HowTo:Masturbate Furiously With Knives

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While perfectly acceptable for the more respectable of the gentry to be content with being their own best friend in a straightforward, fashionable manner, the more forward thinking of you may find this simply isn't enough to brush up on your typing skills without any manner of bravura or spectacle.
The addition of knives to the age old routine of personal snake charming may not be obvious at first, but with this guide, the practise of Satanic Knife Crowning will be second nature to the pastry frosting enthusiast.

In order to ensure that Satan is well pleased, the care taken in the setup is paramount.

You will arrange the candles in a pentagon, with spacings of 35cm. Then place two knives between each candle, making sure they do not overlap, so as to create the circle. Then place the inner knives so as to complete the Sigil of Baphomet. (as per Fig. 1)

Once complete, a short prayer is required to acknowledge Satan. This prayer cannot be included in this guide due to copyright; examples can be found at satanlives.com

The copy of Pride and Prejudice should then be placed in the centre of the pentagram, this is to recognise Jane Austin's true faith to the self, and her involvement in the creation of the Church as we know it today. The book should be closed and the cover readable from a flat edge of the pentagram.

Take the nearest candle to you, and move the flame to the bottom right hand corner of the novel, so as to ignite it. Repeat the prayer as the book is burning.

Tip

If you are under 25, make sure an adult is present when handling knives

Once the prayer is said, extinguish the flames using the food colouring. If the food colouring is not sufficient, you may carefully use some of your milk to finish putting out the fire. It is at this point you may drink all of, or the remainder of, your milk.

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