The Life and Times of Me

On Companionship

The following occurred in a Facebook chat where my friend is talking about her husband. I didn’t not copy it word for word, I just used what I remembered. So.

“Oh, don’t worry. You’ll find Mr. Right when you get to Italy.”
“I…um…I really have no interest in ever having a relationship that has anything to do with emotional involvement. That’s what pets are for. Like dogs and turtles.”
“But you have no choice if it’s fate.”
“We choose our own fates.”
“You’ll get lonely.”
“No…I really won’t. I had the entire week off and do you know how many times I interacted with human beings? Only when forced to in order to have food.”
“Why.”
“I don’t like people much? They’re scary and they talk fast and I never know what to do with my face when I’m walking past someone.”
“oh.”

Dude. WHY is it so hard to understand that I don’t want to settle down and be married in a house with 2.5 kids and a garden (actually, I would love a garden) and a picket fence and a mortgage?

Why is it so hard to believe that I do not crave any form of constant human companionship? If I’m lonely, I knock on someone’s door or call my Mom. If I want to chill with a dude then I go find one. If I crave touch then I get it.

What I never crave is someone asking me how I’m doing and actually wanting to know. I don’t want to talk (out loud) about my feelings. Let’s play Quelf. I never crave someone chattering about their boss or their day or their bird. I’d like quiet and a book and a cuppa, thanks. I never feel the absolute need to make anyone but myself happy, or guilty if I don’t produce that happiness for them. And that may be selfish, but it’s the truth. I hate going out exploring with people because then we go where they want to go and never where I want to go. I feel guilty if I assert myself and make them follow me around to see a painting or wander through a bookstore or whatever, so instead I follow them through clothing stores and to bars and then I feel as though my time’s been wasted.

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11 thoughts on “On Companionship”

this is completely not the point, but i hate shopping with people too. well, at least adults. hate it. the dawdling and the oohs and ahhs. geez, let’s just get on with it, buy the shit and then have a cup of coffee.
also, at the risk of sounding really obnoxious, seems to me that you just haven’t found people/persons with whom you can be yourself. and there’s no saying that you won’t. and there’s no rule even when you do that you have to have a picket fence. we have options. hallelujah.

There’s the hopeless romantic part of me that kinda hopes I do one day find “that somebody” But there’s also the realistic and selfish part of me that just really loves spending the entire weekend (or month. or forever) with just the dog (and really, the dog isn’t even required), and no, I don’t feel bad about it at all, and no, I’m not lonely, and no, I don’t feel like getting on Skype right now, and no, I will not tell you about my feelings (but if you’re curious what they are, I write about them enough, and if you’re smart, I bet you can figure it out).

The feelings part, Karen. AH. Yes. It’s like, “if you actually want to know, I’ve written them down way better than I could ever speak them out loud and I don’t really want to hear myself speak them out loud ever, so read this 10 page story I wrote about Rose and Ten and understand that the feelings in it are what I was feeling exactly when I wrote it. Or the personal essay that I tried to make humorous, but come on, that’s pretty transparent. Or just go on my freaking tumblr cuz I’m way too honest there.” It is so simple.
My first boyfriend laughed at me one time. He asked me how I was feeling and I said, “I don’t know. Give me an hour to write it out”. Not only did he laugh, he told me I was crazy cuz I had to wait for the voices in my head to tell me how I felt. That didn’t last long.

You know what? You do your awesome thing, yo. Sometimes I feel like that too- I like me, I like hanging out with just me, and I don’t really need anyone there because I DON”T feel lonely. And that’s ok. Spend your time and energy how you want to, not how society tells you to. 🙂

[…] 1. Deviled eggs were discovered. Or. Well. My love for them was discovered.2. I realized how vehemently I don’t want children AND really started to embrace my feminist side.3. I analyzed the most recent Star Trek movie, 4. “Couch Surfing” happened with my lovely sister.5. I went to VidCon but didn’t write about it at all (I’d like to actually. Maybe sometime soon) and then didn’t post until 3 months later when I proceeded to write only that “I miss Xanga” and then not write for another two months. But I did write about some other great adventures!6. I had a series of debauched nights that were fun and meaningless. I did not write about them all.7. I messed up my hair. So. Badly. 8. I made a kick ass Christmas Playlist for you all.9. I had a few deep (ish) thoughts. (just a few)Anddd10. I actually did date this guy for a little while. And then I sabotaged it Because relationships are for stable people. […]