Post navigation

It wasn’t always like this

Let’s rewind to almost a year ago.

I had been working two jobs- a freelance client opportunity and a full time “mundane” office job in downtown Los Angeles. After years of trying to make it (between freelance and temporary contract jobs amongst other life matters) I found myself not only capable of doing it, but doing a fantastic job at that.

So much so that I had saved and had no worry or care when my then boss at the time tempted not give me time off to spend my 30th with my best friend in Seattle.

I had conquered a mountain of debt, spent several thousand dollars in investments into personal matters and was thriving. I had worked hard and it was finally paying off. This was a milestone moment and I was going to take it. Thankfully it was approved and off I was on my first real vacation trip on my own in ages.

Something curious about the time? I was also single.

Sure I had gone out on a few dates here and there but it wasn’t anything major. Hell, it was one of those experiences that had it’s magical moments but we both knew we weren’t ready or able to give the other the fairy tale happily ever after tale at the end.

When I left for Seattle for that trip last May I didn’t have a real care in the world.

I was whole.

I was complete.

I had no one but I felt like I was everyone.

I was awesome.

It was all going to be alright because I made it alright.

I was enough.

And it was absolutely amazing.

When I think about how far I’ve come from that, and how far I was before I got there in the first place, it’s kind of difficult to wallow in sadness for too long. Yes, I’ve had probably a million moments of sadness. I know that there likely will be more where that came from. But there will also be that many moments of joy.

I learned that magic isn’t just something that exists in this world, but it’s created. It’s an internal choice. It’s an external mission. It’s often great shared (and sharing I would find is also its own process at times, especially in the dark hours) but… it’s also great when it’s not.

In Seattle I spent my time primarily with Jo. We had a blast talking about the past. About the moment when I couch surfed at her place when I had a bump in the road. About how we missed being roommates. About the silly stupid stuff that best friends talk about and miss when they are miles apart physically.

However that trip taught me so much about what companionship was and balance that…

The day I arrived we were to meet up with a few of her friends who were also in town. The night was amazing. I hadn’t previously met these women but they treated me like they had known me for years. It was heartwarming. A reminder that strangers are just people waiting to be friends.

And then there was that last day. With that trip, as with the next that followed, the last day would be my day. It was to be treated completely at my whim. The day was whatever I wanted.

The last day was always the best day.

On my rush to the airport that day I ended up on the train where an old man started talking to me. We talked about being strangers. We talked about the town. We talked about destinations and the future.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked me.

“No.” I said with a laugh.

“Why not?”

“I don’t need one.” I said with a smile.

For all those times when things are hard, this post is to remember that day. It might feel like ages away but it really isn’t. A person is capable of going farther than they would imagine. No matter what the hardships… no matter how bad it seems like it could possibly be (and it was pretty bad), it can always get worse. Or…. it can get better. You just have to suck it up and believe.