Twilight: Lowlights and a Farewell to Jacob

Sunday

Oct 6, 2013 at 5:25 AM

by Kari Tervo

I finally finished watching the Twilight saga. In honor of the great experience I had with the movies, I'm going to post some feedback about stuff I didn't like, and then bring you back up to a soaring farewell with triumphant music, a montage, and some fuzzy focus romance.

I'm referring to this criticism as "lowlights," which I think is a great time to declare that I'm glad that stupid ombre hair trend is over. Girl, you're gonna regret that in 15 years like Jennifer Aniston regrets the Rachel. I do admit, I did have some Rachel-y color banding in the late '90s, but I thought it was cool. My head looked like a sunset, or cinnamon toast.

What? What am I talking about? Twilight. Okay.

I shared a collection of fun thoughts about the first 4 movies, here. And I started talking about how I think some feminists have it all wrong about Twilight, here. All in all, I've been pretty happy with the series--it has made me laugh, cry, cringe, feel suspense, wonder, and do all those things movies are supposed to do! In short, I've been wonderfully entertained by this series.

Yet, I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as I did the first four films in the series. Here's why:

CLICK RAWR TO BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!

First, I guess for me I became less interested when it became all-supernatural. I was more interested in the interactions between the human and magical worlds. Kind of like when I was 8 and thought I might find gnome communities in the knots of the backyard tree trunks. I wanted to know their ways, like a magical anthropology. I liked watching the first four movies that way, as Bella's human eyes on the magical world. So, when Bella goes undead, it all became a sci-fi/fantasy movie for me. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not my scene. So maybe I was a little more critical of this movie because it was kind of a genre-switch.

With that in mind, here are some brief beefs:

I misunderstood the ending of the last movie, when Jacob imprints on Renesemee. I had thought he refrained from killing her because he saw Bella in her soul. It never even occurred to me he was imprinting on a baby. Ick. Okay, so anyway.

The spates of weak dialogue throughout the series always kind of bothered me, but I was able to overlook it. I viewed some of it as required to communicate complex concepts in simple ways. But I kind of had it by this point: The Volturi are about to kill Cousin Irina, who had just really heroically admitted she was wrong about Renesmee and the whole show-down she caused there in that snowy field (such great cinematography when they initially meet up!). I mean, the Cullens forgave her, but the Volturi weren't going to, so this is a pretty dramatic moment. They go for the kill, and this is what Edward shouts:

Guys, no!

And that's all I have to say about that.

This is the exception that proves what I said about complex concepts: When Aro, the main Volturi guy, is explaining why Renesmee must be destroyed, this is his logic: "There is human technology that could destroy us!" And then we move on, like, oh, oh, yes, yes, I understand now. What? What human technology? How is the humpire (human-vampire. Well, it's better than vamman!) a bigger threat than all those damn newborns up in Santa Carla? I mean, Seattle?

Why are the only black vampires (besides Laurent, an evil one) both Amazon women in face paint? Please.

In the climactic (imagined) battle scene, the head Volturi guy (Aro) and a bunch of other Volturi are just standing there giving reaction shots, like they're watching Wimbledon. Why aren't they doing something?

Aro, the head of the Volturi? He's supposed to scare us, but he's comically evil, like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I acknowledge to the 8-year-old community that the Child Catcher is freaking scary). Okay, I’m not afraid of this guy at all. I will take him on in a mere battle of sarcasm, and he’ll do that crumbling-like-a-china-doll effect they’ve been using to indicate a dead vampire (I much prefer that to gore, so thank you Twilight people).

Child Catcher.

Aro (also a Child Catcher). I could take this guy.

I guess I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as the other movies. But overall, the series was great. Pull out your tissues, we're about to say goodbye to our protagonists:

AWWWWWWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! I am so in love with this love! It’s literally forever! OMG it’s so much better than that stupid diamond ring!

I hate that stupid diamond ring! I hate that stupid field of flowers they’re constantly laying in! I hate those cheesy lovers’ gazes!

But I love Bella and Edward. Those crazy kids have been through a lot, and they’re still together. I think they’re gonna make it.

I don’t know how I’m gonna make it without Jacob—I am Team Jacob, after all. Figures. I always root for the underdog (no pun intended). I mean, nobody addresses that he’s going to die at some point. That makes me sad. But let’s move on, because he is a fictional character.

Kari, he is a fictional character. We are going to move on.

Moving on!

To what? Where’s the next Twilight, or Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings? I want a sweeping supernatural saga with great cinematography, dammit! Get Peter Jackson on the horn! I mean, the tweet!

Ohmigod. I think I just became a fan-girl. Thanks a lot, Twilight.

I mean, thanks a lot, Twilight! That was fun!

Love,

Kari

by Kari Tervo
I finally finished watching the Twilight saga. In honor of the great experience I had with the movies, I'm going to post some feedback about stuff I didn't like, and then bring you back up to a soaring farewell with triumphant music, a montage, and some fuzzy focus romance.

I'm referring to this criticism as "lowlights," which I think is a great time to declare that I'm glad that stupid ombre hair trend is over. Girl, you're gonna regret that in 15 years like Jennifer Aniston regrets the Rachel. I do admit, I did have some Rachel-y color banding in the late '90s, but I thought it was cool. My head looked like a sunset, or cinnamon toast.

What? What am I talking about? Twilight. Okay.

I shared a collection of fun thoughts about the first 4 movies, here. And I started talking about how I think some feminists have it all wrong about Twilight, here. All in all, I've been pretty happy with the series--it has made me laugh, cry, cringe, feel suspense, wonder, and do all those things movies are supposed to do! In short, I've been wonderfully entertained by this series.

Yet, I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as I did the first four films in the series. Here's why:

CLICK RAWR TO BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!
First, I guess for me I became less interested when it became all-supernatural. I was more interested in the interactions between the human and magical worlds. Kind of like when I was 8 and thought I might find gnome communities in the knots of the backyard tree trunks. I wanted to know their ways, like a magical anthropology. I liked watching the first four movies that way, as Bella's human eyes on the magical world. So, when Bella goes undead, it all became a sci-fi/fantasy movie for me. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's not my scene. So maybe I was a little more critical of this movie because it was kind of a genre-switch.

With that in mind, here are some brief beefs:
I misunderstood the ending of the last movie, when Jacob imprints on Renesemee. I had thought he refrained from killing her because he saw Bella in her soul. It never even occurred to me he was imprinting on a baby. Ick. Okay, so anyway.
The spates of weak dialogue throughout the series always kind of bothered me, but I was able to overlook it. I viewed some of it as required to communicate complex concepts in simple ways. But I kind of had it by this point: The Volturi are about to kill Cousin Irina, who had just really heroically admitted she was wrong about Renesmee and the whole show-down she caused there in that snowy field (such great cinematography when they initially meet up!). I mean, the Cullens forgave her, but the Volturi weren't going to, so this is a pretty dramatic moment. They go for the kill, and this is what Edward shouts:
Guys, no!

And that's all I have to say about that.
This is the exception that proves what I said about complex concepts: When Aro, the main Volturi guy, is explaining why Renesmee must be destroyed, this is his logic: "There is human technology that could destroy us!" And then we move on, like, oh, oh, yes, yes, I understand now. What? What human technology? How is the humpire (human-vampire. Well, it's better than vamman!) a bigger threat than all those damn newborns up in Santa Carla? I mean, Seattle?
Why are the only black vampires (besides Laurent, an evil one) both Amazon women in face paint? Please.
In the climactic (imagined) battle scene, the head Volturi guy (Aro) and a bunch of other Volturi are just standing there giving reaction shots, like they're watching Wimbledon. Why aren't they doing something?
Aro, the head of the Volturi? He's supposed to scare us, but he's comically evil, like the Child Catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (I acknowledge to the 8-year-old community that the Child Catcher is freaking scary). Okay, I’m not afraid of this guy at all. I will take him on in a mere battle of sarcasm, and he’ll do that crumbling-like-a-china-doll effect they’ve been using to indicate a dead vampire (I much prefer that to gore, so thank you Twilight people).
Child Catcher.
Aro (also a Child Catcher). I could take this guy.
I guess I didn't enjoy Breaking Dawn, Part II as much as the other movies. But overall, the series was great. Pull out your tissues, we're about to say goodbye to our protagonists:
AWWWWWWWWWWWW! AWWWWWWWWWW! I am so in love with this love! It’s literally forever! OMG it’s so much better than that stupid diamond ring!

I hate that stupid diamond ring! I hate that stupid field of flowers they’re constantly laying in! I hate those cheesy lovers’ gazes!

But I love Bella and Edward. Those crazy kids have been through a lot, and they’re still together. I think they’re gonna make it.

I don’t know how I’m gonna make it without Jacob—I am Team Jacob, after all. Figures. I always root for the underdog (no pun intended). I mean, nobody addresses that he’s going to die at some point. That makes me sad. But let’s move on, because he is a fictional character.

Kari, he is a fictional character. We are going to move on.

Moving on!

To what? Where’s the next Twilight, or Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings? I want a sweeping supernatural saga with great cinematography, dammit! Get Peter Jackson on the horn! I mean, the tweet!