You Got A Problem With My Boobies, PUNK?

August 8, 2008

Yesterday, I took my brood to the library. It’s a lovely library, with soaring ceilings and vast windows and big, plush leather chairs and – of course – miles and miles of books. We settled into a corner of the children’s section on a comfy sofa, Emilia with a stack of picture books and me with Jasper, on the boob.

It was raining outside; we were damp from our walk. Droplets of rainwater fell from my hair onto Jasper’s cheek and he pulled away, gurgling his disapproval. My breast dropped from his mouth and sagged, exposed, below the edge of my yanked-up t-shirt while he squawked.

“He’s mad at you, Mommy,” Emilia remarked without looking up from her book. “Because your boobies are wet.”

I laughed, and almost didn’t hear the polite coughing from the nearby stacks. A woman stood there, books in hand. She didn’t meet my gaze, but looked over toward a table of computers where three young boys – probably eight or nine years old – sat playing a game. She coughed again and raised her eyebrows in their direction. Her meaning was clear.

I tucked my wayward breast back into my shirt and pulled Jasper upright. My immediate impulse was to be embarassed, contrite. To gather up my children and my things and go find somewhere else to nurse, somewhere where I wouldn’t risk exposing young boys to the indecent display of my breast. To feel badly for making such a naked display of my motherhood in front of children.

My secondary impulse was to let my boob drop out from beneath my shirt again and use my free hand to make an indecent gesture at the woman.

I did neither. I simply looked away and pulled Jasper closer to my chest, tucking him against my breast so that his pale round head covered the pale round globe of the boob. And struggled to control my anger.

That woman had hit a nerve. Had we been at a bus stop, or a park bench, surrounded, say, by seniors, and someone had directed a disapproving look my way, I would have ignored them. But this woman had articulated her disapproval on behalf of children. Her problem, she implied with her look, was that I was exposing children to something inappropriate, something indecent. And for a moment, I bought it, and felt ashamed. Surely young boys shouldn’t see an exposed breast in public, right? Why, that would corrupt them!

Bullshit.

It’s so ridiculous as to not even be worthy of explaining, but still. Sometimes important things need to be stated as loudly and as often as possible: BOOBS ARE NOT DIRTY. BOOBS ARE NOT SHAMEFUL. BOOBS SUSTAIN LIFE. OF BOOBS PUT TO THEIR NATURAL PURPOSE WE SHOULD BE PROUD. OF ALL BOOBS WE SHOULD BE PROUD.

Women who nurse – and, for what it’s worth, women who don’t nurse – should feel proud – and should be made to feel proud – nourishing their children anywhere, anytime, in front of anybody. Especially in front of children, who, more than anybody, need to know that a mother nursing her baby is a natural, beautiful thing. That breasts aren’t just something for adults to leer that. That the human body is built for amazing things, and that the life-sustaining miracles that it performs are nothing to be ashamed of. Of course we teach them that some beautiful and satisfying things are private – but a mother caring for her baby is not one of those things. It is for everywhere, and should be celebrated.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week this week. It should be a week for celebrating our freedom of choice in how we nurture and nourish our children. Instead, all the stories about nursing that I’ve seen have provided more evidence that we don’t really have that freedom. A woman who was nursing in an H&M store in Vancouver was sent to a change room to nurse her infant. A woman on a WestJet flight was asked to cover up with a blanket. A woman nursing her baby in a library in Bowmanville, Ontario, got the stink-eye from some random stranger. We were – we are – all of us, at some point, made to feel ashamed for mothering.

Sure, we protest. But I’m getting really fucking sick of needing to protest. I’m tired of it. And this is why it sucks (no pun intended) (okay, sort of intended) so much: when women are made to feel ashamed for breastfeeding, they’re being shamed at the most vulnerable times in their lives. They are exhausted. They are stressed. They are, often, struggling with depression. And still they fight on, working so, so hard to care for their babies. They are champions. And yet it is during this time, the most trying time of their championship, while they struggle to keep their footing and to keep going, that others kick them down and shame them.

And that just makes me so angry that I can’t even see straight.

I’m not going to protest. I have no spare strength for protest. But I will do this: I will continue to bare my breast for my baby at every opportunity. Any time, any place. And if anyone so much as looks at me askance, I will look right back, and I will say – if only with my eyes, although I so wish for the courage to speak these words aloud – YOU should be ashamed of yourself for trying to shame me. You should be ashamed for belittling a mother. Shame on YOU.

And I will hope that my daughter is there to hear it.

Baby got boob.

********

Okay, for serious now, I am taking a small break, just a few days. There’ll be some guests here while I spend a few days restoring myself. They’ll take care of you. I’ll be around reading comments and such, but mostly I’m going read and rest and flash boob. Wish you were here, don’t you?

Agh FFS. Having nourished all 3 of my kids, whenever, wherever they chose I guess I was very lucky that no-one ever commented. I was ready for them though – prepared myself with “but it’s ok for you to eat in public” and other such niceties.

Well done for standing your ground, politely. I think I would have given her a mouthful of MY thoughts.

It never fails to amaze me how people walk around with skirts so short and tight the WORLD is their gynecologist, and no one complains about that. We see more boobs on the front of People Magazine in the grocery store checkout aisle than we do when someone’s breastfeeding, but no one complains about that. But whip out a little snippet of bosom and then cover it up with a baby’s head and everyone’s all “The sky is falling, the sky is falling.”

My son breastfeeds his stuffed animals quite proudly, “See Mummy?” he’ll say, “I’m feeding (reindeer bear, teddy, elmo etc) my baby milk!”I breastfed him until he was a year and had to stop because my nipples were too sensitive due to the 5 month old baby growing i my tummy… His sister is now 1 1/2 years old and I’m typing this with one hand because she is sitting on my lap, nursing.If I encountered disapproval during my first year of breastfeeding her, or the year I fed my son, I certainly didn’t notice it.It’s the past 6 months or so that I’ve noticed the looks of disbelief, disapproval, disgust even. In a restaurant a few months ago I heard a girl of about 20 or so say to her boyfriend, “Does she have to breastfeed at the table!?” The boyfriend looked suitably embarrassed and as the rage bubbled up inside me all I could do was fix her with the coldest look I could muster (which at least made her turn her attention elsewhere) but there I was sitting in a family restaurant, there were children and babies everywhere, AND I happened to have been organized enough that day to have brought my nursing canopy – which I was using. There was no boob exposed – she was simply objecting to the mere idea of breastfeeding. For all she knew my daughter was having a private nap under there.

Breastfeeding is a natural function of our bodies – it’s also one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to master and unlike most skills we develop, it doesn’t get easier. Sure, you learn your baby’s cues for hunger, you get a feel for how your baby needs to be latched, you can even train your baby to stop biting you – in the comfort of your own home, breastfeeding goes from an anxiety inducing activity rife with feelings of inadequacey and physical pain to smooth sailing in a matter of weeks. In public on the other hand we are constantly being met with that wall. With evil eyes, sarcastic comments, general public disapproval.

I always take comfort in the fact that with all the breastmilk this child’s consume, she’s gonna be a friggin’ genius.

I have to say it makes me really uncomfortable when I see a mother giving her baby a bottle, I mean doesn’t she realize what she is doing???? I still nurse in public, discreetly but not secretly, and my dd is 28 months old. She is not so discreet sometimes and will say “I want NUUURRSEEE” it is rather cute the way she says it. I also agree with so many on your comments about never trying to hide from my older kids when someone is breastfeeding in public. I think it is good for kids to have exposure to good parenting and great nutrition. I actually saw a baby in its carrier carseat at Walmart ( of all places) with a bottle of red stuff propped up. How disgusting is that?Michelle

Oh, Ceeb, I don’t think that you’re at all unusual to have felt the way you do, I really don’t. We’re so conditioned to think of breasts exclusively sexually. I just think it’s a shame that so many women feel that way..

And? I don’t think anyone should feel badly, ever, for bottle-feeding their baby, for any reason. We should all be free to choose.

When I was struggling to learn to breastfeed my daughter, one of those Looks would just make it so much worse. I was frustrated, tired, and ready to give up already and I didn’t need leering strangers to make it that much harder. I don’t think people realize how much mental damage they can cause a new mother. I’ve been trying to make it a point to encourage moms that I see nursing in public, if only to counter-attack all those other trolls!

I just wonder if that woman in the library would have pointed you out to the eight-year-olds if they had been girls rather than boys. And I suspect that she probably wouldn’t have.

I had the same brief feeling of shame whenever I felt the disapproval of someone as I breastfed, but it quickly manifested into anger. Perhaps that’s why my youngest, whom I breastfed longest, is such a fighter. I must have been putting out angry juice!

oh catherine i love that pic of emilia nursing her baby.its so cute.i have breastfed all 4 of mine in public.and yes people stared and said stupid stuff sometimes.and i would smile and keep feeding my child.on the rare occasion when i was having trouble relaxing and trying to feed crying screaming unhappy baby and someone would stare or say something i would just give them a withering look and continue.sweetie don’t let those narrow-minded judgemental people make you feel bad or uncomfortable for doing something as beautiful and nurturing as feeding your child.hell i wish i was still nursing a babe so i could spend the next week or is it month of national breastfeeding week/month whipping out my boobage and feeding a baby defiantly in front of all those idjits who have problem with it.if you don’t like it or our that uncomfortable don’t look at the breast feeding mamas !…sorry HBM you have a well-deserved break and we will all be nice to your guest bloggers.hugs to you.

You said that the boys at the computer were 8 or 9, right? Maybe she was just trying to point out that the boys are going to start behaving inappropriately from seeing a boob. I mean, that’s STILL wrong and as parents its our job to expose our kids to age appropriate issues and for whatever reason breast feeding in public is still so taboo.

Maybe she shouldn’t have been worried about someone else’s kids seeing something that SHOULD be normal for ANYone to see, but I’d really like to think that maybe she meant well… and acted bad. Does that make any sense at all?

I love the fact that your little girl thinks nothing of it but an adult worries about how kids will handle it. You really had a way of saying this on here. Maybe you’ll see her at the library again and can have a chat with her. She needs to hear it!

I see nothing wrong with providing your child with the basic requirements of life, such as FOOD.People are morons and overly sensitive about everything nowadays. Oh God, not a part of the natural human body!I bet they’d give you even worse stink eye if you’d refused to give him the boob and let him cry and wail. They’d love that.

I have a wee tiger called Caitlin who is now 8 weeks old. We were in the library a few weeks ago and she decided that she needed feeding RIGHT NOW! We sat in the childrens section while she fed: there were a few kids around with their parents and I felt so self concious that it was a while before I fed in public again. Whether the looks were imagined were real or imagined breastfeeding in the UK is also still seen as somewhat inappropriate and embarrassing for other people. last week i started feeding in public again; as I got a bit mad that I was feeling like that, when my daughter needs feeding that’s all I need to know…next time I get any looks I will look straight back and like one of your commenters has said ‘I’ll offer the other boob’ and then laugh my arse off…

I nursed all three of my kids and I remember several times being pissed that people expected me to go into another room, a bathroom, or starve my child because they were squeamish about a boob. I never caved to them though I’m proud to say, but my favorite incident came to mind as I read your post.

We were in a restaurant having dinner with friends sitting at a table in the corner. I was faced away from the whole restaurant and only the people in my party could see me. I heard people at the table behind me talking about how they couldn’t believe I was doing “that” right at the table and how I should have gone in the restroom. I got up, turned around, with the baby still on my boob, and said “If you think the bathroom is such a fine place to dine, why don’t you go eat in there?”. That shut them up.

I can’t believe what a hot topic this is! For those of us who nurse and those who didn’t… some of those who didn’t nurse take it as judgement by those of us who do, and those of us who do walk around on eggshells trying not to sound judgmental to those who didn’t! I’m on my third baby,(second in two years) and I’ve just finally come to a place where I can at least stare right back at whoever is doing the ‘stare down’, without feeling embarassed. It’s such bullshit. What about MY right to feel comfortable? Or my baby’s? I’m so tired of always putting everyone else first. Grrrr!

We are thinking about having another baby and I know that I am not going to be able to nurse (For OH, so many reasons) and comments like Miche’s make me shudder with the judgment I look forward to.

So, I appreciate your comments about bottle feeding.

As for the nursing,I would never expect a nursing mom to go into another room to nurse. EVER. It is such a hard job, and the baby’s needs come first.

However, I also appreciate it highly when discretion is used. Although I would never say anything, I get uncomfortable when I see women just whip it out with no effort to be at least a little discreet. I truly have tried my best to have it not, but there it is.

It’s kind of like…peeing??? It’s a very necessary function that is carried out by life-giving organs that are also sexually functional. I would never hold needing to urinate against someone as it is completely necessary and vital but if it has to happen in an area where there is no restroom (and all of us have been there at some point), try not to flash your groovy bits too much?

I breastfed all three of my children. Currently they are 17, 5, and 3. You can imagine the difference in breastfeeding right and comfort between when I was nursing 17 years ago and just several years ago.

Back then, I went to a car or a restroom. It was not ‘natural’ to breastfeed in public. Not in this country. But I still did it.

When I was nursing two little ones, it was all public, baybee! I got wonderful support from my friends and family. We would go out in public together most often and my husband was always there and ready (boy was he ready) to get in someone’s face if they didn’t like it. However, he never got the opportunity because I was very lucky in that no one ever complained whereever we went. No one shouted praises in my direction, or even gave me a understanding look either, but at least they didn’t complain.

People in this country really need to get with the times, get their knickers out of a twist, and just get over themselves. Breastfeeding is THE BEST for everyone involved and the public eye can just go poke themselves until blinded if they don’t want to see the beauty around them.

I thought of you and this post today as I breastfed my five-week-old daughter in public for the first time. She started fussing as we waited for our breakfast to arrive at our favorite restaurant, so I moved to the bathroom to latch her on (I haven’t yet figured out how to get her latched without flashing everyone in a room), and promptly came back out to take a seat. There was a preteen boy sitting at the table right next to us, so I was nervous, but encountered no overt judgment. I was probably more uncomfortable than anyone who may have figured out what I was doing, actually. But I did it, which is a step in the right direction. Keep on keepin’ on — your post helped me me brave when my daughter needed me. -Chan

Oh, I forgot one other thing. As far as exposing children to a breastfeeding mommy and baby… well if those children were breastfed themselves, they’d have no problem with it.

My 5 year old, when she was younger, saw a women walking around with a blanket over her shoulder, breastfeeding her baby in a store. She turned to me and said, “Mommy, look! That baby is having a little snack.” How cute is that!

Loralee – one of my very best friends – who has four children – was never able to breastfeed, and I was always horrified by her stories of being approached by people and chastised for using a bottle. How a mother chooses to feed her baby is nobody’s business but her own, and no mother should ever feel shamed for whatever choice she makes.

The breastfeeding/shame nexus is tricky, though. I totally understand that some people don’t want to be flashed. Once upon a time I wouldn’t have wanted to be flashed. But even if I still felt uncomfortable around someone else’s bare boobs, I would stand by their superior right to nurse (over my right to not be made uncomfortable). I know you’re not challenging that right, and I happen to be one of those women who strives for discretion (because I’m shy), but even the thought that other people are around me wishing that I’d cover up makes me feel shame. Sometimes, one can’t help the boob slipping out – baby moves her head away, the latch breaks, whatever. When I snapped at Guy Kawasaki’s party, part of it came from frustration at not being able to get Jasper to stay on the boob – he kept squalling as my boob hung out AT GUY KAWASAKI’S POOLSIDE, and the only thing that kept me sane was knowing that odds were good that most people at the party would not be made uncomfortable by that stray boob. Had I been anywhere else, I might have lost it entirely – the anxiety compounded by shame would have been too much.

ANYHOO. Long-winded response. Long way of saying that I wish that no-one was made uncomfortable by this. So that we could all feel empowered, always, everywhere, in these choices.

I just silently think that vegetable oil is the number two ingredient in formula when I get these looks. I just ignore and let the babe nurse away. Your kid is way more important! Besides I find that men are almost always more accepting of nursing whether they are 8, 38 or 78 years old. Any age in between…

I would on one hand be inclined to give the woman the benefit of the doubt in thinking that maybe she was pointing out that those boys are entering the age where they will get silly about these things and you might not WANT to be the object of that…

and yet, isn’t that all the more reason they SHOULD see breasts put to another use? Because by grade five, more than half of boys have seen some internet images of naked female flesh in the least realistic of forms and poses? Because boys at that age are starting to get curious about boobies, and maybe it would be a positive thing for them to see them in an everyday light, where it’s not all about airbrushing and men’s pleasure? A more holistic view of them might just be a good thing, if you ask me.

Though I’m not sure the giggling would be worth it to me. If they even noticed, which they likely would not have, since boys at computers in libraries tend to be pretty intent on the screen.

You are so right. I suffered 10 weeks of bleeding nipples, and am still getting up every 3 hours at night to give my son what is best for him. I am, quite rightly, pretty damned proud of myself. And, no matter where I am, if my baby is hungry, I will feed him. I am lucky to live in Europe, where people seem to be a bit more relaxed about the whole thing (how we laughed at the outrage over Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction), but still have got some looks from people. It’s sad…

i fear the day when i a) get pregnant and then b) become a mother, because i can’t even get through half of this post without starting to cry.in related news, i have been looking for a second job ( the economy is TOTAL crap in michigan) and if you want, i could just follow you around with a baseball bat when you’re out in public, and then just whomp people on the head when they have the nerve to shame you.let me know, i’m totally available.

My breastfeeding days are behind me (and I had a couple of negative reactions while nursing in public), but I’m so happy to see you and other moms standing up and fighting for the right to nurse where ever, whenever. There should be no backlash or negativity associated with this very natural act. Soldier on!

It sucks that this happened to you- I never had anyone shame me in public, but MY FAMILY was not okay with breastfeeding, at all. My mom was more or less okay with it,and supportive, my brother and father act as if I am molesting my child or something- my brother less so- his wife attempted nursing but had an unwilling child (LC said- wow, I have never seen a newborn fight to not be held as much as this one. That’s my niece.:)-)but my brother TRIES, it just makes him uncomfortable to see his sister nurse, whether I am covered or not. I was left going into another bedroom to hide for my daughter’s marathon boobie sessions- I just wanted to socialize, Dammit! Instead I am kicked out to another room, like nobody would have ever thought to do if I had given her a bottle. Bullshit.I just don’t understand people like this.

I really hope that when the next person gives you the “stink eye” you’ll find the courage to say what you wrote. And then I hope you’ll post about it so I can say “here-here” and send you a cyber cheers…

From your story . . . it appears that the woman was all hot and bothered for nothing . . . the boys she was so tenderly concerned for never even looked around at you did they? I think you found the real pervert!

I breastfed my daughter for 3 months and son for 7 months and EVERY DAY was a struggle and I persisted until I really felt i could no longer do it and switched to formula. I have to say that I bristle at the few little digs in here at bottle feeding moms. I am very pro-breastfeeding and breast is best, but at a certain point it gets kind of Gestapo-ish. I don’t think women should be judged either way and i find it a bit hurtful that some of the same women who are angry about being judged for breastfeeding in public would make derogatory remarks about women who choose to or have to bottlefeed.

Anonymous – I’m very sorry if you found anyone’s comments here hurtful. I hope that I’ve made it plain that *I* do not in any way judge the use of a bottle. *I* have used the bottle in periods of nursing-related desperation (and after my daughter self-weaned at 8 months), and I have seen women get persecuted for bottle-feeding. NO mother should be shamed for nourishing her child, however she does that.

Honestly, when I compare the looks I get now vs when I was breastfeedig my son 4 years ago I’m amazed.With Matt I used to get comments all the time both positive and negative.This time around people kind of ignore us. It’s nice.