Read by four out five drunken monkeys–written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “July 2, 2012”

So you need to find a job, but you have the following problems: you interview poorly because you have poor verbal skills, you get nervous in pressure filled situations, and most importantly, you’re hopelessly stupid.

You are sloppy and ill-mannered to the point that Larry the Cable Guy thinks you’re uncouth.

You give bad first, second, and third impressions; the fourth time people meet you they generally snap and attack with a stapler.

And you smell funny: like beets and goat urine.

So I’m going to aid you in your quest for employment with some helpful hints to get you through that daunting job interview.

Things you should not wear to a job interview:

A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.

Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.

That shirt you own, that has a mustard stain, that looks like Jiminy Cricket.

That shirt you own, that has a ketchup stain, that bears likeness to Donald Duck.

Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like a Disney character or otherwise.

Those bell-bottom pants that you’re so proud of.

Your alligator boots. (This applies if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)

Your lucky pair of pants. (They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.)

Your fake eye patch. (Yes it makes you look cool, but don’t)

Your Groucho Marx glasses. (Yes they’re hysterical, but don’t.)

Things not to do on a job interview:

Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre, by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.

Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.

Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.

Bad-mouth your previous employer, explaining to your interviewer, that he singled you out for beratement and unfair chastising.