Post navigation

I’d Buy That For A Dollar: Trade Deadline Hotties

As the trade deadline nears, the Ladies… are forced to contemplate that tough question that crops up this time each year: what will happen to all the hotties?

So we’re stepping into the shoes of Theo Epstein for the day (naturally, since he’s the hottest GM in the major leagues), and assigning a market value to the hottest ballplayers rumored to be up on the block– based solely on just how smokin’ they are. A cadre of the Ladies… (five to be exact, enough to fill a front office for an All-Hot Team) put the candidates through a rigorous evaluation process, and submitted their valuations- in dollar signs- of the hottest possibilities. After some difficult and lengthy calculations, we’re sharing our scouting report ranking their hottie value.

It’s a hot, hot market out there, and we’re not afraid to spend a pretty penny on a pretty boy. But just how much are each of these ballplayers worth?

*You will find no mention of Aaron Rowand anywhere on this list… because Bacon Pants is not going to be traded. I refuse to contemplate the possibility.

Like this:

Related

About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

48 thoughts on “I’d Buy That For A Dollar: Trade Deadline Hotties”

We need a new catcher. Badly. Would it kill you to get another hot one? He was a prick, but I kinda liked the Kendall era of hot ass behind the plate. Please see my “Fort Fucking Knox” comment and spend accordingly.

Wait..what?!! Where did that Salty guy come from? Fort Fucking Knox might even be too tame. I’m thinking Vatican or British Royal Family type monies for that one.

And although I’ll get cussed out for this, Jon Garland and Paul Konerko need to come over to the Evil Empire. I want them in Bronx pinstripes. (I have a weird affinity for Konerko beyond his hotness because he’s from my hometown originally and my dad went to high school with his dad.)

Ladies, if you have any pull whatsoever, could you please please please help the Angels complete the trade for Mark Teixeira? The Halos and Rangers are supposed to be in serious negotiations for a Kotchman/Saunders/minor leaguer for Tex deal, the hangup being whether the Rangers are going to demand a top prospect (which would kill the deal) or not.

Anything you can do to make this happen for the Angels would most appreciated.

Texeira is hot, huh? Hadn’t considered it. But between him & previously-mentioned Portu-hottie Cristiano Ronaldo, you Ladies… are on your way to proving to me that it’s not just the ladies… of Portugal that are the hottest in Europe.

Ladies… so many… so many thoughts here. I just returned from a (Pirates-sweeping) weekend down the shore of contemplating the glory of having either (or both) Lowry and Saltalamacchia on the Phils, only to find this lovely post. I got a little freaked out when my boy Aaron wasn’t on the list- and then I saw the disclaimer. TexasGal- I have to admit, I was a little worried for him this weekend since they didn’t play him, putting Bourn in for him and saying he was “sore.” I’m hoping he is… and I heard it’s because he was playing with his kids (awww! plus they are soooo cute…) so I hope it’s not really because they’re in the middle of a trade that they won’t talk about yet. But HOW SWEET would it be to take Lowry in place of Bourn?! I mean, Bourn is cool and all- but let’s admit it, he’s no eye candy like Lowry. Not sure how I would feel about DTrain though- he may be a great pitcher but he has open contempt for the club. I dooon’t think that would go over too well in the clubhouse…

And chasevid- the first time I saw Saltalamacchia was the one of the first times he caught for the Braves, and I thought he was the hottest man alive (and then I saw his wife and infant baby and felt a little bad about the thoughts that were going through my head) but then I realized that he was a BRAVE and I felt like the woooorssttt fann eeverrr. Also also, I think the Myers- Lidge resemblance is totally there. Big chin, similar orange facial hair- separated at birth?

And umm, just because I’m too lazy to research this, can anyone update me on Noah Lowry’s marital status? Thanks loves :)

I must end this by saying that if Greg Dobbs gets traded my life will end. That will be all for this evening.

Mal- Aaron tweaked his shoulder on Thursday playing tag with his kids. No joke. He was back in the lineup today, and did awesome, as always. And I would take a Lowry-Bourn trade any day of the week and twice on Sunday- not only because he’s hot, but because we desperately need pitching. And Noah Lowry is single and presumably ready to mingle.

Stu- Tex is indeed from Portuguese ancestry (partial, at least)– but was born and raised in Maryland (outside Baltimore, I think).

It’s ridiculously easy to hurt yourself playing with your kids. They have no native caution. I had to call a temporary halt to carrying my son on my shoulders because I could no longer lift my arms above my head at one point.

Mal, I’m glad you feel my pain re: Salt…! I mean, SO PRETTY and I really do love the name but yeah, definitely shouldn’t be thinking certain things about certain married men (Chase Utley, what what?)…And yes. He WAS a Brave but from what I understand…not anymore! So he’s not a Phillie (booooo) but…he’s not a Brave anymore either, so we can ogle freely now. I felt the same about D-Wright when I first started noticing him…BUT HE’S A MET!!! And for a moment, I thought I was going crazy re: Lidge/Myers.

I don’t know how much longer Dobbs is going to be with us, I’m afraid to say. I don’t know that they’ll trade him now, but I feel like he’s only going to be with us for one season…and that’s just an awful feeling.

As for Douche-train..NO THANK YOU. That’s all I have to say about that (that’s suitable for young audiences, I should say).

Even as much as we’ve talked about the Salty trade probabilities, it’s still weird that he’s going to Texas. Because I dislike the Braves, but the Phillies play them a ton (Cubs as well, too), so it’s always nice to have that scenery around — and we won’t get to enjoy the scenery near as much when it’s all the way in Texas.