exploring the emotionally unstable

So, something I’ve learned to fear most in a relationship is a man who NEVER argues. I’ve been in a couple relationships now where this happened and it means one of a couple things:

When they disagree with what you have to say they withhold it and later manipulate you into their view of things or finds a way to twist it in the future so that you forgive them of something else completely unrelated. I don’t know how Dale did it, but he did this all the time. Later, I’d reflect on it, and see the manipulation and such, but it wouldn’t be until much later.

They keep it all inside. This leads to either a big burst leading to a breakup (sometimes getting back together once things calm down).

Or, keeping it all inside because they fear intimacy. Opening themselves up completely and letting you know themselves and their true feelings and thoughts.

They don’t care. I’ve been used by a guy simply because he was lonely. Whenever I’d say something he didn’t agree with or didn’t like what I did he’d not say anything because he wanted someone to stay by his side. He admitted later that he knew we weren’t good together and was prolonging our relationship because he was lonely.

So, It’s been a long while since I’ve written. I’ve debated on posting on here as it’d basically be frustrations and no one likes reading those when it’s not someone they care about, and even then it’s limiting for many. But, I am flooded with emotions and sometimes want validation and other times simply being told I’m overreacting or being stupid.

I haven’t had the normal development of an intimate life. From being molested by my stepfather in high school causing me to be be closed up sexually, then being sexually assaulted in college I really put anything intimate on the back burner. Not until I was 27 could I not take the sexual frustration anymore. I watched so much porn, cybered a lot, masturbated a lot, fantasized randomly throughout the day, sex was really on my mind all the time.

I’m now 31, have had 15 sexual partners, and currently have three lovers. Had four until a couple days ago when I ended one due to her hurting my feelings (unintentionally, but still reoccurring) too many times. She was the only one I had feelings for and dreamed of being in a relationship eventually.

But, one is once to twice a month, and he focuses completely on my needs and wants and wants to please. One is once a week, we play boardgames, have sex, sleep, then have sex again before going to work, then one is on weekends and I am helping him out as his anxiety with intimacy as it is so high he tends to go soft the moment he goes inside someone. The one I ended, she was completely submissive and I was working on being the dominate one when I tend to be the submissive.

I haven’t slept through the night in weeks, tried upping my meletonin, took zzzquil, and will be trying sleepy time tea tonight. I have migraines lasting days now, gotten quite sick, lose my patience quickly, and bombed an interview for my dream job. And, I am planning my mother’s birthday party on her birthday and her surprise party a week later. Highly stressful and taking all my tax refund since I am getting significantly less than I’ve ever gotten before :(.

I’m 30 going on 31 and only in the last couples did I accept the fact that I’m not young. I’d identify myself with the younger crowd. I never quite fit in with people my own age, so despite not quite fitting in now it just seemed normal. But I realized it wasn’t the same.

Despite not liking ‘N Sync when it was big (or the Backstreet Boys) I know who they were – even some of their names and songs. Now though, I couldn’t sing a line from a Taylor Swift song or give a name of a song or person from One Direction.

It’s amazing how seamlessly we age – go from baby to toddler to child to preteen to teenager to young adult/student to “adult” to middle aged to over the hill to senior citizen.

I never really had goals set for certain age, but I certainly believed I’d be self-sufficient years ago. I rarely think about age, but I did decide to take 30 as a wake up call to help me actually accomplish some goals. I’m starting to feel a little greatful for looking younger than I am so others don’t question so much of my failings.

The X-Files is coming back! Even though I am sure any fan knows this by now, I wanted to talk about it :-b. Six new episodes with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson with the original writer and creator Chris Carter!!!

How could this be bad? This is one of the very first television shows I followed on my own. Used to watch reruns on Sundays on Fox. Got me hooked and watching new ones mixed with old. A couple years ago I bought the entire series as I plan on watching from beginning to end and now I have a deadline – by the time the new ones come out 🙂

Thankfully Gillian and David have been keeping up their acting muscles. Watching Gillian in a Netflix show right now (The Fall).

I’m still waiting for a new Star Trek series. Is there any shows out there you’d wish would/could make a come back?

One of my, by far, favorite movies growing up and still is, is Disney’s The Little Mermaid. But, watching it now vs. watching it as a child it is two different movies.

As a young child I thought the movie was magical, that they were meant for eachother. What Ariel did was fine and was just an adventurous princess. I’d cry at the end of the movie as I just didn’t understand why she’d leave her family for the prince though. I mean, every time! Took years before I started to understand, but still not accept it.

Now, I can’t believe she is doing all this at age 16. But, her doing wreckless things makes sense due to her age. I am still as much in love with the songs as I was as a child and enjoy the look of the characters and such. I am no longer sad at the end of the movie, but my sappy self am still moved slightly by the ending, but more so by the father giving his daughter the legs she wants.

Only a small look at the differences, but I see it in so many movies I watch with my niece and nephews. The Last Unicorn being one of the biggest differences. I loved it and watched and rewatched it, but now think it is just awful. Do you have any movies where this has happened to you?

I know I’ve talked a lot more about sexual things in this month’s challenge than I had originally thought I would. But, I always thought I’d talk about this for V.

I find it interesting we live in a society where someone gets teased for not having had sex. For so many it is just a way to have pleasure. I had one argue for a while about how it’s just nature and that I should lighten up. That girls like me took it too seriously. I am one who looks at Craigs list and see guys who have their “virgin card” and am looking to give it up to a stranger. Guys at 18-21 feeling like they’re needing to get it out of the way instead of the act being something loving and something you think about as a positive memory in the future.

I remember talking to one 27 year old who wanted to loose it before his next relationship so the stigma was gone. Talked for quite a while, but I wouldn’t do it with him, so the conversation stopped. I, too, know the feeling though. At 27 is when I started to feel left out and is why I pushed myself into the dating world and pretty much dated whomever would have me so I could no longer claim to be a virgin as well.

Was your first time with someone you cared about? A one-night stand? Anyone with the morning of when most people loose it, morning after prom?