Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I realized I haven't posted in a while and that's because I've been fortunate enough to be home for 6 days! A luxury that I was never expecting and it was great. It was extremely awkward to be home and then leave again. I got into a routine with going over to my sister's every day and spending time with her while Jesse was working and then going back to his place and either spending time with him or with friends. Seeing the little ones and Kat every day was such a delight, it made me feel like really being HOME again, and it's been a while since I had that feeling. It was great to be able to spend time with everyone who was able, and to be able to go to Art-A-Whirl (I even miss NE Minneapolis!). It is, however, really hard to realize that relationships don't stay the same when you're gone all the time. Communication is key in keeping this going, but even when communication is there, you're missing so much more. I feel such a distance from EVERYONE (even my cat...) and don't like it. As much as I'm sure it's not personal, I believe that people, myself included, get in a routine which does not include someone who is not there. So even though you're still talking or facebooking or whatever, that person isn't a part of your real life anymore. Depressing. Since starting this job, I've realized that there is SO much downtime and when you're the kind of person who can't switch off the brain like I am, this is dangerous. My main goal has been to distract myself at all times. Which, is not good either. After a much needed emotional coffee time with Ellen this past week, she challenged me to BE. Going through life distracting myself from reality is no life at all. This change of perspective has caused a lot of confusion in my interpersonal life, which doesn't help with the whole thinking myself crazy thing... And since there's nothing to do in this teeeny town, I'm spending my time reading, working out, and trying TRYING to work on those relationships (it's hard when communication is only 1-sided, there's not much I can do). I'm trying to grow...one step at a time I guess. Thanks to those who have really been there for me through all of this. I love you.

Switching gears: There's not much to say about Williams, Arizona. While taking 30 minutes to walk around town today (yes, it only took 30 minutes to walk the from one side to the other and back) I got whistled at 3 times. This doesn't happen ever...so I'm guessing they really have a lack of variety here... Route 66 runs right through town, as well as the Rail Road, which is why I'm here. The hotel depends on the train that goes daily to the Grand Canyon. There's literally no other reason to come here. The have a dog kennel here as well, so I got to pet some pooches yesterday which was wonderfully uplifting. Walking through town I had to stop at the one thrift store in town which not only had Beanie Babies and VHS's galore, but also 2 books written by Ethan Hawke. Who knew he was an author? Wiliams is so ahead of it's time I guess...

6 comments:

Yay for exercising, I'm glad to hear the proactive-ness of you =) I just loved our week with you as well, and can't wait to see you again. I wish I could talk more on the phone...but you don't need to hear screaming kids while you're away. I'm doing the whole "distract me until the day is over" thing as well, I totally get that mindset. But, you'll be in Hawaii soon! Beautiful nature with inspiration gallore, and you'll be able to come home before that...so its all good! Love you!

PS - this is the word it made me verify to post that comment: shessmet. Can you help me think of a definition? I think that word deserves to mean something... It sounds to me like a Jewish article of clothing. "I forgot my shessmet". Let me know what you think. Also - my dad just asked me what I am doing, so I said I was blogging you. He said "Blogging.... is that something you do with your nose?" Ohhhhhhhhh Jeff.

You're an amazing person! Focus on the people in your life who do love you and communicate that they care about you b/c you're awesome and deserve ONLY THE BEST Miss Red! and if someone can't see that? pssshhhh, they are CRAZYYYY!!!!!! Keep your head up! XOXO

I agree with the jerk above me! You are indeed fabulous my darling, and no matter what, God wouldn't give you more than you can handle. Remember, people are put into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Once you figure out where those around you fall in those categories, you're good! Love you lots!