What kind of a person treats his Mum like this?

Background. My Mum has done EVERYTHING for me and my brothers. She raised us, taught us right from wrong and did it on her own. My Father and his family ignored us. We had no contact with his side of the family and it got worse once my parents divorced and he moved to the other side of the country for his girlfriend instead of staying with his kids. He and his family has done NOTHING for us.

So it was my eldest brothers birthday earlier this month and I found out that he came down from where he lives (he lives a few hours away) to stay at my FATHERS parents house. Not with my Mum. Then he spent his birthday with them. Not my Mum. He stayed there the WHOLE WEEKEND and couldn’t even be bothered to get on a bus and pop down and see my Mum. I get that he wants to try and make it work with my Fathers family (and my Father) but to completely ignore his own Mum? Just makes me sick.

What makes it worse is that my Mum tries hard to stay in contact but he ignores her calls, texts and fb messages. My Mum didn’t raise us to be like that and there is no way she deserves that kind of treatment. I’m not on speaking terms with him but if I was I would seriously give him a piece of my mind and I really wish my other brother would. I need a new family!!

…If this is the worst of your family drama, count your lucky stars. Seriously.

It sounds like all the children of the family are grown adults, yes? Then they can make grown-up decisions, and if he wants to spend time with the father who he had less time with as a child, that is fine, and his choice. He may have a completely different perspective on how his relationship with his father was as a child and how he feels about that. My parents were mostly sucky at parenting — I don’t care much for them, but my brother on the otherhand can’t seem to get away from my train-wreck of a father. I don’t hold that against him.

It may seem crappy to you, but I don’t really think it is worth getting so huffed up over.

urchin: Oh trust me there is worse in my family than this. This is just the latest. And I can totally understand him wanting to make up with that side of the family. That’s fine. But the way he ignores and treats my Mum isn’t on.

Could it be that you don’t know everything about what is going on between your mom and your brother? Maybe there’s a disagreement they’ve left you out of because it’s between the two of them or something along those lines. What I’m saying is don’t assume you know everything about the situation. Your mom and your brother have something to work out. Don’t make matters worse by drawing lines in the sand.

You don’t know the intricacies of their relationship, so I’d be careful about choosing sides and involving yourself in a matter that is not yours to involve yourself in. It may seem wrong to you, but again.. You don’t know the full story.

Familial relationships are always complicated, and you don’t know all the details. Clearly, you’re on your mom’s “side”, which may be part of the reason your brother won’t talk to you right now. He’s a grown man, and he’s allowed to make his own choices on who he has a relationship with. If you want a relationship with your brother, you’ll have to accept that he’s close to your father, and not your mother. If you’re OK with that, then you may want to extend the olive branch, and realize that parents are just a subject to avoid. You have no idea what happened between them, and you likely never will. Everyone has their own version of why the falling out and reconciliation occurred.

Mum and me are very close and we tell each other everything, she often comes to me when she has a problem so I’m sure if there was something she would have spoken to me.

The only thing I can see being a problem between them is his ex-girlfriend (they broke up a few weeks ago ish). He was so super sensitive about her because she was coloured and anything you said would offend him. He seems to like starting arguements with her over nothing. If he has a problem with her he should talk to her like an adult instead of having a paddy like a child.

I can see what you are all saying though, I don’t know his side, I don’t know what he’s thinking and I don’t know what their relationship is like. I think I will just keep quiet about it.

MariContrary: Oh there is a whole other story why we fell out. Something to do with FI and I being ignorant to his then girlfriend because we are both quiet and don’t like to walk at a snails pace. Needless to say the way he spoke to me afterwards and the way he wanted me be beg for an apologies means we don’t talk today.<br /><br />

Jeo4500: I can’t imagine why he would think you were ignorant to his GF who happened to be another race…

The position your mom is putting you in isn’t fair. You are getting her side of the story only. IF you want a relationship with your brother you need to do so and focus only on that relationship. Stay out of his relationship with your mom and dad.

Jeo4500: well, your brother may be on to something…you referring to his girlfriend as “coloured” is kind of telling…I’m not sure where you are from, so it may be different where you are from, but in many places that term hasn’t been used in 40 years. I also don’t understand why you would even need to mention her race in your post above. I think saying you feel like he was over sensitive about his ex girlfriend would have sufficed. Clearly there are 2 sides to this story.

WestCoastV: “Coloured” for me is a PC term, at least in my opinion and I meant no offence by it. Maybe that terms offends in the US but in England it’s better than using other words to describe her. And her race is important to the issue as they BOTH were touchy about it, constantly she would say “Oh just because I’m brown…”

I’ve lived in the UK for 30 years now, and I would never have dared to use the word ‘coloured’.

My mother has demanded that myself and my two brother have no relationship with our father for 25 years now. The only thing he did wrong was to divorce her. I’m 45, and I’m pissed off with both of them for the way they behaved when their marriage ended.

It was his birthday, he gets to chose where he spends it. He’s decided he wants a relationship with your father. Perhaps he was worried what your mother’s reaction would have been if he’d left her place to go back to his father’s during that weekend, and decided to avoid the drama?

Anyway, in the end, it’s all his business. You and your other brother need to mind your own.

As someone adopted who has both a bio family and an adoptive family (almost like a divorce, because of my age of adoption) I do not tell my adoptive family if I go and see a bio relative. Usually, it’s during a visit to my adoptive family

My mom and dad (adoptive) have every reason to hate my bio aunts and uncles, not for anything they did, but for their lack of doing something.

Your brother is OBVOUSLY going through something. He is very sensitive and hurting. You are not your brother, people handle things differently. Your mom might not be 100% honest with you either, either with intent or by omission.

I can’t blame the guy for being sensitive and then wanting to focus all of his attention on a parent who’s apparently estranged. You can’t just “get on a bus and pop downtown” you’re either focused on the person or not, especally in the early stages of re-building a relationship. Then your mom is sending him a ton of stuff, which, quite frankly is probably overwhelming.

Let your poor brother handle his life on his own. He dosn’t need his mother up his dung hole and his siblings saying nasty things about him. If my parents and brothers ever acted that way I’d avoid them, too.