A Mother's Journey Through Grief

Menu

Understanding Hurtful People

The sad truth about humanity is sometimes when people are hurting, they feel it is necessary to cause pain to others. People who come from a place of love have difficulty understanding the motives of such persons. When one becomes a target of such behaviour, how can one cope while remaining in the light?

I have always believed in the power of understanding. By putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes for a moment, our eyes become open to their perspective. Whether it be real or imagined, this view IS their reality. In order to do this effectively, you must open your mind and disengage from your own reality.
People either act in love or in fear. Ask yourself: what does he/she fear? Is this fear rational? If the fear is not rational, ask: what is happening to cause this misperception?
One of the most difficult components of conflict resolution is one’s ability to recognize the misperceptions of others. It’s easy to judge; it’s challenging to understand why others see things the way they do. By identifying the fear (which is the basis of their behaviour, the catalyst), we can then use our own judgement to determine whether the fear is logical.
Often people will act out without awareness of their fear. People who do this are in an unconscious state. Practicing presence helps keep us grounded which prevents us from reacting on impulse. Remember this when dealing with someone who has hurt you and remember to practice presence yourself.
Next, ask: how does this fear involve me? Could I have said or done something that may have been misinterpreted? Could I have neglected to do something? Accept responsibility for anything you may have done, consciously or unconsciously, even if it was misperceived. If you can’t identify anything, remain open to the possibility that it can exist without your awareness.
It is always possible that the person’s fear is internal and they may be projecting this fear onto you. This is a way of refusing to take responsibility and is a form of manipulation. If you suspect this may be the case, be cautious!
Once you identify the fear and understand the person’s perspective, how should you react?
Never REact. Always own your wrongdoings and take responsibility for them. Accept that your actions may be misperceived. The need to react will likely vanish once you see the bigger picture. By reframing the situation, the need to react dissolves. This is how to stay in the light. Reactions are like fuel being added to the fire. Instead, look within and forgive. Discuss the issue in a calm way while remaining present. Be mindful of your words, tone, and body language. ACT with LOVE! Then stop and observe what happens. It may amaze you.
How do you handle the manipulator? By accepting them for who they are and choosing where you want them in your life. You can’t change these people but you don’t have to accept how they treat you. Love yourself enough to walk away and remember their actions are not a reflection of who you are.