February 13, 2011

20 questions live with Cajun

Last Tuesday, Love Systems Master Instructor Cajun went onto reddit.com to do a live chat. As the former winner of Keys to the VIP, Cajun is one of the world’s most respected dating coaches today and his chat extended into the following day.For a general audience, the chat is at an introductory level, but so many have emailed to say how much it helped them, that we wanted to excerpt it here. Link to the full chat at the end.

Q: Do you believe women have 'set beliefs' about the type of guys they want? Can a short guy attract someone who says she only finds tall guys attractive? I've seen women say they find one thing important and go for the exact opposite.

A: Set beliefs apply in some cases, maybe religion or race in some places, but there are no real absolutes. I'm only 5'7 and I've dated many taller women who said they would never date someone shorter than them but I didn't count because I don't seem short. It was never the shortness that bothered them; it was the personality types they associated with it. Personality almost always wins out over time.

Q: What’s the best quality for a man to polish to find a relationship, other than looks and physique?

A: Start actively living a social life. Make conversation with everybody you meet on a regular basis, whether it be the grocery store cashier, the bank teller, or the guy who works at the convenience store across the street. It doesn't have to be anything special, maybe the weather, or a local happening, just make an effort to be a REAL person. Friends (and eventually women!) will come easy if you bring a positive, comfortable energy to every interaction you have. You have to learn to become comfortable being social, and then you can move forward with other, more complex, things.

Q: I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder years ago. Between therapy with a specialist and some techniques borrowed from the Love Systems community (modified to be more talking to people and less picking up women), I've worked hard and am now one of the most social people I know. It wasn't easy, but thanks to these methods, I am a very out going person.

But ALL of that being said, I still have trouble with the idea of going out to a bar/club alone and just cold approaching people, be them a group of people that looks like I'd get along with, or a woman that I find attractive. What advice would you have for someone like me? Hell, just the fact that I can GO OUT is a huge improvement over what I used to be like.

A: Look at the answer I gave earlier. Becoming more social doesn't have to mean going out to bars, clubs etc. You can become more social in your regular everyday life by engaging everybody you speak to in a personal way. You'd be surprised how much you can light up somebody's mood just by being a real human to them. It has benefits outside of your own, but you'd be surprised the effect it can have on you if you practice it day to day.

Q: It seems like you only work weekends. What is your typical week like?

A: I write clients back, book new seminars, book flights, hotel rooms, seminar spaces, research markets, work on side projects, help my friends with things... browse Reddit. Mostly have sex with my girlfriend and tease my cat.

Q: How was it doing Keys to the V.I.P? I've seen that show a number of times and it always strikes me as very weird. Do the girls in the club know that it's a TV show about being picked up? It always struck me as odd that the producers could get away without getting the girls' consent to appear on the air. And getting their consent to appear on the air and everything. Also, how was the winner's party?

A: There's a sign on the door when they enter that basically says a TV show is filming there that night and by entering they agree to potentially be on it. They have producers approach them afterwards to explain what happened and get them to sign forms saying they're ok with their faces being used, If they don't then they blur the faces, hence one of the women's faces being blurred in my episode. Winner's party was kind of lame, they hire a bunch of models to "party" with you but really they get a set number of shots of you "partying" and then take off after an hour with all the models. I brought my own women though, and they have us a bunch of vodka, so I still had a blast. I don't like fake tits anyways.

Q: How do I deal with a cockblocking, sometimes AMOGing [editor's note: for more information check out Alpha Male Other Guy or Alpha Male of the Group], shit-talking friend that I need because he has insanely high social status (High School).

A: Sit him down and say "hey man look, when you do that shit it not only pisses me off, it hurts both of us. What do you think women think of you when you treat your friend like an ass in front of them? That you would diss your buddy for a piece of tail? All that says is that you're desperate. Stop fucking around."

Q: Do guys typically only attend a single bootcamp weekend, or is it the norm to attend two or three before they leave the nest, so to speak.

A: Usually 1, but we have repeat customers often. Most of the time they take a 1-on-1 lesson after a seminar since it's more personal. I keep in email contact with all my clients (which is free) and try to help them as much as I can after the seminar. I always say I'm their friend for life after the seminar.

Q: Did you have any "aha!" moments in the last two years regarding male/female dynamics?

A: Yeah "The secret to becoming amazing at attracting women is: To remember that you already are." I wrote that down and put it in my wallet.

Q: Hey Cajun, let me start by saying I'm familiar with your success and your reputation for having rock solid confidence. I have a two-part question:

Besides being social in general throughout your day, what's the best way to reliably gain confidence? A specific exercise, book, or anything else?

I saw you mentioned that you teach students how to deal with fear. How can I work on controlling my fear on my own? A specific mindset, thought pattern?

A: 1) Improv classes. 2) You know that voice in your head that always says "I wish I would have done that!" or "I wish I would have said that!" That's your conscience/ego talking and he wants to come out. Start letting him out and listening to him. He will get you into trouble, no doubt, but he will make you better for it.

Q: For someone interested in obtaining a similar position at your company or another company, what kind of education/experience, would they need?

A: Most of the time guys want to work for our company as a sort of dick measuring title, "I work for Love Systems! NOW I'M GOOD!" We do not hire these guys. In order to work for us it takes years of training and even then most do not make it past the entrance exam. We are the best in the world for dating advice and we make sure we keep that pedigree by the people we employ.

If you're in it for the bragging rights, move on. If you legitimately want to help guys, are exceptionally good with women, and are an exceptionally good teacher. Then you can start by taking a seminar and impressing us. That sounds shady, but we really wouldn't be able to find you any other way. All of our instructors have taken a seminar.

Q: What are the most common misconceptions you find guys have about attracting women?

A: That you're annoying them by talking to them.

Q: Is there a difference in how you approach someone for a long term relationship vs. short term?

A: I would never approach someone with the idea of a long-term relationship. That would come across pretty needy and raise some flags for them. Be honest with your emotions but keep your "OMG OMG I WUV YOU" feelings at bay until you're certain it's mutual, all they communicate is a lack of options.

Q: Name one of the favorite transformations you saw from a bootcamp.

A: I saw a shy and timid Irish boy with a great sense of humor turn into a dominant masculine mack daddy in the course of two nights. Everything just clicked for him; it was the quickest turnaround I've ever seen. Seeing him on the Saturday night surrounded by women, leaning against the bar with his eyes relaxed and this look of complete and utter pride in himself almost brought tears to my eyes. If anyone deserved it, it was him, nicest guy you'd ever meet.

Q: I've met only a handful of people who are consistently able to have abundance with women. Then, I know a lot of guys who seem to very similar to them, (they are attractive to women), but they only get a girlfriend here and there. What do you think is separating those two types of people. Risks? Or something deeper?

Q: How much do bootcamps help? I've heard they can put you 6 months ahead on the learning curve and have been considering a Love Systems one this year.

A: I always tell my clients that success with women is the smallest thing you can get out the seminar. I teach men how to attract women but I think what I really teach is how to deal with fear; something that has far reaching consequences beyond simply the ability to "pick up." So I think they help many men tremendously in many aspects of their life.

Q: What's the best pickup line?

A: No such thing. Women aren't really listening to what you're saying when you first speak to them, I mean they're listening enough to comment but what they're really paying attention to is your body language, the way you speak, essentially the "tells" of what you're thinking. So, what ARE you thinking when you speak to her? I could give you the best pick-up line in the world but if you're thinking "I hope this line works" when you say it then THAT is what you're communicating.

You literally have to be in control of what you're thinking. Once you can do that, you can say anything and it will work.

Just to humor you though, here's one I used recently: "Hey do you guys wash your can openers? I just had dinner at my friend's house and she got pissed at me for not washing the can opener when I was done. Tell me I'm not the only person that thinks that's weird?"

Q: What is the most ridiculous pickup line/thing you've said and still had success?

A: Depends how you measure success, but in Keys to the VIP, I used the line "you guys look like a bunch of retards" and had a good flirty interaction that ended in a phone number. I wouldn't normally say something like that, but the TV show wanted me to start a conversation with an insult for their "challenge."

I just remembered some other ones:

"Hey, how’s your Dad doing?"

At a bar in Vegas "Wow, you guys are cute. I need a drink before I can talk to you." I order a milk and then drink it slowly while staring them in the eye.

In a predominantly black bar in Chicago: "Would it be racist if I told you I was actually a black guy in white face? I want to stand out." That got some laughs.

Q: Are there any people who, when you first meet them, you just roll your eyes and think, "this guy should just kill himself?"

A: Ha ha, no not really. I never promise anyone that they can turn into a "pick-up artist" over the weekend. I can always help guys though, the road to becoming the man that they envision themselves being is a long one, and it's difficult, very difficult for some. I always ask at the beginning of the course what they want out of the weekend and I try my best to address those needs. I'm usually successful.

Most impressive turnaround? I've had a couple recluses (as in wild neckbeard types) meet women shortly after seminars and end up getting married. We have a wall at our office filled with clients that have gotten married. So that’s probably the most impressive I'd say. Lots of my clients turn into mack-daddy's though. That's probably my selling point.

Q: Hi there - I don't go out to bars or clubs to pick up girls much but I will randomly see someone in a store or on the street who I would really be interested in. My problem is initiating the conversation with them when I see them in a place not traditionally used to meet women. For example, a few weeks ago I saw the most gorgeous girl and she was walking right by me on the street. It wasn't just that she was hot but there was something about her and I would have loved to meet her. Problem is, how do I initiate conversation in that situation? Is it creepy or weird to try to do that?

A: Who is your role model? Someone who you feel has no fear? Maybe your dad? A celeb? A character in a movie? Try to channel that person, don't BE that person but try to channel that same energy. Personally, when it comes to women I tend to think of a combination of Errol Flynn, Jim Morrison and Marlon Brando. Anyways, try to feel that power, let it flow through your body, your face, your thoughts, your emotions.

Nobody cares if you make an ass of yourself, the only way you would is if YOU THINK you made an ass of yourself. You really can do NO wrong.

So then in this state, just walk up to her, smile and say something like "Hey, I noticed you from over there and there’s something about you, I'd kick myself in the ass if I didn't say hi. So hi, I'm Mike (she'll introduce herself most likely, smile like you get a joke she doesn't get) so...(confident smile) what are you shopping for today?" you can talk for a few minutes, maybe do an instant date, or just get her number and call her later. Most women NEVER get approached like this and believe me, it WILL make an impression.

This may sound cheesy in your head but that's probably because you're reading it in your SCARED unconfident voice that you would do it in, and then it IS creepy. You need to channel that dominant masculine energy, it's in there somewhere, it's an inherent quality in all men, just have to find it.