Alas, the annual Figgy Pudding Festival, highest holy day on the White Bourgeoisie calendar, went off on Friday without a hitch. Cops were everywhere, and there was not a single, solitary mohawk in sight. Woo-Hoo!

Why is Figgy Pudding so special to upper-middle-class whites and the upper-middle-class whites at heart (Asian girls I’m looking at you)?

Are you kidding?

Singing Christmas carols, on the downtown streets of a major city, to benefit the homeless, while the homeless are kept far, far away?

We’re talking urban adventure without the risk, an audience of thousands watching you sing like Whitney, and

Child Bullying, minority displacing, priapism curing, emotionally-stunted, psychopathic, pathetic cowards on the lookout for grown-ups or anyone who might be able to fight back.

You know, I’ve taken on the local protest groups quite a bit in the pages of my blog, but I’ve always done so as a protestor myself, and there’s always been at least some element of tongue-in-cheek expression in my opposition. Despite my criticism of their sincerity, I’ve always maintained some level of hope that I was wrong about them, and I’ve always felt a tiny bit of, even if it is not always palpable,

Portland. A place so pretentious, that people come to Seattle for authenticity.

Portland used to be cool. Then, as the wage gap widened over the past decade, the offspring of the wealthy moved in, kicked the cool out, and before you knew it, the town was flooded with vinegar and water.

Now, you can’t walk down a Portland street without being beaten over the head by manufactured quirkiness.

“Look everyone, that guy is riding a unicycle, isn’t he quirky?”

“Look everyone, that girl has a donut-sized ear piercing, isn’t she quirky?”

Ah, climate change. Single-most fashionable cause of the last decade. It’s still going strong, and unlike that “human trafficking” thing that Ashton and Demi got white people worked up about a few years ago, shows no sign of fading out.

By the way, did you ever notice that black people don’t seem to care about global warming?

Hispanics either.

In fact, it’s sort of intriguing, but much like those other periodic causes, the aforementioned “human trafficking”, “girl’s self-esteem”,

While sorting through my photos this evening, I was reminded of a couple of guys who stole the show last weekend at the Bite of Seattle.

During one band’s set, two guys from the audience had proceeded to, uh, dance.

While they were obviously being goofy, they actually had talent. For instance, the guy in the white did a dive, transitioned into a breakdance two-step, then did a few baby swipes before getting back up and spazzing out. The guy in blue, well, the guy in blue reminded me of who Flava Flav would be were he white.

When I realized that Washington would be one of the first states in the union to legalize marijuana, I had some concerns.

Not because I thought it should remain illegal, no, the War on Some Drugs When Used by Poor People is nuts. Instead, I was concerned because I didn’t think the least considerate state in the country would be good torchbearers for the new policy.

The nation’s eyes are on our fair state to see how legalization will play out in normal, polite society, and as I stood outside with my family watching the fireworks last night,

It was cool, and it was entertaining in spots … it usually is, but this year more than any other, I felt as if I were watching a really, really long commercial.

I kind of was.

As the corporate groups passed by, one of the guys MC’ing the parade appeared to be reading an advertising copy for the companies … Alaskan Airlines, Uber, and at one point, we were even encouraged to “Let’s hear it for Starbucks!”

Despite the whole “progressive” routine, we Seattleites love large corporations like few other cities.

I don’t understand white people. Seriously. I am to white people what Tiger Woods is to black people.

For instance, I’ve never been camping. I’ve been invited, but I never wanted anything to do with it. Trust me, if you’ve ever spent a night sleeping on the New York City Subway because you didn’t have a place to go home to, you thank your lucky stars each and every day you have a king-sized bed, five computers, a quiet place to shit, and a door that locks. You sure as hell don’t leave it all

When it’s an unprecedented event, and only a few blocks from your home … you kind of have to go.

After waiting roughly an hour, however, I forwent waving to the players as they passed by on 4th Avenue. Instead, I contented myself to celebrate my unbridled joy with what has been reported to be between 200,000-500,000 people.

I suppose it was entertaining on some level, although I’m still not sure I’ll ever fully agree with these kinds of priorities.

Hilloween 2013 was held this weekend, and as usual, we could not resist attending.

I like Hilloween for a number of reasons, but perhaps my favorite event pastime is watching wayward hipsters show up.

Every year, a handful of ex-suburban dillknockers show up at Cal Anderson Park dressed up in their “sexy” costumes, and every year, I watch as a look of confusion, and then rage comes over their faces.

See, when they read the flyers proclaiming Hilloween to be child-friendly, they naturally assumed that by “child”, the organizers mean people from 21-50 years old. This is

Last Monday, I was speaking with someone about the upcoming May Day festivities.

“Seattle doesn’t have riots”, I told him, “we have hissy fits.”

Shortly before the protests started, I explained to another person, “Seattle riots are different than most. Here, there’ll be 100 white guys with $5,000 cameras trying to make a name for themselves on Facebook, interspersed with perhaps 30 actual rioters. They aren’t so much rebellions, as loosely choreographed photo-ops.”

Thursday morning, I got a three-word email from the latter individual. “You called it.”, it read.

I’ve been busy for the past couple of weeks, and I have a backlog of photos that I just haven’t had fifteen spare minutes to post.

Back on February 9th, the annual Chinese New Year celebration was held in the I.D., and I was surprised by the number of people that turned out.

In my opinion, Seattle’s Chinatown has always been underrated. Obviously, it’s nowhere near as large as New York’s or San Francisco’s, but it’s quite large and cohesive for a city of 600,000 people, and it’s as authentic as they

After all, they don’t have to wait 10 minutes each way for an elevator when they leave their homes; don’t have to smell what 15 people are cooking for dinner … at the same time; don’t have to listen to their neighbor argue with her partner at 2am every morning.

After coming home from work last Friday, I felt like making some noise; so I plugged in my guitar, played the first three bars of ‘Spoonman’, and almost as if on queue … a

Downtown Seattle is a much more pleasant place in the fall than it is in the summer. Less traffic, less heat, more lights, fewer bopo boys with skateboards and pit bills, fewer homeless people, fewer tourists, fewer homeless tourists … from the perspective of a resident, it’s just better in every way.

Last night, it was even better than usual.

On Friday, roughly between the hours of 5pm and 8:30pm, Pine Street was closed from 4th Street to 7th Street for the 26th Annual “Figgy

Yesterday, “Hilloween” (Capitol Hill Halloween) was once again celebrated in Cal Anderson Park.

Kids aged 1-51 got freebies from local businesses, played games, and were treated to concerts from a variety of performers … the most popular being the Recess Monkey, a children’s music group based right here in Seattle.

The festivities were topped off with a costume parade around the Cal water volcano, after which neighborhood kids trick-or-treated up and down Broadway.

At 10:00am this morning, the Seattle Department of Parks & Recreation sponsored “The Greatest Easter Egg Hunt Ever” at Cal Anderson Park, and I was in attendance. I watched as my sprogs jumped in a moon bounce, got their faces painted, and of course … hunted for Easter eggs.

Now, when 200 kids are involved, an “Easter egg hunt” is always a misnomer. Trust me, there is no “hunting” involved. “Easter egg rugby game” or “grand theft Easter egg” are far more accurate descriptions.

Today, at about 11am, a group of men ran through the Fremont neighborhood with pumpkins on their head … and no clothes.

Why?

I honestly have no idea. There are a half-dozen “naked” events every year in this town, and I’ve yet to fully grasp the fascination with this particular form of expression. Different strokes, though. I go out and cover these events because they’re unique to Seattle and the local media refuses to show them uncensored. Given the number of views these things get, there is also a clear public interest in streaking as an art form.

Things got real this afternoon as about a thousand people descended on Downtown Seattle in the largest single turnout for Occupy Seattle since the beginning of the campaign.

For the first time, I am very cautiously optimistic that this could be the beginning of a snowball. I’m starting to have a minute shred of optimism. I’m starting to get my hopes up ever so slightly that this could be the start of something big.

If you’re not convinced, that’s good. Skepticism is the most important trait one can have at this point in time. I’m still not 100% convinced

For those who are unaware, in order to show solidarity with the ‘Occupy Wall Street Crowd’ in New York, a group of Seattleites have endeavored to occupy Westlake Park. They are going to try to occupy it for the next 72 hours.

Why Westlake Park?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I guess because it’s the most visible public space in Seattle, but I’m not sure what it’s going to change.

Now, I can already hear it: “Rex, you crap on everything we do, but at