Contents

Physiology

FROG has been interpreted in many different forms of visual art. A common depiction of Him, which some believe to be His true form, is that of an old man - a muscular but kind-faced human male with a beard the length and breadth of his mighty torso.

Some believe. I however know FROG's true appearance, I am one of the few to have witnessed the greatness that is FROG.

So what was that like?

A beautiful light flashed, then dark, then I felt as though I had fallen into a dream. A star appeared before me, just in the hallway it was, where I was checking the post. It was bright and the colour of a lime. It's soft green glow seeped through my skull and touched my brain, then I felt a tickling sensation. After that I knew all the secrets of the universe. FROG had revealed them to me.

Evolution

Oh yeah. Well, nothing I guess, but then again, you're not exactly talking about frogs are you?

Do you want to hear more about FROG or not?

Yes please.

Then be quiet. The lime green coloured star that appeared before me is a quasar. Quasars are vastly dense celestial objects that occur when black holes -

Whoa, what's all this physics crap? I just want to know about the frog man.

You mean FROG.

Yeah, frog dude or whatever he's called.

Forget it, I'm fed up of this section.

Cultural Beliefs

My clay representation of The Great One... What do you mean it looks like a frog?

FROG still speaks to me on occasion. Sometimes He appears when I am watching TV, or sitting in the bath, or sacrificing chickens to the FROG sculpture I made for my mantlepiece. He tells me everything will be ok and that He loves me. Sometimes He asks me to take my clothes off and dance around for Him. And He always appears in the form of a green quasar.

Wait, what was that about chickens?

He tells me the secrets of existence, and the truth about the Universe. Humans have lost their minds and become insane, He says. This happened in 37 CE when Jesus and his syzygy Sophia left this universe for the Pleroma. Jesus and Sophia are FROG's son and daugher by the way.

Did you say Jesus?

That's right, Jesus. Son of FROG.

You mean Son of God? Have you been talking about God all this time?

God? No, I 'm talking about FROG. The almighty FROG.

No, I think you mean God. God is the guy you're describing there. I'm sure of it. The big beard, being Jesus' dad, who else could it be?

But aren't gods those little slimy things that live in ponds?

No, that's frogs, I told you that at the start.

...

Remember?

...Ah, I see what you're doing.

What do you mean?

You're making fun of me.

What!?

You really expect me to believe that I confused Our Maker with a small, pond-dwelling animal?

I'm not lying to you, it's the truth!

Oh, so you're saying I'm stupid?

I'm not saying you're anything, I'm just pointing out that you're a guy who can't tell the difference between a huge, all-powerful bearded guy and a little green slimy guy.

I've had enough of you. I think you should leave.

I think that's the guy you mean.

But...

I said go!

But I'm only...

Time to go now.

Ow! Stop kicking me!

Then leave.

Fine, I'll leave.

Right, goodbye then.

Bye... lunatic

Realisation

Oh FROG this is terrible... what that man said, it all makes perfect sense. Damn him, the italicised bastard! How dare he destroy my blissful ignorance, smiting it down as you would a heathen. I've wasted my entire life chasing quasars and performing bizarre rituals. That's right FROG, you heard me - bizarre! Why didn't you just tell me you weren't real to begin with?

Oh I don't mean that FROG. I still love you. Yes, yes, I'm glad you love me too. I just have a lot of thinking to do...