Thursday, January 27, 2005

tough day in school today. note to self: two consecutive cans of coffee + period-induced emotionality = a high-strung state on the verge of a complete breakdown.

*shudders* never again. but i really did need the coffee, and oh geez it was just over-whelming. a lot of bad things are piling up, and im not sure. oh dear god. i'm trying to see things positively, and i keep telling myself to stop being so indulgent, but i truly am upset. distressed. i guess i'm just not a stoic rock, though i try to be. also, am not looking forward to bumping into my malay teacher tomorrow oh dear god no. it's also been confirmed that i'll be moving class; upset! think happy thoughts think happy thoughts think happy thoughts

pe was fun though. ran the outside route, it's cool. run, run downhill, run up the carpark slope, run, go up stairs, run. so much more interesting than running around the bloody track, i can't help but feeling like a brainless hamster when we do that. also, i surprised myself by being able to do the inclined with a considerable amount of less difficulty! wow. cj pe must really been doing me good. coolness at the end of my time there, i shall have the boday of giselle bundchen! okay, so maybe not as tall and uh, not so *cough* well-endowed.

but hey, i do realize that miracles don't happen!

stupid tag-board.
also, it troubles me that i have so little to say despite everything that's been going on hmm.

Friday, January 21, 2005

my real player has screwed up big time. it started when it suddenly shut down, and only to find out when i rebooted it that HALF OF MY LIBRARY HAD BEEN WIPED OUT.

or so i thought, in a moment of absolute wild panic, and uh, despair. it is TRUE! that would be 400++ songs, and is no joke. i suppose it would be karmic retribution for all my illegal downloading, but really, you can't expect me to buy ALL cds! i would, if they were cheaper. and honestly, i don't find value in purchasing music online; its..intangible in a sense. a good portion of pleasure derived from the cd for me id to paw through the cd booklet and how it looks good. SO. again, i have defended my stance on this illegal downloading of music shit.

after much much meddling, re-installing and re-scanning the hard drive for my music, everything is running smoothly (i hope). except that i uh, have tata young and other pop-punk trash in my database cuz the player scanned in my sister's songs too. but it is all right, she is 12 years old. she will be forgiven for her rather lacking taste in music, as i have tried to forgive myself. *shudders*

i think today's class dinner might just be the thing that will really bond our class together. we all had fun, laughed a lot, took part in the nonsensical chatter that so characterizes the people of our generation (sorry - too much GP). squeeeeeeezed into neoprint booths in awkward positions. i really am quite happy about how we're doing, i think any cracks have been more or less smoothened over.

however, i did learn today that i am of the few in class who do not shop in more upmarket retailers ie. mango and zara, whereas for them it's the norm. to cut it straight to the point, i just can't afford the stuff there. how unfair haha. it shall be all right, i shall maintain my role as Bargain Queen. i suppose it doesn't make much of a difference, i still look good. uhhhh, right?

bugger it. why are they so rich? annoying thing is that of course, i realize the irony that its not as if im poor. so my whining is absolutely unjustified.

i've been reading this awesome book: the picture of dorian gray, by oscar wilde. perhaps, one of the best books i've read in my LIFE (which is not much, i do realize). dorian gray, at the beginning of the book, is a man-boy of absolute purity and beauty - an innocence left unmarked by the harsh realities of life. naive, and petulant in a slightly bratty way but even then, endearing all the same. i cannot be bothered to go much into the plot, because the point i'm trying to make here is that the young dorian gray is the epitome of enthralling/inspiring beauty. an adonis, he's described.

but well. i cringe at the term 'adonis', it just reminds me of trashy romance novels hurhur.

the POINT here is, i had/have christened the object of my head-over-heels infatuation dorian gray. i don't know, but the moment i read oscar wilde's words describing him and his effect on people, it just seemed to fit perfectly. even though mine (oh the irony!) doesn't have blonde hair or blue eyes. he is dorian gray.

my friend however, warned me against my decision - it wasn't a decision really, it just fits. he is dorian gray. anyhoo! she's read the book and so, knew what was to happen the dorian gray: he would become a twisted warped cruel man. it's painful just thinking about how he got so..horrid. the book is that good.

she is of course, correct. what's uncanny is that the onset of the character's ruination began exactly at the same time as i suppose, became more hopeless of the entire situation. it's quite an interesting case, could the book have actually influenced my swinging moods about this dorian gray? it's all too possible i suppose, and only serves to make it even more darkly funny for me. the almost-euphoria that i used to feel when he was around has been replaced with the heavy feeling that he will never be mine. thinking about him doesn't make me happy and giggly (silly, i know) anymore, it just makes me feel quite morose - which i think is an even SILLIER way to behave. considering that he doesn't even know me.

so stupid.

today, oh today. it was probably the culmination of all resentment i feel towards that CHIJ girl. that biatch, his classmate who's always flirting with him, leaning forward with crossed legs and hitched skirt. biatch. and, though you might not believe me, even before the implication of dorian gray, i had NEVAH liked her - from the moment i saw her! i just bristle whenever i see her, don't ask me why; it's a inner-bitchy Girl Thing. and this morning, i was feeling quite miserable because i had finished reading the book on the bus to school and it is really that moving, i was standing with nadya at my class corridor when she nudged me:

"iz iz! 12 o'clock!"

and me, in my post-literature daze, was: "whaaaa'?"

he was at the quad(rangle) walking to his classroom, and yes that BIATCH was with him again! and staaange, what's he carrying? HER PINAFORE! (she was in pe attire, no idea why) and this fuming cloak of jealousy came over me! it was amazing, i had not felt so..alive for so long. it was so intense, so passionate; it really was quite enthralling and i'm not kidding, it left me with this kind of high. and so i stood there, gripping the railing and spluttering,

bitchthatBITCHbiaaaaaaatchTHATBITCH!.

why can't she carry her own bloody pinafore, it's not as if her hands were occupied! i hate pinafores. *sighs* but i'm not writing this post to bitch about that bitch (okay f-iiiine, partly). i was completely caught by surprise the sheer intensity of my jealousy. such a primal emotion, i would only be slightly exagerrating if i said it quite knocked me off me feet. it was a heady feeling, and ALL i could feel was that jealousy - the other facets of my pysche disappeared. it was a single-minded affair, and there and then, that was all i was. jealousy. an extreme simplification of being, all complexities eradicated. how strange, and enthralling and liberating! ironic though to call it liberating, when that sheer emotion controlled me.

passion is a dangerous thing, i think.

after which i went into class, eyes wide with much distress and cried out to my friends who were in the loop, "i am upset!". what an understatement. they were nice, and very sympathetic. not to worry though, i'm not dangerous; the emotion soon left. was still quite morose though, until pe. (which was fun YAY circuit training!) then on the way back, climbing up the stairs, i saw the sky -and they have really beautiful ones at cjc, i do not know why- and thought of him. oh dear god, i shall live to cringe at this sentimentality. but it's true, and today, i'm feeling brutal enough to expose the nitty-gritty details i usually leave unmentioned.

i really do think he's beautiful, and i AM completely aware that it's only my infatuation that has heightened everything he is to reach almost-perfection. that under a clear mind, i would not think him so almost-perfect. he is though, to me at the least. he is dorian gray.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

oh oh procrastinating!

i think i shall be joining debate + editorial, and will just consider drama. thinking about it now, maybe i'm not that into drama anyway. and i think that if all goes well, i shall be staying at cjc. and hazri, i am actually having fun here, kind of. and a major part of that is the fact that i am an Uber-Geek here. i'm the one who religiously reads and makes notes on her lecture uh, notes before the lecture itself. the one when faced with a loong 3 hour break and a satiated stomach heads to the library to browse through the econs tomes or more happily, the king lear.

another thing.

here, the teachers are actually under the impression that i am fairly bright and that i am a Good Student. i Participate, and am Enthusiastic. its honestly a nice change from the last four years in bp where you know, they thought me some lazy aimless kid. cue memory of my first lesson with grace brocolli chong, sending me out of CME class. she said, "you speak english surprisingly well." oh wow, thank you very much for the compliment! i know that heeey, i look like an aimless epitome iof mediocrity, the anti-model student, but guess whaaaat - SURPRISE!

biyatch. yes i hold grudges. you have been forewarned everybody.

and also suzie, a few weeks after she flunked me: "you do have the potential for an A1, you're really quite talented". uh huh.

but i shall move on, somehow. sadly though, i am about to grouse some more about something that happened yesterday. the mldds was holding this meeting after school as a..mixer for all the malay kids at cj since you know, in their words, its a small community and we should know each other. but also, it's because its 'compulsory' to be a member of the mldds in jc - a compensation for them i suppose for the single year of malay lessons. anyway, the problem was that not including the social awkwardity/discomfort, i had the editorial meeting to go to. so i don't think anybody who actually turned up, really wanted to be there; which is normal, BUT. the rest of them were whining and complaining and whining oh gawd it was so irritating, and not to mention, RUDE. especially this IJ girl, shikin. she concocted this uber-lame excuse about how her cat omg, died and cikgu have some sympathy lah, i have to go. at first, i thought she was just kidding around but NO SHE WAS SERIOUS. she actually went on with this stupid ploy, and didn't even have the decency to act properly. it was such an insult to the teacher's intelligence!

and afterwards after the whole (rather sad) shindig was over, they were complaaaaining SO MUCH. about they were "forced to be cooped up" in there etc etc. it really must be a different environment in there at chij, to have no uh, compassion for those who have put in effort to try make it work. so pissed with them.

also, am sad because i dropped my brand-new shiny and cold metal mechanical pencil during the econs lecture and its now spoiled. *sigh*

on a slightly brighter note, i will be taking the 0628 985 bus tomorrow. 'he' will most likely be there, so cute him. i don't know why i always allow myself into these unrequited pining things; so unproductive. but really lah, he's so cute. and he's in my econs lecture. like i've said before, i wishi could say something more about him, but all i know is that maaan, he's cute. beautifulnose lusciouseyelashes hazeleyes greatsmile. i am a failed stalker though, he has caught me watching him quite a number of times, damn! i'm pretty sure he knows me as 'the girl i see on the morning bus nearly every day; maan she freaks me out'. *SIGHS*

and i think i've managed to reduce my image on this blog from decently intelligent to one of a typical slightly swooning, possibly moony, hormonal adolescent girl.

aaaaand, i managed to confirm that i DID pass by taufik at the city hall underpass uh-huh yes the day i bumped into hidayah and met up with charmaine. i /thought/ it was him, but reasoned that he wouldn't take the MRT ESPECIALLY since he was on 'official' business (was with a lady with a make-up bag), AND that if it was him -surely he'd be swamped by swooning die-hard fans.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

hmm.

i don't have much to say now, because i just ranted the bit in an e-mail, and will feel silly repeating what i wrote here as well. SO.

life pae-ing in cjc.

bus rides are rather hell-ish these past few days even though we manage to get seats on the 985 because it has been RAINING. and very badly today, which means that my legs felt like frozen popsicles and i know this because when i going up and down the overhead bridge, they felt definitely heftier and more solid than usual.

what else is there for me to say other than the fact that i reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally miss our wuzhong lot, and today's mega-bonding session at kallang just brought it harshly home. you know me, delayed reaction.

the class is nice, its teensy though. but being tiny, that means you HAVE to bond with all of them, and i don't think i 'click' very well. sometimes, well actually a lot of times, the conversation lapses into silence and i cannot or be bothered to try resuscitate it. its just so tiring. i'm not used to things like that after two years of smooth sailing.

i suppose i could take this as a challenge. i suppose.

also, i think i need to be smarter. and yes, i have realized that i am relapsing into my 'i want to be brilliant' rant so thankfully for you, i will stop here and direct you to my archives.

on a more positive note, i am resetting my Bar of Expectations. i used to have really high expectations of myself and along the years in secondary school, that bar consistently lowered to accomadate my uh, apparent incompetency. but now that i belong to a junior college with a really nice dri-fit clothed pe shirt, i shall wipe the slate clean! the bar is up, even higher than its original position. i will have STRAIGHT As, i will WIN those funny awards and i WILL get into jcCAP, and i WILL be actively involved in my ccas and get lots and lots of points.

I WILL BE AN OVER-ACHIEVER.

i think i'll be joining drama.debate.reading+writingsociety. except now the latter is called the Editorial, but i've always wanted to write for the school newspaper, and think i would do a fairly decent job considering the complete inexperience. i think my motto from now on shall be what i lack in aptitude, i make up with enthusiasm! cue: big beam.

things will be all right. soon, i shall convince myself that it is so and all will be right with the world since you know that it like, revolves around me.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

geez im hungry.

no wonder. what i ate today: a 'honey chicken' pau + one siew mai + half a small guava.

all right, what shall i eat? having popped into the kitchen, i shall lay out my choices here in this blog for all you bored readers while my stomach grumbles with much persistence and increasing pain. i can have:
- the clear chicken soup that my mum made, with bread
- toasted bread with LOTS of butter *yum*
- instant noodles erlack
- egg omelette consisting of eggs+chickenstockgranules+adashofsesemeseedoil

i think i shall have all. oh the greed, the GREED - my insatiable hunger.

maan, i love sounding melodramatic over the most mundane things. and well yes, the reverse for i suppose, the more impactful things in life. i don't know why.

i would blog about the 406 chalet, but really its all this one whole blurrr of consecutive fun-osity, bonding and amoosing weird moments. so, for a rather condensed (and obviously not my perspective of things) visit yu zhen at www.whateverrr.blogspot.com because she is an assiduous blogger! unlike me. do not worry though, knowing me, i will dredge up things that happened in future entries due to my lurf of irrelevence, and lack of things to say.

which is a worrying thing. it is true, i am finding myself with less and less things to say. shit i should have rationed out my Interesting Material to Talk About. at the rate im going, i will be a silent mute by the time i am *gasp* 17! or even worse, i will be a rambling hollow vessel flibbertigibbet. oh dear gawd, shoot me please.

even more more worrying is that i think that the above is linked with my disappearing sense of humour. it has occured to me that i don't seem to make people laugh much anymore, nor do i find a lot of things amoosing. chaaaaarmaine assured me that no it is simply my "sense of humour drying up" -ohahaha actually that is quite a good one-, but nevertheless i do not feel the manic energy that used to urge me to do absolutely funnily senseless things. i am sad. i might be growing up, quickquickfindmeNeverneverLand!