Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. But at least I have an amazing cable access show! And I still know how to party! But what I'd really love is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen! Shyeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

(when Garth asks what to do if Wayne ever met this one incredible woman, it'd make him want to hurl) I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

(admiring a '64 Pre-CBS Fender Stratocaster in a music store) It will be mine. Oh, yes — It will be mine.

(on seeing Cassandra for the first time) She will be mine. Oh, yes — she will be mine.

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Ex-squeeze me? A-Baking powder?

Reference to "Excuse me? I beg your pardon?"

Ah yes, it's a lot like 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. In many ways it's superior, but will never be as recognized as the original.

I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

(speaking to the camera) What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on! And you know what really pisses me off — [camera pans away] Wait, no, come on back.. OK, things aren't as bad as they seem... I'll figure somethin' out, OK?

Zang! ("Excellent" in Cantonese)

Pardon me — do you have any Grey Poupon?

(after being told not to play "Stairway to Heaven" at the guitar store) No Stairway. Denied!

Garth — that was a haiku!

(Wayne comments on the Suk-Cut) Wow, what a totally amazing excellent discovery— NOT!

(speaking in Cantonese to Cassandra)Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said "If you label me, you negate me"?

Ah, the Mirth Mobile...

But what I would like to do is something extraordinary, something big, something mega, something copia, something capacia, something cachunga, but I will probably end up working at great America mopping up hurl and lung-butter (nervous laughter).

(The Suk-Cut is demonstrated on his head) Turn it off, man, turn it off! It's sucking my will to live! Oh, the humanity!

(holding headset upside down) Come in, your landing gear is down!

Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

In the edited for TV version Garth states "Jamocha almond idiot" as the ice cream flavor.

Did you ever see that 'Twilight Zone' where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

(Garth finds a box in a drawer) Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww!

That bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln

(as policeman approaches) Yes; I definitely smell a pork product of some type.

Okay... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR-4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT-6, beam it back to SATCOM-3 Transponder #137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo! It's almost too easy.

Let me tell you a little something I've learned about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them. They loooooove it.

(After Wayne ditches Garth during the show's taping) I'm having a good time... not.

(speaking to the camera) I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder?

You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man?! am I supposed to say "That's okay, I don't mind"? (splashing water on his face to simulate tears and pretending to sob) I don't mind. Well, I mind! I mind big-time! (title saying OSCAR SCENE appears) And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.

Wayne: I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!

Benjamin Kane: Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is, he's the sponsor, and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.

Wayne Campbell: Well, that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor. (opens a pizza box, giving the audience a clear view of the Pizza Hut logo, then takes a slice of pizza and strikes a pose)

Benjamin: Sorry you feel that way, but basically, it's the nature of the beast.

Wayne:(holding a bag of Doritos) Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. (makes a show of eating a chip) Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Garth Algar:(dressed head-to-toe in Reebok sportswear) It's like people only do things because they get paid, and that's just really sad.

Wayne: I can't talk about it anymore. It's giving me a headache.

Garth: Here, take two of these. (drops two Nuprin into Wayne's hand, which is seen in black-and-white save for the yellow pills)

Wayne: Ahh, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.

Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big-leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.

Wayne: Yes, and it's The Choice of a New Generation. (drinks from a can of Pepsi)

Alan: Do I frighten you?

Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.

Alan: Do you want me to?

Wayne Campbell: So, do you... come to Milwaukee often?

Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600's to trade with the Native Americans.

Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office — that's what I did — and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!

Wayne: (being hugged by Terry) Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.

Terry: I love you, man.

Garth Algar (casually): Thank you. (continues dancing)

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.

Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the "mirth-mobile", staring at the stars.]

Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?

Wayne: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted, with only her cunning to protect her.

Garth: She's a babe.

Wayne: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".

Garth: If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln.

...

Garth: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?

Wayne: (cracks up laughing) No... No.

Garth: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?

Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.

Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.

Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these. (holds up pink slip)

Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.

Davy: Know what I'd like to do?

Glen: Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Davy: (blinks) Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.

Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans, of course, don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Wayne Campbell: Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?

Cassandra: College... and the "Police Academy" movies.

Benjamin Kane: We'll be in touch.

Benjamin Kane: He's in.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?

Wayne Campbell: Yeah?

Garth: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's not one of us?

Wayne: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.

Wayne Campbell: Interesting.

Benjamin Kane: So, Garth, what do you think of the new set?

Garth Algar: It's kinda like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

Wayne Campbell: Now tell me Noah. I always wanted to know. What is the difference between Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man really?

Noah Vanderhoff: Well, she has a bow in her head.

Wayne Campbell: That's it? Get right out of town!

Noah Vanderhoff:(laughing) No! That's it!

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.

Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

Inventor Ron Paxton demonstrates the "Suck Kut", a vacuum/haircutting device, on Garth. Garth cries out in pain over the roaring of the device as it sucks up his hair.

(Starting at 'I mean' and finishing at 'Wayne's basement', this is a haiku, i.e.:

I mean, we're looking/ down on Wayne's basement. Only/ that's not Wayne's basement.)

Terry: I love you, man.

Russell: And I love you. Because I've learned that platonic love can exist between two grown men.

Benjamin Kane: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America, almost to the top, but it can't get you everything.