[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle,
starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed
by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I
Dream Of Jeannie.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]

Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if
you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna.
(pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer,
maybe you could scrape.

(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's
uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps
fingers)

Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people
actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)

Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)

Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)

Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do
you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks
shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with
that mouth?

(Camera pans back to group in living room)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this
big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your
baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!

Ross: (waves) Hello!

Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with
Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other
lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian?
(playfully hits Ross)

(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)

Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos
(touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)

Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm
having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw
in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...

Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.

Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!

Carol: Do you want to know?

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I
think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop,
there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...

Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue
suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.

Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?

Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way
over.

Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...

Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that
long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One,
my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three,
I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and
offers Rachel a cookie)

Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about
the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me
feel so..." (pulls a lot of the roll of paper towel out) Oh, God, I'm so
embarrassed!

Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!

(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)

Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!

Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm
sorry! No I'm sorry!

Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?

Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!

Phoebe: Such a pig!

Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,

Phoebe: Oh he's like a...

Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...

Phoebe: ...like a...

Rachel: ...pig...pig man!

Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...

Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see
this?

Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic
standing-there team.

Ross: Come on, two on one.

Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the
guy; it's time for you to swoop in!

Ross: What, now?

Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You got to make sure that when Paolo
walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's got to know that
you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!

Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there
for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross
and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking
at, looks in the same direction)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over
the side.]

Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...

[Cut to inside the apartment.]

Ross: (entering) How's it going?

Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off
the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel
gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could
you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!

Phoebe: Ooh!

(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.

Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands
him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the
cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for
everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)

Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the
balcony)

Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there
so she's not overwhelmed...

Monica: Oh, you're right.

Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.

[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: You all right?

Rachel: Ooh, I've been better. I can’t
believe this. I wasn’t supposed to care about
this guy. Y’know, it just supposed to be this big fun Italian thing. Y’know,
some day I could look back on it and say ‘Hey, that was a big fun Italian
thing!’ It wasn’t supposed to feel like this when it was over. (exhales)

Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better
than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what
he has when he has you.

Rachel: Oh, Ross...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I
don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy.
(Ross crosses arms)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!

Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)

[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?

Rachel: Oh...

Phoebe: You ok?

Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?

Phoebe: Yep!

Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys
altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to
develop a more sophisticated screening process.

Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just
got to figure out what I want

Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a
Paolo.

Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going
to grow up to be one.

Ross: (astonished) What?

Rachel: What?

Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?

Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.

Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a
boy?

Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)

Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!

(Joey and Chandler run in)

Chandler: Wha-

Joey: Wha-

Joey and Chandler: What is it?

Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey andChandler: We already knew that! (they hug)

Ross: I'm having a son. Um...

(Ross looks scared)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandler and Joey at
foosball.]

Monica:Yes! And that would be a shut-down!

Joey andChandler: Shut-out!! (They both start
heading for their rooms.)

Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!

Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!

Chandler: Yeah, get out!

Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll
only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up)
All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.