Saturday, April 04, 2009

Oh, the Crushing Awkwardness

A couple of weeks ago, I dogsat for Crazy Girl and Golden Boy while they went to NY and Crazy Girl had her final dress fitting and they saw family and stuff.

Pretty much nothing makes me happier than playing with a dog, especially one as happy and friendly as Le Pooch. Seriously. I can't express how happy it makes me that I am their number one go-to person when they need their dog watched. So I love it, and am totally happy to watch her any time. They know this. We always have these funny conversations of "Thanks for watching Le Pooch" and me saying, "Oh you're welcome and thanks for LETTING me watch Le Pooch" and we go back and forth a bit.

I've told my brother repeatedly, that even though theoretically I'm doing them a favor by dogsitting, the reality is they are doing me a favor. It's unconditional love, helps with depression tremendously, it's forced exercise, etc. Plus it's nice to be at their house, somewhere that's a change of scenery yet somewhere I'm very comfortable.

Passover is coming and they invited me to their potluck seder. At first I said I'd go, and make this dish that I make really well. Then I realized how much it would cost, and called my brother and said "Look, the truth is there's no way I can afford to make this to bring, I'm so sorry, I have to bow out. I got carried away b/c Passover is my favorite holiday."

He said of course I should come anyway, because they're nice like that. I thought maybe (wrongly) I could scrounge up the money for a can of macaroons or something, because how awkward if somebody would turn to me to ask what I brought and I had to say "My good cheer for this happy holiday!" or something. Then Golden Boy suggested he and Crazy Girl buy the ingredients for the dish and I make and bring it. I said, that's really nice, but are you doing this just so I can come and save face? He insisted he wasn't, that I'd be doing them a favor because if I didn't make it, they'd have to make it, so it would help them be less busy when they're preparing for 62 people to arrive.

So today we're supposed to get together and go buy all the ingredients for this Passover dish. Then a few days ago, it was suggested they take me to breakfast before going food shopping, as a thank you for watching Le Pooch.

Last night we were trying to iron out details of what time, and where, and things never fully got resolved. Mostly because of me - we were doing this all by e-mail, and I was not home to read e-mail. So we got as far as a time but not as far as a place.

I am low on toothpaste. While I appreciate people trying to do nice things like taking me out places that I can't afford right now (I say this like it's temporary), the reality is, I'm running out of toothpaste. The reality is, I already used up my last kitchen garbage bag.

Sure it's fun to eat pancakes, something I never make at home, but some of that fun is diluted when you realize the cost of those pancakes could pay for a tube of toothpaste that would last you a couple of months. It's hard to be properly appreciative in this situation.

I know everyone expresses their gratitude in different ways. Everyone wants gratitude expressed to them in different ways. Expressing thanks (beyond saying 'thank you') can be really easy or really difficult. My mother used to like to send me flowers on my birthday. I love flowers. Except it's really hard to look at flowers these days, knowing they could pay for a week's worth of food, or the PG&E bill for a month. To me, I truly feel thanked for watching Le Pooch when I get asked to do it again next time. That's all I need, and it's plenty.

That's how Golden Boy and I came to have the most awkward conversation ever this morning, with him saying "We just want to show you our appreciation," and me responding, "Yes, and I appreciate that, it's just hard to happily eat breakfast out when I know that money could pay for half a week's food or whatever." It got to the point where Golden Boy said if their appreciation would best be expressed by purchasing me some toothpaste, then they're happy to do that. So that's what's going to happen.

I'm going to make some oatmeal for breakfast here. Then I'm going food shopping with Golden Boy and Crazy Girl so they can buy ingredients in order for me to bring something to their potluck seder, and there'll be toothpaste buying.

I cried when Golden Boy and I got off the phone. I'll probably cry again when I get home from food shopping. It's so embarrassing. So frustrating. I'm not one of those welfare bitches whose life ambition is to get everyone else to pay for things. I want to work. I like being a contributing member of society. Nobody seems to want my contributions though. Even the place I signed up to volunteer at took all my information and then never called, after saying repeatedly how busy and swamped they are.

I'm such a fuckup that I can't even get hit by a truck and die, because I always forget in order to do that, one has to leave their house.

8 Comments:

The Passover meal sounds wonderful and I wonder what this dish is. I just learned today what a seder was. hahhaa... our pastor referred to it and I was like, is that a Washington thing? he's from there and has told us many stories to which our response was, what? people do that? or, what's that?

anyway, golden boy and crazy girl are not seriously inviting 62 ppl over are they? that's a LOT of people.

i want to help you but i don't know how.did i miss your birthday? (i tried to search for "birthday" on your blog but too many posts came up) i don't want to insult you or make you feel "bad" in any way, shape, or form but really, how can i help you? i can give you cash through paypal. i have some leftover from my jewelry sales that i need to donate. i'm being serious here.

are you good with the web? i've been meaning to list more stuff on etsy for my jewelry but haven't had the time to.. if you want to partner with me, we can work something out like, if you help listing stuff on etsy and it gets sold, you can keep 50%. what do you think?

You are NOT a fuck up! I've been reading, well trying to keep up by reading a whole bunch of entries at one time here and there...it's hard for me to keep up these days because of my kiddies!!! I'm glad you told your brother about the potluck and that you couldn't afford the ingredients and that they have offered to buy everything and have you make it. I'm also glad you told him about going out for breakfast and the fact that you need toothpaste. I think people want to help and don't know if they should, or how they can, or how it will make the person on the receiving end feel. Anyway, the reason I am commenting is because you sound so bummed and I want you to know that I am thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts. This is temporary, I can tell it's not easy, obviously it wouldn't be, but it IS temporary.

Oh man. Green, I'm so sorry you feel the way you do! I wonder - where does your low self-esteem come from? Did it ever occur to you that your GB and CG just want your presence at their potluck because you're family and they happen to like your company? Without any hidden agenda of face saving etc? It's good though that you and GB figured out that toothpaste was better than breakfast as a thank you. I need to do the same thing with my mom. I can't stand it when people spend lots of money on me that could be used better on groceries!!! You've got your priorities straight there, that's for sure!

I'm glad that you were able to talk to GB about the potluck and the breakfast. It's hard on both sides to know what to do, and I think it's really impressive that you both able to work through to a solution. Even though I know it was hard.

delurking here to say happy passover! good for you for speaking the truth with gb and allowing him to help you and thank you in the best way. if I still had a dog (and lived in sf) I would hire you in a minute. good dog/pet care is SO important. you've probably already considered advertising yourself for dog-care gigs? I wonder how the market is for that these days.

Come on Green! You mean much to so many! You need to get a grip on that and realize that you give a lot to others, and at times you have to take the gifts of thanks.Enjoy the passover celebrations, and let others give you the thanks you deserve.Stay cool Green!

I think people have a hard time understanding what it's like to live hand to mouth unless they've been there. So your brother probably doesn't realize that toothpaste and garbage bags are a priority to you right now. But at the same time, he was probably going to go out to breakfast anyway, so by saying that breakfast would be a week's worth of food to you may have made him feel judged. We can't really know, right?

I've been on both sides, first as the person struggling to make ends meet and now as the older sister who tries to help out my younger sibs. I always ask what they want for their birthdays. Cash? Clothes? Something else? And I do take them out to eat, but I figure it's a treat since they probably aren't eating a nice meal on their own. I guess maybe I could re-think that, but if I were your brother I would want you to ask me for toothpaste and garbage bags and a few other things you need when we're shopping for the Seder items. Because I would want to help you. And I would have never brought my husband. Some things are just between siblings. But that's just me.

Sorry for the longest comment ever. You are not a fuck up. You can't help the economy. Hope things improve quickly.