and other facts we made up

Tag Archives: tough love advice

As you know by now, February is the most popular month for divorcing. So what are you waiting for? Oh, that’s right, you have a bunch of lame EXCUSES. Well, guess what – we don’t accept your excuses. Watch how we use our tough love magic to turn your excuses into a pile of garbage.

“I’m scared.”

Scared? What are you, some stupid baby? Everything in life is scary because it ends with you dying. You know what’s scarier than getting divorced? HOUSE CENTIPEDES? But you know what is less scary than house centipedes but more scary than getting divorced??Being miserable YOUR ENTIRE LIFE and then dying STILL MISERABLE.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Oh. Right. Because you’re SUCH a prize. How selfless of you to worry about HURTING her. That’s probably why you stay up late every night so you can Facebook chat with that girl you dated for 4 months in college. How NICE of you to let her stay in this pain-free sham of a marriage.

“I want to wait until the kids are 18.”

GOOD IDEA. They’ll definitely turn out perfect this way. And everyone knows that everything that happens after you turn 18 has no impact on the rest of your life. Good thinking.

“Maybe things will get better.”

They won’t.

“But it’s almost Valentine’s Day.”

NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME. Christmas is over and Flag Day is still months away. THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN RIGHT NOW. Forget about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday in the world, even if you’re HAPPY. But when you aren’t happy and you have to pretend that you are, it’s even more horrible. Save yourself the trouble of buying one of those stupid little gifts that they sell by the checkout at Barnes and Noble. A heart-shaped miniature zen garden was not going to save your marriage.

“But I work for her father.”

That is so so stupid. Don’t you have your OWN father to work for? You can get another job. Actually, you probably can’t. But you’d be surprised how much more appealing living in a box on the side of the road is to living at home with someone you kind of hate.

“My in-laws will hate me.”

Of COURSE they will. But if it makes you feel better, they probably already hate you.

“We have too many mutual friends.”

Just let them go. You really only need one friend. Surely you can snag ONE FRIEND from the bunch. Or maybe you can’t. In which case, don’t you have any COUSINS? Sheesh.