Bonds to return tonight, confirms he’s half tortoise

The Giants announced Barry Bonds and his ever frightening reptile-sloth-like
bowling ball head will return tonight against the Cubs at Wrigley. Following the announcement, reporters approached Bonds at his locker
for comment as he began removing strange armor from his body, in
addition to the giant satellite dish he already wears around his elbow. Stunned reporters began buzzing as to what it could be.

"It’s a shell, alright!" a cantankerous Bonds shouted. "It’s a god damn
tortoise shell! Don’t you see this head of mine? Hasn’t it been obvious
to you guys I’m half-tortoise? Now get out!"

Things got even uglier minutes later when Bonds’ shell was mistakenly used as a serving dish for a giant platter of nachos.