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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

I always wanted to be a skinny girl, but I was always the chubby one. I never really let it bother me through my middle school and high school years, or I tried not to let others see that it bothered me. I was a high spirited, bubbly girl, so most of my high school days I can remember with a smile on my face. But I do remember wanting to be "pretty" like my friends and not having any self confidence.

As I went into my first year of college I wasn't a single girl, so I didn't really care too much about impressing anyone. But after my break up at the end of my second year I told myself how fucking awesome I was and did a little "inside" make over. I told myself that I wasn't going to get any self confidence by putting myself down and thinking that I was a fat slob. So I started looking at myself differently, I thought "Well I'm in this body, might as well try to love it as best I can." So I stopped negatively telling myself that I needed to get "thin" and started to worry less about it and just love myself. In May 2011 my attitude was starting to improve and my self confidence started to grow despite the number on the scale. To be honest I don't even know what my weight was at the time, because I just wasn't ready to find out yet. So I went the whole summer working, partying, laughing, and having a crazy awesome time.

It was time to go back to college and I was a whole different Robyn then I had been at the beginning of 2011. I wasn't afraid to be myself. I accepted everything about myself, all the bad, the good, the strange and even the fucking crazy, mental, wtf parts of me. I was completely myself, robyn guptill and there was no one in the world just like me.

At the end of October 2011 I decided that it was time for a lifestyle change. I started watching what I ate, keeping track of calories I consumed, eating better things for me instead of junk and trying new foods. AND the biggest thing for me was...I stepped on the scale. I was 227-228 and I was okay with that, because my new attitude could handle it, the old robyn would have burst into tears and immediately started putting herself down and think it was the end of the world. So I started to think of ways I could change it. In the first few weeks of watching what I ate and putting good food into my body instead of junk, I lost around 13 pounds. It was just junk weight that was on my body and melted away. But then the Christmas holiday came and I lost track, but I did get an awesome workout in with, Bailey from beingbaileyj.com - check her out, her weight loss journey is amazing!

I really wasn't pushing myself to lose weight, I was just living happily, eating better and accepting who I was. OH! and another reason that I was trying to get my weight down is because my younger cousin, Jackson, is graduating and he asked me to the grand march for his prom. Him and I have been at each others throats our whole lives, so the family was surprised to hear that he wanted me to go with him. Him and his brother are the closest things I have to brothers. I love those boys. So I wanted to look damn hot for my second go at grand march, but more on that later.

It is now the end of March and I just weighed myself today. I am down to 202.2 and it feels great! The funniest thing about weight lose to me is I don't even notice it and people are always coming up to me and saying "oh my goodness you look great! have you lost weight" and I see myself everyday so I don't notice is so I always reply with something like "ahhh, yeah alittle...I guess, but not really." This person probably hasn't seen my in months, so I don't get that shock of how different I look.

Here are some photos. I really had to look around facebook, because I hate being in photos, mostly because of my weight. These before photos are from summer 2011.

I worked at SwallowTail Lighthouse for the summer. This is my lovely Island, Grand Manan. Everyone should come here atleast once in their lives.

I was probably around 230 pounds in the summer, give or take a few pounds.

I'm a photographer and currently struggling to get to graduation. I'll probably complain about this more in another post.

And drumroll...This is me just a couple nights ago

It's quite a difference when I put the photos side by side. And coming down to 202 is a big accomplishment for me. I was 16 the last time I made a weight loss change like this. But at that age I was down to 170. Hopefully someday I'll be back down there.

I'm hoping to get back into working harder to lose weight. I'm going to hop on board Bailey's 195 challenge, but maybe make it 190 or 185. I had expected to gain weight back because I was really sick for a couple weeks and could barely eat and that actually made me drop 7 pounds, down to 204, so I was expecting to have gone up, but instead I went down 2. But anyway, I really hope that there are lots of others out there fighting for their dream to get themselves healthy :) Just remember that you're all beautiful no matter what the number on the scale is. You have to learn to love yourself the way you are before you can make good changes in the best way possible!!

Sunday, 25 March 2012

I was sitting in my bed thinking, "what am I forgetting?" "there's something that's missing" "what do I usually do on sundays?" and then when I realized, I was deeply saddened. The Walking Dead. I have NEVER been into a show as much as I am with TWD, and I watch too many shows, but TWD by far beats them all. If I was held at gun point and told I could only watch one show for the rest of my life, one second wouldn't even be able to pass before the words came out of my mouth. I would marry, yes, exchange vows with this TV show, I am completely committed to it and I feel lost without it.

Look at them! They are the best group of people out there!

I would do anything to be apart of that family. I think these people are going to be together for along time. As in I think this show has really taken off. I've always thought about what it would like to be on a set and I seriously think it would be the utmost AMAZING experience to a zombie on TWD.

This show has strangely changed my life. I was extremely against the zombie phenomena, I thought most zombie movies were unbelievable and corny, so I wasn't scared by them or even interested in the idea, but this show, this show has made it all possible in my head. I have never had such terrify, but insanely awesome, heart pumping dreams in my life! And just the other night during a freak March heat wave, I went to open my window to let some air in - my new bedroom is located on the first floor - when I laid back in bed I found myself really uneasy and anxious and this thought ran through my head, "omg, a zombie could easily see the light from my tv, and break through the screen and get into my room!" Once I had realized what my first thought was, I burst out laughing at myself. I live in a small town, but I feel like my first worry should be more like a passing by trouble maker could see the open window and break it to rob the place, or you know rape me, but no...I was worried about the zombies...the ones that don't exist...yet.

The Walking Dead hasn't just brought me awareness about the possibility of an up and coming zombie apocalypse, but it's also brought me love. Like many other love struck fans I have fallen for the rugged and rough around the edges character, Daryl Dixon, zombie killing heart-throb.

If Carol gets any closer to my man, I may have to take her down.

And finally, the finale, a sad and exciting moment. I was soooo excited for this episode but soooo sad because waiting until the FALL before I'm back into my weekly routine of happiness and fear, is just not something I'm okay with. But there isn't much I can do. I think they did a really good job and opening up some "WTF"'s and "Holy shit"'s during the finally. I think most people can agree that the most questioning part of the show was this ::

Who is this hooded woman and why does she have tamed pet zombies?!

I've heard from people that have read the comics, who she is or alittle bit about her anyway. I hope that the show brings something new to her, to atleast entertain the people that know her already. But I definitely have to say this was the most unexpected and badass part of the finally, apart from Rick's breakdown and scream session at the group. I think he totally deserved to have a little shit fit, but I also think he went alittle far with it.

And there was one other piece from the finally that really struck me funny and made my day. I have my own beliefs, but I do classify myself as a christian and I really have to say that when Hershel said, "I can't profess to understand God's plan, but when Christ promised a resurrection of the dead, I just thought he had something a little different in mind." I lost it. Seriously made me laugh out loud, because it actually fit the saying.

I had to make a post about TWD because I was missing it so much, it's like there is a whole in my life and I had to fill it somehow. I hope there are others out there that feel just like me! and I know there are probably lots!

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Tonight I watched this movie for the first time. Yes, really. But my post isn't about world changing events or the world ending, it's about making decisions.
I know it's a movie but I couldn't get over the amount of people that left the library to walk around in the storm outside, just because they were told that's what was best for them to do and that's what everyone else was doing. If I were given the choice stern wandering around in the blowing, cold, giant blizzard or staying in a sheltered area with four walls to atleast keep the freezing wind off me, I'd choose the damn building! Even in the worst of it everyone could huddle together for warmth...but no they all left.
I know in my life at the current moment I am not faced with life or death choices, but I do have alot on my mind and quite a few things that I need to make decisions about quicker than I would prefer, but I can't keep procrastinating them and I need to jump the bullet and try something different.
The hard thing is trying to make sure I make the right decisions and not only because it affects me, but it's the decisions that involve others.
I've been struggling alot with school, medical, and personal issues for the past couple months and I really have to make some fast, hard decisions. I'm trying not to give up on myself because of conflicting issues so I have decided to give trying to graduate another shot. It's going to be a long hard 1.5 months ahead with little personal life, but I think I'm strong enough to make it happen. With my amazing mother - who has let me move back in with her for awhile and who supports me in whatever decision I make - behind me to push me along, graduating might just be possible. I'll definitely be seeking sanity help from my best friend/aunt/sister/biodad (a nickname not something completely messed up) and I'll probably need my generous father to help me out financially.
Point is life throws alot of shit at you daily and it doesn't usually stop or if it does, not for long. Really all you can do is push threw it and ask for help when you need it. I'm sincerely thankful for all the help I have from the people I love and that love me back.
I would like to dedicate this post to my amazing head professor at college, who has gone above and beyond to help me believe in myself. Thank you Peter!
Have a great night all the followers I currently do not have!

Thursday, 22 March 2012

It's late and I actually have to wake up to catch a ferry in 5 hours, but I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling wishing to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. I decided to be a little productive and write my first entry. I haven't even finished designing this blog, but I really just needed to write and get some things off my chest.

I named this blog "Uncharacterstically Robyn" mostly because uncharacteristically me was taken so I had to use my name, but I chose those words beside I don't believe that we ever really figure out exactly who we are. Maybe at the end of life, in those last few moments it all comes to together and makes sense, but as far as while moving through life I don't think many of us have a freaking clue who were truly are or what the hell we're doing. Sure we all have a basic idea of what our personality is and we've gained a each of our individual "reputations" but every once in awhile we doing something that surprise ourselves, we shock ourselves or even shame ourselves. We do something that we never thought we'd ever do and we all have those moments for the good and the bad. These are big learning points for us, moments when we have to realize that we truly are capable of anything. These moments or periods in our lives can really get our brains thinking about who we really are and what our purpose is. This is what I am going through at the moment. It's a real rough patch in my life and I'm not really big on talking about it, but I find that expressing myself through writing can help a bit, but that's another reason I started this blog. Kind of as a use of therapy. Often times I find myself writing posts in my head - this was before I even had a blog, so it was kinda strange, maybe they were more like mentally written diary entries - while lying in bed, because I suffer from chronic insomnia. I hate writing on paper and I always think that if I open my macbook that I'll never get any sleep, but tonight I risked it and started this damn blog to help me cope with my life.This isn't a blog searching for the answers to be problems, it's really just a personal blog that brings up issues, good and bad, about life. Maybe just to get it out there or to help someone else know that they aren't alone, that they can relate to the same things that I'm dealing with. Despite the rough patch of life that I am going through, I have a lot of awesome things in my life right now. I recently moved back home and in with my mom. Some people wouldn't be so excited to say that, but I love my mother and she's always been there for me, especially in the rough times. I've also taken up the interest of living organically. I've ALWAYS wanted a farm, cause I'm a huge animal lover, but I understand that you have to kill things to eat. So when talk of getting pigs, meat chickens and laying hens came up, I ran with the idea. Plans and preparations will be starting soon, so I'll probably post about that every so often. This is all happening now because of a major heat wave that's hit. Today (March 22) it was 30 degrees in some places on the island, this is completely insane for this time of year. It scares me because that means this summer is probably going to be scorching! For a fair skinned and heat stroke prone kind of girl, this isn't exciting. I think this post has served it's purpose and I've started to feel like I could fall asleep. So night all of the followers I don't have!