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90210 recap: Confession time

"Look Ma, no dignity!

As much as this episode of 90210 adhered to the show's pattern of incessant, blindingly fast drama, there was a definite trend that we noticed throughout the hour. We just did a word count -- the word "confront" was used six times in our notes. For a school full of secretive schemers, that's a lot of confrontation. And, instead of evasive maneuvering on the part of the confronted, straight up confessions ensued. This must be bizarro Beverly Hills.

Ivy, Dixon, Oscar and Laurel
We open on our West Bev rats with Ivy waking up next to Oscar, clearly uncomfortable with her decision. No sooner is she pseudo-clad, when Laurel knocks on the door saying Dixon is there to visit. Dix confesses the truth about Sasha and says he wants Ivy back, but Ivy needs time to think -- about her regretfully tossed-away virginity, probably. Has anyone else noticed that losing one's virginity is hardly ever a good thing on this program?

Feeling confused, Ivy tells her mother what she did, to which Laurel reacts by threatening Oscar and kicking him out of the house. But Oscar isn't done with this little family of two. He tells the girls that he's been sleeping with both of them, much to Ivy's distress. She calls her mother a very nasty word which one should never call mothers and drives off sobbing into the night. And Laurel's not feeling too great about things, either.

Later, we get a glimpse of Ivy still sobbing, which is making us feel very comfortable astride our high horse, because we are mad. We now have two shows (this and Gossip Girl) sending a veiled message that losing one's virginity can only end in destruction and pain and that girls can't be trusted to give it away to someone worthwhile. They'll sleep with someone at the drop of a hat if they're feeling vulnerable enough, which someone almost always does on these shows. Can we have some more characters going through this very important experience with a little self-worth, please? Not asking that much.

Liam and Laura
Liam is still foolishly leading Laura on to annoy Annie, while at the same time trying to procure a job. He manages to find one that is "something like" modeling and, in our opinion, is more like a Chippendale's dancing gig. The poor pretty boy is forced to stand shirtless in the window of a clothes store and help the customers inside...still shirtless, which is ironic because they sell shirt there. And he's constantly getting cologne sprayed in his face. And he's greased up. Side note: Won't that grease stain the clothes?

After getting groped more than your average Hooters waitress by the horny, dangerous creature known as the pre-teen girl, Liam gets discovered in his new position by Laura, who says she wants to help him. Liam doesn't want Laura's help, or anything to do with her at all, so he continues to stick it out at Pieces of Meat 'R Us.

Finally a woman comes in shopping for her daughter and offers Liam a job as her family's errand boy. When she finds out Liam is living in his car she offers him their pool house, which Liam gladly jumps on. But once he's started unpacking he makes a creepy discovery. The woman is actually Laura's mom and Laura asked her to help Liam as a favor. And we're back to clingy, stalkerific plot lines. Great.

Annie and Charlie
Annie is liking Charlie more and more with his excellent French and love of Muppet films. But when she goes to see a reading of his play (without his knowledge, of course) she finds that his work is nothing short of twisted. Worried that she might be dating another unbalanced headcase, she starts to distance herself -- until she sees Charlie handle a belligerent party-goer with calm and finesse. She admits to Charlie that she saw his play and she had been a little freaked out, but Charlie is flattered that she was so interested in his work. We'd think this was adorable if we weren't still retching from Annie's attempts at French.

Naomi, Jen and Matthews
Using a photo on his phone of the adorable Jacques/Jack, Matthews manages to lure Naomi over to the house to see her nephew with Silver tagging along. Jen is less than happy to see her sister and proceeds to tear apart her gifted Teddy bear looking for a sting-operation nanny-cam. However, after her new assistant Debbie tells her to "stop being a bitch," she lets Naomi and Silver upstairs to pay the little tyke a visit. When Debbie leaves the room to get a bottle, Naomi and Silver start talking about Cannon again -- with Jen listening in on the baby monitor.

Jen immediately confronts Naomi about the rape and says she wants to help nail this guy to the wall, but upon spotting the dismembered Teddy bear Naomi counters that Jen doesn't trust her, so what should she trust Jen? We'd say the evidence of sleeping with your boyfriend, taking your sister's money and trying to weasel her out of her inheritance would be more telling than a maimed stuffed animal, but hey, that's us.

Even so, Jen is still bent on Cannon's retribution and tells Matthews what she heard. Matthews manages to extract a fuzzy drunken memory of that night and recalls seeing Cannon and Naomi in a classroom, Cannon closing the blinds. At a party later that night Matthews finds Naomi, tells her he knows what happened and says he's going to come forward with what he saw. After a short discussion and some buoying encouragement, Matthews has Naomi on board to press charges. It's amazing how plans shift from underground scheming to more reliable legal action when responsible adults get involved.

Ade, Silver and Navid
Ade's career is taking off even though she's completely unhappy with Vic's douchebaggery. But the man is right about one thing: His methods get results. Ade is asked to participate in a shoot for Luxury magazine about her budding success, and Silver wants to film a documentary about the making of a pop star. Any press is good press according to Vic, so Silver, Navid and another camera are allowed on the set.

However, conflict ensues when Vic says an "artistic" topless shot would work better and Ade is clearly uncomfortable. When Navid stands up for Ade, Vic kicks everyone out except himself and the photographer, though Ade reassures Navid that she'll be okay.

When an early image of the photo is released online, Navid is dismayed to find his girlfriend had let it all hang out. While watching Silver's documentary footage later, he begins to piece together what happened. The camera picked up some blackmail-like dialogue between Ade and her manager, and it's obvious to her two friends that the man has something on her. When Navid goes to find out what that is, Ade spills the beans about Javier's songs and Navid says she has to come forward. But just as she's telling Vic to take a long walk off a short pier, the slimy manager reveals the cover of Luxury magazine, and Ade is on it. From here on out, it seems Ade is down to party. And we're retching again, this time from the almost Gollum-like expression of desperation and longing written all over her face. This isn't the first time you've heard this warning, Ade: Just say no.

What did you all think of the episode? Still dizzy from the rapid-fire plot points? Think Charlie is not as nice as he seems? Worried about Liam in Laura's clutches? Comment away!

Notes n' Quotes

Laura: Hot and cold! I love it, it drives me crazy!

Matthews: Jen had the baby.
Naomi: Poor kid.

Annie: What'd you just say?
Charlie: "The Muppets Take Manhattan is my all-time favorite Muppet movie."

Vic: Do something with your hair, huh? You look a little like a wet rat.