Indolence, pt.2

I’ve come to the realization that generating original content on a regular basis requires effort.

Effort is anathema.

But regular updates are desirable.

So how do I resolve these conflicting forces?

How…how….

I’ve got it: by repackaging old content as new!

Here’s the deal. When I need the ego-stroke of seeing another of my entries go up here, but can’t be bothered to rouse myself and actually write an entry, I’m gonna cut-n-paste a random entry from my Diaryland archives. I figure no one here – with a handful of exceptions – ever read them when they were posted originally, so for all intents and purposes it IS a new entry. To them. Besides, many of these gems deserve to be dredged up from archived obscurity and looked upon with marvel by the untalented masses again. So here ya go. You are most welcome.

This presents some problems, of course. Long time readers (as if) may recognize an entry and become bored or upset. Others may be confused, as I’m just picking entries by clicking with my eyes closed. Those entries will be posted without any perhaps necessary context. Additionally, my writing has always been spotty at best. Especially in the early years when I was writing just to kill time during lulls at work. Not that it’s gotten much better since. Anyway, the point is, you’re getting the good with the suck.

But these are only problems for you, not me, so it’s irrelevant.

So here goes. Random Dangerspouse Entry #1 (circa 2012):

BANAMBIEN BREAD

A couple of years ago I suffered a boxing injury, but like a Real Man (read: “idiot”) I chose to ignore it and keep going. Until last January when the pain was bad enough that I quit both boxing and lifting in the hopes things would mend on their own and I’d get back into it again this year.

Lo and behold, my home remedy failed. I finally had to suck it up and grudgingly concede to medical care. So two weeks ago I went to the doctor, had an MRI, was given a prescription for some stomach-dissolving nuclear anti-inflammatory pills, 6 weeks of physical therapy, and an appointment for a steroid injection or three.

And Ambien, so I could fall asleep without screaming in pain.

Have you ever taken Ambien?

It’s GREAT.

Seriously, I can see why Tiger Woods was hooked on it. And hookers.

If you haven’t ever taken one, the best thing about it – aside from the ability to fall asleep without screaming in pain – is that if you don’t go to bed right away after having taken one you do all sorts of things without knowing it, then have absolutely no memory of it the next day. It’s GREAT! You can do anything you want, no matter how stupid, and blame it on a necessary medical treatment. Talk about a free pass.

(I remember when I heard the term “Ambien eating” in the news a few years ago and thought it couldn’t be true…until last week when I woke up one morning with the very, very scant remains of what was, the night before, a whole strawberry cheesecake, scattered on the pillow next to me.)

So that all leads me to this morning. I got up, rolled out of bed, fed the corgi, and opened the fridge to get my breakfast (a cup of heavy cream, neat).

On the bottom shelf of the fridge was a mixing bowl with what looked like 3 pounds of Spackle in it.

“Hey honey, what’s that goop in the mixing bowl?” I yelled out across the hall.

“You’ve got to be KIDDING!” NewWifey(tm) immediately ran to the kitchen. “You don’t remember making that last night?”

“Er…no. What is it?”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh for gods sake. You took your stupid Ambien and sat down to watch ‘Penguins of Madagascar’-”

“Which episode? Was it ‘Popcorn Panic’?”

“I have no earthly idea. All I know is I tried to get you to bed and you said you were fine and you just wanted to see one cartoon and then you’d hit the sack. But when you went to the kitchen for a glass of water you saw two bananas turning black on the counter and you said ‘you know, I think I’ll make banana bread!‘ and you got out all these ingredients and spent the next half hour mixing them all in a bowl and then you put it in the fridge. THAT’S what ‘that goop’ is.”

“So…it’s bread dough?”

“That’s what you said.”

“Is it a yeast bread? Does it look like a bigger blob than what I put in last night?”

“How would I know? I do construction, not baking.” (That’s true. NewWifey(tm), child of a blue collar, butt-crack displaying electrician, can install plumbing to code or put up wallboard faster than I can make Alfredo sauce.)

I was left scratching my head. What the hell had I made? At least I knew it had bananas in it, so that helped. But did it have yeast? It looked and smelled like it did, and when I pushed down lightly if deflated. So that answered that. Might as well cook it.

My first inclination was to toss it in Jasmine Sous, my magic fuzzy-logic rice cooker. I’ve made bread in her before. Several times in fact, and it always comes out great. But I’d planned to make a batch of congee in her that morning, so I went with baking the mystery dough in the oven instead.

I portioned the dough between 4 mini-loaves, mixing chopped walnuts into 2 of them. Into the oven they went, and a half hour later out of the oven they came. A half hour after that we sat down to warm banana breakfast loaves.

“These are disgusting” Wifey said.

I bit into one.

“Well, ok, they’re not exactly traditional. But I wouldn’t call them ‘disgusting’.”

“They’re disgusting” she said. “It’s like eating a loaf of Wonder Bread with bits of banana mashed into it. It’s not sweet at all!”

She was right about that. Apparently I’d added enough sugar – if I added any at all, come to think of it – for the yeast to eat, and no more. In my stupor I’d forgotten banana bread needs additional sweetening. Or it will taste like Wonder Bread with bits of banana mashed into it.

On the upside, it was very well made Wonder Bread with bits of banana mashed into it. I could tell from the crumb and taste that I’d gone with my stand-by American sandwich loaf recipe, which adds milk to the water, melted butter, and honey.

I think.

Anyway, once I got over the shock of un-sweetened banana bread, I actually enjoyed it. I dragged out 7 or 8 of the Trappist jams still leftover from last Christmas’s haul, along with the apple butter I made last month, and had fun schmearing various ones on. They all went very well, if I do say so myself. Even left plain, the bread matched well with tea (I thought) in the way that less sugary pastries often do.

Of course, NewWifey(tm) was having none of it. If it didn’t taste like the sweet, dense, bakery standard non-yeast banana bread of her youth, then it wasn’t banana bread. And she wasn’t gonna eat it.

I was tempted to make a fake reference to a monotheistic deity, but I’ll refrain. Thank WHATEVER that you’ve finally come … to your senses, that is, and given up the 12-year-old-girl’s “diary” for this FREE and far superior service. For the record, I quit writing because (7) my website mysteriously vanished; (d) my webhost mysteriously vanished (and unfortunately I had nothing to do with that); and (iv) my social life imploded so I have nothing to write about.

Did you really just squeal like that 12-year-old girl I mentioned earlier? NICE! My old website was powered by WordPress but it wasn’t … um … one of these type blog thingies. Hell, I don’t know how all that works — despite that I’m usually quite technically oriented. I do miss my website *sigh* … I’m too old and not-as-skinny to do the self-portrait erotica any more and my social life pretty much revolves around vodka, my kats, and my aquariums. If I ever drum up another funny story I’ll start a page here though. 😉

My god, you poor thing! What CAN you eat?? Call me – I’ll be there on the next flight out with a whisk and my battered toque and cook you up something non-bananic and flourless that will be the best damn thing you’ve eaten in at least the last…um…15 minutes! (And your opinion is not worthless. This is the internet. Everyone opines about things they have no knowledge of, and amazingly it’s always correct. Go for it!)

Surprisingly enough I’m one of your longish-term readers and don’t recall the Ambien Baking Adventure. However I took a pain pill tonight myself, which might explain an amnesiac inattention to details. You’re going to have to sooner or later cough up some new stuff, however.

Big Sister Mia takes Ambien. She makes Ambien-phone calls. Holy shit. She has called people at 2:00 in the morning to yell at them. And remembers absolutely nothing. A friend offered me an Ambien on a flight from Chicago to Amsterdam. I declined. I decided I did not want my first experience with something like that to happen on a trans-Atlantic flight. I’m funny that way.