Thursday, 2 July 2009

Space Booze Is The Best Booze

Thinking back to my weekend in Sheffield, and specifically Mozz and myself attempting to try every single cocktail available in Wetherspoons (ably assisted by our glamorous assistants, natch), it occurs to me that we missed a trick by not at least attempting to come up with some sci-fi themed cocktails (Hell, nothing could be worse than the “cranberry chiller”, or whatever the Hell it was called).

1. Put on maudlin, emotionally-manipulative music on your CD player;2. Turn up the volume to the extent that all conversation is impossible;3. Drink cocktail whilst making puppy-dog eyes at women who are far, far too young for you. Pretend this is in some way emotionally deep, rather than incredibly disturbing;4. Save the world essentially at random thirty seconds before the bar closes. Order another cocktail, and start up with the pining/perving again;5. Win a BAFTA, because people are idiots.

1. Mix ingredients together, adding worm last;2. Use hob to evaporate cocktail in its entirety;3. Eat the worm;4. Turn into a crazy super-powered prophet-God;5. Be shit for at least three books;6. Get Kevin J. Anderson to make the next cocktail. Tell him he’s mixing it all wrong.

Harvey Dent Wallbanger

Ingredients:

-3oz vodka

-1oz Vanilla galliano

-6oz orange juice

-10oz sulphuric acid

-two identical glasses.

Instructions:

1. Mix a Harvey Wallbanger in one glass;2. Fill the second glass with the acid;3. Decide which to drink via a coin toss.

Dr Manhattan

Ingredients:

-5oz rye whiskey

-2oz sweet red vermouth.

-Angostura bitters (dash)

-Maraschino cherry

-giant blue radioactive cock.

Instructions:

1. Mix all ingredients together, garnishing with the cherry and the giant blue radioactive cock;2. Drink before you have a change to think about what you’re doing;3. Attempt to remove the floppy glow-in-the-dark phallus from your throat without choking to death;4. Complain that only Alan Moore truly understands this cocktail, and all other versions are shit.

Long-Dong Island Ice Tea

Ingredients:

-1oz vodka-1oz gin-1oz tequila-1oz rum

-1oz triple sec

-1 ½oz sour mix

-coke (dash)-giant blue radioactive cock.

Instructions:

As above, but ensure the huge blue irradiated dick is entirely erect before consuming.