Ron Swanson Wants To Show You How To Grow a Mustache Like A Real Man

“Get ready for the single manliest journey of your life,” says Nick Offerman, classically trained actor who also plays Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson. In promoting Movember — a November-long event involving the growing of moustaches to raise awareness of prostate cancer and other male cancer initiatives — Offerman has come out with a few tips on how to grow a beefy lip caterpillar like the one Swanson wears. Among those tips: Hammer a nail, move out of your mother’s basement, and eat an onion. Swanson, for the record, washes his daily with whale oil and cologne.

If Tom Selleck’s mustache and Nick Offermans’ mustache got in a fight, which mustache would emerge victorious? Could anyone else pull off a Ron Swanson mustache? I wonder if Megan Mullally prefers the Swanson stache or a clean-shaven Offerman because the clean-shaven Offerman is terrifying. These are the things I wonder about.

Selleck’s by a landslide. That mustache doesn’t even need whale oil and a comb. It is populated by decades worth of cougar juice! It straightens itself and allows Selleck to play tennis, go horseback riding and get his kids to school all in one day.