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Saturday, June 16, 2012

I Ain't One To Gossip, But .... Full Metal Lohan With A Dash Of Chris Brown

Okay, so I had all my Lohan news, and ran it through the Snark-o-Meter, all ready to post, when I hear that Lohan was found "unresponsive" in a hotel in Marina del Ray. My first thought? Whitney.But, um, here's the real scoop:Lindsay wasn't feeling well, ALLEGEDLY, and told the producers of her craptastic new movie. They called their "doctor" to check on her. Before arriving the "doctor" asked someone from the hotel to check on her and they found Lindsay "unresponsive" in her room. Paramedics were called and they determined there was nothing wrong with Lohan and they left.Nothing wrong? Unresponsive.Now her "team" of enablers is saying Lohan was "exhausted" and "overworked" and "overtired" and "dehydrated" which is why she was "unresponsive."Girl must be a deep sleeper. Wink.And now, on with Full Metal Lindsay:

Original Recipe Lohan
crashed her car last week and I was thinking it was part of her desperate need
to be the center of attention—AKA she was jealous that Lohan 2.0, Amanda
Bynes, was high on a wave of hit-and-runs—but then I
saw pictures of the demolished Porsche and, well, it looked less like
fame-whoring and more like simple bad driving.

The basic story is this:
Original Recipe's assistant was driving her rented…..Let’s
stop there for a moment. Who would rent an $80,000 car to a woman who hasn’t
had a real job since she drove that VW in a movie? But I digress.

The assistant, Gavin, was driving the black
Porsche along the Pacific Coast Highway and BAM! he had plowed into the back
of an 18-wheeler. The Porsche was pronounced dead at the scene while Lohan and Gavin were taken to a local hospital,
checked out, and then released. The truck driver was also uninjured.

And Lindsay made sure that
the press got the story that even though she was in a serious accident she
would not stop working on that craptastic Liz Taylor TV movie. She went ahead
and plowed right into work that same day like it was a semi and she was a fast
car. She ALLEGEDLY “refused” to allow
producers to cancel shooting for the day, so it’s one of three things: a) she
wasn’t hurt in the accident, or 2) she’s the consummate professional who believes
the show must go on, or c) she needs drug money and can’t afford to miss work.

Okay, so not much to
report there, except more drama for Lindsay, which is really nothing new, eh? Except……while it appears
that both Lohan and the truck driver were sober at the time, Lindsay’s people—Hey
Dina!!—put the word out that the truck driver, James No-Last-Name, was to blame
for the accident because he cut her off. He has a different story,
naturally.

James says, after the
crash, as is her M.O., Lohan tried to flee the scene, and that her “people”—which
is a hodge-podge of chardonnay-filled mothers, lawyers on speed dial, and the
guy who sells stolen prescription pads from the free clinic on La Cienega—tried to
buy his silence.

James says Lohan's car was
behind him, and was being followed a Cadillac Escalade, driven by someone associated
with her Lifetime movie….drug dealer….and right after the crash, both Lohan and
her assistant got out of the Porsche and into the Escalade. But, James says, first the assistant picked up a
pink bag, “filled it up with something” and then put clothes on top of it.

James claims the Escalade driver
tried to keep him away from Lohan, even though he simply wanted to exchange
information with Lindsay—whom he did not recognize because she looks nothing
like herself. And then James says the Escalade driver offered him some cash, or
would take him to the “bank” and get some cash. I’m thinking maybe they would
have taken him to the riverbank and dumped his body there.

James says everyone tried
to get him to leave: “Him and the guy took me across the street and told me
this was some kind of famous person and they didn’t want to be in the
media. But I’d already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the
scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me,
‘Don’t mention the bag to the cops.’”

Steve Honig, Lindsay’s watchdog,
says, “Lindsay is cooperating fully with law enforcement. She has answered all
their questions and provided them with everything they have asked for.”

James says he did not
cut her off because he was in the right lane at the time of the collision, and
there are multiple witnesses who saw her “flying” down the highway--What's this? Lindsay was driving? But she said she wasn't!

Hmmm, Lohan driving recklessly?
I buy it.

Lohan having a stash of
something in the car? I buy that, too.

Lohan trying to pay the guy off? Typical
Lohan.

And since he didn’t take
the bribe, and didn’t say the accident was his fault, Lohan is now saying the
brakes on her car failed.

Typical.

And the saga continues…..Lindsay’s team of
enablers, er, handlers, er, court appointed therapists, er, people, are working
overtime trying to spin the latest nonsense into something that resembles real
life.

Larry Thompson producer of
the sure-to-be-craptastic movie, Liz & Dick, says, Lindsay is “shaken but not stirred [note: Seriously? He used a
booze reference? Is that some hidden meaning?] She wants to work, we are
sending her to makeup hoping to resume production and get as much as we can
done.”

Even though Lindsay came
to work on the heels of her minutes long hospital stay, a team of makeup
artists was dispatched to cover the bruises from the accident or to
cover the fact that Lohan looks like a blow-up doll that has been left out in
the rain for a month.

Thompson also says
Lindsay isn’t supposed to be driving--Again? But Lindsay said Gavin was driving!--because she’s really bad at it….like
Amanda Bynes bad—but that when “they
went to pick her up today, for some reason she decided they (Lohan and her
assistant) would get in her own car, so the limousine driver followed
them.”

Thompson: “I was nervous before the movie started, now I’m
just petrified… I was telling someone: Lindsay went to the doctor, and I should
go see a psychiatrist.”

Honey, that’s a visit you
should have made when the thought of hiring Lohan came into your head.

Steve Honig, Lindsay’s,
um, chief enabler, says the truck driver's allegations that Lohan
tried to bribe him are just nonsense because a jewel thief, car-jacker,
kidnapper, serial rehabber, criminal on probation would never ever do such a
thing! Honig: “It
seems to me once he realized he wasn’t going to get anything from Lindsay he
decided to get cash by telling tales to the tabloids. I hope he got whatever
money he was looking for. Personally, all I care about is that Lindsay and [her
assistant] Gavin are okay.”

Oh, except that now, law
enforcement sources are saying that “Lindsay Lohan lied to cops Friday by telling them
she was NOT driving the Porsche that slammed into a truck on the Pacific Coast
Highway, and as a result she could be prosecuted and her probation could be
revoked.”

At in the hospital, right
after the accident, the police say, “Lindsay told police she was a passenger in the Porsche and her
assistant was driving. But the lie didn’t stick because later Lindsay’s
assistant [Gavin] told police Lindsay was behind the wheel.”

And several
eyewitnesses
say they also saw Lindsay behind the wheel too.

So, first she wasn’t
driving and then James cut her off and then the brakes failed and then, well,
she was probably drunk and all sorts of cracked up and driving like that scene
in Mahogany where Tony Perkins wants
to kill Diana Ross, only this time Lohan is Perkins and her assistant is Diana
Ross.

This could spell trouble
for the cracktress because it’s a crime to provide false information to a police
officer, especially when you are on PROBATION!

I hope her old judge gets
wind of this story, cuz she ain’t buying the Lohan Kool-Aid.

Now let’s step away from
the car crash and look, for a moment, at the trainwreck that is Lohan’s life.

Last year there was all
sorts of news that Lohan would be in a movie about mob boss John Gotti, that would
star that other tabloid darling, Miss
John Travolta—unless he was getting a massage.

Travolta was supposed to
play the “Teflon Don” while Lohan was desperate to play Victoria Gotti. Lindsay
and her team of dealers, enablers, lawyers and drunken mothers, leaked all
kinds of stories about Victoria Gotti’s ALLEGED
friendship with the Lohan mob and how it was the part to restore Lindsay’s dead career.

But then, shortly after
Lindsay appeared on every red carpet alongside Gotti, word came that she was
not going to be in the film and never was supposed to be in the film. Apparently
she was axed from consideration because Dina made too many demands—like all the
chardonnay she could drink—and because Lindsay wanted more money than
she’s worth—and she’s worth about a dime…..bag. So, the producers weren’t
having it.

But then something
happened, like a need for even bad publicity, and Lohan was back in.

But in a minor role; I
think it was Dead Whore #2.

Now, though, comes the
news that even Lindsay can’t play a dead whore.

She’s out.

Her Enabler-In-Chief, Steve
Honig has admitted that Lindsay isn’t going to be in the Gotti film at all: “I
can confirm that Lindsay has not signed on to be a part of the John Gotti
movie, nor is she in talks to join the cast. It does not look like an agreement
can be made. Lindsay’s representatives and film producers were unable to come
to an agreement. Lindsay has the utmost respect for Barry Levinson [the
director of the movie] and the producers and hopes to work with them in the
future and wishes them all the best.”

And, in response, the
director, Barry Levinson said, Lindsay
who?

And, of course, since the
big story tacked onto the Gotti movie is TravoltaGroping, who needs Lohan’s
antics to publicize their film when a much bigger star likes to get his Wee Willie
Winkie rubbed.

Poor Lindsay. If only she’d
been arrested for prostitution, she might have gotten the part.

Of the Dead Whore.

But fear not, dear Lohan fans. Lindsay has another film
already lined up once the craptastic Liz
& Dick is finished. Or, at least once she gets written out of the movie
and replaced by a real actress.

Yes folks, you will soon be able to see Lohan on the big
screen and….

Huh? What?

Oh, it’s not on the big screen?

But you’ll be able to see Lohan in another made-for-TV
movie that…..

Huh? What?

It isn’t a TV movie? Or a feature? Is it, gasp, regional theater?

No. It’s a somewhat different film that will probably
never see the light of day and head straight to DVD. If that….

Huh? What?

It’s gonna “premiere” on Netflix? Oh dear jeebus!

Here’s the story: Bret
Easton Ellis and director Paul Schrader wanted to work together on a film
project which Ellis wrote, called The Canyons. Their goal was to an “LA noir” with a “micro budget”—i.e.
it would cost about as much as a Big Gulp—and would be filmed digitally and “released”
on Netflix.

The film will follow a
small group of LA twenty-somethings—note: Let’s digest that. Lohan hasn’t looked
like a twenty-something since she was twelve. These days she’s looking
forty-something, so will she be playing mother to someone in the cast?—in a “psycho-sexual
thriller.”

Porn.

Ellis says both the male
and female leads will have nudity as a requirement.

Um, Lindsay nude? Sagging
fun bags and all? I see a quick trip to a Costa Rican plastic surgeon in her
future.

And, Ellis has confirmed,
via Twitter of course, that Lohan has been cast as “Tara,” the girlfriend and
former model—note: Lohan. Former model? Oh god the comedy—of the lead character.
Christian, who will be played by, and I kid you not, porn star, James Deen.

Apparently, Lindsay
auditioned for the part, and in Ellis’s words, “Lindsay nailed it.”

Or, they all nailed Lindsay
because, seriously, how else is she gonna land a job except for auditioning
while flat on her back?

And since we are
continuing with All Things Lindsay, Plus A Little Chris Brown, let’s add:

Now it turns out that
Lohan was driving the Porsche when it
plowed into the back of the truck. Not her assistant, as she first told police.

So, why lie, Lindsay? Is
it because your first instinct is to lie? Is it because you’re so cracked out
you didn’t know you were driving?

Well, maybe she did it
because of insurance issues. The production company’s insurance company didn’t
want Lohan behind the wheel of a car, and I imagine her own insurance people begged
her to be the Designated Passenger, but when you’re a Lohan why should you
follow rules?

Or, maybe she said she
wasn’t driving because “law enforcement sources” are saying that Lohan had
an open container of alcohol in her trunk at the time of the accident. She
was carrying said alcohol in a water bottle—which has been a Lohan M.O. for
years.

Okay. So she had booze in
the car and possibly in her system so that’s why she lied.

Instead of, you know, not drinking and driving!!

Law
enforcement sources and the tow truck driver say that the police
ALLEGEDLY confiscated a plastic water
bottle from the trunk of the Porsche, and that the bottle contained alcohol.
Another law enforcement source tells us the bottle was actually in
the debris field and scooped up along with other parts and placed in the trunk before
it was towed away.

Still, it’s not a violation
to carry an open container in a trunk, so Lindsay is in the clear. And,
according to cops, she had no alcohol in her system.

Still, not the smartest move
for a cracktress with drug and alcohol issues and trip after trip to rehab.

All righty then……

Off the Lohan and onto
Chris Brown.

You know, the guy who beat
his girlfriend? The guy who threw a chair at a window at Good Morning America
after they asked him about beating his girlfriend?

Yeah, that Chris Brown.

Well, he was on the other
end of an ass-whupping, ALLEGEDLY.

Apparently, Chris Brown and
Canadian rapper Drake were in the same NYC nightclub last week and Chris sent
some champagne to Drake. But Drake sent the bubbly back with a note about
Rihanna—Chris’s old punching bag—and then chaos ensued.

And Chris got beat up.

Now, this seems to have
been brewing for a while. Rumor has it that Chris and Drake have had a less
than friendly relationship since about three years ago, when Rihanna cheated on
Chris, with Drake. And you know Chris Brown
ain’t letting that go.

Still, sources say Chris
sent the champagne over as a kind of peace offering but that, ALLEGEDLY, Drake sent it back with a
note that basically said something like “I’m f*ckng the love of your life
[Rihanna], deal with it.”

Whatever message Drake
sent back caused Chris to immediately fly into a rage. He ran up to Drake and
his entourage—which included another Chris Brown rival, rapper Meek Mill, who
also ALLEGEDLY had a relationship
with Rihanna.

That girl gets around….but
I digress….back to the fight.

Drake punched Chris in the
face and before Chris could retaliate, someone from Drake’s group hit Chris in
the mouth with a bottle. Probably a bottle of champagne, I’m guessing.

Security immediately broke up the fight.
Drake and his posse left the club before police showed up and Chris also left,
though he headed to the hospital where his face was sewn up.

Not his mouth, though that
would have been nice.

Or his fingers, because he
later Tweeted: “How u party wit rich n**** that hate? Lol…
Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!.” And then he tweeted a photo of his face and the stitches.

12 comments:

Man oh man, when Lindsay gets into trouble, she does it with flair.But all kidding aside, if she doesn't get her life together (she is 25 years old already) we are going to hearing about her in an obituary tribute... because her lifestyle (cocaine, alcohol, etc.) leads to one of three places.Jail, institutions or death ... and she already has been in jail and in rehab, so... God help her.Have a great weekend Bob and thanks for the Lindsay "full throttle" news.

your blog has helped us in trivia- i just keep getting what lohan does mixed up with what bynes does. tony asked me why bynes was even famous and i couldn't even answer him other than she was famous for being a train wreck.

I think it's hilarious the two rappers that allegedly have one studded Christian Louboutin sneaker in the closet fought over a girl by throwing champagne bottles instead of punches at each other. What kind of self-respecting person wastes the nectar of the Gods like that?

We are watching a young life implode, and due to her past history of being her "mother's" cash cow, this poor young woman wont be getting the help she needs before its to late. Gads I hate seeing this.