Thursday, March 11, 2010

Why do I do the things that I do?

Scene One:

See that grown woman? Walking down the street with her heels and her gigantic Liz Clairborne purse? Pulling off strips of cheese from her cheese stick and gulping them down? Reminding you of the foods you used to eat when you were in kindergarten?

That's me. Feeling stupid.

Scene Two:

I select from the office refrigerator a cup of sugar-free pudding that I placed there earlier this week. Then I select a (non-eco-friendly) plastic spoon from the plastic spoon box. On my journey back to my desk, I peel off the foil top to the pudding cup, and as I pass through the dim conference room, I proceed to lick away. Then I freeze mid-lick as I realize that there are two other people--who likely never eat pudding cups let alone lick the foil tops--entering the dim conference room from the other side, watching me lick.

I'm a licker of the foil too, and I let the dog lick the rest out of the cup when I'm finished. So, top that in tacky. Though it's hard to do the dog part out in public. The people at your work are not very nice. A little judgmental, huh!

I lick the foil lids, the inside of the cup, and any little drop left on the spoon. Enjoy that dessert and if someone doesn't like it they obviously do not know how to enjoy the fun foods in life. Oh and I love my string cheese too.

I buy string cheese in bulk at Wal-mart and enjoy to my heart's content. I hate sugar-free pudding because it tastes nasty to me, but I would lick the lid if I ate it. . . Heck, when I'm done with my ice cream, I lick my ice cream bowl like a dog just to make sure I get every last drop. . . .

Hey, just remember that you did not let a big ol' fat drool slide out of your mouth and down the front of your shirt while you were talking to the people in the conference room. That should make you feel better.

Wait just a doggone minute. What were the embarrassing things here? Were it the purse and the spoon, I'd understand; but if it's the pulling of the string and the licking of the lid... Who are these food snobs you worry about? Next time, lick on and know that everyone around is just jealous down deep if they hint at disapproval in their shallowness.

About Me

I've got a two boys, born in 2010 and 2012 (respectively). I've also got a husband. He is a "policy analyst" (interpret those quote marks as you will) and I am a "household administrator." I also do some freelance writing and editing. I'm a Mormon. I can't skate backwards. I like fiction.