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Today’s Column

August 3, 2013

Fetishes are safe if both parties consent

How can I enjoy summertime activities, like barbeques and pool parties, when all I can think about and desire instead of small talk, is to fondle and lick the beautiful female high-arched feet all around me?

This is a serious question: How can people pretend to enjoy the commonplace when bare feet are there, ripe for play?

Lover of Feet

Over the years, a few foot-lovers have sent me this question in summer, wanting their passion to be taken seriously.

A foot fetish is the most common of sexual fetishes for otherwise non-sexual objects or body parts. It’s an intense sexual interest, centering on feet, toes, high arches, and soles. The fetishist may need to play with a partner’s feet in order to reach sexual satisfaction.

So yes, summer provides a greater array of visible attractions and stimulation to the foot-lover.

However, people who aren’t so inclined will not appreciate being touched or approached about sexual play with their feet, by a passing stranger.

Foot petting without mutual consent may, if aggression’s involved, even be considered assault.

So exercise self-control, just as all people must do when summer activities bring out more revealing clothes.

Strappy sandals are part of the less-fettered season, not an invitation.

I’ve left a verbally abusive, bullying husband. I’ve learned many things, partly from getting independent counseling and partly from lots of research.

I read that marital counseling can do more harm than good to the abused partner, as bullies often manipulate counselling sessions to make it appear as if the other person’s unreasonable.

He/she is then left confused from these sessions and open for further bullying.

It’s actually highly recommended that the victim gets personal counseling to help determine the depth of the bullying and also to regain self-confidence.

Left a Bully

Your perspective on this certainly applies when the bullying is part of a controlling, domineering personality who’s capable of “charming” others, including a counselor.

Fortunately, experienced marital therapists have seen it all before, and know when they’re being “snowed” by a would-be charmer.

The therapist may even let the bully spouse tell his/her version of their marriage’s issues, in order to win confidence in the therapy process… and of course to get a full picture of the couple’s dynamics.

BUT, it can be discouraging and worrisome to the person who’s been abused/bullied, to sit through this distorted description.

So getting individual counselling IS very wise and helpful. It’s also highly possible that a bully won’t even consent to marriage counselling, whereas anyone who’s been abused can use help to find the courage and confidence to break away.

COMMENTARY I wished I’d read your column earlier in my life. I know too well the art of selling myself short, and would love if you could provide more insight/elements for other readers.

A relative once told me that I was too nice. It didn’t sound like a compliment, but I only got the depth of the meaning years later during a crisis. Don’t underestimate the challenges faced by your readers.

Ellie –The first step toward change, in the face of crushing difficulties, is recognizing that there’s another way to think and act, rather than blaming oneself.

People write me of being “stuck” in bad situations because of their own inertia, sadness over lost love, poor upbringing, limited resources, etc.

They need to dig deep into their survival instinct, and re-claim the will and the right to surmount obstacles. It often takes counselling as a boost, plus avoiding toxic influences and people.

My wife has had a weight problem since our fourth child was born, many years ago.

She’s a beautiful person and I love when she takes control and does great things for herself.

She’d tried many weight-loss approaches, some very expensive.

Finally, she realized she could do it herself if she exercised the discipline of eating balanced small meals at regular times, consuming only healthy foods, i.e. fruits, vegetables, low-fat protein.

She avoided sugar and high sugar-containing foods.

I joined her and we’re both enjoying great results. She’s lost between 40 and 50 pounds (we don't discuss actual weight).

I’m a diabetic with high blood pressure. Both are under control and I’ve stopped most of my pills.

We both feel great. I’ve dropped six pounds - didn't have much to lose. My reward is seeing my wife happy.

Great Results.

You both sound very rewarded by mutual respect and admiration!

Tip of the day:

Foot worship, or fetishism, is harmless when both partners consider it sexual play.