July 17, 2017

This Is What Happen When You Have Artificial Life

"A negative mind will never give you a positive life.""Sometimes you just need to distance yourself to see things clearly."

These past weeks, I've been living a very dark life. There were no nights where I don't have nightmares. I couldn't eat anything without vomiting. In short, I was depressed.

Up to this very second, I still haven't known the reasons, but I did feel very anxious and stressed.

Then I learned a lot about how to deal with negativity, how to surround myself with only positive aura, and how to maintain the good vibes. It takes a while til it came to my realization that I've been living quite a fake life most of these times. And it's like toxic; spreading to my whole system and will end up killing me. I think I need fresh air!

"I been doing a good job of makin' 'em think I'm quite alright. Better hope I don't blink. You see, it's easy when I'm stomping on a beat. But no one sees me when I crawl back underneath. And if I go out tonight, dress up my fears, you think I look alright with these mascara tears? See, I'm gonna draw up my lipstick wider than my mouth. And if the lights are low they'll never see me frown. Oh please, don't ask me how I've been. Don't make me play pretend. Oh, what's the use? Oh please, I bet everybody here is fake happy too. Hey, if I smile with my teeth, bet you believe me; I think I believe me." - Paramore, Fake Happy

It's tiring to live day by day faking my happiness. And to make it even worse, the happiness standard is not even based on mine, but on the society's. Scrolling to my Instagram timeline just to see those people I don't know shared their #OOTD while holding a cup of coffee from the just-opened aesthetic cafe is definitely not adding any value to my life. It's like what we do nowadays are plotted and directed to be THAT way. Again, according to society's standard. Negativity is all around me. And I don't want it.

Who the hell are we actually trying to please? Why constantly check our Instagram just to see how many likes we got? Why setting thousands followers as our goals? I think they are all artificial. Who are the judges anyway?

So, here I am having courage to finally be able to step up my game. I have to go out of my comfort zone; a zone where I followed the society's rules just to be accepted. I need to just be myself and close my ears to other people's opinion. Peer pressure is more suitable for teenagers anyway, not for a 25++ year old like me! For god sake! But hell that's definitely not easy.

Let's make a change in life!

At the beginning, I actually planned to take a social media break. But then I realized, I'm still hooman with social needs, and I'm not (yet) capable to totally let go of my social media activities completely. So I came up with an alternative (of course after consulting with my 'Marjorie' (you should watch Moms btw, it's so funny!)) to create another Instagram account which will only consist of all the postivities! Close friends only, no those so-called selebgrams, no poeple-I-follow-just-because-she-followed-me-first, no irrelevant people! Now I don't need to think twice before posting anything on my own goddamn Instagram just because I'm scared of what others might judge. Such a relief! I know you guys won't understand. I know some of you even laughed at me. But one thing I know for sure is that I'm doing this whole positivity thingy for my self. I need to respect myself more. And that's the least I can do now to TRY to make everything better. Because at the end of the day, all I have is myself. So I gotta prioritize myself first. In my opinion, sometimes it's really okay to feed your ego. Because hey, it's our own happiness. No matter what we do, people will always have something to talk about us. And I choose not to listen to those BS anymore. I choose not to give a fuck about things that are not important for me.

As time goes by, I have learned that I don't need to be friends with everybody. I just need to be close with few of them who I found comfort in; who I can relate to; who give positive vibes instead of negativity. That's why I have decided to keep my circle small from now on (for both real life & Instagram life). For me, this is what I called selflove. I will only hang out with people who is chill enough to appreciate my the way I am. I have learned that I don't need to live according to peoples standard. I don't need to explain everything to everyone. I don't want to hear any judgmental and off comments about how I live my life. That's why I pulled myself out of those kind of people; those who criticize without knowing the real shit.

Like what they said, you only know my name. Not my story. You only see what I choose to show. Not my real life situation. I don't want to give more fucks to those kind of irrelevant people #IDGAF

It's been more or less a week since I started this 'new life' and I'm actually feeling awesome! Just so you know, I followed almost 900 people on my old Instagram. And my new account only has like 50++ high-quality real friends on my following list. I wonder how much times I have wasted before just to see those 850 people updating their life which are super irrelevant to me. Haha.

Keeping my circle small, my life has been lighter and brighter ever since. Such a happy life!!!

I know I can be inconsistent as usual, but at least this will do for now. For the sake of my sanity.