Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Various sources on spiritual abuse warn about the Can't Talk rule (or the Don't Talk rule) in abusive groups. In spiritually manipulative churches, pastors don't usually come right out and tell you not to talk about certain issues. (Especially concerns in the church.) They are much more subtle.

They might hint at "the enemy" who incites people to gossip, or they may denounce weak Christians who whisper. They might blast the motives of anyone who brings a legitimate issue to the leadership, condemning them as self-centered, divisive or lazy.
They might emphasize grumbling and complaining as among the gravest of sins. They might compare those who bring up church issues to scoffers in Moses' time -- implying that if you dare mention a weakness of the church you are similar to those ungrateful Israelites that the good Moses ( read: church leader) had to put up with.

They might tell you to "get in line with the mission," "submit to authority," or "stop dividing the flock," shaming someone who brings honest questions -- in order to deflect scrutiny from themselves.
Some might tell you that you are not in harmony with "the vision or mission" of the church, which often is just a high-sounding way of saying that the leader's views are beyond question, and accountability is not the business of a mere layperson.

By whatever means available, abusive pastors will shut down discussion and prevent accountability for suspect practices. The unspoken "don't talk" rule makes this easy. Anyone who dares raise an issue to the light of day will be shut down, preached against, shunned, mistreated or shamed, either by open means or subtle means.

Perhaps some have left the church, and you wish to know why. Maybe the pastor has preached something that doesn't line up with scripture. Maybe someone has been kicked out of church or removed from a ministry. Perhaps these uncomfortable practices have been increasing. Maybe the finances are not open to public view; or business meetings are closed -- or nonexistent. Perhaps teachers or musicians have complained about mistreatment and you are not sure who to believe. A Sunday school teacher suddenly leaves or is moved elsewhere without any explanation. An elder resigns. A spouse or older child disappears and no one dares ask about it.

Those living under a Can't Talk or Don't Talk rule know not to ask questions. They have been manipulated into remaining silent, even though their active conscience urges them to speak up. The reluctance to speak up is often disguised as virtue. You're not a grumbler. You're not a troublemaker. It's someone else's place to ask questions, not yours. You're just a humble nobody.
So the pastor or leader remains accountable to no one. He can do what he likes without opposition, no matter how questionable, unorthodox, ungodly -- or in some cases, illegal.

If this describes the mechanism in place at your church, make sure to do a little research into spiritual abuse and see if other signs might not also be present in your group. The Can't Talk rule is an unspoken rule meant to stifle and hide anything that challenges the control of a leader or that has the potential to put a leader in a bad light. It is often the tip of the iceberg.

7
comments:

I remember the "can't talk rule" very well. Even raising minor objections was considered to be "attacking" and dissent.

I mentioned that rule in a paper I wrote and passed around to anyone who would read it (few would) when I was still a member of the Church of Bible Understanding. That letter can be read at http://cobuessays.wordpress.com/8/

Your site has extensive information on spiritual abuse. In pre-internet days, I used to find this information in the library or in Christian bookstores as well as in books on sociology, cults and organizational behavior - through which I was able to come to understand the manipulation (which was on many layers and many levels deep) that I had been subject to for most of my adult life.Jim L.

You explain the "can't talk rule" very well. I remember it well from when I was a member of the Church of Bible Understanding. All questioning, however minor, was labeled as dissent or "attacking" or "playing games" and "looking for an easier way." Because to question even a small part of it was to question all of it. With an exclusive teacher, the only living person who knows the real truth of Christianity, everything we were hearing was God's truth. The only possible reason you might question it could only be from your desire to rebel and to reject the truth. And all the others present, not only the leader, would take part in getting on your case to reinforce that. A very powerful social system, and in a live-in group, a powerful force pinning you to the wall and keeping you in line.

You are right. Any deviation at all from the word from the cult leader or abusive pastor presents a threat to his authority or position and must be powerfully put down. It's great that you were able to find the information you needed to know what was happening to you. Even with the Internet today, it's hard to find sometimes. Churches don't talk about it and government doesn't like to get involved, so the issue stays buried. Glad you are out! Freedom. Great feeling!

Thanks for saying what is so true! Love must be honest for relationship to grow, so I don't know why churches are often so afraid of speaking out against clear injustices. This article sums up my experience in an unhealthy church in the UK, and I am currently a part of an Acts 29 church in the US. Praying they don't follow the leader, but stay focussed on Jesus...

Thanks for your comment. I'm sorry you had a bad experience in the UK. I do worry, however, about your new place. We are getting many stories recently about your new group that you might want to check on because of red flags. You might want to read these posts since Acts 29 is linked to Mars Hill and they concern that group:

Thanks for those links- have actually been passing all of those links around already, and am well aware of the potential for a bad situation at my current location.

As it is, I have no intention of signing on the dotted line anywhere because I don't see a paper membership as particularly Biblical, or indeed useful at this point in our journey- we are stationed, not settled, near the church we currently attend.

I have openly communicated to our pastor about the problems I have with Mark Driscoll's behavior of late, and so far haven't been considered divisive for being honest.

One thing I would say is that just because Mark D. started Acts 29 churches doesn't make the idea of them a bad thing in itself.

What I am waiting to observe is: does the pastor and this church think that MD is their sort of Evangelical pope, untouchable in some way, or do leadership in this and other Acts 29 churches distance themselves from their unfortunate roots?

Time will tell on that one; thanks for sharing for your concerns, I feel them too.

Are you covering for a spiritually abusive pastor?

What's happening to my church?

RED FLAGS

A message to culty group defenders

Cult Next Door posted this excellent response to those culty-group defenders -- who lambaste victims on blogs exposing spiritual abuse. These folks see nothing wrong with the abusive leader, defend the hurtful practices and blame the one exposing the tactics. They needle victims, and pile on blame. They excuse the harm of abusers, and belittle the pain of victims. Provender wishes every blog on spiritual abuse would have a little message like this for these folks.

Sometimes, they apologize

Every once in a while, church leaders in these situations apologize. A Florida blogger, FBCWatchdog, was kicked out of church and given trespass warning documents after being outed as a church blogger critic, and later was branded a "sociopath" by the pastor of his large, Florida church, in the local paper. The blogger eventually brought suit. After the ruling (and likely as part of the settlement), the pastor publicly apologized. There is much more to the story, but these are the highlights.

Using words to manipulate

It can be subtle, or it can hit you head on. When spiritual abusers are cornered, certain techniques crop up again and again. Here are some samples.

What does elitism have to do with spiritual abuse?

Does your church think it's special? What does it think of other churches? Elitism is a big sign your church or group could be spiritually dangerous. CLICK HERE for more

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Are you covering your pastor's nakedness?

In Predators in the Pulpit, Chris Efinda discusses the covering nakedness doctrine. Enablers of spiritual abuse justify cover-ups of abusive pastors using this pseudo-scriptural approach. Efinda says that the spiritual "sons" of abusive leaders feel that hiding the wrongdoing of abusive pastors becomes a divine test of their own faithfulness. If you are acting as a go-between, or "filtering" what comes from your pastor and to make it seem more acceptable to others, are you trying to cover your pastor's nakedness? It's very likely.

A word from Ezekiel

The word of the Lord came to me: "Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Woe to the shepherds of Israel who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock? You eat the curds, clothe yourselves with the wool and slaughter the choice animals, but you do not take care of the flock. You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally. So they were scattered because there was no shepherd, and when they were scattered they became food for all the wild animals. My sheep wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. They were scattered over the whole earth, and no one searched or looked for them."

Ezekiel 34:1-6

Resources for Camping Followers

A message to abusive pastors from Jeremiah 23

Woe to the pastors that destroy and scatter the sheep of my pasture! says the LORD.

Therefore thus says the LORD God of Israel against the pastors that feed my people; You have scattered my flock, and driven them away, and have not visited them: behold, I will visit upon you the evil of your doings, says the LORD.

And I will gather the remnant of my flock out of all countries where I have driven them, and will bring them again to their folds; and they shall be fruitful and increase.

And I will set up shepherds over them which shall feed them: and they shall fear no more, nor be dismayed, neither shall they be lacking, says the LORD. ...

For both prophet and priest are profane; yea, in my house have I found their wickedness, says the LORD.

... for from the prophets of Jerusalem is profaneness gone forth into all the land.

Thus says the LORD of hosts, Do not listen to the words of the prophets that prophesy unto you: they make you vain: they speak a vision of their own heart, and not out of the mouth of the LORD.

They say still to those who despise me, The LORD has said, You shall have peace; and they say unto every one that walketh after the imagination of his own heart, No evil shall come upon you.

...I have not sent these prophets, yet they ran: I have not spoken to them, yet they prophesied.

But if they had stood in my counsel, and had caused my people to hear my words, then they should have turned them from their evil way, and from the evil of their doings.

...I have heard what the prophets said, that prophesy lies in my name, saying, I have dreamed, I have dreamed.

How long shall this be in the heart of the prophets that prophesy lies? yea, they are prophets of the deceit of their own heart;

Which think to cause my people to forget my name by their dreams which they tell every man to his neighbour, as their fathers have forgotten my name for Baal.

The prophet that has a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that has my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat? says the LORD.

Is not my word like as a fire? says the LORD; and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?

Therefore, behold, I am against the prophets, says the LORD, that steal my words every one from his neighbour.

Tell your story

Follow the leader, but with care

An editorial on how easy it is to fall into the trap of following dangerous leaders.

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Order of Posts

I like to keep the list of helpful sites on Spiritual Abuse at or near the top because providing links to the best resources on this topic is the main purpose of this blog. If a post seems to disappear, you can usually find it below the first post.

Spiritually abused woman needs prayer, help

How they use words to manipulate and abuse

Spiritual Abuse Quote of the Month

Manipulate a system of rewards, punishments, and experiences in order to promote learning the group's ideology or belief system and group-approved behaviors. Good behavior, demonstrating an understanding and acceptance of the group's beliefs, and compliance are rewarded while questioning, expressing doubts or criticizing are met with disapproval, redress and possible rejection. If one expresses a question, he or she is made to feel that there is something inherently wrong with them to be questioning...Approval comes from having the new member's behaviors and thought patterns conform to the models (members). Members' relationship with peers is threatened whenever they fail to learn or display new behaviors. Over time, the easy solution to the insecurity generated by the difficulties of learning the new system is to inhibit any display of doubts -- new recruits simply acquiesce, affirm and act as if they do understand and accept the new ideology. -- Step 5 of MargaretSinger's Six Conditions for Thought Reform, found on ICSA

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Covering and Manipulation

Two sites I want to emphasize:The site Covering and Authority ends up buried and hard to find because it was a late discovery, so I thought I'd make a handy sidebar link to this page on the concept of covering or theology of covering. This site includes many scriptural references refuting the idea of human responsibility for the sins and behavior of others.

Also, a Rest Ministries page on manipulation and spiritual abuse disappeared when Geocities closed its sites in October. Before it disappeared, I preserved part of it and now have it linked HERE. This site exposed, in vivid detail, techniques abusers use to get followers to do their bidding. Very insightful

(A warning: Spiritual abusers can be downright ugly. Sometimes they hack blogs that expose their ugly practices. Provender will try to find safe sites that discuss the group, but if you should end up on a site that is hacked or gives you a bunch of pop-ups, or redirects you to unsavory pages, please let us know so we can make the links safe. Thanks!)

Why are some pastors abusive?

Why do they do it? There is no one answer to why some church leaders become abusive. Some do seem to enjoy controlling others or using their money. In some cases, the form of church government makes abuse easy to fall into. Some may have been brought up in churches with domineering leadership styles and that's what they are used to. Some likely have personality disorders. And sometimes, it's simply unintentional. I have read of pastors who recognize their abusive behavior and turn from it. I have read other sources that say that it's rare for abusive pastors to change. Sometimes you will never know why a leader does the harmful things he does. Instead of wasting time blaming, however, we can read up on spiritual abuse and through patient exploration, try to understand it better.

Georgia Southern Baptist blog ban

Moses Model and Absolute Power

Calvary Chapel and other churches provide ideal conditions for authoritarianism with their Moses Model church government structure. Too often, pastors find it hard to resist the temptation to absolute power without any meaningful accountability.

TESTING FOR ABUSIVE PRACTICES IN A MOSES-MODEL CHURCHI found this post on a non-denominational forum, and I thought I would repost it here because this test seems right on the mark.

I think I can help you find out if your CC has an abusive quality. Question its leaders in a loving, respectful manner and see what happens. Is there a topic you disagree with? Question the pastor, but do it with scripture. Take notes of his answers to research the scripture he uses. Next ask for the financial information on the church. Whether it is a recognized 501C3 by the IRS with a letter of determination or the pastor states he does not need a letter does not matter. The church by law is a non-profit organization and has to allow its donors access to its financial records. Lastly, visit other non-CC churches in the area and if you find one that you enjoy mention the church by name and share what you enjoy. Also, read a Christian author that CC in general does not approve of such as Rick Warren, R.C. Sproul or such and carry the book to one of your church meetings. Why do all of these things? Because.. one thing I know is most people who try to do these 3 things w.ill feel some fear in doing so. They know the unwritten rules of: 1. do not question the pastor,2. do not inquire about finances3. do not accept those we do not accept. If you have this fear, you know you are in an abusive CC. If you do not have the fear, the reaction to what you do will tell more than the answers. You will soon find in an abusive CC that you are an outcast, not welcomed and possibly shunned. If nothing happens and the pastor allows you to disagree by using scripture, does not hide the churches finances and allows you to search out if others are spiritually sound or not he and hisCC is more than likely secure in God's work.

On a sidenote

Though the Church Growth Movement is not inherently abusive in nature, there is an area where it overlaps with abusive church behavior, and that is when it moves to limit authority to just a few people or even one person.There is an authoritarian tendency in churches trying to break free of traditional church culture and become a CGM or PDCchurch. Those promoting such "purpose-driven" church changes know they will receive opposition, and they too often prepare for opposition by severe behavior: paring down boards, holding secret meetings, eliminating various safeguards and avenues of accountability.If the process your church is going through is guided by openness and transparency, with plenty of input by all members in the group and not just a small cadre of lockstep, groupthinking devotees, all is well.If authority figures, though, manipulate events and hide what they are doing, it's time to give careful scrutiny to what is going on with your church.

If your church is making the transition, be careful of any movement to avoid transparency or limit power.-----------------------------------------------------------Just a little fun with the "church growth movement": Cheeze Whiz Church.

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The main purpose of Provender is to give links to helpful sites on spiritual abuse.

It's hard to tell where to start sometimes, and Provender tries to be a starting place, directing the battle-scarred to places of help.