Sonny Garrett: The bare truth about nekkid TV

Naked TV?

Well, those darned cable and satellite networks have done it again. In an apparently desperate quest for program ideas they're digging really deep for a new variety of entertainment — naked TV shows.

There's Naked & Afraid in which two strangers are dropped into the wilderness with absolutely nothing except a camera crew and have to survive for three weeks. There's Dating Naked, a sort of au naturel Dating Game in which participants get over the initial shyness of blind dates in a hurry.

Then there's Buying Naked, about real estate folks trying to sell property to nudists who go house hunting sans clothing, much to the delight and consternation of the sales folks. Naked Castaway features a former British army captain who's washed ashore alone on an island with nothing, and left there.

Now, nudity really doesn't bother me — except for mirrors — but these shows are like bad Canadian sketch comedy, or Austin Powers movies. Sure, the folks are nude, but so many props are strategically placed to cover the naughty bits it's a toss-up between scenes being hilarious or just weird. Seriously, how often do people run across well-placed cantaloupes, cupcakes, tennis rackets and tall house plants?

For the record, as an old Survivor fan, I've watched Naked & Afraid because of its concept — man and woman vs. nature in the most vulnerable way possible. I've seen clips from the other shows, which even I couldn't bring myself to see more than that. It wasn't the nudity as much as the stupidity.

What's amazing is all the folks involved, at least without clothes, are perfect specimens of athletic prime and runway model beauty, although by the end of three weeks in the wilderness the ones on Naked & Afraid are looking rather rough. Nary a pot belly nor saggy bottom is to be seen on the others. They look as if they've stepped out of one of those exercise machine commercials.

Of course, when there aren't any strategic chairs, large plants or sizable fruits and vegetables the producers blur out certain parts so viewers can't see if anything sags. It's like the news shows masking an anonymous source with blurred screen, only lower.

While the blurring would seem to defeat the premise of these shows, I guess it adds to the smirking, juvenile titillation factor so viewers can feel a little naughty about watching. Apparently TV programs overseas are more relaxed about nudity as well as possibly more mature and less puritanical than in America. Blood and violence are OK here, but no bare bosom.

I guess what worries me is how far this naked TV trend could go. Naked talk shows certainly would put a new spin on The View. And that MTV show Unplugged could be renamed Unclothed. It could give a whole different meaning to one of the new fall shows, The Flash.

There could be Say Yes to the Undressed and Pawn Stars in the Raw. Or The Walking Nude, Breaking Bare, Face the Naked, 77 Sunset Stripped (a rebooted series), True Bod, Sons of Nudity.

How about a new version of an outdoors show, Buck Naked Commander, or Naked Swamp People.