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Summer 2: A Conversation with My (Thin) Body (July 2017)

After
a serious conversation with my body, we arrived at an agreement:

I
promised not to diss it for not losing weight on my timetable, and it assured me that it would eventually ditch that last five pounds, given some
not-too-onerous conditions.

The
main condition: “Stop abusing me!”

I
hung my head in shame – it’s true. I haven’t been very kind to my poor
beleaguered corporeal shell; I have spent a lifetime bingeing on junk food,
addicting it to saturated fat and sugar, and not eating enough of the good
stuff, like lean protein, fruit, and green veggies.

Still,
I wanted to blame the victim.

ME: (whining): If only you would actually meet my goal weight, instead of
hanging onto that last five pounds, I’d probably treat you better.

BODY: You keep
moving the goal post. First, you said we would wrap things up at 135, then you
said you’d be happy at 130, and now that we have worked so hard getting to 130,
you want to lose five more pounds?

Girl.

What’s a body supposed to do?

Give me some direction here. I’m
confused!

ME: I feel pretty
good at 130, but my skinny clothes don’t fit properly: when they fit in the
butt, the waist is too tight; when they fit in the waist, the butt is too baggy.

BODY: Just move me
more, and get cracking on those physical therapy exercises that Medicare paid
to have you learn.

ME: I’m already
walking you at least three miles a day...

BODY: And thank
you for that. We have enjoyed some great times together on the pavement,
haven’t we?

ME: You mean like
dodging that mean little butterscotch dog, whose owner refuses to leash, that
bit my jean leg and still continues to chase me, even when I try avoiding him
by crossing the street?

BODY: Get some pepper
spray, already.

ME: I can see that
not ending well for us. Besides, pepper spray can’t change the 19-degree
weather, torrential rain, blistering heat, stultifying humidity, and God knows
what other atrocity Mother Nature might have in store.

BODY: You have a
treadmill. Use it.

ME: Easy for you
to say. Do you not remember that cracked vertebra that sent us to the emergency
room?

BODY: Well, that
was just stupid. You were not practicing safe treadmilling.

ME: I THOUGHT IT
WAS PAUSED!

BODY: No need to
yell. I can hear you. Thinking that
it was paused and it actually being
paused are two different animals. My point: you weren’t paying attention, and
we paid the price.

ME: I hate that dreadmill.

BODY: It’s just a
stupid machine.

ME: It’s out to
get me…

BODY: It’s a hunk
of metal. It does not feel, it certainly does not hate. It simply does not
care. It just is. It’s amoral.

ME: You let me step onto that treadmill, and you
knew it was paused.

BODY: So now it’s my fault?

ME: We’re supposed
be in this together.

BODY: You know
better. You’re the one with free will. I just obey your impulses, no matter how
vulgar. I’m just along for the ride.

ME: A little
warning now and then would be nice.

BODY: (Guffaws.) It doesn’t work that way. You
can be such a dingbat at times…

ME: (Whining.) Not fair!

BODY: Now you’re
deflecting, but adversities build character, so suck it up, buttercup.

ME: Easy for you
to say – you just go along for the ride.

BODY: Ha! If not
for me, you wouldn’t be able to move at all. Who puts one leg in front of the
other and keeps you from stumbling over sidewalk cracks – well most of the
time…

ME: (Snicker) What about that time I tripped and
nearly fell on my ass, right in the middle of a busy street?

BODY: I caught
you, didn’t I?

ME: Well, yes, but
it scared the shit out of me. I was just two seconds away from a broken bone.
You know how dangerous that is for a
senior citizen with Osteoporosis.

BODY: If you had
been drinking your milk and eating calcium-rich foods, you wouldn’t have this
problem.

ME: Now you’re the
food police? You know how much I hate
milk…

BODY: Meh, meh,
meh. It’s all about you. What about my needs?

(Pause.)

ME: Good point.
But I’m trying hard to get my calcium and Vitamin D-3, even though I have to choke
down those horse pills.

BODY: What about
that prescribed Boniva you refuse to take?

ME: I can’t bear
the thought of swallowing that humongous elephant pill! It looks like a suppository!

BODY: It’s only
once a month!

ME: Have you seen
that long list of side effects? Upset stomach and loss of teeth? You know I
have a dainty stomach and terrible teeth.

BODY: You need to
have a conversation with our doctor.

ME: I’d rather
have injections!

BODY: But first you
need to talk to the good doc; she’s not a mind reader.

ME: Okay, Okay.

BODY: Yeah, you
talk the good talk, but I know you. You’ll procrastinate until you’re up
against the wall.

ME: I promise. I’ll
get around to it.

BODY: We’ll see.

ME: So. What about
that last five pounds?

BODY: What of it?
Aren’t we thin enough now?

ME: I explained my reasoning already. Did you
not listen?

BODY: Okay. I can
appreciate your desire for further thinness, but, for God’s sake, perspective! I
need to be fed and hydrated properly.

ME: I’m doing my
best. You think it’s easy choking down a half gallon of water every day?

BODY: I’m loving
it.

ME: I’m glad, so,
at the very least, could you please
help me shed that last five pounds?

BODY: (Sighs.) If I work with you here, do you promise
this will be the end of it?

ME: (Jumping up and down.) I promise!

BODY: (Pauses.) We are probably thin enough,
but against my better judgment, I’ll work with you, provided some conditions
are met.

ME: Such as?

BODY: I’ll get to
that in a minute, but keep in mind: we’re no longer spring chickens.

We’ve already lost 66 pounds in just a year.

ME: It seems like
forever.

BODY: Do you
understand what kind of toll our fast weight loss has taken on us? Our skin
isn’t as elastic as it once was, boobs that once stood at attention now sag to
our belly button. We have arm wings, belly roll, and turkey wattle. And don’t
forget the wrinkles, even on our legs.

ME: I know, I
know…

BODY: Now here’s my
terms.

1.You
must never starve us: in order to
lose weight, you have to eat. It’s counterintuitive, but it’s true; if you skip
meals and even try fasting, our body will go into starvation mode and hang onto
every pound and then some. If you fall for that oldest trick, I’ll pack five
pounds on us so fast the first time you go on a binge, and you will binge if you pull that old
starvation nonsense. You have a 30-point daily allotment. Use it.

2.If
you do binge, and it is likely you
will – we all have our weak moments – you will pick yourself up right away and
reboot. We will experience a temporary gain, but if you get right back on
track, we will shed it right away.

3.You
must feed us nutrient-rich foods, using all your daily SmartPoints for lean
proteins, good carbs, nuts and seeds, and high fiber foods. Eat plenty of
0-point green veggies and fruits. If you must eat junk food, use your exercise
or weekly points, but sparingly – you know the drill, especially how processed
sugar screws up our insulin levels.

4.You
must keep up our exercises, including the ones for your condition but no
over-exercising – that does us no good and just wears out our old bones.

5.You
must continue our prescribed water intake – and you know why, no need to
over-explain…

6.Make
sure we get our proper sleep. I do my best weight loss/weight control work when
we are asleep.

7.Continue
taking our Calcium and Vitamin D-3. And talk to the doctor about your prescribed
medicine.

8.Speaking
of the doctor: if you experience a serious medical problem, you must call her immediately. Remember how
our inflamed and infected gallbladder nearly killed us? I can’t work with you
if we are not well.

9.You’ll
like this one: you must allow some cheat foods for special occasions –
Thanksgiving, Christmas, special events. It’s important for our psychological
health, breaking bread with our loved ones. But this is not a license to binge.

10.Start
looking for non-scale victories, such as acquiring a new rock specimen, going
somewhere fun, or meeting up with someone special – I know not to suggest the
dreaded clothes shopping.

11.But
curb that specimen habit a bit – our house looks like a grotto. Overall, work
on that budding hoarding problem…I believe “stuff” might be related to weight
gain – watch that Dumpster diving and yard saleing.

12.Finally,
for these last five pounds, you must accept a slow weight loss…

ME: Whaatttt?

BODY: Hear me out.
I need some time to help build up our muscles and tighten our skin, which means
an occasional plateau or even a temporary weight gain…

ME: NOT FAIR!

BODY: Need I
remind you that lean muscle weighs more than fat? That we can look and feel
better at a higher weight?

ME: I knew that.
But why can’t we get skin tightening surgery to help with the flab?

BODY: You know
better. Medicare won’t pay for it. Besides, is the risk worth the benefit?

ME: (Pauses.Thinking mode.) Probably not, but…

BODY: Your excess
skin is minimal. If you stick with our agreement, some of that will tighten up,
and what doesn’t will just be a part of our reality.

In the end, you must decide if the
number on the scale is more important than a well-nourished and a healthy body.

ME: Good point.
Still…

BODY: I will work with you on the number, but never at the expense of our well-being.
It will take time.

And I will take care of us to the
extent that I am able, given that, ultimately, no one gets out of this
existence alive…

So
that’s how we have come to our agreement.

It
may seem a lot of conditions for our last lousy five pounds, but my body has
the bad habit of being right-on about our overall good health and well-being.

We
signed on the dotted line.

Now
we continue our journey together, travailing both smooth and bumpy roads.

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