Sunday, 24 May 2015

Baby number two

When the sonographer printed out the pictures from the scan he gave the first one to Wilf. He's been cherishing it and taking peeks every now and again when he thinks we're not looking. The other day he wanted to take it into his nursery to show his teacher and friends during circle time. He almost ran into into class this morning and handed the picture to his key worker blurting out 'I'm going to be a big brother because this baby lives in my mummy's tummy!' and then quite embarrassingly, I burst into tears in front of a class room of three year olds.

Thank you so so much for your lovely messages over here and on my social media. We've been totally blown away by your lovely sentiments and I'm so happy to be sharing the news finally with you all.

I have to start this first pregnancy post with a bit of a moan (bare with me) as the past two months have been really really difficult to say the least. Having suffered very badly with morning sickness with Wilf until 17 weeks I was very prepared for these symptoms and yet in a way I wasn't, you really can't fully remember how they felt until you are in the midst of them again (or you probably wouldn't go through with it again! ;)). Truthfully the symptoms started off a lot milder than my last pregnancy and have mostly continued that way of which I am more than thankful of but it's still felt like a big struggle.

I think a lot of this has been down to my situation being so different this time round. Last time I worked in a hot, cramped office above a chinese takeaway where my almost hourly dashes to the bathroom did little to disguise to my colleagues my situation (and yet they didn't let on they knew!). I was also working long hours, commuting, attending meetings and generally putting my body through a lot more. That being the case morning sickness with Wilf was 24hr nausea with sickness roughly about 2-4 times a day.

This time round although I have a three year old to look after I am able to take it a lot easier, although the 24hr feeling of nausea is the same I am able to deal with it in the comfort of my own home and decided pretty early on to cancel all events and travel that I possibly could so I could camp out on my sofa or the many walks around my local park for fresh air. I'm lucky that my blog is now my job and so although I've felt terribly guilty about how I've pretty much abandoned this space over the past few weeks as I found it so hard to type words through the fog of sickness, I knew that ultimately when I was able it would still be here for me. That and the fact I couldn't really tell you I'd done anything much but feel sorry for myself at home!

The past week or so have been the hardest so far where my symptoms stepped up a notch and I found myself in that all familiar place of evenings sat on the bathroom floor wiping 'sorry for myself' tears from my eyes. On the day of our scan we went to a tea garden with Tom's mum to celebrate and my body celebrated by making me throw up in a bush, all the glamour!

I'd love to say it's passed now but I'm pretty sure it will continue for a while longer (so apologise again if there is sporadic posting for a while longer). I guess the difference is that now I have a child I have the benefit of knowing it really really is all worth it, regardless of just how miserable it is at the time.

Wow who knew you could write so much about feeling sick hey? Thanks for reading this far ;)

We had decided around Christmas time that we would be ready to try for another baby this year but mainly in the loose 'it would be nice to have another child sometime' kind of way, so when nothing happened in January or February it wasn't of any real concern. I have to admit that I had this funny idea that it would happen the first month and so that was a little bit of a disappointment but after that we just got on with our busy lives and so by the time we actually discovered I was a couple of months later it was a bit of a surprise.

We actually found out on our three city trip whilst taking a bike ride around Vondelpark in Amsterdam. I hadn't given any thought to being pregnant until I realised I was four days late and so decided to pick up a test that morning and we found out later that morning in the park's cafe toilets. Thankfully we were due home a couple of days later and although I realised that's why I was probably crazy tired and cranky the sickness didn't kick in until midway through week 5 which I'm so thankful for!

I wasn't sure how I felt at first finding out I was pregnant again. My pregnancy with Wilf was conceived after baby loss and I felt at the time that getting pregnant again was the only way to deal with my grief. Rightly or wrongly becoming pregnant again helped me deal with an immense grief I wasn't coping well with and I clung to it. This time round I already have my lovely boy and I have to admit that I wasn't 100% sure how I felt. I'm not sure how that comes across but I thought it best to be completely honest that it took me some weeks to really get my head around it. My initial thought was 'how am I going to cope with 24 hour sickness and a three year old' a thought that hadn't occurred to me with my last pregnancy as my previous failed pregnancy had been one of no symptoms and I had no idea what was in store for me. My other thoughts were filled with how this would change our dynamic, would I be ruining Wilf's life? Also the realisation that our relationship would be tested to the limits yet again with all that comes with sleep deprivation and life with a newborn.

I felt very guilty for a long while for not feeling the same excitement I had expected and truthfully the past few weeks have been ones filled with a lot of tears. I have no idea if this is normal in second pregnancies but it's taken a lot longer for it to really sink in. I didn't actually tell my parents until week ten which probably had a lot to do with how confused I was feeling. I'm really happy to say now that since the scan and telling Wilf (which was pretty much one of the best moments of my life) it really has sunk in and I'm feeling those bubbles of excitement about welcoming a new member of our family. It's definitely all become real now and I'm letting myself day dream about life with a baby again, seeing Wilf become a big brother and all the love that is coming our way.

34 comments:

Lucy Bishop
said...

Oh poppet: so hope the sickness subsides soon & I think all you're feeling is pretty normal for a second pregnancy: it's a big deal & will bring many changes. It will be amazing to have a second & Wilf will be the best big brother. We too are considering trying for baby number two & I feel all the same apprehension mixed with excitement at the prospect of a second baby. We also lost a baby before Bert and I'm really scared of having to go through all the emotional turmoil pregnancy brings with it: it's a scary time! Im really looking forward to following your second pregnancy & wishing you a smooth ride from here on in xxx

I remember my pregnancy with David being riddled with guilt pretty much until 40 weeks. I think being so ill with Hyperemesis Gravidarum & not being able to care for John myself made me question the whole thing but as soon as you see that wee toddler hold their sibling for the first time, all those feelings of guilt just disappear!

And it's normal not to feel as excited 2nd time around. Who has the time?? With John I could tell you exactly how many days until he was due, as well as what vegetable he was the size of week-to-week; with David I could barely remember how many weeks I was!

Hope you start feeling better & able to start enjoying your pregnancy too. And there's something magical about feeling a second baby move, especially when you sometimes actually forget they're there at all!

Aw, so sorry about the horrid sickness, it's so hard. I think all those fears are completely normal. I found the tiredness really difficult when I had other kids to look after too. When pregnant with Danny, I actually got into the habit of an afternoon nap every day (I know!). My body still craved these with the others, but I had to keep going so I felt permanantly muggy headed. It's lovely how Wilf is so excited for his little sibling. It will be amazing for him. I still get goosebumps remembering the reactions of my older ones meeting the newest baby for the first time-it is so special. I know life will change and never quite be the same but it will be a new kind of normal. I treasure the memories of Danny as my special only child (seeing you and Wilf together always reminds me of those days!) but know that now, as he's older, it's actually made it easier for him. I also feel a little bit sorry for Izzy that she will never get to experience the excitement of getting a new baby sibling, but if I thought too much about that then I'd never stop... Really hope the sickness eases soon for you. xxx

Morning sickness is the WORST. And it's so awful because loads of people you meet don't know so you can't even have a moan about how bad you feel, and then you feel guilty for moaning anyway, because you know how lucky you are to be pregnant. I don't think I had it as bad as you, but I cancelled all plans for 3 months and Mark had to cook any food with the kitchen door shut and the patio doors open! I remember saying to a friend: If I ever consider having another baby, remind me how awful this is. So you have my FULL sympathy xxxx

haha that really made me laugh! (not about you being so sick though you poor poor thing) but the fruit thing. I'm giggling that I wrote on this blog every week about what fruit or vegetable size Wilf was and I'm so not going to be doing that this time round! ;) x

aww this had made me feel SO excited about the day Wilf meets his new sibling! I have to admit I do feel sad about the loss of 'me and him' but you're right the love will only get bigger with another kiddo in the mix :) xx

haha I told Tom in no uncertain terms I was NEVER doing this again mid sickness with Wilf. I've told him the same this time too! What a terrible memory I have for sure ;) thanks for the empathy though, It actually really helps to hear from people who've had it as you feel less alone in just how crap it is! Totally with you on the want to moan/feel bad for moaning thing too. When I lost the baby before Wilf I was so cross with everyone I knew who was moaning about pregnancy as I thought 'how dare they!' but then as soon as I hit morning sickness with Wilf that idea went straight out the window! xx

We had similar worries about the lack of time and focus we would have on our eldest but actually the relationship he has with his sister is far better than this. Hope the sickness improves and that you can enjoy the pregnancy! Xx

Sorry to hear about the morning sickness, it is so horrid. Have you tried sea sickness bands for the nausea? My midwife suggested them and I was surprised to find they did actually help. I just got some at Boots. Wish I'd known about them last time round too!

Hang in there. I am 36 weeks pregnant and have been sick all the way though. The first child I worked. But now I have a 3 1/2 year old. I love bringing her to the park but we can only stay a short time. Now she misses her friends because I can do less and less each week. But the baby will be here soon, and hopefully the sickness will be over. Then we have a whole new list of challenges to overcome :).

Morning sickness is the worst thing, I totally abandoned my blog too, it was so hard to do anything other than trying not to throw up! I definitely found there to be a whole new set of worries second time round especially wondering how I could love another child as much as Cherry but of course you just do. That's so cute how Wilf is so excited, he's at such a good age to really understand it all. Cherry was a bit young really, in fact I found a video the other day from when I was pregnant and I asked her is she wanted me to have a baby and she was like 'no'! Haha xx

Oh Fritha, I feel like I could have written this. I really struggled to find excitement, and really, to feel anything at all other than confused about being pregnant this time around. I too, waited longer to tell my family, and think I was just in some strange state of denial. And the scan, announcement and telling the kids was a big turning point for me too. I don't remember feeling that way at all the previous times and I felt like there was something wrong with me this time. But then Rich reminded me that when we found out about our beautiful girl I cried for ages about how I was ruining the little man's life and he'd think he wasn't enough for us. So maybe those crazy first trimester emotions just get lost in the memories, like a lot of the less favourable bits of having a baby.Life as a four is amazing (so amazing that we crazily decided adding another was a good idea) and you are going to love it. It's more work, but it isn't twice the work, and seeing Wilf become a big brother will make you love him in even more ways than you thought possible. I'm so thrilled for you, and that we get to share this crazy thing for a while as we grow our bubbas. x

Oh you love - I feel like I could've written this too (I actually did write about this a lot at the time)! I struggled so much in my second pregnancy, to the point where I felt like I wasn't excited...and then feeling horribly guilty for not being excited. And I worried about what I might be doing to my eldest and how I'd cope with two close together. And then he came early unexpectedly, and while it was the most beautiful thing to see Henry with a little brother, and I absolutely adored the new arrival in a way I had forgotten about, I STILL grieved a little for Henry, who had just lost my full attention forever, and didn't really understand what was happening. Your Wilf is older of course, so will 'get it' a lot more. But honestly? Seeing the two of them together makes me happy every single day. The best gift you'll ever give Wilf is a sibling :-)Hang in there, mama! x

Keep strong lovely lady! Everything in life that is hard produces something great. (Thats what my mum says!) She was right though....my second baby was the best thing I ever made....she became her brothers best friend and advocate, and I would hate to imagine a life where they didn't have each other. Weirdly, after the first few months, parenting seemed to become so much easier...all the worries i had throughout my pregnancy just vanished. You are a strong amazing lady and you can rock this! ***Sending lots of girl power vibes and hugs for when you need them. ***

I remember reading your post when my pregnancy was still a secret and thinking 'oh I'm so glad someone is feeling a bit like me!' it's hard isn't it as I like to throw myself into things 100% and I was really struggling to make myself feel the way I thought I was supposed to feel. I don't think morning sickness helps at all as it's hard to feel hugely chirpy hugging the toilet! I'm so excited to see him become a big brother and I love hearing his questions about the new baby. I'm really glad we're pregnant at the same time too! x

haha yes I was so relived to see his reaction, he literally burst into a grin so wide! I felt even more worried as I remember feeling so upset when I became a big sister for the first time (although I was older than W is now) so hopefully it will go quite smoothly although I know there will be bumps along the way of course! xx

Again, HUGE congratulations Fritha. I had much worse sickness second time around but thankfully it passed by 12 weeks - but being sick when you have an older child to look after isn't much fun. All of the feelings you've described are totally normal - I felt the same. I remember wanting to cherish all the moments with my big girl before she became a big sister and I kind of felt sad that those days would soon be ending. BUT life with two is BRILLIANT. It is hard - very hard at times - but totally, totally worth it. I can't quite describe it in one blog comment but trust that you will be FINE. Wilf is going to be an incredible big brother and you'll be blown away with the love you will inevitably feel for both your children. In the meantime, continue to rest up and be kind to yourself. And enjoy these last few months as a mum of one. xxx

Congratulations!!! I have had a very similar journey with the sickness and loss. Glad all is well. Pregnancy really is a hit or a miss when it comes to symptoms and I welcome the honesty, as it really isn't all happiness and glow all of the time. I hope you start to feel better soon and I'm looking forward to reading more, as I'm due Oct! x

Congratulations !!! Such lovely news. - I got pregnant by accident ( ha ) when R was just five months old then proceeded to vomit 24/7 for the next six months ( with four hospital stays thrown in for fun ) I felt soooooo guilty about R and thanked my stars she was used to occasional overnighting with my mum already or I would of been beside myself - but she loved him to bits from the minute he arrived and it was like he'd always been there. She was like Wilf in that she never slept for more than 2 hours max. but D was totally different probably a bit because I was just that more confident in what I was doing so dont panic about the sleeping yet I remember you going through that eeeeeep. but this is a lovely exciting time for all of you xxxx

First of all so happy for you all and congrats - very exciting. Wilf taking the photo into Nursery is too cute and I know they are going to be best buddies and he will make a fantastic big brother. I really hope you start to feel better and really good to know you can take it easier this time around - no more cramped office to work in. Also how amazing to find out in Amsterdam :)