From the mind of Mary Purdy: A collection of true personal essays, creative outbursts, humorous monologues and other sundry offerings that necessitated translating ideas and whims from the brain onto the keyboard.

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12/16/12

Letter From Blitzen

Dear Prancer,

Hey you kooky
Caribou! How goes it? Me and
the gang sure miss you, especially at this season. It’s just not the same
without you. Yup, it's that time of year
again when we get the goddamned reigns strapped to our haunches and
have to drag about 3000 friggin tons of toys clear across the world in 12
hours. Can you believe we are still doing this shit? Hey, you gotta
be happy for a job, especially in this economy.
Plus, I’m super grateful for the health benefits. The
herd has been in and out of Santaland Clinic a lot this year. Dasher had a herniated disc, Cupid got parasites and Rudolph has gone in for 2 colonoscopies. Turns out everyone here, including the
Clauses, is Vitamin D deficient!

Hey, did you hear that Dancer hooked up with a moose? It’s not even mating season but they have
been going at it like crazy. You’re
missing all the action. We also
realized that that Donner is actually a female!
She’s been hiding that really well all these years. I guess no one noticed since she was always
in the back and, well, ya just couldn’t
tell with those extra large antlers she has.
I think Santa knew.

Speaking of which, Santa is
borderline diabetic now and no one’s really addressing it. I guess years
of cookies and candy canes will do that to ya. I keep telling him to take the carrots and
celery that the kids leave out for us reindeer.
I sure don’t’ want them. Who’s
been telling everyone that we like carrots and celery? Where did THAT myth come from? It’s pretty easy to google what reindeer
eat. I mean, I know it’s hard to leave
out lemmings or willow tree leaves, but at least give me a goddamned mushroom
once in a while.

Food has been limited around here though what with the
climate change . It’s a darn Christmas
miracle when I can find enough Lichen and moss to feed the family. There has been a lot of buzz about getting
some corporate funding which makes us feel semi hopeful. Thank god for Coca Cola. Did you hear they are sponsoring the Polar
Bears? That company is going to help save this
planet. Our Marketing Dept is hoping to reach
out to A & W Root Beer for some sponsorship. We figure that the similarity of root beer
and rein deer might be catchy. Who knows?
I’m pretty sure one of those large caring corporation will come in to
help us.

Anyway, Prance, I
sure wish you’d come back. Things just
haven’t been the same since you retired. Mrs. Claus has been driving everyone
crazy. She is on facebook non stop and won’t
stop baking gluten free cookies.

Plus, Toby, one of the Elves had his gall bladder out and
now ALL the elves want THEIR gall bladders out.
It’s been mayhem! Are you sure
you can’t come back even for a visit?
You had a way with those little folk.

Anyway, I should head off to zumba class. Santa is trying to make sure we keep up the
exercise for the big flight night. He
should probably get himself in one of these classes. But he’s nervous about losing too much
weight. Bad for the brand.

Comet and Vixen say hi and
Dasher told me to tell you he might be calling it quits this year, so
you may have a guest at your place come January.

Take care of yourself, old buddy. Hopefully I’ll see you before we all go
extinct!