Monday, June 29, 2015

CANDYGRAM
So, what's up with the sharks?? I don't know if I agree with the naysayers about being safe to go in the ocean. First of all it's their home. Why shouldn't they be in there? I feel bad for anyone that was hurt or killed. I saw a photo of a shark, though, on a line with a bunch of assholes around it taking pics. Disgusting. It's the 40th anniversary of Jaws. I know a lady who sings this song all the time and everyone will just accompany her. It's her fave. It always makes me smile.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

UNDER PRESSURE
I ordered this pressure cooker from QVC. I've had it for a couple months and have been afraid to use it for fear it would blow up like the old fashioned ones. I have to say what I've done, so far, has been pretty good. So far so good and no explosions!

Sunday, June 21, 2015

FATHER'S DAY
I understand that some people just don't want kids and prefer to remain child free. I find that weird but that's their choice. This question is not for them. I sometimes wonder, though, do men that never had children regret it? I wonder what the statistics are. Is there a longing and a loss like women have? I would think so. I would think there is some sense of loss and grief… Even questions like who do you pass your belongings down too? I suppose it's different, in a way, because men can have children later and the loss of, literally, not having them is different… still, I wonder.

I think I'll always have a problem - every mother's day, every father's day. Pretty much - every day. IDK, I think that anyone that has dealt with infertility for so long will still have that sadness - never seeing your husband play with your baby or see him grow up with his eyes or his smile…

Someone actually told me to just get over it - and I know the ship has sailed and maybe I make people uncomfortable because I talk too much. I hear things like I wish you could take mine or I can't deal with the ones I have. Who says that? It's the same as the fighting couples in sam's club. Just annoys me to no end.

This last miscarriage would have knocked anyone down. Finding out about the pregnancy right after my MIL died, being blamed, being ignored while I was waiting to miscarry, being abandoned the day it happened. It's a lot to deal with. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and it was never dealt with properly. This isn't just coming out of the blue.

I plant flowers in all kinds of shoes. I always had baby shoes in the yard and on the porch. The ones from the house were thrown in a bucket and brought to storage (not by me) and I brought them to the house here. I have my favorite pair on the bottom of a table outside. Nothing in it. I can still see them, though, if I look. The rest have just been sitting around. I haven't been able to re-plant in them. I had a bunch of others in a bin in storage. I already took care of them. I was always going to use them as favors for my baby shower if I ever had one - with hens and chicks planted in them, of course. Today, I gathered the ones outside…… and I threw them all away.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

THIS LITTLE PUGGY
One of my favorite ladies always says Lily is AS CUTE AS CHRISTMAS. I never heard that expression before but I think she is right. ;-) Isn't she cute?
I remember when she was afraid to get on the elevator at work… now she drags me on and can't wait until the door opens so she can see all her friends!

Friday, June 12, 2015

SHOP TILL YOU… GET ANNOYED
You know, very often, I still get a little ping in my heart when I go to Home Depot or Target or Sam's Club. Especially when I see couples doing their everyday shopping…. I was in Sam's tonight and saw this asshole going on and on about the deal he was getting on those shorts.
He just rubbed me the wrong way and was so obnoxious to his wife/girlfriend or whatever she was. Actually, everything he picked up he had something to say about it. The store was about to close - the lights were literally turning off and he was taking twenty minutes an item to talk about it before he put it on the belt. I just wanted to scream - dude, you are a little too excited about being at sam's club on a friday night with this chick - go home, now, and pat yourself on the back about all the bargains you're getting.

Right before I got in line to check out there was an elderly couple fighting in the housewares aisle. Like seriously I thought they were going to start punching each other. And last night, I was in Target and this young couple - probably early twenties - was baby talking or maybe it was their normal speech and the girl was saying you aren't going to get any cuddle kisses when we get home because you wouldn't let me buy those m and m's. I thought she was kidding at first but it was serious, fighting talk. The guy was saying you don't deserve those m and ms because you wouldn't let me play xbox the other night. I can't even go on. It was just so obnoxious I was ready to explode.

I can't believe the outward disgust and just plain meanness I see between couples when I am out. Is it just me that's annoyed by it? I truly don't want to go out anymore because all I do is question how I'm the one that doesn't have a husband while all these other fucking idiots do?!? It breaks my heart over and over again. I used to like shopping. I think I'm going to order everything from amazon so I don't have to go out anymore.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

WATER LOGGED
A little bit ago we discovered something. Everything in boxes that was on the floor was soaked in storage. Chrissy actually noticed it in her unit and then we checked out mine and it was the same thing. Not sure if it just came up from he floor or what. It doesn't seem like it came in through the door. The stuff in bins is ok - just the stuff in boxes. A lot of my stuff didn't make it.

We got sloppy for awhile and just started pushing things in. DCD brought other stuff over without me really knowing or going through it and it just got pushed deeper and deeper. If it was paper - it was gone. Soaked all the way through. Books, papers, mostly everything from the third floor was just sopping wet. It makes me sick. Some of the stuff shouldn't have been kept - like old travel brochures, etc… I was going to get to throwing them away but, like I said, things just got tossed in the back and blocked with other stuff. There was no way to salvage anything. I kind of just went through the boxes as best I could to make sure there wasn't something I really, really needed. It was very depressing and another kick in the face, really. A big part of my life - just destroyed. Again.

It was kind of good that my decision was made, I guess. I got rid of a good amount of stuff. I know that, in the end, none of it is really that precious. It was mine, though, and some things are hard to let go of. I kept thinking that maybe if I hated my past life and hated my ex husband it would be easier to get rid of everything. I liked my life and my things and my memories... This, as stupid as some things were that I kept, was another loss.

Maybe it was for the best - "stuff" I probably really didn't need. Some things though, I was sad about. All my manuscripts and work for my party stuff was destroyed. Some drawings and stuff from the 15 minutes I taught preschool… I'll get over it but still. I was just throwing whole boxes away.
Magazine clippings (from the pre-Pinterest days) and wish boards… which I'm happy/sad to say that most of this one I have/had!
All my Carlson craft stuff and old wishing star and puppy dog productions invoices and business stuff… Old school books and folders and hundreds of dollars in old Nittany Notes!!! ;-)
I was joking (a little bit) as I kept saying "I'M THROWING AWAY MY LIFE" as I discarded 25 year old Psych notebooks and folders… Chrissy kept telling me to shut up and fill the garbage bag. She was getting all Dr. Phil on me and telling me it was not my life… I still have the memories of walking to speech class with Denise when the squirrel fell out of the tree and getting Chinese food with Steve and going to Uni-Mart even if I throw those folders away - yeah, duh! You all know how I am, though, so I assume you know how difficult it was. The only thing she let me keep, for now, was a small box of letters which I had always had at the house and brought to storage a few months ago b/c I needed room. They actually didn't get wet because they were on top of other boxes. I'm surprised she let me keep them. Even though we were cracking up over certain things in between me bitching and crying, I think she knew I was one water logged box away from a breakdown. That was the only bone she could throw me.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

DEAR, CHAIR - I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE
Cindy and I were out junking bright and early this morning - went to a church sale and a neighborhood sale and happened to run into a good house sale just driving down the road. These are my two favorite finds from today.
The rickety, rusty turquoise chair that is seriously going to collapse in about a minute makes my heart happy. The lady was like it needs a little work (like a lot of work) and I was like IT"S PERFECT!!! They actually had an old straw wreath on it and it was sitting under a tree and it looked like a million bucks. At least to me. ;-) I love it. I love it. I love it. It was $3. And the little phone - oh. my. god. The husband said they weren't sure if they should put it out. They were going to throw it away. He was shocked I picked it up. I bought the phone and this old book and some party bingo cards for work.
I asked how much and she questioned if a dollar was too much for all of it. I gave her a dollar each. So $3 for all three. My friends all laugh because I'm constantly giving people more than they ask! I figure if they make me happy I should make them happy too. Win-win.

The church sale we went to first was decent too. Got this doll with one shoe and a few other things…
Some bulbs for my boss - she makes wreaths with them.
This Japanese bunny family… 30 cents. I bet there's a little girl missing but I'm kind of liking the only child vibe.
…and these beauties - love their smooshed faces. 50 cents.
This vintage tray was a find. Mid century COUROC. I have one of Glo's - hers is round. Same pattern. This would be around $30 I think. It was marked $1. Yes, one dollar.
I want to do this professionally. If I can get organized here and get some space I think I can do it. I have a group that I think would go in with me…

Can I make The Wishing Star the next Junk Gypsy or Earth Angel Toys?!?

Friday, June 5, 2015

BIRTHDAY FUN
Today is Chrissy's birthday… I told her we could do anything she wanted with one exception. We were not going to STORAGE to clean my units on her birthday.

I stopped at Dunkin Donuts on my way to meet her because it's also National Donut Day.
She wanted to go to a couple estate sales. She map quested everything - had everything printed and had her map book out. I created a monster. Seriously. I did. The first house was a little sad to walk through. The stuff was expertly arranged by the kids. Their dad had a ton of tools in a fabulous shed. I wanted everything. They seemed sad to be getting rid of his things. I bought The Dad a jacket and, of course, I couldn't get out of the damn garage… This metal bucket would have been at least $25 in Adamstown. They were asking $1… same for the old painted toolbox. The yellow sprinkler, for 50 cents, will make good legs for someone if I ever get to make my people… There are a few other things in the bucket - all in all, $13.
The thing in the back is an old car creeper. $3. We did end up at storage just to drop it off with the rest of my shit…

Then we went to another house sale on some crazy road. They were some mountain men and I thought, for sure, that they were going to eat us. Chrissy always finds a way to turn around where she isn't supposed to.
I think that sign actually said - VIOLATORS WILL BE EATEN.

He had some good stuff. Old bike, old coke cooler, this fab doll baby.
Actual conversation...

J: I want this doll.

C: You don't need that doll.

J: Look at her hat. I WANT HER!!! She's 15 dollars. (as I check under her dress and looked at her shoes...)

C: Like you wanted that (haunted) baby carriage for the yard that you had to get??

J: She's the only baby I'll ever get to have. ;-(

C: (laughing) Her eyes will flutter at night and her head will spin and she'll haunt you in your fucking sleep.

Yeah. I didn't get the doll.
My boss lives out that way so she's been telling us to go to Lucci's so we had birthday lunch there.
I already planted in my bucket!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

SNOW DOGS
I don't sleep anymore - maybe three-four hours a night. I can't focus. I'm very scattered. I just haven't been getting anything done. Even if I have a hundred things to do I'll usually just say it can wait - till morning or the next day or maybe just never. I like snuggling on the couch with the pup in the wee hours of the morn. For some reason Snow Dogs was on. Seemed weird for this time of year. That movie is near and dear to my heart. For a brief moment I wanted to tell you know who... I know. I even find it weird. I wonder how long that will go on? Till I'm old and grey? Till I lose my memory? The Bud seemed to enjoy it - her ears would perk up when the dogs would some on. She's such a good pup.

About Me

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A LETTER TO MY TWENTY YEAR OLD SELF

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The 3six5 Project

I was honored to be selected to participate in the 3six5 for 2011... 365 days - 365 points of view. You can read my entry by clicking on the photo and go to the main site for more information on the project.