It’s that point in time now where I genuinely feel so lost. I’m at the age where everything is starting to be so up in the air. I knew what I wanted, but then I didn’t. Then I knew what I wanted, but then there were doubts. Now there are a few possibilities, but the pros and cons just aren’t adding up in my head.

When I was younger, I wanted to write a bestselling book. I didn’t know what it would be about, but I knew I could. And I would. And that was how I was going to make my living. But when I grew up, I realized, obviously, that it’s not that simple.

In high school, I wanted journalism. I wanted to get the bad guys in trouble and spread the news that everyone needed to know. Not too long after that, the news became death, illness, and crime, pretty much 24/7. I just don’t have it in me to live a life of going to work everyday and thinking about these kinds of things. I give major credit to the people that do. Someone has to.

I know I want to write, and I want to do it well. But where? And how? For who?

Screenwriting is on the table, and it’s something that I could dream of. I think I’d have the time of my life writing movies and shows. I’m an avid TV and movie watcher. I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’ve been moved to tears. That’s the amazing part of it. I want to write and make people feel emotions like that. The characters aren’t real, but the storylines can be. With the wide variety of television, there is something that everyone can relate to. It’s just like someone with epilepsy reading some of my earlier posts. It’s an opportunity to watch someone else live what you’re going through with a face attached. To me, that’s even better than reading about it.

Screenwriting comes with the stipulation of living in Los Angeles, which would require me to live pretty far away from my family and run the risk of living there by myself. Los Angeles is also way out of my price range as of now. I’m not really sure how straight-out-of-college students afford things like that.

The more classes I take, the more interested I get in other things. I could write for a magazine for health or lifestyle. Something lighthearted and fun. I’m not sure that’s what I want, though. Lately, I’ve developed a relatively new love for hockey (shoutout to the other people that have been following the Stanley Cup Playoffs). I wouldn’t mind working in media for hockey either, which is a relatively new realization.

I’ve been walking around kind of scattered for a few weeks now, partly for other reasons, but mostly because I have no idea what my next few years are going to look like. That’s not great because I’m a planner. I always have been. I always have my plans written out in my head. Perfectly put together and detailed.

My mom keeps telling me to relax and take it day by day. I’m trying my very best, but it’s not going well. We are that age where everything’s kind of scary, but it’s supposed to be. And it’s okay to not know. It really is.