Best Tweets: May 2012

May brought us a high-water mark for low behaviour when a creepy carpet cleaner was seen tugging violently at the fabric of decency during Target. May also brought us the 2012 Budget, with all of its hope despair politics. Here are your Kiwi tweets of the month…

Grinding our gears
@beanbiz That feeling when you get home and remember you’ve stashed a trashy food treat! Then realise it’s gone. Then you eat a baby’s rusk biscuit.
@ryansallan For the first time in my life, I think I lost a dance off. Not even mad, that guy was awesome.@not_friends Today I was almost in a moderate traffic accident while belting out ‘Only The Good Die Young’ and I feel like that’s why I’m still here.@emsaddis Oven went on fire before. Was going to take a picture, but then decided I better put the flames out.@BigNateNZ GOT all sorted. Cheers regan. To the dick in the waiting room, music only heals when you don’t suck. Can’t sing or play guitar@BexieLady Just managed to hit myself with my car. Fucking ow.@guywilliamsguy “Can you die while boxing?” “Why are you asking?” “No reason.”@littlemisspie Where can one buy road spikes and a gun? Asking for a friend.@pinkdeedle I did ballet when i was 5 & I sat on the loo & pulled my leotard to the side to pee & then let go & peed up my back. Never did ballet again.@GrowFromHereNZ Are there hallucinagins in the new Friskies@hdpaONENEWS Searched the house top to bottom for my jeans. Then, found them in the freezer. Now too cold to wear.@lmfbs Just made a delicious salad for dinner. Went to the toilet, came back to a happy looking cat with lettuce sticking out of his mouth.@catspyjamasnz Woman on carriage been talking loudly to BF on phone for 15 mins, explaining how she prefers car travel. We wish she’d taken the car too…@CateOwen If I could choose a superpower, it’d be to know troll’s real names. So when they troll I can be “I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, CLEETUS JONES”.

Of life, love, and LOLs
@not_friends I pretty much only have a boyfriend so that somebody favourites my tweets.
@Kittengloves Looking forward to bed so I can surprise warm up my frozen nose on my husband’s back.
@MeghanMutrie My neighbors are either shooting an ad for Viagara, or a pride of lions are taking down a zebra that just won’t die. Come on lions.@manikpixi 16yo: Can we kidnap Gok Wan and keep him in our wardrobe? Me: But he came out if the closet years ago. 16yo: Ha! Good one mum!@irihapeta Ha – Mr 16 still gets his birthday email from Buzz and Poppy. Maybe it’s time to unsubscribe.
@HungryAndFrozen Stockings are so unfairly expensive. Manufacturers, you’re not making artisinal Spanish ham here, just socks and underwear joined together.@VickyRF Surrounded by people gracefully eating scrambled eggs with chopsticks and I drop my giant spoon on the floor.@snappy_nz Turns out I’ve had a fruit burst in my suit jacket pocket for six months. I think I’ve ruined my suit.@nicmclay Graveyard today: Me: this is where people r buried when they die, like the bird u found at kindy. Son: All these people flew into a window?@Maorigirl3 Today I bent down to pick up my laptop bag and lost my balance as the elevator came to a stop. Fell into a stranger’s crotch. ‪#NiceToMeetYou@RugbyIML Saw the main Maori guy from GC at St Lukes, he was with one of his Aunties. Actual Aunty.@TophHooperton You pop into a public toilet and a man is standing there stark bollock naked washing his balls in the sink. Is that ok?@Psygnal Great day today. Went to work. William Shatner was there. Had a great chat before he left with Daniel Craig. Might be hallucinating. #unwell

Class Acts@pkstowers On Sydney flight sat next to man who imports corrosive acids, industrial lubricants & oils. Made bad joke about greasing wheels of industry.@davidfarrier just wanted to thank all of you who’ve been sending me various great new human centipede images. i’d RT them but my mum reads this account@hamfritta I fully agree with the reddit proposal to follow Gerry Brownlee around with a tuba, ala Family Guy.@HungryAndFrozen Good thing Les Miserables is easily accepted in its shortened form as Les Mis, it’s like whoever coined it knew we’d tweet about it one day.@SpeelyFreaking There’s a special place in he’ll for people that don’t proof-read.@leslup awkward moment: realising yve said another guys name in yr sleep nd partner hears it, saving grace, character from star trek.@Sportzfreak Wonder how Shane Jones will pass the time when stood down@AliIkram just to clear up a bit of confusion that seems to have been created I can’t really cook food with laser beams from my eyes.@jonohutchison I’m off to Hong Kong tonight! Attention burglars: I’m not off to Hong Kong tonight@WendyWings Paper beats rock? Let’s test this theory. Have someone hold up a sheet of paper in front of their face, then throw a rock at it. Who wins?@AnnaGConnell Driving down Ponsonby Rd in my pjs blasting Sweet Child of Mine. Living my life like it’s golden@JeremyReesnz @nzherald farewells two great characters and stalwarts. Wonderful celebration of journalism in the newsroom for Jim Eagles and Wayne Harman.@patrickgowernz Wayne Harman has retired from Herald after 50 years in journalism. A legend. Wayne gave me my first job. And even a couple of pay rises!@guywilliamsguy I won the Billy TK award! Thanks to everyone who helped. Finally, I’m still getting the recognition that I’ve always gotten!

Entertainment on a Budget@kaupapa Spammers in bikinis standing out like dog’s bollocks #nzbudget@williamleith Fran O’Sullivan’s top strobing on TV3.@googleismygf Oh dear… I was about to write “Trevor Mallard” under “Lecturer Name” on my assignment. Too much politics today@stevendpaul Result is neutral, forecasting surplus results in the near to medium future. Which rings true? #AllWhites or #nzbudget2012@Shellface When Bill English says “our policy is…” he sounds exactly like the Pak’n’Save ad stick man.

Clean and Jerk@allstarangel Clean the carpets? His pants are gonna need waterblasting@VinLew Clean a stain, make a stain, clean a stain, make a stain@_victoriajayne_ Is he watching videos of girls staining carpets?@yvettevy When are we going to find out what score this guy gets out of 10??@AaronM_NZ They didn’t even rate his carpet cleaning ability! Target blows loads.@jzindel#target can I get #fapfapfap dudes number? Three times AND he cleaned the carpet? More stamina than most guys I know!@hello_im_megan After all is said and done, I was impressed by a man multi-tasking

Choosing a winner is always a difficult exercise, so this month’s winner has been been determined by an advanced selection process which began and ended with me shutting my eyes and poking at all the names with my index finger. When my eyes opened, the digit was settled on @shellface! Be sure to follow @OldMoutCider so they can sort you out with your liquid reward.