Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Do the hustle!

(Pharmaceutical company sales representative comes into my room just as I prepare to leave for lunch.)

Drug-pusher: Good afternoon, angry doc. Can you spare me five minutes?

What I want to say: No! I want to have my lunch. Why do you people always think that you petty concerns with your sales figures and commission are more important than my stomach?

What I say: Er… OK.

Drug-pusher: I’m Jennifer from LSD. This is my card.

What I want to say: Why are you guys always called Jennifer? BSc… tell me, when you were studying at the university, did you ever imagine that you were one day going to become a peddler? Nevermind. What drug are you pushing today?

What I say: How can I help you?

Drug-pusher: I’m here to tell you about our latest drug. Yada yada yada. Here’s the abstract of the latest study comparing our product with the other company’s product, which shows a 15% difference in yada yada yada.

What I want to say: Yawn.

What I say: Yes…

Drug-pusher: So please think of our product the next time you have a patient with this condition. *flash big smile*

What I want to say: No. The next time I see a patient with this condition I’m going to treat him according to proper clinical guidelines, not something a drug-pusher told me.

What I say: Thank you.

Drug-pusher: Would you like some free samples of the product for your patients?

What I want to say: Do you realise that’s exactly how drug-pushers get young people hooked on drugs? Does your mother know you are doing this for a living? Have you no shame?

What I say: No thanks.

Drug-pusher: OK. Here are some free pens for you.

What I want to say: Yippy. I went through medical school precisely so that I can have a chance to get free pens. And I’m sure the product name on the free pens will cause me to prescribe more of your product from subliminal suggestion. Oh, and for your information these pens are cheapo crap; that’s why your company buys them as freebies. I use them when I want something to throw at medical students.

What I say: Thank you.

Drug-pusher: Oh, and we are having a dinner-talk next weekend at the Ritzy Hotel where professor Marijuana from New Mexico will be speaking on the latest study. Would you be able to attend?

What I want to say: Nice. Now we are spending big bucks and giving fancy dinners to sell more drugs. Guess who’s gonna pay for all the expenses eventually?

What I say: No, thank you.

Drug-pusher: OK. Thank you for your time. Remember our product!

What I say: I will…

What I want to say: … when I finally feel like taking some bribes!

Bonus movie news

Michael Moore is making a movie on the dubious practices of the pharmaceutical industry. angry doc will be watching that one…