The Enterprise Crew tries to transport durring an Ion storm and ends up in the Tortall universe of Tamora Pierce. Rated for highjinks, sex, and terrible puns as I am wont to do. Look for lots of characters, and lots of pairings. main will be kirk/spock/bones, uhura/scotty, pavel/sulu, and all canon pairings in Tortall people as well as lots of swinging.

I'm not even going to try and claim this is my own idea. I read the amazing story Transported: The Healer by cable69 (who is an amazing author and everything they've written is gold), which is about McCoy ending up in the Squire universe of Tamora Pierce, and was inspired to try my hand at a similar idea. SO, here we are, with my own drabbling story. If anyone notices a distinctive similarity between the two, know it is unintentional and should be treated as homage.

True to my own nature, however, there will most likely be rampant omnisexuality and linguistic ramblings.

Now, a note about the POV. This will be done with an over encompassing third person narration, but it will change with each chapter which character is the 'main' mind talking. This is to deal with the discrepancy of terms used; such as magic versus force-field, for example. This first chapter is centred on Kirk and the Enterprise Crew.

I forget not everyone is a linguistics student like I am. I spend all day decoding IPA inscribed conversations, so it isn't hard for me to write spoken language phonetically, but for my lovely readers (it's been pointed out to me) rather than an idle curiosity it is actually quite the pain to filter through Scotty and Chekov's lines. I apologize, it wasn't my intention to annoy y'all, merely a reflex to write how I normally do. I've fixed it now.

Kirk stared uneasily at the readout Spock proffered. There was an unusually high, 'Hell, unusual for other ships, but not us,' amount of radiation activity in the quadrant. Ion storms were cropping up with an almost frightening regularity. He sighed and ran a hand through already messy hair.

"Captain, there is a logical need for caution. Perhaps we should postpone the excursion to the surface of Ancash XII. There is a 49.83 percent chance of transporter malfunction due to Ion activity, and our shuttles are still currently 'out of commission' so to speak due to last weeks diplomatic meeting," a sharp eyebrow lifted when Kirk began to grin in remembrance, "Captain, I fail to see the humor in this, or the former situation,"

"Never mind that Commander Spock. You say there is an almost 50 percent chance we're going to end up with transporter side effects?"

"Captain, Ion storms, similar to the one that landed yourself, Doctor McCoy, Mr. Scott, and Lieutenant Uhura on the alternate reality Enterprise, are no small matter. Both in safety and unpredictability, I must again insist we scrap this mission,"

Kirk simply thrust the PADD back into Spock's hands and commed Engineering.

"Scotty, how do you feel about the stability of the transporter under the current circumstances?"

"Keptin, th' high level of activity probably willnae have much of a reaction wi' the transporter, now that I've done these modifications,"

Kirk nodded, "That's good enough for me. Remember, as the most senior member of Engineering, you will also be expected to attend this conference. So, if you feel there is a danger, speak up, because you're on the line too,"

"Och aye Keptin. an' again, I say it's gonnae be perfectly safe,"

The comm clicked as the connection was terminated, "Well Mr. Spock, does that satisfy you?"

"…No, but I imagine nothing I can say will deter you at this point, Captain,"

"You're learning Spock," McCoy remarked as he strode onto the bridge, unhappily tugging at his dress uniform, "Jim, I feel like a darn monkey in this suit. Why do I have to go down? I'm a Doctor, damn it, not a diplomat!"

Uhura swiveled in her chair, "Leonard, we all have to go down. The High Council of Ancash demands the entire commanding team of the "Illustrious and famous Star Ship Enterprise" must beam down to "ensure that the validity and earnest nature of StarFleet and the Federation is apparent"," she concluded with a pained look.

"Yeah Captain, why do you have to be so good? If we were just another ship, only you and the Commander would have to go down," Sulu looked very dashing in his tightly cut dress uniform. He was busy shining his boots, sitting next to a green looking Chekov.

"You have no-one to blame but yourselves!" Kirk groused good naturedly. He turned his gaze to the obviously nervous Ensign,

"Chekov, do you actually have cold feet? Aren't you looking forward to all the lovely ladies down there?"

"Keptin, you awre not nervwous at all?" Pavel accepted a handkerchief from Sulu with a shaky smile of gratitude, "Dis is not a normal mission! Dey awre an entirely new type ov live form,"

"And that's why we're the ones doing the meeting. Our ship, while it may have a hair-raising track record, we also have the greatest number of successful encounters of any Ship in the Fleet," Kirk smiled brightly.

"Captain, I fail to see how our record would have any correlation to the Human fear reaction of follicle-," Spock was cut off by a sharp elbow to his side by McCoy accompanied by a pained glare.

"Keptin, aren't you all comin'? Or am I goin' down all alone?" Montgomery Scott's amusement was clear.

"You heard the man, let's get this show on the road, Folks," Uhura quickly exited the Bridge, handing her station over to her replacement.

"So help me Spock, if you say a word about there being no roads on Ancash, I'll find something nasty that Vulcan's need to be inoculated against on that planet," McCoy grumbled and walked after the Communications officer.

Spock merely raised an eyebrow as Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov guffawed and followed his Captain to the turbo lift,

"Fascinating,"

The Bridge Crew, plus one Chief Engineer who had what looked suspiciously like engine grease on his dress reds, and one irritable and sullen faced CMO, gathered at the transporter pad.

"This better be damn safe, don't think I didn't see the report," Bones groused as Kirk maneuvered him onto a pad between himself and Spock.

"That's what worries me!" Chorused Uhura and McCoy at the same time, sharing a smile as the woman settled herself onto the pad.

Kirk made sure Chekov and Sulu both gave him a nod before turning to the Ensign manning the transporter consol,

"Energize,"

Kirk was the first to come to. He was pinned beneath Chekov, or so it felt by the slight and wiry muscled body. He assumed it was just a bit of interference, it wouldn't have been the first time they'd had to suffer an inglorious landing. But when the sound of birds singing reached his ringing ears, he realized they were worse off than making a fool of themselves upon arrival.

"Scotty…." Kirk let his face fall back into the sweet smelling grass.

"Aye Sir, it looks like we're nae where we're supposed tae be," Montgomery Scott stood and dusted himself off as the rest of the landing party staggered to their feet.

"This just –oof—, justifies everything, augh, I've ever said about god damned transporters!" McCoy's irate voice rang out like a gunshot through the trees.

"We're alife, arnae we?" demanded the Scotsman.

"More importantly, Gentlemen, where are we?" Spock calmly interceded between the two.

"Ancash XII is supposed to be highly populated, hardly any vegetation that isn't in strictly regulated agricultural areas," Kirk looked around them with a pained grimace as Chekov finally peeled himself off his back.

"Right, and this definitely looks like a natural, old growth forest," Murmured Sulu.

"Where ever we are, this is gorgeous," whispered Uhura, plucking a clover blossom from the ground, "Look, these are normal, Terran plants! Look, apple trees, well, tree, the rest of these look like-,"

"Cedars!" Hikaru jumped past her to feel the gnarled trunk of the nearest tree, "These have been extinct since the late 2100s!"

Spock raised an eyebrow, looking around,

"Captain, we appear to be in some sort of semi-coniferous forest. Tricorder readings indicate an atmosphere nearly identical to that of the Earth. This appears to be an almost pristine forest, though made of largely new growth trees. There is evidence of great trauma to the land in at least the last decade,"

"Spock, tell us something we can't see with our own eyes," Kirk said lightly.

Chekov staggered a few feet on his still wobbly legs to lean against a tall cedar.

"Vell, vat do ve do from here?" he asked, glancing around them as he patted his pockets, assuring himself that his phaser, a last-minute addition for the entire away team upon the head Security officers' insistence, and his communicator were still there.

Uhura was currently trying to hail the Enterprise, but from her scowl, he could only assume there were no results.

"Well, Mr. Chekov, it seems we can do little but wait for the Enterprise to find us, and beam us back. We would do well to avoid discovery, since we don't know who inhabits this planet, or even if they're part of the Federation," Kirk glared down at a smudge of dirt on his gleaming gold shirt."That does seem smart, Captain," Sulu was busy taking samples from a number of the trees. As he approached the lone apple tree, a sudden shout and flood of black fire erupted from the trees to their left.

"Get away from there! Who are you?" The fire, some sort of portable shielding device Kirk assumed, swirled about them to form a solid dome of sparking black. Sulu was thrust backwards into the group by the shield. Instantly they all drew their phasers, training them on the spot the shout had come from.

"Stand down! I am Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Lower the shield, we mean no harm, we come in peace!"

McCoy managed to have a smart comment about that even as he stooped to keep from brushing against the force field, "Phasers set to stun, Jim,"

Kirk nodded as he watched a two humanoid figures emerge from the woods. A tall man with masses of coal-black hair had his hand outstretched, fingers sparking with the same black fire of the shield.

'He must have the control device,' Kirk mused. The other man, much shorter and wearing peculiar golden mail, had fiery copper hair cropped close around a strong face. Flashing purple eyes were wide and wary as he steadied a leather gloved hand on his sword. Most unnerving though, were the wolves ranging in the trees and around the two men. One with smoky brown curling fur minced close to the tall dark man's legs, hackles raised and growling.

"Who are you?" the tall man asked again as the redhead fiddled with a glowing stone at his throat, "Why are you here?"

"If you would lower the shield, I will happily make introductions," Kirk raised his hands placatingly after clipping his phaser back to his belt, "See? No weapons," the rest of the Crew followed suit and lowered their phasers, Chekov and Sulu the slowest to de-arm.

The pair merely regarded him with suspicion.

"I'll give you one more chance, tell me who you are, and why you're here," the dark menace was clear enough that Kirk nodded in acquiescence.

"We're the Bridge Crew of the Enterprise, but other than Mr. Spock here, who is Vulcan, we're all Earthlings," Kirk could see this meant nothing to either man, which was disturbing to say the least.

The two men frowned at each other, "Who's orders are you following, coming here? Are you Tortallians? Scanrans?" The man wiggled his fingers and the shield closed in around them. The dark light filled with flashing white fire made Kirk's hair stand on end as he brushed his arm against it tentatively. It didn't do more than deliver a mild shock, but he doubted their phasers could disrupt the energy field if he couldn't even see the device controlling it.

"Again, we are the Crew of the Enterprise, Call Number NCC 1701. We are under Federation direction to establish contact with the High Council of Ancash XII, a newly Space Emergent planet. Obviously, we are not where we intended to be. If you could just step back for a minute, we will be on our way as soon as we get into contact with our ship," Kirk held his communicator up, speaking slowly and clearly, searching the men's faces for any sign of recollection.

"Well?" The man cocked his head toward the smaller one, masses of crinkled coal black hair bouncing, eyes never leaving the captive group.

The redhead let the glowing bauble at his neck fall and looked at the tall one,

"Well, Numair," Kirk's blue eyes snapped to amethyst ones, it was a woman wearing that bright armor and sword, "They're telling the truth… at least a truth they believe,"

"Achem," Kirk cleared his throat, bringing the attention back to himself, "I believe I made satisfactory introductions. Who are you two? Do you know where Ancash XII is? Are we in the correct quadrant? Or are we just in a restricted area? I assure you, we meant no foul. Our transporter seemed to have malfunctioned," He added with a heated glare toward Scotty.

Uhura, looking at her universal translator, noted with cool interest that the device wasn't being activated. She studied the man and woman, noting the antiquated clothing style, the shining mail worn by the woman. If the translator wasn't activated, it meant they were speaking Terran Standard. An older dialect to be sure, but she couldn't help thinking this was not a normal transporter accident. Of all the solar systems and planets that utilized Terran Standard due to the Federation, to find individuals who resorted to the language automatically, especially when they showed no recognition of their Star Fleet uniforms, was incredibly chancy.

"I am Numair Salmalin," the man's eyes widened slightly when there was no sign of recognition, "And this is Sir Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau, the Lioness and King's Champion,"

Other than blinking at the odd, and long, title, none of the Crew showed any recognition to either person, which confused Numair and especially Alanna who knew her name was by now well known even in the Copper Iles and beyond.

"And this," Numair motioned toward the foremost wolf, "Is Daine Sarrasri, the WildMage," Even the wolf managed to look shocked at the lack of reaction, if that was possible.

"You all, really don't know who we are?" Alanna spoke slowly as she too stepped closer, her eyes sparking even brighter if possible.

"Your names are not in the memory banks of my computer, I am sorry," Spock nodded, "Although if this planet is not known to the Federation, that is not a large surprise,"

The wolves behind the group growled at Spock's voice, hair rising along their spines. Kirk and Bones moved in front of Spock, uneasy of the bared white fangs and menacing snarls. Uhura swallowed uneasily, backing closer to Scotty when the smoky brown colored wolf walked right up to the edge of the shield. It's eyes held a frighteningly human intelligence, and she wasn't entirely sure if the shield would keep it out as well as it kept them in.

Suddenly its muzzle twisted, eyes still locked on the Vulcan. The flesh rippled and hair receded. Grey skin became pink, and teeth flattened into molars rather than fangs. Soon, a human mouth sprouted from the face of the wolf.

"Numair! This one isn't Mortal, nor is it an Immortal. I don't think it's a God either," it spoke with the soft voice of a young girl.

I hope my story is different enough from Cable's, because I really want to share my own ideas. That being said, definitely go read Transported: Healer. I hope to update this relatively frequently, and already have a sizeable chunk written. Look forward to lots of high jinks, lots of Vulcan Illogical-torture, and lots of sex. The story is set after the events of the Immortal's War, so look to see Keladry, and mentions of Trickster's Choice events, but only the Tortall Universe. Ta my lovely readers!

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.