Yes, I realize that I can seem stand-offish and aloof, but please remember that appearances are often misleading. Don’t be fooled by my “still waters”…understand that they run deep. Painfully deep, at times.

Think about it this way: Whereas most people get fluttering butterflies in their stomachs when they get nervous, I have an entire flock of starlings darting all around my internal organs in a dance choreographed by anxiety. When others are happy, I’m overjoyed! And when other personality types merely get their feeling hurt, I’m devastated. My highs and lows may not always show externally, but they churn in an internal whirlpool with every beat of my heart. My still water flow deeply.

My tendency to internalize much of what I feel is what others tend to interpret as aloofness. But, if you can remember the depth of HOW if feel, it’ll help you better understand me and any other melancholy personalities you may encounter.

Another thing I implore you to understand about me, it that I often struggle with a never-ending pursuit of perfection. Oh how that divides me. I hate it, but I NEED it! I know, I know, it sounds nuts, but that’s how I’m made. I understand that my intense attention to detail can drive you crazy, but it drives me crazy too. It’s a love/hate relationship. It is a constant effort, no, make that FIGHT to relax my expectation of myself and others. It’s so hard, so forgive me and know how profoundly I appreciate your understanding when I tend to be overly critical of myself and others.

The upside to my relentless pursuit of perfection is that my projects are done well and in an organized manner. Oh how that makes my heart sing! Any of my artistic endeavors are well crafted and tend to be bountiful feasts for the eyes of any beholder. My motto is, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right . . . and with beauty.” Perfection also drives my desire to BE ON TIME . . . to not deviate from my schedule. That’s good for you, unless you are the one causing me to be late.

Before I close, I want to let you in on a couple of secrets. 1) Oh how it soothes my anxious soul when someone assures me I’m okay just the way I am. I worry more than I should about that, but that’s just how I’m made. I constantly question myself (which stems from my overly active analytical skills, LOL). What a soothing balm encouraging words are to me. 2) If there is an area where I need improving, by all means, let me know, but be gentle and kind. It’s way to easy to stir up those sensitive waters flowing just beneath the surface. Remember, something that merely pricks most, cuts me deeply.

My sincere thanks to you for choosing to wade beyond my still waters and venture into the deep places that stir in my heart. By doing so, you have found the most loyal and caring of friends. I cherish you more than you will ever know.

Lovingly,

Melancholy

(NOTE: I want to thank Elizabeth Avens and Kelley Pounds for sharing their hearts with me for this post. The melancholy personality is often the one I have the hardest time emulating since I don’t have any melancholy traits. Both these ladies are beautiful examples of this personality, and they bring different things to our friendship. Elizabeth makes me laugh and laugh with her wonderful humor, and Kelley makes me feel comfortable no matter how long it’s been since we’ve been together face-to-face. Also, I encourage to you visit Kelley’s website so you can view the beautiful wire-wrap jewelry she so painstakingly creates in classic melancholy style: kell’s creations )

Glue. Yeah, glue. That’s what I feel like. I’m not flashy like glitter that jazzes up a craft project. I’m not as purposeful as a sign announcing a coming event, and I’m certainly not awe inspiring like da Vinci’s Mona Lisa. But I’m the glue often used to hold such artwork together. It’s an important role, but I often go unnoticed. That’s how I feel. I don’t need or want the spotlight. I just need a pat on the back from time to time. In other words, “Throw me a bone.”

I’m made to be dependable. I’m the rock everyone seeks. I’ll carry the weight of the world on my shoulders like Atlas. I’m made for that role, but it gets hard when I don’t stand out enough for people to notice. When troubles come a callin’, that’s when people come a callin’ on dependable, diplomatic me, but then they fade away as quickly as they came until the next time a need arises.

Most of the time it’s OK. Really, it is. Things naturally slide off my back. That’s the way I’m wired. But sometimes (and those “sometimes” often take years to roll around) the weight of the world comes crashing down on me. I’m strong, but I’m not Atlas. It’s not one thing “here” that gets me. Or another thing “there” that crushes me. It’s the long-term pressure of being the glue that holds things together for so many.

Not all the pressures come in the form of people relying on my to be their rock or the sounding board on which they bounce their problems. Sometimes pressures come from not being taken seriously. I have definite ideas on just about everything, but am usually not too vocal about expressing them. When I do, people tell me how easy it is to talk with me . . . even on controversial topics. However, in places where I am not valued, my input is often dismissed. That hurts. I’m OK if people don’t agree with me, but I love a deep conversation. But, sometimes people are more interested in being right than having a conversation. I’m getting better at identifying such situations and am learning that being quiet provides peace. And that’s OK. But, over time constantly listening to others while holding my tongue, I break. Thank goodness it’s easy for me to walk away. I crave peace and if walking away elicits peace, I can and will walk away.

Sometimes I don’t think anyone will remember me. I’ll never be the fun and wacky Aunt Kathy who burns moments of fun and elaborate celebrations into the minds of nieces and nephews. I’ll never be the high-school coach whose rough, but well-placed words of strong-armed wisdom change the course of a standout athlete’s life. I’ll never receive a tribute for being task-oriented wife who goes to extraordinary lengths to support her husband. I’m glue. It’s something, but it easily goes unnoticed because it lives in the shadows created by more memorable personalities.

I’m not very open. Glue doesn’t come out of its bottle until someone “invites” it. Sometimes I am the author of the distance I feel with people because I don’t cross boundaries until I know someone WANTS me; glue doesn’t flow until someone picks up the bottle, opens it, and requires it’s services. I’m kinda funny that way, but as soon as I know it’s OK, like glue I’ll flow a little more freely

I love a two-way street despite the fact I’m often moving at a slower pace than most of the people I share the road with. I don’t expect much, but I do enjoy a pat on the back now and then. Yeah, I know, it’s weird but that me. Just throw me a bone now and then, and I’ll be just fine. In the meantime, I’ll continue being the glue quietly holding things together.

Ok, it may be wrapped in barbed-wire, but I really do have a heart. I promise!

I care deeply about things, but dang, everywhere I look I see things that need to be done. Especially when I’m around the house. This bed needs to be made, the lawn needs to be mowed, electrical wiring needs to be redone, or a bicycle tire needs patching. What am I suppose to do? I’m sorry, but relaxing doesn’t come easily. And the relationship thing? I try, but I’m more of a doer. It’s hard to set my keen eye for “doing” aside. Most of what I do is motivated by those I love . . . that’s how I show how much I care. My heart does beat even though you probably think I’m heartless at times.

I’m too practical for some people. I have dreams, but I’m not a day-dreamer. There are activities I’d love to pursue, but they must must must come AFTER my responsibilities. I didn’t get where I am today, by lolly-gagging around knitting baby blankets and chasing unicorns. There is work to be done, places to go, and people to see. It’s hard to change . . . I’ve always been goal-oriented, and I need things around me to be in good working order. Some think my drive is a curse, but it has served me well. I just need you to know that when you acknowledge my efforts, I truly appreciate it. I do a lot and to go unnoticed hurts. I’m not so good in areas where a soft touch it needed, but it means a lot when my strengths are complimented.

One thing I really need from you is loyalty. Nothing pierces my barbed-wire, wrapped heart more than when someone disregards me. Well, let me rephrase that . . . when a friend or family member disregards me. I can pretty much blow off someone I don’t have a connection with, but where connection exists, I need loyalty. This may sound funny, but the thought of a dog really appeals to me. There is nothing more loyal than a canine companion. I like that . . . a lot.

Purpose. I feel lost without a purpose. I don’t sit around very well. Oh, I can do it in short spurts, but unless I have something to sink my teeth into, I feel lost. I guess that goes along with being so goal-oriented. It’s probably another reason why I have difficulty relaxing. I’m just one big bundle of DOING. ACHIEVEMENT. COMPLETING PROJECTS. It’s probably safe to say that most people that aren’t like me, resent my workaholic tendencies. I try to not to succumb to them, but that river runs deep and doesn’t change course easily.

This part is hard to write, but since I’m baring my soul here goes. My emotions bubble to the surface now and then. It is very awkward for me, but they do sneak up on me from time to time. Helpless and homeless dogs have been known to make my eyes well up. When someone I love is hurting, that gets to me. That REALLY gets to me. I’m not always very good at expressing compassion or empathy, but even a barbed-wire wrap cannot keep my heart from being painfully pierced. It happens, but my crusty exterior forms a natural barrier keeping my emotions from showing. I may not look like I hurt, but just know that appearances can be deceiving.

I guess that’s about all I have to say. This hasn’t been easy. I hope this helps you understand me and my barbed-wire heart a little better.

For as much as I like fun…I’ve discovered that life ain’t all fun and games, a laugh a minute, or a bowl full of cherries.

That’s hard to take sometimes because I love love love fun things. I want to taste, feel, and experience all the world has to offer. I’m ready to go at a moments notice. I like good times, but don’t let my “happy-go-lucky” exterior fool you: sometimes my insecure heart gets the best of me.

You ask, “How can that be? You have so many friends. You are the life of the party. Everyone secretly wants to be like you! Popular, fun, carefree”

Well, some days I am reminded that life ain’t all fun and games. I hate those days, those moments, when my insecurities flare with the intensity of a firecracker. You may not recognize my insecurities because they don’t keep me home. They don’t keep from seeking the company of people…lot’s of people. But, oh, they are there. Painfully present, yet hidden beneath my smile.

I love when people approve of what I do, how I think, how I handle situations, how I dress, how I express my creativity. But sometimes my flamboyant ways meet with the disapproving glare of raised eye-brows. Not everyone has the vision to appreciate the dreams in my head or the actions I take. Not everyone is ready to accept my overtures of friendship because I often extend it in the same bouncy manner as Tigger would if he were real. I get too excited too soon. Oh, how that hurts my heart.

People pleasing. I guess when you love people like I do, it is part of the territory. I want them to love and approve of me all the time. I’m usually OK, but sometimes it gets the better of me. Being a people pleaser causes me to succumb to peer-pressure. It was worse when I was young, like the teen years. I’m better now that I’m older, but sometimes I still get drawn into things I don’t really want to do. All because I cannot say NO. I hate disappointing anyone.

For years I planned and executed Christmas celebrations for my family. I do love planning and throwing a party, but expectations were high. The thought of disappointing ANYONE took the fun out of it for me. After all the holiday fanfare, when family members had returned to their own little corners of the world, there I sat amid the leftover tinsel, the dirty dishes, and discarded wrapping paper, knowing that they left disappointed. I know, I know, things like that say more about the dissatisfied party-goers than it does me, but it deeply cuts this people pleaser’s heart. I didn’t spend enough money. The limousine ride was “just OK.” It hurts when the love, adoration, and approval are not there.

Oh well. I’ll be off on another adventure soon. I’ll throw a party for a group of people that will shower me with the adulation and approval I so desperately crave. But sometimes, I just need to know that those closest to me love me despite my Tigger-ish ways, all my quirks, drama, and, often high-maintenance needs. Help me be happy even though life ain’t all fun and game.

Can you relate? Does someone in your life display these unmotivated traits? Well, you are probably encountering a phlegmatic. From my observations and talking to people, I think this could possibly be the most misunderstood personality type because they are sneaky. If you’ve been following this series you will understand it when I say that the other three personality types have more identifiable traits we must contend with.

The sanguine = living an “over-the-top” lifestyle when it comes to appearance, style, and actions (talking, attention seeking.)

The choleric = controlling things around them and always doing (intensity)

The melancholy = perfectionist, critical, and super-sensitive (moody)

Well, when it comes to the phlegmatic, the things that drive us crazy are not as noticeable. Where as the other personalities’ provide annoying traits that are clearly identifiable, the phlegmatic is bit more stealthy. Unless you interact directly with this personality, you probably won’t notice anything. With the other three personalities you can be minding your own business and unwittingly find yourself in survival mode. A talkative, sanguine neighbor catches you on an afternoon walk and holds you hostage with her wagging tongue. The control-freak choleric bosses you around and makes unwarranted demands when all you did was volunteer to help the PTO at your child’s school. The melancholy instructor for your basket-weaving class thrusts so many details in your face that it feels like you accidentally signed up to learn brain surgery. Even though a phlegmatic is not likely to invade your life, they can be equally frustrating requiring those around them to get into survival mode.

Lazy

If you live with a phlegmatic you are shaking your head in the affirmative when you hear the word “lazy”. Trying to get a phlegmatic child to make a bed meets with moans and groans of “do I have to”, and if you are “lucky” they’ll remind you that they are just going to mess it up when they go to bed in a few hours. A phlegmatic husband will let the little woman’s TO DO list languish undone until it fossilizes. The phlegmatic wife will procrastinate going to the grocery story until there is literally NO food in the house. (Then she’ll try to convince the family that the cardboard box the TRIX came in is nutritious AND YUMMY.)

I may be phlegmatic, but I’m not going to make excuses because lazy is not acceptable. However, I would like to offer some insights: Phlegmatic people have to dig deep to get things done. These lazy/laid back people are easily overwhelmed. A task that looks like a mole-hill to others, is a 14,000 ft mountain to a phlegmatic. It takes time and energy for them to psych themselves up to scale a formidable mission.

In order to keep your sanity it’s best if you understand they need time. Allowing for flexibility works wonders. For example, the phlegmatic child who needs to make their bed is more willing, and able, if they can make the bed sometime before lunch instead of immediately upon rising. The phlegmatic hubby will be more likely to get a TO DO list done if it has only 2 or 3 tasks instead of 10 or 20. (A choleric hubby can handle 10-20 items, but not the phlegmatic). The same flexibility works well for a wife who dreads heading to the grocery store.

Indifferent

Phlegmatic people often come across indifferent. This occurs because their personal radar isn’t as sensitive as the other personalities’. My mom is melancholy and we sometimes have conversations about what people say and do. She will ask me something like, “What do you think that person meant by that?” I usually respond with a genuine and clueless, “I don’t know. That didn’t even come up on my radar.”

It’s not unusual for people to approach me and apologize for something they said to me. Again, I’m clueless and didn’t even expect an apology. Much of life quietly scoots by a phlegmatic person. What is interesting is that our indifference is what makes us so inoffensive to others and likeable, UNLESS you are close to the person . . . then that indifference bothers others.

Understanding WHY this personality appears indifferent is the best way to survive. If they do not react to something that is important to you, LET THEM KNOW! Believe me, the LAST thing a phlegmatic wants to do is hurt anyone’s feelings . . . I know, I live that. Overall,this is probably the most “selfless” personality, but because they easily miss social prompts and try to avoid social encounters, we can come across indifferent and snobbish. Don’t be afraid to be the one to initiate contact with this person no matter the situation. Whether you need to air a grievance or just want to say HI, phlegmatics are very approachable and receptive people.

Distant

There is a bit of overlap between “distant” and “indifferent”, but there are a few differences worth noting. Phlegmatics do relationships best at a distance. Intimacy is a little scary and over whelming. Due to their introverted nature, they relish alone time. To varying degrees they can cross the line into the hermit life if not careful. Solitude is a role they easily embrace. They can also enjoy the company of others, but people tend to drain them.

I enjoy well-structured groups that have a purpose. I play BUNCO once a month and am part of a women’s summer golf group. Intimacy is not required in either of those settings. You show up, play, and go home. However, I tend to stay away from settings where unsolicited social interaction and small talk is required. STRESSFUL!!! Shoot, even the social time at my church stresses me out. As a result I tend to avoid such interactions altogether, scoot through them as quickly as humanly possible, or, where unavoidable, seek out those I feel comfortable with.

Another aspect that creates fuels the distance dynamic with phlegmatics is chatting. Social chatting can be downright painful while “purposeful” discussion is much more comfortable. Over the years I’ve had sanguine friends who do chatting and phone calls much better than me. On the other hand, I have a phlegmatic friend I met in the mid 80’s who is phlegmatic like me. We won’t chat or correspond for a year or two, but then when we do reconnect it’s like we just spoke the day before. Now, we shouldn’t let so much time pass, but because distance works for us both, so it’s never been a problem.

The best advice I have for someone feeling this frustration from a phlegmatic loved one or friend, don’t interpret this as rejection. It is nice when the phlegmatic reaches out, but honestly, it won’t happen as much as you would probably like it to. Your best bet is to reach out with the understanding that they will feel valued because YOU took time to call THEM them.

Understanding the phlegmatic is not so easy since they don’t have traits that run over people. It’s more the way they respond to things that tend to frustrate those around them. If you approach the seeming unmotivated phlegmatic in your life with this understanding, you’ll survive much better.

Does this describe someone close to you? Perhaps it’s someone you encounter at work, church, or neighborhood. Maybe it is a loved one or best friend? No matter in what capacity you cross paths with a melancholy, it can be quite an experience.

Perfectionist

Perfectionism taken to the extreme can be a very negative influence that spews from the person onto everyone within “spewing” distance. Wanting things to be perfect isn’t a bad thing, but when it takes over one’s very existence it becomes a problem. Therein lies the challenge with the melancholy.

This temperament is the perfection seeker. Their inner-most desires circulate around things being just right: being on time, immaculate appearance, throwing the picture-perfect social event, and everyone around them being flawless. Doing things properly is a good thing, but when perfectionism becomes all-consuming it becomes unhealthy. This is the realm that many melancholy personalities exist in. Let’s look at how the unrealistic pursuit of perfection affects those around this personality.

Critical

Criticism. No one likes to be on the receiving end disapproval yet that is how many of us feel when around this personality. Due to their never-ending search for perfection most melancholies have extremely high standards. Standards are not bad (we should all have high standards), but to expect everyone to live perfection is unrealistic. That is the world many melancholies live in. Instead of realistically aiming for “proper” or a “job well done” they go overboard. Nothing suits them and that is when the criticism takes over! But, the crazy thing is that not only are they critical of others, they tend to be very hard on themselves.

One obvious way to survive a critical melancholy is to understand that it is more of a compulsion than a personal attack. I understand that can be hard, but when you have the ability to separate the “compulsion” from the “personal attack”, it helps YOU not obsess over something that is often out of your control.

I recently heard from a reader who encountered a similar situation at her church. A lady who served in an official capacity in the church became critical of one of the reader’s family members. It affected her entire family and relationships deteriorated. After an extended time, the reader attempted to heal the relationship, but her overtures of peace where not accepted. When she read a post I wrote about the perfectionist tendencies of the melancholy and their sometimes critical nature, she better understood what had happened and found some solace in the fractured relationship. Sometimes survival just means understanding people and finding peace in the midst.

Ideological

Think Christmas card with me for a moment . . . one that portrays a magical holiday scene. Maybe the house is meticulously decorated with gently falling snowflakes adding that perfect touch. Maybe it’s a scene depicting a happy family enjoying a well organized gift-opening session. These are just a couple of examples of the life that scrolls through the perfection-seeking melancholy’s mind. When they anticipate life, events, family, etc., what they envision is rarely what actually takes place.

Take the Christmas scenes for example. The reality of a decorated house involving snow usually involves a few burned out lights, a strand of lights that gets loose from its hanger, and lawn decorations knocked over in the blizzard that just hit. Ugh! Or, instead of a delightfully organized gift-opening session the overly excited family raucously races to the present-laden tree and rips into the brightly wrapped treasures. Double ugh! When preconceived notions of perfection do not materialize it throws the melancholy visionary into a funk. Be patient with them if this state of mind settles in over a celebration or life event. Don’t attempt to gloss over it as if it doesn’t matter. If you can find a way to empathize and identify with the melancholy’s difficulty, you can help them move away from the missing perfection they desire, plus you will be less likely to fall victim to the negative dynamic created by their disappointment.

Super Sensitive

There is a lot of overlap with the super-sensitivity of the melancholy and his/her desire for perfection. Being driven toward a certain outcome takes it toll on the one so fervently seeking it. Each personality has something that brings them down if they cannot achieve it: for the sanguine they need fun and acceptance, for the choleric it is control and appreciation, for the phlegmatic it is peace. For the melancholy, it is perfection and sensitivity. When these elements become elusive, this “sensitive above the rest” person is greatly affected. This means that they get critical with themselves and others when their ideological visions fail. Along with that comes the super-sensitivity.

As far as surviving this vicious cycle that can invade the life of a melancholy and those around him or her, we need to work at showing our sensitive side. Sometimes it is just empathizing with them as mentioned above. No need to wallow with them or you may get yourself in a funk, but it’s important to validate their feelings. Let them know you are sorry for their trial. Don’t expect them to handle it like you do if your personality is different from theirs. Understand that it may take longer for this person to work through things. Don’t drive yourself crazy because they are different . . . they are, after all, melancholy and they feel things deeply. Don’t take it personally if you cannot work them out of a sad place as quickly as you’d like. Tuning into YOUR sensitive side is a great step in the right direction when it comes to surviving the melancholy in your life.

If you answer in the affirmative, chances are good that there is a choleric in your life. This isn’t at bad thing, but it can be frustrating if you don’t understand this intense person. So, what are some tools you can use to survive this personality at work, school, church, or home? Let’s dive in.

Intense

Intensity is one way to recognize the choleric. They often have a scowl and knit eye-brows because their mind is always contemplating their next mission. That intensity isn’t confined to their facial expression . . . it can permeate a room! It’s almost like they bring and unseen presence of barbed wire with them wherever they go. This is especially true if they have had a bad day or are working through a big project. Completing a mission consumes them.

My husband is choleric, and there are times I just retreat and let him work. I’ll offer to help with a project if there is anything I can effectively contribute. For example, all the wood floors in our home are choleric installed. It was a big project, but not particularly involved, say like rerouting electricity. I helped hubs rip up the old floor and prep before the new one went down. He appreciated my assistance. However, when he knocked the wall out of our bedroom so I could have a sliding glass door and a patio on the the other side, I stayed away. It was a big AND involved project. He rewired outlets and installed new lighting fixtures. That was WAY out of my league so I stepped back and let him work. He didn’t need (or want) my “help” hindering him.

Overly Practical

Some personalities (mine included) need a bit of whimsy and day dreaming in their lives. The choleric, for the most part, doesn’t. It isn’t practical. Now, don’t think they don’t contemplate their future, but it comes more in the form of goals and “what can I accomplish?”. My hubs and I are a perfect examples of this dynamic living together.

I’m a dreamer with lots of interests. Some come to fruition, others don’t. My choleric spouse has indulged many of my dreams over the years . . . and enjoyed a measure of success with me. On the other hand, he has always been a good provider for our family. He is not only practical, but technically minded. He has a bachelors degree in geology and a masters in Geo-chemistry. Many years ago his aspirations were to work in the oil and gas industry until it crashed in the 80s taking him in another direction. Oil was no longer a practical pursuit, and he had a young family to feed. Over the years he supported us well, but wanted to do a better job at securing his (and thus our) future. He landed a job at the Los Alamos National Lab and earned another masters degree . . . in engineering! A field in which he had no previous education. But, it was a practical endeavor, and he earned straight A’s through a very arduous curriculum while supporting a family and helping raise our two boys.

He has dreams, but the practical business of family was his mission. When it comes to surviving the choleric drive that often overrides their own dreams, be supportive, but also encourage them to pursue something they enjoy so that a little bit of fun can creep into that practical mind of theirs.

Detached

It isn’t unusual for a choleric personality to appear detached. Their mission-minded (practical) wiring often overrides the heart part of their being. When their heart DOES crawl to the surface it is in a very practical way . . . sending money to help homeless animals, donating time to build a house, or stopping on the highway to help a stranded motorist. They show their heart by doing and, unless you understand the choleric, it’s easy to miss their softer side and see them as detached.

My choleric hubby has a melancholy blend which, as I have dubbed it, is the robot blend. (Read about that here.) He approaches life like a machine. Me, on the other hand, well, I’m a phlegmatic/sanguine blend and am all about relationship. I’m not mission-minded enough for him, and he isn’t relational enough for me and seems detached much of the time. But, because I understand he shows his love in ways like making sure my car runs, that things around my house are in good working order, etc., I KNOW he loves me. I know he really isn’t “detached” from the relationship, it just looks that way.

As with all the personality types, there is a danger to take our strengths to the extreme so that they become weaknesses. The choleric personality needs to understand that about themselves. If they, in turn, can understand the personalities of those around them, it may help them step away from some of the extreme traits they exhibit and interact better with those around them. But, in the in meantime, it helps when we understand the intense character of this “go-getter” personality that makes the world go round.

Do those descriptors ring familiar? A friend, family member, or perhaps an annoying co-worker? Count yourself blessed if these are not a part of your everyday existence. However, if you are frustrated on a daily basis by anything on that list, take heart . . . you just need to understand the sanguine in your life. Understanding leads to surviving.

If you are sanguine reading this, please don’t be offended, maybe there is something here for you to learn. First, may I say that sanguine personalities are delightful and they light up a often gloomy world. However, to varying degrees, many sanguines will operate in a weaknesses, thus providing challenges to those who know them best. Let’s take a look and see if we can help survive when this personality goes “over-the-top”.

Chit Chat Chatty

We’ve all encounter someone who talks too much. Where IS that “off” button!! The over-the-top talking sanguine dominates conversations and can monopolize social situations. It isn’t an issue when they are funny and engaging, but if they are NOT either of those, they will start turning people off if enough time passes. Not everyone needs the spotlight the sanguine, but most everyone likes to contribute to a conversation, and sometimes sanguine talkers don’t allow others to join in. Now, when a sanguine is totally obnoxious and spews inappropriate words (or TMI), that is hard to take even on short time! Such scenarios are uncomfortable for those who want to be polite, but are also desperate to escape.

Depending on how well you know the overly loquacious sanguine, you may be in a position to talk to them about his or her over-charged mouth or inappropriate content. If you don’t know the offender well, but an unexpected opportunity to lovingly share how the “talkative” sanguine could be better received by others, you may be the salt and light they need to improve their social presence. If your only option is to limit YOUR exposure to them, do it, but don’t hate them or talk badly about them. Just understand that these personalities are talkers who tend to love the spotlight and don’t take it personally. Oh, one last bit of advice…if the chit chatty sanguine is a gossip, protect yourself by not sharing any information you don’t want splashed all over the community.

All Talk, No Action

Some sanguine personalities struggle with follow through. If this is someone close to you, maybe you have been affected. Big plans are made for an event, but they never materialize. Promises are made, promises are broken. It may be something small like a pre-arranged lunch date that is never mentioned again . . . or, worse yet, a sanguine no show. This happens for several reasons.

Sanguines are notorious for over-extending themselves. It’s not unusual for a sanguine to “double-book”. When they do, they go with the funnest date because, after all, this personality is all about fun. Another reason for inaction happens because they are not the best time keepers. Time comes . . . times passes . . . scheduled plans fall by the wayside.

One last reason sanguine talk turns into no action is because talk is cheap in sanguine land. “I’ll call you for sure!” “Let’s plan on that weekend get-a-way!” “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll take care of that for you!” Before you know it, six months has passed and the phone hasn’t rung, the sanguine never mentions the weekend get-a-way again, and the deed you weren’t suppose to worry about goes undone. This is not unusual for a sanguine who is weak in the area of follow-through.

Do you have to accept it? No, you don’t, but you can understand it. Again, the relationship you have with the offending sanguine determines how much you involve yourself, but many relationships are lost or strained because many sanguines do these things to friends, family, and co-workers. In my own life, I counter these weaknesses by, first not taking it personally. Sure, a sanguine tends to follow through with those that are most important or fun for them, but when that isn’t me, I just limit my exposure to the “all talk, no action” phenomenon. I’m not surprised when it happens and, I choose to limit my dealings with such a sanguine. That removes the elements of expectation and surprise from MY life and helps me survive.

ME ME ME!!!

Yes, sanguine personalities have an emotional need to be accepted and have approval. Most are not shy about seeking it. Couple that with their need to be in the spotlight and, if they take it “0ver-the-top” it becomes quite tiring for those around them. “Isn’t my dress pretty?” “Listen to this hundredth story about how everyone doted on me because I’m so funny!” ” Let me tell you about my adventure at the bank when I…blah blah blah blah blah.”

OK, I’m not trying to be rude, but seriously, if you have even been on the receiving end, YOU KNOW what I’m talkin’ about! There are varying degrees of ME ME ME, but there are also extremes. Again, unless you have a deep relationship with such a sanguine, about all I can advise you to do is go into avoidance mode. But, never, never, never, disparage such a soul. Sometimes this depth of immaturity is brought on by something hurtful or great neglect in the offenders life. Other times, the person is just plain shallow and THAT prevents them from operating in the wonderful strengths of this personality.

The Balanced Sanguine

When a sanguine is not over-the-top, they are a delight to be around. They are gifted communicators, they are warm and will give you the shirt off their back, and they are just plain ‘ol fun to be around. There are many well-balanced sanguines making the world an enjoyable place. However, remember that, to varying degrees, you will run into sanguine people who are quite challenging and you just need to do your best by surviving in the most gracious manner you can muster.

]]>http://www.shonaneff.com/?feed=rss2&p=40236Spiritual Personalities, Part 4 – Phlegmatichttp://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4012
http://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4012#respondMon, 19 Aug 2013 16:19:00 +0000http://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4012Of all the personality types, the “whatever goes” phlegmatic probably is the one who has the easiest time embracing God and Christianity. Being the personality that most seeks peace, the peace offered by faith in Jesus Christ fits well in this easy-going person’s life.

View of God

God is a place of rest and comfort for all who choose a life in Him. This appeals to, and even beckons the phlegmatic. This personality avoids chaos and that is what the Christian life is all about. The Christian lifestyle doesn’t take the chaos out of life, but it does helps one find a supernatural rest when mayhem finds the phlegmatic. Additionally, phlegmatic personalities aren’t all about action/adventure like their more extroverted sanguine and choleric counterparts, so they are drawn to the peaceful aspects of God and Jesus (the Prince of Peace.)

John 14:27 is like a soothing bubble bath to the phlegmatic soul, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you.”

Spiritual Strength

Of all the personality types, the phlegmatic has the easiest time accepting God’s sovereignty. If God is control, that means the phlegmatic has less to worry about. Letting God work behind the scenes in their lives suits these easy going people. God already has it worked out, so why worry?

Ephesians 1:11 explains it well, “Moreover, because of what Christ has done, we have become gifts to God that he delights in, for as part of God’s sovereign plan we were chosen from the beginning to be his, and all things happen just as he decided long ago.” (TLB) The phlegmatic doesn’t need to fret because God has it all worked out.

Hindrances

Phlegmatic personalities are happy to let others sweat the hard things and details, so that makes the concept of responsibility a little tricky for this quiet person. They tend to throw conflict onto others . . . or avoid it completely. This hinders their spiritual growth when they unwittingly refuse to work through the hard things–whatever those hard things may be. If it’s a relationship issue, they may sweep it under the table in order to avoid conflict. If it’s an internal struggle, this master of diplomacy can easily explain the difficulties away rather than face them.

Out of all the personality types, the phlegmatic can have the best of intentions, but procrastination often prevents follow through. This sometimes leads to superficial service: 1) good intentions left undone, 2) good works, but not deep works.

A Growing Phlegmatic Christian

As with all the personality types, the phlegmatic needs to grow continuously to remain a healthy Christian. Here are some proven strategies that keep a phlegmatic on track:

Find a time that works for you when it comes to Bible study and godly activities. As a phlegmatic, I don’t think in terms of “time”, but rather accomplishments. I set a goal to accomplish a set number (not too many) of activities in any given day. Rather than set a certain time for each thing, I think in broader time frames. For example, if laundry, Bible study, prayer time, and walk the dogs are on my daily TO DO LIST, I may set the morning for Bible study and walk the dogs time, while prayer time and laundry get the afternoon. If I come anywhere CLOSE to accomplishing that, I’m at peace.

Be committed, but not legalistic. There is overlap between this and the above strategy. Just be sure to remember that because of the way a phlegmatic is wired, he or she is easily overwhelmed when too many activities or too much rigidity sets in. Think in broader terms of accomplishing godly things. Learn to be intentional when it comes time to getting things done.

Don’t compare yourself to other Christians or you will get discouraged. When I discovered this little gem of advice, an entirely new world opened up for me. In church settings I was never as socially welcoming as the sanguine personalities who instantly greeted all newcomers. I never felt as comfortable as the choleric people who volunteered to lead various church outreaches . . . I was more comfortable in supportive roles. I marveled as I watched melancholy Christians meet the deep sensitive needs of the hurting while also putting the detailed touches of beauty on the Christmas pageant. What was wrong with me!! Once I understood that I blossomed working with people one-on-one, making people feel comfortable in a new setting because I was so non-threatening (yes, there are Christians who overwhelm non-believers and scare them), and that I was usually the most diplomatic in the room, I embraced who I was. I quit comparing myself to others who were gifted with different traits.

When it comes to the phlegmatic Christians, they need to embrace who they are. The wonderfully gifted phlegmatic needs to get up, get out, and live for God!

]]>http://www.shonaneff.com/?feed=rss2&p=40120Spiritual Personalities, Part 3 – Melancholyhttp://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4002
http://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4002#respondSun, 18 Aug 2013 19:39:49 +0000http://www.shonaneff.com/?p=4002When it comes to Christianity, the melancholy needs to avoid turning his/her spirituality into a journey of perfection. When perfection becomes the goal, a relationship with Jesus unwittingly turns into legalism. However, when the proper balance between God’s perfect standard and relationship is found, the melancholy is a beautiful example of a true seeker of God and His ways.

View of God

As a consummate seeker of perfection the melancholy is naturally drawn to Bible verses such as Matthew 5:48, “Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect.”(NKJV). Out of all four personality types the melancholy is the most likely to do things properly. They are organized, meticulous with details, orderly in everything they do, and very disciplined. They expect a lot of themselves and they tend to approach Christianity in much the way . . . organized, meticulous, orderly, and very disciplined.

When they read that they are to “be perfect” as God is perfect, that translates into DO IT JUST LIKE GOD– “No room for error or all is lost.” Matthew 5:48 is an exhortation for believers to STRIVE to be like God. We can never be exactly like God while on earth, but our goal should be to reflect Him as best we can. Well, because of the way they are wired, a Christian melancholy works to achieve perfection here on earth and often become legalistic with themselves an others. It isn’t that they don’t love God, it’s just the opposite: they love Him so much they feel like failures if they don’t reflect perfection. However, when they find the balance between their love of God and the reality that they are only human, they add to the beauty of God’s kingdom because they add a sensitivity that the other personalities often lack.

Spiritual Strength

It makes sense that KNOWLEDGE is a melancholy strength. They love details and tend to be giddy about researching and learning. A Christian melancholy enjoys pouring over charts, graphs, lists, and, yes, genealogies. Couple this for with their ardent love of God and you have some of the most knowledgeable people ever. When they can translate their knowledge into teaching that the other personalities can relate to, they make great teachers. That means they don’t smother others with too much detail, but share in a way that all can be awed by God.

Proverbs 2:3-4 is an apt description for this knowledge seeking personality: “Yes, if you cry out for discernment, and lift your voice for understanding, if you see her (wisdom) as silver, and search for her as hidden treasure; then you will understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.”

Hindrances

The fact that this personality tends to seek perfection is their greatest hindrance. They have difficulty reconciling forgiveness for those that they don’t feel deserve it. That includes themselves! Not only do they come across harsh to others in this area, but when they cannot grasp “grace” they spend all their energy on DOING things to earn God’s forgiveness. To the melancholy, it it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right! That often includes forgiveness. Grace doesn’t require anything and that concept is often hard for them to grasp.

A Growing Melancholy Christian

How can a perfection-seeking melancholy grow as a Christian? The key word is “balance”.

Respect God’s standards (because they ARE good), but relax your approach to details and find balance is your quest for perfection. Allow yourself to make mistakes. If God allows for errors, you can too.

Allow your idealistic tendencies to be balanced with biblical wisdom, knowledge, and compassion. Don’t expect yourself or others to be perfect and don’t be afraid to let compassion flow where appropriate.

Learn to forgive yourself and others . . . understand grace.

The melancholy Christian is indeed a special part of God’s kingdom. They can see and add beauty that often eludes the other personalities. But, when their tendency to achieve perfection overrides grace, there will be problems within themselves and often the community of believers. If this personality can remember to seek God instead of perfection, it will be easier for them to find the beautifully balanced life that God planned for them.