US Government Year 2000 Status Memo

Author Unknown

To: The American People
From: The U.S. Government
Subject: The Year 2000 Problem
Date: September, 1998

We here at the U.S. Government realize that many are nervous about the
Year 2000 Problem, and we would like to inform you that there is no
need to panic. Your friends here at the U.S. Government have everything
under control, and we fully expect that all our equipment will be
completely Year 2000 compliant well within the next 15 years, er, months.
While there is still much work to be done, we want to take a moment to
recognize our accomplishments and update you on our progress so far.

Al Gore: We are happy to report that the circuitry used in the Vice
President is now almost entirely Year 2000 compliant. Contrary to some
reports, the Vice President will not spontaneously combust on January 1,
2000. There is a small possibility that he will lose full mobility, but as
the Vice President has never previously operated at full mobility, this
should not be an issue.

Social Security: Our Social Security system, unfortunately, is not Year
2000 compliant. A task force was formed to look into this problem, and
their report recommends that since the whole program is scheduled to
collapse in a few years anyway, our resources would be better focused
elsewhere. We are sure you understand.

IRS Pit Bulls: All IRS pit bulls are now fully compliant. You should be
relieved to know that IRS pit bulls will still be able to tear out the
innards of all tax evaders in the year 2000. Because of problems with our
programming code, there is the possibility that some citizens will be
mistakenly labeled as tax evaders, but luckily the pit bulls will still be
operational. Also, we are happy to report that the rack is fully Year 2000
compliant.

In other IRS news, our brand new tax collection system will be ready to
begin operation well before 2000. This should mean no disruption in the
collection of taxes. However, our new tax refund system is currently behind
schedule, and we may be forced to continue using our current system
(a non-compliant 386 that we keep in the IRS basement) past
January 1, 2000. This may cause some delays in tax refunds, but luckily
your refund should be delayed no more than six years.

The Bridge to the 21st Century: We regret to inform you that the Bridge to
the 21st Century is not Year 2000 compliant. We suggest you find another
route.

Computer Systems: We are happy to report that we have made excellent
progress toward our goal of making all government computer systems Year
2000 compliant. In fact, our second quarter 1998 project updating all mouse
pads was completed a full month ahead of schedule. We have decided to
take a few weeks off to celebrate this success, but soon we will be
tackling our next project: correcting the code for all copies of solitaire
and minesweeper. Also, George from the FBI reports that all government
computers will still be able to access porn in the year 2000.

Nuclear Warheads: We are also happy to report that most of our nuclear
warheads are Year 2000 compliant, and practically none will detonate at the
turn of the century. We think.

The Clinton Legal Defense Fund: Luckily, the Clinton Legal Defense Fund has
always been Year 2000 compliant. Even if no computers are operational, the
Clinton Legal Defense Fund will still be accepting donations. To ensure a
speedy delivery, carefully place your donation in a paper bag outside the
White House. Please, unmarked bills only!

The National Debt: Unfortunately, the computers used to determine the
national debt are not Year 2000 compliant. It has come to our attention
that these computers will crash and cause the entire world economy to
grind to a complete halt on January 1, 2000. Our best recommendation
is for everyone owed money by the United States to immediately cancel
the debt in the interest of world stability.

We have set up a special phone number for this purpose. Those entities
wishing to cancel our debt should please call (202) NO-DEBT. Operators
are standing by, and as luck would have it, the computers for the
No Debt Project are fully Year 2000 compliant.