Pages

Saturday, December 31, 2011

I know i wasn't gonna blog today, but what the hell; i have the time and i have the exciting news.
Exciting for me anyway!
Last night we went to a hospital 40 minutes north of Copenhagen to visit my first nephew.
He wasn't even supposed to be born this year, but i for one am glad he decided to show up early.
I'm already excited to see him again, and maybe even get to hold him!

Friday, December 30, 2011

I wanna make some New Years resolutions this year.
Not grand, unrealistic plans, nothing like that. No, i just wanna put into words the things i wanna continue doing, or do better, next year. Simple goals and simple wishes.
I didn't do any last year, and i actually regretted that. It's not supposed to matter, but it does.
2011 has been an interesting, but not always good, year for me.
Challenging would be one way to put it i guess.

The year started out pretty crappy.
The earthquake and tsunami that hit our beloved Japan destroyed tens of thousands of lives, and broke our hearts. It was also the reason we haven't been to Japan in over a year. 2011 is the first year since 2005 i haven't been in Tokyo at all, and i don't like it one bit.
I could go on and on about this tragedy, an ongoing tragedy that's barely getting any media attention any more, but this post is supposed to be... i don't know what it's supposed to be really? A quick summary? Something like that, cause i don't think i'll have time for it tomorrow.

Anyway, the first six months of 2011 weren't great for me.
I started taking this anti-acne medication in January and had to keep taking it until June.
This medication is so strong and so potentially dangerous that it's used only as a last resort for those who don't respond to any other treatment. Having suffered from moderate to severe acne since i was 13, there really weren't any other options left.
Considering that a known side effect of the medication is suicidal thoughts, i got off fairly easy.
For those 6 months, my skin, and lips in particular, were so dry that i wasn't allowed to leave my house without chapstick or wash my hair more than once a week, and every month i had to go to the dermatologist and assure the doctor that i wasn't pregnant. Yeah, another side effect of the pills are severe birth defects, so had i gotten pregnant, i would have been forced to have an abortion.
Good thing that wasn't an issue for us, but still, it took some extra planning to make sure that i 100% would not get pregnant!
Those pills were also the reason we didn't do any work on my elephant piece at all during that time. After seeing how bad the one little tattoo i did get healed, i wasn't taking any more chances, so for a long time, i had to put all tattoo projects on hold.

For those first months of the year, i also started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life.
That in itself was a good experience, but when our sessions came to an end, i wasn't actually better off than before i started.
It took several terribly frightening panic attacks for me to finally realize that i'd only scratched the surface of my anxiety problems, and that much more work was ahead of me if i ever wanted to live a life that wasn't controlled by fear and insecurity.
The panic attacks affected every trip we went on in 2011, and even now, i can't think of Hong Kong, Prague or London with anything but mixed feelings. That's the thing with panic attacks; they attach themselves to memories, taint them, and make themselves the one thing you remember above all else. Above all the good stuff.
I still have a long way to go, but at least i'm learning so much about myself, and life en general, in the process.

So yeah, lots of panic and anxiety this year, and it certainly didn't help my already kind of fragile state that my beloved grandfather died in June.
At the time, i thought the most important thing was "handling the situation well", and being strong for him and my family. Feeling sorry for myself for losing a loved one, or even grieving properly, was not something i allowed myself to do, and it came back to bite me in the ass later.
But i am ok, now. I miss him, so much, but after giving myself permission to grieve and cry for my loss, i got better.

Wow, it really sounds like i've had a sucky year, huh?
But seriously, it hasn't been that bad.
Because of my anxiety, and the therapy i've been going to, i am realizing a lot of things about myself that i never knew:

-I am learning to be less insecure, and care less about other people's opinion of me.
As a result, i am being more open, creatively, and because i spend less time worrying about people judging my work, i have started drawing and painting again. And instead of hiding the results in drawers and folders, i am sharing them on the internet, and even framing a few of my doodles and hanging them in my apartment!
I've said yes to some fairly challenging millinery projects that i would have hesitated to work on before, and built myself a new website with the purpose of promoting myself and my work a little better.
I'm learning that everything i do and make doesn't have to be perfect, or better than anybody else's work, it's ok that it's my best and that i enjoyed making it.

-I am learning not to let people walk all over me, and that sometimes, it's ok to put myself first.
In the past, and 2011 as well, i've been so helpful at times it's ridiculous. I would do so much and it would go completely unnoticed and unappreciated, and the disappointment in people i considered friends would just break my heart. I realized that some people in my life took my kindness for granted, and others just plain used me as a doormat. I am still working on setting boundaries and occasionally saying no, and limiting contact to those who'd take advantage of my kind nature; whether they know it or not.

-I'm getting better and better at thinking positive and appreciating what i got. It's hard breaking a life long pattern of bitching and complaining and putting other people down, but when you stop and feel the results, it's so worth it. I've had to leave the room on occasion (or aggressively change the subject) when friends or family members start ranting about stuff or people that bothers them in a way that's nonconstructive, but the more i stay away from that kind of thinking, the happier i am.
It's scary how natural it comes to people, though, and how much it bothers them to be called out on it, and in some cases, i fear it's too late to change, but that doesn't mean that i have to take part in the complaining and the talking about people behind their back. In fact, i don't have to listen to it at all.

-I'm exercising more. I hate exercise, but it's a great way to rid the body of anxiety and stress, and with that as my motivation, i look forward to continue this new habit in 2012.

-My husband. He's obviously not something i'm learning about myself, but he is someone i appreciate more and more each day. Every time my friends or family have let me down, he's been there, being loving and supportive, and making me feel not alone and not crazy.
The life we have together is so special and awesome, i can't even describe it.
We get to go to work together every day, to a shop we both love, and we get to be stupid and make each other laugh all the time. And we let each other change and turn into new people all the time, without judging and without fear of losing each other.

.... oh, god, what a rant!
Why didn't you stop me? And why didn't i save this for tomorrow?
Well, because tomorrow is New Years eve, and even though this is gonna be the most relaxed, almost anti-New Years eve, ever*, i'd still rather spend the day cooking than blogging!
Oh, and blogging more in 2012 is definitely gonna be on the resolutions list! I know it's been a slow year on the untitled blog, but i've had stuff on my mind, and stuff to work out, and the pressure of daily posting just wasn't something i needed at this time.
But i look forward to seeing where this soon to be 4 year old blog is going. And if and when i hit 500 followers, this anti-giveaway blogger is definitely doing a special giveaway!

One last really good thing about 2011 (although it hasn't even happened yet): sometime today i am going to be an aunt. How great of a way to end the year is that? Pretty great, i think.

If you read this far; thanks for having the attention span of a fucking wizard, and for sticking with me this year!I wish you all a very happy New Year and a fantastic non-apocalyptic 2012!

Ps. By the way; the medication worked and i am basically acne free for the first time in my adult life. Only someone who suffers from this, or another equally socially crippling skin disease, can fully understand how crazy and awesome that feels. I only wish i'd done it sooner so i could have maybe had a few years of no acne and no wrinkles... no such luck, i'm afraid, but i'm still pretty stoked!

*The plan is this: make lots of food, dress up, eat the food together with our friend Martin, have some drinks, play Xbox and pass out on the couch. No decorations, no fireworks and no parties. I'm pretty excited about that!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

You know me; as much as i love dressing casual for most weekends and workdays (hell, 90% of the time i don't even bother putting on mascara), i also LOVE dressing up, so even though events like Christmas are pretty low-key, and only attended by family members, i still dress up for that shit.
My mom does it as well, so that's probably where i get it.

(1. makeup! clip-on acorn earrings were a gift from a friend and the ring is my moms old wedding ring 2. Wood Wood dress that Christel gave me, tights from day 21, shoes from Japan, vintage belt 3. not so fancy Christmas nails; candy apple red with snowflake stickers 4. part of our tree... live candles, of course)

Even though it looks like me and Allan will be staying home for new
years this year (i know, it's my yearly get-drunk-and-act-like-a-fool-day, so i'm weirded out by the thought too), you bet your ass i'm
gonna dress up for that too!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

We're back from the country.
We had a great Christmas, but it's good to be home too.
The weather was, and is, unusually mild for this season, which meant lots of fog most of the time.
Except on the 24th. Which was perfect.

Foggy view from our bedroom on the 23rd

Same view the next day

I took lots of walks on the beach this time... you can really lose yourself here, in a good way

Bisserup randoms from instagram

We go back to work tomorrow for a few days and although i love just being at home, i'm looking forward to check in at the shop and make sure everything is ok.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

This is just a super quick post, because everything is going so well and on time and perfectly planned (for once, we're usually pretty slow), that i don't wanna screw it up by getting lost in blogging!

I am having a wonderful day with my family* in the country, but we're a few hours from eating (the house is really starting to smell great!), so i do have time to take a break and wish you all, both my more active readers and my many lurkers, a merry Christmas!

I hope you have a wonderful day/night too, wherever you are and whatever your holiday traditions, if any, may be.

The 24th was a Trek present!!

Me and my mom took a walk in the afternoon; the weather has been spectacular all day!

*Missing someone special, though, it's our first year celebrating Christmas without my grandfather and i can't not mention how much we love and miss him.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Those who don't follow me on instagram* may have though that my husband only did a few days of Christmas calendar presents for me this year, since i only posted the one from the 2nd of December and then not a peep since.
But that's not true, he's been doing them every day, it's just that once i realized we were halfway through the month and i still hadn't posted any more, i figured that i might as well wait until the end.
Not the end-end, though, but who knows if there'll be time for blogging tomorrow?
It is Christmas after all!

So here they are, or most of them, cause i didn't take pictures of 1 and 3, apparently.
Probably for good reason... some things aren't meant for the internet.

(2. a gift certificate to Sort Kaffe & Vinyl so i could get my weekly coffee while Allan was in Norway... so sweet! 4. the new Feist album 5. the cutest Hello Kitty cup, with tiny marshmallows, from a gas station in Norway 6. tiny hamster 7. under pants! 8. Kitty candy 9.lacy stuffs 10. Bollywood record that i still haven't heard, dammit 11. last season of Voyager... i might cry when it's done 12. Danish flapjacks 13. pretty, pretty socks 14. pretty green tights 15. best organic chocolates 16. 30 Rock... we killed this already 17. more pretty socks that i happen to be wearing right now 18. Robot Chicken 19. more flapjacks 20. delicious organic Pukka teas 21. grey and black tights 22. Wallaby bar and flapjack (yes, i love those) 23. pringle pattern tights... and that's it so far. Last one of the year tomorrow!)

*I also realize that i haven't, at all, been keeping up with my "this week/month on instagram" feature... i'm still not sure if it's dead or if i'm just taking a break!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Today is Sunday, which means i had my weekly coffee this afternoon.
And i am just now, at 9.30 coming down from the caffeine buzz.
Or, crashing is probably more like it. This plus still having a cold means i could probably go to sleep right now and not get up for another 12 hours.

Today (and yesterday too) we went to the shop to set up the photo lab.*
It's pretty much done, and we pretty much have everything ready, now we just need the time and to, uhm, teach ourselves how to use it too.
We'd planned to try it today, but Allan ended up having to do a photo shoot, but since his first client of the week called in sick, we're hopeful about getting to try it out tomorrow instead.

Oh, and what did i do with my caffeine induced productiveness?
Made paper mâché antlers, of course!

My desk is suck a fucking mess now

More layers tomorrow, and maybe paint too... and then a few more antlers...

Friday, December 16, 2011

I just came home* from my third session with the new therapist.
I'm exhausted and sweaty; not because of the session, but because i'm sick, but apart from the physical condition i happen to be in, i feel great.
I feel that sweet relief that you can only feel when you've had a burden lifted, and learned something new at the same time.
I feel positive and i feel happy.

It's funny, but sometimes, some of the things my first therapist told me didn't really sink in until i read it in a book later and got one of those "aha! truth!" moments, and sometimes it was the other way around.
Today, some of the things i've read in books were put into other words and spoken to me in a way that somehow made more sense.
I gotta make space for the anxiety. I gotta be big and spacious enough for it to live inside of me comfortably.
I'm not gonna fight it, or cure myself, take control or get over it.
I'm gonna live with the fear, in harmony, cause the feelings that cause my anxiety are the same feelings that make me special, that make me empathic and creative, that make me me.
Next time i get anxious i'm gonna try and invite it in and coexist instead of trying to fight it.

I've been reading about these techniques in various books and they do work.
I'm gonna do that anxiety book and exercise post i promised a few you who are in the same boat real soon.

I made this for Lucifer the other day... don't tell me he's not the cutest little Starfleet officer you've ever seen

You know how i usually love twitter?

Not so much today.

So much whining and bitching and complaining. Petty feelings coming in from all corners of the earth.

I was actually considering taking a little break for a day or so. Not that i expect people to somehow get less whiny or anything like that. I know that's not likely to happen.

I did, however enjoy finding a bunch of links to good articles and videos about Christopher Hitchens.

Of course they were brought on by the sad fact that he'd passed away, but i enjoyed the articles anyway.... and the videos of him wiping the floor with Tony Blair. Those are always amusing.

Anyway, i disagreed with him on a number of issues, but i really admired him and a person and a writer, and "God is not Great" is one of those books i'm gonna go back and read more than once.

And i look forward to reading "Hitch-22". As soon as i'm done obsessing over dancing dragons, that is!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I wrote this really long post about something that bothered me yesterday, but by the time i was done and ready to hit "publish", i realized that i wasn't even upset anymore, and posting it seemed silly.
Too bad, cause i liked the rant.
I'll save the draft and who knows, maybe something similar will happen in the future and voila! i'll have a rant ready to go.

This morning at the shop, while i was setting up Allan's station, my mom called.
Allan talked to my her and from what i could hear of the conversation, they'd found something interesting.
True enough, my parents, who now see opportunity where they used to see just dead animals, had found us a dead seal!
I didn't think about it all day until my mom sent me an email full of ghastly images.
Yeah, you bet i'm gonna post them.
A couple of them, anyway.

*Warning* Not necessarily for the sensitive reader...

When i first saw these one my phone they didn't look that bad... but then i opened the mail on my computer and saw the intestines....

My dad, chopping off heads like nobody's business

Look at that sweet skull!

We'll be down there for Christmas to boil and clean this guy

If you looked at the pictures and feel all sad and icky now, here's a seal story with a happier ending to cheer you up.

In other positive news; today is my parents' 39th wedding anniversary.
They are having dinner to celebrate right now.
Happy anniversary, mom and dad!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

It's been a while. Again.
And it was going so well too...
But i suppose i needed a little blog break; i sometimes do.

I've been thinking lately, or over-thinking is more like it, but i still don't know how to open my blog up to stuff like that. My thoughts, or my opinions, is more like it.
I feel like i share so much more on twitter sometimes. Maybe because it's easy and less challenging thatn dedicating a whole post to something?
I think i'm over the stage where i'm worried about offending people, or not living up to the expectations of complete strangers, but it's still tricky to change the shape of something that has existed for so long now.
Maybe someday i'll figure that out, but it won't be now.
Now, i need to go make myself a home alone dinner, possibly while thinking about whether the fact that we finally found a place we both want to live in, only to find that dogs aren't allowed there, isn't a sign that we need to move to another country rather than another part of this shit city?
Sometimes i can't for the life of me think of more than a single reason to stay.

This weekend, or until yesterday, actually, we went to the country for my parents' annual Christmas market in the old barn.
It was very cozy and Christmas-y, but i still haven't found that darn Christmas spirit.
Even typing the word rubs me the wrong way. Christmas.
Maybe i just need to go down into the basement, get out the decorations, and get over it?
It would be a good start, at least!

Monday, December 5, 2011

I know, i kind of already posted pictures of this piece,but they were instagram and in progress pictures, so it doesn't really count. Also, i'm having a nice day off with Allan and not much is happening, and these pictures were already uploaded, so there, that's what we're doing today!

I'm really happy with the way this one turned out, especially since it was giving me a lot of attitude towards the end, and i wasn't really sure of myself at times. But i think it ended up looking great; my favorite part is the embroidered details and the matching beads inside the flowers (which you probably can't see in the pictures, but it looks cute!)

This headband and its owner had a really special night planned, but unfortunately the plans fell through; i'm hoping they will find some other night to go out on the town together!

Since you're here (you are still here, right?), you might wanna know (or not, but i'm telling you anyway) that i just updated my website!

I actually do pretty regularly, but this time i finally got around to getting some wedding photos off my old laptop and adding them to the "looks" gallery.

And this headband is there too, of course.

The etsy shop is regularly updated too, and while a couple of the smaller poinsettia christmas clips have been sold, the larger (but still cheap) ones are still up for grabs and ready to ship out before christmas.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Yes, i'm still here and no, i haven't completely fallen apart cause my husband is out of town.
In case you were wondering.
I was a little worried initially, cause we haven't spent more than a few nights apart in the last ten years, and the distance between us just seemed so crazy, but it's been... good.
I think i might actually be enjoying this time by myself, and i've really given myself permission to just relax and do what i want.

I went to work on Thursday, and got so much done, but because i didn't have to wait around for Allan to finish, i was already home by 7, which is super early for me, and still had the energy to make myself a nice dinner and play with the dog.
Yesterday i didn't go to the work at all because Eckel wasn't working either and the weather was kind of crap.
Instead i spent my day painting and working on the computer and listening to records, and in the evening i had an hour long facetime session with Allan after watching a bunch of Trek. Lucifer, who is missing his dad like crazy, got in on the video chat action too. So cute!

Today is my weekly coffee day, and i'd gotten a gift certificate to Sort Kaffe & Vinyl as a calendar gift on the 2nd of December*, so i braved the (today even crappier) weather to go to the café and get a small latte. Lucifer was not having the rain at all, so it was a short walk.
And now, today, i've actually cleaned the apartment, so it's nice when Allan comes home tomorrow. I can't have him seeing what a complete slob i turn into when he's not around, now can i?
Plans for the rest of my day include painting (as soon as my hands stop shaking, that is... damn, delicious java devil!), reading a huge stack of Buffy comics that i've been saving for a rainy day like this one, and later, maybe some takeout.
Being alone like this really isn't so bad, and it makes our love seem stronger somehow to have done this (yes, i know it's just a few days!)

This makes December bearable

Last nights puppy-head-tilt extravaganza

This rainy morning, Lucifer was happy to be back inside, i was happy to have my weekly coffee

This is where i'm spending the majority of my time... the time i don't spend on the couch with the crew of Voyager

I can't believe how much i've come to love Voyager, but my favorite episodes are those with TNG cameos

*Allan had hidden my calendar presents around the apartment and he's been texting me their locations every morning. I'm not showing you the 1st and 3rd cause they're kind of NSFW. He's sweet but he's also a perv. A lovable perv.

The pictures on this blog are my pictures, taken by me, unless stated otherwise.The text is written by me, unless stated otherwise..If you post something of mine on your own blog please ask first, and make sure you credit me and link to this blog and we're all good. Need to get in touch? Write me at floraamalie@gmail.comThanks for taking the time to read this, i hope you enjoyed visiting my blog!