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Topic : 05/04 Violent Love Intervention

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:13:48 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

They’re slapped, beaten and bruised. Sometimes, the violence doesn’t end until they’re dead. Dr. Phil talks to women who say they are the victims of abuse and need an intervention before it’s too late. Michelle says her boyfriend, Ryan, flies off the handle over the smallest issues. She reveals that he began hitting her when she was pregnant with their son. Ryan says he can’t control his anger because his own dad was abusive with him as a child. Is it too late for Ryan to change? Then, Linda says her fiancé, Eddie, shot her in the eye and nearly killed her when she threatened to leave him. He’s now serving only four years in prison because, Linda says, she lied to the police and called the shooting accidental. Her mom, Jody, says she’s sickened that Linda still cares for the man who almost took her life. Will Linda stop loving the man who shot her and learn how to have healthy relationships? Talk about the show here.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

If you have doubts

About your relationship and wonder if this could be you, the following information could help you identify a potential abuser:

1. Jealousy and possessiveness

2. Controlling behavior

3. Verbal Abuse

4. Threats to harm you, your family, your pets

5. Isolation from friends and family

These 'red flags' were given on yesterdays Oprah Winfrey show. The show featured a woman whose ex-husband burned her alive. All 5 of these warnings were present in the relationship this woman had with her husband. She chose to ignore them in the hopes that he would change. Well, he changed all right. He went from the verbal and emotional abuse right into the physical. Ultimately, he has changed her life in ways we cannot begin to imagine.

Please listen to the message. It is the first of life's clues. You are welcome to check out the Abuse board on the Dr. Phil website. It is listed under Marriage. There are women there who have been where you are, who are currently living with abuse or have already escaped. They are there to support, educate and help. They care.

Even if you are not sure, please take the time to check it out. Just for your own peace of mind. You might save your life or that of someone you love.

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Hi my name is Adrien and I'm only 18. My boyfriend is one year younger than I am. We have been in many arguements but we are definately in love. He has shoved me, choked me, and slapped me but only one time. I have hit him before too though. So it goes both ways. I know our relationship is obviouysly not healthy but we are trying new things everyday to make us work. I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation. And not only do we fight physically but he calls me names all the time abd tries to bring me down 24/7. I say mean things sometimes too that I know I shouldnt say but I never call him names. So what do I do?
Thanks---adrien

So what do I do?
Look really hard at Ryan and decide if you want your baby to become an unhappy, angry and abusive person like him. That IS what will happen if you raise your child in an angry abusive relationship. It sounds like both of you need some help.

I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation.

Maybe keeping the baby wouldn't be a good idea-you are both very young so raising a baby would be a big strain on you both. You both need to work on your anger and self control before you will be good parents. There are lots of good people just waiting for the gift of a child.

Dear Adrien........

Been there, done that. Also tried to find "reasons" why this would happen to both my ex husband and I. You need to find self respect first....find out who you are and what you really want in life. Look at yourself from the outside and ask yourself "what does this girl deserve?". I guarantee you your answers will not include "to be put down", "to be hit", "to be yelled at"....put it on paper if you have to,and start living by it. Work on your self image first, and then re-assess your relationship. Ask your boyfriend to do the same. If you are actually in a loving, committed relationship, sitting down together and deciding what you both think you deserve might open more doors of communication. And, if there really is another life coming into the world, write down what you think that baby deserves, too, because abuse doesn't age discriminate.

Good luck to you.

I've been there and done that!

I was with my sons dad for 10 years. he was always calling me a stupid *itch, a *unt....name it I was called it! Until one day my son woke up and started to call me the same things.WOW I couldn't beleive it! I was like holly crap what I'm I doing with this person. I know that you don't want to live cause you love him and Blah blah blah. But you know what? my relationship was so screwed that my ex husband use to tell me that he will kill me and no one will find me. Well one day my son heard him say that to me......And when it was time to put my son to bed at night he would tell me. Mommy are you going to be alive tomorow morning? Or he would say. Mommy is dad really going to kill you and put you somewere that I won't see you again?

That was the last of!!! I had enough!

Just because you are expecting a child and think that will chage the relationship! think again!!!!!

It doesn't my Dear!

Anyhow...you will do what you want!

Just save yourself and that baby that you think you are about to have.

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Hi my name is Adrien and I'm only 18. My boyfriend is one year younger than I am. We have been in many arguements but we are definately in love. He has shoved me, choked me, and slapped me but only one time. I have hit him before too though. So it goes both ways. I know our relationship is obviouysly not healthy but we are trying new things everyday to make us work. I think I might even be bringing a new life into the world so I dont want us to not be together but I need help or advice on what I should do about the situation. And not only do we fight physically but he calls me names all the time abd tries to bring me down 24/7. I say mean things sometimes too that I know I shouldnt say but I never call him names. So what do I do?
Thanks---adrien

Sounds like yours is an abusive relationship, everything bad that you said about it, that's what an abusive relationship is but some are much, much worst: broken bones and murder. What's a girl to do?

I say demand from her guy that he takes the time to grow wise with her in learning what makes a healthy couple. That takes an enormous amount of time studying, reading, talking to others, and putting advice into practice . . . a journey begins with a first step.

A dad once stopped by his son's house and replaced a heavy top on a toy box he'd made for his grandaughter with a light-weight piece of plywood. Something terrible had happened and he paid a priceless gift to be back. Now, . . . it didn't.

So when your 80 or so Adrien, what possibly could it be that you'd most wish to go back and change? Seek wisdom for both you and your man so that you now won't be it.

your post flthomcat disturbs me

So glad I chose to volunteer at our children's school instead of watching the show.

It is EVER SO SIMPLE: If "love" hurts, than it ain't love!!!

And if you and the guy are fighting before you're married, it's a sure thing that fighting will get worse. Normal people are on their best behavior during the dating phase. If they're not, that's your sign to GET OUT of the relationship.

If you don't love yourself, you'll accept physical and/or emotional abuse. Learn to love yourself first (and respect yourself) and you won't be willing to allow anyone to treat you badly. And if you have children, you OWE IT TO THEM to get them away from any form of abuse. It's your responsiblity and it's not solely about you anymore. They will become you...either an abusive person or a very passive one with low self esteem. Do NOT do that to your children; they didn't ask to be born!

Perhaps when families get stronger and stay together (and worship together), chidren will have a better chance of growing up emotionally happy. With the low value placed on traditional families (where the kids were top priority and mommy's/daddy's needs didn't come FIRST), we've seen abuse sky rocket. The two ARE related! As a society, we should be realizing that the strong famiy unit (with good morals, values and a strong work ethic) is what produces the healthiest women (and men). Untiil we mend the family and start valuing it, things will not improve!

It saddens and disturbs me that you really believe that its EVER SO SIMPLE.

You are right..."if love hurts, that it ain't love" that I will agree on.

It does get worse.

However, there are some real myths at work here in your post ---THE MAJORITY OF ABUSERS AND BATTERERS ARE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR DURING THE DATING AND BEGINNING...RATHER CHARMING, KIND, PATIENT AND ENDEARING AND CARING....AND THE MAJORITY OF BATTERERS AND ABUSERS ALSO PRESENT THIS FRONT TO THE WORLD OUTSIDE THEIR HOUSES AND HOMES.

ITS WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS THAT IS THE HORROR.

These abusers and batterers brainwash and program these women into believing that they are to blame for what is happening and what goes on in the relationship that turns out wrong....it is a cycle that occurs with interludes of the "charming fellow" making the appearance over and over again after all his tactics and antics.

THE WOMAN IS SLOWLY AND PROGRESSIVELY STRIPPED OF HER "SELF" AND WITH THAT GOES HER SELF-ESTEEM......that is the INTENT of the abuser. That POWER AND CONTROL OVER.

You are also right, that the children in these houses are dependent on their mother to do the right thing for them.....THE BATTERER WILL USE THE KIDS AND THE SITUATION TO THREATEN THE WOMEN AND FORCING HER TO STAY.

THE MAJORITY OF ABUSED WOMEN COME FROM AND THOUGHT THEY LIVED IN TRADITIONAL FAMILIES AND THAT IS PART OF THE GLUE THAT KEEPS THEM COMMITTED TO THE RELATIONSHIP....THEIR TRADITIONAL VALUES, THEIR RELIGION, THEIR WANTING FOR THEIR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY TO WORKOUT.

Be careful how you drop stereotypical myths and remarks regarding abused and battered women and children. These myths and wrong conclusions are part of why the woman feels she must stay. This very attitude toward their situation and what the batterer says to them about what will happen to them and the kids when they leave or attempt to tell their story.

MILLIONS OF WOMEN STAY BECAUSE THEY CAME FROM FAMILIES THAT WENT TO CHURCH, THE RELIGION OFTEN ENFORCES AND ENDORSES THE SUBMISSIVENESS OF WOMEN IN FAMILIES.

MILLIONS OF WOMEN STAY BECAUSE OF THE VERY TRADITIONAL FAMILY VIEWS THAT YOU SPEAK OF.

MILLIONS OF WOMEN WHO CAME FROM GOOD MORALS, VALUES, AND A STRONG WORK ETHIC ARE BATTERED AND ABUSED IN THEIR OWN HOME BY MR. CHARMING....WHILE HE GOES OFF TO HIS WORK AT THE OFFICE...OR OTHERWISE.

Blaming the victim is also another sure way to insure that the women will continue to remain trapped.

Education on your part and society's part regarding the dynamics of Abuse and Domestic Violence is the only way we will overcome and hold accountable the Batterers and Abusers of these women and children.

Do hope that you are willing to read all the resources offered on the SHOW BOARD....AS THERE ARE MANY NATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS AND FOLKS IN THE "trenches" that are trying to get the TRUE MESSAGE OUT TO STOP THIS ABUSE AND CARNAGE.

Does the name, "Lacy Peterson" or "Lori Hacking" ring any bells with you?

Please be willing to be part of the solution.

Your neighbors, your teachers, your clergy, your doctors, your nurses, your friends and possibly a member of your very own family could and would thank you.

I saw the first half of the show

and I was just a little upset. At the very beginning, Dr. Phil said that he wanted to unmask hidden problems. The he talked about "people" in violent relationships. And from there went on to the topic of "women" in abusive relationships. Dr. Phil, in my estimation, fell into the politically correct , but intellectually dishonest trap of feminizing victimization in domestic violence.

Women are violent toward domestic partners, too. Frequently with very damaging results. I have no quarrel with the discussion that Dr. Phil had. But I think he missed an opportunity to humanize the issue by both the language of women and victimization and by omitting talking about female offenders.

05/04 Violent Love Intervention

Good job Mom for putting your son first! When I was involved with my former husband, after years of "discussions" about having children, I finally realized that I could not bring a child into this world and risk their life because of who I was married to. That helped me later on when I made the decision to leave him (I'd thought for a while that I might be able to just focus on him, and forget my desire to have children, but he got more violent). I tried to "fix" my husband for years, but he was convinced there was nothing wrong with him. I thank God I didn't have children with him, because I know deep down he would have hurt them, or neglected them at the very least. I'm so glad you are able to have a civil relationship with your child's father for the benefit of your son, but please, do not ever turn a blind eye to what he is capable of doing. I know it's easy to feel sympathy for folks with mental illness, but protecting your child has to be your first priority. Good luck to you, and great job, Mom!!!

Call the Domestic Abuse Hotline

Iam married to a abusive guy mostly physical and mental abuse, yesterday I mowed the grass, and of course it was wrong, then he had me clean the wood stove i didn't do that write either, then he brought me some dirt to put in our garden he says i don't know how to spread it out write, if i paint it is sloppy he says if i clean or make supper i don't do a good enough job, if i discipline or don't discipline our children i don't do that write, I helped him one day reinsulate the outdooor stove he got mad because he didn't think i was doing it write, he threw a carpet knife at me and attempted to hit me with a shovel, i ran in the house he ran after me and then threw me on the floor, my whole side ached for days he told me he didn't feel that i was helping write, we have a pet rabbit and he has a litter box well one day he bathroomed on the floor by accident because he got startled over some noise the tv made he also chews on things in the house my husband told me that i don't get after the rabbit enough and that i didn't care if the house got wrecked which is not true because iam always trying to improve the house by painting and cleaning and buying things to make it look nice, he got angry at me and flipped the rabbit cage in the air and the rabbit came running out but was not hurt he then ran after me and got in my face and told me that he would like nothing more than to just kill me. i told him then just let me leave he wouldn't he once kicked me out and told me i couldn't take the car and told me to start walking so i did and then he stopped me and wouldn't let me leave he everytime i have attempted to leave he ripped the wires out of the phone, jumped on my car so i couldn't leave took my car keys, i don't understand it he says he loves me and our children then why does he treat me this way and if they truly love you why do they kick you out but then don't really want you to leave, i have put him in jail many times for choking me, punching me, throwing things at me you name it and everytime it turned out to be my fault his family would all gang up on me to make it look like i was really bad news, my husband is an alcoholic and has been for years and everyday he calls me names like b---, wh---, sl---, bad mother, lover , fat ugly you name it, everyone tells me to leave but i have no self-esteem i have never felt like anyone else would want me how do i raise my self-esteem and leave him?

1-800-799-SAFE You can do it and you have got to get the children out of there. There are people standing by to move you, house you, clothe you, counsel you and your children, put them in school, give them school supplies and help you find employment. I did it and so can you. I wish you all the best and I am afraid for you. Please get out. If you can't find the strength to do it for you right now, do it for your kids, or they are going to end up without a mother which will ruin their lives.

Call 911, get domestic violence support from agencies, and personal support and counseling

Iam married to a abusive guy mostly physical and mental abuse, yesterday I mowed the grass, and of course it was wrong, then he had me clean the wood stove i didn't do that write either, then he brought me some dirt to put in our garden he says i don't know how to spread it out write, if i paint it is sloppy he says if i clean or make supper i don't do a good enough job, if i discipline or don't discipline our children i don't do that write, I helped him one day reinsulate the outdooor stove he got mad because he didn't think i was doing it write, he threw a carpet knife at me and attempted to hit me with a shovel, i ran in the house he ran after me and then threw me on the floor, my whole side ached for days he told me he didn't feel that i was helping write, we have a pet rabbit and he has a litter box well one day he bathroomed on the floor by accident because he got startled over some noise the tv made he also chews on things in the house my husband told me that i don't get after the rabbit enough and that i didn't care if the house got wrecked which is not true because iam always trying to improve the house by painting and cleaning and buying things to make it look nice, he got angry at me and flipped the rabbit cage in the air and the rabbit came running out but was not hurt he then ran after me and got in my face and told me that he would like nothing more than to just kill me. i told him then just let me leave he wouldn't he once kicked me out and told me i couldn't take the car and told me to start walking so i did and then he stopped me and wouldn't let me leave he everytime i have attempted to leave he ripped the wires out of the phone, jumped on my car so i couldn't leave took my car keys, i don't understand it he says he loves me and our children then why does he treat me this way and if they truly love you why do they kick you out but then don't really want you to leave, i have put him in jail many times for choking me, punching me, throwing things at me you name it and everytime it turned out to be my fault his family would all gang up on me to make it look like i was really bad news, my husband is an alcoholic and has been for years and everyday he calls me names like b---, wh---, sl---, bad mother, lover , fat ugly you name it, everyone tells me to leave but i have no self-esteem i have never felt like anyone else would want me how do i raise my self-esteem and leave him?

You are in grave danger, your children are in grave danger. Your pet is in grave danger.

You are dealing and living with an unreasonable DANGEROUS MAN.

YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN ABUSIVE EXPLOSIVE MAN.

YOU ARE LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC.

Call 911, get him out of there.

Use the resources in your community to help YOU, and YOUR CHILDREN.

HIS FAMILY IS NOT A GOOD SOURCE FOR SUPPORT OR HELP...STAY AWAY FROM THEM, THEY ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.....THIS ABUSE THAT HE REINS ON YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR PETS IS LEARNED BEHAVIOR AND WHERE IN HECK DO YOU THINK THAT HE LEARNED IT???

His alcoholism is a separate problem.

The abuse is a separate problem.

And with both of those problems at play here...You have to be the one to keep your family safe....with the help of outside agencies both for you and your children.

You can raise your self esteem through personal counseling with a counselor....you can raise your self esteem through support groups with your local Domestic Violence Agencies.

You can raise your self esteem by educating yourself through these agencies on Domestic Violence and your safety and your childrens safety.

You get your self esteem back by protecting yourself and your children and the pets with the help of all the resources and agencies that are out there in your community to help YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

There are shelters available and there are restraining orders and officers of the law and legal advocates that will help you to do the right thing for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN.

There is an abuse message board that offers help, support and resource information and a sounding board here on Dr. Phil's site.

There is help and advocacy all around you.

Take care.

He is NOT Loving you or your children and this is changing your children every minute.

Tuesday's show

and I was just a little upset. At the very beginning, Dr. Phil said that he wanted to unmask hidden problems. The he talked about "people" in violent relationships. And from there went on to the topic of "women" in abusive relationships. Dr. Phil, in my estimation, fell into the politically correct , but intellectually dishonest trap of feminizing victimization in domestic violence.

Women are violent toward domestic partners, too. Frequently with very damaging results. I have no quarrel with the discussion that Dr. Phil had. But I think he missed an opportunity to humanize the issue by both the language of women and victimization and by omitting talking about female offenders.

Tuesday Dr. Phil had a woman on who was violent toward her partner. She had pushed him around a few times. She didn't have the strength to do any real harm, as most women don't. It's just the way we are built. She had gone on the show to fix her man but Dr. Phil put her in her place. I think he was addressing men abusing women today because men are usually bigger, stronger and more aggressive and women are generally smaller, more meek and more likely to get KILLED. So be realistic and look at some numbers please. Three women are killed every day by their men. There is a STAGGERING number of women out there who are not working, home with the kids and feel trapped in their abusive situation. You got some numbers for me? Let's see them but as a woman who barely escaped death by my so-called lover's hand I take offense to your whining. The bottom line is NOBODY should be physically, emotionally or verbally abusing ANYONE. So cut the semantics and get to the bones of the matter instead of trying to start a battle of the sexes which, by the way, has no basis in fact.