Area Man Submits Bad Story

LOS ANGELES, CA- Local college dropout Merkin Muffley recently submitted a subpar erotic story to adult site Literotica.com, sources said.

"What a crock of shit," commented a site patron who chose to remain anonymous. "This is the most ridiculous story I've ever read."

Muffley's account, entitled Shine Some Sun Where The Sun Don't Shine, was approved and listed in the site's "Exhibitionist & Voyeur" category on Monday. "Say that five times fast," laughed the 24-year-old Muffley. The unemployed self-described "babe magnet" has been submitting works under the pen name "Big Daddy Long Cock" since November of 2006, and all twenty-six pieces (most of which involve chance sexual encounters) have been subject to the same ill-natured remarks.

"The spelling is a joke," observer Bill In Wichita declared. "The grammar is atrocious and there is not even the slightest hint of a real plot." "Seriously," agreed fellow Literotica enthusiast Felching Felicity. "When you can't even spell 'anal' properly, you've got problems." Other issues have been noted as well, for instance Tight Schoolgirl's revelation (found on the comment board for the submission Thumbsucker, which has a description reading "Oh you know what I'm talkin about") that Muffley's stories in general have the consistency of "bird shit", or Throbbing Balls's noting that one story in particular, the December 2006 effort A Mature Woman, contained a woman who was "seventy years old, for fuck's sake". On the same board, Intellectual Hottie gives nothing more than a simple plea: "Just stop writing already, please."

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The baffled Muffley dismissed such criticisms as "total bullshit". "My work is unappreciated," he countered irately. "They don't know [what] the fuck they're talking about. It's the same as at the fucking cafe, man." This comment is a reference to the Los Angeles college hot spot "Cafe Le Pretense", where Muffley has reportedly been spotted with relatively high frequence. The author admits to spending weekend evenings at the local coffee house, reciting poorly recieved original poetry. "He always comes down here and talks about how cool he is," alleged a witness. "Then he tries to bum twenty bucks off of you." Muffley's performances have usually been cut short by volleys of tomatoes in the past, which he credits as the origin of his strict salad diet.

"Man, whatever," he added, already at work on a new tale. The as yet untitled story is to feature a young man stealing undergarments from a woman with a "great rack", a description that Muffley is planning to withdraw (offering the explanation that "writing is about evolving, man") in favor of describing the woman as having "a pair of rockin' tits". The story is to be submitted in hopes of topping the site's chart for its "Fetish" category, an honor to which Muffley feels entitled. "It's about this chick who lives in an apartment complex down the street," the unemployed youth asserted. "In fact, most of my stories are about real things that happened to me." On the contrary, it is widely speculated that Muffley is devoid of sexual experience and he declined to address the issue when asked directly.

"Look, it doesn't matter," he diverted, though admitting to a less than healthy affinity for "waxing his carrot" while viewing online pornographic websites. "I conjure up images with descriptions, man. Descriptions, metaphors, and onomatowhatevers. I am an artist." His words were cut short by a high pitched voice announcing that "dinner" was "ready" (later identified as that of Sandy Muffley, the writer's maternal guardian), which resulted in a fit of expletives from the clearly vexed Muffley. After composing himself, he stated, "I really love my mom, you know? For real. She's the woman who gets me up in the morning". "I have to practically drag him out of bed around noon or one," Mrs. Muffley revealed, pleased to offer her viewpoint along with a mound of freshly baked cookies. "Otherwise he'll just sit at the computer all day. He needs to get a damn job, is what he needs to do."

Muffley was eager to display his sentiment of generally not giving a fuck about whatever the "mindless douchebags" had to say about his work, further announcing his intention to show them and everyone else. While it was unclear what exactly he intended to show, his determination was clear. "Just wait 'til I drop this next fucking story," he said. "They'll see."

Shine Some Sun Where The Sun Don't Shine has accrued but a single positive comment, which is suspected to have been left by Muffley himself. "Don't listen to these dolts," reads the nameless message, "They wouldn't know a good sex story if it bit em in the ass. This is brilliant." As of press time the story is yet to be formally reviewed.

Commentors on Muffley's long string of so-called "cheap stroke stories" were unavailable for comment on the Literotica author's charges of shit-talking.

-Ortolan Finistirre

The use of any real Literotica monikers or stories is entirely coincidental and unintentional.