Bill DeMarco Takes a Look Back at 2005, The Year That Almost Wasn’t

I look in my coffee and what do I see, I see double-0-5 tryin’ to piss on me. Not a great year for me folks. Lots of setbacks. A lot. My landlord gives me a cease and desist. No bass playing after five. We have a few “words.” My Christmas stocking includes a fax of a dental bill. Ho ho ho. ’005 was full of crap like this. Made me feel like a real Persona Non Grata (trans: “Person Without Cheese”)

Anyway, I bring up all this negativity because it’s by concentrating on the negative that hope brightens things that much less faintly. You, the readers of Losanjealous, gave us a very special gift. You voted us World’s Best Gay Blog. For that we thank you. I know we had stiff competition (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha). I personally try to reach out to everyone, but if in so doing some read my writing as gay, or homoerotic, or camp, or in some way expressing a discretely different wavelength, flickering in the crease of the cocktail napkin, the spring up the escalator, or in the semaphore of books stacked too neatly at the corner of the library table (Castles of Scotland, a mylar-bound People from 1998, etc.), then I say what the hell, thank you. I mean we all have something to hide right? I don’t even like coffee. So thank you. All fifteen of you. (Just kidding. I do like coffee. . .but I have been known to drink tea ;P)

And we (?????–ed.) at Losanjealous want to reward you. I Bill DeMarco do hereby establish the Bill DeMarco PerfectSmart card. What does it do? It gives you options. Perfect. Smart. The PerfectSmart card. How do you get one? Simply find your favorite Bill DeMarco’s Los Angeles column and write an anagram of it. The whole thing. And no duplication of words from original to adaptation. (i.e. none of the entries will have the word “coffee” in them, or “the” for example) One entry might start “Llib DeMacro’s Log Asneles” for example. Easy.

What can you get with the PerfectSmart card? Access. Access to a world of options. I write a lot. A lot of great stuff. Most of what I write is treatments and screenplays. Collect PerfectSmart points and you can win and read Bill DeMarco treatments and screenplays before anyone else does. . .and see what everybody’s talking about!

Here are some thumbnails of what I’m working on. Some network, some cable, some just in a frame above a urinal. I don’t discriminate. Neither should you (yeah I can see how I do sound gay, that was totally natural for me). Interested? You should be. You know where you are. You know what you’re doing. Time to live a little. Can you say hungry? Bill DeMarco can. Here’s what you can look forward to:

500 Points:

To Protect and Serve–Officer Sam Martinez must balance being a cop and a sexy lady. Episodic.

Habeas Corpus–lawyers use forensic science to win cases. Episodic.

Lips Together, Teeth Apart–picks up where characters in play left off. Episodic.

Present Company Excepted–five sarcastic roommates cope with each other and the suicide of a friend. Episodic.

Never Mind!–two hot music execs use forensic science to sign bands. Episodic.

50 Points:

Off The Deep End–programming for children. Instructional.

Gay Cops: Gay cops. Episodic.

These are just a few of the rare birds to be found in my zoo of hits. And there are oh so many more of those where those came from. And just as well written, with just as much buzz. Sneak a peak before. . .it’s. . .uh. . .um. . .

As you can see it pays to read Bill DeMarco. Welcome to the first year of the rest of your life.

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5 Responses

[…] Positioned in the center of as cool and peaceful a cement-paved municipal plaza as you’ll find, this little shack recalls the pueblos that dotted the untamed thickets of what was to become downtown. The poblaneros might have felt not out of place here ordering a frothy macchiato after a hard day of grinding masa and bundling fajinas (”faggots”–ed.) I smile fondly to myself thinking such thoughts as I order a soy Americano and hand the cashier my credit card. “I’m sorry I don’t think this is a credit card,” comes the unexpected response. Huh? She hands me back my PerfectSmart card. […]

[…] Scorned! My rank provocation has become a license for whimsy. I should be defiant in the face of such insolence but Casagrande’s instructions dissolve my self-respect. And I’ve got a dental bill to pay for. “Hey guys if you could just sign a tote bag, it’d be really cool.” “Dude, fuck off,” comes the response from the lead singer who has finished kissing his guitar player. […]