Tomorrow night Vortex Events (which includes yours truly – Officially known as DJ Cattywampus – and DJ Timmmy – three m’s for “the magic, the mystery, and the moment we are about to share) is going to DJ a birthday party. What is the theme, you may ask? And as well you should; for a party must indeed have a rocking theme. It is a hoedown. Yes, you heard me. Which means it is time to “shine my boots and shrink my jeans.”

Obviously the task of mentally and physically preparing for such an event is extensive. It’s really a tough job, but some cowpoke’s gotta do it. And I just think that may as well be me. Now, in the process of visualizing the event, I began to realize something about myself. It is true that we are all on journeys of discovery. Some of us are on more literal journeys of discovery. You know, the great adventurers of past centuries – such great names as Leif Erickson, Galileo, Colonel Sanders, Al Gore, and Miley Cyrus. These true investigators of the world directly compel us to seek to at least understand ourselves a little bit better. It really just makes sense when you think about it…as you’re sitting on your head for a while.

A great epiphany of my life – one which I feel will invariably alter my journey of discovery – is that I will make a fine cowboy. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re quite right in thinking so. Therefore, I will present 5 pieces of evidence to prove my point. These go in no particular order, but I will start with the least important and work my way up to build suspense.

5) I went to the Rodeo, not once, but twice this summer at the fair. I feel this shows a due level of devotion to the livelihood of a Cowboy. People invest into the things that are most important. (That’s why we have so many great Cowboy movies being made these days; like Open Range) One obvious way is our time, and let me tell you that those Rodeo’s are not short; the seats are also not comfortable come to think of it – I’m pretty sure my lower back will never be the same. But I also had to pay to get in. So I’m already investing time and money into the Cowboy culture. You’d think they would send me a Thank You Card or something.

4) I was in a Cowboy play this summer. If you didn’t see it, then I’m sure you’ll be able to check it out when it begins its second run on Broadway. I was never aware of how much makeup a Cowboy had to wear until I was part of this production. Initially I looked at the makeup side of things as a bit of downer. We all have to make sacrifices in life. Sure, lipstick changes the taste of food a bit, but burgers have tasted pretty much the same for most of my life. Why not add a few more chemicals to it? It’s just the American way.

3) I already own cowboy boots. I’m not sure how this whole system works, but in most businesses you get the pieces of your uniform when you actually get hired. This is just one less thing for them to take care of. Imagine if someone showed up to a McDonald’s interview already wearing one of those sweet McD’s visors. Instant hire. It’s devotion to the craft; nothing less.

2) I like sitting around campfires. I’m sure it’s BYOS at first – Bring Your Own S mores – but you’d assume that eventually they start to hook a brother up when they see how quickly I can golden. Now, my musical skills are a bit limited. This is an obvious shortcoming on my part. But I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to deflect from my deficiencies. That’s right; Cowboy mime theater. I’ve already got the makeup on, so may as well make good use of it right. Plus, Cowboys are mostly monosyllabic. And I think the campfire would just make the white face-paint pop.

1) Last but not least, I like to live my life on the cutting edge. Cowboys are constantly forward-thinking, and always well ahead of their time. Ever heard of Conservationism? Cowboys have always known that the best way to conserve your body’s natural oils was to not bathe for months at a time. And they lived most of their lives looking for pastures. Talk about “going green.” Not just a saying anymore, but a lifestyle. That’s something we can all admire. And don’t forget that in most post-apocalyptic films technology fails, which forces people to live off the land. Guess what? Bam! Cowboys are ready for the apocalypse to hit. And skinny jeans? Enough said.