I didn't know when I first met you, why I get so flustered when you look at me. I've always wanted to ask, if you understood just a little of my feelings, even though I've never told you. How you were always a wonder to me, the way you are, far apart yet fit so well in every picture. Your words still resound in my mind whenever I hear this song.

Now I know how we are all the same, just as lost and walking about in our lives alone. Just like others, share thoughts that keep us from sleep. I tried to know you more, walked every place that you have been before, try every taste and meet the same people that you have met. With my pace, hoping to finally catch up with you one day, and share our walks later. Hold my hand, and I will never let go of you again. I love you, as long as I breathe.

Things stood still when you, who always had been so quiet and distanced, smiled a me that day. I was so surprised and glad that we are friends, connected with the briefest moments. And now I understand, how we are the same, just as lost and somewhat confused, a little afraid of the future. Hold my hand, never let go of me again, I love you, till the day I close my eyes in rest.

I will be fine, knowing that you are by my side. Thank you, for giving me, who is not worthy, the gift of your presence in my life.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Just after Tort paper...*~ I didn't get enough sleep again...feel like had been walking around with a heavy head. Ma~ I think I need sleep. So this will be another idle day. Came home and saw my room all cleaned up and the windows are open. I so love the tree outside my house. It look so green. Maybe I should give him a hug someday. For being such a sweetheart everytime I come home.

It must be really nice to be the tree. It's all big and green already. Mom and dad always think I'm a special kid, you know? I'm really proud of it. They used to fetch me around so I go blabbing all the way in the car. They always start with "How's your day, honey?" And the conversation will soon turn to something else. I don't think I'm one of those super genius but I know I'm different. I may not realize it but I had interest in almost everything.

And now I'm wondering how I would really like someone like myself. I guess people would really appreciate others who are really similar to them. Like how I wish my children will be as curious as I was, not curious in a way like those scientist and all those. But curious enough to read and think and explore. Then I realize no one can raise a kid to be exactly like herself, no matter how hard she try, it would only ruin the kid. That's how my parents raised my I guess. They gave me so much room to grow.

I read Andrew Matthew's book in my preteen years, started reading since my lower primary. I think I began my collection of books in my higher primary years, of course most of my old books are given away already. I was suddenly amazed by how every part of my childhood seemed to be carefully planned. Not only by my parents. By my heavenly Parent too.

I could hardly remember having any problems in my language classes, English especially. I learned idioms when my sister did. And Sir David seemed to pop out of no where and fit right in there in my younger years. Then there was British Council and the part-time job and all the small small things. I actually enjoyed learning.

Of course there was all those traveling...all 3 children in my family have our fair share of traveling. We can barely remember our 1st flight. Australia, Bangkok, United States, Taiwan... The world opened up to me like a big book with tiny prints all over it. The exposure is priceless.

I'm just suddenly so thankful. I'm happy to be blessed. In everything, I will give thanks.

EEEeeekkk!!! Exams exams exams. WHY LA EXAM...SUCH BAD TIMING. TSK...What the crapppppp! First time ever for my burfday to clash with exams, AND it's supposed to be my LAST TEENAGE BIRTHDAY. Don't the Cambridge people understand what is SPECIAL??? My burfday is what people call special kayy... The WHOLE freakin' Malaysia celebrates the day. At least they used to 'cause the Agong love the 7th of June sooo darn much he had to clash MY birthday with HIS. Indeed the Englishmen have NO respect for the head.. yea.. the HEAD of our country. AND ME.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Did you know, I had this dream before, where I smiled when I woke up. I remember it well, I was in the National Service then. It must have been more than one year ago from now. You called to say you have arrived safely in KL then. It was just that brief. You in the car, the city scene start filling the view of the window beside you, you had the phone to your ear and said you are in KL already, probably with a smile.

I woke up smiling. It's just a pure joy that warmed me from the inside. In the mist of neatly lined-up beds and the weather somewhat colder because we are far from the city. I could imagine other girls being all clingy and teary when that someone special is leaving; but I simply cannot deny the joy to know that my someone special is after his dream and while we are far apart yet somehow so knitted in understood terms and such strong faith that we would be together again.

And here we are now, you have finished your studies and heading for somewhere further and a dream bigger. Yet I still have the same faith and same addiction to you. I'm struggling for words now to type out the utmost happiness that you have came to me and said "I'm back in Penang.". To think that you have turn to give me these words, it is just so surreal. You had always come and go without letting me know, with such a personality so careless and slow.

Even if it is the smallest action, I am just so glad that you have given me the privilege to take a small step into your life. Welcome home, I would shout to the apartment tomorrow. =P

Monday, May 26, 2008

I fell in love with love songs lately. They sing it so well as though they are telling their own story. I wonder how will our love song sound like, then I wonder how will it be possible to put all that happened in a song of mere minutes yet it seemed like each song say enough to tell the whole story.

I especially love song that come with a deep cut in the heart, no matter how sanguine I appear to be, I appreciates the melancholic part of me. Love songs became an addiction, the way they sing with so much emotion that it is painful to listen, yet at the end of the song you find yourself smiling with tears. How could we be fighting fiction all along but end up being a part of the story ourselves? Could we have been like those in the songs?

Maybe it was just me all along. I thought I was simply looking at a beautiful picture in a gallery, to have look at it so often that you became more than a habit. A distanced admiration that I cling on to so much. Till the distances dissolves in, till barely anything is left to keep the mildest relationship, but it was too late. However much it burdens my heart, no matter how much struggles were made, you became too painful to be let go of.

Waiting upon your return every time, for the light to shine through your windows. To pray for you each night, to take a detour back to every place that we share the briefest memories, to speak to you through the wind in the softest voice, and above all the faith that I keep in something so vague. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it alone or with you. I try to remember every smile, every detail, everything that I can, fearing to lose any bit of it.

I will be sure, be brave and be wise, to love you as you should be loved, with every ounce of strength and support I can muster. To wait upon each one of your returns.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Indeed it is happening. Hahahahaa~ I am throwing my own Super Swt 19. LOL. All are invited, just let me know if you can come, don't be shy, it's an open party! Oh yea, bring a dish, preferable something that you can burn over the fire. Woohoo~

We're gonna go for the canoe at 4.30p.m. and stay for the dinner after that. Post any question or contribution in the comment please. Thanks!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?" Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you." Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep."

When a greater force than us pushes us along, most of us choose to fight it, trying to hold on to things close to us, doing all we can to stop or at least slow down the process. Especially when the change is not what we wanted or anticipated. Most of the time, it isn't even a change, it's a small voice in your head that bugs you to do something, and you know that is something you should and could do.

Just as when God calls, "Feed my sheep,", "Clean this place, make My house a holy place,", "Call out to that man.", "Be kind to your friend,", "Apologize to your parents.", "Sing this song to Me,". How often had we neglected the call? It shocked me to realize how much faith it takes to do a small thing for God, and how that small faith can be greater than the world.

We often fight against a lot of things, take the awesome 7 for instance, we fought our college management, our government, Ah Wong in the head office. Other peopl fight their company for a raise, some fight their parents and the rest fight against all the things of the world. Of course those are things of the world, not of God. But when submission is concerned, it takes more to submit then to fight.

The man of submission is a bigger man than the fighter. It takes wisdom to realize that the world will not stop because of our struggle, it could barely slow down. In Greek, submission is called praotes,meekness, forbearance. When the wind of God blows, let praotes prevail, for once, resist grabbing anything that would hold you back, and you will see what God sees, the bigger view and above all, the intimacy with God.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Yes, it's coming soon. It's great 'cause it will be on a Saturday, so it's a weekend, and it's between my papers, so I can take one day off to celebrate it. The minus point is that the youths won't be around, Pam and the boys will be off to FGA punya camp. And I can't go because; 1. It's between my exams, 2. the last youth camp is supposed to be my last camp, at least until I can get better reasons to convince my parents, 3. I don't really have the spare cash for all the fees considering aunty cancel a month of tuition from me and surely mom and dad won't even pay a cent for it. Crap, I really should get a job with good pay after my exams. Tsk.

Anyway, so they won't be around. Awesome 7 nightstanders will have their heads in books preparing for exam, so it would have to be with my parents. Sometimes they can be real cool, like we went to The Ship on one of my birthdays, mom had one of the snail thing and the whole The Ship crew sang my birthday song. Last year we went for Korean grill, it was not bad 'cause I get to celebrate my birthday with Q che, she's like the coolest aunt anyone would ever want, so yea, it was a nice gathering. Oh and my college mates, those who were in the law class, they sang me a great happy birthday song, and it was really nice 'cause I have only got to know them for like a month then, Shaun was the one who started it. Hee..Thanks guys ^^

Of course there was the birthday celebration at home. Not a big party, we just got together and watch a little movie and had dinner. Mom and dad weren't around, and because it was a CG night so Pam couldn't make it either. The boys came though, and Joon Han and Jack and Seow Jie and Sebrina. I don't think anybody else made it. I remember cooking too much spaghetti, and the nasty subtitles in Shrek 3. I love it still, it was great fun, small crowd but I think we did almost everything that made it real funny. I think I almost laughed my guts out. It was not like any other crappy but funny birthday thing, it's more like double the funny part. Jieli wrote his name with his butt.

This year is the first time my birthday ever clashes with exam period but I don't think I wanna celebrate it on any other day. Birthdays are supposed to be a once-a-year thing, that's what makes them special, no matter how much it sucks, LOL. So far I haven't have any plans up. I kinda should study 1st before trying to make another party that will rock the world, well, at least will rock my world.

I'm just so happy, so glad that you are coming back. I've always been the one asking, "when are you coming back?" That's because I'm always nervous and don't know what to say. It seemed right to ask. This time, you replied "Very soon," And I don't know how to react. Very soon. This week? Oh...must be this weekend. And I was really happy, I sat where I always sit, and I turned back to see the place that you always occupy, right at the back, near the door. And nope.

But I was not disappointed, I smiled. Hmm...now you're making me think. A cheeky trap. But I am just so happy, whenever it is, it will be very soon. Then I saw you again, and I asked, "What's so dangerous?" And you said "You." And I smiled and asked again, "When are you coming back?" and you said, "very soon" So I waited. I shouted to your apartment from the highway on my way home, "Come home!" And I smiled, because I know you are, very soon.

It is Sunday again, maybe I'll see you in church today. I went and sat where I sat, so happy afterwards when they need my help at the back. I'd be much closer to you if you are home. But you aren't, but I smile, I must have been thinking too much about you, why esle would I care so much. I even blushed for the first time.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

After I got off from the academy, I walked to my car. It was parked on the slightly sloped lawn just a few cars away from the small security booth. I had more things in my arms than usual so I thought of putting them down in the passenger seat before hitting the wheels.

Only then I realized that the radio in the car was still on, so I gave myself a few minutes to sit in the passenger seat so that I can fix that old dysfunctional radio again. It was trickier than it used to be. I laid back on the seat after awhile. Radio off, door open and feeling the skies getting dark.

From the tip of my eye I can see the rear view mirror, a man was creeping from the back of my car, grim-looking with a knife in his hand. The door behind me was open, and almost within his reach. I was sure he did not know I noticed him. I swung it close and locked it manually. The sound of the door startled him and I took that instant to pull my door shut and clicked it locked.

This time, I know for sure he saw me doing it. I quickly slipped into the drivers' seat and start the ignition, trying to drive off as if I had not known his presence. He clearly wants more than stealing money, he did not leave. Still with the knife in his hand he just stood there and watch me reversed my car and drove away. The coldness that the grim man brought hung in the air. I could have been dead and disfigured just moments ago.

I turned into the closest police station nearby, it was a small neighborhood station, it looked out of place and under-equipped. The lady in the front desk was friendly, very much un-city-like. When I told her about the guy with the knife, her expression became serious, her partner walked in just then. "He's a chain murderer," throwing the paper file in his hands to counter, right in front of my eyes. Some photos slipped out. "So what's he gonna do next?"

"He traces back all his targets."

"What? He would mean I'm one of them, right?"

"Are you a cop, miss?", he asked before the lady at the desk could answer my question.

"Yes I am."

"There you go, lassie. His name is Bill Ransom, only targets ladies cop. He was found creeping around these two ladies last year and they were dead soon after, murdered and cut off into pieces. Nothing sexual, nothing personal. So you are the second batch, along with Sarah Sanders, R.I.P., just two weeks ago, Rachel Lee Russell, Tammie Thompson, one of our own officers, and you're the latest target."

"So, what do I do next?"

"Don't worry about it, there're still two to go before you. He follows the sequence, Tammie's up in a planned operation to eliminate him off. We can't do it in the public, too dangerous."

"Officer, who's leading the operation?"

"I am, Sergeant Chad Leroy. Nice to meet you, didn't get your name."

"Detective Samantha Lewis, currently teaching in the academy."

"You ain't the daughter of the Deputy in the Federal, are you? You're the other Lewis, eh?"

"I'm afraid I am."

"Look, no worries with Billy's case, just leave your report here and we'll let you know about the progress of the case." Leroy let out a careless chuckle.

No worries became such unsuitable word to describe the case in just few hours. It came out in the news. Officer Rachel Lee Russell, 30, disappeared after her patrol shift found dead in five different places. Now I am second in queue.

"Sir, I want to go back into the field. I need your approval to join in Dauphin County Troop H, under Sergeant Chad Leroy."

"To do what? Receptionist? Hardly anything happens there, Lewis.", said Fat Daniels. He's incharge of my transfer. And clearly, he had not been reading the papers.

"Look, I need to join Leroy’s team. They clearly have no idea what they are doing to this Ransom guy. I'm on his list, okay? And Troop H is sending some small town policewoman to bait him, I don't think a mass murderer is that stupid."

"Chill, lady. All I can do is to file your application just like anybody else. Maybe put in a word or two in your recommendation field. The rest are up to the big guys up there."

Sometimes Daniels can work magic, I was in Leroy’s after a week. Ransom had been hibernating after his last murder. Tammie turned out to be a slightly plump, short hair, blonde officer in her early thirties. No offence but she looked clumsy. Leroy, as usual, chuckled at most of the important details and there were some random Smiths and Jones around.

It took me two days to gauge down all the details of the case. The location of the dumping and the stalking. Pennsylvania is not a small state and Ransom had no problem setting his footprints all over. The bodies had been all scattered around the state, no specific pattern at all. The operation was due on the 18th, a Sunday and I had nothing, so far, that could help capture Ransom. I was on the verge of breaking down.

She stepped into the empty locker room, and let out a slow long sigh. I really don't think I can stand Officer Johnson's frequent stops at the diner, she thought, "I needa cuppa kicking caffeine to keep this o' machine running," he would say. They were almost late for the patrol time-in because of Johnson's caffeine addiction.

Unbuttoning her uniform in one hand, she reached into her locker for her usual after work clothes and pull off her bun then tied her hair into a loose ponytail. The locker room was darker than usual after the bulb near the first roll of locker went out. She's not afraid of the dark, it's just the damp cold air that made her uncomfortable. A shiver went down her spine and she hastily put on her coat, grabbed her bag, and closed the locker door habitually without even looking at it.

Creek. Dammit, the locker's door was stuck again. She turned to the direction of her rusty locker. It was closed. It looked like just any other neatly lined up lockers.

She drew in a deep gasp when she turned back. Someone was standing in the doorway.

"You're not supposed to be here," She called out to the shadow.

"Are you new here? Show me your ID, sir, the gent's locker room is on the other side." The shadow remained quiet.

"Sir, I said you're not supposed to be here." Her fear turned into anger, she was walking straight up to the shadow. When she turned the corner to face the man in the dark, the man had already disappeared.

A week later, she disappeared from work. As a police officer, it was really a peculiar case. They only found her body after a week, separately. Her head was placed in her very own locker. Frozen and well preserved with dried ice. The locker was not stuck.

Eva is writing a story! Yes~ A story story, like a novel. I started a few chinese novels but they kinda got stuck mainly because of the delay. So I'm trying again. This time it is very much unlike my normal taste and contents, but I do hope that you guys like it.

Please leave your comments to help me better develope the story and inform me of any grammatical errors. Just click under the Blog Label a.k.a Thoughts of Mind"Story-dream" to follow up on the story. I put it under its own category so that it won't get mixed up.

A lady police detective found herself stalked by a mass murderer. After making her report, she realize the incompetent police force makes it a matter of time till it is her turn in the killer's list. Samantha Lewis, a headstrong young lady who got stranded into paranoia as a targeted victim of a skilled psychopath tries to run away from her predator, but the only route to survival, is to bring her very own fear down.

She had left the hands-on realistic task force for far too long to understand the lukewarm attitude of her colleagues. Would her passion -brought about by her desparation to survive - change the team, or is she facing her fatal nightmare, alone?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Of course we are slow, I don't blame anyone else. I just realize how slow I can be sometimes! Two whole days! That's how long it took for me to go whoopie over his return. It's almost as long as DHL takes to send my letter to New York! For two days I had been waking up late in the morning, had simple meals and watch too much TV. The happy hormons didn't even got pumped into my brains! Am I slow or what?!

Then it kicked in about just 5 minutes ago. I have no idea what hit me. It's just. "Whoopie~" He's coming home! And there was a leap in my tummy, we're going for movies, and I'll be seeing him on Sundays, and I hope he can make it for Fu's party. And he said I look lovely~ Wow... Ha..woa...

Then just as soon as it came it went away for a while, then it came back. I just can't help smiling. No matter how long we have to go, 2 years, or 4 years, I will always be happy to when I know he's coming home. Even if in the future, when I'm not around, I'll still pray for his mercy journey, home to see his family. And hopefully that would be the time when I can come home too.

Whatever it may be, he'll be a great joy to me. Even if we may only meet once a year, or we'll both be busy for the rest of the year. A simple conversation across the globe would bring me smiles and sunshine. Maybe I'll still be running this blog, crossing its five years birthday, still writing about all the small small things that I could not forget. I'll still go whoopie in whatever country I maybe studying then, in my own small room, in front of the laptop. Whoopie, he's going home, and I'll be home a few days before him or after him, anyhow, I'll be seeing him again.

I am just happy to hear from you again, and to see you again, do you know that? No matter it is five years or ten years away, I'm just glad that you will be back.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

It was no good weather before this, my hair couldn't fall in the right place; the air in the room always gloomy and filled with sleepiness; I can hardly find a good show on the tv. Even my spiritual life was somewhat dull, I prayed for fresh fire. The divine led me to read the book of Job, a book which seemed so 'at the bottom', when all are lost. I would not have made it through without the slightest reminder from my Abbah Father.

I've always believed in miracles, sometimes half-heartedly, but I do believe. Of course, Daddy has been generous, like He always did. Thus the sun shines. He must have sent angels, smoothen my path, warmth my night and held my hand. We might have even dance together. He made the sunshine, bringing in mildest joy, in bits and pieces. Joy of family, friends, the word, the light, some achievement which he made possible, all these were not my work, but His, and He made them mine.

There's the joy of daddy waking me up in the morning, joy of deciding to really study in the library, joy of helping a stranger with the smallest effort, joy of being a good friend and sister and the joy of sharing this joy. God has made it possible.

And one thing that had been such grace, such change that I cannot describe. We met again, had small talk again, longer than usual. He must have been in a good mood. The conversation was so fluffy I can hardly imagine the real him saying it. We would both die from blushing if he did. So I prayed, that God would be the guidance in our relationship, be it friendship or whatever it may be. May God be the center of our focus, not one another. That's how it would last, in the purest love. Like those when the earth first began.

Monday, May 12, 2008

So here I am, having an idle morning of my 1st day of study break. Ms. Tan from the main building woke me up to face the hard reality. I have never really plan a day, like one of those daily planning ladies with neat bun on the head and speak real stern and fast, but I have a plan for today, considering I made a to-do list in my mind.

1. Pick up my reference letter. [checked]

2. Hand it off to Mrs H for her signature. [.......]

3. Get Fu's birthday present off Gurney Plaza. [.......]

4. Get DHL to pick up my reference letter to send it off to New York [FAILED]

5. Write at least 1 history essay for revision. [.......]

6. Meet up with the night standers in the main, for revision. [.......]

Now, it's just 2.39 p.m., so I'm not a failure, yet. I ended up having a good home-cooked meal, watched a TV variety show and climbed up a dozen flights of stairs.

The first and the second is unexcusable because I am having a break now, whatever the reason they give us breaks for, it's still a break. Hehee... But the last, I blame IPG! - or PTPL!! - or whatever you wanna call it. And we thought it was bad enough to have elevators which practically attempt to murder college students by cutting them into halves or causing permanent head or bodily damage by kepit-ing them with great force, it wasn't. Bad enough, I mean. The elevators have to go on lift today. HA! Elevators go on lift! Nevermind me for laughing at my own joke.

I was climbing while wondering how Mrs. H had got to the sixth floor. She's about 70 years old, I think. Don't get me wrong I really respect her and sincerely adore her for all the trouble she went through to get my reference done with grace and great acknowledgement. I just can't help wondering all the way up the stairs if I should just turn back down because Mrs. H can't possibly be up in the sixth floor, with no elevator. She takes the elevator even when she just wants to go a floor above. Wow. Now, all of us are just victims of circumstances.

Sure enough when I got to the sixth floor, she was there. Sitting peacefully in her english class. Not panting or heaving in air or in any state other than graceful peace. WOW.

Anyway. I'm stuck in here, the Annexx B library, that is, till 4 p.m., that is when Mrs. H will finish her lessons with her class. And then I realize, that all the things that I listed in my post title. No lift, no air, no life. Haihs.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Oh no, I've lost my hotmail password. FOR REAL. I blame the fella who tried spamming people using my account. So now, I officially lost all of your respective emails. Please put your email addresses in my comment box so that I can re-add you guys in my windows live again.. Sorry for the big mess and haihs. Thanks. =/

Friday, May 9, 2008

Haven't really post a casual post lately, just suddenly feel like being simple agan.. Life's been dry. Exams closing up on us. Finally, we are finally escaping from bad education. Leaving in such confused state, somehow more confused that when we first got in. We must have been really different. To have played truth or dare in the garden late at night, dancing on the grass and shouting to the highway like a bunch of drunkards.

I'd miss these days. Sometimes I think real hard, wondering if I could remember every detail like how I have left NS and forgot some parts of the beauty of a bunch of seventeen year old living together. All those chatroom conversation that make no sense. I would miss them. Of course I will, the great 7 of us. I think I barely studied these few days, but the other six really did some serious reading. Haha...

We shared our hidden self and some intimate details, what happened in the garden stays in the garden. It's amazing our friendship is just as pure and as sincere, with such great respect to one another. All being people of different background, come together at one blissful night, total spontanious. How many of these outbreaks can one have in a lifetime. I would not ask for much, one would be enough for the memory, a token of the process of growing up. Breaking up ourselves so to be able to grow more.

Growing up is no doubt painful. How else is one supposed to grow up unless we first allow ourselves to be broken. I still wonder the moment when we screamed into the night, was it a cry of desparate pain of breaking up ourselves. I surely do not think sober people would have expressed in such outrage. We shared a moment of metamorphosis. We cried and broke and grew.

I am just glad that we shared the moment of change. Despite anything that would come about in our lives, such different paths and futures, we grew, together.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

There she is, in the snow, selling matches in the Christmas night. Her fingers turning purple from the cold, the layers of thin cloth is just not enough to give her the warmth she needs. Breathing out in vapour asking, almost begging for the people who rushes by, those who are late for their Christmas dinner. "Please buy a match, please..."

She can't go home, no, it would mean that she will get another beating from her father. They are just too poor, desparate. With no mother to turn to anymore, she need to sell off these matches in her rattan basket to get home. She shivers at the thought of the temper of her much drunken father.

Looking into the windows of the house just around the corner, a family is saying grace for the food blessed by the Saviour. A cheerful fire burning in the fireplace, puffing up gray thick smoke through the chimney above, a turkey lies beautifully done on the dinner table. It looks so real to her, as if she is in the picture too, with new warm clean clothes and hair curled up tidily into a half-bun.

The cold suddenly shook her. She needs warmth, wherever it may come from. With a swift and a twinch in her heart, she lit her first match, telling herself she would only use one, just one. The flames on the match starts to burn, the warmth overwhelms her, like a touch on her finger, she saw a fireplace of her own, burning just as cheerfully as the one she just saw. Craving for the warmth, but the match is dying out. It's getting further and smaller, and it is gone.

"No..NO....come back!", and she lit another one, a turkey starts to materialize in front of her, just as the fireplace, it got closer and she can even smell the warm delicious air, the brownish skin of the turkey shimmer in the flame of the match as if it had just winked to her. She smiles, taking in the hopeful fantasy. But her smile did not last the flame is growing weak, it can't be, she looked helplessly at the burning match. It's going away too...the air, the sight, the crave and her hopes.

Just one more, just one more, she tries to convince herself she just need another look into the things that she wants, she needs. The third match was lit. Laughter and voices of people talking starts swimming in the soft spark, they are here! All her families, they are here again, just like they had always been in Christmas. It is not even about the presents this time. She felt a painful joy to find love again, in this fantasized family. Even well before she can get over her grief, the faces starts to grow blurry, they are fading away too.

The sadness is drying her throat, tears starts welling up and finally burst forth and wet her cheek, desparation screaming in her; she doesn't care if they are real now. She cries out, "NOoo!! Don't leave me! Don't go!". She franticly reach for another match, lit it and a familiar face came into sight, the family was gone, the only one left now is just her mother. She heard a choking sob and almost collapse at the sight of her beautiful mother. She seems to try to speak out to the girl but the flame is getting weak, the purple fingers grabbed another bunch of matches and kept the flame burning. She is not letting her go this time, she can't bear to loose her again, her mother is her only hope.

The matches burned and the heat almost touches her fingers, she can't hold them anymore. She cries out, "Take me with you...take me with you..." and throws herself into her mother's arms. Her voice rang in the streets before it goes back to

its stillness again.

They found her body the next day, smiling, her hands are pink and they were curled up as if she was holding somebody's hand. She had left, in the arms of her mother, to the Heaven of matches.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hi, I think you should be home already. I hope you got home safely, took the same old night bus again? I am still not use to being here, almost too sad to have to leave the habit of waiting for your return..yes, from the lights that shine through your curtain. I could see it from my room, or sometimes from the balcony. It would be well enough to put me to sleep.

I'm really happy that you're home. Though I didn't have a too much of a good time, felt like I failed badly during the youth service. But Pam spoke to me. I think I just learned what God has been trying to say to me. That is probably why He keep telling me to read the book of Job, I would have been so unprepared if I had missed out on this call too. In everything, give thanks. So I would give thanks to God for teaching me to fail, once, for real. The fall made the rest of the day wonderful.

Oh yea, I played basketball with the boys and aunty Wen Er just now. Fu's getting real good at it, of course, we insisted that it's his height..lolz. Ah Li is not bad too, he just gotta work out more, hahaa, that lazy one. We played in INTI's court, the one that we've always played in, every Chinese New Year. I secretly think it is a tradition, that everyone would be home and we can do all sort of crazy things, and have dinner together after sweatin a whole lot. I don't think I would put this in if it is a real letter to you. It would have look so stupid but I enjoy every moment of writing it.

I still try to use the highway everytime I go home from the church, and would pretend to talk to you for a few seconds. Sometimes I just let the music playing from the radio do the talking, Pam thinks it's sweet that we wind down the window that day to say good morning to you.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I'm really happy, very much giddy. Among the butterflies in my stomach and puffy clouds in my mind, I think I feel some heartache and the feelings that can't be describe in words... I want you to go, the satisfaction of you in pursuing your dreams is the utmost happiness I can find in me. Knowing you are doing what you like to do drives me to go forth to achieve my ambitions. Somehow I find the faith to believe that we would be fine, just like how we are now. You will still be away working hard for your future, one that I hope I can share and I will be wherever I am to pray for you every night.

Dear Lord, please let him have all the joy and happiness, may he always find favour in Your eyes. Let him walk in Your way, according to Your will and always be faithful to You. Bless his family, though they may be far apart, let them always be in harmony and filled with love and care from one another. May You always be with him, every step that he takes. Thank you for Your blessing upon the man whom I care for. Amen.

Somewhere in me, a belief sparked, I believe that we would be like this, till a day when we shall meet again, it would be God's timing for us. For now, I will wait, in silent faith and prayer that you would always be fine, no matter where you are. May you find love.

A sense of sadness suddenly hit on me after I typed the last sentence. A loud pang on my head. May you find love. And the Father said, "I did not give you a spirit of fear," No matter how much I would hope for an assurance that never came, I shall have my trust upon you, upon God. That we will meet again, and we would be in better position to love and be loved. I will miss you, always. And so I will wait.

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"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross