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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Letters to the Editor: Furious Flu

(This letter is in response to areviewabout The Flu that appeared on this site on December 15, 2009. This letter was dictated toReputation@Stake, who recorded it verbatim from a rather irate flu.)

To whom it may concern at the Non-Review:
You couldn’t be more wrong in your horrible review of me, and I wish to address some of the fraudulent allegations you made concerning me and my fellow Influenza brothers. First of all, there was the preposterous rating that I was given of -27 hells out of 14. This clearly shows that you have a personal and political and grammatical axe to grind against what should be considered a highly respected disease. The fact that you can’t even have a -27 in a rating system that goes up to 14, throws your entire review of me into the realm of the absurd.

Also, I do not understand why I get a bad review just because your immune system sucks. All I did was have a small party in your veins, with a few friends and a couple of movies. You’re the one who failed to call in your—may I say Wimpy—white uniformed blood cells. Your pathetic show of force should not be a strike against me or my reputation.

You went on to say, “The thing on my face, that once I called a nose, has been replaced by a faucet from hell.” Sounds to me like your nose should be getting the -27, not me. Then you added, “Cheeks hurt, and not in a fun way; and my eyes are all a blur.” Well excuse me for not making your cheeks hurt to your specifications. I’m rather busy, trying to infect the masses, and I don’t have time to wait around for orders from people who apparently need glasses, but would rather blame me for their vision problems.

So overall, I felt quite slighted and completely misrepresented. You even offered what should have been a compliment and made it sound like an insult: “What goes down, threatens to come back up.” I’m rather proud of that. Do you realize the logistics it takes to perform such a maneuver? That is a multi-staged attack on both the stomach and the brain, and also the esophagus, and is quite difficult to pull off. But you’re giving people the impression that it was a bad thing. Your review denied me the respect I so richly deserve. And because of that, I may just have to come visit you again.

They is gonna inject you with dangerous virus' the same way they stuck that Russian journalist. You know too much, bitch. And you opened your yap and exposed the secrets. AND THEY CAN TRACK MY CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU BACK TO ME. Now my ass is grass. AAAAAAAAA...cough cough