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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I cant believe that I am blogging right now when I have a to do list that is ever growing here at work. But since I'm not taking a lunch break today I feel a little justified to take 20 minutes out and share a little something.

I received a message from a good friend today. She's heading back to maternity leave and was asking for some solid-help-me-please advice. And oh… I can't even try to recount the exact same feeling. I can't even try because, well, it can still bring me to a tearful hard cry. Hard. Sobbing. Still- 9 months after I've had my little one, and 7 months after I myself experienced going back to work from maternity leave.

When she sent the message, I wanted to give her simple 3 step system to overcoming the separation anxiety that you have. But there isn't one. I vividly remember going into the office 1 week before I was to return to work to meet with the pastor… I smiled. I was kind. But he eventually looked at me in mid conversation and said "so how are you doing?"… and that was it. I was a goner. I ended up sitting in his office in my own humility sobbing, feeling a little silly at the same time. "It's not like I am giving up my baby, suck it up!" I kept whispering to myself. But talking to Megan- I know that I wasn't insane. Nor is she right now.

So in any case, she sent me the message- I could easily recall the anxiety, overwhelming sadness of leaving my son. As I was thinking about this- I happened to start looking through my blog. See, there are probably about 10 half finished entries sitting in the drafts box within my blog. Sometimes they look as though they are finished but for whatever reason they don't feel finished. So I found myself looking through my old drafts and was compelled to post the draft that I had started right before going back to work.

It's almost laughable that I had at one point considered heading back to work early. I honestly did. I figured I'd take a good 6 weeks and then be fine with heading back to work. I remember training the Maternity Leave replacement and telling her 6-8 weeks maximum. And here I sit- almost 9 weeks into a maternity leave and dreading next week. Dreading would be an understatement. Utter dreading. What's a stronger word? I can't even think. I'm crying right now. As I type.

It's not that I don't enjoy working. I enjoy it. I enjoy working with the three pastors that I work with. But at the risk of sounding archaic, I honestly feel that it's not natural mentally for a woman to want to leave her child for someone else to watch to work. I am jealous. I am SO jealous of other stay at home moms, and I'M even jealous of the few people who we have set up to watch MY baby.

But there's a reason that I'm taking time out to write this, and it isn't because I want to rant. I need to see that God is here. And I'm blessed. I need to see it. I know it, I can say it. But it's hard to see the blessing when you have this huge thing weighing on you mentally.

I am blessed because God has always ALWAYS provided. When Justin was laid off of work and we were living off a secretary's income, he provided. God has provided me with a job in the midst of the economy downfall and turmoil.

We are blessed to have a beautiful healthly baby boy.. Beautiful. Even when there was a point that we thought that we wouldn't have our own children.- God provided Avery.

We are blessed to live close enough to Justin's mother, who has given up her own time at work to offer herself to watch Avery. We are blessed.

We are blessed to have a house that stays warm and food.

God has always provided. Even in the dark valley moments of my own emotions. That is one thing that I can find hope in. God is with us. With Avery. I have to take myself out of the equation and give this over to Him. Because God knows that I can't can't can't do this.

Today I'm taking some extra time to hold my baby. To kiss him an extra thousand times. To inhale the smell of his hair, and to play with his little toes.