Sunday, December 14, 2014

Not Sponsored by the Perfume Industry

Today my Sunday newspaper came with about a jillion perfume samples. Yes, I still subscribe to the newspaper.

I'm cool that way.

At this time of year the paper is thick with ads for Christmas gift-giving. Perfume is a popular choice, because it's overpriced and serves no practical purpose, which I guess is how people say "I love you"?

Actually, I don't dislike perfume. It's just that I have so many other products, all trying so very hard to smell nice, that I can't see adding one more to my person that doesn't even serve any other purpose except to be fragrant. At least my scented lotion keeps me from having snake-skin.

No offense to snakes, but this is not a good look for me.

Anyway, two large department store chains (that sound like "Schmillard's" and "Schmacy's") had ads that were more like mini-magazines stuffed with perfume strips. If I suffered from sensitivity to scent, I would be pissed at Schmillard's and Schmacy's for subjecting me to such misery. But I don't, and I love perfume samples. So I thought I'd review some of them, in case you're in the market for expensive toilet water this holiday season.

First up is J'Adore by Dior. Back when I wore perfume on a semi-regular basis, my favorite was Dior's Dolce Vita. But this is not that. J'Adore is kind of a generically sweet scent - eh. Plus it has those weird commercials with Charlize Theron being all glowy. And Schmillard's wants me to fork over fifty bucks for a small bottle of shower gel that smells like it. Next.

Not saying Photoshop is involved here, but skin doesn't do that.

Then there's Si by Giorgio Armani. This has "deep blackcurrant nectar, airy florals and musky blond wood." It's not unpleasant, but it sort of reminds me of a higher-end version of the potpourri air freshener that my grandma used to have in her bathroom. In a romantic situation, I don't want my partner or myself to make that particular association. Sorry, Armani.

Moving on, we come to My Burberry. This is supposed to smell like "a London garden after the rain." It does smell flowery. Really, really flowery. Like the floral department in a grocery store. That's...not a good thing. Especially not a $40 an ounce. I'd rather smell like the rotisserie chicken stand, tbh.

This is what drives a man wild.

Michael Kors has three different samples on one page. That's smart: Throw it at the wall and see what sticks, Michael Kors. OK, there's Glam Jasmine. This smells like lawn clippings. There's Sporty Citrus. Oooh, I like this one very much, although it doesn't smell sporty or citrus-y. I would probably call this Zippity Swish, which is why they don't let me name perfumes. Finally, there's Sexy Amber. Wow, that's an unfortunate name, because to me it smells just like baby lotion. Good job, Michael Kors. Maybe Zippity Swish isn't so bad, after all.

Hey, I just noticed that Schmacy's ad features a lot of the same samples as Schmillard's. Well, that's silly. Let's see, here's one: Modern Muse, by Estee Lauder. This smells like...perfume. I guess. This may be the most generic thing ever. Buy this for someone who has only read about perfume in books. There's also something called Modern Muse Chic. Which makes me sincerely appreciate the generic quality of original Modern Muse. Good grief, this smells like sadness and aching.

Now we come to Donna Karan's Cashmere Mist. I can't say I love this one, but the name actually fits the scent. It's very, very soft. At the very least, it doesn't smell like all the others. I'm conflicted about Cashmere Mist. Is that a good thing for a perfume? I don't know.

Finally, there's Coco Mademoiselle by, of course, Chanel. And Chanel scores. I think every woman has her own idea of what perfume is supposed to do for her. Pretty sure this one does it for me. Oh my gosh, I want to be the woman who smells this way. And I can, for only...$115 for a quarter-ounce? Dear baby Christ.

I can't afford to smell that good.

Looks like it's back to Bath & Body Works with me.

You know, the Cashmere Mist is starting to grow on me.

But I'd rather have a cashmere sweater. Feels better on my snake-skin.

I *am* sensitive, and I *do* get pissed off at magazines that send me perfumed ads this time of year, especially since I'm on the "do not send me scented ads" list. It's like they think that as long as it's in December-for-Christmas, I won't mind so much.

Why are people so shy about asking others who bath in perfume to stop doing that? It took me three days to tell the woman at work who wore so much perfume, she was standing in a puddle, that she was giving me migraines, and then everyone in the office kept taking me aside to praise me, speaking sotto vocce so she couldn't hear.