Contents

Hammy

[running along the hedge]IT NEVER ENDS!!![runs the opposite way and runs back to the group] It never ends that way too!

[looking up at Vincent, shaking in fear] Scary clown.

I am a crazy rabid squirrel! I WANT MY COOKIES!!

The weed hacker, Verne...the weed hacker!

I filled the log! I found my nuts!

RJ

They always got food with them. We eat to live - these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about! [as he speaks he shows the other animals what humans do] The human mouth is called a 'piehole', the human being is called a 'couch potato'. [signifies telephone] That is a device to summon food. [signifies doorbell] That is one of the many voices of food. [signifies front door] That is the portal for the passing of food. [signifies delivery truck] That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive food, they wear the food! [signifies microwave] That gets the food hot! [signifies refrigerator] That keeps the food cold! [signifies turtle pinata] That... I'm not sure what that is. [kids break the turtle piñata and Verne yells] Well, what do you know? FOOD! [signifies table where family prays before dinner] That is the altar where they WORSHIP food! [signifies advert for Seltzer] That's what they eat when they've eaten TOO MUCH food! [signifies treadmill] That gets rid of the guilt so they can eat MORE FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOOOOD! So, you think they have enough? [everybody nods] Well, they don't. For humans, enough is *never* enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming silver cans, just for us! [opens the thrash cans and knocks them over] Dig in!

[pointing to a map of Gladys' backyard] There are traps here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here...here, here, here, here, here...big one here, and I think a few over here.

[Verne is about to eat a diaper] That's a diaper, and that *does* come out of a wazoo.

Vincent

All right, RJ. I'm going back to sleep. When that moon's full, I'm waking up and all my stuff had better be right back where it was.

Other

Stella: I'm gonna gas you so hard that your grand children will stink!

Tiger: This face was bred for beauty. I cannot smell a thing.

Dialogue

Verne: If you needed the food, we would have let you have it. That's what families do.

Stella: My filth? MY FILTH?! OK, that's it. I am so sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away because they think I'm filthy! WELL, I'VE got NEWS for you, I didn't got all primmed and preened to have some overfed pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I've got makeup on my butt, dude! And you don't even want to know about the cork!

Tiger: No one has ever spoken to me like that! [pause] It's...bold! I like it.

Police Officer: Hey, hey, it was in your yard, your name's on the contract, so you can tell it to the judge.

Gladys: Oh please, it's not my fault, let go of me don't do this to me...

Police Officer: Ma'am...

Gladys: [yelling] You can't do this to me! I am president of the Homeowners Association!

Dwayne: [quietly as she is fighting the police] Get her.

[he climbs over a fence and accidently steps on a squeak toy]

Nugent the Dog: Play.

Dwayne: Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

[there is a bite heard]

Dwayne: AHHHHH!

Hammy: Wanna help me find my nuts?

RJ: Very tempting, Hammy, very tempting...

Vincent: Wow.

RJ: Vincent!

Vincent: So I was just on my way down here to kill you, and I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... that right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. [Chuckles] Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, your gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.

RJ: But I already had that.

Vincent: What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.

RJ: Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!