There I was sorting through the attic last bank holiday when I found an old box containing old photos and other such ephemera belonging to my long lost second uncle twice removed. Needless to say we knew little about him until we found this box and could not work out how on earth it ended up in the attic. In fact we’re not even sure he is even our second uncle twice removed…

The box contained some photos of the man in question taken whilst travelling the world (but I won’t bore you with them now as they are every bit as dull as your own holiday snaps), some letters which I might one day reveal (but they are a little saucy for your average reader as he was an avid whoremonger!). What I can show you though was a painting that accompanied his last missive and after reading it it seems clear that this is the reason he is ‘long lost’. To cut a long story short he felt that no one loved him and because of that he was going to give love to one. How sad 😦 If only I’d have known I could of given him one of my famous ‘this’ll make everything better’ hugs (as seen on TV). Maybe next time…