Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Attack and the Decay: Part 4.

The Attack and the Decay: Part 4

EVERYDAY HAS A BEAT. A pulse. A rhythm. Sometimes I’m in sync with it. Other times I struggle just to move the many bones within my body. Sometimes I ache. Sometimes it’s physical. Many times it’s emotional. But I’ve carried it for so long that it’s ordinary to me. It’s a part of my life. I don’t think I’d feel complete without it anymore. It’s replaced the feeling of happiness that they could once provide me. If I don’t have this aching, I feel as if I have nothing. It’s my key to the door of my past; the link to the chains that surrounded my childhood. And no matter how hard it pulled me or choked me, I couldn’t give it up. It caused me pain, yes. But only because that connection once gave me so much happiness. That’s how it is with anything in life. The purest, most satisfying things are the coldest and most painful to look at once they’re no longer in your possession. But is it better to feel that pain in exchange for that one moment of pure bliss; or is it better to pass it by – unscathed, untouched, and ignorant to such contentment in the world? Is one-time love better than none at all? My mind wanders back and forth, and I can never choose a side. So I try to remain neutral…or at least appear so.