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Sunday, 13 November 2016

Dealing with My Demons

***
DISCLAIMER: In this post I discuss my own anxiety and post-natal depression. If
you feel that you are suffering from anxiety or depression, please speak to
your doctor or to an organistation such as Beyond Blue . ***

A few weeks
after O was delivered via emergency caesarian, I was diagnosed with Post Natal
Depression and put onto medication to assist me to get through our day to day
routine. It wasn’t something that I made public as I was highly embarrassed by
it. I know it was illogical but I kept thinking that I was successful so
telling people that I had PND would make me look weak. I, with my GP’s
guidance, was able to wean myself off the medication after about twelve months
and I thought yippee, that’s the end of that. I won’t be needing that
medication again.

Skip
forward to mid 2014 and I found that I was again struggling to think logically.
This time it wasn’t because I had a newborn, nor was it due to having two
children. I was struggling due to not being taken seriously by medical
professionals about L’s health, development and behaviour.

I once
again found myself sitting in my GP’s office and discussing with him about not
being able to think logically about what was happening.

I’d never
thought of harming myself or my children, I just found that I wasn’t coping emotionally.
My GP again suggested that it might be a good idea to go onto medication. And I’ve
been on it ever since. Again it was something that I was embarrassed about. How
on earth do I explain to my friends that I’m not coping emotionally with what
is happening, without being on medication. To me, it seemed like a taboo
subject and again I thought that I would appear weak.

When O’s
anxiety issues became more apparent and obvious, and since speaking with her
psychologist, I have begun to re-evaluate my own anxiety that I have been
battling for as long as I can remember.

I can’t pinpoint
exactly when I knew that I first started having anxiety issues, I do know that
it was when I was a child.

I just
guess that I’d never put it down to anxiety, even as an adult, I always thought
it was due to other reasons. Being at a new school, being an awkward teenager,
not being popular, starting at a new work place and so on. There was always
another reason.

I can
recall my first day at a new school, I think I was 7 or 8, and really
struggling to fit in. Was it being the new kid or was that when I first started
noticing that I seemed different.

As a young
child I seemed to always have things to worry about. Some of them I had no idea
why I was worrying, others I knew exactly why they were an issue, but I could
never seem to get rid of the worries. They were always there, eating away at
me and following me around like a dark cloud. I'd see worst case scenarios and blame myself for everything. I'd forget about the good.

As a
teenager I really struggled to fit in. To myself, I always seemed awkward. I
always struggled to understand how other kids my age acted, talked and dressed.
To other kids at my high school I was different. I hated the bus ride to and
from school, kids can be so cruel. I was bullied throughout high school, at
times by people who claimed to be my friends but also by kids who didn’t know
me. I desperately wanted to fit in but could never seem to find a way.

In year 12,
I really began to notice just how much my anxiety was affecting me. I had a lot
of self-doubt and doubted every inch of my being. I struggled with my own
emotions and became a loner, which made the bullying a lot worse. I’m honestly
not sure how I made it through year 12 and into university.

People who
knew me then, tell me now “but you were so confident!” I may have appeared
confident but underneath the surface I was a duck, paddling furiously to stay
afloat.

All through
high school, I found that I understood and fitted in with the boys better. They
told it like it was. I understood them. But this caused more problems for me as
their girlfriends would get shirty at me. The thought of taking someone else’s boyfriend
never crossed my mind, I just understood boys better than I understood girls.

I didn’t
know how to dress on trend, I didn’t know a thing about make-up and yet all the
girls were wearing it. I liked boys as friends, but wasn’t interested in
forming anything other than a friendship with them. You can imagine the bullying
and gossip that came from that, to the point that some of the rumours followed
me into adulthood and caused issues after I finished high school…….

I liked to
study and I loved music. Study and music didn’t change. I studied and I got good
marks. Study and music were predictable, they were my escape.

Other kids
were not predictable.

But were
these the pressures of being in Year 12 and knowing that I needed good marks to
get into university or was it my anxiety showing its ugly head? I know now what
it was from, I didn’t back then.

As a
teenager I had learnt enough skills to know that I needed to blend into the
crowd, I just wasn’t very successful at it. What I didn’t have were the skills
that I have now to lower my anxiety levels.

Even going
into my adult years, I wanted to fit in but didn’t seem to know how. I had a
very small group of friends at University and I was honestly shit scared to
make new friends as I didn’t want to get hurt.

I did
enough that I didn’t stand out in the crowd. I just got on and did my job at
University and in the workplace. When I knew that I made social mistakes, I
just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

Even now, I
find that I do seem to struggle socially. I don’t open up to people until I
know for sure what the other person is like. I don’t want to reveal the real
me, I don’t want to be hurt emotionally. I only reveal the real me when I feel
comfortable, when I trust whoever I am interacting with.

O’s
psychologist asked me recently if I thought that I was on the spectrum. If I’d
been asked this question prior to L’s diagnosis, the answer would have been a definite
no.

Knowing
what I know now about ASD and in particular that girls present differently, I
very definitely think that I maybe on the spectrum. ASD would certainly explain
my odd mannerisms, it explains my emotionally state, it explains why I
struggled to understand other kids behaviour.

I don’t
know that if I was to go through the diagnosis process back then, or now for
that matter, that I would be diagnosed as ASD though.

I’ve been
told numerous times by relatives and family friends who have known me since I
was a young child, that O reminds them of me at the same age. I can see some of
her behaviour and struggles that she goes through, as things that I went
through.

It’s only
since having children that I am now comfortable in my own skin. I no longer
care what others think of me, if they don’t like me, that’s their loss.

I’m here
for myself and my family, I’m no longer doing things to please others. I no longer
let others take advantage of me or get me down.I occasionally still think of things that could go wrong but they no longer consume me. I see opportunities and positivity and best case scenarios. Worst case scenarios are just potential outcomes that I overthink because of my anxiety.

I’ve come
to accept and acknowledge that I do need my medication to keep me level headed.
It helps me to think logically about every facet of my life. It helps me to
help my children. I no longer think that it means that I am weak.

I’ve
finally come to accept me, PND and all!

My anxiety
is part of me, it’s never going to go away but the older that I get, the more
skills I learn so that I can cope and lower my anxiety levels.

And as I
learn new skills, I am passing them onto O so that she too can start building
the skill set that she so obviously needs. I want O to have the skills now, so
that later on, her anxiety doesn’t affect her schooling and social life.

Being a
teenager is hard enough, throw in anxiety issues and it gets a whole lot
harder. I don’t want O to struggle like I did. I want O to be confident and
know that she can handle anything that is thrown at her!

And the
more confident that she becomes, the happier I will be. I will know that I am
setting her up to be a confident young lady who will accept her flaws, who won’t
be ashamed to ask for help when she needs it and will be proud of who she
becomes, anxiety and all.

I want O to have good dreams that filter out the nightmares. I want both my children to believe that everything will be alright. I want them both to see the positivity and opportunity and beauty around them, to see the good in life. I want O not to be afraid of her anxiety, I want her to know that she can overcome it and that she can reach for the stars to achieve her dreams.

36 comments:

Anxiety is crippling, keep on keep on you will be ok and hope your life brings you some peace! I still often struggle with anxiety myself and it's a life long road of learning how to keep calm and thinking before I react cause it tends to give me mood swings

Yes, just deal with the issues that come your way. There is no other way anyway. I try to take things not so seriously and always think to what would I think about the situation on my death bed. Then I imagine what advice I would have given to my younger self and go with it. If that makes any sense :) Nadine Cathleen | Karateandcaviar.com

We all go through different anxiety levels and not all people cope well. Do not feel embarassed or awkward. Can happen to anyone at anytime. You are strong enough to go to your GP and tell about your trouble. Many of them cannot even identify what goes through their head! Best wishes to you.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Being this vulnerable takes a lot of courage and I admire you for it! I used to battle with depression and self-harm. After realizing that depression and self-farm is NOT part of me and NOT who I am, I was able to let it go and deal with my down days better. Keep going, love. You are doing great.

How lucky your daughter is to have someone that isn't afraid to ask for help and is looking for ways to help her in the future. You are a strong mama and I really appreciate you sharing this. I too hope I can teach my daughter coping strategies with anxiety.

I'm a mental health professional and both anxiety and depression are serious things that can't be ignored, but require an all encompassing treatment regimen of medications, talk therapy, and a strong support system. I commend you for acknowledging what is and for seeking help. Good luck on your journey.

I could not relate to this more. I speak about Anxiety and my struggles with it, frequently on my blog. it can be, and has been at times, extremely debilitating and awful to try and get a handle on. I admire you incredibly for sharing your story and your ways to cope with anxiety. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong Mum with her.

That's the thing, I just hope that many won't be closed minded in discussing things such as anxiety is all about. it exists and I hope that everyone will understand that it can happen to anyone and even to them. Glad you are your children's mother. I am sure that you'll handle everything and that you don't want them to go through the same experience as you have had.

I admire your courage for being able to share with us what you've gone through. And it's great how you're now more comfortable as you say in your own skin. Your daughter is lucky to have you there. You're strong and will guide her.

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Mighty Contributor

My Little Superheroes

About Me

I'm a Mum of two beautiful children, both of whom have been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. My daughter also suffers from severe anxiety and both of my children also have sensory processing difficulties.

I started my blog in 2016 as a way of clearing my mind of everything that we were experiencing on our Autism journey. I find it very relaxing to write my thoughts down. I'd also like to be able to spread a little Autism Awareness through my blog!

I survive on coffee. I may be slightly addicted to pinning and repining on Pinterest! I also love sewing and being creative. I'm a Mum, a therapist, an Educator, a counsellor, a referee, an advocate, a chauffeur......