The Soddyssey sample story

The Soddyssey sample story

Beware the creatures of the night--they have lawyers! One of those creatures is Sodd, The Thing Called It, a vegetative monster represented by Alanna Wolff and Jeff Byrd, Counselors of the Macabre. In this excerpt from Batton Lash's "The Soddyssey, And Other Tales of Supernatural Law," Sodd finally gets his day in court—on Friday the 13th!

﻿{SIGH } TINGS ARE SO DIFFERE NT FROM VAT DEY VER IN MY DAY
UPSIDE DOWN?
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IT IS ALMOST AS IF DEE ENTIRE VORLD HAS BEEN TURNED . . .
BUT DOSE DAYS VER FILLED VIT PLEASURES AND POWER DOT DEE NEW BREED HAFF NEFFER DREAMED UFF . . .
| KNOW, FOR | VAS DERE, AND | REMEMBER
{SIGH }
| HAFF HEARD FROM DEE NEW BREED OF VAMPIRE DOT MY DAY HASS PASSED . . . DOT MY VAYS ARE DOSE OF DEE OLD VORLD
DERE VAS A TIME VEN DEE MERE MENTION OF COUNT DRACULA VOULD HAFF MEN AND VIMEN TREMBLING . . .
BUT NOWADAYS DEE ONLY VAY PEOPLE FEAR DRACULA IS IF DEY HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS!
YES, YOU UNDERSTAND. DOT IS RARE FOR A YOUNG PERSON SUCH AS YOURSELF . . .
IT IS NOT VAT IT VAS LIKE IN DEE OLD DAYS--TAKE MY VORD FOR IT . . .
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MS. WOLFF AND MR. BYRD HAD A READING OF A WILL IN CONNECTICUT THIS EVENING-BY THE WAY, IN THE FUTURE YOU MAY WANT TO CALL FIRST AND MAKE AN APPOINTMENT . . . YEAH, WELL-IT’S A COMPLICATED WORLD, COUNT--YOU GOTTA KEEP UP WITH THE TIMES OH, MAN, TIMES MUST BE TOUGH-DRACULA’S GETTING WISTFUL . . . IF THEY HAD KNOWN YOU WERE COMING BY, AT LEAST ONE OF THEM WOULD’VE STAYED HERE TO MEET WITH YOU WELL, WHAT CAN | TELL YOU, COUNT? IT’S A LITIGIOUS COUNTRY THAT MIGHT BE DEM, I MEAN THEM, NOW . . .
MAVIS, | JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW WE’RE RUNNING LATE-- WE DID A LITTLE SIGHTSEEING IN MYSTIC GROVE-- YEAH, VERY QUAINT CONNECTICUT TOWN . . . MAVIS, WAS THAT HEAVY SIGHING | HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND?
DON’T TELL ME TOBY IS THERE-ISN’T IT ENOUGH THAT HE CALLS MAVIS ALL THE TIME WHILE SHE’S AT WORK?
WHO’S THERE? COUNT DRACULA?
DRACULA? | DON’T RECALL HIM MAKING AN APPOINTMENT FOR TONIGHT.
JUST FLEW IN, EH? WELL TELL THE COUNT WE’RE ON OUR WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, OKAY? SEE YOU SOON.
| HOPE THE COUNT DOESN’T NEED OUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION--
NOT WHEN WE’VE GOT SODD’S TRIAL COMING UP ON FRIDAY
{AHEM } FRIDAY THE 13th TO BE EXACT.
OH, BYRD, DON’T START THAT AGAIN
BUT WOLFF, THERE’VE BEEN OMENS TELLING US WE SHOULDN’T GO TO TRIAL FRIDAY! SIGNS TELLING US WE SHOULD--
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YA SHUDDA WATCHED WHERE YOU WAS GOIN’, LADY
YEAH? SO SUE ME!
MISTER, YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET SUGGESTING THAT!
YOU ALMOST RAN RIGHT INTO US, YOU JERK!
EEP!
IF THIS IS 13TH STREET, |’LL SCREAM-- HUH?!
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. . . MR. LARSON, ON FRIDAY THE CITY’S CASE AGAINST SODD, THE THING CALLED IT, FINALLY GOES TO TRIAL . . .
NOT REALLY, MS. BRONSKI. SODD’S LIKE ALL CRIMINAL DEFENDANTS | TAKE TO TRIAL-- HE’S GUILTY!
CERTAINLY THE DEFENDANT IS ONE OF THE MOST UNUSUAL YOU’VE EVER HAD TO PROSECUTE . . .
DEPUTY ASSISTANT TO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY OF THE TRIAL BRANCH
WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY TREPIDATION ABOUT STARTING THE TRIAL ON THIS PARTICULAR FRIDAY--?
MR. LARSON? DID YOU HEAR THE QUESTION?
SORRY, | WAS DISTRACTED. YOU WERE SAYING, MS. BRONSKI?
| WANTED TO KNOW IF FRIDAY THE 13TH IS REALLY THE BEST DAY TO START A TRIAL WHERE THE DEFENSE LAWYERS SPECIALIZE IN REPRESENTING THE SUPERNATURAL
LOOK, |’VE KNOWN ALANNA WOLFF AND JEFF BYRD A LONG TIME. WE’VE BEEN ADVERSARIES IN COURT BEFORE.
AND THEY’RE AWARE THAT | DON’T CUT ANY SLACK FOR THE UNJUST JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE UNDEAD
THEN HOW IS IT YOU’VE NEVER WON A CASE THAT WAS DEFENDED BY WOLFF AND BYRD?
AH, THAT’S AN INTERESTING QUESTION. |--
Boye r ! IT’S ABOUT TIME! WE WERE READY TO KILL FOR THAT COFFEE!
WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TIME! |’VE GOT LOTS OF WORK TO DO-HAVE WE COVERED EVERYTHING, MIZ BRONSKI?
OH, YES, ABOUT FRIDAY THE 13TH. YOU CAN TELL YOUR READERS THAT THEIR MONEY IS GOING TO A SPEEDY TRIAL--
--TO POSTPONE A TRIAL ON THE BASIS OF A SILLY SUPERSTITION JUST WOULDN’T BE PRUDENT!
JUST ABOUT-| THINK THIS ARTICLE ON YOU WILL CAP MY SERIES ON CIVIL SERVANTS VERY NICELY.
BUT YOU STILL HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY QUESTION . . .
HUH! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THE JUDGE TOLD LARSON WHEN HE FILED THAT MOTION FOR A CONTINUANCE!
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AS PROSECUTOR, | ABIDE BY THE 5TH CANON OF ETHICS OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION--
--THAT THE PRIMARY DUTY OF A PUBLIC PROSECUTOR IS TO SECURE A CONVICTION.
UH, BURKE? THE 5TH CANON SAYS A PROSCUTOR’S PRIMARY DUTY IS TO SECURE JUSTICE.
WHATEVER. THE POINT |’M TRYING TO MAKE, MS. BRONSKI, IS THAT WOLFF AND BYRD INSIST THAT EVEN MONSTERS ARE ENTITLED TO DUE PROCESS, BUT THERE’S NO GETTING AROUND THE FACT THAT THEIR CLIENT IS A MONSTER.
| THINK SUCH DEDICATION IS ADMIRABLE, AND YOU CAN BE SURE |’M GOING TO SAY SO IN PRINT.
BOYER!
BUT | HAVE TO INSIST THAT YOU STOP CALLING ME “MS. BRONSKI”-- MY NAME IS ROBERTA. IF YOU DON’T MIND, |’D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU FURTHER--OFF THE RECORD . . .
|’M NO HERO. MY OBLIGATION IS TO THE PEOPLE . . . AND |’M JUST DOING MY JOB.
OKAY, BURKE?
WHAT NERVE! THAT REPORTER SPENT HOURS INTERVIEWING BURKE AND NOW SHE WANTS MORE OFF THE RECORD! | BET BURKE SENT ME OUT TO CHECK ON THE SODD CASE FILE SO HE WOULDN’T HAVE TO EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF ME FOR WASTING HIS TIME . . .
AS LONG AS WE’RE OFF THE RECORD, ROBERTA, | COULDN’T HELP NOTICING THAT BEAUTIFUL SET OF GAMS OF YOURS . . .
DEPUTY ASSISTANT TO THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY OF THE TRIAL BRANCH
OH, BURKE, YOU EMBARRASS ME . . . {GIGGLE }
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THE CITY HAS A SUIT AGAINST YOU, BUILDING INSPECTORS ARE ON YOUR BACK, AND NOW SOMEONE’S FILED A SUIT OF EJECTMENT TO GET TITLE TO THIS MAUSOLEUM . . .
IS THAT EVERYTHING, OR DID | MISS A CRISIS?
DO YOU HEAR-EVIL!!
SWEETHEART, PLEASE. |’VE GOT JETLAG, SO MY THRESHOLD FOR MELODRAMA IS AT A LOW POINT.
|’M TELLING YOU, CHASE, WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME IS EVIL . . .
| HOPE YOU APPRECIATE WHAT |’VE GONE THROUGH IN ORDER TO BE IN COURT HERE AND ARGUE A CASE IN FRONT OF LOUISIANA LAWYERS WATCHING ME GROPE AROUND THE NAPOLEONIC CODE . . . | CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON’T JUST STAY HERE
WHY? BECAUSE |’VE GOT A LOT OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS |’VE BEEN NEGLECTING IN NEW YORK . . .
CHASE? WHAT IS IT? WHY CAN’T YOU TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG?
IT’S HER, ISN’T IT? --AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE | TOLD YOU THAT IF YOU WANT TO SMOKE, USE THE VERANDA.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HONEY--
| WANT TO HELP-WHAT IS IT IN NEW ORLEANS THAT’S GETTING TO YOU?
THE ONLY REASON | AGREED TO REPRESENT YOU IS SOME OLD-FASHIONED IDEA | HAD OF SETTLING A DEBT WITH YOU. AND WHEN THIS MATTER IS RESOLVED, WE ARE--
YEAH? SO WHAT-IT’S ONLY BATS! YOU WANTED ATMOSPHERE TO WRITE YOUR NOVELS IN . . . LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE GETTING YOUR MONEY’S WORTH . . .
CHASE, DO YOU THINK YOUR LADY LAWYER FRIEND WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WORKING FOR ME?
? !
LISTEN!
SHH!
YES . . . IT’S ONLY BATS.
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BYRD, | SHOULD’VE DROPPED YOU OFF AT HOME AFTER THAT NEAR ACCIDENT--YOU’RE STILL SHAKEN
WE’VE NEVER STARTED A TRIAL ON FRIDAY THE 13th-AND FOR THE PAST WEEK |’VE BEEN SEEING ALL THESE WARNING SIGNS THAT WE’RE PUSHING OUR LUCK!
STOP THAT!
NO, I’M NOT, WOLFF--|’M JUST TRYING TO GET YOU TO BE AWARE OF THE OMENS |’VE BEEN NOTICING
BUT YOU’RE SO CUTE WHEN YOU PANIC
OKAY, GUYS, |’M THROUGH FOR THE EVENING. SODD’S WAITING FOR YOU. | GUESS THE COUNT HASN’T COME BACK YET. HE SAID HE WAS GOING OUT FOR A BITE . . .
HMM. DID HE GIVE YOU ANY IDEA OF WHAT HE WANTED TO SEE US ABOUT?
NO, BUT HE SEEMED PRETTY DOWN-- IF YOU ASK ME, INSTEAD OF BLOOD HE COULDA USED A V-8!
SAY, MAVIS, DID DRACULA MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT THE NUMBER 13?
MAVIS, GET OUT NOW, WHILE YOU CAN
THEY’RE ALL YOURS, SODD
WOLFF, | GET THE FEELING THAT YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY
WE’VE BEEN ABLE TO WORK WITH THE SUPERNATURAL FOR YEARS--NOW’S NOT THE TIME TO THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND
BYRD, IF YOU PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO THESE SUPERSTITIONS, YOU’LL JUST CREATE A SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY!
BESIDES, WHAT DOES IT SAY TO OUR CLIENTS IF WE POSTPONE A TRIAL BECAUSE ONE OF THE LAWYERS HAS COME DOWN WITH TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA?
TRISKAIDEKAWHAT?
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IT’S FEAR OF THE NUMBER 13, SODD
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, MY TRIAL IS SUPPOSED TO START AT 1:00 P.M.--
--THAT WOULD BE 1300 HOURS ON FRIDAY THE 13th-- YOU THINK WE SHOULD RISK THAT? LISTEN TO ME-BOTH OF YOU--
A-HA!
WE’VE HAD CLIENTS WHO ARE VAMPIRES, WEREWOLVES, GHOSTS-YOU NAME IT. |’M NOT GOING TO LET FRIDAY THE 13th FAZE ME. UNDERSTOOD?
OKAY, MS. WOLFF, OKAY--IT’S JUST THIS SEED OF DOUBT | HAVE . . .
SURE. YOU’VE MADE YOU’RE A BIG A CAREER OUT OF YOUR ENOUGH CELEBRITY NOTORIETY . . . YOU’VE GOT THAT SOMEONE EVEN A BOOK AND A TV MOVIE TRIED TO FILE A PATERNITY IN THE WORKS, AN SUIT AGAINST YOU! AGENT . . . | THOUGHT THAT WHEN | HIT PAYDIRT, |’D BE IN GREEN PASTURES . . . BUT FAME IS SO FLEETING . . .
YOU’RE JUSTIFIABLY NERVOUS ABOUT THE CASE NOT GOING IN YOUR FAVOR . . .
BUT | ASSURE YOU WE’RE READY TO PRESENT AN EXCELLENT ARGUMENT ON YOUR BEHALF
|’M SURE YOU ARE-BUT | CAN’T SHAKE THIS FEELING--
--THAT THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT AFTER |’VE HAD MY DAY IN COURT!
HE’S UP THERE WITH HIS LAWYERS HIS TRIAL IS THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW-WE CAN’T WAIT MUCH LONGER
YES. WE MUST PUT NEMAWASHI INTO EFFECT . . .
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NO WONDER | HAVEN’T HEARD FROM DAWN LATELY--SHE’S IN L.A.!
. . . WE’RE BACK HERE ON THE CHIP AND TRISH MORNING SHOW. WE’VE BEEN DISCUSSING THE SODD TRIAL, WHICH GETS UNDER WAY TOMORROW . . .
TRISH, DID YOU SEE ROBERTA BRONSKI’S ARTICLE IN TODAY’S PAPER?
AFTER ALL THE BAD OMENS |’VE BEEN SEEING THIS WEEK, GETTING DAWN’S POSTCARD IS A GOOD SIGN . . .
| SURE DID, CHIP! BOY, THAT BURKE LARSON IS REALLY SOMETHING! IT’S DOWNRIGHT INSPIRING TO READ ABOUT SOMEONE SO COMMITTED TO HIS PRINCIPLES!
| MEAN, SHE WOULDN’T WRITE IF SHE DIDN’T CARE, RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, TRISH, IT AMAZING TO THINK THAT THEY’RE LETTING MONSTERS INTO THE COURTROOM THESE DAYS-- AND |’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE LAWYERS!
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? | KNOW SHE LIKES ME-- | SHOULDN’T BE INTIMIDATED JUST BECAUSE SHE’S A YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL MODEL . . . AND | CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LIKES ME . . .
GOOD ONE, CHIP
BUT SERIOUSLY, TRISH, IT’S REFRESHING TO HEAR THIS MAN FOR THE PEOPLE TAKE A TOUGH STAND ON MONSTERS
JUST MY LUCK DAWN IS OUT OF TOWN DURING THE TRIAL . . . | WONDER IF SHE’LL HEAR ABOUT IT OUT THERE AND THINK OF ME--
GEEZ! ENOUGH ABOUT LARSON ALREADY! | DIDN’T THINK HE HAD A STAND ON ANYTHING BUT HIS OWN CAREER!
WHAT THE HECK--COULDN’T HURT!
LUCK. HMM . . .
WHEN WOLFF ARGUES WITH HIM IN OPEN COURT, EVERYONE WILL SEE HIS CASE AGAINST SODD FALL APART . . .
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HERE’S YOUR CHANGE, MS. WOLFF . . . AND BY THE WAY, GOOD LUCK WITH THE TRIAL TOMORROW-| SEE IN THE PAPER HOW YOU’RE UP AGAINST ONE OF THE TOUGHEST PROSECUTORS IN THE CITY
OH, BROTHER-ROBERTA BRONSKI PORTRAYS LARSON LIKE HE’S OUT TO VANQUISH SOME DEMONIC PREDATOR--
| AM?
WHEN ALL HE’S REALLY DONE IS MAKE SOME TRUMPED UP CHARGES AGAINST A POOR SCHNOOK WHO TURNED INTO A WALKING VEGETABLE . . .
LARSON WOULD FAINT IF HE THOUGHT SODD WAS REALLY DANGEROUS . . .
MAVIS SEEMS TO BE CONSTANTLY DISTRACTED AT WORK BY HER BOYFRIEND . . . BYRD IS SEEING OMENS OF IMPENDING DOOM . . . AND | HAVEN’T RESOLVED MY RIFT WITH CHASE . . . | LIKED THE WAY THINGS WERE GOING WITH CHASE-BUT HE’S KEEPING SOMETHING FROM ME . . . HIS TRIPS TO NEW ORLEANS ARE GETTING MORE AND MORE FREQUENT
|’LL JUST ADD THIS LITTLE PUFF PIECE TO MY GROWING LIST OF IRRITATIONS . . .
AND FROM WHAT BYRD TELLS ME, DAWN FEELS | “STOLE” CHASE FROM HER AND THAT CHASE IS ONLY USING ME . . .
|’VE GOT TO PUT ALL THAT ASIDE-- AND JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE TRIAL. IF |’M NOT CAREFUL--
|’LL BE SEEING BAD LUCK OMENS, TOO!
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IF IT’S THE SPOTLIGHT YOU’RE SEEKING, BOYER, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG JOB! WE’RE ALL WORKING AS A TEAM HERE! UNDERSTAND? GOOD! NOW GO DOWN TO THE NEWSSTAND AND PICK UP SOME EXTRA COPIES FOR ME . . . YESSIR! | THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU TOLD HER HOW MUCH WORK | PUT INTO THE CASE. | DON’T SEE MY NAME MENTIONED ONCE!
GREAT ARTICLE, ROBERTA-- MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO A FOLLOW-UP WELL, | PLAN TO ATTEND THE TRIAL--
|’M GLAD THEY GOT BURKE LARSON TO PROSECUTE SODD
THIS WOMAN DESERVES A PULITZER, BOYER
|’M ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A CRUSADER WHO APPEALS TO THE PUBLIC . . . AND WHO APPEALS TO ME, TOO!
WHAT DO | TELL MY KIDS WHEN THEY SEE A MONSTER ROAMING THE STREETS?
HOW CAN | REST? TRIAL’S TOMORROW . . . MY AGENT AND MY DESPITE MY BIOGRAPHER BOTH SAID CELEBRITY, IT ALL THEY’D BE THERE . . . BUT FEELS SO EMPTY . . . | DON’T HAVE ONE FRIEND TO TURN TO TONIGHT! | HAVE NO PURPOSE . . . | GUESS |’M JUST {CHOKE } A BIG OLD SCARY MONSTER . . .
S O DD!
OVER HERE!
Yiiii!!
WHO THE HELL-
-l l ll0 0 0!
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YEAH, | HEARD HE’S ONE OF THE BEST
TOBY, YOU’VE GOT TO STOP CALLING ME SO MUCH AT THE OFFICE . . . WITH THE SODD TRIAL STARTING TOMORROW, THINGS HAVE BEEN HECTIC-|’LL SAY--
THE LAST COUPLE OF TIMES | CALLED, ALANNA SAID YOU WERE TOO BUSY TO COME TO THE PHONE . . .
SO SODD’S UPSET ABOUT THE BRONSKI PIECE? | TOLD HIM HE’S GOT TO EXPECT STORIES LIKE THAT-- | ADVISED HIM TO GET A GOOD NIGHT’S REST SO HE’LL BE FRESH AS A DAISY FOR THE TRIAL TOMORROW . . .
MS. WOLFF TOOK YOUR CALLS?
IF ANYONE CAN PUT HIM AWAY, IT’S BURKE LARSON! SAYS SO IN THE PAPER!
OH, YEAH-- SHE MUST BE UPSET OVER THAT LARSON PIECE IN THE PAPER-- SHE WAS REALLY SHORT WITH ME!
TOBY, WE’VE GOT TO TALK . . .
| DIDN’T MEAN TO STARTLE YOU-PLEASE HEAR ME OUT! YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE FOR A REASON . . . THE FATE OF THE PLANET HANGS IN THE BALANCE! WE NEED YOU TO HELP US!
DON’T WORRY, SODD. THEY’RE FRIENDS! THEY CAME WITH ME TO NEW YORK TO CARRY OUT NEMAWASHI! US?
NEMAWHATTY? IS THAT ANYTHING LIKE TRISKAIDEKAPHOBIA?
TRISKAIDEKAWH0?
WE’RE WASTING TIME, FERN! TELL HIM THE PLAN-- IT’S ALREADY MIDNIGHT!
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YOU HAFF DONE VELL GETTING MY PERSONAL EFFECTS BACK FOR ME IN DEE PAST . . .
NOW | REQUIRE YOUR HELP IN SECURING VUN UFF MY ESTATES . . . MY OWNERSHIP SEEMS TO BE IN QVESTION . . .
SUCH AN INDIGNITY VOULD NEFFER HAFF HAPPENED TO ME IN DEE OLD COUNTRY! IN DOSE DAYS, | VOULD’VE JUST-UH, COUNT--?
AS | MENTIONED BEFORE, WE HAVE A TRIAL THAT STARTS LATER TODAY . . .
SO IF THIS PROBLEM DOESN’T REQUIRE IMMEDIATE ATTENTION, WE’LL CERTAINLY SEE WHAT WE CAN DO TO HELP YOU SECURE THE TITLE TO THAT ESTATE
CAN YOU PROVIDE US WITH WHATEVER DOCUMENTATION YOU HAVE ON THIS MATTER?
YESS-| VILL FORVARD DEE NECESSARY PAPERS FOR YOUR PERUSAL . . .
| APPRECIATE YOUR ATTENTION TO DIS MATTER. CALL ME SENTIMENTAL, BUT | VOULD JUST DIE IFF | LOST MY BEAUTIFUL HOME IN--
NEW ORLEANS!
HUH! A HELL OF A WAY TO KICK OFF FRIDAY THE 13th, EH, WOLFF?
LET’S GET BACK TO POLISHING THE OPENING STATEMENT FOR THE TRIAL, BYRD--WE’VE GOT A LONG DAY AHEAD OF US . . .
“HEAR YE, HEAR YE . . . COURT IS NOW IN SESSION . . .
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“HONARABLE JUDGE JUDGE CHAMBERS PRESIDING . . .
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, THE STATE WILL PROVE THAT HERBERT MOSS, AKA SODD, A NATURAL PERSON, ON THE DAY OF JANUARY 28 COMMITTED THE FOLLOWING CRIMES . . .
“PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK VERSUS HERBERT MOSS, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS SODD, CASE NO. 44-0222621
MR. LARSON, YOU HAVE THE OPENING STATEMENT FOR THE PROSECUTION?
YES, YOUR HONOR OKAY, ROBERTA, | SAW YOU COME IN . . . GET READY, DOLL-- IT’S SHOWTIME!
GEEZ-| JUST NOTICED THERE ARE EIGHT JURORS AND FIVE ALTERNATES . . .
WHEW! |’M GLAD BYRD HASN’T MADE A A BIG DEAL ABOUT THERE BEING THIRTEEN PEOPLE ON THE JURY . . .
YOU WILL HEAR TESTIMONY OF POLICE OFFICERS, AS WELL AS OF FIVE WITNESSES WHO WILL TELL OF THEIR HORRIFIC ENCOUNTERS WITH THE DEFENDANT
THE FORENSIC EVIDENCE WILL SHOW THAT SAP FOUND AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME COULD BELONG TO NO OTHER CREATURE BUT SODD . . .
| WANT TO LAY YOU . . .
| MEAN, | WANT TO LAY OUT FOR YOU THE TIME LINE OF THE DEFENDANT’S ACTIONS OF THAT DAY . . . @#$%&!
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AS BURKE LARSON
DELIVERS HIS OPENING STATEMENT, THE VARIOUS PEOPLE IN AND OUT OF SODD’S LIFE ARE LOST IN THEIR OWN THOUGHTS . . . HMM . . . ROBERTA SAYS LARSON IS CHARISMATIC-- MAYBE HE’S GOT TO WARM UP A BIT . . .
| CAN’T GET A GRASP ON WHAT SODD IS FEELING-HEJUST SITS THERE LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG!
WHO KNOWS? HE MAY WORK OUT AS A CLIENT IF SODD GOES TO JAIL . . .
RANSOM RICARD, ACTOR (LEAD IN SODD TV MOVIE)
NILES PIB, AUTHOR/ BIOGRAPHER
HMM-- TOO . . . FLORID? WELL, IT IS SODD, AFTER ALL.
SYLVIA WISHMAN, SODD’S PR AGENT
OONA SQUIDGULUM, PLAINTIFF IN SODD PATERNITY SUIT (CASE DISMISSED)
LOOK, ARTHUR-THAT’S THE MAN WHO WANTS TO PUT DADDY AWAY . . .
FINALLY . . . . . . AND REST ASSURED YOU WILL RETURN A VERDICT THAT WILL PULL THE WEED OF CRIME BEFORE IT BEARS ANY MORE OF ITS BITTER FRUIT. THANK YOU.
--MS. WOLFF, YOU MAY PROCEED FOR THE DEFENSE.
GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY. |’D LIKE YOU TO EXAMINE THE-{AHEM} |’D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING ON MY BEHALF
ALL RIGHT--
THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR
GIVE ME A BREAK!
?!
SODD, THAT’S WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR-- SIT DOWN!
WELL, WHAT | HAVE TO SAY IS ACTUALLY ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US . . .
COUNSLORS-INSTRUCT YOUR CLIENT TO SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!
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LET ME STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT | AM NO LONGER A MAN--
| HAVE BECOME ONE WITH THE GREEN!
| AM NO LONGER PART OF A SPECIES THAT THOUGHTLESSLY DAMAGES AND POLLUTES THE LAND . . .
SO HOW CAN | SIT HERE AND BE JUDGED WHEN THE REAL FELONS ROAM FREE TO CONTINUE TO DESTROY THE ENVIRONMENT?
SODD, PLEASE! THIS IS IRRELEVANT TO YOUR CASE--! MR. SODD-|’M GOING TO HOLD YOU FOR CONTEMPT!
NOW HE RAISES HIS CONSCIOUSNESS?
IT’S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT WHATEVER CHANGED ME FROM MAN TO PLANT HAD A GRAND PLAN FOR ME TO SERVE THE COLLECTIVE GOOD . . .
LARSON-WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? MAKE A MOTION FOR A MISTRIAL!
IS SODD NUTS? | WISH HE’D TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO DO THIS-- | WOULD’VE PUNCHED UP THAT SPEECH FOR HIM!
MY PLACE IS NOT HERE, BUT OUT ON EARTH’S BATTLEFIELD, WHERE MAN WAGES WAR AGAINST NATURE
YOU DO IT, BOYER-- |’M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE! SODD LOOKS LIKE HE’S READY TO GO BERSERK!
JEEZ-US! THE MORE HE SPEAKS, THE MORE MY SINUSES ACT UP!
WHAT ARE WE LEAVING FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS? HOW DO WE EXPLAIN TO THE CHILDREN THAT THEIR WORLD IS BARELY HABITABLE? HOW--
{SOB } THAT’S YOUR DADDY, ARTHUR-MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR YOU!
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STATISTICS SHOW THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS--EH?
MR. SODD--!!
MAYBE YOU COULDN’T HEAR ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE POTATOES IN YOUR EAR, BUT | AM HEREBY CHARGING YOU WITH CONTEMPT---AND ORDERING THE BAILIFFS TO REMAND YOU IN CUSTODY!
SORRY, JUDGE-| COULDN’T HEAR YOU-|’VE GOT A POTATO IN MY EAR . . . COME AGAIN?
BAILIFFS!
STEP HIM BACK!
OKAY, PLANT BOY, HANDS UP--
YOU’RE NOT GONNA SEE SUNLIGHT FOR A WHILE!
e H y ! !
| APOLOGIZE TO THE COURT, YOUR HONOR-|’M SURE THAT IF | CONSULT WITH SODD |’LL FIND OUT WHAT’S BEHIND HIS ERRATIC BEHAVIOR--
| DOUBT IT, COUNSELOR--
--NOT WHEN YOUR CLIENT MAKES LIKE A TREE AND LEAVES!
{UGH } | ALWAYS GET NAUSEOUS WHEN | DO THIS . . .
BURKE! GET UP! HOW CAN YOU FAINT AT A TIME LIKE THIS? YOU’RE REPRESENTING THE STATE!
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“ALTHOUGH NO CAMERAS WERE ALLOWED IN THE COURTROOM, OUR ACTION REMOTE UNIT CAUGHT SODD AS HE WAS ESCAPING DOWN THE OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE WALL. SODD TOOK FLIGHT MOMENTS AFTER HE DRAMATICALLY INTERRUPTED HIS OWN DEFENSE LAWYER’S OPENING STATEMENT TO GIVE AN IMPASSIONED PLEA TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. SODD’S WHEREABOUTS ARE UNKNOWN . . . POLICE ARE COMBING THE LANDSCAPE FOR ANYONE FITTING SODD’S DESCRIPTION . . .
“HOURS AFTER SODD’S ESCAPE, THE STATION RECEIVED A CALL FROM A RADICAL ENVIRONMENTAL GROUP CALLING THEMSELVES TERRA-ISTS. THEY CLAIM THEY SUCCESSFULLY PERFORMED A “SPIRITUAL” NEMAWASHI ON SODD. “NEMAWASHI” IS A TERM FOR CUTTING AROUND THE ROOTS OF A PLANT BEFORE IT IS TO BE TRANSPLANTED. HERE IS A PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT OF THE TERRA-ISTS’ CALL . . .
“SODD’S ATTORNEYS STATED THEY HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE ACTION THEIR CLIENT WAS GOING TO TAKE AND WERE UNAWARE OF HIS AFFILIATION WITH THE TERRA-ISTS. ALANNA WOLFF AND JEFF BYRD, THE SOCALLED COUNSELORS OF THE MACABRE, DECLINED TO COMMENT ANY FURTHER.
“COLUMNIST ROBERTA BRONSKI WAS IN THE COURTROOM AT THE TIME OF THE EVENT. ROBERTA, WHAT WAS YOUR OBSERVATION OF THE MENTAL CONDITION OF THIS CREATURE?
WELL, KEN, IT’S HARD TO ARGUE WITH THE MESSAGE SODD SO PASSIONATELY PRESENTED . . .
“| FOUND MYSELF WITH TEARS IN MY EYES WHEN SODD SPOKE IN COURT TODAY. WE ARE DESTROYING OUR PLANET. WE ARE LEAVING A TOXIC LEGACY TO OUR MOST CHERISHED NATURAL RESOURCE- THE CHILDREN! THE CRIMES FOR WHICH SODD WAS STANDING TRIAL SEEM SO INCONSEQUENTIAL GIVEN THE BIG PICTURE . . . PERHAPS THE PROSECUTOR SHOULD LOOK BEYOND SODD’S PECCADILLOS . . . AND THINK HARD ON WHAT THIS PRINCIPLED FUGITIVE HAD TO SAY . . .
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING, SODD!
GEE, FERN, | NEVER REALIZED WHAT BAD SHAPE THE ENVIRONMENT WAS IN UNTIL YOU TOLD ME
SODD! GET UNDER THE CANVAS! YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SPOT YOU? WE’RE STILL MILES AWAY FROM OUR CAMP! WE’RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET . . .
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“NO ONE WAS INJURED DURING SODD’S ESCAPE, BUT THERE WERE SEVERAL REPORTS OF RASHES AND ALLERGY ATTACKS IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY. A SERIOUS INJURY WAS AVERTED WHEN PROSECUTOR BURKE LARSON WAS PULLED OUT OF HARM’S WAY BY HIS ASSISTANT, GEORGE BOYER. APPARENTLY, LARSON HAD PASSED OUT DURING THE COURTROOM SCUFFLE. BOYER PLAYS DOWN HIS ACT OF BRAVERY . . .
MEANWHILE, BOYER FILED A MOTION FOR MISTRIAL, ARGUING THAT THE JURY CAN’T POSSIBLY RETURN AN IMPARTIAL VERDICT-AT THIS TIME JUDGE CHAMBERS HASN’T DECIDED HOW HE WILL RULE . . .
ARRGH! AFTER A DAY OF DAMAGE CONTROL AND SODD HUNTING. |’M CALLING IT A NIGHT . . .
AND | DON’T WANT TO HEAR ONE WORD ABOUT IT BEING FRIDAY THE 13th.
|’M NO HERO. MY OBLIGATION IS TO THE PEOPLE, AND |’M JUST DOING MY JOB.
| DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING-| DIDN’T EVEN POINT OUT THAT JUDGE CHAMBERS’ NAME HAS 13 LETTERS IN IT . . .
GOOD NIGHT, BYRD
MAYBE SODD SHOULD STAY IN HIDING--IF WOLFF FINDS HIM, SHE’LL RIP HIM LIMB FROM LIMB!
SOME DAYS IT DOESN’T PAY TO GET OUT OF BED
SHEESH! | SHOULDN’T HAVE HARPED ON FRIDAY THE 13th SO MUCH . . . WAS IT SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY? WHATEVER-- THE DAY’S OVER. IT CAN’T GET ANY WORSE . . .
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS-- LONGTIME HOLLYWOOD HEARTTHROB ROLLIN TERRY ENDED HIS BACHELORHOOD TODAY--
THE 55-YEAR-OLD ACTOR/PRODUCER ELOPED WITH EAST COAST MODEL DAWN DEVINE
IT WAS A WHIRLWIND COURTSHIP-- THEY MET ON MONDAY AND DECIDED TO WED TODAY, IN A LAS VEGAS CHAPEL. WHEN ASKED IF SHE HAD ANY RESERVATIONS ABOUT MARRYING ON FRIDAY THE 13th, THE NEW BRIDE SAID:
“|’M SO HAPPY-HOW COULD | EVER THINK OF THIS WONDERFUL DAY AS EVER BEING BAD LUCK?!”
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