Is Your Child’s School Gaslighting You?

In recent months, the term ‘gaslighting’ has entered our
daily conversation and it got me to thinking and reflecting on my time as a
parent of school-age gifted children. Traditionally, gaslighting refers to
spousal relationships, but take a look at this list of signs you’re being
gaslighted:

You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

You start to question if you are too sensitive.

You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple
decisions.

You find yourself constantly apologizing.

You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior. (partner
= the school)

You feel like you can’t do anything right.

You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

You have the sense that you used to be a more confident,
relaxed and happy person.

You withhold information from friends and family so you
don’t have to explain things.

Of course, this isn’t a one to one correlation, but there
sure are a whole lot of similarities with how parents are made to feel when
dealing with school districts regarding gifted education.

Parents who first suspect that their child may be gifted are
often flooded with these same feelings when confronting school officials. And
yes … it is by and large a confrontation in many instances. There are some
amazing school districts where this is not the case, but they are few and far
between.

But why? Why do school administrators seem to go out of
their way to not provide necessary accommodations for students with high
intellectual and or creative abilities? [This is where I tell you to go get a
favorite beverage and put your feet up.]

Reason #1:

MONEY … they believe it takes a lot of money to provide a
gifted child with an appropriate education. They fail to realize that many
alternatives are more about perceptions of what being ‘gifted’ means and less
about resources.

Reason #2:

MYTHS … ‘all children are gifted’; ‘gifted children will do
fine on their own’; ‘gifted children have already been given a head start by
virtue of their socio-economic status’; ‘gifted programs are simply another
road to racial divides’; ‘gifted programs take away resources from the less
fortunate’; and on and on and on.

Reason #3:

PERSONAL BIAS … it’s sad to say, but some school officials
make decisions affecting students based on personal bias. I can’t tell you have
many times I’ve been told that the best way to advocate in a particular school
is to find personnel who have gifted kids. Why? Because those who don’t, seem
to hold identified gifted children in such low regard.

Reason #4:

PRIORITIES … the squeaky wheel gets heard. Let’s face it. In
today’s world, the prime objective in most schools is to ensure every student
becomes proficient. It’s where educators’ sentiments reside. It’s where
resources should be directed. It is the single most advocated position in
educational policy. It plays well with the public.

Now that I’ve painted a dire picture, you may be wondering
if there’s even a way forward. It’s easy to give up and acquiesce to those
thoughts of being made to feel like you’re asking for too much. Wake up! You
are being ‘gaslighted’.

Here’s the most important thing to remember – it is your
child’s future we’re talking about. A recent study showed that 61% of college
failure can be traced back to a child’s high school experience. (When you hear
the term ‘helicopter parent’; think gaslighting.) As a parent, it is your job
to advocate for the best possible education for your child. Not what the school
says they deserve … what they need to live life to the fullest.

So, what can you do to change all this? I’m often reminded
of a book my parents used to talk about by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Be realistic about the situation in which you find
yourself. Understand that there are people who are trying to manipulate you in an
effort to further their interests; not yours.

Chances are, you are fairly intelligent and having a gifted
child may not have been a big surprise. Raising one is a totally different
thing.

School is not what it was when you were there 20+ years ago.
If you don’t think so, be adamant about spending a day in your child’s school
(this may well require you to get all the appropriate clearances, but you’ll
need these anyway if you want to be active in your child’s school life at any
point).

Educate yourself about everything related to your child’s
education. This is hard work. It takes time. It is involved. You should
research all aspects of what the term ‘gifted’ entails. (Hint: it probably
isn’t what you think.) You must know what school policy is and state laws
require regarding gifted education. (Hint: it’s different in virtually every
locality.)

Understand where school officials are coming from. Learn who is
sympathetic to your cause. As I mentioned earlier, try to find out who in your
school district (teachers, administrators, school board members) have gifted
children. They will be your allies in advocating for what is best for your
child.

Don’t go it alone. Find like-minded parents who can guide
you along the path of parenting these unique kids. There is a gifted community
out there; you just have to tap into it. This may require you to join (form) a
parent group or organization; seek counseling from a therapist or psychologist;
become involved in advocacy.

Most importantly, hold your child close. This may sound like
an overreaction, but it isn’t always easy with gifted children. They are an
independent lot! Take time to build a loving and trusting relationship when
they are young. You’ll be glad you did when those tween and teen years hit. You
will want them to be your partner in any advocacy efforts you make. There is
nothing more deflating to gifted parenthood when you finally get the school to
accommodate your child’s needs and your child says they have no interest in
gifted anything. It happens more often than you think.

Raising gifted kids is definitely a challenge. Understanding
the implications of being gaslighted can certainly clear up some of the mystery
involved in dealing with schools and people who may not have the best interests
of your child in mind, even though they say they do. We all want our children
to grow up to be happy, fulfilled adults. This doesn’t happen by accident. It
takes commitment, perseverance, and a whole lot of love.

I am a gifted education advocate and work with gifted communities worldwide. I hold a B.A. degree in Sociology.
On Twitter, I am the moderator of Global #gtchat Powered by the Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented held Fridays at 7PM EDT. An average of 1,200 tweets reaching 1.5 to 2 million Twitter accounts are devoted to this global discussion every week. I have expanded the reach of #gtchat to include a Facebook Page and Blog.
Gifted Parenting Support is read in over 100 countries and its readership includes parents, educators, and academics.
I have presented at the 2012 and 2013 TAGT Annual Conferences; 2012 TAGT Parents’ Conference; 2013 PAGE Conference; a Symposium on Gifted Parenting at the 2013 WCGTC Conference; and will present at the 2014 TAGT Annual Conference. I am a member of TAGT, PAGE, NAGC, and WCGTC. In 2013, I was named to NAGC’s Parent Editorial and Content Advisory Board.
Currently, I am seeking opportunities to present at conferences, moderate your Twitter chat or to be your online community manager. I may be reached at ljconrad@yahoo.com