OUR REVIEW & RATING ★★★½

Based on the comic book created by Dave Gibbons and Mark Millar, Kingsman: The Secret Service quotes are stylized, cheeky and crude and sure to offend someone but yet highly enjoyable.

The story centers on veteran secret agent Harry Hart who takes teen delinquent Eggsy, from the streets of London, and brings him into secret spy organization that recruits kids into the agency’s ultra-competitive training program just as a global threat emerges from an eccentric billionaire.

The script is a smartly written tongue-in-cheek take on the spy genre with ultra-violent but cartoonish action and extremely adult humor which surprisingly make it a winning combination. Although Vaughn manages to provide a clever twist on the spy movie genre the film is not without its failings, major one being that the tone and momentum it builds up in the first half somehow gets a little lost in the second and the crudeness and graphic violence will not be for everyone.

With regard to the performances the standouts are Firth as the veteran secret agent Harry Hart who not only displays the necessary charisma and flexibility for his performance but provides the right amount of believability in his stylized action scenes. But the heart of the story is Taron Egerton as Eggsy who convincingly transitions from uncouth troublemaker to secret agent. Also the chemistry between Firth and Egerton as mentor/mentee relationship adds an extra layer to the story that makes it unique. A special mention also has to go to Samuel L. Jackson’s performance as the speech-impeded, twisted wealthy tech magnate Valentine.

Verdict: The unflinching violence and vulgarity will definitely be a turn off for some audiences, but for the less sensitive souls the slick, brazen and stylish humor makes it a smart spy spoof and highly entertaining.

[first lines; Middle East 1997 – a helicopter flies into a compound]Helicopter Pilot: This is Zero One Alpha. We have secured the Falcon. I say again, we have secured the Falcon.[inside the building four men have apprehended a terrorist leader and he is tied to a chair]Harry Hart:[subtitled] I will count from one to ten. Within that you’ll tell me what I want to know. Otherwise the number ten is the last thing you’ll hear. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…[the terrorist lifts his head up to reveal a grenade pin in his mouth]Lee: Grenade! Get Back![he pushes Harry out of the way and jumps onto the terrorist and covers the explosion]

Harry Hart: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it?[looking at one of his partners, Merlin]Harry Hart: Merlin, I apologize both for putting you in this position. You trained him well.[looking at the other partner, Lancelot]Merlin: James, your training is over.Harry Hart: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.[he shakes his hand]Lancelot: Sir.[looking at the dead bodies of Lee and the terrorist]Harry Hart: I’ll deal with this mess, personally.

[London – Harry visits Lee’s wife Michelle]Harry Hart: I very much regret that your husband’s bravery can’t be publicly celebrated. I hope you understand.Michelle Unwin: How can I understand, if you won’t tell me anything? I didn’t even know he was away with his squad.Harry Hart: I’m so sorry, I can’t say more.[clearly upset Michelle nods her head]Harry Hart: I would like to present you with this medal of valor. And if you look closely on the back, there’s a number. And as a more concrete gesture of our gratitude, we’d like to offer you an…let’s call it a favor. The nature of it is your choice. Just tell the operator “Oxford’s, not Brogue’s”, and then I’ll know it’s you.Michelle Unwin: I do not want your help![she pushes Harry’s hand holding the medal away]Michelle Unwin: I want my husband back![she starts crying]

[Harry goes over to Lee’s young son, young son Gary, aka Eggsy]Harry Hart: What’s your name, young man?Little Eggsy: Eggsy.Harry Hart: Hello, Eggsy. [referring to the snow globe in Eggsy’s hand]Harry Hart: May I see that?[Eggsy hands him the snow globe and Harry gives him the medal]Harry Hart: You take care of this, Eggsy. Alright?[Eggsy nods his head]Harry Hart: And take care of your mum too.[Eggsy nods his head again, Harry then leaves]

[Argentina, 17 years later – Professor James Arnold is being held captive by a group of thugs, one of them takes the hood off his head]Big Goon: So sorry, Professor Arnold. Just a tiny bit more.[as the thug tries to take the tape off of Arnold’s mouth]Professor Arnold: Oh, for God’s sakes, just rip it off!Big Goon: I am under very strict instructions not to hurt you.Professor Arnold: Look, you’ve made a mistake. I’m university lecturer, I’ve got no money.Big Goon: This isn’t about money. Our boss just wants to just talk to you.Professor Arnold: Am I meant to find that reassuring?Big Goon: He’ll be here soon, he’ll explain. Do you like whiskey?[to one of his thug companions]Big Goon: Red, get a ’62 Dalmore.Professor Arnold: Mm.Big Goon: Honestly, this whiskey is amazing. You will shit.

[there is a knock heard at the door, the thug answers it and finds it’s Lancelot]Lancelot: I suppose asking to borrow a cup of sugar is a step too far.[as the thug goes to shoot him he quickly gets his gun out and shoots the thug he then proceeds to fight and kill the rest of the thugs]Lancelot: Professor Arnold, I’m here to take you home.[the thug that was fetching the whiskey enters with the tray in his hand when Lancelot quickly shoots him, then takes the glass of whiskey off the tray and sniffs it]Lancelot: Mm. 1962 Dalmore . It’d be a sin to spill any. Don’t you think?[he takes a sip when suddenly there’s a knock at the door, as Lancelot goes to answer it he’s suddenly cut down the middle by a woman with bladed prosthetic legs named Gazelle ]

[Gazelle fetches some sheets and holds them out to Arnold]Gazelle: Can you hold these, please?[Arnolds holds his out indicating he’s tied up, Gazelle uses one of her bladed prosthetic legs to cut the ropes tying Arnold’s hands, she gives him the sheets to hold as she uses them to cover up the dead bodies of the thugs; to Arnold as he throws her the last sheet]Gazelle: Thank you.[she opens the front door]Gazelle: Everything is clean.[she holds out the glass of whiskey for her employer, Valentine]Valentine: My kind of welcome.[he laughs, takes the glass of whiskey and drinks it]

[to Arnold]Valentine: No stomach for violence. I mean, literally. I see one drop of blood, that is me done. I’m like…[he imitates throwing up]Valentine: Projectile. Listen, I’m so sorry you had to witness all this unpleasantness due to our uninvited guest. But I promise you, by the time I’ve found out who he worked for, you and I will be the best of friends.

[back in London; to his driver]Harry Hart: To the shop, please.[the car pulls up in Savile Row outside a tailor shop which Harry enters]Kingsman Tailor: Arthur is in the dining room, sir.[Harry goes to the dining room]Harry Hart: Arthur.Arthur: Galahad. The others were beginning to wonder if we were going to have a double toast.[Harry takes seat next to Arthur and they both put on glasses that when you look through them show the other members of the Kingsman taking part in the meeting]Arthur: Gentlemen, I am thankful to say it’s been seventeen years since we last had occasion to use this decanter. Lancelot was an outstanding agent and a true Kingsman, he will be sorely missed.

[he holds up his glass of whiskey]Arthur: To Lancelot.[the others hold up their glass of drink]Kingsman Agents: To Lancelot.[they all drink to Lancelot]Arthur: I intend to start the selection process for Lancelot’s replacement tomorrow. I want each of you to propose a candidate and have them report to UK HQ no later than 9 p.m. GMT. Thank you.[they take off their glasses as the meeting ends]

[Merlin stands by the dining room doorway]Arthur: Merlin. Come in. Lancelot was investigating a group of mercenaries who were experimenting with biological weaponry. Glasses, gentlemen. Please.[Arthur and Harry put their glasses back as Merlin shows them information through the painting hanging on the wall]Merlin: Uganda, 2012. Synthetic Cathinone. You put it in the water supply of a guerrilla army base. Rage, cannibalism. Multiple fatalities. Chechnya, 2013. Insurgents turned on one another. Indisputable, the work of our mercenaries but no trace of any chemicals of any kind.Harry Hart: So what happened to Lancelot?Merlin: He tracked them to this property in Argentina. And while he had them under surveillance, he became aware that they had effected a kidnapping. So he executed a solo rescue mission which failed. This is his last transmission:[the screen shows the message: KIDNAP VICTIM IS PROFESSOR JAMES ARNOLD]

[referring to Arnold]Harry Hart: Who is he?Merlin: Some climate change doomsayer. Expounded something called Gaia theory about the world healing itself or some such. But what’s curious, is he’s not actually missing. This is Professor Arnold.[he shows them footage of Arnold]Merlin: At Imperial College, this morning.[Merlin gives the files to Harry]Arthur: It’s all yours. And don’t forget your membership proposal. Try picking a more suitable candidate this time.Harry Hart: Seventeen years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. Need I remind you, I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that young man. He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.Arthur: But he wasn’t exactly one of us, was he? Let’s face it, Galahad. Your little experiment failed.Harry Hart: With respect, Arthur, you’re a snob.[Harry gets up and starts to walk out]Arthur: With respect? Harry Hart: The world is changing. There’s a reason why aristocrats developed weak chins.[he turns and leaves]

[we see now a grown up Eggsy looking at himself in his bedroom mirror, he tucks the medal Arthur had given under his shirt]Michelle Unwin: Eggsy? Eggsy, come here.[Eggsy walk to the living room where his mother, Michelle, is sat watching TV with her new husband, Dean]Michelle Unwin: Got any rizla, babe?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.Dean: Why don’t you do your mum a favor, go down to the shop and get some.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Get ’em yourself.Michelle Unwin: Oy. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that?[looking at Dean’s friend, Poodle, also sat with them watching TV]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Three’s a crowd, ain’t it? Why don’t Dean’s poodle go?

Dean: I tell you what.[he takes some cash out of his pocket]Dean: Why don’t you take this and go and get some rizla’s, get yourself some sweets? And while you’re gone, we’ll show your mother how three can be good company.[Eggsy reluctantly takes the cash]Michelle Unwin: Thanks babe.[at the same time his baby sister starts crying and Dean starts kissing Michelle; Eggsy goes over to his baby sister and gives her a dummy]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: There you go, sweetheart. Here we go. Is that better?[he then leaves]

[Eggsy meets his friends in the pub]Ryan: If Dean treat your mum’s so bad, why don’t she leave him?Jamal: Low self-esteem. That’s her problem.Ryan: Fuck off. Why would she have low self-esteem? Eggsy mum’s well fit.[Ryan and Jamal laugh]Ryan: No offense pal.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’s alright. One of these days I’m gonna smash his face in.Jamal: Are you mental, Gaz? He’ll just get that lot to do you and then pretend he knew nothing…[pointing to some thugs sat at another table]Jamal: …about it.

Rottweiler: Oy, you think you can chat shit about us and we won’t do nothing, just cause our governor’s bangin’ Eggsy’s mum?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Pretty much, yeah.[to Eggsy]Jamal: Just leave it. Let’s just go, man. It’s not worth it.[Rottweiler and his group of thugs walk over to their table]Rottweiler: You boys have outstayed your welcome. Leave.[suddenly Eggsy stands and Ryan and Jamal leave]Rottweiler: What?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m sorry about that, broth.[he turns and starts to leave]Rottweiler: Yeah. Mug.

[referring to Dean’s thugs as they walk out of the pub]Ryan: They weren’t fucking worth it, boys.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: It’s freezing. Why are we walking?[he holds up car keys]Jamal: You jacked his fucking car keys, broth?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yep. Now we’re gonna nick his car.[he unlocks Rottweiler’s car]Ryan: Fucking shit. Move, broth![they get into the car]

[the police chase Eggsy as he drives the car backwards down a few blocks until he crashes into another car when he tries to avoid hitting a fox crossing the street]Ryan: Dick head!Jamal: Foxes are vermin, Gaz. You should’ve driven it over.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I should’ve done a lot of things. I’ll sort this, get out of the car. [Ryan and Jamal hesitate]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I said get out of the fucking car![Ryan an Jamal get out of the car and Eggsy drives into the police car]

[whilst being interrogated at the police station]Policeman: Eggsy, there is no such thing as honor amongst thieves. Now you can start giving me some names of the boys you were with, or you go down. It’s up to you.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I want to exercise my right to a phone call.Policeman: Well, I hope it’s to your mum, to tell her that you’re gonna to be eighteen months late for your dinner.

[Eggsy takes out the medal he wears around his neck and calls the number on the back]Female Voice: Customer complaints. How may I help you?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Um…my name’s Eggsy Unwin. Sorry, Gary Unwin. And I’m up shit creek, I’m in Holborn police station and my mum said to call this number if ever I needed help…Female Voice: I’m sorry, sir. Wrong number.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Wait, wait! [he then remembers the phrase Harry had told his mother to use when making the call]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oxford’s not Brogue’s?Female Voice: Your complaint has been duly noted, and we hope that we’ve not lost you as a loyal customer.

[policeman interrogating Eggsy gets a call as he smokes outside the station]Policeman: Yep. You what? I… Yep. Yes, I totally understand.[looking angry the policeman walks back into the station, at the same time Eggsy walks out after being released, as he walks down the stairs Harry is waiting for him]Harry Hart: Eggsy. Would you like a lift home?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Who are you?Harry Hart: The man who got you released.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That ain’t an answer.Harry Hart: A little gratitude would be nice. My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal. Your father saved my life.

[Eggsy and Harry are sat in Eggsy’s local pub]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So before you was a tailor, were you in the army? Like an officer?Harry Hart: Not quite.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So where was you posted? Iraq or something?Harry Hart: Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: But my dad saved your life, yeah?Harry Hart: The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren’t for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I’d think he’d be bitterly disappointed in the choices you’ve made.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You can’t talk to me like that.

Harry Hart: Huge IQ, great performance at primary school. Then it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, you think there’s a lot of jobs going around here, do you?Harry Hart: Doesn’t explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens’ gymnastics two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material. Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my step-dad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.Harry Hart: Oh, of course. Always someone else’s fault. Who’s to blame for you quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Because my mum went mental! Banging on about losing me as well as my dad. Didn’t want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers, with no thought about why we do what we do! We ain’t got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we’d do just as well as you, if not better.

[Rottweiler and his thugs enter the pub]Rottweiler: What the fuck are you doing here? You taking the piss?Harry Hart: Some more examples of young men who simply need a silver suppository?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, they’re exceptions. Come on.Harry Hart: Nonsense, we haven’t finished our drinks.[Rottweiler and his thugs come over to their table]Poodle: After you nicked his car, Dean says you’re fair game. And he don’t give a shit what your mum says.Harry Hart: Um, listen, boys. I’ve had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is, and I’m sure it’s well founded, I’d appreciate it enormously if you could just leave us in peace until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness.

Rottweiler: You should get out of the way, Granddad, or you’ll get hurt a lot.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: He ain’t joking, you should go.[Harry places his glass on table, then gets up to leave]Harry Hart: Excuse me. Excuse me.Poodle: If you’re looking for another rent boy, they’re on the corner of Smith’s Street.

[Harry walks over to the front door and starts locking it]Harry Hart: Manners maketh man. Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.[with the hook of his umbrella, he grabs a glass and swings it at Rottweiler’s head and knocks him out]Harry Hart: Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?[as one of the thugs goes to punch Harry, he moves his head and Poodle gets punched instead knocking his teeth out, then Harry proceeds to swiftly beat the rest of the thugs when suddenly Rottweiler pulls out his gun and starts shooting at Harry who uses his umbrella to deflect the bullets]Rottweiler: You fucking dirty…fucking dirty…[he runs out of bullets, Harry then uses his umbrella to knock him out, then just as the bar owner is about to call the police, Harry uses an “Amnesia” dart to knock him out]

[after knocking out all the thugs Harry goes back to sit down and finishes his drink]Harry Hart: Sorry about that. Needed to let off a little steam. Heard yesterday a friend of mine died. He knew your father too, actually. Now, I do apologize, Eggsy. I shouldn’t have done this in front of you.[Harry goes to use his watch to release the amnesia dart on Eggsy]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, please. I won’t say nothing, I swear. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s keep my mouth shut.Harry Hart: You won’t tell a soul?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Ask the feds, I’ve never grassed anyone up.Harry Hart: Is that a promise?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: On my life![Harry looks at him for a moment before lowering his arm]Harry Hart: Much appreciated, Eggsy. You’re right about the snobs. But there too, there are exceptions. Best of luck with everything.[he pats Eggsy on the shoulder, picks up his umbrella and walks out of the pub]

[Dean grabs hold of Eggsy’s throat]Dean: Who was with you in that fucking pub? I want to know the name of the geezer you was with!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I was not with no one![Dean slaps him]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re on about![Dean slaps him again]Dean: Who was he?!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about![Dean slaps him again]Dean: Fucking tell me his name!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about!

[as Dean carries on abusing Eggsy, Harry overhears the struggle through a mic that he placed on Eggsy’s shoulder]Dean: You listen to me, I want to know who you was with in that pub. Do you Understand? I want to know his fucking name![Harry hears as Dean hits Eggsy again]Dean: I swear, I’ll rip your head off!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I don’t know what you’re fucking on about!Dean: Tell me!Michelle Unwin: Just tell him, Eggsy![Dean picks up a knife and shoves it in Michelle’s face]Dean: Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle!

[threatening Eggsy with the knife]Dean: I could kill you right now and no one in the whole world will know it![suddenly Harry’s voice is heard]Harry Hart: But I would. I have enough evidence on your activities to have you locked up for the rest of your life, Mr. Dean Anthony Baker.Dean: What the fuck?!Harry Hart: So I suggest you leave the boy alone or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities. Eggsy, meet me at the tailor I told you about.Dean: What the fuck’s going on here?![Eggsy rushes out of the apartment where he runs into Dean’s thugs]Rottweiler: Eggsy, you fucking maggot. [more thugs come up to grab Eggsy when he quickly evades them]Rottweiler: You wanker! I’ll have you done!

[Eggsy enters the Kingsman tailor shop where he finds Harry sat having a drink]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’ve never met a tailor before. But I know you ain’t one.[Harry finishes his drink]Harry Hart: Come with me.[Harry takes Eggsy to the back room and stands by the large mirror]Harry Hart: Come on in.[Eggsy stands next to Harry looking at himself in the mirror]Harry Hart: What do you see?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on.Harry Hart: I see a young man with potential. A young man who is loyal. Who can do as he’s asked, and who wants to do something good with his life.

Harry Hart: Did you see the film “Trading Places”?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No.Harry Hart: How about “Nikita”?[Eggsy shakes his head]Harry Hart: “Pretty Woman”?[Eggsy looks at him with confusion]Harry Hart: Alright. My point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path, but you needn’t stay on it. If you’re prepare to adapt and learn, you can transform.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Oh, like in “My Fair Lady”.Harry Hart: You’re full of surprises. Yes, like “My Fair Lady”. Only in this case, I am offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: A tailor?Harry Hart: A Kingsman agent.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Like a spy?Harry Hart: Of sorts. Interested?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You think I’ve got anything to lose?[Harry places his hand on the mirror, which activates the elevator taking them to the secret tunnel]

[as the elevator takes them to them underground to the secret tunnel]Harry Hart: Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world’s most powerful individuals. By 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going un-inherited, and a lot of powerful men with a desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our other venture. An independent, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Above the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organizations. The suit is a modern gentleman’s armor, and the Kingsman agents are the new knights.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How deep does this fucking thing go?Harry Hart: Deep enough.

[as they reach the bottom of the tunnel there’s a shuttle waiting for them and takes them to a massive mansion in the country]Harry Hart: Shit, we’re late.[as they get off the shuttle and make their way Eggsy looks in awe at the massive station holding planes, cars, etc.]Harry Hart: Your father had the same look on his face. As did I. Come on.

[Harry walks through a corridor where Merlin is waiting]Merlin: Galahad.[explains to Eggsy]Harry Hart: My code name.Merlin: Late again, sir.[to Eggsy]Harry Hart: Good luck.Merlin: In you go.[Eggsy enters the room where the other recruits are gathered]

Merlin: Fall in.[Eggsy and the other recruits stand to attention]Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot. Can anybody tell me what this is?[he holds up a wrapped plastic bag, the other recruits put up their hands and Merlin points to one of them]Merlin: Yes?Charlie: Body bag, sir.Merlin: Correct. Charlie, isn’t it?Charlie: Yes, sir.Merlin: Good.

Merlin: In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. You will write your name on that bag. You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. This represents your acknowledgment of the risks that you’re about to face as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality. Which, incidentally, if you break, will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag. Is that understood?[Eggsy looks in confusion at the other recruits who nod]Merlin: Excellent. Fall out.[he turns and leaves]

[Eggsy goes to one of the beds in the room looking around in confusion]Roxy: Roxanne. But call me Roxy.[they shake hands]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: I’m Eggsy.Roxy: “Eggy”?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, “Eggsy.”[Charlie interrupts them]Charlie: Eggy? And where did they dig you up?Roxy: You know we’re not allowed to discuss who proposed us.Digby: No need to bite his head off. Charlie’s only making conversation, right, Charlie?Charlie: Hm.

Digby: I’m Digby.[Eggsy shakes his hand]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Digby.Digby: Eggy, this is Rufus. Rufus, Eggy.[Eggsy shakes Rufus’s hand]Rufus: So, Eggy, are you Oxford or Cambridge?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Neither.Charlie: Saint Andrews?Digby: Durham?Rufus: No, wait, I think we may have met. Did you serve me at the McDonald’s in Winchester service station?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: No, but if I had, I’d have given you an extra helping of secret sauce.Charlie: It’s definitely Saint Andrews.[they snicker and Eggsy turns away from them]Roxy: Just ignore them.

[looking at a photo of a stitched up body of Lancelot]Valentine: Great. You don’t know, the CIA don’t know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it’s fine. Well, it’s not really fine, but it’s not why I’m here.[he chuckles]Valentine: Hell, man, you know me. Money’s not my issue. I could’ve retired straight out of MIT, fucked off to some island, let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of study, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won’t solve this. Those idiots who call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but reelection. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really want to make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I’m about to tell it to you.[we see Valentine is sat talking to the President in the White House]President: Go on, Mr. Valentine. I’m still listening.Valentine: As long as you agree to all my terms.

[Eggsy swims over to the door and tries to open it but fails, he then swims to the mirror on the opposite side of the room and smashes it, releasing the water into the next room where Merlin was overseeing them]Merlin: Congratulations on completing your first task. Charlie, Roxy, well done. For those of you who are still confused, if you can get a breathing tube around a U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply. Simple physics, worth remembering. Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.Charlie: He’s probably seen enough of them.Merlin: Yeah, you can all wipe those smirks off your faces. Because as far as I’m concerned, every single one of you has failed. You all forgot the most important thing. Teamwork.[he points to the dead body of Amelia left in their room]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: So much for classic army technique.

[Harry waits for Arnold as he enters his lecture theater]Professor Arnold: Hello. Can I help you?Harry Hart: Yes, I have a question about anthropogenic force.[Arnold looking pleased chuckles]Professor Arnold: Oh. Really? Well, it’s actually quite fascinating.[as Arthur walks over to the blackboard suddenly Harry grabs him by the throat]Harry Hart: My colleague died trying to rescue you, and I’m sure you saw how well trained he was, so I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go.Professor Arnold: I have no idea what you’re talking…[Harry slaps him hard in the face]Professor Arnold: I’m not supposed to say it, but it was…[he starts yelling in pain]Harry Hart: Oh, for God’s sake. I’ve barely touched you. Oh, man up![suddenly Arnold’s head explodes, Harry looking disorientated sees two thugs in the room pointing their guns at him, so Harry detonates a grenade before jumping out the window]

[after finding out that Arnold’s head implant had been activated due to Harry’s interrogation]Valentine: Fuck that guy, whoever he is. I’m gonna… He made me kill Professor Arnold. I Goddamn loved Professor Arnold.Gazelle: Well, the good news is we know the emergency and surveillance system work.Valentine: You know what’s not good news?[imitates Harry’s British accent]Valentine: “My colleague died!” That’s what he said! This is an organization, and they’re all over us. Whoever you spoke to… Gazelle: I told you, I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad and Beijing. They all insist he wasn’t one of theirs.Valentine: Beijing. So freaky how there’s no recognizable name for the Chinese secret service. Now, that’s what you call a secret, right? You know what? Fuck it. We need to speed things up. Bring the product release forward.Gazelle: We’re only halfway into production, and speeding it will cost a fortune.Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck? Just get it done.

[addressing the recruits]Merlin: As some of you will have learned last night, teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. We’re here to enhance your skills, test you to the limit. Which is why you’re gonna pick a puppy.[we see puppies in cages placed in front of the recruits]Merlin: Wherever you go, your dog goes. You will care for it, you will teach it, and by the time it’s fully trained, so will you be. Those of you who are still here, that is. Do you understand?[the recruits nods in acknowledgment]Merlin: Choose your puppy.

[Harry is lying on a hospital bed, unconscious and hooked up to monitors]Merlin: His MRI shows no signs of concussion. No direct brain trauma at all. Arthur: How much longer can he be out?Merlin: That’s the million-dollar question. We don’t know what he was exposed to in there.Arthur: What about Harry’s footage? It didn’t stream to his home terminal. Merlin: Encrypted and uncrackable. If and when he comes around, you might want to have a word with him about sharing his password.[Eggsy enters the room]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Is he gonna be alright?Merlin: We need to have patience, Eggsy. But there’s hope, okay? If I were you, I’d concentrate on your training. Make it through the tests. Make him proud.

[Eggsy is woken up in the middle of the night by Charlie and his friends throwing water on him]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Water![Charlie and his friends laugh]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, then!Roxy: Eggsy, forget it!Charlie: Oh, what’s wrong, mate? You can’t take a joke?[to Eggsy trying to calm him down]Roxy: Seriously, you’ll get thrown out, and it’s just not worth it.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Maybe I don’t give a fuck if I get kicked out!Charlie: Do it. Come on, you pleb.Roxy: Charlie, fuck off!Charlie: Aw.[he turns and walks away]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yeah, go on, walk away. Dickhead.[picks up J.B.]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on, J.B. Come on, good boy.

[we see Harry waking up from his coma; we see the recruits sitting for an exam]Merlin: You have exactly one hour to complete the test, starting now.[we see the recruits on a late night stakeout in the woods]Charlie: New target, eight hundred meters. You know, it’s unbelievable. You’re still here, lingering like some big steaming shit that just won’t flush.[as Eggsy is looking through his rifle lens]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roger that. Target identified. And how about you shut the fuck up?Charlie: Positive discrimination, that’s what it is. It’s like those fucking state school kids who get into Oxford on “C” grades cause their mum is a one-legged lesbian.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: You don’t know fuck all about my grades.Charlie: Oh, forgive me, I’m sure you’re highly educated. Fire when ready.[Eggsy shoots and hits the target]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: How’s that for positive discrimination?

[Valentine and Gazelle meet with the Scandinavian Princess Tilde and the Swedish Prime Minister for dinner]Valentine: I want to thank you both for listening, and I really, really appreciate you traveling all this way, Your Royal Highness. And you, too, Prime Minister.Swedish Prime Minister: I think this is quite brilliant. It’s absolutely brilliant.[he chuckles]Princess Tilde: You are completely crazy.[Tilde starts speaking in anger in Swedish to the Prime Minister, as she gets up to leave suddenly Gazelle pushes her back down into her seat]Princess Tilde: Don’t touch…!Valentine: Sorry, Your Royal Highness. But you’ve got a big role to play in getting the Scandinavian region back on track. You’re popular, inspirational, and you have the power to galvanize the people. Now, whether you’re on board or not, I’m going to have to insist on getting you somewhere I can ensure your safety.

Valentine: How about you, Prime Minister? You in or out?Swedish Prime Minister: Well, I think it’s about time that a politician did something that, uh…actually made a difference.Valentine: Too true.Princess Tilde: What…?[to Gazelle]Princess Tilde: Take her away.[speaking Swedish to the Prime Minister as Gazelle takes her away]Valentine: Drink?Swedish Prime Minister: Why not?[as they hear Tilde screaming for help to her bodyguards]Valentine: Don’t worry. No harm will come to the princess.Swedish Prime Minister: Well, I’m a republican anyway, so it…it really doesn’t matter.[they both laugh; to Gazelle]Bodyguard: Release the princess![Gazelle kills the guards with her prosthetic legs as Tilda watches in horror]

[Eggsy enters with J.B. into Harry’s recovery room]Harry Hart: Ever heard of knocking?Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Only when I’m casing a place to rob. Merlin said you wanted to see me.[J.B. starts to bark]Harry Hart: I hope J.B.’s training is going as well as yours is.[to J.B.]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sit.[J.B. sits]Harry Hart: Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. Your test results were even better than I could’ve hoped.[there’s a knocking on door]Harry Hart: Come in.[Merlin enters]Merlin: Oh…Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. You’re dismissed.Harry Hart: Nonsense. Let him observe. Might learn a thing or two.Merlin: As you wish.

Merlin: Take a look at this.[Merlin shows them the footage taken from Harry’s glasses as he was grabbing hold of Arnold and his head exploded]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fucking hell! That is rank, Harry. You blew up his head? It’s a bit much, ain’t it?Merlin: Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. Here, under the scar.Harry Hart: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?Merlin: Fortunately, yes. Unfortunately, the IP address I traced it to is registered to the Valentine Corporation.[Merlin brings up a profile of Valentine on the screen]Harry Hart: That’s not much of a lead. He has millions of employees worldwide.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: That Richmond Valentine is a genius.[both Harry and Merlin look at Eggsy]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Did you not see his announcement today?Merlin: No.

[Eggsy takes Merlin’s tablet and keys in the information to bring up the footage of Valentine’s latest announcement]Valentine: We each spend on average two thousand dollars of the a year on cell phone and internet usage. It gives me great pleasure to announce those days are over. As of tomorrow, every man, woman and child can claim a free SIM card, compatible with any cell phone, any computer, and utilize my communications network for free. Free calls, free Internet for everyone. Forever.[Merlin takes the tablet from Eggsy after which Harry takes it from Merlin and closes up on Valentine’s assistant who has the implant scar on her neck]Harry Hart: Valentine’s assistant has the same implant scar. I think Mr. Valentine and I should have a tête-à-tête.Merlin: He’s having a gala dinner next week, I’ll get you an invitation. You need to be careful, though. Since you’ve been out, hundreds of VIPs have gone missing. No ransom notes, exactly like Professor Arnold.Harry Hart: Then I suggest you make my alias somebody worth kidnapping.

[the remaining recruits are on their latest test mission waiting to be dropped out of a plane]Roxy: Fuck, fuck, fuck.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: What, don’t like heights?Roxy: Yeah, it’s okay. I’ve done it before, which is probably why, come to think of it.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Hey, it’s gonna be alright. You’re top of the class.[over speakers]Merlin: Listen up. Your mission is to land in the target without the radar detecting you. If I read you on the radar or you miss the target, you go home. Is that understood? Drop zone coming up, twenty seconds.

[to Roxy]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We got to go.[the recruits stand to get ready to jump out of the plane]Roxy: Eggsy, I really don’t think I can do this.Charlie: Of course you can’t. Head to the back and I’ll show you how, yeah?[Charlie and the other two recruits go ahead of them and jump out of the plane]Charlie: Come on![as Eggsy and Roxy are about to jump out]Roxy: Eggsy! Eggsy, wait! Hang on!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roxy, just stop fucking about! Follow me, yeah?[Eggsy jumps out of the plane]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Come on![over radio as Roxy still hesitates to jump]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Roxy, it’s now or never. Jump![Roxy jumps out of the plane and catches up with the other recruits as they float to the ground]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Good girl, Rox. I’m glad you made it!

[as the recruits are all messing about in the air]Merlin: My, my, you’re all very cheerful. Did you really think it was gonna be that straightforward? Any idiot can read a heads-up display. A Kingsman agent needs to be able to solve problems under pressure. Like what to do when one of your group has no parachute.[he chuckles to himself as he watches them on the monitor]Roxy: What? No parachute?!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit!Roxy: Who?!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!Charlie: Which one?Rufus: What do we do?!

[to the recruits as they are all panicking and heading straight to the ground]Merlin: I told you. Aim for the target, come in under the radar. And I hope not to be scraping one of you up. But if I do have to, and you’re inside the target, please know I’ll be very impressed.Rufus: Fuck!Roxy: Oh, shit!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Everybody listen, I’ve got a plan! Pair off! Grab the closest person to them.[Eggsy is closest to Rufus]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus, come on!Rufus: Oh, fuck!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus!Rufus: Oh, shit! I can’t![Rufus panics and pulls his parachute which opens]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck!Rufus: Oh, thank God.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rufus, you wanker!

Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit, we’re an odd number now! Quick, make a circle!Charlie: Fuck, he’s right! Boys, let’s do it.[they all grab each other’s hands]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: We pull our cords one by one! When we know who’s fucked, the person on their right grabs them.Roxy: Okay, Eggsy.[as he watches their progress back at the headquarters]Merlin: Good plan, Eggsy. You have thirty seconds. Come on now, hurry.Digby: Me first![he pulls his parachute which opens pulling away from the group]Digby: Oh, fuck! Yes!

[as their altitude is getting lower and lower]Hugo: Okay, me next.[he pulls his parachute and it opens pulling away from the group]Hugo: See you on the ground, boys.Charlie: Now me![Charlie pulls his parachute and it opens]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Fuck! Roxy, no matter what happens now, I’ve got you, alright?Merlin: Okay, Eggsy.[they hold each other’s hands]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Yours first, okay?Roxy: Yep. Hang on![Eggsy attaches himself to her]

[Merlin watches from headquarters as they get dangerously close to the ground and accidentally drops his cup of coffee]Roxy: Oh, shit![Eggsy pulls Roxy’s parachute and it opens]Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Shit![Eggsy barely manages to hold on to Roxy’s legs as they fall]Roxy: Shit!Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Rox!Roxy: Fuck.[they finally both manage to land inside the target on the ground]

[Merlin gathers the recruits after everyone has landed on the ground]Merlin: Hugo, Digby. You don’t land in the K, you’re not in the K. Rufus, you opened too soon. You were all over the radar. All three of you, pack your bags, go home.[the three walk off]Merlin: Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. You set a new record. Opening at three hundred feet, that’s pretty ballsy. Well done for completing another task. Fall out.Gary ‘Eggsy’ Unwin: Sorry, sir. But why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? Am I the expendable candidate?Merlin: No, no, no. You don’t talk to me like that. You have a complaint, you come here and you whisper it in my ear.[Eggsy walks over to him and Merlin leans towards him]Merlin: You need to take that chip off your shoulder.[then he suddenly pulls his parachute and it opens]

[Harry goes undercover to Valentine’s estate, he knocks on the door and Valentine opens it]Valentine: Mr. DeVere. It’s a pleasure to meet you.Harry Hart: I’m awfully sorry. I seem to have my dates muddled up.Valentine: Oh, no, no, no. I canceled the gala because of you. Anybody willing to donate that much deserves their own dinner. Come in.Harry Hart: Thank you.[he enters into Valentine’s house]Valentine: Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you. There aren’t many billionaires I don’t know.Harry Hart: I don’t doubt it.Valentine: And, obviously, I had my people look into your affairs, and that’s some pretty old money you’re from. How’d your folks make it?Harry Hart: Property, mostly. Property and the markets. Nothing questionable, if that’s your concern.Valentine: Ah, look, I’m just into finding out what caliber person you are. I’m sure you understand that.Harry Hart: I most certainly do.

[Valentine leads Harry to the dining room]Valentine: Hope you’re hungry.Harry Hart: I’m famished.Valentine: Good. Grab a seat.[Gazelle enters with the food trolley and opens it to reveals Big Mac meals]Harry Hart: I’ll have the Big Mac, please.Valentine: Great choice! But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce. Goes great with this ’45 Lafite. Harry Hart: A classic pairing. And may I suggest Twinkies and a 1937 Château d’Yquem for pudding?Valentine: I like it.

Valentine: So, you want to donate to my foundation. You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right?Harry Hart: Climate change is a threat which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. And you’re one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns.Valentine: No, I shut things down because I wasn’t getting anywhere. Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.Harry Hart: That carbon emissions are a red herring and that we’re past the point of no return, no matter what remedial actions we take.[Valentine laughs]Valentine: Oh, you know your shit. Harry Hart: I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their…shit. As Professor Arnold always said, “Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host’s fragile mortality.”Valentine: You know, not a lot of people knew about him.

Valentine: You like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?Harry Hart: Nowadays they’re all a little serious for my taste. But the old ones…marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.Valentine: The old Bond movies![he chuckles]Valentine: Oh, man! Oh, when I was a kid, that was my dream job: gentleman spy.Harry Hart: I always felt the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.Valentine: What a shame we both had to grow up.[he laughs softly and holds up his burger]Valentine: Bon appétit.

[later Valentine escorts Harry out as he leaves]Valentine: Just give me a couple of days to think over your proposal. I’ll have my people get in touch with yours, and it’s all good.Harry Hart: And thank you for such a…happy meal.[Valentine smiles and Harry leaves]Gazelle: Well, want me to follow him?Valentine: Nah. I put a nano tracker gel in the wine. We’ll know his every move for the next 24 hours. Finally find out who he works for.

[Harry meets with Arthur]Harry Hart: Valentine didn’t let me out of his sight. All I got was this on the way in.[he shows Arthur the footage shot with his glasses showing one of Valentine’s aides carry a pamphlet]Harry Hart: South Glade Mission Church is a hate group based in Kentucky. FBI have been monitoring them for years.Arthur: But you think Valentine is a supporter?Harry Hart: No evidence yet of a direct connection, but I’ll keep looking.Arthur: Oh, by the way, our ever-growing list of missing persons now includes Scandinavian royalty. Royal Crown Princess Tilde.

[we see Tilde being held captive in an underground facility]Swedish Prime Minister: Just let me out, you psycho!Valentine: I told you, you’re free to go any time you want, as long as you agree to my conditions.Swedish Prime Minister: I don’t agree, and I am never, ever going to agree!Valentine: Tough shit.[Valentine closes the hatchet on the prison door]Valentine: Bitch.News Reporter:[voice] The list of missing celebrities and dignitaries has continued to grow in recent weeks, and world leaders are coming under increasing pressure to provide answers. we see the Swedish Prime Minister being interviewedSwedish Prime Minister: We are doing everything in our power to find Princess Tilde. You know, governments and security forces worldwide are working together to find the person behind these abductions.News Reporter:[voice] In other news, people all over the world continue to wait in line day and night to get their free SIM cards.