Metro Times 2014 Lust Poll

Our look at Detroit's seamy side, with a little help from our readers.

February 11, 2014

Painting for Metro Times by Slaw.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, which means it’s time for MT’s ninth annual Lust Issue, and our seventh annual Lust Poll. You know the drill: We beg you for it, and you give it to us, big-time. Your lusty answers, that is. Then we print the results.

Congratulations to Lady Fea, the author of that story about the intrepid condom that hid in a vagina, fell out, was eaten by a dog, then defecated by said dog, before being finally thrown out. Courtesy of the good people at Lover's Lane, Lady Fea will receive an erotic prize package that includes a $50 gift card and a selection of personal massagers.

How often do you have sex?

Seven to ten times a week. — 55 and still loving it, 55, Male, Straight

This year, six times. I know … sad. —313_rockcity, 35, Male, Straight

I usually don’t have it often outside of “seeing” someone, but when I am seeing someone, at least once a day. It’s good, and good for ya. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight

Celibate for just over two years. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight

Never. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight

Not enough. —bellafairy, 30, Female, Straight

All the time. —Big shot Bob, 42, Male, Straight

Once a week. —Grandma, 66, Female, Straight

Seven times a week when my girlfriend isn’t having sex with a Puerto Rican bartender on the cruise ship she works on. —piglets, 34, Male, Straight

Very little. A man has to be intellectually satisfying to be worthy of sex with me. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight

What’s the best place for a romantic date?

White Castle.—none, 47, Male, Straight

Roller Derby. You can discuss the rules if you don’t know what to talk about, you can drink and, of course, tough chicks on roller skates.—Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight

The date when I should have realized all of the phone calls he had to keep silencing and said were from his sister were actually from his current girlfriend. Then he conveniently said later that I might get an email from a crazy ex-girlfriend trying to warn me off of him. It was probably the girl who found out he was cheating on her. —betty, 39, Female, Straight

The dinner that morphed into a “do you know Jesus?” Conversation. The save-my-soul-from-hell date was the wrong move, dude. —sass, 35, Female, Straight

I had taken my parent’s car and drove my girlfriend to a park. In our haste to climb onto each other, she accidentally stepped on the gas before I turned the car off, causing the car to cut out. We ended having to call my mom to come pick us up. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight

When I left my wallet at home. —baby cakes, 50, Male, Straight

A blind date made by my grandmother. —Boss Dog, 36, Male, Straight

Going to the movies with a guy who talked about his green eyes all night. —Candi, 43, Female, Straight

I don’t really have one, I always looked at the less exciting ones as learning experiences. —Curiouser, 31, Female, Straight

It was my first and only date with a man who I picked up (he didn’t have a car). He gets in the car with a monkey puppet hanging from around his neck. He introduced it (I can’t remember the name). He tells me he likes to take him everywhere, and proceeds to apply deodorant to his underarms. He brought his stick deodorant and reapplies it several times in the car (as if the monkey talking to me weren’t enough). We go to a movie where the monkey enjoys himself, talking through the entire movie. I took him home and never talked to him — or the monkey — again. —Dee Dee, 44, Female, Bisexual

The monster truck rally. The guy acted like a big kid. He thought that I should pay for everything and that we should have had sex. It was our first date. —Divine, 28, Female, Straight

It was a date where the person carried a gun when we went to the art museum, and failed to tell me until the evening when we got supper. I walked home in the rain to avoid him finding out where I lived. —fine china, 22, Female, Bisexual

“Dinner” at Starbucks followed by the worst date movie ever called The Corporation. —Ginger, 30, Female, Straight

Going on a date with a woman who pulled out this “Big Book of Birthdays,” then proceeded to look up mine and say, “Sorry, this isn’t going to work.” You couldn’t have told me that on the phone? —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight

Being young and stupid, I was invited out to dinner with a much older female boss. Little did I know I was to be dessert. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight

I took a guy’s virginity and didn’t even know it. —Jexxy, 43, Female, Bisexual

I went out with a guy I met at bar through a friend and, after the date, while sitting in the car in his driveway talking (not about anything sexual), I looked over and he had taken his dick out. He was just sitting there holding his dick! End of date. —Katrina, 45, Female, Bisexual

The one that started with him pulling over and selling a couple crack rocks to a crack head on the corner. —LuvPeaceSexHappiness, 39, Female, Straight

The date with a guy who had me pick him up, after he asked me out. He also brought nine dollars on our “date.” He told me about his three children from three different women. Red flags everywhere. The icing on this crapola cake was when he asked for a dollar so he could play Keno. He said he’d split the winnings with me. I never saw this fucker again. —MaryJane Gardener. , 39, Female, Straight

Going out with a known Bible-thumper who offended one of my lesbian friends by referring to gay people as “them” —knowing full well she was gay, yet the moron still ran off at the mouth. —Miss Squeek, 39, Female, Straight

I met this guy on a blind date at the Berkley Front a couple of years ago. We had a few drinks and were having a nice conversation but I had to leave shortly thereafter. So he walked me out to my car, and starts kissing me. In the middle of this impassioned embrace he pulls away, looks up at the sky and exclaims, “Oh my god, I wanna fuck you!” I immediately left. —Molly Edgewood, 25, Female, Straight

I met a girl and thought it would be romantic to bring her a favorite flower called a Bird of Paradise. I should have asked her why she liked them so much; turned out it was because they were the flowers at her grandfather’s funeral. Got a little akward. —Nope., 33, Male, Straight

Getting so drunk that I threw up in his mouth while we were making out. He pushed me out of the car and drove away. I fell asleep in my driveway. Really wished I didn’t slam those Long Islands, he was hot as hell and his dick was huge. —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual

Taking a girl to see Clockwork Orange on a first date. She didn’t know what the hell was going on. Needless to say, it was the first and last date I had with this woman. —Señor spoog, 44, Male, Straight

Going to dinner with a guy that would not stop holding my hand. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual

The one where I wasted my extra Postal Service ticket only to find out she had taken a one-year vow of celibacy a month prior. —So many., 31, Male, Straight

I went out with a girl from work, who took me to her place. As she was taking me through the tour of the apartment, we walked into her bedroom. I looked around and on the dresser was a cage with rats in it. The smell was an overpowering stench of urine and feces, with a sprinkling of patchouli. Barf! To top it off, there were handcuffs hanging from each bedpost, which normally would intrigue me, but under this scenario, I was repulsed. I ran, and had to be pretty mean in order to break it off, due to her stalker-type personality. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight

Ended with a guy thinking it’s sexy to tell me a bedtime story after dinner. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight

What’s your most embarassing sexual encounter?

When I saw my first uncircumcised penis. I had to giggle at it, but it didn’t stop me. —betty, 39, Female, Straight

One time I was having sex with someone, and right as the dude climaxed he ripped a huge fart. That has never happened to me in my life. Talk about an awkward next few minutes. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight

Had sex in a tent with a lantern and our fellow campers saw all of it. —Babylove, 45, Female, Straight

Getting a blow job while watching Mortal Kombat the movieat my best friend’s house while he sat next to me. —big sexy , 35, Male, Straight

After dating a virgin for a couple weeks, it was finally time to get down to business, and her vagina would not even let me in. She was too stressed and it shut up like a clam. —Chunklover69, 39, Male, Straight

Giving a blow job. He came so hard that he lost his bowels. I noticed a sudden, rank smell. I immediately backed off, stood up and saw brown goo oozing into the sheets. Didn’t stick around to help clean up. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual

When the butt plug got stuck up my ass. He gave me an enema to loosen it and eventually we got it out. —ewangal, 47, Female, Bisexual

After hosting an opening party, a girl I had been hitting on quite a bit told her bestie that she didn’t need to take her home, because she’d just hang out at my place for the night. Rather shocked but pleased, I brought her back to my place, put on some music, and made my move. As my arm went around her, she asked “What are you doing?” I said, “Well, you asked to come over to my place, you and I are alone, I just thought that you were interested.” She said, “OMG, no! I thought you were gay! In fact, everyone who works at the restaurant thinks your gay!” Not the best night. —Goof, 37, Male, Straight

Nearly being busted by the cops for car sex. I barely had time to get my pants back up in time and ended up driving back home with the worst case of blue balls. —Hooks to the Left, 45, Male, Straight

The hottest guy turned out to have the smallest dick. And couldn’t even keep it up, at that. I was embarrassed by just being part of the situation. —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight

It’s more of a post-sexual encounter that was the most embarrassing thing to happen to me ever. I had hooked up with a friend, and like responsible adults we used condoms. After we were done, we noticed we couldn’t find one of the condoms. We shrugged it off, because Sunday brunch was calling our names. A few days later, my co-worker asked me to dogsit while she and her wife went on vacation. After work I went over to the house to let the dog out. I farted really hard and something felt weird so I went into the bathroom to just verify I didn’t shit my pants. Nope, the force of the fart had pushed the missing condom out of my vag. Grossed out, I pulled it out and threw it in the bathroom trash can. I’d empty out the trash before they got home so they wouldn’t have to see a condom and think I was having sex in their house while they were gone. After taking care of the dog, I decided to go to the bar for a few hours to unwind. I came back and decided to take a shower. The dog had knocked over the trash can and shredded all of the contents. As I picked up the mess, I realized the condom was missing. Panicked, I looked everywhere in the bathroom. Nothing. I looked at the dog who just looked guilty as fuck. Of course, I immediately consulted Google, which basically said to just let the dog pass the condom. I kept taking the dog out on runs in hopes that she’d just poop it out before her owners got home. I really didn’t want to have to explain to two lesbians why their dog was shitting a condom out. After a sleepless night of worrying the dog would die, I took her out for another run. I have never been so observant of a dog pooping before. Fortunately she crapped it out and I immediately bagged it and threw it in the Dumpster before she could eat it again. Keep all your used condoms accounted for. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight

My husband and I were with another woman and her “5 o’clock shadow” down below made our mouths raw. —Lola James, 31, Female, Bisexual

Having sex in my parents’ basement and looking over and making eye contact with my dad. —MIKE, 24, Male, Straight

At the home of a co-worker, both of us naked, me kneeling on floor eating her out as she reclines on the couch — and her dog comes up and starts rimming me! —oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual

The first time I made a woman squirt and I thought I had hurt her. —rcanola, 33, Male, Straight

When I dragged my date into a liquor storage closet at a comedy club, got on my knees, and audibly gasped in shock at the smallness of it all. —Red, 44, Female, Straight

Sex in a Taco Bell bathroom. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual

During sex with a very large penis, my bladder was stimulated, and well, everyone isn’t into golden showers. Where is R. Kelly when you need him? —Sheba, 38, Female, Straight

Getting busted as we were climbing into the back of my SUV by the pastor of the church whose parking lot we were in. —So many., 31, Male, Straight

My girlfriend was trying anal play with my husband and I when she suddenly “swallowed” an anal bead wand. I immediately suggested she go expel it in the bathroom, but she wanted to keep playing. When I insisted, she spent well over 45 minutes giving birth to this object while I had visions of explaining this fiasco to the people in the local ER. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual

After some pretty vigorous anal sex, upon my partner withdrawing himself, I let out a window-shaking fart and lube sprayed out everywhere. Can you say “mortified”? —Starr, 36, Female, Bisexual

When she said that she couldn’t handle it. I had only stuck the head in. —Stunna, 28, Male, Straight

At a house party I hit on this really hot girl. We hit it off and chatted the night away. We also drank the night away. We found and empty room and did our business. Not two minutes afterward, I blew chunks. Luckily there was a trash can nearby. She then followed suit. We laughed it off, washed up and had sex again. —the bull, 39, Male, Straight

Not so much a landmark. More like a back alley in a car behind a bar. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight

Honestly, who HASN’T gotten it on at the fountain on Belle Isle? —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight

Lawn of the [Detroit] Main Library. —Big Poppie, 49, Male, Straight

Greektown casino. —big rob, 30, Male, Straight

I consider the old Tito’s Tacos House, (between LJ’s & Slows) that later became the underground afterhours place 2130 to be a historical landmark. Did it bent over the beautiful 1930’s bar while there was an event for the Electronic Music Festival. —Detroit DeLux, 46, Female, Bisexual

In Tigers stadium. —happy happy happy, 30, Male, Straight

Does Belle Isle count? A “Love-In” at the band shell in the summer of 1968 I met gal who went to Immaculata H.S. We hit it off right away and spent the afternoon and evening tucked away in my tent. We were married for 33 years and had two boys. —hippop, 63, Male, Straight

I had sex in the Coleman A. Young Municipal Center when I was 16. —James M, 28, Male, Straight

Received oral while perched on the wall high atop the roof of the Greektown parking structure. In March. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual

If I had sex there, it would be a landmark. —Kurth69, 49, Male, Bisexual

No, but I would! Somewhere on Belle Isle would be nice, away from the happy families, of course. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight

The bathroom at Lafayette Coney. —Margot , 34, Female, Straight

Would Jamz (teen club from 1990s) be considered? —Missy76, 37, Female, Straight

D in the D: Sex in a Chrysler 300, while in transit from a Wings/Tigers/Lions game to a Coney Island. Bonus points if you get arrested and can’t pay your bail cuz you broke! —Chloe Kilgannon, 25, Female, Straight

The Christine Beatty — constantly yelling out “Do you know who I am” during sex. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight

The Detroit Rock City: Fuck on a speaker and crank it to 11. —Staff, 27, Male, Straight

Faygo Fellatio: a mouth full of Faygo of your chosen flavor, combined with a mouthful of the body part of your choosing. —Margaret Scratcher, 20, Female, Straight

Covering a chick in Faygo. —Chunklover69, 39, Male, Straight

The window buster. When you’re doing her in the car and her foot busts out the window. —the pattio, 31, Male, Straight

Cadieux cooch squirt. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight

“Pulling a Lion”: Coming close to orgasm, time and time again, but never actually getting anywhere — thereby keeping everyone involved hopeful but eternally disappointed. —Spitfire, 49, Female, Bisexual

Sorry, I’ve got nothing. I also don’t tend to name what I do in bed. Great lovers know that the most important sex organ is the brain, and the most effective maneuvers are performed before the “clothes come off.” —Beautiful Strawberry, 40, Female, Straight

The People Mover. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight

The Kwame — get head, take some money from her purse, and bounce! —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight

The Grosse Point — a man forces his penis down a woman’s throat until she vomits —Professor Archibald von Wigglesworth, 20, Male, Straight

When you would rather be with another person. —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual

Doing something that violates any agreement you have with any committed partner(s), which is different for everyone and dependent on their particular situation. —Walks With Silent Feet - she allows me to let loose and be the sexual flirt I can’t be in real life., 39, Female, Straight

Communication with someone else with the intention of having sex without notifying your partner of your actions and intentions. —White Monkey, 31, Female, Bisexual

Mutual agreement for monogamy. If it’s broken, you are a cheating bitch. —Sir., 32, Male, Straight

Well first you have to start off of what the “terms” of your relationship are. If monogamous, I personally believe not only sexual physical contact, but putting actual emotion and conversation of an emotional/future sexual planning are not cool. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight

It’s only cheating if you don’t have an agreement with your significant other — talk that out. —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight

Spending quality time with someone who isn’t your spouse, outside of the workplace. It doesn’t have to be sex to be cheating. Flirting is fine, but when you take it past the moment, that’s cheating. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight

There are degrees, but it has to do with intimacy with another person. Kissing is cheating, but not at the level that a BJ or other sexual acts are cheating. Some can be forgiven, others, not so much. —Goof, 37, Male, Straight

What’s your porn star name? Take your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on:

Pierre Crane. —sex fortress, 47, Male, Straight

Lucky McGraw. —Mr. Plow, 64, Male, Straight

Happy Fish Lake. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight

Oscar Wylie. —betty, 39, Female, Straight

Rusty Woodworth. —one-eyed monster, 39, Male, Straight

Pop Cherry Avenue. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight

Tootsie Chippewa. —Sha nay nay, 40, Female, Bisexual

Big Mama Wagner. —Just as naughty as me!! Her name is Lola, 38, Female, Bisexual

Nothing exciting, but I bought a dildo online and I really didn’t pay attention to the measurements. The thing was a beast and it’s currently hiding under my bed because it’s WAY too big and scary. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight

The cock of a guy named Fred ... it was ENORMOUS and I couldn’t walk without being sore. —The Bitch......(dominatrix), 39, Female, Straight

Zucchinni. —Missy76, 37, Female, Straight

What is the best date you’ve ever had?

Went on a date to a local bar, and ended the night with her on top sex while driving ... Even drove part of the way home behind the local police. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight

Sex first, food, sex again, clubbing, sex in the bathroom of the club and sex again in the hotel room. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight

Meet at bar went to strip club. Both got dance at same time, made out in that parking lot. Went back to first bar and fucked hard in parking lot. —pornstar, 40, Male, Straight

Going downtown on a back of a Harley on a hot June night, hit Mexicantown and hung out on the beautiful over-pass just talking. Left and did the city tour down by the train-station and all the beautiful sites of the Detroit. Steamy, hot and everything right! —Sinister Sarah, 34, Female, Straight

Orgy in a hotel room with seven other couples and a single bisexual girl. —Turd Ferguson, 45, Male, Bisexual

Picnic in a cemetery. —Snakey Greenwood, 27, Male, Straight

The night my ex came home from deployment. Six months of not seeing someone makes for an awesome sex marathon. —sunNmoonlady, 34, Female, Bisexual

Not sure if it’s the best, but it comes to mind quickly: After dinner and a bottle of wine at Roast, my date bought every dessert that was on the menu. He also left the waiter close to a $100 tip. We ended up taking most of the dessert home, and it made for a great breakfast after a sunny morning romp. —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual

Way back in high school my first boyfriend invited me over to his house. When I rang the doorbell the door opened and a voice said “come in.” He was on the other side wearing nothing but a robe which was open. He guided my right hand onto his hard cock, placed his over my bulge, and his left encircled my neck as he drew me in for a long kiss. After several minutes of making out there in the foyer and getting undressed by him we went up to his parent’s bedroom and had sex for the rest of the afternoon on THEIR bed. —oldrbabyboomer, 56, Male, Bisexual

Tennis and peanut butter and jelly. —Gloria, 39, Female, Straight

The man that introduce me to fisting. Then introduced my life to amazing sex. —Kat , 44, Female, Straight

Took a girl to a Halloween party called Heaven and Hell, where different rooms or places around the home were either themed heaven or hell. There was a lot of sex with a lot of people and it was a blast. —Nope., 33, Male, Straight

A walk on the trail followed by a light snack that lead to being tied with rope, hung on a door, made to orgasm repeatedly and being flogged, afterwhich making sweet pationate love and falling asleep in each others’ arms. —nunya, 34, Female, Straight

Dated this cougar for a year and a half. Never paid for a thing. Total boy toy. It was awesome. —male slut, 39, Male, Straight

Fuck dating. —glamour, 24, Female, Straight

The one time I ate an entire pizza by myself and had a marathon of TheNew Girl. —Shy Guy with the Electric Eye, 25, Male, Straight

Boyfriend and I went camping near Rifle River, ate mushrooms on a scorcher on the shores of Lake Michigan and day-tripped while making sand castles and pretending to be giants storming the beach. —Atlantis, 21, Female, Straight

Having first date anal sex with a blind date. —Hooks to the Left., 45, Male, Straight

Tagging along on a date with my ex-girlfriend and a boy. She forced me to come along. But I ended up marrying her date —sandy, 33, Female, Bisexual

Overlooking Lake St. Clair at night and me propositioning him for public sex. —Your Sub, 26, Female, Straight

My future wife and I took our first trip together to Las Vegas. We had to wait to get into our room and to kill time we went to the movies and saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It was so surreal coming out of the movie theater and seeing the strip. It was all uphill from there. —White married suburbanite, 39, Male, Straight

I went skiing with a woman and had the best snow ball fight ever at the bottom of the slope. —A male dancer , 40, Male, Straight

Not sure if it was a date because we didn’t go anywhere ... but when I had the chance to enjoy the female charms of a friend’s wife. I’m not proud of it ... but it was amazing. He eventually found out, they went into counseling and things are better now. In fact, he was impressed with her improved skills in several departments after her romps with me. —Henri Husson, 36, Male, Straight

On a whim I invited a guy I recently met to a burlesque show. The show was hilarious, the acts were scandalous and sexy and the post date sex was great as well. —Lady Fea, 24, Female, Straight

My English teacher invited me to her house for dinner, then we took a long bubble bath and spent the weekend in bed. —Not really., 60, Male, Straight

Went on a lunch date in midtown. I don’t remember where we ate. It was a pleasant day so we decided to go for a walk after. Ended up walking through WSU main courtyard and at that moment ... Jam Master Jay jumps on this janky stage ... followed by Rev Run & DMC. She wasn’t into it. I don’t remember what happened to her but, I stayed for the whole show. And they played every fucking hit. —mr jr, 33, Male, Straight

Oh, if it was my lucky day, former Wings player Chris Osgood. I’m a sucker for hockey players and he’s so easy on the eyes! My gay father even comented on how good looking he was! The bonus is that he also has an amazing personality! Who wouldn’t want to bang that! —Aqua Lily, 29, Female, Straight

Madonna during “Like a Prayer” age ... She was hot and made me smile. —Benjammin , 26, Male, Straight

Shaggy 2 Dope from ICP. I have loved him for a long time. He is still so very sexy! Much clown love, Shaggs! —JuggaloRose, 30, Female, Straight

Jack White. He just oozes sex with his goth suits, pale skin and cigarettes. Ever since I first saw him strumming the guitar at the Masonic, he has been the object of my masturbatory thoughts. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight

Danny Brown cause he’s fucking insane. —N/A, 20, Female, Straight

Satori Circus. He looks like he’d be a lot of fun ... and quirky! —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual

What’s the greatest thing you learned from experience?

Kids make you tired and broke. Use birth control unless you are ready to do without sleep or money for several years. —Heywood Jabloumi, 38, Male, Straight

Dignity is overrated. —MickeyB, 47, Female, Bisexual

To listen to a woman’s breathing. It tells you everything you need to know about where to go next and when to do it. —meatsword, 27, Male, Straight

Appreciate what you have. —fishbomb, 61, Male, Straight

Don’t take life too seriously. —Nice, 43, Female, Straight

Always making women come first. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight

What I’ve learned is to get to know and love your body first and never ever go back with an ex. —Ms. Ann, 43, Female, Straight

Nothing has to be rushed. You can take your time. A man won’t like you more just because you put out. —Sweetiepants, 32, Female, Straight

That you have to be vocal about what you want and need from sex. If you’re afraid to say what you want then you aren’t truly comfortable with the person you’ve chosen to have sex with. —Honey Jones, 23, Female, Bisexual

Patience. A lot of my fantasies came to fruitition over time. —James M, 28, Male, Straight

Don’t date involved men. —huge freak, 41, Female, Straight

Don’t get too attached too quickly. A good lay can trick your brain into falling into pseudo-love. Really feel someone out first after you feel them out. —AP Frenzy, 22, Female, Straight

Do you have a confession you’d like to make to a lover past or present?

I shouldn’t have fucked you. You know who you are. —stallion, 36, Male, Straight

You had a big dick, but you didn’t know how to work it at all. Quality over size, buddy. —Omnivore, 33, Female, Bisexual

I wish it wouldn’t be weird for your brother to join us. —Red, 44, Female, Straight

I faked it. Every time. —ewangal, 47, Female, Bisexual

I really liked this girl and she would never go out with me and I ran into her mother at the bar and had sex with her instead. —The Gipper, 39, Male, Straight

To both of you who asked if I was dating someone else at the time — the answer is actually “yes.” —Jeyne Moxley, 26, Female, Bisexual

John, you have a small dick that didn’t work a quarter of the time, but you’re still the sexiest man I’ve ever known and the best lay I’ve ever had. Not sure how that works out. But it’s true. I will want you, always. —Killer Queen, 29, Female, Straight

To my current lover, sometimes I hide my orgasms. I’m usually on my third orgasm when I finally announce it. It’s because I’m completely enamored on how you’re such a man in bed. —The Vivacious Vegan, 27, Female, Straight

Bo, I never loved you. And I fucked Jonathan every day you were in ohio. And I loved it. We laughed at you and your shitty life while I rode his cock. It felt great. —rubyfoxrose, 27, Female, Bisexual