Tag Archives: PTSD

Hey Readers, Facebook Friends & Family. I have been using marijuana for PTSD treatments since May 2018. I think I may have been overdoing it since last weekend so I decided to take 24 hours off use. What happened when I took my break? here is what happened when I took a full 24 hours off of use:

Unrelieved anxiety & paranoia – I entered back into the world where everyone is my enemy. Much like I felt when I was at Seneca from 2016-2018.

Depression – My feeling of hopelessness returned in full force. At points last night there were times when I could not do anything.

Interval sleeping – My brain stayed on high alert and every little noise woke me up. That is okay, “Doctors highly recommend 3 hours of sleep at a time. Right?”

To Summarize other feelings at this time. I don’t want to put on my favorite tye dye shirt or my bandanna, no thoughts of painting my nails & embracing my dual spirit. I want to hide like I don’t deserve to be seen. I don’t even feel like using my positive affirmations. Is it worth it?

“A condition of persistent mental and emotional stress occurring as a result of injury or severe psychological shock, typically involving disturbance of sleep and constant vivid recall of the experience, with dulled responses to others and to the outside world.” Google search

If you ask me what it is, however… I will tell you it is.

Consistently having nightmares that make sleep impossible.

Feeling like the world’s sole purpose with you is to torment you.

Losing the ability to believe in love because it only amounts to pain

Struggling to hold a job because you stress yourself out of them

Feeling crushed under the pressure of what you feel is your closely approaching doom.

On the telephone doing financial market research in the Baltimore territory. I got called a cockroach by someone on the other end of the phone 6/25. A cockroach, like something exposed to a filthy environment, multiple trauma’s but just won’t die! Even if you crush just a part of one of these pests, it can drag itself around still. However, a cockroach feels no pain!

Maybe I am dirty, maybe I am dragging around a partially crushed carcas. I do feel pain though & instead of letting it kill me. I just try to live in spite of it.

Ashton Deroy Writes: Due to just incredible feedback & my willingness to execute this project. I will be turning this space into my medical marijuana blog, where my goal long term is to have it featured in partnership with Swan Whispers ASMR.

If we are just meeting. I am Ashton Deroy, gay bashing survivor, a victim of the affliction of PTSD & medical cannabis user. When I was 19 I was a victim of an attack which had me lead my 3 other men into a dumpster where I was trapped. It was not long but it could have been the end of my life had it not been for some friends looking out for me.

“I don’t want to be like this.” What do I mean when I say that? Well, I don’t want to have fits, stress out or cry for no reason. I think I sound insane when I describe it to people. In fact, I know I sound insane. When you talk about survivors… Talk about the girl at my work who when I told her I had PTSD she mentioned she was a breast cancer survivor. That surviving takes bravery!

What about my aunt? Surviving the attacks of a terrorist & cancer as well. That is bravery. I just continue to be loud & expressive in a world that has sometimes rejected me like trash. That is when I am not completely losing my mind to a panic attack.

I can’t do anything about my past, but I can try to live happy in the present. That is when the pot comes in. Now, I can’t pretend… These things still happen because weed is not a miracle cure it is a management medicine. These are things that still happen to me with weed:

I still get scared & panic for no reason

I can still cry for no reason

I can still feel at time dejected and rejected.

What is not happening? :

I am not self-harming

I am not drinking unsupervised if at all. (PTSD & alcohol is not a good combo)

I do not wake up feeling hopeless and incapable even in a scarce resource period

Ashton Deroy writes: Okay so earlier this year I read a book called Crazy is my Super power by AJ Mendez. This book has kind of made me contemplate my situation since integrating with mainstream society in 2012. For those who don’t know before 2012 I took the short bus to school. What the book has me thinking? Did I try to give up my super power? When I tried to live on the straight and narrow, did I try to relinquish my gifts in exchange for invisibility?

Imagine all the crazy shit you’d do if you began suspect you were invisible. Make radical changes to yourself, your appearance, mannerisms & your diet. I am not saying all of this was done to get noticed. I am just saying this is what my mind thinks about sometimes.

To Cannabis users with ADHD. “Moderate use of Sativa is key!” Last night I danced until I collapsed then planked. My body is in tremendous pain because I have been over doing the exercise again. This is why my nurse actually recommended CBD heavy cannabis during work weeks. Did I listen though? No and now my foot throbs.

Since diving back into the counter-culture scene I love. I have began reading books by the social Liberals who intrigue & inspire me. I am now more excitable about my work. Also I started socializing somewhat normally again. I did give a friend an earful of self-sabotage psychology examples oddly relevant to one of her Seneca College classes in the Seneca Newnham computing commons Jun, 18 approx 1700.

Hey friends, Family & readers. I wish you all health, wellness & fulfillment. My name is Ashton Deroy and I struggle with PTSD. I have been gay bashed, assaulted & I survived an abusive relationship. It has been a rough road but in 2018 I got a medical cannabis prescription & I was blessed. This blog follows my journey to spiritual fulfillment and community. This post is to promote safe consumption so you don’t have to be offside & wrongly chastised as a “smoker”. This oil blend helps me sleep, rest my brain issues & tap into my creativity. Step 1 Grind 1/2 gram of dry cannabis as dryly as possible.Step 2 Por 3 cups of water into a small pot and bring it to a low rolling boilStep 3 Add 2 tablespoons of coconut oil into the boiling water. THC is not water soluble alone and requires a fatty substance to bind to under heat. Step 4Add finely group cannabis to the boiling water. Step 5Boil the water and oil mixture on medium-high heat for at least 30 minutes, stirring every few minutes. After 30-40 minutes, strain the mixture into a cup and discard cannabis residue. Step 6 The cannabis tea is now ready to consume For extra flavor add a decaffeinated herbal flavored tea bag. Note: It may take up to 1 hour for cannabis tea to reach its full effects. Some people report the effects lasting up to 12 hours. Feedback on my use, I used a high THC strain rather than the recommended CBD strain. The result was an intensified head high. This worked out to a head high, an increased sex drive (for the coffee cannabis fusion) & increased appetite. When I was stoned I decided to redo the environment of my Spotify playlist. I downloaded other cultural music, some rich beautiful saxophone instrumentals & I watched the Maleficent movie on Netflix.