Waiting on you.

December 14, 2008

By Jennifer T., St.Rose, LA

Image Credit: Molly L., Bethesda, MD

The author's comments:

Hi, I'm pretty new to having people see my writing...hopefully it seems good to someone other than my friends. I wrote this after a talk with a friend of mine, and how we're completely different. He's sincere and overprotective, and I'm sarastic and clutzy. So, we got onto the topic of me pushing him out of the way of a moving car and BANG! story time. (That is what happened to Jen in the story by the way...she pushed her boy-thing out of the way of a moving car to save him. Cliche. I know, but there you have it. Sorry if it seems a bit hard to read...I'm not used to writing for an audience.

For those who weep, and shadows creep, Fast comes the blazing dawn. For who can tell in this new hell That joy is not far gone? For lives here have been torn asunder And pleas are answered by the thunder.

I can hear everything around us, the room, absolutely void of anything besides you and I. The intercoms calling for the others, muted footsteps echoing outside, muddled voices accompanied by shadows upon the glass. But what’s out there holds nothing for me, its what’s here I care about. Though there isn’t much to see… the room itself is far to empty. You would have changed that immediately if you could. Your only inches from me, yet I can’t reach you …wherever you are. A machine’s beat is in steady rhythm with your heart and your lips, once so full of life, are still and quiet. It doesn’t make sense to me. You’re never quiet. Always the center of attention, just like you ought to be. If not your words then your movements speak for your grace and vitality, your eyes a never ending advertisement for the emotions on you mind. What I wouldn’t give, to see them open now, and glare at me for my worry over you. You were never fond of that….you mostly take care of me. Oh, the fit you’d have if you could see me here. I haven’t moved from your side since they brought you in, not once left you to be alone… In the hopes your still frame would magically reanimate, and those deathly still lips, quirk once again in a slightly crooked smile, to deliver some nasty remark on how I should have woken you up sooner… If only love, if only. Wake up, Yell at me. Scream at me for what I’ve let happen. Tell me its my fault. Hit me. Kick me. Do something to give me the pain I deserve. You tried to let me know…. You knew this would happen. Move…I’ll do anything. Please, just wake up. But you don’t listen. No matter how much I implore you to get up, you lay there…motionless, a statue for all of time. I’m not used to not getting my way… you of all people should know that. Is this heavens reason for punishing me? Is it really that they would want you for themselves that much? I can believe it…. It suits you. I won’t let them have you. Ill become the devil himself if that’s what it takes to keep you for myself. Heaven cannot have what is mine.

Funny, that last thought makes about as much sense as reality does right now… The doctors were technical in there explanations on your current state, as if I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I am a medical student after all. But he words they tell me make little sense in my head. I know the meanings, but the fact that their being applied to you has never entirely registered. I blame you for that, you came in and re-defined life as it was. But really, wouldn’t words like “angelic” and “absolute perfection” be more relative adjectives than “massive internal bleeding” and “catatonic state”? Really, they obviously don’t know you very well…. So all I do is wait. Its not the waiting that’s the problem…I could wait for a century if you asked. No, what frightens me is the ever diminishing hope that I’ve held for you….and the fact that your only human. What has it been now? A week? Two? Time has no concept in this ever depressing room. It doesn’t matter though… I’ll wait until Armageddon. What else would you have me do? It’s not as if life has any meaning with you not there to mess it up for me. Oh…you wouldn’t be happy with me saying that, and I let out a chuckle as an afterthought. I glance for what seems the thousandth time at you, your now short black hair is strewn about unevenly, and your pale skin seems to have an ethereal glow in this florescent lighting. I want to take you home, away from this… if not for the tubes in the way I would. The wires and things coming from you all seem surreal. Your face, once glowing, is now pale and blank. It should be me on that bed…. I would welcome the change if I could. I should have been the one hit. But instead you held on to your moronic pride and got in the way….and now we see the result. I want to kill them for what they’ve done to you, I don’t think you would like that very much…but what else can I do? Their saying the fact that you lived is a miracle. Now that I can believe. You were a miracle the day I met you. Put into my otherwise sorry life as a bit of retribution on the universes part. When you wake you’ll show them more than miracles…. I wonder what I can do to help….to make you happy. I could spend the rest of my life doing anything you want. I need nothing else, but to feel that warm, glowing relief from all of my guilt and problems that comes along with your presence. That glare in your eyes when I’ve done something wrong, and the glint of happiness when I’ve made you laugh. Ill stay with you wherever you are, I’ve made my decision. And if that means I’ll stay in this empty depressing hospital room... then so be it. They just better let me bring a bed in here; I’m growing increasingly tired of sleeping in a chair. ---- What the hell happened? Where am I? I remember a screech, and then my legs moved on there own. After that is blackness… The only thing my mind can register…besides the fact my arms and legs are made of lead, and I feel like I got hit by a truck. Is that I’m not alone here…and it’s not in a bad way…Its just there. Explaining it isn’t really possible at the moment, since I seem to have forgotten half of the words in the English language. Crap. I try to move…. Dang. This moving thing seemed so easy before…how long have I been here? Double dang, I frankly don’t give a care anymore; I just wish I could move. Then CRASH. Light is everywhere, it slowly fades out, leaving some shapes, darkness, and lines that make there way past the fog of my mind…Panic is there for about a second but it disappears just as fast, Because I find you sitting next to me. I remember why I'm here now….thank god you’re alright. My lonely angel, my world. Sitting disheveled and… sleeping? In a rather large chair next to me. And what’s more…? You look perfectly fine. I relax then, and actually take care to look at you. Your face seems worn as you sleep. Crap. I’ve had you worried haven’t I? You should have gone home, at least gotten a change of clothes… it looks like you’ve been sleeping in these. It also looks like you’ve forgotten to care for yourself…you do seem slightly thinner. Is that even possible? You were always so thin…now it just looks unhealthy. Honestly. How can you forget to eat? I feel your fingers intertwined with mine, and try to give yours a reassuring squeeze. If only my hand would listen. Stupid thing, I only manage a weak movement. I guess I really am more beat up than I thought. Note to Jen, don’t jump in front of cars anymore. I try to move again… But there’s still that whole moving thing…not working Yup. Can’t manage a thing. I really have done it this time haven’t I? I give up on trying to move and just settle for looking at you. Sleeping in a chair. Only you angel. Only you. How long have I been out? Have you been waiting in that chair this whole time? …. Do I even have to ask? You’re so predictable sometimes. Ah crap. Your up. Here we go. You must have felt me move… if you even want to call it that. You look up a second, then down at our hands. It takes a second, but your eyes then meet my face, that’s when you freeze. Your worn face transforms instantly, miles away from how you were before. If I didn’t know better I would think it was a different person in the chair. Your eyes sparkle with that light, and even in this terrible place your smile is florescent. I try to smile back, but this moving thing just doesn’t seem to work… but you seem to see it in my eyes. Crap. Did I seriously just think that? I try to respond with what I hope is a “Hi, nice to see you… get me out of here” look, and you seem to get the point. You reach over to push the button for the nurse….and fall out of your chair in the process. A sickening crack follows…Now it’s either you, or the chair in trouble. Somehow…I don’t think it’s the latter of the two. Either way I’m stuck now aren’t I?

Great. Just great. You probably broke something… I am not waiting on you in this condition. The nurse comes in and promptly drops her tablet in shock. *sigh* Well…. Looks like were in the same boat now.

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I don't think I get it...it started out all deep and mournful, and I thought I new where it was going...then you took a TOTALLY different direction. Its good writing and all but...I'm just not sure what your point is