Month: March 2015

The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.

Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.

Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:

‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’

Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.

He said:

‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’

Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:

‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’

Mr Bennetts continued:

‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.

‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’

When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.

Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar

Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob

A Lichfield-based solicitor admits that his successful application to become Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidate in the May 2015 General Election is probably due to a “midlife crisis”.

Paul Ray and fellow Lib Dem – ashamed to show his face [Lichfield Mercury]Paul Ray recently won the nomination and follows in the footsteps of the local party’s previous failure, Ian Jackson, who, at the height of Lib Dem popularity in 2010, fell 7,000 votes short of ousting Conservative incumbent Michael Fabricant.

Local party chair, Jenny Pinkett said today:

‘We in the Liberal Democrat party have an honourable tradition of failure in both national and local elections and we are delighted that Paul will be fighting hard to secure a right good roasting in May.’

Mr Ray has a successful track record of failure having previously been beaten in District Council elections by Keeper of the District’s Purse Chris “Butter Fingers” Spruce. Paul commented:

‘As a happily married father of three with a successful career as a banking and finance partner in national law firm Browne Jacobson, I decided that it was time for a midlife crisis. But what was I to do to bring about my own destruction? Leave the wife for my attractive young assistant, buy a motorbike, take up rambling or cycling perhaps? No, I needed a challenge that only certain defeat can bring, so I joined the Liberal Democrats.’

Mrs Pinkett continued:

‘Paul Ray impressed tremendously and won the hearts of all local party members at the selection meeting in my kitchen last week.’

Paul has lived in Lichfield for 14 years having previously been manager of the fresh fish counter at Tesco. He declared:

‘The Lib Dems have a great story to tell and like all great stories it’s largely fiction. In government we have been responsible for buttressing the Conservative’s relentless attack on the poor, the ill, the disabled and the under-privileged. And don’t even get me started on tuition fees. We are very proud that 20% of the Lichfield electorate voted for us in the last election and can only apologise for the embarrassment that this has caused them over the last five years.’

Paul’s wife, Gemma Ray remains stoic, she said:

‘Things have gradually got worse for us over the years, first of all Paul became a lawyer, then he announced that he had secured Royal Bank of Scotland as a client and now he’s a Lib Dem. The shame of it all and not a thought for what it’ll do to the kids.

‘But I’m looking forward to 7 May when it’ll all be well and truly over. I’ve booked a nice family camping holiday in the Peak District, I’d have liked to go abroad but what with Paul losing his £500 deposit and his job I didn’t think we could afford it this year.’