My wife hasn't had the baby yet and THUS I am so astoundingly tense and filled with hate- as I must cawer and crawl and obey the whims of an angry hormone-drenched woman- and yet noone cares that IIII have to go through this too. It's all about her and it's SIMPLY NOT FAIR! Anyhoos. My wife has this batch of fellow Earth Mama Natural Childbirth friends and they all recommend some champagne to induce labor naturally. I was sent out to get the champagne- and YES, I did sing "What's Yo Name, Little Girl" the entire time I was looking for it at the local Food Lion. I also came across a flavor of Boones Farm I had never seen, so I'm gonna have BLUE HAWAIIAN while I watch this bullshit American wrestling and I wanna give a shout out to my main homie Tim Noel for hookin his boy up with all the wrestling tapes Monday night. You are allllll that. Mmmmm, let's drink of the fruit of the vine.... Come upstairs, girl, and have a drank of chammmmmmmpagne...

WHAT WORKED-

- I enjoy the color of the Boone's Farm Blue Hawaiian- it's like if Prestone came out with a designer blue antifreeze. It's taste is like a pina colada and THUS I'm assuming that it is for getting 15 year old girls drunk in the back of your Chevy Nova. Angie takes a sip and is very very not impressed. She says it tastes like Kool-Aid and I like the fact that there is evil Kool-Aid to transition teenagers from sneaking beer out of your daddy's cooler to the world of Scotch and cirrosis of the liver. I have remember not to actua.lly get drunk. But I doubt that this shit will come near entering me into my DrunkleZone. It does angry up the blood though! FUCK YOU EXTREME COCKSUCKING BOWFLEX! LIFT UP MY GIANT GUT AND SUCK MY DICK! AND FUCK YOU, SPRINT! IF YOU SHITHEADS HADN'T SOLD THE SUBSIDIARY THAT I WORKED FOR, I WOULD STILL HAVE THE UNIVERSES GREATEST BENEFITZ! FUCK VERONICA MARS! FUCK A CONFRONTATION BETWEEN CENA AND JBL! mmmmmm Blue Hawaiian........ FUCK YOU, LECTRIC SHAVE! WHAT IS THIS 1975? WHERE ARE THE BRUT 33 COMMERCIALS? CAN'T A MAN SMELL LIKE OLD SPICE ANYMORE? GAAAAAAAAAH!

- Kurt Angle wrestles a hometown hero. mmmmm... Blue Hawaiian..... angries up the blood.... FUCK YOU SHITHEADS WHO YELL, "WHAT!" See if Doug Stanhope would have written a letter to Stone Cold Steve Austin, I would have respected it. Fuck, Larry the Cable Guy doesn't even have a finisher. Stanhope versus SCSA in a First To Say Git Er Done Loses match would be quite a diverting 2 minutes of my life. Nunzio comes out. There was somekind of angle I missed. San Jose sorta gets behind it. The first wave of Blue Haxaiian reminds me that Nunzio was in UWFi and can work the shootstyle. Nice German by Angle after the fun babyface nearfalls. Then he taps. There you go. I welcome you to a WCW Thunder-level throwaway angle.

- The Blue Hawaiian angries up the plumbing. The blue to my terlit will be from my buttocks- AS IF THE TY-D-BOWL man HAD BEEN SHOVED UP MY ASS!!! I did go to Taco Bell for dinner and went to Hardees for lunch so if a boat actual comes out of my ass, I would not be at all surprised. I will keep you abreast of any developments.

- Jindrak and Rey Misterio Jr have a WWE television wrestling match. I would add mint to the Blue Hawaiian and make it a nouvelle Cool Colt. If you are going have such a whorish beer/wine/malt "beverage", you should go all out. Maybe add flavor crystals and a tequila worm. Jindrak does an ode to Alex Wright and me and the Blue Hawaiian tear up at the sweet memories of wrestling gone by. The finish is unlikely.

- Me and the Blue Hawaiian welcome the dynamic MicroTouch to our world. again. It's been to long, old friend. Powerful enough for the tough stuff! The Blue Hawaiian gives me the Hang Loose sign and we laugh at the part when the guy makes the face like his tweezers farted.

- Big Show beats on the Bashams. Big Show's chops are fun. Cole says Big Show's head is like a cocoanut. The Blue Hawaiian says, "Brutha, fuck that littel bastard. I'ma do a Honolulu Sword Dance up his pasty white ass. Hang Loose, Brutha."

- My wife is about to go to sleep so she wants a glass of champagne. I have had enough of the Blue Hawaiian to take that special step, the black and tan meets Boilermaker meets Mimosa step. Yes, the Champagne Blue Hawaiian. He is confused and says, "Hey brothah, I don't know if I like where this is going." It's... uh... hmmm. Well. It's like a ZIMA and green cool-aid and Champale all mixed together. YOU judge if that would be a good thing or a bad thing. The terlit finally calls so I leave the Champagne Blue Hawaiian by the keyboard and bound down the hall. It is a true jailbreak and everyone goes over the wall. I miss the beginning of the UT/Dupre match and I assume that it would be good. UT sells a knee. Champagne Blue Hawaiian says, "Hey Bruthah, what's that show with the Chinese guys running into walls and shit?" Run in and double count out later and I note that I haven't watched much wrestling tonight.

- Booker T and Eddy have a wrestling match. A low key match- as if they are waiting for Nash to come in and powerbomb everybody at some point. I like the part where they punch each other in the face as Eddy gets the Memphis transition by starting to punch his opponent more than his opponent is punching him. And we go to a commercial. I try the champagne by itself. Y'know, with champagne, you get what you pay for. I don't remember buying dog urine. We get back and you are watching what these two would do at a house show. Lowgrade roperunning and a sleeper hold by Booker T. Tazz no-sells the Sleeper. Eddy with the standing dropkick for comeback but Booker cuts him off by sending him over the toprope. They take it to the floor and it gets more fun. I go back and check on my wife and force her to watch the match with me and I explain the babyface comeback that Eddy does out of the chinlock. We discuss the difference between a resthold and that same hold garnering heat from the crowd and then Eddy shows you how it's done. Then you have the comeback and missed Frog Spalsh and the double ref bumps and the perfectly fine finish. Lot of booking for a match that didn't really need it.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- Cena comes out and talks a whole lot about a PPV I didn't see. Hey, Batista is coming. JBL comes out and this goes on for a while. The Blue Hawaiian opens a bag of dipping cup Fritos. "Hey bruthah, you got some onion dip?"

- Carlito talks to Teddy Long. This would be a good time to refill my plastic cup full of Blue Hawaiian. I read the label and it says that this is actually flavored beer. So I'm guessing they bought all the rancid vats of ZIMA that were laying around and added marguirita mix and blue food coloring. Boones Farm makes it street. You, my Blue Hawaiian, are a mystery. You cannot be pinned down. Your taste is elusive. Your effect, kind of stomach-turning. But stomach-turning in a RESPECTED way. Like Cocoanut YooHoo. Or one of artificial banana flavored ice cream "novelties".

- Anonymous Divas have a dispute over a dry cleaning bill. I have dispute with the Blue Hawaiian about trying to explain to my mother the weirding discoloration of my liver when the coroner briefs everybody after my autopsy. The Blue Hawaiian notes, "Brothah, a blue liver would be least of your fat ass's problem. What about that 29 pounds of undigested Monster Thick Burgers in your large intestine? Aloha also means goodbye, motherfucker."

- The Eugene as Forrest Gump commercial would have worked if Regal had peed on the passed out woman. But he didn't. So it sucked. The Blue Hawaiian says, "THAT'S A SHOOT, BRUTHA!"

- That HHH as Braveheart commercial would have worked if Regal would have come out and peed on HHH. But he didn't. So it sucked.

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENShe says it tastes like Kool-Aid and I like the fact that there is evil Kool-Aid to transition teenagers from sneaking beer out of your daddy's cooler to the world of Scotch and cirrosis of the liver. I have remember not to actua.lly get drunk. But I doubt that this shit will come near entering me into my DrunkleZone.

Evil Kool-Aid? Well, at least now we know what Heyman gave to the wrestlers in Philly to go along with those nice bouncing checks in the late 90's.And DEAN, to be fair, even if your wife wasn't pregnant you'd still be cowering and crawling and obeying her whims. At least the pregnancy provides some cover.

- The Blue Hawaiian angries up the plumbing. The blue to my terlit will be from my buttocks- AS IF THE TY-D-BOWL man HAD BEEN SHOVED UP MY ASS!!! I did go to Taco Bell for dinner and went to Hardees for lunch so if a boat actual comes out of my ass, I would not be at all surprised. I will keep you abreast of any developments.

- The Blue Hawaiian angries up the plumbing. The blue to my terlit will be from my buttocks- AS IF THE TY-D-BOWL man HAD BEEN SHOVED UP MY ASS!!! I did go to Taco Bell for dinner and went to Hardees for lunch so if a boat actual comes out of my ass, I would not be at all surprised. I will keep you abreast of any developments.

1) Cena/Long/Jordan/JBL -> All that we need, an 8 man tournament, like we haven't seen that before. I have a feeling that Cena is going to win this. Ever since Jordan grew his hair, he's starting to look like Flip Wilson...IMO. Everything else was just...blah, blah, blah.

2) Angle/Nunzio -> Wow, an Angle Invite match that actually was a pretty good match. Only problem with Nunzio, he's just not that good with promos.

3) Long/Carlito -> Board of Directors...probably in the same room as the record book they keep talking about. Carlito, come back soon, getting tired of the petition angle.

4) Mysterio/Jindrak -> Oh goody. Mr. No Gimmick because the "narcissist-like" gimmick did not go against the most annoying wrestler on the SD roster. If it was up to me, I would have someone, like Luther Reigns, wait until Mysterio comes down from ascending from under the stage, and then...WHACK!!! They should reunite the Natural Born Thrillers to get Jindrak a push. Loved the shot by Jindrak to Mysterio's ear, but he wasted time by gyrating, then missing a simple elbow drop. I like it when someone loses the match and has a fit in the ring. Mark, it was your fault that you lost the match to a 175 pound masked jumping bean!!!

5) Just as it gets annoying, the non-wrestling divas extend their angle. I mean, you have two divas who have only been in the WWE for two months in a weekly angle, and then you have your wrestling divas stuck in mothballs not doing anything.

6) Eugene commercial -> Can't wait for the other commercials prior to WM.

7) Big Show/Bashams -> The entry way looks a little weird tonight with 1/2 the Raw set. It was nice to be the ref in this match, he's the only one with the hair. Other than that, it was the typical Big Show handicap match.

8) Hall of Fame Inductions -> Orndorff, Iron Shiek, Volkoff, Bob Orton Jr., Jimmy Hart...great group so far. Couple of reunions already (Orndorff/Orton, Shiek/Volkoff). Couple of personals, my dad remembers the Iron Shiek walking by our car at the Rosemont Horizon (now Allstate Arena). Also, Volkoff was in the main event that night, against that guy named...uh, Hogan. Yeah. For the title. It was the first WWF/WWE event held at the Horizon, after moving from the UIC Pavilion. It was around 1985. (Hard to believe it's been that long.)

9) Dupree/UT -> My thought...somehow, if HHH faced the Undertaker in a match, I think it would last 25 minutes, but 15 of the minutes would be the two of them walking to the ring. OK match, but an ending that stunk. Plus, we they had to break for the Pink Floyd "We are old, and we are putting a greatest hits CD" commercial. Indirectly, Angle wins because he could end up going to the finals if he beats Mysterio...he better win!!!

10) HHH Braveheart WM promo -> For once, I would like to see an entire arena leave when HHH is talking. Flair...hilarious.

11) Booker/Eddie -> OK match. I don't know why the announcers talk about the large Latino population of Chicago when they are here. We have 4 Spanish TV stations and I don't know how many Spanish radio stations we have, there's just too many. These ref bumps...they are starting to get way too obvious. I could see the ref bump from 5 miles away.

Commercials & Local Stuff -> 1) Urlacher needs that wire helmet for the Bears to do better next year.2) Trojan ad -> no can do for me, I need a woman in my life.3) We have "Let's Get it Started as our song for the promo for the shows that are on UPN-Chicago. That song really annoyed me during the NBA playoffs (it was on way way too much in the commercials)...now, I've gotten used to it and somewhat enjoy it. Also, I don't know why there is some guy in a luchador mask saying the name of another show and not Smackdown.

Final Thoughts:1) I was listening to our sports radio station today and our guys were in Jacksonville for the Super Bowl. One of the guests...Goldberg!!! Most of the talk was about the remake of the movie "The Longest Yard," which he just finished taping. However, when the question was about wrestling, he said that he has stopped wrestling. He won't go back to the WWE because he doesn't condone all the different situations that is going on today. The only three reasons about him coming back are as follows:A) WWE must clean up its actB) Wrestle in JapanC) Have a new wrestling organization formed (He's hoping Ted Turner gets involved in some way of starting it)One of the last questions asked was Goldberg vs The Rock (the guys interviewed The Rock at last year's Super Bowl week). Goldberg said The Rock, because he (Goldberg) beat him once and he owes him one.2) Speaking of Jacksonville, I can't wait until Sunday. Having 35-40 friends and family at the house to watch the game. We got the usual square game going on and I need to win some money bad. I won nothing for the confidence pool, and I was in charge of it. It's going to be great. My prediction: 27-24 New England, Vinatieri makes game winning field goal with no time left or in overtime.3) Wrestling wise: It's going to be interesting to see how the Japan tapings go. There will be great matches of interest. Maybe we will get grainy vision like the UK.

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENThe first wave of Blue Haxaiian reminds me that Nunzio was in UWFi and can work the shootstyle.

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

This really made me start to daydream about Maeda and Takada walking in and beating the shit out of the entire roster.

God they deserve it.

"Well, you can't involve friendship with business. It has to be one or the other. It's either business or friendship, or hit the bricks!"--Life Lessons from "The Tao of Bobby the Brain Heenan" Uncensored 2000 preview

1) Cena/Long/Jordan/JBL -> All that we need, an 8 man tournament, like we haven't seen that before. I have a feeling that Cena is going to win this. Ever since Jordan grew his hair, he's starting to look like Flip Wilson...IMO. Everything else was just...blah, blah, blah....

Are you hijacking the workrate report? Did you two watch the same show? I like DEAN's better, brutha.

Originally posted by DEANMy wife hasn't had the baby yet and THUS I am so astoundingly tense and filled with hate- as I must cawer and crawl and obey the whims of an angry hormone-drenched woman- and yet noone cares that IIII have to go through this too. It's all about her and it's SIMPLY NOT FAIR!

If we don't get a Workrate Report on the birth on Dean Jr. #4 (is this going to be the fourth girl?), that will be a letdown.

“To get ass, you’ve got to bring ass." -- Roy Jones Jr.

"Your input has been noted.I hope you don't take it personally if I disregard it." -- Guru Zim

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSEN--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That HHH as Braveheart commercial would have worked if Regal would have come out and peed on HHH. But he didn't. So it sucked.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry but Ric Flair in peasant garb strutting in a field while dragging a donkey behind him was DAMN funny to me.

Originally posted by DEAN RASMUSSENMy wife hasn't had the baby yet and THUS I am so astoundingly tense and filled with hate- as I must cawer and crawl and obey the whims of an angry hormone-drenched woman- and yet noone cares that IIII have to go through this too. It's all about her and it's SIMPLY NOT FAIR!

And here is the update:

Eric Breeden Rasmussen arrived at 2:17 AM on February 8th and weighed in at 7 pounds, 4 ounces.

Originally posted by JayJayDean2:17 AM, huh? I hope it went quickly, though I'd suspect at kid #4 it be pretty likely that that was the case. The next few SUPER SLEEP DEPRIVED Workrate Reports ought to be a treat.

It was 13 hours and hit all at once. The baby started coming out without any nurses or doctors in the room. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT PANIC IS unless you've been there, my brother. Luckily, the doctor came in and grabbed him as he was already halfway coming out. My favorite quote of the event was this question posed to me by my amazingly-tough-as-fucking-nails wife: "Was that blood or just fluid?"