If I could ban one phrase from conversational usage, it would
be "Do you already have one?" immediately following
the opening of a gift.

Few things in this world are as humbling as being unable
to easily open a package of something which is labeled "EASY
OPEN."

I think the real moral of the Dickens classic "A Christmas
Carol" is not so much about Christmas itself, but about
the importance of being able to change your mind and even your
way of life, no matter how old you are.

Although I hate the telephone, I'll be tempted to get a cel
phone if they ever make one that works like a speakerphone and
has a gold metal flip-top (particularly if it
makes the proper clicking-chirp noise when you open the lid)

Another holiday classic, "Santa Claus is Coming to Town",
shows us the stupidity and tyranny of prohibition. When the Bergermeister
Meister Berger outlaws toys, Santa becomes a criminal. He disobeys
the unjust laws, distributing toys despite the threat of imprisonment,
eventually being forced to flee to the North Pole as a result.

Wow! They're actually building a space station! Of course,
President Reagan's "within a decade" deadline came
and went ages ago, but hey, better late than never!

Prohibition-oriented advertising routinely ignores
two truisms: 1) There's no such thing as bad publicity, and 2)
Forbidden fruit is the tastiest. So... if kids don't take the
new anti-smoking ads seriously, aren't they really just cigarette
ads?

"I believe very strongly in people's rights to live
in neighborhoods free of drugs." -- Sheriff
Robert R. Schlicher, after his deputies shot an Ohio man 8 times,
killing him in his own home during a marijuana raid in October
'98

You know they're desperate when our "leaders" attempt
to obstruct democracy by suppressing election results. When is
the government going to release the vote count on Washington
DC's Initiative 59?

I don't care what the calendar sez... to me, it's officially
winter when there's nothing left to fall.

"Let's say I committed this crime. Even
if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved
her very much, right?" -- O.J. Simpson,
Esquire magazine, Feb '98

"Triumph of the Nerds" describes late
70's home computer hobbyists as "guys with big beards who
thought a good use for their computer was controlling a model
train set."

"The Bringers of Pain and Delight" (how
the surface dwelling men describe the underground-city dwelling
women who steal Spock's Brain in what is widely regarded as the
worst episode of Classic Trek)

E-tailers (noun): Electronic Retailers. (Hey,
that's us!)

In Star Trek's classic gangster planet episode,
rival world leaders live within a short drive's distance of each
other. It's like there's only one city on the entire planet.

I hate phone rate adverts even more than I hate the phone
itself. I'm disgusted by the amount of money being spent on this
irritating, ubiquitous squabbling. I wonder, for example: how
much did it take to make George Carlin sell out?

Annual form letters included with Xmas cards are the social
equivalent of the Press Release.

"I can stay till it's time to go" - The
Beatles, (Hello, Goodbye)

According to Captain Kirk, Zefrem Cochrane (inventor of warp
drive) is from Alpha Centauri, not Earth! (This
basically destroys the premise of Star Trek: First Contact.)

Half-watch (verb): to monitor a movie
or TV show with less than full attention; to watch without really
watching; to treat the TV as a radio, droning away in the background.

"If I could change one thing, it would be to grow new
teeth at, say, age 50." - Kristin's Aunt

This new Macaroni & Cheese product from Kraft, called
Easy Mac, is great! It's a reasonable replacement for the long
gone Mug-o-Lunch.

"Then there is this most troubling sign indicating drug
use: Excessive preoccupation with social causes, race relations,
environmental issues, etc." -- How Parents
Can Help Children Live Marijuana Free, page 28.

He may be bad but
Slobodan Milosevic
has a cool name.

One luxury amenity that I'll never understand is the Bathroom
Attendant. I'm supposed to tip this guy for hanging around watching
me use the toilet?

Slogan FedEx should use: "FexEd: The next best thing
to teleportation"

It is distinctly frustrating to be among a huge crowd of
people who are openly smoking pot, and not doing so yourself.

"Basically, it killed my ambition."
-- Bette Midler, on having children

What effect, if any, would a "Congressional censure
of the President" actually have? Would it really be anything
more than an official slap on the wrist? What's the point of
that?

If money were no object, what would you feed your pets?

What's the difference, really, between a Butterfinger and
a Fifth Avenue? (UPDATE: Eeyore has an answer!)

Why was the "Hey Bulldog" sequence cut from the
film Yellow Submarine? It's great!

Great enactment of one of my daydreams in the "Suits
are Picking up the Bill" video by the Squirrel Nut Zippers:
Going into a restaurant, skipping dinner, and just ordering round
after round from the dessert menu. (And with
milk in the champagne flute!)

Did I misread that or is there really a weather guy on CNN
named Flip Spiceland? (As a guy with a funny name it's my birthright
to laugh at others with funny names.)