0 Shares

Share

Dude! Esquire has launched an “Eat Like a Man” blog complete with wisdom from Padma Lakshmi: “Sex is an act. Love is a way of being. Both are very enjoyable to engage in. Both can be in short supply sometimes.” Meanwhile, in print, guys will soon be able to snatch up Adam Perry Lang’s BBQ 25 (as discussed yesterday), as well as Spencer Walker’s highly manticipated (sorry) Cook to Bang (out May 11) and Sam “the Cooking Guy” Zien’s significantly more civilized Awesome Recipes and Kitchen Shortcuts (just published). Much of Cook to Bang’s ponderings about “culinarylingus” and advice on how to “bring out [a] date’s inner slut” can’t be printed here, but nevertheless, we gave it a read alongside Awesome Recipes and Kitchen Shortcuts.

COOK TO BANG: THE LAY COOK’S GUIDE TO GETTING LAIDThe Pitch: “An everyman’s guide to cooking your way into your date’s bed.”Breakfast: On cooking a “Sex Crazy Mofo Tofu Scramble” for “Hippie Harlots”: “Come morning, they recoil at your screwed-your-brains-out-scrambled-eggs, and lecture you about the poor piggies who died so your bacon could sizzle. The solution: scrambled tofu, a goddamn delicious vegan compromise. Please the shiny happy people who will then please the frisky horny people.”Dates and Bacon: A “magical food combo,” as opposed to “unholy couplings” like Dr. Pepper and milk. Quesadillas: Regarding the “Quesa-diddle-ya,” “figs are pricey, but they are aphrodisiacs of biblical proportions. Isn’t a night of unspeakable acts worth the cost? These quesadillas also make great appetizers to preassemble and take to a backyard BQQ or a Super Bowl or keys-in-the-punchbowl party.”Chocolate: “Chocolate can make men explosive in the sack and unleash a woman’s inhibited sexy beast.”Frozen Food: “You risk freezer burn but this can be an acceptable alternative to rotting food in your fridge. Tortillas and chicken are always good for the Han Solo freeze treatment ... Microwaves are efficient flavor-killing machines. The solution is to drown the bland taste in as much tasty firepower as you can assemble.” Manliest Recipe: Probably the Sexier Than Dead Elvis Sinwich, a banana and peanut butter concoction that should be accompanied by “a milkshake with a fistful of barbituates.”

AWESOME RECIPES AND KITCHEN SHORTCUTSThe Pitch: “No complicated techniques. No fancy ingredients. Just great food anyone can make.” Breakfast: “I’m convinced the title, ‘The Most Important Meal of the Day’ was bestowed upon breakfast by a man, and no, I’m not being sexist Offering to make a woman ‘breakfast in the morning’ definitely increases the chances of there being an ‘in the morning’— know what I mean?”Dates and Bacon: Blue Cheese Bacon-Stuffed Dates “hits so many senses it’s almost food in 3-D. BTW, that pretty much makes no sense.”Quesadillas: “Leftover anything can become a quesadilla — you know that, right? You just need some cheese to keep the thing together because it works like glue.”Chocolate: “You someone special the lights down low candles flickering romantic music, and a smooth dark chocolate fondue to share one fork two mouths.”Frozen Food: Regarding frozen steaks, “I get grief all the time about this idea until I cook for someone and then it’s okay. You can buy thinner cuts of meat — like a ‘flatiron’ or a ‘skirt steak’ — that are frozen in those bags with the air sucked out, and they unfreeze quickly (yes, & I know “unfreeze” is probably not so good English).”Manliest Recipe: “The Manedict” (eggs Benedict with steak, French fries, and gravy) will leave you “standing on the counter of your kitchen screaming ‘I’m the King of the World!!’ unless you’re a woman— then you can yell, ‘I’m the queen of the world.’”