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Saturday, May 22, 2010

I sadly returned my last Netflix copy of "Long Way Down", the second documentary from Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman. This was following the boys from Scotland to Cape Town South Africa. AMAZING! The people they encountered were incredible except for the dudes with the stick on a North African freeway, they weren't anyone I'd want to meet. Loved the donkey's everywhere though, I love donkeys, really. But my question is "NOW what am I going to do? Whom can I live vicariously through?"

Needless to say I loved it. The cursing was a little better, meaning less. I would so love to watch a edited version with my kids, but not edited as far as length and material just beep the cursing is all. They could learn so much, like how spoiled they are, and how precious that food is, and how all children need the same things....Love, warmth, food, and water. I loved how they went to places to talk with children effected by Aids/HIV, talked with the child soldiers, and visited other UNICEF operated centers. It really takes courage to hear things you'd rather not hear about, to see things you'd rather not see. But what those two men did is bring the plight of the babies and children to the front. (There's nothing like a man that cares about others, nothing that does IT for a gal). If you feel compelled to help visit http://www.UNICEF.org - a little can have profound effect.

My favorite scenes are when Charley started lighting his farts or rather tried to, this confirmed my belief- men are basically the same, even on different sides of this bouncing ball we live on. The other is when Ewan is describing the man they asked for directions, loved the lyrical sound and hand movements, HILARIOUS.

One area that bothered me just a little was when Ewan's wife joined him. Painfully noted was Charley's wife not there, (hey I have an idea for the next one!) I don't have a problem with women doing these things in fact more power to you wild girls. It is just why did she have to go on "this" trip? Why not another with him alone? Why can't the women go and do something like that without the men? We really can venture out without men can't we? Look I love that husbands and wives like to be with each other, but we have to have some time with our friends without the spouse present. My sister told me one time that I should learn to golf, I could golf with my husband. I was mystified... would he want me to go? I asked him, "Tell me honestly, do you want me to go golfing with you? Do you want me to join you and your buddies when you golf?" He gave me a pained look with a half ass smile, "sure", I laughed and asked him again, "Hell no!". Now should I be angry? Hell no! Do I want my husband tagging along when I go scrapbooking? Shoe shopping? Getting my hair done? Do I want him going to lunch with me and the girls? The answer is, and I will do my best Southern Californian girl accent "OHHH HaaaaELL No".

The bonding between husband and wife is all good but Geez he enjoys farting in public and blaming it on other people. He watches golf on the tv....on TV! Seriously! I have my interests and he has his, I'm not that needy. However after talking with him and brother in-law, the thought of getting on a nice motorcycle and traveling sounds FABULOUS!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

As we dined at my most favorite Disneyland Resort restaurant, the Storytellers Cafe, it seemed that my secret place wasn't anymore, it was crowded and somewhat loud! But it doesn't matter in the slightest, the food is fantastic.

My favorite boy child is characteristically bouncing around, and able to cover alot of space in a very small one. He knocks his newly won stuffed Goofy onto his plate. My husband quickly grabs the toy from my son, begins wiping it off with his napkin....my lovely daughter quickly notices this and questions her father, yelling while stifling a laugh....(now it's important to note that with loud crowds there sometimes is a unexplained lull in the noise, a quiet spot in the roar. This is when she voiced her question)...
"Are YOU touching GOOFY's PENIS?"
I simultaneously covered my face with my left hand and her mouth with my right.
Is there a lesson to be learned? Possibly.... by the child rearing experts. Is it really necessary to teach them the anatomical names of their body? Are nick names really that bad....I'd have to say NO in this situation, I wonder if jaws would've dropped the same way if "wink" was used instead of penis.

Recently, it seems there have been a rash of do-it-yourself hairstyles in my "circle of trust" (the moms, and their offspring that don't usually find MY offspring scary or offensive). Strangely, in the last 6 months I've been noticing the aforementioned, skipping about with strange hair spikes, 1/2 inch bangs, or a new type of comb over. Perhaps what made me suddenly start noticing the handiwork of the little people, was the increased interest in scissors by MY offspring. I imagine these sighting were sending my brain a message to be mindful of my towels, linens, shirts, or basically anything I valued from these little destructors.

The above photographs capture the masterpiece my 7 year old male child created with manicure scissors. Sadly I didn't notice til the next afternoon, AFTER sorting the laundry and finding a clump of dark brown hair rolled up in a towel. Here is how it unfolded...

He came in crying to tell on his sister for some assault that I'm sure he had no part in inducing. "MOMMM-EEEEEEEE - Shelby hit me!"

What happened?

"I was jumping on her hand and her doll and she hit me! I didn't do nothing!"

Perhaps you shouldn't ju- what happened to your hair?(at this point I retrieve the camera-got to photograph the stupid. rules are rules)

"What?"

Your hair, it's missing in the front of your head...in a oblong shape?

"What's oblong?"

The shape of the missing hair on your-DID you cut your hair?

"I didn't do NOTHING"

Did you cut your hair? (picture 1)

"NO!" (picture 2)

Stand still....you know the rule.

"NOOOO don't talk about me on facebook! Don't make fun of me!"

It's only because I love you little man, you will make someone laugh, don't you want to brighten someone's day?

"No!"

A word to the wise, even manicure scissors can help your child destroy all you've been working for. Here endeth the lesson.

Monday, May 10, 2010

This was one of those suggestions from Netflix that kept getting shifted down in the queue. Finally I needed to expand a bit. I had expanded physically so that was checked off the list, I had to do the OTHER expanding, that of the brain. I love history, and am always curious about whom I share this planet with, so no more moving. Honestly I was a little nervous that Ewan McGregor, being the big movie star that he is, would be a complete A$s but I was pleasantly surprised that he was a very nice man with a wicked sense of humor (after the accident-check his behavior. I was impressed needless to say). Sadly I hadn't heard of Charley Boorman before, but now I know his name, I WILL be waiting to hear for it. Their humor is infectious, and leaves me wanting more.

So they decide to go on a journey- On motorbikes- Off road motorbikes - through hostile terrain. Hostile in its structure, NOT its people. While tackling this feat they visit centers that UNICEF fund, and here you will have some non funny moments....but the moments you have will be necessary.The people were absolutely incredible and CLASSIC was the dude that rode up on the horse- absolutely priceless. Another scene that still has me laughing is the spa scene.....the sounds those two make I can still hear.

This is a fascinating documentary and a extraordinary accomplishment they mastered. I was VERY sad to see it end, but saw that there is yet another ONE..."the long way DOWN". There is swearing, and sadly they both smoke-blek. There is some sad shots of a bear - which I'd like to point out Mr. McGregor took serious issue with. His feelings are the same as mine on hunting. Oh and there's some butt shots, showing us the angry mosquitoes they encountered....

If you have teenagers, or just want to expand your horizons, I think this is a wonderful way to spend time, see our neighbors, and learn that we are all essentially the same.(well except Hollywood studio execs...a few of the silicone/botox bimbo women at my gym.....that weird lady yelling at butterflies on the corner today, well.... they are in their own world).

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I was so joyous yesterday morning as I left the school parking lot.....I was going to see my dear friend Angela, she has a little shop appropriately named "Angela Skincare" in Thousand Oaks. There's nothing like an AngelaAppointment, all my girls understand the happiness of having concise plans for personal "deforestation" and really other than the strange walking pattern it is a lovely feeling to have it behind you. One Cannot put a price on taming the YETI.

On top of my hour of beauty revival I was to go scrapbooking at "Scrapbook Blessings" in Newbury Park. I had loaded all of my supplies for the day in my little mini van, and began the frantic exercise of getting out of the door on time. We've all done it, try to walk by the basket of laundry, the dishes on the table, and the toothpaste all over the sink. I firmly believe it's genetically impossible to just "leave it". So after a flurry of folding, wiping and tossing I breathed a loud sigh and began the outward exercise of leaving. I looked at my reflection to make sure I resembled a female, and partially satisfied I slipped on my flip flops, and tore out of the house. Once on the freeway I smiled with joy and began to sing songs that I didn't know the words too. Please..YOU know you've done it!

Once at Angela's,the heavenly fragrances of skincare products, and lavendar filled my head, I felt my eyelids lower in bliss as I became one with the "girl" place. Once in my room I began undressing, kicked off my shoes and it was if I heard the needle rip across the record......I had my favorite flip flops, two of my favorite pairs. You see I had one from each....in other words two DIFFERENT shoes.

Now here is where you can do one of two things... 1. You could lament about how busy you are and have no time to EVEN - CHECK - YOUR - SHOES, cry, return home, get the correct partner for one of your shoes, and risk having to clean up more crap at the house, thus destroying the rest of your day.

OR 2. Do the right thing- get your "GIRL ON", laugh at yourself and how ridiculously busy you are, deforest, tint your lashes, cover your feet the best you can and buy yourself another pair of shoes! The embarassment will turn to joy. Then tell everyone you can think of about it...your humiliation can be a bright spot for someone else!

**Apparently after posting this on my facebook page only 10% of women have actually done this and have the courage to admit it, 90% have done this and won't admit it, but I believe 90% WILL do this and you will think of me. Perhaps this 90% will take comfort in knowing that this was the second time I had done it (I was going nowhere fast on the elliptical machine at the gym when I realized, I shamefully left after I felt I wouldn't draw attention to myself.)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

As I pondered the coming summer, I chewed my fingernails...why chew my fingernails you ask? Well had you been looking in the mirror with me, at what I had to look at, well I'm glad I didn't chew my tongue off.

Drastic measures were called for and fast...Nivea Goodbye Cellulite was needed and lots of it. I plodded to the "beauty" aisle at my local Target (why in the world do "they" call it that? I've not become beautiful since discovering the aisle, in fact it should be called the SAD aisle). What joy I felt when I saw a SALE on my beloved butt creme, it was as if I heard angels sing, "Goodbye dimpled lard ass at a reasonable price", yes I hummed with them, Goodbye to my dimpled lower body, yes toot-ta-loo!

I skipped to the check out area, head happily bouncing from this shoulder to the other shoulder... but alas my happiness couldn't last. I furtively glanced around, left then right, then behind me, as I slowed to a near crawl..

What if someone saw me that I knew...naaaaa who gives a rats butt, they're all the mothers from the hood, they would ask me what aisle I found it on!

Apprehension gone, I scope out a checkstand with a woman checker, goal found, I place my tubes of gooey gold on the belt. Wait....what what what? Where did the lady go with the bad dye job? That's a man at the register! Shift change? What the hell is going on in C town? Can't she eat her lunch at 4:00 pm like the rest of us?

Yes, so my well laid plan went wonky....but it gets better, yes much better! As I get closer to the register I put my enormous sunglasses on hoping they will hide my red face. I know HIM! Yes I know him and his daughter, our children go to school together...in fact they are in the same class.

Later I prayed...."Yes Jesus I learned a lesson, NO I won't wear a ski mask the next time I go to buy my goo. No I will hold my tongue when I see the "well endowed woman" wearing lycra, doing a imitation of 2 dogs fighting under a blanket. Yes Jesus I know those could be my dogs one day without my magical goo. No Jesus, I don't like eating crow....at all, not one stinking bit".