This ancient adage is particularly true when you have no one around to keep you from falling face-first in the gutter after you’ve been ejected from the bar you’ve spent the last 48 cirrhotic hours at. But these words hint at a much deeper meaning beyond having people around to keep your drunk ass upright and uninjured.

This saying also means that people are much stronger as a collective than they are as individuals. It might be difficult to see at a glance, but this hidden message of strength-in-numbers is right there, buried deep within the cryptic words. It may take a few careful perusals to get, but take my word for it, that’s what that saying means.

If all of humanity united to work towards a common goal (like, say, the annihilation of our enemies), we would have a formidable force at our disposal to carry out such an extermination. But what if not only all humans united, but all animals joined with us as well? Why, we’d be unstoppable! I mean, think of it, we could seriously conquer the world! One thing but stands in our way (hint: it has scales).

Reptiles are cold-blooded, and I don’t just mean that in a physiological sense. They really are heartless bastards too.

We only need to look back at history to see that when people and animals have worked together for the common good (of humans), amazing things have been accomplished (for humans). Like when we harnessed the power of horses for a brief time, promptly retiring them with our many thanks when cars came along. Or when we discovered the existence of faithful retriever dogs to open our fridge doors and deliver our beers to us while we lay lifeless on sofas, eyes glazed and mouths slightly agape. And who could forget all the honey produced by those suckers the bees, who willingly give us their vomit (or is it spermatozoa?) to consume by the mouth-load.

But there are a lot of animals that have not yet come to the party. If all of these creatures (except for reptiles, the reasons for which will become very clear very, very soon) could put aside their differences and petty beefs with us noble, blameless humans, we really could work together to destroy our common foe, the reptiles (see?!).

Humans have never united with our friends in the animal kingdom on this scale to achieve something as great as crushing our enemies who also (technically) happen to reside in the animal kingdom. And frankly I think it’s high time that changed.

Reptiles have been the natural predator and enemy of all that is good and holy for as long as they’ve been around, which is longer than some of us. First they were in the form of massive dinosaurs, which had two types: herbisaurs and carnosaurs. Now in present day we have littler dinosaurs that we call lizards and snakes. They are all equally treacherous, disgusting and annoying.

And I cannot neglect to mention the water-dinosaurs of today, like crocodiles, alligators and caimans. Don’t be fooled by the caiman. It’s nowhere near as laidback and chill as its name suggests.

Though amphibians aren’t really reptiles, I’ve lumped them in with those we will crush because there doesn’t seem to be a discernible difference between them that I can see at a glance, so they might as well just be reptiles. And hey, let’s add anything with wet-looking skin while we’re at it (sorry otters).

We will grant sanctuary to all of the lizard men and other human-hybrid lab experiments the government has been keeping under wraps.

Now I’m not saying we should destroy them all, just mostly all of them. We will want to keep some of reptiles around as living trophies to remind us of how we really creamed them in battle. But we will only do so if those defeated ground-bellies wave little white flags and pledge fealty to us. As they cannot speak, a simple nod or poke out of the tongue will be sufficient form of consent to their willing subjugation. We’ll need to start production of tiny manacles right away.

We’re going to need all animals to work together if we’re going to pull this off. Centipedes and scorpions will need to put aside whatever their differences are, as will cats and every other animal they claim dominion over. I’m hoping that we’ll get the gorillas and sharks to agree to a truce, because seeing an ape riding a shark then jump off and throw the fish like a be-toothed missile would be a real dream come true for me. And for most humans, if I’m being completely honest.

The gila monsters might pose a bit of a challenge for us to eliminate, as will the geckos and skinks. But the salamanders should be a piece of cake, as I’m sure you well know.

There are some reptiles that can be spared if we really want. A few of the frogs and other less frightening guys that look like characters from my childhood. But turtles be warned, you have a choice: join your brothers the tortoises and perish, or side with your distant cousins the hermit crabs and continue your gentle peregrinations for another day (because tomorrow I might change my mind!).

Reptiles are cold-blooded, and I don’t just mean that in a physiological sense. They really are heartless bastards too. But I cannot say that all reptiles are bad. An alligator saved my life once by eating a county sheriff who was chasing me through the murky Louisiana bayous to arrest me on gator-poaching charges. During the time I was lost in those labyrinthine waterways, that trusty gator kept me alive with fresh water it carried to me in its mouth. He was one of the good ones, but he could have easily bit my head clean off as I lapped water from his bear-trap of a open jaw. Thankfully he didn’t, but how was I to know that?!

We will grant sanctuary to all of the lizard men and other human-hybrid lab experiments the government has been keeping under wraps. Though they might have to change their professions from “test subject” to “gladiator,” and duke it out in a limestone area for our entertainment. Don’t worry, we’ll give them armor and weapons to make sure they’re protected/look badass.

Humans and reptiles aren’t so different. But our slight differences are absolutely insurmountable, and they must be destroyed to preserve our idea of normalcy. I mean, have you ever seen a lizard lick its own eyeball? Yuck!

Reptiles have given us a few things to be thankful for. White snakes, chameleons and goannas have inspired great song titles and band names throughout the years. But the time of the reptile has ended, much like the “Crocodile Rock.” To make this thought into a palpable metaphor, the reptiles are Elton John’s narrator and we are the foreign guy that Susie leaves him for.

Also, Susie is the Earth. You hear me, reptiles! Susie is the Earth!

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/if-humans-and-animals-excluding-reptiles-all-worked-together-we-could-really-crush-our-enemies-the-reptiles/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/if-humans-and-animals-excluding-reptiles-all-worked-together-we-could-really-crush-our-enemies-the-reptiles8 of the Hottest Non-Religious Burkinishttp://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/0cdWwZ5jb_o/8-of-the-hottest-non-religious-burkinis
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/8-of-the-hottest-non-religious-burkinis#respondSat, 23 Sep 2017 16:43:56 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38247In solidarity with women who adhere to the principle of modesty in dress while in public, for religious and/or any other reason, some women are expressing alignment of their own social or cultural leanings with similarly unique costuming.

Twerkini

To counter the effects of the rhythmic gyrations of one’s Badunkadonk barely hidden by those sheer, skimpy booty shorts so popular today, the comfortably structured contour-caressing nap of this cover-up transforms motion into electrical energy, allowing the wearer to convert the backing-up jiggle of those Glutei Maximi into power to charge cellphones and laptops.

Jerkini

For those who suffer from those sudden, involuntary twitches or quivering just when falling asleep, known as a “hypnic jerk,” this bio-engineered garment contains one’s arms and legs comfortably, during that interval between wakefulness and dreaming, allowing sleep paralysis to progress. Nitey, nite.

Clerkini

If you’re a County Clerk itching to defy a US federal court order while discharging the duties of the office, albeit while under what one is sure is a higher authority, you’d do well to wear this generically-clerical cover-up, which will make you acceptable to an employer in another line of work.

Björkini

An oversized wild silk-and-Tyvek® paper blouse, multicolored pom-pom headdress wig, pants coated with thousands of tiny, functioning bells and LED-backlit Swarovski glass beads. This activewear will proclaim your solidarity with any “fountain of blood, in the shape of a girl,” and get the wearer into any Björk concert for free.

Kirkini

From the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, and made a fashion staple by Captain Kirk and his crew, the Mid-Rise Cropped Kick Flare Starfleet Duty Uniform Pant is sure to Awaken the Force at Star Trek conventions and clam-digging outings.

Cirqueini

To help acclimate small children to the visual shock of the acrobats and contortionists in Cirque du Soleil events, at which even the kids’ shows feature acts such as “Skeleton Dance” and “Wheel of Death.” This Cirque-themed loungewear is suitable for home use by the adults of the household. No help in treating parents’ ticket price sticker-shock.

Stirkini

A biomechanical upper-body suit the arms of which grasp and properly agitate mixed drinks, automatically shaking juice, dairy or egg-based cocktails, vs. stirring those which are only spirits-based, countering James Bond’s fatuous directive, which has led to more than a half-century’s destruction of martinis worldwide.

Hercini

This Lululemon®-channels-Simba interpretation of the lion-suit worn by the Roman god Hercules allows present-day heroes to apply for roles in summer stock adaptations of The Lion King or sideline jobs as mascots in college sports programs all while “looking good to the gym and back.” The Lookbook page for the outfit heralds a thigh-flattering technical pant and UV-protectant “barely there” Nulu® fabric for distraction-free pursuit of one’s ancient duty to complete the Twelve Labors serene in the comfort of sweat-wicking four-way stretch.

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/8-of-the-hottest-non-religious-burkinis/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/8-of-the-hottest-non-religious-burkinisHow to Troubleshoot a Sump Pump, Sponsored by Marque de Mode Luxury Handbagshttp://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/1Lqw1a9Wg4I/how-to-troubleshoot-a-sump-pump
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/how-to-troubleshoot-a-sump-pump#respondFri, 22 Sep 2017 16:40:37 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38272If you’re a woman age 281/2 (we know you are), you’ve purchased at least one luxury handbag in the past six months (we know you have), and you just Googled “help, there’s an inch of water in my basement” (we know you did), then we have great news girlfriend!

There’s no need to press the panic button—or let a wet basement dampen your style. Chances are good (literally 80% certain) it’s your sump pump that’s the culprit. And Marque de Mode, purveyors of famously wearable/sharable handbags, shoes and accessories has you covered with some simple tips to get your basement dryer than a martini at Café Montague.

Wait, what?

Ok, right, so let’s back up a second.

Since mid-March, 2017, Marque de Mode has been the go-to luxury brand for chic, fashion-forward 281/2 year olds. Our artfully designed, altogether urbane handbags are blowing up and considered essential by our paid Internet influencers. You might also know us from our blatant product placement on the smash-hit reality TV series, Beautiful People Doing Things.

But about that water in your basement, right?

Like most millennial gals, you’re probably thinking, what’s a sump pump? Is that even a thing?

Here’s the skinny: a sump pump is an AC pump (typically submersible) that rests inside a basin two or three feet deep at the low point of your basement. It works to keep your basement dry by pumping excess water, fed by perimeter drains, through a discharge pipe away from your home’s foundation. It’s typically hardwired or connected to power via a ground fault circuit interrupter (GFCI) outlet.

Spoiler alert: because the water in your basement is for realz, it’s safe to say your sump pump has taken a powder. Epic fail!

Where to start?

The first thing you need to do is download the Marque de Mode app. Swipe right all the Marque de Mode handbags, shoes and accessories that you absolutely MUST HAVE.

Ok, so now you’re ready to brave the basement stairs. But wait, you don’t want to get soaked in all that rank, dank disgusting water. Because gross! Instead, slip on a pair of Marque de Mode’s new Wellington-style Williamsburg Rain Boots, available here for just $196. They’re so extra you’re going to be thirsty for all eight fabulous colors. Need another reason to splash out? Wearing rubber boots in a wet basement can also prevent you from being electrocuted!

Once you’ve made it to basement level, first check to see that electrical power is running to the sump pump motor. If you’re unsure, take a look at the breakers in your fuse box (this is typically a grey metal box affixed to your basement wall, often behind an old refrigerator). You may simply need to replace a fuse or throw the breaker switch to restore power. If you hear your sump pump start to hum, you’re on your way back to complete basement bliss!

Whoa, wait, hold the phone! Did we just say breaker? Because you’re totally going to break the Internet when you post a selfie looking fierce with Marque de Mode’s new Smith Street Satchel, available here in 32 essential colors and sizes.

Still standing in an inch of water?

The struggle is real! Chances are the sump pump float ball is stuck on something. You can raise the float manually to activation height to test the switch. While you’re at it, remove the screen from the bottom of the pump and make sure the impeller is moving freely. Carefully remove any obstructions.

You may notice that water immediately begins draining from your basement. High five yourself. That’s straight fire!

Phew, what a lot of dirty work. Time for some serious retail therapy, and guess what girl, you’re in luck! Right now, when you buy any three of our Gowanus Structured Totes, you’ll get 14% off with promo code SUMP17. (Bonus: Shipping is FREE!)

Or, if your basement is still flooded and the sump pump is humming, but not pumping water, try drilling a 1/16th to 1/8th inch anti-airlock hole in the pipe just above the pump’s discharge and just below the check valve. If that doesn’t work, and you think the discharge pipe is partially or fully blocked, it might be because you have too many 90-degree elbows in the discharge system. In that case, you can simply swap in new 45-degree elbows, which you can easily find in the plumbing section of most major hardware stores.

And speaking of elbows, what’s your elbow for if not to rock Marque de Mode’s new embossed Crown Heights Carryall, now available in—wait for it— limited-edition Avocado Green!

We hope you’ve found these sump pump troubleshooting tips helpful. Knowing what to do when your basement floods is totally clutch—pun intended!

Now, show us your #SumpPumpStyle. Post a picture of yourself striking a pose in your basement with any of our new Marque de Mode Wristlets, and we’ll send you a coupon for 32% off when you spend $937 with us.

And be sure to check out our website for an exclusive interview with model/blogger/Internet sensation Tyra Fleeting. She dishes on the five things she looks for when replacing a hot water heater, and also why she never leaves the house without at least three of our new Silk Statement Scarves.

Happy housekeeping!

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/how-to-troubleshoot-a-sump-pump/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/how-to-troubleshoot-a-sump-pumpWhat the Dogs in the Sarah McLachlan Commercial Really Thinkhttp://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/xrinLu9iGoI/what-the-dogs-in-the-sarah-mclachlan-commercial-really-think
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/what-the-dogs-in-the-sarah-mclachlan-commercial-really-think#respondThu, 21 Sep 2017 16:55:32 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38238Every so often, abused dogs invade your television screen soundtracked by Sarah McLachlan’s ubiquitous “In the Arms of an Angel.” Their distressed eyes and the visual abuse at the hands of their previous owners plead you for money. These are their stories.

Buddy, Labrador Retriever, age 2 years

I know my owner has a temper, but he said he’s going to change this time. And despite the fact that my eyes no longer work because of him/his wrench, I can already see tremendous improvements. Plus, it’s really not what you think, guys. Okay, yes, he’s an unemployed redneck. Yes, he owns a pickup truck. And yes, he can no longer say “never have I ever fucked my sister.” But whoever is without sin, cast the first stone, beer can, or automotive tool…just not in my direction. My welts are just starting to heal.

Sherri, Golden Retriever, age 4 years

Do you understand the extent of hospital costs? Do you know hard it is for a three-legged dog to get access to health insurance on the individual marketplaces with a pre-existing condition now that TrumpCare is taking effect? Seriously. Go to the GoFundMe page and pay for my recent inpatient visit, fuckers.

Bieber, Pug, age 9 months

My abuse began the moment my owners named me Bieber. I never stood a chance.

Rodger, German Shepherd, age 1.5 years

It all comes back in flashes. The crow bar, the empty Percocet bottles, the sound of Days of Our Lives in the background. It was a Tuesday when it began. The neighbors say he never got over Vietnam. Well neither did I. There are some things that simply violate the Geneva convention. I’m German. I should know.

Mary-Elaine, Poodle, age 2 years

Do you know how much worse it is here than my original home? My owners would grovel at my feet to scrounge up my feces when I crapped in public. Now, I’ll be in the middle of a conversation with Bieber and he starts shitting right on my leg like nothing’s happening. Fuckin’ savages in this place. I haven’t had a facial, massage, or white wine spritzer since I started my time in this joint. This is truly the worst commune I’ve ever inhabited. There isn’t even any kale.

Bonnie, Beagle, age 6 months

Please donate so I can take a fully-funded vacation away from these bitches. Seriously, if Rodger wakes me up one more time with his Vietnam-vet style PTSD flashback nightmares, he’s gonna be begging to go back to that sociopath.

Rocco, Wheaton Terrier, age 10 months

Okay, so what’s my motivation again? Am I playing it like, “Oh, I’m abused but I soldier on through my life,” and be all coy about it? Or do I just get right in there with the raw emotions and unbearable inner turmoil? Basically I’m trying to figure out if I open with the death squeals or if I build to them… Ya know, I could have thought about these choices before if I’d been given the script in advance. I think I’m going to complain to the producers. It’s really getting out of hand. Did you see the craft services today? And I heard Bonnie isn’t even equity… I know, right?

Shaju, Shih Tzu, age 1 year

I cry because I’m bored at this point. All these dogs do is moan and talk about their near death experiences. It’s like living in an assisted living facility. When, not if, I commit suicide for the sheer entertainment value, it will be incredibly artsy. I’ve already hired Annie Leibowitz for my Rolling Stone cover. It’s gonna be super dramatic and draw attention to a cause I’m in no way affiliated with. Current thinking is that I’ll write “Free Tibet” in blood on my own body. Still in talks with Annie about the optics.

Frida, Siberian Husky, age 3 years

Ya know, we had a cat in here, but the cycle of violence, man. That shit’s real. It was like Lord of the Flies and let’s just say the cat didn’t have the conch shell.

Bethany, Rottweiler, age 5 years

I feel like we’re not getting through to them, guys. Maybe we should tell them all that we’ve taken Kim Kardashian hostage and will finish what those French robbers started if they don’t give us the money. Like let’s take a page out of the terrorist book. Seems to be working for the Middle East and North Korea. Or at least we could offer to follow them on Insta. This whole “give us money please we’re abused” is so 2003.

Stacie, Bulldog, age 3 years

Someone turn off that fuckin’ song. Seriously take me now, angels.

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/what-the-dogs-in-the-sarah-mclachlan-commercial-really-think/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/what-the-dogs-in-the-sarah-mclachlan-commercial-really-thinkPlease Donate to Hurricane Maria Victims, And While You’re at It, Throw a Couple Bucks at My Kickstarterhttp://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/J2bO50jrS9U/donate-to-hurricane-maria-victim-and-while-youre-at-it-throw-a-couple-bucks-at-my-kickstarter
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/donate-to-hurricane-maria-victim-and-while-youre-at-it-throw-a-couple-bucks-at-my-kickstarter#respondWed, 20 Sep 2017 14:42:56 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38301The world needs your help. Just days after Hurricane Irma devastated the Caribbean, another category five storm, Maria, has now swept through the islands. The damage in Puerto Rico and Dominica is of historic proportions, and the situation is only getting worse as more and more islands pass beneath the storm.

Please take a few minutes to donate to Hurricane Irma relief funds for the devastated region, and while you’re at it, throw a couple bucks at my app’s Kickstarter. It’s sort of a Flappy Bird-meets-Crossy Road-meets-Candy Crush kind of game called Clint the Climber. It’s gonna be really great. I promise.

We can’t let the people impacted by this storm go unsupported. In tragic times like these we must choose to stand with our fellow man. We have to make sure the people of the Caribbean know that the rest of the world sees their plight and is going to work tirelessly to get them through this. Donating is your way to make a difference. And really, is there any better reward than the satisfied feeling you get from helping those in need?

Yes. A coffee mug with Clint the Climber’s catchphrase, “Outta my way, mountain!” on it, which you’ll receive as a reward for a $15 pledge to my Kickstarter. And for only $20 you’ll get a travel pillow with the “level cleared” screen printed on it. Now that’s what I call rewarding!

Any amount you can donate is worth it. Every little bit helps. Even just $5 or $10 is enough to give a small Puerto Rican boy a hot meal or help get my app out of the pre-design phase. So it’s really your call about which you give your money to.

And I’m just gonna say it, the dumb kid is gonna get hungry again, but your name in the special thanks section of the credits will be around forever.

Really, Hurricane Maria reminds us that it’s often our darkest hour that brings out the best in us, a lesson Clint’s sidekick Punchy the Penguin knows all too well. When he was just a hatchling, he slipped on an enchanted ice slide and got separated from his penguin family. Luckily, the ever heroic Clint found him and nursed him back to health. Today, the unstoppable duo travel the ice kingdom seeking adventure, a poignant example of how helping those in need makes the world a better place.

So don’t wait. Make a difference. Make a choice.

Make a donation to Hurricane Maria relief, or to my awesome app. You won’t regret it.

These people, not like my supporters, the terrific people out there at the rallies and the motorcycle brigades and the rallies. And so much winning. They hate, so much anger, so angry. Criticizing, always complaining, lying, Lying Ted, Crooked Hillary. Totally forget, completely, that I made ISIS go away… forever.

Had a plan, secret plan, you remember. Nobody else had a plan like this, I told the generals, I said to them, I said, well it’s a secret plan for a reason. You understand, plans can’t be shared, safety at risk. Public safety, government. But one month, you’ve heard the stories. Thirty days, and boom. No more ISIS. Take that, losers.

So many bombs, we just killed them all. I mean all. So dead. Never can come back. You see these cities, and just gone. ISIS. Commander-in-Chief, I deal with these things, I make the calls, and the phony liberals just can’t understand that. ISIS is gone, and the haters and losers won’t even thank me.

Distractions. Fake news media, making up stories that aren’t about me beating ISIS and fulfilling my promise. Lies, the media makes up, stories about Russia, stories about my children, stories about things you can’t imagine. Disgusting, press should be ashamed. These reporters, folks, bullied when they were younger I think. Now they’re haters, they’re losers, they attack me because I’m a winner.

I won, the losers hate winners. Happens, you see it all the time. Most electoral votes ever, that’s what the experts say, most by a Republican, couldn’t believe it, the haters denied it. All the illegals voting, and still, I still beat the haters and losers, still brought down ISIS faster than anyone ever in history, really.

Done other things, too, media ignores. The see how amazing we’re doing, that everyone is happy, and they make up stories for ratings. Healthcare, the border wall, all this winning, and that’s not even including ISIS. Don’t even need to bring it up, but historical achievement, what a victory. Like a hero. Conquering, taking over, we got the oil. Mine now. In control, less than 30 days. Haters and losers deny it.

Don’t understand why the haters and losers keep it up. Making America Great Again, must be against it. You see them out there, they don’t understand, not sure they get it. ISIS, gone, finished, kablooey. Nothing left, nothing there. Absolutely destroyed. Record time. And there they are, with the complaining and the whining. Hillary and Obama created it, I got rid of it. Simple.

In the end though, got to forgive them, I say at least, and some may disagree, it’s not their fault. I have the compassion. Listen, listen. Not bright, they’re dumb, I’ll say it. So dumb, really. They hear what I say, they see what I’m doing, and they’re jealous. It’s sad, a real shame. Sick in the head, just don’t understand it. ISIS is beaten, kept my promise. Never broken one, ever.

Maybe they hate America and we gotta get rid of them. Who knows?

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/the-haters-and-losers-forget-i-defeated-isis-in-30-days/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/the-haters-and-losers-forget-i-defeated-isis-in-30-daysI Asked 10 Doctors About This Thing On My Neck—Here’s What They Said!http://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/vj3ZSDM8bM8/i-asked-10-doctors-about-this-thing-on-my-neck-heres-what-they-said
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/i-asked-10-doctors-about-this-thing-on-my-neck-heres-what-they-said#respondTue, 19 Sep 2017 03:19:17 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38181Doctors: we all love ’em. But sometimes, they disagree with each other. In fact, it seems like you need to go to exactly 10 doctors to figure out what is going on!

Over the past month, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. In fact, I decided to get them to pay it straight by asking 10 doctors what they think about this weird thing on my neck that is stiff but doesn’t hurt and has a real pulse to it that’s slightly different than my heartbeat.

“It’s definitely some sort of blood disease. Please stop leaving, we need to take further tests.”
-Dr. Thomas Blinkwell

“Thank you for emailing me. I am on vacation until October 3. If this is a pressing medical emergency, please go to your nearest hospital. If you are calling about a routine matter, please contact Kevin Everton, my assistant. Thank you!”
-Dr. Joel Rothstein, via E-mail

“This isn’t good. I would really like for you to come in for further tests. Unfortunately, it seems to have progressed past the point of treatment. Do you have any close relatives or next of kin? If so, you should consider contacting them.”
-Dr. Kristina Bakewell

“Please get out of my kitchen. Also, that looks really bad and you should see a doctor about it. Just not me, since you broke into my house with a tape recorder.”
-Dr. Jerry Price

“Two things. One, I’m a dentist and am not qualified to diagnose that thing on your neck. Two, it’s taking up a third of your neck and appears to have green veins extending from it. This can’t be good.”
-Dr. Jennifer Miller, DDS

“I’d give you five weeks…maybe six, if you’re lucky.”
-Dr. David White

“(vomiting noises)“
-Dr. Dre

“There’s clearly a very serious problem. If you actually want to stay here I can try to give you treatment for it, but if you just run to the next doctor for another quote it will probably be too late. Either way, we’re looking at removing a significant portion of your neck in a way that will change your life dramatically.”
-Dr. Lee Ives

“No, I think you misunderstood me. My name is Kristen, Dr. Muffin is the name of my dog. Also, that thing on your neck looks really serious and I can see your hair turning grayer as we’re having this conversation.”
-Dr. Muffin

Wow! Talk about a medical revelation. By the end of it, my head was spinning with knowledge.

I was also experiencing cold sweats, severe diarrhea, and I may have even vomited a little bit of blood. Guess I wasn’t cut out for medical school after all!

Overall, I learned that you should always ask a doctor about problems. But they won’t all tell you the same thing; that’s because doctors are still people. Before this, I was never in the habit of going to the doctor — now I think I’ll be here to stay!

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/i-asked-10-doctors-about-this-thing-on-my-neck-heres-what-they-said/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/i-asked-10-doctors-about-this-thing-on-my-neck-heres-what-they-saidTrump Explains His MySpace Top 8http://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/vL_H85BJWjQ/trump-explains-his-myspace-top-8
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/trump-explains-his-myspace-top-8#respondMon, 18 Sep 2017 02:15:05 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38197Everybody knows your top 8 friends are the most important part of your MySpace. It’s everyone’s first impression, other than the background song (“Wonderwall,” so that girls know I’m deep). I put a lot of thought into my top 8, and I’m tired of the crooked, crooked media just saying that I pick them on the fly.

Kellyanne Conway was my 8th top friend at first because it’s important that people know that I KNOW some girls just as friends. I wanna take her out soon cause she’s not really active on MySpace at all, but I need to replace her with another hot girl. Maybe with Kendall Jenner.

I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME. People will think you don’t have 8 non-family friends. Which I TOTALLY do. I made Jeff Sessions my 7th instead because he’s so adorable like a little adorable demon gremlin.

Yeah, of course Melania is my #2 top friend. Everyone knows that your girlfriend has to be #2.

My friend Sean Spicer was supposed to be my 6th top friend but then he BAILED like an idiot. I don’t care anyway, he was fat. No fatties in my top 8. Also, he always wanted to be higher on the list, but he didn’t even have a nice suit. Also, his MySpace name was “spicySpice” which is dumb because all spices are spicy. I replaced him with Sarah Huckabee Sanders just so everyone knows that I am totally friends with TWO girls. Sarah’s not that hot though, so I’m going to replace her soon too I guess.

Sometimes I accidentally put someone in my top friends and have to take them out right away. I made Anthony Scaramucci #5, but then I learned his name sounded like “scary mooch” and I didn’t want people giggling about that on my profile. I wanted them giggling about my really witty tagline instead: “I’m the President LOL.” But at least I gave him a good reason to not watch his dumb baby get blown out of a vagina, so he owes me. I put in Hope Hicks as an interim #5 but I NEED to find someone good soon.

My 4th top friend was Reince Preibus for a long time. He was supposed to stop leaks, but he didn’t, so then I just peed everywhere. I replaced him with John Kelly because John Kelly is so cool and knows how to use a gun and stuff.

I haven’t ever changed my #3 top friend. It’s always been Putin. Sometimes he tells me we should be more quiet about being top friends, but I always tell him that you’re not really friends if you’re not MySpace top friends!! We’ve never met in person. We’ve met in person once. We are mostly internet friends. I’m sticking to that story.

Yeah, of course Melania is my #2 top friend. Everyone knows that your girlfriend has to be #2. I wish I could put her lower on the list cause she’s boring and not a world leader but I can’t have all the dumb dumbs look at my profile and not know I have a girlfriend!!

My #1 top friend was Steve Bannon for a long, long time. I had to kick him out of my top friends recently, but only because I wasn’t in his top friends! How dumb does that make me look? All of his top friends are his Breitbart friends. Why doesn’t he want to make new friends!? If people go to my page and see he’s my top friend and I’m not his, what kind of loser do they think I am? So I killed him. Now my #1 friend is Tom, which is cool because he’s cool but lame because Tom is friends with EVERYONE on MySpace.

Picking top 8 is so stressful! If I could delete my MySpace and make a new one, I’d make my top 8 all the Americans who still support me, and then the last two spots would be hot girls.

]]>http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/trump-explains-his-myspace-top-8/feed0http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/trump-explains-his-myspace-top-8If You Suffer From Moderate to Severe Arthritis, This Drug is Going to Change Your Goddamn Lifehttp://feeds.pointsincase.com/~r/pointsincase/~3/n7u-JiHuxz8/if-you-suffer-from-moderate-to-severe-arthritis-this-drug-is-going-to-change-your-life
http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/if-you-suffer-from-moderate-to-severe-arthritis-this-drug-is-going-to-change-your-life#respondSat, 16 Sep 2017 18:56:45 +0000http://www.pointsincase.com/?p=38240Say hello to Gamora, a miraculous new drug that may reduce the signs and symptoms of moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. If you suffer from moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis, do yourself a favor and get yourself some Gamora right now (after talking to your doctor, of course). This shit will literally change your life.

But before you try it, you should know about a few possible side effects…

Now, keep in mind that there are dozens of people who take Gamora and don’t experience any side effects at all. You may very well be one of these lucky people. But also keep in mind that some people do, in fact, experience side effects. Which will you be? Who can say? Not us, that’s for sure. If we could predict the future we’d be laying bets at the track right now, not going over some boring-ass list of side effects, hahaha. But since nobody can predict the future, we suggest you just suck it up, try some Gamora (after talking to your doctor, of course), and see what happens. Take a goddamn chance for once in your life, is all we’re saying.

Anyway, you should know about the possible side effects. Not to be alarmist, but some of them are pretty scary and/or deadly. So please pay attention to this next part.

Side effects of Gamora include:

Heart palpitations

Sudden gayness

Restless ass syndrome

Crotch creep

Bees’ knees (bees swarm around your knees and sting them repeatedly)

Loss of precious bodily fluids

An overwhelming compulsion to drive into oncoming traffic

Ingrown elbows

The constant feeling that your pants are falling down even though they’re not

Brain shits

A sudden and fanatical love for all things Guy Fieri

Hearing loss, hearing gain (things get louder)

An uncontrollable urge to make the “okay” hand signal whenever you say anything

A refusal to eat any food except coleslaw

Basically, there are some potential risks to taking Gamora.

Other side effects include crippling feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and self-loathing, but you already have those feelings pretty much all the time anyway so no big deal, right? Hahaha.

A few people who have used Gamora have had their eyeballs fall out of their sockets. We admit this is pretty horrifying, but it’s only happened to a few people, so what are the chances it’ll happen to you? Pretty slim, we’d say. After all, when was the last time anything noteworthy happened to you? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

In rare cases, but not as rare as we’d like if we’re being perfectly honest, Gamora can cause death. But then again, isn’t suffering from the signs and symptoms of moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis already a kind of living death anyway? Have some perspective, is all we’re saying.

Other side effects include:

Full body shrinkage

Scrotal seizures

Having lifelike visions of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl

Having actual physical visitations from Quetzalcoatl

Sudden blindness

Gradual blindness

“Just-right” blindness (not too sudden, not too gradual)

Fear of pancakes

Speaking in the cold, bloodless monotone of a psychopathic serial killer

In some cases, people who take Gamora lose all their hair, and then, a few weeks later, colorful feathers grow back in place of hair. Depending on your personality, this could be an unwanted side effect or a pretty cool one. If you’re really into Phish, say, you and your hippie friends might really dig your new head of rainbow feathers.

In extremely rare cases, some people who use Gamora experience a sublime feeling of total bliss and oneness with the universe. So that’s something for you to shoot for. Aim high for a change, is all we’re saying.

Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you’ve got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you. Congratulations on having a doctor who isn’t afraid to look straight into the abyss and say, “Fuck it, we’re going in.”

For a full list of side effects, you can go to Gamora.com/sideeffects.

But you don’t want to do that, trust us. What you really want to do is get your hands on some Gamora as soon as possible. So go ahead, tell your (hopefully non-wuss) doctor you want some. And don’t take no for an answer, okay? Stand up for yourself for once in your life, geez.

If you do take Gamora, which you should definitely do (after talking to your non-wuss doctor, of course), and you experience unwanted side effects, ask your doctor about Nomora, a new drug designed to reduce many of the signs and symptoms of Gamora-related side effects with just three easy-to-administer intramuscular injections and four suppositories a day.

And if you experience any unwanted side effects from Nomora, hang in there—we’re currently working on an exciting new drug that will completely change your goddamn life.