Worried

Well I am worried about my son. He called the other night which is good but he is struggling. His girlfriend is moving back and that is really hard for him, and now they are changing his shift and location at work which is really tough because he doesnt have transportation. So we had a good talk and he seemed ok. Then I got an email from his girlfriend... she forwarded an email he had sent to her... and he is sounding suicidal and hopefully that is mostly talk but is very worrisome....and in that he mentioned how much he is drinking which is a lot.

So at alanon last night we talked about worry and how useless it is to live in the future and the best thing to do is to try and live in the moment..... and then of course there is the serenity prayer. So I am trying to live in the moment and remind myself I need to accept what I cannot change.

I did text him today that I would come visit if he wanted me too... and he hasnt responded.

Its hard not to go back in time in my head and wonder if we could have somehow done things differently.... because in the letter he talks about how he hasnt had a home since he was 16.....and yet truly he was on such a dangerous path when we sent him to a therapeutic boarding school that I am not sure he would be alive right now if we hadnt taken action.

Hi TL,
I'm sorry you're in this place of worry...but I understand it.
Do you think that maybe your son is trying to get girlfriends attention by emailing her these things? Or do you think there is a real threat to self?

Remember what I did the last time my son called me and told me that he wanted to kill himself and how he was going to do it, where the body could be found etc. Scared me to death and so I called the police and they pinged his phone and found him. He said he "just wanted his mother's attention." Grrrrr! But guess what...no suicidal threats since then.

I think your son is scared right now because things are happening that he has to make adjustments for/and are beyond his control. And lets face it...Change is very very hard for our children!

TL...I could go back all day long (and sometimes do). But honestly...all of us were doing the very very best that we could for our children every step of the way. In many cases, they left us or the system with no choice!

Thinking of you and sending hugs and calming prayers for you both,
LMS

TL, I am sorry that you are going through this. I'm glad that you went to alanon meeting. That is all you can really do at this point.

Don't let the feelings of guilt overwhelm you. Your son made choices that endangered the family and himself that led to your having to send him away. You have done so much to try to help him and I believe he knows that.

Aw man, don't feel guilty! Keep sending encouraging, loving texts to him, call if you can. Take him out to lunch, spend time with him and let him know he's loved. That's all I got. You won't be sorry you made effort to give him hope.

Hi TL, I too am very sorry for this worry but I so relate to what you said about if you didn't take the actions you did way back he may not be alve. I had that conversation with my daughter recently when she told me how upset she was that we sent her to rehab when everyone there was so much worse and all she did was drink. I told her that we felt if we did not take that action she would be dead, she didn't deny that.

Your son always seems to go into a tailspin when his relationships break up. He does seem to always pull himself back up and I hope he finds his way to do that now.

I was not good at not worrying when my daughter was in a crisis and had to work at living my own life one day at a time. Sending you strength and hope.

TL I am so glad you are steadily going to alanon right now. I hope you can step up your meetings for a few days---I know that always helped me tremendously when things ramped up and I was worried. Prayers for you and your son tonight.

Well I am still worried.... but at least he is communicating some with us... he is working today and although he is struggling he is looking for solutions to the transportation problem. We will end up helping out but that is ok. I just have to not take it all onto myself... be supportive to him, but ultimately he has to come up with the solutions but know that we will back him up. It is hard because he is all the way across the country so I cant just take him out to lunch....but it is a real lesson on letting go because I also cant see for myself what is really going on.

We talked with him last night. We decided that he needs to keep this job for his mental health and it would be cheaper for us to pay for a cheap motel room for a couple of nights than pay the co-pays for a hospitalization!! So we are going to do what we can to help him out in this way. So we told him that. Then I offered to come out for a visit... he said if it was soon that would be awesome that he would like to see me!! So I said I would come in a week. He got really choked up and thanked me!!!I After talking to him I am less worried about suicide and really touched by how much he wants me to come!! So I used miles and made my reservations this morning.It may be hard because sometimes it is hard to be with him and I am going alone but I think right now he just really needs to feel he is loved.

That's great news TL! I love that you're going to see him. I know we all need to be strong and tough and remove ourselves from the addicts craziness often, but I also know that our addicts need love and support. I hope your visit goes well. ((hugs))