I am so uniformly unhappy with every part of my life.

And I have no idea how to change this. I have never, ever felt like this. DL depressives, how in the hell do you live like this day in and day out?\
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I hate my job, got dumped, lost my beloved father, can''t have pets in my new place (that I had to get because my husband dumped me), suddenly think I am just a toxic human, believe in nothing, hate the new fall TV shows, don''t even want to have sex, wish I had the courage to jump, hate myself for being so self-indulgent. Nothing makes me feel anything but despair. \
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Again, this is the first time in my life I have felt like this. It''s been going on for weeks. And now I can''t even sleep.

Thus my rant/post

It gets better! :) :) :) :)

Well, as long as you don''t have a spinal cord injury, this too shall pass.

Someone With A Spinal Cord Injury

How are you? I''m 41 and feel exactly the same only that I have no reason whatsoever to complain. I am in a long relationship, we have a child, no debts, parents still healthy, good job. I don''t know what it is, but I feel depressed and want to get more out of life but I don''t know what.%0D\
%0D\
Good luck, OP. I hope we both find what we are looking for (whatever it is).

Tomorrow may be better. You are alive now. I know that may seem like something that doesn''t matter but it does.\
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You are alive. You are not alone in this world, and tomorrow may be better. You have to hang on for the better times. \
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Live.

Why live? Why? I am not some 19 year old Rutgers student with evil roommates. I''m in my mid 30s. Single again. With so many damn flaws and issues. With debt. With no more hope of "the future" that kept my going when I was young. It''s all so sad and so damn banal. It just seems the next 35 years will be waiting to die and trying to find some semblance of ephemeral joy in the meantime. Just like my first 35 years, but with a sagging ass. God, I hate myself right now. I want to slap my own face.

OP, waiting for the well deserved hate to come

It must be horrible to feel so bad, OP. We hope things get better for you.

The Orphans of Darfur

Get some regular exercise. That''s bound to make you feel better about a lot of things. You''d be surprised.

Tarquin

I workout six days a week. I''m not the usual DL basement dweller.

Excuse me, Miss, but with all due respect, I have problems of my own.

Mariah Carey

You should volunteer, OP! Perhaps an animal shelter.

R6 made me laugh. %0D\
%0D\
Tarquin is usually retarded, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. Exercising can make a difference if you''re a first-time depressive.

Been there. Done that. Got therapy. Got better. %0D\
%0D\
Linear time drags you into plenty of shit, but it drags you out, too. Eventually. So hold on and direct your energy to sorting this out. %0D\
%0D\
Because you cannot now answer the question, "Why live?," does not mean that next month or the month after that or at some other point in the future, you will not have that answer.

OP, you''re reacting to a deluge of negative events, which is completely different from being "a depressive" as you put it. Clinical depression is caused by body chemistry, not by external stimuli.\
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The good news is that you are the same as you always were, you''ve just had a lot of bad things happen all at once -- like the victims of a natural disaster.\
\
This is a temporary situation, lousy though it is & intense though it seems. Lots of us are faced with the death of a parent, being dumped, a forced move, a hateful job -- most of us don''t have to handle all of that at the same time, but each individual blow can be dealt with. You''re overwhelmed right now & that''s why you''re reacting the way you are.\
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Things will improve -- go to a shrink if you have to, for help getting through these tough times. Don''t give up, there''s nothing wrong with you, it''s just a matter of bad circumstances right now.\
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Hang in there.

Are you on meds now? You might want to get on them, not for life, but enough to cope better with all the shit you''ve been dealt. R13 is half right - clinical depression is rooted in biochemistry - but a bad enough onslaught of "external stimuli" can indeed pull someone down into what then becomes biochemical depression. The question of internal/external causation is not always so clean-cut, not always either/or.\
\
So get on meds if you are really going under psychologically -- get on them to stabilize and cope better with the day to day, then you can wean off of them gradually once you''re able to start changing what you can, accepting what you can''t, and being peaceful and happy enough with it. In other words, using the Serenity prayer as a road map.

OP, you sound happier than me. I wake up every morning wishing I hadn''t.

There''s been numerous times in my life that everything has been really shitty (major loss, low paying job, stress from work & school, and breakups). Medication really helped me when I needed it. \
\
There''s something called situational depression and it sounds like you might be going through it. A brief stint with antidepressants might pull you through this until things get better.

OP,
As one who has been there, I can only tell you what helped me.
I lowered my expectations. Seriously. I simplified my life. It really worked. I don't me that I went to live in the woods a la Thoreau or anything such as that but I took a good look at my circumstances such as they were...me depressed to no end...my partner treated me like shit and left...not a whole lot a money but enough...some good friends...some toxic ones...
And I began to slowly change a little at a time.
I peeling back the layers a little bit one by one got rid of the toxic friends first and had no more contact with them including my ex.
I started to stick up for myself in a good way without being hostile or depressed about it. I simple did what made me comfortable and happy and satisfied that my life was complete and worth living.
I read more books, fiction and non fiction alike, (hell, I feel like some days I have gone back to college I have read so much lately, it's a good feeling to get your brain working again like that)
I took up a hobby, (yes I know that it is girly but I like it anyway...I knit.) ok you can all stop laughing now. It's great for Christmas gifts.
I painted the walls of my place a nice color that I like that I didn't have get my partner's constant approval on... (he would never let me make any decisions regarding the decorating)
Well you get my point op. Samll changes a little at a time will bring you out of your mood. That and maybe a few meds if you need them and a good therapist for maybe short term. You just lost a partner. That's hard.
(((hugs)))

I had a similar series of setbacks a few years ago. I moved to sunny Florida where an aunt lived--the idea was to visit for a month and sort my life out. I liked being there so much, I looked for and got a new job, eventually made friends and found some cool people to date and wound up becoming a better me. Good luck, OP.

We Have All Been Down

The BF and I are going through hell. He wants out. I don''t know what to do. I am so miserable I want to be dead. Not die, just not exist any longer. This sucks. OP...I wish we could talk.

See a doctor%E2%80%94that should be your first move when your feelings about life change so drastically, even when the causes seem obvious. Treat it as you would a physical problem. There might not be a complete cure, but it will get better and you''re better off having help on the way.

What r12, r13 and r14 said.
A string of stressful life situations -- divorce, loss of a partner and a move rank very high -- can trigger a protective depression. Close you off like a spore. It is very much like having PTSD -- for some, it is PTSD.
This happened to me in my early 20s.
Effexor then Cymbalta worked for me, plus counseling and simplifying my life as much as possible and getting on an easy schedule.
As far as the counseling goes, hypnotherapy proved to be exceptionally helpful, and I was skeptical about it at first.
I also dated someone who helped me learn how to have fun again -- that was amazingly important. I allowed myself to be more indulgent with things I'd always wanted to do and began to surprise myself a little.
You said you work out. Keep working out -- just for the health of your brain chemistry. You might also want to get on a good vitamin program if you arent already.
Love to you, OP. You've gone through a lot. But as r12 said, linear time moves you out of things, too. Hang in there.

Hugs OP, lots of hugs.\
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I think many of us have been where you are and understand how you are feeling. You''ve got some good advice about therapy, medicine and other things that hopefully you will follow.\
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Keep posting here because most of us will be supportive. I''m 42 and struggling with what to do with the rest of my life too.\
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I hope things get better for you.

I'm 30 and have been dythymic since my first depressive episode when I was about 16. I'm Asian-American and gay (nice combo, huh) so dating's no fun. I've had about 15 episodes of double depression (i.e., depressive episodes on top of dysthymia). I live on the 17th floor of a building and every once in a while look down from my balcony, thinking of climbing over the barrier and falling. I've been on about 8 different medications for depression, tranquilizers, and have been in therapy since freshman year.
OP, you're going through your first depressive episode, brought on by lots of traumatic occurrences. Do your absolute best to get out of it and avoid "falling under" against to the best of your ability -- because the more depressive episodes you suffer, the more likely it is to come back. Believe me, you don't want to get to the point where death and life are pretty much equal in your mind, but it's just fear that keeps you from trying death.
If you're in DC, I'd be up for talking face-to-face. You'll take one look and say, "Whoa, better get to curing this first episode so I don't end up like him." I'm a ghoul.

R

Wow. I can''t believe how great you all have been. I was expecting cuntiness for days. I do think I will go and get some meds, something, I have never done. I love the idea of simplifying my life. Not sure what that even means, maybe just accepting the fact that I''m not where I want to be right now? Hmmm. Easier said than done, but worth a try. I just feel so broken and beaten down. Irreparably so. But it must pass. Thanks guys. The DL has given me countless years of fun and bitchery, but this is the first time it''s ever given me hope.

OP

R, I live in LA, but I doubt you''re a ghoul. You seem like a pretty smart guy. Life and death do seem pretty much on par for me right now. That line has resonated with me in a scary way. Thank you for telling me your story. Damn. I''m so in love with the DL right now.\
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Obviously, insomnia has become a new part of my life.

OP, desperate to fall asleep

You workout six days a week OP? Do you have any tips? Sort of in a hurry to lose a few inches, here.

Chilean Miners

Hey best anonymous friends a guy ever had. I got really dumped bad last night. Two years on and he decided to move in with a guy he met online.\
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I am really miserable. Sickly miserable. Can''t take it. Suicidal? \
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Help me.

Do NOT kill yourself [R27]. Instead, when you see your ex and his new guy crossing the street, run them over with your car. You will go to jail where you''ll find another lover.

r27.\
Been there. This is fresh pain it will pass we''ve been through it keep posting here and talk to your best friends.\
\
OP I wish you well.

Pee Wee Pounsdstone

Another vote for short term meds

R here, OP. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is great. Please try it out: a bit pricey, and sometimes a long enterprise (for some it works quite quickly) with lots of "homework" but I feel like it''s changed my life for the better. I''m still a work in progress, but I''m moving in a good direction. Clearly, I''m having a "good day" today -- probably the generic Adderall. But seriously, check out CBT.

"Clinical depression is caused by body chemistry, not external stimuli."%0D\
%0D\
HORSE-SHIT! %0D\
%0D\
It is caused completely by "external stimuli", though billion-dollar drug indu$try would like you to believe otherwise.%0D\
%0D\
All these things will make you depressed:%0D\
%0D\
The lack of true friends,a lack of hope, poverty, being around abusive people, not having enough money to do things, being isolated etc%0D\
%0D

Updates?

You have been through a lot, OP. Give yourself a break. \
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I just lost my job. Every day I make one little rule for myself. It might be one of these:\
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I will go swimming today.\
I will not drink today.\
I will cook today.\
I will read something good today.\
I will walk instead of driving today.\
I will give some things I don''t need to Goodwill today.\
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One small rule each day. Start modestly, but you''ll build up a streak of things you have done to make your life better. \
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It helps. Hang in there.

How are you doing, hon?

One good thing about being on the bottom of the heap? You have no place to go but up. The no pets, didn''t you know that when you signed the lease?

No answer. Must have done himself in.

OP, I''ve posted on here, too, when I was very down and going through something difficult. I expected nasty comments, but 9 out of 10 posters were nice. \
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You can get through this. Seek out professional help if needed and take some of the great advice offered here. Keep us posted.

I am sorry OP.%0D\
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I think I can help with one part.%0D\
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go to your local SPCA. Play with the dogs. Act like you are looking and they will let you go into a room or a chain fenced area with one. %0D\
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Spend time with one for about 15 min. Then get another dog. Do this for about 4 hours. Great for the dogs, and great for you.%0D\
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Don''t make plans right after, you need to go home and bath. You will smell like a kennel.%0D\
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It''s not your own, but you are helping socialize these dogs so they aren''t as hyper or nervous when adopters come look.

I didn''t know madonna posted in here.

bump

[quote]I''m 41 and feel exactly the same only that I have no reason whatsoever to complain. I am in a long relationship, we have a child, no debts, parents still healthy, good job. I don''t know what it is, but I feel depressed and want to get more out of life but I don''t know what.%0D\
%0D\
People are never satisfied. If I got everything I wanted out of life, I guess I''d still be unhappy. What''s the point of it all?

I just saw this thread, and, frankly, had forgotten all about it. I am still not in a great head space, but MUCH better than I was four months ago. Never took meds. Didn''t go to therapy. Just sort of let myself be a disaster for a little while. Still hate my job, but am learning to accept it. The ex and I don''t talk, which has been hard, but really good at the same time. It''s been hard learning to adjust to life alone, but it''s bearable these days. \
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I miss my dad every day, every day. But I have been finding comfort in missing him, if that makes sense - some, strange intrinsic beauty in the act of missing. I don''t know. \
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Oh, my sister has a new rescue dog, and I go and take him to the beach and run with him a few times a week. \
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Life isn''t good. But it''s not that bad either. \
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Now, if I can just get in touch with those Darphur orphans, maybe we could talk and fix Egypt.

OP

I feel similarly OP... especially the whole just "waiting to die" thing. I turn 46 this week, and have lost all my friends, so my birthday will be just like every other Friday: come home from work, scrounge up some dinner, watch Fringe, and then veg by myself until I manage to fall asleep sometime after 2am.%0D
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It's a sad, pathetic, and lonely life I'm trapped in, and I'm not sure how to get out (or even if I want to... which is the worst part). I feel zero motivation, have zero energy, and find dealing with people even worse than the lonliness.%0D
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I probably won't ever have sex again unless I pay for it, and I just can't bring myself to pay for it at this point.%0D
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Not fond of my job, but at least it pays well and I'm out of debt. But it's an endless source of stress and drains my soul. Friends all moved away (I HAVE friends that I communicate with daily, and visit with once a year or so), leaving me no local resources or support system. Best I can manage is some acquaintences I might touch base with or see every month or two. Or three.%0D
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Won't off myself because I couldn't possibly do that to my parents (and lets face it, I'm a coward anyway and would be too afraid to do it, and too lazy to go through the effort of trying to set it up anyway). %0D
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Bleh. The worst part is how I feel I missed so many opportunities, never had the good fortune I see so many others have had, and never found the motivation to make my own good fortune (never mind having no real idea how to go about doing so). I just feel like I missed the boat.%0D
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And I know what you mean about feeling "toxic". I don't even bother putting myself out there to "find someone" because I honestly feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I've become boring. I've been single so long I don't think I could possibly live with anyone ever again. Every relationship I've ever had has been a disaster, and each one has been shorter than the last. At least there's an (exactly) equal number of "dumped" vs. "dumping", so I guess I have some balance there. And I have so many health issues... I'm totally out of shape now due to being thrown off of any sort of exercise routine by kidney stones, allergies, sinus infections, etc, etc. I just feel gross to be around. Flabby and snotty is no way to go through life, let alone get a date.%0D
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Whatever. I always get depressed around my birthday. This year is no different. But I think I'm more resigned to it. Ah, learned helplessness, my old friend. How pathetic.%0D
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As a lifetime sufferer of clinical depression and epilepsy (fortunately you can take the same meds for both), I would personally like to slap R33 around for a while. I bet that would make me feel a whole lot better.

OP, you sound like a doormat. No wonder he left. How do we make you love yourself? We can''t. You have to do it yourself.

me too

the fact that you hate the new fall tV shows shows you aren''t too far gone. Cheer up! op! there is hope!!!!

[quote]Now, if I can just get in touch with those Darphur orphans, maybe we could talk and fix Egypt.\
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OP / r44, I like you.

I feel so alone and unhappy.I have some friends
live with a nice guy that drinks beer every da y it gets annoying everything in his worlds great mine
seems to suck .He thinks money not important
I think other wise.I was alone 13 years after being married 18 of them.Now here I am here again not married kind of scared to get back out there
by myself again It was a hard 13 years it easier
now but I am not in love and will never be with him I live in a very small town with not a lot to do My job is seasonal right now not use to that
I worked a regular job.He does like doing anything that might take him away from the BAR.I may be 50 but I am not dead yet .But I think that would be easier then being miserable I know this will pass wish it would hurry up.Thanks for letting me vent

annoyomus

These things are but shadows of your past. If they're not to your liking don't blame me.

Ghost%20of%20Christmas%20Past

First, off, get on some meds.
I did and it is the best thing I did in conjunction with therapy.
Also, learn to lower your expectations and enjoy the little things in life.
It will get better.

R51, I can relate somewhat. Not in a relationship right now, but most of my family members drink. I HATE alcohol (my father was an alcoholic, in my "later" years, i.e., after my brother (2 years younger) and I got out of college. Brother not an alcoholic but his 3 daughters and wife are all heavy drinkers; I hate sometimes being around them. Have friends who drink too much, too.)
And after 35 years (yes, I'm old) of living in happily in NYC and SF, am back in aame damn small town (2,000 people, mainly Christian and Republican; hunt; say "nigger" unironically; dear God...) where I went to high school: no busses, no cabs, and I can't afford a car.
So I spend too much time feeling sorry for myself (DO keep in touch, by phone, with 3 or 4 longtime friends, THANK GOD), but then I try and realize how much worse it could be; I mean, there's always someone worse off.
(Besides the Daifur orphans!)
Is there by any chance an Al-Anon in the small town where you live? for someone in a relationship with a heavy drinker, it might be helpful...?
My best to you; I am glad someone bumped this thread.

Just listen to you young'ns talk about hating your lives---you're too young to feel hopeless!
In twenty or thirty years you will not remember what is bothering you so much right now.
Life is not about having constant good times, or excitement, or even being happy.
Life is about observing and picking out who and what to love. You may not get loved back--them's the breaks!
You can be dirt poor and choose who/what to love. You can be a total failure in life and choose who/what to love.
Guess what Babes--when you get old like me, that's all you think about--who and what you loved in your life!
Half of it won't be reciprocal but you can be PROUD OF YOURSELF that you had the ability to LOVE. Not everyone does.
Only the really cool ones have the ability to love.

be one of the cool ones

I have a feeling you aren't able to love R56

The%20Amazing%20Kreskin

The Less-Than-Astonishing Foreskin has once again failed at mesmering and predicting!

I love you

iam so unhappy with evry part of my life.i don't attend in my work.i do't work whole-heartedly.and i do't mend in my life any baddy think ke iam borring persion.whom can i trust?and don't let me lose my temper.i can't lode in my brein nathink,any book chapter any word nathink.what can i do plzplz help me any buby any 1 plz......