Sunday, June 08, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

LeBron James had to come out of the first game of the NBA Finals when he suffered cramping in the 90 degree heat at the AT&T Center in San Antonio. It was the worst cramp in the NBA since Donald Sterling’s toes contracted the first time he heard his taped racial slurs played on the news.

A 315 pound North Carolina man was caught hiding 40 bags of heroin inside his belly button. Which means his whole life of crime could have been avoided if he were only born with an “outie.”

A study says that fasting for three days can regenerate a person’s immune system. The irony is that most people’s immune systems are compromised from being overworked by obesity from eating too much.

A prominent doctor in a new book says being overweight can be good for you. Which is good news for people who find they have gone through two bags of chips and a gallon of ice cream while sitting down to read the book.

Argentina has appointed a new secretary of “national thought.” To which people who think the office brings fascist overtones are saying “What were they thinking?”

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 92 Million Americans are out of the work force. Of course, that includes millions of kids age 4-7 who would all have full time jobs if only there were some domestic Nike factories around.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics says that 92 Million Americans are out of the work force. Ironically, many of them used to work for the Bureau of Labor Statistics while there were still enough jobs to compile information about.

Companies are starting to make hemp-laced medications for dogs. The only question is when your dog lies around the house all day and wants to eat constantly, is it from being stoned or from the fact that it is a dog?

A report says the U.S. fertility rate is not recovering from the U.S. financial crisis and demographers are not sure why. Although the answer might be that after having fewer kids around for a couple of years, people are starting to enjoy the extra peace and quiet around the house.

A study is linking air pollution to schizophrenia. Mostly when people in China wake up to a choking smog and think they are now living in L.A.

The Navy is considering banning tobacco sales from ships and bases. Mostly after it was discovered that during peace time sailors use the artillery canon barrels as ashtrays.

Former UNC basketball star Rashad McCants says he made the dean’s list without attending any classes. Which is completely unfair to non-athletes who can only do that if they enroll at UNLV.

Two high school lacrosse players in Massachusetts were kicked off the team after smoking cigars during their graduation ceremony. Apparently they didn’t know it was against the rules since they were the first athletes there to actually ever graduate.

An 8th grade middle school class in Chicago graduated with nine sets of twins. Education experts were shocked. A Chicago middle school graduated 18 students?

The rate of pet euthanization has increased as fewer people can afford expensive veterinarian procedures. To which health insurance companies are saying “Wait, you can do that?”

A survey says that more than half of all people would drop their cable company if they had a choice. That is, a choice other than reading a book, going outside for some exercise or spending some quality time with the family.

The FDA says the most commonly reported adverse reactions to drugs for men is death. Which is bad except for the men who die because of an adverse reaction to Viagra who at least get to go with a smile on their face.

Hershey is suing a Colorado company that makes edible marijuana products for trademark infringement. Ironically, if it weren’t for marijuana Hershey chocolate sales would drop by at least 72%.

A Singapore man had the winning bid for lunch with Warren Buffett, paying $2.1 Million. The worst part is that he will have to listen to Buffett lecture him for an hour about how only an idiot would pay $2.1 Million for a lunch meeting.

A Singapore man had the winning bid for lunch with Warren Buffett, paying $2.1 Million. Not only that, but the cost doesn’t include the mandatory 18% tip.

A Singapore man had the winning bid for lunch with Warren Buffett, paying $2.1 Million. Spending $2.1 Million to eat lunch with Warren Buffett is not to be confused with watching Chris Christie eat $2.1 Million worth of lunch at a buffet.

Kraft is raising the price of its Maxwell House and Yuban coffee by 10%. Coffee drinkers were surprised. People still buy Maxwell House and Yuban?

Kraft is raising the price of its Maxwell House and Yuban coffee by 10%. Which means people can still buy a whole can of those brands of coffee for about half the price of a large double mocha latte at Starbucks.

The Supreme Court may hear a case about online threats. Should a case concerning Internet practices really be heard by a group of justices who haven’t upgraded from rotary phones and still have a VCR in the house that perpetually flashes “12:00”?

A survey says that half of all parents discuss saving money for college with their kids between the ages of 7 and 12. Mostly to tell them that there is nothing wrong with having a career as a carpenter or plumber.

A survey says that half of all parents discuss saving money for college with their kids between the ages of 7 and 12. Mostly to explain if they save enough now, they might only have to borrow enough in tuition loans that they can pay off before they retire.

Investor Carl Icahn has disclosed he has a 9.4% stake in Family Dollar. The bad part is that after he bought that amount he realized his stock isn’t worth a dime.

Bank CEO salaries in the U.S. and Europe went up 10% in 2013. The same banks paid $48 Billion in fines while their profits went up 46%. Which means it is probably time to do away with that outdated saying that crime doesn’t pay.

The CIA has joined Twitter. If it goes really well they might even try another new social media site they found called Myspace.

The CIA has joined Twitter. They tried Facebook but found it a bit difficult to make friends when your profile name is “Classified.”

A report says the economy recovered the 8.7 Million jobs that were lost during the recession. No one even knew there were that many convenience store jobs before the crash.

A report says the economy recovered the 8.7 Million jobs that were lost during the recession. The only problem is that none of the jobs that were lost were the bankers, politicians and stock brokers who caused the crash in the first place.

Allstate Insurance has launched a teen driving app for parents. Although parents would not have to worry as much about their teenagers’ driving if they didn’t give them a smartphone they can use while behind the wheel.

The White House says that climate change is already killing people, with asthma rates doubling in the past few years. Mostly from people gasping for air when they take a look at their latest 401(k) statement.

A study says that sleep apnea may raise the risk of diabetes. Especially when a person’s snoring is caused from a doughnut being lodged halfway down their throat.

A study says receiving text messages about the dangers of cigarettes doubles a smokers’ odds of quitting. Especially when they are hospitalized for several weeks after crashing into a tree after getting the text while they are driving.

A Coke ad claims that it takes 23 minutes to burn off the calories from drinking a soda. Which doesn’t do much good since people are seeing the ads while they are watching TV or sitting in front of the computer.

A study says that 10% of women use the withdrawal method as their only means of birth control. There is a word for women who use that system. “Mommy.”

The parents of a British child were arrested for child cruelty after their 11 year old son tipped the scales at 210 pounds. One thing is certain, when that family is put in jail they won’t be able to escape by slipping between the bars.

A report says that an Apple iWatch is coming in October that will include several health and fitness sensors. Which will be completely unnecessary anyone interested in buying an iWatch will more than likely be spending most their day sitting in front of a computer screen.

Kim Kardashian has released a photo of her first autograph as Kim Kardashian West. People were surprised. Who would actually want her autograph?

Kim Kardashian has released a photo of her first autograph as Kim Kardashian West. People were surprised. The only bad part is that she used that to sign the final papers for her divorce from Kris Humphries.

Alec Baldwin was given the key to the city from a town in Rhode Island. They just need to make sure they keep him away from the key to the liquor cabinet.

Casey Kasem is reported to be in critical condition in a hospital in Washington State after his daughter retrieved him from the home where his wife was keeping him. His wife says she would have gotten away with it, too if it weren’t for his meddling kids.

“Man V. Food” star Adam Richman posed nude for a magazine after losing 70 pounds. So now that he can finally fit in his pants again, the first thing he does is take them off.

“Man V. Food” star Adam Richman posed nude for a magazine after losing 70 pounds. Unfortunately, when he said the secret to his success was smaller portions, magazine subscribers thought he was talking about his nude photos.

Skechers shoes has become a sponsor of California Chrome. The bad news for the horse is that after losing the Belmont Stakes, the latest sponsor signing on is Elmer’s Glue.

Skechers shoes has become a sponsor of California Chrome. Which means there might soon be a new game of skill and accuracy called people shoes.

Fossils of a dinosaur era forest fire have been found in Canada. Researchers knew it was ancient because of a sign that was posted nearby that featured warnings from Smokey the Brontosaurus.

A Buffalo, New York man is selling his world’s record largest collection of 11,000 video games. The bad news is that 10,990 are versions of “Pong.”

A Buffalo, New York man is selling his world’s record largest collection of 11,000 video games. The only problem for the man will be finding something else to do to pass the time while living in Buffalo.

Google Chrome has unseated Microsoft’s Internet Explorer as the top web browser in the U.S. Technology experts were surprised. There are still people who use Internet Explorer?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for checking out the jokes. Now what? After the excitement of reading all this topical humor the only thing that could possibly be as entertaining is watching the goldfish take a few laps around the bowl. Sorry to have peaked your day so early. But now that leaves plenty of time for you to sit around for a few hours and think of exactly how you want to word it when you send the love!