Saturday, February 27, 2010

A few weeks ago, I came across this article where they found some frozen cave dude in a big chunk of ice. They thawed him out and extracted some DNA and found out how close he was to us. I personally was hoping they would thaw him out and he'd come to life like Brendan Fraiser in Encino Man, but then I remembered that was a really shitty Pauly Shore movie, so maybe it's best that they only were able to extract DNA. But I digress...

So, they put the DNA in a bowl during the full moon, with some chicken feathers, did some sort of VooDoo chant and figured out what this ancient man looked like. And it was this...

DAMN. He looks really, REALLY pissed off. Maybe it's because we thawed him out. OR, more likely they got a picture of him with a mullet AND a mouth mullet...a goatee. A double whammy of outdated looks. I guess in 19,850 BC, when you went for a haircut and a shave that is what you got. No choice. If Tuk (that is what I named him...don't ask me why) asked "Me need modern look. Cut me hair off in back", Grog would grunt something like "Why you want cut hair in back...look good in your IROC. Lana think you hot. Want you to hit her on head and drag back to your cave...ugh."

But the reality of this whole thing is I ran into this cat at the Rushmore Mall last weekend. We grunted a few things to each other and I found out he is some sort of ten times removed cousin of mine. He thinks the mullet is hot and the fur collar makes him look sensitive to the fairer sex. The last I saw him, he was climbing into his monster truck in the parking lot and heading off to the East.

Either way, I KNOW this dude spent some time in South Dakota. We're always a bit behind the rest of the country when it comes to trends. I just don't know for sure how behind we are...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

So, on the morn after Tiger Woods pleads with the world to like him again after humping everything with two holes between it's legs, two days after Scotty Lago gets sent home from the Olympics for taking some quasi-sexual, but not risque pictures with him a couple girls and his bronze medal, on the weekend I find out the French government has issued an arrest warrant for Floyd Landis, I read a lengthy article in Outside about WADA and doping and I realize that we, as a society, have gone completely insane.

We put so much emphasis on sport in this country, and every industrialized country in the world, that we lose our minds when someone cheats. And why do people cheat in these sports? Because we have held them up to such a high place of prominence and esteem in our society that they feel entitled to do all the nefarious things they do AND they want to keep their place of prominence and do so by winning, so they'll do anything to keep winning. If we strip away the money what is left? For most of these athletes, nothing. They'd dry up and go away. But some of them would keep on for the love of the sport. You can tell by how they approach their game. Shaun White, for example. You can tell that he'd still be sending it huge if he were just another 20 something flowing down Terry Peak on the weekend. That is why we should NOT be so serious. I bike because I love it, not because I get paid for it. We need to return the love of the sport.

So, on to something a bit less serious. I actually got out on a ride over the weekend. A true, off-road ride. It was pretty damn cool, both literally and figuratively as it was 22 degrees and snowing lightly at the time I took off and it was a fun ride. I rode the singlespeed and despite the fact that the snow was energy sapping and too deep to clean on a few corners, I rocked up the mountain, which says my indoor roller program is working.

Speaking of the indoor roller program, I was thinking about what my wife sees every morning when she comes downstairs when I am riding my rollers. A big, sweaty, hairy dude on a little road bike riding like some weird hamster on a wheel. My son calls me his "hairy bear" so, I think the picture fits, don't you?

Monday, February 15, 2010

I've been in a blogging funk lately. A lot of my best (blog) ideas come when I ride my bike. Actually ride my bike, not ride the rollers of death. And I said my best ideas, which are not necessarily good ideas...they are at best a Venn diagram, possibly overlapping at some point.

I can't really complain about the rollers of death anymore, they are kind of rollers of inconvenience now, since I don't really ride off of them and I don't feel like puking too much anymore. Riding the rollers of inconvenience isn't as boring as riding a trainer (there still is a bit of excitement when I get close to the edge, almost riding off), but I have to get up early every day to ride them. I rode them the other night with my friend JT, (no, not at the same time, it wasn't some sort of bicycle spooning session), but I'd rather do it in the morning, thus the inconvenience. When I get home at the end of the day, I want to just hang out with my son and wife and not worry about riding. But, since the rollers aren't as exciting as they were in the beginning, meaning there are very few chances of flying off the rollers having a catastrophic crash into the back of the couch, I don't feel like talking about them so much. I don't know why "reporting" on myself looking not unlike a Russian Circus Bear on a tiny bike riding on ice was funny to me, but it was.

I could complain about being able to ride outside and the shitty weather we've had lately, but on Friday there was snow in 49 of the 50 states (lucky bastards in Hawaii...have fun there Princess, you better get on a bike once while you're there), so just about everyone in the country is in the same boat as me. Plus, I can't do a damn thing about the weather. I can do something about my conditioning, my riding gear, my bike, etc., but the weather is not up to me. If it were, it would rain between the hours of midnight and 4 am every day and be 74 degrees for the high and about 55 for the low every day. Sure, it'd be boring to some, but I'd ride every single day.

Of course, if I could ride everyday, I probably bitch about that too, so maybe this weather isn't so bad after all. It makes us appreciate our days we do get to ride now. I just wish it wasn't so long between times of riding outside.

Friday, February 5, 2010

You know, that little rat-bastard-fuck oversize rodent, the groundhog, saw his shadow this week. That means 6 mores weeks of winter. And based on what that bitch Mother Nature did last night, I don't think I'll be riding outside anytime soon. I realize that it is South Dakota and it is winter, but c'mon, a ride or two outside would be pimp. I rode once outside in January. ONCE. That's BULLSHIT.

The rollers of death have been acceptable and definitely more acceptable than riding a trainer, but riding outside would be nice. I know when I actually get to ride outside, it will be that much more sweet, but riding the road to nowhere kinda sucks. Kinda like a gerbil on a wheel. Not much unlike that bastard Puxatawney Phil.

But, I'll keep riding the rollers of death. The podcasts I watch while riding give me a workout that isn't much different from modern medieval torture, like the rack. Feeling like I'm gonna puke, pass-out, shit my pants, or maybe even die when I am done with my ride is the norm. And I am doing this for good reason. I had a dream the other night that we (Teamfubar or the modern variant of it) got 2nd place at the 24 Hours of Moab. What a glorious, beautiful, terrifying, freaky nightmarish dream.

If we're going to even think about finishing, much less 2nd place, I better get my bubblegum ass pedaling...