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May 06, 2007

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[classical music plays]
BABE RUTH.
THE GRAND BAMBINO. THE SULTAN OF BATTING.
THE KING OF HOME RUNNING THE BASEBALL.
HE WENT BY MANY NAMES, BUT WE
ALL KNOW HIM BEST AS BABY.
THE BASEBALL PLAYER WITH THE MOST NICKNAMES.
BORN IN AMERICA, GEORGE HERMAN RUTH DIDN'T LIKE HIS
BIRTH NAME FROM THE VERY START.
AT HIS 6TH BIRTHDAY PARTY, HE STOOD ON A CHAIR AND EXCLAIMED,
"I'M GOING TO HAVE THE MOST NICKNAMES
IN PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL.
AFTER THAT, HE ADDED, ALSO MY GOAL IS
TO PLAY PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL IN NEW YORK CITY,
FOR THE NEW YORK CITY METS.
SOON AFTER, HE LOST HIS BALANCE AND FELL BUTTOCKS FIRST
INTO HIS OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE.
AS THE YEARS WENT ON, BABY GATHERED UP HIS FAIR SHARE OF
NICKNAMES IN THE AMERICAN TOWN WHERE HE WAS RAISED.
SOME OF THOSE NICKNAMES INCLUDE RAM-RAM, SQUEAKY,
THE TOP CHEESE, WRENCH MAN, ROB,
PENNSYLVANIA HARRY, THE GUNG HO KID, AND IT IS RUMORED,
THAT ONCE HIS UNCLE CALLED HIM BY HIS FATHER'S NAME,
BUT QUICKLY CORRECTED HIMSELF.
BUT EVEN WITH A BEVY OF NICKNAMES,
RUTH STILL WASN'T SATISFIED.
SURE HE HAD NICKNAMES, BUT THEY WEREN'T BASEBALL NICKNAMES.
SO HE DID WHAT ANY YOUNG MAN WOULD DO
IN THAT SITUATION, AND HE ASKED THE
COMMISSIONER OF BASEBALL IF HE COULD JOIN ONE OF THE TEAMS.
THE COMMISSIONER SAID YES.
AS HIS CAREER UNFOLDED, RUTH FOUND
HIMSELF SCOOPING UP NICKNAMES THE WAY
AN ALL STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER SCOOPS UP
FUMBLES, WITH FREQUENCY AND WITH EASE.
HIS VERY FIRST BASEBALL NICKNAME WAS
FOUND IN THE NEW YORK CITY NEWSPAPER
UNDER A HEADLINE, NEW BASEBALL HITTER
DOES JUST THAT.
THE ARTICLE WENT ON TO DESCRIBE HIM AS THE GRAND BAMBINO,
THAT BASEBALL HITTING MAN.
HIS OTHER PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL NICKNAMES INCLUDED
THE UNIFORM SWINGER, CATCHING GLOVE RUTHIE,
THE COLOSSUS OF WALLOP,
MR. BASEBALL, MS. BASEBALL, THE KING OF THE CRACK OF THE BAT,
THE MAN WHO DOES VERY WELL WHERE PEANUTS ARE SOLD,
AND ONCE AFTER STEALING A BASE, THE STEALER OF BASES.
HIS CAREER ENDED ABRUPTLY IN 1935 AFTER
HE GOT TIRED OF RUNNING SO MUCH, AND DECIDED TO QUIT.
SO HE QUIT.
A SELLOUT CROWD WAS ON HAND AT BASEBALL STADIUM
TO HEAR RUTH THANK HIS MANY FANS FOR
YEARS OF DEDICATED NICKNAMING.
WITH A TEAR HE SAID GOODBYE, WAVED TO THE CROWD,
AND FELL BUTTOCKS FIRST INTO A BIRTHDAY CAKE.
BABY, BAT OWNING RUTH, NOW YOU KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.
[classical music plays]
HE WAS ALSO CALLED THE DUKE OF THE DUGOUT.