Man Kills Facebook Friend Over Mundane, Day in the Life Comments

SEATTLE – Talbert Wilcox pleaded not guilty in a Seattle Municipal Court yesterday to charges that he killed his childhood friend, Marshall Dimmrod. Mr. Wilcox told the court that although he did kill Marshall Dimmrod, it was because Dimmrod drove him insane with “incessant, mundane, day-in-the-life Facebook comments.” Wilcox’s defense counsel told the court that because of his client’s state of extreme and intolerable irritation, Mr. Wilcox felt he either had to kill his Facebook friend or kill himself.

Outside the court room defense attorney, Eugene Robinson, said that his client is pleading not guilty because he expects the jury will find his client not guilty.

“My client has done what millions of people across the nation have contemplated for a long time. C’mon, who doesn’t have that Facebook friend who writes inanities every ten or fifteen minutes, every hour of every day, day in, day out, week after week, month after month?”

Mr. Robinson pulled papers from his briefcase.

“My client is going to be looked at as a hero by every juror in that box. He will be hailed as a savior by regular folks around the country who can’t sleep at night because some nut-bag they used to know in junior high school finally found a way to infiltrate their lives.”

Robinson dropped a heavy stack of papers on his desk.

“My client will be judged on his inability to tolerate a person that he never intended to interact with again for the rest of his life. A person that he didn’t want to know when he met him in seventh grade. You going to tell me there’s somebody in this country who doesn’t have a person like this on their Facebook page? How many people fantasize about murder after they’re forced to read the endless, mundane and trivial drivel posted by intolerable Facebook friends?”

Mr. Robinson scattered the pages he’d dropped on the table.

“These are just a partial example of Marshall Dimmrod’s Facebook comments. There are fifty pages here and they only account for a few hours of his ceaseless chirpy banter, insignificant observations and pointless revelations.”

8:05 AM: “Just had a bologna sandwich. I hope nobody finds out that I still eat bologna.”

8:08 AM: “Taping an episode of Bonanza.”

8:16 AM: “Talked with a mechanic about fixing my car yesterday.”

8:22 AM: “Going to take my son to his ‘Understanding Others and Sacrificing Yourself for Their Approval’ class.”

9:56 AM: “My bad! Just my wife with some groceries! Hope she has ice cream!”

10:17 AM: “Just took the quiz, What Superhero Are You? I’m Batman!!!!! Who are you? Take the quiz here:”

10:42 AM: “My screen door slams too hard. I should fix that.”

11:11 AM: “Does anyone know what color Farah Fawcett’s eyes were?”

11:26 AM: “My Dad told me one time that all people want someone to care about them. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.”

11:51 AM: “Just downloaded a Black Sabbath song off Itunes!!! Rock and Roll!!! Be honest….who still plays air-guitar? LOL!!!”

12:25 PM: “Been thinking about seeing Avatar. Who’s seen it? Did you like it? Was it as good as everyone is saying it is? Should I take my son, he’s 11. Don’t know if I should see it in the afternoon or at night. Let me know what you think!”

1:00 PM: “Oh oh!!! My wife just found an old letter I wrote to a girl in eighth grade! Here we go!!!!”

1:14 PM: “Just took the quiz, Who would you be if you were born in another country? Turns out I’m a farmer in Italy with a mustache!!!! Take the quiz here:”

2:00 PM: “Wondering what I would have looked like blond before I went bald. Would Nancy Johnson have talked to me then?”

2:17 PM: “My wife just left to take her Mother to the store. Time for a beer and football!!!”

2:30 PM: “Don’t know who these teams are, but they need to score more!!!”

2:37 PM: “I probably should have tried out for football in high school. What do you think? Maybe I could have been a punter”

2:51 PM: “Just took the quiz, What kind of donut are you?” Wouldn’t you know, I’m a GLAZED!!!! Take the quiz here:”

The Facebook comments continued on page after page after page.

According to the Seattle Police report, on the day of the alleged crime Talbert Wilcox drove his car into Mr. Dimmrod’s yard, ran to the front door of his house and beat on it with a baseball bat. When Mr. Dimmrod answered Talbert Wilcox pummeled him with the baseball bat in the front yard. When Dimmrod managed to run into his home, Talbert Wilcox followed and caught him in the living room. He then proceeded to stab him seventeen times before retrieving a double barrel shot-gun from his car and shooting him multiple times. When the police arrived on the scene they found Talbert Wilcox kicking what was left of Mr. Dimmrod.