The Comedy Issue

12 Things I Learned in 2012

Self-love and self-loathing are constant, bickering bedfellows. If utilized correctly, both keep you moving forward.

There’s no way to sound smart in People magazine. But you will sound friendly!

Drake is not interested in you romantically or even sexually. :(

No one wants to hear your real opinion at the premiere.

Eating the bread at most events will make your table-mates quizzical and, ultimately, very jealous.

People will always find something in your work to argue with. Get used to being humbled, shutting out the noise, second-guessing yourself, and realizing that one out of six times those cretins are right.

Most meetings are about meetings, and if you have too many meetings about meetings you will get a very flu-ish feeling.

Uttering the words “Can I call you back? I’m just running into my facialist—Oh, hi, Terri!” does not assure your friends back home you haven’t changed a bit.

Being approached on the street is not actually such a burden, especially if the majority of your fans are gay males under 17 years of age.

It’s possible to feel like a creepy, pervy producer even if you are a 26-year-old girl.

Don’t listen to your friends who are worried you are getting too thin. They have not been at a Women in Film luncheon with you recently.

Hard work pays off. I am so annoyed at my father for being right about that.