Yes, last week we did get some new
furniture. It is a nice change of pace from the clutter that seemed
to take over most of the apartment. And that corn tree we got? It does
fit in quite nicely. It's like being greeted every morning in the family
room by a butler made of leaves. Until we actually had to water the fucker.

Yeah, it's only once a month (a low maintenance plant -- a huge selling
point at the time) but it's still big, clumsy and a little heavy. The
plant store people suggested we water it in the bathtub. So we carry this
corn tree through the apartment, stepped over coffee tables, negotiated
around migrant chairs, tangoed with it a little, and brought it into the
bathtub for its monthly soak. We forgot how big it was, however, and got
its bulky limb caught on the shower curtain, causing us to violently fall
into the tub, resulting in a bruised forearm and a face covered in potting
soil. Yes, living in a "grown up" apartment is a blast. It is.

Anyway, we're sure this fine batch of humans who have graciously submitted
their plucky words and ideas have never been assaulted by a corn tree.
If they did, we would've heard about it already. And if any of you are
ever assaulted by any type of tree, animal, or home appliance, please
use the form to the right and let us know about it. We need you.

-- BT

The Black Table
needs your help! Every week, we need reviews of the latest media-related
crud, new products from Capitalists and odd idea, concept or trend. All
you need to have is a sharp opinion that you can distill down to one paragraph
of 150 words and give a letter grade. To submit, please fill out the form
below. Entries may edited for length, style and clarity. Hit us with your
best shot. Fire away.

Name:

Email Address:

Item Being Reviewed:

Type your review here. And remember
to add a letter grade, or else we'll make one up and embarass you in
front of all your friends:

Before you submit anything, ask
yourself the following: Have I put a grade on my review? Have I read
this thing at least once? Will anyone care what I wrote? If the answer
is NO to any of those questions, break down and cry, knowing you're
a failure who can't do anything right. You stupid face head moron!

THE NEW YORK TIMES SELECT: Until recently, one the things that
dulled the pain of working a corporate desk job was being able to read
The New York Times online and free of charge, particularly their
Op-Ed section. Bob Herbert's righteous outrage at the shabby treatment
of America's working class or Paul Krugman's latest intellectual bitch-slapping
of the Bush administration makes for good reading any time. Recently though,
all the news that's fit to print will now cost you, as the Times is charging
money for people to read their more popular articles online. Advertisements
promise "exclusive online access" to Times columnists. Will
Thomas Friedman call us to chat about the wonders of globalization? Will
Maureen Dowd give us our own obnoxious nicknames? Doubtful. The Old Gray
Lady has become a money-grubbing harpy. D- -- Matt
Sheehan

FRUIT FLY WAR: You were waiting in ambush as soon as I stepped
into the apartment; flying lazily and erratically around my kitchen nook.
Dozens, maybe a hundred troops ready to claim my land as your own. Oh,
I was shocked by your audacity and chutzpah, but I was poised as always
to defend my homeland.

Every fruit and vegetable in my humble abode was torched within
ten minutes of my arrival. Vacuum tube in hand, I chased your forces through
my pantry, over my living room, and into my bedroom. However, you proved
too swift for my strategy! A new plan was in order: a half-drunk glass
of orange juice left innocently on the kitchen counter. I knew you could
not refuse its temptations, vile enemy. Returning home from work, I saw
at least fifty of your troops drawn to my trap. Victory! A plastic bag
and a trip to the dumpster had now decimated your troops. Take no prisoners!
You fought valiantly for days afterward, but the vacuum proved too formidable
a foe! Having your apartment invaded by an army of disease-ridden fruit
fuckers? F. The thrill of battle? A! -- SM

DATING A MAN WHOSE THREE-YEAR-OLD HAS EYES: "I'm gonna lick
you!" "Eew. Please don't." "I'm gonna lick you like
a lollipop!" She looks up at me and flutters her eyelashes and I
realize I've seen that look before -- on her father. When he's...um...let's
just say licking can be involved there as well. She proceeds to lick me
on the arm, maintaining eye contact the whole time, with a stare any outsider
would assume was mischief and amusement. I hope. I shudder. The Dad: A+.
The Daughter: A+. That I now see that look in his eyes and hear,
in a sweet toddler voice, "I'm gonna lick you!": D. --
Stacie

STAYING FRIENDS JUST TO GET A KICK ASS HALLOWEEN COSTUME: So I
met this guy out one night , who I figured was hitting on me, but he was
really funny and seemed genuine, so I chatted with him for a while and
actually thoroughly enjoyed it. I decided that while I didn't want to
date him I did want him as a friend, as I just moved to LA and needed
some cool people to hang with. Unfortunately my desperation blinded me
to every cheesy line he used, even the old "I'm not trying to sound
pervy, but I really just need to use your bathroom." Cut to three
hours later when I want to go to bed and he's still in my apartment. Being
the slut bag whore that I am, I assess that the easiest way to get rid
of him is to just suck it up and sleep with him. But just as I'm about
to dismiss him from my life forever he informs me that he also does special
effects makeup and can do some crazy shit for Halloween costumes. I love
Halloween! So what if I have to play along with his stupid advances for
the next couple weeks? I'm gonna be the best bludgeoned/bullet-ridden
zombie whore you've ever seen! A- -- CRIDLEY

AYN RAND FANS: I have a lot of random strangers write me via Friendster.
In the rare occasion that they say something compelling enough to make
me click through to their profile, I am frequently let down when I discover
that they list "The Fountainhead" or "Atlas Shrugged"
as one of their favorite books. Gee, who knew that so many single men
in New York considered themselves practicing objectivists? Didn't this
go out of style in college? Do you have an inkling what objectivists believe?
Do you even know that her name is NOT pronounced "Ann"? Are
you just trying to prove that you are smart enough to read really, really
long books? I'm not sure what you're trying to say in your profile by
touting your love for Ayn Rand, because here's what loving Ayn Rand says
to me: that you are a preachy, dour, merciless, humorless, compassionless,
pedantic, overbearing gloat. Yes, I've read "The Fountainhead."
If you consider Howard Roarke to be your perfect man, I don't consider
you to be mine. So quit writing me. D -- Erin
Schulte

BASEBALL PLAYOFFS SPARKING NICKELODEON GAME SHOW NOSTALGIA: So
it's getting a little colder outside. Schools are in full swing and everyone
can expect to be pulling out their windbreakers and Isotoners for the
coming months. Along with this magical time of the year, come the major
league baseball playoffs; the most useless event in modern American culture.
Every time I hear about baseball or happen to flip past a game on television,
I am reminded of an episode of Double Dare I saw when I was a child; God
knows why I still remember it. Double Dare -- that crude, family based
show from Nickelodeon hosted by Mark Summers. Double Dare had a challenge
based on baseball, except that both contestants dressed up in chef's outfits,
wore black moustaches, pitched meatballs and swung at them with large
loaves of bread. I think that explains itself. Do the baseball fascists
that always take over opinion columns this time of year know that most
people care more about their toenail clippings than some trouser-stain
gushing about their favorite team? Does the rest of the world have to
suffer because your filling that abyss in your life with a sport that
you'll never play? Baseball Commentary: F-, Nickelodeon ripping
on Italians: A+ -- Greg

POORLY THOUGHT OUT BUMPER STICKERS: Never been much of a bumper
sticker person. Except in high school when I thought a truck stop bought
"Honk if yer horny" sticker was the first step to finding loose
women where ever my '73 Volkswagen Bus took me. The thing I've never understood
are the folks who slap a statement making sticker on the back of their
car and proceed to defy that statement. You've seen them, the guy with
the "Choose Life" driving like he's out to kill someone. Or
the Jeebus fish eating the Darwin fish plastered on the back of a car
that's booming Black Sabbath. Saw another classic the other day on the
back of a brand spanking new Jetta. "How many lives per gallon?"
How politically fierce. I wanted to ask the hipster chic behind the wheel
for the answer but she couldn't hear me since her attention was divided
between her friend on the other end of her Bluetooth and the sparkly lip
gloss she was applying. But I came up with an answer on my own. How about
not enough since she was still choosing to drive around. My political
science minor might have come from a third-tier land grand university
but I'm not even that dumb. Seriously, that's like PETA going to protest
a KFC and deciding to get a couple buckets of chicken for lunch since
it was already dead anyway. D+ -- Todd
Munson

WHEN THE HIRED HELP GETS UPPITY: And before you get all offended,
by "hired help" I mean people that fit into this category: Hairdressers,
Pilates instructors, makeup artists, nutrition counselors etc. Guess what?
If one of those is your title, you are pretty much spending your days
at best doing menial tasks and at worst filing someone's toenails. Being
in charge of J-lo's asscrack bleaching does not make you a celebrity.
Anyone with half a brain looks down on you, so don't pretend that you're
an artiste or that you're status is the same as your clients. And when
your client invites you to his summer house? Its not cuz he's your friend,
he's just hoping you'll give him and all his friends free massages while
you're there. D- -- kowgurl

BLACK TABLE LINKS: Since the infamous "restructuring"
of the Blacktable several weeks ago, numerous changes were noted to be
made. Of those, as I recall, there was going to be an attempt to add new
exciting links to the front page. Since then we have been treated to an
astounding two (2!) new links. Great work, Blacktable, you've blown my
fucking mind. F. - Rob
Harry