25 Mar 2012

Greg Chappell, the former Australian player and former team India coach needed attention; but this time not of the medical kind. This time, he wanted to market his book 'Fierce Focus'. Chappell knew that his book would have less takers than Google Plus (+). His marketing tactic, therefore, was a tirade against Indian Culture and Cricket.

To put things in the right perspective, Greg Chappell gave an instance of the infamous 'underarm delivery' which he asked his brother Trevor Chappell to bowl in 1981 to rob New Zealand of what could have been a sensational last ball victory. He said he was the true exponent of Australian culture - cheat, deceive, chuck cricketing spirit in the nearest drain - but do not allow the opponent to win! He said that any Indian in his place would be stupid enough to bowl a fair delivery and that is what he means by 'not taking responsibility'! He further advocated his point by saying that the incident of Javed Miandad raising his bat on Dennis Lillee after Lillee kicked Miandad, showed what he meant by aggressive cricket.

Chappell, in the recent past, has demonstrated this kind of behaviour when he runs out of his Foster’s, when his psychiatrist is on a sabbatical, when he exhausts his antipsychotic pills, when he sees the Indian tricolour or the BCCI logo, or simply a photograph of Saurav Ganguly smashing through the off side. During this phase he has called Ganguly, a 'panicker' and Sachin, 'mentally fragile'.

Courtsey: bleacherreport.net

The Global Council of Psychiatrists (the cricketing chapter) has recognised this disease* as Paranoid Schizophrenia 'INDIANA' in which the subject shows great hostility to anything good that happens to the Indian Cricket team . Here's how the disease profile looks:

*Courtesy: Insanity and its Manifestations, (with a special reference to Cricket)
A Text-book by Mr. M.A.D. Shrink, 509th Edition

#Peak incidence seen in the immediate period post-Sachin's centuries and Indian victories in major tournaments.

Risk factors:Sublime form of the Indian cricket team (most important). An acute exacerbation may be precipitated while being interviewed by the media. Failure in past-life as an Indian coach and the low self esteem arising out of a recent rejection by Cricket Australia may make the subject upto 5 times more susceptible.

Symptoms:

a) A psychosomatic perception of an abdominal colic (sometimes accompanied by a generalised burning sensation and pale face) on seeing Indian players perform well in cricket tournaments. A pseudo-sense of painful anal obstruction following the purple patch of senior players and especially after Sachin Tendulkar's centuries.

b) Homicidal tendency reported towards the replacing object such as the next coach of Team India. (Gary Kirsten)

c) Symptoms of mood disturbance, volatility of emotions (mostly seen when India is on the brink of a famous victory or when Tendulkar is in 90s)

d) Flight of ideas, loosening of association, incoherence of speech, irrelevant talk such as mixing leadership issues with Indian culture.

e) Hallucinations:

1. auditory:eg "Shame on you,Chap!" (often followed by a roaring laughter)

2. visual:Imagines being stripped on a cricket ground, finds his face paintedblack in the mirror reflection, images of BCCI officials all around.

f) Feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness compensated in 99.99% of the cases by a baseless accusation or degradation/defamation of the opponent or their skills

g) Eliminating all possible evidence of self-failure and that of grandeur of the inciting object- eg. tearing of newspapers carrying pictures of the victorious Indian team, Sachin Tendulkar, etc.

h) A violent hysterical outburst on seeing objects such as the Indian tricolour, on hearing the Indian national anthem etc.

Duration of illness:An acute attack may be controlled with the help of specially formulated antipsychotic drugs. However, the disease exhibits 'iceberg phenomenon', and as such may exist in a subclinical or a chronic form in between the periods of the exacerbation.

A below-the-mark performance of the Indian team, failure of the senior Indian cricketers, retirement of legends like Ganguly, Dravid, often serve as relieving factors and are known to contribute in the well being of the seriously affected patient.

Complications:Depression, insomnia, excessive talking, lack of appetite, temporary blinding immediately after an Indian victory in a cricket match, desperation and writing autobiographies.

Treatment:A) Preventive measures :

# Removal of any colour combination which resembles the Indian tricolour from the patient's room

# Ensuring that no person with name 'Sachin' visits the patient

# Strict ban on media interactions in any form

# Avoiding Bengali food. Hilsa fish a strict no-no

# Destroying all Saurav Ganguly photographs

B) Curative measures- Drug Treatment with Antipsychotics: 1.Tab. Muhkaalazine 13mg thrice a day
2.Tab.Egobustol 500mg daily with breakfast and 5 tablets STAT to terminate an acute attack. (Note: 5 times higher dose may be required on the day after India win a cricket match).

Prognosis:Poor. May be improved with active rehabilitation of the patient, or by 'occupational therapy'- for example, by re-appointing the patient as the Team India coach.

5 Mar 2012

Dhoni calling Sachin and Sehwag, "slow" in the field hasn't gone down well with Sehwag. Sehwag is not the only person who is livid. There has been tremendous criticism around the world against Dhoni.

In India, Venkatesh Prasad, who has been an inspiration for developing ultra slow motion technology has been in dissentful disagreement with Dhoni. Prasad, in an elaborate and slow explanation (as if to drive home the point) emphasizes that Sachin does not possess any of his own characteristics, and as such he just can't be slow. Anti-speed demons like Madan Lal and Mohinder Amarnath have also rubbished Dhoni's statement.

FOVK , a club with membership of 6 people, including family, coach and friends of Vinay Kumar (no prizes for guessing the expansion of the acronym) have alleged foul play in branding Sachin “slow” as their idol Vinay Kumar has toiled hard to snatch the "slow' tag from the likes of Irfan and Munaf.

In a press note released the club members have stated that there cannot be anyone slower in the field than Vinay Kumar. As an illustration, they demonstrated that the Vinay Kumar delivery reaches the batsman long after he completes his follow through. As empirical evidence they reiterated the fact that Vinay Kumar played both games in which Dhoni was handed a one match for the slow over rate.

Sanjay Manjrekar, perhaps the greatest cricketer after Sir Don Bradman, (now a commentator), and perhaps the slowest living being to have moved between the wickets ever, also dismissed Dhoni's claims at a recently held press conference. Details however are not known as no one turned up at the said press conference. The media representatives reasoned with us by saying that least when Manjrekar is on Television, one can use the mute button.

Picture courtesy: topnews.in

Steve Bucknor, the former West Indian umpire, has alleged conspiracy in this whole issue of calling Sachin slow. According to him team India is trying to get back at him for those horrendous decisions given by him against them. He said that he was the rightful owner of the “slow death” tag for in the time he took to raise his finger, Ram Gopal Verma used to complete a film and announce another.

Prof. Dhoni, on the other hand has claimed to have based his allegation on some deep research and has stood by his reasoning despite the criticism. His reasoning is:

1. Suresh Kalmadi has been in and out of Jail and Sachin still remains on 99. In the meanwhile, even Ashwin has scored an international hundred.

2. Sachin hasn't even been able to score a century at Lord's for all these years. What is significant is that even a batsman like Agarkar has one at the Lord's. What's the point in scoring 99 centuries when you can't score one in the Mecca of cricket?

3. Sachin has scored 204 runs in only 2 one day internationals he played in 2010. In one innings he scored 4 and in the other, he scored.......never mind...let's go to the 4th point.

4. Joginder Sharma has played more international T20s than Sachin. Joginder has played 4 International T20s and Sachin has played only one. Moral of the story: Sachin is slower than Joginder.

5. Even off the pitch, Sachin has been slow in reacting to digs against him by cricketing giants like Manjrekar. He hasn’t even reacted to charges of ball tampering till now.

6. Sachin is stuck with just cricket whereas legends like Atul Wassan and Maninder Singh haved moved on to commentary, umpiring etc.

This information was leaked to us by the young cricketers in the team, initially on the condition of anonymity. Later on, they called us to say that they had dropped the condition. "In any case even if Duncan finds out, it really doesn't matter...he doesn't even know our names.” said the young Indian cricketers.