Never Try to Please Abusers – Focus On You!

So many of us are in abusive relationships. We seek someone’s approval day after day and keep running into a blockade of judgment and criticism. We can travel to the Sun and back to earn the abuser’s love, attention and affection. We do whatever they ask us to do, but we always fall short in their eyes.

We must be doing something wrong here, right?

The truth is, we are not just doing something wrong. We desire the wrong thing.

And to find what we truly desire, we need to face some hard truths.

An abuser will not stop.

Their manipulative behavior is fixed in their habits and thought patterns. They learned it way back in their childhood from their families and close social circles. Changing years and decades of childhood conditioning is incredibly hard and gets harder with age. The longer a person believes a set of statements and behaves in a certain way, the more set and natural such mindset becomes.

How to prevent manipulation.

The best way to stop them from victimizing you is to set and enforce your boundaries and to steer away from their triggers. Learn how much you can take without getting hurt and draw a line in the sand. When your abuser is about to cross the line, avoid them by being firm and calm. Know their triggers and how to make them feel as if they are still in control.

You cannot change an abuser.

Unless our abuser becomes aware of their behavior and genuinely wishes to change it, all our attempts to lay the situation bare will be for naught. And if we are terrified of our abuser, our attempts will not even see the light of day.

All you can do is accept it.

It is not your responsibility to change them. Your priority is taking care of yourself, as nobody knows your needs and wishes as good as you. Your abuser is a separate entity with their own agenda and mindset. You cannot control their reactions, but you can control yours.

Abusers are dysfunctional.

The first requirement of success is being a healthy human being. And I do not mean we must have no physical disabilities. I speak of a mature, responsible, self-aware, empathetic and humble being who sees life for what it is and treats everyone fairly, including him- or herself (or however we wish to self-identify).

Abusers do not fit that description. They are dysfunctional and not someone to look up to. They may be financially successful, have several certifications and qualifications and be experts in their fields. Unfortunately, they cannot form healthy relationships with themselves and others, and most, if not all, of their “friends” are victims of their manipulative behavior.

Heal yourself and stay healthy.

Stop looking up to your abuser and find someone healthier to admire. Look around for role-models, keep in mind celebrities and regular folks alike and without judgement, but with caution.

Most importantly, seek healing through self-awareness. Learn your needs and wants, set and keep your boundaries and do what you have to do. Open up to yourself and to others and never hesitate to seek and receive help. You will fail and suffer, and that is normal – nobody is perfect and nobody has to be, including you.

Abusers cannot nurture you.

They likely received abuse from their parents, family members or other authority figures. That means our abuser cannot nurture us, because, as a child, they did not experience what being nurtured is like. No matter how hard we try, we will get nothing in return, only more manipulation and judgment.

Find nurture in healthy relationships with yourself and others.

A healthy relationship is the most healing experience, and the first person you need to set one up with is you. Learn what makes a relationship healthy and find a reliable mentor or a therapist you can resonate with. Do not be afraid of being picky and analyze potential friends and partners – you do not want to end up in another cycle of abuse.

Start right now!

There are no martyrs in an abusive relationship and staying will only hurt and make it worse. The only way is out. Break the cycle of abuse as soon and as fast as possible. You deserve freedom, independence and happiness, and you will never find them next to abuse.