Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.

With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading →

Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship

After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.

Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.

The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.

Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”

With football’s transfer deadline day upon us again, the whole country waits with bated breath to see who multi-millionaire footballers will be employed by tomorrow. But this year’s deadline day coverage is expected to reach such excitable levels there are fears that the public may start panic buying footballers.

“I watched Sky Sports News’ coverage for four hours this morning,” Simon Delaney, Harold resident and proud new owner of three Premier League players told us.

Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.

Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.

“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”Continue reading →

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading →