I gather frum yore last post that you too hab seen thru the beleegured khing's paltry attempts at garnering support. I yam a broken man now after discovering the extant obv hiz dilutions.

Obv corse I waz unmovd by khnadoo's plajaristic attempt wif bastarding pore Jimi's "Wind Cries Khnadoo" in a vain atemt to woo hiz Duck back to the duckhouse. It wabz a transparent effort at the least and if hiz overchurz become enny thinner you culd read a magazine through him.

The usurper BWLKOT's undercurrents hab also not gone unnoticed by my spies in the Royal Palace and it's plain to see thet he iz weezeled hizzelf into khnadoz' condiments fore personal gain and also hiz title's worf brings great questions to my mind sinz he iz about my own age and tharfore in a state ob permanent confusion and wondermnet at all thingz around him and so knowz nothing at all for a certainty. I wuld warn khning khnadzo of hiz dupaucity but my former monarch iz deaf to enny and all rebukes regarding hiz royal "appointments" that he habz slathered like sweet Oleo accrost this burnt eggroll ob a thread.

Tharfore artbrooks, I must comment you fer not joing in wif the Royal Entourage ob Sychophants thet khing khnaddzo hab gathered unto hiz robe's (evening gown, skirt whatever'z) hemline. I would suggest that you try accordian music and consider joining wif me and Sir Walter LiddleHarg in the quest to exalt Queen CaroltheSailor R., Good Garden Products and Accordian music in any form it may take.

Your Queening ceremony in the FrozenNorth is most impressive. I will Double Talk the king of Mississippi about it and perhaps he will deign t look at the pictures, and struck by your presence and personal aura, deem it wise to seek peace.

If not, I fear the future -- should Orillia decide to declare war on mississippi, or the other way around, lives could be ruined and damage wrought in the tens of dollars!!

The title that Our Gracious Lord has seen proper to bestow upon my humble self is Knower of Things. Please note that it is not Knower of All Things, or Knower of Many Things, or even Knower of a Slightly Higher Than Average Number of Things. In actuality, the only things that I know for sure are that plastic Walmart chairs are, indeed, buzzard porta-potties and that you was a dumb-ass to leave buzzard porta-potties on yore patio while the buzzards was migratin'. I also know that one should never buy sushi from a vending machine. That's it.

I retrack my earlier oblivation and concede thet you do indeed know a couple obv things but bleliebv Khning Khnadazoo could adjudicate yore so-called "title" to reflect a more akorate deflection of yore limited menu. It is true that sushi from a vending machine iz not a good idea to eat unless yore hungry or hab a fambly of migratory buzzards to feed and also it may be true thet I am a dumbass for setting out the plastic Walmart chairs, but that iz only one and a half things or at best mebbe two in totuss. My remedation would be to change this syruptishus monikle to Knower Ob a Cupple Things, Knower of One and a Half Things And Mebbe Two Things so az not to raise false hopes of yore peers and underlings az if indeed thar culd be enny below yore Royal station!

Well, if you think that a three legged dachshund will gain you any favor with Queen CaroltheSailor R. I wish you luck. Her Majesty abhors the amputation of small dogs' limbs for any purpose other than if they are caught in a sudden avalanche and forced to remove a forepaw with their pocket knife. I hope I havb not overstepped my station in speaking thus for HRHCTSR., but I feel confident that her policy is one of four footed dachshunds only.

Being known as the Peace King for nearly seventy years now, I feel it would be amiss for me not to offer the olive branch at this time.

I suggest a coalition between me, khandu-King of All Mississippi, and Carol the Crapper Quean. I am not suggesting that she be my Quean, nor I her King. But that we asccept one another's rank (And with Carol being the Crapper Quean, I would say that she is more rank than I!) and work together toward harmony.

A "cold war" is a nasty thing, and I, King khandu of Mississippi, am bigger than one who joins in with such drivel, as I suspect carol the Crapper Quean to be.

I offer Peace and extend the latex-rubber gloved hand of Friendship to her and her followers.

Will she prove me, khandu-the King of All Mississippi, right and be a big girl and accept the offer of Peace?

I thank you, my dear Jessup (the unconfirmed Minister of Golden-Tongued Double Talk) for you valuable and wise input. However, what we have here is a "sticky" situation. Peace never comes easily. It must be "hammered" out between the parties involved.

Though I am certain your concern is sincere (your self obviously being a peaceful man), I must say that sometimes concerned observers cause confusion and are actually a hinderance to the process of Peace.

Therefore, I ask that you keep public comments regarding the Peace process to a minimum.

Do not feel that this is a rebuke! Perhaps there is a place for a man of your abilities in the more private "behind the scenes" arena!

Now, your Majesty, ain't no use stamping yore purdy little feet about it. You were photographed with the PortaPotti Keys and a crown on your head, wasn't you? An' that makes you queen, doesn't it? SUrely you see the logic of it??

'Course there IS precedent for abniddication, but that ain't the Canadian way!! (Well, of course, then, neither is being queen, now that you mention it!! :>))

Greetings from The United States Justice Department. Our President sends his regards as well.

To get right to the point, King, we here at Justice need your help with a little problem. We have been pursuing an ongoing investigation into a string of incidents of vandalism of United States Government property. Specifically, someone has been writing grafiti on the walls of the men's restroom in the Amtrak rail station in Atmore, Alabama. In an attempt to unearth the perpetrator of this vandalism, we have transcribed the grafiti and instructed our new top secret metasearch engine to look for the presence of any similar data strings on websites throughout the WWW. Well, Sire, we scored a bullseye and it has led us directly to this thread.

These messages, posted by one styling himself "Bee-dubya-ell", are word for word verbatim transcriptions of grafiti written in blue Sharpie pen on the men's room wall of the Atmore, Alabama Amtrak station.

Sire, it is our understanding that you have been duped into adopting this "Bee-dubya-ell" person as "Royal Poet Lariat of Mississippi". We feel that it would be in the best interest of the Kingdom of Mississippi if you were to turn this miscreant over to our agents as soon as possible. Of course, there is no extradition treaty between our two countries, but bear in mind that there are also no extradition treaties between the U.S. and Afghanistan or Iraq. We don't worry about that much anymore, do we?

As you well know, being a man of great intellect, that I, khandu-King of All Mississippi, have spent over 82 years routing out miscreants. I shall not desist in my attempts to make Mississippi and America a safe place for all who are worthy of such a world.

I read your missive with great interest and commitment to co-operate as best as I, King khandu, am able.

However, there exist a situation that hinders my ability to do so fully at this time. To illucidate you, I shall give the following data:

There is one miscreant here at the Mudcat Cafe who often posts "in cognito". He has posted as Ms. Penelope Rutledge in the recent past, and this bold devil then had the audacity to say that it was me, King khandu, who made the bogus post!

This same miscreant has voiced very strong opposition to Mr bee-dubya-ell, the KNOWER OF THINGS, quite recently.

It appears that he has a personal vendetta against Mr. bee-dubya-ell, and will go to great and aggressive lenghts to discredit him.

Therefore, as this situation exists, you can see that any post that speaks negatively of Mr. bee-dubya-ell is considered suspect.

Unfortunately, this includes your post.

As stated at the beginning of this response, I am more than willing to co-operate, but I can do so only when I have received absolute confirmation that it is indeed you, Mr. Rumsfield, who has made this post this evening.

As to Mr. bee-dubya-ell, I have placed in him my complete trust. I was not hasty in making my decision to exalt him as the Royal Poet-Lariat of Mississippi. After receiving the Title, he immediately showed himself deserving of even another position, the KNOWER OF THINGS, which, I must also add, he has risen far beyond my expectations in that role.

I would be heart-weary to find that what you propose is indeed the truth. However, I will fully co-operate, after receiving absolute confirmation from you, that you are Mr. Rumsfield.

Damn. I'm always one step behind ya Bee-dubya-ell. Ok give in to the man Rumsfeld. Give up your personal right to go grafiti limboing. Stand down and let them take you away to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.....

Good Lord!...a Muse ob BS! Go away foul spirit!!! Leave me now to wither like a salted sluggard!! artbrooks relegated to the title of Royal Bidet...Amos relegated to a wiper of Royal bottoms or somfing equally awful and repugilist. Jack the King of Sailors brandying hockey sticks defending his own fair Queen CaroltheSailorR. and who can find fault wif that...

....Alas and alack, ...I the First Duck ob Mizippi (twice removed), Minister of Chivalry and the Honorable Code of All Good and Pure Knights wander like a ghost in the desert senz the dream habv been pulled from my eye. Bewildered and reindeered insensible wif this turn obv events...

Regarding my previous missive to The Court of Mississippi seeking information about the one "Bee-dubya-ell" in the matter of vandalism of the Atmore Amtrak station restroom, we are please to inform you that your assistance is no longer required. We have made an arrest in the matter, and it seems that your Mr. "Bee-dubya-ell" was innocent of any wrongdoing. The person we have arrested, who goes by the name of Harry Lee Wigley, has confessed to all crimes under investigation.

Thank you O Magnanimous Khning Khnadzoff yore offer iz temptuous but I feer I should renegade myself to stumbling amongst the stones and geckos in search ob the true meaning ob all things Good and Pure.

Howsomever should you decide to kill the fatassed calf and mek some pulled beef barbecue sammitchez wif corsely chop cole slaw spread like shag carpet on the bottom bun or slice of WonderBread I would brake my fast and sup at the Royal Table yet agin.

How shall I speak of Amos? Truly, a gifted man is among us. In years tto come, many will speak of the greats; of Carlisle, of Winthrop, of Ackerman. But those who are wise in their knowledge...those in the know...will speak of Amos. In whispered tones, they shall speak, as those who speak of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and King khandu.

Tweedzerz, the last time I butchered a fatassed calf was in honor of Harry Ass Truman. However, just this morning, I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Rumsfield...get the helloutta my Kingdom and let me see you no more. Also, the fellow you arrested is not Harry Lee Wigley...HLW left this world in 1973!!!....Dumass!

Is life not grand? Just look at the wonder waiting to be discovered on this earth...better yet, in this thread!!! Because, this, my dear ones, is...

Lord Khnadzeus wrote: I commanded my Royal subjects to start shooting the corn to a sexy heifer I have in the back lot in order to fatten her up quick just for YOU!!!

Dere Khing Khnardo, I beseech you to call off the Royal Buggerers obv Cattle. I should not wish my name to be assosimated wif enny mistreatment of innocent farm animals az that would definitly not be in the Codex obv All Things Good and Pure. If possible I would intervein and ax a boon for the pore heffer and mebbe Amos could use hiz position az Royal Bottom Wiper to rub a soothing salve or some udder balm on the bewildered bovine's affected areas.

Well, Rustic Rebel, I agree it was pretty good. OK, it was darn good. BUT...in verse 8 he rhymed "again" with "two"!!! Now, the way I see it, there are several possible explanations here: (1) In San Diego dialect, "again" rhymes with "two". (2) He originally thought the current Prexodent was Bush X (that is to say, Ten) then forgot to change the other line when he realized his error. (3) This verse is a secret code message for Saddam Hussein and/or Tony Blair. (4) Living as he does in San Diego, the northernmost city in Mexico, he originally wrote the song in Spanish--"otra vez" and "dos" being...well, would you call them near rhymes? (5) He can't write rhymes to save his life, and all the other lines were just lucky guesses.

The truth is even stranger and one of those things that make certain pieces of art suddeny become valuable beyoind all measure, like the stamps they print upside down in error.

You are fortunate, here in this thread, that you have had a first edition on your screen, before the corrections come out and restore the work to its merely astronomical value. I would suggest you center the monitor on the original version and freeze it to capture those immortal but flawed lines on their == put the whole monitor in the freezer and leave it there. It will be worth a LOT some day, I am telling you right now!!

OK -- the truth is that I was briefly visited by an alien who spoke a tongue in which "Two" and "L" are not only whyming but identical. He was so enamored of the original line that he interrupted me just as I was going to update it with something more assimilable by earthlings, and he insisted it was more than perfect just as written.

"We will not heed this spawn of hell, Nor turn on poor BeeDubya-Ell But Rumsfeld turn around again And send him back to Dumbo Ten"

would work, and also please the alien, whose home planet is actually called Dumbo Ten. Wouldn't mean much to Urflinks though.

I am inclined to prefer.

... "But Rumsfeld give the Bummer's Rush And back to Bushie quickly flush"

Judging from the Spawn of BS in the environment I would say that although much unwed, she is prolifically reproductive in every walk of life. Either that or she is claiming an ancestral role which she does not deserve. So it seems BS is also round-heeled and easily persuaded...

My dear Jessup, I am awed! You are certainly surfing high on the latest wave of spewed vomit this thread has produced. Your peotry...impeccable (Except Mark Cohen did peck on it a bit...so I guess it aint reall"impeckable"!)

Your response to Mark...brilliant! After I finish this post, I am gonna follow the instructions and put this thing in the freezer!

Your restraint, understatement and subtlety in the last post is that of a Master Wordjessup!

I want you all to look at artbrooks last post. Did you notice that my personal asswipe uh, bidet, has affected Tweed's manner of speech. I believe that this is an attempt to "fill the void" which Tweed left in my Kingdom, and, therefore, he thinks that I will promote him to First Duck in Tweed's stead. Never happen!

However, I shall promote him to anonther position with greater responsibility...

Be it known that my Personal Royal Bidet, artbrooks, shall now be expanded in his office to...EVERYONE'S PERSONAL ASSWIPE BIDET!!

My Lord Khnadnuts, I prey to begin by returning felicitatious offerings for best of Mother's Day, you Muvver!! Also I would undress,in publik, yore resent PMS accusing me of being unintelligibble and coarse in speech.

The Grate State ob Florida,being second only in complete and udder ignornze to yore own mismanaged Khingdom iz no doubt respondable for my speech inflections and narcossis, but close proximatory contak wif the Motherlode of Low Budgied Schools habv run me obver the cliff and deepre into the darking.

Howsomevver that may be, yore reighn haz clarly invoked an awesome depth ob deprabation and true ignornze which succumbs ever wider by the hour and does multiply like the mink and the badger. I waz oncet a nearly senchant being but lately havb cast off all false hopes of enny intelligent conversment capabilitys. I regret thadid haz become necklacsary of late to adopt this manner ob...er...communicating to throw off the pedants and The Royal Buggerers ob Cattle which habituate these hectares, subsisting only on the flesh obv the half and quarter witted. I find thet it confusifies the overtlysentientiative and they hab no idea whar to begin correcting my texts and thus I yam left to roam free az I please and habv foulnd true bliss in this discomfture.

Posonby soom day all human peeple in Mudcat will vomit forth such gibberish and realise the follo ob serious leveled circumscizhions and that they are realy only a chromasome away from treu libation and trufth az well!

Aslo wif high regard to Mother's Day,my long sovvering wifer habz voiced some consternable invocations re: my outbursts of laughers fallod by heaving sobs and violent jerking movenents senz this MOTHER OF ALL BS THREAD began, but we got her a nice fountain/buzzard baff for Mothers Day and it iz bubbling on the patio where she sits supine in Zenlike contemplation ob all things ethereal.

Yerz, Sir TweedFKOTROMAATEBGAP

FORMER KNIGHT OB THE REALM OB TUPELO AND ALL THINGS ETHEREAL BOF GOOD AND PURE

Do thou go forth, all brave of countenance and dire of mien, and speak to thine own true wife, who has born all manner of outrage in her commitment to travel thee with along the many tortured passages of your fevered history. Do thou, good Sir, on one knee before her lower thyself, and speak to her words of comfort that she shall know your current derangement is not by a temporary trifle, and that surely she shall see her love once more. Forward to her, Sir, on my behalf and on thepart of all good Mudcats everywhere, our remonstrances of deepest affection and compassionate commiseration, and wish upon her lily brow only the kindest and best wishes for this day of All Muvvers.

An' you fail me Sir, it shall haunt you unto the grave, for thou hast an angel in attendance who shall not be slighted!!

I will take yore advice under deliberation and recuse my miserable self upon her sweet mercies.

She becomes exceeding morose however, and I habv reason to beehive thet it iz largey due to the buzzards' curious and unnerving behabvior. The malodormouse beasts khanbee seen lined up signalfiled from the grapefruit tree to her new fountain, squawking and jostling one another and generaly causing much chaos to ensue. For some unentrailable reason they look upon the Fountain ob Motherly Serenity, wif a casteing ob a lithe woman holding her little umprella, az thar own bidet and their non stop ablutions are most disturbing to witness from close quarters! I need not tell you what a bizarre site it iz to watch a buzzard laving it's arse from a Walmart lawnchair not five feet distant!

I will tharfore send out a call to my FloridaBrether, the disenfranchised BeeWL by pidgeon ef I can capture one alive, and ax hiz advize senz he seams well-versed in buzzard lore and oslo wabez, until recently, the Royal Pomade Lariat.

That failing, I will call in the highly traned and effervescent artbrooks who will be able to make short work obv this situation, so you see I hav given seromous thought to the problem and my dear wif's impending conflagration.

I thank you most seniley for yore good advice and council and reamane...

I must confess that you chaps have me giggling over my tea and cookies here. I have never seen a barrage of silliness to equal this thread, which is earning its title handsomely. What puzzles me is how you get other things done, such as shopping, bathing, eating meals, and so on.

My schedule is quite full, so I can only stop in momentarily, but I try to keep an eye on things. Today I addressed the Ladies' Auxiliary on the merits of grooming one's dog or cat frequently. I am very much involved in improving the lives of the pets in this community.

I would gather that Tweed has recovered from his last pretty obvious binge, and I hope that he is now considering my sage advice, and tossing away the bottle for good. I find it hysterically funny that he thinks (apparently) that I am Khandu. I've seen photos of Khandu. He's a skinny, but fairly presentable fellow with an artistic sort of look. He resembles me in no wise.

'Tis wisely said that every tragedy contains the seeds of a great opportunity, and thus it is in your own perilous case. I urge you not to grow unduly faint, nor yet succumb to the inevitable Vapours induced by the notion recently bruited about these parts that you are Khandu. No recourse to mere physical description is necessary, I assure your esteemed self, to put the lie to such meretricious calumnies. It is in the very breath of your language, the intimate style of yourperspective, and it cannot be gainsaid how different, indeed, you are in every way from his Royal self.

However, from this tragic assertion of similitude where none may be found, let us scrutinize the matter to detect the pearl ofopportunity, dear Madam. For it lies now within your power, as it may never have before, to acheive a transcendant and divine transforation. The subject having thus been breached, unwittingly, the door has been cast wide ajar for your own benefit -- for, deny it though you may, the wonderful truth is that you are facing the opportunity of all opportunities -- dare I say the Mother of all Opportunities? For you, dearest Madame, are now in the enviable position of becoming Khandu! Oh, the lips tremble in the very saying of it!!

All that is required, fairest Penelope, is that you apply yourself energetically to resisting ferociously all assertions of any similarity -- dispel, rebut, counter-argue, debate and refute them at every turn! I am assured by those most versed in the Intricacies of Metaphysical Mechanics that, without doubt, your application in this wise will surely being about a transformation, and you shall acheive, in the end, the glorious reward I have mentioned of joining his Highness in Unique and Indisitinguishable State of Being, which is Khandu.

I remain madame, your most obedient servant and devoted supporter, and transmit to you herewith my profound wishes for success in this sublime transmogrification,

Thar is no need whatsomever for the transendangered Mz.P to BECOME Lord Khnardwitz, Amos. I habv run electronic posting programs (a Beta download from Ashcroft's Personal GeoCities site) and habv determined without much dowtt she/he really iz Khargwarts, khing ob all Mizippi or a very closet relative ob Hiz!!

Do not be fuelish and taken in by her/hiz refined demanor and ridikomous talk ob pet grubbing. Wif the wighat an' red dress on she iz even more powermus and deceptioness than wif the Cherokee headress seen to adorn hiz Royal cranius most days.

Watch yore backside Sir Amos, no amount obv lassitudes or golden tonguing will avail you if you fall victual to this Harpy from Hell!!

As an observer of the Human condition for over twelve decades, I feel compelled to speak on a matter which now lies before you. The one called "Amos" has touched upon a great Truth, howbeit, it was merely a "touch". He, in his limited condition of humaness, is not able to go beyond the outskirts of this Truth without someone from within the Edenic Reality giving him guidance.

Such is true with all humanity.

I, being ascended, today present "snippets" of the Truths within this Reality, forasmuch as I elect to see if any shall take these Truths and enter deeper.

"KHANDU" and "khandu" are not the same. "KHANDU" is a state of being, while "khandu" is a being who is nearing that state. To be "KHANDU" is to be, no...not "one with the universe", but rather, the Universe itself.

My disciple, who I took upon my lap in 1911, has proven a true and faithful disciple. khandu has been my reflection upon this Earth for decades. As each day slips into Never-never, khandu has only more greatly reflected his Mentor, HLW.

Indeed, Ms Penelope Rutledge can become "KHANDU"! But the cost is great. Amos Jessup has shown her the first "smooth" path to becoming Khandu, but there will be many more paths for her. The more she pursues the paths, the harder they become. However, she will grow more able to take the next path with each passing path,

At this point, I must present a conundrum...To "Be" one must first see that he already "Is".

To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU".

I speak in riddles because I speak of Life.

Perhaps the following is a good place for Ms. Rutledge (or anyone else trying to reach "KHANDU") to begin.

That Wigley character is a right tortoise and a puredee fraud in my estimation. For one thing it is obvious if he took anyone on his lap in 1911, it wasn't Khandu. Probably his own niece, Khandu's mother, who was traumatized by his electronic affirmations. Anyway, I am sure he is a highly evolved spiritual windbag, but not much more than that. Now I have heard Mister Khandu's music, and it is extremely earthbound stuff, and guaranteed to wring the heart of any humanoid adolescent. So someone is passing around the Codwallop.

By jove, you now have me laughing heartily! Amos, you could have a wonderful career making speaking tours throughout the British Isles, entertaining the intelligentsia in drawing rooms everywhere! I suggest you get right on it. I would be happy to book you into an appearace in Twillingsgate posthaste (to use a term which Khandu clearly loves...). Malcolm Buggeroll would no doubt be green with envy, and the frustration might lead him to perform some rash act which would land him before the magistrate. I, for one, would like to see that. I could also arrange for you to meet Oakley, in whom I think you would find a kindred soul...and he plays the violin beautifully.

Now, as for attaining the exalted state of KHANDU...I understand the concept, but I'm not really ready for it at this time. I'm enjoying my sense of individuality, being Penelope Rutledge, a bit too much as yet to want to become EVERYTHING. Perhaps when I'm an old lady...

As Harry Lee Wigley says in his utterly BRILLIANT exposition above: "To become "KHANDU", one must realize that he already is "KHANDU"."

Marvelous! Harry Lee Wigley should also come to Twillingsgate forthwith, posthaste, and with utmost dispatch! He is clearly a seer of the first water. I am impressed.

I have not received a message from you by pigeon regarding your ongoing problem with migrating black vultures (Coragyps atratus). If you were, in fact, able to catch a pigeon (aka common rock dove, Columba livia) and attempt to send a missive in such a manner, it is entirely likely that your messnger was eaten by one of the red-tailed hawks (Buteo jamaicensis) that frequent the trees around my humble abode.

At any rate, having been made aware of your predicament via your prior posting to this thread, I shall take the liberty of advising you of an effective means of removing vultures from your plastic Walmart chairs (aka "Buzzard Porta-potties").

First, you must obtain some armadillos (Dasypus novemcinctus). They do have armadillos in West Palm Beach, don't they? If they don't, get in your car and drive north until you find some. If you must, just drive up here to northern Santa Rosa County and I'll give you all you'll ever need. PM me in advance and I'll have you a 144 cubic foot U-Haul trailer full of them by the time you get here.

Now, after obtaining the armadillos, take them to your patio where the buzzards are roosting and let them out of their cages. As any fool knows, armadillos are the absolute favorite food of Florida buzzards. However, the vast majority of Florida buzzards have never seen a live armadillo before. Their primitive buzzard brains will see the armadillos and go, "Food!". But, when they see the armadillos move those same primitive buzzard brains will go, "Holy Shit! Food don't s'posed ta move!". The very presence of moving food will scare off approximately ninety percent of the buzzards in question. The other ten percent will simply follow the armadillos around, waiting for them to assume the flattened and immobile condition with which the buzzards are more familiar. The 'dillos will walk out into traffic and be struck by cars in short time (after all, that is the armadillo's true raison d'etre) and the buzzards who will have been following them closely, will be dispatched by the very same vehicles.

A simple and effective plan, I'm sure you will agree.

Bruce (Takin' a break from the idjit schtick - but he'll be baaack...)