~ Trusting God's Plan

Monthly Archives: December 2013

The emotional ups and downs of infertility are so exhausting. I am beyond excited about the possibility of adopting from Japan, something we have always desired, so I am filled with a new hope I had long lost. Even though we have no idea when that might happen, it still provides happiness about the future.

I thought for sure when I got up this morning I was going to see a positive pregnancy test. Due to different things I was convinced that was the only thing it could be. The negative was crushing. I normally cry every month, but this was especially hard since I thought for sure I was finally pregnant. I know God has a plan and I trust in it, but why does it have to involve so much pain? After having my little pity party I had to pick myself up off the floor, dry my tears, and continue with my day. The pain is still there, but I have to move on. I know I need to be more patient in all of this and rely on God’s timing. I just want to be a mother.

11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13

Through the years I have read the story of Hannah so many times. I can relate to her. The bible says she “wept in anguish”. Check. She “poured out her soul before the Lord”. Check. She was a “woman of sorrowful spirit”. Check. How many times have I cried out to the Lord in anguish and begged for Him to give us a child? Sometimes I felt He did not hear me and the bitterness would set in. How many times have I cried over the announcement of someone else being pregnant? In my state of sorrow I have often felt I was the only person in the world who was unable to have a child. Of course, I know God hears my prayers and I know others struggle just like me. This pain, though, is something I wish no one had to experience. A while back after reading in 1 Samuel again, I decided if God did ever allow us to have a child I would put this verse in the nursery: “For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition which I asked of Him.” 1 Sam. 1:27

I pray we are getting closer to the Lord granting my petition. In the meantime, I will diligently seek what I am to learn from this hardship and will continue to draw nearer to the One who has it all under control.

“But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more.” Ps. 71:14

Finding hope in the Lord is a wonderful thing. It brings peace amidst pain. It allows me to rest in the knowledge that He has a plan. My plan may not match up to what is going on in my life, but God sees the big picture. Praise the Lord I do not need to worry about things for He is in control. I hope I can look back and see where the hand of God has intricately woven the tapestry of my life, turning life’s sorrows into something beautiful.

Life’s journey has many ups and downs…..
One of the best moments of my life was meeting Jeremy when we were both 18 years of age. We quickly fell in love and were inseparable. We learned so much about each other and ourselves during that special time. After two years of dating, my life was changed forever when this wonderful man I had fallen head over heels in love with proposed to me a few days shy of Christmas. Our wedding would not be for a year and a half after that, but it was a day I will never forget. I could not believe I was blessed enough to start a life with this man.
We did not have much when we got married, which turned out to be a blessing because we found our love was enough. Within our first few years of marriage we had experienced surgeries, job losses, financial insecurity, and a host of other challenges. It seemed that every aspect of our lives was difficult. Nothing came easy.
After five years of marriage we decided to try and begin our family. I had it all planned out in my head and was beyond excited. After a few months, I became discouraged but I knew it could take a little longer for some couples. The tears every month from my disappointment became too much, so after a year we decided to take a break. A year later we began trying again, but were met with another twelve months of disappointment. Then September of 2012 I took a test and saw a positive sign. I nearly fell over with excitement. I had decided I was going to wait till that evening to tell Jeremy, but as soon as I saw him laying in bed I could not resist. I woke him up and told him I had something for him. It was a onesie I had specially made back when I thought this would all be easy. The onesie said “My Daddy Can Arrest Your Daddy” and I carefully held it up for Jeremy to see. As he squinted through sleepy eyes the realization of what I was telling him had not sunk in. Then I saw his expression change and we both cried with happiness. Unfortunately, it seems just as our joy started forming our dreams were crushed. The pain was almost unbearable.
Fast forward a few months later and we found ourselves pregnant again. This time I prayed constantly that the Lord would let this pregnancy be successful. It was not part of God’s plan, though. As I searched for answers I found my heart hardening. I could not pray for months. It was partly because I was angry at God and also because I did not know what to pray. I had prayed for years for a baby, and twice it was taken away. The months went by and I knew that the One I needed to cling to in such a trial was the One I had been avoiding. I knew God had a plan, but I was wondering if it would ever be for us to have children. My heart ached with a strong desire to be a mother. I could not imagine going through this life without seeing Jeremy be a father.
As I delved into God’s Word I was reminded how He does have a plan. Part of that plan was to give us hope. Some days I would be fine, and others, something very simple would trigger a batch of tears.
A few months ago we had our first real discussion about adoption. Two days later we were told of someone who was pregnant and would not be able to keep the baby. I could not believe it! We gave her a scrapbook detailing our journey and even took the woman to dinner. A week after that dinner we found out she had not ever even been pregnant. There we were again with our dreams shattered.
Once we came to grips with that news we began thinking about adoption again even though the fear of it not working out was in the back of our minds. Hours upon hours I spent researching domestic and international adoptions. Then a family member put us in contact with a missionary in Japan. One ministry his family does is working with young pregnant women and giving them an option other than abortion. After communicating with this man I am happy to say we are now on a waiting list to adopt a Japanese baby! Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. We have always had a desire to adopt from Japan, but through research had thought it very difficult to do. Jeremy is proud of his Japanese heritage and is excited about the possibility of saving a child from there. We are fervently praying for this situation, budgeting, and hoping. God has a plan! We do not know how long this will take, but if in the end we are holding OUR child in our arms it will make all the pain and waiting worth it.