Why You Need to Be Your Child’s Biggest Influence

Fast forward to the future to see a common parent child connection: A child is now a teenager and prefers to hang out with her friends… all the time. She scoffs at the idea of a family day trip and tunes everyone out the entire time. She doesn’t value time spent with family and would rather be with her peers.

While this may seem like the typical teenage life, it’s not the kind I want my kids to have. I want my kids to actually like their parents and have a strong parent child connection.

Your child doesn’t place so much emphasis on peer approval

Peer approval is normal, but a child shouldn’t place so much emphasis on whether her friends like her or not. Her friends don’t have her best interest in mind the same way a parent does. Any influence they may have on kids isn’t as well-thought out as a parent’s.

You respect one another

Imagine having a lifelong, close relationship with your kids, long into their adulthood. This can only come when both of you love and respect one another. Many adults still harbor resentment towards their parents, or don’t want to be with them.

But a close parent child connection shows plenty of respect. You may disagree, you may have to discipline, but beneath all that is a strong respect for each other.

You have more influence on your child than his peers

Have you seen kids who roll their eyes at every comment their parents make? That’s not a healthy connection.

Instead, a strong parent child bond means your kids listen to you way more than they listen to their peers. Sure, they probably will listen to their peers about ‘hip’ topics. But they’ll still listen to your advice and turn to you when they need help.

Your child values the time you spend together

It’s awesome when kids like spending time with their family. While they’ll hang out with friends, they’ll make time to be with their parents.

Create a strong parent child connection

Why is it better to raise a parent-oriented child vs a peer-oriented child? Children need us to guide them in their decisions, not their peers. Their friends aren’t as experienced as adults. They can’t influence our kids in the same positive way that we can.

Their peers also need guidance themselves. They’re not in a position to offer it to others (think Lord of the Flies madness). They don’t have our kids’ best interests in mind the same way we do.

So how can we encourage a strong parent child connection now while they’re young?

Don’t focus on socializing so much.Social skills are important, but it can seem like parents want their kids to be the most popular or social. Don’t force your kids to have a best friend, or make them socialize when they don’t want to.

Watch your reactions when your kids tell you things. Kids tell us the craziest, funniest, most amusing things. How we react can matter just as much as what they say. If your four-year-old tells you he has a girlfriend, do you tease and say, “ooohh…”? Instead, respond respectfully. Or do you freak out when your kids tell you their worries and problems? They might feel like they don’t want to worry you and keep things to themselves.

Accept your kids for who they are. Kids turn to peers (among other things) because their parents can’t accept who they are. Embrace your daughter’s introversion, no matter how difficult it may be for your extroverted self. Don’t pressure your son to excel in sports when he would rather play music. Get to know your kids, and celebrate who they are.

Respect one another. Your kids will enjoy spending time with you, now and into adulthood, when you respect your kids. And in turn, they will respect you and take your advice, comments and even your quirks with affection.

As the authors’ book says, hold onto your kids. Don’t succumb to the whole ‘kids rule, parents drool!’ mentality that we sometimes accept as the norm. There’s little need to push our kids to flee from us too quickly, especially to turn to their peers. Instead, form strong bonds with them now and build a strong connection that will last for many years.

Your turn: What do you do to build a strong parent child connection in your home? Let me know in the comments!

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Comments

I also want a healthy and respectable relationship with my kids into their adulthood. I mean, my husband still takes his mom’s advice over mine LOL. What I learned from this post is that I need to accept who they are, listen, and be the voice of reason. As much as I want them to fit-in, I shouldn’t force upon them personality traits that aren’t their own.

Aww that’s cute haha (I hope!). I’d like to be able to be there for my kids even when they’re adults. More importantly, I want them to respect my advice and turn to me for guidance even when it’s typically “not cool” to.

I read this book a while ago and it really made me think. I didn’t agree with everything, but I think all the horribleness we think of as normal teenager behavior is really not normal or healthy. It’s maybe normal to be occasionally exasperated by your parents but not to hate them. I think staying away from media has been huge for us.

Yeah I didn’t agree with everything either, but yup: the key takeaway was that the eye-rolling disrespect during the teen years isn’t inevitable. Good point about media. It’s working for us even while my kids are young.

Wonderful advice, I totally agree that mutual respect is so important. As is spending quality time with your kids. Being a positive influence by setting a good example to follow is a great way to guide your child without them even realizing it.

I like this article. I think parents tend to worry about “socializing” their kids at a much too young age. They forget about all the socialization that goes on inside the home. Kids learn so much from relating to their parents and their siblings. I have never been in a rush to send my kids off to preschool – unless we needed it because of work schedules.
We also don’t over-schedule our kids. They do one activity at a time – I want them to have ample play time at home too – they are only kids once!

I fell for the socializing trap too. As if we had to get them out and about all the time or to have that one best friend (shoot, *I* don’t even have that one best friend). It’s important to go on play dates and such but not overdo it. And yes, overscheduling can be such a huge stress!

Well this article certainly makes me think. I was one of those eye-rolling teenagers; but I always felt like I had a good relationship with my father. I could honestly go to him for almost anything. Yet I was still an unbelievable pain. In some ways it was like that struggle is what makes us closer. Perhaps the individual child’s temperament and personality has a lot to do with the long-term relationship as well. We try hard to create a positive relationship with our kids through carving out special time with them (story time, game night, etc.) But we are, and always will be parents first. I’ll have to look into the book and read more about the rationale and theories. Thanks for the interesting points!

Your dad did a good job for making himself open to you despite the eye rolls! I think the general theme of the book and the post isn’t that there will never be parent-child discord (that happens even now). But that kids know that their parents take precedence, have good advice, and can always be turned to for help and even for fun.

Ironically we were just talking about this ourselves when we went camping. My husband has the thought process that we have only so long before our kids will never want to be around us again while I completely disagree. The difference: I grew up in a home where I felt listened to (usually) and respected; Jared definitely did not. I liked spending time with my family. I stayed in on weekends to hang out with them and watch a movie or go out to eat. I had plenty of friends and a boyfriend, but ultimately my parents were a way bigger influence. They respected and trusted me and I returned the favor. We still have a great relationship, as I do with my entire family.

As you pointed out, so much of that is established in early childhood. We try to do each of your bulleted points. The socialization thing is real – I have friends who force their kids into every activity (at the age of 3!) and the kids are definitely not into it. To me, time together as a family is way more valuable than dragging your kids to-and-fro to every activity available, especially if the child isn’t ready.
I’m going to look forward to your posts on the 20th of each month!

We’re in a transitional time, so we’ve ONLY had family togetherness and very little outside socialization (even for mommy – which is why I started doing more reaching out in the online communities of moms). In some ways the time has been beneficial, in other ways, it’s making me feel a little claustrophobic. Great thoughts, and I do agree with all of it. I happen to be in a very different place literally for the time being – that should change in the next month after getting settled in our own home again.

It’s actually really important to me that my kids respect me! I am often sure to talk about my work and how much I love it. And my husband loves for our kids to see us as strong with each other.
My kids are young so I haven’t gotten to the point yet where they have lives I don’t know mostly about. You know? Finding that balance between friend and parent will be interesting.

The biggest thing we do is to be careful we are listening and are really taking our child’s presorting into account. When we are willing to listen to them, we find they are willing to listen to us and they also come to us when they have issues.

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