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Lost Marbles in Two Acts

Man enters room. Six plastic chairs are in the room. Five people are sitting on five plastic chairs with one extra for the man. The chairs are arranged in a circle. The five people are drinking coffee. Each wears a hat.

Man: My name is Doug and I lost my marbles.

All Five: Come in, Doug, come in. We wear hats. This is the right place.

Man: Really? Do you have my marbles?

Lady Red Hat: Only you know that for sure.

Man: How could I? I don’t know if you have my marbles. But I know FOR SURE that I lost my marbles.

Fedora: How can you say that?

Fruit Hat: Yeah! How do you know you ever even had your marbles?

Baseball hat: And isn’t marbles just a generic term?

Man: What?

Bike Helmet: You know. It’s not specific enough. Perception is reality and all.

Lady Red Hat: How do you know your marbles aren’t the cause of your troubles to begin with?

Man: Who said I have troubles?

Baseball Hat: You said you lost your marbles. That sounds like trouble to me.

Other Hats: Yeah. Yeah it does.

Man: But who are you to judge me? Who are any of you and what gives you the right?

Bike Helmet: Well, we belong to a group. That’s what gives us the right.

Fedora: Yeah, that’s why I joined. (Holding a marble) When you’re in a group, you can do anything as long as everyone else does too.

Man: (Noticing the marble) Even steal my marbles?

Fedora: It’s not stealing. It’s finders-keepers.

Fruit Hat: (pointing at Man) Yeah, losers-weepers!

Bike Helmet: And as a group we can judge without having to think. We can judge you and we did and we think you are guilty.

Man: Guilty? Guilty of what? This is preposterous.

Lady Red Hat: We judged him? Guilty? I don’t really recall that. But, well, okay. As long as I don’t have to think.

Man: Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat: I voted guilty?

Fedora: I do what everyone says.

Bike helmet: Look look at him. Guilty as hell.

Man: Guilty of what?

Fruit Hat: Yeah, guilty of what?

Baseball hat: Why, guilty of having troubles, of course. It’s obvious, isn’t it? You, sir, are a man without marbles.

Fruit Hat: Oh, guilty of that.

Fedora: Wow, he does have issues. (staring at man) You need to join a group and get a hat.

Man: Will that help me find my marbles?

Fedora: Well, you’ll be in group.

Fruit Hat: And you’ll have a hat.

—ACT 2

Same room. Now six plastic chairs and a table in the middle. Bike Helmet is seated at the head of the table on a wobbly chair. On top of the table is a glass goldfish bowl filled with marbles. The man who entered the room at the beginning of play is now wearing a beanie with a propeller on top.

Man: Look, I have a hat.

Bike helmet: Now you are part of the group.

Man to Bike Helmet: What’s wrong with your chair?

Bike Helmet: I’ve got a few loose screws. That’s why I think I am in charge of the group.

Man: Why did the group steal my marbles?

Fedora (Incredulous): How can you be sure these are your marbles?

Man: They must be.

Baseball Hat: Why? Just because you lost your marbles and now there are marbles here, you think these are your marbles. Really? What if someone purchased marbles and brought them here?

Man: That’s silly. Where would anyone buy marbles?

Bike Helmet: At the marble store, where else?

Man: Money can’t buy marbles.

Bike Helmet: Money buys everything.

Man: Even marbles?

Bike Helmet: There’s always a store.

Lady Red Hat: If you have your marbles, the only other thing you need is your health.

Baseball Hat: And money. You need money.

Fedora: No you don’t.

Bike helmet: I do. How do you think I bought these marbles?

Baseball Hat: I knew it!

Man: Hey, those are my marbles.

Baseball Hat: He just said he bought those marbles, and now you think those are your marbles? That’s funny. You have really have lost your marbles, haven’t you?

Man: (Stands) That’s it. I’m going home.

Baseball hat: Where do you live?

Man: In that building, over there, where the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Baseball hat: Hey, I live there too.

Fruit Hat: So do I.

Fedora: I’ve lived there all my life.

Lady Red Hat: I live there too. Let’s all walk there together.

Fruit Hat: When we get there, do you want to play cards?

Lady Red Hat: Sure, but I don’t have a full deck.

Fruit Hat: I never play with a full deck of cards.

Everyone leaves the room. No one takes the marbles. Next to them is the beanie with the propeller on top.