11 Tips for Good Communication in a Relationship

Good communication is a vital ingredient for every type of interpersonal relationship we have. It allows us to create and maintain healthy relationships, especially with your spouse/partner. Have you ever been frustrated with your partner because they don’t do something you expect them to do, only to realize you never actually asked them to do it or discussed it with them? No? Only me? This can become a bigger issue the more in sync you get with your partner as it becomes easier to assume they know exactly what you are thinking or what you mean by your words. In reality, they may get an entirely different message than what you intended.

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. This issue regularly rears
its ugly head in all marriages and intercultural relationships (especially when
English is not your partner’s native language). To be honest, Abhi and I still
struggle with communication from time to time, despite being together for 9+
years. No matter how long you have been together, it is important to
intentionally use methods that foster good communication. We have compiled a
list of 11 tips for good communication that we use to help us get back on
track.

1.
Make Sure You’re Really Listening

So many times when we start discussing with our partner we get so focused on the next point that we are going to bring up that we fail to concentrate on what our partner is actually saying. We get so caught up in our own head that we don’t even realize we are doing this. Next time you are talking with your partner, try your best to fully clear your mind and hear what your partner is saying. If you truly have too much going on then be open and honest with your partner that now is not the best time to talk as you cannot give them your best and set a time to talk later.

Getting rid of distractions can also help make sure you are
really listening. Put the phones away, turn off the tv, set the kids up with
another activity and minimize anything that may pull your thoughts away from what
your partner is saying. This is a two-way street. If you are both able to
reduce distractions, then you can have a more productive discussion with one
another.

2.
Communicate with Love and Respect

In a relationship there are many topics that may engender
heated and passionate feelings (money, dealing with other family members,
etc.). Having a productive conversation on such topics requires communication
that is done with both love and respect. Name calling or speaking in a
demeaning manner is never good communication. This means being aware of what is
motivating you to say what you are saying to your partner. Good communication
requires speaking from a position that is supportive and understanding.
Speaking from resentment, frustration, or anger will only lead to a negative
conversation. You don’t want to break down or belittle your partner.

Communicating with love and respect does not mean ignoring
these very real emotions, but instead focuses on how you can get back to
understanding and support in the conversation. This means, even if you are
feeling these negative emotions, try your best to not yell at your partner,
keeping an environment of respect and calm that you can both maintain. If this can’t be done, then take a step back
and revisit the issue when you are able to discuss with love and respect.

3.
Get Perspective

When we have an issue, it can seem like the biggest thing in
the world. Reality check- what we often think is really important other people
do not. One thing to stop and ask yourself is if it really is a big deal. Is
the issue going to have a major impact on your life in 5 to 10 years? If not,
is it something you should just let go? Pick your battles

Still too difficult? Think about it from your partner’s
perspective. Are you nagging? Could it be that they did not hear you or did not
understand how important it was to you? Or maybe your partner felt that there
was something more important on their list of priorities? Empathy is a key component to good
communication. Try your best to put yourself in their shoes and see the issue
from their perspective. Then discuss calmly with them and establish how to
communicate when something is truly important to both of you.

4.
Cool Off & Check Your Attitude

Girl, I get it. Sometimes your partner can be SO frustrating
and just get under your skin like anything. First things first, take a step
back and cool off. Taking some time to reflect on the issue or situation can
help put things in perspective and prevent things from being said that we wish
we could take back. Secondly, if you go into a conversation with high emotions
and the wrong mindset, the conversation is NOT going to be productive.

You should be able to communicate with your spouse with your
walls down. Going into a conversation with an aggressive or affronted attitude
will only lead your partner to put up their walls and the conversation will
essentially go nowhere (at least not anywhere good). Take a walk, take a
shower, go to the other room, put on some headphones and music. Just get
yourself into the mindset needed to have a useful conversation with your
partner so that the best outcomes can be realized.

5.
Communication Tools

Sometimes we just can’t communicate our feelings. I know
personally when I am trying to talk to Abhi about something emotional I just
feel all jumbled up and unable to get my points across in a manner that allows
me to feel understood. In such times I often turn to good old letter writing or
emailing. Using these different communication tools allows me to sort out my
thoughts and convey my points clearly. This is also helpful when I’m annoyed
about something or mad, as it gives me the time to cool off and keeps me from
saying something I may later regret.

Letter writing and email aren’t the only communication tools
to be used. Maybe you would be able to better communicate with your spouse on
certain topics with tools such as instant messaging, text messaging, drawings,
or analogies. Communication does not only have to be words spoken to one
another. Make use of the tools available to you so that you both understand the
issue and points can be clearly made.

6.
Get Clarification

One of the easiest ways to work towards good communication
with your spouse is to simply get clarification during your discussions. Ask
your spouse if they understand the point you are making or why the issue is
important to you. At the same time, I
encourage you both to ask each other questions to better understand the points
of the discussion. If something is unclear or you don’t follow, ask your
partner to further explain or repeat the point. This helps eliminate
misunderstandings and makes sure you are both on the same page at the end of a
discussion.

7.
Think about How You Say It

We can say a lot without actually saying anything at all. Be
conscious of your body language. Are you
discussing with your arms crossed? This physically shows that you have barriers
up or that you feel the need to protect yourself. Are you sending a message
with your actions? Are you banging things, slamming doors, or generally acting
in a rougher manner than you normally do? If your actions cannot convey love
and understanding, it may be advised to take a break until you calm down.

Want to know the fastest way to make someone defensive and
to make them stop listening to you? Start accusing them of something. This is
another thing that falls under thinking how you say it. The use of “I”
statements are much more productive than accusing your partner of doing
something, or implying that they are guilty of something. Example: Instead of
saying “You never pick up after yourself,” replace it with “I feel
unappreciated for my contributions of keeping our space neat and tidy and it
would mean a lot if we made a greater effort to share this
responsibility.”Using “I” statements won’t magically fix your communication,
but it will help in starting a discussion that is productive and doesn’t lead
to feeling attacked by your partner.

8.
Schedule Time Together Regularly

Don’t let life get in the way. Just as you made the time to
date each other when you first met, make the time to continue getting to know
one another and to spend time with each other. Many people suggest having a
date night once a week or once a month without the kids. For us, that’s
unrealistic. Instead, we have scheduled time with each other each morning. Each
morning before the kids are up we discuss whatever issues need to be discussed
that day and then spend time going over the newspaper headlines together. This
allows us to see which stories interest each other and we can discuss. It’s
just a quick little practice (maybe 15-20 min) but it just gives us a little
bit of time to reconnect with one another. Every couple is different. Maybe
date night is right for you, or maybe there is some other activity that you
enjoy doing together. Whatever it may be, make sure you connect with your
partner regularly to keep the good communication channels open so that you can
easily discuss issues as they arise.

9.
Be Direct with One Another

Let me get something out of the way–no one is a mind
reader. In any marriage you should be able to open and honest with your
partner. Expecting your partner to magically know what you need will only lead
to disappointment. Speaking directly means you say what you think and feel.
This is a two-way street. Just as you should be direct with your partner they
should also be direct with you. This means no
hidden messages.

Do not say everything is “fine” when it is not. This may be
more difficult for some as a result of the culture in which they were raised.
To overcome this, maintain a calm, comfortable environment when talking and
encourage each other to freely speak your mind. Also, make sure to avoid mixed
messages. Try to avoid saying one thing and expressing something else
non-verbally.

Being direct with one another is also especially important
in multicultural relationships. Be direct with your partner about family
expectations and such so your partner knows what to expect and how to act. If
you are not direct with your partner about these expectations they may end up
being unknowingly offensive, which may have an impact on their relationship
with your family. Be direct and avoid this.

10.Patience is Key

Patience is a virtue. It is a skill that must be cultivated.
Impatience leads to frustration, which in turn hinders our ability to be able
to converse productively. However, when we practice patience we are able to
stay in control of our feelings, make better decisions, and nurture a closer
relationship and understanding with our partner. We are also more optimistic
and courageous when we practice patience. Patience can be especially important
when partners hail from different cultures or where a partner’s first language
is different from our own. I know without patience Abhi and I would have had
way more disagreements throughout our relationship. Practice patience in your
communication not only with your partner, but with everyone around you.

11.Be Open to “Do Overs”

This is a practice that I do with my kids and is applicable to relationships as well. Be willing to have a “do over.” We use this practice when we are having an especially difficult day. I have a chat with my kids and we agree to have a “do over.” This allows you to reset the day and move forward in a positive direction. Approach communication with your spouse with grace. Allow each other to re-phrase things, further clarify and even re-address entire conversations. Maybe you have had an exceptionally bad day at work and have taken it out on your spouse. Don’t be afraid to ask for a “do over.” Explain to your spouse why you would like to reset the conversation and then have a productive conversation on the issue if it still needs to be addressed. If your partner is not ready for a “do over” respect that and let them know that you would like one and that you are ready when they are to have the conversation again.

Don’t Forget…

Strong relationships take both commitment and hard work. Communication is just one of the tools in our relationship toolbox that needs to be sharpened from time to time. Some of us are naturally good communicators while others of us need some work. Good communication will not happen overnight. It is going to take time, patience, and practice to change the quality of communication in your relationship. The next time you find a communication gap with your partner keep these tips in mind and intentionally work on building this skill together. It’s like watering a plant—a little bit of effort will allow your relationship to flourish and grow. What are your thoughts? Has communication been a problem in your relationship? What did you do about it? Let us know in the comments below.

You’ve included great tips within this post. I feel that every relationship could continuously benefit because even though I know how I am supposed to communicate doesnt mean i occasionally wont ignore that fact and tell or play the silent treatment game

This is a really important post. Communication and listening is really important. I do find myself needing to check my attitude sometimes though depending on the situation or conversation! Something I can definitely improve upon for sure.

Yes, communication is so important, especially listening. Many people tend to not listen or they let their own personal biases “fill in the blanks”. Just need to find the right mate who knows how to listen.

Listening is a really crucial part. Sometimes, this is my problem because I easily get distracted. So I have to focus on what my loved ones are saying to me, especially if they are just relating something to me,

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment

Name *

Email *

Website

About Me

Hi guys, I’m Jessica—a mother of 2, wife of a pretty great guy, a lover, a homeschooler, a freelancer, a travel enthusiast and a wannabe vegan (let’s face it sometimes we fail). My multicultural family has given me a unique lens to view the world through. This blog is a manifestation of my thoughts and experiences of being a freedom based family and raising a family across cultures. We are all unique, yet love is universal so take the time to experience it. Love and live fully.

Categories

Get in Touch!

Interested in writing a guest post? Have an opportunity you think we'd be interested in? Any topics you want to know more about? Anything you simply want to share? We'd love to hear from you, please contact us!