John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Dealing with not being notified and not being able to attend the funeral or memorial. (Published 10/29/2013)

Q:

When my father died, I didn't find out until 2 months later. My stepmother said that she couldn't find our (my sister and me) address information. I can't help but feel like we were robbed. We didn't get to see him one last time before he died. We didn't get to go to the funeral. Now I've lost contact with my stepmother and 2 brothers and cant seem to get in touch with them again. I can't help but feel that my sister and I have been "written off". It has been 2 years since our father died. Shouldn't I be over this by now?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Catherine,

Thanks for your note and question.

We certainly agree with you that you were “robbed” robbed of all the things you mentioned—the chance to see your father and talk to him before he died, and the opportunity to attend a funeral or memorial service.

And as far as we’re concerned, there aren’t any good reasons for that information and availability to be withheld from you, no matter what your relationship is/was with your stepmother.

While all of that is true, we want to address the issue in your question, “It has been 2 years since our father died, shouldn't I be over this by now?”

If we had to guess what is the most frequent question we get about grief, it is those that presume that “time would heal” a broken heart. In your question, the idea is that within two years, something should have had lifted, including the pain or other feelings about your father.

In addition to the time problem, there's also the issue of the “be over,” or “getting over” when someone important to us has died. Being over or getting over implies forgetting, and you are never going to forget your father. And since you won’t forget him, there will always be some feelings about him and your relationship with him.

The key to grief recovery is for you to discover and complete what is left emotionally unfinished for you. That includes the unfortunate facts about not being notified or being able to see him before he died. And within your relationship with your father, we’d guess that you have some issues about him marrying your stepmother who we imagine you might have struggled with even long before your father died.

To help you get emotionally complete with your father and everything that did and didn’t happen, we suggest that you go to the library or book store and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. As you read it and take the actions it suggests, you'll begin to sense a shift and begin to feel more emotionally complete. With that, you’ll be able to move forward in your life.

As to having been “written off”: That may be true, and if it is, you can apply the principles and actions in the book to help you deal with the people you believe have done that.