Our society is rife with misinformation due to many fake news stories circulating the internet. In the current political climate, many question what exactly it means to be an “American” (from the United States). Racial tensions are high. Should we let refugees enter our country? What about immigrants? What is our very identity as a nation? In the world’s greatest “melting pot,” when should we stop adding to the recipe and start calling ourselves a bisque?

Well, as usual, science has the answer. Geneticists at the University of Maplewood recently found a gene to be present in 98% of Americans. Americans only – no other ethnicity has this gene. These findings suggest that we as a nation could actually be one race after all.

The Discovery of the American Race

Dr. JoAnne Foxe, who runs the Maplewood Genomics Institute, has been studying the human genome for 23 years. “I was shocked. This was an ancillary finding from a racial neurogenetics study. I almost overlooked it because I thought it sounded absurd. But after looking at the data, I can’t deny the science.”

Her team of 12 found that gene gAKP-2 is only present in the DNA of individuals who are third or later generation American citizens. The gene informs cognition and behavior.

“The gene expresses itself almost immediately in baby American citizens. It’s like Americans have emerged as a new race. Humans that possess this gene tend to have a stronger confidence in one’s own abilities,” says Foxe.

Further Investigation

Dr. Foxe’s team lead several studies to shed more light upon what the implications of this gene may be in every day life. One study of 24 cases (gAKP-2 present) and matching controls simply asked participants to fill out a brief survey of 20 questions that ranged from “what is the main ingredient in carpet?” to “what is blue?”

Both groups got around 45% of the questions right. When they received their grades, with the answers explained in detail, is when the behavior difference was witnessed.

“The case group almost always objected to the results, whether verbally or through physiological markers. There was an observable denial present that these answers were 100% wrong. In some cases, especially when the participant was male and the study administrator was female, the administrator would be trapped in conversation with the participant, who was adamant in explaining why lead is the leading ingredient in carpet,” Foxe observed.

Her research assistant, Jana Moore, remarked: “It truly was bizarre. In the control group people just wadded up their paper and asked for the $12 gift card to Quik Trip so they could get the fuck out of there. The case group took almost 3 times as long to complete the study, and at one point I actually just started screaming ‘YOU’RE WRONG! YOU ARE SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG! GRASS IS DEFINITELY NOT GREEN BECAUSE OF SNAKES YOU IDIOT!'”

Ms. Moore is an American born neuroscience doctoral student at the University, and is rumored to refuse citrus when offered because, “Look, I know it’s not really scientifically proven but my mom told me this lemon will burn a hole in my stomach and it’s better safe than sorry.”

When asked about future studies, French-born Dr. Foxe said, “I think it’s best we just let this one go.”