10 Weird Things That Can Mess Up Your Sex Life

As you probably know, there are a lot of ways you can screw up your sex life. Some are pretty obvious once they’re explained, but others can be pretty crazy. Here are ten of… well, you’ll just have to see.

The issue is that smell plays a huge role in how human beings communicate emotions to each other, with feelings like “nervousness” and “fear” being regularly transmitted through odors before they’re communicated with words or body language. Losing the ability to smell when your partner is turned on or even if they’re sexually compatible with you deprives men and women of the confidence they need. Of course, I’m not saying that you should go around sniffing people in bars or asking them to smell you before you try to bring them home, but… actually? Yes, that’s what I’m saying, because that sounds hilarious.

So go do that now.

Using An Android Phone

According to an OKCupid survey, iPhone Users have an average of 10-12 sexual partners by age 30, with Blackberry users coming in a decent second at 8 and Android trudging along at the back of the line with an average of 6.

There’s no obvious reason, but since Android users are more likely to put out on the first date we’re forced to assume it’s because they’re just desperate. I could make the obvious joke about how iPhone users aren’t just getting f*cked by Apple (like Wired did) or I can talk about how Android users are probably getting better at swiping their own screen — but I won’t, because that would be crass. And I’m never crass.

Basically it’s proof of the idea that if you don’t take care of yourself and never try to get laid, you won’t. So if you’re feeling bad about your lack of action, a shower might be a good place to start.

Going it solo, if you will. Saluting the man in the canoe. Typing with two fingers. Sending yourself some morse code. Celebrating independence with a private, personal fireworks display.

You know. Masturbating.

Taking Oral Contraception

Despite the fact that the whole reason for the pill’s invention is to give women the opportunity to have more sex, countless studies continue to prove that it actually kills women’s libidos.

Anecdotal evidence aside (You’re sure to meet someone who can carefully explain how because this isn’t true for them, it must not be true for anyone.) science says that the pill makes you not wanna have sex.

IUDs and condoms are fine, though, so go have whatever kind of fun you feel like.

Not Being Spiritual Enough

Having a well developed sense of spirituality not only leads to more frequent and satisfying sex, but it may also be the most fascinating difference between men and women.

While spirituality (not religion these are very different) is the single most powerful determining factor in a woman’s sexual behavior, it is much weaker and has the opposite effect in men.

Women who are more spiritual have more frequent sex, with more people, are more satisfied by it and less likely to use a condom. Spiritual men, on the other hand, have less sex.

This is most likely because men aren’t as likely to equate satisfying sex with emotional openness the way women are.

For example, couples that only have sex once a week are more likely to take more work to use up that extra energy, which then leaves their mana-well far too low to cast the level-6 Boner-Bolt their partner so desperately needs.

And as the stress builds, having sex becomes even more difficult, until you’re drawn down into an entirely sexless void where everyone always wears clothes and the only thing on TV is Matlock.

The harder you pump those blood vessels in your brain, the less pumping you’ll… well, you get the picture.

Weirdly enough, there’s something of a parabola in the high school years, that quickly becomes more of a straight line as you get older: in high school, low intelligence and high intelligence are both associated with less sex, so it’s the average Jill and Joe that are stealing cigarettes and blowing each other’s minds in the third-floor bathroom during fifth period.

But as they grow up, the dummys have a lot of making up to do, and boy oh boy do they ever make it up.

The smart folk never do, though. They live their lives cold and alone forever. All of them.

If you think you’re smart and having sex then, well, I’m sorry to say that you’re wrong about one of those things.

You’ve all heard the story about Squinty-Bill, the ordinary teenager who was corrupted by internet porn and turned into a sex-crazed maniac who blew his parents’ entire 401k on hookers in Las Vegas during one orgiastic weekend.

Yup, while you may not go blind, the truth is much, much darker: porn will slide its spindly needles of addiction right down your eyeballs, curl them inside your brain, and rip all the parts out that make sex work.