Archive for the ‘creating happiness’ Category

The above is a very POWERFUL image.. she confronting social convention.. rebelling against social norms.. the norm for women to make themselves small and acceptable for male approval, for marriage, and to avoid the lash back of male violence.. the subliminal message given to men to ” Control your woman!” If she isn’t controllable to the man that is socially asleep or UNAWARE of his social conditioning she is an affront to his so called masculinity ..that is in truth macho behaviors taught to boys by insecure men.. to berate a woman to prove ones own masculinity.. is in essence to disprove that he is indeed a man.. a man upholds and respects the women in his life.. he commands respect by giving respect.. he doesn’t demand or abuse a woman into feeding his insecurities..

But lets look at the other women in the picture..some are in awe of her bravery..others fear for her safety and for their own due to her rebellion .. some wish she would put her confinement back on.. least they should be punished and shamed with her..least they should be abused by association.. you can see the men in the picture.. look at her with disproving eyes.. you can imagine soon they will react ..first with name calling..and then with violence..because they must make an example of this woman to keep the other women enslaved to feed their insecurities.. what she has done is a very dangerous thing indeed..

Yet there she stands in her true power.. her feminine strength.. vulnerable yet powerful in her authentic self.. she will fight them..the men. She will fight them with truth and justice. She is smart, fast and quick on her feet.. her power is truth. Her power is in her ability to shine..to stand her ground, to speak out loud.. she doesn’t need social conventions to define her..she is her own definition..

Soon other women will follow..many of them younger women.. those ready to shed the shame.. to be strong enough to take a stand against the abuse..to outlast, to have the stamina to take the hits for other women who are soon to follow.. But they will stand tall with truth, they will be justice..and so they will have justice and equality..

The message in this image.. is that under each berka ..there is a Wonder Woman…in each woman she lives.. she is meant to lead..to carve a path..

It is the message of my book..of this website..it is seen in my actions.. in my life story.. I have lived this image..

Daring to stand out for other women..for the young girls to follow.. who will shed the shame..and stand tall against the abuse..

Because a good leader teaches others how to lead..

One day.. there will be no more shame heaped upon women’s bodies, upon their sexuality..upon their so called virtuous behaviors..

Because we will regain the control over our own bodies by not allowing the abuse..we will own ourselves..

For what you allow continues.. it is time that women stood tall together..

This is the dream I had last night.. I am writing this while drinking my first cup of coffee at 6 am..while my kids are still sleeping.

In my dream I am with my ex husband.. he has a little black kitten.. he carelessly buts the little black kitten by a big hungry dog’s bowl while the dog is eating..the dog starts to growl in protest at the kitten being by his bowl.. I tell my ex to please pick up his kitten before the dog’s instincts kick in and the dog attacks the little kitten.. my ex says to me full of arrogance that the kitten is his and that it will be fine.. just then the dog pounces on the little baby kitten, grabs the little kitten by the scruff of the neck and violently shakes it nearly to death.. I scream and pick up the little kitten off the floor..the baby black kitten has a open wound in the back of her neck.. I can see teeth marks and blood..she is barely alive.. I show my ex what he has done out of his carelessness and arrogance.. he says the little kitten will be fine..and he wants the kitten back.. I run from him crying with the little black kitten in my arms.. I will not give the baby black kitten back to him.. I nurse the little baby kitten back to health.. I take her everywhere with me.. I feed her from a bottle..she sleeps with me at night.. I take her shopping with me in my purse.. she heals and gets stronger.. her fur gets thick and shiny..she purrs all the time..and she wants to play..to get down out of my warm loving arms and play..but I say to the little kitten… not yet little one.. soon though.. your getting stronger..

Then I wake up.. and I remember the dream as clear as this..then fall back to sleep and dream this as my little 6 year old boy sleeps beside me..because earlier in the night he has crawled into my bed to cuddle..

I dream of a little girl of about 5.. I hear her bare feet on the hard would floor..as she patters over to my bed.. just like my son did earlier.. but she is me..at 5.. she has come to cuddle..and I let her in with a big warm hug..

I dreamed these dreams..because last night an old high school girlfriend messaged me..she said she was worried that I was becoming hardened by attempting to promote my book.. from all the adversity that I have faced..all the names I have been called..all the rejection..all of the court cases with my ex.. having my brother and sister reject me..all of the social rejection..she noticed me purging negative people off my facebook..she noticed me fighting back..and she was worried that they were winning and hardening my heart..

Yes sometimes they do win.. sometimes I have to walk out of my house with a very thick skin..to protect my many wounds..because I am that little black kitten.. I am me taking care of me.. I am that little girl..that no one cuddles but me..and I am a single mother with no family..and I have to keep these pieces of me for my children..to be present for them.. I have not been able to date..because many men treat me like my ex husband..they are careless of my feelings..the will put me in harms way because they feel like I deserve it for my website and book..because I use my own sexuality with my topless Goddess photography to teach about sacred sexuality.. and so I take myself in my arms..and nurture myself..and protect myself from this adversity.. until I am strong enough to brave it and face it alone..again.

My imagination was and still is my saving grace.. my special place to run when the world has caused me to come undone.. my inner world, were tame becomes wonderfully wild.

My first memories are memories of abuse from my father.. I escaped into books and art.. I walked the cosmos inside.

I walked on stardust.. I danced on moonbeams.. and then I played on soft beams of sunshine.. no one could touch me on the inside.. the journey and the adventure deep within my soul.

I gained this wisdom early on.. it helped me through the death of my sister ..as she died and even after she was gone we walked the cosmos together .. we communicated in this magical place.. she came to me in dreams telling me of her impending death ( transformation) she came to me in the great void to give my heart fair warning.. and there she visited me ..as she died ..we went hand in hand to walk on stardust and moonbeams.. clothed in mystery we found wisdom in death together..and after her transformation..she showed me how to fly.. how to transcend this word .. how to rise above the earth to the temple within..she brought me into the light…a beautiful sacrifice .. accepting change.

The babies that passed on within me.. they meet me there.. because love lives on and on.. they taught me how to swim in the sparkling sea of brilliant tears..they taught me how to swim through my emotions.. in this inner place of soulful mystery.

As my marriage ended..as he went to another woman to find his fun.. I found my solace here in the inner sun.. I walked the cosmos.. I walked within to find my strength in adversity..and as I walked the earth outside in the sun..crying tears alone .. I felt the cosmos hold me.. as it was within me..

I found my comfort, as I felt the spirit of the stars and planets guiding me .. the holy and the sacred..saying ” This way.. walk away into infinity.”

And now as I ascend the world from the inner door.. I look down and see how he stayed were he was while I journeyed on and on.. higher and higher .. like an eagle on an upwind.. I rise.. I walk the cosmos..

I walk through the doorway..to this magic place..through my art and self expression.. I find myself.. when I forget myself..

I humble myself.. swim in and through tears.. flow..as I let go of what I thought I had known..facing weaknesses..building strength..

I learned in this place of wisdom.. that the doorway though is deep inside me and you..

For the first time in my life my home feels like my own.. It is my place, with my stuff.. it is my refuge from the busy and sometimes cruel world.

For the first time my time is my time.. I don’t have to explain to someone why I am doing the things I am doing. I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying the things I am enjoying.

I don’t have much money. I can’t travel the world..but I am at home in my own soul.

Even though I have many struggles.. and I have run up against some intensity trying to promote my book.. I can say this is mine too 🙂

In comparison ..when I was married over 3 years ago.. everything was his. We started out a business together..bought a home together but somehow in his mind when I became pregnant I became owned by him..along with the house, the business, the cars, the stuff in the house.. I was basically demoted to a domestic employee. He took over the bank accounts and started to erode myself worth by constant put downs.. nothing I did was enough..and if I spent my time and energy on myself I was selfish and childish..

I am so happy to be alone now..when I think back to those days.. I was so sad..so drained.. he was an empty heart..and because of his own emptiness there was absolutely nothing I could do to fill him.. it was something he had to do on his own..but he would reflect his emptiness onto me..blaming instead of taking responsibility.. my responsibility was not leaving him after the birth of our first child..when he started to flirt with female employees and take over my life..treating me as subordinate .. I should have left with our baby daughter then.. I should have gone to the woman’s shelter as I had no family ( that is why he thought he could get away with it) instead I gave into my fear and stayed to have 2 more children.. he was the one who left to have his affair..

But looking back..what a favor that women did for me.. stealing him away.. away from me helping me grow.. helping me through sorrow create as an artist and a writer..to her I say ” THANK YOU”

Now being alone.. I am not so quick to want to just let any man into my life..because I am free. I don’t want to owe a man anything again.. I don’t want his money to buy me. I don’t want to be entrapped by the constant game of trying to live up to someone’s impossible expectations.. I would rather struggle financially on my own. I am not so quick to give up my body..as I love myself now..more than I can express..

My time at the gym and my healthy diet an expression of myself love..

Yes I miss a man’s touch.. painfully so sometimes.. yes I miss conversations and dinner’s out on the town..sharing looks and tender moments..but at what price? When he has a wandering eye.. looking over the fence at the greener grass and expecting me to be super woman to impress him?

The neat thing about this is that I own the deck of cards that Doreen is reading off of..and she is reading in my city of birth Vancouver BC

She is reading the cards as an over all feeling of energy throughout the planet.. I went and pulled these cards out of my deck and put them on my dresser on display early this Monday morning..and I received this news in the mail late in the afternoon.

Below is my comment to Doreen’s video on facebook.

“”You were right Doreen.. I received bad news in the mail today ( Monday) I filed a claim with the BC Human Rights tribunal..due to the fact that I have been sexually discriminated against by 2 of my cities networking organizations and some of their members against my website and self published book based upon The Goddess Archetypes..dealing with women’s sexuality and sacred sexuality..they will not hear the claim due to what they see as lack of solid evidence. They told me I could try filing against one member if I could prove the sexual harassment .. but I can’t..so there is no point. I have also been bullied online by these people as they use fake or no identities on my blog to comment..so I cannot prove nothing.. only that I can not be successful in my own city due to the fact that I cannot use these organizations to network.. it is a major loss and grief for me..as I know they are all gossiping and gloating at my failure to bring justice ( yet I am somehow relieved as their energy has brought my energy down and drained me for sometime.. it will be good to let them go) .. I am hoping with bated breath..that fortune will turn my way..and somehow I will get some financial help promoting my book and the message of women’s empowerment and sex for the sake of love.. the erotic not the pornographic..because I use myself as a model for my book..I express the Goddess through sensual yet classical artistic type photography.. I have been labeled as a whore in my city..and in the professional community.. promoting and living in the sacred..and believing myself in sacred sexuality.. I am far from a being a whore. I am going to share this comment on the blog part of my website..and I can link up your video above I will share it with the post I am going to write tonight.. but a least with your reading I had some emotional for-warning.. when I picked up the mail..and saw that it was from the Human Rights Tribunal.. I just knew this was going to be # 13.. the death and purification card.. death of the idea that I could bring justice..but purification of old, negative energy .. of people who are nothing like their online profiles say they are.. Thank you Doreen.. many blessings .. if you would like to read my blog””

As much as I am very sad that my claim will not be heard.. I know because of this reading it is for the greater good.. it simply is not the will of the Universe..for reasons I just can’t see yet.. at the very least this reading gives me hope that something better is just around the corner..and that I am learning a positive life lesson staying in my grief and sorrow.. and that I can let these people go..as this has done nothing but drain me of my positive energy.. now I can move on and look forward to summer..I really want to write another book..

I see now this is for the best.. I can not even attempt to network with these people.. I can not even attempt to attend any of their supposed public functions.. were everyone is supposed to be welcomed.. for I simply am not welcomed but shunned by these people..it is something that I will have to accept..because by God I tried to change it.. but I can not change other’s perspectives..but I can go on and live my life..and do what I love to do..and that is to create and do the will of the higher good.

Blessings sometimes come disguised as troubles.. I have been sick off and on since the middle of March. Yesterday I woke up unable to see well, I was so sick I couldn’t drive my kids to school..anyway to make a long story short after taking a cab to the Walk-in Clinic I was sent promptly to the Emergency, because the doctor thought my sinus infection and eye infection may have progressed into meningitis ..they must of been very concerned because I was seen and tested within the space of about an hour..and thank the Fates that it was just a very bad sinus infection..but this is the blessing in the test.

The only thing I regretted was not saying good-bye to my children as I rushed out the door to catch the cab.

On my way to the hospital.. I thought of all the friends and some relatives that I had that died young and quite suddenly and so this made me question my own mortality seriously. My most important thoughts were of my children and how they would deal with my death.. {if I was indeed dying} ( of course these were the thoughts traveling through my mind at lightning speed ..while in the cab driving to the Emergency) but I had no other regrets.. my biggest achievement is my children and the writing of my book and the creation of my website. I am so blessed to have my babies and to have given birth creatively.. I am so blessed to have the fearless spirit that has been bestowed upon me by The Fates..

I learned this about Fate.. there are things that you cannot control.. like what other people do or say.. like when your born..the family you are born into.. or when your life ends.. or when love will come and go from your life.

I thought of dying alone. I do not have a life partner and I thought to myself ” I don’t want my children to see me all gross and dying.. I don’t want them to remember me that way.. I don’t want to scare them”..these thoughts came to me so quickly! But even though, if I was going to die.. I would rather die alone than with people who didn’t really love me.. like my ex husband, sister and brother.. I would rather die alone with my dignity than surrounded by others just there with me because they felt a sense of duty…and so I had decided if I were dying .. I would do it bravely alone .. on my terms..

Most importantly.. I am so proud of myself and the way I have lived my life.. of course I have not been perfect and I will not be perfect..but I have loved fiercely .. I have been loyal to a fault.. I have been as honest as I can be.. and I have fought to be me in a world that worships conformity. I have lived my dreams.. I have created abundantly..and I have faced my fears.. I am proud of the way I have FACED FATE.. I have done my best..with what was given to me..and that is all I ever needed to do..it’s all any of us need to do!

I did feel sorrow at not having met the ONE.. ( you know what I mean.. the right person for me) but I am proud that I have not settled for the wrong one.. again FATE.. he just hasn’t arrived yet..and if he has he has not made himself known or FATE has not turned yet..but it will when THE FATES allow 😉

Of course I thought ” I don’t want to die.. I have more books to write.. more love to give..and more things I want to do and experience.”

On my return home.. I held my children close.. I was in intense pain all that day..but the next morning I woke because I felt better! At 5 am all the antibiotics I have been taking for the last week must have kicked in.. the pressure in my head had subsided quite a bit..and I COULD SEE FULLY AGAIN.. ( I am not %100 yet but..) I laughed to myself as a line from the song Amazing Grace popped into my head ” I was blind but now I see” ( these things amuse me greatly.. I am my best company) I turned on my BlackBerry next to my bed to hear it go off like a pinball machine.. and I thought ” WTF?” then I laughed again as I realized it’s my birthday today..and all my facebook friends were wishing me a Happy Birthday while I slept..

I woke up in more ways than one.. no matter who calls me down..be it in person, facebook, twitter or my blog and website.. I know who I am ..and I know were I am going and I know were I have been.. and I know I am right on target… and I know who my friends are!

I have had so many names thrown my way; this is me reclaiming the positive. This is me taking back the night so to speak..this is me reclaiming myself, my soul and my energy from those who have tried to drain me of my life force.. I suggest you do the same .. do it privately if you need to.. or show your closest friends and loved ones..but join me..

What I LOVE about ME

I love that I want to change the world

I love that I am in love with love

I love that I create beauty

I love nature..and animals

I love my quick wit

I love my singing voice

I love that I am an excellent mother

I love that I love all children

I love my own cooking

I love my own artwork and writing

I love that I am loyal to all my friends and loved ones

I love my fighting spirit

I love that when I fall I get up right away..dust myself off and try again

When I was at the tender age of 5 my parents gave me a Ballerina Barbie doll for my birthday.. she had a golden crown.. and a pink dress.. I loved her. Soon after I had a very vivid dream, my dolly told me..as she danced around me .. that my family was my earth family, that they were not my soul family and I would loss them all. This was a prophetic dream as that is exactly what happened. When I was 13 my mother took her own life. When I was 16 I ran away from home to avoid my father’s abuse and neglect. I felt my reality shift from under me, it felt as if the ground it’s self had swallowed me whole. I had my first panic attach..I was 16, I woke up one morning in another new foster home and for a few seconds I couldn’t remember were I was.. my reality was shifting like the sands of time so swiftly that I had no baring… I had no foundation.

I experienced years of this shifting from place to place.. though out school and college I drifted.. never really having a solid foundation.. always loss present.. always losing friends and situations.. I was the wanderer .. I was on the Hero’s Journey.. when I met and married my husband I thought my days of intense loss were over.. I thought the grief was behind me and for a time it was.. we had 2 little girls. We started a business together, bought a home and renovated it..but then death came a knocking.. I miscarried again and again.. the worst one I was half way through a pregnancy when the prophetic dream came to me.. I dreamed of loosing my little boy.. and a week later the cramps started..and in the ultra sound at the hospital he was still. I gave birth to my dead baby… and as I did that day, my marriage began to erode and I felt him drifting from me as he resented me for bring so much death into his life.. I felt the sand under my feet shift slowly as it represented my marriage decaying and dying a slow painful death.. I sat with death at this time.. the death of my baby and the dying of my marriage.. yet still we conceived our son..but as I entered into the third trimester of my pregnancy he was having an affair with an employee of ours.. In spite of this I managed to give birth to a healthy baby boy.. and with that I saw life and death together as one.. the cycle of evolution..

Then more death… another prophetic dream of my sister’s impending death..yes even more as my sister became ill, as my marriage was dying and with this my own health took a tumble from the stress of it all.. my sister passed on ..but she evolved my soul as she showed me how to die with bravery and dignity. And with that my husband left me… My world and my reality totally empty.. the abyss so deep and dark .. I was in a grave.. all had decomposed around me..and yet I had to hold on through the darkness, the pitch black darkness for the sake of my children..to hang onto my will to live that tried to seep away from me ..as the wounds..the emotional wounds were bleeding me out.. yet I clung.

I sat in the lap of death.. me and the Grim Reaper, became good friends.. I sat with sorrow, I sat with hopelessness .. in the middle of the dark cold, lonely nights they took me over and they taught me wisdom.. They taught me that nothing and no one in this world defines me.. there is no thing that controls me.. no one controls me but me.. they taught me about the weaving of life.. the seen and the unseen forces of life and death connecting all things.. they invited me to stay for awhile in the darkness.. to stay and find and mine the treasures of the soul and the spirit..and it was in this barren God forsaken place I was tempered.. I was crushed.. I was broken.. I was tested.. It was here I found my spark and my passion as I turned on my soul..as I rose out of the darkness by the will of my spirit..by the will of the PASSION to live on..to thrive..to do more than survive..but burn..to ignite to roar and rip out of the darkness using it as my very fuel to propel me forward and up and out..

I learned to live on my own.. I expressed my pain and wisdom in my art and writing.. I strengthened my body to match my soul..

This is not just my journey .. it is yours too.. I can promise you through experience.. if you hold strong and if you sit with your emotions and honor you losses .. you will overcome and thrive.. I promise

DISCLAIMER: The content of this blog is not intended to create libel, defame or cause harm to anyone, thing or organization the writer has written about. This blog is solely the opinion and thoughts of the writer. The writer intends no harm to the subjects as these are the interpretations of the facts as seen by the writer; but they are not absolute.