My girlfriend is experienced in many ways, but aviating is definately not one of them. She recently had to fly, alone, to visit me. This was the first time that she had to fly alone, on-one to hold her hand or explain what all the sounds and stuff is all about. She was therefore rather terrified, but also comforted by the fact the she would be flying a scheduled rather than charter carrier. You see, one of her theories is that charter pilots are guys who failed a test somewhere or got bad grades in pilot school. This is entirely based her extensive experience of 2 charter and 1 scheduled flight. Both the charter flights landed rather hard; the scheduled greased in. Logical innit, and how do you argue that one with a blonde ?

Anyway, she turns up at the airport for the Virgin Express flight. Her previous scheduled experience was also on Virgin, and she aims directly at the same check-in desk she used the first time. But some idiot planner had changed around the check-in desks and what should have been Virgin was now "some strange name with AIR in it". She promptly dishes the poor check-in clerk a lesson on the absurdity of moving check-in desks, and is sent away in the right direction.

Having completed check-in and security, the next hour is a blur of wild shopping in the tax free, buying everything from triple-action skin tonic to fast acting hair conditioner and other items of huge feminine importance. Having spent an amount equal to the GDP of several smaller nations, she finally heads off towards the gates. Referring to her last flight, and putting very little faith in the boarding pass she was issued, she proceeds to the only gate she knows; the one used on her only previous scheduled flight. Of course, the flight was at another gate and she promptly dishes out another lecture to the poor gatestaff, pointing out the idiocy of moving around aircraft when she is flying. Are these people stupid ? It's the same airline is it not ? Amazing as it may seem, the gate staff took it in their stride and sent her off to the correct gate, which happened to be rather far from were she was and prompted another outburst from my love: Why is MY gate so far away from the shops ?

Finally boarded, the kind stewardess points her towards a window seat in an otherwise empty row. She wouldn't have any of that and asked for the aisle seat. At this point she displayed the very limit of her aeronautical knowledge by stating "my boyfriend works in an airline you see, and he has told me that you moving around your trollies have a far bigger impact on the balanced flight (her words) than me changing seats !". The stewie smiled and approved her change of seat. You see, she has a very well developed sense of safety and how to spot if something goes wrong; she keeps the stewardesses under constant supervision. This under the, rather correct if I may add, proposition that if the stewardesses are busy serving beers rather than panicking, everything must be fine. Obviously a seating by the window would hinder her view of the cabin and therefore the stewardess observation technique would be jeopardized.

Now comes the time she likes the most; meal service. This may sound even more quaint knowing this is Virgin Express, but she absolutely loves airline food and closely examines the contents of her lunch bag before deciding on an order of attack. How do you argue the quality of airline food with somebody who has made her, blond, mind up and decided she loves it ? I have given up.

During meal service the aircraft reaches TOD and, I will assume, smoothly levels off. My girlfriend was less than impressed, claiming that it was most likely a charter pilot on an upgrade course since she felt a distinct jolt when the aircraft levelled off. Soon after they encounter light turbulence, but this she also credits to the poor handling abilities of the apprentice pilot. I failed to find any arguments that she could accept to contradict her point of view.

Since she has now established that her life is in the hands of an apprentice pilot, most likely straight out of a charter aircraft, she is naturally a little nervous about the landing. As things were, the landing was flawless. In her mind, obviously because the apprentice pilot had been relived of his duties following his (pilots are always male) earlier mistakes, and the aircraft must have been under the command of the pilot, clearly an individual with many years of airline service under his belt.

She managed to navigate the arrival job, despite being let off at an unknown gate, and when I meet her in arrivals she is happy to have survived another encounter with an airline ..... "but I wasn't at all nervous 'cause I knew it was a scheduled airline"

I love you darling, you bring sanity to the world of avaiation.

under_exposed

23rd Apr 2002, 15:27

Have you explained thoses things under the seats are life jackets and not parachutes, My wife was shocked when I told here.

Firestorm

23rd Apr 2002, 16:10

I like her logic - flawless. I will take that with me through my career.

It reminds me of a lady passenger of a certain age who, on arrival at destination, after a flight (VFR) on our light twin turb-prop (two-crew, and scheduled carrier) asked at what point during the flight we had engaged the auto-pilot.

I looks at Captain, Captain looks at me, and we inform her in unison that we have no auto-pilot on this type. Lady of uncertain age looks first taken aback, then smiles and says these immortal words:

"You mean to say you flew all that way by skill? How wonderful!" and turns on heel with smile splitting her face. Not half the smile on Captains' and my face though!!:D

Women, what wonderful creatures!

Flip Flop Flyer

23rd Apr 2002, 16:51

Under Exposed,

I think it would be very foolish of me to reveal any more of the secrets of aviation to her, least of all the fact that lifewests are carried instead of parachutes. She does not like flying at all, and only a cleverly designed web of lies got her to visit me in the first place. Knowing she would be flying a RJ85, I pointed out all the marvels of having 4 engines around you, cleverly leaving out the fact that they are in reality oversized APUs. But then again, she doesn't know what an APU is :)

She has completed a full Aerodynamics course, all 4 minutes of it that is, then she lost interest and started talking about how her friend has met a new guy etc etc etc.

I fully support her theories, mainly because trying to contradict them would be a waste of time . She has made her mind up already you see, and nothing I say or do can change that.

Damnn, I love that girl. Here's to you babe.

ft

23rd Apr 2002, 16:53

Flip Flop,
since she's still girlfriend rather than ex-girlfriend, she must be gorgeous! :D

Cheers,
Fred

RW-1

23rd Apr 2002, 20:54

I wanna hear what you plan on telling her about those pesky yellow masks that may pop down from the ceiling, of course if on one of those smaller charter lines they may not have 'em :D

BRL

23rd Apr 2002, 21:05

Great post FFF. The world according to Ms FFF. So whats her outlook on sex then... :)

Flip Flop Flyer

24th Apr 2002, 08:45

Big Red,

She would be doing great here in Jetblast :) In short, as much and as often as possible.

When she was here visiting she shocked the local girls and was duly marked for life. She can hold a large amount of liquer (like, one bottle of booze for 2 is not enough for a party), needs to have sex at least twice a day (difficult sometimes) and doesn't work in aviation ...

ft

Not gorgeous like Helena Christensen, but beauty is only skin deep right ? She is funny, warm, kind, generous, sexy, has the most beautiful sparkling eyes and best of all, she loves me.

under_exposed

You are joking right ? I just got her kind of comfortable about flying, and now you want me to tell her that the ******r can suddenly lose pressure (have to explain pressure too then) which will deflate her lungs in seconds if she doesn't grab the yellow thingy supposed to drop in front of her face ? I don't think so :)

Konkordski

24th Apr 2002, 12:56

What happened to radar and all that gubbins? Sounds like you're trying to drive a car from the boot if you ask me.

My sister, on being told that the A340-600 has a tail-mounted camera which feeds video images to the cockpit to help steering. Hadn't actually mentioned that I meant steering on the ground... :rolleyes:

Foss

24th Apr 2002, 16:31

sheesh,
couldn't possibly put one of those yellow mask things, it would wreck her make-up, and anyway yellow just doesn't go with blond.:D

Firestorm

24th Apr 2002, 17:26

FFF,

I don't suppose you could get her to post on JB, or come to the GatBash? She could do stand up or something, and put us all in our place!!!;)

Capt Claret

25th Apr 2002, 05:08

Flip Flop,

I know what you go through. Mrs Claret hates flying with a passion and only gets onto an aeroplane after fortifying herself with alcohol and Vitamin V tablets (valium or similar).

She can't go to the toilet on the aircraft, because it's only her concentration that keeps the damn thing in the air, and she can't concentrate on having a wee and keeping the aircraft aloft at the same time.

Our last flight together, two days prior to x-mas 2001, was interesting. Desite the surgar sachet having the word S U G A R printed boldly down the side, Mrs Claret decided it was infact a hand towl. She ripped the top off and proceeded to spray sugar across the cabin, as she tried to shake the hand towel out.

Every time a pax pressed the F/A call button and she heard the chime, a vice would grip my arm and a nervous voice would ask me what was going on.

We were flying in the tropics during the wet season, the ensuing dodging and weaving around CBs was interesting too.

Enjoy! :D

falps

25th Apr 2002, 08:39

Glad to read that Mr40 isn't the only white-knuckle spouse here! ;)

Diverging somewhat, there's something I have been wondering about.

In the old days I used to take Mr40 along on some of the better trips we had, namely Africa because it's my favoutrite continent.
Now despite my best efforts, those trips never really were all that much of a success.
If the Captain gave us his own room so we'd have the only double bed in the entire hotel, Mr40 would gripe about the dripping shower.
The tea in Ghana, served by yours truly at the bedside, gave him stomach ache.
Drinks with the crew were always a tense affair because I coud tell he wasn't comfortable around my colleagues, didn't approve of the raunchy humour, couldn't understand why we'd sit up until deep in the night just talking cr*p, drinking and laughing at anything and nothing.

He still tells people about the time we were on safari in Kenya and hit a particularly animal-free zone. Not even a wildebeeste for miles and miles.................. So the talk drifted and went from shopping in Singapore to diving in Jeddah, where to eat the best steak in Buenos Aires, and trying to remember the name of that strip joint in Anchorage.
This got him so mad!
To this day I can't understand it, but he got incensed by what he viewed as our callous attitude.

Anyway, while the crews went out of their way to make him feel welcome & comfortable, he always watched the whole bunch with gravest misgivings.

So finally here's the question; is it only my better half who feels like a fish on dry land when with a crew, or do some of your wives/GF's/husbands take the same dim view of your colleagues?

PS: These days I bring my teenage kids along for a trip now and then. They love it, understand flawlessly the fine demarcation lines between joking in a crew when on the ground and behaving with respect when on the AC. They behave better than they ever do at home, think that the goings on in a crew on longer trips are hilarious, join in the gossip at breakfast with gusto, generally have a ball and I have to drag them out of the Hotel bar at night. :D

G SXTY

25th Apr 2002, 13:58

Chatting to a mate the other day about Concorde, and the merits of 23 miles a minute and watching the sun rise in the west, etc.

Mate’s girlfriend helpfully chips in: “Concorde. Does that travel at the speed of sound or the speed of light?” Hmmm. :(