Learning to reject ageism is its own reward

2of 2Feminist Gloria Steinem embraced her most recent birthday, saying "This is what 80 looks like." Here she's shown in 2015 at a protest in Pyongyang, North Korea as she and women from 15 countries walked across the Demilitarized Zone dividing North and South Korea.Photo: JUNG YEON-JE, Staff

There is some special reverence grandchildren have for their grandparents. Maybe it's because, as a friend of mine likes to say, "My job is to spoil them; when the grandkids need to be disciplined, I hand them back to their parents."

So when children are asked how they would feel to be like their grandparents, their response is surprising. They say that becoming old like those beloved role models, "would feel awful."

Society assumes that aging is bad. Aging is about becoming feeble and debilitated. By the time you are 95, you are barely mobile, entirely unproductive and mentally incapacitated, the script says. The messages all around are that most 95 year olds are dead or the walking dead.

My mother-in-law Millie just celebrated her 95th birthday, and she doesn't neatly fit into either the dead or walking dead category. In fact, her schedule would make a 55-year-old dizzy. She participates avidly in a weekly bridge group and a book club, attends classes twice a week on Shakespeare and other topics, regularly goes to the theater and out to dinner, plays piano with her son and has a cast of friends too extensive to commit names to memory. How does she do it? When I ask her, there is nothing supernatural about her level of energy - she tires easily. She answers simply, "What's the choice?"

Donald Rumsfeld memorably distinguished between "known unknowns" and "unknown unknowns." Known unknowns are happenings you are aware of but don't know the outcome; unknown unknowns are things you simply have no inkling are happening.

Death seems to me a "known unknown." It frightens you because, although you must admit it is coming, you will never be able to try it on before it happens, at which point it is too late to be prepared. The "unknown unknown," I believe, is that your fear of aging and death yield attitudes and behaviors that you don't realize you have. That is, you don't know how much fear of your inevitable decline takes over your life.

Ageism - the assumption that older people are less capable, less interesting, less attractive than younger people - is ubiquitous. It drives you to spend big bucks trying to be young, supporting whole industries, from facial creams to cosmetics; from Sudoku to mind games and continuing education; from yoga to strength training.

Ageism is also damaging. In various experiments, subjects have been primed by words flashed on a screen too quickly to be perceived - some positive, such as wisdom, and some negative, such as decrepit. Those subjected to the negative words had lower scores on memory tests, shakier handwriting and slower walking speeds.

Bucking stereotypes is tough. Yet Gloria Steinem, that still-beautiful feminist, each decade asks you to reject ageism. Botswana and then India were her destinations for her "This is what 80 looks like" birthday. Steinem reminds you that ageism is a choice.

As you get old, you fail to appreciate your self-hatred. But if you do, and you buck the stereotype, the reward is amazing. Consider this shocking statistic: Older individuals who expressed positive attitudes about aging 23 years earlier lived 7.5 years longer. Those who reject ageism as they get older are happier; follow better diets and get more exercise; have lower stress responses, such as elevations in blood pressure; and are in better functional health.

You can silently despair each time you search in vain for a forgotten name or take longer to pee - sure that worse is yet to come. Or, like Millie, you can choose to remain vigorous and intellectually engaged. Deepak Chopra, the best-selling author, makes a distinction between "chronological age" and "biological age." Chopra claims your biological age can be 15 years younger, or older, than your chronological age - depending on your lifestyle choices.

You can also revel in the wealth of your experience as you age and in the richness of your connections to others and to nature. Dr. Linda Fried, now Dean at Columbia School of Public Health, has helped retirees to volunteer in schools or to mentor low-income youngsters. A 70-year-old-plus colleague enjoys biking alongside so many other older Houstonians riding the MS 150.

If you reject ageism as a choice rather than accept it as a fact, you've got a much better chance of remaining vital in old age. Even though getting old comes with predictable physical and mental changes, these need not make you miserable - if you accept yourself with kindness.