Daily thoughts in the extraordinary life of an average single mom

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Strangeness abounds in this scene of chess.
The flight of birds that beat upon the heart.

The wonder of the spark
Hark!
Love is born.

And yet, in flight, a one-winged thing.
Flutters just above a watery grave.

The hunger of the heart
Restarts
And the love borne enflames.

The peach that whispers of sweet juices.
Filled with a stone pit, unbreakable and hard.
How I long for your arsenic center,
Knowledge against wisdom, it kills.

That twist of blue in the air
Inhaling the deep draw of unrequited
surrender. How I attempt your capture
but fingers only disturb you into oblivion.

I wish I could make you
see, you dandelion creature,
blown away. Without a trace.

I wish I could force upon you
to understand my language
of love. Left un-translated.

I wish upon a thousand stars
To know your color, to know
your scent. Describe us together.

That whine of despair inches deeper
A knife so cruel, it leaves me alone
to struggle against the smooth silver
Aiming for my heart that reaches out to you.

The scent of morning glories. Rising
like a sun. You breathe sweet love into
me, but steal away my breath with a smile
A word that does not match my own.

We love those we cannot touch.
And those that love us find no shelter.

The wonder of a heartbeat
Retreat!
Patterns that do not match our own.

I reach out for you seeing beauty
But your rejection stings my soul.

The hunger of a sacrificed love
Rove!
Find a home where you belong.

Perhaps this is all we find here, so delicate,
this creature of disjointed happiness.
The want of someone who looks to the horizon,
and finds another standing there.

How strange this game of chess, forever guessing another’s next move.
How strange this twisting, unraveling, hurt.
How strange, the whisper of the heart,
begging for just a small word of love.
How strange.

That soft flit-litting of the heart,
lips set upon another like the petals of some rare flower.
A pause, heart racing, freezing your limbs,
A thousand thoughts encompassed in one.
Love.
Fireworks without July, warmth without summer, quiet without snow. A thousand tiny stars studded in the inky heart of the sky, caressed by the full moon.
What salvation is there in memory? That bell still rings, hunting my soul. What grace is there in patience? If it is simply a lie of hesitation?
Countless millions lay upon that battlefield, howling for their lost heart. Weeping as the willow and crumpled amongst the hooves of the war horses.

How green the leaves that guard love, how delicate their veins. Full to brimming with succulent and glossy delights. So full of hope and joy. How easily torn and withered. How easily set ablaze, black smoke rushing to the eyes of some entity resting in heaven, speaking of its victory over truth. So many trees destroyed in the hope of love, so many petals torn.
And yet.
That sweet patter of the heart remains, ever hopeful. Ever baited with a wish that lies curled in a whisper, in the shine of an eye.
A whisper that feels and touches and tastes of tomorrows. ‘Someone to write upon my back, to sweetly terrorize my heart with deep longing. To make every breath a sonnet and every touch a letter of love, crisp and wispy like the cursive L. To beat a song into my bones, until, shaking with ardent surrender, I repeal.’
Run. Twin sets of black limbs and tails. Hearts racing. Feet gathered up, a release. Isn’t that all the heart yearns for? Someone to sing with into the night. Someone with which to run. Someone to understand its thoughts.

Do you ever watch a movie you watched as a kid and end up like, OOOOHH that’s what that was all about?

I do.

So, today I was watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the GOOD 1971 classic, not the new weirdo one with the squirrels. You 90’s kids know what I’m talking about) with my grandmother and my kid. Man, I love that movie. It was full of satire, people breaking into song, and lands beyond wonder.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but as a kid didn’t it seem like the part where the mom sings “Cheer up Charlie” lasted FOREVER?

I remember thinking, I don’t even know what this song is about. I’m going to fall asleep. Why is it taking so long?

But now when I watch it, the song lasted like 2 minutes. Wow. I had a short attention span.

And the meaning of the song is also new. I wouldn’t have really understood as I do now before I had a kid. She loves her son and hates to see him down and without hope. When she says that his smile is her sunshine, I totally understand. I love my boy, and when he smiles…it lights up my world. I want to give him everything and make it so that his smile never has to go away. That he would never be sad. And even if as a kid I would have paid attention long enough to know what the song was about, I wouldn’t have truly understood. And even as I sit there and really think about it, how must my mom feel when she sees me sometimes? When I’m bereft of hope and sad and dismal about my future? When I believe that I won’t find someone to love me? How much does she just want to see me smile and be joyous?

The song still sort of bores me, but on some level I actually enjoy it a bit more. Sorta.

I also never saw that Charlie’s mom was single. How did I miss that? Right in my face. She was working all the time, and in my mind..Well, I guess I just didn’t think about it. Hmmm.

Beyond that, how trippy was the tunnel with all the lights? Seemed like that scene lasted forever as well when I was young. Wonka was such a creeper in that scene. I mean, we all knew Wonka was a bit funky and a “do your own thing” dude, but that scene used to (and embarrassingly still does) make me a bit itchy behind the collar. I kept expecting him to suddenly start speaking in Latin and for his eyes roll to the back of his head or something.
GET THE HOLY WATER!

EESH. But I suppose it gave him an edge, you never knew what to expect!

Now that I’m older I more thoroughly enjoy the little jokes and irony within the names of things and statements of the characters (Adding shoes to “give it a kick”…hilarious. And Wonka’s random statements, LOVE IT!). I love the “hand hangers” and the fact that Grandpa Joe was revived by the magical powers of golden tickets and hope (and a sing and dance number of course).

I also adore that ridiculous teacher of Charlie’s..”I’ve just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we’ve learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn’t matter in the slightest”..Gotta love that humor.

It’s amazing how much life can change and how much it can change your perspective. Things you thought you were sure of once, are no longer are true. Things you thought you understood have now gained new depths.