Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I'm not going to get into the VMA red carpet pictures or anything (and certainly not into the show itself because I haven't seen it -- MTV will rerun it 7, 619 more times this week alone so I'm not concerned) but I do want to mention that Hilary Duff looked really pretty and I loved her dress.

Much better than last year. She looks to be rockin' the Mystic Tan, but I don't hate! I do worry that she's treading into "I can fit into my own purse" territory, but I'm hoping she (and her handlers) have enough sense to know when to stop. Like as in, now. It was certainly nice to see her without Haylie hanging off her like a second skin.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

In all this crazy talk about my nocturnal adventures, I've somehow forgotten to tell you about my day yesterday (and we can't have that now, can we?)

As I mentioned, yesterday was my nephew's third birthday party. It turned out really nice, despite the weather. There had been no previous report of rain, but alas, a half hour into the party, it started to pour. Little kids don't care. They'd happily play outside on the swings and in the pool during a torrential downpour. The parents weren't having it though. Everyone was moved inside. It all worked out though, because Spider man had arrived... and just in time too! (But I guess that's "his thing" right?)

Kyle was SO excited about Spiderman being there. When the guy (not in costume yet) first got there, Kyle heard my sister say "Spiderman's here" and he proceeded to run and tell everyone in the house (which sounded something like "PIE-DA-MAN'S HEOW!"). He even told the Spiderman guy himself. I won't get into all the details, but he was a big hit with the kids. Pictures to follow soon.

Snoopy, my sister's dog was acting funny during the second part of the day... shaking, looking lethargic, walking with his tail between his legs, etc., and we were all speculating about what it could be (his medicine? all the people? did someone give him cake??!). By the end of the night though, he seemed to be back to himself, even jumping in the car to take a ride to my house... which is insane because he despises the car.

Am I boring you?

Well, too bad. :-)

My brother got an excellent deal on a car yesterday, and I'm hoping to do the same some time this week. I really want one of the new convertible VW Beetles. If anyone wants to donate one to me, that'd be great. Any colour would do, but the "mellow yellow" with the cream top and cream interior would be best. No leather, please.

Otherwise, I'll have to get something more in my price range. ('78 Gremlin? Here I come).

I had a WEIRD dream last night. It was one of those dreams that morphs into something completely different than it was when it started.

At the beginning of the dream, I was at some dorms in college (which, consequently, was in the same building as my mom's work -- not the case in real life) and I had ordered some food from some really expensive hoagie place (only they were calling them "heros" in my dream, which can be explained by the fact that Tony kept talking about "veal cutlet heros" on Who's the Boss as I was falling asleep). Anyway, they kept calling back to say "Just 40 more minutes" and I finally got pissed off. My mom was going to be done work soon, and I was going home with her, so I just told them to cancel it.

Apparently, this sandwich place turned out to be a cult-like thing... well, not a cult... I'm not really sure how to explain it. Let's just say the guy who ran the place was PISSED that I cancelled my order, and he came after me. To make matters worse, it was the REALLY creepy actor who played "Abraham" the Cult leader on that one episode of Law & Order: SVU. He's like REALLY creepy. I think he was also in Buffy. Let me see if I can find a picture.

Ahh yes, here we go. Would you like THIS to be following you through the streets of Philadelphia? (Only picture him with longer, blonder hair, and dirty like he was on SVU).

ANYWAY, I won't get into too much detail (because it was LONG) but it involved me running through the corridors of the Philadelphia Inquirer building (which was also a clothing store in my dream), stealing a homeless person's bike, and hopping a train and running through the cars asking people to switch clothes with me, and if anyone had a wig. I woke up just as he was catching up to me. (Alright buddy, I'll eat your f---ing sandwich!!!).

Anyway, I was only awake for about a minute before I fell back into sleep, and back into an even more psycho version of the dream. It was almost like the same dream, but fast-forwarded... because now I'M homeless. I've become like a con-artist who uses different sob stories and stuff to find places to sleep at night. I'm running from the police, too (not sure why) but I'm also still being pursued by "bad guys" as well. Somehow, these Japanese mobsters are after me and they keep trying to lure me to them with a hurt dog. Ahh, but I'm too smart for them!!

Cut to me in line inside some swanky club, waiting to get into a Duran Duran concert. I'm slinking through the crowd (with an asian woman and her two kids, as well as someone else whom I can't remember much about, but I think she was some weird dream version of my friend Nicole -- sidekicks that I've picked up along the way somehow). ANYWAY, I pushed past these two women and go into the VIP room, where they're checking passes. I decide to call Paul, the band's manager to get me in. There's no signal on my phone, so I have to trek back outside.

While outside (after getting my hand stamped for re-entry, of course) I see a car pull up. A door opens and inside is nothing but that damn hurt dog. There's a voice saying "Please help me. Come here." (creepy, right?). I see the reflection in the window of one of the Japanese mobsters on the ledge behind me, ready to pounce on me. But what do I do??? I continue to try to call Paul, because now I have my heart set on going to the Duran Duran VIP party. (That's right, even in my dreams, my priorities are completely out of whack).

Just as I'm getting through on the line, this Japanese guy (whom I swear at times was actually drawn in Japanimation style anime) jumps down. With my catlike reflexes, I jump back into the "club" (which is lit more like a K-Mart), lock the door, and hide under a table (where Rod Stewart happens to be sitting).

The Japanese guy crashes through the glass (I guess it was locked) and starts shooting up the place. He then runs towards the back (where my beloved VIP party is being held) to look for me. Rod, who somehow remained unscathed, helps me up onto a high-up bay-window, to hide behind a curtain. I asked if he could see me, and a woman yelled, "Of all the women in the place, he'd have to remember that you had on a purple shirt and black skirt to know that was you up there" (??).

Then I woke up.

If anyone out there who reads this blog can interpret dreams, feel free to make something out of that nonsense. I think I'm losing my mind!!!

Today is my adorable nephew's third birthday. The party was yesterday, but today marks the actual day that my sister laid screaming in the hospital bed for more meds.

But it all becomes worth it when you've got a face like this to come home to!

Happy Birthday, Kyle!! I love you!!!!

And in case you're all wondering how good of an aunt I am (i.e., what I got him for a gift), I got second row tickets to Clifford the Big Red Dog Live, where he and I are going to rock out on October 1.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Yesterday started out as a relatively normal day here in my quiet South Jersey town. I woke up feeling really ill (the effects of having my sick baby neice here the day before) but that didn't change the fact that I had a million errands to run. The bank and the post office wait for no one.

At the post office, I was happy to see some new blood. Actually, I have no idea if this guy was new, but I've never seen him before. He was young and really funny (he jokingly put the "This window closed" sign up when I walked up with tons of stuff to mail) and a refreshing change from what you normally get at the post office. (Of course, he'll turn out to be the one that eventually snaps and runs through town brandishing a gun, but I digress.). He made me laugh out loud, so shout out to Liam!!

I'm getting sidetracked.

While writing out my Delivery Confirmation slips, a news report comes on the post office TV about... and I swear to God, I'm not making this up... a "Ninja Bandit Home Invasion." Yes, you've read that correctly. Ninja. Bandit. Home. Invasion.

Apparently, a man was awakened at around 6am by a noise in his home. As he came to the steps to investigate, he was attacked by a man carrying a gun and wearing a black ninja costume. (Still not making this up).

The assailant had cut the phone line and smashed in the patio door with a rock. He escaped with the victim's wallet (which was later found in the nearby woods) and a change jar.

As if this story wasn't amusing and... well, crazy enough, it happened in MY HOME TOWN. Yes, my quiet, mild-mannered suburban South Jersey town.

That makes it SO much funnier. :-)

(Don't get me wrong. It's totally not funny that this guy got robbed and pistol-whipped in his own home, but since he's okay, I think it's alright to laugh about the fact that ABC News is calling it a "Ninja Bandit Home Invasion." You can't begrudge me that chuckle).

Click here to read the (extremely poorly written) story. Or even better, click here to read the version where I've taken the liberty of correcting the errors like my 'Film As Art' professor did to my Clockwork Orange paper in college. They must have had an intern do it or something.

Oh well, at least Liam the Post Office Guy and I got a good laugh about it.

Is it just me, or do Hollywood people lose weight at blinding speeds?? Trent has some pics that really showcase Hil's new bod. I don't want to hork his pics without asking, so click here and scroll to the bottom. Take extra note of the pic of Hilary putting his sticker onto her wardrobe case. SKINNY!!!!!

To be fair, I think she looks really good right where she's at. I just hope she doesn't get too nutty with it. Don't go all 'Teri Hatcher' on us, Hil!

You know, I realise that I can come off as a little snarky sometimes when it comes to celebs and stuff, but that doesn't mean I can't also recognise when something is completely out of line. When I feel that a celebrity has been wronged, even if it's someone that I normally lambaste, I will totally point out the injustice.

The latest celebrity that I feel I should go to bat for is Charlize Theron. Here we see Charlize's ass in a bathing suit, care of Clasos images:

"Charlize Theron shows us a little cellulite while she tends to her plants at her Malibu home."

Umm... excuse me Clasos, but are you kidding? I would give my right ass cheek to look like Charlize in a bathing suit (or a snowsuit, for that matter), and I'm 5 years younger than she is. Any cellulite in that photo is definitely not worth mentioning. If you want to talk about asses, there are plenty of others out there that are far worse than what we're seeing above.

And FAR too many tears.(Which I won't even bother to show you. Just imagine those faces with wet stuff on them).

Not to mention, if you think American Idol had a lot of boring, unnecessary filler and too many recaps, you ain't seen nothing yet. The judges try too hard to emulate Simon Cowell, and the dancers just try too hard... period.

Worst of all though, is the host, Lauren Sanchez. My first thought was "Where did they find this one?" but I've since looked it up and she's apparently a big face in newscasting. That is, a big, amazingly plastic-looking, lifted, tucked, and botoxed face in newscasting. She looks like a younger, odder looking version of Janice Dickinson and quite frankly, it's very distracting. Add to that her overly dramatic manner and it makes the whole thing absolutely unbearable.

The bottom line? They've tried to capture of magic (and ratings) of American Idol... and failed miserably.

I like this. It's apparently from The New Yorker, but I found it on the blog of Alistair Appleton, host of Cash In the Atticand House Doctor(which air on BBC America for us yanks). Actually, charming cartoon aside, after reading his blog, I've decided that Mr. Appleton is probably one of the most interesting, amazing people I've seen or heard about in a long while.

For starters, he's ridiculously intelligent. Well-educated, well-spoken, well-read, and extremely well-travelled. He seems to have a broad range of interests and he writes about his experiences with such vibrance and honesty, which is really refreshing. Even the name of his blog, "Do Buddhists Watch Telly?" (he is, and he doesn't, apparently) is unique and witty. He just seems so down-to-Earth and ridiculously charming. Anyone who's seen him on Cash in the Attic would surely have to agree. I've never cared so much about antiques in my life. :-)

It also doesn't hurt that he happens to be probably the most physically beautiful human being ever created.

His is a blog that I'll be keeping an eye on. Keep up the good work, Alistair.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Clay Aiken, whom, as you know, is yet another target of my unabashed, slightly scary affection (see: Stewart, Rod; Hall, Anthony Michael; Flowers, Brandon) is selling his digs in LA to head back to the "NC". (I wish he lived in Orange County so I could have made a really good play on words there).

Anyway...

Like any massively-stalked celeb, Clay has declined to tell the papers exactly where he's having his new pad built (Good move, buddy). According to him, he's barely spent any time in the 6-bedroom, Mediterranean-style home he bought new in Cali last fall for $2.3 million.

$2.3 million? Damn.

Wonder if the 'Claymates' will start pooling their money together to buy it. Unfortunately for them, it will be a mere Aiken-less shell when he leaves, because according to the man himself, "All the stuff, curtains, fabrics and whatever else is coming, too," Aiken said.

Man, from the looks of things, my boy Clay Aiken rocked out at a recent show.

I'm not sure I approve of the "just throw a leather jacket with your name on it over normal business attire" look, but since I want to have his babies, I think I can overlook it for now. I don't even know where this show was, but it looked really fun to watch.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I saw Red Eye tonight with my mom. It was okay. I don't have too many complaints. It's not like I expected it to be a piece of pure cinematic genius (and it wasn't) but it was entertaining enough, which I think is all you can expect out of a film these days. The epic masterpieces are few and far between.

Rachel McAdams was pretty good. Cillian Murphy (or "Tranny Face" as he's so lovingly been dubbed at You Can't Make It Up) was as creepy as ever. I'm not quite sure what it is about him that makes him so hard to stomach at times.

Actually, I guess it's the tranny face.

Either way, he's the perfect villain. I hated his character just as much in this as I did in Batman Begins and... well, that's the idea. Good work, TF.

So all in all, if you don't mind a bit of hokeyness (or is it "hokiness"?) and a few scenes of "that could never really happen" amidst an otherwise relatively entertaining storyline, then Red Eye just might make for a pleasurable theater-going experience for you.

I just ate nearly a pint of ice cream. And when I say nearly, I mean all but about 4 spoonfuls, and that was only so I could tell myself I wasn't really that much of a pig. "You're full," I said over and over. I was actually full about a third of the way in, but I just couldn't stop. I ate so much that I think the rum swirl has actually made me a bit tipsy. And I blame you, Haagen-Dazs .

You, who decided that it would be a good idea to deliver the already delicious Bananas Foster in yet another sinful dessert form. We already know how much I love banana-based goodies. It's going to take hours of Gazellin' to work this off. I hate you! I hate you and the German horses you rode in on!

Don't let the picture of the bowl fool you. It was just me, the pint, and a spoon. Shameful.

BBC News (oddly enough) has reported that country sensation Garth Brooks has signed a deal with America's favourite "I despise the place but go anyway" retail outlet, Wal-Mart for the "exclusive sale of his back catalogue and any future hits. "

This means that from here until eterntiy, Wal-Mart will be the only place where Mr. Brooks' music will be available to buy. How fitting.

Rumour has it that a box-set of Brooks' music is expected to be the first of the exclusive stuff. One more reason for me to steer clear of the place.

British rocker (and long-time target of my obsessive tendencies) Rod Stewart is being sued by Harrah's for a cancelled New Year's Eve show in December of 2000. They want back the $2 million he was paid for the show (wow... who knew Rod garned that kind of pay per show?).

Rod (yes, we're on a first name basis) underwent surgery for thyroid cancer in May of that year, and was not recoved in time for the show. He's now fully recovered and wants to make up the cancelled date. Harrah's isn't having it.

If you ask me, Harrah's are being a bunch of sticklers. They're all "But we wanted you on New Year's and if we can't have it our way, we're taking our ball and going home!" (Boo freaking hoo). Let him make up the show and keep up his money. Come on, he's got a baby on the way. He might need it. :-)

First of all, I'm just happy that someone exists who has a faker looking tan than I do.

And look at the look of self-importance on the friend's face. "I'm with Lindsay." Well, whatever.

Secondly, I'm not loving Hilary with the dark wig, and I hate the horse teeth (not pictured), but she has been losing weight and looking really nice lately. It's amazing how even at her worst, she still looks a trillion and a half times better than Haylie.

And lastly, do you think they could possibly have found a more unflattering angle on washed-up Idol Fantasia Barrino?

A Chicago woman is fuming after receiving a bill from Comcast Cable in which she was addressed as "Bitch Dog."

No... seriously.

25-year old Lachinia Govan, after being repeatedly treated "shabbily" by Comcast employees, told one of them, "You know what, it has to be a qualification to work for your company that you have to be rude." For this reason, she doesn't think the name on her subsequent bill was an accident. Ha. No kidding.

A Comcast spokesoman said "We only use the actual customers names on the bill." (THAT was the response?)

Another Comcast employee left an apologetic message on Govan's machine, and the two parties involved with the name change were fired.

Apparently, this isn't the first time something like this has happened, although not with Comcast. Peoples Energy customer Jefferoy Barnes once started getting letters addressed to "Jeffery Scrotum Bag Barnes." (LMAO)

Barnes apparently has no idea why this happened as he "had no bad words at all."

I can't imagine if all companies did that. If that were so, I'd have been Bitchy McPimplePants or something on my latest Verizon bill after the amount of times I whined to their customer service department last month (in fairness to me, their service was sucking and no one could help).

It also reminds me of the time last December when the bastards at Capital One cancelled my credit card after they saw some purchases being made in England (a train ticket and a pair of pants, mind you. Even if someone HAD stolen my card, they weren't exactly breaking the bank).

When I called (from Luton Airport, after being denied my flight) to say that the English purchases were, in fact me, and ask them to please turn the card back on, I was told the best that they could do would be to send me a new card to my HOME address in 7-10 days. Umm... no. That doesn't help me.

In an effort to curb my spending, that was the only card I'd brought with me, so that left me pretty much stranded... again, in Luton freaking Airport. After a 40 minute call and being reduced to tears, BEGGING this woman to help me, she said "I'm sorry ma'am. Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

After a brief pause, I responded at the top of my lungs (and much to the amusement of some British onlookers) that yes, there was something else she could do for me today. She could go f*** herself.

The following month there was an unexplained $75 charge on the card. When I called to inquire, I was told that it was a currency exchange fee, but that it also said in my records that I had become "belligerent" with one of the customer service reps and that was unacceptable. I replied that I did, in fact, become belligerent with her and that I was about to get belligerent again if the fee wasn't removed. It was.

If I hadn't cancelled my account with them, I'm sure my next bill would have been addressed to "Bitch Dog" too.

In a PERFECT ending to this tale, I'd like to refer you to this image, which links to a website that I had nothing to do with, although I'd like to hug the person that did:

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Now, if only that meant another tour! Word during the tour last year (which I was lucky enough to be working on... can you say "Dream Come True?") was that it was the last. Let's hope Moz misses being out on the road so much that he changes his mind.

Move over Uggs, there's a new love of my life in the boot world! I present to you, in all their glory, the LIV's "Libby B":

Ahhh!!! LOVES IT!! I am SO rocking these boots this Fall!! They come in tons of colors and even have a shorter version called "Slippery" (sort of the "classic short" to the Libby B's "Classic tall") but since all my Uggs are short, I think I'm going to go with the tall ones. I'm also going to hold back and only buy them in one colour (unlike with my dear, sweet Uggs). I can't wait. Is that sad? Probably.

Not that my Uggs are going to take a backseat, mind you. Those bastards cost far too much money to stop wearing just because they're no longer the best of the best in the world of footwear. I refuse to go the cowboy boot route though. I think I'll just skip right over that trend and hit this one. Plus, I don't have any light cream-coloured Uggs so these will be a nice addition to my shoe collection.

I wonder if they'll become a big huge craze. If they do, remember kids... you heard it here first!!

So... did anyone know that Combos, are the "Cheese-filled snack of Nascar"? I did not.

What I'm wondering is, does this mean that Nascar has other snacks, but Combos rules the roost as the best of the best in "cheese filled snacks"? Or are they the only "snack of Nascar" and they just happened to be cheese-filled? Inquiring minds want to know.

Monday, August 15, 2005

I spent the weekend visiting with some friends that I haven't seen a while. My one friend (we'll call him "Pat" ) has spent the last two years in Guatemala for the Peace Corps. He's actually been home for a few months, but he lived kind of far so I didn't get to see him. He recently moved to the Bronx so I trekked on up and we caught up and reminisced and all that good stuff.

Before I tell you about the rest of the weekend, I have to tell you a story that Pat told me about his travels in the Peace Corps. He told me this just as I'd taken a sip of my White Russian and I literally almost spit it across onto the bartender.

One of the places that he lived in Guatemala unfortunately had an outdoor latrine made of cornstalks. Not like, whole cornstalks or anything, but ground up cornstalks that they use to make walls. Anyway, one day as Pat was outside doing his bizniz, four... yes FOUR cows came up and started EATING the walls of the latrine!! To quote Pat "I mean, it wasn't scary, I knew they weren't after me, but they ate the walls." Hahahaha!! As if that story wasn't good enough on its own, shortly after this happened (while the latrine was still sans walls), a large group of people congregated at a little church in a field across the way from Pat's house. The Bishop of Guatemala was even there. As they say, "when you've gotta go, you've gotta go" and unfortunately that includes when there's a large group of people and a Religious figure out in a field that's in clear view of your bathroom. You can guess the rest of the story. Classic hilarious stuff.

Anyway, back on Earth...

Friday night we caught a showing of Chaos, which is a remake of Wes Craven's first film Last House on the Left. Like the first film, I had quite a few issues with this one having too much of a comedic feel at some parts, but I won't spoil it for those of you who want to see it for yourselves. I will say this though... Nasty stuff folks, nasty stuff. Neither of us ended up needing the "Discomfort bags" that were provided for us, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone had. Yukkity yuk yuk yuk.

After that we ended up going to this little bar called the Raven in the East Village. It was cool. We just chilled on one of the couches, drank, and people watched. One sorta goth woman looked like she was a second grade teacher during the day, but let her wild side out at night. We enjoyed her very much. Then there were these two Asian guys who I swore got their 'look' from those guys in the T-Mobile "Poser mobile" commercials. (If you haven't seen these, please do yourself a favor and click here... if for no other reason than to be able to picture these dudes from the bar) They got funnier and funnier to look at as the night wore on. I was just happy because they looked more out of place than I did!(Video from www.whoyoutalkinat.com)On Saturday, we headed up to Connecticut to visit Alex, his awesome girlfriend Courtney, and their adorable little puppy Leia. I unfortunately couldn't get a new picture of Leia because she didn't sit still long enough for me to do so, but pictures don't even do her justice. She is CUTE. Like REALLY, REALLY cute. We had a great time!! Travelling through 4 states (CT, NY, PA, and NJ) to get home yesterday was not as fun, but well worth it.

And now onto the celeb goss!!! You knew it was coming folks, and tonight we have plenty of it!

First of all...THIS is complete bull. I can personally vouch for that.

And I'm not saying that because I'm some dorky fan that thinks celebs can do no wrong. I was there... more than once. Her clothes suck, but the girl can SANG. There is no lipsynching going on there. She doesn't sound perfect all the time, and that's a good thing. Go away, haters.

Onto Someone I'll Never Defend... Oh, how I'd like to slap the shit out of you, Paris Hilton.

Better yet, I'd like to stick you in a room full of PETA peeps. Why? Read this.

Tinkerbell? You're better off. Trust.

What's a Day Without Lindsay News?This is what the recently released Lindsay Lohan doll looks like...

But I'm thinking this is probably more accurate these days...

Victoria Beck-UMMM...

What? She's just like any other mother out for a stroll with her kids!

At the Teen Choice Awards...

Fergie wore overalls with uneven cuffs, which was unfortunate, but she did manage not to pee herself, which is a plus!

(I'm a poet and I don't even know it!)

Daveigh Chase, the scary girl from The Ring has grown into a cute Michelle Trachtenberg clone, while Haylie Duff remains as scary (and awkward) as ever.