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BREAKING: Cubs Add 5,000 ‘Completely Obstructed’ Seats

In response to extensive market research, the Chicago Cubs announced today that they would expand the capacity of Wrigley Field by adding 5,000 seats in which it would be impossible to see the baseball field.

These seats—categorized as “completely obstructed”—would be located throughout the ballpark, behind bathroom walls, snack bars, and storage closets. Ticket prices would be dramatically lower than traditional “viewing seats,” starting at only $20.

“We asked customers what we could do to help them enjoy the Wrigley experience more,” said team chairman Tom Ricketts. “They said they wanted lower prices and they said they couldn’t stand watching the poor quality of baseball they’ve seen played in recent years. So, this solution addresses both their wishes. Not only are these seats inexpensive, there’s no possible way you’ll see any baseball. We guarantee it.”

The news from the Cubs follows last month’s report that the White Sox, in response to poor attendance, intended to ban fans completely from U.S. Cellular Field in 2013.

Cubs fans applauded the announcement of the new “completely obstructed” seats. “This is like a freaking dream come true,” said Tommy Bakelight, a 23-year-old Cubs fan and Wrigleyville resident. “I hope they have a lot of beer vendors working those sections because me and my bros are gonna keep ‘em busy.”

The Arizona Fall League, which holds forth in the Valley of the Sun, is baseball’s—and Arizona’s—best-kept secret, and persists in that distinction even though it’s regularly advertised as such. That’s just how Fred Klein likes it