The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train: Valentine’s Day Edition

Q. Train, You’ve been giving some good advice I’ll give you that much but you haven’t had to deal with the toughest dating day of the year: Valentine’s Day. What you got Hoss? – Theodore Aloysius Huxtable, Brooklyn, NY

True. This is a tough day for a Dude. Girls don’t want us knowing, but Valentine’s Day is the biggest test of the year; this is finals week and none of us even knew we were enrolled. Luckily I’m here to give you a hand, so lets go through each relationship, what the test is, and your best play:

You’re a single guy…

The Test: You’re a very lucky guy. You’re going to save some money, not to mention there are bars full of girls running around with an “I don’t care that it’s Valentine’s day, I’m going out with my Lay-Dayysss and getting drunk” swagger that barely masks their loneliness – the perfect emotional cocktail to get you the best sex of your life. The test here: Can you separate the ones out to screw from the Valentine’s Day downers that infect these situations with their “woe is me” attitudes (you’ll know who I’m talking about – the one with the white wine and the scowl)?

Your Move: Fruity shots and plenty of energy.

The Line: “YOU don’t have a boyfriend?!?!?”.

Casually Dating

The Test: You’re a very unlucky guy. You’ve been dating this girl and it’s been fun…until you realize that it’s February 13th and you’ve got to either end it or deal with the nightmare of Casual-Dating-Valentine’s-Day. This is like one, big, daylong, question of “what are you guys?” I’m actually shuddering as I type these sentences. Do you care enough to do something special? Or do you go rogue for the day and make believe it doesn’t exist? If you ignore V-Day, consider the relationship over; if you acknowledge it too much, then you’ve basically said: “pull the goalie, I’m in this for the long haul”.

Your Move: Make a decision about this girl…or, if you want to keep things just where they are, then play Valentine’s Day somewhere in the middle. Go out for drinks and get her some simple flowers. Make it a bare bones operation that gives her a little more attention than a typical Friday night. Who knows, she may even let you skip a base.

Your Line: If you feel like things are going a little too well and you want to pull the reins back, slip in a line like, “I’m just glad that you didn’t feel like you had to look good tonight.”

Relationship Less Than A Year

The Test: She wants to know how your going to handle all special days in the future, and I’m not talking about when they bring back the McRib. Are you the type of guy who is going to make an effort? If you don’t on the first Valentine’s Day then what’s the 15th one going to be like?

Your Move: Go to dinner at a place that’s a little more special than the KFC down the block. Get the bottle of wine, maybe even splurge on dessert, you big-spending stud – let her know this hasn’t been a waste of time and you’ve enjoyed yourself. Then show her the kinky cop uniform you bought for her. If she protests, tell her that she “has the right to remain silent.”

Your Line: (As your clinking glasses): “I’m having a lot of fun with you and I’m glad we are still at the stage where I can fart, but you can’t.”

Relationship More Than One Year

The Test: You guys spend the better part of a month wearing sweatpants, eating, and falling asleep on one another immediately after climaxing. You’re like two bears living together during hibernation at this point. She wants to know- “Is the fire still there?”

Your Move: Show her there isn’t just a fire, there’s a blazing inferno. Keep the date at home. Have some flowers waiting for her. Cook some food. Wear a pair of pants that doesn’t have an elastic waistband. Manicure your man region (maybe even put in a cool design, like a lightning bolt). What I’m saying is- put some thought in and you will be rewarded with 5.76 seconds of hot hot heat before you fall asleep on top of her.

Your Line: “I’m sorry I got off so soon.”

The unfortunate reality is that Valentine’s Day exists solely for the benefit of women. So, you can completely ignore it, or put a little effort in – knowing that the only way you’re having a good time is if she is, too. So Dudes, suck it up. Do the right thing – know that you’re being watched (closely) and make an effort.