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5.18.2011

One of my absolute favorite bloggers (and there are probably only enough of them for me to count one hand) not only read and replied to my comment on her own blog, but took the time to come here and comment on one of my posts. I love it! And furthermore, if you haven't discovered Annah at Red Means Go yet, you obviously don't know how to live your life and should definitely click her name there if you want to know what true happiness is.

...Just kidding guys, I love you. But really, check her out. She talks a lot about vodka and sex and cupcakes and dogs (all of these mutually exclusive, I swear), she's a Cuban by birth who is currently living in Miami, and she rocks.

Aaaand, other things have happened in my life I think, but I'm going to go ahead and write about those things later...because my brain's a little bit too tired to come up with anything decent.

Because I'm too lazy to actually write for you here are some things to look at:

These flowers were just thrown on the ground in the parking lot of the church we were at.

I couldn't resist them.

I like this one better sideways for reasons I can't really explain.

I took them last Saturday while I was with Boyfriend and his family. This cute little girl kept following me around once she realized I was taking pictures (related to Daniel in some way, but I couldn't exactly tell you how - she was one of those in group who weren't introduced to me), but she wouldn't actually talk to me. It was adorable nonetheless.

I'll try and post something more entertaining later. In the mean time, have a wonderful everything.

PS: I felt the first outside kick from the baby yesterday. I don't want this blog to be all about the pregnancy, but I can't help mentioning something that felt so exciting.

5.17.2011

It's been almost a year since I gave up on everything. Within a single semester of college I had adopted a new group of friends, taken to drinking on the weekends, and risen to smoking a pack a day. My boyfriend at the time hated smokers and drinkers and wasn't the best human being to be attached to in my life even when I was living the life of sobriety (which was only the case because he demanded it). I was extremely unhappy and, feeling trapped, was perhaps looking to rebel against him in some way, and so I did a lot of this behind his back until I dumped him at the beginning of the summer.

Giving up led me here. I'm convinced it was the best choice I've ever made.

That summer, everything changed. I was newly single, I lost weight (which I had been failing miserably at doing for some time), I was making new friends and revamping old friendships that I had had to abandon for my relationship. I was having the time of my life, and when I met up with Daniel again after maybe 2-3 years of not talking (besides running into him in the WinCo parking lot, the only place I ever seemed to see him) it was a pretty awesome feeling.

Now I'm completely infatuated and don't know how I went two years in the most unhealthy situation of my life when I could have instead been involved in something so wonderful. But maybe I appreciate this more now because of the hell that I went through before.

Maybe I don't regret anything, I can't exactly be sure. I do know that I've thrived on the strength that I had to leave as soon as I decided I wanted to, especially after so long of subconsciously forcing myself to stay. Before that day I never really even considered ending it, I simply felt like I was in a situation that sucked but that I had no control over. Yet once I made my decision it only took me days to breach the subject; I cried only once, beforehand, nervous over saying what I wanted. But I did it and just like that, I no longer felt emotional connections to the person that had been in my life every day for two years.

He called me two days later and asked me if I was ready to take him back, followed by the question, "or have you found a new boyfriend yet?" which he tried (and failed) to deliver in a joking manner. And I did what any respectable woman would do: I told him about my night at the church with Daniel and how happy I was to see him again.

And now he's mine and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

PS: If you want a (very brief) explanation of the church story, check out my About Me page. You'll find it in a tab at the top.

5.16.2011

Someone needs to buy the book Water for Elephants and give it to me. Because you love me. I've been dying to read it for quite a while now and sort of started to once inside of a Borders store, but I ended up leaving. I've been too poor to buy it myself and now I have to spend my money on things like bills and a baby and life. Sigh, whatever.

Seriously, I want it.

I'm afraid to go and see the movie because 1) movies are never as good as their books, but I can't bitch about that if I haven't even read the book for comparison before seeing it, and 2) I don't know who would actually go see it with me and I would hate to be that loner in the back of the theater. Also, did I mention I'm broke? If you know of any jobs available where you don't really have to do anything while still getting paid tons of cash for it, call me. Ice cream testing is welcome.

I'm very tempted to tell you all to donate your awesome old books to me, but in just a matter of weeks I'm going to be moving from my very small room to an even smaller one that I have to share with Boyfriend and, in approx. five more months, a screaming infant, so I might not have the room (or even the time) for them after all. Oh well.

Looks like my hobby continues to be writing. Now if only I knew what to say. Oh, life.

5.11.2011

Here's what's happened since I last posted...at least that I can remember, because I'm sure a ton of uninteresting shit has happened otherwise.

I met a ton of Boyfriend's family for the first time on Thursday, the 5th of May. This is mentionable only because he swore it would never happen. He's not exactly family-oriented, and hasn't even been around most of them himself for a good portion of his life. He never wanted me to meet his mother and has mentioned that the baby never will. I'm not sure if that's changed or not. It was interesting, and I wasn't disappointed. I actually got along well with everyone I came into contact with.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in earlier posts or not, but a few months back my boyfriend's dad found out that he had lung cancer. Well, the reason for the family gathering was that his health had taken a turn. Toward the end of this visit, Boyfriend asked me to go into the room with him, and it was a horrible thing to see. His dad couldn't talk, could hardly move...it hurt to watch. He mostly stared at the wall, but would look at whoever was talking some of the time. Boyfriend pulled me over to the side of the bed, took his dad's hand to have him feel my stomach and, as we had agreed not more than an hour prior, informed him that we would be naming our child after him should it turn out to be a boy. And so it's decided: if it's a boy, we have a Mark Allen on the way, named after two people that we have loved dearly in our lifetimes.

His dad passed away the next day, on May 6th, and I only wish I could have been more of a presence while I was in that room. I wish it were easier to find the words you want to say while you still have the means to share them.

My first mother's day (as a soon-to-be mom, rather than a current one) was this last Sunday, the 8th. That was nice. Boyfriend and I picked up food and went to a park, where we sat and ate in front of the water. It was cute. He was super excited to do something for me that day, even though we couldn't do much; my dad was stuck at the hospital where his child was being born, so I was on call all day. Kept having to leave to pick up and feed children, and etc. It was still nice, though. It was the first thing he said to me when we woke up that morning, "Happy first mother's day." It felt strange to hear, but in a good way.

Mm, Boyfriend's dad's funeral is this Saturday, on the 14th. I feel awful and even though I've lost a ton of people in my life, I still can't find the right words. I guess I'm doing alright, though, because he sent me a message last night out of nowhere reading, "Everything is perfect with you, and you make everything better." He let me know that all of this has made him feel closer to me. So I guess even just allowing him to cry on my shoulder is enough...as if being here for him is a chore.

Anyway, this is life right now. I'm 17 weeks tomorrow, the nausea is (for the most part) gone, and Monday is my next appointment. I have to get blood drawn (not my favorite thing to do), but at least I'll be scheduled for my next ultrasound. Hoping I get to find out the sex at this one (it depends on whether the baby is being stubborn or not). I'm really excited.

Anyway, have a good day, week, month, year, to the best of your ability.

5.01.2011

Good news: I haven't puked in three days. Also, I've eaten both ice cream and sour cream in these three days! This actually is an accomplishment, and it feels kind of really embarrassing to say so. I'm hoping the morning sickness is on its way out permanently. And let me just say, I'm hoping really, really hard.

I don't know how to transition, mostly because I don't know what else I want to say.

I'm moving at the end of next month. Most of me is super excited and can't wait for school to get out already so that I can just GO. I miss Daniel all the time, whether I've talked to him in the last thirty minutes or not, so that'll be kind of a relief. But this will not only be my first time living with a boyfriend, but it'll be my first time officially living on my own...ever. That's kind of the cause of the very (very, very) small part of me that doesn't want the move to happen. It's scary! What will I do without my daddy? Pretend I didn't say that.

I'm 15 weeks and 3 days pregnant with Baby (hitting the beginning 4 days here in less than thirty minutes!); I love Boyfriend so incredibly much that I kind of don't know what to do with myself, and I know that I want the three of us to living together more than anything. Still, I can't stop picturing the room that I've been in since I was 12 being empty of my things, and it kind of makes me sad.

Truth is, being an adult is freakyweird and I don't know if I'm ready.