Friday, September 09, 2011

MY FIRST BIG GAY UPSTATE BACHELOR PARTY

Our state fair is a great state fair.By Kevin Michael Murphy(Actor-Voice Teacher)

When one hears the phrase "gay bachelor party" one thinks of a number of things.

Strippers

Gay marriage is legal in New York...yay!

Midget strippers

So, when my oldest friend in the world told me we would be celebrating his pending nuptials with a trip to the New York State Fair, I had some questions.

New York has a state fair?

Have you become a hick?

What about the strippers?

Contrary to popular belief, I don't know much about cows, pigs, and tractor pulls. Before this weekend, my knowledge of state fairs was limited toCharlotte's Web, the R&H movie musical "State Fair," and the episode of Oprah where her and Gayle go to the Texas State Fair and eat fried butter.

Having experienced The Fair, I now consider myself an expert on all State Fairs, and will spend the following blog post convincing you why you should choose your state's fair as the destination for your next gay bachelor party.

Where else can you rent a scooter and drive it by a giant blowup ice cream cone? Nowhere, that's where.

The Fair, located in Syracuse, NY, is setup like a poor man's Epcot Center. There are a variety of pavilions separated by interest. As you enter, you are herded and counted.

Then, I suggest going right to the dairy exhibit. Don't be distracted by flashy signs tempting you with delicacies, you'll have plenty of time to eat later!

For a mere 25 cents you can go to the Rainbow Milk bar and try the freshest, coldest, most delicious milk you've ever had. While enjoying your beverage which comes in a complimentary "I Love Milk" cup, you are then herded towards the main attraction: the butter sculpture.

This sculpture made entirely out of butter was made to promote healthy eating habits for children. (i.e. not eating butter)

Wacky Photo Op #1

While on the subject of sculpture, every year they also have a sand sculpture over at the Center of Progress.This year was a rather impressive one in honor of the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.

While you are in the "Center of Progress" you can also get your shoes shined, watch a demonstration of the Slap Chop, and learn about Jesus. Do not pick up a free silly band from the "Right to Life" table. They are shaped like fetuses. Regardless of your beliefs, fetus shaped silly bands are still pretty creepy.

As you then exit the pavilion, be careful:

Then make a pit stop for Wacky Photo Op #2:(Me, Ray, and Dan...the grooms)

While there will be a lot of discoveries made at the state fair, none will be as great as the one you are about to see.Who has two thumbs and loves wine slushies...this guy.

While enjoying your frosty adult beverage, do the following things:

Feed an animal you've never heard of at the petting zoo.

Ride a camel.

Check out the cast of Julie Taymor's next musical.

Crack jokes at the expense of the world's smallest horse.

Stop and eat something. It will be fried. My favorite thing I saw was a fried bacon wrapped Snickers bar. I, however, opted for pulled pork nachos instead. If you have vegan friends, kindly request they don't attend, because they will starve. After you eat, you will feel sick. Have another wine slushie. It won't make you feel better, but it will be delicious. Then:

Go visit the cows. There may or may not be an adorable child sleeping in their poopKick the cow poop off of your flip flop, pretend you aren't a stuck up metropolitan type, and look around:

Then leave because those cows smell horrible, and take Wacky Photo Op #3(Celebrating Inappropriate lady mid-drift)While participating in the ancient sport of people watching, do not sing the Tailspin theme song to passerby furries.

Then feel bad for making fun of the fair people. One of the few things that will make you feel better is perhaps this goat that looks like it's a member of the KKK.

You'll try to make friends with some of the upstate locals by cracking an "Aida" joke...they won't get it.The gods really do love Nubia.

You will then spend some of the best moments of your adult life contemplating the existence of llamas.

The people in your group are starting to get tired. While you've only seen a fraction of what the New York State Fair has to offer, their inebriation will force you to say goodbye.

You won't get to meet this tiny lady.

You won't get to ride the pretty horses.

You won't get to daydream about a high concept production of "Kiss of the Spiderwoman"

You come to the fair a jaded New Yorker, but you leave the fair a jaded New Yorker who got to spend a hilarious day you'll never forget with some of your best friends in the world.

What's better than that? Nothing...

Except maybe some albino midget strippers.

KEVIN MICHAEL MURPHYis a voice teacher at NYU Steinhardt in addition to having his own studio in Midtown, Manhattan. Kevin is also the creator/host of the critically acclaimed concert series "If It Only Even Runs a Minute," and can be found hosting his weekly show, "The Village Gate's Old Fashioned Piano Party" every Sunday at the Gallery at Le Poisson Rouge. Kevin is also an actor, having appeared in a bunch of Off-Bway, NYMF, Fringe, and workshop productions.www.TakeNYCVoiceLessons.comEMAIL HIM/HER | FACEBOOK | TWITTER | OTHER POSTS BY THIS AUTHOR