A Quest for a Slow & Simple Life

The other day I got an email from a very well-respected personal finance blogger and friend. He asked me if I was interested in doing an ongoing side hustle gig.

In my mind I immediately responded, “hell yeah!”

Later, we chatted on the phone and had a great conversation. It got me excited about the possibilities that this side gig could bring.

But then I got off the phone, and my gut started getting all twisted. With the excitement of the conversation, I had temporarily blacked out and had forgotten that for the past couple of weeks, I decided to make it my mission to slow down…to cut back.

I had in fact been listening to nothing but slow movement and simple living podcasts, as I was beyond over listening to one more podcast that wanted to tell me how I could be a success, more productive, make millions, or all three.

It all started a couple months back when I was given a book on productivity to read for a review (because of course I said, “yes” to that). Somewhere in the beginning chapters I had read that successful people plan every minute second of every day. Instead of being inspired I thought, “you’ve got to be _____ kidding me!” I put down the book and vowed to never read another book on productivity ever again.

The idea of planning out every second of my day just seemed truly awful. Do you really plan fun? Do you really plan spontaneity? Really??? The whole idea seems…pardon my French, completely anal. If that means success, then may I never be successful!

Still, I did my best by decluttering often, getting rid of many unnecessary things in my apartment, selling old things on Craigslist (even when it was hard to do), and trying to focus on only having things around the house I could use. At least that part was going well.

Fast forward to me getting a full time job. It’s demanding…in a good way, and very challenging…also in a good way. I devote a lot of time and brain power to my 8 to 9 hours a day there. That’s all well and good, but then I’m still side hustling and working a lot on my blog. I write and prep my posts on the weekend, write some more, read other blogs and comment, and do other kinds of general blog work.

I also do what a lot of you do who work full time with blogging: I read and comment before work, during lunch, and after work as well. And yet I still have a hard time keeping up, and feel really guilty about it.

I debate whether a morning jog is better than an hour I can spend blogging. Sometimes the jog wins, sometimes it doesn’t.

I realized that I spent so many years trying to build up the momentum of being a “hustler,” that now I’m seriously afraid to let it go.

And I realized to do that I would have to face new fears I never really knew I had…

Fear One: You spent so many years struggling financially and now you’re going to turn down money? How ungrateful can you be, Tonya (my fear talks in the 3rd person)?

Fear Two: If you turn down this gig, no one will EVER ask you to do another side hustle.

Fear Three: If you turn this down, you are going to disappoint your friend, who was nice enough to think of you for this opportunity.

Fear Four: You won’t be able to save for ______ as fast, if you don’t take this job.

Fear Five: You will start to become lazy if you don’t work hard.

Fear Six: What if you lose your job and now you’re left with no backup plan as far as work?

Whoa! That’s a lot of sh*t going down in my brain, eh?

I had to sit down and think things through. And one question kept popping up in my mind that if answered correctly, would solve most of my problems. That question is, “what is most important to you right now?”

As if I was some kind of crazy lady in the park feeding the birds and talking to myself, I answered, “to focus on keeping things slower and simpler in my life.” And then I got even crazier as I answered myself back, “well then, you can’t take on anything more, when in fact, you need to cut back.”

It’s funny that I’m even admitting I’m a workaholic. When did that happen? I remember an ex-boyfriend once delivering a low blow to me saying, “I can tell you don’t even like working very much.”

It’s not that I didn’t…but I also really believe that one needs to have a life…a rich, well-rounded, FULL life.

I can think of times in my life that were the most wonderful and spontaneous. Wandering around Paris on my very first trip to Europe, just feeling at ease getting lost in the days before iPhones and GPS existed. The several times I was in Costa Rica and there was nothing to do in the middle of the day except nap in a hammock, and occasionally have an Imperial beer.

I’m 45-years-old. I have a good job now where all my basic needs are easily being taken care of (and then some). I have very little debt that I’m not concerned about, health care coverage, and I’m saving a good amount of money now each month for emergencies, things I want, and my future.

I do not need to spend every waking moment of every waking second being busy, productive, or hustling, just so I can earn an extra $400 (or whatever the amount is) per month.

I’m sure when I’m (hopefully) 90-years-old, I won’t look back on these days and think, “man I am sooooo glad I took on that extra side hustle!”

Because you know what it’s going to cost me in the long run? Spending time with friends. Calling my mom and having long conversations about nothing in particular. Enjoying the process of searching for love. Taking care of my mind. Taking care of my body. Laying in the sand and listening to the ocean. Eating slowly. Breathing.

Money can be spent and earned, but you cannot get time back.

So you know what I told those fears? “Screw you!”

I emailed my friend and thanked him profusely for the opportunity, and then politely declined. He even came back and asked if more money would convince me to take it. “Dammit!” 🙂 But I still said “no.”

It was the hardest “no” I’ve ever had to say. Because it wasn’t about this gig in particular. It was the start of the rest of my life, and being able to say “no” to things that don’t matter (as much), and “yes” to the things that do.

On a side note:

In my quest to simplify my life and slow down, I thought to myself, “oooh I should do a podcast or maybe a Youtube series, or maybe even start another blog on the topic!”

How many of you see yourself in that sentence and giggle, knowing you’ve probably done the same thing?

Or how about I just live simply and slowly, and not add on any more work in my life, which is the exact opposite of simple and slow? How about that, Tonya? 🙂

I totally feel you! Now that I’m debt-free, I’m working hard to slow down. I have all the same fears, but then I remember reading a post about regrets of the dying. One of them was “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” There’s a time and place for hard work, but not at the expense of having a life.

Yeah. There are so many little voices in our heads all the time. The process of living well, I think, is the process of getting those voices to shut down (or at least getting most of them to shut down, in favor of the ones that tell us what we really need to hear.)

I right there with you. Back to working a full time gig for a few weeks now I’m try to adjust. Juggling my blog, personal stuff like wife, kids and occasionally I like a little time for myself. I just had to turn down a writing gig because I knew I couldn’t totally commit and it would over extend me. All about finding that right balance.

I’m so glad you made the decision you did, for the sake of balance and sanity! I totally get all the self doubt, but how great that your gut told you to take care of yourself and protect your preferred way of living your life. Kudos! I schedule a LOT in my life — seriously, if you looked at my Outlook calendar for a week, I think most people would be a little shocked. Almost every minute is scheduled between Monday at 7 am and Friday at midnight, all for work. And after working like that every week, the thing I crave most of all is NO SCHEDULE. Those productive people who thrive that way are a total puzzle to me, because I need unscheduled, unstructured time. We all do. Good for you for making sure you always have some unscheduled time!

Holy cow! That is a lot! No wonder you want to retire ASAP! 🙂 I think having no unscheduled time is such a recipe for so many things going wrong. Crankiness, forgetfulness (that one has happened to me a lot lately), irritability. We all need downtime to just be…

I think that it’s important to be clear about what will serve you will in this moment. Running around when you don’t need to is completely unnecessary. I am working for myself and I could of course make more money-but I went hiking the other day…because it’s not always going to be 60 degrees in January. So I enjoyed it and I’m glad I did. After working 10 hours a day I am very, very clear about not doing things that don’t serve me well. I’m so glad that you recognize that and was confident and comfortable about saying “no!” Good for you. Work the current opportunity that you have now. What if you stretched yourself thin and then weren’t able to rock your new job??

haha about the podcast. Being content is the best thing you can do. I think I would have taken the offer and then tried to scale back other things I liked less but that would lead to overwork for a while.

Totally, then I’d reach burnout after 2 days and leave everything 20% done for the next three months..

Kemkem

Good for you! It’s time to smell the roses :-). Focus on the job, the savings and living life..everything else will fall into place. You’ve been shell shocked, it’s going to be a while before you decompress, so it’s not the time to make rash decisions 🙂

I go through this same struggle pretty much on a daily basis. How much more can I take on versus Am I doing enough? I think you just have to trust yourself and know that you can only do so much.
And I agree…if being successful means planning out every minute of your day, I’m out. Take care!

I hope you find the answers you’re looking for Laura! We need a support group for this kind of thing. lol!

Natalie

This post reminds me that you have to know what’s the wise thing for you to do. And that may be very different than the next person. For me, I’m committed to becoming debt free and building wealth and nothing will stop me. But I don’t mind doing a lot – I’m extroverted and love achieving. I find personal enjoyment through it! Sounds like you are making the wise decision for you, too!

I think a lot has to do with age, if I may be so bold. I think if I was younger and more aggressive and felt like I had more time, I’d push myself harder, but now I feel like I’m sort of deep into the second chapter, and don’t want to let life go by without slowing down and appreciating the moments. Again, everyone needs to find their own cadence.

John S @ Frugal Rules

I can definitely relate to this Tonya. I feel like I should always be doing something and know I want to slow down but still find some kind of fear creeps in. For me it’s usually something along the lines of your fear #2 or #4. That level of contentment is going to be that much more difficult to find if you don’t slow down – at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I cannot emphasize the amount of agreement I have to everything you stated in this post. I gave up a part-time teaching gig so I could focus on writing and m full-time gig and I am still berating myself for it – even though I don’t miss it, I ONLY miss the money! I consider you a way-shower in this aspect of life. The less we do, the more we can focus on what’s important.

It’s weird taking a risk to say “no” when so many are afraid to take the risk to say “yes.” I do think though that if we focus on too many things, nothing ever gets done very well or gets your full attention. I don’t want that.

I plan out almost all of my day. If I don’t, something inevitably doesn’t get graded, planned, or communicated to families the way I intended (and with the integrity that my students deserve). I don’t side hustle a ton any more. Last year, I was tutoring enough to pull in an extra $1000 a month. But in almost a decade of teaching, I’d never been more tired or sick. Not worth it. I tutor only a fraction of what I used to, and I find I have much more balance this year.

I usually have a few things planned for each day that I want to accomplish. I don’t see the value in planning every minute though. It’s too regimented. What happens then with interruptions? How do you recoup from those? Or what about spontaneity? How do you allow for that? Seems like if you had every minute planned you’d always be working from behind.

I also read a study some time ago that basically makes your point about working too much. No one ever looks back at the end of life and says, “I wish I’d worked more.” Their reflections are always about wanting to spend more time with family, helping others, and enjoying other aspects of life to a greater degree.

I agree that I don’t want hindsight to be 20/20. I should know better now, not later. But it does feel like it goes against the grain a bit.

Prudence Debtfree

Well done, Tonya! I go through internal head battles often, and you’ve spelled this one out so clearly. I could see it all : ) And I cheered when the Tonya who is slowing down won. When she said “Screw you!” to the workaholic Tonya – who is not powerful, but fearful. This would be called “embracing life.” Yay!

I think my wife balances me out. I want be as productive as possible and make plans (not every minute and every second though!! That’s a little overboard) whereas my wife is more spontaneous. There needs to be some balance…as with all things.

I am one of those people who prefer to have plenty of time for the things I enjoy. I’ve kind of felt bad about it from time to time, especially when all you see and hear is HUSTLE! But I don’t think that kind of lifestyle is the best for everyone. You’re still working hard at your job and since that time is so concentrated it’s important to decompress and not fill your free time with more work. I really think that you deserve to honor your time and do what serves you most at this time in your life.

yes that’s exactly it. When I get to the office is go time, so having downtime is very needed! And yes taking leisure time seems to be the opposite of what everyone else, especially in the PF world is doing.

We’ve also been working through this tension of wanting to grow and improve and take opportunities, but needing to slow down, be choosey about what we commit to, and focus on relationships as well as work, and we recently wrote about this too: “Do Less, Be More” http://www.pretendtobepoor.com/do-less-be-more/

I saw that video of earning $13,000 last year on your side hustles. I’d be exhausted! Good for you for stepping back. It’s important to earn money and be stable, but it’s also equally important to have fun and relax. 🙂

It’s interesting that you’ve read so many books telling you to schedule your life. I feel like the books that I’ve read on productivity have two main themes: 1. Wake up early (implied is go to sleep early, I suppose). 2. Prioritize your “highest” work for the time when you have the most energy.

Also, I totally feel you on taking on being a simple life hypocrite. I feel like every time that I think that, “oh this busyness is just a season of life.” I suddenly see another “once in a lifetime opportunity.” Not that they aren’t great opportunities, but I don’t have time for more right now.

ha that last part resonated with me. It’s funny…where were all these opportunities when I really needed them as a freelancer?!?! grrrrr! It’s like when you finally meet someone, then all these random people start asking you out.

AbigailP

Yep, I have a hard time saying no to extra money. Most of the time, it’s overtime, which is a little wearying but generally during relatively quiet times when volumes are low.

Still, I’m having to remember not to jump too far into my efforts on Pinterest or seeking advertisement or… any of the zillion other ways I’m tempted to put a lot more work into my day. It’s just so hard to turn off the worry that you need every extra penny!

OMG right? I could put SO much more time into stuff, especially Pinterest. I swear though if I went back and re-did all my posts, as soon as I’d finish something else newer and shinier would come along.

This is exactly the kind of post I needed right now. You’ve beautifully articulated an issue that plagues most freelancers/entrepreneurs/workaholics or just highly-driven people with a desire to earn more and have control over their lives. It seems so much as happened for you in the last year that you do probably deserve a little step back.

This is something I struggle with since do still have a good chunk of student loan debt that I want to may off fast. Lately what I’ve been doing is monthly and weekly check-in’s with myself. I ask myself at the end of every week and month if I accomplished my goals and how exhausted I felt. It’s been helpful!

This whole post reminds me of the guy from Accepted who “really wants to SLOW THINGS DOWN”. It’s a great movie, if you haven’t seen it.

I’m glad you’re starting to put limits on what you do and don’t do. You’ve worked so hard over the last 8 years that you deserve to take the time you have now and just enjoy that things are kind of easy. And you know what? You’re so damn talented there’s no way one “no” will make people not ask you to do work for them again.

Right now I have a difficult time saying no to anything. I really reached a breaking point when I was about to start my MBA program a couple weeks ago. I realized there is absolutely no way I could do this MBA program without half-assing every damn thing I’m involved in right now, from work to my book to my blog. So I put off my MBA.

Wow big decision DC. But yeah I totally get it. You are one of the hardest workers I know…and I’ve never even met you!

Believe in a Budget

I totally crashed out this month. After months of working non stop and finding time to side hustle, I was tired. Side hustling is exhausting!! I don’t know where this mentality comes from where I think I need to work in my spare time. It’s like I have guilt for just chilling. Slowing down this month was much needed!

Yes, guilt is a good word. But who is making us feel guilty? Usually ourselves!

Travis Pizel

I’m not sure where I fall on the “simple and slow living” thing anymore. On one hand, I want to truly enjoy the important things in life – family, friends, a great run. On the other hand, I’ve got a list of things a mile long that I’d love to try. Life is short, and there’s just too much awesome to experience….how can I possibly get to it all if I “slow down?” I dunno….a dilemma indeed.

I don’t mean slowing down on life and experiences, I just mean taking on extra work.

Shannon

As you know, I am SO proud of you for saying no and taking a stand for a lifestyle change that’s important to you. Giving yourself this freedom is going to pay off in a number of ways down the road and the first and most important way is that it gave you some much needed mental space.

It’s difficult to say no to extra income or an exciting new opportunity with ‘prospects’ of a good income, and I’ve fallen within this trap before. Each time I see a freelancing opportunity, I have to constantly question whether it is worth my time because when you’re writing for someone else, you are more careful, more detailed and more thorough in an effort to add lots of value to the client. Then there’s the added stress of completing the blog post on time. Of course, sometimes it is totally worth the effort and sometimes, you’re better off respectfully declining.

Yup, that definitely is a factor. It’s much more freeing when you’re just writing for yourself.

A Mindful Migration

Kudos Tonya for honoring what you truly wanted. I’m not always very good at doing that. Right now I am in more hustle mode but I’m trying to be mindful so I don’t get carried away. I’ve been at that place where I put everyone else and their needs and goals above my own and it was not a good place to be. I love how you asked yourself, “what is most important to me right now”. A great question and one I’m going to be borrowing. I have lots of things I want to accomplish and feel very unfocused. I need to get quiet and ask myself “what is most important to me right now” and focus on that. Good for you for doing it!

You’re so good at listening to your wants and needs and doing what’s best for you. Learning to say ‘no’ and ask for help are big obstacles for some people. But like you said, I think you need to ask yourself what is really important to you right now and I would add in balancing it with what you need and want.

Kara

I definitely understand those fears! They all seem so rational too…like, how could having a bigger cushion, or making a new connection, or getting more experience be a bad thing? But you’re right- not at the cost of your life. I applaud your effort to slow down!

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