Journal Entries

Stupid

I feel stupid. There’s no other way to describe what I’m feeling except that. I just feel incredibly lazy and incompetent and… STUUUUPID. I got my final back for Biochem and I scored a whopping 17 points out of 60. I don’t know if I have to retake the class or not but just the thought of having to learn and restudy all that material over again – with no guarantee that I will actually do better the next time around – really makes my stomach hurt.

A lot of people say, “Just try your best [and God will do the rest]” when it comes to school and even though I agree that it’s a good motto, I feel like it doesn’t apply to me. What happens when you can’t even get yourself to try your best? Like you don’t even manage to open your book or turn in your assignments on time because your mind is not exactly in the most optimal state to do anything but mope around? God is probably looking down and pursing his lips in disdain at that point. So somehow, over the course of the past couple years, I’ve modified that motto to be “Try to try your best and hopefully your teacher is nice enough to pass you”. Here’s the part when I say and acknowledge that I can’t really blame anyone but myself about doing poorly in this class. My professor was honestly great and the resources were all in front of me; it was simply me who decided to do the bare minimum. Why??? I have no freaking idea. I am still mad at myself for it. Oh man, just warning you this whole thing is basically a gigantic “seems like a you problem” but can I still go on with my rant? Is that okay?

One of the worst feelings for me personally is when you know you’re not doing your job correctly, or at all for that matter. That’s kind of what I feel like. My parents are sacrificing so much just to get me through school, placing an overwhelming amount of trust in me to excel. My only job is to study, and I can’t even do that. I can’t get myself to sit down and spend hours reading the material; I can’t prepare for an exam without cramming; the laziness and discouragement strike at the worst times, I don’t know how to explain it. When I say “I have to study”, it’s really just me listening to music and staring at the same page until my foot falls asleep and I have to switch to a more comfortable position on the bed…and then me waking up from a nap, panicking because I wasted so much time.

Yeah, hours of that.

Illustrated by Caitlin Knight

I used to be good at studying, though. I used to get good grades and get ranked in the top whatever of the class. I was known as the smart one in certain crowds. Growing up, I may not have been pretty or athletic or a particularly interesting kid but at least I got good grades. And now that I can’t even do that…ugh goodness my stomach really does hurt. It feels like my chest just got ten times heavier and plummeted into the organs below it.

Damn, I really do suck!!! What the heck!!

I wish I was motivated and determined enough to earn the title of “smart” again, or even better: “hard working”. To be honest, smartness can only get you so far. The ones who work their ass off to earn their grades (as opposed to those who say, “I didn’t study” yet end up acing the test anyway) – those are the ones I admire the most. Because of the way they’ve learned to hustle, they can and will achieve whatever they want, how cool is that?!

I hope you know that being smart isn’t all that I’m addressing here. For me it’s just something, the one sole thing that defined me for so much of my life that it’s disheartening to watch myself deviate from it. For others, it may be something like athleticism (loving a sport, being known for playing well at said sport, getting injured, not knowing what to do when you feel like you can’t do anything). It’s all relative. You know what your own “job” is and you understand what it’s like to not live up to it.

Also I don’t know what it is about summer that makes me extra insecure but the need to compare myself to everyone else is heightened so much. Everyone is doing such great things – whether it’s something adventurous or something to nurture their passion for a certain hobby or something to advance themselves in their career path. You know what I’m talking about, going on Instagram and seeing people going on mission trips across the world, taking on rigorous internships, working at a research lab, exploring cool new cities, “finding themselves” (I mean that in the least sarcastic and least degrading way possible), etc. It’s really difficult to resist the clouds of self doubt creeping over me when my friends are out there, being their own person, being proactive and confident in discomfort and just plain…good. They’re doing a good job. I am very jealous, but also happy for them nonetheless.

I haven’t quite gotten over this unsettling “I’m stupid” feeling that’s always pulsing in the back of my head, so I feel like I don’t have the right to give advice on how to deal with it yet. When I’m trying to scold myself, I just say, “Get over it” and try to finish what I have to do. Obviously, that isn’t working too well but if I were to console someone who had the same problem, I’d probably say something like: you’re not stupid! Stop saying that! I know it doesn’t seem like you can amount to anything near where you picture your successful self to be, but I think every small step is a step regardless. Stay positive, stay resilient. And then I would proceed to send a bunch of quotes about using failure to propel you into greatness because those usually work, right?

P.S.: I don’t mean for this to be a pity party or anything for me, I was just hoping it would be relatable in some way to others. If you’re struggling, you’re not alone!

P.P.S: On a completely unrelated note, wanna hear a funny story? I always greet one of my coworkers in the library whenever we pass by each other because she is suuuper nice, but every time I say, “Good morning Pamela!” she always hesitates before waving back. Today I realized it’s because her name is actually Cindy, not Pamela LOL

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2 thoughts on “Stupid”

AW FRANCESCA THIS POST MADE ME SAD BUT IT ALSO MADE ME WANT TO POINT OUT SOMETHING I ADMIRE ABOUT YOU THAT I CAN NEVER SEEM TO PUT INTO WORDS LOL.

Franch!! You are such a pure, loving human being & seeing you in distress makes me so sad because you don’t deserve it but I know it takes a lot to overcome this hardship of yours especially if it was one of your defining features to you before! But franch I think you’re so so so creative!! I can see it in you when you take your pictures of anything that you find beauty in, how you love to free write about your thoughts (example 1 right here um), how you enjoy filmography & photography (even tho we don’t always talk about it, I think you’d be amazing in both fields!), & how when you love something, you love it wholeheartedly! Everyone progresses on their own, don’t be discouraged!! Be unapologetically you! Keep on expressing yourself in any outlet you possibly can, you wonderful being!

(ps I’ve realized now that this comment will be pusblished but I’ve already typed all of this out so YIKES whoever sees this hello)

i have a feeling i know who this is and i wish i can thank you in person, but THANK YOU so much. i am overwhelmed with the kindness, so i’m kind of freezing up but sending lots of love and gratitude to you :~)