In September 2015 Congregation Rodeph Sholom gave me the date for my son Daniel’s Bar Mitzvah — April 14, 2018. At the time, Daniel was ten years old, playing ball in the park, having playdates with his friends and his Bar Mitzvah seemed like a lifetime away.

And then, before I knew it, I was waking up in the middle of the night wondering if there would be a theme such as hockey or basketball? Would it be in NYC or in Kent, Connecticut where we held my daughters’ B’Not Mitzvah? What would he wear? What would I wear?

Daniel, in his typically laid-back fashion, just studied, wrote a speech, and went about his business of preparing for his big day where he would become a man in the Jewish tradition.

Having been to my share of Bar Mitzvahs and weddings in my day, I have been watching how people (both kids and adults) are spending more and more time on their phones. I happen to believe that a Bar Mitzvah is a time when kids should be dancing, singing, and focusing on each other, not sitting on their phones playing Fortnite (stay tuned for a future article on how Fortnite is the end of humanity as we know it!).

But what’s a parent/party planner to do? I thought about banning phones, but my son (and two teenage daughters) told me that would be “social suicide.”

And then, the day before the Bar Mitzvah, my dad called and said that his recent back surgery was going to prevent him from attending. Daniel was disappointed, but my dad was devastated. Of course, my dad wanted to watch his grandson become a Bar Mitzvah and be there to participate in all of the blessings and play his grandfatherly role.

So on the morning of the event, when my brother-in-law and Rabbi, Matthew Gewirtz, asked, “What do you think about face-timing in your dad so that he can participate in the service?

I answered, “Of course!”

Which immediately made me pause and ask...What am I thinking? What will people think? Will people roll their eyes when I of all people, someone who speaks and writes about our obsession with technology, takes out my phone during the service? What if the Wi-Fi blinks out and we’re stuck in one of those insane Can you hear me? vortexes I warn companies against all the time? What if it leads to everyone else taking out their phones?

But then I remembered that other thing I always tell people and companies — it’s not that technology is bad. It’s that we have to find the sweet spot between tech and connect. We have to use it wisely and well to help us curate connection.

So that’s what I did.

The service went off without a hitch. When it was time for my dad’s prayer, the Wi-Fi worked, and my dad’s proud face was beamed into the room. He said hi to the crowd and then said his prayers. Everyone laughed at the sight of the Rabbi “holding” my dad while they said the prayer together, which brought the room of 250 people closer together. This was technology at its finest.

My dad saying his prayers via Facetime.Tripp Street

And then, it was time to party.

In the months leading up to the bash, I was determined to find a way to put technology “in its place.” I came up with what I thought was kind of a subtle (ish) idea. As the doors opened to the ballroom for dinner and dancing, I projected a picture onto the wall that said No cell phones! And I arranged for the people working at the party to stand at the entrance to the ballroom and ask the kids to put their phones in their cubbies. It was not a mandate—just a suggestion. A hope. A prayer?

I just got hundreds of pictures back from the Bar Mitzvah. The pictures show Daniel and his friends dancing, singing, playing Coke and Pepsi (yes, kids still play this game), giving speeches, and just having fun. The adults look like they’re having a ball, too. There are virtually no pictures of anyone on phones.

My son Daniel having a ball dancing at his Bar Mitzvah — no phone necessary!Tripp Street

It could be that our photographer didn’t think those would make compelling shots, but many people have told me that they noticed that the kids were really engaged and they asked me advice on how to do it at their own kids’ events.

There is no greater compliment than to say that a party (like an outfit or a room) looks and feels easy, natural, and relaxed. But we all know how much work it takes to get there! In the case of finding the sweet spot between tech and connect, it takes hard work, intention, and then establishing rules of the road, always in a way that is appropriate to the setting.

Whether it’s a company retreat, a family gathering, or dinner with friends, all too often, left to our own devices we aren’t connecting. Which is such a shame. When I saw Daniel’s smiling face in photo after photo, having fun and connecting with his friends, I knew the hard work was well worth it.

Because good things happen when people connect.

I’m a workplace strategist and obsessive dot-connector who writes, speaks, and consults on the relationship between tech and connect for companies and communities. My company, the Spaghetti Project, is a platform devoted to sharing the science and stories of relationships at...