Because it suggests that somehow someway Life actually could favor someone if it wanted to.

Or maybe because it suggests that Life chooses winners & losers.

Or maybe because it suggests that we, people, look to Life to fill in the gaps we, the people, cannot seem to fill.

Or maybe because it suggests that we, people, simply do the preparation work to put us in some fantasy position wherein Life taps us on the shoulder and says “you get ‘x’ opportunity because you did the work.”

I will admit I believe Life has a warped sense of humor but in the end it is neither fair nor unfair. It is just a big puzzling confusing mish mash of opportunities, risks, obstacles and choices from which we, people, have to make a myriad of decisions as we navigate it all.

Is it unfair to not have straight paths to whatever we want or desire? No.

Is it unfair to have so many choices with no ‘reviews’ attached to each so we can assess them before forced to “buy one”? No.

Is it unfair to have this mish mash placed in front of us and no ‘how to manual’ in which to get some directions before we begin? No.

The only thing I can say about Life’s fairness is that everyone gets some opportunity presented to them. Bear in mind that this does not mean everyone gets equal opportunity … because not all opportunities are equal from one to another of us … but pretty much everyone gets an opportunity of some form or fashion … in some shape or size.

Look.

I am certainly not suggesting that Life doesn’t suck sometimes.

Nor am I suggesting that it may seem unfair when Life kind of piles on one trouble after another on you at certain moments. But I would suggest those moments, times and periods occur for everyone.

But that is neither fair nor unfair . It just is.

And you deal with it or you don’t. or, maybe differently said, you either deal with it well or you do not deal with it at all.

Life doesn’t actively set out to screw you.

Life doesn’t have some fair lever or another unfair lever it decides to pull as you appear in front of it.

I would suggest Life is simply indifferent to you and that you are the one who activates anything that may be deemed fair or unfair.

Uh oh.

Be aware that you are not alone in activating Life so what may appear as unfair to you was activated by some numbskull several zip codes away <who thought Life was being fair>.

Anyway.

Life isn’t unfair.

All you can do is to be fair to yourself, work hard, be persistent and keep your fingers crossed.

======

“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.

Try to be better than yourself.”

—-

William Faulkner

========

And, in the end, while Life, or the universe itself, is under no obligation to make sense to you or to give you anything … Life will inevitably look like it gave you a pretty fair shake if you always try to be better than yourself.

I saw this image on weheartit <posted by a young female I believe> and I paused to think about it.

Being a gentleman IS becoming a lost art.

It seems like it may be so as the unintended consequence of the increasing <good> discussion about female empowerment and equality.

The rampant discussion is translating into men stopping being gentlemen.

It’s almost like we use the whole women discussion as an excuse for not being a gentlemen.

The real male assholes say something like “well, they want to be treated equally? Then I am gonna treat them like just another asshole.”

The confused male starts doing … well … nothing. They are not sure where the boundaries are and therefore they don’t do anything.

The overcompensating male starts treating women like buddies and pals.

The nostalgic male dials up the ‘gentlemanness’ to a point where they seem out of touch with today’s world <albeit a portion of the audience view it as ‘charming’>.

The oblivious male just farts and belches and does whatever they have been doing, or not doing, as they have since Adam decided peeing in the bushes was easier than walking over to the designated sanitation area.

The gentleman … well … remains the gentleman. And you know what? it is just not that hard. And it is almost like guys have forgotten what is at the core of being a gentleman. It really isn’t about treating a woman as if she is some delicate flower which cannot handle the inclement weather of Life unless a man is there to protect her … it is about respect.

Respect of someone’s space and place in the world.

Do I sometimes still open a door for a woman?

Sure I do.

But I also open doors out of courtesy in a variety of situations. But mostly I am courteous to waiters & waitresses, listen when others are speaking and help an elderly person who seems like they could use a moment of help. I don’t treat a woman as a special act of courtesy … I treat women courteously as I do everyone.

And, frankly, that is what I believe a gentleman is.

And, yeah, some women chafe at acts of courteousness because when viewed in isolation it can appear as if a man is treating a woman as someone incapable of doing shit on her own. But a real gentleman isn’t offended … they just keep on being courteous & respectful.

It is the ‘posers’ who get aggravated.

Gentleman get measured by the consistency of our actions and … well … we gentleman know this. We recognize single acts can be difficult for someone to assess and therefore forgive single responses. Mostly because being a gentleman is about seeing the bigger picture. Gentlemen recognize they will be measured by their actual deeds.

What I do know for sure is that being a gentleman is becoming a lost art. And I worry a little bit about it because it is a reflection less of maleness and ‘gentlemanness’ but rather overall courtesy.

If we encourage courteous behavior I imagine there will inevitably be more gentlemen in the world.

But, maybe even more importantly, we would simply have more courteous people in the world.

As for what I believe?

There should be more gentlemen in the world. I struggle to believe there could ever be too many gentlemen. I cannot envision a scenario where being a gentlemen would ever be a bad thing <even if it were not completely appreciated>.

I think this is a man’s world issue.

This is something men need to teach boys and young men should be encouraged to ‘be’ regardless of their situation and lot in life.

And we need to do so despite the fact even some women will be ranting over the archaic nature of ‘gentlemen.’

And why do we need to do so? Because being a gentleman is not about women.

It is about men … and how they act … and what they believe.

Courtesy is at the core of the concept of ‘gentleman.’ And that is a piece of art which will never go out of style regardless of time & space.

“Until the lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter.”

—

African proverb

===

Ok.

When I say hunters I mean the people who will do whatever they feel they need to do to get what they want.

We all know some of these people.

Uhm.

We all know some of these people who do not recognize that they are one of those people.

Particularly in business.

They aren’t psychopaths and they aren’t the kind of assholes that are raging assholes … these are just the assholes oblivious to their assholedness.

There are a variety of ways they justify their hunting but suffice it to say far and away the number one way is “end justifies the means.”

“But I <or we> made the numbers.”

“We won.”

“We finished.”

All the while ignoring the carnage left behind.

The carnage can be lost employees, pissed off employees, tired <emotionally and physically> employees, angry peers and disappointed or abused partners.

Let me explain <and what the ‘hunter’ says>.

<lost employees>

They couldn’t keep up or they were not good enough <good they are gone … we weed out those who can’t keep up>.

<pissed off employees>

You can’t always pamper people to get them across the finish line <they like me because they know it is all done with ‘tough love’>.

<tired employees>

I pushed them beyond what they thought they could do <they won’t be angry once they see how I helped them realize their potential>.

<peers angry>

The other managers don’t recognize what it takes to get it done <my project was more important and they won’t be angry once they see the result and how the team responded …or … I am showing them how it should be done>.

<partners angry>

They have good intentions but I need to keep them focused on our priorities and objectives and needs <they work for us and need us more than we need them>.

Look.

These are the hunters <assholes in the office> who focus on the kill. We all have them or have encountered them.

They unequivocally state …

“We came in within budget.”

“We finished on time.”

“We made the numbers <or exceeded … which is most likely what the hunters say>.”

Uhm.

At what cost?

Ok.

Simplistically <part 1> … these are the bad leaders.

Simplistically <part 2> … good leaders get the story from the lions and not just the hunters.

Regardless.

Many hunters in business are simply assholes … and do not even know it because all they see is they are hunters and they have a lion to show for their efforts.

Yes.

Success does matter.

No.

I am not suggesting we shouldn’t value ‘the kill’ or even ‘ability to effectively stalk the prey’ in business.

Yes.

I do believe how you kill or stalk matters.

Now.

Let me discuss the ‘how you do it’ matters aspect.

Having had this conversation several times with hunter like people <assholes> in some office in some city as employees ran to & fro around us … these are the people who quote Sun Tzu and military people all the time.

They ignore honor and integrity and respect for the event and an honorable opponent and solely speak of the honor of the win and respect for the victory <or kill>.

I struggle with these people because as hunters they lose sight of the balance or bigger picture.

Seeking to win, or make the kill, with honor & integrity for the event offers such satisfaction that one who only hunts for the kill sometimes can’t seem to understand.

I sometimes think they fear the event and simply go for the kill thinking that honoring the event means increasing the likelihood they lose the kill or lose some success.

I admit.

This is a difficult discussion to have with hunters. All they hear is ‘inefficiency’ or even ‘being too nice’ or ‘soft’ … yet, in reality, nowhere in there is nice, or inefficient or softness … it is respect.

Respect for the hunt itself and finding satisfaction in making the kill, gaining success, in an honorable way.

In addition.

Gaining success in an honorable way, the right way in my eyes, not only creates satisfaction for me but … you don’t lose employees <or … the ones you lose are the cold blooded hunters>, your employees are less pissed off, your employees may be physically tired but are rarely mentally tired, your peers have a tendency to look at you & your team with respect and partners want to work with you.

Sigh.

But hunters only tell their stories … and far too often are glorified in today’s business world.

“To every rule there is an exception—and an idiot ready to demonstrate it. “

―

Vera Nazarian

==

“Any fool can make a rule. And any fool will mind it.”

―

Henry David Thoreau

==

Ok.

This is a business thought. This is about rules, breaking rules … and how tricky it can be to communicate a thought well in advertising. Today I will harpoon the “break rules” Audi commercial.

Suffice it to say professional communications is always about walking the thin line of connecting with your audience thru visuals & words … and teetering over into the abyss of ‘just missed.’

Professional communicators are paid dearly to be smart enough to discern the difference between things like a ‘break the rules attitude’ <which is burdened by rebellious irresponsibility> and a ‘break stupid rules attitude’ <which is often an attribute and precursor to ‘someone who gets good shit done’>.

Now.

It is sometimes a very very thin line and sometimes bad shit happens even with good intentions. But. And this is a HUGE but. Professional communicators, PR people & advertising people & marketing people, get paid to walk the line and walk it well. So when someone does something stupid you have to scratch your head and wonder how the hell something like that happens.

To be clear.

This is different than simply doing bad advertising. This is different in that it is more a reflection of bad thinking … or … let’s call it misguided execution of what was probably a good idea <once>. These are the situations where I would imagine the intent was correct. I envision business people eating M&M’s sitting in a room discussing strategy and someone saying something like “people who drive our car are the ones who are not comfortable being a sheep in society … and try raising their family to think for themselves” … which is a nice thought.

And someone else said … “lets figure out how to show everyone they aren’t sheep and just do what everyone tells them to do.”

And then some brain dead person said … “they don’t follow rules.”

Doh

<insert mental image of train going off the tracks>

This is the scenario I crafted as I watched an Audi TV commericial.

Well crafted.

Kind of humorous <using some excellent hyperbole>.

Beautiful photography <as you would expect from a car manufacturer>.
And then … oops … it teeters off that fine line into ‘missed.’

Description:

One young boy with the gumption to challenge the very fabric of our society has cannonballed into a pool less than an hour after eating.

The world is full of rules, break them, challenge those in charge, and drive an Audi.

Thank you Audi for undermining everything we need in society. Rules. Now you should try to teach this kid in class when the parents helps undermine the process too. It’s called ethics. Try it sometime. No Audi for me.”

Steve Nordwick

———–

Hugh’s Missing the Point

But I did say “shit, they missed the mark with this.” I clearly understand what they were trying to do and say.

It was tongue in cheek. They clearly tried to use an old wives tale ‘rule’ to make a point. It was hyperbole.

But … well … there is a huge difference between breaking rules and having the attitude to eye rules with some question rather than blindly following them.

And that is where they miss.

They want people who don’t simply follow rules like a sheep but rather look at rules with a discerning eye of ‘stupid or smart.’ And maybe that is where they truly miss the mark.

I am not sure I like the message which suggests kids should not only ignore a safety rule but ignore an authority figure. And I absolutely do struggle with depicting a parent who seemingly venerates and applauds a child flaunting not only rules but figures of authority <even a lifeguard has some responsibility and authority>.

I worry a little about its misguided judgement all within a ‘creating an entertaining commercial’ construct.

Look.

I do believe you can encourage individualism in some other way than ‘The world is full of rules. Be the exception.’ No. I KNOW you can encourage individualism and ‘smart behavior choice even in the face of rules.’

Yeah.

I’m sure I am over thinking this but valuing some sense of order thru rules … and personal accountability toward rules … is kind of what makes civilization run. And I feel like this communications goes beyond just breaking the rules … the parent is teaching him to disrespect rules <and smart rule breakers respect rules but recognize stupid rules>.

And more disrespect?

While I am clearly in over thinking mode … the pool is not theirs … it is a community pool with a lifeguard … which means it comes with some choice to assume some personal accountability within society guidelines if they elect to use the pool … which then assumes they are respectful of the rules, obey the rules posted by those who grant them the privilege to use the pool.

Yeah yeah yeah … that is overthink.

But … and this is a big BUT … I have written a number of times that advertising and marketing can affect behavior and attitudes. And if I truly believe that <which I do> then even some of the smallest things should be eyed with ‘responsibility’ in mind.

Look <part 1>.

Some rules are good.

And rules intended to keep a child safe <even if it is a stupid rule> is good. Telling a child that it is good to break the rules, no matter how seemingly small or stupid, suggests a bad lesson to a child.

Look <part 2>.

Beyond society … in business I know breaking stupid rules is sometimes necessary to get things done.

Excellent effective leadership actually seems to come with an unwritten responsibility to cut through rules that act as barriers to achieving what needs to be done <for the overall betterment of the organization>. I could argue that truly great leaders get where they are because they can do exactly that … legally of course, when the rules tell us otherwise.

Some people call this cutting through the red tape. I call it the ability to weave your way thru the organizational bullshit and get shit done.

I can guarantee that if you look throughout any successful organization you will always find some ‘smart’ rule breakers who work diligently to overcome or circumvent the rules, regulations, and policies that unintentionally hinder progress and make it difficult to accomplish shit that needs to be done.

Ok.

I mention that because creative people sometimes get mixed up between what they see in a business environment and what happens in Life environment. Lie isn’t always a Dilbert scene and Life SHOULDN’T always translate from some business perspective.

The mom in the commercial may be one of those professional ‘break stupid rules smartly’ people … but ‘managing’ her child takes a different skill.

So all those “list business consultant gurus” and the gazillion self help list making books are full of shit.

However.

Just to be fair <not to the expert blowhards … but to lists> … a clinical psychologist at Dominican University in California has conducted research on goals.

1. Types of goals:

Participants pursued a variety of goals including (in order of frequency reported) completing a project, increasing income, increasing productivity, getting organized, enhancing performance/achievement, enhancing life balance, reducing work anxiety and learning a new skill.

Examples of “completing a project” included writing a chapter of a book, updating a website, listing and selling a house, completing a strategic plan, securing a contract, hiring employees and preventing a hostile take-over.

2. Goal Achievement:

Group 5 achieved significantly more than all the other groups; Group 4 achieved significantly more than Groups 3 and 1; Group 2 achieved significantly more than Group 1.

3. Differences between all writing groups and the non-writing group:

Although the previous analysis revealed that Group 2 (written goals) achieved significantly more than Group 1 (unwritten goals), additional analysis were performed to determine whether there were also differences between the group that had not written their goals (Group 1) and all groups that had written their goals (Groups 2-5).

This analysis revealed that the mean achievement score for Groups 2-5 combined was significantly higher than Group 1.

Conclusions:

1. The positive effect of accountability was supported:

Those who sent weekly progress reports to their friend accomplished significantly more than those who had unwritten goals, wrote their goals, formulated action commitments or sent those action commitments to a friend.

2. There was support for the role of public commitment

Those who sent their commitments to a friend accomplished significantly more than those who wrote action commitments or did not write their goals.

3. The positive effect of written goals was supported

Those who wrote their goals accomplished significantly more than those who did not write their goals.

——————

Lists can help in a variety of ways.

This study shows some evidence that a combination of accountability, commitment and writing down one’s goals demonstrates writing shit down enhances the likelihood of goal achievement.

And maybe list making has its highest value not in actual productivity but actually with stress reduction.

Stress?

Yup. There is a guy named James Fallows who wrote in 2004 something like the fact that our brains may not be able to remember shit when it gets overloaded … and, yet, at the same time the brain also can’t forget.

Wow.

That sucks.

At some deep and not very efficient level the brain is always chewing over all the things you should have done but haven’t. Worse? As it chews away it tends to remind you of them at the worst time – typically in the middle of the night.

What this suggests is that most of our stress comes not from having too much to do, but from trying to keep track of it all.

Which explains why, when you’re feeling so overwhelmed and you finally sit down and make a list … you tend to experience a sense of relief.

Oh.

This happens even though the tasks on the list you just finished … remain as unfinished as when you began. But now your brain has a plan to chew on.

Basically you have offloaded the job of remembering them to an “outboard brain” which then permits your actual ‘inboard brain’ to relax a little.

Regardless.

Here is the deal.

If you are in a business you can make lists until you have an entire wall covered with nothing but lists but frankly … all the shit on your lists and why they never seem to get done are typically a reflection of the systems around you, or more specifically, the lack of systems as well as people who do not follow the system.

Let’s face it.

Many companies just have crappy systems. Mostly because most business is done verbally or via email and true project management gets delefgated begind “all the shit we have to do now.”

Please do not misconstrue anything in what I say because project management is hard.

REALLY hard. Especially in a business organization.

All I can really say is one basic rule.

EVERYTHING IS PUT INTO WRITING.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

It keeps you organized, because you no longer have to keep stuff in your head, but you can externalize it to a piece of paper, and later you can process it.

Why write it down?

It’s pretty simple.

I don’t need research nor any guru to tell me the key thought.

Although there is no proven limit of how much stuff you can remember, there is always an opportunity cost.

You cannot focus on too many things at the same time.

Writing shit down is a powerful simple way to focus your attention, keep track of shit, and create a permanent record for the future.

Here is another factoid that should encourage you to write shit down … the Act of Writing Helps Your Memory.

Yup.

Have you ever noticed that when you write a shopping list, you can remember almost all the items on it without glancing at it?

Or when you have a bright idea and scribble it in your notebook, you can remember it all day?

The very act of writing things down helps to get them lodged into your long-term, not short-term, memory.

Look.

Writing shit down on a consistent basis seems like a Time burden and often seems to not bear any obvious benefits.

But, beyond achieving goals, lists can actually saves time.

——

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.”

=

Goethe

——

Lists can save you time because they can help you decide what to do. I say that because not everything on a list is of equal value. Suffice it to say there are want to do’s and need to do’s.

Stephen Covey did an excellent job outlining how to think about things on your lists.

This matrix is the creation of Stephen Covey <which he discusses in his book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”>:

Central to this matrix is … organize and execute around priorities.

If we classify activities by urgency and importance, you arrive at the matrix above. Urgent means it requires immediate attention. Important has to do with results, it contributes to your mission, values or high priority goals.

He advocates spending as much time as possible in Quadrant II, feeding opportunities and starving problems. The time you’ll need to add to Quadrant II will come from Quadrants III and IV. As you begin to spend more time in Quadrant II, the issues in Quadrant I will begin to dwindle.

Lastly.

Writing shit down and the quality of idea output.

Uhm.

Simplistically … off target ideas are bad ideas.

<yes … there are bad ideas>

Many people equate success in ideas to how nice the idea looks or feels or how quickly it was “turned around.” Some people equate success to quantity + speed to generate.

And, yeah, I cannot argue that those things are important in today’s overextended and slightly frenetic <if not verging on chaotic> business world … but bad ideas are bad ideas and quantity & speed are not enough.

In today’s world just getting shit done doesn’t hack it … it has to work.

It has to produce results.

Turning crap around around in record time only means that you are an excellent crap producer. You make check a whole bunch of shit off your lists … and you may show up in monthly meetings pointing out how much shit you have checked off your list … but at some point someone is going to point out all you have done is generate shit lists.

But, back to poor ideas.

I’ve been around the ideas part of business for almost thirty years. In the process of doing thousands of ideas assignments, I have learned there are basically two things that contribute most to good ideas:

quality input

=

time

Good input is critical to good ideas and the proper amount of time for the input ingredients to cook to create the idea pretty much will make or break the quality of your output from your list items.

I would like to note that adequate time may be one of the most underrated important factors in the ideas process.

The difference between bad ideas, good ideas and great ideas is always about having the opportunity to look & think about what you did yesterday. I can guarantee an idea given a chance to be finessed, to be rethought a little will be a better idea in the end.

Time <some … not an infinite no deadline amount> makes an idea better.

Anyway.

I thought about this after seeing another one of those lists of ‘5 things successful people do’ and, humorously, making lists almost always seems to be on that list.

That means this is not about things you purposefully ‘don’t say’ … because that is about selective silence … this is more about regrets and missed moments and shit like that.

This type of silence is more a ‘regret silence’ and is about accountability in our own minds. Accounting of the repercussions of choice, and choices, we make with regard to ‘idle silence.’

—-

In my voice

there is at least a sign

of living geometry

the words of life

I have never understood

the absurd

difference that runs

between death and the illusion

of the heart’s beating.

==

Salvatore Quasimodo

—

Despite the fact I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest <and I am fairly sure most people know this> we still struggle with warring impulses to speak up and shut up.

Look.

I am a no regrets guy. I kind of feel like it’s a waste of energy looking backwards and regretting shit.

In fact.

Most of the time I would argue the things you think you regret probably did more to make you the person you are today than anything you didn’t regret.

That said.

Idle silence can be fixed in some cases. Yup. If you spend a little time thinking about some of the things you didn’t say … recognize them and well … figure out if you can do something about it..

By the way.

This is not navel gazing <of which I am not a huge fan of> but rather an examination of your actions, or inactions, in assessing and improving.

And maybe in the examination you will find yourself seeking an opportunity to say one of these things:

“I’m sorry I didn’t …”

We’ve all have made some bad idle silent mistakes. And apologies, when used well and sparsely, can have real meaning.

Not cheap meaning but valuable meaning.

So say you’re sorry.

And don’t attach a “but” excuse to the apology. Eliminate ‘but I was really upset …’ or ‘but I thought …’ or any ‘but statement’ that diminishes the apology, absolves you of the mistake or shifts even the tiniest amount of blame back on the other person.

Say you’re sorry, say why you’re sorry, and take all the blame.

No less … no more.

“I’m sorry I let you down.”

By the way.

This is not “I’m sorry.”

This is sorry attached to something.

Attached to something because sometimes people take a chance on you … and for some reason … you don’t step up and get it done.

This means someone else stuck their neck out and you didn’t care enough or were not good enough or … well … just not enough.

Most times in these situations we make excuses … or simply ignore the fact someone took a chance on us and we put our head down and get on getting on.

We rarely take the time … or maybe don’t have the guts to stop and say … “I know you went out on a limb for me and I’m really sorry I let you down. I will do my best to never let it happen again.”

Yeah.

I know you can’t go back in time.

And maybe if you are lucky you can still say it even though it is better late than never.

My real point is to ‘never let it happen again.’

If you don’t step up when someone puts you in a position to step up … own it. No excuses … no caveats … own it.

It ain’t easy.

But this is a good hard. The kind of hard that makes you a better person.

Anyway.

I am chuckling as I wrote this because there will be a shitload of people who will not ‘get’ what I am writing about.

I say that because there are a lot of talkers in the world. They talk and talk and … well … talk. They bludgeon you with words.

And some of them may look back and actually find some idle silence to be accountable for but then they will use gobs of words to try and be accountable for the idle time.

—–

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

=

Robert Frost

—–

Anyway.

We all have some ‘idle silence’ to be accountable for.

We all have made some silence choices we most likely regret.

We will never always get it right. That is Life.

But we can always be accountable for our choices. And we should be accountable for the things we didn’t say … the idle silence.

“I want to write a novel about Silence,” he said; “the things people don’t say.”

=

Virginia Woolf

–

—–

“I don’t broadcast every high & I don’t hide every low.

I’m trying to live.

I’m not trying to convince the world I have life.”

=

Unknown

—–

“Her eyes were rimmed with long nights and things she wishes she had said.”

=

Flowers In Bone Cages

—–

–

“Humans are easy to read, because what they’re not saying speaks volumes.”

=

Joel T. McGrath

—-

Ok.

This is not about things ‘not said’ … that would be about regrets and missed moments and shit like that … this is about selective silence.

When we select, or elect, to be silent … and the choice, and choices, we make with regard to ‘silent.’

In general I think we respect people of few words. We think of them as thoughtful and good listeners.

Me?

When I enjoy the company of those who do not say much … I wonder what battle is going on inside their heads.

And, no, not the battle to keep from speaking <those are different type of people>.

This is the battle of thoughts.

The battle that rages between all the words spoken and those not spoken … clashing to create a myriad of thoughts.

This is all about the words you finally debate in your mind on whether they are worth sharing or simply meant to be shelved somewhere in your mind or even discarded as junk.

This is all about the words which scream at the top of their lungs… but are not heard except in the head.

This is all about the words you smother because … well … some words are not meant to be spoken.

—–

“Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your own soul.”

=

Erza Taft Benson

—

The mind can be a wonderful, and terrible, place. Within the best minds resides a tug of war where even words themselves stand at each end staring at each other pulling as hard as they can.

Use this word.

No.

Use THIS word.

And while those of us looking on who cannot see the battle inside sit & wait … we often think of the moment as a deliberate use of silent ‘space and time.’

Deliberately using silence to prompt those of us around to go further in thought.

Silly silly us.

Inside the silent resides the war.

I imagine at the essence of what I am discussing is my belief most people are not flippant with regard to how they use their words <I say this despite the fact we watch blathering mouths scattering words like confetti around a room>.

I do tend to believe most people speak with Salvatore Quasimodo in mind:

—-

In my voice

there is at least a sign

of living geometry

the words of life

I have never understood

—-

What make the battle more difficult is … well … the world around us.

It sometimes seems like the world is structurally hostile to nuance.

Subtlety doesn’t seem to be very effective these days.

The internet amplifies and facilitates a sense that we should think the worst of people <even ones we have never met> and to ignore any facts or context that may potentially eliminate the doubt or uncertainty.

Truth always seems just out of reach and yet being called a liar always seems close at hand.

People aren’t, in general, stupid.

Everyone knows how it works.

Refusing to speak means avoiding the fact that as soon as the words are spoken they begin winging their way across social media … where they inevitably seem to end up mutating into something simplistic and inflammatory therefore overshadowing not only anything else you may say … but also what you may have really said <or meant to say>.

This all leads to self-censorship and calculated blandness.

This all leads to the ‘should I speak’ battle inside the head raging even longer … where neither side wins. It remains a stalemate … and only silence wins.

—–

“… had their ideology combed over, examined, misinterpreted, rewritten and kicked to death a hundred times.

Talk about breaking a butterfly on a wheel.”

=

Steven Wells

————–

What happens when people become fearful of saying anything that might be misconstrued is that they … well … remain silent <when they SHOULD say something>.

And while it would be easy for me to say that the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest … I also think most people really know this.

What is more difficult for us to maybe grasp is that the words they <other people> stop themselves from saying are actually the ones that will haunt us the longest.

Now.

I feel relatively confident suggesting that in today’s world the battle inside the head for what to say versus what not to say most often ends up in a place where silence wins because … well … that is why there seem to be so many more writers in today’s world.

And I mean writers as in diaries, blogs, tumblr, pinterest, any form of a journal or scribblings or words that capture what you may want to say … just not verbally out loud.

Words can battle on the page.

Words seem quieter on paper.

Words seem like they may go unnoticed <which a part of us actually wants>.

Regardless of business … or Life … to me silence defines accuracy in communication.

It is within the space of silence that lies get opened up and bleed to death … and truth is able to step to the forefront.

It is where the quiet of confidence stifles the screaming of obvious insecurity.

It is where, in business, the best are able to comfortably sit and the ‘not so best’ line up to be the first to speak … regardless of whether it makes any sense or not.

———

In business we seem to be teaching rushing from one thing to another like organized chickens with our proverbial heads cut off.

That translates into less real listening and a focus on ‘effective communication’ <which kind of implies ‘listen to me’>.

What kind of future leaders do we believe we are developing if we are not teaching them the value of being a good listener.

I tend to believe I am comfortable with silence is because I believe the teller has no responsibility to make the listener believe in the truth.

–

<source: me>

===

Well.

There is certainly a balance between what you say versus when you are silent.

This thought I am suggesting seems centered on the thought “I believe a speaker has absolutely no responsibility to explain or defend.”

That may seem illogical but I believe at the core of this whole accuracy thing is that each person must take the words you have spoken … and make them their own.

And I believe no one can do that for another.

I imagine a part of what I am discussing is silence after speaking. And here is the courage part – trusting in your words and how they may inspire others to think <and react>.

Now.

This may actually be one of the times when I believe I am different than many other people.

I sense most people do not believe the thought I shared.

I sense this because I hear so many people constantly defending and explaining … and … well … using a shitload of words to make their words sink in or bludgeon other people into understanding or believing <I imagine with the intent to make the listener take the words you have spoken … and make them their own – in some way>.

But … in fact … silence can make a listener well … think.

But … in fact … silence also permits the speaker to … well … think.

Wow.

A double positive.

In fact … it is kind of an eloquent use of time.

I purposefully used eloquence because I believe far too often these days we bludgeon with words, behavior and energy.

Everything seems to revolve around who can shout the loudest or be the first or some bombastic behavior.

Speaking, and silence, is an art.

And I tend to believe we forget this.

==

“The withheld work of art is the only eloquence left.”

–

Don DeLillo

===

Withholding words is a version of eloquence.

Letting people have time to think is a version of eloquence.

It is just a version of eloquence to understand that thought, or an idea, is crafted, or created, in one’s mind.

And to be a little philosophical … thought, an idea, is art <I say that because sharing an idea you have is the closest us normal schlubs ever experience to what an artist feels like when they share something they have created>.

As a corollary I would point out that people have a tendency to create images they like as they think … not images they don’t like.

Therefore <part 1>.

If silence allows someone to create their own image they have a likelihood to LIKE what they think.

Therefore <part 2>.

This suggests to really listen to someone you have to be interested in the images people may be trying to hide in their mind.

Anyway.

I would imagine, as with everything, silence is about balance.

I say that because silence should be used wisely. Because you cannot remain silent all the time. even in a sparse environment there has to be enough to fill in some key spaces.

More importantly?

Words represent thoughts <or, at least, they are supposed to>.
If you don’t use some words you will end up getting buried in your own thoughts.

——-

“I didn’t know you could get buried in your own silence.”

=

Jandy Nelson

—

And this is where the balance occurs … because if you are too silent too often you can get buried in all the things never said.

I say that because silence, when wielded well, creates accuracy.

Uhm.

But only if you point it out <which means you have to speak>.
So maybe it silence is all about deliberately holding silent ‘space and time’ for longer so that it prompts others to go further in thought.

I try and keep the balance simple in my own head … “don’t fill empty space simply because it is empty.”

I try and remind myself that within the empty space … things, not wrought with my own hands … or mouth, will be built.

I try and listen, and see, the things that fill the space before, and after, the empty space.

I worry that silence, or remaining selectively quiet, is often confused with ‘lack of involvement’ … or worse … ‘lack of interest.

I worry that those with the courage to use silence with purposeful intent seeking accuracy & truth are becoming a dying breed.

In the end.

All I can say is that as you look around you and notice the silent, the few who purposefully wield silence as communication, remember … they may be seeing more in the empty space than what is not apparent.

“I do believe in an every day sort of magic — the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence, when we think we’re alone.”

=

Charles de Lint

——–

Well.

I guess in some way I must be an impractical non-pragmatic dreamer type <despite anything I may have said about myself I the past> because I loved this quote as soon as I saw it.

I do believe in an everyday sort of magic.

I do believe that despite the everyday Life grind we encounter a little magic in our lives … every day.

I do believe more of us should see this … or maybe take a moment and recognize this.

I do believe we ignore the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity too easily <and too often>.

I do believe we need to embrace hope just a little bit more often <on more days>.

I do believe magic can be found in stars and rainbows <which we should take a moment and enjoy more often>.

But.

In the end … I tend to believe we should seek some magic, more often, in simple seemingly meaningless moments and silent random encounters with people.

I do believe that no matter how alone, or lonely, you may feel there is always someone somewhere who, while may not be thinking about you at that moment, is willing and wants to think about you <and isn’t all that matters?>.

Does this make me some sort of dreamer?

Heck.

I don’t know.

All I know is that I am someone who believes in everyday sort of magic.

“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have.” – Howard Thurman

This is about sounds.

There are those sounds so awful … you cringe.

Oh.

And then those sounds which make you sit back and sigh.

Oddly … I may suggest the most wonderful sound in the world is the silence that follows the last note of your favorite song. Can silence really be a sound?

A good friend of mine told me the most beautiful sound in the world was the laughter of his children.

Well.

I don’t know why I thought of this but I started a list years ago of what I consider the sweetest sounds in the world. Now that I have filled up the little paper with scribbles of random thoughts … I figured it was time to share:

– “and the dreams you dare to dream … really do come true.” I wanted to say Judy Garland singing ‘Over the Rainbow’ but I thought I would be more exacting … these specific lyrics. In the right mood ‘Over the Rainbow’ can bring a tear to my eye. In every mood those lyrics make me dream. What more could you ask of sound?

– A baseball coming off a wood bat right in the sweet spot. Ah. That ‘crack.’ You don’t even have to look. You know it was hit on the nose <a fastball hitting a catcher’s mitt was a close second here>.

– Church bells in the distance. It doesn’t matter if you are religious or not, believe in God or any higher being, church bells play to your soul and make an offering with their sound to whomever is watching over us.

– The crunch of fall leaves under your feet. It has always confounded me that the sound of dead leaves can make the air crackle with life.

– The little sniff your dog makes as he nuzzles you when he knows, somehow, that something is wrong. The little sound tells you he is there in case you need someone. It is the sound of someone loving you more than they love themselves … maybe even more than Life itself. I tend to think it is the sound of unbounded companionship.

<a close second was the raucous scrabble of paws when you open the front door after having been gone for 3 hours or 3 days … sometimes even 3 minutes>.

– The drone of a propeller plane overhead. Have you ever noticed they seem to only be heard on days with blue skies and big puffy white clouds?

– Horses’ hooves clattering on cobblestone. No matter where you are or what you are doing this sound will place you somewhere back in time. I am not sure there is another sound which sounds like history better than this one.

– Violins. I could probably have chosen any instrument well played but the stirring sweeping sounds of a group of violins or the single mournful tug in your heart from a solo violin in a Beethoven <place any great composer here> symphony? Well. Close your eyes. Is there a sweeter sound?

– “Yes” <possibly tied with with “everything will be alright”>. There are moments when you listen to someone say something … and then there are moments. You have shared your thoughts … maybe just a crazy idea … maybe your dreams … maybe something you have held inside for a very very long time. Nothing beats hearing you are right … or all will be okay.

– Marvin Gaye. Possibly the smoothest singing voice you will ever hear. Roberta Flack sang “killing me softly with his song” for the first time as Marvin Gaye stood offstage. It wasn’t about him but should have been. He was able to transition seamlessly to impossibly high registers. In some songs his voice jumps up 2 octaves without the slightest of hesitation and when he sings in the lower register … he speaks to whatever inner voice you have.

– The sound of rain gently falling on tree leaves … best in the morning just as you wake up. That light pitter patter on leaves just outside the window. Enough said.

– Someone from eastern Europe speaking English. English is a tough language to grasp. An eastern European woman struggling to communicate in English … or even smoothly communicating in English … they inevitably have a throaty delivery that makes every man in the room tingle.

– The soft quick crack of an ice cube placed in an already cold drink. You want something cool to drink. The crack is confirmation that you now have a cold drink. Even cooler.

– The pages of an old book rustling like an old parchment as you turn the pages. Its not just the rough feeling of that thicker paper less pliable because of time upon your fingers … it is the sound that the pages make as you flip one over to read the dated type font and the words leap off the page with the sound of the rustling. Reading is never better.

– Toni Braxton or Anita Baker singing almost anything. Their deeper voices sink into the pit of your stomach so far it aches. In fact … that is what touching your soul feels like.

– The swishy sound of a woman walking in a full length skirt. There is a regalness that can be found in any and every woman. A sense of elegance. The swishing sound of a skirt as they slip into a room or step down the street is … well … the sound of elegance. You do not even have to look <although every red blooded man will>. This is the sound of a woman.

– The opening notes of your favorite song. You don’t need more than 5 seconds and you know exactly what the song is. More importantly? With the sound … within those 5 finite seconds … you enter an infinite space of memories, feelings, thoughts. This sound expands time. Some would call this sound a miracle.

– The cable car bells in san Francisco. In any other place and time the clanging of the cable car bells would most likely be obnoxious. In the crooked streets of san Francisco, which sweep to impossible heights and depths, the echoes of the cable car bells are the birds of the city.

– James Earl Jones’ voice. From Roots to Lion King to Darth Vader … he could describe your death to you and you would sit enraptured to the final word.

– The inner voice we all have. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like James Earl Jones <which would possibly make it easier to pay attention to and believe> but you hear it loud and clear on occasion. It is the sound of the ‘genuine’ within you. it is truly the only true guide you have. I wish it would speak more often but I always try and listen closely for its whisper.