Every Bachelor season, there comes an episode in which Chris Harrison is like “You know what? I need all these damn people out of this amazing mansion of mine, so I can call over Justin Bieber’s mom to Netflix and chill. BEGONE!!!” This is that week. Chris Harrison has already banished Ben, and all the girls are going to be similarly expelled, and forced to meet Ben in the city where Carrot Top buys, uses, and entertains people with his anabolic steroids originally intended for horses. No, not Cincinnati: they’re going to Las Vegas. Ahhhh!!!!!!

Things they SHOULD do in Vegas, but won’t:

Hang out with Carrot Top

Hang out with Danny Gans (RIP)

Walk around the Excalibur on mushrooms

Purchase a bankrupt casino

Load up one of the styrofoam containers from $4.99 buffet, like really jam it full, and then only eat the eggrolls and still feel like they got their money’s worth

Do an 8-ball of cocaine in a coat check with a paisley-suited man named Rico they just met at a Pai Gow Poker table

Gamble

The First Solo Date: JoJo

“You set my heart on fire,” the card says. I figure they’re either going 1) to a fireman-themed nude male revue, 2) to an actual firehouse, or 3) to make JoJo fire the producer who thought Kevin Hart was a good idea. Instead, they do nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING. Not a single thing happens on this date. The following is the entire recap: drink champagne atop parking garage, get picked up by helicopter, make out, not comment on JoJo’s very classy pantsuit, tell a story about how dating some dude for a year means you are irreparably damaged, say the word “moment” a lot, have zero moments where anything actually happens, watch fireworks that happen four times a night every night and are no way intended for them, go home. They don’t even pretend they love the hottest up and coming country singer from Bangor, Maine. And yet, JoJo will be in our Top 4 when it’s all said and done.

The Group Date

Big one here, as whoever doesn’t go on this is going on the solo. Amanda, Jubilee from X-Men, Caila, Lauren B, Amber, Hayleynemily, Leah, Lauren H, tall Jennifer who never does anything, Rachel, and Olivia: you’re going to all not hang out with the performers from the Neil Diamond Tribute Show, while Becca stays home and focuses her energy on not having sex during her one on one.

Instead, these ladies are all going to hang out with Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator. He has a very 1989 goatee, and you really need to check out the Getting Ventriloquism Taken Seriously section of his Wikipedia page. And Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator is going to make them…do talents! For a talent show, in front of a live audience, of course. This is pretty textbook Bachelor: it’s quite clear that most of these girls’ biggest fear is being talented. Let’s run down who does what.

The Twins: Are, without even so much as a sliver of a joke, completely sick at Irish step dancing. They’re so legit that if they ever made Step Up: Step Sideways Sometimes, Because This Is the Irish Step Dancing One, Channing Tatum could just play a janitor who never dances and the film would be an international hit. They GOT THIS.Jubilee: Can somehow play the cello. Lotta late nights in the Cello Closet-abutting bunk on the base, huh Jubilee?Lauren B: Is more than happy to juggle badly and leave the stage quickly.Amanda: Same, but with hula hoops.Lauren H: Wears a chicken costume (well) and recites a possibly chicken-themed limerick (horribly). Tall Jennifer Who Never Does Anything: Does something! Which is hitting a tennis ball through a hula hoop with a tennis racket. So, basically nothing. This talent of hers is a racket. And that was a pun.Amber: Does LITERALLY nothing. They don’t even show her. Betting on Amber being worthless is the easiest money in Vegas.

And then there’s Olivia. Olivia tells everyone she has no talent, which makes them nervous that she actually does. She does not. She dresses up in the sluttiest flapper outfit this side of a Big Ten halloween party, climbs out of a giant cake, does some very low kicks, shakes her rack around for the crowd, fakes like she’s going back into the cake, does not go back into the cake, engages in more rack-shacking, possibly screams “marriage material!!!!!”, and eventually cries and runs off into Boyz II Men’s dressing room because she doesn’t want to be on camera, despite devoting her entire life to being on-camera talent for a meaningless local news station.

Come nighttime, Caila grabs Ben first and makes out with him like he just won a progressive jackpot on the Wheel of Fortune slot machine. This leads Ben to refer to her as a “Sex Panther,” which means that people who like to quote movies around the world are making jokes about her even as we speak, 60 percent of the time, every time. I’m now officially upgrading her to a sure-thing finalist who may or may not get her heart smashed like so many rocks of cocaine in a Luxor coat check. Lauren H makes out with a puppet Ben stole from Apparently Prominent Ventriloquist Terry Fator, then also makes out with Ben, possibly for the first time. Lauren B also gets some making out, and then, as always, it’s Olivia Time.

Olivia tells Ben she needs to drink heavily, because she’s suuuuuuper embarrassed about her performance today. This, however, doesn’t make her embarrassed enough to:

Stick her fingers in her mouth and suck really hard, in some psychotic nervous tick

Apologize a lot, then apologize for apologizing

Proclaim that she wants to dance more

Wear a really odd dress that looks like a repurposed curtain from one of the nicer Steve Wynn hotels

Actually eat food

In the end, Ben kisses her, but only a peck. She’s been downgraded to pecks. And also to not getting date-roses: Lauren B gets that, after which Ben leans way over to hug her as he crushes Amanda in spectacularly awkward and physically painful fashion.

The Second One-On-One: Becca

Oh man, they’re going with the ol’ “make Becca think she’s getting married so she loosens up about this whole virginity thing, then make her conduct marriage ceremonies for other people along with Ben, even though neither of them clearly has a license” date. After that, they go to one of the legit coolest places in Vegas: the trunk space of Carrot Top’s 2012 Hyundai crossover vehicle! Wait, JK! It’s actually the Neon Museum, which is this amazing graveyard for old casino signs, not an entire facility dedicated to Neon Boudeaux from Blue Chips.

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Under signs filled almost all with noble gasses other than neon (seriously, why is nobody talking about this fraud that’s been perpetrated on us all??) they yap a little about how Chris’s season went for Becca (not well!), and a whole lot about virginity. Instead of this being unbearably uncomfortable like it has been for Becca’s entire life past 20, Ben has to go and be a sweet goddamn peach of a man and tell her that he sees something in her virginity that he loves: her ability to make a true commitment to something.

This makes her feel wonderful, so after watching totally sober people do it all afternoon, they make vows to each other. Ben’s vows are to smile, but only when appropriate, and to try to take her on the coolest dates possible. Becca’s vows involve telling Ben he’s great and expressing how she feels, but only when she’s feeling it. This is like the vows you would hear from a couple of 8-year-olds, who had some older, wiser 11-year-olds write their vows for them. She gets the rose, and a strong boost towards yet another chance to fork over her v-card to Chris Harrison on the way into the FBS in four weeks.

The Surprise Two-On-One Date: Hayleynemily

Holy crap he’s taking the two of them to the house they continue to live in, with their mother! Obviously this day was looming. I just didn’t expect it to be now, or like this -- I was definitely expecting a hot air balloon that one would get pushed out of, before Ben immediately realized he pushed out the wrong twin, and did nothing about it and just stuck with the one in the hot air balloon because they’re exactly the same.

Well how wrong was I??? Very. They ARE different. Hayley is the kind of twin who has framed photos of multiple exes set up nicely around her room, then hides them face-down under the furniture when she “realizes” it. Emily (I think? Right?), alternately, is the kind of twin who totally throws her own twin under the Brett Michaels tour bus they’ve definitely both been in. She tells Ben that he needs to treat them like individuals (which the other one can’t possibly agree with), then makes him lie down on her bed with her under a very classy and original “Live, Laugh, Love” sign on the wall, and tells him that she clearly has a stronger connection then Hayley.

And that’s all it takes! Ben “charmingly” calls their mom a young woman, then tells Hayley that she’s staying right here with mom, 800 dogs, and at least one but likely five inspirational walls. The big questions here: Will Emily actually have a personality now that she doesn’t have to focus her efforts on saying everything not quite at the same time as her twin, for adorability’s sake? Will she try to turn Leah into her twin, via the makeup Hayley left in the bathroom? And why does she have a seemingly severe thumb injury that hasn’t been addressed??

The Cocktail Party Highlights

Tall Jen who doesn’t do anything gets him first, then gets cut off by Olivia, who will surely claim that she was just helping Tall Jen continue to not do anything.

Jubilee gets some good time with him, even though she’s clearly thinking the whole time about Gambit, who of course is thinking about Rogue, even though he can’t make out with her for fear of her sucking his brain into hers, forever. But hey, a handsome loner like Gambit goes for what he can’t have, right???

Olivia continues to eat food against all the producers’ pleas, Ben promises she doesn’t need to apologize for jumping out of a cake (he’s wrong), and she tells him AT LEAST THREE EPISODES TOO EARLY that she’s completely falling for him, and that’s it’s the coolest feeling in the world. By this point, Ben is forgoing the kisses with her altogether and has moved her down to the “just hugs” category usually reserved for Amber. Before long she’ll be getting a low-five that Ben pulls back as he admonishes her “too slow”.

Olivia proves she’s either an evil mastermind, clinically insane, or both, when she comes back and tells JoJo -- the clearest other frontrunner here -- that she told Ben that she was falling in love with him, and that he “reciprocated.” JoJo somehow buys all this and immediately gets completely freaked out. Olivia, doing work!! Olivia is going to go one of three ways from from here: 1) on to become one of the premiere villains this show has ever seen, 2) home next episode when her facade cracks and she’s revealed, or 3) to Carrot Top’s pied a terre next to a Johnny Rockets.

The Roses

Three solid contenders don’t even have to sweat here: Becca, JoJo, and Lauren B. Two will be going home!! Olivia reads all sorts of romance novels where everything just comes together, and she presumes that this will be one of those romance novels.

Amanda: you’re first! Keep totally neglecting those kids in your quest for temporary not-even-fame! She’s like all other mothers in Vegas now. Lauren H, who is somehow becoming a contender even though I don’t think she has the long-term moves, is next, followed by Jubez, Emily (he had to), Caila, and Jennifer. Olivia not-so-quietly lets fly a stinging and completely uncalled for “seriously?” when Jen gets hers, which will become a major point of contention on the Women Tell Some live aftershow in a month or so. Just you watch! The Women Tell Some live aftershow. So you can see that I’m right about that.

Leah’s up after that, which means it’s either Olivia, Amber, or the girl whose name nobody knows. This could be a turning point. This could be Jubilee’s chance to shine as the only remaining truly crazy one. And it’s…

Olivia. She’s still here, folks. She opens her mouth wider than it’s maybe ever been open previously, to smile the smile of a lunatic victor. If the minigolf place needed to send the gigantic clown mouth for repairs, Olivia could fill in quite nicely. Although the size of her means she’d lower the par of that hole by at least a stroke. On the way out, we learn that the girl whose name nobody knows is actually called “Rachel,” and to make matters worse, has her profession listed as “unemployed.” Amber, meanwhile, stalks off, takes her shoes off, and pretends to cry on a nearby chaise lounge where all the not-in-use chairs are stored, so the cameras can pick it up, and she can start crying even harder when she hears the rest of the group do a really exuberant toast.

Next Week!

Viva Mexico!! That is the preferred paper towel brand in Mexico. Also, they’re going to Mexico! Where Ben will go on a date with Amanda and say something adorable about how much he loves her kids because he’s just a fucking sweetheart, isn’t he, Jubilee will feel unloveable (as most mutants often do), and Olivia gets busted for calling Amanda “Teen Mom,” which might even be a compliment considering she’s 25.

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Ben Robinson is Thrillist's Editorial Director, and really does spend his Monday nights doing this. Follow him to hang out with Ames in Gstaad @BatchSlap.