I am a single mother by choice, blessed with my daughter Raphaela, conceived and born in Jerusalem in October 2009. Raising a happy and healthy child; balancing work, parenthood and relationships; with the additional challenge of doing it on my own, in Israel.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Bus Ride

This morning, after dropping Raphaela off for her first 'school outing' to the Botanical Gardens in Jerusalem, I hopped on a bus towards the center of town, to pick up some office supplies. It was the same bus line that I had taken in and out of a year, during my fertility treatments and early pregnancy, the route toward Hadassah Hospital.

As I sat on the bus, thinking about that year, waking up very early so I could get to the hospital early, and finish blood tests and ultra-sounds and doctor consultations (still early); and then start my official work day at 8:30 am, having experienced a whole morning already. Doing these procedures over and over, sometimes four times a week, and feeling exhausted emotionally and physically by the end of the day.

Perhaps today, for the first time, I admitted to myself that as a single parent, as much as I would like to give Raphaela a sibling, it would be logistically improbable, unless I was married. Not only do I want to conceive my next child the "fun" way, but without baby sitting and a real commitment of support from those around me, I do not have enough hours in the day, nor do I have the energy to be pregnant, work full time and take of Raphaela properly. And that is all before a second child would be brought into the world, demanding my attention and having those most basic needs.

Saying this aloud gives me a sense of relief as much as sadness, I am so thankful for what I have and plan to appreciate it, rather than yearn for what might be missing.

2 comments:

I know exactly what you mean. Have you read my blog-post An only child? here is the link but it's easier just to go to my blog and scroll down the right-hand side. http://midlifesinglemum.blogspot.com/2011/03/only-child.html

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