Marthe Nzokou

I wanted to make sure I blogged about this topic because, although scary, depressing and rather morbid, I think it is important that we reflect on death. Individually, we must think of it, as it is part of life, part of nature. And as a family, we must choose to discuss it in order to relieve the pain that will undeniably follow upon such its occurrence. But I mainly wanted to use this blogging opportunity to make peace with my recent experience and find solace in its truth. Sadly, my father-in-law passed away this April, Mr. Mitik Beyene. After a stroke 8 years ago, his health had slowly declined throughout the years and unfortunately claimed his life, too short. His family was around him and with him throughout the last days of his suffering and thus the death came as a sense of peace in his relief rather than a shock.

Talk about New Year’s resolutions, I finally made one that I committed myself to seeing through, and guess what guys? I saw it through and reached my goal, with flying colors I might add! Of course, you already know, the journey consisted of some splitting migraines, long endless nights, dragged out quiet days, and more than a pinch of the wonderful hormones. Being pregnant was quite the ride and I am happy to now say, I got to my light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel ya’ll!

First, I had to make the decision to myself that I was prepared to go on such ajourney to begin with, which involved some serious reflecting time with myself. It’s an amazing change of perspective when a woman decides to make that leap; a leap into the unknown realm of motherhood, a scary yet very beautiful leap into the nature of creation. It was not easy to confidently take the next step in my life. It required me to really consider all that I had learned at AWiB, as far as my femininity goes. Everything I learned from all the self-development classes I attended on those Saturdays came in handy, preparing me beyond what I could have imagined I could achieve.

Contemplating the ways the world has failed itself and how humanity has lost its way, my parents and I debated the issue while heating by their fireplace. The past few months, we each seemed to be brought back to the subject, again and again, whether while discussing it at the family dinner table, or out chatting about it with friends over coffee, and of course being confronted by it on a daily basis by the news coverage and other media outlets. Interestingly, as well, it seemed the universe kept throwing me subtle signs that I had to react to the subject one way or another. I enjoy searching for analogies when trying to understand a certain concept. And so in the search for understanding, I came upon a wonderful piece of writing that brilliantly compared the world with the human body, imagine that!

At least once in our lifetimes, we’ve all been hurt by someone we love, and we have all hurt someone we love, whether we meant to do so or not. We have all gone through heartbreak, disappointment, and resentment. We’ve also gone through being in love, excitement, and joy in our lives, hopefully more than once in our lifetimes. It’s all a part of life throwing its many lessons our way for the sole purpose of our growth. Interactions and conflicts are both constant and necessary for the human species. We were created to connect and to bounce off of one another. Connections may always be pleasant and conflicts always stressful, it is nonetheless the way we coexist in this life. The question is then, how do we manage our relations? Hint: it’s all within ourselves!

I thought I was very sure of myself, very certain that I had walked the necessary paths to growth, found the right signs to enlightenment, sought out the right advices from my role models, and fought the right battles I had to overcome, but alas, boy was I wrong! I was nowhere near finding myself, on the path, yes, but nowhere near my transformed-me. The excitement of my internal change was so intense that it clouded my realistic judgment of my actual change. With everything about my life changing, career, relationships, and of course age, I was convinced that I was transformed, especially because I knew I was in a constant state of discomfort. But what was really happening, and is happening, is that I was, and still am, in the state of transforming. And that, people, is, unfortunately, not at all fun, pleasant, or close to being easy, but oh so rewarding!

I read somewhere that self-transformation was like the caterpillar becoming a butterfly analogy. In my case, I just barely realized I am the caterpillar and trying so hard to be my butterfly self; only I got caught in the mental chaos of my inner thoughts and turmoil that I led myself to believe I was already the butterfly since I was having all these I’m-changing feelings. I had to laugh at myself when I made the realization of my illusion, because being angry would only take me backwards after all the strides I had already made. Thinking I could just spread my wings and fly, I was so high on the adrenaline of my new found feelings that I almost lost touch of the reality. What reality, you ask? The reality of the process, ladies and gentlemen; oh the process!

Mine went, and is of course still going, a little like this:

Accept

To begin with, you must accept who you are just the way you are right now. Not what you were like yesterday, not what you would like to be tomorrow, but just exactly as you find yourself today. As a matter of fact, pat yourself on your back for everything you have become so far, no achievement is to be considered little. And don’t let your mind wonder into the realm of “oh but I still didn’t do this, and I still haven’t achieved that” and so on.

Recognize

Know what areas in your life you would like to better yourself. Make an effort to recognize your weaknesses but don’t forget your strengths meanwhile! Don’t think about it as changing yourself per say by denouncing how you are now, no, just think of how you’d like to be better. Because you are great now, and don’t you forget that, but if you want, you can be even greater!

Create

Create the environment for your transformation. Even the caterpillar is smart enough to seclude itself within its cocoon. Maybe you just need to set a new daily schedule that has a lot of time for you. Yes, you heard me correctly, some quality you-time. Conversations with yourself go a long way in structuring yourself for the new you.

Shed

Let go of everything! I mean everything from your personal demons like your constant self-critiquing, all those negative people in your life that you can do without, to all those bad habits you know you need to quit (and yes, that might include all that TV watching – just blowing my own horn here).

Become

Practice what you preach, as they say. Stay disciplined and follow through your commitment to transform yourself; you’ve got your personal formula – just go ahead and use it. No one’s way can also be yours, yours is yours truly to cherish, amend, adjust, readjust, delete, recreate, and dream as you see fit. And believe me you, you might just have to fumble quite a couple of times but look at it this way, the more bruises you form, the more colors you just might add to your wings. Watch yourself become the butterfly you were always meant to be. Become you!

Accepting myself as I am was quite a ride, and not the most enjoyable ride, I might add. But it feels good to check yourself, now and then to see where you stand as far as your weakness and strengths go. I was, and I believe I still am, quite determined yet lost, and of course motivated yet confused; but beautifully so, just saying. I make sure I don’t hold it against myself for still being in this transformative state. I’m enjoying suddenly being me! And so in the spirit of “transformation” and AWiB’s effort to help us find our inner voice, our way, our strength, our self-commitment, our courage, our confidence, and our peace of mind, I ask that you look within yourself and accept, recognize, create, shed and become suddenly you!

You know that sinking feeling in your gut when you are in transition from one phase of your life to the next, fearing the unknown, worrying of what’s to come, and the concern of your achievement? It’s a perplexing part of life that we cannot run away from, at least not when we are striving for the betterment of ourselves. We can choose to stay still and within our comfort zone, but then again what is the purpose of living then? If we do not push ourselves to advance in whatever areas of our lives, well, we just do not grow.

Change, as they say, is inevitable and a must. But why must it be so hard? I used to complain. To be honest, I wanted the easy way out of any situation and any transition, and of course I secretly still do. But lately I’ve noticed the more I try to escape my fears, the more they just keep popping up. As I attack one fear after another in my transitions, I keep being thrown more. Why, when I decided to change for the better, would there be so many obstacles?

Life has a mysterious way of handing you its obstacles and challenges accompanied with its marvels and pleasures. Scripted differently for each individual, it directs, produces and edits each life as it sees fit, such like a film. If you choose to accept the life handed to you, and work through its ups and downs, you may just be living your film in the likes of romantic comedies, and fairy tale endings. If you choose to continually complain of the life handed to you, with no true effort made on your part to see its’ good, well your film becomes more melancholy and dark. It all depends on the character you choose to be and the characters you choose to act beside you. The truth is that with persistent diligence and tireless gratitude, life truly presents itself to you as a gift; every time. You just got to choose to open your eyes to it.

What is the gift of life? Is it the mundane existence we have grown accustomed to? The robotic daily routines we follow, carrying out our so-called tasks or, better yet, our responsibilities? Is it the accomplishments we achieve necessary for our species to move forward, intellectually and physically? Or is it just the journey we march from birth to death, regardless of meaning or purpose of any sort? Is that what life is or should truly be about? Just to be alive, live and die? Does it even matter then? Well, that is up to you.