By Steve Schrader

Detroit Free Press Sports Writer

So ESPN the Magazine’s NFL Preview issue crunched the numbers for the Lions, and the bottom line is they’re going to go 7-9 — like last season.

But the way they get there — according to Advanced Football Analytics’ prediction of every game — is a mirror image of 2013.

First, the Lions will get everybody’s hopes up with a 35-21 victory over the N.Y. Giants, Sept. 8 on “Monday Night Football.”

Yay. But then it gets ugly.

Four straight losses grow into a 1-6 streak — losses to Carolina, Green Bay, the N.Y. Jets and Buffalo (hello again, Jim Schwartz), a win at Minnesota, then losses to New Orleans and Atlanta.

If you’ll remember, Schwartz’s Lions finished with a 1-6 streak to fall to 7-9 last season. So if ESPN the Mag is right, fans will suffer through a 3-12 streak between the two seasons.

But the second half of this season gets better as Jim Caldwell’s team wins five of their next six — our hopes are up again! — before getting the two losses they need at Chicago and Green Bay to clinch another losing season.

Of course, it’s just on paper. But it sure sounds like something they would do.

Quick hits

■ What do you call an Arnold Palmer if you add vodka? A John Daly. The golfer is promoting John Daly Cocktails, which come in 30-proof sweet tea, peach tea raspberry tea flavors (and so far in limited distribution). The slogan is “Grip it and sip it!”

■ Theonion.com’s fantasy football scouting report on Calvin Johnson: “The Lions star receiver will continue dominating opposing defenses, with his incredible stats expected to be as futile as ever this season.”

■ Ah, the tools of fragrance. Royals catchers Sal Perez and Alcides Escobar tell Fox Sports Kansas City that they wear ladies’ perfume like Chanel or Victoria’s Secret to counteract their rather rank equipment.

“One of them said I smell like a girl,” Perez said of umpires’ reaction. “That’s OK. Most of them like it, too.”

Bottom line

From Eli Manning’s Reddit Q&A: “After you throw an interception, do you want to punch the guy who caught it or do you mostly just feel sad?”

Eli: “I don’t think I’ve ever thrown an interception.”

Ha! Good one. I thought Peyton was the funny one.

Remember, Eli, the Giants and their new West Coast offense open the season against the Lions at Ford Field.

Compiled from staff reports and news services by STEVE SCHRADER, who can be reached at 313-222-6710 or sschrader@freepress.com.