One IPA researcher explained just how innovative this initiative can be:

“We have just gazetted Peta Credlin’s swimming pool as an Aboriginal reserve. So next time Tony spends a week there, he will have fulfilled his commitment to the Yolngu. It wasn’t easy, but we did it!”

In a major breakthrough in foreign affairs, Cambodia has now agreed to accept Australia’s naval personnel as temporary Cambodian citizens on an ‘as required’ basis.

A senior Coalition backbencher elaborated, saying the days of broken promises are over:

“This means when naval vessels invade the borders of Indonesia or any other godforsaken heathen country while towing back ragheads, it’s not us — it’s the Cambodians! Broken promises? Not any more!”

The elite promise-keepers unit has been working overtime in education, where several redefinitions have been authorised.

An aide explained the new methodology:

“The term ‘education’ now applies only to those activities which generate tax deductions for citizens on incomes over $750,000. All other activities related to the imparting of knowledge or gaining of qualifications will hereafter be known as ‘schooling’.

Employment minister Eric Abetz was unavailable due to celebrating fulfilment – well ahead of schedule – of Abbott’s promise to create a million jobs.

A minder explained how this would happen:

“We have just expanded slightly the definition of the region wherein we are creating jobs,”“Now, we count canned fruit processors in New Zealand and Chile and car workers in Korea and Japan.”

Asked if the million jobs Abbott has now created include Queensland sheep saved by the drought package, the minder said: “Er, I’ll get back to you on that.”

In a major reversal, the government has now taken decisive action to fulfill its pre-election promise to provide a customs ship to monitor Japanese whaling in Australia’s region.

A senior frontbencher said the Government takes its monitoring responsibilities in this area very seriously:

“This is a vital international responsibility. So although we can’t send a ship we are increasing travel allowances for government MPs to fly to Japan for the weekend to assess first hand whether sushi restaurants still serve whale meat.