A blog written in the dead of night and delivered to you in a brown paper bag. It’s a cornucopia of tidbits, rants, and observations for the discerning eye. Good luck with all that. Now, for something completely different!

I love patriotism. A woman in Ashland Oregon plans to join their Fourth of July parade topless. If she’s not allowed she intends to sue the city. Yes she plans to have more than her Red, White and Blue showing this year. With some early fireworks she’s creating a preholiday controversy. Jen Moss has been known as “The Naked Lady” since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, Calif. She was drawn by the town’s nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts. I bet that’s one loophole they’re going to regret. The Ashland Chamber of Commerce learned of her coverage plans from an online posting. Ya gotta love the internet. She promised to lead in-line skaters “wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell.” That presents an intriquing image. “We don’t feel that someone in the parade who is topless or nearly naked is appropriate for a family audience,” said parade chairman James Kidd. “She’s welcome on any other day of the year to do that,” he said. “But not on the Fourth of July while in the parade.” Moss told the Ashland Daily Tidings in an e-mail that if she can’t be nearly naked in the parade, she would “run around near naked protesting their unconstitutionalism and un-Americanism.” And she said, she would ask the American Civil Liberties Union for help in a lawsuit. Good luck with all that. Apparently this woman didn’t get enough attention at home and is now seeking it elsewhere. Well, cover the kids eyes and hope for the best. And, maybe you need to rethink that ordinance.

DON’T MESS WITH THE LEMONADE STAND

There’s nothing like the smell of lemonade in the morning. A group of kids inTerra Haute, Indiana were running a lemonade stand when Steve Tryon showed up. “The guy came up and was, like, ‘Give me your money,'” said Dominique Morefield, who was running the lemonade stand with a group of friends. “I was shocked. It was just my immediate reaction to chase after him.” And Chase after him she did. This is one little girl you do not want to mess with. She actually followed him into a house and then called the cops. Officers eventually persuaded Tryon, 18, to come outside after 45 minutes and arrested him on a preliminary felony charge of robbery of $17.50. “I didn’t think anyone would come up to a lemonade stand and steal, that’s really low,” 12-year-old Fred Erstine said. Well Fred, the world is full of all kinds of morons. The kids say they will continue to sell lemonade, but now they are using a parent for a security guard. Don’t mes with the lemonade kids, they’ll bust your butt.

CELIBATE MONK SETS UP SEX ADVICE SITE

I’m not sure how well this will work, but a celibate monk has set up a website giving sex advice to Catholic couples. Go figure. Father Ksawery Knotz’s lover’s guide on http://www.szansaspotkania.net gives graphic lovemaking tips and has been dubbed the “Catholic Kama Sutra.” It compares having an orgasm to going to heaven and recommends that men “take care that women experience pleasure” during sex, adding that this requires “extra efforts on the part of the husband.” Really, well there’s a brilliant bit of advice. It just seems a little dumb to me to be taking sex advice from someone who suppossedly has never had it. It just goes to show that anyone can be an expert on anything on the internet these days.

ESCAPED CROOK ASKS POLICE TO REMOVE HANDCUFFS

Here’s a bright move. A man and his three friends break into a supermarket and are caught by the security guard. One of them is caught and handcuffed to a rail while the guard goes after the other three. The man then escapes. Everything would have been fine if would have left it there, but no, what does he do? He goes to the local precinct house and asks the police to remove the cuffs. “It was stupid of him,” said a police spokesman in Frankfurt, Germany on Monday. “They took the cuffs off, but they kept him.” The security guard had called the local police so they were aware of the escaped burglar. The cuffed man tried to convince police that a friend had put the cuffs on as a joke and now they couldn’t get them off. The police removed the handcuffs and then reunited him with his friends. Somtimes, you just have to wonder what goes through peoples’ heads. Near as I can tell, absolutely nothing.