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Not a Diary Entry, a Chronicling of my Mental Instability

Dear Reader,

I’ve sat on this post for about a week, I didn’t want my blog to become a daily diary, I wanted it to be a chronicle of my random experiences. But, as I have mentioned before when I have written a diary-esque pieces sometimes I think they are useful for me to see my daily decline. I write these pieces over the day. This one was written over a day last week during an especially stressful day at work where I was basically left to be the parent of a group of immature staff children. What follows is the deterioration of my mental wellbeing over the day. This is not a regular occurrence, as I have said earlier, recently my mental health has been rather scrambled, sometimes I’m fine other days I’m not ok at all. This was one of those days where I started out ok, but gradually got worse. I’m sure things will get easier and I won’t react like this anymore.

I’m beginning to realise I should have accepted the sick note the doctor offered me last time. I have always thought of myself as stable enough to work. But it’s days like today when I am the only member of staff that seems to be competent that I really hit rock bottom. This is the second time this has happened.

The day began with workmen replacing our counter top, the shop was supposed to open at 9 but due to incompetent workmen, one of whom stood on his phone from the minute I got there (talking about iCloud backups and not work) they didn’t finish the counter top until 930 making us open late. Then for whatever reason one of the printers wasn’t working which took a further 20 minutes to fix, the workmen knew they had fucked it up but still skulked away like naughty schoolboys.

After it was fixed I was feeling less stressed, but my mental state wasn’t exactly fantastic when I got up, I had hardly slept and I woke up not wanting to get out of bed or go to work. I knew I was going to struggle so I choked down 7 pills when I got to work. 2 fluoxetine, 2 cocodamol 2 caffeine pills and an antihistamine. Sometimes just knowing I have taken this amount of pills makes me feel better.

Today I threatened to kill myself 3 times in front of 6 people they all laughed, nobody took me seriously, nobody takes suicide seriously. I really wanted to end my life at that point and I still do now. I can’t be alone tonight I can’t trust myself with me today.

Now when I’m trying to calm down I’m having to deal with a customer who has had her purse stolen! What a fantastic day! I am not relaxing on my lunch, which means my anxiety is building. I needed this time to calm down, but now I’m more agitated. I haven’t even eaten my lunch because I haven’t had a chance.

I cancelled on my social plans for tonight, yesterday, because all I want is to be alone. When I’m telling people I’m going to kill myself and they don’t listen it really is soul-destroying. And of course with 7 pills swishing around my stomach soon to be joined by 3 more it’s probably a good job I have tomorrow off because I’m not sure I can leave home tomorrow. But, I probably should because being alone when I’m like, this is the opposite of what I should be doing and listening to my “sad” playlist on my iPod is only going to make this worse. I hate upsetting people by telling them how I feel so I generally choose not to, I don’t like letting people down, especially people who rely on me to be ok. I can’t not be ok.

I’m sorry things have been hard. I know that feeling of not knowing if you’re going to be able to get out of bed in the morning. If you ever want to talk to someone who knows exactly what’s it’s like, and won’t feed you the usual bull that people who don’t understand feed us, you can come to me. Email me: Aimeelena89@gmail.com

Hi, your blog made me feel so sad 😦 it really does upset me to see life through negative eyes. I have just started blogging and its all about how I plan to transform all of the negative areas of my life into positives. I am using some different techniques but it’s all through the law of attraction. Whilst I appreciate that not everybody believes in it, it costs nothing and it is worth a try. I would love for you to read it and see if it’s something you think you would be willing to try to help your situation.

nobody should ever laugh when someone says they want to kill themselves. Seriously, society has been desensitized in many ways. Things will improve, there is always an end to the depression, I have learned that, its a wave you just have to ride out.

Keep writing, I think writing it out helps to process your thoughts and feelings and gives a outside perspective of how you are feeling. I find that it also helps to connect us to other bloggers who might have the same or facing similar problems in their lives. I would like to see it as a lighthouse to others to open up and acknowledge our own conditions and stigma involved. Tomorrow is always a fresh page to write our life stories. I am still grasping the fact that there is something off with me, so you are not alone in this journey.

Hi, I know how you feel. I’ve been in that dark place, and it threatens to reach for me every day. I know how it is to want to be alone, and not want to be with people who don’t understand our illness. But please, stay connected, stay the course, and look up for inspiration. You are not alone. I launched my new blog just last week for exactly this purpose. Come visit, and who knows, maybe you’ll want to follow. Love and Light.

Sorry you felt like this last week. Keep writing. I’m saddened to hear people didn’t take words of suicide seriously. There is nothing funny about suicide. We are listening. We are here. Keep blogging. What you have to say is valuable.

Hello, I just want to tell you that you are stronger than you think!, The battle against life with a mental health condition is devastating everyday, I know that cause I have squizophrenia, but, believe me, there are other people going through similar situations (like me for example). Everyday I go to school and see how different people experience their lives from how I do it, for me, every single task is a very hard work because my mind is in constant chaos, and nobody seem to understand it when I tell about my disease, and that’s a big deal, but, as I tell you, some people are experiencing similar situations, a lot of them without realizing how strong they are. I hope you do.

I’m sorry people don’t take it serious. People are so uncomfortable with “mental health” junk. The more you write, the more you’re sharing with the world how it effects people. I think it’s great for you to put your days thoughts out into the world. Especially where you can look back at it and remember, I made it through this, I can make it through what’s coming next! Thanks for sharing!

Hello Elephant, your post made the hairs on my arms stand on end, and tears welled up in my eyes. I just want to reach out and hug you. I understand where you’re at. I don’t have any magic solutions, but for me writing and sharing helps a great deal. Thanks for sharing.

Wow as I read your post and all the replys all I could think was they are writing about my world. I just feel so bad for everyone, because I’ve been there and still have days that I struggle with. I am so glad we have all found this forum to reach out to each other and encourage and give each other Hope.