May 4, 2007

Big Red Bucks? No Big Red Deal!

By | May 4, 2007

If you are Soojeong Catherine Son ’09, I know what you are thinking: “Great! Another ‘good night and good luck’ column, thanking everyone, reflecting on past experiences and generally wasting space in the newspaper.” Well think again, Son! (See what I did there? Son is her name, but also a good nickname for a random doubter. Cute, huh?) This column is going to be chock-full of very useful end of the year tips.
What more advice could I could I possibly have to impart? Well why don’t you check your Big Red Bucks balance. Have more than $200 left? Are you now realizing that you have give or take two weeks to spend $200 on candy, chips and ice cream bars? Looks like you are going to need a professional, a “Heavy Hitter” if you will. (Note: The Heavy Hitters are part of an upstate New York law firm that specializes in trip and fall lawsuits.) If you don’t want to be stuck carrying 4,000 bottles of water to your car before a long trip home, you better stick around and listen up fool. Here are the top six ways to waste — I mean spend — your remaining 200 Big Red Bucks.That’s a Wrap
Buy 133 1/3 Servings of Guacamole at the Terrace (Thank you to Vicky, Dee and the rest of the Statler wrap crew for putting up with me.)Have a Chicken Parm Party for Your Floor
This idea comes straight from Alex Scharffman ’10. Go to Nasties, or Jansen’s, or wherever fine sandwiches are sold, buy enough chicken parm subs for your entire floor. Return to your floor with a huge box of chicken, and be remembered as the hall hero. (Note: This “hall hero” title will only be applied if you are the first to act, nobody wants to eat four chicken parm subs in four days.)Hot Dogs for Strangers (HDFS)
Slope Day is today, (actually happening right now) so put down the newspaper, head out to Libe, buy tons of hot dogs and give them out to strangers. Let’s foster some Cornell camaraderie. Reach out and touch someone (appropriately!) If you are a stranger and you give me a hot dog today (Friday) I guarantee you a shout out or possibly even an entire paragraph in next year’s first column (assuming I remember.)Donate Them to Charity
Every year charity organizations try to capitalize on your poor BRB management. Throw them a bone, buy a can or two of corn and put it in their box. It feeds Ithaca’s every growing homeless population, and it will help ease the pain of spending hundreds on food you don’t want or need.Try to Make a Mother’s Day Present
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. Why not get Mom what she’s always wanted: A lifetime supply of Sobe iced tea, Rock Star energy drinks, on-sale Easter candy, assorted sugary cereals and Entenmann’s. If there is better way to say “I love you”, I don’t know what it is.Buy 4,000 Bottles of Water
Last year my friend Brett had close to 400 dollars in BRB at the end of the semester. We went to Nasties to buy cases upon cases of water. While we rolled them back to our house on a borrowed cart, the heavens opened up and it began to pour. Trying to control an overloaded cart in the rain was no easy task, and when we were five feet from the house the cart tipped over and many, many bottles of water flew into freshly created puddles of mud. I know the purpose of this column was to prevent water from being purchased, but let’s face it, you have a lot of money to spend.
Well, that about wraps it up for this snack food genius. It’s been a great year of columns. I plan to do a lot of research over the summer so I can come back in the fall fresh and ready to go. Graduating seniors, congratulations on staying sober enough to read a newspaper on Slope Day. Ideas for next year’s columns: The Levitsky Interview (it is coming, I promise!), Jelly Beans, classy party ideas, best snacks to drink with, BBQ tips and more!

This review appears in the 2007 edition of The Sun’s annual Freshman Issue. Like its source material, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, diverges from its predecessors in many ways, both large and samll.