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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we take your health needs very seriously. However, not quite as seriously as Kyle and Owen Davis, who have a diet and exercise plan that goes back to the very roots of Judeo-Christian civilization.

Have neighbors or relatives thrown ram’s blood upon your swollen body to rid you of gluttonous demons? For each feast and holy day do you painstakingly alter your formal loincloth? Is your hieroglyph a hippo? You may have felt like you were slaving away in the past trying to lose weight, but not with the Pharaoh’s Diet and Exercise Plan! This is the only system in Egypt with 100% weight loss success!

— No tomb-like weight rooms –- workouts are conducted in the quarry, providing fresh air and a free tan!

— All exercises performed in the best low-permeability, mid-resistance, core-centric workout medium: Sand!

— No weights! Only fun and diverse activities consisting of cutting, pulling, and setting massive stone blocks –- all muscles groups will be honed and toned!

— Daily breakfast of high-protein, low fat gruel-mash!

— No lunch!

— Construct a temple –- of your body!

— Free water satchel and designer loincloth — our gifts to you!

Still skeptical of the Pharaoh’s divine solution bestowed upon him by Osiris himself? Check out these testimonials from customers our magnificent Pharaoh has deemed eternally satisfied:

“Amazing! I’ve dropped three loincloth sizes in just a week!”

— Mordecai, age 26

“After laboring through all religious holidays under an intolerable sun I am a slim, trim and never looked so svelte in a loincloth. Though I am forbidden to leave the quarry, I know my family is proud of my weight loss.”

— Shmuel, age 22

“Only 6 months ago I’d eat anything –- goat, falcon, rock hyrax –- I ate it all. But our wise and benevolent Pharaoh replaced lunch with grueling workouts that have left me cut and chiseled like the stones we must move constantly, endlessly.”

— Glukel, age 22

“The trainers have pushed me harder –- and made me push stone blocks heavier –- than I ever thought possible. Even when wrought with staggering hunger or heat-induced hallucinations their persuasive words and lashes spur me onward, step after endless step. Also, this designer loincloth lifts my spirits as the stone blocks become heavier with every passing day.”

— Yankel, age 29

“Don’t…stop whipping me…into [shape].”

— Shlomo, age 19

Don’t be fooled by other overnight diet solutions or phony pyramid schemes: the Pharaoh’s Diet and Exercise Plan will keep you fit, forever. Additionally, if you act before the Feast of the Hawk you will be enrolled in the Life-Long plan where our trained professionals will give you personal and relentless attention spanning your entire life, at no cost! Now is the time to join the only weight loss system the Pharaoh has decreed perfect in his Kingdom! Be the envy of your walled complex or hut structure and apply today at your nearest Sphinx!