It’s good, short, and helpful—I recommend it. The article offers ideas for parents to identify “faked incompetence” in their children and provides strategies to overcome it.

Faked incompetence is one of those pesky little behaviors in children that can become significant drawbacks in their potential as adults. I’ve always worked hard to push against it in my children’s lives (particularly for my daughter). So I was anxious to read the column and pass it along.

One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never met. Specifically, she was asking for advice on how to get out of debt.

In her email, she made this telling statement, “My husband thinks debt is inevitable and not a choice. He thinks it is the only way to survive and he can’t see a way out.”

I assured her, “There are millions of families who live without massive consumer debt. We are one of them. It is entirely possible and you can absolutely do it.”

As I typed out the words, I recalled the article I had read the previous day. False incompetence is not just a child-problem, it is an adult-problem. And we see it all around us in the statements we hear from others and tell ourselves:

I can’t live debt-free.

I can’t quit smoking.

I can’t cook.

I wish I could spend more time with my kids, but I just can’t.

I can’t find a different job.

I can’t save for retirement.

I can’t declutter my home.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

If you think you can’t, you won’t. If you’ve already resigned yourself to defeat, you’ll never experience victory.

But this false incompetence can be defeated as quickly as it can be learned. The first and most important step in making any positive change in your life is to believe it is possible. Because without that belief, there is no first step.

Every positive change you desire for your life starts with two words.

Replace “I can’t,” with “I can.”

You can live debt-free. You can quit smoking. You can learn to cook. You can become a better parent. You can, you can, you can!

Consider as an example, living clutter-free.

Most of us know it is entirely possible to live in a clutter-free environment. We see others live a simpler, clutter-free life and desire it for ourselves. Some have even taken significant steps to realize it.

But others of you are not so sure. Your house has been cluttered for so long, you have almost given up all hope of ever living any other way.

For you, the first step to living in a clutter-free home is to take heart and simply believe it is possible. Realize you will never get there if you do not resolve in your mind that you can accomplish it. Find hope in the example of others. And then, take one small step forward. Replace “I can’t” with ” I can.”

Often times in our world, people search for quick-fixes or hidden knowledge. As if those who have accomplished something have more information than they are sharing. And while this may be the case in some highly-competitive industries, I have not seen this to be true in the simplicity movement. Most of us genuinely desire others to find the same freedom and joy living simply that we have experienced. And we don’t hold anything back.

But if there is one secret formula to living simple and clutter-free that I have noticed, it is this: we all believed it was possible. We knew the path might be difficult and time-consuming at times. But we knew victory could be found and clutter could be conquered. It was true for me. And it can be true for you.

I’ll say that again, it can be true of you.

Faked and/or false incompetence is not just a childhood behavior that parents need to identify and address. It is a people-problem that keeps many of us from implementing the positive life changes we desire.

As adults, we need to identify and overcome it ourselves.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

Joshua- This is a great message for a culture that often embraces a sort of learned helplessness. We are capable of a great deal, to the point we might just surprise ourselves. And it all begins with banishing that overused excuse “I can’t.” We become what we believe.

No. It’s not. Anybody can who puts their mind to it. I was raised poor, and a child victim of a cult. I still struggle, I but I have quit smoking and drinking. I have decluttered. I’m a single dad and I do spend more time with my kid than many parents. I went to college at age 30 and got a job as a college prof. I’ve written several books, hundreds of songs and I operate two blogs. I’m not the bourgeois. I’m the proletariat. Still, I said “I can” and I have.

Bravo, John! I was told many years ago that it wasn’t necessary for a woman to go to college (and there wasn’t any money in my family to help me out). I decided that was bad advice and found a way to go all the way through graduate school by working and attending weekend classes. Got a great job too when I was done, too.

I guess I would have been defeated – and been degree-less – if I spent my time nursing envy of others who were given the money by their families or any other institution.

Agree, it all starts with believing in hte possibility and making a decision and commitment to find a way. We made a decision many years ago to live free of consumer debt. And for us, it is about the freedom that gives, in so many ways and on so many different levels.

“I can” within the confines of a system in which 62 people own more wealth than the rest of the world combined sounds like hippie hokum. Sorry. It also offers zero analysis of the system under which debt is forced upon the working class.

This is a very great read! My husband and I are on our way to being entirely out of debt (including our mortgage) and we didn’t make a ton of money. We just choose to believe that “we can.” Of course, we also put an actionable plan into place to make it happen. Now, I just need to put this same idea into place in my business. I have believe the lie my entire life that if you are a stay at home Mom you can’t. It is a tough belief to overcome.

How powerful two little words can be! When I find myself using the “I can’t” excuse, I try to take a step back and ask…can’t or won’t? Is it that I truly cannot achieve this? Or, am I just not willing to put in the time or effort? In some cases, it may not be worth the time or effort, and that is ok. But, I need to remember then, that I am choosing “I won’t.” The choice comes from me. It is not forced upon me by something “I can’t” control.

My father had a three word response to my “I can’t”. It was: “Then learn it”.

It turned out to be an empowering message in several ways. First, it instilled the confidence in me that just about anything can be learned to some degree. I will never be a figure skating champion, but I can learn enough to have a good time. Second, learning a task is a process with failures along the way. My father taught me that with enough grit we can improve whatever we apply ourselves to. And the third message is to accept delayed gratification.

This is true and an age-old message. I think of “The Little Engine Who Could.” As a child victim of a cult who was raised in poverty, I’ve said “I can” and have come a long way. I’ve accomplished all the things on your list but “live debt-free.” Well, I have lived debt-free, I’m not now. But that takes time. I can.

I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. One of my new year’s resolutions has been to lose weight. It’s been a difficult and slow process. Today I was feeling pretty hopeless about the situation. As I sat down to do some work I came across this post and it encouraged me to keep going. I can lose weight. Thank you for the encouragement, Joshua.

You can do it! That was my resolution last year. After years of thinking “I can’t” lose weight, I decided “I’m just going to get to business and do it – because I can” and you know what? I did! Only a few months later I was down to my adult weight low and in the best shape of my life. You can do it! I takes discipline, mostly with food, but you can do it. Learn to love healthy food and cut unnecessary portions, and you will succeed! Then throw in some fun exercise and you are golden :)

Thanks Joshua.. Thanks a tonne.. Your articles always manage to lift me up through my beliefs.. and I have come a long way .. ever since i have started my simplicity journey.. and i never want to go back to those habits or beliefs again..

Haha me too Jan. I remember one of the dad’s at school telling us to chant this while we were running cross country. One of those ones that annoyed me at the time, but such a valuable lesson to take with you.

It saddens me that people say “I can’t”. Yes you can! Why fill your life with such negativity? You can and you will if you put your heart and mind into it. If there’s a will, there is a way…stop acting like children

There is a quote I only know in german words. I take a try to translate:

Everyone said: “This is not possible! You can’t do this!” Then, some time later, someone came who didn’t knew that others said it’s not possible and – did it.”

I hope the message of this quote is clear. When we have a presetting of something or someone the first thing we have to do is to overcome it and start fresh and clear if there was no preconceived notion or opinion. That’s the most difficult thing to get started.

Great article Joshua! I know countless of people who’re lost in debt and deeply convinced that’s the only way to live but it’s actually a choice and I’m glad there are tons of people out there who realize it.

Saying that the initial step to a positive change is changing your vocabulary became a cliche already but it’s absolutely true.

As I observe my vocabulary, my mood and overall progress toward my goals, I see that these things are deeply connected and impact each other.

Thank you for this – I know this to be true in so many areas of life – and it’s such an inherently limiting philosophy.
Maybe the whole ethos of education should be to produce children who believe they can, instead of children who ask why? those who say why not?

There seems to be a real victim mentality amongst many of the people I know, who dismiss anything innovative, anything that involves thinking outside the box as simply not possible.

I wonder if this comes from a fear of failure?

There’s some really interesting research by Carol Dweck on the two mindsets “fixed” and “growth” – the growth mindset allows for failure, for self belief and letting go of perfectionism.. it’s an interesting read:

For me becoming debt free (11 years so far) & decluttering was hearing or reading that other people had done it. The debt especially, I just thought it was a normal part of life, everyone had debt, right? To hear otherwise was a real eye opener for me.

Financial freedom is entirely possible and something I’m anxious to achieve. I’ve committed to a year of buying nothing new (food and household consumables excluded) as a means to quickly eliminate my remaining home debt. My family has adopted many other frugal habits too. My favorite quote to live by is “You can have what you want or your excuses for not.” It’s a great reminder to not let your excuses act as a stopping block for achieving your dreams.

I found this blog through Facebook a couple of months back when there was a link from a Mr. Money Moustache collection. I started reading, also Nosidebar. To be honest these sites have been the greatest encouragement to get my surroundings decluttered: finance, health, family and work. I can now say apart from many achievements, the biggest is ‘Can do’ / ‘Change the angle’ helped me stop smoking after 16 years. 2 weeks have gone by, with no remorse and I am not looking back.
So thank you for the “quiet motivation”. :)

Oh my, what a great blog entry to have read. It’s very true we can do more than we would have ever thought. I experience the limitations and being able to overcome them when I remind myself I can.
Thanks for writing out the obvious.

Thanks for this post, being reminded of the power of believing (which works both positively and negitively), can empower those who hear that message to a life that is more abundant, more peaceful, and more vibrant. One of the things taught in the ministry I attend is the 4 D’s of deliverance. Decision 1st, Desire builds, Details become clear, Deliverance follows. But it all starts with the I CAN DO attitude. Thanks again for all you DO to bring solutions for a positive life to others!!!

Thank you for this post and the timing. I’m currently decluttering a room in my home and was just thinking, “This is impossible!” and about to push stuff back into place. But I took a break to check email first and read your post. I’m going back in there and get rid of the stuff that’s weighing me down. Thank you!

Many have read the study where monkeys or subjects were held in a room. When they tried to climb and obstical (I may not be telling it exact) they were punished with an electric shock. So they settled for the crappy food and stopped trying.

When they removed the subjects except for one and added new subjects the one that was there earlier taught the new comers not to even try to get the better food because of the punishment.

The new comers never even tried for fear of a punishment they have never seen or experienced.

I guess that is a form of Faked Incompetence going real. There may not have been any punishment but the new subjects were taught that there was and never even tried to do better.

Thank you, thank you sooo much for this post. It’s just what I needed today. There’s been a few times today where I told myself I can’t do this, that and so on. What an awful thing to say to yourself. I’m always the one preaching to others that they CAN do it. But I don’t listen to my own words in times of weakness.
Thanks for reminding me and everyone reading your posts… That we CAN do it.

So much this. I have, for most of my adult life, shrugged off paperwork. Ignored it put it aside and groaned about it. Even though knowing deep down I was being a lazy sloth when I am quite capable of sucking it up and getting on with it.

But this year consistency is my goal in all that I do, doing less but being more consistent throughout it. De-cluttering paperwork and prioritizing the important stuff. Minimalism/simple living is about taking responsibility of all facets of my life and creating them to be a place that reflects my values. I cant make paperwork go away but the things it involves are of value of me, so it has gone up my list of priorities.

I have totally been adulting my way through my recent paperwork, phone calls, calendars, schedules, appointments and so forth. ;)

This is a great advice. However I approach it in a different way, whenever I get shrouded in self doubt of I can’t I make it a challenge by saying ” I have to … no matter what.”
A little extreme but this approach is helping my nephew as i challenge him to whatever he says “I can’t”

As a teaching assistant in kindergarten, the teacher and the students collectively brain storm and create an “I can” statement for each center. The expectations are concise and precise. For instance, in the library nook. “I can chose a just right for me book” and “I can remain seated on the carpet.” “I can choose one reading buddy”
These small doable instructions allow the children to follow directions without being told what the are not able to do.

I have taken this one step further in my personal life, when faced with a seemingly daunting task, I break the task down into small parts in which I can truthfully say “I can” to. I can’t clean the house today turns into I can clean the kitchen. Breaking a large long term desire into small “I can” pieces help me to string along successes and make me more comfortable and confident in the “I cans”. Still far from perfect, I choose to flip my thinking from “I can’t” to “I can” Thanks for the article. I applaud your attitude and effort in overcoming the obstacles in your your life.

Our family operates a little differently than most. We homeschool, don’t eat out much, have cheap phones, no cable….etc. When someone learns about how we live I always hear “I couldn’t do that or live like that” Well, they could if they wanted to but the don’t want to. So instead of saying can’t, I think people should just say that don’t want to. It seems more pleasing to me. I choose what to do and not do. It has nothing to do with wether I can do it but instead with what I choose. I am trying to teach my kids not say “I can’t” but rather “I choose not to at this time” And just because they choose not to at this time doesn’t mean they won’t change their minds.

People can do amazing things when they are motivated and want to bad enough. Getting out of debt is one example – everyone who decides to do so can live a debt free life if they choose to. The real question is whether they want to bad enough to get up and go do it or not.

I used to think that positive affirmations were “woo woo” and ineffective. Then I fully committed to trying this “positive thinking” everyone was raving about. It felt fake. And then it changed my life.

Truer words were never spoken. All too often these days, the phrase “I can’t” is a code word for “I choose not to because it would be too difficult”. Hippie hokum or New-Age nonsense? Au contraire! It’s the ultimate in old-school, small-c conservative thought, i.e., exercise some self-control and watch how many of your “insurmountable” problems either vanish or become quite manageable. And you develop a stronger character in the bargain.

The ‘I can’ts’ held me back from running some large hills on my running path. I didn’t think I could make it up them so I would walk. One day I decided I will go as far as I could up those hills. Before I knew it I was over to the other side. I realized it wasn’t the actual ‘hills’ holding me back. It was my fears, doubts, and weaknesses that held me back. Now I run right over those hills. I think about those same challenges in the rest of my life and what holds back are just excuses.

This is great Joshua, to point it out in our adult life as well. From my own personal journey of self growth over the past three years that has changed my life (one that I am still on and will be…) and to the concurrent journey I am traveling of becoming debt free requires to very distinct (but not secret) things. One, is the vision and mindset of that it can be done. It’s first changing the lens in which you see your “I can’ts” and envisioning the end result, your goal. And two, action and hard work. None of this is ever easy. It’s a daily grind. Our society has taken the ‘silver bullet’ approach. What’s that one thing that I can do that will change everything without any effort? We don’t have magic wands. There are no silver bullets and to the opposite of what most people think, there are no secret answers. It’s just the belief that you can and that MUST be followed with action and hard work, every day. What’s beautiful is when these two occur, it’s soon realized that the destination becomes the journey. The work, the feeling, the emotion becomes the motivator; keeping your goal in mind. Thanks for sharing that article.