Thursday, January 29, 2009

i was on my landline phone with me mom yesterday when i heard a wacky noise (it's hard to describe...like a mix of mechanical and reception, whatever that means to you), i then verified if it was only on my side of things, made a joke, and then pulled the phone away from my ear to see if my phone was still connected. when i did this, i accidentally hung the phone up. this is what my mom heard:

Sara: What's that noise? Do you hear that noise? I think aliens are abducting me! *click*

when i called her back, my mom was still laughing. (to be honest, i still chuckle thinking about it.) whence we were done laughing about it, it hit me that i could have actually been abducted by aliens-- all evidence pointed to it -- and my mom's response was to laugh!! between this and the zombie fakeout from last week, i don't know if the world is prepared for when the ACTUAL ZOMBIES AND ALIENS COME. come on, let's get serious about this...because it will happen.

on another mother related note, during the same phone conversation, my mom was telling me of some sort of upcoming teacher institute something or other day that the staff from the elementary schools through high schools have to go to. she was talking about the inconvenience of having to drive across the island to get there very early in the morning, and was considering taking a bus that her neighboring middle school had arranged for (she works at an elementary school). when she was weighing the pros and cons, this came out of her:

"Do I really want to ride with the middle school teachers? You know how crazy middle school teachers can be." (Mom, 2009)

umm..so due to some circumstances, even though i was down to five shows on my dvr, i'm back up to 30 and behind again. instead of giving up on my beloved rock of love bus, though, i'm just giving a brief 'top o' the noodle' the recap of the episode from two weeks ago, and will hopefully have this week's recap to you by sunday. yes no?

blah blah, sluts, boobs, suitcases. bret meets the girls at an ice rink. they must protect baby bret by shooting him into goals worth various points. lacey is back yet again (guess she has some time off from being 'a musician') to lead some school's hockey club against the girls. melissa pops her implant. i'm dead serious. one team with four girls wins, they go to a strip club. beverly is a total beverly about it and, surprise! turns out she has three kids. yikes. the girls are kind of upset about their prize date being at a strip club with zero alone time, but mostly they're excited to be dancing on a real stripper pole. except beverly.

at the hotel everyone's drunk and crazy. brittaney is actually crazy and it turns out she took the girls' sweaty hockey socks and stashed them in her bunk. melissa calls her boyfriend in the middle of the night (idiot) to complain about how she has no connection with bret and how he has extensions and he looks really old. the girls rat on her so at elimination after she tells bret she's not feeling it, he tells her to get the fuck out. then he calls various girls until beverly and brittaney are left. brittaney proves to be too crazy, so she's given the boot. and then she just stands there like a creep, smiling, after everyone is long gone.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Previously - there were fake boobs, there was drinking, there were fights. a girl took a shot from another's "shot glass". (fun fact; in one of the songs i wrote for slutfire, there is a line that went "take a drink from my shot glass" wherein shot glass = vagina. the word "shot" was taken out, but the point remains: great minds.)

a girl named megan says she won't get half naked for bret's affection. guys, i bet megan's going home. marcia opts to move to the blue bus with the rest of the brunettes. brittany/jasmineva shows off some more of her crazy. i hope she makes it far on the show. marcia decides that she's not drinking anymore. we'll see. (spoiler alert, she drinks later.) the girls have to write their wedding vows to bret and present him with a gift. he's serious this time, guys. costandina is working on a belly dancing routine. either that or she's constandinly undulating.

they meet bret at a rock 'n roll chapel. he says in the chapel are wedding dresses and "assessories" that they must choose between for their respective weddings. bret wears his tuxedo tank top and the girls take turns walking down the aisle. farrah has borrowed mystery's jamiroquai hat for the occasion. beverly refused to put on the sexy wear and instead chose to be a total beverly and went barefoot, wearing jeans and like, a snowboarding jacket. (turns out it's a motocross jacket.) i think beverly, like bret, might be in it for the girls.

bret chooses the three that most impressed him and they win a group date. he chooses taya (penthouse pet), brittanya (pierced dimples), and farrah (jamiroquai hat) everyone gathers for the reception. each girl gives bret a lap dance. i've been to a birthday party like that. i have pictures.

it's VIP pass time! instant access, whenever, wherever. they must answer a series of riddles to get the passes, but they're all too dumb for this game, so bret just chooses three. The passes go to Natasha (who is black, which will come up later), Brittanya, and Taya. Brittany/Jasmineva is all upset because she gave a good effort trying to answer questions, but she doesn't realize that everyone else thinks she's batshit crazy (she is). she overhears natasha talking about her, so she screams at natasha that bret only chose her because she's black. yuh oh. then, when natasha rightly gets angry at this, brittaney starts crying and says that she can't be racist because her grandfather is black. uh...ok...

the winners of the vow challenge meet bret at a pumpkin patch for a hay ride date. brittanya stupidly uses her VIP pass during this date where she is one of four people.

bret takes time to hang with some of the girls he knows little about. it is here where constandina confesses she took a religious vow not to have "all the way" sex for three years. guys, i think constandina is going home.

eliminations: 3 skanks are getting left. brittanya is called first, others follow until Brittaney, Melissa, Marcia, Constandina, Samantha (?) and Megan remain. he calls down the former three and after much ballyhoo, he says they are safe. so, as predicted, megan and constandina are out, as well as samantha...who i'm really not sure i knew was there in the first place.

Friday, January 09, 2009

y'all i'm watching Across the Universe right now and it is SO BAD. i mean, i'd heard it was bad, but i wasn't expecting this. and you all know i don't quit on movies just because they stink. so i decided to swallow this in little bites. since the movie is basically a cornytown, usa reenactment of one beatles song after the other, i decided to watch a song, take a break, then watch through the next song, and continue in this manner. i don't know if you guys know this, but there are a lot of Beatles songs. and i'm only about 45 minutes in (of 2:13). this flick is definitely headed towards the dreaded 1 star rating on netflix.

Ok, so our buddy Bret has lost two lady loves because he's too much of a rock star, man, to be held down by love. so this season, we're going on tour. the weave is back, the bandanna's back, the diabeetus is back. 20 "hot" girls will join him on tour. i bet you only 2 of them are hot. maybe. at each city, they'll dump some deadweight bitches. wasn't this a challenge on previous rock of loves? big john is also back.

we meet the girls at coyote bar in louisville, kentucky. i'm not gonna commit any names to memory yet because he always wipes out a big number first. there's a girl with pierced dimples. what is the purpose of that? bret says he'll give up if he doesn't find love this season with this silicone sack of winners. bret thinks these girls are gorgeous. *shudder* there's a girl that looks like a mix between angelique and daisy. my eyes!!

there's the requisite backstage pass photo session with noted fashion photographer bret michaels. seriously, these girls are disgusting. umm, daisalique pulls out her lyrics sheet (so she can rap to bret while he takes her picture, obvs) and the words "GENITAL HERPES" are in plain view on the paper. bret tells us he read "genital herpes instructions" another girl also saw "GONORRHEA". Gross. Awesome. this girl that screams penthouse pet and is literally wearing a shirt that says "penthouse pet" tells bret first thing that she's a penthouse pet and acts like it was a secret. her posing pantsless prompts others to bare everything. these poor girls.

bret has a "show" to "get to" so the girls pick between two buses. it seems like the slutty girls choose the pink bus and the "cool girls" (aka brunettes) are on the blue. a fight breaks out on the pink bus because one of the brunettes snuck on. drinks are poured on heads, tears are shed. pan to the awesome blue bus where the down to earth brunettes and one blonde turncoat are havin a grand old time.

after party time! time for some drunk bitches!!! there's drinking, there's fighting, there's name calling. bret comes in without a voice. rock and roll.

uhmmm...oookkayy...so i theenk daisalique took a test tube shot and possibly, uh...took the shot out of another contestant's err, umm, uh, how do you say...vageen.

the girls get to their next hotel and split in their three rooms by the three cliques. as one of the slutty blonds tells us, the cliques are as follows: the blontourage (her clique)--those that are blond (and the brunette with dimple piercings, i think) who make out with each other all the time, the "semi crazy" girls -- the girls that click with the blontourage and probably make out with each other on occasion. and the "zombie girls" which are the rest of the brunettes and 1.5 blonds who probably made out with each other once in college. some girls drink as they wait for bret. and the brazilian one throws up. then she makes out with bret and he loves it. gross.

so then there's another fight. the brazilian throws chips on a blond called ashley. this ashley pours a beer over the brazilian's head. the brazilian chokes her. bad ass.

elimination time. five girls are getting cut. bret says we're doing things differently tonight because of the urgent time constrains of a rigorous bret michaels tour schedule. marcy (brunette), heather (blond/brunette), stephanie (blond member of the brunette team), brittaney (semi-crazy blond), Nikki (Daisalique), Gia (blontourage, vagina shot glass), and Marcia (brazil) are called. the remaining 13 are given their passes and told they are safe. these girls are so drunk. well the blond ones are. marcia the brazilian and her vomit breath are saved. one more herpes-filled slot remains. and that slot goes to brittaney the blond semi-crazy ex-porn star whose listed as "Jasmineva" on fafarazzi. so two hot messes are sent packing along with the 3 brunette members (though 1.5 of them were blond). those three were actually three of the hotter ones too. bret's crazy.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

This casting notice caught my eye because of my ethnic ambiguity/miscellaneous princessness. but then i continued reading and figured it would be better suited for the casting bag:

Non-Union Actress: Female, ethnically ambiguous, 18-30 for a stylized slow motion music video. You will be dancing in headdress with Afghan hounds in front of small, low velocity wind machine. Must dance and move well.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

my tv tastes range from the trashiest lows to the classiest highs, so forgive me for stepping into the dumpster for a second here. i was watching the rock of love: charm school reunion last night like a classy lady (btw, prepare yourself for rock of love bus. with names like Brittanya, Constandina and Jasmineva, how can it not be in reality corner) and something very odd happened. Megan was brought down to the stage for her time with Sharon. first let me share my feelings about megan--

it is hard not to hate her, but it is also hard to not think about how much she's fucking with people because the producers asked her to (rumor is she was dating one of the producers for a while). there are times i hate her, but also times that i love her. she is not what she seems -- she's brilliant and hilarious and at times she can be awesome, but she's definitely a villain. so, proving how much she gives a shit, she stumbled onto the stage drunker than i've ever seen her. that's saying a lot, considering that her two staples on her three shows have been a bikini and a drink in her hand. so first of all, as she's getting out of her seat to head to the stage, brandi c is next to her SOBBING. this, on the contrary, is not saying a lot, because brandi c is always crying about something like her puppy just died. nobody on screen paid this any mind, so i just kind of forgot about it. UNTIL megan's interview with sharon (just before she insulted ozzy and sharon threw a drink on her and kicked her ass) -- this is when i heard brandi c scream-crying in the background. from the sound of it, she had been taken backstage. again, nobody on camera acknowledged this at all. when they panned back to the gaggle of contestants in their seats, brandi c was mysteriously absent.

did anybody see/notice this? what was brandi c freaking out about? did she know megan was trashed, which could only lead to trouble? (brandi c and megan's bff-ness is a love story for the ages) did her puppy actually die? will i ever know the answer?