Courtney: So what do you get when you take three Aussies, a Russian mail order bride, a Dane, and a Brit, dress them up in cowpoke gear, and make them dance to a song about a type of boat pretty exclusive to the States? A rather confused performance. 😛 I can only imagine what kind of questions got tossed around backstage after this wonder…perhaps Oksana asking “What is pontoon? Is like U-boat?”

Heidi: I think their mojo was off. Mail Order Bride’s hair was all crimped and curled and very unlethal. It’s like Sampson after a haircut. I think I’ve explained this before. 🙂

Heidi: That whole conversation was cracking me up. I have this vision of the producers seeing that footage and rolling on the floor laughing, while planning how they can air something that sounds dirty but isn’t. I’ve been of the opinion that Derek was crushing on Melissa back in her original season because of how he talked to her. And here he does a typical guy thing and Melissa? Hilarious. But the best bit was Shawn telling Melissa authoritatively that “they’re big” then reassuring Derek that they’re big. It’s okay, Derek, Melisssa called them cute. Not what you were going for, I know. Um….what was the “they” that they were talking about again?? 😉

Courtney: Somehow I think Melissa has outgrown the whole “I must appeal to the male ego” phase that 20-something women go through, before figuring out that men need to get their balls busted every now & then in order to keep them in check 😛 Shawn? I think she just wants to protect everyone. It’s actually kinda cute…both of them. 😛

The Award for the Most Bizarro Celeb Line O’ the Night: Emmitt Smith for “Your Underarms are Hot” to Cheryl Burke before they danced.

Heidi: Okay, you be the judge – pickup line or smack talk? LOL

Courtney: Did Cheryl forget to put her hand sanitizer under her armpits that night or what? Who knows…maybe Emmitt’s into maschalagnia. Go look it up…if you dare. 😯

The “The Man Behind the Curtain” Award (aka Award for Best Outing of Storyboarding): TPTB for showing behind the scenes judges commentary where Len is talking about Gilles “queer legs” and funny arms after giving him a 9

Heidi: All this after saying Derek’s choreo was “fantastic” and the movement was “brilliant” and then giving them an 8.5. Yeah, that makes sense. The only thing you can pick on is a cow and a tractor – give them an 8.5. Pick on Gilles legs and arms give him a 9. Ummm…for a guy with no agenda you certainly seem to have…an agenda. What’s really odd is TPTB who keep showing the comments the judges make when they think they are off camera. At least they really did seem to like Kirstie which explains her scores.

Courtney: I was just left entirely confused after they offered up those bits, because the two you mentioned seemed to entirely contradict the critiques they gave the couples immediately after the dance. Len was right about Gilles’, though – there was something off about his entire performance, to the point that it was actually off-putting, because I felt like he was intentionally trying to be as over-the-top as he could, given the song he was dancing to. So you can imagine my disappointment when Len was relatively easy on him, compared to his tyrade about cows and tractors to Shawn. Guess the lesson to be gleaned from this is that acting like a drag queen = acceptable, farm props = wrongo bongo. WTF.

The Award for the Tackiest Display of Having Too Much Fun: Brooke Burke for her barely concealed glee in asking uncomfortable questions like “Who do you think will be eliminated” and then commenting on how week 6 was the exact week Sabrina was eliminated back in Season 5.

Heidi: Jesus, Brooke! You’re enjoying your job just a bit too much here. It was partly her attitude that had me convinced that no one was going home, because her glee is just…obscene in the context of Sabrina’s elimination. And yes, I do think she is finding out who gets the boot before the show – I think she has been for a while. But either way…tacky. And I really hate how she handles telling the couples they’re safe. Oddly, as she’s gotten better at the job – more comfortable – I’m liking her a bit less. For reasons stated.

Courtney: Brooke was like an 80’s valley girl asking those questions up in the celebraquarium – “So like, you were eliminated this same week like, 5 years ago. Are you gonna be, like, upset if that like happens again? Hee hee!” And then I do have to give Val & Kelly some props for gracefully thwarting her “So who you do you think is going home?” baited question. I have to wonder if they’re really taking this “create a climate where the couples are encouraged to hate one another” thing a bit too far, to the point where they’re encouraging Brooke to ask loaded questions like that. Drama, drama, drama…ratings, ratings, ratings. This is Seacrest/Probst league stuff, dammit – and last I checked, The Berge was the incumbent Emmy winner in the hosting category…and he never had to resort to underhanded tactics like that.

Heidi: Which might explain why he was “off” the entire results show. I was tempted to create a “most shocking” category and make it Tom’s delivery during most of the results show.

The Award for the Meaningless Statistic Guaranteed to Piss Heidi Off: TPTB feeding Brooke the line that Apolo is the Celeb with “More perfect scores than any other”

Heidi: I should not say anything here and give out a prize for the person in the comments who can explain why that statistic is meaningless and downright bogus. But I won’t because I can’t help myself. 🙂 You cannot reasonably say that about Apolo when comparing him with great dancers who aren’t on the All Star season and therefore don’t have a chance for additional perfect scores. It’s also totally bogus when the judges intentionally underscore people like Shawn and Nicole (and many others) in the hopes of making a given season a horse race. It’s also totally bogus when the road to a perfect score is entirely dependent on your competition in a given season. This is a bogus and meaningless statistic that no one with brains should be spouting as valid.

Courtney: As my Polish college calc professor would say, “You change de wariables, you change de solution” – the variables have changed since Apolo’s season, and now those perfect scores from season 5 don’t mean dookie. And having ditzy Brooke do all this witless parroting of meaningless stats just leads to more stupidity on the part of some of the viewers, who delight in repeating them as some sort of proof of…who knows what. Whatever stupidity I’m hearing repeated over and over despite Heidi & I’s best efforts to debunk it 😛 It’s irritating to no end.

The “Semi-Harmless Behavior That is Irrationally Irritating to Ailing Court” Award: Kelly Monaco, for mumbling and acting clueless whenever it’s time to pick a dance for another couple

Courtney: As some of you may know from Twitter (and some of you may not), I was not feeling 100% this week – there was a virus going around my office, and I woke up Tuesday feeling like poo…I had a fever, body aches, headache, sore throat, the works. Consequently, some of you may have noticed me being a bit less patient and a bit more…cantankerous this week. At least moreso than usual 😛 Things that normally don’t bother me too much were suddenly very irritating, and I found myself with a rather short fuse. Case in point? I found myself exceptionally sore with Kelly when rewatching the results show, as she and Val picked Gilles & Peta’s dance. She did the same thing this time that she did the last time they picked – she mumbled, acted clueless, and generally failed at simply repeating what Val whispered in her ear. I found myself really bothered by it, for whatever reason – maybe it’s because I was taught to speak up and talk with confidence as a kid, maybe it was because I feel like Kelly goes into giggly, shy schoolgirl mode whenever she’s around Val, who knows…but I found myself screaming at the tv “For f*ck’s sake, speak up!!! And it’s not hard to repeat what Val has already said to you three times!” I recall getting a bit bothered by it when they picked bolero for Emmitt & Cheryl, too – she fumbled with the word, as if it was really hard to pronounce. “Bo…bol-ero. Bolero!” Not rocket science, Kelly – Val tells you what to say and you say it. Loud and clear. He shouldn’t have to tell you to speak up (and yeah, he did…he himself even seemed a bit surly, hissing “You’re going to have to speak a lot louder than that!”). Am I the only one annoyed by this? I am? Ok, just me then. 😛

Heidi: You know, it’s entirely possible she’s just stoopid. 😀 But hey, I’m with ya. I blame PMS and stupid ass fangirls who see conspiracy in everything even when they were proved so WRONG last time – looking at you Marky fans with wild conspiracy theories.

Great work once again. You guys crack me up! I always enjoy it when you make fun of Brooke, because brooke… never stops being laughable. However, after brooke asked who they thought was being eliminated, I would have bowed down to anyone who said Gilles. You guys grabbed this weeks highlights and made my sunday. Thanks!

Great job again, ladies.
Those “off camera” comments from the judges are just to much. and make no sense at all – surprise!!
Just can’t get over Brooke this year – what an assinine comment first to Sabrina about the exact same time etc and then ask who they think will be eliminated? Yikes couldn’t believe it.
The Derekl/Shawn/Melissa biceps bit were funny – way to go Shawn to support your partner. lol.
Again, thanks for the laughs. You guys always hit it spot on.

Just a little heads up…..Kelly is 30% deaf in both ears because of a scuba accident she had a few years back. She speaks softly because she can’t hear herself as well and if you notice, when she’s looking at other people she’s looking at their mouths as they speak. I wouldn’t expect you to know that if you haven’t followed Kelly through out her career but that’s what you caught when she was picking the dances.

A great way to start my day! Thank you both! Brooke just needs to shut up. Or ask a very simple, basic question and then have the judges scores. Tom could do what she does when they’re standing next to him and do a much better job.

I think hearing loss of any kind is more likely to lead to shouting, rather than mumbling, so I don’t know that I buy it. I also heard she had partial loss in ONE ear so I’m not really inclined to believe a first time poster on the subject.

I’m with Heidi – not sure I buy it. I’ve ruptured both of my ear drums multiple times and have experienced some hearing loss as a result – and I find myself talking wayyyy too loud as a result, and I can usually hear just fine if someone is whispering directly in my ear…which is exactly what Val was doing to Kelly both times. I’m more inclined to believe that Kelly just gets kinda sheepish and stuttery when she’s not sure what exactly is going on.

This first time poster has actually followed Kelly’s career and has seen interviews where she talks about the hearing loss she’s experienced in both ears and how on GH her nickname is “whispering horse” because she never knows how loud she is. But it’s whatever. You can find the videos on youtube if you’d like. I just thought it was a bit uncalled for to call her stupid for something she has no control over, hence why I posted. But that’s just me I guess *shrugs*

And no problem guys. Kelly is a pretty cool person with an amazing story. She’s been through some things in life which is why I’m so happy she’s getting so far this season. She’s really good and definitely improved over her first season.

Sweetheart, I didn’t call her stupid for something she has no control over. You read that in. I said “Maybe she’s just stoopid.” *Maybe*. And nothing you’ve said really changes that possibility. But besides all that – the Cheesecake Awards are not for the humor impaired or for sensitive fangirls. You might want to keep that in mind next time.

EVERYONE has been through things in their life and EVERYONE left has improved from their first season. Next?

The fact that you called her stupid at all is why I commented. To ME, that’s going a little overboard and goes into the realm of “fangirl” that you accuse me of being. Talk about the dances, talk about the gimmicks, talk about the clothing, jokes, etc. Things that actually qualify as “cheesy” but I just didn’t agree with actually having the nerve to call someone stupid because they were nervous or probably can’t hear what was being told to them. And who’s getting sensitive? Am I not allowed to disagree with your comments? Oh….ok then lol.

I loved Shawn’s insistence to Melissa and second, reassuring time to Derek of, “No, they’re big.”

Shawn is such a doll. What a lovely, young lady she’s become. I really hope she wins. Never thought she wouldn’t with Derek but she’s grown up so much since her last season. A+ on child rearing to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson!

On an off note, I’m hard of hearing myself with surgery in the past and my friends call me the “loud talker” because I over-compensate. Of course that doesn’t mean anything in regards to Kelly since I’m not her and don’t know her situation personally. I was just kind of over her since that over-top soap opera, contemporary, showmance lameness. Yes, I do credit her with that because Val is new to this medium and Kelly’s been in it for a looong time. But whatever, she’s had a good run in light of an all-star season and she should be proud of it, which ever order she’s voted off.

Britany, the Cheesecake Awards are just that and they are just for fun. If you don’t like what you read, then don’t read it. It’s that simple. Also, please don’t tell us what we can and can’t do or you won’t be here for long.

Again, Britany, you project. This is not me being “sensitive”, this is me rolling my eyes at your disturbing lack of humor and your over reaction to a one line comment in a rather long post. Now move on or I’ll move you on. You’re allowed to disagree, but clearly you are new here – if you had been around before, you would have read the warnings about the cheesecake awards. That is YOUR fault and is bad netiquette – you’re supposed to “read the room” before posting. Period.

Never told you what you could and couldn’t do. Just disagreed with what you wrote. But it’s whatever. I read it. Didn’t like it and responded accordingly. According to your rules, that was allowed so I’m not really seeing the issue…

How am I lacking humor if I don’t find calling someone stupid, to be funny? As I said before, I was fine up until “stupid” came into the equation and I responded accordingly. I geared my post to what was acceptable per your rules and considering my post was one of the first ones here, I “read” the room just fine.

My brother has mid-range hearing loss that prevented him from joining the Army after high school. He never whispers. If anything, he talks louder, but then, he’s also a teacher of special-ed HS students, so there’s that.

As far as the EVERYONE comment that Heidi made..I think that EVERYONE has gone thru a personal trial or tribulation in their lives. I know I have. TWO pretty drastic things in a four month period, One of which caused me to lose a kidney back in April of this year. But I digress. I still manage to maintain a healthy sense of humor as I’m also an RN and if I didn’t have one, I’d be a patient on the psych ward.

Fwiw, different types of hearing loss can cause people to speak softly or loudly. Conductive hearing loss can make ones own voice sound loud to oneself thus the quiet talking. Other types of hearing loss can make ones voice sound quiet to oneself and thus the louder talking. I don’t really care one way or the other about Kelly’s voice, just didn’t want a few anecdotal stories make it seem like there is only one way a person with hearing loss would speak. I realize this is a cheesecake post and thus supposed to be funny and fun so won’t belabor the point. Cheers all.

jess, thanks for the info on how different types of hearing loss can cause some to speak more loudly and others more softly. I wondered about that but having no medical background didn’t know and being generally lazy, didn’t bother to research it. 😛

I lurk on this board all the time and I enjoy it, but why does it seem that whenever someone says something that goes against the grain you guys come down so hard on them? I didn’t read anything negative in that person’s comment that justified being basically threatened to be banned. You folks do excellent work and I’m actually impressed by the writing and the comments, but you really don’t make outsiders feel very welcomed at times. God knows you make it intimidating even to post. I wont stop coming to the site, but this heavy hand way to speaking to people is a little much.

Loved the “unintentionally filthy dialogue” Shawn was completely in character for Country Night; she was “standing by her man”. 😉 Tammy Wynette or whoever sang that schmaltz song would have been proud!

I found the “biggest disconnect” particularly hysterical: “What is pontoon? Is like U-boat?” ROFL And the Bride’s crimped locks causing the mojo to be off…priceless!

Megan, I’m only going to say this once: it is not your place to comment on how we post. If you don’t like it, we are not making you read it. I’m not going further drag out this silly “is Kelly stupid or can Kelly just not hear” debacle any further, as I feel it’s already compromised what was supposed to be a fun, goofy thread – but if you had paid attention to the exchange, there was more to it than you seem to be acknowledging. Now I suggest you keep you opinions on other posters and the mods to yourself, and stick to just offering your opinions on the show, the pros, the celebs, etc.

It’s mind-boggling to me that people think it’s ok to come in here and take shots at other posters…and then cry foul when we tell them it’s not acceptable. We should not have to put up with people airing their grievances with US when they should just stick to talking about the show.

You said ” I just thought it was a bit uncalled for to call her stupid for something she has no control over, hence why I posted.” And I told you that I had not actually said that. And now you ARE discussing our opinions and how we write. We don’t take kindly to that.

LOVED THIS! ohmygoodness! Brooke’s little talk with Sabrina about being out her season on this week killed me. Like you got nooo heart girl! c’mon. Sabrina’s reacton was BY FAR the best though! lo-lo-loved it

To make fun of Kelly Monaco’s hearing loss is beyond disrespectful. You think calling her ‘stoopid’ because she sometimes mumbles or asks to have something repeated is funny? I suggest the next time you want to poke fun at her ability to hear, why don’t you ask her about how she lost it.