Stephen: Our new house is completely greyscale, and senior management insists that blonde hair be purged wherever it is found.

Would "senior management" happen to be an immortal vampire mad scientist?

Stephen: With emphasis on the "mad."

I felt like I wasn't getting my money's worth with "Pets," so here's Shadow! I'm so original, I know.

Ready to go on an adventure, Shadow?

Shadow: .oO(A list of grievances is being compiled.)

Pingu: I totally think Trump should have fired David this week, even if the men didn't lose the task.Faith: My doctor says you aren't real.

What does your doctor say about your Middle Child Syndrome?

Those windows look in on Yvonne's room.

Which is more hilarious, do you think? Pink vampire, or HoverCat?

My money's on HoverCat.

Here, have a shitty overview of this shitty house. I hated it from the moment the Murphys moved in, so don't expect a fucking tour.

Laci: Will you marry me?Neil: Yes! Oh, of course, yes! Now I have to rush out and buy you an engagement ring!Laci: What? I don't... this is your engagement ring, Neil. I'm proposing to you.Neil: PFFFF. Girls can't propose!

Laci: And to think, that hapless machismo is all mine now!

They tie the knot in a lovely ceremony in front of the television.

Are you sure this is a good idea? Your last honeymoon here was kind of like the Hindenburg crash, minus the humanity and plus the hilarity.

Quit enjoying yourself so much.

Neil: Hey, you fucker! You might have escaped me all those years ago, but the tables have turned! Let's see you outrun a world-class athlete!Ninja: I didn't know the oldlympics were on.

Ninja: So, Mr. Sharpe. We meet again.

Ninja: -poof-

Sorry dude. Fuckin' ninjas.

Neil: Trying to do that would probably kill me anyway.

Yeah, but at least it would be hilarious.

Neil: For who?

Um, for me? The only person that matters?

Laci: I think your thumb is on the lens!

I think that's impossible.

And yet, there it is...

HOLY SHIT IT'S NEIL'S HEAD

I can't tell if this is hideous or beautiful.

Laci: Wait for it...

Laci: -vagina squash-

That's lovely.

Neil: angrangr ninja angrangr teleportation

Neil: WHEN DID YOU GET FAT

Nikki Owens: I regret to inform you that at some point during this massage the roof was torn off. I believe there is a tornado approaching. I believe we are all about to die.

Laci: Is that dude living here all by himself? Should we call someone?Neil: You mean, like, a nursing home?Laci: I don't think they have nursing homes in SimJapan. I think they just rent their elders out to Simnational movie companies.

Can we pack some more useless assholes into this lobby? I think we can.

I like this picture because it was done so badly that it makes the entire thing look like it's about to fall over.

...and maybe it did, because apparently that was the end of the vacation? Sometimes I wish I could reach back in time and punch myself in the face.

But then I think of all the other people from the past I'd like to punch in the face, and then all the people in the present that I'd like to punch in the face, and before you know it it's too late to start working on that time machine.

Good story?

I like chubby Sims just fine (this game has no real fat people, because fat shaming is apparently cool), but Laci keeps complaining about her lovely curves.

Laci: Unnngh! MOVE!

What are you talking about? You've got the bar up as high as it'll go!

Laci: Unnngg! No! YOU! MOVE!

What? Why?

Laci: URRRGGL! BECAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING STRAIGHT UP MY VAG-

MESSAGE RECEIVED!

I think you might have overdone it a little.

And where are you going?

Cameron: To live with Andrew.

And why is that?

Cameron: Because you're constantly toying with the idea of killing off both of our families.

Too bloody right I am.

And this sort of shit is the reason!

So, it's... carry the five... Yvonne's birthday. Joy to the world.

Is it too late for a refund?

Yvonne: I didn't cost you anything.

And it was too damn much.

Christ, another one?

Oliver: I get attent-tion! I get atten-tion!

For sixty sec-onds. For sixty sec-onds. And I'm taking them out of your lifespan.

What a surprise. You're a clone of your brothers.

Oliver: These guns are made for duellin'!

Yeah, but do you really wanna bring guns to an axe fight?

Oliver: Axe fight? What axe fight? What are you talking about?

Shh. Don't mind me. I'm just foreshadowing.

Oh for FUCK's sake are you KIDDING me.

Abigail: Woo! Yeah! Age up, honey! Then I can trade you in for a newer model.

Way to colour coordinate, Stephen.

I didn't know you were pregnant!

Vicki Gothier: You should pay better attention to her!

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Are you SHITTING ME? You heard labour pains from across the entire lot, found the front door locked, and ran in through the garage door? That's just... words fail me.

Stephen: No cameras.

But I'm such a diligent chronicler!

Stephen: NO CAMERAS!

(Thanks for the excuse, dude. I owe you one. Do you accept payment in zombies?)

Oliver has something of a weight problem.

Shadow: .oO(MOVE LIKE YOU'VE GOT A PURPOSE! MAGGOT!)

Oliver: I love the way your hair clips through your sternum.

Virginia: I love how your blandness makes me so much hotter.Oliver: I love that too.

I don't think that one should count; you missed. I think it's time for a do-over.

Virginia: You're not subjecting me to this twice.

Virginia: Do you think you could move over a bit? Only I'm half on the sidewalk.Oliver: No.Virginia: Why? This is so uncomfortable, I'm squirming like crazy!Oliver: I know, and it's giving me a boner.

Brady: Perhaps... madam... would like to borrow a towel?Allison Collins: Maybe once we're done.

Those dance moves are off the hook!

Ember: You can use Cameron's room, but wash the damn sheets after.

Ew.

I'm... not sure you have a butler anymore.

What're you staring at?

Well... that's rude. And creepy.

Oliver: And we'll even have a cheap barbecue, just for us. Our own cheap barbecue.Virginia: Teehee! Oh, Oliver, you're so ro-MAN-tic. Could we? Could we really?

Don't look! Cecilia's coming, and she's got Cecilia's face with her!

Aw, come on! This family is too goddamn big!

Faith: Daddy's out of breath.Abigail: If only he were out of halitosis too.

So yeah, this is townie garage invasion baby; his name is Franklin Murphy. He only looks that thrilled because he can't see what he looks like. He's a Neat freak (10/10), a world-class bore (0/10 Outgoing), all fired up, (10/10 Active), not as funny as he thinks (8/10 Playful) and very good natured (7/10 Nice). Based on that, he's gonna be yet another goddamn Knowledge-seeking Murphy spawn. His One True Hobby is Tinkering.

Ian: .oO(I'm watching the TELEVISION. The TELEVISION. There's a kid, and he's scubadiving, that's awesome. I'm watching this KID, and I am watching him SCUBA DIVE. I am watching this KID dive the FUCK out of that SCUBA. Is that right? Is that even a thing? Is that what I am watching him do here god DAMMIT GODDAMMITALLTOHELLLLL.)

Virginia: Run that last part by me again?William: Ian's gonna handle restocking, while you work the cash registers with me.Virginia: No, no, I got that. The last part!William: -sigh- All the items are individually priced, and if we get too deep in the weeds we'll close temporarily to regroup.Virginia: I MEANT THE PART WHERE MY UNIFORM IS A SWIMSUIT

Well, the customers certainly seem to like it.

Ian is off-screen, furiously restocking.

What? I said restocking. He's the restocking master.

What?

Any particular reason you're at the Sharpe house?

Andrew: They have a hot tub.

Yeah, but I mean... why are they letting you use their hot tub?

Andrew: Oh, they're not.

Okay then.

Laci: ANOTHER coach, Neil? That's what, the THIRD coach you've fucked?! Do you have a COACH FETISH?!Neil: It's the next best thing to fucking myself!