Ali G Rezurection (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

Farm

[snap]
Everything cook 'n' curry, a'ight?
The sea ain't just the
place where plops go
when you flush them down the bog.
It is also home to the
three main kinds of fish
dolphins, the fillet of fish,
and the fittest fish of all
mermaids. Phwoarr.
The tragedy of these simple sea bitches
is that very few of
them has got a punani.
So if you wants to bone them,
you has to stick it in their gills
or just jizz on their swingers.
Check out me show.
West side.
1x10 - Farm
Keep it real.
Booyakasha. Check this out.
The helection in America
is a well himportant thing,
so you better understand
the politics of it.
That's why I's here with
none other than my main man,
Mr. Patrick Buchanan.
So you better listen up and recognize.
Sir, how long was you president for?
- Zero, I didn't make it. I failed.
- What?
Ain't that the problem, if
you have a helection every
however many years, if someone
don't tell the whole truth,
you's got him for,
like, four years, innit?
If the people make a mistake,
they have to live with it for four years
or they get their Congress
to throw the president out.
But sometimes people lie to get in,
like when me went for me introview
for McDonald's in Staines,
me said that me would work well hard,
but the moment me got in there,
me was eating, like,
15 McChicken sandwiches a day
and selling a little bit a little bit
of McGanja on the side.
And them only chucked
me out when them found me
wearing the Ronald McDonald
costume bonin' me Julie in the bogs.
All right.
Here's what you do, though.
When you're there,
then, your organization
has rules whereby
they can throw you out.
A'ight.
We have rules whereby you
can throw out the president.
Does you tink that religion
should be taught in schools?
Uh, if it's voluntary, yes.
If it's mandatory, no.
Does you tink there's a way for people
to make the way them teach
religion more interesting?
Yes.
- The movie "The Passion of the Christ"
- A'ight.
is a very effective
teaching tool, I think.
I heard that it ain't as
good as "Lethal Weapon 3."
No, I think it's slightly
better than "Lethal Weapon 3."
Ain't it basically
a rip-off of "Gladiator"?
- No, it's not at all.
- But it's like that kind of thing, innit?
No, no, it's about the death
and crucifixion of Christ.
Ain't you scared, though, that
'cause it's made so much cash,
them will just make a sequel
and it won't be as good? Like, you know,
- have the bloke come back to life, whatever?
- Probably.
What else is the helection
gonna be fought on this year?
It'll probably be about Iraq.
Does you fink Saddams
ever was able to make these
weapons of mass destruction
or, as they is called, BLTs?
- The was Saddam able to make them?
- Could he make BLTs?
Yes, at one time, he was
using BLTs on the Kurds.
Was it worth fighting a war over BLTs?
I don't think Saddam Hussein
and Iraq were a threat
to the United States, even
if they had WMDs or BLTs,
as long as they weren't nuclear weapons.
If you had the hevidence Saddam
had these BLTs in his house,
would you have said, "Yes, attack"?
Not unless he had if he had anthrax,
if he had mustard gas
if he had mustard gas, no.
Let's say he didn't have mustard
and the BLTs was just plain.
Would you have been able
to go in there, then?
No.
Is it ever worth fighting
a war over sandwiches?
Is it ever worth fighting a war?
Yes.
If you becomes president
again, what will you do?
I would change the whole
country dramatically,
and that's why I'm
not gonna be president.
Yo yo, for real.
I was feeling that, man. Yo.
Yo, is you mashed or something?
You is, like, so giggly.
- Well, I'm
- You had a little puff before?
No yeah, a little puff before, sure.
Respect. Yo.
He needs a bit of
some of me own imports.
We'll talk business after.
Yakshemesh.
Democracy is very different
in U S and A from Kazakhstan.
In America, woman can
vote, but horse cannot!
I go to help a Republican
Party candidate win election.
Jankooey.
Uh, hello. Thank you to speak me.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you for letting me come on.
Do you have policies?
One of my main policies
is that I'm pro-life.
- Yes.
- I believe human life should be protected.
I feel very strong about this
because in Kazakhstan, my brother Bilo,
he have a child, uh, born with hair
all over face and nose.
On arms, hair.
Everywhere hair.
And his wife say, "Throw him."
And I say, "No, keep him."
And now he make them very much money
and he travel around
the country in a tent.
People pay money to
see children like him
and other strange ones.
Hmm, well, I'm glad that
the choice was made for life.
Yes, in Kazakhstan, we like the family,
but there are now some men
who pretend to be married
but in secret, they do
bang-bang-bang in other men anus.
- What you call them here?
- Uh, we call it "homosexual."
So, which is the party
of the homosexuals?
They tend to go to the Democratic Party.
- What else, your policy?
- Well, I'm a Christian.
- I've been a Christian since
- Nice, I like.
I was about eight years old, I guess.
I want to go to this place
h-heaven?
Uh, which religion must
I choose to go there?
The Christian Bible
says that Jesus Christ
is the only way to heaven.
If people choose the Jews,
will they go heaven or hell?
Hmm, well
um, I would have to say
that they would go to hell.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'm James Broadwater.
I'm running for United
States Congress in District 2.
Is your husband at home?
Uh, we want to speak to
somebody who can vote.
That's it, just me.
You can vote?
But you are a woman.
- All women can vote.
- Oh.
- I wouldn't like it if I couldn't vote.
- Yes, why?
'Cause I feel like I'm equal with a man.
I don't want a man
deciding what's best for me.
But a woman not equal to a man!
No, in Kazakhstan, we say God, man,
a horse, a dog, then a woman,
then a rat, and then a smaller
kartuli, like a little
Yes?
I'm running for United
States Congress in District 2.
He is a strong man.
He will crush his opponents.
And he will be powerful like Stalin
and not tolerate people who are bad.
Mm.
Well, actually, I wouldn't
compare myself to Stalin, but
- Will you vote for my friend?
- Well, I probably will,
but I don't ever tell people who
I'm gonna vote for before I vote.
If you do not vote for him,
he will take power.
Hmm, well, it depends on whether
he gets enough votes or not.
If you vote for him, he will make sure
that you and your family
will have a very good years.
But if you do not vote
for him, you will be sorry.
- Okay, I hear you.
- Yes?
- I hear what you said.
- I will not leave until you swear
on the eyes of your child
that you will vote for him.
See, we don't do that.
We don't
that's not the way we
do things in America.
Do you have any particular
points on which you're running?
People in Mississippi, on average,
pay 31% of their income
in taxes every year.
And I think we can do a whole
lot better than that, you know?
- That would be nice.
- I think it would be good for all of us.
- Yeah.
- I sorry to interrupt politic.
Please, is possible make a
shit your house immediately?
Very urgent. I have problem, please?
Excuse me?
Is it possible make
a shit your house now?
- I have prob
- You wanna use the restroom?
Yes, please, urgent. I have
thank you.
I thought we wouldn't
stay long in Mississippi,
but it's been a pretty nice place.
Right. Well, great.
- Great success.
- Good.
I believe family is very important.
Mr. Broadwater, do not
have never, been ever
with a man, is correct?
That's correct.
And never ever, even as a child
or experiment with lady boy?
Nothing? Is true, yes?
- Yes.
- I not lie.
We say in Kazakhstan,
"a man who go to power
must have a big"
How you say? How you
say uh, khrum, khrum.
How you say, uh, a khrum?
You'd say lots of different things.
- How you say here?
- Uh
- Technically, it would be penis.
- Uh, no, no on the under.
- Testicles.
- Yes.
"He have very big testicles."
Um, you want to touch?
You want to show him?
I'm sorry, I think that's
entirely inappropriate.
- You know?
- Why?
That is not a customary thing
here in the United States at all.
No, not at all.
You can touch me. I do not mind.
I really don't want to.
I would like to learn
from how to make a speech.
Okay.
Uh, the biggest thing about speeches
is to know your audience,
know who you're talking to,
and know what they care about.
As everyone know, today
is 14th year anniversary
of Tishnik massacre.
So, please now I ask you to stand
and give them respect.
Please, we will have 10-minute silence.
Thank you.
Is it good to give a
compliment to audience?
Uh, yes, it's always good to
give a compliment to the audience.
But it needs to be a sincere compliment.
It needs to be something that
they feel comes from the heart.
I hope you all like me.
I.. hope you like me very much.
I would like to do
a romance inside of you.
But not only if she let me.
Not with force.
All day long, when I see you,
I think of you no clothes.
Wowowwiwah!
But is very wonderful.
Thank you to meet a great man.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Easy, now.
- Good day.
Safe. What be your name?
I'm Dr. George Washington.
- What?
- Dr. George Washington.
All right, wicked.
So, does vets mainly
look after sick animals?
No, we do a lot of preventive medicine,
reproductive work, and everything.
Why was there so many
sick animals in Vietnam?
There
there wasn't that many sick
animals in Vietnam.
But weren't there, like,
millions of Vietnam vets?
You're confusing terminology here.
Okay, a veterinarian is a
doctor of veterinary medicine.
- He's a person that treats animals.
- For real. Ah, I's getting it.
So, loads of people went to Vietnam
and then treated animals there.
No, no, no.
You're confusing the term.
- A'ight.
- I'm a veteran
but I'm also a veterinarian
because I served time
- as a veterinarian in the military.
- For real?
So, why does so many of those
people from the military,
then later on in life want
to start working with animals?
They don't. They can do
anything they want to.
There's no relation between
a veteran of the military
- and a veterinarian.
- A'ight, respect. And you is?
- I'm both.
- Oh, man, that's so confusing.
I don't understand it!
So, to make this clear
to young people out there,
people who fights in wars
is called veterinarians
- No!
- People who
- Are called veterans.
- Whatever, veterans.
People who does the animal thing
is called veterinar veterans.
- No, veterinarians.
- Veterinarians.
- Respect.
- V-E-T-E-R-I-N-A-R
- it's veterinarians.
- When you was a kid,
did you know that you wanted
to grow up and be a veteran?
Well, you're still confusing
- just forget the word veteran, please.
- All right.
How often is animals
actually sick and how often is
they faking it just so
them can get a day off work?
Animals aren't faking
it to get a day off work.
But what does you do if there's,
like, a knock on your door
and there's, like, a
goat out there or whatever
and he says he's got flu,
but you know he's lying.
Does you tell the farmer?
The goat doesn't talk to us.
It's the farmer that talks to us.
So, is there a lot of
sex diseases with animals?
There are a few, but not
many that's transmitted.
Is that because most
animals wear connies?
No.
So, is you saying that the
man cows just whip it out
and jizz over their Babylons, or what?
No.
So, how does they stop
getting them preggers?
So, is there any animals that
ain't been discovered yet?
There could be.
They've just found some
in some of the jungles,
different places that
they didn't know existed.
Have you got any photos of the
ones that ain't been discovered?
No.
All right, what about a
video or something, like
Well, if you had a video, then
they'd have been discovered!
A'ight. Not if they'd
videoed themselves.
They aren't smart enough
to operate a video.
Look at that [bleep] thing.
What's that?
That's a chicken.
What? That thing?
- Is a chicken.
- Is that a real animal?
- That's a chicken.
- Check it out.
- Is you ever seen anything like that?
- Yeah.
- Look at it.
- He's got feathers on his feet.
How come him is wearing that?
That's the way Mother Nature
that's the way his genes
are he was born.
- So, where is, like, the tigers?
- This is not a zoo.
This is a farm. This is, like, uh
this is more like a farm you is seen
- probably when I was a kid.
- What about a "hippototamous"?
Hippopota they're you go to
the National Zoo and you can see them.
What, you ain't got them here either?
No, this is not a zoo.
This is a farm.
You know what a farm is?
Well, it's like a
rubbish zoo, obviously.
Okay, I hope you learned
something about animals
- Yo, me learned a lot about animals.
- because you have a lot to learn.
- Keep it real.
- Okay.
- 'Nuff respect.
- Okay.
- Safe, wicked.
- Safe. Okay.
Listen up.
Me name be Buchanan.
Me knows 'nuff tings 'bout politics.
Get involved, Mac daddies.
Y'all better realize
that nothin' be better way
to get your kicks West side.
A'ight?