my journey from gluttonous to glorious

I remember this one time when I was teaching and one of the school board members had a son in my class. His son was failing… badly. He just wasn’t doing work. Nothing out of the ordinary for a high school boy… many of them go through this “phase”. Anyway, the dad started to just go after me in emails that were CCed to the superintendent… it was my fault and all that. And unfortunately he said some really mean things to me: that I didn’t care about my students, that I obviously wasn’t teaching the kids, that I was just giving the kids busy work.

Now, I was one of those teachers that took feedback very seriously. Because, whether any of those things were true or false, it didn’t matter. Perception is reality. And I knew I was teaching the kids. I knew I wasn’t giving them busy work (heck, I didn’t even GIVE homework). Above all of that though, I KNEW that I loved and cared for my students. I mean… just look at the pic above from our Staff vs. Student Volleyball game. Who would dress like that AND fro their hair out AND run around playing volleyball if they didn’t care about the kids?!?!

Oh man… this all just ripped me up inside.

I would have full blown conversations with this gentleman in the solace of my car… things that I WISHED I could say to him but never would. I was sick over it.

The kind of sick you feel when you have the stomach bug… that feeling was in my stomach all. day. long.

Only, what did I do? Did I stop eating because my stomach felt funny?

Nope.

I ate MORE because my stomach felt funny. And food was my comfort.

And I can still remember that I got to the point one day where I, out of desperation, just prayed: God. Please work this out. Give me the guidance to know what to do in order to just make this end peaceably.

Well, I got to school and there was a reply email from the superintendent basically asking “Hey… I believe in you. Just tell me what’s going on here.”

It was like God.

Ya know… the food I was eating couldn’t make that situation dissolve. It couldn’t soothe the emotions of those worried parents. All it could do was make me fatter and sicker.

But God… well, He was Johnny on the SPOT!

I gave my worries and cares to Him and He took care of it. Know why? Cause he CARES about what happens to me.

That brownie. That cookie dough. Those chips.

They don’t care.

POSITIVITY: I am carefree.

Give all your worries and cares to God, because he cares about what happens to you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

PRAYER:

God, Thank you for taking all these burdens that I tend to carry on my own. I love that I can rely on You to watch over me… to be concerned about my little daily life.

Help me to remember over these days and weeks that You want to deal with my stressful situations. Help me to come to you whenever I have some kind of issues that worries my soul. Help me to see a brownie or cookie dough or chips and to think of YOU instead of the non-help that they offer.

Ready for another “I’m not really all that cool” confession. I already told y’all that I’m not super athletic and I’m finally okay with that. And now I’m here to tell you that I don’t really want to climb mountains, or mountain bike through forests, or go skydiving.

My idea of fun, or shall I say, my idea of “enjoyment” is… relaxing.

Bring on a sandy beach or lapping lake, a reclining chair, waves crashing, a book… and I’m set. I could literally do that every day of my life. (Well, theoretically… cause the closest I ever got to that life was in Costa Rica. And that’s been a looooooooong time ago. I threw in a pic of me above at my recent 24-hour get away for my 9th anniversary to a local lake. All we did was chill and relax.)

So, when I hear this in scripture…

Only in returning to me and waiting will you be saved. Quietness and confidence is your strength. Isaiah 30:15

That God WANTS me to be chill. He WANTS me to relax. He WANTS me to just wait for Him. He WANTS me to be quiet.

Well, I get pretty happy.

Cause I like being told “slow down. wait. chill out.”

And if I can just remember that in my food journey, then things will be so much better.

God is working in me. on me. through me.

I just need to sit back, follow His lead, and enjoy the rest.

PRAYER:

Lord God, you are so good to take care of me. As much as I try to weasel my way into being a part of it all… you always seem to just take care of everything.

Help me to calm down and just… WAIT. Help me to quiet my soul and be confident that You will save me. Help me to return to You when I run away.

Thank you for Your forgiveness that makes me WANT to return to You. Thank you for the hope you give me. You are my ALL.

And I just feel like there is something big about to happen in my life. Now, I’m not necessarily saying something good is about to happen in my life, but something big. I know that God uses all kinds of things in our lives to drive us closer and closer to His Purpose for us… and I know that God uses all kinds of things to spread His Name and His Glory. So, I’m up for whatever. But I think I’ve kinda been… ruined.

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.James 1:2-4

When I see the word endurance, I automatically think of my brother. He’s this super-athlete that enjoysrunning insane distances. We joke that he got all of the athletic endurance and I got none (although the older I get I realize it has far more to do with his willpower than it does with any physical genetics). Anyway… I’ve gone to many-a-race to watch him run and I’m thinking particularly of his half-Ironman race a few years ago. A half-Ironman is as close to chosen-insanity as I can imagine, but he loves to push himself. After his race, we watched videos and looked at pictures. As my brother told his race story, and as we watched him run by… exhausted… I sorta redefined my image of endurance.

{Speaking of image…this is my bro in one of his many races!}

I think we often think that endurance is just someone running along without struggles. Endurance is not about continuing at the same pace. Endurance is about simply continuing. It’s about pushing past the limit that your body tries to tell you is there. It’s about, for a runner, throwing up whilerunning to keep going and not stop. It’s about limping as you cross the finish line even though you have been running the past 5 miles with a blister. It’s about running throughshin splints, cramps, pulled muscles.

And that’s sorta where I feel I’ve been the past few months… sticking to it whileI struggle. even though I’ve stumbled. pushing throughtrials and temptation. But, I’m still here. I have not given up. I have kept faith that God will carry me across that finish line… I may be exhausted, but He and I will. finish. this. race.

So, today, I look at the calendar of coming days and weeks, and I know that this race has been testing my endurance and developing it, so that I’ll be strong in character and READY… ready for anything.

PRAYER:

God… I’m just so… excited! I know that the next chapter of my journey might be perilous and crazy and unexpected but I’m just so excited to be GOING on a journey. I’m so excited that I’m still ON a journey with You!

Thank you for giving me what I need to be ready. Thank you for all of the trials and whatnot that I’ve gone through over the past few months as I limp through this race. Thank you because it has shown me that it is about endurance and making it through with You.

I’m ready… ready for whatever path You are ready to take us down. I have this weird surge of faith and hope and trust for you lately and maybe that is why I’m so ready to… just DO IT!

Above all God, I ask that I keep my eyes on You. You made this faith that I rely upon. Help me to maintain the right focus… one that is all about you and not about being skinny. Help me God, every moment of every day.

Over the past few months, I have found that I have tried to do a lot of this “dieting” thing on my own.

Not sure why… I mean, it’s not like the whole “doing it on my own” was working for me before, but whatev. I guess I just slowly let my pride or something override my willingness to follow God and utilize His Power and His Help.

After reading Made To Crave (well, I read the first half of it and then I had to return it to the library), I just kept remembering her referring, multiple times, to times when she would go into her bathroom or closet or something and cry out in prayer to God. And I sorta realized that I wasn’t really doing that when I was hitting struggles or temptations. So, this morning, knowing that I just HAD to get back on His Path, I started to just very, very simply pray…

God, help me.

And ya know what… I think He heard me.

Yeah… sorry, that was a bit of sarcasm.

I knowHe heard me.

I was able (not necessarily easily) to turn away from everything that was against my covenant with Him. But I’m gonna tell you that I’d probably said “God, help me” about 57 times before breakfast. Honestly though… it doesn’t matter to me how many times I had to say it! He was there. So…

POSITIVITY: I am heard.

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” Psalm 91:14-16

PRAYER:

God, I have one of those step by step prayers for you today.

First of all, forgive me please God. Forgive me for turning from You and relying solely upon myself. Forgive me for breaking covenant with You time and time again… willfully. deliberately. pridefully.

And thank you God for your forgiveness and mercy and unconditional love and second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. changes.

With that being said, thank you for listening to me. hearing me. rescuing me. rewarding me.

And with THAT being said, God… help me. Please keep helping me. Draw me closer to you.

These days, it seems I’m lucky to get a chance to write. My life has just turned into one big don’t-have-time-to-write slur of days. And there have been days in a row where my fingers are, literally, aching with words to write. But sitting down for the thirty minutes per post (minimum) to write is just not happening lately.

But don’t give up on me! My oldest starts full-time Kindergarten in the fall and my youngest will be going to preschool two days a week… and my husband has been emphatic that I spend those ten hours a week of non-kid life… writing! So, if you can make it with my sporadic writing until August then there will be a reward.

Well, sorta. I mean… a reward as in, I will write with regularity. Ha!

Okay, with that being said. I sorta wish that today had been one of those days in which I wrote this morning instead of now because I think I could have used some positivity and prayer… well… much, much earlier than right before bed. Ha!

We went on an impromptu whirlwind trip to the beach this past weekend (it was my kids’ first trip to the beach) and so needless to say, there was no time to think much less write. And then this morning, there was noooooo wayyyyyyy I was going to wake up before my kids I was so exhausted.

So when I finally got up and going, I came across a washer full of clothes that I put in on Thursday morning before this happened:

Husband: Let’s go to the beach.Me: Okayyyyyy, when?Husband: Uhhhh, now.Me: Now as in… now?!?!Husband: Now as in… like in an hour? Come on. It’ll be fun. It’ll be my Father’s Day present.

I do love being impromptu and now that we have kids we are almost NEVER impromptu and so as I looked at the calendar, I realized… now really WAS the best time to go. So, I said yes.

And we left two hours later for the beach.

And I forgot about the load of laundry in the wash.

Gross. Gag. Ewwww. Ick.

My day just sorta never really perked back up after that. It was a sour laundry kind of a day. A very, very typical Monday.

{This is where I’m supposed to write one of my encouraging posts
with positivity and prayer, buuuuuuuuut I’m not.
Annnnnnnnnnd I’ll tell you why.}

Well, first of all… I hate to write these things. I feel like I’m letting you down. I know I’m letting Him down. But I don’t want you to look at this post and think, “Oh, this whole thing didn’t work for her… it won’t work for me either.” Because that’s not it. So, just stick with me for a sec.

I ate a bunch of chocolate this weekend. And then again today.

I think it’s safe to say, I’m struggling.

I think it’s even safer to say… that the phrase “I’m struggling” is an understatement.

And here’s why I chose to stop my positivity thing and share this with you. I turned into The Promise Bible to see if there was something that sorta “fit” my mood today and lookie at what I turned to…

Yeahhhhhhhhh. I’m gonna admit that I froze still when I saw that. I’m not one for the whole “turn to a random page and that is God talking to you” philosophy but dannnnnnng these two pages facing each other sure as heck got my attention.

“When I was struggling I took a picture at 272 pounds. I am under 200 now.But being a father motivates me to be my best. And it is better than any food I have ever eaten.”

And I know that I’m supposed to either get something from the quote in the pic or from his being a father motivates him… but ya know what I zoned in on and have been zoning in on? “When I was struggling…” I think that this is key for me right now… this guy struggled. But he feels powerful and in control now. But at this point… he was struggling. But he persevered. He stuck with it. And so now he can say “WHEN I was struggling…”

It’s not that I took comfort in the fact that he struggled. It’s that I take comfort in the fact that he overcame! And it’s like I just need to keep on… keepin on. I remind myself now “This is a journey. This is a journey. This is a journey.” It’s not about sinning or not sinning. It’s not about yesterday or today. It’s about the journey. It’s about staying focused on that destination and running for it at times, and at other times trudging towards it. But the key… THE KEY… is to keep. moving. forward.

So, I think that maybe I’ve come full circle to my positivity. And well… I started to bold the “important” parts and then I realized that I had bolded the whole thing. Ha!

Oh Lord God… today I am humbled yet again. Today I am reminded of the fact that I can only do this through Your Power and in Your Timing. Help me to remember that this. is. a. journey. This is not over just because I ate some Easter m&ms. This is just a step in the journey.

I realize now how important it is to keep my eye on The Prize. I think that I’ve let my eye wander away from You and focus more on my weight and weight loss than on you. As always, bring me back. And ya know… I can tell you are. I can see in all the tiny ways that are adding up that you are bringing me back around. I know, God, that I’m going to stay on this path. And I’m going to stay on it because I know that You won’t give up on me. And if you won’t give up on me… then I think that I won’t give up on me either.

But I hear your words to “guard my heart above all else” and I know that is my new focus. I’ve been more focused for months on “guarding my food choices above all else” and I think that I was just deterring off of the “safe path” that you speak of. Again, God, please… bring me back. I give myself to you. Broken, again. Hurting, again. Ready, again.

Thank you that your mercies ARE truly new each morning. Thank you that I can shake this off and begin again with my eyes on what is ahead. Guide me through tomorrow God. Keep me on the safe path and keep my eyes focused on You. Ohhhhhhhhh howdy. How I love You.

I’m deviating a bit from the “identities” on Day 460: Name Change again today like I did yesterday. It’s sorta like my soul is longing for something specific and so I’m on a bit of a hunt to find the truth that my heart needs to hear. As I journey around the Word on that hunt, I am probably going to come up with several different things to be positive about what God has said about me. In the end, it will probably be all the truths that I find along the way that end up being “the” truth that my heart needed! Anyway, I have been really looking through The Promise Bible more like I did in yesterday’s post (Day 519: Positivity Pending) and here is one that I got from it:

POSITIVITY: I am triumphant.

You belong to God, my dear children. You have already won your fright with these false prophets, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 1 John 4:4

So, I’m not much of an athlete.

Well, I’m actually just not an athlete… at all. I mean, I used to be pretty good at sports and stuff when I played but now I’m just not into anything. For a while I sorta felt bad about it, like I wasn’t as good as other people cause I didn’t WANT to go run a half-marathon or because I’m some kind of weirdo that doesn’t get that endorphin-buzz after a workout. But now I’m like… wait, people haven’t “worked out” for thousands of years. Maybe I’m not the weirdo after all!

But, there are a couple (and I mean, literally, a couple) of things that I like to do that are athletic/outdoorsy in nature: swim and river rafting.

Go figure… both are water. I must be a daughter of Poseidon. (Sorry, Percy Jackson shout out).

Anyway… I love them. I think I liked river rafting because I didn’t have to really be super fit to do it but it was fun and fast and exhilarating and… watery. Plus, there is like this feeling of triumph when you return to “base” or whatever and you’re alive! I mean, look at the pic above… it’s my brother who just got back from a trek around Colorado. Doesn’t that look RAD???

But I was thinking about it and river rafting is actually a very, very good analogy for our life with God. I mean… we are on this river that really takes us whatever direction it wants to but we do have some tools to maneuver the ride.Eventually we’ll end up at the end of the river one way or another. We will probably get wet and messy. We might take a few pit stops here and there if we get lost or unsure. And at the end of the day, we feel triumphant.

I think that’s how I feel right now about this battle with food. I’m on this river… that’s moving and I can’t stop it but I do have some tools to help guide me smoothly down the river… and I even have a guide (the bible and Holy Spirit). After making it through rocky sections or particularly rough and fast sections, there is a feeling of triumph!

And that’s what’s cool… this guide of mine… He is even stronger than the pull of the waters. He can make my little raft do… miraculous things. So I mean, it’s like this… if you go river rafting knowing that your guide can make your raft, like, basically just float over hard sections or ram through them with a fury… you’re going to be a lot less daunted.

Well, our Guide can do just those things. So, let’s go rafting baby!

PRAYER:

Thank you God for the awesome power that you have given me. And thank you for this trip down the river. I mean, it’s not some kind of perfect My Little Pony type of ride where we float around on clouds made of pink cotton candy, but I think I like it better that way! I even like the rough spots (after I’ve passed them). You just made this whole thing of life so… awesome… in a weird way.

And thanks for giving me the tools that I need. God, help me to use the tools when I’m nervous or struggling. Help me to use the Holy Spirit and the Word as my guide when I feel lost or scared. Help me to ride down this river of life skillfully. Help me to honor You as I ride it.

It’s Fun To Follow

Follow The Covenant Diet

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email!

Meet Me

Hey there, friend, my name is January! Almost two years ago, realizing I was addicted to food (mainly sugar) I made a covenant with God to only eat certain foods and I'm blogging my way through it!

I'd love for you to join me on this journey as we seek God to help us through addiction to food, gluttony, overeating... whatever you want to call it. I truly believe that through covenanting with God that we can be free of this weight that brings us down, and we can move from gluttonous to glorious!