going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

january 16th.

another weekend alone.

i can only hope for continued success and further travels.

i don't know why i enjoy the space so much. i guess it's because of a shared existence for so long now that the time alone had become very infrequent. and i never appreciated time alone before marriage. so i never knew how wonderful it was, or could be. i was always trying to fill it.

but instead of busting my own chops first thing in the morning, i'm going to focus on being positive...

with my quiet day, that is slightly warmer than the rest have been lately, i will do the following things:

1. i will work on my story.

2. i will have food and coffee that make me happy.

3. i will write a letter of encouragement to a friend.

4. i will enjoy the silence.

the story is up to 63 pages now, but more specifically, 30k words. i'm pretty happy with it, though as i went back and read the ending (written at about the halfway point in the story's completion), there were some things that didn't work at all, that i'm going to have to fix.

food and coffee can be had at a place that is making a donation to haiti relief, so that is a very small way that i can help. i'm quite successful at not watching the news/reading the paper/whatever. i get all of my info from friends, sporadically. so i really know nothing about haiti, except that there's an earthquake and that a lot of people died and that it was pretty severe. but if i can eat and help, then i'll do that.

which reminds me. the only time i ever did anything for charity, or relief, rather, was when katrina happened. i was so broke then, but i gave $50 to the red cross to help, because i felt like i HAD to do something.

so i generally don't complain about global situations, but also do nothing to help. i guess i'm kindof an asshole. ignorance has always worked for me. not well, by any stretch, but it's a defense mechanism. if i don't know, i can't get upset about it.

watching the news is just so depressing anyways. and fear inducing. and at least half of it isn't really news at all. and what's left is probably mostly spin, so...

i'm becoming cynical and a conspiracist in my old age? ugh.

the letter to a friend is really just a returned email. he sounded sad. thought i'd brush off his knees and boost his ego a little.

and about the silence: i'm a person who fills my ears with music. all the time. i cannot work without it (in coffee), i usually cannot write without it on in the background. but the last couple times ever has left me alone in the house, i have refused to turn on any music, for the ENTIRE time.

somehow sitting in the silence makes me feel even more alone. and for whatever reason, i'm perfectly happy being alone. i always thought that being alone meant feeling lonely. for me, it always did.

and now all i ever want is to be left alone. to do what i want, when i want, on my own time. to not be told what to do or when to do it. to not be guilted into spending time together. i mean, i've been spending more time with my friends, so it might not be fair at all to even call it being alone.

but i do like the time by myself, and the occasional time with my friends.

and it feels bad to say it, or write it, but i feel like i can really be myself when i'm alone, or even when i'm with my friends. i hate that i'm a slightly different version of myself when i'm with ever. i feel like i can never be completely honest.

i mean, we talk, and i'm honest. but sometimes i feel like just being with him is a lie of some kind. i felt that way last when we had dinner with his mom. like my being there at the dinner table with him and her was some kind of a lie.

like we were silently attesting 'everything is fine, mom, we're great' by being there. when we weren't great at all.

that is how i mean that it feels like a lie. because i tell him that i'm working on it, thinking about us, trying to figure things out. and in a way i am. but in another way, i've already made up my mind about it.

i don't feel like i can be happy with him. and i also feel like i could be happier if i was with someone else. but right now, i think i'd be happiest if i was just ALONE.

and, then, a story about last night...

i had a rough night last night. i felt like i was caught in a trap. snagged in mire. i went somewhere that i wasn't aware that i was going. slightly tricked, though it wasn't intentional. ever failed to mention a key piece of information when we were invited somewhere.

kit and i felt so completely out of place, it was horribly awkward. neither of us are yuppies, but in our surroundings, we BECAME yuppies. complete with logo'd cups of coffee from the place i HATE. i hated having their coffee in my hand as it was, but the fact that i had it in my hand, in the place where i was standing? worse. if it had been a movie, there would have been music playing before we walked in, and when we walked in, the record would have screeched to a halt. followed by a laugh track.

but we made a good time of it. dancing with maybe two or three other people in a room full of people. we'd never see these fools again, so what did it matter?

at least, most of the time, when you're in a socially awkward situation, you can drink. that will not only take the edge off, but will also give you something in common with the people around you. make you feel a little less different.

but we were three hours from home, so drinking was not an option.

we stuck it out, and as it got more crowded, i didn't feel like the people were so much staring at and judging us. and then we left to be home by 3 am, and it was over.

a quiet ride home. well, a ride home with really loud awesome music, but not much talking. we had an intruder in the car, who ever had so kindly volunteered us to take home, maybe it just made more sense (to me, anyways) to not talk at all. i was afraid i'd forget he was there, and say something that would unravel something else.

but now i know. and i learned a lesson. next time, get all pertinent details BEFORE traveling three hours from home. because ever doesn't always think to give important details. because he loves to say, 'you didn't ask'.