~~ Beauty contests didn't start in Hollywood or Atlantic City or Miami.
They began when the second woman arrived on Earth.

☼

~~ I knew the warning signs, I was having a heart attack!
There was no phone in our trailer and my husband wasn't due
back for hours.
Lulu my potbellied pig, nuzzled my head.
She could see I was in trouble.
Stress wasn't good for her.
I tried to get her away.
"Go night- night," and she trotted out of the room.
Minutes later I heard a young man's voice at the screen door.
"Hello? Anybody home?"
"Help," I called weakly.
"I'm having a heart attack."
The young man called 911 and the ambulance came.
Later I learned that Lulu had forced her way out the doggie door
and broken through the enclosed porch.
Then she waddled to the middle of the road, rolled onto her back,
and stuck all four legs straight up in the air.
That brought the next driver to a halt.
Lulu led the young man to our door.
Maybe pigs can't fly, but some of them are angels just the same.

☼

~~ Gus sez; Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

☼

~~ When John applies for a driver's licence, he is asked to take an eyesight test.
The optician points to a card on the wall with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ
and says to John, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replies John, "The man's my best friend."

☼

~~ Teacher: Why are you late to class?
Student: Because of a road sign, I have to pass on the way!
Teacher: And what has the sign got to do with it?
Student: It says, "School ahead, go slow."

☼

~~ In these tough times, there are certain things we must all learn
to stint on.
Toilet paper, though, is not one of them.
Waitrose, a high-end British supermarket, wants to turn your toilet into
a throne with toilet paper made from cashmere.
And the store is selling it for the unprincely sum of $3.60 for a four-pack.
"It's the little luxuries that put a smile on your face,"
says a company spokesman.

☼

~~ They say that when you have a baby,
you lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year,
but it’s worth it when they’re old enough to do the yard work.

~~ If you feel depressed you shouldn't go out on the street, because it will show on your face and you'll give it to others. Misery is a communicable disease.

☼

~~ Beauty contests didn't start in Hollywood or Atlantic City or Miami.
They began when the second woman arrived on Earth.

☼
~~ I knew the warning signs, I was having a heart attack!
There was no phone in our trailer and my husband wasn't due back
for hours.
Lulu my potbellied pig, nuzzled my head.
She could see I was in trouble.
Stress wasn't good for her.
I tried to get her away.
"Go night- night," and she trotted out of the room.
Minutes later I heard a young man's voice at the screen door.
"Hello? Anybody home?"
"Help," I called weakly.
"I'm having a heart attack."
The young man called 911 and the ambulance came.
Later I learned that Lulu had forced her way out the doggie door
and broken through the enclosed porch.
Then she waddled to the middle of the road
rolled onto her back, and stuck all four legs straight up in the air.
That brought the next driver to a halt.
Lulu led the young man to our door.
Maybe pigs can't fly, but some of them are angels just the same.

☼
~~ Gus sez; Hardware:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

☼
~~ When John applies for a driver's licence,
he is asked to take an eyesight test.

☼

The optician points to a card on the wall with the letters
CZWIXNOSTACZ and says to John, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replies John, "The man's my best friend."

☼
~~ Teacher: Why are you late to class?
Student: Because of a road sign, I have to pass on the way!
Teacher: And what has the sign got to do with it?
Student: It says, "School ahead, go slow."

☼
~~ In these tough times, there are certain things we must
all learn to stint on.
Toilet paper, though, is not one of them.
Waitrose, a high-end British supermarket, wants to turn your toilet
into a throne with toilet paper made from cashmere.
And the store is selling it for the unprincely sum of $3.60 for a four-pack.
"It's the little luxuries that put a smile on your face,"
says a company spokesman.

☼
☼
Todays Thought: Do not spoil what you have,
by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now
have was once among the things you only hoped for.

~~ The team had fumbled the ball ten times and dropped a dozen passes.

Watching the game a sub paced the sidelines.
Finally he sat down, but he missed the end of the bench and fell to the ground.
The coach looked at him and said, "I think you're ready to go in!"

☼

~~ When uranium prospectors with Geiger counters first began invading his
region, a Virginian old-timer confided to a visitor:
"I don't know what this is all about.
Fist thing I knew, some feller came, with a Goober counter
and said he was huntin' for geraniums."

☼

~~ One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital,
and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says,
"I am an atomic bomb."
He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away,
he replied, "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"

☼

~~ One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle
and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how
he liked the sermon.

☼

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart,
but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

☼

~~ An native American just set the worlds......record for drinking tea.
He drank 379 cups of tea.
Unfortunately he was found dead in his teapee.

☼

~~ You may have heard the sad story of one of Hollywood's
most famous movie heroes.
He was a renowned oenologist, and invested a goodly part of
his earnings in one of the first wineries in Napa Valley.
However, he also like to "partake of the grape" to excess occasionally.
On one of those occasions he fell off his Horse,
and thereby became the first wine-stoned cowboy.

☼

~~ Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate
callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the
appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen
and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics
would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

☼

~~ Mickey Spillane, addressing a Mystery Writers of America convention,
warned his fans not to look too closely for symbolic depth in his novels.
Of his famous character, Spillane said, "Mike Hammer drinks beer,
not cognac, because I can't spell cognac."

☼

~~ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Gus turns to Pete and asks, "Pete, you ever git them shoes you
ordered from Sears, Robuck?" (Note to the enlightened: It is
not uncommon to hear Sears referred to as Sears, Robuck in
some parts of the country)
Pete says, "Yes, but I had to send'em back".
"Why" Gus asks?
Pete replies, " They didn't send any instructions with'em".

☼

~~ Pete and Gus find three hand grenades and decide to
take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get
there?", asks Gus.
"Don't worry about it", says Pete.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

☼

~~ George Washington wore high-heeled boots, tight satin
pants, a ruffled silk shirt, and a curly wig.
He ran for President in the thirteen colonies and won.
In Waco, Texas, he'd have to run for his life!

☼

~~ Since I got a big insurance policy, when I leave the house
my wife keeps saying, "Take chances!"

☼

~~ A North Carolina school committeeman informed his
neighbor that the school board had decided not to renew the
contract of the man who taught science at the high school.
The neighbor expressed his surprise, saying he understood that
this particular teacher had attended many colleges and earned
many degrees.
The school committeeman replied, "That's the trouble with him.
He has been educated way past his intelligence."

☼

~~ "All right, Andrew," the teacher said to the first-grader,
"let's see you count."
Holding out his hand, Andrew counted off the digits. "One, two,
three, four, five."
Smiling, the teacher said, "Very good, but can you count any
higher?"
Lifting his hand over his head, the boy started over again.

☼

~~ You know you may be in a redneck church when the
preacher asks Bubba to lead the prayer and 17 men stand up.

☼

~~ One fine day, Gus and Pete are out golfing.
Gus slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into
the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but gus searches diligently and
suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a
7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Gus excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Pete, come
here; I've got some trouble down here."
Pete comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls
out: "What's the matter Gus? Everything OK?"
Gus shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron!
Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

☼

~~ After supper one evening, I asked my ten-year-old
daughter, Annette, to wash the dishes, and my nine-year-old
son, Ben to wipe them.
Ben asked. "What about Mark?"
"Mark isn't even three years old," I explained.
"So he doesn't count."
As we talked, I became aware that Mark was speaking in the
background.
I tuned into what he was saying: He was counting from one to
ten, for the very first time.
☼
☼
Todays Thought: To give a man Dignity is above all things.

Life will be pretty bad when one reaches eighty,
especially if there is a state trooper behind the car.

As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40.
For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well.
The group? U2.

☼
~~ "Nice dog. What's its name?"
I asked my friend's 10-year-old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And your cat?"
"Bob."
"How do you keep them straight?"
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy
answered.
"Tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper."

☼
~~ In search of a new shower, my wife and I went to a
bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs in detail with a young saleswoman.
Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion.
Later my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same
young woman was working as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called
to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear,
"Hey, you're the man who needs a shower."

☼
~~ An AD in the paper.....
The pay for this gig is whatever you can haul away:
"Need someone to sit with elderly man.
Must have excellent references and current police record."

☼
~~ What is even smarter than a talking bird?
A Spelling Bee!
What is a cannibal's favourite game?
Swallow the Leader!
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all of his uncles were ants!
Why did the booger cross the road?
Because he was being picked on.

☼
~~ Seeing my 11-year-old perusing a website filled with photos
of Britney Spears, I commented, "She sure is pretty.
Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound
interest in girls.
"I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen.
"Oh, really?" I said. "So, when did you learn to read Spanish?"

☼
~~ It's been a little chilly today.
Would have been a good golf day though.
Not too many Dad's out on the links.
Poor guys have to stay home on Fathers Day.
All male parents should have their kids visit them at the Golf
and County Club for dinner.
They should be through playing by that time.

☼
~~ A schoolteacher, taking her class through a mild general
knowledge quiz, decided to test their knowledge of some of
the old proverbs.
She pointed out one little boy and said.
"Complete this saying. "Cleanliness is next to...?"
"Impossible," said the boy.

☼
~~ Two men were working at a sawmill when one guy got too
close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and
began hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you
doing?"
The first man explained that he had cut off his ear and was
looking for it.
The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit.
He was searching around on his hands and knees and then
hollered, "I found it!"
The first guy took it and examined it closely,
then said, "Keep looking....
Mine had a pencil behind it."

☼
☼
Todays thought; The aim of education should be to teach the child to think,
not what to think..