On CNBC today, Jim Cramer had the gall to attack someone for saying things that aren't, in his mind at least, true. Because you shouldn't say things that aren't true! Prepare yourself for a ridiculous clip.

The Guardian says year-end bonuses will be record-breaking at Goldman; Cramer's critique is that you don't know what Goldman's bonuses will be until the end of the year, when they actually are determined. In other words, Jim Cramer is attacking a journalist for speculating about the future value of Goldman's bonuses. Replace "Goldman's bonuses" with "Bear Sterns' stock" and wait for your mind to be blown.

"They just make it up," Cramer said. "I get fired if I make stuff up." No you do not, Jim. You don't get fired. Trust us, we've been paying close attention to this.

"One of the great things about our political system is that you can lie in print," he continued. He meant that ironically, because he's hip. He actually means that it's not great that you can lie in print. Except he also means that it actually really is great after all, since that's how he makes his money. Here's Cramer on how to make money shorting Apple stock by spreading lies about the iPhone, to reporters, who will lie in print because Jim Cramer asked them to:

Jim Cramer knows how easy CNBC is to fool. He used to play the network himself. Here are five…
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Apple, it's very important to spread the rumor that both Verizon and AT&T have decided don't like the phone, and that it's not going to be ready for MacWorld. And this is a very easy one to do because the people who write about Apple want that story, and you can claim that it's credible because you spoke to someone at Apple, because Apple doesn't talk.