On The Couch: The Drunken Stepfather Interview

Today we’re joined by internet celebrity and multiple psychological affliction sufferer Jesus Martinez, author of DrunkenStepfather.com. Despite struggling with alcoholism, impotence, self-loathing, an unsatisfying marriage, stepfatherhood and obesity, Jesus has carved out a successful niche for himself as a Mexican blogger located in Montreal, Canada. His areas of expertise include boozing, sex and the bashing of our beloved celebrities who are constantly making asses of themselves as they parade the streets living their frivolous existence. As many of you know full-time blogging is time-intensive so we’re grateful to have him with us today. I suspect he is drunk right now given his extremely comprehensive answers but having had a stepfather myself I can see why intoxication would be a daily part of any stepdad’s regimen. Believe me I was a nightmare to live with.For those who are not familiar with your work, could you elaborate on the psychological phenomenon that is celebrity gossip?
People are clearly miserable in their lives and enjoy experiencing the flaws, failures and human weaknesses of celebrities because celebrities are made out to be the end all be all of success, glamour and luxury. I guess it makes them feel better about their useless existence. It’s one of those kick the motherfucker off their high horse then kick them while they are down and find pleasure in it. I’m not the doctor here, you probably have a much better take on this, but I know people are into it and I’m into being an asshole so it kinda all works out. The truth is that I am not really a gossip site but more a skin site. I usually focus on female celebrities who everyone likes to shit on even though they are substantially better looking than their wives, girlfriends or pretty much anyone they’ve ever banged. I guess it’s the same kind of resentment guys have for the high school cheerleader in their class, they all want to fuck her but she won’t fuck them so instead they either laugh at their misery or do something worse that you’d see on an episode of CSI, but I’m not into morbid shit or physical pain to others so I’ll leave it at that.

Yes, leaving it at that sounds like a good idea. Jesus, you’ve written extensively about your difficulties as a husband, stepfather and Canadian. Are you currently seeking treatment for any of these afflictions?
You know what, I went to court ordered therapy once. It was kinda fun but that’s just because I like fucking with people, so I’d lie to the guy and get prescriptions to meds I didn’t need but had fun taking. In recent years I joined some group therapy shit for material, I guess I kinda ripped off the idea from fight club but met a lot of weird fuckers. I also did some cognitive therapy where you learn breathing exercises because I stopped drinking and suffered from severe panic attacks and was prescribed some shitty anti- depressant that I didn’t want to get caught up in. It was one of those take daily so that you can stomach your shitty job, shitty wife and lose all sense of your individuality, neurosis and creativity. I wasn’t down for that but I wasn’t down with panic attacks either. My psychologist was fresh out of school, probably 24 and I’d just tell him drinking stories, sex stories and all that good stuff, which wasn’t the nature of the session. He’d always get me to shut up and pretend I was on the beach and stuff. I considered him to be my only friend at the time, but he never sent me a birthday card, so I pretty much wrote him off. That said, I am back on the bottle and it’s been a good time, probably not so good to my liver but who needs a liver when you’re dead…right?Oh definitely, a liver is useless at that point. And since we don’t have a professional relationship I will send you an e-card this year. Now, you’ve made it clear that you would like to have sexual intercourse with many of the celebrities you write about. This desire is in spite of the obvious adulterous implications as well as your self-reportedly rampant impotence. That being said, who is at the top of Jesus’ “To Do” List?
I think it’s one of those want what you can’t have situations. Historically, I had lots of sex with lots of girls all of whom were probably 6’s on my scale which is more like a 2 or 3 to the rest of the world. I am talking fat and disgusting or skinny and disgusting, addicts, vagrants, homeless chicks, drunk and horny girls. I’ve pretty much been there and done and it’s left me scarred. Not nearly as scarred as marriage. I’ve cheated on my wife, at least I did in the beginning before she put an end to that, so the last couple years I’ve been stuck with her. My wife isn’t attractive and no matter how horny I get, my penis just doesn’t want anything to do with it. Sometimes I get boners and cherish the moment, but for the most part, bitch has turned me asexual. The good news is that I still like hot chicks and I’d fuck every single girl ever posted on my site. Even this nasty amateur chick who covered herself in blood. I have no standards. On “To Do” list, I’d have to start with the girls with the most money and lowest self esteem. K-Fed is kind of a hero and has a great retirement plan so I’d try to get up on that. I’d say someone like Lohan or even Britney would be a good start, but they are all therapied out and working on killing their inner demons. Maybe the best angle would be to go with someone older trying to reclaim her youth or some shit. The reality is I will never meet any of these girls and fantasies of fucking celebrities are for weirdos who have seen all their movies, cut out all their magazine spreads and staple pictures of them on their pillow to make fucking their rubber vaginas more realistic. Lusting after anything just isn’t my style.I’d like to get up on that too, K-Fed is a pioneer that way. What therapeutic gains have you made from your writing about celebrities? Is your art simply cathartic or is there a deeper meaning that the mental health community and my readers should know about?
I think the best form of therapy is to write down your thoughts, if you are angry let it out, if you are depressed let it out, writing is my release and I get all this shit I was bottling up out there, whether it is worth reading or not is questionable, but the fact that I may never run out of things to write, even in times I feel like shutting myself out and not talking to anyone, is really the cure to a lot of things. I am repetitive, probably boring to read, but it’s definitely my therapy.
What isn’t my therapy is actually running the site, trying to get content first in hopes of getting traffic, the constant rejection I get because I am labeled a porn site, the lack of money I make when I put a lot of me into something is all downers. That doesn’t even touch on technical issues, hackers, the asshole who stole my computer.
Writing a blog is a self involved thing, and sometimes being too into yourself isn’t a good thing, you lose your grasp on reality. Sometimes death threats make you paranoid, hate mail makes you feel inadequate, declines in traffic make you feel like you’re time’s up, but I got nothing better to do and in recent months don’t let it bother me because it’s a waste of time and because I am the first to say that what I write doesn’t matter, if you like it that’s good, if you hate it that’s ok too, we’re all people here and separating myself from a virtual world has made me appreciate what I do more than consider it a curse.
That’s how I feel today anyway, my feelings about it are constantly changing depending on what’s going on, but lately I don’t feel really bothered by the negativity, I don’t feel really pressured about getting out there when I used to let it really get to me, even though I project negativity. I guess I am a hypocrite.You’ve stalked and/or met extremely famous people like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and now me. Who have been most worth the hassle?
Paris Hilton is the only one who played back a little bit, I guess because she wasn’t busy having premarital unprotected sex the days I hit her up. She’s all about getting herself out there and I can’t imagine her taking herself seriously since no one else does. She is always on “tour” or whatever you call what she does, she always meets new people and gets involved in all kinds of projects so she is pretty accessible. I was given her phone number, I’d call her, we’d talk for 5 minutes or less, she had no idea who I was but had the decency to be friendly. Once she left the phone on and we heard a whole conversation ripping into Lohan about having herpes and not telling people and about how Nicole and that Good Charlotte Gaylord should have a baby before they were publicly an item all while she was smoking a joint. It was golden blogging moment. I didn’t get shit out of having her number and it was later released to the public forcing her to change it, so it never really amounted to much for me other than a funny story to tell 16 year old girls at Starbucks. That shit impresses them.
Nicole Richie was another number I had and she was a total cunt to deal with. I hung out with her once accidentally and tried to steal her phone, she wasn’t a fan but was chain smoking the whole time while I drank the free booze.
I haven’t really stalked as hard as I’d like to, I haven’t really interacted with these people and I am ok with that, I have little interest, but if it falls in my lap they are all been worth the energy or hassle for the sake of personal entertainment. I just get off on the accessibility of these people you grow up thinking are untouchable.While there are other celebrity gossip sites available on the internet none bring it with the intensity and self-loathing that is DrunkenStepfather.com. Do you attribute your success to low self-esteem?
It’s a tough call. I am a personality that people who read my site can relate to. How can you hate on a guy who calls himself a pig before calling a celebrity one. I guess people like that I am honest, or myself in my writing, I don’t really hold back or censor myself. They may also like that I tie things into my day or my life. I started this site as a personal blog to throw up my personal experiences and shit I see or find online, it just ended up being celebrity heavy because that’s what people are interested in. So it’s my way to get a couple eyeballs and throw in my 2 cents the way I want to.
Is the site a success because I have low self-esteem and a negative body image, possibly, but it probably would have worked if I was an ego talking about how great I am or how much better I am than whoever I am writing about. I think people like to look into someone’s life a little bit, they feel like they know you and they respect you more that way, even when they don’t agree with what you say.
My site is hardly a success and my low self-esteem doesn’t override my confidence in my own voice or opinion. So I am like a guy who hates himself, doesn’t think what I say is all that important to the world, or interesting to read but still puts it out there. Most people with low self esteem lack the drive to put themselves out there everyday, so I don’t know if what I have is low self esteem or just self hatred. I don’t even know if it’s the same thing…You’re the doctor, you tell me.This is not the appropriate forum for psychological intervention so please book an appointment after this interview. I will say however that your depth of insight is impressive. Now there are a number of aspiring actors who read ShrinkTalk.Net. Should they become famous, what should they do to avoid being lambasted on DrunkenStepfather.com?
I think acting is the biggest joke of a career. I feel like it’s a right place, right time, right look kind of thing. I am convinced I could win an Oscar even though I have no acting background or interest if the roll called for a Fat Mexican drunk. Actors try to make their careers seem important because I guess no one likes to admit they are a joke, or pursuing a joke of a career, and the compensation is so high that it’s hard to grasp that it’s a joke of a career, but it is and no one is safe from being featured on my site. I have an opinion about everything so I could talk about my couch for 4 days and that fucker doesn’t talk back, say stupid shit or do stupid shit. Give me the pictures and I’ll do it right now.(Mental Note: Remove all photos of self from the internet, especially that “Psychologists Gone Wild” video. Man I’d like to forget that day.) I’m not sure you remember, but when we first spoke, you were drunk to the point of slurring your words. Have you attended the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings that I recommended for you last week?
Yeah, I just go for the pussy. Drunk girls are easy, drunk girls with alcohol problems that they are trying to get over are easier, you just have to lure them back to your place and pretend that you’ve found a bottle of wine lying around, make them think you are being bad with them and falling off the wagon too, that way it’ll be easier for them to break their vow of sobriety and next thing you know you have a drunk girl who thinks she’s been bad on your hands. Either she’ll break down in tears or she’ll fuck you, I usually try to keep the breakdowns until after I bang a chick, it’s kinda usually how it goes when they realize what they’ve done and how low they’ve stooped.
The thing I hate about AA is how they turn it into a God thing and how your future is late nights in coffee shops drinking tons of coffee and smoking packs upon packs of cigarettes talking about the good days when you used to drink with other addicts, because quitting drinking doesn’t make anyone happy and is a lot more depressing than drinking your life away….Well now that all of my substance-addicted readers are off the wagon, let’s wrap it up. Assuming you don’t die prematurely of liver toxicity, what is next for Jesus Martinez?
I have a feeling that I will probably die young, but my friend told me that God doesn’t kill people like me off, he likes to watch us squirm in misery through all the trials and tribulations life shits on us. I am having issues with the site now because the paparazzi want to shut me down , but feel like I am not really going anywhere. I’d write a book but it would suck, I’d write a movie but I am not good at telling stories so I guess I am stuck to the internet, it seems to be the only place a talentless fuck can get girls sending in videos of them playing with their tits and that’s pretty much the only reason I started the site.
Thanks for the talk doctor, sorry I can’t pay you for this session, I am kinda broke as fuck.
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Other Interviews with Dr. Rob. The Mind of Male Chauvinism

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 at 1:36 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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haha that was quality. I’ve never heard of this site but time to check it out.
It reminded me of one time when I was younger and my dad pulled a bird from AA and she was a total bunny boiler. His mate later spilled the beans that she wanted a double team, father and son style. Not keen.

Yeah, I agree, you’re better than this- I enjoy the regular column. You are more interesting than any of the people that you’ve interviewed so far- stick to what you do best, and leave these losers to their pathetic lives.

Regardless of what he does and how he treats his body, this was a good insight. I think this sight is keeping the course well with insights into the mind with a chocolate humor frosting.
Good read. I enjoyed this one much more than the MenAreBetterThanWomen guy. At least this one was truthful.

i think jesus’ humor is lost upon the ‘you’re better than this’ crowd. i’m a big fan of drunkenstepfather.com and i have to say i’m a bit surprised at how the interview read. it’s weird to see jesus write with any degree of seriousness and i think i like him better now–like he obviously has respect for dr. rob, which is not only cool but also underscores the validity of all the shit-talking he does. he dishes it out where it’s deserved and he does it with style….
anyway keep up the good work dr. rob. you’re awesome.

I agree that your writing about your own experiences is more interesting than your interviews. It seems that readers need to have some familiarity with the people you’re interviewing to get the humor, at least in this case. I am not familiar with this guy and can’t even read his site as it’s blocked as porn by my work.

Hmm, I believe you take the topic of drinking too lightly. I am aware that the interview is with the drunken stepfather, but still… Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this blog entry and I think it’s hilarious, but it just gave me that impression.

oh Jesus- you’re a sorry sad excuse of a human being. You attack Los Angeles socialites/models/anything attractive female form for using their bodies to get ahead while at the same time shaming and subverting them to your perverse fantasies of domination. You’re a sad little fuck who thinks that if you own that you are on overweight socially inept coward the rest of society owes you an apology. Here’s the thing…
No one gives a FUCK who you want to bang, what your “forecast” is of a model’s future or why you think they do what they do.
People visit your website due to content that you obviously pay for or have to credit from other sources. just stop – you’r self depreciating rants read as a desperate stab at being relevant.
Let me summarize- please go live out your fantasy of being the man that fucks Bella Thorn while flipping off Kate Upton while also wanting to hate fuck the Hadid sisters- because you are just so special.
oh wait?? that fantasy didn’t play out?? what a shame