Duo choked off a laugh. That was a major understatement. He knew that
he'd been worse than useless during the meeting. He just couldn't seem to
stay focussed. Too little sleep, too many nightmares. Too many memories.
Too much damn guilt.

"I think we'd better go ahead and make the trip to visit the damn
ba... transitional facility," Duo sighed. "Puttin' it off isn't
going to make it any easier." If anything, the anticipation was making
the damn dreams even worse.

"You sure?" Heero asked, his concern clearly audible.

"No," Duo answered honestly. "But I don't think there's
any real choice at this point. Once I opened the door on all these old memories,
I pretty much committed myself to dealin' with them. Don't think I can just
stuff'em back away and ignore them again, no matter how tempting that might
seem."

"Do you want to schedule a visit or just show up?"

"Just show up," Duo replied. In part, because he wanted to
see exactly what the place was like when they didn't know someone was coming.
And there *would* - or rather, *should* - be something to see, since supposedly
the "evaluation and rehabilitation" program was already up and
running, dealing with however many homeless had voluntarily vacated the
neighbourhood when the opportunity was offered to them. A lifetime of suspicion
of government "programs" - and things in general that seemed almost
too good to be true - left him skeptical about this one and he wanted to
see the evidence for himself. Though he would have been far *more* skeptical
if it had been more perfect. As it was, it had just enough flaws to seem
genuine.

But he also wanted to just show up because he was a little bit afraid
that he might get there and not be able to go through with it. Not be able
to actually set foot on the base. To actually walk through the immense garage
that had once housed mobile suits and transports. That had housed the loaded
transport he had stolen, dooming the church and those he loved.

Duo shuddered and pressed himself more firmly against Heero, thankful
for his solid, reassuring presence. Doubly thankful that Heero had changed
enough to be capable of providing emotional support. Though "changed"
was perhaps not the correct term. Because the deep-down things that made
Heero the person he was hadn't *changed*. Rather, Heero had *grown*, leaving
behind the silent, emotionally-repressed, duty-bound boy to become a quiet,
stable, reliable man. A man that Duo was proud to have as his best friend.

A man that he was probably embarrassing the hell out of by continuing
to cling to him in the middle of a busy salvage yard.

'Dammit, I completely forgot where we were,' Duo thought disgustedly
as the beeping of a reversing piece of heavy equipment caught his attention.
He gently pushed free of Heero's embrace with a sheepish grin. "Sorry,
Heero. Forgot where we were. Seeing as I am obviously completely useless
for work today and probably not exactly fit to be driving home either, how
about we both go tell Hilde we're playing hooky and get out of here?"

"Sure," Heero agreed, turning to head back into the office.

"It's too late in the day to go - there - today, but maybe we should
just tell Hilde we're taking tomorrow off too and go get it over with,"
Duo said as they crossed the yard together.

"It's up to you, Duo," Heero responded. "If you think
you need to get this out of the way, fine. If not, that's fine too."

Duo passed through the door that Heero was holding open for him, then
paused to look back over his shoulder. "Have I told you lately what
a great guy you are? 'Cause if not, I'd better say it again. In fact, I'll
say it again just for good measure. You're a great guy and a terrific best
friend, Heero. You know that, don't you?"

Heero gave him a small smile and reached out to give his braid a very
tiny, teasing tug. "You're a pretty great guy yourself, Duo. And if
I'm a terrific best friend, it's because I had such a great example to learn
from."

"Alright, alright already. Enough with the back-patting you two.
How's a girl supposed to get any work done around here with your mutual-admiration
society distracting her?" Hilde demanded from her office doorway. Hands
on her hips, she directed a mock-glare at the two of them and ordered, "Out!
Both of you! I don't want to see either of you again till sometime next
week. If then! And that's an order!"

"Uh-oh, she's on the warpath Heero. We'd better get while the getting's
good..." Duo warned with a grin, his spirits lightening in response
to the wordplay.

Hilde laughingly ordered, "Get out of here, you brat!" Then,
stepping closer to Duo, she told him more seriously, "Duo, take as
much time off as you need to. You and Heero both. Rick's going to be in
town all week next week, so he'll help out here if necessary. You just look
after yourself. And let Mr. Terrific Best Friend there look after you too.
Got that, brat?"

"Got it," Duo agreed solemnly. "Thanks, Hil. I'm sorry
about today - I should have just let you go alone to start with."

With a dismissive wave, Hilde said, "Don't worry about it. We weren't
overly thrilled with the margin on that contract anyway, so if she ends
up choosing someone else, it's no great loss. I'm more worried about *you*."

Duo gave her a hug, thankful once again for the support of friends. "I'll
be okay. I just need to lay a few memories to rest."

At least, he hoped that was all he needed to do. If going back and facing
the memories didn't work... Well, he'd already tried talking them out. It
was a wonder Heero wasn't having *his* nightmares by now, after all the
times he'd repeated them to Heero in all their painful detail over the past
couple of weeks. He wasn't too sure what he would try if facing the past
head-on didn't help. Seeing a therapist was about the absolute last option
he would consider; he simply could not imagine telling a stranger everything
he'd told Heero. He'd told him things that he'd never told *anyone* before.
Told him things he'd never even *imagined* telling anyone. And it *had*
helped. Now he was sometimes able to sleep nightmare-free for the remainder
of the night after getting that first nightmare and its discussion over
with. But that first one of the night seemed pretty much unavoidable so
far.

'I just hope going back lets me finally put the past to rest,' Duo thought.
He knew it would always be with him to some extent. That he would probably
always have occasional nightmares. That was unavoidable. He just wanted
the nightmares to *be* occasional, not nightly. To not spend his days alternately
dreading the coming of night and getting lost in memories. To not feel so
damn guilty because he'd lived while those around him died of disease or
hunger or violence. Lived while others died because of his actions. Lived
to become Shinigami and cause the deaths of countless others during the
colonies' violent quest for peace.

With an effort, Duo broke off that train of thought before he ended up
depressing himself even further. As he followed Heero out to the car, he
thought, 'Well, I guess I'll find out soon enough whether facing my memories
back where they happened will help or make things worse. Tomorrow. We'll
go to the old Alliance base tomorrow.'

Duo choked off a laugh. That was a major understatement. He knew that
he'd been worse than useless during the meeting. He just couldn't seem to
stay focussed. Too little sleep, too many nightmares. Too many memories.
Too much damn guilt.

"I think we'd better go ahead and make the trip to visit the damn
ba... transitional facility," Duo sighed. "Puttin' it off isn't
going to make it any easier." If anything, the anticipation was making
the damn dreams even worse.

"You sure?" Heero asked, his concern clearly audible.

"No," Duo answered honestly. "But I don't think there's
any real choice at this point. Once I opened the door on all these old memories,
I pretty much committed myself to dealin' with them. Don't think I can just
stuff'em back away and ignore them again, no matter how tempting that might
seem."

"Do you want to schedule a visit or just show up?"

"Just show up," Duo replied. In part, because he wanted to
see exactly what the place was like when they didn't know someone was coming.
And there *would* - or rather, *should* - be something to see, since supposedly
the "evaluation and rehabilitation" program was already up and
running, dealing with however many homeless had voluntarily vacated the
neighbourhood when the opportunity was offered to them. A lifetime of suspicion
of government "programs" - and things in general that seemed almost
too good to be true - left him skeptical about this one and he wanted to
see the evidence for himself. Though he would have been far *more* skeptical
if it had been more perfect. As it was, it had just enough flaws to seem
genuine.

But he also wanted to just show up because he was a little bit afraid
that he might get there and not be able to go through with it. Not be able
to actually set foot on the base. To actually walk through the immense garage
that had once housed mobile suits and transports. That had housed the loaded
transport he had stolen, dooming the church and those he loved.

Duo shuddered and pressed himself more firmly against Heero, thankful
for his solid, reassuring presence. Doubly thankful that Heero had changed
enough to be capable of providing emotional support. Though "changed"
was perhaps not the correct term. Because the deep-down things that made
Heero the person he was hadn't *changed*. Rather, Heero had *grown*, leaving
behind the silent, emotionally-repressed, duty-bound boy to become a quiet,
stable, reliable man. A man that Duo was proud to have as his best friend.

A man that he was probably embarrassing the hell out of by continuing
to cling to him in the middle of a busy salvage yard.

'Dammit, I completely forgot where we were,' Duo thought disgustedly
as the beeping of a reversing piece of heavy equipment caught his attention.
He gently pushed free of Heero's embrace with a sheepish grin. "Sorry,
Heero. Forgot where we were. Seeing as I am obviously completely useless
for work today and probably not exactly fit to be driving home either, how
about we both go tell Hilde we're playing hooky and get out of here?"

"Sure," Heero agreed, turning to head back into the office.

"It's too late in the day to go - there - today, but maybe we should
just tell Hilde we're taking tomorrow off too and go get it over with,"
Duo said as they crossed the yard together.

"It's up to you, Duo," Heero responded. "If you think
you need to get this out of the way, fine. If not, that's fine too."

Duo passed through the door that Heero was holding open for him, then
paused to look back over his shoulder. "Have I told you lately what
a great guy you are? 'Cause if not, I'd better say it again. In fact, I'll
say it again just for good measure. You're a great guy and a terrific best
friend, Heero. You know that, don't you?"

Heero gave him a small smile and reached out to give his braid a very
tiny, teasing tug. "You're a pretty great guy yourself, Duo. And if
I'm a terrific best friend, it's because I had such a great example to learn
from."

"Alright, alright already. Enough with the back-patting you two.
How's a girl supposed to get any work done around here with your mutual-admiration
society distracting her?" Hilde demanded from her office doorway. Hands
on her hips, she directed a mock-glare at the two of them and ordered, "Out!
Both of you! I don't want to see either of you again till sometime next
week. If then! And that's an order!"

"Uh-oh, she's on the warpath Heero. We'd better get while the getting's
good..." Duo warned with a grin, his spirits lightening in response
to the wordplay.

Hilde laughingly ordered, "Get out of here, you brat!" Then,
stepping closer to Duo, she told him more seriously, "Duo, take as
much time off as you need to. You and Heero both. Rick's going to be in
town all week next week, so he'll help out here if necessary. You just look
after yourself. And let Mr. Terrific Best Friend there look after you too.
Got that, brat?"

"Got it," Duo agreed solemnly. "Thanks, Hil. I'm sorry
about today - I should have just let you go alone to start with."

With a dismissive wave, Hilde said, "Don't worry about it. We weren't
overly thrilled with the margin on that contract anyway, so if she ends
up choosing someone else, it's no great loss. I'm more worried about *you*."

Duo gave her a hug, thankful once again for the support of friends. "I'll
be okay. I just need to lay a few memories to rest."

At least, he hoped that was all he needed to do. If going back and facing
the memories didn't work... Well, he'd already tried talking them out. It
was a wonder Heero wasn't having *his* nightmares by now, after all the
times he'd repeated them to Heero in all their painful detail over the past
couple of weeks. He wasn't too sure what he would try if facing the past
head-on didn't help. Seeing a therapist was about the absolute last option
he would consider; he simply could not imagine telling a stranger everything
he'd told Heero. He'd told him things that he'd never told *anyone* before.
Told him things he'd never even *imagined* telling anyone. And it *had*
helped. Now he was sometimes able to sleep nightmare-free for the remainder
of the night after getting that first nightmare and its discussion over
with. But that first one of the night seemed pretty much unavoidable so
far.

'I just hope going back lets me finally put the past to rest,' Duo thought.
He knew it would always be with him to some extent. That he would probably
always have occasional nightmares. That was unavoidable. He just wanted
the nightmares to *be* occasional, not nightly. To not spend his days alternately
dreading the coming of night and getting lost in memories. To not feel so
damn guilty because he'd lived while those around him died of disease or
hunger or violence. Lived while others died because of his actions. Lived
to become Shinigami and cause the deaths of countless others during the
colonies' violent quest for peace.

With an effort, Duo broke off that train of thought before he ended up
depressing himself even further. As he followed Heero out to the car, he
thought, 'Well, I guess I'll find out soon enough whether facing my memories
back where they happened will help or make things worse. Tomorrow. We'll
go to the old Alliance base tomorrow.'