You’re over 40. Your skin is dry and dull. Your face is starting to show off those fine lines (you know the ones I mean). There’s some deep ones around the mouth from 5 years of making constipated faces behind the back of the boss who continually pisses you off; crowsfeet or “squinters lines” you picked up from all those late nights that found you swerving home, a wee bit tipsy, from the bars -(Concentrating on making out the road divder lines and trying hard to uncross your eyes at the same time will do that to the delicate skin around a girl’s eyes!)

And don”t forget those forhead “who me?” grooves you accrued while trying to con the many nice policemen who pulled you over on some of those nights.

No I CAN'T tell you your future...I read PALMS NOT FACES!

Remember this?

Face it – trying to have a fun but sense-dulled life is rough on the old complextion. You only WISH you were that pimply-faced teenager once again. What you wouldn’t give for a little skin oil!

REVERSE Polka Dots!!

Well, you’re in luck! I’ve got just the appetizer for you…

From the back streets of the Bronx and Brooklyn! Stuck between the secret receipe for Great Great Great Grandmother Zeldamona’s pizza dough and a lost can of “MamaMIA! Loosa Dat Musa stacha!” Feminine Hair Remover, is this ancient Chinese secret for smooth skin. REVEALED at last by a group of our lovely italian sisters! (The Madonna sisters not the DeLuise females)

The secret? Good old extra virgin olive oil mixed with regular face cream. I swear this makes a difference to your skin! Extra virgin olive oil and soybean oil, in fact – Campania brand. You can buy it from the 99 Cents Only Store for only 99 cents!

For your reading pleasure and beauty edification I now present to you, part of a post I borrowed from Yahoo! ANSWERS that gives you the oil rub low down…

“Olive oil is one of those magical substances that is good for almost everything–your diet, your skin, your hands and nails, and your hair. Prized for its cosmetic uses since ancient times, olive oil is relatively inexpensive and can be purchased in most grocery stores.” (Remember ladies….99 Cents Only stores!)

“Use extra virgin, as brands labeled “pure” and “light” have been chemically processed. Because the oil’s fat composition is very similar to that of human skin, it rarely causes allergic reactions. In addition, it’s absorbed quickly and helps lock in moisture in the skin. The high percentage of unsaturated fat and vitamins A and E, helpful in preventing sun damage, also work on the outside to soothe and replenish, particularly sensitive skin. It is also pure, and unmixed with anything but water, unlike other oils.”

“You may find you love this elixir enough to buy an attractive storage bottle so you can keep it in the bathroom rather than dragging the big container out of the kitchen every night. And if you don’t like the smell, you can always mix it with a little of your favorite hand, body, or hair lotions.” (I mix it with lavendar lotion when applying it to my body – also from 99 Cents Only stores…hey, I should be getting a kick back from this!)

See How Good HIS Skin Looks?

Every post I researched in the past two months, old wives tales and clinician’s opinions alike, have given roughly the same information and that was good enough for me! So if you’re into gettin’ greasy here is what I do for soft, supple rehydrated skin:

Buy Extra Virgin olive oil with soy oil …Make those Vegans happy with an act of random blandness (HINT: Soy oil is GREAT for the skin as well)

After cleaning your face with a good soap and water. Dry it.

Mix your oil (don’t go overboard you might slip in an oil spill and break a hip – NOT GOOD at our ages…) with some generic skin cream and blend well with your hands.

I start out by applying a good deal of my mixture to the neck as an anti-turkey waddle precaution.

Till you feel comfortable with the oily feeling, apply lightly to your face and blend it. (Avoid the areas that still have old faithful oil wells – the nose and parts of the chin etc).

Let the mixtures absorb into your skin before applying any makeup.

For a body mositurizer use a scented lotion if you wish, add some oil, blend and rub all over your body!

I perform this routine A.M and P.M. before bed. In a day or so your whole body and face should feel and appear smoother and you won’t have to worry for a few more years about looking like this…

Lookin' Sharp Sharpei-girl...

Always remember this wee factoid: How good, or not good, someone’s outsides look are only as good as they pamper their insides. Feed your body good nutritious foods, drink plenty of win water, walk up and down a couple of stairs a day (If you don’t have stairs walk all over some scapegoat – it’s great exercise and it feels sooo good ..) and sleep once in a while dammit!

Disclaimer: This post, although humorous, is solely the product of the tried and true opinion of the author, who researches information on her own and follows left field alternative ways to stay healthy and keep youthful. The reader is highly encouraged to check out all the in information available out there on the WWW, including any precautions regarding certain medical conditions. And if a reader thinks Peanut Oil of OLAY! is going to do it for her, the author says “Have at it!!” Not everything is for everyone. The author will not be held liable for any grease adventures gone awry and will not accept being slammed with a lawsuit by the angry family of a woman who after reading this post, slathers herself in garlic-flavored oil olive, goes out on for a night on the town to show off her glowing skin and gets eaten by a moron who was really hungry at that particular moment, craving italian food, couldn’t find a pizza place open and consumed her on the spot. So word to the wise – one might not want to step on out smelling like “Taste o’ Italy”..