Industriously looking to end the single life and sharing stories along the way

Holiday Posts

Ah, we meet again but this time I have come shamelessly prepared. For this day is oddly identified as an omen for the coming year and greedily poses the challenge of “have a good time.” To that, I release my arms akimbo and exclaim with a nod:

After a tumultuous past year filled with casuistry, depression, loneliness and poor harmony, it’s time to torch this place and bolster that threadbare soul within me. I’m firing off a missive. It’s time to GET STRANGE dammit.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: TWO WOMEN WITH TAYLOR SWIFT LYRIC TATTOOS

On the 3rd day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: THREE NIGHTS CAMPING WITH MY EX

On the 4th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: FOUR OVERZEALOUS DRACONIAN FEMINISTS

On the 5th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: FIVE SANCTIMONIOUS #BLESSED HASHTAGGERS

On the 6th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: SIX WHORES IN THE DRAWERS

On the 7th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: SEVEN WET BLANKETS WHO HAVE MET THEIR FRIEND THRESHOLD

On the 8th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: EIGHT ENTERTAINING IDENTITY CRISES

On the 9th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: NINE DUCK-FACE SELFIES

On the 10th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: UPTALKING OR VOCAL FRYING DEBUTANTES

On the 11th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: ELEVEN BATHROOM MIRROR SELFIES (I get it, you use the toilet, you’re potty trained and we’re all super duper proud of you but I don’t need photo evidence of this. Seriously.)

On the 12th day of Christmas, New York dating gave to me: TWELVE REPLY-LESS MESSAGES

This is in response to New York Cliche’s Christmas post. If you’re not familiar, check out her site and follow her on all the social media business. She’s cool, quirky, urban, and – wait for it, wait for it – cliche (ba dum tsh; facepalm). But in a good way.

‘Tis that festive time of the year in America where everyone dresses up, feasts on cheap milk chocolate, downs several cocktails, stumbles back to their homes, empties out their cornucopias, followed by their stomachs. Just me? Well, I’m sure Merman didn’t make it to the bathroom in time too.

For all you part-time office dwellers, today was the perfect opportunity to affront your smug boss by covering them with a thousand post-it notes. If you didn’t, it’s still Halloween week, you can still get away with it if done with enough conviction. Awkwardly get the closet key from Sharlene the hoarder, grab ten dozen packages of post-its, half the HR team, and ambush your boss in his/her corner office. Do it. Do it while you still can dammit! This week is about showing your true self.

Several years ago, I went to a college Halloween party where an old acquaintance had the gall to dress up as a six-foot penis. He was the ex-boyfriend of a good friend and after a few drinks she vehemently vented to me about how he cheated and appeared emotionally devoid during most of their relationship. While consolation would have been appropriate, I took the more impertinent route. After returning my gaze back to her, my only response was, “Of course he did Vicky. He is literally a giant dick.” Buyer beware.

Well, you know what they say: history is his story. I hope everyone’s enjoying their holiday (hopefully a day off from work) as well as awkward conversations with friends and family that tend to sound like this.

OR working to to keep their stoned aunt busy because some schmuck let her stuff the turkey this year.