Bloopers in English: Excuse Notes Written to Teachers

Richard Lederer, a life-long word lover and prolific author (more than 30 books on the English language), has been collecting unique and fascinating words for decades. He also enjoys collecting verbal bloopers and malapropisms, the innocent goofs and gaffes that most people make in their daily speech and writing, unaware that they are mangling the English language. To Lederer, the fact that these mistakes make us laugh is the best medicine of all, especially in a troubled world: he writes “[S]ometimes a tangled tongue or word that should be herded back into its pen can bring the world what it can never really gent enough of — a good reason to laugh.” Here are some of the funniest excuse notes to teachers written by parents or students pretending to be parents. Use at your own risk:

My son is under a doctor’s care. Please execute him.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

Please excuse Ron from school yesterday. He had a stomach egg.

Susie was not in school today because she had her first menopause.

Please excuse Cindy from being absent last week as she was sick with a stripped throat and absent tooth.