Things We’ve Said to Our Kids

March 20, 2012

Nathan Ripperger says things to his kids, and then turns his words into posters. They’re so spot-on they make me giggle! Have you ever said something to your kids and then realized how ridiculous it sounds? Please share! I love hearing stuff like that.

These are great! I caught how ridiculous I sounded last week when I told my son, “Play nicely with that sword. No stabbing or cutting anyone!” I was met with a confused stare until he replied, “what else can you do with a sword?”

SHUT UP! Nathan is a friend of mine from college! We were both media studies students. There are some hilarious videos floating out there in YouTube land from that time…one involving a pudding balloon.

This just made my day to open up one of my favorite blogs and see an old friend highlighted.

love! on the bacon note one of my son’s gems is when he was about 5 a woman walked by him wearing too much perfume. He asked his father why she smelled so much and my husband explained that women like to smell nice. His response “well then she should have rubbed bacon on herself, EVERYTHING is better with bacon”

YES! The other day I witnessed a good one – “Don’t stab the neighbors!” hehe the boys (my son and hers) were “sword fighting” through the fence and I almost got impaled! The things you never think you’ll hear yourself say!

Apparently I was a little preoccupied/ distracted when I wrote this earlier today because I wrote what my son said… not what I’ve said to my son… and there is no way I can let it go without redeeming myself so, let me try this again haha!

“For the third time son, the ball in your private part is NOT a toy, and NO we can’t cut it out with screw driver! I’m sorry, it’s just the way it is sometimes!”

I just laughed until I cried! Sarah – love the cowboy hat & boa at church. I’m a behavior therapist so I’m not sure if these count since they are not technically my children but here are some of my favorites.

“We do puzzles with our fingers, not our elbows, first take your fingers out of your nose then do the puzzle.”

That first one, with the underwear, is a daily occurrence around here. Along with lots of other not-wearing-underwear things. But my favorite is “You have to finish your french fries and soda before you can have ice cream.”

What a genius he is!
There have been similar Star Wars themed ones as some of the above at my house recently but none I can really quote. Best thing I can think of was on Christmas when my boys were playing with one’s new Zombie Pirate set and I said, “Let your brother do some shooting.”

Several years ago we were at a SYTYCD tour show and in the public restroom (during the performance, just 2 other women were in there so it was very quiet). My then three-year-old daughter asked loudly, “Mom, why do you have GRASS down there?” While washing hands at the sink after flushing, I nervously glanced down the counter where the other two women were laughing their heads off silently, so as not to add to the offense!

I have to constantly tell my 4 year old daughter to put her glasses on. So, she goes, ” I know mom! I am not blind!” Not yet you aren’t but if don’t where them you will be!

My 3 year old son is in that stage where he has to talk about his penis! So, he makes up songs and I find myself singing them. “Wash your butt, wash your penis!” When he is in the bath of course.
Then to my 4 year old, “get your hands out of your pants!” Put your underwear on! Do you do that at school?” Get your finger out of your nose, don’t lick your knee!” I don’t know what it is with licking but she does it all the time. The best is when she will look at herself in the mirror and then start to lick it!!! No, we don’t lick ourselves! I could go on and on. And then when her dad gets home, oh, he has some good ones. He is a hockey fan, and says things that he shouldn’t around the kids, and then the kids repeat them to me. So one day, I am changing my three year old yet again, and he says to me, “take it deep mom!!!” I about died and told my husband and he says, “you don’t say that to your mother!!!” My kids are my life. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and one thing is for sure, we laugh every day! I will end it here….LOL!

These made my roar with laughter! I have to start writing my comments down! But two things that are said by me at least 30 times a day is:
“get your hands out of your pants”
and
“get your mouth off that”
“get your head out of my shirt” usually in public
“no belly in public” my DD has to ‘feel’ my belly all the time (for comfort)
I know, not too original or funny so I’ll have to write them down as they are said.

After *much* frustration when my daughter (then 5) had continually squeezed a stuffed animal’s foot to make it laugh histerically (cute at first, not so much after 582 times), I could be heard saying, “Shut the duck up and sit down and eat your dinner!”

There was a slight pause, and then an eruption of laughter as we all figured out what it sounded like. I felt like a horrible parent! And the youngest ones just sat there wondering why everyone was laughing.

“No french fries till you eat your chicken nuggets!” (as if one was more “healthy” than the other!)
also the classic hypocritical parent: “Don’t hit or I’ll spank you!”
and finally “That’s not funny!” when it usually totally is but I’m just not in the mood for silliness :-)

I don’t know if it has the same effect in english, but today it happened to me to tell this to my 5yo daughter: “Wake up, it’s time to go to sleep”… in italian “wake up” also means “hurry up”, or “get ready”, but when I heard myself telling this I felt stupid… :)

When my kids were between the ages of 5-10 (4 of them) I would tell them “I cant wait til you grow up and have houses of your own!! Im going to come visit and jump on your beds, flick boogers at your walls, and lick every window in your house!!” The first time I said that my oldest daughter just stared at me, then flounced away almost in tears.She yelled back at me, “Im NEVER! inviting you to my house. NEVER!” Now that the youngest is 12 its a standard saying in the house. Usually one of them will purposely do something,like lick a window right in front of me and then just stare at me, waiting for me to say it! Ahhh, tradition,lol.

We don’t decorate with unraveled scrubbies! What? you were having a party in your sisters crib?
Don’t jump on the couch you will break your head off!
No we don’t put sucker sticks in the screw holes in the livingroom wall.
Daddy can’t take kitty to work in his van just because uncle takes his dog around in the back of his truck.
If you hit your sister again I will spank you.

When we were pregnant with our first we were watching a birthing show on Tv with my mother. When a woman on the show pudly announced she was witnessing the birth of her eighteenth grandchild we asked my mother what her response would be in that situation. Just as my teenage brother was coming into the room she yelled “everybody gets vasectomies for Christmas! ” the look on his face was priceless!

I knew I made comments like these all day long but couldn’t think of any on demand. So here’s mine from last night when we all went outside with glow sticks to look at the stars in the sky.
I said to my son:
“Stop poking my butt with your glowstick or I’m taking it away!”

I made the mistake of reading these while in a somber waiting room at the hospital…I started giggling uncontrollably and had to leave. Hilarious! And brightened my morning for sure (brings back memories too-I’ll have to think of some from my little kid days)

“Stop beating your brother with your Bible.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me. Just put your boogers in my pocket.” (I seriously need to get tissues because I say that one a lot.)
“You can’t have any more carrots until you eat something with fat.” (also said about every other day)

If it’s under skin it doesn’t come out.
Another classic is “I don’t care if he thinks it’s funny, you can’t ” whatever they are trying to do to the youngest.
“did your brain fall out? Then you’ll survive.”

Welcome

My name is Gabrielle Blair. I'm a designer and mother of six. After 2 1/2 years in France, we just bought a home in Oakland, California. We call it The Treehouse. I post on where design and motherhood intersect.

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