House of Lords to publish own tabloid newspaper

The newsagent shelves will be slightly more crowded from Monday, when the House of Lords new tabloid newspaper is launched. Bullishly advertised as 'The only paper that can bring you ALL the news', it will specialise in breaking super-injunctions under the protection of parliamentary privilege.

"Shortly after Lord Stoneham made his statement that we aren't interested in the intricate details of the sex lives of celebrities, we realised that we actually are interested. Very interested indeed. Especially if there are photos", explained Lord Letching of Clump. "And we also realised we were in a position where we could break the stories that other papers are banned from reporting."

The Ermine Star will feature some other unique appeals. Lightly scented with lavender, the paper is rich in starch, to allow it to be ironed more easily by one's staff. The sports pages will bring a unique insight into the world of Polo, Quiots and Short Tennis, while Lord Prescott will print a word puzzle each day, although not always intentionally.

"When you think about it, there's a lot of similarities between politicians and journalists," bellowed Lord Lamburger of Bluster. "We both spend a lot of time in bars, and we share an interest in fiddling our expenses. And the public hate both groups: let's not forget that."

There is one drawback for the new red-top, though. For legal reasons, the paper must be read aloud cover-to-cover in the House of Lords before distribution. This means the paper will not be available at weekends, during the Summer, over Christmas or before 11.30am.