"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them" Maya Angelou

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Nothing stays the same!

My mantra ever since I started meditating regularly has been, “Nothing stays the same, Everything is always changing!” I repeat this truth over and over when my eyes are closed.

I practise a form of insight meditation called Vipassana in which you close your eyes and sit with all the sensations and thoughts that come up. You focus on the different parts of your body as you meditate and sweep your focus across your body from head to toe repeatedly. The idea is that you remain neutral to all sensations; good or bad. You don’t form any attachments because you notice that the sensations and thoughts are all constantly changing.

I have witnessed this change in my own emotions in real life.

Last week I had a therapy session in which I talked about many painful things that were so wrapped up in shame that I had never dared tell anyone before. They were hard things to talk about as they made me feel like I was such a bad person. My therapist as usual reacted in her very non-judgemental, compassionate and rational way. This gave me the space to utter these things and let them go. It felt good to finally talk about them and to hear that they were all a natural response to being sexually abused at such a young age.

The following day, I felt awful. I felt sick, and a heavy sadness took hold of my body. It was like I was seeing the world through a filter and I felt misunderstood and paranoid. I know that this was a result of the therapy session. At the time, it felt like I would feel that way forever.

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12 thoughts on “Nothing stays the same!”

I just want to give you a big ((hug))! That shit is toxic!! The shame can make you sick forever. Let it go sweetie. Keep talking about it. Writing…meditating. We all have to find our own way out, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grab onto the hands of those around us who extend theirs, in genuine love and understanding. I’m so proud of you ❤️

Being touched, fondled, raped, molested, and on and on for me, at early ages, from age 8-11yrs, re-wired my nervous system and my sexual responses. Sex? Yuck. I don’t know what the things that shamed you so but you were able to talk about in therapy, but I just wrote a comment on another blog about how my sexual responses were awakened too early developmentally.

That brought great shame to me then because I did not know the body was made to respond to soft gentle sexual touches. It just made me bad and to blame.

Part of my longings to be someone else had to do with the desire for a healthy response to sex. What must that be like? Mine was re-wired, tarnished, by Chet and the others. They took that away from me permanently and left so much shame and self-blame behind them in me by their actions.

Images of rape on TV excite me. That’s how sex was introduced to me so that’ s understandable. There, I said it. Can you still accept me?
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Hugging my little boys brought a sexual response in my body which bothered me enough to ask my therapist if that were normal. I already knew the answer would be, no. But at least I aired the fact that it happened to me, which was scary at the time.

He just said, ‘Notice it and move on.’ That lifted a heavy burden, a very heavy, heavy burden. I mean, GOD, who does that? What kind of a freaking monster am I that I feel sexual when I hug my little child. My brothers made ME feel like a perverted- pig- monster, like them.

Sexual, soft touching from brothers I loved and trusted made my first sexual responses during their attacks relate to love of any kind from then on in that way. That wasn’t my fault. They took my innocent love for a brother and connected it to sex, so that all future feelings of all non-sexual type love brought a sexual response. So I closed down, wouldn’t have it. No love for me for anyone.

Wouldn’t have it where it was acceptable either, boyfriends, and my husband. Just shut down. No loving feelings in me for anyone- too dangerous. That is a lot to lose.

I am so grateful for your honesty and I can relate to everything you have said. These are hard hard things to think about let alone say to others because we have so much shame and guilt attached to them. Yes my shame is partly about being made to feel things way before my time. It wasn’t my fault because I did what i learnt. I also uncomfortable around men in general and feel sexual feelings from non-sexual encounters. I misunderstand cues and relate everything to sex when it comes to men. That’s why I because super good and stayed far away from boys untily husband! It’s horrible that we and many other women have had to suffer like this and have been hard wired in this way against our will. It is a profound loss of innocence and perversion of everything!

I’m learning that when I tap into integrating the years of sexual abuse I suffered from as a child — finding my voice and talking about it — helps me feel free. And then, much like you described, the next day I feel exhausted. I think that the exhaustion is in a way a buffer from fear. Freeing ourselves feels good, feeling good can be scary if you’ve been abused. Feeling good almost feels risky because you don’t know when you’re going to be robbed of it, or put in your place or hurt. I’m always flooded with fear after. So moving towards freedom is never simple, it’s compounded and messy. Do you know what I mean? It leaves you depleted and afraid. At least for me it does. I know it passes, but I don’t like it. What a journey, right?

Thank you visiting and commenting on my site! The feeling of fear you describe is very familiar. As I move out of the heavy silence and shame there is a great feeling with an edge of fear and guilt to it. I think you articulate the riskiness of feeling good very well. I think its also because when you have been abused a child you are somehow hard wired to believe that you don’t deserve the good or that it will be taken away very soon. I feel scared too when things are going well and guilty too! What should be moments of triumph are tempered by feelings of guilt and anxiety! it is indeed a difficult journey! I send you lots of warm wishes on your journey. keep sharing your thoughts, it has really helped me already!