Pat O'Brien Thread

Okay, I'm actually meeting a friend for early drinks and then probably late-night drunkeness, so I won't be able to watch this Superbowl of Tearful Confessionals live.

Damn it all. Friends suck.

I have invited a few secret guests to guest live-blog the event for me... I won't say who. I don't even know if they'll accept. But if any of them do, hopefully they'll add a bit of filthy snark to this thread below.

CAUTION: Anyone who clicks to read the extension of this entry is just asking for trouble.

Live-blogging fun has begun. . .

As that black guy said in Superman II, "Man, this is gonna be good."

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[Dave] Hey everybody, Dave from Garfield Ridge here. Ace threw this shin-dig together at the very last moment, so I may or may not be joined by additional friendly commentators. Since Ace asked me to help out, I must conclude that he started drinking early.

Either way, alone or with others, I plan on bringing you the filthiest nasty-talk this side of the Clinton Administration.

I just hope this works. I really want it badly. I am really just so fucking hot for this to work out.

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[Dave] I'm watching what amounts to the "pre-game," Entertainment Tonight. I admit, I don't watch American Idol, but after seeing Paula Abdul, I'm waiting for her face to slide off her skull. Seriously, she used to be kinda hot; now she looks like something M.C. Skat Kat dropped.

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[Allah] I want two things from this freakshow: tears, and a photo of Betsy.

Anything less is a failure.
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[Allah] Realizing that he's not going to get anything juicy out of Pat, Dr. Phil decides to go to Plan B and just embarrass the shit out of him by making him sit there and listen to the tapes while the camera rolls.

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[Dave] Quote from Dr. Phil: â€śYouâ€™re talking about â€śLetâ€™s go get some hookers and some coke and go crazy.â€ť

Man, I need that wav file.

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[Dave] Patâ€™s sorry.

Oh well, I was kinda holding out the slim hope that heâ€™d own up to everything and say that if he had to do it all over again, he would.

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[Dave] Quote from Pat: â€śWithout trust, you are dead in this town.â€ť

You know what else you need in this town? A girl to eat out Betsy. And a Tony Montana-sized mound of Bolivian white.
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[Dave] A weekend of fun, a weekend of drinking, which turned into craziness. Now, thatâ€™s my kind of weekend. Not the kind of weekend I live, but hey, I can live through Pat.

He ties one on during Sunday afternoons. Nice!

â€śCocaine trumps everything.â€ť

"I was loaded out of my mind."

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[Dave] Wow. These poor celebrities really have a lot of drug problems. Iâ€™m so glad Iâ€™m only high on life. Well, okayâ€”High Life.

Same difference, at least in court.

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[Allah] Sorry for the momentary glitch. I don't do this for a living.

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[Allah] They're talking about the Internet now. PLAY THE MASH-UP.

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[Dave] â€śOn that particular night, I was out of control.â€ť

Dr. Phil doesnâ€™t buy that Pat was drunk. Hey Doc, some people just arenâ€™t sloppy drunks.

4 Glasses of wine, 2 bottles of champagne, a little coke. Fuck, did he forget to take the fish paralyzer?

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[Dave] Dr. Phil: â€śWhat is your opinion of women?â€ť

Pat should have said, Iâ€™m so into women, Phil. They make me so fucking hot.

Because they do.

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[Dave] A half-hour into it. . . Where the fuck is Betsy? I want to see Betsy. I want to fuck Betsy. She makes me so hot. I want to watch Betsy suck Patâ€™s cock.

For research, of course.

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[Allah] Dr. Phil wonders if this incident fatally damages Pat's professional judgment, tells Pat to just "wink or nod at me or something" if he agrees.

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[Allah] They bleeped Betsy's name when the tapes were played, so I doubt we're getting a photo. And the greasy fucker's nowhere near tears. What a debacle.

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[Allah] Credit to Dr. Phil -- he's not softballing him. He's asking him now about his alleged use of homophobic and racist slurs, which O'B denies, and his long-term drug use.

The teaser for the next clip has Pat talking about his son, so maybe we'll see a few drops after all. C'mon, bitch. Cry.

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[Dave] Yeah, this is kinda lame. The interview, not the liveblogging-- that kicks ass.

I love how Dr. Phil mentions how people are "outraged."

Bemused, sure. Curious? You bet.

But outrage? Over this? Are you kidding me? Doesn't Dr. Phil know there's a war on?

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[Dave] Wow, thanks See-Dubya, Betsy *is* hot. I am so into Besty. I wish Pat would eat her out right in front of Dr. Phil.

For ratings, of course.

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[Dave] Thatâ€™s nice, Dr. Phil spent so long tearing Pat down, I was wondering when he would ever get around to building him back up.

Because if he didnâ€™t, I think Pat was liable to go on a booze-and-coke bender and start calling up Betsy. . . RIGHT THERE IN THE STUDIO!

Sheesh. CBS knows nothing about ratings.

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[Allah] One of Pat's male producers -- who just might be gay -- is shedding sympathy tears.

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[Dave] You beat me to the punch, Allah.

Yeah, he might be gay. And I might be a bacon-eating beast of desire. You see where I'm going with this? Do you?

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[Allah] The teaser for the next segment shows Pat returning to the studio to find a big welcome-back banner that reads, "We're Fucking Crazy For You".

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[Allah] No, that last item is not true.

Looks like that's a wrap. No tears, no Betsy -- although I thought I saw a glimmer of a smile flash across Pat's face early on when Phil played him the tapes. If you're on the West Coast, watch for it. Grimace or repressed smirk? You make the call.

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[Dave] Oh well, showâ€™s over. Although they did plug Dr. Phil's show tomorrow, where Pat's supposed to talk about the horrors of withdrawal & rehab. And then give away Pontiacs.

Sorry for all the technical difficultiesâ€” you really canâ€™t have two people blogging in the same post. Ace owes you all an apology for setting up this clusterfuck. I hope his appletinis were worth it.

That said, Iâ€™d like to thank Allah, who is, as always, a gracious friend, and a benevolent God.

As for the show itself, a little disappointing, but nothing unexpected. Not enough Betsy, not enough hookers and coke, and most certainly, not enough tears.

Me, Iâ€™m hoping for a directorâ€™s cut. Or at least a decently-edited parody online.