Wednesday, 29 May 2019

Godzilla: King Of The Monsters is a fucking disgrace. It is boring, messy and galactically stupid. It is not so much written as shat, and less directed than allowed to splatter onto the screen with all the nuance, skill and visual flair of a bucket of sick dropped from a great height. It is the worst film I've seen for at least three years. With a budget of around $200 million, it is a convincing argument for the cessation of all filmmaking. It has spunked an absolute fortune on making the world a worse place, and when you think of what could have been done with that money it seems only fair that the team behind it should be jailed for life. Its setup and exposition are so rushed and garbled that it is impossible to understand what the point of any of it is. The characters are all idiots, written so badly that their aims and intentions are a mystery for the entire duration. What the fuck. They make stupid decisions and do not deserve to survive. None of them are remotely sympathetic or realistic and I hate them all, especially the one who is just there to say something funny every now and again. What a cunt. There is a dysfunctional family because there has to be, and it consists of Stoic Dad, Cold Mum and Brave Daughter. Stoic Dad makes all the decisions based on how he is going to save Brave Daughter. Nobody else in the film is allowed to have any input based on their own familial needs. This is a film about a global catastrophe and there are about twenty people in it. I literally had no idea what any of them were trying to do, or why, or even where they were. What the fuck. Every scene is set in a different location. I think the film visits every country on the planet. Every time we go somewhere new we get a little caption telling us where we are, then we immediately cut to a different location. This is bad and confusing and annoying, don't do that. Also every location looks the same, i.e. dark and rainy and grey and brown and shit. Anyway the humans have invented a device which somehow communicates with monsters. How this device works, and what it does, have not been thought through for more than four seconds. Everybody wants it but nobody can explain why. Maybe it will stop the monsters. Do they want to stop the monsters? Unclear. One character thinks that all human life should be extinguished because the monsters were here first and I am inclined to agree with that because then there would be no more films like this. Anyway there are a lot of monsters and they are also stupid. One is a giant fucking moth. I am aware of Godzilla lore so understand that there has to be a giant fucking moth but this is 2019, a giant fucking moth is a stupid fucking monster. A MOTH. Nobody says "Wow that moth is ridiculous." What the fuck. The monsters fight a lot, for a very very very long time, in some of the worst monster-fighting scenes I have ever had the misfortune to watch. The set-pieces are choreographed and shot with such a staggering absence of wit and imagination that you may as well watch an angry toddler smash two potatoes together for hours on end. It is so dark and rainy and cloudy and muddy that it is impossible to tell what the fuck is going on. There are about five wide shots in the whole film. This is a film about monsters. Show me the fucking monsters. Stage a scene in fucking daylight and let me see what I'm meant to be seeing, because all I can see is dark grey arms and legs and tentacles and heads flashing past like subliminal messages. Some scenes actually start in daylight, then some monsters turn up and it all goes dark, then when they've finished fighting ten minutes later it's daylight again. What the fuck. Anyway the stupid people are still being stupid and saying stupid things like "You are meddling with forces beyond our comprehension" and "Moscow, London and Washington DC are all under attack" because even in 2019 monsters only demolish capital cities. A newsreader delivers forehead-slappingly obvious exposition like "This is the single greatest disaster in human history," which is actually very funny because she is describing the film, do you see. The humans realise that humans are bad and Brave Daughter realises that Cold Mum is not a good mum, in fact she calls her "a monster". It turns out that guess what, the humans are the real monsters. What the fuck. It is 2019. This is not how to make films. This is a film made by idiots for idiots and it should not have been made. If you like it you are a bad person. Please unmake it. I do not like it, it is awful. Go away film. What the fuck.