Summary

Parent-child Relationships in
the Context of a Year of Study in a Post-High School Yeshiva Program in Israel

Dodi F. Tobin, Ph.D.

It is an accepted practice for modern Orthodox high school students to
embark upon a full year of study in a yeshiva in Israel following graduation. This practice
is supported by parents and high schools alike, who consider the experience as helping to
cement the valuing of a Torah lifestyle at this critical stage in the students’ lives. Yet,
in recent years, there appears to be some indications of a backlash, as one hears parents
expressing fears of their children becoming too religious while in Israel, and faulting the
yeshiva programs for it. In this paper, the author attempts to explain this phenomenon
through the exploration of parent-child relationships vis-à-vis a year of study in a yeshiva
in Israel.

Initially, the author reviews literature outlining normative behavior for
this young-adult population. The review addresses the drive to separate and individuate,
parental attachment and its effect upon student adjustment, parental and environmental
influences upon students’ religiosity, and the psychological manifestations of a student
who travels abroad. Based upon the literature reviewed, the author maintains that for
developmental and cultural reasons alone, students attending post-high school yeshiva
programs in Israel are bound to undergo religious changes. Further, the quality of the
student’s familial relationships have an all-pervasive effect upon the students adjustment
to the program and his/her ability to separate-individuate successfully.

Questionnaires addressing family relationships vis-à-vis the year in
Israel were distributed to yeshiva program alumni as well as a small group of male and
female students currently attending yeshivot in Israel. Personal interviews were conducted
with American parents of alumni and of current yeshiva students, as well as with American
high school guidance counselors, and educators and administrators in Israeli yeshiva
programs.

The author presents the results of the questionnaire, clarifying the
limitations of the data in terms of its generalizability. Results of the questionnaires
indicated that all students became more religious by the end of the year, and a considerable
number of students reported being more observant than their parents. Approximately one-third
of the sample had experienced or expected their readjustment to home to be difficult, yet
very few students expected their relationships with their parents to be worse after their
year in Israel. Rather, a substantial number of students expected their relationships with
their parents to improve, as a result of maturity, “Kibud Av Vaem” and appreciating their
parents more. Over half the students had left Israel to visit their parents, and a majority
of students enjoyed a visit from their parents. In general, the females in the study had
more frequent contact with their parents throughout the year than the males did. While more
males reported wishing to attend shana bet, a larger percentage of females felt their parents
would be unsupportive of that wish.

In discussing the results, the author presents several psychological and
social reasons why parents are uncomfortable with the increased observance in their
children, and specifies “Shana Bet” as a major source of conflict between parents and
children. The author discusses how to differentiate between authentic and rebellious
religiosity, dependent upon the presence of core anger in the student’s verbalizations. The
author concludes that the parent-child relationship influences all aspects of the
student’s Israel experience. The more healthy the parent-child relationship, the more
likely that the student’s religious growth will be based upon thoughtful consideration, and
the more likely shana bet issues will be worked out to the satisfaction of both parent and
child.

The author emphasizes that while many students expect to have adjustment
difficulties upon return home as a result of becoming more religious, many do not attribute
these difficulties to parental issues. On the contrary, many believe their relationships
with their parents will improve. The author concludes with recommendations to ameliorate
parent-child communication throughout the year and to ease the student’s return home. These
suggestions include informative discussion sessions for parents provided by the high schools,
and formal opportunities for parents to learn with their children while visiting Israel.
Yeshivot are encouraged to focus more thoroughly upon teaching students how to relate to
their parents, gratefully and respectfully, upon their return home. The author proposes
areas for future research.