Like this:

Look it, I don’t know why JayCav broke up, why they are trying to make it work, or if they are going to get back together. Quite frankly, I am not a big fan of Kristin Cavallari. I mean how can I respect a girl who’s entire life has been built around being a bitch in high school. Girls like her are a dime a dozen. Having said that, Jay obviously plays better when he has a sexbomb waiting for him at home. And I enjoy Bears games more when we get camera shots of Jay’s hot celeb girlfriend. So I am on a mission to find him a new one.

The Bears are in London this week, so Jay needs to be hitting on the posh spots and firing hard on Pippa Middleton.

Pippa Middleton really stole the show at the Royal Wedding and that after hours party pic almost broke the internet. I think most chicks would rather be with an NFL quarterback(even a shitty one like Jay) over a stupid prince so Pippa would have one up on her sister. It makes too much sense not to happen.

Well it’s actually six predictions, but Clubber Lang is bringing you one…

1. Bears get off to a quick start.

This is probably the biggest game for the Lions in the last 20 years. Ford Field will be electric. I think the Lions are a little too amped up. I think they have a couple costly penalties, missed tackles from over aggressive angles, and maybe a turnover as they settle into the game.

2. Matt Forte is targeted at least 10 times in the passing game

Forte is by far the Bears best offensive weapon, but running him into the teeth of the Lions defense is probably not the best way to get him the ball today. If the Bears can get Forte matched up against linebackers and safeties, it gives their offense its best chance.

3. Megatron goes NUTS

Lets be honest here…Megatron is a FREAK. The Bears don’t have anybody that can stick with him and safety help really can’t be relied upon because Hollaman and Major Wright are both morons. Calvin Johnson is going to get his. The Bears need to make sure they aren’t burned by the likes of Jahvid Best, Burleson, and Pettigrew

4. Bears will turn the ball over at least two times

Communication always seems to be an issue for Cutler, the line, and his receivers. Add in what should be the most hostile crowd they have faced in a long time and it should lead to big time pressure on Jay. He will probably force a couple of throws and he will be sacked repeatedly of course. One of those sacks will cause a fumble.

5. SCORE: Bears-21 Lions-27

Home field advantage and the fact that the Lions are just more talented than the Bears adds up to a hard-fought divisional win for the Lions. That team is looking solid. They win tonight and I think you can punch their playoff ticket.

(Forbes)–To compile our list of America’s most dangerous cities, we used the FBI’s uniform crime report for 2010, which tallies crime data for each of the country’s metropolitan statistical areas, regions that usually consist of a large city and its suburbs or clusters of closely linked smaller cities, and metropolitan divisions, which are core areas within some of the larger MSAs. Because small fluctuations in crime numbers can produce outsize jumps in rates in smaller metropolitan areas, we looked at MSAs with a population of 200,000 or more. We used the FBI’s numbers for four categories of violent crimes: murder and non-negligent manslaughter; forcible rape; robbery; and aggravated assault. It’s commonly expected that crime will rise as economic conditions worsen, but that hasn’t been the case in the U.S. – violent crime has fallen for the past four years. In 2010, murder was down 4%, rape fell 5%, robbery dropped 10%, and aggravated assault fell 4%, according to the FBI. “There’s a complex series of forces at work behind these rates,” says Tom Blomberg, dean of the College of Criminology and Criminal Justice at Florida State Univeristy. “The state of the economy, demographics, the number of young males at any given time, the rate of imprisonment and the number of police all factor in.”

Ok, so everyone already knew Detroit was the worst city in America, but I didn’t know it was the most dangerous. At least Detroit has that going for them. So here is the real question. Is Jay Cutler more likely to get killed on the field by Suh or by walking down the streets of Detroit?

Ok so both Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are on TV once per week, trying to do their best to make their ex jealous…and so far its been like the 1992 USA Basketball Dream Team vs Angola. Kristin Cav dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and quick-stepped all over Jay Cutler’s heart. I watched the Bears vs Panthers game and Jay Cutler looked depressed as hell. He looked totally disinterested. Every time the camera showed Jay on the sidelines he was moping around with this real pathetic look on his face. He didn’t even have the energy to cuss out the QB coach, Lovie, Martz, or small children. He is just so rattled by Kristin looking like hot hot fire on national TV every week. Reports are that they “trying to work it out”. That’s like saying Palestine agrees to a cease-fire with Israel after they get the shit bombed out of them for a couple of weeks. Its time for them to get back together because I don’t think Jay can take too much more of this. Samba dance tonight for the win.

Jesus, as if Jay’s week couldn’t get any worse. The guy gets basically murdered for 60 minutes in New Orleans and now he has to see his sexbomb ex-girlfriend just strut her stuff right in America’s eye. I want to hate Kristin Cavallari for what she did to Jay Cutler, but hips don’t lie and that girl KILLED Dancing With The Stars last night. No getting around it.

Jay is just so depressed that he is doing anything to get Kristin Cav back. I mean look at this tweet between the two of them from yesterday:

I can just picture Jay sitting in an ice bath, crushing whiskeys and pain-killers, and sending out this tweet to try and get his life back together. Jay+Cav=Division Champs. Jay – Cav=getting killed by the Saints. Poor Jay.

Well thank you Peyton Manning for taking the title of biggest bitch in the NFL away from Jay Cutler. Fans, media, and other NFL players just straight murdered Jay Cutler for months because he wasn’t able to play on an MCL that was hanging by a thread. Jay’s injury was a direct result of a gutless cheap shot by the Packers, and Peyton’s is probably from reading cue cards or looking up in the standings at Tom Brady. Where is the mob with torches and pitchforks on twitter and ESPN calling out Peyton for being soft? All I ever hear about is how smart he is and how quick his release is and how he never gets hit. Well if he didn’t get hit why is his neck sore? Sounds to me like he needs an Advil and a tempurpedic pillow. Jay Cutler is about 100 times tougher than Manning.

PS: An Indy media guy I know is saying Peyton may be out for the entire season. Let’s say that’s not true, but Manning misses more than just week 1. How many games can Manning miss before the Colts are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs? 2 games? Maybe 3?