LOST RECAP: Beautiful Michael, The Island Will Have You Suicidal, Suicidal

Recap of Lost Season 4, Episode 8, “Meet Kevin Johnson” from March 20, 2008 — so many damn spoilers in here, you shouldn’t read it while dairy products are in the room:

I’VE ABANDONED MY BOY! ER, WELL… MY BOY HAS ABANDONED ME!

In a bizarre present-flashback-present sandwich, last night’s “Lost” revealed Michael’s path from island treachery to suicidal mainlandness to nautical treachery. Michael has been alienated from HIS SON! after HIS SON! found out what his father had to do to get him off the island, prompting Michael to drive really fast into a wall, but uh oh! Turns out the island won’t let you kill yourself, even if you put a loaded gun to your head and fire. This latest ridiculous island rule comes to Michael through Big Tom, who has followed Michael back to the mainland in order to recruit the grief-stricken 815er for the espionage mission, as well as to hang out in a luxury penthouse with his gay mainland booty call.

I took some flack after Episode Two when I declared that I thought Miles’ ghost whispering ability was pretty stupid, given that the show also involves a magical teleporting cabin and constantly changing smoke monster and time shifting rules, but last night, I just wasn’t buying the idea that anyone who leaves the island can’t even put a loaded gun to their head and fire without the gun jamming or the bullet physically bouncing off their skull. Nonetheless, Michael, still in grief over the estrangement from HIS SON!, agrees to the dangerous mission and ends up on the boat as a deckhand with surprising (re: suspicious) ease. Since when did Michael care about his kid so much?? I’m not sure the earlier seasons did a sufficient job of making this connection clear.

THIS WEEK ON LOST: SOMEONE. DID. DIE.

I had my money on Michael biting it in last night’s semi-finale, but the lucky winners were Karl and Rousseau, who were both shot by faceless cohorts seconds before the final LOST thud, though I doubt Rousseau is actually dead — ever since Eyepatch dude came back to life four times, I’ll believe nothing until they invent a tv that I can reach into and feel pulses, and even then I’ll probably assume they just got bit by that super paralyzing spider. This proposes two obvious questions for us to spend the next four weeks mulling over at the water cooler (people still do that, right?) — who shot them, and did Ben know it was going to happen?

The answer to the second part is a resounding, obvious yes, if we recall how far out of his way Ben went to kill Juliet’s f*ck buddy, but as for who physically shot Karl and Rousseau, it would have to be either the surviving Others, Daniel and Charlotte if they somehow snuck away, or other secret members off the S.S. Widmore. The surviving Others would make the most sense, as they were likely aiming for those two specifically and could have known from Ben where they’d be located, plus Rousseau was shot the instant she stood up, whereas the shooters held off on shooting Alex before she even declared that she was Ben’s daughter.

TEAM BEN VS TEAM WIDMORE

Tom also informs Michael that, contrary to what the boat captain told Sayid and Desmond last week, Charles Widmore actually staged the 815 wreckage, not Ben, and shows Michael records of Widmore’s plane purchase and photos of the graves in Thailand that he dug up to get the bodies (does that mean all the people on the ship were Thai? Or were they too decomposed for it to matter?) We’ve got four weeks to draw up some t-shirts, but in the meantime, who ya believing, Ben or Widmore?

I’m leaning towards believing Ben, because him being “right” would explain Sayid (and possibly Jin) agreeing to work for him in the future, though it may be a personal bias affected by Ben’s lovable crypticness and Widmore just being a total meanie pants to Desmond (apologies for the language). We could also throw out the theory just for the eff of it that Ben and Widmore are actually working together, which would be really shocking, if only because it would make no sense and appear to be in complete opposition with everything that’s happened on the show for the last two years. Regardless, no matter who Jim Halpert ends up with, he’ll be financially set for life.

OCEANIC SIX: BABIES ARE PEOPLE TOO

If we’re to believe the ABC promo right after the episode, Aaron does, in fact, count as one of the Oceanic Six, thus dispelling the Michael / Locke / Secret Jin theories from last week — congrats to the National Orginization For Counting Babies As People When We’re Counting Survivors, who truly stuck to their guns in the comments last week. This episode did not provide any indication about what deal, exactly, ends up being struck between the islanders and Ben (or Widmore) that results in those six leaving the island and Claire and Jin allowing their respective devastating separations to occur.

PREDICTIONS FOR LOST’S RETURN

We got four weeks, might as well throw some ridiculous sh*t out there to keep ourselves warm:

The surviving Others have got to return relatively soon, they can’t stay in that Temple forever (at least move to the Complex or the Library, am I right, Goldeneye fans?) — will they finally make peace with Locke’s tribe? It seems unlikely that Ben would use them to escape and go off on his own, especially if he can successfully unite the islanders against the boat people.

How about a Widmore flashback episode? He’s gotten an awfully disproportionate amount of attention given that he’s barely appeared in the show, and never in the present.

How do Ben and his people jump back and forth to the mainland so easily? Are they stuck there now that the submarine is destroyed, or is there still some information he’s withholding? Maybe a Lear Jet in the Temple?

What happens when the boat people find out about Miles’ attempted dissent? Will Miles side with the islanders, or get killed, or succeed in getting paid? I vote for option A.

How will the boat people treat Sayid’s tattle-tale on Michael? I know Sayid is pretty cold-blooded, but he wouldn’t just stand there while the crew exacts revenge on Michael, especially given his need for the biggest number advantage he can get should the sh*t go down on the boat next half-season.

Will Claire do anything, ever?

We got four weeks, people — leave your super-sized observations and theories in the comments!