The next worst thing

The most disorganised live broadcast featuring Fearne Cotton. The most disgusting dish featuring kiwi fruit. The most ridiculous-looking pair of shorts. Some absolutes may never be pinpointed, but there is now finally an answer to one of pop's most enduring mysteries: what is Nickelback's worst song?

The worst Nickelback song of all time is, of course, their current hit, Rockstar. The fact that Rockstar has already spent over two months on the chart and is currently at No 3 also cements the theory that the worse a Chad Kroeger single is, the better it performs - this is in line with the Spider-Man soundtrack single Hero (fairly terrible) selling fewer copies than How You Remind Me (very terrible). So, in case you are not aware of this song's charms, simply imagine a Nickelback song, but worse. Its most terrifying feature is in its first millisecond, in that Chad's vocals appear completely without warning. This sound of hell opening up offers the listener no safety zone in which to leap towards their radio's off switch in a slow-mo "NOOOOOO!!!!!" fashion. The B-52s' Love Shack has a full three seconds before it really gets going; even some terrorist organisations offer some sort of tip-off.

With trademark Nickelback subtlety, Rockstar is about being a rock star. "Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars, and live in hilltop houses driving 15 cars," Chad sings. "The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap, we'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat". And so it continues, for more than four horrifying minutes. It's a Smack The Pony skit without the laughter track; ironic, given that Rockstar is one of the most unintentionally hilarious songs of the last few years. It is also one of most confusing.

Is this song a satire, and if so, what does it seek to satirise? "I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs," Chad (or Chad's 'character') notes; Chad's already been on Cribs, showing off platinum discs around the pool table and a collection of sports cars. (This was before he was charged with drunk driving in 2006.) The character in Rockstar also claims "I'd even cut my hair and change my name"; Chad's real name is Chad Turton. So is Chad attempting to satirise his peers without realising he's as bad as they are? Or is it self-analytical? Is this a song in which Chad admits he is a pillock? Or, is this self-styled everyman singing a cautionary tale for the kids, and is this "this is what you'll become" ditty an attempt to put people off stealing Nickelback's crown?

Perhaps it is about perception and reality, and Chad thinks he's the first celebrity ever to play a character in public. Perhaps we're trying too hard and maybe Rockstar is not clever or postmodern or satirical or anything at all like that. Perhaps it is, instead, a totally face value account of the fact that Chad's got everything and thinks it's pretty brilliant, actually. And if that is the real answer, it poses another question: how can a man ever be happy when, at the end of the day, he is still Chad Kroeger?

In summary, this song makes literally no sense and is the worst thing of all time.