A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. So the Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good will to men' mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

"How can I help you?" said the doctor.

"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep thinking I'm a moth".

"A moth?"

"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a moth".

"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist".

"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man .

"Well, as it happens, I know just the man". said the doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday."

The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.

"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"

"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door was open and the lights were on .....".

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the manbehind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!""I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.""Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

Well, you first gotta understand that this chicken had a hard childhood. His father left when he had yet to hatch. His mother looked after him for a few years, but she was a druggie and didn't do that great a job. Eventually she sold him into slavery in exchange for a hit.

For a few years he worked as a slave laborer on a farm just north of the border. The man who owned the farm was about as cruel and sadistic as they get, but to all outward appearances he was the model of virtue and a pillar of the community, so nobody suspected that he had seventy slave chickens working for him.

Eventually this chicken snapped and murdered the farm owner by pecking open his jugular vein. He left the farm. Shortly after the owner's family found out who killed him and put up a one million dollar bounty, payable to whoever found, tortured and killed the chicken. Fearing for his life, the chicken headed up north.

He fell in with the chicken mafia, and worked as a hitchicken and general muscle for a few years. He slowly earned enough money to rent a house and get established, although he had to keep his head down to avoid getting noticed. He met a nice hen, and they started dating.

Now, the chicken was getting tired of killing other chickens for a living. He'd been attending classes part time, and had been told by his teachers that he was real smart. They wanted to give him a scholarship to go to college overseas, even.

That never worked out, however. The chicken's girlfriend got pregnant, and he decided to stay in the country to care for the resulting chicks. He tried to quit the mafia. His bosses were not very pleased about his decision, and told him it would be a shame if anything bad happened to his family. The chicken bought a strong lock for his apartment, although he still constantly worried about his family. The chicken got a job in an office. It was mind-numbingly boring, but it paid the bills and didn't involve killing anyone.

Two years later the chicken got two strokes of bad luck. Firstly, the company was going through hard times and had decided to lay him off. Secondly, he had developed severe respiratory problems; the doctor said it had something to do with exposure to agricultural chemicals from his days as a slave. When he went home to tell his wife the bad news, he found she wasn't there. She had taken the children and left to be with another chicken.

Well, the chicken went out and got good and drunk that night. He was standing outside a bar, watching the cars streak across the nearby highway, when he thought that it would be good to die. He didn't have much to live for, and his life insurance policy would help his kids more than he ever could now. His death had to look like an accident, though.

The highway! That was it! He would get run over, and be "accidentally" killed.

The chicken staggered out over the road, trying to position himself in front of the largest vehicle possible. They swerved around him, furiously honking their horns and yelling obscenities at him. The chicken staggered on, and before he realized it he'd crossed the road and had reached the other side.

The chicken still wasn't dead, however. He slumped to the ground, weeping bitter tears.

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research, they are proud to present the results:

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE p*ssy!"

She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down, and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her husband comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.

She's embarrassed to say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big f*cking hole in the floor".

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, "Man, I'd love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!" The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.

The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, "Aren't you going to do anything?!"

The husband replies, "First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn't be out shopping without panties. And third of all, there's no way I'm going to mess with someone who can eat that much ice cream!"

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.

Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.

A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers.... they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very constipated.

The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. Come to my office in a few days, said the doctor, and let me know how it works.

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

Have you moved yet? asks the doctor.

No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee.

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said, Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is happening.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

An 80 year old man was requested by his physician for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year old man come back and gave doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as yesterday.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man stated "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The physician was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."