Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Make A Chocolate Cake So Good It Can Stop Spousal Abuse Day

Make A Chocolate Cake So Good It Can Stop Spousal Abuse Day!

The folks down at the women's shelter thought you were shitting them. They'll tell you that the first time they watch a miserable wife-beater turn soft and cuddly after a few bites of your chocolate cake. "I thought you were shitting me," the director of the shelter will say. "What's in this cake? Anti-Motherfucker Paste?"

You don't know what's in the cake. You wouldn't know how to write the recipe down if there was a gun to your head. All you know is that you made a cake once and when your Daddy ate it, he died. When you were mixing the batter, you thought over and over with every swirl of your spatula about him sending your mom tumbling to the radiator. About him screaming at her for making things hard. And you mixed the batter until it was just so fine, all the while thinking about nothing but how nice it would be if he just fell down and died.

The cake went into the oven. It came back out and cooled. The icing went on top and your dad bit down and he fell. He didn't get back up.

You haven't used your power since. But your job as an office assistant has turned dull. You need to do some good again. So today, make a cake, but think about stopping spousal abuse while you do it. Don't think about killing nobody. Just think in a gneral way about turning bitter, defensive men into gentle, cooing souls who want nothing but to embrace and sigh with the ones they've got. Then drop the cake off at the shelter.

Tomorrow, make a cake that makes people buy winning lotto tickets. Get rich or get nowhere.