Thursday, February 24, 2011

FIVE WEIRD HABITS

1. After almost every phone call, after I have pleasantly said "goodbye" and disconnected from the call, I say either, "Fuck off," "Eat shit" or "Cunt" -- out loud. This doesn't mean that I don't love the person I was just conversing with, quite the opposite actually. The truth is, it just makes me feel good. It’s a release. It's my little secret. Well, it was a secret until I put it in print for the whopping 17 people who actually read this blog to see!

2. I cannot and will not leave anything in the wastebasket in my bathroom. A single tissue or Q-tip must be removed immediately. And when I go to someone else's house, it bothers me to no end to see wadded-up Kleenex, yellowy used cotton swabs -- or worse -- staring up at me in their lavatory. Disgusting! Almost as disgusting as using the word “lavatory” -- I mean, who do I think I am? Some uppity flight attendant?

3. I clean the toilet after each use. No, I do not pull out toxic cleaning products, rubber gloves and a scrub brush -- but I do make sure there is nothing left on, in or around the commode. It only takes a few seconds, people. Keep in mind, this kind of OCD was passed onto me from my mother (who was raised in an Italian convent!) who also taught my brother and myself to aim for the side of the toilet bowl so as not to make a disturbing noise by peeing right into the water. I mean, God forbid anyone knows I have a penis, right? And now, ironically, no one does.

4. I take a hot bath every day, sometimes twice. This ritual, and spending quality time with my dogs, is the only thing that keeps me sane. I either read The National Enquirer or play Words With Friends on my iPhone. And baths do not take the place of a shower. Baths are for relaxing, showers are for washing.

5. I like my foods and beverages piping hot. The moment my coffee is made, the cup goes right into the microwave until it's scalding. I hate soup that doesn't resemble lava and at restaurants I often send it back to be nuked. Coffee and soup are supposed to be served hot, thank you very much.

BONUS WEIRD HABIT: When I am getting ready for a show, the first step in my beauty regiment is to shave. This, depending on how long it’s been since the last time I’ve done drag, can be quite a process. It involves getting into a very hot shower and shaving my face (down, then up, then diagonally to the left, then diagonally to the right) until it’s completely smooth. Then I shave my knuckles (yep!), forearms, shoulders (I know, I know) and chest. When I am all done, I turn the hot water to ice cold and, while my pores are closing and I am being blasted awake, I sum up the evening -- out loud: “Saturday night! Sold out show! Casita del Campo! 8 PM!” I usually also state how much money I will be making and any other important details. It’s really crazy, huh?

JUST ONE MORE BECAUSE I’M AN OVERACHIEVER: I think the strangest thing I do is occasionally I will track down one of my faithful readers and then kill them and eat them. What?

I totally agree with you about baths and showers, a bath is for relaxing only and showers are to get you clean.

Am I the only odd person who cleans the toilet BEFORE I use it. This is because I do not live on my own and don't want to think about what the other people in my house do on it or in it. I simply take a pump or two of germ-x on some toilet paper and wipe off the seat. But, like you Jackie, I make sure it is clean when I'm done as well. Not to imply that I'm messy in there. lol.

We all have strange things we do and I admire you for admitting some of yours in print.

OMcunt, I have to agree with you on dirty toilets...I make sure there are no BROWN specs or any suspicious spots in my bowl...thats totally vile! I made the mistake of cleaning a girlfriends toilet after use and she had a shit fit, she could not stop obssessing about my cleaning her shitter. It totally needed it. I went in to piss and omcunt, the bowl was War Torn Bosnia in the 90's as I lifeted the seat with my shoe(never with my fingers!)! It's a good thing she had toilet cleansing products and she wasn't aware of what I did until she had to use it. 15 minutes after I left it she entered and freaked out(we were drinking beers.) She felt bad but I felt better; complete almost! I told her she needed to get on top of her shit..in the most sincerest way and kindly of course(this is a girl who enjoys burping out loud and farting! It's no wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend, DOH! I'm thinking out loud!)I never keep a wastebasket in full view in my restroom...I keep one under the sink cause looking at waxy q-tips sets me the fuck off! Oh, and I have to wash something everyday other wise I get antsy; like a small load of laundry or what ever artcles of clothing I wore during the day...I hate a full hamper.