The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: “What part of the human body increases to 10 times it’s normal size when excited?”

Jessica responds: “That’s disgusting! I don’t have to answer that question!”

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: “That’s easy…the pupil of the eye.” “That’s correct, Johnny. Very good!”

And turning to Jessica, she says: “I’ve three things to say to you, young lady… first, you didn’t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you’re in for a big disappointment!”

What Not To Say To The Police When They Pull You Over

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. Hey wait a second. Don’t I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

New Company Program

I wanted to share with you a new program the company I work for is instituting. It is called ‘Special High Intensity Training’. Here is the memo we received:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else does.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct
them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Women’s Compact Instruction Book

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• Don’t imagine you can change a man…unless he’s in diapers.
• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
• So many men…so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• If they can put a man on the moon…they should be able to put them all there.
• Tell him you’re not his type…you have a pulse.
• Never let your man’s mind wander…its too little to be left out alone.
• Go for younger men. You might as well…they never mature anyway.
• Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny.
• Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
• If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.
• A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night”.
• Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with.
• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
• If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing.
• When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

A Kiss And A Slap

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.” The General manager is sitting there thinking: “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!” The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!” The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General Manager all at the same time!!!!!

Interesting Facts

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”
It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Definitions For Advertising Lingo

NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE – Imported product.
UNMATCHED – Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY – Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC – No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY – Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH – We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.
HIGH RELIABILITY – We made it work long enough to ship it.

Other Shortest Books Ever Written

• Australian Book Of Etiquette
• A Pictorial Appreciation Of Women’s Fashion Shows In Iran
• Viking Table Manners
• How To Be Good By Amy Winehouse
• My Successful Presidency By George Bush
• My Life Of Celibacy By Gene Simmons
• Fun Things To Do In Toledo
• Great Italian Military Victories
• Polish War Heroes
• Native Esperanto Speakers
• Human Rights Advances In China
• Gun Safety By Dick Cheney
• Things I Would Not Do For Money By Dennis Rodman
• The Wild Years By Al Gore
• Beauty Tips By Eleanor Roosevelt
• Beating A Drug Addiction By Darryl Strawberry
• Amelia Earhart’s Guide To The Pacific Ocean
• America’s Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
• Detroit – A Travel Guide
• Different Ways To Spell Bob
• Dr Kevorkian’s Collection Of Motivational Speeches
• Easy Unix
• Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Everything Women Know About Men
• French Hospitality
• George Foreman’s Big Book Of Baby Names
• How To Sustain A Musical Career By Art Garfunkel
• Mike Tyson’s Guide To Dating Etiquette
• Spotted Owl Recipes

I’m Going To Guess You Don’t Need To Wear Magnums

How To Know It’s Time For An Apple

So Where Can You Get Those Anyway?

Just How Gullable Are American Consumers Anyway?

So What’s The Punishment For That?

It Was Alot Simpler Back Then

Now That’s What I Call Customer Service

Wow That’s Going To Be Usefull!

Hey Asshole Do I Look Like A Cup Holder To You?

So Just Because He’s The President, Does That Mean We Have To Let Him Win?