George Will: I am a truck.

Our remonstrations are annoying to George Will. We are thoroughly full of shit. Never before in all his 72 years have the hippies protested anything or held a demonstration.

It may be more amusing than consequential.

We could carve that on his tombstone. Burnish it in the peach fuzz on his ass. Alternatively this: “Caligula Wears a Bow Tie.”

Americans who exercise consumer sovereignty wherever Barack Obama still tolerates it are constantly disappointing him. For generations they persisted in buying what he calls “substandard” policies from what he calls “bad apple” health insurers. They stopped only when he forced them to stop — when he rescued them from their ignorance by banning their benighted preferences.

Last year all you could afford was a $10,000-deductible insurance policy. When you bought it, that was an expression of your “sovereignty.” Freedumb! This year, for the same price, a $1500-deductible policy became available. And this was your undoing, I take it. The second policy equals bad, somehow. Or is George Will a blockhead?

Have consumers thanked him for trying to wean them from their desire to drive large, useful, comfortable, safe vehicles that he thinks threaten their habitat, Earth?

Their habitat. Like we’re a bunch of zoo animals.

Christ what an asshole.

The 2013 numbers tell the tale of their ingratitude. In 2013, for the 32nd consecutive year, the best-selling vehicle was Ford’s F-Series pickups.

That’s what your mom wants to drive, right? A truck. Perfect for commuting, Sunday drives and picnics. It’s summertime, and we’re going upstate with the dogs lashed down in the bed. Oops there goes Frisky.

But let us play George’s silly game, shall we? You Stoopid Hippies, The Market Is What Decides:

Even with SUV and crossover utility vehicles sales surging, the average fuel efficiency of new vehicles sold in August set a new high for the U.S., according to a new report…

“I am not surprised that overall fuel economy is improving,” says Sivak, who has been tracking fuel efficiency for the last six years. “Buyers are selecting more fuel-efficient vehicles within each class of vehicles.”

In case snotface can’t read:

Fuel efficiency is a decades-long buying trend. A market behemoth. If you want to make a mint, offer the American consumer an economical car. Couldn’t be any clearer. And only a mothballed Ford F-150 would be considered a “comfortable, safe vehicle.” Friends, thinking about maybe getting your head torn off in an automobile accident? Well, then, you should think about getting yourself a CO2-brapping pile of steel:

Take a vehicle’s Insurance Institute for Highway Safety score, throw it into a data pot that includes Consumer Reports ratings, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration crash safety results and J.D. Power’s Initial Quality Study numbers, mix thoroughly, then pour out the most dangerous vehicle on the road today: The Ram pickup truck.

The website 24/7 Wall St. created this analysis to reveal the models with consistent quality problems and poor safety scores. All of the vehicles scored poorly in one area or another in crash testing, typically side or rear impact tests. They all scored badly in rollover testing, except the Jeep Wrangler.

Mobile coffins. A truck, a bigger truck, an SUV, a bigger SUV, a huge SUV, a Suzuki, and a Jeep. George Will is brilliant. If this isn’t the best of all possible worlds (it is not).

Liberals try to gag the pundit with their Hyundai Utopias, but he isn’t swallowing. American glory will not be satisfied with such sexless, academic petitions. The shrunken Prius, the flaccid Tesla. A clitoral Fiat. Hear him: NO! The trucking brute! Vrooom! Smelly and Manly! Overlarge, overpriced, to beat you at the gas pump and put you in the hospital. ‘Tis George Will! WISHING.