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Treasure
Of The Golden Suns Part Three

Reviewed: 08/01/2009

So much for that theory....

Yeap; it's time for part three of the Treasure of the Golden Suns
story arc and I'm sure this is Miss Beakly's/Webby's debut. If I'm
wrong again; then it has to be part four for sure. See; that is the
pitfalls of running the DVD and ranting the episodes cold. I haven't
seen Ducktales in a long time; so I often have little idea what I am
going to expect. Not to say that Ducktales didn't have any moments I
remember off my head (Send In The Clones, Scrooge's “Sea
Monster Ate My Ice Cream” promo instantly come to mind for
mne); but that's why I'm watching the episodes in full. So let's rant
on shall we....?!

This episode was written by Jymn Magon, Bruce Talkington and Mark
Zaslove and the story is edited by Jymn Magon. The script was
consulted by Tedd Anasti and Patty Cameron. The teleplay was done by
Jymn Magon and Bruce Talkington.

The animation is done by TMS; which should be a constant for most
of the season from 1987-1989; with the exception of a few episodes in
between; and of course the rest was done by Wang Films/Cuckoo Studios
combination. I believe they started the animation by committee
episodes in the 1990 episodes. Just to note; this is the last time
I'll be mentioning this as I'll be removing the animation studio list
from here on out. Unless I get an animation studio that is different
from Wang Films or TMS; there's no point in wasting anymore space
than I have to.

Opening Moment #1: The
title card for this episode is “Three Ducks of the Condor”.
I should point out that Disney stopped putting the logo of their on
their episodes show somewhere either around Winnie The Pooh or Chip
and Dale's Rescue Rangers which is around the time Peggy Charmon
started complaining about toy shows. Not that I'm accusing Peggy of
causing Disney to no longer use logo of shows that belong on these
episodes on their own products; but if that's the case, this would be
the most petty thing Disney has done. Minus doing the hatchet job on
Plunder and Lightning of course. Also; Peggy hates anthro role
models; or more to the point, any role model that is fiction. Fair
enough; too bad the number of REAL WORLD role models is getting
thinner by the second (that are still alive) and the pool was pretty
thin to begin with so the fiction role model will have to do. How
else can you explain the love for God?

We begin with a gate shot of Scrooge's
Home Away From Home (The mansion) which I'm sure will be the defacto
STOCK FOOTAGE OF DOOM now. Well; at least we get no CONTINUITY ERRORS
like we did at the start of the second episode. A woman proclaims
that she's next; but another proclaims that she's next. And so on and
so on until Duckworth nicely tells them to shut up. So we cut into
the lobby as Duckworth goes over the guest list on who will be taking
the position of nanny as we see various mallards dressed up like
stereotypical female nannies. Ah yes; you know this is DTVA pre-1989
when female characters were interesting; but still playing to female
roles and mannerisms. One of them is Miss Pecktronella Bruce (Russi
Taylor) who wears a purple dress (with white apron), a purple hat
with a yellow daisy and the old elder glasses. She gives Duckworth
the resume and then opens the door and the previous applicant runs
like the wind (an easterly wind) and then crashes in a MAN-SIZED bump
off-screen. Pecktronella takes her resume back and I assume she walks
off judging by that look of hers. Man; what is her problem?

So we head into the room itself as a
dogsperson accountant wearing a green visor hat and a blue trench
coat with smaller glasses wonders if they should barricade the room
as the previous applicant (or Pecktronella playing a prank on us for
whatever reason) runs away like a scalded duck in the background.
Hmmmm; scalded duck...SLURP! POW! OUCH! Ummm... Well; Scrooge is
picking a nanny to govern the nephews (because he doesn't want them
involved again of course); but of course the nephews don't like that.
So Scrooge asks the coin expert Mr. Changemaker (Frank Welker) about
his coin collection and Mr. Changemaker thinks it's most impressive.
Apparently; it's rare to see a Zatslovian seven cent piece. Somehow I
think that country will get involved in this series since
foreshadowing is DTVA's forte. Scrooge does the COIN TRICK OF DOOM
and out pops the Golden Sun Coin from the end of the second episode
in his hands. It would be tempting to call that logic break #1; but I
have seen legit coin tricks before so I'm going to let this one
slide. Scrooge asks Mr. Changemaker if he had seen it before and Mr.
Changemaker looks at it with the magnifying lens and it is a coin
from the Treasure of the Golden Suns and thus the pilot episode
begins in earnest.

Scrooge un-pulls himself from Mr.
Changemaker (You can be charged with assault for THAT!) and blows him
off because the treasure is only a legend. Yet; here is a golden coin
from that very treasure. Mr. Changemaker proclaims that this is the
second coin as Scrooge realizes that the boatload of treasure from
episode #2 was just the tip of the iceberg. Then he pulls on Mr.
Changemaker and demands answers to it's whereabouts. Changemaker
confesses that it is hidden in a fortress high in the Andes
mountains. And apparently the owner hates visitors. Must be because
he thinks they must be his parole officers. AHHAHAHAHAHA! Scrooge
drops Mr. Changemaker like a bad habit (with a good bump I might add)
and declares that he's never reckoned with Scrooge McDuck. In other
words; someone WORSE than a parole officer. So we cut to the nephews
play area (I think) as the nephews are playing Lasso the Bow Snake~!
Okay; not really as Huey has a snake, Dewey has the LASSO OF BANE TO
ALL ACTION CARTOONS EVERYWHERE (but since this is fantasy; it's all
okay) and Louie has a bow and arrow. Scrooge orders the nephews to
stand down and asks who he has to choose as a governess. And then we
finally cut to a fat lady duck with a violet dress, wearing purple
shoes and socks and you can tell she's older than Miss Bruce (Do I
smell a rib on the late Bruce Talkington somewhere?) defending
herself with a wooden chair. Hiding behind a coffee table is a six
year old girl wearing a pink shirt with a pink bowtie on her head.
The Fat Lady...POW! OUCH! Ummm....addresses herself as Betina Beakly
and thus begins the debut of what a lot of fans; more so females
called the two worst characters in the series not named Bubba The
Cave Duck.

Mrs. Beakly in a sad way is a
political hot potato in that she had the character to work well; but
her stereotypical mannerisms got in the way of success in getting
over. As I said earlier in a previous rant (The pilot episode to The
Adventures of the Gummi Bears); the reason most critics didn't
automatically condemned Grammi Gummi, Princess Calla and Sunni Gummi
is because they were in a time period where you would expect extreme
sexism. However; Ducktales basically takes place in the 1980's time
period (as least the elements were in place for it) where sexism
wasn't really going to fly anymore and Miss Beakly was considered too
behind the times. However; the problem with Beakly was not her
stereotypical mannerisms or role (since she chose that role and wore
it on her sleeve as we will see; and also Duckworth is basically
doing the same thing so Scrooge is a equal employer on that level at
least.); it was because she was ultra fussy. And in some ways it
dragged down episodes a little bit. Mrs. Beakly is voiced by Joan
Gerber who is another one of those who was a voice actress exclusive
for the most part; starting in 1959 with Matt Funday Funnies and got
her big break on the show Roger Ramjet (Dee/Lotta Love) along with
H.R. Pufnstuf. Don't get me started on that circus please. She did a
few live action shows; including being on Mathnet for Square One TV;
and her last credit was Duck Dodgers in 2003. She's making her DTVA
debut here and was on one other series: TaleSpin as Helga the maid
who is actually a parody of Mrs. Beakly (in that she dresses like her
and is a shrew and very EVIL. And I mean; playing with knives type of
evil.) for the episode The Balooest of Bluebloods.

Anyhow Scrooge blows her off because
she's not tough enough. HA! Considering that she hasn't run away yet;
I'd say she's got the job by default. The nephews agree with him
because they don't want a nanny see. Ah; I see the sexism just so
they can force Scrooge to take them with him is for all to see. Man;
no wonder Kit Cloudkicker is so awesome now. Beakly gleefully answers
that one for me as she asks why she is the only one here. HAHA! I
wonder what kind of answer they give eh? Louie tries to say that he's
Master Huey and Beakly calls that a fib. Well; according to Disney
Captions; the green guy is supposed to be Master Dewey so Louie isn't
as far off in the fib. Louie blows it off as he wonders how he can
tell them apart? Well; one is wearing red, one is wearing blue and
one is wearing green. Easy. Of course before this; they were wearing
the same color stuff and you couldn't tell them apart. Not that it
mattered since all three were the same character anyway. Scrooge is
impressed with this and asks for her resume and she responds that
she'll work for nothing...AND THE ROCK SEZS NOTHING! Wow...she must
be truly doing this as a sadist and Scrooge like that price and
shakes hands. The nephews are SHOCKED and APPALLED (in that order).
They should be lucky that they are only going to be not allowed to go
to the Andes and she's merely a servant to Scrooge. You could be in
Baloo's situation and having Rebecca as YOUR BOSS! Beakly of course
only wants room and board for her and her grand daughter Webbagail.
Scrooge isn't sure so Webby starts begging with that cute whining
voice of hers.

Ah; Webby Vanderquack (Russi Taylor),
a female child who also got caught in criticism for the similar
reasons of sexual stereotypes; but also got problems with her pink
bow and whiny like voice. I personally believe that the pink bow
thing is absurd and it's just people walking into offense more than
anything else. Mainly because when you take the episodes as a whole
and look at what Webby does as a character; she is pretty decent. Not
Molly Cunningham awesome; but still good enough at this point. As for
her voice; this is one area that can be criticized on the level of
watching DTVA in the past. I think the real problem with Webby's
voice is that Jymn Magon and Ginny McSwain brought in Janna Michaels
for Molly and once they used a real child who had halfway decent
talent on her own accord; it made some people believe that they
felted absolutely cheated with Webby. As in; it didn't sound right
which is something I mentioned in The Bad Reflection On You OAV
Re-rant a few months back. Of course; you have to make the same
argument with the nephews as well. Then again; judge not right?!
Scrooge decides to relent since Webby doesn't eat a lot (SEXIST!) and
then thinks that Beakly can teach those three monsters a lesson in
manners. Oh man; they better not meet Kit Cloudkicker; because then
they will see a monster at work. The nephews blow it off like the
sexists that they are. Wow; this is truly the opposite of Plunder and
Lightning because Kit was SO happy to see the little girl walk in.
Scrooge loves this as he blows his cover and admits that he can relax
while he's gone that the nephews will be in good hands. And of course
the nephews ask where he is going. That wasn't very smart of you
Uncle Scrooge. So we cut to...

….A workshop somewhere in
Duckberg as Scrooge is talking to a goofy hippie like duck with red
hair wearing blue pants, a pink shirt with black suspenders (now
there's a fashion sense you don't see everyday) , glasses and a
yellow hat. Man; does every major adult babyface in Duckberg (minus
Donald and Duckworth) have vision problems or something? He's playing
with the JAWS OF HALF LIFE as it picks up yellow gumballs from a jar.
Can you say overkill? I knew you could. This is Gyro Gearloose (That
just writes itself; doesn't it?); the inventor Scrooge (and everyone
else) goes to in Ducktales. Think Professor Buzz only with a lot more
exposure. Gyro is voiced by the late Hal Smith and if he's anything
like Professor Buzz; then he wins profits from me. Scrooge wants Gyro
to build him an airship so he can go to the Andes. He needs it for
the steep mountains. Gyro tells him he'll think about it for a
minutes and then puts on the pogo stick helmet and bounces with
really wussy bumps on the wooden floor with his head. In any other
universe; Gyro would be dead but as you will see Scrooge will
outclass Gyro in this department in another episode. Gyro proclaims
that there would be a problem landing the plane. And it's got to
attach to a rockface and he's got it as he bounces back to his feet.
That spot would have worked better if the bumps were MAN-SIZED; but
it was cute as Scrooge asks him of the ship will take him very long
to build. Gyro goes to the closet and finds his vice claws to run out
and claw on the machine as this will take a very long time...and he
him wants to come back after lunch. So GYRO'S the one who invented
the internet?! It all makes sense now..

So we head to the junkyard outside
Gyro's house (check the trash in the foreground as we see a
helicopter with long talon legs made of steel and it's shaped like a
condor. Gyro calls it the Golden Condor. Does Gyro and Buzz exchange
notes by chance; because they had a golden helicopter in Baloo
Thunder called the Cruisin-art?! Scrooge climbs in through the mouth
into the cockpit as Gyro proclaims that it will soar like a mountain
bird and will causes little bear cubs on airfoils to crash into them
like a bird in the window. Okay; he didn't say that, but it is
implied. Or maybe not. Scrooge swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE (Great
Scott!) as he realizes that he cannot fly this by himself and needs
someone to do it. Now wait a minute? Didn't Scrooge fly an airplane
in episode #2? Oh wait; it's too complex for him to fly it; my
mistake. Gyro suggests that there is one pilot stupid enough to do
this and Scrooge doesn't like it. However; I do as Gyro proclaims
that it's Launchpad McQuack. HAHA!

This is Launchpad's official DTVA
debut; although if you count my ranting career; HE'S BACK! Folks; the
Launchpad you are about to see is the real Launchpad McQuack. Not the
pod one we ultimately got from Darkwing Duck who cracked a few jokes
and did contrived story lines. This is the “Crash A Plane A
Minute” wise-cracking Launchpad fans everywhere loved as he was
the most monster over character in the series. To the point where
Launchpad was considered in a spinoff before being replaced by Baloo
because Eisner wanted Walt Disney stars (since he was milking them
see). That would be TaleSpin; and in hindsight it was probably for
the best because LP was never the same outside of Ducktales. Of
course I could have lived without them burying Kit Cloudkicker
though. Launchpad is voiced by Terry McGovern who started in movies
like TMX 1138, Smile and American Graffiti. Then it was onto live
television getting bit roles on The A-Team, Three's Company, The
Facts of Life among overs. He started voice acting in The Jetsons and
Kissyfur in 1985 and did some odd productions (First & Ten)
before finally breaking out with Launchpad in his DTVA debut of
Ducktales and then made cameos in Raw Toonage and a main star in
Darkwing Duck. Although main star is a misnomer with Drake around. He
has since been a voice in video games starting with Lego Island in
1997 and ending with Sam & Max Season 2 last year.

So we head to the flashback (which was
pretty sloppy I might add) as we see a red baron plane go into a
tailspin (BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!). I see he's already prepping for the
Ducktales spinoff. Too bad Eisner's values don't match the producers
values. And of course; Launchpad had lost control as he spirals down
calling for a mayday. We then get an awesome spiral shot from the
cockpit with Launchpad's back to us as the airport controller (Chuck
MaCann) yells at him to bail out as he doesn't have a chance. The
whipping of the scarf is awesome as Launchpad proclaims that he never
bails out of a crash. HAHA! See; parachutes make him airsick which
has got to be the funniest (and most ironic) excuse I have ever
heard. So we cut to the ground level of the airfield as Scrooge and
Gryo are near air traffic control and Scrooge declare that he is in
big trouble as the plane spirals and then does the third nastiest
bump I have ever seen in a DTVA cartoon into the ground with a crash
and explosion. HOLY CRAP?! Launchpad could be dead; but since this is
DTVA, he'll probably be all right. I think they recycle this for the
finish of A Star Is Torn.

Gyro and Scrooge take off their hats
thinking that he's dead; but out walks Launchpad all right with only
flames on his scarf. GOOFY PILOT ON FIRE! HAHA! Or maybe not quite;
but I had to get the line in. Launchpad stops in front of them; takes
his white scarf and blows the flames out remembering to blow smoke in
Gyro's face. HAHA! Methinks Launchpad has a problem with nerds as he
calls this big rubble, no trouble. How can you not like the real
Launchpad?! He asks about the job and Scrooge proclaims that he needs
his head examined. Launchpad slaps his back and calls him Mr. McD
just to cement the pet names he normally uses and proclaims that if
it has wings he can crash it as they walk off. HEH-HEH-HEH.
Thankfully; the Golden Condor has none so Scrooge is perfectly
safe...apparently. Scrooge hopes his medical insurance is paid up on
the walk as he is being squeezed by LP. HEE HEE!

So we head to the launchpad near the
mansion (the one with the dollar sign painted in red) as the Golden
Condor has finally landed so to speak. Scrooge tells the nephews and
Miss Beakly (with Webby) that this mission is too dangerous for them.
Huey pleads that they could be some help. Considering WHO is flying
the Golden Condor; I for once have to agree with Scrooge. Duckworth
arrives to get his ten seconds of work in the episode by giving
Scrooge a telegram on a golden hubcap like platter. Scrooge opens it
and proclaims that he owes it to Donald not to have them gallivanting
around with him. Oh come on Scrooge; why not just tell them Launchpad
is a bad pilot who could kill them with his bad flying skills? It's
not like Launchpad is going to be offended by that; since he is the
“Crash A Plane A Minute” type of guy. Huey proclaims that
they need someone other than Launchpad to help him and somehow
Scrooge has found their replacements as Donald has a three day pass
while his ship is in Panama.

Well; so much for getting Donald out
of the show. The nephews call this unfair. I'll tell you what's
unfair: You getting character slaughtered in 1996; and Kit
Cloudkicker who is more over than you three combined (They don't him
the MIRACLE WORKER for nothing you know) getting buried by Eisner.
Scrooge proclaims that he's doing what's best. I agree with him with
Launchpad around as Scrooge wants a hug and the boys turn their backs
on him. Of course they want him to take them along because they DON'T
want to deal with Miss Beakly and Webby. Kit wouldn't stay simply
because he needs a rush for adventure; not because he doesn't like
Rebecca and Molly. Not a condemnation; but an observation as Scrooge
proclaims that he'll miss them as he walks into the helicopter and
tells Mrs. Beakly to take care of them and she sells. Of course the
nephews whisper-yell to annoy me as they'll take care of her first
complete with evil snicker.

Now I'm sure that we'll NEVER hear
from these ducks again. No siree!

So we head to the skies inside the
cockpit as Launchpad is flying the Golden Condor and I'm sure Scrooge
is sweating to the oldies. As in his own life of course. They are
near the Panama Canel (check the locks on the river below in the
foreground) as Scrooge invokes the binoculars to distract himself as
he sees Donald on the airplane carrier talking to someone in a desk
with white papers. He is Donald's lieutenant (another dogsperson
wearing blue navy police suits with a face that says: I'm going to
have roast duck for supper if you point that camera at me.) and this
ought to be fun as Donald fiddles with the camera of death which just
isn't funny anymore. You have to have it in your bow tie see.
Donald's lieutenant gets FLASHED and blinded as he takes a decent
bump off his chair onto the floor. Donald apologizes for that and
tries to help him; but he destroys the paper stack of course. HEE
HEE! Scrooge thinks this is all normal and tells Launchpad to land
the Golden Condor and of course Launchpad does the nosedive. HAHA!
Donald's lieutenant gets up and blows of Donald's funny stuff as
Donald has to take it. Well; they don't call it the FCC Navy for
nothing you know.

Donald's lieutenant (Frank Welker)
stamps a pass for him with the black stamp and gives it to Donald to
inform him to be back in 72 hours or be in hot water. Somehow; that
phrase would be considered literal so I would listen if I were you
Seaman Duck. Oh man; that was more disturbing than the writers had
intended. Donald's lieutenant gets up and starts the countdown as the
JAWS OF HALF LIFE grab Donald by his sailor hat and he flies away
with the Golden Condor as Donald protests this outrage. HAHA! Donald
gets pushes up into the Golden Condor cockpit (how does that work?)
as Scrooge greets him. Donald is confused for a moment and then he
blows off Scrooge and Launchpad for treating him like a toy inside
one of those vending machines. I would LOVE to see Donald strangle
Launchpad right now; but the FCC brainwashing will likely prevent him
from such actions. Launchpad wonders what's wrong with his voice and
wonders if he grabbed him by the neck as Donald's temper seems to be
coming back as he rolls up his sleeve. Scrooge stops him before we
have Donald go all choke on LP as Scrooge introduces him to LP.
Donald blows him off and then walks stage left only to make the fatal
error of not seeing where he is going and takes a good bump into the
wooden box. Which I'm sure will be used at some point. Launchpad
calls him a coupla quarts low. BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! Psychological
Projection much there LP?

So we cut to outside as the Golden
Condor is flying across the mountains. See; it doesn't have wings so
Launchpad cannot crash the thing. At least in theory. The dust on the
bottom is pretty neat as a visual as LP proclaims that he sees
something as we see a fortress on top of a mountain and it's a pretty
decent sized one too. Scrooge agrees with me as he wants a closer
look and land and then we have trouble as the Golden Condor is having
problems much to Donald's disdain. Launchpad proclaims that it is the
freakish mountain winds. Interesting swear in DUBBED ANIME STYLE
because dubs didn't like the word freaks back then. And the the
Golden Condors goes into a dive as their hats float in mid-air in a
neat spot. Launchpad cannot control the ship, DUH! All three of them
do a see no evil promo (Launchpad's is pretty funny considering that
he's supposed to CONTROL the damn thing.) and they fall down and we
fade to black with a crash sound and the most drug induced crash
effect I have ever seen. In crimson red I might add. HOLY CRAP?! And
you thought the special effects guys from those bad movie's were
cheap?!

So we come back as we get a shot of
the Andes mountains (to show how cheap that special effect crash
WAS...) as there are clouds going in Mode 7 as we pan northeast as
the GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE are okay; but the Golden Condor is slightly
damaged and hanging by a thread on a ledge. The talon legs are
currently saving if from the sheer abyss as Launchpad calls himself
the king of wings. Yeah; violate ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 (Thou
shalt not rhyme; because it's COOL!); that will get you over
LP. Scrooge helps Donald up as Launchpad proclaims that it's not the
same without a real Launchpad landing. HAHA! And the wind is whipping
around the entire time; just to make LP look like a bigger dick.
Sadly; the Golden Condor falls into the abyss below as the claws let
go. D'OH! And then it crashes for real with smoke (AND THAT'S BAD FOR
YOUR HEALTH, MOVIE RATING AND DONALD DUCK'S HEAT!) as Launchpad feels
much better. HAHA! Scrooge blows it off and gives the homing device
(a blue box which looks like a drink box) to LP and orders him to
find the plane. Launchpad whines about climbing down; so Scrooge
threatens to push him down. Okay; he didn't say it; but it's implied
as Launchpad gets the point and he's climbing down. HEE HEE!

So Donald and Scrooge walk towards the
entrance and the gates (which has the Golden Suns logo on it) and
they slowly open it as something is going on inside. Donald and
Scrooge enter quietly (as Scrooge blows off Donald for being loud) as
we see a Spanish Captain in armor with the biggest color clash I have
ever seen along with a mustache and beard addressing the native who
are praying on the altar before the Golden Sun God. I believe this is
Joaquin Slolee who makes a cameo appearance here and he's voiced by
Peter Cullen. Peter started in 1967 with The Buddies television
series and as an announcer of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour along
with being various characters in the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour. He
started getting into animation with the 1980 Spiderman as the Red
Skull and then as Hulk and Mysterio in the 1981 Spiderman and His
Amazing Friends. However; his breakout role was the Transformers in
1986 as Optimus Prime and Ironhide. Ducktales was his DTVA debut;
although he didn't get a major role until Rescue Rangers as Kirby and
Muldoon along with the second Monty. He was also Gritty in Gummi
Bears in the 1990-1991 season; had a cameo in TaleSpin; had a few in
Bonkers before settling into his role as Eeyore in all Winnie The
Pooh productions after 1988. He also reprise his role as Optimus
Prime in the new remake live action Transformers movies and video
games. He even did an anime show: IGPX: Immortal Grand Prix as the
narrator.

So Joaquin has the golden coin in his
paws and blesses it. Oh boy; can you smell the religious references
pouring out of this one? The crowd pops golden sun like a manly man
on drugs as we cut to Donald (with camera no less around his neck)
and Scrooge noticing the coin. Donald has got awesome eyesight to be
able to tell from THAT distance away. I certainly couldn't tell
myself. Of course we see the Golden Sun coin to force the point to
the viewers as Donald takes out the camera because he wants a picture
of this and Scrooge begs him not to do it. Sadly; Donald snaps the
camera and it flashes blowing their cover as Joaquin calls them
intruders. And you can tell it's Joaquin because he has the Optimus
Prime voice on full blast too. I'm guessing the savage chef (Hal
Smith) is the native wearing the golden quail helmet on his head and
a gold coin purple cape which we don't see from the rest. Scrooge
giggles as he is seriously screwed and the two have got to run as
they bail stage left.

The savages follow as Joaquin just
stands there and cuts a nasty promo commanding them to destroy them.
I see they are still getting the BS&P out of their system when it
comes to the words kill and die. I should point out that the savages
run sequence simply loops the same sequence three times in a row. So
we see Scrooge and Donald run down the hill to fetch a pail of Savage
Nuts. AHHAHAHAHA! POW! OUCH! Ummm...And of course there is no where
to run as they are on A CLIFF! Scrooge swears in DUBBED ANIME STYLE
(Curse me Kilts!) because they are trapped; DUH! The savages run
towards them as Scrooge stands on a rock and has his cane ready to
MURDER them. Like I'm taking this seriously from a 65 year old senior
citizen?! The natives come close and that officially ends the segment
about nine and a half minutes in. Wow; that was a pretty short
segment for the first act....

After the commercial break; we see the
natives on the far sky shot run towards our GOOFS WITH ATTITUDE as
Scrooge calls them haggis-faced galoots. Oooooo; those were manly
words Scrooge. NOT! Donald shows the weakest knuckle up skills in
history so Scrooge whacks him hard in the back of the head and Donald
falls flat on his face. HAHA! Like Scrooge did that one by accident.
I see Molly is taking notes as we speak. Donald is out like a dead
duck and Scrooge attends to him by whacking him against the ground
with his face. Yeah; that'll wake him up, in hell of course. Scrooge
continues this silliness and then the Golden Sun Coin drops onto the
ground and then the natives start chanting gold sun in unison. Man;
it doesn't take much to amuse them I guess. And the coin is glowing.
Is Sun Woo seriously doing effects animation on the side for TMS?
Maybe that explains why Sun Woo got hired as an animator in 1989.
Scrooge grabs the coin and blows them off because they think he's a
high priest too. Well; it's nice to know that you can say priest in a
Disney cartoon; but not in a Nintendo game in 1987.

Donald recovers as Scrooge jumps off
of him and proclaims that the natives like his MONEY, MONEY, YEAH,
YEAH too. Um; no Scrooge, they chant because the Golden Sun God
Religion is brainwashing them. Think Fred Phelps only a lot less
offensive. Joaquin enters and he is PISSED because they are praying
to the wrong guy apparently. I think this guy should rethink his
brainwashing techs if he's getting screwed so easily like that. He
then realizes that there is another coin and goes to get Scrooge; but
the two bouncer savages (wearing green and yellow dresses) who seems
to have TMS distracted because they didn't even try to draw toes for
them either. And even in this culture; they don't get it that Gedo
equals bad fashion sense. They chant again as Joaquin tries to
explain that they are really the enemy; but no dice. Scrooge butts
forward and does the EAR TRICK OF DOOM to steal the second coin from
him as they are his children now. Joaquin recoils and decides to wait
until he gets a chance to MURDER them later and welcomes the sun
priest (Religious references #2) as I wait with baited breath for
them to say god in any context. And of course Disney Captions
addresses him as Slowly (instead of Slolee like Chris Barat has it)
and he is the host of this brainwashing exercise as Scrooge and
Joaquin shake hands which is kind of like shaking hands with the
devil at this point. The natives pop on that one too by the way.

So we cut to the cliff way as
Launchpad slides along the edge (which is only about two feet tops,
natch) as he notices in the background; a large city of South
American condos (his words; not mine). And apparently it's not rush
hour either as we get the dreadfully crappy Wuzzle scene changer as
Launchpad walks into one of the condos and then takes out the homing
drink box device of doom and it beeps better than Scrooge's beeper.
He then walks into a room and notices the Golden Condor which crashed
through the ceiling as according to LP; it will never play the violin
again. Baloo stole that quote for Kit's airfoil in The Idol Rich and
that got Kit quite pissed off. And apparently someone is going to be
teed off; which is a nice way of saying PISSED...and that no one is
home. Sadly; he come the native on the back shot as they got
Launchpad cornered. So we cut back to the entrance inside as Joaquin
blows off Scrooge for interfering in his plans to brainwash these
backwards savages.

Plus; he wants the coin back as Donald
is now PISSED off and rolls his sleeve because he wants to fight. Oh
goody! At least one person isn't all that affected by his
brainwashing. Maybe the FCC Navy should invest in Joaquin's techs
after all; since they work better than theirs. And naturally; Donald
is talking so badly that Joaquin cannot understand what the hell he
is talking about. Yeah sure Joaquin; you're just playing with his
mind now as Donald gets madder and Scrooge forces him back because
Scrooge is a MAN see. Scrooge wants to negotiate; but he has question
he wants answered. Oh goody; I see BS&P is back on task again.
Joaquin blows him off because he doesn't answer to peasants see; even
rich ones. Scrooge tips the helmet and forces the point: See it my
way; or no coin and Joaquin finally concedes to him. Scrooge wants
everything of course so we get the dreaded scene changer again.....

And we cut to Scrooge, Donald and
Joaquin walking up onto the altar as Joaquin explains about his
family living here for 400 years as he relates the story of his
ancestor Marching Slowly (Now there's a pun I didn't need to hear)
showing a statue of him...And then we get the dreaded flashback as we
see Marching Slowly (the thin dogsperson wearing the same type of
armor fashion sense as Joaquin) along with his partner Walking Slowly
(the fat dogsperson wearing the same type of armor fashion sense.)
carrying the sacks which contain boatloads of the treasure of the
Golden Suns on the beaten path. And yes; I made up the fat boy's name
if you didn't notice. However; the pun was RIGHT THERE waiting to be
targetted. Sadly; they were betrayed as the captain sailed away
without them as we see the sailboat sail marching slowly away from
the east. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! The goofs pump their fists in outrage as
they were left with one gold coin left. HEE HEE! There we see a
Captain on the ship sailing proudly as I wonder: He looks like a
young El Capitan. Hmm; foreshadowing? In this show? Nah; couldn't be.

Scrooge asks more questions and
Joaquin explains that Marching Slowly and his partner Juan Tanamera
(Now that's a quality name!) made a map and tore it into two pieces.
And we see Marching tearing the treasure map apart into two to force
the point as Joaquin explains that they then went their separate
ways. Juan sailed away on an ocean current from Rioeo; never to be
heard from again. And apparently; he was murdered by a bunch of
sharks on a life raft judging by the shot they used to force the
point. Marching Slowly of course is seen with the natives who accept
him with open arms and cheering as they are sun worshipers (making
him the smart one of the team). Joaquin is happy though to have the
real power which is the gold coin which he somehow got back from
Scrooge with no rhyme or reason. That is logic break #1 for the
episode as a woman goes over to give Donald a trade of fruit and then
Joaquin turns heel and uses his foot to knock her down onto the
ground and splatter fruit all over Donald's head. I smell Toon Disney
cut here as Donald protests this outrage and I don't blame him. That
was pretty abusive to do.

Scrooge blows him off and calls him a
petty tyrant which is one of the few times I have ever heard Disney
used that word at all. I guess Eisner got spooked and thought it was
a rib on his micromanaging skills. I wish it was actually. Donald
wants to fight as he runs in and tries the POWER OF THE PUNCH; but he
aims for the chest and not the face (which is a no-no on DTVA until
1990.) and Donald's hand swells up like a balloon. Wow; he's trying
out for Darkwing Duck already and the show doesn't even exist in Tad
Stones' little brain. Actually; having Donald in that show would have
rocked, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Sadly; Donald
takes a MAN-SIZED bump into the STATUES OF THE GOLDEN SLOWLYS (while
selling the hand injury with grace and respect.) and they fall like
dominoes. Scrooge orders Donald to go help Launchpad find the Golden
Condor and Donald protests this; but Scrooge blows him off. Donald
storms out blowing him off as being bossy. He must mean Grimitiz; or
as Disney Captions sees him Clemons. Joaquin does the standard you
will pay for this speech and Scrooge fully intends to pay; as long as
he gets the map in return. Joaquin refuses because it's been in his
family see and Scrooge blows it off as too long because he'll never
use it; whereas Scrooge will; remembering to use the cane to force
the point. Considering that the cane is full of wood and head shots
aren't allowed; I wouldn't take Scrooge seriously here. He gets the
second coin and he's twice as powerful as he does the coin trick and
tells Slowly to think about it. While we ponder his answer; that
logically leads to....

Donald Duck going into the South
American houses as Donald blows off Scrooge like Kit on speed dial
for being too young to fly. He even does a decent Cloudkicker kick
just to show Kit how to do it. Donald sees the Golden Condor in front
of him which is damaged in the town square which is logic break #2
for the episode because I wonder how those native managed to move
such a thing. I'm guessing it has to do with Larson and Gary's Native
Roids. It wouldn't surprise me if they were racists; since they had
no respect for nerds. Donald looks for Launchpad and hears yelling as
he climbs onto the roof of the house and then notices on the far shot
a bunch of natives along with the chief (check the golden helmet) as
he has Launchpad caught and basically tells him to be a birdman or
die. Ahh; I see the Ubi Soft marketers are having their field test
today as Launchpad jokes off on that one. Oh; but he isn't going to
be a birdman as they brings out the wooden wagon and it contains a
big ass vulture; probably the father of the condor Kit got nailed
good with in Destiny Rides Again. Launchpad gets to fly it see as LP
gulps on cue. HAHA! See; make the joke and then pay it off. Donald
calls this bad and I disagree with him. This could be the best part
of the entire episode as the native guards (who seem to have lost 100
pounds each since we last saw them) do the old HEEVE HO HOPPO OF
DOOM. POW! OUCH! Ummm....

Launchpad lands on his ass on the
condor and the chef proclaims that this test shall begin. The wooden
gate is unlocked and it is ON BABEE! Launchpad flies like a drunk
bull rider as the condor soars up and does a hyperbole in reverse;
causing Launchpad to lose his seat. However; LP grabs the tail
section before he free falls as the natives cheer for death. They are
so like the hardcore fans; as it doesn't take much to amuse them or
hate someone. Donald tells him to hang on as LP hates riding coach.
You just hate it when you cannot crash a plane on your own there.
Besides; you are getting MONSTER over with this so just shut up and
enjoy the ride. More flying as Donald gets his trusty camera and
decides that he'll fix his little wagon as he invokes the XENON FLASH
OF DEATH and Condor gets it right in the face. He goes blind as
Launchpad falls and takes probably the fourth sickest bump I have
ever seen off his ass off the roof and bounces right back onto the
back of the condor. OUCH! I think LP's tailbone must be broken right
now.

LP thanks Donald and then covers his
eyes because HE'S the real pilot of this outfit see as Donald jumps
for joy. The natives are scared to death at this godly show of
strength by LP (HA!) as Launchpad calls him Polly and Polly flies
like the wind as the native chant Birdman on cue. Yeap; this is the
new Ubi Soft test guys they used for their Imagine Babyz game that
sold nearly 2.5 million units on DS. They run off as Donald joins
with them as we logically return to...….Scrooge and Joaquin
continuing to argue and Joaquin no sells Scrooge's deal. It's a
matter of honor see and the debate has to stop because here comes
Launchpad with his arms around Polly's eyes as it looks like he is
going to crash again into the front of the building of the fortress
and that ends the segment almost 15 and a half minutes in.

After the commercial break; we
continue with Launchpad's nosedive of Polly the Condor as he bursts
right through the wooden Golden Sun Gate like a box of exploding
popcorn and then takes a MAN-SIZED bump right into the stone altar to
end that as Joaquin groans with outrage at something as we cut to
Launchpad dazed and confused along with the condor. As they say; if
it's got wings he'll crash it. It's called making the joke and then
paying it off. Joaquin grabs a wooden stake (from the door I betcha
since LP did ZERO damage to the altar) and wants to MURDER LP into
ancient history. Considering Drake's burying skills; this isn't a bad
idea on paper. On the other hand; LP becomes a one shoter and loses
all heat from it. Sadly; the natives run in and save him with the
chants of Birdmen. Now I know why game companies don't get the nature
of flight when it comes to Wii. They watch this show for pointers.
Donald enters as the natives (and the children) grab Launchpad and
give him the football celebration which made zero sense to me since I
always thought of it to be an American thing; but whatever.

LP wants a rain check on that one and
speaks some Spanish to piss Joaquin off. Joaquin then finally
concedes defeat and agrees to the trade as along as his friends just
go away. Scrooge twirls his cane on that one as we cut to the cliff
as the Golden Condor get lifted up with the rope pulley and the
natives as Scrooge blows off LP and Donald for nearly blowing the
deal. Huh?! How? Scrooge was LOSING until Launchpad came in with the
condor and the natives chanting birdmen. I think Scrooge DOES need
his head examined. The deal takes place tomorrow afternoon and
Scrooge doesn't trust him see. Because the deal is taking too long
for his liking see. Scrooge wants LP to fix the plane by tomorrow as
Launchpad doesn't like it because he's only a pilot and not a fixer
see. LP violate the ANIME DUB CONDUCT RULE #12 again as Donald gags
himself because he needs to be at the office tomorrow; or the FCC
Navy will hang his neck which of course Launchpad doesn't understand.
Scrooge blows them off as he leaves telling them to fix the plane.

So we go to the Golden Condor near the
cliff AFTER HAPPY HOUR (read: after dark) as Launchpad proclaims that
the engine is busted completely and that the Golden Condor is dead.
So; the only way out is to fly the vultures out of here; but he
doesn't know how to take off and get it off the ground. Donald
proclaims that he has a MIMI JOKE ZONE PLAN for that and LP gets to
handle the takeoff. Launchpad gets the wrench and torch and walks off
as things are worse then he thought because he's beginning to
understand him. HAHA! Launchpad was just playing with us all along
because Donald has a bad temper see. It's one of those reading
between the lines things the writers are so well known for. So it's
finally morning as we cut to a far shot of the altar as the natives
kneel down before Scrooge and Joaquin who are at the top of the altar
showing off their Golden Sun Coins shining in the light. Joaquin
gives him half of the map and Scrooge's eyes go all dollar signs on
him as Scrooge calls this a deal and gives him the second Golden Sun
Coin in exchange without incident. Joaquin holds up the coin and then
cuts a promo calling him an intruder and that he offended the sun
coins as Scrooge runs out quickly realizing that Joaquin has finally
turned heel for real as the natives go to their wooden wagons to
unleash the condors and destroy the evil ones. Scrooge runs to the
Golden Condor as he tells the gang that he was double-crossed. NO?!
REALLY?!

So Scrooge gets in and Launchpad tells
him to row like crazy as there are oars in the Golden Condor now.
Donald has tied a huge rock with some rope to something which I'm
sure is going to backfire in their faces soon enough. Donald finishes
his work and proclaims that they are ready for takeoff and of course
Scrooge doesn't understand what the hell he is saying. Launchpad does
though (now that's a scary thought!) as Donald is cued as he pushes
the rock over the cliff with the stick and then runs to the side as
the Golden Condor flies up into the sky and he waves from the sky
shots. Scrooge rows a bit and then gets the LIGHTBULB OF BLOODY
CLAIRTY because they forgot Donald. I just knew Launchpad didn't like
Donald judging by THAT gaffe. Launchpad tells him to row as he'll go
back and get him as the Golden Condor and tries to dive towards
Donald who is waving for him; but the condors attack and grab him by
the shoulders. Do they honestly WANT to get Donald pissed off?!
Seriously; do they?! Launchpad considers this not part of the MIMI
JOKE ZONE PLAN so; he invokes the JAWS OF HALF LIFE right on Donald's
foot! OUCH! That's going to leave a mark in more ways than one!

Condors do the tug of war spot which
is only going to serve to piss Donald off even more. Thankfully; the
sailor suit rips and Launchpad wins as Donald hangs upside down with
his foot caught as the savage condors take on both sides of the
wings. Launchpad counters that with the 360 Counter Spin which bashes
the condors away and makes Donald feel like he's going to MURDER
someone. We get the cut to the cliff with Joaquin blowing this all
off and ordering his savages to knock them out of the sky. We get
more flying sequences which looked pretty good even at this point as
LP goes underneath the stone bridge and one of the condors flies up
and takes a MAN-SIZED bump into it. Okay; that was the dumbest spot
of the episode thus far. More flying as another condor rider is
behind them on flank; but Donald manages to get into position and
invoke the camera to blind him. Which of course produces nothing. You
know you are screwed when THAT happens. And naturally he pushes the
correct button on himself and flashes himself which causes the camera
to bounce back and nail the condor on the head with a MAN-SIZED bump
and the native with a decent bump allowing them to sell punch drunk
so Launchpad can do the world steepest hyperbole causing the condor
rider to take a NO bump into the cliff. Got that?! I sure didn't as
we do another spin and Donald get loose from the JAWS OF HALF LIFE
and starts to free fall.

Launchpad tells Scrooge to row faster
(Funny how Scrooge turns into the slave in this one without a nary
complaint from him. Must be bad heel syndrome creeping up...) so he
can get some lost luggage. Donald free falls as the Golden Condor
takes a nosedive and Donald does the bounce back tree root spot just
to annoy me and that forces the Golden Condor into another hyperbole
as Donald rises up and two condor riders are coming at great neck
speed at each other. I betcha Donald gets rescued by the Golden
Condor just in time and the Condor Riders bash heads with MAN-SIZED
bumps. I check the DVD....Damn; I'm good. They fall like dead flies
as Joaquin blows the whole thing off like a madman and then he panics
like a maniac as the Condor Rider takes a MAN-SIZED bump off of him.
HOLY CRAP?! That's the second nastiest sick bump I have ever seen;
next to Kit's missile on Baloo in Plunder and Lightning. Joaquin gets
squashed flatter than Alexander the Grape (Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk! And it
works perfectly in the context of the joke if you catch my drift.
Sadly; the two golden sun coins drop from Joaquin's pocket (!!!) and
then fall off the cliff as Joaquin cannot get them in time. I'd say
he's really (insert swear word here.). The natives look restless as
Joaquin orders them to get the damn coins from the abyss and I betcha
they no sell and go after him now for brainwashing him. Joaquin sobs
like a little baby and...Damn; I'm good as the natives chant no gold
sun like a bunch of idiots and then walk off stage left. Eh; close
enough. Joaquin sobs like a little baby for his coins (sound familiar
to someone else in this pilot eh?) as we pan to the west to see the
Golden Condor fly away slowly in the west. Donald climbs on the JAWS
OF HALF LIFE and goes inside without further incident.

So we get a shot of the river as
Launchpad states that they are 12:00 high and now need to get Donald
back onto the ship; or else Donald will probably get hanged by the
FCC Navy as Donald demonstrates. Scrooge proclaims that LP will get
him home as Scrooge has his life jacket and some camping gear as he
is going to follow the currents like Juan Tanamera did 400 years ago
to find the second half of the map. Donald and Scrooge shake hands as
Scrooge agrees to bring the boys next time which probably means
episode #5 of this pilot I'm sure of that. Donald likes that as
Scrooge tells Launchpad to get the supply plane ready when they meet
again as Scrooge steps onto the door and Launchpad pulls the lever
(WRONG LEVER!) and Scrooge free falls and opens the inflatable raft
(which doesn't cause laughs by the way) allowing him to float onto
the ocean water below. Launchpad is thrilled to see that as Scrooge
waves and LP decides to return to the FCC Navy Ship. So we logically
cut to the FCC NAVY ship as Donald's lieutenant has his stopwatch on
proclaiming that Donald has two minutes until he has to do kitchen
duty for the rest of his life. Huh?! Just that as punishment? That's
awfully lame as Donald rows like crazy because he's going to be late.
Considering that the episode ends in 45 seconds; Donald has nothing
to worry about. Seeing him row is funny though as Launchpad notices
the ship right away as he flies around and Donald's lieutenant counts
down to 11.

Wait a minute; he had two
minutes left so he should have at least 1:30 left to make it.
CHEATER! Well; I should expect nothing less from the FCC Navy.
Thankfully; he is stopped by the fluttering Golden Condor coming at
him at 11 o'clock as the FCC Navy crewmen scatter like scalded dogs.
And since they are dogspeople; it is completely apporos. The Golden
Condor grabs onto the wire of the FCC Navy ship and Launchpad tells
Donald to quit rowing. And Donald sells which causes the Condor to
snap back and crash right onto the deck of the FCC Navy ship. The
crew and Donald's lieutenant surround the ship as Donald comes out
punch back with Launchpad as Donald cannot salute anyone allowing
Donald's lieutenant to blow him off. Launchpad tells him to ease up
as Donald just flew in from the Andes. Donald's arms are tired as he
drops flat on his face in a neat spot. HAHA! Normally that
would be the finish and we fade to black; but we cut to Scrooge in
his raft sail boat drifting away with the current to end the episode
at 21:16. Now that is more like
it as Donald plus Launchpad equals major fun! Only Joaquin's bad
heelish tactics prevented the perfect rating. I think Golden Suns
actually has a shot now. ****
¾ (95%).

THE
REVIEW LINE

I really love this episode and I like it because it contained
Launchpad and Donald screwing each other and Scrooge for my pleasure.
It's too bad BS&P existed because I would have loved to see
Donald kick some ass; but his temper is still there in spite of it.
Launchpad was great and he was merely warming up as the flying the
condor Birdman sequence demonstrated. Launchpad was the original
Baloo; only thinner and crazier. Baloo knows how to LAND a plane. Of
course; the insanity was shifted over to Kit and WildCat so there you
go. As for Mrs. Beakly and Webby; they were non-factors; then again
that is what the writers wanted because if you noticed my sarcasm
there is an important reason for the nephews to be so evil as we see
when we go into the next episode. As for Joaquin; he was actually
fine until they got to the climax and he turned heel which would have
been fine in itself if he didn't look like such a weak ass in the end
with his sobbing like a baby. Also; there were almost zero animation
mistakes and NO logic breaks which really helped the performance out.
It felt exactly like a TaleSpin episode which is what it needed to
be. Great start; great middle; good finish. Donald's lieutenant was
okay I guess; but he got a little contrived near the end in forcing
the point even though we all knew Donald was going to make it. And
he's a lousy cheater too. Overall; this episode has now put the pilot
back into the thick of things for the Plunder and Lightning crown for
best pilot. Next up: Ducks VS. Penguins; as Beakly and Webby strut
their stuff for real. So....