Legit (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Loveline

[Dramatic music playing] [Water running] Oh, man. Woman: Hello! [Beep] Who are you? Who are you? I've lost everything. You haven't lost me. - Don't move! - Aah! [Cellphone rings] Ah, shit! [Beep] Jim's mom: Hello? Jim? Jimmy? N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! Shit! Shit! Oh, wow. This is gonna kill Jim. [Door opens] [Remote beeps] Dude, push "Play." I want to see the end. - He's coming. - So? Ah, phone's stuffed. Having a wank in the shower. Bloody mom calls. - I drop it in the toilet. - Ah, mothers ruining masturbation since the dawn of time. Try it without using porn. What? And use my imagination? What are you watching? "Red Moon Over Odessa." I can't believe you're watching the movie I was fired from! And it's really good, Jim. It's awesome. How'd you even get this? This is still in the cinema. Look, Jim, just 'cause you tried to rape your co-star and got fired doesn't mean that we should be deprived of entertainment. I never raped that girl. All I did was make a joke about raping that girl after she implied that I was gonna rape her, then I made it look like I was raping her. But I never raped that girl! Enjoy your stupid little movie. It's not stupid, Jim. It's brilliant. Yeah? Well, I'm going to "Loveline," and you two aren't invited anymore. That's right invitation revoked. - Oh, no. - Oh, bummer. Okay, let's recap. Peggy dumps Jim, Jim loses a major movie role, then Jim drops his phone in the toilet while trying to jerk off. 'Cause his mom called. Jimmy's on a bad-luck run, yo. That is a bad-luck run. You know what I'm gonna do right now is I'm gonna walk to my car. Right? Then I'm gonna drive my car to "Loveline," where you're both not going. I'm gonna do it through the power in my legs, Billy. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. I'm walking, you spacker. - Don't worry, Jim! - [Door closes] Award-winning movie roles come along every day! You're on fire, my little spacker. Push "Play." [Remote beeps] [Gunshots] - Oh! [Laughing] - Oh, no. All right, next call here on "Loveline" is Mikey from Seattle. Mikey, hello. Mikey: Hi. Look, yeah. I have this, like, weird growth thing on my dick. [Laughter] Hey, Mikey uh, Mikey, you're on the radio, my friend. Let's use proper medical terminology "penis." You've got the HPV virus. It's very common. have this condition. Uh, listen, Mikey, I don't know about Jim's numbers. Pretty accurate. You got to see a doctor. You got to get that HPV vaccine. You've got to wear a condom, my friend, all right? Yeah, use a condom when you're not drunk. Who uses them when they're drunk? Even when you're drunk. Which is weird because that's when you have sex with the sluttier girls that you probably should use them. Even when you're drunk. Right, you know, but you're drunk, though. We actually have to take a break. Don't go anywhere. This is "Loveline." Man: Critics agree "Red Moon Over Odessa" is this year's masterpiece. Hey, you guys heard about all the buzz on this film? I guess the guy who was cast in the lead is gonna be in the next "Star Wars." Well, who'd want that role? "Star Wars"? Well, they ruined Ewan McGregor, the last few. Those weren't good movies. You wouldn't want that. I heard that the actress in this film was, uh, like, nearly raped by some douchebag - another actor, yeah. - What?! And then she used that experience to take herself to an emotional place that she'd never been before. Nearly. Nearly raped. Didn't actually rape her, did he? So probably helped her acting, so she should probably thank him. Dude, that is dark, even for you. Catherwood: Welcome back to "Loveline." Jim Jefferies, what do you have coming up soon that we can plug? Nothing at the moment, but, you know nothing at the moment. Okay. Uh, our next caller here on "Loveline" is Patty. Patty in Seattle, hello. - Patty: Hi, Dr. Drew. Am I on the radio? - Yeah. So, I was dating this guy. His name was Tim. He would constantly masturbate like, all of the time. Like, he was really, really into porn, and, like, he would masturbate before sex constantly. Uh, may maybe he was a gentleman, and he was trying to last longer for you, for your pleasure. On an airplane, like, in the bathroom. Airplanes? Long-haul flights you got to break them up. Oh, and he would constantly ask for threesomes. Can't hate a guy for asking. Patty, do you have a question? I'm thinking about calling him. [Laughs] Dr. Drew: Oh, no, no, Patty. No, no, no, no. Come on. Listen, this guy sounds like a dick. - Penis. A penis. - Medical term. - Tim sounds like a penis. - Yeah. Not only that, but he has a lot of the hallmarks of sexual addiction. Aw, come on. That's not even really a thing, is it? Jim, yeah, it is a real thing. It's different than a healthy sex drive people that really cannot manage their sexual desires. But everyone enjoys sex, so, by definition, everyone's obsessed with it, so, by definition, we're all sex addicts. Patty, this guy's not gonna be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anybody until he gets some help. He was proud of it. Like, there was the glory hole in Frankfurt, the threesome in Lincoln, Nebraska, like, multiple prostitutes. Oh! Oh! A transvestite in South Africa. Catherwood: Whoa! Whoa, Africa. Patty, come on. Hey, uh, Africa's a no-no, absolutely. Even south. And, Patty, you were actually having sex with this guy? Can can we move on now? And he cheated on me with this woman, and you know what he did? He stuffed her, like, alive into a suitcase and then drove her around in the trunk of his stupid orange penis car. That car's a classic! Right?! The transvestite was in Thailand! It's me, Jim. It's Peggy. Oh, really?! Peggy! Oh! Catherwood: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You know Jim? Yeah, Peggy's my ex-girlfriend. [Laughing] Oh-ho-ho-ho! Yes! This is you she's talking about? What are you doing, Peggy? Yeah, I just called so that you would know that touring the country and bedding random women is a sad and pathetic way to live. Then why do I remember smiling so much and all my friends high-fiving me? Screw you, Jim. You know what? Never call me again. You called me - in public! - You're a dick! Penis! Radio term. Do you have to stand up to use a glory hole? It really depends which side of the hole you're on. You sure you want to do this? You really want to go here? Sure. - You sure? - Yeah. Catherwood: Should we give him the test? All right, Jim, let's do a quiz here. [Chuckles] All right? This is really gonna help us determine whether you have sexual addiction. - Yeah. - All right. Do you need greater variety, increased frequency, or more extreme sexual activities to achieve the same level of excitement or pleasure? - Yes. - Yes. Yes. Yes. When was the last time you masturbated? [Laughs] - Like an hour ago. - An hour ago. - Just before I came to this show. - [Laughs] Does pornography occupy large amounts of your time? - Yes. - Definitely. Jim: We've been over this. I have a lot of free time. - He has nothing going on. - Comedian. Does each new relationship have the same destructive pattern as the last? Well, yes. I'm single. So, yes, none of them have worked out. So there's can I have Here we go. Uh, yes Yes Yes. - "No" to 8. - Oh, animals are safe. Then "yes" to 9. I'm starting to feel a little bad for him. I think you need to think about going to a sex addicts anonymous meeting. I just don't know if that's for me, really. Well, listen, I'm gonna write down the address of a great meeting. The guy that runs it is terrific. - Everyone loves him. - All right. So, you sure I've got a problem? - Jim. - Yeah? - Go or don't go. - Mm-hmm. But do me this one favor see how long you can go without looking at porn. - Okay. Well - Okay. I haven't not since I dropped my phone. - Think about it. - All right. Steve: If there is such a thing as sex addiction, you got it for sure, dude. Don't worry about my addictions. Worry about your own bloody addictions. Hey, I'm going through some stuff here. Georgia just took Emily off to Cincinnati with "Todd the knob." I got to self-medicate. "Todd" and "knob" don't rhyme. It's close enough. "Self-medicating." What came first the chicken or the egg? Yeah, I might be an alcoholic, but so are you. I think we're talking about sex addiction, not alcoholism. - Completely different meaning. - Well, you're definitely a sex addict. - Nathan, come here. - Steve: Yeah, there's no way you're gonna be able to give up porn. - Clerk: I'm sorry. - Jim: I will. No way! You love porn! Can we please stop talking about porn? You know when we talk about it, I want to do something, and I can't, unless one of you guys wants to jerk me off every night. I've already done it. It's not that bad. I wouldn't do it again, though. - Clerk: I am so sorry. - You guys get to be addicted to stuff. I don't. Like, say I wanted to be super-addicted to crank. I'd tie off your arm. Then I'd shoot you so full of crank that your skinny, little, frail, weak heart would literally explode. - That's nice. - Woman: Nathan, come on. - Mommy, what's crank? - [Sighs] You're meant to smoke it. You don't have to sh I'm sorry about them. Hiya. - I need a new phone. - What happened to this one? - Uh - Tell her, Jim. I dropped that in the toilet. How did you do that? I, um I'm a disabled carer. I take care of him And him. It's not the easiest of jobs, though. I was carrying him over to the toilet. It fell out of my pocket, through his little legs. [Imitates splashing] In the water, phone broke. Put that down, will you? Ow! Why? Do I have insurance on that that phone? [Keyboard clacking] No. Aw. 'Cause I need it to call their doctors. [Groans] But let me see what I can do. [Keyboard clacking] Great job, Billy playing the cripple card. Great parking, free phone. How do I block porn on this? Let's stop talking about porn. I've had a hard-on all day. From now on, just using my imagination. You're never gonna be able to do this. I can still jerk off. Just can't use porn. Yeah, good luck. Jim: Okay, imagination. All right, there's a girl with big tits kneeling down. Five guys walk in different nationalities. Yeah, what are you gonna do with all those cocks? Oh, you're gonna cry. [Scoffs] [Sighs] [Breathing deeply] - [Woman moaning] - [Steve moaning] [Groaning loudly] Okay. "Baby Sitters." [Girl moaning] A normal-sized penis just wouldn't do it for me. I crave huge ones. Bigger, the better. I'm like a gutter rat. And I am trying not to cheat, but I love big dicks. Always will. Thank you, Tess. That's lovely. Good. [Applause] Yes, Fred. You'd like to share? Yeah. Uh, I'm Fred. All: Hi, Fred! Uh, my wife doesn't, uh, trust me. - Jim: Jenny. - I've I've let her down So many times. Jim Jefferies. Shh. Babysitters, secretaries Her sister. I'm desperate to keep my family and so grateful for these meetings. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I love my wife. Dave: Thank you, Fred. [Applause] Someone else? Yes, Jenny. Uh, hi, everyone. I'm Jenny. - All: Hi, Jenny! - Jim: Hey L.A. And I'm a sex addict. I think at my worst, I'd get drunk and sleep with anyone. And I mean anyone. - I was ruining my life. - It was me. I mean, I think my worst moment was when I ended up in the trunk of a guy's car in a suitcase. I'm actually really not comfortable talking about this today, so, um, that's all I'm gonna share for now. - Dave: Thank you, Jenny. - [Applause] I see we have a new member of our group here tonight. Um I was wondering if you'd like to share. - Yeah, I - It's not required. No. This is this is why I'm here. Um Hi. I'm Jim. - All: Hi, Jim. - Hey, Jim. Jim: The reason I'm here I find it hard to connect with people on an emotional Level. Uh, the sex I'm good at. Uh, regular-sized penis, so no good for you, Tess, with your big cocks and Oh! I was the guy who put Jenny in the trunk. Dave: Uh, Jim, we are anonymous. What? I'm not meant to say the name of the Uh, there was this one girl Katie Knox. - I was in love. - Woman: Aww! She was 16. [All groan] Her father hated me. He didn't want this guy climbing through his daughter's windows late at night, did he? I have missed bits of that story out. Ah! I was also 16. Important to that whole timeline there. I was 16. She was 16. Everything else in the story is correct. Father still hated me. And that's me. [Claps] [Light applause] I've fought this, you know, hard, tooth and nail, but she she keeps getting older, and so I have these fantasies about having sex with her just crazy sex. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not going to do it. Would never never do it. Even though - She's my daughter - Whoo! Whoa! Oh! Uh, uh, we don't judge. We really should. This guy deserves a bit of judging. You, sir we better judge you as a group. Otherwise, a judge and jury will actually judge you. Maybe I'll judge up your ass! - Man: Gary! Gary! - Dave: Serenity! [Indistinct shouting] [Sighs] Hey. - Jim. - Hey. I wanted to thank you. Thank me? What? For cutting off that guy that wanted to have sex with his kid? That's okay. He was disgusting. No. Because you were my bottom. - Really? I - Seriously. I I don't think I would have realized what a bad path I was on until it was too late. Uh you're welcome. Oh, just Ah. Okay. Thank you. - [Smooches] - Yeah. Want to make out? - Oh. Oh, no. - 'Cause we're sex addicts. [Laughs] Um Look, I don't know if you need these meetings or not, but honestly, they really changed my life. - All right. - Okay. - We'll see you back there. - See you back there. All right, you listen to me, you drunken loser. Oh, okay. You best grow up and get that bald head out of your fat ass, or I will have you back in court faster than you can say "12-pack of schlitz malt liquor." All right! 12 dicks of dick-face licker! [Keyboard clacks] [Laughs] What a bitch. Ah, I miss my kid, man. Yeah, I can't believe something so sweet came out of something so nasty. Hey, Jim! How was your sex-addicts class? Not a class. They're not teaching me to be a sex addict. - Any hot girls there? - Uh - Jenny was there. - Both: "Hey L.A."? Yeah. She said I was her rock bottom. Aww. That's nice. So, you working it out? Are you cured? You don't get cured. It turns out it's a process that I'm going through that's affecting me in a deep way. I'm not gonna enjoy wanking anymore. You're still gonna do it, though, right? Yes, I'm still gonna do it. But I'm gonna feel more ashamed. I could use a wank right now. Billy, get over here. Watch me play quarters. Sure, man. Anything to sleep. we get high in back seats of cars we break into mobile homes Oh, that was close. Oh-ho! Whoo! never wake up on our own Don't eat that quarter. - * that's the way we get by * - Ready for this? Oh! Whoo! [Laughs] oh, that's the way we get by the way we get by we go out in stormy weather we rarely practice discern [cheers and applause] Jim: Drew, I I need your help. It's Dr. Drew. Who's this? It's it's Jim Jefferies. Oh, hey, Jim. What's up? I went to the meeting. There's a guy there that wants to have sex with his kid. I'm nowhere near as bad as that guy, am I? And the silly thing is now All it's making me do is think about my behavior, and I don't I don't really like it. Well, if if S.A.A. is not your thing, I'll get you to a good therapist. And, in any event, I think you're starting to get depressed. Depression? Sad? I want you to commit to this process, stay open, honest, and see where it takes you. No, you're right. I was watching "Dr. Phil" the other day. He said a very similar thing. You get your advice from Dr. Phil? Why don't you just get your advice from rachael ray, Jim, and be done with it? All right, I I I am with my wife at the movies. I got to go. What movie are you seeing? Uh, we just saw "Red Moon Over Odessa." It was really, really good. that's the way we get by the way we get by Steve: Oh! We got whippits! that's the way we get by that's the way we get by Jim: I want what everyone wants. I want to meet a nice girl, fall in love, get married. You know, I want the fairy tale. I've been out with so many sluts that I I don't think I can go out with nice girls anymore. The sluts have ruined me in a way. The the nice girls are nice people, but they haven't had horrible childhoods that has made them good in bed. Like, a nice girl will have a cock in her ass, and she'll be thinking to herself, "ah, this isn't so bad. I hope he's enjoying his birthday." But when a slut's got a cock in her ass, she's thinking, "you know what would be good?" Two cocks in my ass." - Yeah. - And, for me, fundamentally, that's the difference, - isn't it? So - That's true. - Thank you for letting me share. - Two cocks. There's a kernel of truth amongst your jokes there, Jim. - Uh, thank you for sharing. - It's also uh, sluts don't really suck your cock. She's doing it - for her benefit - Dave: Jim - Not yours. - Jim. Thank you for sharing. All right, we're coming to the end of the meeting. If you don't mind, I'd like to share a little bit. Uh, as you guys know, I'm Dave. I'm a sex addict. All: Hi, Dave. Used to be a big-time show-business manager. I handled all the greats. But then, because of the way I lived my life, I lost it all. And you all came here for a reason. You know that, deep down inside, that if you don't get your shit together, you're gonna end up an old sad, lonely, broken, fat, drunk man laying facedown in the gutter with nothing. And you know why. It's because you trashed all your relationships and you hurt people. You hurt people that care about you because you put your addiction and yourself first. If you don't work on that, then one day, you're gonna end up all by yourself with that person that you've become. And that, my friend, is no picnic. Who feels like hot wings? Let's say the prayer and get some hot wings. What do you say? Yeah? Cool. [Applause] Jim: Hey, uh I've got someone I want you to meet. Billy: [Muffled] Uh, hi. This is Billy. Jim? Hey, Billy. - Billy, this is Tess. - Hi, Tess. Tess is in my sex addicts anonymous course. Wait. Him? - What is going on? - Jim, what are you doing? Trust me. Go with it, all right? Jim! [Gasps] I will always come back to you Hello, Billy. You've been doing great, Tess. You deserve this. And I feel like Billy really needs this. So Enjoy. Good night, you two. - Good night. - Good night, Jim. Hi, Billy. call you in the daytime, can't fess up to you 'cause I hope we will never have to take back what we said in the night I hope that I will always have all eyes on you know that I will take what I can when you are there standing by soft-spoken in the dead of night all eyes on you [crashing] Steve? Steve. [Steve urinating] I'll never take back the words that I said then I always knew I'd come back to you even in the meantime, I will always stand by a mirror on the shelf Oh, God. Tess: Billy! Ohhhhh! [Both laugh] Ooh-ooh-ooh! - You're a dirty little cripple. - Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, my God. Tess. I don't think they're gonna let me back in that church basement. [Laughs] Tess: Ohh! Ooh, hello! Good night, Steve. - Steve: Good night, mom. - [Tess and Billy laugh] - Billy: Thanks again, Jim! - Tess: Oh, my ohhhh!