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Author
Topic: Now I am poz too (Read 6299 times)

On january 3, 2013, I found out that I got hiv... So it is a week since I have been diagnozed. I have been going thru a quiet hell, going to work, living my life like nothing happened to me.... But inside I am feeling rotten.... Every thing about my feeling not good freaks me out - is it hiv related or not? Am I showing any signs of being sick? Does anyone sense that I am not ok? My cd4 is 379.. Is it still ok before I see a doctor on january 30? I used to avoid anyone who was hiv poz, now I am one of them...

On january 3, 2013, I found out that I got hiv... So it is a week since I have been diagnozed. I have been going thru a quiet hell, going to work, living my life like nothing happened to me.... But inside I am feeling rotten.... Every thing about my feeling not good freaks me out - is it hiv related or not? Am I showing any signs of being sick? Does anyone sense that I am not ok? My cd4 is 379.. Is it still ok before I see a doctor on january 30? I used to avoid anyone who was hiv poz, now I am one of them...

For what it's worth, everything you are going through since receiving your diagnosis seems pretty typical, to me. It's life-changing, certainly, and it's only been a week. You'll need to educate yourself, and find people to talk to about this. Keeping it bottled up inside you doesn't work.

Regarding that statement I highlighted in your psot, about avoiding poz people, it's not clear to me why you would have take this approach, but it suggests you had some irrational fear of HIV and HIV+ people. You're going to have to learn that there is nothing wrong with HIV+ people just because they have HIV -- because as you said, you are one of them now. If you think of yourself as someone to avoid, you're going to have a tough life.

Oh, with your CD4 of 379, you should be just fine until your appointment with your doctor on January 30.

Regards,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Thank you for response! I avoided the hiv poz people because I wanted to reduce my chances of getting the virus... Now I am wondering whether I was right.. I played safe all the time.. Nobody came inside me, nor did I come inside anyone.. I was selective even with those who said they were neg... I guess, it is useless to think about it but my mind is on it 24/7.

i was the exact same way before i found out. In time you'll think about it less. My cd4s were just under 300 when i first got them tested in early december and my doctor let me wait until after the holidays to start meds so you should be fine. just take good care of yourself in the mean time. welcome to the forums; tons of great info here!

Thank you for response! I avoided the hiv poz people because I wanted to reduce my chances of getting the virus... Now I am wondering whether I was right.. I played safe all the time.. Nobody came inside me, nor did I come inside anyone.. I was selective even with those who said they were neg... I guess, it is useless to think about it but my mind is on it 24/7.

Avoiding others with HIV or shooting your load inside or outside is not how one avoids an HIV infection. You avoid it by utilizing a condom consistently and correctly. It's not rocket science.

My case manager told me that there would be several possible treatments I can choose from... How can I determine which is the best for me?

Your doctor will help you determine any innate resistance to certain classes of drugs. You can research them online here. Go to the top of this page and look for the TREATMENT section. There you will find a comprehensive list of available drugs. Once you and your doctor have narrowed down your choices from the hundreds of combinations available, you can research for yourself which drugs work best with your schedule and disposition.

Of course, depending on your labs, you might not NEED meds for a long time.

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"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Going a bit crazy is entirely normal. Your CD4+ is in an excellent place. It will get easier as time moves forward and you adjust to your self. Time heals. But have no great fear. You are ok. All is as well as can be expected. All is well, and as always, it is your choice to or not to have a long and wonderful life!

I am only a couple months behind where you are, diagnosed in August. I very much relate to your saying that it's on your mind 24/7 and feeling rotten inside. I felt the same way at first... last thought on my mind before bed and first thought in the morning. And a lot of asking myself questions about the past. It's still on my mind, but it's not dominating my every thought. And it may be hard to believe, but now there are even some days I don't think about it all. As much as you can, try to know that you will feel better about this later and have the patience to let that happen.

Buckmark gave two pieces of advice in his response that I totally agree with. 1) Educate yourself. There are some great resources out there: this site and forum, thebody.com, and aidsmap.com are some I refer to. Someone gave me some good advice about the internet though... if what you're reading is making you feel better or more calm, keep reading. If it's making you more anxious, stop reading. 2) Talk to someone. I agree keeping it bottled up inside probably isn't the best option. But ultimately who you choose to tell and when to tell them has to work for you. So pick carefully... especially at first. I am happy I took this slowly... after a little time passed, my thoughts got more clear on who best to tell.

I'm pretty much as new to this as you are, so others around here with more experience probably have much better advice than I do.

Hang in there. I feel A LOT better in my thoughts than I did after I first found out. And I hope I continue to feel better in another 6 months, and a year, and ...

You mentioned how you are feeling in your head. Was wondering how do you feel physically?

Physically I am feeling ok... But any cough, sneeze, headache, pimple on my skin makes me wonder whether it is related in hiv or not. I feel more tired than usual.. But again, I dont know whether it is in my mind..From sexually and emotionally confident man with six packs, I turned into an insecure lifeless creature.... I am afraid of looking at other guys, knowing that nobody would want me anymore.. I know it sounds stupid, but sex was a big part of me and my life..Thank you, everyone, for your responses... It makes me feel worthy..

I'm sorry about your diagnosis homopoz. But you've come to a good place.

I was diagnosed in September '12, and felt exactly the same as you- continued on with life as normal, feeling empty inside. But trust me and everyone else on here when I say it gets better.

You've already made a big step by coming here and telling us your story, don't underestimate this. These forums have provided a wealth of information for me and thousands of others. I agree with BlueSkies: read and become informed, but don't overwhelm yourself. You can get lost. Knowledge is power, but too much can be toxic. And talk to someone. Have you told any friends? Family? I felt very empowered by telling the right people. They were incredibly supportive, warm, compassionate. It made me not feel so different, made me feel worthy of love.

Your CD4 is in a great place and will increase once you start treatment. Don't worry about the little things with your body, you'll only stress yourself out! People get sick, they cough, they sneeze, get pimples (especially when stressed!), you're human.

Your confidence will return in time. There's a lot of stigma in the community and this is reflected in your own attitudes towards positive guys. Unfortunately, this keeps people from getting tested, treated, and talking about STIs and safer sex practices.

You've been diagnosed and now you can start on your road to a long, healthy life. Try and keep your mind occupied with good thoughts- you caught this early, there's lots of treatment options, you have a job, keep your chin up. You've got a great life ahead of you. =)

Again, welcome. Good luck. Good health. Keep us updated on your progress.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -A. Einstein

Again thank you, everyone, for support! I told my partner about my status, and that is all... He has been very supportive, but I find it so uncomfortable to talk to him about my illness.. when he says something about my status, I feel it so surreal that I want to change the subject of conversation. Today I am meeting with one of the support group coordinators... He will be my first person who I will talk about myself face to face...

Met with the guy from aids support group. It made me feel good and sad.. Good because he was poz too and knew what I had been going thru, sad because I realized that my world will never be the same... Signed up for a seminar and looking forward to it...

Physically I am feeling ok... But any cough, sneeze, headache, pimple on my skin makes me wonder From sexually and emotionally confident man with six packs, I turned into an insecure lifeless creature.... I am afraid of looking at other guys, knowing that nobody would want me anymore..

As we say around here...Barbara, please.

I can still hail quality dick faster than a taxi cab here in Atlanta, and I'm betting I'm older and less runway ready than you are, Mr. Six Pack Abs.

The one who doesn't want you right now is you. You're just in a state of trauma. It will pass. You will bounce back. There will be some rejection from some - I won't bullshit you on that. But you'll learn to navigate.

Besides...it sounds like you already have a partner, so apparently there's already preliminary penis at the ready.

Physically I am feeling ok... But any cough, sneeze, headache, pimple on my skin makes me wonder whether it is related in hiv or not. I feel more tired than usual.. But again, I dont know whether it is in my mind..From sexually and emotionally confident man with six packs, I turned into an insecure lifeless creature.... I am afraid of looking at other guys, knowing that nobody would want me anymore.. I know it sounds stupid, but sex was a big part of me and my life..Thank you, everyone, for your responses... It makes me feel worthy..

Hey Homopoz,

I noted the last line in your response, because nobody can make you feel anything, nor can anyone make you feel worthy, as that must come from within. It is also not stupid to feel what you feel, because feelings can help us to navigate how we see ourselves and our place in the world. I suggest that you stop being so hard on yourself and remember that you made a mistake, like we all do and just because you are poz, does not mean that nobody will ever want you.

Your issues right now, are not with others, but with yourself. Try to imagine how you would treat a close friend, who had just shared with you their infection and then treat yourself the same way. You have done nothing wrong, nor do you deserve HIV and the sooner you accept those facts, the more secure you will become. Today, you are the same person you were prior to becoming infected, with the ONLY difference now is that you are poz.

You need some time to process what is happening to you and that's a good thing. Take your time and allow yourself to feel, whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it. Just because you think or feel something does not make it true. You are going through one of the hardest life challenges imaginable, so give yourself a break and learn to become your own best friend.

Because in the end, we are all we have. I can promise though, that things will get better, it just takes time and right now... you have all the time in the world.

Met with the my doctor yesterday. He was a great one. He wants to put me on the medications as soon as possible. We are waiting for results for resistance tests. What surprised me was when I told you him that six months ago my hiv test results were inconclusive, then negative, and he said that they usually follow up with another test in three months. But my provider didnt do it. Can I call it negligence? Would I be better off in terms of the available treatment then than now?

Would I be better off in terms of the available treatment then than now?

Your CD4 count is in the range where its of little consequence if you had began treatment six months ago . I wouldn't get hung up over what happened back then if I were you . The important thing is you are going to get treatment and you seem to like your doctor now .

HiMake peace with yourself,I know you can't help thinking about it over and over but try to think about knowing your +status in a positive way(some people dont even get a chance to find out ...hence "they die without having an opportunity to take the meds" In my opinion you are the lucky one for having found out. Accept it as something you cant change but can do something about.

I tested poz in 2002 while pregnant with my first child, I decided to do so because I knew I had to choose btn having a poz baby( first time I ever got tested) or to have a neg one,I thought I was taking a routine test(for all mother to be)I was only 20 yrs old.I didnt tell a soul and I didnt stress either...that was who I had become and I accepted it,it was a shock ofcourse but I just had to carry on.I started treatment in 2006,I have never experienced any side effects whatsoever,God forbid.I have been on meds for 8yrs.So its the Mindset .Godbless

Met with the my doctor yesterday. He was a great one. He wants to put me on the medications as soon as possible. We are waiting for results for resistance tests. What surprised me was when I told you him that six months ago my hiv test results were inconclusive, then negative, and he said that they usually follow up with another test in three months. But my provider didnt do it. Can I call it negligence? Would I be better off in terms of the available treatment then than now?

If you were negative 6 months ago, then you are a new infection. And if you are soon to be on HAART, than you are also among the group of people "early diagnosis, early treatment." So, enjoy the benefits of that.

It makes no difference if you are starting 5 months after infection or 2 months ago, if you were even HIV+ 3 months ago.

Seems like you don't know when you were infected anyway. So testing 3 months ago, you might have been negative then, as well. Negligent? Nah.

_____

I also picked up on what Hunter mentions. Since it seems you have a bf, why worry about your loss of attractiveness to other men? Anyway, that is, as people expain, mostly in your own mind. You aren't glowing neon nuclear green for HIV+, now, people can't see it, you know.

You'll get your mojo back soon enough. Trust me.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Things well be fine , Life will go on as planed . Please take time to absorb all the information you will be provided , it will come in handy . You will find that down the road ,It maybe months or a couple years , as it took me , your life WILL return to normal , really , one day you will wake up and know all is right in your life .

Thank you, everyone, for your support and understanding! Seems like that I am going to be fine. But I feel that my life took 180 degrees turn. On one hand, I have to pretend that I Ok, I on another hand, I look at everything through the hiv prism. I stupidly hope that one day I wake up and I will be neg, and my life will come back to me.

The feelings you are having are typical. I have one that crossed my mind that you didn't have - I build plastic models which means I use sharp knives. While scraping a recently made joint I lost control of the knife and gashed a finger pretty good. I thought for sure I had let in some bacteria or virus that would be my end. I then thought about the blood I was dripping on the surface plate and how it might infect someone else. I was beside myself for several days with worry but once the gash started to heal I realized I would be okay. This event occured shortly after I was diagnosed.

Physically I am feeling ok... But any cough, sneeze, headache, pimple on my skin makes me wonder whether it is related in hiv or not.

I don't mean to laugh, but this made me laugh. I think it's over, but I went through a period where I blamed *everything* on HIV/AIDS. Seriously, I lost a toenail, and I was convinced for a minute that this was an opportunistic infection.

Not everyone is on the same path, so to speak, but I was diagnosed a couple of month before you, and I *think* I've stopped doing that in the last couple of weeks. I have a slightly different relationship to the disease, though, based on your first post. Even when I was negative, I only hung out with positive guys. Not even on purpose - it just happened that way. They always did turn out to be more interesting people, for what it's worth. I got the "hey, we just met and this is crazy, but I'm HIV positive and I hope you'll still go out with me" message from the last three people I 'dated' when I was negative. Lols.