What is trust? Longtime relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman believes trust in a relationship requires two things: 1) Transparency, or a belief that one sees the true reality of their partner, and 2) The feeling that one’s partner is there for them in time of need.* In other words, partners must be able to answer yes when asked “Are you truthful?” and “Are you there for me?”

How we experience our relationships emotionally is key to trust, and Dr. Gottman provides a road map for building emotional trust with the acronym ATTUNE.

Awareness of the emotion

Turning toward the emotion

Tolerance of the emotion

Understanding the emotion

Nondefensive Listening to the emotion

Empathy toward the emotion

The ATTUNE conversation allows partners to begin to trust each other with their emotions.

AWARENESS of the Emotion

Partners must acknowledge each other’s emotions. They must consciously look for them. To do so, one can take an “emotional temperature” by asking, “How are you doing, honey?” or even a simple, “What’s up?” Such questions allow a person to “see” their partner’s emotional state. This seeking to “see” is imperative, for without recognizing the emotion, partners won’t be able to turn toward it, which is the next step.

TURNING toward the emotion

One must decide to address their partner and their emotion. In other words, “talk about it”! This shows not only that one recognizes the emotion, but that he/she cares about it.

TOLERANCE of emotion

Tolerance of emotion means accepting the reality of a partner’s emotions. While it may be tempting to say, “just look at the bright side,” or “just let it go- it’s no big deal,” doing so dismisses their very real disappointments or concerns. This does not mean that one must necessarily adopt the partner’s perspective, only that he/she recognizes and respects it.

UNDERSTANDING the emotion

In order to understand a partner’s perspective, one must momentarily put aside one’s own opinions, thoughts and conclusions to walk in their shoes. In essence, this means saying, “Talk to me, baby. Help me understand.” It is not a time to correct, give advice, or interject one’s own perceptions. But don’t worry- if an “attuned” conversation is happening, each partner will get the chance to describe their own thoughts and feelings.

NONDEFENSIVE listening to the emotion

In simple terms, this means biting one’s tongue instead of lashing out, correcting, or defending a position. It requires pausing a moment and asking, “Is what I want to say right now going to clarify my position or my partner’s?” As the listener, only responses that help the partner clarify their perceptions will lead to an “attuned” conversation. Remember, each side will have a chance to describe their own perceptions and ideas. So make sure to listen to them, also.

EMPATHY

Empathy involves understanding what another’s experience is like, a true seeking to understand what it’s like to be that person. Empathy means tenderness and kindness for a partner’s emotions, just as one would want them to treat their own emotions . If knowledge is “mental understanding,” then empathy is “heart understanding.” Empathy allows a partner to begin to know what it feels like to be that person.

Couples who have lost trust in each other can use Dr. Gottman’s ATTUNE model to begin to rebuild the emotional intimacy they lack. As emotional intimacy increases, so does trust. Approaching a conversation with a loved one in an ATTUNE’d way will allow both to grow closer, trust each other more, and know that they are there for each other.

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/staying-attuned-creating-emotional-trust-in-marriage/Thawing a Frozen Hearthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/aHGzRYQJx6o/ Wed, 26 Mar 2014 04:41:49 +0000http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/?p=1366Continue Reading]]>I just saw the new Disney movie, Frozen. Have you seen it? It has received high praise this year, and rightly so. It’s a beautiful story and very well-done. There were a number of elements in the story that I found very meaningful, though much of that is probably because I am a therapist and hopelessly trapped in that mindset when I watch movies. I know the internet has been buzzing with lots of opinions about the movie, supposed hidden agendas, and endless comment streams about its value. Let me say right away that I loved the movie. This is not a case of Kirk Voss vs. Frozen or Disney. Rather, as a therapist, I am constantly creating and hunting for metaphors to help people understand themselves. It is in that light that I put these thoughts together. Frozen serves as an excellent vehicle to describe human nature.

Before I start in about the movie, let me explain something about how we heal emotionally. When I work with people who have endured intense grief and loss, such as the death of a loved one or a divorce, I often discuss my belief that they need to heal BY grieving, not by avoiding pain and grief. And yet, so many feel that in order to function or survive, they simply cannot face the pain welling up inside. So they “put their heart in the freezer.” By so doing, they stop feeling the hurt, focusing instead on functionality and daily tasks or immersing themselves in temporary distractions like work, sleep, sarcasm, anger, embitterment, new relationships, media, or addictions. Is it healthy? No. Does it help them survive for now? Yes.

For some people, this existence is all they feel they can hope for. But the underlying grief and pain must be processed sooner or later. What often happens is that people with hearts “in the freezer” continue “getting by” and functioning (sometimes seemingly very well) until the day comes when they want to “use their heart” again. Perhaps a new companion starts getting closer, a child wants a stronger connection, or they want to feel more creative passion than mere survival allows. So they try to access their “heart,” only to find that it must be thawed-out before it is available.

This “thawing” process takes days for some, months for others, but almost always brings with it the pain they had tucked away and chosen not to face. And then, like a bad cavity that has finally come near the root of a tooth, warmth and active use bring stinging sensitivity.

Faced with that returning pain, some STILL won’t face it, determining to simply continue on with minimal feeling and protective walls, much like a freezer. I’ve met these people –many of them forget how much feeling they once had, and if ever reminded, quickly build another wall or push people away to avoid it.

Others face the hurt by processing and healing. And when they have finally “grieved” by facing their feelings, their pain fades to acceptance, giving them, once more, full access to their hearts.

With that foundation, let’s get into Frozen.

Queen Elsa repressed a part of herself for much of her life. With good intent, her parents guided her to repress her abilities so she wouldn’t be dangerous or uncontrolled. For years, she held it in, all the while hearing her parents say, and telling herself, the message: “Conceal it, don’t feel it, don’t let it show.”

For Elsa, it was the power of ice, but for many people, it’s the power of emotion.

How often do we hear parents flippantly say to a child who has fallen on a soccer field or stumbled on a stage, “Get up, shake it off, stop crying, be strong”? Is that any different than what Elsa was told? Culturally, I feel boys especially are told this message, and are then given positive reinforcement when they “toughen up” and feel less. The same message may come later, to boys and girls, if parents or peers fear the emotion they exhibit, and in an effort to make it easier, tell the kid to “Stop being so dramatic, stop feeling depressed, just stop worrying, don’t be so vulnerable.” In other words, “just get over it.” So boys and girls alike will often repress hurt, anxiety, depression, or loneliness—because they don’t want to disappoint or distance others from their lives—all the while thinking that those feelings will eventually fade away. Sound familiar? Kids carry that pattern into adulthood, assume it’s normal, and later repeat the same advice to their own children.

For years, Elsa repressed her ability by repressing her feelings, until coronation day, when she reached her breaking point, shattering her protective dam. Though this shift away from repression needed to happen, Elsa had been counseled for so long to AVOID her emotion and ability that she was never given the chance to prepare to live WITH it.

The pendulum had broken free from its polarized perch and quickly swung high in the other direction. Elsa ran away from the arms of people who loved her, because, among other things, they reminded her of past feelings. She began to understand the freedom she was finally tasting as she ran into the mountains, singing the famous song, “Let it Go.”

Who can blame Elsa for feeling excited? She had a right to remove the unhealthy bonds that had held her down, reinforced by her parents and herself. I love the song as it speaks of letting go of things that unfairly hold us back.

But I can’t help but feel that, as beautiful as the song is, its message is really a stepping-stone toward health, and can actually be a “fool’s errand” if people stop there in their quest for growth. The lyrics read, “let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back anymore…. I don’t care what they’re going to say, let the storm rage on…. It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small, and the fears that once controlled me can’t get to me at all…. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through; no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free! Let it go, let it go.” At this point in the movie, many rebellious teens and imbalanced/embittered adults begin to feel empowered and justified by the beautiful music.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s a beautiful song, and when I put my therapy eyes away, I really do love the music. But when we take Elsa’s song and apply it to ourselves, or our partners, or our children, it starts to sound familiar in other ways:

When a teenager rebels, for example, parents usually see it as selfish, disrespectful, naive, or defiant. Yet the rebelling teen almost always has an unspoken or unheard emotion that is genuinely driving them (depression, craving acceptance, anxiety, loneliness, hurt), and sees their rebellion as “breaking free” from rules and fears that once held them bound. They choose to “test the limits and break through [because there’s] no right, no wrong, no rules for me, I’m free!” This swings their pendulum high in the opposite direction, and with a fervor equal to or greater than their initial core hurt, they break rules and act recklessly.

When a partner bottles-up, represses, or is never given the chance to fully heal from abuse, anger, anxiety, or hurt, they may begin to feel incomplete, unhappy, misunderstood, or detached. They may become depressed, irritable, or increasingly distant. Then, in a moment of despair or weakness, they may cling to the idea of finding relief from their feelings by “letting go” of moral restriction, social norms, or personal expectation. And it IS exciting and different to step away from those restrictions, but is it a permanent solution? So swings the pendulum, and marriages are abandoned, faith is discarded, and adults do things they never would have done previously (affairs, addictions, selfishness), all in the name of escape from unhealed core feelings.

Running away isn’t healing.

Elsa learned that, too.

What we need is to heal our core feelings, and no amount of running away, breaking rules, or dropping morals will bring that to pass. We NEED to feel, to be validated, to have connection, to find relief from our pain and anxiety—but we need to learn ways to heal WITH our emotions.

Elsa believed her separation from others would not only satisfy her needs, but harm no one. That was far from true. Her distance, like our own, can have significant impact on those we love.

Even when Elsa is in her “liberated state” in her ice castle, she STILL tells herself not to feel emotion, and when her sister, Anna, arrives, all of the emotions that she assumed were “long since behind her” were stirred back up—and she felt just as uncomfortable and imprisoned as before. Because she had still not learned to heal and cope WITH them, those feelings surged out of control once again. The wise trolls had prophesied that her powers(and in our case, our emotions) would grow, that there would be beauty in them so long as she learned to control them, but that fear would be her enemy. The most obvious implication is that others’ fear would be her enemy—that she would one day be threatened by them. But in reality, her enemies included her OWN fear of her powers (and in our case, our emotions).

We shouldn’t fear, run from, or repress our emotions.

Like Elsa, when we fear and avoid our own selves, we stop growing and healing.

As the movie nears its climax, we learn that “an act of true love is what will heal a frozen heart.” While essentially synonymous, I think of that concept of “true love” as being our “genuine, core emotional selves.” Like the “heart in a freezer” metaphor I mentioned before, our “thawing out” and subsequent healing process can only take place once we turn to face our core emotions.

Elsa finally stopped running away, embraced her powers and feelings, and returned to the people who loved her. To me, THAT is the meaning of truly “letting it go.” In the true sense of healing, we must let go of our own walls, resistance to vulnerability, and unhealthy emotional repression. Then we can experience emotion, heal, and learn from our feelings. Our pendulum finds its balanced place in the middle.

Recently there has been increased media attention and awareness given to the topic of suicide. Too often the subject of suicide causes people to feel uncomfortable and not want to discuss it. Yet when someone is suffering and considering suicide, talking about it is exactly what is needed.

Suicide occurs in every section of society; from children, to teenagers, to young adults, the middle-aged and the elderly. It occurs with adults that are married, single or divorced. It occurs with those with strong religious beliefs and those with no religious beliefs. It occurs with those that are rich and those that are poor. In short, suicide occurs in every section of society and likely has already impacted your life in some way. From a loved one, to a neighbor, to a friend of a friend, you’ve likely already been impacted by suicide. But when it’s a child, or a spouse, or a friend who is currently having a suicide crisis, the question of how to respond can be overwhelming.

But there is good news. There is hope.

Part of the good news is that suicidal thoughts are often a function of the very treatable mental health condition of depression. When the depression is properly treated, typically the suicide risk is alleviated. The important part is recognizing the suicide crisis, talking with them about the concern, persuading them to seek help and following through to ensure treatment is obtained.

Another part of the good news is that those contemplating suicide often give warning signs prior to any suicide attempt. When someone close to them is able to recognize these warning signs, intervention can occur that can literally be life-saving.

So what are the signs that someone may be contemplating suicide? While specific signs are different for each person, generally signs occur in four main areas:

1. Direct verbal clues: statements such as “I wish I were dead.” or “I’m so miserable I’m going to kill myself.”

2. Indirect verbal clues: statements such as “Everyone would be better off without me.” or “You won’t have to worry about me any longer.”

3. Behavioral clues: actions such as putting personal life matters in order, giving away prized possessions, a significant change in behavior that indicates hopelessness (or even a change from previous hopelessness to sudden relief).

4. Situational clues: events that create a sudden loss, such as breaking up with boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse, loss of a job, loss of freedom (arrest, terminal illness, bankruptcy).

Still many ask, “If I see the warning signs, then what? How do I respond?”

Often the fear of not knowing how to respond causes many not to intervene. There is also a fear of that discussing the issue will “cause” the person suffering to think about suicide. The reality is, if you are thinking they appear so miserable that suicide may be something they’d consider, you can bet they’ve already thought about it. Talking to them about this concern will not cause them to suddenly contemplate commiting suicide, but rather can bring relief that someone cares and wants to help.

1. First, ask the QUESTION “Are you thinking about committing suicide?” Be direct, yet supportive in how you ask them. Don’t ask the question in ways that are judgemental, such as “You wouldn’t do anything stupid, would you?” Those questions don’t lead to open discussion but further the secrecy that increases suicide risk.

2. Second, if they respond that they are considering suicide, follow up and PERSUADE them to get help. The key to persuading someone to get help is to LISTEN. Allow them to talk about what is happening and listen for clues as to what they are considering. The goal is to persuade them to get further help and support.

3. Third, REFER them to get help. One great resource are the many crisis lines available to call and obtain help (see end of blog post for numbers). If they are actively suicidal and you fear they cannot be left alone, they may need emergency assistance at a hospital. Whatever route seems best, it’s important to make sure they follow through with obtaining help. Don’t let them say “Sure, I’ll get help” and hope they follow through. Instead, you make the call or stay with them until help is obtained.

Rememberthatsuicideisapermanent solution toa temporaryproblem.The key to preventing a suicide is to question, persuade to seek help, refer to a place that can help and then follow through with getting help.

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/suicide-there-is-hope-simple-steps-to-recognize-and-respond/Don’t Show Your Teens the 3 Bad Reactions: Hurt, Anger, & Fearhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/eNIyUUTuNQU/ Mon, 18 Mar 2013 07:08:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/dont-show-your-teens-the-3-bad-reactions-hurt-anger-fear/Continue Reading]]>If you’re just joining this series now, be sure to check out the last 4 posts in the parenting series.

Hurt, Anger, and Fear. Feeling these emotions isn’t the problem. And if they hit you because of life stressors or pressure, then by all means, let your kids see you show them– within careful limits and in healthy ways. The problems come when we show hurt, anger, or fear in reaction to our teens’ behaviors. That will do more damage than you realize.

Kids are constantly watching for your responses.

Many defiant kids are already convinced that they are the “black sheep,” the “evil kid,” the “screw-up,” etc., especially if they have been frequently & recently called out for their behaviors. So when we show them hurt, anger, & fear in reaction to what they say or do, it’s like we reinforce these bad behaviors and convince them that they truly are “the bad kid.”But we don’t really MEAN to send that message–what we want them to know is that the BEHAVIOR is the problem.

In addition, when we show kids anger or fear, we are essentially giving them the remote control in the situation because now they know they can push our buttons. Remember–whoever is least emotionally fired-up in an agreement always holds the most power.

What all this means is…

Teens already feel somewhat anxious and insecure because they are trying to figure themselves out and find their identity. They don’t know that and they rarely express that, but it’s true. So gaining control over you, even if it means getting you ANGRY and then getting themselves in trouble, will (ironically) be somewhat comforting to them. Why? Because then they know what to expect and how to predict what will happen next. This gives them a sense of life being “under control.” For a lot of teens, even punishment is better than having to wonder anxiously about things.

If you show your teens that what they said or did has HURT you, you may be sending them the message that they ARE the “screw up,” “the jerk,” or “evil” in your eyes.Once a teen believes that, they may actually push your buttons or do something drastic just to bring on your hurt feelings so that you will say it to them out loud. Remember, they don’t actually want to hear that they are a screw up or that they hurt you, but if they fear it is inevitable, sometimes, subconsciously, they will push for you to feel the reaction so that they don’t have to wait on pins and needles until you say it tonight or tomorrow or on the weekend.Their anxiety may be high enough that they just want to get it over with.It sounds crazy, right? I have seen it so many times that I can’t ignore this process.

Long story short? DON’T show your teen these reactions!

So HOW do you express hurt, anger, and fear in a HEALTHY way?

1. If you feel angry at your teen, show it in WORDS, not in tone or volume.Instead of yelling in anger, you could calmly say something like, “I’m very disappointed in what you did today. Your behavior was dangerous, and I get worried for your safety. That’s not okay.”

2. If you feel hurt, say it CALMLY, like a message that Danny Tanner would say at the end of a Full House episode. Let the basic words of your disappointment do the impact, not your yelling, sobbing, or descriptions of being “shattered with grief” or shock or “utter disgust.”

3.Don’t let your teen see that they have rocked your boat!

4.Hold your ground, keep your limits, express your frustrations and disappointments, but do it calmly and matter-of-factly. Say something calmly like, “You behaved poorly today, and you knew better. I’m disappointed that you chose to do things this way. Unfortunately, A+B=C, and consequences always come after we choose things. I feel bad for you that you will have to deal with this consequence, but you knew what would happen.”

If we do this consistently, our kids actually will see us as allies and reliable “safe harbors” for whatever they need to tell us in the future, even when they know we may disagree with their behaviors in the future.

Are you ready to not be seen as the enemy? If we follow this plan calmly and consistently, we can become the messengers of the consequence, not personally the reason for the consequence happening.

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/dont-show-your-teens-the-3-bad-reactions-hurt-anger-fear/Don’t Be Afraid to Show Emotion to Your Kidshttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/h63-NcNA1PM/ Fri, 15 Mar 2013 06:48:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/dont-be-afraid-to-show-emotion-to-your-kids/Continue Reading]]>If you missed the first 3 parts of this parenting series, make sure to click HERE, HERE, and HERE.

A lot of parents get so tired from their busy lives that they unintenionally operate in either a “superficial happy” state, or in anger (which is often just a way of hiding their underlying sense of feeling overwhelmed). We don’t do it on purpose, but it’s really common. We need to PURPOSEFULLY SHOW our kids a healthy spectrum of feelings, and the healthy coping skills for those feelings. If we don’t, our kids might do whatever we do: bottle up anxiety, “fake a smile” whevever people are watching, or lash out in exhaustion and frustration.

If we don’t model healthy emotions in front of our kids, where will they learn it? Kids watch us more than we realize. Eating diorders, for example, aren’t genetic; they often show up in teens as a result of learned anxiety, unhealthy coping skills, unaddressed depression, a frantic need for control, or impossible expectations. Of course, that’s not true of every case of eating disorders, but it is true often enough that it should at least give us pause and encourage us to help our kids recognize, healthfully manage, and express their emotions.

What messages are we sending? When we hide our tears, never address our fears, put on a perpetually (fake) happy smile, or chastise our kids for crying, then they will think that being sad or scared is “weakness” and they will swallow their feelings or ignore them. If our kids do that for a few years, they may find themselves craving an outlet, an escape or a numbing distraction to deal with their emotions–like rebellious relationships, heightened anger, sexualized behaviors, drugs, or drinking. That’s not a stretch–it’s actually really common.

We call that kind of behavior “teen experimentation” or “rebellion,” but it may simply be “I never learned what to do with my feelings that get bottled up and so my friends suggested I try this thing out and I liked it.”

How can we teach HEALTHY coping strategies?1. We can show our kids how we feel frustration and anger within healthy limits.

2.We can model sadness, from a hard day at work, a funeral or a loss, with a healthy sense of hope and a willingness to call it what it is.

3. We can come home and say we were frustrated at work, but ALSO include the core reason why we got frustrated (ie. disappointment, feeling disrespected, feeling hurt, loneliness, feeling inadequate, etc.). We can then model a healthy way of dealing with it (ie. talking it out, exercising, listening to music, and NOT isolating or lashing out in anger).

4.We can validate our kids’ feelings, rather than downplaying them. Even if the feelings seem childish, silly, ridiculous, selfish, or out of place,

let your kids’ feelings matter enough to acknowledge them.

You don’t give in any ground by simply accepting that your kid feels the way he does, but it sends a clear message to your kid: you are an ally he can tell his feelings to, even when you disagree with his feelings.

Remember, emotion isn’t weakness, and bottling it up and pretending it’s gone isn’t “taking control.” Strength builds when we channel our emotions, not when we cut them off and pretend they have stopped. So many people simply say, “I’m not an emotional person.” It’s just not true. Humans are emotional creatures by nature;the question is whether we will learn to feel, express, and manage our emotions. THAT is strength.

Believe it or not, kids thrive on consistency. Really! They may rant and rave about how they hate your stupid rules and how you have no idea what the world is like today, but they still thrive when they have structure and consistency. Research proves it!

So, one of the worst things a parent can do is skip the follow-through when they proclaim a consequence, or skip a consequence from a rule their kids didn’t follow.

Why is this the case? Teens operate with a constant underlying insecurity, which comes with the developmental process of identity formation. In this process, teens constantly seek for approval, acceptance, acknowledgement, self-confidence, and to define themselves. Eventually, teens manage to define themselves through a messy and rocky process of trial and error, “practice relationships,” and through testing their limits and boundaries.

That means your teens are CONSTANTLY collecting data and feedback from the responses and behaviors of the people around them, including YOU.

How does this play out in the family? Let’s look at some examples:

Your teen begs you for permission to go on a trip that you know may be dangerous. You say no. Your teen may hate your answer and even say they hate you, but somewhere within themselves, they will also know that your love for them is so strong that you won’t let them get harmed. Your answer (and maybe you) will be annoying to your teen, but also subtly comforting. They may even tell their friends that you are stupid, old-fashioned, out-of-touch, etc., but part of them is remembering that you cared.

Your 13-year-old boy hits his 10-year-old brother, fails his pre-algebra test, and slams doors at home. Is it worth a response from you? YES! A lack of parental follow-through in consequence may, ironically, encourage your son to act poorly. Why?

Because in your son’s subconscious quest for success and acceptance, he can’t know how to succeed unless he knows exactly where your parameters of failure and success really are. If he can’t get consistent “push-back” from his parents when he behaves badly, then he doesn’t know if he is noticed, he doesn’t know what is disappointing to you, and he will then feel more insecure about whether or not his behavior even matters. As a result, he may continue to act poorly to get the attention he expected in the first place.

Once this happens (and especially once his parents finally explode in pent-up frustration), he may subconsciously remember that the only way to get your attention was to act out in bigger ways (failing a test and slamming doors wasn’t enough because they were ignored). Remember the old saying “Negative attention is better than no attention”? It’s true, and kids know it.

To add insult to injury, in your son’s mind, any goals he has of being praised for his successes may seem impossible to reach because he has now been repeatedly overlooked until his parents finally lash out at him.

So, what if we make mistakes as parents?

It’s important to remember that we aren’t going to be perfect 100% of the time with our follow-through, and our kids aren’t going to end up in the legal system because of that.We just need to be as consistent as possible. If we do decide to change a consequence that our child was expecting would happen, we need to formally address it by explaining that the circumstance changed, or because of _______________(insert specific reason), we have decided “in this particular instance” to change the consequence.

The bottom line? We will have happier, more self-confident kids if we will simply be more consistent in our follow-through. Want to show love to your teens? Follow-through!

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/dont-forget-to-follow-through/Don’t be Afraid to Be a Parenthttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/RjPqFtH2SyY/ Mon, 11 Mar 2013 06:27:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/dont-be-afraid-to-be-a-parent/Continue Reading]]>If you missed the first post in this parenting series, be sure to head over & read it HERE.

Kids need friends, and they crave acceptance. Growing up is hard, and the social world that our teens face today is, in many ways, more ruthless than ever. Finding a safe, reliable friend who will stick with them through thick and thin is a challenge. As a result, many parents figure that being their child’s friend is the most important part of their relationship. But kids need PARENTS even more than they need friends. Although most kids would never say this out loud, they actually WANT parents more than they want friends. A solid, consistent, loving, compassionate, and firm parent can bring more self-confidence and security to a teen than any peer friendship ever could. And research backs that up.

Often parents go through the turmoil of wondering if their kids will forgive them if they are firm or unpopular in their consequences! Parents may change their approach, parenting style, and discipline methods, all because they want their kid’s approval and high regard. We must not make the mistake of making our parenting be about our own need for acceptance!

What kids really want is our empathy,

and empathy doesn’t require agreement.

We may COMPLETELY disagree with our kid’s perspective, and they may want something that we would never and will never be okay with, but we can still hold our ground while showing them a flood of empathy.

What is empathy? It’s not the same as sympathy.Sympathy is a card– a simple notion of feeling bad for someone, often accompanied by something from Hallmark. Empathy, however, takes it a step further and involves us actually trying to see the world from the other person’s shoes. Do you remember the last time you saw a movie with a jerky main character that you actually cried for at some point? (My wife feels that way about Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter— she can’t stand him, but at the same time, she can’t help feeling bad for him in the final movies.) That involves seeing the world through that character’s shoes, even when everything about them and their behavior may drive you nuts.

Having empathy for our kids is very much the same; we may feel very differently from our kids, but we care enough about our child to accept that how they feel about something really matters to them–really matters. We then voice that sense of sincere empathy to our kid, and our kid (even when they don’t get their way) realizes that we took the time to understand them. That’s a beautiful thing, and it leaves us in the role of being their ally instead of their enemy.

Sincere, vocalized empathy allows us to really “be there” for our kids, without compromising on those limits that we really hold as valuable.

Be firm, while gushing empathy like it’s going out of style!Stay Tuned for the Next Post in this Parenting Teens Series:“Don’t Forget to Follow-Through”

Raising teenagers is never as easy as the 80’s sitcom Full House made it seem. I used to watch that show, and Danny Tanner, the father of three girls, could literally resolve any concern that his teen daughter was going through by the end of a 30 minute episode. Each time the TV family ran into trouble, things would almost always follow the same pattern: the girls would do something predictably unwise, Danny would not find out about it until 24 minutes into the half-hour episode, and the girls would finally be discovered or come clean with the “devious” or problematic situation just in time for Danny or Uncle Joey or Uncle Jesse to swoop in and save the day. Cue the confession, the moral of the story, the inevitable “let’s go fix it with some ice cream” maneuver, and the sappy reconciliation music. They must have been parenting geniuses!

The truth is that the pathway out of the drama of raising kids is almost always a process of persistence. But besides the persistence required, there are actual tools that make the process work more smoothly. By the time most parents have earned their stripes and raised their teens into adulthood, they often don’t remember what actually worked–instead, they usually just remember some good times and the hard times. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a roadmap during (or even before) the “Terrible Teen” years? Today I will offer 4 golden suggestions that could just get you one step closer to your own Full House family.

1) Don’t Be Afraid to Be the Parent

Kids need parents even more than they need friends, and although most kids would never say this out loud, they actually WANT parents more than they want friends. A solid, consistent, loving, compassionate, and firm parent can bring more self-confidence and security to a teen than any peer friendship ever could.

2) Don’t Forget to Follow-Through

Believe it or not, kids thrive on consistency. Really! They may rant and rave about how they hate your stupid rules, how rules are unfair, and how you have no idea what the world is like today, but they still thrive when they have structure and consistency. Never EVER forget to follow-up on a consequence or a rule that is broken by a teen. They remember, and it’s never in an “I’m so glad my parents didn’t catch me that time–I think I’ll now obey them even more because I really respect their leniency” kind of a way. Want to love them? Follow-through!

3) Don’t Be Afraid to Show Emotion to Your Kids

A lot of parents get so tired from their busy lives that they unintentionally operate in either a “superficial happy” state or in anger, and in both cases harboring an underlying sense of feeling overwhelmed. If we don’t PURPOSEFULLY SHOW a healthy spectrum of feelings, and the healthy coping skills for those feelings, then our kids will do whatever we do. We can show our kids how we may feel frustration and anger within healthy limits. We can model sadness, from a hard day at work or from a funeral or a loss, with a healthy sense of hope and a willingness to call it what it is.

4) Don’t Show Your Teens the 3 Bad Reactions: Hurt, Anger, & Fear

Of course, you are supposed to feel those things. And if those emotions hit you because of life stressors or pressure, then by all means, let your kids see you show those feelings, within careful limits. BUT, don’t show those 3 emotions in reaction to your teens’ behaviors. That will do more damage than you realize. If we show them these three emotions in reaction to what our teens say or do, it’s like we reinforce the bad behaviors. If we show them anger or fear, it gives our kids the sense of control in the situation because now they know they can push our buttons. If you feel angry at your kid, show it in WORDS, not in tone or volume. If you feel hurt, say it CALMLY like a message that Danny Tanner would say at the end of a Full House episode. Let the words of your disappointment do the impact, not your words of being shattered with grief or shock or utter disgust. Hold your ground, keep your limits, express your frustrations and disappointments, but do it calmly and matter-of-factly.

Of course, there are plenty of other Dos and Don’ts out there when it comes to parenting teenagers. We’ll get to many of them in later blog posts. But in my experience, these 4 provide a foundation for parents to start from.

I’ll be posting about each of the 4 points of this series in more detail in the coming days. Stay tuned!

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/the-4-donts-when-raising-teens/Is Facebook a "Frenemy" for Moms? Three Ways to Make it More FRIEND, Less ENEMYhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/ZYCafcNOkKo/ Mon, 28 Jan 2013 09:23:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/is-facebook-a-frenemy-for-moms-three-ways-to-make-it-more-friend-less-enemy/Continue Reading]]>I still remember having the discussion with my fellow therapists in graduate school about why I didn’t like Facebook. I was the only male of 19 students in the program. I explained to them, with a self-righteous smirk, that Facebook was just a fad, that it robbed people of real connection, and that I wouldn’t become involved with it because “I preferred real friends.” Then they created a Facebook account in my name, posted a picture of me in the account, and told me I needed to monitor the account now because people were contacting me. That was 2006, and I still use that same account, now more than ever.

There are clearly good and bad things about Facebook and other social media platforms, but does the good outweigh the bad? Should Facebook take a prominent place in our lives, or rather, should we be worried that it already does just that? Stay-at-home moms, college students, teenagers, and business owners may, from their perspective, actually now NEED Facebook. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Today, businesses can’t ignore the client networking and advertising that happens on social media like Pinterest and Facebook. College life breathes through Facebook walls and newsfeeds. Teenagers find expression through Facebook, and they often feel ostracized if they don’t participate in social media. Parents can use Facebook as a window into their children’s focus, priorities, and concerns. The demographic using social media that I find most interesting, however, is the 20-45 year old “mommy bloggers,” the stay-at-home moms, and the part-time employed moms. They have an online footprint that is anything but insignificant.

So, there are clearly good things and not-so-good things with moms and Facebook. I want to focus on those issues today.

First, let’s start with the positives and the negatives…

Positives:

Connection and ValidationFacebook can provide the sense of connection and community that society provided long before technology took such a foothold in our lives. Meeting socially in a town square, visiting neighbors for tea, and weekly letter-writing were mostly left behind as technology sped up the pace of our lives and demanded we adapt to the change. Facebook and other social media became a fast fixture in our lives as we hungered for the connection and sense of community that was lacking in our increasingly “self-serve” and independent lifestyles. Moms particularly benefit from Facebook as they seek validation, empathy, and connection from other women who may be out of their reach, either because of geography or daily schedule.

Enhanced ParentingFacebook can certainly add to a mom’s parenting experience. What greater comfort can a mom feel during the work day when she is worried about her child’s health, proud of her child’s successes, touched by a child’s love, or embarrassed and insecure about her lack of parenting knowledge, than to be able to instantly share those feelings and experiences with a community of people who know what she is feeling? Almost instantly, moms can hear words of encouragement, reassurances that things will work out, suggestions for almost any parenting dilemma, and most importantly, words of empathy and validation when life gets hard. They can get creative ideas for helping their kids in school, crafty ideas for cooking or decoration, and comic relief from moms who see the humor in their children’s learning experience. Moms can share pictures of their children and keep a kind of “social journal” of the moments that make up her parenting experience day by day. Even a simple collection of “likes” on a Facebook post can reassure a mom that what she is doing is worthwhile.

Negatives:

Thinking You’re Weak Compared to OthersIdeally, Facebook would only provide reasons for encouragement and self-improvement. Unfortunately, Facebook also tends to show more of mothers’ successes and shining parenting moments than it does the struggles that every mom must face. And often the struggles that are described on a status post will be only briefly described, often answered with humor and light-hearted support, and then seemingly be resolved quickly as they are dealt with out of view of the Facebook newsfeed. For some moms, that can leave them feeling emotionallyinadequate. When the reality of day-to-day parenting struggles is very draining and hard to endure, some moms feel they must not be coping with things as well as others do. They feel they must be less capable of “bouncing back” when a hard day hits because their Facebook friends surely must not have struggled as much.

When You Think You Can’t Match UpAlso, in an effort to be recognized, appreciated, and praised for their abilities, many moms will post on Facebook their best parenting moments, greatest successes, most perfect baking creations, and most humorous stories of their kids. Seeing how accomplished and “perfect” all those women are can leave other moms feeling that they will never keep up to that standard — in other words, that they are behaviorally inadequate. We all do it at some point: comparing our average or mediocre moments to the seemingly “perfect” moments of others. It’s not fair, and it’s not based on reality! It takes practice to break out of that pattern, but it is possible. I work with clients on this very issue everyday, and I often hear clients describing themselves in a comparison to the moms they know online.

When Asking for Help BackfiresSadly, bringing parenting topics up on your Facebook status can backfire on you. Sometimes we start out wanting very simple advice on a certain topic, and the comments that follow can become overwhelming, depressing, or unhelpful. Sometimes we get unsolicited advice, and whether it was intended or not, we feel we are being lectured or judged. Sometimes in-laws see our posted comments or questions and they then cast judgment on us as parents. Sometimes friends or “friends of friends” become offended, jealous, or upset because they completely misinterpreted the initial comment. And sometimes we get caught up in our own pattern of comparing ourselves to others when the “perfect mom” responds with a “perfect” comment, and we end up feeling inadequate. Sometimes we don’t really want advice at all; we just crave a listening ear to validate us. And just like with marital struggles, sometimes we resolve and make peace with our own family struggles much faster than other people will — but even though we have moved on, other people may hold on to our issue/concern long afterward.

So, what should moms do to ensure that Facebook only benefits them?

1. Don’t make Facebook your primary source of connection.It is important to remember that while Facebook can be a fun, comforting, and bonding network, it shouldn’t become our main source of connection. Our primary source of connection and comfort should always be our partner if we are in a relationship, or a close relative or close friend if we are single, NOT the community we see mostly online. Facebook will ultimately fall short of meeting the core emotional needs we all have, so it should supplement our sense of social connection with others, not replace it completely.

2. Don’t base your self-worth and sense of personal success on the support and encouragement you receive online. Another mom’s success doesn’t mean we aren’t successful, too. We are all valuable and meaningful in our own families, regardless of how we think we match up to our Facebook friends. I recommend taking each person’s online comments with a grain of salt; everyone will have good days and bad days, and sometimes the greatest gift we can give to people is the gift of forgetting their bad days for them.

3. Don’t be afraid to set emotional boundaries in your life! You wouldn’t let a creepy guy snuggle up close to you on a bus because you would either ask him for space or stand up and walk away. We should set similar boundaries emotionally — if in-laws, friends, or even Facebook tries to manipulate our feelings or starts to bleed into too much of our life, it’s ok to push back and set boundaries.

Let Facebook, Pinterest, and blogs bring color and variety to your life — don’t let them BECOME your life.

New Year’s Eve has arrived! For many of us, that means a party to attend, a day to sleep in, and then a list of goals to consider, commit to, feel overwhelmed by, minimize, and then discard by Valentine’s Day. Sound familiar?

May I suggest that instead of making a goal-driven “list of despair,” that we focus instead on 2 reachable goals. Just 2. Not 10, or even 5! Our lives are full enough already that we don’t need to “stoke the fire of guilt” by creating yet another impossible set of New Year Resolutions. By focusing on 2 important things, we can channel all that energy we normally devote to guilting ourselves, and we can actually feel good about ourselves.

The ONLY 2 New Year’s Goals You Need:

1)Make yourself a priority everyday.

In general, of course, I would recommend the basics: eating 2+ meals a day, getting good sleep, staying active, and seeking balance in your life. Those are all good things! But we need to NOT try to tackle everything at once.

Instead, focus on one aspect of your life which will make everything else easier. Specifically, we should spend 30-60 minutes everyday for ourselves. Choose to curl up with a book, or go to the gym, or nap, or watch a favorite show, or play a video game, or pursue a hobby, or walk, or call a friend, or read blogs or Facebook, or write your book, or simply sit outside and watch nature.

It really doesn’t matter what it is, but we each need “me-time” for 30-60 minutes everyday; time when we don’t have to answer to a soul, not even our partner or children, and we just do whatever WE want to do. It is time for which we report to NO one, feel NO guilt for spending it (this part is very important), and which we can look forward to enjoying everyday.

This concept is at the heart of “self-care.” And one of the biggest myths that driven people carry in their minds is that “self-care must be selfish or lazy.” It’s NOT true. Self-care is NOT selfish, it’s self-protective. When we nourish, protect, and maintain our physical and emotional health, we actually have MORE time, energy, strength, and motivation to focus on our jobs and to care for others.

Remember the speech the flight crew always gives at the start of a flight? We are always told that, in the event of an emergency, we should place the air mask on ourselves BEFORE we help others with their masks. Why? We may think, “I’m an able-bodied, healthy adult, and I am sure that I could easily help 5 people to get their masks on before I went into a wheezing frenzy and had to be saved, right?” But if we put on our own mask first, we will probably save another 15 people, and no one will have to rescue us.

The same idea is true with our emotional health. When I tell people about taking time for self-care, they say something like, “When would I fit THAT in?” or “I never have time to get to the rest of my daily tasks, let alone time for doing that.” Those same people might say the same thing about stopping for gas on their commute to work. We think we don’t ever have time to stop for gas, and then, inevitably, one day we run out of gas on the freeway and someone has to stop and rescue us.

I always think it’s interesting that in the rush of our week, when we turn down our kid who wants to play ball because we don’t have time for a single other thing, we can suddenly find the time to go to the doctor or take a sick day if the stomach flu hits us. Where did the time come from? How did we ever manage to squeeze in a day off? Miraculously, we find a way. And those little “emergencies,” which we magically find time to deal with, are “urgent” because we make them urgent. We can make a little self-care “urgent” as well.

The truth is, we all need to “refuel our emotional tank” on a daily basis, and if we do, we will find an increase in energy, patience, motivation, hopefulness, and sense of purpose. I’m not making this up! There is a science to this concept, and it’s time for each of us to try an experiment.

2) Focus more emotional investment on the relationship which matters most to you.

If you’re married or dating, hopefully this will be your partner. If you are single, this may be your children or your best friend. I know that with our busy jobs, house cleaning, kids’ soccer games, church involvement, and social engagements, we literally might not have a lot of extra time to give to our most important relationships. Sometimes we finally come home and feel so exhausted that all we seem able to do is fall down on the couch or fall into bed.

Ideally, we would find some extra time each day for our partners. But even though we may not be able to ramp up the amount of time we spend with each other, I believe that in a mere 5-10 minutes each night we can ramp up the emotional focus and priority we invest. It all just depends on whether we choose to show our partners our core emotions (not just the irritability, tension, sarcasm, or logistics of the day), and how emotionally tuned-in we are to theirs.

When was the last time you felt genuinely close and bonded to your partner? Chances are that if your relationship is healthy, that closeness didn’t require a trip to Hawaii, or a perfect physical appearance, or a lot of money, or a whole day’s efforts to achieve. But it likely DID involve a few sincere, mutually vulnerable, unguarded, and loving moments of EMOTIONAL CONNECTION with your partner.

Leave your logic and reasoning at the door. Put aside your review of the daily logistics and work calendar. Turn off your TV, tablet, laptop, and phone. And for 5-10 minutes each day, turn on your emotional expression and take an interest in your partner’s feelings: the good, bad, high, low, sad, happy, and love. The 5-10 minutes isn’t meant to solve all your problems, come to solutions, or criticize each other. It’s time to hush up, soak up, and validate each other. There is magic in empathizing and hearing each other, and that only works if both of you take that leap and choose to be vulnerable with each other.

If we can follow these two REACHABLE GOALS this year, we can prevent the “New Year’s Guilty Regret,” and instead give ourselves more energy, more health, and more connection with the people who matter most.

Gifts are being wrapped, family is visiting, and we all hope that we are building memories that will last. With so many things to get done, you may push yourself to do more and sleep less. May I suggest that if a happy and meaningful memory is what you’re after, the quantity of things you are scrambling to get done will be far less important than the MOMENTS you stop to enjoy with your family. Those are our traditions: those moments and activities we slow down for so that enjoyment and bonding can happen.

A key to remember is that ONE successfully meaningful and bonding moment with your partner or family is worth five activities you scramble to set up with only 50% energy or attention to enjoy them.

More bonding, less rushing for perfection!

In my last post (click HERE to read), I discussed the 4 things we gain from meaningful traditions. Whether you have only a handful of traditions, or a bunch, I recommend making small additions. Remember, traditions don’t have to cost money, and they can be as simple as a hug at the door or a few words of love. Here are some ideas to consider for your holiday time together.

And DON’T FORGET: traditions as a couple should be just as important (if not more so!) than the traditions we share with our children. Some of these ideas can still be used this season, and others might be good to remember for your next family fest:

With a pre-determined amount of money and one hour in the same store, buying stocking stuffers for your partner

Instead of trinkets or sugary treats in your kids’ stockings, try putting a gift card to each child’s favorite restaurant in the stocking (that will then be a family night together in the coming weeks at the child’s favorite place)

Make the Christmas tree ornaments together, or use only ornaments that have been given as gifts to each other so that the tree is covered with memories

On Christmas day, have the family stay in their pajamas and watch Christmas movies together

Host a Christmas Eve party that friends or family can start counting on year after year

On Christmas Eve or Christmas night, turn off the lights and use only candles or fireplace while watching movies or playing games or singing

Have a box (like a shoe box) on the mantel and for each good deed that a child does, they add one piece of hay to the box in the hope that by Christmas Eve, there will be enough hay for a “manger”

Couples can have the 12 Days of Love, for which both partners find places to leave a note each day for each other

Make a meaningful gift for your partner (Click HERE for some fun, quick ideas!)

Remember, families start building traditions, but in the end, traditions build families!

I would love to hear your Christmas traditions! Please comment here or on ourFacebook page!

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/holiday-tradition-ideas/feed/1http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/holiday-tradition-ideas/Traditions- Valentines dayhttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/0E1CIAlANv4/ Mon, 24 Dec 2012 07:46:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/traditions-valentines-day/Continue Reading]]>Family rituals can be categorized by the needsthey fulfill. Here are some examples which may seem familiar, and some others which you may want to implement in your own family:

Connection rituals are ones for everyday family bonding and emotional connection.

Family meals

Morning and bedtime routines

Arrivals and departures at home

Family outings

From small trips to the ice cream store to family vacations

Visits to and from extended family

Family celebrations (holidays, baptisms, weddings, etc.)

Remember that a routine becomes a ritual/tradition according to the symbolism and meaning that it holds for us

Love rituals are for making individual family members feel special, and for developing intimacy between partners.

“Inside jokes,” and communication that is only understood between partners

Calling / texting during the day to keep partners aware of stressors, successes, needs

Dating / courting before AND AFTER marriage

Physical affection

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/traditions-valentines-day/Must-Haves for a Strong Family: Tradition!http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/k-XV8Tv5X-4/ Mon, 24 Dec 2012 06:00:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/must-haves-for-a-strong-family-tradition/Continue Reading]]>All of us can remember family traditions that we have been a part of at some point in our lives.Going to a favorite family camping spot, having Thanksgiving dinner with relatives, or even the daily hug we give our young children when we walk in the door. Sometimes family traditions and rituals seem to start on their own, but many times lasting traditions have to be created intentionally. They take effort and follow-through, but they certainly pay off!

Family traditions and rituals can bring happy times and good humor, but there is more to it than that. They can bring genuine closeness, psychological strength, and emotional resiliency. Those may seem like distant and unimportant things, but as soon as they are missing in your family or marriage, suddenly they become the very things we crave.

Family traditions provide 4 important things:

1.Predictability – Rituals are more powerful if they can be something to look forward to and cherish. Kids CRAVE predictability because it brings them a sense of safety, continuity, and reassurance. Don’t let their ardent complaints about Family Night or family dinner or family reunions scare you away–their resistance masks what they likely won’t voice until their twenties: that they knew through traditions that they were loved. And adults are no different! Sure, partners like a spontaneous date, an unexpected gift, or a surprise to break up their daily routine. But those surprises are most appreciated and deeper in meaning if they are shared on a foundation of traditions and mutual engagement that already foster a sense of security in the relationship.

2. Connection – Rituals build emotional bonds that connect families. When was the last time your partner told you that they were “too connected” to you, or that the family felt “overly cohesive”? Hmm… probably not ever! Our kids usually won’t ask for more of a bond with you, but they want it all the same. If we are honest with ourselves, we all crave validation, love, and connection with the people that matter most to us.

3. Identity – Rituals build a sense of identity for the individual and the family. When we look back on our past, much of what has mattered to us is shaped by our cherished and often repeated experiences. We define ourselves by our traditions, and our children feel more security in themselves because of the memories which have taught them that they are loved and important.

4.A way to enact values – Family beliefs, values, and priorities are reinforced by rituals. Parents often search for ways to teach their children what matters most and how to live honorably, and they wonder how to reach past teen drama and childhood defiance to help their children see and understand their love for them. Traditions and family rituals do exactly that, without your children knowing that they are being lectured. Score! What is important enough to be carried out and repeated in family tradition, rain or shine, will be at thevery least acknowledged by our kids as important, if not embraced, either now or in the future. Adapted from The Intentional Family, by William Doherty

Whatever your family traditions are now, you must be persistent and consistent! Kids will complain and beg for the traditions to be skipped, work and schedules will often try to replace or complicate our traditions, and unless we push through that resistance, we will lose the family glue that keeps us strong. Holding firmly to our traditions will bring us closeness, and literally a psychological resilience for the trials and heartaches and difficulties we have to endure every day and week. Our minds find strength to endure when we have consistent and happy things to count on, from the promise of a kiss and a listening ear when we finish our work day, to the knowledge of a Date Night at the end of a long week.

You know that feeling— being able to endure a stressful or boring Thursday because of the weekend that is fast approaching. Have you ever wondered how so many of the elderly and terminally ill can delay their passing until just after Christmas or just after the New Year? It’s the hope and meaning that they place on family, tradition, and things that matter most to them. If we can delay death because we have something important to look forward to, we surely can delay despair during a hard day or week with the hope of a tradition or ritual to look toward.

Whatever traditions you now have, add more! They will only help!

Stay tuned for some great ideas for holiday traditions!

]]>http://www.ambercreekcounseling.com/uncategorized/must-haves-for-a-strong-family-tradition/Helping a Child Grievehttp://feedproxy.google.com/~r/AmberCreekCounseling/~3/_x56X1_wAPI/ Tue, 18 Dec 2012 06:30:00 +0000http://ambercreek.ryanbradshaw.com/uncategorized/helping-a-child-grieve/Continue Reading]]>Here are some insights in response to the Newtown tragedy. I hope they give comfort and guidance to parents.

I wish that there were one perfect way to describe how to help all children grieve a loss. Sadly, there are many different factors which will make a universal answer difficult to provide: the circumstances that a child endures, the support that they may or may not have, the age of the child, and the culture of the child’s country, community, and even family. But some things will be universally true. Here are some thoughts that I hope and pray will bring some direction to any of you who may be searching for direction at this time of tragedy and loss. Some of your kids may think the tragedy in Connecticut is distant and unrelated to them. Other kids will feel scared, unsettled, and saddened.

1.Children, just like their parents, crave emotional safety, meaning that they want to feel that others care about their feelings and will help to take care of those feelings.Children want to feel loves, safe, and secure in their family, and that the people most important to them aren’t going anywhere. There are ways that we can help to ensure those things for our children, and when those things get shaken, there are ways that we can comfort them and help them make sense of their loss.

2.It is important to remember that children express and work through grief in different ways than adults usually will. While adults will often feel heavy and intense feelings over a long stretch of time, children often will have waves of intense feelings, while intermittently returning to a visibly calmer or happier state. Sometimes adults will then believe that children are “back to normal” and “healed,” when, in fact, they haven’t finished working through it. Don’t make the mistake of believing that the way you feel and deal with grief will be the same process your kids will follow.

3.Let your kids express feelings, if they want to.Never stifle their feelings or invalidate their hurt. use simple words and keep things real, but use an empathic and sensitive tone. In fact, gush empathy to your kids like it’s going out of style.

4. As for how much information to give your child, give details and allow them to know details only as much as they ask you or seek to know. Explain to your children that they are safe now, and what has happened to others won’t be happening to them.

5.Finally, give your kids some ideas of what will be happening next, be it a funeral, new reports, candlelight vigils, and saying goodbye.Kids like predictability, so remove the mystery of what is next after tragedy.

Above all, don’t bury the emotions or pretend that they don’t affect you. When YOU visibly and verbally allow yourself to feel pain, hurt, sadness, and even love, it gives your children permission to do the same. And that is something that kids often will watch closely, to see how WE model it.

I have found the following links to be helpful, and I would recommend them to our readers:

HERE are some helpful links to start conversations with your kids about grief and loss, and what can be done to reach out in ways that really matter.

THIS ONE gives some excellent tips for how to let children know about a death.

HERE are some helpful insights about age-specific things for parents to expect their kids to be going through.