The Long Road Back To Normal

June 22, 2011, I swallowed my last benzodiazepine…

a medication that I took only as prescribed by my doctor. It’s been a long and winding road to recovery. Although I still have some lingering symptoms, I lead a full and happy life. In fact, I’ve never been happier than I am right now. Whatever problems I had in my youth that prompted a doctor to prescribe a benzodiazepine are long gone. I’m not even remotely the person I used to be before my benzo or on my benzo, and I am incredibly grateful for the transformation.

You too will be happy when the dust settles and you feel you are finding your way to back to normal. It doesn’t happen overnight. The shifts that signal normalcy is returning are subtle. Our recovery from the damage a benzodiazepine causes is incredibly and painfully slow at times, with one step forward, five steps backwards.

Here’s what I know now, that I wish I knew in the thick of the fight.

My symptoms were not going to ruin my life forever. Sure, people who were farther along in the recovery process told me that I would heal, but I doubted it. I wish now that I had embraced the hope of recovery earlier in my journey. It would have saved me a great deal of suffering.

I wish I hadn’t talked about benzo withdrawal so much. Withdrawal took over every square inch of my thinking, feeling and behaving. I told anyone who would listen about my brain damage and the illness that it caused. All of that focusing on withdrawal only pushed people away from me and made me less able to see the reality that a.) I would heal and b.) I was healing. A good friend politely told me to shut up one day, and I took her words to heart. My relationships got better after that. I know now that focusing on the negative only feeds it and makes it grow, bigger and strongerr–not something you want to have happen.

I wish I had been kinder to myself. I pushed myself very hard, even creating a class on the neuroscience of creativity and teaching it at Stanford University way before I was healed. If I could have relaxed and trusted the healing process more, I may have turned a corner sooner than I did.

Looking back, I wish I had not tried to get people who didn’t understand benzo withdrawal to understand the reality I was forced to live in. It was wasted breath, time, and energy, and often resulted in me feeling very discouraged. So. Not. Worth. It.

If had to do benzo withdrawal over…wait…did I just write those words? God FORBID I ever see round two. (Actually, it would be round three. In my early 20’s I was given Valium as a muscle relaxant after spinal fusion that kept me in a body cast for 7 months. I went through withdrawal but had no idea what it was. Now, of course, I understand my poor health on all fronts was caused by the cold turkey off of the Valium.) If I had to do it over again, I’d spend less time online googling my symptoms or posting in groups or forums and I’d spend more time in my flower garden. I’d sit in the sun more, listen to the birds more, and I’d give thanks for my life more. Even in my broken, FUBAR life, I’d say humbly to God, “Thank you!” more and complain less.

I wish I had not spent as much time feeling sorry for myself as I did in the thick of the fight. It only brought me further down and didn’t solve one blessed thing. I can see that self-pity was a stumbling block to my healing.

We heal in tiny increments, over many days, months, even years.

it takes time to cobble yourself back together after the brain injury from a benzo. You have to be kind and compassionate with yourself as you slowly go forward. You may have forgotten who you were before withdrawal. I did. I felt eviscerated. Whoever I was before my brain fell apart in benzo withdrawal, I had no recollection of her. When I finally started to think, act, and feel, more like my prior self, I cried. I remember laying on the couch reading an email. I read it over and over because I liked the emotion it evoked. And then I remembered! I used to read emails repeatedly. sometimes. The memory was so poignant and powerful that I broke into deep guttural sobs. I had not known who I was for over two years and to suddenly catch a glimpse of “me” was overwhelming. Oh, that’s another thing I know now but wish that I knew in withdrawal: how to self-regulate even with a banged-up central nervous system.

It’s important to learn how to calm down our reactions to good and bad stress alike (eustress & distress). Of course, calming down when your GABA receptors have been damaged is a challenge. But we can find things that help. I gardened, almost every day. I also walked on the days I didn’t feel as if I was having a stroke or terribly weak and dizzy or in excruciating pain. I still garden and walk to help regulate when I am getting too stimulated from thoughts, feelings, actions, my environment, etc. I pray and meditate. I also find people to listen to and to serve. Getting out of my head and helping others is a sure-fire cure for many ailments.

As you come back to yourself, it may be unsettling. It was for me. I had to relearn who I had been and I had to create who I wanted myself to become. It wasn’t easy work and it wasn’t fun work. But it was work that was worth the effort.

There is life after benzo withdrawal.

Good life. Sweet life. Juicy life! It is waiting, just up ahead, for you. Don’t ever doubt it. Keep going. I know it’s a long and lonely road, but each step brings you closer to being whole and healed. You will get back to normal (whatever that is) and this detour down the rabbit-hole will be a distant memory. You’ll scamper off and you’ll slowly forget this challenging chapter. You’ll be so busy writing a new story, that you won’t have time to look back.

You are so very welcome. I want everyone to hold onto the knowledge that one day, their suffering will fade away and life will slowly, like a rising tide, fill in. All will be well. All IS well, even in benzo withdrawal.

Jerry
on October 4, 2016 at 8:39 pm

Jennifer you are an Angel ! Thank you for your wisdom and sharing light … The long road will be easier to traverse with this knowing . Bless you ! With Love & Gratitude, Jerry ( 🤣 7 months in GT )

James
on October 4, 2016 at 10:04 pm

Thank you for writing this piece. I am in early benzo withdrawal and so far the main withdrawal symptom has been mild insomnia. Like most psychiatrists, my doctor prescribed them for years on end like he was giving me boxes of Smarties.

I believe that benzos should be rescheduled so that they are only prescribed in hospitals for inpatients.

Gillian
on October 4, 2016 at 10:35 pm

Thank-you so much for sharing your experience.
It is every bit as you describe it. Would any of us taken these drugs if we knew the havoc and devastation they would create in our lives ? Mine were given in order to assist me to cope with invasive cancer. In some ways it has been worse to cope with the pain of withdrawal from Diazepam than the reason I took it in the first place. These drugs should be made illegal.

Jenn
on October 4, 2016 at 10:55 pm

I appreciate your post and the hope you offer us who are in the midst of pain. Accepting this process is very tough. At 9 months off I accept it. The damage to my nervous system makes it hard to believe I will be able to live life like you are, but you are proof. So I will cling to the hope as my symptoms worsen at this moment and thank you again for graciously posting this. God bless.

Charles
on October 4, 2016 at 11:09 pm

I can identify with a lot of what you have written. It is as if I have to relearn even how to speak. The difference I guess is I’m not as impatient about it as old me, whoever that was. Just trusting my body that it would lead me to the right direction eventually. Good to hear from you and thank you for this writing!

Diane
on October 5, 2016 at 8:29 am

Thank you Jenn….I am having a severe withdrawal and got this today unexpectedly. I hope it’s a sign of a turning point for me.

Brian Hughes
on October 5, 2016 at 8:38 am

Thanks so much Jennifer!! I’m 23 months off now and still waiting to feel normal again.. Thanks again for the reassurance!

Helen
on October 5, 2016 at 8:52 am

Just wanted you to know how grateful I am I found your website. It has helped me a lot as I don’t feel so misunderstood and lonely in what seems to be an ongoing uphill battle. Don’t think you blogged too much because it is those raw blog posts from earlier that I read that really helped. I also appreciate these newer posts too. Keep doing what you are doing. May God bless you for the unique work you have been called. Just wondering what are some of the symptoms you still experience? While some of my symptoms are gone, the tight band around my head and the loud buzzing in my head still bother me on a daily basis. Thanks in advance for responding!

Lauren O.
on October 5, 2016 at 10:16 am

Jennifer, Monday-morning quarterbacking is an option, but I for one believe you have little to regret during the course of your taper. The full expression of your experience, including your anger, helps rather than hinders others.

Fran Farber
on October 5, 2016 at 3:29 pm

Hi Jennifer. Thank you for taking the time out to write this encouraging post. I’m so happy that you are doing well. I am currently 21 months off (c/t from 5 mg of Valium) and I want everyone to know that I have healed and healing does really happen. I found my journal when I first c/t’d and I was in benzo hell. I could barely bring myself to read my journal because I didn’t want to remember all of the benzo suffering I endured however the future is so beautiful now. Healing is a beautiful thing!!

pil
on October 6, 2016 at 4:43 am

Am 27 month off and loosing hope that i will be myself again its pure hell on earth never thought i would be so ill this far out

Anonymous
on October 6, 2016 at 7:41 am

Thank-you Jennifer for a beautifully written hopeful post!

Carmel
on October 6, 2016 at 11:21 am

Dear Dr Jenn Do you still have your prayer garden it is two years ago today that I sent you my prayer for al of us I am still suffering physically nerve pain muscles spasms all over but specially feet inner vibrations and tinnitus butThank God good. Mentally Glad you’re your doing so well. best wishes from Ireland

Yes, I still have the prayer tree in my front yard. It is full with prayers and intentions from strangers and neighbors alike. I love looking out on it. It’s a trellis where people write and hang their prayers. I supply the cards with strings and the pen. I take it down when the winter rains start. I put it back up in the spring, when we go int our dry season.

Jenn, thank you so very much for sharing my our story an all the kind words of encouragement an the for being a lovInga caring person. That you ate an to take time to listen an to help others you are an inspiration to all who are suffering from the pain of benzo’s I have been off from them for 8 months I’m stillfacing the problems a the damage it has done to my body. I take beta blockers for me my racing an high heart rate I still am not able to do the things I once was abe to do. But I know that I have to be head strong an that God will heal me. Prayers all who are suffering an to those who are facing obstacles right now. God will turn your life into a great testimony and don’t give up hold on to God he will heal you mentally, physically an spiritualy. Through God all things are possible to those who believe God’s got this.:) ♡

Candice
on October 10, 2016 at 3:31 pm

I just googled benzo withdrawls and was led to your site. I am off benzos 6 months now, and since then, having suffered with symptoms like parkinsons, turrets, facial tics, chronic internal heat, insomnia, panic atttacks, on and on. I was convinced I had some terminal disease. After many tests, and much research, I realized it’s all benzo related. I’ve read over and over 18 months expected healing time, so I had ascribed to that expectation. After reading your post, I am no longer going to do that. I am also going to slow down my search for healing online, but live in the moment, improve my thoughts, get my body moving, and just breathe. Thanks for giving the best benzo advice I’ve found.

Lisa
on October 11, 2016 at 7:05 pm

Xo
Thank you my friend

Fran
on October 14, 2016 at 9:37 am

Everyone needs to read the book “Spark” by Dr. John Ratey. I was very fortunate to have talked to Dr. Ratey about the benefits of exercise and the brain while I was healing. When you exercise you release BDNF (brain derived neurotrophic factor) which is like a fertilizer. BDNF promotes neurogenesis and plasticity and it will expedite your healing. I worked out for 2 hours a day 7 days a week and I lifted weights. I am 100% confident this is what expedited my healing. Not everyone can work out while healing however if you can walk for even 20 minutes a day your brain will benefit from this.