The Way It Has Worked For Me:

Meet A Special One

Fall in Butterfly Love, have all the feelings

Date

Have a Wedding – AKA Cross the STARTING LINE.

You’ve begun. Shit gets real. Grocery shopping and children and assembling furniture and navigating each other’s families and demons and other confusing, terrifying things keep happening. Slowly understand that marriage is not what you thought it would be and your husband is not who you thought he’d be and additionally you are not who you thought you’d be.

Notice there are no more butterflies. Panic like bloody hell. Understand with mounting dread that LIFE has killed the butterflies and this must mean you have “fallen out of love.”

Look into separation.

Start to learn how horribly difficult it will be to get unmarried for you and everyone you love and also – HOLY CRAP IT COSTS A LOT. Try to locate a path of less resistance. Search for some solution that is less emotionally and physically and mentally and financially expensive. It’s often not LOVE that makes us stay- but the expense of leaving. AND THAT’S OKAY.

Ask for help. Meet with experts, talk to wise people, read good books. Mostly, Be still and listen for The Next Right Thing in the quiet.

Wait. Keep waiting. Make no decisions except what to do EXACTLY RIGHT NOW. Sit with the pain. Sit with the struggle. Sit with the uncertainty. Resist the relentless urge to deflect the pain, run from the pain, numb the pain with food- booze -work –future tripping- unkindness- false certainty -busyness or any other Wisdom Killer. Just Be Still and Wait.

SLOWLY embrace the truth that a million warriors have discovered before you – You have not FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. You have fallen out of infatuation AND INTO LOVE. Like it or NOT- THIS IS IT, SISTER. This is Love. It ain’t the Disney version- it’s the REAL version. The Disney version is easy and shiny and struggle free and happily ever after but the Real Version is about allowing struggle to morph you into a bigger, more spiritual being. Real love is about METAMORPHOSIS, and metamorphosis IS FIFTY SHADES OF PAIN – just ask the butterfly. To let Love Work on You, to Let The Metamorphosis happen- you must allow the illusions of who you thought you were to fall away, look reality dead in the eye and open your arms wide to the REAL him, the REAL you, REAL marriage. Fine. You’ll take it. You don’t need shiny. You just need REAL. You understand now that that butterfly chasing is a shallow waste of a life. Because BUTTERFLY CHASERS NEVER SETTLE INTO REAL LOVE. REAL LOVE IS NOT A FLUTTERY FEELING, IT’S NOT BUTTERFLIES. It’s not pink. It’s not glittery. It’s not fluffy. It’s not even all that exciting, on the surface. Love looks like work. It’s utterly intimidating and exhausting. REAL LOVE IS A DAILY DECISION TO GET TO WORK. LOVE IS WORK DONE BY TIRED, HOPEFUL, ORDINARY FOLKS.

Notice how tired you already are and wonder if all this backbreaking, ego swallowing, pride crushing “Love work” will be worth it. For the sake of living without regrets – decide to try.

Show up to WORK every day.

Do loving things for your partner AS AN ACT OF WILL, regardless of how you feel. Assume that eventually, loving feelings will come- because that’s what they tell you. Panic further because it’s been a long time and these loving feels are not showing up.

Keep your head down and keep Love Working. Love without “feeling it” or “meaning it.”

Notice out of your peripheral vision that your spouse has his head down and is Love Working every day, too. Not necessarily AT you or TO you yet (you’re not ready for that) but With you. He’s working alongside you. Tending to the field of your family. Sweating. Sowing. Day in and day out.

Raise your eyebrow at that. Feel the respect for your spouse’s Love Work take root and grow a little inside of you. Then notice that this RESPECT for your spouse’s commitment to keep showing up is turning into warm feelings. This warm feeling is not butterflies. Butterflies are for children. This is very adult. It’s more solid. Steady. It feels grounding instead of flighty. Hm.

Start feeling Loving feelings a little each day. Download the Truth that: Yep. FEELINGS FOLLOW WORK. REPEATEDLY ACT LOVING AND EVENTUALLY- You will find yourself FEELING LOVING. Promise yourself you will never forget that love is not something to wait for or wonder about or search for or hope for but SOMETHING TO SHOW UP EVERYDAY TO CREATE. LOVE Does Not Just Happen. It’s FORGED.

Consider planning a vow renewal ceremony since you and your husband are adults now, and you finally understand what a vow means. You’ve seen that vows can come to life after they’re broken. Just like every other freaking thing- broken is the beginning. You are In Love now. Congrats. It’s not what they promised you when you were young. But it’s good. There is a person you truly KNOW and you love. And there is person who KNOWS you and loves you still.

Start over every freaking morning.

Go to sleep every night feeling exhausted and blessed as hell.

Happy Birthday, Craig. Thank you for being a loving witness to my journey and for choosing me to be the witness to yours. It’s an honor to travel alongside you.

577 Comments

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I am new to your blog, so I am guessing you have already answered this question before but I haven’t been able to track it down. Has Craig written about his experience and if so where can I find it?

As a woman in struggle (aren’t we all) it’s wonderful to be able to find so many amazing voices out there who speak their truth and open their hearts for so many to be comforted by their words and more importantly to help others not feel alone. I’m grateful for your willingness to be vulnerable and share. That said, I’ve been hard pressed to find writings by men who are willing to share their struggle.

I am currently reading your latest book and there are many times after I finish a section I will stop and think I wonder what Craig’s experience was during that time. Hearing a male perspective on so many of these topics would be priceless.

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This is an interesting perspective on relationship building. I am not going to say this applies to most relationships but if you selected a partner with little common ground I can see how this makes sense. I truly wish that the author would not use “caps lock” when trying to express something; it’s childish and more acceptable in text messaging and high school love letters.

Divorce was the path left to me after 29 years. We had done the cycle through out our marriage, all marriages do. And then somewhere along the way verbal and mental abuse came into the picture. It was gradual, got conditioned to it, but the straw that took off my blinders was when our son returned from his overseas tour/military my husband’s reaction was not supportive at all, instead he was demeaning and nasty when our son needed our support and help to put into perspective things that happened in Afghan, talking combat, not a pretty picture. Hubby couldn’t find it in himself to give to our son the bit of support and understanding he needed instead his verbal and mental handouts increased along with his lying. I always prayed for guidance, understanding and help throughout my life and marriage. Sometimes staying is not the answer, I heard my lord when in my heart I felt my marriage die. Almost 2 years after divorce my life is much better, my son and daughter are much happier, calmer, living full good lives, my son still has some issues from his years of service but he is mending, figure this will be a forever ongoing thing but with the Lord all thins are possible. Sometimes ending a marriage is the answer, it is not a decision to make in haste, prayer is needed.

No, sometimes it’s a decision to make in haste. My wasband imposed the decision on me of turning him in to the cops or saying nothing about his felony crimes (B&E, grand larceny) and risking prison myself. You don’t put me in a position like that and expect me to stay married to you. Full stop.

This is the most honest, real and authentic definition of marraige that I have ever read. My husband and I went through all the stages that are described in the piece. My deepest thanks and appreciation to the authors for sharing their inner parts of their marriage with me.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and our marriage often felt like being on a see saw trapped in a tornado. About four years ago we hit rock bottom and only by God’s grace we ended up back on a safe course. Or rather He (God) brought us back home to love.

This comment sums up my marriage also…went thru all the stages in the article, have been married 16 years and about 3 years ago we hit rock bottom where God brought us back to love too. Knowing other marriages have made it after similar circumstances really does encourage and inspire. Blessings to you too!

Married 15 years here, together 16. We started out as one of the happy, in-love couples… with a happy, fun, and easy marriage and wonderful relationship for the first 8-9 years of our marriage, despite challenges of career changes, moves to new cities, and health problems for both of us. Then, we had children. And the roller coaster of our relationship has gone downhill ever since. (We both wanted children/a family… but it changed everything between us.) We have been to some counseling and can still see the good “positive” qualities of each other, but the lack of attraction, lack of fun & friendship between us, just really leaves married life feeling like drudgery, (and us feeling like roommates, rather than husband and wife) with all the daily responsibilities that revolve around taking care of a house, working and raising children, and both of us exhausted at the end of every day. It’s like, where did the fun, spark, playfulness, intimacy, friendship, and communication go?

I read your comment and couldn’t stop thinking about it so I’ll give you a little reply, if you don’t mind… I’ve been with my husband for 15 years as well and we have 2 kids and this post is very relevent to our experience. What I’ve found worked to bring us “back together” is doing little, seemingly insignificant, things together on a regular basis. Things like watching a movie together (about adult themes, no kids, just us) after the kids go to bed or at the theatre and maybe talking about it a little as we make coffee, breakfast, pack lunches in the kitchen the next morning. No big deal, right? No pressure to talk about the hard stuff, feelings, etc. but it connects us a little. Reading an article that is relavent to us and talking about it a little. Sitting down next to my husband who is watching a game (which I truly could care less about) and asking him a few questions about it. Then maybe watching it with him for a few minutes (not the whole game, because that would be torture for me). Having a conversation during dinner and telling the kids to go away every time they interupt. All these little things add up after a while and let him know that he’s still important to me, or more realistically, that he still plays a part in my life, a part that has nothing to do with the kids or the house or the finances. I’m realizing more and more that life is nothing more than all the little, seemlingly insignificant, moments put together to create something which is anything but insignificant. The same goes for relationships. Men often shy away from their emotions, so we sometimes have to come at them from the side and not head on. That way they aren’t on the defensive. So, anyway, that’s my take. I hope that you both can stick it out and give these ideas a chance… Good luck!

My husband and I still have the shine on our marriage (2 years), and I like reading real stuff about marriage to keep our feet on the ground. I enjoyed this article, but was more fascinated by the comments. As I read about the readers who found their spouses emotionally distant or not being good parents or all the other tricky situations, I wondered what their spouses were like when the marriage began. Did the person change or was it all hiding under the surface? How did they not know the person was selfish or controlling before entering the marriage? I don’t mean to judge in any way, honestly. It’s an actual question that rose for me as I read that I would love to hear answers to. I got married years after my friends, and while I was planning my wedding, many of them were signing divorce papers. It brought many questions like this up for my husband and I as we wanted to be committed to make our marriage last our lifetimes. Perhaps there is a piece of reality here not only for the married couple whose honeymoon phase has long ended, but the engaged couple with stars still in their eyes.

Angie,
See my comment above. I am wondering the same thing right now about my husband. He was NOT emotionally distant for the first 8-9 years. And it gradually happened after having kids. (And I’m the opposite — a talker and emotionally good communicator.) It’s very painful to me that he no longer connects with me in this way. I do still see all the good things and positives about him — he’s a good person/good man. And, I don’t know if he changed or if he was this way underneath the surface, but fought against it for the first half of our marriage. That’s what’s so confusing right now. I really related to the other poster’s comment below about, emotional intimacy for women is like sex for men, and none of us want to hear “not tonight honey.” This is so true. It hurts very badly that I’m not getting this need met in our marriage for many years now. I feel like a man feels, when he’s starving for sex. I’m starving for emotional intimacy and connection/friendship with him. Sometimes I look at him, and I think, “he’s such a good person, I DO see that, but where did my husband and best friend go?” I know most relationships change and I accept almost all the changes that have happened over the years with us, except for this one. I think it’s because it’s a major need of mine, and it hurts desperately that it’s not being met. Do I want to divorce over it? Throw away 16 years and hurt our 2 young children by taking away both parents. No, I don’t. But, it’s hard thinking that I will have to live this way for the rest of our marriage if he indeed has changed, and this is who he is now. We’ve talked about all of this too, but don’t know what else we can do to “fix it” if this is who he is, and who we are now as a couple. So, yeah, we spent half of our marriage as one of the happy/lucky couples and the 2nd half of our marriage as a struggling couple, just trying to stick together and hold onto the hope that we’ll get back to happy again one day. Not knowing if we will, is painful, and a daily painful struggle to think about.

Lacey Mae,
Maybe he feels it too but doesn’t know how to express it. My husband and I have been together 23 years and have 8 children. There were certainly times that were bad, bad, bad. We were each so lonely. I told him that I knew he was going through something and I still loved him (even though I didn’t LIKE him at that time). And because we made a commitment, there was no other option but to wait and try to be nice.

Maybe you could just go for a walk or out to coffee or someplace that’s neutral and just tell him how much you love him and how committed you are and tell him after that what’s bothering you.

Lacey Mae,
This may not be applicable, because I can’t tell how old your children are from your post, but I have two observations. 1) Having little kids is super-difficult, even if you wanted them and worked hard to get them. It changes everyone. But not permanently. I found that when our children got a little older and more self-sufficient and we could devote more time to each other and a little less to meeting every need of theirs, we were “us” again in a way we hadn’t been for a few years when they were pre-school age. Hang in there. 2) We had our kids early in our marriage, so we never knew any different, really. We had a honeymoon phase, and then we had a family. I imagine that being each other’s main focus for 8-9 years and then suddenly not– would be a very difficult adjustment that is likely to take some time. I know it’s been some time and it feels interminable right now, but I would try not to think of it that way. Whenever I think “this is how it’s going to be for X years until one of us dies,” I feel pretty defeated. Hang in there. It really sounds as if you’ve got something good there and another person on your team who wants you to be happy, even if he doesn’t know how to help you be. That’s HUGE.

My husband I am will be married for 11 years this May. Within the first 5 years of our marriage, we had three kids (now 10, 7 1/2, and 6). We have struggled through many things for years now (but I don’t regret that at all). I start to feel emotionally starved at times, and I realized, it’s always due to ONE THING: not enough conversation.

Let me back up. We’ve always made “adult time” a priority. Nap time was always sacred in our home when our kids were younger, and we would jump through hoops to try to make sure that the newborn, toddler, and preschooler all went down for a nap at the same time. Then we would pick a movie, play a video/board/card game, read a book together, etc. It was so refreshing to cuddle and relax together and not have to parent (for an hour or two). Then bedtime was 8, and 8 – 10 was adult time again. We did this for years, and it really helped us to stay close.

But after a while, I realized I STILL felt emotionally distant from him. A while back, we had begun to have “his” or “her” nights, to keep things balanced, so that he wouldn’t always get his way, nor I mine. So I decided on some of my nights to pick, or during naptimes, I would start asking to just make us some coffee/tea, sit at the kitchen table across from him, and talk. It could be about nothing, just some silly thing I saw on Facebook, or something that happened at church that I forgot to mention on the day he missed for Drill. And that did WONDERS. It didn’t cost us anything (if we could afford more date nights out, we would), but it was like being on a date with him again, which had become WAY too rare. He didn’t feel any pressure to talk, and it wasn’t to have super deep conversations every time, but it made me feel SO much closer to him, just to be looked in the eye, and heard. This over time has even helped our intimacy. When I don’t feel close to him, I have a hard time wanting to be with him. But these little, tiny conversations changed that. The movies we’d watch and all that was good, but it felt like we were just being friends. I’m glad I married my best friend, but I missed feeling like he was more than that.

Try to find out what it is that makes you feel close to your hubby. What did you do together before marriage? Before kids? Did you take long walks? Watch movies and cuddle? Go out for coffee, or dinner? It’s a worthwhile investment to get a sitter (friend, relative, or paid) and make some time for the two of you. I understand changes in libido and everything after kids, trust me, but carving out some time to “couple” and not “parent” is SO refreshing, and good for your kids, too. Also, if you haven’t read “Bringing Up Bebe,” I highly recommend it. Apparently the French are better at preserving the couple within the family than most American couples do. 😉 I really enjoyed reading it.

I just think this mode of thinking is dangerous. To feel that marriage is “work” suggests that we are not living in the grace of Christ.

If we truly understand God’s forgiveness to us, and have a relationship with Christ, we feel God’s overwhelming love. We love others through this experience, this includes our spouse. While we may have moments of frustration, the underlying sense of love is always there, a manifestation of the Spirit, and not something we ourselves produce.

There is no evidence that Jesus felt that love towards his disciples was “hard work”; He didn’t do “love work” in order to love us. Instead, He loved us FIRST, then the “work” (suffering and death) followed. We should follow that example, and let Christ manifest His love to our partners through us.

If we don’t do this, and try to white-knuckle/muscle through “forging” love, and doing “love work” by our human strength, we will fail. We weren’t designed to do any good thing without the grace of God. God says tells us that His yoke is light. If we feel exhausted and depleted in our daily lives, chances are we are relying on ourselves and not Him.

Again, this is said out of love. Maybe we all agree but are using different language to say the same things. Still, my point is important. Peace

Keep in mind, I’m not saying that things should always feel easy; no one is judging you for FEELING like it is hard. I am merely saying that Christ wants to fill us all in a way so that marriage/life isn’t a struggle. We all feel bad sometimes, but God wants to take over and let us rest in Him. That’s all I’m trying to say.

Last LAST thing, I promise!~ Just read through the blog, and have to say: it doesn’t seem like NOT feeling love is the problem. If you divorce, it isn’t because you didn’t feel love. That’s too much for you to bare, and it simply isn’t true.

You may not feel loving when your spouse does something terrible, but you love him. You feel the love. That’s why it hurts. That’s why you still try. The distinction is important because this love comes from God. It isn’t your fault if there is something else (like adultery) that causes you to leave. It isn’t because of a lack of love. It isn’t your fault.

people are just Different! Some DO get the easy butterfly marriages. most have to work, and I love this article for reminding us that that is the norm, and there can be light at the end of the tunnel. For me it was scary for awhile, but we worked and stayed and now it’s great. Not a dream come true but genuine happiness. But I think the work only is successful if 2 people are flexible. If one person is a wall and the other keeps trying and bending…. It sucks the person who’s trying dry. If your genuinely, kindly, lovingly trying to do what’s best for your marriage (and not just trying to appear like you are) and never getting anything back you have to leave eventually. I worry that many women will see this and waste there life “working.” The key is spending some time quietly, gently, in a non-controlling way working to bring love and understanding back. Look honestly at yourself and your faults and work on them. And even give them some time, maybe lots, where they are not yet trying because they still need to just become not angry and defensive. But working forever and getting nothing back is a waste of your life. My husband happens to be a great man, sometimes selfish, sometimes thoughtless lots of faults but also wonderful and worth working for. That doesn’t mean every man is, so don’t work forever and get nothing back!

As a side note, “trying”/working” looks different for everyone, my husbands not a huge emotional talker, but I could tel when he started getting up early to take the kids to school so I could sleep… He was trying to say “I love you, I’m in this with you ” so appreciate the different ways they “work on it” and that it doesn’t have to look like yours.

Good luck to you all, it’s comforting to know we’re all out there fighting the same fight trying to find and hold onto adult love:)

And don’t go telling other people they are wrong- why do people need to be rude to each other online???? Lots of different relationships and there opinions are valid too! Have some respect for your fellow human being:)

So true that your spouse’s “work” might look different than yours! My husband is also not a great verbal communicator– he definitely “shows” rather than “tells” me he loves me. Expecting him to express love “my way” just diminishes his efforts and makes us both feel bad. Great point.

Wow, lots of varied comments. I’m in he 20+ club and haven’t been through a fraction of the difficulties the author and many others have. I think the problem for many is they ‘marry for love’ rather than ‘marry for life’. My wife and I had common values, goals and hopes for the future before we married. We did pre-marriage counselling and had some help to sort and clarify dome issues BEFORE we got married. I believe this has helped us in our 20+ years and it concerns me that I see many couples who are madly in love and hook up but everyone around them is thinking ‘it will never work, they are so different’. It bewilders me why people enter into marriage without doing some pre-marriage work.

Married 15 years and together 16. Hubby and I did all the work & pre-marital counseling before hand too, and “married for life” rather than marrying for love/butterflies/passion & lust. Our relationship was based on common values, background, goals in life, and friendship. And for the first 8-9 years, we had a wonderful, happy and easy relationship, despite challenges, we never doubted “us.” (See my full post above.) But now, we’re struggling, despite all the pre-work we did, and despite our first 8-9 years of being happy together.

Though, I do agree with you. EVERYONE getting married should do the pre-marital work. It’s going to come up anyway in marriage. Might as well work as many things out as you can ahead of time.

For those of us with more than one marriage under our belts – though we swore just like everyone else did we’d never be a statistic – we know better than this. With the first marriage, I knew better than this. In fact, is anyone REALLY this naive?

But even then… you learn not to sweat the small stuff. You learn to just live. You learn to be. Crazy as it sounds, so grateful that I have all the lessons from my divorce to apply to my now awesome marriage. It’s not work. It IS easy and it IS fun. It’s amazing and all that and a bag of chips. But it’s because I learned the hard way.

For all you people who want to do it once – get your heads out of the clouds. Don’t worry about a WEDDING that lasts a day. Focus on creating a life and a MARRIAGE. That is what matters. You and your partner will be better for it.

Been having such a hard time, sitting here days away from our tenth anniversary and finding myself still stuck on step #10, where I have been for so long. Still in the phase where I am too afriad to tell him how much I hurt,for fear of breaking him… Where daily pep talks with myself in the shower happen. Where I force myself to try to love as a verb even if I am not sure I even rememeber the ” feeling kind of love.” Where I hate myself for becoming cynical and jealous when I see a friend talk about how amazing her husband is or how much I have come to loathe rommantic comedies. Where the lonliness and emptiness makes me snap at my children and fantasize about grabbing the car keys and sneaking out for just an hour or one night, just to be alone. But, also where I know divorce is not the answer and I know God is not finished with us yet….so I keep on with the praying and the shower pep talks. Lord, help me and show me the right way to go. Help me to love like you do, love that loves, even when someone does not love you back…You, Lord ,know that kind of love, you love all the unlovable and call us all yours

Sometimes it’s not that we are not loved back but that we are not loved in the way we need to be loved. Don’t let the tv/movie romances lead you to believe that’s what love is. That’s the ‘butterfly’ love. When you hear others talk about their amazing husbands, remember it may not be as rosy as they’re trying to make it. I know many women who go on and on about their romantic, wonderful husbands when the reality is that their husbands are verbally/emotionally abusive, adulterous or are just cold towards them. All is not as it is portrayed. Get past your fear of not telling him how you feel. He’s not a mind reader. Perhaps he’s wondering where it all went wrong as well. I’ve been married 25 years and the key to being more in love with my husband now than they day I married him – communication.

YES – exactly Melody!!! That’s what I miss is the communication. I think for us, the breakdown in communication, led to a downhill landslide to everything else, and why we’re struggling so much right now.

I love this article! It articulates well a lot of my own marriage experience!

I’m not saying I’m through the storm yet… we get some pretty big waves still, but the silver lining is more breathtaking than ever… and I sometimes find diamonds in the rain… until I chuck ’em overboard during the next squall. 🙂

This article is so accurate! For all of the naysayers, I just want to say that sometimes the time frame and the amount of work needed to put in is far longer and harder than most people have the patience for. We started working on our marriage right away, but mostly it involved me working on myself, and us working on “us.” It took many, many years for my husband to realize that, in fact, he was the lion’s share of the problem, and instead of trying to fix me, it was him that needed adjusting. Once he finally realized it, being a problem solver, he was committed to working out his issues. Although he failed many times, we both kept at it. This whole process in our relationship took about 25 years. We are now at 30 years, and we almost never get mad at each other. We have solved most of the 10,000 problems we started with, and there is almost nothing left to fight about. He is the wonderful, loving husband I always dreamed of. I’m so glad that I stuck with it, continued to problem solve every step of the way… and didn’t kill him in his sleep as I wanted to countless times in those 25 years. I’m not saying every marriage is capable of a happy ending, but if there are no serious deal breakers like abuse, drug use, or cheating, and you two just “don’t feel it,” don’t give up. It’s not a matter of picking the right person, it’s your level of commitment and perseverance at solving problems. If you leave this relationship and start another, you’ll just have to start at the beginning and solve a bunch of the same problems again.

I’m in tears. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years but only married 6 months. Everything being said explains exactly how I feel. The fear, the guilt, exhaustion, and the list goes on. separation has been on the tip of both of our tounges but neither really knows what to do to make things better. It is so comforting to know we are not alone. That we need to honor our commitment and “work”. It is so comforting to know that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing your honest struggles. My friends don’t even do that.

Praying for you! Yes, stay committed! It is possible to regain those butterflies after all the pain… what is amazing is those butterflies turn into flying unicorns 🙂 I’m not through the storm yet, but I have glimpsed a few unicorns and they are uh-mazing!

I hope that can happen for me and my hubby. We haven’t had butterflies for a long, long time now. Years in fact. (See my original post above.)

Still together though, trying to stay committed and keep our family (with two young kids) together… despite the pain and struggle, and holding onto hope that we will get back to butterflies and flying unicorns.

My marriage relationship bears every resemblance to this post. “You’ve seen marriage vows come to life after they’re broken.” YES! Broken is the beginning. And I am grateful for the brokenness. And for my faith and stubbornness and whatever it is I feel for my husband that made me stay and work and pray like hell and believe in God’s promise to me.

Im not so sure i like “broken” ive been here for about 4 years and im about over it…God wants you to be happy and be with a person that loves and respects not only you but your child…I dont feel I have that. Sounds easy and nice but I dont think I buy this for one second.

This has to be said: my 12 years of happy marriage bares no resemblance to the author’s experience whatsoever. Love is NOT work, folks. Love IS a feeling. It comes from God. You can’t “do it”. Sorry, it isn’t work.

Love is no more work than NOT murdering someone is work, NOT stealing a car is work, or NOT harming an animal is work. Love is the result of God living in you. It just happens. It doesn’t take white-knuckled determination, and you don’t deserve an “atta-boy” for doing it. There is something bigger than you living inside of you that IS love. It’s not up to you. Don’t try to make it so.

This person is not an idiot and you were dead wrong for saying so. The problem is that people look for some sort of magical formula to fix their problems in marriage and there are NONE. Virgie is right- you either love someone or you don’t. The key is allowing God to help you show that love and that is something that works differently for every couple.

I am so glad you said this. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and whenever anyone says marriage is hard work (seems like the norm for most people) we are always confused. It has never been hard for us and frankly I was starting to think I was doing something wrong because of just how easy and comfortable our relationship has always been. I feel sad for everyone who feels the way this article does but I have yet to experience this or understand it.

Wrong. Still is just trying to “instill” fear. The article is about the honeymoon period ending, and reality setting in. This happens usually within the first few years. After nine, you are there, believe me.

And you’ve had the “serious” life changes, if you’ve had a child, lost/changed jobs, etc.

Still, I have also been married for 9 years as Shauna has, and we HAVE been through more than most do in 40 years yet I agree with Shauna. Its our second marriage and we have had ex wife issues, controlling and manipulative MIL issues, step children issues, illness issues, have 5 grown children between us and much more, but the marriage itself has been strong from the beginning and we have a very good relationship and that I still love him to bits and he me. All marriages are different of course.

I think Virgie is right that love comes from God. God IS love (1 John 4:8). And some folks, like Virgie and Shauna are blessed with different marriage experiences than others. It doesn’t make Virgie or Shauna wrong just as it doesn’t make Glennon or myself wrong (I personally identify more with Glennon) to have different marriage experiences. As long as it is achieving the goal of making us more like God (more selfless, loving, kind, gentle, etc), it is good.
I disagree with Virgie that “love is a feeling” and “is not work” and “just happens.” Jesus dying on the cross did not “just happen” but took “white-knuckle (and blood sweating) determination.” His love as demonstrated on the cross, love in it’s purest form, was the greatest, hardest work in the history of mankind.

Agape love — sacrificial love — unconditional love — does not have the chance to manifest until the object/person of your love has done something to no longer deserve your love yet you choose to love them anyway. It is the most mature and satisfying form of love but it is very difficult to achieve. It is the type of love God desires all of us to model. It is the will to love and will exist if you choose to make it exist, whether or not the feelings are there. Feelings always follow where you put your work in. If you put your work in your work, that is what you will become passionate about. If you put your work in your marriage, the feelings will follow there too.

Random Woman, absolutely agree. We are all unique, and some people do have a smoother and more comfortable relationship than others do. Some of us come with a lot of baggage that requires personal work to even be able to love with maturity, which includes sacrificial love. Some of us choose poorly, or expect romance/butterflies to continue and believe love has died when the infatuation period ends. I happen to be in a marriage about to have our fifth anniversary, and I still have a crush on my husband, and it is an easy relationship. The work I did was on myself, preparing myself to be a match to a wonderful man like him. Every day invites me to pay attention, to enjoy his company and walk through life with my best friend. I think age has something to do with it (we’re in our 50’s) and that we’ve both seen tragedy and loss, which makes every day a sweet and appreciated blessing. Mostly, it’s a decision: to stop what I’m doing and accept his bid for my undivided attention, to listen to him, to appreciate and encourage him, to share in his happiness and his losses. He does the same for me. Is it easy? Once the decision and commitment is made, it’s very simple. But the challenge for me is I love my work, and spend long hours. Putting him before anything else, that’s a conscious effort. Not taking him, or our marriage, for granted. His loving efforts to do the same, encourage and inspire me, and I know I’m truly seen and loved. So is he.

But this is a mistake of causality, and an important distinction must be made. Christ sacrificed BECAUSE He loved us, not IN ORDER to love us (feel love).

This is a critical distinction because people get caught up believing that it is up to them to hang on, maintain, create love in their relationship. NO HUMAN CAN DO THIS. It is too much to carry. If this is your goal, YOUR MARRIAGE WILL FAIL. One’s goal must be to seek the kingdom of God. If we make a “good” marriage our goal, we will more surely NOT have that. Please consider what I am saying. It comes from a place of love.

I can relate to the main article. I can relate to so much of what has been shared here. I AM a Christian. My OWN judgment is seriously flawed, because I am HUMAN. NO MATTER how close I get with my LORD in THIS part of life, I DO NOT have the RIGHT to ram my opinion into ANYONE else. My life experience is MINE, and mine ALONE. EVERY SINGLE ONE of us falls into this basic description. Now, form the Christian perspective, we ALL have huge, different, UNIQUE experiences with our LORD. IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM THE ONLY EXPERIENCE!! Just because some don’t seem to have to work as hard at their marriages, doesn’t make them wrong! And equally, others aren’t wrong because they DO have to work at theirs. WE ARE ALL ICMPERFECT HUMANS. And then there are the non-Christians. A lot of those marriages work better than a lot of the Christian ones! How do you justify their success, when so many Christian marriages fail? Please, everyone, share here with some dignity and sensitivity! (And I haven’t even STARTED to share about our own successes, butterflies, struggles and hard work.) Marriage is an adventure, and adventures have their good bits and their bad bits. Like a roller coaster, it goes up and down, around some impossible crazy bends, and then there are all the surprises! Keep looking TO each other (and God,if you are there) and not away from each other. That seems to work.

The scriptures tell us that love is kind, keeps no record of wrongs, is patient, believes all things, etc. (1 Cor. 13). Nothing is said about ‘feelings’. And this sounds like a purposeful effort and a way to behave to me.

We are told to love our enemies also, that is not easy, but we are told to do it. I am not sure where this idea comes from that marriage is not work. The only One who loves as a pure force of their being is God! Although, Christ lives in us, we are not perfected yet, and therefore our love is not perfect. I have been married 40 years, since age 17. Tough times, not always feeling love, but we cared about each other and we were committed.

Love is a verb. You can say you have love feelings all you like but if you are not acting them out in the real world you’re not going to get very far. But do continue judging others, I think I read Jesus said to do that somewhere.

Love is an action. Not doing something : murder, stealing…is the absence of an action…Love in the action form is the biggest picture of a commitment to our loving father. it’s not a dependence on feelings like the world promotes, but on the commitment to our marriage when the feelings aren’t there. And that happens to most, if not all even” healthy” marriages.

I went by myself to therapy. I went to therapy, group therapy, and couples therapy– without my husband who would refuse to go. I read books, I took care of the children and my husband, I refused to let go. I worked harder than I ever have in my life. I begged him, BEGGED, for him to attend therapy with me. He went to 7 sessions, and every time, he said, I don’t love her anymore and I want out. After 7 sessions of this he said, I’m not coming back. He drank and was verbally and emotionally abusive, he knocked over the kitchen table while slurring at me that he hated me, he had an affair, he kept telling me he didn’t love me. Or that he hated me– depended on his mood. I didn’t believe in divorce. I believed in miracles. But one day I realized, I have two miracles. They are my girls, 9 and 10, who cannot live like this. They need my strength and they need all of me to love them and raise them, not half of me doing what I can and the other half begging myself into a hellhole. So, I made my decision. I told my husband I couldn’t live this way anymore. I either wanted him to get some help, to prove he was willing to work on the little shred of marriage left, or he was choosing that he didn’t want me anymore. He moved out. I waited, just in case. My priest at church told me that God wanted NO ONE treated this way, that as His child, I had to do what was best for His children who were mine, too. He gently explained alcoholism, and then he told me to get an attorney. Now, 9 months later, I am preparing to sell our house. I am trying really hard to get along with my future former husband. I try hardest to make it okay for our daughters. YOU CANNOT SAVE A MARRIAGE ALONE. YOU CANNOT SAVE ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF SOMETIMES. And when you pull yourself away broken and sobbing, not knowing what step to take next sometimes moment by moment, you have to remind yourself that YOU TRIED. But it takes TWO TO TRY in order to HEAL. One person alone does not make a marriage. We all have our own stories, none are right, none are wrong. They are part of the tapestry. The only thing to do is NOT JUDGE what did or didn’t work elsewhere. I still love my (almost) former husband. Sometimes I cry so hard my eyes feel like I have shards in them, because I miss something about him or us or the past. But I did what I could to save us. I have that to comfort me. And I do have two miracles…he gave them to me and I will always be grateful for that.

This truly is great advice. However, what can be done after eight years of telling, asking, begging, fighting a person for what you need in your relationship? I am not perfect so worked on things that bothered him. He never understood where I was coming from or worked on the things we talked at LENGTH about (just wanting some good ole fashioned love, not sparkly glitter love)… Now I am the one who has made the grave mistake and cheated. I can imagine what you all must be thinking…and so you know, I’ve beat myself up enough about that decision. I have begged for him to come to counseling with me and try to work this out. I am ready to do the love work but all he wants to do is give up and only talk about divorce. Over the past six weeks this is all he’s wanted to discuss…just the negotiations of the divorce. He says he still wants to be my friend but I can’t be his wife because he can never trust me again. I understand why he feels that way and I would feel the same way too if I were him. But I would fight. This won’t work if I am the only one fighting, right? Don’t we both have to be ready to fight for this and both have to be ready to give love work?. I welcome insightful comments or thoughts as I am pretty lost right now…

Negotiate. He wants to negotiate terms for a divorce; you can counter with a time frame. For example, if in six months he still feels strongly about getting a divorce you will talk with him about it. And in that six months you work on yourself by figuring out why you cheated. Was it only that he was not attentive enough? That’s rarely the case. There is likely something else in your history that nudged you in that direction. Discover what that was and share it with him. Ask him to walk the road of discovery with you because you NEED him. Interdependence in essential in a marriage. Hopefully, you can find a place where he needs you, too.

WendyRN1, thank you so much for your reply. I have asked him about a 6 month separation an he is always unwilling. I feel like time apart would help us both figure out what we need…me to begin to show him he can trust me and he can begin to look inside himself too. He is (“by nature”) emotionally detached most of the time and always unwilling to go to therapy, but I haven’t given up hope.
To answer your question, yes there is more than him being unattentive…there is a major lack of intimacy and effort with my family and close friends (who mean the world to me), he doesn’t believe in God, and we also struggled with fertility issues (we never had a child though) so there are several issues percolating. I am an over-communicator so he knows the way I feel. Thanks again for your words and encouragement.
Still lost…
LL

I also put in 8 years in a failed marriage. I did exactly what you did — all the work!! He also refused counciling — big RED FLAG right there. I didn’t cheat but emotionally I knew I was out a long time ago so as soon as i found out his secrets and why he didn’t want counciling, it gave me the instant freedom to END our marriage. You have all the signs you need to leave. If I were you, I would ask yourself what are you worth? Are you worth what he has been giving you so little of (emotionally, intellectually, intamatly, etc)? Cheating might mean you wanted out. It usually does. 8 years is a long time to be the only one working on your marriage. I went on to really dig in therapy/meditation, to see what my part was in our failed marriage. Then I went on to meet the man (and 2 children) of my dreams. (I cant get pregnant either.) ‘Ask and ye shall recieve [what you think you are worth].’

Wow, what an amazing story you have to tell and powerful wise words. Thank you for your thoughts and kind encouragement. I feel like you are speaking my language right now. Again, many thanks and wish you all the best.

I had a husband that never listened to me when i was upset about something. I would get blown off. FOR 5 YEARS. And then he cheated on me. Repeatedly. I tried for 5 years to do all the work in the relationship to keep us together. And this is the exact definition of codependency. If your husband doesn’t value and respect how you feel and your emotional needs, then of course he’s gonna try to take the easy way out and divorce you. And blame the divorce on you cheating. That’s what super self-centered emotionally unavailable men do. If you want to keep doing all the work in the relationship, and not get anything out of it, then negotiate or beg him to stay or whatever. You will not get your emotional needs met until he’s willing to take very honest and unflinching stock of himself and look at what he contributed. Yeah- cheating was your stupid decision. But he’s contributing unhealthy patterns to that relationship, too. And nothing will be fixed unless he’s willing to work too. A marriage takes 2 fully devoted people. You can’t do it by yourself.

Exactly my point. I feel like He is completely disengaged on a whole new emotional level. I know what I did was selfish, stupid, wrong, and the list goes on, but prior to this I have asked (and begged at times) for him to go to counseling (alone and as a couple) but he has zero interest in doing that emotional excavating. I guess I will be doing it on my own and I just pray for some peace and understanding to out of this in the end.

I would also like to add that ignoring your emotional needs, and not taking the time to care or try to understand (or just do whatever you need regardless of whether he understands) is a form of emotional abuse.

I am very sad for you yet I am angry on your husband’s behalf too. Adultery is pretty messed up and unless he has cheated on you, you have no idea the hell he is experiencing right now. I can completely relate with your husband and so I will tell you what my husband and I did to save our marriage. Now if he HAS cheated on you or is physically abusive, then my below advice won’t work, and you really need to find a good counselor.

1. Pray!!! 2. Own your affair. 3. Be quiet. 4. Live one day at a time.

1. I have seen miraculous intervention in my marriage and in other marriages through prayer. It’s worth a try.
2. Own your affair. From reading your posts, it seems you are not claiming complete responsibility for your affair. It seems you are telling him, had he been a better husband, you wouldn’t have done it. That is the best way to push a person away! Though it might be true, you need to stop focusing on trying to change him and focus on fixing your own character flaws. This takes us to 3.
3. Be quiet. Stop telling him how he doesn’t measure up. If you want him to love you unconditionally then start by respecting him unconditionally! You are no sweet potato pie yourself. Focus on how you can show him respect in what time you have. Remind him of the things that caused you two to fall in love in the first place. Now since you are a communicator-type, you do need to find a good counselor to help you on your way and to help encourage you through this difficult process.
4. Live one day at a time. You aren’t divorced yet, so maximize every moment you still have to be the best wife you can be. Even if the divorce becomes final, you haven’t lost him until another woman enters his life (that may be a couple years).

Yes, this seems to be putting a lot of burden on you. I see that you do not wish to give up and so there is great hope for your marriage because of your conviction. Here are some helpful books (for YOU, not him):
If he is cheating/abusive/porn addict…. how to show loving boundaries and keep your self-respect intact: Love must be Tough by Dr. Dobson
To own your affair: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass
To learn unconditional respect: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
To focus on 1 day at a time: The 40 Day Love Dare inspired by the movie Fireproof.

I will be praying for you. Divorce is not easier than sticking it out. I’ll pray he sees that too.

As I think over what I wrote, I realize I may come across more condemning than helpful and that was not my intent. I apologize. I want you to know it takes a strong woman to be vulnerable to the masses. And the fact you want to save your marriage is VERY commendable in my books. You also do have very valid concerns… he is not meeting your needs for emotional intimacy and has blown off your attempts to share your needs with him. I once told my husband my need for emotional connection through conversation is like a man’s need for sex. No one likes to hear, “not tonight dear, too tired.” Lightbulb moment for the both of us. I hope you are able to save your marriage and that he agrees to counseling.

LL its a fact that some people can stay after cheating and some cant. The trust has been shattered and some people feel they cant trust again. I do know couples who did work it out and have gone on to have good marriages, but you MAY have to accept that for him the marriage will never be the same and is over…..

LL, Are you functioning out of guilt over the affair or do you want to stay out of love? All I’m asking is for you to examine the years BEFORE the affair and ask yourself, “If nothing changes, do I still want to live the life we had?” You can go to counseling to heal YOURSELF but there is not one thing you can do to change your husband….I have traveled that road and it is a never ending circle if he does not want to “do the work”. If he is emotionally unavailable, if he chooses to not examine himself, you will continue to run into that brick wall. The wound will scab over but before it can heal, which it never will, you will throw yourself into the wall again and again. So, if he chooses to stay the same stoic, unavailable emotionally person he is now, where do YOU see YOURSELF in five more years? That is the question my counselor asked me after 2 years of trying to save my marriage. I would like to preface my next comment with stating that I am a Christian but just as important, I am a spiritual being. So I am not going to lecture you. The only verse I would like to reference is the one that Jesus said, “I have come so that you can have life and have it more ABUNDANTLY.” Is your life abundant in any aspect of your marriage? What about 1 year from now? 2 years? If you are the ONLY person showing up for counseling, that is fine. But DO NOT do it to change him. Do it for YOU! That is what saved MY LIFE from staying Ina marriage that was dead years before the divorce papers were ever signed. You deserve the best love and life have to offer but you must first find the joy that will sustain you through life, and that is the joy you find in YOURSELF. So many people seek their joy in another person and that will NEVER be fulfilling. Even if they have a wonderful marriage, one must first love themselves. I believe that love is found through a higher power, a spiritual fulfillment that cannot be found in another person. So, please go to counseling preferably with someone who works with codependency issues. Your husband is telling you he will not go, so be it. He is not wanting to change and perhaps never will. That is a hard pill to swallow because YOU want him to change. But that isn’t going to happen. I am 59 years old which may sound ancient to you but 24 years ago I was exactly where you are. I worked on myself and dug deep within to change ME. I still “work” on myself every day from sliding into my old behaviors. BUT I nowhere resemble the girl that I was when I thought I had to stay in a marriage to save it when the man chose to stay rooted in HIS behavior and his cave of no communication with me. He professed his love for me but did nothing to grow emotionally….it was ME who needed to change, according to him. And I did….and I wouldn’t go back and change one thing for all the work and soul searching I did for MYSELF! My prayer for you, LL, is that you will choose to get help for you…and you will find YOUR joy, YOUR love and everything else will fall into place. One more thought: Do not delve into any other relationship until you have time to do this for yourself. That will only muddy the water for you. YOU are enough. Love and Light for your new journey!

Is it love that makes us stay, or the expense that is so great. If you stop to think, the life long burden our hearts can not take. My hopes and dreams pile like a mountain, each day passes by, it’s only getting higher. Your strength inspires me, I long for your desire. I watch you when you don’t know it, my heart melts, but I try not to show it. Keep moving forward, I won’t give up, even when times get tough. One day others will envy our love, today we are together, for that, I consider a gift from above. You are my forever, one and only, between us, our happiness will better.

I read this blog post the first time and again last night. I get it, I really get it, but HOW? I can’t get past the feelings of not wanting to be here with him. In fact, I’d like to be anywhere else. I’m sick of feeling like I (and most of the time our children) are last on his list. I know he is a good man who may just be dealing with his own stuff, but I’m spent and don’t know HOW to get past the anger and bitterness and do the love work. I don’t want to throw in the towel on our 16-year relationship, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life being unhappy. Life is too short. How do I start?

I’m not a fake it till you make it girl, but I don’t think faking it is the point here. I think the point is that the real list of how to get through vs the list of what we anticipated marriage to be like is so disillusioning. The lists will vary from couple to couple though. How to persevere and do love work within your own marriage is going to look different for everyone based on what they believe and how they each love. Reflect on a different hard aspect of your life, or a different difficult relationship…what got you through that? Prayer? Counseling? Supportive friends? Peace be with you 🙂

I know what it’s like to have been married for 34 yrs and then have it all fall apart because your spouse didn’t want to make it work. He looked over the fence and then crossed over and divorced me. As hard as it would have been to really work at our relationship, both him and me…it’s far harder to have it all torn apart. It’s been an excruciating journey and it affects so many people you love…siblings, parents, children, grandchildren, friends to name some. It affects all areas of your life…your world is completely turned upside down. So from someone who’s been married for many yrs….please don’t take the “easy” road and give up…it’s NOT an easy road! Get help if you don’t know what to do to “fix” things in your marriage.

I am right there with you, together for 8 1/2 years and I think the the think that makes me dislike him the most and sick to my stomach is the lack of emotion I see him express to our one child. I feel like she needs us both but gets attention and affection from just me… I have nothing left for him and it makes me sick. Hes so selfish and I dont want my child to be raised by two people pretending to love or even like another. About 2 years ago I thought of us being roommates and I was ok with that since I took a vow but time moves on and hes in the same place…im just about done! I can hardly look at him

Did any of you see the Dr Phil show several months ago of Kirby Kopp (google it) spanking his wife? I know them and met with him three times. It was like talking to a brick wall. It truly feel like the man is incapable of change. That was my last text to his ex wife. Abusers almost NEVER change!

For how many more years should you fake it ’till you make it, as you’re keep ‘loving’ in a relationship where your husband is in unpredictable cycles of emotional, mental & physical abuse & violence – to you and your two children? His anger management classes have not helped, his abusive cycles have not ended after 6 years of marriage and 4 years of divorce.

Look – these are two different things! A violent man will remain violent. Always! Therefore the first time is one too much. The only real chance for you is to get a divorce – if necessary with the help of an anonymous women’s center.
What she was talking about was not a man who disrespects you with violent or abusive behavior, with drugs, alcohol or other addictions and not with cheating. What she was talking about was when the butterflies go and the (normal, verbal, not abusive) fights come, eroticism changes into boring after an exhausting day with daily life issues.
That’s different. For anything else, like mentioned above, get help and get out of the relationship. A character never really changes. No matter what therapy no matter what time and no matter what promise. A violent person is a violent person is a violent person – and will always be. Especially when together with s.o. he already hit once. There is a little chance to give up on it – to stop drinking, stop beating or what ever else. But never, NEVER, together with the same person. NEVER! That’s an illusion. The earlier you realize this, the earlier and better you can help you both. You and your children as well as your man!

Gabrielle, I’m so sorry for your pain. I think Glennon’s advice is only intended for people in non-abusive relationships. You certainly don’t owe an abusive spouse anything. You owe yourself and your children a safe, healthy environment. I hope you get that, and soon.

TRUTH! eloquently written. fighting for my marriage to be authentic and meaningful is ongoing…31years later. Some days it is easier, others I laugh at how far we have to go… but I am grateful for the journey together with a man who like me is too stubborn to give up or settle for just being roommates.

You are a blessing to me and to many, Glennon. I will share these words with many clients as I work in the field of marriage coaching. Thank you.

Right now I’m somewhere between #12 & #16. It is work! “Love work” ! But despite our very real “adult” issues we are facing after 19 years together (10 married) we will continue to work because that IS what marriage is. Thanks, G, for the reminder I needed today. Wishing you much love in the New Year.

Nice article. But I just don’t know if it is as easy as that. I’ve been married for 14 years to a very selfish and controlling person that treats me like a lesser person and doesn’t respect me. My role is to provide and she, at 40 years old, has never had to work. That’s cool and I wanted that for my children but life is about her agenda. My interests have always been disregarded. Just the way it is. Numerous counseling sessions and she says she will change but actions show never will. So I don’t see how this article in practice can work for all. Who knows????

Nice article. In difficult situation myself, spouse “says” will change and be a companion/partner but actions never reflect that. Her second marriage and my first – 14 years with children. Not easy to walk away. Lots of counseling and no success with it. My marriage has always been what more can I give to my spouse with nothing in return unless it was convenient or conditional on her getting something. Hit a breaking point and just tired of living life only for someone else. Life…

A friend shared this on Facebook and I was intrigued as I started reading it. Sure, things from the “How we’re told it goes…” list were pretty funny and I started to relate to the “How it worked for me…” list for a little bit there also. After nine years of marriage, I laughed as I got through # 5 because sure, things aren’t all tulips and daisies like some would have you believe. But then # 7. Wait, separation…say what?

I started reading after number 7 very slowly and had to go back and forth a few times. The one thing I couldn’t help but notice in reading onward is the point of view from the author….there seems to be no “we” in reference to the marriage,
but rather all things seem to be “you” and “your.” I recognize that there are a ton of marriages that are struggling, but this whole notion that it’s success or detriment can be attributed to only one of the two people seems to be missing part of the bigger picture.

I would love for marriage to be some easily defined roadmap but we all recognize that damn, it can be a complete pain in the ass sometimes. But to tell our future generations to start reading at bullet point # 11 and onward?! No thanks, why try to convince a handful of people to try remaining happy, when all they’re doing is putting on a pretty smile to mask how miserable they really are?

Hey, don’t know….maybe I’ve missed something or maybe I simply don’t comprehend the state of a marriage at this point but had a difficult time relating.

I view that from the perspective that you can only control what you do, not what the other person does. If you want things to change, you can only change yourself. That is the perspective I am working from right now. I can’t change him, I can only change myself. And I am working hard to do that because I want to do everything I can to make the marriage work and to be able to say that I gave it my all. That’s all that I can control.

How is it not “out of proportion and unnecessarily cruel” to claim male leaders cannot be raised by single mothers? How is it “out of proportion and unnecessarily cruel” to opine without a man, women are lost and confused? Just trying to make light of some truly shocking and offensive opinions. If you truly believe his opinions to be accurate, best of luck!

I make no claim to support the original post. Belittling someone personally to such a level won’t change his heart or his head and is not an effective tool against ignorance. Rather, it will likely confirm his conviction. Your intention may have been humor, what I read is hate directed at a person, not a thought. If you can’t understand how someone could see hate in what you wrote, how can you honestly expect the OP to see ignorance in what he wrote?

Oh my goodness, you have no idea how badly I needed to stumble across this today. Things haven’t been good lately, they haven’t even been so-so but painful and so hard that leaving seemed to be the only option. But I haven’t been able to accept the cost. And then this, I read this and it’s what I needed to help remind me that I am not a Disney Princess. Your wisdom never ceases to amaze, humble, reassure, and amuse me. Thank you.

I woke up this very morning convinced that the only way I was going to be happy and peaceful and whole – and to put bad memories and massive resentment behind me was to leave my husband of 11 years. BUT, after reading this today it put some doubt in my mind. I’m still not convinced that leaving won’t one day be the best thing for me, but for today, the ‘Next Right Thing’ is to stay – and to think some more. (And since I have noticed that my husband is trying to ‘show up’ every day, the least I can do is make the same effort). So thank you, Glennon. And thank you for re-posting.
((And thank you for #8 ESPECIALLY – I’ve always felt guilty as hell about this and I am so relieved that this is apparently more normal than I thought.))

This is so spot on and so necessary for the survival of marriage. Unfortunately so many buy into the lie and give up and walk away when they haven’t even gotten to the good part yet. So blessed to be putting in the work. Glennon, thank you so much for the reminder. The timing of this post on my Facebook feed couldn’t have been better.

This essay is worth reading for anyone struggling in the ugliness of a difficult marriage. In fact, many young couples should read your essay BEFORE they get married. Often the only vision of marriage we have is our parents…and they always made it seem easy ( when I know now it probably wasn’t). It is nice to hear, through your honest words Glennon and by reading the comments, that others have been or are struggling just where I am. Some made it out okay, while others needed to separate ( or divorce eventually ). I need to sit back a bit with my head down a bit more and let Love work. I am hoping it will. Thank you!

P.S.- On a side note, I just finished your book and there are two other essays that hit home and might with others….Easter and Unwind.

Beautifully written and so true! It was only through our marital struggles that my husband and I really saw the truth in the vows we made to each other at our wedding – we hung in there through better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and in health. The wedding was just the beginning – marriage is actually walking the truth of those vows.

I can’t say Thank You enough, makes so much sense, when you feel like divorce is so close but so far away! If anyone needed this today, IT’s ME, my BFF can vouch for that right now, I have called her many times in the past couple months dragging her down with me in this painful truth. Thank you so much!

Glennon, your words amaze me, not just today, but every day!! Marriage is a “forged” union between a man and woman for sure!!! This spring WE will celebrating our 20 year anniversary!!! We have been through good times and bad, but have become stronger with every single emotional minute!!! I myself consider myself ONE LUCKY WOMAN to be joined in this BRUTIFUL LIFE with my husband, who also happens to be very dang LUCKY MAN to have me by his side!!! Thanks for all you communicate on Momestary!!!

This saved my marriage, your words and the chapter in the book where you said someone has to pour the wine. It’s hard and messy and just so rewarding to give your spouse the chance to show Grace and they step up, over and over. Thank you more than you know thank you

What a great reminder of love as a verb! After 20 years of marriage I am finally seeing the “through” it of all and yes (!) I have hit EVERY single one of those marks. Ups, downs, insides out- outsides in. Keeping it real was the hardest hardest part.
Surrounded by those that KNOW marriage is the hardest heart job you will ever have…. My awesome mom and dad said it over and over again… Harder than parenting because that love is so much easier —- I have learned how to apply that love not as a marriage per say but a partnership… DOing life and love and it all together. It is BRUTIFUL and messy and soooo worth it!!! And to continue doing the next right thing…..love love love the honesty of this!!!!

women have 100 x the emotion on a day to day bases than men. with out a strong man a women is lost and confused. The sad part about society today is that women are raising kids alone therefore the boy is not taught how to be a leader.

Oh, Jeremy! Thank you so much for the laugh! I don’t know if I’ve ever chuckled so hard! Your chauvinist schtick is just too hilarious for words! Especially since it’s utterly ludicrous to believe women need a man to help sort out all those crazy emotions you so non-eloquently (I’m assuming lack of grammar is part of your comedy act) pointed out us ladies possess. Wow! You really have found a niche market with this incredibly ridiculous comedy! I’m still dying! WOMEN CAN’T RAISE MALE LEADERS!!! Priceless! Especially funny since I know so many who have! Love that tongue-in-cheek stupidity of yours, Jeremy! I mean… It must be tongue-in-cheek, since no one really is ignorant enough to believe that, right?

There is someone out there for everyone. Including the Jeremy’s of the world. He may not be a fit for me, or a fit for most but his imperfections are a just right fit for someone. He reads Momastry. That is something.

Jeremy – think: how would you feel if someone told you that all men have 100x greater impaired judgment than women on a day-to-day basis due to the urgings of testosterone? Then told you that, based on that opinion, you and all men are lost and confused? Then told you that the only cure for that condition is someone of *their* sex, to guide you? Then implied that *without* someone of their sex guiding you, you are incompetent to raise your children? If you don’t understand that you said the equivalent of all these things, read your post again. Then know that of course all women out here living our lives, capably and competently, have to laugh when you try to generalize about us, put us all in simple categories, or demean our abilities. We have too much evidence that you are wrong to take this seriously, and it’s hard to take your kind of arrogance seriously in any case.

I liked your response to Jeremy. No woman or man is completely one type of person as we are all individuals trying to see our purpose in life which includes marriage. I love my wife and she loves me and we try to bring 100% to our relationship by being honest and trying to see the other’s point of view and/or needs. EVERY day us men have just as many emotions as women. We might hide them or show them in different ways than a typical female (what is that?) But, we still have the emotions.

Another Jeremy, you miss the point. She was not “hating on men”, she was bringing light (via sarcasm) to the ridiculous seriousness in Jeremy’s post that women can not raise leaders like men can. She pointed out the ignorance in a humorous way to show how absurd his view is, NOT ALL MEN, just that one lunatic. As a guy, I’m totally with her on finding his comment pretty ignorant.

Bingo, Steven! Thanks for the support! Not just directed my way, but towards all ladies!

Jeremy–In no way do I hate men. I’m married to the most amazingly strong, kind, Military Officer on the planet, who, like Steven, actually respects women.

I’m the daughter of a man who survived the Blitz on London during WWII, who is as old school British as they come, but who is a strong feminist himself.

I’m the friend of many men who are strong leaders, raised by single mothers.

What I found so appalling about your comment was that you managed to not only disparage women through your backward views, but men as well through your claim no male leaders are being raised by single mothers… It was all so outlandish and disrespectful that I thought I’d make light, since it seemed the only logical response to such ridiculous claims. Now I’m just sad for you… It must become lonely living in such a closed off world. All the best.

To the Jeremies:
Seriously? There’s a pretty well known leader who would certainly disagree with you. President Obama was raised by his mother. I’m fairly certain everyone would consider him a “leader” because… he is the President of the United States after all. His mother even found a way to manage her 100x emotions and wake Barack up at 4am to do homework with him every day before school.
Your statement is just silly really.

The funny irony is Kay’s emotional response validates Jeremy’s observation on a woman’s emotional make-up. I’m not saying I like Jeremy’s observation, as worded. I think Jeremy observation, as worded, is offensive. But if you get to the root of his message, he has a point. Let me see if I can restate it in a less offensive way: God created men and women equal yet with different, complementary strengths that are meant to shine in marriage. Women (not all… but many), as more in touch with emotions, bring kindness, compassion, nurturing, and affection to the table for their children. Men (not all… but many) bring protection, security, respect, honor and leadership for their children. When one parent leaves the picture, yes, the other person has to step in and become all things to their child, but there are consequences associated to not having both parents present.

Psychologist Judith Wallerstein followed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. Interviewing them at 18 months and then 5, 10, 15 and 25 years after the divorce, she expected to find that they had bounced back. But what she found was dismaying: Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict. Wallerstein, et al., 2000, pp. xxvii-xxix; Catherine E. Ross and John Mirowsky. “Parental Divorce, Life-Course Disruption, and Adult Depression.” Journal of Marriage and the Family 61 (1999): 1034-1035

Divorce is a major fear of middle school children today. And there are plenty of statistics that support the impact divorce has had on increased crime rates, drug use, premarital sex, child abuse, etc.

Dear Glennon, If not for Facebook I would have not crossed your path. I love what you write, and why you write it. I very much appreciated this piece. My sister once told me, “When you have the urge to leave, just wait, it will pass, just like any urge. And if you leave, you’ll just end up with the next one who’ll turn out to be like that last one,” (in my case, it’s usually just like my mother, giving me the chance again to come to terms with her) “so why not stay and work it out with the one in front of you?” For some this won’t do, for others, it doesn’t even occur to them that it’s a possibility. Thanks for waiting for the urge to pass. It’s a nice reminder.

I love this and have had to learn and continue to learn this about my marriage. But I think it’s important to point out that for women trapped in abusive marriages this list might not work. Hard work can heal a marriage but hard work will not stop abuse neither will waiting it out necessarily.

I am married to my 3rd husband. The 1st was very physically and emotionally abusive and I considered myself to be lucky to get out of that with my life. -no children. The 2nd although not physically abusive, was a master of the passive aggressive. I tried to work with him but when he became a fundamentalist christian we were no longer compatible–3 children. I have been so guilted about my life choices. I’ve been married for 30 years– to three different men. I feel like I deserve a medal!!! If you can manage 30 years with the same man– good for you. It is not a model that has worked for me, and I encourage women to leave abusive relationships and look for something better. I have been married to my 3rd husband for nearly 10 years and this relationship is work of course, but I am married to a very very good man– and what ever we come up against– we are united in working through it.

Yes. I don’t know how you repeatedly find the exact words that I can never find to describe the thoughts in my head or the feelings in my heart, but you do. Over and over again. It’s as if someone finally understands, only it turns out I was never alone to begin with. Thank you. Thank you.

I tried to do this, but unfortunately when the other supposed partner doesn’t want to love work nor even be there for you and the kids. Bit on the positive note, I have learned from ithe and next time around I hope to find a love worker.

I too am reading this for the first time and I am applauding you right here in my living room yelling “preach sister preach” with my children looking at me like I’ve lost my mind… but don’t worry, that happens a lot around here.

i never read this the first time and I am glad. Because I might not have been ready to read it. Today…I am. This is truth and love is hard work no matter who you love. Even the unconditional love of my children is exhausting and frustrating at times. But I don’t give up and I keep my head down and move forward. Thank you Glennon for posting a 2nd time.

22. Realize you took you eye off the ball and slipped down to about step 10 again.
23. Start working your way back through the steps. Only this time, it is quicker and easier and less anxiety-ridden because you know that given time, you’ll feel blessed as hell once again.

Thank you for re-posting this today! How ironic that the original post date was the same week my marriage fell apart. Right now we are smack dab in the middle of this very truthful list, and I have been praying desperately that there will be hope and healing on the other side of this painful mess. Feeling like you’re all alone sitting in the pain is the hardest part, so thank you for giving me the hope and strength to fight on in the new year.

Yup, that sums it up. After 35 years of marriage, we’ve gone through every stage from the butterflies to “I hate your guts” and everything in between. Still,
I can’t imagine living my life any other way with any other person. I love my husband… except on days I don’t.

I needed this today. I have been contemplating divorce for a LONG time and have been thinking this is the year. And what has kept me in the marriage is the expense and pain of divorce. But now, maybe not. There is hope? I never knew life could be so painful and so very difficult.