How Do You Say ‘Dirty Whore’ In Chinese?

Yes, it’s exactly the dumpster you thought it was. I’m coming into this late in the game but let me break it down for you. PE crackhead Flavor Flav has to choose one busted ho to date. The busted ho’s in question have to outwit (HAH!) each other and impress Flav on a series of events and then earn clocks each elimination period. I seriously think the only prize is Flav gets to nail you. *shiver* There’s a mansion, and a lot of creepy desperation as every ethnicity is made to look full-on retarded. And even Ann Coulter makes women look better than this show.

So far, misspelled nicknames have been assigned, low pro ho’s have been cut like Afros, and a bitch brawl broke out over sleeping quarters. The aggressor was tossed out despite offering her fallen opponent “lip chap”. Is that chapstick? Flav just kind of stumbles through all this, slurring potential catch phrases and thanking jaysus that he got that slot on the Surreal Life that started all this. The culmination of all this was when one incredibly elegant lass took a smash on the floor. No, I’m serious. I can feel my gag reflex kicking in even as I type this. And that was just the first episode. This show probably has writers, too. This is ghastly.

Episode two was a lot different. You really felt a growing admiration and respect for these women as you got to know them as individuals. Their personal journeys….

HAH! Just playing. No, it’s still brokedown tramps and the man who loves them narrating segments while eating fried chicken. Does the NAACP know about this? Should someone call them? This is making me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s supposed to. Could VH-1 be using Flavor Flav to subvert racial stereotypes? No, this is the network that also came up with “My Fair Brady” and “The VH-1 Fashion Awards”. They ain’t that deep.

More of J. Harvey’s Flavor of Love recap after the jump.

Anyway, by the third episode we’re left with 12 chickenheads and the man who loves them. Flav is wearing leopard skin pj’s and spending some quality time under a blanket with “Krazy”. Krazy lets us know that this is “one of the best experiences of my life” which makes me want to start a charity for down and out hoochies. The other ladies aren’t loving Flav spending all his time with Krazy. “Bootz” decides to spy on Krazy and Flav to see what Krazy might be telling him. Flav promises not to break Krazy’s heart and Bootz camera-determines that she needs to step up her game and get all these “fake bitches out of the house”. Hurry. Please.

Flavorgram! Which is kind of like Tyra-mail except it smells like bongwater, and BBQ sauce and the spelling is bad. “Deelishis” lets us know that six of the girls will be accompanying Flav to his favorite restaurant. Deelishis seems like a nice-enough lass, but there’s a question of gender and she has a lot of scars. She’s been through a lot. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but she thinks they’re going to eat some “great cuisine”. They arrive all dressed to impress at a soul food restaurant. And Flav lets us know that they’re going to work at the restaurant because he wants a woman who can make her own money, not just spend his. Because I’m sure there’s a lot left. The girls get assigned jobs, and Flav watches their progress from his limo on closed circuit.

Some girls pull it off nicely. “Buckwild” is already a waitress so she’s fine with all of this. She even raps a birthday song for a customer, which causes one customer to tell her not to quit her day job. It’s still better than anything K-Fed has ever done. This bitch should have played at the Teen Choice Awards. Bootz and “Somethin” (the diamond in the rough who loosed her bowels on the floor) prepare the food backstage. Which involves cutting up catfish and whole chickens. And Somethin’ is acting silly and dancing around and narrowly misses slashing another employee with a knife that is just here to work so he probably wants to punch her stupid, floor-messing ass. Deelishis is handling takeout and answering the phone, and oh my god it was crazy she exclaims to us. Yes, work is crazy. Do any of these people have jobs in real life or is it full-time slutting on reality shows? Deelishis has junk in her trunk and the entire restaurant knows it. One desperate woman lets us know that it is way too much ass for one person and we could “all use some of that ass at this table”. Maybe Deelishis could become an ass donor or something to needy women in search of bigger asses.

Somethin’ gets fired for being an asshole. Can this show be cancelled for being an asshole? Bootz wins for cutting up chicken, and Flav whisks her away in a Thunderbird convertible and goes parking. Does he have a license? They make out, and god forgive me because I am no beauty myself but Flav is not pretty to look at. And the thought of having to make out with this man… I’d rather kiss John Mark Karr. And I think Flav might actually be 65 years old. He’s looking a little gnarled. He’s looking a little Gollum, to be honest. Gollum with a grille. Ugh. But people will do anything for fame or potential riches. Bootz is happy that Flav doesn’t “misunderstand” me. No, I’m sure he understands that you’re money-grubbing and slatternly.

Back at the whorehouse, Flav tells Deelishis to bring herself and her ass to his room tonight for some one-on-one time. Maybe they can start working on creating their new charity Asses for the Assless. Krazy asks Flav to meet her in the hot tub in an hour, and she gets rejected. So she cries. She’s heartbroken, and tells “Tiger” that she’s using her heart, mind and soul to try and win Flavor over. Frankly, appearing on this show as a contestant precludes you owning any of those three. So you’re handicapped from the get-go if that’s your strategy, lady. Tiger says that people should stop acting crazy, and be happy for the girl who wins and when Tiger lies, her boobs grow. Tiger is the girl who wouldn’t kiss Flav last episode because no one wants to kiss a hood goblin. Tiger camera-perjures that girls are throwing themselves at Flav and she’s the opposite because she’s old-fashioned. Yeah, Tiger is right up there with sepia-tone and tea cozies and billboards for Burma Shave. Stop lying, whore.

Bootz channels ghetto Mata Hari once again and spies on Tiger and Krazy talking. She deduces that Tiger doesn’t deserve to be here and is just a “thirsty bitch”. Heh. There’s a lot of dehydration going around that mansion. Deelishis and her ass meet up with Flav and we see that Flav is all rolling on top of her gender-confused ass. Krazy is not happy that Flav lied to her about being tired and is actually climbing Mt. Deelishis. Krazy cries and is hurt, and the other girls look at her like her nickname is chillingly apt.

Flavorgram! It smells like Colt .45 and coke smoke. Flav takes some girls over to clean up a friend’s mansion to prove that they can “hold the fort” down. I like how all these challenges reflect the fact that Flav has no money and might even be seriously auditioning some of these broads to work for him and keep his house clean. The house is nasty. It’s obviously staged because who in the hell puts a roll of toilet paper on a bottle of corona and then puts spaghetti over it? And leaves it on the kitchen counter. But these girls are all like wow, they really partied. At my next party, I’m going to have a Swifter with some Kleenex on it covered in beef stroganoff. That’s how I roll.

Meanwhile back at the bunny ranch, Somethin and Bootz fight. There are a lot of fingers waved in front of faces and boobs bouncing up off each other. I’m sorta turned on. This is not Sirius so all the cursing prevents me from actually knowing what they’re yelling about.

Warren G comes home to his mansion, and I seriously think this might not even be his house as it’s been a long time since “Regulators, mount up!” He expresses interest in what the mess is like inside of his house, so you know it’s not his. He lives in a one bedroom down in Venice Beach and Dre sends him a check once a month. We cut a lot between girls cleaning up after a fake party and Bootz and Somethin causing a lot of bleeping. *sigh* The mansion is nasty. And Warren G looks terrified of “Like Dat”. Despite her excitement, even she knows that Warren G’s star has fallen as she camera-fangirls that she loved him “back in the day”. Sad. When they enter, one girl whose moniker I am unsure of shoots Flav and Warren a look like “you muthafuckas better be loving this cleaning job”. Heh. Oh, and “Nibblz” wins mainly because her shirt is see-through. Someone comments that Nibblz is actually an Internet stripper. Isn’t that how they auditioned girls for this gig?

Nibblz and Flav and Nibblz’ speech impediment have dinner. Flav and Nibblz eat at the ends of a long table that Flav tells us is the “tradition of a king and queen”. Nibblz sez that she “feels like a queen”. A drag queen. There’s a giant lobster, and outside the girls who didn’t win drink and play Truth or Dare or something. Flav whacks the shit out of dinner with a mallet. They must be terrified of him down at Red Lobster. Nibblz expresses delight that she was able to show Flav that she actually was sexy as opposed to just looking sexy. And that there is so much more she can do for him, which includes a sling and some ping-pong balls. “Payshintz” and Bootz clash over Bootz ridiculing her for dating Asian men. Payshintz is kinda nutty and threatens to leave. Can I go with her?

Flav has one-on-ones with the girls. He realizes Krazy might actually be krazy. Duh. Payshintz continues her breakdown is speaking in Chinese and calling all of the girls whores. Which is funny. Her drunk ass is unable to even smoke a cigarette properly. Spy of Love Bootz backstabs Somethin’, Tiger, and Payshintz. Bootz has ALL the drama. When I go back to re-read some of these sentences, I realize how crazy they sound and not just because of my shitty grammar.

Elimination! Can I go home, too? Payshintz camera slurs that she doesn’t like drama. Bitch, why are you on this show? Flavor Flav cracks me up when he tries to act all serious while wearing crazy sunglasses and a king’s robe and passing out gigantic clocks.

Somethin’ gets eliminated and does this crazy eye roll and this makes me think it was a good idea because a girl who will shit on your floor will also probably stab you in your sleep. Somethin’ feels she was “too real” for Flav. If she is “too real” then please give me imaginary. Tiger gets tossed. She cries that Flav “exceeded her expectations tenfold”. What? Those are some low-ass expectations. Oh, and her real name is Britney. She says that she really doesn’t want to leave him but she’s “not right for this”. Meaning she didn’t want to kiss that face. Payshintz denies her clock. And then she tells us Bootz is a dirty whore in Chinese. Flav pours some champagne out on the rug in honor of the departed. And much to my distress, no one cancels this shit mid-season.