just like Moby Dick, but shorter and less whale-oriented.

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The Greatest Story You Will Never Hear

I have a great story today. It is one of the funniest things I have ever had to write about in my lifetime, possibly the best story I will ever have to write about. You would not believe the guffaws or the chuckles, not to mention roaring and the whooping this would cause. Every time I even thought about it today, I would have a fit of giggles. Believe me, I am not prone to giggle fits, so that should tell you something.

Unfortunately, I cannot tell you this story. It will not happen.

It is really a fantastic story. The reasons I cannot tell this particular story are twofold. First, the beginning of the story sounds like I am bragging about myself. There is no possible way to start this story without coming across as a person who has strong feelings of superiority. Now, I of course do not have these feelings. I am nothing if not humble. I would go as far as to say I am the single most humble human being on the planet. If they gave away trophies for humility, I would always win them, then I would stash them away in a closet. I do not want to be one of those people who puts his humility awards out on his mantle just to rub it in the face of all of those less humble people around him.

Secondly, I cannot tell the story because right after I sound like I am bragging about what a fantastic human being I am, I would immediately sound like I was making fun of someone who is less fortunate than myself. So, to wrap up the reasons, I would sound like a jerk, then I would probably be a jerk. I would never want to be a jerk, so that is why this terrific story is staying under wraps.

So… hmmm…

I thought about writing a different story about how I stepped on my dog’s bone while barefoot and proceeded to berate my dog for not picking up her toys, but after the other story that seems like kid stuff. It probably would have been very dramatic about how my foot felt and compare it to a terrible debilitating injury. It probably would have been a very cute bit of text.

Maybe there is a way to work around the details. That way there is no way to make myself look bad.

Okay, so I was going to do… a thing… yesterday. I met… this guy… you know, doing a thing and he told me all about… this other… stuff. Then we got started talking and…

Call me crazy, but I do not think this is working.

Maybe I should have just kept it to myself. There are some stories in life that are meant to be kept private and not shared with everyone you meet. This, I guess, will be one of them. One very funny story that I can never, under any circumstances, tell you.

Just know that you are really missing out. I seriously cannot stop giggling.

It is really embarrassing.

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I find it amusing how you seem to purposefully use irony to entertain us, in this post. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this; it put a smile on my face this morning. Your playfully facetious tone of voice creates that amusing sense of irony and draws us in; It makes me want to hear the story so maybe you could dedicate another post to that story.