Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Emotionally Connected Sexuality

There has been some questions lately about what we mean when we say emotionally connected sexuality.

As most of you know we teach emotionally connected or heart-connected sexuality as the best way to achieve a great sexual relationship within the context of a long term monogamous relationship. After the blush of the early hormonal longing and "oh boy I think this is the real thing" dreaming wears off, after the pain of trying to take care of ourselves without the emotional bonds that support our ease and safety gets too painful, after "the honeymoon"we are left with our emotional connection (or lack thereof).

Put simply, emotionally connected sexuality is sexuality that is based on love. We also call it heart-centered sexuality. Here is why this is an essential concept, not only for better sex, but for personal transformation.

At the core, in the most primitive way, sex is about procreation. It is not emotional in its primitive form, let alone loving. It is a biological urge which can be quite unconcerned with the immediate well being of the sexual partner. We recognize this when we hear cats having sex. Our sweet and cuddly kitties — are they trying to kill each other or "making love."

Of course sex for humans is much more than just a biological urge. It is that. But it is much more than that. It is a way to comfort each other, build trust, play, give and receive nurturance, develop intimacy, resolve conflict and stay interested in partnership. For some it is a way in to the sacred.

So we all know that sexuality develops, but there is tremendous confusion about where the development takes us and how to get there. Culturally, at least here in the bay area, there is a great deal of confusion about what evolved sex is. For example, young men and women in my psychology practice believe that the evolved way to be in regard to sex is to have an "open relationship." I have heard so many young people talk about feeling guilty because they just can't do it.

Sexuality develops through the emotional system. It is easy to see this when we think evolutionarily and biologically. As we developed through evolution, animals were sexual first (the hind or primitive brain in humans), then they developed the emotional (limbic) system (mid brain), and then the neo-cortical regions that allows for tool making, extended grouping and complex civilization. One definition of happiness for a human is an integration that combines all of these evolutionary levels in a seamless whole — this is what we mean when we say mind/ body health.

Emotionally connected, or heart-centered sexuality is an integrated model for understanding and creating more evolved sexuality. It is a model for bringing all that we are, our bodily needs, our emotional needs and our higher level needs (e.g., loving kindness) together.