When D&D races go to War

Just thought I'd make rehash of an original funny comic with a D&D spin on it; so its not really OC but I'm not funny enough for that, hope you all enjoy and if not... Well tough **** you wasted your time reading it anyways
No idea who made the original but I've seen it on here before: s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/ea/...
Edit: **** never thought I'd make it this far with this ****, thanks everyone and glad you enjoyed it

**thehistorylover used "*roll picture*"****thehistorylover rolled image**... This is interesting. I wish I could watch a documentary about the science behind elves' genetics and stuff, but elves are not real.

Do dwarves have more or less testosterone than humans? And what of orcs?

I don't think they have any pictures of them with beards in the official books and I don't remember it ever being mentioned one way or the other in their lore, so no. That being said the only female dwarf I remember seeing in the D&D books is the one where they compare the height of all the different races by genders towards the beginning of 3.5's players handbook.

Wood elves tend to be stronger and more dexterous at the cost of their intelegence and constitution. They're perhaps not so much more redneck as they are more primitive, but redneck tends to get the message across just fine.

Also they tend to wear clothes that make them blend into their surroundings like camo , and they like to shoot tresspassers.

I mean, technically D&D is it's own lore, if you just take the tabletop rules and add homebrew everything, it's not D&D anymore. That's like saying your friend runs a Dark Heresy game, except with nothing from WH40k, and everything is star wars.

As someone who abuses loopholes like they're redheaded stepchildren, I approve. Playing Star Wars D20 and despite having a non-combat class, I'm a nightmare in combat just from how hard it is to do anything against me. All enemies get a -5 penalty to attacking me. If someone hits me, all allies in line of sight get a free attack as a reaction against them. If an attack or skill check against an enemy fails, I can move up to my movement speed as a reaction (aka run like a bitch). And lastly, I can use my Intelligence and/or Charisma (both 22) when determining all my defenses instead of the relevant stat.

I also gave up most of my gear since I stuck to my mace, shield and small crossbow.

That and I am a blacksmitsh who became friends with the gay blacksmith couple that met him use the forge and I made a deal with other guys to sell my beer.
At level 5 my character got a tabern just for himself as he got the gear... the DM will regret this forever

I think I got the name wrong, cobbles is meant to be a shield that pretty much gives you a medium cover and +4 armor, since I don't know how it is called in the english version I'llet you know that fighters can get a perk, again I don't know the word used in the english manual, this perk allows you to protect anyone within 5 feet of your range as a reaction, this makes all enemies have disadvantage when they attack your protected friend (how many times have I saved the bard with this I wonder).

I know, in the last dungeon I only got hit once.
The only bad thing here is that as a house rule we only level up at x moment of the story which translates into a deadly dungeon (like scrap and topheavy, but we get several levels at once).

Althought thr DM sent a pretty horrie demon after me so... I'll better save that vanyshing dust and the book that let's me travel throught dymensions!

Dang, you're already fighting demons? I'm a level 2 cleric. We just fought a spectator beholder. We killed it in one round before it even attacked because everyone rolled higher initiative and blew it away. The DM was pissed.

Nonono! I never fought it, the party went to an isnland filled with chaos wizards, we played something called the game (as we did not have cards we use the game of oca) in this game I fought death incarnated (obviuosly won), received the dust of vanyshing-invisibility and got two visions one to move the quest and the other one was the demon that guards the ancient dwaf city beneath another city in the desert where we live for now... but I got amnesia for three weeks so I can't remember jack **** and now I am a major plot point because of some x-men styled time travel which I don't get as I couldn't go to themast sesion as I was busy.

He planned everything a out the quest but he made up several side quest to make things go the way he wanted, and by side quest I mean side characters who only showed up for a brief period of time and cpnnected the events of the side quest to the main one

Ex: the monk said the city had monkeyarchy (he wanted to say dinasty in spanish but he mixed monarchy with dinasty) and the ruler of the town is a monkey now, the rouge wanted to have a kenku friend (some short of bird person) and the kenkus seem to be related to why the dwarf city is buried, they also have secret magyc. And pretty much like that with everyone's shennanigans so we don't get carried away from the main storyline (except me, all I wanted was to give my dwarf a nice life but I take ONE book from the secret city archives and it ***** the timeline, the DM sure has a subtle way to say **** you, indeed).

Had similar happen at lvl 4. Facing three bosses at once. One is occupied by a higher level villain whose boss wants him dead. One is in a duel with one of our party members. The last is taken out in two attacks due to crits. The duel was at least properly dramatic. When either did hit, they bombed on damage rolls. The first boss went down but not before forcing me to gouge out my own eye and putting a hole in my chest I only survived due to a game mechanic we'd nearly forgotten.

Cpnsider we fight encpunters pf highter levels to do this, the DM makes them sofger so we don't die, but they are pretty OP, even more if they are followed by 15 lesser enemies that make them almost unkillable (we had to kill a half snake warlock 3 times and he was covered in snakes that gave him a free hit every 2 turns... and there was some guys with 150+ hp on the same room)

Interesting house rule. Ours is that you level up at the end of a session barring two exceptions. 1) If we end a session in the middle of a mission or day, we don't level up. 2) If we go through some serious hardcore ****, we might get a level mid-session or more likely get two at the end of the session so we don't have to pause while everyone figures out what they're gonna do. My and the DM are the only ones with D20 experience, so I'm probably the only one who actually planned out their character.

Elves are always ******* complaing, sayong how they are superior to everyone, but can't be asked to do some good old footsloging. Dwarfs are a bunch of tough bastarda who will split your skill, be with a axe, be with a powder weapon, and then drink beer. Orcs are even tough, but more stupid, so okay. Demons never do ****, is always "or plans are at working", but they have being at work for eons! And humans? They will find a way to **** with you, be by attacking, be by stealing, or be by actually ******* you.

Slanted eyes, high cheekbones. Smooth skin and perfect faces. Graceful. Stronger and faster than other races. Long lives. Mystical powers. Skilled in precise, practiced combat with both swords and bows. Males and females both wear various types of robes. Meditate often. In tune with nature. Highly intelligent. Live far away from other races. Difficult to discern age. Written language has strangely shaped alphabet.