•Pin Up•

If you know me, you know I love makeup. I’ve been doing makeup for 10 years now, 5 of those professionally. I taught myself how to use makeup by looking at pictures in magazines and trying to recreate them. This was way things were done before the invention of YouTube where I could just search “how do to a cat eye” or anything. When I was in middle school and first experimented with makeup, you either went to MAC to learn, or you taught yourself. Imagine doing that now!

I was always drawn to eccentric makeup that could be mistaken for drag queen makeup. The bright bold eyes with glitter and gems everywhere was my makeup life support. Some of my biggest inspirations as a kid when it came to makeup was Gwen Stefani’s hot pink smokey eye in the No Doubt “ex girlfriend” video or Amy Lee’s bold eye in the Evanescence “Going Under” video. I spent almost everyday for 2 years in middle school trying to recreate those looks.

Nowadays, I wear crazy eye makeup here or there. Typically it’s nude smokey eye, winged eyeliner and bright ass lipstick. Let me just put it out there, I fucking love bright ass lipstick. The redder the better. The one thing that has never changed no matter how much my style has, is how extremely picky I am with my makeup. Nobody sponsors me, or sends me free products to tell you to buy their stuff. If I love a product I will preach it to the world, and most of the time I set too high of standards for my makeup. If I was as picky with my men, as I am with my mascara…I would’ve wasted WAY less time in my early 20’s. Just sayin’.

So here’s some tidbits and bullshit for a makeup lover…

1. If Sephora is out of “train bleu” by Nars, go out and buy “Vintage” in the “Liquid Suede Cream Lipsticks” by NYX Cosmetics. Just make sure to use a plum lipliner. BAM! Same color, and you saved $15 dollars.

Wearing “Suede”

2. Do you love glitter? How cool are the Heavy Metal glitter liners by Urban Decay? So cool, and work amazingly. I bought these for 5 years until I tried the NYX “Liquid Crystal Liners” and loved them way more. The glitter is smaller and leads to a more precise line. It’s also 20 dollars cheaper. Once again, you’re welcome.

3. To all my pin up girls, you NEED the Gwen Stefani Urban Decay Eyeshadow palette. I’m dead serious! If you buy this, you don’t need any other eye shadows. Not to mention the shadows blend together like paint.

4. Smash Box is over priced drug store makeup. A (very) few items are worth the money but I’d avoid their lipsticks like I’d avoid 90’s pencil thin eyebrows.

5. Speaking of Smashbox, the Fergie Wet N’ Wild “High Shine Lip Stains” are literally the same product as the Smash Box “Be Legendary Lip Laquer.” They last the same, and feel the same…the only difference is the smell and taste.

6. Urban Decay’s “Afterglow” blushes are one of a kind, like a baby daddy who doesn’t bail. They are AMAZING and last ALL DAY.

7. If youcomplain your lipstick bleeds and you don’t own “no bleeding lips” lip liner…don’t talk to me. I don’t have time for malarkey that can be fixed with one product.

8. If you love red lipstick but never wear it because “it doesn’t stay on” then buy “Beso” by Stila cosmetics. Only the greatest red ever, and it DOESN’T come off. If I die young and I’m not buried in this lip color I’m gonna haunt everyone. It’s that serious.

Wearing “Beso.”

9. If you don’t like wearing false eyelashes because it’s hard to notice that they’re on…double them up. Literally glue one on top of the other! I have almond eyes and I’ve hated false eyelashes until makeup extraordinaire Brandon Ward of Sweet Tart Studio’s did my makeup for the Gansett Girl calendar and showed me that trick. So obvious, so simple and SO fabulous!

10. Speaking of false lashes, Kiss lashes (yes-the ones at the drug store) are incredible! Cheap, come with glue, look so natural against the lash line that people will think you have some super human lashes.

Wearing Kiss in “Blooming Lash”

11. Too Faced’s bronzer’s are trendy and everyone seems to own them. They are so entirely overrated, and not as great as they are made out to be…or what you pay for them. So don’t. Tarte, Youngblood, or Nar’s bronzers all day.

12. All my black Friday shoppers, don’t go on Sephora.com to get your favorite brands. Go to the makeup brands DIRECT website, where they were actually have products at a discount with free shipping. Sephora rarely does sales, so don’t do that to your wallet.

13. NYX “HD Concealer Wand” is one of my favorite concealers ever…gives amazing coverage, and doesn’t budge. When I worked for Sephora, everyone would ask me what I was wearing because it looked so “natural.” I’d have to say I like it way more than my MAC “Pro Longwear Concealer.” Only downfall is it dries super fast, so you gotta blend quick!

14. Good makeup comes with good skin! Make sure your skincare routine is your main priority before you buy any type of makeup. My newest skincare obsession is the “Microdelivery peel” by Philosophy. The dead skin is gone, and my makeup looks like that of an airbrushed Kardashian. Seriously, if your skin is flakey…you should be exfoliating!

15. STOP sleeping in your makeup! Would you coat your teeth in sugar then fall asleep and expect them not to rot out of your mouth? Treat your skin the same! Once its gone, it’s gone. Unless you got that celebrity money for Botox but you’ll look like a robot version of yourself. I repeat, NO MAKEUP when you sleep!

And the most important rule…

You’re be-you-tiful whether your face is plastered in the most expensive makeup you can find, or wearing none at all. It’s nice to feel girly in your favorite lipstick but most importantly its better to have a genuine smile behind that lipstick, cause you are way more than a some colored goop on your lips.

Hope you guys enjoyed this different approach at my blog, I figured it was time to open up about beauty since it is my career!

I’m going to give you advice about life because mine is so put together, and you could really use a tip or two. Let’s follow that up with the biggest “JK!” you could ever imagine. 2015 was all in all, a great year for me. I felt like I accomplished a lot, and I learned a lot. I’m not saying this year was filled with wonderful things and I lucked out by never going through a rough patch. The rough times were there, more so than I wished for. Yet, the difference in how I’ve looked at this year to be able to say “this year was a great year for me,” vs. the past couple of years…is that I changed the way I look at things. It is crazy what a positive mindset, and the ability to STOP assuming things can do for you.

If I were to sum up what I got out of 2015 that could be useful to someone else in 2016, these are 6 things. Some of them are common sense, but we have to remember that until we experience something to have that “moment of realization,” we will never learn. There’s no such thing as choosing one day of the year to change everything about you because its a new year. Aspire to be better for yourself everyday! Now onto the big 6…

STOP THINKING YOU NEED SOMEONE. YOU NEED YOU.

I had always been the girl who had to have a boyfriend. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life in a relationship, or talking to somebody. For almost three years had I been in relationship after relationship, never giving my heart a break OR taking into consideration who I’m dating. Saying I “wasted time” would be mean because some of these guys are great guys who don’t deserve to be looked at that way. If anything, I wasted my own time because I knew I never wanted a future with most of them,and that I just didn’t want to be alone. Which all in all, is pathetic. After my last break up, I knew I needed time to be alone and work on my life before I let someone else be part of it. Over a half a year in, and I wish I had done this a long, long time ago. I was able to be selfish, and revolve my life around me. I went camping with my guy friends, a spontaneous road trip with my best friend, and I put all my free time into my pin up modeling…which we all know went well! Although I was loving the single life, I didn’t stop myself from going on dates, or getting to know other people, because meeting those random guys have made me realize what I do and do not want out of my significant other.

2. DON’T GIVE UP ON A DREAM…EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T GET IT THIS YEAR, OR THE NEXT YEAR.

The one thing I had always imagined during my entire weight loss journey was jumping around the beach in a bikini. Every time I was on the elliptical, lifting weights or taking a class… in the back of my head was watching my hard work pay off for that moment at the beach. I had always been overweight, and not a day in my life had I wore a bikini, so this was a major dream of mine. As I watched the numbers decrease on the scale, I couldn’t help but notice that my stomach wasn’t changing. I looked like a smaller version of my big self, and I thought that I was maybe working out incorrectly or needed to lose more weight before it looked toned and bikini ready. No, turns out I needed surgery. I found this news out in the spring of 2013.

In the fall of 2014, I found out I got approved for a panniculectomy to remove the excess skin off my abdomen. I underwent the surgery in January 2015. Therefore, in the summer of 2015 I pranced around the beach in my high waisted two piece. Mind you, my surgery had been so recent that I couldn’t have my scars exposed to sunlight so I walked around the beach with a piece of tape going over my vertical incision. I wasn’t the object of every males attention as I ran by in slow motion like Pamela Anderson, or rolled in the wet sand like a Victoria’s Secret model. In fact, none of that happened because that’s not the life I lead. I definitely did a dance, took a thousand pictures and made sure the whole world saw me in that two piece. What I was that day was more meaningful than a Pamela Anderson or a Victoria’s Secret Model… I was thousands of hours of hard ass work, and three months of intense pain in recovery to have that body. Most girls wouldn’t wear a two piece in my scarred, stretch marked stomach…but FUCK that. My body is awesome and I can’t trade it…so I’m going to be proud of it. It took years, but this dream of mine came true!

3. IF THEY GIVE YOU RAINCLOUDS…STOP USING AN UMBRELLA, AND GET RID OF EM!

We all have that one friend (or perhaps multiple friends) who makes us question every other week why we’re even friends with them anymore. For every time you like them, there’s twice as many times you question their behavior. Whether you’ve matured in life, and they seem to be at a stand still or you’ve finally opened your eyes to their bullshit…if they do no benefit your life, you don’t need them in your life! Relationships of any kind are supposed to be a wonderful asset to your life, not bring you down.

This year I distanced myself from a couple people that were “friends” and it wasn’t easy. I rethought it through almost a hundred times, about each one of them…but it had to be done. These “friends” were the types that I couldn’t bring around other people because of their bad, possessive attitudes or that they only came around at their convenience when they needed something. I mentioned in my previous blog post “red flag’s.” Once I noticed behaviors of theirs that upset me, and people around me noticied it as well (multiple times), I knew I needed to cut them loose. Some people are not meant to be in your life forever, you learn from them and maybe even grow from them…but you don’t hurt yourself to keep them around based on a past you guys once shared. Life goes on, and those who want to stay and are worth staying, will stay.

4. SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU EVEN WHEN YOU ARENT LOVABLE.

And that is one word, family. My family has seen me at my best, and at my absolute worst in which they loved me both the same. Sometimes we are so focused on work, our goals, and keeping a social life with friends that we forget what matters the most. I’m a huge family orientated person, I’ll ditch anyone any day to have dinner with my parents or Grandparents and if my baby Brother needs me, the world is put on pause. I’m lucky to have a great family, they aren’t perfect but they’re perfect for me. I went through a dark time earlier this year, and it was my family who pushed me out of it. I’d go through my day’s of up’s that followed by weeks of down’s and throughout it all they reminded me of one thing, who I am and my worth. This year I made it my personal goal to spend more time with them, from going to play’s with Grandma, grabbing a drink at the bar with my Brother or pretending I like football as an excuse to be around my Dad on Sunday… I did it. I made it a point to learn more about my parent’s history, like how my Mom spent her childhood living in Italy (which made me add traveling to Italy with her to my bucket list.)

All in all, spend more time with people you love because you never know if this is year last year with them. Sad, but true!

5. YOUR STORY IS YOUR OWN

Plain and simple, your life is your own. Stop judging where you think you should be, or your self worth based on what society tells you. How many times this year did you feel bad for yourself because you haven’t accomplished something that “by now” you should’ve done. Or how many times did you feel like a “loser” or “failure” because you’re 30 years old and broke off your engagement with no marriage or children anywhere in sight. First of all, what’s the rush? Just because everyone else is on a time crunch to pop out children they can’t afford to marry someone they’ll divorce in 5 years, doesn’t mean you have to. Obviously, not ALL scenario’s end that way…but that is the reality of the world we live in. If someone told you to jump off a bridge, would you? When society is indirectly telling you what you should or shouldn’t have accomplished based on your age is practically the same thing. Another thing to take into account is Facebook is a bunch of bullshit, everyone lies and act’s way happier than they are. Don’t fall victim into thinking you’re missing out on life because someone makes their life out to be better than it is. Be you, be happy with you and do things on your time…when you ARE ready!

6. YOU’RE BE-YOU-TIFUL

You fucking are, so accept it and make sure you let everyone around you know it too. You don’t get a second chance to be someone else, so be true to who you are. You won’t wake up with that sexy body you’ve always dreamed of because you spent the year putting yourself down and hating your body for what it is. Your dreams won’t come true if you keep telling yourself you can’t accomplish them. YOU are more than you even know. You are a body that can heal itself, you are a mind that can think for itself, you are a heart that can love and hurt…and nobody else on this planet will ever be you. So live your life, love it and most importantly…love yourself. In 2016 if there is one thing I hope you take from my blogs is to let go of the negativity you put upon yourself, and learn that it’s ok to love you. Even if you’re not a millioniare, size 2, D cup, big bootied…whoever the hell you think you need to be in order to be happy.

I hope 2016 is your best year yet!

Love always,
Alexandra

ps: In case anyone asks, that gorgeous dress I’m in at the top is Jessie Couture!

I’m opening up about a different topic today, one that I typically don’t care to talk about…relationships.

I always get the “How’re you single? You’re so pretty and nice.” Well, some people choose to be single. I’ve spent the last 6 months in a committed relationship to myself and I can say it’s made me a stronger person. The only thing I invest any time or energy into is my career as a hair stylist and makeup artist, upstarting my pin up modeling journey, and lastly, but the most importantly…keeping up with my workout routine! I’m only 25; I’m not exactly concerned about settling down and popping out kids. I’m going to leave that lifestyle to everyone who thinks they’re on a time crunch because of what society expects you to be doing at this age.

I’ve had my fair share of relationships. I’ve met great guys, met douchebags, broke some hearts, and have had mine broken as well. When I fall for someone, I fall hard and blind myself to all the “red flags” that I notice about them from the start. One particular red flag is my gut telling me “girl, run as fast as you can cause this one is trouble.” Instead, my heart takes over and wants to dote over my man of interest…that was until I learned the hard way.

Abusive relationships are more common than you think. A lot of us don’t want to accept the fact we ever let someone treat us the way we did, and we lie to everyone saying ‘it was mutual,’ or ‘it didn’t work out.’ Abuse doesn’t have be physical, it can also be emotional and mental. You may not even realize you’re in a toxic/abusive relationship, or you don’t want to believe it. All I can say, is If you find yourself being scared, or second guessing all of your actions because someone else will attack you, whether it’s physical or verbal…you need to RUN.

It’s hard to admit, and part of me doesn’t want to, but a long time ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I let someone get the best of me, and I watched myself completely self-destruct. I left that relationship feeling mentally imbalanced, inadequate, and worthless. I went from being this girl who would joke around telling her friends she was the “Beyoncé” of the group, to becoming someone who wanted punch her own reflection in the mirror. I’m not going to use names, and I’m not going to even give a time frame of when this relationship happened because I’d rather burn in hell than have him reach out to me again. I always told myself I would “warn the next girl” so she didn’t fall down the same slippery slope of shit that I did. So, this is me paying it forward to the next person to see the cycle and rid yourself of it before it’s too late.

Let’s start from the beginning…

I met someone who seemed too good to be true. He was kind, thoughtful, and loving. He’d bring me medicine when I was sick at work, enjoyed seeing my parents, (would even ask to come with me to see them), and doted on me 24/7. All I could think to myself was “how lucky am I to have met this person?” Everything he said and did was perfect. I felt like I was in a movie screen romance, and I didn’t try to second guess any of it because “I finally got what I deserved”. If we weren’t together, he’d be sending me loving texts all day, and wanted to see me every day. Let’s just say, that was the first red flag, but I wanted to believe it was true love. I’ll call this the “Prince Charming” phase.

This lasted about 6 weeks, then I started to really notice things. One night he made a condescending comment. What do I mean by condescending comment? Bringing something up to purposely hurt someone else’s feelings, but have the comment be indirect enough that you can manipulate them into believing they took it the wrong way. My friend who was there to witness that situation called me the following day to tell me that “you need to be careful, he’s not the person he says he is”. What did I do? I believed that I took what he said the wrong way, and kept what my friend said in the back of my head.

His Prince Charming bullshit appearance started to wear off quickly after that day. I noticed that he didn’t care what I had to say, and would shun off anything I talked about. Everything we did was with his friends, any music we listened to was his music and any show we watched was a show he wanted to watch. Let’s not forget how everything I was into was “dumb” down to the music I liked and to the color of my hair. Depending on who we were around, was the difference in how he treated me. He had two friends that were a couple, and anytime we were around them he’d make it a point to compliment me as much as he could and dote on me. Of course, that behavior was only in front of them or in front of my family.

Suddenly, more things started to fall apart. He’d make mean and nasty comments to me, expect me to act a certain way but he’d act another way; he’d watch me cry and it didn’t even phase him. The fighting got to the point that we couldn’t go a day without fighting. I can remember crying to him about something personal, and him yelling at me to get over it because “that’s fucking life”. He’d pry at all my insecurities and throw them in my face, but claim I was taking what he said “the wrong way.” All the scenario’s he gave me of how ex girlfriend’s treated him badly, he tried pointing fingers saying I was doing the same things that they did. (As if I’d forget the “supposed” stories he told me of his ex girlfriends.)

One of the last couple of fights we had was because I wanted to go out with my friends. Two of them were newly single, and I wanted to take them out to cheer them up. Nothing more. Mind you, I never did anything with any of my friends because I was practically his minion. So he told me he’d go out with his friend Josh. I asked him who “Josh” was because I didn’t recall the name. “Ask my friend Tom’s girlfriend who doesn’t allow Tom to go out with Josh alone. Yeah, ask her who Josh is,” was his reply. I was scared of what I said or did because there was always a reaction that would cut into my self-esteem and self-worth.

There were so many things that I could write about, but I’d rather not. How did I know I needed to get out of this relationship? Another friend saw us together after we got into (yet again) a huge fight and said to me “you look so small next to him, like you cower behind him and that’s not the Alex that I know”. Of course, this was said to me after I had known inside that I needed to get out. The biggest reason why I knew I had to leave this relationship? Because he was turning me into him. I became crazy…and when I say crazy it’s not the “every woman is crazy” type of crazy. Legitimately, nuts. I started giving into his petty games of “I’m done, we’re done”. In fact, I even dumped him without telling him because I let him get me so angry. All I wanted to do was make him feel the way he made me feel. He cried and I enjoyed it when I’m the type of person who can’t watch someone else cry because I’m too empathetic. But, I wasn’t me anymore. I was a broken part of a toxic relationship… one I couldn’t let go of.

The thing about abusive/toxic relationships is you can’t walk away. I spent two months after I dumped him trying to fix things. I had high hopes that things could change and be how they were in the Prince Charming phase. I’d replay all of the great things he did for me, and he always reminded me of “everything he did” for me. However, I knew deep inside this would never work. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be alone or ready to see him be with someone else? Anytime I got to the strength to leave, he’d revert back to the Prince Charming phase and reel me back in. He’d manipulate me into believing I changed, and that he would’ve never dumped me in the first place like I did to him. Eventually I caught him in a lie (a lie that when I questioned him about it, he screamed and yelled at me until I cried) and I left him for good. I had to block him out of my life completely.

**

Looking back on this relationship, I wish I’d opened up to people earlier about what was going on. The first time I called my Dad to tell him about a fight to see if I was “over reacting” he asked me something simple. “Alex, if your Grandfather talked to Grandma the way you were talked to, what would you do? How would you feel about it? And wouldn’t you consider that mental abuse?” I should’ve paid more attention to detail, asked more questions about things that I was unsure about from the start. Most importantly, I wish I didn’t give someone the strength to control me and my actions. I can say that relationship made me crazy, and made me treat him wrong but those were my actions. I have nobody else to blame but myself for not walking away before I let myself get that bitter. The woman I am now would never dream of letting anyone have that much power over me. In fact he would’ve been kicked to the curb before it became anything serious.

If you’re questioning whether or not someone is good for you, THEY ARE NOT. I repeat, THEY ARE NOT. Love isn’t easy, but love shouldn’t make you second guess who you are as person, or your worth. Love shouldn’t beat you down and make you miserable. If my story is anything like yours, please re-evaluate what you’re doing to yourself. I can tell you one thing, although that relationship made me a stronger person…LEAVING that relationship hurt a hell of lot less than being in it. I’m 100% positive I’m happier than whoever his next victim is. As far as seeing him with someone else, a thought that I couldn’t bear at one time, I could look away and say “thank god it’s not me.”

Just because someone does not physically hurt you, doesn’t mean it’s not considered abuse. It also doesn’t mean it can’t turn into physical abuse either. The craziest thing is the mental abuser will never see themselves as what they truly are. They’ll find every excuse, they’ll bend every word and ultimately put it on you. Remember, the story they’ll tell versus the truth will always be two different things. Be strong enough to know who you, and who they are…

NEVER let anyone make you feel like you aren’t be-you-tiful! Until next time! -Alexandra

(Yes, those are real hash tags I found on Instagram, associated with “#wcw.”)

Today is just another day on social media. Somewhere between the unfortunate, heartless racial jokes about Muslims and meme’s about Ronda Rousey will be somebody’s hash-tagged picture of “#wcw.” For those of you unaware of what “#wcw” stands for, it’s “woman crush Wednesday.”

It’s either your excuse to post a good picture of yourself, tag somebody else and pretend to give them praise. Maybe it’s your best friend, favorite musician, girlfriend, wife…yada ya. Oh wait! We can’t forget the pore-less, edited to shit “Instagram model” you want to sleep with and/or want to look like.

Either way…it’s Wednesday, so it’s what you’re going to find. Some girls take it to heart that they aren’t anybody’s “woman crush Wednesday.” As if it’s the right of passage to how to world perceives your beauty and/or self worth. Which is pretty dumb considering you shouldn’t need someone to tell the internet that you’re worthy of being a “crush.” Yes, the thought is always nice but…you never really know the “thought” behind it. So stop blaming yourself for that!

For instance, I can think of two time’s I was ever anybody’s “#wcw,” and they were both ex-boyfriends. Mind you, I bitched to both of them that they never post pictures of me and/or us on social media. AKA, the truth about social media. Don’t buy everything you see…it may be an insecure girl hounding her boyfriend. And that’s exactly what I was, insecure. (I’ve grown up A LOT over this past year of being single…just in case anyone was wondering, LOL!)

When I wrote my blog about “what really intimidates women?” I got so much feedback from women of all ages, and the main thing they all said is “we as woman should uplift each-other.” And they’re right, we should! So if you’re taking the time to read this (thank you for doing so) then think about someone whose qualities or character is something you wish to apply more to your life. Whether it’s an old friend from high school who always makes you smile because they’re a positive person to be around, or an acquaintance of your’s who you notice is kind to everyone around them. Let them know that, make someone’s day who wouldn’t expect it!

My woman crush? Well, she’d never expect it but I think the world of her.

I lost my first pin up pageant to her, and was completely OK with it because she was one of the nicest girl’s I’ve ever met. What I noticed about Regina at the pageant was she was kind to everyone. She never takes her smile off, and it didn’t matter who talked to her…she treated them with respect. She even told me to enter another contest with her. How many girl’s do that? To give themselves more competition? Well, that’s Regina for you. A heart made of gold and expensive red lipstick.

It’s been about 9 month’s since that pageant, and I’ve been lucky to build a friendship with Regina. Although, our main source of communication is through liking each other’s Facebook post’s. This weekend Regina drove an hour out of her way to surprise Ally Oops and I at our Gansett Girl calendar release party. I couldn’t even believe it when I saw her. I have close friends who have never come to any of my pin up stuff, and she came to cheer us on. Which is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

Regina, you are a #beyoutiful woman because you radiate beauty inside and out. I admire your love and adoration for anyone who is in your life, whether it’s a goofy girl you see every so often at pin up shows. More women should be like you!

So who is your unexpected woman crush Wednesday? I hope to see everyone post a picture and hash tag “#beyoutiful” so I can see it. And when you’re taking time to remind someone else of the beauty you see in them…don’t forget to take time to appreciate the beauty that is YOU! Because you are be-you-tiful!

You ever feel like you’re the only person on earth who isn’t accomplishing a thing? Or do you feel like you aren’t living life and you’re settling for less? Do these thoughts make you consider emptying out your bank accounts, driving cross country and starting new? Well, welcome to America. We are all climbing the same ladder to live up to the cultural expectation of what’s considered “successful”. We are trying to prove to ourselves and everyone else that we have a desirable life.

It’s crazy how we perceive what our lives should be like based on someone else’s life. When in reality, do we even know their story? The one they didn’t post themselves onto Facebook. Yeah, they might have a house, but their parent’s are paying their $50,000 college debt. Yeah, they might be engaged but that doesn’t mean they’re not just in it because its easier to pay the bills with two incomes (Of course, we can’t knock the hard workers and those that are really in love). Most of us start college with big dreams and hopeful hearts, we swear our road will be different than anyone else’s because of our passion and talent. The statics didn’t matter, you were going to be successful and make a name for yourself to be known by the world and you were going to make a million dollars. Then a couple years down the line of having that Bachelors degree in Theater, and still making 10 dollars an hour at the pizza shop you worked at while getting this degree…you realize it’s time to move on. AND THAT’S OK!

Lately I’ve been feeling down and out about where I’m at in life. I don’t own my own place, I don’t have a significant other and I put so much time and effort into my career and chasing my dreams that by now I should be way more successful than I am. Last weekend I started to feel so overwhelmed by these thoughts that I stayed at a friends house in the middle of the woods just to get away from everyone and reminders of how I felt that way. I didn’t know what was going to kick these thoughts, or how I was going to shake it all off. Usually I’m a happy, positive, cheerful person so you know I was feeling down if those thoughts lasted more than a day.

Well, Wednesday night I was about to fall asleep when I got a text from a friend of mine. I’d consider him a good friend, but we only minimally talk, so texts from him are a rarity. He asked me if I was talking to someone he knew. After I told him I wasn’t talking to his friend, he proceeded to write back that he saw his friend talking to people about me and showing them my Facebook page. He then added that he couldn’t sleep because if he found out that his “friend” was talking to me, he was going to punch him in the face, because “he’s a piece of shit and I’m you’re too good for him.” “Because I actually care about you,” was how he finished his text before he said goodnight. That small, unexpected text changed my mood because it reminded me that people do care about me, and love me. This kind gesture and the thought that someone would lose sleep over someone else potentially hurting me? It made me feel so loved and I felt my happy, positive self come back.

No matter where my career is, or how little or how much I accomplish… my family and (true) friends will always love me and support me. At the end of the day, I know how hard I work and I know my career is on the brink of huge things. Right now, am I really trying to settle with anyone? I barely have time to update this damn blog! What I needed to remind myself is that the bullshit I take time feel sorry for myself over does not determine my self worth to anyone, or my biggest enemy (at times), myself. How much is in my bank account, whether or not I’m settling down with someone, or if my selfies never look as good as Kylie Jenner’s photo shopped selfies… should not be as mind crutching as they are.

So, I guess my real meaning for this is just appreciate your life for what it is, not for what you think it should be. Be true to yourself, be realistic with your credit card (that Micheal Kors bag is only going to end up next to your Coach and multicolor monogrammed Louis Vuitton) and love yourself! If you were meant to live their life, you would BE THEM!

Recently I went to a circus themed Halloween party where I wore a gorgeous designer dress that I was given for a modeling gig. This dress is the most expensive article of clothing I own, and trust me…it looks it too. Im not a “materialistic” person (unless it’s beauty products) so I didn’t wear the dress because of that. I wore it because it made the perfect “show girl” dress. My hair and makeup looked amazing, and I was feeling extra pretty…who doesn’t like to feel pretty?

Right after the party my friend and I decided to go the bar. We stayed in our costumes, and didn’t care. It’s a Saturday in October after all! Well, my friends walked away from me to get drinks, and I was waiting for them in the corner of the bar. A group of girls on the opposite side of the bar were giving me dirty looks, and one of them walked up to me. “Bitch, you know you can’t wear that. Right?” is what came out of her mouth. I told her I came from a Halloween party then she flicked my boob and walked away.

Before she could walk away, I grabbed her by the extensions and put her in a headlock till she told me she was jealous of my dress. Just kidding! I maybe imagined it but I knew why she said what she did, and I’m not going to get upset over some other girl who was (obviously) jealous. Why else do girls feel the need to attack one another? Is my dress SO bad to wear in public that you need to tell me? It’s fucking not, and I’m sure she wishes she had in hanging in her closet.

I can remember being at the mall a couple years ago and I saw this stunning girl. Her hair and makeup were flawless…never mind how well she dressed and presented herself. A group of girls walked by and loudly said “Wow, who is she trying to be? Fucking Barbie?” And all I could think was those girls wish they looked like her because she had it going on!

It’s sad to say, but nothing intimidates most women more than another beautiful or more successful woman. How many times have you seen a woman driving a Lexus or Mercedes and safely assumed a man purchased it for her? Because a woman could never work hard enough to buy it herself, she has to be sleeping with someone! Or if there’s an attractive woman at a bar were you the first to point out one flaw on her? Did that make you feel better about yourself? Did it make her uglier to everyone else in the bar?

Instead of bringing each other down, why don’t we uplift each other? Let men tell their sandwich jokes and scratch their balls laughing. We should appreciate each other because we as women know just how miraculous our bodies are, and what we face being a woman everyday. I’m not saying let’s all hold hands and sing songs, just don’t jump to conclusions about people. Unfortunately some do, but not everyone fits the stereotype.

Today, I challenge you to compliment a stranger on anything that caught your eye about them. Whether they have a nice smile, pretty hair, or their lipstick looks great. Make their day, and you’ll notice a difference inside yourself. Either that, or remind someone you know that they are beautiful! Then don’t forget to remind yourself that you are one of a kind and be-you-tiful!

A year ago today I got new’s that would change my life forever, but not the way I thought it was going to.

Before I go on, for those of you who don’t know. On January 8th of this year I had a panniculectomy and abdominoplasty. In less big terms, I had excess skin removed from my abdomen area. My insurance approved the ‘panniculectomy’ portion which is cutting off the panniculus (a dangling pouch of excess skin). I paid for the abdominoplasty portion which fixed up the rest of my stomach. I found out about the approval of my surgery in September, but didn’t schedule the procedure until January. Within that time all I did was tell everyone about how bad my stomach looked, and how excited I was to be “normal looking.” I’d spend 95% of my time imagining what it would be like to wear cute pencil skirts, crop tops and most importantly…not get weird rashes because of skin sitting on top of skin. (This is why I stress, take care of your body.)

This is a before picture of my stomach that the surgeon took at my consultation. I cant believe I’m actually posting this for the world to see, but this is what was under my clothes!

A month before my surgery date, I went for my pre-operation appointment. My surgeon looked at my stomach again, only to tell me I had more skin than she initially thought. The only way to completely fix the appearance of my stomach would to be to get a ‘fleur de lis’ incision. In most ‘tummy tuck’ procedures you only have a horizontal incision, with a ‘fleur di lis’ tummy tuck you have also have a vertical one that goes up through the belly button and ends right below the breast bone. I can recall her telling me “with the ‘fleur de lis’ incision you will probably not want to wear a bikini because of the scarring.” Mind you, I had only dreamed of wearing a bikini every single day of my life since I busted my ass to lose the weight. I left my surgeons office that day in tears, because now I wasn’t ever going to look “normal.”

I spent the next month looking up everything I could about scarring, even googling pictures of what to expect. I asked all of my close friends whether I should go forth with the ‘fleur de lis’ procedure or just take my chances on a regular tummy tuck. I can honestly tell you, I spent four weeks stressing myself out over this. Then January 8th came, and I decided to go along with the ‘fleur de lis’ incision. I was scared of what I’d see when I woke up from the surgery, but I was mainly nervous I’d end up hating my body more than I already did. Little did I know those scars were going to change my life.

This is me getting drugged up and ready for action. ( If anyone wants to know what my surgery was like, I’ll make another post about it.)

Drains and binder’s. Bloody fun!

The final product!

FAST FORWARD TO JUNE…

Yes, this Is me in a bikini. Scars out, stretch marks out…and I soaked it all in. The girl who was so scared of not being ‘normal.’ But what is normal? And who the hell is to tell ME I have to cover up my body for a scar. My scar’s made me more confident in myself because I didn’t care what anyone else thought of them. To me, they are my best feature and anytime someone asks to see them… I show them off proudly! They’re a reminder of what my body is capable of healing, and what mountains I’m capable of moving. In less than a year, I went from a vain girl excited for a surgery because I wanted to look ‘normal’ to having a different view of my newly flawed body. My beautifully flawed body. It makes me sad to think I spent so many years hating how I looked. What is the point in that? Disliking your appearance doesn’t fix your appearance.

What I hope anyone takes from this is to not feel ashamed because your body doesn’t look like an air brushed, filtered, edited version of someone else. Chances are the same person you ‘wish’ you looked like probably looks at themselves and wishes they looked like someone else too. Just be proud to be you. As I love to say, and as most people think I can’t spell…Be-you-tiful!

My name is Alexandra. I’m a small town girl from New England, and ironically enough…I hate the winter. Though, in my short 25 years of life I have yet to leave for the warmer parts of the world. I’m a licensed cosmetologist who has professionally worked in salons for four years now, and recently can say I’m a published hair stylist and makeup artist. I dress like a 50’s pin up model for fun, but in the past few month’s it has seemed to open doors for me. I’m a calendar girl for the 2016 Narragansett Beer Gansett Girl calendar, my picture is in the October issue of Pin Up’s & Hot Rod’s Magazine. Oh! And I will be modeling a dress for Jessie Couture for an upcoming issue of Supermodel’s Unlimited Magazine. These may be small accomplishments but to the girl I was 5 years ago, these were just day dreams that nobody believed I could do, including myself.

Yes, that’s me. The same girl whose also pictured above in a tight red pencil skirt. 5 years ago I was tipping the scale at 292lbs. It’s not like that weight just appeared in a few short years, I had been overweight my entire life. I was known as the ‘fat girl’ or my favorite “the fat girl with the pretty face.” Guys didn’t care to date me, I barely had any friends, and the worst of it all was I had no self esteem, whatsoever. Most of the time I tried to hide, or stayed quiet so people wouldn’t notice me. As a complete shock to people who know me now, I hated having my picture taken. In 2010, my weight had escalated so much that I couldn’t fit into junior’s plus size clothing anymore, and I physically was getting sick. My Father, then 50 year’s old could walk up a flight of stairs, and I couldn’t. I knew it was time for a change…

In 2010, I lost about 50 pounds but gained more than half of it back during beauty school. It wasn’t until 2012 where I had my complete awakening.I had met a guy who I was crazy about, and I thought was crazy about me too. He was a personal trainer, and it always made me feel insecure to be so overweight and stand next this buff guy. Well, apparently he felt the same, because he dumped me and started talking to a skinny girl with big boobs. At first all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and never come out. This guy was one of the many jerks I met around that time, and instead of crying over him…I decided it was time for some changes. I set up small goals for myself, and kept conquering them. I’d constantly educate myself on diet and exercise to keep myself from hitting plateau’s. Luckily enough, my younger brother (and guardian angel) would come to the gym with me every week to teach me how to properly utilize all my workouts. In a matter of a year, I lost 100lbs without any help from a doctor or nutritionist. Not to mention, my genetics are against me in the weight loss department because I have PCOS.

My point of this blog is to not just talk about pin up, weight loss, hair and make up. Of course…there’s going to be A LOT of that but my main purpose is to inspire people. I want someone who feels the way that I did to know that you aren’t hopeless, or alone. If there’s something you dream of being or doing, that you can in fact do it with hard work, determination and a positive attitude towards yourself and others. Most importantly, I want to change the way beauty is perceived by the world, because nobody should ever feel unhappy with themselves. My name is Alexandra, but one day I won’t have to tell anyone that. They’ll already know.