Tag: family

I’ve been working on being less self-conscious, and realizing that in doing so is accepting all of me, even the “bad” parts that I instinctively try to hide. It may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me.

The first step, was when I pretty much wore my filter mask the entire day… traveling at the airport, airplane, etc. I wore the mask. It made me feel different even though I knew the mask was cuter than the surgical ones I used to wear.

Cons:

-felt like some ppl stared and tried to be chill about it

-got tiny bit humid after forever and kind of a hassle on my ears

-caught myself in the mirror and did not feel pretty

Pros:

-got kinda used to it after the 2nd hour

-was more breathable than surgical masks

-whenever a person coughed or sneezed close to me, I was no longer super paranoid that I would get sick soon after

2) Wheelchair all day today:

Cons:

=stuck out very much and was pretty self-conscious, especially at moments when I got up and a couple ppl stared esp since I had no broken legs to show for using a wheelchair

-got no perks at the theme park since you can now pay extra for express lane

-had no freedom for movement since I was pretty much pushed by family all the time (dependent)

-became very aware of anything like a rope or steps that would be super flexible and easy for a walking human (inconvenient)

-did not like feeling so much shorter than everyone else

Pros:

-was kind of nice to be “pampered” almost by my family, who willingly pushed me around taking turns

-was much more attentive personally to other wheelchair-users

-no longer had headaches or felt like passing out, esp on the rides that were more extreme

-no longer felt past the point of dead after a few min of walking; however, felt that point approaching at the very end of the day (ah! lasted till the end :D)

-speed was much faster to reach all the attraction spots since we were now walking at the avg human pace, not mine

3) Oxygen:

Used oxygen during the plane ride when I went to the bathroom, and my oxygen level dropped to an 85, but then went up to a 91 after a few seconds.?? After oxygen use it went up to a 97. Walking from car to the hotel room my heart bpm was 158, and oxygen dropped to a 90, but standing still goes up to a 93 after a few seconds as well.

Other Cons:

-I still had a few moments where I felt like I might break down because my mind started to wonder to the fact that I was so dependent that I would not be able to experience a day like today without the help of being pushed around by someone else, and that my body would only get worse

-Didn’t particularly want to take any photos while sitting in wheelchair, but also didn’t mind as much as I used to

-my brother seemed kind of bored at times, and it made me feel a bit more like my family wasn’t enjoying with me but simply accompanying me to make me happy, which made me feel a little burdensome but they did seem overall to enjoy themselves on the rides.

Other Pros:

-During the plane ride here, I saw a brief moment where my dad sort of held my mom’s hand for a few minutes- Why it’s significant: I don’t think I’ve ever seen my parents affectionate much like that, esp for no particular reason (like leaving the country for a month) I thought it was nice.

-I had a heart to heart with my mom on life randomly last night, just talking about some of our problems and experiences we have had with people in general

-my brother more than just the typical gestures of niceness like treating us to dinner today, but actually asked me if I was okay at one point and also asked me if I needed oxygen in the car, and that meant more to me than treating us to dinner tbh

-The Harry Potter castle ride was FREAKING AMAZING. So was drinking butterbeer and seeing Hogsmeade. An Ollivander’s wand is $70- I would buy one if it actually had magical powers… but instead, I settled for a Gringotts key keychain, and a Pumpkin juice drink for souvenirs. Also had two delicious dinners in a row, one at Sonny’s BBQ, and today at Bubba Gump’s Shrimp restaurant. YUM.

-Other highlights: The Incredible Hulk, the first roller coaster I’d ridden in like 10 years… really fast and smooth. the Skull Island King Kong one was not bad as well. Seeing cute little kids geeking out in full Harry Potter capes and waving their wands made my day.

But on the reals, the half of me that keeps feeling sorry for me lost out today to the half of me that wants desperately to succeed and is somewhat winning to be happier and look at all the green grass I’m standing in now.

Gratitude–

My parents took me out to Korean BBQ, which is actually what I would choose as my last meal.Sashimi, side dishes, perfect grains of white rice, and KAL BI??What more can a person want? ~ pics to come ~

They also are taking me to see my first Broadway show, and it’s Lion King no less, this Sunday!!

My best friend gave me a beautiful handmade card and $100, which I was super reluctant to accept.But then she explained that this money is going specifically to me buying music software, and that made me feel so happy that someone believes in me so much that they’re willing to encourage me and invest in my skills. :’)

I’m going to let myself splurge a little to reward myself for everyday that I struggle.After GREs, Lauren and I are finally going to try out that Island Spa.

At my birthday event, whatever that ends up being, hopefully I’ll see a lot of people I just miss, and do something to cross off my bucket list, like Indoor skydiving or going to a shooting range.

My brother called me to wish me a happy birthday even though he’s super swamped with work

My study abroad friends immediately granted my wish to mass Skype them all!It was such a good feeling.I’ve never clicked so easily with a group of people so fast before, even after almost a year on and off of communicating, we pick up right where we left off being dumbasses and laughing and reminiscing.We’re going to reschedule another one so more people can make the next one 🙂

Even though I feel a bit bummed about close friends not wishing me a happy birthday, I was able to look at the glass half full rather than half empty.Two years ago, I just kept counting every single person who didn’t wish me well, but this year I was able to shift my focus instead on every single person who took even a few seconds out of their day to say happy birthday.

I now know what older friends have been saying to me in recent years: that once you hit past that 21st mark, each birthday really isn’t exciting anymore.But 2015 has been generally decent to me, and hopefully my 23 is the same or better.

Paramore concert- not a particular fan, but was cool to see their live performance regardless

Fondue nights with friends surprising me with late birthday gifts

My lanyard and key turning up randomly, which saved me $50

Eating at a Michelin star restaurant in NYC and visiting the Whitney museum

Morning graduation! Holy shit made it

Teaching me the value of my favorite quote:“You’re either a Blessing or a Lesson.”I think Frank Ocean said this. Too true.Senior year answered and offered me everything I felt I had been missing the previous year.Friendship, epiphanies, great college professors, more independence, and branching out on new skills I really wanted to gain

To my father- who tirelessly works to make sure we have everything we need. Who singlehandedly comes home from work in the late evening, but still has time to run errands, wash the dishes, cook dinner, vacuum the house, watch Jeopardy and Family Feud with me at 7pm, help with GREs, and fill up my humidifier for me before I get to bed. Drive me to Penn Hospital, make my favorite beef noodle soup, and let me nag him endlessly on eating healthier. Who patiently listens to me and tries to cheer me up with punny jokes that are only sometimes punny.

To my mother- who always did her best to put our needs before hers.Who moved to a foreign country to give us a better life, and lecturing us to make sure we knew the value of hard work and discipline.Who would stay up late nights to give back rubs when her child was feeling discomfort or had trouble breathing.Who would make sure they were warm enough every night.

To my brother- who in his own way is there, trying to be there in his own way.Who is a solid role model to look up to by taking care of himself and being successful and independent.Who spoils with Christmas gifts, comes home on the weekend with a birthday cake, makes sure the family is somewhat sane, and who wrote a Facebook post saying how proud he was of me.

To my neighbor and childhood best friend- who played with me despite me being different, who carried my oxygen tank around the playground so we could hang out, climbed Mabel (our tree) and broke her damn arm and didn’t sue me, survived our friendship despite a brief fallout in middle school, tolerated my Korean drama life, and saved me from my darkest hours.Who is goofy, doesn’t give a fuck about others who are rude, has no censorship, and burps the most wondrous sounds.

To my high school best friend- who stood up for me when others didn’t, offered me sanctuary at her house, generously showed off Chicago (Bean and Deep Dish Pizza, ‘nuff said), and genuinely cares.Who is level-headed, intelligent, and kind.

To my college best friends- who fended off Brazilian men who came on too strong (and maybe other dudes) for me, housed me as the 5th roommate, fed me,braced awkward moments with me, listened, argued, encouraged, and comforted, whose willingness to drop me off in front of places so I don’t get sick, carry my heavy bags, Tinder troll with me, debate the meaning of life, tolerate rants and rambles, and accept me.

Thanks.I love you.End sappy letter.

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About Me

I like red pandas and the color orange. This is my stage jolting down thoughts about social and cultural issues, which include chronic illness, physical and mental health, the environment, feminism, race relations. Some in-between personal journaling.
Just wandering around trying to find my niche in the world