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The Week In Quotes: September 30, 2011

compiled by Rivers McCown

QUI-GON JINN ORIGINALLY NAMED OUI-OUI JEAN

"I don't know what a Padawan is. You didn't call me a bad name did you? I don't speak French either." -- Florida coach Will Muschamp, on the "teacher-Padawan" relationship between himself and Alabama coach Nick Saban (Orlando Sentinel)

YOU SHOT WHO IN THE WHAT NOW?

"There would be a real want, that is, a competing that would happen, which it would, without the need to be compliant or reluctant to not give up that which is the ball, or the things like it, such as the field goals, or even the punt return and defense thereof, and that's keeping the game short and helping the general construction of success as it relates to our football team." -- LSU coach Les Miles, channeling his inner Faulkner (SB Nation)

CHRIS JOHNSON SCRAMBLING TO GET A NEW CONTRACT NOW THAT HIS MARKET HAS BEEN RESET

"League's highest-paid decoy." -- Nelson Peterson, father of Adrian Peterson, on last Sunday's second-half play-calling in the Vikings-Lions game (St. Paul Pioneer Press)

IF ONLY YOU HAD BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO LOBBY, ADVERTISE, AND GET YOUR MESSAGE OUT TO THE PEOPLE!

"I think what came across (with realignment) is that all we care about is money and what we can do that is to our advantage. Nobody was talking about what this is going to do for student-athletes or intercollegiate athletic programs. It was all about let's make a deal." -- NCAA president Mark Emmert, on the cycle of realignment that has gripped the NCAA (Associated Press)

AND WHEN IT DOES, MIGHT AS WELL COMPLAIN ABOUT IT PUBLICLY, MAKES ME SEEM LIKE A CLASSY GUY

"You ain’t supposed to have to [cover for that long], but [expletive] happens" -- Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall, on Tony Romo's long scramble and throw that led to a 30-yard pass to Dez Bryant and a 15-yard Hall facemask penalty (CSN Washington)

JOE BUCK'S CALL OF IT LED ME TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE

"I've been watching the NFL for a long time. That was the best play I've ever seen. Hands down. Best play I've ever seen." -- Packers wide receiver Greg Jennings, on the Bears punt return deke that would have been a touchdown had it not been flagged for holding (ESPN NFC North Blog)

AFTER CELTIC PRIDE, DAMON WAYANS' CAREER NEVER REAPPEARED

"If I get kidnapped or something — you never know." -- Texans running back Arian Foster, on whether there was any chance he'd miss Sunday's game (San Antonio Express-News)

AND THOSE LITTLE TINY FLAVOR CRYSTALS THAT JUST EXPLODE IN YOUR MOUTH

"I hope we can make it more interesting for him so he doesn't have to eat hot dogs. Hopefully we can take the mustard and the relish and the onions and all that and put it away and play a little football." -- Raiders coach Hue Jackson, on paying back Mark Sanchez for eating a hot dog on the sidelines during a 2009 spanking of Oakland (Newark Star-Ledger)

I MEAN PFFT, THE BILLS ARE TOTALLY WEAK, AM I RIGHT? NO, I HAVEN'T WATCHED THE TV SINCE THE SEASON STARTED. WHY?

"Well, we just have to continue to work at the things we’re not doing as well. There’s really not a big change. We’re early in the year. We’ve got a lot of season ahead of us. And you know, at the end of this week when we’re 2-2, there’s going to be probably the other third of the league is going to be in the same situation." -- Bengals coach Marvin Lewis, counting his eggs before they have hatched (Cincinnati Enquirer)

AW, BUT THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO SMEAR YOU AND WON'T RETURN OUR CALLS!

"I’m getting ready for the San Diego Chargers. You guys can figure that out. Go ask the sources. They’ll tell you better than me." -- Dolphins coach Tony Sparano, on whether he was worried about keeping his job (Palm Beach Post)

SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH, CLASSIC SOPHOMORE MISTAKE

DIDN'T KNOW HE MADE YOU DRINK AND DRIVE

"His name was Carl Peterson. You can write that in caps." -- Vikings defensive end Jared Allen, on the reason he exited Kansas City (1500 ESPN Minnesota)

I WANNA SAY SOMETHING. I'M GONNA PUT IT OUT THERE; IF YOU LIKE IT, YOU CAN TAKE IT, IF YOU DON'T, SEND IT RIGHT BACK

"Everybody saw the game. I was on the ground constantly. All of the time. Every time I throw the ball in all my highlights and just watching film in general, every time I throw the ball I’m on the ground, getting hit in the head and I don’t know why. I don’t get the 15-yard flags like everybody else does but hey -- I’m not going to complain about it. I’m just making everybody aware and hopefully somebody will take notice." -- Eagles quarterback Michael Vick, on NFL officials apparently not giving him enough calls (New York Times Fifth Down Blog)

NOT THAT YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF AGENDA OR ANYTHING

"And also the damage is done. I don't want to be the referee that goes in there now next and works with him. If he calls a roughing the passer penalty for a hit on Vick everybody's going to say, 'Well, Vick taunted him into that.' If he doesn't [call it] there's going to be more criticism. So I think it was a bunch of bull and it didn't sit well with me and it still doesn't." -- FOX Sports contributor and former head of officiating Mike Pereira, on Vick's comments (Shutdown Corner)

WE WERE WHO WE THOUGHT WE WERE

"Was as bad as we thought it would be." -- Cardinals quarterback Kevin Kolb on the tape of his team's performance against the Seahawks (Arizona Cardinals Official Website)

NEXT WEEK'S OPPONENT: THE CAVITY CREEPS

"The ballgame yesterday, it was tough, hard-fought, at times painful. Kind of like going to the dentist. But, you win, it's good for you." -- 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh, on grinding out a win over the Bengals last week (Niners Nation)

C'MON, MARK BRUNELL REALLY NEEDS THE MONEY, AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANYONE ON THE TEAM THAT NEEDS KISSING

"I’m not going to change who I am because Joe Namath said something. Namath can come in here, and if he can still throw, we’ll have him as a backup quarterback, but you know what? He doesn’t know our team. He’s on the outside. Even though he’s a Jet, and once you’re a Jet, you’re always a Jet, but he’s on the outside. He’s not in these meetings. I think if he was, he’d be shocked with the preparation." -- Jets coach Rex Ryan, on Joe Namath's comments that the Jets are unprepared because Ryan boosts their egos (Sporting News)

WE CAN REBUILD HIS CHOKING REPUTATION, WE HAVE THE AIR TIME

"To me they blown it way out of proportion. I mean, they tried to make it seem like the guy was hospitalized the night before the game, just so we could build it up if they was to win the game —- oh he’s a courageous player to go out there and play. The guy was playing just like Tony Romo, running around, making throws. He got hit throughout the whole game and still getting up. I mean, it was blown way out of proportion, but it is what it is." -- Redskins linebacker Brian Orakpo, on the effusive praise of Tony Romo by (we assume) ESPN (D.C. Sports Blog)

GET IN LINE

"I'd spit on him, I have no respect for him. Pathetic. Despicable. It serves no purpose." -- Former Bears coach Mike Ditka, on Jeff Pearlman's new book that reveals the foibles of Walter Payton's life (NBC Chicago)

If you see a quote that you think should be in the next TWIQ, send it via email to quotes-at-footballoutsiders.com or via Twitter to @FO_RiversMcCown

Incidentally, Joe Buck should thank his lucky stars that FOX also employs Mike Pereira, who is not only completely useless in his role, he's a stooge as well. There's a reason you're an ex-head of officials, Mike. You make Matt Millen look competent.

Ohh man, I forgot about that one. I couldn't immediately remember where I'd read it before, so my brain attributed it to Raiderjoe. My brain then went on to construct a fairly convincing reply thread based on that, it was a pretty funny made-up conversation.
But then I remembered that I used to read the cheezburger sites.