October 5, 2007

senator larry craig: the misunderstood asshat

Profession(s): Senior Senator (R-Idaho) since ’91; rancher of ambiguous sexual orientation and embarrassment to the GOPDemonstration of asshattery: Larry Craig’s not necessarily an asshat for cruising (or at least attempt to) in a Minneapolis airport bathroom. He’s an idiot for getting caught, but the reason why he’s a complete DUNCE is his unconvincing waffling. He won’t stop waffling!

Let’s establish a time line, shall we? No? Oh well.

6/11/2007: Sen. Craig is arrested in a bathroom sex sting operation. A ‘sting’ makes it sound so deliciously sinister. In reality, some poor, doughy schmuck drew the short straw and had to hang around by the urinals until he got fondled.

7/2/2007: Craig is charged with disorderly conduct (a misdemeanor) and interference with privacy (a gross demeanor). All this legalese makes my head hurt.

8/1/2007: Craig signs a written guilty plea to the disorderly conduct charge; the other charge is dropped.

8/27/2007: A Capitol Hill newspaper reports on Craig’s arrest, who claims the police distorted what actually took place. He just wanted to pee!

9/1/2007: Craig announces he plans to resign by September 30. Plans to. He also suggests that he may remain in the Senate if he can manage to reverse his guilty plea. Mild waffling begins.

9/10/2007: Craig files a motion to withdraw his guilty plea, claiming he only plead guilty because he was flustered. Waffling blossoms into flip-flopping.

9/26/2007: Hennepin County (Minnesota) Judge Charles Porter hears arguments. Says he will not rule immediately. Craig then announces that he will remain in Congress for the time being. He makes no mention of his initial plan to resign by Sept. 30.

10/4/2007: Judge Porter’s all, “lol, you’re shitting me!” and denies Craig’s motion to withdraw his guilty plea. Craig throws a tantrum and vows to remain in office for the duration of his term (until January 2009). What’s another 1 year+ between old friends? Nothing happens in Idaho anyway! That’s why he had to go to Minneapolis to relieve himself!

If you find yourself in a hole, it’s generally a good idea to stop digging.