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Personal issues -internal problems and behaviors that cause you problems in relationships

Edit 1: Girlfriend's throwaway is THORneedsANOTHER, read her comment for her thoughts & feelings. I'll make a new update post soon.

I posted this a couple days ago, but the post was ruined by some troll. I deleted the old post and made this in hopes of receiving some real feedback.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as I can. Which means this is still going to be long. Because it has been 3 years now and a lot has happened. I only ask that you read this knowing that I have been dating this girl that I love for 3 years now. We've been though ups and downs and everything in-between, but the hate and anger my sister feels for my girlfriend has prevented us from being able to regularly be together with my family about 3 years now. Here's why...

I met my current girlfriend because she was my sister's best friend about 4-5 years ago. My girlfriend spent a lot of time with my sister and my family, and eventually we grew close. After realizing I had an interest in her around 4 years ago, I decided to go after her one night. This night of goofing off and movie watching ended with my sister smiling at the two of us, saying "I'll leave you two alone." That night, things began to develop between my current girlfriend and I. At first it was strictly a friends-with-benefits deal. We'd hang out, make out, watch movies, etc. This was mostly because this meant she got to sleep over my house. We never had sex, as I knew she was too young, and I wanted both of our first times to be with people in a serious, long-term relationship at a later age. At the time, I was actually friends with my sister, and we got along really well. Since my sister was active in a sport, she was usually tired by 12-1am, leaving her friend (my now gf) and I to fool around when she went to bed. We all stayed close friends, there just happened to be more serious things between me and my now girlfriend going on late at night. All three of us had a lot of fun just going places with my family and being teenagers. During this time everything was kept completely secret except for a couple best friends here and there.

As I entered my junior year of high school (a few months after the fwb relationship began), I started going after a "new girl" closer to my age with the now HUGE ego I had. One that was not my sister's friend. This led my now girlfriend to pursue another relationship as well. Unfortunately, my attempted relationship with "new girl" was an utter disaster. My now girlfriend was there for me in every way that a good friend could possibly be. She supported me as much as she could, but things were long over (for me and "new girl") by the time junior year ended.

During this time she had been dating a guy about a year younger than me. This individual (unbeknownst to me and my now girlfriend) was about as scummy as they come. He regularly made her feel terrible, and coerced her into doing things sexually that she was not comfortable with. To say the least, we dislike this person more than anyone we've ever met. After my now girlfriend and I went on a vacation with my family (during which we remained completely platonic friends. i do not cheat or date/befriend cheaters), this scumbag guy decides that she cheated on him with me, and so he begins to go after my now girlfriend's best friend (not my sister). He breaks up with my now girlfriend once he lands her best friend. The usual "my boyfriend broke up with me to date my best friend" drama ensues.

A couple months after this happens, me and my now girlfriend are on close and friendly terms again. One night she tells me that she likes me. I have to think about this, as I like her a lot too, but I realize that my sister would probably not support a serious relationship between us (despite her being very giddy/silly about us fooling around previously). There's also the age gap to consider, and I'm going into my senior year of highschool (she's going to be a freshman). But after taking my time to think and go over things, and knowing "I already know this girl better than I've ever known another human being", I decided to give things a shot.

At the time, I was not sure where things would lead, and I was very realistic and honest with her. After all, it was my senior year, god knows high school relationships don't usually last.

This relationship began in late June of 2009. At the time, we kept it a secret. Neither of us told my sister, who at the time, was one of her best friends. This was a huge mistake. By September of 2009, we could not handle keeping it secret any longer. We really are not the kind to lie to friends and family, and this is the biggest thing (and really only serious thing) I have ever kept from them.

A shitstorm ensued.

My sister was upset, my mom was upset, my dad was "oh gosh here comes drama." I never expected the reactions of my mom and sister to be so bad. After all, we had never put our relationship before our close friendships with other people. After all, how could we? Our relationship largely consisted of texting and calling in the night where nobody could hear us, and knowing glances and smiles in the school hallways. We thought that my friends and family would be overjoyed to hear that me and her were together. After all, at this point she had met almost my entire family, and they all loved her. Constant mentions of "you guys should date" were actually made by various family members (on my side) all while we kept things secret.

My friends were very happy for us when they found out. Suddenly all that newfound ego I had made sense. All of my girlfriend's friends (with the exception of my sister) were pretty excited, and I knew a couple of them already. My other family was even very excited, until my mom and sister told them that they should feel otherwise. With her family, things were awkward at first. But since then I have grown extremely close with them.

After all of the fighting died down, my sister stopped talking to me completely. My mom hated my girlfriend, and was constantly making snide remarks about everything she could to belittle our relationship or tell me that I should be dating someone else. My sister constantly threw fits and temper tantrums at mentions of my girlfriend or things reminding her of us. Multiple times were presents or gifts from my girlfriend found torn up and strewn about my bedroom because my sister had come in and snooped around until she found something to break. I still have tiny shreds from a torn up letter and giftwrap that my girlfriend gave to me for Christmas '09 in the bottom of my drawer.

This all died down eventually, as things usually tend to do. Since the big night of telling everyone the truth, my girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, gone through long distance while I was at a distant college, and have tackled all the problems that these relationships tend to come with. I have never felt so sure of something in my life. Though it's absolutely not the time for such things, one of my closest friends made a "oh gosh you're not gonna propose to her right?!" joke the other night when I told him I had something serious to talk to him about. My entire groups of friends, family and her friends & family (with the exception of my mom and sister) have supported our relationship as well; with my older sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. always asking me how we are and if we want to make plans with them.

Throughout this whole thing, I continued to try and explain how I felt to my mom. This was hard because I was away at college, but soon the anger she had towards me and my girlfriend died down. Since then my girlfriend has become welcome in my home (to the point of my mom suggesting she come over), but only when my sister is gone. This is because to this day, my sister reacts with anger, spewing curse words and derogatory comments towards both me and my girlfriend (though my girlfriend is not present for these outbursts). These outbursts are met with my dad quickly leaving the room (if he tries to discipline her or anything she will curse him out just the same) and my mom only telling her the equivalent to a few "hush"s. Because of these outbursts, my sister has become the single person controlling what we eat for dinner, what we watch on TV, and of course, who comes over. Because despite my family wanting my girlfriend to be welcome at my house, my sister can stop any such suggestions by arguing and yelling at my parents until the topic is gone from their lips.

I've tried my hardest in these past years to only be good to her and my family. I am not the type of person to actively push for things that might upset anyone, even my sister. Really I'm a big wuss when it comes to anything that might hurt or upset someone. But after over 3 years of dating, my girlfriend and I have reached a point where my house isn't even on a list of possible places to go unless my sister is gone for some long length of time (6+ hours). This almost never happens, as my sister is fairly introverted and spends most of her time watching shows like The Secret Life, Glass House, Big Brother, The Bachelor, etc.

It has reached a point where our relationship needs to take a step, and this step is my girlfriend coming back into my family's lives. They really do miss her. My 5 year old niece constantly asks me when she gets to see "Auntie <gf's name>" again. Though we spend what time we can with them, it is not enough. Especially since my niece moved 300 miles away. This causes all sorts of other issues as well, because my friends & I used to spend a great deal at my house with my family. But because my sister can completely block my girlfriend from coming over, we rarely hang out there anymore. And that really sucks because my family, friends, and girlfriend all get along very well (with the obvious exception of my sister).

Well that's as much as I can think of to type out right now. I hope that you read and understand how I feel. We made a huge mistake by lying in the beginning, and we have paid for that dearly. But this relationship is not going to disappear anytime soon, and I need some way to show my sister that there is no reason to be angry (or at least no reason to take that anger out on me and my friends, family, girlfriend) any longer. We've all changed so much over these last 3 years, and I just want my girlfriend and I to be able to slowly start spending real time with my family, as we have been with her family for these few years.

TL;DR - My girlfriend was my sister's best friend. Despite us thinking my sister would be okay with the relationship (as she had previously seemed excited with the idea), we didn't tell anyone about our relationship until about 2-3 months in. My sister has since thrown tantrums and fits, and does not talk to me anymore. My girlfriend is not allowed over my house if my sister is there because it will cause my sister to throw more fits. The relationship is supported by everyone except my sister, but my sister still holds the power in spending time with my family. It wasn't a big problem at first, because we thought she would move on from the outbursts and anger. But very little has changed, and we seriously need change for our relationship to feel complete.

Thanks guys. Prima donna, there really is no better way to explain how she acts. I'm hoping that I can talk to my family tonight. Right now there's a lot of family over, and as usual, my girlfriend isn't welcome. After the party dies down I'm going to try and address things.

Edit: think it might be a good idea to just send this to my sister? She might ignore it, but since she won't listen or talk to me, she might read this.

Just warn your girlfriend and parents before hand that you ARE bringing your girlfriend over and that's that. Your sister continues to act like a complete bitch because it has been working for 3 years. You bring your girlfriend and if your sister freaks out, she needs to leave. You ignore her and continue on with the night and if she gets violent, call the police. That will shut her up.

I was initially thinking sister needs a good old fashioned slap to the face and a "Bitch, watch your damn tounge." but the police option seems far more impressive. It'll shut her damn mouth, stop her determined way to screw relationships up and teach her a lesson in how not to act.

Your parents are ridiculous. That isn't parenting, that's enabling. You need to tell them, flat out, that they shouldn't be giving a teenager veto power over who is allowed in the house, especially now that you are an adult.

Also, why such a long grudge over something that has almost nothing to do with her? this makes no sense, unless your sister is gay and wants your gf for herself.

When yout alk to your parents you could throw out some words of truth, like: Feel abandoned, feel let down, feel dissapointed, unsure if you can count on your parents to support you when you need it, feel considered 2nd class to your sister,

Both of my sisters have extreme control issues as well. You say something they don't like, don't answer their call, suggest they call you back after dinner, side with their spouse/friend, anything really ended up with them kicking you out of their life or their kids. Their kids goes years between seeing/hearing from family members who did things they didn't like. Then if they are going to X persons house if one they have kicked out shows up your suppose to slam the door in their face. You have to choose who you have over for special events, don't choose them but the person they are mad at well congrats you are now kicked out too. Those girls will kick you out if you simply disagree over the smallest shit. This led to everyone being on egg shells and ruining so many lives. I saw people completely terrified to even turn a channel, suggest eating elsewhere, even scared to offer them help to clean up after something because what if they took it wrong.

Your sister is on that same path. You never think it will get to that point but it will if you don't do something. I haven't spoke to my sisters in years because it was too much. It was always something and I personally couldn't stand to watch them be so cruel to people anymore. You need to move out and then limit your contact with her. You need to wake up your parents, they seem overwhelmed. Tape her acting this way, throwing one of her tantrums. Show them the tapes and that might wake them up. Remind them this is what people see, this is how she treats people. Get her some counseling and anger management. Your parents need to step up and parent instead of laying down and letting her treat people like complete shit. Maybe even have people describe how she treats them, how it makes them feel to be treated as such. I know if someone came to my telling me my kid was being purposely hurtful and mean I would step in and fix that shit. If they refuse I guess ask them why they hate themselves so much they want to be treated so poorly by someone they have done so much for. If it all fails well start throwing your own massive tantrums I guess.

Why is your sister so bent out of shape over this? She was the one who essentially set you two up; is it because she's jealous of the time that you and your GF spend together - does she feel like you stole your GF from her and vice versa? I know 14 year old girls (now 17) can be ridiculous (I was one, once upon a time!) but COME ON! Your parents sound liek they're doing nothign but enabling her. They put up with her fits and gave her her own way for so long that she's developed the 2-year-old mentality that if she's enough of a brat she'll get her own way. My 29 year old brother is the same way, so I know it's a bitch to deal with.

I say, bring your GF over anyway. Your sister will either get the fuck over herself, or someone will finally have had enough and put her (forcefully) in her place. She needs a kick in the teeth, from the sounds of it.

The whole "she was the one who essentially set you two up" part is 'negated' by my mom's argument that my sister was unaware that we chose to start an exclusive, long-term relationship. So it's sort of a "she may have acted okay with you two being close at first, but later down the road her feelings changed."

Personally I think she felt extremely possessive of my girlfriend, as she would get extremely moody/pissy whenever my gf spent time with other best friends and not her. I even saw this possessiveness in her with various other friends while she was growing up. This possessiveness, combined with our mistake of lying about the relationship, and my parent's inability to treat my sister like a young adult and have her face the issue, has led to this ridiculous situation.

The whole "she was the one who essentially set you two up" part is 'negated' by my mom's argument that my sister was unaware that we chose to start an exclusive, long-term relationship. So it's sort of a "she may have acted okay with you two being close at first, but later down the road her feelings changed

Yeah.... that doesn't negate anything to someone who has half a brain cell. That's like saying I FUCKING LOVE VANILLA ICE CREAM, then when someone gets you some you pitch a fucking fit because you don't like it anymore. That's insane, not a reason.

Your mom's arguement is really null and void after this long. Your sister needs to grow up, and people need to stop coddling her and telling her that it's okay to act like this, especially over something that was so silly 3 years ago (not saying your relationship was silly - just her being unreasonably upset). I get that she felt upset at the time about not being told, but her reaction is completely fucking out to lunch.

Either way, I hope you and your family can work these things out, and I wish you and your girlfriend the very best of luck!

So long as you are in this relationship, she (and your parents) have to be accepting and understanding. She's had 3 years of having it her way but you need to put your foot down. You need to essentially tell her to give it the fuck up or she's going to permanently damage her relationship with you. I'd essentially tell your parents the same thing, you two are together and they accept it and back you up. You're not being an asshole by trying to bring your girlfriend home.

You need to stand up to her and your parents at this point. You need to take the control away from your sister and simply tell her that your girlfriend is coming over and she can either be quiet, leave or be told to grow the fuck up.

Drama is already happening so all you're really doing is forcing the issue. You should both feel (relatively) comfortable being at home. You can either tiptoe through a minefield for the next few years or simply force the issue and decide to treat everyone involved like adults.

No, do not send this to your sister. It's a passive way of trying to get her to listen, and no, it absolutely won't work. She'll blame everything she reads on this being a one-sided picture & she'll just feel unfairly attacked.

You have to do this directly. Best thing, have your gf over & act like sis isn't even there. If she crosses any lines, call the cops. She has to learn that her tactics won't work anymore.

Caveat: if, IF IF you EVER did ANYTHING illegal with your gf at ANY point, you'd sister has potential leverage here in a big way. Involving the cops could land you in a world of hurt, if sis is willing to take this to the limit. Even if you're in the clear, she can still lie, and with sex cases, just an accusation can fuck you for life. Be very careful here. Be sure NOBODY will side with your sister if she goes there. One witness agreeing with her story will mean you don't have a prayer in court.

This is a problem with your family, your girlfriend doesn't need to be involved. The core of the problem is not that she's not allowed over, the core of the problem is that your parents are babying her and showing her that if you cry loud enough and long enough, you get what you want.

The world does not work this way.

Maybe it might be a good idea to send this to your sister. She can cry when she sees how much the internet is telling her that she needs to grow up.

This isn't a problem with your sister and your girlfriend or even so much with you. This is a problem with your parents and their daughter. Simply put, your parents have failed to set up firm boundaries for your sisters behaviour. This has undermined their authority as custodians. Your girlfriend might even be completely irrelevant - your sister would have turned out the same way if she was never involved, it would just be about something else.

You need to sit down alone with your parents and stress that they need to re establish their authority and boundaries in their own house. Being held hostage by your own daughter is not an acceptable scenario, and in this respect they have failed as parents. If they are receptive to this idea then perhaps they could benefit from speaking to a professional 3rd party about how to handle the situation.

If your parents are not willing to change their own behaviour, then you need to set your own boundaries. The most important thing is to be firm. Do not under any circumstances tolerate abuse of any kind. Your sister does not own the house so do not recognise her authority to veto guests. Bring your girlfriend over and let your family know that you are doing so. If your sister starts becoming abusive, tell her to shut the fuck up. Get in her face and be loud if necessary. She needs to learn that she does not have the control and you are not intimidated by her. Stop being nice.

Zero tolerance. Firm boundaries. If abuse occurs, don't even look to your parents or family for support or assistance. Establish your own boundaries.

Are you in any position to move out? Your parents probably take your sister's side because she is still in highschool and is a more permanent addition to the house. You have graduated and will be moving out soon, in an ideal situation.

This is one big thing that is going through my mind. I have absolutely no problem simply saying "fuck it" and just letting my sister do whatever she wants if I'm out of the house. Unfortunately I'm now commuting to school (need to save money) so I'll probably be in the house for at least 9-10 months.

One thing we've discussed is getting the basement in the house done, which would put my room down there so I don't wake up the family at 2am when I usually come home from friend's places. If that happened, I'd start just hanging out with my gf & friends down there, as we wouldn't pass by my sister coming in.

Unfortunately I feel like that's still far too "avoiding the issue." My sister would still throw fits or threaten to if I wanted my girlfriend to come to any sort of family gathering. That's where I really feel hurt. There's not much worse relationship-wise than not being able to share the person you love with the family that you're really close to. Especially when that family already knows and loves your gf.

Unfortunately unless your family as a unit seeks counseling of some sort this may be the route you'll have to go. Your parents seem unwilling to change and your sister is the way she is. As sad as this is, such is life and if the people you are trying to help can't see that they need it, you can't force it on them. You can only do what's best for yourself and your girlfriend.

I hate to suggest an argument but I was at one point in a similar situation. Let me explain...

During most of my High-School days my sister had the run of the house(That's as similar as it gets, she had total control just like yours does) I was sick of it. One day when I suggested we watch something else on tv. She instantly started up her routine and spewing crap, ranting on and on about crazy things. I was sick of it.

Something in me finally snapped after years of this. I just screamed something along the lines of "Shut the Fuck up!" Which obviously made the entire room get silent because of the outburst from the small 17 year old kid.

After a pause, I just started talking in a super firm voice and I somehow changed my parents entire thought process on how they just let my sister have control.

Things eventually changed around my house, but it took time.

So I suggest that you just talk to your parents, or take my approach and just make an outburst that is even louder your sisters.

She has no right to get in the way of your happiness, and I don't see a reason that she is doing this.

You can tiptoe around her for the rest of your life, or you can use your words and take the power back. "I am uninterested in your views on this, please either be quiet or leave. I will not be discussing this with you." END OF CONVERSATION. Repeat those 2 sentences and nothing else. Do not enter into a dialogue, do not raise your voice, just those words.

This is the stance I tried taking for a while when I went to college, but unfortunately it is one that I was unable to hold for very long. Despite trying to be as ridiculously kind as possible, there were still too many moments where I could simply not take how horrible my sister is to my parents (dad mostly) and really just called her out on everything.

Unfortunately those times where I did call her out only ended with my parents ignoring what I had said and pretending like it wasn't an issue. They've always been extremely avoiding of conflicts, especially ones involving my sister. And after all, I'd be 300 miles away within a week or two of calling my sister out. It's as if I wasn't really someone who had a say in the family, only someone visiting every few months. Even during the summers, if I call her out and point out what's really going on, I get blown off as if it isn't a big deal. After all, they know I'm not the type to continue a confrontational attitude for more than a day or two.

Your dad is constantly avoiding "drama", ie having to act responsibly and like an adult. Someone has to be in charge, that's pretty much the job description of being a dad. And you are letting this little bitch control you and your GF, and the rest of the family. I'll let you into a little secret, you are allowed to tell your sister to fuck off. Just because she is a biological relative does not mean she is necessarily a good person. Start making plans for you and your GF with your family, and invite your sister along. Give her the chance to act up in front of the whole family and humiliate herself. Just be a completely reasonable person and allow her unreasonable behaviour to undermine her. Pretty soon other members of your family will request that your sister not attend family functions. If she does not learn her lesson then they will cut her out of any family activities, because who wants a spoiled child ruining everybody's day?

And stop avoiding confrontation. You might not like it but it is a vital part of life. You need to stand up for yourself and your GF. Nobody admires a doormat.

Every time your sister throws a hissy fit you tell her to shut the fuck up and stop being such a little bitch, just lose your shit with her, really go on a mad one at her, tell her, no, SHOUT her every single last thing you feel about her immature and childish behaviour, and hopefully she'll sit the fuck down in shock and evaluate her position as a human being.

I dont mean to offend your parents, as i can understand why they wouldnt want to cause any hassel, but they NEED to control their child. they need to realise that THEY are the ones that set the rules, they decide who comes over, they decide what to eat, they decide what toilet paper the family wipes their asses with. If they keep treating her like a 3 year old, giving her what she wants, she will grow up to be a spoilt, horrible human being, and we don't want that do we.

At 20yrs old you are an adult, despite still staying with your parents. No time like the present to grasp your adulthood with both hands. I understand your need to have a good relationship with your entire family and it's completely attainable, you just have to be willing to travel a rocky road for a little bit. First, call a family meeting or invite them all to a dinner out (minus your gf). Ask them to stay quiet and let you speak your mind. Plan out what you're going to say in advance, you may even want to write it down. Let them know you love them all very much but you feel that the length of your current relationship as well as the fact that you are no longer a teenager should be proof enough that you have no intention of giving in to anyone else's wishes. Keep it short, strong and do not make personal attacks against anyone in particular (sister included). When it's time for them to voice their concerns let them know you will show them the respect that they showed you and any bad mouthing about your girlfriend will end that persons participation in the conversation. Refrain from raising your voice, using foul language, etc. The calmer and more steadfast you are the better the chances of 2 things happening: one, your parents will begin to see you in a more mature light. Second your sister is more likely to lose her temper and next to your calm demeanor will appear childish. Lay down rules regarding any future discussion of the matter. Let them all know you appreciate their concern for your well being but if that concern involves insults or negativity involving your gf you will simply walk away. Let them know that as a new found adult you are aware that you don't know everything about everything but would appreciate the end of any attempted manipulation. Also let your parents know (again calmly) that you see the situation as being highly influenced by your younger sister and as a sibling not a parent you would greatly appreciate them forming their own opinions devoid of her influence. The more you hold your temper, speak calmly, and stick to your guns the more respect you will earn.

Just think of it this way: If the shoe was on the other foot, and you were uncomfortable with her dating one of your good friends, would she care? Would your parents not let him in the house if you were around? By the sounds of it, probably not, so address this and make them see the one sidedness of the situation. Clearly you and your gf care about each other, and that should be respected and celebrated, not punished.

Step 1) Take the charger for her Mac since she is a stuck up spoiled 17 year old

Step 2) Make sure she understands that she needs to change her rag. Toxic shock can be a bitch from what I hear

Step 3) Explain to her that you're living your own damn lives. Doesn't she have homework to do or malls to lounge at all afternoon while make snide comments about how nerdy all the guys she won't sleep with are?