the purging of an unstraight but Mormon mind on politics, polyamory, prostitution, lesbianism, bisexuality, dreams. some bad free verse thrown in for good measure.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

(1/13/2011) - Part4 – The Contract - Remember Lot’s Wife

Because I realized I was in love with Robert Hannibal but also that there was no future with him, I felt a mass of friction inside me. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him, but I didn’t want to take him away from his wife and kids. Though if he was feeling restless and needing sexual adventure, and would be away from his family anyway, then I wanted to be the one he would be with. I would put up with partner swaps. I would put up with whatever he wanted in his sexual restlessness, just so I could be with him.

Yet as I said earlier, in August when I first began my quest to have more women and to experience swinging, it was done with the idea that this would be my last time engaging in sexual transgression. I really do believe in the Mormon Church, and I do want to be a fully committed Mormon, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any regrets. I didn’t want to look back – “Remember Lot’s wife.”

Also, I had only been attracted to women and had only loved women, and thought that I was a lesbian inside. When I first went to the temple, it was before I had ever really dated a girl or done anything other than French kiss a girl (which happened when I was 11). At my hostess dancing job my last semester in college, some of the other girls would flirt a bit and play around a bit, but I never really had anything substantial with any of them. So when I went to the temple the first time, I had repented of my hostess dancing work with men and was completely woman-less, but made the temple covenants to be completely chaste and only have any kind of sexual relations within the bonds of marriage.

However, the night after I went through the temple to make these covenants, and after my family had left, I came home and cried. I still had feelings for women and they seemed stronger than ever. I tore my garments off, and that’s a huge thing because garments are very sacred - they symbolize the covenants we make in the temple. We are supposed to treat garments, and our temple covenants, very reverently.

But I was so mad. I cursed at G-d and yelled at him and said it wasn’t fair that I had never gotten to be with a woman and now here I had made these covenants and I couldn’t break them. I was so upset that I would never get to really be with a woman. I cried and swore all night, with my garments on the floor.

But the next morning, I wore my garments, and for the next eight months I lived a temple-worthy life. But after eight months, “Dee” and I had our first night together, and thus I broke my temple covenants. That was not quite a decade ago, and I have never been temple-worthy since.

Now, with this new decision to be a fully committed Mormon, I would go back to the temple and be temple-worthy , but I didn’t want to have another night like I did my first night after going through the temple. This time I wanted to be fully prepared and know that I have done everything sexual I could possibly do so that I would have no regrets. I decided that when I went back to the temple again, I wanted to be completely and full committed. I didn’t want to ever break temple covenants again once I made them.

As every temple-worthy Mormon is supposed to aim for temple marriage, I knew that’s what I needed to aim for and really desire. I’ve never been able to picture myself married to a man, but I’ve always known it’s the right thing to do. And I’ve always wanted to be a mother – more than anything else.

With my advancing age, I knew that time to be a mother is running out, and I also knew that being a single mother would not be the best situation for my kids. I should marry a man I could marry in the temple, and raise children with, in the Mormon church. That would be my new life – complete, and no looking back.

I thus wanted to have experience with enough women so that I could forget about women once I was married, and I wanted to have sex with enough men so that at least one of them could get me to orgasm. If that happened, I reasoned I would see men as sexual beings and wouldn’t be so disgusted with them. Then I could really be married to a man in the temple and have a decent sex life with him.

I didn’t want to spend more than a year living this “shadow life,” and I had decided that April 1, 2011, would be a good time to start living a temple-worthy life. It takes a year of living temple-worthy after one has had sexual relations outside of marriage, which meant I could go back to the temple in April 2012. I chose this date because one of my good Mormon friends, “Jane”, wants me to be her Maid of Honor or bridesmaid if she marries a certain guy and it wouldn’t be the same if I can’t go in the temple. Also, the Mormon Church has General Conference in April, which is always a good time to be starting anew.

I knew that giving up my job at Onie’s club would not be hard, other than missing out on getting such easy money. I really do like the easy money. But I know G-d sees my job as wrong, even though I have never understood why. Prostitution has always made sense to me. But to be honest, I wouldn’t really miss the work itself, even the orgy situations. They are old news to me. And none of the women I've been with here in NYC have had a huge effect on me.

So the only thing I would miss would be sex with Robert Hannibal. I would miss it so much!

“Jane,” my Mormon friend who wants me to be her Maid of Honor, is very understanding of those who vary from the traditional Mormon culture, and she’s also very picky when it comes to men. She does not fall in love easily, so I told her about Robert Hannibal and how he is the first man I’ve ever been in love with. I didn’t tell her this is because I always only loved girls before and thought I was a lesbian – I do not like telling my female friends about my same-sex attraction - but I just told her I don’t fall in love easily, and since she doesn’t either, she could related to me.

As she asked me more questions about Robert Hannibal, I had to admit that he was married, but I explained that he and his wife are swingers. (Robert Hannibal never told me that his wife condones his gallivanting about, but he also never told me explicitly that she even knows about it, so I prefer to think of it as tacit understanding – I don’t want to think that I am contributing to cheating, although I certainly have in many, many other situations, but with Robert Hannibal I just love him so much and I don’t want to ruin his marriage, and I don’t want to think of him as an adulterer, and I can rationalize that it’s not cheating if the wife knows).

Jane thought that was so strange to be in love with a married man, and a swinger at that, but I told her I fell in love with him before I knew he was married.

I told her this wouldn’t last forever, and probably only a few months, but I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be with a man that I actually love! It’s never happened before! I told her I planned on ending it April 1, 2011, and she promptly got out a piece of paper and wrote a contract.

Jane does not approve of any kind of sex outside marriage, so of course I didn’t tell her about my job at Onie’s. I was a little worried the contract would be too specific, like only referring to Robert Hannibal and not my job at Onie’s or my desire for women, but, fortunately, she wrote the contract to be as broad as possible.

Dated January 2, 2011, the contract states: “I, [Polly Yobek], will not purposely do anything that could keep me outside of the temple after March 31, 2011.” Then she had me sign it, and she signed it as a “Witness.”

So that is the contract. Like I said, I will not miss anything other than sex with Robert Hannibal. Not even being with women, which is amazing in itself.

I know G-d can’t condone any kind of sin, I understand that, but I also think He knows us so well, since He is our Father, and He knows everything we will do. He knew I would want to get all this out of my system before going back to the temple, and He knew I would accidentally go to Onie’s club the first time, thinking it was a lesbian night, and He knows how greedy I am with money so He knew I would take the job there.

And Robert Hannibal had been attending Onie’s club often prior to my starting work there, so G-d knew I would meet Robert Hannibal my first night. And G-d knew I would be attracted to Robert Hannibal. He knew I would fall in love with Robert Hannibal, which I have. G-d knew that my love for Robert Hannibal would overtake my love for women, which it has.

Robert Hannibal and Dee, my first real girlfriend, are the two people I have loved more than anyone else. If I can love a man as much as I can love Dee, which is how much I love Robert Hannibal, then I can love a man! I can be married to a man!

So even if G-d cannot condone my being a prostitute and adulterer and swinger, He will be happy when I’m actually married in the temple to a man I love. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that it can happen. Out of billions of men in the world, it only takes two for me to love – 1. Robert Hannibal, just so that I know it’s possible for me and that I’m not totally a lesbian, and 2. One for me to marry.