I Am Outraged

By Col. Bernie Sanders

I had been feeling great joy since in the last couple of weeks since I’ve been able to evolve from a mere twitter feed to actualhumanform, thanks to the Halloween holiday that has just passed and commemorated martyrs and others among the faithfully departed.

But the kicker is this, the executive with the most extravagant plan is the head of Yum Brands, the corporation that now owns KFC, the company I founded decades ago. USA Today reports: “The $234 million nest egg of fast-food giant Yum Brands’ Executive Chairman David Novak was the largest among Fortune 500 top executives during 2014.”

Nest egg indeed. My word, $234 million. Why, I sold the company back in 1964 for a mere $2 million. Now, I did retain the Canadian portion — and when the time came for me to sell that, I gave all the proceeds to — take a guess. Why, what would I do? Have you been listening to my alter ego of late talking about tuitionless college?

Why of course, I gave the proceeds over so that young people could go to college. Every fiber of my being feels this, you can watch me talk about it in this video with these nice Christians.

But what this fellow Novak, who says he’s a Christian too, has done is enough to make me doubt my faith in the Lord, don’t you see? What’s his aim, to be the richest man in the cemetery?

Why from the looks of it, this fellow Novak treats his workers worse than I treated my chickens.

Either way, both of me is united in revulsion by the Novak character. But these workers protesting better be careful.

I made my chicken with a patented process of using 29 and 7/10th pounds of pressure. But it’s going to take more pressure than that to change things around here.

You can’t just lock in the juices, we’ve got to get the juices out of the 1 percent.

And while working people voting Republican is like chickens voting for you-know-who, people working to advance their interests or simply the cause of justice would be advised to not simply trust the fox of the present day Democratic Party guarding the chicken coop of what they hold dear.

Sam Husseini is a writer and political activist. He is the communications director of the Institute for Public Accuracy, a D.C.-based nonprofit group that promotes progressive experts as alternative sources for mainstream media reporters.