this is a question we ask in part 5 of the new PEERtrainer Motivation Bootcamp. this is a very common occurence- when you make changes you will be attacked. When you react the right way, it will not throw you off your game.

This is MUCH easier said than done, but if there is one thing that you need to take away from the motivation series we have done here it is this: don't allow other people to make you feel badly- make it THEIR ISSUE. and do this with grace......

This statement really rings true for me. When my husband says "I'm sorry, but I'm just being honest" and he's telling me I'm not "his body type yet" (he likes athletic, toned women -- I work out and, yes, I need to drop some weight, but I think I look pretty good already), I need to remember that it's HIS ISSUE, not mine. How to do it with grace is my stumbling block... it's something I really want to learn.

Monday, September 28, 2009, 2:57 PM

Confused

I listened to part five and I don't really get it: I'm supposed to continue to allow certain people to abuse me while I find a "happy place" in my mind?

The lady who commented above has a husband who obviously doesn't think she's good enough for him. I have in laws that I'm around way too often that are pure poison.

She loves her husband. I hate my in laws. What we have in common is enduring abusiveness. Not snarkiness, abusiveness.

I need to know how to confront it and change it. Not endure it.

Her husband's issue IS her problem. He makes her feel bad when he should be the first one to protect her and make her feel good. My husband won't protect me either.

That is where I am lost on what to do. Happy places in my mind aren't going to cut it.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 2:03 PM

Ah, an issue that sooooo many people here need to address.

You CAN'T change other people. You can't. Other people change when they want to. You can try to influence it, but you ultimately have NO control over other people. And when you realise that you can only control your responses, then life is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.

Her husband's issue is her problem if she chooses it to be her problem. That's her choice. You choose what is a problem.

And her hubby saying she's not his body type is not abuse. That's ridiculous.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 2:48 PM

"You CAN'T change other people. You can't. Other people change when they want to. You can try to influence it, but you ultimately have NO control over other people. And when you realise that you can only control your responses, then life is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.”- So true. We can only change ourselves.

However

“And her hubby saying she's not his body type is not abuse. That's ridiculous.”-

I disagree. Verbal abuse is very real.
Common Signs:
Being called names by your spouse
Using words to shame
Yelling, swearing and screaming
Using threats to intimidate
Blaming the victim
Your feelings are dismissed

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 4:20 PM

Verbal abuse is real, but saying "you're not my body type" is not abuse. It's just not. It's not being called a name, it's not an insult, it's not threatening, any of that.
Dismissing feelings by itself is certainly not abusive. It's poor relational skills, it's perhaps mean, rude, and impolite, but that's not abusive at all.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 4:29 PM

Again I disagree

It falls under "Using words to shame":

Spousal verbal abuse can also evoke shame in the affected spouse. Repeatedly saying, "you're fat" or "you're no good" causes the victim to feel ashamed of who she is. He'll sarcastically or cruelly compare her to others who he feels possess what she lacks. Hence, she begins wishing she were someone else.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 4:36 PM

um, people choose to feel shame, are not "caused" to feel shame. You can't control other people, which means other people can't control you.

Attaching meaning and values to phrases is a personal choice. If my bf prefers blonds and I'm a brunette, I can think "he doesn't love me enough cuz I'm blonde" or I can say "He may like blonds, but he still loves and adores me" Shame is internal, shame is a choice.

If she begins wishing she was someone else, that's entirely her choice. I'd say a rather silly one, but to each their own.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 4:59 PM

“attaching meaning and values to phrases is a personal choice”

words and phrases have meaning
“a word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanging; it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used”
Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. Towne vs Eisner

Continually using words to disparage/put down/belittle a spouse “you’re not my body type” can be construed as a verbally abusive behavior.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 5:33 PM

*could* not can be, and only in a context where there is something more than that comment- which is entirely suppositional.

They very fact that the meanings of words can change is because what value we associate with that word is a choice. To many, marriage is still a union between a man and a woman, to some it is a legal agreement between two consenting parties legally able to enter that agreement. Ignorant, essentially means uninformed or lacking in knowledge, but it is all too frequently used to mean rude.

Telling someone they are not the body type you prefer does not mean you don't think they're attractive. I'll grant that Jessica Biel is attractive, however I would never want a body like hers, because it's not "my type". My type is the soft curvy look- something more like Jennifer Tilly. I think Tilly is much sexier and feminine that Biel.

interpreting "you're not my body type" as an insult, is a choice. Granted, it *could* be that the intent is to insult (no evidence at this point) but if it was, the poster would simply have to accept that his intent to insult her isn't in her control, and she can let it bother her or ignore it.

Ignoring a behavior is only a problem when the behavior bothers you (aside from physical abuse). Don't let it bother you, and it really *is* their problem, not yours.

Saturday, February 06, 2010, 8:14 PM

“Ignoring a behavior is only a problem when the behavior bothers you (aside from physical abuse).”

child abuse, verbal abuse, drug abuse?

“Don't let it bother you, and it really *is* their problem, not yours.”

I agree, “it *is* their problem” but sometimes other peoples extreme problems could affect you.

I agree with the poster at 2:03 PM “Happy places in my mind aren't going to cut it.”
When it comes to verbal abuse.

Sunday, February 07, 2010, 12:27 AM

So why did he marry her if she was not his favourite body type?

Presumably because he loved far more important things about her, and if he still loves her, then stating his feelings is not abuse, unless he is intending to 'put her down"...a loving realationship can take lots of things which WOULD be abuse in an unsatisfactory relationship.

My late husband would have much preferred me to have large boobs...he got quite upset as he saw those that I did have, shrinking away even smaller when, after much effort, I lost weight....but we laughed about it, and he always backed me in my efforts to keep my weight within 'normal range'. I would have preferred him to be lean and muscular, but he never was and I didn't marry him for his body shape.

Thus a happy marriage...lots of give and take....lots of optimism and acceptance of everything including each other. We had fun together and I am truly grateful to have been so blessed.

Sunday, February 07, 2010, 8:45 PM

Regardless of this particular woman. Someone telling you daily that you are never going to succeed or that you are fat is more than in your mind. I understand the idea that " it only has the power you give it," however, daily interaction iwth your spouse or your live-in relatives requires more than an attitude adjustment. Getting jumped by thugs on teh street as a random target is not the same as being physically assaulted by an abusive husband on a daily basis. Whether the previous poster's husband was abusive is not the issue. I believe the question goes to repeated putdowns and insults from "loved ones" with whom one has to interact with daily and recieve daily negativity.

It requires boundaries and assertiveness. Taking ownership also involves protecting oneself. That is the biggest lesson I am learning on this journey -- my fight against self-sabotage and emotional eating. Teh applicable conflict-resolution skills that I have been taught, and seem to be effective in practice:

For one, push them to the periphery if possible. Although it feels like a restriction on myself and sometimes a downer -- I make a point of sharing my joys over my efforts with others. (I'm single, so I'm not sure how much 'pushing to the periphery' is healthy.) 2. state that there comments are discouraging and you have enough challenges. Specifically tell them that their comments are part of the problem. THE KEY HERE IS TO BE CALM -- the I'm done and I'm about to be over this and you type calm. 2a. In my case, I've had to go so far as to explain to them why this is a problem FOR them and explaining that their behavior is part of what and whom I am attempting to purge. 3. Since these comments, in my case at least, are unsolicited and usually unnecessary, create a consequence. All conversation IMMEDIATELY ends - I point out that was unnecessary. I realize this consequence doesn't work for everyone. But think of something.

REPETITION and CONSISTENCY are the key to learning. The attacks have diminshed, although it hasn't disappeared. I'm not sure about everyone' sscenario, but it comes down to asserting boundaries once we are past the "just ignore it" option.