How do I minimize my chances of getting caught having sex in public?

How do I minimize my chances of getting caught having sex in public?

When having sex in public, whether by yourself or in a group, one must take stringent precautions to avoid being seen, heard, or unfairly heckled. Dark alleys are great, but there can be some unscrupulous characters about, so make sure you hide the money first. Public parks are also good, and restrooms are perfect. According to Joseph Couture, author of Peek: Inside the Private World of Public Sex, the best "have double doors, because you can hear the first door open, and it gives you a second before they walk through the second door, before they're actually able to see you." Essentially you'll want to scout a location that's private, provides some cover, and allows you a wide vantage point so you can react quickly to any interlopers or horny senators.

John Cuneo

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What are the social obligations related to running into a one-night stand in, say, the grocery store?

What are the social obligations related to running into a one-night stand in, say, the grocery store?

In, say, which grocery store? Because if we're talking about the place where I shop, I'll thank you to stop giggling and bag my groceries already.

As always, be polite. Frankly, I'm a little stunned that I have to tell you that. And "Frankly, frankly," says etiquette expert Peter Post of the Emily Post Institute, "if you were big enough to have a one-night stand with them, you're big enough to have at least a modicum of conversation with them." (But stick to one modicum if there are other people around.) Because frankly, frankly, frankly, this one-night stand is due the same uninterested "Hey, hi, wow, how are you, yeah, hey looks like rain ..." that you'd bestow upon anyone else whose window you crept out of at dawn, or next time no tip.

How do I minimize my chances of getting caught having sex in public?

When having sex in public, whether by yourself or in a group, one must take stringent precautions to avoid being seen, heard, or unfairly heckled. Dark alleys are great, but there can be some unscrupulous characters about, so make sure you hide the money first. Public parks are also good, and restrooms are perfect. According to Joseph Couture, author of Peek: Inside the Private World of Public Sex, the best "have double doors, because you can hear the first door open, and it gives you a second before they walk through the second door, before they're actually able to see you." Essentially you'll want to scout a location that's private, provides some cover, and allows you a wide vantage point so you can react quickly to any interlopers or horny senators.

John Cuneo

2Of24

What are the social obligations related to running into a one-night stand in, say, the grocery store?

In, say, which grocery store? Because if we're talking about the place where I shop, I'll thank you to stop giggling and bag my groceries already.

As always, be polite. Frankly, I'm a little stunned that I have to tell you that. And "Frankly, frankly," says etiquette expert Peter Post of the Emily Post Institute, "if you were big enough to have a one-night stand with them, you're big enough to have at least a modicum of conversation with them." (But stick to one modicum if there are other people around.) Because frankly, frankly, frankly, this one-night stand is due the same uninterested "Hey, hi, wow, how are you, yeah, hey looks like rain ..." that you'd bestow upon anyone else whose window you crept out of at dawn, or next time no tip.

John Cuneo

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My wife insists that having her feet in the air gives her better orgasms. Something to do with the blood rushing into her body. Any chance she could be right?

Wait a minute: If she puts her feet in the air, she'll just fall on her face, won't she? Perhaps I misunderstand.

Fortunately, I don't have to understand things to tell people that they're wrong, especially when I've got live doctors in my corner. "I would disagree vehemently on this one," says Susan Kellogg-Spadt, professor of obstetrics and gynecology. "It's not like you cut off blood flow or increase blood flow in certain positions, [dummy]." Dr. Steven Nissen, cardiologist at the Cleveland Clinic, came right out and called your question "silly." You touched a nerve — both with modern medicine and inside your wife! The pelvic area has four nervous pathways through which orgasms travel, and different sex positions can and will stimulate different channels. The clitoris activates the pudendal nerve, the cervix lights up the vagus nerve, and the G-spot lets you off at the pelvic nerve. The deeper penetration that I think you're describing would likely take you up into the vagina's posterior fornix, thereby rousing the hypogastric plexus and furnishing your wife with her chosen orgasm.

John Cuneo

4Of24

Does the way people have sex vary drastically from country to country?

The differences can't be that drastic, or there wouldn't be any other countries, would there? (Please take as long as you need to think that over. It'll be worth it.)

While there are some variations in the basic sexual technique — approach, plant, takeoff, swing up, fly away — the prevailing outcome is essentially the same, so to avoid any misunderstandings that could hinder an atmosphere of world peace, I'd like to focus on our similarities rather than our differences.

Some countries think we Americans are big prudes because we don't teach our teens how to make sex videos, like those horny freaks the Dutch, and because we don't stress the happy aspects of sex, like they do in the South Pacific, where a boy learns how to pleasure a woman at his mother's knee. (Not literally.)

We're nowhere near as repressed as the Japanese, who legalized birth control pills only in the late '90s, and have to go to special places called "love hotels" where they act out their weird fantasies in theme rooms. But the biggest freaks of all have to be the Irish. There's an island off the coast of Ireland called Inis Beag where — get this — they only just started doing it with their clothes off. (Not a joke.)

John Cuneo

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5Of24

My girlfriend thinks I should be more spontaneous. Short of surprising her in the shower, what can I do?

With all due respect, sir, I can't possibly tell you what kind of pervert your girlfriend is. She's never at the meetings.

For this, we must go to the sex-ecutives. Ian Kerner, sex counselor and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, suggests "getting a book on erotic massage and some massage oils," but we both know that's not going to happen, so another thing "a guy can do," he says, "is tell her some pretty hot fantasies that play into themes that [you think] women are interested in — whether it's voyeurism, exhibitionism, sex with another person, submission, domination ..." Think back: Does your girlfriend ever mention anything like that when you two are alone on a quiet night in the dungeon? Whatever the case, it's common knowledge that the most spontaneous spontaneity comes about only through careful planning. "That's what spontaneity really means," says sex coach Patti Britton. "It's really a matter of being prepared," she says.

John Cuneo

6Of24

My girlfriend and I have decided to have a threesome. We know the possible repercussions, but what's the etiquette? Give me a play-by-play.

Sure thing. From the 1984 Intercollegiate Group Sex Playbook: Boyfriend maneuvers toward girlfriend's hottest friend but settles for anything. Second girl arrives. Intoxicants passed. Guy puts on Roxy Music's Avalon. Girls dance self-consciously for three to five minutes, kiss. Intoxicants replenished. All disrobe. Girls go at it. Guy waits for opportunity to do as much as possible to other girl while remaining wary of limits of girlfriend's largesse. Girls go at it. Guy endeavors to remain relevant and not to come. Forty minutes pass. Guy makes grand ejaculatory showing, then retreats to sidelines to watch girls go at it. Guy would like a beer but they're all gone. Guy wonders what time it is, deliberates options. Three hours pass. Guy reasserts himself into lineup. Girls finish. Taxi summoned. Pleasantries exchanged. Guy and girl left alone to assess evening. Nothing is ever the same.

John Cuneo

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I know that in general, men are more stimulated by visual cues than women, but do women find the male member aesthetically?

Member of what? A country club? Certainly not with that tie.

Plato, Socrates, Savalas — all those Greeks knew that aesthetics are very complicated. But before we get to that, I must correct your inaccurate generalization. Studies — and I mean the genital-probes kind at which you can't cheat — have shown that women are actually more stimulated by visual cues than men. According to Erick Janssen of the Kinsey Institute, "Women get turned on by basically anything sexual." Alessandra Rellini, assistant professor in the department of psychology at the University of Vermont, concurs: "Even if you show them two baboons having sex, they might get aroused," she says, with what sounded like a snicker.

As for penile aesthetics... Really, if women didn't find anything attractive about penises, why would we sit around drawing them all day?

John Cuneo

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In the film Up in the Air, they talk about getting "burritoed" in the sofa cushions. My wife and I are sexually adventurous. Please tell me what this means so I may burrito my wife.

Didn't catch that flick. I get only basic cable out here, though I do remember an episode of Hitler's Henchmen with nearly the identical scene. After conferring with three state-identified sex-position experts, my advisors and I have come up with this definition: to perform the sex act robustly enough as to become enfolded in fabrics that would be present on a bed, couch, etc., until the lovers resemble the popular handheld food. However, the same experts advised my advisors that in parts of the country identified only as "the South," the term is often used for anal sex, but not, it seems, by anyone who's ever been witness to either. Besides, I can't imagine Hermann Göring doing anything like that.

John Cuneo

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9Of24

My wife and I are having a baby in a few months, and we disagree on whether or not to circumcise him. What do you think?

I commend you and your wife for placing the fate of your son's penis squarely in my capable hands.

Unfortunately circumcision is becoming less stylish among new parents. Once revered as a cure-all, circumcision has become inconsequential. (It's just like what happened to Current TV.) According to the National Center for Health Statistics, as well as to a weird dream I had the other night, in 1999 only 65.3 percent of baby boys born in U. S. hospitals were circumcised, down about 20 percent from its height in the '70s, when people really knew how to party. Only 25 percent of the world circumcises. Doctors now consider the benefits and risks to be so minimal that they no longer give a rat's ass. "In a sense, it comes down to being a tribal custom," says Dr. Andrew Freedman, director of pediatric urology at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. "If you feel like you belong to a tribe that does it, and you really want to do it, then do it." But if the whole issue is becoming too much of a bore (I know I've already spent at least five minutes too many on it), it's absolutely fine to put the whole thing out of your mind and take some muscle relaxers. If it ever comes up, simply tell your son he's more than welcome to get circumcised when he has a job and can pay for it with his own money.

John Cuneo

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My girlfriend and I want to film ourselves having sex. Any pointers on achieving the best results?

What a glorious time to be a home pornographer! Now anyone with a hard-on and a credit card can be a regular Peter Bigdongovich. Great advances in technology have ushered in a new wave, or Nouvelle Smut, of auteurs who boldly experiment with devices such as night vision to convey themes of isolation and extreme horniness, as evidenced in 2004's 1 Night in Paris, in which our marginalized antihero looks "like an alien and shit," according to costar Rick Salomon.

Many experts, however, recommend that first-timers shoot in a well-lit room. Jim Powers, influential director, cameraman, and producer of such works as Double Penetration Virgins and Stuff Your Ass, likes to employ a C-light, or "cooch light" (fourche lumière), in order to "get some good hardcore crotch action." As far as cameras go, Adam Glasser, aka Seymore Butts from Showtime's Family Business, says any one-chip model is fine for home use. Salomon reminds us that "all these cameras have the things that you can flip around — so you can see from the other side what you're seeing," which is pretty kickass. All three men suggest getting someone else to hold the camera, not just for convenience, but perhaps for a Jules et Jim et Brandi type thing. But the most important part is to be what Salomon calls "like loose and shit," since "you can't be half a whore." Just like Mom always said.