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April 5, 2011

There really isn’t a segue from not reading about threesomes and then all of a sudden reading about them, so let’s just start reading and talking about them.

I was thinking about threesomes the other day. Personally, I’ve never had a threesome. I have spent many years studying them in the movies. Just countless hours studying them for subtle nuances. After much consideration, I believe I have come to many conclusions concerning them… many coming conclusions and here are my thoughts.

Threesomes are a fantasy.

Threesomes are the greatest fantasy because that is what it is a FANTASY. Threesomes aren’t real or at least they shouldn’t be. The idea of a threesome without the actual threesoming is a living nightmare in sheer construction and actually pulling it off is near impossible. I know they’ve happened. I know people have done them. I know that people who are reading this have had threesomes, but it is a fucking fantasy world the threesome and everything surrounding it is chaos and it never works out.

Threesomes are like running a marathon. Intense preparation and it simply cannot be accomplished as the person you are. Things need to be changed. You need to make sacrifices. Most will not be able to successful run a marathon nor have sex with two people at once in their lifetime. It can be a lot of hell, but very fulfilling, but again leave you empty as do you become a “one hit wonder” or do you become a regular marathon running threesome haver?

There are two types of threesomes out there that I know of: the classic two girls and a guy, or the Devil’s threesome two guys and a girl. Equally is as implausible and a headache.

As mentioned, I know that there are people who have had threesomes. Probably some are happening right now as they are reading this. Maybe they started reading my words and they thought “hey, why not? Let’s prove him wrong!” and the three started fucking. Maybe they were so overcome by the sexiness that I posted at all and started having sex with two other strangers or two familiars who have never had strange 3 person sex before. But accomplishing any threesome has its fall out.

Let’s say you pull off a threesome. Let’s say you have actually pulled it off. For a girl – let’s be honest you’re a whore. Or at the very least you are a lovely woman with whorish tendencies. You are a lovely, tax paying, charitable, gregarious, pleasant smelling, potential mothers of the future generations of this fair human race… who love genitals in their face and all over their butt. Either, you went down on a girl or a girl went down on you, so now you could be a lesbian because dicks weren’t enough for you. Maybe it was your guy. You had a guy and you brought in another girl. What type of girl shares her man with another girl? Or what if you were the other girl? Who crawls into bed with another woman’s man? Or let’s say he was totally random, so there you are fucking a random dude with another girl? And, of course, if it is two men then you can’t possibly get enough penis in and out of you at one time that you needed to instill the help of another. I’m not saying these ladies can’t also be doctors and President’s of Fortune 500 companies, but let’s get real… you hear Martha Stewart took two dicks in the butt – you’re thinking whore.

For a dude, well there are two outcomes. One you’re gay and let’s be honest here fellas, nothing is more troubling than a straight man then dealing with idea of maybe being gay. That is terrifying to men. Honestly, terrifying. For many reasons, it feels like you’ve been living a lie up until that moment. If all this time you were hooking up with girls, but you would have been perfectly satisfied with blowing dudes… well, I’m sure you would feel like you kind of fucked up those previous years of your life. If sex is sex to you then it’s got to be a sickening feeling knowing you wouldn’t have had to sit through night after night of dealing with chick bs at bars and instead could have gone to a gay bar and basically gotten laid whenever. It’s almost like a shot, drink and penis special at every gay bar. If you’re walking out alone it’s because you want to. So there’s that. On the other hand, if you had sex with two women at one time then I would imagine it has to lead to troubles down the line because why would you want to stop. If you have experienced two women at one time and everything went ok then why would you ever want to be with just one again? That is just a completely unreasonable idea. And if things did go wrong then they went wrong plus your penis is still unsatisfied by sex with only one woman and it’s usually pretty difficult just to convince one of them to fuck you at a time let alone two. As far as, guys being whores? Yeah, 99% guys are whores/would love to be whores. That’s in a guy’s nature. To only be a whore. To have sex with so many different women to be considered a whore, is on many men’s bucket lists.

That’s if you accomplish it! If you’re successful! But you can be unsuccessful in this venture a million times over. Just the idea of it has to be unsettling.

Imagine you’re the lone sex in this threesome equation.

You’re the guy with the two girls or you’re the girl with two guys. Holy shit! How much does it suck to be that when you’re not having sex with them?! Oh my God! I hate being the only guy at a table with chicks. Holy shit I feel alone. I feel outnumbered and alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say or how they’ll react or which one I want to sleep with more and letting her know that without alerting the other one just incase she’s into me too. They’re talking about old boyfriends and I’m a schmuck just like their boyfriends. Ugh, my old boyfriend loved videogames. I like videogames. And he read comic books. I like comic books. And he was always wearing flannel. I’m wearing a flannel shirt right now. All he cared about was his favorite sport: baseball. All I care about is my favorite sport: football. Whew, we’re different – he’s a lame-o. It is horrible. I don’t watch Gossip Girl. I’m not sure what day it is if I’m supposed to hate the Kardashians or not. What do I know about Twilight? If I know too much then they want to paint my toe nails, if I know too little then I’m a caveman, if I know too medium then I’m apathetic and/or lying. Also, how could you possibly stand hearing two girls talk for a single second knowing that they’re both supposed to suck on your penus in a few hours. I think my head would explode. Just shut up about your cats! Kiss her! Take your clothes off! I don’t watch “American Idol” and no I don’t admit to anyone I think Paul Rudd is cute because I want to fuck you and her at the same time, so eat your spaghetti faster!

As for girls, same situation.

Oh yeah, girls love listening to two guys talk. Oh yeah, they love hearing guys talk about guy stuff. Nothing turns a girl on faster than hearing two dudes ramble about dude things. Oh really, you have season tickets to the Giants? Please will you two continue talking about that for 100 hours! Oh you both loved pro-wrestling as kids! Oh you both play Call of Duty! Yeah, that is a clever username. Yeah, The Shield was the best show on TV. Hahahah, you both have met Don Mattingly. Oh please tell that story as I get all wet over here. Just stick your dicks in me and shut the fuck up! Christ! You’re like two giant children who shave and have penises I want. I don’t care about how you drive to work! How on Earth could a conversation about what exit you take on the parkway go on for 15 minutes?! Just whip out your dongs already! Ladies have to know the best way to shut a man up is to fuck him. Seriously, if you stick a man’s dick inside you – anywhere – then like 99% of them will shut up immediately. It becomes like they’re in a Charlie Chaplin film all faces with no words. For guys, sex is like taking all the feelings a man could possibly have – happiness, love, anger, sadness, insecurity, badassness and so forth – and sticking it at the tip of a poll of blood that is so indefensible and then jamming it into the most pleasurable bear trap. What you don’t know – men’s penises are sensitive to two things: wetness and EVERYTHING. So your mouth feels amazing and your teeth feel like razor wire. Your vageen feels amazing and the stubble from hair – razor wire again. Guys usually get quiet during sex because it is like going through a haunted house led by your penis.

As for guys that talk during sex, they’re probably the same guys who talk at urinals. Just shut up dude.

As for the other situation, you’re going to be the third wheel or you’re going to wonder why the fuck is that other person even around?

If you’re the dude and you and the chick are feeling each other – why the fuck is that other dude here? Get the fuck out of here guy! Don’t you see I’m going to fuck this girl!?! Fucking move along. Or if you’re the girl, can this bitch just get the hell out of here? She’s not even that pretty anyway.

And… the reverse. If you’re the girl and you are attracted to the other girl then the guy is a nuisance. And if you’re a dude and you like the other dude, then you’re already thinking about buying a new pair of leather pants and getting down to some dude fucking. Hey chick, grow a penis and meet us back here in 10 minutes because the two of us will be already knee deep in boner time.

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9 Responses to “Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex”

I think threesomes are implausible for some people. (Probably for those that use words like “implausible”…) I mean, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely I guess, but I’m pretty sure I’d get jealous and a little needy. I mean, one second the dude’s all into me and then just when things are getting good “time out, move aside, I’m into your friend”. Ouch. That’s asking for a self-esteem meltdown of Chernobyl proportions. Suddenly I morph into the dog that starts clawing frantically at you when you stop petting them for 5 seconds. That wouldn’t be awkward at all, right?

Pro tip: I find the best way to get someone to sex me is to make them think of me as a dog.

I guess I forgot about 3 dudes doing it and 3 girls doing it. That probably works out like gangbusters. I don’t know. I was really just thinking about the dynamic of girls and guys and more girls and guys. Everyone being involved.

I was really trying to follow along here. There was a lot of typing typing typing with just enough words like “dong” to keep me from skimming or anything. I was kind of squinting at the laptop, really trying to visualize it all.

I think it would sound like a better idea if I were drunk. And rested. Eh, probably still not. I don’t have the attention span.

I’d like to think Martha Stewart gets two dicks at once sometimes. Go, Martha, good for you! Not in the butt at the same time, though, that’s like an X-Games move. I wouldn’t think she was whorish, either. As long as it’s all consenting adult humans, I’m just happy for people when they’re enjoying their hobbies.

It’s only a hobby if you don’t get paid for it. If you do get paid for it, then just like every other job in the world it probably becomes a big drag two weeks into the whole endeavor.

I once edited a resume (not mine) to include “dog fucking” under hobbies. Then I got super paranoid that I saved that copy over the original and had to keep checking it OCD-style to make sure it didn’t show up on the one that was sent out. The 30 minutes of paranoia wasn’t worth the five minutes of insane giggling I got out of the whole thing.

I must be more mentally dude than chick sometimes, because if threesomes make me a whore I’m all up with that shiz. They’re fun, but you’re a little bit right about the whole dynamics issue – the other woman never really acts the same around you after you’ve done that with her. I’ve never been the ‘other woman’ so I’m not sure if that’s a common thing, or just because they were really really drunk and kind of regretted it in hindsight. I didn’t, it was superfun and if I found the right chick I’d do it again.

And yes Mr Cledbo I know you’re reading this, so before you bring it up – my ugly/pretty rule still stands! (i.e she can’t be too ugly, but also can’t be prettier than me).