~ MA, CCC, RP, E-RYT

Monthly Archives: February 2013

The beauty is the pure, amazing vulnerability that defines our very humanity. That vulnerability only has harming effects when one tries to escape it and run away from the sense of being open and exposed to the world. The harming effects come from the self-sabotaging attempts of desperately proving that one is not the beautiful and loveable person that he or she truly is. The self-sabotaging behaviours also serve in keeping people at a distance, to avoid the potential pain of rejection and the fear of actually experiencing true joy and connection.

I am currently working with a group of six teenage girls. Four of the six are cutters, one is battling with severe drug addictions, and the other opened up last week about her eating disorder. What’s the difference? There is none. Cutting, eating disorders, addictions, gambling, depression, anxiety… The girls and I are starting to talk about what it is that makes us all one and the same. People just have different ways of experiencing their vulnerability and dealing with those moments of panic and fear. The way we each experience it and deal with it has everything to do with things that have happened to us in the past when we have felt helpless and vulnerable. Are you someone who has been shown that the world is a safe place and that everything will turn out ok? Or are you someone who has been slapped in the face, humiliated, abused, and put down every time you tried and allowed yourself to believe?

Every animal has these weird and obscure ways of puffing themselves up and intimidating potential predators. Certain species of birds puff up their feathers, spread their wings and squawk. Cats round their backs. Porcupines, Skunks, Jelly Fish, Snapping Turtles, Poisonous Snakes… For many, there is a defense mechanism built into their biological make-up to ensure their survival. Humans are not much different. Our defense mechanisms exist within our emotional reactions, psychology, and nervous system. We fight, blame, justify, accuse, scare, intimidate, hide, deny, and more. For some of us, those defense mechanisms work. Over time, we are taught by those that we love to let down our guards and let go of the perception of threats in moments when the threat isn’t actually there. For others, the defense mechanisms haven’t served them well in times when they were most important. Some have learned that there is no way of protecting oneself and the only way to get through the pain and sense of helplessness is to cause self-harm before someone else inflicts the pain… at least that way, you’re the one in control.

If you wish to have a better understanding of what it is that motivates one to cause self-injury, become curious about their story and what vulnerability has felt like to them. If you wish to take a stand for what people are actually worth, connect with them on a human level and look beyond the behaviours that are meant to mask the beauty that may be so hard for them to embrace.

Join me in taking a stand for those who have been abused, bullied, and taught to think that they are not worthy of being loved.

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Last night, I had a very interesting and intellectually stimulating conversation with someone that involved a lot of debates about concepts in theology, religion, politics, psychology, philosophy, and more. It was the kind of conversation that left me thinking a lot about the truth-seeking nature of human behaviour. What is the truth about life? Is there a truth? Whose truth is true or is anything true at all? Here’s a little something I wrote last year for work and it always stimulates pretty interesting conversations with the youth I work with. It’s my version of deep thoughts and really, it’s just psychology 101. I think I actually prefer the Mighty Pythons message about the meaning of life.

Life starts with basic needs.

Like food,

affection,

nurturance,

and safety.

Then, things happen.

We live experiences.

We receive information.

The world and everyone around us, sends us messages.

About what we should be, do, feel, and think.

We form evaluations of all this incoming information.

We develop our own perceptions,

perspectives,

and interpretations.

From our experiences, we create and add meaning to things that simply happened.

We make judgements,

form opinions,

as we develop a set of beliefs

and morals.

We make sense of everything by placing the information in categories:

Good/ bad

Right/ wrong

Pretty/ ugly

As time progresses,

we develop insecurities.

These categories force us into boxes.

If we don’t feel that we fit in the boxes, we freak out.

Stress takes over.

Fear begins to limit us.

And not to mention shame.

We get easily consumed with worries that didn’t used to exist.

Sensitivities have us react in ways we don’t even understand.

And it all relates to a kind of self-consciousness that wasn’t there before.

We now have expectations of ourselves and others

because our needs have become complicated.

And the worst part is that all of these complications,

somehow lead to consequences.

Such as conflicts,

loss of control,

hurt feelings,

sense of failure,

frustration,

and discouragement.

What did we do to deserve this?

Life is now unfair.

If, on top of all of this, we let our ego get in the way,

it will seek protection from whatever it perceives to be a threat.

The ego values being right

and making others wrong.

So all of a sudden, we are spending our energy saving face

and making sure we look good,

instead of fostering the nurturance, safety, and love that seemed so simple.

We want to avoid rejection,

which equals pain.

But, we’ve already learned at this point, that life is hard.

Life takes work.

School,

family,

friends,

making decisions,

“Succeed”,

“Be happy”,

“Be good”,

“Help others”,

“Do right”.

“Control your emotions”,

“Express your emotions”,

“Be yourself”,

“Be like others”,

“Be free”,

“But be smart”,

“And make the right choices”.

With so much pressure and overwhelming messages,

it’s easier to make up our own rules.

Perhaps we rebel.

Or perhaps we comply, but resent.

Either way, in the end, we don’t feel happy.

We’re exhausted.

We’re moody.

And confused.

How do I cope?

How will I survive?

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Eventually, we may get told we have an attitude.

Or a problem.

Maybe even a disorder.

Or we get called names.

“Loser”

“Stupid”

“Lazy”

We’re essentially not good enough.

We feel punished,

humiliated,

or just plain angry.

So, we defend,

fight,

judge,

push away,

hide,

justify,

project,

accuse,

blame,

pretend,

deny,

cry,

scream,

throw a tantrum.

Because it feels like no one can possibly understand.

It’s easiest to forget about all of this and seek distractions.

Pleasure.

Party.

Live in the present moment.

Avoid responsibility.

Fall in love.

Take risks.

Take drugs.

Which all takes money.

But, we find a way.

Discover what life is worth living for.

Question everything.

Everyone.

Try new things.

Test boundaries.

Explore limits.

And see who will care enough to intervene;

To guide us,

To set those boundaries,

In a respectful way.

The good news is that we have the capacity to learn

that pain is a part of life,

just like pleasure.

Just like the weather,

feelings will come and go.

And for every experience that brings us suffering, there is an opportunity to grow.

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1. Scrunch up your face by drawing your eyebrows together and tightening your lips (imitate image on the left).

2. Any time you interact with someone, be skeptical and maintain a certain level of emotional distance.

3. When someone addresses you, pause before answering so that you can process your judgments and let it show that this is what you are doing. In other words, give the other person time to know you are judging and evaluating things in your head. This intimidates them.

4. Make a conscious effort to not laugh at yourself. Any kind of humour will ruin your serious intentions.

5. Complain. A lot and about everything. This will train your mind to see the negative that exists in everything.

6. When someone makes a bad joke, remain emotionless and expressionless and just stare at them… your non-expression will communicate that you aren’t impressionable. You’re like a tough crowd at a comedy show.

7. Cultivate anxiety by focusing your thoughts on worries about future events. You can even spend time meditating on this in a conscious way.

9. Set big, unrealistic goals of accomplishment for yourself and take on a lot of responsibility. Tell everyone about these big ambitions. If you fail to meet your goals and expectations, don’t leave your house because people will ask how things are going and you will feel humiliated as you cover up your failures.

10. Be really dramatic. Tell long-winded stories to re-enforce your interpretations of events and seek people’s approval of these interpretations. Ditch people who don’t buy into your drama because they probably just don’t get it.

I’m on a roll here. Feel free to add some to this mix. I recently received feedback that I take myself too seriously and that I can come across as very stern and intimidating. So, I figured I would ask around and investigate how consistent this experience is that people have of me. Those who know me well just laughed and said that they think my seriousness is hilarious. here are some of the exact comments: “haha. well, you do have a penetrating intensity. It’s not a negative intensity”, “haha, yes, I thought you hated me when I first met you”, “hahaha, people do think you’re very serious, but I think it’s so funny”, “hahaha, yes, but I think it’s just that you have this intense look when you are really focused”, “hahahahahahaha, it’s because of your face!”. My face? What am I supposed to do about my face?

Childhood memory: My parents used to laugh hysterically at me when I took myself too seriously. I would get really frustrated and yell at them “Stop laughing! I’m being serious!”. I was being serious! They would laugh harder and tell me to get a sense of humour. Eventually, I did but my face stays scrunched sometimes when I am focused. Apparently, that’s hilarious.

Top ten ways to take yourself really seriously aren’t very good yoga tips, but laughing at them and yourself might be. 🙂

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Every moment of every day presents us with opportunities to practice being present, speaking truth, listening, letting go, grounding, observing, paying attention to what is and what isn’t happening inside and all around us.

I am interested in all the beautiful complexities that make a person whole. I can only offer what I know. The rest I still have to learn.