10 Ways Latinos Can Survive A Trump Acquittal

If Trump is acquitted, we will be stuck with him for another year. Here are some tips on how to survive.

The impeachment proceedings are under way in the Senate, but it’s almost guaranteed that the president will be acquitted. Such a decision will serve to not only undermine the federal government’s legitimacy, but also embolden Trump to continue attacks on Latinos. Below are 10 strategies Latinos can take to survive this situation.

Call Tortillas Flatbread

Everybody loves tortillas and Latin food in general, even white nationalists, who would scream “beaner” at you while ordering a frito-rito from Taco Bell. This is a pretty easy way for us to fly under the radar. Tortillas become flatbread, burritos become wraps, and tacos become meat wraps (no relation to that one truck-stop strip club). But Trump whites crave safety, and there’s nothing safer than the bread they serve at Subway.

Pretend We’re Greek

This is for Latinos slogging through the chicken-fried swamp that is the American south. I’m sure you’ve gotten those odd looks from those preppy Ole Miss fans and the questions about your Greek heritage. With their decades of delicious southern diners, Greeks are safe to the WASPs of the south, even if a gyro can sometimes be more aggressive than a taco.

If you’re feeling brave, you can possibly go with Portuguese
or Spanish, but if you say you’re Greek the chances of your diner that
specializes in stuffed flatbread getting burned down will rise markedly.

Profess Our Love for Trump

Trump voters love other Trump voters, so if we put on MAGA hats and start badmouthing immigrants, we may be able to make it. There’s a shot that it might not work, sure, but nowadays there seem to be some white nationalists with Latin names, so, progress?

Keep in mind we’ll have to pretend we’re Greek, Spanish, Portuguese, or maybe we can pass for French or Italian. In any event, think about getting ready for MAGA selfies.

Wrap Ourselves in the Flag

This goes hand in hand with being “Trump friendly.” Like the manager who pushed “flair” in the cruddy Office Space restaurant Jennifer Aniston worked in, Republicans probably bleach their assholes with red, white and blue. Think of it like a disguise.

Tone Down Saturday-Morning Cleaning

This is one of the main ways our gabacho neighbors can tell
we’re different. Who else blasts Selena, Julio Iglesias, Vicente Fernandez, and
(shout out to New Mexicans) Al Hurricane? We love our music, but it makes us an
easy target.

Say We Found the Virgin de Guadalupe on Flatbread

OK, this has been done before, but not on flatbread. And, we
really have to publicize this and get our story right. We can also use the fact
that so many Catholics are Trump voters to get some support as well. Because we
know Trump voters love fairy tales.

Move to Mexico

They tell us to go back to Mexico all the time, so why not
take them up on the offer? After all, both the U.S. and Mexico are failed
states, but in Mexico they don’t pretend to have a viable political system, and
the bearded dudes with guns actually know how to use them.

Move to Cuba

Yes, I know you Cubans may not be too keen on this idea, but
think about it: if we move to Cuba, what better thumb in the eye of Trump? And,
they have higher literacy rates and better access to healthcare.

Boycott Baseball

Without Latinos, there is no America’s game. And, on a
personal note, I won’t feel guilty missing out on the majority of the season.

Boycott Everything

Latinos do an incredible amount for this country: work, culture, and serving in the military at tremendous rates. A Latino strike would be huge, and it would likely cause chaos not only at Trump’s properties, but throughout the country.