Date with Myself

A busy mother goes on a solo vacation and finds answers to some tough questions.

I stand on the balcony and stare out at the mountains. It is so quiet here I can hear myself breathe. I can hear the birds softly chirping and the rustle of the flowers that sway gently in the late afternoon breeze. I feel my hand reaching for my cell phone.

I forgot to remind my husband about the baby's eardrops. I forgot to tell him that Shani doesn't like cream cheese in her sandwich anymore. And what if he doesn't remember that Ephraim won't go to sleep without his blanket? Will he remember to defrost the lasagna for dinner? Will Kayla remember to clean her newly pierced ears without me there to remind her?

But my cell phone is tucked into the closet, and I don't want my husband to feel like I don't think he is capable of taking over. He is probably fine. Besides, the sign in the spa said: No cell phones and no children under the age of 16.

It is too silent here. Almost eerie.

I decide to walk along the red cobblestone path that circles the hotel grounds. As I walk, I revel in the stunning sunset and the fresh air. But after a couple of minutes, I begin to feel uncomfortable. Here I am, free to finally take care of only myself -- no one whining, no one pulling on me, no meals to cook or laundry to throw in the washing machine, no lunches to make or noses to wipe...just me. And for the first time since my wedding, I am all alone, and I am shocked to realize that I don't know how to speak to myself anymore.

And could it be, that despite all my achievements, both as a professional and as a mother, that I don't even really like myself? I try to shake that thought from my mind and enjoy the beauty all around me. After all, I reason, I am a very happy person. People turn to me for advice.

I allow myself to admit the unadmittable. I don't like myself.

But as I allow the silence to penetrate my mind I allow myself to admit the unadmittable. I don't like myself. And the frightening part -- and it shoots at me in the middle of this field of pastel flowers in the middle of nowhere -- is that I have no idea why.

With all the noise and hectic pace of every day life, it is always so easy for me to ignore myself. And for some reason my masters in psychology always keeps me confident. Healthy, loving marriage -- check. Happy, growing children -- check. Warm, clean home -- check. Nutritious meals and spiritual atmosphere -- check. Happy mommy? Well....mommy is content. But for some reason.....happiness seems like too tall an order.

I want to run. I miss running. I miss speed. I miss exhilaration. I peer around me as if I am about to sneak a forbidden piece of chocolate. "No one is here," I whisper to myself, and I begin to run. Slowly at first but then faster, through the trees, past the tennis courts. I run faster until I cannot breathe; until I am one with the wind and the setting sun and the soft, green grass. I run until I can no longer see or think or feel, and then I stop.

I realize that for the first time in a long time I feel...alive, and I ask God, "How can a person who wants to climb mountains stand in a kitchen and make scrambled eggs? How can a person who longs to run for miles and miles sit in the living room and help with homework, clean up spilled milk and change endless, dirty diapers? How can a person who graduated from an Ivy League university, who wanted to save the world, who spoke in front of hundreds of people, how can she spend most of the evening packing lunches, setting up outfits, reading bed time stories, saying Shema, reading another story, getting another cup of water, and just one more story and....now the baby is up. What do you do when you would rather go sky diving than wake up sleepy children, make breakfast, brush wayward hair and walk to the kindergarten on the corner?"

As I sit there on the edge of the field, hearing the furious beating of my heart, I think maybe I'm in the wrong profession? Maybe mommyhood is not for me? But even as the thought creeps through my mind, I know it cannot be true. I must be doing something wrong.

The next day I am lying in the solarium reading a book, and I find my answer.

As desirable as contentment might be, however, it does not constitute happiness. Absence of a negative feeling does not constitute a positive feeling...While being free of discontent may be fine for a cow, it does not suffice for a human being. (Happiness and the Human Spirit, Rabbi Twerski)

I think about all the times that I have been comfortable, even grateful for plain, ordinary contentment but feeling somehow like something was missing. I read further: "Being the best we can be may vary with time and circumstances." I wonder "How can I be the best that I can be when I feel imprisoned in a role that feels too small for me?" I feel guilty even as I think that.

Raising children isn't a trivial goal. Being a wife and a home-maker is praiseworthy. But why don't I feel it? Why do I feel more alive when I am running in an empty field or climbing rocks at dawn? And then God shows me the answer as I turn the page, "If we can do little but we do it wholly, we have a better chance at happiness than the person who can do much but instead does little." And the realization hits me right there in the silent solarium.

The same energy I use to reach the top of a mountain, I can use to listen to my child. The same way I can run until I am one with the wind, I can stretch my soul until I am one with His Will. Using the same mind I used to get an "A" on an Organic Chemistry exam, I can manage my household as if it's one of the Fortune 500s companies.

"Is this what you got an Ivy League education for? To change diapers?"

Why should my home, which in some ways will last forever, be run with less ambition and seriousness than a financial venture that will be gone in a century or less? And for the first time in a long time I allow that voice to surface and ask the ancient question, "Is this what you got an Ivy League education for? To change diapers?" I let the question hang in the air for a moment, my book clutched in my arms and my white terry cloth robe wrapping me in a long forgotten cocoon of comfort. And then I find my voice. It whispers, "Yes. Yes. This is why God gave me an Ivy league education. This is why God made me a marathon runner."

This has never occurred to me before. I had always put my academic and athletic achievements into a different corner of my mind. But now I realize that this is a mistake. I can climb mountains while cooking dinner. I can cross the finish line in my own living room. All I have to do is focus and put my whole heart into whatever I am doing.

Later that night I sit in an over-stuffed armchair next to the brick fireplace and listen to a 65 year old woman speak about her life. When I tell her that I have several young children, she sighs and with a far away look in her eyes she whispers, "I wish I could go back and do that again." She speaks so softly and so wistfully I can hardly hear her. "Do what again?" I ask. She straightens her scarf and looks towards the window. "Raise my children again. I spent all those years wishing I was somewhere else and now that I'm somewhere else, I would give everything I have to go back and be a better mother. We wish away those years, only to beg for them back."

On the way home from the spa I stare out at the mountains that cradle our ascent to Jerusalem, and then I read one last precious nugget, "The measure of our happiness lies in our self-fulfillment, in being the best that we can be, even -- maybe especially -- in tough circumstances. Being able to analyze our present circumstances and develop ‘a new yardstick' for the measurement of our value is the key to our pursuit of happiness."

I think about the marathon awaiting me in my home, and I begin to train my body and my mind to run the longest, most beautiful race I have ever run. I step out of the car into the noisy street, filled with the laughter of children, and I see a distant finish line weaving its way towards eternity.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Sara Debbie Gutfreund received her BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and her MA in Family Therapy from the University of North Texas. She has taught parenting classes and self-development seminars and provided adolescent counseling. She writes extensively for many online publications and in published anthologies of Jewish women's writing. She and her husband spent 14 wonderful years raising their five children in Israel, and now live in Blue Ridge Estates in Waterbury, Connecticut, where Sara Debbie enjoys skiing and running in her free time.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 42

(42)
Sarah,
June 13, 2013 7:00 PM

Thank you!

Thank you so much! This was exactly what I needed to read!

(41)
Sara,
January 24, 2008 2:23 AM

Thank you

Your article was the best inspiration for me. I am very content with my life (I have a wonderful husband and two small children) but sometimes I get the feeling that I am missing something. Your article was a reminder that it is a lifelong goal "attaining happiness".

(40)
Lee,
December 17, 2007 2:25 AM

thank you

thank you, thank you for this fantastic article and putting my own conflicts and questions right there in black and white

(39)
TA,
November 10, 2007 5:56 PM

I suffered but succeeded

I didn't come with to motherhood with a degree (did teshuvah instead at 18), but I did come with a brain. I chose to be a stay at home mom, I wanted to nurse & didn't want anyone else raising my kids. Often I felt my brain turning to mush being in the company of small children most of the time. I didn't have the ingenuity or personality to play with my kids. The park was the best alternative for me. And yes I desperately needed an outlet and still do now that my kids are older. I basically suffered a lot while my children were small. We had very little family support, we were poor, and I felt extremely isolated (for which I'm traumatized till this day). It was difficult to keep up up mutual friendships as many of my friends were too busy just keeping their heads above water. Despite the difficulties I don't regret it. I did everything in my power including crying and pleading a lot to G-d that they should have a normal Mom, and be brought up well-adjusted. For the most part I succeeded.

(38)
Batsheva Winnig,
November 1, 2007 4:05 PM

Sometimes I wonder about the value of my Ivy league education

I was glad to see another frum Ivy grad wondering about the value of her degree now that she is raising a family. I hope the spa experience lingers with her as she faces the many challenges of parenting. If only the world valued what well educated mothers contribute to family life.

(37)
soury,
October 27, 2007 3:43 PM

this article was so touchy and true and the best discription for the young mother ,that they thought they lose everything for themself just for the family . but you clear that so nicely that the responsibility and the happiness is coming toghether , thanks

(36)
Jerry Lefkowitz,
October 27, 2007 11:32 AM

Awesome

You made excellent use of your date.

(35)
Kathryn,
October 26, 2007 7:31 PM

Great article!

Date with myself caught my eye! I starting raising my 1st daughter,who is now 34 at age 19 I will be 54 in a week. And still I have a beautiful soon to be 15 year old daughter living at home. Plus another daughter who is 27. So, blessed I am.I have truely enjoyed be a mother to each one it seems kind of strange as now I am single again and soon to be on my own that I ready to start some new adventures. Undoultly I begin to find out who I am. Big challenge!!!

(34)
Diane Elisheva Kehrt,
October 25, 2007 9:56 PM

A happy mother of four and ten grandchildren it is the only thing that lasts.

All things pass, ask me I'm a widow now after 44yrs of a great marriage. You have hit the nail on the head, happiness is your choice. Even widow-hood can be a happy experience,you just have to see it in the right light. All life is an adventure. "live" Elisheva

(33)
Anonymous,
October 25, 2007 5:16 PM

Ouch!

So honest. Ouch. This article gives voice to the persistent conflict I feel. My own compromise has been to always keep involved with some professional pursuit,creative endeavor or communal activity. I have found that even if it's only for a small percentage of my time, it often is the key to keeping me stimulated, energetic and afloat the rest of the week.

Balance is the key. Our rabbi advised me to do activities which give me satisfaction while at the same time keeping my priorities straight. Having and raising children comes first. And to be very honest, with a nature like mine, it would be much easier to run a business than a home.

Another way I regain perspective is by spending time with women whose children are all grown up, it reminds me that life has stages and the key is to embrace the stage you're in, the best you can.

Somebody had to be this honest, thank you for being the one.

(32)
Anonymous,
October 25, 2007 11:58 AM

great articles

(31)
Gerhard Groenewald,
October 25, 2007 1:23 AM

Right perspective makes the difference

I'm also a non-Jewish male and I really enjoy and appreciate the wisdom I find on this website. The right perspective is extremely important. Many times we neglect the really important things in life because our priorities are wrong, only to realize and regret it later. To summarize Solomon: Life is about the seemingly little things, don't chase the wind.Thank you very much for sharing your wisdom and insights with us, or like you say in Hebrew: Todah rabah!(Pardon me if my English is not quite right, my mother tongue is Afrikaans)

(30)
Alison,
October 24, 2007 3:39 PM

Smacked across my face with reality

Hi Sara Debbie..

Oh wow. Your article on "Date with Myself", smacked me right across my face. I thought I walked into a wall. I can totally relate and am now in a dilemma like your article.

After going to college for one of the hardest bachelors degrees in NYC (Mechanical Engineering). I still am battling the sahm (stay at home) mom vs. working mom.

I think that I always need that "corporate gratification" but, I realize finally after 3 jobs in the last year that was offered, I worked at, and then quit for various reasons. I finally really believe at this time I cannot work full-time 9-5 or even 9-1 for that instant office stimulation.

Mentally, I need a challenge somewhere but, I'm just scared to make that decision one more time and quitting this last job.

I would love to get a glimpse or be a part of your new endeavor, if possible.

But the saga of a stay at home mom vs. a working mom is real dilemma. Nevermind the financial situation, lets take that out of the equation. But it is really tricky for me and am scared on how to proceed if I can be a stay at home mom 24/7. I want to be that kind of mother, I just don't know if I can be. But again, I WANT to be a stay-at-home-Mom and be able to run my household. Not just a secular household but a shomer mitzvot household.

All the best to you,Alison

(29)
Sara Rigler,
October 24, 2007 1:53 PM

Beautiful, profound article

This piece kept getting deeper, until it came out the other side. Beautiful! I'd like to read more by Mrs. Gutfreund.

(28)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2007 12:43 PM

feel happiness in the dessert

It is given to everyone to be happy everywhere.Go to the desert in full summertime and be alone listening to the birds singing.

I am married more than 40 years with children and it is great to be alone and to feel the universum.

(27)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2007 11:10 AM

I'm so sorry for those who feel that raising wonderful children is not completely fulfilling one's obligation of Tikun Olam. For those who feel that running a Fortune 500 company is more effective at improving the world. So sad.

We need more articles like these, to educate those who are are not fortunate enough to understand the difference between running a successful company and running a warm home.

(26)
Max Mitchell,
October 24, 2007 8:19 AM

Wonderful...

I'm not Jewish and I'm not a woman but I had to say how much I appreciated what you've said in this article. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if we all could make that discovery and apply it!The world is full of useless noise filling every void we have that might otherwise be used to learn who we are and it is nearly impossible to find time to relax, let alone discover our true selves.Thank you for your insight and your wisdom.

I truly appreciate the raw honesty of your writing. It's hard admit what you thought to yourself, let alone make it public. Kol HaKovd to you and thanks. You'll really help a lot of women struggling with the same thing.

I can totally relate, this summer I went on a much needed break - a Kosher Yoga Retreat - and in the middle of a yoga class I thought to myself "Someone is going to call 'MOMMY!' any minute now!" When I realized where I was, and how much I needed a break from hearing "MOMMY!" every once-in-a-while, I burst into tears. (And to the critics -- Needing a break every once-in-a-while does NOT mean I neglect my children! It's normal so stop being so judgemental!)

In your article you resolve your 'issues' beautifully, in such a Torahdik way, but I just want to remind you that you don't ONLY have to take your energy and put it into your household -- remember to take a run when you can squeeze it in and do other things that bring you pleasure, please."

I have a tape of lecture by Rebbetzin Jaeger entitled, "The Mitzvah of Nurturing Oneself" from the "Woman To Woman Inspiration" series. In it she quotes the Vilna Gaon. Here she takes the liberty of interpreting the Hebrew word ish, meaning man, in the feminine for the purposes of the discussion, because when the Vilna of Gaon wrote this it was clear he was talking about both men and women:

"A woman whose mindset is to give, and to do mitzvot, when this woman does something for her own soul, for example when she eats or when she does something pleasurable for herself, this too is also a mitzvah because it is l'sheim shamayim, for the sake of heaven."

In other words, when we nurture ourselves on a physical level, even seemingly neutral activities like eating (or doing aerobics, or painting) become mitzvahs. This is because we are not doing them just to promote our own happiness; rather, we are rejuvenating ourselves so that we can do more mitzvot, and do them b'simcha.

First to Elizabeth -- yes she has an obligation to use her talents in the world beyond her own doorstep, but there are seasons of life. There is a season for activism and as season for nuturing yourself and your family. There's no need for her to 'take on the world' right now if doing so would burn her out and hurt herself and her family. When the children are older, there will be time to use her talents even more than she is doing now -- so lay off!

And to Rachel who is concerned that "....the author has several children and NOW she's thinking about this stuff? I'm sorry, ma'am -- these are the questions you ask yourself BEFORE you bring kids into the world"

Uh...I think you misunderstood. She was not completely questioning her role as a mother and considering leaving. She was feeling burnt out, took a break for reflection and rejuvination and during that time had the courage to be honest with herself and ask herself difficult questions. If she was considering leaving her family so she could "fufill her potential" elsewhere I would agree with you that it's too late to think about such an "escape plan" now -- but that's not what she was doing. Her questioning was a process of recommitting to the importance of her role -- So quit lecturing!

(23)
Alison Kalman,
October 23, 2007 1:48 PM

Getting in touch with Sara Debbie Gutfreund

Hi..How can I get in touch with Sara Debbie Gutfreund. I would like to consult with her. This article is amazing and I'm part of this articles category. Thank you, Alison

(22)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2007 7:27 AM

Why do women have to become Super Women

these days? When a Woman chooses to marry and have a Carreer, she very often has to give up alot. She gets burned out working 40 hours a week maintain a home be a wife and mother as well as a Career Woman. She gets very little help from her family/ espcially her husband. And if she gets help from her family it is often has to be asked for/ not given freely, and often when the woman is burned out. And out of desperation she asks for help/ often at the breaking point of her life. Because she is often viewed as weak if she needs any help and asks for it, G-d for bid! She must be Superwoman and do it all, if not she is viwed by this community as a total failure! I feel this is an unfair burden to place on women today, and never do the men have this guilt and burden like this? Two supposely loving and caring people marry, they should work as a team to build a decent home together. Both should pull their weight, and if they can't don't take on this responsbility at all! If this seems mean, and bitter, I am truly sorry, but I am tired of seeing the pain of the women who I treat in my practice as a Social Worker first and second generations Frum Jews of all ages feeling burned out, and used up. And Yes my experience as a Single Divorced Mom does infurence my view on this as well. Let us teach our kids to be helpful, and caring spouses- not looking for what they can get out of marriage= to be both givers and takers= not one thing.Thanks for this article.

(21)
gutfreund,
October 23, 2007 3:55 AM

the e-mail for the forthcoming, anonymous addictions/destructive habits e-mail support group is saradebbie@gmail.com

(20)
Elizabeth,
October 22, 2007 11:10 PM

Not meeting all your obligations

I agree with Anonymous (below). If you have an Ivy League education and enough talent to run a Fortune 500 company, you are NOT doing the world a service in the spirit of Tikkun Olam by JUST "running" your household and raising your children. If things are right within your home, as you say they are, I believe you are morally OBLIGED to use your talents and intelligence outside the home to spread positive changes in your community, your country, and the world.

(19)
Rhonda,
October 22, 2007 11:35 AM

Thank you

Your article has blessed me.I am a single mother,and it seems lately,I am trying to figure out,whats missing ,is there anything missing,wheres my close reletionship with God,as I struggle to do all I need to do,are me and God o.k.????? What am I doing right,The hardest thing is how do you hear his voice or feel his presence when you are trying to do everything? And those questions bring you to trying to figure out,am I doing enough or too much,is this o.k.? Well your article gave me comfort in knowing that my role as a mother is important to God,I still have questions,but I feel as if I want so much to be a great mom,and I want God to guide me and to be pleased with me

(18)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2007 10:04 AM

Lowering your standards

Running a Fortune 500 company is harder than running a household. Running a marathon is harder than paying attention to your children in the afternoons. Why do you have to give up your dreams? Are you sure if you rewrite your dreams that you won't regret it later and resent your children?

(17)
Barbara Bensoussan,
October 22, 2007 9:56 AM

raising kids is only one stage and an investment for the future--yours and klal Yisrael's

The strength of the Jewish people is that our brightest, most competent women put their best energies into raising psychologically sound, intellectually stimulated children. It's a chance you only get once in life. And you know what? Even though right now it seems like you'll be elbows deep in dirty diapers forever, take the long view and know that this too shall pass; your kids will get older and you'll have more time to pursue your other talents and interests. Plus you'll find yourself blessed with children and grandchildren to to fill your later years, unlike many career women whose personal lives got sacrificed, ironically, on the altar of "personal fulfillment."

(16)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2007 8:13 AM

I really enjoyed this article because it is so refreshing to hear a mother talk about the mixed feelings of wanting to be at home and wanting to be out in the world. I don't think mom's express this enough because they might feel guilty about it. Thank you!

(15)
Anita,
October 22, 2007 7:09 AM

Rachel

Rachel, I think you missed the entire point of this article. We need to take time for ourselves and not loose ourselves in taking care of others. There needs to be a balance. This is what this article is about. This article is written from the heart and with honesty , which I find to be very inspiring. I found this to be a wonderful article!!

(14)
Nechama Burnham,
October 22, 2007 4:21 AM

Sara--I read your latest article,was inspired, and remembering you from the writers' conference, decided to go back to your earliest article and read my way forward--you've done the best of what Sora Shapiro talked about in her talk on "self-revelation," giving us a piece of yourself and your experience that we too can reflect on and grow from, framed in your beautiful descriptions of both the physical landscape and the landscape of the heart. Yeyasher Kochech!

(13)
Anonymous,
October 22, 2007 2:18 AM

Totally understand you!!

Dear Sara Debbie, well, we've met at the writer's conferences, and after I share a few thoughts here, I should just call you on the phone,and tell you how much I totally could relate to what you wrote!I too graduated from an Ivy League university, ran a marathon, biked cross country, traveled the world.A few years ago, when I was determined to finish a book I was writing, I went on a little "retreat" to finish it up. I brought with me old journals to help supply material for certain chapters of the autobiography that I felt I HAD to finish.And I too,had that uncomfortable feeling about abandoning my family in pursuit of this seemingly higher, more important goal. I tried to ignore that feeling.The strangest, most unexpected thing happened while I was perusing through the pages of one old journal. Written 18 years earlier, on a mountain top in the South American Andes, amidst the vivid descriptions of the native people and my musings on the meaning and direction of my life...a startling entry caught my eye. In Feb., 1985, before I was even married or living in Israel, I had written:"I could stay here and write for weeks, but no, my purpose in life is to bear children and create a family. My ultimate responsibility to G-d is to be at home."These words just jumped out at me from my own past. I was stunned! Within a few hours, I'd packed up all my notes, papers, pens and took a bus back home to a joyous reunion with my husband and children. And though the priority balancing act remains a constant challenge, I always try to remember that powerful message that I WROTE TO MYSELF before I was even Frum!Loving our children is an eternal work. We are building an eternal foundation. It takes tremendous awareness, knowledge,guidance, and continuous inspiration and contemplation. It takes, intellectual thought and creative imagination. The reward is a deep bond with our children, which helps their deep bond with G-d, which gives everyone the foundation to be a source of Love and Kindness in this world that SO much needs more Love and Kindness.Keep up the vital, essential work Sara Debbie, and all you Mom's everywhere! And Dad's too! And grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, educators! All the kindness we Give to others, increases Hashem's showering of Kindness on us.p.s. It's important for Mom's to exercise: walking, swimming, dancing, etc.! Go for it! Natural endorphins increase our simcha!

(12)
rachel,
October 21, 2007 6:34 PM

I didn't get this....

....the author has several children and NOW she's thinking about this stuff? I'm sorry, ma'am -- these are the questions you ask yourself BEFORE you bring kids into the world. And lest you think I'm barefoot, pregnant and not very bright -- I have a law degree from a top US law school, as well as excelling at several avocations. And none of that matters a whit compared to my children's health and happiness -- in fact, I only went to law school so that my husband and I would be better able to provide day school educations for them.

(11)
yonah,
October 21, 2007 5:44 PM

this article speaks to me

Thanks for the integrity and emotional honesty it took to share your insights with the public on Aish. Yasher koach!

Brocha v'hatzlocha.

(10)
Ali Gutfreund,
October 21, 2007 4:55 PM

Run, Sara Debbi, Run....

AND KEEP ON WRITING!!! What a fabulous, intimate, honest, inspiring and motivating article. It made me want to put my sneakers on and run down the street. Thank you for your honesty and candidness. You expressed what so many of us feel - being an Ema, wife, daughther, student, worker, social activist and peace maker. Thank you for allowing us to stop, think and most of all, remind ourselves to dig deep when searching for true inner happiness.

(9)
Chana L.,
October 21, 2007 4:41 PM

Perspectives

I could relate to this article, remembering those overwhelming years of motherhood, when raisingmy four children were the focus of my life. Now they have all grown and gone, the last two just recently, and the house is way too quiet now. Like the 65 year old woman, if I could I'd like to go back in time and try to do things differently but somehow I don't think it would be possible.

(8)
Moriah,
October 21, 2007 4:16 PM

Great article

I changed careers from being a professional engineer graduated from an Ivy League college to a work at home homeschooling Mom, bli ayin hara, doing the things I love, learning Torah and teaching Torah to my children. I utilize my background in engineering to design and develop professional Chumash workbooks for my children and other Jews to enjoy! I love what I do. Your article will help other professionally trained Jewish women to validate their feelings and utilize their gifts from Hashem for the most important things in life!

MorahMoriah.com

(7)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2007 2:09 PM

interested in parenting and women

very beautiful storoy!

(6)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2007 1:36 PM

So bored at home

This article asks exactly the questions i face today. I'm so bored in the afternoons looking after my wonderful children. I'm always looking for something that might lift my day. You have to train for a marathon - everyday can't be filled with such excitement. Some days you have a good training session and some days not. I know I'm home for all the right reasons. I'm just so bored at the moment. I guess I'll try your approach of focusing more and putting more into it. wish me luck!

(5)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2007 12:39 PM

unbelievably profound

I have been struggling with this for years. I feel like I could run a multi-million dollar company, but I can't run my house and feel good about it. thank you for this beautiful piece. You put it in words with extraordinary insight while facing the painfully honest feelings of being a mother and not feeling equipped for the job.

(4)
Lorraine Calev,
October 21, 2007 12:21 PM

Beautiful and thought provoking

wonderful ,wonderful and so meaningful.

(3)
Laya,
October 21, 2007 10:59 AM

thanks for the reminder

thanks!

(2)
Anonymous,
October 21, 2007 10:06 AM

This article spoke to me personally

Dear Sara Debbie, I read many articles on Aish, but have never felt compelled to write to the author. This article touched me in a very deep and personal way. I felt as though you were speaking to me alone. I too have an undergraduate degree in English; I am finishing my masters in social work; I have three children with another one on the way I"YH; I used to run forty miles a week and I attended a small, well regarded liberal arts college in America. I too have struggled with the idea of contentment versus hapiness and have felt that I don't recognize or like myself anymore, since giving up so much of myself to be married and raise children. I too have been wracked with guilt to have those "ungrateful" thoughts so lacking in faith and spirituality. They are truly a reflection that we are doing the hardest job of our lives. I am still thinking about the way you resolved the conflict for yourself and trying to let that sink in and see if it works for me. I just wanted to let you know how much your article touched me and made me smile at the idea of other women who are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings and are in a similar stage of life. I hope to read more from you, especially on this topic. Perhaps our personal or professional paths will cross one day (I once spent a Shabbos in Telzstone with Rabbi Akiva Tatz). Simone

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!