Saturday, December 24, 2016

We interrupt this vacation to welcome 2 new characters to the pages of Dr. Grumpy:

Garlic and Onion!

These are a pair of 7 year-old brother-sister litter mates who have never been separated. Their previous owner was unable to keep them and took them to a rescue, and now they've joined us. We only went to look at one, but taking them both was part of the deal, and how could we resist?

We have no real idea what they are, besides totally awesome dogs.

Mello is doing fine with them.

Remember, if you're looking for a great family friend this holiday, contact a rescue or humane society near you.

Friday, December 16, 2016

With the end of the year coming, we all know what that means: hanging out with friends, eating enormous amounts of food, and watching football. Those bowl games are right around the corner.

Of course, these are your friends coming over, so you want the best for game day: Beer, chips, and uh, I guess more beer.

But are your friends the discerning type who insist on high quality? The kind of connoisseurs who prefer Keystone beer to Budweiser? The epicurean master foodies who, after 4-5 cans of shitty reasonably priced brews will know the difference between Tostitos, Doritos, and the generic store-brand?

If so, then you need to serve them something truly special!

For only $56 you can get a delectable box of St. Erik's chips, made by the Swedish brewery.

Yeah, I said $56 bucks.

Featuring ingredients like truffle seaweed, Ammarnäs potatoes, Matsutake mushrooms, crown dill, and Leksand onions, these are the chips that are guaranteed to turn your beer-swilling gathering of buddies into an Edwardian soirée that will be talked about for years.

In case I didn't mention it, what you see above is exactly what you get: each $56 box contains only 5 chips, one in each flavor.

Yep. You read that correctly.

So this works out to $11.20 per chip. Plan accordingly as to how many boxes you'll need.

Friday, December 9, 2016

Life is full of tough decisions, especially when you have $85 to blow. What should you spend it on?

Like most people, you're probably thinking "if only there was a decent rock in a leather half-pouch I can get for only $85, but I can't find one."

Fortunately, Nordstrom has heard your cries, and is now selling exactly that: a solid rock, found somewhere in the Los Angeles area, and lovingly sewn into a leather case.

"You're shitting me, right?"

Order it here. The possibilities are endless! You (or the lucky recipient) can use this $85-rock-in-a-half-leather-case as a paperweight, doorstop, or artistic commentary on sado-masochism's relationship to classical philosophy's effects on the fabric of human relationships.

And, best of all, when someone asks "What did you get for Christmakuh?" You can say...

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Keeping you up to date on the world around you, we at the Grumpy Neurological Emporium news division strive to bring you the most important stories.

Dateline: Florida.

A car with 4 days of parking tickets all over the windshield was found to have a dead body inside, slumped over the steering wheel. The unfortunate man had apparently died of natural causes shortly after getting into his vehicle.

The city of Fort Lauderdale has kindly agreed to dismiss the accumulated parking fines due to "extenuating circumstances."

Dateline: Oregon

Craig Buckner, after being arrested on drug charges (he'd fallen asleep while waiting outside a courtroom on other charges and was drug tested - I swear) was worried about his pet parrot's well-being. This is understandable, as the bird (imaginatively named "Bird") had been left outside the building in a tree.

Mr. Buckner was allowed to retrieve Bird the bird, but then Bird refused to be separated from him when they took the mugshot. After a few attempts officers decided to wing it, and snapped the picture anyway:

(Photo: Multnomah County Sheriff's Office via AP)

Dateline: Florida (again)

Unidentified burglars climbed over a backyard fence at night, hoping to break into a house. Due to them failing to scope out the area in advance, they landed on top of the owner's beehive, knocking it over.

The occupants were buzzing mad about beeing woken up, and chased away the evildoers.

Local hospitals have been asked to bee on the lookout for anyone coming in with an unusual number of stings.

Yes, now you can smell holiday-fresh EVERYWHERE (and I mean everywhere). But you better hurry, because this cosmetic necessity is only available until December 23.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! If having an invigoratingly holiday-smelling rectum isn't enough for you, you can now get mulled spice scented toilet bleach! Just in case Santa needs to use the john and puts his head below the rim to make sure you're on his nice list.

And (I SWEAR!) this toilet bleach is not only scented, but the site says it's safe for use by vegetarians and vegans.

Friday, December 2, 2016

And today I suspect a lot of seismic activity in the middle east is caused by him spinning rapidly in his grave. Because this is the man who, over roughly 1500 years, became Santa Claus in Western culture, appearing in shopping malls, used car lots, TV specials, Viagra commercials, movies, condom ads, and heaven knows what else.

I think Nikolaos would be pretty horrified by the whole spectacle of what he's become.

Even more horrifying, at least to me, are the Santa-themed business suits that are promoted as things you can wear to important meetings this time of year. I suppose this is a measure of job security. The only men likely to wear these outfits are the ones who know they can't be fired and those who want to be.

What am I talking about? Not the generic St. Nick suit that abounds on fat bearded guys working in department stores this time of year, but these hideous ensembles of jacket, slacks, and a tie:

"Hey, ladies, want to check out my sack?"

"The sneakers are for running, since this outfit is a chick magnet."

These are not, I must stress, pajamas. For PJ's they might be sort of cute. But no, someone designed and is selling them as standard business attire for this time of year.

So here's a perfect gift for the guy who... (let me get back to you on that).

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

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