Saturday, October 25, 2014

STEALING AFFECTIONS – Story of a “COUGAR” ON THE PROWL – Humor in Uniform

STEALING AFFECTIONS – Story of a “COUGAR” ON THE PROWL

From my Humor in Uniform Archives:

In the Military, “Stealing the Affection of a Brother Officer’s Wife” is strictly taboo.

The term “stealing affection” is the military euphemism for “adultery”.

Stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife is deemed to be conduct unbecoming of an officer and conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline and is considered an offence.

In most cases, in order to avoid a scandal, if an officer is caught having an affair with a fellow officer’s wife, he is politely asked to put in his papers and quit the service.

Now, with the entry of women as officers in the Defence Services, a new possibility has opened up – “Stealing the Affection of a Sister Officer’s Husband”.

If a male officer can steal the affections of a brother officer’s wife – surely there is a possibility that a female officer can steal the affections of a sister officer’s husband – especially in these modern times of gender equality.

Here is a fiction story, a hilarious spoof, about a “cougar” in uniform, a female “fauji” on the prowl, who wants to steal the affections of a sister officer’s husband.

COUGAR IN UNIFORM

A Fictional Spoof

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Disclaimer:

1. Please read this apocryphal story only if you have a sense of humor. This fiction story is a spoof, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.

2. This story is for mature adults only, so if you are a kid, or an overly gender sensitive type, please skip this post.

3. This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

And this female “fauji” (“cougar in uniform”) was always on the prowl searching for prey – yes, she was always on the hunt for cute and handsome young men, in and out of uniform.

One evening, while on an outstation visit, “cougar in uniform” went shopping in the market.

There, in the market, she spotted a good-looking young man.

She was instantly attracted towards him.

Before she could make her move, she saw that there was a young woman accompanying the handsome young man.

“Cougar in uniform” observed the handsome man and the young woman – and from their body language – the way they were talking to each other – it was obvious that they were husband and wife.

“Cougar in Uniform” returned to her room disappointed.

Next morning, the female “fauji” (“cougar in uniform”) put on her uniform, and went to the local Station HQ, ready to hear the sob stories of women officers from all the units in that area, for which she had been sent down from Headquarters.

She was pleasantly surprised to see the first woman officer in uniform – she was the same woman accompanying the handsome young man in the market the previous evening.

“Cougar” looked carefully at the young woman officer standing in front of her – she looked a typical “fauji” type –“good from far, but far from good”.

“Cougar” wondered how such an ordinary-looking woman had managed to get such a good-looking husband.

“So this is the wife of my quarry, and she has walked right into my lair – now I must carefully spring the trap,” Cougar said to herself in her mind.

Cougar looked at the young lady officer, and said, “Yes, what’s your problem?”

“Ma’am – I want my posting cancelled. I want to stay here for some more time,” the young lady army officer said.

“Why?”

“I got married two years ago. Almost immediately, my husband was posted to field area and I had to stay all alone over here. Now, he has managed a posting here, and they are posting me out to a field area.”

“So, your husband is in the army?” Cougar asked the young lady officer.

“Yes Ma’am,” the young lady army officer said.

Cougar was pleased to hear this.

Everything was falling into place.

Cougar knew that it was easier to proposition a man directly, rather than coerce a woman to convince her husband.

Cougar had done this before – she had stolen the affections of many of her so-called “sister” officers’ husbands.

In most cases it was a one night stand – but in this case, the man was so attractive that Cougar was thinking of a long term affair.

“Suppose we post both of you – you and your husband – to Headquarters for three years – a full 3 year tenure?” Cougar said.

The young lady officer could not believe her ears – three years together with her husband in a big city and a comfortable 5 day week 9 to 5 job.

“Is it really possible? I will do anything for it,” the young lady officer said excitedly.

“I will make it possible. But I will need your cooperation,” Cougar said.

“Cooperation – of course, Ma’am – I am willing to do anything,” the young lady army officer said eagerly.

“Cougar in Uniform” looked into the eyes of the young lady officer and said, “You don’t have to do anything – you just send your husband to see me in my room at 7:30 in the evening. I want to talk to him, know more about him, so I can manage things in Headquarters.”

“Of course, Ma’am, we both will come – or why don’t you come for dinner…”

“No,” Cougar interrupted, “You need not come. You send your husband alone – I want to discuss things with him in private.”

The young lady officer was baffled.

Why did this senior lady officer want to meet her husband alone?

And that too in her room?

Could it be…???

“What are you thinking?” Cougar asked the young lady officer.

“Nothing Ma’am...” the young lady officer said.

Cougar said matter-of-factly: “There is no free lunch in this world. It is all give and take. You talk to your husband and decide what you want. Do you want to enjoy three years of blissful married life living together in a big city? Or do you want a hard posting in the field and continue to suffer a long distance marriage for a few more years? The choice is yours.”

After saying these words, Cougar stood up from her chair, indicating that the interview was over.

The young lady officer saluted, and walked towards the door.

As she reached the door, the young lady officer heard Cougar’s voice, “Tell your husband – 7:30 – I will be waiting for him.”

At 7:15 Cougar was ready for action – bathed, perfumed, titivated.

She poured a drink for herself, rum and coke, sipped her drink, lit a cigarette, and waited for her quarry.

At precisely 7:30 there was a knock on the door.

Cougar opened the door in anticipation.

She was expecting to see the cute and gorgeous young man.

Instead, there was a ferocious looking brute standing in front of her – a huge hulk of a man, ugly, hideous.

Cougar had never seen a man so unsightly, so repulsive, so terrible …

“Good evening, Ma’am…” the man started to speak, “may I come in?”

“You get out of here right now…” Cougar shouted, and banged the door shut.

Next morning, Cougar summoned the young lady officer.

“You think you are too damn smart? I asked you to send your husband to me –and you sent that horrible hideous brute to my room?” Cougar shouted at the young lady officer.

“But Ma’am…”

“Shut up – you will regret this – I will make sure you are posted to such a tough place…”

“Ma’am, please listen – I had sent my husband to your room – I promise…”

“Are you trying to tell me that the horrible looking man who came to my room last evening is your husband?”

“Yes, Ma’am…”

“Then who was that handsome young man with you in the market…?”

“In the market…?”

“Yes – on the day before yesterday – in the evening – you were shopping – and there was a smart good-looking young man with you… who is he?” Cougar asked the young lady army officer.

“Oh, that – he is my sahayak,” the young lady officer answered.

“What? Are you trying to tell me that the handsome young man with you in the market was your batman?” Cougar asked the young lady officer.

“Yes, Ma’am – that handsome young man is my sahayak, he is my batman…” the young lady officer said.

“Oh…” Cougar in Uniform said with a contemplative look on her face, as if she were planning her next move...

This story is a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the story are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:

No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

About Me

A creative person with a zest for
life, Vikram Karve is a retired Naval Officer turned full time writer. Educated
at IIT Delhi, IIT (BHU) Varanasi, The Lawrence School Lovedale and Bishops School
Pune, Vikram has published two books:COCKTAILa collection of fiction short stories about relationships
(2011) andAPPETITE FOR A STROLLa
book of Foodie Adventures (2008) and is currently working on his novel, writing short fiction and compiling his memoirs. An avid
blogger, he has written a number of fiction short stories, creative
non-fiction articles on a variety of topics including food, books, travel, philosophy, academics, technology, management, health, pet parenting, teaching stories, self help and art of living essays in magazines and journals and published a number of professional research papers and reviews and edited in-house magazines and journals for many years, before the advent
of blogging. Vikram has taught at a University as a Professor for 15 years and now teaches as a visiting faculty and devotes most of his time to
creative writing and blogging. Vikram Karve lives in Pune India with his family and muse -
his pet dog Sherry with whom he takes long walks thinking creative
thoughts.