Cincinnati City Council in 2011 saw councilpersons resigning, replacements immediately campaigning and, eventually, the ousting of four incumbents in favor of young people and Democrats. Here's the year in City Council as reported by WWE!

Rev. Pat Robertson’s think tank was
working overtime early this morning, trying to substantiate links
between the power outages which delayed last night’s Pittsburgh Steelers
game in Candlestick Park against the San Francisco 49ers and God’s
angry hand.

In the Clifton redevelopment stategy, National retailers Great Clips,
Firehouse Subs and Dibella’s Old Fashioned Submarines will lease some of
the 80,000 feet of retail space. Opening two more places to get subs
within a quarter mile of Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s and Potbelly doesn’t
seem like the wisest thing to do.

Scientists
believe the temperature on Kepler-22b is about 72 degrees, making it the
best candidate yet for life beyond our solar system. NASA still needs
to confirm that the planet has an atmosphere, in which case the next
step would be to send some robots there to eradicate anything found
living in case it could hurt us.

If you know anything about integral
calculus, then you know that the area under a curve represents volume,
while the slope is the acceleration at any given point (on a different
type of curve, ha!). But if you think you know enough about integral
calculus to prove these statements wrong then, sorry, but you don’t have
any credibility because you’re probably drunk, as two new studies have found a correlation between intelligence and a
thirst for alcohol.

Hamilton County commissioners are still
trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the
property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports
stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Monzel and Portune were said to be
intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the
political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good
way to break bad news to people.

It wasn’t very long ago that University
of Cincinnati students started a mostly justified riot in Clifton
Heights — it was Cinco de Mayo and a frat boy locked his keys inside his
car while it was running (“Smash it! Fuck the police!”). Penn State
University students today took to the streets in defense of something
even more ridiculous: their school’s football coach getting fired.

When a
reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong
with an educational system in which some schools are so much better
than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed
that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be
making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the
cold like a dumbass” with them.

No one has ever accused Citizens Opposed
to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST) of being less than honorable
and forthright. (Wait, no, that’s backwards. It happens all the time,
sorry.) The group best known for arguing from the suburbs that the city
should stop spending money trying to fix its problems today was accused
by a pro-rail group of knowingly making false statements about streetcar
funding.

Westboro Baptist Church came to town
today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over
“what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how
exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with
a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said
the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay
martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow
owls live in the ground.

Those of us who regularly witness these scenes were not surprised
that it took only two weeks for Ohio to arrest its first legally armed
bar patron for threatening to kill someone. Supporters of the new guns-in-bars law say it worked as intended and
that once the gun-wielding public hears one of its brothers is in jail
for five years the rest will learn to control themselves when someone
plays Dave Matthews Band on the jukebox five times in a row.

Federal prosecutors in California today criticized the state’s
medical marijuana industry for spiraling into a never-ending cycle of
helping people and raising money, announcing that it would target
certain members of the industry for “hijacking” the state’s 1996
Compassionate Use Act for profit. Feds are concerned with out-of-state
profiteers opening large-scale commercial dispensaries, but also
admitted concern over the existence of an entire city named Weed.

After months of speculation about when
Apple would announce the launch of the iPhone 5, the company today
finally scheduled the press conference that would change all of our
lives forever ... and announced that there would be no iPhone 5. Tech
geeks across the land responded with rage to the offer of an improved
iPhone 4S, promising to switch to the Samsung Galaxy 2 and then weeping
because they know it’s not true.

Some of Mason’s brightest residents
panicked today, believing that a small plane landed on the side of
Interstate 71. What was thought to
be a plane turned out to be a prop built on The Beach Waterpark’s
property. Hours later, things got even more confusing when some of the
first responders passed Kings Island and became certain they were in
France because they saw the Eiffel Tower.