Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My absence from this blog is beginning to get embarrassing now! lol I was excited to start this blog and, among other things, find, communicate and supporting other people including individuals. I'm still planning on doing that with this blog. It's been a difficult Fall and early Winter. I've been sick several times (pneumonia now) and I had some family problems that needed attention but I've mostly been dealing with the effects of depression. The medication I was taking seems to have run its course. It took me a little while to realize what I was feeling. I don't like dealing with depression, it irritates me that I even have it. It's silly of me to feel this way because I'm totally supportive and understanding of other people I know coping with depression. But I tend to have very high expectations of myself which I can't often reach so I tend to be disappointed with myself frequently. How stupid is that?! lol I get annoyed with myself because, try as I might, I cannot conquer it on my own with meditation or the little bit of exercise I can do which probably isn't the kind that helps alleviate depression.. Some experts say that individuals with chronic pain often struggle with depression. Possibly that's why I have it. But I think that it also runs on my mother's side of the family explains, at least partly why I have it. No one in my mother's family has bothered to get some help - they'd rather go to bed for 5 days and pull the covers over their heads! Oy. What I think bothers me the most about being depressed is it often makes it difficult for me to get things done. It helps that I know the impact feeling depressed can have on me so I can try to counteract it.The people I really admire are the people who are disabled or ill with some disease or other and yet they still appreciate life and look on the bright side of things. Everybody has bad days here and there but there are many people I've spoken to who appreciate their life and look forward to each day despite coping with health issues, chronic pain or a debilitating disease. There was a time when I looked at life this way, too. It seems, although, that as I've gotten older, things that happened during my childhood or when I was a little bit older are gnawing at me and upsetting me. It's as if the reality of life then has come to roost...but why now, I wonder? It's over and done with, there's nothing to be done about it now. It makes no sense to let things that happened in my family when I was much younger effect me now. Sure it might stink, maybe it's unfair but it is what it is. And that's also why having this depression bothers me...because I know life is what you make it and I saw many people I was related to make their life pretty miserable even while they had no major worries! I don't want to be like that. I like life and I enjoy people. But I've pulled away from everyone in my life in the last few years because of doubts about me, depression and insecurities over being disabled and ill. I'm trying to change that now. I really do believe, despite how I feel on any given day, in trying to make everyday the best. It isn't always as easy but I'm going to keep trying!!