Hey dw1972+, you posted some serious question whose answer is central part of healing journey for many of us. There are many reasons why we are left fragile vulnerable, feeling isolated from others and under such conditions that many times we are trying to reenact experience that could be similar to original abuse comparing destructive forces and submissive feelings - that is my perspective. To say it by simple language - it looks like some demons are left which are taking control from time to time over our loves and many years later. Your topic reminded me of one another that I've seen just recently and there I wrote something that I would like to repeat here. So here is the link maybe it would be helpful for you to read it. Keep sharing!

Why do we try to relive something that injured us so much?...... .So why do we want, need, are compelled to try to recreate this over and over when it can really fuck things up?

Hey dw,

I can only relate what my T told me: Whether straight or gay, we try to recreate our CSA because unconsciously we are seeking to control a situation where we had NO control. And also believing that perhaps we can cause it to have a different outcome.

I can attest to the fact that whatever its purpose, "hooking up with and having anonymous sex with guys", did nothing but re-enforce my sense of shame and worthlessness. Once understanding that, I quit cold turkey and will never go back to it.

Jude

_________________________
I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

I've thought about that too. I'm fairly new here. I think I can say this not only for me. It relives in us. It's a permanent wound inside of us that will never disappear. It can be well-cared for with love and help. But it's just there. I don't think we relive it as much as it relives us.

In honesty I didn't say this first. I may not have said it completely. A member on here that I met in AA meeting said it in the meeting. When I first noticed him was the day he shared his csa and asa in the AA meeting. I've been doing everything I could to avoid even thinking about my csa. But he just sat there when he started sharing and told a whole lot. I had a anxiety attack and left the meeting. Thought I was dying. But it got better. After the meeting I went to him and told him about what happened to me. He referred me here. He always is a constant in my life now too.

So I may not remember exactly how he said it. Alcohol helped me to try to stop knowing about it. But a few months back I decided to give up the alcohol. Then the pain of it was worst. When he explained it this way in the meeting. It makes sense. No real survivor is thrilled to relive it. Even dysfunctional survivors that enjoy the s&m to relive it, I doubt if they went back to those times they would choose to relive it all again.

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