03/28/2016

She has been ill with an undefined illness for the last 5 years or so. The doctors have not been taking her seriously and have left her feeling like it was all in her head. It made it difficult for her to see, talk and breathe. Well this weekend she proved them wrong – unfortunately.

She was on holiday in France with her husband and family and the illness won.

So I want to use this blog to remember my friend for what she was rather than what she wasn’t.

She was the most amazing friend. I always thought of her like Tigger – she was a bouncy vivacious person with a huge heart. She was born on exactly the same day as the hubby and they used to joke about which one was the evil twin.

She could get high on orange juice and unbalanced by moving the furniture in her house. She would do anything for anyone. She cared in a way few people do.

I first met her when I moved up to Dundee to work. I think she was almost amused when I asked her along to look at houses with me. She helped me buy the house we now live in.

Over the years our friendship grew deeper and she became my travel buddy as I travelled the world with work.

San Francisco and Chicago

When her mum got ill and was waiting on a heart operation, she moved in with her in Cumbernauld. I would stop by on the way back from my Edinburgh airport trips and spend hours late into the night just chatting with them.

When I started seeing a counsellor in Aberdeen every 2 weeks or so, she travelled up with me most times. She would just be there for me. Not expecting to hear anything after the sessions. She travelled to Wales to help me with my mother.

Then in 2007 when the hubby had his heart bypass operation, she sat with me while we waited for hours for news. Smurf was a little kitten at the time and would race around the room in a mad half hour in the evenings.

Then I got pregnant with Adam and she came with me to hospital when the hubby couldn’t. I was admitted with blood pressure problems in the pregnancy on the night when we were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate their birthday.

She was there when he was born at 26 weeks. She read out a passage at his funeral when he died 30 days later.

When the little one was born, she was around as much she could be but by then she had started getting ill. She had to give up her car and with it her independence. She was a very independent lady and this was a sign of things to come.

She moved in with her soon-to-be hubby across the water, and without the car it became harder and harder to see her. Her illness was taking more of a hold, and the little one never really got to know the Marguerita that I knew. When I told her that she had died, she was indifferent. If she’d known Marguerita the way I did she would have been distraught.

When it was my 40th birthday 3 years ago she put on an amazing spread of gluten free food. She loved to cook.

In many ways, the illness had already taken Marguerita from us. These last couple of years have been hell for her. I feel particularly bad that I couldn’t help her. I owe her so much. She’s been there for me through hell and equally been part of the fun amazing times.

15 years is a relatively short amount of time to leave such a profound mark and yet there is now a Marguerita shaped hole in my heart.

My only solace is that I know she was a woman of strong faith. It was a personal faith. I can imagine her up in the heavens singing her heart out and smiling down on everyone she cares about. She is free at last.

03/11/2016

My grip is rubbish and I have accepted that and got hold of some weight lifting straps.

The problem is that I’m just not very good at anything I do there. I thought I was doing ok then I saw how others were doing. Others were doing the same as I was achieving after months in a first or second session. Other people were lifting loads more on the bench press. In fact, everyone was better than me at everything.

And whilst I was doing it for myself, this fuelled the belief that my body is rubbish. At the same time I saw the photos of myself doing the Pecha Kucha talk.

I literally can not process this image. That does not look like me. I know I am overweight right now and still working on it – but not that much. I do not see that when I look in the mirror. I do not see that when I look down. I do not see someone that big. It was a huge shock. That is not me.

These are my legs. These are the legs of a person that is an ok size. These are my legs. I recognise these legs.

I do not recognise this body that goes with them.

So I had a major wobble.

Everything felt hopeless. I felt hopeless.

I am going to London in June and arranged to see Trevor for another session. It’s nearly a year since the trial. I know I went into protection on the run up to the trial. Physically I built a protective layer around myself. It’s been a long journey since then and nothing much has changed physically although a huge amount has changed mentally. I have a one or two things I am stuck on though and I need Trevor’s help to get past them. We all need help sometimes.

I spoke to Ricky my PT and said I would pause the sessions. I go once a week with my friend and I was going once a week on my own too. I decided to scale back to the Saturday.

And then a couple of weeks ago I did a rack pull and I got up to 90Kg. My previous best had been 60kg (about 9 stone).

I seemed to be quite good at this. I did at deadlift at 80kg. I got the 100kg just off the floor. Maybe I can be good at something after all.

So now I am focussed on seeing how far I can go with the deadlift.

This is me lifting 105kg (about 16 stone)

So now I am still going twice a week – once with my friend and once on my own just to do the deadlift.

01/22/2016

- She looks really happy. If this was the real me, I wouldn’t look so happy. Just a few months before this photo, I had been sitting at the desk in my student accommodation with a bottle of my mother’s strong painkillers on the desk in front of me. It had been my plan to take them at a point where there was no risk of being found and saved. This was when Android Dawn took over.

- You can tell it’s Android Dawn from the optimal physical state. If this was real Dawn then the body would reflect the inner turmoil. It would have layers of protection. This version of Dawn doesn’t need protection.

I get such a mixture of feelings when I look at this photo. Mainly, I don’t know this person. This is not me. When I went to University I changed. I was about 18 in this photo. I am 43 now. I learnt that if I was to survive, I needed to stop being me. I became an actor rather than the real me.

It was a great strategy. I went into my career with no limiting beliefs or fears. Because everything was scary, I learnt to listen to nothing. I just kept going, no matter what.

I was successful. My career took off. I travelled all over the world. Android me had everyone fooled. I was happy and outgoing.

However, all along, the real me hid inside. That version of me was in hell. This is not me being melodramatic. All the pain was bunched up in one small core.

Over the years the pain grew until it could no longer be contained. The real me began to come through. I wanted kids but I was too scared to get close to the hubby. He found a therapist for me and I started going to see her. After about 18 months I got to the stage where my fears had gone enough to get pregnant. It was terrifying to be pregnant, but I loved my body for what it was able to do. For the first time I saw my body as something good. Until I got pre-eclampsia. My body let me down so badly that after 26 weeks, Adam was delivered by C-section. He never really had a chance and he died.

But now I had a bigger problem. Android Dawn was now gone and I was left having to cope with everything. With hating myself and wanting to die, with losing my first child. The hubby and I had already talked and knew we would try again. This kept me going.

The little one came along. For the first time it wasn’t about me. There was no escape now, I just had to be me. And I realised that wasn’t good enough. I was going to screw her up.

Once more I went to therapy, but this time it was different. This time it was Trevor Silvester, the founder of Cognitive Hypnotherapy.

Now I was on an entirely different path. A path that led to me giving up my career and starting a totally new one as a therapist. A path that led to me accepting me and finding true peace and happiness with that.

It has been an intense experience. It is said that you can’t stop energy, you can only transform it. All that pain that was contained all those years had become quite some force. And now it has been transformed from pain into passion. Passion for helping others with their pain.

So this is me. This is the real me. Inside and out. This me I recognise. I am happy and I am at peace. I look forward to each day. I look forward to the future. Equally, I enjoy the present. I enjoy the moments. I smile more now than I have probably ever done in my life. I don’t need Android Dawn any more.

12/26/2015

This has been a year where I’ve needed friends so very much, and they have been there.

Let me share how lucky I am.

Friend Number 1 - Marguerita

I met Marguerita when I first moved to Dundee in October 2000. She was on my team and also helped me choose the house which I still live in. Our friendship grew steadily over time. She’s an amazing, kind hearted lady and has always been fun to be around. She will make anything happen. I have to be careful not to ask her to find something for me because she will be unrelenting until she does!

In 2007 the hubby had a quadruple heart bypass operation. She was always there for me. She stayed with me while he had his operation and I waited for news from him. As I was already pregnant, she came to the hospital with me while the hubby was unavailable in hospital.

Later on in 2007, when I was in and out of hospital when pregnant with Adam, she supported the hubby and I with whatever we needed. She was always there. She was also my travel buddy, keeping me company while I travelled with work, even when I was being miserable. She travelled up with me to Aberdeen every week or two when I went to see a counsellor – for nearly 18 months. She never asked anything of me. She was just there.

Friend number 2 - Jenni

I only met Jenni a few years ago when the little one was 3. Her son is the same age as the little one. Jenni has 3 kids and neither her nor her husband drive. So I go up to her quite often. Our kids get on really well and over the last few years we have been on many great holidays together. She is very quiet and unassuming and very non-judgemental. This makes her really easy to talk to. I have never known anyone who embraces life as much as she does. It’s catching and I find myself loving so many of our activities together.

This year she has been there for me through everything that’s gone on. When Marguerita’s husband got ill shortly before the trial date, I made sure that she knew that I would not allow her to come to Wales with me for 3 days. But then I was distraught as I realised there was no way I could do the court thing on my own. Jenni arranged for her Gran, her childminder and her friends to make sure the kids got to school and back and were looked after until her husband was home, then came with me. She was there for me as I went through the trauma of reliving my video evidence. She sat through the rest of the trial while I hid for the day, not willing to risk catching sight of him in court. I can say that I would not have got through the trial without her.

And today we went for a second Xmas with her family. This year was difficult for me. The hubby’s mother died last year and I won’t have anything to do with mine after court. It means my Xmas memories are all tainted. All my childhood memories are. I was worried that the little one was losing out for my stuff – something I refuse to let happen.

Jenni bought her a huge pile of presents and the little one has been truly spoilt.

Friend 3 – Alison

You don’t know Alison. You’ve never heard about her. Alison was my friend from school who I haven’t see since I was 16. Alison testified in the trial on my behalf. She remembered conversations we had as kids. She had been feeling guilty her whole life for not speaking out at the time and helping me. I assumed she wouldn’t remember. It was so nice to see her again and amazing that she came to court for me.

Friend 4 – Jo

Jo connected with me when I had just finished training to be a Cognitive Hypnotherapist. She read this blog and would send me mails. Since then we have begun to talk on a regular basis. We have a Skype chat most weeks. We talk about our stuff, we talk about business, we talk about anything really. It’s a mutually beneficial and supportive relationship where we help each other move forward all the time.

Friend 5 – Adrienne

Whilst I have known Adrienne on a Social Media for a while, we only met relatively recently. Ironically, thought she lives in Dundee, we met in London at Euston station when she was down visiting her son and I was visiting Quest.

Adrienne has done day trips with me on 2 separate occasions when I had to go and give my video evidence and when I did the pre-trial visit. As you can imagine, a 6 hour drive when I was facing re-living the abuse on video was not a particularly pleasant experience – but she came with me and kept me distracted. She did the same during the pre-trial visit. Like all my friends, she asked nothing of me – she was just there.

Friend 6 – Ruth

I play Words With Friends with Ruth – an online Scrabble game. This is how I know her. She lives half the year in Uist and half in North Wales. I met her once a few years back for a coffee when we were up in North Wales.

Ruth attended every court date that he did. Sometimes she spent hours waiting for him to appear. She let me know what was going on before the police did.

And then she attended the whole trial. All 4 days. If she hadn’t have gone on the Thursday I would not have had the verdict until much later. I wouldn’t have known he went with his suitcase. It’s amazing that someone that I only know from online Scrabble would do so much for me.

Friend 7 – Michala

I first met Michala when we attended a risk course together. She is a fellow Quest Cognitive Hypnotherapist. She is one of the most intuitive people I know. Apart from Trevor, it is Michala who has helped me move forward most in this crazy journey. It has been moments with Michala that have revealed some of the most significant blocks that I have then taken to Trevor to help me clear. In between, when I’ve been trying to work through stuff, she has been there on email, asking me questions and challenging my beliefs.

And then there are all my friends on Social Media. These are people, on Facebook, that I know personally and Twitter, that I don’t.

I hear people complain about their Facebook friends. They say their timeline is full of fake stuff and people whinging. Mine isn’t. People I connect with are very real, and share their ups and downs. They are unerring in their support of me. No one tells me to shut up and get over myself when I struggle through the normal highs and lows of life. It is a safe place to share the lows and the highs and feel totally supported. I love my Facebook friends.

And Twitter provides something different. It’s supportive but in a different way. On Twitter there are people I have spoken to for years. They are people that know the before and after versions of me. When they see my struggles, they remind me how far I’ve come. When I have fun, they share it with me. When I ask for advice, they provide it.

I am extremely rich to have so many amazing people in my life – and that’s not even counting the hubby - but I’ve already told you all how awesome he is!

12/22/2015

Ok, I’ve been a bit rubbish at updating this blog lately so let me share a couple of things.

Firstly the little one has been doing some street dance classes for the last couple of months. We are still looking for the thing that she loves to do. She enjoys this but still not that enthusiastic. Anyway, she had an end of term show and I went along with my friend Anna.

I was so proud. She was truly amazing. She hadn’t practiced anything at home because she wanted to surprise me. The lighting is a bit rubbish but here are the photos

I was really proud of her. She was very buzzed up too!

Then there was the nativity where she was an angel. She sang her little heart out and played up on some of the songs so I was laughing my head off

So here we are, all set for Christmas. It’s been a busy few months. We’ve already been playing in the snow, and have got the snow suit ready. Off we head into a whole new year!

12/07/2015

This is my friend and her boy in the The Range the other day. The Range has an excellent section for Xmas decorations and she was in her element. It was fun to be with her as she got excited on each new aisle she went down. It made me smile.

It made me realise that Xmas isn’t really making me smile this year. In fact, for the last few years it hasn’t made me smile.

The little one wanted me to put up the Xmas tree last weekend. I found an excuse not to. I couldn’t be bothered.

Every year I have tried to start up new traditions with the little one. I didn’t want to carry across any traditions from my childhood. That is more true than ever this year.

Because for all the magic of Xmas, it was all fake. How can I look back fondly on any memory now knowing that my mother never loved me? I can’t look back on anything with any fondness. We had what I thought was a close relationship. But even a friend would not let you hang out to dry in front of your abuser in court. Even a friend would not put themselves first. Certainly not a mother. Everything I thought was true about our relationship was clearly wrong.

So when I think of my childhood Xmas I think of sadness, and pain, and being let down and unloved. This year, more than ever, I don’t want to think of my childhood Xmas.

And this year one of the little one’s grandmothers is dead. She always sent loads of great pressies. The other one is as good as dead. So it’s just the 3 of us. Which it always was, but this year I feel more alone than ever. And my step-sister doesn’t talk to us any more – so she has no cousins.

She has loads of love though. She has all she needs right here with us. She will be spoilt and loved just as much on Xmas day as she is every other day of the year. I am just struggling with getting the enthusiasm up to decorate the house and find the magic.

My friend (pictured above) has been buying her loads of pressies too and we are going over to her house on Boxing Day for a second Xmas with her family.

I’m sure the little one won’t even notice. But I am. I feel sad and let down. Everything seems incredibly unfair. I’m trying to get the halo effect from my friend. Her house looks lovely and she’s like a big kid with the decorations and the presents. It makes me smile a lot.

12/06/2015

I am now visiting my personal trainer 3 times a week. Generally I really look forward to my sessions. Except for leg day, I’m not a big fan of leg day lol. We do one day on the back, one day on chest, and one day on legs.

I absolutely love how my arms are developing

The difference between the left and right photo is just one week. I spend half my time feeling the muscles in my arms these days!

My legs are developing too but the results aren’t as visible because I already have strong legs from lugging my body around all over the place!

I have started to get frustrated with my grip though. My legs and arms are strong enough to lift a 50KG bar off the floor but my fingers aren’t - I just can’t keep hold of the bar.

So I got this neat little gadget to measure my grip

And it confirmed I have a rubbish grip – 11kg on the left hand and 18kg on the right (dominant) hand. The gadget classes this as weak for a person of my age. The best thing about this gadget is that everybody wants a go. It’s like the best party game ever. There were a couple of older ladies in the gym with a different PT just as I was leaving and even they had a go. One of them was going to get it to play with at the Christmas dinner table. Every single person that has used it so far has had a way better grip than me. So it’s certain, I need to do something. It also explains why I couldn’t hold onto the handle when I went water skiing in Jamaica about 20 years ago. I was so disappointed in myself and thought I was really weak. I wasn’t – it was just a rubbish grip.

So Ricky is adding some grip training exercises, and I’ve bought one of these to use while I’m sitting watching TV

I have already managed to shift the left hand to 14kg after just over a day of messing. So I’m sure in no time my fingers will support me lifting the bigger weights that I am physically capable of.

Incidentally, Ricky suggested I also get before pictures taken of my back so we could see progress, but I looked in the mirror and there is no way I’m having a photograph of *that* – not a pleasant sight!