http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com |
The nine leading contenders for the 2004 Democratic nomination mysteriously disappeared "sometime over the weekend," an FBI spokesman said today, noting that a full two days had passed before anyone noticed.

The Democratic hopefuls were last seen at a poorly attended candidates' forum in Manchester, New Hampshire last Friday that received no coverage from the cable news networks or even C-SPAN.

Some time after that, the FBI said, the candidates appeared to have vanished into thin air, but since no one reported their disappearance for days, "the trail has gone completely cold."

"People often ask, how could someone disappear into thin air without anyone noticing they're gone?" said FBI spokesman David Bixby. "The answer is, easy, if you're Howard Dean."

Dr. Charles Renseler, a forensic psychologist at the University of Minnesota, theorizes that the trauma of being ignored by 280 million Americans may have caused all nine of the candidates to suffer from what he called "mass amnesia syndrome."

"Since no one in the country knows who these candidates are, they may have forgotten who they are, too," Dr. Renseler said.

In particular, Dr. Renseler added, "they probably cannot remember how they voted on the war in Iraq."

While Dr. Renseler theorizes that the nine Democrats may be wandering the backwoods of New Hampshire, hungry, tired and disoriented, their extended disappearance may actually have a positive impact on their approval ratings.