This week Jersey nightlife magazine Steppin' Out features Michelle Bombshell in a Sicilian…
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Snooki's wannabe famous, allegedly murderous domestic abuser boyfriend proposed to her on the cover of trashiest magazine in AmericaSteppin' Out. (Shouldn't that violate their contracts with MTV or something?) Jeff Miranda says the magazine cover will surprise Snooki, but "once she deals with the shock I think she'll say yes." If your proposal requires the phrase "once she deals with the shock," maybe think twice before you do it? Here's a quote from Steppin' Out's press release:

The ex Iraq war vet decided to announce his desire to marry Snooki by having the magazine put his proposal on the cover while he gets down on one knee, shirtless and in his dessert [sic] fatigues.

Is it even possible to be an ex-veteran? Anyway, Snooki and Jeff: The greatest love of our shamelessly attention-seeking, blithely misogynistic fameball times. [Radar]

Arrested for cocaine possession while hanging out in a cloud of marijuana in her boyfriend's Cadillac Escalade, Paris Hilton is "not worried about it." She's a pro at slipping out of drug-related charges, now. Meanwhile, the guy who did her hair that night is now famous, because the hairdo has been immortalized in a mugshot, and boyfriend Cy Waits has been fired from his job as head of nightclub operations for Wynn and Encore. [TMZ, Us, NYDN, E!]

Madonna's adopted Malawian daughter will not meet the man who says he is her father, who probably isn't her father—but if he is, he's a rapist: "The village leadership had no knowledge of a father... the mother was raped and left." Talk about a catch-22 of falsified identities: You might get a shot at meeting the most famous lady in the world, but first you have to let the whole world think you are a rapist. [NYDN]

"You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought," Kim Kardashian told sister Khloe during a joint laser hair removal session. "What did you think my vagina was going to look like?" Khloe asks. "I don't know, I never looked at your vagina," Kim replies. "I thought it was, like, a shaved rashy vagina." Is it just me, or has this scene actually already occurred on this show? Maybe with Kourtney and Khloe? [E!]

The stars of Glee are pissed that they aren't getting royalties from their soundtrack, which was #1 on the Billboard charts, but due to some flukey deal-making cut the performers out of the profits. (Except Corey Montieth who apparently got "400 bucks"? Is that rhetorical, and to rich people $400 is roughly the same as $0?) Apparently Lea Michele is irate and instructing everyone to sign solo deals with Sony's competitors, even though she remains with Sony and has no plan to leave. Even when she's waving the banner of resistance, Lea comes across as a total two-face. [P6]

Miami Heat star Chris Bosh proposed to his girlfriend "outside their new home in Miami at sunset." The ring is ginormous. [P6]

Sandra Bullock helped rebuild a charter school in New Orleans and dedicated it on Sunday. [People]

Speaking of the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian and Sephora are fighting because she was supposed to sell her perfume exclusively at their store, but now she wants to sell it everywhere, including Target and Macy's. [P6]

Saturday Night Live's Jason Sudelkis said he saw January Jones naked, but she says he was just joking. "He's never seen me naked, nor will he after those comments." So they're not dating? Or they are, but leave their socks on during sex? [People]

Did Glee's Naya Rivera really key and egg costar and former lover Mark Salling's car? Asked for comment on the Emmys red carpet, Mark said they should throw a cheeseburger next time, or maybe some mushrooms so he can make an omelette. The set of their show must be really awkward now. [Us]