Refer to the codex for anything you don't know about. Or just PM me and I can help you out with finding what you would need to use.

That's not the issue, I have the code I need and it works great inside my template. The issue is that I need to use that function outside of wordpress on a non-wordpress page. The function I need is located in wp-includes/post.php, which requires wp-includes/wp-db.php, which requires wp-includes/load.php, which requires wp-includes/functions.php, which requires wp-config.php, which for no apparent reason 302 redirects me to wp-admin/install.php

Just figured out what was happening:
Wordpress when included tried to get its files relitave to the location of the calling file. Since they were in different directories it could not find them. It then sent me to the install page because it figured I didnt install yet. Here is the fix

It's okay on having the issues with WordPress. After sending you the query here, I remembered how in '08 I was clueless on how the **** I was going to include loop data on a non-WordPress blog. It's ridiculous how insanely easy it is once you know where to look.

But srsly, just PM me if you have questions or need help in the future. Don't mind one bit.