25 September 2009

You know how when people get really mad, they write really
vitriolic
letters, but throw them away instead of sending them? Directly after
playing Sonic Genesis for the first time (years ago), I typed something
like that, but never posted it anywhere. I've since calmed down, of
course, and feel that criticism should be constructive. If I'm to point
out its flaws, I might as well be helping
others to avoid them at the same time. But it's still mildly
entertaining, so I've recreated my original rant here.

Ah, Sega. Can you stoop any lower? After re-releasing
Sonic the Hedgehog 1 for every system imaginable (Saturn, Dreamcast,
Gamecube, Playstation, PC, Cellphone, Wii Virtual Console, etc), you
still feel as though you can continue to milk the poor game for yet
more cash. Especially since the new games aren’t selling very well….

Forget that you missed the 15th anniversary by seven months, forget
that we’ll have to pay $19.95 for the thing (I remember buying Mega
Collection for the same price and getting 12 games, plus a load of
nifty extras. Funny that), and forget that it’s going to be released
for five bucks on the Wii 2 days later. Sonic 1 is still the best 2D
action game ever made. Ever. It changed the industry, changed our
lives, and changed the world. It spawned a thousand rip-offs (Oscar,
Rocket Knight Adventures, Gex, Rocky Rodent, Aero the Acrobat, Crash
Bandicoot), and for a short time one couldn’t turn around without
bumping into an animal mascot over-brimming with ‘tude.

More importantly, the vast, unwieldy genius of one Yuji Naka would make
the game more unique still – never before had we seen such brilliant
programming, such tight physics, such fluid motion and control. In a
time when video characters were running at fixed speeds across flat
boxy ground, and jumping one block up and across no matter what their
inertia, Sonic was running over lush hills and around gravity-defying
loops, gaining momentum by rolling down hill, rebounding off of
objects, drifting through the air like a discus, and of course, running
at improbable speeds (all with realistic acceleration, friction,
gravity, and collision detection) and looking cool doing it. Very few,
indeed probably no, games at the time had pushing, tipping, waiting,
and halting animations. Certainly none had such style. Suddenly here
was a game where a cartoon character was soaring through fantastic,
vibrant worlds, and all to some of the catchiest music to ever be
written, for a video-game or otherwise. Never again would the populace
be satisfied by notched hockey pucks or monochrome spaceships. A new
era had begun.

A game so revolutionary, so infinitely groundbreaking and fun, must
surely still be all these things, even in today's era of Metroid Primes
and Windwakers. So why not release it one more time, on the world’s
coolest handheld system, where it can keep some of the other greatest
games of all time company? Where it can share the hallowed halls with
Minish Cap, Zero Mission, Superstar Saga, Chain of Memories, Empire of
Dreams, and its flashy brethren, the Sonic Advances. Where a whole new
generation of young, impressionable children can discover the joy that
is Sonic the Hedgehog….

Yeah, right. That’s assuming a single soul left working for Sega has
any brains. Sadly, they’ve all either left, or are still celebrating
National Opposite Month. “Sonic Genesis,” as they so maddeningly called
the game, will do none of these things. Instead, a thousand unsold
copies will linger in every retail outlet until somebody takes them out
with last year’s Christmas tree and buries them like the nuclear waste
that they are. And if they have any sense, they’ll shoot each one with
three rounds from a high-calibre weapon for good measure.

Why is Sonic Genesis so bad, you ask, if Sonic 1 is so darn good? How
can Sega, no matter how bad they are at making new Sonic games,
possibly fubar a freaking re-release?

Simple. They’re Sega – it’s what they live for. Corporate
restructuring, firing all their good talent, and methodically, no,
surgically removing every last good thing about Sonic the Hedgehog and
Phantasy Star. It’s their primary goal, just like Microsoft wants to
rule the world and Nintendo wants to embarrass you in public (not even
mentioning Sony’s fiendish plot to upset the world economy!)

I will now, just as methodically and surgically, list every single flaw
I’ve found in Sonic Genesis, every glaring oversight that screams
sloppiness, laziness and negligence. Read them and squirm. And may Sega
be struck by bolts of alpha-blended lightning for not fixing each and
every one of them. They deserve every scorch mark they get on their
sorry hides for, yet again, screwing their customers and leading a
whole new generation of children to believe that Sonic 1 must have
sucked. Those children will some day be the ones who run our
businesses, our television stations, the United Nations – and they’ll
think Sonic 1 sucked. Oh, Sega, you make me so mad!

And just to make
sure that we can never find it in our hearts to forgive them, they go
and do the unthinkable. They say, on the back of the packaging, “A
perfect port of the original that started it all!” You can be
crapulous, Sega, and I’ll forgive you. But when you are crapulous and
say you are not, clearly I can no longer give you the time of day.

If Sonic Genesis is a “perfect port,” I’m Sasquatch.

I'm not sure the back of the packaging really says what I
claimed it
did. I must have seen it in advertising for the game at the time and
got mixed up as to the source.