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Thursday, February 28, 2013

So today was the final day in the eight year reign of Pope Benedict XVI, and along with a bitchin' new pad down at the nun's living quarters he gets a new name: Emeritus Pope Benedict. And although he leaves under a veil of suspicion surrounding some seemingly sinister secrets leaked by his former papal butler, and with the distinction of being an ex-nazi child molestation advocate, he does not leave with an unparalleled level of lewdness for Popes in general. Tonight we take a quick look at the Catholic church's long legacy of perverted and lustful Popes.

Pope Leo VII (d. 939 CE), having served only three short years as Pope back in the crazy no-holds-barred years of the 10th century, died doing what he loved most. To be more specific, he died while fornicating. There is very little by way of details regarding his death for a variety of reasons including a lack of reputable and critical outside journalism during those days, and also because the church doesn't fucking want you to know about all the fucking they have been fucking around with when they judge everyone else for their own habits regarding fucking. That's a lot of fucking. And it doesn't stop there.

The 10th century was somewhat of a golden age for fornicating and adulterous Popes. In fact there are two other Popes that both died the same way and for the same reason. Pope John XII (d. 964 CE) and Pope John XIII (d. 972 CE) both met their end at the bludgeoning hands of jealous husbands who objected to the papal pumpin' that was being "thrust upon" their wives. One wonders why when the church suffers the indignity of a sex scandal resulting in the murder of their Pope, that they then elect another Pope who decides to call himself BY THE SAME NAME less than a decade later, and then they are surprised when he has the same penchant for boning other men's wives! Wonders never cease.

But my favorite fallen Pope is the last on my list, Pope Paul II (d. 1471 CE). This guy was WAY ahead of his time, and would have fit in with the modern church quite nicely. He didn't have problems "coveting" his neighbor's wife, oh no. He wasn't sent to meet his maker in the throes of passion with a forbidden mistress. And there was no shameful political secret that drove him from the ranks of the holy. Pope Paul II had a heart attack while on the receiving end of a particularly enthusiastic page boy sodomy session. Maybe this is why the Catholic church is so slow to remedy the problem of child diddling within their circle. They have a long rich history of shameful sexual practices by their #1 guy that FAR overshadow some hasty groping and kiddie fucking by some lowly priests and bishops. In the eyes of papal history these neo-pedophiles are simply amateurs in the most common of the deadly sins. Lust.

Monday, February 25, 2013

It was an uncharacteristically overcast day in the desert. I had whittled down my meager belongings even further to just clothes, a wristwatch, and the money. All could be contained neatly and dryly in some jumbo sealable plastic bags and tied to my belt to ensure I didn't spill thousands of dollars into the Rio Grande.

Now that the liquor was bleeding from my system it seemed like a fucking ridiculous idea. And considering that my abandoned car was cleared from the crossing, the police might have full knowledge that I was attempting to flee the country and would be ready to scoop me out of the water and into custody to face trial. I wish I had my gun back. It was stupid to throw it in the gutter like that. At least I could have used it to force the police to kill me instead of arresting me. But the time for doubt was gone, and so I wrapped my cash in a dirty motel towel and stuffed it in a plastic bag, then marched out the door and into the busy street.

I walked for about twenty minutes until I was out of sight of the crossing and away from the majority of the traffic. The river was about sixty yards across, and the opposite shore was spattered with mexicans staring out at their freedom. This was both reinsuring and ominous. Clearly there was no one posted to stop them from swimming across, but on the other hand, why were they waiting? Surely these men, all my age or younger and with bodies hardened by years of manual labor, could easily swim the distance far easier than I could, and yet they do not. With these thoughts in my head I sat on a dusty riverside rock and took off my shoes, sealing them in a bag and tying it to my belt.

The men on the other side were interested now, gesturing at me and no doubt discussing the crazy gringo that was obviously about to jump in the fucking river. I waded out into the freezing water and immediately regretted it. But I had no other choice, so I jumped forward into the deeper water.

In my head I was swimming forward, but my eyes seemed to be lying to me and indicating I was swept swiftly downstream. I struggled to keep my head above water as I went, the only thing keeping me afloat was the meager bits of air in the plastic sacks tied to my waist. The water was much faster and stronger than I anticipated, and suddenly I realized I was in deep shit. The cold seized the muscles in my left leg and I took in a deep mouthful of muddy water, swallowing fast to clear the way for a desperate gasp of air only to be cruelly denied by another gulp of wetness. I was in full panic when I lost consciousness.

Friday, February 22, 2013

The private detective with a heart of gold and a body of soup is back and brand new this Thursday!

This week on Soup Dick: Soup Dick is hired to investigate a cheating spouse but stews up more trouble than he can swallow. Can Soup Dick solve The Mystery of The Legless Lover?? It's an Olympic size serving of the simmering sleuth!

Get it while it's hot. Catch Soup Dick Thursdays at 10pm. Only on PITV.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Holy shit! I just got these motherfucking Minecraft Legos, and they are the best fucking thing ever! I figured we didn't have nearly enough Minecraft-related content on here, so bend over and brace your anus, 'cause I'm going in dry!

Look at this majestic bullshit! Let me tell you, these little plastic fuckers are not cheap, but as long as I don't have to blow a hobo to get 'em, I'm jumping on the offer. How much did they cost? Between thirty and two-hundred dollars... But who fucking cares?! MINECRAFT LEGOS MOTHERFUCKER!

I knew you wanted to see some up close cross-section action, you filthy little wench! Well take it all in, because I have the Lego set and YOU don't! How do ya like them apples, bitch?

Fucking run, Steve! RUN! That little creeper bastard is coming to blow your dick off! And what do we have here... Some motherfucking gold just waiting to be mined and turned into a necklace in the shape of scooby-doo for the inner city folks to buy!

And how about the amazing fucking tree here? Who built that beautiful son of a bitch? ME, that's who! Because I went down to the store and awkwardly wandered around the children's toy section until I found the last box of these motherfuckers! Now that I built it I guess I will... break them down again.... and maybe build something as cool as the box art.... or at least try to.... fuck you.

Monday, February 18, 2013

The economy is rough out there. Businesses are closing their doors at an alarming rate, and only those on the cutting edge of financial theory are finding their piece of the ultimate commodity that we call appreciating solvency. The good news is that the answer has been sitting right under our noses since the dawn of mankind. Faith.

That's right. You probably spent countless hours and untold thousands of dollars analyzing market data, consumer confidence, and financial projections just to find your business unable to gain foothold on the slippery slope of success. And for every breakthrough there seems to be two obstacles, like an immortal serpent sprouting heads from every bleeding wound. But mankind has known these struggles before, and has always bested them with the application of a market principle we have named "ignorant certainty". This cultural tool is what motivated entire continents to wage brutal war for generations fueled by nothing more than an imagined sense of superiority and entitlement. The same tool that drove whole civilizations to doom themselves to famine and suffering in the pursuit of the construction of massive monuments to pay tribute to unseen deities. And now that same power that organized millions to move mountains can be yours with a simple call to Faith Based Business Consulting Inc.

But how do we ensure results without evidence? By liquidizing your entire business analytics model and operational computing practices, that's how. For far too long businesses have bowed down to the almighty spreadsheet, trusting it's unreliable, unpredictable, and unresponsive "figures" to drive their investment decisions, turning their backs on the very principle that separated us from the animals and gave humanity a stranglehold on earth. It's time to stop spending money with your brain and start earning money with your heart.

With a simple phone call we will send over one of our licensed analysts to visit your operational facilities and perform a series of meditative sessions and animal sacrifices to ensure you have the best possible options to drive your business forward, covering all facets of your business from staffing to advertising. And the best part is that all costs of implementation are absorbed by the vast savings you will experience by eliminating rational procedural expense optimization efforts, and if you market your new policy of ignorance well enough, your business might even qualify for federal tax-exempt status! There is literally NO downside!

So call us now and we will put you on the same path of historic success that gave us the Roman empire, the pyramids in Egypt, and every war in recorded history... Faith!

The term "faith-based" implies a disregard for normal consulting practices. Any guarantees of success are offered with an assumption of diligent and honest belief in the soundness of the program, and any failures are assumed to be driven by a lack of proper faith. FBBC Inc. denies any wrongdoing or responsibility in the supposed formation of tertiary cult-like organizations that are actively practicing ritualized torture or ethnic cleansing. Due to the open admission of a complete lack of evidence for successful consulting experience FBBC Inc. enjoys immunity from punitive legal pursuits. Because the market works in mysterious ways, believe at your own risk.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Sir Chapsworth completes his beginners luck dash to the end boss. Hamtackle and Terlet end up drinking far too much and lightweight Terlet slurs, whines and screams like a precious drunken baby. Drunker Than Light; Youtube's premiere Faster Than Light drinking game.

Friday, February 15, 2013

We know you love it, so here is another Omegle post! Hot Troll on Troll action! Our responses
are the absurd ones in blue text!

Sometimes I wish there were time stamps on Omegle. The chat below lasted about 20 minutes and it was a very one sided conversation. Each of my comments were about 2 minutes apart. Sometimes patience doesn't pay off.

This is a different kind of Omegle conversation. A third person submits a question and watches 2 other people answer/debate it.

This was my favorite one of the night. Knocked that fucker out of the park!

It said that the other person was typing the entire time, but they never gave me a response. I really wanted to know what they'd prefer.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

It's that time again, when we take to the internets to abuse and disgust strangers on Omegle! So without further ado, I present you with our most recent awkward online conversations. And as always, our responses are the absurd ones in green text!

That went well. I'm pretty sure this was either an incredibly sad obese man or a bot. Here's hoping for the former!

I must admit I didn't expect to get a willing buyer so fast. Now I have this baby all boxed up and waiting for an address to send it to.

God damn it! This guy is probably using a pic of this conversation to leverage his own meaningless and unsatisfying internet fame! No fucking fair, asshole!

Nothing like a manufactured crisis to bring out the best in the online community. Now I need to secure a good lawyer, just to be safe.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hamtackle and Terlet take you on a brief tour of their latest Grinder Tower before gathering their muskets and hunting Hitler. After that is something truly terrible. I mean, really messed up. So extremely politically incorrect it will make you vomit with rage. No, I'm serious. It's F'd up. Continued classiness...

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Have you heard about Kim Jung-un? What!? Of
course you have, Kim Jong-un is a great leader! The absolute greatest of
leaders! He is also one of the finest specimens of masculinity to ever
grace the earth. He is fucking majestic and mythical, like a unicorn....
no.. better yet, like a motherfucking Manticore! A lion's bodywith a
human head!

He could also be a noble Centaur. The body of a horse with the torso of a man. There is no sexier animal than a horse and there is no sexier man than Kim Jong-un. It all makes sense... The strength, the majesticness, the silky mane. Could you imagine if he let you ride him? Oh, what dreams, what dreams I have!!

The most likely scenario is that he is probably a Titan! A true giant of a man. A god like powerhouse of lava and fire! I bet they have to use some of those Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings, forced perspective techniques when filming him. Everyone has to walk on stilts to keep up the illusion. I heard he once ate an entire village of traitors in one afternoon! His hunger, much like his patriotism and power, are boundless.

They claim that North Korea set off another nuke recently, but that was just a cover. North Korea does not want the world to know that the tremors were actually caused by Kim Jong-un exploring the limits of his martial arts abilities. The explosion was caused by Kim punching the ground at half power. One day he will use his Kryptonian abilities to right all the wrongs of the world. But for now he must be careful when handling anything delicate. His slightest twitch could crush an adoring baby like crepe paper.

Monday, February 11, 2013

The vatican is defending against various allegations of wrongdoing and intrigue as pope Benedict XVI announced he plans to resign at the end of this month from the most holy of positions within the catholic church this morning. The historic decision is far from routine as the last papal resignation occurred nearly 600 years ago, and comes after an 8 year reign that many are calling "disastrous". And with record declines in mass attendance and an overall abandonment of belief, paired with worldwide controversy over child abuse sandals and alleged coverups that are being tracked all the way to Benedict himself, the conspiracy theories are piling up.

The church issued a public statement to the vatican press that immediately dismissed speculation that Benedict was pressured to resign in favor of a pope with a "less terrifying smile", perhaps less reminiscent of a bloodthirsty undead leper. And the wild speculation does not end there.

An anonymous insider source was quoted to have evidence that Benedict was involved in the tracking and attempted acquisition of a famous holy artifact, the arc of the covenant. In an interview transcript released this afternoon the source alleges that Benedict laid claim to "intimate knowledge of nazi wartime research detailing the whereabouts of the most powerful military technology ever devised, the divine gift of the arc itself." And having failed to produce evidence to satisfy doubts within the structure of the church, was ushered out amid a smokescreen of medical reasons for his resignation. As of yet there has been no official response from the vatican on this matter.

Regardless of the reasoning for his premature departure, the world now awaits one of the most celebrated bureaucratic selection processes the world has ever produced: the papal conclave. For those unfamiliar with the ceremony from the April 2005 election that produced Benedict XVI, much ritualistic splendor is to be admired by the outside world. The college of cardinals will convene at the basilica of St. Peter to meet behind closed doors to operate the grand ouija, a lavishly decorated divination tool that requires the full effort and concentration of no less than 43 of the most decorated and trusted cardinals within the church. The men all struggle to force the pointer to spell out their own names, often resulting in many useless strings of nonsensical letters that are dismissed as "interference of the serpent" and causing delays that can grow to weeks of near constant debate and pleading.

Then after a legible name is either agreed upon (or more likely stumbled upon), the moment is communicated to the outside world by way of a small column of colored smoke spouted from the roof of the church. Then the race is afoot to find the new pope and promote him to the the closest position to god possible by mortal man, often complicated by the likelihood of other religious affiliation by the new appointee. But the church has never yet failed to convert or convince the new pope to accept the nomination, commonly through financially persuasive methods.

So the hunt begins to find the next person to wield the ridiculously lofty claims of infallibility and divine communication. Perhaps this time the pope will use this power to lead the masses from their lowly depths of ignorance and intolerance, and eliminate corruption and human rights abuses that occur both around the world and within the core of their very own institution. Or perhaps they will continue to lead the catholic church into increased irrelevance, lost in the shadow of the memory of a once-powerful institution. Either way, non-believers everywhere get to enjoy a world bereft of a figurehead that insists they speak directly to, and for, god himself. However briefly.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sir Chapsworth, playing the game for the first time, continues his beginners luck battle to the end boss. With Hamtackle's coaching of course. Terlet is drunk, angry and adorable. The booze continues to be Miller Light, Jager and cheap whiskey. Except for Sir Chaps who is tipping back cider from a dainty glass, pinky extended.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Greeting! I am observed you radio television transmissions. I reach to you from out at stars. Far from you and you them. I listen learn observe. I listen learn observe at YOU. I am of benevolent culture. You am not happy with you life. You lack a life mate. I aspire to make you happy. I help obtain life mate for you.

Interpretation of you radio television transmissions have determined perfect life mate for you species. I have can construct perfect .... Lady.... for you. You culture determine construction parameters. 10 primary parameters outlined as so...

I translated transmissions correctly and constructed you insatiable life mate. Nothing can detract her from mating on you. She is vastly powerful mate wanting carry you offspring. She is complete. She is at you home now. Let mating commence! Happy you will be!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Cards Against Humanity, for those unfamiliar, is a game for three or more people in which one dealer selects a black card with some offensive or ridiculous scenario on it and requires each player to supplement the joke by adding one or more of their individully-dealt white cards. Hilarity ensues. But since I have the game but no friends or family that can stand to be in a room with me long enough to play it, I have manually paired up some cards to find chuckle-worthy combinations. Enjoy!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Well, isn't this great? Hitler has decided to move into the neighborhood. Terlet and Hamtackle welcome their new neighbor in the appropriate fashion, with vandalism. But does that tricky Nazi bastard have another trick up his sleeve? Hmmmmm??

Music by Kevin MacLeod http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/ and Richard Wagner

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Salvador lives to create art. He is a true master. Everyday Salvador musters all of his willpower and creates something beautiful. A work of precision and beauty, art that transcends genre and twists at man's primal heart strings. This is excessively surprising because Salvador is not a conventional artist. He is student of the fecal arts.

Yes, that's right. Salvador uses BM as his medium, his palette covered in poo. He is a visionary. Take this piece for example. He calls it the "Incredible Edible Man". Many of Salvador's sculptures require constant misting or the patina may crack. He always has a mist child on hand at every exhibit. Exquisite.

This painting is entitled "Finger Licking" and it is made entirely of smears of bottom butter. The piece of fried chicken looks absolutely delicious. The meat is steaming and falling off the bone. Do you see how Salvador consumes different foods to obtain a varying hue of dung colors? For the white, he ate white paint. Simply genius.

Salvador does not stray from any artistic endeavor. He is so brilliant, that he makes himself part of the exhibit, a personal touch to an already breathtaking work.. He would be honored if you would experience it. He calls it "Airline Toilet Poetry Jam Surprise". It is something everyone should try. Let Salvador regale you with his political poetry as you relieve
yourself of your earthly fouls.

Salvador is gentle. Salvador is
brilliant. Salvador is art. See Salvador for yourself and be
inspired! Salvador! Art from his inside, out!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Sis, we growed up together, always side by side. Whether on the playground or in the washin' tub, we always had each other's backs. Now that we are of breedin' age I figured we should do the responsible thing and make it official, so this Valentine's day I just wanted to ask... Will you be mine?

Don't listen to them other boys that make fun and say mean things, since they is just angry cuz their sisters are just big and fat, and Billy's sister gots an eyepatch for life and I herd she ain't got no eye under there. But you is just as purdy as any girl up in these hills and yer face reminds me of momma before she was kilt in that trailer fire three harvests ago. Plus we can always be together since we already livin' in the same barn and such, and you know how hard a worker I am cuz I take care of all the sheeps while you are off gettin' schoolin'. And you gonna be happy that I found out what was makin' by mouth stink so bad, and once daddy gets my tooth gone my breath is gonna be right again.

Now I know daddy gonna be right angry when he finds out that we gettin' all close like, especially since he been makin' eyes at you since momma died, but I know we can tell him how much we love each other and he will understand. After all, he and grandad had the same talk when he an' momma run off and got married cuz they was brother and sister before they was husband and wife. But we gots to take it slow like, and only be foolin' around (no kissin') until daddy gives us his blessing. So I'm gonna be a real gentleman until you get fond of me like a boyfriend instead of just a brother, starting with this poem:

The tractor is red,
The sheeps is mostly yella,
So what do you say, sis?
Can I be yer fella?

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Welcome back to Drunker Than Light! Sir Chapsworth, with Hamtackle's coaching and Terlet's negative reinforcement, inadvertently present a tutorial on how to get to the end boss of FTL on your first try. Beginner's luck at it's finest. Hamtackle and Terlet are suckin' down Miller Light, Jager and cheap whiskey. Sir Chaps is nursing cider like a thirsty grandma. Continued classiness...

Saturday, February 2, 2013

It's finally here! The season 2 premiere of Steaming Pile! Terlet and Hamtackle have been busy in the off time and they have a bunch of crap to show off. Plus, a mysterious man has moved into the neighborhood. Is he friend or foe! All this and more on Steaming Pile!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Hey! You got eye problems, friend? Cuz you been giving me the stinkeye from across the bar for long enough to get on my nerves, mister! Fortunately for you I am in a pretty good mood today, so if you spit out a few apologies I might let you out of this place with all your teeth. So what's it gonna be? Swallow your pride or swallow your blood?

Oh, we've got ourselves a tough guy here, eh? Just cuz you are a foot taller than me doesn't mean I won't beat the everloving shit out of the unconscious sausage sack you call a body! See these shoes? One size twelve and one size ten... The last guy that gave me a look like that took home two of my boot sizes up his turd-cutter!

Whoa! Don't put your semen-soiled hands on me! You know, if your momma fought like that she would have been able to fend off that homeless gypsy rapist that you call a father! And then where would you be? Boiling in some dna soup inside a hobo's sweaty danglers, that's where! Now either sit the fuck down or take that first step towards becoming a Stephen Hawking impersonator! I'll tell you what... Buy me a few beers and I won't make you toss my peanut butter salad in front of your lady friend, alright?

Ah, I see. You think that pouring a beer over my head is enough to scare me off! Well I'm made of tougher stuff, asshole! I've been in the fucking streets, man! Back in the hood in Omaha we used to butt-pound punks like you and throw the dripping leftover filth into the gutters to rot! Now go grab me some towels from the bartender and we'll call it even, unless you still want to make the mistake of a lifetime... Well, DO ya?

Hey! Hey! What's with all the aggression, dude? I didn't do shit to you and you think it's cool to just punch me in the fucking nose? Look at this shit! I'm fucking bleeding here! Oh man, you don't know how lucky you are that I was "born again" after my last run-in with a knucklehead like you... I'm a better person now that I am saved, and I might actually feel bad if I kicked your ass into some kind of unnatural retard coma or something! Now let's put this bullshit behind us and if you pay the drycleaning bill to get the blood out of my jacket then we're cool, alright?

What? There's no way I'm gonna suck your dick in front of all these people! You have got to be shitting me! I mean, the only reason you are still standing right now is because I have the decency to let you keep that ugly head on your shoulders! Whatever, dude. I am fucking out of here. Get the fuck out of my way... Oh, not gonna let me leave? Do you know what you are getting yourself into? Look. I'm gonna do you a big fucking favor right now. I'm gonna do the christian thing and turn the other cheek, and save myself the guilt of nearly killing you. Now unzip your pants and let's get this over with...