Winners and Losers from the March 3 GOP Debacl—Er, Debate

WINNERS:

Ted Cruz: I found myself rooting for him! That’s right—when the collective American political consciousness is visibly and rapidly decomposing into a gray, furiously racist sentient sludge, up becomes down, ignorance becomes strength, and the impossible becomes the commonplace

Donald Trump: “How can we defeat him?” cries the entire opinion section of the Washington Post for the third day in a row. “How does he keep doing this?” laments FOX News and CNN, as their correspondents rush to give him the first interview after the conclusion of every debate. “How is he so awful?” gnash the collective teeth at Gawker, Buzzfeed, and the Huffington Post, as yet another article about his “having the best words” rockets to the top of their most-viewed list

Brazil: You think THIS is bad? Lula, who was president of Brazil as recently as 2011, was just detained by police for questioning on suspicion that he profited from the ongoing, multibillion-dollar Petrobras corruption scandal; impeachment proceedings against his successor Dilma are being put into motion; and meanwhile in the Senate, Romário, who in addition to being a prominent anti-corruption Senator is widely regarded as one of the greatest soccer players of all time, spent yesterday afternoon flirting publicly on Facebook with an actress who had revealed in an interview that she fantasizes about him while masturbating

Woodchuck Granny Smith Hard Green Apple Hard Cider: Vile stuff. 3/10 would not recommend as mechanism to drink away pain of watching the country’s swift and devastating collapse play out on national television