Letters I'll Never Send

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I’m 21 years old, and I’m the caretaker of my grandmother who has dementia. Her memory is so deteriorated that she doesn’t even know who I am anymore… Every so often she asks me why I’m not married or why I’m not in a relationship. Granted, she lived in a time where you got married sooner, but it’s even odd that I’ve never been in a relationship at 21 years old. She just looks at me and says, “You know, you don’t really have the looks, and as you get older you’re only going to get uglier, so I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” Even though she’s not in a good mental state anymore, she’s completely right… I’ve always been the ugly girl. In grade school, I got beaten up everyday because everyone thought I was ugly. And even though as I got older, the beating stopped, but it didn’t get better. I’ve never been on a date, never been asked out, I was alone for every high school dance, never called pretty. As a sophomore in college, I was actually raped, but even though I’m over it, I still think, I should be grateful that that happened because I will never have a man give me physical attention when I actually want it and would consent to it. Even now, I have friends who have told me, “Guys just don’t see anything special about you. You’re just kind of there. They don’t see you.” I’ve had guy friends tell me, “Guys just don’t see you in that way. You’re not a girlfriend kind of girl.” This past summer I went to a wedding, and I couldn’t help but feel so sad because as the bride and groom were dancing together as husband and wife for the first time, I couldn’t help but think, “I will never have that.” I try to be honest with myself. Love isn’t meant for ugly girls like me.

I almost cried when you wrote you should be grateful for being raped. No woman/girl deserves that. It’s a violation of the worst kind, and no-one, not even yourself, should view it as that low life scum “doing you a favour”.

I’m horrified too that your friends told you no guy sees anything special about you. What kind of friends are they? They should be helping you see what is special about you. You sound responsible, reliable, brave and strong. There are not many people who can handle being a carer. They just can’t, they’re too selfish. It requires a lot of sacrifice, love, patience, loyalty and strength.

Guys have said you’re not girlfriend material? What a load of shit. You absolutely are. What they are saying is you’re not trophy fuck material.

I do think that when you start to see and appreciate what is special about you, it will start to shine through. As you get older, those qualities will be what people will notice about you.

In the meantime, go and have a makeover or something. Do something for yourself that will make you feel appreciated and more confident. With your responsibilities, it sounds like you don’t. You need to, you deserve to.