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Author
Topic: In A Dark Place Here (Read 14288 times)

Man, I never thought I would post something like this. I don't know what to do and I am really scared now. My GFs in the Dating thread are gonna be surprised to read this. I was all excited about finding a new job at a car dealership and now I just don't know. The demons are out and circling that full moon tonight, as well as circling my head.

I have been trying to regroup this year after a LTR ended last December. My main trouble has been with being unemployed since mid-May. You'd think it was man trouble from reading my threads since late June, but this is on a totally different level and I don't know what to do.

I own a home, I have a college degree and I can't get a job to support myself. I have learned to live off of very little over the years, never having nice, new things, just struggling to pay the mortgage and all of my medical co-pays. I just started on ADAP in July and they cover the COBRA premium from my last job, plus all of my Rx's are covered now except for one for $10 a month. Doctor's visits still come out of pocket.

All summer I have been going to the chiropractor and for the past ten weeks to a massage therapist as well (for a mere 30 minutes cause that's all I can afford), to alleviate neck pain which has affected my perception. I have two minor neck injuries from 2001 and 2002 which have resulted in disc degeneration already at age 37. You think HIV would be the health issue that would hold me back the most after 14 years, but its this damn neck. Maybe its the HIV, too, I don't know.

When I drive for more than ten minutes at high speeds, its like my eyes see the road but my brain can't process everything quite right, like there is a disconnect. Arms are up on the wheel and maybe the neck is aggravated? When I stand for more than ten minutes, I start to feel unbalanced and need to hold on to something. Sometimes when I walk I feel a disconnect, like my brain knows when my foot will hit the sidewalk, yet the perception or timing gets all messed up. This became more notable two years ago and I always blamed it on anxiety, exhaustion, diabetes, hot weather, anything. I had a stress test, xray of my C-spine and four different MRIs done this past May. Everything is fine except for the damn neck. Or is it HIV? Looking back, I have had these troubles pretty much since the last accident which injured my neck in 2002.

Tonight I can't sleep, I am panicking. I don't have the energy to find a job. I have tried and its no use, but I will keep trying. Now I am doubting my ability to even work because of these physical ailments and it has all come down to this:

Do I apply for SSDI? I know nothing about it except that they turn you down a few times initially. I am so emotional over this that I can't even bring myself to go to the SSA office. I am so close to being able to support myself, if I could only hold on a little longer, find a job, at least TRY? But isn't that what I've been doing? I don't want to give up. And if I do get a job, is it just going to run me into the ground and sacrifice my health and well-being even more? How can I possibly live off of SSDI with a mortgage and bills to pay?

I am feeling desperate and alone and don't want to compromise my lifestyle, but I realize this body aches more than it used to, and I may have to do something soon. I have unemployment until the end of the year, but its going to be very tight. What little savings I have will have to be depleted as well. I even told Stone, a new pos guy I have met, that he could rent my basement if he wanted to, to help us both out. I am feeling so messed up. That was a desperate act on my part, dammit all.

I am hoping I read this later today and kick myself. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to go on SSDI and close the door on any opportunities I may have had with a regular paying job. I just want to be able to take care of myself. Its tough to even write this, because THIS is what is really happening to me now, THIS is my reality, and it scares the shit out of me. My neck isn't getting any better, the tightness in it affects my occipital lobe at the base of my skull, which is why my perception is messed up. This, along with fibromyalgia, HIV and diabetes, is exhausting the hell out of me. I am so damn CLOSE to being energetic and happy and being able to sustain myself, but this damn neck has blown it all to crap. I may have to apply for SSDI. I don't know what to do.

I have never had an OI, so the SSDI would be based on the fibromyalgia and the impairment from the neck, along with HIV and diabetes.

I live in Maryland and don't know what would cover my medical down the road. Is it Medicare, Medicaid? Oh dammit all. I hope I'm better in the morning. Shit, it IS morning.

honey im so, so sorry you are feeling so shitty. i think that life sometimes throws us these dark moods from nowhere and we have to struggle our way out. i really hope you feel better once youve slept on it, but it may take more than a few days to spring back to your normal self, in which case please continue to post your thoughts here.

i cant advise you on matters such as ssdi as im in england and know nothing about it so i'll leave that to people who do know.

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

I was just thinking of you. I am superstressed this week (job related) and I was thinking last night and this morning how many negative things I say to myself. i did read your dealership idea and I think it's a great idea. I think it will be a good opportunity. Whether on not it will bring the megbucks in I am not sure but I think it will be something you'll be good and and if not... then what have you lost?

I am having the "go on benefits?" thoughts every once in a while when I can't sleep due to stress/PN. Except... I don't have any right to benefits. In any country. My main priority in my next country will be to actually be elligable for them, b/c that's a great crutch. I think you should definately find out about the options of getting help, so that you will feel safer in your job search and you know that the ground won't fall beaneath you if you are unable to work. Independantly of that, I think you should keep looking for a job that is suitable for you. You have plenty of skills (you stated them yourself so I will not repeat) and live in a densly populated area so they should be there. I am not overlooking your very real health problems but I have seen your ups and downs on the forums for a while and I think, that you should think of what would make you the happiest and most at ease. I also don't think that you lack energy in general but that you can get overwhelmed (remember the night meeting all these guys in the bar and worrying you would pass out from standing too much?). From what you've let on so far I think that would be a job, but of course this is only based on external observation. It doesn't mean you have to kill yourself for it, and it doesn't mean that all your colleagues will be fit and fresh either. They will take sick days and so can you, and if it's a workplace that does not allow that, it's not the right place for anyone, because we all feel unwell once in a while. Also, you must make sure that you ar not standing on your feet all day long. That you can rest on your job. Resting/taking breaks does make workers more productive and an employer that doesn't see that is just narrow minded.

Another thing, and sorry to sound like a mom here, I think you need to regulate your sleep patterns somewhat, I know for me PN/muscle ache is much worse when they are irregular and that should be true for neck pain as well. And besides all that, get everything looked at very very carefully. Maybe you need glasses, or a bigger prescription, maybe you have migraines (not all migrains are a headache), maybe you have some sort of PN that messes with your balance. I know it's awfully hard, sometimes here at work, or sitting at home thinking of my situation (over and too specifically qualified for the general market, but not nearly enough for my field, and with no benefits that even when I worked as a chamber maid I had, at the time of my life that I need this safety net the most), I feel like my muscles are so tense that I could just generate elecricity and save the environment! So please try to tell yourself that you have skills and can be beneficial to most jobs (you know that you do/are), and that you have a right for some health issues, and that you have a right to find out what's good for you.

Big hug,

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I also don't think that you lack energy in general but that you can get overwhelmed (remember the night meeting all these guys in the bar and worrying you would pass out from standing too much?).

TY GFs for posting from across the waters. Drag, its funny you mention the quote I have above. I wasn't overwhelmed standing around with those guys back on July 21st, it was my damn NECK that made me feel like tipping over! LOL Thanks for giving me a nudge, but I don't know what to do. Maybe selling cars has enough down time that I can be off my feet during the day, but the long hours? I have no idea. I just checked everything on craigslist.com here, and there is absolutely nothing. This will take some time. Wish me good luck and a good job.

Sorry about everything that is happening. You may want to think about SSDI. When my ex was sick he got SSDI. It has helped him a lot. ALso if you start feeling better you can go off SSDI and go back to work. You can also work some (very little) while on SSDI. I know all of this because of me helping my ex apply for SSDI and benefits. there are also a lot of benefits the state may have that you could possibly look into. Hell my ex just moved to Philadelphia and not only does he have SSDI but they now have a maid coming in once a week to help with cleaning his place. He also gets free massage. Hell Im thinking of quitiing work now that I think about it. Then again he is Italian so maybe he is getting these benefits from the mafia .

But seriously if you need the help I would get the beneifts. Why struggle if you don't have to. I can understand though but you have earned the benefits through the taxes you paid while working. Hope everything works out

Drag, its funny you mention the quote I have above. I wasn't overwhelmed standing around with those guys back on July 21st, it was my damn NECK that made me feel like tipping over!

I meant, that you were overwhelmed not from the guys, but from worrying that your neck will get the better of you in a social, crowded situation, and worried about how to handle the sitting etc, and in the end you did just fine.

it's very tough I know, and maybe most people would go on aid already, and I am not disqualifying that (like I said I want to be at least elligable).

I wish you always all the luck, and just to find the place that is the most comfortable

Logged

"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I'm hoping you read this later and see it as a turning point for how you are dealing with the emotional toll of everything.

Cindy,

I don't know the physical issue of the disc degeneration in the neck, though I can have an idea from just the one time I flattened my bottom spine disc which left me feeling almost paralyzed for a week and walking for two+ months like my right leg was just a dead slab of meat to be dragged behind me....not to mention the constant pain. This was before I had HIV and being in a constant feeling of pain, difficulty and just not being able to do anything without being aware that something was wrong with my body made affected me greatly emotionally, physically, socially and mentally. It's a lesson I still remember vividly to this day and use as a personal gauge of why HIV and what it does to my body is to be taken seriously.

As for the darkness and demons - it was a year ago July 31 when I thought I lost my battle to them - in hindsight I think I had to face them in my most naked form with nothing left to lose in order to truly be able to see them and to fight them....and happily, miraculously - I actually won. I know that sounds so philosophical and mystical...and like a nice ball of New Age crap, but the fact is that demons and darkness are real and you have to give them the weight that they demand in order to conquer them. I see your post here as doing just that - you are voicing and giving form to the demons that are haunting you and many (not all) can be battled and hopefully conquered in the full light of this discussion.

Part of my depression by the way was similar to your in the job arena. For years, I was a successful vice president in finance and was making 6 figures with an assistant, and when I was let go...I went tharn. I couldn't find work (though in my case I didn't try to hard at first) and slipped into very self destructive behaviour that started with simple procrastination and self doubt and ended with serious drug usuage. At the end of the whole period as I was pulling myself out I was still at a loss of how to find work again as I still had so many questions of my abilities and my perceptions of what prospective employers would see of anything from my abilities to any physical issues that I might had or might arise.

For me the answer was in entering the nonprofit sector through a temp agency. It was (is) low pay however I found the lowered expectations of the job also gave me a chance to slowly rebuild my confidence in myself - not only that I was great at what I did professionally - but that I could do better. While I can't answer for you what to do employment wise if you decide to continue working, I can say that there may be options out there that exist that perhaps weren't previously on your radar screen as far as work possibilities and ask you to consider things (if possible) that you may have written off previously as not something you could do...of course this does go back to your neck issues and I hope you understand that what I'm speaking about is completely ignorant of what you are feeling with the disc issue and only a suggestion based off of your perception that you can still work.

As far as the SSDI question - I don't know, but know those who have gone through the process and who are currently on it will offer you the nitty gritty.

My last thought is to remind you of what I started with - please don't kick yourself or be embarrassed about you expressing what is going on in your life - the ability for us all to share our ups and downs and support each other through those periods is the real purpose of these boards in my opinion.

Hey my metal friend- I wonder if you should see a neurologist about your neck. I think that might be a good place to go. Chiropracters can only do so much. You might need to get at the root of this problem and see what options are there for relief.

As far as the job vs. SSDI thing.... only you know when you're ready to go on SSDI. Yes, initially, they usually turn people down, but I have a friend who's on SSDI for fibromyalgia, so don't give up on the idea. You can make up to $860 a month while on disability. While it's true that SSDI doesn't provide a lavish lifestyle, you have to think of what's best for your health. If you think you might want to try to earn a living off of SSDI, then do that.

I'm wondering if maybe seeing a therapist might help sort all of this out for you. I see a therapist once a week and it helps tremendously. While we can support you, having someone in person to talk to can help a lot.

Contact your local ASO to see what benefits are there for you. Doing this before something happens can bring peace of mind-somewhat.

I'm also concerned about the hours you're keeping. I know we all have different sleep habits, but staying up 1/2 the night or all night could be making your neck pain worse. I have a lot of bone and health issues other than HIV, and when I don't try to keep regular sleep hours, not only does it exaggerate the pain, but it makes me extremely moody and down-and-out.

Please take care of yourself, and get the help you need. Make a list of things to do, and do them one thing at a time. Trying to think of doing everything at once can be overwhelming. Hang in there, sweetie. Sending big {{{HUGS}}} your way.

Logged

I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Ml, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I know very little about SSDI but if you need it, then get . I believe Betty is correct, you can work parttime while receiving it. It's hard to have to get help but we all need help sometimes. Hope things get better. Cristy

Are you enrolled with an ASO? A case manager may be able to help you access services, including medical services and counseling, SSDI, SSI, etc., that can be totally confusing to someone trying to do it on their own.

As for the job thing, honey, I hear you. I went seven months without a job in 2005. It was a difficult time in my life, but I managed to muddle through and the right job finally came along.

Good advice from our Betty: Do one thing at a time. Trying to do it all at once will do nothing but make you crazy.

Dan J.

Cindy, read the link above. It takes 6 months from the time you apply for SSDI before your benefits start. You may be able to draw SSI until then. You would be on Medicaid for your health insurance. The amount you can earn each month & still draw SSDI changes every year. This year it is 900.00 a month. It's better to earn below that amount monthly because if you consistently earn near the maximum amount the Social Security Administration will guestion your SSDI claim.

Have you had an MRI done on your neck? I hope your feeling better now than when you posted the thread earlier today

I am so sorry you are going through this. If there's anything I know about, it is making bad decisions based on FEAR. I would caution you to learn as much as possible about SSD. I have lived on SSD since 1995, and it is nothing to strive for. I would suggest that you try to get some medical help about your neck, that seems to be the main thing that is holding you back. I just can't help but believe there is SOMETHING that could be done to help you with that.

When you're out of work, finding a job seems like climbing Mt. Everest. I support you in whatever decision you ultimately come to about this, but I think you're right....those applying for SSD are routinely denied (ask Lisa) and that can turn in to a long, drawn out process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you honey.

Love,Alan

Logged

"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

The form for SSDI includes a part for the applicant to state his or her own case. If you apply, it is very important that you describe in detail every single problem that prevents you from holding down a regular job. Put a lot of thought into that statement. Keep it around for a few days and have other people read it and make suggestions before sending it out. You also need to make sure that your doctor is fully on board with the decision. I hope he or she has been fully documenting your problems in your file.

Before I applied for SSDI, I made it a point to bring a detailed list of all the problems I was having to each doctor's appointment to make sure I didn't leave anything out. Whenever the doctor walked into the exam room and asked, "How are you doing?" I suppressed the reflex to say "Fine" or "O.K." Instead, I would start describing the fatigue, depression, nausea, diarrhea, and any other issue I had.

Well, I went to bed at 730am and got up at 430pm. That is messed up. I will try to go to bed tonight by midnight, taking a Benadryl or Xanax to knock my ass out.

Thank you all for what you've posted here. I have come to this conclusion: There is no way in hell that I am going to give up. I am not going on disability right now because that would be giving up. My neck can do better if I apply myself every day and stay active. Ten minutes walking on the treadmill, followed by ten minutes of weight lifting, dancing, crunches on my exercise ball.......I have Biofreeze on my neck right now. Its like IcyHot and it feels wonderful. All it takes is a little effort.

SSDI seems to be bottom of the bucket as far as income and I know I still have the potential to do more. My mortgage alone is $1000, and that's low only cause I've been in this house 14 years. I got a lot from what Iggy posted (nice to see your face, btw....) and I AM feeling a little insecure about my abilities. I am spiraling down as far as my behavioral patterns are going. I'm not drinking or doing drugs, never have, but my sleep patterns should be a damn wake up call.

I am the same as Drag, over qualified for a lot of positions around here, and underqualified for many others. I just need my happy medium. I feel like Mark, just waiting for the right thing to come along, and I know it will.

I should be grateful that I haven't lost my mind and that I still see the potential for great things for myself. I will continue to apply to jobs each week. Maybe tomorrow I will call the car dealership if I get the nerve. They prefer experience but are "willing to train the right person." I'll never know if I am the right person if I don't try.

I just know I am sick of going into an office environment not earning what I am worth, only to be working with a bunch of catty, whining, redneck morons. I have always been intelligent, excelled in school, and if I don't hold onto that NOW, I may lose it forever. I think I may have more power than I even realize, with my personality and all-American girl looks, I should be able to sell anything. People have always told me that and I have always said "No way!" God forbid if I didn't do my job perfectly and messed up. I am very hard on myself, but sales may come very naturally to me. I have had a little experience with inside sales at a catering company, and I absolutley thrived on it! That should be a good sign for me to try selling cars.....

I will do what I always do, I will PUSH myself. I'll know if its too much for me, and right now, it isn't. It just isn't yet. The things I want are so close I can taste them....a new job, a new home, new friends, smiles and smiles and smiles, relief of this pressure from low income. I want to work where I can make a difference. What's more important than buying a home? Having a car, I say. This is the DC suburbs here, things are always hopping, people are always buying.

An old song just came on by Journey....."We all need new FRONTIERS......" Remember that one? A mantra of sorts for me right now. Of course, now Gwen Stefani is singing "Its my life......" LOL

If this plan with the cars doesn't work, I saw an ad last night to be a photo manager for Santa Claus in the local mall in the next few months.

Whatcha think about that? (OLD pic from Nov 99 with my brother. I had just turned 30, and no lipo! )

Having a rough time myself today and I can't process this much but let me try to work with the Full Moon. Tonight the Moon is square Mars- easy to become upset and lose tempers, people are self-indulgent and irritable. This will pass in a few hours. Mercury is conjunct Neptune- Mercury is the communicator to the Gods/Goddesses and Neptune is a higher vibration of Venus, this creates escapist tendencies so let "love issues go for the evening"- This too will pass. Tonights moon is square Jupiter which is also unfavorable and brings stress. This will also pass in a few hours.

In this lunar cycle...Venus, Pluto and Neptune are in Retrograde. We can expect indecision and plan changes especially in areas concerning love, wisdom and enthusiasm. All hell can break loose tonight but will be better tomorrow. Have a better dayMichael(who never claimed to be a witch or warlock)

Hey my metal friend- I wonder if you should see a neurologist about your neck. I think that might be a good place to go. Chiropracters can only do so much. You might need to get at the root of this problem and see what options are there for relief.

I'm wondering if maybe seeing a therapist might help sort all of this out for you. I see a therapist once a week and it helps tremendously. While we can support you, having someone in person to talk to can help a lot.

Contact your local ASO to see what benefits are there for you. Doing this before something happens can bring peace of mind-somewhat.

I'm also concerned about the hours you're keeping. I know we all have different sleep habits, but staying up 1/2 the night or all night could be making your neck pain worse. I have a lot of bone and health issues other than HIV, and when I don't try to keep regular sleep hours, not only does it exaggerate the pain, but it makes me extremely moody and down-and-out.

Please take care of yourself, and get the help you need. Make a list of things to do, and do them one thing at a time. Trying to think of doing everything at once can be overwhelming. Hang in there, sweetie. Sending big {{{HUGS}}} your way.

Hey Girl -- You'll soon see, if you haven't already, my post in PW from earlier today. Seems Betty and I see some things similarly on your behalf! This neck thing is important -- whether neurologist or acupuncturist, someone else has to enter the scene. You might need a brace, or treatments, or fusion, or, or, or....I'm glad you already realize chiro has its limitations. (of course, chiros will never concede that.)

Having a rough time myself today and I can't process this much but let me try to work with the Full Moon. Tonight the Moon is square Mars- easy to become upset and lose tempers, people are self-indulgent and irritable. This will pass in a few hours. Mercury is conjunct Neptune- Mercury is the communicator to the Gods/Goddesses and Neptune is a higher vibration of Venus, this creates escapist tendencies so let "love issues go for the evening"- This too will pass. Tonights moon is square Jupiter which is also unfavorable and brings stress. This will also pass in a few hours.

In this lunar cycle...Venus, Pluto and Neptune are in Retrograde. We can expect indecision and plan changes especially in areas concerning love, wisdom and enthusiasm. All hell can break loose tonight but will be better tomorrow. Have a better dayMichael(who never claimed to be a witch or warlock)

Hi Michael~

I loved your post, and I KNOW everything is unsettled. Supposed to have a lunar eclipse early tomorrow morning, about 5am east coast time, before the sun rises. If we all don't sink into the ocean, it will be a miracle.

BTW, my name "Cynthia" means Goddess of the Moon. I am feelin' it with this Full Moon now, for sure.

Em~ Yes, I forgot to add to the c-spine, stress test, MRI, MRA, MRE and MRV.......I DID go to a neurologist. Nothing found. Its these discs in my c6 and c7 that are bulging out some, so I have to stay active. Its like arthritis, the more you move, the more limber you are and you feel better.

Just keep giving me strength, I just need a little encouragement right now. Usually too damn proud to ask, but I'm asking. You are always a big help to me and I look forward to your opinion on many things in the threads! Muah!

I know you are having some problems and I realize that what I say may have no significance for you. But...My acupuncturist has a treatment to help you overcome the darkness and get your body more focused and upbeat. I have been trying this instead of the Wellbutrin drug types....and so far its working. But let me tell you I feel the darkness nipping at my heels.

Ml, you have beauty, brains and a good personality. You would be great at sales or probably anything else you choose to do. I realize that you want to handle everything yourself but don't be too stubborn to get help when you need it. Maybe not now but when you need it. Sorry you are having such problems with your neck. Hopefully you can improve it with the things you were talking about doing. Lots of love Cristy

At least you got some SSDI feedback even if you do not choose to act on it at this time. My only additional advice (unless someone stated this and I missed it) is to request from Social Security a statement of your SS and Medicare contributions to date. This statement will include a summary line stating that "if you were to be disabled at this time you would have a monthly income of ..." It used to be that these statements were issued yearly, or at least every few years I can't recall. Are you sure you've never received one of these?

TY to all of you......I just worked out, went a mile on the treadmill during 20 minutes, trying to do the right thing here! Got a good sweat going and blood sugars are dropping into the good range as we speak.

Yes, Philly, got a SSI statement last week. I would get $1275 a month. I make $1650 on unemployment right now, which is good thru mid-January or so.

That SSI stmt scared the hell outta me. HOW can anyone live off of that? My mortgage and Jeep payment alone wouldn't be covered. Never mind food and utilities......SSDI isn't an option right now, I just know it isn't.

I am also widowed 11 years, I wonder if I could pull from my late husband's SSI in addition to mine when the time comes? I don't have any kids, so I haven't been able to get anything from his SS, except for the whopping $225 back in '96, the infamous "Widow's Benefit." What a crock of shit that was.

Well, I need not tell you that you'd have to sell your residence and dump the car and take public transportation, which would involve moving somewhere else knowing where you live like I do. If you have a lot of credit card debt you'd probably have to file for bankruptcy too.

Fun, isn't it? I agree you should always put this off until you have no other option remaining.

Moonshine Sorry to hear your having a hard go of it. Hope you feel better today and the rest of the week as well. Apply for SSD while your looking for a job get the ball rolling, its takes for ever for the government to do anything except collect your taxes. For instants it took me 2 1/2 years to get SSD and I had a mortgage to pay and a car payment also. Even if you find a job theres no harm done

"Freedoom is just another word for nothing left to lose."- Janis Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee

Modified: I realized after typing that that it wasn't really appropriate, however something about you talking about freedom and thinking of you as a rock chick sort of made it seem like a given in my mind.

At the moment, I am going though major issues myself. I would've responded sooner but you know how that is. Girl, if you think you can't survive with getting over a grand I get less than that. But anyhoo this isn't about me, just know that even though I am kinda in lurk mode, I am in your corner...

I've been good, I swear it, I was in bed by 2am! Now I have been tossing and turning, even after taking 2 xanax during the evening. Since I am up so late I might as well look for that lunar eclipse -- it should be starting here soon. I love that stuff. Tomorrow night I will try taking a Benadryl to help me sleep. That stuff usually knocks me out in 20 minutes......

Thank you all again, for everything. You are such GOOD people. I love you!

Sorry to hear of your situation.I worked for over 22 yrs, and loved what I did.But, I had to go on SSDI, the fatigue, and other side effects were getting in my way of work.I applied for both SSI & SSDI in my local SS office. I went there with tons of paperwork, medical records, etc.I was denied, this is a normal practice of the SS Administration. I then hired BINDER & BINDER to appeal my case. They were GREAT. I was approved in 3/12 months, with retroactive money. Binder & binder takes their fee, from that retroactive money.I applied for H.A.S.A. also ( NYC). They paid my rent ( up to $999.00) sent the checks right to my landlord, gave my $156.00 in food stamps and $330.00 in cash per month, to bridge the gap until my case was approved. The cash was for utilities , etc. Medicade & ADAP were also in action. Yes, I had to swallow my pride, and do these things, but, the reality of it was, I needed the help.It also took some foot work, going down to H.A.S.A., down to the SS office, etc. but it was all worth it.If you have any other questions, by all means, get back to me.Talk later, Frankie

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Diagnosed, Monday, 8/9/2004, 1ST year was ruff , now I am well adjusted .Current Med's ; Kaletra & TruvadaUndetecable,<48 , 531 tcells, 21%Keeping the faith, that they will get a cure in our lifetime.LIVE , LOVE , LAUGH

I too had worked in my Restaurant Management career for 25+ years before finally deciding to apply for SSDI. The side effects of meds (serious psychiatric problems due to Sustiva) severe pain, back problems from a fall when i was 22 and low cd4's allowed me to be approved in a record 4 months. Because of my solid work record (been working since age 16; Im 48 now) I receive the maximum amount allowed. I have had one review last year and was told then that I probably wont have another for 5 - 7 years. I was fortunate to be able to get through this process in such a short period of time. I also am fortunate for being allowed private insurance coverage from my partners company (gotta love those forward thinking domestic partner plans) and now ADAP covers all copays. Any hospitalization costs will be covered by medicare so at this time, I can live without the fear of no way to survive.My advice is to get the ball rolling on SSDI now. Although it is hard to accept that this is what you have to do, It is possible to make it on SSDI. It sounds like your neck injury is a permanent situation and is not allowing you to perform your work related tasks. Best to explore all options available to you and besides, you have paid your dues to the government and are now needing them to survive. Take advantage of this and give it a go.Best of luck to you and know that you will survive!!!!

Sorry to hear of your situation.I worked for over 22 yrs, and loved what I did.But, I had to go on SSDI, the fatigue, and other side effects were getting in my way of work.I applied for both SSI & SSDI in my local SS office. I went there with tons of paperwork, medical records, etc.I was denied, this is a normal practice of the SS Administration. I then hired BINDER & BINDER to appeal my case. They were GREAT. I was approved in 3/12 months, with retroactive money. Binder & binder takes their fee, from that retroactive money.I applied for H.A.S.A. also ( NYC). They paid my rent ( up to $999.00) sent the checks right to my landlord, gave my $156.00 in food stamps and $330.00 in cash per month, to bridge the gap until my case was approved. The cash was for utilities , etc. Medicade & ADAP were also in action. Yes, I had to swallow my pride, and do these things, but, the reality of it was, I needed the help.It also took some foot work, going down to H.A.S.A., down to the SS office, etc. but it was all worth it.If you have any other questions, by all means, get back to me.Talk later, Frankie

fyi, there generally is no "HASA" equivalent in other localities at least that I have seen.

All of our friends here seem to have covered your concerns and worries and uncertainities. Let me just emphaseze that you don't need to narrow your choices by focusing on income. You said you want to "... want to work where I can make a difference." This can be anything from selling cars to working at Starbucks to cashering at Home Depot. Right now the important thing is getting outside and away from home. Being with other people. (That's why I'm glad you're not making SSDI an option. That has more negatives than positives).

So take small steps. YOu probably feeling like you have to start all over again and you hate that. That feeling of deja vu all over again with everthing looking, smelling and feeling the same. It's can be frustrating and then you start thinking of those dark places. But it's not the same at all. For one thing, you've brought us along for the ride. Don't worry. We're here for the long haul, sharing all the laughs and tears. But there is only so much we can do and you know that. So get out there and find a job but don't set yourself up for failure. Find something low stress, with limited physical demands, and can be fun and relaxing. And then go from there. That will make all the difference.

I have always "gone for the gusto." LOL I am falling over and must go now, but will follow-up tomorrow with details on the interview. I may be making a shitload of money, something I should have done a long time ago.

Hi Cindy, Sorry I was popped out and left our IM ing the other night. I thought you were joking around about your Sustiva when you said Help Me! I hope you are feeling better, I will PM you. XOXO JeffreyM

Thought I would bump this up since I am wondering about ADAP with my employment situation.

I have only recently started ADAP, this past July 2007, so its very new to me. I am on unemployment right now, $1644/month with a 6-month max. This will run out after the holidays. Right now ADAP pays my insurance premium of $300/mo through a previous employer (COBRA). They also cover many copays for meds I am on, I am diabetic as well as pos.

My questions are:

1) If WHEN I get another job, do I have to notify ADAP? I'm thinking I do.

2) What can ADAP still help me with, even while employed?

3) Is there an amount, just like with SSDI, where ADAP won't help if you earn over a certain amount?

4) I interviewed for a job today, but the health plan has a $2500 deductible!!! Can ADAP help with that? $200 a month would make such a dent in my wallet.

5) Is ADAP like the police, lol? Will they come find me if I make a mistake?

6) With a new job and benefits being an option, can I choose to stay on my current COBRA plan and continue to have ADAP pay? I'm thinking "no" but is there some way around this?

Where is my buddy philly, you always know about all of this shit. I live in Maryland, btw. My nearest ASO is an hour down the road into traffic-from-hell land, so I prefer to start here with getting some answers.

2) if you're under the state cut off level they will still pay for your meds

3) yes, it's different for every state though... didn't they tell you what it was when you applied? It's based on a % of the federal poverty level -- I think Maryland is 500% and as such is about the most generous of any state.

4) Some states, like New York, have what they call "ADAP Plus" that provides funds for extra goodies. Not sure if MD does. Do you have a case manager -- they can better answer such detailed things.

5) varies from state to state -- some make you recertify each year, some do not. I guess however if they don't recertify that they could of course request income proof from you whenever they feel like it.

6) There is a time limit to COBRA though I forget what it is. If you are offered insurance coverage elsewhere I'd figure you have to take it technically... can't answer that one for sure. Again, you really should have a case manager for these things though it's ALWAYS good to double check on what they tell you because we all know that they're often staffed by idiots (unless you have Marc in New Mexico -- in fact PM him to answer here too).

Thank you, Philly. Yes, you are correct, Maryland is at 500%, in the top 4 states. Now I just need to find the poverty level.....I'll search around the site some more. Thank you so much for the link! I have also PMed Mark to see if he can help. Case managers and ASOs seem to be way down the road. I have looked and can't even find one in Hagerstown, looking up the road. Gheez! Closest appears to be Rockville, but I may call ADAP on Monday and ask them a bunch of questions as well.

You're right, Philly. I looked and saw I can earn up to $51K and still receive help. Why didn't I try this years ago? I had no idea and I have been struggling......I am going to call the health dept on Monday and see if they have case workers there. I have a zillion questions about what to do and how they can still help once I become employed again.

Thanks again for your help tonight! Let me know when you're going to go visit the 'rents! LOL

Thought I would bump this up since I am wondering about ADAP with my employment situation.

I have only recently started ADAP, this past July 2007, so its very new to me. I am on unemployment right now, $1644/month with a 6-month max. This will run out after the holidays. Right now ADAP pays my insurance premium of $300/mo through a previous employer (COBRA). They also cover many copays for meds I am on, I am diabetic as well as pos.

My questions are:

1) If WHEN I get another job, do I have to notify ADAP? I'm thinking I do.

2) What can ADAP still help me with, even while employed?

3) Is there an amount, just like with SSDI, where ADAP won't help if you earn over a certain amount?

4) I interviewed for a job today, but the health plan has a $2500 deductible!!! Can ADAP help with that? $200 a month would make such a dent in my wallet.

5) Is ADAP like the police, lol? Will they come find me if I make a mistake?

6) With a new job and benefits being an option, can I choose to stay on my current COBRA plan and continue to have ADAP pay? I'm thinking "no" but is there some way around this?

Where is my buddy philly, you always know about all of this shit. I live in Maryland, btw. My nearest ASO is an hour down the road into traffic-from-hell land, so I prefer to start here with getting some answers.

Thanks to all!

~Cindy

Hey Cindy,

OK, I will try to answer the questions, but please remember each state handles things differently, so please don't consider anything I say gospel.

Now, as to question 1 - yes. That would be pretty standard. Actually, here, people must re-enroll annually and, if they were at zero income when they enrolled, must provide an income update every six months until they have a stable income source, such as a job, SSI, SSDI, Social Security (for us old farts). Your unemployment probably would allow you to avoid the six-month update requirement, as long as you were still receiving it. People also are supposed to let me know when any change in income occurs, but many sort of forget.

Question 2 - yes, at least it does here. It depends pretty much on your income. As long as you don't exceed the income level set up by Maryland, you should be in good shape.

Question 3 - this sorta goes with question 2 and the answer is the same.

Question 4 - possibly. We have a program here that will pay your insurance premiums and copays as long as you are taking ARVs, even if it is private insurance through your employer. So, it is quite possible there is a similar program in Maryland.

Question 5 - Only if you're cute and they want a date. Oh wait, you are cute! LOL Seriously thought, they probably won't come after you. They don't here. They just cut you off.

Question 6 - Good question. I know that here, you will remain on COBRA until such time as your new benefits through your employer take effect. Usually there is a three- or six-month probationary period before benefits kick in for new employees. Your COBRA should cover the gap and, as it happens, also prevent any pre-existing condition clause from going into effect because you would have been continually covered by insurance prior to the new insurance benefit taking effect.

COBRA, by the way, usually is good for up to 18 months as long as the premiums are paid. If there is a lapse, however, you can't get it back. In other words, once its gone, its gone.

I know its a pain, but you really do need a case manager in Maryland to help you wend your way through the bureaucratic maze. He or she should know what programs are available, the requirements and limitations of those programs, etc.

Thanks so much for your post. Well, I just took the first step towards what I hope will be a life-changing week for me. I called the Health Dept. and the woman who would handle my case is out, but she'll call tomorrow. Instead they put me on the phone with another woman, and at first I wasn't sure how much info she could help me with. She was basically taking a message for my case manager, but then she and I talked for 15 minutes.

This woman asked me if I went to any support groups, and I explained that it had been ten years at least, I just felt like I didn't fit in. Well, this woman is the facilitator for the support group locally, and one Friday a month its women only. This Friday is a women only night, so I am going to take the plunge and go. She says there are about 5 women ages 30 to mid-50s, so I think it will be a really good environment for me! I am nervous, but really very excited, too!

The facilitator also told me about many ways Ryan White Part II/B can help me, and she also explained how MADAP can help with paying a huge deductible towards insurance. I interviewed for a job Friday that had over 200 responses from the local paper! Then they go and say they have a PPO, but the deductible is HUGE at $2500. Knowing that I have more resources to help with the HIV will really open doors for me. I can take a lower-paying job and still have financial support to help make ends meet (higher paying jobs aren't easy to get around here these days, cause no one wants to pay, and did I mention that MD has been rated the most expensive state in the Nation by the Census Bureau?...). I also asked about housing assistance to help with this damn mortgage and they will be able to help, too!

I can't wait to see my case manager and go over everything!

Mark, people like you are truly angels, REALLY! THANK YOU! I am breathing a huge sigh of relief after so many years of struggling financially as a widow. Happier times are ahead!

CindyI sure do hope that this support group is good for you. The benefits from going to a support group are really big!!!Being a good listener is just as important as being a good talker tho...you are there for each other, but of course you know that tho.

Thanks, Bear. It has been so long since I have been to a support group. I remember when I went to one in 1997 and a gay guy asked me over to his house for dinner. I didn't know what to think, lol!

The group facilitator said the support group is pretty much hetero women and gay males. I have no problem with that! I am hoping I can bring something to the group as well, through sharing my experience with them!

Please let me know how the support group works out for you. I had been considering that in the past but kinda talked myself out of it for various reasons. I hope you and the case manager get together and something works out for you. I have actually been teaching my case manager a few things, she told me that last time I seen her. And if what I taught her can help someone else then it's all good.

Thanks, GQ. I am a little nervous to meet the women. I guess its mainly because we may have different lifestyles and backgrounds. I have never felt like I have really "fit" anywhere. I am trying to look past that, tho.

I am SO glad I called the Health Dept! Maybe I can look for a job there, too?

Hey "Powder" I used to say I couldn't relate to women. But for me that was because I used to be a bit of a player when it came to men (and women, for that matter). I think you might find you have more in common that you think. I'm not saying that's the reason you really don't want to meet women. But hey, look at how well you get along with us over in the women's forum! No harm in trying.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Support groups are actually good for ... uh, support -- but also for trading stories on local issues like ADAP and other hidden goodies you may not know about, and will not learn on here since stuff is so different from state to state.