Have deets before you break news

September 15, 2006|By Gina B. GINA B. IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have knowledge--concrete knowledge, not idle gossip or hearsay--about the significant other of a good friend?

You know something really salacious and scandalous, something that, if your friend were privy to the information, would cause her to immediately end the relationship? What do you do?

You could tell your friend, or you could let her find out on her own.

It's a terrible decision to have to make, isn't it? There are a lot of factors to weigh, and good cases can be made for either blowing the whistle or for keeping quiet.

Of course, I always say that if it were me, I would want to know. And I make sure my friends know that, if in doubt, they should always tell me. I appreciate advance warning about certain things--drug abuse, violent tendencies, secret sexual preferences, a penchant for womanizing, etc.

It would be extremely upsetting to later realize that my friends knew all along, but didn't let me in on the secrets of my own relationship.

Most people claim that they would want to know, but honestly, most really don't.

As the messenger, a person always runs the risk of ruining a friendship by being the bearer of bad news. Especially when you don't have first-hand information, which I learned the hard way.

Many years ago, I believed I was doing a friend a favor when I told her that her boyfriend was rumored to have another girlfriend. I honestly thought she would take in the information knowing that I had her best interest in mind.

Her reaction was a bit different than I envisioned. Instead of being grateful that I was such a good friend, she accused me of trying to ruin her wonderful relationship because I was jealous. According to her, I wanted her boyfriend for myself, and I was trying to find a way to come between them.

We didn't talk for a long time after that. Sometime after their breakup, we were able to be friends again.

But I learned to keep my damn mouth shut.

There are a lot of things to consider when making the decision to rat on a friend's significant other. Let's decide if what you're talking about is even worth repeating. A couple's relationship shouldn't be affected by third-party opinions, so make sure it's something big before deciding to tell.

- Did you see the activity yourself, or did you hear from a friend of a friend of a cousin of a co-worker? Don't ruin a relationship over a stupid rumor.

- Do you know that what you've witnessed is not allowed within the confines of their commitment?

- Was she having an innocent lunch with a friend? Some couples are not averse to open relationships.

- Have you thought about the repercussions? What will your friend do with the information? Will he/she break up with the person, or will their significant other, when confronted, find a way to turn your friend against you? And are you OK with possibly losing this friend?

It's not an easy dilemma. My friend, Kelly, once came up with a great solution. She suggested that if I had a friend who I had to warn about a potentially damaging situation--without negative consequences--I should send a typewritten, anonymous note suggesting they investigate the matter.

Whether the tip is anonymous or overt, I'd still rather know. I'm going to assume that my friends have my best interests at heart.