The Definitive Ranking of the Ten Commandments

Coming in at number six on the original tablets God gave to Moses, I am ranking this number one. Great commandment- sexy, clear message, simple. Very important not to kill anyone. You can't beat the importance of this commandment. A champion commandment.

Number seven on the tablets, I'm putting it up at number 2. Adultery is bad, it can destroy families and lives- not good for anyone involved. Really solid commandment, really hard hitting commandment, really stable.

Dropping in at the three spot and rounding out what I call the, "power 'ments," is a classic commandment with an important lesson. God put this one eighth, but that's way too low. Theft can be committed by anyone, and I think you have to respect that commonality and put this bad boy where it deserves to be; the three spot.

Settling in at the four is false witness. Community is so important this day in age, so I had to boost it up from God's original tablet placement at the nine spot. You can't take down your neighbors without taking down yourself. This is a great team commandment and that has to be respected, even though it is not as immediate and pressing as the top three power 'ments.

God got it right. Both the Big Guy upstairs and I throw this one at the five. It's a stable, sturdy commandment, even though subject to some complications given today's divorce rate. Regardless, still a really classic commandment to hold down the middle of the ranking.

Sliding in to the six spot, "Thou shalt not covet." Really good, very important. Everyone gets jealous at times and this rock of a commandment can keep you grounded. It doesn't have that dominant urgency of the top 'ments, but God put this one tenth, and I'm sorry, he beefed it. It deserves the six spot.

The lucky number seven spot goes to the sabbath. You work hard, take one for you, that's crucial. This commandment loses steam due to its restrictions; it can be hard for some people to get weekends off. I think God tied this one up a little tight but still a home-run commandment.

The first of the final three 'ments, aka the, "dirt 'ments," at the ocho sits graven image. A commandment that is pretty soft. It's unbelievable God put it at the two on the tablets. I'm not gonna tell you what to worship or what images or idols you're into, that's your job. God dropped the ball here, and he knows it.

Crawling and begging into the ninth slot is a true, "commandment," and that is precisely where it goes wrong. If you're gonna worship God, sure, put him up top, but you know what? Do what you want. This is a super egotistical claim and it is truly maddening God put it first in his commandment ranking. Not me. My ranking is better.

The dreaded last place ten spot is taken up by a crazy demand from the Big Man. God put this at number THREE when he handed the OG commandment ranking to Moses, and it's ludicrous. I am not gonna put words in your mouth or take them out, and I bet God agrees with me. I think this is an ego commandment, and I have no time for it. Truly the most dirt of the dirt 'ments.

Colossal beef. This would be a slam dunk, home-run first place champion commandment and big boy God totally missed it. But hey, he's the one who created existence.