Support for parents

It can be extremely difficult to hear that your child has been abused or sexually assaulted and you may feel a lot of different emotions as a result – anger, shame and guilt are common. If your child is telling you that they have been hurt by someone else, even if it’s someone you trust completely, the most important things you can do are:

Listen to them

Believe them

Continue to offer unconditional support and love

Be patient with them

Encourage them

Reassure them that their feelings are normal

Give them choices

It is also really important that you look after yourself at this time – supporting a loved one who has experienced sexual violence can bring up a lot of complex feelings for you as well, it’s important that you take note of these and have a safe space where you are able to express them. Our helpline and email support services offer a safe and confidential space to explore your feelings.

FAQs

Yes, absolutely. Knowing that something so traumatising has happened to your child can be extremely upsetting and difficult to manage. Make sure you look after yourself and get the support you need from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Things may feel different, and knowing something so traumatising has happened to your child can be extremely upsetting and difficult to manage. With the right support, healing is possible. Cambridge Rape Crisis offers advocacy, counselling and email and telephone support.

Whatever you are feeling is ok. There is no right or wrong way to respond. Be kind to yourself.

Common feelings:

You may be feeling guilt for not realising sooner, for bringing the abuser into your child’s life or simply for trusting the abuser. You have nothing to feel guilty for, abusers will deliberately work gain the trust of everyone around that child, and to cover up what is happening however they can.

You may be feeling angry with the abuser, with yourself, or even with your child for not telling you sooner. These are all very normal things to feel, but it’s important to remember the only person who has done something wrong is the abuser. It can be helpful to talk through these feelings with someone trusted and/or an organisation such as ourselves.

You may be feeling a loss. Very often it is someone trusted and even loved who perpetrates these crimes, the loss of that person from your life can be a very difficult and complex thing to deal with. It can bring up a lot of mixed feelings and again it can be helpful to acknowledge these feelings and talk them through.

When something bad happens it is normal for us to try and rationalise it by thinking about what we could have done to stop it. However, the perpetrator is the only one who should and could have done something differently. You and your child are not blame for the abuser’s actions.

Perpetrators of sexual violence are very manipulative and don’t just groom the survivor, but will groom families and even whole communities so that they are able to sexually abuse. The perpetrator made the decision to lie, manipulate and abuse. The betrayal of trust can be immensely painful.

Grooming is when someone builds, or uses an existing emotional connection with a child to gain or exploit their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking. Children and young people can be groomed online or face-to-face, by a stranger or by someone they know – for example a family member, friend or professional. Many children and young people don’t understand that they have been groomed or that what has happened is abuse. (NSPCC)

The abuser will try to be seen as trustworthy by families and communities, to make it as difficult as possible for anyone to believe they might hurt someone. This is often part of their grooming process.

No, it is a myth that people who have been abused become abusers themselves. This is often used to try and excuse those who perpetrate sexual abuse. If you think about it, the majority of survivors are women and girls, and the majority of perpetrators are men and boys, so this just wouldn’t make sense.

Around a third of people who abuse a child are under 18 themselves, and in much younger children especially they might not realise that their behaviour is harmful to others. It can make it hard to know how to react, and that’s ok as it is outside the realm of what we would expect. It is still very serious and should be treated as such.

The abusive adult will often convince the child that they won’t be believed or that they are somehow responsible for the abuse and will be punished for it. The child may care about or feel protective of the person who sexually abused them, for example it may be a parent or other close family, and will likely feel they’d be betraying this person by telling about the abuse. They may also be told that if they tell the non-abusing parent/carer it will ruin their life in some way, so children will often keep the secret so as to protect the non-abusive parent/carer.

Sometimes, a child may be confused if they experienced positive physical pleasure, arousal, or emotional intimacy from the abuse. This confusion can make it difficult for the child to speak up.

A child may feel that they permitted the abuse and should have been able to stop it. Remember that there are no situations where a child is responsible for any sexual interaction with a more powerful child or adult. (Stop it Now)

Abusers will often use a combination of gifts or treats and threats about what will happen if the child says ‘no’ or tells someone. They may scare the child with threats of being hurt physically, but much more often the threat is about what will be lost if they tell e.g. the family breaking up or someone going to prison. To stop the child from telling anyone, the abuser will use the child’s fear, embarrassment or guilt about what is happening, often convincing them that no one will believe them or that the child will be punished. Sometimes the abuser will tell the child that they enjoyed it and wanted it to happen and this can be very confusing and upsetting.

Any reason an abuser gives for abusing a child is just a justification. The real reason people abuse children is because they have the power, control and have created the opportunity to abuse. It is very normal to want to ask the abuser why they did what they did, but it is very unlikely that any answer you receive will be either honest or helpful.

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Testimonials

I'm not really sure if I can find the words to say how grateful I am for being given the recent counselling.
It has changed my life immeasurably, and got me through some really difficult things and thoughts. I have no idea how I would have got through it without the support I have received. From challenging me on negative thoughts, helping me find hope and understanding to encouraging me to take time out from work when I really needed it, I can't imagine how anyone could have done a better job.

The continuity of our sessions helped me cope on a daily basis. Couldn't have made it this far without this service.

[My ISVA] didn’t judge and was always there for me when she said she would be.

Fantastic counselling, with such a kind and patient counsellor.

Non-judgemental, honest caring people who have been with us every step of the way.

[Counselling] gave me the language to talk about my assault and the motivation to do so.

[Counselling] helped me to realise I had all the coping strategies there but just needed affirmation. I now believe in myself.

[Counselling] has helped me work through my own coping mechanisms to strengthen them and develop strategies to help make everyday life easier to confront.

It has helped me talk to friends, talk to my partner and made those relationships stronger as well as helping me understand and forgive myself for things that happened in the past.

[Counselling] has helped me feel a lot more confident in speaking about my problems. I feel more in control of my decisions and understand I can make them.

It was great being able to talk to someone about things in my life.

CRCC have taught me how to trust when I didn't know how. Have shown me self belief when all I could see was self hatred. Have helped me feel anger when all I could feel was emptyness. Have given me hope in a sea of despair. Have helped me grow from a lost, confused, helpless, victim with the feeling that suicide may be my only available escape, into the beginnings strong, self aware, survivor looking forward to a much brighter future. That has changed my world.

There have been no intrusive questions. I don't have to mention details, which make me feel uncomfortable. Everyone is understanding and really friendly. I value that the support is free and in such a nice environment. Everyone believes you.

[The group] allowed me to explore new techniques and subject matters, and has put me in touch with some amazing women. Just the feeling of support and non-judgement alone was awesome.

[My ISVA] was so kind and supportive - I honestly couldn't speak more highly of her.

[It helped] being able to share my life story and understand how it's changed me in a nice environment, and having someone who listened and helped me understand.

[I valued] being able to open up to someone that's not connected with my family.

[The ISVA Navigator] was so helpful and lovely. She made me feel able to talk about how I was feeling and gave me all the possible options and services that are available to me.

I was really impressed with the support and kindness I experienced from the ISVA service. It gave me confidence to start dealing with the situation. It's a great service.

[I valued] having the support from a really nice counsellor. I felt safe and the help was amazing with coping strategies.

It was nice to have an unbiased person to listen + not tell me I'm wrong.

You are wonderful, keep existing!

[My counsellor] is fantastic! She is calm, empathetic, real in her responses. Her honesty and demeanour made it easier to get past my trust issues and get down to "work". The fact that the sessions are free made me feel like the time was a precious gift and therefore I had to use the time responsibly.

I had no idea what to expect and I was very nervous but soon realised that it was okay and I did not need to worry.

She was kind and caring and dealt with my daughter and I with compassion.

[I value] the fact I was able to talk about things in my own time and pace. Not feeling pressured at all. I felt listened to and more importantly, believed.

[I appreciate] The feeling of not being alone & isolated & I hope that this group can be repeated to help and support more women in our situation in understanding and knowing they are NOT ALONE!

I am much less angry and confused. I feel more in control of what is going on than I did.