Day 101

Maybe the “whole stable full of women” is a bit more of a turn up for the books. This is according to Donald Sturrock who’s written a book about it, and The Telegraph and the Daily Mail, which seem intent on repeating the news, “Roald Dahl slept with numerous high society women” until it becomes a tenet of some religion they’re founding for spluttering pipe-munchers and twin-set-swaddled handbag jockeys.

But back to the spy thing. Of course Roald Dahl was a secret agent, look at the counter-intelligence technology he developed.

Exhibit One: The Dream Trumpet. Operating under cover of darkness, the BFG catches good dreams. With Giant Ear listening apparatus, he tracks and captures dreams then and blows them into the bedrooms of children. Who’s to say this isn’t being used as I type and most of you sleep on Taliban children? (I “mean used on Taliban children”, not “most of you sleep on Taliban children”, unless I’ve wildly misjudged my readership).

Exhibit Two: The Great Glass Elevator. Sophisticated satellite surveillance equipment disguised as a lift from a confectionary factory. The elevator orbits the earth until Willy Wonka seizes a chance to connect to the “Space Hotel,” which incidentally is profit-making enterprise of the US government, and doubtless a front for some Yankee state-sponsored regime-changing space oil cartel trying to sequester the galaxy’s natural resources.

Exhibit Three: The Giant Peach. Hideout for a squad of genetically-modified invertebrate animals, grown to several hundred times their usual size. Under the guidance of Mr Old Green Grasshopper, Mr Centipede, Mr Earthworm, Miss Spider, Mrs Ladybug, and Glowworm, this piece of mobile death star technology was hijacked in an opportunist bid to cross the Atlantic and launch an unprovoked attack on New York.

It’s always the ones you ought to suspect that fly most easily under the radar, is all I’m saying.

6.51: Recalcitrant start from Stuart, but he seemed to perk up after that. Clearly he is not used to being pressed into service at this time of the morning, but he’s doing his best, the dear old chap. Stuart, your reward will be in heaven. Shouldn’t be long now either.