*Here’s a first! Buttcrack Santa himself (non canon character infamously in the Twilight movie) has written us a little letter and you might be surprised that he’s alive and well and terrorizing little children this Christmas… he wants to share a little bit with you. Enjoy!*

It’s a widely circulated rumor that I died in Twilight the movie at the hands of those jerkoff nomadic vampaires who jacked up my boat when in reality they just took my shit and then left me in that super sketchy boat marina while they went to find those losers the Cullens who as it turns out were playing BASEBALL in some field. And here’s a little secret for you, those Cullen kids, they’re VAMPIRES like those other jerkoffs. Vampires playing baseball? What the ef is that about? So now that I escaped their evil clutches and I have a new lease on life I spend my free days doing whatever I please… somedays I go fishing, somedays I sneak up on Cora, the waitress, and watch her through her apartment window while she’s getting ready for work, other days I dream about the diner’s steak and cobbler and still other days I hang out with “the boys” in Port Angeles since apparently that’s where you go for cheap booze and loose women… or just lost high school girls, either or.c

Merry frickin' Christmas!

So since no one really knows what the HALE I do for a living and it IS that time of year again, I’m back at my most favorite job in the world. Yes folks, it’s Christmas time so I’m reprising my most famous role as Forks’ own creep-o store Santa. Affectionately known to you all as: Buttcrack Santa, who some believe says inappropriate things to the kids and may or may not have given underage children little bottles of alcohol instead of those crusty ol candy canes. Tell me, who wants some broke ass candy cane when you can have a little bottle of Peppermint Schnapps? That’s a big DUH right there. Booze and cruise, yall! A shot of Schnapps for the kiddo’s will make that hellacious shopping trip so much better for the parents. So you see I’m doing them a favor. They should be thanking me instead of trying to get me fired. Ungrateful jerks. I may just have to report them to the REAL Santa as “naughty.” See if they like those lump of coals in their stocking instead of a fishing pole or perhaps a… LITTLE BOTTLE?!

Take the cut to read the rest and see Buttcrack Santa’s Christmas Card to you!Continue…

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.

Moon: so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphoneUC: what do you FEEL when you see it?Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the prayingMoon: or the virgin sacrifices!C
CAnimal Sacrifices

How do I put this thing on?

UC: JAKE?Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shotsUC: that dude needs a raiseMoon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)UC: clearly. sick to the nastMoon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this filmUC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fryMoon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

By now all the Diet Coke has been drunk, all the cupcakes consumed and all the screams have died down and what are we left with? Yup 66 days and counting till we finally get to see what we’ve all been waiting for New Moon the movie. And I think it would be an understatement to say I’m excited. I’m kinda really can’t even process all the moments but let’s try…

Red carpet madness:
Um since Rob and Kristen were too “busy” to walk the red carpet we will defer to Ashley who rocked the fashion correspondence and Taylor who KILLED it in a Calvin Klein suit. Sweet baby Jesus.

Killing it in do me heels, black corseted top and “bump it.” Could have left grandma’s couch/gold lame skirt at home but hey you had me at “bump it.”

Oh hai just stopping by before the big board meeting to show you what impeccable tailoring is.

Follow the cut for even more VMA crap… and an extra special gift…Continue…

We’ve never written you a letter before, but I think it’s time to break our silence. Now that we’ve read both the personal statement from Rachelle, your Press Release sighting “scheduling conflicts,” and now the 2nd press release sighting another film, we’d like to know the REAL REASON WHY the character of Victoria was recast. With only one film left to go in Victoria’s character arc, this is one of the biggest surprise moves you could have pulled (and at the 11th hour we might add.)

Now don’t immediately write us off as some simpering fansite looking for something to write about. We know the entertainment business is a fickle and mean bitch. Deals are created, moves are made, everything’s political, believe me: we KNOW! We both have worked and continue to work in entertainment and understand stuff happens schedules conflict, contract options don’t get picked up, and there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, but that’s not what happened here. It is clear from both your statement and Rachelle’s that she was screwed. She admits a scheduling conflict that you were trying to work through it and says she would have dropped the movie Barney’s Version if she had known her role as Victoria was going to be recast. So the question remains and we want to know, WHY?

Follow the cut to see our full letter and some of our guesses as to why…Continue…

if I was one of these girls or Jackson, I'd be crying openly (click to enlarge if you can handle it)

Dear New Moon Hair/Wig people-

I’ve never been more sad in my life.

This is just NOT alright. I am seriously sad and may think of boycotting you for making Jacksper look this ridiculous. His hair is poofy and NOT CUTE. What did you do wash and set it with sponge curlers ala 5th grade? I mean it must take a lot of work to take a normally great looking guy and make him look like a poodle at the Westminster Dog Show. In fact I think that’s where you must be going to get all the wigs that were in Twilight and now New Moon. Jacob’s half up, half down wig makes him look like a Native American My Little Pony. All he’s missing are the bejeweled eyes.

If this is the hair Jasper has when he kicks butt and draws blood at Bella’s birthday party someone will have to hold me in my seat because I may not be able to help myself. I need a bad ass Jasper taking a swipe at Bella and not some fancy boy with Shirley Temple hair.

I have no more to say about this. I’m going to act as if this never happened. I have my eye on you Wig wranglers!

The end.
Themoonisdown

PS girls in this picture: please do not frame this or make it your profile pic on Facebook. We need to forget this ever happened.

PPS UC, i <3 you and would never give you poodle hair if I was a hair stylist