Spoof news stories from Friday 3 January 2014

HOUSTON - The Little Old Band from Texas, ZZ Top has just announced that they will be appearing in an upcoming episode of the hit A&E show Duck Dynasty.
Billy Gibbons, lead singer and guitar player for the power trio from the Lone Star State,...

I sat down with James Clapper, former head of U.S. National Security, to get his views on the current state of America as it relates to domestic spying and intelligence gathering activity. He has recently made headlines by demanding that Edward Snow...

Y Borth, West Wales, has a sandy beach and is a holiday seaside resort. Our week there in a youth hostel in the village next to the caravan and camping site was utterly abysmal.
An unexciting ancient submerged forest is an invisible attraction along the beach, where stumps of trees (preserved by the acid anaerobic conditions in the peat) cannot be seen. Said to be the legend of Cantre'r Gwaelod...

The bearded and possibly inbred Robertson clan from "Duck Dynasty" signed up for Obamacare this morning with little to no trouble, says a family spokesperson.
"It took like twenty minutes tops for the whole family!" said distant second cousin Red...

WASILLA, Alaska --- With the start of 2014 bringing below zero temperatures, Sarah Palin announced this morning that she will protest against America's War on Christmas by hibernating for the winter with a pack of wild grizzly bears.
Shortly af...

MOSCOW - Russian President Vladimir Putin told Russia's national news agency Vodkavich that 2013 was one of the happiest years of his entire life.
He stated that the Russian economy is doing very good, world-wide sales of vodka have gone up 90 per...

PYONGYANG, North Korea - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un rang in the new year with a bang (no pun intended) as he spoke to the people of North Korea via an Anderson Cooper-Kathy Griffin New Year's Eve type television show.
Kim Jong Un first thanke...

Police are planning a zero tolerance campaign to catch people out who have had a turkey dinner after the official deadline of midnight on January 6th.
Highly accurate Turkelyzer kits have been ordered by police forces throughout the U.K. The kits...

"Good evening everyone. Glad to see most of my kinfolks here like you should be. I'm the Elder of the fambly and I need to pass on some basic Learn How before I pass on.
That was a joke. (laughter) "Pass On! Get it?" (More laughter).
Now I believe that a woman, or I should say wife I guess, need to stay at home, cooking, cleaning and raising her children.
It's up to us men to go out and f...

Secret Royal palaces all over Scotland are already being evacuated due to fears of a revival of the William Wallace syndrome coinciding with the release of "Braveheart 2." in September. The film will star Melanie Gibson as Braveheart's red haired dau...

The "Mother of all hen parties" has been booked in Ibiza for the Queen's wedding vow renewal booked on 18th September to take attention away from Scotland's Independence referendum.
Containers of sexy balloons, Queen outfits, plastic tickler orbs...

Saying he should have gone along with the state legislature last year and signed the bill decriminalizing personal possession of marijuana, West Dakota Governor Cody Stevens pardoned himself after he was arrested last night for possession of the ille...

Think it's fun to glow green in the dark? (If you're so inclined, you can read about the green pigs here on the website of The Los Angeles Times).
Many of the green pigs are not happy campers. One pig complained, "What do they think we are?...

With the threat of "suspension" behind them and more free publicity than they know what to with following Phil Robertson's controversial interview with GQ magazine, the Duck Dynasty family is cashing in by launching a brand new line of firearms.
C...

TUCSON, Arizona - Local authorities are baffled as to how in the world a sinkhole could have totally swallowed up an entire trailer park.
Officer Concord Bookberry with the Tucson Police Department stated that luckily a local fortune teller Madam...

HOLLYWOOD - Beyonce is livid with Miley Cyrus and she has said that the little spoiled brat needs to behave herself and stop acting like the female version of Justin Bieber.
Beyonce talked with Voodoo Dupree of Glamboyant Magazine and said that sh...

HOLLYWOOD - Kirstie Alley has commented that she honestly cannot remember ever being as happy as she is now.
The overweight star of Cheers has just announced that she is now the proud owner of 10,000 shares of McDonald's stock.
Kirstie purchase...

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota - Vikings special teams coordinator Mike Priefer says that he does not like to see guys skipping or prancing around but he wants it known that he is not homophobic.
Priefer was accused by ex-Vikings punter Chris Kluwe of cal...

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Speaker of The House Newt Gingrich is furious with his fellow Republican Rush Limbaugh and has called him crazy for his recent anti-NASA comments.
In mid December Limbaugh was quoted as saying that the United States needs...

NEW YORK CITY - Phil Robertson and some of his Duck Dynasty family members flew up to New York City to appear as guests on Rush Limbaugh's radio talk show.
Rush told Phil that he was proud to make his acquaintance. Phil responded by saying that he...

AUSTIN - The Schlotzsky's sandwich franchise chain has just announced that it plans to change the corporate name in 2014.
Schlotzsky's Spokesperson Ashley Gail Tiarafelli stated that after hiring an independent research agency, it was determined t...

Pyongyang, North Korea North Korean husky-boy sized dictator Kim Jong Un released his New Year's Resolutions today.
The resolutions are:
1. Not to execute any relatives closer to him than second cousin for the next few months.
2. To have the labor camps be at least a third of the way through with his pyramid by the end of the year.
3. To get to at least Level 20 on Grand Theft Auto 4...