posted 01-26-201204:34 PM
I am a 17-year-old 'male' that has been dealing with trouble identifying my own gender for a while. Often times, when I'm not in the public eye, I identify myself as a girl. However, when I go out in public I slip into an acceptable 'male' role. I usually see that as a result of years of having to play the role of a boy while I feel like a girl-and I don't know if this is just my own coping mechanism or the actual truth. I just don't know what's right anymore because it always feels like the way I think is the 'wrong' way-especially because I am in no way attracted to men. I think other people would find it more acceptable for me to feel like a girl if I was attracted to men, but I'm not so it makes me feel even more insecure. I'm not expecting any replies to this, but I just needed to say something somewhere, because I feel very lost right now. I get depressed all the time because of this and I feel like I've let it drag out a little too long without telling anyone. Thanks for listening to me.

[ 01-26-2012, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Kaede ]

moonlight bouncing off waterMember # 44338

posted 01-26-201207:02 PM
Hey Kaede, welcome to Scarleteen!

While I'm cisgender (I id my gender as the same as my biological sex), I'm bisexual, so I know how frustrating, scary and isolating things surrounding gender and sexual orientation are. It's perfectly okay to feel like you don't know what is right anymore, society makes it pretty darn hard to be anything but cisgender, heterosexual and stereotypical.

quote:Originally posted by Kaede:I usually see that as a result of years of having to play the role of a boy while I feel like a girl-and I don't know if this is just my own coping mechanism or the actual truth.

What exactly do you mean by this?

quote:Originally posted by Kaede:I just don't know what's right anymore because it always feels like the way I think is the 'wrong' way-especially because I am in no way attracted to men. I think other people would find it more acceptable for me to feel like a girl if I was attracted to men, but I'm not so it makes me feel even more insecure

Well first off, I know it's really hard, but it's a lot easier to process your own feelings if you set aside what other people might think and feel. No matter what you're doing there will be people who don't agree, and there will be people who are rude about it. But there will also be people who do agree. unfortunately there is a lot if prejudice, misunderstanding and cruelty in the world.

Second of all, not all females are attracted to males, or attracted solely to males. This applies to cisgender AND transgender females. In the same way that heterosexuality is portrayed as "the norm", it assumed that if someone is transgender, they must automatically like opposite gender. But there are lots of lesbian MTF (male to female) individuals, and lots of gay FTM (female to male) individuals.

Identifying as female doesn't mean you also have to identify as being attracted to males. Gender does not dictate sexual orientation when someone isn't cisgender, anymore than it does when they are.

(Oh, and PS, we're always happy to listen and offer advice and support. That's what Scarleteen is here for. I came to Scarleteen with a lot of internalized homophobia and self hate, and everyone here helped me a lot and helped me to feel a lot better about my sexuality and to erase my internalized homophobia. )

So, I said a lot up there; how do you feel about all of that?

moonlight bouncing off waterMember # 44338

posted 01-26-201207:10 PM
Also, have you read any of the articles about gender on here? (If not myself or someone else would be happy to hunt them down for you and give you the links).

KaedeMember # 86127

posted 01-26-201208:10 PM
Thanks so much for supporting me, sometimes it really does feel like I'm alone in the world, but it's good to know that there are such kind people out there. In response to your question about what I said, I meant that I'm not sure if I'm just lying to myself or not; not being able to accept being male, etc. I would be very grateful if you could help me find some good articles about gender. Once again, thanks so much!

And don't worry about lying to yourself. Whatever you are feeling is valid. You may feel differently now than you have in the past, and you may feel differently in the future, or not. All you can work with when determining how you want to identify your gender (if you want to identify it at all, not identifying you gender is an option too ) is the past and the present. With time you will likely find some kind of term you feel comfortable with, if you decide that you do want one.

KaedeMember # 86127

posted 01-26-201210:54 PM
Thanks so much for the links! If I have more questions I'll be sure to post here!

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