Let’s throw down… ‘The
Gauntlet’. I figured it was time that I watched this
film again, for the third time in twenty five or so
years, as it really highlights some changes in a persons
thinking and the way they see life. I was around ten
years old or so when ‘The Gauntlet’ came on NBC or
something as their movie of the week, and as a ten
year-old, with all due respect to ten year-olds who may
be reading this, your brain is fairly empty. After
watching that film, I was convinced, and there was no
way you could tell me otherwise, that I’d just watched
the best movie ever.

Some fifteen years later
hanging out at the video store, I see a copy of ‘The
Gauntlet’ sitting lonely on the shelf, and armed with my
fond remembrance, I take it on home for a healthy dose
of nostalgia. After that viewing I was convinced that
‘The Gauntlet’, is without a doubt, the stupidest movie
ever made. I understood why as a ten year old I might
have found it entertaining with the all the guns and car
crashes and what not, but it was completely ludicrous,
and stupid to the point that it was almost insulting.

The years have marched on
unabated, and yesterday I watched ‘The Gauntlet’ again,
probably for the last time I suppose until I turn fifty.
This time though, I think I get what Clint
Eastwood was trying to do with the film. The problem
with me watching the film at the age of twenty five is
that I took everything, including myself, way to
seriously. I was political, college educated working on
a masters, the world was screwed up and me and like
thinking individuals were going to work to change it.
We’re young, smart, intense, critical thinking
individuals who over analyze everything and ready to
take you task. Whatever.

As I approach forty, fast,
oh how things have changed. Being married, especially
being married as long as I’ve been married teaches a man
that no matter how sound and secure his argument may be,
and we’re talking holding the smoking gun type of sound
argument, you’re wrong. Early on this upsets you,
causing you tell yell and shout, but as time goes by you
learn that winning arguments is way less important than
keeping the peace. Having a child has taught me that it
is going to become what ever it is going to be. Children
do things that forces you to question whether or not
that brainthat is that alleged to be in their skull is
serving any purpose other than basic bodily functions.
I’ve tapped my sons dome on numerous occasions to see if
I can hear a hollow echo. Nope. Something is in there,
it just doesn’t seem to be turned on yet. Politics is
total bullshit, you can’t change anything, and the
degrees are virtually worthless. My brother in law was
bemoaning his lack of college degree. Mind you, he’s a
journeyman electrician and out earns me by nearly 3 to
1. I tell the man to relax because what my college
degrees have done is allow me to be turned down for jobs
that he can’t apply for. If you take life too seriously,
you will go stark raving mad. Twist the cap off the
Martel, pour yourself a drink, and chill.

In ‘The Gauntlet’ Clint
Eastwood is Phoenix Arizona police officer Ben Shockley.
You gotta love Ben because the movie opens with the man
leaving the bar and heading straight to work to meet the
new police chief. My man. The new chief wants Ben to fly
to Vegas to extradite prostitute Gus Malley (Sandra
Locke) who is a ‘nothing witness’ testifying in a
‘nothing trial’. Yeah right. Gus tells Ben that somebody
wants her dead and he should save himself. Hell, they’ve
even posted a line on it as ‘Malley no show’, and the
odds are up to 100 to 1 that they aren’t going to make
it. Big Ben ain’t quite the believer, at least that is
until cars start to explode and big black sedans start
flat blasting. Now Ben and Gus have to travel through
the perilous desert, on foot, bike, train and bus in
hopes of making it to Phoenix alive. Will they make it?
What do you think?

Obviously nothing has
changed about ‘The Gauntlet’ since it was released way
back in 1977. Ben Shockley is stupid to a fault, but now
I realize that it’s not narrative flaw, but by design.
Seriously, when Ben tells commissioner Blakelock (the
late William Prince) that somebody is trying to kill him
and the prostitute and to send help, and the next thing
that happens is a bunch of armed policemen come and fill
the house with 10,000 bullets, then one should suppose
that Blakelock is dirty right? Well not Ben Shockley. He
proceeds to call Blakelock back to tell him somebody
tipped them off, please send help again. Fortunately the
prostitute, who tells us she has a college degree which
makes her smart, quizzes Shockley that maybe the man is
dirty? Now it took some real convincing, but she finally
was able get it through his thick skull that there’s a
rat in the stew.

And of course there is the
ludicrous ending with the slow moving bus driving down
Phoenix Main Street while every single police officer on
the force fires 1,000,000 bullets into it. Surely the
bus would have exploded long before it reached city
hall, and maybe one of the five thousand police officers
should have aimed for the tires? I know Gus and Ben were
in that loose fitting steel enclosure inside the bus for
protection, but imagine if just ONE of the one million
bullets went inside that thing and was bouncing around
what would have happened. Ludicrous, but by design. Of
course we can’t forget the end where Blakelock,
surrounded by 5,000 police officers shoots Shockley and
then the whore grabs a gun, surrounded by the same 5,000
police officers and shoots the COMMISSIONER OF POLICE!
TWICE! Brilliant.

By this time Eastwood had
already clocked in with three Dirty Harry movies, and he
was probably plenty sick of the dude so he created Ben
Shockley, the Anti-Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry has nothing
but scorn for authority, whereas Ben Shockley does
whatever he is told no matter how stupid it is. Harry
Callahan kills people. Ben Shockley killed no one in
this movie. Dirty Harry kicks ass. Ben Shockley got beat
up a couple of times and even managed to get kicked in
the nuts. Callahan is whipflash smart, almost MacGyver
style, but there are door jams brighter than Ben
Shockley. Do not assume for even a brief minute that
director Clint Eastwood didn’t know how ridiculously
over the top this movie was. This IS the man who gave us
‘Unforgiven’ along with other numerous now classic
films. But what the hell was up with his infatuation
with Sondra Locke? I hate to bag on the woman, cause
she’s probably a sweetie, and I know she got an Oscar
Nomination for some movie I never heard of back in 1968,
but still, she could possibly be the worst actress of
all time. I mean she is really poor. I hate to say this
but damn, her poo must be made of solid platinum. Damn
Clint. I have often said that if it’s so good it makes
me think stupid, then I don’t want it! Keep it away!

If I ever had the chance
to talk to the old man, I wouldn’t ask him about ‘Sands
of Iwo Jima’ or ‘The Outlaw Josey Wales’ or ‘Dirty
Harry’ or the hundreds of other great works this
certified legend has delivered to us, I'd ask him about
this movie and what he was trying to do. I’d also pull
him to the side and ask him, just between us men, what’s
the best poo he’s ever had. I’m almost certain he’s say
Sondra Locke, and then he’d probably shed a tear. I’m
almost certain.