Venting, Ranting, Ramblings, Emotions

So I haven’t written in some time again which I will say I myself feel burdened when I am unable to find the time to write. It really has become a great release for myself to write. I tend to not think of who is reading though. Sometimes when ppl say I have read your blog I find myself wondering if I have offended them with anything I have said thinking back to what I may have posted. I hate that part of me. I hate that I feel guilty for my own feelings constantly. It eats me up inside and I am trying very hard to put my happiness above others. Without intending to be hurtful by putting myself first. I have seen a new doctor several times recently. I got some hope for him and possibly just got a more positive outlook to my options. Soon after I also started working again. I had really been contemplating that for some time. I had tried to file a motion to raise child support. As the kids becoming teens really has a huge difference in my budget. I was however denied the waiver of fees. They agree support is likely to be raised but I either have to wait till July when they do a automatic review or I have to pay to file the motion. Which is 61$. Hailey has Florida money needs Allen starts drivers ed. My van is on the verge of being toast any moment….. The doctor visit was prior to me getting back into work. I scheduled a surgery. A surgery that will positively put me back out of work. I have only been working a week and my family can feel the burden lifting. I know payday this week will lift even more. I am again in a job I love and if I continue I can provide the things the kids need. I debated postponing surgery…. I debated that before I walked out of the doctor. I debated even making the apt. Having a bag for a bladder the rest of your life at 32 is a big deal. It’s not to be taken lightly I am allowed to change my mind TEN more times if I want to. This is my life. I don’t have to live it for anyone but me. My only judge is God. I fell apart last night when it was told me backing out would be negatively effecting my family if they had taken off work to be there. I could feel my chest get heavy and instantly I was in a full fledged anxiety attack in my van. Puking down the side of the van and hyperventilating. Crying and crying without being able to speak or understand the words myself if I did. Outside of this blog I have not been sharing much with family. I don’t want to be anyone’s burden. I also don’t want anyone else deciding my life. No one gets to decide what’s best for me. No one gets to make me feel bad for any choice I make. I am positive that wasn’t the intention of the conversation but that is always how I am left feeling whenever I discuss health issues. I feel I am overwhelmed with guilt and stress and my head starts thinking maybe I should do this or that for someone else……… But I am not struggling with an addiction cancer isn’t my fault there was nothing I could do to prevent getting it. It happened it was God’s choice for me. I am not going to surgery it’s not what I want for my life. I have made huge lifestyle changes to my diet and exercise and several natural things I am doing. No I don’t expect anyone to have faith in those things miraculously curing me. I have faith in when my time is here it’s the right time. I have faith that I carefully weigh out my options and I choose what makes me happy. Those angry that they may lose time with me because I am not fighting the way they feel I should well they have to deal with those feelings. I will live my life like everyday is the last. Providing for my kids and doing the only thing that has ever mattered to me. Being a mom is literally all I have ever wanted. It gives me my fulfillment and gratification I need. Providing for my family and giving them my time taking care of them it brings me my joy. Laying in a bed “fighting” dying really does not bring me joy. Tomorrow a accident can take my life Today is what I’m living for.