Usually, we publish a collection of these jokes at the start of each week.

Fallon: A Broadway musical based on the life of rapper Tupac is in the works. So if you love Broadway musicals and gangster rap, you don't exist.

Fallon: President Obama will present George Lucas with the National Medal of Arts. While Joe Biden is eager to present him with some fan mail for Yoda.

Fallon: NSA leaker Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, “Prison it is!”

Fallon: A new report says Ikea uses 1% of the world's wood every year. Critics say that’s unsustainable, an outrage, and -- OMG! -- is that a couch for only 50 bucks?

Conan: Elliot Spitzer, caught frequenting prostitutes a few years ago, is running for office again in New York. His campaign slogan- “Spitzer: Creating Jobs by the Hour.”

Conan: A new study finds drinking just three pints of beer a week permanently dulls the brain. So now you know: Never stop at just three.

Conan: A new report finds Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world’s fattest nation. In fact, now Mexicans are trying to cross the border just to ask, “Are you going to finish that?”

Leno: Bad news for the 'Lone Ranger.' The movie could lose $150 million. In fact, it's so bad that Tonto quit acting and has gone back to working at the casino.

Leno: Big turmoil in Egypt. The military took over. President Morsi is under house arrest and being forced to watch 'The Lone Ranger.'

Leno: Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer both running for New York City office. If both win, the city would be run by the Peter Tweeter and the Hooker Booker.

Letterman: I'm surprised about Eliot Spitzer running for city comptroller because comptroller, really? This guy couldn't even ‘comptroll’ himself.”

Fallon: Japan just announced that it will launch a talking robot into space next month. Which got awkward when the robot said, “Wait, what?”

Fallon: An 88-year-old Briton is the world’s oldest McDonald’s employee. But he swears he’s only working there until his band makes it big.

Fallon: Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby will be called either the Prince or Princess of Cambridge. You know, depending on how he throws a ball.

Back to the tables

Conan: A new report claims that Osama bin Laden was able to avoid being detected in Pakistan by wearing a cowboy hat at times. Pakistani authorities say, “I guess he just got lost in the sea of other seven-foot Muslim guys wearing cowboy hats.”

Conan: With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office in New York, the city is changing its nickname to “The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife."

Conan: Hostess says its new Twinkies will have an even longer shelf-life than the old ones. The CEO said “Our goal is to make Twinkies outlast people who eat Twinkies.”

Conan: The most popular 2013 baby names include names like “Katniss” and “Django” from big movies. Which means you won’t be running into any babies named Tonto.

Conan: Mexico now the world’s fattest nation. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. Turns out their people eat way too much Mexican Food.

Conan: A recent survey says the most stolen U.S. vehicle is the Ford F-250. For the 10th year in a row, the least stolen vehicle is the Plymouth Anything.

Leno: A new report says Mexicans are now the fattest people on earth. Don't worry. They'll return North come fall and the U.S. will get the title back.

Letterman: Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named 'Cinnabon Customer of the Month' in the Moscow Airport.

Letterman: They finally found another miracle to make Pope John Paul II a saint: Ryan Seacrest's career.

Letterman: You may have seen that George Clooney and his girlfriend have split up. Yup. Very sad. Today the old girlfriend was granted asylum in Venezuela.

Letterman: Twinkies are back and with a longer shelf-life. Month and a half now. That's longer than a Kardashian marriage.

Letterman: So Twinkies are back with a longer shelf-life? Hell, I'm still digesting one from the 60's.

Fallon: President Obama told a bunch of children that broccoli is his favorite food. Then, Joe Biden said, "For me, it's crayons."

Fallon: So Obama told some kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, “Is Michelle gone? It's actually Skittles.”

Fallon: Elizabeth Hasselback has left ‘The View’ for ‘Fox&Friends.’ The other View ladies had a big going-away party, but it would have been nice if they’d invited Elizabeth.

Fallon: ESPN Magazine is ready to release its annual “Body Issue” of 21 athletes posing nude. Along with the same promise as always: No bowlers.

Conan: Eliot Spitzer is running for New York City comptroller. He’s paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to get on the ballot. Spitzer says it’s the second best $800 he’s ever spent.