How to be Handy in Bed (NSFW!)

I have a client we’ll call Francesca L’Amour. She’s been working my Married Sex Resuscitation Program and was kind enough to allow me to share her most recent story. She has given me creative license in terms of narration.

Hold on to your socks.

This is what happened when Francesca embarked upon my Art of the Perfect Handjob adventure:

I stared my husband’s penis right in the eye. We’d met before. Roughly twice a week over the course of seventeen years. But I had something new in mind.

Earlier in the day my life coach (yes, Shannon, it’s you) tasked me with giving my husband ‘manual pleasure’ since my vagina has been on strike.

I figured, despite a mild case of carpel tunnel and harbingers of arthritis in the third knuckle of my ring finger, that my hands could pinch-hit for my euphemistically titled Downtown Dining and Entertainment District.

I was ready to try Shannon’s recommended methods, aggregated from sites with names like GURL and BroBible and BarstoolSports.

“Wait, what?” my husband queried, his neck ratcheting his face into frame wearing an expression that can only be described as Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar realizing he’s on a planet made up entirely of tsunamis and one’s a comin’ in.

But before he could utter another word I commenced, treating his penis like a cow’s udder, both hands yanking and pulling one after another in a fashion that was supposed to replicate a ‘never-ending vagina’ capable of eighty pounds of kegeling pressure.

I heard sharp intakes of breath I mistook for shock and awe. Apparently they were just shock.

“Watch. Your. Grip.” He managed to say, his larynx emitting a death rattle.

I stopped instantly and regrouped.

“That’s okay. Let’s try the Twist and Shout.“

“That sounds alarming,” he complained.

The Twist and Shout requires that one hand maintain a firm grip on the base of the penis while the other hand bends and pulls it from side to side.

“No, no. For the love of God, no!” were the only sounds I heard this time. Maybe you shouldn’t bend a penis after the age of 50?

Finally I tried The Pepper Grinder.

This is where both hands grip the penis, one atop the other, and twist in opposing directions, in the waiter-patented ‘Would you like some ground pepper on your salad?’ technique.