Dear Kiki: Coping with a bum encounter on Tinder

Questions about love and sex in the city of Iowa City can be sent to dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com (queries can also be sent anonymously using this form). Questions may be edited for clarity and length, and may appear either in print or online.

Kiki, HELP!

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I went on a Tinder date with a guy who wanted to try anal. He was cute and sweet, and I thought I would go for it. I’d never done it before, but I’m on Tinder to try new things. Well, he slipped out before he came, and I could smell my poop. He must have smelled it, too, because he didn’t try again. He just fumbled something about having to work in the morning and bolted. He hasn’t responded to any of my texts, and I don’t think he will. Did I do something wrong?

Signed, Busy in the Behind

Hey Sweetheart,

Some mechanics: I’m not sure how you prepped for anal, but the amount of time between when (and what) you ate, your last bowel movement and the extent to which you cleaned the inside and outside of your asshole can all affect your “emptiness.” If it’s something you’d like to try again, I’d do some research, some self-observation of your anal moods and their connection to your diet and experiment with a game activity partner.

As to this particular Tinder encounter, I think you may need to do a little self-reflection. Were you down to try anal because you are “trying new things” in general, or because you thought he was “cute and sweet” and you want him to continue to “respond to your texts”? Neither is wrong, sweetheart, but those are two different things. It’s okay if you really just want to fuck a person and try a thing — you are not obliged to have relational attachment before or after. Unless, of course, that’s something that you need to enjoy sex. (Kiki, your eternal throbbing heart, is more so of the latter camp.) Also, it’s sometimes confusing to know which thing it is you’re going for: I don’t think you need to feel bad about it, but I empathize with the fact that you do.

Also, gotta say that this dude sounds like a fuckboy, tbh. He wanted to try anal with someone who hadn’t before (even if you didn’t disclose, he also didn’t ask) as the first fuck, and couldn’t deal with the consequences in a kind way. He’s probably not responding to your texts because he got what he wanted out of the encounter, which was “get a girl on Tinder to let me do anal.” Maybe he’s embarrassed you didn’t enjoy the experience or embarrassed about being grossed out, if he was. I sincerely, super don’t care. He’s fine, sweetheart. Are you fine? What do you need to do to be fine? That’s what matters. xoxo, Kiki

Dear Kiki,

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Is it possible to forget how to have sex? It had been so long I don’t think I remember!

Signed, Been So Long

Hey babe,

I don’t know, maybe? Would you like to do something to jog your memory? Because I think that’d be a swell, nifty thing you could do for yourself, either with a playmate or solo! xoxo, Kiki
This article was originally published in Little Village issue 195.