Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Giving up the isolationist mentality

Recently, I made a thorough job of personal isolation. And
not in an “I need a little down time to recharge my batteries” way, either.

I’d had a pain in my side for a few months, like a stitch
one might get when running. I’d discussed it with a friend but told no one when
I went to the doctor. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I didn’t want to worry
anyone. I didn’t want to seem alarmist over a little twinge in my side.

So off to the doctor I went and, as I thought she might, she
ordered an ultrasound. That is how I found myself lying on an examination
table, having one of the countless medical procedures that strip one of
dignity, feeling frightened and profoundly alone. Afraid, I was being poked and
prodded, while a very young woman watched my reproductive organs on a screen
and periodically cleared her throat.

And I knew that the experience would have been entirely
different for me if I’d told even one trusted person where I was going, what I
was doing that day, and why.

In that moment, feeling frightened and lonely, I decided to
stop. Realistically, about 90% of any heartache I have is of my own making. Why
do I do this to myself? There are any number of people who would have gone with
me that day. There are many people in this world who love me. I hurt by
shutting them out.

And now I am going to work to open the doors to these people
because this is all a choice.

Today, I am going to choose to let people into my life. I
choose this, I choose who they are, and I choose to give up my own isolation.

And you can, too. Whoever you are, I guarantee that there
are people in your life who love you and who want to treat you with kindness
and respect. You have the power to choose to let them in. Or not.

Oh—and me? I’m going to be fine. It isn’t any of the big, scary stuff. And when I went to see
the gynecologist, my sister was in the waiting room and greeted my good news
with relief and pleasure. Because she loves me. And because I let her.