I was sitting on the couch in living room….or was about to, when I saw two kids coming to the door. I figured they were selling something, and not wanting to deal with them, I ducked in front of the couch, laying on the floor. I could still see the front door and front window. Both dogs were in the house, I know this because Sara alias El Chupacabra was standing on the coffee table looking down at me. Despite the kids knocking on the door, neither dog was barking.

The kids go away, seeing as how I didn’t answer the door. I get up, only to see a car or truck in the driveway, and two tall men returning with the kids. I duck in front of the couch again. One of the men begins to pick the lock on the door, and he succeeds. I figure that when I stand up, these suspects will realize that there IS somebody home, and either leave, say the door was open and make up some lame story, or kill me. They do nothing of the sort. They just walk in, make their intentions clear, and start taking things, reminding me who is in charge by flashing a butterfly knife every now and then. Not a gun, or a super soaker loaded with anthrax or smallpox (to which I’m immune, thank you US Military), but a small, somewhat unimpressive butterfly knife.

I remember to note their appearances, as I will have to call the police when they are done. Both men are very tall, and rather large. The one I primarily deal with has short, buzzed red hair, glasses, and that’s all I can remember. Good description, I know. The other one is dressed like the demon in Jeepers Creepers, maybe he looks like him too, I can’t remember his face.

First off, I remember pointing out a cool, expensive Star Wars-ish toy I had sitting on the shelf in the dining room, hoping that they would take it and not much else. Apparently I felt as though I could part with that item, and I probably could seeing as how in reality I own nothing of the sort. One of the kids picked it up, and both of them walked outside arguing over it. My plan worked! Sort of. Now just don’t take my other stuff that I actually don’t want stolen. The Buddha wouldn’t care if he got robbed, huh? He probably wouldn’t have anything to steal to begin with anyway. I should try to work on stuff reduction, so if I do get robbed, I won’t care.

Which one of you assholes made me drink that $15 dollar coffee at like 7pm? Was it you? Or you? Or was it YOU!

Maybe it was me.

I have realized the slowness of my metabolism. Caffeine doesn’t affect my mind until many hours AFTER I drink it.

I was watching TV until about 1:15 (that’s late for me), then when I tried to go to sleep all I could think about was how much I’m sick of food. I’m sick of having to make it, having to pay for it, having to take time out of my day to eat it. I’m going to develop a 2000 calorie super multi-vitamin with a hunger-suppressing agent so I can just take one a day and not die of malnutrition. Am I lazy for wanting this? Maybe. Am I selfish about this since there are people around the world that are starving? Most definitely.

Maybe if I didn’t have to spend up to 30 minutes a day eating, I could use that time more wisely and come up with a solution to world hunger. The solution would be my 2000 calorie super multi-vitamin. Now there’s a Catch 22 if I ever thought of one.

Until I have developed my 2000 calorie super multi-vitamin, I’m going to live off of a diet of non-super multi-vitamins, mixed salted nuts, cows milk, and water. I don’t need to eat vegetables, the cows eat that, and its nutrition is passed on to me via the milk…at least that’s what I was taught in school about the food chain. And by that logic, I’m also eating sunlight and carbon dioxide.

And I’ve been having bloody farts since the coffee. Thank you Starbucks. I don’t mean “bloody farts” like I’m British, but I mean there is blood coming out when I fart. Yes, its gross, how do you think I feel about it? I actually have to clean myself up, you don’t.

Earlier this evening, myself, Corinne, Jatt and Manet were returning from Palo Alto after having spent several hours wandering around IKEA filling up those wonderful 4 wheel independent suspension shopping carts with consumer goods. The 152 was closed at I-5 due to a HazMat spill that happened 17 hours earlier that day. We ended up having to take I-5 south to Firebaugh, rather then 152 east to Chowchilla. If you live around here, you know what we mean, if you don’t, I’m not going to explain all that. Lets just say we had to take a different route home that involved to much “middle-of-nowhere-ness.”

In Firebaugh, the fog was so bad that we couldn’t figure out which way to go, as there are no real signs to point us in the right direction. We stopped at a gas station to figure out where to go. By the way, I was driving a U-HAUL full of IKEA goods, Jatt was driving my car, and Corinne and Manet were in the Vue.

We decided that we need to go south, and as we were leaving we were approached by one of the Mexican families that was also lost in the fog and more or less stranded at the gas station. They asked if they could follow us to Fresno, because they would at least know where to go from there. Of course, we told those wetbacks to find their own route. Not really, we had one of them among our own group, so we had to help.

The family that asked us was a mother, father, and a few kids. They were to follow us, and as far as we knew, that was it. When we actually left the gas station, there were at least 3 other cars full of Mexicans following us, one big caravan traveling through the fog. Somehow they knew that we knew where we were going. Apparently we were the only ones with a map.

I made the comment that we had become the Mexican version of Moses, leading our people out of Firebaugh through the parting fog.

It was funny, believe me.

What I want to know is, how did all these Mexicans become stranded in Firebaugh? They must of gotten there, why couldnt they find their way out? Our excuse was that we were passing through and had never been that way before. Surely not every car full o’Mexicans was coming from Palo Alto like we were. One of life’s many mysteries I suppose.

I think my immune system is so on top of things that it goes overboard. I never get sick, but when I get seasonal allergies my body goes on full alert and kicks histamine butt. In the process, I feel sick when, in fact, its just bad allergic reactions to random things in the air.

Sometimes I just wish I could get sick so at least I could take medicine, because allergy medication does nothing for me.

Don’t take this as a complaint, I just wanted everybody to know how kick ass my immune system is. I think I’m immune to serious stuff, like Malaria and AIDS. I’d be a fool to test out that theory…or would I be a coward? I need to take a trip to Africa and see.