STIRRING

Founded in 1999, Stirring is one of the oldest continuously publishing journals on the internet.

Stirring is an electronic quarterly journal.

MARTIN WILLITTS JR.

Forgiveness

I am earthbound, referenced by gravity: it holds me.I cannot imagine going up to an observation tower to lookdown without wanting to jump at the mere thought of it.When I was a child, I feared heaven meant angels could fallout of clouds — until I realized angels had wingsand could probably fly like butterflies. And most of my beliefsI owned are no longer mine; I’ve given them away,or recklessly lost them, or forgotten them in the rush of time.There is a strength in forgiveness.

Whenever I have been inside a plane, it is difficult to trustit will suspend over earth. I hold my breath, knowing I can’tfor five hours, hoping to levitate the plane safely forwardsand back, like a god using invisible guide wires. There isstrength in forgiving yourself, gravity holding you together.

The urge to jump stays in me on the flattest ground.I know it is not real. I’ve fallen before, after falling asleepin a high chair. Childhood trauma teaches gravity takes youto places you never want to revisit. Sleep still frightens me.Angels could lose their feathers during flight. What did I know.Forgiveness takes work; a person must trustit’ll never happen again. I fell off a roof while hammeringshingles and saw my breath knocked out of me,rise like a warning sign. Forgiveness was that ladderthat moved and wasn’t where I had left it.

Someone said, visualize going up inside a tall building;see yourself getting off on the one hundredth floor.

All I could see was the imaginary elevator doors openinginto nothingness when I stepped out, and neither faithor angels or marionette strings or wings could hold me;I fell below sightlines, below the bottom of the page,through the center of the earth, and I’m still fallinginto outer space. Forgiveness is like this.