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I Watched the First Episode of Bridalplasty—That’ll Be the Last Episode I Watch!

What one bride said in the first minute of Bridalplasty—which premiered last night—pretty much sums up my feelings on the entire hour ....

“What the #@$% is wrong with you people?”

I’m not sure who I’m more annoyed with: the brides who appear on the show or the TV people who dreamed it up. (Read the premise of Bridalplasty here.) At the end of the day, these girls just don’t need plastic surgery. (None of them are, say, severely disfigured.) Sure, I can see why some might want to tone up, but I think they’d be happier (and healthier!) if they hit the gym. And most of them are so hell-bent on achieving wedding perfection that they’ve lost sight of what really matters—getting married.

Here are some choice quotes that I noted as I watched the first episode, along with my commentary in italics.

“I’m sacrificing leaving my fiance, who’s so dear to me [while I tape the show for several weeks]. It’s hard ... but it’s for a good deed.” —Lisa MarieNote to Lisa Marie: Building wells in Africa is a good deed. Subjecting yourself to elective surgery? NOT a good deed.

“If you’re having a dream wedding, then obviously you’re going to want a dream body.” —Antoine, Alexandra’s fiance, in their audition video.Are you kidding me, buddy? I’m SO happy I married a guy who would never utter those words.

“I think I’ll always regret not being the one at the airport to welcome him home, but at the same time, this is for the both of us.” —Melissa, whose husband has been in Iraq for eight months; she chose to go on the show rather that greeting him upon his returnUm, if you’re “always” going to regret not being there, maybe you should ... be there!

“I was surprised when I met you guys, because you’re all so BASICALLY good looking.” —Dr. Dubrow, the cast plastic surgeonThanks for the non-compliment, doc.

“I could go to a bar, put a dollar bill in my bra, and find it three days later on the bottom of my boob.” —AllysonThis girl is hilarious. She doesn’t need plastic surgery to make her awesome. (No woman does!)

“You have PERFECT breasts ... for doing a breast augmentation.” —Dr. DubrowAgain, with the non-compliments, doc. I think I’d like you better if you didn’t talk.

“I could swallow [the skinny bitches], for real. And you wouldn’t even know. You’d be like, ‘Oh, are you bloated?’” —AshleyAshley’s also super-funny. I would totally be friends with her. If she weren’t obsessed with plastic surgery.

“Having 15 surgeries—or more? That’s a lot. But having complete confidence? That’s the best thing you can give a girl.” —Lisa MarieLisa Marie’s going to need a LOT more than surgery to be confident.

“One of the main reasons I want plastic surgery is that there are certain dresses I do NOT feel comfortable in.” —Netty.If you don’t feel comfortable in a dress, try getting another dress. Not another body.