Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Duck and Cover: The Art of Appropriation

First of all, if in the past day or so you've grown bored with what you're reading on this blog and your eyes have wandered over to the right margin of the page, you may have noticed an advertisement for the "Just Coffee Cooperative," a caffeinated beverage concern located in a place called Madison, WI. It order to sate the ravenous appetite of my ever-increasing menagerie of animals (which at this point includes a helper monkey named Vito, an ostrich named Telemachus, and now, thanks to this "urban beekeeping" trend, a hive of full of bees), it has become increasingly necessary for me to take on sponsorship, hence the new ad. While I'm not sure how many "Japanese slow-drippers" the good people at Just Coffee have, if this information is important to you I'm sure they would be happy to tell you, and I encourage you to "hit them up" for all your hot brown water-related needs. Also, as you can see, simply entering the coupon code "BSNYC" will get you 10% off your order, which is a much better deal than you'll get over at the "secret website," where entering the same code will result in a 25% surcharge. So welcome, Just Coffee, to the BSNYC/RTMS Pantheon of Sponsors (or "POS").

Speaking of animals and their delightful behavior, in yesterday's post I mentioned that I attended a pretty "tight" (as in watertight) ducking session in Prospect Park. Well, I'm pleased to report that "freestyle ducking" is progressing even faster than fixed-gear freestyling, for a mere 24 hours later the very same crew managed to land a "triple duck wheelie:"

Talk about having your all your ducks in a row! Before yesterday, this was a trick most ducks thought was impossible, so you can bet there will be a lot of crowing (or, more accurately, quacking) about this on the various Anatidae forums. By the way, yesterday streetwear enthusiast and fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly quibbled over my use of the word "wheelie," saying that it only applies when you pedal and that the proper term is "manual." Well, I insist that this is a wheelie--non only because it sounds better, but also because their little webbed feeties are moving:

At any rate, I plan to enjoy the scene while it's still pure, because it's only a matter of time before it becomes overrun by "fakenducks" and loses its integrity. I already noticed some geese and seagulls standing around and watching a little too intently, and any day now they're going to appropriate the whole duck look by putting these things on:

And it's not just the waterfowl who are getting "hip" to the whole duck thing, either. I even noticed a few dogs doing a double-take:

In the wild kingdom, once the domesticated, pampered "woosie" mammals like dogs and cats start picking up on your subculture then it officially loses all "street cred" (or "wilderness cred") and that's the end. If I were "down" with the duck crew, I'd advise them to put a bunch of these things out and then move to another "spot" immediately:

Sure, it may seem far-fetched now, but lumberjacking has already "jumped the shark" thanks to all those "fakerjacks." In fact, a reader recently forwarded me a total "fakerjack" axe:

Notice it's a "limited numbered edition" in a special Canadian colourway, and it costs a whopping $500:

Like, who's gonna chop wood with that? By the way, I'm assuming that price is in Canadian dollars (yes, the Canadians even have their own special dollars), so while it may not seem that expensive for a good quality tool, keep in mind that $500CAD is almost $500 in the American currencyway! They even call it an "axe," which is highly pretentious, since all the hardcore 'jacks spell it "ax." I suppose next we're going to see all kinds of "collabo" axes, and next thing you know you'll be able to buy them in Urban Outfitters next to the flannels.

The above Volkswagen, evidently piloted by the "Emo Fixie Poets," is competing in something called the "24 Hours of LeMons," a race in which each car must cost no more than $500:

To me, this would appear to be in violation of the rules, since even in today's depressed post-collape "fixedconomy" a slightly "tarckified" Langster would surely fetch at least a few hundred dollars. If we consider both the roof rack and the "fixie" to be a part of the car (the rack may be all that's keeping the roof on, and the "fixie" itself could be construed as a very poorly-placed wheelie bar), then the "Emo Fixie Poets" are almost certainly in excess of the $500 (or one "fakerjack" axe) rule. And even if they're not, the fact that "fixies"--once the vehicles of choice for ironic bicycle races--are now simply props for ironic car races is yet another detail in the fixed-gear scene's increasingly long obituary.

But what if, like the aging "hipsters" buying into the "Save The Track Bike!" campaign, you're simply unwilling or unable to relinquish the glory days of the fixed-gear scene? Well, either you can fit a Flux Capacitor (or "Fixed Capacitor") to your DeLorean and go back in time--or, failing that, you can go to Moscow, which at least in fixed-gear terms appears to be pretty much the same thing:

("In Russia, bars tape you.")

The reader who forwarded me the above link assures me that the fixed-gear scene in Moscow is "flourishing," which means that traveling to Russia may be your very last chance to experience what it was like in the days when fixed-gears were "cool"--sort of the equivalent of milking a few more gigs out of your increasingly lame rock band by touring Japan. Keep in mind, though, that the scene in Moscow is not entirely analogous to what we experienced here. Obviously, the Muscovites incorporate their own special "twists," like the riverboat captain bowtie and the equestrian helmet. Also, be sure not to run afoul of your new friends by inadvertently spoiling the endings of popular movies; in addition to fixed-gears, it looks like they also just got "Ghostbusters:"

The above bicycle was forwarded to me by a reader, and it is noteworthy because, besides being a rip-off of the Lone Wolf's ultra-aero watertree hillstalker, it also has "wireless brakes." This seems like an exceedingly bad idea. Phones can be wireless because when a battery or signal dies, all you lose is the schmuck on the other end; with the wireless brake setup you actually lose the ability to stop. Oddly, though, despite all this technology it still seems to employ relatively primitive adjustable quill stem cockpit technology.

It is interesting what ads they put up on our blogs. On my rarely read blog I have posts of photos of some of our local eagles. The ad program puts advertisements on my blog for a device to chase away birds. Any readers of blogs about bird watching would not want devises to scare away birds....well maybe sparrows and pigeons.

Are they saying..."If a Bald Eagle builds a nest in your backyard, buy this devise to chase them away"?

Wow, the LeMons race mention on Snob's blog. Two of my favorite things, together at last.

Perhaps we should take a tip from the Jalopnik folks and organize a race similar to the LeMons in which cyclists have to compete on bikes they bought for less than $50 from either Craigslist or the local ReCyclery operation.

Frankly, I'd love to see the peloton coming down the home stretch mounted on Roadmaster, Next and Fury bikes.

Is it just an optical illusion or are those pedals on the yellow bicycle positioned nearly directly below the seat? You could recreate this look by getting a cheap@$$ next bike, some coroplast on the wheels and a bottle of yellow krylon. That bike is seriously ugly.

In Canada there’s a group of fixie-riding lumberjacks called Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch. In Mexico, a machete-toting hipster named Manuel can only dream of what might have been as he rides alone with both tires on the ground. It really makes you think …

Devices used to scare away birds often use recordings of eagle/hawk/falcon calls to prevent pest birds like pigeons and sparrows from building nests. They are often employed in large outdoor structures like arenas or amphitheaters. They are also used in farm fields to prevent birds from messing up the crops.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "$150.00!" "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

you are the engine: COULD be beneficial to man? WILL save the planet, for all the diversity of creatures, not just "man." repent of your sexist, species-ist ways or i may have to quote derrida, charles fourier and maybe even jennifer garner.

The iPod has jumped the shark as a design touchstone, methinks. This thing has a laptop docking station with a screen, fer chrissakes. You know, in case you need to check your email while "slaying" a trackstand.

Not sure why (maybe it's because I drove a VW Rabbit at the time), the photo of the VW with the bike on top reminded me of returning from a race one weekend (delirious) with my bike on the roof rack and then driving into a a fast food drive-thru and having the bike ripped off the rack by an overhead beam.

I remounted the bike, drove home, and then drove into my garage with bike still in the rack. Amazingly the bike was unharmed.

Both you and Prolly are wrong on the duck session; that move is called an "endo"...or at least it was 25 years ago when I knew how to do such things on my piece-of-shit Mongoose BMX bike. I guess the kids nowadays call it a "nose wheelie" or somesuch.

I realize that by use of the word "palping" you probably read this blog..."it is recognizable by the nasty scuff mark on the rear right part, as well as the bent rails from a wipe out which cause it to seat crooked upon the post."

When are you going to start using this blog to bring greener change in our wasteful and consumerist society? Since im assuming you ride a bike you must already be concerned with the environment, but instead you put down beautiful creatures like the anas who are trying to survive in the pavement wasteland of New York. I am pleased that you at least support the Just Coffee coop that is a local initiative that champions fair trade and organic coffee and helps the environment by purchasing from deserving farmers in South America. I dont know about this lobster businesses, but God gave us this beautiful planet and now we must protect it. Try reading David Suzuki's Green Guide and it will put you on the right path.

I'm way more interested in the 'regenerative brakes' feature. Have batteries suddenly started creating a waste by-product of additional brake pads? Is there a rubber factory hidden in the stem with a lifetime supply of raw materials stashed throughout the frame? Does this machine also come with a perpetual motion machine? I need to know. I just payed like $5 for a new set of pads. I'm going to be pissed to find out that my bike would have provided them for me anyway.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!