Monday, April 14, 2008

Yesterday we set out for Home Depot to buy tomato and herb plants, but halfway there Flip complained that the intermittent pains he'd had for about a week were back, and crippling. He was gasping for breath.

I was driving so I headed for the hospital. Turning around to backtrack isn't easy in San Francisco because most of the main thoroughfares do not allow left turns, and traffic is also heavy on Sundays. We ended up taking a slow detour through Golden Gate Park before I was able to get back on a main road.The young woman who checked Flip into the ER told me that she loved my makeup. I wasn't wearing any makeup. I hoped that the medical personnel would have more astute observational powers.

I also got to choose a religion for Flip in case he expired. I have had more heartening conversations in my life.

We waited in the Emergency Room, which really ought to be renamed the "Unconcern Room," for three hours before Flip was given a gurney in a freezing hallway where we loitered for another 4 1/2 hours. He was X-Rayed, CT'd, IV'd, and various bodily fluids were collected.

A nurse was dismayed that Flip's legs were hanging off the end of the gurney.

"He's tall," I said.

"His legs are hanging off," he repeated.

"Yes, he's 6'4" and he's lying flat. Maybe he could sit up a bit."

I helped Flip to sit up while managing to avoid dislodging the tubing in his arm, and his legs and feet went back where they belonged. The nurse seemed less troubled. I was glad I could help.

The long wait was caused by a log jam. There were a dozen people awaiting hospital beds which were not available, so they were being stored in the ER. The daughter of one patient told me that her mother had been in an ER bed since mid-day Saturday because there was no room for her to be admitted.

It was truly a no-room-at-the-inn situation. Does that mean that Flip is Jesus? I must ask him when he wakes up.

He has a kidney infection and possible kidney stones.

It ended up a fasting day for us, although nothing else was remotely fast, because we had planned to get brunch somewhere and hadn't eaten since Saturday night.

The hospital cafeteria was closed so I binged on junk food from machines. All the stuff I have avoided my entire life was there. I had only a ten dollar bill but the change machine gave me some quarters and eight large gold dollar coins with Madison, Monroe, Jefferson or Liberty on them. They were so tacky that I thought I was in Vegas, except that there was no place for me to sit. I think slot machines have chairs so people can spend all their money before they get tired.For my first course, I bought a bag of yogurt peanuts and scarfed it down in seconds. The next course consisted of Welch's fruit drops, which are like gummi bears and gummi worms without the interesting animal shapes. I shared them with Flip, who was hooked up to an IV. He liked them, but he is easy. He likes anything sweet. They had no taste at all. My main course was a Fig Newton with a side of Rold Gold mini-pretzels and a cup of tea I scrounged from a nurse who was a ringer for Carlos Solis on Desperate Housewives. There was no dessert.

I didn't see any cadavers, which leads me to believe that Gray's Anatomy and ER may be overstating things a bit.

We were finally discharged with three prescriptions including Flip's favorite, Vicodin. A good time was had by none.

This morning at 4:30, he awakened in pain so I walked to the all-night pharmacy to get his meds. I was not alert enough to drive.

The patient is flying high feeling somewhat better, so we went for a short walk. The owner of a Mercedes had just gotten a parking ticket around the corner, even though his meter had not expired. He was yelling obscenities at the meter cop, who yelled back, "Sir, read the sign behind you."

The sign decreed that there be no parking during certain hours for street cleaning. Several people on the sidewalk could not resist grinning with pleasure as everyone who lives here has been stung more than once by the outrageous parking fines in this city, which easily rival the Iraq War budget. I think I heard a few cheers from the gallery.

I hate "emergency" (ignore you) rooms. What a horrible experience. You pay through the nose for medical insurance and then get treated like cattle at an understaffed slaughter house. So I exaggerate a little, kill me.

Kidney stones..YIKES! Flip has my sympathy on this one. (It may have been caused by cold feet on his legs but that cannot be proven, can it?) I sast with a guy at Kerrville one night while he tried to pass kidney a stone and just watching him hurt. A gung ho furst aid nurse wanted to call an ambualnce and I had to stand him down because my friend was not about to get in one. We finally talked him in to going to the hospital by car. He bought me a necklace the next weekend for saving him from the big bad ambulance.

Sorry to hear you had to brave the medical services but glad things are now looking up. And I see your droll sense of humour never deserted you! Hospitals are much the same in the UK - shortage of beds, long delays, unhealthy food for visitors. Plus we'd probably have to wait weeks or months for all those tests. After all, as you say, there's a war to pay for.

You're so gorgeous that the nurse couldn't imagine there was no sleight of hand involved. Wow!

Sad that you were stuck eating the overpriced machine food. I get upset when I'm stuck with junk foods that aren't on my "cheat list". If I eat junk I want it to be my specific choice of junk - not random stuff.

My husband and I have been down this road several times, as he is prone to chest pain that requires angioplasty. Usually with that history they tend to you a with a little more alacrity, but not much. When he went in for extreme gastric distress, there was absolutely no sense of urgency at all. Weekends are absolute ER hell!

Hope Flip feels better soon! Kidney stones are just awful.

And the nurse was jealous...she just couldn't believe someone would look so good without make up :)

I have to say, everything about that post makes me glad I've moved out of San Francisco to Montana. It made me tense just reading it. I'm sorry you guys had such a horrible time of it. I can so immagine you guys going to Home Depot, only to have to backtrack through the city. Yikes...

I am well, thanks, and Flip is impressive. He can swallow a whole handful of pills at once, while I used to take birth control pills crushed in applesauce, like a baby.

Chani,

I think there are simply too many people in the world. Populations grow and old buildings can't accommodate them, especially hospitals and schools.

Rachel,

Party on, dude.

Mojo,

Cattle in a slaughterhouse. I'm beginning to think we got off easy.

Claudia,

He has drugs and I have sympathetic blog friends. We'll be fine.

Furious,

That's the plan, Van.

Bob,

You deal? If I'd only known.

In that case, San Francisco is paying for the bombings of whole countries. We have the most mean-ass parking fines in the world.

Sister,

It is well-known that cold feet on ones extremities cause many terrible diseases and conditions.

I will, however, tell Flip that he owes me a necklace since I took him to the hospital in the car.

Calvin,

And I empathize with your corridor time. Flip is still in too much pain, so we're seeing our regular doctor today.

I was quite surprised that she made that assumption but yes, I imagine it was a compliment.

Mark,

I don't think this hospital is set up to drape bodies in red blankets and hoist them into treetops, and they certainly don't know the Hopi prayers for such occasions.

Nick,

Yes, it's so much more important to kill people in other countries than to give adequate health care to those in our own.

Jali,

Yes!! If I am going to eat unhealthy food, it will be tiramisu or creme brulee, chocolate cake or at least Carr's ginger-lemon cremes. What a rip-off.

Wng,

It's as good a pastime as any, and you never run out of opportunities.

Incidentally, the guy who was ticketed has a vanity tag that says "It Tapt Me" and he parks all over the area. Apparently he can't afford a garage space, while we drive a lowly Toyota Camry which lives indoors. What's wrong with this picture?

Craze,

Everyone there was in slow motion, strolling around sucking on Starbucks, not at all like they do on TV.

Rebecca,

I'm so sorry that you and your husband have so much scary disease to deal with. "Emergency Room" is definitely a misnomer.

The sad thing is ERs are like that all over. Tey don't care. To them you're just a piece of meat. All kinds of unrelated people come and poke you and prod you whilst you wait[for the bed that isn't available] on that gurney. None of them knows [or cares] what the others are doing.....

Glad you escaped back to your own place and that Flip is feeling better, if a little spacey!

We just made another emergency run to our regular doctor, who had a 2-3 hour wait for stand-bys. Of course Flip was in too much pain to sit that long in a Marquis de Sade designer chair, so we drove home.

When his Vicodin runs out (soon,) I may jump out a window.

Jonah,

No, but they are gathering moss right where they are.

Maybe you could get some good drugs from your palindromatic college roommate, if he's still living. Which is doubtful.

Wendy,

Vicodin isn't that effective, really, if your pain is severe enough to warrant it, and is very quickly addictive.

Glad to have you both back in one piece. The only way to speed things up is to go to the hospital in an ambulance. You cut out that first four hours and actually get into the emergency room, for the price of the ambulance. You still get inventoried in e.r. if you need a room. A bed is a bed, a nurse is a nurse, and that e.r. nurse is probably better than almost any nurse except an i.c.u. nurse.

On the other hand, the best thing about hospitals is leaving alive. Congrats on having one of the best experiences on Earth, leaving a hospital alive.

You are so tough, my dear, and so realistic. I admire you immensely. What a grueling day, especially when you didn't yet know what the issue was. I have often thought that if parents told young children what life is 'really' like, they'd all kill themselves. Thank God there are some bright points along the way.

What a horrible experience. I'm so sad that this happened to you all and that it happens to other folks all the time. I just saw a great Frontline on PBS last night about the healthcare systems in Japan, UK, Germany, Taiwan and Switzerland. They're all better than ours.

that was a hilarious post. i guess the makeup thing is a compliment as in you look so good it couldn't be real? lol. maybe they were just tired. i hope when people die they don't wheel them out through the ER! like "ooops there goes another one. 5 more hours & this could be your fate, too." (journalists, cops, dr.s, morticians and those original creators of the term gallows humor... sometimes i don't even know when a line has been crossed.) do people tell flip he's a tall drink of water b/c that's the most hilariously horrid euphemism to me.

Yes, and while I have nothing but admiration for those who give their lives to medicine, I prefer to be elsewhere.

Katrice,

He's still in pain, actually. He may need surgery. We hope to find out today.

As for me, I won't make the mistake of going out hungry again.

Jameil,

I don't believe they wheel the dead bodies out through the ER. They have a large trap door in the floor for that. They drop them into the basement and let the undertaker sort them out. (Don't you think "undertaker" is a peculiar word?)