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Topic: Paying for the school musical (Read 11572 times)

"BFF, We love that you are so involved with DD. I don't want anything to overshadow the connection that we all have. What I will do is tell you about all of her events including the fee if there is one. you can decide if you want to go to any of them, or none of them, and we won't be insulted or mad!. (really they aren't mandatory). I may invite you and pay your way sometimes, but I won't be doing that every time."

In my extended family, the parents usually find out who wants to attend a child’s performance and then purchase tickets in advance. Some people will offer reimbursement, but the offer will be refused. If tickets are purchased at the door, everyone plans on buying their own, but someone will usually say “I’ve got it” and buy them all. It evens out over time.

In the O.P.’s case, I suspect paying for tickets would not be a big deal . . . but Friend made it a Big Deal in a rude entitled way that was bound to foster resentment.

I also see a big disconnect here. Friend seems to be saying that she truly wants to see all the child’s performances, but she’ll only go if someone else buys her ticket. To me this comes across as Friend thinking she’s doing a favor by attending. Her actions don’t match her words.

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It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

If you receive a personal invitation, along with the assurance that a ticket will be purchased for you, that's one thing.

But if you're just given notice that an event is taking place that has an admission, something that's open to anyone who wants to go, then you should expect to pay your own way.

Either you're interested in the performance and care enough to pay and go, or you're not. I don't sense that there's any pressure by OP (or others) to make the BFF attend these events. It's entirely her choice whether to be there.

BFF can say "My philosophy is that I don't pay," but that doesn't make it reasonable or a norm in polite society. I would say "We don't expect you to come, but if you're interested, here are the details."

I do think BFF benefits from showing up. It's fun, and it's an honor, to play a role in the life of a child. I get a tremendous kick out of being an aunt, and I also sometimes attend special events of my friends' children. In OP's case, BFF's interest in her child is part of their reciprocal friendship.

I think in this instance - the school play - that paying for one night would be a nice gesture. It's certainly not required.

I agree that the friend should be paying her own way. However, I am a bit confused by the OP's comments that she just assumes that BFF will attend all of these events. Does the BFF feel obligated to attend? Will the OP be OK if BFF declines to attend any event that isn't free? If the OP expects that BFF attend these events then OP should pay. If OP doesn't care and won't hold it against the BFF if she doesn't go, then the OP should tell BFF that she doesn't expect her to attend and therefore won't be paying.

In my extended family, the parents usually find out who wants to attend a child’s performance and then purchase tickets in advance. Some people will offer reimbursement, but the offer will be refused. If tickets are purchased at the door, everyone plans on buying their own, but someone will usually say “I’ve got it” and buy them all. It evens out over time.

In the O.P.’s case, I suspect paying for tickets would not be a big deal . . . but Friend made it a Big Deal in a rude entitled way that was bound to foster resentment.

I also see a big disconnect here. Friend seems to be saying that she truly wants to see all the child’s performances, but she’ll only go if someone else buys her ticket. To me this comes across as Friend thinking she’s doing a favor by attending. Her actions don’t match her words.

The bolded is what stuck out for me too. If she wants to attend - which it sure sounds like she does if she wants to go to a second performance - then why in the world should the OP pay for her? And if it is some sort of favor that she is doing the OP or her DD, then the OP is well within her rights to say that the favor isn't necessary.

I have a couple nephews. While they so far haven't had events that cost money I would honestly never expect my SIL to pay for our tickets. That wouldn't even occur to me. In fact, I would actually be happy to pay for the ticket, because I would see it as in investment in my nephew and his love of whatever-the-performance-is-for. As a theater person myself, I would much rather pay to help my nephews have true productions than pay the same amount of money for wrapping paper or something. And in my mind, they are kind of similar.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I agree that the friend should be paying her own way. However, I am a bit confused by the OP's comments that she just assumes that BFF will attend all of these events. Does the BFF feel obligated to attend? Will the OP be OK if BFF declines to attend any event that isn't free? If the OP expects that BFF attend these events then OP should pay. If OP doesn't care and won't hold it against the BFF if she doesn't go, then the OP should tell BFF that she doesn't expect her to attend and therefore won't be paying.

BFF genuinely loves coming to DD's events, even ones I had assumed were too "small" for her to attend. Like little classroom plays, if BFF is able to get off work. BFF has attended every (free) winter and spring concert, every (free) ceremony, even though most of the time, DD has no special role, no solo, and is not graduating. BFF also attends the (free) school break camp shows. BFF just loves the girl and doesn't want to miss out.

That said, BFF's presence has become important to DD, so attendance is not 100% nonobligatory...but since BFF says she to want to go on Saturday night too, that's a clear indication that this is not a hassle, it's a pleasure to see DD on stage. Hell, maybe BFF is looking forward to the awkward carnage of an elementary school play.

There's no question of suggesting that we won't invite her to future paid events. That could be a friendship breaker. I really love my BFF; we have been friends for 20 years and do an awful lot for each other. I think she's got some deep-seated resentments about the lopsided family life of a single person with no children.

I have a couple nephews. While they so far haven't had events that cost money I would honestly never expect my SIL to pay for our tickets. That wouldn't even occur to me. In fact, I would actually be happy to pay for the ticket, because I would see it as in investment in my nephew and his love of whatever-the-performance-is-for. As a theater person myself, I would much rather pay to help my nephews have true productions than pay the same amount of money for wrapping paper or something. And in my mind, they are kind of similar.

I'm really, really selfish. I would see that ticket purchase as an investment in my nephew and his love of me. Or his relationship with me. I'd be going (and paying for my own ticket) bcs I want him to get the message that his Auntie Toots loves him, and can be counted on to go out of her way for him.

There's no question of suggesting that we won't invite her to future paid events. That could be a friendship breaker. I really love my BFF; we have been friends for 20 years and do an awful lot for each other. I think she's got some deep-seated resentments about the lopsided family life of a single person with no children.

I bet you're right on that last point. I'm single and childfree (intentionally) and I get that way sometimes. It can be hard, seeing everyone always gifting to kids and spending money/time on kids, but not caring about you. I don't think that describes *your* relationship with her at all (it sounds like you're great friends with each other and the friendship is very equal) but that she's carrying that forward from her family relationships. It's very perceptive and kind of you to understand the origin of her quirk.

I'm genuinely not sure what I'd do in your shoes. On principle, the idea of paying for her really, really bugs me. But you love her and she loves your kids, and that's wonderful and perhaps worth saying "My friend is irrational about this issue and it doesn't cost too much to indulge her." I think the compromise suggested by other posters, of paying for one show but not both, probably makes sense -- though it would still rankle me a bit, and it would said a precedent that isn't particularly comfortable to me (I kinda want to tell her to take her philosophy and shove it), it might be worth it.

I think if I decided I was going to pay for her ticket, I'd rationalize it to myself by saying, "OK, we always buy a full family's worth of tickets; there are normally 5 of us--me, DH, DD1, DD2, and BFF. DD2 is in the show, so we only need 4."

Defining the tickets as "a block of family tickets" and simply counting her in the family would make it easier for me, mentally and emotionally.

On principle, the idea of paying for her really, really bugs me. But you love her and she loves your kids, and that's wonderful and perhaps worth saying "My friend is irrational about this issue and it doesn't cost too much to indulge her." I think the compromise suggested by other posters, of paying for one show but not both, probably makes sense -- though it would still rankle me a bit, and it would said a precedent that isn't particularly comfortable to me (I kinda want to tell her to take her philosophy and shove it), it might be worth it.

$10 isn't much to cover someone going to a show once in a while, I'd pay it but for two reasons.

Firstly, she wants to go to everything, that adds up.

Secondly, her "philosophy" really rubs me the wrong way. The fact that she makes a point of saying it quite a bit does come across as rather arrogant. If she doesn't agree she should pay all the time then she shouldn't go, not parade her own views.

$10 isn't much to cover someone going to a show once in a while, I'd pay it but for two reasons.

Firstly, she wants to go to everything, that adds up.

Secondly, her "philosophy" really rubs me the wrong way. The fact that she makes a point of saying it quite a bit does come across as rather arrogant. If she doesn't agree she should pay all the time then she shouldn't go, not parade her own views.

Oh e-hell no. If Auntie wants to go Auntie can pay for it. If it was a financial issue, I would offer to pay. Otherwise, no way.

When I was a nanny and college student, and even later as a nanny and married, I often went to my "kids" performances. It NEVER occurred to me to ask the families to pay. If the performance was too expensive (like some ballet performances), I just didn't go. For the record, I also would pay from my own funds to take the kids to museums, ice cream, lunch, etc. Sometimes the parents would pay me back, but I never assumed or asked. I also attended classroom shows, classroom birthday parties, VIP days, Friday afternoon Shabbot sing-alongs - all on my own time and own dime. I did it out of love. Because I loved THEM. It was a favor, a gift, to ME to be able to be there and experience those things with them. I wasn't doing them a favor by showing up.

Auntie needs a kick in the pants. If you wants to go to the performances, then pay up. Or stay home. No makes her spoil your kids. She could stop spending so much on gifts and save up for tickets if she wants to see the shows. I would continue telling her about the events along with the cost, and add, "and if you can't make it, it's ok." Then it's up to her. She's not obligated and you aren't paying.

I agree that the friend should be paying her own way. However, I am a bit confused by the OP's comments that she just assumes that BFF will attend all of these events. Does the BFF feel obligated to attend? Will the OP be OK if BFF declines to attend any event that isn't free? If the OP expects that BFF attend these events then OP should pay. If OP doesn't care and won't hold it against the BFF if she doesn't go, then the OP should tell BFF that she doesn't expect her to attend and therefore won't be paying.

BFF genuinely loves coming to DD's events, even ones I had assumed were too "small" for her to attend. Like little classroom plays, if BFF is able to get off work. BFF has attended every (free) winter and spring concert, every (free) ceremony, even though most of the time, DD has no special role, no solo, and is not graduating. BFF also attends the (free) school break camp shows. BFF just loves the girl and doesn't want to miss out.

That said, BFF's presence has become important to DD, so attendance is not 100% nonobligatory...but since BFF says she to want to go on Saturday night too, that's a clear indication that this is not a hassle, it's a pleasure to see DD on stage. Hell, maybe BFF is looking forward to the awkward carnage of an elementary school play.

There's no question of suggesting that we won't invite her to future paid events. That could be a friendship breaker. I really love my BFF; we have been friends for 20 years and do an awful lot for each other. I think she's got some deep-seated resentments about the lopsided family life of a single person with no children.

Ordinarily, as in my post above, my principle is if the invitation was from you then you pay, if you simply notified her of an event she may be interested in then she pays for herself.

I've been thinking though and in light of this update especially, I think you should just pay for her for both nights if that's what she wants. Her attitude might be a bit off and entitled or whatever, but this is a 20 year friendship and by the sound of your post above, things go both ways. Another person in your daughter's life who loves her can't be a bad thing. If I was in your shoes, I'd write off the BFF's attitude as a "quirk" if this is the only thing she's weird about and pay for the tickets.