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Boner Jams They Won’t See Coming

Woo your beloved via playlist

Ah, Valentine’s Day—that wonderful holiday when your girlfriend seems to forget all the awesome stuff you do for her the rest of the year; your boyfriend frantically struggles to stretch one paycheck into jewelry, exorbitantly priced flowers and that tired yet traditional heart-shaped box of chocolates; and your pals at Hallmark get into some serious high-fiving. Run-on sentences aside, it’s a magical evening that is in no way a corporate trick.

As the night goes on and your champagne/fancy-ass dinners are consumed, you may find yourself feeling amorous. It’s a well-known fact that, after all the needless consumerism and hurt feelings, V-Day is for boning. But what’s a young lover to do when it comes to the soundtrack? While awesome, Marvin Gaye and Al Green tunes have become predictable, and since you seem to recall reading that subtlety goes a long way, you’re thinking you may want a boner jam mix that’s a little more…unique. Read on to discover five songs that are must-haves, and before you know it, you’ll be worming your way into more than just his or her heart.

“Dark Star”

by Beck from The Information

“Dark Star” is a slow jam that would go great as a kickoff to your mix, mostly because the bass-line has a nice feel that seems to say, “Shhh, you can trust me.” Unless you are being a total nimrod, this is your one-way ticket to make-out city. There’s a hint of mystery and exploration hidden within the melodies that can trigger thoughts of the unknown. And thoughts like this are always a welcome addition in the bedroom. There’s an almost primal sexual vibe to the beat, and the slow tempo all but announces that you’re the type of person who will take your time and make sure your partner is well taken care of.

“Beautiful”

by Smashing Pumpkins from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (disc 2)

This song has a steady beat that’s great for…well, you know what. It’s a great example of Billy Corgan and crew’s brief foray into the melding of semi-electronic elements alongside one of the simplest yet most memorable guitar riffs from the world of ’90s alternative rock. Lyrically, “Beautiful” lets your date know that you’re into his or her face while narrowly managing to avoid the cheese. Hell, if George Harrison could pull off one of the best songs of all time with a word as nondescript as “something,” certainly a band that ruled the ’90s can work magic with such a lovely adjective. Regardless, it’s too late for your lover to bail now!

“Kennedy”

by Ratatat from Classics

Ratatat sure knows how to craft an excellently catchy and mind-bogglingly sexy dance jam. “Kennedy” is guaranteed to take your party to the next level and, while you’re at it, kick up the tempo a notch. Yes, patience is a virtue. But there’s always something to be said for knowing when to amp up your shit. The electronics are bumpin’, the bass is thumpin’ and, assuming you’ve inserted this jam in the proper slot within the mix, you’ll probably be humpin’. It also doesn’t hurt that Ratatat brings some hipster cred to your mix, which oughta help out when we consider hipsters are in these days.

“The Garden”

by Mirah from Advisory Committee

Mirah is everything you could ever want from an underground indie rock lady, and “The Garden” fits on your mix for two main reasons. First, it has a steady and hard-hitting tempo that you can zero in on for maximum pleasure (this may just result in a thank-you card the next day). And second, you’ll win points in your daily life for introducing your partner to something that’s not exactly easy to stumble upon. “Thanks for showing me Mirah!” they’ll say. “Now you owe me big time!” you’ll reply.

“Blast Off!”

by Rivers Cuomo from Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo

…know what I’m sayin’? Hahaha! Of course you do. Word.

And the rest is up to you. Just remember to take your time, be mindful of your routine (oh, shut up, we all have them!) and secure a location with a decent set of speakers. Yes, a thoughtful mix is helpful on the road to the bedroom, but you must never forget to be respectful, kind and willing to throw down enough cash on someone that they don’t even care that you’re a full-on troll. Happy V-Day, everybody—and good luck!