Sunday, March 09, 2008

In a surprise move, the Indian Election Commission(In.El.Com) has decided to do away with free and fair elections and introduce paid, unfair elections from the next general polls. The decision comes after complaints of widespread rigging, especially in the Hindi heartland, were reported by common people and Dr. Subramaniam Swamy of the Janata Party, who also complained of malpractices in Standard 10 examinations in Madurai. Speaking to retired reporters, part-time citizen journalists and veteran Laughter Club members in Bangalore, Chief Election Commissioner N Gopalaswami, sporting a very becoming, trademark vertical line on his forehead and a Dolce Gabbana kurta and a sarong, said that there had been enough populist policies followed and sops given by governments through all these years by making elections free and it was time Indians learned they had to pay for their democratic privileges. This would, he assured the large gathering, ensure that only quality votes came in and quality candidates got chosen. There was no motivating force quite like competition and this would make sure that the best man, or woman, or both, or neither, won, he said. After this, he and Dr. Subramaniam Swamy went away to chat in Sendamizh, which no one understood, with occasional uses of 'kaTTappaNai,' 'kuzhaigaL,' 'kizhakku' and 'amma inge vaa, vaa, aasai muttham taa, taa' being heard.

The format for the elections will be quite simple. Much like the very popular IPL, the candidates will be auctioned off all across the country and will be bid for by small groups of eligible voters. The highest bid for a candidate will win that candidate for that constituency. This deceptively simple strategy has left many a pollster, pundit and psephologist stunned.

"What will we do after this?" pleaded noted bearded man, Yogendra Yadav. "I have lived all my life predicting elections and examination results. What will I do now, knit?" This heartfelt plea brought tears to the eyes of all gathered at the venue of the election commission announcement. Noted auteur Adoor Gopalakrishnan, aged 180, was also present on the occasion and said he hoped this would inject a dose of fresh blood into the Indian electoral system, as opposed to actual blood being injected in some locations in the Hindi heartland. Noted wicket-keeper Vijay Dahiya was also present on the occasion and said "Comment vous appelez-vous?", much to the bafflement of many political commentators. Not-quite-as-noted child artiste Varijashree, somehow present on the occasion, bowed to the demands of no one in particular and belted out immensely popular renditions of famous film and Carnatic songs, "Hum bhi paagal, tum bhi paagal" from 'Janata ki adalat' and "Baagayanayya nee maayalento" by renegade composer, Tyagaraja. Noted horse, Tootsie, was, really inexplicably, even in a bizarre world, also present on the occasion and commemorated the event by urinating profusely, but quietly, in a corner.

The introduction of paid elections is expected to bring in huge revenues for the government, with pre-poll bookings touching Rs. 100 crore on the very first day. This is higher than the box-office takings of 'Om shanti om' and way higher than those of 'Saawariya,' which was described by one critic as the bluest film since 'Deep throat.' The government, in a touching gesture, has decided to set aside a whopping ten percent of this amount for women's welfare, starting this International Women's Day.

Unexpectedly, the move has drawn flak from many quarters. "This will impede Delhi Metro work," complained Delhi Metro Rail Corporation chairman, E Sreedharan. "We were planning to extend the Delhi Metro further, to Lucknow, so that the journey time taken for a person travelling from Central Secretariat to, say, Agartala, would be reduced to a little under three days, from the present four and a half weeks. Now all that has been put paid to." Undaunted, however, drilling work has begun in earnest in that direction, surprising many, since no official requests, directives or orders were given and no clearance was sought or obtained by the DMRC. The drilling has bored huge holes all under Delhi, leading to noted rats, rabbits and gophers leaving the city in a huff, complaining that such disrespect was never proferred them before.

The going has not been all tough, though, for the election commission and the government. The move has come in for praise from Rhodes scholar, Girish Karnad. "This is a brave and honest move by the government," said Karnad, sipping coffee. "After their Bharata Ratna debacle, there was only one way they could go and that was up. This is their first move in that direction." Noted activist Medha Patkar's presence near him was not noted by reporters, leading almost to a constitutional crisis when she nearly died of suffocation due to the fumes emanating from Karnad's SUV. The move has also come in for praise from Navin Chawla, election commissioner, who promoted the move in the first place. "This is a fantastic idea mooted by me," gushed Mr. Chawla, in his usual, modest vein. "This will keep the fascists out of the elections and allow the Cong...the truly democratic(yes, that'll do) candidates to come forth and be fruitful."

The press conference and this news broadcast were abruptly interrupted when this correspondent unexpectedly decided to retire to a room to watch 'Juno.'