Nobody has to go through this alone

Ode to health based infirtility

​Mostly I just want to be a mother. A mother with a living, breathing, hold your hand as you cross the street child.

I now have a 20% chance of re-occurring miscarriage due to losing my first pregnancy. Added to that the 13% increace that is associated with severe joint hypermobility syndrome we’re looking at 33%. Not counting the unknown variables of my other un specified health conditions which led my consultant to warn me that I may never be able to carry a baby to term.

Now admittedly they are not terrible odds, but going into a pregnancy together, knowing the heartache it can end in, and knowing that even if we get that miraculous healthy baby (yeah right), with no prematurity (like both parents, I was 9 weeks premature and my partner was 14 weeks early) and they appear to have avoided the landmine that is my genetics, (Insert incredulous laughter here) they could come to me one day and say “Mummy my hands hurt” or “Mum, my knees are really sore” and that would be it.

If they have a less severe type then their lives would be normal, however, they would be carriers and their children would be unlikely to so escape the gene trap. Or, they could risk dislocations every day and have to do hours of physio a week just to stay out of a wheelchair.

The worst thing about knowing this, is that there’s still a part of me that would do it again. I don’t know if it’s the hormones speaking but there’s a part of me screaming just one more try. Just once.

I know how selfish that is, I know how utterly, utterly unlikely I am to be someone who can just have babies.

But I can get pregnant.

And I know that. That one consultant who shrugged and said that I might struggle ever getting pregnant, when I asked what my condition would mean for me in the future was wrong; and that gives me unnecessary hope that maybe the other things were wrong too. Even though I know that the gene mutation will be carried to any children I have, it’s just how genes work.

The heart is so foolish sometimes, and the iminent arrival of a new niece/nephew isn’t helping the pull at all.

Love and support always,

Surviving Miscarriage Together x

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Published by Zoë Arnold

I am a miscarriage survivor.
My partner and I lost our baby Emmet .10.2016 and Réalta 18.7.17.
Thay are forever in our hearts. This site aims to eradicate the stigma around miscarriage and provide a support network for others facing similar trials.
View all posts by Zoë Arnold