Wednesday, February 19, 2014

learning how to "live the question"

Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language.

Do not now look for the answers.

They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them.

It is a question of experiencing everything.

At present you need to live the question.

Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. "

"Letters to a Young Poet”

Rilke

Sometimes, you know before you know. The "future enters into you," long before you are ready to know it.

It started early Tuesday morning with the Glad Press-n-Seal wrap. Who knew the household item of saran wrap would be so instrumental to chemo patients?

I grasp the scissors awkwardly with my compression-gloved hand. The first square I cut, flips sticky side down on the counter. I grasp it quickly, but see the bread crumbs already globbed onto it, contaminating the side I need to affix over my port.

The next square I manage to place right side up, after I've carefully cut the perfect square. It isn't until I have it slapped over the glob of Lidocaine cream I've squirted onto my port,(which numbs my port before the big needle is inserted at infusion time), that I again discover I've got the wrong side facing up. So as I pull my hand away? I pull both the sticky wrap, with half the cream attached to it right off my chest and it dangles from my fingers- threatening now to glob onto my glove.

I hastily wash it off, not wanting my fingers to go numb from the cream, or to damage my glove.

Then I grab the scissors, cut the square again, and as I lean over assuring I have the right side ( I totally do this time- yay me!) , my necklace flops over and lands squarely in the middle of the exposed cream waiting for its shield in my hand.

What a ginormous mess! And I think… really? Is this how my day is going to go?

A ten-second task- turning into 10 minutes of floundering and mess.

But the sunshine streams. My nerves calm. I can do this.

It feels like light years since I've been at Roger Maris, and just like yesterday, all at once.

I get my labs drawn right away, and then settle in for the hour long wait till my appointment.

Right at 945, my pager goes off.

I don't wait long, once settled into exam room 7.

Dr. Panwalkar strides through the door and in two steps it seems, is sitting down already. He is all smiles and I've heard him say "Hi- how are you- I've got just two things."

I smile and say "okay," then await what he has to tell me.

He quickly unfolds a pathology report he has printed out and brought with him, and says,

"Here is the report on your ovaries."

"Here is where it mentions the cancer they found."

And here is where my world stops on a dime.

"Wh… wha… whatttt?" My face must be saying this, as I haven't uttered a word.

He blanches, "Oh, he says, Dr. Tinguely hasn't called you? She said she'd call."

I must be blankly, staring at him. I'm trying to read… and reeling… and still stuck on "what?"

He quietly says, "I'm sorry for saying it this way if you didn't know. I thought you knew."

The report, I see, mentions spots of cancer, the largest appearing about 12 mm, and blah, blah, blah. I stop trying to read.

I just feel stupid.

It has just never, ever occurred to me, that the cancer may spread to the outside of my ovaries. Why didn't I think that was possible?

Brain,

lungs,

bones,

liver…

the 4 places I know most breast metastases occur.

Why? Why didn't we see this? Oodles of scans- and it wasn't detected?

My mind is reeling.

Dr. Panwalkar is moving on with other topics, but my mind is stuck.

I'm trying to ask intelligent questions on the spot and not having very much luck… because the other side of me… is biting the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from crying.

Not sure why this one hits so hard. I'm usually a pro when its less than good news. And yet, usually, I know what may or may not be happening.

But this time?

How is it, I still don't know my cancer? Where is it at? How much? Should I be worried? Terrified? Scared out of my mind?

And I sit, stuck in numbness and inability to process much of anything. Dr. Panwalkar conducts a brief exam, and tells me we'll start the new drug, Anastrozole, or Arimidex- it will be the cheapest alternative to try first.

What?

This is the one he mentioned he would hold off on 6 weeks ago- the side effects of joint pain being too much for some and he didn't want to subject me to it before. He wanted to try Aromasin first. But Aromasin, I think is expensive. And I feel the weight of making choices based on what we can afford now, versus, what might be the best treatment choice at that time- despite the cost.

So I just nod and go along. And as I sit there he says- we'll just check your tumor markers and then I'll see you back here in 9 weeks.

Ohhhhhh.

6 weeks felt lengthy- now 9?

He asks if I have any more questions?

I feebly ask a rather incoherent question about why the PET scans didn't see the tumors on my ovaries? He says " they were not in a size range that PET scans can normally detect. Plus your abdomen has so much activity, its hard to decipher which is cancer, and which isn't."

"But we will do a scan within the next 6 months to see where you are at and we'll monitor your tumor markers."

And what are my tumor markers?

"Well they haven't come in from the lab yet."

(and as I type- still nothing showing up in my online Mychart account.)

Once again, he patiently asks if I have any more questions?

"So, if we didn't know there was cancer on my ovaries, then we also don't know if it might be on my uterus?"

He nods quietly… "and your other organs… yes."

But we won't scan for 6 months? Yep- mind still reeling.

He is standing now and ushering me out and I am ready to go.

"But I think Arimidex is going to be really good for you!" He is very enthusiastic when he says this- cheerful and bright.

Yet part of me wants to just keep on going, right down the hall, past the lobby, and right out the door.

I don't. I follow Dr. P to the infusion lobby and without having anything more to say- I turn to go find a chair. I feel his hand briefly touch my shoulder, and then hear his footsteps fall away behind me, as I feel the first tears start to fall and I fumble to find a chair.

Sarah Young…Jesus Calling…

You are feeling weighed down by a plethora of problems, both big and small. They seem to require more and more of your attention, but you must not give in to those demands.

When the difficulties... feel as if they are closing in on you, break free by spending quality time with Me. You need to remember I AM in all My Power and Glory.

Then humbly bring Me your prayers and petitions… you can learn to be joyful in Me, your Savior, even in the midst of adverse circumstances…

Tears, hot and wet, streaming down my cheeks. And I am praying ( for that's all I know to do) that you literally, palpably feel the love, presence,comfort and indescribable peace of God around and through you. Sending a long hug to you.

Well, this one did me in. If you felt stupid, so did I because I certainly didn't expect this for you either. And I am joining you in the tears. I'm also joining you in anger (?) at Dr. P. I can feel your confusion at his attitude and tone and treatment options, follow-up, etc.

I read a blog post the other day, which had absolutely nothing to do with cancer, by the way, and this sentence just kept repeating itself in my head, and I think this as a prayer is appropriate here. "keep on asking Him to display Himself to them in a way they can’t resist worshiping Him for" Many prayers, my friend.

Yes- I'm perplexed by Dr. P- I just couldn't get in tune with him as I usually do. But I often wonder what hard thing did he do just before my appointment? Or what difficult thing is facing in his next appt… what if he has a whole string of them? How does he get through those days? I think your quote is spot on and something to pray for sure- thank you for sharing that perspective- it certainly fits. Love to you today~

Oh MY! does it help to know..I have tears also running down my face? can I just sit by you and give you a huge huge hug!!! And yet...had you not had surgery...noone would know!!! and yet you pushed that..you new...or the lord new...and now "we know' and therefore..it can be addressed! That last part didn't just come from me...I had no thoughts of writing that...But in truth... I am thinking behind this shock and pain...is a blessing..the Lord new! and so it was time to go into surgery and...and...and...Breath my dear friend....I was in tears and it has turned to a smile...the Lord new!!! and he made sure everyone else did! there are reasons for all things...our prayers are for you to be cancer free... and the Lord new...something none of us did..not even the doc's...he brought you to this path..don't think more cancer..think less cancer (you had no clue there was more, now there is less...now they will watch and make sure if there is more..they can make it less) Oh Oh Oh am I making any sense at all??? I am just flooded with this feeling.."the Lord new..and he brought you to that place were help can be attained".

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'

prayers and love prayers and love and many more..prayers and love! always beautiful woman!

Oh Peggy Sue- you are so right- I have definitely thought the blessing is truly that the cancer was removed and all because I bled so much over Christmas and it came fully to our attention because of it… so many pieces fit… its true. I know I will get past the shock of it all and carry on as before. Thank you friend for pointing me in the right direction- love and blessings to you-

Vicky, I am not always here at your place, but you are ALWAYS in my prayers, every day! I continue to lift you up with all these precious prayer warriors of yours. The verse mentioned above, Isaiah 42:10 has always been one of my favorites. We will all hold hands in prayer with HIM and with you. Much love to you~

Kristin, I too, think of you so often and see your fb updates and have been so swept up with joy for your book and its wonderful reception. I am thinking I want to suggest it to my book club and read it and once I get my hands on it I want to blog about it. I'm so proud of you- your hard work and grace-filled dedication that knows no bounds. Sending love and blessings to you-

Oh Vicky! My heart is breaking right along with yours. Something that helps me, when I am going through a very rough time, is to say this every day. "I am strong. I have the favor of God. I can do all things through Christ."

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and He heard my cry."Psalm 40:1

Beautiful verses, and I am reading them again and taking strength. So thankful for your steadfast walk along side me Eileen- truly grateful for you and how you minister to me. Love and blessings to you~

Michelle- you have no idea how much I would love to jump at this offer- oh my. Just to be around you and the littles would make my day. I have such uncertainty that my lungs could handle flying… I have little fear of it and have always loved to fly… but altitude does affect my breathing… that is the biggest thing holding me back. But I am with Jackie- that is the sweetest offer and literally made me cry knowing all you are going through- hugs sweet sista of mine- thankful for you~

Cheyenne- loving you right back. So thankful for the feeling of reassurance I get when reading your words. He is here, has always been, and am being reminded to lean in more and make sure I keep Him at the center of it all. Blessings and love to you sweet one~

Libby- and Gabe- so sweet. I always feel that my story shouldn't diminish someone else's just because of what mine is. Yours is equally valid, causes you equal pain and discomfort and I never think mine is somehow bigger or worse, or what have you. Our struggle is the same and if we can see each other as that- as equals in having to go through the hard, then we can be there for each other. Thank you for your prayers, friend, and for showing up here.

My dear sweet friend,My first response, like you, is complete shock. Stunned. What the heck. Are you kidding me? No way!! This isn't fair. You have already been through so much.

And then, like so many others, tears started streaming down my face and I am holding back sobs. I so wish I could have been with you in that infusion room and held your hand.I am so sorry your surgeon didn't give you this news and that Dr. P didn't know so he could cushion his words.

At moments like this, filled with such disappointment and shock, I am honest with God about how I am mad and sad and scared all at once. He is the great comforter. He holds me in His mighty hand. I am asking Him to hold you now, sweet Vicky.

No matter the news, you are NOT alone. We are here with you, so willing to help carry this burden. Know that I will be calling all of my prayer warrior friends and asking them to please pray.

I love you to the moon and back. That will never change.Please, please let us know how we can support you right now, those near by and those of us close at heart, but miles away.

You are Linda- you are supporting me right now. I drink in your every word and feel them so deeply. You minister to me through your insight and experience and it means so much to me. I believe its a very special thing for me to be allowed to be so vulnerable- and feel so safe in doing so-knowing you all will be here to lift me up, time and again. Love you to the moon and all the way back~

You know, I read Jesus Calling this morning and thought of you - not really knowing yet what your news woudl be from your visit today. So hard to hear the news and still not know where things stand. I guess that is when we really need to surrender it all to Him!

Tiffany- sweet girl- how I've wondered how you are. Saw a post I need to come and check out- and I will soon. I also feel like this is a message to me to "draw nearer." I question if I've slipped out of surrender or maybe just not thought too much about it… hmmmm… always a work in progress. Love you- pray you are well, friend~

I have read your post 3 times. I just cannot believe the news you received. It was very unfortunate the Dr. T. hadn't called you yet, and that you were blindsided with the news. So many questions - things you should not have to worry about! I can't even find the words to adequately express how I'm feeling other than that my heart truly hurts for you! :(

I pray that you will feel the love and prayers being sent your way. Take care, dear Vicky!

Steph- the more I have thought, the less I have truly understood and so I am just going to work on moving forward. I know this will all be a blip on the radar sometime soon. Thank you for your sweet words and for walking along side of me through this all- that is truly what makes a difference for me. Thanks for all you do- love to you friend~

Dear Vicky~ You don't know me, but I have been a faithful fan of your blog for several years now! I am a military spouse, living overseas on a tiny island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It is so small and remote, we only receive U.S. mail once a week! Can you imagine? I just wanted you to know who I am because I feel like I know you so well. Sometimes this blog thing is just weird, isn't it? I have 4 kids, 2 daughters who recently graduated from college and are married, a son in college in Chicago, and a daughter still at home. She and I pray for you each morning. Even my older daughters know you and ask about you! Just thought it was high time to tell you, I think you are AMAZING, and you are an absolute inspiration to me. Look up the Azores sometime and know that prayers are being said for you from that little speck on the map! Best, Melinda

Melinda- oh how we delighted in reading your comment- I just love hearing from readers I haven't had the pleasure of hearing from before. My husband has actually heard of the island and I'll be off shortly to check it out myself. Oh, how it humbles me, to hear what faithful readers and prayer warriors you are for me and my little family. So thankful to hear from you Melinda- love and blessings to you and yours~

First, I need to say this was beautifully written. I've been reading your blog for so many years that I've seen the change in your writing style. My dear friend, cancer has taught you how to reach out to all of us. We feel your pain and your happiness by your words. Thank you for being so candid about your feelings. We all love you Vicky and we are all praying for you.

Lisa- that is a huge compliment to me- thank you for your thoughtfulness in expressing this to me. Thank YOU for allowing me to be so candid and to feel safe in doing so- it truly speaks volumes as to the blog readers I have who so faithfully read and support and encourage me. Blessings and love to you dear friend~

I am so angry right now. I know that I have no right to be.... but that doesn't stop the feelings that overcame me as I read about your appointment today. I don't even have anyone to be angry at. I am fist-balling angry, though. These feelings I have will pass, and I want you to know that in the good times, in the bad times, you have so many friends of the heart that are standing firm right here with you....through all of this. I read each comment of each blogging friend, and I know that there are hundreds more who read and don't comment. We are ALL here with you...beside you. I hope you feel each and every hug, prayer, tear, and smile that we share with you, my Sister.

Miss Jackie~ I do think anger is appropriate- absolutely. Whatever we feel is okay- its definitely stirred a well of emotion within me. And yes, "this too shall pass." I'm touched you feel so strongly and I know you bring me strength in all that you say, and do, and pray. Love to you sweet friend~

Vicky, this is an unhearable thing. How can you have been expected to hear it and process it and respond to it? I'm so terribly sorry this was delivered to you in such a way. Each word weighed so much and yet you had to bear up under it - all alone. My heart really does ache for that. I know Rick must work and can't be with you at all these appointments but with all your loving friends around, is there a way you can always have someone comforting and knowledgeable with you? Someone who doesn't hear this news from a first-person-this-is-happening-to-ME perspective and could be your brain and ears and voice in the moments when all of those are assaulted and cease to function to the level you want and need?

I have NO idea how you kept yourself from bursting into a million pieces and letting the tears flow but surely the prayers of those who love you and are reading and who care so much intervened on your behalf. And I know they will continue to. I just sent you a Facebook message before I read this and I feel like such a dolt to be chipper when you have fought these new battles of the body, mind, and spirit.

I am choosing to hold on to the fact that they removed your ovaries that had cancer on them and so that much cancer is now GONE from your body. I, along with you and probably everyone else here, want to know why it will be so long before they do a PET/CT scan again but I'm sure that will also be revealed by Dr. Panwalker. Praying this new medicine works well and without the side-effects and maybe the info I sent will offer even the tiniest tidbit of potential and possibility.

I wish I had words to describe my heart as I read your words. But I don't. Sending up prayers, sending visions and images of being hugged, held, embraced, healed, sustained, defended, and protected from fear. May God cause his face to shine upon you and give you peace - even in this storm, Vicky. Thinking of you, thanking God for you, loving you.........

Rick has had a horrible cold that settled in his ears, and sinuses, etc. He actually was at the doctor himself, or yes, he was due to travel out of town. He probably goes to well over half my appointments and makes sure I feel okay about going alone if he can't make it. I truly felt fine about going alone- I have many times. I'm equally surprised by my own strong reaction which isn't usual for me either. It felt a little like my first diagnoses again and maybe it just brought up some post-traumatic feelings I haven't really had in a long time? I don't know. The blessing is probably how I will get some time away again, and can grow strong in all the things that get me through… like all of you. Beyond grateful for your willingness to walk this crazy journey- through the hills and valleys- right alongside of me. Love you sweet friend~

I heard that shock in your post, Vicky, and it did seem like the beginning of your journey. I'm so sorry that Rick is so sick right now. His frustration at not being able to be with you at every appointment must be extremely hard on him as he is ALSO a mere mortal and also seeks to continue to provide for you all. And I know you lean heavily on God's grace and support to get you through when Rick can't be there. But maybe, just maybe, you have people who aren't wanting to invade your space but would jump at the chance to offer a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. Don't make me fly to Minnesota to boss you around, Vicky. :) You're majorly on my heart today. Love you and wishing I could hold you in a big, squishy hug.

Robyn....your words are wonderfully spoken. Love the fact that you say perfectly what my heart and mind are feeling. Looks like we need to get ourselves to Minnesota and find out what the holdup is with the upcoming scans. (Said with love in my heart for our friend, Vicky. )

I have to say that I have cried with you as I read this post. I am praying that you will feel surrounded by prayers, positive thoughts and cyber hugs that are coming your way. Your faith is such an inspiration...I cant even express how much it has influenced my life.

Jennifer- so grateful for your gracious and uplifting words. Wonderful to have you show up here and share your sweet words with me- and if some small thing I say or do touches someone else- then all of this is worth it to me. I pray I am living His purpose for my life...

It sounds weird Vicky… but this is an amazing post. I marvel at your ability to be you and bless so many others, in the midst of these very hard circumstances. Yes, do take some credit for that ;-)

I am sorry about all this devastating news. What can I say?Accept for encouragement that you are a blessing! I pray God is near to you and your family. Much much love.

And then on to you being a blessing. I am going through some tough times and then I also have heart's desires going unanswered. This post is blessing my heart, so much. It encourages me to have right focus, to remember, and have Jesus. It is a wonderful reminder and pain fades away for a few seconds. Thank you so much!

Again, I am sorry for your news! I really am. May God help you soar on wings of eagles.

Maddy Christine- the photos of the wedding you shared were so exquisite- you are doing some lovely work- you are truly talented and I am in awe of you. I am so sorry to hear your heart's desire has not come to fruition. Keep believing, listening, praying, sweet friend. I will pray that your burden lightens, that your faith stays strong, and that you can rest fully in Him Maddy Christine- love and blessings to you~

Vicky, I am praying God wraps you up so tight in his arms and His peace fills you up. I know I can't even fathom what you are going thru right now and my words probably fall flat, but I just keep you in my prayers. Love you lady. God bless.

Oh dear friend,I LOVE the pictures of Colton and Nolan with the home-made "luge" on the top of your new blog design. It put such a grin on my face. I'd title it..."Future Olympians...the Westra boys, Nolan and Colton"Loves and hugs to you, VickyLinda

I'm so blessed Linda- my blogging friend Karen is so talented in her design skills and is always offering to "freshen" things up with a new look from time to time. Rick's photos always delight me- and the boys- well- clearly I feel so blessed to be their mom. Love and hugs to you Linda~

You don't know me. I,m a complete stranger leaving in the UK and usually never leave any messages but I absolutely can't not leave one right now.I am so touched by your words and your story overwhelmed me. My heart goes out to you.I wish you everything.~With lots of love,Yas

Hello "I aim for Grace," what a beautiful way you've thought of to describe yourself. I'm sorry for crumbling you- and honored all at once that you showed up here to encourage and support me. Thankful for you~ blessings~

I'm sorry to hear your news! You have gone through so much! I read your posts regularly but sometimes I can't bring myself to comment because I don't know what to say. And, I cannot possibly write as eloquently as you do! Please know that you are always in my prayers -- I think of you throughout the day and offer up prayers! God is listening to all of our prayers for you!

Hi Genny- just the fact you read, and show up here, no matter the words, means so much to me- truly it touches me. Your prayers also mean so much to me- I am more and more convinced all of you and your words to Him on my behalf, have kept me going for so long now~ love to you~

Sweet Vicki; I am so sorry for this news and for your heart. Your posts come on my reader so I don't always read them on the day they are written. But this week, my heart has been heavy for you. You are in my prayers and on my heart as you process new news. Many are your Aaron and your Hur right now. Love and hugs to you

Vicky, I have wanted to share with you..a woman my sister knows...but I haven't.. I don't know how to get a hold of you in a personal way :) I just posted about her... fighting breast cancer for 13 years. stage IV for 10 years...still fighting... she has used many clinical trials and is very open....just like you... 10 years at stage IV... she is still fighting!!!! I had to share..she knows what I cannot know..and I wanted to connect you two!!! Love and hugs and prayers and LOVE!!!

Let me start with my email address: vwestra14@gmail.com Anytime, Peggy Sue, its on your heart to email me, please feel free to do so. I love hearing about your friends being what we call an "outlier"- she has surpassed what the statistics say she would be able to survive :) love that and would love to hear from/write to her :) much love and hugs and prayers for you too, friend~

Oh Vicky. This just takes my breath away. You are so loved and my arms are reaching to hug you clear over there. I sent you a little something in the mail. You are in my thoughts DAILY. I think of you as such a warrior and such a friend.

You are so sweet and encouraging- thankful for you Jennifer. So sweet- we will keep our eyes peeled for something in the box- Colton will for sure be on the look out for it :) I love reading your fb updates with the girls. I pray they are past their illnesses again and back doing what they love~ hugs and love to you friend~

Of course I'm behind on your blog...of course when this is so important I've missed it for days. I had to go back and reread it 3 times...I'm so so so sorry- really, there are no words. I find myself whispering Jesus...He knows. He sees. He is not surprised. love you dear sweet friend xo

Goodmorning Vicky, I have been thinking about you the last few days...and wanted you to know! In my mind, and heart. Sending sunshine thoughts your way...with prayers dripping from each ray of sunshine. May they enfold you! Hugs and much love!!!!

Minnesota.com

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About Me

I'm just a girl living the dream of being married to my superman, raising two active boys, and discovering more of who I am every day I am here. I'm currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer and learning how to expand my time, instead of worrying about extending it. So I am living my moments daily and blogging the whole crazy adventure.