Canada is just jealous because we were Americans citizens while they were still British subjects. We got first dibs, and it rankles them.

Should have joined us in 1776. You got another chance in 1812. Should have done it. Should have done it. Now we're not even sure we want you and your ubiquitous "eh"s and pretentious beers. You're not allowed to be Americans. You're petty American spin-offs, like the show about Joey from Friends. You're still held tightly under the yoke of Old World monarchs. You're still a colony. All you've got going for you is cheap pharmaceuticals and easy pot farming. "Hello, I'm Canadian, I'm slightly less than an American, but I can purchase oxycontin and Maui Wowie for half price!" We let you participate in our culture, and what do you give us? Avril. Avril f-ing Lavigne. We gave you the Stooges, and your poster-child raped them. Your bacon is inferior to real bacon---it's glorified ham! Your primary export is cold fronts. Most of your land is useless. Your people live in igloos.

And most importantly, you are polluting the minds of the youth of America---the real America---with your subversive "Terrence and Phillip" show.