I have tried 2 times to try to make a youtube video...and I just couldn't.
You can see through my eyes at the heartbreak, the grief, the loss, the sadness.
My heart just can't do it.
They say that sometimes 4-6 weeks after someone you love has died, after the heart-ripping shock and pain, that the hurt of missing them hits you harder than before. That is where I'm at.

I don't know when I will return to youtube. If I will edit the video I filmed before I found out about the tragic loss of my dad. I don't know.

I want to thank you all so much for all the love you've sent to me in your precious comments. You have no idea what it's meant to me. And how I feel God has spoken to my heart through your words and through you sharing the heartache from the loss of your loved ones.
I say all this, to give you a much longer answer than I can tweet or even comment on youtube- that I don't know when I'll return to Youtube. I don't know if it will be soon, or if I'll never post another video again.

I will continue to blog...as my broken heart can't been seen in my eyes like in a video. The tone of sadness can't be heard in my voice. And the expression of grieving can't be seen on my face...
As I write these words....I just pour my heart and hopefully a little bit of happiness (well, maybe not so much in this post..but in the others!) into your day.

Thank you for wanting to see my videos or for even saying you miss them. It makes me glad to know you like them, in the sea of other videos you could watch on Youtube.

I'm not saying BYE to Youtube for good, just "bye for now"...until my heart feels better. Thanks for your love and support. I wish I could see you all in person right now, and really feel the hugs I'm sending you and the hugs you send to me. I don't just say you are like my family to sound fun, I really mean it, you are each precious to my heart and flowers of inspiration to me. And remember, I love you and thank you again, for your love you've given to me and my little heart.

Thank you for reading what I write on my blog...it has offered some love and purpose in my heart when I read your comments that maybe, something I've written, maybe some heartbreak I've been through could offer you the feeling you're not alone. Thank you for your love and kindness.

51 comments:

I'll pray for you and you're family. Its doesn't matter what people say about you making youtube video's! Family first! I think your amazing. God is always with you, you're kids and the rest of you're family! I wish you all the best in the world!

It makes my heart sad that you have taken an indefinite leave from making videos as they are an inspiration to me however as a true fan, it makes me even more sad that you have to face the pain of losing your daddy. I wish that I could grow wings and fly to you just to give you a great big, everlasting hug! It is good to hear from you nonetheless and it is my greatest hope that one day soon we will be blessed by hearing your voice and seeing your smiling face. We love you Kandee! Take all the time you need to mend what can be in your beautiful heart! Till we see you again!

I support you kandee with which ever decision you make even if it's never seeig your videos again ): you did so much for us especially me you have gave me hope for my dreams and happiness now it's your turn I hope that get through this Bcuz you are a strong person and you can get through this Stay Strong!

Kandee, deepest condolance for you and your family. Altough I can't really say I know what this feels like, I really wish you the best in life you truly deserve it & take all the time you need this isn't something easy it can sometimes even take years but one thing is for sure and that is I send you all my love from here to you!!

That's a huge loss and I hope it didn't jade or change you. WE are such great opposite, I am constantly fighting, bitter, angry, and through my love of art and uniqueness I found you and the small happiness you showed was more than I've seen in one place my whole life. Nothing had to be afight, and I could just be happy for the sake of happiness. Thank you and I hope in this difficult timeyou find support in every one. Thank you for being you.

You are an amazing, loving person. I truly feel blessed to have found you. You have opened my eyes to how much fun I can have with makeup. You brighten my day with your energy and laughter. Thank you! *hugs*

Oh how I wish I could help with ur pain. When I lost a family member my mom told me they were going to heaven to make a safe place for us in the next life and to make a place for us to love and be happy so we could all be together again some day. This helped me heal.Be in no hurry take time, it will ease u will smile again when something is really funny. You have given so much to us all who follow u and we r here for u and we will wait. God bless to u and ur family x.

Kandee! Even though you are hurt you still bring light to my day when I see you post on twitter, instragram, or your blog. I'm 18 years old and while looking back through my high school years your one of the many people that helped me get through it. So many year your saying "your more beautiful then you think one" has been on my mirror. It helped me through my trials and struggles in life. Thank you for being this light in my life.

Thank you for all of your inspiration and encouragement even through these hard times, I admire your patience and selflessness that you share with your beautiful children and with us. Your kind heart has lifted my spirits immensely and knowing that your heart is sad has mine feeling the same way. I don't have the power of charisma, the strength or the motivational skills that you carry to give you a sympathetic word and make you feel magically better about the beauty and torment of everyday life. But I can tell you that you are my role model, my hero figure and most of all your my everyday escape! Thank you for all of your amazing tips and tricks and helpful kind words that make my heart feel wonderful. Be strong beautiful <3 xoxo

Kandee, you are such a strong person for even still writing to all of us in this tragic time. Keep your head up and heart open you will get through this. I miss your warm energy and loving spirit in the you tube world but it is completely understandable that you need this time to heal your heart. All my love and thoughts are with you. Hope to see your smiling face brightening the you tube universe again! Our hearts are with you.

My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you and your family. I lost my sister some years back, and you never really get over losing family. It's like a piece of you dies with them, but the memories were never more alive. Scents and sounds bring back the fond memories as well as the sadness. It never really does get easier, but the sadness passes more quickly with time. Your blog and your videos always makes my day. You are so uplifting. I aspire to be like you. I try to look on the bright side of things much like you. You are such an inspiration. Your fans that love you and cherish you will understand. I understand. There are things I still have difficulty with since the passing of my sister. Just try to keep your chin up and stay strong. And remember you are amazing and wonderful and we love you bunches. Xoxo! :)

My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you and your family. I lost my sister some years back, and you never really get over losing family. It's like a piece of you dies with them, but the memories were never more alive. Scents and sounds bring back the fond memories as well as the sadness. It never really does get easier, but the sadness passes more quickly with time. Your blog and your videos always makes my day. You are so uplifting. I aspire to be like you. I try to look on the bright side of things much like you. You are such an inspiration. Your fans that love you and cherish you will understand. I understand. There are things I still have difficulty with since the passing of my sister. Just try to keep your chin up and stay strong. And remember you are amazing and wonderful and we love you bunches. Xoxo! :)

Kandee you are in.my prayers I to am very close to my father and my heart goes out to you. I love your videos you are an amazing person and a great inspiration to many! Hope to see your smiling eyes on you tube again someday but for now take healing time for your heart and mind God Bless you!

It took close to a year after my father passed before I could get back to as normal of a life as I knew how to create for myself. You have been a HUGE inspiration to me for years and thanks to you I finally decided to start my own blog. I send you many hugs and Kleenex tissues...you will need them both! Until we see your smiling face again, I'm glad we can still watch old YouTube videos and keep that smile and inspiration in our hearts. We love you!!!

I feel terrible hearing/knowing that u are heartbroken. My prayers goes to you, your family, and your father whom now I'm sure is trying to make you realize that he is in a much better happier place and wants you to continue being you, being our happy and lovable kandie. I send you a huge hug and know that we're all here for you. May god brings you calm and rest now.

One day i am sure you will return to youtube, i learned once that it will be all right in the end, and if things aren't all right, then it must not be the end. You have so many inspiring words to say and helpful advice to give. You Are a strong person and you will get through this tough time and learn a lot about yourself in the process. I hope these words help you kandee and put a smile on your face :)

Aww my poor kandee. Iv been keeping up with you and ur blogs and cant help myself but tear up at the thought that you are going thru this. u r always an inspiration to others an u always will. Just get thru these tough times with God in mind and us kandee supporters to help and it wont be too bad. Your dad is watching u very proud everyday for ur hardwork in everything u do. Feel better soon!

Oh kandee, I love your cheerfulness and I want to physically see that happiness again. But it mAkes me cry to think that you most likely will never be as cheerful again. I've heard it happens, when something tragic happens to people, they are never the same again. I'm worried I will be able to tell you aren't the same in your next video. Take time, you need to heal so I can see that bright happy kandee that I love to watch, not for the make up or anything. Just so that you can make me laugh again.

Kandee, First of all please know that I am sending you all the love & prayers I can!! I do know some of what you are talking about as I lost my dad when I was 13. I know that there are no true words of comfort, but I truly do hope you can feel the love that all of us are sending you. Your decisions are just that, your decisions so if you never do post another video then that is fine, those of us who absolutely love you will not care. Once again I am so so sorry for your loss, but it is only temporary, you will see him again!! Love you girlie!!!

I just love you Kandee, as many of us do. You just take your time and deal with this however you feel fit. We have your back, and will respectfully wait to see that Happy, Contageous smile on YouTube again. Take care.

I say take all the time you need, when I lost my husband it took over 2 years before I finally felt a little better, itll be 10 yrs this Dec and it still hurts my heart, someday life will be bearable again, till then there is lots of love being sent to you from family, friends, fans & most importantly God! Super big heart felt hugs!!!

Im so sorry for your loss. I know that you are hurting. i lost my father at a young age and having been a daddys girl it broke my heart. My father did not pass away tho he chose to walk out of my life. He is still alive and doesnt live very far away but he wont have anything to do with me my brothers or my sister. It still hurts to this day and i think it always will but kandee i want you to know you are an inspiration to me and i love you like family even tho we have never met. I wish i could comfort you and give you a ginormous hug. I can only hope you can imagine my arms wrapped around you and feel the love in my words and know that i am sincere. Love your videos an i will miss them but i dont want you to post them if you dont feel up to it. My heart goes out to you.

As I was reading through these comments, I became overwhelmed with this feeling of love and grief. My heart aches for you. I love you, as do countless others. Your Dad is preparing for you and your sweet family's bliss in eternity. I know this because of your beautiful spirit, you truly are a ray of sunshine. Thank you for teaching me to be happy, how to love from the depths of my heart, but most importantly how to make a difference in someone else's life, big or small. Take your time, focus on you and your family. I will always be cheering you on.

Kandee, my heart goes out to you and your family during this most difficult time. Just know that God has a plan for you to touch other people's lives at just the right time. The paralellisms between our lives has helped through some tough times and provided me some confidence. I attribute your ability to touch each other's lives on such a large scale...Angel status. Angel Kandee, thank you!

I share your pain and grief. I lost my Dad 7 years a ago and he never got to meet his youngest 2 grand kids. I love your videos and your blogs, you'll come back when you're ready. You always have words of inspiration, virtual hugs, and share your heart with us all. Now it's our turn to tell you we love you and send you all the hugs you can handle. I know I will still be here when your ready to share again.....<3, Cora

Dear Kandee,Take your time to handle your pain. We all love your videos so much but we can wait for it!!!! I'm sure that the smile in your eyes returns. Kandee, you are such a lovely, powerful and wonderful person. Even in your hardest time you give so much love and hope to us!I'm sure to see you soon!!!!! Hugs and love from Germany

Im so sorry for your loss Kandee. A part of him will always be with you, look at hoe many blessings he had. Beautiful grandkids and amazing children. I cant iagine how much your hurting but just know there is always a piece of him with you wherever you go. Your always the one to jump and make someone els smile or teach someone something, and now in your pain i hope someone will jump to make you smile. Healing takes time. Youll pull through. Look howany people love you simply because of your you tube channel. I didnt know your dad but im positive he was proud of that. Hold your head high and keep smiling!

Kandee my heart goes out to you! You are myInspiiration. I look upto you as a caring and loving person. Hope your heart heals after such a big loss and always remember that your family, friends and fans will supports you forever< 333

Kandee I love you!! Take a break and focus on being happy. When your ready come back to YouTube. I never thought there would be a day when you said you may never upload again. Itd hard for me even think about that happining. Your videos make me feel like someone loves me and your beautiful face makes me soo happy. Hopefully one day you will post again. Maybe it will take a while but that's ok. Your videos are amazing and unforgettable!!! I'm praying for you Kandee. Also you are my inspiration and role model! I decided that when I have a child I'm going to name her after you! You have a beautiful name, face , personality , and heart!! I'm going to name her after you because you are the most loving, happy , and sweet person ever! There's not enough adjective to describe how amazing you are!!!!! I know in this comment I have been all over the place but I love you and I want you to know that I support you no matter what. Every time you write your blog or post a video you make my life. Love, Kaitlyn A from las vegas

Dear Kandee, you are such a nice person, even in this moment. Think about yourself and your children and take all the time you need. People that like you, will be here tomorrow and every following day :)))Loving regards, Budislava from Belgrade, Serbia

Dear Kandee,first of all my deep condoleances to you and the rest of your family. It is totally understandable that you don't feel like posting things on youtube. Also by sharing this difficult time with us by posting this blogpost and the other one about your dad shows what a strong and wonderful person you are. Right now, you are going through one of the toughest moments in your life yet you still let us know what is going on. You are going to get though this. It may take some time but you will get through this.

Dear Kandee,One day my biggest role modle (you) told me something I will never forget, "there are always rainbows that come out after the storms.... and the blue birds will soar high above... and so will you!" Sunshine always comes out from behind the clouds... it always does and you shine brighter than I've ever seen the sun. It may take a wile to excape the cloud but it will happen! You are such an insperation to so many people and please never give up! Thank you for being you and being such an insperation to me and millions of other people and opening ur heart to everyone! Continue to be ur wonderful inspiring kandee self! Love you always and sending you millions of hugs! Love lots channy deeP.s. have you ever considered writing a book? (It may help you in some way)

Take your time; your healing heart is most important. I just started watching you and found you maybe less than 1 month before your loss and you touched my heart with your words and kindness. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you have touched many lives and made me want to be a better person, that means a lot! Sending you love and support!

Kandee, please come back to YouTube. Im sorry for your loss and I pray for u and ur family everyday. You need to come back, as you don't know how many of us, turn to ur videos to cheer us up when we r having a bad day. I don't know how many times you have made me forget about my problems when I look at your videos. You r an inspiration to so many of us n u don't know how many people miss your videos. Hope to c you on YouTube again soon.

Dear kandee I really pray for u and every nite I will do so. I lost my grandma when I was in kindergarten and it was the worst day of my life! I hope u come back! Your my inspiration and I love that, and never want to give that up! But if u don't come back I understand completely! I wil pray for u and your family! I love u kandee!:,) love, Ryan:)

Kandee dont worry about making more videos until you feel better. We all love you and we want your heart to feel better. I can't imagine the pain you are going through but I know making videos would be the last thing I would be thinking about. I think about you everyday and I wish I was there to help you. I would do all your laundry!! (haha I know you hate laundry--who doesn't?!) I hope that made you giggle. If you even need a laugh you should look at canihascheezburger.com. There is tons of funny animal picture that would make you smile! I look at it when I feel sad and it cheers me up. I hope you're having a good day and you laughed today!!

It's been nearly 7 months since my mother died. I grieve and miss her every day. It is normal to feel what you're feeling. Everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. My mother was a single mum and although my younger brother and I are grown up, every day is a challenge for us. It was only 3 months after that I said to myself I needed help. I went to my doctor and she guided me and told me what options I could take.

In your own time you will begin to realise what you need to do for yourself to help you get by. People are quick and judgemental but only you know your true inner feelings. Don't ignore them, that's all I'm saying. Be there for your children and your family as their love will keep you strong (the same goes for them).

Healing doesn't happen overnight dearest Kandee, but with love and when you listen to your inner self, you can accomplish anything :).

I admire you for your bravery and the person you are.

My thought and "over the pond" size hugs go out to you and your family. x

My dear I had no idea what has happened in your life until today. I don't know how to express love and gratitude to you through all that you do. I offer my deepest condolences, and pray that you and your family will learn to accommodate this tragedy in your heart by remembering all the good that he had done in your life, how he made you smile, how he made you laugh, how he encouraged your dreams to flourish when everyone else puts you down. A fathers love is something that is irreplaceable, inconsolable when tragedy strikes and forever continuing when they leave to grace heaven with their presence. I send virtual love and hugs to each and everyone of your family, do not push your self to do something you are not ready for, grief takes time and everyone experiences it at some point in their life and understand the need to concentrate on family xoxo

Dear Kandee,i know its hard to keep on going on with life when that loved person isnt by your side but your father is in a better place now & he loves you so much i know he'll be watching over you. You are the sweetest person ever i love watching your videos.