I do realize that when I feel the worst about myself, when I have compared myself to other males is when I have had the strongest compulsion to seek out this type of porn.

However, I really don't want to think about it in any positive terms. I don't want to go back to it at all. I want it to be gone completely in any form. Whether that be just in that I never look at that porn again or even the banishing of the thoughts and messages that it sends from existing in my head as truth. I want it to exist in my head as a 100% complete falsehood.

I don't want any positive justification of the idea, because I want it to be completely non-existent in my life. It hurts me so much. I have been so much happier at times when it hasn't been present.

Before coming to this site I had tried to seek out support from a community that I had always been told was very open minded and supportive, namely the kink community. It seemed that when I told them about how I searched for this and how it made me feel so awful afterward that they would have the reaction of "oh well, who cares if it made you feel in danger, worthless, pathetic, emasculated and sometimes even as extreme as not worthy to be called human? It gave you an orgasm. That's all that matters".

I'm sure that if I were my more rational self about this then I would see that that is not what you are saying. But, I am just so terrified by this that I REALLY don't want to hear anyone say anything positive about it at all.

I want to find examples of love expressed in the sex that is portrayed to me. Not further examples of sex that makes me used by someone else to my own detriment.

Sorry if we didn't understand each other. Yes man, we all need to find other ways to avoid repeating those hurtful things (like watching certain types of porn for example or some other destructive action) that could re-traumatize us.I was talking about search for positive role models relating to your opening post and search for erotic romance novels for men. It is good initiative and idea.

Please be aware that I didn't mean to scare you or make impression that things that were hurtful and scary could be positive in some way.

No, I understand. Logically, I even knew that's probably not what you mean when I read it. But, when you are so sacred of something I guess emotions can take over. It was just things like

Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

As I've read all fantasies (even those unpleasant and that could remind us of abuse) have some healing powers.

that made me scared that maybe you might be trying to justify it as ok. Like I said logically, I understood that you probably weren't saying "That this porn is good for you or could heal you in some way". However, emotionally I was terrified of the possibility of people saying it could be healing for me. Like I said I sought out support from the kink community before coming to this site. I even had one guy claim that the combination of fear, pain and pleasure could be a really great combination. Which made me think that that might be what I might have found when you brought this upIt was revelation form me when I found more about it in this article here:

Which obviously made me really scared to open the article, because I did not want to read about how great this thing that has caused me so much pain could be for me.

Which made me a bit hesitant about this:

Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

you are not alone

At first I felt welcomed and comforted, which was a bit healing in and of itself. But, then my emotions got the better of me and I thought wait am I getting welcomed into some place that is going to justify how this thing that has hurt me is so good for me and even how the combination of pain and pleasure can be such a great combination?

I don't know if this is making sense but like I said logically I knew that's not what you meant, but emotionally I was scared to death, because this porn is so scarring.

Hey it is alright my friend, we are here to give support to each other with aim to move with our healing. As the most of us have some own issues it is easy to get confused. I'm sorry if you felt scared; it wasn't my intention.Have you been read that article?It was very helpful for me to go trough it and learn more about mechanism that is set behind need that has driven us in past to do some things that were actually hurtful for us (like watching some type of porn for example). I think it is great tool in healing.

I was a little afraid to read it. I was afraid that logically it had to say that there was something positive about the behaviors since it doesn't seem that anything can be purely positive or negative.

But, I just forced myself to read it even though I was scared to do so. After reading it I have to say that I actually do understand my self-defeating behaviors a bit more. That wasn't the most helpful part about it, though. The most helpful was that it gave me a strategy for how to deal with these self defeating behaviors and overcome them. They may not be my fault, but I still want to overcome them.

Maybe without even realizing it I was sort of giving myself an option for an intervention by trying to find these books that I was searching for.

I'm thinking about 4 books. In my opinion, these are good books to explore sexuality with. It comes down to find your "own" style at the end anyway. Life and love is not like a romantic movie. It can sometimes, i guess, but mostly not so much. The books are:1) Eleven minutes, by Paulo Coehlo 2) turkish delight, by Jan Wolkers3) two women, by Harry Mullish4) women, by Charles Bukowski5) white sand, by christine Hemmerechts6) salt on our skin, by benoite Groult

Ok, that are 6. I think nr. 5 and 6 might be espescially well suited, but I love nr. 2 & 4

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