Letter from a lover.

by Hansini

My dear,

I love sitting by the window late at night- to see the stars staring down at the girl with the troubled mind. Without tongues and lies they could spread, they are harmless to be around.

I tell them about you. I have never feared anything as much as loving you. In more than one way, the thought of stepping outside of myself has always haunted me throughout my relationships.
Love means losing; no room to be who I really was. I have always felt obliged to conform myself to what a lover ought me to be. How to dress and what to say.

Yet with you, Love is so dangerously real. You haven’t given me the time to try and find out how you want me to be. You just seem to want me for who I am. I honestly don’t know how to deal with that. It’s like watching a movie in a language you don’t understand but falling in love with one of the characters anyway.

I try to think of ways to tell you this, but your eyes leave me dumbstruck. My personality is constantly hiding behind the curtains that lead to an over lit stage. You sitting in the front row, clapping when the show hasn’t even started yet.

Perhaps I’m just lucky right now, you seem infatuated but now the conversations are starting to fade. But darling, I realize I will eventually need to swoon you with a little more than my appearance and flesh.
What a funny thing it is- I can stand in front of you bare naked, let you praise my skin with your closeness, but I cannot tell you how I love for you to wrap me in your arms when we hug goodbye, how I love eating a chocolate right before going to bed and how I avoid anything to do with fire as I had seen my house burn when I was a kid and how narrowly we’d all escaped.

Loving you means setting on the gas a little more, slaying these fears which ultimately frighten me the most, specially the nights when I am alone.
I want nothing more but to see your face throughout the day, walk next to you. You’ve become too much of who I am, yes, as if your glance is to be seen in everyone else’s eyes. As if the radio keeps playing songs only you liked and the fact that your name keeps popping up in every conversations.

You are everywhere. You mean everything. Nothing else matters.

So I am writing this letter, for one must take small steps towards a big change and this is one of those. I couldn’t tell you this in person. No , not yet, but bear with me, because for the first time in life, I’ve found more freedom in facing my fears than avoiding them. Even if I’ve never said so, please believe me when I write to you, I love you. I love you.
I hope I ‘ll be able to tell you someday, directly. Concealed. You’ve unlocked the doors, baby. The outside world is luring me.