Pages

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Self Analysis via TV or How Supernatural Made Me Me Again

Recently I watched Sons Of Anarchy and by watched I mean devoured. I
literally consumed it. I only stopped long enough to go to work. The minute I
got home, BAM, next episode. I stayed up later than usual, got up earlier than
usual, all to watch a TV show. I watched 4 seasons in 6 days. That’s 53
episodes in just under a week. Thankfully, most people I know don’t think
that’s weird! Simply put, Sons Of Anarchy hit a nerve and it was that nerve
that made me obsessively compulsively watch episode after episode until I had
bags under my eyes and dreams filled with motorcycles and highways and hot
biker boys.

It dawned on me, that that nerve might be the very same nerve that my
favourite TV show hits. That show, of course, is Supernatural. I’ve often
pondered why I love Supernatural so much. What connects me to it? Why this
show? What makes me want to watch it over and over, talk about it, write about
it, apart from the obvious; story, writing, quality of the production and
whatnot. Of course, most of it is Sam and Dean and their relationship, their
love, their bond, their everything, but is it more than that? Supernatural has
changed me on a cellular level. But why? Watching Sons Of Anarchy helped me
clarify why. It was something I always knew I guess. It’s that damn nerve of
mine. I’ve started to call it….my freedom nerve.

I was about 4 episodes into Sons Of Anarchy before I realised something,
the show has very similar themes to Supernatural. It’s about family, loyalty,
love and destiny versus freewill. There’s a ‘hero’ who always tries to do the
right thing, even when it goes against the grain. That’d be the right thing for
his family and that’d be the family he’s created around him, because in SAMCRO,
family don’t end with blood either. He lives a certain lifestyle and at his
core, he loves it, though he won’t admit it to himself or anyone else and so he
fights it every step of the way. He pines for normality, a ‘normal’ home,
getting out of the life and raising a kid, though he knows that will never be
his reality, because the life that chose him, will always call him back. He
wishes he could just chuck it all and run, but he won’t because he’s part bound
by history, part bound by loyalty and a lot bound by love. He’s freer than most
people, even though he often feels trapped. He lives a life outside of societal
norms. He won’t be pushed around. He stands up for what he believes in and will
fight to the death for those he cares for. Plus he’s smokin’, rides a hot
motorcycle and does most everything to a classic rock sound track. Of course
I’m talking about Jax Teller, but I could just as easily be talking about Dean
Winchester….just swap the bike out for the Impala.

But, but, the Sons Of Anarchy are bad and the Winchesters are good, I
hear you all screaming. True. But even though they fight different battles for
different reasons, a lot of where that fight comes from, a lot of why they
fight is the same. Jax and Sam and Dean are archetypal heroes and they don’t want
a bar of it, because great heroes never do.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks. These themes, the ones that are at the
guts of Supernatural and Sons Of Anarchy, run through pretty much everything I
watch. Everything. As I sat on the couch, remote in hand, Jax paused on my TV,
I suddenly realised I’d been watching the same show for years. The same story,
in one form or another, over and over with the same characters facing the same
challenges. Heroes, people walking to the beat of their own drum. Outsiders,
trying to stay true to what they believe in. Speaking their minds and living
passionate lives dedicated to loyalty, family and love and most importantly,
searching for some kind of meaning, some kind of connectivity in the world they
find themselves forced to survive in. Yep, tonne of bricks. I laughed out loud.

My first loves, Buffy, Angel, Fox Mulder, even I guess, Agent Dale
Cooper, were all individuals, outsiders, trying to live their life in a way
that makes sense to them, whether through destiny, circumstance or choice.
Being generally misunderstood by the masses and various authority figures, yet
finding truth in the people that they connect with, as they build their own
family. Finding people who do
understand them. Being true to themselves…

It suddenly made a lot of sense why Supernatural means so much to me,
why it’s pierced my heart and buried itself deep into my soul. Yes, sure, it’s
absolutely about Sam and Dean, who they are and their story, absolutely….but
it’s so much more.

I’ve probably never been what you’d call, umm, like everyone else I
know? I was a pretty rubbish student, even though I’m bright enough. I simply
struggled to do what I was told. I think the word I heard a lot was stubborn. The
only thing I ever cared about or excelled in was art and English. I was always
the chick busted for daydreaming and doodling up the back of the class. I was
always the chick that wore her uniform just a little wrong, had the wild
haircuts, and crazy eyeliner. It wasn’t that I was trying to be bad or trying
to stand out, good Lord no, it’s just how I was and even at 16, I guess I was
being true to myself, without even knowing it.

That gets harder the older you get don’t you think? You find yourself
somehow being sucked into the expectations of family and society. You find
yourself bending and conforming to become who you think you’re supposed to be.
Who you think you’re supposed to be to get the job you think you’re supposed to
have and live the life you think you’re supposed to live. At least I did. Some
people call it maturing, but I don’t know…. It wasn’t a complete
transformation, there’s always a rebel living free in my heart, but I was
definitely no longer being true to myself, without even knowing it.

Then….I started watching this show about two brothers.

I said earlier that Supernatural changed me on a cellular level, and it
did. It all started there. I’m sure of it. I just didn’t really know why. Even
though I had unwittingly always been drawn to TV shows with similar themes it
all started with their story. The Winchester’s story. I loved everything about
it from the first moment I saw it. From the moment Dean said I can’t do this
alone and Sam said yes you can and Dean said yeah, well I don’t want to…. Hook.
Line. Sinker. It just grabbed me by the throat and left me gagging for more.
But, not one single person I knew watched it. Not one. So I kept it to myself.
I quietly watched season after season, getting more and more involved and
slowly but surely getting more and more affected by the story unravelling week
after week before my eyes. Something inside me started to shift. Those themes,
the ones that I’d been unknowingly seeking out and which had captivated me for
years, suddenly started to build some kind of connective tissue inside me.

Then towards the end of season four, something big occurred. I
discovered other fans. Holy cow! Where had they all been hiding! When that
happened, the cellular transformation went into overdrive. I suddenly found a
group of people who loved the show that I loved, who I could talk to about it,
in detail. My secret show was now out in the open. What a relief. Not only that,
these people, strangers, seemed to open their arms and accept me. They
tolerated my eccentricities. They understood me with out even meeting me. They
supported me and encouraged me. They let me be me, without any expectations,
not one. Something in that released that little something in me that was still
trapped deep down and voilà, my freedom nerve started hopping again.

After that,
everything sort of changed.

Now I get why Supernatural resonates with me the way it does. It’s all
my themes, the ones I didn’t even know I was watching, amped up on steroids!
It’s the being true to who you are and fighting for what you believe in. It’s
the family don’t end with blood and the finding people who get you thing. It’s
the living by your own set of rules, the choosing free will over destiny. It’s
love, it’s loyalty, it’s speaking your mind and being brave enough to be yourself…all
set to a classic rock soundtrack, no seriously, you should see my iPod. Let’s
face it; it’s the ultimate escapism but even escapism holds truth.

It even sounds a little nutty to me that a TV show could affect me on
this level, but it did. Somehow, Supernatural, this story of these two
magnificent brothers, helped me get back to being me…..

Of course the flip side of this is that now there are some people in my
life who no matter how much they love me, will never quite get me. I know they
try, but I know they don’t. Maybe they never did, but now it seems way more
pronounced! Their bewildered looks seem way more frequent! Not only that, it’s
harder to conform to the requirements of my day-to-day world, which I
absolutely have to do if I want to, you know, eat! It’s harder to settle into
the life I have, which ain’t at all bad I hasten to add. It’s harder not to
daydream my hours away. It’s harder to do all of these things because every
cell seems to urgently shimmer and every drop of blood gurgles and rushes
through me making my freedom nerve twitch. Now, instead of ‘me’ being difficult
to find, ‘me’ is difficult to contain! And you know what? I wouldn’t have it
any other way because by rediscovering that pesky freedom nerve of mine, I’ve
found a connection. I’m me again. For better or worse. And I have Supernatural
and all of you, to thank for that.

A good friend of mine, who I’ve know for about 8 years, recently said to
me that though I always seemed happy, now I seem like I’m who I’m supposed to
be. It made me laugh. I said yeah, I feel like that too, (ok yes, we were a little
drunk). She asked what’d changed. I said, well you know what, as buckets of
crazy as this might sound to you…I think it was Supernatural and everything
that’s come along with it. The brothers, the story, the friends, the
conventions, the Js, the fans, the acceptance. She just smiled. She got it. I
guess maybe my friends do get me after all…..

Why do I watch Supernatural? Because it’s who I am…. and as Ash would
say.... I’m cool with it.

Commenting Policy

sweetondean is a safe environment for sharing opinions on and the love of Supernatural in a balanced, constructive and respectful way.

To comment you will need to sign in using one of the login options or register.

You are more than welcome to comment on posts on this website and respond to other commenters. But please do so with respect and if you feel you are being misinterpreted respond with respect. Hostility is unacceptable.

Comments must adhere to the following commonsense commenting guidelines:

No attacking sweetondean or other commenters.

No rudeness.

No angry rants.

No character hate.

No writer hate.

No actor hate.

No Sam v Dean wars

No Jared v Jensen wars

Any and all of the above will be deleted without warning by the site administrator.

Follow sweetondean on Twitter

Follow sweetondean on Instagram

Jensen's Tweets

Jared's tweets

sweetondean's Tweets

Women of Letters Podcast - Episode 54 onwards!

NEW HOME of the Women of Letters Podcast! The all Aussie Supernatural podcast! Jules from Superwiki and sweetondean talk all things Show and fandom! Contact us on WOLSPN@gmail.com Listen via iTunes (click pic) or soundcloud! https://soundcloud.com/missyjack

Women of Letters Podcast Archive - episodes 1 - 53

The all Aussie Supernatural podcast! Jules from Superwiki and sweetondean talk all things Show and fandom! Contact us on WOLSPN@gmail.com