Saturday, January 17, 2009

Dublin, Ireland - Just a quick reminder for all of our MMA fans out there that the broadcast of UFC 93 will not be in it's usual 10:00 p.m.-1:00 a.m. timeslot today. Instead, at 3:00 go ahead and tune in to ChannelSurfing.net and watch it for free live streaming on your computer screen. Of course, if you're an honest person...in which case you probably don't read this blog, you could always order it on Time Warner Cable and then call customer service 20 times throughout the day to find out why it isn't on your television and you're still being charged for it. My two favorite CSR's over there are Ja'Kuanda and Rochelle, so if you're having any issues ask for them, they're real good at telling you to keep it on the channel and it should "Pop On" at some point.

Anyhow, today's card features a few interesting fights. UFC newcomer Dennis Kang is fighting Alan "The Talent" Belcher in a bout that could have Middleweight Title implications. Of course, the main event between Rich Franklin & Dan Henderson leaves the winner as the coach of Season 9 of TUF, and a finale battle with England's own Michael Bisping. Franklin is coming off a dominant victory over Matt Hamill, where he threw a victorious body kick that "The Hammer" didn't see (Or hear) coming. Henderson is coming off a boring win over some submission guy that nobody cares about.

The problem here for Franklin is that winning this fight would bring him back to middleweight to fight Bisping, and in line for a 3rd fight with Anderson Silva. If someone did this to you...would you want to hop back in the Octagon with them a third time? Although Franklin is my favorite fighter in MMA, and a man crush of mine that has lasted over 6 years now, I almost would prefer that he lost today in order to stay away from the path of destruction that Anderson Silva always leaves...hell his last fight Patrick Cote tore his ACL trying to throw a kick..fighting Silva is just bad news I'm telling you.

Almost forgot, Mark Coleman, who turned 62 years old yesterday, is fighting Mauricio "Shogun" Rua today as well. If Coleman can fight through the arthritis and Alzheimer's he's been battling, he should be able to bore us all to death laying on top of Rua. If not, he may die in the ring today, leaving the writers here at CursedCleveland.com a whole slew of jokes and references over the next few weeks. Stay tuned for a biased, wordy, and potentially incredibly negative recap of today's event.

Big changes are afoot at ESPN radio, as industry reports say Sports Nation and its curious pairing of John Seibel and Orestes Destrade has finally come to an end, making way for Doug Gottlieb to take over the drive time slot from 4 -7 PM.

The program shift completes the most forgettable span of ESPN programming since Beg, Borrow and Deal. ESPN radio's senior VP Mo Davenport explained the move:

"The overall strategy is to focus on strong personality-driven sports content between 6 a.m. and 7 p.m."

Meaning: John Seibel, you've had three hours a day for the last four years to actually grow your audience. Nobody's failed with this much exposure since Alan Colmes. So take your Air Force experience and fly the hell out of this timeslot.

ESPN radio wasn't done tinkering there. Colin Cowherd will have another full hour to urge listeners to blow up The Big Lead's servers (although one person can do as much damage posting a single comment). Cowherd will now piss off Big Ten football fans from 10 AM to 2 PM daily.

But wait, there's more. Mike Tirico's lifeless brand of non-entertainment is shifting an hour and will air from 2 to 4 PM- causing Scott Van Pelt to lose his one-hour show all together. Brian Kenny will be hosting from 8 to 10 PM. Sweet, that means more boxing and baseball, two sports that couldn't be losing more steam in the public's consciousness.

While Doug Gottlieb is yet another ESPN commentator that operates in the world of forced conviction, his basketball expertise is second to none. He can relate to the present day athletes based on his history of credit card fraud. He can also relate to many of today's best lawmakers as an army deserter. Either way, he's very inciteful and doesn't avoid controversy the way Mike Tirico has.

Speaking of Tirico, when will ESPN radio acknowledge that nobody sits around the radio these days to hear uninspired platitudes and endless colleague adulation? At one point we wondered if his pairing with Michele Tafoya was a plot by ESPN execs to entrap the NBA's lead play-by-play man into another scenario with sexual harrassment potential.

Friday, January 16, 2009

CLEVEAND, OH - Less than 24 hours after losing a heartbreaker to a Bulls team full of last year's Cavs rejects, the boys in Gold came back to the comforts of "The Q" and beat a very good Hornets team this evening...actually let's be honest, they would have beaten the Western Conference All-Star squad tonight coming out shooting 8 of 13 from the 3-point line. Brian Winhorst always talks about unwinnable games, and this certainly would fall into that category. Second night of a back to back, no Delonte West, no Zydrunas Ilgauskas, and no idea why I'm home on a Friday night writing this article.

This team is just solid, and who doesn't like to see the entire team coming off the bench when Lebron James fakes another injury? I mean, if you're going to fake an injury after taking a routine fall, might as well have all of your boys huddle around you and try to look up there shorts...right? Ok...so this Hornets team may not be the same team that won 50+ games last year, but they're still a tough matchup for the Cavs, and had already beaten them once this year. Is it just me, or does Lebron just walk right past James Posey, who for some ungodly reason Kobe Bryant can't seem to beat off the dribble?

Finally, a few quick thoughts about the end of this game:

With two Hornets having been kicked out of the game, did Mike Brown think it was a good idea to leave Lebron on the court? Oh yeah, he was "flirting" with a triple double.

Why don't the Cavs fans understand that chanting "MVP" when another Cavalier is on the free throw line just doesn't make sense? Their timing is as good as our webmaster begging for laughs on a podcast.

Why did nobody get in Posey's face when he tossed Mo Williams to the ground?

It's not often we write about baseball on Cursedcleveland.com, mostly because MMA has supplanted America's pastime in our books as our third favorite sport. But one of our favorite players in college was the 2001 Cleveland Indians leftfielder Marty Cordova. Not just because of his .301 batting average on a Tribe team that should have beat the 116-win Seattle Mariners (you and your 76 mile fastball can burn in hell Jaime Moyer), but because he spent more time in a tanning bed than George Hamilton. .

So what's he up to now besides not spending time in a plastic surgeon's office to make obviously needed repairs to his King of Pop looking shnoz? He's busy letting the burly Dana White outrace him in a mile with ten grand on the line. Cordova's time: 7:15. Come on Marty, I last clocked in at 6:15, and that was with me shouldering all the other writers of this site on my back.

By the way, anyone else wondering how Cordova could go from batting .216 with 7 homers to .341 and 28 homers and 131 rbi in just two years? This guy skates and guys like Jason Grimsley get caught? Nevermind his nine-seasons of mostly injury plagued ball. .

By the way, we're a day away from Henderson vs. Franklin. Get excited!

Wedge still sounds like a kid on Christmas morning who dreamed of getting a 10-speed bike" - really Terry? If Wood, Derosa, Smith and Valbuena is a 10 -speed bike, then what would Sabathia, Texteira and Burnette be like? A flying lexus? Wedge gets all he wants.

Another script Ohio. Now all we need is Maurice Wells to run into the back of the line and this would feel like a real game at the Shoe.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Lubbock, Texas -Michael Crabtree has decided to forgo his next two season with the Red Raiders and enter the 2009 NFL draft. The Raiders will also be without their handsome star QB Harrell, which could have also helped with this decision. Either that, or he realized his General Studies major would land him back in poverty. The 6'3" 214 lb WR has become one of the sexier picks in the draft. Seattle, Oakland, and Cleveland would all love this phenom. "As far as I've seen, top 5. That's what I'm striving for," said Crabtree when asked where he would go in the draft. Here are some Crabtree Highlights for those who haven't seen much of him. He is the prototypical WR and will be the first wide receiver taken, although Hartline's decision to go pro could effect this. He has been said to have the size of Braylon Edwards, the hands of Jerry Rice and the cock of Visanthe Shiancoe.

Crabtree had 231 catches for 3,127 but with only 41 TD's. His numbers are a little jacked up because Texas Tech throws the ball 247 times a game. The Red Raider offense can be compared to playing a video game against your buddy, you throw the ball every down and run the exact same streak plays over and over. Cant blame the guy, he has accomplished more in two years with that team than most others have in four. "It was hard when I was little. Money was a big problem," Crabtree said. "I feel like this was the best decision."Couldnt agree more with him and cannot wait to see him with his shirt off in the combine. New friends Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin are now advising Crabtree on what he needs to get himself ready for the next level. This couldn't be more important, might as well ask Brian Blades how to get rid of his competition.

I have nothing left to say about this guy because nobody really cares or will read this. This is my first article and probably my last. The site sucks and so does my article. Time to figure out which Asian teen pornstar I'm going to jerk off too.

I apologize for the premature title, but I was under the impression that Patrick Swayze had already done his finest work by literally reenacting Ghost. It turns out, "The Comeback Kid" still has something left in the tank. Is this guy staying or going? The same can be asked of Cavalier, Wally Szerbiak. After hearing numerous reports that Swayze had already died or was on his deathbed, it's time for him to do the right thing….and die.

Whether they want to admit it or not, everyone loved "Dirty Dancing", "Road House", "Point Break" and "Ghost". The most recent of which was released in 1991, probably around the time LeBron received his first gang affiliated tattoo. "Dirty Dancing" prompted me to get out on the dance floor, with moves that more closely resembled those of Jean Claude in "Kickboxer". "Road House" made me want to work in a bar so badly that I actually did for three and a half years. Unfortunately, I also have to fault this flick for the 5th and 6th years of my undergraduate study (What is Todd Boeckman's excuse?).

If "Point Break" didn't rouse the ambition to rob banks and surf all day, then you are lying to yourself and "Ghost" just plain made me want to kill myself. Reading the aforementioned titles will remind many of the captivating and successful career this actor enjoyed. Some may even question why Swayze lacked any relevant work over the past decade. The answer can be found in six words, "Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Nothing!"

CLEVELAND, OHIO- With this being my first article of the year I’d like to start out by saying how flattered and honored I am to be a part of the exceptional panel of writers that are employed here at CursedCleveland.com. Most of you do not get the privilege that I have of going behind-the-scenes at CursedCleveland and seeing the tireless work ethics these guys have, whether it be writing articles or pursuing very young girls. What a great team to learn from and grow with and I hope my stay here is a successful one. With that being said, our beloved Cavaliers (30-6!) are very close to the midway point of the season, which means its time for me to dish out my mid-season grades for the fellas in wine and gold...

Lebron James – A+* - What can you say about LBJ? The guy is absolutely amazing and what has impressed me the most this year is that he’s finally starting to get it done on the defensive end. However, please note the asterisk next to his grade which denotes that in the last 4 minutes of a game there’s no one you should rather want on your team than Kobe Bryant (see last night’s Spurs game antics).

Mo Williams – A – Mo Will has been everything I had hoped for, providing a consistent scoring presence next to Lebron and solidifying a PG position that has been an Achilles heel in years past. The only question is how long before he tears his ACL and is out for the season. I’ve got February in the Mo Will ACL pool so I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Zydrunas Ilgauskas – B – Although he’s getting older Z is still a very productive part of this basketball team. The key is that, now, he only has to play 25 mins a game which should keep him fresh come time for the postseason and while his minutes are limited he can still give you 15 and 10 on any given night. The only negative I have on Z is that his wife keeps asking me why on Earth she would ever marry such an ugly human being and sadly I don’t have an answer for her.

Delonte West – B+ - I love what I’m seeing out of Delonte this year, never in my wildest dreams did I think we’d get 12 pts a night from this guy not to mention he’s one of our better defenders. When asked what has caused him to be so successful this year Delonte replied, “I don’t know man, I just try to block out the fact that I look like Steve Kocsis and come to the gym everyday ready to work.”

Anderson Varejao – B – Here’s a guy I was extremely down on last year and ready to give up on that has impressed me thus far this season. Averaging almost 10 pts and 7 boards a game off the bench and providing much needed depth and versatility at the 4 and 5 positions has made me a Varejao fan once again. That and the fact that when I saw him downtown on West 6th and yelled “Varejao!” like an adoring teenage girl he actually waved and smiled at me!

Daniel Gibson – C+ - Boobie has been decent off the bench but his 35% shooting from 3-pt range is unacceptable and needs to pick up. He does provide depth at the PG position and can score a little bit so there are positives to his game. However, the whole shaving obscure objects into the side of your head thing is getting old man. I understand your nickname is Boobie and you need to take some attention away from that but I mean, enough is enough.

Wally Szczerbiak – C- Why is Wally World still on this team?...well aside from his boyish good looks. How has Danny Ferry not dealt this guy and some draft picks for another big man? Could it be that he’s been an average NBA player his whole career and the one thing that he could actually do decently, shoot, he can’t even do that anymore (32% from 3 pt range)? Perhaps. On a positive note, this dude had to bang at least half of Miami (OH)’s campus of hot girls so you’ll always have those memories Wally, you’ll always have those.

J.J. Hickson – C– JJ doesn’t get a lot of time but from what I’ve seen I can’t complain about the young fella. He plays hard and can jump out of the gym so I’m interested to see if Mike Brown can develop him into a player. The potential is there, however, like most Cavalier draft picks he will most likely end up being a below average player who will be out of the league in 5 yrs....see DaJauan Wagner, Trajon Langdon.

Ben Wallace – C+ - Ok, so he’ll never be the player he once was, but I’ve got no problem with Big Ben this year. He only has to play 20-25 mins a game and can still give you 8 boards and 2 blocks a game. The only question is will he be able to stay healthy all year and the answer is most certainly an emphatic NO.

Sasha Pavlovic – D – Sasha’s grade is not entirely his fault as this Cavs team is extremely deep and Sasha just isn’t able to get much PT. That being said he’s still a vagina who can’t play D and will be gone by next season if not sooner. However, I could picture Sasha teaming up with some CursedCleveland writers and hitting up the Beach Club for some young teens. I don’t know I just feel like he has it in him. Don’t prove me wrong Sasha!

Jawad Williams – D- The St Edward standout and local hometown favorite receives a D- not because of his play this year or lack thereof. But solely because in the Euclid Summer League back when I was High School his team absolutely annihilated mine and that shit just isn’t cool. Screw you Jawad!

Bobby Phills – F – This guy has just been a major disappointment this year. Whether it's not showing up for practices or his absences at games this guy just doesn’t seem like his head is totally in it and his attendance record is proof of that. All I know is Bobby you better get your priorities straight because you’re not going to live forever and before you know it these opportunities to play NBA basketball won’t be there anymore.

Yes the Cavs have overachieved in every way this year and if the Playoffs started right now they’d have to be the odds on favorite with the Lakers to win it all. However, I’m just not completely sold on this team yet and I question if they have what it takes to be NBA champions. The ship has sailed unusually and almost frighteningly smooth this year and I’m curious to see how this team will react in the face of adversity. Only time will tell but there’s no doubt it’s definitely a good time to be a Cavaliers fan. On a side note, it’s also a very good time to be a youjizz.com fan as they have updated their site and improved the speed and quality of their movies.

--Tarence Kinsey, Darnell Jackson, and Lorenzen Wright not featured due to lack of me caring at all about them.

SAN ANTONIO, TX - Perhaps Pau Gasol Daniel Stern knew in advance that Kobe's celebration came a bit early last night(Much like a I do in most(all) sexual encounters)...for those of you who caught the end of the Spurs/Lakers game last night, you witnessed one of the better NBA celebrations ever enacted. Kobe Bryant, down by 1 with 30 seconds left, dribbled down the floor, and launched a 27-foot 3 pointer which hit nothing but the bottom of the net (Of Course). He proceeded to run down the court doing his best Pedro Cerrano imitation (Yes, I know Sam Cassell used to do this, but he's fucking repulsive so who cares).

The fact remains, we know Kobe has "Marbles," but he proceeded to pass on an opportunity to take the game winning shot, something you rarely have seen from him in the past. Keep in mind he wasn't able to beat Roger Mason off the dribble all night long...and it appears that my biggest fear may be coming to fruition: Kobe Bryant could be starting to lose a step. In related news, Lebron James is filming another commercial.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

SLOWHIO - I know, I know, we break stories on this site about as often as Brian Hartline gets open on the football field. But we had to chime in with this little draft nugget, that while Kurt Coleman is staying around for his senior season and yet another BCS disappointment, Hartline is fleeing college, slowly, for the pros. We're not sure how OSU plans on making up for the 21 catches they'll be losing with Hartline's departure, but considering the way Terrelle Pryor threw the ball in the Fiesta Bowl, there's a chance they'll eliminate passing from their offense all together.

CursedCleveland.com did make calls to both Mel Kiper and Todd McShay for an assessment on Hartline's draft status. Kiper said that he's got a decent arm but really struggled to find playing time at the end of the year for Kentucky. McShay, who actually knew who we were talking about, said that to the best of his knowledge the NFL hadn't added an 8th round yet, and that he hasn't begun to work on his big board of undrafted free agents. We were told that former Buckeye wideout Chad Cachio called Hartline to find out the name of his agent.
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Columbia, S.C.- According to our friends at ESPN.com, former overrated New York Giants and New England Patriots running back David Meggett was arrested for allegedly raping a 21-year old girl(He's 42). This is funny enough as it is, but in order to make this a real headline the kicker here is that this asshole was out on bond in connection with another charge of sexual assault (The first one with a 17 year old...atta boy Dave!) when he raped this little philly. Are you kidding me? Can you really be this stupid? You're a damn former NFL player, Chris Berman used to annoy the shit out of me yelling "Look at that little Megget go" and you mean to tell me you can't just snag some nasty peice of consentual ass? Unreal!

Also, in the most recent case, this Darren Sproles prototype went by the name of "Mike" and according to the victim, she owed him $200 and when he showed up to collect, she didn't have it. He then raped her....and was nice enough to tell her afterwards that she didn't have to repay him the money! I didn't continue reading the article, and I couldn't care less actually, however it looks like this may be his 4th or 5th rape in the last few years. That's good work, and considering these are only the ones that have been reported...He could have dabbled in 15-20 girls, ages unknown but probably spiraling downward from 17...stay tuned for more. In the meantime, David Meggett, you are CursedCleveland.com's 2009 American Idol (Until someone does something funnier).
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MY BEDROOM WALL - Not since Kimbo SLice v Ken Shamrock Seth Petruzelli has there been this much buildup for an MMA fight, only this time, the fighters are good at fighting. And who am I kidding, at this point the UFC just has to put two omnivores in a cage, have Bruce Buffer do his patented pivot, turn and point and I'm pretty much sold on laying a quick fifty down to buy the ppv. And by that I mean I scroll to my "favorites," click on "Channelsuring.net" and find the appropriate link on fight night.

UFC is obviously taking a page out of the Pride book by producing awesome pre-fight pictorals. I know, I know, it's clearly a photoshop, clearly the UFC 94 logo was added in post. But it does not take away from what a bad-ass matchup this will be between GSP and Penn. I think this fight beats the buy rate for Lesner/Couture. (Actually, according to Dana White, the Rashad Evans/Mir/Rampage card had more buys than Lesner vs Couture, that's pretty ridiculous considering they thought Lesner/Couture would be the highest rated MMA show ever in the U.S.).

Tonight on Spike, they're taking a break from the litany of UFC unleashed,Manswers and Pros vs Joes for UFC Primetime: St.-Pierre vs Penn, a half-hour look into the January 31st mega-fight. Feel free to play the GSP drinking game, every time he says "Matt Sir-uhhhhh" or "ahhh-pohhn-nent" you get a drink.
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He was guaranteed to average a triple double for a season one day. Well now he's amassed 19, in five-and-a-half years. Incidentally, Magic finished his career with 138. LeBron is on pace for roughly 54. The King does however dominate in the helper-T cells category. Have no fear, LeBron is here.

ESPNCleveland unveils new site - though still no SportsBoyTony in programming lineup. ESPNCleveland

"Being strapped to a backboard and carted off the field obviously was not the way Shaun Lane saw his college football career ending." Better than complete and total obscurity right? Great special teamer, I'll give him that. Lane's recovery in full swing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

For those of you who were wondering, the staff here at CursedCleveland.com has been very busy in 2008, and couldn't be happier about this triumphant and most likely short-lived return to prominence here in '09. One of us has been busy stalking young (Really young) girls on Facebook, using fake AIM screen names to arrange potential sting operation meetings, and occasionally getting in a workout or two. The other has been planning weddings, setting records for watching television series on DVD faster than anyone ever has, finding and evaluating each and every new free porn website, and never (I mean never) working out. I'll allow our esteemed list of readers determine which is which.

Don't expect to see Jeremy G posting any Mock Drafts, as he's moved on to bigger and better things (And by bigger and better things, I mean we just haven't heard from him in a while). Actually, I just received word that Jeremy G may be dropping by from time to time, Thank God! Nevada Nick has also retired, allowing those of you who were foolish enough to take his advice to hopefully pay your bills and stop dodging your bookie. From here on out, you can expect terribly opinionated articles with absolutely no statistical analysis, and punchlines that often won't fit into articles but we simply find too funny not to include.

Don't you worry though, we've gone ahead and added a couple of real journalistic masterminds for your reading pleasure. First, Shane Vendrell, a Journalism & Sports Management major from Harvard (My roommate who graduated from Bowling Green). He currently coaches basketball, and therefore will use his knowledge of the low-post game to dig into all-things Cavs. He, too knows a thing or two about the world of free internet porn and may dabble into that from time to time. Second, Vic Mackey, a physical education major from USC (My other roommate) who's man-crush on every cast member of "The Shield" has become a bit ridiculous as of late. As he's the only one of us who ever played a real sport in college (If you consider playing fullback for a division III program real sport) he'll tackle most of our in-depth Browns analysis. He, more than any of us, knows everything there is to know about the world of internet porn. Expect to hear from him right after his post-workday naps! For those of you who are new to the blog, please don't read any further unless you appreciate one or more of the following things:

Finding the humor in all things relating to Cleveland Sports as a way of coping with the fact that we will all be tortured for the remainder of our lives, much as our fathers have, and their fathers before them (for those of us that have them).

Jokes pertaining to, or references to dead people (and often those who are recently deceased, there's no "Too Soon" here, only "Too late").

Disparaging comments about Lebron James (we'll try to take it easy on him now)

Kobe Bryant

Obsessive man-crushes

Unprotected Sex (On a related note, please exit the site immediately if you have been, or intend on being tested for STD's in the future)

We're back baby, and we encourage your comments (Even those that are more ignorant than the posts themselves...I know, I know that's tough to do). We're also open to new writers, especially those who are of the same set of beliefs as we are. If you'd like to join the team, send along a paragraph about yourself, including insight into your daily habits, the Cleveland Sports Figure you'd most likely hook up with if you had to, and a picture of yourself from the waste down. Continue Entry»

Exactly two years ago, CursedCleveland.com arrived on the blog scene unlike any other anti-Cleveland sports blog had before. The site was unapologetic in it's mission to make fun of the easy targets, like Richard Jeni,Gerald Levert, and Terry Shiavo. The goal was clear: CursedCleveland was only going after those we wanted to have sex with. In the next two years of on and off again blogging, we gave you access to the teams we hate you love like nobody else. We told you the Browns were bad at coin flipping, that the Cavs should trade LeBron for Kobe, and that Jeanette Lee is the hottest Korean nine ball temptress in the game today.

Ok, now you can see why nobody read our site and why we stopped posting alltogether (Rachel Maddow was giving blow jobs when we posted our last entry). We suck, and for some reason, Waiting For Next Year gets more hits than the New York Times website.

Doing my bad Seth Myers impression:

Really, people flock to their site for real sports jawboning?Really, they wrote a breaking news story about Beanie Wells and didn't write one joke about how his durability rivals that of Patrick Swayze?Really, they're live blogging now?

Ok, we get it. They're a good site, if you want straight forward sports talk. They're Paul Harvey to our Howard Stern (or Opie and Anthony, if you wanted a more accurate analogy based on ratings..). Is there room for two of us in this world? Sure. Wait, people still go to Swerb's blurbs? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Alright, so much like the television station I work for, this blog will always be in last place. And that's why we're doing what Randy Lerner should have done years ago: We're selling the naming rights. CursedCleveland.com is an amazing name. It's catchy and when you use it on a yahoo chat session, you'll be able to arrange meetups with all sorts of girls that might or might not be shopping at Hot Topic.

Look, we have no choice. Much like all the other sketchy sites we, umm.. belong to, GoDaddy automatically renewed our site for two years, while stealing money from our bank account, kinda like what the Indians do when you put money down for post-season tickets.

So get in while you can. Make sure to use Tootie, or Flex pay! It's in Gem Mint condition!
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The Most Insanely Idiotic Message Board Thread of the Week

"This may be outlandish but... as far as talent goes at the corner position we will be a little weak with the early departure of D.W. We don't have any great talents at corner. Small was a 5* CB as a recruit. What do you all think?"