BLUE EYE, MO—In a stern warning to anti-Trumpers nationwide, televangelist Jim Bakker warned on his show Tuesday that all six people who are somehow still following him will “come out of the shadows” and start a civil war if President Trump happens to be impeached.

“If [Trump is impeached], I predict that every single one of the half-dozen people who still pay attention to me will rise up, and there will be a civil war in the United States of America,” said the prosperity gospel fixture from the 1980s, whose sex scandals and subsequent five-year prison sentence for fraud and conspiracy revealed him to be a charlatan to everyone on earth except roughly five or six people, depending on the day.

“I’ll tell you what—if my mistresses were to join in, that number would easily double, and then the liberals would have a real fight on their hands,” he added ominously.

Bakker went on to assure his listeners that a global catastrophe was near, explaining that they needed to immediately purchase the Jim Bakker Tasty Deluxe End Times Nachos Plus Dessert Bucket, which contains 14,789 servings and has a shelf life of 60 years, for a donation of only $7,900.