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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Unpublished and Untitled Draft

Hi Everybody,

Today marks the first day of being on my own. My fantastic Mom headed for Seattle and her plane back home at 2:00 AM last night and she should be setting down in St. Louis sometime soon. We will very much miss her and all the help she has provided. (short side note: she found some real joy in Kaite's crafting area and went about creating some cute cards)

Now that we are home alone it will be a challenge to juggle all the aspects of life. As some of you may know I work for the county south of our home so it is a 45 minute commute to work every morning and 45 back at home each night. I would much love to have the hour and a half to devote to the family but I truly feel that while it is a huge waste of time it is outweighed by what we get in return. I love our neighborhood and the feeling of community it provides. I love our schools, Columbia Elementary where the twins are in kindergarten is only a couple of block away and Hunter is walking distance from Whatcom Middle School (newly rebuilt, just reopened this year after burning almost to the ground). We have friends and support here and the boys love where we live. I really don't think uprooting them would do any good in the big picture.

As you can see in the Unpublished Draft below Katie was worried if the boys would think of her. With the twins she pops up all the time, sometimes in strange places. Hunter's birthday seemed like kind of a big deal this year and I was feeling overly generous with the kid. For as long as I can remember he has been asking "will you get me an iPod touch?" and my answer usually goes "No, and don't ask me again or I won't let you buy one with your own money". Well I broke down and got the kid his iPod and he was truly happy and keeps saying something like "isn't this the coolest thing in the world" to which Will finally answered "No, Mom being alive would be the coolest thing in the world".

I recently sold Katie's van and replaced it with the Jeep that Katie and I spent the early summer attempting to buy (long story with upset sales staff screaming obscenities at me). The van was bumming me out as it really was Katie's car and I really didn't like driving it. Following its departure Will and Nate were walking out to the car with my Mom and one of them was heard to say "I miss the van, it reminded me of Mom".

This post was from mid August just after the first round of chemo following our break. Katie wasn't feeling well, wasn't eating well, and was taking lots of pain medication. Looking back I question the break and if it made her condition worse or gave us some chemo free time prior to the end. I know there is no utility to looking back and second guessing the path we took, in the end all possible paths take us to the same location.

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Dear friends,

I feel a bit discombobulated this round of chemo, like its something new yet so familiar. I feel better that I recall, but I don't feel good either. Just a minute ago, I burst out into tear so what you ask... I have no idea. But then, the images of my children popped into my head, especially the ones of the Nate and Will coming into my room and saying they love. That's all they have to say while I'm lying in bed to just absolutely crush my heart. What will they think when I might not be here to have those words said to me. What will they think of me, What about Hunter, will he think I left him in such a precarious time in his life.

And Kevin who will be thrust into this unknown job, family, children dilemma. It hurts me to no end to think that I will be leaving him with so much. I know that he can handle anything, but I don't want to leave and I don't want us to be alone and apart. It honestly makes my chest hurt. I don't want to miss all the important things that will happen in their lives and it hurts to no end that I won't be the one that has shaped them into adulthood. I created them and did my best in the beginning, but it won't be me there to push them into the next stage or the stage after that. It won't be me holding their children and their grandhcildren.

And why today do I delve into this deep emotional state? I don' know... I'm not overly depressed right now, I'm not over sick feeling, I just am. I guess I don't want to be alone with out my family, their mine but when I'm gone they won't be anymore.

Who knows what other worldly family I may belong too, but it will still never be the same as MY family.

50 comments:

Glad to hear that your coping so well Kevin. I know it must be scary for you,but you seem to have an abundance of loving friends to help you.Thank you for continuing to share Katie's thoughts with us, but don't feel you have to stop talking to us when her posts run out. I am sure she will be glad to know we are all still here for you too :D XXX

I don't know what to say - would love to have words of wisdom but all i can off is a virtual hug all the way from New Zealand and hope that is some small way it is a comfort to know that there are people out there that only know you all from blogland but that care about you and your family.Thinking of you all and send lots of hugs :-)

Knowing her fears and her concerns makes my heart break.I pray that now she belongs to the family of haven and she is happy although she s not with HER family.Kevin i know it might seem overwhelming sometimes but it seems to me that you handle everything pretty well.You are more than welcome to talk whenever you need to or you need some kind of advice.Take care...

You guys have got to take one day at a time- moving on is hard but it will have it's own rewards as well.To move o not to move is ALWAYS a huge decision and things will become clearer as time goes on, just take your time! As a kid who was moved lots I survived and even benefited from it, I got really good at making friends!Sorry you had to sell Katie's van but cars are such personal choices aren't they?Great to hear your Mum enjoyed playing with Katie's craft stuff- I'm sure she would like that!!Don't forget to look through those scrapbook pages- she put a lot of love into those xxx

Kevin, I am crying, again!! She and I talked about this and it broke my heart then and it does now. Her love for you and the boys was immense and so real! Physically she is not here, but I know her spirit is wrapped around you and the boys, and I felt her with us on Friday!! And now, with the greatest Mom there is going home to Ken, we are here to support you in any way we can, because you and the boys are a part of our family and we love you!!

Kevin, thanks for sharing your story and Katie's. Her words are the words of mother's all around the world. We love our husband, children and our families. How she worried for you all and being alone. Wow, she had a way with words. Take care and God Bless you all.

Kevin,I think you and Katie made many many memories that the boys will cherish forever. Her fear of them not thinking about her will never happen.I'm sure she will be a shining light in their hearts and minds forever as she will in yours. I still think about your family daily. I miss Katie too and am saddened that we never met in person. I am going to my first ever CHA in January and wonder what it would have been like to give our sweet Katie a hug in person. Cancer has taken that chance away hear on earth but I will still get me one when I meet her in Heaven.

Kevin, prayers are with you and the boys. Katie will forever be in their hearts, and as hard as it is for you, it's o.k. when they say things like missing her, it keeps her close to them as time goes by. Unless someone is in your shoes, they cannot tell you how they feel or how to cope or anything else. You do what you need to do! Katie would want that :O) I know my son is raising his 4 children on his own and it's very tough for him. Although their Mom is alive, drugs have taken over her life, and they don't matter to her, so in all reality they don't have a Mom at this point. They deal with a lot of the same emotions. The thing is that they had Katie to teach and love them and that will keep them strong. Hang in there! Prayers!

Today would have been my Mom's birthday. As old as I am, I miss her everyday, and I still tear up. She would have been 80 today. So I can only imagine what your 3 little guys and you are feeling! Stay strong!

You know Kevin, Katie was right, you will manage and you will be fabulous at it, you are already on your way by caving in to Hunter over the iPad,heart strings eh! I often used to say to Katie that she should have been a professional writer as she had a way of leading the reader by the hand and this entry just proves that, an honesty that writers often lack, Katie found so natural.I miss Katie so much yet my sense of loss will be meaningless next to yourself and the boys. Thinking of you all always. your friend Jak x

Thank you again for sharing your lives with us. Many people are praying for your family. I feel sure that Katie's spirit, which was so vital & strong, is still there, even though her physical self is on another plane now. As long as you & your sons remember her, she will be there....and waiting for the time all of you can be together again. I look forward to your post, and hope you will be able to continue to share your lives with us as you can & have time. Just as Katie was such an inspiration, so I am sure you & your boys will be as well. Their Mom & you did a swell job.

I hope you keep writing Kevin because you are good at it. The peek into your life is heart wrenching, painful and uplifting. As I've said before, you are a good man. You deserve a better hand in life but you are dealing with the one you've been dealt. I am sure that your pain is way more than you can express. I hope that knowing that there are folks out there listening helps in a small way.

Kevin, I look forward to reading your story and hope, should you desire to stop posting here, that you'll consider creating your own blog. You all remain in my prayers and I look forward to one day giving you, Katie, and the boys a huge hug when Eternity arrives in His stead. :)

I haven't been back here to visit you since you posted Katie's obituary but I've definitely wondered how you and the boys are doing. It sounds like you're handling everything perfectly. Some spoiling all around would definitely be in order and it sounds like you live in a wonderful place regardless of the commute. It's a bit belated but happy birthday to the boys and I believe there's an early happy birthday wished to you. I truly hope you enjoy it. Best wishes to you all!

Thanks for once again sharing a little bit of Katie with us once again. She was right when she said "you will do fine". You and the boys will find your way as the days pass. You will always miss her, but it will get better and won't hurt your hearts as much as it does now.

Katie's thoughts and words are heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing them. Having had cancer I have wondered those same things -- I've just never had the courage to say it out loud. Those moments of the boys missing their mom are just as heartbreaking -- but I'm so glad to hear that you are all moving forward and making changes, etc to adjust to your 'new' life. Hang in there! I'm sure that although Katie will never be forgotten, the pain of losing her wont feel quite as fresh over time!

It makes my heart hurt to read about the boys missing their mom, but it also reminds me of the wonderful job Katie did while she was here and how she DID shape them to be who they are. I know she didn't want to leave you. I am so glad the boys have you, Kevin, and the other family and friends near them to love on them now and in the days to come. Praying daily for all of you.

Im sure that this is a very difficult time with your mom going home.Maybe the commute is time sort of wasted but as you say it is important that there isnt more upheaval in the boys lives by moving and besides maybe its good time for you to regroup each day.One day at time Im sure that you will work out all the wrinkles.Oh so heart breaking to hear them missing mom so much.You can hear the pain in Katie as she pondered leaving you all, really rips your heart strings.Praying for strength, wisdom and patience as you move forward Kevin!

You all are very lucky to have all the wonderful memories of Katie. Imagine what your lives would have been like if she was not the wonderful caring person she was. Remember hugs work miracles, give and receive a bunch. Hugs, Linda

Arrived home to my wonderful husband and fantastic little Tater dog. This morning it's so hard to get moving not having the incentive of four boys. (son included in that count) Katie is missed in every room of their home and you can't help but think of her every minute. I see in Kevin's eyes the pain he is going through and the little comments from the boys. They each have such strong personalities and miss mom in their own ways. They will all be ok but their lives will never be the same. For the past year we have prayed had our positive thoughts but nothing could help keep Katie with us. She is so missed. They live in a wonderful community and surrounded by caring neighbors. It's good to see Kevin's comments on Katie's blog and a place where he can express his feelings. Hope he will continue. There are so many books written about cancer but I think this blog helped many people. The card community has out done its self with caring cards for Katie and now for the family and Birthdays. Such fun reading and seeing all the creative cards. Gifts for their birthday were so appreciated from all over the world. Thank you for each. Please keep the four boys in your prayers and positive caring thoughts. Grandma

I think this journal entry was the saddest because it expressed so honestly her fear of leaving, and I think it gave a clue that Katie knew what was inevitable. I think this showed her struggle with the acceptance. Just heartbreaking, but it is also an example of her love for her family and how selfless she really was. Hang in there Kevin. . .Hope you keep posting like your Mom said. I think it is good for you and I enjoy reading your thoughts. Hugs to you and the kids. . .Best, Curt

Thank you for sharing another of Katie's posts. Once again, I don't have words to say what I feel. Katie carried so much mentally and emotionally in addition to the physical challenge she faced every day. One just wants to give her a hug.

Wishing you well as you start your new life together without Katie. Nothing will every take away the memory of her and the love you shared. It will be a challenge but as you wrote, you have many friends and support and family who love you. I keep you all in my prayers always.

Kevin, such a change in your own, and your boys lives. I am deeply saddened by this event, and I continue to pray for the 4 of you. Katie is only a thought away. She is with you and the boys always and forever. Stay strong. Make the decisions YOU think are for the best. We are all so happy that you continue to keep us updated, but if it becomes too painful, or you don't have the time, don't feel guilty about that either. We all understand that you have far more important things to do. God Bless You and your precious boys. Karen Allen

Kevin, you are an AMAZING man! Words escape me as I read these posts. All I can do is pray that you and your wonderful boys find your way through this! Thank you for sharing Katie's thoughts with us! Miranda :)

Always looked forward to Katie's post and now look forward to yours. Several things. First, I feel a bit like over stepping boundries but, maybe you need some back up from a stranger. You are right about the drive and keeping the stability for the boys by keeping the same schools and home. Stability is so important to them right now. That is a long way to drive BUT, thoughts and emotions. Adjust on the way to work from Dad to being Mr. Worker and reverse the process on the way home. You will be ready to work when you get there and ready to be Dad when you get home. You have emotions to resolve and so much love to give. Wish we could reassure sweet Katie that she has left a legacy for her family that can not be altered. Love, courage and always a sweet spirit. Please forgive the preaching and unsolicited advice.

I wanted to tell you that when my husband died I eventually gave his chevy to somenone who needed a car. I wrestled with this, but since I couldn't bear to drive it, it made sense to me (it was very old,but his toy). I mention this, as the decisions I made were best for me and my family and you will find you will be doing the same thing. Try not to second guess your treatments etc as I know I spent alot of emotional time doing just that and really, the outcome couldn't be changed. just keep doing what you are doing, you are doing well...it might not seem it all the time, but it really is a journey. It will be 5 years ago that I lost my husband next week and I am aware of it each day, but my life is a good one just different than it was and what I expected.. My step son is my greatest blessing as I know your sons are to you..Sending all the best to you....

Kevin, you continue to be the pillar of strength for your family. You know what is best for your boys so whatever decisions you make, they are the best for your family. It hurt to read Katie's post. Sending loving thoughts & prayers your way...

Kevin, you are a wonderful dad. I wish you all the love and the best that I can give from long distance. Thank you for continuing to post. Katie was our friend and we all love her so much. Katie's post spoke all the fears I have for my 3 little ones. I worry that I be taken away before I'm ready. I was hit by a car riding my bike and it really put a scare into me. All the what ifs for my dear husband and small ones. Good luck in all you do. Your children are so lucky, so many kids dont have the wonderful support and love that you can provide.

Kevin, thanks for sharing so many of your personal thoughts and the posts from Katie with us. I think you know by now that this crafting community considers you and the boys as a part of our families. The hardest part, so I'm told, is when things get back to normal (whatever your new normal is) and when you are alone for the first time. Keep your strength and know that you can do this! It will be different and may take a while to adjust to, but getting back to a routine will help in many ways. Katie's post had me in tears as she so eloquently put into words what most parents would feel going through the same thing. We want to be there to guide our children from one stage to another, be there when they grow up and be able to see how they turn out as adults and it breaks my heart to think that she will not be there in person. Katie's created such a legacy that will continue to live on in your sons for sure though. Don't second guess your decisions Kevin, you both took the path that you felt was the right one at the time and after all we only really have the here and now to make those kinds of choices. I wish you much strength, especially during those difficult times when the children miss their mom! Sending continued thoughts and prayers your way, Hugs, Charlotte

Without any sort of sickness to deal with, I identified so sharply with Katie's worries. If nothing makes you realize your mortality, having children will certainly do so. The minute my children were born it pained me to think there would be a time when I wouldn't see them (even if it was 50 years down the road). And yes Kevin, keep writing. It helps us all who still think of her and your family...

Without any sort of sickness to deal with, I identified so sharply with Katie's worries. If nothing makes you realize your mortality, having children will certainly do so. The minute my children were born it pained me to think there would be a time when I wouldn't see them (even if it was 50 years down the road). And yes Kevin, keep writing. It helps us all who still think of her and your family...

You know, Katie was a very special lady. She touched so many lives! I'm from Argentina, and I've never met her. And I miss her! I can't even imagine how you feel. I just would like to offer you my support. I will send you lots of good thoughts.

Wanted to let you know that I am enjoying your posts. You are good at this blogging too! Hope it is helping you during this difficult time. Katie will always be there with you and the boys. She is looking out for you. I have to laugh at your caving in to the IPod! I wonder what Katie thought of that?! LOL! I never knew Katie, but I wonder if she would be shaking her head at you! LOL!

hi Kevin, its lovely to pop over to katies blog and find a little post from you, my heart goes out to you and the boys but I'm glad to hear you live in a lovely community with support from friends and neighbours. I miss popping over and hearing from Katie, what a trooper she was, such a courageous woman and we will never forget her. I know she's looking down on you and the boys with her beautiful smile. Take care of each other. hugs Donna x

Kevin thank you for sharing with us - I read your moms post and it sounds to me like you are all so loving and caring. When your boys are all grown up they will be able to read this blog and understand this time of their life. It will be something they will cherish. Take Care.

Kevin, you are so thoughtful to continue writing on the blog and sending out little bits of Katie for us all to read. I pray for you and the boys daily, knowing that Katie is watching and guiding you through this difficult time. Please remember that we are all here if you need someone to lean on, you are an amazing man, now we see what Katie was talking about in so many of her posts. God Bless you and the boys.

Just re-read this post from Katie from last August. Breaks my heart. Such a sad thing that her mind as well as her poor little body had to endure so much pain. She is pain-free now and lovingly watching over her family. You will always be a part of them, Katie girl.