Movies that deserve a remake

I’m as excited about James Cameron’s “Avatar” as any science fiction geek. But as much as I like the idea of a space marine on a 3D alien planet, I still wish the director would drop everything immediately, pretend like all of the movies after “Aliens” never happened, and remake “Alien3.”

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I want 3 times my money back.

All things considered, my life is reasonably complete right now. But I’ll never be at total peace until someone somehow finds a way to wipe that absolutely horrible studio-ruined sequel from my memory. It’s not just that the movie was made by the director of “Fight Club,” “Se7en” and “Zodiac,” three films that don’t contain a single scene worse than the best scene in “Alien3.” Or that the screenwriters killed off Newt in the first two minutes, ending the life of the only child actor in action movie history (other than this guy) who doesn’t bug the crap out of me. Or that the script somehow managed to make an interstellar prison planet look boring …

No, “Alien3” is a movie I’d like to see remade because it actually ruins “Alien” and “Aliens” for me. It’s like watching highlight film from Jose Canseco’s career. How can you concentrate on the guy’s impressive baseball skills without thinking about the time he fought Danny Bonaduce?

In the wake of our post about movie remakes that must never happen, Alien3 is at the top of my list of films that deserve a remake. Some are based on books that couldn’t get it right. Others are clear missed opportunities, where the script didn’t match the concept. And still more weren’t ready to be made — whether the special effects weren’t there yet or the right actors and directors weren’t in place.

My choices are below. Yours in the comments …

Bullitt (1968): Yes, I probably should be permananently banned from San Francisco for even suggesting this. Yes, the inclusion of this iconic film on my list ruins any chance of peaceful discourse in the comments. And yes, the car chase in “Bullitt”, still the best of all time, could easily be ruined by a modern-day director using quick edits or a computer-generated Mustang. All that being said, the path for the car chase in “Bullitt” is geographically impossible without the benefit of teleportation. And the 102 minutes of this movie where Steve McQueen wasn’t in a car skipping like a stone over the streets of San Francisco is slow and makes almost no sense. No one can replace McQueen, but if you can find someone to shoot the car chase like they did in the 1960s — director of photography William A. Fraker is still alive! — a remake of “Bullitt” with a tighter script would not be sacrilege. Plus, San Francisco needs the money. (Our choice for the new Lt. Frank Bullitt: Matt Damon.)

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Just don’t shoot it in Vancouver …

Firestarter (1984): I know what you’re about to say: No one has thought about “Firestarter” — the book or the movie — in about 20 years. But like several other decent Stephen King novels made into bad movies, this book would actually make an excellent film in the right hands. The father/daughter relationship is moving, the action is constant and the special effects industry is in a much better position to make fireballs that don’t look like basketballs dipped in lighter fluid.

Mystery Men (1999): Based on a clever Dark Horse comic series, the film starred William H. Macy, Janeane

Garofalo and Hank Azaria as D-list superheroes whose powers involved a mastery of shovels, forks and a magical bowling ball with a human skull inside. The incredible supporting cast included Tom Waits, Paul Reubens and Eddie Izzard. The trailer looked great. How could this go possibly wrong? There were moments of genius, sure. But mostly I remember sitting in the theater, patiently waiting for this overproduced, underwritten movie to get funny, and walking out feeling puzzled when it didn’t happen. “Mystery Men” is definitely worth another try — I like this guy’s idea of giving Terry Gilliam a chance with the material.

Wolverine (2009): I was on board with Hugh Jackman as Wolverine in the first three “X-Men” movies, but the latest thoroughly disappointing movie proves that the character needs a radical and darker makeover. Comic book series bring in new writers and artists all the time, completely changing a character’s look. Find a new actor — maybe a Danny Trejo type, or the 21st Century version of this guy — and explore some of the more complicated (and yes, violent) themes from the Wolverine comics of the late 1980s. If this works, make an Affleck/Garner-free “Daredevil” next. But leave Alan Moore’s “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” alone. That never should have been touched in the first place.