10 ways to get a man – A fool proof guideBy Emma Raho

Some men are large and hairy like bears. You can attract this type by gaffer taping your arms to your body and swimming upstream. Then simply leap into his arms like a salmon in a wig.

If you’re trying to score a tall wiry type of bloke just rugby tackle him below the knees, roll him in a carpet and sit on him until he agrees to be your boyfriend.

Short men are the easiest to catch. Throw and empty duvet cover over them and spin them until they’re confused. All you have to do then is give them your address as their own. Job done.

If an animal lover is more your type, surrender yourself to the SPCA and sit in wait for the man of your dreams to pop you in a cage and take you home. As long as you keep the mouse problem in check and eat off the floor he’ll never suspect a thing.

If the object of your desires is interested in cars, consider having your head surgically replaced with a steering wheel.

In a similar way to car enthusiasts, musicians can be snared easily by turning yourself into a human fretboard. While some women stop at one G string, you’ll have 5 more giving you x5 more chances.

Does dreamy Dave play a lot of video games or watch endless movies? Having trouble catching his attention? Fear not. Crawl out of the TV screen in a dirty white nightgown like Samara from ‘The Ring’. He’ll be too busy shitting himself to turn you down.

Surround your local bar with gin traps. Go inside and start banging saucepans together. The men inside will scatter in terror at the sound of kitchen equipment. All you need to do then is stroll outside and assess what you’ve caught. For a more humane trap, pits can be dug then covered in leaves. Just make sure after you’ve selected your favourite to turn the others loose.

Men cannot resist bacon sandwiches. Set one on a table beneath a large net. When the men come to feed, drop the net and let them tire themselves out struggling. You can then tie your prize to the top of your ute and drive off into the sunset. Shhhhh it’s ok, I’ll take good care of you.

The last point is pretty radical but is worth a try. Be happy within yourself, pursue your own interests and stop trying to actively look for a partner. Be open to new experiences while maintaining your own identity and let things happen naturally in their own time. Take your time to really get to know a person and there’s just an outside chance it might develop into something more. If not, definitely go the salmon route.