I need you to wear your curls. Some of you have waves. Others have curls that hang. Still others have tight coils that create beautiful untamed afros.

The natural hair community obsesses over curl patterns, products, and porosity, but today is not my day for that discussion. I could not care less what type of wave or curl you possess, I just need you to wear your hair in its natural state…

…because my daughter is “yellow” with a self-proclaimed pink face that looks “yellow” in pictures.

And I am “chocolate.”

When I was complimenting her beautiful curls one morning as we prepared for the day, I asked her if she loved her hair, and at four years old, she said, “No. I want straight hair.” My heart proceeded to break on the spot.

I delved deeper and asked, “What is wrong with curls? Mommy has curly hair.” Her response? “Yes, but mommy is chocolate.” And she is yellow. People who are yellow have straight hair.

As I began to rack my brain to find a Disney character, or child celebrity, or superhero or “yellow” person that may appeal to her, I came up blank. I googled Disney characters with curly hair, and only ONE popped up…a long-maned Merida whose fiery red hair flows to her waist. I searched for other celebrities and came up with a handful – none of which would have any affect on my daughter so now I am reaching out to you because she needs to see all people…”yellow” people, and “chocolate” people, and “pink” people.

***

Last year, I did it for my daughter. I started to wear my hair in its natural state. I cut the remaining straight pieces and let my hair grow FOR MY DAUGHTER!

I have grown to love the hair that now grows out of my scalp, but I have never forgotten that I did this for my daughter. Yet, when she looks at me, she does not see herself.

Do not get me wrong! The genes are strong!

(Side note: That would be my sister as a child on the left and my daughter on the right. I used this picture because my sister and I have the same face, and her picture was more readily available.)

I know eventually she will understand. I know I have to teach her that hair is more than “yellow” and “chocolate.”

But what I need you to understand is that I will do ANYTHING for my daughter…including writing to a society that is slowly beginning to embrace curly hair, straight hair and all patterns in between.

This letter is my plea to put a rush on that process. That way, when we go to church, school, or baseball practice, I can point to all the kids with hair like hers…to all the moms with curls like hers.

Today they have salons dedicated to curl girls. They have product lines dedicated to curls girls. They have communities and movements dedicated to curl girls.

I am not here to tell you not to die your hair purple, or sew in a weave, or blow it out, or chop it off, or crochet it. What I am asking is that, on occasion, could you wear your hair the way it grows out of your scalp naturally?

Can you find a way to accept the hair God have you?

Again, I am not here to judge. I love a weave as much as the next. I wear braids, sew-ins, and faux locs. I twist it out and make sure my wash-and-go’s never lose their curl defining freshness. I re-wash when my go looks a little too much like a fro. I re-wash when my wash and go has come and gone. I am still learning this thing as well. I waited 35 years before I took that long look in the mirror…

Consequently, I would like to thank the women who paved the way for me to look in the mirror…the women who paved the way for us to make it…for me to make it…by embracing their innermost authentic selves.

So that we can embrace our innermost authentic selves.

So that I can embrace my innermost authentic self.

So that my daughter can embrace her innermost authentic self.

I write this letter for every mom who just wants what is best for her children.

May we find the moms that have the courage to be their truest selves. May we cherish the moms that have the courage to be their truest selves. May we be the moms that have the courage to be our truest selves.

This way, my daughter can choose whether she wants straight, curly, wig, color, or weave not based on “yellow” or “pink” or “chocolate,” but instead on the basis of her own truest self.

Love Always,
Brittany 🙂

***

What are some ways you work to make the world a better place for your children?

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Published by ordinarilyextraordinarymom

My name is Brittany Bonnaffons, and I feel like I should have life figured out by now. I also feel like the world judges us by unrealistic standards. I have dedicated this blog to challenging standards and instead embracing yourself for who you are - ordinarily extraordinary.
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I’m always amazed to see how some of the women I think are the most beautiful in the world view themselves. I, like most, pick myself apart in the mirror. I think, as a result, I really want my daughter to recognize how beautiful she is…I would think that college girls would have the most self-confidence. *sigh* All we can do is work bit by bit to change ourselves, and in return, hope that change spreads to others. Thanks so much for stopping by with such beautiful words for me.

I wear weaves sometimes at other times I let my hair breathe these days…
my daughter loves everything hair! Cousin bought her a hair doll so she weaves it and does all the girly experiments 😂😂😂😂
Love your thoughts girl

Your daughter is adorable! And you can tell her I said so! 😊
Would it help to show her pics of my daughter and her friends?
I used to tell my daughter that I wanted her to grow her hair out and make a wig out of it for me to wear. Instead she has donated it twice to Locks of Love and recently to Wigs for Kids.
That no poo is great, by the way!

I am so glad you like it. The apple vinegar smell is a tad strong but it does true job without stripping away all the moisture. She has some other products that smell amazing and also do amazing things.

Yes I do think it will help for her to see more and more people that share her unique look from curl pattern to blends of features. Thanks so much for your kind words about my baby girl!!

Hi Brittany,
As I have shared with you before..I felt the same way..I hated my hair and always wanted straight hair…because all the other girls at school had it..it was the 60’s…go to my Facebook page and look at my hair…and share it with you sweet daughter…I have learned to love it…or at least tolerate it… https://www.facebook.com/renee.stambaugh

I am almost in tears. It’s absolutely beautiful. It’s so upsetting how much our society places us in pre-arranged boxes which we have to fight our way out of. I asked her this morning if she found any of her friends at school with curly hair, and she excitedly stated that, “Callie has curly hair.” Baby steps. Both in moms embracing curly hair and my daughter actually taking the time out to notice that she is not the only one with curls.

So funny!! I haven’t even seen the movie, but I definitely have it on my list of adventures this weekend.

And the dolls…kids are hilarious. I always wonder what goes on in their little minds. So many questions…so much wonder. Happy to know that your daughter accepts all backgrounds, skin tones, and hair textures.

Oh, and the movie! It’s wonderful – about a mom and her daughter, actually – that’s the love story ❤ it's mine and my oldest daughter's favorite to watch together; she actually bought it for me last year for Christmas :

I was talking to some ladies that said exactly the same thing today at work. I think it’s just as important to learn to embrace whatever looks we have. Women are so critical of themselves. It’s time we took a deep breath and stop insulting God by criticizing what He gave us…and by us I mean me mostly 😊

Yep, I’ve wished for years that I had curly hair! It took me a LONG TIME to embrace the hair I have. When I was a kid, I would put it up in curlers, and it seemed like every time, it would rain the next day, and all the curl would flee away like it had never been there.

I am picturing this happening. My daughter currently wears her dresses or covers on her hair for her “long hair.” I feel like we always find the one thing we wish we had and obsess over it, while God calms us and helps us to understand the why bit by bit.

Love this post! For one, you have the sweetest little girl! Let her know that I have very curly hair too! I like the fact that all I have to do is wake up, wash it, and let it dry. Curly hair is a good thing! You are a good mom teaching your daughter to love who she is!

Thanks so much! It’s definitely been a learning process for me, and I want to get her started in that process ASAP. She currently does NOT appreciate the spray bottle I take to her head each morning 😂😂 Hopefully she will learn like you to wake up, wash it and go. So glad to have so many curl friends in the blogging workd

Yes! I love the natural hair African-American women are wearing again!! I came of age in the 1960s and 70s, and the hair was glorious! Women in general, all of us, need to “embrace our innermost authentic selves.” This empowers our daughters and granddaughters. I’m with you in this! Tweeting this, too.

Thanks so much Melinda! I think of old pictures of my parents and now it appears to have come full circle. (Does’t it always?) My prayer is that all women can embrace the looks God have them – head to toe.

😂😂😂 So funny that we spend so much of our lives obsessing over something that someone else doesn’t even had. That lesson in an I’d itself speaks volumes. Thanks for the kind words! Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

My husband doesn’t have his curls either. 😂😂 I’m trying to get him to embrace his bald head (not currently going well at the moment). Accepting who we are and who God made us to be is always a challenge because we cannot always see the why. Thanks for the kinds words.

Brittany – you made me think that maybe I should just let my hair go gray reading this blog post! Seriously, I went blond because it covers gray better (and I can let the gray roots grow a bit before coloring them again). I asked my husband how he’d feel if I let my hair go gray, and he hesitated. There is even a stigma with aging attached to the head of hair God gave us. As the Norwegians say, “Oy vey!” (which kinda means ‘oh bother’).

But the bigger point in your blog is acceptance. Teaching our children to love and accept themselves the way God made them is one of the best things you can do as a parent. I applaud you, and I know someday your little girl, when she is all grown up and knows better, will applaud you, too. Blessings, Lisa Q

I had never even thought of going gray! Oh my goodness! Not one of the women in my life that are old enough for gray hairs ever showed them. Even now my great aunt is in her 80s and dyes her hair black. Thanks so much for the kind words. Parenting is a process I am painfully learning to navigate with lots of highs and lows. Let me know if you decide to go gray. I look back at pictures of my parents when they were my age and wonder when the change went to straight hair. I think that straight hair is beautiful just as much as curly hair is, but most important is embracing whatever look God have you. Thanks so much for commenting!

Way to be intentional with your daughter at an early age! You are a great role model for her & young women all around!

Sometimes we fail to realize that, when we are critical of ourselves or attempt to alter ourselves- we indirectly teach younger girls that they need to chage themselves too. We should all be more careful about this.

Thanks. My next step is actually to invest in a high quality camera. Learning to accept our truest selves is why I started this thing. I’m slowly but surely funding my way. Thanks again for reading and supporting my journey.

I agree with many above. Maybe it’s human nature. We want what we don’t have. My blonde haired, blue eyed daughter has died her hair brown, red and black (at different times) while a brown haired, brown eyed daughter bleached hers blonde. When they dress up, they curl it, always, because they say curly hair is more beautiful than straight hair. I’m different from them — I’d settle for ANY hair!! 🙂 The beauty in your daughter’s little heart is what will radiate out and make her more and more beautiful in the long run (….that’ just an unqualified man’s thoughts. ) P.S. Those are strong genes!!!

So funny about your daughters and even funnier about you. I think my husband shares your feeling as he dreams of days gone by where he had a full head of hair. My daughter’s personality will definitely shine bigger than hair or skin color ever can. Thanks so muchn✨

It’s interesting that your daughter has separated herself from you based on the color of your skin.

I can semi-relate to the hair part because I went natural eight years ago for the same reasons…my daughters. However, my daughters and I have three different curl patterns. I focused more on just showing them how to love their own hair, no matter how it looked, and it worked. My oldest has looser curls that many Black women were taught is “good hair,” but you know what she does? Wears weaves ALL THE TIME lol My youngest daughter has a HUGE afro that her friends complain about during school because they can’t see the board lol

I suppose what I’m saying is to keep trying and maybe just focus on what she loves about her own hair, without comparing it to anyone else’s.

Yes!! I am working on that. I think we are cognizant of skin color because we are careful to let our children know they are brown and white. We are working on her embracing herself as is – outgoing, lovable, curly-haired, “yellow,” beautiful inside and out.

Love it! I sounded like your daughter when I was young for the same reasons. I went natural about 6 years ago although I still hid my hair. After 4 years (and many chops later) I finally embraced it. There are good days and some crazy days but I dont regret embracing what the Lord blessed me with.

I think it’s a process for all of us. We have had straight hair for so LONG, and we actually have programmed ourselves to believe that straight is beautiful. I thought it myself today as I stared at my beautiful sister’s straight long weave. (She’s beautiful regardless but you get the point.) Thank God for His patience with us as we accept ourselves.

Your baby girl is gorgeous! I have been growing out my relaxed hair for the last 3 years. Now that I have my Afro roots I am struggling to manage it so I always straighten it. Thank you for this post, just what u needed to embrace myself and my hair xx