Thanks
to some spiritual maturity that I have been able to get from God, I
have over the years come to discover that my homosexuality is not a
punishment from Him but rather a challenge to live a life for God
even when it is very difficult to do so. It certainly would have been
possible for God to prevent me from experiencing a life of
homosexuality but I'm beginning to understand that perhaps in His
infinite wisdom He felt that I could give Him far more glory as a
homosexual who meets and exceeds the challenges that are handed to
him than one who would be straight and live a pretty typical vanilla
life in the suburbs. In my own life God has revealed to me some of
why I have faced what I have faced. I believe He has done this
because He knew I would have great difficulty in sharing the
information that I have without knowing personally something about
where I have been and why I have been there.

Also,
Paul, in his epistles, wrote a lot about pain. Paul was no stranger
to pain. He also was no stranger to sin, especially earlier in his
life before he came to know and embrace Jesus Christ. So if you, like
me, ever have to deal with either emotional or physical pain, or
sometimes hate the fact that you are a sinner, you are not alone. I
highly recommend you read what Paul wrote, and you, like me, will
say, “Hey, I can relate to that!”

While
I don't think our lives are randomly chosen by God, I do think there
is a certain amount of perceived randomness in who God decides will
get what talents, what challenges, and where one will be born, and
who will be one's parents as well as many other seeming random facts
about each life. I say it is perceived randomness because that is how
it appears to you and me. However that is because we cannot possibly
understand God's big picture, that huge canvas of unimaginable size
that He is painting upon with each of our individual lives and how
they all fit together in His amazing structure. To you and me it
would appear similar to God dealing a hand of cards to each
individual when his or her soul is created by God. This deck of cards
that each of us is dealt is different for every single one of us--no
two individuals ever before created or ever after created has the
exact same deck of cards dealt by God. To each of us this would seem
to be a very random event, but in reality God knows exactly what He
is doing even though we cannot possibly really understand nearly any
of it. That is due to our infinitely small minds and our sin nature
that causes us to be rebellious against God and ignorant of His ways.
So to you and me we are dealt this hand of what seems like random
cards and this may help define the talents that we have been given by
God. I'm talking about talents such as music ability, mathematical
ability, ability to learn and use languages, ability to deal
effectively with other humans, just to name a few.

Also
included in this seeming random deck of cards that each of us is
dealt may be circumstances beyond which we have any control. Things
such as who are parents are, what environment we are born into, and
what kind of childhood we have, may all play a part in making us the
teenager or adult that we ultimately will turn out to be. As an aside
I would like to say this is why child abuse is such a serious issue
and why I think that people who abuse young children are completely
messing up the deck of cards that that child has been dealt. That
unfortunately means that life for that person may be very difficult
to live joyfully or effectively as they struggle to overcome the
abuse that was thrown at them as a young child.

And
yes I do
include homosexuality in this particular dealing of cards. Not that
God has made a person to be homosexual but that that is how it turned
out possibly due to environmental, genetic or other characteristics
that the individual may not have control over and ultimately, is a
result of the sin nature that every single one of us inherits from
our parents. I honestly don't know for sure how I became a
homosexual, but all I know for sure is that somehow it happened. I also
know that for me it was never a conscious choice. Ever. When
I discovered that I was homosexual, I more or less embraced it as
something I have to deal with; but instead of seeing it as a
challenge, I saw it as a punishment and yet another reason to resent
and rebel against God. So for most of my entire adult life from the
time that I first discovered my homosexuality, I viewed it as a
punishment from God, something that I hated in myself, something I
resented God for, and ultimately something I thought I could learn to
live with and survive in this life even though it kept me apart from
God. And it certainly kept me from giving God the glory that He
deserved.

Over
time, I came to understand that regardless whatever hand of cards
that I was dealt when I was born and in my childhood, that my goal in
life must be, shall be, and can only be to glorify God. That is the
only logical response to a all-powerful God who created me and truly
and deeply loves me. I never realized this when I was growing up as a
teenager, or as a young adult, or even years beyond that. And because
of that ignorance of God's revelation about His love and my need to
glorify Him, my life was much less than what it could have been and
should have been in the realm of serving God and being available for
His plans for my life. God's revelation to me explained that I cannot
use homosexuality as an excuse to reject God, to rebel against God,
or to feel sorry for myself. That deck of cards that I have been
dealt is one that I'm thinking that God knew I could handle. It would
not be easy, because life is seldom easy for any homosexual, no
matter his or her spiritual situation or upbringing. But I could deal
with that
deck of cards I was dealt, and still manage to glorify God even
though there would be much pain and torment in my life, especially in
my teenage years.

For
people like me who have the
homosexuality card in the hand of cards that I ended up with in this
life regardless of how that happened, I was faced with a choice that
I did not want to have to make: to embrace Jesus Christ and what He
did on the cross for me, or reject His free offer of eternal life and
suffer an eternity apart from Him. Being homosexual was not a huge
player in that except I felt rebellious and resentful to God, and
therefore His Son as well. I knew I could not make myself straight,
but eventually I decided to take the path of giving my life to Jesus
Christ and letting Him transform me into the person He wants me to
be. I still have a homosexual nature and desires, but as Paul
wrote about many times, I would be a new creature in Christ but still
confined to a sinful and corrupt body and flesh. I would now have
more power given by the Holy Spirit to live a life that, while still
homosexual, honors Jesus by living as He would have me live.And I'll be
the first to say that it is easier said that done.

When
I finally accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, deep down I was
convicted by the Holy Spirit that the life I needed to live was one
that did not include a promiscuous homosexual lifestyle. Because I
had tried that life earlier on and found it to be empty,
disappointing and degrading, and was actually fueling my tendency
toward suicide, that decision was not too hard for me. I live a
somewhat subdued life now, and actually find it more fulfilling because
of
the blessings I often receive from the Holy Spirit in striving to
honor and glorify God alone.

When
I was younger, I asked many times for God to "cure my
homosexuality," to what seems to be no avail. I now understand a
little better why maybe I was not "cured" of my
homosexuality. That is because I now better understand that God can
get a lot more glory in me living a life pleasing to Him in spite of
my homosexuality than if He came into my life and removed those
“homosexuality” cards that I had been dealt that allowed
homosexuality to be a part of my life. God could certainly turn me
into a straight robot should He desire, but where would be any glory
for Him in that? How would His love of me be manifest if God merely
turned me into an robot who had no free will? Ironically, neither I
nor God would enjoy it if I became a robot. So on that God and I
agree. Even if the result is more complicated, more challenging, and
more painful than if I was just a robot at the beck and call of God.