With April Fools’ Day just around the corner, it appears that the meat, egg, and dairy industries have been playing us for fools all year-round. Their more remarkable hoaxes include “California’s happy cows,” “Free-range chickens,” and “Humane slaughter.” All lies.

Less fun is the stuff they never talk about. Like the hundreds of millions of chickens crammed seven into a cage designed for one, unable to move or spread their wings. Or their hundreds of millions of male counterparts ground up live at birth and fed to other chickens, or just dumped into plastic garbage bags to suffocate slowly. Or the miserable breeding sows producing millions of piglet per year while trapped in tiny steel cages.

All in the spirit of year-round April Fools’ Day, the meat industry has even developed a whole dictionary of fun terms to fool unwary consumers. Those filthy cesspools of animal waste that poison downwind neighbors with putrid odors? They call them “lagoons.” And to make sure that kids don’t confuse the pig flesh on their plate with “Babe” or “Wilbur,” they call it “pork.”

Ah, those meat industry folks are such kidders. But they won’t be fooling American consumers much longer. Anyway, happy April Fools’ Day, everyone!

Billy Templeton
Barre, VT

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