Sir Steve Redgrave to be decommissioned

02-08-12

BRITAIN will phase Sir Steve Redgrave out of service by the end of the year, the British Olympic Committee has confirmed.

Redgrave will remain a hero for Britain's several rowing fans

As Bradley Wiggins overtook Redgrave as Britain’s most decorated Olympian, the former rower will now be placed into storage until a bidder comes forward to use him as the marketing manager for a provincial firm of golf equipment suppliers or the deputy head of a small private school.

The facility in Carlisle, a former aircraft hangar, also contains a Chris Hoy, a Sally Gunnell and several mothballed Tessa Sandersons that are allowed to give inspirational talks whilst wearing a tracksuit once every three months to keep them in working order.

Redgrave said: “I had hoped the tacks in the road of the Tour de France might have stopped Bradley from overtaking me but it looks like the party is over.”

“It’s just a shame to think that younger people will never get to see a fully operational Redgrave endorsing a breakfast cereal but I guess that’s progress.”

Meanwhile Bradley Wiggins is to be made sporting ambassador-ready by having his trademark sideburns encased in Perspex to protect them from attack, then trained in blandly amusing interviews with Sue Barker and armed with fully operational anecdotes.

Redgrave said: “I’m glad to have served my country by opening sports centres and appearing on A Question Of Sport but maybe there’s a foreign nation that doesn’t have its own sporting hero that I could represent. I’m happy to be refitted as a Samoan ex-rower, for example.”