Don’t blame me; puberty wasn’t my idea

When I was in 7th-grade, it seemed like there were only two kinds of kids: those that were miserable, and those that made them that way.

Guess which one I was.

Thirty-five years later, I get to re-live 7th-grade again through your eyes, son, and I realize I was wrong: you’re all miserable. And why wouldn’t you be? You’re in the midst of puberty: life’s most drastic metamorphosis. It’s like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

Well, it would be like that if the insect started as a beautiful, innocent butterfly, then transformed into a dirty, smelly caterpillar that, despite all the physical changes, still managed to retain its feeble immature brain, poor judgment and frighteningly impulsive tendencies. Other than that, though, it’s totally the same.

There are so many kids afflicted with puberty in your class, the concentration of hormones wafting around the room must reach near lethal levels by noon every day. Your teacher is probably on her fourth or fifth puberty by now just from constant exposure to second-hand hormones. That can’t be healthy.

It doesn’t help that the girls have become freakishly tall right when your Y chromosome is at its most vulnerable. You’ve finally reconciled those conflicting infatuation/hate feelings you had for girls (it’s pretty much all infatuation now). Unfortunately, it’s just in time for girls to become way too intimidating to consider ever doing anything about it.

And while the girls’ bodies are visibly changing to eventually accommodate the making of babies, the only outward signs that your testicles are becoming fully functional are the pus-filled globules adorning your nose and face. (Also, to the trained eye, the way you hold your books in front of your groin after seeing Emmie Carlton in a bathing suit is kind of a giveaway, too.)

It may be hard to hear this from me because, as you know, I was a total stud at your age:

Still, for some reason, I felt a bit awkward in 7th-grade, too. *

The bottom line is that puberty sucks even without lederhosen. You are now a slave to your own testicles, which have taken it upon themselves to produce a dangerous cocktail of mind-and-body-altering drugs. The changes associated with puberty are tough: the moodiness, the insecurity, the lapses in judgment, the late nights spent crying in bed. And those are just the changes your mom and I are going through; you’ve got your own set of issues to deal with.

One of the toughest things about being a dad is seeing you having a hard time figuring out life and knowing that there really are no good answers for the questions you have. I used to have answers to every one of your questions. But I don’t know why Marty keeps picking on you, or why Emmie likes Tommy instead of you; I don’t know why you got a boner right in the middle of your oral report, and I have no good answer for why it’s not cool to like Scooby Doo anymore; I don’t know why just “being yourself” requires so much bravery; nor do I know how to convince you that all your friends are just as confused and uncomfortable as you are.

Your world is getting a lot more complicated. I never doubted my ability to be your guide up to now. But it’s no longer about reminding you to put your jacket on before going outside, or that it’s important to share and always say thank-you. The emotional pain you feel lingers longer and the stakes of lessons learned are so much greater now. Sometimes I think you’re handling your puberty better than I am, especially since you’re doing this entirely without the aid of coffee or alcohol.

I was going to say, “We’ll figure this out together,” but I know we won’t. You’ve got to figure this out for yourself, but I’ll listen any time you want to talk and I’ll keep trying to convince you that what you’re going through is normal.

And remember, no matter how confusing it is and how hopeless it seems:

Don’t blame me, son; puberty wasn’t my idea.

—————–

* I’m starting to think that Mr. Kirk, our band teacher, was doing some kind of secret government-sanctioned psych experiment when he started the German Band. They’ve probably been tracking me ever since. I bet they’re studying the life-long impacts of being seen by one’s 7th-grade peers wearing suede shorts, suspenders and knee socks. Or maybe it was just a conspiracy among shrinks to ensure that there’s always a new generation of patients being cultivated. PLSD – Post-Lederhosen Stress Disorder.

Funny post, IBMP, also strangely moving … but you forgot one thing. It may be confusing but it is also wonderfully exciting at times and your son has got his whole life ahead of him knowing he will never make the mistake of wearing lederhosen. x

That picture haunts me — HAUNTS ME!! If I might add, and I noticed this just tonight as I attended a local government presentation on ____ (you won’t care) ____: “all your friends are just as confused and uncomfortable as you are” basically lasts for the rest of your life. Those who stop worrying about this simple fact have the world at their fingertips, as far as I can tell. (I do not have the world at my fingertips, by the way.)

I have lived a life filled with improbably beautiful imaginary, but, none so lovely as the reverse butterfly metaphor. How has this not entered the common lexicon?

What makes your blog so special, besides the cartoons, the clever, fall-down funny prose and the occasional glimpse of lederhosen and suede shorts (God, it just sounds sexy) is this: I know you show these words to your son before you post them here. That level of courage, from both you and your son is so profound, I can only hope I will find such a special relationship with my sons.

This makes your words so much more important and significant. Great stuff, Barmy.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I want to save this for when my 4 year old boy turns 12-13. It is a scary thought that one day I will not have all the answers, because right now I feel like I’m on fire and I bat each question out of the park every time. Great post!

And what’s cool is even if you don’t bat it out of the park, your 4 year old has no idea that you just made up a big heap of BS. Until, of course, they get into science class and find that atoms are not actually the male version of Eves. But, hey, you’ve got time for that.

Whether your son appreciates this post now or will be able to look back on it when he’s older and appreciate it then, it’s wonderful that you are able to share that with him. My dad never said anything remotely along these lines to me when I was growing up and you nailed it in one blog post. Nice work.

Thanks a bunch. Yeah, I doubt any of our parents have had these kinds of conversations with their kids. It’s just not what parents did. Of course, I suppose it remains to be seen whether it makes our kids’ lives any better, but it makes me feel better…

We’re expecting our first son next month, and I am freaked out because I am terrified at the thought of being the mother of a pubescent male someday. Thanks for the honest, hilarious post. It makes me feel a little better about our family’s future. And the picture made me laugh out loud:)

Congratulations on making a little person! It’s funny, though, because I was scared to death that I’d have a girl to deal with through puberty. I can’t figure them out even post-puberty so the thought of having to navigate through parenting a pubescent girl scared the bejeezes out of me. Anyway, go get some sleep–you’ve got only one month of it left 😉

Terrifically thoughtful and poignant post! My son is just nine so I’ll be coming back to read this again in a few years. I love your blog for reminding me that my children will grow up too fast for my liking.

They really do grow up too fast. I wrote a post when my son was about the age yours is now in which I begged him to slow down. He completely ignored my pleas. Totally disrespectful if you ask me. Thanks for the kind words, sir!

Awww, puberty sucks for everybody. I always tell my husband that middle school was the worst time for me. Things were spreading and budding and I was getting curvier and harrier.I have been 5’7″ since 7th grade. Thank God by the time high school started I had a handle on the changing body, shaved my legs and learned how to put on lipgloss and mascara. Then came braces; which was basically a chastity belt on your face in the 90’s:) My plan is to make puberty as painless as possible for my girls. I can;t stop it from happening but I can make it more of an easy transition, or at least try. Yep, puberty is the great equalizer. Thankfully , we all survive.

Reblogged this on JOYandpainfitness and commented:
Not technically fitness related, ok not fitness related at all BUT I loved this post! My own son is gaining on that double digit age in just a couple months and it feels like in a blink of an eye he’ll be a teenager. I’m not ready, but posts like this make me feel like maybe nobody really is. We’ll just have to figure it out together. One step at a time and hope that one day we can look back and laugh. Hysterically. LOL All I know is, if some little girl likes some other little boy more than my stud muffin Marcus, then she’s obviously retarded and I’m completely okay with that! Haha

This blog brings back some good memories because as boys, we all know about the way we feel towards girls at this age. It can all be so scary going through these times when puberty is raging at its peak. I feel like we all have our own ways to get through it, and maybe even embrace it in positive ways. The connections you made between both lives really show the substantial differences on how kids go about their lives in the big scary middle school.