What Does Your Driver's License Say About You?

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The best way to chart the inscrutable depths of your being is to explore generalized systems of personality classification that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You know your Chinese restaurant placemat horoscope, and your regular old up-in-the-sky horoscope, and your spirit animal, and how to interpret the array of lonely socks that keep appearing in your dreams—but what does your driver’s license says about you?

It has a hologram.
Just look at that noble state crest! Those ever-changing chevrons! Those crazy interlocking waves! Hang that thing from the ceiling—no fiesta of yours is going to flounder so long as you’re packing THAT party in your pocket.

Your eye color is wrong.
You’re a sensitive and creative soul with depth in literature and the arts. That’s lovely. The police are really going to be moved by the play of the flashing red and blue lights in your “tempestuous Caspian” or “verdant hazel” gaze.

It’s really bendy.
I don’t know, it’s probably made out of recycled bottles or something. That’s kind of a state-of-the-art feature, isn’t it? Neato. I bet that means you’re good luck! [Lottery numbers: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, and all the other integers divisible by two.]

Your height and/or weight are wrong.
Oh no, you have a tapeworm! Alternatively, you’re extremely healthy and growing at a magnificent rate that renders laminated documents forever obsolete. Good for you. Alternatively, you’re a youuuge liar. Good for you.

You have a bad picture.
As one of 90% of Americans suffering from this condition, you should know that you’re not alone—and that it isn’t your fault. Talk to your doctor; side effects may include migraine headaches and being mistaken for an 11-year-old boy (when you are actually a 16-year-old girl).

You have a good picture.
You’re a gorgeous and fun-loving, life-of-the-party type. Live it up, because when people realize you’re a spy, there’s going to be a LOT less in the way of caviar and fur hats coming your way.

You’re an organ donor.
You will soon come into a large sum of money.

So, what does YOUR driver's license day about you? If you're one of those people who somehow managed to get a good photo, we LOATHE you.