The Seven Rules of Vampire Hunting...from a "Real" Vampire Hunter

Every now and then, a reader comment just blows my mind. Do you remember my vampire hunting kits roundup from a few weeks ago? Someone claiming to be an honest to god, "real" vampire hunter emailed me to explain that "the only creature who is lonelier than the vampire, it the one who hunts it." Here is his (or her) excellent advice on the Seven Rules of Vampire Hunting:

Rule #1- You can not kill a vampire. It is already dead. You can only destroy it.

Rule #2- An annoyed vampire is a dangerous vampire.

Rule #3- Guns tend to annoy vampires. See rule #2.

Rule #4- Real vampires are evil.

Rule #5- If you are seduced by a vampire, you will become one, or become dead. See rule #4.

Rule #6- (And this is the one that really counts.) Kill them all!

Rule #7- When in doubt, and all other times, execute rule #6.

"Having made my share of real vampire hunter kits, I am so sick and

tired of these fake kits popping up all over the web," writes the person known as Hellsinger. "Other than a shotgun's ability to temporarily knock a vampire down, firearms are useless against the undead."

He continues:

To the true hunter, stealth and cunning are the greatest defenses. We are knights on a mission. The cross is our shield, and the stake is our sword. To all you would be slayers and hunters, my advice is to apprentice yourself to a master slayer, be patient and humble, and learn from your master.

If after your first successful destruction, you find you have a taste for the game, them maybe, you can join the ranks of the elite, but if you have any sense at all, you'll run and hide. Make no mistake about this, the only creature who is lonelier than the vampire, it the one who hunts it.

Get the Theater

Your weekly guide to local culture with calendar listings and theater, dance, and comedy reviews.