Is the Sinkhole Escapable?

The beautiful weather this weekend helped wrap a strong rope around me and took me back a little further from the edge of my depression canyon. I can still see too easily for comfort over the edge into the sinkhole, but I’ve got at least one foot on some solid soil. Now I’ve got to harness all my physical and mental strength and pull the rest of my dangling body up onto the ledge.

At the risk of over-analyzing things and scaring this slightly elevated mood back into its shell, I want to consider what made this weekend a little better so that possibly I can identify strategies to keep things trending in this direction. Of course, weekends are always nice because I get to spend much more quality time with Ben and we had fun together this weekend. Unfortunately, the way that our schedules (don’t) line up during the week prevents this from transferring easily to a weekday luxury. The weather was great, and I thrive on sunshine. With the significant limitations of my injury, this is actually a positive and negative. It’s almost more emotionally painful to weather the tease when the warm weather and sunshine beckons me to be out walking, running, biking, or playing outside than suffer through the gloomy, rainy days we’ve had lately; at least in the latter, I don’t feel like I’m missing much. The weather will only get better as we enter spring and summer, so I guess this will be mostly good.

Ben and I had some difficult talks this weekend but they enabled us to make some big steps forward together so I think that feels good. It reminds me that I’m healing. Sometimes progress seems so stagnant and possibly even reversed, but then suddenly, an impressive step is taken and rewards the patience and toiling that was previously invisible.

What else? A few people reached out after my last post about depression and that helped me feel connected and understood. I’m quite socially isolated, so sometimes it can feel like my struggles fall in uncharted human territory: I’m the sole soldier in such battles. Even with others who are far away and whose lives have seemingly little parallel with mine, it feels validating and somewhat relieving to know the struggle is not only mine (not that I would ever wish an ounce of emotional or physical pain on anyone).

Not that much else this weekend was radically different. I just tried to ride on the coat tails of my own inertia and bounce between activities a bit to keep busy and distracted. I also made a list of things I’m grateful for as I strongly believe there’s nothing as powerful as gratitude (outside of love) that can elevate one’s mood. I’ve restarted my daily morning practice of jotting down three things for which I am grateful, even if they are ostensibly small; it’s remarkable how quickly a list of life’s beautiful gifts amasses and that bounty is plentiful enough to keep my head and heart reeling me away from depression’s cliff.