"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life and someone is missing. It's a happy life -- "

(Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Update:

My laptop just shocked.

Bastard.

It's grown quite chilly here, so we've got hot chocolate brewing and a fire lit and we are avoiding the remaining cleaning that needs to be done.

In the light of the fire, the garlands and the tree, I am sitting here, holding yet another test. Indeed, we stopped on the way home to purchase new FRER and new $tree. We got home and I immediately peed into a cup again. I'm getting quite good. I used this morning urine (which I had saved for this purpose) to take a $tree - hoping for a baseline standard with the new batch. It was a faint positive, fainter than yesterdays. The $tree I took with the new urine took awhile to develop, but did develop a clear pink line well within the limit and more clearly than the test with the morning urine.

Somewhere in this, I noted that the expiry on the newly purchased $tree was 01/10. This made me groan aloud. Dh asked what was wrong and I told him: these tests were controversy ridden, accused of giving out a lot of false positives. Or, the LAST thing we possibly needed.

So to clear the air, I did a new FRER. This time, the line again formed in a minute and it is dark. Not as dark as the control line, but exceedingly pink. Noticeably darker than the morning test.

OK, here is where we stand: Yet another positive test. Tests are getting consistently darker. While the level of dye and the amount or concentration of urine are the main keys in tests getting darker, increased HCG levels can cause it. You can't rely on that - it's not a quantitative test in that way. But it can be an indicator. The fact it's happening consistently is in our favor.

Of course, it takes some time for hcg to be produced in high enough levels to register in your blood stream, and this may be leftovers, and the baby may already be gone. It's likely the progesterone is not high enough, which is causing the period-like bleeding. And it could take some time to work its way our of my system. It'll continually decrease as it is excreted and not replaced by additional hcg and/or higher levels. That's why I am continuing to test - because I assume the tests will get lighter and more faint and finally be negative, indicating the chemical pregnancy is over.

I am genuinely surprised that the tests are darkening. It's actually causing me to be more hopeful, which, honestly, is not helpful. I can deal with a cp. I can really - I haven't had one second where I said "OMG, I'm pregnant again. We're going to have a baby again. We're going to be parents. It happened!" because it's been accompanied by threats from the beginning with the first positive test.

I am half-inclined to say 'I wish I'd never taken that stupid test' and I have to be clear I brought this on myself. Were it not for the stupid test, I'd be convinced I had my period - because it makes its presence felt with a need to change tampons every 4-5 hours (at least that's down from every 2-3). It's my own fault.

But in other ways I'd rather know. I'd rather know what is happening. But it's hard. And it's getting harder. In one sense, it's easier - hope continues to grow with each positive test. I have this idea, true or not, that if this little one can hang on until the bleeding slows, then it might be real and it might stick. But with growing hope, the acceptance of a chemical pregnancy grows harder. Even if that is the most realistic outcome, it is harder and harder to keep calm and keep level and controlled and not get my hopes way, way up.

It's just a tough place to be. I've held it together pretty well, but the continuing lack of answers is difficult.

1 comment:

Oh wow, I missed a lot these past few days! Is there any way to get into your doc to get your betas checked??? It would be a quick turnaround and leave you feeling somewhat more assured as to what is happening?

Yikers, just reading all your entries made me feel what you were feeling and the anxiety is high. How you are managing, I can't imagine myself... I'd be going crazy. Thank God for BLOGS!!

"Now Rachel's weeping for the children she thought she could not bear, and she bears a sorrow that she cannot hide. And she wishes she was with them; she looks and they're not there. It seems that love comes for just a moment and it passes on by.And her sky is just a bandit swinging at the end of a hangman's noose, because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it. And her friends say, 'My, that's tragic.' And she says, 'Especially for the moon.'And this is the world, as best as I can remember it."