Are
you ready for some football!? If you're looking forward to
seeing those great Super Bowl ads this year, you should know
that you're not going to see one of them. CBS (1) has decided
that beer commercials with half-naked women are just fine,
but advertisements about out nation's future are inappropriate.
And speaking of inappropriate... Antonin Scalia (2) went hunting
with Dick Cheney, who just happens to have business before
the Supreme Court; Republican Senate staffers (3) were caught
stealing documents from their Democratic counterparts; George
W. Bush (4) used the State of the Union address to kick off
his reelection campaign; and Trent Lott (10) was busted for
trashing Hillary Clinton. As usual, don't forget the key!

CBS
If you were looking forward to seeing MoveOn.org's "Bush
in 30 Seconds" ad contest winner during the Super Bowl,
I'm afraid you're out
of luck. CBS is refusing to air the commercial - which
shows small children performing adult jobs and asks the question,
"Guess who's going to pay off President Bush's $1 trillion
deficit?" - because CBS claims they have a policy against
running "advocacy advertising" and the MoveOn ad
is too controversial. Funny, I thought the ad was just a simple
statement of fact. I guess CBS has changed their "advocacy
advertising" policy since last year's White House-sponsored
Super Bowl ads which claimed that if you're a pot smoker you
might as well just go to Israel and blow yourself up on a
bus, you scumbag terrorist. But what's this? CBS is allowing
the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy to
run ads at this
year's Super Bowl too? Well knock me down with a feather.
Of course this has nothing to do with the fact that CBS's
parent company Viacom has spent millions
lobbying Congress to push through a law which will allow Viacom
to grow even bigger. It also has nothing to do with the fact
that CBS donates fat cash to the Republican party. No, what
this means is that criticism of Our Great Leader's policies
is now considered controversial by CBS, so you won't be seeing
any of it on their network, thank you very much.

Antonin
Scalia
A lawsuit attempting to reveal the details of Dick Cheney's
secret energy policy meetings has gone all the way to the
Supreme Court - but it looks like Vice President Crashcart
will be sitting
pretty when the final decision comes down. See, a mere
three weeks after the Supreme Court decided to take the case,
Dick Cheney invited Justice Antonin Scalia on a little hunting
expedition down in Louisiana. Scalia - clearly ever-mindful
of conflicts of interest and appearances of impropriety -
accepted, and the two enjoyed a pleasant day or two hanging
out together bagging waterfowl. But don't expect Scalia to
recuse himself from the case - for some reason he doesn't
seem to think that there's anything untoward about spending
time chumming about with a man whose case he'll be deciding
in a couple of months. In a recent letter to the Los Angeles
Times Scalia wrote, "I do not think my impartiality
could reasonably be questioned." Well I guess that clears
that up then.

Senate
Republicans
What are the first words that come into your head when you
hear the word "Republicans?" For me it has to be
"ethics" and "integrity."
Don't you agree? Sure you do. So I expect you will be shocked
- shocked - to learn that the GOP have been up to some
very
dirty tricks in the Senate for the better part of a year.
Apparently members of the Senate Judiciary Committee Republican
staff exploited a glitch in the Senate's computer system which
allowed them to access "restricted Democratic communications,"
according to the Boston Globe. Yup, while they were
out there preaching morality and responsibility, behind the
scenes the GOP were breaking into their opponents' computer
systems and as well as simply stealing files were "monitoring
secret strategy memos and periodically passing on copies to
the media." How ethical. The impropriety goes all the
way up to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who had one of
his servers impounded last week as part of an investigation
into the GOP's backdoor shenanigans. Their defense? They say
a computer technician told the Democrats of the glitch back
in the summer of 2002 and they did nothing. The Democrats
say they weren't informed until November 2003, but it's kind
of a moot point. Are the GOP really suggesting that if I tell
my neighbor his back door is unlocked and he doesn't lock
it, it's okay for me walk in and steal all his furniture?
Yup, whenever I hear the word "Republicans", I immediately
think of ethics and integrity - and their complete and utter
lack of either.

Hypocritical
Republican CrybabiesShocked
by the impact of fundraising groups such as America Coming
Together and the Media Fund, Republicans are suddenly falling
over themselves to shut
down the flow of cash heading towards Democratic coffers.
Despite having out-raised Democrats by $183 million to $82
million in the past year, Republicans are crying to mommy
that liberal fundraising groups are making too much money.
According to USA Today, "A Republican political
group, Americans for a Better Country, has asked the Federal
Election Commission to decide whether labor unions and corporations
can fund these new committees. GOP strategists admit it's
partly an effort to scare off Democratic donors. Rep. Bob
Ney , R-Ohio, chairman of the House Administration Committee,
has threatened to subpoena leaders of prominent Democratic
groups to testify before his panel. Democrats see the move
as an attempt to intimidate them and deter contributors. Republican
Party Chairman Ed Gillespie accuses the groups of 'skirting
the law' and wants greater scrutiny of their activities. The
party's lawyers have urged the FEC to curb the groups. FEC
Chairman Bradley Smith, a Republican, proposes writing rules
that could stop the groups from accepting more than $5,000
from a single donor. Hey, remember during the campaign finance
debate in Congress when conservatives insisted that money
equals free speech? I guess it turns out that money only equals
free speech if it's Republican money. What a surprise.

George
W. Bush
The State of the Union is... whatever. Dubya's big
speech to Congress fell flat last week after everyone
realized that everything he proposed is practically useless
since there's no money to pay for any of it. The speech
was simply a laundry list of divisive campaign issues, from
the PATRIOT Act to the war on terror to gay marriage, although
conspicuously absent were any mention of Osama bin Laden (remember
him?) or uranium from Niger (they're learning). In fact, the
vast and terrifying stockpiles of chemical, biological and
nuclear weapons that Bush pontificated about at length during
his previous State of the Union Address had been reduced to
"weapons of mass destruction program related activities"
this time. Q: what's the difference between weapons of mass
destruction in 2003 and weapons of mass destruction related
program activities in 2004? A: about 500 dead American soldiers.
But there were more pressing issues on Our Great Leader's
plate than our fellow countrymen and women who've paid the
ultimate price for his lies. Like steroid abuse, for example,
and abstinence education. I hope Arnold Schwarzenegger was
paying attention. Oh, and look closely at this great screen
shot, courtesy of Atrios:

Actual
screen capture from CNN Headline News during the State
of the Union Address!

The
American Family Association
The conservative American Family Association quietly dropped
plans to take the results of its gay marriage poll to Congress
last week after it
was revealed
that the majority of respondents were actually in favor of
gay marriage. This may have come as a shock to the American
Family Association, but it's really no surprise to anyone
who understands that online polls are hopelessly inaccurate
and easily skewed, ie. no surprise to anyone with half a brain
in their heads, ie. not the American Family Association. Unfortunately
AFA spokesperson Buddy Smith gave the game away when he said
"It just so happens that homosexual activist groups around
the country got a hold of the poll - it was forwarded to them
- and they decided to have a little fun, and turn their organizations
around the country (on to) the poll to try to cause it to
represent something other than what we wanted it to." Uh,
surely Buddy means, "cause it to represent something
other than the true will of the people." No? This sounds
like a job for Diebold!

George
W. Bush
Just one day after taking a trip to Atlanta to "honor"
Martin Luther King Jr. (ie. laying a wreath at Dr. King's
grave in the vain hopes that it might improve his standing
among African-American voters), George W. Bush installed Charles
Pickering to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit.
Bush used a recess appointment, bypassing
the Senate filibuster which had successfully prevented Pickering
from taking the seat. What does this have to do with Martin
Luther King, Jr.? Well, when Bush goes around talking about
civil rights and the marvelous deeds of Dr. King one day,
and then appoints a judge who once fought to lower the sentence
of a man convicted of cross-burning the next day, you have
to wonder what the hell he's thinking. Or maybe he's not thinking.

CNBC
So Dennis Miller's got a new TV show on CNBC. Whoopee. In
my opinion what TV really needs right now is another show
starring a perilously unfunny conservative egomaniac. Frankly
I don't think we have enough of them. But don't worry, Miller
is promising that this show, "however political, will
not be partisan." That must be why the scheduled guests
for Miller's first broadcast are John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani,
and Arnold Schwarzenegger. There's a nonpartisan bunch if
ever I saw one. Funnily enough, the producer of Dennis "nonpartisan"
Miller's TV show is one Mike Murphy, a political consultant
who also just
happens to be a leader of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s "California
Recovery Team" and "Californians for Schwarzenegger."
Murphy is well known in the biz as Arnold Schwarzenegger's
chief strategist, so why CNBC would hire him to produce a
right-wing TV show which just happens to book his other boss
as a guest on the first broadcast is beyond me, because surely
that's a massively unethical conflict of interest. Oh, right.
Never mind.

Ohio
Senate Republicans
Three cheers for the Ohio Senate and their ban
on gay marriage. Just think, if it weren't for the Senate's
bold action, Ohio would be flooded with gays right now,
all getting married and breaking up heterosexual partnerships.
Because as everyone knows, if we don't put a legal end to
the idea of gay marriage straight people up and down the country
will be out in the streets waving feather boas and listening
to Gloria Gaynor. Won't somebody please think of the children?
Fortunately the ban isn't just designed to discriminate against
gays, it's also designed to discriminate against heterosexual
domestic partnerships. The Associated Press reports, "The
measure says same-sex marriages are 'against the strong public
policy of the state,' and would prohibit state employees from
getting benefits for domestic partners, whether they were
gay or unmarried heterosexual couples." Hooray! What
bold, progressive strides. Makes you wonder why Republicans
are so concerned about rewarding heterosexuals for getting
married in the first place, really. I mean, I thought they
were concerned that people should get married because they
love one another and they want to procreate, not so they can
cash in on their partner's health insurance. But hey, if that's
what the GOP wants to encourage, whatever...

Trent
Lott
And finally, the Mississippi Hair-Helmet revealed last week
that he still has trouble keeping his mouth shut when his
brain isn't working. Trent's foot-in-mouth disease lost him
his position as Senate Majority Leader last year when he praised
Strom Thurmond's segregationist run for president, but he
hasn't stopped there. In the Washingtonian's February
edition,he is quoted
by National Editor Kim Eisler referring to Hillary Clinton
as "butt ugly," demonstrating the kind of gravitas
and respect for his fellow senators that earned him a place
as one of America's most beloved political figures. Uh, I
mean, despised right-wing hacks. Thank goodness Trent's such
a looker,
eh? See you next week!

The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"

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