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Monday, July 25, 2016

Where Did I Go Right?

I can't ever imagine that today, a year later I am in a greater pain. A pain that I never thought I'd experience this soon.

My first trimester.

As I shrieked in tears, and breathed heavily with my aching abdomen and my backbone piercing with so much ache on my single bed alone, I kept wondering if I shouldn't have transferred here in the first place.

Then I realized, "If I hadn't, I might not have been blessed with this pregnancy. I might not have gotten married to my husband".

I cried again.

I can't imagine if all mothers go through this pain. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to throw up so bad, as if all my system is coming out. Then I remembered my mother. Did she go through the same? Was my father besides her when she went through all this discomfort of a first child?

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We found out that we were pregnant the night before 1st Syawal this year.

For the first time I fasted for the whole of Ramadhan, and I was exhausted anticipating for my 'Ramadhan-break' due to my severe pre-mens pain.

"Soon", I guess. "Anytime soon,", since I always have my period on time though the pain is a little bit unbearable.

On the last day of Ramadhan, I knew I just have to get myself tested. There we go, our raya gift. I'd expected it, at least. The pain was abnormal.

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On the morning of our first Eid together, my husband posted a photo of us before we went for Eid prayer. Someone commented,

"Did someone got his button put on (by the new wife) this morning?"

Little did they know. I got my baju kurung and shawls matched with pins, ironed, and put on me. I just had to bathe, because I was feeling weak all morning. Throughout the week, he'll match my kurung with the shawls he bought, and have them ironed and laid for me.

I wonder, "Where did I go right?".

When I was having a high fever, on one of my trip over to Kelantan, he made sure to check my temperature all the time. Made me hot milk with ginger, made me spicy instant noodle that I've been craving (though I don't eat instant when I'm healthy), ensure (force!) me to drink a lot of water, rub my back to ease my discomfort and massage my legs. It reminds me of how my mom takes care of me when I'm down with fever. She would put wet towel on my forehead, wrap me up with a comforter so I'd sweat. She'd make me chicken porridge, and the pain of having a fever just went away with a good sleep.

I told my husband that, my mom rarely get sick because she's been eating healthily all her life.

Little did I know, my mom was having fever as well at the same time. While my head was pounding with pain, I cried for not being there for her and for not being the best for her. I felt that I don't deserve the treatment like a queen my husband is giving me.

I wonder again, "Where did I go right?".

~~~~~

Dear mom,

This very first stage of pregnancy taught me so much about you, more than I thought I knew for the past 28 years of my life. I am you. In your shoes, going through what you might have gone through. Wanting the very best for the child in you, regardless of what may come. Enduring so much pain, just to know that things will, insyaAllah go well. Hoping that this will somehow, clean-up my sins, make things better for my hereafter. Thank you for always being there for me. I love you. I can only pray that Allah will pay you with the best of the best in Jannah.

Dear husband,

Though I wanted to give so much, I ended up getting so much more from you. I expected to give you with the best treatment a wife can give regardless of all ups and downs because all my life, as I saw my mom giving her very best for us. I ended up getting the best from you. Where did I go right? How did I get you? How did we happen so fast? Allah gave us a miracle before our eyes, and that is the only gift I can give you. Thank you for your everything. Happy Birthday dear husband. I love you and I hope that Allah gives us the best protection and rizk in this dunia and akhirah.