At first, I took to it with ease and given that I have a background in music and also had, at that time, a quiet place to practice, I thought it would only be a few short weeks before I’d be able to play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” with my eyes closed.

But as soon as the practicing and the pieces became more challenging, I did what I typically do when I get frustrated, or when I don’t meet the ridiculous expectations I create for myself, and I gave up on the violin entirely.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about the violin A LOT and wondering if it’s too late for me to pick it up again.

Inside my head there’s this battle going on where part of me wants to believe that it’s never too late to start anything. But there’s also a part of me that’s PISSED at myself for giving up in the first place. I mean, imagine how far along I’d be with the violin at this point in my life if I didn’t give it up six years ago.

So instead of focusing on all the good that could still come from me rediscovering something that I love, and just getting on with it, I’ve been beating myself up.

But an email I recently received from a GUC reader helped put my confusion in perspective.

Basically, this lovely reader wrote in and asked whether or not it was too late for her to figure herself out.

As an adult child of an alcoholic father and a neglectful mother, she’s just now realizing how she’s never been a priority to anyone in her life. She’s tired of surviving but she’s afraid that it’s too late to start over and figure herself out.

Of course, it’s not too late for her or ANYONE, to heal, recover or start over. YES the task of recovery can be daunting and discovering your worth isn’t easy but how many things in life are ever easy?

And honestly, who gives a sh*t if you started six years ago or if today was your very first day?

What truly matters is that you get started, period. So, instead of letting the noise in your head get louder, instead of letting those, I’m too old or it’s too late to figure myself out, thoughts cloud your judgment, just get started. Do one small thing that will put you in motion. And then tomorrow you do another small thing and on and on.

As Karen Lamb once said:

A year from now you will wish you had started today.

Believe me, a year from now, if you do absolutely nothing for your recovery you will look back and regret thinking that today was too late.

So, to help you get started I’ve pulled together 6 options that can either help jump-start your recovery journey or keep it going strong.

Of course after you’re finished reading and exploring make sure you jump in the comment section and share with me one thing that you’re going to do for your recovery today. Whether this is your first day or your 1st year at it, share with me how you’re going to move your recovery and your life forward…today.

Remember, your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

As always, thanks for reading!

Until Next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

Option #1 – Sign Up To Receive Updates About ACOA 101

ACOA 101 is the first ever online course exclusively for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I spent over a year creating this course because it was the kind of thing I wish I had, a decade ago, when I first started my recovery.

The next session of ACOA 101 will be jumping off this fall. So, if you want to be kept in the loop and want to learn more then CLICK HERE and leave your name and email.

Option #2 – Think You’re Too Old For Recovery?

If you’re still not convinced that recovery can start at any time and at any age then make sure you read THIS ARTICLE.

Option #3 – Are You A Later In Life Adult Child Of An Alcoholic?

The truth is you don’t have to have grown up with an alcoholic parent to be an ACOA. Even if a parent’s drinking didn’t become a problem until you were an adult, you can still relate and experience the same issues a classic ACOA struggles with. For more on that, read THIS ARTICLE.

Option #4 – How To Know If You Should Stay Or Go

Sometimes starting over means letting go. And if you’re in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic then you know how difficult that choice can be to make. If you’re looking for some support, peace of mind or clarity around making a similar choice, THEN READ THIS.

Option #5 – Poor Self-Esteem or No Self-Esteem?

Whether you’re new to it or been at it for a long time, building and understanding self-esteem is a huge part of the recovery equation. THIS ARTICLE has some great pointers on giving your self-esteem and confidence a boost.

Option #6 – Fix This Relationship And You’ll Fix Your Life

WATCH THIS VIDEO and discover the one relationship that you need to fix if you want to fix your life.

What’s something that can feel good to do but when someone does it to you it can make you feel like crap?

Have you figured it out yet?

Well if you answered gossip, gossiping or talking smack, you are correct!

Now I know it’s not the most popular thing to admit but when I’m really pissed at someone it almost always feels good to talk a little bit of smack. It’s not something I’m proud of but it’s something that I believe we all do, to some extent, from time to time.

What’s not cool about gossip however, is when you find out that someone has been talking about you, especially if that someone happens to be a family member.

Recently, a lovely lady from the GUC community shared with me how her mom, an alcoholic who she recently cut ties with, has been relentlessly talking smack about her to anyone and everyone who will listen. Her mom has dipped so low that she’s not only sharing deeply personal information about her but recently she started cooking up and spreading some pretty devastating lies.

Our reader feels crushed and powerless to defend herself and that’s a feeling that I can certainly relate to. How about you?

If you’ve ever wondered how to deal with a family member that won’t stop talking smack about you, especially if it’s a parent that you’ve cut ties with, keep reading.

In today’s post, you’ll learn exactly what not to do when you find out your family is talking smack about you.

If you can relate to our readers situation, how have you handled a family member that won’t stop talking smack? Especially someone that you’ve cut ties with because of an alcohol or drug addiction.

Let me know all about your experiences in the comment section.

Remember, your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

Until next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

#1 Don’t Take It Personal

I can not even begin to tell you how devastated I was when I found out that one of my brothers was calling me a spoiled bitch behind my back.

What motivated his nastiness?

Well at the time he was in jail and by that point just about all of my family conveniently forgot that he existed. So, I did a really shitty thing and I sent him a card letting him know that I hadn’t forgot about him.

A couple of weeks after he received the card I found out from my dad that my brother was ripping me a new asshole behind my back. Now why my dad told me all of that, I’m not sure. Honestly, I don’t think my dad should of shared that unsolicited information with me but at the same time it didn’t surprise me that he did.

Needless to say, initially I was so hurt by the things my brother was saying but as I thought through what happened I realized that I couldn’t take the lies he was spreading about me personally simply because none of them were true. They were coming from someone who was angry with himself and at the world and at the family that failed him that he probably didn’t even know how to respond.

Basically, I realize now that his response was more about him and the condition of his life and his mind then it was about me and the card I sent. Although what he said hurt, there was nothing there for me to take personally.

As author Paulo Coelho says,

“Try not to take things personally. What people say about you is a reflection of them, not you.”

#2 Don’t Add More Fuel To The Fire

My stepmom is another one that has done her fair share of smack talking.

Now I’ve written and shared before about the affair she had some years ago. She met a guy on the Internet and shortly after she packed up her car and drove from Philadelphia to Florida to begin her new life.

Well once she got to Florida, it was less than a week before she called my dad and begged him to let her come back home. My dad took her back but I didn’t. And maybe that’s why she jumped on the smack talking train.

To anyone that would listen she droned on about how her affair was all my fault, that I’d set her up and even threatened her physically.

All of these things were not true because they never happened. And when other people in my family would share these cruel lies with me, my impulse was to retaliate. My reflex was to hit back hard, to defend myself and to extend myself, in any way needed, to prove that she was lying.

But I quickly learned that playing in to her drama, even if my goal was purely to defend myself and expose the truth, was a waste of time and it only kept the drama and the lies in motion.

As challenging as it is to do, I now know that it’s best to keep it moving in these situations.

If other people believe the lies that a wayward family member is spreading out you, so be it. And if you need some help remember this, another beautiful bit of advice from Paulo Coelho,

“Don’t waste your time with explanations; people only hear what they want to hear.”

It may feel like you’re the only one that can see the truth but believe me when I say that anyone worth their salt will be able to see it too. Don’t worry about the other fools.

#3 Try To Stay One Step Ahead

If there was one suggestion I could offer you about what to do in response to gossip and smack talk, it would be to think one step ahead before you respond.

Now I know I mentioned before that gossiping can feel good in the moment, especially when you’re frustrated with someone. But if you think about it, after you’re done do you ever really feel good about what you said?

In the moment, while your lips are flapping, sure it feels great but don’t you ever feel guilty afterwards? And if you do, doesn’t that guilt feel kind of shitty?

Bottom line is this. Before you respond to gossip with more gossip try to think one step ahead of that. And instead of using that moment to release your frustration or to make the other person look bad, with more gossip, think about how you want to feel an hour later or even a day later.

Make your response all about you. If you want to feel good, with a clear conscience and you don’t want the regret of what you might say weighing on your mind, then take the high road. Keep it moving.

This of course is much easier to write about then it is to execute but see if you can play around with this option. And remember it’s not about getting back at the other person or proving a point, it’s about how you want to feel. And really what’s more important than taking care of yourself especially in the presence of gossip?

Your family: Doesn’t like the choice you’ve made and they’ve threatened to disown you.

OUCH!

Deep down you know your relationship isn’t perfect and your family has witnessed that fact over and over again. But you love this person, there’s no doubt you love them very much. He or she wants to change that’s why they’re in rehab, right?

So why can’t your family see what you see?

Well, the answer to that one is complicated for sure. And it can get even more complicated if your family has been there for you every time that your addicted love one hurt you. Maybe they’ve lost faith that he or she will ever change. Maybe they don’t want to see you get hurt again and they don’t know what else to do. Or maybe they’re worried about your kids safety, if you have any. And obviously, if abuse of any kind has been part of your relationship equation, can you really blame your family for wanting to protect you?

If you’re currently in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic and your family has made it painfully clear that they want nothing to do with you or your relationship, this post is for you.

We’ll explore three ideas that will hopefully help you deal with your family with calm, confidence and compassion.

Once you’re finished reading, I’d love to hear from you.

If you’re someone who’s family has decided to disown you because you choose to stay in a relationship with an addicted someone, what do you want your family to know?

And, on the flip side, if you’re a family member that doesn’t agree with the choice your loved one has made to stay in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic, what’s your take? What do you want your loved one to know?

Share your thoughts, insights and ideas in the comment section.

Remember your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

Thank you for being part of the GUC community!

Until Next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

P.S. If you’re not already subscribed to GUC’s weekly newsletter then make sure you sign up for it before you leave. Whether you’re an ACOA, a loved one of an addict or alcoholic or survivor of abuse, as a GUC subscriber, you’ll get access to FREE and exclusive opportunities, online events, resources and other quirky personal stuff that only peeps subscribed to my newsletter ever get to see! Enter your name and email, at the top of this page, to subscribe.

P.P.S. If you know a family member or friend that’s struggling with the topic we’ve covered today, share this post with them.

#1 Communicate Your Way To Calm

You have your reasons for wanting to stay in your relationship and your family has their reasons for not accepting your choice.

But do you all understand where each other is coming from?

Have you tried to sit down with one another to not only make your case clear but to also listen and hear your family’s take on the situation?

I realize that this level of communication may be a thousand times easier said then done. Maybe you’re to the point where you could care less about what your family thinks and they could also be so set in their choice that they’re unwilling to hear you out.

It happens and it’s unfortunate but if there’s any way that you can keep the lines of communication open between you and your family, you may not all agree with one another and what you share with each other may not change anything, but at least you create the opportunity to hear each other out.

Honest communication can inspire calm in your relationship with your family. Once you understand where each other is coming from, you don’t have to agree with one another, but that seed of understanding could lead to a change of heart further down the road.

#2 Cultivate Compassion By Owning The Truth

In some cases, your family may be acting completely erratic and irrational by threatening to disown you if you stay in your relationship. It’s my opinion that if you and your partner are taking consistent action to make your relationship right and your family just won’t cut you guys a break then that’s their problem.

I mention this because although it would be wonderful to believe that all families are understanding and loving, I understand, and it’s been my experience in my own family, that this isn’t always the case.

Being related by blood or through marriage doesn’t stop some people from being assholes.

BUT, if you’ve had the experience with your family where they’ve been with you through every upset in your relationship and they’ve just reached a point where they’ve given up, well that’s a different story entirely.

For example, if you’ve been in a relationship or marriage with someone who’s been actively using for years, who’s been in and out of rehab 10 times, who never follows through with the promises they make and who really shows no initiative towards getting better even when he or she claims they’re really going to change this time – can you blame your family for losing faith? Can you blame them for saying enough is enough?

I’m not implying that threatening to disown you is a fair solution but I am asking you to consider and understand what you’re family may have been going through alongside you.

Try to be honest with yourself about what may have driven your family to the point where disowning you or refusing to be part of your life, if you continue the relationship, became their only option.

#3 Gain Confidence Through Action

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:

“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

And this, I believe, is how you gain confidence around your choice to stick it out with your addicted loved one, if that’s your choice, even when your family disagrees.

Do less talking and take more consistent action. If your partner is serious about recovery and you’re serious about your relationship then show your commitment through the actions you both take.

You’ve probably heard it said before that, actions speak louder than words, well when it comes to your relationship what you do consistently, over time, will have more influence, over your family’s opinion, then what you say.

Unfortunately, there are no short cuts or roads that lead to instant gratification when it comes to this. But in the end, the positive actions you take and the results you and your partner reap will be undeniable.

If you really want to prove your family wrong about your relationship then build your case through your actions. And let what you and your partner do speak louder then what the two of you say.