75: Sneaking Off

Wake Up and Smell the Barbarians

I am sorry to say this, but I need some space from you all for a while. I need to straighten out my feelings of abandonment by Calliope. She had me completely fooled, and I blame myself for being duped. I should have seen it coming. I saw the warning signs and ignored them. I am guessing you all saw them, not being emotionally involved. I can’t blame you for not saying anything negative about her; I probably would not have listened in any case. Don’t feel bad. Please. What she did was terrible. She used me and then cast me out like a soiled rag. I was never good enough for her. She was always hiding me, sneaking around behind my back. This is not something new.

I thought Carnasos’ death was a tragedy. I think it may have been a blessing in disguise, only I ignored the signs. Calli was vile to me back then, and even more so after I had returned. But I wanted things between us to work out, so I stuffed my hurt and anger and fear down so deep that I don’t think even Mormekar could have found it. I should have made a clean break when He called me, and sent me away on this mission. But I was in love. Stupidly in love.

I know these past days, I have been troubled. I have been sullen and withdrawn. I want to continue on, I really do. But my friends, I simply cannot. Not like this. And not with you. This last episode, with the barbarians – completely innocent men and women – whose only crime was to be born different and have wandered into unfriendly territory, was a terrible reminder to me of how Dorak’s attitude is destructive for me. The paranoia and willingness to slaughter at any provocation… that is not something I can handle right now. It makes me furious, and I don’t like that feeling. It is generally not so bad if Kumori is around, but when the lamp sucks our Samurai into itself, Dorak takes lead and makes the decisions. Poor ones. I am sorry Dorak, but you are turning. I see you fighting for evil now, more than being a champion or savior of worlds. You need to check your shit, dude. Get a clue and choose a side. Do you want to be a killer, or a savior? Just because you have trained yourself to be all that and a spleen destroyer, does not mean you need to prove it to people who are only questionably foes.

What did the barbarians do to provoke your ire? (and from what I saw, you took glee from being able to avoid becoming flanked and loved it when you were able to kill the barbarian with one swift thrust under his jaw). They were scouting a way back to their homeland. Crime? No. They were observing the party, because they had been traveling at night TO AVOIDCONFRONTATION. They had not been hostile when Ian mesmerized them with his pattern of light. In fact, they were retreating when Ian pushed the effects back and caught the rest of them. And the Knight, Sir douchebag, ordered his men to fire upon them for no reason. You all had command of the situation, there was no need to kill anyone. But his men fired, and you DORAK rushed in, gleefully needing to prove yourself. Of course, the barbarians fought back to protect themselves. In defense. Most of them did run away. Of course that was after you murdered their leader. You know… the one with a half dozen arrows already protruding from his body. At least Smriti was trying to subdue them and dissipate the violence. But Dorak, your bloodlust got the best of you. At this moment, I seriously doubt that you have it in you (individually and collectively) to save this world. Being around you is akin to bathing in acid. I am hoping that by separating myself from you, I can get my own shit together, so when I do return (if I return), that I will be in a wholesome place with a righteous mindset.

I need to sort this out on my own. If the gods – or the lamp, or whatever – want me back in the group to battle the evil in Kaidan, or to guide you or whatever they say I am there for… they will call me to you. I just hope I am ready to deal with you as well as whatever lies before you.

Izzy, just because someone says you can summon Steve does not mean you have the right or option to turn ignorant. What happens every time any civilized person witnesses your summoning? The party suffers for it. Wake up hon. I love you but sometimes your are one stupid woman.

Kumori, I think you are their only hope. I do not wish this on you, but you are the one to mantle them on your shoulders. Lead well, my strong warrior. Lead well (and try to stay out of the lamp… yeah right!).

Smriti, you have a huge heart. I don’t know why you put up with the idiocy, but gods love you for it. I think you need to speak out more. I see you hiding behind that veil sometimes, using it as a shield, or a wall to keep you safe. Honey! What you have to say is important, and I think your leadership skills are undervalued, by the party and yourself. Step up sister.

Ian, you are just coming into yourself, and your power. I see the makings of a powerfully intelligent wizard. You have what it takes. I see your restraint, and I think the others could take a page from your book. Just don’t be afraid to unleash if you need to. Save the oomph for the big bad guys. Let the others take care of the mooks and henchmen, unless they are busy with the boss. Keep the light in your heart, never forget that.

Ignatious, when the lamp lets you back into the party, kick Dorak in the ass. Then give him a hug (not that he will let you). I hope that you can learn that study and practice do not make the world. Love and hope does. We were gathered as a hope, a glimmering shining where all else is dark. Don’t let the real world get you down. Let it inspire you to become a better man, a better cleric. Yes, I know… I am the one bailing on all you guys. I have my reasons, and I hope to be back in your company. A broken Dusky is not what you all need right now.

Broken? Yes. I spent a few hours with those barbarians, and I was seriously thinking about joining them against you. What the party allowed to happen was against everything I stand for. And that it was all at the command of a Drusan Knight made me ashamed to call this land my homeland. But one man does not stand for a country, just as I cannot stand for our party. We are heroes. We are heroes? I don’t know. I hope Kumori will be able to impart some wisdom on you all.

Lastly, Dorak… you break my heart. Probably as much as Calliope has. Your betrayal, like hers, had loud signals that we all chose to ignore. I can’t ignore it anymore, and I am so messed up that I can’t stick around to help you. I would break. The anger I felt towards you is enough for me to realize that I need to be apart, and fix myself. Then I may be able to come back and help you all. But not right now. I love you Dorak. You have been my big, smart, brother. I have looked up to you for so long, and mused at your quirks… not eating, always watching your back (and ours). Even your surly attitude and gruff temper are endearing, to a point. And that point has been reached by me. Sorry.

I will see you all when I can fix myself, or when the lamp forces me to deal with you (which is more what I think will come to pass). Please be safe, and for goodness sake, wise up. All of you. Don’t let the Calliopes of the world fool you, and don’t overreact when they do. I know, I am overreacting. Pot… kettle… black. I never said I was perfect, and neither did you. But if the world is to be saved, WE all need to do some heavy truth seeking and self examining!