I needed a place to vent and collect my thoughts. I still don't really have much of a direction with this. Right now its more or less a journal.

Friday, April 22, 2016

As many times as I've been hurt in the past, you would think that I would
have learned my lesson, right? Well...I have always been a firm believer in
second chances, so I decided to give my new fella a second chance.

And honestly, I've heard about people who have given cheaters another
chance and their relationship was stronger than before and I never understood
how that was possible. Given what I've gone through with my ex husband and the
feelings toward that whole situation, I just couldn't see how someone could say
their relationship was better. I do now. I get it. I don't know how to explain
it, but I do understand now. We are closer. He hasn't lost my trust. Of course
no one is happy with my decision to get back together with him.

So, here I am...giving this thing another shot.

I got a call on Tuesday while I was at Lilly's game saying that an
ambulance had been called to come get Zach from his fathers house because he
wrecked a 4-wheeler. Long story short, Zach got 15 stitches all together, his
father got chewed out, and I bawled like a little baby. Zach is fine. He won't
look at his stitches though and as a boy who likes to show off his boo boos, it
is a bit unusual. My fella even insisted on going to the hospital with me. He
stayed there the entire 7 hours it took for Zach to get fixed up and discharged
and he even shook my ex's hand when we left. The stitches have to stay in for 2
weeks and changing the bandages is like pulling teeth, but Zach is a trooper.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

One of the worst feelings in the world is having your heart broken. After
my divorce, I ran into this awesome and kind guy. After everything I had went
through in my failed marriage, I really needed this. He made me feel special. He
made me feel loved. We were great together. We talked all day every day and saw
each other often. I fell hard and fast for him and we were planning our future
together.

That is until he admitted to cheating on me just one week ago. After
knowing everything I had been through in the past and even telling him that its
the one thing I will not tolerate, he goes and does it. He thought that he did a
good thing by telling me, and I'm happy he did. It gave me the opportunity to
end it before I got in too deep and it happened again. He swears that it won't,
but after one time of being betrayed, I just can't be sure and I have to be
careful.

I've cried for 2 days straight and haven't slept worth a shit. I'm really
missing him today. My heart feels so heavy. Part of me wants to give him another
chance, but I know I can't do that. I will forever have trust issues with him
and you can't build a relationship like that.

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep getting in this situation? I'm hurting
more today than I think I was when he told me. Its just hard. I hate this
feeling with a passion. Once again I don't feel like I'm not good enough. I keep
trying to tell myself that no man is worth this. I'm worth more than this. I
deserve more than this. I keep saying it, but I have yet to believe it.