Sunday, January 10, 2010

Daytime Ramblings of Painful Anniversairies

A lot has happened since I last did any blogging back in June 2008! If you read my posts you would know my husband was receiving radiotherapy following a brain tumour. Rupert, my husband, tragically died on September 20th 2008 from this.

As it would have been my husband's 43rd birthday on 5th January, I decided to light a candle to remember him. I normally go to his graveside to speak to him but couldn't get there because of the snow. I was feeling guilty about this as I would also have liked to place a birthday card there & take away the Christmas decorations the kids & I had left there . We had kept the "DAD" oasis & covered it with tinsel & baubles which had brightened up his grave.

I find it so painful that Rupert can't see our kids Rick & Dean growing up. I just hope & pray he can see them from heaven & enjoy each new milestone they reach such as starting secondary school, becoming a teenager.

I feel so guilty as hell that it is him 6 feet under & not me. I ask"Why him? Why did he have to die so young aged 41 when his kids were only 12 & 10?" It must be so hard for them to come to terms with. As a christian I direct my anger at God. It was bad enough becoming a widow at 41, but I feel for my kids - all the things they will miss out on because they haven't a dad to teach them new skills such as tinkering about with the car, building a garden model railway as I'm sure he would have done with them.

I do know, that I can't fill the gaps. I can't be a Mum as well as a Dad. Their Dad must live on in all our hearts with everlasting treasured memories.

So many anniversairies year on year out. Just got through Christmas & the New Year & now Rupert's birthday.

I lit a candle at my dining room table & talked to Rupert as I would at the grave. Very quickly the flame of the candle started to die out. I felt bitterly disappointed. I already hadn't been able to get to the grave. Any card I bought had to be laminated. Choice of card has to be limited. Some words just aren't appropriate for someone who is 6ft under.

I felt desperate. Just as the flame was about to die out, I remember saying spontaneously, "Rupert, please don't die on me". For the candle to have gone out, felt like he had left me for good - total abandonment. I immediately felt guilty for having said this. After all Rupert was already dead. But what I meant was the candlelight.

As soon as I said this, the flame shot back upwards growing bigger into a strong flame. I felt this was a sign he was with me. I felt a rush of adrenaline go through me - a thrill of delight that he was with me & understood why I couldn't go to the grave on his birthday.

My kids were thrilled to hear this encounter & we later bought cards for him. This time we didn't put them on the grave. The kids put their's next to the big computer downstairs where Rupert would often sit. I put mine next to our bed, on the side where Rupert used to sleep.

This week-end I took the boys to Frankie & Benny's for breakfast to remember Rupert. This isn't something we would normally do but hey sometimes it is nice to do something different.

I also phoned my Mother-in-Law to let her know I was thinking of her as well which I think she appreciated.

I don't feel so bad now that I didn't get to Rupert's grave. This experience has shown me that it is therapeutic to do something different. I can remember Rupert wherever I am.

My next step is to sort out a head stone. Over a year has gone by & I haven't been able to do this yet. I'm just waiting for this weather to improve first.

The other thing I found difficult last year was my birthday. I became 42 & left Rupert at 41. As we were married for 18 years & I probably knew him for about 20 years, it didn't seem right or fair that I should have lived longer than him. I guess I have always known him to be a couple of months older than me.

As I will be 43 this year, it makes Rupert's death feel like he was really young to have lost the fight against cancer or even to have had cancer at all. There is a sense that I have left him behind. What a tragedy.

Popped over from your mum's. I have thought of you so often and prayed for you and your boys. Don't be angry at God. God didn't do this and we will see our loved ones again. As christians we all believe in the resurrection of the dead and so you will see each other again. Take comfort in that.

A very poignant post and I hope you find it helps to off load as you have. Blogging can be therapeutic. Oh - and don't be so hard on yourself. Your children need you and you (from what I know through your mum) are the rock for your children. That's a mum's job description I think.

So thank you for sharing, and accept a ((((hug)))) from me from up North.

Debbie...I love the way you speak from your heart. That is not easy (for me)...nor can most people do it with the honesty and the love that you have done it with in this blog. If you are 'new' to blogging, I can't imagine what you will be like when you are a 'seasoned' blogger. You touched my heart.... My heart ached for you as I was reading what you wrote. And then...then...it jumped for joy when I read about the candle extending its light to you....and for you!!Yes...it was for you, Debbie. I feel that in my heart...a warm and encouraging sign just for you!You sound like the best wife, mother and daughter....and I want you to know that you have a friend from 'across the pond' (me) who you don't even know...have never met...but who would like to follow your blog...lend a shoulder...and also to be able draw strength from YOU. You are a strong woman...and your sons will rise up and call you blessed. I love you in Christ...and hope that you know that you have become an instant friend to me....just because of the love I feel from you for your Rupert, your sons, and your Mother. Much love to you from Jackie

P.S. I would like to follow you, but I don't see a place to click to follow you.If you would like, you may get my email address from Maggie or Eddie; I have a private blog, so I would need to invite you via e-mail. I would be honored if you would visit me there some time.Hugs from Jackie (U.S.A.)

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is heartwrenching to read of your thoughts as you move on, as you must, without him. It is normal to feel survivor's guilt that you are here and he is gone.

I pray that God will bring you comfort and be ever so near to you and your children, especially at important dats that wash you over in grief anew.

It's healing to put down feelings on paper (or computer). You express yourself so well, straight from the heart.

I am so sorry about your dear hubby. But I do believe that spiritually he is around all the time. The candle proved it!

When my brother died (at age 56), I told the funeral people to please light the candles (that were beside his coffin). They did. The next thing I knew, the candles had gone out. I asked them again to please light the candles. They did once again. A few minutes later they went out. Strange - I mentioned this to my sister-in-law (my brother's widow).

"Oh", she said "ever since the ice storm 4 years ago (our power was off for days so people lit candles), your brother hates candles. He was so afraid someone would tip one over and cause a fire. Didn't you know that?".

No, I hadn't, but now I understand why the candles kept going out! So we just left them unlit.

Hi Debbie, I came from your Mum's blog. This is a beautiful post, so sad,heartbreaking. I'm sorry for your loss and your children's loss. I can't imagine how difficult it is, I've 3 kids (17,16 &13) and many times in a week I think "I could not cope with them on my own". And yet you have to, there's no opt out clause.

I lost a very close friend some years ago, age 41, brain tumour. I had similar feelings when I turned 41 myself, such guilt.You're a brave lady. Blogland is a good support, many good and kind people out there.

About Me

I Live in Essex with my two children on the outskirts of a town. Am part of a village but can see surrounding countryside outside my bedroom window. Bliss! Visiting London is relatively easy. Am in my early forties. Run my own small business from home as a child minder. My kids attend the local secondary school aged 13 & 11. The eldest child has autism, so have a special interest in this.I am on a gluten-free diet for Coeliac Disease. So if anyone has any good recipes to share I would be delighted to hear about them.
I escape to the gym when I can. I usually hate it at the time & clock watch. But afterwards I feel great!
Am a christian & attend the church of England.
I dream of visiting West End shows but it doesn't happen very often! I'm busy fitting my social life around the kids!
Became a widow, aged 41 & hope to blog as a journal through my grief. Hope I can help others through my experiences.