“Well, if by ‘connections’ you mean that I’ve killed a lot
of them, then yes.”

“So, hang out with any hot girls lately?”

“Mostly just my sister.”

“Oh.She’s not that
hot.”

[Long pause.]

“…And you’re dead.”

“Could I armor-plate Robyn’s wheelchair?Hey!Then
I could have a tank!”

“Stop it with the tank already.”

“But you’d have to make it so she could still do the sucky-blowy
thing.”

“I’d just leave a hole.And then I’d tell everyone, ‘Put your mouth to the hole and suck.’”

“So what is Isaac going to do now?”

“He’s going to fight some tentacles.”

“What tentacles?”

“You know.The tentacles
on the octopus.Until he finds the
head.”

“There’s an octopus monster now?”

“No.That’s not what
he said at all.”

“But isn’t that what he was talking about?An octopus monster?”

“I give up.”[Donovan
gets another beer.]

“We’ve seen a lot of shapeshifters, but we haven’t seen an
octopus yet, have we?”

“Maybe they can all get together and meld into a giant octopus.”

“Yeah!Like Transformers!”

“It would be sweet if we could turn into a giant octopus.”

“Dude, no!Then we’d
be like them.”

“Um, Suzanne?Could
you be a little more…ghosty for awhile?”

“First of all, you shouldn’t label the box ‘GUNS.’And second of all, those are my guns.”

“Roll me your Perception + Awareness, difficulty 8.”

[rolls]“Two.”

“She’s eating you.”

“I’m sorry, Dean, but a nice butt isn’t going to get you
very far if you’re 5’2”.”

“I didn’t say I was going to kill him.I said I was going to get rid of him.”

“Please.I know you
well enough to know that for you, ‘get rid of’ and ‘kill’ are synonyms.”

“What’s a synonym?”

“Joe, didn’t Nikolai say we weren’t supposed to be talking
about this stuff on the phone?”

“What?Synonyms?”

“Sometimes, I wonder why I hang out with these guys.And then I remember, I could be with Isaac.”

“Who is Isaac?Was
he, like, your old sex slave that you had before Raúl?”

“Well, I don’t particularly want to go hunting through the
sewers.”

“I’ll go!Wait.Why are we going to the sewers again?”

“Blood slaves belong to vampires.”

“Slavery is wrong.”

“So let’s go kill all the slaves!”

“Aurora, your phone rings at the ass-crack of dawn.”

“No, not quite.For
her it’s a little lower down.Like
the bunghole of dawn.”

“I want to touch her and give her some ass magic.”

“Hey, Joe.What’s
up?”

“I got into the lab today.”

“Sweet!What did
you do in there?”

“I went to the bathroom.”

“Hey, everyone, you should probably know – Jenny’s real name
is Aurora.She got kind of freaked
out when she met Nikolai, so she forgot.”

“I was trying to be nice, you know, like a ‘I’m glad to be
your neighbor’ gift, so I went down to the gas station and bought him a bunch
of cupcakes.”

“Okay, Rick?In the
future, don’t be spooky, okay?”

“Apparently, stupid just runs in the family.It doesn’t matter what the dots say.”

[Phone rings.]

“Hello?”

“Hi.It’s Roger.”

“Hi, Roger.”

“Hey, Joe?You have
a cell phone, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, hang up, I’ll call you there.”

[The conversation then continues on Joe’s cell phone.]

“If she’s dead, she’s probably in a reservoir or something,
like on TV.But if she’s alive, he’d
probably put her back where she goes…’cause that’s what you do.You put things back where they go when you’re
done with them.”

“So dead things go in the reservoir?”

“Yes.All of them.”

“It’s set up like Larson, only more square.You know, it’s this circular thing…”

This needs the names added to be funny:

GM: Everyone roll your intelligence.

Roger: Two!

Joe: One!

Jane: Botch!

Joe to Jane: You’re dumb.

“Haven’t you heard about those guys who hack into the Pentagon
and end up getting hired by the Pentagon?”

“So people who bomb the Pentagon get hired by the Pentagon,
too?”

“Hey, Dean.I gotta
question for you.Do you think the
FBI would hire us to bomb stuff?‘Cause
we’re really good at it.”

[Stunned silence.]

(points)“It
was Donovan’s idea.”

“It doesn’t matter how I get introduced to him, as long as
I can touch him.”

“Getting drunk would be a really bad idea for me.The story would get all Joe-d.”

In reference to the ex-baseball player and convicted murderer
getting it on with a 16-year-old girl:

“Joe’s a good Lutheran boy, so he’s got a pretty moderate
view of the bases.Home plate is the
only one that really matters.”

“So what’s the pitcher’s mound?You’ve obviously been there before.”

“I think it’s jail.”

“If that’s jail, well, so is home base for you!”

“So if you died while having sex with the mage, would that
count as an act of martyrdom?”

“Only if I took her with me.”

“Well, I was thinking that I didn’t have enough vampires
in my day already, so sure, I’ll come over.”

“So, it’s 2:00.What
are you doing?”

“I’m bemoaning the fact that I’m a hunter.”

“Yup, I don’t blame you.”

“Raúl is Donovan’s Spanish Bowflex?”(Accompanied by motions that are impossible
to transcribe.)

“Donovan thinks there might be a connection.I could tell, because he made one of those
‘ohhhhhhh’ noises.”

“What do you know about the shapechangers?”

“Not much, because you guys killed them all.”

“But they were humans first, right?”

“Right.”

“And you guys were researching that?”

“Yes, because in layman’s terms, that’s what we call a ‘Big
No-No.’”

“Wow!If we would’ve
planned that, it would’ve been brilliant!”

“You talk to them, Joe.You should be pretty believable in the role of someone who’s confused.”

Talking to a hunter in Mendota who suffers from fugue:

“I’d wake up somewhere else, sometimes days later.”

“So you time traveled?”

“Oh, that’s right.I
guess I haven’t talked to Suzanne for a couple of days.”

“Yes.You’re a bad,
bad sort-of-boyfriend, Roger.”

No, I have no idea what was being referred to here:

“Is there any name for it anyway?Like, you know, wink wink, nudge nudge.”

“Suzanne must get Angst points while watching Roger undress.Her Shadow is like, ‘Look at that.Wouldn’t you rather just die?’ and then it’s, aah!Back to the Maelstrom for you!”

“Oh, no!What have
we did?”

Talking about Detective Klein, the Bystander:

“Maybe that’s his job.He’s
an answering machine for the Messengers.Sorry, the real hunters aren’t home right now…”

“So the dreaded sex vampires have moved to Sun Prairie.”

Roger, making fun of “Joe stories”:

“So, last night, a werewolf walked into my house, and we
talked to him.So now, we’re all going
to fly toward the sun.”

“I don’t think this is a threat that can be shot with bullets,
Roger.”

[Long pause.]

“…Uh oh…”

“It has to be Charlotte.Come on, how many other one-armed sex machines do I know?”

“Oh!That reminds
me.Does Charlotte pleasure Charlie
with her stub?”

(about missing a meeting with the others) “That’s okay.I don’t really want to be seen in public with them anyway.”

(after laughing my ass off)“No.All you see is darkness
and a faint light off in the distance.”

“Well…I guess I walk into the light.”

“Behind you, Suzanne is like, ‘No, Roger!Stay away from the light!’”

(about Nikolai)“He
had that one look on his face that made me want to poke him.”

“Hey, Matt.This
is Joe.I just wanted to make sure
you woke up at your house this morning…because not everyone did.”

“Rick says I woke up in my room, but I really woke up at
the mall.”

“That’s weird.Robyn
says I woke up here, but I really woke up on some guy’s lawn.”

“Dean, you walk into your office, and there’s a little red
light flashing on your phone.”

“…That’s the evil light.”

“You open the door.”

“BLAM!You see a
trash can!With a shotgun!”

“It was me all along!”

“So…they’re remote control pills?”

“Actually, you did all of this because we were mind-controlling
you.It worked like a charm.”

“Actually, it worked like a rote.”

“This enlightening discussion of how to make people poo in
the World of Darkness was brought to you by Noel and Iain.”

“And the letter P.”

“Dean, from the bottom of the ladder, you hear Joe hawk a
massive loogie into the Madison water tower.”

“Hey, Dean Mills from the newspaper!You better get off that water tower right now
before the cops catch you!”

Noel tries to ask Sarah how old her character is:

“Hey, Sarah?In character
what is your age out of character?”

“I feel more dirty having showered!”

“Shit.Now we’re
going to have a group of hunters who haven’t showered in weeks.”

“Demons made us put mind control drugs in the water tower,
so don’t drink the water.”

“Do you need help?”

“Yes, can you come?”

“Hi, Trina.This
is Joe.Demons put mind control drugs
in the water supply.Invest in bottled
water, because we’re going to panic the masses tomorrow.”

“Come on, Roger.I’ve
been watching you long enough to know that you’re not the sharpest tool in
the box.”

“Um…no.”

[Joe inadvertently releases a huge supernatural effect into
a water tower, then uses Cleave to chop down the watertower so it can’t spread,
flooding an entire suburb in the process.As he runs away, he says:]

“…My bad.”

[Momentary pause of shock.]

“Iain, an entire subdivision is underwater!‘My bad’ doesn’t even begin to cover this!”

“Tomorrow, we go into that lab, come hell or high water.”

“That’s okay.Today
we’ve had both.”

“If she destroys the world before I turn 17, she’s gonna
pay.”

“No one else took it upon themselves to roll for penis, so
I was basically forced to.”

“You see, I don’t feel like I really get to know a person
unless I know his penis score.”

“You’re like a little me.”

“Oh, great.Mini-Joe.With boobs.[rolls dice]5-point boobs.”

“So, are we trying to be inconspicuous here, or what?”

“Oh, good.I am
smart enough not to mention the end of the world to the crazy people.”

“Okay.I’m going
to draw a note for Dean with a picture of a watertower on it.But I’m going to do it in such a way that someone
who was looking at it wouldn’t be able to tell what it was.”

“Donovan, you now have a stick up your butt.It reminds you of Raúl.”

“They have Pandora and they have Jasmine.We can get two fish with one blow.”

[Long pause.]

“…Two fish?”

Cast of Characters:Jane Baxter, a 16-year-old
Avenger. Orphaned by vampires, she escaped her abusive foster family with
Roger’s help and now lives in Robyn’s house. Is secretly dating Joe and trying
to work through her fear of the undead. Played by Nikki.Roger Drenn, a mall security guard Visionary with a terrible deformity
and a tragic past. Spends his time pondering ways to destroy monsters, watching
out for Jane and Rick, and keeping Suzanne from getting killed for a third
time. Played by Jake.Aurora Hamilton, a Judge who waits tables and moonlights as a left-wing
extremist political commentator. Very new to this whole hunter thing and still
more than a little confused. Played by Sarah.Donovan McCray, a
Judge best known as a reporter for the WISC-TV news. Dreams of someday breaking
the monsters’ stranglehold on the media and exposing them to the world. Played
by Noel.Dean Mills, a Martyr columnist
for the Wisconsin State Journal. Also new to the hunt, but has jumped feet
first into working with the group and investigating leads with the help of
Carrie Repke. Played by Andy.Joe “Soft Shoe” Tiles, an
Avenger and former pro baseball player recently released from jail after murdering
a pitcher (he was a monster) on national TV. Drunk, unpredictable, violent,
and very useful to have around. Played by Iain.Storyteller: Beth

No Longer With
Us:

Cassandra Christianson,
an Innocent bull rider and rodeo star. Lives on a ranch outside Madison. Peripheral
member of the group; hasn’t been seen for weeks. Played by Missy.Julian Davis, an itinerant
South African Redeemer, EMT, and bakery employee. Died honorably in battle
with Camille Lee’s ghouls. Played by Meg.Adria Jinksen, a teenage
Defender on the run from her abusive father. Committed suicide. Played by Missy.Tucker Lewis, a professional race car driver and Visionary. Recently returned
from Canada, where he fled with his family after being menaced by a zombie
he had accidentally killed as a teenager. Skipped town again with his family.
Played by Ernst.Mark Traynham, a Hermit
heart surgeon and practitioner of martial arts. Shot to death mercilessly
by Camille Lee’s butler after choosing the wrong moment to ask for an audience
with her. Played by Marco.