“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”

I have just discovered this quote, it is the last line of the book The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. This line I feel describes how I live my life everyday. Everyday I try and move towards something new, a more positive place, but I am constantly reminded of the past and every so often I am dragged right back.

I have decided that for the rest of this year while I am finishing my masters I am going to apply for Graduate Librarian Traineeships. Meanwhile I am going to start researching the possibility of living in either somewhere in the UK or London, Ontario Canada. Why these two locations I hear you asking, well first the UK is so culturally rich and it also has much more opportunities work in the cultural sector. And yes I know Ireland where I live is steeped in history but the country is broke and jobs are thin on the ground unless you know someone who knows someone. And London, Ontario because as I was researching new possible lives I could have I stumbled upon the Western University Canada and found they have a really good Graduate Program in Library and Information Science based in the Faculty for Information and Media Studies or FIMS as they call themselves. This seems like the best option for as I would get to see and experience Canada, pursue my ambition to become a librarian, live in another part of the world where nobody knows me. Now all these plans have two main hindrances number one is that I got a 2.2 grade for my BA degree and almost everywhere expects a 2.1 minimum. And second is money. I’m broke well actually I worse than broke I’m in debt.

The Graduate Librarian traineeships expect a 2.1 minimum, and also the want previous experience. My attempts at getting experience have been futile, I have offered to volunteer in libraries and archives both have been shut down. And not be the people who work in the libraries and archives, this has been vetoed essentially be the government through lack of funds and also due to the Job Bridge scheme introduced a few years back. My 2.2 grade will also more than likely hinder my chances of getting onto the Graduate Programme in Library and Information Science in Western University Canada.

My second problem is lack of funds; I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Im in graduate school, on a programme that turned out to be not right for me, I work part-time, I cannot take up second job as I barely make it through all my course work as it is. Oh and did I mention Ireland is broke which also means jobs offers are thin on the ground. Moving anywhere requires a set oneself up fund so moving to the UK or Canada would be January 2014. The graduate programme in Western accepts students in January so time wise that would be ok. So my main issue would be paying fees, as I would not qualify for funding as my degree is only a 2.2. Now if I got a place on a graduate traineeship in the UK money would not be an issue as I would be earning.

Despite these two hurdles I am going to continue on with my loosely thought out plan. I am twenty eight and time seems to be flying by before of my eyes and I feel as if I have been left behind. I feel as if I jumped off the life express years ago (that’s if I was ever on it) and now I am racing to catch up.

On-going Plans for 2013

Apply for GL Traineeships (perhaps in one be brutally honest about suffering from depression, and how this scuppered my results).

Get information regarding Western University Canada and London Ontario.

Apply for jobs in various parts of the UK.

Decide where in the UK to live.

I has occurred to me that I have not given my background history, I will try to write this during the week,

A pill that can make painful memories go away, erase them as if they never happened. Would you take it??

To never have to deal with the past images, or memories. Never to hear a loud bang and jump and be instantly transported back to my 11 year old self. Never to feel the dread of abandonment or rejection. To never feel the sense of never being enough. To have the slat wiped clean. To never have to dwell on past hurts.

Surely the obvious answer would be how soon can I take one? But they don’t stop future hurts, and without past experiences of pain wouldn’t we all get hurt all the more. Nothing from the past to show us to guide us in the future. And wouldn’t it change who we are? Because it is mostly the painful memories that shape us, change us. Make us more guarded aware of all experiences. And why is it that the painful memories are the ones we dwell on, but I suppose that is a question for another day. Or would it help us take risks and opportunities we would have previously turned down.

I just watched a movie called Last Chance Harvey, with Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson. I had a feeling throughout most of the start of the movie that kind of on edge feeling mentally preparing myself to cringe for the characters. At first I was thinking that it must be because I didn’t like the movie but as I came to realise it was more the fact I recognised myself in the characters that was making me uncomfortable. I know that horrible awkward feeling of not fitting in not knowing what to say. And the inconceivable deep spiralling hole that is loneliness. After I watched that special features The Making of etc. and Emma Thompson said she was tired of watching beautiful 20somethings falling in love and then the director said adlibbing that 20somethings don’t know what it is to fall in love. This again struck a chord with me; I more than sometimes wish I could be like the rest of the 20somethings out there. They seem so easy going, care free, now I sure they all have their own problems but it seems like they can fit in. Socrates said we all are in a dream world, that in actual fact we are all just sitting in a dark cave with a light shining behind us projecting ‘pictures’ of our life up on the wall and this is how we actually live. Socrates said some of the people wake up and get out of the cave and actually see what real life is. This I believe has happened to me I have woken up and I know the life projected on the screen is not real or mine but I can’t seem to get out of the cave. So I’m now stuck I know there is something more but I can’t grasp it and I know the life I’m living is not right either.