How to Say "No" to Volunteering

Can't say no to a good cause? Five ways to get your helping-out habit under control

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Maybe you're still smoldering about that night last fall when you stayed up late painstakingly crafting 150 pumpkin-shaped sandwiches, only to learn that the teacher you were helping sliced them all into unrecognizable quarters the next day. Or perhaps you've been browbeaten into serving on so many committees that you're spending more nights away from your family than with them. Or you've been editing your church newsletter for so long that escape may have to involve the witness-protection program.

Volunteers' selfless efforts power America's schools, churches, and civic organizations, but many women eventually come to feel that, far from being meaningful and rewarding, their efforts to give back are exhausting and unappreciated — and maybe not even worth it. Women, especially working moms, are more likely than men to sign up (in 2007, 29.3 percent of women gave time to a cause, compared with 22.9 percent of men), but turnover is high for both sexes: 21.7 million Americans (nearly a third) who volunteered in 2006 didn't continue in 2007, reports the Corporation for National & Community Service (CNCS).

What goes wrong? "Many groups are like leaky buckets," says Robert Grimm, director of research for CNCS. "They can't keep volunteers, mainly because they don't use them very well. People show up to help with an event that's poorly organized, or they're given some trivial assignment. And they think, Why am I wasting my time?"

But part of the problem may lie with us. Sure, we want to make a difference, but many of us let ourselves become overcommitted. We may feel that we don't have the right to refuse a worthy organization, or it may just be hard to relinquish the belief that we're absolutely essential, speculates Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D., a former psychotherapist and the author of Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much. "Women really worry that without them, the rummage sale won't happen," she says.

Even if something in our approach to altruism has gone awry, however, that's no reason to abandon our better impulses. "Volunteering is supposed to be rewarding," says Jonathan S. Abramowitz, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and director of its Anxiety and Stress Disorders Clinic. And the potential fringe benefits of raising a hand are immense: Volunteers can make a difference, form friendships, learn skills, gain a greater sense of well-being, and they may even be healthier than their less altruistic peers.

Here are five of the most common ways you can get trapped in unrewarding volunteer work — plus escape routes that will help you manage your desire to do good, so everyone benefits, including you.

Volun-Trap: "I can't help feeling guilty when I say no."

For many of us, refusing a plea for help just feels wrong. However, what underlies our desire to be nice is not always, well, purely nice. One ulterior motive for our altruism is that we tend to assume that it will be reciprocated — so it's a way to keep ourselves and our families safe. "We're seldom conscious of it," says Jay Phelan, Ph.D., an evolutionary biologist at UCLA, "but on some level, we're thinking, If I do this kind thing for someone else, eventually, someone will do something for me." Another, less obvious, reason: "People have a big biological investment in appearing to be nurturing," says Phelan. Over the years, "we have come to find that nurturing trait attractive; it indicates who will be a good parent." In other words, evolution has favored nice — it gives us a competitive edge in the mate-snagging race. But never saying no means that you may well grow too overwhelmed to be able to do anything nice for anyone — least of all yourself or your family.

Next: The Escape Strategy

Escape strategy: Forget your feelings; focus on whether you could actually do the work well.

What to say: "I'd like to help out, but it's important to me to do a good job. Right now, I'm just stretched too thin to take on this commitment."

Why it works: This refusal acknowledges what matters most — that the task needs to be done. It's also just good manners: If you think you'll wind up doing a halfhearted job, regardless of whether it's because you're overwhelmed or because the task just doesn't interest you, the asker deserves a firm, fast rejection. And don't worry that the work won't get done, says Abramowitz. "Volunteer recruiters will tug at your heartstrings," he explains. "But they're all about getting their job done. By the time you say no, they're already asking the next person."

Volun-Trap: "I hate to turn down a cause I love, but I'm spread too thin."

Most of us suffer from an embarrassment of riches when it comes to worthy volunteer opportunities, from those that feel obligatory, like the PTA, to those that change people's lives, like Habitat for Humanity. But overcommitment leads inevitably to burnout. You've probably experienced the symptoms: After your latest giving-back stint, you didn't feel ennobled — you felt like you just had an encounter with a vampire.

Kelly Crespin learned this the hard way. In addition to homeschooling her two kids, she works part-time on the staff of a local church — and at one point, she was active in six different groups. "My volunteering was draining all my energy," says Crespin, 42, who lives in San Antonio. "It got so that I was dreading a lot of it." That's the telltale sign.

Escape strategy: Home in on what matters to you most.

What to say: "Raising awareness for muscular dystrophy is undeniably important. But since my time is limited, right now I'm concentrating on my work with [fill in your cause]."

Why it works: Focusing your efforts helps you stay sane. Grimm suggests that you figure out what's really important to you, and then run any volunteer request through that internal filter. That's what Crespin does now. "My criterion is this: If it doesn't benefit my family, my kids, my husband, or me in some way, I just say no," she explains. If a new opportunity is just too tempting, say you'll consider getting involved — in 2009, after you wrap up this year's duties.

Volun-Trap: "I'm always signing up for things that take way more time than I expected."

Volunteer extraordinaire Kirstin Naley, 33, admits that she overdoes it. "I am constantly raising my hand," she says. "Recently, my daughter's kindergarten teacher asked me to make gingerbread men for the class to decorate. I didn't tell her I'd just had elective surgery — I baked and transported dozens of cookies, even though I still had stitches." Naley routinely bites off more than she can chew, but she knows why. "I'm a self-proclaimed efficiency expert," she explains, "and I always think that I can find a faster way to do anything and everything. Even when I know it's completely nuts, I just keep taking on jobs."

Many of us overcommit because we overestimate how much time we'll have in the future, found researchers at Duke University. "This week is crazy," we'll say, "but next week, I'll be able to cram in 50 phone calls for the animal shelter, no problem." The trouble is we forget that the same things cluttering our calendars this week — unexpected work obligations, family crises — are likely to pop up next week, too.

Escape strategy: Take a deep breath — and a 24-hour time-out.

What to say: "That sounds like a wonderful project, but I've overcommitted myself in the past, so could you please tell me how much time you think this will entail? Then I can look at the calendar and my other responsibilities, and I'll get back to you about whether it's realistic for me to take this on, too."

Next: Why It Works

Why it works: Resisting the impulse to make an immediate promise buys you the time to do some homework. Start by asking questions about what you're signing up for, but keep in mind that the person answering may well be lowballing the actual time commitment just to get you to agree — or she simply may not know. So think the project through carefully yourself: Will meetings be involved? How often? Is background reading required? And then plan as though you have only half as much time as you think you do; it'll provide a reality check on your estimate.

Volun-Trap: "I want to help — but all I'm ever asked to do is stuff envelopes!"

Your doing-good gig has to fit your abilities and desires, or you'll lose interest fast. "If your real strength is writing marketing plans, and your group just wants you to serve meals or distribute fliers, you're unlikely to stick with it," says Grimm. "Who wants to stay with a group that doesn't appreciate your talents?" Smart, innovative organizations put volunteers to work in areas where they can be most effective and happiest. But many others treat them like interchangeable warm bodies.

Escape strategy: Offer up the work you love.

What to say: "I've found in the past that manning the phones is not my strong suit. But I really love more creative jobs — if you need help decorating next year's gift baskets, I hope you'll call on me."

Why it works: When your individual talents match a group's needs, the healthiest kind of symbiosis can result. Take Amy Clark, 24. There are lots of reasons she should help out at the Neenah, WI, Boys' & Girls' Brigade: She was a member as a child, she has friends there, and she knows how much teenage girls need mentoring. But what really makes her volunteer job there work for her is that it lets her pursue her passion for photography — she spends much of her time snapping candid shots to create a record of the kids' activities. "Because the club has latched on to how much I like taking pictures," she says, "it's made for a perfect fit."

Volun-Trap: "When I sign up to help, I get sucked in forever."

Some needy groups simply absorb all your time and energy, and never let you go. Anybody who's ever been unlucky enough to attend a PTA meeting where a perma-president harangues the same weary 11 moms is all too familiar with how such groups create their own Bermuda Triangles, repelling new volunteers even as they enslave the old ones.

Escape strategy: Build in an expiration date.

What to say: "I've enjoyed being treasurer this past year. But just because no one else has volunteered for the job, it doesn't mean that I'll continue indefinitely. When my term is up, I'm leaving the board."

Why it works: Schaef says she learned this lesson in setting boundaries years ago, when her daughter was in grade school. "She really wanted me to sign up to be a room mother, so I did. My daughter loved it, and so did I — every single piñata party," Schaef says. But when the school year ended, and she was asked to serve for a second year, "I realized that I had filled out my term (and well), I had a sense of closure, and emotionally, I was done. It was someone else's turn."

If you have any residual guilt about enforcing your volunteer term limit, Schaef counsels you to remember that you're being a good role model for others: "If people don't step down, new volunteers will never have the chance to step up."

Next: Mastering the Manipulators

Mastering the Manipulators

Let's face it: Some volunteer coordinators are scarily skillful at guilting you into stepping up. Here are five of their strong-arm strategies, and responses that will help you extricate yourself gracefully.

The Emotional Blackmailer: "If you won't agree to organize the awards banquet again this year, it just won't happen!"

Comeback: "Maybe that's a good thing — if it really mattered to people, they'd be more willing to get involved."

The Helpless Chairperson: "You're our only hope! No one knows how to run the book fair but you!"

Comeback: "You'll be fine — it's not hard to figure out. Just have your new book-fair person call me. I'd be happy to train her."

The Mad Martyr: "Why won't you help? The same five people always have to do everything!"

Comeback: "I know, and I appreciate how hard you work. I hope to be able to do more in the future. But right now, I just don't have time."

The Repeat Offender: "Any chance you can work on the membership committee?" (Asked after every church service.)

Comeback: "Recruiting volunteers takes constant effort — and your persistence is admirable! I'll forgive you for asking every week if you forgive me for declining each time."

The Shameless Flatterer: "You write the best newsletters."

Comeback: "Thanks, but I've learned so much from this job, I'd really like someone new to have the same opportunity."