On why you weren’t good enough for him

In one simple sentence, you’ve managed to cram together an invalidation (why wasn’t I) , a value judgment (good enough), and a personalization (for him.) Let me help you see it another way.

First, you can’t take this personally. It’s not even about you. I know this is difficult to accept, but you have nothing to do with what he wants or doesn’t want. His personal preferences do not speak to your quality in any way whatsoever.

While you’re at it, stop judging yourself. This has absolutely nothing to do with you being “good enough.” Your value as a human being is not connected to his romantic whims.

Finally, don’t invalidate yourself. This isn’t a failure on your part. There is no reason to frame this negatively. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know how much unrequited feelings suck, but don’t let the pain trick you into believing you deserve it.

Strip away the invalidation, the value judgment, and the personalization, and “why wasn’t I good enough for him” becomes simply, “he prefers something else.”

That’s it, really. He prefers something else, and it’s not a reflection upon you, nor is it under your control.

Accept that. Learn to think this way. You’ll still feel the pain, but it won’t be agony. It will be bittersweet instead.

I’m not a quote girl, but this reminds me of a great one that’s often attributed to Dita Von Teese: “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

Also, start asking what YOU prefer. You suffer in this way because you are giving more value to his thinking/feeling than yours, like his eyes transmit you value or something. And of course it’s not like that. Nourish the qualities that you would love to see in yourself, instead.
I know, talking is easy, just tryin’ to share my point of view.

I get what you’re saying, but I try to remind myself of the times I’ve preferred something else. Sometimes the guys were douchebags but often nice men that just weren’t a good fit for me. They would be fucking awesome for someone else, so we both deserved to make space for that.

If you insist on taking it personally, then at the very least, don’t convert the heartache into self-loathing. Convert it into self-improvement. (If you’re gonna punish yourself, you might as well get something out of it.)

How does one channel that feeling without making the self-improvement about how inadequate you are deep down? “I change this specific thing because I was rejected and now I must *prove* that I am good enough”.

Surely, if you really accepted that it was just their preference, you wouldn’t feel motivated to do anything in particular. You’d just carry on as before.

There are 7 billion people in the world and we ghost walk in and out of each others’ lives barely aware of the universes of complexity that live inside each person we touch.

We barely know what we want, and we almost never understand what we need. With that in mind, how could you possibly be what another person either wants or needs you to be? How can anyone live up to that standard? Imagine all the people who prefer you who don’t interest you or who you don’t even notice. You can’t give those people what they want, but is it your fault for not wanting them back? We go through life hurting each other. Might as well appreciate our ability to feel love for others, and being found worthy of love, even if those two feelings don’t always coincide in the same person.

A shift in what you consider the criteria for a romantic interest might be helpful here (although of course not easy to do).

Somewhere up high on the list – in the absolute non-negotiables – needs to be “someone who wants a person like me, just the way I am now.”

Put that up there, and then when he begins to demonstrate that he does not in fact want a person just like you, he immediately gets crossed off of YOUR list. That list is a hell of a lot more important than his.

I know it’s not easy when it’s someone you’re very attracted to, but it’s like it is with every other person you’ve crossed off for one deal-breaker or another. Sometimes you have to focus very hard on that one thing to squelch the other feelings you might have.

I’m curious to know what it is about this guy that makes him so uniquely remarkable as to merit such an emotional expenditure from you. What about him is so great that you should rewrite yourself to fit his preferences?

Interpersonal relationships can very easily become amplifiers for the insecurities we already have. If someone rejects me, it must be because there’s something wrong with me, right? Really, it’s the other way around. Those feelings of inadequacy already exist, and rejection can seem like proof that they’re correct. Target those feelings of inadequacy. Build yourself up. Then, when someone doesn’t like you, as inevitably happens, it won’t cut so deeply.

This is nice comfort talk but the truth is, in SOME aspects, some people are better than others. Needy, clingy, dependent, superficial, are not good enough compared to confident, independent, strong personality. This is a generic comment, I’m in no way suggesting that the poster falls into the first category.

I think even there you can run into problems, because one person’s “needy, clingy, dependent” partner can be another one’s “appreciative, attentive, devoted” partner. What one person considers superficial, another might consider refreshingly uncomplicated.

Likewise, confident could be arrogant, independent could be distant, and a strong personality could be loud and obnoxious.

For the OP, she should probably focus on exactly what coke said. Coke read the subtext of that question well. However, there are others out there that really need to consider what, if anything, they bring to the table. As a single woman mid thirties, I wish more hetero men would evaluate themselves this way. .. if only a little bit.

If you have the capacity, being able to take care of yourself financially so that someone else doesn’t have to take care of you is better. It has nothing to do with meaning, it has to do with responsibility. The nature of capitalism is that every second on this planet costs money.

There is quite a lot of work in this world that is unpaid that speaks volumes about resonsibility. Parenting comes to mind. But a single dude without kids living in his mom’s basement isn’t being responsible.

Whether I’m articulating it well or not, are you really gonna argue that some people aren’t leeches? That a dude playing Xbox in his mom’s basement and working part time at best buy while he pursues his art “career” that hasn’t gone anywhere in a decade is just…. someone else’s preference?

I know a lot of basement-dwellers from my teenage years.
To be honest most of them (if not all) are extremely lacking when it comes to how they present themselves so yeah I wouldn’t date any of them (I’m shallow like that).
However some of them are extremly gifted and amongst the most articulate, litterate people I know. I miss seeing those guys just because we had such enlightening discussions.
One of them launched and kept afloat amateur videogames in France for 15 years by just working on his game and launching demos once in a blue moon (if you’re familiar with tumblr maybe you remember the OFF craze back in the days. That’s because of him.) Now the guy is fugly and don’t take care of himself at all, but he’s maybe the nicest, brightest person I know.
Mostly they’re just misfits. And yeah, it takes a misfit to date another misfit. But is not being able to conform to society’s expectation an absolute dealbreaker ? I mean if you, yourself, want to succeed in the modern world, of course it is. But that doesn’t sound like an imperative to me. Call me cliché if you want but fitting the mold is so hard at times.

you’re missing the point. it’s not that you’re perfect the way you are, or that you have no undesirable qualities. it’s that you have your own inherent worth as a human being, and that if you want to change, you change for yourself.

Interesting. I’m always able to look at that as us both considering each other and if they decide to pass on me, they weren’t right for me either and on to the next. This actually is a good reflection for me to have on the romantic version of this. Romantically, when it gets to the point of hurting like OP seems to be writing about, I guess there is more skin in the game. So to speak!

If it is any consolation – you are not alone in this scenario. Whenever the thought crosses my mind, I stop for one whole minute (using a timer even), do a breathing exercise, and say out loud at the end, ‘good luck in your search for that purple unicorn’.

This answer cannot come at a better time at my life. He broke up with me a month ago and within a week he was seeing someone else. It has been a hard month. Off late, I find myself bursting into writing short prose (I am not sure what it can be called technically, but here it is). Here’s sharing what I wrote just today morning:

Just like that, as I walked about
The thought came unbidden
‘He has made his choice’
The finality of this
Unlocked my chest
And set my heart free

I’ve been struggling with this lately. My last boyfriend broke up with me to go back to the mother of his child (please note she and I didn’t overlap). He says he realized he was still in love with her (he wasn’t) and that she makes him happy (she doesn’t), but truly it seems to be about him choosing to be safe rather than risking stuff and working through them to be happy (he finally snapped when she announced she was taking him to court to define visits and child support). He’s back in the honeymoon stage with her, yet when I see him (we work together – another lesson learned the hard way) he still looks at me the same way he did before. It hurts and I’m upset that he chose the way he did, but slowly I am accepting that it never was about me. I was everything that he ever wanted until he chose differently, and it’s not my fault that he changed his mind. I know time will take care of the rest.

Giraffes, why be so pointlessly mean, why call names? Maybe Sat’s interpretation is exactly right, or maybe she’s a little bit in denial. Either way, it sounds like she’s trying to heal and learn from the experience and move on.

Love makes fools of us all, and like the old 70s song says, there’s no exception to the rule!

(Just looked up those lyrics to Everybody Plays the Fool, and although they may sound a little corny to those not in the throes of lovesickness, there’s wisdom in there for you, Sat. There’s a reason the song was a hit — twice.)

This is a condensed version of my learnings in therapy, what he’s said to me, and what friends of him have observed. If it helps to you, I left him alone as soon as he asked and we’ve only talked when needed and because we have to work together. Sorry your ex had a stalker, but that’s not me.

It can feel that way! But with so many people on earth, I think there are enough. It’s just that the mismatches gum up the works … And it can take a while to realize it’s a mismatch. And #notallmen, but some men (and women, but I wager in lesser proportion) do take a consumerist attitude and don’t think about what they bring to the table; run away from those individuals.

An example of this is what one man said while dumping me: “you know I really respect that you’re a feminist, and maybe this is sexist of me, but I guess I want someone who’s sweet and demure.”

W.t.f. Take a minute to check the definition of “demure” (as an adjective). Barf city!

I said, “actually you’re right, that is sexist.” Meanwhile I was thinking, Did you just join the Dugger family?? Needless to add, this was someone who presented himself as super liberal, well informed, was college educated, worked in the arts, went to cool music shows, etc; we’d been in a relationship for 4 years. His dumping me came shortly after joining a pentacostal (!) church, so I wonder if that played a role. He’d been “spiritual” before but unobtrusively so and unaffiliated. I had always been agnostic and frank about my skepticism.

Even though this was clear “thank you for your input, good bye!” material, I still felt bad, it was as if he had told me that I was not a kind person and also unfeminine in an off putting way. But I know I was very emotionally and intellectually supportive of him, and he always wanted to have sex with me, so …

Despite my rational brain, it hurt; still, whenever I needed to get angry to cauterize the wound I just turned my mind to “sweet and demure”!! Yuck!

Adding: Do not EVER directly or indirectly choose to earn less money to avoid “threatening” insecure men. At every stage of life women struggle to get paid as much as men; even an exceptional woman will be under rewarded over her lifespan compared to a mediocre man. For the sake of your future self and family, don’t leave money on the table, so to speak. And don’t downplay intelligence or competence either, because that may get you money, but even more important, it’s rewarding for its own sake and it will attract smart people to you romantically, platonically, & professionally.

Yes, I know you are all 100% right. However, at what point is it just not worth it, to have money but no love? It is part of what keeps the patriarchy in business, isn’t it? Punish the successful women in every way possible. On the flip side, I am sure there are plenty of quite decent guys who feel quite badly about their instincts here, who are in their own way harmed by this (for example, by not dating me, because I’m awesome 🙂

Well, then you get to he conclusion that who you are makes you unlovable. I have been down that path, too. I just have to accept at this point that nobody gets everything in life. It just wasn’t a trade off I realized I was making when I made it.

Believe it or not, many will find high-percentile intelligence and good earning power a “feature, not a bug.” Not everyone, but enough. You might be young, or you might not have found the right crowd.

E.g.: I grew up in a blue-collar small town, not politically conservative per se, but also not really ambitious or intellectual. Most people went to work, into the military, to community college, and for the minority who went to 4-year-college, it was the nearest state school to major in business, teaching or a paraprofessional health care field. Nothing wrong with that! Seriously, because from what I see on the BookFace, they are leading good lives. But if I’d had to find a relationship from among my high school classmates and similar, I might literally be a 40-year-old virgin still.

Even in a big city, you gotta find the right group. I can’t find the quote but to paraphrase, in _Death and Life … _ Jane Jacobs said she needed the whole of New York City to be able to find her few ideal companions.

Having said all that, it’s possible that you might have been Lisa Simpsoning for a long time and haven’t really developed your fun muscles. There might something slightly transgressive, non-achievement-based that you’d like to develop, e.g., playing in a band to tap into whatever music scenes are left in our gentrified cities.

Actually, I’m more the life of the party type. The overall package is a bit much for many guys.

I don’t really understand how snagging someone extraordinary adds to a woman’s self esteem and somehow diminishes a man’s self esteem. Of course it’s not totally universal, but the trends exist, even among supposedly feminist men.

I might have a slightly different take on the “sweet and demure” angle.

I am decidedly NOT sweet and demure. My conservative religious upbringing was unsuccessful at instilling that in me; it was more successful at just making me feel like I wasn’t feminine and men wouldn’t want me. I managed to get past a lot of that and found myself scoffing at my MIL’s pure dismay that I was so loud and opinionated. Her son seems to like it at least!

So trust me, I understand the impact of those words.

That said, I don’t think that all men who want “sweet and demure” are necessarily sexist for feeling that way (to be clear, they probably are, but just not necessarily). The difference is in who they’re directing that expectation towards. Do they feel that all women should be sweet and demure? Absolutely sexist. Do they feel that they’d be happier with a romantic partner with those qualities? Maybe sexist, maybe not.

Everyone has preferences about the kind of “energy” they find appealing in a partner, and this is true no matter what the gender. Some people are energized by others who are more bold and outspoken, and some are exhausted by it. Some find a quiet, sweet partner to be a comfort, and some are bored by it.

And it also depends on how it meshes with your own personality. I’m a passionate, dominant woman, and my husband is quiet and passive. If he had the same energy as me, we would be butting heads all the time. If I were as low-key as he is, we’d just sit around in bored silence all day. We offset each other well, as long as we both keep an eye on the power balance and make sure it’s an even playing field.

So I could possibly look past the horrendously worded “sweet and demure” coming from a man, but only if it’s intended in that extremely specific way and he doesn’t start expanding it into expectations about his partner’s intellect, ability in the workforce, or equality in making decisions in the relationship. And as long as he’s perfectly fine with other kinds of women in other areas of his life. As a test question, I’d ask that if he had a daughter, what qualities would he want her to have? If he says anything like “sweet and demure,” then he’s out!

Ms Rationally Strange, Thank you for you comment! It indeed triggered a lot of thinking for me, but I haven’t had the time/brainspace to commit it to type.

The type of yin/yang (if I’m using that concept right) that you & your husband have found is wonderful. I think my current partner & I are much better matched than Mr Sweet & Demure and I were, as well. Mr Sweet & Demure and I had an extremely passionate relationship, probably the best sex I’ll ever have chemistry-wise, but it was also high-conflict; we came from similarly dysfunctional families, so that was fantastic solidarity, but we also inadvertently pushed each others’ buttons a lot. While I’d like to think we were utterly special and unique, in some ways it was your classic mutually ambivalent attachment pattern. If he hadn’t decided religion was so important to him, we might have been a good candidate for couple’s counseling to learn better conflict-resolution skills and to learn how to not be codependent emotionally. Then again, probably life is easier and better in my current low-conflict relationship where we don’t share the exact same triggering insecurities, and we can instead be a good team and get on with life.

I could probably go on and on exploring this subject, but time for a snack! Thanks again for your comment.

I used to dumb myself down for the guys I dated to protect their egos and maintain the relationship. Trust me, you are way better off with a vibrator and your dignity than with a man who doesn’t respect you.

Sounds like someone needs a pat on the back and an evening spent with girlfriends and a bottle of rum to trash talk the ex and his new lady friend (yes I’m making assumptions about gender but fuck the hyper-PC ppl who don’t think a model of interaction involving only women shouldn’t be a possible model for everyone).
My advice isn’t healthy but it’s cathartic. I unfortunately didn’t realize how much my essential group of friends counted until I needed them.

Wish I had read this at 15. And 18. And 20. And 22. About the same fucking person. That I considered “my best friend.” I finally got there on my own, but yeah, this is a best of FOR SURE.

Thinking back on it, I did get a lot of slam poetry, creative writing scholarships, and personal writing out of it, though.
Like coke says about looking at old instas or FB, “it serves a purpose.”

K but also: Who says “I love you, but I just don’t want to fuck you?” A guy with secret porn folders who moved and still lives in Taiwan. Who loved anime. Who at one point told me he thought he might be gay. I didn’t want to see the signs… that he wasn’t into me. (To be fair he confused things by making out with me constantly, taking me to prom, using me as his emotional support when he moved away (and I enabled it bc I loved him)).

It’s cool. I still think he’s physically attractive. But I no longer take anything that happened between us personally. He prefers something else.

Also I think he wanted a Dom and at that time in my life I was very much submissive (still am, but with a boatload more awareness of it, that I get to enjoy the hell out of with my partner).

It also helps to think about preferences in general, and to realize that they’re at the same time arbitrary and immutable/valid.

For example, you probably also have things you want out of a boyfriend that are not strictly necessary for a healthy relationship, but that you also wouldn’t compromise on. You’ve probably (even unconsciously!) passed on lots of great people because while they were great, they didn’t have what you were looking for. Think about friends of whatever gender you’re attracted to whom you love, but you’d never date. And you’re not wrong for not wanting to date them. You’re completely correct, because even though they’re great, they don’t have what you want, so a romantic relationship with them would leave you feeling unsatisfied and them feeling unappreciated.

I know it’s really hard to think rationally when you’re heartbroken, but it can feel really liberating, and the energy it frees up can help you to move on.

What would you say to being a brown girl living in a white town, where “preferring something else” is what most men do? When I’m in towns like this, it’s like I’m invisible. Those who do approach think I’m a bit of exotic spice. In places like Toronto or New York or LA, there are more people who don’t (unconsciously or not) have “white” at the top of their list of preferences, and I’m related to like an actual viable quantity. I don’t feel ‘not good enough’; I feel like “98% of the men around me prefer something else.” Just knowing that it’s not about me doesn’t help. If you have thoughts about what mindset would help, I’m listening.

Coke, I know you’re not a guru or anything; it sounds as though you have about as much idea of how to psychologically steel oneself to try to love in an atmosphere of systemic racism as I do. My MO has been to be alone for the past decade, except for entanglements with faux allies whose fauxness took some time to figure out.

Maybe I’ll come up with some new strategy by trying to think what the idealized Coke would do in my situation. Feel free to help me vision.

Don’t steel yourself. Soften yourself. It’s the harder choice, because often people confuse softening themselves with weakening themselves or compromising their dignity. That’s not what I mean. The trick to softening yourself is to radiate forgiveness. Let it flow out of you and wrap yourself in it like emotional kevlar. (Emotional kevlar is a helluva lot more comfortable to carry around that psychological steel.) Forgiveness is how you find love in an atmosphere of systemic racism, because it lets you separate a person’s humanity from their ignorance.

My choices are have the creative professor job I’ve worked the past decade to land in a white town, or be unemployed/wage slave in big city. So far I choose creative freedom, but there is a whole host of joy/community I have to trade for it.

I somehow managed to read the opposite of what you said by mistake and I agreed. I’ve always found joy in the big city, its grandeur. Urban landscapes make me feel small and safe.
Community can be harder to come by, and just like the city it shifts and changes.

I’m late to the party here, but isn’t an inherent degree of value judgment kind of fundamental in Every rejection? Whether it’s declining to do hand stuff with a stranger in public or leaving your spouse of 20 years, isn’t the intended party deeming the spurned party to be unworthy of their preferred degree of intimacy? Not every single last case; of course I’ve been on both ends of rejections that were in large part circumstantial, but even then, “You’re perfect, but I just can’t do long-distance” implies that you’d be More Perfect if only you lived a half mile away, and “you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, except for that husband that you won’t leave and I can’t share you with” implies that you’d be More Appealing if only you were More Available.
When someone says “I’m into something that you’re not offering me” isn’t that just spin for “I can do better”?
Obviously no one should ever internalize someone else’s judgement of their worth, but how is rejection (or acceptance, for that matter) not one person judging the worthiness of another?

I find it a defense mechanism. Especially after being told I’m beautiful and there are feelings for me, even love until I disagree with him or ask for something he’s not willing to give me. Then it becomes an excuse.