Why we are amazing...

A celebration of the triumph of intuition, placebo, kind words and unfounded hope over the leaden dogmatism of the scientific method, the shackles of statistical analysis and the tyranny of the dogged need for real evidence. Armed with only an energized crystal, a vial of ultra-hydrated water and a paper bag half-full of indeterminate dried plant material, surely we can win the holy war against pestilence, death and vague feelings of a slight dissatisfaction with our empty lives. Peace.

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Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Colin Cobalt: Letter to the Ghost hunters

I recently wrote this email to the ghost investigation team of Manchester Paranormal, following an esoteric incident I had last week. (Be sure to vote for them in the Haunted England top 100 most effective ghost hunters):

Dear Ghosthunting team,

I found your site after looking for it on a web, and was hoping that you will be able to help me with my confusing and ghostly problems, as I know you are constantly looking for answers to the paranormal.

In short, I think I am the victim of a haunting, and want your help in dealing with this, ideally while taking a few photographs for my family journal, which has been quite un-appended to since most of my family went into hiding after a national Sunday newspaper got hold of their address and they had trouble with mobs.

I found a lovely pair of trousers at my local charity shop. They cost me £2.75 and are a rather fetching blue corduroy. The fit is excellent, which was a pleasant surprise for me, as it has often been commented that I have an unusually shaped behind, a little like a Yampie Yam. I did look really quite flash!

My astral-plane conundrums started the very next night, however, when my trousers levitated across my bedroom while I slept, suspended by orbs. This is the only explanation I can think of, since I am sure I hung them up and didn't leave them in that damp patch under the window. The weirdness continued the next night, when I felt a distinct feeling of coldness after I took them off, as if some mischievous spirit wanted me to wear them constantly and go out on some kind of violent attack. By now you can imagine I was becoming worried about this Pantaloon possession. Late that night I woke up to hear a smashing sound in my kitchenette. When I went to look, I saw that a jar had fallen off a windowsill and the window was ajar. I found this all very jarring, and my trousers remained suspiciously silent, although they were folded on the floor in such a way that they looked like they were smirking, you know the look: like a gloating box jellyfish after paralysing a surfer.

I went and spoke to the lady who sold me the trousers. Her name is Viv, and she likes to have a natter after her husband had the accident with the electric carving knife the Christmas before last. She said that she had heard of criminal types disposing of their old clothes in charity shops before changing into the expensive new suits they would buy with their ill-gotten gains. She said that it is possible that those trousers were worn by a robber who kicked his victim to a tragic conclusion at the back of some garages, and the tortured and lost soul of the victim found its way into the creases of the corduroy. Is this something that you see a lot?

Would your team consider investigating my trousers? I am free most evenings, other than Thursdays (when I wash) and am happy for you to film them for your website. Do you think we would be more likely to see ghostly activity if I am wearing them, or will my own movements confuse things? I am prepared to stand very still for a couple of hours if needs be, as long as I have had some sugar. Do you supply a priest to do the exorcism, or must I provide my own? I used to know one called Father Gary, but he was sent off to start a new missionary in Canada, and people round here don't talk about him any more.

If you need any more information, please let me know. I can probably send you a Polaroid of the trousers, if I can find an envelope.