The following advice has been updated:

Get yourself a therapist. If you do nothing else, do this. You’ve got some issues that you need to work through — trying to resolve them on internet forums won’t work. If you’re insurance covers therapy, then you’ve got no excuse — carve out the time and commit to this. If you don’t have insurance, here are some suggestions for still getting the treatment you deserve. Additionally, read some decent, well-reviewed self help books. In short, do the hard work of self improvement.

Just get sex over with. Johnny suggested below that people in this position get a prostitute and while we agree that sex need not be such a big deal and you should perhaps just try it with no strings attached (if you’re so inclined), a sex surrogate may be the better way to go. Surrogates take a more therapeutic approach to help clients work on their sexual issues. While anyone can call themselves a surrogate, the International Professional Surrogates Association seems to be the leader in setting guidelines and offering certification, so check out their site.

Consider embracing celibacy. Sex can be emotionally and physically risky and complicated. Plenty of people find peace in eschewing all sexual encounters. While sex is necessary for some people, others find it a burden they prefer to live without. There’s no shame in either approach.

Try dating. A lifetime of avoiding romantic relationships may have perhaps left you a bit socially awkward; but being charming, having a sense of humor, initiating and maintaining stimulating conversation — these are the things that are far more important in (and effective at) attracting partners than sexual experience or bodily perfection. If you can retrain yourself socially and eventually muster up the nerve to try dating (see #1, master #1), there are certainly steps you can take to avoid getting your heart (and ego) totally smashed to bits. For example, don’t try to date the youngest, hottest, most sought after single in the (real-world or online) room. Get to know the person’s values early on so you know they align with yours (i.e. they’re kind, understanding, sympathetic). Read up on how to be a good lover (SEX: How to Do Everything is a fabulous guide, if we do say so ourselves). And should sex look like it might be a possibility, give your by-then trusted partner a heads up about your concerns and (in)experience to avoid any surprises. There’s no guarantee you end up with a serious partner, but chances are you won’t experience true naked devastation in the bedroom.

16 Comments

Since this topic is about millions of men like me, I’d like to address Em&Lo’s 4 suggestions for dealing with late-life virginity:

1) Therapist. Going to a therapist can be helpful in regards to self-esteem issues. However, what a therapist can’t help a guy with is to give him the superficial qualities that so many women desire. Those things can never be “fixed”. So, overall, I consider therapy in regards to this issue a complete waste of time.

2) Prostitution. I personally am very much against prostitution. They charge astronomical prices and take advantage of vulnerable, insecure, lonely men. It is all about objectifying bodies. The majority of guys who seek out these prostitutes are desperate guys who just want to know what sex feels like just once during their lifetime. Those are the guys these prostitutes take advantage of. There is no emotion, feelings, nor compassion involved. The entire sex industry is sleazy, degrading, and objectifying. From prostitution to pornography, those businesses are destructive and harmful on all levels. I, personally, would want nothing to do with contributing any money to such an industry.

3) Virginity/celibacy This is really the only good option that makes the best sense for the many guys like me. Divorce and break-up rates are very high. When you have all of the disadvantages that I do (many body flaws such as having a smaller penis, not having much money, no experience, etc.) the best choice is celibacy/virginity and just never getting involved with a woman. Here are the most important things that a guy like me should do: Just try to do the things I enjoy and that make me happy. Try to do the things that make me feel good about myself. Don’t hurt myself by putting myself out there where I make myself so vulnerable to women resulting in a woman rejecting me, tearing me down, and making me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. I don’t deserve that. Nobody does. Although it can be very lonely, just try to live my life as best as I can.

4) Dating. As I said previously, when you don’t have qualities like a large bank account or a large penis plus other body flaws, attempted dating can be toxic and destructive with rejection chances are extremely high where the chances for happiness are extremely low. I don’t have what most women want. That is just the sad fact. Millions of other guys are in that same boat as me. So, I strongly suggest avoiding the kind of severe emotional and mental pain that putting yourself out there can most likely bring. That’s how I feel on the matter of attempted dating for myself and others who are similar circumstances.

So, out of all of the suggestions, celibacy/virginity is the only viable and sensible option for guys like me who are later-in-life virgins. I give credit to Em&Lo for including that in their suggestions. They said that sex and relationships are not for everyone and can be really messy. They said that that celibacy/virginity can be a fine issue. I agree. So, while I’m at peace with my own life choice, I will still speak out against women who are size queens and reject and ridicule men due to penis size. As I said before, it is the cruelest thing a woman can do to a man and is the reason that millions of men like myself have made the virginity/celibacy choice that we have. When I read about people here like the Sizeists who want nothing to do with a guy because his penis size is 4 inches or the Kristen’s who posted the most vile, hatred against men with smaller penises, I’m going to verbally attack them and call them out on their cruelty. This is an issue that has plagued me and millions of other men throughout our entire lives. I decided I wasn’t going to suffer in silence anymore. I will continue to speak out on this issue. I feel that is very important.

Although later-in-life virginity is my issue and my reality. what brought me here was the Sizeist topic of a woman who was used to having sex with a guy who has a large 8 inch penis and couldn’t accept nor be happy being with a man with 4 inch penis. Now, some may consider this off-topic and belongs on the other topic thread but I don’t agree. It totally ties into the later-in-life-virginity topic here. There are just too many women who have the same attitudes that sizeist has in regards to penis size. Whenever there is a discussion of penis size, the conclusion always is that bigger is better and smaller is inferior. It’s been that way since I was in my teens to my 52-year-old age now. Women brag about their boyfriends who are “well endowed” and their favorite negative put down is telling a guy he has a small penis. Nasty small penis jokes are everywhere in the media. It is the only body-shaming that is still very acceptable in our society. That’s the uphill struggle that men with smaller penises face and the odds are so much against us finding a loving, caring. girlfriend who wouldn’t be bothered by a small penis and it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker. That’s why there are so many insecure lonely men. Some of them have even gone to the extreme suicidal route because they have been made to feel so worthless by women like sizeist and society. My smaller penis isn’t the only factor why I chose to avoid relationships with women throughout my life, but it is a major factor in that decision. When you have the likelihood of being judged so harshly by the sizeists of the world over a body part you were born with, then it understandably scares so many men to attempt to get involved with a woman. While that topic thread was so disturbing on all levels and women like that deserve condemnation for treating a boyfriend in that manner, it is reality of how so many women view men and treat them today. And this has been going on for decades. So, when women like that are so prevalent and in abundance, male virginity in all age groups has never been higher. They just feel that their chances for happiness with a woman are slim. And the sad fact is that they indeed are extremely low and most men realize this. That’s why the expression “it’s better to be safe than sorry” so much rings true that I have always applied to my own life. Due to the hazardous dating conditions foe men that we’ve had for several decades, celibacy/virginity is a fine choice and the best choice.

Everyone needs to decide how best to live their life.
But if people are not happy with their life, or with the choice they have made then they need to make some changes.
Change is difficult for many people. It can take people out of their comfort zone, force them to change thoughts, behaviors, or actions.

There is NOTHING wrong with a woman preferring a larger sized cock. If that’s what she needs or wants then she’s got a right to seek that out. This is nothing more than what I said at the start…everyone needs to decide best how to live their lives.

The internet is a world of fakes and frauds. I would not be so quick to condemn women on the net because they are putting down men with small cocks. My guess is that many of those “women” are actually men pretending to be women in order to satisfy their own strange kink. Internet forums are THE worst place to go in order to seek help or solace.

Aaron, my heart hoes out to you. We both have had a lifetime of similar fears. I happen to be a 52-year-old virgin that has never had a girlfriend. Why? Because I have always been afraid to get involved and get close to a woman. The sad truth is that so many women out there are size-queens and gold-diggers. Those women can’t love a man for who he is and the person he is inside. They just care about what a man can give her. All over the internet, I read such sad stories of women breaking up with men and rejecting men because of penis size. My heart goes out to every man who has ever been hurt by a woman for that cruel, obnoxious reason. Although my penis size is not as small as yours, it is not large and nowhere near porn-star-sized. I never gave a woman a chance to hurt me like that and commit the ultimate cruelty and mental and emotional abuse against me. If that had happened to me (like so many other men), I would’ve committed suicide and wouldn’t be alive today. That is the potential harm these women cause. In fact, suicide rates are much higher among men than women and rejection for penis size by women is a major factor and partly to blame. Anyway, Aaron, I totally understand how you feel. Millions of men can relate to it because it is also their story. You are not alone.

Spouting utter bullshit. Please post a link where penis size is the major cause of suicide in men!
And it is not true that many women are size queens. You spend too much time on the wrong kind of forums (sad sack, whoa is me type of forums).

Ugh, not again. Look darlings, we encourage thoughtful debate around these here parts. If you decide to comment on this public forum, you should expect people who disagree with you to challenge you. If you don’t like that, don’t make any comments. And please refrain from any name-calling. Now, as we say to our kids, don’t make us come in here again!

This guy has deliberately made things miserable for me here. Sorry, but the truth is that he is the most obnoxious, insensitive, jerk I have encountered. I saw a friend here posting, Aaron Spencer. He is a life-long virgin like me who has avoided getting involved with women because of penis size. I have had excellent conversations with him on other sites. I was pleasantly surprised to see his name here posting and wanted to talk to him. Once again, the antagonist Dave just couldn’t stay out. Aaron and I belong on this thread since it’s our issues. Dave does not! All he ever does is judge and ridicule. For a sensitive topic as this thread is, that’s completely inappropriate.

I have every right to join in on any topic/conversation I want. This is an open forum. You do not get to pick and choose who can post and who cannot. You’ve got a great many issues that you need to deal with…and you can add a controlling personality to that list. Please go seek professional help.

You provide nothing but ridicule and judgments. You deliberately antagonize and hurt others by your obnoxious, insensitive posts. I have repeatedly told you that I do not wish to have any dialogue with you whatsoever but you continue to seek out my posts and respond. That is the behavior of a troll and that is totally inappropriate for this or any other site. You have the coldest and blackest heart of anyone who has ever commented to me so go get that heart transplant because you desperately need one.

Aaron, I was pleasantly surprised to see your name and post here. We’ve talked before on other sites. We have agreed on everything and it’s been a pleasure communicating with you. You and I are definitely on the right thread on this site. We’re both in the same boat and we understand each other. This thread is about virginity and how to deal it. Unfortunately, I don’t recommend you posting here. There is an antagonist by the name of Dave. From our conversations, I know you will not agree with any of his garbage (just like I don’t) . I know his extreme heartlessness and cruelty would upset a sensitive guy like you (just like he does to me). So, even though this is a totally appropriate thread for you to post on, for your own best interests and not be unnecessarily upset, I don’t recommend you posting here. Dave seems to feel that he can go around and spout off his extremely insensitivity and cruelty to anyone here he wants. Unfortunately, nobody will stop him. Antagonizing others is what makes him tick. Aaron, we can still continue to talk with each other about our virginity and our penis size insecurities freely (like we have been doing) without the rude, nasty, insensitive, antagonistic Dave. So, Aaron, I know what sites to find you on so don’t worry. We’ll talk again in peace at other locations.

Do yourself a favor and lose your virginity already. This isn’t something I recommend normally, but late life virgins are an exceptional case. You’re way behind the curve as it is, and finding a partner is tricky. It often takes many tries. I suggest you fast-track this process by at least experiencing the female anatomy. Find a well-reviewed sex worker and go for it. Think of it as training wheels.

The therapist isn’t for talking through sex technique (that’s also something a good paid companion will be happy to work through with you). The therapist is about the emotional fragility you mention.

If you’re worried about getting hurt emotionally, those things WILL happen to you if you get romantically involved with women. Some lady will laugh at you for hitting on her. Another will ghost you when you thought things were going well. Others will dump you after you’ve fallen in love. Another might say something especially nasty in an argument. Even good relationships have ugly moments.

Hmmm, good point about the emotional devastation & suicide talk. Another point we should have probably made is the fact that celibacy can be a fine choice too for some people; the messiness of sex and relationships may not be for everyone!