10 Celebrities With Colossal Crotch-Rockets

1. Jared Leto's got a Requiem For a Double-Long Schlong

How big is Jared Leto's Suicide Schlong? So big that his lawyers had to threaten to sue a website that hosted a message board where its enormity was being discussed. Yes, the Joker's schnitzel is so ginormous that he has to threaten to sue others to stop talking about it. But that didn't stop pornstar Corina Taylor from saying:

"I've been a porn actress for three years and Jared was the most I ever had to work with. There's definitely a second career available for him if he ever runs out of mainstream work."

You heard it here first, folks - when they make a porn parody of Suicide Squad, Jared Leto can reprise his role of The Joker.

2. Idris Elba's stringer is probably less than 12 feet long

Stringer Bell himself has a pretty sizeable Stringer in his pants in real life - Idris Elba, famous Potential-James Bond, has a big ol' banger between his legs, but he's too gentlemanly to discuss it openly, saying:

"What am I gonna say? I'm not gonna go out there and pretend that I have a 12-foot d**k. It's just not how I was raised, you know what I mean?"

You heard it here first, folks - at a maximum, Idris Elba's pelvic peckeroni is at a maximum 11.9 feet long.

3. Justin Theroux's beefy member made 2% of the world's population instantly disappear

This just in - Justin Theroux couldn't get raptured because his massive D was weighing him down too much. Yep, J.T. has a B.P. (Big Penis) so H (Huge) that J.A. (Jennifer Aniston, his wife) probably misses B.P. (Brad Pitt this time)'s comparably small DMD (D-Minus Dong).

If you watch The Leftovers, you've probably already seen the evidence:

4. Gary Busey's dick is crazier than he is

Hollywood's Kramer, Gary Busey, not only has huge teeth and a huge amount of mental disorders - he also has a pretty huge penis. At least, according to his wife, who's nicknamed Busey's crotchdog "Big Wednesday" - after the 70s surfing film Busey starred in, which referred to the day when the greatest, cleanest, most transcendent wave of all would arrive.

So now you know a little bit more about Gary Busey's dick - it's clean, transcendent, and great. Also he exposed himself once on the set of Celebrity Apprentice, so if you want to see it, you'll have to talk to the NBC censors.