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Friday, May 23, 2014

Robot Monster = Sob, Tormentor

Note: This is a review I'm reposting from my Epinions account with a few modifications.

It’s hard to say for certain which movie is the worst. Many have poor
production values but are still entertaining. Mystery Science Theater
3000 proved that. Some movies have a good amount of talent and money
behind it, yet still fall flat. Then there are some that have almost
nothing going for them. Robot Monster was just such a movie.

The
movie starts with a boy and girl, presumably brother and sister,
playing together. He’s playing alien invaders despite her insistence
that they play house. Finally, they wander off and find two people
examining a cave. That’s when mother comes along and tells her children
that it’s nap time, so they go to sleep on their picnic blanket.

For
no apparent reason, we get to see some clips of some close-ups of
reptiles. This serves only as a segue to a deserted Earth. There are
only eight surviving humans on the planet, two of which are never seen.
We have the boy and girl from before, their mother, father, older
sister and the father’s assistant. It’s soon explained that Ro-Man has
killed everyone as part of an invading force, or so he thinks.

The
Great Guidance, Ro-Man’s superior, informs Ro-Man that there are still
eight survivors. (Both characters are played by the same actor wearing a
gorilla suit and a diving helmet. A separate actor also voices both
characters.) It’s up to Ro-Man to hunt down and kill the remaining
“hu-mans”.

You wouldn’t think it would be that hard to find and
kill eight people, even if they are the last eight people on the
planet. The survivors survived because they all had a serum that was
supposed to ward off any sickness. (The father and his assistant have
invented the panacea.) By dumb luck, Ro-Man happens to be in the same
area as the eight survivors. In fact, the characters often go over to see Ro-Man, so he could easily walk there.

Of course, the
survivors have an electrical device that blocks Ro-Man’s equipment. He
can communicate via magical plastic screens that he can’t put a physical
trace on. Also, all of the survivors leave their little camp at one
point, presumably leaving the protection of their device. Couldn’t
Ro-Man see where they left the protective field and at least narrow down where the camp is? At the very least, he should know which direction
they're in. All Ro-Man does is offer them the chance to surrender or
face an “indescribable” death.

Speaking of Ro-Man and The Great
Guidance, I don’t think that the guy in the gorilla suit ever talked to
the guy doing the voice. In retrospect, I don’t think he knew that his
character even had lines. All he did was move his arms around in a very
humorous way, hoping to look menacing. His voice was also meant to be
menacing, but was laughable at best.

Also, I understand that CGI
wasn’t very advanced in the late 50s and you had to have a human play
the part, which limits your options. But a guy in a gorilla suit with a
diving helmet? I’m sure you could find something more menacing to work
with. This was another movie where strings were evident in several
places. (Pay attention to the scene where the two other survivors are
supposed taking off in a rocket.)

I understand that Ro-Man has
his orders, but the Robot Monster race wants to be rid of humanity
because they may pose a threat. Eight people are not a threat. Of
course, we’re talking about robots, so I suppose that explains why they
have to stick to The Plan so closely. ("There can be no error.")

Another
big problem that I figured out early on was the problem of inbreeding.
With eight people left, five of which are already related to each
other, you don’t have many mating options. I’m not saying that they
should just give up, but the problem isn’t really even mentioned. I
think it was mentioned that there was a space station, but I wasn’t
really clear as to whether or not there were people up there.

What
really surprised me is that there’s a 3-D version out there somewhere.
I’m not even sure that it would be worth it except for the bubble
machine and the very last scene. There weren’t many scenes that I felt
would have benefited from seeing it in 3-D.

The movie is so lame
that I think this qualifies as the lamest that I’ve ever seen. (When
the movie ends, you sit back and think, “Well, yeah. That would explain
it.”) It’s truly a horribly made movie, but you have to see it to
fully understand how horrible it is. With this movie, a binary
‘Recommended’ option doesn’t quite work. In the words of Ro-Man, “I
cannot, yet I must. How do you calculate that?”