Happy Saint Patrick’s Day Weekend! I want to share a three-part story, that is very difficult for me to share. This has taken me a year to be able to share this, so please stay with me here!

Saint Patrick’s Day Weekend has a very special meaning to me and once you read why, you will understand!

Saint Patty’s Day 2012 started out like any other Saturday morning! Andre woke up and headed to the gym and I was lying in bed catching up on TV and texting my friends about what a fun night ahead we were going to have! I couldn’t wait to go out and let loose, at this point, we had decided to take a break from fertility treatments and just be a couple! It was going to be a fun night of drinking green beer, eating bad food and hanging out with friends.

Never in my wildest dreams, did I see what was going to happen next.

Fast forward about an hour and I started to get excruciating pain on my right side; now I had a cyst rupture on my ovaries in High School and this pain was about the same. I called Andre and he came home, by this point, I couldn’t be touched. I thought the pain would go away, I took some Advil and was hellbent on not going to the ER, but after an hour or so of pain, Andre wasn’t having it anymore and away we went to the hospital.

We went to the ER and I remember being in so much pain, I laid on the leather couch, crying, sobbing in pain. They rushed me back and started pumping the pain meds. Remember, I thought I was having another cyst rupture! (Also, side note, I was on my cycle during this and that is when most cyst rupture.)

As they are injecting pain meds, the nurse tells me they need to rule out pregnancy and I just laughed at her…but did the urine sample anyway. Within 10 minutes, she came in and told me I was pregnant. NO WAY, I couldn’t be pregnant. I was on my cycle, we weren’t trying, she must have mixed up my sample with someone else’s.

To prove me wrong, they did bloodwork and rushed it. Andre and sat in utter silence, while we waited for the blood work to come back.

I think we were both:

First in shock

Second praying for a miracle

Third, truly scared of what was to come

An hour later, we got the results. I was in fact pregnant and about 8 weeks along. I was floored, how could I be pregnant? I was on my period; can women bleed while pregnant?! All these questions were circling and circling my mind. And then in the back of my mind, I let myself get excited.

Everyone said, when we stopped trying and stopped stressing, I would get pregnant, and that seemed to happen. WHAT?

They decided to do an ultrasound, however, they couldn’t find anything. HUH? If I am 8 weeks along, shouldn’t they see something. Maybe the tech was new and didn’t know where to look.

I was released and told to make an appointment with my doctor on Monday. So now the waiting game started and yep…I guess no green beer for me!

Are there things in life that once you do them, you aren’t sure how you waited so long to try it? That has happened to me at various times in life. From trying a workout class that I was sure I would look as uncoordinated as I felt, to being determined that avocado was as gross as it looked, to refusing to fall for the “skinny jean” fad; as I was sure was going to hug all the wrong places….but in reality, we all look uncoordinated in that workout class, skinny jeans can be super flattering and comfy and avocado toast is my jam!! (shameless confession:: I legit would eat an avocado like an apple if it was socially acceptable!!)

All of these things are everyday choices we make, that won’t necessarily change our lives…Although, that workout class can give you the confidence in those skinny jeans and the perfect avocado could probably change your life…(trust me on this!)

But what I am talking about today is something that took me 10 years to try. 10 years to show up. 10 years to commit to. 10 years to admit I needed.

A support group. And not just any. An infertility support group.

Y’all. Game changer.

I reluctantly agreed to “try it out” and even when I went to pick up my friend, we each admitted that we had hoped the other would bail…well, we had no idea what was in store and I am so thankful we dredged on (even with a little huffing along the way…). But I chocked it up to a “girl’s night.” Although, what I envisioned as a circle of a few sad stories with bad snacks and lots of kleenex, was NOT what I experienced.

It is so crazy how God works, I had been connected to the leader of the support group through a mutual friend, someone that in passing on the magical forum of Facebook (literally the people you can find yourself connecting with on Facebook makes this big world feel a little bit smaller), anyway, he thought maybe we should connect. And the rest is recent history…

So back to night one. We planned to meet super early because we had about 30 miles to trek. But of course we arrive uncomfortably early and sat in the car talking about what we had gotten ourselves in to. You might wonder why I was so reluctant…okay, so I have been in this infertility journey a long time. 10 years. But I also have seen the other side of victory and have one miracle already. But given our most recent loss, I thought, why not?!

So, we walk in and the rest of the night is a blur. But not the kind of blur you wake up hoping to forget…rather an oh-so-good blur. It was so life-giving. It was so real. It was so raw. It was so freeing. For the first time in 10 years; I felt like I was in a room full of women JUST like me. I didn’t feel weird. I didn’t feel broken. I didn’t feel alone. Yes, there were tears, lots of them. But it was like a river of life coming alive in me. There was nothing I could say to make those women flinch. Because they have lived it. They are living it. Hours went by and everyone shared their story. Every story different, but so much the same.

I walked away from those 3 hours refreshed, encouraged and counting down until the next meeting. I am so thankful for these women. I am just sad it took me 10 years to find out what I was missing.

Moms In The Making – this is the one I have attended locally. They also have online group options, if you are in an area where there either isn’t a group yet, or you just aren’t feeling up for a face to face setting.

Support group or not, find someone that “gets it.” Find your safe person. Find your tribe. Find someone that makes you feel free. You are not alone.

]]>http://infertilemommas.com/only-took-me-10-years/feed/0840A Year Later…http://infertilemommas.com/a-year-later/
http://infertilemommas.com/a-year-later/#respondTue, 27 Feb 2018 01:21:44 +0000http://infertilemommas.com/?p=823A year ago, almost to the day, we announced, with ultimate excitement, that we were going to travel down this road of fertility treatments, yet again. But this time, with the hope of giving our son a sibling. I remember the emotion that went into that announcement and the waiting on pins and needles, as we read reactions of friends and family on our social media.

Social media is a funny thing. We look to it for acknowledgement, comfort and sometimes validation in our life choices. But what is interesting is that, when we receive negative response (or no response…cue crickets…) we suddenly blow it off, like, who cares what others think.

Truth was though, we cared. Not that the response of those around us would sway our decision or solidify our plan, but that we would know that we would not be alone on this new journey. We knew that we were inviting everyone in on this crazy emotional coaster we were jumping on. Looking back, you all FAR surpassed the emotional support I thought we’d receive and in every aspect, you embraced us. There were a few “crickets” along the way, but that is to be expected. This journey is not for everyone, we totally get that.

So, this is not where we thought we would be a year ago. I pictured, picking out decorations for the nursery, having to cut out some of my favorite foods, and that I would have the perfect excuse for a mid-day nap. But instead, life as we know it, continues. I am redecorating the space I had picked out for the nursery, I am indulging in all things sushi and sweet and the mid-day nap thing…yea, well, I still do that! It’s just not as easily justified, haha!

Our son still asks about a baby sister, he still asks about if mommy needs a shot, he still prays at night for the baby we may one day have. It stung at first, the moment he reminded me that he still wants a sister, for a second, I cringed. But it did not take long for me to embrace his heart and speak to his desires. He is amazing, he quickly reminded me that, we “had to pray a long time for him” and “we got him” when we did not think we would… “Jesus gave him to us.” I refuse to diffuse the spark in him, that believes for a sister.

I know that miracles still happen, so I know God hears his little heart and the bedtime prayers for a “baby miracle, just like him.”

But until then, until what would be a true, God-given miracle, we will just keep on, keepin’ on. We do not doubt, we do not lose sight of the good, we do not for a second think that we mis-heard our calling. We heard Him loud and clear. A year ago, we were launched on this journey and the amount of good that has come of it, would blow your mind. The tears, the sadness, the mourning, that comes with “a failed cycle,” pales in comparison to the good, the answered prayers we’ve been a part of, the miracles we’ve seen…from financial to physical. We have made new friendships, some close in proximity, some in other parts of the country. We have crossed paths with some of the top fertility industry professionals, that without this journey, we would never have met and would have never been able to collaborate on some projects that will change the way couples survive this chaotic fertility path. A cool story specifically, when we ordered our meds, we ordered through a company called, Schraft’s 2.0. It was a typical order and all was fine, but there was a minor snafu with the processing of one of our orders and immediately I found myself on the phone with the President of the company, Adam. What started as a quick apology for a minor shipping error, turned into a quick friendship that my husband and I are so very thankful for. Adam has given us a platform to share our story, he has celebrated our victories, he has mourned our losses and we now have a friend for life, a friend that gets it. Adam has boldly set out to make waves in the fertility world {and brilliantly, I might add} (just wait y’all!)…this is a friendship, that in these early stages, has breathed so much life into our sadness. We are thankful for the “snafu” and we all laugh about it now, because so much good has come from one tiny mistake. But I know that mistake had to happen to have our paths cross. Seriously, y’all need to stay tuned for this one because there is so much to come out of our relationship with Schraft’s 2.0 and it is all so exciting!!

So, 2017 will always hold a very special place in my heart. We said hello and goodbye to an embryo, so tiny but so full of life…if only for a moment. That moment has changed me forever. That life held hope, held our story, held our voice, held on to what God has promised us…this journey would not be easy, but it would be worth it. In the end, I had so hoped to hold a new baby, I had hoped to get that photo in the hospital of my son meeting his sweet baby sister, I had imagined a community baby shower to celebrate the life you all had a part in creating…but that is not where we find ourselves. But what is crazy is that, it is all okay. We find peace in where we are. We find peace in embracing this sweet family of 3 that we are, we find peace in this journey you all joined us on. You gave us a voice, you gave us an opportunity to be a part of something so much bigger than what we imagined. There have been real life miracles, thanks to you cheering us on. There is so much more to come…This blog is growing and there is a lot more to come, an infertility support group is coming to our community, a chance to speak publicly and share our story, we will be a tiny part of a really cool technology launch (this will blow your mind y’all! Stay tuned!), and thanks to my husband’s support; I am writing, writing a lot. I am not sure where that will take me, but for now I am just filling pages. We promise to not stop. We will keep on, keepin’ on.

So, on this one year anniversary of our latest chapter, I thank you. I thank you for loving us. I thank you for praying with us. I thank you for embracing something you may not understand. That is where real life meets hope. We all need to embrace things that we may not understand. There is beauty in being uncomfortable sometimes, you could help write a story, you could bring unspeakable comfort, you could be a part of literally creating a life, you could be a part of someone’s miracle. After all, you were a part of ours.

Moments before the egg retrieval…A quiet moment before retrievalDuring our SonohysterogramThe burn of Menopur…The life you helped create

Happy Monday! I hope you had a great weekend! Ours was full of excitement! Audy (miracle baby) went on her first date with dad, to the Father-Daughter Dance. She was so excited to get dressed up, twirl and dance with dad! Well, that didnt happen, but I will get to that in a second…

As I was getting her dressed, it hit me, this moment; to see the excitement on her face was worth every shot, every day throwing up, every tear. This was the moment I had prayed and hoped for. She was twirling, spinning, giggling and smiling; she was just so happy.

I remember back to when we found out she was a girl, Andre and I were both over the moon excited. I remember thinking of the great times I had with my dad, from our father-daughter dances, to our long talks. Not to mention; the fact that he is still and will always be, my hero and best friend.

Andre and Audy now have this special bond.

As they got in the car to drive away, I broke down and lost it. I cant believe this is MY life and that I actually get to see her and her dad start to make these amazing memories…something she will cherish for the rest of her life!

There is not one day, I dont go without talking to my dad. He truly is my hero and I cant imagine my life without him.

So back to the dance…Well, she was shy and didnt want to stay. They enjoyed dinner and then headed home to play! Maybe next year she will dance and take a picture mid twirl!

]]>http://infertilemommas.com/father-daughter-dance/feed/0794Finding Purpose in the Painhttp://infertilemommas.com/finding-purpose-in-the-pain/
http://infertilemommas.com/finding-purpose-in-the-pain/#respondThu, 01 Feb 2018 00:07:00 +0000http://infertilemommas.com/?p=318When you look up the word “Hope” in the dictionary, it says:

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted, can be had or that events will turn out for the best…

When we started this blog, we wanted to spread some hope, because, when we were going through it, we didn’t have any hope.

So, I met a new friend today and as we were going through our bible study, she said something that really resonated with me. So many times, you hear stories from people that have been through hard times and have come out the other side victorious. Typically, these stories come from a place of encouragement, thankfulness and you can almost hear the “whew” sighs in their voice…Like, “it was the toughest time in my life, but I survived it…” and you celebrate these victories with them and you are usually encouraged in your own circumstances. For a second, you are looking at a person that seems to have their testimony wrapped up with a pretty bow. But then you walk away and… maybe the next day, when life is still hard for you, or possibly minutes later, when you are reminded that you are still knee deep in your muck and yuck…you feel like that will never be you. I am here to tell you that our victories are not always picture perfect. Sometimes our victories are in the mess of the journey. We all want that picture perfect ending, as that is where our Hope lies…but if we are so focused on the end goal, we tend to get overwhelmed and feel like we will never reach the emerald city.

So, am I saying that we should not have hope?! Absolutely not. What I am saying, is that so much growth and purpose can happen in the midst of the pain of the journey.

It has been awhile since I have given an update on my own journey. I think that is because, I found myself with so much to say, that my thoughts came out jumbled and kind of a confusing mess! So I thought I would try again, here we go…

December 20th, we found out that our 4th and final IVF cycle was unsuccessful and that we would not be having another baby. The gravity of this thought, has overwhelmed my soul for the last 6 weeks. I have digested the call, replayed the nurse’s voice and tried to process this finality. The last 10 years of my life have been umbrella’ed by the diagnosis of Infertility. It has been my life. It has not controlled my life, but it is very much a part of who I am. It has been a label that in the last 5 years, I have considered a great calling on my life.

That may sounds really weird, I admit, when I typed it, I had to read it again and I found myself saying…huh, interesting. A lot of times when I write, especially about this topic, I do not sit and think of what to say. I just type. Cue that “jumbled mess” I mentioned earlier, but then I realize that is where the true beauty lies. My heart is in my words. I am not trying to convince anyone about anything, I am simply sharing MY story. And pray it helps someone.

So now, in the last 12 years of my marriage, I have had a taste of a lot of things infertility… birth control, clomid, timed sex, ovulation kits, injections, hormone replacement, x-rays, ultra-sounds, 4 fresh full cycles of IVF, a cancelled IVF cycle, 120 months of NOT getting pregnant, $100,000+ out of pocket medical bills (thanks a lot insurance companies… yuck), one healthy pregnancy, and one final call from our Fertility Doctor saying…”it was negative”…But Y’all, I look back and I can not say I would change any of it. As a 20 year old, if someone would have said-

“So, you can marry this guy, but just know that Infertility will be your story…but so will a ridiculous amount of love, never-ending encouragement, you will gain a voice for a community, you will meet some of the most courageous women you’ll ever know and the HOPE you will walk away with will far surpass any diagnosis…you in??!” I would not have hesitated with my loud and confident…YES!!!

We are NOT infertility, we are NOT broken, we are NOT less than…we are actually so much more than that…we are FULL (and not just full of hormones, which often times it feels like ) …we are full of grace, full of strength, full of determination, full of appreciation. Appreciation for how hard we have to fight. We can look back after our victories and let downs, and say…”well, we can’t say we didn’t put up a good fight.”

I have SO much more to say, writing is my therapy. But for now, I am going to leave you with this…

Hope is the feeling that what is wanted, can be had or that events will turn out for the best…

Today, I do not know why the latest events in my life did not turn out like we had hoped…But I do know that I will find purpose in my pain and that my story matters…so does yours…so keep talking!!!! (and write to us…we want to share your stories, and they do not have to be wrapped with a pretty bow! In this journey, sometimes the most hope is found in the mess…)

Happy Friday! We hope you guys have had a great week! Also, a big thank you for reading Momma Mart’s memories, there are many more to come in the future!

Well, we are back at our Infertility Fact Friday! Do you ever feel like you are sometimes speaking a different language, TTC, POAS, TTW, IUI, IVF and the list continues! Well, we are here to help! We have created an Our Lingo page to help decipher what it all means! We hope this helps you or someone close to you. Please share with you families and friends to help them decode the fertility language!

That is all for today! We hope you have a great weekend and check back next week for more helpful and fun posts!

STOP….if you haven’t read the blog post from Monday, titled-Martin Luther King Weekend- please check it out here before reading on….

Like I said in that post, it’s time for me to start sharing some of the lowest and hardest parts of my life. On Monday, you found out that I had a miscarriage in early 2011.

Warning…. that isn’t my only one and things only get worse, before they get better. So stick with me for a while. Some of my memories are hard for me to relieve and it’s taking some time, to put my feelings down on paper.

Okay so let’s pick us where we left off…

Again, I knew in my heart that I was having a miscarriage but tried to stay positive. Remember that on Friday, I started to spot and by nighttime I was full on bleeding. Heading to the doctors office the next morning was terrible. I remember, forcing myself to get dressed, (and by “dressed” I mean, yoga pants and sweatshirt, hair in a pony tail and no make up).
I remember the dreaded silent car ride (we lived over 30 minutes away) no radio, no talking, just driving. My husband held my hand the whole ride. He does this thing, where he rubs my thumb knuckle and he kept that up the whole time. It is very comforting still to this day.

We arrived at the doctors office, parked and get off the elevator…Now keep in mind, we are walking into a fertility office on Saturday, most people in the waiting room, are there for IUI or IVF procedures.

And here I am, tears streaming down my face, cramping and bleeding. I felt dirty, felt like a failure and I felt like everyone could tell that I was losing my baby.

The nurse immediately took me back to my own room, where I paced and cried. I got the blood work drawn and we left.

When we left, we got on the elevator with another couple. I buried my face into Andre’s shoulder and silently sobbed. I knew this would not end well.

I knew I was losing my baby. I knew this would change me forever. A piece of my heart would always be missing.

This is the first of many baby’s that we have lost. Each one of them has a special place in my heart and I know one day I will get to meet them and hold them… but until then I will honor their memory but sharing their stories…and think of them, every time my husband rubs my thumb knuckle as I silently cry.

I feel it is time for me to start sharing some of the hardest moments of my life. So, please be gentle!

Why is the title, Martin Luther King Weekend, you ask? Well, keep reading…

After we decided that fertility was going to be the way we’d get our baby, our first fertility doctor put me on clomid. I was so excited, this was the “miracle drug” I had heard so much about. Personally, I knew a few girls that took it and got pregnant immediately.

What is Clomid? Clomid is short for Clomiphene and it is a estrogen modulator and is taken orally. It may be used to enhance ovulation in women, who are already ovulating.

Typically, Clomid is started on either day 3, 4 or 5 of a menstrual flow and is taken for 5 days. On days 11-12 of the cycle, ultrasounds will begin to determine if an ovarian follicle or follicles have developed. Also, you will begin to test your ovulation in the mornings. Clear Blue Easy worked well for me! Once ovulation is detected, intercourse is next (aka the fun part of baby makin’)! Two weeks after ovulation, you can take an HPT or POAS (Pee On A Stick) as some so lovingly call it ;). (Check out our fertility lingo postfor a refresher!)

Okay, back to my story…

Right before Christmas of 2010, I got my prescription filled and headed to Louisiana to be with my friends and family for Christmas. I bought the home ovulation kit, (you know, the one with the smiley faces that are supposed to make you feel like peeing on basically litmus paper every day is totally normal) and every morning, I would be hopeful to see one. Well, on the 26th of December, I got my Christmas wish and we got that smiley face! We “got to work” on making our baby and then headed back to Texas for the dreaded two week wait (TWW). Two weeks passed by faster than I thought and I took an At Home Pregnancy Test (AHT) and guess what… it was POSITIVE!

I got on the phone with the nurse and made an appointment for bloodwork! I couldn’t contain my happiness, I called my BFF and mom to tell them the great news! The next day, I went to the doctor and got the results, we were pregnant but the numbers were low, which was okay, right?! The nurse said, we may be a little early!

Exactly one week later, while at work, I started to spot. I called the nurse and she told me go right home and rest! I prayed the whole way home, begged Him to make the spotting stop.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to full on bleeding (sorry for the TMI). Looking back, I think I knew I was miscarrying but I didn’t want it to be true.

Andre and I headed to doctor, for the dreaded bloodwork. We went home and didn’t talk, didn’t say a word. I think we were praying in our heads for a miracle. About three hours later, we got the dreaded call. I was miscarrying, I was losing my baby.

I felt embarrassed, devastated, angry, hurt and most of all I didn’t know what I did wrong.

Why me? Why did I have to lose the best gift ever?

I can remember calling work to tell them I would be off a few days. My mom and mother in law, dropped everything in Louisiana and came to be with us. We would sit on the couch and I would go from crying to screaming to crying again. I remember my mom trying to hold me, but I didn’t want to be touched. I didn’t want to feel anything.

Those feeling lasted for a few weeks, months if I am honest. How could I be so upset over something so small. But this wasn’t small, this was my future baby. I was supposed to hold their hand, hear them cry, feed them, and I never got the opportunity to. I lost a part of me that day. A part of me, I will never fully recover.

So why, Martin Luther King Weekend, well that was the weekend I lost the baby. Every MLK weekend, I pray for the baby I lost, I pray for all the other women in the world going through what I went through.

To read about the doctors appointment during my miscarriage, check back on Wednesday. Thanks for listening…retelling this is painful, but worth it…

My miracle is turning three tomorrow and I cant believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was pleading and begging God, to give me a baby. Well, He finally answered and gave me the best gift ever.

As I watch the baby monitor, on her last night of being a two-year-old, I can remember every negative pregnancy test, every miscarriage, every blood test and every needle, but I am stronger now than I have ever been. I proved the odds wrong and I have my miracle. I am one of lucky few, who actually get to see their babies be implanted and I am honored to be among some of the strongest women I know.

We are a small group of survivors, but that is what we are…survivors. If you are still waiting on your miracle, just know that God is working and He has a plan (haha, there I go again), and His plan is bigger and better than you can ever imagine!!

My world and my heart are complete with my miracle and I would do it all over again for her! I love you, my baby! Happy birthday!

So, we decided to do a little something different with the blog in 2018! We are going to not only share our fertility stories, share your experiences, but we are going to be sharing healthy recipes, fun exercises, and an infertility fact on Fridays! We would love to hear from you on what you would like to see on the blog! We are also going to update our shop, with some fun and exciting merchandise, check back soon!

With this being our first Infertility Fact Friday, we thought we would start with one most might know, but some may be shocked by it!

Here’s a staggering number for you…

6.1 Million

This is the number of women who suffer from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). This affects 10% of women and is a common cause of female infertility.