The Cheap Bastard's Guide to Great but Terrible Pre-Workout Meals in Dallas

Dallas: The land of real barbecue and fuck-yeah tacos. A place where figuring out where you want to go to lunch takes at least 10 minutes every day because you and your coworker get into a face-punch fight over which burger is the best burger in Dallas.

But, when you're at the gym doing Yogalates and leg-warmer-ed elliptical battles later, there are certain lunches you will most definitely (and instantly) regret.

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Behold: The 5 Worst Delicious Meals to Eat Pre-Workout in Dallas: A Cheap Bastard Special Investigation. To be crystal clear, list-makers are first and foremost OMG-delicious, and then they create the most interesting consequences at the gym a few hours later.

The meal experience: Housemade ground pork. A ton of garlic, ginger, and scallions. Chicken broth. And fresh herbs. When you're eating this, you're loving life. Everything about it is hard-ons and happiness. You down the whole thing and go back to work lunch-victorious.

The resulting workout experience: The garlic sweats. Ever had the garlic sweats? You can't hide 'em. From everyone else's smell-perspective, you just shat a whole head of colossal garlic on a 3-mile radius. Your CrossFart instructor shakes her head at you in shame as she throws a car at you.

2. Oak Cliff Coffee Roasters' coffee and two Canadian Healthcares from Hypnotic Donuts

The meal experience: You walk into Hypnotic Donuts and you're so pumped for breakfast. You're torn between ordering the chicken sandwich or the doughnuts. You want to make a bad caloric decision -- you're just not sure which one will offer you the most mouth-bang for your buck on this day. You go with the Canadian Healthcares: a long john with maple icing, bacon, and syrup. Make it two. And an Oak Cliff Coffee Roasters Coffee for good measure. It's so freaking good. You are happier than a sorority girl at a skinny jeans concert.

The resulting workout experience: You thought two bacon doughnuts and a strong coffee would be the perfect meal before you run a few laps around White Rock. It's a 30-mile run. You needed the protein. Everyone knows you can't start a workout with one of those Gu squirt things. They're filled with sugar. Cut to 20 steps into the run, and you're crapping your pants. Onlookers blame you for your own stupid breakfasting.

It's so peaceful here. You'll get too much of everything because you're in the peace-zone where nobody can hurt you. Then, you attempt one push-up and the reality of that Sriracha will hit your gut like an angry ex-eff-buddy.

3. Kalachandji's Indian food buffet. Any of it, or all of it.

The meal experience: It's vegetarian! You're eating healthy! Get all that delicious curry and papadum and everything into your belly: STAT. Squirt some of that Sriracha you carry with you in your purse on top, and you've got the best vegetarian lunch money can buy!

The resulting workout experience: All those vegetables are yelling at you from your stomach while someone's throwing kettle bells at your balls (it was Balls Day. Yesterday was Legs Day), "Aww gawd, your fire-curry-burps could kill a whole village. Side note: WHY DID YOU POUND SO MUCH RICE AND TAMARIND CHUTNEY?? Have a little self control, man! It's going to take days to sweat this out. Take a Febreze bath."

4. Zoli's garlic knots and the zucchini fries and the stromboli and a whole pizza and a gallon of jalapeño ranch

Just order this. Times 50 slices. Plus a bucket of jalapeño ranch. Then, redefine Burpees.

The meal experience: OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM (breath) OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

The resulting workout experience: "I think you're going too far with the carb-loading," they said. "Y'all are a buncha pussies," you said. Three hours later, you fire-farted your spandex all up and puked into the gears of your spin bike on an imaginary hill during the chorus of Katy Perry's Eye of the Tiger. So much sadness.

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Seems like a good idea before you do Downward Dog Day at yoga, right?

Catherine Downes

5. Pecan Lodge's TroughThe meal experience: You salivated on your way here, just thinking about the brisket. And that dang makeout-worthy mac & cheese. You waited in line for it. And then you and your friends totally went for it and ordered the trough: 1 Beef rib, 1lb of pork ribs, 1lb brisket, 1/2 lb of pulled pork and 3 sausage links. Plussed up with sides. You all finished the whole thing. Together. You are forever bonded as meat brothers. You high-fived and took before and after photos of your meal. "Best. BBQ day. Evaaaaaar!!!!"

The resulting workout experience: Although you changed clothes since lunch, you still smell like smoke from the pit. When you randomly bring up that you went to Pecan Lodge at lunch, people say, "Obviously." Halfway through your step class, you're doing the high-knee-other-high-knee-backflip-flappy-arms-switch-toe-loop and that's when they hit you: the meat burps. You think you'll closed-mouth burp it and nobody will know the difference, but everyone smells what you're doing. Thing is, the meat burps only make you crave more barbecue. That's how good The Trough is. Even at its most disgusting digestive moment, it's still a fuckin' winner.

Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.

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