The Real Issues and How to Address Them

66 Comments

It is amazing because the individual in my life is not a typical person that others would others may see as my type. Our eating habits are completely different, but at the same time we feed off one another. We both introduce each other to other types of food.

I think one of the main things that is difficult to do while focusing on losing weight is to remember to keep the other priorities in our lives, including a significant relationship. This involves working on communication and finding ways to show them you care about them regardless their weight or your changing weight. Change is difficult for everyone. Especially for those in significant relationships. It will just take the same or more time to reassure one another and get to know each other now that habits and lifestyles are changing. Cut your partner some slack. You are not perfect. They are not perfect. Love is a choice that needs to be made in ever moment and every situation, no matter how much they "deserve" it. Imagine if you put even a fraction of the effort you are currently putting into losing weight into improving your marriage communication skills at the same time. It is easy to confuse self love with selfishness if you are new to it. Take some time to figure out which is which, and it may be different in every relationship, because every relationship is different. Seek wise counsel. Reflect and practice empathy. And then act intentionally. Don't let losing weight cause you to lose something even more precious.

My husband is very supportive, but reminds me not to lose all my curves, as he prefers women to look like women. (I'm 5'2, and when I start going under 135 - which is NOT skinny, he always gets a little paranoid!) My Mom on the other hand, is constantly asking me about my weight or bringing over candy, cookies, etc. She will say it's for my kids - but they don't need a 5 pound bag of Twizlers either!

I am currently pregnant with our 5th baby at almost 26 weeks & it's KILLING my Mom that I won't tell her how much I've gained so far (16 lbs.) Then she will remind me that the most she gained with me or my brothers was 15 pounds. (She also chained smoked, had wine, and drank coffee like it was going out of style, but I guess everyone did back then!)

She a little chunky, too, so I guess it comes from her own insecurities. But I must confess, I'm getting a little tired of it!

If you feel that those around you are attempting to sabotage your efforts, ask yourself this: How obnoxious have I become? You make changes to your eating habits and lifestyle, and these things generally shouldn't effect others, even if you live with them, unless you're overzealous.

It's possible that they're the problem, it's true, but...could it also be that you're acting like a pragmatic jerk?

This seems ridiculous. A couple has the best form of exercise available to them? It's not like tedium ad nauseum of the treadmill or some, is it? Should be enjoyable by both and as to what the world thinks, who cares?!!!!!!!!!!

It shouldn't be a problem. I mean if is indeed your partner then why for the love of god will he get get upset because i have to lose some weight? From my point of view this should strengthen the relationship not hurting it. If you have someone that really care for you then he should come with, at least, emotional support.

The line between help and sabotage can be a fine one as well. When my DH decides to lose weight, it's typically by skipping meals, eating an ultra-low-calorie diet or doing something else drastic. If I encourage him to make healthier choices it seems like I'm trying to derail him, when in fact I just know that what he's doing WILL backfire (like it has for the last 20 years). He's not severely overweight like I was but does want to lose some weight, just not like that! We're both healthcare professionals so it always surprises me that he doesn't take his own advice; he would never tell a patient to do what he does... SMH...

I definitely see my weight loss possibly ruining my marriage. I feel bad about it because I feel like I am mostly to blame. I met my wife back in college. At that time I was maybe 15 pounds overweight. I had always had horrible eating habits and ate too much since my parents are both fat and I learned my eating habits from them. Before I met my wife she was fat. We met soon after she had lost a bunch of weight. She was a petite redhead with a good body (despite the fact that she didn't exercise) at that time. We fell in love and together we grew obese. My bad eating habits made it very easy to fall back into her bad eating habits. About the only thing my wife and I have in common is that we like to go out to eat and we like to get drunk. Any other hobbies or interests we pretty much pursued on our own, but drinking and going out to eat are about the only things we did together. My wife is also a pack a day smoker. I am a former cigar smoker. As an aside, I never set out to give up cigars, just that as I became more ito healthy living, the urge to smoke just wasn't there, and time I used to spend lounging around puffing away at a cigar is time I now spend working out.

So fast forward 20 years. We are both obese and suffering from health problems. My wilfe also suffers from depression and fibromyalgia. I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick ansd tired, so I got off my fat, lazy butt, and did something about it. I dropped nearly 50 pounds and started working out regularly. At 200 pounds, I may still be technically fat, but I am in the best shape I have been in since my 20's! My wife on the other hand, has done nothing. This has created problems in our relationship. Since I am counting my calories, getting drunk every weekend and going out to eat often are out of the question. So now we have absolutely no "together" interests. I suggested making healthy living our together hobby, and that met with luke warm reception. So I basically just spend much of my free time alone. All she wants to do is sit at home and watch TV if we are not out drinking/eating. Our sex life is also terrible. Haven't done it in over two years! Because of my weight and high blood pressure, I just could not rise to the occasion and I was too easily winded for sex. She has issues as well. We also haven't slept in the same bed for about the same amount of time. This was due to my sleep apnea, snoring, and insomnia keeping here awake all night. Finally she could no longer stand it and banished me to the couch. Between the seperate lives, no sex, and not even sleeping together, I feel like my wife of 20 years is more like a room mate. Since I have dropped weight my sleep problems are pretty much gone. Yet, I have still not been invited back in the bedroom. But what makes me feel like a real horrible person is that I no longer find my wife to be physically attractive. She is obese and I don't find that attractive. She has also let herslf go in other ways as well-no makeup, shabby clothes, messy hair, etc. When I was at my fattest, I was the same way. I let my personal hygeine go, grew long hair and a long beard, and my clothes-well I am embarrassed that I actually went out in public dressed the way I was. Since I have slimmed down, I ditched the beard and got a buzz cut. I also ditched the worn out fat clothes and bought new clothes that were in good shape and fit properly. For the first time in YEARS, I actually care about how I look. But unfortunately, I also care about how my wife looks. I let it slip out during an argument and she told me that I am very shallow. When I told her that I want to look good for her, she said she didn't care. She said I could weigh 450 pounds and she would love me as much as ever. I feel like such a horrible and worthless human being because I honestly don't feel the same way about her. I love her, but I am not in lust with her. It's the way I feel. I know several middle aged women who are really into fitness. They have hot bodies and look very good for their age. That's the kind of woman I want to be with. I want a partner who is as committed to healthy living as I am. I know I can't change another person, but I fear that if my wife doesn't come around eventually, I may have to look elsewhere-finding a woman who is the kind of woman I want rather than trying to make my wife into that woman.

This is so true. I'm now in a happy relationship, but one of my earlier ones which eventually broke up after 18 months had these issues creep in and gradually get worse. In a sense, I think it was a good thing because given our respective attitudes towards getting fit and living healthy, we were probably always going to get on each others' nerves! My key takeaway from your post is to set my own goals and targets for fat loss and stick to them, rather than let someone else impose their idea of what should be good for me. This relaxed and proactive choice means I'm more motivated to stick to my diet and exercise regimen than if it had been forced on me.

This is to 'Antiquity'. Honey, if he is a good man in all other areas just let it slide. By commenting in this way he is just showing his inner child a little by then thinking how he measures up. This is not bad just immature. Extremely common! If a person studies communication skills they realize that the need to let people have their moment is important but you might just have to discuss this with him in a nonthreatening way and he might get it, if not right away then in a while.

I'm pretty lucky in that my partner is in-shape and at a healthy weight himself, so he is great for doing outdoorsy activities with and is supportive of me being active and healthy. However, he is naturally slim and doesn't have a need to watch his food intake at all. I have warned him (somewhat jokingly!) that once his youthful metabolism becomes more sluggish, I will teach him all about weighing out his portion sizes! But for now, it can be hard because he simply doesn't understand what amounts I need for weight loss, and sees my portions as small or asks, "Is that all you're eating?" when I have a perfectly balanced meal. Despite that, I had an awesome moment with him the other day when I worried aloud about food over an upcoming holiday we were going on, and he said quite genuinely, "Bring your scale with you!" Aww, he's learning. =)

I haven't used this site in so long, but this article gave me pause for thought.

My husband has recently taken an interest in losing weight after he watched me successfully lose and keep off 40lbs in the past 2 years. We have had our ups and downs over that time, but my main frustration is that every time I make progress or achieve something, he always has to tell me how great he's doing too. It's honestly a little upsetting. He can't just let me have my moment.

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