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Monday, 20 July 2015

OMG hi guys! You know what? I've missed you. Every single one of you. I know I know I know, it's been fooooorever since I blogged. Not for lack of material, as you all know I basically live at the circus. And not like the happy daytime fun carnival, but the creepy night time circus full of freaks and blood and penises and mess and crying and.......I regress. So I wanted to share with you all a lovely experience I had while camping this summer. So lovely. Let me set the scene....

It's hot. It is fucking HOT. You remember that week we had where it felt like the world was melting? A big old puddle of goo. That week. So we're camping out at syringa that week and on this particular Saturday night, I'm out there staying alone with the two little boys (who so aren't little but that's another story). Like, usually it's hot as balls in town, but then you drive out to the lake and get out of your car and it's like aaaahhhhhhhh, cooler and a breeze coming off the lake and feels like drinking and awesome. But this Saturday, it was hot as balls in town, and like hot as bear balls at the lake. Not even a bit cooler. We have a tent trailer and had all the window screens unzipped and open, which normally would provide some breeze through that hot box of sweaty boys, but this night, it totally didn't. Me and Lenny went to bed in the one far side of the tent trailer and Kohen got the side closest to the door, and we all climbed in on top of the covers and tried to get some sleep. Now here goes.....ready? Okay. So. Around 2am, I'm half woken up. Like I'm still in that half asleep but semi aware of my surroundings state that is so weird. I can feel this delightful breeze....finally. It's coming across my bare legs and up around over my face over and over and over. I'm semi aware that it feels more like a fanning then a breeze but I'm okay with it. My half asleep mind momentarily decides it's some kind of bird or large insect outside the tent trailer and must be flying by the open screen windows. I almost go back to sleep when I hear it..........the unmistakable fluttering sound of bat wings. Oh. Huh. There's a bat outside and it's flying around the tent trailer and the breeze off it's wings is blowing inside the screen windows. Well that's neat. All of a sudden FWAP FLOP SMACK something crashes into my bare leg and stops moving. I am now fully awake and laying there trying to process this when I feel the thing semi crawl/drag itself all the way down my shin and onto the top of my foot and now onto the screen window at my feet. I glance over and HOLY FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER IT'S A FUCKING BAT INSIDE MY GOD DAMN TENT TRAILER AND IT JUST LANDED AND CRAWLED DOWN MY LEG THIS IS HOW RABIES START DONT SCREAM THE BOYS ARE SLEEPING IT'S GOING TO FLY INTO MY HAIR IF I PANIC DON'T PANIC DID I JUST PEE MYSELF ITS A FUCKING BAT.....well, you get the picture. I lay there trying not to move or hyperventilate as the thing takes off again and resumes flying around the tent trailer....it goes around and around and around and then....stops. Silence. Nothing. I peek out from my bed and see nothing. Fuck. Now what? The boys are still both snoring away, totally unaware. I try to form a plan but it's hot and I'm creeped out and it's a fucking bat guys! In my tent trailer! I decide I could make a run for it, for the door but I'd have to stand up completely and go all the way to the other side and if that thing starts flying around again, I think I'd freak out so I try talk myself out of it....out of the entire thing. No bat. Probably was a bird. It's sleeping now...shhh shhhhh.....there there go back to sleep now. OMG there's a curtain! A curtain to separate my bed from the rest of the trailer. It's ripped off the top a bit but I close it anyways....it manages to cover like 3/4 of the way across the bed, sealing me and Lenny off. There. Fixed. I try to go back to sleep and decide to take another look. I shine my flashlight around the gap in the curtain and the fucker starts flying again......flap....flap.....flap....flap......flap. Round it goes. All of a sudden FWAP and it lands right on the curtain. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. I can see its silhouette and it's crawling towards the gap. Holy shit if it gets in here, it'll JUST be flying around the bed Lenny and I are sleeping in. I panic and smash my flashlight onto the inside of the curtain and send the bat flying off. I hear it hit something....and silence. Okay what now? I decide I can climb out the side of the tent trailer! Yes! Brilliant!

Now for those who don't know, the tent trailer has the beds that slide out and then canvas that goes around the outside and bungee cords attach to the underside to keep it in place. So I try to reach my hand between the bed and the canvas to undo the cords so I can slide out. Holy shit she's tight. I get panicky when I realize this might not work and start smashing my arm through the side and ripping at the bungee. I manage to get one or two unhooked and decide it's just enough space for me to squeeze my ass through so I stick my legs out and am just about to slide out. Wait a second.....how high up am I again?? What's under me?? I force myself to grab the flashlight and look. It's a bit of a drop so facing forward might not be the best. There's also two bags of garbage hanging beneath me and a bag of recycling. I kick those away as much as possible and decide it's probably best to drop out feet first, but facing down. Here I go!!!! I push myself off and throw my arms above my head and that fucking trailer births me out onto the dirt and bag of recycling. I hit the ground in a heap and jump up because now I'm convinced a bear or a cougar is probably outside in the dark woods waiting to eat me. That's when I realize, it's drafty out. My fucking shirt is missing. Ever go to pull off your sweatshirt and wind up taking your shirt off underneath as well? Same thing only my shirt is now left in my bed where there's a fucking bat flying around. So there I am, bare tits and a pair of short shorts scanning the woods all Charlies Angel style for bears and cougars while my children sleep and a fucking bat is flying around my tent trailer. Fuck it. I sit in a lawn chair and debate sleeping right there. I mean, the bat isn't bugging the kids right? Just like, deal with that shit in the morning. Ugh....no. So I open the trailer door and creep inside and the stupid thing is in hiding again. I'm scanning around everywhere, trying to find it with no luck. If I was a bat, where would I hide? I decide that thing is probably in the dust ruffle curtain topper or whatever the hell all trailers have around the top of it so I start walking around the outside of the tent trailer banging on the canvas sides thinking it'll start flying again. And yes, my kids still slept. I'm getting annoyed now, like what if I was a bear?? They'd be eaten before they even realized it. Two rounds around the trailer, and nothing. Images of a bear ripping me to shreds and someone finding my body in the morning, topless, outside of the trailer has me deciding to try find my shirt. Thankfully I manage to reach in far enough to snag it and shows over. I take another look in the door and scan all around and all of a sudden I see something weird and fuzzy on one of kohens shoes, just inside the door. It's the bat. That fucker. I grab a broom and drop to the ground and army crawl towards the door swinging the broom handle in front of me. The bat starts flying again thankfully and after what feels like a hundred times round the trailer, it finds the open door and flies out, narrowly missing my face. It's now 4am and I'm pretty much ready to start drinking. I notice there's a light on in the trailer in the site across from me and decide had someone been watching me, they probably got a pretty decent show. You know me, give it your all!!!!!

I managed to get back to sleep after much tossing and turning that night. The next day the boys didn't even believe me that there was a bat in there. Jerks. I made Barry bring me some duct tape and I spent the morning taping up the entire roof and where the canvas comes to the roof. I think it's a classy addition to the dust ruffle curtains! And that's what it's like to camp in my life! Oh and my arm was black and blue and fully bruised up from fisting that stupid tent trailer canvas so that looked fancy.