You've got to stop condescending to the customers. Whatever do you mean? You abuse them for not recycling, for eating high-fructose sugar, for watching reality tv shows. Hardly. I absolutely understand that some people who have not been blessed with a high level of education and information make foolish divisions. It's not their fault. Condescending! Good use of a big word. HOJ.

I will sue! What? Coffee too hot? What'd I do? That monkey. That filthy monkey attacked me! Mortkey? Did he shed on you? He … he condescended to me! Not again. That water bottle uses so much petroleum. And you call yourself evolved! Back off, primate.

Thanks for recycling. Pardon? I'm being sarcastic. You tossed your cup into the trash rather than the recycling bin. Very thoughtful. The less we recycle, the more of the earth's resources we use, and the greater change my natural habitat will be destroyed. Though, technically, I came from a test tube, but you get my point. So totally lost.

Rudy, I summon thee. You are chosen to carry it forth. The Tablet. Behold: the upgraded iPad Pro. Better than a computer with the thinnest design ever. And I am the chosen one to tell the masses? Sort of. We expect millions to purchase and carry the message, making this a must-own item for 2019. But, yes, I mean, totally, you're chosen. A worthy daydream tends to have some elements of reality. Quickly, give us your credit card.

I don't understand why you get so many chicks and I can't get the time of day. I'm a professional. I spend hours studying the craft, working on technique, and I never take rejection personally. Whenever a chick turns me down, I look at it simply as test marketing. And when they say yes? A chance to work on my breakup technique.

Hey, baby, you're cute. I was wondering if I could not have your cellphone number. Huh? You don't want my number? I'd hate to become one of the many interruptions that makes your day more stressful. If I need you, I'll just softly call your name. If you're too busy or don't hear, don't worry about it. I don't know why, but I am desperately in love with you. It's your hair. It's got to be the hair.

Given our collective short attention span, you now have less than 20 seconds to pick up a chick. After that, you've lost her to a cellphone call, incoming email, Twitter and so forth. The key is to keep your approach crisp, witty, and so irresistible that the incoming tweet can actually wait. Does everyone have that? Ooh, does she have an iPhone? Hold on, I'm getting a call.

You've modified your unified theory of picking up chicks? The first big change in 10 years. I had to account for a key change in how people relate. They have incredibly short attention spans. Under my old theory, you used to have 45 seconds to get a chick's attention. Now you have less than 20. You lost me two sentences ago. I'm tweeting. The Love Doctor rests his case.

Good morning, sir, Rudy Park, citizen blogger. It's a quiet Sunday morning. Leave me in peace. Interesting. Sounds like you're hiding something! What? Do you owe back taxes? Did you take steroids? Have you filmed a music video with a scantily clad Melania lookalike, like that rapper T.I. did? Did you dress up in some weird animal costume? Was it a giraffe? I will get to the bottom of it!!! Help me out, I've got a self-imposed blogging deadline every six minutes. Sorry, pal. Local man denies besmirching Melania and mocking giraffes, but apologizes anyway. Leave us in peace!

Peace process progress report. There will be no long-term ceasefire, but there will be one, single, holiday hug. Agreed? Mumble mumble. I'll take that as a yes. And remember, you need not think of this as a concession to the other person but merely a statement that you aren't defined by another person, especially one you dislike. OMG. I can't breathe. I and my iPhone are so ashamed. Happy Holidays.

Sadie, Rudy, I give up. You two won't ever agree on anything. There is no basis here for compromise. Go ahead and fight. Define yourselves entirely by each other and your conflict. Let the other person dominate your thoughts and feelings. I must take your twisted logic into consideration. Surely my iPhone can explain to me what just happened.

Peace process progress report. Here's what we've agreed upon so far … nothing. I don't agree! I will not capitulate to that nonsense. Listen: I'm saying you haven't agreed to anything yet. Sounds reasonable but I'm still opposed. At the risk of agreeing with someone who is always 100 percent wrong, I concur.

Sadie, Rudy, the holidays are coming up. If we can't get you to agree to a long-term peace accord, may we get a temporary ceasefire? Explain, meathead. As of midnight tonight, each of you agrees not to insult the other. But it's the holidays. It's a time when we're supposed to let the spirit come alive inside you. A time of generosity. Generosity of insults! Stop it! The spirit of judgment and condescension.

I've been brought in to negotiate a settlement between you two. It's in the interest of this café and this country. I just ask that each of you negotiate in good faith. Okay? No way. Forget it. Okay, well then I just ask that each of you stop throwing food at me. Can't do it. Nope.

Rudy, may I have a word with you? Bite me, old coot. I beg your pardon. You can talk to me that way when you've fought a world war, survived a depression and figured out directions to someone's house without help form your mephone!!! iPhone! Potato!! Tomato!! An auspicious start to the peace process.

The Fad Herald cometh!! He complete me. Hear ye: I've asked you all here today to make an announcement. Murmur. In recent months, I've strayed from my values. I've let down my wife, constituents, our shareholders, the public, my fans. What did you do? But I assure you that I'm going top make amends. No matter how much work or time it takes, I will restore your faith in me. What did you do? Nothing. Public apologies are IN! Still don't know what he did. Public candor remains out.

I'm done with the internet. But you discovered you can use it for Scrabble and flaming people. Crushing losers in online Scrabble and making them cry is great. But it's so much less satisfying than doing so in person. Really? Don't you understand anything, you tech-addled, bad-breathed, girlfriendless iPhone jockey?! Don't you ever try to get me hooded on that crud again. This is war. Again.

Coffee, jerk! What's the matter? Sadie discovered flaming, i.e.: Hostile and insulting interaction among internet users. It's been incredible. Who can sleep when you've got endless opportunity to make people feel like crud about themselves?! I also need prescription drugs and steroids. Flaming out.