We mothers of twins put up with a lot: double diaper duty, double sleep deprivation, double tantrum time. We’ve frankly got enough on our segmented, plastic toddler plates without having to deal with insensitive remarks from total strangers. And yet, that doesn’t seem to stop people from asking asinine questions or spewing out inconsequential platitudes whenever they see a mom pulling double duty in public.

In solidarity with Annie Nolan, here’s the colostrum de la colostrum of annoying things that I’ve heard as a mother of twins, plus the things I wish I could say in reply:

1. “Looks like you got a two-for-one deal!”
Really? Does it? Because as I recall, I had to squeeze two babies out of my lady bits. You like two-for-one deals? Great. Try pooping TWO solid pumpkins back to back. Screaming pumpkins. Then maybe you’ll understand why birthing two humans at once is more of a double-edged sword than a BOGO deal.

2. “Are they twins?”
Nope. I birthed one, then went to the baby pound and picked out another one that looked as much like the original as possible.

3. “Do twins run in your family?”
Let’s be clear—this question is Nosy Bitch for “Did you have fertility treatments?” While we’re discussing things that come in twos, how about you grow a pair and just come right out and ask me about my possible reproductive handicap?

4. “Was it hard nursing two babies at once?”
More Nosy Bitch speak. This translates into: “I want to know whether or not you breastfed your kids so I can either a) judge you for failing to provide them with essential antibodies during the most critical stages of their development; or b) picture you trying to balance a baby on each of those pimples you’re trying to pass as boobs.”

6. “How was it being pregnant with twins?”
Really? Okay, let’s think about it. Well, it was nauseating. Exhausting. And kind of wet, actually, because I peed my pants a lot. Oh, and I got fat. Super-de-duperly fat. Even maternity clothes started to get tight toward the end. Imagine Jabba the Hutt in Princess Leia’s golden bikini. Are you picturing it? Happy you asked? I sure am.

7. “How much weight did you gain?”
Areyoufuckingserious.

8. “Did you deliver vaginally?”Did you just ask me about my vagina? Let’s just not go there, mmkay? I don’t have much time for personal maintenance anymore, if you know what I mean. Are you familiar with Harry Potter? I’m just going to refer to the Forbidden Forest and leave it at that.

9. “So are you done now?”
Done what? Entertaining your obnoxious questions? Yes. Having kids? Actually, I was hoping not, but I think any remaining eggs I might have had just scrambled themselves in an attempt to avoid future awkward interrogations, such as this one.

10. “I can’t imagine having twins.”
Seriously? Because it kind of seems like you’ve been playing Annie Archaeologist and digging around for as much information on the topic as possible. In fact, I’m pretty sure you imagined having twins the second you laid eyes on my two rambunctious toddlers—and it scared you shitless.

11. “God bless you.”
Okay. One, I didn’t sneeze, and two, He already did. With twins. Don’t make it sound like I gave birth to demonic monkey-scorpion hybrids. They’re not just “twins”; they’re my kids. My awesome, hilarious, uniquely beautiful kids. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Not even Ryan Gosling in a Speedo. (Or out of one, for that matter.)

Ah. I feel much better now. Like any parent, I just needed to vent about the unique challenges that my kids bring to the table. That’s all Annie Nolan was doing with her humorous Facebook post. Moms of twins often feel like they have half the time and double the workload, so instead of prying or judging us, a little extra compassion and decorum would be doubly appreciated.

Samantha Wassel is a Stay-At-Home Mama to the cutest twin toddlers in the history of all Toddlerdom. When she’s not running her borderline-offensive mouth, she’s running masochistically long distances, often with the aforementioned toddlers in tow. She enjoys reading, writing, baking, marathoning, complaining, photographing, playgrounding, and Ghirardelli Midnight Reverie chocolate bars. She has been featured on Scary Mommy, Bluntmoms, and Mamalode. Follow her on Facebook, and check out her personal blog at betweenthemonkeybars.com.