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4.11.2010

Disturbia

I had a dream that, for the first time in a long time, made me wake up and not be able to catch my breath. It was a typical night at the Swan, and it was packed with everyone I know and love, including my mom and brother. However, while it was the Swan, its was not that actual building. There was a balcony, and the whole thing was quite high up and almost corporate feeling, as though in a high rise. In any case, there was an accident. A collapse of some sort of significant structure, that resulted in blood literally running down hallways. Bodies of some of my closest friend were being thrown down chutes in an effort to assess the damage. And Nickerson was running the halls screaming about the blood and the carnage. He just kept repeating "they're all dead!". When I finally reached the site of the accident, apparently my brain could not even comprehend what it would look like to see my friends as bodies, because no matter how I tried to focus, it wouldn't come into view. The dream was very specific as to those that had been killed, the list I won't share, I forced myself to wake up as I began searching frantically for my mother and brother, tripping over bodies, my feet covered in the blood of those that I love. I woke up breathless and terrified.
After awhile I convinced myself it was safe to fall asleep, that the dream wouldn't follow me, only to be put into yet another community dream, where everyone was at a party at the mansion, and I had brought Cash Cat. It was time to go home, yet suddenly the house was filled with cats, and I kept trying to catch mine, and would follow various kitties that at the time were Cash, until I would grab them, and they'd be the wrong cat. For some reason, this dream was almost more disturbing than the first.
What is up with my thoughts about Tivoli? I know the faith that I had had in some of its members has been permanently shattered. That this past week has resulted in some severe spring cleaning of friendships. And some times I feel like I've fallen down this rabbit hole, where I'm chasing something that is just out of reach. That at first glance appears one way, until it's finally confronted and only then rears its true appearance.
Perhaps all of this honesty and self reflection I'm immersed in from so many angles is enlightening me as to how I really feel about this life I live.