} Ah, yes--a common problem indeed. Common, that is, among sexually} repressed weenies who ask the Mighty All-Knowing Great Infinitely Wise} And Really Not Such a Bad Guy After All (deep breath) Oracle such} random, pointless, look-at-me-I'm-sexually-repressed (Did you ever get} that feelin' like you was William Faulkner?) questions. Go ask Dan} Quayle--I'm sure he'd be more than happy to discuss this subject with} you at...uh, length.}} You owe the Oracle the steel condom you've been wearing to bed every} night.

} Hmmm... This looks rather suspiciously like an SOS. In fact, it} looks like three of them.}} The _Carpathia_ and the _Californian_ will be arriving as soon as} possible. In the meantime, use all those ice cubes for another round of} drinks. Hang in there.}} You owe the Oracle a copy of "A Night to Remember" as soon as you're} done in the lifeboats.

} speaking( you, prolog ).} speaks( oracle, prolog ).} understand( oracle, you ).}} replying( oracle, english ).} replying( oracle, prolog ).}} can_help( oracle, you).} ask( you, Question ).}} are_welcome( you ).} owe( oracle, you, 0 ).} -----} Rest assured faithful disciple, the Oracle understands you! The Oracle} is fluent in all know languages; prolog presents no difficulties and in} fact is a pleasant change from the inconsistencies of English! The} Oracle has included Answers in both prolog and English for your} convenience, should you be so fortunate as to understand ONLY prolog by} the time this reply reaches you.}} And yes my child, the Oracle CAN help you! The Oracle is a being of} great compassion and sympathy! You have but to ask a question, any} question no matter how trivial-seeming it may be. Ask me! I WILL help} you!}} You are emphatically welcome; you do not owe the Oracle anything.

} The best way to get women is rather complicated. You will require the} following: A glass, a pair of binoculars, a boring book, a sign saying} "Elefant", and a pair of tweezers. Put the book someplace where women} are likely to pass, say the clothing department in a mall, and wait} nearby. When a woman passes by, she will see the misspelled sign and} laugh, then she will read the book. She will then get so bored that she} will fall asleep. Look at her through the binoculars backwards. Pick} her up carefully with the tweezers and put her in the glass. That is} the best way to catch a woman.}} Once you have gotten the woman, take her out bowling. (If you find this} a logical thing to do, the Oracle worries for you.}} You owe the Oracle a pair of binoculars. .

} Congratulations! As the 50,000 Disciple of the All-Knowing Oracle to} ask this question, you have indeed won Mel Gibson for thy very own! Thy} wish is granted, Mortal!}} To collect thy prize and to fulfill contractual obligations to Mr.} Gibson, you must:}} 1. Submit an affidavit stating that thou has not won any similar} All-Knowing Oracle Celebrity Give-away Contests in the past three} years.}} 2. Be a red-blooded healthy female, aged not more than 35 years old,} and in satisfactory physical condition. Mr. Gibson requests} detailed physical specifications be sent him directly.}} 3. Prove that thy possess above-average motivation and creativity.} Obviously this last requirement cannot by its very nature be} precisely defined. Suggestions include: steal Mr. Gibso's car} and pretend to be his wife, break into his house and fix him} dinner, and kidnap him.}} Once again, the All-Knowing Oracle congratulates you!}} You owe the Oracle, Maker of Matches, a magnetic monopole.

} What an enlightened question! The oracle rarely sees questions that} are both so relevant and showing so much inquisitiveness about the} world.}} Twinkies are made, first, in special machines which bake the cake part} while holding the space open for the filling (made from a long list of} artificial gook and whipped into a froth). After the cake part is} ready, special nozzles are inserted into the cake and the gooey mess is} pumped inside with a distinct throbbing movement of the pump.}} You owe the Oracle another trip to the twinkie factory.

> Oracle Most Wise I have become addicted to asking and receiving answers> from the Allknowing Oracle. Does this make me a dope addict! Should I> enroll in one of the helpful programs available on TV that costs at> least half of my life's earnings? .

} O my Devoted Disciple!} What lies of the Media have corrupted thy mind?!} It is not addiction that thy feel, but Joy!} Joy of a Mind at last} opened to the Truth and Beauty of the All-Knowing Oracle!} Source of All Truth and Enlightenment!} Too long has thy Mind} stagnated in the cesspool of Passive Entertainment!} Only through the Miraculous Oracle} can thy experience Oneness with the True Reality!} It it not addiction} but Love that thy feel!} Love of Knowledge!} Love of Truth!} Love of Beauty!} and above all Love of the Oracle!}} You owe the Miraculous Oracle a Question!

> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd> manner. First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and> has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change> this. Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and> i'm beginning to get worried. Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell> me something?

} Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish.} It is just one of those phases in its life cycle. The next phase is} called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to} the surface. During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger.} The water will become slightly murky. You may even discover a} population of insects and minute organisms in the water. Eventually,} the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely. It's at this point} that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped} onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to} reduce. You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy} as much as I do.}} By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go} directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.