There was one year during elementary school that we were taught the metric system in anticipation of the U.S. making the switch… What ever happened to that? The system is infinitely more sensible than our current mishmosh – I guess that’s what doomed it to be left by the roadside. I wonder what I could have learned in place of that. I wonder if I’ve been cheated out of some life-changing knowledge that would have allowed me to become rich beyond my wildest dreams and retired by now. I doubt it very seriously, but it is food for thought.

Why does cheesecake have to taste so fucking good?

On the whole, my Christmas break is a welcome and much needed respite. That said, there are times during this week that I am at home with the kids all day every day that I come to appreciate my time at the office just a bit more. I also come to appreciate that big bottle of Chardonnay on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator door.

When people talk about infomercial annoyance Billy Mays’ beard do they mean his facial hair or his wife?

I’ve been asked this question more times than I could ever count, “What is it about boobs that interests men?” Well, perhaps if I didn’t devote such a large portion of my waking moments to said boob worship I could offer up a theory – but I do so I won’t. I wish I knew but I don’t. Bounce. Bounce. Motorboat. Hooray! This spoken word poem has been brought to you by the miracle of cleavage.

About the Author

I am patiently waiting for the Mothership to take me back to my planet.