Archives for May 2011

I was working with a client named “Jane”. Jane really knows Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT)/tapping. I said to her, “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”

Her response was a loooong pause, followed by, “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”

Let me back up a little. Jane had called me because she was feeling frustrated, hurt, and stabbed in the back. It was a business situation where one person was saying bad things about her and another, who is a friend, wasn’t standing up for her and letting the smack talk spread.

Jane was feeling hurt by the person who was saying bad things about her professionally. She was feeling even more hurt by her “friend” who wasn’t standing up for her or letting her know what was being said about her.

Which led to this interaction:

Me: “I have a radical suggestion for you. And you don’t need to do it. But it is a thought. I think you need to surrogately tap for both of them!”

Jane: (pause) “OK, I’m listening. Why would I do that?”

Me: “Because it is the fastest way for you to be free from the emotions of the situation.”

Now, I want to be very clear, sometimes it DOES NOT make sense to take the fastest path. Sometime it makes much more sense for us to take our time with an issue.

There are times when it is healthier for us to heal slowly. Our systems need time for us to work into the issue. I regularly work with clients for whom it would be much too painful to dive head first into an issue. These clients need to work their way gradually into the deep emotional pain they feel.

One of the beauties of EFT/EvEFT is that it allows us to creep up on an issue.

But there are also times when we just want to be free of something, when we’re ready to go right to the core of an issue. In such cases the fastest path can be best.

I have found that when I’m angry at, frustrated by, or hurt by someone else, the fastest path to being free of my emotions is to tap for them and their issues.

This does a couple of things for me.

First, it helps me to get to the root of my emotions. If I’m trying to tap in health and well being for someone I think does NOT deserve those things, I get fully tuned into the negative feelings I have about them.

The internal dialogue will go something like this:

Me: I wonder what they are struggling with right now

Me: Who cares…I want them to get their finger caught in their zipper

Me: I hope for good things in their day

Me: They can go jump in a lake for all I care

Me: Who is being a burden to them today?

Me: No one, because they are too busy being a burden to me to notice anyone else.

Second, by surrogately tapping for them it gives us a chance to look at things from their point of view. Every action the other person takes serves some functional purpose for them.

I WANT TO BE VERY CLEAR: This isn’t to say that their actions are right!

This isn’t saying it is okay that they take the action towards us!

This is not saying they are permitted to take the same action again to us!

This is not saying that they should not take responsibility for their action!

We all must take full responsibility for our actions, but it might help us to reframe the situation.

My goal in life is simply this: To live the truth I know (which is limited, incomplete, and hopefully expanding each day) in every action and choice I make. In doing this I know things are not always going to turn out the way I want. I hope to respond to all outcomes — the ones I want and the ones I don’t — with a sense of grace and love.

Do I do this all of the time? NO!

Do I do this most of the time? Maybe, maybe not.

But that is what I shoot for. The easiest way for me to do this is to accept all people with love. When I tap surrogately for them, that’s what I am doing.

Again, this is not to condone their actions and/or choices, but it gives me the choice to be free, to stop being an emotional prisoner to their choices.

That is the only control I have, at least until I can reframe the situation to the point of recognizing other options exist.

I am not saying you HAVE TO tap for the people who frustrate, hurt, belittle, and take advantage of you.

Also, I am not saying that you need to stop being mad, frustrated, angry, or hurt.

I know from personal experience, it can be a lot of fun to be angry.

Anger, hurt, and frustration can and do serve a purpose. You can choose to emotionally live wherever you like.

What I am saying is that, based on my own experience, the fastest way to be emotionally clear of negative emotions about someone else is to tap for them.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Feel free to comment below or drop me a note.

Often we are ourselves the biggest obstacle to our success. We hold beliefs that prevent us from trying, that prevent us from recognizing the opportunities we have to move forward. “Brian” was in a situation where he wanted to move forward with his business. He came up with a number of brilliant ideas to move his business ahead, but when push came to shove he wouldn’t take the steps he needed to take to move forward.

When we successfully identify these beliefs, tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques(EFT) is a perfect tool for melting these beliefs away, allowing us to easily follow through on our inspiration.

Using a few advanced techniques, we had isolated the source of Brian’s resistance. He was afraid because he had accepted the belief, “I have to be perfect at everything.”

This was a really wonderful piece of information. We could easily understand why this was preventing the forward progress. The belief system looked something like this:

I have to be perfect at everything

When I am not perfect it feels horrible

I am not living up to what I should live up to.

Others are going to look down on me.

I am going to let myself down.

I am going to feel foolish when I fail.

Therefore, I am only going to try things I know I am going to be perfect at

This belief system served Brian well. It spared him the misery of feeling foolish by avoiding the conditions that required him to be perfect.

The flaw in the system was the first supposition.

We don’t have to be perfect at everything.

There are lots of things that we don’t have to be perfect at. So we tapped:

I don’t have to be perfect at everything…there are lots of things that I need to do just well enough at…I don’t have to tie my shoes perfectly…I don’t need to make a sandwich perfectly…I don’t have to make the bed perfectly…there are lots of things in my life that all I need is to do them well enough…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving…this doesn’t mean that I am going to stop striving for excellence…but I am going to keep everything in perspective…I am going to give myself permission to know that I can do some things well enough without having to do them perfectly.

This round of tapping created a greater sense of peace for Brain, but he could still feel some resistance. For some reason it was still a standard he needed to live up to. So we continued the work by going after the definition of perfect.

It is good that I am trying to be perfect…this is rooted in wanting to do my best…this is rooted in wanting to become my best self…but perfect isn’t about getting everything right…perfect is about doing the best that I can…perfect is about living in this moment…perfect is being able to be thankful for this moment…perfect is being able to recognize that in this moment I get to choose who I am…in this moment I get to learn more about myself in the world…perfect is being easy enough with myself that I can know I am going to get another chance…perfect is striving to be my better self…I am always going to be a work in progress…I am never going to do everything perfectly…but I can live this moment as perfect…by striving to be my best…this moment can be perfect because I can learn from the things I am not doing perfectly

This created more peace and relief for Brian. It also created a belief that he could move forward without having to be perfect. As we were doing the tapping described above, Brian remembered his father’s need for perfection from Brian, even when he was a young child. We then tapped to clean up the emotions in those memories.

Lessons from this session:1) If you don’t know why the feeling is there, ASK!
Brian had no idea what beliefs were preventing him from moving forward. Once we isolated where the belief was located it was a simple matter of asking. The answer was, this kept Brian safe.

When I tune in to a physical feeling, belief, or emotion, and I don’t know why it is present, I ask three questions:

What are you afraid of?

What are you trying to protect me from?

What information are you trying to convey?

This won’t always give us the information we need, but it will lead us in the right direction.

2) It is there to protect us
I feel like a broken record when I repeat this over and over, but it is a point that can’t be missed. Brian’s failure to move forward protected Brian from the pain of not living up to perfection. Once we understood how Brian was being protected, we were able to transform the false belief into more useful thought patterns.

[Note: Are you looking for tools to help you get out of your own way and achieve what your really want? Check this out]

In real terms, what does it actually look like when I start making changes in my life with Tapping/EFT?

Tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) can make changes in our lives in very practical ways. It allows us to change the way we respond to the world around us.

EFT is often most useful for aspects of life where we feel like we have the least amount of control. These could be situations where we feel like we are a victim to circumstance or a victim of other’s choices, or where we feel much too emotional.

Often when we are working on issues like these it takes a little time to see major change because of the amount of work that we need to do. As we do EFT we begin to feel ever more in control of our emotions, and it becomes easier for us to make good choices.
After working with numerous clients, I’ve found we move through 6 basic stages from feeling out of control to easily being in control and making the choices that bring us closer to our better selves.

For example, let’s assume “Anne” is trying to deal with feelings that one of her co-workers has it in for her, undermining every choice she makes.

As Anne does work with EFT on this issue she would move through these six steps.

Stage 1 Of Healing and Transformation: Unaware

In this stage we are completely unaware of the way our thoughts affect our emotions and how our emotions affect our choices. We are simply floating along, reacting to events. We don’t feel like we have much control over what’s happening in our lives.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”

Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.

She spends the rest of the day in a bad mood.

In the future she continues to feel resentful toward the co-worker.

Stage 2 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware Well After the Fact

In the second stage we start to understand cause and effect, but it is well after the fact and it’s only with a great deal of self-analysis. Generally in this stage someone must help us see the cause and effect.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”

Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.

Anne spends the rest of the day in a bad mood.

After work Anne has a drink with a friend and she explains how her co-worker attacked her today.

Anne’s friend is able to help her see that maybe her co-worker was only trying to help her out by offering another option, not attacking her.

Anne realizes that she did overreact.

Once she sees what has happened she gets back to a happier mood.

Stage 3 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware Right After the Fact

In the third stage you see how you are reacting to a situation. You still overreact, but shortly after the fact you understand what has happened.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”

Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her.

After Anne gets mad for a moment she realizes her co-worker was just sharing her own experience. Anne might not agree with it, but she understands the spirit in which it was offered.

Stage 4 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware as the emotion is arising

In the fourth stage it feels like the world is starting to slow down a little. We recognize what’s happening as the emotion arises. It is as if we are becoming a third party observer of our own experience. As it happens we will think, “This is what just happened, this is how I have interpreted it, and I am now reacting like this.” We may be quick enough to stop the emotional reaction.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”

Anne feels like her co-worker is attacking her very briefly, but she realizes almost instantly that she’s about to overreact. She hears her co-worker clearly.

Stage 5 Of Healing and Transformation: Aware of the thought which leads to the emotion.

In the fifth stage it feels like the world has slowed down even more. In this stage we recognize the thought before the emotion. Once we recognize the thought, we can see how the thought is flawed. Recognizing that the thought is flawed, we are able to stop the unwanted emotion before it has the chance to arise.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I might have done it this way…”

Anne realizes three weeks ago if her co-worker had said this she would have felt like she was under attack.

Stage 6 Of Healing and Transformation: No thought

Once you get to stage six, once again you don’t notice anything happening, just as you didn’t notice in stage one. But stage six is very different because the thought and emotional response occurring in stage one simply don’t occur. In stage one you don’t notice anything because you are unaware. In stage six you notice nothing because there is nothing to notice. You no longer feel like you are being attacked in any way, therefore there is nothing to react to.

It might look something like this:

At work Anne completes a project.

A co-worker comments, “I would have done it like this…”

She thinks about their feedback.

She might use it. She might not.

Anne thanks him for his feedback and moves on with her day.

THE MATRIX
I think a great illustration of this is in the movie The Matrix. For those who didn’t see the movie here is a quick recap of the critical points:

Neo, the main character played by Keanu Reeves, is minding his own business living on the fringe, a very brilliant computer hacker. Through a series of events he is introduced to the idea that the world he perceives is not a real physical world. Instead what he is experiencing is a very realistic-feeling virtual reality experience. It’s nothing more than a giant computer program that is giving him information. He is not simply watching a movie in his mind, but is actively interacting with the program. The program responds to his thought as actions.

Others who understand they are living in a virtual world persuade Neo to help bring down the system. As Neo learns more and more about the virtual reality system his mind is caught in he also learns that he can control more than just his actions, he can also control other elements of the system as well because it’s nothing more than information.

The most famous scene from the movie comes after Neo begins to assert control over elements in the system. One of three bad guys who had been sent to stop Neo fires a handgun at him. With his newly-gained control of the system Neo is able to slow the world enough to dodge the bullets.

At the beginning of the movie Neo is completely unaware of what is going on. Once he chooses to see that there is more at play than he had previously thought and that he might be able have some control, the world changed. At first he understands very little; he’s more overwhelmed than before because he has little control. Because he is unable to process all he’s been taught about the system, he feels like he has less control over his life than he had without this extra knowledge.

But as time passes he gains more knowledge and experience. He starts to understand how the world works and the things he can control. He sees more clearly what is illusion and what is real. As he does this he is able to see the world around him slowing down.

The scene where Neo is dodging bullets is the first time in the movie where he demonstrates a great level of control. This is very similar to stage 4 describe above. He sees the trouble coming but is able to slow it down enough that he’s not hit. In stage 4 we see the emotions arising from the thought, but since we are aware, we stop it from affecting us.

To extend this analogy even more:

Stage 1

Analogy: We are shot but don’t realize it. We let the wound fester, making us miserable.

Real World: We feel we have no control over the world and no control over how we feel. Things happen and we suffer.

Stage 2

Analogy: The bullet hits us, but we don’t realize it right away. It is only after we realize we have been hit that we seek medical attention.

Real World: Something happens, making us feel like we are a victim of circumstances. We just suffer emotionally until we understand what has happened. At this point we stop suffering.

Stage 3

Analogy: We are hit, but realize it right away. We seek immediate attention.

Real World: We react over-emotionally to something, but right away we realize why we are overreacting and are able to find our way back to peace.

Stage 4 (As stated above)

Analogy: We see the bullet coming and get out of the way.

Real World: As something is happening around us our emotions start to rise, but we recognize this right away and are able to deal with it quickly.

Stage 5

Analogy: We recognize the gunman but get out before a shot can be fired.

Real World: We see what’s happening and recognize how it might normally get an emotional charge out of us, but we remain in a state of peace.

Stage 6

Analogy: The gunman never shows up.

Real World: Situations that would have brought emotional charges in the past no longer mean anything to us, so we don’t even notice the situations occurring.

Depending on the severity of the issue, we are going to move through these 6 stages at different rates. In some cases we’ll pass from stage one to stage six in just one round of tapping. In others, where issues have built up over years, like self-esteem issues, it will usually take much more time to move through these six stages.

The primary reason it’s important to understand these stages is that this helps us to understand how we are healing. A number of my clients have been frustrated that after doing so much work, they still haven’t gotten better. They feel they haven’t gotten any better because they still have the same emotional responses. What they don’t always realize is that they now recognize why they are overreacting, and they regain emotional stability much faster. Understanding these stages of healing enables us to see that we are healing.

What is interesting about these stages is we can pass through them at different rates for different issues and different parts of our lives. We can be moving from stage to stage in one part of our life (how we interpret what others say as judgment on us) while in another part of our life we are stuck in stage one, completely unaware of what is going on (why being around people in bad moods rubs off on us and brings us down).

Remember, the healing process is just that, a process. Some issues are going to take more time to heal than others. When we understand the process of this healing, we will identify this healing as it is happening, which will encourage us to continue working towards our goal.

I have read a number of your articles. I love the fact that you often give tapping phrases to go along with the info, but you don’t give them in a way that I am used to seeing tapping phrases. Why don’t you use the phrase “even though I…” while tapping on the KC point and why don’t you list tapping points with the tapping phrases?

photo by anna vignet

It is important to remember the technique is called tapping/Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). Most people miss the “s” on the end of the word techniques. This is because when Gary envisioned EFT he did it as a very fluid technique. He knew that it was going to grow and change over time. I am convinced that this openness to change and growth has only strengthened EFT.

If you watch the first few volumes of the EFT DVDs you see the very quick evolution of the “short cut” basic recipe as many practitioners of EFT moved away from using the points on the hand and the 9-gamut procedure.

There is no particular wrong or right way to do EFT. There are only ways that are more or less effective for you.

To that end, when I write articles, I write them from the point of view of how I do EFT with my clients and how I do EFT on myself. When I am doing EFT I don’t use the basic recipe.

Do this mean you think the basic recipe is wrong/bad?
Not at all! I think there are a number of redeeming qualities to using the basic recipe, but I believe that it has its limitations as well.

Here is how I assess the good and the bad of the basic recipe:

Good: It is easy.
It’s easy to learn. It’s easy to remember. It’s easy to teach. You can find countless tools on-line in which you can learn the basic recipe in just one page. I still teach the basic recipe in my EFT workshops.

Bad: It can give you the misconception that the words you use matter.
Every few days I get an e-mail from someone who has made his/her way to this web site and asks, “What are the right words to use when working on [insert issue]“. The words themselves aren’t important. (I feel like I write this every week, but it is the most common question I’m asked.) Our focus is the most important factor. The fill-in-the-blank approach of the “basic recipe” can lead one to believe it’s the words that provide the healing, causing some people to get stuck coming up with the “right” words.
Good: It is very simple.
Because it is so simple anyone can do it. I have been able to teach people how to use EFT effectively with the basic recipe in under five minutes. There is one person to whom I have given less than 10 minutes of instructions. He has never read anything I or anyone else has written about EFT, and he successfully uses it everyday. He uses EFT so much I received a complaint from his wife that “he was going to bruise himself” he was tapping so much.

Bad: It can be overly simple.
Because the basic recipe is so simple people mistakenly believe that coming up with a simple phrase and tapping will take care of everything. I truly believe you can do work on any issue under the sun with the basic recipe, but EFT only works (basic recipe or otherwise) when we focus in specifically enough. Often when the basic recipe is taught most of the emphasis is placed on the tapping points and not on how to tune into a problem.

You can tap until the cows come home, but if you aren’t tuned into a specific enough issue, progress will be slow. It’s easy to believe that tapping on “this frustration” while using the basic recipe is going to take care of it. Sometimes this can be enough, but often it is not.

If you don’t use the “basic recipe”, how would describe your style?
I use a very fluid style in both my tapping and the phrases I use.

Gary himself admits that the basic recipe is tapping in a random fashion. The basic recipe only looks organized because it is arranged in a straight line on the body. In reality, each of the tapping points is associated with a different meridian. The basic recipe is taught in that way because it is easiest, not because it is the best order to tap. Theoretically you can tap in any order and produce the same result.

If we look at the history of EFT we know it is a descendant of Thought Field Therapy (TFT). It is believed that there is a very specific tapping order to achieve the best results. EFT was developed because the process of coming up with an order for each person or emotion was so cumbersome.

Knowing all of this has led me to a very specific style of tapping. Since tapping in a random fashion is effective and finding the “right” tapping order is more effective, why not (in a playful way) try and find that “better” tapping order.

To this end I trust my body to tell me where the next point to tap is. I give my right hand permission to tap wherever it feels it needs to tap next. By doing this I am tapping in an effective random order, but I also might be led by my body to the place that really does need to be tapped next to make the quickest progress. I’m not losing anything by moving away from the linear tapping of the basic recipe, but I have the real possibility of a more effective type of tapping.

I will admit at first this seemed very awkward, not knowing where to tap next, but the more I did it and the more I trusted myself the easier it became. When I tap now I get the sensation of a little light glowing on the part of the body I need to tap next. Is this really the place that
I need to tap next because it is most efficient? I have no idea. Logic dictates that there is nothing lost from trying it, but there is the possibility of gaining something.

Since this is my tapping style, I never name the place you are supposed to tap while using the phrases I provide. The place you need to tap might be different from the place that I need to tap.

I would encourage you to give this sort of tapping a try. Just trust yourself and your body. As you tap, see where you think you need to tap next, knowing that there is no wrong place to tap next. The more you do it, the more confidence you will have about where to tap next.

Why don’t you use the KC point?
As stated before, the history of EFT shows the basic protocol getting shorter with the emphasis being less on the mechanical tapping and where you tap and more on the creative ways to tune into problems.

In the same way that many EFT practitioners have found eliminating the tapping points on the fingers and the 9 gamut procedure cause little decrease in EFT’s success rate, I have found tapping on the KC point while using the “even though I…” phrases to be effective in a small percentage of clients.

When I received my initial EFT training I was told that physiological reversal (PR) is only present about 10% of the time and that tapping on the KC point (or rubbing the sore spot) is used to clear PR.

I decided that since it appears to be needed only 10% of the time that we could skip it until it’s proven that we need it. If we do a round of tapping and no progress is made, I add it. Less than 10% of the clients I work with have needed to use the KC point.

This is what works best for me.
I have found EFT is very much about personal style. If you feel comfortable and confident about what you are doing, you are more likely to do EFT more regularly. My way is not the only way or the best way. The basic recipe was created to give an easy entry point for the masses. If it works for you, great! You can take the phrases I provide and incorporate them in to your work. If you know EFT works best for you by adding “Even though I…” phrases while tapping on the KC point, then DO IT!

EFT is all about making changes for the better in our lives. Do what makes sense for you. Heal what needs to be healed in the way that makes the most sense for you.

My main messages is to be easy with yourself as you do EFT. There is no right way to do things. I know in the last two years the way I do EFT has changed radically as I have learned more about the tool set and learned more about myself.

Be playful about it. It only takes 45 seconds to try something. You can try tapping in a different order or come up with phrases in a new way. If it works, great, you have a new tool. If it doesn’t work, then you have only lost 45 seconds of your life.

One of my current favorite quotes is from Tallulah Bankhead: “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” In reality when it comes to EFT there aren’t any mistakes, only learning opportunities.

The more you experiment, the more you will expand your tool set. If it doesn’t work out you can always go back to what you know works.

Let Me Know How You Do It?
I love hearing how other people are doing new and unique things with tapping. Let me know how you do things in the comments below.

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Meet Gene Monterastelli

Gene Monterastelli is a Brooklyn based EFT practitioner who in addition to work with clients and groups regularly writes and records about how to use the tapping to move from self-sabotage to productive action.Gene's Full Bio & Services