Being a Widow

Astrocytoma

23 July 2011

I was watching 6 Feet Under last night and at the very end, when all of the characters die, they show the dates for Claire Fisher: 1983-2085. I exploded in to tears. Jane was from 1983 and to see how many years she will miss out on, starkly written in black & white, lead to a 40-minute sobbing session...

Some people have wondered how I could watch that show when it is all about death but I have found it quite calming to see death treated with a sense of realism.

However, seeing the dates of the fictional Claire Fisher's life, suggesting she would live to be 102 really upset met. And I mean really upset me. I burst in to tears, wailed, fought with my pillow, bit my lip and nearly chocked on my tears. The idea that Jane could have lived for another 75 years is just incomprehensible, mind blowing and heart wrenching.

After the first few weeks of shock and numbness, the crying started. And as time goes by, Jane's death Causes a new set of emotions. The focus shifts from the actual death & dying to what that actually means in terms of what we now will not share.

It means her PhD research will be lost. I will not get to swell with pride when she becomes Dr. daniel. It means we will not grow old together. It means her hair will never turn grey. It means that when I turn the big scary 40, she will not be there to tell me it's ok. I will not get to laugh at her when she turns 40 herself. There will be no more snow trips. We won't get to buy our first house together and spend days running around Dykea for flatpack furniture. Basically, the rest of our lives is not going to happen now.

It means nobody will ever love me again when I was young.

More and more I find myself saying: I just can not believe it. Am I regressing? I shall get myself in to bereavement counseling.

PS: If you liked 6 Feet Under, you might enjoy the 6 Feet Under convention which is being held in Bournemouth in August this year. Coffin displays and speakers such as embalmers and funeral directors... Seems to me they are a bit late to the party since the show ended in 2005.