Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Punctuation/Sense Thrown Out Window.

"IT" BEING ME COMMITTING SUICIDE BY DRIVING A CAR INTO A RIVER OR SOMEONE ELSE COMMITTING SUICIDE BY DRIVING A CAR INTO A RIVER OR A RANDOM CAR ACCIDENTALLY FALLING INTO A RIVER ANYBODY ELSE GOT A GUESS?previously in NYC retail ads:
1. WHAT???
2. Horse's Ass over Manhattan.

What the F happened to Ashley Judd's face?

(click image and take a close look)The December/January issue of Gothamwas delivered to my desk yesterday. But before I could even open it and read what Big Idea Douche Donny Deutsch had to share in his penetrating Deutsch Mark column (more on that later in the week), I was transfixed by the above face which supposedly belongs to Ashley Judd. Either she's had some bad work done, or Gotham's photographer/retoucher/makeup artist did a really shitty job. Hopefully the latter.UPDATE: as an anon commenter wrote, it does look like the wax museum version of Ashley.previously in scary Hollywood:1. Scary Hart.2. Right Gwynnie. And I'm Martian.3. copyranter celeb dish #1.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Congrats skycaptain.

Presented without (much) comment because I'm fucking busy, some fucking retard from Oregon with help from his 2 idiot kids broke the world record for largest rubberband ball, fashioning a sphere that weighed 4,600 fucking pounds. The old record was 3,120 pounds. It took a full year of this 26-year-old's life to make the pointless orb. Now what, genius? Hopefully, you'll request that you be buried with your Sisyphean blob. (link)UPDATE: As Andrew from fungibleconvictions.com points out, this manqué was sponsored by fucking OfficeMax.previously in retarded:1. rolling grass thing.2. the Horshack Rorschach.3. Republic of China reshapes mountains for copyranter's birthday.

That's great. Did your fancy machine find that small, black umbrella I left at Grand Central Station last Friday?

Exactly whom is this ad targeting, MTA? Terrorists? Forgetful boobs like me? Nah. This ad was produced for one reason: so's that you could show off your shiny new picker-upper thingumajig. So that us subway/bus riders would nod and say "Ahh, that's why the fare keeps going up despite record MTA budget windfalls—utterly useless 'anti-terror' purchases."(photo taken by advertising brand spanker Slinky Redfoot of brandspankin.com)previous MTA posts:1. 16 million eyes...2. MTA. Very anal.

Friday, November 17, 2006

(click image)Not YOUR kids, of course. Other people's. So, I've been laughing at this photo for, like, a week straight. It is fucking brilliant. And guess what? The photog, Tierney Gearon, is a women and a mother! And you wanna know something else? That's her mother in the mask—who's a schizophrenic manic-depressive! Art is Cool! (scanned from the November Black Book)previously in Fuck You Friday:
1. Rolling Grass Thing.
2. The Horshack Rorschach.
23. Floating Bolton Head.

There's pee in your butt.

(click image)Anti-tobacco extremists thetruth.com , as part of a new "infect truth" campaign, placed ads (this one was from the December Fader) with two of the above removable yellow splash stickers in them. Citing a "1993 tobacco industry document," they claim that cigarettes contain urea, aka carbamide—a nitrogenous compound found in the urine of mammals (science is hard.). Also in the ad, to set an example, the truth infecters stuck one of the stickers over the head of the Camel cigarette camel on a deli poster.Here in NYC, most delis already smell like pee, so this guerrilla marketing would just add to the ambiance. Plus ex-smoker and Mayor/First Nanny Mike Bloomberg, who's done everything short of making smoking a felony, will now probably order a million of these babies and personally plaster 4 or 5 of 'em on every tobacco poster in the City.previously in tobacco:1. Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should. Redux.2. Taglines are DUMB: tobacco edition.3. Retro cigarette ads.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Zenith watches. Accurate. Won't destroy you.

Now that's a Unique Selling Proposition. For the Man who is tired of being destroyed, again and again, by cheap, evil Swatch® watches. Because it certainly can't be the watch quoting Nietzsche because, you know, watches can't talk. From Zenith's website:"We could think of fairy dust, just like in the fairy tales we read to our children, spreading a rain of stars over the planet. Our senses awake, our hearts pound, our eyes sparkle. This is magic. This is art. This is ZENITH!"But I worry for our studly, time-sensitive protagonist: he appears to be gazing not at stars, but into the abyss. And as Friedrich also said, if you gaze for too long, "the abyss gazes also into you."This nondestructive timepiece retails for a heart-pounding $10,874.previous watch posts:1. Trump "Signature" Watch.2. Time to egest.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Tommy Dewar's words should have been heeded by ad agency.

(click image)"...to know where not to return" indeed. I am so SICK of hard liquor makers making my head hurt before I drink their elixirs. Jesus Fucking Christ, the (fake?) man's been dead for 76 fucking years. Old Scotch? Good (theoretically. I actually hate Scotch). Old Ideas? Not Good.

They did it on Lane 23.

(click image)• Ladies, want to get pregnant? • Go bowling at Bowlmor! • Knock down pins and get knocked up! • Keep your mind in the gutter! • He'll be putting more than his fingers in the hole! • The seven-ten split never felt so good! • Automatic scoring! • Right in the pocket! • Go over the line! • Smooth black balls! • (sigh. these are as bad as the ad)(poster on E. 10th St.)

Friday, November 10, 2006

Google Image Search: "commenter"

Yes, this grassy asshole and his ride show up on the first page of the search. And unlike "journalists" with "ethics" I never argue with the Goog. The point? Well, even though this failed miserably the first time I tried it, I'm trying it again: Leave a comment here if there's something you'd like me to address. Leave a comment if you like the blog. Leave a comment if you hate the blog. Leave a comment if you'd like to see more comments from the anon "I'd Fuck Her/Him" commenter (one vote from me). Because, really, this blog is yours. And even more really, it really isn't.

oh look, White Ad People "dancing"

(click image and play "where's black waldo?")ad:tech ended Wednesday night here in NYC. No, I didn't attend and wouldn't have attended even if the organizers had paid me to pee on the above catch-phrase spewing, shakin' & fakin' morons from the dark rafters. OK, yes, you're right. Depending on the negotiations, I would have then attended.(photo by ariel waldman via adrants)

Donny Douche sits down with Ted Turner.

November's Gotham brought us Gothamists another Deutsch Mark, the monthly column that's become the can't-miss read of, well, me and Deutsch. Donny digs deep to unearth the good quotes from nutcase Turner: "You don't win people over by bombing them"; to be a success, "make people happy"; and TT's axiom, ""early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise!" (I got that tattooed on my ass this morning.)But the keenest insight came from Double D himself: "there are a few traits highly accomplished people share: humility, passion, and a sense of humor."D-squared, you're at best one for three.(above, Deutsch's executive washcloset)previous Deutsch posts:1. Cosmic blob supplants Deutsch's ego...2. Deutsch continues to break the big stories.3. Donny Deutsch Mark!4. That's Mr. 'Douche' Brittney.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Mini Naomi Campbell Terrorizes Sleeping Maid.

(AP) New York—Captured here on a surveillance camera in her maid's very red bedroom, mini Naomi Campbell was arrested this morning for mini-assault with a mini-cellphone, marking the 10th time in 8 years the tempestuous 36-year-old supermodel has been booked for battery.Said Rosalita Jones, Campbell's 493th maid in the last decade, "I felt a little something hit my cheek, and I saw little Miss Naomi standing on my chest in her tiny blue cotton structured suit. Her teeny face was very angry. I think she was yelling something about she needed a size -157 not -158. It was hard to make out exactly what she was saying."After refusing to explain why she was now under a foot tall, mini Campbell was soaked with mace by an unidentified NYPD officer and stuffed in his breast pocket for the trip to an undisclosed Manhattan North precinct. She is currently being held without bail in an empty water cooler bottle.Cotton Incorporated's President and CEO J. Berrye Worsham reportedly has already sent a size -157 of the outfit to Campbell's residence via courier.(ad scanned from WWD)previous cottoninc posts:1. Models lighter than Cotton.2. Cotton. The fabric of their size double zero lives.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Always use black type, sweetheart.

Spotted during the Republican National Convention here in NYC in 2004. They say politics makes strange bedfellows. Or, as T.S. Eliot said about elections, "The foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry." OrNancy Reagan, at a Just Say No press conference, "I didn't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs..." Or Napoleon, "In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap."That is one heck of an Inauguration Ball dress, though.

On Political Slogans.

A Chicken In Every Pot. A Car In Every Garage. That slogan, considered by many historians as the best political motto in history, got Herbert Hoover, considered by many historians as the worst president in history, elected in a landslide in 1928. By 1932, Unemployment was cooking at a 25% rate and millions of Americans didn't even have a pot to piss in.Got Guv? That's the beaut that Chicago dairy magnate Jim Oberweis used, unsuccessfully, in his bid for the Republican nomination for Governor of Illinois earlier this year.I Like Ike. Ross For Boss. My two favorites. Easy to remember and promise zilch. The perfect taglines.

How many "Trumps" are there in Trump magazine?

Yesterday, while listening to WOXY at work, I grabbed the Fall issue of Donald Trump's quarterly magazine and commenced counting exactly how times "Trump" appears in print—editorial and advertising—within its 112 pages. I count 298 times, plus 1 "Tump" typo (in editorial. I'm sure that person has been fired!).

Taglines are DUMB: New York Knicks.

The New York Knicks. Experience It."It" being:• How many times Stephon Marbury gets a "T" for kicking the ball after yet another turnover (1 and counting)• How many times coach Isiah Thomas winces in disgust (would challenge the world's top mathematicians)• How many times team disappears in 4th quarter (2 and counting)• Spike Leenot waving his towel (pretty much a constant)• Misery.previously:1. Knicks sign shooting guard to 4-year, $27 million contract.

Horse's Ass over Manhattan.

(click image)Have you heard of the new underground phenomenon sweeping the world called streethorsing? No? Well that's "music tastemaker" Steve DJ Kid Millionaire (sometimes aka Kid Thousand) Aoki, son of Rocky "Benihana" Aoki, "streethorsing" (cough. photoshopped.) over a Ford Ranchero over the DKNY billboard over the corner of Houston and Broadway over NYC. It's a handpainted billboard for Lafayette St. clothing store WESC (WE are the Superlative Conspiracy. Yes. Yes, you are.). Here, Aoki models "Clay", the world's first streethorsing jacket (will take their word for that. looks like a tracksuit to me.). It's a shot from a book called "Horse Play: A Streethorsing Retrospective" currently ranked 1,359,436 on Amazon. Coolhunting says about the book, which also features photos of Mark "gardensnake" Hunter and Jason Lee, "Whether or not the obscure subculture actually exists, the tome is filled with unbelievable photos of horses doing skateboard-like tricks..."I have only one thing to add to that: I will give 100 bucks to the first Tagger/Bomber who defaces this horse's ass. Write me.(pic of cobrasnake from brooklyn vegan.)

Friday, November 03, 2006

"Darker. No, make him DARKER."

(click image)Let's take a trip back in time. Waaay back before wassup. Old School! Back when it was good to be King. When the big decision was whether your dinner party was going to be "stag or mixed." When you could always count on Clarence to keep an eye on the Bud supply. You do have eyes, right Clarence?Note the NRA logo, lower right corner.(Budweiser ad from 1934)UPDATE: the logo is for the National Recovery Act.

181st St. station platform, A train.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Chuck Brings The Suck.

(click images)Chucks are Cool. Inexpensive and Iconic. What is not cool is this new campaign for Converse/John Varvatos clothing. If you haven't clicked the images, please do so now. Up top, you'll notice smirking pretty boy not quite covering up his "Civil Disobedience" button. Subtle. On the bottom, we have a soulless "Rebel" rocker. Why not just write "No sole to sell" in the TV dust and hit up pun-master Kenneth Cole for co-op dollars?(photos taken on Bleecker St.)previously:1. As opposed to, what? Trade pelts for them?2. CONS® and Cons.

It's not strange. You just need to come out, fella.

Visual portion of the latest print ad from local tongue-in-cheek bowling venue Bowlmor Lanes—"where everyone from Richard Nixon (!) to the Rolling Stones (!) to Cameron Diaz (?)" to every noodle-armed NYC dickhead hipster Puke has rolled. Prices now up to near 10 fucking bucks per person per game. For bowling. Well apparently, you're paying an extra fin for the warming irony.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Central Innocuousness Agency

(click image)That's the best you dolts can do—an image of the world with a bunch of boring pictures on it? YOU'RE THE C I FUCKING A. How bout Jason Bourne? Or a cool looking torture device? Pussies. Your recruitment ads give comfort to the enemy.