Digital TV Can Watch You!

BBC boss Greg Dyke today announced his plans for the new interactive channels to be offered on Digital TV. Among them include a channel which has the ability to watch you, and add a whole new dimension to existing programmes.

BBC4 will be the first channel that has the capacity to sit staring blankly at your daily antics. It has been described by BBC bosses as "reality TV plus one", and is an attempt to boost ratings on the new channels. An insider said, "people will watch anything, and when anything watches people, then it becomes such an abstract concept, it defies reality. Reality TV, I mean."

One show that will use this new feature is "Match of the Day". As you cower behind the couch, the teenage burglars run riot through your house. "Where's the defence? That's awful defending! You can't burgle a house with kids" says Alan Hansen about your fearful performance.

The BBC must also include more public-service features if it is to justify using the licence fee on the digital services. One such project is the growing of vital organs using your television set, in case of kidney, liver, spleen or backbone failure. By pressing the red button, a whole range of organs and limbs are available at no extra cost. The Archbishop of Canterbury has raised questions about the ethics of this particular feature, but found that this was actually acceptable, because Jesus explicitly stated that digital televisual organs were a-ok in an obscure passage of the Bible.

Wildlife programmes will take on a whole new dimension on the new BBC channel. Entire ecosystems will be developed inside your digital box. Every time you attempt to change the channel, eco-warriors will inhabit your remote control to prevent you from destroying their environment. Cookery programmes will become interactive, and you will be able to slap Jamie Oliver silly every time he offends you with his "happy go lucky", "Jack the lad", "annoying to the extreme" tones.

Also in the pipeline are plans to pick-n-mix your favourite aspects of different shows. For example, you could create an episode of "Father Ted", mix in Kramer and the quirky bass-lines from "Seinfeld", and then end the show in a Queen Vic revelation and the "EastEnders" drum roll.

You can even toggle on and off the political correctness feature. Would you like the traditional 6 o'clock news, or would you like Huw Edwards to blame the rise in crime on the black kids that you saw hanging around at the end of your street? It's up to you!

Exciting times for television, although the return of traditional pastimes, such as "Jack in the Box", threaten its very existence.

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