Newcomers could use handy guide to winter

ORILLIA – As part of a concerted effort to ensure newly arrived Canadians feel welcome, the federal department of immigration recently unveiled its latest strategy for greater inclusiveness.
This official press release arrived on my desk under the following heading: “So You’ve Decided to Move to Canada in Winter, Eh?”
Here is the release, reprinted verbatim, all of which could be entirely true and was non-fabricated to the best of my abilities.
Hey there, newcomer to the Great White North, or, as we like to call it, ‘Brrrr!’
It states here on your application that you hail from (insert country of origin here) and are looking forward to experiencing your first authentic winter.
Good for you! There are few experiences more memorable than waking up to find the lawn blanketed in freshly fallen snow, or cutting a figure eight on your local pond, which must be frozen with at least five inches of clear ice to avoid a terrifying and potentially fatal outcome.
Anyhoo, in the spirit of encouraging greater quantities of togetherness, we’ve compiled some easy-to-follow tips that will help maximize your enjoyment of this frigid, but nonetheless wonderful, season, which should conclude in mid-July.
1. Embrace the cold: Below-zero temperatures can take some getting used to if you originate from a place with a warmer climate. Make the best of it by participating in our many outdoor activities, only some of which will require strenuous physical labour and/or medical attention.
On that note, do not be put off by the icicles that formed in your nasal passages while you were shovelling the driveway this morning. Nose icicles – or nose-icles, as we like to call them – are an excellent indication that you are actually still breathing.
2. Get to know your neighbour: There is an excellent chance the person living next to you owns a snowblower. We cannot overstate the importance of treating this person VERY well, because he or she may be good enough to plow your driveway one morning while you are bedridden due to a severe case of Soggy Boot Liner.
3. Revel in the joy of Canada’s national pastime: Unfortunately for you, the players and owners of the NHL are mired in a protracted dispute over money and many other complex issues, such as money.
As an alternative, let us suggest an affordable and widely accessible alternative: street hockey. In this game, opposing teams of neighbourhood children vie for athletic supremacy while dodging moving vehicles. Check local bylaws, as some communities banned street hockey in recent years due to interactions with moving vehicles. In that case, we suggest you explore a less-publicized activity, such as:
4. Tobogganing: On the face of it, this might seem like an irrational pursuit, but ruddy-cheeked youngsters across this great nation will gladly spend countless hours racing down hills on sleds of questionable quality, many of them without head protection.
Have no fear: some of these same children will go on to become tomorrow’s leaders. Hint: Federal Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism Jason Kenney is a big fan of tobogganing, and I think we’d all agree that he’s just totally awesome.
Look for our next press release, due out in the summer of 2013: “Blackfly Bites and You – The Good News Is, It’s Not Fatal.”