5.05.2014

Tub Full of Sunshine

I'm a little manipulative. There. I said it. I had a flute teacher who told me that I probably get through life by smiling sweetly and batting my eyelids because that's pretty much how I played the flute. She said that was great but it wouldn't get me too far.

I found that I get far by also being demanding. I determine what is best, then I go for what is best, and I put my feet down on lots of things until I get what is best. Example? I needed a class, people weren't letting me get in... I put my foot down on things and I got in. Didn't even bat my eyes once. I used a lot of diplomacy and professionalism.

The most recent object of my desire was a four pound tub of jelly beans. My parents had one at their house so I told them I wanted one and they laughed so I said Joe wanted one for his Birthday. I batted my eyelashes and played the birthday card annnnnddd....

We got it.

We've only had this little jar of sunshine for a few days but it's already become such a large part of our lives, and it's hard to imagine a time when we didn't have it. I felt like owning this monstrously large tub of beans has taught me so many things about owning a tub of beans, about myself, and about life altogether. (About life... Airplane, anyone?)

Some day you may find yourself roaming the isles of Costco with a whopping $15 burning a hole in your pocket, and fate may bring you to purchasing this jar of wonder. Here are some tips.

Tip 1

There are jelly bean eaters who go for distance, and there are those who go for speed. If you're going for speed, these are NOT for you. Trust me. You do not want to pick up a hand full of colorful wonder, stuff it in your mouth, only to find that you had pear mixed with coffee and NO ONE WANTS THAT.

Tip 2

No one wants pear or coffee anyways. Avoid them at all costs.

Tip 3

Pear look green with darker green freckly speckles. Coffee is tricky, because it's essentially the same color as the most wonderful flavor, root beer. Here is how you tell the difference! Pick up a bean. Is it brown? Then it's probably one of the two. Hold it up to the light. Does it emanate a glow? Good. That means it's glorious, which means it's root beer. Remember. Glow means glorious. Glorious means root beer. Are you still not sure? Take a bit of a closer look. Are there freckles at ALL on it? Dark brown freckles, white freckles? That means it's COFFEE. Because coffee beans are impure and tarnished. Root beer is perfect and wholesome.

Tip 4

If your husband can't tell the difference between root beer and coffee, pick out all the coffee ones for him and tell him they're root beer.

Tip 5

If you're feeling like you need a sugar fix (because don't we all! I know I do! Haha! Hahahaha!) then these are the candies for you. Grab about five, eat them, and you'll be so confused by the flavors and uncomfortable with what you just ate, you'll be done for a few hours.

Tip 6

Stick to the color blue when in doubt. The blue beans are almost always good.

And lastly...

Just remember to have fun. These jellies are not just for idle boring snacking. They're for fine tuning your senses and exploring the various flavors of gelatin. Having a tub will bring more happiness into your life, but it can also bring trials and sorrow. If you've had a streak of eating terrible flavors, don't give up, keep trying, because you'll get a delicious one soon.