This essay is about why I'm against porn, but since a lot of why I am against
porn is because of my personal experiences with rape, I will first
write about those experiences.

I have experienced rape four times. Two were attempted rapes. Of
these, one involved an ex-boyfriend -someone who'd once said he loved
me. He said he "just wanted to come over to talk," and I
was foolish enough to believe him. Another attempted rape was by a
male acquaintance who had always been very kind and helpful to me
- helped me move, etc. Both tried to force sex with me when I clearly
was not willing. I managed to fight back and protest loudly enough
to stop them.

Two other times I wasn't so lucky, and both of these rapes were successful.
One was by another ex-boyfriend - a 40ish computer programmer and
dance teacher. He was visiting from across the country and asked if
he could stay at my place. I said yes, on the condition that it was
just as friends - no sex involved. He cheerfully agreed. Like my other
ex-boyfriend, he'd once said that he loved me, and had never done
anything to harm me, so I had no reason to doubt him. I let him stay
at my place and he raped me. Physically held me down and forced sex
on me. I pleaded with him to stop and tried to fight back physically,
but was unsuccessful. He was a lot stronger than I was. Later I asked
him why he did that - hadn't he said he was ok with just keeping things
platonic? He looked at me and said, with contempt that I had actually
believed him, "I lied. Besides, you wanted it."

I now realize where he got that idea from: it's what the message
of a lot of porn is - that women exist to service men sexually and
to be used by them for sex, that "no" may mean "yes",
and that women really want to be raped.

Despite these experiences, silly me, I still believed in and trusted
men in general. It seemed inconceivable that anyone could ever seriously
want to harm me. Why would they want to? I have lived my life as a
good person who helps people and would never harm anyone except in
self defense. Surely those experiences were just bizarre exceptions
and I really had nothing serious to fear from men. Well, I was wrong.

Next I trusted someone who said over the phone that he was a businessman
and let him in my house. He turned out to be a 19 year-old criminal,
sought by police, who had committed several armed robberies in the
past few weeks. I greeted him in a cheerful and trusting manner. He
then pulled out a gun, pointed it at me, made it clear he would use
it on me, and robbed me of all the money I had. He then forced me
to perform sexual acts on him before he raped me in more than one
way - all the time with the gun pointed at me, and making it clear
he would use it if I didn't comply. I asked him why he was doing this
to me, and he said proudly that it was what he did for a living. He
was clearly building his resume.

This criminal then planned to take me in my car to my bank's ATM
to take out the maximum amount from my account. He didn't say what
would happen after that, but what typically happens in such situations
is that the criminal takes the victim to a remote location, kills
them, dumps the body and then drives off in the stolen car. I'm sure
you've heard stories like this in the news. It was very clear when
I looked into the eyes of this young man that I was looking into the
face of evil - someone who did not have respect for human life. Robbing,
raping, murdering - it was all a game to him in a way, except it was
one he did for a living. He didn't want to get caught, so he would
not leave a witness behind if he could avoid it.

Well, as it turns out, I didn't own a car. I was saving to buy one.
He didn't have one either, so there went his plan. And here I am -
still alive. He couldn't kill me where I was, as my neighbors would
hear. So he just left, and threatened me with violence if I told what
happened.

Afterwards, he was caught and is now serving a twenty year sentence.
I spent the money I was saving for a car on a really good security
system so I'd be able to sleep and feel safe in my own home. Yet I
was jumpy and haunted by nightmares. This was seven years ago, and
I still jump with fear when startled and feel my heart pound furiously,
and my sleep is still interrupted by nightmares. Needless to say,
it's hard for me to feel really comfortable around a man, whether
it's a friend or a stranger.

So what does being raped have to do with pornography? Everything.

Having learned more than I ever wanted to during the past couple
of years about the current reality of porn, I now realize how so many
men I'd encountered got the ideas they did about sex and women. I
realize why they did the things that they did that seemed so strange
and wrong to me. I realized that so many of them had spent their entire
lives from childhood being indoctrinated by a secret world of porn
that I'd never known. In my naiveté, I thought most porn was
like the Playboy magazines I'd seen when I was a child several decades
ago. I have now discovered that I was not even close.

I had no real idea of the massive industry that has developed and
is saturated with unbelievable objectification, degradation, dehumanization,
as well as outright hatred and glorification of violence and torture
against women and even children.

Now that I look back and connect all the pieces of the puzzle, I
realize that many men have been systematically trained since childhood
by porn and sexist media to look at girls and women as non-human sexual
objects to use and abuse, and of course to rape as well. After all,
rape pornography sends the message that not only is rape FUN and really
EXCITING, but that it has no negative consequences, and that women
really ENJOY being raped, so much that they even orgasm at the end!!!
Of course this is just a pack of lies, just telling men what they
would like to believe.

I learned that by so many years of masturbating to degrading and
often violent sexual images, that a lot of the men that I had encountered
had essentially been programmed to be sexually stimulated by certain
fantasies that they saw in porn, and then sought to act out those
fantasies in real life. I realized that that's what had been happening
to me - when I was raped, and also sometimes when I being sexually
intimate with a boyfriend and they wanted me to do certain things
that I found degrading and unhealthy.

Someone might say that my experiences are exceptional - that no one
should base their opinions on what I have gone through. Well, I used
to think that also, and desperately hoped that my experiences were
indeed very exceptional. Sadly, after having done so much research
from many, many sources (including many people in real life, not just
books), I have to conclude that my experiences are not at all that
unusual, and are that they are becoming more common all the time.
Many women simply never talk about them, and I can certainly understand
that. Who wants to relive one's own experiences in hell over and over
again? Who would want to live their life with the stigma of being
"A Rape Victim"? And who would want to share very personal
traumatic experiences with some people who don't seem to have much
understanding, compassion, or empathy? (Which describes some of the
men I have spoken to about being raped.)

Well, despite it being difficult and unpleasant, I'm sharing my experiences
here because I think it's very important that women speak up about
what they've been through and what they've learned - especially about
porn and how it's affected their lives. Now I can honestly say that
the existence of porn, and being constantly assaulted by various forms
of it in the media, is as hurtful to me as being physically raped
was, if not more so. This is because I feel that my humanity and my
sexuality are being raped by pornography and sexist media EVERY SINGLE
DAY, ALL DAY LONG. When I see porn or sexist media with women portrayed
as less than human, I feel like sulfuric acid is being poured all
over my body and soul. Porn's cruelty just eats away at every part
of me.

It is also clear to me that this attack against the humanity and
sexuality of women is not something that only I am experiencing, but
that it's actually happening to ALL girls and women on this planet,
by virtue of the sick and unsafe environment that it's creating. Porn
is LYING about women, their sexuality, who they are and what they
really want and need. As others have said, porn truly is a war against
women. And if those people that understand the problem don't fight
back, the pornographers will win their war, and more and more women
and girls will continue to be raped, in every way possible.

So that's why I continually speak up about porn and let people know
that it is in no way just a bunch of pictures or videos containing
"harmless fantasies". I regularly speak up publicly and
to the people around me. I also regularly educate myself more about
the subject, so that I can speak as intelligently and articulately
as possible about it. It's important for people to understand the
CONSEQUENCES of the existence and use of porn - especially on women
and children. I don't want the sick horror of what happened to me
to ever happen to anyone else. I feel that if I'm silent about porn,
then I'm part of the problem, and I can't live with the idea that
I'm contributing to such a disgusting menace to society. I think it's
important to be part of the solution instead.

I dream of a world someday where women are safe, respected, and viewed
by all men as WHOLE and VALUABLE people - not sexual objects to be
used and abused, dehumanized and degraded. I intend to keep speaking
up to help accomplish this goal, and I hope others do also.

Are YOU an AntiPorn Star too? Send us your story and maybe we'll publish it here!