So it’s Coachella again. That magical time of the year when B-list celebrities and down pretend to be groovy, music-loving flower children of the earth while staying in luxury hotels complete with catered pool parties. Although, in their defense, David Hasselhoff shows up each year like clockwork and eats a vegan cheeseburger he dropped in the grass, so yes, that’s a tang of jealousy you detect.

In more important news, apparently robot pedophiles from the future have perfected time travel, so good luck with that because, surprise, they’re race car drivers, too. You must was as well just set your kids out on the curb.