Monday, 13 October 2008

Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?A. Hang it up and beat the crap out of it.

It was once pristine, useful, full of promise, something adaptable to anyone’s needs. I chose to wipe it on the arse of apathy and laziness, after which it was screwed up by the hand of post-natal Alzheimer’s.

It was full of crap for a while, which I smeared generously around the walls of this little room in the Hotel Internet, but now it’s beaten, empty, shredded and useless except as the punch line to a bad joke.

Not that it was ever my aim in writing this, but over the last few weeks I’ve come to the disappointing (but not surprising) conclusion that no-one is going to offer me squillions of dollars for a newspaper column or book deal, and that if I want to accomplish anything I’ve vaguely listed under ‘life goals’*, something’s gotta give. Something like this blog.

Still, like any piece of bog roll – created, after all, to deal with crap – I’m not one to give up when a geyser of pointless, drivelling verbal diarrhoea is crying out for attention. So I’ll still be lingering here like a bad smell around a Chinese public squat toilet, but will have to dispense for the time being with the fulsome diatribes that I’m obstinately sure my (lovely and kind) eight readers and the occasional misled porn enthusiast enjoy so much. The new Lonie™ Polony will now be served in cocktail size, though I hope without less banger for your buck.

That is all. You may flush.†

*You may recall the career to which I once or twice professed to aspire, but which I’m now too embarrassed to mention because of my total lack of discernible progress. Plus, in case you’ve missed all the self-pitying whining, I’m now a rather busy mother of three.

†No, I no longer have any idea what I’m on about, either. Nine months on, I’m still hoping my distressing decrease in brain function is due to temporary baby brain, but I’m beginning to worry.

Geez Lonie - Consider it a priviledge to join the ranks of the rest of us brain-mushed mothers/women! So many times in my callous youth I bewilderedly regarded my mum, wondering WTF? I've now had nearly 40 years experiencing the same, and equally being spat upon by my own spawn for demonstrating the same attributes. Would that I will be on earth long enough to witness the same happening to them but alas I fear I won't!I must be Number 2 of your 8 readers, and love your ravings. Keep it on hold. There will come a time when you just need to sit down and get it all off your chest in your own inimitable way, and we'll be here waiting faithfully and patiently!

The baby brain may in part by due to being brained one too many times during the night.

Please don't leave us. I know I don't always comment and my blog is equally neglected. But your occasionaly missive always leaves a smile on my face. It's only a matter of time before someone gives you some column inchs.