An In-Depth Analysis Of Harry Styles’ Hairy Styles

2. “The Newb”

Our story begins with little Harry, at the ripe age of 16. Or not-ripe age. Unripe age? Either way, this is where the story begins, so grab your hat and get on board. This hairstyle represents the young, innocent boy that Harry was at the time. He probably rolled out of his twin-size bed, ate a Chewy bar, threw on a ~cool~ skinny tie and walked out of the door without even utilizing a reflective surface. It was the hair that made everyone fall in love with his floppy-headed self. IT WAS THE HAIR THAT WOULD DEFINE HIM.

3. “The Fan”

Similar to the above style, this unkempt hair made Vidal Sassoon roll over in his grave. It was like someone dumped glue in his hair, put a fan next to him, turned it to the right and let it blow. The intense force of the fan blew the glue all the way to the right, and thus we ended up with the lopsided ‘do that defied physics. When the glue dried, this hair was rock solid, not to be touched for weeks or centuries.

4. “The Back Fan”

Like “The Fan” above, this hairstyle also included the use of some kind of wind machine, except this time it was placed directly behind him, causing the hair to lurch forward and form a frame around his face. Harry lost almost all peripheral version during this time.

5. “The Toad”

The fourth hairstyle we will be looking at today is this literal helmet that Harry sported in 2010. Like, this is not real hair, but in fact a piece of protective equipment that is cushioned by hair, with hair adhered to the shell of the hairmet, and also it’s shaped like a mushroom.

6. “The Mysterious Lump”

It was likely that at the time of this hairstyle, Harry was hiding a human baby, who was actually living a nice life, under the right side of his head, which caused the giant hair goiter we are all witnessing here. It’s not likely, but it is POSSIBLE that he also had a hair cyst, which to my knowledge is a ball of hair that gets bigger and bigger until you shower and/or purchase a brush.

7. “The What the Actual Fuck”

What the actual fuck though, seriously. I love you, Harry, but this hair makes as much sense as wraps (why not just eat a normal sandwich with REAL BREAD?). I digress because we aren’t here to talk smack, we are here to dissect the physicality of his locks. AH, but this is where the problem arises because this hair is a PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY. There is a mega-bang that is just pasted onto his forehead all sideways and stuff, and then there is a giant curl sprouting from the end like it grew out of the uni-bang and is just like, “Hi, I’m here, notice me.”

8. “The Runaway”

This is about the time that Harry’s hair was like, “HARRY, WHATRYUDOING?” So it attempted to pack its bags and jump ship. But since hair doesn’t have legs, it couldn’t go very far, and instead it ended up just mostly flying to the right and feeling the warm breeze through its strands. It was a difficult time for everyone involved, and even this post is maybe too soon to discuss it.

9. “The Bang-less”

At some point when no one was looking, Harry walked into a drugstore, bought a bottle of hair product, hid it up his shirt, and waited until he was alone in his bathroom to take it out of his shirt, lather it on his hands, and then run those product-lathered hands through his hair. What happened next was that his bangs DIED (RIP), and what took their place (#NEVERFORGET) became a fluffed mini-coif. It was the first time that anyone had seen Harry’s forehead in full. It was momentous.

10. “The Upright”

The new hair was different. It took some getting used to. It was still a floppy, disheveled ‘do, but it had more maturity. It was wild, yet tame. It was done, but not overcooked. It was full of volume yet not too teased. Gone were the days of the helmet, and in were the days of hairs that stood up with their backs straight and their boobs out. It was a new dawn, a new day, a new life, and he was feeling good.

12. “The Invisible Walls”

(continued) …while the sides of the hair were hugging his scalp more than ever before. It was like Harry was trapped between two walls that were getting closer and closer together, pushing the hair that was on the side of his head into his scalp and flattening the areas like he had just somehow slept all night on BOTH sides of his head.

13. “The Unwritten Chapter”

This is where we conclude, with the most recent hair displayed in the above photo. It has formed into a group of strands unsure where their place in this world is. Do they curl? Do they straighten? Do they face right? Or do they swing left? Do they glob into his scalp or try to be free? It’s a story that isn’t done being told. But for now, it will end.