My best friend broke up with me....

I have a friend, I will call Jane, who I’ve been BFF with since we were 11, so around 25 years. I spent every summer with her and her family in Cape Cod, you get the drift. Lately she has been under a lot of stress. She hates her job and her son is in the process of being diagnosed with autism, among other things. I have three kids, one in school and a set of “Irish Twins” age 18 month and 2 1/2 so my schedule is what it is- with school stuff and naps and such. I am also an online tutor and am working to become a doula. We’ve tried to get together once a week, but sometimes it doesn’t work out for reasons. I’ve told her that we can keep it casual and fluid as her schedule is crazy with work and her millions of therapy appointments. I try to always be there for her and be supportive and a sounding board. I understand that she is having a hard time. We’ve made plans to go on vacation together, our two families, this summer and I was in the process of booking that vacation. So this weekend. It’s her birthday weekend. We made plans to get together on Saturday but we had some terrible weather so I thought maybe we could get together today. I messaged her happy birthday in the morning and I got a break up text in return (text in comments). I had no idea this was coming. However- she has done this before. About 15 years ago she was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be abusing her (I didn’t know that she hid it well) and she sent me a break up note and I didn’t hear from her for about two years. Then I reached out with a Christmas card and we resumed our friendship (asshole BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) was out of the picture). We picked up where we left off. So since getting this message I’ve been reflecting on our friendship. I feel like I’ve tried harder to make her a part of my life/family (for example, I asked her to be my daughters Godmother and she accepted). When she got married in a small, back yard wedding she had her parents, his parents and his sister. I was not invited even though I thought I was like a sister and he had his sister there, and I consider her parents to be second parents to me, and I get along well with her husband and even his parents. No one would have thought anything of me being there. It really hurt my feelings but I said nothing as it was her day, her way. So my questions- would you respond to this message and what would you do if she eventually wanted to resume our friendship? I’m not going to reach out this time. I’m pretty upset at the moment so I don’t want to do anything in haste.

Comments (70)

I can see why this would upset you. Actually I'm going through a similar situation with a friend so I know how bad this hurts. But I don't think your friend is breaking up with you. I think she's just saying she needs space right now. It sounds like she has a lot going on and is overwhelmed.

I'm not sure if I would respond. Maybe I would just say I will miss you & wish you the best to.

As far as what to do if she wants to continue the friendship I think you need to decide is this someone you want to be friends with knowing in the future she may react the same. If you can handle this behavior in a friendship and want to be her friend then if she comes back resume the friendship.

On the other hand if you can't handle this behavior I would let this friendship go.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that does not look like a break up text to me. It looks like an "I'm drowning in things I need to do, and have to do survival things first, so need to drop everything that isn't about survival and unfortunately you are in that category. When I'm not drowning, I will be back"

And probably part of it is the vacation. She has so much crap she is wading through that vacation is so far down on the priority list.

I'm a mom of special needs kids, I have chronic health issues, my DH (dear husband) hates his job. So I might be projecting too much for your friend.

I think absolutely wait for her to contact again. But try not to take it personal, it very much might not be about you.

--

Grandma's been watching Toy Story on a loop while she pops magic antidepressants like Pez. ~DecLaura

I personally would leave it where it is and not reach out or respond. I would wait to see if she does try to reconnect in the distant future and then evaluate if you want her in your life and the degree that you do.

She may be choosing to self-isolate as a coping strategy as she goes through the diagnosis process with her son and comes to terms with what that will mean for her, her child, and her family.

Sounds like she just needs space and might not have the emotional and physical energy to maintain the friendship right now, on top of all her other troubles.

I'm an introvert and I know that when I feel overwhelmed, I sometimes NEED to step away from others. Extroverts and more social people tend to view this as a big negative- as if isolating oneself is a bad sign or dangerous. But for me personally, the space allows me to focus on the most important matters at hand and helps me to feel rested.

Obviously I don't know your friend and so this might not be the case but personally, I'd give her space and let her take the next step in the future. At that point, you can decide if the relationship (and the off and on nature of it) works for you.

I don't see this as a breakup text. She sound way over whelmed and a weekly get together it too much and even though you said it was more at whatever schedule she could do she's probably stressed about that too as well as committing to a vacation.

The message was very nice. I would take it as you went hear from her for a while because she's trying to fit so much on her plate, something needs to fall off. Best friends can step right back in to it after a break and understand.

I also don’t see it as a break up. Sounds like she really is expending lots of energy on her family right now and needs to back away for a bit to make sure she is capable of taking care of her family and herself. Maybe it’s just really stressful trying to add more into her calendar right now and she wanted to be up front about t instead of brushing you off.

I would reply with something like “I understand you have a lot going on right now. I respect whatever you need to do for yourself and your family. Please feel free to reach out when you are ready”

It sounds like she's going through a hard time and wants to focus her attention inward in herself and her immediate family for a little while.

I do this. I've been through a lot these past few years and sometimes I just completely step back from everyone. I just can't be around people, in my case, people who have had easy success when I am trying so hard and failing over and over again. It doesn't mean I don't love my friends, I just can't be around them sometimes. I have to focus on my own life and figuring out what to do next.

I don't think your friend is breaking up with you. I think she just needs some time and space. I wouldn't take it personally although I can understand that your feelings are hurt.

If it were me, I'd say:

"I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now and I understand. Do what you need to do and if there's anything I can help with, let me know. I hope you had a nice birthday!"

It sounds like she's drowning in family related issues and circling the wagons. My two daughters have CAS, so I am very careful of spending a limited amount of time with and on friends. The problem is not the friendships, it's the weight of knowing and seeing my friends talk with their children. My younger daughter is finally breaking through verbally but is three years behind in speech. My older daughter is in first grade and can say ten words. Special needs kids change how you see the world and it sounds like she is trying to focus on herself and family.

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