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editor's note

Tanya Chaitanya (Editor Femina India)

For every doubting Thomas who tells you women can’t scale mountains, wrestle in the ring, endure physical hardship, your comeback should be a simple hashtag:#StandStrong.
There’s no bigger retaliation than success, they say. So show your calibre to these detractors or anybody who believes that we, as women, lack the potential to be physically as fit as men by being just that. Not to say that it will be an easy process.
The conditioning that we are not at par physically starts early. From the time we are offered a hand to bring down the cookie jar to when we are told not to lift too heavy a weight; when the sports selectors in schools bypass promising girl children or when the male friends refuse to count us in in any serious hiking plans—that feeling of being physically less is ingrained right from the beginning.
So how is it that we witness sportswomen like Mary Kom packing a punch in the arena or a badminton champ like PV Sindhu physically pushing herself to the limits? Or the fact that celebs like Jacqueline Fernandez, Taapsee Pannu, Katrina Kaif swear by their fitness routine and are known to train for longer hours than their male counterparts?
Then again look beyond these superwomen. Look around you. There are regular women storming into male bastions, physically-challenging professions and pursuits, and coming out triumphant. This new-found confidence comes with taking care of yourself, being cognizant of the fact that our body needs to be given TLC, from the right diet and nutrition to exercise and care to help us stand strong.
This is when I raise a toast: Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them!

How to cope with overbearing parents

Most of us Indians need no introduction to overbearing parents, saddled as we are with mummas and papas who insist on handholding us into middle-age. Their presence is always looming large in our lives, as they pack our tiffins, influence our career decisions, choose our spouses and bring up our kids. This kind of parenting is flawed at many levels and there have been several studies that have shown that overbearing parents can cause lasting psychological damage to their children. According to a study by Dr Mai Stafford, of the Medical Research Council’s (MRC) Lifelong Health and Ageing unit at University College London, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology in 2015 the damage was as bad as the suffering during bereavement. Sharing some amount of closeness with one’s parents is healthy, but if you find that they have taken over your life, and you have let them do so while you wallow in your cubbyhole of dependency, there is dire need of creating an emotional distance. We got some experts to tell you how to cope with controlling and overbearing parents and loosen the bonds for your well-being and happiness.

Understand where they come fromThe first step to easing parental controls in adulthood is to understand why your parents are so controlling in the first place. According to psychotherapist, parent and relationship coach, Aparna Samuel Balasundaram, controlling parents behave the way they do because their whole identity is that of a parent. And when they have invested so much bringing up the kids and making personal sacrifices, cutting the ‘emotional umbilical’ cord is hard. In such cases, ditch the guilt right away because, as Balasundaram says, “Just because they did so much for you during your growing years does not mean they can control your life choices,” However, you have to make them understand that while you deeply appreciate what they have done for you (often a few words of gratitude is all they need), you need to strike out on your own to live up to your full potential. “ You can show them your respect, gratitude and love not by following their orders blindly but by actually breaking free and being your best version,” says Balasundaram.

Don’t stop caringHave you considered that the reason why your parents are a constant fixture in your life is because they carry their own baggage of insecurity as far as you are concerned? According to Mumbai based clinical psychologist and author Seema Hingorrany, “An over-bearing attitude in parents stem from their own insecurity and low self-esteem which they carry from childhood. Most of them project these insecurities on their kids. Overbearing parents may have had their own traumatic experiences in the past that have not been processed and most of them are victims of over-bearing, controlling parents themselves.”They way to get around this is to show them that they are important to you and assure them that you are not abandoning them. “So, for example, you are there to help them—especially with tasks that are truly difficult for them-—but they cannot expect you to do everything for them. So, taking them to the hospital for a medical procedure/surgery might be fine, but they cannot expect you to accompany them for all routine doctor appointments too,” says Balachandran

Don’t give into emotional blackmailEvery set of parents have their own ways of bringing their errant children to heel. From emotional blackmail to threats and melodrama, they are adept at it all. Shamita Samanta*, 29, content head says, “I have had to deal with emotional coldness and holding back of approval whenever I have wanted to strike free or do something independently.” The only way to deal with this kind of behaviour is to put your foot down and be steadfast in your resolve. Gently and firmly let them know that while you see their point of view and you respect their inputs, you will do what you think is right for your life. It is also important to withstand pressure and be strong for the future of your relationship with them. “Mostly, we see parents using emotional blackmail, oscillating between telling their children how much they have done for them and have got nothing in return to telling them that they are depressed because of them. We often get cases in my clinic where parents try to control their children by threatening suicide,” says Hingorrany. “The basic premise of such a relationship is weak and full of fear, where children harbour grudges and resentments against parents.”

Build your own sense of worth and identity firstWhile it’s easy to blame to your parents for being controlling and overbearing, is it your own dependence on them may be making them behave this way? According to Smita*, Gurgaon based professional, “My mother was always very protective of me when I was younger and then I always felt safe and cared for. But now I am 27 and live in Gurgaon for my work. My mom insisted on moving in with me and she cooks for me, takes care of me, cleans my room... In fact, she wants us to shop together and hang together on the weekend. It’s too much. I need breathing space.” As an adult, if you are okay with your mom cooking and cleaning and caring for you, you should not really complain if she wants to hang out with you on weekends! If you feel that you are ready to be independent, start by doing your work yourself. Taking charge of the little things will give you the confidence to move on to the bigger things. Once you have built that confidence, start drawing emotional boundaries. “Be clear about the areas in which they can influence your life and where they cannot. For example, they can share their wisdom about what they think a healthy marriage looks like but draw a line if they actively get involved in yours, “ adds Balasundaram.