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Tuesday, 29 January 2013

This year I am consciously choosing to start reawakening and honouring those aspects of my pre-mama self that truly I shouldn't, yet inevitably, have forgotten. My loose hope and suspicion is that if I feel more myself I can let more positivity flow through me, get a little closer to reaching my full potential and let the children start to see who I truly am. It was all to easy to forget myself these last five years. I question weather I love myself enough to project the enormity of love I have inside for my children outwards, I really do.

I recently bought my first deck of oracle cards having been curious for years just waiting for the time to be right and for the first time in I don't know how many years I put out a quartz wand to charge in the light of the full moon the other night. I bought an earth based almanac calendar and want to seriously learn how to read astrology charts which I have dabbled halfheartedly in for years.

Little by little, awaken, unfurl.

And my dreams lately, so vivid, have been dominated by the Moon - full, blindingly pearlescent & powerful, by Ancestors - generic & beautiful and by Nature - apple blossoms, apple blossom/rose hybrids to be precise. I have never liked to read too much into anything lest I might interfere with .... I don't know what, but I make sure to notice, acknowledge, tip my hat and I sit with these images and let them permeate my consciousness with the belief that wisdom and inspiration will come. But is it time for a little more I wonder. I forget this is my life as well as theirs. How will they remember me when they are grown?

Me and the girl started preparing for Imbolc today. I can't tell you how excited I am by the whispers of light and warmth and confirmation that the wheel does keep turning, that after dark there is light.

We made bread packed with the promise of sunflower seeds and cakes full of tasty treats for the birds to hang in trees ...

This festival will be a homely one, no big gatherings this time. There will be fire and food, spring dolls and animals made from straw and a walk along the river. Selfishly I want time for myself to spend gently and intentionally reawakening some more.

Monday, 28 January 2013

A day of job applications for me here today. Normally something I'd pull faces at and put off in favour of something more exotic but I have blocked this time out for me and me alone. I've turned countless friends down and lunch with my Mama at her new job but today is turning out to be wholesome in it's own way. How far I have come to think on a day of such admin as me time but with a bowl of organic tomato soup steaming beside me, endless cups of herbal tea and chilled beats wrapping me in comforting sound I have found sanctuary, head space, quiet, time.

I have stopped for lunch and found beauty and inspiration from other mama's in the ether and I have promised myself that if I finish all my applications with time to spare before the school and nursery run I will take a solitary trip to Cambridge's Walking With Women exhibition.

Sanctuary is scattered and inconsistent once you have children but a true blessing when it does find you. With the full moon making for an exhausting emotional weekend with the kids I am so very glad monday (moonday) hails a change. Hopefully I will float into the playground on a cloud this afternoon, with vibrations of calm the children can feed off.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

There is a place not on any map
It is called Wits End
It is somewhere I frequent often
Usually after driving round and round
the bend.

It isn't locked in on the sat nav
and there isn't anything there
nothing much worth seeing
except fresh air and a drop of despair

It's a place I sit and think
It's a place that I feel pity
For my kids that I just couldn't control myself
instead I flipped my lid

I wish it would disappear from my subconsciousness
Then maybe I'd never take that turn
disappear deep into some otherworldly mists
Then my kids love I'd never spurn.

They say it's like walking down a street
where you know there is a deep deep hole
At first it's nothing important and you just don't seem to care
But after repeatedly falling in you start to notice in your soul

Notice before you get there
take a step or two to the side
then eventually one day whilst they are driving me mad
I'll realise I have no need to hide.

One day I see myself counting to ten
Or doing a silly dance
Taking a deep breath and smiling
Saying everything I feel in a glance.

Raw unedited feelings and words interest me so this is yesterday evening raw, slept on and unedited. Maybe I'll play with it later, maybe not.

Because I am not super human

Because I am not super human there are no clean clothes; I've not done any washing for days possibly weeks and I don't want to do any today.

Because I am not superhuman I'm not sure I can be bothered to clear away the dinner things and leave the kitchen sparkling for the next morning.

Because I am not super human the cupboards are bare, I have not been shopping again andI don't feel like cooking so we are eating beans on toast again.

Because I am not super human I am having withdrawal symptoms from giving up smoking.

Because I am not superhuman the house is a mess and I am too tired to clean.

Because I am not super human I am tired.

Because I am not super human I have shouted at my kids because a heap of stuff has got on top of me and their constant requests and petty squabbling have pushed all the wrong buttons.

Because I am human I make mistakes, say the wrong things.

Because I am human I sometimes feel disheartened at the struggle.

Because I am human I realise my struggles are nothing compared to those others face.

Because I am human I need a hug and some unconditional love despite all the above.

Yes I have done things today, things that are perpetual in motion; steps, however small, moving forwards, but in the face of all the housework and boring crap I came home to all I yearn for is a sacred space to curl up in, read, write, drink a cup of tea whilst it is still hot, indulge in the humble things I now regard as treats.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

The winter holidays were a welcome chance to shed the shackles of time. Nothing is sweeter than getting home from a night shift and snuggling with the bairns on the sofa instead of doing the crazy half hour turn around to school I normally get.

With no particular schedule to keep we've all enjoyed ignoring the clock, ignoring our phones, only noticing the strength of sunlight outside and weather our bellies are full or not.

I organised us well this year so that the eve before wasn't a stressful slog for Mama and Pa. Solstice we celebrated with like minded mamas and little ones, a big pot of soup and this holiday hotcake. We even managed a fire in the garden the day after.

Plenty of goodly gatherings with the wider family; food and games, wine and much less whining! I risk sounding all lollipops and rainbows when I say Christmas day itself was damn near perfect ... lots of stories, lots of puzzles, lots of peace, lots of films, lots of gratitude and a whole lotta love.

loved the festive view from my yoga mat ...

We wrote wishes for the coming season on muslin and tied them to our new apple tree so they may travel on the whispers of the wind. I made three wishes - for the earth, for a friend and for myself last. I explained to the children how wishing good for other things and people is important when wishing for ourselves and evidently they heard me as they chose theirs. Zander remembered that the last time we did this we burnt the wishes in the fire so the cinders would carry them on the breeze, but I thought it would be a nice way to bless the trees we just planted.

dusky tea parties in the garden ...

And nothing brought me more joy than spending New Years Eve at home with my babies and the Mr. I toyed with the idea of going out as I was not working but I am glad I didn't. Sometimes it is hard not to clutch at feint wisps and strands of our pre-children life, but really it is good to give into it, stop resisting. That feeling of being whole that I get when I have both babies hugged in tight is nothing I can get anywhere else.

Resistance is a reoccurring theme in my life I am realising. The negative ruts I get stuck in are perpetuated by my trying to resist things; a way of behaving or something maybe fate throws my way that I disagree with, plans she has for me that I am not reconciled with, assuming I know better. Resisting things is counterproductive I think, it seems to create friction and I am starting to see where I can use acceptance in it's place.

Not often am I beyond words, but this winter gift from Cliff ... it's undeniable beauty and perfection spoke softly but unmistakably ...

See how he knows you so well, see how he loves you. And as Oak itself knows and breathes longevity and strength, so do we, so can we, leave resistance behind Rose .... a whisper.

So here is to the slow unfurling of spring which the bulbs in my garden promise me will inevitably come.

On Monday, after the promised ten centimeters of snow fell the night before, I kept the kids off school and nursery even though school was open. We are not in the catchment area, a little way further and my car had absolutely zero petrol in it. I didn't want to risk it conking out before reaching a petrol station and stupidly I left the pushchair out the night it snowed. A fifty minute walk in the cold for my little ones .... and back that afternoon was not happening. Not on your nelly. I hear mother nature urging us to stay home, hunker down, reserve and preserve our energy and heat and in doing all this enrich the energy of the home. I hear her, louder and clearer each year and it is important to me that I teach my children to listen for her and her changing rhythms.

We didn't waste the day, we had a home ed day instead, using the same loose focus as school - toys of old. We all thrived with a focus, however loose and with the freedom to investigate where curiosity led us ... through time and space, in the loft, in and out of nature - making the obligatory snowman, embracing technology in the name of research. I've concluded from today that the children do not like my natural chaos, I think I may have to reign myself in a little.

We made a den - inspired by some advert I caught sight of the other day, satisfyingly simple. Having a den to share pots of tea, do puzzles, eat lunch and watch films in makes an ordinary day a festival! I was once told 'make every day a festival' ... but then wouldn't the novelty wane? It is making for a much cosier atmosphere, however long it lasts.

Also making me ponder at the moment is this; boys are as sacred as girls and as sensitive and thoughtful if my boy is anything to go by. But is it true that due to history, and how it has shaped and programmed society and its stereotypes, we treat them differently to girls, without thinking? Do we treat them less sensitively, insist they are braver, less emotional? Steve Bidulph suggests this in Raising Boys, which is a favourite read and I see it in myself I think. I do not like this and have the urge to work to change this unconsciousness within me.

And the girl, she's going to give me toothache one of these days with her sweetness ... at 5am Gaia had got herself up and snuck down to see if she could see that our snowman had come alive! And only yesterday she was telling me she wanted to make 'snow darlings' ... little angel!

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About Me

I am a nature loving mama blessed with two wee wildlings living in East Anglia, old land of the Iceni, in England.
I am a weaver of words, stitcher of stories and curious of thoughts. I write experientially, when it flows and needed a space to collate these things for myself and for friends. So here we are. Brew up a tea and make sure it’s a big slice of cake you have there before you sit down and read. Enjoy X