A Romanian girl in London

Women, Sex, Strawberries

I like being a woman but I can’t tell why. We are so fucking weird. We might look cute in dresses, you might like our shiny hair and soft skin but you don’t wanna be in our head. There are days when I want out of my head as I just can’t take it anymore. If I want out, how can I blame a guy? How can I tell him he is so lucky to have me when I actually think of how much bad luck this guy must have, to bump into me, from all women. And no, I am not worse than other women. I am just more honest. We are a pain in the ass and we know it.

Out of my great honesty and by answering a few basic questions, I have decided to share some tips to help men understand women a little. No reward required. Just try to be a better man. If you can.

How do I get a woman?

First of all, make sure you can actually deal with a woman. I mean, if your mother is not the most important woman in your life anymore and you don’t cry at night if you don’t see her or talk to her for an entire day, you are good to go! Then find a girl you like and ask her out. If she says no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no. Many women think they are very interesting if they play hard to get. They like to be begged and when they eventually say yes, they will make you feel like they did you the greatest favour of all. Of course, there is another type of women, very straightforward, that don’t have time to lose with playing games, because they actually have a life, but you are more likely to have a beer with an alien than to meet a woman like that.

So, I am dating her, everything is going well, now what?

Now you are actually having a relationship. No, stop telling me you are just dating her. You are in a serious relationship since date number 3, maybe even earlier. If you are lucky, she is still at the wedding plans. But usually, at this point, she knows exactly the name of the three children you are about to have together and maybe she is looking for available preschools for the first one.If you want things to go well and have sex on daily basis here are few golden rules:

Celebrate all the first times, like first time you saw her, first time she saw you (it might not be the same date), first time you held hands, first time you saw her in that pink dress that you actually don’t remember but she doesn’t have to know about it, otherwise you are a disgusting pig, first time you saw her in the green dress that flattered her eyes which you don’t know what colour they are but she doesn’t have to know otherwise you are an insensitive jerk, first time you kissed, first time you had sex etc.

Sometimes she might yell at you louder than usual and the reasons might be more ridiculous than usual. Try to keep a calendar. If it happens like every 25-28 days, it’s PMS. Just ignore it. Feed her chocolate, don’t play along, don’t say “Yes, honey” at every yelling, thinking you will soften her, it will get her even worse. Just shut the fuck up or go on a business trip for a few days. And feed her chocolate. If it happens more often than every 25-28 days, man, you have a problem and I wouldn’t want to meet that bitch! Good luck.

You will continue checking out girls, it’s ok, she is checking out boys also. Do it in a very discreet way or you will start a tornado. Competition between girls is so tight, it’s a jungle out there. Don’t give her reasons to think she can’t keep up with her competitors.

If she seems mad, well she actually is. If you ask her what is wrong and she says it’s nothing, you might think it’s the end of the discussion. Well, no, it is just the beginning, and if you care, you will insist on finding what’s wrong and comforting her. Feed her chocolate and she will get better. Eventually.

How often is normal to have sex with my girlfriend?

Ask for it few times a day, like an animal. You might get some. When she is upset/sad/mad she just wants to be left alone. She will be upset/sad/mad many times a month so you never know when you will get it next time. Also take into consideration that time of the month when the candy store is closed for about a week. If you are blessed with a girlfriend with PMS (God forbid that), you will not dare to approach her for a few days before her period, if you approach her, it’s at your own risk, you have been warned! So, you technically have like two weeks a month when your girlfriend is good to go, but like I said, sometimes she might be tired, mad etc. Plus, when you do something wrong, and you will do that a lot, believe me, she will punish you by being unavailable for sex. Unbeatable woman logic!

What if my girlfriend is smarter than me?

You are screwed. Brains and PMS, not a good combination. Good luck with that. Anyway, if your girlfriend is smarter than you, either you are Brad Pitt, the younger version or you are amazing in bed or you have lots of money. Otherwise she is just average but you are stupider than average which makes her a genius and anyway, I wouldn’t want to see you horny. If you know what I mean. But you don’t. It’s ok. Moving on.

Now, I will disclose what women want in a man. All women will resent me for this, but I don’t mind, I never liked women much. So a man must be strong like a bear but soft like a teddy bear or like a soap bubble. He must be brave, must stand for his woman’s honour and fight all the jerks that offend her, even punch them. But at home he must be delicate like a silk tampon, talk softly and insert “I love you, baby” every two words. He must be gorgeous but if other women flirt with him and he doesn’t reply to them with “Meet my wonderful girlfriend” he is a filthy pig. He must be good in bed but not too often. Anyway, the sex part is tricky. If you want sex too often, you are an animal. If you don’t want sex often enough, you don’t love her anymore. As nobody actually defined the term “often”, you are on thin ice here. Just play it by the ear. If you are lucky you might figure it out. Write an article about it, if you do, pretty please. I bet your name will become a world wide famous brand beer so that everybody can honour you for your great achievements in “womanology”.