Funnest thing to hear during a game...

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So in our ongoing Rogue Trader game I, as rogue trader, was summoned to a cloak and dagger meeting during a formal banquet by the inquisition. I attended with my seneschal and 1st officer (the void master), leaving the radical explorator (interfaced with one too many xenos data-matrices) and the surly chief bosun (an arch-militant from a desert death-world) outside. Now at previous formal events the chief bosun has migrated towards the canapés, so this time i outright said to the chief bosun and explorator to go wait by the canapés.

"Go wait by the canapés. Don't talk to anyone and keep an eye on eachother."

Cut to midway through the clandestine meeting, and our GM turns to the bosun and explorator and tells them they spot the canapés. Cue me giggling as the bosun rushes over to them.

Also a little later on, the bosun is handed a letter containing a message from an old criminal contact of hers. Upon learning that a crime lord is threatening her and claims that he can reach her even on our ship she responds thusly.

"Right, i'll go back to the ship and intimidate the crew into giving up who the informants or spies are."

Fortunately after a little cajoling we convinced her not to inform the entire crew that she's being blackmailed. Instead she sends a response to the crime lord along the lines of 'bring it on'. A month or so later we get a cholera outbreak onboard the ship and upon investigation find one of the crew dead in one of the water storage tanks, with the line 'i told you i could reach you' carved into his flesh.

I feel sorry for how badly the bosun handles social interaction, but the player has chosen not to advance Fellowship or train social skills, sticking to a high Strength and Intimidate skill. Still, untill she learns decieve or charm i am not bringing her to any further meetings. This meeting just gone we only survived a commisar with loaded bolt pistol because i talked our way out of it (80 fellowship, charm at +20, peer for just about everything ever).

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I think our best moment was once when the acolytes were on a hive world to stop a series of daemonic rituals that wound have allowed a minor warp rift to form.

The acolytes under orders from one of their Inquisitors fellow acolytes (in reality a Daemonhost sent by their arch-enemy) had to destroy an alter dedicated to each of the four chaos gods, having destroyed three of the four shrines (khorne, Slaanesh and Tzeentch) they arrived at the Nurgle shrine.

At each shrine they have encountered one or more lesser daemons belonging to that particular god that was summoned as a last defence which was defeated without any character losing more than a couple wounds. as the acolytes prepares to engage whatever foul monstrosity this shrine will unleash the group's two metres and ten tall feral worlder with the muscles to wrestle with an ork and come out victorious brandises his not-so-subtlely enhanced great-mono weapon and prepares to fight.

I then describes how about a dozen small nurglings, not reaching to heigher than halfway up to acolytes' knees, comes half rolling half whoobling out to meet them, even showing them pictures from the old chaos marine codex. the players all bust out laughing, the feral worlder even proclaming the small fat bowlingballs of pus to be "cute". Readying their weapons with a "piece of cake" expression on their faces the acolyte attack the nurglings.

About five rounds later the huge feral worlder lies on the ground, having lost his weapon, swarmed by at least five-seven nurglings and having gone from 12+ wounds to near death on the critical table from small inconspicuous infected wounds and having to burn a Fate Pont to survive while his fellows fight in panic before finally eradicating the kast of the little mosters.

since this little incident with those malignant small critters whenever the acolytes encounter something that either appears cute, innocent or somehow little threat or if any character asks the question "how dangerous could it be?" the feral worlder utters his new catch phrase:

"Never underestimate a nurgling!"

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In the second mission into an online campaign, the acolytes were following the trail of clues as they led onto a train. However, having triggered an alarm in their investigation (and already having killed and looted two enforcers), the law was hot on their tails. They hop on the next train but it is set to wait for a certain ammount of time (which will coincidently allow the pursuing enforcers to board).The following is an account of the subsequent happenings:

As you wait, you hear, "They're on the train! Stop them!" as a few enforcers are running toward the train, weapons drawn.[Tech-Priest] ducks so he's out of sight.[Assassin] looks around after hearing the words and, not seeing [Arbitrator] anywhere but not having time to worry about it, kneels down behind a seat.[Psyker] puts the Enforcer Microbead in his ear and says, "Negative, enforcer, they took the ventilation shaft to the left."[Psyker] ((roll Deceive?))[GM] ((sure, +10 since they didn't saw you or suspect you))[Psyker] rolls [ 40% (or Lower) : 19%, Success ]"Those gatters...GIVE'EM LEAD BOYS!" BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM The Ventilation shaft gets peppered by lead as the train door hisses and closes.

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In the second mission into an online campaign, the acolytes were following the trail of clues as they led onto a train. However, having triggered an alarm in their investigation (and already having killed and looted two enforcers), the law was hot on their tails. They hop on the next train but it is set to wait for a certain ammount of time (which will coincidently allow the pursuing enforcers to board).The following is an account of the subsequent happenings:

As you wait, you hear, "They're on the train! Stop them!" as a few enforcers are running toward the train, weapons drawn.[Tech-Priest] ducks so he's out of sight.[Assassin] looks around after hearing the words and, not seeing [Arbitrator] anywhere but not having time to worry about it, kneels down behind a seat.[Psyker] puts the Enforcer Microbead in his ear and says, "Negative, enforcer, they took the ventilation shaft to the left."[Psyker] ((roll Deceive?))[GM] ((sure, +10 since they didn't saw you or suspect you))[Psyker] rolls [ 40% (or Lower) : 19%, Success ]"Those gatters...GIVE'EM LEAD BOYS!" BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM The Ventilation shaft gets peppered by lead as the train door hisses and closes.

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As a GM I often have to deal with my players and the 'plans' they come up with that have nothing to do with the storyline.

It was a couple of weeks ago that their plans ended up with the groups scum being held captive by a commisar who had decided he needed to be executed for his crimes. A group of guardsman dragged him out into the middle of the town square where the commisar pointed his plasma pistol at his head and asked:

Commisar: Do you have any last words before I render justice on you!

Scum: I leave my fate to the god emperor

When I said that he was killed but could burn a fate point to survive (Somehow) the player calmly asked: Could you roll to see if he hits me, his BS is 30 and the bonus of 60 is 90, there is a ten percent chance he could fail. I rolled and got a 100. The entire group fell out of their chairs as the commisar burned his hand off. The groups cleric proclaimed it as a miracle. The scum waited a moment and then picked up the plasma pistol. The guardsman let the group leave, unsure what to do in the face of such divine intervention.

Other great qoutes:

"I cut the daemon's heart out and eat it"

A: "I am low on ammo!"B: "Try hitting your targets more often and we will give you more ammo"

A: "Can someone help me here?"B: "I will help you for 5 thrones"A: "I hate it when the scum rolls really low on his monthly income"

A: "who has the grenades?"B: "They do"

A: "everyone run!"B: shoots A in the legA: "what was that for?"B: "you can run faster than me, this is my best hope"

and lastly, the moment that nearly killed me...A: "ok we need to make a plan"B: "whenever we make a plan, someone nearly dies"C: "well, how about this time we just run in and play it by ear, fast and loose, everyone for themselves, three musketeers style, moment of badassness, and let it all hang out"A: "ok, we'll try that this time."B: "but none of that makes sense"C: "There is just no pleasing you"

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A: "Inquisitor. I have a really bad idea. Lets dress up as cultists infiltrate the concert, get the ambassador and run like hell."B: "That's the worst idea I've ever heard! ...Lets do it."

A Rogue Trader captain(PC) with a vindicare assassin(NPC) on board.

Captain: I put up notes randomly around the ship asking the vindicare to please stop randomly scaring the crew.GM: After a while it stops.Captain: I put up notes randomly saying thank you. And then I appease the vindicare spirit with a fruit basket.

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we were playing Vampire the Requiem, and one of the characters played a vampire who still tried to maintain a relationship with his mortal Girlfriend. We had a run in with some Belial's Brood Vampires, and he got stabbed in the ass, and the knife got stuck.

Back at the Mansion he shared with his girl (and doubled as our Haven)

"Stay still! this'll be over before you know it!"

"do I have to be bent over for this?"

"Yes!" *i gave him some of my blood to keep him going* "now quit yapping and Swallow!"

*and right after i say that, i duck down to pull out the knife, and his girl busts in*

"What's going on in here?!"

"sarah, this is not what it looks like"

*this is interrupted by him howling as i pull the knife out of his left cheek, and pop up clutching the bloodied blade*

"Got it! see? told you it'd be over before- *then i notice she's in the room* ooooooooooh....How much of that did she hear?'

"everything"

"sarah, this is not what it looks like.

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Last sunday, one of my groups (which is slowly turning radical) was bartering with a witch coven (renegade psykers) for an item. They did reveal they are from the Inquistion but claimed that they do mean no harm "and do not try anything rush and stupid now. We left one of us behind, he knows where we went and he is not so stupid that he would not figure out what happend if we do not return".

The other players supressed a laughing fit.. because the pc they left behind (a player that did not show up this sunday) was the feral world guardsman who is ...well, not employed for doing any math or thinking... or anything.

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I suppose one of my funniest moments was during a Warhammer Fantasy RP campaign. One of our players played a Brettonian knight in the Empire and always had a knack for 'heroic' speeches. In each case, the party was in Altdorf, where just out of the city there were three encampments, one of Imperial forces, one of a ragged bunch of Sigmarite flagellants and one of Gypsies. Being Warhammer, the flagellants were not all that happy to have a camp of gypsies close and the situation was rather explosive. This poor fellow decides that he will intervene and will give a rousing speech to the Sigmarites, to divert their attention from the poor gypsies and focus it on the true enemies. He starts of with a whole story about the Empire being destroyed by chaos and that even he as a Brettonian came here to aid them in the fight. After whipping them up nicely, he ends with a "Let the cleansing begin" and then stares in abject terror how the infuriated mass of flagellants rushes the gypsies.....

Friedrich van Riebeeck, Navigator Primus, Heart of the Void

P.S. Out of Warhammer, I thoroughly disapprove of having gypsy encampments being cleansed by fanatical flagellants. But the look of utter surprise was worth it.

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So we recently restarted our Deathwatch game and one of our players has started a Grey Knight army for tabletop 40k so we fudged the rules a bit and made him a Black Shield from the Grey Knights (and is a Intercepter); our other PC is a Salamander Librarian with a psyber dragon as a familiar in place of a gun, and I'm a Storm Warden Apothecary with a a Sacris Claymore turned power sword. (and bad Scottish accent)

Some of the highlights of the game as we investigated a Genestealer infestation:

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Me and 4 friends play The Haunting of Harrowstone, a story published by paizo. As the party enters the humble and very atmospheric town of Ravengro, our GM is quick to establish a sense of ambient hostility and a genuine sense of wrongness with the place. This mood persist through the entirety of the evening until our party enters the Ravengro square.

GM: "...In the center of the square is a Gazebo"

Party: *snicker*

GM: *?*

Ranger: *snicker* "has it seen us?"

Party: "HAHAHAHA!"

GM: *facepalm*

The tale of the legendary Gazebo came to haunt my GM's scenario, abruptly killing any sense of looming terror and replacing it with childish snickering for about half an hour.

Warhammer Fantasy:

Our party, led by our Bretonian Knight of the Realm, were resting in Estallia on our trip home from Araby, taking advantage of the hospitality of a local Don. As we get settled in, the celestial wizard notices the proportions of the estate seems off, and the shallyan agrees. We discuss whether we want to draw attention to this and risk being rude to our host, or if we should just assume the worst and sleep with a knife under the pillow.

We agree to the latter, and go to bed. During the night every partymember except the shallyan and the celestial wizard (who had the willpower not be transfixed in their sleep) were raped by something unspeakable. They didn't realize before morning, at which point the Shallyan had a whole lot of work cut out for him. As the shallyan is tending to the Bretonian knight, while the celestial wizard is trying to figure out what exactly happened, everyone is in a general state of shock and a very heavy mood has set on the party.

Then our last partymember, the Estallian Diestro/Highwayman with a libido the size of a ship, comes walking down the hallway, knocks twice and enters while whistling 'zip a dee doo dah'. The party stares in puzzlement and he looks back, equally confused at their looks.

Estallian: "What?"

Sergeant: "What are you so happy about"

Estallian: "I had a great nights sleep"

Celestial Wizard: "you did what?"

Estallian: "look, what seems to be the problem?"

Sergeant: "What the PROBLEM is? I'll tell you WHAT THE BLOODY PROBLEM ..."

Shallyan: "WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP OR GET OUT WHILE I'M TENDING TO THE LORD'S JUNK!?"

Party: *stunned silence*

20 minutes passed before everyone had stopped laughing and we were able to get back into the game.

Deathwatch:

our deathwatch team consisted of 2 stormwardens, 1 bloodangel, 2 spacewolves and 1 ultramarine. As we boarded an Ork ROK to take out the greenskins, our Stormwarden Techmarine suggests we take out the powercore for the most efficient and quick kill, likely blowing up the ROK with all the greenskins still on it.

All the way down to the core my lumbering Ultramarine Devastator didnt fire a single shot, our approach being one of swift and efficient takedowns, rather than actual stompy fights. Our two spacewolves are cracking jokes about this all the way down, saying stuff like "Hah, Ultramarines" and "Lot of good that oversized sewing machine is doing you". My Ultramine takes these slurs stoically, running silently with his companions.

As we reach the powercore there is a profound absense of orks, so I take up an overwatch position covering most of the room from a railing halfway up the walls. Our spacewolves snicker to eachother and the rest of the party proceeds to the reactor to place explosives. At this point the cunning Boss of the orks and his Boyz spring from hidden doorways and loose floorplating and attacks the party. They are instantly surrounded, and have stand and fight, back to the reactor, with the timer on the explosives ticking down. The boss lands a swing on the spacewolf skyclaw and he and his fellow spacewolf, a tactical marine, retaliate and does close to no damage to the giant Ork whatsoever. At this point i raise my hand to the gm and announce that I wish to take the shot my overwatch action afforded me, and that I wish to target the Boss.

I do a little over 240 damage, opening up on the Boss with a stream of heavybolter - fire so intense that my GM (who ran Deathwatch for the first time) just sat there openmouthed and finally announced that the only thing left was the boots of the Ork Boss. With sustained fire from my heavy bolter we kill the ambush in a little over 5 rounds, with plenty of time left to escape. As we ran back through the ROK, our spacewolves were simply staring at my devastator, whereupon I smile warmly at them and say.

"You know, a lesser man would comment on the 'lot of good' your weapons did you. Can you imagine that? "

Both spacewolves ran in red-eared silence until we were back on our strike-vessel. It was very satisfying XD

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Walking through an abandoned manufactory we are stopped by a ganger type who blocks our way. He indicates to the surrounding area and says "you're surrounded, drop your weapons and come with me".

At this I jump forward in my chair, point at the gm, screw up my face and in my best loud feral world assassin voice spit out "F#$K you, you and you buddies put down your fraken weapons and we won't have to f$%ken kill you all!"

Everyone at the table was stunned for a moment, then burst out laughing, the gm conceded that no dice rolling was needed at that point, and the ganger suggested we all keep our weapons and go to meet his employers. Much nicer. The pack order had been established with the npcs in-game and so everyone got along nicely after that.

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Our guardsmen goes first and shoots the blood letter with his shotgun. He rolls a rightous fury, gets another 10 and another 10 doing around 36 damage and so and taking out the blood letter in one hit(this was before I knew about sanctified weapons and such)

Me:....

Psyker: He just killed it in one hit...thats not supposed to happen is it?

Me: Yeah....

Assasin: That was the 'sub-boss' of this mission

Me: Yeah.....

Psyker: Are you okay?

Me:.....

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Our guardsmen goes first and shoots the blood letter with his shotgun. He rolls a rightous fury, gets another 10 and another 10 doing around 36 damage and so and taking out the blood letter in one hit(this was before I knew about sanctified weapons and such)

Me:....

Psyker: He just killed it in one hit...thats not supposed to happen is it?

Me: Yeah....

Assasin: That was the 'sub-boss' of this mission

Me: Yeah.....

Psyker: Are you okay?

Me:.....

I had something similar in one of my missions. the acolytes are investigating a mysterious creature that has killed a lot of personel on an jungle research base. after some search they find the creture that turns out to be a Lictor, the deadly boss of the mission that I expect to nearly kill them all in a epic boss fight where they flee into the jungle followed by the lethal monster.

Surprise Round: the lictor jumps out of cover and strikes the psyker.

First Round: the arbite fire at the lictor... with an Autopistol... gets about four-five hits, three of which were Rightious Fury (one even a douple fury).

The arbite then walks over and put the last round through the Lictor's head,

While I sit there with an "What the **** just happend?" expression not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

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There was tough battle ensuing at the moment and one player got hungry and decided to make sandwich. When he was putting butter back to fridge he dropped the butter to the floor from where it "exploded" (for finding any better explanation is hard) on GM's feets. Everyone just stared some time until I just said:

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My first session as GM with only 2 players, one Arbite and one Assassin. The Assassin however is illiterate and found it more crippling then first assumed.

Assassin: "So, let's go to habstack 717!"GM "You don't know the way there"Assassin "are there any street signs?"GM "yeah, there are some run down and rusted street signs"Assassin "alright, I'll follow those then!"GM "Follow them where? You can't read..."Assassin "oh, right..."Arbite /facepalm "how about I lead us around?

Later they found a dataslate in the villains lair

Assassin "Is there anything useful on it?"GM "jugding by where you found it that would be my guess"Assassin "cool, I'll try searching then!"GM "you still can't read.....or write"Assassin "this sucks!"Arbite "just give me that...."

Later they also had to access a computer, with the assassin being a hive worlder had tech trained I had them both roll. The Arbite rolled to see i he was able to explain what the various things were good enough and the assassin to see if he could actually get the job done (degrees of success or failure on the arbite's part would affect the difficulty of the assassins job)

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Couple weeks ago the party psyker rolls a 9 on one of his powers. He rolls the percentiles and rolls a 1. While I am digging out the charts the party artbit says, "Oh, with it being that low the result is going to be something like a demon farts in the distance.....'

Pull the chart out and a roll of 1 is:

1–3 Dark Foreboding: A very faint breeze blows past the Psyker and those near him, and everyone gets the eeriefeeling that something unfortunate has just happened somewhere in the galaxy.

Much laughter followed.

Was just checking Psychic Phenomena Table and I Psyker would have rolled 6-8 Your group would have propably burst lung.

6-8 Unholy Stench: the air around Psyker becomes permeated with Bizarre and Foul smell

**** you Nurgle

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Couple weeks ago the party psyker rolls a 9 on one of his powers. He rolls the percentiles and rolls a 1. While I am digging out the charts the party artbit says, "Oh, with it being that low the result is going to be something like a demon farts in the distance.....'

Pull the chart out and a roll of 1 is:

1–3 Dark Foreboding: A very faint breeze blows past the Psyker and those near him, and everyone gets the eeriefeeling that something unfortunate has just happened somewhere in the galaxy.

Much laughter followed.

Was just checking Psychic Phenomena Table and I Psyker would have rolled 6-8 Your group would have propably burst lung.

6-8 Unholy Stench: the air around Psyker becomes permeated with Bizarre and Foul smell

**** you Nurgle

Lol I told the psyker in my game that if he ever rolled a i would make his spleen explode. A few seconds later he rolls for the heal power and roll a 1. I told him take a toughness test or pass out while grining. He asked me why I had his spleen explode and I said i thought it was funny. now his charecter doesn;t have a spleen to use