Home Alone in Isaan

I had the house to myself a few days ago. Such solitude is quite a rarity in my dwellings so I immediately concluded that a particularly unsavoury assortment of pornographic material should be downloaded in order to assist me with a colossal wank.

But since my internet provider doesn't really provide anything at all, I had to make do with a selection of images featuring sparsely clad Japanese females and a sack of obscene root vegetables; an ensemble which would surely see me part with the lion's share of a litre of semenary fluid - after all, fornicating has become few and far between in my residence and my testicles currently resembled a pair of fucking ostrich eggs.

Just as I was preparing for an unprecedented splashdown, I heard my front door open with an eerie creak, followed by slow but exacting strides which were apparently heading towards the carnal contents of my boudoir.

As the precise footsteps became more audible, they were joined by rasping breaths which immediately shrunk my nuts down to their regular size as I fumbled into my underpants and trousers.

The doorknob began to frantically twitch. Someone was trying to get in.

Although the door was locked, the persistence of the intruder was such that he/she/it wasn't going to be bested by a mere furniture fitting, and the frantic twitching turned into aggressive thumps.

After a prolonged period of banging, during which my knackers imploded, the hasp eventually yielded and an entity of quite repulsive proportions revealed itself at the threshold of my bedroom.

"Please" I stuttered "please don't hit me"

This failed to elicit a response. The hideous quantity simply stood swaying on the spot. Its eyes, which were barely visible slits you'd more commonly associate with a pit viper, were trained on me as if weighing up a pending feast.

"Please" I said again. "I have a wife and children"

Again this appeared to fall on deaf ears. But it was now beginning to approach me, unclad claws dragging along the floor like a particularly offensive member of the undead, absolute purpose etched into its hideous features.

"Please" this time I was begging, "I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder"

Apparently, this didn't wash with the gruesome, fowl being who was now literally inches away from my recently deceased pair of bollocks.

Before I could jump out of the window and run away screaming, it emitted a sound which will haunt me forever. A rattling rasp which immediately filled the room as if a tangible quantity...

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-SIP BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHT"

"Yes! Anything! Take it all! The power of Christ compels you! I demand you leave my presence" I was now talking in tongues.

And with this Por skipped on over to the local shop with a view to purchase 20 baht's worth of his favourite tipple.