Spoof news stories from Sunday 3 July 2011

TRENTON, New Jersey - Vinnie Vincent Bellavista the producer of the hit reality series The Jersey Shore has just announced that the show will be returning in August for a third season.
Bellavista says that he had actually toyed with the idea of re...

Boxer David Haye's broken toe has failed in it's attempt to become undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World.
The one inch broken toe was outpointed over 12 rounds by Russian giant Wladimir Klitschko in Hamburg last night.
Irish flyweight...

London - The mood is grim in SW19 tonight as tennis governing body officials begin studying footage of the Men's Singles Finals win.
And reigning champion Rafael Nadal may yet be reinstated as the horrible truth of his Serb victor's delaying tacti...

Today I was delighted to receive my first fan mail. It is such a thrill to get an email like the one below. There are some spelling mistakes but it's the thought that counts. My reply is at the end of this article.
From: nancy
Sent: Sunday, July 03, 2011 11:00:24 AM
My Dearest One,
It is a great pleasure to masturbate with you and i hope and believe that we will make a good and reliabl...

It's official. New research carried out by Professor Donny Gall of the Irish institute for mind studies has shown vast differences between men and women.
Using a newly developed high definition head scanner Professor Gall can, for the first time s...

al-Qaeda fanatics in Britain are being trained how to avoid detection. They are being trained to act 'gay'.
A new terror training manual instructs Islamic extremists, if approached by women, to pretend they are gay. The very fact that some of th...

Up until now there have been three different colours to describe heat: Red Hot (just hot), White Hot (very hot) and Blue Hot (extremely hot).
But now a group of scientists from London University have discovered a new colour to describe a new level...

Following a recent performance at Glastonbury, the Wombles have been released from Prison for Crimes against music.
Judge Ignorant said: 'I had never heard of the Wombles before, but I think that their efforts in cleaning up Wimbledon Common, par...

Carlos Tevez is to stay at Manchester City after all. A proposed swap deal with Inter Milan for Samuel Eto'o didn't work out.
The Argentine star has wanted to leave City for a long time despite leading the club to victory in the FA Cup final as c...

Edinburgh - A Stars and Stripes crop circle composed entirely of the reviled Christmas Day brassicas has sprung up outside the Queen's bedroom window in Scotland.
Its appearance on Holyrood Palace's lush turds - er...turves! - came within minutes...

A reporter from 'The Daily Tacky' revealed today why Gordon Ramsay and his father-in-law, Chris Hutcheson, no longer speak to each other.
Apparently, father-in-law has been leading a 'triple' life for decades. He has not 2 but 3 wives and families...

As Britain's annual love affair with lawn tennis came to its usual unrewarded end on Sunday, there were sounds of laughter emanating from SW19.
"Oh, I love it," says EIF News & Features sports editor, Thelonious Adidas. "Every year it's the sa...

After the shock announcement from London Underground this weekend that its shedding 13 of its 51 Directors, Train Operators around the country are fighting to be first to say that they are following London's lead... like we do in everything else.

Thailand is a country well known for its stunning beaches, great food, sex tourism and being the world's largest consumer of ping pong balls (where do they all go?!)
But it is also known for its ladyboys. So many young Thai men become ladyboys th...

During Thursday's strike actions, there was cross union support for strikers and protestors removing the 'N' from their 'Down with the Cuts' placards.
Mr Madd from the Unions said it was a worry that some very rude and unpleasant placards would be...

Politicians across the two main parties (and any remaining Liberal Democrats out there) also staged a Strike on Thursday, and true to form, no one noticed.
Ian Smith from P.I.L.L.O.C.K (Politicians in league, loving occult cheese kites) the only u...

The Bourne ultimatum continues, with 'Miss Fancy Pants' herself Carolyn Bourne entering the fray, in a big fancy car, and a large insurance payout to bring down the government.
The snobbish 60 year old sent a rude email to her future daughter-in-...

Metropolitan Police are now using popular BBC documentary 'Luther' as a training video.
In it, maverick (is there any other type?) detective John Luther, played by that bloke from The Wire is seen to solve any numbers of crimes and deaths, whilst...

Labrador with a human face, Boris Johnson has rejected calls for corruption charges to be bought against him.
'Gosh, crikey, phwoar, what will David say?' said the outspoken Blonde when faced with questions regarding the choice of breakfast cerea...

Increasing numbers of Britain's older unemployed job seekers are saying they're afraid to visit job centres to sign on each fortnight because younger unemployed people there stare at them menacingly and seem to think the older job seekers are taking...

An ace female reporter from 'The Daily Tacky' wrote today that Pippa Middleton indeed denies the rumours that she has nicknamed her "vagina" the "Pink Palace."
In a telephone interview today Pippa was said to be in tears when she heard the rumour...

Washington DC - Today the White House announced that President Obama had signed an executive order which declares that henceforth, the July 4th holiday is to be known as "International Assimilation Day". The move drew widespread criticism on Capital...

Female viewers of the popular BBC series Coast are demanding more attractive male presenters.
Following last week's episode which did not feature regular long-haired Scot presenter Neil Oliver but managed to squeeze in two new "babes" the BBC has...

The untimely exit of UK No 1 tennis player, Andy Murray, from this year's Wimbledon, has been laid at the feet of Bassett's the sweet maker, by fans of the Scottish tennis star.
Wilma Scorelift, chair of the Andy Murray supporters club said that t...

In an effort to calm Britain's rows, sorry roads, new laws are to be introduced to tone down car horns.
There is a long history of horns on cars, from the tootles of the first cars to the craze in the eighties for horns that played tunes. These da...

Stunning blonde tennis babe Florence 'Flee' Brudenell-Bruce has told followers on Twitter that she has a "whopping crush" on the hunky Spaniard Rafa Nadal.
She tweeted girlfriend Pippa Middleton, who also confessed to having "the hots for the das...

NASHVILLE - Taylor Swift was in the recording studio working on some songs for her next CD entitled Love Songs I Wrote About Some Mean Guys I Have Dated and Stuff, when she was asked about the Kanye West microphone grabbing incident at the 2009 MTV V...

A sixteen year old girl in Nebraska State has just received a nose job, without surgery.
For years the girl had complained about a crooked nose; begged her parents to pay for plastic surgery. Her parents consistently said no to her being put under...

Adult residents of the Isle of Wight are moving, quickly, towards removing the words 'penis' and 'vagina' from use on the Isle.
Islanders are tired of their children Googling the words and looking up You Tube videos with the two words in the title...

Canada celebrated 'Canada Day' twice. Once on July 1st - the true birthday of the nation which was celebrated in Ottawa royally, with the attendance of Prince William and his lovely new bride, Kate.
She wore a stunning red and white outfit duri...

The QM2 a large cruise ship, named after Britain's Qeen Mary, failed a health inspection in New York and was described by health inspectors as 'filthy.'
The owners of the "Dirty Queen" decided that appropriate punishment in the traditions of the s...