Thursday, December 12, 2013

North American Race Summary (Belated)

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

The first speed races of the season are now over
and a lot has happened over the two weekends when the World Cup was in North
America! Our intrepid reporters were in Beaver Creek and Lake Louise, bringing
our readers all of the action from the North American speed races that the
others didn't dare to print. Instead of our usual interview format, we will use
news briefs. We will count down 8 key events from the two weekends of races in
North America, starting with the least significant. Let's find out what really
happened in Beaver Creek and Lake Louise over the last two weekends.

8. Greatest comeback ever. Yes it has really
happened. The question the whole ski world has been asking was finally answered
when Lindsey Vonn competed in Lake Louise. Vonn has officially made the
greatest comeback ever by any athlete in any sport who ever had an injury. Hermann Maier and
Daniel Albrecht’s comebacks paled in comparison to Vonn’s, especially in terms
of daily press coverage. Every day in the news there was a story about Vonn,
her superhuman rehabbing abilities, and what she had for dinner that night
along with the requisite photos on her Facebook page.Nobody knows who won the first women’s downhill race in Lake
Louise. But everyone, even people who never follow ski racing, knew that Vonn
finished in 40th place. Does anyone really know or care who won that
race? (For those few fans who really do care about ski racing, the answer is
Maria Hoefl-Riesch).

7. The World Cup Zoo.There is a reason the World Cup tour is called the White
Circus. In Levi the winners of the slalom races won reindeer. Beaver Creek
winners got an eagle. The winners in Lake Louise were rather disappointed to
find that they just got cowboy hats and no pets. Lake Louise men’s downhill
winner, Dominik Paris, said that he was crushed when he found out that he did not
win a moose. Because of the popularity of podium shots of race winners with
their new pets, the FIS is currently looking into giving animals to the winners
of every race instead of prize money.

6. Real Men Climb Mountains. The second men’s
downhill training session in Lake Louise was cancelled due to a power failure.
Without power, the lifts were stuck. Old timers were amazed at how wimpy and
coddled the current generation of ski racers is. Back when the old guys were
racing, they had to hike up the hill to get to the starting line because there
were no chair lifts. They also had to carry their equipment on their backs and
bring their own food, water, medical supplies, and Swiss army knives.

5. Real Men Also Compete In Men's Races. It looks like Swiss Ski made
the correct decision letting the Swiss men’s speed team race against men
instead of women. Patrick Kueng won the Beaver Creek Super-G. Beat Feuz also
performed respectably in his first races back after being absent from the World
Cup for a season. The only male Swiss racer who was upset by
this decision was Carlo Janka, who really wanted to be the first skier to win a
men’s and women’s overall globe. But judging from how he skied in Lake Louise
and Beaver Creek, Carlo did an excellent job of channeling his disappointment.

4. More Alpine Gymnastics. Italy’s Sofia Goggia and
Austrian Kathrin Zettel showed the world that Felix Neureuther is not the only
racer who can promote the new sport of Alpine gymnastics. In the Beaver Creek
downhill Sofia performed her patented spin move. Kathrin Zettel tried to
perform a forward somersault as she started in the Beaver Creek giant slalom
race. Sofia’s score was 8.3 and Kathrin’s was 8.4. It was tough for the judges to
determine who was better because Sofia had a higher mark for artistic
impression while Kathrin got a bonus for attempting a more difficult move.
Kathrin received the higher score because she finished the race while Sofia had
a DNF. By the way, Sofia tore her ACL in Lake Louise. We at the Blickbild wish
her a full and speedy recovery.

3. Curses! Foiled Again! It looks like the
Mongolian judge ordered the curse against Sweden to be lifted. Either that or
German witch doctor Dr. Mabongo’s powers of cursing an entire nation’s ski team
are waning. Jessica Lindell-Vikarby of Sweden won the Beaver Creek giant slalom
race, edging out US wunderkind Mikaela Shiffrin. Jessica was a surprise winner.
Since most ski fans know about the curse against Sweden for kidnapping Dr.
Mabongo in Schladming last February, nobody in any “guess the podium” game
anywhere picked Jessica to win. We shall find out in St. Moritz and Courchevel if the real abductor, Frida Hansdotter, is still under Dr. Mabongo's curse. Dr. Mabongo really needs to lay off the schnitzel and stick to his magic potions if he wants his curses to hold.

2. Larisa Rocks. Canada’s Larisa Yurkiw was dropped
from the Canadian team last April because Alpine Canada discontinued its speed
program. Instead of giving up, she got her own sponsors and formed Team Larisa.
She had a 15th place finish in the Beaver Creek Super-G and was 7th
in the first Lake Louise downhill. With her determination, Larisa should be
able to fulfill her dream of competing at the Olympics in Sochi. Other racers
are keeping a sharp eye on Larisa and her success. Our intrepid reporters often
overheard conversations among the other World Cup women about how they want to
go off and form their own teams. They are amazed that Larisa is succeeding
without an army of trainers and big corporate sponsors. Larisa’s success is
even more incredible because she does not have access to a witch doctor. If the Blickbild gave out an Intrepid Spirit Award, Larisa would easily win it.

1 1. Short People Got No Reason To Lose. Three of the smallest ladies in the World Cup had
big success in North America. Swiss racer Lara Gut won 3 out of the 6 races and
Liechtenstein’s Tina Weirather had four podium finishes. Move over Naim (Pocket
Hercules) Suleymanoglu and Mathieu Valbuena! There are two new petite power
packs vying for the title of Mightiest Midget in the Sports World. Anna Fenninger
of Austria, who is no giant herself, had five top-5 finishes in North America
including 3 podium places. Back when Lara, Tina, and Anna were kids, they were
teased about their size, or lack thereof. But anyone who dares to mention that
they could help Snow White’s dwarf count increase from 7 to 10 would get their
butts kicked on the ski slopes by them. Even with her partially torn ACL and
knee brace, Amazon-like Lindsey Vonn was no match for the Mighty Midget Power
Ski Force. Other women in the World Cup have been looking into surgery to have
their leg bones shortened so that they can be smaller.

And that concludes another Boston Blickbild
exclusive report.

The Boston Blickbild. Our motto is: We only hire
short reporters because intrepidness is an inverse square function of height.

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