Beyonce, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer international pop star. According to MediaTakeout, Simon Cowell has allegedly begun courting Beyonce as a replacement judge for The X Factor; the exit of Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger has left two open chairs in the show’s panel (right next to L.A. Reid), and Simon desperately wants a big name to fill them. Don’t get us wrong. We can certainly believe that Simon would want Beyonce on the show. They could just train the camera on Bey for two hours and we’re pretty sure no one would complain. Or even miss the contestants.

No, the bigger question mark in our minds has to do with how much Simon is allegedly offering Beyonce to get her on board: $500 million, or $100 million per year for a five season commitment. You guys. That is all the money. That is literally all the money our brains can comprehend. The American financial system would revolve entirely around how gently Beyonce can let down a pitchy, blubbering teenager. No word on whether Bey will accept the offer, but, now that we think about it…that isn’t the worst idea we’ve heard for stimulating the economy.

Paula Abdul, we can barely remember a time when you weren’t gently crushing people’s dreams on TV somewhere. Don’t make us go back to those dark days! Unfortunately, it’s official: Paula, fellow judge Nicole Scherzinger and host Steve Jones will not be returning for The X-Factor‘s second season, leaving Simon Cowell and L.A. Reid as the only returning castmembers. “Yes, it’s true; I won’t be returning to The X Factor next season. I’ve learned through my longevity in this industry that business decisions often times override personal considerations,” Abdul said as part of a statement this afternoon. Oh, how it hurts! Like they’re canceling Hey Paula all over again!

So who should take over for Paula and Nicole when it comes to dismissing mediocre 13-year-olds next fall? Luckily there were plenty of names thrown around last year as potential judges that we think would still be a perfect fit. All we need is the sweet, vaguely maternal judge (Mariah Carey, finally?), a judge who weeps uncontrollably (Jessica Simpson?) and an attractive if somewhat robotic British host (C-3PO?). While some of these options might seem like a pipe dreams (C-3P0 hasn’t worked in years), we wouldn’t be surprised if Simon managed to land some impressively big talent for the show. Who do you think should fill Paula and Nicole’s shoes on the show?

People need to chill the *beep* out.Â Paula AbdulÂ andÂ Nicole ScherzingerÂ voted off The X Factor favorite Drew RyniewiczÂ and the reaction is downright scary. Fans have lashed out at both of them on Twitter and Facebook with violent abusive messages. The’ve been coming in waves and Paula and Nicole are, understandably, worried that someone will act upon the death threats. We have a feeling security’s going to get beefed up on the show very quickly.

Oh boy. You know how you always have one friend at the party who’s like, “Woooo hoooo! I’m so wasted!” before falling down the basement steps, and then later you find out she was actually drinking your grandma’s O’Douls? Former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi’s pot brownie story makes her that friend for Paula Abdul. On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara copped to eating some special brownies she found in Paula’s freezerÃ¢â‚¬Â¦not that she knew what was in them! “There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, ‘heeeey, what’s going on?’” DioGuardi says. “I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, ‘I ate too much.’ And the ambulance comes and is like, ‘this b—h is as high as a kite.’” Why do we get a feeling that Kara tells this story at every party she goes to?

According to Kara, she spent three days in the hospital with hallucinations, which if true explains everything we know about Paula up to his date.Ã‚Â “The maid took them out, she was in the hospital, I had six, I almost died,” she claims, while Paula maintains that a “friend” must have left them in her fridge. Two things: first of all, if someone ate six of our brownies, no matter what kind they were, she’d be going to the hospital either way. Second of all, whaaaaa?

Make-out sesh! Unfortunately this isn’t Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell getting together, as we have always hoped for them. This very staged photo was taken at the reception for the first round of auditions of the U.S. version of The X-Factor, which Paula has signed on for. And since the show is Cowell’s baby, that means Paula and Simon are back together bay-bee! Reunited! This also means that Paula is going to be a judge again. Feel absolutely free to insert your own joke here. Paula, as expected, had a bit of an embarrassing moment with her skirt and a gust of wind while walking in, but you’re going to have to look through our gallery for that one!

Simon confirmed the news (in a very sweet statement) saying, “This show would never have been the same without Paula and I can’t believe I am saying this, [but] I have missed her a lot, and I am thrilled she’s on the show.” Forget Paula… we’ve missed you, Simon! Paula returned the favor stating, “…I’m also delighted and grateful to be sitting next to Simon again…but you might want to check back with me in a week or two!” So there you have it, the judges panel of the U.S. version of The X-Factor is now complete with Paula and Simon rounding off L.A. Reid and Cheryl Cole with Nicole Scherzinger and Steve Jones co-hosting. As planned, Paula and Simon sat next to each other during the auditions, and all was right with the universe again.

Despite rumors that Nicole Scherzinger and Nicki Minaj would judge on The X Factor, Simon Cowell‘s other singing competition that he’s importing to the U.S. this fall, Cowell has revealed his choices for judges and it doesn’t include the Pussycat Doll or the “Pink Friday” singer. In an interview with Deadline.com, Cowell revealed that the X Factor judges include L.A. Reid, UK pop star Cheryl Cole and Paula Abdul. And of course as it was reported earlier, Mariah Carey will participate in the show as a judge of the judges—we’re unclear exactly what she’ll be doing, but we imagine she’ll Skype in from her glitter and rainbow nursery while tending to the twins. Or something.

Cowell explained his choices and said of Cole, “This girl is special. She’s just got a great ability to communicate. She’s a great judge. She’s smart. It’s just a hunch. If people take to her like the British public did, I think she’s going to do really well in America.” And as for Abdul, though her contract isn’t signed, Cowell speaks fondly of her and seems extremely hopeful about getting her on the show. “I’ve always wanted Paula. Always been very vocal about that. I missed her the second she left the show. Always loved working with her even though she can be a pain. And I’ve been consistent about this. I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know what it is about her, but I’ve always clicked with her.Ã‚Â You just have to get that chemistry, and she’s right.”

Simon + Paula 4eva! We knew those two couldn’t stay away from each other for long! Reid is the one judge whose contract has been signed, sealed and delivered for ages now, and as the former chairman of Island Def Jam, he’s obviously got the talent-scouting chops. The show will debut in September.

Aww, we miss Paula so much. For all of Steven Tyler’s American Idol inappropriateness, neither he nor J.Lo have ever seemed like they might have flown here from some alternate dimension filled with double rainbows and free Lunesta prescriptions. Not so Paula Abdul, who says she sleeps standing up with her eyes open. “I sleep standing up sometimes,” Paula said in an interview. “I’ve been sleeping against a wall and I never fully close my eyes so it freaks people out. My eyes are always kind of open,” which just fits so perfectly with everything else we know about her.

Explained the Live To Dance judge to Access Hollywood, “I fell asleep at an awards show when I got an award and my manager at the time let me just be asleep so that I could be on the jumbotron. But I only require a few hours of sleep. Lately it’s been two or three.” The rest of the night she practices elaborate tap-dance choreography with DJ Scat Cat! Paula did admit that Simon Cowell tried to make a move on her while they manned the AI panel, a fact that might make it awkward if Paula gets hired on Cowell’s X-Factor. “[Simon] did try to swap spit once,” Paula claimed. “He’s done it a few times.” If that’s not enough to rob you of the ability to sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time, well, then we don’t know what is!

As anyone who has seen Paula Abdul on TV can attest, the former American Idol judge has, at times, appeared to hit the bottle—booze or pill, take your pick. But in an interview with CBS this weekend, Paula opened up about her loopiness, defending herself against claims that she’s a drunk or a dummy. Paula says that it’s the misconception that she’s not intelligent that hurts the most. She says “Having a brain—that’s a concept, yes, with Paula Abdul. I have a brain.” She then discusses the fact that she isn’t a user or abuser, saying “I’ve never been drunk in my life. I don’t use recreational drugs.” See, she is smart. A dumb person wouldn’t qualify what kind of substances they use, so at least she’s open to admitting that she uses other kinds of non-recreational drugs. Check out the video and tell us what you think: is Paula just naturally “goofy”, or is she artificially enhanced?

Aw, we didn’t realize how we much missed her beautiful crazy mug until we saw the trailer for Paula Abdul’s Live To Dance, premiering January 4. The fact her show seems to take place in the Thunderdome from Mad Max is just the cherry on top of the tap-dancing sundae! We know what you’re saying. Another dance show? Aren’t there a million of them already? Yes, and we want more! More!

Live seems like it has all the cheesy dance-show cliches that we need to survive the new year. Dancer riding a tricycle? Check. Inspiring 80-something grandma in a leotard and sequined blazer? Check. What appears to be a zombie break-dancing troupe? Check and check! The only way this show would be better is if the name was changed to Dance To Live and it actually did take place in a futuristic distopia where Paula decided whether you survived based on your “unique ability” to be a hip-hop-dancing toddler. We don’t need another clog-dancing hero, you guys!

In news that will no doubt make Simon Cowell’s Christmas, a Christian group is comparing him to Jesus Christ. Yes, that Jesus Christ. Maybe they thought X-Factor was short for Christ-Factor.Ã‚Â Re, the official magazine ofÃ‚Â the Assemblies of God church,Ã‚Â claims that Cowell’s no-nonsense tough-love style is very similar to the way Christ would have behaved. We can only imagine how this makes Paula Abdul feel.

“Jesus, the one we think of as being meek and mild, gentle and loving and full of compassion, had the ability to talk tough,” explains the faith based periodical. “Some of his words were upsetting and difficult to swallow – just like Cowell’s – but he spoke truth and doesn’t the truth hurt sometimes?Ã‚Â Simon Cowell takes, learns from them and grows in the process, and there are numerous stories in the Bible of people who do the same.”Ã‚Â Wow, well thank goodness he’s using his powers for good! Think of all the gifts Simon has given us:Ã‚Â Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson, and Susan Boyle, just to name a few. But then again, he did spring William Hung on an unsuspecting world. The Simon works in cruel and mysterious ways.