I first want to apologize for slacking on my blog. After my last session of chemotherapy I was just exhausted and needed a break. I was then blessed with company for Thanksgiving. Chemotherapy and thankfulness are hard to comprehend, but it depends how you look at it. There is just so much in life to be thankful for that I will never be able to include them all. I am so grateful to be alive each and every day. I believe in God and know that without my faith I do not know if I could make it. My family is so loving and takes such good care of me. I am so blessed to have children and am so grateful. I am so fortunate to have them as so many people are alone. I am grateful for life, my home, my friends, pets, having food to eat a TV to watch and on and on. I just want to remind everyone not just those with cancer but everyone that we must always remember that each day is a gift. No matter what you do or do not believe, life is a gift from the day we are born.

The world so full of tragedy, stress, poverty, criminal acts and more that in the scope of it all when you just stop and think of it all, everyone has some type of problem in life. It goes back to the old saying that “it can always be worse”. If we all thought of that on a bad day, we would be grateful and thankful around the clock. It is just so easy to get caught up in our own issues. Having cancer is so real and scary. I get frustrated as I feel sick often and weak, then I freak out that we have truly not been able to keep up with our mortgage, let alone our bills. Then, I remember I could have no home to try to save, no car, no family and etc. My eyes are open. In fact I am lucky to see for real and walk and talk. Not that they were not before, but I just have days that it is hard to step out of my “box of problems”. I am working hard on myself to “keep my eyes open”, as many are in pain, poverty, alone, have cancer, can’t walk, no home and more. I am so thankful and grateful to be here, working hard to keep alive.

Life is a journey. It is full of ups and downs. As we walk the walk and live each day, there will be many awful and stressful times, but every once in a while something wonderful will happen and things will be calm for a bit. I will force myself to live for many more of those special moments. No matter how bad today is, tomorrow may be the best day of our life.

I want to start off and tell you that Giovanna is not my real name. My intention is to keep my personal life private and protect my family. I am keeping a daily log of what I am going though in hopes to help others who may be in the same situation. I am doing this as an inspiration for others; no matter how hard it gets or how many hurdles you have to jump or walls you have to break down. You can overcome anything. Every day I tell my cancer to, “get out of my body, get out of my body, and get out of my body.” I am doing this because it is mind over matter. It helps me get stronger and be more positive. I met this wonderful lady the other day. It was really weird that I happened to get into her line at the grocery store. She was the checker and she could tell something was wrong and my son told her we just found out I had cancer. She responded saying, “I am an eleven year survivor of breast cancer. I willed it out of my body, because I have a little boy and I need to be here for him. So, I treated it like a bad flu. I told myself I had a bad flu and not cancer. I took chemotherapy for breast cancer and did what I had to do to overcome my illness, and it has been in remission ever since. I changed my diet and I eat healthy by eating antioxidant-strong foods like, asparagus, artichokes, radishes, avocados, spinach and kale. “Then, she told me, “You have to do all that, be positive, stay strong, and be here for yourself and your family and you can overcome it. You are going to have to smile every day no matter how hard it gets and believe you will be fine and rid it out of your body.” My son told me on the way out of the grocery store, “She’s right; you have to smile no matter what. You have to tell it to get out of your body and every morning when you wake up and through the day say, I am healthy and strong, I am healthy and strong, I am healthy and strong.” Then he said, “If you have to convince yourself, and then say it all day long until you believe it yourself.” I am trying to believe it, but I need to keep convincing myself. I will work on mind, body and spirit every day.

Today, when I got up I was so bloated and nauseated. I have been coughing all night and I feel miserable. I feel constipated and need to have a bowel movement. I have to get this brain of mine wrapped around positivity. I have been depressed since my husband died in 1993 and my Mom the year after. On top of all of that, I have battled Schizophrenia since age 27. I am 76 now and if I can make it most of my life with schizophrenia, I can beat cancer. I know part of me is freaking out as my Mom died at 80 after her battle with breast cancer. What makes it worse is I had to experience the hell my husband went through with cancer, He first was diagnosed colon cancer which he overcame and then it turned in to liver cancer and finally Lung cancer. After three long years of fighting he gave up, especially when the doctor gave him 30 days to live. He went 6 months, so he put up a good fight, but he didn’t want to go. He was stubborn, he didn’t want to go to the doctor and by the time he finally went it was almost too late. I know in my heart if he just went early on he would be here today or at least have lasted another 10 years. He was the love of my life and the only man I was ever with. I’ve been lonely ever since he left my side and I sleep in a large bed next to an empty space. Oh how I miss our late night talks, tender kisses and intimate moments we had together. With him around, I felt like I could do anything; conquer anything, because he made me smile even when I was sad. He knew exactly what to say when I was low. I miss that.

I know he would want me to be strong and get through this. I have to push myself every hour, every minute of every day. I know life is a struggle, but I get frustrated when I think of how my family, other than my children are not there for me. My sister betrayed me when our Mother died. She “stabbed me in the back” while smiling in my face and turned my family against me all at her funeral. That was our breaking point and we have not spoken except for when we had to sell her property. In fact, my Mom’s entire side of the family does not speak to me. I have been so hurt ever since that day. And what really makes it worse that it was all based on greed. What makes me sick was the fact that her children were laughing at the funeral procession and saying “good riddance”. I can even take it a step further why I am not speaking to her and why I do not trust her is because she was taking our Mother’s belonging’s and selling them before she was even dead. I should have known better because years ago when my sister used to hit on my husband behind my back he always said she was a whore and good for nothing and never to trust her. He used to say, “The day I die she will become a manipulative bitch that she always has been.” He could always tell because she always acted so jealous of anything we did. Her marriage was a mess and her husband left her and moved across the U.S. with another woman to get away from her. My sister followed him, but he still ended up leaving her, but that story I’ll tell another day. My husband also said, “When my Mom dies be careful because she will turn the family against you because she was jealous of my relationship with my Uncles.” You know, before the cancer took over my Mom, she would tell me to watch out for her sister who is my Aunt and my own sister who was her daughter.. I did not want to believe her, but she was so right. I just don’t know what messes up families so much and why there is so much greed and jealousy when that part of my family is all billionaires, except for myself and sister who has never seen a cent of their money. I guess that when I think about it that is what’s wrong with the world.

Well, I actually have to go to the bathroom, thank God. I will chat later.