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Monday, June 3, 2013

Birthday Gift Guide 2013

As you all are probably aware, my birthday is in a week.

Don’t panic, everything is fine; you still have time to set
up a lavish get-together with 1,012 of my closest Facebook friends. I promise
to act completely surprised when the Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage
arrives at my door to bring me to a romantic, table-cloth-clad dinner at White
Castle—or if you’re really trying to woo me, Arby’s (basically anywhere that
makes stellar mozzarella sticks).

Love you

Dinner’s over and it’s present time. Tickets to a Kip Moore
concert? You shouldn’t have!

No really. You shouldn’t have. We’ll let it slide this time,
but had you followed the list below, you might not have to live in fear that I’ll
be getting you back on your birthday with a photo album of everything my
friends have eaten for dinner over the past six months, courtesy of Instagram.

Here is the Skylar Birthday Gift Guide 2013. Links included
for your convenience!

FoodSaver V3880 Vacuum Sealer - The Master Chef Kit
($183) – I have a sick obsession with anything infomercial-related. The As
Seen on TV store is my heaven. I already own a Magic Bullet, a PedEgg, a
Stretch Genie, and a Quick Chop, but the FoodSaver would really put my
collection over the edge. Have you ever used one of these things? It’s fucking
magic. We have one at the winery I work at, and the amount of satisfaction I
get out of watching all of the air get sucked out of salami and cheddar cheese
is wonderfully embarrassing. I want to vacuum seal everything I own. I would
vacuum seal my dog (neck down) if PETA wouldn’t come find me. Please make my
dreams come true.

Virginia AND/OR Kentucky Home T ($25) – These are the
only two places in my life so far that I have felt completely at ease. Virginia
is home to my parents, my best friend and Wegman’s Chocolate Chip Muffins.
Kentucky is home to my other best friends, the best school in the entire world,
and the version of myself who pronounces fine “fahn.” I will accept both of
these shirts and wear them interchangeably so as not to offend either location.

Jaguar Hood Ornament Replacement ($52.50) – Someone
who wanted to do hoodrat stuff with their friends jacked my leaping emblem of
glory right off of Nigel’s face last year, completely depleting him of any and
all dignity. If you know how to reattach one of these babies that would be
ideal, as I…don’t. But really, who steals hood ornaments?

Buddy Bounce Outdoor Play Ball (2 for $34.98 each) –
Who doesn’t want these? They’d be the
be-all-end-all to any confrontation I’ll ever have for the rest of my life.
Roommate ate my Cheesecake Factory leftovers? Co-worker made me look bad in
front of my boss? Boyfriend comes home smelling like Britney Spears Curious and
Fruit Punch Burnetts? Break out the Buddy Bounces and let’s solve this the real
way. A welcome alternative would be Sock ‘Em Boppers.

Vino2Go XL Wine Sippy Cup ($16.99) – I am a classy woman
on the go. I also have a newfound appreciation for reds. Pouring my Cab into an
empty Dasani bottle en route to the pregame seems a bit uncouth, but spills are
even more so, and that’s where this nifty little number comes in. It holds 12
ounces and comes in a variety of colors, and I swear I’d keep my pinky up
through every sip slash gulp.

An e-mail from a magazine offering me a job (priceless)
– Seriously. This is all I want. I thrive in a fast-paced environment, expertly
meet deadlines and have a sharp wit inspired by Phyllis Diller and Chelsea
Handler. I will stop cut back on cursing in my writing if that’s the
main issue. My resume is hotter and readier than a cheese pizza.

Like what you read? I'm this entertaining 24/7 on Twitter. Follow me @BTDubs_Skylar!

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