I'm going to Crest to put his shoes on the roof, and then I'm going to take the puppies for a walk right where that picture you posted was taken. Travis loved animals so much and he would have been so tickled with these fur balls with teeth. They are 4 months old now; and I'm turning Trav's room into a doggie and kitty room. He would love this idea!

After Baris and Amber get washed off back at Crest, I'm going to pick up some Carne Asada Nachos at the drive through, where Travis and I used to go.

Yesterday I turned over the pink slip to the Toyota pickup to our Gardener. Travis learned to drive in that truck and we had a lot of fun. I had to pay some fees at the DMV, before I could turn the pink slip over; so I made an appointment, and went there before meeting with Jose. I started crying at the DMV and it was hard to stop. Then I drove with the puppies over to where my son's apartment used to be, which is near the DMV, and walked the puppies all over. Then we drove onto the college campus up the street, where Travis learned to drive and where he went to school. It was a hard day.

Today, Mom had a CT/PET scan early this morning... a precautionary thing, and waiting for results now is difficult. I hope they'll call us by the end of the day, or it will be a difficult weekend for us. We went out to eat afterwards and then went home. Maybe she'll come with me tonight to the beach with the puppies. I hope so. It would be good for her. Travis was her only grandchild.

I've missed your living for these past 4 years so much, and at this potent time of year each year, I've re-lived the last hours and moments of your breath.

This past Tuesday night, I felt your presence so unexpectedly. I could almost see you in the seat next to me as I drove your grandmother's car. That passenger's seat is/was always reserved for her, when we are/were together, and I think I've only driven her car maybe 3 times alone. I asked if it was really you, and you answered me with an empowering feeling.

Thank you for this wonderful gift, Travis.
Thank you for letting me know you are here.
I'm very much with you, and there is work to do.
Your grandmother is here, and she loves you too.
Always and Forever,
Love You,
Mom
xo

For any of you reading this, I need to tell you again that yes, the grieving process continues to be a long and difficult road to travel. Everyone is different in how they handle it, I know.

I've gone through every emotion there is; but I'm thankful to have been able to take forgiveness with me through all of it. I never realized that you could feel more than one conflicting emotion at a time, but for me, that's what this trip has been. I've been angry at a great number of people in my son's life who caused him unneeded pain during his short 30 years; but the more powerful emotion I've experienced along with my anger has been forgiveness towards these same people. Forgiving feels like the only way I can resolve what happened and cause some good to come out of it.

I truly believe we are all one organism; and what we do to each other, we do to ourselves. Being forgiving of everyone, including myself, is necessary for me, but it doesn't make me feel any less broken hearted. I don't know if that will ever change.

My son's shoes are on my roof and he's not in them. They're now a home for leaves and spiders and whatnot, giving the birds something to investigate as they fly overhead. I feel more comfortable knowing his shoes are still up there.

My son would have loved to have watched our big puppies playing in the yard. He would have added his brilliant replays to the mix, and their spit, dirt and volume would have gotten tangled in his hair.

There will be another red orange sunset tonight followed by mournful howling at the moon, as an intrusive helicopter circles.

I see you and I hear you and I feel you as though you haven't left, and yet I cry so much for my loss of you, and because you deserved so much more from this life.

On this day 3/31/2016... it is 7 years since your passing.

Sometimes I wish I could know for sure that you are in a loving place, and that you have full knowledge of how happy and unhappy, insane and ridiculous, silly yet necessary the planet earth experience was and is for all of us. Sometimes I'm OK with not knowing anything. I'm never OK with wishing I could have been a better mother.

I love you forever Trav.

Mom

Geno... Thank you for your friendship and kindness over these difficult years; and thank you for your words above for Mom. On the 22nd, it was 6 months since Mom's passing. My head is still in a whirl, and I don't know what I'm doing half of the time. You understand on a very personal level; and I send love and respect to you and your family every day.

Mike and Susan... Thank you for your love and continuing emotional support. Thank you for being here for me and for everything else that would take 1000 hours to write, or v-mail.

You would have been 38 today, this Aug 31st, 2016. Even though you left this earth when you were 30, I still cry when I see a baby, or hear a touching story of a child on TV. I see your footprints everywhere.

I miss you so much. I hope you're in a safe and loving place. I love you forever.

I just heard your phone message. Thank you for thinking about me and Travis. It's late for you on the East coast, and you sounded spent 3 hours ago, so let's catch up later. Both you and I are overloaded.

Geno,Thank you so much my friend. In the middle of going through so much family responsibility in your own world, you still took time to remember my sweet Travis. It doesn't get easier year after year. Every time I see a baby or interact with a nice young man, my heart cries. Travis would have been 38 this year. I joined a grief group, because after losing Mom and missing her so much, it's like I just lost my son too all over again. David Kessler is very helpful to those of us who are grieving. It helps to remember that all of us on this planet are in it together in this regard. Travis I love you my son.XO as always and forever,Mom

Dear Son,It's been 9 years without you now. On March 31st I bought a pizza... from the place we used to go down the street from the warehouse. As I ate, I cried myself into a sinus headache. It doesn't get any easier as time passes. Even the moon was blue.I miss you so much.Love always and forever.Mom XO

Dear Travis,Today marks 10 years since you walked this earth as we once knew. I had breakfast in an almost empty restaurant, which was situated out beyond the newly barricaded streets of this absurdly gorgeous and still narrow minded town. As I ate, I watched the huge crowd of locals in the distance, walking and running on the ocean bluffs, multigenerations, some seriously completing, some with dogs in tow. This was the walk/run that you and your grandmother and I used to enjoy. Your grandmother even won in her age group. Remember? I didn’t know it had been scheduled for today. I just decided to eat out after stopping in at Smart and Final for some home supplies. Home? That’s another part of this cruel joke. Pretty soon I will be moving away from the ground where you and your grandmother and I called home. It was hard not to cry into my coffee.I love you and miss you so much my son! 💔Mom XO

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