Thursday, August 27, 2009

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis,the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

Thursday, August 20, 2009

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to ayoung mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during thedescent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly aspossible.The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantlyoffered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh,that's a good looking baby..and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said thatthe time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby'sears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashionexclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Monday, August 17, 2009

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS........... YEP! I QUALIFY - How about You?

Thanks to Tony for sharing this!

Update: As noted, the above was forwarded to me via e-mail. There was no attribution. I have received a comment from a person who says she is the author and that copyright notice needs to be displayed. Therefore, here is her info: "c2003 Linda S Amstutz. You can read more by this author at http://anotherlinda.blogspot.com".

My apologies to her that I didn't know of her existence, her authorship, etc.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania ..

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway..

It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob Hill brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty Hill and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.

Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob Hill both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The following were forwarded to me as real notes written by parents in the (xxx) school district.Spellings have been left intact. (There are a few words I wouldn't have used on a post but these are exactly as received.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot..

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines..

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

Sunday, July 12, 2009

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my penis."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now SIR!!! You' ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said ...

Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "The good news is you've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, and better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in this. Making decisions together will help you through this tough time."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I had read this before; perhaps you have also. I received it this week from Jane and from Diane and, since it's so funny, decided to post it.

----------------

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends, Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the following week, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, surprise!!

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want.'

So, here I am!"

* * * * * * * *

Thanks to Gene for this one. To read another funny one from Gene, go here.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office.

The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?'

So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. '

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Friday, May 1, 2009

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he hasbreathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an oldbriefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work.....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink"

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

==========

Customer: I have problems printing in red....

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah...thank you.

==========

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

==========

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

==========

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

==========

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

==========

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program!

Customer: Oh, sorry.Internet Explorer..

==========

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

==========

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

==========

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer..

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

==========

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Saturday, March 28, 2009

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their rear ends to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Doggone right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the **** floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. What the ****?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9, When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to think of a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

Monday, March 9, 2009

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'