I saw a different side of my father [who had numerous teaching awards], he called it his play-time. I didn’t know why I posed nude with my sister, but by age eight I was forced into my first pornographic movie.

I can still picture the set, bright cameras, and the director yelling for me to look seductive. My dad gave me advice when I didn’t want to touch the boy’s penis. “Just pretend his body is your daddy’s,” he said kissing me on the lips.

At home I was raped nightly. He’d get me a glass of water, wait till my mom was asleep and then force his penis into my mouth and vagina. After he finished I’d hide under the covers and listen as he entered my sister’s room.

As he rose in the pornography business his temper flared. The movies were becoming bigger productions and he was now a director. Once I was placed in a scene with thirty other children. The sex finale had us all line up for an anal sex. I couldn’t stop crying as the boy’s penis tore into me. My father stopped the scene, and dragged me down into a basement room. He locked the metal door and began beating me. He ripped off my clothes, and I felt relieved that he’d only rape me. Then I saw the knife. Instead of cutting my throat he thrusted it into my vagina. I don’t remember the sound of my screams, but when he had finished blood covered the floor.

He wiped off the knife, and went back upstairs. He and a set man returned, wrapped me in blankets, and brought me to his private doctor’s office. My vagina was stitched up in a clean white room, with precision to prevent scarring. The doctor smiled a lot, told jokes and acted as if nothing was unusual about my situation. I was home in my bed by the next morning.

His temper and cumulative violence convinced me that something was wrong. I’d never been told that little girls didn’t star in pornographic movies and weren’t supposed to be raped by their father. His pressure to be secretive alerted me, but his violence kept me quiet.

The last stage of my father’s abuse involved prostitution. By fifteen young girls are considered too old for child pornography. By then my father had his own production company and needed young women to please his clients. Sometimes I’d be placed in Hilton hotel rooms, but usually in his special bedroom suite, inside the studio. The first time I was tied up and drugged with sedatives administered by injection. The client came in, and raped me, a glassy eyed fifteeen-year-old. Soon I didn’t need to be drugged. I knew the score, either make the client happy or not see another morning. His clients appeared to be mob related, drug dealers or even public officials all investing in his pornographic movies.

My father’s production company was a five story building complete with screening room, offices and various studios. Three or four movies were being made at the same time. Life inside the studio meant cocaine covered tables, studio people armed with guns, and hidden cameras in every room. I tried running away, attempted suicide, but never considered telling on my father. He gave me constant reminders of his power, but this one time convinced me I’d never escape.

He led me into one of his sound proof offices. I saw two men being held by my dad’s security. My father explained that they were informers and pulled out a revolver. He shot them in the chest, and they fell to the carpet. “No one betrays me,” was all he said, and then his men took out the bodies.

I was three when my father began sexually abusing me. I lived through fifteen years of pornography and three years of prostitution. I escaped because I lived a double life, at home I was a normal middle class child expected to attend college. The prostitutes you see on the street are the children who couldn’t escape and didn’t lead double lives. Over seventy percent of all prostitutes are incest victims. The prostitute is an abused child who found her life at home so dangerous that she turns to the streets and stays there. She lives on the streets past her eighteenth birthday and suddenly she is the criminal. Instead of arresting the incest victim why doesn’t the law arrest the real criminals, the pimps and clients that continue the abuse the victim faced in her home…

All adult survivors need access to free therapy programs. Incest survivors have to talk and work through all their years of abuse if they want to lead a normal life. Adult survivors are often not believed by their families, friends and the police… The statu[t]e of limitations is limited to a few years after the victim is eighteen or remembers through therapy. A victim in therapy is reliving every time she was beaten and raped. Therapy of this kind takes years not months, and even longer to find the courage to face her abuser in court. There shouldn’t be a statu[t]e of limitations on cases of child abuse…

We can make changes to protect future children from being abused. In kindergarten and nursery schools information programs on abuse should be mandatory…. These programs should continue throughout a child’s education to save children who are abused at a later age.

Then a protection agency is required. An agency that treats the child as an individual, not part of her abusive family. No child will tell on a parent, if she’ll have to return to that home. Agencies can’t rely on family therapy, two years of therapy doesn’t guarantee a rapist will stop attacking his child.

They couldn’t show fear or doubt in the pictures. They had to show happiness or love… To get that look, I’d give them something, from tricycles to stereos. It depended on what they wanted. You have to be able to express [evoke] excitement in the pictures…

Porn’s “Verbatim” Accounts of the Pleasures of Child Sexual Abuse Don’t Square with Reality
The novelized accounts of incest are fantasy, but the promotion of lies about women and incest, the propaganda, is no fantasy, but a form of action that serves to justify incest and insensitivity to survivors of incest… These fallacies/fantasies (lies) have a distinguished lineage. For when Freud decided that the accounts of incest (which he first believed) were in fact nothing but the overheated fantasies of adolescent girls, he shifted the onus of responsibility from adults to children. Incest then became a question of wishes, fantasies, and impulses on the part of children toward their parent, not acts engaged in by adults.

Certainly. Capital Video and similar porn merchants sell material that glorifies incest and tells lies about its supposed harmlessness. Also, the boundaries between child porn and adult porn are extremely fuzzy, with the porn merchants doing everything they can to make them fuzzier.

About Us

NoPornNorthampton aims to increase awareness about the impact of porn on people and communities. We support the reasonable regulation of sexually oriented businesses in Northampton, Massachusetts and elsewhere. We ask businesspeople to balance profits with compassion. We do not advocate increasing government censorship of porn. For our positive vision of sexuality, visit GreenSexuality.com.