2011-2014. The original blog that got it all started. It represents reflections I had and sharing I did, during a time period in my life, freshly post autism diagnosis, worsening illness, though I wasn't yet clear on things. I was trying to process and going through a lot of hard learning. There's some good stuff in here, which helped others, and there's also some stuff that no longer reflects my situation and/or evolved insights. Please read with this in mind.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Entry 50: Why Should We Change For You, Why Can’t You Change For Us

There are so many gifts my ASC self-realization has brought me.
One big gift, which was always (until now) one of the biggest sources of my
broken hearted emptiness, which is beginning to fill) is: good female friends.
Well, I’ve made all kinds of great friends, but it’s nice to be friends with
more women who “get it” the way I do.

In lieu of knowing this, it also makes me think about deeper
reason. It starts with thinking: wow, I actually have some great female
friends!! Well, I did have a close girl friend or two in the past, as a teen,
but bad experiences with most other girls. Well, I love having all these new
friends whom I feel I can really relate to, and yes, the long desired
"girl-friends"... that's something mostly new to me!

It’s good to feel you have more genuine friends that understand
the real you, whence we can love and value each other mutually. Whence ideas,
depth, compassion, and fun meet.

This is something most girls desire to have very much, other
girl friends. I did not get to have experience this before meeting other
“Aspergirls.”

I had always been isolated from other girls especially, who, no
matter how nice I was, only got meaner or just saw me as "Oh so…since
she's nice, and wants so badly for us to like her, this equals: let's boss her
around, put her down passive aggressively because we're jealous and want her to
feel bad, so we can feel better about ourselves, and lets' use her as a gopher
etc."

Most aspie ladies tend to keep a mind of their own, when it
comesto a possession by this usual NT
female manifestation of social mind viruses, like this "mean girls"
stuff: b*tchy, judgmental, icy, competitive, psychologically abusive even. Well,
maybe we’re not “immune” but it happens a lot less, anyway. Sometimes women can
be competitive with each other, but even when I see it, I see more envy than I
do “nasty jealousy.” We tend to try a lot harder to overcome what we know is
silly and will hurt another.

Just as all aspies, male and female, we seem to be far less
likely to pick up on various unethical but somehow acceptable social behaviors
such as the above. So in lieu of that, I think the blessing-in-diguise that we
have might be: not being able to pick up on the surface social nuances that cue
people into accepting something as socially acceptable, even if it's actually
inhumane. To put it bluntly: brainwashing...and subsequent desensitization.

Also, we tend to be hyper empathic and moral in addition; and
these two are somehow intertwined in the most unique way... which I love 'cause
it allows us to never accept something as a "rule" or
"moral" when it does not make metaphysical/karma-tic sense.

Well, this isn't' always entirely true because when we are
younger and hurting badly within ourselves. In this state our empathy can/may
have become blocked and we may say or do things we don't really mean at
all...in a trauma-reactive-meltdown sort of state. However, I’m talking about
who we really are, many of us.

Anyone’s empathy can become blocked in that state, especially if
they have an excess of it; but this is not a true representation of the person
though. The difference between one in this state, and a true "abuser"
type is clear to me.

I don't know why it wouldn't be clearer to psych clinicians; but
it isn't. Hence why they invented “personality disorders” and such," in
which are not only ridiculous and lacking clarity of meaning, but only further
stigmatize someone possibly in crucial need of trauma therapy *shakes head*...

Anyways, that was a bit off onto the wayside, but I thought I'd
mention it in retrospect. Also, there are NT's out there who are also Empaths.
I call them N.A.E.s (non autistic empaths, haha.) They are our greatest allies,
and some of them have helped and supported us a lot especially in recent times.

All I'm saying is, Au people seem to be less likely to pick up
on and/or reject these unethical "social practices" in which are a
lot to do with the worlds' current state of highly corporate indoctrination.
People themselves aren't the only ones being disrespected; it's The Earth
herself.

This shows with the blatant lack of consciousness for the state
of the environment, how grossly money is wasted and unevenly distributed, how
obsessed people are with "needing" material but then, how resistant
they are to part with money when there is a deep and needed purpose... and how
serious it's all becoming. So serious that it's starting to get exposed...
which isn't a bad thing.

Actually, to be more optimistic, we are in a not only important,
but mandatory (for the sake of our continuing existence) shift...and it's in
part thanks to Au people, as well as those who empathetically support us.
Ultimately, there are many reasons why our brains are wired the way they are.
The ultimate example is the one I've outlined: our apparent
"disability" with picking up social nuances.

Due to this, we seem to be mostly immune to indoctrination and
overly following, without thinking for ourselves and with our hearts.

So this is a disability, you say? I don't think so! *We're for
a reason, and it isn't for treason, so let go of your fears and hold us so
dear...why should we change for you, why can't you change for us?

The reality is this: we must not collect dust" Yes, why can't
you change for us, and also for yourselves? Because I know people are meant to
be good.

Humanity is supposed to be good:
autistic or not, its' meant to be good, and of Love, predominantly. The rest is
a sad case of sociological possession. Ultimately: *Why can't you change for*:
The Earth. Yes, the earth! Before it’s too late. that's what it's really all
about brothers and sisters...and that's actually the polar opposite to
"treason."

We're here to help the world, and that we are. If we collect
dust, then so does the earth. However, we won't: we have “Indigo Light sabers? in
the form of something called "Compelled"...