I’ve had a LOT of experience with this experience and judging by the divorce rate alone, I know I’m not the only one! We were created to be in relationship with one another, because that’s how we grow.

Taking Offense:

The Bahá’í standard is that we don’t give or take offence, but how many of us fall into this “habit of thought and speech)?

Bahá’í consultation is not an easy process. It requires love, kindliness, moral courage and humility. Thus no member should ever allow himself to be prevented from expressing frankly his view because it may offend a fellow member; and, realizing this, no member should take offence at another member’s statements. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 179-180)

One person does something (an event) which causes us to get upset or take offence (the meaning we give to it); and we believe they are the cause of our upset (the lie). For example: This weekend I was hoping to see my son while I was in the city he lived in. I love him very much and I know he loves me. I extended the invitation and he didn’t respond. (an event). I took offence and my lower nature had a lot of fun feeding me these lies:

Judgements: He’s thoughtless, inconsiderate, hurtful.

Suspicion: He doesn’t love me anymore; he doesn’t want me in his life

Anger and Bitterness: I’m never going to ask him again; or answer his calls again.

Resentment: Why does he always do this to me? Why do I always set myself up for his rejection?

Envy and Jealousy: Why do other people have frequent interactions with their children and I don’t?

The Bahá’í Writings tell us how hard it is to free ourselves from these worldly thoughts which attract us to the centre of our selves. If we aren’t assisted by the divine power, we’ll escape from one and fall into another. We try to soar upward, but the density of the love of self, like gravity, pulls us back into the prison of self. The only thing that can keep us ever on the path of upward ascension is the power of the Holy Spirit:

Just as the earth attracts everything to the centre of gravity, and every object thrown upward into space will come down, so also material ideas and worldly thoughts attract man to the centre of self. Anger, passion, ignorance, prejudice, greed, envy, covetousness, jealousy and suspicion prevent man from ascending to the realms of holiness, imprisoning him in the claws of self and the cage of egotism. The physical man, unassisted by the divine power, trying to escape from one of these invisible enemies, will unconsciously fall into hands of another. No sooner does he attempt to soar upward than the density of the love of self, like the power of gravity, draws him to the centre of the earth. The only power that is capable of delivering man from this captivity is the power of the Holy Spirit. The attraction of the power of the Holy Spirit is so effective that it keeps man ever on the path of upward ascension. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Scriptures, p. 241)

Blame

How often do we blame others for our feelings, instead of owning them ourselves? My son didn’t make me feel any of those negative thoughts above – his action was just an action, until I gave it meaning, and the meaning came from my lower nature, it didn’t come from God.

It behoveth you, therefore, to attach blame to no one except to yourselves, for the things ye have committed, if ye but judge fairly. (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 222-223)

The more we blame each other for our feelings, the more we take offence, even though no offence might have been meant at the beginning, when the other person was just trying to state what happened and what it would take to get their needs met, but when this happens, the whole relationship can start to fray.

Let’s look at some other examples:

Your husband leaves the toilet seat up after you’ve told him a million times to put it down, and it seems like his failure to do so is causing your anger and upset.

A friend doesn’t agree with something you said and you think her lack of agreement is causing your upset.

Your boss gets angry with you and you blame your anxiety on what she said and how she said it.

Each of these things is just an event:

Your husband leaves the toilet seat up

A friend disagrees with you

The boss is angry at something you did

The upset we feel comes from believing the lies we tell ourselves about what happened.

He has no respect for me; he never listens; nothing I want is important to him . . .

If she doesn’t agree with me she’s no friend of mine; why isn’t my point important? how could she be my friend and disagree on this important issue? . . .

She must be PMS’ing; she’s made me look bad; she’s shamed me in front of my coworkers . . .

So if most of the problems between us come from taking offence, believing the lies we tell ourselves and blaming others, what can we do to free ourselves from these habits of thought?

Learning how to distinguish between what happened and the meaning we give to it is important if we don’t want to keep drinking poison and staying stuck in our lower natures. Instead of blaming them for making us angry, we need to learn to love them for the imperfect sinners they are, and see their actions as arising from their lower natures.

As a devoted believer you are urged to . . . attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature, whose actions can only lead them deeper into unhappiness and separation from God. By this means, you can liberate yourself from the anger to which you refer in your letter, and foster your own spiritual development. (The Universal House of Justice, 1985 Dec 02, Child Abuse, Psychology and Knowledge of Self)

We can’t change what happened; but we can learn to stop believing the lies we tell ourselves about what it means; and learn to think more positively instead.

When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love. Thoughts of war bring destruction to all harmony, well-being, restfulness and content. Thoughts of love are constructive of brotherhood, peace, friendship, and happiness. (Abdu’l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 29)

If just one person learns to dissolve their negative feelings, the whole argument will come to an end. The other person can’t push our buttons and there is no one to argue with; and if you aren’t busy arguing with each other, it’s easy to be more loving.

Instead of personalizing my upset about my son’s lack of response, I could just as easily tell myself:

His phone might have been lost, stolen or broken and he didn’t get the message

He was away

He was busy with his own life

He just forgot

None of those beliefs have the negative charge the others ones did, and allowed me the freedom to overlook his faults and forgive him; which makes it much more likely we’ll have a more positive, loving interaction the next time we speak.

Changing a habit of thought or speech is not necessarily easy. It requires us to be vigilant and persistent, and practice until we get it right. Don’t worry! If you’re sincere in wanting to change this habit, God will increase the number of tests to give you an opportunity! Don’t lose heart! The more we work at changing our thoughts and reactions, the more we move the world towards peace!

Share this:

Like this:

Related

About The Author

Susan Gammage is a Bahá’í-inspired author, educator and researcher with a passion for finding ways to help people apply Bahá'í principles to everyday life situations so they can learn to "live the life". She has published hundreds of articles and many books and nothing gives her greater pleasure than working on a whole lot more. She is blessed to be able to live in one of the most beautiful parts of Canada.
To hire her as a life coach: https://susangammage.com/shop or to contribute to the costs of developing and maintaining the site:
https://susangammage.com/product-category/donations

I’ve written 2 books on this topic, which can be downloaded free – Letting Go of Fault-Finding, Blame and Accusation and Learning How to Forgive

Randy Focht

May 17, 2016 at 1:00 pm ·

The problem here is that NO one should speak with stinging words. Period!!!

My Dad once told me about his friend, who he said could tell anyone anything, but he said it in such a nice way that it did not bother them at all. I think it was Abdu’l-Baha who said that when saying something to another, it must not burden another’s heart. My personal rule, is if you can’t think of a way to say something sweetly, then don’t say it until you can say it sweetly.

One thing you have not addressed and I hope you do eventually is: When one speaks negatively how do we stop their words from piercing our emotions? The hurt from the stinging words brings a natural retaliatory response which perpetuates the negativity? Is this subject something you can work with?

Randy Focht

May 17, 2016 at 12:51 pm ·

Hi Susan,

I love ALL of your compilations. Thank you ever so much for them. About a year ago I wanted to consult with you trying to find a specific marriage quotation which I had read many years ago, but could not find, but you had just broken your ankle.

Anyway, about what you said in this article, which is no doubt true, there is another way to look at and deal with this same issue, and that is through positive reinforcement in your words, attitude and tone of voice. If people follow the principle of positive reinforcement (of which Abdu’l-Baha was an expert), you will not cause anger, or upset in another person, and that is what I am trying to teach. In my opinion, the majority of marriages disintegrate due to constant and unrelenting negative reinforcement towards each other. I have been through just such a marriage. In fact, it was the cause of my learning.
The other factor is the Principle of Understanding. Some people, have never learned to try to understand another…their point of view…what their situation is… This is so much preferable over blaming, criticizing, putting someone down, control, assuming the worst (rather than the best) and so on…
I tell the story of the husband coming home late from work, only to find a very mad wife who instantly started yelling, criticizing, fault finding. Yet, she never asked why he was late. What should have been known to the wife if she had just asked instead of getting mad, was that as he was driving home, he saw an old woman who as she was crossing the street, her bag of groceries had opened up and everything had fallen out onto the road. So the husband had stopped and helped her pack the things into his car and he drove her home. Instead of blame, the husband deserved praise and gratitude, but instead received blame and anger and condemnation from the wife. And that is the difference between a loving and successful marriage, and failure. That husband was probably thinking that he wished that he had married a more kind-hearted, loving, and forgiving wife.

When someone speaks negatively, it’s just a statement they make. The emotions that follow are what we tell ourselves the statement means.

In the case of my son, he didn’t say anything (which was the problem!), but what I said to myself was:

• He doesn’t love me
• He doesn’t want me in his life.
• I’m unlovable.
• Nobody loves me
• Everyone who says they love me leaves.
• I must be really bad to cause people to not want to be around me

And these messages were daggers to my heart; and left me feeling total despair!

And then there were the thoughts:

• No one is too busy to text 4 words (sorry I’m not available)
• If he treats me like that, how is he going to treat his wife?
• His marriage is never going to work
• I’m never going to put myself in that position again (asking for a visit)

And those thoughts made me angry and it felt like drinking poison!

I think it’s like that with any negative event that happens or any negative word someone says.

They’re just someone’s statement, coming from the lower nature. It’s just their opinion. What causes problems is when we take offence and get defensive and believe it and hurl something back.

Emotions aren’t bad – they alert us to an injustice and then we can decide what to do, but when we get stuck in them; or think the other person caused us to feel a certain way, that leads to “war”.

We don’t want to get stuck in them because:

The natural emotions are blameworthy and are like rust which deprives the heart of the bounties of God. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 244-245)

When we want to get free of them, here is some good advice:

Be not the slave of your moods, but their master. But if you are so angry, so depressed and so sore that your spirit cannot find deliverance and peace even in prayer, then quickly go and give some pleasure to someone lowly or sorrowful, or to a guilty or innocent sufferer! Sacrifice yourself, your talent, your time, your rest to another, to one who has to bear a heavier load than you—and your unhappy mood will dissolve into a blessed, contented submission to God. [The Research] Department has found that these words were attributed to ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in an unpublished English translation of notes in German by Dr. Josephine Fallscheer taken on 5 August 1910. As the statement is a pilgrim note, it cannot be authenticated.]

One thing you have not addressed and I hope you do eventually is: When one speaks negatively how do we stop their words from piercing our emotions? The hurt from the stinging words brings a natural retaliatory response which perpetuates the negativity? Is this subject something you can work with?

Note: The materials on this site reflect the current understanding of Susan Gammage from her experience in the Bahá’í community and as a Bahá’í-inspired researcher/author. They do not represent an official interpretation of the Bahá’í Writings. They are simply offered as an educational resource for Bahá’ís to consider as they strive to understand and implement the Writings into their lives, institutions and communities. Any questions about the application of certain quotes to your own particular situation should be directed to the Bahá’í institutions. Official websites include www.bahai.org (international); http://www.ca.bahai.org/ (Canadian) and http://www.bahai.us/ (American).