A Little Bit Bad. Comedy Writer Alex Kaseberg

Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to - or if you need to hire a comedy writer - alex.kaseberg@gmail.com

Friday, March 20, 2009

We gonna get the up in here up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bonus payoutHow about that stock market yesterday? It shot up like a drunk guy after St. Patrick’s Day waking up next to Rosie O’Donnell. (Wow, that joke was so bad it might actually get a bonus from AIG)

JeopardyPresident Barack Obama filed out his NCAA brackets and his final four are Louisville, North Carolina, Memphis and Pittsburgh. “I’ll take three cities and one state that all voted democratic for $500, Alex.”

A lot of shots blockedNew Jersey Devils’ Martin Brodeur broke the record for most wins by a goalie set by Patrick Roy. To give you some idea, this guy Brodeur has stopped more shots than Paris Hilton’s diaphragm.

First timeBarack Obama denied charges that he has been trying to do too much as President. In a related story, in President Bush’s eight year term, nobody ever used the words he has been trying to do too much as President.

Do we need this warning?The erectile dysfunction drug Cialis has a commercial with the disclaimer; in case of a sudden loss of vision, call a doctor. I’m not a doctor, but isn’t a sudden loss of vision known as blindness? Do they really need to tell someone they might want to call a doctor if they go blind?

If I suddenly go blind, I won’t need a phone, the doctor will hear me screaming.

Blame it on the economyThe latest craze is blaming all questionable actions on a bad economy. “Hey, dude, did you really get drunk and hit on your cousin?” “Hey, what can I say? It’s a bad economy.”

The latest craze is blaming all questionable actions on a bad economy. “Hey, that shirt doesn’t go with those pants.” “Back off, it’s a bad economy.”

Another disclaimerHave you seen the blanket with arms Snuggie’s new commercial? It comes with a disclaimer, “Warning, wearing a Snuggie might result in a sudden loss of self esteem and dignity. If you notice a lack of will to live, please stop wearing the Snuggie.”

Not looking goodI’m starting to think my NCAA picks aren’t so hot. I have Trenton City College losing to Gary Indiana Vocational in the finals.

Since you asked:Reading about this Bernie Madoff clown in “Vanity Fair.” It is a cautionary tale about pride and greed on a colossal scale. And those are just his swindled investors.

Not that anyone deserves to be swindled out of their life’s savings, but some of these people were absolutely voracious in their greed to invest with Bernie. In many cases they were borrowing on their many homes in Palm Beach and Newport Beach and putting the money back with Bernie.

And now they are literally homeless.

But why wouldn’t they? In a stock market that was down 40% in 2008 Bernie was making them 12% a year like clockwork, or so their falsified statements said. So why not borrow $10 million on their homes and pay the bank 6% to get 12%? It was a license to print $600,000 a year.

A person couldn’t invest with Bernie just if they were rich. No, you had to know him or have a referral by someone who knew him quite well. And even then, near the end, the minimum was around $10 million. In the exclusively wealthy Jewish social circles of Palm Beach, Aspen, Beach, the Hamptons and Manhattan, investing with Bernie was the ultimate status symbol.

And here is a point nobody seems to want to bring up: wouldn’t it raise in eyebrow or two if a financial firm had an apparent staunch policy of only allowing Catholic investors? Or Protestant investors? Or Muslim investors?

Madoff was a type of genius, a genius of human nature, obviously not finance. He knew how to create an image of exclusivity that was so perfect wealthy brilliant people were lining up to throw millions at him. He played on their need to be at the top of high profile society.

There is a group like that here in Rancho Santa Fe and Del Mar. The local papers are littered with their seemingly endless country club and ball room fund raisers. It’s mostly all the same people, old guys with bad toupees and women with scary amounts of plastic surgery.

The idiot who owns the New York Mets, Fred Wilpon, went around shoving the privilege of his “special investment” with Bernie in people’s faces every chance he had. Special was right. It cost him probably $200 million. The lesson is that hubris and greed and laziness are no strangers to the upper echelon of the truly wealthy philanthropic socialite crowd. The millionaires wanted to be multimillionaires, the multimillionaires wanted to be billionaires. And on and on.

And now many of these people are broke. Not broke on paper or theoretically broke. Their cell phones are turned off. They are moving in with their children. They are working at fast food restaurants. Some are committing suicide.

Several knowledgeable investors suspected Madoff was a fake and when they tried to warn the SEC and specifically Madoff’s investors, they were met with hostile accusations of anti-Semitism. And one of them was a Jew living in Israel.

Oh, and during and before the Madoff debacle, the Securities Exchange Commission made FEMA during Katrina look like avenging commandos. At least eventually FEMA did something.

What can you say about Bernie Madoff? What can you say about the kind of evil that knowingly swindles billions from friends and charities, a lot of which was destined for children with cancer?

A long time ago, although it is hard to believe now, I had a friend who was a tall, good looking smooth-talking rising young investment broker back when I was also a broker. People believed in him because they wanted to believe in him. And he told them what they wanted to hear, whether it was the truth or not. And we all believed him. If a well-dressed, clever, sharp guy like that can’t be right, who could?

Sure this guy was unreliable and hilariously cheap. While he and his wife spent every dime he made on expensive cars, clothes and mortgaged their house to the teeth, he borrowed money without ever intending to pay it back and skipped out on huge bar and dinner tabs and, as it turns out I was the last to know, cheated on his wife with impunity. But that was the price to pay for so much charm, right?

What was the problem? It turns out the charming, tall, witty, good-looking smooth talker was in fact a greedy sociopath with a terminal case of narcissism disorder as well as a pathological liar. But besides that . . .

And he, unlike Bernie Madoff, continues in the investment business to this day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Let's get it started in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget RanchersHere is a little St. Patty’s day tip for next year. When you go to Taco Bell, do not eat the green burritos, they aren’t green for St. Patrick’s day.

This weekend is the Toyota Grand Prix in Long Beach celebrity race. Actor Ashton Kucher was set to race, but, sadly, the dude couldn’t find his car.

In Orange County, a gay bowling night was cancelled because it got too rowdy. A riot broke out when the men discovered they had to rent used tacky shoes and started chanting Manolo Blahnik. .

The neighbors got scared on Gay Bowling Night when they repeatedly heard shouts of “You just stick three fingers in.”

U. of Virginia study claims your brain peaks at age 22. So my brain peaked when I could finally afford a beer bong, a used Futon couch/bed and a “Playboy” subscription?

The company that makes the Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves, has come out with a Snuggie for kids called a Snuglet. It’s the perfect gift for those advanced kids who want to get a head start on losing their pride in their appearance.

The economy is even hurting strip clubs. In San Diego, CA, one stripper had to change her name from Tiffany to Wal Mart.

The Octomom, Nayda Suleman, is in the news again this time for spending $1,000 on makeup. So she must be trying to get pregnant again because wearing a grand of makeup is her only chance.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Carson Daly and his girlfriend had a baby boy, Jackson. Unfortunately, like Daly’s talk show, that baby came out so late only five stoners and two nursing mothers noticed.

Donald Trump is being sued by 70 investors over a failed Trump resort in Mexico, and an entire town in Scotland, Aberdeen, hates Trump for his bullying tactics to get an ocean front golf resort built. Trump is so unpopular, he was even bitten by that weasel on top of his head.

Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, have broken off their engagement. It’s not pretty, Levi can see Sarah Palin’s gun pointed at him from his house.

The porn industry continues to ask the government for a three billion dollar bailout. Why doesn’t the porn industry make it memorable and ask for a 69 billion bail out? At least 69 is a number with which the porn industry is familiar.

The sex toy business is in trouble due to the bad economy. But, in a related story, sales of cucumbers are reportedly quite brisk.

Because of the economy and free internet porn, the adult film industry is in financial trouble. It is so bad, one porn actress had to give up her spray tan and use plain orange spray paint instead.

Since you asked:

Let’s play a rousing game of:

Lex is so old he can remember:

Families with no TVs.

Families with one huge wall phone.

When my home phone number was Hillcrest Six, twenty four ninety five.

A friendly milkman who delivered the milk every morning.

Several appointments with doctors in our house.

Hand-cranked homemade ice cream.

Hand-cranked car windows

All men wore hats with their suits

Beer was considered neither a drink nor a cocktail.

Cars with no seatbelts. Headrests came years later. (Assist to Woody) Airbags? Please. That was someone who talked too much.

Teachers who were allowed to hit/spank children as early as first grade

When Folgers was the best choice of coffee.

Sealtest was about the only choice in ice cream

No artificial grass in sports

Calling someone “Man” labeled you a beatnik and then a hippie.

Lace up ski boots.

One brand of football cleats: Rydell.

Gatorade was 32 cents a quart bottle and my mother thought it was too expensive.

Snickers, as was all candy, cost a dime.

Owning a Mickey Mantle baseball card when Mickey Mantle was still playing.

Dressing up to fly

Dressing up to have lunch

Dressing up for church

The only gym shoe was Converse.

No exercise machines nor weights nor weight machines and no gyms that had them

Dressing up to go to downtown Chicago on the train

Central air conditioning was the single luxurious feature of our house

Strangers ringing our door and asking to see our garage door opener work (We had one of the first ones in Winnetka)

Gas station attendants who wore bow ties and pumped gas and cleaned the windows.

Being twenty minutes late because your watch was "a little slow" was a legitimate excuse.

IBM computer punch cards

Knowing the local telephone operator by name

No jogging.

There were three sports played only by males, football in the Fall, basketball in the Winter and baseball in the Spring. Everything else, including golf and tennis, was just a game.

Long distance calls were luxurious, impossible to hear and short.

Living in Chicago thinking Los Angeles and New York were synonymous with Europe and Asia.

My mother telling me to finish my food because there were starving children in Europe

There were no homeless people, only bums and they only existed in TV and movies

There were little old ladies and little old men and they died of old age.

"Life" and "Look" magazine had always been around and always would be. "People" wasn't.

In Chicago, African Americans were politely called negroes. In Louisville, they were still coloreds and negrahs or far worse.

Two or three choices of Hallmark Birthday cards.

Knowing the neighborhood dogs by name that ran free without a leash and nobody picked up after them.

Spending an inordinate amount of time trying to get the "dog-do" out of the little ridged lines in my Keds, the first "gym shoe" available in addition to Converse.

One choice of camera: Kodak Instamatic.

If a lawyer was Jewish, he was "a Jew Lawyer." Same with doctors, accountants and shop keepers.

Ash trays on every table.

No Velcro, no polyester, no Jacuzzi, no Nike for a long time, no computers - except at NASA - no Amtrak, no foreign cars except for rich folks with a Rolls Royce, but it was rude to call people rich.

Vinyl records, Hi Fi record players and phonographs. And if you had so much as openly discussed the possibility of a music player the size of a lighter that could hold 3,000 songs, or having a cordless phone, they would have locked you up for being "touched."

The only people with shaved heads, pierced ears and tattoos were circus attractions or Mr. Clean.

Four channels on TV, ABC, NBC, CBS and WGN, the local Chicago Station.

No remote.

A "homosexual" was the social equivalent of people who were either "crazy" or "crippled."

No calculators.

In Louisville, small white children called old black waiters by their first names. The old black waiters called the small white children Sir or Miss or Maam.

Young boys wanted to be garbage men, police men or mailmen when they grew up. That or the president.

My parents whispering about friends who were getting divorced as if they were dying.

People who had sex besides married missionary-style were swingers, perverts or “into whips and chains.” Oral sex did not exist as far as I knew. Neither did pornography outside of "Playboy" magazine which was considered on the border of pornography.

Pizza, Spaghetti and Chinese food were the only exotic foreign foods. Pasta, Mexican Food, Thai food and Sushi? What the hell are they?

All Chinese people on TV, cartoons or movies were crazy chefs who screamed and threw meat cleavers. Except for the overly-polite detective, Charlie Chang. All Japanese people on TV or in movies had thick glasses and buck teeth.

God, bitch, bastard, hell and damn were still considered swearing. And only thugs and rough necks swore.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

We gonna get our persnickety on up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tacky taxNew York is going to charge a $10 tax to enter a strip club. Ex-Gov Elliot Spitzer is calling his accountant to see of he can claim Tiffany and Brandi as dependents.

Is this what they call a pole tax?

Not goodPrison is not going well for Bernie Madoff. Let’s just say Bernie officially changed his last name from Madoff to Made-a-bitch.

Again, not goodPrison is not going well for Bernie Madoff. Let’s just say the prisoners are doing to Madoff what he did to his clients for twenty years.

Long wayAt the Doral golf tournament, Phil Michelson drove the ball 350 yards. It is the farthest anyone has driven that wasn’t a crazy lady astronaut wearing a diaper.

Huh?The Republican party is in trouble so what do they do? They announce Rush Limbaugh is the face of the republican party. That’s like the Titanic announcing they are adding another pool.

Wonder who that could be?Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, have broken off their engagement. This just in: Levi Johnston was just mysteriously shot at by someone flying overhead in a helicopter.

Not since thenDonald Trump has a line of meat, Trump Steaks. Trump’s Kobe beef filets are just over $150 a pound. Nobody has paid that much for meat since, well, ex-New York governor Eliot Spitzer.

Times have changedIt has been one year since Eliot Spitzer resigned as New York Gov. for hiring hookers. To show how things have changed, now instead of expensive hookers, Spitzer can only afford to buy his wife different wigs.

Oh, sureChina is demanding that we guarantee their investments in our economy. I say sure, we guarantee China’s investments, but we can’t promise they don’t contain lethal amounts of lead.

Indiana vs. IdahoAn Indiana man was arrested for masturbating out by his mail box. He claimed he wanted to show his neighbors “who was boss.” In Idaho that’s how you show who is senator.

Once againIn Florida, a high school teacher was arrested for giving her male student naked pictures of her. The bad news is she could go to jail, the good news? The kid got an A in female anatomy.

Don't they have any other faces?Rush Limbaugh is now the face of the republican party, but the symbol of the party is still the elephant. One is a huge, fat scary rampaging beast and the other is an elephant.

The economy is so rough Sigfreid and Roy ate one of their tigers.

The auto industry is hurting. You can tell, today Ford launched their newest line of cars: the Ford Foreclosure.

Pose this questionUmpire Tim McClelland said when Alex Rodriguez took steroids, they weren’t outlawed by baseball, so it was OK. Murder isn’t specifically outlawed by baseball, but does that make what A-Rod does to the Yankees playoff hopes OK?

Osama bin Laden turned 52 last week. You can tell Osama is getting older, to get the grey out of his beard Osama is using Just For Mullah’s hair coloring.

Since you asked:It makes me proud to say there are not many things that I truly despise, but one of them is the band Rush. Folks, for the last time:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS INTELLECTUAL ROCK

There isn’t even rock for pseudo-intellectuals, which is more accurate. Attention all avid Rush, Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Frank Zappa and especially Depeche frickin’ Mode fans, there is only music made by losers, dorks, geeks, nerds, sketch-bags and twinks for losers, dorks, geeks, nerds, sketch-bags and twinks..

Monday, March 16, 2009

We’re gonna rock this up in here old school, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This economy is so bad my 401K is now my 200.5K.

Osama bin Laden turned 52 last week. You can tell Osama is having a midlife crisis, he’s having an affair with his cave’s assistant secretary.

Osama bin Laden turned 52 last week. You can tell Osama is having a midlife crisis, he has started wearing his turban tilted to the side to look cool.

Donald Trump is being sued for fraud by more than 70 people because of a failed building project in Mexico. This is the most people who have ever sued Trump if you don’t count hair stylists.

“The Wall Street Journal” expanded their sports coverage. They had to, professional athletes are the only ones who still have any money.

The winner of the Doral golf tournament, Phil Michelson, drove the ball 350 yards. It is the farthest anyone has driven that wasn’t a crazy lady astronaut wearing a diaper.

At the Doral golf tournament this weekend, Swedish golfer, Henrik Stinson, stripped to his tightie-whitie underwear to keep from getting his clothes mud-splattered. It wasn’t pretty, but thank goodness it wasn’t 300-pound golfer, John Daly.

Since you asked:

"They got no tree-toppers. Bunch of mites. Run you off the floor. You got to squeeze them in the paint, make 'em chuck it from the cheap seats. Mind that purgatory they call a gym. No bucket three foot in."