Thursday, October 30, 2014

Esquire's guide to buying your way out of the "friend zone"

The "friend zone" is a myth, but it's a powerful one. It's a fantasy created and maintained by boys and men who think they have been unfairly denied sexual access to a woman who — as far as they're concerned — should be interested in them physically but isn't.

That's right, lads: For just a $350 investment, you could turn that "no" into a "yo". Who could resist a man in this shirt? (Truth be told, it's making me question my own sexuality. And I'm not even friends with expressionless Beard Guy.)

It's nice to know that all those dry spells could have easily have been solved with $500 worth of shaving gear. What was I thinking? The friend zone doesn't stand a chance against a good shave. (Don't tell Beard Guy!)

One of the more affordable ways to show her that you only hang out with her for possible sex.

I'll have to admit, I used stinky stuff as a teen. I didn't know it was still a thing. (Hope she's not allergic.)

I had no idea that not being trendy was so expensive. But if these not-at-all trendy jeans make her think about getting me out of them, take my money! TAKE IT!!!

Bwahahaha!

No, really? It's $3,500 worth of "Look, I know you said I wasn't like those other guys, but I kind of am. Just much, much worse."

What is that even, and how will it help me convince this woman that friendship is just the gentleman's prelude to banging?

Because actually putting yourself in her shoes is way too much to ask.

"So, Madison, you don't think he's kind of cute?"

"You know the rules, Dakota. I'd be all over him, but he wears boring sweaters. So I think I'll spend a lot of my valuable time with him, and tell him all my thoughts and feelings, but withhold my sexual favours until he gets better fashion sense."

Wear your edgiest shades when you meet her, and when she asks to try them on know that she's starting to come around to you.

(I didn't write that, BTW. It's actually in the article!)

This scarf says one thing, and that's "our friendship feels like a consolation prize".

The author disagrees with me that this article is regressive, creepy, PUA bullshit. But it's time to put this "friend zone" nonsense to rest.

If a woman is not interested in you sexually, your job is to respect her feelings. If she wants to be friends with you, that is not an invitation to spend your time together trying to manipulate her into giving in to your advances. It means she actually wants to be your friend. Or at least let you down easy. (You'll know soon enough.)

If you don't get that women's friendship is valuable in itself, then no amount of shopping can make you less of an asshole.

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

I'm an American who happens to be a female and I have to say that he has a point (even amongst the over-dramatized and sexist crap). Girls these days can be extremely petty, but that is why we call them GIRLS not WOMEN. Learn the difference. Women are mature in character (irrespective of years). Women can independently take care of themselves, but would gladly welcome the support of a man if he offered it. Women know what they want for their lives whether it be to have children, a career, etc. and are willing to take the steps to accomplish their goals. A woman holds onto what she has achieved and never lets it go. She is just as rational as any man. She commits to what she believes is important.and loves those who are worthy of her. To say that every eligible American female follows your stereotype to the letter is absurd. Just because you can't find someone who isn't exactly what you described doesn't mean that they don't exist; it means one or more of three things: you're either not looking hard enough, you aren't trying hard enough, or you're not worth a real woman's time anyway.