To the Son Whose Father Won’t Love Him

I know it’s confusing at times how someone you so wanted to admire and be able to be like in life has fallen so short of what you hoped. You longed for a strong father that others spoke highly of, that spent time with you, which others respected—so that you could learn from them how to be a man. It’s completely wrong of them not to be the father you need.

Sometimes people won’t step up to the person God has called them to be in our lives. They will deny the calling to be a good parent. They will make excuses about why they can’t be the one thing that God clearly planned for them to be: your father.

It happened to me.

When they won’t do that, know this: they are choosing to be selfish. They are choosing the easy road instead of the road that’s right. They will blame it on lots of reasons, maybe even try to blame you. But it’s their job to be there for you. To make a close relationship with you.

It’s in no way your fault.

It might make you angry, or frustrated, or just very very sad. He’s your father after all. The man who’s supposed to show you the way through life. But, the sad truth is that many people in our lives will fail us. Some parents will deny their role.

When they do that, we can make a choice too. We can choose to accept that they have failed us. And choose to not let it define who we are or who we will be in this life. We can choose to be a good person, who makes good choices. A person to be proud of.

Jesus lost his earthly father as well. Not out of a refusal to be in his life, as you’ve experienced, but he lived without him just the same. We don’t know the specific details, but during the most trying part of his life and ministry, his father wasn’t there to guide him, give him advice, or walk with him through it all.

He turned to God the Father instead. The Father he’d been building a relationship with since childhood. The One he’d been taught to pray to by his mother. The One he’d seen for himself through nature as he played outside.

And you know what? God the Father showed up. To lead him. To teach him. To love him.

He’ll do the same for you.

The truth is that so many men struggle to understand faith. I don’t know if it’s pride, or confusion, or simply not being exposed to godly men. But, they are looking in all the wrong places. We all have access to the Father who will show us through life. We just have to reach out to Him.

He’s waiting for you to do that.

It’s a sign of great strength, as a young man, to admit that there is a God that is greater than you, who you should listen to, talk to about your direction in life, and learn from so that you can discover the plan He had in mind for you.

It’s a really really good plan.

While your father may have fallen short, your Father never will. He’s given you everything you need to know about being a man in the Bible. There are lots of examples of godly men—not perfect men—that let Him lead them. Go there when you get confused. Learn all you can about Him.

He is strong.

He is wise.

He is kind.

He is loving.

He honors women.

He loves and protects children.

He fights for what is right.

He serves others above Himself.

Don’t listen to the lies the enemy will try to make you believe:

That you aren’t enough

That you are weak because you don’t have anyone to lead you

That you are just like your father and will make the same mistakes

That you won’t succeed without two parents in your home

That if your own father won’t love you, no one will

Don’t listen to those lies. Because you DO have a Father who loves you and is proud of you. A Father that knows you better than anyone in this world ever can. A Father ready to show you how to be the man he intended you to be.

Even God is awestruck by the fact that your father could do that. Because He sees you. He knows the true you.

He knows your amazing heart

He knows the amount of love you have ready to share

He knows the strength inside of you

He knows the incredible man you will one day become

He knows how lucky your children will one day be to have you as a father

Choose to get to know that Father. Learn to understand how He truly sees you, because His opinion of you is the only one that matters.

Set yourself free from the way your father has chosen to see you. God the Father cannot lie. He is the definition of truth. So what He says about you, what He thinks about you, and what He sees in you is the absolute truth about you.

Strive to be like that Father. Show the world the man He had in mind all along.

Dear Laura, Thank you for your comments about divorce and the conference you attended. Your words are very encouraging. I am married, but I am not sure how much longer …my husband and I have been married 34 years and gift een of those years I have struggled greatly with his breaking boundaries with at least one other woman. He met her at work in a Christian business when things were crazy at home & I found it impossible to be enough for everyone. My sister died and I took in her son. I madethe mistake of not asking my husband if this was okay with him. My husband was already well acquainted with the woman; they were going out to lunch during their break at work, he was buying her lunch & I told him I was not okay with that, his normal Godly attitude regarding jokes, conversation had begun to take on a brusque, brash and sometimes quite filthy attitude. She had been married previously and wanted her former husband back but he didn’t want her back. My husband became deeply into depressed, but would not go to the ER to be checked into the psych ward, but then he told him to go & then suddenly he is willing to go, so he sets it up with the other woman for her to come over& watch the 5 kids. I was not happy with their planning this out, instead of him allowing me to go witj him upon checkin. I was headed out the door & she asks me wjat time I will be back, so she has time to go see him…red flags flying all over the place! I asked him what their relationship was & he said she was his emotional support and he refused to take her off the call list so she was allowed to call him & Visit him against my wishes. From this beginning of their relationship there have been quite a few times where I catch him again & again in contact with her behind my back & when I catch him in lies & it is obious that it has been sexual from the beginning, he won’t admit it and he cuts. He will take kitchen knives to his car and cut his legs or arms & covers the cuts with clothing. I have been setting aside $ so I can get out soon. We have bills I cannot afford to pay alone. Our oldest son died in 2009 & I specifically asked my husband not to allow her to come to the funeral..and he did. I was the last one out of the front row & literally felt like I was going to fall over…my husband left without me & as I got to the back doors of the sanctuary she was there & my husband went to her, hugged her & then went to assist with our son’s casket. I let him know that I felt no support from him that day. Several years brfore our
son’s death he told both boys “If the money had been available I would have left years ago.” They both were very hurt by this. Most recently, my husband came home from a business trip & asked me if I was going to be up when he got in late. I told him yes and I was. He likes to wind down by playing solitaire on his laptop so after unpacking he went downstairs. His cellphone vibrated at 12:15am & it was upstairs with me so I looked at it. There was an emoji of a woman lying on a bed in a robe with a cloud that said “I’ve got you on my mind”. …so obvious this is sexual!! Then he lied about going to her house & then fought me for th pc when I saw there were messages from her. All this to say, I know I need to file for divorce. Most of the kids are out of the house. It’s the slowness that I am afraid of, not having a lot of friends is not that big of a deal when I have family all around me. I also love to go to the women’s conferences! They likely will take on a different role in my life once we split. God Bless! I will keep you in my prayers & I welcome any advice you have for me.