Years ago, when something easier was troubling me, I asked a mentor how I should handle my desire to renew that habit. Their response was brief and profound. The advice they offered was simply, “Follow it through.” I asked what that meant. My friend explained that I should use my memories to follow through the act of renewing that habit all the way to the point where I had decided to change the habit.

So, when you find yourself pining for your Narcissistic Ex, follow that feeling through. Examine all of the experiences, good or bad, and follow that train of thought right up to the point where the only choice was to leave the relationship. During that stroll down memory lane, you’ll be refreshing memories that both attract and repel you. If you are completely honest with yourself after replaying your mental tapes, you will once again conclude that you’ve made the right decision to leave.

Another thing you can do is get out a paper and pen and divide it into columns. Write out the good things and the bad things and use the third column for those experiences that are questionable with regard to qualitative value in your mind. Once again, brutal honesty is required for this exercise. When you see the extensiveness of your bad experiences in front of your own eyes, it will solidify your resolve to leave your Narcissistic Ex behind.

When I performed this exercise, it took me a while to sort out what I had learned. My current understanding of the entire experience that I had with my narcissistic ex is that I did love him but he never loved me. To that end, I can still appreciate the feelings that were mine during that relationship. This is important for us all because living in a belief that you imagined everything can be very destructive to your self-esteem. (This is the voice of experience speaking.)

Time does create a healthy distance from missing your Narcissistic Ex but you must reach the point of acceptance first. There are two parts to this acceptance, the intellectual and emotional phase. Intellectually, it is easy to decide you are finished with the relationship. Emotions are not as easy to untangle.

My advice to you is consistent, however. Do not maintain contact with the Narcissist once the relationship is over. They know you and how to manipulate your emotions. Because having control over you gives them pleasure, every time you reach for them, you are providing Narcissistic supply. Narcissists hate being ignored so they won’t leave you alone until they’ve found a new victim who will adore them without question.

So, how do you get your Narcissistic Ex out of your mind? Stop trying! Let them occupy that space for what you have experienced should not be forgotten and, as long as you remember, you are less likely to fall into another Narcissist’s web. While I suggest not putting them out of your mind, I simultaneously suggest that you not permit memories of them to rule your sanity. Once you work out the true nature of your experience, you will find a way to heal from a Narcissistic encounter. It is not easy and it will take time and attention, as well as complete self-honesty.

Comments

I’m so glad I came across this article. It did help answer some questions I had regarding my recently ended relationship.

For me, women are nurturers, empathetic, understanding, etc. Well, most are. So, in my opinion, when you meet a new man, you never know what to expect or what you will be dealing with. Whereas, with most women, they are understanding to the fact that a man already has children, that he maybe has depression, etc. Men are sometimes not that understanding. That being said about not knowing what to expect with each man you meet, leads me to my experience.

I met a man on a dating website. It turns out he was not from our country and was here for work. We met very shortly after he got here and things moved quite quickly. He seemed so sincere, making me a bath one night when I wasn’t feeling well, cooked all the time. He made it clear that he didn’t have a girlfriend and that we would take it day by day. However, he wanted to see me all the time. I was with him every weekend and probably 3 or 4 days out of the week.

He made it clear that he had some female friends from where he lived in another country, but that they were like sisters to him and could never do anything romantic with them. His word was always good, as he never canceled plans. In fact after our first date I didn’t text him. I figured, if he was interested he would text. Well, the day after our date, I did go home with him, he text me asking if everything was ok. I said yes and explained that I didn’t know if it was a one night stand or what. He tells me, we (men from his country) never use women. So, I’m thinking, good start!! We met on a dating site and he could meet other girls. But, like I said, I ended being with him most days of the week.

Once in a while we would have a little spat and he would always say “You disappointed me”. I would hate it. I felt like I was giving so much and trusting him. But I sure must be doing something bad. It would usually happen when I felt something wasn’t right and I was looking for him to comfort me or make me feel less insecure.

He would always say to me that honesty was first with us. Well, I think he meant he expected me to be honest and he’ll say whatever he wants to sound honest. I would think at times that he’s so respectful of me. We went to a party at a friends house. One of my friends put her hand on him in a friendly manner. He mentioned to me on the way home that he thought that was disrespectful to do in front of his girlfriend (me). Which, in fact, we never labeled ourselves. So when he did mention that I was his girlfriend I was happy. As I figured we had moved to the next level.

Now it’s close to Christmas. He was leaving to go home for 2 weeks. He told me he wanted me to meet his sons on video call when he was home. I was happy. That had to mean something. He did as he said and we talked and text often. I even met his mom and other friends on video calls. Of course, even from the beginning, I kept thinking something must be up. It seemed to good to be true. Why is that? While he was still home for the holiday, I did call him once and he was at a female friends house. I tried to leave my mind open, as he said they are like sisters. I don’t like to judge, but of course it left a tightening in my stomach. I mentioned something about him going without sex for 2 weeks, and he would say that he can wait until he sees me.

He gets back here in January and of course must see me right away. And we went back to our old situation. One night, his female friend left a voice message and they were talking back and forth. He’s telling me how she’s drunk and she just got home. That she’s laying on the couch with her dog and she wishes a man was there. My radar went right up. I know I mentioned how I thought it was strange and he said we could video message his friends the next day. Never did.

Come February his job was almost done. He told me that he may be staying for another one but that he had to talk to his boss. He tells me one day he spoke to him and he would tell me later that night what he said. So, later I ask and he says he’s very tired and we’ll talk about it the next day. I go to his house on a Thursday or Friday and spend the whole weekend. I didn’t want to be pushy, but he doesn’t mention anything of what is going on. At least give me an idea so I can be prepared. Sunday night was the SuperBowl. My friend invited us. We went outside and I asked him, so what’s going on. He said that he was leaving the next week and not sure if he was coming back. I literally had to drag it out of him!!!! I was furious. I was nothing but honest the entire time. Now, a lie or omission. I stayed at his place that night as I had some drinks. But, I made it known that I was infuriated. That how could he keep this from me. If I had something important to tell him, I wouldn’t use a lame excuse like I’m tired. I would make time for him.

If he was ever mad at me, he would not say good morning to me. The next morning I woke up and got ready for work as fast as I could. He came in the room and said good morning. I couldn’t say a word. I got out of their like a bat out of hell. He even asked if I needed help with my bags. Then, I don’t hear from him. NOTHING!!! I text him as I needed closure to why he did this. And he tells me do you remember what you said last night? You disappointed me!!!! Again, I’m a disappointment. And I honestly don’t recall saying anything bad. I was NOT that drunk.

I’m texting him to really end this and he would ignore me. I asked to come over and he was out with his bosses. I tried calling, he ignored me. I asked, you’re ok with things like this and he would say again, remember what you said that night! I didn’t know what to think!!! He left and I was heartbroken. No closure, no answers. Probably just the way he wanted it!!!

I’m not a stupid girl and found out some horrible things. His friend who is like a sister, is actually a woman he has an open relationship with. No wonder she never liked our Facebook posts. I even found their profile, with a video of them having sex when he was away for Christmas.

It’s been very hard to move on. He has blocked me, but all I really wanted was answers, the truth. If not, it eats me up inside.

I now know from looking back how narcissistic he really is. He always cooked and I’m sure he partly did it to hear what a great cook he was. He clearly cannot be alone. He constantly requires female attention. When I sometimes wanted to hear from him that he wanted to see me, he would get mad and of course be disappointed in me!! I found out that he told his female friends and ex girlfriend that we were coworkers. Funny how he always wanted me to post stuff on Facebook, yet he never really did. Just so it looked like I wanted to post it, not him.

The awful spin that you go through with a man like this is awful. You’ll never get the truth, they’ll ignore you and block you when all you want is answers, because he’s got his other women. They’ll make you feel like you really are crazy and a bad person. I actually considered suicide, because I thought, I really put a lot into this. I did sweet little actions, I was supportive, I listened. But for him to say I’m a disappointment, I MUST REALLY BE A BAD PERSON!!!

The hardest part for me is no closure. Even an I’m sorry would help me move on. But, here I am trying to put my pieces back together, hoping they all fit again.

The ending of that really hit me. She refuses to speak with me or give me any sort of closure. When I tried to talk to her her dad texted me and said to “stop being creepy.” She also turned a pretty good friend of mine against me. What hurts is a close acquaintance of mine knows what she is, yet refuses to do anything about it. I knew it would come to this, but it just really sucks to be led on and thrown into the sea of despair.

Narcissists have no empathy, very cruel, critical and manipulative. I did the mistake of contacting him after my couple of months with him in a distance relationship and it was a very wrong choice I made, only realizing he was playing games with me, which might seem more obvious to more experienced people, but was all new to me. At one point he said though ‘I’m glad you’re fighting with yourself to understand me’ to which I should of just left the conversation. However I ended up over-explaining myself, beating myself up, trying to figure out what was going on, although I knew I didn’t want to be with him and was just wasting my energy justifying myself to someone who did not only cheat on me, but dumped me in the most cruel way..

Anyway, if indeed we live life backwards, it took me 6 months to realize why I spent my time figuring out things, and realized that my subconsious thoughts were coming out, being processed, although I was not being 100% honest with myself. If I would of have avoided contact things would of have been even better. But I tried stupidly ‘figuring out’ what was wrong with him, if not me, for continuing to engage with something that was harmful for me. I told him all I knew, saying he had low self-esteem, but I wasn’t realizing my needs in all of this, and was being subtly manipulated into thinking I needed him. He had even told me he didn’t love me, and was a very arrogant asshole. I wasted my time, lost my sanity and concentration to try and figure this guy out, which eventually ate away at my self-esteem.

After having done some research and gone to a psychologist, 4 months later, I realized I was indeed being manipulated, and I was blind to it almost completely. He knew very well he was exploiting me, feeding off my anxiety and emotions to boost his fake ‘self-esteem’. Anyway, lessons are sometimes learned the hard way and I managed to forgive myself and made a conscious decision to be more vigilant next time round of selfish ‘enigmatic’ bastards like he was.

I forgave and forgot him, but I will never forget in me the immense anxiety, worry and hurt it created as I was being abused ever so subtly and manipulated. I made the mistake of telling him my weaknesses so obviously he used them against me.. I might have been his victim, due to also having almost no personal boundaries of experience of this before, but i’ll never sell my soul or give my power to someone like that again. Turns out I didn’t know him at all, and he just kept me trying to guess him, or subtly telling me what to do, making me think I feel that way, lowering my guard and placing more attention onto him.

Know I know I have needs too, after my self-esteem touched rock bottom, I was completely fucked up but I survived, and am much stronger today.

Hi I have been Narco free for 8 weeks now..except one time when I advised him that information would be in the mail with regards to his health. He also suffers from alcoholism called Wet Brain. Very dangerous.. last episode.. he got arrested in his own back yard all by himself. The neighbours called in domestic violence. I was at home thanks to having a wisdom tooth pulled… YEA!!!! Saved by an extraction. anyways… I saw the light when he asked me to scratch out I am taking steps to correct behaviour in the apology to police letter. When I told him about the information I had sent he advised me that I no longer had to worry about his drinking.. (that is because he has another already to look after his drinking troubles)
Lucky for me the ex-N is not at all smart.. he is good looking and has all the toys and a good eye for things.. apparently I was a good looking thing! That is a compliment in itself.
I live very close but not with so again lucky me. I have had to let a few neighbourhood folks know that I am not with that guy anymore and to my surprise they knew he was nuts, and I guess I have new acquaintances and we talked about REAL things like books and writing. No exchanging numbers or anything but coffee in the future looks promising.
I am in therapy as this Narco brought to light that my Mother was also.. I fell into deep shock and am now coming out of it…I have had a life time of this BS behaviour and my therapist reminded me how brilliant I have lived my accomplished life in spite of it all. He told me that I have a intuition that is above many he has encountered and I will be fine as long as I continue to heal my inner child..

Me and my girl go for lots of walks and enjoy nature and will continue to love and grow…

Gosh this is such a painful process! It is nearly impossible to go NO CONTACT with a narcissist, as they have no boundaries or respect. I had to save up evidence to prove to the police and the court that the my narcissist ex-fiance was harassing me. Last week I was granted a five-year restraining order based on the evidence I provided. The narcissist knows that he is NOT supposed to be contacting me, but since we had the order, he calls me about 5 times a day.

He is hoovering me, leaving me the most loving and beautiful text messages and voicemails. What breaks my heart is that I know that this is manipulation (intellectual), but it doesn’t take the pain away.

Today I struggled with self-worth as a part of me feels unworthy that the narcissists words would actually be true with somebody like me? But I know this is a lie, and that I’m just processing things. I found out three months ago that he cheated on me with his ex wife, he sought out escorts, he stole thousands of dollars from his last two jobs, and that he is a narcissist who is very well capable of living a double life. There were truly no signs.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can’t wait to put this all behind me. Until then, here I am!

Hello, It all sounds so familiar I’ve been sober from my X-N… for a year and still trying to recuperate for all of the emotional damage he cost in my life to say I had to move out of my home town just to get awayn from him I was with him for 5 years he started abusing me 4 years into the relationship until he chocked me in my own living room leving me bloody and down and out that was the last strew and the last time!! police came out and from there it was over. So why am I still looking at his page it’s been a year and i’m still hurting… he moved on to a new women and he lookes happy. I wounder if he thinks of me I’m just trying to uderstand what can I do to feel better. Please help!!

Hi I find those same questions, does he think of me now he has clearly moved on with another woman I hear they are in love already as well!! So does he?? I don’t think these men have the mental capacity to think of the past. They have already put all of us in their do not need file and probably don’t think about us at all. Sure mine doesn’t. That’s why they are like they are the lack of empathy and sympathy gives them the mindset of not remembering. Mine is weird as he didn’t want me when I stood up for myself didn’t want my apparent controlling but has moved on so quickly it’s breathtaking. I have a child to him so total no contact is not possible. It makes me feel so shamed and as useless as he told me I was when he calls and leaves messages of I love you to our daughter makes me feel like what did I do wrong? So working on my self esteem and work through the memories that lead you to where you are and know that there is someone out there who is worthy of your love. Until you let go he won’t come knocking ?

Knowing that he will move on is what helps me. Knowing that his new supply will supposedly free me is what I’m looking forward to. But what I can’t stop thinking of its that he lives in the past. And if I ever felt the need. . I could easily become one of the women he “continues to love ” while he is with his new supply. This right haunts me. As I hate cheaters, and I hate that I’ve been cheated on. I’m sickened by these thoughts!

Your love can be redirected to love for yourself. Your thoughts of the past can be redirected to building a new future.

The hatred you feel regarding being cheated on is regret, and regret is a prison that keeps you stuck in the past. You’ve suffered emotional pain but the moral and ethical problem is not yours to keep.

I divorced my narcissistic husbsnd after 20 plus years of marriage. The brain washing, the crazy making, the walking on egg shells was in unbearable. He abondened me for a young cop co worker. He cut us of financially and blamed me for everything. I was labeled mentally insane , crazy and who knows what. At first I was in shock and then I started to gain strength and self confidence. Something he destroyed in those 2o years. I cut of all contact and hired the best attorney and took him to court. I was not able to hurt him emotionally but I succeeded hurting him financially. That was 2 years ago. To this day it was the best decision of my life. He was not capable of any love or empathy. He was and will always be evil. The little minion who crossed his path saved my life. I am so happy now. My life is peaceful and sane. As for him, I do not care about what he does of who he sees. I do not communicate with the devil and that’s exactly who he is. He lost everything. His family, his house , his money. I gained everything and I am beyond blessed. Thank God he took him out of my life. The best advice my attorney gave me was “do not communicate with him, treat the divorce As a bad business deal and do not think with your heart , think with your brain. As for closure. My silence is my closure because they will never apologize or recognize the pain they caused.

I completely agree with ceasing communications. Your attorney gave you very good advice. This is the same advice I’ve given to folks who respond to this site for years.

I attempted for about 6 months to communicate with my ex after things went wrong. It took me a while to stitch together the reality that he was narcissistic and I was feeding his ego by remaining in touch.

I dated and married one. We were together 9 years. We went to counseling and he was diagnosed as being a narcissist. How about his personal life coach told him you are a narcissist He came home happy and said ” well I know what the issue is. I’m a narcissist. I like to help people” What happened was the life coach told him he likes to help people not because he wants to but because he likes how it makes him look. He stopped listening after “you like to help people”. How narcissistic of him. Needless to say I asked for a divorce. You can’t change there people.

Hi I’ve been in a very tumultuous relationship for 17 years I look back and try to remember what it was all about but can’t remember it all seems like a bad dream. Only recently I found out about the NPD and went wow only I finally left him after many years of abuse to me and my daughter. He had a daughter and now we have one together. His daughter disliked me from the first word go I do see now that I was brought in as an immediate replacement and as I was so much younger did not have the experience to deal with this. Now we’ve split but we have a daughter he is so busy with his social life he doesn’t have time for her. He has a new girlfriend of two weeks and wants to pick up my our daughter and take her out but he hasn’t had any real parent contact with her for over a month. Our daughter is 12 years old. So when he rang he was meant to come and sit with her so I could go to a meeting as she was sick but instead he rings to tell me about the new girlfriend. I moved out of our house 6 months ago my name is still on the mortgage he stalls the whole settlement thing.
I guess I’m trying to find out if he really is NPD he now says I am! When he rang about the girlfriend I was so angry and of course lost it and told him what I thought because I am angry that he can move on so soon after 17 years. I sent a text asking him to keep his new relationship to himself but of course he doesn’t reply. He’s been doing this for a while not calling our daughter or visiting and is always at the pub.
I’m so lost right now. Just when I feel I’m on top of things he does this and rubs a new girl in my face this is the second in 6 months. But I don’t think he ever cheated on me in 17 years but was always flirtatious to other women.
Any ideas?

All humans exhibit some narcissistic behaviors. When emotions are high, as is probably the case for any romantic relationship that has recently ended, it is easy to see what is wrong with your former love interest.

Is your ex a narcissist? He certainly sounds self-centered if he’s not showing interest at all in his daughter.

Is it narcissistic of him to call you only to talk about his latest love interest? I don’t know but, if you responded in anger and his goal was to provoke you, he got what he was looking for from you.

We are presented with challenges daily our lives. I like to think that such events are lessons presented to us that teach us to respond instead of react.

The hardest thing in the world, it seems, is to not let emotions rule you. When they do, you are reacting and not responding to a situation.

I have gotten very good at putting distance between myself and people who act in a passive-aggressive way. It has taken years to not let such people affect my moods.

JThankyou yes your right I did give him what he wanted and I have always done that for as he attacks my self esteem I have constantly defended myself. Yesterday he rang I didn’t answer ? I read some coping skills and will have to put on my professional face when dealing with him. I have always wanted him to understand the hurt he portrays but he never will. I am feeling calmer now that I’ve realized all the facts and it can’t be changed. Thanks for the reply

Ignoring is a good tactic and it also provides the space you need to sort out what’s in your head. Since there is a child between the two of you, you will have to speak to the man again. But, speak when you’re ready and feel strong, not when he calls.

I was married to a narcassist for 25 years. He of course cheated on me countless times, always denying it until his two grown daughters caught him redhanded. Still denied it when he had been caught. We had pictures.

Then shifted all the blame on me. Called me any and all names that can be imagined. I actually started believing the things he was saying, as I always had. He drove me crazy and even after a year of him being out of the house(we are still not legally divorced) he somehow has a hold on me that I cannot explain. I have gradually gotten better, but all it takes is one incident for him to make me feel completly horrible again.

I still have no self confidence and am even nervous to have a conversation with another man. He follows me and degrades me any chance he gets all the while professing his love one minute for kids and me and then going on social media to brag about his much younger girlfriend.

He runs a DJ business, that’s how he met this girl 20 years younger than him. He has even started porn sites in which he knows his 24 and 22 year old daughter know he has. We live in a small town so even when you don’t follow his social media the nice people we live around choose to tell us.

His youngest daughter has almost no contact with him, his oldest daughter speaks to him as little as possible. I unfortunately have to see him almost daily.

I feel like I have lost whoever I was suppose to be. I married him right out of high school so here I am 44 and completely lost.

I was with a narcissist for 8 years but didn’t know it. I figured he had personal problems or even could have been on drugs. I ignored all the signs that were right in front of me. I have never been with a narcissist before, so I didn’t understand the symptoms.

A year ago, I received a message from a woman who claimed she was dating my boyfriend for 5 years and he told her she was the only one. She found some pictures of me and wanted to know the truth. He admitted it. He claimed when we had fights I told him to go and get another girlfriend. If I told him to jump over a bridge, I wonder if he would have done that? He admitted it. I didn’t see him again for 3 months but he called several times a day. When I did see him, he said if I had done that to him, he would never see me again. He said if I wanted him out of my life he would understand. Well, he talked me into trying to see if we could make things better. This was the stupidest thing I ever did. What happened was his anger escalated, I couldn’t even ask him questions on how this all went down. He would say, if I ask anymore questions, he was out of here. His personality was erratic and he was very abusive. Yelling and not making any sense at all.

The last time there was any connection was over 2 months ago. He wanted to help me with a problem I had with my car. I told him I could take care of it and was not ready to do it at that moment. He hung up and I didn’t hear from him for several weeks. I sent him an email explaining my decision and told him his anger problems had to stop. I felt like a yo yo. I didn’t hear from him until my birthday a few weeks late. He send me a cold email saying I wish you a wonderful birthday and I hope you are happy. Happiness to you always. He signed his name and left a happy wave from Yahoo. This really confused me. Was it a hello or good-bye. I took it as a good -bye. This has caused me to be so depressed to the point I feel I could use some medication.

I know I’m better off now but with no communication to understand what happened is causing me terrible pain. I don’t know if I should let the woman know who wrote me that he was with me that last year. He told me it was over with her completely for a year but I don’t believe it. He has lied, cheated and is not a good person. He let me down at a very bad time of my life. He promised so many thing that a good friend would do and then abandons me. He knew I had issues of being left. To me this is so cruel. Eight years and it ended just like this. Should I tell the other woman? or should I just move on and let it go. So many questions unanswered.

This is so encouraging to me. I found out he was a narcissist after being with him for 8 years, through his divorce, and yet I knew there was something about him that I never let him completely take over my life. I was/am separated from my husband, never moved out though we live in different rooms. have two kids that think he is the biggest a***hole in the world, even though only one knows we were together all these years.

It started when I realized, having dated him in my 20s, then he found me on the internet 30 years later…..he pursued me, wrote extremely pornographic emails, sent me cds of songs he burned ‘just for me’ I found out two years later (we lived about 5 hours apart) that the wife he told me he was separated from was actually very much his wife…..and he cut me out of his life to try and make it work with her, because she confronted him about having an affair…..he moved out, called me and I went back. He moved closer to me, 20 minutes away, and watching him up close for longer periods of time, i noticed that he was completely ogling other women, of all ages, some younger than my own daughter….really really staring and lusting, just revolting. we had fights over this for years, him telling me i was wrong, he was a filmaker and looked at everyone (bullshit) and that I was a horrible jealous person and he could not deal with that anymore. The sex was beyond amazing, it always had been since our 20s. but it was just so much more intense than anything i’d ever experienced and I did have alot of bfs when I was younger. he tore me down to all of his friends, had no privacy, told them all of the intimate details from his pov. Then I broke up with him finally after many many many arguments, and he found someone within a week…..she, intelligently never let him get close and he came running back to me…..he told me he broke up with her,(Not true) just like he told his friends that he broke up with me…..
and of course I took him back, this lying, manipulative man that lies about his work constantly making it sound soooo much better than it it. He cannot keep a job because he’s so arrogant, then he broods. Talks to ppl in service jobs on the phone like they are trash, and sucks up to ppl in his field that he wants to be like. The only last 5 years of jobs were ones I got for him and one of them is how he defines his career, a 3yr grant from a very close personal friend of mine that allowed him to film and travel the world. Well this is his claim to fame. I finally broke it off (yet again 3 months ago) and with the help of an amazing therapist i realized he is an NPD. This allowed me to return the xmas gift he sent me, with only a ‘No thank you” written on the box in the mail and not respond to any of his emails. He was after all 8 or 10 of the women he flirted and lusted after during his time with me, and they all turned him down. Now he found an asian woman that he has hooked…..starting the ‘grooming’ as they explain…photographed her for her blog, doing a video of her for her work…..all of the same crap to reel her in. I feel sick to my stomach for her, she seems lovely. Probably smart, but I thought I was smart too and got completely reeled in by this guy. sick sick sick. still thinking of him a lot and I try and follow my thoughts of him all the way to the end and realize how bad it was for me. But it is very much an addiction and i’m not there yet. SO glad there’s a place like this. And if Phoenix is ever reading this again after 4 years, thank you for your incredible insight.

Oh- I forgot to mention – he tells me my nose is fat and he likes thin straight nose. He said he will buy a peg for me to clip my nose and told me exercises to get my nose thinner. He told me i need to lose weight. He mentioned that I am loose and i need to start exercising to get my body firmer. I lost 20 lbs in 6 months. I starved, I took pills, I exercised everyday, I went on diet. not because I started feeling insecure (because there are guys who love me the way I am, even when I was $130 lbs I gained after giving birth to my daughter). I did all this so I can give him everything he wants and never received in his first marriage. I wanted to satisfy him, make him feel the happiest and luckiest guy to have s selfless woman in his life. He told me that he do not want to have any more babies, I dont know how I convinced myself. He told me how it is important for his next wife to keep working (i hear him because he has a lot of child support and alimoy he is paying to his ex wife).

The last fight we had was over him checking his ex-wife’s e-mails and I confronted him that this is not healthy for our relationship. He devalued and told me that it is what it is and I have to accept it. If I dont then it is my choice and I can do whatever I want, accept it or leave. He got angry at me that i am controlling him by telling him that he should not get into her ex’s accounts, but he gave me valid reasons. He tells me what to wear, what not to wear, what to eat, what not to eat. He just does not see what I get upset, what actions makes me upset. Infact, I have learnt him over past year, when he gets upset, when to give hims pace, when to give up on things and conversations I like no matter how bad I want to be heard by him. I just have to suck it in, deal with it on my own and the next time I speak with him, I am expected to just stay happy, funny, laugh, pretend as if nothing happens. If i bring anything up, he tells me I have issues and I am insecure.

He still sends me messages (even when I am not responding to him) teling me that it was all my fault and how I always wanted to prove me right. When all I was doing was begging him to hear me out, let me speak, understand my expectations, feel my pain, reciprocate the love I give him. I dont know. I am a mess, I am confused. I had such a terrible emotional breakdown when he told me that he is not a fool to mary me (although there was no question left forus not getting married, he planned a lot with me, I could never ever have imagined that he will say such a thing to me), that I had to go to the ER, I was so weak, I did not eat or drink anything. I couldnt sleep, i hadnt slept for 4 nights. I have a daughter to take care of and all this was making me dysfunctional. I smacked myself and brought myself into reality and told myself that my daughte first no matter what! He will never change, he will never understand what a woman expects from his man. When things dont go right, just walk away is his theory.

I have been with this 43 year old guy for almost a year now.I am 32 years old. He is a father of 2 grown up kids. Went through divorce recently, so Am i. Anyways, I was attractyed to him in EVERY SINGLE WAY, specially how emotionally he was present towards my emotional needs, how he made it so convincing that he will be there for me and my daughter and how he will treat my daughter as his own daughter. Sex- amazing, unrealistically awesome and emotional, like the love-making is something that I cannot forget. I have not had such a chemistry and physical intimacy with any guy thus far. Not even with my ex-husband. After 7 months (still rocky), he started to control my sentences, started telling me what I was thinking and literally tell me, “you should have said this”, “you should have done this”, “when I tell you that I will call you at 5 PM, then just say OKAY instead of telling me you miss me, how much you want to talk to me for a few minutes, stop giving the last word and just say OKAY, call me at 5 PM”. It was a littlest thing as one call from him, I had to beg him for. That too, when at all I will be successful in getting a call from him, it will be cold, rude, as if he is talking to a nobody to him, just to fill in the blanks. If I were at his place, I would not even think and call him feeling genuinely that he really wants to talk to me, need my time, he is missing me etc etc.

To him – nothing matters. If he had to go shower then HE HAD TO GO SHOWER right at that moment we are on the phone (while I am upset, crying, sad, missing him).

I am the one who is crazy! I am the one who is argumentative. I am the one who is stubborn. I am the one who forgot how to have “fun” in the relationship like before. I dont think he has a sense to realise that the “honeymoon” phase gets over at some point. Expectations and committment level progresses and changes to more stable and strong. He recently started telling me that I am fool to think that he will mary me based on the “current situation” where the fun is mising now, how we fight. Instead of hearing me out. It is so frsutrating to get through his mind and tell him to see the root cause. But I am the root cause of why the relationship is falling apart.

He would disappear, go silent, ignore my calls, then come back as if nothing happened, nothing was wrong. And here I am still upset, missing him and when I “try” to mention something how whatever happened affected me, how him going MIA makes me feel like I am a nobody to him, I have no value, I am not important to him, all I get to hear is how I love the blues, how I dont go with the flow, how I like to keep pressing the issue, and I should just welcome him and take it easy.

It happens every single time we have issues. And most issues are really how he treats me when there is any issue that comes up. How he devalues me, how he tells me I am acting like a baby and how dependant I get that I expect him to call me, text me, keep in touch. Although this is the only means I have because he lives on the west coast and I am from the east.

I even changed and schedule my routine according to his time (PST) so that he can get intouch with me when he wants, I am available to him. He has done so much for me too. Flew all the way to accompany me in my court hearings for divorce etc. Helped me prepare for my case and all. But the emotional part of completely missing.

The max he ever does is just say one word “sorry” or “drop it” or “let it go”. And expects me to really just shut up and quit with expressing how i feel.

When he is upset, just to calm him down and to show him how much he means to me and how much I want to give him a smile, I delivered chocolates at his doorsetp, same day I then delivered flowers, same day I sent him e-card, same day I sent him the sweetest message. Then the next day I delivered him flowers again. NOT A SINGLE TEXT to show affection after all that. Infact the same day when I begged him that this is so harsh and cruel of him to not even melt after this gesture of care and love, he told me that he is busy and he will get back with me later. I texted him to call me and he refused that he is busy with work (although i know that he had spoken with his friend over the phone and even sent him the choclated edible arrangement pic to him). He texted me to stop texting and calling him and he will text me later in the night. I was dying to talk to him. I was feeling so devalued, ignored, neglected and damaged that my little daughter kept on bringing napkins to me to wipe my tears. I felt horrible.

Then he would text me threat me that “if you dont stop texting me right now, watch if I ever text you back”. Oh- that would BREAK ME!

I can go on and on. but I started to him, maybe I am too demanding, maybe my emotional expectations are rediculous. I dont know. Now it has been 4 days that I went no contact and he started texting me. That too, no sorry no nothing. He would text me, “do you even know or want to know what you did” . I did not reply. Then he texted me, “guess not – ok you take care, good bye”. I did not respond. So i took his last text that ok whatever, dont respond, and i will quit texting.

But then again I got his text hors later, “you have a strong connection with God, seems like your curse is working”. I did not text him back. I ignored. Then again he texted me, “Ask me”. I ignored. And the text messages continues.

I still feel I will get back with him again and I know he is a bad news for me and my daughter. His ex wife left him after 17 years of marriage. My N bf told me that his ex wife never told him that he is a narcissit. I have told him. He tells me that his ex was not a quitter, I am a quitter and how I leave out of my marriage within 2 years (my marriage I recently got out was abusive). My N boyfriend told me that I am the bad girl, and 2 men cannot be wrong, so I am the one who went crazy with my ex husband that made him the way he is.

I dont know. I need to be out of this but I feel like i can never be this emotionally and physically cose to any other guy anymore.

I completely understand that sex is important in a romantic relationship. Yet, we all know that what is important in a relationship goes beyond the physical.

You sense danger. You know the relationship is bad for you and your daughter. I’d ask you to really examine these feelings you’ve expressed. In true love, you should feel safe. When you bring love into your life as a mother, you need to know that your child is safe and loved by your chosen partner as if that child was his own.

I sure don’t mean to sound judgmental but we’ve all been where you are now. We have tolerated the emotional abuse and blamed ourselves for the bad behavior of our N. After years of reflection, I’ve come to realize that I ignored my intuition and, in an effort to “save” the relationship, assumed responsibility that really wasn’t mine to assume.

If wishes were fishes, we’d all have a fry but you cannot “wish” for a person to change. You either take them as they are or not. And you really can’t force them to love you the way you need to be loved. The magic is there or it isn’t, and the magic is much more than sex.

Hi folks, Im a 53 y/o man with a 89 y/o N father. He worked with me for over 20 till i went no contact with him around 4 years ago. He was a true N with a complete lack of empathy, constant need for admiration and prone to rage attacks when even mildly contradicted. My self esteem has been battered and ive spent a lot of time in depression and isolation. I always thought if I tried harder or did more I would finally get his love love or approval. It took a long time for the healing to begin but I can report that I am feeling normal again and enjoying the wonderful things life has to offer. Having an N father is a particularly nasty version of N abuse as i really believe we are hard wired to want or need out parents love and approval. I can assure you that with a true N, it aint’ gonna happen. I do have some contact with my father but only in family gathering type settings when he has to “behave”.

I wanted to write here because I know a lot of you reading letters on this site are hurting. The pain, confusion, bewilderment that comes from being someones supply is immense. On top of that, I found it very difficult to talk about with others because i would get emotionally charged and rarely made my point. My advice, as hard as it may sound, is to go no contact and let the healing begin.

Great article 🙂 I was in a one year relationship with a narcissistic woman I deeply loved. She betrayed my trust and cheated on me. She told me I was the one and wanted to marry me and have children with me someday. I have done research and I believe I was the victim of an emotionally abusive woman or a narcissist. How do I move on from the hurt and heartbreak? My trust for women is gone but I know in my heart and soul I want to trust and love again.How do I do this?
Also, her father died two days after she broke up with me. It was extremely traumatic period and I would like to know the best way to forget and move on with my life? I was a good friend with her father and still grieve for him.I lost a girlfriend and a friend. How do I get rid of the painful memories? I have great difficulty getting her out of my mind. How do I do this once and for all? I would really appreciate your help and answers.

Reading blogs on this website have been enlightening and have helped me realize that I am not alone. I lived “under the spell” of a narciccistic ex for over thirty years. I permitted this man to rob me of my self worth and make me feel as if I was crazy. I knew that this was not typical of me to allow someone to treat me as he did, but I took the mistreatment and abuse as if I had to take it and could not do better. I allowed this man to disrespect and devalue me in ways unimaginable. I finally woke up and divorced him after all these years, and I am beginning to lose the numbness and regain the confidence I had before losing it with him. Thanks to God, I am recovering – slowly but surely. I have had no contact with him in over two years, and I pray to live the rest of my life without any. I do not talk to him and I try not to talk about him. I am alone, but I am glad to be rid of him. Keep the blogs coming. They are of help to me in letting me know that I am not alone having tolerated being controlled, belittled, and verbally and emotionally abused to this extent. Please stress the importance of “no contact” in getting out of and over this kind of mistreatment.

Time has gone slowly as the healing process dictates. It does take time you know but just when I am getting restored mentally and finacially…UP jumps the devil ! Finally, I get the apology that I felt I deserved. Not one mention of how he abandoned me for another woman or that he is divorcing well I believe that she is divorcing him. He has lost his respect in the workplace and has been revealed for the person he is. The apology wasn’t worth the words that came out of his mouth and he wants to be my friend. Thank you God for allowing me to see this creature in the light, he cannot suck my life, soul, energy and worth. I am finally free, took the apology for what it was worth and will continue to move on. I thought my heart would flutter and that I would want to see or feel him again. Not so…it has been a life altering journey but then life is a journey with many roads, twists and turns….a U turn down that road is not for me. So, I am congratulating myself and want others to know to keep your head to the sky, talk, feel, reflect and learn…. unlease your burdens on this site and will be here for you.

WOW… it wasnt until yesterday that I realized that I have been in a relationship with a N for the past 2 1/2 years… it was almost as though I was validated that I am not crazy and that what I have been feeling all along is real.
I have gone through such trauma and drama that I honestly thought that I was the crazy one. I have stood by his side through every surgery, drug relapse, lie, deception, horrible name calling, emotional abuse… you name it I have been there. About a year ago I decided to “end” the relationship… well that was an end it in front of my family and friends, but I continued to see and engage in sexual relationships up until 2 months ago. I felt like I was a “freak” because I couldnt seem to let go of the amazing sex that we had. I have never been made love to and felt more desired and satisfied than I was by him… I have often times referred to him as the “sex god” and that NO man would or ever could touch me the way that he could. That was up until two months ago when I found out, after being intimate with me, that he in fact was in a full blown committed relationship and supposedly engaged to this other woman after only dating her for a month. I was so betrayed, angry, sad, irrational, that I acted impulsively and contacted this woman immediately letting her know that he had been intimate with me just two days prior… she told me that I was crazy, psychotic and that I needed to let him go. I expressed to her that I had proof of this and she totally did not want to hear what I had to say. After reading all that I have… I totally know that he has already “hooked” her as well.
I have been devastated by this. I cant stop thinking about him. He has blocked my phone number, emails, etc… I should be grateful from this disconnect but I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I have for the past 2 years felt this need to take care of and protect this man and give him all I could… which was NEVER enough. I am beginning to see that now, but it is so difficult. I want so much to put this behind me. I know that this is effecting every aspect of my life, my kids are suffering and I feel like I am dying inside. I hate waking up with this feeling of intense pain and emptiness.
I have been toying with the idea of warning the new GF with the discovery that I have made, but I know in my heart that she will not listen. I am not sure if I would have EVER believed that this man would do the things that he has done to me over and over and over again… and I have allowed it. I know that its time to heal. If there are any other suggestions I welcome them. I just want to be whole again.

Hello..
It’s been one year since the relationship ended,a year since I found this site, six months since he married someone else and publicly humilated me. I have been in continual upheaval and change in the past year. It appeared I was stabilizing and not obcessing about him or internalizing the blame and negativity resulting. Then yesterday I became unstable, grief stricken and called him anomoyously just to hear his voice !!! I even thought about asking him to come over!!!
This is very frightening to me.
As soon as I did this thing, I felt deeply ill both physcially and emotionally. I got a grip fairly quickly but I am disappointed in myself. Sometimes I feel this “thing” is larger than life and I must be under a spell of some kind that becomes weak but never broken. Why would a normal person want to have anything to do with a person who sought to destroy them and did a pretty good job of it.
I am beginning to believe that I have obviously never loved a man before him because I have been in some not to good relationships and was able to “shake it off”…..What is it that I need to do to free myself from this prison without bars…
I would appreciate any suggestions so that I can just get on with life.

I have just broken up with my female partner, i can understand the pain and loss that you are feeling right now. But the best way to cope is to understand that your Narcisst can not love anybody not even his new partner. It is important that you begin to heal yourself and stop thinking about your ex,(easier said than done), but you have to change yourself so that your narcisstic partner becomes a distant memory. I listen to the Eagles song “lyin Eyes” is describes the cheating narcisst to the point.

Thank you so much for your reply. In this short tme I have been able to refocus my attention where it belongs….on me. I understand that he may be sperating from his new wife.but this is none of my business.
In the meantime I am dating a man who is indeed doing it the way it shoud be done, s very sensitive to my feelings, respectful an abe to take “no” for an answer concerning anything. Very direct with me but he does it in a way that is non threatening to my ego or emotions andso I have been thinking less and less about the Narc….one day he will become a distant memory !

After reading the posts here I realize I am not doing so badly, even after 42 yr of a covert narcissist and an overt father. In other words, I have been with a narcissist since birth.

I don’t miss him at all but must do family business with him. I am fine except after a meeting and I am NEVER in a room with him alone…suggested by my counselors.

I lack goals, purpose and joy, other than my grandchildren. I was a driven woman starting out swim schools but with other family members taking the reins, I am at a loss. I feel emotionally unavailable for a new partner though I sometimes width I had someone to share my inner thoughts with. I have friends but they are often busy and distracted.

I am trying to be patient , thinking this all happened for a reason, a reason I still cannot discover.

it’s taken me about 3 months from the first time I began reading about narcissism as a possible source of the situation i was in and deciding on a true no contact rule.

my N’s pattern had become to control my communications with her. if i began to speak she would interrupt me after 3 or 4 words, finish the sentence she thought i was going to say, then expand “my” thoughts on the subject, then react dismissively and angrily at my unenlightened and inappropriate thoughts. all of this from me speaking 3 or 4 words. if i tried to get a word in edgewise the subject matter changed from whatever i was alleged to be thinking to confronting me for interrupting her. so i’d sit quietly until she had vented, then politely say “I would like to sp….” and i’d get about that far and then she would interrupt, finish the sentence, and be off on the pattern once again. sometimes i would quickly say “will you please stop talking for a minute so i can say several sentences in a row”. she would mock me for saying that, saying “if you want to say something just talk”, i’d start to explain that she had interrupted me, but as soon as i started that sentence she’d interrupt me, finish the sentence her own way.

repeat:

i tried everything i could think of to get her to listen to my actual views on the subjects at hand. the subjects under discussion were normally my request that she try to diminish the confrontations of me, allow me to actually speak, etc. of course the irony was that me stating such things was abusive on my part because it would overwhelm her emotionally and cause a major withdrawal. such a sensititive creature, yet somehow always ready to explode in rage, usually due to a “misunderstanding” such as her finishing a sentence i’d said in a fashion that she would be offended by what i “said”.

i’m a bright guy. even as i write this i’m crushed in shame that i let this go on for so long. 2 years. i saw the weird stuff from the beginning, her selfishness, insensitivity, invalidating comments, projections, total refusal to take responsibility for the slightest thing, leaving open a door, or forgetting a grocery, those would be projected away and somehow be my fault. it was so obvious to me that she was in turmoil that I thought if i gave her unconditional love, total acceptance, and a safe and secure home she would emerge from this terrible state of defensiveness and emerge as the loving GIVING sensitive person i knew was inside.

she had a history, heroin addiction from 18 to 32. prostitution at the age of 18 for 1 1/2 years, alcoholic, addicted to vallium, open warrants, never had a drivers license, never had credit, was about to be homeless.

ok, i read it. what was i thinking? I’d known her as a young girl and was dumfounded when i found her in this state, felt she just needed a leg up to step away from the darkness and heal.

now 2 years later, no warrants, drinks a lot less, good credit, car and license and insurance, ok job, (after i supported her for a year). and guess who the asshole is here. i had to move out of my own home (rental) 6 weeks ago to both escape and quit participating in the rages and projection. now she’s playing games on whether she’ll leave in 2 months as i offered, holds me responsible for her having moved (i moved her at my expense, cost me 10,000, coast to coast) to a place she doesn’t like as well as her old home. i am told i am taking pleasure from the fact that she is going to have to take a lifestyle hit to move out of MY home that she drove me from, it doesn’t end.

going no contact is the only thing that’s working, and it’s not working all that well, i’m totally obsessed with her still, but am ready to not live this insanity. it’ll cost me a few thousand more and a few months more to complete her removal unless i enlist the landlord to evict her, something that would not make me shine in his eyes.

my credit cards a maxed out from trying to support her while she found herself. my family thinks i’m insane. she thinks i’m an asshole. even my therapist is looking at me funny (joke). she really just has been looking at me patiently waiting for me to hear my own words and take action.

and i miss her still. the most sexually open and adventuresome woman i’ve ever know. those moments when she opened her heart to me i felt a trusting child in my arms and my heart would melt. we’d wake up in bed in the same position we fell asleep, come half awake and make love and then sleep another few hours. it was like that the first couple months.

that’s about it. aside from that it was layer upon layer of horror as i kept debasing myself and somehow taking on her insanity in an attempt to balance the relationship and somehow ground out the rage and projection so we could get back to being friends and lovers. the more i controlled myself, didn’t react and didn’t expect the slightest thing from her the worse it got. but wait, you’re furious with me, you tell me what you want, i give it to you, and you get more furious. i tell you that your rages are hurting me and they go from rage to absolute psychosis, i expected her head to spin all the way around.

Your description of how your narcissistic ex controlled your communications with her is Classic! In my opinion, nothing is more offensive than someone telling me what I’m thinking without listening to what I am saying. Sometimes this is a result of that other person just being a poor communicator (listening skills are required to be a good communicator). What you’ve described goes beyond that because, if she cared about what you wanted to say, she would have eventually learned how to exchange ideas with you.

Narcissists have a way of pulling us into their drama to help them. I see you asking yourself what it was that you were thinking. Your motives were true so please don’t be too hard on yourself for being a good person and wanting to help her over a bad spot.

I’ve read in one of my spiritual texts that the sole source of anger is unmet expectations. I know that it applied to my situation and it may also apply to you. You seem to be expecting her to be grateful for the help you gave her when you supported her for a year. Narcissists feel entitled to support so gratitude is not given in exchange. And, if the words are expressed, they are just mimicking what they’ve learned will bring more of what they want to have from you.

It sounds like what you are missing is the same thing that I missed … and the same thing that kept me in my ex’s game for so long. As I write this, I vividly recall one evening when he confessed that his only accomplishment in life was learning how to satisfy a woman. It wasn’t until 2 or 3 years after the fact of our romance’s demise that I realized that this accomplishment was a skill he had honed to lure women into his trap so he could have narcissistic supply of admiration whenever he turned on the charm.

The thing that I settled on, with myself, is that my expressions of love were honest and giving, and that comforts me now. That his expressions of love were manipulative and designed to acquire what he referred to as “admiration particles” is his karma. He was a shallow and empty man who needed others to “fill him up” and perhaps your narcissistic ex is similar.

Your last paragraph speaks to something very important to your recovery. While it is important to have give and take in a loving relationship, if you (or any of my other readers) ever find yourself involved in a relationship where you are the ONLY one modifying your position you ARE in danger of losing your sense of self. At the end, the woman who I had become, over time, was unrecognizable to me because I had moved so far away from my natural self. I spent the first 2 years of my recovery mulling over the choices that I made which were illogical and harmful to both my mental and financial state of being. Ultimately, I learned how to forgive myself and that is a critical first step.

So, while I cannot dictate to you what will work best, I can encourage you to stop beating yourself up for the choices that you made. As I heard in a quote recently, we learn about life backwards, we live life forwards. In the moment of choice, we can only make the best choices available with the information at hand.

Evie, my Narc gave me long lectures on intimacy, trust and unselfish sex. He said that he’d talked for hours to his first wife but she’d never listened either.
It turns out now, that all the things he was intolerant of such as committed partners being unfaithful, mature men going after young women, deceit were the things he was up to and which he could not control. Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde personality. Mr Hyde is very ashamed of Dr J

Maria, Dr Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde is right on the nail. I read about it after you mentioned it and it’s all him. It’s just so hard to accept having lived with someone like that because I know that somewhere deep down inside he wants to be a good person and he wants to be happy. His father committed suicide when my N was in his teens and I know that this is something he has been struggling with. When he left me he said he was tired of the fighting and that he for the first time in his life is truly happy with his new girlfriend…. So cruel considering he told me the same thing 7 years ago. Why is this new person reaping all my sweat and tears????

The hard part is the projections. What if I am the narcissist and never saw it? Everyone around me tells me that is not the case but he has told me those things so many times that I can’t trust myself. What if I have 2 personalities, the nice one at work and the not so nice one at home… Am I really the person he says I am? I mean I tried everything in my power to be the best but the fact that he told me that I am selfish, that I don’t listen, that I raise my voice or interrupt are all things that I really worked on….. Maybe I am unable to learn from my mistakes and change my behavior so quickly? He says that if I really did work on those things that maybe we would not be fighting after 7 years….i am just questioning whether his projections are really projections or my true self…! Am I just making excuses and still taking the blame for a failed realtionship… I truly love him and feel that he just left me hanging … I can’t get over the fact that he already moved on …

I can’t even say how thankful to see so many people with the same “symptoms” as me! I truly empathize with all of you and don’t know where to even start myself!

My N left me 2 months ago. When we first met 7 years ago, we were so attracted to each other, we came from opposite cultures and you know how they say: opposites attract…. Little did I know that N’s attract codependents. To make a long story short, he started by telling me a few months into the relationship that I should maybe try a bit harder to think before speaking (I , by no any means want to pat myself on shoulder but I thought of myself as someone who was well spoken and educated) He recommended I wear a ribbon on my wrist as to remember to “think before speaking” and I agreed thinking I should of course improve my communications skills as I certainly don’t want to say something that would embarrass him or anyone for that matter in public. He explained to me in the most logical way why it was important to think before speaking and for whatever reason I believed him as I saw him as the smartest person on the planet (he was a walking encyclopedia) .

I am writing this now and thinking “did I really fall for this?” Months passed and slowly the beginning of the end started. I can’t remember any of how our arguments started- call me crazy- but I can’t! He would put me in such a corner that I would feel controlled and would raise my voice (please note that this is about the tone and pitch of my voice! ) or roll my eyes or simply walk away. BAD MISTAKE,! Over the years he told me that doing these things is disrespectful in a relationship and that I would have to make an effort (which I totally agree and I am not making excuses but he pushed my buttons so hard that I didn’t know how else to react – sometimes I used to think I lost my marbles!) . So I did the mistake of PROMISING I would never raise my voice, or make a sarcastic remark or roll my eyes and the worst one not to interrupt him.

Let’s just say if I interrupt him in an argument he looses it! He keeps telling me that he told me hundreds of times not to interrupt and that I am thick headed and never learn from my mistakes…. that all he was looking for in a relationship is trust and respect and if I did these things I was showing a lack of trust and respect…. But I trusted him fully and more than respected him! PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO DURING AN ARGUMENT.

I usually thought I was pleasant to be around but I don’t know who I am anymore?

And so, the horror started when an argument would start and I raised my voice, he would then start screaming for hours (no exaggeration) because since I started raising my voice he was now allowed to yell. He always expected me to calm down the argument but he wouldn’t let me walk away. If I tried….he would hit me…. And i wont go into details but let’s just say that every other week I had bruises all over my body that were well aimed…he knew exactly where to hit. This went on for years….:( the crazy part is that I know he has a soft side to him and he is struggling with his demons…. I tried to help him so many times but I was never good enough! Even when I stopped raising my voice and he said that was not good enough.

I supported us financially for 4 years and agreed to it because I loved him and wanted him to work out his entrepteneurial skills and the minute he made money, he left me in the most cruel way possible for another woman.! He says the he loves me and cares for me but as a friend only. He says he doesn’t want to fight anymore (well me neither!) but he doesn’t realize that the cause of the fights are him…. I just can’t be this perfect person he wants me to be…I am exhausted….

How can someone I love so much do this to me? Every holiday or birthday there was a fight….he broke off on easter holiday as to punish me….?! I have been reading about N’s so obsessively trying to understand how I could not see this before! I mean I should have walked out the second he laid his hand on me the first time….

I found an article that talk about “the victimized Extreme narcissist” and it described my N’s behavior to a T – I hope it helps one of you with some answers…. I still doubt myself very much because he is such a smart person but slowly am realizing he is suffering inside and I have no choice but to forgive the past…we had nice moments together but he just would not see things from my point of view
Thanks for reading this… I hope my heart heals quickly- my brain knows I should move on but my heart is being stubborn….

Any of your input would be helpful… I feel so foggy and can’t tell if maybe I was the one who pushed his buttons so he acted that way? The sad part is that he told me that now he knows what not do to his current/future relationship…. Thanks for turning me into an experiment…:( how can someone be so cruel? I keep saying cruel because I have no other words to describe it!

Will he change? Will the new person reap all the benefits of my “hard work” …. I took beatings from this guy just to save my marriage…! And now he walks all over me….

Pam, I can so relate to what you are going through. I wish I had the answer. I feel the same way… that it is like a drug addiction. My N doesn’t contact me so much anymore. It is pretty much me. Sometimes I have to hear his voice… even if he screams at me. I just need to hear his voice. It is torture to keep myself from calling him sometimes. I think the reason I have not gotten the rest of my things from the house is so that I have an excuse to call, to go over. As I write this, I know it sounds insane. I too get very anxious and often feel like I am on the verge of a panic attack. I can hardly breathe. Never in my life have I ever had to deal with panic attacks or anything of the sort.

He gets so angry because he blames everyone else for us being a part. He says I have backed myself into a corner with my children and don’t feel I have the freedom to try to work things out with our marriage. There is truth in that statement, however I know that it is for the best. I know it would be a huge mistake to go back into that mess. I just wish the hurting and longing would stop.

I am struggling so much with all of this and I don’t know how to stop. Sometimes I want to go home so bad that I can’t stand it. I don’t understand why I can’t get over this. My daughter and I are doing so well… my relationships with my grown kids are great now, and I have a job I love. I guess I love who I thought he was and I am having trouble separating the two. I second guess myself all the time. I can’t seem to completely cut the cord… get the last of my things and get the divorce over with. Any advice? Is this normal? I moved out 6 months ago.

Firstly Phoenix, thanks a lot for starting this topic and wonderfully written contents. Secondly, thanks a lot everyone for sharing your valuable insights and learning experiences.

To start of, I have just been in a relation with a N for 2 months and before that we were colleagues for like 7 months (Yes so sadly he is a colleague too :() No chance of avoiding him ever.

We started of just by being colleagues, then friends and then one fine day our manager decided we need to work on a same project away from our hometown. So we had to fly there every Monday morning and fly back home every Friday evening. So this left us spending more time together than ever. We started getting attracted to each other. And then our wonderful (or so to say wonderful) relationship started. I used to cook him food everyday and do the dishes and everything all by myself. He just to offer help once (and me being an extremely polite person) used to tell me no that is fine and I shall do the tasks by myself (thinking he would certainly at east offer me a helping hand twice), however much to my belief he would sit quietly and watch TV. Things went on like that for 1 week and then I fell ill and knew that any guy would have surely asked me to sit and rest while he cleaned the dishes and nope he did not. He just sat there not even offering help :(.

This was just the start, he started abusing me straight away for just not talking to him. Once, I saw his phone and while talking, it slipped from him mouth that,he deletes all messages or calls that he gets from any girls. Listening to this I got upset and told him that I want to go home (as we were out at a gaming parlour). He tried to convince me for 5minutes that what could he have possibly done wrong on an sms or text and that if he did not want me to know he could have easily hidden that from me and not told me, however I explained to him that, this was not my point, I was upset and I did not want him to delete anything in future. But as I was upset and angry, I told him we should go home. And then there he was all nasty and shouting at me, that I should go to hell. I just want a dog who would listen to me and not a person. That he has tried his best to keep me happy. He told me that I should stop saying that I love him as I can not love anybody and just want to treat everyone badly and I enjoy fighting with people and spoiling everyone’s time. He went on and on and I just left by taking a cab.

The next day we had to fly to client site and he acted as if nothing happened. We did not talk the whole day and in the evening he tried to convince me that I was wrong in reacting like that, and it was only coz of my unreasonable behaviour that he told me all that stuff. (But to tell everyone, he never ever felt sorry for it…has not even apologized to me yet). He has been trying to talk to me since then and without saying sorry or excepting that he was wrong in reacting that way, he wants everything to be normal.

This was just one of the many incidents that have happened with me.

I still work with him. We sit face-to-face at work :(( It is so difficult for me to see him everyday and think that I do not love him. I have to maintain my distance but he always tries to attract me by talking sweetly and just not remembering anything about anything that happened.

One moment if I do not listen to him listen to him or answer him, he says GET LOST and other moment he just says that he loves me more than I love him and I am a cruel person.

Only with the help of this website was I able to understand that people of this sort exist. I am so glad that even though I have to see this person every single day of my life presently, I still have this thread where so many people have been in such bad phases of life.

I really feel for you all and wish that all of you have a smooth transition to a the most happy and successful phase in life that never ends and may you all find that one person who shall love you from the bottom of their heart. (Please pray for me too…all though I am being so strong…every night I just feel I should let go of my anger on him and give him another chance)

I am divorced from an N. just in the last year, can’t stop thinking about him sometimes but I they are like a drug addiction, I am finding this out through educating myself and therapy. I am in a new relationship, that is different from night and day. He is very supportive of my abuse and actually goes to therapy with me. The problem I have is the no contact, I will not call him and try to stay away from the phone through talk/text but find myself contacting him or he contacts me (we still own a house together we are trying to sell), but, for him there is always an excuse to contact, a reason. For me I just usually call to see how he is doing. I become really anxious, panic attacks, if I don’t talk to him and then when I do, I calm down, this is where I think it feels like a drug/alcohol addiction, they pull you in with their charm and then it feels like they just suck the life out of you.

What I am wondering if anyone else has this problem, not being able to let go, cut the tie, etc. We were married for 10 years and sometimes I want my normal back, but yet I know in my heart it was not normal being with someone who had a rage inside them that could go off at any given second of the day.
I do still feel love for him, I don’t know, maybe its not love, its just the hold he has over me still today, my decisions, opinions, and anything else that involved a simple decision making task, I still find myself questioning my own judgment.

Perhaps Pam has what so many of us seem to have and that is the plug- in that happens when we hear the voice. He has contacted me a few times, and last time said that now he has heard my voice for a while, he feels ok.
(Ok to chase other women.)

The cord cutting CD of Doreen Virtue is going to be my next try. In the past, when healers have cut the invisible cords which connect us to all relationships, I noticed that he has felt it and responded straight away with a phone call. Narcissists are functioning on a psychic level for sure….why else would there be so many recovery sites? This is my second Narc.

This is my belief. They tug at their victim(s) inwardly so that some reliable supply is always handy. We’re addicted to them, they’re addicted to what the victim supplies. (Not the victim herself).

Soul vampires for sure. Excorcism for US would not be too far fetched–I’ve often thought that’s what Narcs need too.

I missed my ex bad. My family and friends were tired of me being so upset one of them actually ordered a Love Spell for me From A spell caster called ancient priest.
I had no idea what the spell caster might had done. But he is very powerful and his spell are very effective. Needless to say, I was shocked to see my wife at the door a week later with her eyes full of tears, I cannot believe how well my spell worked. I recently ordered a job promotion Spell because I need a promotion badly at my work place.

[Hilary offered to share this person’s email address in her comment but this site is not intended to advertise other people’s services so that part of her comment was removed by Phoenix, the site owner.]

In my experience, anything which someone has faith in will work and if buying a love spell worked for you, I believe that part of the reason that it did was because you believed that it would.

It is highly likely that you had other clues to lead you to believe that an extra push would return your lost love and I truly hope that your mutual decision to restore that relationship was a healthy one for you both.

Most of the readers of this blog have been affected by narcissistic partners who have diminished them in unimaginable ways. In those instances, I have and will continue to recommend complete and total separation. As long as one is engaged with a narcissist, the most likely outcome is and will continue to be utter confusion and loss of self.

I am doing my best to go on without him. I too have looked at the good and the bad part of him. I want to believe at some point he loved me and I can’t help it, I believe he wanted too but this illness he has is so compounded with many other deficits to his personality that the darkness can only be controlled for short periods of time.
He behaved badly toward the end. I know and knew for sometime before the relationship desintergrated that he has no control of this monster that prevents him from being or living a “normal” life. I miss him so my biggest problem is why or how I could have continued to forge ahead unfettered to my own detriment. However, if I never love again, the kindness the man showed me when he was Mr. Hyde supercedes Dr. Jekyell. Maybe it is a sad commentary to my own existence that I have never experienced the kind of love and adoration that man gave me in the past year.
I am thankful that this didn’t go on for years and that he didn’t marry me as he promised. He has left me financially in ruins but it could have been so much worse…I think perhaps somewhere in that dysfunctional mind he knew he could and would totally destroy me if he didn’t cause the events to occur that would end our relationship. For that I am thankful…Everyone wants me to hate him, it’s just not who I am or ever was. I don’t hate but I do feel that he will suffer the fate that he promised me. “You will be just like the rest of these “b’s” alone the rest of your life…he doesn’t have a clue that through him I have been able to see how worthy of love I am and that I will be loved again but by someone who is whole and will accept me for me and treat me even better than I could possible imagine.

Your observations sound very healthy. I guess that I’m not willing to be so generous with comments about my Narcissistic Ex. I’m fairly certain that he knew exactly how much it would tear me apart when he chose the day of my mother’s funeral to levy his final and devastating blows.

In my humble opinion, only so much bad behavior can be written off to the illness and, in my circumstance, choosing avoidance of the truth over honesty when he was given every reasonable chance to do so equates to nothing other than a lie by omission. And, again in my opinion, lies of omission are far more harmful that outright and obvious lies.

Ultimately, I decided to NOT give any credit at all to this predator for anything that I learned because all lhe did was leave without saying goodbye. Everything that I learned about myself and about narcissists after he left was a result of my own personal interest in absorbing the lessons of life.

You are fortunate that your relationship did not continue for years, as mine did. The longer one is in a relationship with a Narcissist, the greater the erosion of self-belief. I’ve mentioned many times in several posts at this site that the hardest part of recovering for me was recovering my sense of self and re-establishing a belief that all the criticisms and beratements were a product of his distorted point of view when I stopped giving him what he wanted … which was utter and blind adoration in spite of everything that was apparently wrong with him.

All I can say is WOW. 🙁 Reading everyone’s experiences with a NPD person reassures me that I am NOT alone in this! and I WISH over n over that I had known about this personality disorder and/or seen the signs in the beginning of our relationship. It’s been a year since my 4-year relationship with a narcissist and sadly I gained a domestic violence case on MYSELF for pushing him during an intoxicated argument, that I currently am STILL fighting to have the case dropped since it was my very first offense and I was not emotionally stable. AND sadly enough he is STILL in and out of my life – as I JUST realized that he is in fact a narcissist after TONS of online reading. I am 29 years old and have been emotionally abused since I was 5 yrs old. I’ve only had one long term relationship before this one and that too was an abusive one but definitely not like this last one I experienced with the N.

My ex-N sent me a little message on a social site and at first I was NOT going to reply (which I should never had replied!), but I did and BOOM he had me wrapped by his charm. Not even a MONTH later, he moves in with me (stupid me!) and I JUST moved into an apt with my best friend and I KNEW she wouldn’t be ok with it so I had to HIDE him in my room for a year!! Lying to my best friend was so stressful! 🙁 Then I remember this one night that gives me the chills when I think back…he tells me he THINKS we shouldn’t see each other any more (this was in the same time frame he moved in) and I freaked out, started bawling asking why, saying how could he do this to me…and his response was “Tell me why should we keep seeing each other?” And you know why the ONLY reason he told me all of that BS??? He wanted to hear “because i love you”. Because I hadn’t said “I Love You” yet!!! SO SICKENING to my stomach 🙁 When the lease was up for that apartment, I decided to get an apt with him and from there everything went downhill. A month after we move in to our new apt, he got fired from his job. I had to pay for EVERYTHING including rent by myself which in the bay area, California is NOT cheap. I was beyond stressed and here he was not really “worrying” and not being proactive at finding another job. So of course with more stress, drinking came our bad “habit” and of course all the stress and burden and him making me feel like everything is my fault I have a mini mental breakdown while intoxicated. After that happened, he told me i had a drinking problem & emotional issues and should seek help. I did and it helped momentarily but things kept happening left and right, arguments started happening more n more and I just felt so drained and not “myself” but I didn’t know WHY.

So, after 3 yrs goes by, he changes. Suddenly he’s withdrawn…depressed looking…quiet…quick to snap at me…drinking waaaay more…and the texting/emailing multiple girls come into play. That right there was the last straw for me as I had told him in my relationship before him, that ex did the same thing to me but cheated. I told him to stop immediately. He apologized and said it would never happen again. WRONG. He kept doing it….and when I caught him (which was ALWAYS) he would say the same crap but move on to another female and the cycle continued until I gave him an ultimatum of stop talking to other females inappropriately or you’re out of here. That scared him a bit so he did back off the females. But his attitude was the same-DISTANT. So i kept trying to talk to him to open up but all that did was push him away even more which left me feeling helpless and wondering what the hell was wrong with ME to make him behave the way he was.

Then one night he decides to stay out all night drinking with one of his buddies, with no phone call to me letting me know he wasn’t coming home….i wake up the next morning, still no call and still not home…I’m worried yet furious at the same time…7PM rolls around and here he waltzes in drunk acting like he didn’t do anything wrong!!! I started arguing with him telling him what he did was disrespectful and his response: “We’re not married, you shouldn’t worry where I’m at!” OMG that comment stabbed me right in the heart and i felt my anger BOIL. I took off to get alcohol (HUGE mistake)…got drunk…we started arguing, in the middle of it I blacked out and that’s when I supposedly pushed him and he fell into a glass coffee table-he was NOT injured what so ever. He called the cops on me and that’s where I was arrested. He didn’t press charges but I’m still in this legal mess. And he’s been in and out of my life ever since. And I’m fearful that if I tell him to leave me alone or ignore him, that he’ll end up “pressing charges” out of spite.

I’ve been reading self-help books on healing/coping with emotional abuse so I can better myself and NOT fall into the same abusive pattern. I regret so much but what’s done is done. I cannot wait until he is no longer in my life.

So many others here, and also myself, have had the experience of feeling out of control. My educated and unprofessional opinion about the cause of this is that the Narcissist has learned what buttons to push to evoke the response.

In a healthy relationship, people do expose their vulnerabilities to each other so knowing the frailties of your partner is not inherently evil. But using that knowledge to pierce the veil for the sake of exercising the power we have over another person is malicious. As I write this, I’m recalling one particular circumstance with my narcissistic ex where he used his knowledge about me to devolve my mood from cheerfulness to a mass of regret and tears within the space of a half hour. As I was crying he said, ‘That was fun.”

It may have been for him but it certainly wasn’t for me…

I do recall one argument that escalated to my ex pushing me forcefully away in my own home. Because it was my house, I invited him to leave and after he was gone I realized that I was in danger of things becoming physically abusive. He had, after all, shared a story of a previous romance where he had punched his partner in the face to shut her up. While our relationship did not end immediately after he pushed me, the memory of his story about that was more prominent in my mind when discord between us would begin and this probably caused me to abandon my position in the dispute more readily because, at that time, I still wanted to be in the relationship.

Alcohol and conflict are never a good combination. The individual about whom most of my posts are written was not a heavy drinker and I do not drink at all so alcoholic irrationality never played into our arguments. I did suggest to him that he had an addiction to sex, at one point, and recommended resources for him to look into for help with that issue. He became very defensive and angry.

This was before I had heard of and understood that I was dealing with a narcissist. During October 2005, my ex referred me to a book that broke down personalities into groups based on their preferred emotional style. Because I had finally begun listening to my friends who were urging me to grasp the fact that I was dealing with a narcissist and had begun to study that personality type, I read this book with interest. When I got to the chapter about people who were narcissistic, the author listed all the personality attributes that had been confounding me about my ex. Rather than take the recommended course of action, which was to leave the relationship, I chose to use the book my ex had recommended to me to try to work through some of those things. I hadn’t learned enough about narcissism yet, however. I didn’t realize that this action of mine would alert him to the fact that I was on to him and I never could have foreseen how viciously he would respond.

The abuse that I allowed myself to suffer for years was emotional. Over the course of time, I began to believe his criticisms and absorbed them as being a factual representation of who I was. Every attempt to remedy what he complained about weakened my sense of self. At the end, I had totally lost sight of myself and it has taken years to bring that back into focus.

I have recently added a page to the site that recommends several books about narcissism. Here is the link:

hello all, well its been a month now and my ex has not slowed down at all..
frustrating as it is i have not responded to his texts or calls and have not answered the door to him or read the letters his left here either.
im feeling much stronger but “my god” the wounds these people leave behind are massive!!!
iv since heard that my ex has a new girl.. was definitly seeing her while we were still together.. i was so tempted to tell her about all his calls etc but figure if his with her its the best thing for me because eventually he will get bored of his relationship with my voicemail and front door and they can go on and be miserable together instead of me and him.
im still feeling so sick about it all and in a way i miss him being around..but i dont miss the insults cheating hostitity and nastyness.
i know im better off without him… cant wait for this pain to ease!!

How interesting that your ex persists while having a new supply for admiration. Once thing is certain, narcissists dislike being ignored and the fact that your strength is denying him the opportunity to ignore you could be the cause of his persistence.

Communicating to his new girl about the intrusions would only give your narcissistic ex attention … meaning, it would allow him to know that you are still worried about him and what he does. Even if it isn’t exactly true, it is absolutely best to continue to let him believe that you don’t care at all about what is happening in his life. Eventually, you won’t.

It is natural to miss the company of someone whom you felt you loved. Following it through, as you have by reminding yourself of the difficulties, will keep you from harm and the sickness you feel will abate.

Dwelling in the pain is a choice. Goodness knows, there are days that I catch myself reflecting on how I would have done things differently at several “gates” along the way down that Narcissistic Road. This can and does cause pain, at times, and it has been nearly 5 years since the relationship ended.

Sometimes writing a post at this site can invoke unwelcome memories, which is part of the reason that the posts are so far apart. 🙂 The best tactic that I have for overcoming those feelings is to focus on what is working in my life and take stock of the love that surrounds me in an effortless way every day.

You are stronger than you know, and your strength will carry you through this thing.

firstly, what a great site! feels good to know others have been trapped by a ex N also!
i knew my ex for almost 10 years before i starting giving into him.. he chased me and said the sweetest things but i had seen him go through countless numbers of girls and over the ten years he got three girls pregnant and ended up with none of them (alarm bells should of gone off then).
i was in a lovely relationship anmd had 2 beautiful children with my fiance who died in a car accident 3 years ago.
about a year after my fiance died i was at work and my ex N came in for dinner with some mates.. he was being so lovely and asked me to stop into his house on the way home freom work.. it made me feel loved again.. WORSE THING I EVER DID!!!

I wasnt completely fooled by him but was kind of addicted to the way he made me feel.. i didint though have any idea how bad he was until about 6 months in..
i had been seeing him and introduced him to my kids and he just took them on like they were his own from day 1! they loved him too.

it took a while but cracks began to appear, id found out he had been sleeping with his ex and another girl too and when i confronted him he told me it was because i wouldnt committ to him, some how i felt as if it were my fault?!?!?

i gave him another chance.. i committed and he pretty much moved in with me
but he was soo paranoid and always thought i was seeing other men, and messing around with men at work. i was baffled by how he had changed and loathed everything about me from my work to my family, friends and was even starting to say horrible things about my 6 yr old son.

i tried to l;eave a number of times but he would just never leave me alone and convince me he would change.

i would take him back and things would be great for a week or so then the nasty would come out again..

becasue i was still in so much pain from losing my fiance (which he had no sympathy about) i felt it so hard to deal with his crap.. i would tire of it so easily and give him nothing.. he couldnt handle me not giving him and affection and attention and about 3 weeks ago started acting weird and distant and starting sleeping at his own house… i soon realised he has started seeing the other girl he was sleeping with before.

at first i was so confused by how he could at one minute be obsessed with me then nothing.. i tried to fix things but when i realised he was messing around again i let it go..

iv been ignoring his calls and texts and his been coming to my house, the first time i answered the door and he got violent instantly… pushing and shoving me and telling me id been seeing someone and he loved me and only wanted me..

and the next time he come here i was out the front and caught unaware.. i told him we are over and that i wanted him out of my life.. he lost it!! was sure i am seeing someone else, he floored me and jumped on me trying to put love bites on my neck to scare off any other guys etc! all in bround day light i might add .. he has no shame! he is still trying to call and text constantly..

im sooo confused and hurt and dont understand his logic or reasoning.
i feel glad that its her and not me that will have to put up with his crazyness but i am absolutely heart broken at the same time.. i know time will heal and i just keep thinking of my children and how they deserve soo much better than a man like that in their lives after all they have been through.

Its insane how some one can be so horrible to you and you just get so desensitised to it over time.. i hear my self thinking aboiut this all and how crazy a life style it is and dont know why at the time i didnt see just how bad it actually was and still is!

i wish i could fast forward 6 months.. i feel sickened every second by the confusion and abuse!

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, kelleysheree. It sounds as though you were involved with a malignant narcissist who also uses physical tactics to control their victims for forcing you to have marks in your neck is nothing other than territory marking. It sounds bizarre and also as though it was scary.

I once received sage counsel; Don’t try to figure it out.

Honestly, you will make yourself crazier trying to approach it from a reasonable viewpoint. Narcissists are not reasonable and their ability to manipulate people is a survival skill that they use to get what they need to have, which is control and admiration.

As for trying to figure out why you “put up” with his bad behavior, I recommend that you just allow that to be as it is. You have to forgive yourself before you can get clear of the mess.

Getting desensitized to what is appropriate relationship behavior is EXACTLY what occurs when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. For me, I was so wrapped up in the belief that my ex narcissist was “unique” that I overlooked a lot of things that no other man before would have been allowed to do. As my “standards” were consistently lowered to allow for his childish behavior, I lost track of the standards that I used to hold. After the fact, I can assure you that I will never put up with bad behavior like that again from any man, despite their claims of uniqueness.

In our heart of hearts, we know what is acceptable and what is not. While we are swept up in the maelstrom of confusion that being involved with a narcissist can cause, we accept things that go beyond our normal boundaries of what is agreeable.

First, to B who wrote months ago: I felt that guilt too after leaving my N. Do NOT feel guilty. I realized after much needed introspection the guilt I was feeling, and that you were feeling, was from HIS conditioning.

I left my N four times total. The last and final time was when he had a horrible raging attack, and my telling him “I don’t wanna talk to you anymore” totally shocked his system.

I learned two major things about N’s. During a relationship, they will CONTINUALLY push limits with you. It’s almost like grooming that a pedophile does with his victim. To keep crossing boundaries a LITTLE at a time to condition you into taking more and more. No matter what you do, they will either find a way for you to break it off with them, or they will abandon you.

Ironically, and this is the second thing I learned, abandoning them earns you their respect. It’s almost like they idealize you and when they see they can get away with so much abuse with you, they start to lose respect for you.

They ARE thinking about you. Constantly. But they are too arrogant to pick up the phone. But beware: weeks or even months later, if they cannot find another source of supply, they will try to pop back into your life like nothing ever happened.

Ignore them. It’s time for you to enjoy YOUR control over them.

I call it tough love.

And you’re not crazy. Your love for him was real. He THOUGHT his love for you was real too, but he’s incapable of the kind of love you and I feel. It’s a sad reality.

Thanks for sharing your insights with the readers of this blog. From experience, I can totally agree.

Pushing the limits or testing how badly you will allow them to behave is certainly an attribute of a Narcissist. I recall an evening when I prepared a nice meal for my former beau and he had a total meltdown for no apparent reason. I chose to ignore him and continued my work while he stomped around the house ranting. When he tired of being ignored, he popped his head into the office and asked if he could still eat the dinner I had prepared. He charmed his way out of it and I already had been “trained” to not bring up his bad behavior.

In retrospect, I concluded that most of the really awful scenes we had, such as the meltdown above, were a result of my getting too close to the threshold of his lies or the truths that he was withholding from me. Nearly all of his rages began when I asked a question that bordered on my learning the complete truth of his deviant behavior.

In past blog posts, I’ve made the statement that Narcissists are incapable of love. It is nice to see you are in agreement. My narcissistic ex used to describe himself as being filled up by other people’s emotions. It seemed impossible to me but, on this one note, he was absolutely telling the truth. He was an empty shell of a man who did what he needed to do acquire the admiration which he so desperately sought.

I could write a book. Maybe I will someday….

Glad to read that you enjoy The Legendary Narcissist. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you will keep coming back too. 🙂

Hi there Phoenix, I tumbled headlong in too. It felt like an intense mutual passion at first but I began to realize that his feelings however strong were rooted in something pathological. He eventually revealed himself to be very misogynistic, though he covered that up well at first (eg at first he was very respectful about his exes which I took at face value and as a good sign; after a few months though he made it clear he thought they were all crazy.. clearly he’s wreaked alot of emotional havoc in his time, but he realizes it helps to make it sound like he likes women when he’s trying to attract a new one!)

My N ex turned out to be the most confusing manipulative person I’ve ever come across. He often appeared very loveable but in the end showed too many times that he was very conflicted with a black hole of self absorbtion as his default setting. His mind was so strange that even now we’re apart memories of things he said still come back to confuse me, things that turned out not to be entirely true, or that he later contradicted, it was as if he was often only playing with reality (and me!), for better or worse depending what mood he was in. Often I thought we’d reached a healthier place but just when I started to relax he’d start with manipulative behaviour again, I think he was frightened of honest intimacy and nurturing. Impossible and completely exhausting. Even though I sometimes badly miss (the nice side of) him and his sheer energy, just remembering how unstable and drained he made me feel is enough to strengthen me not to get back in communication.

Yes, you have aptly described the feelings after departure. I’m fairly certain everyone who has been in an intimate relationship with a Narcissist can relate.

After the fact, when I was trying to reconcile the “nice” person with the demon he’d become for me, I remembered a couple of things that I had totally missed the true meaning of while we were together. His cruel statement that a woman who had dumped him for another woman (yes, for another woman) in his earlier years deserved to die of breast cancer may be at the top of that list. No one deserves to die such a painful death. The other thing that I totally overlooked because it seemed so far in the past was his confession that he had established relationships with women in his early 20s so he would not have to pay rent.

B: “The other thing, did you experience the narcissistic stare?” My N ex did this a lot. At the beginning of the relationship when he was on his best behaviour being seductive I found it weird but compelling when he did that but the idea that he was trying to look through his prey makes perfect sense the bad way that relationship developed as he became more and more mean and controlling. He was great looking and said all the right things, but the stare…it was like being stared at by a lizard, underneath I knew that even at the beginning but I was too naive to see through his charm then. To be honest it all felt high energy and unreal I’d just never met anyone like that before.

I can also relate to what you wrote. In fact, the first time I met the man who inspired this blog, he absolutely stared at me. But, like you perhaps, at that time I felt it was genuine interest to learn who I was.

Maybe it was … maybe he was assessing my vulnerabilities. I do know that it was that moment in time, when our eyes first locked, that I tumbled headlong into love with the man who later proved that he was nothing more than a misoginyst and narcissist.

i think my boyfriend is a narcissist.
But what i dont understand is…He received enuf love from his parents. His dad is such a lovely man. His family is full of love. What made him like that?

My boyfriend is extremely very good looking. All girls are crazy about him.He is going to complete his phD in microbiology soon,..at his age of only 29. He is extremely hardworking and i can say he is a workholic.
I dont mind about this….even he made me waiting for 8 hours every time we plan to go out for date or movie.

But i feel emotionally abused as time passed by,..it become more apparent. He never want to do anything for our relationship. He also blame me for everything. Everything!
He always pick up fight- which is very immature for someone his age (im 5 years younger) and with his education level.

He talk in very harsh way to me. But he is a very good actor,…people will never imagine his real attitude. He is disgusting, and so the rest you can say.

He always call me name too. Any claim he was joking. He also like to make me misunderstood with his statements. Even he made me waiting for 8 hours everytime we are out, he will put the blame on me for not listening to his order….(like he said we shud be seeing at 8 pm instead of 2 pm!)
He also like to twisting facts. He never take my opinion. If i say,..like ”Dont use too much antibacterial soap, it will kill your normal microflora”…and he will say all sort of nasty thing, and claim that im stupid, and for that he shud not listen to me,…although we both are studying in same field. Interestingly,..the next following week,..he will repeat back exact fact to me as if he never heard it from me,…of course..to show how clever he is.

He loves to make me his slave,…and create sort of drama so that i beg him. He always have something to make me sad and hopeless. I feel like a trash!

For your information,…I just recovered from cancer 10 months before i met him. I told him about my disease…and he was so sympathy to me. He was like an angle. His words, his action, he always bought me gifts and act so innocent. He did that so that i fall in love with him.

And yes. I did. Even though im a kind who is very hard to fall for someone…he manage it. He was very, very, very good at making you feel of all sort of good feeling in this world….just so that you become his’!

After he won my heart..i can see his attitude changing. He has exactly all traits a narcissist have!

Each semester when i will have to sit for my exam…he will give me all sort of problems you never imagine. I personally think he purposely do this so that i flunk. And yes…its been 4 semester he did this…each time my final exam is just around the corner…he will do just about anything to destroy me.

He also never been there when i need him most. Im sick….i shudnt be stressful as it can make me sicker. Now im sad….i lost all my confidence. I used to be the brightest girls in my class…now..i m nothing.

He dont even care when im sick. He always said” u look ok to me” , ”your disease is nothing….it is only on your mind”.
He even force me to do all sort of things for him. If i cancel our date, because i cant stand waiting for him for hours…he will be as mad as hell. He never consider about me.

My mom went for a heart operation few months ago.Her condition was bad, and doctor said it was too risky. And i was so sad,..alone..and scared. No one is there to console me. And he didnt even turn up. He didnt even say anything to make me feel better. Infact…he was acting like he didnt know. Ohh..not really.It is not like he dont know. I bet he knows,..because he create another ”war” with me ust a week before my mom’s date of operation.

Too many things to tell here.I think those who went trou the same,..can tell what is happening to me.
But i dont know.Im stuck. He made me feel like i cannot live WITHOUT him. He is very slick. He knows all the clever tricks in this world.But i cant stand living with him anymore either

I dont want to live anymore.
I have a chronic disease with no cure.
And now i lose my confidence too.
And worst of all…my biggest fear is…my CGPA. I never get such bad result! I hate what he did to me. I hate him!!!! I hate this unfair life! Why shud i met someone like this..
Isnt what i have is bad enuf? Why didnt he choose other girl to satisfied his insanity urge?!! I hate life! I have nothing. Everything is destroyed now……

Thank you for sharing your story here. I am sorry to hear that your illness has no cure.

I’m not in a position to say what is the cause of narcissism. I only know that a narcissist requires admiration to thrive and they will go to any lengths to maintain that supply.

I’m also aware, through experience, that narcissists identify what their victims most want. They will use that information to lure you to them so you will admire them. If you express discontent, you are not admiring them so they will seek out new sources of admiration. If they cannot find it elsewhere, they will create an atmosphere of need in your relationship by threatening to withdraw what they have learned you most desire. They are manipulative.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy about anything that doesn’t directly affect them. This would explain the lack of care when your mother was ill. If there was no one to look on and admire him for caring about your concern over your mother’s well-being, your pal probably wouldn’t have wanted to be in attendance.

My ex was close to my mother. He was only available to support me on a limited basis during the final week of my Mom’s life. He showed up to go with me to her funeral in clothes that he appeared to have slept in. He acted like a buffoon during the funeral. He picked a fight with me after the funeral. He left me devastated and totally alone that day. The next day, he had the nerve to try to gain my sympathy about the argument he began and, like an idiot, I tried to forgive him.

All of that is water over the dam, I guess. It proved one thing to me. He was the narcissist that all of my closest friends tried to warn me about and I just couldn’t see until that event. It was a lesson learned that I pray to never forget.

I do hope you find peace … and that you leave your boyfriend if he is affecting your self-confidence. Our self-worth is what propels us forward. It took me over 2-years to regain my sense of self-worth, mostly because I was so totally angry with myself for permitting my ex to hold such power over me. There are still days that I struggle to overcome the memory of the day of my mother’s funeral, which was the day that every belief about what I held as truth was shattered.

I recently corresponded with a friend who knew me then. I told them that I was reconstituting my life, but the road was long. They advised that we always are reassessing and reconstituting what is our life but that, in our core souls, we know who we are.

Even though I began to believe some of the things my former beau criticized me about while we were together, I knew in my heart of hearts that he was insanely envious of all that I had accomplished and he needed to diminish me so he could control me. As someone once tried to warn me, he used the love that I had for him to destroy me.

As there is new growth after a forest burns, I feel that the experience that I had has created new growth for me. I was changed but I’m not certain that I was weakened. I hope that the same will be true for you.

Thanks for your reply. Havoc is a good description..
I’m glad you’re at peace now.

“Responsibility is an interesting topic. For me, I had to process what part of the insanity was my responsibility in order to move on. I deduced that my responsibility lay in the fact that I chose to stay in the relationship against my better judgement at certain points along the timeline. I also deduced that this was because my heart had assigned itself and love is irrational.”

The interesting thing here is that ‘better judgement’ part.

My moments and capability of seeing more or less clearly what was reasonable during narcistic rages of my ex N were destroyed thoroughly and I was fighting so much to try to see things clear. This was why the rages took so many hours. He told me sometimes I was stronger than him (shouldn’t be important in a relationship..), it wasn’t that easy to convince me of the insane accusations. However in the end he managed to convince me I was wrong (I was not low profile enough most of the times. To present in smell/sound/energy and so on. How dare I make a sound in the house. Was this even his house?). I sometimes even had to thank him for explaining everything for me again. These rages took hours, until 3/4/5 and sometimes even till 6/7 in the morning. I felt so worthless afterwards. Worst of all, I believed he was totally right, I was exhausted and I had been so stupid and selfish not to behave the way I should.

What I mean to say with all that, besides the need to wright about it now that I start to see things clearly, is that you cannot approach yourself as a person who had a fair change to develop a healthy judgement. (not my native language, hopefully clearly put this way).

N’s I believe are private gurus, brainwashers. It’s not only your heart, but also your controlled judgement, for which you’re not to blame because of the combination of emotional control and at the same time twisting logic.

Two (amongst many) more things I think are interesting:
“When you’re told, or you feel it must be your fault, it’s not. What you have done has been
out of love,then fear, then confusion, then dependence, then because you feel you have
no choices left You feel invalidated. http://www.npdsurvivors.co.uk/”

The other thing, did you experience the narcistic stare?

“The narcissistic stare has been experienced by many of us who have had the misfortune to associate with Ns [Narcissists]. Presumably, not every N does The Stare but from all reports, a significant majority does. The N’s stare is piercing, unwavering, reptilian. Seemingly flattering, this stare is unnerving – and is meant to be unnerving.

The Ns look right through you. A woman who is not familiar with Ns might think he is simply paying complete and rapt attention to her but he is not. The Ns are staring at you to see how vulnerable you are. Some believe that the Ns use their stare to look through you to your soul for the sole purpose of determining whether you are viable prey or not.

Once you are in a relationship with an N, they stare at you in order to control you. Their withering glare is meant to cow you into submission. It is a strong woman indeed who does not back down under the malevolent narcissistic stare.”

Yes, it does all boil down to judgment. Many times throughout the process of seeking to understand what had happened I had to pull myself back from “blaming myself” for my choices. I was influenced and the primary and most effective tool my former beau used to distract me from clearly evaluating what was “wrong” with the situation was emotional blackmail. During the course of our relating, I learned that he had discovered this as a means of getting what he wanted as a child and, as a man-child, he honed the skill to gain what he wanted from women. He called it love…

There was one morning, in particular, where his stare was completely unnerving. He had awakened before me and was working on something in the office where we worked together sometimes. I remember walking into the room and the intensity of the stare. The gut feeling that I had was that I was in the presence of a shark sizing me up as possible prey. I had never seen him look at me that way before. His emotionally abusive attack that morning was subtle but it left me feeling defensive and uncertain.

What turned out to be interesting in retrospect is that WAS a turning point, after which he became increasingly difficult to reason with. Of course, he had never been reasonable when he wasn’t getting what he wanted and all he ever wanted was to be in complete control.

Oh My Goodness!
I wish I had known about narcissism over 25 years ago. I met my N ex at college and we all were just congregating in the commons area. That stare is what I remember about him, and I can see him standing and staring at me as if it happened yesterday. I am trembling now as I remember this and was reading your post. O my, how I wish I had known then. I can see him standing off by himself and just staring and myself laughing and talking and trying to ignore him, yet drawn to his stare thinking (to my DUMB self!!) that I must be special, then the next minute my intuition nagging me telling me something’s not right. I always think back and say that Lord I wish I would have turned and ran the opposite way, like my intuition was telling me to do.
Also, when he found a new supply, I just knew it. I heard rumors and I never saw any tangible evidence, just caught him on telephone saying compromising things that were not appropriate. Anyway, he confirmed his new supply to me when we were on a church trip, my N ex was/still is a minister by the way, when he fixed that same stare on her. I happen to glance and see him staring at someone and I couldn’t figure out who at first until I saw her doing the same thing I did when he sucker punched me years ago ( trying to laugh, talk, and act calm with someone else, while stealing glances at him). By the way, she was/still is the secretary and married to a deacon in the church. Get this, I stopped in his line of vision purposely and spoke to the woman (to maybe shame him for the blatant disrespect), and HE NEVER BLINKED OR WAVERED HIS STARE FROM HER!!
I felt it at that moment, I didn’t exist at to him, this man I married and reared children with, prayed with, cared for, stood by, believed he cared for his family, I DID NOT EXIST TO HIM AT MOMENT!!!!!! You talk about scary, hurt, angry, stupid, everything, every emotion you can name, that’s how I felt. I could write books as I’m sure everyone can, on how calculated and cold these people are. One minute you hate them and the next you pity them. I told him once that every word out of his mouth when he wakes up in the morning and every action he takes from breathing, to brushing his teeth, and so on are calculated.

Thank you for sharing your story with our group. It is true that what is clear in hindsight is never obvious in the moment. I guess that is called learning and life gives us many, many opportunities to learn.

The total lack of respect on the part of your Narcissist for the relationship you valued is common. Narcissists are like children with a toy. Once they have a new and shiny toy, the old one is ignored. It is too bad that these personality types haven’t grasped the fact the people they are discarding are not toys.

This makes me think of the storybook, The Velveteen Rabbit. In that story, the toy rabbit who had been put out as trash was retrieved and loved … ultimately loved so much that the rabbit was set free to become a real rabbit.

In the truest sense, it is up to us to retrieve ourselves from the “trash can” that we’ve been set beside and remember that we ARE love-able so we can become “real” again. Sorry for slipping into the metaphor but it seems apropros.

The most difficult challenge that I’ve had to overcome since the relationship with my narcissist ended was remembering that his criticisms and assessments of me were HIS criticisms and assessments and that they had no basis in fact. In other words, I had to learn to forgive and like myself.

I am both fascinated and saddened by your story, Barbara. Clearly you feel betrayed, as you should. I hope that you are able to heal your wounded spirit with the help of your children, family and friends.

the point about the stare is an interesting one, i’m also in the stage of trawling the internet for confirmation of ‘diagnosis’ having just had what i’ll consider a narrow escape with a 5 month ‘relationship’ but despite the short duration feel overwhelmingly confused, drained exhausted and still unfortunately illogically drawn to him…yes i know, totally ridiculous, these men really are very dangerous and i really feel for those of you who spent years with them and even had children, this must be an absolute soul destroying experience and feeling as intoxicated as i did after only this short time i can only imagine how much of a spell is cast over years. I dont feel that they should be attributed with too much mystique however and find it useful to see them as incomplete, ’empty minded’ souls, as written on one of many sites ive now visited they dont have an inner ’emotional life’ they are driven by the need for narcissistic supply, and i think the stare is about control and gauging your submission, also they seem to enjoy seeing your reaction whatever it may be, mine varied from feeling shy (which he obviously enjoyed) to feeling aroused and flattered (ditto as this helped him dupe me into believing he may actually have real ’emotions’ for me) but also i noticed a slight smirk regularly, as if he relished the power he was gaining, he referred to me as his ‘puppy dog’ early in the situation when we were locked in a seemingly romantic gaze, i found it odd and condescending, it was one of the red flags that lead me to google his quirks and realise the truth. I’m hoping to find strength through sharing this experience and hope to speedily shake of his hold on me….

Thank you for your comment and for telling us a bit about your experience with a narcissistic partner. Awareness of the yucky feelings is the first step to breaking free. It sounds like you already have one foot out the door, and that is the ONLY solution. Once you’ve left, swear of any further contact no matter how persistent your narcissistic partner is. It will drive them nuts!

I was also fascinated by the comment of one of my readers about the Narcissistic Stare. I do have a chilling memory of walking into our office one morning and the shark-like stare prior to his chipping away at my high spirits and leaving me a wreck. After reducing me to tears through his marvelous tactic of emotional abuse that morning, he left to take care of business … or so he said.

After the fact of our relationship, I roamed back through our timeline and realized that this stare was evident in every circumstance where he was manipulating my emotions to gain an effect. One day, following a truly sadistic route of crushing everything I held as truth, he laughed and said, “That was fun!”

To this day, I ponder the paradox of that man but I have found a way to move beyond the shame of staying in a relationship that was totally a no-win situation. I did feel love for him. He used the love that I held for him to destroy me … and he nearly did destroy me but I did manage to not let him have that.

Even though I have been changed by the experience, I have absorbed the lessons and risen from the ashes.

There are so many common threads to the comments others leave at this blog and my own story. Telling our stories does help others and I’m grateful that people are so open and giving here at The Legendary Narcissist blog.

During the last few days I’ve been reading about NPD like crazy, it feels like I can’t stop, but I’ll have to. I’ve got to pick up daily life again;) Here’s my situation:

After a relationship that lasted over ten years, I left my ex N. I didn’t seem to understand anything anymore, except… that I was exhausted and that I thought I had the right to want to feel better.

He had threatened he would kill himself but with some help I managed to leave him, I never regretted this decision.

This was over a year ago. My life is totally different now and I’m in a very good and stable relationship. There is no contact with my ex anymore. But I’ve realized that I’ve become nervous and insecure as a result of the emotional abuse.

Obviously I had loved and adored him a lot. He had controlled and manipulated me a lot. It feels as for all those years he knew better than me who I was/am and what’s wrong or right.

And here’s my problem, I kept on feeling him as an internal judge in situations (not all the time! but still..) and had, till recently, the feeling that we were both equally responsible for the situation.

In the last few days I became convinced that I’m not at all responsible, that I was actually a victim. He is very clearly an extreme malignant NPD example. For every breath (literally) I could, on a very regular basis, be mocked and humiliated for hours. Even though some personalities are more apt to become a victim, still I know I don’t have to feel responsible any longer. This feels good, but new. At first I felt completely liberated, however it seems like it needs some more time and maintenance.

Second, the internal judge thing, I think this will change from now on, but I’m afraid to let go this striking understanding. I’m afraid to lose it and start doubting myself again.

However, sites like yours help me to have ‘proof’ that I’m not crazy. That you can love someone and not notice that there is no love at all on the other side, but an unbelievable indifference and cruelty.

He constantly demanded my unconditional respect and right now I’m feeling thrown to and fro between feeling released and feeling like a betrayer. The last bit of the constant battle for my unconditional loyalty for him instead of for the rest of world.

I wonder when this last bit of the battle I still feel is gonna end…

I hope I can trust that there’s no way back, that I can let go and stop the constant reading, that things will become better. That I will finally get rid of this misjudging and condescending character being latently present inside.

Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. Well done for finding a stable relationship and moving on from the havoc!

No,you are not crazy. What happened really happened and the insanity of dealing with a NPD for a decade would leave anyone uncertain. The relationship that inspired this site only lasted for 3 years, but there was so much confusion during that time that one of my realizations, after it was over, was that I had lost track of who I was … of my essence of being.

I don’t know if it is an age difference between you and I or if I am still “stuck” in fear, but establishing a new relationship is a totally distasteful idea to me even 4 years after the end. I’m at peace now. I like it that way. 🙂

Responsibility is an interesting topic. For me, I had to process what part of the insanity was my responsibility in order to move on. I deduced that my responsibility lay in the fact that I chose to stay in the relationship against my better judgement at certain points along the timeline. I also deduced that this was because my heart had assigned itself and love is irrational.

But, after the relationship had ended and certain “friends” in my circle tried to convince me that the responsibility for the mess was entirely mine, I did not accept their viewpoint.

My ex partner and I were both adults. I asked specific questions that he answered only partially. The process of withholding facts that I needed to have to make informed decisions was entirely his responsibility and he was very selfish to not be honest about everything that was going on around him.

I don’t think I can ever forgive him for that but I have forgiven myself for acceepting his answers at face value to keep the peace.

I found your blog while searching the lifestyle blogs. My niece recently divorced a narcissist, a situation complicated by two children he’s all to willing to manipulate with the help of the courts. Too few people know what narcissists can do to a life or what they are capable of. Keep writing.

I just wanted to let you know I really enjoy your blog. Today I came across an article I wanted to share with you from the Huffington Post written by one of my favorite authors, Dr. Judith Orloff. Here is the link.

I listened to Dr. Orloff’s video. I probably ran across some of her website content back in 2005, when it was beginning to dawn on me that I was dealing with an abnormal man.

Dr. Orloff’s advice is not that different from mine. There are instances when you cannot leave a Narcissistic relationship behind for survival reasons, like employment. When it comes to personal relationships, however, we always have a choice … no matter how overwhelming it may seem at the time of consideration.

My personal experience is that trying to reason with a Narcissist diminishes your personal power. You are ALWAYS the one who is expected to modify your position. If you choose to completely change, this is not hard for you but do keep in mind that you will have lost something of yourself. When you “adapt” for the person, you can sometimes forget the Narcissist’s rules and you will find yourself surprised by the backlash. I can also report that standing up to them results in truly brutal emotional attacks, sometimes worse.

In preparation for a website upgrade, I have been reviewing some of my early posts. I can see that I was trying to allow space for the bad behavior of my Narcissistic ex in some of those posts. I have to admit that I am intolerant of Narcissists now. I’ve described a churning feeling in my stomach in one of my posts. When someone causes that feeling, I pay closer attention to other aspects of their personalities and our interactions. As soon as they cross my boundary line, I politely withdraw and refuse to communicate with them anymore for I know how it will end up.

We all have spiritual work we must do. I’m not sure that anyone has “written the book” on how to recover from a Narcissistic encounter yet. Maybe that’s my role. 🙂

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