If I live this life I'm given, I won't be scared to die.

Well we have come to my final sunshineinablackdress post. The new blog is up, and started for new beginnings. I started this one years ago, to chronicle a very huge part of my life. Where in, I have to say I was blessed for that book to finally open and have so much added to it; I am fairly well dead that the book had an ending, as opposed to a sequel. Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.
I leave with a lot of fear.
I met this phenomenal friend months ago. He loves me unconditionally. He took me to do so much. He dried my tears when I cried. He never left my side and picked me up, when all else had dismissed me for feeling broken over what I lost. What Addy lost. I learned to do so many new things. I got back to a healthy life. I learned to communicate. I learned to let go of anger. I learned to accept compliments. I learned to remember the good that is me. I did not find me alone, but I found me. I had been lost for so very long. Long before my one had really came to me. This person did everything in his power to make me feel at home. Bought me pillows and blankets for his place. Bought all my girl stuff so I didn’t have to travel back and forth. Always brought me coffee. Took me to meet his family (This is a HUGE deal to me) Sang to me. Danced in the middle of the rain with me. Made an ass out himself over and over, just to try to get me to see. The largest was him and other friends, not only learning my favorite song, but playing it in a bar full of strangers for my birthday. A ten minute song! The second greatest thing he did was work with my best friend to frame a bunch of pictures of Addy and my ex for her room. I had just re done her room. I had held on to her spare bed in hopes of getting to travel to my one. To start my family the right way. The hard way, but the most appropriate way; given the circumstances. I could not accept the gift of the photos. I knew how hard they worked, and they understood. This person stood up for me through all of the Facebook messages, emails, IG messages, snap chat mean things. All of it. It was like I was his little sister and he did a fantastic job. Where I thought maybe I deserved the harassment and mean comments, he saw me as a person who didn’t. Somewhere along the way he fell in love with me. I could not be more grateful. I only have one other friend like that, and she is so far away. I love him to death, but I am not in love with him.
This is where fear sets in. this man would have and can give me everything in the world that I ever wished for, but I didn’t want it. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t from my one, and I would have traded all of it for a forehead kiss and a silly Irish tune. What is wrong with me?
I think you meet this person and you feel this way, and you touch perfection. You can’t go back after that. You have to, but you just can’t. You can fill your time with people who make you feel good; all the while thinking about the person you would rather be with. That person crosses your mind way more than anything ever has and maybe more than anything ever will.
So you settle. So it seems.
I awoke to an email sent by my friend to my ex, luckily he had typed the email address wrong after a night on the town, but it was a line crossed. I was so disappointed. As we will always remain friends, I explained to him that I don’t condone that, and it was not acceptable.
I finally let my best friend take me out, whom I have not been talking to because of acts of treason. We have a birthday tradition, and I knew that I owed some forgiveness, as he has shed a lot on me over our 15 years of friendship. I covered my bases; made sure I had money for a cab ride “home,’ as to not put myself in a situation. We had a blast. It was like old times, but I kept a little wall up, and I’m just not back to being full on trusting with him. May never be again. We walk in and I see this person. Like a person that just has a pull, that you just have to look. I look and he’s looking too. Mind you, I am out in a tiny dress, cowboy boots, and a unicorn trucker hat. I dressed ridiculous, because A. It was my birthday, and B. I wanted to protect myself from the friend’s approaches. He came over and I swear it felt like the entire club was quiet. I heard nothing but him. I saw nothing but him. He excuses himself and goes to step on the stage. WTF!? I didn’t know there was a band playing, much less that I was sitting there talking to one of them. (he has stated that he loved that, that he knew I wasn’t a groupie chick because I was intrigued long before I even knew who he was) we spoke on breaks but I had to retire. He walked me to my cab. Texted for me to get home safe, and texted to make sure I made it safe; and then “goodnight moon;” my favorite words. How did he know? We have had some very in depth conversations taking me until 6am almost every day since. It is crazy how your body can function on no sleep when you are in that mindset. I got to my friends house around 3am and proceeded to pass out. He said I wouldn’t shut up about the kid. New moment. He woke me up with coffee and said, “Melissa I think you are going to be alright now.” I inquired why. Words are stuck in my head. Eidetic memory. “When I first found you, you cried yourself to sleep almost every night. You would say his name in your sleep (the ex, I don’t like names on my blog) you would wake up sweating and screaming his name. You would wake up and call me him. You would fall asleep talking about him. I would wake up to makeup tears all over my couch or bed, depending on your mood. Today is different. You fell asleep laughing and not shutting up about this kid. Things are going to be ok for you now.”
Of course I felt like an asshole, he was right. It was the first night that I didn’t check my phone. I didn’t text. I didn’t blog. I didn’t email. I didn’t Instagram. I lived in the moment, for hours and hours. Like a school girl.
Here’s where fear sets in more.
He is still not him. He is amazing to me. Will he be to Addy? Will Addy be to him? The connection between that child and that man will probably be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. But furthermore, was that connection even real or just one sided? How much was fake. How much was real. How much feeling and love do I hold onto that was actually real? Was any of it? I like to think sometimes that some of it was, but the demeanor and things going on make me think none of it was at times. So is it settling if this is real and that was fake?
All I know is today. All I know is that what I had belongs to someone else. Is he settling? He tells me that our life was nothing but drama, I agree, 100% I don’t think that he ever got that the drama came from his side and his set of “people,” his side of the street. I let it in, I own that, but I also own that by letting it in I learned the truth, which I deserved. I have blocked more phone numbers and emails in the last 6 months than I have in my life. In fact, I have never blocked a phone number in my life until this year. It continues, and the email addresses and profiles build, so I just refrain. Sometimes I laugh at the outright absurdity of it all. Some days it makes me cry. Some days I don’t even open them. I have talked to my friend about this, in depth. I am not with him. I have not been with him. (In case you are reading) I am not harming anyone. I have refrained from even being places that he would be. I have refrained from hanging with mutual friends. I have removed myself from the situation all together, what is so special about me that people feel the need to use their day to wreak havoc on my life? His perspective, as always, was stellar. There is no trust Melissa. They are now turning to you expecting you continue to banter with them. You listened to them before, so they know you will listen again. They are wanting you to answer the questions and doubts that they have in their head. There is no trust and they need to validate it. They are wanting you to concur one way or another if you are with them or not. You keep your life so protected now, and they are not used to that. All gossip is gone and they cannot stand not knowing. The fact that they spend their day worrying about what you or him are doing, means they have no faith in what he is doing to and for them. Just keep avoiding it. Let it play out. It will fade.
I pray he is right. It has seemed to hit a high but I feel with the move, I pray that the lull is coming. It is hard to just ignore it. It was my world. As I love hearing good things from him, I hate hearing them from people who get the blessing of his time and company. I hate knowing things about him, third party. Id rather hear the excitement in his own voice. I hate hearing bad things about him to “ward me away from him,’ when I am not even near him.
Life has changed a whole lot. A lot of it is needed. A lot of it isn’t. Some is good, but most of it is bad; chalked up to pride, ego, and other people’s opinions of our lives.
My friend loves me uncondionally, and would have Addy as well; it wasn’t enough. Now I have to see if my heart will allow this one to be enough. Maybe this time I have less anger and have started to see things as is and not as was, thanks to said friend. Only time will tell.
Time has taught me this. I had the love of my life. I had exactly what God himself conspired for me to have. I had heaven. I had the best. I had my hand in the demolish.
I am ready for time to teach me a new lesson. Maybe that there is different, not better, but equivalent. Love, not the same kind, and not as good, but enough. That maybe the price of that kind of love is too high? Or did I just fuck it up? Can anyone have that kind of love and function properly? Will people always threaten it? I have never seen anyone who had a love like ours but my grandparents, but therein, ours was different as we parted. We reached a point where we have been apart longer than we were together.
In reality, things should be starting to fade. They haven’t. He is still the first thing I think of when I open my eyes. I just reach for someone else because I cant reach for him.
I have forgotten what his smell was like, and how his hand felt on my cheek. I don’t want to forget anymore. I want to always remember it all. Maybe it is gods price for us being foolish, to take the memories from us. I pray each night that I remember it all on my deathbed, in all of the years of my life; for he was all of the life in my years.
So for the blog I started for the adventures of he and I, I close the book now. It was an amazing journey. it was filled with all of the elements that one would find in a book that you cant put down. Like all good books, it had an end. Like all great books, it had no sequel. I hope you pick it up and re read it sometimes. It is a classic.
“every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”