Sunday, April 29, 2012

My Sunday Feeling

Suffice it to say that your life is way too complicated if you a) knocked up a crazy person who was b) on the payroll of your c) campaign for President while you are, of course, d) not only married but e) married to a person who has cancer and is f) every bit as brazenly ambitious as you.

So, you being g) smarter than everybody h) get your star crossed and weirdly emotionally attached aide Andrew Young to i) get an elderly rich person to funnel your crazy and really troublesome paramour lots of j) $ and you also talk him into k) claiming that your baby is actually his and his wife goes along with it and let's your babymama move in with them which should have l) made you wonder if Mrs. Young is nuts too.

You are eventually outed by the National Enquirer in a m) rare display of actual journalism (think about that for a moment, John) which leaves Andrew with a problem with the IRS because he's been getting all of these checks which might look like n) income to the average auditor. So naturally, he writes a book about all of this which describes you as an o) vain, preening asshole which by that point is hardly front page news.

Even worse, the Republican US Attorney over there decides to gin up a case against you for p) violating campaign finance laws when the $ got funnelled through weirdly heart broken Andrew to your babymama. Andrew and babymama get q) immunity for not reporting the $ as r) income! (along with anything else they can think of) and you are s) indicted by the same US Department of Justice that you t) in your boundless arrogance and hubris actually thought you had a shot at u) running.

Point for you, you may have an actual defense. But you, being v) a former United States Senator and Presidential contender will have to w) take the stand (and promise to really, really, really tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth) and x) testify! Or your goose is y) cooked. Because the jury is not going to let you hide behind the 5th Amendment.

Which leads to the following question z) was that strange really worth all this?

Hell, I'm out of letters of the alphabet. That's how complicated your goddamn life is.