Alpha Kids

Over the past few columns, we’ve looked at Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based development model. It’s an extensive concept with many avenues to explore. We’ll look at three final facets: alpha kids, counterwill, and bullies. An alpha complex is when a child takes on the dominant role in the parent/child hierarchy. Counterwill is the instinctive reaction of a child to resist being controlled. Bullies are made when a child becomes stuck in alpha and hardens his heart against his own vulnerability. These misalignments result in difficult and exasperating behaviour that is often misunderstood and misidentified by parents, and teachers, who resort to trying to change behaviour instead of addressing the root causes. This week we’ll start with alpha kids.

Neufeld explains that alpha instincts are natural and beneficial when used to nourish attachment. Remember holding your newborn for the first time? You wanted to protect and care for that fragile little baby nestled in your hands. That’s the alpha instinct. Alpha means knowingly and proactively providing for the physical and emotional needs of another. The alpha instinct works in partnership with dependency. Neufeld explains, “When children are in the dependent position they want to belong to us, obey, cooperate, express their needs, feel safe. When they look for guidance we provide values.” An alpha is someone who recognizes when someone is weaker, unsure, or insecure - someone in a dependent position. A mature alpha sees this vulnerability and steps into a care-taking role. An immature alpha sees the same vulnerability and decides dominate the other person and exploit the situation.

When a child feels the adults in their lives are unable or unwilling to care, protect, and provide for them physically and emotionally, they believe they have no choice but to take control - even though they don’t have the maturity to do so. They loose their trust in the adults and hide their vulnerability and insecurity. They become hard-to-please bosses of the family. Not because they want power, but because they they have lost their faith in being taken care of. Paradoxically, they are full of both resistance and anxiety. For a child to become the alpha is a sign of anguish and despair. Neufeld cautions, “When a child feels in charge of orchestrating their care-taking the biggest mistake we could make is to confuse this display of strength with maturity or independence. It simply is not so, it is an act of desperation and the need to bring this child to rest in the care of others is great.” Don’t be deceived by the bravado. An alpha child is desperate child.

To reset the natural hierarchy, parents need to get back in the lead. You have to demonstrate that it is safe to rely on you. Start by rediscovering your own alpha stance. Deborah Mac Namara, a Neufeld Institute instructor, states, “Finding the place inside of you that wants to take care of them, sees yourself as being strong enough, and able to take care of them is a must. While there will be times a child gets very frustrated because you won’t give in to their demands, the feeling of being too much or overwhelming for their caretakers will only reinforce their alpha stance.” Mac Namara offers these other suggestions as well. Invite dependence and take the lead. Design situations where they must depend on you, such as hiking where only you know the trail, even if that means scouting out the route before hand.Try to outmaneuver their demands by trumping them. For example, if an alpha child demands you dress them (despite being able to do it herself), say you were just about to do this for her or how much you love getting her dressed and that everyone just needs to feel taken care of sometimes. Avoid negotiating with alpha children or consulting with them on matters regarding their care. Know when your child is hungry and feed her before she asks. See when he is tired and put him to bed. Additionally, avoid burdening your child with adult worries and fears. Your child is not your care-taker, lean on other adults when life gets difficult. Finally, don’t give up hope. Hold tight to the love you have for your child and let that love lead you in reclaiming your belief in yourself.You can care, protect, and provide for your child better than he can do these things for himself and better than anyone else.

More information, including how to register for the parenting conference April 13-14, at https://neufeldinstitute.org/ Zainab Dhanani can be reached at z_dhanani@yahoo.ca.