From Glenn Schiller to Richard Wright

Sloth - part five

Schiller's toilet trauma – Hamburg, 1982

Glenn Schiller was not in Sven-Göran Eriksson's good books anyway, having forgotten to bring his boots for the away leg of IFK Gothenburg's 1982 Uefa Cup final against Hamburg. But things got worse when the substitute went to the toilet shortly before kick-off, and emerged to find the dressing-room empty and locked from the outside. "I was banging on the door, trying to get out, but nobody came and in the end I had to climb over the door," he said. "I was in there on my own for about 10 minutes. Just as I got out, Glenn Hysen was injured, and Svennis was asking everybody on the bench, 'Where's Schiller?' I was running round the track and was sent straight on." Gothenburg went on to complete a 3-0 aggregate victory. JW

Scotland's first World Cup debacle – Zurich, 1954

Scotland's World Cup debacle at Argentina '78 was undoubtedly their most infamous, but whether it was their most hapless is a moot point. At least Ally McLeod's men remembered to pack a training kit; in 1954 the SFA clean forgot, forcing the team to play practice games in borrowed multi-coloured shirts, unsure who was playing with who. It wasn't the only thing they forgot: ahead of their first game against Austria, Scotland had no pennant to exchange. The lack of professionalism showed on the pitch, where Scotland were thumped in their last game by reigning champions Uruguay. They did have one excuse for defeat that day: manager Andy Beattie's pre-match team-talk consisted of his resignation, fed up at the bum hands dealt him by the SFA committee. Scotland lost 7-0, still their record defeat in an international. SM

Sheffield Wednesday forget to enter – Sheffield, 1886

Sheffield Wednesday were one of the strongest clubs in the country in the 1880s, but their progress was interrupted by the threat of a split in 1886, when half the side threatened to defect to another local team. Their main grievance was that Wednesday were not playing in that year's FA Cup, then the only national competition. The reason they were not in the draw was simple: the club secretary plain forgot. MT

Wednesday's Christmas sacking – Sheffield, December 1973

Valentine's Day and Christmas Eve are, for most people, two of the happiest days in the calendar. Not for Derek Dooley they weren't, though. At the start of Valentine's Day 1953, the 23-year-old Sheffield Wednesday striker had scored 16 goals in his first 20 top-flight games. By the end of it, after a 50-50 challenge with Preston keeper George Thompson, his leg was broken. Gas gangrene set in, and four days later, in order to save Dooley's life, surgeons were forced to amputate. Dooley would become Wednesday manager 18 years later - only to fall out bitterly with the club he lost a leg for when they heartlessly sacked him two years later - on Christmas Eve. Dooley soon joined rivals United as commercial manager. SM

Sissoko's magic cap – Valencia, 2004

When Momo Sissoko missed a couple of Valencia training sessions he had a reasonable(ish) excuse - he'd been playing for Mali in their 1-0 loss to Kenya. A bit of digging revealed one small problem: the match had never taken place. TL

Spanish FA messes with schedules – Seville, 2006

In 2006, the Spanish Football Federation and La Liga handled the postponement of a washed-out Sevilla versus Barcelona match so ham-fistedly that they left everyone in the dark as to when the season would end, before extending it beyond Fifa's worldwide cut-off point, thus creating three final days and denying David Beckham the chance to join up with the England squad. They also hurriedly stuck week 11 in between weeks eight and nine because they never anticipated the national team needing a November World Cup play-off, changed the format of the Copa del Rey with the tournament already under way and simply shut the doors and hid under their desks when furious club chairmen came to complain. And, to cap it all, they poisoned half the Atlético Madrid squad when they spent a week's training and team-building at the Federation's City of Football HQ. SL

Sprake spills it – Anfield, 1967

Leeds goalkeeper Gary Sprake, the patron saint of blooper-video compilers, earned notoriety and an unfortunate nickname when his decision to abort a throw to his full-back ended with the ball being spooned accidentally over his shoulder and into the net in front of 30,000 people, and right in front of the Kop. "I just wanted to dig a hole and bury myself in it," he said. At half time a quick-witted DJ cued up Des O'Connor's hit Careless Hands - the phrase that stuck with Sprake for the rest of his career and eventually provided a title for his autobiography. SB

Swansea's Kenyans cowed by rain – The Vetch Field, 2001

Facing relegation, Swansea heeded the warnings of Uri Geller - whose nephew was playing for them at the time - that "evil influences" were at work in the stadium. The Swans brought in a circus troupe, the Kenyan Boys, to perform a dance to drive out the malignant forces. Unfortunately on the day the Africans were supposed to dance a more traditional Welsh curse struck - it poured down. The Kenyans refused to go out on the pitch. Swansea went down. HP

Tasmania go down (under) – Berlin, 1965-66

Long before Steve McClaren starred as the wally with the brolly, Tasmania 1900 Berlin became synonymous with over-promotion. They were moved up to the newly expanded Bundesliga from the second division in 1965 for political reasons - the German FA wanted a club from the capital following Hertha BSC's relegation for rules infringements. Germany's top flight never saw a worse side. Tasmania conceded the most goals (108), scored the fewest (15), and won the fewest points (8) and games (2). They are also record-holders for the worst turn-out - only 827 wanted to see their home game against Gladbach - and biggest ever home-defeat (0-9 v Meidericher SV). RH

Terry's fine mess – Esher, 2008

For most of us, parking tickets are a serious annoyance. To John Terry, who earns in the region of £135,000 a week at Chelsea, they are a minor irritant. Terry has had his fair share of injuries over the years, but he was fit and healthy in March 2008 when choosing to ignore a nearby 50p-an-hour car park to leave his black Bentley in a disabled bay outside Pizza Express in Esher. The centre-half dined inside with his wife, Toni, and one-year-old twins for around two hours before returning to his car, signing a few autographs and removing the £60 fine notice on the windscreen. He had earned £1,600 in the time he had taken eating, minus the cost of the meal. An apology was subsequently offered. DF

Trewick's Wall pass – Beijing, 1978

In 1978 West Bromwich Albion embarked on a tour of a China with a World in Action team in tow, and although some players were eager to support the initiative of the chairman, Bert Millichip, and become ambassadors for the English game, others were rather more keen on the traditional footballers' pursuits of booze and three-card brag. When the party was summoned from their Beijing hotel at dawn to tour the Great Wall, John Trewick was involved in a post-breakfast card school and declined the invitation with the memorable line: "Why? Once you have seen one wall you have seen them all." RB

Van Raavens' away goals lesson – Lisbon, 1971

After a 6-6 aggregate draw with Sporting Lisbon in the 1971-72 European Cup Winners' Cup, Rangers had only managed to score one of their penalties in the resulting shootout in Portugal. The dejected Glasgow giants were out in shameful fashion - or so they thought. Referee Laurens van Raavens had failed to apply the new away-goals rule brought in that season, and Rangers had scored three away goals in comparison to Lisbon's two at Ibrox! A Sunday Mail journalist rushed down from the stands to inform manager Willie Waddell, who in turn told the ref. Rangers were through - and went on to win the trophy, beating Dynamo Moscow 3-2 at the Nou Camp. SM

Wall says it with socks - London, 1919

As a player, Jimmy Hogan plied his trade for Burnley, Bolton, Fulham and Swindon as an inside forward in the early 1900s. He was interned in Austria for most of the first world war, though he was allowed to use his talents coaching in Hungary for a time. Then Hogan returned to England when the war ended. When he tried to claim compensation from a Football Association fund offering £200 to former players financially disadvantaged by the war, the FA secretary Frederick Wall instead gave him three pairs of socks, sneering that "the boys at the front were very glad of those". Hogan was furious to be branded a traitor, never forgave the FA and went on to work in central Europe, becoming probably the most influential coach there has ever been. JW

Wembley's white horse heroics – Wembley, 1923

No one worried too much in 1923 about such malarkey as dress rehearsals or safety assessments. The original Wembley stadium's first game was the FA Cup final. It was not an all-ticket affair, but even with a capacity of 127,000 at least twice as many people attempted to get in. By all accounts, most did gain access by some means or other, yet there was no disaster. Bolton's 2-0 win over West Ham, though, was only possible because hordes of spectators were cleared from the pitch by mounted police. PC George Scorey is remembered because his horse Billie was white. The policing was rather gentle. It would take riot shields and tear gas nowadays. KM

West skips game for sermon – Milan, 2002

Shortly before the World Cup in 2002, Taribo West was sacked by his club Kaiserslautern after skipping a game to attend his 28th birthday party. But if that conjures up images of orgiastic excess, think again: the party was a six-hour evangelical service featuring a guest sermon from Pastor Ayo Don-Dawodu, the preacher whose sermons had convinced West of his vocation as a priest. "I have always said that Taribo creates the miraculous through the ludicrous," Don-Dawodu said. HP

West Germany and Austria's "anschluss" – Gijón, 1982

It's the last game of the World Cup group stage in Spain, played one day after Algeria had beaten Chile 3-2. A narrow German win in Gijón over their neighbours would see both teams through. H orst Hrubesch duly scored the opener after 11 minutes, then the game simply stopped. Both sides were content to pass the ball back to the keeper and among themselves to run the clock down. This "non-aggression treaty" (defender Karl-Heinz Förster) was so blatant that the German TV commentator went on strike in the second half. His Austrian counterpart even asked viewers to switch off. Paul Breitner was unrepentant: "It's normal to see games out, we only started a little earlier." After this infamous game, mocked as El Anschluss in the Spanish press, Fifa decreed that the final fixtures of the group stage had to kick-off simultaneously. RH

Wilkinson's Jimmy riddle – Sunderland, 2002

During his time at Leeds, Howard Wilkinson spent press conferences coming out with all manner of gnomic insights. On signing Rodney and Raymond Wallace from Southampton when it was clear that only Rod had much of a future as a top-flight player, he said: "It has never been my habit to come between twins." Because Leeds fans were grateful for his hard work in achieving promotion and then, thrillingly, the league title, he got away with most things until his muddled selection for a League Cup final drubbing by Aston Villa saw him getting canned off at Wembley. By the time he turned up at Sunderland in 2002 after six years with the FA, his reputation had deteriorated and every petulant outburst was seized upon with relish. After yet another defeat during his short reign he addressed the press's concerns about his team's form with lofty disdain. "What do you lot know anyway? How many caps have you won?" he asked. Jimmy Armfield, former Daily Express journalist, Five Live summariser, one of Wilkinson's predecessors at Elland Road and once the England captain, piped up: "Forty-three actually, Howard." RB

Wimbledon fans stay away – Selhurst Park, 1993

In January 1993, only 3,039 Wimbledon fans decided it was worthwhile to drag themselves along to a "home" Premier League match against Everton at Crystal Palace's Selhurst Park, used at the time by Wimbledon for home games. They saw two goals from Tony Cottee and one from Ian Snodin,before John Fashanu pulled one back for Wimbledon. It was graveyard shifts like this one that Pete Winkleman and company pointed to when campaigning for, and finally winning, a bitter battle to move the club 60 miles north to Milton Keynes. JJ

Wrexham's early start – Old Trafford, 1990

Under an absurd technicality, Uefa forced Wrexham to leave 24 hours before their 1990 second-round Cup Winners' Cup tie at Manchester United, even though the journey up the M56 only takes 40 minutes. SM

Wright's wrong turn – Stamford Bridge, 2006

It was at Everton, in a cup tie at Chelsea in 2006, that Richard Wright made his entry on to our list. He was warming up in front of the home supporters when he landed awkwardly and twisted his ankle. Nothing unusual there, except for the fact that what he landed on was a sign forbidding players to warm up in the goal area. WB

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