It’s a chilly November evening. You’re alone, in Perkins, where no one can scream without starting an Asian race war. You’re hiding from feminists, powerpoints, your girlfriend, your Shooters girlfriend, a sober Saturday morning, calories, and the Greek Conduct Board. What do you do? Where do you go? SGD has saved you, well sort of.

The men of SGD know what true fear is. Fear is that some sororstitute might overthrow our sweetest bros in the race for Young Trustee. Fear is that Duke women are trying to undermine the values instilled in us by Soulja Boy. Fear is that the fuzz will discover our child porn collections. Fear is realizing that one day SGD chapter meetings could be run with over 30% slampiece attendance. (more…)

Main Quadrangle—Hundreds of troops forming almost a dozen legions were spotted on campus today, marching and training for what Duke Intelligence Agency officials have warned could be an attack upon campus soil.

Sources at Intercampus Police have confirmed that general infantry movements were spotted in areas previously thought to be impenetrable, like the Chapel and McClendon Tower.

A state of emergency has been declared on campus, yet it is still unclear what the growing army wants, Duke administrators say. An unidentified member of the army’s fifth legion allegedly told one civilian that some of the army’s demands include the immediate repainting of the Bryan Center in pastel colors, like aqua and pink; a mandatory restriction on the number of calories students may consume per day; and a dramatic increase in the number of pearl earrings worn by civilian females.

They are discussing making the Nov. 13 game against the University of North Carolina at Greensboro a Greek Night. Although no definite plans have been set, Black said Greek students would likely be admitted to Cameron after the first several hundred students waiting in line get in. Black said that such an action may help boost attendance because Greeks prefer not to attend events with unaffiliated students.

“I want the Greeks, especially fraternity members, to know that they don’t have to be in the same stadium as independents,” Associate Head Coach Sean Werjerviski said, “Greeks have more social influence and are generally more important than independent students. Why shouldn’t they be able to dominate basketball games in the same way they dominate West Campus real estate, Campus Council funding and the University social scene?”

I was deeply saddened to learn that you will not be participating in our annual Lip Sync event during our fraternity’s Derby Days. I ask that you reconsider your decision, not for me or my glorious fraternity, but for the children. Derby Days is a fundraising event that directly benefits the adorable and possibly orphaned children of Duke Children’s Hospital. These children depend on your ability to striptease for basic necessities like coloring books and cookies.Without an annual event that objectifies women, many of these children will go to bed feeling unloved by the cruel, cruel world. (more…)

OSAF—The Greek Students Association is on the verge of lodging a formal complaint after a series of disrupted meetings, publicity events and other activities, the group’s president confirmed today.

“We are becoming increasingly frustrated with misinterpretation of who we are and what we do on campus,” GSA President Ajax Thanos said, “Greek students are all about friendliness and having a good time, but this crosses the line.”

The disruptions began the first week of classes, when the GSA began advertising for a “Greek Students Meet and Greet” one Friday evening.

“We scheduled it for this little classroom in the Physics Building,” Thanos said. “We were going to have some hors d’oeuvres, you know, some grape leaves and feta cheese. Instead, 200 guys in polos showed up carrying cases of Miller Light.”

Members of the GSA attempted to stop the unwelcome guests from entering, only to be told that their exclusivity was “so not frat.” (more…)

Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life—Members of the University’s fraternities and sororities proclaimed their superiority over independent students and members of Selective Living Groups in a three-day celebration that ends today. “We want to make it very clear that members of sororities and fraternities are inherently better than those who are not members of these organizations,” Dean of Fraternity and Sorority Life Caroline Partners said. Activities during Greek Weekend included rolling in fountains of money, throwing beer at unaffiliated students, and disturbing the ability of others to study by playing Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.” “It was a bromantic couple of days that I will never remember,” Interfrat Association Treasurer Thomas Snail said. (more…)

Women’s Center—The University journal Carpe Noctem alleged in its September issue that females cannot be douchebags, prompting outrage on campus, Women’s Center Director Diane Radne said. The President’s Special Committee on Gender Equality will examine the issue in depth in a series of town hall meetings designed to illicit action plans from the student body. “We need to ensure that female douchebags are not overlooked when we talk about campus culture,” Student Government of Duke Sophomore Senator Carrie Feliz said, “There are female douchebags at Duke and their self-esteem is undermined when male-dominated institutions like Carpe Noctem assert they do not exist.” Radne claims that female douchebags, although more elusive than male douchebags, can be found in most humanities classes and a few sororities.