Mistakes When Moving a Parent to a Retirement Community

My siblings and I are trying to encourage and help our mother move out of the Florida house where she has lived for twenty-five years and relocate to a senior independent living community in Virginia. (Truth be told, most of this burden has so far been on the shoulders of my oldest sister.) This is not an easy task but it should be done. Our Mom no longer drives and currently lives alone in a rural Florida community with poor health care options and limited senior resources.

Except for one friend who drives my Mom to doctor appointments and to the store, my Mom lives the life of a hermit. She is highly dependent on the regular visits from my sister but my sister lives 90 minutes away and wants to relocate to Virginia to be near her children and grandchildren. I would want to do the same thing in my sister’s situation.

So, Mom needs to be out of her house ASAP. My sister and younger brother (who lives in Baltimore) have visited independent living facilities in Virginia and found at least one that we think my Mom will like. We do not want to make a mistake. On the other hand, almost any living situation will be an improvement over where Mom is now.

One concept that each of us must reluctantly accept is that Mom may not agree with our idea of a desirable living environment for her. Moreover, her reasons for not liking what we like may not appear rational to us. As we get older, our decision-making becomes less objectively rational and may even seem illogical to others. No amount of reasonable discussion can change our minds about certain things.

Fortunately, our Mom has acknowledged that she needs to move. The door to relocation has been opened and we need to move her through it as soon as possible.

Are mistakes possible in this future move? Yes. For example, I recently read a difficult story of a woman who convinced her parents to move from rural New York to an independent living community near her in California. Everything about the move made sense except that her parents could not (or would not) adapt to the change.

Yes, it is conceivable and in some cases likely that our older family members will make “where to live” decisions that are objectively illogical or even irrational from our perspective Nevertheless, if they are otherwise of sound mind they have the right to make those decisions. Our job is to be as supportive as possible while not carrying guilt around if a family member experiences negative consequences from making a decision that we disagree with. We also cannot limit our own living choices based on the decisions of those over whom we have no control, even if they are family whom we love and care about.

So, is it possible that we will make a mistake in having Mom move from her home in Florida? Sure – but the consequences of move paralysis are potentially worse. We will press forward and hope for a positive outcome for our Mom.

Comments

I have been thru caregiving for older family members for 20 years with 4 sets of elderly family members. It is tough any way you go. It is a drastic move for them, and extremely stressful on the nearest caregiver. Eventually we had to do it, and having only 1 parent is a lot easier then 2, as they don’t age “the same”. After we made the decision to move them we quickly realized no new location was perfect, but then neither was their home. To take a parent or loved one and place them in the care of someone else is extremely troubling. Ours ended up in the top assisted living resort type setting, very expensive and there were issues regardless. Those that we moved hated it. Hated the food, the staff, the room, the this and that. But we were there every day, took them out, got them to dr. appointments, sold their prior house and moved as many of their belongings with them as possible. What we found out, the seniors never got better, only worse. Even with all the watching and overview things went on we did not like, and we hated that they had to give up some freedom as did we with choices we would have preferred. But it would have killed us had we not made the decision to move them, as we were working 12 hour days, had our own house to take care of, and they just could not be properly cared for in their own home, it was no longer safe. It cost us a huge monthly fortune to keep them in the senior “resort” and it was heart breaking for us. Those that we could care for in our house or theirs, we did and a few died in that situation before we had to move them. It was gut wrenching to leave them alone with strangers. Notice I said “alone”. But it was worse to leave them in their own homes, we found one on the floor with a stroke and the husband was sitting in a chair reading a newspaper like nothing happened. Fortunately the ER resolved that problem. Ultimately we wanted them to be young and healthy again, and that was not going to happen, and eventually we had to decide on what was not only best for them, but for us, as we could no longer continue caring for them, keep our jobs, take care of our house. We never took a vacation together, either my husband or myself was here to watch over them. So even putting them in assisted living was tough for us and them. We did that for 20 years, and I am surprised our marriage survived but we were a good team. Throughout all this no other family members or siblings volunteered to help, even though they were retired. They were “too busy”. I never regret a day of it, but my husband and myself do not want to go thru what they went thru and what we went thru. They are all now deceased. And we miss them desperately but now we are trying to decide what our options are, and right now we are getting ready to sell out house and move to a condo–actually a condo that the last senior family member lived in until they deceased. If they had not lived in the condo we would have had to place them in assisted living. Their are negatives if they stay in their own home, and negatives if the go to assisted living. We eventually had to make the decision as to what was best for us the caretakers, and then what was best for them, and what was safest. If you don’t do it this year, you will again be facing that decision further down the road. When those in assisted living said they hated the food, I cooked food they liked and made for themselves, that did not work. When they wanted new clothes I took them shopping, that did not solve the problem. Anything we tried to do to make assisted living more desirable did not work, the seniors made sure we knew they were unhappy and punished us for it. Those were tough tough times. Would we have changed if we had it to do over again–NO!! We had reached the end of our rope, we could no longer care for them. And they could no longer stay in their own home safely. Would we have chosen a cheaper facility–no!!

We still have both parents but they have differing health and mobility issues. Both have fallen multiple times in the last year and cannot maintain their home and the 3 acres they are on in Middle TN any longer. We have finally gotten them around to considering selling their home and moving into an Independent Living Community near my sister in the Houston suburbs. Finally, this past week while at my sister’s for my nephew’s graduation, we went to visit 3 facilities that had been recommended by friends of my sister. My parents were impressed with what they saw and the options. We asked them what they thought, which one they thought they could see themselves living in, etc. amazingly they both chose the same facility as their favorite. They are now back home and it remains to be seen how soon they do indeed make a move but at least they have seen that these centers are not “nursing home” type deals. Neither my sister nor I live closer than 10 hours drive. They have been relying on one cousin who has now returned to working full time and a family friend for everything. It is never easy. My husband and I are also planning to relocate to Houston in about 7 years and we plan to go directly to an Independent Living Community for 55+. I am tired of home upkeep, shoveling snow, etc. I don’t want to put my kids through this. Best of luck to you. I hope your mom will be happy in Virginia.

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