Monday, June 2, 2014

(Minas Tirith, one month since the battle for the freedom of
Middle Earth.Aragorn’s Coronation.
Gandalf is in the process of crowning Aragorn, Frederic and Dinah are off in a
corner somewhere, making out.A bottle
of the finest vintage second-age wine is in Frederic’s hand.(Check E-Thilien dot com for a store near
you!)Faramir and Eowyn are holding
hands, together at last.Eomer, however
is standing about an arm’s length away, being held back (unknowingly) by the
ghost of Boromir.)

Eomer: (Struggling madly) What is this?Why can’t I move?

Faramir: (Grinning)Must be those imaginary dragons… (Leans over and kisses Eowyn)

Eomer:(Makes no
sound, as Boromir is covering his mouth) ABSTINENCE!!!

Eowyn:WHERE do you
hear such LIES?I’m wearing a chastity
belt.

Eomer: (visibly relaxes)

(Obi-Wan is holding Peppy, his mouth duct-taped shut.He is bouncing up and down on the balls of
his feet, giving Qui-Gon puppy dog eyes.Qui-Gon is grinning from ear to ear, a slightly evil, but satisfied
expression on his face.Théoden-king,
meanwhile is nearby, sitting astride Shadowfax. He is in a daze, the Palantir
in one hand, rocking back and forth, and licking it absentmindedly. Arwen is
standing behind the standard (That’s a flag, for those of us with small
vocabularies)She is wearing a rather
fetching green dress, and shooting dirty looks at Legolas.(He did, after all, ruin that lovely pink
ensemble of hers…)Elrond is standing in
front of the standard, a look of madness on his face, looking as though he is
about to start frothing at the mouth.Every few seconds he turns with lightning speed to the surrounding
people, hissing “Don’t touch my daughter”with a ferocious growl. His left eye is twitching.SG-1 and King Arthur and his knights are in a
far corner, away from the action, eyeing each other apprehensively.High above, Teal’c is riding his Fell Beast,
tossing flower petals into the air to rain down onto the guests.Darth Vader is standing relatively near where
Gandalf is crowning Aragorn.Yoda is
sitting on his shoulders, and both are eating peanuts.Yoda has a balloon.Darth Vader has a gigantic stuffed green flamingo
tucked under his arm.Lastly, Sam and
Frodo are standing among the throng, weeping openly at the joy of the occasion.)

(Gandalf finishes the ceremony, and Aragorn, newly crowned,
turns to face the crowds.As he does so,
Faramir (in place of Boromir) Legolas, and Gimli approach him and kneel.)

Faramir:My lord
Aragorn, let it be known that you will always have my sword…

Eomer:(Completely on
his own with this one) ABSTINENCE!ABSTINENCE!ABSTINENCE!

(Suddenly, Denethor walks in, Whiskers in one arm.He is wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian
print shirt, a wide brimmed straw hat, and rather large sunglasses.He is carrying two rather heavy
suitcases.Complete silence descends on
the crowd.)

Denethor:Gee,
Aragorn, thanks for sending me on that vacation.The Bahamas were great, it was really
nice to get away from the responsibilities of the Stewardship.I would have stayed longer, but, you know, I
just couldn’t wait to get back to my city, and my citadel, and my throne, and
my… (stops, eyeing spectacle, especially Faramir, kneeling before Aragorn)MY ONLY SON!!!!(Advances on Faramir, who is now cowering
under his scorched rug.)FARAMIR, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?Pledging your allegiance
to this Ranger from the north, LONG BEREFT OF LORDSHIP…

Gandalf:Maybe we
should take this inside…

(Cut to:the inner
chambers of the citadel)

Legolas:Aragorn!Go sit on the
throne!Try it out! See what it’s like
to be KING of Gondor!(Practically
jumping up and down with glee.)

Denethor:(Spies
Theoden-King.)THEODEN!IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!YOU LICKED THE PALANTIR!!!

Theoden-King: (coming out of daze, and quickly stowing
Palantir in cloak)I did not!

Denethor: Oh, to Mordor with you.I need a drink.FREDERIC!!! Bring me a bloody Mary… with a
tomato slice on the glass!Oh, and make
sure those are the good tomatoes.The
ones for the special occasions!The ones
that just make you want to… (Drifts into fond reminiscence)

Eowyn: (approaching Faramir with a tray) Here, Faramir.I’ve baked you a batch of my special Ranger
cookies for the occasion.

(The party continues until late in the night.People are socializing, and Obi-Wan is
fluttering about like a butterfly on Speed, telling everyone the story of how
he found his socks… again)

Obi-Wan: …And then I turned around and there were 12 angry
weasels following me, and so I jumped into a ditch and there were spiders so I
screamed “Eew! Spiders!”and I crawled
out again, and then I ducked under this really old tree, and ran around and
around and around and around, and then I got so dizzy that I fell down, and I
think I almost threw up, but I didn’t throw up, so I got up again, and started
running but then I tripped over a rock and I skinned my knee, and when I looked
down to see what was wrong, I found my socks again!They were on my feet the whole time!

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan… have you been snorting pixie stix again?

Obi-Wan: Nooo. (Looks up innocently)

Harry Potter:(In his
one, single shameless cameo)ACCIO PIXIE
STIX!(Two seconds later, he is buried
in a mound of pixie stix.The only part
of him visible is his wand hand, still clutching his wand.) Ugghhhh…

Qui-Gon:(Glaring at
Obi-Wan, who is looking back at him with an innocent grin)

(The massive crowds disperse, leaving only our intrepid
heroes.)

Denethor:So… who’s
hungry?

(Everyone raises their hands.)

Denethor: Off to Burger Steward then!

Theoden-King and Aragorn:It’s Burger KING.

Denethor:Oh,
fine.But I get White Castle!

(As the group sets off for Burger King and White Castle,
Col. O’Neill looks around, shrugging.)

O’Neill:Well, at
least we didn’t DIE.

(At that moment, a crazed chocolatier pops out of a
bush.It is WONKA.He shoots them all with Nerds, then runs off,
laughing maniacally.There are no
survivors.)

The end.

Just Kidding!

(They live happily ever after, and ride off into the sunset,
toward White Castle and Burger King… I mean… Burger
Steward… I mean…)

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Samwise the Brave: (Consults HOOM maps)Bear east-north-east toward Orodruin… Well,
we did that.So I guess the next step
would be… Climb up cracks of Doom.

Frodo:(hisses) The
eye… It’s on me, I can see it with my waking eyes.And the ring is so heavy, Sam, how are we
ever going to make it?

(Frodo hasn’t even finished his question when Teal’c swoops
out of the sky, picks up Frodo, Sam and Gollum/Smeagol, and flies off to Mount Doom.There, Frodo chucks ring, with just a wee bit
of difficulty, into the volcano.Anguished, Gollum/Smeagol falls to his death as well, after riding the
invisible Frodo.Can’t you just envision
it?Of course you can’t, Frodo is
invisible!!! HA HA HA.)

(Fall back to Minas Tirith)

Carter:(Staring
bewildered at her CO.)Uhh… sir, how did
you do that?

O’Neill:Do
what?(Cap is back on head.White sneakers are now mysteriously gone.)

Qui-Gon:(sigh)fine… (Lowers Denethor from pinnacle of the
city.Perhaps a bit too quickly at the
end, as Denethor slams into the ground with a nasty –whump-)

Denethor: (scurrying towards Faramir)MY SON!!! (weeping openly and throwing
himself on the body of his son)

Eowyn:That’s my
job!(struggling as Eomer drags her
away)

Denethor:My son… if
only you would open your eyes one more time!I never told you this, but you were always my favorite son!Even more than BOROMIR!!!

Boromir’s Ghost: Buh!Buhbuh!!! (stammers incoherently)

Denethor:I know you
weaseled your way out of the sword lessons, and the baking lessons, and
everything else, but I let you get away with it.I wanted to keep you here, protect you.I never wanted to see you hurt, and now
you’re… DEAD!

Pippin:(Running
across Pelennor Fields)HE’S NOT DEAD!!
HE’S NOT—

(Stopped by Frederic, who has caught up, now both stand
behind bereaved Denethor.)

Frederic: Shhh… (whispers)Wait for it--

Denethor: I know I’ve been harsh on you, but it’s only
because I LOVE YOU!!!

Faramir:(groggily,
opening eyes)Wh—What?

Denethor:Nothing.
(stands up and brushes off robes.)

Frederic:He said he
loves you.

Denethor:I did
not!Frederic, you’re FIRED!

Frederic:No I’m not,
you love me too.

(Frederic waltzes away, drunkenly.Pippin finds himself in a happy reunion with
Merry, and Eowyn breaks free of Eomer’s grip.She throws herself at Faramir.)

(Gandalf runs out just in time to stop Denethor from giving
Aragorn a nasty smack upside the head.)

Gandalf: STAY THIS MADNESS!

Legolas: Damn Straight.

Gandalf: Denethor, what were you doing?

Denethor: Nothing…

(Frederic perks up, and begins trotting back over)

Denethor: (Flailing) I WAS TRYING TO GET RID OF ARAGORN!
FREDERIC, YOU’RE FIRED!

Frederic: (singsong) No I’m not…But you are!Aragorn’s the King now!

Denethor: WHY YOU— (Rushes Frederic)

Faramir: (while being smothered by Eowyn)Father… Don’t fling yourself off any
precipices… or whatever…

Gandalf: HOLD!I
don’t know how I know this, but… THE RING HAS BEEN DESTROYED.Middle Earth is free once more.

Frederic: Break out the wine!

(End of part XIII)(OOO, Unlucky thirteen!What are
you gonna do?Cry to your mommy?(Wanders under ladder and trips, breaking a
mirror in the process.Black cat streaks
across crumpled form.)Not a word.Not one word…)