Monday, August 17, 2009

Team USA kicked off its Olympic orientation camp today in Woodridge, Ill. While the day included a practice that was open to the public, the first event was a private meeting between players and team management.

DGB spies were in attendance, and were able to obtain this top secret transcript of that meeting.

(Coach Ron Wilson blows a whistle and 35 players take a knee at center ice. Team USA General Manager Brian Burke steps forward to address the team.)

Brian Burke: I want to thank everyone for coming to our orientation camp. I'm just going to say a few quick words before I turn you over to Coach Wilson here. I want you all to know that it's an honor to be here today. We spent a lot of time deciding which players to invite, and you're here because we felt you were among the very best players that America has to... um... I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Jeremy Roenick: Hi guys!

Burke: Jeremy, we've been over this. You're not on the invite list.

Roenick: I just assumed that was an oversight.

Burke: You retired two weeks ago.

Roenick: Sure, but I figured I could still help out. You know, be a mentor to the younger guys, maybe get a little PP duty here and there. Definitely handle the post-game interviews, that kind of thing.

Burke: ...

Roenick: Please help me. If I'm not on TV for three straight days, I get the shakes.

Burke: Jeremy, no offence, but you're part of the old guard. The last thing Team USA needs is some pathetic relic from Nagano clogging up the roster.

Mike Modano: Um...

Burke: I mean sure, if you hadn't retired we'd probably have given you an invite. But that would have just been out of pity. Behind your back, we'd all have been laughing at you.

Modano: Seriously, does he know I can hear him?

Roenick: Please coach, there must be something you can do.

Burke: Sigh... OK, I'm sure we can work something out. Hey Mike, would you please take Jeremy out back and give him that special Team USA welcome we talked about?

Mike Komisarek: Sure thing, boss.

(Komisarek and Roenick skate off the ice together.)

Burke: They'll just be a minute.

(A loud gunshot can be heard in the background.)

Burke (under his breath): Truculence.

Komisarek (returning to the ice): He changed his mind, boss.

Burke: That's a shame. Anyways, here's Coach Wilson to say a few words.

Ron Wilson: Listen up, team. From this point forward, you are part of the ultimate competition in all of hockey. As a team, we need to be focused every single day. So Brian and I have put together an official team banner. Every day when you come to the rink, you'll see it hanging to remind you of what we're playing for.

Entire team: Yeah!

Wilson: One team! One goal! One ultimate prize!

Entire team: YEAH!

Wilson: Brian, unveil the banner!

(Brian Burke unveils a banner with the Olympic rings, the Team USA logo, and the words "GO FOR THE BRONZE")

Entire team: ...

Chris Drury: Um... coach?

Wilson: Yes Chris?

Drury: Shouldn't that say "Go for the gold"?

Wilson: Gold? Are you insane? Have you seen the Canadian and Russian rosters?

Burke (exaggerated Russian accent): And surely comrade, our Malkin/Ovechkin/Kovalchuk line will be no match for the shutdown pairing of Brooks Orpik and Paul Martin!

Wilson: HA HA HA!

Burke: HA HA HA!

Entire team: ...

Wilson: Seriously though, you guys are going to get slaughtered.

Burke: Annihilated.

Wilson: I mean, has anyone here ever even heard of Tom Gilbert?

Scott Gomez: Not me.

Brian Rafalski: Me neither.

Tom Gilbert: Me neither.

Wilson: To be honest, we were kind of humoring you with the whole "bronze" thing.

Burke: One final note. As you know, 23 players will make up the final Team USA roster. But if you don't make the team, remember, we still have space for three players on the taxi squad.

Phil Kessel: You mean the three guys that will take part in practice, watch from the pressbox, and be available in case of injury?

Burke: No. I mean the three guys who will be responsible for making sure Patrick Kane doesn't suckerpunch any more senior citizens.

Patrick Kane: That took a lot longer than I thought.

Entire team: (Nodding.)

(Burke sees somebody skating over to the group out of the corner of his eye.)

Burke: Oh lord... What are you doing here?

Dany Heatley: Hi guys!

Burke: Dany, I already talked to your agents about this. You don't play for Team USA.

Heatley: But I want to.

Burke: But you can't.

Heatley: But I want to.

Komisarek: Just say the word, boss.

Burke: Not yet. Look, Dany, what's the problem here? Why don't you want to play for Team Canada?

Heatley: I have my reasons. And to be honest, I don't think I have any obligation to share them. I understand the curiosity, but just like my situation with the Senators, there has to be a certain right to privacy. As a seven-year veteran I think I've earned at least that much. And any sort of unfounded speculation and gossip about my situation is wrong and, frankly, irresponsible.

Burke: You make a fair point.

Heatley: By the way, did any of you guys bring your fiances on the trip?