I’ve long explored on the fantasy level a menage a trois with Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham. Not because I find them to be particularly exciting sexually, rather because damn the conversation would be fun afterwords. I’m a fan of both though I generally don’t agree totally with either. In fact, on several issues we are diametrically opposed.

On this though, there can be no doubt. The woman is spot on. When she proclaims John McCain to stupid to know he’s been caught lying I get just a little weepy. It’s nice when someone agrees with you. Even if you don’t always agree with them. this is really quite fun….have a look

I was impressed, nay intrigued that the jaw clencher was calling out the Bushies, and then half way down the article her meds kick in and its all about the liberals again. I’m not sure if she’s suffering from schizophrenia, or if she’s really Bill Maher in drag. He should invite her on. It’s hard to get that much closeminded hatred in one room. Che Guevera and Adolph Hitler are both dead.

I’m wandering around trying to find worthless garbage masquerading as information. I just found this quack. He’s trying to tell women what their husbands celebrity crushes mean. He goes way out on a limb (sarcasm) for these babies. I think he also whacks his baloney pony to some of these gals, highbrow Dr. type or no.

hey, gee whiz wally, people think the income gap is to wide. No way, beav. Eddie was just funnin yuh. No really wally, even people making over $80,000 a year say so 2 to 1. Wow, beav. This is news? I guess the interesting part is 2/3rds say the government should fix it, and 2/3rds say the government should stay out of it. Waits 7 minutes for my readers to do the math. I think this poll was conducted by Ron Pauls bloggers.

A recent study shows women use only slightly more words than men. another battle of the sexes stereotype bites the dust, but does it really matter? What is called an “urban legend” has women using 3 times as many words as men. I think the new study is inaccurate, and I have almost incontrevertible evidence. They used me in the study. Had this not occurred the study would have found numbers in the normal range. What I want is a study that shows who listens more. That bad boy would provoke some controversy. One final note on this. I’ll believe it when misterpiece does the study and not until.

I can always count on foxnews to blow it out of proportion. So its Al Gore’s kids second arrest for drugs. So he was driving 100 mph on the freeway. Crap happens. First, like big Al says, its a private matter. I think in keeping with the spirit of this we should drop the conversation about drug use and politics. i for one think a ton of peyote buds would do a world of good on capital hill. Secondly, give me a name of someone that doesn’t drive 100 miles an hour on a southern california freeway. I’ve never seen a pterodactyl, and I’ve never seen one of those either.

CNN, in keeping with its policy of carrying only the most important stories manages to make a pretty good case for why J.K.Rowlings may kill off harry potter. I can see it happening. It’s either that or continue his slow decline into metrosexuality, and what kind of a witch gets a mani/pedi and dresses fastidiously? Actually, I’m for a gay witch trilogy to follow the currently scheduled 487 Harry Potter movies.

Dick Cheney strained his lower lumbar vertebrae while trying to remove Nancy Pelosi’s front clasp bra from behind. Dick claimed the weight was just to much for him. In a related story, tile had to be replaced in Nancy Pelosi’s office this morning after “something heavy” fell to the floor and shattered the tile. Her secretary was heard whispering to a janitor “I swear to god…they must be 46 longs.”

Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh perished today in a tragic kayak accident in Northern Alaska. The two were sponsoring a Conservative gay pride Kayak race, with money raised going to the Association to Raise Awareness Movement(ASSRAM) a conservative organization working to bring Christian Coalition members out of the closet. The bodies were not recovered. In a related stories (criminy news almost always has related stories) A local Inuit tribe is having a whale blubber raffle. It’s not clear where the blubber comes from as whale hunting is out of season.

David Duke and Wolf Blitzer kissed and made up after the fiasco on CNN. David Duke said he didn’t hate jews, and had several recipes that required them. Wolf said he would bend over and lick David Duke between the cheeks if his bosses said so. Basically, niether changed the position they held prior to their confrontation.

In a shocking turn of events Ann Coulter switched her party allegiance today, and is now calling herself Queen Libby. Apparently she has fallen stark raving bonkers for Rosie O’donnell, and can’t stop gushing as only Ann can about their impending nuptials, and their plans to have a love child. When asked about this news, Rosie O’donnell replied “blah blah blah yakkity yakkity yakkity blah blah blah and blah.” (not a paraphrase.)

checks the wire….yeah, there’s some other stuff, but we’ll save it for another day. The nice thing about my news is it works anytime.

oh…the bears…some spank monkey decided that grizzly bears are to dangerous for the idiot tourists that are invading their space so they’ve started painting them fluorescent colors…its along the russian river in alaska…look it up yourself

so In New Hampshire, you can register to vote as an independent, but only Republicans and Democrats are allowed to run in the state primary. 44% of New Hampshire’s voters are registered independent, making them one of the most independent in the country. Now if a third party can’t get a fair shake in New Hampshire…?

One more heave for the immigration bill. They vote again tomorrow on exactly the same bill that was shot down a couple of weeks ago. We the people have actually exerted enough force to scare the hell out of our representatives up for re-election. I think this one will go in the win column for the people. If not…may anarchy rule supreme, and may we all riot in the streets.

Ah yes more gun control. The issue is releasing gun purchaser data. Now interestingly enough this would be an invasion of our privacy not unlike the ones in the Patriot act. Not many liberals are screaming about this one though. They are the most wishy-washy bunch of turd eaters I’ve ever seen…all they want is to have it both ways. Looks like it will be shot down….to many rural democrats elected last time that are concerned for their seats. The democratic party isn’t all that liberal friendly anymore.

Ann Coulter and John Edwards old lady had a cat fight on MSNBC last night. Ann coulter wishes John Edwards would be killed by terrorists (it was said in a different form, which really didn’t imply she wanted the guy killed at all, but thats the media, and bloggers like me for you…never get it quite right. I wish Ann Coulter would make her living giving handjobs, and wish Mrs. Edwards would just come out and say if it wasn’t for Ann Coulter her jackass richboy husband couldn’t raise enough money for a cup of coffee. Every time Ann Speaks they put it in a newsletter and on the web, and beg for funds.

Ron Paul is going to hold a soiree in the same Building as the debate he wasn’t invited to in Iowa. On the same day. He is a fiesty little dickens, and like his people say, he’s against raising taxes, and against abortion so its unreasonable for him not to have been invited.

the ultraliberals in charge of the Senate (in this case Patrick “I should’ve been dead 10 years ago” Leahy have subpoena’d more crap from the white house and Dick. Seems they want to know how much infighting there was in the executive branch over the search warrant free wire tapping rules. I say….who cares. My phone isn’t tapped because I’m not a friggin whacko. I think the liberals just hate the pathetic administration and will try to make a case out of any moronic issue they can.

Rosie O’donnell will be back on Nip/Tuck…good plan…a little real life nip tuck is recommended…also about 18 stitches across her mouth.

yuck. I apologize to those of you she named. I can do no more than that. I’ll not honor the rest of it with any comment, but i did steal my stuff back

Ron Paul…he isn’t a libertarian. i could go into all the reasons why, but then you wouldn’t go to http://vote-smart.org and make up your own mind.

Ann Coulter…stupid. She has found a niche that made her rich, and all she had to do was be nasty. I can be nasty. Of course I don’t have that horse-faced inbred look.

Mike Moore…a journalist. but his new documentary sicko has enough truth in it to make it worth the view, just like all his documentaries. Now its true I wouldn’t put him out if he was burning, but he still manages to catch my attention.

Sean Hannity…a pragmatist. Given a chance to appeal to the decent sensibilities of intelligent people, Sean would pass and continue to preach to the choir with his nitwit vitriolic warmongering. Face it Sean, if it wasn’t for my boy Alan (god what a geek) Colmes you’d be just another pasty faced Irish conservative talking on the radio.

George Bush…a bad guy. You can hate him all you want. You can think he’s stupid. But do you really down in your heart after watching the guy think that he has ill intent? I can see where he might be a little to easily led by the people he trusts, but I think ol George is as decent a man as has ever been president. Remember Jimmy Carter? he was a decent guy. shitty president. Just like George.

Paris Hilton…she just isn’t. Her 30 to 50 million future inheritance is real. The cameras that chase her around are real. The idiots that make her the star of their daily quest for titillation are real. Turn off the camera’s though and Paris disappears…completely.

Hillary Clinton…a liberal. Hillary Clinton is a politician par excellance. She would bang every ungulate from here to poughkeepsie if the bestiality vote would get her made president. Remember Bill? Stone cold liberal till he got elected. Then he became moderate Bill pushing through the Republican agenda like no conservative president ever has. Hillary is cut from the same cloth. Its why they hate each other.

Al Sharpton…a man of god. A man of god would work to bring people together under the lord. Al Sharpton is s your typical for us by us black preacher. Tawanda Brawley leaps to mind. For those of you to young to remember her, she is why Al Sharpton stayed out of the Duke lacrosse team rape case.

Martha Stewart: dumb or weak. This woman is as popular as she ever was with the middle class. This after an insider trading scandal that made her look like a have greedily succumbing to the temptation to take advantage of her position in life. Normally this would have her burned in effigy, instead, she’s who all the little Rachel Ray’s wanna be when they grow up.

Wolf Blitzer….a Wolf. This boy is as sheep as it gets…. CNN has a ring in his nose and a finger up his a.. you know what I’m talking about. This guy couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the “c” and the “t” without some exec at CNN coaching him first

About the only difference between today and every other weekday is that for some unknown reason I did a 180 on the way to the bathroom upon rising. This confused the hell out of mollie the mooch. Not really knowing what to do the poor pooch did what she does when she’s confused and sat down. Roscoe, perpetually bringing up the rear in our little love caravan failed to notice my abrupt change of direction, and failed to yield. This created the hilarious for me, disconcerting for mollie, and intolerable for roscoe result of Mollie sitting on Roscoe’s head. I can’t really tell you in words, but seeing a cockerpoodle with a rabbit thrashing around in its butt is a vision that every day should start with.

On to talents. Do you have one? Wanna share? I do. Have one. I’m sharing because I didn’t feel like playing poker, and its to hot to do anything that is not incredibly sedentary. My talent is I’m a prick. I can annoy a person in 15 seconds or less, piss em off in under a minute, and have them in a spittle flying apopleptic rage in well under 10.

This doesn’t pay well as talents go. I mean, its not getting loot like a Vincent Van Gogh original, but he was dead before the cashola started to flow. Its not drawing pay like a fortune 500 executive either, but it has good bennies. People are always incredibly fun to watch. They will do the damnedest things if they think no one is looking. Mad though, upset, annoyed; then they are at their finest.

There is really no joy in life like watching a normally calm, sane human being completely losing their cool over a few words. I don’t do anything else. It’s not really all that iunteractive a sport. Just speak and watch the games begin. The reason I’m good at it is really quite simple. It’s easy.

People lack self control. They are so used to having things go the way that they want; when faced with anything out of the ordinary they become first defensive, then offensive, and then downright assinine. i love it. Its better than sex with a monkey.

There are several gambits to the game. Its not chess mind you, but maybe conversationally instigative checkers. My favorite is to be over nice. I’m not sure why this one works so well, but if their is one thing folks can’t stand its someone being nice to them. I mean real nice. I mean ass kissing, brown nosing, sycophantically nice. This probably only works for me because it makes people wonder whats coming. I’m so rarely nice to anyone outside of my household that it gives people the creeps when I am.

Another one is to agree with everything someone says, and repeat it like its wisdom from the almighty. This one performs well at work. Unless you work with a closet insecurity freak that acts like an egomaniac. They love this.

One I used just yesterday is maybe the easiest to get the opportunity to use. Find some pompous windbag that’s obviously overly fond of him/herself, and just make observations about their character. Nothing extreme mind. Just point out how insecure they seem. That sort of thing. I had The vindictive bastard.wordpress.com so mad i know it took a bottle of windex to clean his screen. Tormenting the obnoxious is fun. Tormenting the semi-literate obnoxious is what makes life worth living.

My book how to torment others is available for the low low price of $14.95 at all your better bookstores.

1. I’m pretty sure the reason alcoholism is a rampant sickness in our society is because it makes human interaction almost tolerable.

2. Albania likes us. That being the case it makes it real easy to wonder what the hell is wrong with the rest of Europe. My vote is jealousy. Na na na na boo boo. You don’t like us because you want to be us. You want to shower more than once a week. You want to brush your teeth. You want to have leaders that aren’t deviants, retards, and criminals. Well, so do we on that last one.

3. Congress has the effrontery to tell me that I need a 700 odd mile fence on my over 1500 mile southern border. Ok, so build a fence to keep your dog in. Leave several gaps in it. does it work? How can you not chuckle?

4. Gun control is the one issue I think I can have an impact on so pay attention. Get a good sight picture. Breathe in….release the breath and squeeze (don’t pull) the trigger. I have now done my part on one of the great issues facing our society. Use it in good health.

5. My dog is fat, fluffy, and lazy. She makes me get up at odd hours to take her out to relieve herself. She barks incessantly when i’m not home which makes the neighbors complain. She follows me literally everywhere. you can’t divorce your dog, but I did get rid of a wife that behaved almost exactly the same way.

6. To all you sullen Ron Paul fans that come, read, and leave pissed off because I think he looks like Henry Gibson, or has the people skills of Elmer Fudd. Get over it. I’m just being a jilted fan. His stance on imperialism is right on, but he is not as so many of you like to say….a libertarian. Go to vote-smart. org, and read up on your diminutive dynamo. The man is at least 7 turnips shy of a truckload.

7. Breakfast is by far the most important meal of the day. Today I had a cuba libre’ and some cheese popcorn. I feel like a million bucks. Well, like 32 bucks and some change, but thats progress.

8. Nascar has a rain delay for the second week in a row. Ted does not like nascar. Ted does not like anything. Ted is a spoiled rotten omnipotent brat, and should be excoriated in all the newspapers of the land. Its good to be irreverant on Sunday. Its a day of rest, and their is nothing more restful than twisting the tail of the created by man creator.

9. Love is a four letter word that is defined “someone else doing things exactly the way you want them to.”

I can live without it.

10. If the French have finally realized that socialism is an invalid theory, and they have judging by the conservative landslide in their parliamentary elections, does that mean we can now put that baby to bed in Europe? Or is the dumbest, laziest, dirtiest nation in Europe just trying to keep up with the brits? Hard to say. If they all start riding around naked on their bicycles we’ll have our answer.

11. Ferrets attack more people than grizzly bears. I know this is true because I saw it on a mountain dew commercial.

12. My dentist wants 4 digits to work on my teeth. Thats not so bad. I just won’t buy gas this week.

13. Its over. For the 39th time in 3 days its over. I haven’t figured out what it is yet, but I’m not defecating what looks like thick lemonade anymore, so i think its a good thing.

14. You have just wasted 10 minutes of your day if you read all of this. Thats assuming that if you’re reading this you have to sound out the long words, and read while moving your lips. You should maybe do something else now.

15. Remember….you can’t change anything. You have no power. Control is only an illusion, and your life is slowly spiralling into the fiery pits of hell. Chaos will rule supreme in your existence, and life will never be as good for you as it was yesterday. That being said, you still as a species are amusing as hell. Please continue.

according to spellcheck I didn’t mispell anything. Find a deep hole and pray. Armageddon is upon us.

I try to be moderate in my viewpoints. I also try to curtail my opinion when I disagree with something someone else does or says. I almost never comment on other writers, because….well….a lot of them are idiots, and you don’t make any friends calling people idiot.

Michelle Malkin….you are an idiot. You may be cute, but you’re still an idiot. I read one of this wenches articles today, and I came away with this utterly amazed feeling. Not at the depth of her persuasive ability. Not at her obvious astuteness. i was amazed that the Washington Times actually paid this overeducated elitist to write this swill.

Seems Michelle is a little worried that all the allah lovers are teaching their kids to kill whitey, and were teaching ours to be wussies. Its quite true. Thats almost exactly whats happening. In middle America. In the public schools of our suburbs, maybe. The muslims do teach their children about Jihad from the time they pull em off the camels teat. They’ve been doing it for generations. War in the middle east is like saturday cartoons here. They keep getting worse, and they never end.

I guess where my problem comes in is in wondering what we should do. Help me out Michelle. Shall we have M-16 training in kindergarten? Should all our politicians rattle the sabre? Can you see Ron Paul threatening anyone? “Be vewwwy vewwy quiet….wewe hunting muswims…..hehehehehehehehe.”

I don’t think I want my children trained to hate anyone. I’ll grant our schools suck. I’d go so far as to say the government wastes almost every tax dollar they sink into the public schools. I live in the inner city though. All I can say is I’d pit my streetwise scumbags against the ayatollahs assholes any old day. The kids in my neighborhood don’t lack for balls, and the kids in Michelle’s neighborhood aren’t going to fight our wars anyway.

So do me a favor you wafer thin sorority sister nitwit. Move your column to the society page, or talk some sense.

Like Baskin Robbins, politics has a flavor of the day. In the republican party, or rather for a fringe element of them its Ron Paul. For the Democrats, it changes like I change socks. For all concerned, the flavor is faith, and how sweet it is to broadcast your beliefs on all the cable network news shows. I was watching tonight; (and I confess to ignoring most of it), the three top candidates from the democrats discussing their faith on CNN’s faith forum.

Here I should point out that I have a lackadaisical attitude toward faith. I have faith, but I limit it to those things that are almost certain to happen whether I believe they will or not. Like the sun coming up, my children asking for $150.00 shoes, or me hurling if I chase my tequila with a vicodin. Its not a spiritual thing with me. I do pray though. I like to think of it as chatting with Ted. It usually goes something like this.

Me: Uh, lord?

God: I told you to call me Ted.

Me: Yeah, but it feels a little wierd.

God: I’m god, your wierdness isn’t my problem.

Me: true.

God: so what’s up?

Me: The usual. I’m confused about you really.

God: Do tell?

Me: Well, what is it you do?

God: I’m omnipotent.

Me: Do tell?

God: I can do anything.

Me: Really? Like cure aids? end famine? stop wars?

God: I could do all those on a slow Tuesday.

Me: really?!?! Then why don’t you?

God: I gave man free will. If you folks want it fixed…. fix it.

Me: (thinks) ok, so what do you do?

God: I’m omnipotent.

Me: But what does that entail?

God: I created the universe in 6 days. Then took a day off.

Me: Then what?

God: (thinks) I had immaculate conception with Mary, then 33 years later I gave my only begotten son that man would be saved.

Me: from what? Saved from what?

God: Nobody ever asked that before…I’ll ruminate on it.

Me: Then what?

God: Then nothing. I’m waiting.

Me: For what?

God: For man to love his fellow man, for the rich to care for the poor, for the church to care for the unsaved, for all mankind to love one another.

Me: You got hopes.

God: Nope. I have a hammock, a never ending six pack, and you to pick on.