Advice From a Single Girl

Just me. Thinking thoughts, living life, figuring it out as I go along.
And, no, I don't really know what I'm talking about.

Friday, 31 July 2015

Mawwage

So C-Dawg done got married. To a guy I swear she just met the other day. Really. Maybe? Apparently not. (Go figure.)

The entire thing was lovely and perfect and I didn't think I'd be all that emotional but when I saw her coming down the aisle (even though I'd spent all day with her and seen her in her dress all afternoon) I couldn't hold it back. It was seeing how happy she looked and knowing how happy she is with her relationship and her now husband!

The food was excellent, the venue was beautiful, the speeches were sweet (including mine, whew!) and everyone looked gorgeous/handsome.

I was nervous that morning, and super nervous about my speech and then nervous about the ceremony but I needn't have been. Not long after the ceremony I crashed pretty hard. I'm guessing it was all the adrenaline and excitement leaving my body, I could have gone to sleep before dinner even started!

It wasn't a late night, which worked for everyone and I got to take them to their honeymoon/night of wedding place after.

I then went straight home to wash off the makeup and eyelashes and to pull the 41 bobby pins out of my hair! Forty one! Wowza!

I couldn't fall asleep that night until past two, but was wide awake the next day at seven so it was a pretty slow day for me.

C-Dawg is happy, her hubby is happy, and I don't think any of us could have asked for a better experience.

I've laid super low this week, feeling pretty drained, but the long weekend approaches here and I'm hoping to have some nice outside times if I can find co-conspirators.

I also have to get myself back into my blogging habits as my brain seems to have forgotten how to make stories to share, but I also have a few weeks away coming up so August may be a bit sparse if I don't get my pre-written game going!

Hope all is well on your end and if you're in Canada you enjoy your August long weekend. Oh, and the "blue moon" full moon tonight too. Cool beans man.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Commonalities

C-Dawg's getting married this weekend and we had a girls' evening out earlier this week to celebrate.

At one point over dinner, the ladies started talking about their birth stories. (One of the gals is a fairly new Mom and someone was asking her how it went and it all just snowballed from there.)

It's a strange experience, to sit at a table of people all around your age and to not be able to relate to something they all have in common.

It didn't upset me particularly, it was just weird. Odd.

I felt somewhat similar when I was hanging out with Jason after work last week and his buddy came over and started talking cars. I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation and so didn't hang around.

But this time? It wasn't just that I had nothing to add to the conversation it was that added piece of somehow feeling left out or different or not in on some "women of a certain age" secret club or something.

Or a not so secret club I guess. But yeah. That was a little bit of a mind bending moment.

I was the only woman there who has not given birth and is not raising a child or children.

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Just the Facts, Man

Because they amuse me, I thought I'd share with you the titles and maybe some of the content of some of the spam emails I get this week. So.... drum roll please.... here are lines that someone, somewhere, thinks will attract the attention of some guy somewhere.

(I shall edit the naughtiest words to keep the strange google searches away! And, yes, I opened these emails just for you. Such is the depth of my commitment to your amusement and entertainment!)

Spam 4: Title: Urgent InstaSex Notification. Message highlight: Naughty b*tch needs to be accused in the a$$. Accused? In the bottom? LOL. And? They supplied the dollar signs for the bum word. Wouldn't want to offend anyone with their spam after all!

Monday, 20 July 2015

Slipping, Slipping, Slipping

Realizing it's the twentieth of July makes me scratch my head somewhat. But, I'm enjoying the summer days so not complaining that time keeps on moving forward.

I had a busy weekend this weekend. Assisted Jason on three different shoots, and managed to get through the return of the heat.

Did a lot of sorting and cleaning in my place too, which always feels good. I have a hard time getting rid of t-shirts though. It's not that I wear them, but so many of them have a sentimental attachment of some kind that I just can't seem to part with. But... then they're taking up space in my not so large place and, well, if I'm not wearing them and not even looking at them... why keep them, eh?

I feel like I should go through some of the boxes I have stuffed in the back of my closet but I know I did that within the last year or so and there's probably not a whole lot more to do at this point. Maybe before I move next time. I mean, assuming I will. (Odd thought, really.)

Sorting through some thoughts too, and hoping some better thought patterns can be learned.

Got frustratingly hooked on a tv show that I honestly don't really enjoy all that much but the drama keeps bringing me back. Ugh.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Awkward

I am, as we know, overly sensitive to not wanting to upset people. Often, especially strangers. Which maybe makes it even weirder. Or certainly more frustrating on my end... anyway...

I was buying groceries earlier this week and the person serving me was a young woman. Early twenties maybe. A bigger woman, with glasses and a ponytail. And a name tag that said James.

And I wanted to ask her about her name. Because James is a cool name for a girl and maybe there's a cool story about why she was given it.

But then I thought I shouldn't ask. Because maybe she's in transition and James will be her name. Or maybe... I don't know. Maybe she would have thought I was incredibly rude to ask?

Or, really, maybe she forgot her name tag and just grabbed a random one. Or maybe her name just looks like James and is pronounced some other way or maybe I'd offend James by asking gender related questions.

Argh. And ugh. I just wanted to know what the deal was. But I couldn't think of a way to ask that wouldn't potentially upset or make me seem rude.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Yay!

Friday, 10 July 2015

You Know...

I went to the doctor yesterday for my yearly checkup, and I have to say, we have it really good here. I have it really good.

Yes, I pay into a health benefits program, but even if I didn't, this visit wouldn't have cost me anything. The doctor's visit is covered by my province and the system that is set up here. Sure, the argument could be made that my taxes pay for it, but I just mean, it didn't cost me anything out of pocket today to go to the doctor.

Who checked me out for anything and everything and checked my lady parts and any moles I was suspicious about and my reflexes and blood pressure and eyes and asked me about all of everything from sleep to anxiety and you name it, she asked. And checked.

And then she renewed my prescriptions, which, yes, I'll have to pay for but my work situation allows me to have extended benefits that will give me some of that cost back.

And then she sent me for blood work to check everything and that didn't cost me either. I just had them take my bloodwork and it's done and I just feel really lucky.

I have a friend who's struggling with not having steady income right now. And this friend doesn't have benefits like I do and the disparity is shocking.

I am so lucky. So very lucky.

I am lucky that I can "dislike" going to the dentist and it costs me either very little or nothing at all due to my work situation. I have the ability to complain about getting a filling. Not everyone can. And I'm grateful that I can.

I'm lucky that I have a doctor that I can go to freely and get free, good care from.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

Who's That Knock, Knock, Knocking On My Window.... Sill?

I thought it might have been raining the other evening, because there was a strange noise my brain couldn't quite place happening somewhere outside.

It was close, but I couldn't tell how close as sometimes things echo.

I kept listening because a small part of me was concerned that it might be the popping of a small fire starting and we are having major problems with fires in our province right now and I wanted to make sure it wasn't that.

But I didn't see anything out the window, and the noise didn't increase and it wasn't continual enough and I just tried to ignore the noise and figured it would go away.

And then I heard it again yesterday after work.

Still couldn't tell what it was and then I saw a wasp fly away.

Ahhhhhh...... it all clicked into place.

And sure enough, another wasp came by (or maybe the same one) and scrape, scrape, scraped away at the wood on the side of my window pane.

I've seen wasps doing this before with soft enough wood. My understanding is that they're chewing up the wood to help make their nest.

I tapped at the window a few times next time I saw one coming by but really it's not harming me (other than being a slightly irritating noise) and I don't feel like I want to stop them. But we shall see. Part of me wants to see what happens if I spray the wood with something like lime juice or something non toxic but maybe repellant.

Always interesting when nature reminds us we're not really in charge here.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Not An Update

As of today, I haven't heard a peep from that guy.

Which doesn't really bode well for a friendship, or anything beyond that.

When I stop to think about it I have to take the time to remind myself it has nothing to do with me. Whatever reason he has for not being in touch, I will never know unless he chooses to tell me so there's no point guessing. But man oh man do those un-supportive voices want to try to run away with the "awful things he must be thinking."

Yeah, no. Sorry voices. Go play somewhere else.

Stupid voices.

Still feels weird though. And reminiscent of the times I've gone on an internet meeting date and had them say "this was great, let's do it again" and then they drop off the face of the earth.

But, hey, thinking about that will give the voices and edge and let's not do that, ok?

Ok.

So, how's your Wednesday going anyway? Are you having a nice summer?

Ha! An update: About twelve hours after I typed this post up he messaged me. Sorry, I forgot about you! Hope all is well. My bad.

Ok. Shrug. (Not a terribly flattering thing to say gentlemen, by the way, but props for honesty I suppose?)

Can't be my washing machine, it's always in the belly button area. Rarely elsewhere, although I did find one hole in a shoulder.

Don't wear a belt. What is happening?

Ran my fingers over my buttons, they don't seem sharp... is it the pants .... corner edge? Is that somehow... I don't even know!

So basically anything that's t-shirt cottony type material has a small hole or two just a bit lower than my belly button area at the mid bottom area. (Bottom as in bottom of the shirt, not my bottom, ahem.)

I have no idea how or why it's happening so I have no idea how to stop it.

But I wish I knew what was going on because whenever I find a new hole I get annoyed. And I end up sewing them closed so they don't spread. Or something.

Monday, 6 July 2015

Hazy

The first year I went to Burning Man, there were extensive forest fires in California and at times, the smoke would make its way over the playa and there would be this slightly orange tinge to the light. It was a very specific colour; one I hadn't seen again until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday morning and my brain went "Burning Man."

Turns out, there are forest fires burning in and around this area and the smoke had become trapped in the low lying areas, including over this fair city.

I texted Connor. "Doesn't this look like playa light 2013?" Because it did. That orange haze. Subdued light.

On the playa, the sun eventually burned it away.

Yesterday... the sun, even though predicted to be a scorcher, didn't.

I went out to see the pride parade mid morning and it was apocalyptic.

Really.

The "light sensing" lights were on because it was as dark as dusk.

But orange. It was creepy. I'm sure those who are in town know just what I mean.

And it didn't burn off all day.

When I turned my lights on in the evening, you could see just how odd the light was. The contrast between the "normal" inside lights and how my brain knew it should look outside was striking.

I feel for those in the fire areas, it must be terrifying. I feel lucky to be able to complain about weird light and not be worrying about losing my home.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

A Mumbled Confession

I hung out with that guy again. (Vaguely complex story about him asking Jason for my number and Jason saying it wasn't his info to give out and telling me this and me going "oh" and telling Jason he should have and then anyway, yeah.)

We decided to go for a walk and sit at the beach and yes I had that nervousness that comes when I do something unfamiliar or go to spend time with someone I don't know well and that is amplified when it's a guy and a guy who some part of me has decided there is dating type... potential or something.

So I was all tightly tied up inside myself but trying not to be and we sat at the beach and talked about big things and I'd told Jason we were going to hang out and he said cool... say hi... don't think too much, you're just two cool people going to hang out. Oh, and don't talk about exes. No one wants to hear about that.

Right. I tried.

We talked and somehow got on to the topic of exes and it just got not fun.

I mean, it wasn't bad, I think the conversation just triggered some stuff for him and it just felt unhappy and then I felt bad that it felt this way and didn't know what to do with myself because I wasn't feeling comfortable and I don't know this guy, really, and new people are confusing because you don't know them and you don't know where they're coming from or their moods or energies or anything and I just want easy and calm in my life.

He apologized, insisted on walking me home and we hugged and parted ways. I felt bad. Bad because we had gotten into topics of conversation that had made us both feel off. And bad because I was already uncomfortable with the time with a new person and we weren't even particularly going on a "date" and now I was like what am I supposed to do or think here and why is it so complicated to be human sometimes?

I just want people in my life who are calm, loving, gentle, peaceful. Jason hasn't had a lot of that lately. I want a male in my life who has a similar calming affect on me that Jason has at times and that Jay had when we were in the same space. I suppose I thought that magically hanging out with a cool new person would instantly give me that feeling of calm and got an obvious reminder that it doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that I don't know him. We don't know each other. And on top of that, I don't let new people into my life particularly easily and I'm cautious and overthink and I don't know what "gut" to trust right now with people.... men in particular.

So anyway, I have no idea what I've said in this post.

Except that he texted me the next morning to ask me out for breakfast. Which I declined because of the whole "not wanting to eat" thing. And maybe a bit because I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone after my emotional week and the uncomfortable last little bit of conversation with him.

Friday, 3 July 2015

Oh

I had just sat down to write out this post that came into my head and I put on some music (which I don't normally do but I just discovered Imagine Dragons, so I'm given them a listen) and I got distracted by wanting to do something and so I put my computer aside but then I lost the urge and got distracted by something else and then by the time I came back to typing, I'd forgotten what it was exactly that I'd sat myself down to write about.

It was something along the lines of feeling on the edge of something.

Like if I could just lean a little further, or take a bigger bite or something that I just can't put my finger on the how of it...? It would be good. Not simple, necessarily, but a good, positive something I want to be or feel or know or something.

You know?

Just wanting to lean into it enough that the scales will tip into what's just right there.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

A Whine

So we know that my tummy isn't always a happy place, and I maybe sometimes spend too much time when it's upset trying to figure out what it is that's upsetting it with the theory I could avoid it next time.

Well, life since Friday has been a little unsettled, and the weather is also continuing to be warm, and there was a bug going through work a couple of weeks ago. So I don't know if it's nerves/upset/whatever emotional stuff or if it's the weather or Summer or just what, but I'm not wanting to eat and it's not fun. I've been eating as best I can but... yeah.

I also suspect it's mainly nerves and things not being calm and expected or however you put it. Un-grounded? And maybe a little bit the heat. But more the worry/unsettled feeling.

Which I think has something to do with work, and something to do with Friday's fellow and something to do with dragging out my Burning Man bin to go through it and just smelling that smell that to me means Burning Man and my brain running through what all that means in terms of the heat and the discomfort and yes how much I love it but also how difficult it is and sometimes I question why I'd put myself through that.... but I think that about travelling in general, really. I dunno.

Yeah.

Ok. Just wanted to whine about it. Sometimes a little whine can make things better.

About Me

Hi. My name is Victoria and this here's my blog. I started posting here in 2006 because I was writing anecdotes (to myself) in my head anyway, and I figured I may as well write them down. I don't think I ever expected anyone to read my brain thoughts, and I'm still pleasantly surprised to discover that anyone does. This blog started out being about being single, and has morphed into being about whatever's on my mind. This is my life, my world, my thoughts and my take on things. For what it's worth.