Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Flash Gordon

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The Saturday morning favourite from the 1930's but much the same as the 80s version, I think I'mthedaddy 18:06, September 12, 2009 (UTC)

I would be willing to review this, but I won't be able to do it in a flash. It will take more than 24 hours from now before I'll be able to get to it. If you don't mind a wait that will be closer to 48 hours, maybe even a bit longer, I'll do it. If someone wants to fight the battle to save Earth before then, go for it. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 19:56, September 14, 2009 (UTC)

Any time would be fine. it's actually Sog1970's article but he doesn't rate it as highly as me so I thought I'd surprise him --I'mthedaddy 21:24, September 14, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:

7

First, my so-called credentials. There's many versions of Flash Gordon I haven't seen, so it would be easier to say what I have seen. I've seen a fair amount of Buster Crabbe's 1930s to 1940 work. Weirdly, I knew the daughter of Jean Rogers who played Dale Arden in the first two serials but didn't know it until Jean died. The daughter didn't get along with her mother, and never spoke of her to me until the day after her death, damnit. I would so have liked to have met her. I saw and loved the cornball-yet-deadly serious 1980 movie, and have seen it more than once but not recently. I have episodes of Steve Holland as Flash Gordon in the 1950s TV show, and must admit that if I didn't like girls so much, Steve Holland, a god among men, would make me turn gay. Also I would like to play Dr. Zarkov or Ming the Merciless, so if you're casting a production soon, let me know. I'm too flat-chested for any of the other major characters.

As for my reviewing, well, I'm ripping off some of my adopter Miley Spears' techniques who got two Golden Shower Awards from two Reviewers of the Month, and I got a Golden Shower Award from a recent Reviewer of the Month for my first Pee Review, so obviously I know everything.

I'm putting most of my stuff in the P section, even when it's humor-related, because I think in this article the specific writing style is key to virtually all the humor.

Your introduction. It sounds like an overly dramatic, cornball introductions for 1930s Saturday morning serials (or the 1980 movie), only seriously twisted. I don't think I could have done better myself, which really pisses me off. I'm not real sure about "Queen, Kaiser Wilhelm," but like the rest.

I see some parts like this in the article too, which I find great. But then it suddenly shifts into early 21st century sarcasm, and to me that doesn't work here. Then it goes back to 1930s. I've identified parts I think work (1930s) and parts I think don't (21st century).

I'm going to put a special word here about sex. Mostly because I like talking about sex. In this article, I don't think it works, but think it can work. The sex here is not 1930s subtle, it's 21st century blatant. If you kept the sex to double entendres, the kind of thing that a kid spending a dime on popcorn and a movie in the 1930s would not at all understand but that a 21st century kid with 8 gigabytes of Internet porn would, that would be great. Sex in movie serials in the 1930s was subtle, and I really think that's what's needed here. So your humor score is actually 5 for the modern jokes, and 9 for the 1930s ones. I'll explain that in a coming chapter.

Concept:

8

It's an iffy 8. With the 21st century sex references, it's a 7. Without that, it's an 8.5.

Prose and formatting:

7

Reason this isn't much higher is because of frequent grammatical errors, and the 21st century-type references (Please forgive me, but you'll be seeing a lot of that in my review). Much of this section is nitpicky.

First sentence needs comma after Twentieth Century. First sentence, second paragraph needs the comma moved: "Johnny-come-lately glory hunters, aware" "Beaver scouts," would be capitalized if you're referring to the (presumably fictional) organization Beaver Scouts--if not, this is correct as is (but what would this mean in the 1930s?) Third paragraph should be "Marine Corps (capitalized)" and should be "fortyninth parallel (or 49th parallel), Emperor Ming the Merciless...."

The Threat to Earth: Please spell check this. "With an infinite supply of zombie-like stooges and a fleet of interplanetary craft at his disposal, Ming might easily have overwhelmed Earth's meagre (do you want the American spelling "meager" as it's an American article?) defenses." (I'd prefer a period there). Also "Space-o-scope" here, "space-o-scope" in third paragraph. What about Space-O-Scope (note the now more obvious S.O.S. initials, indicating danger? Plus capital letters look so much more dramatic. Maybe throw in one more reference to it just because I like the name) "...to destroy our tiny, technologically inferior planet." In these space operas, Earth isn't inferior, even if the bad guys are much more advanced. Doesn't make logical sense, but who the heck (can I say "heck?") expects logic in these things? So could be reworded. About "the foetid bowels of Mongo" like the reference--funny, but America spelling "fetid" I think would fit better. "....engineers were constructing at breakneck speed." Yes, everything's in these is developed at breakneck speed, so that's good.
"Mongo's propulsion system was ready." In space operas, you always end something like this with a period, not a comma. I think it's the law. "...planet Mongo Earthwards" should be earthwards. Also if the "propulsion system" and "bowels" are intended to be double entendres (sounds sci-fi, also means sex), that's exactly the sort of thing I'd like to see more of. You have a few of these, which I find cool.

"Even within the astronomy community (comma) few saw Mongo's...."" this new "star" in the firmament (period)."

"In many ways theirs was a tale not...." There's a sudden, radical change here. We're no longer in the 1930s waiting for the earth to be saved, we're in the early 21st century looking back. The language here jumps from what the article's had to something more modern, then back again, sometimes all in the same sentence. It breaks the wonderful narrative flow you've established up to now. The rest of this section is mostly 21st century, and I really think it would be better if it was majorly rewritten to fit the wonderful 1930s feel you started with.

Arrival and Capture: "Almost incredibly the atmosphere was tolerable to humans and the natives, however fierce, spoke flawless English." No, it's not incredible, not in a 1930s space opera. Again, this is more modern day (or at least 1930s science). You might want to make this more like "Naturally, the atmosphere was...." "had not Dale Arden's ultrasonic screaming kept the Mongosaur at bay." Yes. "...Ming's forces, peculiarly armed with both ray-guns and spears." It's not peculiar, it's naturally armed, or wisely armed, or evily armed, or something. It's what we would expect them to have.

"the solar-system's most notorious despot." like the wording in this section, dislike the link. Gordon Brown makes this a modern day political reference, which, sadly, much of America won't even understand (yes, it's pathetic, but true, but many Americans will think, "Gordon Brown, you mean the football player?")

"It has been suggested that Mongo's legal system...have much to teach us." This sounds like it was written by somebody else in the 21st century for a different article. I really like the idea, just not the wording. Again, make it 1930s.

"With all seemingly lost (comma) Flash, Dale and Zarkov...."

"his flamboyant carnival costume, manicure and carefully plucked eyebrows doing little to disguise his own sexuality." We've moved out of the 1930s again.

"Clapped in irons, Zarkov was forced to work in the Imperial research laboratories, among the Lava-lamps and Van der Graafs'...." Yes, good stuff, we're back in the wonderful 1930s. "for tender flesh give way to some old-fashioned bear-fancying." Sorry, I don't get this part.
"In an unexpected turn-around, Ming determined to marry Dale for artificial-insemination purposes while condemning Flash to his own pleasure dungeon." Again, maybe make it more subtle, double entendre time.

"...get better aquainted with Minge". Believe it or not, but I don't know if "minge" has crossed the pond--many Amercans will have no idea what this means. Also why is this bolded and nothing else?

"Ignored among the throng of flunkies Princess Aura..." Comma after flunkies, only flunkies could be peasants or something more 1930s. "Aura become an ardent fag-hag" much too modern day. "A plan was hatched and within hours she had rescued Flash from the dungeon and helped him to escape the city into the catacombs below." Nice writing, but rescued how? Capture and rescue are the bread and butter of these serials. I want to see the rescue, even if it's only a sentence or two.

Return and Escape (Again): "Prince Thun of the Lion-men, who was impressed by Flash's whip-handling skills and his ability to swallow meat." I'm guessing the meat reference is intended to be a double entendre', but it's not--it only makes sense as a sexual reference, which really weakens or kills the joke.

"Quickly (comma) they broke into the Research lab (either Research Lab (a research lab named "Research Lab") or research lab, and no period). and freed the scientist, though not before Zarkov had disabled many of Ming's security systems." Ignoring nitpicky grammar, I like this. 1930s again. "On the way out of the city (comma) Flash...." Dale appeared to be brainwashed--why? I'm assuming because she didn't want to leave the Amazoomas, but it's not clear. Also these female warriors seem to have come from nowhere--Dale is now leaving some female warriors we haven't heard of until now.

"...had the swift thinking Zarkov not tipped a bait-bucket into the water, sending the Shark-men into a feeding frenzy in which they consumed tha Octasak and at least two thirds of their own number." Definitely yes!

"Dale was nevertheless devastated to be separated from her guards (period) and hHer sobs alerted...."

"Princess Aura, however, realised that her passion for Flash could never be reciprocated. As she could not have him for herself (comma) she decided that no one else should would either." Yes, the classic femme fatal. "Using her ultra-powered laser hand-gun (comma) she destroyed the sluice-gates that guarded the underwater city (period. and oOnly the timely intervention of Prince Vultan of the Hawkmen rescued the Earth party from certain drowning." I like this, nice. But how was the rescue made? A brief sentence might be enough, but I want to see the rescue! Also how did we end up in an underwater city? Was that mentioned earlier? Maybe I missed it.

The Rebel Alliance: "Overtly heterosexual despite his choice of clothes, Prince Vultan, (no comma) took Dale and Flash back to his Sky-city to feed to his young...." The heterosexual part is 21st century. And if they know Vultan is going to be feeding them to his young, why do they discuss beating Ming and not escaping from Vultan? Has he told them his plans?

"Dr Zarkov befriended Prince Barin of Arboria who shared an interest in tights and funny hats. Vultan was impressed by Dale's interest in chicks...." First sentence 21st century, second I don't find funny. Maybe sublty, like Dale had said something about liking birds--no, that could mean women too. But if Dale did say something like that earlier in the article, and here it's a true double entendre', that could work. "...but ultimately disappointed by her plumage, which he considered inadequate for incubating eggs." Good. "...very loudly and with each syllable carefully ennuciated, since Avians often have underdeveloped parietal lobes and Vultan's Brodmann's area may well have oxygen-deprived due to a particularly tight helmet." Didn't care for this; substandard for the standard set in the beginning.

"Meanwhile Prince Barin and Zarkov mounted an unnecessary assault on Sky-city to save Flash." Unnecessary is 21st century (if mounted is intended as a double entendre, good). The rest of the paragraph rather lost me, although I liked "Barin discovered that bow and arrow were no match for laser weaponry." deadly serious humor--cool.

"Within days a twin-assault..." This paragraph lost me too. I had to keep rereading it to get it.

"Valiant as Flash was..." other than "it seemed that our hero's fate was sealed (again) once again" I like it better as once again, which sounds more 1930s space opera. The rest of the paragraph I could do without.

"As the assault outside foundered...." other than the nipple clamp, which I didn't find funny, I liked this paragraph.

"Even as the guards closed in around our helpless hero Ming...." This paragraph is 21st century.

Hidden History: "World War" should be "world war," but maybe the capital letters work here. If you really want to be blunt about the sex thing, this is the place to do it with "two confirmed bachelors (spelling) and a lipstick lesbian." This could be funny if you've been very subtle throughout, and then end it with a "Bang! NOW we're in the 21st century."

Images:

8

That's 9 for photos, 7 for captions as I'll explain. Bandy legs photo and caption: Nice. "Emperor Ming the Merciless with arrow showing where to look when gazing upon his hypnotic eyes." Love it. I bet that really is why they put that arrow there, to draw your gaze to his eyes. And you know that Ming is really Doctor Who's arch enemy The Master, don't you? Seriously, if the look and demeanor of The Master wasn't partially inspired by Ming, I'll rip up my Flash Gordon Space Cadets Membership Card. "Dr. Zarkov assumes the position." Photo nice, caption not. President Roosevelt's penis ship--not subtle. Maybe you could use the photo, maybe, if President Roosevelt didn't know what it looked like--and also President Roosevelt doesn't belong in the century this supposedly takes place in, so you're mixing reality with fiction in a way I don't think works. Bluebottle photo--This I find OK, except the caption doesn't fit what it says happened in the article. "Princess Aura helps Flash escape armed with the lastest in spud-gun/torch combos." Sorry, I love the photo, but I don't get the joke. Also I love the photo. Did I mention I love the photo? Excuse me while I have a quiet moment to myself..... Dale Arden photo: photo fine, please drop or replace the rug muncher reference. Prince Vultan: Love the pic, especially in b & w. The caption does nothing for me. Oranupoid photo and caption: fine. Electric nipple clamp photo: photo fine, caption too 21st century. Flash and Ming: photo could well work with an exposure ending, but the caption would be much better if subtle.

Miscellaneous:

7.5

Average of above.

Final Score:

37.5

Right now I think this is a diamond in the rough. I think with some cutting, polishing and rewording (oops, just blew my diamond analogy), this could be an excellent article. Post a note on my talk page if you rewrite it, please.