George Kohlrieser was a young psychologist working alongside the domestic violence unit of Ohio’s police department. Only this time, they were not in a home but a hospital where a “very psychotic man” was holding a pair of scissors to a nurse’s neck. Despite their training and weapons, police were powerless to stop him.

“[He was] screaming and yelling and not really responding to anything. He soon cut [the nurse’s throat] with the scissors he was holding to her neck, he didn’t really make any demands he was just out of his mind,” Mr Kohlrieser said.

“Three minutes after that he came across the room to me and put the scissors to my throat. That is a very particular moment to be standing there with my hands around his arm, looking into his eyes filled with rage and anger.

“We were going nowhere so a turning point was when I said to him ‘Sam, how do you want your children to remember you?’ and he screamed back ‘I don’t want you to talk about my children. Bring them here I’ll kill them too, they don’t love me anymore, I have nothing to live for’.”

Psychologist and professor George Kohlrieser has written best-selling books on his experience.Source:Supplied

While it sounds like a nightmare, that moment provided Mr Kohlrieser — an expert hostage negotiator turned professor and leadership mentor — the breakthrough he needed.

“Daring myself, I came back again and said ‘We have to talk about them because how do you want them to remember you?’ ”

Within 10 minutes the man had come back to a “manageable state” and Mr Kohlrieser began making negotiations to remove the nurse from the room, deal with the scissors and handcuff him. He did so by making a deal he would speak to the man’s children, plead his case in front of a judge and help with reconciliation while he was in prison.

The shocking story was the first of four times Mr Kohlrieser was taken hostage over a long career teaching police, military, humanitarian organisations and health professionals about the power of bonding in crisis situations. Trained as an industrial and organisational psychologist, he has worked in Israel, Palestine and Croatia as well as at police academies around the world, before expanding his knowledge into executive education and training.

In Sydney to speak at the World Business Forum, Mr Kohlrieser said dealing with hostage situations is one part controlling the fear — a tight neck, racing heart and startled reaction that comes with the territory — and one part strategy.

“It’s always a tactic to give choice, so asking questions. Sam, how do you want your children to remember you? Do you want me to handcuff you do you want the police to handcuff you? Do you want the front or the back? When people have a choice there tends to be cooperation,” he said.

Giving options is a crucial tactic in hostage negotiation.Source:ThinkStock

Once a bond has been achieved, 95 per cent of situations can be resolved.

“The moment he started responding to my questions, I rewarded that concession. You look for that turnaround point. The most powerful one is when they ask you for something. Then that gives you a certain amount of power, even if you can’t deliver it. It’s also very difficult when you can’t get that connection.”

While his experience is extreme, Mr Kohlrieser said being a hostage is not just a physical state. It can also be a psychological one.

“You can be a hostage to your boss, to your employees, to your colleagues, to a situation in your office. In your personal life to your spouse children, doctors, teachers.”

It can also be played out in a work environment between leaders and their staff, with bosses often unable to give up their power and workers unable to negotiate for a greater share of it.

Instead, Mr Kohlrieser said being a great leader is about sharing power and vision rather than focusing on authority. It’s building collaboration through the old fashioned law of reciprocity — that to give something you get something back.

“This is a very important principle when it comes to leadership. Leaders have to do the same thing; learn how to give choice away. Learn how to give their power away.”

Mr Kohlrieser said a hostage mentality can come from parents, schools, spouses and employers.Source:Supplied

For workers who don’t hold any power but still want to change their situation, the key is to become clear about what you want and who you have to negotiate with to get it.

“Even if they don’t get what they want, they can change their minds eye so they don’t feel like a hostage … it’s the worst thing to feel like a hostage and many people do in organisations, like they have golden handcuffs or are locked into a cage.”

Here are his top tips when it comes to negotiation:

• Don’t tell, ask. If you want to work three days a week from home, make it into a question and find some criteria that will deem it to be a success or not. “Don’t go in there and say “I want three days” because then it becomes a power struggle. Because [bosses] have the power, you don’t. Stay out of power struggles,” Mr Kohlrieser said.

• Practice, practice, practice. If you’re nervous about negotiating something tough, practice with a friend who can play a role for you.

• Don’t be afraid of conflict. One school of thought suggests women in the workforce don’t get ahead because they don’t ask for what they want. Mr Kohlrieser said women have to understand they potentially make better leaders than men but it’s important to not be afraid of conflict if necessary. Have courage.

• Don’t get defensive. Ask questions rather than make statements and don’t make things personal. Keep the person separate from the problem.

• Keep it brief. Say what you have to say in four sentences or less. Even better, do it in one. Clean up your vocabulary to remove unnecessary words and fillers to make sure your interactions are clean and skilled.

• Don’t get power hungry. The best managers are those that have a vision and share the power and ask what people can contribute by working as a team. Failing to build bonds and keeping barriers up is a sure fire way to diminish success.

• Don’t live like a hostage. It might not feel like it, but being a hostage is a choice. To free yourself take joy in your situation and have gratitude.