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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Just like a million other S&M loving mothers, I too read Fifty Shades of Grey. As a writer, I thought it was terrible, but I won't go into that except to say it gives me hope. But as a girl who loves me some whips-and-chains mixed-in with a highly intense romance, I say "Yummy, Yummy to Mama's Tummy" (or wherever else Christian Grey wants to punish me!)

Never-the-less, I didn't have time to read the full series (my kids needed me to read Tiger Mama ASAP), instead I just followed my sister's progress through the other two books. And, yes, Anastasia ends up like the rest of us wide-eyed innocent virgins-turned sex beasts, at home with the babies waiting for Baby Daddy to come home, tie us up and whip our naughty cellulite-ridden butts!Yee-haw!

Anyway before my brain cell forgets why I'm really writing this post... today on the radio and apparently everyday this week, a group of male Dutch DJ's are reading 50 Shades and having group discussions on what they had read the night before. When I tuned in today, they were discussing the piano scene, you know where there are some ORAL discussions (and Bach probably rolled in his grave).

Well, I almost peed in my pants laughing at these three men discussing this scene. First of all, they were like little boys giggling at words like "clitoris". Come on guys, I know you don't know where it is but don't laugh and just ask, we will gladly tell you! And then suddenly, they became serious when discussing the ORAL part of the scene. They were shocked at how well Anastasia was able to carry out her debut performance and able to swallow such a task. Ha, me too!

Anyway, this lead to the discussion that ALL Woman think Christian Grey is the ideal man! What? Christian Grey? WHATEVER! He may be hot, a sugar daddy, young and mysterious but HELLO, PSYCHO! Yes, we women love it when a man stalks us, tries to control our lives, tell us what to eat, tell us what to wear and worst of all, obligates us by a contract to have sex. Unless I am working in the Red Light District, no one is telling me when, where and how to have sex (if I ever have it). Not to mention, if a man would take me to his Room of Pain he would quickly see my ass and elbows because I would be running out of there so fast! Sorry, but childbirth was enough pain for me for a lifetime!

Yes, where was my Christian Grey when I was looking for a Baby Daddy? Guys, hate to have to tell you but, as usual you have women all wrong! Women like Men from Mars not from Planet of the Apes! We like the fantasy of Christian Grey and this is because he is NOT ideal. He is what our mama's told us to stay away from! And Guys, we are just like you, we like to have fantasies about things we can't or shouldn't have!

And if this was not enough, they went on to discuss a recent study saying women who are consistently entertained by romantic films and books have unrealistic views on relationships. No, no, no, no...whomever came out with this so-called study has it all wrong! Give us some credit! First of all, we work our asses off taking care of everyone else so we must find ways to take care of ourselves, like relaxing by escaping reality...And what a better way than reading a romance novel or watching When Harry Met Sally for the 1000th time...because in our reality, romance is hard to come by between wiping poopy butts and kids screaming during mama/daddy time! And we KNEW this would happen the minute we shot these little people out from between our loins...not only would our life change but also our relationships and most importantly our partners...it's called Being realistic...

Come on, we don't expect men to behave like these so-called ideal romantic characters. And if they did, how could we ever appreciate the small meaningful things in life...If Baby Daddy came home with flowers for me everyday and read me a love poem just before bed, it would only mean more work for me taking care of one more thing in my house and trying to keep my eyes open not to be rude when I just want to sleep. I would never learn to appreciate the small things in life like when he orders me the extended cable package or downloads all seasons of Star Trek Voyager.

And guys its ok...we know you have no clue about us...that's what we love the most, that you keep trying to figure us out! Keep trying and maybe one day you can tie us up! haha

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I consulted with psychologists. I followed advice from parenting books, friends, teachers, other mothers, my mother, grandmothers...Nothing seemed to help for much longer than two bowel movements! No reward system, consequence or bribe was big enough to keep my 4 year old son from pooping in his pants...every day. For over a year.

Then just as I gave up the battle, my son comes home from school and says to me "Mama, I'm not gonna poop in my pants anymore."

Halleluja! Miracles do happen! So I say, "That is great news sweetie! So why have YOU decided not to poop in your pants anymore?"

"Mama, I don't want to be Luca Poopy Pants anymore. The girls say I am vies (dirty). Mama, I don't want to be vies."

I couldn't believe my ears! First I wanted to cry, how dare these little bullies say such things to my baby but then came the anger. So for the past YEAR I worried myself day and night trying to figure out how to solve this most annoying problem and a group of 4 year old still-in-training-panties little girls say a few words and its solved. Noooooo, couldn't be...peer pressure in pre-school? I don't remember worrying what anyone said to me in pre-school. The only thing we cared about was who got to be the Mama when we played house. My god he is only 4, what is gonna happen in high school when he has a face full of zits and a body full of teenage hormones? God help me. Well, after I got over my frustration I thought ohhh it will only last a few days...

Nope that was two weeks ago, and no massive blowouts in the dino drawers! Just a skid mark or two...which I am fine with that after a year of shoveling s*it! But I am not fine with the fact that Mama has officially lost her little man!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Call the police, Mama peed on the street today! Yes, I peed in broad daylight just after crossing the street in front of my house. Not behind a bush or tree, but in the middle of the sidewalk, leaving a tiny puddle just in front of my neighbor's door (thats what she gets for not saying Hello).

It came out of no where, the dreaded SNEEZE. And until you have squeezed two watermelon-sized kids out, you have no idea how dangerous a sneeze can be for a woman. Knowing this handicap, I always prepare: once I get the twitch in the nose just before a sneeze, I quickly bend over, and, if I have an audience, I pretend to pick something up from the ground and then I sneeze. Saves me everytime!

But this time was different, with no warning at all, "ACHHHOOO" and the dam broke! And it didn't help that for once it was warm enough in Amsterdam to wear a short summer dress. I guess I was so distracted by screaming kids that I really didn't realize what had happened until I felt the puddle in my brand new sandals. My kids shut up with the fighting long enough to observe my shame and chant "Mama pee peed in her pants."

"No," I said.."Mama didn't pee, its just sweat, Mama's legs are fat and they get really hot."

"Wow, Mama you are fat then!"

"Yes, sweetie, lets get ice cream upstairs." And that was it from the peanut gallery.

Thank goodness, because I could see a neighbor walking up the street. I knew I had about 30 seconds to find my keys and escape inside. He would see the puddle and hopefully think one of the snot noses did it (they are often having accidents as I turn the key, Murphy's Law of Potty training).

I made it inside and none the wiser. Sandals in the trash and I am forever traumatized. Looks like it's yoga pants and Depends from now on...God I love being a mother!