I was at a loft party a couple of weeks ago, drinking a sticky beer and talking about getting tons of noise promos from Tiny Mix Tapes, when I mentioned I got the new White Mice album. "Dude, White Mice are at this party, dude," said my friend. "Really? Where are they?" I inquired, thinking about whether I'm dude enough to be double-duded. I'm really insecure. "Uh. they're the ones wearing the white mice masks and bloody white lab coats. They do that so you know they're White Mice."

I looked over and indeed there were the three White Micers -- oscillator, sludge bass, and drums -- all decked out in their onstage garb (for frightening pictures, visit their website or have been at the party I was at). I approached. "I just want to say that I think your album title is pretty awesome." They all looked at me, just staring and pouring beer on the floor in front of me. "Spelling asphyxiation the way you did. it's not even phonetic. it's like this new hyper-phonetic..."

And then they stabbed me a bunch and said some junior obscenities. mostly about cumming on a doughnut and putting butts on balls. Are they assholes? I thought. And then I wasn't thinking anymore. The last thing I heard was my friend like 3000-times-duding me.

I listened to their record while recovering in the hospital. I also figured out that if I held in my hiccups my IV sack bubbled. I had missed seeing my little brother's high school graduation, which I was pretty pissed about, but at least I got to listen to ASSPhIXXXEATATESHUN a buncha hundred times. I really liked it, too. "The White Mice" is an amazing call to arms, a sludgy and disgusto slow-motion-Lightning-Bolt bass riff floating over oscillators impersonating the mice in question. It all keeps unexpectedly grindcoring all over itself, seeming to yell, "This is fun! This is fun! This is scary! Falling down tunnel!" And final track "Microjackass" has probably the longest sounds I've heard in a noise grind group in a long time. But at 49:09 minutes long-with 45 of those minutes being I-guess-hilarious-but-not-really silence, I kind of got tired with "Microjackass." "Mousetrap," "Limburger Baby," "Slo Poison," man. These are great songs. These are noisy noisy noises.

I was laying on the hospital bed, scrawling a 4.5/5 onto a blank piece of paper -- the pen taped to my free finger -- when White Mice all walked into my hospital room. They had flowers! "Oh! Great to see you guys! Wow, you're still wearing your costumes. that's dedication, dudes. Flowers? For me? That's really nice of you guys. I'm surprised you haven't been arrested yet. I mean, you did assault me." And then it hit me. The flowers were made of cheese. So they jumped on me and stabbed me a bunch again and lit the cast on my right leg on fire. While doing said violence they repeated junk porn e-mail subject lines -- "Get Bigger 4 Less!" "Cum see my tits 4 free!" "Homeless girls suck for food!" -- and then left. I had only gotten through the 4 in 4.5/5 before the attack. but I left it as it was. As I went unconscious again I smelled those stupid cheese flowers. What a fucking gimmick, I thought. And then I wasn't thinking anymore.