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Sorry guys, I have been through hell and back this week. You all are right. I first didn't want to post out of fear of E reading it, and I didn't want to admit to the world I was thinking about doing something so stupid. But the cat is out of the bag, and in the past few days I've endured some harsh transparency and everyone knows my shit. Thank you so much to all who messaged me. I got 6 replies, and it's a long story, so I pasted the same story to everyone. Here's what I said:

My original question has completely changed now- from a "Should I do this? Is it safe?" to a "Oh, my God now what do I do?" IDK where to start but other than to tell you what happened. Mine and E's hotel room visit was less than satisfactory. Even before I started exploring my fantasies, I realized that I did not feel sexually satisfied with E anymore. I know he has a lower libido, and that there's special ways to deal with couples who have different libidos, but it felt like it ran deeper than that. For over a year, the thought of cheating had come into my head off and on. At first it flat-out scared me and I told him and begged him to help. Then, it started slowly gettig less and less scary and repulsive, until in the last few weeks it almost seemed reasonable.

So I went on Craigslist and found a Daddy who I could eventually meet up with. (In a coffee shop the first few times then in a hotel room after that.) I made it clear I was in a relationship, didn't want to change that, wanted to be safe, blah, blah, blah. We exchanged about 30 emails talking about our fantasies together. I didn't want to betray E anymore than I needed to get what I wanted... And for some reason this felt for the most part OK to be doing, but I was waiting for the common sense to kick in... I was making sure it was something I could back out of anytime, because I hoped it would start feeling wrong soon and I'd have second thoughts. 4 days went by emailing this guy.

Well, it never really got to that point before E seen the emails. (It was an accident- he wasn't snooping.) I ended up telling him the truth. He was furious. Then later he cried a lot. I can't believe I hurt him so bad! This was on Thursday. It's been hell since then. Saying he wants to break up, that he loves me but can't deal with this, then bursting into tears and telling me he can't leave me. (I'm on a similar roller coaster.) I've been doing a lot of begging him to stay, to please give me a second chance, telling him it's OK to feel the way he does, helping him process his emotions, letting him say what he wants and ask all the questions he wants and being honest. We've sort of decided to try to see if it works out and go to a counselor. The 21st of this month is our 4 year anniversary. I know I fucked up really bad. I hurt E beyond almost beyond forgiveness. I tore down the trust we had. And I also fucked myself up- I'm insecure and a lot of the time have overwhelming feelings that I don't deserve E or anyone. Now there's some truth behind that.

I want to stay with him, because the emotional benefits far outweigh anything... But I cheated because I couldn't live without sex, and I had a fantasy he was having too much trouble fulfilling. He says that he probably won't be able to stomach having sex with me for a long time (and to prepare myself for the possibility of a year of no sex). He said that being my Daddy in bed is probably never going to happen again- and neither will anything close. So the whole realm of BDSM is basically out, and probably role play, too. I think I can live without it, but I'm not sure. Maybe the couples counselor we go to will help... I'm not sure. I'm so confused. I guess it's worth a shot. If I feel the need to cheat again, I will break up with him... But I don't know if I can do that. What do you think?

**Not sure if this is categorized correctly... Since the question changed, it's not really so much BDSM related.

It is going to take a very kind caring person who loves him to help him get over this
and I very much doubt that that can be you.

From his point of view
You were his first
You introduced him to YOUR kink, he wasnt overly comfy with it but tried his best for your benifit
ontop of that you are making him feel sexually inadiquate

I am sorry to say this but at this moment in time I dont think you deserve E, or at the moment I dont think you are right for each other

I may be wrong, and I hope counceling helps you both

You are both young. Sometimes things just dont work out. Yes you may get along in many ways but if something as important to you as sexual compatibility isnt there then possibly it would be better to realise that you are amazing supportive friends - but not lovers
I had to do that with my x of 12 years, it isnt easy to do that - but better to be honest than to cheat

Instead of thinking about what you want if you really love him think about what is the best for him
If you can humbly and honestly say it is you then mibby you can fix things

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He needs someone who is more understanding of his emotional needs, and you need someone more understanding of your sexual ones. You sounded as though you don't understand how you hurt him so much- that shows that you two have a pretty big disconnect in what you believe, not to mention in what you know about eachother.

I hope counselling helps, I don't have much advice for staying together other than seeing a counsellor, and if your libido's so bad, learning to use sex toys in a fulfilling way.

Also, you want to stay with him for the 'emotional benefits.' That's not fair to him, and it's not very good for you either. You both need some long hard thinking done.

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Oh, no. I fucking understand. I was trying how to help myself, so that's why I asked this how I did. I'm tired of defending myself, saying how sorry I am so others don't think i'm selfish. I am sorry, I said it to him, God, my mom and countless friends. If you hurt someine you love, it hurts you too. I don't think there's words for how I feel. Guilt, remorse, disbelief, self pity, self hate, unworthiness, disgust- that just scratches the surface.

I guess I will have to look elsewhere for help... But if I can't even get past the apologies to seek help then fuck it. It's hopeless.