Grieving for Mumbai

Perspectives from the mother of a terror victim.

To the families of those killed in the Mumbai terrorist attacks, it will take many years before you accept that you are the person whom tragedy has visited. Make no mistake; this tragedy will affect you for the rest of your life. You will long for the person who was murdered. You will long for the person you used to be.

People will ask you: Do you hate the killers? And when you answer no, they will think that something is wrong with you.

But hate is not something you have the energy for; you are too sad to hate. Besides you are a person who loves. To turn to hate would make you like the killers, and you refuse to let that happen to you. You will never have the happiness that you had, something will always be missing. The person you loved, as well as your belief that life was good.

Now you have experienced true evil. Your loved one was deliberately targeted. That evil does not go away from your eyes. When you close them, you see your loved one in his last minutes - you see yourself the moment you got the news. There are short-term therapies like EMDR that can help you deal with the shock of the trauma.

Don't forget your other children, especially if they are young. They are the silent victims. People think they don't understand and they understand everything. They know what has happened to their brother or father or sister or mother. But they don't want to talk about it with you. Make sure they have art or music or dance therapy, that they get to express what has happened inside them.

When people tell you to be strong, don't feel that you have to be. If you don't allow yourself to mourn, you will never again be happy. Mourning is the active process of transforming grief. It is a demanding process. You need support to engage in the work of mourning.

There are other victims of terror who have been through what you are now experiencing. Sometimes it is other survivors who can best offer you support - not the experts who may not understand what you really need. Don't be afraid to tell others what you need.

You will find gifts in your pain, new people, faith, things you didn't know. Embrace whatever blessings come to you.

People will be around you at first, but then eventually it's you and your family and your grief.

Let yourself cry now; otherwise you will be crying in the years to come. Don't let others tell you that your loved ones died for nothing. They died because they were innocent victims of radical Islamic hatred. They died because radical Islam is vicious and evil and worships destruction and stands against everything you hold dear.

When you refuse to be bowed by hatred and savagery, you honor your loved one by sanctifying life. For this reason it is paramount that you seek justice - but do not seek revenge. Revenge embitters you while justice elevates you. Justice is motivated by love; revenge is motivated by hatred. Revenge is the modus operandi of the terrorists, and their hatred for others will in the end be defeated.

Keep speaking about the evil that was perpetrated against your loved one. Don't allow the media or others to call the murderers militants or freedom fighters.

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About the Author

Sherri Mandell is the author of "The Blessing of a Broken Heart" and the co-founder of The Koby Mandell Foundation. The foundation is running a Send a Kid to Camp Koby Campaign for this coming summer. For more information on Sherri Mandell, her book and the foundation visit www.kobymandell.org.

Visitor Comments: 27

(27)
Madhukar Heranjal,
December 14, 2008 11:50 AM

Israel & India need to to come together.

Israel & India fact the same problem i.e. of the inhuman & ungodly massacre of innocent humans by the radical Islamic Terrorists.It's really very pathetic to note that many a perverted & sadistic Mullahs brainwash young Muslims in believing that by killing all non muslims they pleas Allah and shall merit a special place in Zannat (Heaven)!Little do these misguided youths know that they are destined to the fires of Jahannum(Hell).
It is time that Israel and India join hands like true bretherens and give a befitting reply to Islamic Radicalism.
Let us not forget that Judaism & Hinduism are one of the most ancient religions of the World which inspite of undergoing immense suffering has never let go its inherent faith in Humanity & God.
I have faith in the Omnipotent God and am sure that these Islamic Radicals who are perpetuating mass human genocide shall never succeed in their satanic mission but will meet their gory end very soon.

(26)
AVIVA,
December 10, 2008 3:58 PM

Dignity and strength

SHERRI YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US. YOUR LOSS IS SO TRAGIC AND YOU ARE ABLE TO GIVE CHIZUK TO OTHERS.
WHAT AN EXCELLENT ROLE MODEL YOU ARE.
YOUR RESPONSE IS A TRUE KIDDUSH HASHEM.

(25)
lenny,
December 9, 2008 8:07 PM

Why I hate....

One look at little Moishe, enough said.

(24)
Chana Leiman,
December 9, 2008 2:30 PM

Your courage

Kol Hakavod to you for sharing your insights with those who are newly bereaved. It takes courage to reach over your own pain to help others. May you go from strength to strength and may HaShem bless the work of your hands.

(23)
hammerin hank,
December 9, 2008 1:16 PM

I think mrs. mandell was saying not to be consumed by hate. Either way, all of the people who had a terrible loss are beyond our comprehension. May Hashem give all of you(and us) the strength to continue. May we all be zoche to see our loved ones soon with the coming of Moshiach soon.By the way I hate them and want to kill them, but i am still inspired by the mandells.

(22)
andrea,
December 9, 2008 12:39 PM

resentment and hatred are like poison that i take and expect someone else to die from- but that hate and resentment are like poison or acid that eat away at me until I die.
I understand why Mrs. Mandell feels that it is beneficial to put hate aside. I also admire everything she has accomplished since the brutal slaying of her child and his friend. She has accomplished much more with love than anyone could ever accomplish with hate, so I believe that whether you agree with it or not, hers is a very valid point of view.
Recently, my friend lost her child, of natural causes, and I sent her the video of the Mandells from this site, because it was so inspiring. It was really helpful to her and she is doing whatever she can to do for others in the merit of her child.

(21)
Menachem K.,
December 9, 2008 11:27 AM

Understanding Grief

Dear Sherri,
I understand what you are saying about "not having the energy to hate". It has to do with being able to deal with the loss without becoming a bitter person. I certainly share in the loss of your boy Koby and the recent Mumbai victims and hope that you have a Nechama amongst the rest of the mourners of Israel.
Menachem

(20)
M Uman,
December 8, 2008 5:52 PM

I hate the terrorists

I am a victim of 9/11 because my brother died on the 105th floor of WTC tower #1. Because of my brothers death I did Teshuva and now am moving toward Orthodox Jewish observance. I am one who HATES the enemy with much passion. Every waking hour I work on seeing retribution on the wicked cult of Islam. I want to see OBL head on a pike and all Islamic terrorists to be destroyed to eternity. I have been told by my Rabbis that Hate is not against Jewish belief. As another poster said, according to King Solomon there is a time and a place for all things. Hatred which is channeled into destroying evil in the world is a Holy hatred. These subhuman beings destroyed my brother and his family and they deserve middah keneged middah utter destruction. Maye Hashem destroy the evil Islam in our lifetime.

(19)
Beverly Kurtin, Ph.D.,
December 8, 2008 3:20 PM

Make them fear us

Do I hate the terrorists and homicide bombers? You bet I do. With every fiber of my being I hate them. Even more I hate the people who sent them to do their dastardly deeds. I have the luxury of being personally untouched by the monsters that caused such destruction that people try to convince themselves that they are going to “turn the other cheek” and forgive the wanton murderers of the innocents. That is Christianity, not Judaism.
Forgiveness is no longer a word I have in my vocabulary. Someone I thought was a friend of mine is so twisted in his hatred of the President-Elect of the United states and others of his race that I have had to take the extreme measure of filtering him out of my email in-box and blocked his telephone number from my cell phone.
I am wary of people who rail against those of other faiths and races. Some people have told me that I shouldn’t concern myself with people like that. Should we have been concerned when the Hitler Youth began their reign of terror?
My first reaction to the disaster at Mumbai was numbing, ice cold shock. How could that happen? I found that I could not wrap my brain around what I was hearing: forgiveness, spread light of forgiveness. Love your enemy.
I and my family are in the process of being trained with hand weapons that can be concealed. It is legal in Texas to do so. With the economy being as bad as it is how long will it be when once again one group will be separated from the rest of the world and blamed for the financial crisis? That group, of course, is going to be us, the Jews of the world.
Although I am not looking for trouble, it is going to come to me and mine, I intend to reply lethally. I am not going to go down as did my loved ones in the Holocaust. Am I overreacting? I think not. The hand writing is on the wall and in my email.
I bear no enmity towards those who are intelligent enough to realize that no ONE group is responsible for the economic downturn. But rather than fear those who will want to remove me from the one life HaShem has given me, I will make them fear me. The time has come.
Do not hate, but do not be unprepared.

(18)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2008 11:21 AM

Why the attacks on Mrs. Mandell

To all of you who attacked her so viciously please chill out. This is the way she feels, she is the one suffering not you. I feel the hatred with a passion against those animals (apologising to animals for the comparison), but to attack her for her views is unforgivable.

(17)
Marlene,
December 8, 2008 11:06 AM

Good Hates Evil.......

Denying that you hate someone who killed your child or sibling, or mate, sounds like repression, or denial...As a Jew, I was taught, "an eye for an eye", how can one who suffered such a devastating loss be told not to hate...hating the terrorists, does not make me think or have anything to do with terrorism...I do not believe in "turning the other cheek", nor any victim analogies...Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord....Amen...

(16)
malka,
December 8, 2008 8:10 AM

response to yehudis, comment #1

I am always inspired and empowered by everything I read that is written by Mrs. Mandell. She is a true tzedeket, by words and actions. The quality of my life would be dramatically diminished if her example, wisdom and advice were not available to me. I do not know her personally, so she could not speak to me privately. Yehudis, please reconsider your position.

(15)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2008 6:17 AM

Thank you

Hello Sherri
I heard you speak once at Haddasa Hosptial years ago through a tour I was on. You touched me and I want to thank you so much for the role you have taken as a healer by sharing your experiences. I took your information and developed a project for my Grief and Bereavement class here Canada. It was an eye opener for everyone and they all have a better understanding for supporting victims of terror attacks. Thank you thank you thank you. Please continue speaking out and hope you continue touching others the way you touched me.

(14)
Anonymous,
December 8, 2008 3:54 AM

hate is allowed

King Solomon tells us in Koheles that there is a time for everything, including a Time to Hate, and a verse from Tehillim says "Those who hate H-shem, I shall hate". While it's nice to want to love everyone, (though that's not what Mrs Mandell seems to be saying, thank G-d), it's not required of us, nor is it a sin to hate, we don't have to be more compassionate than the Almighty!!
thanks otherwise for a beautiful and moving essay.

(13)
Channa,
December 8, 2008 3:23 AM

I refuse to walk through life being afraid

My oldest son is serving in the Israeli army as a lonely soldier and every morning when I open my eye’s, the first thing I do is asking G’d to keep him save. More I can not doe and I hope if something might happen to him, I will have the courage not to hate.
Several times we have been in Israel while there was a bombing attack, ones even near to us, but I refuse to be afraid. Isn’t one of the goals of the radical Islamist to paralyze us in our fear and grieve?
By G’d there will be no mercy for what the Terrorist did, and for sure there’re no virgins waiting. In the end they are the losers. I hope this thought would give me any comfort.

(12)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2008 7:24 PM

pure rubbish

My son, my only child, was murdered by Islamic Terrorists on Sept. 11, 2001 and while most of the article is basically right I take issue with: "People will ask you: Do you hate the killers? And when you answer no, they will think that something is wrong with you. But hate is not something you have the energy for, you are too sad to hate. Besides you are a person who loves. To turn to hate would make you like the killers, and you refuse to let that happen to you."

The excerpt quoted is pure rubbish. I hate with an undying passion and I am not like the slimy ones who murdered him.

(11)
Islam is Evil,
December 7, 2008 6:24 PM

The word "radical" is unnecessary. After all, Mohammed himself said things like do not take Jews/Christians for friends and that the end of the world would not come until the Muslims killed all the Jews.

(10)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2008 4:21 PM

I can relate

I read Sharis book and I felt it helped me deal. It was open and honest about the pain and no magical fix for the grieving parents and family.

(9)
Anonymous,
December 7, 2008 4:07 PM

reacting to terror

Your article was so inspirational. I ache that your words that mean so much to all of us who witness this hatred and evil is coming from such a personal experience. I hope we all live to see this evil wiped out.

(8)
Karin Rebel,
December 7, 2008 3:23 PM

I feel deep sorrow over what was done to your beloved ones. And I will oppose if possible if our media does´nt tell the truth about the evil killers.
A friend in Sweden

(7)
Lewis Loflin,
December 7, 2008 1:57 PM

Are you nuts?

"hatred and savagery" is what the killers of almost 200 people in Bombay felt. It's not a matter of we hate them, but to admit they are evil and destroy them. And those and the culture that produces them.
Are so many Jews so stupid the Holocaust has taught them nothing? My father fought that Nazi evil and saw first hand what they did and we handled in the proper way. We kill them and yes, if possible, we avoid killing innocent people.
It wasn't just the six or so Jews that died this time, but two of my fellow Virginians, one of them a 13 year-old girl. What kind of savage just walks around shooting strangers?
Art or music or dance therapy??? Look, we can't surrender our humanity, but the destruction of evil is perfectly human. Yes there is evil even if stupid secular Jews and Gentiles claim otherwise.
Self-defense is a human right and we need to start doing it. If it means the total destruction of nations such as Saudi Arabia and Pakistan that breed this, then it must be done.
or we can be stupid like Israel that does nothing as terrorists try to kill their children. Start by destroying Gaza as an example. Institute a death penalty against terrorists and expel their families.
They won't love you then? Do they love you (or me for that matter) now?

(6)
Lydia Taylor,
December 7, 2008 12:47 PM

Your spirit is inspiring

How much better the world would be if there were more souls like you and less of those filled with evil and hatred. G-d will satisfy your needs

(5)
suri,
December 7, 2008 11:52 AM

it takes strength and love of G-d to write this

It is obvious that the Mandell's have deepened their faith, love and strength through all they have been through and continue to go through. I bless them from the bottom of my heart with the comfort that only our G-d can give.

(4)
Goerge Hussein,
December 7, 2008 10:19 AM

Nazi Hate.or lack therof

Now I understand why the Jews did not fight back in the Concentration Camps. They didn't hate the Nazis.

My heart is wounded for the families of the victims of this senseless murder spree. Once again, radical Islam has reared its ugly head, and, sadly once again we await any statement, decree, policy from the U.N. Is it just a remnant of us that perceive that this affects us all? The hatred poured out against Jews anywhere was once the rallying cry for the world to say " no more will we stand by and do nothing". Granted the targets were many, Americans, foreigners, Britons, etc. but, let us remember that the targets announced were Jews first, then the rest. The words of this letter touched my heart. Let us resolve to not join in the hatred by becoming hateful ourselves. To rise above this is to be truly heavenly emmisaries. Lets grieve with the bereaved, be a balm of healing to the wounded and pray for the hearts of onlookers to be softened.

(1)
Yehudis,
December 7, 2008 9:14 AM

What is this for?

I think that if Mrs. Mandell has advice to offer the bereaved, she should do so privately. I find in inappropriate for it to be publicly displayed.
Nor do I understand the purpose of this article when most of the bereaved do not read English and do not have Internet access and read secular papers such as the Jerusalem Post.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...