Tears Are For Babies

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Oh, hey... remember me? Maybe? Well, I'm back because I have no where else to go.

And what do you do when you have nowhere to go and a heart bursting with feelings that you can't put anywhere else? Well, you resurrect the blog that you thought had served it's purpose and run it's course. Oh, Fate... you tricky bastard.

Back in April, we decided to jump back in the TTC arena. You guys, it was hard. Like, really, really hard for me. This place of infertility is where all of my nightmares live. Flash backs from the scariest times of my life still haunt me, and honestly, I just didn't know if I could do it again. But, then there was that nagging in my gut telling me that our family is not complete. This thought was only strengthened when I asked EJ what she wanted for her birthday (coming up in August) and she quickly replied "a baby brother or sister, of course." Of course.

So, we did it. FET #1. Everything went perfectly. Not a single hitch. Not only did the timing work out pretty spectacularly, but we actually won our clinic's annual drawing and got a significant discount. Then we won a second contest taking even more off our total. It was awesome.

We transferred 2 beautiful blasts. They were so strong. One of them was fully expanded and looked so great that you would never have guessed it had been in a freezer for the last 4 years. I joked with our embryologist that my money was on the fully expanded one, and he said without missing a beat, "my money is on both of them!". Yep, we were FULL of hope and had very little doubt at all that this cycle would be awesome.

Then, at 6 days past transfer, this happened:

Light, yes... but those little embies hadn't even been in for a week! I was thrilled! This was on a Tuesday. My beta wasn't even scheduled until the following Monday.

Then, 2 days later...

Although nerves started to set in (as they always do so early) we began to get excited. We hadn't told anyone but my best friend and my SIL that we had even cycled, and we decided to keep our secret until August. We would wrap up a baby doll (or two) with a cute little shirt or something and give it to EJ with an explanation that she was going to get exactly what she wanted for her birthday.

Of course I kept POAS, because I'm warped like that... and last Friday, I decided the line was a little bit lighter than the day before. I called my nurse, and she told me I could come in anytime for a beta, even though my "official" test date wasn't until the next Monday. So, I went in. I knew something wasn't right, and I couldn't help but panic a bit when I pulled into the clinic's parking lot.

A few hours later, I called in to see if my results were in. "Oh, let me look... (pause, then a sigh)... okay, well... they are back. Your level is at 28.8. But, it's still early so come back in on Monday. By then we'd expect it to be closer to 100. Don't worry too much now. We'll just be cautiously optimistic..." I pretty much zoned out after that. I'm not even sure I told her "goodbye" before I hung up.

I freaking knew it! Nothing is every easy for us in the baby-making category of life.

I spent most of the weekend trying to avoid reality, and yet secretly crying any chance I got.

Monday was even worse. Beta dropped to 9.8. I was instructed to stop all my meds and prepare to miscarry.

Awesome.

So, now I wait. Nothing has happened yet. No spotting, only mild on and off cramping a couple of times a day. Limbo.

I don't know how to be. I am a bag full of conflicting emotions. It is 3:15 in the morning and here I am alternating between stoic and hysterical.

All I can do is wait. And wait. And wait some more. I am completely terrified of going back in on Monday (RE wants to track beta back to 0) and find out the beta has risen. I CANNOT handle another ectopic. CAN NOT.

I think I just need someone to grab my shoulders and shake the hell out of me until I am a puddle of tears and can let it all out.

I can't do life right now. I feel like I have 6 different personalities, and none of them can decide who the "dominant" one is going to be.

I'm not NOT pregnant, so what exactly am I? This is such a total mind fuck.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

So here's the thing... I've been trying to come up with something to blog about for weeks now and all I've figured out is that I don't want to say anything. I have nothing left to say. It seems that my psychosis has evolved, and now instead of obsessing over getting/staying pregnant, I'm obsessing over my girls and this just feels like the wrong place to do that. So, while this place has been my home for a very long time now, it feels forced to STAY here. Does that make sense?

I have struggled with what to do for a while now, and I think I am leaning towards starting a new blog. Kind of a new chapter, if you will. I have no intention whatsoever of closing this space, but I don't plan on adding content anytime soon. I am excited to move on, but I doubt I will ever be ready to completely let go.

I feel that I need a new place to tell you about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like a new person. Before, so much of me was tied up in the hell that is infertility, that it changed me. Slowly, I am finding myself again. It is a whole new journey, completely separate from everything that has happened here.

So, that is what I'm going to do. I'm not really sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but if you do - thank you. Please feel free to join me in this new chapter of my life whenever you are ready. Also, I want to be clear... I have no intention of leaving the IF world completely, my role has simply changed. I want to be YOUR support. I will still be reading ( and commenting whenever blogger lets me) and holding your virtual hand whenever you need me.

Let me know what you think. I will do one more post on Tears are for Babies when I have the new blog set up. Until then...

Anyway, because she's so small I've decided to make all of her baby food. I want to make sure that she is getting the maximum amount of nutrients from the food she will eat. And although we aren't starting her on any solid food until 6 months, I am already busy trying out my new Ni.n.ja and making trial batches of baby food. OMG, you guys... it is A-MAZING!!! I am having so much fun with it. It even pureed spinach into a texture similar to butter. I freakin' LOVE this thing!

(Okay, so not my best blog post... but at least I posted a pic. That counts for something, right?)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I don't have a lot of time to post, but didn't want to leave things with the "poor me" crap.

Life it getting better. My back is on the mend and my tummy is nearly back to normal. I got through yesterday and today's photo sessions a lot easier than expected, and have just one more to go before I take a Christmas break.

EJ's toe looks like nothing ever happened. We ended up taking her to another pediatrician on Saturday because she woke up with what looked like pink eye (yeah, last week ROCKED! At least the pink eye was a false alarm.) and I was able to get another opinion about her weight. Again, this Dr. wasn't really concerned and said that she looks healthy and that she is probably just going to blaze her own trail. We'll check again on the 28th, but my mommy-sense tells me that EJ is going into a growth spurt. All she does lately is eat and sleep with no more than an hour of awake time in between eat/sleep sessions. And she's eating A LOT. I feel like my mammaries are going to explode if she goes longer than an hour and a half without eating. Oh yeah, and she is giggling now. OH. MY. GOSH!!! Best sound EVER!! I can't wait until it gets more consistent. If I could figure out how to post a video from my phone I totally would. It's so CUTE!

Last night, my family Christmas party got dumped in my lap (love the notice) so I'm scrambling to put things together. I doubt I'll have much time this week to update again, but I just wanted to let you know that I survived last week, and things are looking up.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

1. Food poisoning. I promise I will NEVER eat another stuffed mushroom. EVER!!

2. Because I was sick, EJ and I were in our pajamas (the same ones) for 2 1/2 days.

3. I am losing my hair. A lot.

4. EJ was super fussy the whole time I was sick.

5. Yesterday morning as I was bathing EJ, I noticed that her toe was bright red and SUPER swollen. It was at least twice the size it should have been. When I looked closer I saw one of my hairs (see #3) wrapped around her toe so tight that it had cut off the circulation, (now #4 makes sense!) but it was so swollen I couldn't actually get to the hair. I FREAKED OUT and screamed for DH, who, luckily was able to get the hair off. I took her to the Dr. to get it checked out and it was fine. However, I did find out that...

6. Miss E has dropped between the 10th and 25th percentile for weight. (Which explains why almost everyone comments that she is "so tiiiny") She will be 4 months old on Christmas Eve and she is only 10lbs. 13 oz. And that was with a wet diaper. :( The doc wasn't concerned because she acts perfectly happy and looks healthy (just small), and is freakishly strong... but it didn't make me feel any better.

7. After the Dr. appt. I threw out my back trying to lift some laundry. I can't stand, walk, or lay on my back, and can only sit for super short periods of time. It takes an act of Congress to roll from one side to the other because I can barely move my legs or hips. Basically - I'm screwed. Oh yeah, and I have a 3 1/2 month old baby that I can't lift without excruciating pain and my legs giving out on me, who doesn't allow anyone to soothe her but me. (Did I mention she has a sore toe?)

Throw in my first PP period, finals week, and a family feud and that rounds out the top 10 reasons my week sucks.

Stay tuned for the next few days when I must find a way to miraculously heal in time for the photo sessions I have booked Sunday, Monday, and Friday. Monday's session includes 27 mini sessions. All kids.

Friday, December 2, 2011

86mph winds, people. The highest wind recorded today (about 10 min. away from my house) was 102mph. That's the same as a category 2 hurricane, folks.

Currently we are without power, and when I left my home at around 5pm the temp inside was only 52*. When I called the power company, they told me that they don't expect the power to be back on until Saturday at the earliest. My neighborhood is a disaster area. I have never seen such destruction. I couldn't help but cry when I drove down the street and within 3 blocks counted 9 very large toppled trees. One of my neighbors lost their roof. Not shingles - their actual roof. My dad, who lives only 4 blocks away, has to replace his roof. More than half of his shingles were torn off. I am so nervous that he wont be able to make the repairs. He's been out of work for months.

There is so much debris! Trees were blocking many roads in my area, making it hard to drive anywhere.

We were lucky. We lost part of the roof on our shed, some shingles off the roof, a few strips of siding, and our new barbeque was ripped apart, but we are lucky. We will be spending the next couple of days with my inlaws until the power comes back on so we don't freeze to death, and so we have food to eat (our stove/oven is electric, and we don't dare let the cold out of the fridge/freezer by opening it). There are many people that will spend the same time in emergency shelters set up in the area.

Tonight I am counting my lucky stars. Please send positive thoughts and prayers to those around us who were not so fortunate.

About Me

A first-time mom for the second time, after 8 years of infertility - I'm just trying to find my footing in this new place.
I'm a happily married Mom to LJ (born in May 2002), and EJ (aka Miss E, born in August 2011). I'm not sure what the future holds, but right now I don't really care. I'm just so freakin' happy! (FINALLY!!)