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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

And Then I Cried

Well, I have one more week of my maternity leave. ONE WEEK. I cannot believe that we are almost done. I cannot believe he is going to be SIX WEEKS OLD tomorrow. I cannot believe that I have to go back to work. I breaks my heart every single time I think of it. It will be easier because I am only going back part time for the first two weeks. It seemed like a good idea to ease back into the work deal. It will also be easier because once I go back full time, I am changing my schedule to only work four days a week. They will be four ten hour days, but still, only four days away. I can handle that. It will also be easier because sweet Henry does not have to go to daycare just yet. We have teachers in the family (YAY!) so he gets to stay with his aunts over the rest of the summer. These things make the idea of going back to work livable. I can survive it, but it breaks my heart to think of leaving him with ANYBODY.

Still, it is under control. I am okay to go to work next Tuesday for five hours. I know he will be fine. But I realized yesterday that before I go back I need to go meet everyone at the daycare he will eventually be attending two days a week. I have had great recommendations for them. He has been on the waiting list forever. I KNOW it is a good place with good people. Still, I was going to take him over there and look around. The place was nice. It really was. I was holding up okay on the tour. Everything made since. Everyone was really sweet. Then I started to ask a few questions. "tell me about what his day will be like" and she started. It sounded good. It sounded like a perfect daycare day. But then...out of nowhere. I burst into tears. Yes I did. I BURST INTO TEARS. I know they will take care of him, but I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. He is just so tiny. I see that it will be good for him in a year or two, but for now I want to be the one that is there. I want to be the one that rocks him to sleep and helps to teach him to roll over. I want to make sure that even though he is such a good baby and so easy, that he is always held and loved and played with. I want to make sure that he never left out or ignored. I want it more than I want almost anything else in the world.

I guess the one thing I want more is to provide for him. To give him the best life we can. And because of that, I have to work. I have to take him to daycare two days a week and he will be okay there. I know they will love him and take wonderful care of him. But not like I would. Because I am his Mama. And I take care of him best. That is what breaks my heart. I want what is best for him, and I truly believe that is me. It is just hard to not give that to him, when it is what I want more than anything.

15 comments:

Hi! I have been reading your blog for a while now and just reading that post made me cry. I hated the thought of leaving my kids at daycare. I couldn't do it. I had to be the one to take care of them. So we do without a LOT of stuff so I can stay home with our 3 boys. Whatever you do will be the right choice for you, I just wanted to tell you that a one income lifestyle IS possible if you want it to be. Good luck!

Sarah- my heart hurts for you because leaving my little babies to go back to work was THE hardest thing I have ever done. No joke. I totally understand what you are feeling. I cried more about this each time than pretty much anything else. It didn't get easier even the 3rd time around to leave a tiny baby! But like you said you know it will be ok. Just keep reminding yourself of that because you are right. He will be ok. But that doesn't negate ANY of the feelings you are having. Just keep telling yourself it WILL be ok. But it is definitely normal to be this sad.

My heart break for you, Sarah! That must be so hard. I can't even leave my two-year-old in the daycare at the gym for an hour to work out. I tried working part-time, 12 hours a week, at night when my husband was home, and I only lasted two weeks. I just couldn't leave my son.

Are you really sure you can't manage on one salary for a few years? It is NEVER easy to leave them, but those first few years are so very important and formative. It would be wonderful if you could manage to stay home with him. Is there some way you could make money from home to help the budget?

He's just to cute to ever want to spend time away from him! Even though you won't be there every second, he will be in your heart and thoughts every second. It will make every second even more special when you will hold him and rock him to sleep, when you teach him to roll over and crawl, when you will still spend those precious moments watching him learn how to smile and giggle, its all going to be there. He just gets to warm a few more hearts with all his greatness! Just trying to make you feel better....hang in there kiddo.

leaving your baby at daycare is the most heartrending thing any parent can do..especially the first time. just remember, you and Nick are his parents and no matter how much time he spends with other caretakers he's always going to prefer being with the two of you. he loves you no matter what and whatever you have to do to provide for his best interests will never change that. it's pretty impossible to live on one income especially when you have a baby and you want him to have everything he wants and needs. having a gradual introduction to leaving him by having your family take care of him this summer will help and by the time you have to leave him at daycare it may not be as traumatic as you are thinking it will be thinking about it now is probably the hardest part of all since he's been with you totally since he's been born. be brave and try it a little at a time...Henry will probably be content sooner than you will with the situation but he's going to always know you are there for him and love you best. love you lots annie

I know exactly how you feel, I have 2 kids in daycare. It is so hard to leave an infant, but in a few (very) short month Henry will be able to interact with the other babies and you will see that he will enjoy the daycare experience. Is there any way you could take a longer leave?

My heart hurts for you! He is so little and I know you want to be with him all the time. There are pros and cons to all the options and I know you are doing what is best for your family. That doesn't make it easy though. I love you and I love that baby boy!

I did the same thing, I started off working part time hours beforeI went back full time. I was able to do the same. I didn't have to put my dd's into daycare until the end of the summer and it was very nice to wait. (they were both spring babies) I am a working mom and sometimes it's hard but my children have totally adjusted JUST fine. Once you get in a groove it will all be just fine.