Stupid E3 Predictions

E3 is next month, so how about Uncle Matto treats you to E3 predictions I pulled out my ass?

No? Well shit.

YOSHIAKI KOIZUMI WILL HOST THE SPOTLIGHT IN SOME FORM

I absolutely loved Koizumi hosting the Switch reveal in January and the first real Nintendo Direct of 2017. While Reggie and Bill have proven their hosting chops for North American Directs and Shibata for the European Directs, Koizumi hit it out of the park in the Switch reveal. He had that Iwata charm to him, something which has been sadly missed after Iwata’s death in 2015.

PLATINUM GAMES IS MAKING ANOTHER GAME WITH NINTENDO.

Please never change, Kamiya.

After Star Fox Zero, which Grub and I both loved and everyone else who can’t learn game controls hated, one has to wonder if this Nintendo-friendly third party developer is making another game with Nintendo. One has to think it’s possible; what it could be, nobody knows. With the high profile cancellation of Scalebound and Nintendo’s willingness to save Japanese products like with Bayonetta 2, this could be the next big Platinum save for them. On the other hand, it might not be, Microsoft renewed the Scalebound trademark… for some reason. Don’t know why.

THERE WILL BE NO F-ZERO OR METROID AT E3 AND FANS WILL HAVE A MELTDOWN

I will be there to laugh at you.

THERE MIGHT BE A NEW F-ZERO OR METROID AT E3 BUT IT WON’T BE WHAT THE FANS DEMANDED AND THEY WILL DOWNVOTE THE YOUTUBE TRAILER VIDEO AND MAKE A CANCELLATION PETITION

And here I thought gamers were fully for creative expression and not censorship.

SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY WILL BE THE BIG GAME AT E3 EVERYONE WILL RUSH TO PLAY

There was a famous gif that made the rounds during E3 2016 last year of somebody with their arms out, rushing to play Zelda: Breath Of The Wild. Considering this is the next major 3D Mario game to be released, and with how amazing it looks, I am hoping for the same reaction and the amazing gifs that will come from it. I mean, come on, meme images happen all the time at E3.

So with that said, feel free to give your E3 predictions in the comment section below.

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ARMS reveals their date for their first round of DLC, as well as some hints as for what will be inside. The still sour anti-ARMS group will still shout that the game is worth $20 at best, and you’ll hear the suspiciously recurring “I played the Testpunch and I realized that the game was pretty disappointing” sermons preached several times from people that sound like they only watched video clips of the game.

Zelda Breath of the Wild shows its upcoming DLC in action. And for some reason: people will complain.

Super Mario Odyssey makes “jaded fans” “believers of Nintendo” once again (only to have these same people throw another fit and make excuses why they’ll won’t buy a Nintendo console “”yet””).

EA will announce something. Insane Nintendo fanboys will shout on top of mountain tops that “Switch DOES have major 3rd Party support that everyone should care about” – only for them to be frustrated months later when EA announces that their game is a barely-tried port with no access to certain DLC, making the Switch version the “least appealing”.

Ubisoft announces that Rabbids game and it’ll get boo’d a lot – it will release as a fairly competent and very fun game – but most people with either ignore it, or play it for a few minutes and whine about it in previews, claiming that it’s “another Red Steel situation, but for kids”. The game releases later to a rather small audience, but will be seen as a cult classic for years where people will only realize how good it is on an episode of the Game Grumps.

Another Mario Party is announced and it will look actually pretty good, but everyone’s so traumatized over the last few games that they won’t risk touching it.

Call of Duty. Gimped, but competent. People fight against it, claiming that it’s clearly inferior, but its future customers can’t imagine playing it any other way (though they’ll be largely ignored once again).

A lesser 3rd Party company announces a game everyone ignores for some reason – but it’s actually A REALLY GOOD GAME AND WHY ISN’T ANYONE BUYING IT??

Indies, but this time: not still stuck in Kickstarter limbo.

Square Enix reveals something about Project Octopath just to appease those who are extremely upset over FFVII’s “delay” (even though they all should have known it wouldn’t have been ready in time). Now FFVII fans can be upset that a good game will release on a console they don’t have – earlier than the game they’ve been waiting years for.

Capcom officially announces Monster Hunter XX for US release… For 2018, probably. Maybe mid-2018, when everyone will be cautious about buying it because they’re pretty sure another, non-port Monster Hunter is releasing within that same year in Japan.

Konami, following the success of Bomberman R announces another gaming classic that will return to the Switch. Everyone celebrates. It releases as a marketing gimmick of a game – and though everyone’s upset: no one’s really surprised.

Good-looking Amiibo. Someone is screeching in the background.

Nintendo finally shows off its new internet services. Netflix is shown off as if no one has a device they can watch Netflix on.
Menu Themes are revealed. Anti-Nintendo fans are screeching something about nickel and dime-ing, but everyone else is pretty excited.