Monday, January 17, 2011

May 20, 2007 LOVE IS THE ONLY ANSWER

May 20

I think this will be the end of this Chapter

This will be where I will leave off and send this out and get your reactions, before I give you anymore of my secrets. I do not want to push anything on anyone who can not handle the truth or is not concerned. I would love to get your feedback. If I don’t hear from you I understand and this is o.k. Because I know everyone has their own lives and this should be paramount. We all have our own journeys to follow.

So I finished my 4th drink and my journal entry around 5:00 p.m. yesterday and fell into one of the deepest sleeps I have ever had. I woke up around 5:00 a.m., watched a little CNN. Ohh, everything on television once again is making me question so much. This morning Larry King was interviewing various authors. One of them was Deepak Choprah, a man I admire. I have read many of his books, including the one of Synchronicity. I should look for his new book. Maybe it will enlighten me further in my investigation.

There was another author. Can’t remember her name? Her middle name was Kennedy (wonder if she is related? – I have to check this out too). She has recently written a book about why she is so disappointed in the church even though she is still a Christian. She brought up some valid points. Points I was mulling in my mind before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. However, after being diagnosed I was afraid to delve into these subjects, because it is one of those signs that people look for, to verify if you are manic or not? I just can not help thinking there is more to this than an unwell mind.

As I am writing this there is another shooting going on in the states. Once again there is some crazy man, with an automatic rifle shooting everything in sight. He is locked up in a church of all places.

Another thing I would like you to know is that I ceremoniously emptied the last of the vodka down the sink. This is my promise to myself. I will not have a drink until my life is in order and by order that means; I am living on my own, I have a source of income, I am in shape, my bipolar is in check and most importantly I am happy, self confident and guilt free. So if you see me with a drink I hope you will say to yourself, I’m so happy for you Lesa, you did it!

Who knows, maybe I will never drink again regardless, because there are so many other ways to find happiness. But this is something I need to definitely have control over.

Avril and I also discussed why I drink. Because obviously when you do something you do it for a reason. These are some of my reasons:

It makes me feel happy

It makes me have some self-confidence

It makes me feel I have control over something

When I felt that others were trying to control this, it was not helpful for me. I also said I was quite aware that no one had any other agenda then my own good. She shook her head and said yes, sometimes we do things that are harmful to others without knowing it. Something to that affect. I got the impression she knows exactly what I am talking about.

I told my Mom about what my goal is regarding drinking. Her advice to me was not to tell my sisters. Sorry Mom, you may be right, but hopefully this will make everyone have a little more understanding.

When I talked to Lorraine she asked me if I wasn’t worried that what happened to Debbie would happen to me! How can we compare the two? Debbie was the most tragic person I have ever met. She told me once her alcohol and drug problems started when she was 12 years old. She was my sister-in-law for 15 years until she passed away from an over the counter drug over does around 4 years ago. Her problem was so beyond repair that she didn’t have a chance.

Debbie was adopted by an abusive family. Though she could never talk about all the horrors that happened to her she had alluded some problems to me. Debbie was a very gentle, tragic soul, that didn’t have a chance in this life. I was as lost as everyone else to know how to help her. I also felt guilty for not being able to change or control her problem. We could do nothing for Debbie. She was already so damaged by life, by abusive men in her family, by a mother who was a religious fanatic. But she did leave behind two beautiful girls. So no matter how tragic a life may be, I think we are put on earth for some very good reasons. And this is Debbie’s legacy. Right now my heart bleeds for Debbie and do I think my problems are anywhere as near as bad as Debbie’s? There is no way. I would never have been so strong.

I have a feeling I will meet some special people when I enter rehab. We need to have more compassion for people who have addiction problems. We have to realize that often it is not because we are weak, but because we are strong, and life has beat us down, and the extent of our problem most likely is the extent of how much life has beat us.

Well talk about Godwinks, just had to leave the house for more cigarettes. I glanced over at the magazine rack, and what is staring me in the face; Writers Digest “Writer’s Yearbook, 2007. Did I not just mention how the right book, or in this case magazine, comes to my attention?

So if I haven’t already been thinking this way, I am certainly now thinking that perhaps the reason why everything that has happened to me has happened because I am meant to write about it.

I told Avril during our session that I was writing a book. It was about my struggles with alcohol and also about bipolar disorder, and how I felt both subjects interrelate. She said she would be very interested in reading it. Debbie told me it is smart to write about what you know and I certainly know a lot about these two subjects.

I have so much to write about, especially what has transpired over the last few years. I will leave these stories for now.

Now I feel I have to give myself a break and relax. Type this up, get out and start working on my art again. Art is what relaxes me. It is one of my greatest pleasures.

But I want to end this chapter on a positive note for myself. A few things happened the evening that I spent with the triplets.

When I was living with Diane and Brian and looking after them, when we were alone on a Friday evenings, we would have treat nights and would order whatever we wanted for dinner. They were around ten or eleven at this time.

Now that I am back here we decided to do this Friday evening. Like old times.

Lauren pulls out a piece of paper to write our menu on and is was oddly a letter that Adamhad written to himself when he left grade school. The triplets attended a Catholic primary school.

This was Adam’s final paragraph:

“I am a Catholic, and I go to St. Dunstan (which is a Catholic school, if you don’t remember) and I believe all the things the bible teaches you, and all the other things. And one thing that I hope you still do is go to church every Sunday (if you can) because when you go to Church it is a good thing.

I hope you have fun talking to me your grade 8 self. I hope you still like the same things as I do!”

Yes, this is endearing and I know this is none of my business. He is not my child but when I read this I felt concerned that what had happened to me and to so many of us, and the inadvertent guilt we felt, because we were fed these stories as gospel truth, would also happen to him. We need much more tolerance in life.

I watched an interesting program on CNN about religion this a.m. It talked about the human G-non and how there was one that made us intrinsically know the difference between right or wrong.

Men have taken passages from the bible and have used them for their own power. It is inconceivable to me how many issues that divide us have played such a huge part in U.S. elections. It is so sad that these are the issues we worry about and not about loving our neighbour or helping them. No, instead of doing this we go out and use military force against some unknown person who is “terrorizing” us. We are allowed to terrorize them but they do not have the right to terrorize us. The USA is allowed to have the atomic bomb... why is this... because they are powerful… I trust them no more than I trust anyone else in this world that holds so much power. After all who was the first one to push the button? Haven’t we learnt from Vietnam? Why is the world going backwards instead of forwards?

Off topic and ranting again. But I have held these thoughts at bay now for nearly two years and I have to get them out. Trust me I am not manic, mad maybe and maybe just a little bit wiser then when I was a child and believed everything I was told about in the bible. That I was a sinner that would never be let into the pearly gates of heaven.

So when I asked Adam if he still believed that everything in the Bible was true, I was relieved to hear that no, now that he is older some things just no longer make sense to him. How can Christians be the only ones allowed into heaven? He didn’t think God would be so cruel.

We both certainly do believe there is a good kind God out there. I think God must be ashamed of how men take the “word of God?” and misconstrue it for the own agendas. Take a look at the Vatican. Do you really think God prefers that we spend all this money and energy on a building rather than using this to help the not so fortunate people in the world?

So when Adam was going up stairs, I said, “You know what Adam, I love you”. He ran down the stairs and gave me a huge hug and a kiss, Payton had to get in there too. So this made me feel wonderful because when it comes down to it … this is the truth … Love is the only answer.

And another thing that made me feel like perhaps I am not the biggest fuck up in the world.

Before going to bed Lauren came to me and said “I know what you should do Lesa. You should adopt a child”. Oh how I would love to be able to do this. I said to Lauren that I didn’t think they would allow me to adopt a child because now I am classified as having a mental disorder. She said she knew this but she thought I would make a great mother!

Now maybe you can also win the hearts of teenagers through food, (along with Payton’s) but regardless, I felt proud and most importantly I felt loved.

What to be grateful for today: THE TRIPLETS

May 22, 2007

Ok Lesa, relax. I have to stay calm. I think right now if I’m to accomplish anything this has to be paramount in my mind. I don’t want to come off as a raving lunatic again, who is trying to help save the world. I got in a lot of hot water for this the last time. No one believed or listened to what I was trying to tell them because to be honest with you I didn't make a lot of sense at the time. Oh but what information I am discovering and for some reason what I am thinking now continues with my last journey into so called “madness”. Now one I am very much questioning both ways.

Maybe, just maybe I was not so crazy after all!

Maybe I was just misunderstood and maybe this is the gift or the curse of individuals with so called “bi-polar disorder”??? Maybe the world hasn’t been ready to hear us and doesn’t understand that there is some part of the brain that allows us to see the world in a different way. Perhaps we do have a sixth sense?

Anyway, I am investigating this. Also, maybe we are meant here for different purposes that no one understands, especially not us.

Am I afraid – you betcha do I think if I tell people what has been going on they will pooh pooh the idea – you betcha.

So what do I know? Like I said, I have got to relax about all these God Winks that are once again falling like rain.

Look where it got me the last time. Certainly not where I thought! I thought I had so many answers. I thought Bob was also part of the what ever plan there was and he would be my partner in this. I was so sure I gave him my journals to read. So when Bob said that despite all the co-incidences between him and I (and I could write pages of them, which I will one day and you can decider for yourself if I didn’t have some reason to think like I did) because it was so very, very strange, that maybe these things were meant to be pointing me in another direction and for a few days I was devastated.