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So, I have to say that there are few things left in this online dating world that have the power to disturb me. What you are about to witness has left me extremely disturbed and alarmed. I was just casually checking through my OkCupid inbox messages and stumbled across a general, normal sounding message. The guy looked sort of like the French thief from the Ocean’s 12 movie.

So, curious, I clicked on the profile and dear lord in heaven. What I unearthed is not for those faint of heart because this guy has some serious problems. So, this post will be devoted entirely to a breakdown of the French Thief and his profile—what he felt would be his best foot forward.

The message was innocuous:

“In addition to the other amazing things on your profile …. You still throw up the peace sign in pics :)”

Yes, if you are wondering, I am a big fan of the peace sign lol … and I found this message cute without being overly pushy or sexual right off the bat. Well. First impressions can be majorly misleading as you are about to discover….

His profile starts out with his Self Summary: (please keep in mind this is his chance to describe what he is looking for and provide a good description of himself to others):

“IF YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUDGE ME ON MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES, THEN GET TO KNOW ME AS A PERSON, KEEP SEARCHING.”

Right off the bat … a strong start. I have a feeling that if someone were to judge him based on his sexual preferences they would never GET to the get to know him as a person stage. Just a suspicion.

“I do NOT have time for that. I come off sexually STRONG AS F*** in the beginning. Its a test. Don’t like it, don’t bother taking to me. I wrote this profile mostly sexually based to get it all out on the table. Show me some curiosity, and ask about what I’m not saying…”

Now, I’m not saying that he’s a liar, but if the rest of his profile is to be believed, he is sexual to a freaky degree and I’m pretty sure it’s not a test. I’m pretty sure this is his normal. Also, usually people talk about what’s important to them, but sure, I like his idea of directing people to pluck topics out of the air that are important regarding him … you know the things he’s NOT saying that are apparently super important and are not part of the test.

“That being said…

Please read my entire profile before you judge me. The ENTIRE thing. Don’t judge me based on my sexual experience. If you honestly think that’s all I care about, move on. I’m not the one for you. I’m affectionate, loving, and sexual. Maybe not everything is perfect in my life, but… If you just gave it a shot, and I mean a real shot, maybe I just could surprise you.”
Well French Thief, your sexual preferences have been ALL that you’ve mentioned so far so besides the things you aren’t saying of which we have no idea what those might be …. What else is there to judge? Trust me, this section intimates that there is a deeper revelation beyond freaky sex addition …. Just keep reading.

“Well, to be frank, im [French Thief]. And to be honest, i currently play with 800-1200 pound rolls of plastic for fun at work. Usually found on my phone playing clash of clans, or hanging out with friends. Im trying really uber hard to figure out what i wanna do with my life, so in the meantime, i thought id play with plastic 😀 seemed legit. If you have any questions, just ask me. Im a pretty fun guy you can ask around :p currently wondering why in hell you bother with the site if you.arent gunna talk to high ranking matches. If youre a 91% match with someone…, give them.a shout. It could be your soul mate there infront of.you
One more thing. If you can pick up stuff with your toes–thats an advanced plus :p “

So this is actually the beginning of the profile. I assume that first part was just set up to the profile and part of the test. Right. So, the plastic job sounds great. Note, this might be an actually interesting job, but you’ve got to love his setup and description. He is meticulous to the t. Then, I really love how in the second half, he goes into the semi-standard rant against all those prior (and most likely future after reading his profile) matches who don’t respond to his messages. Way to stick it to them. Also, the advanced plus? First evidence and Exhibit A of his foot fetish. Way to sneak that in there French Thief. It definitely came across as cute and not creepy.

“Slight profile update….. I do have a high sex drive. Something that happens. I dont like blow jobs and have a preference for feet. I know its weird, but, everyone has their thing. Im a genuinely nice guy who has been ripped to shreads in past relationships. Ive been called every name in the book by past ex’s, and sometimes i may have deserved it. I wont ask to pee on you, but if you like to wear heels, that usually gets my attention quickly. Im very romance focused. Love is something i yearn for but usually get f****d. That being said, it takes two hands to hold, but only one to be lonely— take that how you want. My downfall is red hair and green eyes. Not that type of girl usually takes an interest, but lately ive gotten lucky thanks to okc. Im desperately shy, unless i see you and “it” clicks. Once again, take that how you want. Im willing to go out of my way to make you happy, give killer back massages, and, since i have a foot fetish, killer foot rubs go with the territory.”

Okay. So, feet over blow jobs. I’m going to make that Foot Fetish Evidence Exhibit B. I’m also a big fan of revealing vulnerability over past soured relationships. I appreciate your honesty French Thief, in confessing that, when your ex’s have called you “every name in the book” and “ripped you to shreads,” that you have indeed deserved it.

The pee comment brings relief, only to be dashed by Foot Fetish evidence Exhibit C: high heels can always get his attention. Also just the fact that he’s comparing high heels to pee fetishes. That also.

I definitely came to the conclusion that he was romance-focused. Who wouldn’t after the overwhelming evidence so far??

I do in fact have red hair and hazel eyes so the reason for his message to me becomes clear. Also, I was DEFINITELY getting the shy vibe from this profile.

Foot Fetish evidence Exhibt D: “ i have a foot fetish”

Am I the only one who thinks he instigates back massages so they lead to foot massages?

“Another slight profile update. I love sex. Im good at it and its a self esteem booster for me. That being said, i wont f*** every girl that happens by. Jesus. Im not a total man whore. But if we sexually click, im happy. If the sex sucks, i probably wont call you again, but redos are okay.”
I want to take a moment and say I love his “profile updates.” I feel like the amendments really round out this summary section.

Pretty sure if the sex sucks no one would be wanting another call, but, duly noted. That being said, if the sex sucks the girl wouldn’t be able to blame him because he is amazing at sex … it would have to be her fault. Obviously.

Also, again, I’m really feeling the shy vibe. Being shy is CLEARY what has been holding this guy back from finding the girl of his dreams.

“Also known as a “sir”, or a “daddy”, if you have read 50 shades of grey, you understand what this entails.“

Having actually read 50 Shades of Grey, I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t. “Daddy” was only used when the main character was talking to her father (who she was not having sex with).

So I’m thinking now maybe these shoes might be more on French Thief’s level …

That’s okay French Thief, I don’t mind the P.S.’s because each one adds such a delightful new flavor to this character summary.

This flavor is similar in taste to the rant about matches not responding, being instead a rant about those who don’t respond well to his messages. I have a feeling though that they might think “Hi” from you indicates a hookup based upon your confessions of, and paragraphs detailing your, sex addiction. The “Hi” might not have been the culprit after all. We have to examine all of the angles…

“One more side note…. This one’s the single most important thing in my profile you will ever read… When I love, and I mean, really love, I love hard…. I love deeply. You will feel it in not only my touch, but you will feel it in my words. You won’t hear them, you will feel them. It will be instant, “it” Will click, and when it does, my entire being with suddenly become mesmerized by you. No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed, and I’ve loved the way I’ve explained. The way I LOVE…. Is mind blowing. Your heart, soul, spirit and body will feel it when I say “I love you”.”

“……. It’s only happened once. But my god, it was the single most amazing thing I’ve ever known. And if I ever get that lucky to love like that again, nothing else in the world could possible ever matter to me. Because when I loved like that, she was the only girl that ever made me smile. And I mean really… Actually… Smile. To be honest, that’s what I’m REALLY looking for right now. and if you aren’t looking for that kind of love, please, don’t message me.”

Okay so, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that when he mentions you won’t hear the love in his words you will feel them that, this is going to be one of those you’re going to have to read between the lines of what I’m NOT saying moments.

Let’s take a closer look at this statement. “No, I’m not talking about being obsessed. I’ve been obsessed…” and let that sit with you for a moment.

Also, what happened to the girl who made him smile? Was it Lindsey Lohan’s twin? Does he still have her feet preserved and pickled somewhere? Do we know who killed her?

Sadly that was the end of his self summary. A wonderful summation of himself I’m not afraid to decree. But there is this delightful bonus!

So, as promised … the Pre-dating (also known as Speed Dating) story. As promised, I did indeed drag my roommate to go speed dating with me a couple of weeks ago. It was in an upscale country bar (apparently these exist) and we each got six minutes with our 10 speed daters. To categorize it as a whole seems so unfair, so I decided this blog would be a breakdown of each speed dater 1-10. I tried to order them from most normal to the strangest and somewhat disturbing. Because I wisely checked yes to all of the names, I got to see who all said yes and who all said no. Basically it reminded me of the go-sees from America’s Next Top Model. So I’ll be listing my callback results as well!

1.) Florida Keys Hurricane Guy

I actually liked Florida Keys the most of any of my fellow speed daters. He was about my height, blonde and cute looking. He had just moved to my city from the Florida Keys and in the six minutes we chatted, he told me some really funny stories of what happens in the Florida Keys during hurricane season … but alas, he was actually the first person I talked to and it was hard to break the ice the first time …

Callback? No.

2.) Moving to Chicago Guy

Chicago guy was just weird. He spent a majority of our six minutes explaining his excitement for his pending move to Chicago. He was average height and dark hair. Nice looking, but yeah, I don’t think that looking for a girlfriend right before a move across the country is how I would tackle things … very strange.

Callback? Yes*

*However I’m still perplexed as to how that would work. Perhaps he has a long distance fetish??

3.) Cameroon Part 1

This guy was from Cameroon Africa. That’s totally cool. However, judging me for not having visited Africa? Not cool! Yeah I want to see all 50 states first and then start working on Europe. I’m not saying there’s anything against vacationing in Africa, it’s just not the next vacation on my list … I’m planning to get to everything EVENTUALLY lol He also asked if I was a good cook. I explained I was a great assembler, and yet he did not seem impressed. Very short.

Callback? Yes.

4.) The Guy Who Was a Writer

This guy was from India, but had been in the U.S. for a while. He was pretty old, hitting the 34 age gap I’d guess … but a nice person. The attraction wasn’t there and I have to admit, when he found out that I write he went on a three minute long explanation of his plans to be a writer. I tried to be supportive, but the conversation was pretty lackluster.

Callback? Yes.

5.) The Guy Who Couldn’t Speak English

This guy was fun. As soon as he sat down, I realized he really couldn’t speak English. Like not much at all. So after asking what I did (write textbooks) he continued to think I worked in textiles and was a seamstress. Eventually I let him think this. It was easier. It’s very possible he was a lovely person, or that he was saying some crazy messed up stuff like Christian Bale in American Psycho. I’ll never know because I had no idea what he was saying….

Callback? No.

6.) Cameroon Part 2

If you thought Cameroon Part 1 guy was fun, he had nothing on his friend, Cameroon Part 2. Part 2 was less attractive, but taller and man, did he like to have fun. Immediately, he launched into his stories of how much fun he’d had since being in the U.S. (he was apparently French/African and split his time between the two countries—again I’m not sure of the feasibility of any relationship here) This guy’s favorite place in the world? Las Vegas. And he was eager to share that his love of Vegas stemmed from the fact that when he went there he could just “drink and gamble, drink and gamble, drink and gamble all day long.”

Who doesn’t want to sign on to a long time commitment with this guy??

Callback? Yes.

7.) The Guy Who Loved Grandma Pizza

Pizza guy was strange in that he was trying to be funny but he let some of the creepy stuff through along with his humor. He was nerdy looking and had an untidy appearance, dark hair. And apparently he really loved pizza when grandmas were making it. You may ask, his grandma? No, apparently he has found a place in the city where a grandma makes the pizza and he can watch from his booth. I have lived here for two years and I have no idea where he’s referring to. That being said, I was mildly disturbed by this omission and as a parting gift told him of a great pizza place to try. Sadly no grandmas are involved in the making of those pizzas …

Callback? Yes.

8.) The Guy Who Knew Everyone

This guy was great and had been around. A lot. Like, he apparently had graduated from three different colleges and had four different hometowns if all of his discussions could be believed. He had a great pickup line. “Hey, I swear I know you from somewhere!” He was as good as the fortune tellers who predict you’ve had a great tragedy and when you mention the death of your dog, voilà! They knew it! The only sad part was that he was extremely loud and his revelations of coincidences could be heard throughout the bar. Because unless he was a member of the Cullen vampire family adding to their graduation hat collage, there’s no way he had that many childhoods, high schools, and colleges.

Callback? No.

9.) The Guy Who Didn’t Want to Be There

This guy was great. He was pushing 32 and had a receding hairline, but otherwise looked young. The only problem? He really didn’t want to be there. He continually sat in broken silence answering with a “right,” or a “yep.” That really helped the conversation flow along about as well as a dripping sink. I had better conversation with the guy who couldn’t speak English.

Callback? No.

10.) The Guy Who Hated Women

This guy, he was definitely my favorite. I would say if I had to wager a guess that he had lied about his age because no way was he under the 34 age limit. I would say mid-40s for sure. That being said, he was a sexy older guy. Blonde hair, an arm tattoo to make him seem a little dangerous, and sinfully wealthy. From the Rolex and designer clothes, to the arrogance, it was obvious, this guy had serious money.

As soon as he sat down, he got off on the right foot. “So,” he started cockily, “here’s where you’re going to spend six minutes telling me about yourself and then I’ll tell you what I think about what you’ve said.”

Out of the gate, how does it get better than that? Beautiful.

And maybe because I was so in awe of this opener, he proceeded to spend the next five minutes talking about himself. Now, I’m not going to lie, I was a little attracted to Woman Hater. He had a little bit of the Christian Grey Hot Older Guy with a Lot of Money appeal about him. He owned a custom home building company. And apparently he’d really been traumatized by his female clients.

“So basically,” he continued into minute four, “the couple shows up and the guy doesn’t get a say because the woman has 800,000 Pinterest pins. Because all women spend every second of their day pinning dream things for their dream homes on Pinterest. And then they try to give the guy a shoebox for his stuff and want a closet the size of a small house for themselves.”

Lovely.

When he finally got around to asking me a question about myself, I started off by saying, “Well I don’t have a Pinterest.” Then I tried to ask him if he’d lived anywhere else than here. “Oh,” his arrogance reared its head, “So, I’m sorry, but you think you can ask the questions now?” I laughed (and trust me it was a purposeful laugh) “Yeah, I do,” I responded, but sadly our six minutes were up. I feel like we had such chemistry going.

Callback? A shocking no.

Overall the experience was a little awkward, but mostly just interesting. If I took anything away from this? It’s that my many meetups with online strangers has really helped me be able to talk to a complete stranger with ease. All in all, I’ll take a 50% callback rating and classify the speed dating venture as a success.

Have you ever had a date where at the end, you walk away feeling like you’re hungover, saying, “What the heck happened?” Yeah … that’s sort of what happened on my date Monday night with the Banker …

Before I get into this date, I did want to say that I did indeed go speed dating and I will post about that this week!

So. The Banker.

Basically, the Banker had asked me to meet him at a restaurant in a well-known area at 6:30. I could do that, I told him, but I would be coming straight from work so I might be a bit late. He was okay with this and when walking into the restaurant, I texted him to let him know. He told me he was over at that bar with a Guinness. “You can’t miss me,” he texted. Well, I spotted him and thankfully, he was indeed as his pictures had revealed. At least 6’3”, maybe 6’4,” he was pretty cute. He had sandy brown hair, broad shoulders, good body, not too big and definitely not too little. He had this boyish look to him. The best way I can think to describe it is, think of Shaggy from Scooby Doo, at age 24 with no facial hair and cute and modern. So was the Banker.

Immediately I felt comfortable with him and he launched straightaway into a story. I was slightly charmed. However, the first awkward moment of the night was when the bartender came to get my order. I just asked for a glass of water with lemon because I’m on pain medicine for a back injury. He was shocked at this and said, “Surely you’ll get something?”

Apparently, and this was a BIG mix-up on my part, I had misunderstood. When he had asked me to meet him at the restaurant, he had apparently meant just to drink. So …. I explained I really couldn’t have that much alcohol but to salvage the situation, I ordered a glass of wine to sip.

The other bad news was I had skipped lunch to save calories for dinner and I was not mixing drugs and alcohol on an empty stomach … and I had a 30 minute drive home. So I tried to be cautious, but still enjoy the date. I barely sipped.

I enjoyed the Banker’s stories, but it started to feel like he wasn’t working to seek out our chemistry as much as he wanted to talk. And I like talkers. But after a while it started to feel like he was talking AT me instead of WITH me. He did ask me a few questions about myself … but I did start to feel like for the most part I was on the receiving end. The chemistry component wasn’t necessarily lacking … just … neglected. I didn’t really get the feeling that he was as much concerned about flirting with me as he just wanted to talk to somebody.

His family sounded amazing and with three sisters, the youngest two are blonde twins who could basically be Jessica and Elizabeth from Sweet Valley Twins, and his parents sound sweet. He grew up in a town like mine, with friends like mine, is Catholic like me, he had a similar way of storytelling and just seemed nice. So I stared at him and really tried to figure out, could I marry this person, could I date this person, would it be good to make out with this person? Because trust me, I had A LOT of time to think about this. And I kind of came to the conclusion that he was what I had been asking for. He was certainly ticking a lot of the boxes …

Then a man came over and asked us if we would like to participate in the trivia night about to start up. The Banker immediately said no and asked if I would like to go somewhere else to get away from the soon to be noisy restaurant. I agreed, wondering without much hope if we would be getting dinner.

We went to another restaurant and when the bartender asked if we needed dinner menus, the Banker assured her we wouldn’t be having dinner. Great. I order another glass of wine having not even sipped a third of my first one at the other restaurant.

It’s not really the fact that we didn’t get dinner (although I was starting to feel a bit sick from the alcohol medicine mix and empty stomach) but he didn’t ask, didn’t check with me. It was like with the guy asking about trivia. He just went ahead and made all those decisions without consulting me. Which made me feel … off put slightly. He did know I was coming straight from work and while he couldn’t know I skipped lunch, he did have to realize it was 9:00 p.m. …

That being said, I could easily have piped up and said I was hungry and paid for it myself … but sadly I just didn’t feel like wondering the night if he would judge me and make me feel fat. So as much as some people might disagree, I just tried to move with it and get through it.

At this new restaurant, more of the same talking difficulties … with me getting a few words in here and there. He did at some points seem to remember he was on a date, but it was such a weird experience. It was almost like I could have been his grandmother. …

Along the way he made two references that made me stop for a minute like, wait, what??

1.) When mentioning his apartment, he said, “It’s hard to describe, but you’ll be seeing it soon anyway.”

Really?? I found this strange. Yeah he never asked me back to his apartment … but still …

2.) When talking about his friends he said, “Well, but when you talk to them you’ll understand.”

Right. Again with the assumptions … it sounded like in a casual way he was already incorporating me into his life and this was odd considering the lack of flirtation or perceived interest I was getting from him.

We ended the date with a hug and he mentioned he had a fantastic time and wanted to set something up again. I wasn’t sure I would hear from him again, but 12 minutes later, I got a text from him saying, “Hey Andie, had a wonderful time tonight! Let me know how your week and weekend go, I’d love to see you again! Drive safe!”

Yes, he really takes time to text punctuation lol … He also mentioned the illustrious “love” word.

Still feeling sickly I drove myself to the nearest TGI Fridays where my favorite bartenders work. Seated at the bar I ordered dinner by myself and tried to sort out what I was feeling, what I should do.

I told him that I had just come from a date and briefly explained as best I could how it went and said I was trying to figure out whether or not to go out with him again.

“Well did you have fun?” Alec asked. “I don’t really know. That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” I told him, to which he responded, “If you don’t know then you didn’t have fun.”

I told Alec he was wise beyond his years … but in the end I set up another date with the Banker for next Monday. He specifically mentioned dinner lol so we’ll see.

We texted briefly the morning after but nothing since. So I’m really confused … he seems to adhere to Katy Perry’s boyfriend’s policy and run hot and cold.

He acted during the date like he considered me part of his life (which was mildly concerning) but then doesn’t talk to me for almost two days? So I’ve started to chat with new prospects and will keep tabs on the Banker situation.

One last bit, I called my co-worker right before my date to tell her it indeed did only take me seven minutes to drive there (and she’s not too keen on my meeting people from the internet) and I received this series of text messages from her throughout the duration of my date [I saw them afterward].

6:57 ARE YOU OKAY?

6:57 DO YOU NEED A BACKUP NINJA

6:57 I won’t lie, I’ve had far too much Chinese food to be ninja-like

6:58 But I will drive to your rescue

6:58 And make ninja sounds

6:58 WHY DID YOU CALL ME

6:58 ARE YOU OKAY

7:07 I bet you called to tell me it took you seven minutes to get to the restaurant

7:07 Which would be LIES

7:07 Are you sure you’re not secretly meeting [hot preppy co-worker]?

7:08 God what if you’re in this guys trunk right now

7:08 And I’m being a lazy jerk talking about ninjas and [hot preppy co-worker]?

7:08 I SHOULD BE SAVING YOU

So, stay tuned for when the saga continues …. The Banker, Part II … will it be a startling conclusion? Or a disappointing cliffhanger? I’m really not sure at this point so we’ll all have to wait and see.

We left off on an optimistic note about Airman Andrew … unfortunately he did his disappearing act and flew away into the sunset … without a message back. A week later I did receive a response … but he’d given too much time for me to wait and I’d moved on to bigger and better options … or so I’d thought …

I started talking to two other guys on OkCupid. One is the Banker. The Banker is 6’3”, has three sisters, and loves Cedar point. He’s fairly cute and reminds me slightly of Jim from the office from profile pic appearances. That being said, I saw some warning signs with the Banker (who is actually a software developer for Chase Bank). He does not like scary movies and he goes to sleep at TEN p.m. I am nocturnal by nature and this was concerning to say the least …

The other prospect was one I will refer to as Missouri. He seemed cute from photos with a mop of curly hair, 6’0”, had and a cute smile. He LOVED scary movies … possibly as much as I do and seemed to share in my enthusiasm for travel and life in general. He texted me back promptly and asked me to meet him this week to play pool sometime. Charmed, I agreed.

But like all good things, this illusion came to an end …

The more I found out about Missouri, the less attracted I became. He had moved over a month ago to my state to “chill with his friends.” Then I asked what he did and he replied that he was “thinking about applying to work at the Goodwill when he got around to it.” Then he sent a picture of himself to my phone. It was not a picture of anatomy I didn’t need to see … but it was weird nonetheless. It was simply a headshot of his face and he had captioned it, “Me at some party in Columbus.” I want to say first that I simply don’t understand the need guys have for constantly sending pictures of ANY nature to someone they’ve never met. I get that they want pictures back but wouldn’t it be so much easier to simply meet early on so no one’s wasting their time? These pictures weird me out. The other bad news was that Missouri had apparently gotten a new haircut to go with his new address. And it was not cute. Gone was the lovable curly mop of hair and replacing it was a military short cut with highwater bangs. Please believe me when I say: It was not cute.

The more I talked with him, the more it became clear. Missouri was a bum.

This past weekend I took my cousin out for drinks for my birthday to a sports bar. While there in response to his constant requests, we took a picture together and sent it to his phone. In response he sent back a photo of him with his friends saying simply. “I’m in the back!”

That could be taken to mean in the back of the picture, but I recognized the signs behind them. Hewasin the sports bar. Now, had he been the cute, adventurous, non-creepy person I started talking to, I would have been excited to learn this. Considering the fact that I had pretty much decided to stop talking to him, it felt a little more like the scene from When a Stranger Calls: “We traced the call, it’s coming from inside the house! Get out of the house!”

In panic I started scanning the crowd and I located his vibrant green hoodie towards the back of the bar. And he was five foot tall to be generous.

I’m not a person to judge shorter guys. I’m just not attracted to them, with myself being 5’9.” That being said, I do have a problem with someone saying they are 6’0” and being a foot shorter. With his hoodie, new haircut, and odd posture, he looked just like a hobbit. A hobbit bum.

He texted me again saying it sounded like I was having so much fun he and his friends had decided to come out and join us. Suddenly just like the police officer’s warning in the movie, all I could think was “It’s coming from inside of the house!”

Filing my cousin in (who though thanks to her Patron shots thought that this was hilarious), I grabbed her and made a beeline for the bathroom. When we emerged, there was no sign of him. Now, was this a cowardly thing to do? OF COURSE it was. I’m not a hero … I’m a survivor. And I did not want to face the discordant music that talking to Missouri face to face would have brought.

Afterwards I stopped texting him. I usually pride myself on being able to tell a person and just bring closure to the situation, but I was feeling might passive aggressive this weekend. That being said, this did not stop Missouri from sending me SEVENTEEN messages on Easter Sunday, four messages on Monday and a grand total of three messages on Tuesday and Wednesday. He was literally having a conversation with himself. I never messaged him back. He would ask about my day, then tell me what he planned to do with his, then tell me how those plans turned out … so very, very concerning … like an insane person carrying on a conversation with themselves.

No messages today thank the heavens. Was my silent disappearing act that I so loathe honorable? No, it was not. That being said, I unstuck Missouri, a potentially sticky character from my side. So I’m gonna say that was a close one. Everything about him creeped me out eventually …

The Banker on the other hand has gotten better with time. He is fun to talk to, cheerful, and attentive. He seems normal … which is the unicorn these days … and we have a date set up for this coming Monday … fingers crossed! He seems so decent! J I’m hoping for a happy change with this one …

And of course, I have a couple of selected OkCupid messages to share ….

I’m going to assume this was supposed to intrigue me and make me feel compelled to message him. Nice try dude, but nope I’m good.

Second place goes to the generic Sugar Daddy (that, let’s face it, rears his head from time to time): “Hey there. Great profile and pics. You are incredibly gorgeous! Interested in a sugar daddy? I would love to show you an amazing time. I promise you it will be well worth it.”

Yeah … considering that the phrase “sugar daddy” is how you identify yourself …. Probably not …

And first place this week goes to not a message, although it was a certainly heartfelt and creative “Heyyy bby” (yeah … I think the missing “a” is intentional, see further patterns), it is the Eminem Wannabe’s profile that deserves the win.

“My self-summary: [His snapchat, sound cloud, and home phone number]

What I’m doing with my life: Makin music

I’m really good at: Makin people feel goooo

The First things people usually notice about me: My tats

You should message me if: You wanna chill”

I also feel the need to share his income bracket stated as “50,000 to 60,000.”

As chill and as goooo as he might be able to make people feel making music … I’m just not sure he’s raking it in without at least a few unscrupulous side jobs at the docks …. So unfortunately I had to pass on that self-promoter.

Tonight’s the night! Speed dating tonight at 6:20 so less than five hours away! Hopefully I’ll be able to pull something together to share in this bucket list experience … and indeed survive it well J

Have you ever watched a horror movie and said: “Wow, yeah I would never do that because I would know it would end up like Chainsaw Massacre.” I have, and yet, I found myself in an oddly similar situation this weekend. My roommate also has a POF account and she made some horror movie bad life decisions that got me sucked in. Yes, I know you’re reading this roommate. You know what you did. Clearly, spoiler alert, we both lived. But still, it’s too funny to not recount.

For my first full day off in a long time, I decided to go hiking. There is one trail I love hiking that’s about 20 minutes away from my apartment and really takes the city away and infused nature. It’s rejuvenating. My roommate had never been but wanted to come as well. Of course I wondered why her hair was down and she was applying bronzer for a hike. Needless to say she had invited a guy she’d been talking to on POF to go on said remote, secluded, hour and a half before dark hike with us. I discover this deception moments before it’s time to go. And against my better judgment, we head off.

I tried to reason with my roommate why this was a bad idea. Never meet a stranger (that could easily be on the hunt for human organs) to a secluded place alone. She pointed out I was along so it would be perfect. At the worst, I’m an extra body for him to hunt down and kill to eliminate any witnesses. At the best I’m an annoying third wheel chaperone. I couldn’t wait.

On the way there I think my roommate began to get nervous. Reasonably so. This area a mere 20 minutes away is a little remote, a little like these people are not going to be getting out of their houses to come help people in need. We passed people pulling a big black bag in the back of an SUV on the side of the road. My roommate wanted to know what they had in the bag. I said it’s best not to ask questions. Shortly after that, a man walked across the road with a chainsaw. We literally passed a man with a chainsaw. I felt at that point maybe we deserved to be murdered for ignoring all of the signs.

Thankfully we were not murdered. Arriving, her date, a 21-year-old we’ll call the Graduate in honor of my roommate (age 24)’s young taste in this case. The Graduate was not necessarily bad in any way. My roommate did most of the talking. He did laugh, seemed normal, and didn’t attempt to kill us. I really couldn’t have asked for more in the circumstances. She has seen him since and is infatuated. I’m not convinced about the Graduate quite yet of course, but this story could have been much worse. For the most part I like to play it safe and keep all of my organs.

I’ve started talking to a new guy, Airman Andrew. He is a ginger (a cute ginger mind you) and has a picture of him flying a plane. He’s a security guard at a hospital so while not a pilot, there’s still the hot uniform aspect. He seems normal so I’m waiting for the crazy. Until then, I’m having fun talking to him. Maybe I’ll have another date lined up before the speed dating challenge (which I am suddenly not so excited about—maybe it’s the prospect of really creepy older guys …)

OkCupid Highlights

We’ve got some real winners in terms of creativity, motivation, and pure ingenuity.

In third place is Richard Simmons doppelgänger:

Richard says: “Could you do me a favor and help restart my heart. because is stopped after I saw you are you for or against cuddling? if you are for it would you want to cuddle with me right now?”

Who wouldn’t have something against that? I’m most certainly against cuddling.

Second place goes to the nice older gentleman who almost convinced me to actually go on a date with him because he did make me laugh regardless of the 20+ age gap.

Nice Older Gentleman says: “I said “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there” with a beautiful girl to match up with me and “boom” you’re profile came up.”

Touché Nice Older Gentleman. Touché.

First place however will have to go to the 22-year-old opportunist.

Young Opportunist just goes for it and while he’s there, he figures, might as well try to kill two birds with one stone: “Hey there, you are really attractive and I would love to get to know you! If nothing else I have an incredible business opportunity I’d like to share if you have a few minutes!”

Yes Young Opportunist, I’m thinking you were smart to throw that in there. I am indeed not feeling the chemistry, but would be interested in this exciting business opportunity. It’s unfortunate he had deleted his account within an hour. Otherwise I might have been making so much money I would never have to work again.

Last but not least, I took my mother (who I adore completely and is my best friend) and her boyfriend (who I tolerate because of the mother I adore) to see Cinderella in theaters. Prince Charming was hot as all get out and I really had to try to not be won over by another man on screen. It’s just not healthy for me to keep comparing the OkCupid population to them. However, the highlight of the night came not from the movie, but from directly afterward while my mother was in the bathroom. Her boyfriend helpfully put in: “You shouldn’t be so worried you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. One day you too will be a fair maiden and find your prince charming.”

Then he followed it up by adding that when I do go on a date with a guy, I should drug him and keep him chained in a closet. He found that hilarious and to cheer me up, he repeated this joke several more times throughout the evening.

Needless to say, I was certainly cheered up by the end of the evening. A solid lesson in love for a Tuesday.

Many, many new stories for this week. First and foremost, I have decided to go speed dating in a couple of weeks so that’s something for me to count down to. I can only assume it will be horrifyingly entertaining ….

Now, on to the recap of last week. On Thursday, my roommate and I hit a college bar, Pretty Fish. Her amusing friend … Little Finger (forgive my post-game of thrones reference, but it fits so well!), a rather short student at the college (but he’s 24 like us) is a friend of hers and met us there. When random guys would walk past us at the bar he would stop them and do a bro handshake, saying, “Hey, what’s up man? Have you met (my roommate)? She’s a really nice lady!” This went on for a while and he actually did call attention to a guy and his friend halfway through the night with his antics. This guy looked pretty much like Edward Norton Jr. (Fight club version) and his friend was rather cartoonish looking. A bit shorter than me, with sandy brown hair slicked back WAY too much. Also, I’ve never understood the phrase a mouth full of teeth until I met him.

While Edward Norton Jr. was cute, he wasn’t terrific … he was just better than his friend. So when he sidled up to my roommate, I knew with dread who would fill the empty chair by my side. Sure enough, his friend got comfortable.

Now, I did try to talk with this friend, who informed me he was a men’s inspirational motivational speaker. Motivational speaker also had an avid interest in ballroom dancing and wanted to show me some moves. I politely declined. He then explained his job which involved one-on-one motivational training. Apparently he takes guys out to social areas like malls and helps them interact with women. He then asked me if I was always so reserved sexually.

I wasn’t sure if that was a demonstration of his self-assurance or if he was weird. After several more questions of a similar nature I determined that was all him. Meanwhile on the dance floor, Edward Norton Jr. and my roommate were dancing. Actually they were bouncing up and down. Little Finger remarked that it appeared to be all Edward Norton Jr. knew how to do. Apparently it was sufficient. But eventually the bounce dancing ended and Motivation Speaker seemed to recognize my disinterest and called a girl to come drink with him. More power to you Motivational Speaker. More power to you.

While my roommate chatted with Little Finger, Edward Norton commented on how much he loved my hair because it “was both thick and pretty and normally you don’t have both.” Then he asked me what shampoo I used—Herbal Essences. He seemed particularly pleased with the brand. I was fifty-fifty at this point that Edward Norton Jr. might be high. When he later offered us an eight-ball of coke, I was pretty sure.

Motivational Speaker left a while after with his girl who was a friend. Little Finger asked Edward Norton Jr. if his friend was friendzoned with the girl. Edward Norton Jr. was pretty sure it was a yeah.

The night ended with my roommate, me, Little Finger, and Edward Norton Jr. talking by my car in the street at 2a.m. He asked Little Finger if he would be interested in doing some pornographic filming and that he could get paid $700 for recruiting a person so Little Finger should imagine how much HE could make. It supposedly would only take a total of eight hours for one weekend. Little Finger declined after some consideration. It was 3a.m. before my roommate and I could get away. Later, my roommate grew concerned that Little Finger wasn’t responding to her texts. So I sent him a message:

“Hey so (my roommate’s) very concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have knifed you. I am mildly concerned that Edward Norton Jr. might have sold you into sex slavery for $700 so he could buy another eight-ball of coke. Are you cool?”

To everyone’s relief, Little Finger is alive and well.

Other updates:

I never heard back from Coach Taylor … not that I put a lot of effort into it either to be fair …

I never heard back from Tall Paul. This was a bit more upsetting. But last night I did have a 12 hour nightmare that I was trying to exorcise his possessed being so perhaps things weren’t meant to be there …

So, when last we left off, Coach Taylor had disappeared, Tall Paul was on the missing hikers bulletin, and I was sort of considering picking things up with the Bartender. It’s only fitting to start with the most shocking of all.

TALL PAUL IS ALIVE!

That’s correct folks, Tall Paul is indeed alive and survived his mountain camping excursion. I received a messaged from him on Thursday morning (the first activity on his account since Friday), saying “Well that ended up taking longer than expected.”

Tall Paul, it appears, really was still away in the mountains, and though not eaten by a bear, it appears his extreme date with nature ran over (whether by getting lost or his own decision we may never truly know).

Even more surprising is the fact that he messaged me back. So we will see how things develop with Tall Paul. I just find it amazing the dead-eyed survivor made it back safe and sound … and wasn’t just blowing me off.

It’s the little things … 🙂

Now, on to the next order of business … my unfortunate dealings with Coach Taylor. Just like that wild dog that doesn’t seem to want to stay but keeps showing up for treats from time to time, Coach Taylor has once again returned.

It all started on Thursday when my roommate posted a picture of us getting ready to go out drinking. Within three seconds, she calls out from the bathroom to ask me what Coach Taylor’s name was again …. Because he had liked the photo within three seconds. Therefore, I wasn’t entirely surprised that moments later I receive a text from him for the first time in a week.

Of course NOT being a glutton for punishment, I didn’t text him back. I know instinctively that there’s just something about this wild canine that would not make a good companion.

Seven shots later we were texting. And he was asking me if he had mentioned how pretty I was, to which I responded (I’m afraid with alcoholic cattiness) ‘you did cover that.’ He also mentioned that I was delicious. Notreally sure how he would know that considering we have most certainly never made out …

But in the end, all of this led to last night’s conversation which I am transcribing for you. I’m not sure there’s any other way to convey this….

Him: So can i tell you something without you being offended … I feel like I need to tell you … You were in my dream the other night …

Me: Haha … um … okay?

Him: I had a sex dream … I’m sorry if this offends you

Me: Haha had to get that off your chest and confess? These things happen ..

Him: Yes … lol ok i thought you were gonna get mad …

Me: I have amazing zen

Him: Yeah I agree, can see that for sure!

Me: That being said of course, I might have shown concern if you had said ‘Hey I had a dream about that movie Saw … and you were in it … and I was jigsaw’

Him: Lol I’ve never seen those movies and I don’t want to

Me: I’m saying that would have been more concerning …

Him: Lol yeah … But I saw 50 shades of grey and then dreamed about you instead

Me: I have seen that one …

Him: Well it wasn’t anything crazy like that

Me: ….

I think he was partially wondering if I would think he was a creep or if I would be turned on and because of my neutral response he has seemed confused ever since. I do feel slightly creeped out, and slightly flattered. This is the first time someone has felt the need to confess for having lustful thoughts about me …

So I don’t know what to think about Coach Taylor. Except, just like that wild dog … I don’t think that I could ever really trust him to stay….