Foster care and adoption; toddlers to young adults; it's all here-- faith and humor meet as this mom of four chronicles the joy and heartbreak of motherhood.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

March, 2009 Different things for different people

Different things for different
people

When
our foster daughter, Teenaisa, came to live with us for the third time, just over a
year ago, at age six, she immediately took notice of everything about our
daughter, Jamie, who was four at the time. While Bill and I recognized we
needed to quickly get Teenaisa up to speed with Jamie in terms of a wardrobe and a
basic supply of toys, it quickly became obvious Teenasia was comparing everything
about herself and her new place in the family with Jamie.

If
Jamie had a skirt on, Teenasia wanted to wear a skirt. If Jamie was coloring, Teenasia needed
to color too. If I lifted up Jamie in church, Teenasia put up her arms for Bill to
hold her. For the first month or so, we acquiesced, trying to be as fair as
possible; trying to demonstrate to T that she was just as much our daughter as
Jamie; that she was loved just as much. Mindful of the terrible situation T was
pulled from, we recognized that the task of helping Teenasia to believe she was loved,
cherished and worthwhile was one that would likely to take years, but would
begin with her being able to simply understand that within our family, she was
equal to little Jamie.

Except
that in a family, things are never really equal. Someone is going to get the
biggest scoop of ice cream that night for dessert; someone else is going to
clean more than their share of the basement that week; someone is going to get
invited to two birthday parties in one weekend, while someone else doesn’t get
invited to even one. And as Bill and I lived through that first exhausting
month of Teenasia’s re-entry into our family (she had lived with us twice before), we
admitted that we could not make things fair for her, and that in many ways, our
effort to do this was a disservice. Instead, we came upon the phrase,
“Different things for different people.”

We
decided that it was enough for us, as parents, to know that we loved all four
of the children and our intention was to be just with them. It was our
responsibility not necessarily to make all things equal, but rather, to teach
Teenasia—and the other three, too—that life in a family may not always be fair moment
by moment, but that each child will be loved and taken care of.“Different things for different people,”
became our mantra. Those first few months, we sometimes said it six times a
day. We used it at times when Jamie had something Teenasia wanted, but also at times
when we wanted Teenasia to recognize that she had a privilege that Jamie did not.

Jamie
gets to go shopping with Mom. Teenasia is staying home with Dad. Different things for different people. Now, Jamie is going to take
a nap, but Teenasia doesn’t need to because she’s not tired. Different things for different people. Jamie is wearing a bow. Teenasia is
wearing sparkly socks. Different things
for different people.

It
was tedious yet exhilarating at the same time. Different things for different people, states something so obvious
that it is tiresome to even say it out loud. On the other hand, the phrase gets
to the root of some of our most profound problems and struggles as human
beings.

Different things for different people
can speak to every one of us who has ever wished for something we don’t have.

Substitute
“car” for ox, and “paycheck” for donkey and you’ve brought the commandment right
into the present. I can almost see God shaking His head at Moses and the
Israelites as he hands them the tablets.

“Remember,
as you read these: No coveting or
stealing. Different things for different people.”

Now,
about 14 months into Teenasia’s stay with us, we need to use the phrase less and less
frequently. Sometimes, T will even use it herself when she feels it coming in a
conversation. Other times, Bill or I will use it with one of the boys.

“Did
you know his family has cable and a
pool table and a Wii, plus he has an
iTouch?”

“Oh,
I didn’t know that. Different things for different people.”

We
still have far to go with Teenasia before her heart is completely healed; before she
feels whole. Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever get there. But other times, I recognize
that Teenasia is on the same journey to healing and wholeness that all of us are on.
She, like the rest of us, must spend her life discovering the path that God has
chosen for her. And the more she embraces her own path; her own call, the more
she will find peace.

Different things for different people.
Don’t covet or steal. They both mean the same thing. Be present to your own
life. Live as you are.

About Me

Annemarie writes locally and nationally on foster care, adoption, parenting and spirituality. She is responsible for the content in At Home with Our Faith (circulation 80,000), which has won the First Place award in its category from the Associated Church Press for three consecutive years. Her Training Wheels column has appeared in the Milwaukee Catholic Herald since 2002 and most of these blogs appeared first in her Training Wheels column or as a chapter of her book, Discovering Motherhood (Ambassador Press, 2006). She is married to Bill, with four children (two biological, two adopted), and works in a job-share position at Johnson Controls as director of Corporate Programs in Diversity and Public Affairs.