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Danie Rossouw's World Cup Diary - September 16rd 2011

Disclaimer - This comes from a friend, so not my writing, but too good not to pass on.

16 September 2011:

Tomorrow we are to playing against the Fiji, who haves a proud history of eating people.

I know this because I did do my research before the game. Victor usually does the research but because he are at rehabiliation at a nice hotel resort (outside of New Zealand off course), the coach did asked me to do the research on the opposition.

Victor's research are only about when to do jumpings in the line-out, which are boring and many of his line-out calls are numbers more than ten, so I don't really understand. He did however work on a special call for just me called "spring poes", which are code for the ball are coming to Danie.

But my research is much betters. I did go onto the internet and founded out good research. At the team gathering I did present my feedbacks as follows:

"Fiji are in the south Pacific, this means that they are in a big peace of water, but at the bottoms of that waters, not the top.

The whole Fiji team are black people (not that I does have a problem with that), this means that their gentlemen's agreement about affirmative action is working very well and the entire team does comes from previously disadvantaged areas. So make sure you leave your wallets in the bus before you go to the change rooms.

Fiji people are liking to be cannonballs. This does not mean that they does smoke dagga. This does means that they eat other peoples, so try not to spill barbeque sauce on yourself before the game.

Because the whole team is black (not that I does have a problem with that), it means that they will all be very fast. At the olympics there was one guy called Bolt who are also black (not that I does have a problem with that) and he I runs faster than anybody else, even other black (not that I does have a problem with that) guys. I did watch the movie Bolt to understand how his mind does work and I can confirm, he are a very lucky puppy.

So the tactic is that we should tackle the black (not that I does have a problem with that) guys before they have a chance to run fast. Akona, don't worry, because at your pace I don't think you will be mistaken for a black (not that I does have a problem with that) guy."

I fink my presentation did go well because only Akona did give me feedback, saying that he are not Akona, he are Odwa. How the poes am I supposed to know that? I don't want to be sounding like a racialist, but he looks just like the other wing who did play for us. I wonder where Lwazi are now.