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Loving Children In Their Love Language

Many of you have heard about the book, “The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. It was a runaway success, and after that book Gary Chapman teamed with Ross Campbell to write “The Five Love Languages of Children.”

The thought behind this book is that each child has a “primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best.” When you read this book, you go through ALL the love languages, because children benefit from all expressions of love, and also because over time your child’s love language might change.

I like this particular quote as to why love and connection are important: “In this book we will emphasize the importance of love in rearing your child. The ultimate goal is to rear your child (or children) to become a mature adult. All aspects of a child’s development require a foundation of love. For instance, a child’s feelings of anger can be channeled positively when he senses a parent’s love. He is more likely to consider and accept your suggestions when he perceives your love as genuine and consistent.”

The five love languages are

1. Physical Touch

2. Words of Affirmation

3. Quality Time

4. Gifts

5. Acts of Service

Loving your child in their language on a consistent basis helps a child feel loved through the more challenging times. Loving your child in an unconditional way and keeping that connection filled, but still holding fast to the boundaries you set, is very important. These principles hold the keys for good parenting; I have written about this time and time again on this blog. Gentle parenting does not mean an absence of boundaries.

You are the parent. You have more life experience with which to guide your children. You should know yourself what boundaries there are in your own home and with each other. Children without any boundaries do not grow up to do well in the world because they have had everything handed to them on their whim and demand. You can be a gentle parent, an authentic parent, AND you can still do the hard work of keeping the boundaries you have set in your home. In fact, this is a must for your children to grow up to be healthy adults.

However, your children must feel loved in order for these boundaries to work, and love languages are a huge piece of this. You can say you love your child all you want, but if they do not “feel” loved, that is their perception. Love languages can be this bridge between your world and the world of your child. It can help provide that connection that forms the basis of a healthy family.

In the next post, we will take a peek at the characteristics of all five of the love languages. In that, you may learn something about your child, your spouse and yourself.

Hi, I have a two and half year old son and a 4 month daughter and I am currently on mat. leave. As you can imagine I am sleep deprived and ran off my feet with both children. My son is a very loving boy, who is naturally helpful, adores his new baby sister, and is just a sweet soul. My concern is when he has his melt downs (even on good days) and my energy is very low, I loose my patience. I want to find new tactics to apply my good parenting skills I use when I am in a calm, even frame of mind, when I am not so well put together. My son doesn’t deserve to be exposed to my lack of patience because I am exhausted or short on patience. Do you have any suggestions to help me keep my temper in check?

Lisa, Yes, this is challenging and unfortunately it just takes practice. Many mothers will tell you that they had much more patience with the “older sibling” when they added their third or fourth or fifth child to the family due to more realistic expectations, better able to schedule in a rhythm, more willing to go to sleep when the baby goes to sleep, etc. Really, the best advice I could give you to keep your temper in check is to take care of yourself. Try to go to bed at night early so the middle of the night wakings are not coming only an hour after you yourself have just gotten to sleep. Try to lay down with both children during the day. Ask for help. Have snacks premade and on hand for yourself and your two year old so your energy is not low. Self-care goes a long way in fostering patience.
Blessings,
Carrie

Hi Carrie
I loved the original “Love Language”, it was very interesting to read that you have to work out your partners love language and respond in their language and not in your love language – as we feel natural to do. For them to get the message.

At what age can one start to identify your little ones love language? I think for the under 7’s so much of their everyday care centres around touch and acts of service.

Hi there QueenArt Lady! In the book there was mention of a small granddaughter and how it was too soon to tell sort of thing, so perhaps I would consider communicating in all the love languages until they are a bit older and one or two of the languages is really standing out in distinction…:) In the book it is never really mentioned what ages these love languages could begin, or where one would predominate, although I know one of the examples is surrounding a four-year-old seeking quality time. This would be a great question to ask the authors, I think!
Blessings,
Carrie

My son is not yet two, and he responds most to Physical Affection, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Gifts make little or no difference to him; I don’t think he has a concept that it’s something that I’ve chosen and bought for him. He does appreciate Acts of Service (in the sense of physically caring for/cooking for him) but I don’t know that he truly perceives that as a gesture of love, at least not yet.