Outer, SP - (Feb 18) -
The same jury that won the Nobel Peace Prize for
literature for discovering the Big Bong Theory has just,
apparently, made an exciting new discovery.

"If you get totally shit-faced on wine or acid
everyday," the jury foreman told a gaggling crowd of
reporters, "And totally ignore everything, and
forget about everything else -- then, according to our
new discovery, you'll live forever and never get sick or
do anything stupid."

According to the spokesforeman, this conclusion was
reached following an intensive 10-year study of 35,000
people world-wide who have, in fact, carefully followed
this regimen and, in fact, lived forever, and never been
sick or done anything stupid.

Unfortunately, according to the study, "forever" is
only, like, 10 years -- and so anybody who thinks
they're older than 9 years old, and that there was a
whole history of the world before they even existed, is
just totally wrong and up their asses and have obviously
been living a total fucking lie, and just might as well
stop right here, destroy the universe, and start over.

Centrist Baby-Killers Confess to Mass Murders

A group of wacko centrist baby-killers confessed, today,
to conspiracy to promulgate the big wacko centrist lie
that everything is NOT utterly fucking stupid, and that
every utterance is NOT an utter fucking lie.
Intentional or not.

"I hereby confess," said wacko centrist baby-killer #1,
to a packed hall of reporters, "To conspiring to
promulgate the wacko centrist lie that everything is NOT
an utter fucking load of shit."

He then went on to name all the people who, by dint of
having any power whatsoever, real or imagined, are
front-line co-conspirators in the big wacko-centrist
baby-killer lie that everything is NOT an utter fucking
bogus load of shit, if you know what I mean.

Earth's Galaxy in Head-On Collision

According to astronomers, of all people, the so-called
Sagittarius dwarf spheroid galaxy is just about to smash
head-on, into our own tragic galaxy, the Milky Way or
Peter Paul Almond Joy Galaxy.

"Sagittarius is about to smash the fuck into our own
tragic galaxy," said Professor Kamet Babo, an astronomer
at the Institute for the Study of Bee-Snake Fights, in
Helmet-Dentyne Switzerland.

"Ultimately, when there is a massive cosmic collision
like this," the Professor told a crowd of rabid
reporters, "The whole population of a tiny speck like
the world will most likely be compressed into a single
tiny, emotionally potent symbol which will proceed to
wander the new galaxy and other galaxies forever,
looking for an angry receptor site in some dark-matter
space, where maybe it can lock in and let life become
flavor-of-the-month again."

Apparently, according to the Professor, when the
galaxies collide and life is abruptly compressed into an
icon like this, there will still be several billion
souls leftover, waiting for re-incarnation, but with no
place to go.

"If these reincarnates are not serviced," the Professor
warned, "They may fuck up the very fabric of the
universe, which may just, in turn, keep it for all time,
from ever being admitted into, you know, the Rock 'n
Roll Hall of Fame."