You drove by an elementary school and pulled over when you saw a sign that said “PTA meeting,” and had to remind yourself that it’s not the same thing. You stuck around a while just to make sure.

You and your friends play a drinking game to all of Paul’s movies and take shots whenever the John C. Reilly or Philip Seymour Hoffman are onscreen.

You watch his movies while holding the shooting script in your hand, noting all discrepancies.

You applied for an internship at New Line.

When you got your cell phone, you insisted on getting a number in the 818-area code- and you live in Florida.

You’ve sent your headshots to his casting director but you’re not even an actor.

You’ve joined fan clubs for Aimee Mann, Beck, Quentin Tarantino and Michael Penn just because you know they are some of his friends. You constantly email their fans asking if they have any stories about Paul.

You taught yourself the choreography to the dance scene in Boogie Nights.

You’re taking voice lessons to prepare if he ever does that musical.

Your child’s first word was “Ghoulardi”

You are eager to spot someone’s cheek leak.

You can’t say yes to every one of these items, and it’s pissing you off.

You tried to pitch “What Do Kids Know” to CBS.

When staying in hotels, you either give the name “Dirk Diggler” or “Amber Waves,” depending on your gender.

You thought about getting a pair of lovebirds and named them Barry and Lena, but changed your mind when you heard Paul hates birds.

You’ve watched Magnolia so many times, you were actually able to finally understand what Dixon said in his rap (without the words in front of you!!!)

Pink Dot will no longer deliver to your house because you called them to ask for peanut butter, Camel Lights, white bread, Swank and Barely Legal over 20 times.

You might transfer to Boston University next semester just so you can take that class being taught on Paul and 3 other directors. You decide to get the syllabus way ahead of time so you'll only be in class on the days they talk about Paul.

You’re still paying off the credit card bill from the impromptu trip to Cannes you took a year and a half ago.

You told your boy/ girlfriend you wanted to smash her face in. You wondered why s/he called the police.

You watched Minority Report enough times that you finally found PTA in it. While it was still in the theaters. (They thought they could slip it by you? You’d know the back of that head ANY day!) And you still bought the DVD.

You keep calling the cable company and telling them you’re going to move if they don’t add FX to their lineup so you can see the TV edit of Boogie Nights. You’re tired of having to borrow it from your cousin who lives across town.

You check ptanderson.com more than you check your email.

You’ve looked in the phone book to see if there are any “Paul T. Anderson’s” in your town. You’ve called them.

You’ve got a co-worker named Denise who is about to slap a sexual harassment charge on you if you call her “Denise the Piece” ONE more time.

You are a man who refers to your package as your “big, fat sausage-a!”

You don’t know why Avi and Solomon were so freaked out when Donnie wanted to get braces. Anything for your idol, right?

You’re taking harmonium lessons. You get pissed when people ask you if it’s a small piano.