5/05/2006

A Patrick Kennedy-Inspired Right Wing Orgy:Oh, sweet orgasmic blessings of the news cycle goddesses, oh, goddamn, fuck, a Kennedy in a car accident? In DC? Where drugs and/or alcohol might be involved? Where the cops say that Kennedy was actin' funny? And perhaps he was treated differently than others who were in the same situation? And it's Ted Kennedy's son, Patrick, who is a member of Congress? Sweet Jesus, for the fine members of the right wing punditry, it's like Christmas, Easter, and Ronald Reagan's Birthday all rolled into one big package of crazy.

Upon hearing about the incident, Michelle Malkin broke the window on the box for the emergency vibrator in her house, the one that she keeps locked up for use only on special occasions like this, like a long-sequestered bottle of Dom Perignon in the back of the fridge. It's the triple-XL one, the one made of unbreakable fiberglass, studded with the bones of Sudanese children, whose femurs are extra firm but pliable after their brief years of starvation, like veal cows in reverse. Grabbin' its pull cord with all her might and crankin' that bad boy up, Malkin practically fell over herself to roughly insert it into her pulsating vagina before stammeringly typing away links to documents and suppositions. She denied herself the earth-shaking orgasm until she finished her updates, but it felt so good, all that heaving self-fucking, that she had to do it again this morning.

All over the right wing media, a great shudder of relief and release went up. Jesus Christ, between bribes with hookers, plunging poll numbers, and Donald Rumsfeld's public bitch slapping by Ray McGovern (and other protesters), it seemed as if there was nothing for conservatives to do but write defense, and everyone knows that while a good D is essential to having a shot in the big game, it's the offense that gets the crowd the big O. Goddamn, if only Patrick Kennedy had had a lover in the car who was hurt or killed, the sewers of Georgetown would have been overflowing with rivers of conservative cum.

Matt Drudge tickled his prostate joyfully as he one-handedly spewed out another of his barely-un-plagiarized demi-stories. The Hindrocket slapped his peter repeatedly with his Blackberry, desperately trying to be relevant to the discourse. Over at the National Review's Corner (motto: "We Don't Read the News So You Don't Have To, Either"), the never-ending circle jerk got brieflygiddyover Kennedy. Goddamn, how badly they want, need, crave this to become the big story.

Except that the news cycle is fickle, and while, yes, the CNNMSNBCFox briefly had Ambien-wacked out Patrick Kennedy at the top of the broadcast, the story's been lapped by things that actually seem relevant, like the pathetic jobs figures, the conservative rats leaving the USS Bush as it sinks into the muck and mire, and the possibility of peace in Darfur. This is not to mention that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the man President Bush talked about constantly as one of the most evilestest men in the known and unknown universe, a guy who would sodomize Ming the Merciless while having Attila the Hun lick his balls, doesn't even seem to know how to work a gun.

Maybe it's too hopeful to say that the mainstream media knows a Condit-like distraction when it sees it now. Because there's always the next missing white woman or David Blaine emerging from his bubble (or dying. Whatever). And certainly Greta Van Susterenenenenen will talk about Kennedy's accident for weeks, with Fox "News" and Malkin and others floggin' the story that Kennedy got "preferential treatment," never recognizing the hypocrisy in decrying whatever way Kennedy was treated while ignoring the way in which admitted drug addict Rush Limbaugh was handled like a delicate flower whose bloom would forever be slightly less glorious if he was treated like every other sad junkie.

Still, Michelle Malkin's pussy is, at least for the time being, satiated in its mad cunty desire for larger fuck toys and more horsepower. And it's the weekend, time enough for sore conservative koozes and cocks to heal to get ready to jack it again come Monday.