An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘hormones’

So, I still don’t like me. I wont go in to it again. Same old same old.

The anti-depressants have kicked in now, so I’m feeling worse. I feel trapped in routine. I visualize everything in my head, and when I look at life, all I see is boxes. Everything seems planned. Nothing seems spontaneous, if I go here I do this, if I go there I do that if I stay home I do this…it just all seems ordered. I’d go out to fight the depression and keep my mind off it but I’ve got a really bad hacking cough that kicks off when I go outside. So I’m trapped indoors. I’ve had it for a week now and it just keeps getting worse. I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning so hopefully it’ll help. I just feel down, depressed and ugly and feel like I spend the whole day waiting. Waiting to go back to sleep, waiting to get a job, waiting for my A level results, waiting to go to uni…just waiting. If the drugs have just kicked in it means I’ve got another 1-3 weeks of this. And my monthly curse has just started…so I’m hormonal, depressed and ill. Me and my partner were going to go to the cinema today, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the energy and my cough was so bad so we stayed in. Then I felt bad because my partner’s been looking forward to seeing the film (he was more concerned about me and making sure I was OK and didn’t feel let down at all), I felt depressed it was just another day indoors, then teary.

I’ve also realized I’ve been subconsciously depressed for a while. The drugs masked it, making me feel more and more everyday like I was wearing a big smiley face mask. I realized when I didn’t care about looking after myself anymore. I couldn’t be bothered to wash my hair/put on my makeup or shave. I know these are early signs of depression, and I’ve had them for a while.

So this is me for the next week.

If I don’t write much it’s because nothing is happening. And I’m not going to fill this blog with posts about how depressed I am. So I’ll keep you posted as much as I can and if I don’t then I have nothing to say

Trying to beat anorexia without a target is a bit confusing as I don’t know where I’m supposed to be aiming. Using online weight/height/age calculators I’ve found out I need to weight approximately 10 stone (gulp) which seems a long way off since the heaviest I’ve ever been is 8 stone 5 and that was last year…I think. So my aim is to get to 10 stone at some point.

I was recommended for cognitive behavioral therapy but my first session was cancelled due to the therapist being ill and they haven’t called back. In the mean time my hormones are raging inside me and I keep crying and getting angry for no apparent reason so I’m going to the doctors on Monday (17th Oct) to see what they think is happening.