Fun with Dictators (Cartoon and Column)

Come to Sandals on the beautiful coastline of North Korea. There’s no Wi-Fi. You will be closely monitored and tailed by government officials at all times. You will not be allowed to leave the resort or talk to the locals. If you touch anything, you may be relocated permanently to a different kind of resort. You may return home in a coma. Bring the kids!

Donald Trump’s main takeaway from seeing images of North Korea are the real estate opportunities. Just imagine all the golf resorts on those pristine beaches. Maybe we can set up Carnival cruises. Trump said, “They have great beaches. You see that whenever they’re exploding their cannons into the ocean. I said, ‘Boy, look at that view. Wouldn’t that make a great condo?’ You could have the best hotels in the world right there. Think of it from a real-estate perspective.” Trump needs to start thinking from a presidential perspective.

Trump really liked the North Korean dictator. He liked Kimmy so much, that he canceled military exercises with South Korea, without telling South Korea or even the Pentagon. He didn’t even give Kim Jong Un his patented grip-and-pull-I-have-a-bigger-button handshake.

While Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is “weak,” and “dishonest,” Kim Jong Un is a “funny guy.” He loves his people, and they love him back with “great fervor.” He’s a very “talented guy” with a “great personality” and a “great negotiator.” What about all the people Kim has thrown into gulags? Trump isn’t too worried about them as he says they’re the “great winners” of the summit. The word “great” was tossed around a lot.

Maybe Kim is a funny guy. He often tells this joke: Knock knock. Who’s there? Just kidding. They’re not going to knock when they come to throw you into a gulag.

Trump tweeted about the advice President Obama gave him on North Korea being our biggest problem. Trump says “no more” and “sleep well tonight.”

Trump even made a propaganda video for North Korea. Seriously. It was so good; reporters thought it was made by North Korea. After asking a question during the summit, Trump’s 2020 campaign manager advocated for CNN’s Jim Acosta’s press credentials to be revoked, which is something they’d do in North Korea…and with a firing squad.

Trump showed Kim the propaganda video on an iPad, which made North Koreans ask, “what’s an iPad?”

Kim Jong Un is about as talented and funny as Trump is a deal maker. Kim has no interest in building golf resorts. He’s not interested in improving the lives of his people. He’s a dictator. His main priority is clinging to power through appeasing his military, killing off anyone who is a threat, and manipulating the citizens of his nation. This is a man who had his own brother and uncle killed. Some people have been sentenced to death by being ripped apart by dogs, which means the dogs are eating better than the citizens of North Korea.

Kim Jong Un is paranoid. He was afraid leaving his country for the summit would invite a coup. He even traveled with his own toilet so nobody unauthorized would handle his poo, despite the fact, his people have been brainwashed to believe he doesn’t poo (so who’s going to look for his poo if he doesn’t poo?). Right now, there’s an official poo handler in North Korea wishing to be ripped apart by dogs.

Trump said if he’s wrong about Kim Jong Un and North Korea and it doesn’t work out, he won’t admit he’s wrong, but he’ll find an excuse to lie about it. Maybe, say the summit never happened, or that Obama made him go, or blame Canada. His sycophants will buy any of those reasons because they are more gaslighted than Kim’s supporters. But, in defense of North Koreans, they don’t have access to information.

Otto Warmbier was a student at the University of Virginia. He went to North Korea, was abducted, and Kim sent him back to us in a coma shortly before he died. Trump said Warmbier did not die in vain.

If you doubt that, then you must have missed the part about beach resorts.
Email Clay Jones at [email protected]