My Journey

Month: February 2017

I have two kids and they are a big reason for my push to get healthy in 2017. Not only do I want to see where they will go, watch them marry, have children and be ridiculously proud of everything that they accomplish. I want to set a good example for them…show them how to love their body and eat for nourishment…not to eat their feelings.

This is where the rubber meets the road…how do I do that, when I really HATE what I have become?

I love what my body has been capable of…it created life! It has seen me through tough times and trials…climbed mountains, cleaned up after natural disasters, danced ballet… but I have not been a good steward of the gift I have been given. I have abused it, taken it for granted.

Now I am in the position that I have to admit I was wrong (I really dislike admitting that I didn’t do something perfectly, goes against my perfectionist ways). I also have to do it in time to show my kids the right ways to eat, move, live.

I have embarked on a challenge…feel free to join me if you wish, I would love to hear some feed back. I have picked the one part of my body that doesn’t often see the light of day….my belly…it is lily white and rarely, if ever, has seen the sun. I have decided that I am going to wear workout clothes (when I am with my trainer) so that my belly is exposed. Please understand, I work out with a personal trainer once a week, in her basement…she will be the only one to see my shame, the part I dislike most about myself. This may seem like a simple thing…I am starting with baby steps!

This is not about throwing modesty to the wind…but I need some shock therapy, so to speak, to get my secret out in the open. I am giddy and slightly nauseous about doing this challenge, but I think that it will give me good perspective.

I see my children and they are simply beautiful…their rounded cheeks, the way they move. They are so innocently accepting of their bodies…I want that for myself.

So it has been five weeks since I began my eating program and I am really good results. I am down 25 inches and 16 pounds. Generally things are going well, I have lots of energy and I am feeling really good. My husband is doing this with me and he has some really good success too…here is the sticking point, I am STILL tempted. Every single day I am making that choice to not give into my urges.

I REALLY miss things like chocolate, potatoes and ice cream…but I know that I can’t give in.

1) I feel much better without all of that in my system and

2) It is a slippery slope for me, if I have one I could have a thousand.

This is my constant battle between my learned behavior and what my body needs from me. My body doesn’t need those things I crave right now, it needs wholesome, healthy food and exercise to keep me healthy and strong…this has become my mantra. I don’t like what this says about my level of self-control, but we all do things to cope with what life has given us.

I hope that I never become one of those people that thinks they can solve other’s eating issues. I love to give advice and let them know what has worked for me….but this journey that I am on is personal and each individual will be ready at different times.

My focus this year is on getting healthy, but I don’t mean just in a physical sense-I am aiming for total health. Realistically this will be an ongoing process, but I needed a benchmark to start my journey. One of my biggest motivations is being a good example to me kids, they are 8 and 6….and quickly growing up before my eyes.

I want them to see a person that values specific things, morals, ethics…contributes to my community, cherishes family and friends…I want to be perfect, I fail far more than I would like to admit.

I am by nature an introvert…in that to recharge I need alone time, in fact I crave it. I often come return home from family event and vacations exhausted because I haven’t gotten enough alone time. I don’t mean hours on end, I can get by on about 30 minutes a day…I need this time to really function well.

Unfortunately, I feel like I am ALWAYS on call. My family can be sitting in the living room and the moment I walk in the door and say hello my daughter or son responds with, “I’m hungry”. I haven’t even put my lunch bag and purse down yet! I really need to get an identity outside of the GIVER OF SUSTENANCE in my house (even the GP squeaks for food when I walk in the room). I grumble and complain and turn into a Mommy Martyr. I drag myself around the kitchen to get something put together…”They are capable of getting their own food. It happens all the time, especially if I am not in the room.” I say to anyone who is paying attention, no one is.

I need to escape that cycle…I want to establish boundaries that we can all deal with. I get some recharge time but my kids still know I am accessible and present in their lives. This is a balancing act that I am still trying to figure out. I sometimes feel like I have too many jobs to do and that I am not doing any of them particularly well.

I will keep you updated how my struggle to break out of the Mommy Martyr box I am currently in.

One of the biggest issues I have with being obese is that somehow people feel free to make assumptions about my life. Body shaming is rampant in our culture and although we allow people to struggle with a number of different things without judgement, being obese is NOT one of them.

I have dealt a with a number of rude and insensitive people, often from those who I count as friends and family. I have been told that I just need to “get moving.” Let me tell you about a typical day for me. It actually starts the night before when I am making lunches for my family, and checking to make sure that homework is packed up and ready to go. I do this so my husband who is in charge of the kids in the morning can do so smoothly while he is flying solo.

I go to bed around 10 and wake up just before 6. I have an hour commute into work where I am on the go for most of the day…I am a teacher so I am in front of the class. I often arrive to work early, and work out for anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes.

I drive home-due to traffic, this often is longer then an hour- and go right into making dinner. Then it is homework/household chores/evening activities and wrangling the kids into bed for 8. I have two hours to spend time with my husband, perhaps catch up on outstanding chores and start the cycle over again with getting ready for the next day.

I work a flex schedule so one day out of the four-day rotation I am off, this is when I go in and do back office admin for the family business…plus outstanding things like banking and other errands. Those days I usually drop the kids off and pick them up from school. Oh yeah, I am up early so that I get a once-a-week session in with my personal trainer.

I AM NOT SURE WHERE ALL THAT EQUATES TO LAZY, BUT YOU GO WITH WHAT HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.

Please stop making assumptions about my life, I know that I am obese, I do look in the mirror. Until you know the whole story please don’t make a comment or suggest that I skip a meal…I don’t comment about your poor personal hygiene or how your mother obviously didn’t teach you any manners. Your words are the same as throwing sticks and stones at me…neither is appropriate.

I didn’t always struggle with my weight, I was in excellent shape as a kid. It was really in my teen years that things began slipping out of control. Of course, that is just when you are starting to notice guys and hoping that they are noticing you.

I was very tall for my age, smart and unfortunately not part of the cool gang. I had friends, but nothing outstanding. I was teased for my height, my mouthpiece (torture device called a bionater to correct my over-bite.) and corrective shoes. I was a geek far, far, far before geek chic was a thing.

I used food as a shield every time I felt embarrassed, lonely or anxious about things….my weight went up. Add to this a growing feeling that the men (read my father and step-father) had rejected me and I didn’t have a great opinion of men or the opportunity to have any kind of lasting relationship in my life…by the end of high school I was bitter, ultra-feminist with an axe to grind, and I didn’t care who knew it. This didn’t really reconcile with my recently found Christian faith…I will forever be grateful to a classmate in my Writer’s Craft class that pointed out the discrepancy between my actions and my faith. It was time for a change!

There were many prayer and tear filled nights to get me to the point where I could forgive the hurts in my life…God is good, and there has been healing and forgiveness far beyond what I would be capable on my own. I now craved an intimate relationship, marriage, children and all that creating a family entailed…when would that come? I felt that surely I couldn’t go through all that just to remain single….could I?

God kept me waiting…there were some lessons in there that I grudgingly learned. Then it happened, suddenly and without any warning…I fell in love. We had a whirl-wind romance, very out of character for me, 6 months from first meeting to our wedding day. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary!

The purpose of this is to tell you that I have ALWAYS felt beautiful, loved, desired and sexy when I am with him…he makes it a point to tell me those things. Never once has my husband been anything other then supportive of me as I am, or in all the cazy eating plans I have ventured onto before. I truly believe that it is his support that has brought me to the place I am today. Ready to tackle the challenges of losing 50 kgs, and the best part…he is walking along side me. He is my perfect match, and I thank God for him every day.