Tristan Da Cunha: No, It’s A Real Place, I Promise

This is Tristan De Cunha, it is not the lactating boob of an alien. Your confusion is understandable.

​​Tristan Da Cunha is known by locals as Tristan and by me as a pain in the ass. When C. McGee told me that I needed to do a security report on the island I said, “Where?” Then he said the name again and I said, “Huh?” Then he said the name again but slower and I said “Question mark?” We went back and forth like that for about twenty minutes until finally he wrote it down for me. When I looked it up online all I could find out was that it is the most isolated inhabited place on earth, nothing else. When I told C. McGee that there was nothing to write about he yelled at me—“Yes there is." Since I’m a coward I agreed with him. Still, my craven acquiescence didn’t change the fact that there really isn’t any info on the place. So, unable to find info on the island, yet required to write a threat assessment about the island, I have decided to make stuff up. Here goes:​The Tribe Has Spoken, You're Hired, Here's Your Rose — Having long ago identified the direction in which elections were headed, the people of Tristan Da Cunha decided to get ahead of the curve and turn their entire electoral process into a reality television show. Their current president has the voice of Susan Boyle, the legs of Amy Purdy, the people skills of Omarosa, and the wit of Joe Rogan. No matter who wins the general election here in the U.S. they won’t be able to compete… unless that person is The Situation.

The Situation 2016! I’m still holding out hope.

​And None, Tristan's Assume, Are Good People — Everyone’s property is walled off. Consequently, illegal immigration is non-existent. The whole island looks like a honeycomb of barriers. Isolated on an island that is isolated from the world, some Tristan Da Cunha residents are actually forgetting how to talk. I suspect that in lieu of verbal communication, these islanders have learned to converse through telepathy. This is bad. The sound of silence terrifies me. Darkness is not my old friend. I am not a rock. I am not an island. And I am certainly not feeling groovy.

​​The New New Normal --Everyone in Tristan Da Cunha is transgender, as a result there is no controversy regarding public bathrooms. All the men go in the women’s and all the women go in the men’s… Wait, is that right? I don’t know. Regardless, they don’t have to debate the topic which means they have more time to develop bio-chemical weapons.

I’m down with the all-gender bathroom but why is the symbol a guy with a peg leg and an inclined plane for a penis? Simple machines have no place on bathroom signage.

Bay-less — Tristan Da Cunha has an embargo on all Michael Bay movies. Having never been subjected to Bay’s films the people of Tristan still have all of their IQ points. This gives them an advantage over every single American.

Aersomith was wrong, I do want to miss a thing. Everything… Not just Armageddon, all Michael Bay movies… Also, I wish I had missed this picture of Steven Tyler uncomfortably side humping his daughter.

GunshotVictimSaysWhat? — Residents of Tristan Da Cunha saw the last ten seconds of The Sopranos. Their screens never cut to black. Consequently, they hold the key to the universe.

"I went ahead and ordered some for the tabl—." Some what, Tony? Onion rings? Mozzarella Sticks? Southwest eggrolls? You can’t leave us hanging like that.