Exquisites 2013: Zack’s Films Of The Year

Like me, you’ve probably lived on this planet for your entire life. In that time, you’ve seen it all. Mayors. Food fights. Snowmen. The works.

Let’s face facts. There’s nothing new to stimulate us into a frenzy of inspiration and excitement. This world is an outhouse filled with wailing infants, drug cartels and juggalos.

Fortunately, it will all be over once Y2K begins. Until then, we spin on our heels, plant our feet and proudly face backwards, staring into the diminishing gleam of history for guidance, education and — most importantly — home video entertainment.

Today’s film industry is an accidental Rumpelstiltskin, spinning yesteryear’s horseshit into pure gold by comparison. Meaning: every computer-assisted diaper-ride they churn out shines a brighter light on what was once considered unwatchable. And people like us follow that burning beam into the darkest unknown territory because the alternative is unacceptable.

The following five movies were the most encouraging assaults on reality that I found all year.

Learn about them. Seek them out. Ingest them. NEVER DIE.

05. The Black Crystal (Mike Conway, 1990)
RaeDon Home Video VHS / Full Review
“Shot in Arizona on 16mm over 15 days in 1989. Trans Ams were smeared with ketchup. Balding gym coaches were paid $50 a day to feign arcane darkness. Tucson was transformed forever. No one noticed.”

04. Scary Tales (Doug Ulrich, 1993)
NoBudget Productions VHS / Full Review
“In the second Scary Tale, a cuckolded husband goes on a berserk annihilation spree. Heads split like melons and eject from shoulders. One grisly homicide ends with a slow zoom into an obese man’s bellybutton. After several people are murdered, several people are murdered. End.”