The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be:

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Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.

******

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually
lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out
with the bath water."

******

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining
cats and dogs."

******

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big
posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

******

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."

******

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a
"thresh hold."

******

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get
much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in
the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a
while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old."

******

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home
the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
would all sit around and chew the fat.

******

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so
for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

******

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust."

******

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if
they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

******

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would
take the bones to a "bone-house " and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell;
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead
ringer"

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At t his point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Just got this off another board:
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Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name-calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

Venison Versus Beef
Controversy has long raged about the relative quality and taste of venison and beef as gourmet foods. Some people say that venison is tough, with a strong "wild" taste. Others insist that venison's flavor is delicate. An independent food research group was retained by the Venison Council to conduct a taste test to determine the truth of these conflicting assertions once and for all.
First a Grade A Choice Holstein steer was chased into a swamp a mile and a half from a road and shot several times. After some of the entrails were removed, the carcass was dragged back over rocks and logs, and through mud and dust to the road. It was then thrown into the back of a pickup truck and driven through rain and snow for 100 miles before being hung out in the sun for 10 days.
After that it was lugged into a garage, where it was skinned and rolled around on the floor for a while. Strict sanitary precautions were observed throughout the test, within the limitations of the butchering environment.
For instance, dogs and cats were allowed to sniff and lick the steer carcass, but were chased away when they attempted to bite chunks out of it.
Next a sheet of plywood left from last year's butchering was set up in the basement on two saw horses. The pieces of dried blood, hair and fat left from last year were scraped off with a wire brush last used to clean out the grass stuck under the lawn mower.
The skinned carcass was then dragged down the steps into the basement where a half dozen inexperienced but enthusiastic and intoxicated men worked on it with meat saws, cleavers and dull knives. The result was 375 pounds of soup=2 0bones, four bushel baskets of meat scraps, and a couple of steaks that were an eighth of an inch thick on one edge and an inch and a half thick on the other.
The steaks were seared on a glowing red hot cast iron skillet to lock in the flavor. When the smoke cleared, rancid bacon grease was added along with three pounds of onions, and the whole conglomeration was fried for two hours.
The meat was gently teased from the frying pan and served to three blindfolded taste panel volunteers. Every one of the members of the panel thought it was venison. One of the volunteers even said it tasted exactly like the venison he had eaten in hunting camps for the past 27 years. The results of this scientific test show conclusively that there is no difference between the taste of beef and venison

Do You Know The Front From The Back Of A Tree?
A redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!
He walks into the International Paper Company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
The redneck promptly answers, "That thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet," says the redneck.
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator! One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "And what about that one?"
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "White oak, 242 board feet at best."
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree!" The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "That thar's the front," the redneck says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"
The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot, cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it!"
He got the job.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...
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An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again..'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
________________________________________

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him..
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure...'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment..
'Where's my toast ?'
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well..'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect."
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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One more. . ...!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

An old cowboy wearing his six guns stops into the ice cream parlor to get a sundae. He asks the buxom young lovely behind the counter for a vanilla sundae with walnuts and a cherry on top. She asks him "you want your nuts crushed?"
He pulls his revolvers on her and says "No, you want your breasts blown off?"

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.