Metro sex column: I’m nearly 30 and I’ve never had a girlfriend

This week Metro’s sex and relationship experts help a man who has never had a girlfriend.

Our Metro experts help a 30-year-old man who’s never had a girlfriend

I’m nearly 30 and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I tend to obsess over girls, tell them how I feel and get rejected. I’ve had years of therapy for self-hatred, low self-esteem and depression. I’m tired of feeling like a failure, paying for sex and being angry at other people’s happiness. The intensity of my anger scares me. I’m trying to expand my social circle and meet a girl but I feel as though there is something fundamental I am missing in my approach, or in myself, that dooms me to failure. Do you have any advice that doesn’t include the phrase ‘just relax and be yourself’?

If you’re after straight-up advice rather than the clichéd stuff, then Rupert Smith is your man. ‘I certainly won’t say “relax and be yourself” because the self you are at the moment is not ready for a relationship,’ he says. ‘Thirty is still young and a time in a man’s life when he starts to figure out what’s been messing him up in the past. And if you continue to judge yourself by your lack of a girlfriend, you’re going to feel more of a failure.’

Jenny Ainslie-Turner says your perception of yourself comes across tenfold. ‘Desperation has a scent all of its own and girls can smell it a mile off.’In short: you won’t get a girlfriend until you are a happier person.

Dr Cecilia d’Felice says you need to get rid of everything that reminds you of this desperation: ‘Get rid of your call girls. Now get into yourself. Find out what makes you tick – and I can assure you it’s not only women.’ Spend time with friends and make new ones. ‘Take up new activities and travel more,’ she says. ‘See yourself from another perspective: one where you are not inadequate but engaged with life.’

It’s easy to get locked into thoughts and obsessions, so change the channel. ‘As these thoughts boom around your head, they amplify themselves, drowning out the sounds of everything outside,’ says James McConnachie. ‘You need to tune into the reality outside your own head – most men only tell a woman how they feel when they’re pretty sure she feels the same. Do you imagine your love confession will charm a girl into loving you? It won’t.’

If you don’t think you can switch on your antennae alone, then consider behavioural therapy. It challenges the reality of your imagination and helps break the cycle of obsessive thoughts, including anger.

The relationship you desire will only happen once you’ve made yourself the priority (sorry, but we couldn’t finish without one cliché).

The panel Chat-line girl Jenny Ainslie-Turner has written several books on the subject and runs http://www.jennyainslieturner.com. She takes 60 calls a day from men.James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides, £12.99), which is more of a switched-on study than a hands-on manual. He is married with two children.Psychologist Dr Cecilia d’Felice is a relationship consultant for Match.com and the author of self-help tome Twenty One Days To A New You (Orion, £7.99).Rupert Smith has written over a dozen novels, including Man’s World (Arcadia, £11.99), and thrillers and romances under the names James Lear and Rupert James.

Email your relationship problems to features@ukmetro.co.uk, with ‘advice’ in the subject line.