Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

The right to gag

Are American marriages really as bland and trivial as reading about them makes it seem? And are American men really obsessed with nothing but sports and farting?

MSN ran a little feature a few days ago that made me want to gag. Two of their columnists posted a Husband’s Bill of Rights and a Wife’s Bill of Rights. Presumably, these are the things that the wives and husbands of this great nation see as essential components of marital harmony. The 10 rights a husband must have are:

• The right to go out with his buddies at least once a month.
• The right to dislike the husbands of his wife’s friends.
• The right to have a few things of his own in the house.
• The right not to be scolded by his wife.
• The right to teach his sons how to burp and fart.
• The right to teach his children how to defend themselves.
• The right to copious reading material in the bathroom.
• The right to watch the big game.
• The right to control the remote when he’s on the couch.
• The right to be chivalrous.

Does this list annoy me? Let me count the ways. Some of the rights conjure an image of a man on a leash — scolded and brought to heel for wanting to see his friends, for keeping his own possessions in his own home, for trying to be a gentleman. What kind of shrew is this guy married to? Other rights suggest why the wife may have a few complaints. Does this guy really care so much about watching television, burping, farting and spending long hours in the bathroom that such things are equated with Jeffersonian doctrine?

And what about the wife’s rights? Here are her ten:

• The right to dislike her husband’s buddies.
• The right to experience PMS in all its glory
• The right to demand he finish a household job.
• The right to hear an honest answer to the question “What’s wrong?”
• The right to keep her secrets.
• The right to clean air (meaning: no farting).
• The right to tons of girly bathroom products.
• The right to talk with girlfriends every day.
• The right to flirt.
• The right to foreplay.

Gag me again. A big part of what bothers me about these rights is what is being inferred about men. Apparently, the husband is a crappy lover who is in a constant state of flatulence. Strangely, while the husband is accused of being non-communicative when asked what’s wrong, the wife gets to keep her secrets. She also gets to flirt while he, apparently, should be busy finishing household chores.

Ultimately, what I hate about these “rights” is that they portray marriage as a state of entrapment in which niggling little concerns dominate the relationship. Is that really what American marriages are all about? And are men truly such louts? If so, I question the sanity of those gay couples agitating for the right to get married. Why in the world would you want to buy into such a tedious institution — especially if it means being married to a man?

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.