Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

I'm trying so hard to believe this. Even though things have changed some what for us, I'm hoping its still all part of the plan. Please don't let HIM blink and forget about me......

Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

Yeah I've just bought myself a new wardrobe. Blue leggings, Red cape. Tight yellow vest with the word "M" on the front. I'm working on my powers of moving objects.

Anyway, I'm baby sitting a gorgeous 9 month old baby girl this week. She is too adorable and such a sweet thing. We are having so much fun with her. This includes McK who is loving playing the big sister role. Ah she is going to make such an awesome big sister one day. (Hopefully).

We actually went and bought a heater yesterday. Thought we would make the winter without one, but not a chance!! It was lovely going to sleep in a warm toasty room last night and even better this morning while getting dressed. No knee knocking shivering going on in our house!!!!

McK reading books to Emma:

(excuse McK's raggy look)

Oh and I just realized that this was my 250th blog entry... LOL, not that you were counting....

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Ok, ummm I don’t want to go into too much details about my “extra personal life”. But we have had some issues this week that have turned our TTC world (and private world) up side down. But plans have been put in place to bring order to it and hopefully soon everything will be back on track.

Next…. Yesterday….. Our appointment with Dr. Lovely.

Firstly our appt was for 1pm. He was running so late, only got to see him at 3pm. Now if I didn’t love him this much I would have been p*ssed. But I do love him, and would have waited till 5pm to see him. Going to break down the appt into sections, so bear with me.

My Results

Everything is beautiful. Blood work came back perfect. Pap smear came back excellent (he said) I was worried about this, since I have in the past had issues with Cancer cells. So this was a relief. My prog test – stunning (he says). So I obviously have nothing hormonal wrong with me.

DH’s Results.

Over all good. Excellent count . (Through the roof – he said). Motility has increased from 50% to 66%. Which is very good news for us. Since his motility rates last time weren’t that great. The only problem is the morphology it’s come down again. 11%. Yes I know not a train smash (he said). But Dr. Lovely is concerned about it.

What now?

Dr. Lovely first wants to get DH’s sperm health up a bit. Says he wants to better our chances. Why work with slightly offish sperm when we can have the best. He gave me the choice of having a LAP done now to check for blocked tubes and what not. Or said we could give ourselves 2-3 months then book the LAP.

That we treat the second infertility once DH is in sperm fit shape (his words). I had to laugh we he said “I guarantee you that mamma will be pregnant by September/October”.

POA.

We give 2-3 months for DH to get his sperm morphology up. How? Well, he needs to stop smoking Nr. 1 and then go on a sperm supplement. We could chose Fertipil Plus or Spermaid.

He also asked if DH did any strenuous exercise. To which I said, unless you count one golf game a month. To which Dr. Lovely said “No, but golf is excellent for increasing sperm." LOL.

When September comes, I will go see Dr. Lovely to set up the Lap.

Am I ok with this?

Yes, perfect. It all works out for us actually. With all the drama this week, this 2-3 month period is actually a welcomed break. We need some time to get ourselves sorted out. We have some issues to work out, both emotionally and financially. So this is the perfect plan for us.

Am I really ok with this?

My heart is a bit sore. I wanted a solution straight away. It was a tough afternoon. Infertility is not for sissy’s. It’s hard to put logic above emotional need. It was hard sitting in a reception room for 2 hours being surrounded by heavily pregnant women. It was hard listening to heart beats of tiny babies. (Yes the walls aren't that thick there). It was very hard, because I want this so badly.

I cried most of the way home after I dropped DH off at work. But I know this is the best POA for me, for my family.

So technically we are going on a TTC break till September. No official trying. DH has to stop smoking (LOL) and go onto supplements. I have to continue Ovulating so beautifully. We pick up the pieces in September again.

Thanks for everyone’s good wishes and worry over me this week. It’s much appreciated!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It seems so weird to read day 26 of 26, a home pregnancy test may work today (or something along those lines). If I didn't temp earlier this cycle, I guess I would be slightly excited. I mean last day of cycle, no spotting. LOL. But in reality I'm only 10dpo today. (Check Chart) So I'm still at least 3 days away from AF's arrival as well as 3 days away from our doc appt.

Still waiting for the SA results. Apparently the nurse sent it to the wrong fax number. Some poor person is busy reading my DH's SA results. LOL. Hopefully I'll still get it today, other wise I'm marching (ok driving) myself over to the lab and going to pick up a copy of the results tomorrow. It's insane that you have to wait like this.

There are some exciting things possibly happening to us. I really hope it all works out. Please let it work out!! Sorry I can't reveal too much. In fear that I jinx it or have to apologize for all the excitement.

Prepare yourself for big changes on at least one front. Your home life, career and relationship status are all up for grabs right now, and while the process may seem difficult at the moment, the end result will be delightful. Ready?

I did something today, that I never thought I would do. But it's the first step. Will let you in on it as the week progresses.

Sweating buckets. Can't believe I did it. Maybe nothing will come of it, maybe something will. Either way something had to be done.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It was weird. Very uncharted waters for me. I’ve always read about infertile women being hurt by friends/family keeping their pregnancies a secret from them in order to protect them. I understood why, I also understood why the infertile would sometimes be angry because the secret was kept more than the actual pregnancy.

I have very good friends who can not have their own biological children. Believe me the day I have to tell them “the good news” is going to be pure torture for me. But I’ve been told over and over again by them to please not keep it a secret or let them be the last ones to know. They aren’t sure what their reaction is going to be, they might cry, they might laugh, maybe both. But tell I will have to tell.

This week I was/am one of those situations. Where someone felt too bad to tell me that they were pregnant. I’ve never experienced such an emotion yet over my last 3 years of TTC. I immediately felt guilty because this person didn’t have the heart to tell me. She couldn’t share her wonderful excitement because she cared too much about my feelings. I felt so sad that I could make someone feel bad about telling me she was pregnant. 18 weeks (minus 4 that she didn’t know) is a long time.

But then I sat back and smiled. For the first time it felt like someone respected my infertility heartache. She understood, she got it! Yes I have plenty of friends and family that support me in my own journey. This was someone in the "real world" that got it. This was different.

I’m so excited for her and her DH. I know the long TTC journey they were on. I know the heartache she felt after every failed cycle. I know.

I can’t wait to meet the little boy!

Ps. I hate using the word infertile as a noun… like we infertiles… argh, makes us sound like we need to be quarantined. Well only if there are copious amounts of tequila and cheese nacho’s in our compound.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

CD21 today, obviously since yesterday was CD20. That's a no brainer. LOL. I'm getting rather anxious. I really hope DH's SA results come through today. I need them. I need to see them before the doc sees them. I couldn't be bothered about my results, so I can wait till next week. One more week. I'm just hoping DH's work doesn't get all weird about him having to take time off to go to the appt. Some people just don't get infertility. (I had another paragraph written but decided to erase it, it describes exactly what I think of a certain person - replaced his title with the word work)

I We had a rough night. Between the thunder, DH's snoring, McK's teeth grinding and climbing into our bed 6x times during the night. You can only imagine how much sleep I we got. Of course when I complained to DH about the lack of sleep he insisted that he didn't sleep either. Hence the I. But I had to laugh at 5:30am. McK turns around and cuddles up to me. She says "mommy I'm maybe sorry." What do you mean Maybe sorry. "ummm, I let out a fart and it might stink". Got to love that child!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

To be CD20 and only possibly be 4dpo. Usually by CD20 I have this nagging urge to test because I'm 8dpo already and so hoping to be one of those lucky ones that get their BFP on 8dpo. Even if it is a faint squint and tilt to 45 degree angle line.

What will the next 10 days bring us of this particular 2ww. We should receive DH's SA results tomorrow or Friday. I keep looking out for the fax. Wish it was here already. Not that I can do anything with it. But I want to see if it's any worse or better than the last SA done in 2007.

Then it's the all important appointment on the 26th. I'm hoping that doc will send me for a LAP. Although I have a feeling we might go down the Clomid road again. So my appt will be right on time if we need to start any fertility treatment. 13dpo. Perfect timing for a change.

I know a lot of my mommy friends read my blog, so I thought I would show off the new Making Babies Directory Ad. Just click here to see it. Also browse through the site, there are a lot of great articles written by parents.

That's it from me. Oh those that couldn't make out what type of critter Gabriella is: She is a dwarf hamster. :)

Monday, June 15, 2009

This weekend started out with my brother, Uncle Precious, making the decision to buy McK a pet. Her first pet. I said nonsense man she does have pets. We have a tank full of Malawi Chiclids. Fish make great pets! I was laughed at.

Around the dinner table on Friday night, Uncle Precious and McK started talking and negotiating. Everything from snakes to tarantula's to kittens back to tarantula's. More talk of snakes. Imagine my eyes growing wider and wider. Luckily my girlie is a girlie girl. No snakes or spiders for her. Her eyes beamed at the thought of a kitten. I kicked my brother under the table. Gave him that glare of don't you freaking dare bring a cat into my house. (I'm not a cat person or a dog person, it's ok to have them I just don't want them. We are fish people.)

Saturday afternoon Uncle Precious came home with this cute little critter. Her name is Gabriella. Yes after High School Musical. Do you really think McK would have called her anything else? Gabby went to the shops with us. Went visiting Grandma and Grandpa's house. Went jacuzzing at Mathi and Hanlie's place (ok she didn't get in but was in close proximity to the jacuzzi).

I tried to get a pic of little Miss G. But she doesn't stay still. All pics are blurred so here is a google image of her. Introducing the newest member to the Murray household: (they all look pretty much the same anyway, so if I didn't say anything you would have thought it was her anyway LOL)

I wonder if she's ok at home. McK wanted to bring her with to the office today, but I decided that she needed to stay at home rather. I think they are safer in their cages where they belong and not gallivanting all over the place.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Just to let everyone know we are busy making "small" changes on the Making Babies site. You might have noticed a new "look" but I couldn't get my heart around it, so I reverted back to the pink one.

You will see when you first go in it will take you to a "Welcome Page". Where you can then chose to either enter the MB site, or you scroll down to Making Babies Social Network and obviously if you are already a member you just click on the "Login" button. If you aren't yet a member of this awesome group of supporters please click on the "register" button.

There are still a few bugs that need to be sorted out, (we are working on them) like when clicking on "home" it takes you back to the Welcome Page. Busy trying to sort that out. But since it's my "assistants" Birthday today I thought I would give him a break.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend!! Take care of yourself and those around you. I know some of you are having a 4 day weekend. Lucky buggers!

Did anyone notice my chart? We didn't miss O. LOL. But I'm still treating this cycle as a break one. Stop sniggering. I won't fall prey to the evil 2ww. I won't fall prey to HPTs. NO I WON'T!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I always wonder if bloggers come up with their quirky titles first, or do they write the entry and then the title comes to mind. Cause I got nothing. Not that my titles are anything award winning or quirky. They (being mine) mostly irritate me and I leave it out. Does the title make you want to read the entry? Just wondering.

So I wrote an eBook not so long ago. Yeah you wouldn't say so by the lack in quality of blog posts I've been submitting the last few months. Blogging just got a bit ARGH *insert rolling eyes* for me. Lets say I hit a bloggers block. It just started feeling like I was writing the same thing over and over again. Moaning and complaining, nagging and b*tching. All so mundane. I couldn't even care to fix spelling mistakes or grammar. I also thought "I better just write something just in case someone was actually reading".

Anyway, back to the eBook. "Baking Maybe's" Yeah kind of a spin off from baking a bun in the oven..... Baking a maybe.... that maybe I'm pregnant kind of thing. Now that is a quirky title. Which I didn't come up with. It was my assistant at 2am in the morning many many moons ago. We decided to release the eBook "internationally", which in itself is pretty cool. My assistant (aka my dad) has been setting up Credit Card Payment facilities on my site in order for this to happen. He has also been hard at work, designing my new "landing page" for the MB site. I know I said I was hard at work on it, but do you know how much hard work it is to sit here and criticize and make him do it over and over again. Fix that colour, fix that sentence. Believe me it's no easy task. I break out into a sweat. (I quickly went and had a look in my blog archive if I have ever mentioned "Baking Maybe's" and see that I haven't. Strange. Just goes to show in true Marcelle style I don't blow my own horn.)

So what is the eBook about? Some ramblings about infertility, specifically my infertility and then some useful need to know TTC advice/tips. It's hard to "review" your own work, but from what I hear and read, women actually loved it. My assistant says "of course they did, it's great"... Ja ja... I don't even own a horn.

We are just trying to get the links to work for the new landing page, it does work on my google stuff. (I'm sure there is a better word than "stuff" but my assistant is busy so I'm not going to bother him for the right technical jargon.)

DH and Sister Nicky got better acquainted this morning at the Lab. I think even she was impressed that DH decided to use the Lab bathroom and not produce the sample at home. Which may I add I'm so happy and relieved about. I was so concerned that it wouldn't be accurate, that the boys would either freeze to death or get scorched while trying to keep them warm on their 20 minute car ride. So yes, my DH is a star for doing it at the lab. Of course I had a million questions when he got back to the office. I wasn't liking the one word answers I was getting.

"How was it?""Fine""So you done?""Yip""Did you spill""No""Did you ask her to fax the results to us as well?""Ja""Was she hot?" (meaning the nurse, we had joked about it in the car before he went)"Stop being ridiculous now and no she was old"

Another 7 days until we get those results and 7 days later we will be sitting in Dr Lovely's office discussing "What now". 14 days, another 2ww of a different kind.

Coming back to my assistant. Couldn't have asked for a better one! Thank you so so much for all the hard work this week. :)

I keep having to come back and edit this post. I have added a "download" sample extract from the eBook. :) Give me your thoughts.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

It just feels so weird. My brain has been trained for the last 3 years that when the O cramps start, it's time to sms/email/phone/joke/lure DH into that one or three BD sessions that you are convinced will be the one to get us PG. Here I sit, left ovary twitching and as the minutes go past it aches more......

Darn it, I know that I'm about to O. The big SA is tomorrow. So I sit here with this empty feeling. I can't do anything about it. My heart is sore ok. It's the weirdest feeling. You try and try and try and fail and fail and fail. But it's ok, because you tried your damnest. But this cycle..... this cycle there is no trying so it can't technically equal fail. It's just a missed chance.

Yes I know the whole if you O today/tomorrow you will still be able to BD after the SA and hopefully still stand a chance. I know the egg survives about 8-12 hours. You can't teach me any new tricks. Argh.

Then I comfort (if you can call it comfort) myself with thinking, HELLO silly... You have been doing this for 3 years and nothing has happened, what makes you think that this cycle would have been any different. That is why you are seeing Doctor Lovely on 26 June, so that he can help... Silly girl, imagine falling PG on your own.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

What a way to start my morning..... I had this whole post in mind but I've hit a blank after reading some awesome news. Our dear blogger, Xbox is going to be a daddy! I call him Our dear blogger, because unknown it to him he does still have a few South African lurkers that read his blog daily and have been waiting for this day. Awesomeness beyond.....

Some TTC updates from my side. DH goes this Thursday for the SA. So no BD this week. It's CD12 today, I usually O on CD12. Haven't noticed anything as of yet that relates to O. I'm still spotting??? WTF??? We then see Doctor Lovely on 26 June for the results of both our tests. So bring on this 2ww, going to be an interesting one!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Two weeks ago I got this insane idea to knit a freaking scarf. I don't know how to knit, I remember attempting it in Primary School for a Home Economics project but if I remember correctly I cheated and got my mother to do it for me. So when I woke up with this crazy idea to knit I was half excited half nervous.

Attempt 1:

Started off with casting on 40 stitches. (Cheated and got my mom to start it) I knitted about 40 rows. For the life of me I could not figure out why the wool was no longer fitting onto the needles. Count stitches, fluck 94. How the hell???

Attempt 2:

Started off with casting on 40 stitches. (Cheated and got my mom to start it again) Hmmmm, come on you have to be kidding me... 66 stitches. Pull it all apart and go buy different wool. It has to be the wool right?

Attempt 3:

Started off with casting on 35 stitches. (Of course cheated and got my mom to start it) Went well until I felt that it seemed to wide for my liking. Pull it all out again and restart....

Attempt 4:

Yes yes, mom casted the stitches on for me again, 26 this time...... All went very well until Saturday when I just gave up. It wasn't long enough for an adult to wear and I decided to hang up my knitting needles. My adorable McK decided that the scarf was perfect for her. So she has been modeling it since Saturday morning.

Here is the pic. (Excuse the half asleep grumpy 5 year old)

So this was my secret new hobby/project that I have been working on for the last 2 weeks. I have decided that it's not my thing.

Oh, this pic below was taken 10 minutes before the above scarf pic. LOL

Imagine being ripped out of bed to pose with a scarf.... LOL I would be pretty p*ssed off too....

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Yeah that was what I was thinking about 4 days ago, (ok I lie about 2 weeks ago) Glyconutrients. What a fascinating subject and supplement. Can you feel a shameless plug coming on?? Well it is my blog and I can do what I want right??

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Ok so it looks like Cycle 41 is going to be a "forced break" from TTC. Maybe a good thing. We changed DH's SA test to next week Thursday (personal reason, I so don't feel like going into). Since you have to abstain for 3-5 days before the test we are going to totally miss the O boat. Since the abstaining period falls right over my CD11-14. I have been Oing CD12/13 for the last few cycles. So unless my body decides to O later this cycle, we are going to have to chuck Cycle 41 on the back burner.

Now you all say, so do the SA the following week after that.... Naah, we have wasted enough time. What if we do, then I still don't fall PG and it's just more wasted effort. I'll rather get the SA over and done with so that I can go see Doctor Lovely and get cracking!!

I think I'm ok with that. We have so much going on around here, it might be good to take my mind off of TTC and focus focus focus....

Monday, June 1, 2009

So at long last, (3 years) I finally got to meet Nicki and her gorgeous boy Connor. (I've known the little boy since he was 2 lines on a HPT LOL). We had a great afternoon at the Irene Dairy farm along with some friends from Mommy. It was good seeing you ladies again and the kids are still as cute as ever!

What will the month of June bring us? I'm hoping some answers and a lot of luck. Not just with TTC efforts but over all. I(we) could seriously do with a lucky break.

I'm getting my nails done this morning. A friend of my sisters needs a "model" for her exam. She is studying nail technician (something like that). I don't mind, I get a free manicure... (and if she can convince me a pedicure too.)

And that is all from me. My mind is some where else, so let me rather go find it.