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Priceless Flower STOLEN

Earlier this week, CNN assumed a tragic doodie: reporting the theft of the rare Nymphaea thermarum, or as I like to call it, a fucking flower.

The African water lily actually went extinct circa 2008, much to the chagrin of about 6-7 people. But experts at the Royal Botanic Gardens in Kew discovered the pesky plant only grows in warm mud! Yum. According to the Kew Gardens’ website, it “has always been so rare that no uses have ever been known”. That didn’t stop one lonely botanist from playing with poop cultivating warm mud for years to bring the lily back to life.

Unfortunately, an evil mastermind plucked the plant from its goopy digs in an act of sheer sin. Quelle horreur!

This obviously led to musings about what the villain’s motivations etc were. Let’s call our villain Thief Keef.

- It was a crime of passion: Thief Keef killed it upon exiting (maniacally laughing).

- Thief went to the Gardens inebriated: “Dude, what if I stole this fucking flower?”

- Thief went to the Gardens sober: “Dude, what if I stole this fucking flower?”

- Thief is romantic, and thought only the rarest flower in the world could appease his or her rare flower. <3

- Thief is actually an evil genius and plans to breed these plants into snapping death traps. “DEEDEE! GET OUT OF MY LEETLE SHOP OF HORRORS!!!”

It looks like the public may never know, because Thief Keef unsurprisingly got away. Police are scrambling, trying desperately to find the goodfanuthin Keef.