Reading this means you're at least smart enough to go down to Kentucky, show them fire, and be their god.

6.27.2004

Inventions Only Lead to Conscious Robots That Destroy the Human Race

Have you ever thought that you had a great idea for an invention? I know I have - it would be red. It would probably have some chrome on it, and a light that you coulda swore just blinked. Or blunk, if you're into using weird versions of words when you're unsure of the "proper" past-tense version of said word. Too few people use the word "shat" nowadays. I blame our dependence on prescription drugs. Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is still crazy? I sure did! For that, I blame his freakish skeleton of a wife. Turns out that Arnold has developed a rather aggressive way of dealing with stray animals - to slay them - in 3 days or less. "Lesser" animals, he proposed, (birds, hamsters, potbellied pigs, rabbits, snakes and turtles and other small, cute things) would be killed IMMEDIATELY upon capture. For animals like chinchillas and meerkats, he would personally kill the beast by holding it against a wall, stabbing it with a large knife thusly pinning it to said wall, and saying something clever like "Stick around." Then he'd light a cigar off the explosions and kiss a baby. (I realize this makes no sense, but I have this absurd fantasy that Arnie's life is like an action movie. It just makes him holding political office make more sense to me.) So this little turd of an idea (the efficient disposal of lesser animals on a RIGHT AWAY kinda timeframe - focus!) was posted on CNN Friday morning. By Friday evening, lo and behold, Arnold had released another statement that essentially said his earlier, crazy-animal-killing idea... was just a "mistake." He never meant to say it. Sounds plausible. It turns out that people's reactions to the plan ranged from "That's crazy" to "That's totally fuckin' crazy." Go figure. So that's where we stand. And... people of California... (and the world, this affects all of us) I implore you to ponder: Arnold has been in office since Wednesday, October 8, 2003. Why the fuck hasn't that good-for-nothing fat bastardFOUND FUCKING SARAH CONNOR yet? Our future depends on this, and he's too worried about killing little animals faster. Well, that and smearing mud on himself so that scary skeleton wife of his can't see his infrared patterns, and thus cannot hurt his sensitive ears with the constant rumbling of her malnourished belly.

Speaking of Sarah Connor and all things Terminator-ish, software on a NASA spacecraft recently made a scientific observation on its own without human interaction. That's right, baby! Skynet has become self aware! Head for the bomb shelter - and bring something to keep you occupied until you win the bid on that time machine, and you can save humanity - that jackass Schwarzenegger certainly won't!

As an afterthought, I feel compelled to share this with you (found on ABCnews.com):

"ABCNEWS obtained a copy of an unpublished book proposal with quotes from a verbatim transcript of an interview Schwarzenegger gave in 1975 while making the film Pumping Iron.

Asked who his heroes are, he answered, "I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for what he did with it."

He is quoted as saying he wished he could have an experience, "like Hitler in the Nuremberg stadium. And have all those people scream at you and just being total agreement whatever you say."

Too fucking crazy to believe? Check out the article HERE. Explains a lot.