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Happy Australia Day, lovers! On this day that White Australia loves to come together and get trashed enough to forget about that awkward little attempted genocide many moons ago, why not be like Miranda Kerr and do something else entirely?

Oh Miranda, Rico really thought there was nothing you could do to make us roll our eyes harder, but here we are rolling them so vigorously we can see the half-eaten Whopper with cheese our brains are still saving from breakfast.

Why do you hand us these things, Miranda? Is this about James Packer? Has Mariah Carey’s engagement to the man with a face like a stuffed capsicum driven you mad? Is it because he put a ring on her and only a gag on you?

Rico reckons it’s nothing of the sort and this is all about slapping back at the producers of the new Wonder Woman movie who had the gall to cast someone other than an ex-Victoria’s Secret supermodel with a heart of questionable material and a brain made out of 2-minute noodle.

Oh Kerr, do us a favour and put down the cheap child-labour bed sheets. We often forget you’re Australian but we certainly don’t need the constant reminders that you’re stupid