The Dos and Don’ts (but mostly Don’ts) of Valentine’s Day for Single Girls

So yesterday I sent an email to my group of girlfriends asking who wanted to have a girls dinner on the 14th of February. I didn’t realise my mistake until I was bombarded with reply-alls informing me that “the 14th of February is Valentine’s Day, Nadine. DER”. Okay so I didn’t exactly get bombarded, as most of my friends couldn't care less about calendar enforced romance, and nobody said “DER”, but regardless I felt like a fool. It’s hard to be a Jew on Christmas/ single gal on Valentine’s Day.

I’m one of those career singles, like the Sex and the City women but not as stupid. I rarely have a partner and when I do I tend to fuck it up before you can say, “You’re the Samantha!” I’ve never been in love and I’ve never once had a Valentine. I would say I’m not sad about this but you probably wouldn’t believe me so instead I’ll say I’m not not sad and you can puzzle over what the double negative implies.

Why am I telling you all this? Buggered if I know, but I hope you enjoy my guide to being a single lady person on St Valentine’s day of days. I think there’s something in here for everybody, or at least three people.

DON’T go about saying, “I hate Valentine’s Day” and “it’s so commercial” to anyone who will listen. Don’t post it on Facebook. Don’t tweet it on the tweeting machine. There is no way to frame this sentence without sounding like a bitter loser. Also, no one cares.

DON’T listen to the mix tape your ex boyfriend gave you, especially not if it has Mazzy Star’s "Fade Into You" on it, and especially not while drinking wine. Because if you do you WILL call him and cry into the phone and beg him to take you back and ask WHY over and over again. Or so I’ve heard.

DON’T get all post-post-feminism and take yourself out for a fancy dinner because you’re an independent woman and you once saw a movie in which the girl did that and it was awesome and then she met THE ONE at the restaurant even though she wasn’t looking for him and then they lived happily ever after. This will not happen to you. You will just end up crying into your panna cotta as all the couple’s around you feed each other oysters and laugh at you for being such a saddo.

DON’T spend all day hoping you receive flowers or chocolates or a funny e-card at the very least from a secret admirer. You won’t.

DON’T send yourself flowers. There are starving children in Africa.

DON’T watch The Notebook. Watching The Notebook on Valentine’s Day is the number one cause of suicide among single women in Australia. The number two cause is listening to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

DON’T hang out with other single people. You will spend the night lying to each other about how you don’t care that you’re single because don’t need a boyfriend/girlfriend to make you happy. Then you will go home and cry wank (crank?) until you fall asleep.

DON’T go on a blind or first date. If I have to explain why, it’s possible you are beyond my help.

DO go to a singles event. It will be lame and you will feel superior to everybody there but maybe just maybe you’ll have a good time and if not you can just get drunk and silently judge people/do the worm.

DO give homemade chocolates to a male person as “an expression of love, courtesy or social obligation”. That’s what women do in Japan on Valentine’s Day and everybody knows Japan is better than Australia in every way. couykl

DO go to a talk at the State Library of NSW on ‘The Science of Sex Appeal’. A smart psychologist doctor man will talk about the mating behaviours of men and women (OOOH), and then somebody will read a bunch of old love letters (AAAH). Also, I’m pretty sure there’ll be wine.

DO cook yourself an awesome, deep-fried meal, watch Mean Girls, dance around your bedroom in your underwear to ‘Single Ladies’, and then lie spread-eagled across the bed you have all to yourself. Hey, why not have a lady fiddle as well? You deserve it.