A. immediately empathizes
with you, taking your side
while doing his personal
best to help rebuild your
confidence. Almost instantly,
your friend gets word out to his
own work network that you’re a
great hire and are available immediately,
doing his very best to turn a bad situation into a careerdefining fresh start for you. SCORE 10 POINTS
B. blames a hidden conspiracy “out to get you” and pushes for
instant litigation, harassing you into taking a meeting you don’t
want with a skeevy lawyer you’d never hire. She threatens war with
the company via its Facebook account and even sets up a Change.org
petition to get you hired back. SCORE 20 POINTS
BONUS: If your friend later asks permission to send
your ex-boss his own resume due to his own employment
dry-spell, SCORE ANOTHER 10 POINTS.

SITUATION #3

YOUR DOCTOR
CALLS WITH
BAD NEWS.
Your best friend…

“She tells you to
stalk his dumping
derriere if you
have to but make
sure he realizes
what a huge
mistake he made
by leaving you.
Make the jerk pay!”
SITUATION #5

YOU FACE A SPIRITUAL CRISIS.
Your best friend…

A. listens patiently as you confess your deepest fears
about life and death, and what your ultimate role is or
was perhaps meant to be. She offers personal insight into
her own spiritual journey and how she has dealt with
it over the years, admitting that even now she doesn’t
always have all the answers. SCORE 10 POINTS
B. erupts with joy that you have finally admitted to your
single greatest weakness. She then immediately books you
an appointment with her own spiritual guide to get you
on “the” path to happiness. SCORE 20 POINTS

A. takes the somber occasion of your
own life-changing diagnosis as a reason to revisit her own health
issues in even greater detail. For some reason, she seems to interpret
“empathy” as playing a grand game of “My disease was kind of
like your disease, but actually worse…” SCORE 20 POINTS

BONUS: If she says anything along the lines of “Now some
people have referred to this as a cult but nothing could be
farther from the truth…” SCORE ANOTHER 15 POINTS.

B. drops everything, determined to come quickly to your side.
She listens, without judgment, as you bear your new health reality,
offering whatever help she can until you begin feeling strong enough
to confront the challenges presented. SCORE 10 POINTS

SITUATION #6

SITUATION #4

YOUR KID GOT
ARRESTED.
Your best friend…

A. recognizes that even as you are attempting
to face the harsh realities of the situation at
hand, you are also struggling with self-doubt as
to your parenting abilities and what role your own
personal issues may have played in this trouble. He offers support
in whatever way he can – even if it’s nothing more than standing
up for you and your family to friends. SCORE 10 POINTS
B. immediately cuts loose with a chorus of “He was always trouble”
and “Don’t blame yourself – he was rotten to the core all along.”
Then he inserts recommendations of tough love alongside decidedly
unveiled suggestions about the sort of pre-emptive parenting
you clearly were not doing. The only offer of tangible assistance
is limited to seeing if the arrest is serious enough to attract the
attention of either Judge Judy or Dr. Drew. SCORE 25 POINTS

YOU NEED MONEY – FAST!
Your best friend…
A. expresses surprise at the desperate
nature of your request, even as he offers
to help as much as possible. Still, he
appears far more concerned with ensuring you
are able to separate from whatever circumstance has
brought you into such a dire situation than the need for the
actual money itself. SCORE 10 POINTS
B. pops out a laundry list of items he’d be more than happy to
take off your hands at 10 or 20 cents on the dollar “just to help
out,” even as he suggests other wild alternatives like blood,
sperm, or even organ sales. SCORE 25 POINTS.
BONUS: If he offers to help plan and/or execute a heist of any
kind, SCORE ANOTHER 50 POINTS B