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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Everything is temporary, I wish I knew that back when I first started to think for myself, I learned it the hard way many times. Things Seem to come and go with me, I don’t know if it is a curse or just plain bad luck, Seems as if things are getting worse and worse as I age. I am 23 now, the first lesson I learned about Temporary was back in Elementary school, grade 5 to be exact.

I was a young kid only 10 years old, I don’t have the perfect family but it is all I have, it was a rough year for me not having many friends except one best friend who was one year older than me, I looked up to him and envied his family and his life, he seemed to have the perfect life, His name was Brad Viasin, Brad was a great kid, we seemed to do everything together and only lived a couple houses down and had this Huge house, it had 3 floors, a Sauna a swimming pool and a lot of stuff to play with. I went over there as much as I could cause at the time my Mom and Dad were going through a rough patch and I didn’t want to hear them fight, so I went to Brad’s house, and swam in his Pool, or just hung around with Brad. We went to the same school Brad and I and everyday at Recess and Lunch we would just Play on the playground and enjoy the time outside. Brad had other friends too so sometimes I just was by myself, I didn’t mind it though I liked being by myself (not anymore though).

One day I got a ride to school with my mom in May of 1997, I notice Brad hasn’t shown up to class, I ask my teachers wondering where he is, I start to worry, and couldn’t concentrate all class. After school my mom picks me up again, which is weird, though I didn’t think of it at the time, I was just happy I didn’t have to take the bus with all the other mean kids. I noticed we weren’t on the road to go home, mom was taking me somewhere else. I asked her “Mom where are we going?”

Mom Replied “I will tell you in a bit”

My mom didn’t sound like herself in the car that day she sounded different, sad. Tears started falling down her face, confused I ask her what is wrong.

She only Says, “Nothing son, I will tell you when we get to where we are going.”

She continues to cry.

We Pull into a parking lot, my mom Starts to talk but takes her a few minutes to gather her thoughts. Then with some effort she says: “Honey *sob* your Friend *sob* Brad is Very *sob* sick.”

I didn’t think nothing of it right then, Brad has been sick before, what is different this time? I ask my mom that, and with some more effort she says, “B-Brad is in the hospital sick with pneumonia, he may be with god soon.”

At the time our family still went to church every sunday, now I know it’s a bunch of Bullshit. Anyways back to the story at hand.

I being a 10 year old still oblivious to the fact that this is serious except for seeing my mom crying. We were at the hospital where Brad was staying. My mom and I exit the car and walk up to the big hospital doors, there were a lot of people in the hospital today, and the smell of the hospital is something I will never forget, it smelled like dying, though at the time I didn’t know what death smelled like, but it was one to remember but I couldn’t put my finger on it. As we were walking my mom continuing to cry, I notice a lot of old people, a lot older than mom, maybe older than my grandma sitting in wheelchairs, there are lots of people my moms age and younger in the hospital too, but not as many as older people. We enter a Huge Elevator big enough for 50 people, And we go up to the 3rd floor, and walk a little while.

This floor is different from the main floor, mostly kids here. We walk a little while until we come to a large room, I see Brad laying on a bed, he was hooked up to lots of tubes and stuff, I try to talk to him but there were too many tubes around for him to talk, all Brad could do was make this Mumbling sound like he was trying to say something but couldn’t, I hold his hand I continue to hear this steady beeping from one of the machines,

I just stood there and watch Brad disappear, the world stopped just for that second, and I was the only one in it. My 10 year old world came crashing down on me like falling bricks, nurses were rushing over to Brad to try and save him, they tried shocking his heart, but I knew in my mind my best friend, my only friend was gone… I passed out from the shock of the Loss. They couldn’t save him. That is when I first learned about everything being temporary.

That story is one of many, That is not the worst that has happened, or the least, It is smack dab in the middle of how I rank my losses. Now I stand here, a week before my 24th birthday, I come up here to think about the past and present. Next week their won’t be anyone shouting “Happy Birthday Elias, Have a great day!” maybe a few wall posts from people I don’t ever talk to because I hate them or we drifted apart, but those wall posts mean nothing to me, I Elias Fedorov has been alone ever since Brad Died. I stand here thinking if I should Jump or not, Every time I come up here I think that but never did it….

I am on the brink of depression the past few days have been making me think of what happened to Brad, and how it all started, but yesterday’s events top anything that has happened lately, I mean I can’t even wrap my head around it, it is so horrifying I am still in shock. Right now I will not go into details, tomorrow is another day and another time to think, Another time to feel like shit.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Everyone Makes Millions and Millions of choices everyday From when they wake up to when they go to bed, everyone has choices. How will I get up this morning, when will I get up, should I go to work today, should I shower, What should I have for Breakfast, Which shoes should I wear. All these Little choices shape our life, it doesn't matter how big or how little these choices are, every single one is important. If you didn't brush your teeth, it would affect your life significantly in the long run, it could lead down a path you may not want to go down, but you don't know that until you make the choice and then end up facing the consequences. Bigger choices such as choosing a car, or choosing a life partner, or choosing a home to live in for the rest of your life, they are just as important as the small daily choices we make, and impact our lives in a negative or positive way. I may be contradicting myself when I say no choice is a bad choice, there are positive and negative consequences for any choice we make.

Do we even really have these choices though, are these choices set out in stone? Or is it possible to force yourself down a different life path by making a choice that is not the one set out for you, and if you can do that what would happen? There are people living on the streets and homeless doing drugs and stealing to get money for the drugs, is this what was set for them in their life or was it a consequence of going out of the chosen path for them?

I recently made a choice that seems really big for me, I recently deleted and blocked a friend of 3 years whom I love, and will always love, but I felt upset every time I went to talk to her or check out her pictures, seeing her with her boyfriend (this is the same girl I walked about in my previous blog) I don't know if this was the right choice for me to do, or the wrong choice, I believe I just need to stay strong and move on.

I apologize but this blog is not that good, and It needs to be finished but I am unable to write anymore so here you go! :P

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

So today I took a trip to see someone who I have known for a few years but never had a chance to meet in person, a Person who I have Loved since day one, and never stopped.... She came to see me with her boyfriend because everything was planned all last min, so most of the time I just sat there silent cause I felt really awkward being around her who I just met in person and someone who I wasn't on planning on meeting also.... I feel like my love for her has grown b/c of this meeting and made it worse for me to spend the day trying to keep myself from getting upset. The day goes on and I am doing well, then I basically sobbed in the truck all the way back to the ferry where I said my goodbyes and Got a super long hug from this girl who I love.

So I have been Pondering lately do we get to choose the people we love? Do we choose the friends we have? Or does everything just happen? I know I can choose to be happy in the morning and I know that I control my Life as much as possible, But love? is it just a chemical reaction? I have felt love for a person for so long even if we didn't meet in person how is that a chemical reaction? I don't know how I can change how I feel about someone just like the snap of my fingers.... I wish that was possible, then I would feel like I am in control of who I love and who I want to be with. I guess these are questions everyone ponders at least once in their lifetime. I also ask myself why do I love her so much even though I can't have her, and is the fact that I can't have her fuelling this love? That if I have this one person finally I will feel differently about her and then everything will go to hell again?

There are a lot of unanswered questions here that I wish someone could answer for me, but I think I have to find these answers myself.... Love is almost as complicated at the Well sought after Meaning of life Question... There are many answers to all these questions, I just have to find the right one that will fit me. There are a lot more unanswered questions in my head but there are too many to post here. so I will leave it at that and will post another Blog soon.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hey Guys, This is my First Ever Blog so bare with me here. I guess I should Start By Introducing Myself.

My Name is Nick and I live in Burnaby BC Canada, My Life so far has been a crazy ride, I grew up in a small town and ended up getting Bullied Most of my High school Life, which was really hard especially since I was coded with autistic Tendencies, which made it really hard to get through life with that on my shoulder, I have dealt with a lot of Social problems, Unable to explain things well.. I had a hard time making friends I still do, and I have a hard time sticking up for myself so it was easy for people to pick on me. I didn't know who I was or how to act around people. I ended up watching how people act and started learning how to be liked and how to act with certain people, and do certain things... some people called me a tool for doing stuff other people have done but it was just my way of surviving life haha. To say the least I made a few friends that I really hold dear to me in High school because they are still around and care about me now... and I survived High school. After High school I was sick of living in the small town and to live in the City where my dad lives, I went there in the first place for school but the class got cancelled, and I didn't want to go back to the small town.

From 07, on my life kinda stayed a standstill forever lonely with no friends cause I still have a hard time making them and I am living my life on my computer... I have had a whole bunch of friends come and go and also a few girlfriends but I feel like nothing has changed in my life ever since I moved out here, Now I am sick of living in Burnaby and still stuck in this rut, even though I recently finished audio school, I am deciding my life needs a huge change and a jump start so I am planning on moving to Vancouver Island!! Probably not till the end of the summer but I am determined to move there. I know a few friends will be sad that I am moving away but it is only 3 or 4 hours from where I am now so if they really missed me they would come visit me sometime, but I know that no one from my small town will miss me and never visit me because they have never visited me when I am here in Burnaby.... I always go visit them.

But anyways thats as much of my life I feel like sharing right now I will do another Blog in the Next day or so.