Build The Relationship You WANT

“Denial – a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimization) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).”

I’ve had many a stunning – and seemingly unfortunate – awareness over the years – or even in the last few weeks – of how I’ve been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial. Like everyone else I know that has such revelations, I found myself wanting to find some sort of Spiritual meaning in it. Now, you might ask yourself, “What could possibly be Spiritual about denial?” Of course, if you ARE asking yourself that, the the problem built into the question itself is that, if you knew the answer, you couldn’t be in denial anymore, right? This is all no fun for the parts of our mind that regularly like to redeem frequent flyer miles from the Frequent Denial Program. However, in life and in relationships, that shouldn’t keep you from looking at it.

One of the key things you and I have been in denial about at one time or another is how things are going in your relationship…not so much with your romantic partner (though that’s fertile ground for massive amounts of denial), but the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself. One of the reasons your mind likes you being in denial about THAT relationship is because it allows you to maintain an illusion that your ego’s very fond of: that there’s some place you’re going to arrive at (if you work hard enough at it) that will be that magical place where everything’s been healed, you’ve got everything figured out, your plans will now be guaranteed to come out just the way you want them to, and you now have a life ahead of you of unfettered joy and coasting.

Your ego doesn’t want you facing the possibility that what you may be going through in the way of challenges in your life is a recurrence of some pattern, some belief that you thought you’d gotten handled over the course of your 120 years of therapy you feel like you’ve done, and the 4,000 self-help books you’ve devoured in the endless pursuit of trying to fix and heal yourself. The way to confirm this is to watch how often you say in your mind, “But, I’ve done SO much work on that” when you once again repeat a behavior pattern that’s plagued you for years.

Another way to gauge how much denial may be in the driver’s seat in your life is to see if you can track how hard you’re working to keep yourself distracted from your feelings and/or those of your Partner….and when you can’t distract yourself any longer, you’re often feeling resentment about how others are treating you, rather than take a realistic look at how you’re treating yourself.

If this is all hitting home for you in some way, then you may want to look at the great blessing, that’s bigger than you could imagine, of popping the denial bubbles. As painful as it can be to come out of denial about anything, if you have the courage to go the distance with it, you have virtually unlimited potential for freedom and growth in every part of your life.

When it comes to relationship, if you can develop the habit of seeing EVERYTHING as it ACTUALLY is, with an open heart, then anything’s possible and anything can be shifted.

If you add to that the skill of taking 100% responsibility for everything that’s happening in your life (“Now, THAT one’s REALLY irritating” your ego is probably saying right now), you can bring so much more of yourself, your compassion, and your love to every relationship and begin healing the one with yourself more easily. It’s hard to do that when you’re constantly looking at a Hall of Mirrors in between your ears.

In case you want to take this on as a practice for yourself, here’s a few common ways of interacting with life that indicate you may be in some pretty hefty denial:

Whenever you’re catching yourself in any of those kinds of thoughts, and want to start enacting a “Get Real” approach that allows you to get realigned with the flow that your Spirit has in mind for you, try doing something as simple as noticing how long it’s been since you told your partner how much you love them and why; hug your children (because you really want to, rather than because you should); or let yourself consciously get moved to tears by someone else’s good fortune and love…and then, cry at your own good fortune to be loved by someone.

Doing any of those types of things that you’ve had in the deep freeze for awhile, and you will find yourself no longer going down the river of De-Nile without a paddle.

Ok, if you’re not a Pink Floyd fan – and/or haven’t listened to the Dark Side Of The Moon album (it’s been pointed out to me recently, by the way, how badly I’m dating myself by even using the term “album”) – this article may take you a bit more time to get in the groove of.

There’s a song on the Dark Side album called “Speak To Me/Breathe.” The first verse contains the following lyrics:

Breathe, breathe in the air Don’t be afraid to care Leave but don’t leave me Look around, choose your own ground For long you live and high you fly And smiles you’ll give and tears you’ll cry And all your touch and all you see Is all your life will ever be

Now, you may be wondering if I’ve lost my mind, using Pink Floyd as any kind of reference for how you can improve your relationship, but bear with me. What had me even begin to think of this song was a conversation I had with a friend recently about some relationship dynamics they were experiencing. The person was struggling with how to relate to, and be with, the current state of things in what could be a budding relationship without really knowing the “rules of the game.” Without certainty about where the other person involved is at about where their relationship is headed, or not, my friend was struggling with how to figure out how to be or what to do without a plan or a sure bead on where the other person “is at.”

Now, in any kind of currently “traditional” paradigm, you want to know where you stand…with your partner (if you have one), with your future, with your life plan, with your friends, with your job, etc. If you’re like a lot of people, the only surprises you really enjoy are parties, lottery winning, a free car and/or wardrobe, a free trip somewhere great, and – hopefully – an unexpected night of hot sex with your honey. So, to avoid any of the other kind of surprises, you consciously – and more often, unconsciously – try to manipulate, strategize, and “plan” what your future is going to look like. Then, when it doesn’t look like it may turn out how you’re planning it, you may even then go into trying to adjust variable and control it even more to get it “back on track,” right? When you go that route in your relationships, you’re likely to have a rough time. This is where Pink Floyd was really onto something in 1973.

When things are starting to feel rough with your Partner, how often do you start “dealing with it” by breathing? In fact, how often do you even pay attention to consciously breathing? I highly recommend trying it. It will get you in your body more, you’ll feel more (yes, including difficult feeling, but also including ecstatic ones), and it can even vastly improve your sex life! However, most of us simply react and go up into our strategic brain when things don’t look like they’re going to plan.

Some of you pretend you don’t care…but you really do. You just choose to hide it or withhold it (and what’s really going on for you, to boot). If you really care, you need to communicate that to your partner. If your Partner’s pissing you off, or hurting your feelings, you need to let them know you care. The passive-aggressive stoic route is way outdated. One way you can choose to go in that kind of situation and if you are withholding is to check out. So, “leave, but don’t leave me” can translate into go inside yourself…check in with your heart, gut, and mind to see what’s really triggered your reaction, take responsibility for what’s really your stuff, and then come back to your partner and fill them in on how you’re taking responsibility for your experience!

The lyric of “Look around, choose your own ground” is all about trying to bring FULL awareness to EVERYTHING going on around and in you. It’s about being fully present as much as possible with yourself and your partner. If you’re not, the ground you choose (i.e., how you’re likely to respond) is more likely than not to be distorted and full of projections. Choose what’s true for, and in, you…and, then communicate just that…not what you’ve already decided is true for your Partner.

The rest of the lyrics, to me, speak to the critical skill of recognizing that you (and your Partner) are neither your thoughts nor your opinions (and even perceptions, a lot of the time). To make a relationship work solely from the mind is certainly doable…but, watching paint dry is likely to be vastly more entertaining. To have a really juicy, vibrant, and dynamic relationship (or even life), I suggest you’ll do well to pay more attention to what your body tells you and knows…through all five senses and through all your feelings…they’re a much better reference point, in my experience. Your body cannot lie to you, no matter what. Your mind? That’s a whole ‘nother story.

Notice how much you’re trying to manage your life and your key relationships to some plan (which you’re never going to have a 100% guarantee of working out, no matter how hard you try), and try even a few days of ditching the plan…see how much more present to yourself and your partner you really are…and enjoy the moments more, rather than experiencing moments as benchmark measurements to gauge how well THE PLAN’s going.

Given all the cachet given to Valentine’s Day, and how many traditions there are around what it means, how it should be celebrated, etc., I find that it can actually reduce the true experience of love to commercially determined parameters that don’t even come close to actually capturing what the love we have really has to offer. As many common ways as there are to honor our Valentine/Partner, I am always searching for how to express and feel my love – be it for Sarah, my children, my friends – to new depths.

One way that you can always find to do that, in one form or another, is to remember and make alive that love in its purest form – no matter who or what it’s attached to – is, in my opinion, an expression of the energy of the Divine (whatever that means to you…God, Budhha, the Universe, or even Ralph). There is an Irish distinction about love that you can experiment with that may fill the bill of taking your love to an even deeper, more visceral experience…which is always the est medicine for what ails you in this roller coaster ride we call being human.

In 1997, former Catholic priest, John O’Donahue, wrote a bestselling book called Anam Cara: A Book Of Celtic Wisdom, with Anam Cara being a Celtic term for “Soul Friend.” In the book, O’Donahue writes:

“The Anam Cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an Anam Cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul.”

Another anonymous writer has written this about Anam Cara:

“Your anam cara always beholds your light and beauty, and accepts you for who you truly are. In Celtic spirituality, the anam cara friendship awakens the fullness and mystery of your life. You are joined in an ancient and eternal union with humanity that cuts across all barriers of time, convention, philosophy, and definition. When you are blessed with an anam cara, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place: ~HOME!”

Now, if you read those two quotes, do you get a sense of what love is at a level that’s got more profundity and depth than a Hallmark card? Doesn’t it offer a different perspective on what any relationship can truly behold besides just “getting your needs met?”

I really believe that, if you were to focus much more on seeing and connecting with the anam cara’s in your life, and truly mined the depth that the very definition of anam cara illuminates, there would be a phenomenal difference in your life and on the planet. This isn’t to minimize the value of conflict and differing opinions, needs, and wants…but, most of the time, you’re working those conflicts and differences out from the Ego’s agenda.

What could shift, and/or be richer, if you were to sort things out through the energyof being one’s anam cara? What if your relationship was treated less as a thing that you “work on,” and more as a Soul vehicle that’s to be ongoingly nurtured and maintained for peak expressions, over and over again? Your ego’s never going to be satisfied…it always wants more and better. Your Spirit, however, has different criteria for satisfaction, and has much longer lasting feelings with infinite breadth to go with them. With an anam cara, that connection is always more than enough…yet, can always grow, without ever feeling insufficient. How many other things in life do you experience that way?

So, let’s see how you can play with this whole notion.

For me, I have several anam cara’s, but my life partner, Sarah, is the one I’d have to say is at the top of the list, which may or may not be true for you. But, if it is, let’s start there. She literally fulfills on every aspect of the quotes above. I don’t believe a true anam cara needs to fulfill every single facet of the attributes, but if someone mostly fills the bill, that’s likely to be close enough for government work.

So, I invite you to first make a list of each of the qualities/conditions that are laid out in the two quotes above about what an anam cara is and represents. Then, be sure you’re seeing how YOU may be your own anam cara (just as a fringe benefit). Then, make a list of all the people in your life who are that kind of soul friend for you, and jot down what that connection has brought you, and continues to, as an illumination of your own Soul’s flavor. Lastly, look at how you’d want to honor and acknowledge that anam cara. If you can’t think of anyone, then it’s indicative that you’ve got work to do to become your own soul friend. If your partner isn’t on the list, it will reveal the edge of growth and learning available to you to explore. But, if you’ve got anam cara’s that you intuitively feel would be hugely served to be honored as such, I have a ceremony that you can do that’s extremely moving and powerful. If you’d like to get a copy of that (it’s too lengthy to place here), then simply drop me a line asking for it here.

To wrap up, the anam cara’s in our lives transcend and go beyond our love partners. To me, it ideally begins with yourself…so, start there. But, if you’re in a relationship with a Partner, or a friend, that’s struggling…see if they may fit the description of what anam cara is all about, and it may just give you a bigger game to play to connect more deeply than the normal “Who’s right and who’s wrong” paradigm that plagues most relationships.

It’s pretty astonishing that the holiday most focused on celebrating love is the single biggest day when people talk divorce.

I kid you not.

There is so much pressure surrounding Valentine’s Day that, for most people, it’s a complete flop, and something’s just not right about that.

Now, we all know that relationships can be hard work, but they don’t always need to be. When you think about your relationship, are you by chance feeling guilty because your inner voice is asking you to take better care of yourself than your significant other?

Do you feel stifled and hemmed or confused and stuck about what you want, what you have, and how to bridge whatever difference between the two you may be settling for?

Is time with your partner getting harder to come by, or is it starting to seem like more trouble than it’s worth? (It’s ok to admit it. Your relationship’s in trouble if you can’t, if it’s true.)

Maybe you spend more time talking logistics than what you appreciate about each other – if you’re even talking much at all these days.

As for sex – would you rather watch TV or just go back to bed and get more sleep?

Things just aren’t the way they were when you met. I get it. It happens.

But here’s another truth. Believe it or not, you can enjoy a deeper connection with your partner, no matter how little or how long you’ve been together. You CAN create a juicier future, filled with peace, harmony and complete fulfillment…a future (and present) that opens you both up so that you both feel more confident with each other, with what your relationship can be, and how you can keep stimulating each other (and I don’t just mean in the way that that implies).

I’m known as the Relationship Recovery Coach. Why? Because I’ve helped so many couples (and singles) get into, or back into, more loving, more magnetic, and utterly enchanted relationships…with each other, themselves, and their lives.

You’re never too old for enchantment, or to have your relationships and life transform to a whole new place of bliss.

I’ve spent the last 16 years helping thousands expand their lives, their careers, and best of all, their relationships with their partners and kids, from dull and blocked to caring and fulfilled.

My approach to helping couples – particularly couples that feel like their relationship is treading on thin ice but don’t feel ready to abandon it yet – involves:

· Guiding them into creating an entirely new vision for what their relationship can be

· Helping them get to the heart of the matter that most couples therapists don’t ever get to (FYI: 85% of the couples who come to me, after trying couples counseling to little or no success, are able to maintain a successful relationship).

· Helping them heal their real, underlying issues by providing concrete tools and techniques for heading them off if they ever come up again; and

· Working one-on-one with them to develop a solid Relationship Action Plan that will take them from what they’ve been settling for into truly embodying a fully inspired life that healthy relationships play such a huge part in and so much more!

To celebrate Valentine’s Day (and to help lower those disturbing statistics), I’m offering a limited number of Love & Relationship Breakthrough Sessions (valued at $375), *absolutely free* to my community and friends of my community.

It’s a full 75-minute session that is guaranteed to help you uncover the exact next steps for you and your partner to get back to feeling passion and awe, rather than boring and predictable.

In other words, no more blah.

You will walk away with a blueprint of precisely what you need to do next to have the relationship and connection you’re longing for.

To claim your session, email me here and write, “Valentine’s Day Gift For Me” in the subject line. I’ll get back to you ASAP to set it up.

I encourage you to act quickly. Valentine’s Day is almost here and my calendar is getting booked up quickly this time of year.

I was just reading a post on Facecrack that a dear friend of mine asked for some men to offer feedback on. It was concerning an article she’d seen on a website discussing the differences between men and women, and how those differences made relationships challenging. The author was basically contending (and I’m in agreement, to a large degree) that men get into trouble in relationships because they really don’t know how to contribute their half/part of their emotional responsibilities towards feeding relationships.

His theory was that most men don’t adequately know their emotional landscape very well (that’s a fancy way of saying they live too much in their heads, and don’t really connect with their feelings enough).

Now, I could probably write a book about the differences between men and women, and how that impacts things in a straight relationship. However, I’ve been thinking lately of what might happen if we stopped trying to figure out things in our relationships based on gender stereotypes or preconceptions (at best)? I’ve heard a gazillion men and women say, “I’d sure be a lot happier if I could just figure out how [fill in the gender blank] think/work!”

I’m not arguing for or against the differences that are often cited about how men and women respond differently; however, just for the hell of it, what if you weren’t to look at it, or try to figure it out, from the perspective of how your partner’s different because of their genital make-up?

What if you were to navigate the choppy waters that arise from looking at thedifferences between you and your Partner not as gender-specific but more from the perspective of how PEOPLE are? At the risk of grossly over-simplifying, while there are certainly genetic differences between men and women, I’m not so sure that the other differences are as much about equipment as they are about conditioning.

You know what? Even if I’m completely full of it, I’m going to argue the point that, if you buy the notion that we’re all connected (otherwise known as the “Oneness” paradigm), then a way you can work better with your partner when you’re hitting major speed bumps together is to stop trying to relate to each other through the lens of how you’ve been conditioned to believe the other sex “thinks.” Hell, for that matter, trying to work through conflict solely on the basis of where your minds are at is also futile, for the most part…at least if you try to do it before you’ve started tuning in to how you’re each feeling. Yes, I said “Feeling!” Try to relate to what’s happening as a “PersonThing.”

Women are often characterized by a lot of dudes as “overly emotional.” I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Men think with their (ahem…) organ(s)” or “Men don’t feel the way we do.” As a member of the Dude Club myself, it’s disingenuous to deny there’s a lot of people for whom those generalizations may be true. However, there isdefinitelysomething shifting with men. Like the title of this article says, “What’s up with men, anyway?”

Well, I really believe there is a large shift happening (yes, one amongst MANY) in men’s consciousness. I believe it’s a shift that isn’t about men mutating differently, but that men’s conditioning is being challenged by men at a level I haven’t seen before en masse. Men (at least the ones I know and work with in the Men’s Groups that I lead) are truly beginning to see that their minds are just NOT going to get them out of much, particularly with their women and relationships. The new common ground really has to shift to being more inclusive of feeling into each other, and realizing that – male or female – the true desire of all desires, when you really cut underneath any of the bulls**t, is to feel connected…which does NOT happen in the mind, in my experience.

Here’s an excerpt from an email that a man in one of my groups shared with me (and the rest of the group) after our last meeting, where a great deal of vulnerability was shared by all:

“Disruption, de-stabilization…this is really what the Wise Ones mean when they speak of death and rebirth. Humanity has been lower-mind dominated for thousands of years now. Finally, we are waking up. Sure, sure, sure…there’s plenty to indicate otherwise. Need I even list the examples? Nope, let’s not go there; because, as long as we choose – us men – the connection to the Universal Spirit, the Divine, we shine through.

“Now, I can hear the skeptics, the cynics…I can hear them crystal clear. Giving away their power to the proverbial “Them.” Giving away power to “they.” Those people, out there, way out there, who somehow make decisions about the way things will really be. You see, the thing about it is, an authentic connection between nine men and the Divine [which is what had happened at the last meeting of this Men’s Circle the night before this man wrote this] is contagious. And, we are not the only ones. All over the globe people are waking up. What is new is this connection we are discovering with our Source and with each other. This connection, of course, is truly ancient, but we as a civilization, as a species, have gone through a profound disconnection with our Source. Now, we are finally returning home.

“This connection is contagious. I give evidence that we all sat together last night and spoke of presence, of love and support, of growth and ambition, and clarity and surrender as if it was a natural matter of fact…as if it was a matter of fact that we should speak of these things and share all of this. This is the shift of consciousness that many pockets of the world are undergoing, right now. And all we have to do is not deny it…not give our power away to “them” and “they.” We are here, we are here now. The timeis now.”

Now, whether you agree with this Man’s perspectives/opinions or not, you can see that he’s speaking from a place of passion, depth, heart, and clarity…qualities/energies that men are often taught are “weak,” or not manly, except on a sports field or in a corporate boardroom…yet, we ARE in a time – be it in terms of relationships with Partners, or other relationships in general – where transcending gender stereotypes is crucial and relying on gender conditioning is not going to cut it anymore. You’re hard-wired for love and connection, and the old paradigms are clearly not working…so, are you willing to look newly at who you’re really sleeping with, underneath the surface (including yourself)? You could be delightfully surprised at what you find.

To provide the best practices for living in loving intimacy with partners, From Fizzle to Sizzleis that kind of eye-opening, spectacular experience that offers YOU offer practical, hands-on tools and strategies for relationship repair and reconnection. Enroll here now!

4 Core Values That Foster Good Relationships

In our personal and professional relationships, a set of basic core values serves to guide our relationships, whether parenting, partners, or friends. In the world of relationships, these four values are words of action, not just a mental representation of some nice thing. Since values are abstract to many people, here is the way adults in relationships can make values work with your friends, children, colleagues or lovers. See these values as sequenced strategies to repairing relationships.

Connection – to be linked or bonded to another person or people.

When a child is born, the bonding process involves touch, empathy and positive regard. Empathy is established through eye contact with the baby, which programs the brain to recognize, connect, and feel the parent or caregiver. Empathy and positive regard for the child are also connected through conversation, cuddling, holding, movement (walking and rocking). When a parent treat and speaks to the babe or toddler with kindness, softness, love, tenderness, the child feels valued and develops an emotional foundation for feeling safe, cherished, respected, cared for. Our bodies grow and change, and out human needs for attachment to a loving person and bonding to establish feelings of connection do not change.

Think of the most horrible anguish a child can experience: feeling abandoned, feeling tiny and disrespected through being yelled at, treated like an object, dismissed, hit, screamed at, and threatened. These are emotional memories in the making that will hijack this child as an adult.

Do you think adults feel any different? Each person’s core needs are to be met, and when not met, the pattern for emotional abandonment is triggered. You are hardwired for relationships and feeling connected is a priority for communication and commitment.

Question for Your Review: HOW do you feel connected to those most important relations?

Communication – as a value, communication is more than sending a message or conversing. As a value, this means to be in rapport with someone is to be aligned.

Being aligned in the gut with each other helps you feel safe. Being aligned in the heart with each other helps you feel loved or valued. Being aligned in the head with each other implies no judgment, acceptance and the ability to share, argue, debate, and plan without taking it personally.

To be in rapport means you

Can disagree without being disagreeable,

Make an effort to control your emotional hijacking and not dump on another,

Can move away from the need to be right and shift to listening, being open or reflective

Can be objective, even while being emotional.

Question for Your Review: HOW high do you rank communication as a core value in your relationships? We suggest you make it number 1 on your values list for one month and cultivate this quality within yourself. See how your relations improve.

We believe that relationships absolutely requires guts, especially for you types that love harmony, peace, and not making waves, or you who love to escape pressures of modern relationships. Others need courage to face the world, step into and participate actively in their relationships. And others can be fearless, so you might not believe that you need courage. You might be right in that your achievements speak to bravery, but do you need more courage to be sensitive in your relationships, where you dismiss sensitivity and feelings.

Even if you feel like a total wimp, frightened or like a doormat, list courage as a value. Each morning, repeat your mantra of courage in action.

I am courage in action.

I have courage to face…

I see courage in my eyes.

My act of courage to day will be…

Question for your review – How are you courageous in facing your fears and moving through any emotional hijacking situations?

Commitment – to pledge or promise to follow through, accepting a responsibility

Some people might take commitment more lightly than their partner or child would like. That is because you might make promises that you can’t keep in a reasonable length if time. Some people get caught up in their actions and visions and planning. Others get overwhelmed and put promises on the backburner. While others shift priorities like the wind and may even forget if you are out of their sight and out of mind.

This happens because all of you have good intentions. You make commitments fully intending to keep them, but…life happens. Those to whom you commit can only assume you have forgotten unless you take some sort of action like communicate, make an action plan or settle on a date for delivery.

When you forget the promise, the person in relation to you can feel disrespected and devalued. If that is not the result that you want in your relationships, then add a timeline to the commitment that you make.

Responsibility, then, is the twin to Commitment and means that you can be counted on, depended upon to follow through, complete the task or commitment, and be accountable for doing so.

Assessment of these core 4 values in your relationships provides a compass for you to be authentic and aware enough to fully enjoy and be fulfilled.

The phrase “What were the odds?” often gets used in conjunction with some disaster or catastrophe. However, it’s a perfect phrase to describe how I feel on this very momentous day in my life.

Today is a VERY important anniversary in my life, and there are some anniversaries that really deserve to be touted and celebrated, so that their meaning can be re-ignited and continually be a source of honoring what really matters. Today is the 30th anniversary of my Beloved Sarah and I becoming a couple. Jeez…30 years! It’s unbelievable to me (and to us) that that many years have gone by. Of course, it’s equally a trip to me to see how utterly fabulous and young we looked in the pic to the left, which was taken a couple months after we became a couple (and how I looked when I had hair)!

This eZine is all about love, Spirit, and relationships, not always necessarily in that order, so I’m banking on the fact that you’ll find it useful to you to know a bit about why this anniversary is so special (besides longevity) and what it may have to offer you with your relationship(s).

“What were the odds?” comes into play here, because when Sarah and I look back on these past 30 years, that question is one of the primary things we both think of. What were the odds that we’d even meet? Pretty slim if you knew the circumstances of our lives at the time. What were the odds we’d evenlike each other, because we were SO different then and wanting very different things? In fact, my late mother (who actually introduced Sarah and I), when I first confessed to her my romantic interest in Sarah, told me, “Don’t even think about it…she’ll NEVER go out with you.” (Note to you if you’re a Mom…you probably don’t ever want to tell a son that about a woman…just about guaranteed to drive him even farther towards her). What were the odds really going to be that we’d fall in love with each other when she was newly divorced, I was much younger than Sarah, and I was just starting in a relationship with another woman? What were the odds that a just-out-of-college 24-year-old was going to fall so madly in love with a woman who had a 9-year old kid who was likely to hate ANY guy coming into his Mom’s life (and did for a few years)?

When it comes to love, the cool thing is that odds can often NOT tell the real story or the truest potential. All I knew, when I really started to get to know this internally and externally gorgeous woman, was that I’d finally met someone that could fit the bill of what I KNEW I wanted in a Partner, the most important qualities of which were integrity and trustworthiness. There was never a doubt in my mind that I could trust Sarah, and that has been more than borne out over these last 30 years.

I recently shared with a friend, who was asking me how I most easily connect to the energy of Spirit, or the Divine. It was a no-brainer to give the answer that immediately came to my heart: I look in Sarah’s eyes. When she’s connected to her love for me, and if I’m smart enough to pay attention, I can look in her eyes and see Spirit gazing at me intently with the most unconditional love I’ve ever experienced. I can barely breathe when she looks at me that way…then, I get to deal with the errant part of my mind that still, after all these years, is simply agog at how much love is coming my way. The fact that that’s been true even in the midst of some of our more trying – or just plain s**tty – times is a Spirit-gifted affirmation, to me, of the true power and potential of love.

It isn’t lost on either of us that we’re one of the few couples either of us know who’ve been together more than 10 years who still truly love each other, like each other, and truly look forward to getting to wake up to the other each day.

I feel blessed by that (and, yes, we’ve worked hard at it), but also quite sad that there aren’t more like us that we know. I’m not saying there aren’t…but, in our sphere of influence, we just don’t see them. When I share that, people ask me, “Well, what’s your secret?” While a great question, I have to confess I think it’s Spirit’s secret that we’ve been blessed to be channels for, in a way. But, there are a few things that I’m happy to share that I think is part of what’s allowed us to last this long, with this much love still GROWING (it doesn’t stay static)…I’ll offer them as a sort of a recipe:

Allow yourself to be guided to great starting material; in other words, be sure you do what I did: find one of the most lovely, heartful, caring, and loving people you’ve ever met. If they’re caring towards life, themselves, and others, they’re likely to be that way with you.

Have the good sense to take the time to really get to know each other (out of bed is almost more important at that early stage). I knew within two dates that I was seriously falling for Sarah, but we took the time to really get to know each other before we started really acknowledging that we were a committed partnership (we finally got married 3 years after that).

Add in a boatload of caring conversation…almost be more interested in your partner than you are in yourself (I said “almost”…you have to tend your own garden first, no matter what…but, you have to genuinely be interested in, and committed to, the other person’s potential being fully realized).

Stir in a few hundred cups of patience, understanding, and respect…without those, the relationship’s doomed. Part of this is remembering that, if you’re in a committed relationship of ANY nature, it’s a long-haul deal…get over the adolescent urge for continual instant gratification.

Blend in a TON of respect…if I had to pick just one quality that’s been the single largest contributor (besides love, of course) to our healthy longevity, it’s been the degree to which we both respect each other, and treat each other with as much respect as we can muster in any given moment…especially when we’re pissed off at each other.

Fold in a LOT of touch, affection (verbal & physical), and great sex…never hurts.

Sprinkle heavily with large flakes of commitment…when we said “I do” 27 years ago, we meant it…and, there’ve been plenty of times when that’s been the only thing that got us through.

Lastly, if you have trouble remembering that there are some things that are more important, and valuable, than you two always “being happy,” be sure that you add in some wonderful children (as we did) who will always remind you to occasionally take your attention off yourself and your own needs. It also wouldn’t hurt to throw a healthy devotion and commitment to a Spiritual Path of some sort…a relationship centered around being an expression of the Divine in and through each of you will have a much better shot at lasting.

Sarah and I have been through times we should’ve never made it through, that many couples don’t (for which I give her about 90% of the credit), and we’ve revelled (and continue to) in the simplest things with each other (like eye contact). But, above anything else, we’ve always leaned into our love and our absolute KNOWING of who the other person truly is (especially when they’re not seeing it or behaving like it) to help us get re-aligned with ourselves and the magic of our partnership.

For this Divine Gift that Sarah has been in my life, I am eternally grateful and wish you all that in EVERY relationship you have. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Well, we’ve lived to tell the truth that it is, and we look forward to more.

When something happens to us that hurts our feelings, makes us mad, scares us, or – for me, in particular – proves to be very disappointing, shame is usually triggered. “I’m not enough,” “They don’t like me,” “They don’t know what they’re missing,” “I screwed up, and am paying the price” “I can’t really do it, so to hell with it,”, etc. Are any of those part of your emotional response repertoire (as they can be for me)? If so, how do you respond to it? Are you even consciously aware of that being what’s happening when you suddenly put on the brakes with your dreams, your ambitions, your passion, and/or your work? Does procrastination set in, aided by the subtle yet insidious helpmate, distraction?

If the answer is yes to those last two questions, then you can use that state as an indicator for you…an indicator that you’re in the midst of a shame attack. When this happens to me, and I know from years of working with people on these issues, that I’m not alone…AND, I am no longer present. I don’t just mean present in the room; I’m talking, not even in 2011. I’m not really reacting to a current situation from my older, wiser, 53-year-old self.

No, I’m feeling and acting (or not acting) from a very young part of myself. I’ve been triggered into a wound, or wounds, that go back many decades. When that happens, I will often find myself responding from the same menu of responses that I first learned as a child, mostly from my parents. When my mom got disappointed as I was growing up (and through her whole life, really), her stock response was to get mad or devastatedly hurt, which was almost always followed by her taking her energy away, usually into depression. It was always about her wounds, but to cope with it, she had to first make it all about the other party who had (usually) inadvertently disappointed her.

I’m blessed to have finally outgrown adopting that particular habit of making it all be about the other “offending” party as a regular practice. However, it’s become so easy to go radically to the other extreme, where it must ALWAYS be about me. Either way, the egoic conceit and emotional hobbling that either side of the spectrum engenders ends up being crippling…unless we’re paying attention, learning to discern the difference between healthy shame and self-flagellating shame, and can better master discerning between when

These are the lessons I’ve seen this week – as I’ve ended up doing so much of what I learned from my family to and with myself – that I still get to keep learning and practicing at ever greater depths, in spite of my ego’s desire to feel it’s all handled. And, you?

To continue addressing what I started in last week’s Feature Article, “What COULD The Holidays Be Like,” let’s take a look at one of the biggest things that gets in the way of you really getting a healthy dose of blissful connection with your Partner and with others you really love and treasure during the Holidays (not to mention the rest of the year).

Does this woman to the left look like you, and/or how you feel, at all during this time of year? If it’s ringing a bell for you, how often do you find yourself just feeling like you have no choice…”it’s just got to be (fill in the blank…’done,’ ‘gotten through,’ ‘survived,” etc.)” You may be finding that that coming up more and more these days, as we are now only 3 weeks from Christmas Eve.

Part of what seems to cause this for so many is the automatic nature of how we relate to and handle this time of year, every year…both individually and within our relationships. With friendships, for example, you may be finding yourself saying, more and more, “Let’s get together after the Holidays…we are just so swamped until we get through them.” Notice that? “Until we get through them?” Doesn’t that just get you all excited for the Holiday Season? And, if you’re saying that to your friends, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, you’re saying it to your Partner, whether it’s directly or indirectly. That’s a big part of why so many relationships get so strained and ding-ed this time of year.

A constant sense of overwhelm, and/or not enough time often becomes the rule of the day, rather than what the Holidays are supposed to be about, which – to me – is connection, love, gratitude, and service (at least in my opinion). It doesn’t need to keep feeling like you have no choices. This is, by the way, another consistent culprit in relationship distress…one or the other of you feeling like you’re “stuck” in something, and “can’t” get out of it. The holidays often accentuate that habit, because – after all – there are Holiday Traditions to uphold and honor!!

Yet, whose traditions are those, anyway? And, if you’re upholding them, are you doing it out of obligation, trying to keep others happy, or to avoid conflict? When was the last time you and your partner sat down and actually talked about the Holiday plans as if you TRULY could do whatever you wanted?

I know it’s a pain to deal with family’s desires, traditions, etc., but I suggest it’s most important that you start from a place of being committed to eachother’s individual and collective desires of what you REALLY want this time of year to be about, how you want it to feel, and what you want it to mean for your lives.

I suggest you look at that for yourselves individually first, and then pick a time (SOON) to sit down together, uninterrupted, and ask each other what you really want for your relationship to get for Christmas. Start there! That should include what you both want to feel like (and your kids, if you have them) during – and after – the holidays…how you want to feel when you’re together, what you want to do together, and what you want to take into the New Year for your relationship that can begin by how you take charge of this time right now and over the next three weeks.

Once you’ve done that, then share what each of you wrote for what you each want individually, for now and next year, even. See how much similarity

and/or difference there is between your lists. Then, brainstorm together how you feel you can best integrate those lists together within what you each want collectively for your Partnership. If conflict arises, remember you have choices, and those choices are YOURS…not your friends’, not your relatives, and not your parents’.

If you just start there, that alone will make a tremendous impact on how you feel these next 3-4 weeks. One thing’s for sure: doing that will likely help you avoid the need to use the Stress Reduction Kit shown on the right.

So, there’s one significant tip for you to practice. See how it serves you and your loved ones. Going from being a victim of the Holidays to being a co-creator of the Holidays is your birthright. Why not take advantage of it?

If you want to get several more tips on how you can make the Holidays an enormous gift to your life and your relationship/marriage, then be sure to read about the class I’m teaching online over the next two weeks to help you get just that, and more. It’s in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.

In the last few days before Thanksgiving, I’ve been working with some couples and families who are heading into “The Holidays” not with joy and anticipation, but feeling the impact of family division and in high conflict, as well as some who have decided to split up/divorce…not the place that you want to be at ANY time, but certainly not the place you hope to be (or have your kids be) going into this time of year. In addition, I uncovered some sad, and somewhat shocking, information about what’s happening with relationships “out there,” not just in my sphere of influence.

In the U.S., according to one study, roughly 88% of singles will eventually marry, but only 28% will end up living “happily ever after” (whatever that means, and by whose definitions of that term). The divorce rate for first-time marrieds is over 70%. If that wasn’t bad enough, the holiday period of Christmas & New Year’s is second only to Valentine’s Day in the incidences of divorce filings. It’s been long known that December is also a month where depression and even suicide reaches higher levels than at any time of year. It’s not exactly “Miracle on 42nd Street” or “It’s A Wonderful Life” is it?

Now, I’m not trying to be a buzz kill by any means. I am, however, writing this to sound a note of sobriety. My belief is that a lot of what could make your Holidays, and those of so many others, such a potential source of higher stress, less happiness, and greater levels of disconnection hinges on what they mean to your heart (rather than your checkbook), how clear you and your Partner are on what really matters to the two of you during this time, and the level of unity that you both have in your relationship in general. If you’ve not really checked in with each other on that last piece in awhile, the Holidays are likely to illuminate what you’ve not been seeing and/or owning with each other.

What I remember so vividly from my misspent youth about the Holidays were that they were a time of enormous mixed messages and feelings. I was raised in a single-parent household where my Mom often struggled with depression and spotty employment. Money was usually tight year-round, but the Holidays seemed to be a time where my sister and I wanted what we saw on TV, but had a reality that was never shown on TV or in movies. There were lots of families that seemed to have the Hallmark picture of Christmas, but mine and many others didn’t. It was a time when there were very different ideas of how to “handle” the holidays (particularly gifts) between my Mom and my Grandmother that created some very unhappy and confusing (for us kids) fighting.

When I grew up (yes, there are some who would say I did) and got into relationships, the Holidays then gained a whole NEW wrinkle, which centered around how to navigate the perpetual demands of each person’s family’s traditions around the Holidays. Who would go to which family’s Thanksgiving dinner and then do you switch off to the other’s for Xmas? When I had children, then there was the whole issue of spending the Holiday with Sarah’s family, my family, or having our own family tradition that we invited our families to come join us for (never mind how you work in your siblings and their families, too)! Now that our kids are grown, it gets even more complicated. Oy!

You probably never got a handbook in High School telling you how to maneuver around all that, did you?

The Holidays are also a time where it’s pretty commonplace to reflect back on the year that you’re wrapping up and begin to form a vision for the one lying ahead. This year, for so many people, has been extremely challenging on a number of levels. So, for some of you, looking back may seem akin to having each hair on your head plucked out one at a time (or at least as appealing). For others of you, looking ahead may not seem like much better of a prospect (and for those who do both with great joy and gratitude, you are truly blessed and wise to be seeing that side of things). Yet, it’s my experience that doing that looking is crucial to having what you want in your future…particularly looking at what didn’t work out the way you’d hoped.

Now, before you go reaching for a drink after reading all that, this piece today is to call out a different possibility for this year’s Holiday. It does NOT have to be what youdon’t want, or dread, it to be. In fact, I’ve come to see that a lot of what can really make this time of year so damn difficult for you is if you take it for granted that all the past Holidays you’ve had are an automatic indicator of future results. As cliched as it may seem, the Holidays really can be what you want them to be. The emphasis though has to be “What you want them to be,” with the corollary added that says, “…and what you decide they’ll be like.”

One of the keys for all this is to pay the most attention to is what you and your Partner really want to be feeling, what you want to be doing, and how you each (and collectively) want to BE during this time…and, then, make the decisions that empower all that, in partnership. It’s that simple, and yet can be very difficult to pull off. Why? Because you’ve been conditioned for years to have it be about everyone else (this may not be a far-off-the-mark issue year-round for some of you). What will cause the least hassle or upset “in the family” (usually your and your partner’s family-of-origin) often unconsciously (and consciously) sets the agenda and tone for the Holidays. I’m not advising that you turn into narcissistic anarchists, but I am suggesting that – as a starting place, at the very least – keying off of what you and your partner really want, as opposed to a conditioned sense of “This is what we have to (or should) do” is a darn fine start.

While I know tradition seems to be highly valued in our culture, they also can keep you (and your Holiday choices) rooted in a past that’s incongruent with where and how the current you want to be. So, I invite you to try this first step out, and see if it opens up a renewed sense of potentiality that gets you and your Partner excited about, rather than dreading, what’s coming up.

Another key way to change the Holiday game, as it were, is to actually go into the Holidays with the guiding perspective being, “How can I make my relationship with my Partner not only the best Christmas present to both of us that I could get (not buy), but have the Holidays be the best gift for It?” If you’re interested in exploring THAT one, then you’ll want to consider the online class I’ll be teaching December 6th, 13th, and 15th that will help you do just that. To find out more, I invite you to read about the complimentary call I’ll be doing this coming Thursday to share more about what I’ll be teaching and what it could do for your marriage/relationship below in the “What’s Geoff Up To Next” section.