BRYAN ADAMS WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE EVER REALLY LOVED A WOMAN (TAKE THE QUIZ!)

For an absolute authority on the subject of loving a woman, look no further than pasty, pock-marked Canadian, Bryan Adams. He of the hit song 'Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?' (And make no mistake, that title is mocking you. He does NOT think you have really, really loved a woman. Bryan is a cruel teacher.) Let's see how I stack up...

See, he says ‘hear’ which is important, because I fell I've heard I think a passing percentage (let’s say 82%) of every thought. Now whether I ‘listened’ and then 'obeyed/reacted/implemented' said thoughts is another matter and one which the Bry-man never covers. So I’d say another CHECK goes here.

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See every dream

Well, I’ve heard about the dreams (plenty). Sometimes I’ve even gotten in trouble for the way I’ve acted in her dreams. But actually seeing them? I’m not even sure that’s possible outside of Leonardo DiCaprio movies (and those weren’t even invented when this song came out), so either Bryan has future sight (quite possible), or he’s loving on a level we can barely even imagine (well, duh). Either way I HAVE NOT really loved in this sense.

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Give her wings, if she wants to fly

Hmm, I have bought her a Red Bull once or twice, so CHECKITY-CHECK.

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You find yourself lyin’ helpless in her arms

Okay, yes I HAVE, but I’m not proud of this. And though I hate to disagree with Master Bryan, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t a turn on for her either. Maybe it is integral to really loving her, but I don’t recommend going fetal in her lap while a ruffian hovers nearby and she laughs derisively. Um, allegedly.

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Tell her that she’s really wanted

OH YEAH, I’ve done this. Nothing wrong with letting her know how that she's an important part of your life. I fully support this as a necessary part of a true loving relationship.

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Then tell her that she’s the one ’cause she needs somebody to tell her that it’s gonna last forever

Okay, let's not get crazy now. I don't know about all of this 'forever' nonsense. FAIL.

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Let her hold you ’til you know how she needs to be touched

I probably have to go with a FAIL here. I’m not sure that I’ve done this (or at least I may not have done it right.) There seems to be something throwing me off logistically here though I can’t put my finger on it. And I'm pretty sure don’t want her putting her finger on it.

This one seems a little creepy to me. Not sure that visions of floating ocular feti (er, fetuses) is something I really want to witness. And the fact you're saying that there is even a possibility this might happen just reinforces my belief that I should never move my eyes above her breasts. Ever. FAIL.

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You got to give her some faith

Sweet Jesus. I did not expect religion to be part of this. I’m in trouble on this one. NOPE.

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Hold her tight

OH YES, Bryan, hold her tight I do. Very tight, so tight she will not escape. And this is a real, manly-man kind of tight from which she can barely move. And because it is so full of masculine manly man-ness, it naturally comes without even a hint of tenderness.

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A little tenderness

AW CRAP. You really should have warned me.

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You gotta treat her right

Man, he really preloads the hard stuff, doesn’t he. CHECK!

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The verdict - I have PRETTY MUCH loved a woman.

Now you can see how you do. Just follow these steps and Sir Bryan assures that ‘She will be there for you, takin’ good care of you’ Though I fall short in a couple of categories, I think I did okay. Sure, I’ve got some things to work on, but it feels good to know that I am on the path to hardcore loving. A dash of tenderness and, um, eye-babies, I'll be good to go!