How can I not turn bitter towards women after being alone for years?

I know that's an odd title but I'd rather no one go straight to posting insults so I'd like to explain myself.

Since I was about 15, I haven't had any friends. I've been able to laugh and joke with people at school but never had any actual friends I could trust. I went through a school (that was mostly guys) staying isolated, did well in exams and was hopeful college would be better. I then went to college and it's still the same. I've never had a girlfriend and I've never really had a social life at all. I know I'm not entiteld to sex or popularity but I'm tired of always being alone and after 7 years of it, it's hard not to be angry. I actually get on with people pretty well but I just can't have personal relationships with them.

I know it's not logical but I'm starting to feel really bitter and frustrated. I can't fit in and people aren't really interested in me (not their fault as they don't know me and have their own lives). I used to dream about getting married and girls I know online always say I'm sweet and caring but I've lost hope in that. It hurts that I've started to become really cynical and resentful towards love and women.

Is there anyway I can control my emotions better so that my loneliness doesn't make me a bad person?

Most Helpful Girl

"I've never really had a social life at all."I disagree. You've had a social life. You're not a hikikomori. It was just not something you considered awesome compared to 'normal' standard.

It's really hard to find people you can trust. You can have a million people you talk to, but it's all surface level. And when you breach the surface level, you wonder... 'Oh, is it okay for me to ask them this?" or "Should I really tell them this?" That point is when you trust yourself to trust someone. And plunge in. Sure, the plunge may or may not be nice. Water's never to your temperature. It takes a while to adjust. And then you may not even realise when you've approached level 3 of friendship (if you've been swimming a while already). (Disclaimer: I just made these levels up. Woo. But I guess it's when you can maybe have petty fights with them, but know you've got each other's backs. Or joke with them knowing they understand you're not rude or desire to hurt them. Maybe.)

"I can't fit in and people aren't really interested in me (not their fault as they don't know me and have their own lives)"Have you ever considered you've been playing 'Friendship' at 'Level: Advanced' where the security between levels is just that much harder to breach? What if you tried adjusting it to 'Level: Beginner' or 'Moderate' for a while? What I mean is... if you presume people are happy and wanna be stuck in their own little lives, then you should be happy in your own little life with a label on your door, 'I can't fit in, so I won't let people fit in.' You know what gets me about one of my 'friends'? It's that she keeps saying I'm her 'best friend' but she takes an appointment to call me. Like... really? Am I a doctor? It would help to be a little bit more carefree about other people's spaces when you're playing tag with friendship, not so cautious that you bottle yourself up. I will text her at 3am because I feel like talking to her. I reach out when I want to. It's up to her when she wants to respond.

That's the part where you take the plunge. You don't book appointments with water. You see it, and you dive. (Unless you're scared of the water, or diving in.) You'll only know if it works once you cause a little disturbance in other people's lives. You never know when they'll accept the disturbance and make it their own because it's fun/exciting for them. And if you realise that you really ARE a disturbance, back out and they can be back in their happy little closed up lives.

"I just can't have personal relationships with them"Do you want to? You may or may not find people you can connect to in your current circle. You're gonna have to meet/ reach out to new people. If you're feeling asocial, well.. can't help that. Do it when you're in your better moods I guess? Or enjoy online friendship. Keyboard pals, yay.

"Is there anyway I can control my emotions better"I think you've been controlling your emotions a bit to much. You've somehow made a comfortable yet irritating space for yourself within your 'isolation'. It's almost like you're waiting for someone to come knocking, and maybe save you/pull you out of your shell - you're waiting for someone to be your disturbance - but you realise it's like 'Waiting for Godot'. But that's just my opinion.

I think one area to address could be your perspective on what friendships mean/entail. And to question your ideals - as in, are you holding onto some conception of friendship that is based on (unrealistic) expectations? What I mean is.. who would you consider a friend? Someone who reveals their deep dark dirty secrets to you?

6th grade, someone told me, 'This is what friends do." (I don't recall what "this" was. I think it was calling each other over phone.) I was like, oh. So if I don't do that, does that mean I don't have any friends? Then I really questioned what friendships meant and who I considered my friends. I had no answer. So then I thought... do I have friends at all or are they people I just hang out with?

My family moved cities by the year end, and I joined a new school. 10th grade, we had to shift again. And I started panicking. I didn't understand myself, until I realised it was because I won't have the people I was hanging out with around me anymore. First time I felt that. I guess that's when what friendship was dawned on me.

But I still can't define it. I talk to different people differently. What I reveal to A, I wouldn't even talk about with B. C will be someone I enjoy being around with only because they're with A and A acts as a bridge. D will be some I go to when I feel contemplative/have some doubts, or wanna discuss about 'life' with. And then I'm on my merry way. Would I call these 4 people my friends? Sure. Then again, maybe not? I still don't know.

People connect and people move on from connections. You may or may not reconnect. You may have a profound moment with a stranger on a bus. I guess the easiest way to deal with these is to take them as they are. As moments.

"I used to dream about getting married"Wanna try arranged marriage? Hehe. Works sometimes.

You're still young, despite all of your experiences. You don't know what will happen to you 3 years from now. Just be open and connect. Maybe allow yourself a little more space to be hurt. You never know who'll want to take in a plunge into your waters. Say, 'Let's hang out again.' Try to make it happen. Good if it does. No harm if not.

My SO took a plunge into my territory. I made the water freezing cold. He got out, but left his presence. Eventually, I took a dive in his. Now we share territory.

"(Disclaimer: I just made these levels up. Woo. But I guess it's when you can maybe have petty fights with them, but know you've got each other's backs. Or joke with them knowing they understand you're not rude or desire to hurt them. Maybe.)"

Umm... so you 'don't deserve sex'? Okay. o_OMasochist much? Or do you think sex is like some sort of justice? O_o Sex is just sex. Like a burger is just a burger. People just blow it out of proportion.

Petty fights and jokes... hmm...Yea... I sort of reverse-experienced it a while back. Met a not too old but old friend who hadn't been in touch for 4 years. We used to be tight in college. We just chanced upon each other so we texted a common friend. And he was like, why am I excluded? So I made a joke that nobody loves you. And this girl said, 'How mean!' I was like... what? I assumed she would know it was just a joke. I felt awkward and wondered... who was it that changed? Probably me. I assumed I had that much space with them. Or maybe I thought I was close to them like I was close with my other group where the other guys are so much more mean but I know they don't mean harm. So if my intentions are getting scrambled here, then... were we ever close or did the distance eat us?

What Girls Said 1

Anonymous

I think many of these are your insecurities. As many people have them for some time. Even i did. Everybody has their lives but people who want to share each other s life incidents are friends.If u r a sweet guy u automatically become attractive to many girls.Laughing off wid other people is ok. But we need real friends also in life to help us in our sorrows. Try to get to know urself better first. Ur likes, emotions etc. And see if u feel comfy wid oder people, den what type of people. And spend tym wid dem.I dont knw ur entire situation bcoz i guess sometyms oder people dont want to make frnds wid u, bt still u cn find one who is similar to u.Hope i cud help. And i sincerely feel these r just ur insecurities.