The Admiral Benbow pub was forced to close last night after suffering structural damage during a riot which started when the landlord tried to enforce a smoking ban.

Though the smoking ban in England does not commence until the 1st July, the landlord decided to test public opinion when he politely asked his customers to cease smoking their tobacco.

The landlord's funeral takes place at Portsmouth Crematorium today, all smokers are welcome.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Black Bart sunk to new lows of pettyness today when he PM'd a mate instead of usin his Semaphore. "AARRRRR, I needs ta cut costs" said Bart " I has ta find a cronan to get into the quiz night at t'Admiral Benbow!

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

It be a weird thing but the two most talked about people on the Pirate board, namely Capn Cronan and Taichi, never post. Cronan came on to post himself only once or twice and we all know what appened to Taichi...although I think he'd be welcome back now.

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

The Pirate formally known as Taichi was found semi-conscious in a Portsmouth Street after receiving a beating from unknown assailants.

Portsmouth Police are waiting to interview Taichi to see if he can identify his attackers. At the moment his words are slurred and indecipherable though as one officer pointed out he didn't make much sense when he was fully conscious.

A witness who refused to be identify himself was heard to say "Dee Dee always gets her man, you don't cross her an git away with it"

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

If'n it is whut it sounds loike, it moight just be a smidgen more poiratey than a pictchewer of a fish supper....

Foine work there, matey.

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It was a grand occasion at Portsmouth Cathedral when Dave L Bucaneer, Scoundrel and Local Drunkard married his long term wench the lovely Pirgella.

Pirgella was resplendent in a red satin gown that fortunatly masked the blood stains from one of the invited guests who had made the mistake of telling her she was lovely. Dave L's cutlass all sharp and polished claimed its first victim of a busy day.

Even Dave L had brushed himself up, his hat was on straight, he'd washed his beard and polished his hook. Whereas Pirgella had shaved her legs with a ladies razor Dave L used a plane to smooth out the lumps in his wooden leg.

The service was briefly interupted when a group of gatecrashers tried to force their way in by blowing a hole in the side of the cathedral with musket fire, however they were no match for the best man 'The Black Spot' who with his gang of unruly swabs charged at them with hammers, pickaxes and rocks leaving a pile of bodies on the cathedral steps.

The speeches were mercifully short The Black Spot said "I never liked ye much but as ye are paying for me ale then I'll mek an excepion for t'day"

The happy couple have not announced any honeymoon plans but as Dave L is wanted for the serious crimes of Piracy, Murder, doing unspeakable things with Cabin Boys and for smoking in the Admiral Benbow he was smuggled out of Portsmouth by his crew shortly after the reception finished. Shortly after Dave L had left then Pirgella was observed sneaking out of a side entrance arm in arm with a drunk and lecherous Black Bart.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Our reporter at the recent wedding ceremony of Dave L & Pirgella picked up on a rumour that infamous pirate 'Walktheplank' is actually Cilla Black in disguise. The rumours seemed to be substantiated by the fact that Walktheplank had acted as match maker for the happy couple, and that he was present at the wedding resplendant in a beautiful new wig designed by Sir Vivianne Westhamwood.

Here's wishing the happy couple a "Lorra Lorra luck."

The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.

yarr that is a vicious and unfounded rumour I do not look like Cilla Black and I don't know any of her songs.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.