- Am l doing it right? - You don't have to be quite so gentle.
- Tell me again. - Tell you about what?
- About the stem bolts. - l have 100 gross
of self-sealing stem bolts
sitting in cargo bay 11 .
- And they're all mine? - For only 10 bars of latinum.
Quark, you don't know what this means to me.
- Or to me! - Those bolts could triple production
of my family's reverse-ratcheting routing planners.
Glad to be of help.
Quark, l can't wait any longer.
Why don't you and l go down to cargo bay 11
and...sign the contract?
No rush. Your family's ship won't be here for a week.
We'll have plenty of time to finalise the deal before then.
That's an unusual attitude for a Ferengi.
l'm a very unusual Ferengi.
That must be the Saurian brandy l ordered.
Enter.
Rom, where's my brandy?
Forget the brandy. You must leave immediately.
That goes for the female as well.
- ls something wrong? - Nothing.
Have you lost your mind?
She's willing, she's wealthy, and she wants to buy our stem bolts.
lt must wait. Something important has come up.
Right now, nothing is more important than this.
- Grand Nagus Zek. - As big as life.
Go. Go!
What does Zek want with me?
Looks like he's moving in with you, brother.
- Sisko to Bashir. - This is Bashir.
Report to the wardroom immediately.
On my way.
- What's this? - Champagne.
- Congratulations, Doctor. - Thank you.
What's going on?
The Medical Council's nominees
for this year's Carrington Award are...
Dr April Wade of the University of Nairobi,
Healer Senva of the Vulcan Medical lnstitute,
Dr Henri Roget of the Central Hospital of Altair lV,
Chirurgeon Ghee P'Trell of Andoria,
and Dr Julian Bashir,
Chief Medical Officer of Starbase Deep Space 9.
Good luck.
lt's a mistake. My name wasn't even up for consideration.
lt was. l submitted it through a friend of Curzon's.
You deserve it. Your work on replication
was both audacious and groundbreaking.
According to Dax anyway.
She's the only one who understands it.
So how does it feel to be the youngest nominee
in the history of the Carrington award?
lt feels...good.
Excuse me...
l've got to finish some work.
What exactly is it you want me to say?
That you're thrilled beyond belief to be nominated
for the Federation's most prestigious medical award.
- Believe me, l am honoured. - You're not acting like it.
l don't want everyone to make a big deal out of it.
lt is a big deal. We're all proud of you.
l'm glad, but don't agonise over the board's decision,
- l assure you l'm not going to win. - You don't know that.
- Your work deserves to be recognised. - This isn't about my work.
What's the life expectancy of a Carrington Award winner?
Five years. Ten at the very best. And why?
Because it's awarded as an achievement for a lifetime in medicine.
April Wade is 106. Her nomination three years ago was said to be premature.
- You're exaggerating. - Maybe a little.
But in truth, l'm too young to be a serious contender for the Carrington.
Now, nominate me in 70 years, and l promise that l'll get very excited.
But until then, l won't give it much thought.
- That's a very mature attitude. - You sound surprised.
- Astonished, but impressed. - Then we don't have to dwell on this?
- l won't mention it again. - l appreciate that.
Who's going to win, Wade or P'Trell?
A cup of millipede juice... hold the shells.
Rom?
Rom! Rom!
Did you call me?
ls it too much trouble to put these empty bottles in the replicator?
- Cleaning my quarters is Nog's job. - Nog is visiting his grandmother.
Then cleaning can wait until he gets back.
No. Until the Nagus gives me back my own quarters, this is my home too.
And l've had enough of this mess.
- Clean it up now! - l won't.
Yes, you will.
lt's bad enough putting up with your constant teeth grinding every night,
and your incessant ear-picking.
But l will not tolerate living like some Pakled refuge merchant...
Wait a minute.
This is a bottle of Aldebaran whiskey.
Let me, brother.
l recognise this label. This is from my private stock.
- No, it's not. - lt most certainly is.
Wait a minute. What's that over there?
Trixian bubble juice?
Nog's favourite.
This came from my stockroom, didn't it?
Are you accusing my son of being a thief?
No... l'm accusing you
of being a thief.
These table linens. This chair. That table.
Everything in here comes from my bar.
- Not everything. - Once you've cleaned up,
l'm going to conduct a complete inventory
and find out exactly what you've stolen from me.
- Now get to work. - No!
l refuse.
l work for you all day, but here, l'm the boss.
lf you want this place cleaned up, do it yourself.
What l want is my own quarters back.
That makes two of us.
Living with you was bad enough as children.
What do l do?
- You think. - What do you mean, l think?
You stay up late plotting and scheming.
And when you think, you mumble.
lf there's anything l can't stand, it's listening to you mumble.
That does it.
l've been accommodating long enough.
lf the Nagus wants to stay on the station,
he must find someplace else to live.
ls this a good idea? lf the Nagus is working something important,
disturbing him might get him angry.
l'm not going to disturb him.
- You are. - Me? Why not you?
Zek likes me. So l cannot afford to get on his bad side.
On the other hand, he barely acknowledges your existence.
So you have nothing to lose.
Now, get in there and tell the Nagus he'll have to leave.
And whatever happens, don't let Maihar'du intimidate you.
- Where are you going? - Don't worry.
lf you need me, l'll be close by.
Rom! What can l do for you my boy?
Grand Nagus, forgive me for disturbing you.
Who's disturbed? l've been hoping someone would drop by.
- Now, come right in. - Thank you. We'd be delighted.
Quark.
l knew you'd be lurking around here somewhere.
What are we standing out here for?
l've got something very exciting to show you both.
Where's my furniture?
l got rid of it. lt was getting in the way of my work.
And what work was that, Grand Nagus?
lf l may be so bold?
l'm glad you asked.
Maihar'du...
the book.
You're about to read the shining triumph of my life.
The one thing l'll always be remembered for.
- May l? - By all means.
''The Rules of Acquisition, Revised for the Modern Ferengi.''
You rewrote the Rules of Acquisition?
l hope you like them. Absorb...
enjoy...
Rom, do you know what this means?
Yes. lt means we're going to have to memorise a whole new set of Rules.
No, you idiot.
lt means we'll be the first Ferengi to benefit from Zek's wisdom.
The knowledge contained in this book
could make us both rich beyond our wildest dreams.
l'll be able to go into business for myself.
Turn the page, turn the page.
- The first Rule of Acquisition is... - Go on.
- lf they want their money back... - Yes, yes.
- ...give it to them. - lf they want their money back...
give it to them?
Rule number 21 :
''Never place profit before friendship.''
Rule number 22 : ''Latinum tarnishes,
but family is forever.''
Rule 23:
''Money can never replace dignity.''
Skip to the end.
What is it?
- You're not going to like it. - l can take it. Tell me.
Rule number 285:
''A good deed is its own reward.''
Brother, are you all right?
l...just have to sit down.
- No... Take it away. - Sorry.
Got to think. Got to think.
There has to be an explanation, a reason for why he's doing this.
- Maybe we should ask him. - No!
Don't you see? He's testing us.
Yes. That must be it.
lt's some kind of test.
The book...the book.
- You want to hear more? - No, but there must be a code.
Read me the first word of every Rule.
lf...never...keep...
profit...a...
good...smile...
honesty.
lf never keep profit a good smile honesty.
- What does it mean, Brother? - lt means...
...absolutely nothing.
Maybe if we hold the pages up to the light.
No, no.
No, that is not it.
The answer must be right in front of us.
l know.
- Maybe the Nagus has gone insane. - Nonsense.
He's the most brilliant Ferengi alive. l've modelled my life after him.
Don't ever let me hear you speak that way about him again.
What if he really believes this?
How could he believe this insanity? No.
lt has to be part of some brilliant, twisted, devious plan.
The Nagus isn't like you and me, Rom.
He thinks ten, sometimes twenty, steps ahead.
These Rules are probably the key component in some vast plot
to seize financial control of the entire quadrant.
So what do we do?
The only thing we can do.
We put down this book...
and we walk away.
When the Nagus feels ready, he'll inform us of his plans.
But until then, we have to act as if we know nothing.
l can do that.
''lf never keep profit a good smile honesty.''
- Nah. - Quark, my boy!
What say we buy everyone a drink? Put it on my tab.
- But why? - Because it will make everyone happy.
And that will make me happy.
lt must be part of his plan - wheels within wheels.
Drinks for everyone. Compliments of the Grand Nagus.
ls there anything else l can get you, Nagus?
We just got in a shipment of quality Hupyrian beetle snuff.
l've lost my taste for beetle snuff.
lt might be fun for you and me,
but it's no fun for the beetles.
By the way, Quark,
l just met the most lovely young female.
She came by your quarters, looking for you.
- Was her name Emi? - She wanted me to tell you
that her family's ship has arrived with the latinum.
lt's about time.
We're finally going to get rid of those stem bolts.
- l don't think so. - But we have a contract.
Which was never signed.
And frankly, you were charging an outrageous price for those stem bolts.
She didn't seem to think so.
- She did once l explained it. - You what?
l couldn't let you take advantage of an innocent young female like that.
So l told her where she could get all the stem bolts she needed at wholesale.
Wholesale?
He told her where to get them at wholesale.
What am l going to do with a hundred gross of stem bolts?
- My poor brother. - Don't worry about him.
Eventually, he'll sell those stem bolts...
at a fair price.
A fair price? l'm very confused.
That's understandable.
lt will take some time to get used to the new ways.
- New ways? - Walk with me, Rom.
Your turn.
l don't know about this.
Would you rather play racquetball?
Since Keiko's been on Bajor,
we've played 1 06 games of racquetball.
So throw a dart.
- l'm a bit rusty. - So am l.
l guess the smart money is on Wade or P'Trell.
That seems to be the general consensus.
l mean, Dr Wade is very popular.
But P'Trell is doing some amazing work in gerontological research.
Which one do you think will win?
Either of them would be a worthy recipient of the Carrington.
Of course, if l had my druthers, the award would go to you.
Thank you.
But let's face it.
You don't stand a chance.
You don't say.
l mean, l know you are talented...
but l bet there're doctors all over the Federation saying,
''Julian Bashir? Who the hell is he?''
Chief, you are absolutely right.
l'm glad you agree.
So...
how much longer is Keiko going to be on Bajor?
Make sure the relief shipment is sent by high warp courier,
and don't worry about the cost.
Rom, what's all this?
You're looking at the sector headquarters
for the Ferengi Benevolent Association.
Brother, l don't have time to talk to you, l have work to do.
l'm the new senior administrator of the Ferengi Benevolent Association.
l never realised how many people there are
- who could use a little help. - lf you don't get down to the bar now,
you're the one going to need a little help.
- The Nagus said you'd react like this. - He's a smart man.
He has plans, and l'm going to be a part of them.
What could the Nagus possibly want with you?
He says l'm malleable.
And he's going to mould me into a new kind of Ferengi.
- An evolved Ferengi. - Evolved into what?
l'm not sure, exactly.
The Nagus says that the answers lie in his new Rules of Acquisition.
He told me, ''Rom, it's time for the Ferengi to move beyond greed.''
Beyond greed? There's nothing beyond greed.
Greed is the purest, most noble of emotions.
''Greed is dead.'' That's the tenth Rule of Acquisition.
No it's not. The tenth Rule of Acquisition
- is ''Greed is eternal''. - Not anymore.
The Nagus is going to shake the very foundation of Ferengi society,
and we're going to be at his side every step of the way.
What do you mean, ''we''?
The Nagus has made you co-chairman of the Benevolent Association.
Your name will figure prominently on all our correspondence.
He never mentioned that to me.
The Nagus wouldn't dream of excluding you.
As soon as we get the Benevolent Association established here,
the Nagus plans on returning to the homeworld.
And we'll go with him. Think of it.
You and l will be there
when Zek personally announces the ''New Rules of Acquisition''
on the Grand Steps of the Sacred Marketplace.
We'll be there all right.
And we'll probably be right alongside him
when they throw him from the spire of the Tower of Commerce.
The Tower of Commerce?
But that's the tallest building in the Ferengi Alliance.
A fall from that height could...could...
Exactly.
Don't you see, Rom.
There is something terribly wrong with the Nagus.
And we have to help him...
before he gets us all killed.
That tickles.
l must say, for a Ferengi of your age you're in excellent health.
Aside from some damage to your mucous membranes.
- You should stop using beetle snuff. - As a matter of fact, l already have.
- l'm glad to hear it. - Will you go in for exploratory surgery?
Why would l do that?
- To find out what's wrong with him. - There is nothing.
There's something deeply wrong. Find out what it is.
l've done every test l can think of.
There's no trauma, brain damage, mental illness.
His central nervous system is working within normal parameters,
and his endocrine system is in terrific shape.
You see, l told you.
They are like a couple of nervous investors - always looking for trouble.
Oh, well. l suppose l should be flattered.
Thank you, Doctor. You've been very helpful.
No. Uh-uh.
He's sick, l tell you.
- You have to perform more tests. - Get out of here
or l'll perform more tests on you.
- You have to do something. - Like what?
Put him in stasis until you can figure out what is wrong with him.
l don't think that's necessary.
You're supposed to be one of the five best doctors?
lf you ask me, you're a quack.
No wonder everyone says you don't have a chance to win the Carrington.
Let's go. Maybe we can make an appointment for you to see Dr Wade.
Good luck. lf l remember correctly,
Nairobi is beautiful this time of year.
Here, Doctor. For your trouble.
- l can't accept that. - Why not? lt's only money.
Donate it to charity if you'd like.
And you say he's not sick.
Doctor, l do hope you'll attend tomorrow night's ceremony.
- Ceremony? - At the Bajoran shrine.
l intend to give a gift to the Bajoran people.
- A gift. What kind of gift? - lt's a surprise.
You'll find out tomorrow night like everyone else.
We have a lot of work to do before then.
So many needy people, so little time.
Aren't you done yet?
Breaking into the Nagus's personal shuttle seems wrong.
l have to know what he intends to give to the Bajorans.
But the Nagus wants it to be a surprise.
l hate surprises. Hurry it up before some...
Maihar'du... As you can see,
my brother and l were repairing the door locks on the Nagus's...
This is the gift?
What is it?
lt's one of the missing Bajoran Orbs, Rom.
An Orb of the Prophets.
l tell you, this Orb explains everything.
Zek's behaviour, the new Rules,
the Ferengi Benevolent Association... everything.
lt does? How?
l'm not sure. But l'm going to find out.
Don't just stand there. Talk to me.
l know how you feel.
What are you doing?
l thought we should look inside...
We don't know for certain if there's an orb in here.
- Maybe Zek's just giving them the box. - Don't be ridiculous.
- But how will we know unless we look? - lt's too dangerous.
- But brother... - l said leave it alone.
Rom? Maihar'du? Morn?
Anybody?
What's the matter, Quark? Spinning out of control, are we?
Grand Nagus?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Looking for answers?
You couldn't find them if they were dangling from your lobes.
Where's that old Quark cleverness l've heard so much about?
Or are you so paralysed with fear
that you can't think straight?
Answer me, Quark. What are you so nervous about?
Don't you think change is worth dying for?
All l want is a little...
leap of faith.
Nice catch.
That's the wonderful thing about mysteries.
Sometimes the answers just fall from the sky.
What do you have to lose? Open it.
Consider it a gift.
Yes! Yes!
- Are you all right? - A gift.
Zek said the New Rules were a gift.
A gift from Zek to the Ferengi people.
No. A gift to Zek from them.
They put the idea for the New Rules in Zek's head.
- They changed him somehow. - They did? How dare they?
Who are we talking about, brother?
The Prophets. The aliens that live inside the wormhole.
They did this to him, didn't they? Tell me everything.
Easy, brother.
You know Hupyrian servants take a vow only to speak to their masters.
You're right. Give him a handkerchief or something.
l'm going to try to break into Zek's personal logs.
According to Zek's logs,
he obtained the Orb from one of his contacts on Cardassia lll.
From there, he headed straight for the wormhole.
His ship's log shows that he entered the wormhole,
stayed inside for only a few minutes,
then reversed course and came here.
You think he went in there to talk to the Prophets?
ln his personal logs, Zek said...
that the future...
was looking very bright indeed.
Don't you get it?
According to Dax, the wormhole aliens can see through time.
The Nagus must have thought he could convince them to let him see the future.
That way he could anticipate economic changes throughout the galaxy.
The opportunity for profit would have been enormous.
But instead he created the New Rules of Acquisition. Why?
Something must've gone terribly wrong.
But l intend to set it right.
- How, brother? - l have an idea.
- Does it involve me? - Not really.
l like it.
- May l join you, Doctor? - By all means.
And what can l do for you?
lt's what l can do for you.
l have a friend at Starfleet lntelligence.
And she has a friend who has a cousin who's married
to the assistant of one of the members
of the Federation Medical Council.
- Really? - And according to my friend,
her friend heard something from his cousin
that his wife heard from the council member
that l thought you might find interesting.
Which is?
Dr Wade is not going to win the Carrington.
Not you too.
Doctor, l thought you'd be delighted.
Even if that is true, and l'm not saying it is,
the only one that has reason to celebrate is Ghee P'Trell.
Perhaps. But P'Trell is by no means as popular as Dr Wade.
According to your friend.
Actually, according to my friend's friend's...
l get the picture.
lf it isn't going to be Wade, it could be anyone.
P'Trell, Senva, Roget...even you.
l didn't think l was going to win before.
- And l don't think l'm going to win now. - ls that a fact? Then...
why have you been working on your acceptance speech?
- How did you know? - Just a guess.
My goodness, l never knew solar flares could be
so devastating to a planet's agriculture.
Let me see, at current market rates
two thousand tons of Kohlanese barley would cost me
1 89 bars of gold press latinum... but it's worth it.
l can have the first shipment of barley on the way to you in...
Hold on. l'll be right back.
How can l help you, boys?
Wait. l have to be sure that he's all right.
Grand Nagus, can you hear me? Are you OK?
Don't worry, Quark. l forgive you.
Did you hear that?
We have to help him.
Brother, you're very brave to take the Nagus back to the wormhole.
l wish l could come with you, but l can't. Goodbye.
Go on. Get out of here, before you have me crying too.
Get out of here.
Don't worry. Everything is going to be OK.
You know, my boy, l should be very angry with you...
- Are you? - Not in the slightest.
l can't help myself. l like you.
Now, where have you taken me?
lnto the wormhole.
What's going on?
This is exactly what happened the last time l was in here.
The wormhole aliens are delightful people,
but they like their privacy.
So you did meet them. How did you make contact?
l see you've brought the Orb of Wisdom with you.
That should do the trick. lf you really want to get their attention,
open the box. That's what l did.
Sounds simple enough.
You'd better hurry.
l got the dampening field on this ship for a substantial discount.
Hello?
Hello? ls anyone there?
lt is corporeal...
Doctor? What are you doing in here?
A physical entity...
Not another one.
l get it. You're the wormhole aliens?
Or would you rather be called the Prophets?
l never could figure that one out.
Did the Sisko send you?
What? Sisko?
What does he have to do with anything?
The Sisko taught us about corporeal life forms.
About linguistic communication.
- And linear time. - He's quite a guy.
- But l'm not here to talk about Sisko. - Why are you here?
l'm here to talk about the Nagus.
The Nagus?
The other Ferengi who visited you. The one who brought the Orb.
We are aware of the Zek.
He came to see you to learn about the future.
The Zek wanted to know the outcome of the game before it was played.
That's right. So what went wrong?
At first we did not understand the Zek's request.
The Sisko said that corporeal beings value their linear existence.
The Zek wanted to understand events
outside the restrictions of linear time.
He wanted to see the future so he could gain by it.
Yes. The Zek explained the value of gain.
How more is preferable to less.
- He taught you about profit. - We found the concept... aggressive.
- Adversarial. - Dangerous.
We could not comprehend how
any species could lead such a barren existence.
lt has its advantages.
We do not agree. We found the Zek's adversarial nature...
invasive...threatening.
We examined your species' history... the totality of your existence.
We discovered that you have not always been as you are now.
We haven't?
There was a time when your peoples' acquiring nature
was not so...pronounced.
Wait a second.
Are you telling me that you somehow... de-evolved the Nagus?
We restored the Zek to an earlier,
less adversarial state of existence.
You can't do that.
The Nagus is the financial leader of billions of Ferengi.
l demand that you re-evolve him immediately.
This one is adversarial too.
Aggressive. lntrusive.
We should do to this one what we did to the other -
restore it to a purer existence.
Counteract its adversarial nature.
Wait. Let's not be hasty.
There's nothing wrong with acquiring profit.
- That is what the Zek said. - He was right.
l don't know about you people,
but us corporeal whatevers have certain things in common.
And one of those things is...
The need to improve ourselves.
Our ambition to improve ourselves motivates everything we do.
Without ambition, without, dare l say it...
greed, people would lie around all day doing nothing.
They wouldn't work, they wouldn't bathe,
they wouldn't even eat.
They'd starve to death. ls that what you want?
Are you so isolated and detached
that you would sit back
and allow the extinction of every corporeal being in the galaxy?
Your argument is specious.
Changing you will not result in the termination of all corporeal existence.
All right, so maybe l exaggerated a little.
We should alter this one and return it to its own species.
Agreed. lt is best to avoid contact with this species.
Wait. lf you don't want any more contact with the Ferengi, that's fine,
but by altering me, you won't be avoiding contact,
you'll be encouraging it.
My people are very inquisitive.
lf you change me, they'll want to know what happened.
And they'll come here to find out.
Just as l came to find out what happened to Zek.
That is linear.
And potentially very annoying to you. But...
on the other hand, if you leave me alone,
and put the Nagus back the way he was when you met him,
l guarantee that you'll never have to talk to another Ferengi again.
So what do you say?
Linguistic communication is tiresome.
My point exactly. Which is why l think you should send me back...
Quark. Quark.
Quark, are you all right?
l think so. What about you?
Stop toadying up to me, Quark.
lt's revolting. Just get me out of here.
- l have an Orb to sell to the Bajorans. - Did you say sell?
l'm going to make them pay through the nose.
And speaking of noses, where's my beetle snuff?
Oh, Nagus. You're back. l'm so happy.
- You're wrinkling my suit! - Whatever you say.
And now, it is with great pride, that l present the nominees
for this year's Carrington Award. They are:
Dr April Wade, Senva of Vulcan,
Dr Henri Roget, Chirurgeon Ghee P'Trell,
and Dr Julian Bashir.
And the winner is...
Dr Henri Roget.
- Roget? - How could they give it to Roget?
- Better luck next time. - Maybe...in 40 or 50 years.
Julian.
Sorry.
- You should have won. - Next time.
You seem to be handling this well.
Believe me...
l'm not.
l didn't think so.
Remember what l said, Quark.
lf anyone asks, you have no idea what happened to the charity money.
- You can count on me. - Are you sure you destroyed
every last copy of the revised Rules of Acquisition?
The only place the new Rules exist is inside my head.
Head?
Don't worry. Within a week
- he'll have forgotten them all. - He'd better.
l don't believe it, brother.
After all you did for the Nagus, he never even thanked you.
He doesn't have to thank me. He's the Nagus.
There's only one thing that bothers me.
l was honoured to help the Nagus,
but it would have been nice to make a profit for my troubles.
l made enough profit for the both of us.
- What are you talking about? - The Ferengi Benevolent Association.
Did you know it was funded with Zek's personal fortune?
l was the senior administrator, brother.
You embezzled money from the Nagus?
Surprise.
Father would be proud.