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Author
Topic: Trying to be strong when all i want to do is cry. (Read 13417 times)

My husband went to the ER on the 23rd of Dec. and was Dx: with IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome and was giving bentyl and sent home ; he then followed up with his PCP whom was on vacation and sent him to another doctor and both Doctors said it was IBS and they kept him on bentyl and it has caused his liver to shut down and he has been in the hospital and now has been DX: with liver failure; which really sucks, I've prayed about this and put it in God's Hands but this is just to weird . for i always thought i would die first and now being faced with just the opposite i don't know how to react, I became at peace with my death but the death of my husband, I'm not at peace with this. It's actually quite disturbing . i love my husband and i know that everything happens for a reason. i just don't understand why two doctors whom were told that he had hepC and took treatment and his VL has been undetectable for two years put him on meds that wasn't liver safe they were told about his liver and never once did they check it until i took him back to the ER and demanded that some one do something but now maybe a little too late. I cried for about a good hour today and pulled my self together and went back in and sat with my husband, I'm so tired and i can't sleep, i haven't slept alone in yrs, my sister is coming over to sleep in the bed just so i can get some sleep. i got three beautiful girls whom i have to get off to school and then go back to the hospital again and do it all over again tomorrow. Our Pastor came by the hospital and prayed with me, and it made me feel better. I wish i knew what tomorrow holds, i know I'm rambling, but thank-god for the xanax. I'm trying to be strong for my family, my husband. Just say a little prayer for my husband.thanks for being here for me to vent.Paulette

Thanks to all for all the prayers and kind words. You Ladies are truly great! Well they figured out why his Liver is failing; He was Dx: with Liver Cancer and it has already spread to his spine and we will know more on Tuesday or Wednesday of this week. My husband seems to be at peace with everything going on, he says "if it's my times to go home then I'm ready" i think he's more at peace with it than i am. But I remain strong and hopeful for his and the girls sake. I got him a prayer cloth from church this morning; It can't hurt. I'm a firm believer in the power of prayers. I prayed for God to take his HepC and after treatment it still remains undetectable for almost three years now even with this liver cancer. Me my Numbers are great 824 and still undetectable my self. well I just wanted to give you ladies an update and to say thank-you.Paulette

You have my prayers and sympathies at this very trying time in you and your family's life. I hope your husband is able to remain as pain-free as possible with medication etc. Hey, I believe in the power of prayer also. You're absolutely right, it can't hurt. I'm glad to read that your numbers are so good. Maybe that will help your strength during this time. Anytime you need us, we're here.

Peace-Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

The hardest thing a person can do is watch someone they love so much be in that situation. It makes a person feel so helpless... and lost. I watched my first husband struggle in the hospital. It was over whelming. You are in my thoughts so much, I hope all the best for you and your family. sunshine

I am so sorry to read about all of this. You are your husband's angel. Your situation hits home with me on a few levels. I know how exhausted you must be. Take a deep breath, make sure you eat and know that I am praying for you today.

Just a quick update; they sent my husband home with morphine of course and he has a hospital bed , he's already taking 2 rounds of radiation for his spine;12 more to go. he's sleeping right now, resting up for his treatment in the morning. The doctor said it could be as little as 2wks to 2mths who knows? He still doesn't want his family to know(which i already told them the truth about whats going) but he doesn't know that and they are just thankful that i told them. i felt they had right to know. he would be furious with me if he knew i told them; but his family respects the fact that he wants to keep it from them so they act like they don't know. which i don't know if that's a good thing are not. I've become so numb; I love my husband and I'm doing all i can for him, but i get so mad he won't eat, and the only times he gets up is to go the bathroom , i think they have him on too much pain meds. his stomach is swollen and he is having nose bleeds. he has become mean and angry toward me, which hurts; the doctor told me not to take it personally. which I'm not, but it still hurts. he is refusing to talk about it. anyways I'm staying strong.love to allPaulette

Paulette, you and your family are in my continuing prayers. I am so sorry to hear all this. No, don't take your husband's anger personally. I'm sure he's angry because of what's going on. And sometimes Morphine can make people pretty nasty. I hope you find some comfort knowing we're thinking of you. Hang in there kiddo.Peace-Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I don't quite know what to say, just want to express that I care and am so sadenned by this. Please know you & your family are in my heart and prayers. What Betty said, your hubby is probabaly doesn't know what he's saying. Please stay strong, your strength is admirable,

Big hug,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

I know you don't know me, but I have been a member here for awhile now....but I just wanted you to do some research on Sea Kelp, also know as Limu Moui....I take it everyday, 2 oz, its an all natural with mega minerals in a "functional beverage". It is amazing for the immune system and I just think it would benefit your husband...and for you as it combats stress....the health benefits are endless. And the Fucoidan in Limu is the secret weapon against disease...Don't just rely on the drugs and treatments he is taking. The polyphenols in Limu protects us from disease...if you need more info, just let me know. God Bless You both.

A few mins til eight o'clock this evening my Husband passed a way and now i'm alone feeling numb, in some ways i'm looking at this as a blessing because he was just dx: with stage four liver cancer not even a month ago. because he didn't suffer the way some do. but my husband is gone and they won't let me see him til sunday and it's just not fair. This is a man that was able to look at me for who i was and not what i had (hiv) and now he gone. I was sitting by his side holding his hand as he took his last breath, he went peaceful. i"ve been so use to taking care of him now i feel lost. he was a wonderful man, he was always by my side every year at the local aids walk, i'm going to miss him very much, i already do. Even in death he was so strong and courageous, now i know he's in heaven looking down on me, but i wish he was beside me instead. i know it sounds selfish but i wasn't ready for him to go. now i'm trying to find some peace of my own i guess the viewing won't be til this sunday, and services will be this monday. apart of me has died and my heart died with this man, he gave me so much. i just want feel his arms around me or even just his hand in mine. now what? i just wish i would wake up and this would be a bad dream and he would still be here.

You have my deepest condolences on the passing of your husband. I know what it is like to lose someone to cancer, it happened twice. I know you are hurting right now but try to be strong. Know your husband is still there with you in spirit and will always be with you because you carry him in your heart. I will be thinking of you and praying for you as well.

Oh Paulette, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my first husband in 1989. Please take peace in knowing that he will always be with you, as Queen said, always in your heart. You can always hold onto the dear memories the two of you shared. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.Peace~Betty

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I just wanted to send my deepest condolences to you, your girls and your husband's family at the loss of your husband. There are no words that will make this time any easier but I hope you will take comfort in the knowledge that many of us are thinking of you at this time and keeping you all in our prayers.

It is not at all selfish to say you were not ready to let him go; that is just a reflection of the love you must have both had for each other.

I am a firm believer that our loved ones can continue to be a presence in our lives even after death so continue to 'talk' to him and encourage others to share their thoughts and feelings about him too, that way you may well 'feel' him close to you again.

"I'm not keen on the idea of the afterlife - not without knowing who else will be there and what the entertainment will be. Personally I'd rather just take a rest." Oscar Berger, PWA: Looking AIDS in the Face, 1996. RIP.

I am so saddened to hear of your husband's passing. It happened so quickly that you are left numb with disbelief, on the other hand he didn't suffer. I know how confusing this must be. I lost my husband to AIDS in '96. It was 11 long months of taking care of him, knowing what the inevitable outcome would be.

This will certainly take a lot of time to sink in, and you'll feel many mixed emotions along the way. Take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Most importantly, ask others for help, even though it can be the hardest thing to do.

A few mins til eight o'clock this evening my Husband passed a way and now i'm alone feeling numb, in some ways i'm looking at this as a blessing because he was just dx: with stage four liver cancer not even a month ago. because he didn't suffer the way some do. but my husband is gone and they won't let me see him til sunday and it's just not fair. This is a man that was able to look at me for who i was and not what i had (hiv) and now he gone. I was sitting by his side holding his hand as he took his last breath, he went peaceful. i"ve been so use to taking care of him now i feel lost. he was a wonderful man, he was always by my side every year at the local aids walk, i'm going to miss him very much, i already do. Even in death he was so strong and courageous, now i know he's in heaven looking down on me, but i wish he was beside me instead. i know it sounds selfish but i wasn't ready for him to go. now i'm trying to find some peace of my own i guess the viewing won't be til this sunday, and services will be this monday. apart of me has died and my heart died with this man, he gave me so much. i just want feel his arms around me or even just his hand in mine. now what? i just wish i would wake up and this would be a bad dream and he would still be here.

Saying I'm sorry for your loss doesn't seem to be adequate. My husband passed away in 2001. Its difficult, its confusing and its painful but you will find yourself eventually and begin to enjoy things you feel you have lost. Let yourself grieve and don't let anyone tell you how long you should grieve for.

I want to thank all of you wonderful ladies for your prayers and kind words during my time of need. Well it's all over but the cremation; I'm going with him in the morning to be there for him , i know that may sound weird, but we made a promise to each other about this, so i must live up to my promise, for i know he would have; i didn't just lose my husband, i lost my lover, my friend, and the world lost one hell of a man. I miss him so much and I'm feeling so much pain at this moment. My husband was loved by many friends/family. Sunday we all wore our Harley Davidson shirt and jeans in honor of him, ( we have a 2000 wide glide with fatboy front end, and chromed out custom built Harley) we rode all the time. I bet he was looking down from Heaven and smiling and loved it. and today his service was great, our pastor really knew my husband and the music was great. my husband looked so good , like he was a sleep. i know that he is in a better place but i really wish he was here with me. I'm having a hard time sleeping and eating which i know he wouldn't want that, because he was always worried about me taking care of my self. I'm trying really hard. They say time heals all wounds, but i don't about this one. my Church had dinner ready for the family to eat at our church. the food was good, but i couldn't stop vomitting. my nerves i guess or maybe stress. i still can't believe that I'm a widow now. i know he's not suffering, but now i am. i just want him back. i do thank you all for caring so much, it really means a lot right now, because i feel so alone and empty. I still need to stay strong for my girls. and I'm trying really hard , because i know that's what my husband would have wanted. but it's hard. hopefully in time it will get easier.Thanks againPaulette

Harley people, eh? I knew instantly there was something I liked about you!

I know it seems like you will never get over this; and while things won't ever be the same, they will get better. Trust me. You have to give yourself plenty of time and take extra special care of yourself. My parents were married for 58 years and last August, my mum died. My dad is sometimes like a lost child; I can't even imagine. Yes, your husband is in a better place, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference, does it? I pray for you every day, sweetie. I hope you're getting all the support you need there. Know we are always here for you.Peace~BettyP.S. Check out the Living With forum. There's a whole thread dedicated to you over there.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow