Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Splashing Around in the Shallow End

Ironically, it was while I was in the bath that I heard Char shouting in dismay. She'd been reading my emails again. And I say 'ironic' because a) I like the way it sounds and b) because the one she was gasping at was entitled 'Caesar's Bath'.

Apparently, I'd been tagged by dear Bob with a meme. The instructions are thus:

'This meme takes its name from Mel Brooks' A History of the World (Part I), and, upon receiving it, one is supposed to list five things that one's circle of friends or peer group is wild about, but that one can't really understand the fuss over. Quoth Caesar, "Nice. Nice. Not thrilling . . . but nice.'

Right. Ok. Five things? Easy. Even with Char muttering "Witchcraft," in her Polish lilt before I have to send her to 'catalogue the drinks cabinet' again. So:

1) MadonnaWell burn me at the stake for being controversial! How long she been going now? Since the French Revolution? And in all that time she's done a few songs I will tap my feet along to, but the rest I would merrily stuff down the back of a burning sofa. 'La Isla Bonita' leaves me cold, and I get nary a flicker from 'Like A Prayer'. I just don't get it. But why she gets on my tits the most is this constant 'reinvention' she is famed for, shedding her aged, snake-like skin to keep in with every fad that the 'young hipsters' are currently embroiled in. That doesn't smack of conviction in yourself, that sounds like you're leaping at anything that can sustain your career, you leech. Tsk.

2) Bruno LangleyAh, Mr Langley. A 'larger lady' of the TV screen. Several gentlefolk I know are currently sighing and dropping their hankie over this new addition to our limelit firmament. His pedigree: he played a gay character in perennial favourite soap opera Coronation Street (thus getting all who care frothing at the gash about Young Boys Who Kiss) and has just popped up in the new series of Doctor Who as an annoying oik called Adam. All well and good, but I really can't see why people are bending over backwards (or forwards, in our case) for him. He's just... average. Look at him - I've seen at least ten lookylikeys wandering down the street on my way to get some milk for my morning cereal. Well, they didn't have milk, so I used Bailey's Cream. And that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

3) Wizard of OzMy main dislike for this is Dorothy. The child is without backbone for goodness sake! Something goes slightly awry, however slight, she's blubbing like a fat girl at the end of a party. Her achievements are all by accident, and she gets home by literally stamping her feet and crying. The rest of the time, it's like the Cowardly Lion is dragging a puddle around.Which begs the question why on earth have we, the Gentlemen Who Can't Catch, taken a whining, snivelling kid to our hearts so? We can't stand children at the best of times, let alone the ones that never stop bawling. Personally, I much prefer Alice from Alice in Wonderland; she barely snivels and isn't even the slightest bit phased by taking pills and eating mushrooms. Which makes you wonder why we Gentlemen haven't taken her as our mascot all along...

4) SunshineIt's over-rated and never matches my mood.

5) Soap operasI'm actually going to narrow this down and state 'British soap operas' as we do them so badly here. Due to our bizarre obsession with the underdog, all our soaps are set in dingy areas and are about ordinary people doing ordinary things, highlighting how unimaginative we are as a country if we get excited about someone else having a non-fatal accident with a nail gun. At least the American versions are far more outlandish, with plastic surgery, affairs and paternity cases featuring every other episode. It just leaves me asking are people's lives really so dull they have to escape into something so middle-of-the-road; that they are so unimaginative, they only respond to the ordinary adventures? And the producers are happy to churn out such average kitchen-sink dramas for all to devour.But what's even more eyebrow-raising is that when we do start doing soap operas like the Yanks (c.f. 'Footballer's Wives') they're called 'dramas'!

There.

And with that, I have to pass this on to three other people. I shall choose three diverse friends as possible to drip hatred onto the hypercyberinterweb. And those will be dear Gertie, cause he'll probably add 'groups of Japanese people with umbrellas' to the list (I didn't have room). Also elegance incarnate, MissMish and the beauteous Kimberly Lesbian.

Ok, I still think you're lovely, but you really are quite odd at times, sweetheart.

I mean, Madge isn't the Blessed Virgin or anything (obviously), but a couple of her ditties are kinda catchy. And it's the "boy next door" thing that makes Bruno Langley need head quite so badly. Of course he's not stunning; that's the point.

The Wizard of Oz I don't mind, but I'm utterly and totally with you on disliking Dorothy. Though I gather we're both still her Friends.

Sunshine, however, is wonderful (so long as I have my sunglasses with me). It's what makes pretty boys take their shirts off. Where's the bad in that?!

Though I have to ascertain: do you mean soap operas like Corrie or "dramas" like Footballer's Wives that you dislike? Cos you can't beat FW and Dream Team for pointless bubblegum-for-the-brain, with pretty naked lads in it! ;o)

All You'll Need In A Handy List

Works on: VodkaNo, I meant career: Oh. Er, designer. Amongst other things.You're best described as: 'Sanguine'. Or 'Choking Hazard'. Take your pick. Is it true you are the Ruler of the Universe?:Yes again.Mailed at:This addressTwitter?Here!