Mail.Jewish Mailing List
Volume 35 Number 97
Produced: Sun Feb 24 14:08:25 US/Eastern 2002
Subjects Discussed In This Issue:
Purim Edition
[Sam Saal]
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Alcoholism and the Shabbos Kiddush
A Halachic compendium on the Subject
Beryl Ostroff - Editor
When and where did our distinguished ancestors begin the universal
custom of elevating themselves to a "HIGHER" level using the
means of alcoholic beverage on, during or around the Shabbos
Kiddush? The answer has bewildered some of the greatest minds
for centuries, evading the depths of their infinite psyche.
But now we are able to look back on the effects that "BOOZE"
has had on Jewish history at large and come to our own
conclusions as crazy as they might seem. The Mashkidika Rebbe
brings proof from the story of Noach who after spending a full
year cooped up with his nagging wife, smelly animals and leaky
roof had no reprieve but to get smashed out of his mind after
his ordeal, wouldn't you?
What connection does this story have with Shabbos you may ask?
Because the verse says that the ark "RESTED" on the Mountain
of Ararat a perfect altitude and climate for fine vintage.
Later in history we find a multitude of references to drinking
as such, and we must ask ourselves did the "L'Chaim" change
the course of History as we know it? Let's look at some more
examples.
Now we all know that while the Jewish Nation was enslaved in
Egypt, the Kennedian Tribe from the Continent of Wales was
constantly bootlegging their way into Egypt exposing our pure
and holy ancestors to Glenfiddich and other high content
drink, making us weak and frail. And of course Pharo was
the biggest alcoholic of them all! Why do you think the
plagues never bothered him? Because he was too stoned to
notice! And anything he did see wouldn't have phased his
numb brain anyway. "Four Cups? And I'm not invited?"
he would say to himself. No wonder he chased after the
Jews like a nut, ending with his drowning in the "RED" Sea,
a familiar color on the wine circuit, and of course that
day was Shabbos!
We find a reference to this subject later in History with
the story of King David and Batsheva, whose husband just
happened to own a large vineyard. Love, lust desire,
passion, envy - POPPYCOCK! It was the BOOZE! Very few
people know that Batsheva's husband's vineyard had 14
different varieties of grapes, including a French Colombard!
Something to kill for!
Nebuchadnezzar, Titus, Haman, Balak, Bilam, Eisav, Lavan,
Achashveirosh, Napoleon - All hard-core alcoholics and we
can readily see the effect they have had on Judaism at
large.
Now that we have some historic background on the subject
we should look at the practical angle of how to, and how not
to drink at the Shabbos Kiddush. If you divide your body
weight by the amount of knishes you would regularly engulf
during a Kiddush, and multiply that number by 2.3567478 -
you should come out to an acceptable amount of shots
you can consume in a fifteen minute period, depending on
whether it is Southern Bootlegger XXX Bourbon, or Scottish
right to the Brainstem Rye. This calculation should put you
in a pleasant frame of mind by the time you get home to your
suddah, if you can still walk, and guarantees both you,
your family and guests a talkative and lively meal.
Helpful Advice to do At the Kiddush:
1. Don't hover around the bottle of Jack Daniel's like a
vulture.
2. Try to pretend that you are eating some of the food on
your dish.
3. Use a shot glass, not the 12 ounce desert cup you just
finished.
4. Stand at least 2 feet away from anyone you are speaking to.
5. Stand at least 3 feet away from you wife, guests, or Rabbi.
6. Try not to act like something your own mother would disown.
We hope that this vital information will help to increase your
joy and pleasure during all Shabbos Kiddushes.
Have a Freilachin PURIM!!!!