just another 3fc blog

so, I had the talk with my two bffs. I was very upset with them because I feel like they just aren’t good friends anymore to me, especially one of them who i have known the longest. In the end, we were all unwilling to end it. IT’s too hard. We chose to pretend we would compromise. The thing is, I don’t think it’ll work. I think we are far too different people to ever be good friends again, and I think so much has happened (so many events that I feel have been a slap to my face), that I can never ever really forgive. But, for now, I will try. I hate that we’ve lost this friendship, but I’m also very accepting of it at this point. I just have so much going for me that I don’t want negativity to bring me down. So, we’ll see where these friendships go. Maybe they can be repaired, may be they can’t.

My boyfriend went home for Christmas. he’s been gone 8 days, and has about 3 more days before he’s back here in LA. WE are planning on spending NYE snowboarding and having fun. I am so excited! I’ve missed him so much, more than I thought I would. He’s only been gone a week, but I guess I didn’t realize how much we hang out, how much I think about him, and how much I like to See him and spend time with him. It scares me, because I’m pretty much in love with him. It’s worked so well. We get each other. It’s not perfect but it is. The thing is, I’ve started to think “what if I do want kids down the road”. He’s made it clear he’s not changing his mind despite being only 27. He’s made it up, kids aren’t in his path now or ever. I don’t know if I want kids, so is this really a dealbreaker? Is there a compromise? I miss him when he’s not hre for a week, I can’t imagine him not being with me. ahhhhh!!!! grown up questions suck.

So much has changed in the last year of my life. I am a much different person that I was at the beginning of the year. I am more confident. I am more driven. I am nicer. Happier. Healthier. I expect more of myself, and I expect more of my friends.

Yesterday, I went out with my two best friends. We’ve been friends since middle school, so over 15 years. Good friends. Best Friends. But, this past year, Ive started to realize, we’ve really grown apart. We are not the same people, and I am not sure I like who they have become. I don’t like what I have to be in order to stay friends with them. At first I blamed myself. I lost weight, I changed. And I have. I dont’ want to take any more bullshit and drama from friends who don’t care and who only think of themselves. Without going into too much detail, they showed me that they don’t value our friendship. Last night, my two best friends showed me that they are not the girls I once knew. everything changes and I can’t keep trying to hold on to the past. My boyfriend saved me yesterday, picked me up even though he was swamped with work and my friends were supposed to have taken care of me. I love him. It’s hard for me to be in this phase where I’m letting go of the love I have for my friends. But, it’s also wonderful to be going through this new feeling of love I have for my boyfriend. I never thought my girls would desert me, or change on me. Where I couldnt rely on them. But it happened. And somehow, my boyfriend snuck in and gave me a stability that I didn’t know I was missing. So hard to explain.

So, I’m done. I’m done trying to be the friend who pleases everyone but myself. I’m done being the friend who takes the blame so that everyone else feels better about themselves. I tried and I made this effort to maintain these friendships. And, I’ve realized it’s not worth it. So, here’s to me. Here is to me having fun, and making new friends and not relying on the old ones. Here is to me being a better person.

I did it. I weighed in at 135 a couple of weeks ago and have maintained that. Me. 135. I find that unbelievable. I can’t believe that I was finally able to get to that weight. I’ve lost 164 pounds. I haven’t weighed 135 since elementary school. I kind of want to get below 135 to give myself a cushion, but at the same time I’m happy with where I am at. I have been very slow with exercise because of my back issues. That, and I’ve just been lazy and happy with my life. LIke, I haven’t exercised in about a month, ever since i hurt my back. My back is a lot better, so I know that I should start exercising. I like to exercise. It makes me feel better when I do, it makes me feel healthier. So, here’s to ending 2013 with a bang!