The former British prime minister Tony Blair has said his decision to step down as peace envoy to the middle east was motivated by “the offer of a much more interesting role as war ambassador to the region.”

Blair’s tenure as peace envoy was always troubled by accusations that he was the wrong man for the job. Partly because he had previously been involved in destroying quite a bit of the Middle East, and partly because he achieved fuck-all in 8 years.

But after quitting the post yesterday, he told reporters “I’ve assessed my options to contribute to the world and decided – by which I mean ‘have been offered a much better salary’ – to spread war and discord instead.

It has emerged this morning that, much to your shame, your parents are now considered to be the epitome of cool.

After that suede skirt of your mum’s (which she bought in M&S in 1973) took the fashion world by storm, it was decided that from now on all new designs would be run past her sharp, commercial eye.

Simultaneously, the news that your father’s Dad Bod is now the very definition of sexy has had hordes of fashionistas following him round, recording his ill-advised diet, lack of exercise regime and dress-sense, for the purposes of

Islamic State militants announced today that they would be taking over the curating and preservation of the UNESCO World Heritage Site of Palmyra, the ruins of which are amongst the most important in the ancient world.

The IS spokesman for antiquities, Abdul ‘the beheader’ Aziz, said “People think that all we do is go around barbarically destroying anything that doesn’t fit a very specific and medieval version of Islam. But that’s not true.

“For instance, as an archaeologist, I am fascinated by the Temple of Bel, even if it is a place of heathen worship, and… oh hang on, sorry, I think that explosion was probably the temple. Well, to be fair, we probably had to do that one.

It has emerged that the Prince of Wales and the leader of Sinn Fein seem to have had their minds transposed into one another’s bodies, during yesterday’s historic handshake.

An aide to Prince Charles said his suspicions were aroused when the Prince made a series of “extremely worrying” phone calls last night, in a thick Irish accent, during which he uttered several apparently coded statements such as ‘Big Fish has reached the Blarney Stone’ and ‘the Guinness has a potato in, Operation Shamrock is a Go’.

Associates of Gerry Adams had also noticed something was amiss when he failed to attend “a certain meeting at midnight in a carpark”, and was instead “found in a field poshly lecturing a plot of lettuces about

Nineteen people have been killed and more than 100 arrested, after a vicious gun-battle between rival Segway gangs in Texas.

Police confirmed that opposing factions, the Gadget-addicts and the Green-businessmen Gang, met in a large Walmart carpark to settle a turf dispute. An ensuing gun-battle between hundreds of Segwayers was described by witnesses as “All out war”.

David Cameron has insisted today that the Conservatives will meet their pre-election pledges on NHS funding because “there’s bound to be shitloads of cash down the back of hospital sofas.”

The prime minister said “Look, you know how it is, you sit down and maybe 20p rolls out of your pocket, gets stuck between the cushions, and you don’t find it till months later when you strip the cushions off to make a fort.

SO much more fun if you know you’re likely to crack your head open at the bottom

Well, just got here today, and the prospects seemed really exciting. It’s no Yosemite, but it is very high up.

First thing I did was scale the pearly gates, which is quite hard as there’s not much grip on pearl. Was ace, although this bearded dude kept jangling his keys and shouting at me to come down and walk in like everyone else. I was like ‘No way dude!’

Just look at those eyes – it can’t wait to sink its fangs into a kangaroo’s jugular

Barnaby Joyce, Australian agricultural minister, is on a mission to personally murder the dogs belonging to Johnny Depp, according to the British media.

Depp took his dogs on his private jet when he flew in to Australia last month, to film ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 37: Now it’s just getting stupid’. Crucially however, he neglected to declare he was bringing in the animals.

Joyce said “That bloody Depp’s got to pay! I’m going to string those dogs up by the bollocks, and slit ’em down the front with a blunt knife, then chuck the entrails on a barby and

They’re a sorry bunch, but just remember: it could be so SO much worse

Following Ed Miliband’s disastrous defeat last week, we bring you an update on all the candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring for the leadership of the Labour party.

Chuka Umunna: Umunna has really won over the youth vote, with his description of West End nightclubbers as ‘trash’. He has been described as the British Barack Obama, not because he resembles the American president, nor has similar politics, but largely because white people can’t name any other black political figures.

Joseph Stalin: Often described as being ‘hard left’, Stalin has vowed to