Sass & The City: We need an Olympics for everyday people

Every four years, my busy life slows down for two weeks so that I can sit back, put my feet up and watch the Olympics.

Each time, I am moved by the strength, tenacity and spirit demonstrated by the superb teams of athletes from around the world. They overcome every challenge, every barrier and every competitive situation to go for the gold.

I can't help but think how everyday folks like us must reach down deep just to get through our normal lives.

At each and every stage of life, we must face down the challenges we encounter and rise to glory. That's why I make it a point during every Olympics to propose a new series of Olympic events for everyday people.

For example, there should be a junior division for teens. Events could include:

The Social Network Triple Jump. With laptops lined in a row, competitors see how quickly they can jump from Facebook to Words With Friends to Twitter while systematically deleting any unflattering tagged photos before their moms can spot them.

The Private School Uniform Skirt Hike. Female Olympians wait in the blocks for their parents to drive off to work, then burst into action to see how quickly they can sprint to the mirror, roll up their plaid pleated skirts to a specific mid-thigh height and get out the door to make the school bus.

For the dating set:

The Run Screaming 100-yard Dash. The faster you run, the faster you get to your car and lay rubber to get away from the Match.com date who behaves like Hannibal Lecter after a nice plate of fava beans.

For midlife women:

The 100-yard Menopause Dash. Women experiencing hot flashes jump up from a couch, run to the medicine cabinet for soy tablets, sprint to the closet for the electric fan, plug it in, turn it on, do a jackknife dive back onto the couch and stick the landing. Bonus points are awarded if these tasks can be done while competitors are on cell phones, whining to friends.

Just for midlife men:

The Beer Belly Tuck. How quickly can a team of four men suck in their beer bellies as the Private School Uniform team runs past?

Especially for seniors:

The L'Oreal Shot Put. Female competitors touch up their roots while running the track, then see how far they can heave the box before anyone sees it.