LERNER HALL – Praising the “free and fair” student government elections, CCSC President Ben Makansi declared victory before voting even began on Monday. “The people have spoken and they have chosen me as their President for life,” he stated at a closed press conference. “They love me.”

Receiving 99% of the reported vote, Makansi trounced his nearest rival, Andre Adams. Though U.N. monitors raised concerns about ballot stuffing given Makansi’s improbable landslide victory – especially since he was neither on the ballot nor technically allowed to run for another term – many are just grateful for another year of political stability at Columbia. In personal interviews, students revealed that they fear a recurrence of the 2012 sectarian strife between Economics majors and Financial Economics majors.

Claiming a rigged election, opposition leaders from the 1U and N/A parties attempted to rally at Low Steps. The activists, however, were met by a brutal military crackdown, as Public Safety officers caged them in six separate pens left over from the original Bacchanal crowd control plan. Meanwhile, the state-run media organization, Bwog, failed to acknowledge the crackdown. Instead, it distracted the Columbia community from its political woes with a shocking report that students were mind-blowingly shitfaced at a spring concert that primarily serves as an excuse to get mind-blowingly shitfaced.