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Saturday, May 31, 2014

Many of you know that I haven't been terribly happy at my job as of late. In fact, I believe I used the word "miserable". While I can't say things have gotten worse, they haven't gotten better either. I've tried talking to my Manager, to my General Manager, to my HR rep, to other members of management in my department. Everyone tells me their hands are tied. Even those who acknowledge that there are issues claim there's nothing they can do to improve the situation.

I've come to hate that phrase "my hands are tied". Mostly because I don't believe it anymore. I used to. But I just have a really hard time believing that no one in management can do a darn thing about it. It's that they don't want to.

Add to that the fact that shortly before I left on maternity leave my company made a major announcement that will have a direct impact on my job, a major impact on my job, and I'm in a sort of career limbo.

We're in process of reviewing all of our options, both if I stay and if I leave, and trying to determine what's best for our family. Unfortunately it's difficult to make the decision because my company is waiting a few more months to reveal all the details about how my position is impacted by the announcement, and we need some of those details to help us make a decision.

So, quite frankly, it's a bit stressful. I hate not knowing. The limbo is frustrating and for me, stressful. I'm a security gal. I need the security of knowing what's going to happen. But right now that's kinda impossible.

So that's an update on the job front. As always, thanks for checking in.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

So as I mentioned in my last post, Jillian arrived roughly two weeks ago, nearly three weeks early.

one of our first family pictures

I had gone in to see my Ob for my pre-op appointment in preparation for my scheduled C-section, but all of my labs came back borderline. Everything.

My sugar was controlled with insulin, but borderline. My blood pressure was technically high, but just by a couple of points. The protein in my urine came in just barely over what they want to see. And... I'm pretty sure they checked some other things too, but am blanking on what they were right now. The main thing is that every single thing that they checked came in as borderline problem.

So borderline, in fact, that my regular Ob didn't feel comfortable making the decision himself. He sent me home with instructions to pack my hospital bag, rest, and wait for him to call with further instructions after he consulted with other doctors in the practice. He consulted with two other doctors, then called me himself telling me they had booked the OR for me the following morning.

Unfortunately since it was unexpected, we didn't get my regular Ob, as he wasn't on the schedule for hospital rotation that day, but all of the physicians in the practice are fantastic, so no biggie really.

Jason was on shift, so took off the last 12 hours so he could come home and be home the night before. My parents met us at the hospital and stayed in the waiting room with Jena while waiting. My sister and my mother-in-law were also there.

Pre-op schtuff went as expected & planned. No worries there.

I will tell you that the spinal hurt more than I anticipated. Getting my epidural when Jena was born is one of the parts of her birth that is still blacked out of my memory, so I had no frame of reference. All I knew is that the anesthesiologist told me that after the numbing shot there shouldn't be any pain, only pressure.

Liar.

In fact, turns out where I'm feeling pain helps them know whether or not it's going in correctly. So seriously... liar. LOL.

The C-section itself was less pain than I anticipated. Everyone I had talked to - both medical personnel and other C-section mommas - had told me that I would feel so much pressure that it was painful. Not for me. No pain, and barely any pressure to speak of.

What was unexpected was how much nausea I had. The anesthesiologist told me it's from my blood pressure dropping from the spinal, and is fairly common. Yeah, I was really sick.

The most amazing, wonderful thing is that I was aware of everything and I remember everything. All of it. When they placed her on my chest. The look on my husband's face. The sound of her first cry. Overhearing the doctor's comments, the nurses' conversations. All of it. All of it is wonderful. Every second.

All of those things that I missed during Jena's birth, that I blacked out during, that the PTSD has still blocked from my memory, that I have so much guilt over not remembering, that I've always felt that I missed out on. I didn't miss them this time. I experienced all of them, and I remember it all. And that is such an amazing gift that I thank the Lord for.

***********************

As a side note about remembering the doctor's comments: he was a bit disappointed. He really believed Jillian would break his record for the largest baby he'd ever delivered, and he fully anticipated her weighing in at 12 lbs.

She "only" weighed 10 lbs 8 oz.

The placenta weighed nearly as much.

That's right folks, I literally lost 20 lbs in the span of about 20 minutes, LOL.

Friday, May 2, 2014

So I’ve made a parenting decision that seems to be stirring
a bit of trouble. Ends up neither set of grandparents like the decision, and my
mother-in-law actually finds it “rude”.

What could this be?

Well, I decided from the beginning that Jena would not be
forced to give hugs or kisses as a greeting. Even to us. Even to grandparents.

This was a deliberate, thought-out decision.

My thinking is that I don’t ever want to teach my daughter
that anyone has the right to obligate, coerce, or force her to show physical
affection. Anyone. Including me.

My hope is that this type of thinking will stick to her,
long past her childhood years, into her teenage years, into dating, and relationships,
and quite frankly throughout the rest of her life.

In fact, dear readers, let me reiterate this teaching for
you, in case no one ever told you:

No one has the right to obligate, coerce, force, or shame
you to extend or receive physical affection. No one.

It’s not something that I plan on backing down from. I understand
there are those who disagree; those who think that children should be taught to
give hugs & kisses as greetings, especially to family members.

That’s okay. We’re just gonna have to agree to disagree.

With Jena, I can tell you it’s probably about a 50/50 shot
whether or not she gives hugs. Kisses are very rare. This is whether it is me,
Jason, my parents, or my mother-in-law. Outside of that circle, your chances of
receiving physical affection of her of any sort are very slim.

And I’m okay with that.

Are there times when I would like a hug & a kiss instead
of an outstretched hand followed by a loud “BYE!” ? Sure there are. She’s my daughter.
I’d smother her with affection on a regular basis. Except she’s not comfortable
with that. And I respect that.

Not all family members do

.

My parents have decided to respect our parenting decision,
but they also let us know that it sometimes hurts their feelings if she doesn’t
want to give them a hug or kiss.

My mother-in-law recently described Jena’s behavior as “rude”
and “disrespectful”. When pressed for examples, not giving a hug or kiss every
time they see each other was one of only two she could provide. And she’s upset
that we don’t “correct” her behavior.

I’ll be honest, I’m
not sure how to handle this. I certainly don’t want my child to be truly rude
or disrespectful, to anyone, let alone her grandmother. But I also am not backing
down on this issue either. And since we’ve previously explained our stance on
this, and why, to ask Jena to do otherwise, or to ask us to “correct” her
behavior when she’s following the guidelines we’ve set forth, is quite disrespectful to us as her parents.

At the same time, MIL appears to be quite upset about the “respect” issue, and
since this is only one of two issues she brought up, part of me feels compelled
to act. I just don’t know how.

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