Just a little relationship advice here Please!

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vonn2016 wrote:

Okay so to begin with my SO and I are expecting in January like most of you ladies on here, and I know I've gotten myself in a sticky situation here but long story short... to start off with he is a really good guy! Helps with cooking, cleaning, works, own vehicle, caring, considerate and more! only problem I've been and still having is that he is just not my type! sounds crazy after such a good guy that he is and having a baby on the way, but ok I've had to tell him to keep his teeth brushed and hygiene up, hair cut and beard shapped, and things like that so obviously there are some attraction problems, although he is not a ugly guy at all, just problems with keeping himself up and also not trying to tell too much but he's also not pleasing to me in bed! I can tell that he is just very inexperienced! I told him over and over again about how I didn't want any more kids right now and why like so many times! ik we both did the do together but I also know he intentionally tried to get me pregnant based on how his parents were wanting a grandchild from him, and how he just really wanted to be a father! But I also explained to him how theres more than just having a child by someone like that's a life long relationship, not just temporary! b/c I have a child already so I know and its been peer D hell having to deal with my sons dad! in and out of court, stalking me, restraining order, came and shot in the house with my son and SO and more! Trust me that's not even the half! But ok back to the point! SO has also witnessed a lot of this from my sons dad so he actually got to see how bad of a time it was for me! but he still continued on anywho I had the apppintment setup for birth control but found out before the appointment that I was already pregnant! I wanted to get an abortion like right away, but a few things kept me from doing so, I talked with him and he literally cried, my relationship with God/ belief, and the lady's at my local pregnancy clinic talked me out of it and kept in contact with me! So I'm keeping the baby but like I told him if we ever split that I was not keeping the baby that he would have to take care of him or her because I wasnt going to be a single mother again because its already hard enough for me, so he agreed! My whole question now lady's since y'all know a little of the back ground I mean is this something that y'all have been through where your not into your SO or it was an accident or something of that sort or just fell out of love or something similar and things actually got better? I mean can it be fixed over time and maybe I gain feelings for him or do I just need to let him have the advantage of finding someone that is really for him and me doing the same and we just co-parent or what? I mean I just don't know I'm tired of just not feeling the same way he does about me! he likes to hug and kiss for an example but because I feel the way I do I can't really just be freely affectionate with him ... he does other things unatractive to me as well like stutters, and unsanitary things like not washing his hands or bathing after sex which is a turn off to me but are just some examples!... but help help help I don't wanna make this post way too long where no one wants to read it! Thanks lady's in advance and please keep your rude comments to yourself cause they want help!

Were you more attracted to him or more physical (hugging/kissing) before you conceived? I am usually very physically touchy with my husband and I find him so attractive but right now I don’t even want to hold his hand,snuggle, etc. For me I know it’s temporary.

As far as the hygiene...id be pretty blunt. There have been multiple times my husband has tried kissing me when he hasn’t brushed, and as nice as I can I say something like “can’t wait to kiss you once you brush!” Not like “yuck, ugh, go brush!” Maybe after sex suggest a shower together?

And as far as not pleasing you in bed...if you truly believe it’s inexperience...well then you get to play teacher and get him to do exactly what you want. I see it as a clean slate! Try looking at that as a positive lol.

every person needs a bit of “polishing” to be great and it’s much easier to help a guy learn to be more hygienic or how you want it in bed then to teach one how to keep a job, have good character, and be responsible and care for his kids. Attraction is fleeting. You may feel it on and off with the same partner for years. Love keeps you going in those moments. You have to decide to put the work in. You have to have a lot of really honest conversations with him. It’s hard because it would be so much easier if they knew already exactly how you like things but the work you put in is worth it. And it will bring you closer. Best advice I ever received before my husband was that men are oblivious and do not have a crystal ball. If you want something you have to ask for it even if it’s weird and uncomfortable at first. He sounds like he wants to make you happy and that is huge.

Were you into him before you conceived? If not - I would probably say the two of you probably shouldn’t be together. It’s not really fair to him to be with him when you’re not all in, baby or no baby. I would talk to a lawyer or someone and come up with a custody/co-parenting plan, or, if you’re serious about it, a plan to give up your custody of the baby once it arrives. Maybe your feelings for him would change but it kind of sounds like you’re over it/him. Do what is best for you, but also take his life and happiness into consideration.

good call on the crystal ball. My husband said so many times in the early years “I’m not a mind reader” and I finally realized I have to actually tell him what I want/need. Can’t assume he knows, can’t just hint.

thanks so much Graefulmomx3 for taking the time to read my post and replying ... and actually I was more so attracted to him for the good guy he is! what really stopped me from being into him before was the hygiene, noticing how he would spray on cologne without bathing and put on extra deodorant with out bathing in a day... I mean I know we all have our lazy days but their were just too many and lol when you said you would just be blunt... at first I threw little hints that were obvious and he still didn't get it so later which was about a week ago I got very blunt! and lol yes thats another thing I kind of liked the thought of as well with him not being with a lot of women by his inexperience and I can tell ik too much information but how fast he climaxes, and how he moves... also another down side is he's not very big at all so it really flustrates me when I only get not even a good 3 mins of play time when I finally do really want it ... cause my drive is also not as high as it use to be .... and I try to play teacher but when he can't even hold out on the books, how can I even get started on the lesson lol

Slrodgers16 thanks so much as well for giving me your feed back as well your post was sooooo true in every way and thats also a reason why I chose to stick around because the good did out weigh the bad... and he also actually listens to me when I tell him these things that bother me and reassures me that he can fix them for me and how he didn't notice some of the things like for an example letting him know to trim the hair underneath his arms because they were just too long and other things like that. and you are also right about not having to coach him on how to keep a job, be a good man and those main key points that he should naturally have ... lol I like how you actually probed in to everything I was saying and put them into perspective! and yes also y'all are right lol... No Crystal Ball ... haha

addymk thanks as well for your feed back! yeah that's exactly the flip side that I was looking at , because I also don't wanna hold him up nor myself from actually finding that husband or wife that coulf actually be for us if this is something that just can't be healed with time! because I actually do care much about my time/life and happiness thats the big reason why this is such a big deal but I would like to be in my child life completely I just do not wish to be the primary care taker b/c I do currently have a 1 yr old that will be 2 in November but yes you get the point ... Thanks so much greatly appreciated

I can’t with bad hygiene. You need to definitely talk to him about it. Not a constant reminder but sit down and talk about it. I’d tell him if he wants a kid he needs to set an example for the kid and do what a human being is supposed to do to take care of themselves. Washing hands, showers, etc. You’re not his mom or keeper.

Good luck! It sounds like he is open to your guidance and what you need from the relationship, so that’s really good! And I totally get it - you should NOT have to do it on your own even if you aren’t together. From the sounds of it, this guy is happy about the idea of your new little one and hopefully that will translate to him stepping up, fixing his hygiene issues, and being what you need in a partner!

I can imagine the hygiene is quite a problem. Since he respond well to your prompts, could you talk to him about sex too? He really may not know his actions (inactions,) are problems. If it won’t freak him out, get him cleaned up, go to dinner then swing by an adult store. They’ll have items that can help extend intimacy or help him with being more adventurous.

mablebaby2 yes indeed so true, because if you don't take care of your self well and in a way that your suppose to, how do I expect him to guide our child and even take care of him or her like he's suppose to while they are unable to do so, but I have talked to him about bathing, brushing his teeth daily, and keeping his hands washed when needed and he has been really trying to stay on his p's and q's with it but I want this to be a habbit that he also wants! but yes I don't constantly remind him I just let him know when I address certain situations like this that I am very observant and just naturally notice almost everything! He has really good intentions and I can tell he really wants this but I wanna want this as well and I need something to hang on to

lol freak him out Thanks so much for your feedback BStarr1! yeah the adult store could be a really good idea! and yes just the other night I tried to address the sex issuses on how he tries to go straight in for the kill instead of working his way to the goodies and I also tried telling him that when he feels he is about to go to come back out instead of steady going but it was all a epic fell ended in like 3 and half mins litterally so yeah it gets very frustrating and annoying! ik too much info but hey gotta know wht y'all are working with to get the advice I need

I can't relate very much to what's going on but I know my husband can hold out longer sexually when there's a lot more of it? I know it's hard when you're pregnant, but there are probably ways you could help that in your own way as well. Sex is very important to guys, they need it.

yes your right your right Lambz3416 very so true! I understand just what your saying because if they don't get it very often they tend to tap out faster but if you can fix some aspects to keep me attracted to you and on to you like I keep you then I think we would be doing some better all around but if I'm not attracted or feel that your not clean I'm not gonna be able to look past it and pretend but thanks so much that was also a really good point!

out of curiosity because I didnt read everybody's response were you into in the beginning? Definitely not trying to make a rude comment, but did these things not cross your mind prior to becoming intimate with him? Especially if you were not the touchy touchy type and he was. knowing you didnt want future children at the moment, were you not using other methods to avoid accidents? I wouldnt want someone I was not attracted to in multiple ways but I would know my attraction to them before becoming physical anyway. Please dont lead him on if you're not really interested in him nor attracted. If you do want him, then talk to him and try to educate him on all those key areas. However, hes an adult (I'm assuming. idk your age) and no one should have to teach an adult how to clean and bath. That's somewhat nasty. (just my opinion)

thanks mommyabbof3 yes I was into in the beginning but like anyone you learn more about them and you don't know as much as you think you do until you live with them and of course it takes a little time to start noticing and actually seeing their other side come out! and yeah your kind of right in a way and I agree that sometimes I can be a little too nice and lenient when it comes to peoples feelings and my standards, but he had a lot of good things that kept me hanging on like being a real Man, such as one that I have never run into before but I have also never had these types of problems either in a guy but thanks so much for your response I guess you win some and you lose some

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