Kanye Has Kim Kardashian Locked In A Dungeon

It’s been more than exactly 30 seconds after North West was born which is way too fucking long for Kris Jenner to go without pimping something that shares her DNA, so here’s a “source” claiming that Kanye West is an abusive, controlling boyfriend who practically has Kim Kardashian locked in a cell. Via Radar:

“She has to do what he says — or else,” a source told In Touch, in an article that claims Kim has been “trapped by a madman” who’s doing his all to control her every move. ”She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”
Since the birth of his daughter North West June 15, a source told the magazine the Paranoid singer has “brought in more security around the house and won’t let Kim leave.”
The intrusion sets into everything from what Kim’s wearing, to what she’s tweeting, insiders say.
“When the time comes for her to step out into public, he wants her to be wearing outfits he picked out for her,” a source said. “He’s telling her sisters, mom — everyone — what they can and cannot post on twitter.”

“He’s even points a gun at Kylie and Kendall‘s heads until they pose in bikinis. In fact, after a night of drinking – which is every night – he said something like, ‘Don’t make me call Ray-J and make you two film another sex tape like I did the last time, girl.’ Although, honestly, I think that was to distract from from the fact he admitted to murdering Nicole Brown Simpson while beating Kim for not bringing home a receipt from the grocery store.”

I believe it. Since it’s Kim Kardashian, though… meh? If he locked the entire kK Klan in a cellar, he might actually redeem himself for calling himself Jesus, for naming a baby girl North West, for shitty SNL gigs, for spotlight stealing from Taylor Swift (who I also don’t care about, but still), for beating up on poor defenseless street signs… for existing…

This is Kris Jenner press release code for “Kim’s not losing the weight fast enough so we’re gonna need a few more weeks.” The fact that she did this with an anti-Kanye story rather than bikini shots of the baby Jenners or throwing the barren one under a bus really shows she’s growing.