15 Worst Films of the Last Decade

Thursday, January 7, 2010 at 6:55 pm

This list is dedicated to the 15 worst films of the last decade. As you may remember, I did a post the other day on the biggest disappointments in cinema of the last ten years. While there’s a bit of overlap between the two lists, the following films did more than just disappoint…they flat-out sucked. Steel yourself, as we’re about to take a soul-numbing journey to a level of hell reserved especially for bad Hollywood movies.

Battlefield Earth – Any discussion of the worst films of the decade has to begin with this Scientology tribute to the writings of L. Ron Hubbard. John Travolta stars as a nine-foot-tall member of an alien race named Psychlos, the rulers of Earth for the last 1,000 years. But all that’s about to change when the heroic-yet-oddly-named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) arrives on the scene. This is what happens when you base a film on a work by a hack novelist.

Catwoman – Halle Berry purrs, meows, and does her best to simulate a woman resurrected with feline instincts. None of it matters, though, because Catwoman has nothing of interested besides the toned bodies of Berry and co-star Sharon Stone. Berry’s career has never been quite the same.

The Love Guru – Audiences found the dentally-challenged Austin Powers to be a delight, but they crapped all over Guru Maurice Pitka. Not only did the unfunny comedy lose money, but it also picked up three Golden Raspberry Awards, the ultimate achievement in movie crappiness.

The Wicker Man – Nicolas Cage scream hysterically about bees, karate kicks women in the chest, and dresses up in a giant bear costume…and this is supposed to be a horror movie! Instead, it becomes an unintentional comedy and a slap in the face to fans of the original British classic. Definitely in the “so bad it’s funny” category.

Wild Wild West – None of what made the original television series work is present in this train wreck of a remake. Even shots of Salma Hayek’s bare ass couldn’t save this one. Years later, Will Smith would issue an apology to the original James West, Robert Conrad, but that did little for audience members who’d already been traumatized by the sight of a giant mechanical spider and Kenneth Branagh as a maniacal, wheelchair-bound Southerner. About the only positive thing was getting to hear Cartman mock the film’s theme song years later.

Glitter – This Mariah Carey vanity project bombed, and so did the concept album soundtrack. Carey’s acting is forced at best, and the fairy tale element will make anyone over the age of 10 puke their guts out. Carey’s got loads of talent, but absolutely none of it was on display here. I consider it one of the worst films of the decade, but many critics have went so far as to label it one of the worst films ever made.

From Justin to Kelly – What happens when you combine the winner and runner-up from the first season of American Idol? You get this piece of garbage noted for horrible acting and lousy choreography. Even though the film is set during Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale, all the characters seem strangely clothed and sober. Kelly Clarkson managed to survive this potential career killer, but it was nail-in-the-coffin time for Justin Guarini and his damnable hair.

Norbit – Filled with rampant stereotypes, Norbit features Rasputia Latimore (Murphy), a domineering and morbidly obese woman who actually gets a harpoon in the ass at one point. That’s what passes for comedy in this jumbled stinker. Sadly, the film grossed over $150 million, showing that audiences around the globe are just one evolutionary heartbeat away from clobbering each other with sticks.

Syriana – If you’d like to be preached at but don’t want to go to church, try this heavy-handed tale about politics and greed in the Middle East. Most critics gave it high praise, but I stand firm in my hatred for this over-acted and obnoxious piece of cinema. A rant by Tim Blake Nelson marks the film’s low point.

Southland Tales – Pretentious in the extreme, Southland Tales takes a promising cast and makes them all look like a bunch of simpering fools. Richard Kelly also directed the semi-pretentious Donnie Darko, but he at least seemed to exercise a bit of restraint on that one. Not this time around. Filled with lots of “meaningful” dialogue, slow-motion, and “hip” songs, the film is a downright embarrassment from start to finish. Kelly deemed it a “great black comedy,” but the only amusing part is how poorly it performed at the box office (less than $1 million on a budget of $15 – $17 million).

I Know Who Killed Me – This one should’ve been renamed I Know Who Killed My Career…Me, as Lindsay Lohan hasn’t appeared in a film for two years following this disaster. Dealing with a serial killer and separated twins with a psychic connection (both played by Lohan), the whole thing spiraled out of control and set a new record for the number of Golden Raspberries won (eight). When you break a record previously held by Battlefield Earth, that’s quite an accomplishment.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen – It made over $500 million within the last year, so anyone who reads this probably saw it. Shame on you. Why don’t you just go harpoon a whale while you’re at it (or Eddie Murphy in a fat suit)?

Swept Away – Madonna’s private parts must secrete some kind of chemical that causes men to lose their minds. How else can you explain films like Shanghai Surprise and this one? Guy Ritchie was a perfectly good filmmaker until he hooked up with the “Material Girl,” and then he decided to remake a beloved Italian film and put his wife in the lead role. Grossing less that $1 million off a $10 million budget, Swept Away deservedly captured five Golden Raspberries for its ego-tripping mediocrity.

Revolver – Another film made during the Madonna era, Revolver is an absolute mess of a movie masquerading as a Guy Ritchie crime picture. Madonna and her hubby were in the middle of a Kabbalah phase, and so the script is filled with reference to this ancient form of mysticism. Not exactly the best material for a crime film. Worst of all, the movie is just dreadfully boring. But critic Brian Orndorf called it “the perfect movie for those who like to crack things open and dig around the innards.” If you happen to run into Brian Orndorf, would you please kick him in the nuts for me? One of the worst films I’ve ever seen.

Delta Farce – Country comics Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy team up as National Guardsmen who think they’ve been deployed to Iraq, when they’re actually in Mexico. This leads to such comic gems as a villain named Carlos Santana (poor Danny Trejo) and “Operation: Sombrero.” If you think Delta Farce is hilarious…you might be a redneck.

Syriana has to be close to the worst. It got so many kudos from the critics that I tried to watch it – three times! I never did make all the way through. Once I fell asleep without turning it off so it did play to the finish. The next morning the dog was less than impressed and had peed on the TV screen.

July 11, 2010

Shane

I’ve never met your dog, but I like him already.

November 8, 2010

olivia simmons

aw come on! Norbit had some funny bits. “I weigh one eighty-five. How ya doin!” In britain we thought the fat references were hilarious, cos we think americans are fat.
How about some really gag inducing ones like:

Ella Enchanted
Cadet Kelly
New Moon (forced to see twice and actually felt embarrased for them)
Twilight
Speed Racer
Sky captain and some shite
Hours of my life i shall never get back…
unfortunately your funny comments on these films still don’t make up for it.

September 8, 2011

Trudie

Haha, tell me about it. There is nothing I love more than to come home after a day at work, crash on the couch and watch a movie…but if the movie sucks, I prefer staying late at work…

March 7, 2012

Samantha1986

Hello there! This article couldn’t be written any better! Looking through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He continually kept preaching about this. I am going to forward this article to him. Pretty sure he’ll have a very good read. Thanks for sharing!