WWE - Ian Clark's What Fresh Hell is This? Raw Recap

Date: 03/13

7:00 PM

Views: 1,036

On tonight's Raw, fans try to come to grips with the fact that, yes, in fact, Roman Reigns is officially facing The Undertaker at Wrestlemania this year. Meanwhile, we may get some indication as to whether or not the main event this year will last more time than it takes to microwave popcorn, and hopefully more people will declare for the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale.

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Raw begins with a recap of the Lesnar/Goldberg kerfuffle from last week (that's my word and I'm sticking with it), then Lesnar hits the ring.

Heyman: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, can it be? Is it a vision? Is it an advocate's fantasy? Did Brock Lesnar really F5 the seemingly indestructable Goldberg? Yes he did, and what was the end result? Down goes Goldberg! Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and not only can I see the future, but that vision has been bestowed upon each and every one of you by the Goldberg-eating carnivore, Brock Lesnar! So what is that vision? What is that future? That future takes place Sunday night, April 2nd, 2017, Wrestlemania, write that date down, because that date is the date that my client will cause those so-called announcers to scream at the top of their lungs, 'Down goes Goldberg!' Now I will confess to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the past few months-- ('Goldberg' chants) Alright, this interview is being cut short. Ladies and gentlemen, Goldberg! Is not here tonight. But my client is tonight, so listen to his advocate. That's my polite way of telling those who chant 'Goldberg', shut the hell up. For the past few months, I'll confess, my client and I have sat around wondering, what do we do? Because every time my client is in the ring with Brock Lesnar, what has been the result? Spear, jackhammer, Goldberg. But not last week. No, no, no. Last week it was a very different story. Last week, the story was F5, down goes Goldberg! And not only did he go down at the hands of Brock Lesnar, he went down to the most devastating finishing maneuver in history, the F5 at the hands of Brock Lesnar! So now that we've told you the story, let's tell you what's going to happen. The championship comeback of the century, the biblical resurrection of epic proportions, will be hoist upon these shoulders, and the championship comeback of the century, the resurrection of the century, will come crashing to the mat. Because Paul Heyman's theory of Wrestlemania relativity goes like this: F5 = Lesnar goes up, Goldberg goes down!"

Mick Foley is watching backstage, Stephanie comes in, calls Heyman creepy, then acknowledges the tension in the room, and says it's because of the buildup to Wrestlemania. She says she hired Foley because he connects with the WWE Universe, but she's not managing him effectively. She asks if he's willing to learn from her, he says sure, and she says the first lesson is that he's going to scour the roster tonight and fire someone. She says it'll send a strong message.

Match One: Sasha Banks vs. Dana Brooke

Bayley and Charlotte are at ringside.

Lockup, Dana tosses her to the corner, shoulder tackles, beats her on the apron from the floor, Sasha with punches, sunset flip for one, double knees for two, Dana with a punch, fireman's carry, blocked, Sasha with a rollup with tights for three.

Dana clubs Charlotte in the head, punches in the corner, clothesline, mounted punches, Charlotte escapes to the floor, Dana tosses her into the barricade, into the ring, Charlotte bails, Dana grabs her, she scrambles her way loose and bolts while Dana screams at her.

Back on air, Kendrick is trying to cinch in the Captain's Hook on Tozawa, Neville is watching backstage, Tozawa to his feet, Neese swings, Tozawa punches his way out of the corner, Neese with punches, Neese in, Tozawa bests down both opponents, goes for a tag, Kendrick drags Perkins off the apron, Neese with a shove, covers for two, snapmare, body scissors, front facelock, transitions to a waist lock to block a tag, tosses Tozawa across the ring, sunset flip, reversed into a kick to Kendrick, TJ in, hurricanrana, kicks, running dropkick, tosses Neese to the corner, wheelbarrow bulldog for two as Kendrick tries to break the count but hits Neese, Kendrick tosses Tozawa to the floor, TJ tosses Kendrick to the floor, Neese shoves him from behind, covers for two, misses an avalanche, TJ with a springboard DDT for two as Kendrick breaks the count, TJ goes for a Detonation Kick, Kendrick grabs Neese's legs, Tozawa kicks him, Neese shoves TJ into Tozawa, rollup with tights for three.

Winners: Tony Neese and Brian Kendrick

During the match, they announced that those four and Austin Aries will face off in a Fatal 5 Way for the #1 Contendership to the Cruiserweight Title on 205 Live.

Charly Caruso asks The Club which team they'd rather face at Wrestlemania, Anderson asks why everyone is always talking about those other teams.

Kevin Owens hits the ring and grabs a mic. "One month ago today, I took the spotlight and I put it back right where it belongs. (clip of Owens attacking Jericho) And a lot, a lot of you people are very upset with me for doing that, a lot of you people are upset with me because I pretended to be his best friend for months. Well let me let you in on a little secret: I'm not his best friend now, and I was never his best friend, but he never considered me his best friend either. All he was trying to do was get close to me so that he could get close to my, MY! Universal Title. And now he's mad at me not because I betrayed him, but because I did what anyone would have done in my position and that was stab him in the back before he could stab me in the back. And now he wants his revenge? Well at Wrestlemania I'll give it to him. He cost me my title, Goldberg didn't beat me, Chris Jericho beat me. He thinks he's going to go to Wrestlemania and get the payback of all payback, but that just shows how I am smarter than Chris Jericho will ever be. Because I'm going to take his title just like he took mine, and then all that will be left will be the Tears of Jericho, cry it out, man! And as for how tonight will go, the only thing that Chris Jericho and his waste of space partner Sami Zayn will get is a lesson. And that lesson is this: Who needs best friends when you've got a destroyer?"

Jericho and Owens start off, Owens tags Joe in immediately, Jericho with a dropkick, chops, Joe with an inverted atomic drop, boot to the face, senton for one, punches, knee, chop, whip, Jericho with an elbow, missile dropkick for one, knee lift, Zayn in, punch to the gut, punches to the face, Joe with a chop, punch in the corner, punch, chop, whip, Zayn with a springboard, Joe ducks, Zayn with a hurricanrana, punches in the corner, whip, reversed, Joe with an elbow, enziguri, Owens in, stomps, covers for one with one foot, taunts Jericho, superkick to Jericho, Joe in, Zayn punches his way out of the corner, tosses Owens to the floor, suicide plancha, tweaks his knee, Joe and Owens stomp at Zayn in the ring, the ref reprimands them, it doesn't work, calls for a DQ.

Winners by DQ: Sami Zayn and Chris Jericho

Joe locks in the Coquina Clutch, Jericho comes in and cleans house, brawls with Owens, goes for the Walls, Joe beats him down, headbutts, holds Jericho back while Owens beats him, Pop-Up Powerbomb.

Backstage, Stephanie offers to help Foley pick someone, he says he can do it, she suggests Zayn. Nia Jax walks in and complains that she's not in the match at Wrestlemania even after taking Sasha Banks out for a month. Stephanie says she deserves to be in the conversation, and gives her a match with Bayley tonight.

After a commercial, Jinder Mahal asks Mick about the rumours that someone's being fired, says it better not be him, he's a main event level talent. Mick gives him a match with Roman Reigns.

Still backstage, The New Day introduce a new talk show segment: New Day Talks. They introduce their guest: The Big Show. Woods reveals that Big Show will be in the Battle Royale, guess no Shaq for sure, then plugs the ice cream and asks about Big Show's role in The Jetsons. Woods interrupts his answer and plugs the plot. They keep interrupting his answers. Once he finally gets some time to talk, Titus walks in and flips out about someone being fired. He then asks Big Show why he didn't get to star in The Jetsons instead, Show says he doesn't control that, Titus shoves him. Woods says that the message tonight is that Titus ruins everything.

Enzo: "My name (etc.) how you doin? Now last week, me and Big Cass, we had our tag title match. Couple spectators came out to watch the technical spectacle, but one of them was a klutz, spilled coffee all over himself. We did the right right thing, got him a gift. (pulls out 'Cuppa Haters' mug) Whadda we got here? Cuppa haters? For a cuppa haters! Consider it a farewell gift. There are only two types of men, and trust me, you ain't either one of them."

"Wrestlemania is only three weeks away, and March Madness is upon us. We've got our glass slipper, and our pumpkin carriage is coming, because we are the Cinderella story. We are the number one seed, so when you fill out your brackets, put us in the championship column. Tonight, we are punching our tickets to Wrestlemania. We're going to beat you like it's going out of style, tonight we're going to beat you from the Joe to 8-Mile. Because there's only ONE word (etc.)"

Cass and Cesaro start off, Cesaro with a running dropkick, European uppercut, whip, blocked, Cass with a side slam for two, Cesaro with a boot, Sheamus in, clothesline for one, punches in the corner, Cass pulls him to the corner, punches, Sheamus pulls him to the corner, punches, knee lift, Cass with a body slam, Enzo in, Cass body slams him onto Sheamus for one as Cesaro breaks the count, commercial.

Back on air, Cesaro has Enzo by the waist, clothesline for two, Sheamus in, Cesaro whips Enzo in for what turns into almost a springboard Midnight Hour for two as Cass breaks the count, Cesaro in, running European uppercut, Sheamus in, chinlock, Enzo to his feet, Sheamus charges, misses, hits the ring post, Cesaro in, Enzo tries to go the long way for a tag, Cesaro catches him, Enzo with a kick to the fce, Cass in, shoulder tackle, back elbow, fallaway slam, clothesline in the corner, fallaway slam, clothesline in the opposite corner, Sheamus in, Cass hits a big boot to Cesaro, Sheamus with a top rope clothesline, Cass presses him to the apron, Sheamus drops his throat across the top rope, Ten Beats, blocked with elbows, Cass big boots him to the floor, The Club hit the scene and kick both men in stereo.

Match Result: Double DQ

They toss Cass into the barricade, beat Sheamus down, toss him into the ring post, Cesaro attacks both men, they roll him into the ring, beat him down, Gallows superkicks Enzo off the apron before that can turn into a thing, Magic Killer to Cesaro.

After a commercial, Mick Foley confronts The Club. They say they made sure there were no winners, Foley says tonight is not the night to fuck with him, says he'd like to fire both of them, and makes a triple threat for 'Mania.

Match Five: Roman Reigns vs. Jinder Mahal

Lockup, Reigns presses Jinder to the corner, break, Jinder with a boot, punches, forearms, Jinder with an elbow, Reigns with a back suplex for two, clotheslines in the corner, the gong sounds, no Undertaker, Roman stares at the entryway, Jinder with a running knee, then a running knee lift, body slam for two, mounted punches, stomp, running dropkick, punches in the corner, knees, forearm face wash in the corner, stomps, Reigns with a punch, drags him up, Superman Punch for three.

Winner: Roman Reigns

Reigns: "As you just saw on the replays, I'm not messing around tonight. So Undertaker, come out here like a man!"

Raw goes to commercial.

Back on air, Roman is still in the ring. He gets Shawn Michaels instead!

Reigns: "I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty cool to see you. It goes without saying, Detroit loves you. But I'm sorry, Detroit, I didn't call out HBK. I called out The Undertaker."

"Roman I'm not gonna waste your time, my man, and I'm gonna cut right to the chase, look, I saw what happened last week, and I saw what happened tonight. You got distracted. Boy, you are distracted. This far out of Wrestlemania, he's already set up shop in your head, and come Wrestlemania, he's gonna eat you alive."

"He's gonna eat me alive? Well I've got news for you folks, it's not happening. And that's the problem here. The only question I ever get: 'What's it going to be like to be in the ring with The Undertaker?' Maybe The Undertaker should ask what it's like to be in the ring with me."

"Look, Roman, I'm going to admit, I'm on your side. You are the big dog, I'm on your side. But understand that I am Mr. Wrestle-freakin-mania. I know what it's like to have that chip on your shoulder, to walk around with the weight of the company on your shoulders, to see what it's like when everyone, even if they don't want to admit it, wants to see you fail. So I'm on your side."

"Look, I appreciate your advice, but with all due respect, The Undertaker retired you. And I'm the guy that's gonna retire him."

Roman leaves the ring and heads toward the back. Braun Strowman attacks Reigns on the ramp, then yells at Shawn Michaels that he'd do it to him too if he wanted to.

Backstage, Stephanie says she knows Strowman's not going to be the one fired. Mick says he hasn't decided and he's hoping he can talk Stephanie out of this. She says he has to do it for his professional growth as well as the company's growth. She says he has one hour (it's 10:02 now), and if he doesn't decide, she will, and he won't like it.

Match Six: Austin Aries vs. Ariya Daivari

Daivari offers a handshake, Aries accepts, bell rings. Daivari with a kick, whip, blocked, Aries with a forearm, punch, whip, reversed, Aries floats over, arm drag, another, Daivari with a triangle choke, Aries handstands his way out, dropkick, clotheslines, Daivari presses him to the floor, rolls him to the apron, punches to the back of the head, Aries with a punch, Daivari with a clothesline for two, grips the face, chop, whip, blocked, Aries boxes the ears, pair of clotheslines, chop, uranage gut breaker, slam, spinning elbow drop, Daivari with an elbow, whip, reversed, Aries tosses Daivari to the floor, suicide dive, rolls him into the ring, follows, shinbreaker into a back suplex, pulls off his own elbow pad, spinning elbow for three.

Winner: Austin Aries

They show a promo for Emma. Night after Wrestlemania?

Match Seven: Big Show vs. Titus O'Neil

Show shoves him to the corner, chop, Titus with stomps in the corner, Show with a clothesline, punch to the back, chop, body slam, blocked, Titus with a chop block, Show shakes it off, punch, two chokeslams, then a third for three.

Winner: Big Show

Women's History Month shows a package for Billie Jean King.

Backstage, Bayley is nervous for her upcoming match, Sasha says Nia can be beaten, and not to listen to the haters, to which Bayley responds, "What haters?"

Backstage, an interviewer I don't quite recognize asks Chris Jericho what he plans on doing. He says revenge is for Wrestlemania, but until then, he's going to "expose" the real Kevin Owens. He vows to do so on a special edition of the Highlight Reel next week with guest "The real Kevin Owens." He calls him "Tom", which is how I get to learn that his name is actually Mike Rome. Jericho puts him on the list for not knowing that he's actually Tom Phillips.

Match Eight: Raw Women's Champion Bayley vs. Nia Jax (non-title)

Nia corners Bayley, misses a clothesline, Bayley with a side headlock, Nia tosses her to the corner, Bayley with a side headlock, Nia tosses her to the adjacent corner, then to the floor, headbutt on the floor, rolls Bayley into the ring, Bayley with kicks from the apron, Nia tosses the steel steps, commercial.

Back on air, Nia has Bayley bent across her knee, tosses her to the mat, Bayley with a cutter, boots, misses a boot, Bayley twists Nia's leg in the apron, kick, cutter through the ropes, goes to grapple, Nia tosses her to the corner, Bayley with boots, crossbody, blocked, reversed into a Samoan Drop, blocked with elbows, Bayley with a boot from the corner, front facelock, Nia tosses her to the mat, misses an avalanche, but catches Bayley in a bear hug, then drops her across the top rope, avalanche, another, headbutt, shoulder tackles in the corner, stomps a mudhole to draw the DQ.

Winner by DQ: Bayley

Nia sets Bayley up in the tree of woe, the ref pulls her off, she drags Bayley to the floor and tosses her into the barricade.

Roman vs. Braun II is official for next week.

Stephanie McMahon hits the ring. "Ladies and gentlemen, earlier tonight I gave my General Manager the opportunity of a lifetime. The opportunity to prove that he has grown as a businessman, the opportunity to prove that he can make the tough decisions like the one he's about to make right now. So to announce the Raw superstar who's going to be fired, Mick Foley!"

Foley hits the ring.

Steph: "That was pretty nimble. You've had all night, so what decision have you come to? Who's the fat you're going to trim from the bone? Who's the bottom ten percent?"

"Stephanie, at first I thought this was just an exercise in cruelty, I couldn't think of a single Raw Superstar, male or female, who deserved to lose their job, but about ten minutes ago, one name kind of popped into my head, and now they're just bobbing out. I think it's going to make me a better GM, a better man, and I know it's going to make Raw a better product. The name I came up with is Stephanie McMahon."

"You know you don't have the power to fire me. Don't make this a cheap joke."

"It's you! You're the only one who deserves to go! You look at the Raw Superstars like they're your playthings! I value our friendship of eighteen years, but six months ago, when you looked me in the eye, you told me that you had nothing to do with HHH screwing Seth Rollins, and I told you if that wasn't true, it made you a really good liar and a really bad person. Well now I am looking at a really good liar and a really bad person. You and your husband colluded to screw Seth Rollins!"

"You stop right now!"

"Your husband--"

HHH comes out. "If you have something to say to me, I'd be glad to hear it in person."

"Well I'd love to, but I wasn't sure if you still existed, I thought you just lived in the shadows."

"Funny, I'm apparently everywhere but also hard to find. Do you people even look? I'm not hiding, I'm running a business. And that business is why I don't want a lawsuit three weeks before Wrestlemania. And that's why I don't rip your head off. Why I don't tear your badly-in-need-of-a-hip-replacement leg off and beat you to death with it."

"You're going to beat me? Or are you going to delegate that out to Samoa Joe?"

"You sure are a fun little nostalgia act, aren't you? You wanna read the name of the town off your hand again? I never would've brought you back, because I know you don't have what it takes. I never would have brought you back. But Stephanie has a big heart. Stephanie really likes you, as much as it might not seem like it, but don't think she won't do what she has to do. Don't think she's not every bit the businessman, the businesswoman Vince taught her to be. Don't think she won't send you back to dragging your carcass around the country to tell the story of the man you used to be."

"You know, I think Stephanie will vouch that I have the respect of the Raw roster. They respect me, they like me, I think they even envy me. Because I don't have to pretend to like you. I can go back to travelling the world, because I happen to enjoy doing it. You might look at me like a pathetic guy with a missing ear and missing teeth, but I see myself as someone who can look at myself in the mirror and know that I like who I see."

"I'm sure this is a stunning visage when you look at yourself in the mirror. But you know who you should think of? Think about your kids. Remember the Foley kids? Remember Noelle? Whose dream it is to be a WWE Superstar? And Dewey, who works in the office back at Stamford? Maybe his dad can give him a ride to the unemployment line. You need to think of your kids, Mick, and you need to walk back up that ramp, tuck your tail between your legs, and when you get backstage, you need to have an epiphany. And you need to say to yourself, 'I love WWE! I love this job!' And the next time you see Stephanie McMahon, and she says jump, you damn well ask how high!"

Mick starts to leave.

Steph: "And let that be a lesson to all of you! When you show up to your jobs tomorrow, if you even have a job, you look your boss in the eye, and you say thank you for this opportunity! Because not one of you knows what it's like to run a business, and not one of you--"

Mick Foley locks HHH in the mandible claw until Stephanie low blows him. HHH readies for a Pedigree, until Seth Rollins' music hits.

Rollins comes out with a crutch, but then drops it at ringside, hits the ring, and beats HHH down. He hits a superkick, HHH grabs the crutch on the floor, slides back into the ring, Rollins punches him, goes off the ropes, HHH nails him in the gut, then in the knee, takes his shirt off, stomps the knee a few times, locks in the kneebar. A team of referees pull him off. He nails him in the knee one more time as Raw goes off the air with Rollins writhing in pain.