Microsoft is to pay $97m to settle a
long-standing legal case brought by thousands of temporary workers who
claimed they had been denied benefits while working at the software giant.

About 8,000-12,000 people who worked for
Microsoft after December 1986 could be eligible for payments in what is
believed to be the largest ever settlement in a case of this type, the
plaintiffs' law firm Bendich, Stobaugh & Strong said in a statement.

Yeah.
Temps pretty much rock. Thanks to the four or five people who brought the
story to my attention (you think I'd be on top of stuff like this).

Also, as far as my illness, I am feeling a little
better. I think the Martian Death Flu is giving up on me. My ears
have cleared up enough for me to stand without wobbling, my stomach has gotten
better to the point where I can eat solid food, and my lungs, thankfully, are
clear enough that I can begin to smoke again.

Er,
hi. So, as you may have noticed, Not My Desk is taking a little break,
partially due to the proximity of the holidays, and partially due to the Martian
Death Flu I've had for the past four or five days. While there probably
won't be any updates until after Christmas, rest assured I will still be working
on the site, writing new material, and coughing up what's left of my lungs for
the next few weeks.

In
the meantime, have a happy holiday, and check back with us towards the end of
the month.

Janine
consults with her co-worker Nancy to determine which Cathy cartoon best
relates their feelings about Mondays. Further meetings are scheduled,
including a focus group.

Who
is the attractive, mysterious new woman in Purchasing? She claims she's
from the temp agency, and a quick phone call confirms that she is. So that
solves that.

The
Cathy focus group turns out to be a mistake, as much time is lost
explaining to men just what is so damn funny about Cathy in the first
place.

Veronica
is thrilled to receive the new org chart, so she can avoid the embarrassment of
accidentally flirting with someone on a lower tier.

Rebecca
shows Kim the plans for the Cathy statue to be erected in the
Lobby. The marble slab which will be carved into Cathy's protruding tongue
will weigh over 3000 pounds.

Gerald
and Willard. How gay are they?

Beverly's
interview goes horribly wrong when she reveals she prefers For Better or For
Worse. Her body will not be found.

Janet
refuses to take the hint, despite the progressively smaller desks she is placed
at.

Blueprints
for the Cathy atrium are reviewed with the city zoning commissioner, a
noted Feng Shui expert, and the president of a leading architectural firm.
Though not on the schedule, pedicures are discussed.

Louise,
the peppy, perky receptionist with the distinctive laugh that can be heard all
over the building, is fired. And thank God for that.

In
days of old, soothsayers and storytellers would travel from town to town,
setting up shop, capturing the imagination of young and old alike with
mysterious predictions of the future and fantastic tales of faraway lands.

These
days, we don't get so much of that.

We
get this guy. He sets up shop beneath our window.

He
brings his van. He brings his hose. He brings his yellow
windbreaker. He even brings his own official "Utility Work
Ahead" L'il Mister Busy Worker Man Flag Starter Kit.

He
brings a hammer.

And,
for over an hour early Wednesday morning, he HAMMERS THE HELL out of that blue
metal hose wheel in his van. Why? No one knows.

Of
all the female temps out there, how many do you think have kids? After
all, temping is a popular choice among women entering the workforce for the
first time. Housewives and stay-home Moms often find it an easier way to
jump into the job market, particularly if they don't have a whole lot in the way
of clerical skills or office experience.

I'm
sure a lot of the females reading this have young children to come home to every
day. I mean, after a long day of work, I can come home to my apartment and
curl up in a fetal ball on the kitchen floor, but not these working Moms!
They have to come home and take care of their kids, make them dinner, ask about
their day, and get in a couple hours of quality time before turning in.
That must be a giant pain in the ass.

Well,
I'm here to help! If you're a Mommy, you'll want to check out today's
special update! It's a page filled with fun activities for your
kids! It will keep them happy and occupied for hours, giving you time to
pour yourself six or seven drinks and have a few moments to yourself.

I
know it's tough for you temps out there. Your head has been hurting.
Your knees have been aching. You've had that hacking cough for six
years. You seem to be missing one or more of your limbs, and frankly,
you're concerned.

The
roughest part of temping, other than the bone-wrenching despair and the mocking
from your peers, is the lack of medical benefits. Normal people with
medical benefits don't get this. Going to the doctor costs them nothing,
they have a ten-dollar co-pay for prescriptions, they relax in lush, spacious
waiting rooms filled with interesting and up-to-date reading material... they
have it easy.

But
what about when you get sick? Or hurt? Or let's say you just
want to meet a doctor? All of that comes out of your own pocket.

Well,
I'm starting a new service on this website, just for temps, listing some common
symptoms, diagnoses, and remedies. It's free, you don't have to sit naked
on crinkly white paper, and best of all, a doctor won't jab you with one of his
instruments (this may be a drawback, actually, if you want to meet a doctor for
this very purpose).

So,
"step" right "in", the "doctor" will
"see" you now!

Symptom:
Tiny popping sounds in ears

Diagnosis:
Patient has soap bubbles in ears, the result of trying to shower in 14
seconds. This is insufficient time to to fully rinse body of soap or
body-care products.

Remedy:
Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow
time for proper showering.

NOTE:
Patient has some toothpaste on chin, too.

Symptom:
Gurgling and cramping in stomach

Diagnosis:
Patient has not eaten since consuming an un-microwaved Chicken & Cheddar
Hotpockets since breakfast at 2pm Sunday afternoon.

Remedy:
Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow
time for a proper breakfast.

NOTE:
Patient should not consider the remaining 1/8th of the Hotpockets and
half a can of warm Mr. Pibb a proper breakfast.

Symptom:
Feelings of loneliness and depression

Diagnosis:
Patient is a social outcast due to slovenly appearance, such as horribly
wrinkled pants, skirts, shirts, or blouses.

Remedy:
Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow
time for proper ironing of clothing.

NOTE:
Patient should not attempt to hold shirt or blouse tightly against body and rub
fabric really hard and fast with hand, hoping the friction will act as a
makeshift iron. This will not work. At all.

Symptom:
Burning sensation

Diagnosis:
Patient is on fire due to hastily smoked and discarded cigarette.
Cigarette exited car window, but flew back in due to high velocity winds caused
by driving 800 miles per hour. Cigarette is now trapped between patient's
back and driver's seat.

Remedy:
Patient should not hit snooze button four or five times in the morning, to allow
time for safe and leisurely nicotine intake.

NOTE:
Smoking may actually be bad for patient in other ways, such as when patient
tries to remove cigarette from mouth, cigarette filter gets stuck to bottom lip
and fingers slide up cigarette and are burned by lit tobacco.

Symptom:
Sleepiness

Diagnosis:
Patient is sleepy.

Remedy:
Patient should hit the snooze button four or five times in the morning to allow
time for extra sleep.

NOTE:
This symptom is listed simply for a twist ending for this bit. This twist
ending may cause feelings of nausea and disgust in reader. Before reading
this twist ending, please consult your doctor.

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