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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Dear Aunty Timi by Ejura Salihu

It has been twenty years since the last time I saw you and it was a
surprise to see you again today. However the surprise is not a pleasant
one, it is one filled with anger and pain at a memory half forgotten. I
remember feeling like you owed me something I could not ask for the day
you left.

You came to me and asked for a hug and a kiss and I relented.
Mummy rebuked me and I reluctantly obliged. I remember being angry with
mum for days for that. How could she not see her precious little sister
was defiling me? How could she not tell I was hurting? I did not
understand why I felt like I was betraying the family by being molested
by you. I felt naked, ashamed and angry.

Mummy always warned me against
allowing boys to touch my wooha but she never said anything about girls
or you so I was confused the first time you touched me and forced me to
lick your wooha. I cried and begged and hurt when you put your finger in
me but I couldn't tell mummy because I didn't know if you had a right
to, you told me you had a right to, you said I was just a little girl
and little girls obey orders. You lied, you betrayed me. You stayed for
only a month but that short holiday changed the course of my life
forever.

Immediately I laid eyes on your six year old pretty daughter,
all the semi-forgotten memories flooded in. I was exactly her age when
you first kissed me and taught me to pleasure you. She looks like me
too. I listened silently tonight as mum and dad make jokes about how she
can easily be mistaken as mine and unlike others in the room, I did not
laugh. I could not laugh. Each time I look at her, I feel a conflicting
mixture of hate and love, a thirst for revenge and a hope for a
peaceful childhood for her. You laughed too and looked at me 'lovingly'
before asking about my academics and how I was doing. I could not tell
if you felt guilty sitting beside me, if you even remember that holiday
at all and what you did to me. I can't tell if it is all forgotten to
you or if it just does not matter to you. You look happy and genuinely
glad to see me and I am angry again.

I thought I healed a long time ago
but alas, the scar has being ripped open again today and I have to start
my healing all over again. I still have not told mum nor dad and I
don't know if I will ever tell anyone in the family. It is your shame
not mine, your crime not mine. It was you who violated family and blood
not me. Why do I still feel so ashamed? Why did you steal my childhood,
aunty Timi? Why does it not hurt you too? I guess twenty years is a
long time truly, not for me though. You have changed a lot, so have I
but what you did has not changed. I still remember everyday.