The humorous adventures of a 40+ year old woman

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My love and I have known each other since we were 13 years old. That is a very long time to know anyone, especially as friends of the opposite sex. We stayed friends on Facebook and in real life all of these years (especially the last six of those) but neither of us had any idea the trauma that we both had been through in our marriages. I married a narcissist with very low self esteem who made everything my fault. He married the female version of my ex, except she drank and when she drank she became abusive. We both married people who threw “I want a divorce!” around like a verb.

Bottom line? We are slowly learning how to leave our exes behind and realize that we are not our exes. Tonight we had an argument over the phone that was minor, but his first accusation was “So, I guess this means we are breaking up?!”. No, that’s not what this was at all. I told him it was ridiculous and then realized it’s not… that’s what he was used to. A chapter from his book of divorce had just opened and affected me! Earlier in the day he made a joke about me napping instead of doing what I’d said I would. Normally we are on the same wavelength with humor and jokes, but it rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel guilty, like I wasn’t doing enough. A chapter from my previous life opened up and BOOM! sucker punched the poor guy in the mouth.

I’ve learned a lot about projecting lately, as I’ve had time to read and grow. I’m exhausted much of the time due to MS, work, and a back surgery coming up in two weeks. I realized tonight that we are projecting our pasts on each other without realizing it. This is incredibly common and something we both promised to work on.

Trying to love again after being with someone abusive (whether mentally, physically, or both) is a real challenge but we are up for that challenge.

We look forward to ending the chapter, reading the epilogue and closing the book.

I read back through my blog posts and laugh sometimes at the nicknames I gave some of these guys. It also makes me wonder what the HELL I was thinking dating more than a few of these douchecanoes. I chalk it up to being lonely and not wanting to die alone (I am completely serious when I say that). The diagnosis of MS came two years ago next month. I was living in Detroit, 1700 miles away from my lifelong friends (my love being one of those) and family. I kept it from most everyone until a few months ago. Everyone is so supportive. Now the running joke is “Remember all those times you just thought I was clumsy as hell and you laughed at me? Well now we know I had MS and you should feel terrible for laughing at me!!!”. My friends and family don’t think it’s as funny as I do, but it’s my way of dealing with this, but I digress…

Let’s get to the others and where they are today:

Country Boy- After I broke it off he ended up marrying another woman four months later. She hates me and I’m cool with that. Bullet dodged…. no wait, missile dodged with that one.

Secret Agent- Never heard from or contacted him again. He’s probably off doing secret agent shit.

The Ex-Husband- Once I got a serious boyfriend he started acting up, trying to modify our divorce decree. We talked. It’s all working out for the best. I’m truly over him and that’s the best feeling in the World.

Crazy Ex Girlfriend- I wrote him a “Goodbye” email and blocked him everywhere. Good riddance!
The Murse. This guy is so goddamned boring that all I can type is this sentence. I didn’t edit this from my previous post at all because it is still applicable. He’s blocked.
The Attorney- Blocked.

The Nerd- This guy is still my Facebook friend. He’s in a serious relationship. When I made my relationship Facebook Official he messaged me asking why I didn’t like him. Seriously? He blew me off. Enough said!

Creepy Cop- Never spoke again.

Veteran Cop- Never spoke again.

Cheer Dad- This guy unfriended me on Facebook after sending me a nasty text message accusing me of “using” him. I responded by sending him this:

Nothing. That’s the response he deserved! Blocked!

My life is so much easier now that I’m not dealing with dating. My relationship is healthy, fulfilling and full of love.

I look back on my Facebook timeline and see no sparkle in my eyes (unless I was with the kids). 2010-2013 was just a blur for me. There’s such sadness and pain in my photos. My eyes say it all. I look at my eyes now and they light up a room. I have the right friends in my life, the right people, the right mindset and the right love. I’ve come such a long way from the person I was years ago. My happiness is visible. My eyes are sparkling. If you’re in a place where your eyes aren’t sparkling and your heart is broken, put yourself first. I mean it! Do what it takes to heal your soul. I moved across the country. I took risks. I believed in myself with the greatest family and friends cheering me on. I cleaned my “friend” house and removed people who were stealing my joy. I forgave, even when I didn’t want to. I pampered myself. I read books that inspired me. I made new friends who accepted me. I became a better mother by doing these things. I became a better friend, sister and daughter. Most of all, I gave myself permission to love with abandon. I’ve fallen in love with a man who was a best friend first. I look back at those old photos and am proud of myself. I did it! I picked myself up, dusted myself off and am genuinely happy. All is well with my soul.

I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since my last post. I’ve kept up with you all via email, but I’ve not been compelled to write until now. My life has been a whirlwind of change, color, love, loss and growth in the past ten months.

I’m in a beautiful, loving relationship with the man I plan to marry this year. We graduated from high school together 30 years ago and were friends all of this time. He always wanted more, but neither of us knew that until last year. One day we were watching football having a beer and the next day we were kissing until our toes curled. It’s very easy to fall in love with one of your closest friends, but you learn things so intimately about a person you thought you knew so well that it blows your mind. We both know that we couldn’t have been together this way before now. We had to heal, learn and grow into the two people we are today.

I’ve had one child fly the coop. He’s now a proud Airman 1st Class in the USAF. I’ve watched my son go from a boy to a man since last August. I couldn’t be prouder of his choice to serve our country in Security Forces to uphold the law for the next six years.

My daughter is now a teenager. Anyone who says that 13 isn’t different from 12 is a goddamned liar. I find myself listening to her from the inside out, knowing that I said EXACTLY the same things to my mother 35 years ago. It is terrifying.

I come back to you all a happier, healthier (by 20 pounds!) more hopeful me.

Whelp, that was fast. Another one bites the dust. We settled in, got cozy and BAM! “Country Boy” drops a bomb on me that I seriously could not handle. This was a “run to your nearest safe place” moment for me. We’d been together only a few weeks when I found out something so terrible about him that I ended the relationship.

I sound like the biggest asshole on the planet for running the other way, but let me at least defend myself for a minute.

I knew him as a kid and graduated with his sister. When I say “kid” I mean it! He’s 10 years younger than me which is creepy as fuck to type. That means when I was graduating he was 8… But I digress.

When you date someone it’s my expectation that we proceed with caution. We slowly learn things about each other when the time is appropriate. “Country Boy” didn’t follow that rule. I had accepted his kids being shoved at me, which made me incredibly uncomfortable. He had them full time so I really couldn’t avoid that. We were all at a festival when I met them but I still don’t respect anyone who puts little hearts through a relationship that isn’t solid or developed. Do NOT throw your kids around from one relationship to the next.

1. It freaks people out.

2. It’s not cool to involve little people in this game called “dating”

I’d had a bit of excitement and let him know of a situation I was dealing with. It was minute in comparison to what he was about to lay on me.

I am what people today call an “empath”… Sadly, I take on the emotions of those around me. It’s painful and I struggle with separating myself from the pain of others. Being a nurse for all of these years is a bitch when you’re an empath.

I should’ve known something was coming when he said “Let me go in the bedroom and shut the door…” We were on the phone when he said this, mind you, and not face to face. We had been dating TWO weeks…

“Country Boy” proceeds to tell me in great detail about something horrible that happened to him as a child… By someone I knew. I was stunned.

I believe there needs to be a reasonable amount of time in a relationship before you start sharing your innermost thoughts and secrets. What he told me was a secret that most would never speak of to others. It was sad and more than a little devastating to hear. And that’s when I put both hands up and ended it. “Country Boy” couldn’t understand why I was silent after he dropped a seriously fucked up situation in my lap for my empath brain to try and immediately process. I shut down completely on a Tuesday night, saying goodbye to him and knowing I could never wrap my head around this trauma he had endured, not accept it, tolerate it or keep my mouth shut about it. That’s just me. I stand up for the underdog every time, unless it’s your brand new love interest in which you haven’t even gotten to third base with.

If ending this to maintain my own sanity was wrong, I don’t wanna be right. I literally can’t handle this about him. HE did nothing wrong and I made sure he knew that… And then I let him know I needed space.

In the blink of an eye it was over. It was fun while it lasted. Comfortable and safe. Don’t tell people your darkest secrets two weeks into dating them. Wait six months to a year AT LEAST for something like that, for fuck’s sake.

I wrote all about how to stop looking and that online dating wasn’t the answer. I’d started going to Meet Ups and was getting out of the house. Life was easy and I didn’t have to worry about creepy dates or lying men. It was fantastic. Then, BOOM. He came out of the blue. I wasn’t even expecting this to happen. I’m still stunned, honestly, to even say or type the words “I have a boyfriend”.

A girlfriend of mine just returned home after retiring from the US Army. She moved close to me and close to her family, so recently she called me and said “Come meet us out! We are country dancing.” Well, OK! I love to country dance and there are always cute country boys when we go country dancing. She texted me the location along with telling me her little brother would be there, too. I hadn’t seen her brother in 25 years, mainly because he was 7 when I graduated with his sister.

I got there and hugged her since I hadn’t seen her in forever and her brother was there. Let’s just say he’s most certainly not 7 anymore, is very handsome and two stepped with me all night. We had no intention of falling for each other that night. It was the strangest set of sparks I’d ever had. He’s almost ten years younger than me. He’s got facial hair (usually not my thing). He dips (not a preference but I can get past that). He’s tall, handsome and kind. He spun me around that dance floor and I wasn’t just dizzy from dancing. It was the first time he’d danced in years because his ex didn’t dance. He hadn’t forgotten, that’s for sure.

We went out again to make sure it wasn’t the beer. It wasn’t. We spent the weekend with all of our friends at a festival and it was fantastic. I don’t introduce anyone to my kids but this was unavoidable. It went well. We are trying to keep the kids out of this for now, but man he makes me smile. He’s a gentleman in every sense of the word.

He wants to move faster. I don’t. I want to take my time and make sure this is it, and that it’s right.

The funniest part about this weekend is that I was the host for a singles meet up at the festival. I’d agreed to that weeks ago so I did it… But with my boyfriend in tow.

Dating is weird. When you least expect it someone comes along that makes you smile. I’m living proof.

I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that I’ve stopped looking. In the past few nights I’ve had so much fun!

I promised to tell you about “Secret Agent” so here goes. At the Meet Up on Thursday I’d had dinner with Tim, talked to new people from other Meet Up groups and had a great time. I walked up to the bar to pay my tab and across the bar a VERY handsome man was smiling at me. Alex, our bartender (who had such beautiful eyes) said “That’s xxxx and he’s been looking at you all night. We both thought you were with the other guy.” (this is the only downside to sitting in groups with single men and women… You get Vajay-jay blocked!) “Secret Agent” smiled and motioned me over, grabbing a chair to sit next to him. We got to know each other a little better and were rolling with laughter at each other’s jokes.

I call him “Secret Agent” because that’s really what he does. He asked me what I did for a living and I explained my role in detail. He listened, wrapped up in my voice. Every time I smiled he said “You’re even prettier up close.” It was a sweet exchange and we were laughing and ribbing each other endlessly. Then I asked him what he did and SCREEEEEEEECH. He looked at me very seriously and said “I’d prefer not to talk about that.” My response was “We’re going to talk about it because I deserve to know if you’re going to jail tomorrow for a crime you didn’t commit or if you’re KGB or something and are poisoning me right this second!” That made him laugh, but still nothing. He had the look, so I made eye contact and said “Are you a cop?” Immediately, I was met with an emphatic “No”. I said “Is it Top Secret?” and his eyes met mine. He asked how I could possibly know that? I didn’t tell him it’s because I’ve got a family full of cops and investigators and a bunch of lying exes, so I know a thing or two about jobs that people don’t discuss around crowds and how people lie about what they do. I thought to myself “Either this guy thinks he’s pretty special and is pulling my leg OR there’s something in his past he’s not ready to talk about.” It was the latter. This man worked for the Department of Veteran’s Affairs. He was a decorated Marine with 20 years and multiple tours under his belt. He had scars from the war, most of which were not visible. He was open about his struggles with depression and PTSD. I liked him a lot, so when he asked if I’d like to share a pizza, we did.

I’m really enjoying “Meet Up”. It gets me out of the house, talking to others that are likeminded and screened. In public my personality shines. The nervousness and anxiety of a first date (usually disappointing) is gone. In public, men can see my smile, hear my distinctive laugh and see how my eyes crinkle softly around the edges when I smile .

It’s nice to be appreciated for being attractive (he complimented my outfit and nails) and wicked sense of humor than being treated like a piece of meat for sale. I hear an auctioneer in my head on these dates, with the highest bidder winning an hour of my time that I’ll never get back, then ghosting me afterward. It’s not remotely worth my time.

I may not hear from “Secret Agent” again, but it was a nice feeling to know that there was a mutual attraction, not leading to awkward sex. This seems to be such a practical way to meet future partners.

One other thing…men are competitive as hell, so in a room full of singles, being a tall, intelligent woman with curves in the right places, throwing her head back and laughing with abandon gives me the home field advantage.

I’ve had some interesting things happen this week… I went to my second Meet Up and had a lot of fun, again! I’d highly recommend finding a group of people you click with to hang out with (as long as they’re not lame) over online dating. I’ll tell you more about “Secret Agent” later.

I let my kids get a KITTEN! This is a big deal because I’m highly allergic to cats and I’m not a fan of anything feline related. I used to have cats years ago and had a horrible experience with them both, thus I think I blocked out even liking photos of cats after that. I loved Scooter and Buddy so much! My ex rescued them both and I fell in love with them. Scooter was a beautiful, long haired boy with a half-squished face and tufts of fur between his toes. Buddy was a Siamese mix and such a loving cat. Buddy got out the day we were moving 800 miles away and we stayed an extra day scouring the neighborhood for him. We had to leave him behind which was heartbreaking. We notified the local shelter and left our information so that in the event he was found I could fly back and get him. Scooter cried for over a week at the loss of his kitty BFF. We never saw Buddy again. Several years later, our son was born, and within months it was determined that he had horrible allergies. Children that young aren’t diagnosed with asthma so we did breathing treatments and everything we possibly could to help alleviate his symptoms. One of the decisions we had to make was removing all allergens from the home. Scooter, sadly, was one of the biggest problems for our son. We found him a “great” home with a fellow police officer. We gave his wife everything we had for him including his favorite blanket, with explicit instructions to call us (the guys worked together) if anything happened and they couldn’t keep him. Six weeks later my ex inquired about Scooter and was told he was dead. He’d developed a mysterious “cancer” and they’d put him to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. We’d had Scooter for five years and he was healthy and happy. They killed our cat and didn’t even call us! I was furious and heartbroken. The only thing that saved that couple’s lives is the fact that punching a police officer is a felony. I don’t look good in prison orange.

This baby kitten, Stella, is nestled in my neck asleep. My eyes are not yet swollen shut, but I’ll be investing in Zyrtec and Nasacort Sam’s Club style.

All jacked up… That’s a Southern saying if you’ve never heard that before. It’s what my dating life has been for weeks and weeks and frankly, I’m exhausted.

Dating blows.

During the course of reading another person’s blog I came across this really cool app and decided to check it out.

I’m a very outgoing person by nature. I have a presence when I enter a room. It’s not for show, it’s just my personality. I’m not a wallflower. I like to be in the middle of all of the fun. Meeting new people makes me happy to my core.

I joined a few groups of singles close by and was immediately welcomed by my new friend Tim to Frisco Singles. They had a happy hour with sushi planned the next day so I RSVP’d and was very excited about the prospect of meeting other singles, both men and women in a safe environment.

I got ready, excited to walk into a room full of like minded singles without any pressure, able to just be my loud, silly self. They did NOT disappoint! I was greeted immediately by both the men and women. They warmly welcomed me to join them (probably 15 people) and I made fast friends with Tim. He’s already “promoted” me to an Event Organizer because we had so much fun!

I made friends with a great lady, Laurie and another guy friend Scott. Laurie and I went to watch Scott’s hockey team beat their opponents and the three of us had a beer afterward. We exchanged numbers. What a fun, relaxing, carefree night.

Tim reiterated last night that we tend to find love when we least expect it. The men in attendance were all attractive. I think I’ve found a great group of new friends, and to me that’s better than 15 dates with Tinder losers.

Just had my first experience with someone being a hypercritical asshole on here. He felt the need to criticize how a wrote a certain sentence. Sometimes I wonder what people who treat others this way gain from this? If I correct the sentence does that make him feel all better? Does he “win” because he pointed that out? The funny thing is, I typed it in haste and he’s correct but there was no need to point it out and be an asshole about it.

I’m going to leave the sentence the way it is so that it bugs the hell out of people like him.

Grammar Asshole just wrote about fungi. Fascinating stuff. I feel sorry for people like him who can’t see the truth or pain in someone’s words and feels the need to point out an error made by another person who enjoys writing and is learning to blog.
Go Fuck Yourself, Grammar Asshole. With a dictionary.