Like anything to do with Jeff the Killer, the pastas under review today contain potential flamebait in the form of tactless handling of bullying and mental illness. Oh and also really nondescript torture.

Title: Lizzy The ReaperAuthor: Your Guess Is As Good As MineMedia: Web OriginalTopic: Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Eyeless Jack, and basically every other horrible pasta in existence.Genre: CreepypastaURL:Trollpasta Rehost

Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Nina

Hello hello all you patrons! Turn up your favorite Bathtubs & Razorblades album and open a new box of facial tissue, because it’s time once again for…

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a little oneshot I found recently in a canon we haven’t explored before – Undertale. You know what that means, right?

:cracks knuckles:

Prepare for a SC-style info-dump!

Undertale is a top-down dungeon crawling RPG with old-school pixelated graphics that has a genderless child named Frisk as the main character. Frisk falls into the Underground, a secret realm under the Earth where monsters were banished by the strongest human wizards after the humans defeated the monsters in a war. There is a magic barrier separating the monsters from the human world and only those who possess a human soul can cross this barrier. In order to destroy the barrier, seven human souls are needed – and it is revealed that Asgore Dreemurr, the King of the Underground, has six souls harvested from humans who have fallen into the Underground. Due to some very tragic back story, Asgore has declared war on humanity and wants Frisk’s soul to break the barrier. (But he’s not the only one.) Asgore is very conflicted about it and seems genuinely sad that he has to kill the player to achieve his goals, but he is willing to do it.

The sad yet murderous bastard

Frisk has to travel through the Underground to reach their goal and on the way meets skeleton brothers, an anime-obsessed scientist with a massive crush on a badass one-eyed fish woman, that same one-eyed fish woman, sexy seahorse men, the Tems, and other assorted characters along the way. There are three main paths that the game can take; Neutral, Pacifist, and Genocide. Like most RPGs there is a points system; in this case killing monsters will increase the player’s LV (also called LOVE) and EXP. However, it’s not until just before the big boss fight with Asgore that it is explained by Sans, a deceptively laid-back skeleton who likes to make bad puns and whose dialogue is in lowercase Comic Sans (get it?), that the LV/LOVE stands for Level Of ViolencE that measures your capacity to hurt others and the EXP are EXecution Points, which are a way of quantifying the pain you have inflicted on others. If you have been killing the citizens of the Underground to increase your LV and EXP, you’ve actually been a horrible villain and not a hero.

Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy!

Last time Six and Co. cleared out the merc base on Xawin, where Six brutally murderated a krogan battlemaster for no real reason and then whined about the fact that an Alliance Navy officer had been somewhat less brutally murderated beforehand. Then back aboard the Normandy he assaulted a few more hapless crewmen and got out of any punishment by waxing whiny about how ‘orrible his life had been up until that point. Oh, and the good news is that Jorge has managed to be brought up to speed and integrated into Citadel Space without causing anybody any grievous bodily harm, but the bad news is the people he’s not causing any grievous bodily harm to are Blaze Shepard and his special snowflake brigade.

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back once again to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

“Last time not a whole lot happened to said Lone Wolf on the Normandy, but we did get to see Jorge the Spartan land a Covenant Corvette all by himself as well as being introduced to easily the stupidest PMC outfit in the history of human spaceflight in the form of Blaze Shepard and his idiot friends Ravager and Phantom.

Yes, really.”

Show and Tell Counter: 43

Amorous Counter: 114

Collateral Douchebag Counter: 24

Chapter Ten is called ‘Xawin’, and surprisingly enough opens with a regurgitated MAKO drop and exploration of said planet. This includes several paragraphs dedicated to finding the Chatti Outpost Insignia on the wreckage of a turian frigate, and yes the narrative does indeed use that exact phrasing complete with capitalization.

Hello hello all you Patrons, and welcome back to The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

“Last time after wandering around doing basically nothing for most of the chapter, Spartan took off his armor for an out-of-nowhere medical exam which revealed that- surprise, surprise!- he looks like a male model. After that everybody went back to the Citadel station and met up with that Jun guy, and yet another Spartan named Jorge got shit out of Slipspace ‘somewhere in the Terminus’. And that, really, was about it.”

Now, I’m familiar with the standard abbreviations used in Reader fics (like [h/c] for hair color) but this is far more extensive. Not only is the author asking the audience to provide physical characteristics, but also things like their personality, their love interest, even an antagonist. The audience is, in essence, being told to write a full character and plot summary before they begin the fic. If the audience is going to do all of this, what’s left for the author to do?

It is quite telling that the versions for canon characters don’t ask for as much information, since presumably the only thing you need to describe a canon character’s personality and appearance is just their name.

On to the first and only chapter! It’s titled Bonnie x Reader-Loving you is suicide, which is setting off all sorts of alarm bells. Read the rest of this entry »

For now, anyway. There’s been no activity on the fic for several years, but it’s not listed as completed so there’s always a chance the author will update it.

Most of the last chapter was dedicated to an extended flashback featuring a large group of campers who were attacked by a Spanish witch flinging around pixie dust who forced at least two of the campers to eat human flesh and causing them to transform into wendigoes. (The flashback doesn’t really even show the transformations, just that at least two people were forced to eat human flesh that had been doctored with a strange powder and afterwards they convulsed in pain and blacked out.) There was also something about “helping her son”, but that wasn’t really touched on very much before Spanish Witch started chopping up people with an axe. The whole thing was supposed to explain something about the wendigoes, but it really just raised more questions.