Q: You get invited to an event on an old slave plantation. You feel uncomfortable and aren't going. Should you tell the host the real reason you won’t attend?

A: It’s so easy to wiggle out of an uncomfortable situation by — let’s call it what it is — lying. Responses like, “Oh, I have another engagement on that very day at that very time,” or, “I would love to attend at the plantation, but I will be traveling that day,” are neither truthful nor ethical.

Why lie? Are you afraid you’ll miss future invitations from this person, or that this person will think less of you? Do you think this person would be embarrassed if you tell the truth?

If the truth is that you are horrified at the thought of entering an old slave plantation, be honest without causing an affront to the host. Respond genuinely, keep it short and end on a pleasant note.

Suggested responses:

1. “No, thank you. Knowing the history of slavery makes visiting an old plantation not for me. Enjoy, and keep in touch afterward.”

A: Given the historical significance of plantations in America, it’s understandable that you find the event venue off-putting.

Considering that plans are underway, it’s best to decline the invitation without an explanation beyond your regrets that you’re unable to attend.

If a response card comes with the invitation, include a handwritten note saying, “Thank you for your kind invitation. Regretfully, I’m unable to attend the event. Sending best wishes for its success, and hope we can get together for dinner soon.”

Sharing your reason for not attending, without being asked, will surely make your host upset and likely damage your relationship.

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(Lauren Hill)

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