Mr Joe Average I suppose. Until I discovered, Sex, drugs and rock ‘N’ roll. I couldn’t get much of the first two so I went with rock ‘N’ roll.

What is your all time favourite

a) Album?

R.E.M Automatic For The People. The first track, ‘Drive’ is mesmerising, and the rest of the album follows suit.

b)Film?

The Wicker Man (original 1973 version). Edward Woodward, Christopher Lee and Britt Ekland. Have a drink and watch it peeps. The end is unexpected, and a naked Britt Ekland (it’s a body double, but use your imagination) dancing in front of an open fire…… OH MY! Honourable mention to ‘Heathers’ (1988) as well.

c) Book?

I’m not a big reader, but I’m trying. My O.C.D’s kick in if i sit still for too long!

d) Sitcom?

British – Father Ted

American – Frasier

Guilty Pleasure – ‘Allo, ‘Allo

What’s your most treasured material possession?

I have a lot of useless tools in my shed, given to me by an elderly former neighbour that I couldn’t part with. I’ve known him all my life. I love pictures as well. Not on a computer, actual photos in an album of my kids.

What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?

I once owned a ‘Kangol’ Bucket hat. The sort Liam Gallagher used to wear in the 90’s. Whenever I wore it, I had a new swagger in my step. Almost like I’d gained a new persona. When I wore that hat I ruled the world.

Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?

Any extreme sport pioneer. I’m talking your Tony hawks or Mat Hoffmans here. People who did things (and got seriously hurt in the process) just to be the first person to pull off a trick.

Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?

My car, but that’s boring (answer, and car, both equally dull.) I love my bed, that bad boy was pretty pricey, and I do my two favourite things there, sleeping and……. shall we call it ‘nocturnal activities’

What’s your poison?

Other than the booze, I have to say, statistics. I hate this fact, but i have a good memory for remembering utter shite.

Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?

I’ve worked with too many funny men to name them all, but if pushed, I’d pick Jim Baxter. An all round funny guy, brilliant cartoonist and lead singer of ‘The Freaks Union’

Pick five words to describe yourself.

Obsessive, Lazy, Moody, Aggressive and Loyal, too loyal sometimes!

Has there ever been a period in your life that you look back on and think “What the hell was I doing?”

When I took up ‘Speed Walking’. The Lycra was terribly revealing.

What’s in your pockets right now?

Nothing! I have three kids, I’m skint!

Can you dance?

Oh Hell Yeah!….what, you want proof? I don’t want to brag, but MC Hammer picked up a few moves from me from our time together in NYC!

Vinyl, Tape, CD or MP3?

CD’s in the car, I-pod at home. MP3 has both improved then destroyed music. Shame really!

What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?

Only if “There’s a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuck in the springs of the bed.”

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?

My mood swings, I blow hot and cold. I feel for my wife, I really do!

What’s your culinary speciality?

Sunday Dinner, the full works. Wear slack pants if you ever come to mine for sunday din dins!

What single non-political thing winds you up the most?

Celebrity game shows! these only used to appear during the festive season in the past and were a treat. Now they make full series of the pissing things!

What’s your greatest fear?

Pennywise… Frightful, truly frightful.

What music would you have played at your funeral?

Here it comes – The Stone Roses, One for the Road – Ocean Colour Scene

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Hammered Shit! You can’t polish a turd, but you can sprinkle glitter on it.

Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written.

Zigazigah? Spice Girls – Wannabe.

“What do you say,
When someone’s been taken away
Before they’ve had a day to fly in the sun.”

Ocean Colour Scene – One for the road.

Not a great lyric, but love the song.

Happiness is…

A cigar called……no no no. Erm… just been around interesting people, drinking and laughing.

What are your plans for this weekend?

F1, Football, Rugby, Sainsburys. Not in that order. Hopefully squeeze in some reading and another childish ‘blog.’ If anybody wants to suggest a subject to start me off, comment below.

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