According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand greas...

WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

CLEVELAND—Having watched in horror as their team crumbled after a 3-1 World Series lead, members of the Cleveland Indians expressed concern Thursday that the organization has been cursed for building their franchise on an incredibly old Native American stereotype.

HARRISBURG, PA—Instructing volunteers to remain alert and pay close attention to every individual who arrives at their voting location, the “Trump Election Observer” section of Donald Trump’s campaign website reportedly trains supporters to spot any suspicious skin colors they may see on Election Day, sources confirmed this week.

COLUMBUS, OH—Going about his daily routine without any knowledge of what would transpire in the near future, local black man Richard Phillips was said to be blissfully unaware Thursday that his name would be a social media hashtag by the end of the week.

NEW YORK—Regretting the missed opportunity, local Islamophobe Rob Alderson expressed disappointment Monday when the manhunt for the New York City bombing suspect concluded before he even had a chance to indiscriminately vilify the entire Muslim community.

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Expressing frustration at not having left the house sooner, local bigot Doug Weber, 43, was reportedly annoyed late Monday night after discovering that the mosque he intended to deface had been vandalized before he got there.

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism from an increasing majority of Americans who find the team’s moniker offensive, Washington Redskins officials announced Wednesday that they were legally granted the right to use the name by the 1807 Treaty of Blackwater Creek.

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

MILWAUKEE—Frequently choking back tears, African-American computer technician Michael Shaw bid an emotional goodbye to his wife and 6-year-old son before making his morning commute Thursday, sources confirmed.

COLUMBIA, SC—Saying that his services had never been more in demand, Andrew Lewis, a local black man who supports flying the Confederate flag, announced plans Monday to triple his media appearance rates.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Expressing satisfaction with the unexpected bump in his polling numbers, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush confirmed Monday that he was astonished by how easily his stance on removing the Confederate flag from the South Carolina Capitol set him apart from the rest of the GOP field.

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Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

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WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.