John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Time is not an action, it can’t make you feel better. (Published 6/24/2014)

Q:

My dad died seven months ago, and my uncle died in December. I am really lost right now. I cry all the time and I never want to go anywhere. What should I do?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Paradise,

Thanks for your note and question.

Let’s start with the fact that you are trying to deal with the emotional impact of two recent deaths of people who we’d guess were very important to you. Either one of their deaths is enough to affect you in terms of feeling lost, crying, and not wanting to go out, etc. Those are very normal and natural reactions to those powerful losses.

Just knowing that you’re normal should help you a little. And even though that may be valuable to know, it’s not quite enough.

We want to make sure that you realize that even though we alluded to time when we said the deaths are recent, that doesn’t mean that we think that time will heal your broken heart. Time is not an action, it can’t make you feel better.

The key to feeling better after major losses is learning and taking the actions of recovery that can help you feel emotionally complete with the people who have died.

In order to do that, we suggest that you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you will find your pain and sadness diminishing, and a desire and ability to start participating more fully in life again.