I rate every animal

Tag Archives: mud turtle

This week, we here at Rate Every Animal turn our attention to a turtle whose name is mud: the mud turtle. It is not made of mud. It does not prey upon mud. It got its name by losing a wager that it could make that jump. The mud turtle made the fatal mistake of forgetting that it can’t make any jump.

Special powers

It plays this low-key, but the mud turtle is super-strong.

Here is a photograph of it lifting a log several times its size off the ground with one claw. It’s a little hard to see at this angle.

The mud turtle can never get lost. It is its own home.

Weaknesses

The mud turtle can’t make any jump.

Also, it suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or S.O.-S.A.D., which requires the use of a special lamp to effectively manage. Just ask anyone who keeps the mud turtle as a pet; they’ll confirm the use of such equipment.

Number of legs

Four.

Varieties

The mud turtle is not one unified species. The creatures under the mud turtle umbrella include:

The Tabasco mud turtle: The spicy one.

The striped mud turtle: The striped one.

The scorpion mud turtle: The mutant one.

The Durango mud turtle: A truck.

The Alamos mud turtle: The forgotten one.[1]

Wikipedia quote in which turkey cold cuts are a last resort

“As pets they are easy to care for, readily eating commercial turtle foods, feeder fish, worms, or if all else fails, turkey cold cuts. They tend to have ornery yet strangely endearing personalities and enjoy sunning themselves more than other mud turtles.”

This does not mean that the striped mud turtle suns itself more frequently. What it means is that all mud turtles sun themselves, but only the striped mud turtle really gets it, man. It appreciates sunning itself on another level.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

The mud turtle is under the protection of Mark Trail.

What if it fought a bear?

The mud turtle can’t even jump. It’s nowhere near nimble enough to take on a bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The mud turtle is a ponderous, sad creature, but a sturdy, gentle one. It resides in its own living house of bones. That’s pretty metal. Even if it weren’t, I couldn’t risk inciting the wrath of Mark Trail.