The Least Sexy Things People Have Heard In Bed

It’s so easy for dirty talk to go badly. A lot of people are nervous about it or don’t know how to talk dirty at all, and then they give it a go and it’s just sort of… not sexy — really not sexy. Don’t worry, there is nothing to feel bad about if you think you said something stupid— seriously. It’s hard to talk during sex, and sometimes you end up saying something that makes absolutely no sense, telling someone you love them when you definitely do not, or the wrong person’s name — a lot of us been there.

And you know what? We all cut people a lot of slack for what they say in bed. Because we know they’re caught up in the heat of the moment and that between blood pumping, heart racing, and a whole lot of physical distractions, our brains aren’t firing on all cylinders. All you have to do is laugh about it. There’s nothing else you can do. A lot can go wrong in sex, and there’s no need to take yourself tooseriously.

Still feel embarrassed? Look at some of these things that have come out during sex, you’ll feel better. Here are the least sexy things real people have heard during sex, because nope, no one wants to hear that their partner has to wash their hands.

1. Amanda, 35

“In college I was having sex with a guy who kept saying, ‘I’m a rock, I’m a stone, that’s how hard I am,’ over and over. Then he asked me to tell him he was a rock, which I did, because I was 19 and dumb.”

2. Susan, 28

“When he was going down on me he kept saying ‘I just want make you feel good.’ over and over again in a strong European accent. I know he meant it to be sexy, but I couldn’t stop laughing.”

3. Will, 27

“One girl kept swearing but in a not sexy way. I like swearing during sex, but she kept calling me a dickhead. ‘YOU DICKHEAD DICKHEAD DICKHEAD’ wasn’t the sexy swearing I was hoping for.”

4. Rebecca, 24

“‘I have to wash my hands.'”

5. Jenni, 28

“‘F*ck you!’ I stopped for a sec and was like wtf did I do?”

6. Sam, 27

“I was saying her name over and over, in what I thought were the throws of passion, until she was like ‘What do you want!?’, I guess both of us were not very sexy.”

7. Lisa, 25

“‘I’m going to suck up all the air in this room so you can’t even breathe.’ … OK, Christian Grey. I guess on my end it would just be laughing. I laugh at everything, but people tend to think I’m laughing AT them, when really I’m just a chronic laugher.””

8. Kathryn, 27

“I had been going out with a guy who was two years younger than me — something I thought was pretty much a non-issue — when he told me DURING sex ‘I really like your age.’ You like my age? That’s the best thing you could come up with after seeing me naked?””

9. Carol, 24

“‘Did you know Shari Lewis was a rabbi’s daughter?’ Not only un-sexy but also inaccurate.”

10. Zoe, 28

“‘You have to be patient, it’ll be like Christmas’ *10 minutes later* ‘Do you want to open your present?'”

11. Emma, 29

“I’ve been lucky but someone said to my friend ‘I’m going to f*ck you so deep your ovaries bleed.’ He didn’t meant it as a threat, he legit thought it was an OK thing to say in sex.”

12. Karen, 28

“My ex was crazy — in both a good way and bad way. He once mentioned my brother’s name while we were having sex as he told me that he wanted my brother to watch. It was just a weird turn-on fantasy (obviously porn inspired —can’t imagine where else he got this from) but it definitely was the least sexiest thing I ever heard in bed. I mean, he was inside of me, come on.”

13. Taylor, 22

“‘God yeah, I made you cum.’ (When they in fact did not).”

14. Michelle, 28

“I was hooking up with this guy from Italy who kept saying ‘dog sex!’ I knew, he meant doggy style, but hearing ‘dog sex’ over and over really freaked me out.”