You’re Dating Mr. Wrong If. . .

Have you ever looked back and considered what your life would be like had you tied the knot with an ex? Thought about how much you wished it worked out with him at the time—but now are thankful the relationship ended?

I have. It’s scares me to think about the guys I seriously dated & what our marriage would be like—but hindsight is always 20/20.

Who you choose to spend the rest of your life with is the second most important decision you will make in your life.

Only second to what you believe about God, eternity, & grace. I cannot emphasize enough how critical it is to tread carefully when dating & especially in serious relationships that are leading towards marriage. Marriage is hard enough without being married to the wrong person!

You’re Dating Mr. Wrong If. . .

1.)He doesn’t have the same interests you do or a similar long-term vision. Attraction will fade overtime—do you want to be living in the middle of nowhere Illinois just because you thought a farmer was hot, y’all had a song, & you’d never felt that way about anyone before? Interests and vision for the future are very key in making a marriage work! If you don’t want to be a missionary, don’t marry someone who does. If you want a big family and he doesn’t want kids–don’t get married. It seems obvious, but many couples base marriage solely on attraction.

2.) He uses the phrase “If you loved me, you would _______”.

Especially in regards to physical intimacy. Listen up! You don’t want to marry someone who puts conditions on your feelings for him & manipulates you to do what he wants. These statements are flashing red lights for trouble to come. Some examples: “If you loved me, you would sleep with me.” “If you loved me you would [insert chore].” “If you loved me, you would not need a ring to know how much I care about you.”

3.) He doesn’t have a grownup job & isn’t actively looking for one. If he has a college degree and plans on working as a barista at Starbucks for the next 10 years—unacceptable. You want a man who can lead your relationship—how will he lead your family, if he can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life?

4.) He has huge debt and spends frivolously. Money is one of the top two reasons for divorce, so you want to choose someone who has a healthy relationship with money. This topic should be brought up gently because it’s like addressing someone with an addiction: they are probably in denial. However, great discussions can come by sitting down and talking about financial goals & values.

5.) He has an unhealthy amount of baggage.

This one is tricky, because it’s not always clear. Everyone has a past. But if your boyfriend’s baggage is affecting his life every single day and dragging you down—it’s time to re-evaluate. It’s not necessarily the nature of the baggage as much as how he’s dealt with his past. You are not a savior. You cannot rescue him. Beware of these types of relationships. Danger ahead!

6.) He has a pornography addiction and isn’t actively fighting it. (Even worse: he doesn’t see it as a problem). Studies have shown that pornography is harmful to relationships—no matter how culture tries to justify it. Furthermore, any kind of strange sexual behavior (email me if there are questions) is a flashing red light. I have heard horror stories of women not telling their friends about strange sexual tendencies & it devastating them in the long run. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! Marital intimacy needs to be based on trust & not fear or intimidation.

7.) He doesn’t respect you. If he constantly pushes the boundaries with you physically, just imagine how he will treat you when you are married. You deserve respect. The Bible says your body is a temple.

8.) He doesn’t share the same faith you do. If your faith is important to you, important enough that you can’t imagine your kids not believing like you do, then don’t date someone {even casually} who doesn’t share the same faith you do. If your husband can’t understand the most important part of you—think of how this will affect your intimacy. If you are a Christian, the Bible clearly says you are not to marry someone who is not—not for punishment, but for your own good. Because you will spend marriage pulling in opposite directions.

And if you’re not a Christian, don’t date someone who is a Christian because they are a hypocrite. RUN! {I share my story here.}

9.) The majority of your good friends don’t think he’s right for you. {They usually know.} Or if you have to make excuses for him, i.e. “he’s different when we’re together”–then he’s not right for you.

10.) He angers easily, has a violent temper, you often feel like you are walking on egg shells around him. . .any of these are danger signs for what’s to come. Marriage always highlights people’s weaknesses, addictions, & flaws.

Michael will write a post later this week about “You’re Dating Mrs. Wrong If. . .” so the women will hear truth as well.

Have you dated Mr. Wrong before? Are you currently justifying a relationship? What are some other signs you’ve seen in men you could add to the list?

Comments

Oh Ruthie, how wonderfuly timed this post was! I’m currently trying to get out of a realtionship with “Mr. Wrong” but am not sure how to end it. We’ve only been dating for two months but he’s keeps pushing for a commitment and I just recently started recognizing that he’s not the right guy for me. We are both believers but have different goals in life. I hate confrontation and avoid awkward situations. So being honest and telling him how I feel is freaking me out. I would love it if you posted on how to get out of a realtionship with Mr. Wrong!

Anyways I love your blog and am so thankful you posted on this topic. It’s confirmed a lot of my thoughts on whether or not he’s right or wrong for me.

I’m glad this post was timely for you. As far as breaking up with Mr. Wrong, it is vitally important to tell him the truth & not worry about hurting his feelings. You can be honest about the “Whys”–but don’t worry if he doesn’t completely understand. Continuing to date someone because you don’t want to hurt their feelings will hurt them more in the long run. As women, it’s hard to be honest about what we want, but being married to the right man is worth all the feelings you have to hurt along the way! Don’t beat yourself up for not liking your current man–just tell him the truth and move on. Easier said than done. . .but I’ll try to write another post on the subject!

Anyone had success with breaking with with Mr. Wrong? Or a story you’d like to share?

Eye-opening.. thank you for posting this (-: I’m pretty much just a random 14 year old that came upon your blog a while ago.. I really hope this doesn’t sound ridiculous, but here goes;

I’ve done some experimenting with the dating stuff myself.. not a ton, but enough to wanna quit. Guy claims he has been ‘in love’ with me for two years, and is *dying* to be with me. I didn’t love him at the time, but I figured why not? He made me feel loved, he was very considerate of me, and was quite ‘chivalrous’, (if you will). Many close friends were cautious and warned me, but I didn’t listen. Once he claimed he would commit suicide without me, I figured I should get out.. now that I was afraid to.

Honestly, relationships me feel confined. I guess the reason I feel I need to be in one is because everyone else is. I try to convince myself differently, but there’s still the loneliness. Although I have been blessed with many friends that make very good decisions, there are some that do not. I have plenty of classmates that do the whole dating and sex thing (and try to convince me to do the same), I’m definitely uncomfortable with it. Learning from other people’s mistakes is truly how I make the right decisions, and know what and what not to do when it comes to this area..

Anyway, enough about me. Wanted to say thank you for what you do and for sharing your heart, it’s awesome! God bless and lots of love! Xx

Sierra, I am almost speechless by your comment. I’m so glad you found my blog! You are at such a critical age where your decisions will either build or destroy your future. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to wait for the right man even if all your peers are telling you to experiment with dating & sex. I’m so glad you are standing strong! God will bless your commitment to wait. He is a good Dad. The “I can’t live without you” guy–run! Those kinds of relationships are dangerous & you don’t want to get entangled with someone who is emotionally unstable. Tell a parent, a teacher, an adult–someone who you trust & who can help you if he won’t leave you alone.

Thanks for reading! What are some topics you’d like me to write about? Any particular ones geared towards high school students?

Thank you for the kind words and for the advice! You are so right about the criticalness. I start HS this Fall and I’m freaking out.. I’m always wishing time away, wishing to be older, maybe have more things figured out.. but in the end I always end up wanting that time back! I have an identical twin sister whom is nothing like me socially, and doesn’t have 1/2 the issues I have, but a lot of the time she is what keeps me sane. I can’t think of anything in-particular right now, but you seem to be good at relating to people.. so just anything you come up with is great! Thank you for asking!

I was just wondering, how do you know if he is mr. right? I am currently in a relationship and we both agree that we want to get married, but we are a little young. How can I tell that this is real and not just some fantasy?

I dated a guy for 7 years and loved him fiercely but couldn’t marry him because we didn’t share the same faith and our relationship ended painfully. I began dating a second guy who was (fiercely?) Christian and believed that because of this, he was it for me, but over time began to realise that although faith is important, it isn’t the be all and end all of what to look for in a guy. He had no respect for me and we were so close to getting married (six months to go!) and he dumped me in what was probably the best thing he had ever done for me.

My first ex and I became friends again and he shared an interest to explore the faith more and asked me to journey with him and with God’s amazing grace, he embraced Christ and we’re together now, exploring a life and a future together with Christ firmly in place in our relationship. I am so HAPPY right now despite every painful lesson I have experienced with my relationships, when we put the Lord’s will and direction first, everything else will fall into place. As it has now.

Hello. I was hoping for some advice on how to leave mr. Wrong. We have been dating for two years. I moved in with him like a week after dating… the first month was great but it has been downhill from there. I told him the other day I am mob ing out at the end of the month. At first he didn’t believe me. Then he started crying alot and getting angry saying he could change and that we are soul mates. I told him I just wannted to be 22 and enjoy life he is 33 and has a son and carries a lot of baggage. He is emotionallu unstable. He rrcently bevame sober bevause of court issues which is hreat for him and is saying if I leave he is going to fall off the wagon… I just feel bad for him and don’t know how to end it. Help

Oh goodness, Meagan. What a hard situation. I suggest talking to a counselor and getting a friend or friends to help you move out and don’t talk to him again. It’s going to be a hard breakup, but you can do it! Don’t let your sympathy keep you in a relationship you know isn’t right. He will be fine without you. And if he isn’t, that isn’t your fault.