Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Zach's feeling much better. He still can't breathe at night, which makes for a restless night for the both of us. I give him medication, I use a Vicks humidifier and rub Vicks rub on him. He had a small fever last night, but that could have been caused from the crying. He was crying because he was congested, but the more he cried, the worse it got. Poor guy. I really hope this clears up soon. I feel so bad for him. I'm exhausted and I know he is too.

I did the Wii for 30 minutes last night. I did the free step and burned 145 calories. Today for lunch I had a spinach salad and walked 2.15 miles. I burned 266 calories. I'm not feeling particularly well right now either. My stomach is doing flip flops. I ate a banana for breakfast and some peanuts for a snack. I've drank 2 24 ounce cups of water so far today along with a bit of coffee. Either I'm cutting too many calories from my diet or I'm getting the virus that's been going around. I hope I'm not getting sick. I'd worry about the kids too much if I did. How can you keep a toddler away from his sick mother when he knows she's just laying in bed? He'd want to crawl in bed with me and cuddle and cry when he wasn't allowed.

Zach has a doctor appointment tomorrow morning, so I'll be coming into work late. Its just his 2 year check up.

I've started a weight loss support group on Facebook and I think its going pretty well. I'm posting daily weight loss tips and daily recipes. We share our workouts, our gains and losses and anything else weight loss related or heath related. So far I only have 7 people in my group, but I just started it last night.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Very rough past few days. I came to work for only an hour on Wednesday because day care called me saying Zach had pink eye. He didn't and I know that he didn't, but I had to go get him. His eyes were a little crusty and he was rubbing them. That's it. So, I leave. And trying to get out of town while everyone is coming in to town for work is very difficult. Anyway... I get there and his eye looks fine. Its not pink, its not watery, nothing. We go home and honestly my days are kind of blurred together. He had a regular doctor visit on Thursday and I was going to go ahead and have his eye looked at then...but... 2 hours before his appointment on Thursday the office calls me and says they have to reschedule because the doctor called in sick. By Thursday though, his eye was starting to swell. I figured it was just allergies since we went through the exact same thing last year. Hubby freaks out and wants me to take him to the doctor. Friday, I call Lilly early in the morning and tell her I'm going to have to miss her awards assembly, but to call me when her father picks her up and tell me what all she got. Zach's eye is swollen almost completely shut by now. We go to Urgent Care early in the morning. Their hours are 9am-9pm and we get there right when they open. We walk in and theres like 15 people already there. Come to find out that they really open their doors at 8:45. I was trying to avoid this kind of situation because I didn't want Zach to catch whatever else everyone else had. There was 2 ladies in there that was there just because they were congested. Get some over the counter medication for that. Really? So... an hour and a half in the waiting room and we finally get a room. The doctor comes in for less than a minute and tells me its allergies. So off we go. Its finally snowing now and the road is covered, but I have to stop and pick up some Benadryl. We get home, I give him some meds and we have lunch then he goes down for a nap.... for only half an hour.
Saturday he was whiney and had diarrhea. I gave him Pedialyte that I had bought a couple days before. Oh, and he had a small fever on Thursday. He only took a 5 minute nap and then hubby wanted to go to Walmart. We did our shopping and went home. Zach didn't go to sleep until really late. He's congested, but the meds aren't working. I plug in the humidifier, but that doesn't work either. At midnight he starts coughing and gagging. By the time I make it in his room to turn the light on, he's throwing up in his bed. I take him to the bathroom to clean him off while hubby cleans up the bed. Hubby's in the kitchen gagging so I finish up and put Zach back to bed.
Sunday he wakes up early, goes all day without a nap so I put him to bed super early. He whines and cries a lot and hubby keeps telling me that he's sick. I tell him that he is exhausted and needs to sleep and after he sleeps we will evaluate him to see just how sick he is. Zach starts pulling at his ears and hubby says that he has an ear infection. I tell him no, that he does that when he's really tired and he just needs to sleep. Zach finally gets to sleep, but every 20 minutes he's awake and crying. He does this for a few hours until about 9:00 and he finally starts to sleep. We get up this morning and he starts coughing and gagging again and I know he's going to throw up so I grab a towel and put it under his chin. I hear him swallowing it but I tell him to spit it out and then he throws up 3 times. It all went in the towel except when he wiped his mouth off with his hand. Then he looks at the towel and says, "lookie there!" Silly boy. I know that he is throwing up because he is congested and has sinus drainage. Poor boy can't breathe. I sent him to day care today since he's not contagious and the throwing up is just drainage. No calls yet to come pick him up. I'm exhausted. Zach is exhausted. He has an appointment with the doctor on Wednesday, so I'll be late to work.
On a different note... I've decided that I want to write children's books. I've started on the first book, but have been busy with Zach that I haven't gotten very far. Bre is going to be my illustrator. I have ideas for a 10 book series to start off with. We are going to finish them all completely and then try to reach out to get published. After that series, I'll do one more series and then I'll move on to pre-teen books and keep moving up until I'm satisfied. I don't think coming up with ideas for children's books will be difficult at all. The first series is sort of about Lilly and her experiences and the second will be about Zach.
No weight loss this week, but I haven't gained. I think that's good since I was at home all week with a sort of sick baby. I'm back to my spinach salads with celery and cucumbers with a side of carrots for lunch and fruit for snacks. Wednesday I'm packing tuna. All week though whenever I cooked, I filled my plate half full of spinach. Tonight I'm cheating and we're having jambalaya mostly because its super quick, I'm tired, and hubby has a meeting tonight at the fire station.
Oh yeah... and Lilly got on the Principal's list again for having straight A's and they gave her a necklace with some charms for perfect attendance and each time they have an assembly and she had perfect attendance, she'll be given a charm to add to the necklace.
Now I have to start planning for Lilly's birthday. I know what I want to get her- CD radio, new headphones, lala looopsy doll, roller skates and a Selena Gomez CD.
I might get to go walking today. Its supposed to warm up this week, but its raining today. Maybe I'll find a break in the rain and get to go. Also, if everyone is feeling ok, I'll get to jump on the Wii today. I did on Wednesday and a little on Thursday. I need to go get me some 5 pound weights or something. I had 10 pound weights, but I'm letting Donavan use them.
I'm tired and I have a loooong day of work ahead of me. Hopefully I can get done what needs to get done today without falling asleep. I also hope Zach has a good day today.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The party went well. About 35 people showed up and only one of Zach's friends from day care. Zach lasted without a nap, he was a bit grouchy and a little clingy to me, but I think he did ok. I was up late Saturday night making the Mickey shaped cookies, coloring the icing, and cutting out Mickey shaped decorations. I think he had a lot of fun. He wasn't interested in decorating his cookie, but the other kids loved the idea. They were slapping on the icing and pouring on the sprinkles. Zach wasn't interested in opening gifts either. It took us forever to coax him into getting at least the guests gifts unwrapped. All that was left was our and hubby's mom's and I told hubby to just give him is Big Wheel. After he got his Big Wheel, he wouldn't get off of it. His legs are still a little too short to reach the pedals. Lilly ended up finishing opening his gifts. It was a good party. Everything went great. I invited some friends that I hadn't seen in about 10 years and they came with their kids. I was so happy they showed up. Now, its time to start planning for Lilly's and buying her stuff.
Hubby is still not at work. I won't start worrying until the end of the week if we still haven't heard anything.
I've lost 5 pounds since the new year!! I'm buckling down hard this week too. I bought a bunch of fruit and salad stuff. I just ate my banana for breakfast, I'm going to have a spinach salad with celery and turkey pepperoni for lunch and probably hot dogs for dinner. We have one package of hot dogs leftover from Zach's party. We could have probably had 2 leftover, but we made the extra package just in case. My ex neighbor came down last night and told me about a juice fast. She's really excited about and it got me excited about it. I'm going shopping around for juicers soon. She said to have one for breakfast and one for lunch and eat a regular dinner. No extra powder booster craps.. just fruit and veggies. She's lost 10 pounds so far. I might start out slow and just have one a day to see what it does to my body before I go any further. I think even if I didn't do this juice fast that having a juicer would be very beneficial to have in the house. I could make the kids some juice and pump them full of veggies without them even knowing. She said that she's going to start coming down on Monday's to do the Wii with me. She has a Zumba game for the Wii too. I didn't get to do much on the Wii last night. I was so far behind on my housework, I was trying to catch up. I was in the middle of folding 3 baskets of laundry when she came down. She just came for a regular visit. The kids were in bed and I was cleaning. She stayed almost 2 hours and we just talked. I kinda miss having her as a neighbor.
I took Tony for his interview yesterday. It was just a general interview to try to find him a job and place him somewhere. There's no openings through this temp agency close to where he lives yet. He stayed for dinner. It kind of sucked. I messed up the green bean casserole somehow and it was very soupy and my chicken casserole didn't get done in time. The center was still not done, but the top was burning. This always seems to happen when I cook for him and Bre. I'm usually a decent cook, but I tend to mess up when cooking for them.
I think that's about it for today. Its going to be very cold the next few weeks, so I probably won't be going walking, but I'm going to keep at my diet and exercising at home.
I'm taking this Friday off work because Lilly is having an awards assembly at school and then I'm just going home to sleep. Hopefully hubby will be back at work by then.

Friday, January 18, 2013

"Dear Lord, please bless my family and friends and keep them safe. Give me the strength to carry on each day and the knowledge to provide for my family. I ask for happiness and health for my loved ones and patience for myself. God, thank you blessing me with my wonderful children and my loving husband. Amen"

So... hubby might lose his job. Yesterday the foreman of the warehouse and him got into an argument and the foreman threatened hubby... there's even a few witnesses. Before hubby could report this incident to his supervisor, the witnesses had already reported it to their supervisor and then their's told his. The foreman left work and didn't come back. He was fired. Before hubby even made it back to the warehouse an email had been sent to everyone that the foreman is not allowed back on the property. Today, hubby and the foreman got called to HR to tell their side of what happened. Hubby got sent home and is having to take a drug test. I know he'll pass the drug test, but he can't go back to work until they tell him he can. I'm worried. What if they decide to let him go too? We can't afford for him to lose his job. We just bought a house. Even if I'm not paying day care, I can't take care of the house payment, utilities and groceries on what I make. If I dropped heath care and didn't pay day care, I might be able to do it, but we can't go without healthcare...can we?

I'm freaking out now. There's nothing I can do but pray and hope that everything turns out ok. He'll pass the drug test, but I don't know what's going on in their minds. Why did they send him home? He didn't do anything wrong.

Um.... I don't really have anything else to talk about. That's all that is occupying my mind right now.....

They only sent him home an hour ago. Any hopes of overtime, if he gets to go back to work tomorrow, is gone. But if he gets to go back tomorrow, at least its better than being fired.

Yeah... that's all I got. If I think of anything else, I do another post...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I think I'm at that point in my life where I'm ready for a change. I'm in a rut. Everything is too routine. I don't like my job and don't like most of the people I work with. I don't like my car. I don't like how run down I feel all the time. I don't like not sleeping. I don't like my weight. I don't like how my house doesn't feel like home. I don't like feeling alone. I don't like fighting with the kids every morning just to get them out the door. I don't like the pain I feel in my joints and muscles. I don't like this depression that I can't deal with alone anymore. I don't like the food that's in the house. I don't like my clothes. I just need some change. I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor to try to get help with the depression, the aches and pains and I'm possibly bipolar as well. I just can't deal with this all on my own anymore and I'm ready for some medication to help out. I need another job. One that I'm happy to go to every day. One where I'm not belittled so much. One where I don't have to worry about money as much. I need more time. I need time to arrange my house and get some pictures up. I need time to cook a great meal. I need time to spend with my kids. A lot of things seem to be going downhill. I have no energy, time, self confidence, friends, money, patience... I thought by keeping this blog up, it would help a little. As the tears flow down my face, I realize it hasn't. Things are difficult. I know things could be worse, but I'm struggling as it is now. I've tried to keep smiling through it all, but I just can't do it anymore. And I hate that my kids see me not happy. I don't think seeking talk therapy will help. I really need some medication. I am going to wait until the end of the month to make an appointment. Mostly because next week I already have Monday off for holiday and then Zach has a doctor appointment on the 24th, so I'll have to leave early for that and making my 40 hours is going to be tough. Can I make it 2 more weeks? I've lasted 13 years, what's 2 weeks, right?

I wish I had time to pick up a hobby, but when my time is rushed to make dinner, do homework, give baths every day... I don't really have time for anything else. And when I do something or go somewhere without the kids, I feel guilty. When I took Tony to the DMV last week and hubby had to pick Zach up from day care, my heart sank. I love my brother and I'm super glad I got to spend time with him and that I'm the one who took him to get his driver's license, but I thought of Zach the entire time. I knew Lilly wasn't wondering why I wasn't home because she was with her father. I can't talk to my mom about this because she'll just throw it back in my face like she does with everything else. I can't talk to hubby about it because he doesn't think its a big deal. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to. I haven't talked to my best friend in weeks and even if I did mention to her that I'm having these problems, she'll just change the subject to her own problems like she always does. I haven't gotten to tell her about anything that's going on in such a long time because I feel like she just doesn't care to listen to it.

Time to digress and move on. Last nights deer roast was good, but not plentiful. Zach didn't eat again last night. I got into a fight with Lilly half an hour before bedtime. She was just sitting on her bed watching tv and I asked her to go ahead and clean her bed off since it was covered in clothes and her school stuff and she started yelling at me saying that I always tell her to do so many chores. So.. of course, I yelled back and told her that I haven't asked her to do a single thing except to clean her bed off today and it has to be done is she wants to go to sleep. Then I told her that if she wants to complain about doing chores, I'll give her chores to do. She started talking back and I told her to just get ready and go to bed.

This morning, Zach woke up 10 minutes early. I was halfway ready when I heard him yell for me. I get him up and put him in my bed to watch tv while I finish getting ready. I get Lilly up, make my lunch, unlock the garage door, pack Lilly's snack, get them breakfast ready and pick out Zach's clothes. When I went in my room to get Zach ready, he started screaming and fighting with me. He didn't want to get dressed. I finally get him dressed and he just sits there and whines. Lilly comes in with a black velvet shirt on and dark blue jeans and her bright blue shoes. I tell her that her shoes don't match and her black ones would look much better and she screams at me, starts crying and stomps through the house. Zach ends up throwing another fit and lying on the floor... I have no idea what over. We get to the day care and I'm wrestling an umbrella since its pouring the rain while trying to get Zach out of the car. He cries when I put him down inside the day care so I can fold up mine and Lilly's umbrella. We get back to the classroom, I take off his jacket and then he throws himself on the floor again screaming for his jacket. This is my morning, almost every single morning. And then when I pick them up, its every thing all over again, but in reverse. I'm fighting with Lilly, Zach's throwing a fit, he screams all the way from day care to home in the car... its every single day. Then, its everything all over again. Dinner for Lilly and Zach, homework, dinner for me and hubby, shower for Lilly, bath for Zach, clean up from dinner, pick up toys that was drug out, change into pj's, put them to bed, get Zach's cup, take Zach's cup away, cover Zach up, turn off Lilly's tv, get Zach's cup, turn off Lilly's nightlight, take Zach's cup away, turn off Zach's tv, get Zach's cup, change his diaper, get his cup, cover him up, take his cup away... and then finally I take a shower and usually when I get out Zach's awake and yelling for his cup again. Change his diaper, get his cup, take his cup away, cover him up. I don't get to sit down and hubby wonders why I complain that I'm aggravated and in pain all the time.

Ok... maybe I've complained too much today. I'm just not in a good mood right now. I just got an email from boss guy saying that the department can't sponsor an event that my kids day care is having. He said there's no extra money in the budget. Well, ya know what... there was no extra money last year and he gave money to support 5 different organizations. I know this because I'm the one that had to give them the money! I bet if it was anyone other than me that asked, he would have done it. I need a vacation.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Still doing ok in my efforts at losing some weight. I'm down 3 pounds so far. I over did it yesterday and had a huge burrito for lunch and then ate 2 plates of spaghetti with meatballs for dinner. I did do half an hour on the Wii though. Its raining today, so I can't get out and walk, but I'm going to probably walk in the parking garage. Over the weekend I think I did pretty good. I think 3 pounds in 3 weeks is a great start. If only I can keep at it. I brought some left over spaghetti for lunch, just a little bit, and some veggies and fruit. I'm trying, but its getting hard. I miss my junk food. For dinner tonight, I put a deer roast in the slow cooker this morning with carrots, celery, potatoes, cream of mushroom soup and powdered onion soup mix. I'm hoping it comes out ok. I've never made it and its been such a long time since I've made a roast.

Yesterday, boss guy sent out an email wanting to know our goals that we have set for ourselves this year and to know if we accomplished the goals we made last year. A bunch of crap really. I send him an email back almost immediately. I'll even let you read it....

"I was given new assignments last year from different people that I didn't think I would be doing, so none of it was on my goal list for last year. I learned how to successfully fill out an expense report, book a flight (which I had never done before), order a catered lunch (again, never did this before) and do different kinds of reports even though I did have some difficulty. I've learned how to open the vault with ease now and how to go about giving an organization a donation, on my side anyway. I've learned about the cost centers and GL accounts and have taken on making sure the FedEx bill has been taken care of.

I don't remember all my goals that I had set for last year. I do know that I did not get around to learning account reviews, mostly due to my new tasks helping other people. Learning how to do account reviews are on my goals for this year.

My input mistakes have gone down for the year 2012 compared to 2011, I think. I don't have exact numbers, but I feel that I did much better.

I have learned more about DTCC and do the daily report for them. I've learned how to check and confirm balances on their system.

I've learned the process in which it takes to get a computer or printer in this office.

I've learned how to reimburse a non-employee for their travels.

I have been keeping a better eye on my time and making sure I don't get over-time.

My goals for this year would include:

-Learning how to do account reviews

-Keeping my input mistakes to a minimum

-Remembering to send out the Fortigent report every week

-Get my Housing files neat and more organized

-Stop procrastinating"

My co-worker told me I shouldn't have sent it because it has a rude undertone to it. I don't care. My immediate boss said that its the truth and there's no reason to sugar-coat it. I think I was as nice as I could have been. There's nothing in there that says that I didn't accomplish anything or that I was too busy. I tried to put a positive spin on it even though I really wanted to just tell him what I think.

Zach's feeling better. He actually ate yesterday. He ate most of his food at day care and then ate some dinner at home. I was getting worried. A boy that doesn't want to eat... there's something wrong there.

Lilly was all excited that she got 100% on her spelling test and was happy to show it to me. She's been doing really great this year and I hope that the excitement of learning stays with her like it did with me.

5 days until Zach's party!! I'm going crazy, I really am. I can't stop trying to plan things. And.. to top it off, I just figured out that I didn't even put a time on the invitations I gave to the kids at day care. So I guess if no one calls asking what time, they aren't coming. One kid is coming, Zach's best friend Noah, but his mom said that they'd be a little late since she has to work. That's fine. I'll try to wait to do stuff until Noah gets there. Here's things I still have to get-table cloths, cake, drinks, hot dogs, buns, condiments, balloons, helium tank, goodie bags, candy, sugar cookie mix, icing, sprinkles, crayons, bubbles and possibly a pinata. I guess I'm going shopping Friday. I'm going to try to get to leave a little early and hit up the dollar stores. I'm going to try to avoid Walmart if I can. I'm freaking out. I don't get paid until Friday, so I can't really go shopping until Friday. I did print off some Mickey Mouse coloring pages for the kids to color and I also printed off a Mickey stencil to make Mickey shapes and decorate with. I have a bunch of red paper and I need to get some black. As a person who never really had a birthday party, I think I'm a pretty good birthday party thrower.

Its 2 hours until lunch time and I'm starving already... I did skip breakfast and didn't even have any coffee today. I guess I'm going to go get my apple out and then get back to work. I have a lot I want to do today.

Monday, January 14, 2013

My weekend was odd. Hubby was being weird with family stuff. I don't wanna talk about it. Friday, I didn't go to sleep until 3 am and then Zach was up at 6 am. He helped me do laundry and we watched some tv and cuddled. When I went to run the dishwasher.... the drain in the basement overflowed with some nasty black water that smelled gross. I woke hubby up and he left to get some liquid plumber stuff. Worked long enough for me to run dishwasher again. The next day, I washed the big pots in the sink... and the same thing happened. The pipe from the kitchen is hooked up to the drain in the basement. Nothing else seems to make it overflow.

Zach wasn't acting like Zach either. He was kind of sluggish and extra whiney last night and he didn't eat much all weekend. I checked his temp and it was normal. I hope he's not getting sick. He got the flu shot back in October.

My brother passed his driving test! I picked him up and drove there. The DMV is in a small mall. I parked and let him drive around and I showed him the course...which really isn't much of a course. You drive around the mall and parallel park between 2 barrels. We waited an hour before he got to take his test. Parked perfect. He only lost points on something I nagged him about which is turning the steering wheel before switching gears. I'm proud of my bubby. Now we just have to get him a job. I've been looking for him and hopefully something comes up for him.

I can't believe that in one week, my baby boy is going to be 2 years old. It makes me so sad. He's just growing up so fast, I feel like I've missed it all. My heart is breaking that he's not my little baby anymore. He doesn't fit snuggly in my arms anymore. He doesn't need me to feed him anymore. He doesn't give me weird open mouth kisses to my cheek anymore. In 6 days, we are having his party. I'm so not ready. No one from day care has RSVP'ed, I don't have the food or goodie bags, I don't have all the decorations and I still want to get him at least one more thing. He did get his big wheel and hubby put it together. Looks good. I'm a bit worried since he's so young. The pedals move when the wheel moves and he can't really pedal, but we have a hill he likes to ride down in his Power Wheel and his other little ride on fire truck. But those don't have pedals. Maybe everything will be ok. I need to get him a helmet. I saw a Mickey helmet Saturday, but it was too big.

I got to talk to Lilly Saturday night. She said her show and tell went good. I asked her what the other kids brought and she said one brought a camera, one brought an iphone, one brought a tablet.... what? Second grade people!! Lilly took a Monster High doll. She said that they are having another one this Friday and she wants to take her gel pen set. So, while my kid is busy being a kid and playing with toys, the other kids her age have their own iphone and computers.

Weather was warm this weekend too. I had Zach out playing. Where's my snow?

Friday, January 11, 2013

My walk yesterday was quite short. I was afraid of getting caught out in the rain, but it never rained. I walked a little more than a mile and ended up getting a veggie sub at Subway on my way back to work. Last night I ate a deer steak and too much rice. I love rice. I can't go walking today since its raining. I ate 3 cheese roll ups and I cheated this morning and ate a cream cheese danish for breakfast. I've only drank water today though. I'm going to have to try to jump on the Wii tonight. I haven't lost any more weight.

Thinking about leaving work early to take Tony to the DMV to take his driving test. Its either that or go before noon tomorrow. If I can talk him in to going today, I won't waste more gas coming back to town. 20 miles. 40 miles round trip from my house to his. Then the gas to the DMV, probably 10 miles in another direction. Ok, looks like I can leave work in 1 1/2 hours to get my whole 40 hours in and he said we could go today. Its raining, so I'll be driving there, but I'll let him drive around the DMV a little to get the feel of my car. Now, I can spend all day Saturday with hubby and Zach. Hubby's wanting to go birthday shopping. There's still some decorations and gifts we need to get and I'm not sure if he wants to go ahead and get the food and stuff or not.

Last night at about 7:30, I told Zach that it was time to get him into his PJ's and change his diaper and calm down since it was almost night night time. He looked at me all excited and said, "Go night night" and he ran toward his room. By the time I got in there, he had a clean diaper in his hand and was standing at his bed. He was ready to go to bed. So, I changed him and put him in the crib and covered him up. He cuddled with his sock monkey and wanted his cup of milk. He watched tv for a little bit and was asleep by 9:30. Its weird that he was actually excited to go to bed.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Tuesday I walked my 2 miles and my feet hurt afterwards. I wore the my work shoes... with no support and the bottoms are almost wore off. So, I brought in my good tennis shoes to put on when I go out. Unfortunately, I couldn't go yesterday due to the rain, but I'm going to try to go today and maybe take a different route. I've got to push myself to get out there and get it done. I've sort of cheated a bit on my 'diet.' Tuesday, I hardly ate all day so I could treat myself to some KFC....and then I ate too much KFC. So, I told myself that I slipped up, but I'll be better tomorrow. Wednesday, I took 2 small chicken wings we had leftover for lunch, but then for dinner I had a calzone. I told myself when I opened the box, "Just eat half and put the other half in the fridge for lunch tomorrow." I should have just went ahead and put half in the fridge because I ended up eating all of it. This morning, I traded my cappuccino for an orange juice and I have no idea what I'm doing for lunch. I have a thing of chili in my desk that's 260 calories per serving...so all of it is 520 calories. Maybe I'll go to Subway and get a salad or something instead. I was going to jump on the Wii Tuesday night while hubby was away and the kids were in bed, but it took Zach forever to go to sleep and he yelled for me about every 5 minutes. I couldn't get a workout in, so I took 5 minute intervals of 'me time' and sat on my bed and watched some funny videos on my phone.

Last night, I was in bed for maybe 10 minutes and I swear my heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my chest. It was beating hard and fast and I couldn't breathe. I thought I was having a panic attack. Hubby got out of the shower and I hollered for him to come sit with me while I freaked out. It took me about half an hour to calm down and my heart rate to go back to normal. I just kept thinking about what would we do with the kids if I was actually having a heart attack or something and I had to go to the hospital and it just made me freak out more and I couldn't calm down. I don't know what triggered it. I don't know why it happened. Its not my first 'episode' though. I used to get them a lot when I was in high school and I had to wear a heart monitor for a week to try to figure out what triggered it. We never figured it out. I don't think I've had a problem like this since 2008 when me and hubby were in the process of separating. I remember hyperventilating and crying and second guessing my decision to leave. It only took us 2 months to get back together and work things out.

I got a little bit of decorations for Zach's birthday party from a girl I used to go to school with and am slowly starting to hang out with again... Rachael. I now have a Mickey happy birthday banner, a Mickey poster, a Mickey candle, Mickey cups, red and black plates, red and black napkins, some plastic dinnerware, black and yellow balloons, a Mickey cupcake stand, Mickey cupcake papers and some Mickey streamer. We still need to get some more balloons, helium tank, the cake, the food, the stuff for the cookies, a pinata (maybe), drinks, table clothes and goodies bag stuff for all the kids. This is going to be a huge party and I really didn't even mean for it to be.

Hubby's going Saturday to get Zach's Big Wheel for his birthday. I think after that, we'll be done. I don't want to get much since we just had Christmas and he has so much already. So far we have the t-ball set, 2 hotwheels cars, a push and go Monster truck and then his Big Wheel. If everyone I invite shows up and gets him just one thing... thats still too much stuff and I know hubby's mom will go overboard and get him a bunch of stuff.

Friday, Lilly's having a show and tell at school. She wants to take one of her Monster High dolls. She's going to her father's today and doesn't want to take the doll there so I'm going to drop it off to day care Friday for her and get it back from her after school. She hasn't had a show and tell since preschool and they did it once a week. I was getting tired of trying to figure out what she could take for show and tell.

I'm going to try to go out walking today before the rain hits again. I wouldn't mind walking in the rain if I didn't have to come back to work afterwards. I can't come in and look all professional with soaking clothes and rain hair and umbrellas are such a pain. If it is raining when I am able to go out, I'll walk in the parking garage. Its supposed to be warmish again today.

Oh... my Australian friends.. I hope all of you are safe. I read a couple days ago about the fires and was trying to figure out if I knew anyone in that area, but to tell the truth... I have no idea where any of you are. And... I just spent about 15 minutes on Google Maps on the street view in Melbourne. I think I know what I'm doing for the rest of the day. I'm traveling the world through Google Maps!

I must get back to work. Lunch is about an hour away and I have to figure out what I'm doing.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Last night I did a little bit of crafty stuff with the kids. Lilly was working on her box for Valentines day, the box that kids put cards in at school. Zach scribbled and I showed him how to trace his hand and he kept giggling, telling me it tickled. We are almost done with Lilly's box, I'm making her take a couple days breaks since we still have a month before its due.
Jumped on the Wii last night for an hour after I put the kids to bed and I'm walking today during my lunch hour. 2 miles! Also going to do the Wii again tonight. It kicked my butt last night.
I can't stop yawning today. I'm still so tired. I thought that exercising was supposed to give you more energy. Why am I more tired then?
For lunch, I'm having 2 simple cheese roll ups and an apple. For dinner, I'm cheating a little and having fried chicken. I'll eat half of what I usually do though.
Handed out zachs birthday invitations to 7 kids at day care instead of 5 like I originally thought I'd do. Found out one of the little girls had 3 older brothers. That's 3 more kids I didn't take into account. I think this may turn into a disaster. I've invited way too many people. Hopefully not all of them will show up.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Weight loss is off to a good start. I've lost 2 pounds since the beginning of the year! Its a small step on the long road I'm on, but I'm willing to test myself. Tonight, when I get the kids in bed, I'm getting on the Wii and working out with that. Same thing tomorrow. Every night that hubby has a meeting at the fire station, I'm jumping on the Wii. It looks like the weather is going to be warm enough to take my first 2 mile walk at lunch tomorrow. I'm actually kind of excited about it. Eating less is my biggest challenge. I did bring some of last night's dinner for lunch today, saving money!! I haven't gotten to really do any crafty things with the kids yet. I'll try to work on that. Lilly did make me a friendship bracelet last night, I helped her out a little bit.

I haven't been sleeping very well at all lately. Even on the nights Zach sleeps, I can't. I get these bad leg cramps in my calves and that wakes me up. I have dull pain my hips and knees that keep me up. Last night, though..... I did take some pain meds I had left over from having Zach. I slept so great and woke up without any pain. I only took one, and it says to take 2 for pain. I think I need to go to the doctor over this pain. I'm only 26. Zach slept through the night. I accidentally forgot to turn off his radio and that may have helped him a bit. That and his nightlight.

I took Tony out driving Saturday. At first we were both a little nervous, he swerved and I called him a little drunk man. I made him drive to the gas station from his house, about 5 miles I think. It was the first time he drove my car. Then we drove to the elementary school by his house and practiced parallel parking and then I made him practice backing up. I told him to drive to the end of the school and we got there and there was no where to turn around. I said, "Now, back up so we can go park." He freaked out a bit, but did it with no problems. I think he's ready to take his test, but I really don't think he's ready to drive in traffic. I'm going back and forth about letting him drive to the DMV to take his test. There will be a lot of traffic and merging. I think I'll let him. Hubby's coming with us because he has to get our addressed changed at the DMV.

I also took Tony and Bre to Walmart to show them how to shop for food. They had $60 to spend. We got everything on their list, plus some, plus new pans to cook with. I'm so good. All they really wanted was eggs, cereal, sandwich stuff and pizza. We got 24 case of soda, big huge bag of cereal, 2 ham and cheese packages, ketchup, 5 pounds of ground burger, buns, 4 small pizzas, 2 boxes of pancake mix, dozen eggs, 2 double pack boxes of hamburger helper, loaf of bread and 3 pans. They'll be ok for a while. I'm still looking for Tony a job and Bre applied at the day care that's close to their house. She can walk if necessary. Neither one of them drive yet and they don't have a car. I'm working on that. I'm trying to find Tony a job before his savings runs out so he can use his savings to get a car, then we're going to work on getting Bre to drive.

I'm doing good planning Zach's party. A girl I know has a lot of Mickey Mouse decorations left over from her son's birthday and she's giving it all to me. I'm printing off invitations today for Zach's friends at day care. I've already invited some people through Facebook. If everyone that I invite show up, there's going to be 17 kids under the age of 10 there. I don't really have much of anything planned. Decorating cookies and I'll have a bubble machine going. I'm going to search today to see if I can come up with any good toddler games. I think if I just blow up a bunch of balloons, they'll be happy.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Another day, another dollar down the hole. I just got paid today and I can't believe my eyes. Ok, I'd like to say that I can't believe my eyes, but this country is going down the toilet, so I can believe it. I'm already struggling as it is and they had to go raise my taxes and my healthcare. My deductions this time around is almost as much as I got to take home. I just.. I'm speechless. I've applied to 3 jobs today in hopes of either more pay or a better health insurance plan.... or something. A couple weeks ago, I applied to work for the state and am expecting them to make a decision this month. If I don't hear anything soon, I know it wasn't me that they chose. I'm starting to regret who I voted for for president even though he didn't get the electorial votes from my state. Flabbergasted.

I do believe that's the first time I've used that word...

I had a very weird dream last night and I woke up feeling that it was so real. I was in between awake and asleep when I had this dream, I think that's why it felt so real. Hubby woke me up (in real life) when he was getting ready for work, like usual. I fell back to sleep, as usual and then I heard noises. I was either dreaming or they were real, I can't tell. I think it was still him shuffling around the house. I remember feeling scared and seeing a shadow of a figure in my bedroom, awake or asleep, I'm not sure. Coulda been hubby, but I coulda been dreaming. After the shadow left, it came back again.. I'm sure I was sleeping this time because I said something and it darted out of the room very quickly. But still.. at the time, I thought that it was real. I woke up and unplugged my phone, putting it beside me in bed knowing that my alarm was going to go off soon, in real life. Fell back to sleep. All this happens in a matter of minutes and then the weird dreams start, where I'm half awake and it feels real. Something grabs the blankets off me, grabs my arm, gets behind me and pushes me out of bed. I can't see anything or anyone. A bunch of really weird noises then come from my bathroom. I leave my room to go to Lilly's room and wake her up. I take her to Zach's room and there I use the house phone (we don't have a house phone) to call hubby's cell. It goes straight to voicemail. I peek out of Zach's room and then the sweeper in the hallway comes on my itself, the tv in the living room comes on, all the cabinets in the kitchen open and I poke my head back in the bedroom and try to call hubby again. Voicemail. There's loud banging on the door the exact time that he calls me back and I tell him that I can't live in this house anymore, that there's something there. He thinks I'm joking. Noises start coming from Zach's room, so I take the kid and run to my bedroom where I grab a Bible, open it up to no particular page, hold it up and say "I command thee to leave this room permanently and immediately!!" while I'm still holding the phone with hubby on the line. I then go to my bathroom and do the same. I tell the kids to stay in the bedroom while I head to Lilly's room where everything is coming on and making static noises. I do it there too. As I'm saying the words, the noise gets louder, but after they are said, the noises stop. I do this in every room and then I wake up.. in real life. I sit up straight in my bed and look around at the blankets that are still on me. I look towards the kitchen and its pitch black. I knew it was a dream, but it felt so real and when I woke up, I was so confused. And for me to remember it in such detail is weird. I haven't watched anything scary in a long time and I didn't eat anything weird yesterday or late at night. I don't know why I would have such a dream and have it feel so real.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

We seem to make a lot of happy cookies in my house. Well... Here's another one. I love happy food!!

I just wanted to remind everyone to keep your eye out for smiles and friend and email your pictures to smilesareeverywhere@gmail.com and tell me your story about your picture. I notice that my blog is having good traffic and page views, so I know you're out there. Help me spread the happy!!

EDIT: and I just noticed that I posted this on the wrong blog... oh, well.. I'll keep it up. Enjoy the happy cookie!!

No sleep last night. Lilly's nose was stuffy and then she had a nightmare. Zach was just being weird. He started at 11:30 and it continued until 4:30 and the 3:00 hour he was just yelling my name over and over again until I went in there, but then he didn't want anything. A couple of times through the night, he wanted his cup, then he wanted covered up, but most times, he just wanted me to stand there and look at him. He has a night light now, and its helped most nights, but it was just a restless night.

We watched the new Batman movie last night and I think I kept having weird dreams because of it. I can't remember them. I didn't sleep long enough to remember. It was a good movie. I think its the best by far and I'm anticipating the next one. I've always thought that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was an excellent actor, but man... did he do fantastic in this movie! And bonus points for Morgan Freeman...LOVE HIM!

Ok... I don't really have much to really write, so bear with me today because I'm going to ramble. Lets see... my weight loss plan is off to a slow start. I'm just so tired. I did eat less than usual for dinner last night and I'm still working on my left over pizza from a couple nights ago for my lunch today. I have plans to go walking during my lunch hour, but its been really cold and I'll be walking by the river, so it'll be freezing. Its going to warm up a little next week, and I'll be out. I've mapped out the route I want to take and the round trip is a 2 mile walk. I think that's a great start. Walk 2 miles a day, watch what I eat, take the stairs instead of the elevator... I got this.

I saw this thing on Facebook, its the 'money challenge.' Here's what you do.. whichever the week of the year it is, that's how much money you put back. First week, save $1. Second week, put back $2 and so on. At the end of the year you have over $1,300. I'm going to try to do this, but I'm not going to pressure myself. Money is super tight. I think this is a good way to insure that I have money put back for Christmas. I have $50 coming out of every paycheck and going to my Christmas account, so at the end of the year I'll have 1,200. If I can still do both, I can treat myself to a little something extra special for Christmas this year.

Ok, Ok......

I'll move on now.....

Zach's birthday is only a couple weeks away. I have this plan to make Mickey Mouse shaped cookies and then let the kids decorate them with icing and sprinkles and candy. I think its a good thing for toddlers. Its gives them something to do and if something happens to pop in their mouth, its ok. I don't really know what else to do. Anyone have any ideas? There's going to be about 7- 2 year olds, 3- 4 years olds, a five year old, a seven year old and a nine year old...that I can think of right now. I'm thinking about bringing a lot of balls and just letting the kids play with the balls and balloons. I'll have a bubble machine going too, off in one corner. And I'm thinking of serving hot dogs... its going to be a Mickey Mouse themed party and they do the hot dog dance and stuff... so I figured that hot dogs were fitting. I'm aiming for red, black and white balloons, but then I also thought that every color would be ok since all the characters are a different color. Goofy wears orange and has a green hat. Minnie wears pink. Donald, blue, Daisy, purple. I don't know yet. I wonder if I can find some cheap Mickey ears anywhere. Or.. maybe for the girls, we can decorate bows.. for Minnie and the boys can make a goofy hat... or is that too advanced for toddlers? I just can't believe that my little man is already turning 2. Time goes by waaaaayyy too fast.

I'm perfectly content with my 2 wonderful children, but part of me wants another one. I can't afford one right now and that's my main reason. Day care costs too much and I'm barely making it as it is. I just really hate the thought of me being only 26 and done having kids when I have so much love to give. I feel like my purpose in life is to be a mother and I feel that its the one thing that I do right. My kids are always smiling, always happy. They are healthy, well cared for and they know they are loved. I just wish I could let another kid feel all this love that I have. If in 5 years, I'm still in no position financially to have another, I guess I really will be done.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Happy New Year to everyone! We did it! We are here. Things have been crazy and things have been great. I've been busy, but I'm ready to bring on some more. This year, I'm making changes. I mean it this time. I've come up with plans and I'm sticking to them. You guys are my witnesses. This year, I'm losing weight. At least 25 pounds this year. That's about 1/2 a pound a week. I still won't be at my target weight, but I'll work on it some more. I'm weighing in and I'll keep you updated on my losses as well as my gains. I'm walking, I'm drinking water, I'm cutting my dinner in half and taking the other half for lunch to work. So not only will I be eating less, I'm saving money by taking my lunch.

I'm also going to set aside one day a week to do crafty things with the kids. I want more homemade ornaments on my tree next Christmas. I want handmade picture frames and painted nick-nacks. I want Popsicle stick artwork and macaroni glued to paper.

I'm going to work on being more social and try to squeeze 2 more people into my close friends circle by next year. I'm going to find a way to make time for friends.

Every other month, I'm treating myself to a movie either by myself or I'll invite a girl from work... also in an attempt to get to friends. I'm making "me" time so I won't go so crazy.

I'm going to be more patient. I'm going to count to ten and take deep breaths when I get upset or angry.

I'm going to try to try out a new recipe once a week. Money kind of becomes an issue here, but I'm going to try.

Ok...with that out of the way.. here's how my vacation went.

I stayed busy. It was craziness. The Friday before Christmas I spent wrapping gifts and cleaning up. I also went shopping for last minute gifts. I ended up buying the kids a sled. We were suppose to go to mom's that Saturday, but she called telling me she was sick. So, we go shopping. After shopping, me and the kids hang out while hubby goes out. Sunday.. I can't remember much. We made cookies for Santa and a bunch more just for us. We used our colored cookie dough. Monday-Christmas Eve is when we opened our gifts. The kids had a blast. Zach got tired of opening stuff and wanted to play. We took them outside to play with their new outside toys-Lilly's electric scooter and Zach's firetruck Power Wheels. Then, we had to hurry and clean because hubby's family was coming over to have breakfast and do Christmas with Lilly since she was leaving for her father's that night. I made 18 muffins-3 different kinds, 30 sausage links, 6 sausage patties, 16 biscuits, 2 packages of gravy, a dozen scrambled eggs, 18 scrambled eggs with ham chunks mixed in and we also had orange juice, chocolate milk and coffee. Everyone was starving when they showed up. I had over half left over when they left. Lilly opened gifts from them and the other kids opened gifts from us. They played and had fun. After that we went to my grandma's for her to have Christmas with Lilly and meet her father there. My dad got her a build your own Monster High key chain and I made him do the first one with her. He was so aggravated when he got done that he apologized for getting it. HA! After grandma's and after Lilly had gone, we went to hubby's uncles house for dinner. We ate, Zach got covered in cat hair.

Christmas morning we woke up and lounged around until about 9:30 when we went to hubby's parent's house. We had breakfast and opened gifts there. Zach got a new Mickey Mouse blanket that hubby's sister made for him. We packed up and headed to get Tony and Bre to go back to my grandma's house. We had dinner and opened gifts. After grandma's we went to hubby's sister's house for more dinner.

Wednesday- I went back to grandma's house to get Lilly. I took Tony and Bre out to eat as well as the kids. We hung out at grandma's until hubby got off work.

Thursday-I packed gifts into the car and went to my other grandma's house, stopping to get my brother and his girlfriend, to do Christmas with mom and then my other brothers and ex-step dad. I dropped Tony and Bre off and headed home with both the kids asleep.

Friday- I took the kids to the mall, stopping at my work to show Lilly our safe deposit box. Lilly got a haircut. Zach slept through lunch. I dropped Lilly off to her father when he got off work. When I got home, hubby was already gone to go to the camp to hunt.

Saturday-Me and Zach cleaned the house up and my grandparents came down for a visit. Hubby came home late. He got a deer and gave it to one of our neighbors since we already have 3 in the freezer.

Sunday-Hubby didn't get out of bed until 1:00 and we went to Walmart.

Monday, New Year's Eve- I was lounging around with Zach, reading my book, watching Mickey Mouse and having tickle fights while Hubby was at work. At 2:00 I get informed that his family is coming over for a party. So, I change out of my PJ's, take a shower and clean up. They come over at 7:00 and don't leave until 2 in the morning. Zach stayed up the whole time.

Tuesday-I told hubby the night before that this was going to be my only day to treat like a vacation and he was getting up early with Zach. 8:30, Zach wakes up, wakes me up, so I wake hubby up and he won't get up. I was soooo mad. I'm still kinda mad about it. He didn't get out of bed until after noon. I went in there and told him to get up every half an hour. Zach was acting like a little drunk man, so I know he was still very tired. But.. at 4:00, hubby decides he wants to go out shopping. We get in the car and within minutes Zach is asleep. We get to the store and have to wake him up and he cries the entire time while I'm trying to rush hubby. We get home and I just want the day to be over.

This morning, I had no problem getting Zach up. I told him he was going to school today and he jumped up, "Tabbi and Noah!" That's his girlfriend and best friend. He hadn't seen them in almost 2 weeks, so he was very happy to see them. When I drop him off this morning, he was so excited he didn't even bother to tell me goodbye.

I get Lilly back today and we have to get her room cleaned up.

Zach's birthday is the 21st. I'm wondering where I'm going to put every thing. I might have to limit how many things people get him.

Ok, that's the rundown without big details. I was on vacation for almost 2 weeks, but didn't actually get a vacation day. So, I'm ready... anytime now. I might take one here soon.

OH, and we still haven't gotten much snow. Just enough to barely cover the ground with the grass poking through.