The Anti-Housewife’s Guide To Preparing Thanksgiving Dinner

It’s that time of the year again. All of the real housewives are sharpening their knives, ironing extra linens for their guest bedrooms and putting together their holiday menus. You, however, are the Anti-Housewife. You are preparing for Thanksgiving by thanking God that you survived another year of botched meals without burning down your poor kitchen.

When you run to the supermarket, it is for another bag of chocolate-covered pretzels to accompany your late night viewing of “Bridezillas.” You walk past all of the Betty Crockers picking out the biggest turkeys for their Thanksgiving extravaganzas, and head straight to the candy aisle, stopping to pick up a Lunchables for your son along the way. You did not buy fancy twenty-dollar auburn candles for your living room, and there is no welcoming wreath outside of your front door. In your opinion, Doomsday is upon us. Well, worry you not, Anti-Housewife! This is a guide tailored specifically to your domestic shortcomings.

Here are 5 tips to help you deal with the Thanksgiving monster your way, on your terms:

1.) Ladies, Place Your Orders!

Do not let your cooking inabilities rob your family of the classic Thanksgiving sit-down-dinner experience. Find the nearest caterer and place your orders! This is prime time for restaurants to make money, so many places do offer catering for all of us anti-housewives who can’t boil water. Place your orders now to ensure that you can preside triumphantly over a well-roasted turkey on the big day!

2.) Do Not Try To Be Anything You Are Not

If you are not into decorating, do not go out and buy a ton of holiday-themed accoutrements to impress your guests. Doing so will just stress you out. Stick with what you like and normally do. If you like flowers, just opt for a holiday-themed bouquet. Leave the hard work to the florist. If you hate to cook, don’t. Don’t over-extend yourself.

3.) Feel Free To Abandon Tradition

Sure, Thanksgiving is known as the day where families sit down to a meal, and give thanks over caramelized onions and creme brulee. If this is not your ideal way of celebrating the holiday, then ditch it. Opt for a late cocktail party with other friends and toast to the holiday instead of slaving over a giant bird in the kitchen. It’s just a holiday; do with it what you will, or want.

4.) Keep Things To A Minimum

Do not feel as though you must invite every single branch, twig and leaf of your family tree to your house for Thanksgiving. Not everyone has to eat at the expense of your sanity. Do not go crazy preparing a meal big enough to feed all 200 of your hungry little family members. Uncle Sammy’s half-brother’s cousin does not need an invite. Keep your guest list limited to those that you really want to be with on Thanksgiving.

5.) Just Give It Your Best Shot

I guarantee that your hubby will not divorce you if your Thanksgiving is a little bit wackier than you’d hoped. He will probably be a little bit amused watching you pull a five-pound mound of burnt turkey out of the smoking oven. Thanksgiving is just one day. You have 364 more to redeem yourself. Take a deep breath and don’t stress.