Annual April Fool's Story

April 01, 2004

MICROCHIP INJECTIONS: GAYLORD COULD BE FIRST IN NATION TO USE TINY CHIP: Microtechnology could ease traffic flow, save locals $$$$ - By Pitor Cummings, Nosey Editor

GAYLORD - A new microchip introduced this week by Chippend-Ale Electronics is being touted by Otsego County business owners and residents alike as a means to track and control consumer buying. As an added benefit the chip - which will be injected directly into the foreheads of residents and visitors - will be used as a traffic control device, permitting local drivers to access key intersection tunnels built as bypasses which are soon to be unveiled.

The chip, which is about the same size as a the tip of a needle, is powered by the body's own electrokinetic brain energy and is designed to last for a lifetime. Injection sites will be temporarily established at rest stops along I-75 until permanent facilities can be built. Among the suggested sites is the former Wal-Mart building on West Main Street. Dr. Frank N. Stine will coordinate the injection program.

Advertisement

"We're excited by this innovation," said Max Tout, director of Get Otsego Shopping Here (GOSH), an organization dedicated to lowering the cost of living. "This could open up a new frontier for area retail."

The chip, informally dubbed the "Alpine" chip, emits one of two different radio signals depending on whether or not an individual is from Otsego County. Local residents will be offered discounts on products ranging from gasoline to diapers, while out-of-town residents will be assessed an extra dollar per gallon on gasoline.

Stores will initially participate on a volunteer basis before mandatory compliance is ordered in 2005. Downstate residents who heard about the proposal already are planning a state appeal.

"I can't see how this is enforceable," said Ann Arbor resident Teigh Doff. Doff contacted attorney Acee Ellyew on Monday. Doff also questioned the medical safety of the chip (see sidebar), saying she had heard the chip caused and male-pattern baldness and an overwhelming urge to yodel.

Some local residents, however, are eager to sweep their bangs aside and have the chip inserted so as to avail themselves of the system of transportation tunnels local motorists may use as a bypass to the growing traffic congestion. Road crews have been secretly constructing the tunnels all winter long in the middle of the night, using the cover of raging snowstorms to complete their work.

"I can't wait to zip on through and leave those fudgies behind," commented Rode Rage, of Bagley Township. "It's about time officials start thinking about us local folks. Have you any idea how long it took me to get through the intersection at Dickerson and Main streets?" Rage whined.

The functionality of the new chip is being closely monitored by Doff's big brother, Tom Cliff, a manager within the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security.

"This opens an exciting new frontier in monitoring the movement of people," said Cliff, reviewing his notes from a departmental meeting. "We're already looking at this as a way to track the shopping habits of people coming into our country."

In Otsego County there will be no charge for residents who still need to have the chip implanted. A $10 fee is being proposed for everyone else, the proceeds from which will be used to balance the county budget.

Insertion of the chip will be available on April 1, April Fool's Day, with tunnel access following shortly thereafter.

'ALPINE' MICROCHIP Health Facts

Dr. Frank N. Stine, who will coordinate the injection program for the Alpine chip, talked bluntly about the health risks and potential for side effects inherent with the micro-chip:

€ possibility of temporary infection and inflammation around the injection site; in fewer than 1 percent of people, an unsightly boil may become pronounced and permanent