“It was just a mess,” prospective student Jacob Walsh said. “Half the school was singing at one tempo, and then the other half was singing lyrics four lines ahead at another tempo. And I’m pretty sure I saw one group of students who were just beating their chests and making gorilla noises.”

Walsh, who is currently a seventh grader at Our Lady of the Lake, added that hearing that “calamity of a performance” was definitely a deal-breaker.

The St. Paul’s student body “sings” the fight song at a recent Principal’s assembly. (Photo: Hyde Healy)

“I really liked the school, too. The campus was great, and the students and faculty were super friendly,” Walsh said. “It was just going so well. It’s a shame this had to happen, I really wanted to come here.”

When asked whether he truly believed that completely altering the trajectory of his life because of the performance of a song was the right decision, Walsh said, “Absolutely. I mean, how can a school give their students the tools they need to succeed in life if they can’t even teach them to sing at the same pace?”

The Fight Song, which is sung by the students at the end of each assembly, has been performed with disorganization and inconsistency dating back to a number of years. With each performance, more and more people are beginning to take note of the embarrassing manner with which the song is sung.

“When I hear the students sing it,” one teacher said, “It makes me ashamed to be a part of St. Paul’s.”

“Sometimes, after hearing them sing it,” said another, “It makes me wonder if what I do as an educator is even worth it.”

Moreover, St. Paul’s School President Bro. Raymond Bulliard, FSC, commented on this unfortunate and completely avoidable loss.

“I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner,” Bulliard said bluntly. “It is a shame that this happened, however, as I had already memorized young Jacob Walsh’s name.”

When asked where he would attend school, Walsh said he was still weighing his options. He explicitly noted, however, that St. Paul’s has been unquestionably struck from his list forever.

. . .

Editor’s note: Cry Wolf is satirical news intended to take a humorous look at St. Paul’s life. For more on this new entertainment segment of The Paper Wolf, read this story.

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About Hyde Healy

Hyde Healy is a senior at St. Paul's. He is the creator and writer of the "Cry Wolf" satirical news series. He occasionally covers actual school news as a staff reporter, so not everything he writes is "fake news." He is involved in multiple extracurricular activities around campus, including lacrosse and Key Club. You can contact him or send him money at hyde.healy.2019@stpauls.com.
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Cry Wolf is satirical news that gives students an opportunity to learn news-style writing in a fun and creative way. This segment is The Paper Wolf is not intended to be viewed as truth. We apologize if that was not understood and will work on a way to make that more apparent in order to distinguish the segment from the real news on our site.