Monday Watch List: King! Diaz! BIEBER!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and enjoy the longest day of the year. It’s so long, you could fly to Sydney and back and still be home to watch the sunset! Or you could watch half a Judd Apatow movie! LET’S GO!

DISASTER IN THE GULF, HOW YOU CAN HELP – 8:00PM (CNN) Tonight, Larry King hosts this CNN telethon to benefit relief efforts in the wake of BP’s ongoing underwater oil cannon of death. I don’t know why you should pay money to the relief effort when BP should really foot the entire tab, and then be forced to drink all the oil they spilled. But hey, ours is not a perfect world, so I guess you’ll have to pick up BP’s considerable slack. Joining Larry this evening are Ted Danson, Cameron Diaz, Sting, Tim McGraw, Ivanka Tru… ZOMG JUSTIN BIEBER! BIEBER BIEBER BIEBER! HE’S GOING TO BE ON THIS?!

/hyperventilates

/cries

/faints

/wakes up and cries again

Oh, thank goodness Justin is on the case. I bet he could single-handedly solve this oil spill, if he ever read a news report and knew there was an oil spill of some sort (His agent said there would be candy and hair foam). LOVE YOU JUSTIN!!! ANTICIPATION: BIEBER!

THE BACHELORETTE – 8:00PM (ABC) Tonight, Ali and the boys jet off to Iceland for a series of dates. Why Iceland? Uh… Why not? Watch for lots of suggestive shots of erupting geysers and volcanoes, along with touching make out sessions scored by Sigur Ros. I don’t know what those crazy people are singing, but it sure sounds like a pelican mating with a cow. ANTICIPATION: ICELAND!

BEHIND THE MUSIC: COURTNEY LOVE – 8:00PM (VH1) And now you know why “Behind the Music” has still been hanging around on the air for so long. It was specifically so we could get to this episode: a two-hour blowout that probably touches on only 0.6% of the assorted toxic substances Courtney has voluntarily ingested. Sure, there was an episode about Eve last week. But who cares about Eve? Tonight is why this show still exists, so you can hear in detail about what a miserable human being Courtney Love is. Grab a bucket of methadone and sing along. ANTICIPATION: DRUGS!

HEARTLAND THUNDER – 10:00PM (Discovery) Unfortunately, not a sequel to “Tropic Thunder.” It’s a new show about modified dirt bike racers who battle it out at over 120mph on dirt roads. If you like broken scapulas, this is for you. ANTICIPATION: BLOOD SWEAT AND GEARS!

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA – 9:00PM (Comedy Central) I only started watching this show last week, which makes me tragically behind the times and I apologize to everyone for my pop cultural shortcomings. Anyway, this show is hilarious. Catch up with the reruns on Comedy Central before the new season returns to FX this summer. ANTICIPATION: GREEN MAN!