Carson’s Cups, Football Felons and Dog Drags

I think we can all agree that I would be an excellent talk show guest.

Let’s be realistic, though. I know I’m not going to be the first guest. I don’t think a show would waste two segments talking to me about my life and my latest project. But, as a secondary guest or even as an alternative to a musical performance in the thid act, I think I would shine. I can be funny and charming and self deprecating (I understand the irony of including self deprecating on the list while singing my own praises. Please add self aware to that list. )

I’m also aware enough to know that you’re not supposed to stand up and start to leave before the show can go to commercial. How is it possible that so many public figures forget this? Just sit there until the director yells clear. When you stand up and walk away on camera, it makes you look like clueless boob and it makes the host appear like he or she (let’s be honest, it’s always a he) has no control of their own program. I’m convinced that’s why Jon Stewart always leans in and tries to continue the conversation with his guests as soon as he ends the segment.

There is one thing that would bother me, though. I find it very unpleasant to drink water out of a porcelain mug. I’m sure this is a tradition that dates back to that old drunkard, Johnny Carson, who mainlined Scotch to supress his urges to jump over the desk and stick his hands between Ann Margaret’s tits. But, those days are over. None of the current hosts are uncontrollable alcoholics. How about switching to a more appropriate piece of water drinking glassware? Perhaps you can use a pint glass embossed with the show’s logo or a red plastic solo cup. Anything but a heavy porcelain mug.

Until that change is made, I am not available. So, talent scouts and booking coordinators, you might as well just not call me.

We begin this week with Peter King’s Inside the NFL column. I’ve made no secret about how distasteful I find the attitude of most football coaches and executives. They treat the game as a life and death struggle with almost no place for individualism. The players are commodities to be bought and sold more than they are people. This point is hammered home in a couple of ways by this week’s Sports Illustrated, though most dramatically by the comments about Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton made by NFL people at the combine.

Newton gave King this quote:

“I see myself not only as a football player but an entertainer and icon.

King then turned around and asked football people for their opinions of it, no doubt doing so in a “can you believe that this kid doesn’t understand that football is war,” sort of way.

“Totally turned me off,” said the coach of one team that’s in need of a QB.

“I can forgive the mistakes of an 18-, 19-year-old kid if they’re isolated,” said another coach whose team is scouting Newton. “But I’ll be concerned about his focus. Is he in it to win, or will he be thinking about making the big highlight plays every week?”

Let’s be clear. Those “mistakes” include breaking and entering, robbery and an alleged bribery scheme. According to this coach, those are all fine. But god forbid this kid has a personality.

THE ARTICLES

Rap Sheets, Recruits and Repurcussions by George Dohrman and Jeff Benedict

Is it possible to be shocked without being surprised? Because I think that might be the best way to describe my reaction to this article. Everyone knows that coaches sometimes look the other way when their players commit bad acts, but seeing the issue in terms of a statistical breakdown takes it to a whole new level. And hearing from coaches who act as if they had no idea you could research someone’s past is really pretty infuriating. Have none of them heard of google? This is a great piece of reporting. The authors are able to make their point with facts, instead of nakedly pointing their readers in the right direction.

Second Coming in The Second City by Lee Jenkins

Derrick Rose’s stardom kind of came out of nowhere this year. He’s gone from very good player to Top 5 superstar in a very short amount of time. Jenkins does a great job of explaining how and why.

Pitcher, Perfectionist, Polymath by Franz Lidz

pol·y·math- noun; a person of great learning in several fields of study; polyhistor.

au·to·di·dact- noun; a person who has learned a subject without the benefit of a teacher or formal education; a self-taught person.

Now that we have that out of the way, I have to point out one more thing. Lidz, or his editors, chose to pepper this article about CJ Wilson with some “clever” tweets the pitcher’s posted on his account. This is one of them:

See that? It’s RETWEETED by str8edgeracer. He didn’t write that joke himself. All he did was think it was funny. Even retards are capable of finding things funny (actually, they may be more capable. Those pudgey bastards laugh at everything.) It provides no insight into Wilson’s personality or worldview.

And by the way, this is an actual funny twitter joke:

Why did the four babies cross the road? Probably to follow their mother. Stupid fucking 4 babies.

Tweeted by Louis CK

How Did I Get Here? by Pablo S. Torre

Finally, a kid that’s received tons of benefits and advantages based solely on his physical attributes who actually appreciates what he’s been given and seems to value the free education as much as the chance to go pro. I will root for Festus Ezeli, though he will almost definitely be an NBA flop.

What’s So Special about Jose Mourinho? by Grant Wahl

I feel like Grant Wahl is one of these people who silently rages against a world that he feels is simply not listening (We can smell our own.) His message: “Love soccer, America! Please.” Well, I have this advice for Mr. Wahl. It’s hard to make an argument stick when you do it by tearing down the beliefs of others. In other words, just tell us soccer is good. Don’t tell us it’s better than the sports we love,

No coach today compares. Phil Jackson may have won 11 NBA titles, but he always had the best players. Mourinho conquered the Champions League with Porto and Inter Milan, teams with nowhere near the talent and payrolls of their top rivals. Joe Torre and Mike Krzyzewski may have reached the pinnacle four times, but they did not have to connect with their players in five languages. Mourinho speaks Portuguese, English, French, Italian and Spanish, fluently. Bill Belichick owns three Super Bowl rings as a head coach, but even he can’t match Mourinho’s most remarkable record: He has gone nine years without losing a league game at home, 148 matches with four different teams.

And for the record, Joe Torre’s Yankee teams had players who spoke English, Spanish, Japanese and Taiwanese. So, the argument doesn’t even hold water.

While I’m tangentially on the topic, how does European soccer work? Is there a regular season and then playoffs? Or do the teams just play in a series of tournaments? Maybe if someone explained how it works, more people would pay attention. Probably not, though. Watching soccer is fucking BRUTAL.

Cool Days on The Dog Farm by David Epstein

This Alaska just sounds terrible. How did Lance Mackey maintain custody of his children while being a cocaine and heroin addict who forced his family to live under a tarp on a beach? And even now, as he obtained some level of success by forcing dogs to drag him thousands of miles, why hasn’t he covered up the exposed wiring in his kitchen? Also, they mentioned Wasilla. And that made me angry. Fuck you Sarah Palin and fuck you Lance Mackey.

Point After by Joe Posnanski

It didn’t do it for me this week. The story of Nick Charles bravely facing down death should have made me cry. For whatever reason, it didn’t.