Scarlett Johansson isn't pregnant, but maybe she wants to be? Matthew Perry returns to rehab. Lindsay Lohan hires a new publicist. (As if that will help.) Friday gossip is optimistic.

Scarlett Johansson is "determined to have a child" with double-her-age boyfriend Sean Penn, says this thinly sourced In Touch story that I don't really believe, but hey, at least we'll have something to link to next time Scarlet fails to wear Spanx, and everyone flies into PennJo pregnancy hysterics. "Sean's telling her that he has no interest in starting a family," though, so no prego ScarJo, even in the fantasy world where 26-year-old starlets are dying to lose control of their bodies, cover themselves in stretch marks, and experience the most excruciating pain of their life nine months later. [Celebitchy, images via Getty]

Matthew Perry returned to rehab this week: "I'm making plans to go away for a month to focus on my sobriety and to continue my life in recovery. Please enjoy making fun of me on the World Wide Web." Well, when you put it that way, kinda sucks all the joy out of it! [People]

Lady Gaga wore shoes with plastic penises for high heels on American Idol, thereby forcing Fox to censor her feet, because things that look like penises are not allowed on television. Remember that big censor bar they had to put over Chris Daughtry's penis-shaped head all the time? The world is hard for bald men with long, narrow faces and necks as wide as their heads. [TMZ]

Don't believe the hype: Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton still hate each other, almost as much as they love having their names in headlines for stories about how much they hate each other. [Popeater]

Leonardo DiCaprio went clubbing and ran into Ashley Greene They talked for a minute, and did not leave together, but since they're both newly single, expect a hook-up rumor in a day or two, anyway. [People]

Mariah Carey "wanted to make sure that when the babies came out, they came out not only to a Mariah Carey song, but a live performance from Mariah Carey, her Madison Square performance of 'Fantasy,'" Nick Cannon explains. "So they came out to a round of applause." [Us]

Matt Dillon is mad because a restaurant with a "night club vibe" is moving in next door to his Upper West Side apartment. He spoke at an evening community board meeting in "a little porkpie hat and sunglasses." [P6]

Jon Gosselin: "I really don't miss anything about the reality TV life… I really want to say that this is my last interview." Streamers and confetti cascaded from the ceiling, and eight small children paraded through the room, scattered rose petals and singing merrily. America has won the war on Jon Gosselin! [ITW]

Real Housewife of Orange County Alexis Bellino is coming out of the closet as an anorexic bulimic who regularly eats less than 900 calories a day. "It's not like I'm healed. This haunts me." Good thing she chose a career where her physical appearance will not be scrutinized exhaustively. [NYDN]

Mike Myers' wife is pregnant and in her second trimester. At 47, he will be a father for the first time. Mazel tov! [P6]

Once upon a time, a tiny chihuahua named Hayden Panettiere fell in love with a Great Dane named Wladimir Klitschko. It was a difficult love, one that raised eyebrows and defied physics, but the valiant love puppies persevered for many months, until finally, it was not size but geography that broke them up. For the chihuahua was a starlet specializing in the fine art of made-for-TV murder specials, and to do that you have to live in Los Angeles. And the Great Dane was a Ukranian heavyweight boxer, and while you can be heavy and hit things pretty much anywhere, his heart would never leave Kiev. And so they broke up, amicably but balefully, leaving a trail of curious perverts wondering if they made a sex tape, because Hayden kind of piqued our interest that one time she talked about it on Ellen. The end. [People]