Never turn off the TV. Ever.

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, April 8, 1998

* The History Channel commissioned a poll and found out that 77 percent of Americans think the Paula Jones case will be historically unimportant.

* The other 23 percent were watching "The Jerry Springer Show" and couldn't be bothered.

* Coming up in May sweeps for Jerry Springer: Hillary Clinton throws a chair at Paula Jones in "I Saw Your Man's Thingy."

* A left, then a right: Word is that CBS is dumping Democratic Sen. Bill Bradley (don't worry, he's still doing great on those ESPN promos) and conservative commentator Laura Ingraham (who can always go back to MSNBC, right?). Any move to rid the airwaves of politicians masquerading as news people is met with a swift "hell yes" in this corner.

* MTV's "Live From the 10 Spot" will feature Green Day in San Francisco next Friday.

* MTV will be the first Western network to completely tailor its content for a Russian market. MTV Russia will launch to 10 million households soon, with Russian music programmed by Russian VJ's reflecting Russian culture. What they don't know: In two years, there will be no videos, just "The Real World: Russia" and "Road Rules: St. Petersburg."

* Unexpected American bonus: Kennedy is sent along.

* In related news, MTV is doing a nationwide search for a new VJ, starting Monday and Tuesday at its Times Square studio. Friendly tip: Drop your last name, be skinny, be annoying and be pretty vacant.

* Absolutely do not miss this: "Bob Crane - the E! True Hollywood Story," April 19 at 8 p.m. Crane's murder was one of Hollywood's least reported tawdry affairs. Crane was into some weird porno stuff and his murder remains unsolved. Ho-gan!

* Bob Crane: Historically important.

* To be fair to MTV, the channel is trying to do more music-oriented programming. Not to be a third-grader here, but duh! Also, grab a bucket for this one: Brian Graden, executive VP of programming at MTV, told Daily Variety that viewers were becoming "more thoughtful, more soulful and more substantive." Does this mean no more "Beavis & Butt-head" reruns? Says Graden: "Even 18-year-olds are talking about neotraditionalism."

* That seals it. Bring me the head of Brian Graden.

* And for a moment, the world groaned to a halt on its axis: Jerry Springer was a guest last week on "The RuPaul Show."

* In case you've been wondering, Fred Goldman's "Search for Justice" program airs next Wednesday at 8 p.m. on

* Just because it's been a while: "Don't lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I am not Montel Williams!"

* "Dateline NBC" did a poll that revealed 68 percent of Americans worried about the safety of their children at school. What they didn't reveal: 99 percent of parents are worried their kids will watch "Dateline."

* Does anybody else get freaked out by Stone Phillips?

* Some online thing called www.iVillage.com: The Women's Network fell into an age old trap. They're advocating that parents turn off the television for a week. This is wrong. Never turn off the TV. Ever.

* Television doesn't steer kids the wrong way unless parents let it. Says this group: "Then report on what they did with their new free time and how this changed the way their families interacted." Results: With our new free time, we fought a lot and bickered about not watching TV. Then we all sulked. Late at night we tried to watch Jay Leno but the kids caught us and then shamed us.

* This is a little late, but for those of you who thought we were bashing Stanley Donen after the Oscars by saying he was "the bomb," that's actually street slang and it means, well, that he had it going on. We love Donen.

* Last week's "South Park" : A bomb, not the bomb.

* Fox will likely relaunch "Significant Others" in the summer. It tanked with just three shows while replacing

"Party of Five." Apparently, people wanted more bingeing, whining, parentless families, long stares, seething, screw-ups and the ability to get around San Francisco without apparent trouble. Who knew?

* So Penelope Ann Miller is walking away from "The Closer" because she wanted a bigger role. We prefer a more honest answer, something like, "I signed up for a sitcom and this is about as funny as "Platoon.' "

* All of this critical shock at "Teletubbies" is just so ripe. Let's see, it's fine for kids to walk in when the news is on - violence, mayhem, etc. - and we all just give in to the lunacy that is Jerry Springer, but

"Teletubbies" is going to ruin children? Bottom line: You're an adult, you're not supposed to get it.