The Savage Animal 12.05.12 The Tao of John Mayer

It’s been said, foretold, and joked that the world is going “end” on December 21st, 2012. The whole thing is that the Mayan calendar end’s its last cycle that day. Let’s get this all out of the way… Mayans did not invent the concept of time or it’s “day” measurement. They carried on with it, but it wasn’t theirs to begin with. Even if you want to buy into their mythical powers then let’s include the “leap day” issue. Caesar created leap day in 45BC. This means we’ve had 524 EXTRA days compared to what the Mayans were expecting. There is probably a simple answer to why they didn’t keep going, but does it matter? Who the hell were the Mayans? They were pretty smart and had some awesome innovation, but let’s be fair. Wouldn’t a Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, or even a John Madden be more qualified to answer this stuff? These men are geniuses in fields that the Mayans couldn’t even dream of dreaming of. They had no logical way to decipher what will happen in the future. If they did don’t you think they would have lasted longer themselves? Fake. Fake. Fake At least in professional wrestling you’re getting to see someone fall and take a move. This is all a big illusion and distraction.

The problem is that people are dumb. On one hand there are those who are skeptical about it and worried. The other hand sees those who “embrace it”. My issue is the distraction. The day will come and go and then why? All of those “end of the world” talks, jokes, and parties are going to be a joke. Remember the whole “Y2K” thing? The fear mongers were scaring dumb people into paying people to “update their computer”, going out and buying extra batteries and water, and really just buying into it. I’m not angry, I’m sad. It’s sad that people can be that dumb, that naive, and that sad.

A group of dumb people buying into a conspiracy theory does not give you the excuse to party it up. This is not the time to pull out the “YOLO” shirts and go for the credit card limits. Put away your party hats and don’t think you don’t still have to buy Christmas presents. Christmas or whatever your December holiday is coming up and then we have New Year’s. There is plenty more drinking to do…

THE TAO OF JOHN MAYER

The Legend.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again… John Mayer is metal! He doesn’t get half the credit he deserves. He’s one of the best blues rockers out there, but it’s a genre that just doesn’t get that much cross over. He’s not singing to an auto-tune with shitty dancers and he’s not playing paint-by-numbers Nickelback rock ballads. He still manages to cross the line into the mainstream because he’s THAT good.

He is one of the best guitar players alive. He brings the soul to the strings and unleashes some really solid stuff. It’s not hard rock guitar solos and he’s in the wrong era at the wrong time so guys like him and guys like Prince are brushed to the side for the Eddie Van Halen’s and the Zack Wylde’s. Both of those guys are great, but it’s silly to subjectively say either is “better” than anyone. I’m just saying John Mayer needs to be brought up in these discussions more.

He seems like he’s a cool enough guy. He might say something awkward or weird sometimes, but I think it’s because of how much he appreciates humor and comedy. He didn’t quite have a Michael Richards moment, but he came close. It was painful and he should feel bad, but it seemed like a “carried away” problem more than a “vicious attack” thing. It still sucks.

The thing most people seem to talk about is his illustrious love life. Despite all of the good things I’ve said about him, his relationships get him tons of tabloid attention and pretty much his own TMZ crew.

I’m not going to hate on the guy. He lives, he loves, and I would think is having a great time experiencing life. One of the experiences he’s gotten is to hook up with some really famous and known performers.

Today I’m going to take a look at the known females he has been “linked with” and figure out who is the most talented of “The Mayer Girls”. It would be easy to judge them based on their looks, but I’m going to go with musical talent (or lack thereof)!

TOP 5 “MAYER GIRLS” OF NON-MUSIC!
Again, I’m going to attempt to be objective about the skill level.

—–[5 : Minka Kelly]
This didn’t last long, but this up and coming actress and Mater were together in 2007.

—–[4 : Rashida Jones]
It was denied so it might not be true. It’s still “Ann” from “Parks & Rec” so it’s worth noting!

—–[3 : Cameron Diaz]
These two “hung out” together in 2007.

—–[2 : Renee Zellweger]
They had a few dates and it was said to be “not serious”.

—–[1 : Jennifer Aniston]
These two were on-and-off from 2008 to 2009. She is now engaged to Justin Theroux so I think Mayer missed out on this one.

TOP 7 “MAYER GIRLS” OF MUSIC!—–[7 : Taylor Swift]
Timeline : 2009
Accomplishments : Kanye West Interrupting Her On An Award Show
I’ve listened with an open mind and really wanted to be fair. I think I have but the truth is that I just don’t find value in Taylor Swift’s music. It’s like she dates someone and then once she gets her heart broken she writes a song about it. It’s not like she’s using the emotion to create a relatable metaphor. She is writing songs called “Dear John”. How is THAT not considered “kiss and tell” behavior? I’m not saying John Mayer is a saint, but its tit for tat. What do they say about “two wrongs” again? Mayer heard the song detailing his “dark twisted games” and told Rolling Stone he “felt terrible” when he heard it. I felt terrible when I heard it too… and it wasn’t even about me.—–[6 : Holly Williams]
Timeline : 2002
Accomplishments : Daughter of Hank Williams Jr.
This was before John Mayer had his huge break out. At this point he was dating the granddaughter of legendary country singer Hank Williams Sr. and daughter of legendary country singer Hank Williams Jr. She has done well on her own, but is still without the huge break out hit. She has mentioned her relationship with Mayer in passing. “I fell in love with him for a couple of weeks like every other girl who sees him play guitar.”—–[5 : Jessica Simpson]
Timeline : 2006/2007
Accomplishments : 30 Million Albums Sold, Numerous Hits, Hit Reality Show
This very well may be the relationship that got John Mayer the most attention. That says a lot because he’s been “linked” to a few of the hottest A-listers. In 2006 they got together after Jessica got divorced from Nick Lachey. They were “on and off” through 2007 and had a lot of tabloid love. A while after, when John and Jennifer Anniston broke up, he went on Howard Stern and let loose with private information. This was when he legendarily proclaimed that he was sexually addicted to her and that “It was like napalm, sexual napalm”. It’s a great quote, but that doesn’t make me appreciate Simpson’s music any more.—–[4 : Colbie Caillat]
Timeline : 2009
Accomplishments : Two Grammys, Rejected by American Idol, MySpace Star
Up until today I had never knew who this performer is. That is how unimpressed I am with the people I’ve listed already. It turns out Colbie has a pretty okay backstory and a nice voice. Colbie Caillat didn’t quite make a name for herself via selling out like a lot of others. She was rejected by American Idol but achieved tons of fame and success thanks to her huge rise on MySpace. Yes… MySpace! She got to work with Taylor Swift and tour with Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls, and then John Mayer. These two got along well and were going to do some collaborations and duets. If they did record together it was never released. —–[3 : Miley Cyrus]
Timeline : 2011
Accomplishments : Number One Albums, Hit Disney Show, Golden Globe Nomination
It wasn’t as high profile, but this one is worth the mention. Mayer gets a girl fifteen years younger than him too? Apparently. This seems like it was all a passing story. At the 2011Grammy Awards it was said that Miley Cyrus and John Mayer shared a kiss. To top it off she supposedly slapped his ass. It could have been a playful one-off between two entertainment friends, but there may have been other times their paths crossed. In 2009 Miley posted on her Twitter that she would like a man like John. Maybe she got it?—–[2 : Katy Perry]
Timeline : 2012
Accomplishments : Numerous Top 10 hits, 8 Grammy Nominations,
I’ve had a discussion recently that spawned this whole thing. The census, well at least between two people, was that Katy Perry is more “interesting” than the other popstars that Mayer has hooked up with. This is the most recent of the John Mayer relationships. Katy Perry is fresh off her marriage to Russell Brand and is soon spotted with Mayer. They’ve been seen together and all of the hoopla has been around now for a few months. No one seems to care to hide it so it’s safe to assume it’s “official”. One day they’re together on TMZ, the next day they’re not. It’s the same ol’ same ol’ really. —–[1 : Vanessa Carlton]
Timeline : 2002
Accomplishments : Hit single “A Thousand Miles”, School of American Ballet grad, Platinum Record
Since this list is subject, I’m going with the female singer that’s NOT withheld in the disposable “pop” genre. She’s proclaimed herself a “proud bisexual” in 2010. Eight years before that she was hooked up with Mr. Mayer. This was John Mayer’s first “famous girlfriend”. Both of these young performers were just coming out around this point. She had that hit single “A Thousand Miles”, which featured her singing a rather pleasant pop rock ballad. The song was huge and she was on her way to big things. Mayer and her dated for about a year during this time. It wouldn’t last for too long, but the laid back rock vibe of these two made for a cool combo. He would move on from her and she would move on from the mainstream to being an indie-cred darling.

Who do YOU think is the most talented of “The Mayer Girls”?

“HIGH SCHOOL”

High School is a stoner comedy. By that simple description you should know what you’re getting into. This movie came out earlier this summer and it seems no one is talking about it. If there is, it’s just not enough. The plot revolves around a nerdy high school valedictorian who smokes weed for the first time. Of course this has a domino effect that leads to a random drug test and his college scholarship being on the line. His big idea is to get the entire student body stoned to get all of the drug tests in the school thrown out. It’s a crazy idea, but the movie doesn’t attempt sanity all that much to begin with. The valedictorian is played by Matt Bush. He has popped up in a lot of movies in a lot of cool roles. He carries the movie well. He is a cross between Ralph Macchio and John Cusack. He’s got that “every day guy” thing down pact. His stoner friend is played by Sean Marquette. He’s been in some cool movies, but this has to be his biggest role. At first I didn’t know what to make of him. The stoner friend role in these lower budget stoner movies are typically loud, obnoxious, abrasive, gives bad advice, and is always the fat or chubby guy. Marquette balances on this line, but has a natural charisma that made him likeable and a good contributor to the story. Colin Hanks is in this too! He’s a teacher who is cool enough, but goes off the deep end once he gets stoned via brownie. It was really fun to see him in a supporting role like this. The real story here is the guy the movie clings onto with the “Starring” portion of their promo. Adrien Brody! I’ve been a fan of this guy for as long as I’ve been exposed to him. He is an interesting guy who finds interesting movies and puts out interesting performances. If it’s riding a train in a Wes Anderson movie or having “relations” with an alien, Adrien Brody is just one of those guys who are fun to watch. I think it’s one of those situations where the viewer enjoys it because you can tell the performer enjoys it. In this movie he plays “Psycho Ed”, a CRAZY drug dealer. It’s hard to describe this character. He is over the top hilarious but unsettlingly volatile. I would watch a movie just following that character around to see his antics. There is a scene where he and his two friends, Mykelti Williamson and Andrew Wilson, get into a car accident. The set up involved with this scene and the delivery made me laugh most during this movie. I liked it a lot, but it’s not perfect. I’ve grown to really like Michael Chiklis over the years. He seems like a cool guy, but his odd character work as “the Principal” didn’t work for me. The tone of the character just didn’t match the rest of the movie. As out there as Brody’s character was, it still flowed. Whenever Chiklis was involved it was kind of dreadful. It also dragged a bit at the start. I wanted to get into this movie and enjoy it. By like a half hour in I was looking at the clock to see how much time I had left. Soon enough it picked up and got really enjoyable. It just felt like it took too long to get to the funny. Once it did, it was very funny. If you’re into stoner movies then you will for sure appreciate this movie. If you’re into comedies but not so much stoner movies then make sure you stick with it. The first twenty or so minutes are all set up. It does get better. To be fair, this is one of those movies that should be rewatched. I’m sure I will. Rewatchablity and growing appreciation… what more can an indie stoner movie ask for? B

“Worst Case Scenario” is a new take on the concept of “fantasy booking”. For years professional wrestling fans would spend endless hours of thinking up the coolest things that could happen. Why waste the energy? This only leads to high expectations. “Worst Case Scenario” flips that. Instead of looking through rose colored glasses, let’s take a bi-weekly look at the worst possible scenarios in professional wrestling. I’m not going to be malicious or anything too mean, but I will not refrain from letting my brain come up with the worst possible shit I can. Sadly, it seems the writers and producers of mainstream TV wrestling and the mainstream iPPV level indies are doing the same thing but charging us for it. And now…

“Shawn Michaels Comes Back!”

One of the best parts of Shawn Michael’s career is that he is one of the only wrestlers to retire and really mean it. In the late 90’s his career was cut short because of his back issues. He would eventually defy the odds and come back. Upon coming back he has a great run. He had big matches, big feuds, and made everyone look great in the process. His past was always in his face, but at the end he gave back to the business just as much as he took.

He lost the retirement match to Undertaker and has not come back. He has shown up to help Triple H get storylines over and made some special appearances but he still hasn’t had a “comeback match” or a “return match” or anything lame like that. I love the idea that HBK has stuck to his guns, but it’s hard to get your hopes up for anything in wrestling. That said, let’s brainstorm the worst, and sadly most likely, scenario we can for Shawn Michaels’ return to the ring.

Shawn Michaels has been back for really only one reason in the past few years and that is to help get whatever Triple H is involved in more over. Instead of Triple H cutting a promo to get his storyline with Undertaker over or his storyline with Brock Lesner over Shawn Michaels shows up and cuts a million dollar promo and does the job for him. Why should we expect anything else…

Triple H continues to come back and takes the spotlight away from everyone. After coming back to face off against whoever is getting a lot attention he’d win. Let’s fill that gap with a CM Punk a Ryback, a John Cena, or anyone really. If someone is getting over, Triple H WILL leech on that shit. After Triple H defeats whoever, he’ll eventually let them get the upper hand. In return, Triple H attacks Shawn Michaels out of the blue. Why? Because he can!

This leads to a match between the two on some random three hour RAW. They won’t even put it on a PPV. Shawn Michaels makes the match seem like the most important thing ever and Triple H no-sells everything. They have their big match and Triple H wins. There is nothing flashy or cool about it. Triple H wins a 7 minute match at the top of the second hour of a random non-descript RAW.

Shawn Michaels then vows to get his revenge. He’d have no choice but to come back…

“THIS IS 40″It’s a few years later and “Pete” (Paul Rudd) and “Debbie” (Leslie Mann) are still married and still have kids. We find out how their lives are at the age of 40. For those who don’t instantly know, this is a sequel to the movie “Knocked Up”. In a cool twist on sequels, this movie focuses on the lives of characters that weren’t the main focus in the first one. That’s pretty cool. Leslie Mann can be hilarious and charming and Paul Rudd is Paul Rudd. It’ll be cool. I’m sure of it. The additions of Melissa McCarthy, Robert Smigel, and Albert Brooks only help my confidence in it. I do hope Seth Rogen shows up for a special appearance, but I’m worried Katherine Heigl would show up again. She didn’t have a whole lot of good to say about “Knocked Up” and because of that I lost any respect for her or desire to ever see her in anything again. I’ll live a nice life without seeing mediocre rom-coms. On the flip side, Megan Fox is in this. I’ve never been fond of her either, but I’m still optimistic about this movie. The man who wrote “Celtic Pride” can’t fail.

That was filthy fun. I typically try to stray away from TMZ-like content, but you can’t deny John Mayer’s mojo. A friend suggested I do a “Tao of Justin Timberlake” and compare the “talent”. We just may do that in the upcoming weeks. Next week is another “First Impression”. I’m going to review the couple of albums released by 80’s new wave band “The Sisters of Mercy”. It could be good. Let’s hope! From there we round out the year with a two part series called “2012 Music Odyssey” where I’ll be taking two weeks to look at some of the more interesting and inane things to happen during the year. 2013 can’t come soon enough. Until next time… Have a Great Week!