Healthy Relationships

There are some prevalent conflicting views that undermine healthy, stable relationships. The first is that relationships are generally unstable and that young people marrying face a high chance of divorce. The truth is that stable relationships are a choice. The choice to form stable relationships starts in dating. If a person chooses to base their relationship on desperation and emotional hunger than they will “take what they can get” rather than carefully build a strong, long-lasting bond. Another negative idea that undermines relationships is the confusion between sex and love. When attraction and pleasure are mistaken for love in the early phase of a relationship then there is less incentive to continue working on and adding to the relationship to make it stronger. Love partially develops after a long trial period during which many responses to different situations show that the well-being of self is a lower priority than the well-being of the spouse or significant other. The other part of love is the development of a feeling of care and concern in oneself for another person that overrides the interest in self preservation.

Love is sequentially expressed when people allow closeness either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Therefore, physical intimacy is not the only way to express and feel love. Closeness happens when a person allows another person to enter their personal space or see their internal thoughts and feelings. People need to feel comfortable and safe before any kind of intimacy is possible. A slow progression towards closeness allows feelings of comfort and safety to develop naturally. A very basic level of closeness includes talking with another person and being in the same room with them. This develops into a more intimate connection when the communication allows small insights into the inner thoughts of a person and more physical contact is tolerated like holding hands. Further developments are measured in increased transparency and more physical contact. However the rate of increased contact must be carefully controlled to allow feelings of comfort and safety to develop naturally. A full spectrum of activities done together (sometimes called dating) communicate to your partner that you care about them. These activities must continue in married life as evidence of the love that exists between you. When they cease to exist, the marriage falls into disrepair and communication must be reopened on a more basic level of closeness. Sexual intimacy is less fulfilling for both men and women if underlying levels of closeness aren’t healthy and stable. Accumulated anger and resentment will form a barrier to closeness and must be aired out, expressed and forgiven. It is important to seek professional help if the barriers to intimacy cannot be resolved between two people through honest communication.

It is possible to prepare for and plan to form healthy relationships. We prepare by learning to serve others. In a healthy relationship the emphasis is on other people’s needs and they in turn fill our needs. We can prepare to be needed. This entails being open to feelings of care and concern for others and being willing to act on these feelings. It is possible to want to love each other. We can also prepare to be inconvenienced. The truth is that relationships require work and are not always going to fit into a convenient time frame. Healthy relationships are flexible and enduring because they place a high priority on enduring any inconvenience.

Watch this YouTube about a book inspired by healthy relationships. I’m not endorsing this particular book but I honor people who are articulating the aspects of healthy relationships.

In Texas we say: A woman’s heart is like a campfire. If you don’t tend to it regular, you’ll soon lose it