Life can be scary sometimes, full of countless choices and forks in the road. Especially when it comes to pizza. There are so many toppings, sauces and crust styles available. How can you be confident that you’ve made the right choice? What if you make the wrong one? Well, have no fear. Here are some surefire ways to be totally sure.

You like the pizza– Are you eating pizza? (YAS) Does it taste good AF? (YAS) Are you not allergic to any of the ingredients? (YAS) Are you definitely going to eat another piece even though you’re already kind of full? (YAS!!) Congratulations, you chose the right pizza.

You eat some the next day– While eating an entire pizza in one sitting deserves praise and respect, sometimes you just can’t finish the damn thing. And that’s okay! It just means you’ll have LEFTOVERS. You’ll wake up late the next morning and walk over to the fridge expecting to see the usual bag of shriveled arugula, Brita filter, a mostly-empty bottle of soy sauce and some flat diet coke. Then you’ll open the door and be greeted by the heavenly presence of enough pizza to put off going to the grocery store for another few hours. Grocery stores are the worst!

You’ve had it before– If at first you like your pizza, order it again (and again and again and again.)

Someone you like and trust recommended it– A real friend will never lead you astray in the pizza ordering department. If they do, run away as fast as you can and never talk to them again.

It’s pizza– Unless you pull a Mary Kate and Ashley and put literally everything in your parents’ fridge that you took without asking on top of a perfectly good cheese pizza during a bullshit sleepover with your creepy ass friends, you’re probably going to love your pizza. Because it’s fucking pizza.

And that’s really all there is to it. Don’t be intimidated by all the options out there. Just believe in yourself and order the dang pizza, you freak! ❤

If you live in the Chicago area and like to laugh at how terrible human beings are in general, then come see “THANK YOU, THAT’S ENOUGH” at The Second City. Written by me and seven other weirdos. Performed by six actors who are sure to make you spit your drink out at least once.