Funny Dog Ads

“Should I sniff her butt? Will she mind if I sniff her butt? What will it say about me if I sniff his butt? Maybe I’m gay? Should I question sniffing butts so much? Do other dogs sniff as many butts as I do? How many butts have I sniffed this week? I’m guessing it’s a lot if I’m questioning it so much. I love sniffing butts. I need to sniff one right now. There aren’t any around. I have to get a hold of myself. Who am I kidding? I need a butt and I need it now. Now. Good god. Am I living a life that’s guided by butt sniffing? I am. My parent’s warned me. I didn’t listen. Like a cheap tramp. A whore. I’m a butt-sniffing whore. What if I tried to cut down? Nothing heavy. Just a few sniffs a day. I can do that. I know I can. I’ve done it before. But do I really want to? I mean, that’s what we do. We sniff butts. No one looks down on me for it. There was that guy who gave me a look while I was in mid-sniff. Who is he to judge me for sniffing a butt? Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I get like that when I haven’t sniffed a butt. I’ll stop cold turkey. But not now. The fever’s too strong. A wiff will get me through the night. Just one, heartfelt inhale of the poodle across the street and I’ll be satisfied. I love how she resists at first and then sticks it out with reckless abandon. What a slut. Wait. Why is she a slut? I’m the one going in there. That coy little look she gives me when she walks down the street. Oh, I’m sniffing that butt. Count on it.”

Pedigree Biscuit – “Sit”

Timmie’s Dog Spa – “Your dog needs to relax. Send them to …”

“Oh god. I just spent three quarters of my day licking myself. I just sit here, with a bowl of water, some toys and my urges – lonely one minute and satisfied the next. Such a wicked paradox. I need to get out. I need to meet people. But I’m happy this way. It feels good. So good. But my crotch shouldn’t define me. Was it the way I was raised? Did my dad bury his face in his crotch for hours on end? Not dad. I never smelt it on his breath. Well maybe once, but I can’t be sure that was crotch. The guy ate garbage like it was going out of style. But really, some pages are better left unturned. Am I the only one? I doubt it. That Rottweiler probably treats his nether regions like a buffet. Look at me. I’m justifying my lack of discipline by making up stories about other dogs I don’t even know. I need a drink. Then I need to lick my crotch. More like want. Is that selfish? Self-pleasuring myself for half a day? Screw it. I’m going in. If my owner could do it, he would. So it’s perfectly natural. Isn’t it? I need a distraction. That ball looks okay. Oh crap. I need something new. Something that doesn’t involve my crotch. It’s all I’ve got. My walker’s cool, but I can’t lick his crotch. It’s gonna take everything I’ve got to make it through the night. Just one night.