My musings on pop culture, current events, and life in general. Basically, Everything Under the Sun.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Job Posting Dictionary

I thought I would do the job searching world a favor, and provide this much needed translation of common terms found in Internet job postings. After having been unemployed for nearly two years, I have read many, and know that if you're not paying close attention, the true meaning of some of these words and phrases might elude folks who expect everything to be literal. So, here it is...Jeremy's Job Posting Dictionary:

Intern = foolish and desperate recent college grad willing to work for nothingEntry-Level = two to four years experience Two to four years experience = two to four years experience in this exact type of position, otherwise, go screw yourselfStrong communication skills = you can somehow trick us into actually reading your cover letter and resumeMust be proficient in = second only to God in skill levelPreferred (as in, "MBA preferred" or "fashion industry experience preferred") = you'd better have this, motherfuckerBachelor's degree required = we will only consider you if the university you attended rhymes with Schmarvard, Schmale, or SchmanfordSelf-starter = you will automatically know how to perform every task without any direction - this is especially pertinent when your direct supervisor is busy getting blown by one of the foolish and desperate recent college grads willing to work for nothing Entrepreneurial spirit = you failed at starting your own successful business, that's why you're applying to work here, loserWilling to travel = there's a fucking Starbucks every 20 feet, now get me my venti caramel machiatto, you lazy shitMust possess valid driver's license = if you're not willing to get me my venti caramel machiatto, you can drive your good-for-nothing ass homeLocal applicants only = members of the hiring manager's family onlyMust have the legal right to work in the U.S. = except if you're a white male, particularly an unattractive one - then, let's be realistic, you have no shotAbility to respond well under pressure - What's that? You just chucked your laptop across the room?

Then, of course, there is the all-time favorite phrase that comes in the standard rejection form letter: