For Eva on your 5th birthday

Eva,

Today you are five and for some reason, it feels like such a huge milestone. Five seems very grown up all of a sudden, no longer a baby, a toddler, or the pre-schooler you were last year. You have changed so much over the last twelve months and part of me will always feel as though I literally blinked and missed it.

Your birthday is always an emotional time of year for me, the very first rainbow that healed our hearts, and it is impossible for me to celebrate your day without thinking back to that miraculous moment when you came into the world, kicking and screaming with your beautiful big eyes wide open. I will never forget that moment, the over whelming feeling of relief, happiness and pride that six years after your brother left us, you were finally here and ours to keep forever.

You are such a Mummy’s girl, more so than any of your siblings, and you are never far from my side. I can’t even go to the bathroom some days without you tailing behind, wanting to know where I am going, what I am doing, just wanting to be close to me. You love nothing more than for us to snuggle up together, to place your cheek against mine and hold me tight, and I love those special moments, just you and me, and I cherish every single one.

At the same time, you have learned to throw the most diva like tantrum when you don’t get your own way, going from whining to hysterical in a split second. Your stubbornness knows no bounds and if you don’t want to do something, God help anyone who stands in your way. Far too often this year you have screamed yourself hoarse, your face bright red and blotchy, refusing to back down even when there is nothing left but sad, whimpery hiccups and a reluctant apology. I have no idea where you get that stubbornness from…….

You are so close with your brothers and sister, the bond that you share with each of them is so unique and so special. From the way that you look up to Lewis with so much pride and admiration, or the way that you are so protective and caring towards Harry. The bond that you share with Megan is very different as sisters, some days you are at each others throats and others it is impossible to determine where you end and Meggy begins. You love her in a way that I, who has never had a sister, can only stand back and be in complete awe of. I hope that those bonds you all share last forever.

Four has been a tough year for you, leaving the pre-school that you loved and starting primary school, something that was such a difficult transition for you. It was hard for me too, to be away from you each day after four wonderful years together, to fight against all of my maternal instincts and prise your little hand from mine and leave you there each morning. So many times I walked home with a lump in my throat, tears pricking my eyes, wondering whether I was doing the right thing to send you into school each day, whether it would ever get any easier to leave you there in tears.

And although we still have mornings where you create a thousand different reasons why you can’t possibly go to school that day, or moments where you cry and beg me not to leave you, we also have mornings where you go into school with a big smile on your face, giggling with your friends, waving me off without a care in the world, and I know that you will be okay. And actually school is the best thing that ever happened to you, as a child who is so desperate to learn, who has wanted to read and write since the moment you could talk, you have soaked up every ounce of knowledge over the last six months and I could not be prouder of your progress.

Your favourite thing to do is to write, and I see so much of myself in you in that way. You come home from school each day with little books you have pieced together with cellotape, page after page of writing and illustrations, in the same way that I did at your age. You always have a pen in your hand, a notebook to hand, asking me “How do I spell dinosaur?” or “Look at this dragon I drew!”. Your imagination is amazing and I have no doubt that you will continue to thrive in school and, who knows, maybe one day you’ll be a writer just like Mummy.

You are stunningly beautiful, something which you are all too aware of, and you love nothing more than dressing up, instructing me on how to style your hair, paint your fingernails and buy you pretty things.

You are kind and inquisitive, caring and intuitive. At times you can be timid and insecure and yet equally, fierce and brave. Where as you used to always hide behind Meggy, nudging her forward while you watched with curiosity, these days you are the one who is leading the way, telling the others, “It’s okay, it’s not scary!”, even when your face tells an entirely different story!

You are loving and affectionate but only to the select few who you deem worthy of your love, which in my eyes, is a great quality to have. I hope you keep it that way!

You are bossy, sceptical, thoughtful, creative, argumentative, and never happier than when you are outdoors, jumping in puddles, stomping in the mud or rolling around on the sand. Nothing makes me happier than watching you run free, those eyes or yours sparkling, and the sound of your laughter could thaw the coldest of hearts.

Last night I tucked you into bed and, in the same way that I do every year, I told you how fast you have grown, how you shall never again be four and how proud I am that you are my daughter. You had hugged me tightly, your arms around my neck, and whispered in my ear, “When I am five I bet I will be able to do a handstand, and one of those roly poly things in the sky!”. And that sums you up all over, always in a rush to grow up, to do new things, go to new places, our beautiful little dare devil always looking for your next adventure.

I am so sad that you are growing up so fast but so proud of the amazing little girl you have become.

I Couldn’t help but cry, what a beautifully written post that shows the love that you have for Eva. She healed your heart after so much suffering and surely she was a blessing to soothe your broken heart. She is 5 now and full of character, may she always be individualistic and make you smile every day x x

Oh, those pictures are simply stunning Laura! 5! It all happens so fast, and slow at the same time. She is a unique spirit, the one who helped you heal your heart! Do wish her a happy birthday from me and my littles! Her face with that penguin is priceless. <3 <3 <3 #FabFridayPost

Haha if only we had their confidence! I think 5 is harder because they are at school and you cant even pretend they are babies anymore. At 4 they aren’t yet at school and they seem so much smaller?! xx

What a beautiful post Laura and what a special little girl Eva is. my boy starts school in Sept and I wasn’t overly worried but as it draws nearer, I really don’t want to leave him. although he is at nursery 4 days a week, I love our special Friday together. I can imagine leaving him at school too and walking away feeling upset. Anyways, happy happy birthday to your little one 🙂 #MarvMondays

It’s such a catch 22 as a mother watching our children grow. As much as we want them to turn into strong, independent individuals, we also want to always keep them safe and close to us. I cry a lot about this subject lately as my baby will be turning 5 this month. I have been cherishing my time with her as she is my only child home for most of the day (she goes to preschool in the mornings). I have always loved all your pictures. I too am constantly following my children around with a camera but someday those pictures will be all we have of the times they needed us and no one else. Great post loves. #bloggerclubuk

Aww thank you lovely. I hope you are keeping well, I keep meaning to drop you a message but February flew by in a blur of birthdays, cake and parties! Five seems so grown up all of a sudden, its always bitter sweet watching them grow so fast. xxx

Awww… I love this post. It is so beautiful. Eva is such a character and healer too. Bless her. I love the above photos too. She loves the camera doesn’t she. When my Ethan moved from Reception into Year 1 – he said “I am not the baby in the school anymore.” lol! xx

Ahhh you see. I knew it was a good idea to wait till later to read your post. You have such a knack with words that I did have tears reading your happy letter to Eva. It’s so clear that she is incredibly special to you, as are all your little ones. So beautiful, I hope she gets a chance to read your letter when she’s all grown up. Thank you for sharing with the #dreamteam xxx

Aww thank you. She really is such a special little girl and, although by no means perfect, a real joy to be around. I would love for the children to read all of my letters when they are older, I’d have loved to have had them to look back on from my Mum! xx

I read this as Anya is approaching her 5th birthday in a fortnight. I don’t know where the time has gone and I feel terrible admitting that I can’t remember her as a baby. Anya’s 5th birthday is also her first full day of school. I expect to be very emotional :'(

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WELCOME!!

Hi, my name is Laura. Blogger, wife and Mummy to five very special children - Lewis 13, Eva 5, Megan 4, Harrison 3 and Joseph who lives forever in our hearts. I write about the ups and downs of family life, co-parenting, love, loss, and the subjects close to my heart - stillbirth, miscarriage and chronic illness. It's a pleasure to share it with you all.