'Noddy and Big Ears visit The White House' by Adenoid Frighten

It was a warm summer's day in Toytown, and Big Ears was bored having nothing to do when his friend Noddy suddenly turned up. 'Hello, Big Ears', Noddy said, 'what are you doing?' 'Nothing', Big Ears replied. 'Why don't we go to The White House?', Noddy suggested, and soon the two were at the door of that little house on the prairie.

Noddy was about to knock on that door when it was opened by the butler, Mr. Cheney. 'I've been expecting you', the butler said, waving them in, and they all went into the Oval Office, a room called that because it was built by the Freemasons who control America.

'Sit down', Mr. Cheney said, and they did. 'Now, how would you like to play at being a President?', and Noddy and Big Ears were both excited at the idea, but they couldn't both be President, so the butler had to choose which one would play the game.

And Mr. Cheney chose Big Ears, and then he taught Big Ears how to pretend to be a President. 'You must wave and smile and talk like a preacher', he said, 'and fly round and round the world for no reason.'

'What fun!', Big Ears laughed, 'why, any child could do that!' 'But you are the lucky little child I've chosen to play the part', the butler reminded Big Ears, 'but please only talk like a child does. You know, silly catchphrases like 'Yes we can' that a brain-damaged baboon would find interesting, but not an adult.' 'Brain-damaged baboon?'

'Yes, sadly I chose a brain-damaged, alcoholic, drug-addicted baboon to play at being President the last time, and it didn't go too well.' 'What happened?, asked Noddy, trying not to notice what a rather attractive female interne was doing in the corner with one of The White House staff.

'The baboon ended up acting like - well, like he was a drug-crazed, alcoholic baboon, with about as much brains as a fried egg. Now, Big Ears, you must make a speech for children's TV - CNN', and Big Ears went out to the lawn to face the cameras.

'My fellow children', he said gravely, waving and smiling first, 'yes we can, roadmap to peace, four more years, blah blah blah blah, we will win the war that we have no chance of winning, but as you're all little children you'll believe anything I say if it's on TV. Blah blah blah blah, the feeblest country in the world being used year after year by the big bad adults in London and Paris.'

'And now, boys and girls, it's time for me to go. But remember - last thing at night always brush your teeth, and always take a stars and stripes flag to bed with you, a nice little comfort blanket in case you have bad dreams about America being unimportant, and about those bad bad boys and girls in England making fun of that fact.'

And the children watching all laughed and clapped their hands, for they liked Big Ears and his way of talking like a retarded 4-year old, though some of their parents were wondering if having Big Ears as a President wasn't proof that the USA was just a cartoon country that any child could pretend to run.

And Mr. Cheney carried on running The White House, while Big Ears carried on playing at being President, and as for Noddy - Noddy had to continually avoid sniper fire every week, fired by Islamic Fundamentalist terrorists. Or what the British call 'harmless gits that are a joke'.