Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Today we had a speaker. Dr William Tan. Now that is what I call inspiration, courage, humour, humility all in one. A most interesting talk ever for assembly. The kids were well behaved, for once ... and they too enjoyed the talk.

You don't ever feel sorry for people like him. You can only admire. I had never listened to such a speaker before, certainly no one like him was ever invited to previous school. I'm really impressed and glad that we have that for our kids here. It makes assembly talks all so much more interesting and meaningful.

If only I had known he would be so long-winded, I would have taken my lunch first. Darn. Still ... funnily enough, no bad thoughts about it. heh heh, except my stomach growled.

How different things are. Some better, some worse. Oh well.

There had been some thoughts swirling in my head but they floated away before I had captured them down. Sometimes I wish I am more proficient in writing but what do I know? *sigh*

In the end, it's hard to be able to express what exactly I felt and thought at that time. The mood is different too.

*****Virtues. Perhaps that is what is lacking nowadays. Hardwork, humility, simplicity, courage. To work hard to achieve your personal dreams. In spite of adversity. To have the courage to go when no one believed. To have faith, and to put in one's mind and heart into it.

It's easy for me to sit here and think about it. And all I ever felt is half-heartedness. Even anger to rant dissipated after a night's sleep, because it would just be a rant and not something I would have felt strongly to fight for a change for it. You just feel tired, and tell yourself nevermind. To quit and not able to find the will or the energy to complete the passion or anger you had at that point. It becomes mundane. And you lose interest, and energy ... and the effort to make things work. A downward spiral.

Perhaps it all depends on what priorities are in your hand, and simply to make those things which you treasure and important worthwhile. Would that be enough? Would that be all that matters?

*****It's getting easier to throw nasty sarcastic remarks nowadays. You just can't help yourself, and trust me, one day perhaps I will swear as well. As it is, the words form in my head, taunting me to spit and scream at them, full of malice and evil intent. To burn them all alive at the stake, and to dig out their eyes and wipe their stupid smirk off their faces. It's so simple to go into abuse. A loud satisfying sound of a slap against their oh so chubby cheeks. To tame the monsters they have become, of rudeness and defiance and rebelness. To become a monster yourself and bask in the glory of subduing them.

I need a break. Oh when are the hols?

Sanity comes back when the day ends and you are let out of your cage.

I wonder what happened to them. Why did things all turn out like this? You look at their faces, stuborness set in the eyes, defiant and restless. Anger and unhappiness they faced. You can't talk sense to them, nor plead with them. You look into their empty stupid faces, and you just wonder what goes on in their heads. How different, oh how so very different.

I'm so tired.

And there is the fear that if you do not do it properly, they would also be like that.

Why do people all grow up so differently?

One who struggles so despite being inconvenienced, who lived life to the fullness, humble and human and happy. Others who seemingly have it all, yet lived in immaturity and anger. And yet others who end up destroying and killing who believed in ideals so strangely different that they are willing to sacrifice, no destroy themselves in the process of destruction.

The world is so complicated when you start to learn to watch. How nice it was not to know anything.

*****I went back to yoga and downgraded myself to the beginner's class. But after talking to my teacher, I am feeling more confident to go back to her general class. heh. Will have to try to complete housework by Saturday! Motivation!! Inspiration!!! Do not clean house on Sunday. That's basically it actually. hahaha.

Darn, she was so kind to her students for beginner's class. Every other pose do already also can rest. Wah lao eh.