Background: I used to supervise our work study students. To alleviate some of my workload, my director removed that duty from me and gave it to Annoying Coworker. Every year, before finals start, we have a Christmas lunch to thank the work study students for their time.

Two weeks ago Annoying Coworker sent out an email listing the date and time of the lunch. It was scheduled for today. I had an appointment today (that I had scheduled weeks prior) that I could not cancel so I emailed her and said that I would not be able to attend.

Well, I returned from my appointment a few minutes ago and she stopped me at my desk and said the following:

"I think you were very rude not to attend the work study luncheon. It's like you're telling them you don't appreciate them."

What?! Thankfully, I did not JADE. I simply said nothing and stared at her for a few minutes before she stomped off to her own office. When she left I did this .

I was sorely tempted to say "I didn't realize your invitation was a summons". I didn't; but I reallllllllly wanted to.

I would not say "An invitation is not a summons" to a work function that I was involved in.I might say "Cow-irker, I would have liked to attend, but you didn't clear the date with me and I had a long scheduled appointment at that time."

I agree that you didn't need to JADE when she confronted you, and it appears to not be her role to monitor how you show your appreciation to the students.

Two questions to make sure I have the full picture: First, what was the date and tone of your response to the invitation? Was it a short 'can't make it - have another appointment' at the last minute, or was is it a warm 'sorry I'll miss it - so glad I'll have a chance to still see them before the holiday' sent promptly? Second, how is the attendance of the other 'thanking' staff? Is this something that is poorly attended by the organization's representives?

I email I sent was dated two weeks before the date of the party so she had plenty of notice that I wouldn't be attending. This party is a "come if you can" type of party. Since many of the others in the office are professors they may be teaching at the time of the party. I wanted to make sure I wasn't included in the food count when she was ordering. I also copied my director so he would know as well.

I worded the email to the effect of "I'm sorry I can't attend, but I have an appointment I can't cancel. Enjoy." It wasn't effusive, but definitely polite. The students are still here since the semester doesn't end until the second week of December. I always get the students a small gift to thank them for the work they specifically did for me. Others in the office do the same thing.

This hits on one of my gripes - Schools should schedule things like this before the begining of the semester. Especially for things happening between Thanksgiving and New Years. We are constantly getting slammed with mandatory events at short notice and we have family and school events conflicting. It is very annoying when I checked the dates on the school calendar and it was clear. I tell my cousins/sister X date will work for me - only to find out that now it is math and reading night.