Connect

One Year Later … Shedding Light on Darkness

It has been one year and a day since I learned the results of the PCL-R that was administered for me and it has been fifteen months or so since the word ‘psychopathy’ was mentioned by my psychotherapist as a possible explanation of my personality for those areas that Borderline Personality Disorder could not fill. I agreed to take the PCL-R hoping that I’d finally learn who I was. One year (and one day) later, I still have no sense of identity. I must dig deeper and harder. Something must reside behind the curtain.

Maybe the PCL-R and my psychotherapist are correct in their assessment of psychopathy. Maybe, as illustrated by common STAT101 problems, the assessments registered a false positive. I don’t really care at this point. I am certainly more psychopathic than not (the odds of an assessment being that far off are negligible) and that pragmatism has certainly filled in some of the gaps, but there are many more to fill in. It is time that I learn to find that knowledge on my own rather than relying on others to fill it in for me. My psychotherapist and I have much work to do yet, but I want to become better educated on the mental processes of all in the hopes that I can better understand what I’m missing out on. My endeavors over the next 5-10 years could benefit others, but selfishly I want them to mostly benefit me.

And so, one year later I’ve decided to take a detour in life and add to my extensive undergraduate knowledge. I’m shooting for Bachelor’s number three as I have decided that it is time to become far more active in my pursuit of understanding the human mind (and hence, myself). I am going into psychology and plan – this time – to finally go to graduate school once my credentials are solidified.

It’s interesting. I don’t particularly believe in fate, but the twists in turns in my life had to be just so in order for this conclusion and new direction to be realized. Only education can shed light on this being of shadow and my will to seek such further education could have only manifested through the grace of Chance. If I had not transitioned, I would have never met my current psychotherapist. Had I possessed any other – more traditional – therapist, we certainly would have not discovered my psychopathic nature. And, without that discovery and the infinite number of questions that arise from reconciling my state of shadow with my intellectual and introspective nature, there would only be a future of darkness and stagnation.

One year and one day later, I have no idea where I am headed, but I know that I will be better equipped to tackle any challenges and curiosities that are thrown my way.