月份：十月 2016

Completely unrelated to forgiving or understanding oneself, this is the process of finding the calmness and going-with-the-flow within myself.

The emotions I have, the thoughts that go through my head, and the constant self-doubt I have, I struggle with it every single day.

Sometimes I wake up without a single care in the world, but as soon as I start doing things, my mind and emotions get the better of me. It applies to everything in my life, and I always end up asking myself: Am I any good?

Am I getting better? Am I going somewhere? Am I making progress? Am I on the right path? Am I doing the right things? Am I making the right choice?

These questions never leave my head, and if the demons get out of control, I just end up stopping. I stand in place, because what I have now is safe and sound. I may not be able to hold on to what I have now. But at the same time, I tell myself there’s nothing to lose. Just because I can’t do it now doesn’t mean I lose what I have gained. And these voices constantly fight with each other. Because of this, sometimes I go overboard, sometimes I’m too reserved, and sometimes I just end up making no changes. The battle seems to never end.

“The greatest battle is always with oneself." This is something that has been proven time and time again, especially in my case. You surpass the current you, and then you aim to surpass the new you. But at the same time, I’m holding myself back in every aspect mentally. This puts my emotions in extreme turmoil, and it’s just hard to deal with.

I don’t know how I get through it all, but the things I do definitely play a major part in it. I’m glad that I have these things to get me through, or at least provide a distraction when things get too hard to bear. But in the end, it’s not a permanent solution, it’s just a pain reliever.

The message “Love Yourself" has been popular for quite some time, and I’m not doubting the words, not one bit. However, how does one love themselves when they know all the shit they’ve done and all the mistakes they’ve made. It’s not a question of “Who you are", it’s about “What you did". Of course, it doesn’t define you as a person, but it is a record of how horrible you can be as a person. And it’s like a criminal record, with you being the person keeping that rap sheet.

I guess it somewhat comes back to the issue of forgiving yourself, but the case with me is: I’m so afraid I’ll do it again unwittingly, or simply just do it for my own gain. On one hand, I’m afraid to hurt someone, but on the other hand, I would love nothing more than to destroy some people’s lives. I hold grudges, and I hold it hard. Doesn’t mean I’ll act on it, but if someone I hold a grudge to is having a crisis other than dying, I would literally watch on the side and not do a thing.

So in the end, how could/should I come to terms with all the demons inside? How do I love myself when I’m so afraid of my potential to do wrong to others? How do I make peace with myself?

Honestly, I have no idea. It’s a long and hard process, and there is never a day that goes by without me telling myself: You’re not good enough.

At the very least, right now it’s changed to: You’re not good enough yet. I don’t know how much longer it’ll take for me to get there, and since I have stupidly unreasonable standards, it might take forever to get past certain stages.

See all this? I have to deal with all this. Sometimes I think I might even be mentally ill, but I don’t know. There are definitely some days I would wish I’d never wake up, though. In a way, that would be a big blessing. At the same time, I don’t want to just “get by" each day, because it’d be such a waste.