Friday, November 30, 2007

I didn't think there would be a new episode during Thanksgiving week, therefore I was completely unprepared and didn't take any notes. Now, I can't really remember what happened. I know they all went to Shanghai, learned some martial arts poses and did Cover Girl commercials. Heather could not get her lines right, so Jay basically had to feed them to her which annoyed the other models. She still didn't do well, so I don't know what they were whining about. Lisa and Heather found themselves in the Bottom 2, and la lovely Lisa was sent home. Well, she'll always have that Enrique Iglesias video. I'm sure that's not much consolation.

Week 10

This week marked the "go-see" portion of America's Next Top Model, which means that it will all be over soon. For those who don't know, "go-sees" are when the models "go" and "see" different fashion houses in the hopes of booking a runway show or photo shoot. Everyone was reminded repeatedly that go-sees are "all about personality," and then there were several lingering shots of Jenah and Heather looking mortified because the judges have warned them both about their personality flaws. Strange that uber-bitch, Bianca, didn't look scared.

Even stanger is that when Bianca went on her first go-see, the guy said that she was "very friendly." Ah well, modeling is all about faking it, right? Saleisha did quite well in that department, acting way too nicey-nice and giving everyone a toothache. Chantal complained about how much Saleisha kissed ass on her go-sees, but then she acted the exact same way on hers. Jenah was ecstatic when one prospect compared her to Christy Turlingon, but then any slightly negative comments just elicited from her an eye-roll and "whatever." Poor Heather got lost and only managed to get to one go-see. Then she lost her cabbie and wasted time walking around looking for it.

Every cycle, it is drilled into the models' heads that the most important thing about the go-sees is to get back to their agency on time. For some reason, no one has learned this in nine seasons of this show. Heather was just plain lost, but Jenah and Chantal thought they could squeeze in an appointment or two at the last minute. Hence, Saleisha and Bianca were the only ones to make it back on time and the other three were disqualified from the challenge. Bianca booked three clients and won the challenge. Her prize was a giant, floating billboard for the 2008 Olympics adorned with her giant head.

When the girls got to their photo shoot, they discovered that super stud, Nigel Barker, would be their photographer. They were all a bit nervous to be posing for one of the judges, and Jenah tried to compose herself by being sarcastic and annoying. That really didn't sit well with Nigel, and it obviously didn't calm Jenah's nerves either, as she struggled to get a good shot. Then, as Heather was doing her shoot, Jenah blathered on loudly in the background about how much better she would've "worked it" if she had Heather's dress. This prompted a stern warning from SexyBarker that there was "too much noise coming from the peanut gallery." How many hints do the producers think we need to know that Jenah is going to be in the Bottom 2?

At panel, each girl was judged on how well she did on the go-sees and the week's photo. Saleisha was picked first to continue on, since Nigel said she was his favorite subject to shoot. Everyone loved her picture and said that she had finally made the transition from "cute" to "edgy." Next up was Bianca, who won the challenge but sucked in the photo shoot. The judges thought her body position was great, but her facial expression looked "dead." Chantal, once again, was in the middle of the pack. She had been disqualified from the challenge, but the judges still liked her Barbie-ness.

As you should've guessed by now, Jenah and Heather were in the Bottom 2. Tyra explained that even though both girls had taken beautiful photos throughout the competition, they both had problems communicating. Heather's issues obviously stemmed from having Asperger's syndrome, and Jenah's problem was just pure arrogance. Unbelievably, fan-favorite (and my early pick to win) Heather was sent packing. I'm happy to report that she didn't cry, and I have no doubt that she will find success in modeling.

With my winner gone, let's take a look at my original predicitions for the girls who are left:Bianca - 10:1Chantal - 3:1Jenah - 10:1Saleisha - 5:1

I really don't think that Chantal will win it all. She's too generic. Jenah is a bit too similar to CariDee from two cycles ago. Bianca simply can't win because that would be like telling young girls that they need to be nasty, selfish wenches to succeed. Sure, Eva from Cycle 3 was kind of a bitch, but she straightened out and actually became likable at some point. Besides that, she was stunningly beautiful, which Bianca is not.

I think it will come down to Jenah and Saleisha, (or maybe even Chantal and Saleisha) with Saleisha walking away the winner.

Next week, the girls head to Beijing for a Great Wall shoot and...what? Bianca does something bitchy?? What a turn of events! Don't miss it! Or at least don't miss my recap.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

This week, I'm continuing this new trend of taking requests by sending this one out to my sister, Tootsie, who has been begging for a little Corey Hart action.

Obviously, the monster hit "Sunglasses at Night" wouldn't qualify as a forgotten classic, so that left me with quite a bit of thinking to do. The only other Corey Hart song that I could remember off the top of my head was "Never Surrender," which was also quite over-exposed and is probably still fairly well-known. After checking out song snippets from his "Singles" collection on Amazon.com, I was reminded of a couple other tunes that I knew by hart back in the day but had forgotten all about since then - "It Ain't Enough" and "I Am By Your Side." They're both kind of the same song, so I just chose the one with the better video. And by "better," I mean "hilarious."

"It Ain't Enough" was obviously shot on the same day as the "Sunglasses at Night" video because it's the same set, same outfit, same lighting, same everything. I'm surprised Corey remembered to sing different lyrics. Next.

The video for "I Am By Your Side" proved its post-worthiness immediately. I could probably watch the first minute and 10 seconds of this about 100 more times and still laugh every time. There aren't many things funnier than a cheesy singer attempting to play lead in his own poorly conceived concept video. The "concept" of this one goes something like this

Boy hates job. Boss yells at boy. Boy quits. Boy wanders off into the mountains. Wise old Indian dude looks on. Boy roams the land. Boy motors away to rescue his girfriend from her awful job at some kind of sweat shop. Flashbacks reveal reason boss was mad - boy played an impromptu concert on top of an oil rig. Boy and girl let it roll down the highway. Boy is by her side.

If I've missed an integral part of the storyline, please let me know.

I've always thought that Corey Hart reminded me of someone, but I could never quite put my finger on who. Now I see that he's a lot of David Duchovny, a little Michael Biehn and just a dash of Sting right around the duck bill. And when he delivers his pivotal, powerful line, "I only do a few things...much," he sounds like Emilio Estevez. Trust me. I'm an expert at celebrity voice recognition.

I know that Corey is still puttering around somewhere in Canada, eh. He wrote a song or two for Celine Dion and he probably owns a turtleneck store or something. But I really want to know what happened to the R. Lee Ermey acolyte who played his boss. He kicked ass, and had quite the impressive vocabulary. Maybe he'll make his big comeback in the next Fall Out Boy video for their yet-to-be-released hit, "We Wear Our Sunglasses at Night and Make Countless '80s References That We Don't Even Understand Since We Were All In Diapers Through Most of the Decade ('Cause We're Totally Awesome, Spicoli)."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sorry for my absence, folks. My eye has been a bit too pooped to pop lately. There was a lot of road trippin', then I fell into a tryptophan coma and woke feeling awful. I don't know what bug I caught, but it feels like a guy named Epstein Barr is filming a Mucinex commercial inside my body. That I'm even writing this tiny post is thanks to NyQuil liquicaps. That stuff is a God-send, but I'm surprised it hasn't been the subject of a very dramatic Dateline - NyQuil: Effective cold remedy for the sick...or cheap OTC roofies for sick frat boys?

Anyway, I'm hoping to be back in a blog writing and reading mood soon so I hope you'll bear with me.

I did see one thing that I wanted to mention quickly. It's about Britney, of course. Apparently, this happened at the beginning of the month but I hadn't heard about it until now. It seems that Brit parked her car in a handicapped spot while she was going for one of her tri-daily tanning sessions, which caused a big uproar (again, not big enough for me to hear) and many people labelled her lazy and insensitive. I'm actually on her side for once. I mean, if that girl isn't handicapped, I don't know who is. Let her park there. I'll bet when people with real physical handicaps start to feel a little down they think, "It could be worse...I could be Britney Spears."

I'm sure Brit doesn't consider herself handicapped though. I'm sure that's not why she parked there. I'm sure she just said, "Dag y'all, why'z thar need to be a handikept space in front of tha tannin' place? It's not like they can get thar chairs in tha beds."

Friday, November 23, 2007

It was revealed that this week's design challenge would be to create an outfit for a pop culture icon. That's right, the designers got to dress ME!!

Oh, no. I must have dreamt that. The icon wasn't me, it was SJP. Whatever.

Boy, when Sarah Jessica Parker showed up, you'd think that Jesus had just returned to Earth. Everyone near pissed themselves, especially the gays. Chris wept openly and revealed that he, along with a million other severely let-down people, moved to New York City because of Sex and the City.

Before I continue, I must do this little PSA: No one is getting that much sex in this city. You do not meet a different guy every time you turn a corner. Being over 30 and single in NYC is just as difficult as being over 30 and single in Podunk. And no one can afford to buy five pairs of $300 shoes a month and still have an awesome apartment on the Upper East Side.

I also have to say that SJP looked great. A lot of folks think she's ugly and a lot of folks think she's beautiful. I've always thought she's somewhere in between, with the ability to shift to one or the other extreme. Generally, her hairstyle is what makes or breaks her. That curly, brown bob she sported in Sex and the City's first season? Atrocious. The signature long, blonde wavy mane? Fabulous. For her appearance on PR, her hair was long, but it was a bit straighter and a golden-brown color.

Anyway, after all the sobbing and carrying on, SJP told the designers that they were to create a two-piece ensemble for her new clothing line, Bitten. Since her line is high-end sportswear at affordable prices, the challenge for the designers was to create an outfit that would retail for less than $40, which translated to only a $15 budget for materials. They all got a chance to sketch an idea and Sarah would pick her seven favorite designs. Those designers would be team leaders and each pick a teammate to help create the design. To lift everyone's spirits after dropping the budgetary bomb, SJP announced that the winning design could be sold in Steve and Barry's stores nationwide.

The teams were as follows:

Elisa (leader) and Sweet Pea - Everyone was shocked that Elisa was chosen. SJP said she thought the design was "quite ambitious" but I thought she was just following her morbid curiosity. Elisa revealed, much to Sweet Pea's horror, that she likes to "spit-mark" her clothes. Why? Because it "imbibes them with energy." Ok, we get it, producers. Elisa is weird. Kit (leader) and Chris - I thought Chris was going to jump off a bridge when he wasn't chosen as team leader, but he was happy to be teamed up with "youthful" Kit.Victorya (leader) and Kevin - SJP was interested to see how Victorya could make her "simple" design something special. Marion (leader) and Steve - The two quiet men set out to create something "sophisticated." Ricky (leader) and Jack - Ricky took a break from his incessant crying to design a "sexy" little dress.Christian (leader) and Carmen - SJP thought the design looked "complicated," and wanted to see if Christian could pull it off.Rami (leader) and Jillian - Sarah (and I) appreciated that Rami's design was created with women of all sizes in mind.

The judges called out Team Elisa and Team Victorya as the two best and Team Marion and team Christian as the worst. As you can see, Marion and Steve's dress was some kind of Pocohontas-inspired burlap sack that was just a mess. Everyone dissed Christian and Carmen's design as "too '80s." Hrrrmph. As if anything can be "too '80s." I thought it was just plain ugly.

In the end, SJP picked Victorya's design to be sold as part of her collection. Marion and Steve's design was determined the worst, and team leader Marion was auf'd. Although I certainly agree with the "worst," I'm not feeling either of the two "best." My faves were Ricky's cute little dress and Kit's sweater and leggings combo.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

So, I caught ANTM last night but missed Project Runway. I may spare you all my recap of the former, unless I'm in a giving mood tomorrow. I hope to catch PR on one of its many reruns, and then perhaps I can give you all a double dose of (semi-scripted) reality.

Now, it's time for that fall PopEye tradition where I refer you all back to my very first Thanksgiving post, A Thanksgiving PSA from Tom Turkey. Sure, it's totally dated. Yet, strangely timeless. At least in my eyes. I still think of it as my best post ever.

Ah, what a warm feeling to know that I peaked less than six months after my foray into blogging! I'm enjoying the downhill slide, and I thank you all for letting me take you down with me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to mentally and physically prepare myself for the post-Scattergories family brawl that will take place later this afternoon.

Now, can anyone give me one good reason why I should give a good rat's ass about this broad? And, by the way, the following are unacceptable answers:

1. She's rich.2. She has a sex tape.3. Bruce Jenner is her stepfather. (Let's face it - once upon a time the world may have cared about Bruce Jenner when he was an Olympic hero, but future generations will now only remember him as "the creepy old dude" from that Kardashian show on E! Seriously, he looks like he could be the newest Dick Tracy character, "Tightface.")

Suddenly, Kim Kardashian is everywhere, and I have no idea where she came from. I suspect, though, that someone got Paris Hilton wet and Kim grew from one of the little fur balls that popped out of her. Thank God they never eat after midnight. Or noon, even.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Watch out, everyone. I'm attempting to create another recurring topic. Actually, it's more of a resurrection of my long-dead feature, "What's in BeckEye's Ear," but I added download links and came up with a spiffy new title. It's not that I'm a giant Bangles fan, but I do go wild for puns and alliteration. Well, I don't think "Sonic Sunday" is really a pun on "Manic Monday." It's something...I'm just not sure what you call it.

Aaaaaanyhooo....I've been in kind of a glittery mood ever since Beth posted a song from the Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack on one of her recent Friday Mix Tapes. It reminded me of how much I love Glam Rock.Crunching guitars + pop harmonies + theatrical vocals + bombastic lyrics + androgynous swagger = Awesomeness. So, break out your platform boots and draw a fake beauty mark on your face; then download these gems and stomp along.

(Click any link to download the song. Mp3s are available for a limited time, so get 'em while they're hot!)

1. "20th Century Boy," T. Rex - Led by the Patron Saint of British Musicians, Marc Bolan, T. Rex pretty much created Glam Rock. All image and raunchiness, it was intended to be disposable fun, but it turned into a whole movement. Although they were Gods in the U.K., T. Rex's only big hit in the U.S. was "Get it On (Bang a Gong)," a song I've never liked. I forced myself to like The Power Station's cover only out of loyalty to John Taylor, but now that I'm all grown up I can drop the charade. I only discovered this song in the late '80s. but it quickly became a favorite. It's one that I never get tired of.

2. "Little Willy," Sweet - Now, a song I am sick of is Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz," which I refuse to post even if it is one of the glammest Glam Rock songs ever. "Little Willy" is a much better song. Actually, I've always preferred "Love is Like Oxygen" to both of them but, unfortunately, I don't have it. Here's what bugs me about this band - are they called Sweet or The Sweet?? I've seen both and have never found a definitive answer.

3. "Ashes to Ashes," David Bowie - Bowie was different than most of the glam musicians in that his image was glam, but his music was much more cerebral and artsy. I'd like to think that he was the only one who had sex with Mick Jagger too, but he probably wasn't.

4. "All The Way From Memphis," Mott the Hoople - Mott was never the huge success here that they were in the UK, so most of us bloody Americans only know them for the classic "All The Young Dudes." The first time I heard this song was when some crappy '80s hair metal "supergroup" covered it. I put "supergroup" in quotes because it consisted of the drummer from RATT, and some other dudes I don't know. I think there was a chick from Vixen and maybe a guy from Dokken? I don't know. Who cares. Anyway, they didn't really do anything special with their version, so why bother with it? Stick with the original.

5. "Calling Dr. Love," KISS - It's been suggested that the New York Dolls were the only true American glam band, but I think KISS fits the bill. At least pre-makeup removal KISS. I mean, they dressed up in crazy costumes, wore kabuki makeup, sang raunchy songs and put on over-the-top live shows. If all that doesn't qualify them as a glam band, I don't know what does. While it's true that Paul Stanley was the much more theatrical vocalist, I just love this Gene Simmons-sung tune. My Dad recently had a doctor named Dr. Love. I never found out if he could breathe fire or not.

6. "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)," Joan Jett - This is another example of me not having access to the song that I really wanted. In this case, it's Gary Glitter's original version. I can't find it for free and I refuse to pay for it. I'm not giving this guy any money to support his kiddie porn addiction. Joan Jett does a pretty faithful cover, and when it first came out I had no idea it wasn't her song anyway, so I can live with this.

7. "Lady Xanax," Duran Duran - The Double D were part of the "New Romantic" movement, which was heavily influenced by the British glitter scene. Aside from Nick Rhodes, none of the guys got too into wearing girly makeup and their music was a lot more artsy and synth-heavy than Glam Rock. Still, they have a few songs that I feel fall into the glam category, and this one is chief among them. This is from 2000's Pop Trash, which was absolutely panned by critics but loved by me.

8. "2HB," The Venus in Furs - This is a cover of a Roxy Music song by a fictional band featured in Velvet Goldmine. I've never liked Roxy Music or Bryan Ferry, so I much prefer this version. Plus, it reminds me of Velvet Goldmine, which is a good thing. Not because it was a good movie, because it really wasn't. But any movie where Ewan McGregor gets nekkid is worth watching - more than once.

9. "Bones," Radiohead - Okay, now don't all yell at once that Radiohead aren't "glam." I know they're not really, but Thom Yorke's voice has a very theatrical quality to it, which gives a lot of their songs a glittery sheen. (If you don't believe me, listen to "2HB," above. That's Thom on lead vocals.) On a side note, since everyone loves misheard lyrics, I'll admit that when I first heard this song I thought the simple chorus line, "When you've got to feel it in your bones" was "You've got to see my alien bones." Thom Yorke is kind of a weird guy, so I thought it made perfect sense.

10. "In The Meantime," Spacehog - Often considered a "neo-Glam" band, Spacehog is arguably one of the greatest one-hit wonders ever. I have never been able to figure out the chorus to this song, but that's never kept me from singing (or mumbling) along to it. I suppose I could Google the lyrics but I've gone this long without understanding it so I figure, why bother now?

11. "Seen The Light," Supergrass - I love these guys. They aren't really glam either, but they're British and they've got the right attitude. They certainly borrow from some glam influences. All British bands love Mott the Hoople and T. Rex. It's like royal law or something. And they really lay down the law here, because this could have easily been a T.Rex song.

12. "Wailing Wall," Vic Thrill - You may have heard me mention this band before. They're local to NYC and I've known the singer for a few years. He used to be in one of my favorite bands, The Bogmen, before going in a totally different direction with what was being called "electro-clash" at the time. Yeah, it has keyboards and computer effects, but the snarling guitar and oh-so-catchy beat put this very near glam territory. Plus, the guys were all wearing makeup and obsessing over aliens at the time, so that counts for something.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Yay! Project Runway is back! Not only am I happy because the show kicks arse, but I'm absolutely thrilled that I won't have to hear any more of those cheesy promos with the "It's sew time" tagline. Hard to believe that a bad pun-lover like me wouldn't go for that, isn't it?

For those of you (under-rock dwellers) not familiar with the show, Project Runway brings together a group of aspiring fashion designers to compete for the chance to show an original collection at New York's Fashion Week (sponsored this year by Mercedes-Benz) and win money to start and/or promote their own line. Week 1 is all about getting to know the contestants, and letting them get to know each other.

The first challenge required each contestant to create an outfit that embodied their individual design styles. After meeting up in Bryant Park with hosts, Heidi "In Between Pregnancies" Klum and Tim "Mr. Fabulous" Gunn, the designers were set loose to grab as much fabric as they could from three tents.

Here's a peek at this season's designers and what they chose to create as a "signature" garment:

Carmen, 37 - This model-turned-designer is the co-founder of the Sistahs of Harlem clothing line. She also reminds me of Joan Armatrading. Her design looked like something a modern-day genie with a thing for huge scarves would wear. I thought it was really interesting, and I loved the metallic and autumnal colors represented. My Grade: B

Chris, 44 - One of my favorites so far, this flamboyant funny guy has designed outrageous costumes for Madonna, Cirque du Soleil and a variety of stage shows. He looks a bit like a chubbier version of Ricky Gervais, and he's got a great personality. Chris created a silky, flowing gown in a gorgeous eggplant color. The top fabric was a green and purple print that wrapped around the neck halter style, with a lot of excess fabric tied in the back. It had that touch of pizazz that Chris obviously likes, but was still very elegant. My Grade: A-

Christian, 21 - The early front-runner to take the "most obnoxious designer" crown. He looks like your typical art school know-it-all punk. I was watching the show with my roommate and his friend (both gay) and they agreed with my assessment that Christian might be trying too hard to prove his gayness. Actually, they just rolled their eyes and snarled, "Queen" every time he was on-screen. Still, we all had to begrudgingly admit that Queen Christian's ensemble was strangely cool. It was certainly nothing I'd ever wear, but I could see it featured in a Vogue spread. My Grade: C

Elisa, 42 - As you might expect from someone who creates giant marionettes, Elisa is kind of a weird one. She's got the whole Schizo Earth Mother thing going on. I could totally see her designing clothes for someone like Bjork. The dress she created was a beautiful aqua/turquoise color and had a pretty shape, but then she went crazy and added multi-colored, tattered remnants on to the back as a train that her model couldn't quite walk with. The addition of green boots made the whole thing a little too Stevie Nicks. (I love Stevie, just not her clothes.) My Grade: D

Jack, 38 - A swimmer and model, Jack graduated from Parsons School of Design and opened a menswear store in - where else - the West Village. Jack has an unbelievable body, but I don't know what he did to his face. It looks like he spent too much time in the tanning bed and may have made a few too many trips to the Botox doc. (Don't let this small pic fool you. He's a Monet.) He seems like a nice guy though, and I liked his design. He created a cute little cocktail dress in a black and white print with blue accents. The color scheme was hot and the dress was constructed very well. My Grade: A

Jillian, 26 - A Long Islander who seems to be just another typical New York fashionista who will eventually get on my nerves. According to her bio, her "fashion must" is a sweater dress (ideally with pockets hidden in the side seams) worn with opaque colored tights. Gee, you don't see that every day walking through Midtown. Sorry, I just don't see her bringing anything original to the competition. Her design was nice enough, but it was just your average red cocktail dress. Nothing exciting. My Grade: C

Kevin, 30 - Kevin is the managing partner and head designer of two labels, one of which (KJEANS) was featured in the Victoria's Secret catalog. He mentioned on the show that there are a lot more straight male designers than people think, yet I'm fairly certain that he is the only straight guy in the competition. His design certainly looked like it was created by a straight guy, so he needs to find his inner gay soon. The dress could only be described as Maid Marion-meets-Lita Ford. Not great. My Grade: D

Kit, 26 - The creator of L.A.-based fashion line, Kit Pistol, this girl seems to be the female version of last season's champ, Jeffrey. Well, she's bringing the "rocker" attitude but whether she can win the whole shebang or, more importantly, make someone's mother cry, remains to be seen. I didn't like her outfit at all. It was a lightly printed, black, strapless, knee-length dress with some kind of awful one-shoulder, puffed-sleeve, cropped, red and black print jacket on top. Even Maid Lita Ford wouldn't have worn that mess. My Grade: F

Marion, 39 - No Maid here; this Marion's a dude. He owns a small boutique in Dallas, TX and his fashions have been used for editorial spreads in magazines like Bazaar and Cosmopolitan. He says his "fashion must" is thin, stretch suspenders, so you would think he has kind of a retro style. Judging by last night, you would be wrong. His dress was atrocious. It could've only worked on Lily Munster. My Grade: F

Rami, 31 - After moving to the U.S. from Jerusalem as a teenager, Rami attended, but never graduated from, design school and later learned pattern-making on his own. His designs have been sold in high-end stores in the U.S. and Europe and he has dressed celebs like Jessica Alba, Tyra Banks and a couple of Firecrotches. He created a very pretty, heavily draped dress in a dark gray fabric. Everyone loved his design and he emerged the first challenge winner. My Grade: A

Ricky, 35 - A lingerie designer with a seemingly endless array of weird hats, Ricky started his own label in 2004. His designs can be found in Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom and specialty lingerie stores throughout the U.S. Predictably, his challenge design was inspired by his experience with lingerie, but it came out looking rather blah. It was just a black metallic baby-doll dress that looked a bit like a costume. My Grade: D

Simone, 32 - Simone is another Parsons graduate who designs her own collection of women's wear created from organic products. I won't spend too much time on her because she was "Auf'd" last night. Her dress really did look like something that I could make, and I'm actually afraid of sewing machines. My Grade: F

Steven, 30 - Steven is a kind of quiet, nerdy guy but he seems to know what looks good on women. His design was a sleek, black coat-dress with a deep V-neck and turned-up collar, paired with a bright red scarf. Trés chic. Don't underestimate the nerd! My Grade: A

Sweet P, 46 - Half hippie/half biker, Sweet P most recently designed sleepwear before deciding that wasn't what she was interested in. Strangely enough, her design looked rather nightgown-esque. I liked the gold and red color scheme, but I wasn't too wild about the cut of the dress. It was one of those sack dresses that becomes a little more tapered near the bottom. I don't understand why this look is so popular now, especially with skinny girls who have nothing to hide. I think that style makes everyone look bigger. My Grade: C

Victorya, 34 - Born in Korea and raised in Virginia, Victorya worked as a journalist in Europe before moving to New York. She runs her own line of women's wear and has a very classic style with a bit of edge to it. Her design was a cool, modern take on the little black dress, accessorized with a large, metallic "flower." I'm not one for big brooches, pins, flowers and such, so this wasn't really for me, but I liked the overall design of the dress. My Grade: B

Since I already told you who won and who lost, I don't have to talk about the judges right now. It's a good thing, too, because I'm too tired to give Nina Garcia the proper barbs that she so greatly deserves. I'm coming for you next week, Nina.

Auf wiedersehen! (Just try to sue me, Heidi. You own those words about as much as Paris Hilton owns "That's hot.")

Last night, on America's Top Model, the girls said words while I half-listened and waited for the new season of Project Runway to start! It would be a two-hour wait, so I settled in with some pizza and made enough mental notes to write a half-assed recap of ANTM.

Benny Ninja visited the modelettes again and took them to the Fashion Institute of Something Something for the week's challenge. It just so happened that the same night of Project Runway's debut, the ANTM challenge involved fledgling designers and a runway show! Oh, those smarty-pants TV programming execs. All the girls were paired up with design students, who were to create outfits for each "muse" based on their individual personalities. Then, each girl modeled their outfits on the runway, stopping to tell the crowd how they inspired them. Saleisha and Jenah rose to the occasion, while Heather and Lisa floundered. Saleisha won the challenge and the honor of doing a photo shoot for Seventeen, while Heather got all emo after getting her first bad critique.

Upon arriving home, Heather "called" the shower, not realizing that "calling" anything is the surest way to not get it. When Saleisha and Lisa got in the shower first, Heather stripped down and stormed the bathroom like Norman Bates. Instead of just laughing it off and letting Heather have her "bad day," the other girls made sure she got into a huge lather by picking on her even more. The whole "Heather unravels" segment of the show dragged on much too long, especially considering that all of America knows that the girl has Asperger's, a form of autism. Hey, look! The autistic girl is having trouble adjusting to a social situation! Let's all point and laugh!

Heather took her foul mood with her to the photo shoot, the theme of which was "I was driving through the desert in my sweet sports car; it spontaneously combusted and now I'm stranded, pissed and thirsty but I still look fierce." (Yeah, they're almost out of ideas.) Golden girl Jenah did well yet again, as Chantal and Bianca re-discovered their inner divas and turned in great photos. Meanwhile, Lisa and Ambreal joined Heather at the bottom of the pack.

Before elimination, Tyra announced to the girls that they would be going to China next week. All but one, of course. The producers were obviously looking for more ways to up the cattiness factor of the show, because that was a dick move. Usually, the cast trip isn't announced until the beginning of an episode, so that all of the remaining contestants get to go. This was like rubbing the cast-off's nose in the reward she wouldn't be getting.

At judging, Heather narrowly escaped being in the Bottom 2, but everyone knew that she wasn't going anywhere. One bad photo and a tirade weren't going to undo all the good pics she had taken up to that point. It came down to Lisa and Ambreal and, not surprisingly, Ambreal was finally let go after enjoying her two-week stay of execution.

Next week is Thanksgiving, so I'm sure you'll all be giving thanks that there will be no ANTM post from me!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

This week's video is going out to Moxie, who wrote me to request a T'Pau video. Any T'Pau video. She gave me the option. Hmmm. Well, after an exhaustive search through T'Pau's extensive catalog, I've finally narrowed it down.

Sorry, Moxie. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. But I am laughing at T'Pau.

I considered abandoning the obvious and going with "China in Your Hand," but I hate that song and it hardly qualifies as a classic. So, that leaves me with the monster hit from 1987, "Heart and Soul."

If any of you other fine folks out there have requests for the weekly vid, you can email them to me via the link in my profile.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Since Jacko went wacko, Hollywood moms have been desperately seeking a new eccentric "father figure" to entertain their children while they're off shopping and getting botox. Enter pouty-lipped, one-note British actor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers!

What mom, after taking one look at that tweaked-out, icy stare, wouldn't gladly drop her child off on his party boat?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

This is usually the time when I dish about what happened on America's Next Top Model this week, try to make a few lame puns and try to pretend not to care that no one's reading. However, I was kind of disgusted by the outcome of last night's show, so I'm just gonna gloss over the details of the show and then bitch for a little bit.

All of the girls forgot that last week was a clip show and talked about Ebony's "shocking" decision to leave like it just happened. Since Ebony saved her from being rightfully eliminated, Ambreal was painted as the new underdog, ensuring that she wouldn't be going anywhere this week. Chantal blathered on about how pretty she is (I don't see it) and how much natural talent she has (still don't see it), further solidifying her role as Barbie of the house. Bianca continued to hate everyone for a variety of no-good reasons, further solidifying her role as Bitch of the house. Actually, she nearly morphed into Jan Brady at one point with all of her sour grapes whining. She just substituted "Heather, Heather, Heather" for "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha."

Enrique Iglesias showed up and tricked the girls into playing a game of "Find the Mole." As you can imagine, there were no winners. Then, he let them all slinkily dance around in the new video for his shoddy cover of Ringside's "Tired of Being Sorry." The girls learned their all-important video vixen moves from Tyra, who repeatedly scolds girls when they look "too hoochie" in their photo shoots. Don't worry, folks. The contradictions don't end here.

There were no photos this week, so judging was supposedly based on the girls' performances in the video. I say "supposedly" because, if they were going by the video, either Chantal, Ambreal or Bianca should have been out. But, since every season needs a Barbie, a bitch and an underdog, when Chantal and Sarah found themselves in the Bottom 2, I knew my girl Sarah was getting the boot.

Yes, Sarah was my favorite, but that's not the main reason her elimination irks me. It's more about the judges sorry attempts to justify their decision and Tyra's cowardice and conformity. Over the last few weeks, the judges have harped on the fact that Sarah, the "plus size model," has been losing weight. Sarah hasn't felt like she's lost any weight since the show began, and she hasn't been actively trying to lose any, so she's always seemed a bit baffled when met with this criticism at panel - especially considering that her pictures are always fantastic and she's arguably the most beautiful girl of the bunch.

This week, they really laid it on thick - especially Nigel, who became unattractive to me for the first time. First, he told Sarah that she looked uncomfortable with her mostly see-through ensemble in the video; the inference was that, being so scantily-clad, she must have felt fat next to all the other girls. (Read: Whatsamatta, fatty?) Then, Nigel commented on Sarah's alleged weight loss again, complaining that since she was cast as the plus size model, once she loses her "niche," she just can't compete with the twig-ettes. (Read: Eat up, skinny!) That poor girl must have felt like she was in the Twilight Zone.

Tyra, who still models and has a successful career, bought into this load despite the fact that she herself has gained quite a bit of weight over the years and has even cried about it on her talk show. She told Sarah that, in the modeling industry, girls are either plus-size or super-skinny. There's no in-between, and that's that. Lame. Doesn't Tyra always yap about how she started this show to help girls pursue modeling who may not have had a chance to do it otherwise? Isn't she always talking about shaking things up, keeping things fresh, and finding the next "hot, new look?" She certainly has the power and status to start a trend if she so desires. Why doesn't she take a chance? She could help to give real women a place in the industry but, instead, she just caves in to the status quo.

And come on - why is the prospect of a "normal size" model really that outlandish?? If you took a random sample of women around the world, how many of them do you think would be super-skinny or plus-size? How many of them do you think would fall somewhere in the middle? Do I need to draw Tyra a damn bell curve?

Apparently, what it comes down to is that no designer wants to dress Jane Average. I guess this is why I can't find a damn pair of jeans that fit when I go to the store. There are always a ton of size 2s and a bunch of size 18s and nothing in the middle. Whoever said "the majority rules" sure as hell didn't work in the fashion industry.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

This week's video probably would've been a good one to post on Halloween but I...uh...forgot all about it, making it an even more perfect entry in my vault of Forgotten Classics! I give you "Stay" by Shakespear's Sister. (They spell Big Bill's name incorrectly, not me.)

This song was the only U.S. hit for Shakespear's Sister, and it actually got quite a bit of play on MTV. It's an odd song with an even odder video, centering around the two gals in the group fighting over a guy. Of course, it's not that simple...the guy is on his way out and one of the girls vying for his attention is actually the Angel of Death. That's ex-Bananarama babe, Siobhan Fahey, as the possibly epileptic, definitely freaky reaper.

I never knew who the other "Sister" was until I looked it up today. Her stage name is Marcella Detroit but, earlier in her career, she went by her birth name, Marcy Levy. I knew that name sounded familiar and, sure enough, it turns out that I do know her. She co-wrote and sang with Eric Clapton on one of my favorite songs, "The Core!" She was actually a band member and writing partner of Clapton's for many years.

Yay...I love when I unexpectedly make musical connections like this. Thank God for YouTube, Allmusic.com and liner notes!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I'm sure everyone has heard the rumors by now that cyclist/superhero, Lance Armstrong, is dating The Nightmare Before Christmas star, Jack Skellington.

Woops...misinformation. He's actually dating ex-Full House star, Ashley Olsen. Sorry, I always get those two confused.

I have no problem with May/December romances, but come on, now!What is she, 12?Pounds?

This isn't nearly as disgusting as the supposed Paris Hilton/Kid Rock pairing, but it's still kind of gross. I think I'd prefer that the Lance Armstrong/Matthew McConaughey/Jake Gyllenhall three-way rumors were true, even though I'm so over losing hot men to the other team. Then again, McConaughey is the only one of that trio who really does anything for me. And he smokes a lot of weed, so I could just imagine that he's "experimenting" if those tales do turn out to be true.

Speaking of Matthew, his 38th birthday was on Sunday. He is still looking alright, alright, alright. So, happy belated, Matthew. If there is anything that I can do to help put those gay rumors to rest, please give me a call.

Cool Cats

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Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.