Frank commentary from an unretired call girl

Vulnerability

This essay first appeared on Cliterati on February 17th; I have modified it only slightly so as to fit the format of this blog.

The fashionable anti-sex work dogma of our times is that prostitution is “paid rape”, an exertion of “patriarchal dominance” by violent men acting out their misogyny through the “buying” of women. The most fanatical of the True Believers proclaim that all sex workers are in reality “slaves” who are “owned” by pimps and traded like cattle, while those with a slightly less tenuous grasp on reality will (if pressed) admit that it actually isn’t like that most of the time, but that we simply don’t recognize our enslavement because we suffer from “false consciousness” as a result of the “social construction” of our sex roles under evil, evil Patriarchy. “End Demand” strategies, the Swedish model and “sex trafficking” hysteria all draw on this bizarre paradigm, which is an almost exact reversal of the typical harlot-client relationship; there is a vulnerable party in the transaction, all right, but it isn’t the woman.

Because I insisted that my escort service advertising appeal to my own aesthetics, it was perhaps more “female-friendly” than that of some of the other agencies; as a result I attracted a disproportionate number of young, inexperienced applicants. And because the three other agencies with which I was friendly all knew that I was more maternal and patient than they were, they usually sent inexperienced girls to me as well. Many a time I sat on the couch with a young lady who was understandably nervous about going on a call for the first time, and asked how she should handle her fears; I replied that it was not really all that different from a blind date, and that after a week or so she would discover that the clients were often far more nervous than she was. I never once had a girl come back to me weeks later and say that I was wrong, and many took the time to tell me how right I had been.

As I explained to those who wanted me to elaborate on the subject, the client faces just as many unknowns as his escort. Even after phone or email conversation, neither knows what the other will really be like in person; either could intend to cheat or harm the other, either could be unbalanced or stoned, and under criminalization either could be a cop. And while it’s certainly true that the average man is much stronger than the average woman, many clients are elderly, infirm or in poor health while escorts tend to be young, active and physically fit; it’s also not unknown for female thieves to work with a male confederate in order to entice men into private quarters with intent to rob them. Furthermore, on average the client has a lot more to lose than the sex worker; while he is likely to be established and married with a reputation he does not want to lose, she is likely to be far less well-known in the community. And if she’s done her screening properly, she knows his legal name and a great deal of personal information, while he knows only her stage name and (if he’s done his screening properly) her professional reputation.

As if all that weren’t enough, there’s the familiarity factor; every person gets more comfortable with doing something through repetition. The more anyone goes into a similar situation the more he learns its ins and outs, its highs and lows, its likelihoods and its rarities; he develops instincts regarding it, is able to assess potential problems, and learns how to solve or escape those problems. But while the typical sex worker might see ten or twenty clients per week, the typical regular client won’t exceed ten or twenty escorts per year; a hooker who’s been on the job for a month has the equivalent experience of a punter who’s been hiring professionals for years. And that’s really an apples-to-oranges comparison; while probably 60% of sex workers see that typical rate, most clients only indulge themselves occasionally rather than regularly. Experience leads to mastery and confidence, which increases self-esteem; over 72% of escorts report that their self-esteem increased after entering the trade. Clients, on the other hand, have to contend with demeaning or demonizing cultural messages about men who buy sex in addition to their doubts or fears about a comparatively less familiar transaction.

As any experienced escort could tell you, it shows. Many clients are as nervous as the proverbial long-tailed cat, sometimes to such a degree that they get cold feet and cancel (or merely fail to show up or answer the door). Others require “liquid courage”, sometimes to the point that it impairs their performance; others insist on looking around for hidden pimps or asking questions intended to reveal police affiliation or (in the case of younger girls) legal age status. I receive far more questions from men than women, and many of them reveal other fears and concerns: they worry about penis size, performance, unattractiveness or disease; about accidentally causing harm or contributing to exploitation; about ethics, guilt and the proper way to treat their escorts; and even about falling in love with a working girl. I’m currently corresponding with one gentleman who is so nervous that he has angered several ladies by his vacillation, and has sought my advice in overcoming it. To be sure, these men are not the majority; most clients seeing a particular escort for the first time are either a little shy or else no more visibly unsure than a man going into any new business relationship. But the very nervous are a substantial minority, and vastly outnumber the abusive monsters on which prohibitionists are so firmly fixated.

29 Responses

The younger the girl the more likely the Con. I’d say thats fairly axiomatic. And the Con is usually started with their ad saying ” i prefer gentlemen over 40″ and rapidly proceeds after uninspired sex tto requesting a sugar daddy. All things being equal and having paid for sex the very first time this year (age 50), I’d prefer to have paid for sex my entire life. However, “falling in love” is a real problem for both escort and client because no woman “escapes” childhood without Daddy Issues and as a result a loving, caring, generous, patient, gentle, respectful, man with a little money fits the idealized or at east archetypal image of father for the young escort.

Young girls prefer guys our age because we are less physically demanding as clients and are mature, often more considerate, and considerably less prone to violence than younger men. We usually have more money and can be more generous. It’s not always a “con”.

In fact, I know girls who have an NBA policy but they “waive” it when the guy is over 40. They don’t care about the color of his skin – they just want to make sure he’s safe.

One of the hard things about leaving the business was missing my regulars. I respected, liked, and maybe even to an extent loved these men. I enjoyed them. Most of them were highly intelligent, refined, accomplished men with a taste for creative sex experiences. They certainly didn’t match the popular perception of men who pay for sex.

Maggie, your approach was the exact opposite to the first agency I worked for. They had a notorious problem client, and they would send the new girls to him as a test. When they arrived, he was often drunk or drugged. He could be nasty, rough or violent. The thinking was that if one could handle him, one could handle any client.

There’s a certain rock star I won’t name who used to think it was cool to slice working girls’ arms with razor blades (by surprise, natch). He was blackballed from every agency in New Orleans, but of course he never got in any trouble and I have to bite my tongue every time somebody praises his music.

Not really a Matt Damon fan but he articulated something in a movie once that I have always held as a guiding principle …

“All you need is 20 seconds of courage”

“20 seconds is kind of arbitrary” … when I was a kid on a submarine, we experienced flooding at deep depth and I could hear the water coming into the boat. I could see shipmates running around the boat covered with water trying desperately to stop the flooding. I was on the sternplanes at the time and was responsible for maintaining depth of the ship – and I could feel the ship getting heavy. It was my responsibility to get an up angle on the ship, but not too much of one so we could get to the surface.

All I wanted to do though – was somehow figure out a way to get the hell off the boat.

Well, after a few moments I just said to myself … “I have these immediate actions I’ve been trained to do – and so I’ll do them – and then I’ll freak out”. Once I started getting involved in solving the problem – the fear went away – I was too absorbed to think about it.

So to guys who have a problem with vascillation and “NCNS” … I just say … “all you need is 20 seconds of courage to get through that door.” After that 20 seconds you’re good to go.

The mistake a most first timers make when seeing an escort is thinking of her as some kind of blind date or pickup at a club. This creates a huge amount of unnecessary tension and anxiety.

Instead, I always think of the escort as being in the same category as a waitress. At the lower end, she is like the girl behind the counter at McD. The menu is limited and she is not likely to be very responsive to questions or unusual requests. Just follow the programme and things will go smoothly.

The upper end escorts are like the staff at a good family owned restaurant – eager to please, and willing, even proud, to discuss the details of what is on the menu. Special requests are more likely to be entertained favourably as well.

Treat the waitress well, remember that she is being paid to provide a defined service, tip generously, and your dining experience is likely to be a good one. The same goes for sex workers.

All spot on … and I tell people not to worry about the experience or her being too critical. A lot of guys are worried about penis size … or how much stamina they may have … or if they can even get it up – and they don’t want to be embarrassed. They know the girl has been with lots of guys who are better and they don’t want to be compared.

That’s silly. Yeah, escorts have been with lots of guys who have been “better” … but hell man – they’ve also been with guys WORSE and no matter how bad you are or what your problem is – it’s very likely she’s some guy who’s worse.

I know a girl who told me … “My ATF (all time favorite) is a guy who just wants to watch me masturbate – he takes care of himself”. Out of all her clients – she liked that guy the best – not for his sexual function – but because he was considerate, nice, reliable, and generous.

I know another guy who openly says that he can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s just in it for the oral and the role play and he “tours” women like a 7th Fleet ship tours foreign ports! His modus operandi is a role play where he’s a demanding boss and the girl is a hot, but problematic secretary – so she ends up being “punished”!! LOL

All of the girls say WONDERFUL things about him – again, because he’s considerate, generous, and reliable guy.

My first time was in the early days of independents with websites, in a country where sexwork is not illegal. Coming from the US I had a very hard time believing that it wasn’t a scam, so I scheduled a dinner date, thinking that I could gracefully escape if she wasn’t as advertised or I had any other suspicions. As it happened she turned out to be a wonderful, interesting person who became a friend for years after. And thus, here I am.

That’s a common slur the prohibitionists direct at clients; they want people to believe that MOST men are perfectly happy to screw a crying, traumatized 13-year-old, when in actuality that’s almost the exact opposite of the truth. If men would stop to think about what the “child sex trafficking” myth is really saying about men, I’ll bet a lot fewer of them would promote it.

It is all to easy to conflate a preference for youth with a liking for children.

The prevalence of this myth is just another attempt to paint all customers of prostitutes as eeeevill.

Simply by observing which women are most popular in brothels or other sexual establishments, it is clear that the most men go for women with clearly developed sexual characteristics and not small, skinny, child like ones.

As you say Maggie, it is highly offensive to hear people say that “most men” would happily screw a child. I’m certain that no one would tolerate such a comment if the sexes were reversed.

I wasn’t thinking of 13 year old crying traumatized girls when I wrote my comment. I thought you meant the guys who were worried about something more along the lines of making sure the girl is 18 rather than say 17 or 16 and a half. I thought most guys who were okay with a prostitute being 18-20 wouldn’t make a big deal if she ended up only being a months shy.

You have to cover legal liability. My Da is a P4P connoisseur and his personal policy has ben (since his retirement from active duty), “Crows feet or GTFO”. Apparently, between “The Divorce From Hell” and a bad experience in his PUA days with a teenaged Luxembourg girl (Chris Rock has a joke about underaged girls with grown women bodies that he quotes verbatim, he feels that it’s better to be safe than sorry. Also, the Süderländer restriction (at least in Germany) is (mostly) restricted to actual Africans. Americans of African descent from either continent don’t receive the same treatment (and, according to him, it’s based on issues with payment, not any actual behaviours in the bedroom.)

I’m sure that a lot of clients, first-timers and even ninth-timers, are pretty nervous. What if she’s a cop? What if she’s ugly? What if she’s so gorgeous I just stand there, like I did when I was thirteen and Dawn opened the door, and I barely managed not to drool? What if she is underaged, or trafficked, or both? Can… can I call the cops, or… what?

If I’m ever able to hire the working girls, I’ll be a bit less nervous thanks to this blog, but I’ll still probably be a wreck.

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