Relationship Theories…

Below is an excerpt from the book, In Search of Bill Clinton; A Psychological Biography, by John D. Gartner. Bill Clinton’s life, his choices and behavior, with regard to his complex relationships, happens to make for a wonderful case study. Not always a fan of his, I found myself understanding and liking him much more when I was able to see the whole man – his inner workings and the unconscious needs that drive him. It’s fascinating.

I have yet to meet the person that the theory of, “repetition compulsion” does not apply to. I think it’s the reason so many first marriages fail. -Grippy

“One of Freud’s most enduring insights was his discovery of the “repetition compulsion.” Put simply, there is a powerful unconscious drive to re-create in one’s adult relationships the relationships you experienced as a child. There is no single idea that I have found to be more useful or universal with regard to the study of relationships. Time and again, the origins of the most inexplicable, destructive relational patterns can be found there. It is as if, when we are born, our minds are like wet plaster, and the structure of the relationships we encounter forms an impression that hardens into a mold. We’re just not sexually attracted to potential romantic partners who don’t fit our mold. What feels right to us, powerfully and compellingly so, are the comfortable and familiar relational patterns of the past. We re-create our childhood paradigm using three basic techniques:

We pick partners who are inclined to play their assigned roles; we provoke them to behave in these familiar old ways; and finally, we project our past family figures onto them, distorting our perceptions to convince ourselves that they are behaving like figures from our childhood even when they are not. And, amazingly, we engineer all of this outside our own awareness.

Paradoxically, it is the traumatic relationship patterns from the past that we are most compulsively driven to repeat. The theory has it that re-creating the traumatic situation allows us to feel a sense of mastery over it. It’s not being done to us. We’re doing it, which allows us to feel more in control. The irony is that when we are unconsciously driven to repeat destructive patterns, we are out of control by most objective standards.”

Thanks, Dawn. I think it cuts a little close to the bone for all of us who dare to look. I’m the kind of person that needs to know, WHY? If I can get a handle on things, I can deal more effectively with ‘stuff’ when I see it. There’s something about Clinton that’s very likable. I wanted to understand why this man with so much going for him could make such idiotic self destructive emotional choices. Now I know.

Grippy, you’ve done an outstanding job with this subject and I so agree with this. Isn’t it also that we tend to pick mates that are one of our parents (or perhaps a combination of both) — even if those “traits” aren’t exactly good for us? There is so much involved with the nurture aspects — why we do the things we do — from picking a mate to handling stress. I do believe that we tend to repeat the mistakes until they know longer serve us. I learned some of that from studying these concepts and from therapy…and there’s also the theory that the teacher will keep showing up (in all kinds of roles — to romantic partners, bosses, friends, etc.) until the lesson is learned?

Sorry didn’t mean to ramble but I love this kind of stuff — human and societal behavior — it fascinated me. And despite what Bill did, I really like him. I think he is a kind and decent man and that he, like many leaders, go into leading our country with the intention of making things better. Then they have to deal with what they have to deal with. I admire anyone who devotes their life to public service. He is also a man of deep faith from what I understand. He and Hilary often had counsel with Billy Graham. Don’t know if that’s true but we (society) are quick to believe the bad about people. I like to believe the good as well.

Thanks, Brig. Yes, he’s a man of very deep faith. The author stated that as a little boy he would walk by himself, 5 miles to church with his bible under his arm. Aww.. That tells me a lot about his spirit. His relationship with his mother and grandmother is what I find so interesting. Hillary plays the role of his grandmother; steady, structured, stern, serious — and the women he has cheated on her with, represent his mother; wild, crazy, naughty, rebellious, risk takers, etc. It’s fascinating. Then there’s the whole angle with his step-father.
But yes, repetition compulsion drives us to unconsciously pick people/partners that are familiar to us – usually the parent that we have unfinished work/issues with. My father was emotionally unavailable to me when I was a child so I ended up married to a man that would also be emotionally unavailable. The thing is, I knew I didn’t want anyone like my father and thought I had chosen somebody very different – then lo and behold, a few years into the marriage and it became clear that my unconscious had drawn me to a different man but with the same characteristic. So even when you’re savvy, like I am haha!, you can still be pulled subconsciously. Amazing, right? We’ve been married 27 years and it hasn’t been easy. At least I see and understand all the complexities, now. LOL!
Until a person brings things up to a conscious level they’ll be destined to keep repeating the patterns, like you said, in the work place, friends, etc. I think it’s incredibly fascinating but it’s heavy and complicated, so a lot of people don’t bother exploring it. I’m glad we share a love of this stuff, Brig. tee hee

Truth. Relationships are weird. It’s kind of sad when people want to break the mold, but the patterns just keep repeating. Hopefully everything turns out alright for me and Paolo. Haha
Good post! Very informative and important.

You chose wisely but of course there are pieces of Paul that feel a little bit like dad and a little bit me. And for that I say, sars. hahah!
You’re way smart and savvy when it comes to this stuff. Together I think we’ve broken old crappy family patterns and chains. Agree?

I’ve never been a fan of Freud and don’t agree with most of his theories, but this one really does seem to be right on the money. For Clinton and the rest of us. Breaking away from those patterns that we learned so early is so, so, difficult.

I’m with you. I’ve never been a fan of Freud but this theory is undeniably true. It’s amazing when you look at a man like Clinton and contrast how brilliant and accomplished he is with how jack-assy he is in his personal life. Whoa! I found this book so unbelievably revealing. By the end of it, I was able to see Clinton, the man, separate from his idiotic behavior (lying and cheating) – and I ended up really caring about him. Go figure.
Yeah, none of us are immune. The struggle/inability to conquer these old patterns is universal.

Wow! I’ve heard about this before. It’s scary. This was a good read. It’s making me think again.

This beauty, an artist, came into the gallery where I work. Of course he’s too young, 27 years old. Actually I was a bit jealous because he’s so worldly at that age, having exhibited in Switzerland, different parts of Europe. If I were his age he would leave me in the dust. We chatted for a bit — on a range of things — the chap was quite mature, sophisticated in his thoughts. I thought of my attraction to him. Daddy. No doubt. He reminds me of one of my loves from the eighties who also had very clear daddy elements.

I’d like to break some of these patterns. I guess therapy helps with that.

P.S. Clinton came to the church where I worked. I was in the receiving line with some women journalists. When he walked by the charismatic energy was so palpable — I swear — it was like a wave that hit us and we all swooned.

I can totally see that about Clinton. He has unbelievable charismatic energy. In the book it said that he only requires like two to three hours of sleep. Can you imagine? According to the author, Clinton has a “hypomanic temperament — a mildly manic personality that imbues some people with the raw ingredients it takes to be a charismatic leader; immense energy, drive, confidence, visionary creativity, infectious enthusiasm and a sense of personal destiny. They also have problems with impulse control in the area of sex. (Looks like he won a bit of a genetic lottery! haha!)

Yeah, it is scary when you can clearly see that you’re being drawn to someone for reasons that elude you. It’s like a puzzle. It took me MANY years to figure out my own puzzle. Therapy is good for bringing stuff up from the unconscious basement of your soul into the well lit living room of your current life. Once you can see it and label it, it’s not so difficult or scary anymore.

Really interesting post and comments too! I knew intuitively about this idea that we behave in this unconscious way in regards to relationships – I can see it everywhere, especially in my own life. I had never read up on any theories about it, so that was interesting. I can see my own partner of 12 years has lots in common with both my stepfather and grandfather – and although I have had a less than peaceful relationship both with my step father and my partner, I can see how it has given me many opportunities to heal my relationship with my father, stepfather and men in general. As well as living more consciously and being aware of how I do project my expectations of how men should behave onto my partner, which I formulated in my childhood. So! Though provoking post there, I like it!

Thanks, Sara. You’ve got it exactly right. I had a client once who was having marital difficulty, actually she was separated and headed for a divorce. My client could only see her husband as her jerky father and actually went out of her way to trip her husband up so that he would get angry and respond like her father. Obviously she did this sub-consciously. She couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that she was actually projecting all of her father’s stuff, unfairly onto her husband. He was like an emotional punching bag for her in some ways. Their marriage was doomed from the get go. She had so much anger at her father that needed to be addressed. Even when it was so obvious to me and I would point it out she refused to see it.

We have negative messages from our youth that we carry around with us and when somebody treats us in a way that keeps to the old message we end up being attracted to them. Sort of along the lines, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” It takes a lot of emotional work to figure out what faulty message was given to us as children, to conclude that it’s false and then to replace it with a healthy loving sense of self. Unfortunately, by the time we get a handle on all this and figure it out we’re already married! haha! That’s when you realize that you have a choice to stay in it and work on it or get out and look for someone healthier.

ha! so true. I had no clue about how unconscious I was in my relationships with others when I met my partner at 24, or what i was getting myself into! Still, I have this thought that there is much work to do in every relationship, and I may as well dedicate that work to this relationship that I have dedicated so much time to, and have two children in.

I have the exact same situation and feeling. I got married at 23 and had two children – fast forward and everything has become much clearer to me. You’re right. There is no perfect relationship so why not dig deep and do the work that needs to be done. That’s the same conclusion that I came to, although I will say, occasionally I let my mind wander and wonder about the what ifs. LOL! At least we’ve kept our sense of humor!

am so glad to have come across this post 🙂 “repetition compulsion” is a new principle to me and sounds very interesting indeed. Since it originates of Freud’s mind, I’m gonna be skeptical and begin by looking out for real life examples of it in my surroundings.
Thanks for bringing forth a great concept!

I’m glad it interests you, Raunak. If you’re an analytical type of person you should be able to detect the threads that tie people together in their relationships. As a therapist I’ve always found it useful to look at the parents of my clients, how they cope with stress, how they behave, how they are genetically wired, etc.

An obvious example might be someone who had a parent that was an alcoholic. Perhaps that parent was needy, or unpredictable, or overbearing, etc. The child of that parent might look for a partner (sub-consciously) with those tendencies. They might consciously think, I’m not going to marry someone like my parent but then later find out that their spouse has one or more of those unpleasant traits. Not alcoholic, but personality/behaviors that match up. It’s fascinating.

Thanks for sharing that insight 🙂 The example really puts it all in perspective. Gonna report to you,any findings I observe.

And I love analytical thinking. My blog started as an attempt to write down an initial train of thought I had regarding the subject “Happiness”. I wanted to break it down to smaller parts and fins a contributing factor to each part. That’s what got my blog going and now has expanded into other topics.

I “found” you through Stephen’s nomination for the REALITY blog award, and what can i say, I am a huge fan. This post is so true, I doubt I could find one person who doesn’t relate to it. You truly are deserving of the award and I look forward to reading more. Keep on going.

Oh my goodness, Callmecrazy! You’re too kind! Thank you for that sweet comment. Stephen is without a doubt, the most thoughtful person I’ve ever encountered. I can’t say enough wonderful things about him. So the feelings are mutual.
This is a great topic and I agree, it’s universally true. I’m just a perpetual student in this crazy life of ours. When I find something that rings true I like to share it. But be forewarned, yes this is a disclaimer, my posts are hit and miss! Mostly miss. Haha! (I need to lower your expectations so I don’t stress out. LOL!!)
Thanks for coming by!!
Lisa

Lisa-
I am completely amazed with you right now. And that is all i am going to say because well, i can’t. My mind is on overload–
“Therapy is good for bringing stuff up from the unconscious basement of your soul into the well lit living room of your current life. Once you can see it and label it, it’s not so difficult or scary anymore.”
I quietly say wow…

Oh Audra, you don’t know how close I came to deleting that, thinking it was way corny but then I thought, eh, I’ll just leave it. Haha! I’m glad it resonated with you. You’re a good friend. Glad you’re back, safe and sound, with all of that behind you.
Wow, yourself. 🙂

Far, far, far too close for comfort here. Perhaps after a bit of thought and breathing into a paper bag I’ll return and post something that makes sense, for now, however, I’m too overwhelmed by what was, what continues, what I fear and why I fear it happening.

I think the whole past is why I remain alone and hidden–better that than taking a chance and once again stepping into the Pit O’Familiarity. I respect and admire your ability to continue to deal with the past in your present–I am not that strong.

Hell, I respect and admire you, period. Who knew? (I mean that completely in a non weird way. I mean, I think you’re great, and, I’d still laugh with you and will continue to laugh at your adventures and I’m making this worse.)

Ugh. Sounds like the unconscious stuff is still messy and painful. On a good day, when you’re feeling strong, maybe you can look at little pieces of it and bring it up to a more conscious level where you can see it for what it really is. Everything remains scary and produces anxiety as long as it’s buried in a deep dark place. Shine the light on it and you’ll feel better. I promise. I know, it’s so hard. I get it.
The bottom line is you’re this great person and you always have been. Start loving yourself, fully, and things will get sorted. You deserve to be loved and adored by someone who knows the real Addie. That much, I know. Don’t be afraid to be you and don’t give up on that dream.
Lisa
Xoxo

I’m in avoidance mode right now, and, although I know it’s not healthy, it’s where I am and where I find safety. I do go back to the same ‘rut’ in the very, very few relationships I’ve had, with the same results. Doormat=me.

I hear you. Safety is good and if avoidance takes care of that for now then that’s where you are. When the time is right I would A. look at childhood message of Addie=doormat and recognize that it’s false and always has been. (That was somebody else’s issue and has nothing to do with you. B. Look for ways that you try to re-create that message C. Replace crappy, false message with truthful message which is, Addie is lovable, beautiful, good, has great value/worth, etc. D. Surround yourself with people who reinforce that message E. get rid of all toxic people F. Love your authentic self fully and be happy. That’s my wish for you — that you arrive at that insight, that quiet loving understanding. xoxo

What’s interesting to consider is that yes we pick these people to play the assigned roles, provoke to behave in familiar ways and project our past family members on them….but it’s happening in the other direction too, right? Who in Hilary’s life does Bill Clinton represent (and I’m a Clinton fan as well)?
The choosing a partner, in the way most people talk about it, seems so one-sided – but it’s happening on both ends and it’s interesting that to think about the fact that we meet people that fulfill our mental needs and we also fulfill theirs. For example – my parents are divorced (when I was in my early 20s) and my husband’s parents are still married (happily)….so what does that mean? Would it imply that I’m the one that would push for divorce b/c it’s a pattern from my past? I don’t know the answer to that, by the way, because we’re not getting divorced and we’ve never separated in the 20+ years we’ve been together. But I find this whole thing compelling and interesting.

Yes, it goes both ways. Which ever parent you had unfinished business/issues with or the parent that had traits that you found challenging (it can be both parents, too), those traits or issues likely will show up in your husband. For example, let’s say your father wasn’t a good listener and you felt diminished at times… Well, it might be that you find this same trait in your husband. That kind of thing…

It’s also possible for a spouse to try and make the other person into the parent they had problems with. They might create scenarios in order to get reactions that play out like their own parents. I’m a fairly healthy person and my husband had two very sick parents, one that was really scary. I’ve actually seen my husband go out of his way to anger me and then when I finally do show, even a little anger, he seems relieved. It’s like I’ve played my role, but my Gaa-wd, what he had to do to get me there! It’s all sub-conscious. He doesn’t know he’s doing it. But I do!!! So I point it out and bring it up, out of his sub-conscious where it keeps playing out. Once the repetition compulsion is exposed to the conscious, he can look at it and apply reason to it. (Hopefully. Haha!)
Even though your husband had two parents that appeared happy and stayed together doesn’t mean that one or both didn’t have some issues that he found challenging. Sometimes it’s very subtle and sometimes it’s so obvious. It takes an emotionally intuitive person to figure it out.

Red flags: When couples behave in ways that seem out of context for a situation or if their response becomes exaggerated, etc. it’s usually because they are repeating patterns from the past. When someone is subconsciously triggered by something that seems irrelevant or insignificant to the other person, it becomes apparent that repetition compulsion is at work.

I don’t think divorce is something that gets pushed because of past patterns, I think it’s just an inevitable outcome when this other stuff doesn’t get worked out and starts to erode the relationship.

I’ve got major divorce as far as the eye can see in my family. I’ve been married for 27 years although the erosion has been extensive and sometimes it feels like we’re just clinging to the wreckage. Luckily my husband and I like to laugh, otherwise it would have ended years ago. You never know what the future holds… from my perspective, life can turn on a dime.

yes – I can see your novella points! The saying “history repeats itself” seems to sum it up quite nicely! And I have said to my husband – you are acting like my father! And I definitely am more of my husband’s father in personality…excellent conversation – and now I’ve got to get a run in before the other people in my house wake up and keep me from it 🙂

I read this three times (I’ll do that when i really want to understand something fully) and this resonates with me on so many levels. Without laying on your couch and spilling all my history, I will say in choosing my ex-husband (well he was not my ex then) I absolutely see the connective thread to this theory. Wow, this has been an eye-opening weekend on many levels and I really enjoyed this post !!

Thanks, Lynne. I’m glad you could see it. It’s a little unsettling when you think that we are drawn sub-consciously to people/feelings that are familiar. It explains how a lot of people end up in difficult and painful relationships. I suppose it gives us an opportunity to resolve issues from our past but it usually comes at a pretty high price.

That’s probably the most disturbing thing I’ve read in a while.
So let me ask, if one deliberately tries to model a relationship as an “anti” of what they grew up with, are they just fooling themselves?
Or, is the pattern breakable?

I absolutely tried to find somebody who was the antithesis of my father. There was no way in hell I wanted to marry anyone remotely like him. I thought I found someone who was my anti-father. Fast forward — and it turns out that my husband has a tendency to be emotionally unavailable to me. He’s got all these other great qualities and we laugh and I love him but that one issue is like a thorn in my side. A wound that I carried and then found in another who would cause me to relive it again.

Imagine my delight and horror when I learned about repetition compulsion. haha! It makes total sense. No matter how hard we try to avoid the past, our sub-conscious will hone in on the person that carries the potential for helping us re-create old feelings/wounds from our childhood. We all have unfinished, unresolved business. If you’re emotionally intelligent, intuitive, and a little analytical, you’ll be able to feel the pattern repeat. (“Gee, my spouse is making me feel like I did when I was a kid” OR my spouse, boss, friend, etc. seems to always trigger these old feelings in me.”) We choose people that allow us to re-live and re-create these old familiar emotional patterns. Maybe it’s so we can finally resolve and conquer them and move on?

Yes, to your second question. Once you figure it out, and you bring it to a conscious level, you can get rid of it. It requires that you examine the original source of the feeling and dismiss the message as untrue and faulty. So for example, if your spouse makes you feel like you’re never good enough, then you might examine who in your childhood made you feel that same way. The glaring truth is that all kids are good enough! There was never anything wrong with any of us. We were just kids! So that message is faulty and is the ISSUE OF THE PARENT. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Once you can wrap your head around that, accept your self for who you REALLY are, your authentic self, you can start to look for people who reinforce the new message — I’ve always been good enough. If you’re already married then you can verbalize this feeling every time it comes up. Eventually your conscious will accept it and you’ll have broken the pattern.
Yikes! Sorry so l o n g!

Nothing in my own experience has ever given me any respect for Freud or his theories, which (sorry, most of the world) I regard mainly as poppycock. (Er, yes, I HAVE taken Psychology at university level.)
Funny, I can’t think offhand of anyone I have known to whom the ‘repetitive compulsion’ theory COULD apply – and that includes a number of those with broken marriages. The reasons were manifestly different. As for Clinton … I will say no more.
However, this is just one personal take on a very interesting post.

Thank you, Colonialist. I don’t think much of Freud’s theories, either. This one is different, however. I see it at work in the majority of couples that I counsel, as well as in my own personal life. My eyes have been open to it. Maybe it’s like when you buy a new car and then suddenly you see that make and model every where you go? I’ve studied family systems for many years and feel strongly that this theory rings true for most, if not all people.

Haha! Now I wonder who I’m married to and who’s married to me and vice versa! Seriously though Lisa this is fascinating and very informative. I really learned something here today. You really know your stuff and I think you should write a book on this! Seriously. 😀

As long as you’re happy with 37, then ignorance is bliss. haha! No need poking around, that’s for sure.
Thanks for the compliment, Linda. It’s something I enjoy and am truly drawn to. Sometimes it’s a bit heavy, though. I don’t think it’s for everyone.
BTW – I wonder how Al Gore’s marriage to Tipper would look under this theory? I think we know why they divorced, their Funyun supply ran low! LOL!

Ha ha Lisa! Oh I hope you’ll do a few more posts like you did today and analyzing the celebrity marriages. Ha! I can’t wait to read your take on Al and Tipper. (I think Funyuns might have come between them . . . but then I’m not trained in this area so I’m just guessing . . . )

Even more simply I find myself reliving good moments from other relationships. It feels too serial killerish so I try to avoid doing it. How many girls can I watch Modern Family with? Isn’t a big part of parenthood even reliving your own childhood through your kids sometimes?

I think reliving moments and sub-consciously re-creating feelings, might be slightly different. Yes, we can relive our own childhoods with our kids by, for example, making Christmas like it was when we grew up or having certain traditions, etc. But the other is more about trying to create a scenario with another person where you will feel familiar feelings again – usually traumatic or negative feelings. So if you felt abandoned by a parent or unloved you would be psychologically drawn to girls who will make you feel unlovable and who will eventually abandon you. That’s repetition compulsion. Our subconscious pulls us toward people who will help us recreate certain unresolved emotional issues that we have, from one or both of our parents.
Do you see the difference?