“And where would a giant nerd be? The *liberry!*”

A perplexing observation.

Dear the bearded shirtless man (a.k.a., the patriarchal figure (presumably) of the Next Doors),

By all accounts, it is still October. When I left this morning, barely beating out the sunrise, it was approximately thirty degrees, not even counting windchill. I was wearing multiple layers and a winter coat. You were… not. You were, at seven in the morning, in October, in the Northeast, sitting on your porch, as bearded and shirtless as ever. I appreciate that you bustled indoors once you heard me emerging from the safe cocoon that was my warm (oh so warm) abode, but it did not spare me the image of your vast, fleshy, perplexingly naked back shuffling off.

Does the beard keep you warm in the winter? Is that it? You don’t need all of those flashy Halloween decorations you put up circa-September. When the small children approach your house tonight seeking candy, they’ll see you and be frightened enough.