So it has been slightly unyay because we totally trusted Perkins until she said she was tendering her resignation on account of Chequers never having sunk so low, even with the Blairs. And when Dave went calm down dear, Harold Wilson had his moments I believe, Perkins said that compared with Mr Coulson Mr Kagan was a gentleman and a scholar and she'd emigrate to Saudi before she served that ginger hussy another Moscow Mule, bribe or no bribe. But no hard feelings and before she left we might want to think about that toga party, she believed Mrs Brooks might have had her phone out, snapping away just like she was at the Vicars 'n' Tarts, and the Sixties Swingers, too bad nobody thought to ask her at the time, she had seen sights in the conservatory that would make your hair stand on end never mind infringe your human rights, we'd be hearing from her lawyers.

So Dave went relax babes, plenty more Perkinses in the sea, it is at moments like this that I show my true leadership, time for a decent party, extreme bffs only. But our real bffs want their mobiles checked, and all the frenemies, like the Freuds and the Carphone-Warehouses, are bffs with Rebekah, and Andy is uber-outcast, obvs, unless he gets the toga pictures. And Dave says Oik is suspect, for planting Andy, and he's not sure about Hilto because of him being half-Guardian, half-Chippy, plus we're avoiding the Goveys, for now, since they are pretend or even actual bffs with Rebekah, ditto Danny the Fink who basically works for her, so sad and embarrassing.

So Dave went be cool babes, total no-brainerama, the Clarksonator will be up for it, but Clarksy went mega-gutissimo, he'd need Rebekah's permission, there was the column to think of. Which left Helena Bonham Carter and Tim thing, since they were definitely friends at Christmas, but their number has changed and Cleggsy said he was too busy with bathtime to find the new one, and Dave went no worries, Coulson would get it off Inspector Knacker, oh maybe not, how about we start a new box set? Sometimes I miss Notting Hill so much it hurts.