Part 2, birth story. Failure to Progress. FAILURE.

The Awful:
I’m talking about the cervical check. Here’s what happens: You’re in real deal labor. Then someone comes up to your vag and sticks 3 fingers in there as deep as they can go. Then they like bend over a little so they can get even deeper in search for your cervix to poke and prod. Stuff in there just wants to come out and it does NOT want anything to go in. It’s not like a normal ob/gyn check. The pain that comes along with this is blinding, mind numbing, eyes crossing scream inducing. I’m not a screamer. I’m good with needles and pain in general. With The Awful, I screamed. A lot. I cried, tears. And after that, I get The Awful’s results.

Midwife: So you’ve been in labor now for about 12 hours.
Me: That is something I am very aware of but good looking out.
Midwife: And you are not dialated
Me: Wait. You mean like, not FULLY dialated?
Midwife: No, not dialated. AT ALL.
Me: (PANIC) then cry.

Turns out when you are dehydrated from voming every 25 minutes, contractions feel “escalated”, as they put it. When in reality they are baby ones. I think someone in that room may have used the term “practice contractions” and I may have thought the term “bloody ax murder lasers in your face”. At this point they then told me what I really didn’t want to hear: I had to go over from the birth center to the hospital because I wasn’t progressing. This felt to me like defeat. But I had no strength to fight it. We woke B up from his nap time and drove to the hospital.

Princess the nurse (that’s her name swears) hooks me up to the fetal monitor. I can now walk in a 1ft by 1ft radius. No more special contraction positions. No more going to the bathroom on my own. Now I have to puke in a bin and get help to pee. No more moving around to stop “practice contracting” and get to the real shit. I’m now officially plugged in. Next step is Cervidil. Picture a tape worm. That’s what it looks like. Now shove it up your crotch and leave it there. Yes more things up and 0 things out. This was used to soften my cervix and move shit along. Fine. Let’s go with it Princess.

stupid hospital.

I had to stay laying down in bed with the Cervidil for 2 hours. Laying down was the most uncomfortable position for me. It was the one position that made me want to die. But I didn’t have the choices I had anymore at the birth center. This was Princess’ castle and I was her pregnant wench.

Ok 2 hours passed. Thank god. Now we can get things going! SUPER WRONG. I smile big at the new nurse (Princess went home) all proud of myself and remind her that 2 hours are up and now I can move around and take out the tapeworm! (It had made contractions pretty intense and I felt like things were finally moving along). She says casually, “oh no dear. We’ll check you in 12 hours”.

TWELVE HOURS.
TUHWELVE HOURS THEY WILL CHECK ME.
but no one told me that before they gave it to me??

At this point I cry. I sit down, in defeat, face in hands and cry. I’ve been in labor for almost 30 hours. And they are telling me that in 12 hours they will check my progress and THEN maybe give me pitocin to keep things going. New nurse tells me that I could be there for 3 more days. I don’t say this often on the blog, but all I could think was FUCK. SERIOUSLY FUCK.

Birth and labor is such a mental game. When people tell you that your contractions are in the “early stages” or put a number on your dialation, or tell you to expect to be there in complete horror bloody murder pain for 3 days, you don’t know if you can take it. I know I didn’t. I felt totally defeated and I felt like I had brought this on myself with all of these interventions instead of letting nature take it’s course when it was good and ready. But to be fair, I was also thinking that a banana walked in the door at one point, so my thoughts were minimally credible.

To get through the next phase, I did accept pain medication. So I took Stadol, which is injected into your IV and makes you dream about an all-kitten rock band and a society of floating heads. You still feel your contractions but you kind of float through them. This helped me mentally. Then it was time for The Awful AGAIN.

I told myself, noscreaming noscreaming you’re a big girl you can do this. And then I screamed. And cried, and shook. Oh the shaking. From this point on I didn’t stop shaking. From head to toe.
Verdict:
ONE CENTIMETER DIALATED.
But they told me that Plankton’s head was so low he was in the pushing position which is why things felt so intense. My cervix was just not interested in this horse and pony show.

Things happened then fairly quickly. I started bleeding more that I should, Plank’s heart rate slowed, my pain increased and my dialation stopped all together. That’s when the doctor told me what had to happen…..

Ugh. I am reading this and having major flashbacks to my own labor….I am sorry. I knew when you posted Gavin was here that you had a c-section. That was me. Full on labor. NO dialation. Not even one. So, you were better than I. Scary sh*t, I know. I am glad he is here and you are recovering. I know that was a b*tch too. Happy thoughts now…oh no. There is a part 3….which I think I know how this will read. And look.

Another cliff hanger?! Nooooo!
Seriously, you’re making labor sound pretty miserable and I’m now afraid of the awful. Tonight I’ll be informing my husband that we can procreate when he can carry the child himself.

Oh Sweet Lord! I can’t believe they put you through that! All that happening and no dilation?! Crazyballs!!!! I know the story has a happy Gavin ending, but…. I feel for you, my dear. I’m just hoping you don’t reach the gates of Hades in the next part.

Oh MODG, I’m so sorry for you. I know what its like when they tell you that and it hits you like mack truck. I’m so sorry. I tell myself the same thing, why did I get all jumpity on getting my baby out (I ended up the same way, but with less puke)??? But two years later, I’m just now starting to make peace with how my birth ended up. It really is a small price to pay for our wonderful babies. And the best part: you have a sparkly perfectly in-tack vag. Not the best consolation, but I think of it sort of like a trophy vag. Hope that helps.

Wait a second…you weren’t trying to be like K. Holmes and go for a silent birth, right? The Scientology Aliens are absolutely laughing their asses of being like “birth is a horrible mental exercise, let’s make them do the “who can stay quiet the longest” contest during the whole miserable thing.”

Well, I’m very glad you opted for some pain management. I can’t even remember The Awful because I was so deliriously happy about my epidural. You are a strong, strong woman, MODG. With a cervix of steel. Plankton simply wanted to make a grand entrance, and you really can’t blame him.

Not sure if you opted for circumcision or not, but maybe you could write that story from his perspective if you did. “So I travel for ~30 hours to get out of my warm cozy waterbed and then they cut off a portion of my weiner.” Poor guy. B is the only person winning in this story.

I feel like a stalker (I’m not a stalker, swearz) but good old Princess (and her funny little accent) delivered my second baby (this one out the vag) at BMH as well! I had a panic attack at about 9 cm being a little stalled and she was freaking out going “who said c section? I not say c section. You baby come right outta here! Relaaaaax! No C section!”

WOW, your birth story is a super page turner. I’m so impatient and just can’t wait for part three and pictures. I don’t even know you but i’m super excited to see you and baby Gavin! I’m 25 and have started to slowly think about babies. I think i’ll think again. You are a brave woman and I certainly appreciate your no sugar coating story.
P.S. Gavin is an awesome name!

So sorry to hear that your birth didn’t go according to your plan. Remember our emails back and forth a while back? Remember I said, do not have a birthing plan or expectation, because first births are rarely easy, and then you get upset about things once they are out of your control… I was all, don’t be attached to the outcome, be ready for it all, hospital included.

This is why your story upsets me. When women get their expectations high and aren’t told early on by their midwife or what have you, that shit happens and to be ready for it. Be ready for it ALL. and WTF with the primrose? Jesus, I’m sorry but that shit is crazy. A baby comes out when they are ready, and if they are late, most docs won’t let a mommy go past 2 weeks around here. Why would that lady want to soften your cervix when you haven’t even started labor yet?? Fuck, that is insane. Sorry, it just gets my goat.

I’m so sorry that you didn’t get what you expected, I was really trying to help you realize that birthing is something that you must flow with, for your sake and the baby. I am all about OB’s with a first born. Maybe the next time round you can have a natural birth? I did with my second and I was REALLY glad it was my 2nd and not my first. Otherwise I’d of never had sex again. Birth is tough work. You are a rock star for going through all of that and deserve a gold star, or maybe a diamond bracelet.

Thank GOD you both are safe and healthy! I’m so happy for you!!! And you have a rockin awesome birth story to freak thousands of newly impregnated women for years to come! Score! LOL!

Gina, I want to say I really like what you said in your post about letting go of expectations. I do want to put in a good word for midwives, though…even for first births. I’ve been a hospital midwife for 17 years, and have caught about 2000 babies. I, along with the other midwives in our practice, strongly believe in addressing issues of high expectations, (and dream births and sometimes elaborately orchestrated internet birth plans) with women during their pregnancy, even if they’re having their 5th baby. People have so much pressure to have a “Beautiful Birth” these days. It makes me sad. You’re right, birth is tough, definitely do-able, but tough–especially the first one, and any way you do it warrants a diamond bracelet. People think they’re supposed to want all these things and do all these things around birthing & many times it all goes out the window anyway and they find later that it actually wasn’t so important if we delayed cutting the cord for 30 extra seconds or if they had right music was playing in the background or if they had pain meds or an epidural. I don’t blame people for succumbing to high expectations. It’s hard not to in today’s birthing culture. And it’s hugely significant and important to women and couples…it’s the birth of your baby. I just want all women–and at the moment, MODG, especially– to feel like the incredible champions they are for digging deep and, as someone else said “soldiering” through and surrendering to whatever plan birth has for them. It’s all a lesson in letting go. I tell pregnant women if I could give them one word about labor, it is “surrender.” I hate to see people here talking about MODG’s birth like its something she’ll have to be in therapy for or something. I get a sense she’ll have some perspective (and certainly humor) even though it was super hard and not what she had hoped for, it was, after all…birth. It’s almost never what you expect. As for the primrose oil…I rarely recommend myself it just because I’m not really sure it’s effective enough to warrant sticking it up there, and I like to mess with things as little as possible. I may offer it occasionally as something to try for cervical softening if someone’s way past their due date and are opposed to medical induction. But it’s really not evil, even before the due date, and it likely had no effect on MODG’s labor. Neither did the castor oil, btw..other than to cause an earthquake of cramps and diarhea. Anyway..sorry so long..really just wanted to say I like your thoughts, and just needed to put a word in for midwives…and of course a big shout-out to the magnificent MODG for getting to the other side and living to tell an awesome tale.

There are good midwives and super crazy bad ones. I had wanted a midwife but felt more comfortable within a hospital setting. More so for the sake of my baby than anything else. As a mom my top priority was the health of my baby. Nothing else mattered to me. Not the way the baby was born, not where. Primrose and the idea of sticking it up there is insane. Sorry, it is. Lord knows where it was manufactured, what microbes are present and then sticking all that unknown into an area…whoa, crazy. I am getting beat up here for having a very educated opinion. So I am done. I won’t defend what is.

I don’t think she meant to “beat you up” for your “very educated opinion”, but ok. Hospital birthing is not always the best for the baby either, jsyk. Women birthed for centuries without the need of a hospital setting, but birthing has become so commercialized that now it is thought of as not normal to birth anywhere BUT a hospital. The way your baby is born should matter greatly to you, considering the amount of drugs you are having pumped into you in a hospital setting sometimes. Are you aware that epidural can affect the baby? It can actually make the baby sleepier upon delivery. Pitocin induction? That can result in a high risk vaginal delivery & possibly an unnecessary c-section. In a hospital setting you are (as MODG was) restricted as far as movement, and food/drink intake. Also, some hospitals with feed your newborn with sugar water or formula, even when you specify your child is ONLY to be breastfed. Also, this is the kicker, there is a higher rate of infection should you birth in a hospital. Hospitals don’t give you the amount of options midwives and birthing centers/home births will, and you are often coerced into unnecessary “treatment”. Your opinion doesn’t seem so educated.

Hmmm… I had two completely natural births in a hospital setting. No infection, no evil doctor shackling me to a bed, nursed and kept my babes with me after birth. And certainly no one advising me to drink castor oil. I worked in an L & D unit in the early nineties as a student, and saw lots of very sick pregnant women come through because someone gave them the terrible advice of drinking this. I’m glad that MODG is OK, and that her baby is too. And what happened is certainly is not her fault. But I think that it’s interesting to go off on how dangerous and awful hospitals are when the very reason she landed in the hospital was because of very bad advice from the midwife. Thank God for that hospital in this case, in my opinion. If the midwife were flying solo and if not for the hospital, what do you suppose the outcome would have been??
Again, don’t beat yourself up MODG. But you clearly have a lot of readers who are pregnant or have yet to give birth, and it’s important to acknowledge that not all hospitals are evil and not all midwives are responsible.

I wanted to say this, but couldn’t figure out how to say it. Haha. I know plenty of women who have done ALL of their birthing with midwives, and few have bad experiences to share. Maybe it didn’t go according to their plan, but they certainly adore the midwives.

I have been loving on your blog for a few weeks now and felt I must break through the internet barrier to send you all of my “amen sister” empathy. My son is one month old exactly and delicious and so worth every moment of pain…. but I too had The Awful when they checked me-it was the most painful part of labor for me. I had TWO ROUNDS of cervidil. As in 24 hours flat on my back with a tapeworm inside me. And then I had pitocin. And then they broke my water. And then I pushed for 4 hours. And then they brought out the vacuum. Sum total: 3 days of labor. I’m anxiously awaiting the rest of your story and hoping things got better for you. And I hope you feel like a badass because that is what we all are for soldiering through labor. And in the end, we’d do it all agin in a heartbeat, wouldn’t we? Congratulations!

oh dear, i feel ya…this was almost the same scenerio as me minus the caster oil! You nailed the Stadol effects though! I was seriously looped out on that shit, but it got me through 6 hours of the labor before the epidural was administered.

Oh my gosh, this part had me in tears for you. I can’t believe it. You are such a super duper strong mama!! I am 3.5 months preg, and I am absolutely petrified of giving birth. I hope I can be nearly as strong as you when the time comes! And I know you didn’t get to have Gavin exactly the way you wanted to, but at least he’s here and he’s healthy and now you get to spend the rest of his life loving him <3

UGh this gives me the sads for sure. It takes me back to when I birthed my son 36 hours AFTER that blasted Cervidil! I know how you felt when you talked about the mental game. I looked forward to The Awful each time just KNOWING that I had to have been at that magical number by then… but EVERYTIME they just gave me a frowny “why are you wasting my time” face and said “still at a 1″. What a turd. But You need to know MODG that it was not your fault at all!!! Everyone’s body works differently.

It’s a good thing that I already know the ultimate outcome of this story, because if I didn’t, I might not be able to stand it. That stinks that you had to go through that. I am glad that everything is ok and everyone is healthy.

Yep, I’m also having flashbacks. I had cervidil and was in labor for 15 hours and made it to a 1 before I finally begged for my c-section. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. I’m so sorry. I thought my 15 hours were bad

Oh MODG! I can’t believe that whole time we were pestering you about updating and what the status was with you and the baby, YOU WERE IN LABOR!!!! Ugh! You poor thing. I feel so bad for you that you weren’t able to stay in the birthing hospital and do what you wanted to do, but please don’t think that we think of you any less. I would have asked for the epidural in .08 seconds if it was me. I’m glad part 3 is coming soon because I just want to hear how well you’re doing now! Hopefully pain-free and relaxing and just enjoying the euphoria that is having a newborn.

Hang on. It is legal for them to let you be in labor for 3 fing days? They do realize after like 12 hours I will be screaming at all of them to get the baby out stat. Who does it for 3 days? I don’t know if babies are that cute.

Good God now I know why you hate doctors!! I have NEVER heard of such a thing! Allowing a woman to labor for 3 additional days when it’s already been 30 hours!!! That’s fucking crazy. That seriously is BULLSHIT. I feel so bad for you.

But the important part, is he is here and you are all healthy. But I’m sure this scarred you permanently!! Are there more children in your future?? I really can’t imagine going through what you did! I did not have failure to progress with my 1st, but he got completely stuck in the birth canal. That was no fun. I was so anti- c-section through my whole pregnancy, but by the time came, I was practically BEGGING for one, just to get it over with. It truly does not matter HOW your baby is born, as long as he is healthy! I hope you are okay.

I have been away from blog reading for months, and just happened to wonder about you today. So happy your little man is here. I’m sorry your birth experience was not what you planned. I have friends here in FL who are members of ICAN. Apparently it is a wonderful group to help heal you from your birth trauma (i’m assuming you had an emergency c-section).
Looking forward to seeing more super cute baby pix!

Its important to ask for help if, or even before you need it. I’ve read that a traumatic birth can give you PTSD with can lead to post-partum depression. I would look into that group just to see what they have to say.
I was so worried that if things did not go the way you planned that you would feel defeated. You are so brave for even planning a natural birth and you gave it your all (and then some!). I’m so glad that all of this turns out ok.

That hospital room makes me want to stab my eyes out. I feel like I know of SO many women–young, healthy women–who have had to have c-sections recently….yuck! It’s great that you are being honest about your experience, and not just glossing over it with rainbows and sunshine because “it was worth it in the end.” Even though it obviously was.

My sister, stepmom, aunts & cousin had a very similiar thing happen. They would get in true, contracting, painful labor.. everything was screaming, “get this baby out!” but their cervis had very different ideas.

I’m so sorry you had a traumatic delivery. The good news is that you have a beautiful little boy. Can’t wait for the pictures.

OMG, The Awful is SO AWFUL! I had an epidural, and The Awful was still terrible….and I’m no wus!!! Seriously. I was crying and moaning and thrashing like a baby. With an epidural. Keep that in mind when you’re feeling bad about your story.
I also had PROM, and I have to say, you probably had nothing to do with that. I did no intervening except for some long walks, and it still happened. I blame my weekly cervical checks from my Dr., so next time, no checks until my due date.
I hope your story ends better than forceps and a 4th degree tear. And in the end, it doesn’t matter. My baby is healthy and my vagina is back to normal, a year and a half later. Never thought it would be. And now I’m doing it all over again and I can’t wait. But the whole labor and delivery process is so emotional, I can hardly talk about mine without crying. Both from horror and pure sentimental joy. Sapfest, sorry. Congrats to you, your baby is a beaut!!!!

Sorry your birth was so stinky. Mine was similar. And what I hate most is all of the medical “assistance” wasn’t necessary. In MY opinion. But at the end you & your baby are home & healthy and that’s all that matters.

100 hours labour for my first with of medical intervention and the Mother of All Episiotomies If it’s any consolation, I forgot all about it and had a short and natural homebirth with second child eighteen months later. Oh, and with my second my water broke three days before active labour and I made a mess of everything>/i>.

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. That sounds so horrifying.. So glad you and baby G are ok, though! You certainly aren’t making my fear of childbirth any less, but my best friend was always just like ‘oh i kinda pushed and she was out,’ so she’s obviously no help.

As one of those hippy doula/future-midwife folks, I have to say that you DID NOT MAKE MISTAKES! I’m sure your doula has already told you that a thousand times over, but it sounds like you had an unusually crappy start to your labor. Not your fault. Spend some time going over it when them. And maybe think about going to an ICAN meeting (http://ican-online.org/chapter/search) if you are still feeling like crap about it. Many of the women I’ve worked with who’ve had c-sections have really liked the community of the ICAN groups.

Ah yes…I remember that shit for the cervix. All I remember is that after they put that thing, I started getting nasty ass contractions. I wasn’t dialating,either, but they didn’t want to wait till she was good and ready. I was only 4% in fluid and baby couldn’t stay in there much longer. I got the evil pitocin as well. It was hell! I went from 2 centimeters to 7 in less than an hour! It caused the baby’s heart rate to slow as well. They came in running and there was all this talking and movement all around me. But the baby’s heart went back to normal and I all was well until I was fully dialated a few hrs later. I pushed for about 5 hours, and she finally came.

Everything I had put in my birthplan…went down the drain.

Can’t wait for part three! So happy, Gavin is here and that you are now recovering.

DANG.My birth plan went out the window too. i had an epidural (and the stadol which was amaaazeballs, but anywho) but the anesthesiologist put it in wrong (i shouldn’t have trusted him he looked just like dr. mcdreamy, bah) and gave me back spasms, and had to reinsert twice (!!!). and THEN only my upper thigh was numb. I felt the bowling ball that was my daughters head and EVERYTHING come out along with some HORRID tearing. so I pretty much had a natural birth. and in the end i forgot the horrors (somewhat) and cried so much because i was so happy to see her sweet face! you did nothing wrong MODG, all that matters is that you have your precious son now. I hope you recover well from everything and p.s. the cliffhangers are KILLING me slowly. pps my anesthesiologist put “kink” in my epidural hence why i never got completely numb. and he punctured something in my spine which now has caused me to have 2 bulging disks and continued back spasms to this day 2 years later. in hindsight i don’t think i would ever get the epidural again.Can’t wait to hear part 3! rest up!

MODG, you (as well as all birthing mothers) were a trooper! I always said that pregnancy and birth was always the most amazing, gross, wonderful, alien, miraculous and invasive thing to go through. I felt like a big science experiment. But in the end it was all worth it. I find now that I love to hear about birthing stories because it helps me reconcile with mine — I had lots a puking and labor was over 24 hours with me pushing to early, having to re-up my epidural and crazy blood pressure issues with my first). The good news, my second was a breeze. Thanks for sharing all this and opening a forum for all of us to share. I am tranfixed by your story!

PS – To all the first time pregnant women, this is not, and will not be your story. We all have a unique story and, as several commenters above mentioned, don’t tie yourself to one idea of what will happen. You just never know what will be happen. Educate yourself, like with this blog, so you things might not seem so alien if you have to make a decison during this physically tough event. Good luck!!

Oh man, I think about late decelerations and placenta previa and all the horrorrs of trying to tear a baby out before it is ripe enough to come on it’s own!! There is a special score that people get and if the score is not in a specific range then the percentage of c-sections goes up when trying to take a baby out before it’s fully cooked. Well………………congrats on baby and so glad you had a supply of the super maxi’s on hand. I had c-sections and hated them, but now as a nurse……I secretly enjoy them. Baby’s are born with the perfect head!! Looking forward to photo’s!!

i had the same problem. no dilation. ever. cervidil in my junk. intense pain but no dilation. i was also strapped to a bed. couldn’t get out of it bc had to be hooked up to the fetal monitor. no water, no food…for 2 days. they wouldn’t give it to me.
worst experience of my life.
at the point of complete dilation 3 DAYS LATER!!…i was too weak to push so they forcepped that baby out of me.
rips from crack to mud flaps. with an additional 4 inches up inside.
stitches surgery for 2 hours.
will part 3 sound something like that?

Hey MODG, I’m so sorry to hear that your birth plan didn’t go as planned. One of your readers above was so totally right about not having expectations that are too high, and having the ability to just go with it and not be “married” to your birth plan. Neither one of my deliveries happened as I planned (even after the first, you just can’t know what’s going to happen). Mine were both with my beloved OB in a hospital, but I had “planned” to do both naturally, with my doula helping through the contractions. Nature had it out for me though, and I had to be pitocin-induced both times (first one a week early bc baby wasn’t growing, second time bc of PROM and subsequent failure to progress past 4 cm). But regardless of all of those well-thought-out plans, my children turned out beautiful and healthy. You are far from a failure, you are beyond awesome. You worked through a shit ton of pain and the end result was your beautiful baby boy, all healthy and happy. The road to getting him there was hard and not what you expected, but you got your reward for all your hard work: Gavin. We’re all so proud of you!!!!! Xoxo

I found your blog from the post John & Sherry did on Baby Center. Anyway, I am reading your birth story and it was very similar to mine. My baby was 10 days late and I kept begging the doctors to induce me. They finally did and 27 hours later (yes you read that right), I had not gone into labor so they did a c-section. It was horrible!! She weighed 9 lbs, 7 oz and her head was so big that they hospital hat wouldn’t fit on it! I don’t know why they let me go that long, I am still pissed!

Oh thank God I’m reading this. It sounds familiar, and I don’t feel like as much of a wuss as I thought I must have been. 24 hours in of 3 minute apart contractions for me: 1 cm, but head was right there, water broken, shaking, puking, insane and screaming my head off. But to get told 3 days! I can’t/don’t want to comprehend.

Thank you for preparing the masses for “the awful.” At 36 weeks, I had a false labor scare this past Monday, so we took a trip down to the ol’ hospital. The nurses were great and nice and wonderful…up until the time that it came to be my turn for the awful (during which I thought of MODGblog, bunnies, and not knocking anyone out). But great and nice and wonderful nurse #1 couldn’t get her fingernailed fingers in the right position, so in came great and nice and wonderful nurse #2 to perform the awful v2.0. Honestly, it wasn’t as awful as I was expecting. Thanks for making “the awful” sound absolutely horrendous so I was prepared!