Monday, December 23, 2013

I Have a Summer Cold

What on Earth has sickness done unto my face!

It's one thing to have a cold during the winter, but during the summer? Cruelty much. Therefore, I have done a thorough investigation on all the possible remedies for a common cold, which I'm guessing will be helpful to many Northern Hemisphere friends, those misfortunate souls currently undergoing the woes of wintertime.How to cure a common cold in 8 serious steps:

Wash your hands and face often

Expose yourself to humidity and vapours (showers or place head over kettle while boiling water)

Drink fluids, especially tea+honey or chicken soup

Rest

Spend some time out on the sun (apparently something in the UV)

Use cold medicine sparsely

Eat lots of fruit

Gargle with warm salt water

How to really cure a common cold:

Complain all the time

Use a ridiculous amount of tissue on a nose that will be stuffy regardless.

Decorate the near surroundings of your bed with said tissues. Perhaps create a tissue sculpture.

Watch the guiltiest pleasure movie of all times.

Chicken soup, again, because we all love chicken soup. Make the noodles in it of the alphabet kind, because today you are the legislative and executive and judicial power of the household.

Keep complaining. As in, complain so much that you even complain on your blog.

Sleep sleep sleep sleep.

Read but make it light reading. I remember that one cold that drove me to read a whole Harry Potter book in two days. Do not attempt to tackle the deep stuff such as, say, Ayn Rand or Stephenie Meyer, on this day.

Abuse of younger siblings with your Sick People Privileges.

Work on nothing and stress is prohibited. Remember, legislative power.

Catch up on the last 6 months of Rookie articles.

Download crap music. Leave the quality music for when your throat doesn't feel like a giant golf ball with spikes lodged in the intersection between head and body.

Continue complaining.

Hope you have a better day than mine (although, after a list like that, it's starting to look up),