June 2017

June 12, 2017

Sooooo.... it's been a while. We made a last minute trip to NY, which was fun but exhausting and Momo got sick. Then I got sick. And Noah left town for work for two weeks, and so it goes. Sometimes we are just trying to put one foot in front of the other, right? What the past few weeks have got me thinking about is am I really ready to saddle up and do this FET in August?

Answer, no.

And this is the luxury of having an embryo on ice. A kidsicle, as one of my friends calls it.

I did my blood work, again for the zillionth time and realized I am still so run down I can't fathom being pregnant again. I don't know if my body would oblige. The thought of the progesterone shots and the drive to the fertility clinic for monitoring feel...like too much. So I'm trusting my gut and pushing back. Maybe October/November. On the one hand I feel relived and will continue to enjoy several cups of morning coffee and a sweet hard cider before bed, but on the other hand I feel a slight panic. It's the same panic many of us feel on IF Island, the panic of time passing x age/ number of gray hairs. I'm not getting any younger and in fact I think I might be aging exponentially. I might be 57 next year. I have these moments where I think about/laugh at how pre-IF Island I thought I'd have two kids by 33 and I have to fight a twinge of resentment to the universe that five years of my life somehow got sucked down a strange vortex. I fight this by looking at Momo and appreciating the fight for her and the amazing human that she is.

Part of my wanting to move forward with embryo #2 is wondering if it will work, and wondering what we will feel if it doesn't. Is the baby making chapter closed, perhaps. Will we try on our own until I'm 50? Probably. Will we explore an egg donor...that one I don't know about but probably not. All we can do is cross these bridges when we get to them, it's just kind of hard to get to them right now.

I have several friends right now in process. One had a crazy experience where she passed out while doing her HCG trigger shot, fell over, knocked her head on the bathroom sink, had a small seizure and came to with blood on the back of her head. She was so afraid of going under anesthesia for the retrieval the next day, she considered doing it without but realized she might have a full blown panic attack and climb the walls. Maybe this will be something she laughs about later but all I could feel when she was describing this scene, in tears, was sad. This is her...maybe 6th IVF? She is doing everything she can and holy moly she's passed out with a bloody head the day before retrieval? It's too much. Sometimes all of this is just too much.

I guess my thoughts are really about knowing when we need to plough forward and knowing when we can or need to pull back. And realizing this... situation...for many is kind of banana pancakes. The lengths one will go for a chance at a baby--It's admirable and crazy making and for many of us just par for the course.

Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings along the path? Feeling so determined and ready to move forward versus needing to pull back? Hope everyone on IF Island is doing well. Sorry for lagging in checking in.