Introducing Man To Man

Q&A: How Can You Do Adult Things When You Live With Your Parents?

Here's my question: How can I let a woman know that I'm only interested in having a sexual relationship with her without coming across as cold and insensitive?

Thanks, Michael

Hi Michael,

So what you’re really asking me is: “How can I let a woman know that I’m only interested in having a sexual relationship with her and still have her want to have sex with me,” right? Right. There are definitely women out there who are down with this kind of explicit arrangement, but if you found one, you’d probably be riding on a unicorn to go spend a weekend in the lost city of Cibola with her instead of writing me.

If she were interested in this arrangement, that would probably be clear, so you must be talking about a scenario in which she wants a real relationship and you do not. If that’s the case, why do you think this is an OK thing to vocalize? No matter how you word it, you’re essentially telling this person that while you think her sex parts are dynamite, you're less enthusiastic about her personality. That’s a pretty sh*tty thing to say to someone’s face. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot, and a woman told you that she appreciates your personality but doesn’t find you attractive enough to screw. Chances are you’d deny her invitation altogether, and maybe buy a fedora and grow a neck beard and start yelling about “the friend zone.”

That said, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting something casual and noncommittal. People can, and do, get into pseudo-relationships that they know won’t lead anywhere (think inter-office relationships, summer flings etc.), but they continue anyway because it’s fun at the time. You just have to accept that, eventually, someone’s going to take a stand and call the thing off when their needs aren’t being met. The “trick,” if you want to call it that, is to just go out and do that. Like, meet someone, get into a casual/sexual relationship with that person, and then just kind of keep it that way until she says something. You’re not doing anyone any favors by “setting expectations” upfront. Again, plenty of women are down for that, but reminding them that “Hey, I am explicitly and exclusively using you for sex” doesn’t exactly get them all hot and bothered.

Sure, some women might think you’re in a relationship when you’re really not, but if you’re asking for a way to tell a woman to her face that she’s nothing more than a sex object, something tells me that’s not going to weigh too heavily on your conscience. The time to come clean is after she raises questions as to your relationship status, not before.

If you still insist upon saying this, I think the best way to say it would be written on a cake, or maybe a singing telegram.