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Monday, April 7, 2014

Sexy Cycling Accessories

In the last week, a number of readers have forwarded articles about some rather saucy new bicycle accessories.

The first one is a vibrating saddle, made by a British (sex) toy company, that allows the rider to get more full enjoyment from their cycling. As they proudly state on their website: “Take your cycling to greater pleasurable heights”.

Accessories like this allow a much broader range of people to derive sexual stimulation from their bicycles. In the past it was limited to a much more particular crowd.

Deriving sexual pleasure from bicycles is no longer restricted to aficionados of handmade bicycle exotica.

The Happy Ride saddle features a discreet control panel hidden in the back that allows the rider to adjust it to their preferred level of stimulation. Of course, there are other, less discreet, “pleasure saddles” out there, but unfortunately they make it a little more difficult to adjust your seat height.

The second saucy bike accessory that’s come to my attention is an innovative new set of bicycle lights, called Double O, which are currently in the funding stage on Kickstarter.

Generally, you wouldn’t make any connection between bicycle lights and sex, unless you are running the handlebar mount attachment for your Fleshlight.

The Fleshlight's convenient handlebar mount allows you to take pleasure to the road or trail.

The name in itself, Double O, already contains a sneaky little double entendre, but in addition, these lights have been designed by a man called Paul Cocksedge (no double entendre necessary) and rather conspicuously resemble a range of different vibrating sexual enhancement accessories.

You really have to wonder whether Cocksedge might be a stage name from a previous career in the porn business and whether these lights are just a crossover product aimed to bridge the gap between the sex toy and bicycle accessory markets.

Anyway, all smut aside, the Double O’s do seem like a practical product worthy of crowd-funding. And if you pledge £10 or more, you can look forward to a “personalised thank you card signed by Paul Cocksedge.”

The lights also include “…neodymium-grade magnets inside to make them really strong.”

In fact, the magnets that hold these lights in place on their brackets are robust enough to withstand the extensive Double O field testing regime – which involves riding down a short flight of stairs on a rigid commuter bike.

Some quick research reveals that “neodymium magnets" are the same type of magnets commonly found in headphones, guitar pickups, computer hard disks and electric motors. But, I guess “neodymium magnet” does sound a lot more impressive than “regular old magnet”.

Once you disengage the neodymium (regular) magnets, the two lights clip together allowing them to be locked with your bike. And while there is no mention of the crossover application as a sexual pleasure toy, if you use your imagination, it’s really not that much of a stretch.

These pleasure-themed bicycle accessories could be seen by some as just another example of how the once pure sport of cycling has descended in to an inescapable pit of gratuitous smut and filth. There was a time when cycling was not about sex – it was about hard men, suffering, drugs and cheating.

Cycling’s storied and noble history includes incidents (as reported in The Guardian) from the 1904 Tour de France where “Riders were punished for skulduggery including taking shortcuts and using cars and trains. Others, such as race favourite Maurice Garin, were beaten up by their rivals' supporters.”

“Tales of riders seeking chemical assistance began to make the news in the 1920s when brothers Francis and Henri Pélissier (the 1923 Tour winner) boasted to a journalist that they had "cocaine to go in our eyes, chloroform for our gums, and do you want to see the pills? We keep going on dynamite.””

But regardless of how smutty you think these types of bike accessories are, they can in no way compare with some of the items that car manufacturers are now specifying on their vehicles.

As reported on the RACV website, the new Mercedes S-Class interior features include an “armrest cum drink holder”.

Apparently the cum drink holder included in the Mercedes Benz new S-350 is also suitable for other bodily fluid beverages.

The inclusion of this accessory in no way implies that anybody who drives a Mercedes is a wanker, however if you are, then this means an end to those annoying accidents that can so easily occur when precariously clasping your cum drink between your thighs. There’s certainly nothing worse than a cum drink spillage to ruin your “large sumptuous seats with plenty of bolstering”.

If Paul Cocksedge’s range of crossover accessories continue to grow within the bicycle market, then hopefully it won’t be too long before the cum drink holder is also available for bikes.