Thursday, December 10, 2009

Having It All: Long Time, Tall Order

Most scholars agree that human history can be divided into five epochs, which are usually represented as sections on the Dachshund of Time:

Each of these epochs is defined by certain technological advances and consequent shifts in behavior and human expression. The Stone Age was the time of the caveman, when people made crude paintings of bison, domesticated dinosaurs, propelled their cars with their feet, and generally lived life as it is depicted in "The Flinstones." Next came the Olden Days, when people traded their dinosaurs in for horses, went to the opera, wrote lengthy treatises with feathers, and made marble sculptures of fat naked people. The Olden Days eventually gave way to the Old School, which in a historical context is usually regarded as anytime between the invention of the internal combustion engine and the point at which beating children fell out of favor. Back in the Day is the period between the day you were born and 10 years ago (if you are less than 10 years old you are actually living Back in the Day, which is something of a temporal anomaly), and Right About Now is right about now.

Through the Olden Days, people generally took life as it came. If they were born poor, they stayed poor. If they got sick, they died. If someone told them to schlep big rocks and build a pyramid, they schlepped big rocks and built a pyramid. This changed in the Old School days. People who were born poor didn't want to stay that way, so they recorded hit singles and bought big cars with tail fins. If they didn't like their environments or moods, they changed them by purchasing new living room furniture and lava lamps and by dropping acid. If they didn't like being men, they had surgery and became women. It is this attitude with which we were raised Back in the Day, and it is what informs our behavior now. Children aren't stupid anymore; they have learning disabilities with long acronyms. We have our teeth made preternaturally white. If it's less than ideal it's not good enough, and if we can't change it then we change reality.

In some ways, this is good, and most of us would agree we're better off now than we were in the Stone Age, when disease and saber tooth tigers struck with alarming frequency. In other ways, though, it makes life even more difficult. Constantly striving for the ideal can be costly, both financially and spiritually. In strictly material terms, it means you can wind up spending almost endless amounts of money on almost nothing, since we feel like we should be able to Have it All. This it leads to the fundamental modern consumer's dilemma: If you settle for too little, you're a schmuck, but if you pay for too much, you're a sucker.

Consider the world of cycling. Back in the Day, people were willing to accept the fact that a dress shirt is simply not optimal cycling attire. If you were going to ride a bike, you wouldn't wear a dress shirt, but if you had to wear a dress shirt and you wanted to ride your bike you'd simply deal with it. You might even improve things a bit by riding a bicycle that afforded you a more upright position, or even by changing your shirt at work. However, if you're willing to spend $120 you no longer have to make these painful decisions, because Outlier have now invented something called the "pivot sleeve:"

Outlier calls this shirt an "experiment in form," and here it is in the lab:

Here's the thinking behind it:

The basic challenge was straightforward, when you lean forward on a bike a buttondown shirt stresses. It pulls uncomfortably taut across the shoulders. The sleeves pull up exposing your wrists to the cold, and the tails pull out of your pants, leaving you either untucked or with a blooming blouse of a shirt. Our solution is the patent-pending Pivot Sleeve, a completely reconstructed buttondown that retains the traditional look and feel of a dress shirt while working equally well both on and off the a bicycle.

This is indeed a brilliant solution to the rarefied problem of needing to ride a racing bicycle to a place where you need to wear a dress shirt. It's like the Henny Youngman joke about going to the doctor and telling him, "It hurts when I do this." ("Then don't do that.") If leaning forward on your bike stresses your dress shirt, maybe you shouldn't lean forward on your bike. But are you a schmuck for riding an upright commuter when you could be zipping around town on a road bike thanks to the miracle of the "pivot sleeve," or are you a sucker who's buying a special wardrobe just so you can ride the wrong bike? I'm not saying either is the case, but it's a uniquely Right About Now problem to have.

Another Right About Now problem is where to put your "essentials" when you ride. (Never mind what objects actually qualify as "essentials," which is another dilemma.) Fortunately, Rapha have come to the rescue with their "Essentials Case:"

Placing your essentials in a non-essential item like a $55 leather case may be ironic, but Rapha is promoting this as a "stocking stuffer" for the holiday season, and exchanging non-essential items with practical applications is what adult gift-giving is all about. While you probably wouldn't buy one for yourself, you'd probably appreciate it from somebody else. Also, gifts are exempt from the "Schmuck or Sucker?" dilemma--in fact this is the point of modern gift-giving. That said, while Right About Now this is an Essentials Case, what it really is is an Old School purse. Even in these enlightened times, the process of branding man-bags is a delicate one. If you call it a "purse" then men feel self-conscious, but if you call it something too masculine then it just sounds like a scrotum. (Think, well, man-bag.) So while "Essentials Case" may be a bit pretentious, it's at least somewhere between being feminine and scrotal--though it may lean just a bit towards the latter. ("All You Haters Suck My Essentials Case.")

Yes, in many ways cycling Right About Now is about never having to compromise, and this doesn't just apply to your clothes and your possessions. It also applies to your responsibilities. What if you have a dog who needs to be walked, but doing so will cut into your precious riding time? Well, a reader informs me that you can simply go to eBay and get one of these:

In the Olden Days our animals pulled us around, but now we pull them, and our parks and bike lanes are full of people exercising with their panting, miserable canine companions in tow. It's one thing to do this with the dog at your side, but it's another to relegate your pet to the back of the bike altogether, where you can't even check on it. With this device, you're flirting with a "National Lampoon's Vacation" scenario:

While you might not need two-inch heels or flatulence vents to ride your bike, you at least can't argue that they're there. However, if something actually says "Street Cred" on it then you can be sure it doesn't have it.

Right about now I recall that Back in the Day, in my Old Skool, that I learnt aboot the Olden Days of Stone age bicycling... back before gears were even invented and there wasn't even any Hollywood (or Portland, for that matter)

is the street cred a 650? oh and check out what they do in snowwy lands

"Skijoring is a cross between dog sledding and cross country skiing. A dog pulls a skier, who, depending on the terrain, either skis along or brakes. Any dog over 30 lbs can skijor, but it may be hard to find a proper harness for a dog less than 40 lbs. Thick fur and ice resistant pads are important, especially when bushwhacking."

oh and what better stocking stuffer than tubes? sheesh you could even be real loving and get them tubes with removable valve cores and put some sealent in them too, various sizes, stem lengths, etc. and then fill the whole stocking with baby powder at the end or get lots of different colored patterned bar tape and give everyone a mismatched set.. seat covers of course are always nice, and helmet covers too, and chain condoms

We willingly shell out hundreds to shave a few grams of weight off our bikes, then we're gonna put on a Rapha nutsack made out of leather? Why do jerseys have pockets, anyways? Why do so many non-messengers own Chrome bags? Isn't the saddlebag the ultimate Fred accessory? And if you're gonna sport one, wouldn't you want it to be made out of dernier nylon to save weight?

Nice opening paragraph, but ripping on dumb bike products is getting thin. Maybe it's time to branch out and re-title the blog, "NYC Snob"?

I guess this is the intersection of having a "product" that pillories products -- all of a sudden you've turned your talent into a commodity that has to be stamped out like donuts, or widgets. Ah, success can be painful.

wiwm - You struck a nerve with the Chrome comment. I keep reading here and elsewhere about how all these non messengers have messenger bags they don't need, etc etc. Some things are just a good idea, and as a commuter who sports a messenger bag, I am utterly clueless why it is wrong for me to use one to transport clothes, etc, every day. What would you have me use instead?

flaco - I also thought it was a pretty stupid comment. I've had one for about 6 years and have used it everywhere, including flying on an airplane and taking the bus to work. Flaco is obviously a diehard messenger who wouldn't be caught dead without the "proof" that he is.

I suppose if you were to use a Chrome laptop case you had better be an IT expert/professional, or face his disdain for being such a poser.

I gotta say, as a vet, there are 3 types of dog injuries I see the most:

1. Dogs eating poisonous substances2. Face/Snout/Eye injuries because irresponsible owners let their dogs hang their heads out of their car window (DO NOT DO THIS PEOPLE)3. Sprained joints w/ related cardiovascular injuries because people either cycle or roller blade with their dogs.

People...These are domesticated animals that cannot think for themselves, and, you remove some of the instinctive patterns (like stopping for water, or, even just resting) when you take your animal out in this sort of exercise "routine". Not only is it dangerous to those around you (you're looking ahead...not at the animal), but, even more for the animal. This is definitely bad for them.

"essentials bag" = dandy sack?Anyone commuting on a high end road bike likely also has a number of cycling jerseys and jackets. Or at least has a place to change into a dress shirt at the office. So the point of the pivot arm shirt is? Oh yes, pretentious preening. Now I remember.

@ Test TickleI suppose if you were to use a Chrome laptop case you had better be an IT expert/professional, or face his disdain for being such a poser.

You sure they're not mutually exclusive!? I mean a messenger/hipster would rather be caught with an empty Chrome Bag, then, heaven forbid they actually have a job! If the Hasid's have their way in Williamsburg, they might rally to next to get security checkpoints set up along the way, like in Gaza or something. the great Hipster silk route would be backed up as hipsters try to remove any sort of dignifying non-street cred items from their chrome laptop bags, so, that when they approach the checkpoint and are forced to "empty the contents of their bags", they would have nothing but papers and cigarette butts in it. The loss of street cred would be mortifying. It would be like JFK during xmas travel!

Reminds me of the one about the Russian yuppies from back in the day. One says to the other, "Check out my new tie. Fifty bucks in Paris!" His friend snorts and says "Ha! I bought the same tie in London, and paid $80."

What strikes me about this post is that beyond the profound history lesson in ironic economics, which I do find hilarious, it is actually just another one of the ubiquitous "gift ideas for (the biker in the family)" lists. It seems to me BSNYC must spend half his time pondering the meaning of life, and the other half surfing the internet for gimmicky bike crap. No wonder he is so critical and grouchy all the time.

Begging to differ with 1:55, the post is astute and well expressed criticism, and a delight to read. Who else would relate the whole arc of human history to a few of the latest cycling products, and do so with such mordant wit?

Such posts are the antithesis of a commodity. They are the carefully crafted expressions of an thoughtful individual. And they are free to you, the reader.

But I must stop typing this sycophancy. When I type my wrists stick out of my shirtcuffs and get cold.

Back in the day, we would surf in the winter when the waves were much better, but we had to wear wetsuits. We also would over indulge in things like cheap beer and microwave burritos (non-epic) from the convenience stores near our favorite breaks (brakes?). I, for one, would have loved the 'exhaust' option given that gas, when released into a liquid, will genrally bubble to the top.

Flaco (and TT), you missed my point. I was not criticizing Chrome bags: I own one myself. My point was that the on-the-bike behind-the-saddle bag is generally a badge of Fred-dom. Roadies use jersey pockets, and others use messenger bags or backpacks; all are better alternatives to getting your stuff stolen while your bike is unattended. I was amused that Rapha would glamorize (and overprice and weigh down in the process) a "disfavored" accessory. I hear that next, they are doing a collabo with Dolce abd Gabbana for a line of designer helmet mirrors.

In that case, I redirect my ire to anon 2:22, who makes the argument I thought WIWM making, and that people often make of people using oversize messenger bags as accessories. Mine is often empty, and then I run errands and fill it. That's why I brought it. I don't think people are generally carrying them to look cool.

I have to admit that I am a poser with my Chrome messenger bag. Last time I flew, I decided to use my Chrome bag as a laptop sleeve. When I took it out of the overhead bin at the conclusion of the flight, I smacked some guy in the side of the head with the buckle. Oh well, at least I don't fly-fish.

WIWM,I'm proud to be poser, I own a pair of the Swerve jeans, I bought them back in the day...before the NYT breaking story. If anyone asks I lie and say that I bought them a Performance Bikes clearance.

i love my saddle bag. it allows me to always have what i need to fix a flat with me without ever having to find, then stuff in my pockets, my tire changing necessities before every ride. it's also a convenient spot to attach (and leave) my tail light. what if i ride another bike you say? well, the other bike also has a fully furnished saddle sac, so i'm covered.

that "street cred" bike is nothing but an "alpha," a fixed-gear machine whose reputation for shittiness doesn't seem to have made it out of philly (unlike the philadelphia eagles, whose reputation for shittiness is known worldwide). to be fair, the original frame designer is a very nice man, but i guess that crazy canuck guy who actually had them shittily fabricated (in china) sold the rights to the design. luckily because of the frame shape you can spot them from very far away and adjust your travel plans accordingly.

Very funny post as usual. For many situations though I don't believe that the simple rule of, if you don't like it, don't do it, applies. Throughout our existence we've been engineering (things like bikes) to make tasks we don't like more agreeable. In the "olden days" before the bike was invented (assuming you didn't have a horse) and you wanted to take a trip it was a pain to get anywhere. To just not do it is a pretty sad answer. Instead the bike was invented to make getting somewhere less of a pain. I can't speak for outlier shirt, but if it solves a problem so you CAN ride any bike to work with a dress shirt a less shitty experience then great. Apply this to any product. That said, if it doesn't work or the cost makes it a pain then the product is a failure.

I have had a Stret Cred for about 6 months now-great bike for waaay less than $400 bucks. Beats the heck out of those Dawes,Windsors and SCs. Just don't compare it to more expensive bikes. I had an Alpha Mercury too(stolen) and and it is better than the old one. I wasn't meant for Bike Snobs I guess....

The bike was/is designed by guys that actually ride on the same crappy streets that I do. It handles well and is as smooth as was promised.So I guess the name is kinda valid.Who cares tho, a good bike at a great price besides they were smart/cool enough to have the decals put on after coating so I got em off and but a few of my own on.

I have to keep my lame saddlebag. Im so little, if I put the two tubes, the 2 co2 cylinders and gadget, my bike tool with my banana, the phone, my id and some fructose shots - in my jersey pocket - I look like I have a huge growth on my back.Also,how do guys ride with MBags? I tried once and the damn thing kept slewing under my arm, and hitting my knees. Must be made for you bigger genderways..

a dress shirt suitable for biking? What an incredible idea. now if the humanitarian/geniuses at Outlier could just find a solution to death and maiming by cab, stolen bikes and clueless pedestrians maybe people will put those biking dress shirts to good use and commute to work by bike. In the meantime you can just impress your friends by being a early adopter of this amazing cutting edge technology.

This post has one of the most pleasing introductions to anything I have ever read. I laughed out loud when I got to "consider the world of cycling", because I've never enjoyed doing so this much before.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!