I'm an aspiring comedian -- seriously aspiring -- so I'm out most nights doing stand-up. My girlfriend gets upset about all the time I put into this and expects my nights off to be spent with her. Recently, I was going to an open mic, when a friend called and invited me to a birthday party. I ended up blowing off stand-up for the party, but later, my girlfriend asked me how stand-up went and I just said "fine." I don't normally lie, but looking back, I was just tired and not up for a drawn-out conversation. The next morning, I said something about the party, and she realized that I'd lied. Now she is upset and says that if I'd lie about something so insignificant, maybe I'm lying about bigger things.

--Stand-up Guy

You're an aspiring comedian but a failed sociopath -- telling a lie about your whereabouts at night but going all "whoopsy" about keeping it up the morning after. On the success-in-crime scale, this is like getting picked up by the cops for bank robbery -- because the bank manager spotted you making off with that pen on a chain.

Still, yours was not a white lie -- a lie to spare another person's feelings -- but more of a beige lie: a lie to spare your own feelings (allowing you to get into bed instead of into a three-hour parole hearing). Obviously, lies are not Miracle-Gro for a relationship. Even small lies gnaw away at trust and can destroy your bond. But seeing as there's no evidence you're a serial liar, what's important is why you told this lie. Maybe you're generally conflict-avoidant. But chances are, you're specifically conflict-avoidant -- comedy conflict-avoidant -- probably because your girlfriend sees your devotion to your comedy as a crime against the relationship.

This is probably what led her to believe that all of your non-comedy nights belong to her -- which amounts to your being an indentured boyfriend, working off all your stand-up nights with romantic evenings out. When you love somebody, no, spending time with them isn't the worst thing in the world. But you also need time to goof off and be a person -- to cut out of comedy some night to hang with a friend at a party or just sit in your underwear and stare at the UPC label on a can of beer.

As you've seen, avoiding conflict doesn't make it go away; it just goes away and sharpens its fangs. You and your girlfriend need to discuss whether she's truly on board with your doing comedy and all that entails, including your need for some unapproved lone fun. If, for her, this isn't so much about time as it is about feeling important to you, you could pledge to be extra-affectionate when you're together -- hug her, kiss her, sweetie-talk her -- and set aside a designated day every week to spend together (as a number of comedy couples do). If she can opt for quality over quantity, you should be able to retire from your brief career as a failed liar -- or at least put lying in its proper place: getting out of your driveway in the morning without starting a blood feud with the neighbor and keeping holiday dinners with the family from ending with somebody's face pressed between the plates of the George Foreman grill.

Comments

One of the questions I would have for this guy is how much time does his girlfriend get with him. He's out "most" nights, he says. So, that's at least four a week, probably more. And if he's doing stand up, his weekends are already spoken for. That can't sit well with her, and I don't blame her.

I can't help but feel this relationship could be in serious trouble. She's not happy with the number of nights he's doing stand up already. I wonder if they're can be an incompatibility issue with the amount of together time they have. It just seems like she needs more than he does, but that doesn't make either one of them wrong. It might, however, make them unsuitable.

I hope, whatever the agreed-upon time allotment is, it's something she can live with. If not, she may need to begin her search for someone more attentive.

An excellent and interesting column, Amy. I marvel at the variety of issues you manage to cover, considering you generally restrict yourself to relationship advice. Whereas other advice columnists tend to be jacks of all trades (and masters of none) covering everything that a person could ask advice about. (Where would Dear Abby be without her twice yearly reminders to check the batteries in our smoke detectors?)

Patrick
at December 3, 2014 6:33 AM

I'm with Patrick. If he hasn't spent time with her in weeks and never blows off stand-up gigs for her, I can see why she'd be hurt that he's willing to blow one off for a friend's party. She may feel taken for granted.

If he no longer feels the need to set aside the kind of quality time Amy describes for his girlfriend -- and doesn't even realize when, say, a month goes by without it -- perhaps it's time to reconsider the relationship.

sofar
at December 3, 2014 7:46 AM

A few thoughts

1) if he were serious about his career he wouldnt have blown off a gig for a party. Every gig is a job interview, and he just got marked down in a book as a guy who doesnt show up

2) I'm betting he spends plenty of time with her, just not the "right kind" of time

3) ordinarily I;d say dump her an mover on, but if you are serious about being a comic stay in this crappy relationship so you can tell the horror stories a few years from now

"1) if he were serious about his career he wouldnt have blown off a gig for a party. Every gig is a job interview, and he just got marked down in a book as a guy who doesnt show up."

If it were a scheduled gig I'd agree with you 100%. However, "open mic night" sounds like it's a deal where anyone who walks in can perform; most of it is probably pretty bad, and there probably isn't much of an audience. It may be a gig he's done before and decided it was a waste of time. It puts me in mind of certain companies around here who will interview people that they have no intention of hiring, just so they have names to write into proposals.

Open mic night is practice for comedians. If you do this every night, which this guy pretty much does, save for a few nights a week, you're pretty committed (and on a level few people are). One night off to go to a party is probably necessary. We need breaks from work or we are worse at the work we do. I make this point in an upcoming column vis a vis the neuroscience on diffuse versus focused mode problem-solving.

Amy's right. Working for yourself involves long hours, but sometimes you just need a break here and there - doesn't mean you aren't dedicated.

Lobster
at December 4, 2014 10:14 PM

The real question here is why this guy is in such terror of his girlfriend that he lacks the courage to be honest with her. She's his friend, not his mother. If she's not willing to treat him as one, what is he doing with her?

Michael
at December 4, 2014 11:09 PM

"The real question here is why this guy is in such terror of his girlfriend that he lacks the courage to be honest with her."

Good question, and I have to admit that I picked up a bit of a Cluster-B GF vibe from the LW's description. There's no further evidence in the letter, so it's hard to say. But I can tell you from personal experience that when you're involved with someone like that, there are times when you will say or do absolutely anything to make the histrionics stop for a few hours, even though you know it will cause problems later.

Cousin Dave
at December 5, 2014 12:56 PM

Here's a thought: what's the GF doing in her spare time? What kind of activities is SHE devoted to? What life does SHE live, if any?

Seems to me that if said GF had a life BEYOND her BF, one that includes aspirations, dreams, friends, and/or hobbies of her own (much Iike the BF), the relationship would strengthen, probably with much healthier results that include a positive outlook on love AND life overall.

My experience with the issues and struggle of making my very life revolve around my significant other is most certainly one I've had firsthand.

Lesson: The only person you live with your entire life is YOU. So whether someone has a relationship or is single, the fact remains the same that without acknowledging your own self worth, and without discovering whom YOU are, no relationship is possible until you share a relationship with YOURSELF.

Okay, all done :)

Miss.EM
at December 6, 2014 11:12 AM

I could see her being hurt that it didn't cross his mind to bring her along to the party.

whistleDick
at December 9, 2014 6:50 AM

I could see her being hurt that it didn't cross his mind to bring her along to the party.

Especially if he emphasized how VERY important it was for him to perform at the club.

LauraGr
at December 10, 2014 9:56 AM

Wait a minute! He didn't invite girlfriend to the party? Was it a stag party? There was no mention of asking girlfriend to the party. Sounds like girlfriend isn't a priority. A chat or a "movin' on" plan is in order.