Sunday, January 08, 2012

Three bruised thumbs later-a flash of insight

I bought a new bookcase recently. Unlike my previous purchases, this one came unassembled. I figured how hard can it be to put together a simple bookcase; it's all straight lines; I know what it's going to look like, and I'm a smart girl.

The bookcase arrived. Coiffed in what looked like saran wrap. Pieces of lumber. No bags of nails or screws, no directions.

I started thinking about how I'd get this thing assembled at once:

I thought hard for about four weeks. Finally it was either assemble the damn thing or set it on fire. (Stacks of lumber in a small apartment ... well, let's just say a new and fluent vocabulary of strong language is associated with knee-high stacks of wood and dark rooms.)

I wielded my trusty scissors on the saran wrap. Three pieces of wood promptly hit me on the head. Followed closely by two bags of nails, screws, shelf holders and something that looks like Velcro but remains unidentified pending DNA testing. The saran wrap had allowed the shelving to be stacked vertically, like the outer pieces. Once unwrapped, they yielded to gravity.

As I lay on floor, birds circling I remember a lesson learned at my sainted mum's knee: "Beware the Acme shipping label."

I got up, dusted myself off, found the directions between layers of Styrofoam, and thought "Ok, I'm ready!"

Well, of course you know how this ends. The bookcase now assembled, looks something like this:

I, somewhat less assembled, look something like this:

But, I had a flash of insight.

EVEN with directions in hand, which were not only written in English but had pictograms; even when I knew how the thing was supposed to look at the end; I still made a hash of it.

Some of this could be that I'm a dodo. I'll cop to that. But a lot of it is I hadn't done this before. It was all new. I made mistakes I wouldn't have if someone who'd done this before was here, OR I could have asked questions.

Insight dawns: this is a bit like writing queries. No matter how clear the directions, it's easy to screw up. It would be good to have a place to ask questions.

So...from now on, IF you have a SHORT question about how to query, send me an email with QUERY QUESTION in the subject line. I'll do my best to answer. If I can't, I'll reply to say it's beyond the scope of the project.

This isn't intended for "what do you want" but more of "what font do I use." Procedural, technical questions. How to assemble the bookcase, not do I want to buy a bookcase. Figure 25 words or fewer for the question.

Clarification: this is not the place for "what do most agents want." This is a place to ask ME about MY query preferences and protocols. If I ruled the world I would make my opinion binding on everyone, but sadly, I have been thwarted in my several attempts to gain the crown.

29 comments:

My husband had the same realization when he put the second bookshelf together, (I did the first 6 months prior). Hope your fingers (and head) are OK. Having assembled a shelf myself, I commend you for not taking the axe to it.

IKEA is Swedish for Satan. Encounters with Satan can, however, lead to epiphanies (see: Eve) or as in your case, epiphanettes. I love epiphanettes, though not always their inciting incidents. Per the first comment about karmic balance, is it possible these productivity-induced injuries are part of the penance for losing so many hours to S. King's novel? Cause then, you could blame the guy who gave it to you for THIS, too! Win-win.

Also, thanks for understanding that some of us newbies are trying to do our best not to screw up our first impressions. Even though you don't take queries for my genre, I really appreciate what you're doing.

Hope you had a large Scotch to help you recover! Love the Pisa-Hoops pics! I've hooped a little myself lately--the result is similar to the one you got when putting shelves together. But I have several friends who do it gracefully. May I please steal the pic to share with them? (not writers or I'd direct them here) Nice offer, too!

Oh My Gosh I completely understand about the bookshelf—I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, and have full use of all ten digits, yet I have never properly assembled anything. I owned an elliptical that rocked, an above-toilet-cabinet that liked to swing open just before I stood up, and all manner of leaning bookshelves.

I have since abandoned all attempts at assembling anything, and would rather borrow someone’s truck and buy the display. My bookshelves are plywood and cinderblocks because stacking blocks is something I have been good at since I was a toddler.

So I know this was about queries, but the whole shelf thing gave me that “oh my gosh, me too!” warm fuzzy and I just had to share.

Your shelf story reminds me of the time I tried to assemble a cat toy (don't ask), and ended up in a heap on the floor with a DRILL. It got assembled alright, but the manufacture messed up the design and the hole didn't match up. Four hours of trying to make it work, before the drill saved what was left of my sanity.

In all seriousness, this is so wonderful -- and above and beyond. You remind me of a professor I had, once, who used to bend over backwards to try and help his students get it right. You do that. With this blog, the query shark blog, and even on twitter. You want to help writers get it right, and I think that's pretty damn awesome.

I conveniently discovered thisisnotthatblog and this particular funny not long after reading this. http://thisisnotthatblog.com/2011/12/19/building-furniture-and-the-five-stages-of-grief/It seemed to fit.

Kudos and barrels of bourbon to you for a brave and dangerous offer. Once again you go above and beyond to help authors in need.

Note to the wise: I was an avid reader of Query Shark (though not a victim) and put its principles - and those on this blog - to work. I promise you Janet knows whereof she speaks (and I have an awesome agent to prove it).

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I'm a literary agent in NYC. I specialize in crime fiction and narrative non-fiction (history and biography.) I'll be glad to receive a query letter from you; guidelines to help you decide if I'm looking for what you write are below.
There are several posts labelled "query pitfalls" and "annoy me" that may help you avoid some common mistakes when querying.