Please Pass The Butter

Other People’s Furniture

WFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.

I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.

Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!

When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.

You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.

When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.

56 Responses

Well… really most people who are fat know they are fat, and most people who ask generally are also fat but aren’t sure because they are in denial. To me FAT = Obese. A good way to check is with a Body Mass Index calculator. If your BMI is over 30 you are obese. Mine is at 48.7 so I am OBESE! That being said… for me to actually be considered normal I would have to lose half of my weight… which to me would just be too thin, but whatever I’m going to eat something to get my mind off of it.

I’ve killed a few toilet seats in my apartment over the years. When they installed the new toilets that use less water, the tiny seat went when I sat on it but regained shape when I stood up. I went to the office and asked for a “big girl” toilet seat. The manager looked at me like I was crazy but a few days later I came home to find a much sturdier seat although I have managed to swish the seat bracers under the seat already.

This is even funnier than the one above….hahahahahahaah omg!..I wanna know if they have coconut custard or sweet potato pie on mars because I’m going to pay 2 seats on the airplane to get there! lmfbooooooo. I’m obese and I swear I love pie….but pasta rules!

***NOTE***
This comment was edited due to vulgar language. A certain word has been substituted with the word “French toast.” The rest of the comment is in its original uneducated contemptible format.

What the French toast U fat French toasts need to go on a diet us aussies have abs and tans what america? huh? u people are so french toasting fat u cant even fit on a plastic chair! that is so pahetic. loose weight and stop eating fast food losers.

actually im British and have to admit i really don’t fit in a plastic chair but i do not mind that and when i get home i am quite happy to sprawl on my sofa, i do have fast food but because it is quick to get and i enjoy it, you only have one life why waste it?!

Welllll fat is what you perceive it to be. My bmi is 26 which is just a bit overweight since 25 is “normal”. Frankly yes, I consider myself fat, but like my friends and other people don’t. I personally avoid pie and stuff like the plague unless I REALLY want it and haven’t had it for like a month or so…..but to each his own! (^_^)

I’m not sure about your friend… it all depends on how tall they are and all that jazz. This is not a weight loss site… we complain about being fat… we’re not going to do anything about being fat. It’s easier to complain while eating some warm scones than to run on the tredmill. If you think your friend needs help send her the following link, however I will say that you will most likely not find a “quick way” that is healthy to help her, but it’s a start.

all of u need to shut your mouth because it’s so hard for over weight people to lose weight it’s so much easier to gain weight then lose it i have been over weight since i was a little kid and i still am and im only 15 i can lose like 20pounds then no matter how much i try i cant lose any more idk but u all need to back off because u can be over weight with out eating all the time and exercising trust me i know i want to be normal but no matter how hard i try i can never get their.

Kayla, go to the doctor and have him check you for hypothyroidism. It’s a gland in your neck that can be out of whack and cause your body to run slower than normal. Six people in my family have thyroid problems. -Annie

Hey kiddo… we’re just saying be careful when sitting on other peoples furniture. I’ve been a big ole fatty for years now. I wore “husky” jeans as a kid and got a round belly, I’ve smashed several chairs due to my tonnage. No one is telling anyone to lose weight or that it is not hard to lose weight. This is your place to complain about all the stuff you as a fat person don’t like, not hate on your fat brothers and sisters who can laugh about themselves. Put down the Hateraide and pick up a Twinkie!

ANDDDDDDDDDDDD you need to go to Rosetta Stone or hooked on phonics before you insult people who love themselves just the way they are…..Aren’t there some skinny sites for you to commiserate on? shoe fly…hahahahha

I had a fat relative move in with me and my house is wrecked. he peed all over the new floor in the bathroom,broke chairs ruined my sofa, bbroke the whole toilet, then wanted me to pay 1000 dollars for a heavy duty obesity throne. no way! he has since moved out and stinks up his own place and gained another hundred pounds and complains because its hard to walk. The human body was not meant to carry all that weight.

you know, i hate people that say that there big, beautiful and proud of it. hows proud of being fat that you brake furniture, that you cant run or walk with out catching your breath. I know my BMI is 47 i am fat not big, not big bone, but FAT!

well, you should feel bad not for braking a chair, but for looking at yourself everyday in the mirror and see how deform you have become due to your eating need.
you should feel bad because you are sinning, like some sort of corrupted creature who cant stop eating. Nothing is more repulsive than looking at some fat dude and see the way they eat like pigs, why cant you fat people just eat the normal food quantities like every one? look at yourselves, do something for your bodies, for the people around you, you make people around you feel uncomfortable.
and yes, i hate fat people, because they are like some sort of desease, they should be treated as ill people, and dont say you fat people are people too until you start eating like people and doing exercise, theres no excuse for becoming so obese.

If you keep that hate face it’s going to stay like that …. Just curious does the sinners bible 101 talk about hate being a sin? omg this site is too funny!!! Get a grip…you shall overcome….go to haters anonymous…

nah all of you people have to find somthin elese to do with your lifes and not spend em reserchin plus size ppl and there life styles its there life and dey can do wat they want .There is people who are whores,prostitutes,prgnant teens,suicidal ppl ,drug addicts,sex addicits,anorexic,bulemic,and many others so you all just stop bein so hang up on plus size ppl i am skinny i am a model but i dnt think u all shud be sayin this stuff.

Sorry, Louis…. learn some basic grammar and then come back with the hate. I couldn’t read through your entire string of irrational insults, what with all the ignorance and whatnot you had going on in there.

louis,
i look at myself in the mirror everyday and i know im obese and i am just fine with the way i look and feel. i have never broken anybody’s furniture before but my extra skin does bulge out of the gaps provided for comfort, i find it okay, i don’t feel as if im sinning, i just love to eat and i don’t find that a problem . what i eat i call normal and what you eat you probably call normal. its no illness and no excuse, we have our opinions.

I think it would work to buy a folding chair from one of the “furniture for the obese,” companies and take it with you. You’re comfortable, you know it isn’t going to break, and you don’t put others in the position of holding their breath in fear.

Wow, Louis.. you must secretly be afraid of getting fat or a fat person terrorized you in the past. Maybe a fat guy stole your girlfriend; it’s really difficult to tell what the situation is with such limited evidence!

If you know anything about COMPULSIVE overeating (which leads a lot of people to be overweight, along with genetics), then you’d know THAT is a disease. Replace any word that you said with any OTHER minority – African Americans, Native Americans, blind people.. the elderly.. and see how that sounds. YOU ARE A BIGOT… rather, you are a bigot who can’t spell or construct a proper sentence. I may be bigger than you, but my intellect outweighs yours by a “ton.” Mental midget.

Anyway! As a side note, this was an amazing post! I laughed so much and identified more than I would like to admit! Kudos, Tony.. this is the first post that I’ve read and I love it!

I love how fat people make broken furniture about their discomfort and not about the cost their friends have to fork out just to have them over. I’ve had quite a few things broken by obese friends, no one has so far paid for anything. So what, I’m supposed to keep buying a new chair each time you come over because you’re fat and refuse to change (or haven’t found a successful way to change)? If there was ever a self-centered point to be made – you just made it. Your weight is costing your family money and your just complaining about how it upsets you! Wow, just wow.

I don’t eat the greatest and I still am no where near that heavy…common people time to stop making excuses and writing up complaints. It’s like choosing to have cancer and then complaining about it – YOU CHOOSE TO BE THAT BIG – deal with it.

Well I guess it’s the same as alcoholic uncle Willie drinking up all da vodka….or ocd cousin Jane using up all da hand soap… or people like you wasting all the air conditioning with the baseless hot breath….oh well it costs to entertain… If you can’t afford to have fat Bubba over then don’t invite him. Better yet stop buying that cheap Ashley furniture.

I have many friends who are of size; my domestic partner is also a large man, and we love to entertain guests. The springs of our el-cheapo sofa have collapsed, making it uncomfortable for people of ANY size to sit on. I’ve been looking for sofas designed for the larger user, but what few pieces I’ve found are hideous and don’t look very comfortable, just big wooden benches with cushions on them.

I want to make ALL my guests feel welcome and comfortable and not have to worry about the furniture, and I also want an attractive living room. Can anyone help?