Spontaneity at its finest

I barely get mad with people talking about my imperfections. It’s fine with me. I even make fun of myself sometimes. I have long accepted the fact that I am not perfect, that I have the most unruly hair and the most scars in my body. I really don’t care if you talk about them in front of me. But sometimes, too much of teasing about it makes me feel bad.

I grew up physically unappreciated. I grew up with my so-called ‘intelligence’ and ‘achievements in school’ as my superpower. I am not as white as my Mom nor do I have her face. I am my Dad’s female version. I grew up being teased about how I look – how my hair frizzed, how my lips are so thick and how dark I was. I grew up not being appreciated physically – which by the way explains my vanity in the present.

When I started reading Candy Magazine, I learned and tried so hard to love myself. I tried to be as confident as I can be. I tried to excel in academics but I only did that halfway. I was too shy to show myself to the world in high school. In college, I tried harder. It was another chance to show them what I’m worth despite of how I look. I had my hair relaxed a couple of times to straighten up my frizzy hair.

For the past two years I have tried to uplift my morale. But just as when I am about to fully express myself, I am haunted by memories of my grade school and high school. They haunt me in the form of college friends. My imperfections seem to eat me up. I tried so hard for that never to happen. But last night, too much is too much. This is high school once again.

I am probably over-reacting but this is how I feel. I’ve been trying to be better. I’m trying to shape up by doing exercises every morning. I’ve been studying what look would work for me. I’ve been studying fashion trends. I’ve been trying to take pride of myself once in a while. Last night, I felt like all the effort that I have been trying so hard to do are useless. They seem worthless.

Just as when I am about to unleash a new me, I am discouraged by the forces of society. They constantly bombard me with things that I’ve been trying not to let me down. I am now in doubt. I am confused. This is not what I am supposed to be.

I have to redeem myself. I have to be better. I have to keep that in my mind. I should not let them underestimate nor weaken me. I should not let them win. I should stand up for myself. I should be better. I want to better. I AM IMPERFECT AND I AM PROUD.

2 thoughts on “I am Imperfect”

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