Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

My fiance`

For nearly three years my fiance' has abused me in various ways. I no longer have privacy. I have at one point found a key logger on my computer that was installed by him, that told him everything I had ever typed, looked at, or whatever website i have been at. The so called 'friends' I have I cannot speak to anymore, after finding out that they have been 'reporting' back to him anything I say to them.

He at one point actually sent one of his friends to spy on me and my friends because he apparently thought we were plotting against him. When we were in the earlier stages of our relationship he would read my posts from various forums and read when I was upset at him so he would know when to pick up flowers and apologize to me.

Because a video I had made pertaining to SI material he deleted my photobucket and youtube accounts. He searched through my history and found what site I kept a journal on, read the entries didn't tell me about it until months later so he could continue reading my journal entries.

no matter how much I change passwords or clear my history, it's never enough. I really am so tired of it.

he would also use my SI as a way to capture my attention, when ever I SIed and didn't tell him he would threaten to leave, tell my mother, call the cops etc. I believe he just used this as a way to get me to gravel at his feet (metaphorically) and tell him how stupid I was and how sorry I was. Till this day, when I SI I have to show him. And it's humiliating.

while my computer has only one password on it his has at least three, he knows all of my passwords for everything, my computer, different website profiles etc yet I know none of his passwords.

at one point he took to looking through my phone records to see if I was calling anyone 'suspicious'

not to mention various other forms of mental abuse, and sexual abuse.

He constantly pays more attention to his computer than he does to me. He has most recently discontinued any closeness we have other than sex. We rarely talk, rarely cuddle etc. I just don't know what to do

Count your blessings that you haven't married him yet. Call off the wedding and kick him to the curb. None of this right by any standards of human decency. If he has so little trust that he has to continually spy on you, what type of future do you really think you would have with him.

This guy is obviously technologically gifted, so I doubt that you could trust him in the future, even if he promises to cease spying on you. Once you get rid of him, have your computer completely rebuilt to make sure that none of his &quot;spying&quot; software continues to inform him of what you do. Better yet - if you have the resources, get you a new one and be careful what you move over from your old one.

I know this is over used and very cliche but I really love him, I seem to only focus on what he has done, good things wise. I just can't seem to stomach the thought of leaving him, I am also sort of afraid of being alone, after three years of being together I have rarely spent more than a week apart.

After reading you valid concerns...these are fears that your head is keeping track of...while your heart is holding onto him and your relationship, because it can only keep track of the good sides of him.

The mind knows the truth and will help you see what really could be yours if you stop giving the reins of your current relationship to your heart. It wants to keep that &quot;in love&quot; feeling...because positive actions and physical closeness feeds the heart. Now your heart is almost to the point of starving and your mind is starting to kick into self preservation mode.

I could be wrong...I seperated from my husband due to my fear/lack of trust and my love for my girls...but in my heart...has always loved him...there was some positive acting out...

I am by nature, a big lead with the heart type...but I have to say...these days with dependent children...I put faith in what my mind knows as reality...whatever we wish to see...&quot;a duck is still a duck&quot;.

I was having another discussion with him and the topic of him choosing his friends over me, he said yes he did choose his friends over me, because he tries to keep his friends for life, and they all hate me because after only an hour or so after hanging out i am tired and ready to go or i 'hate them'
and when he said that i acted like after a while i wouldn't have to see these people again i was being bitchy and blah blah blah
long story short, im a bitch and his friends come first and in between leaving the room to cry and smoke, i was pleading with him &quot;what can i do to be important to you&quot; &quot;I figure after three years of walking on eggshells and crawling on my hands and knees over broken glass for you would be enough&quot; first it was him saying &quot;come here&quot; as if to embrace me, and i wasn't going to have any of it... then he passed out
and a little bit longer of me crying and sobbing as i asked &quot;was i just a way to get out of your parents house?&quot; and he said &quot;no dear, cant you wait to talk about this&quot;

I am with you. My ex fiancee was the same way. It's painful, in so many ways. When I mourned the loss of our relationship, I mourned a dream that I had of what could have been, but I do not miss the lunacy.

so you are thinking what? you can fix this? he will change? a miracle will occur, lightning will strike him with an amazing realization that he is wrong to treat you this way? What are you holding onto? fairytale dreams of how he USED to treat you? Your fear of being alone? I think you just need to quietly make plans to leave. Enlist friends, family to help you move your stuff out ASAP...I wouldn't give him any notice, just carefully plan your escape from this abusive relationship. It is hard to let go of your dream of what used to be, how he used to treat you..but you have to see the truth of where you are right now...being an abused doormat for a control freak who cares nothing at all for you whatsoever, has no respect for you whatsoever and will only treat you even more viciously every single week you prolong this. Get some counselling to help you figure out why you have put up with this for as long as you have, address these issues now so you can have a healthy relationship with someone in your future.

When I started reading your post the word &quot;Hostage&quot; kept popping in my mind. This is emotional abuse. This guy is holding you as an emotional hostage.
I agree with Ruby, do whatever you have to to get out. It will only get worse. Especially if you marry him. Their is no justification for this kind of behavior. Your young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Get out and go live it.

Well you might not like this here it is: LEAVE find someone who treats you with respect and dignity. If he is displaying these types of behavior now, it will only get worse in time, leaving you in shambles. Try joining a gym or some type of group where you can meet new people.

You do need to get out of the relationship, but you ned to realize why for yourself to prepare yourself to be bale to do so. Meaning to just bale, with eh emotional attatchment and feelings you do have, will be extremely hard for you. What you may need to do as hard as it may seem is look at the situation as objectivly as you can, ie: wihtout feelings, thinking from your mind, not your heart. You obviously love him, but are his actions good for you, are they conducive to a healthy relationship? Is he controlling? Jealous? And is this the type of person you wan to be married to no matter what your feelings are? Is your love for him worht being in a relationship that could very well drive you insane, destroy your self esteem? Ask yourself some hard questions. If it were a freind in this situation, what would youradvice be? do not let your emotions fool you into staying in something that is very unhealthy for you.... and for him. This is emotional abuse and you may not be aware of it, and what it can do to you. please read my thread &quot;is this emotional abuse? How to heal&quot;.. my es would constantly check my e-mails and phone and I'd let her as I had nothing to hide, her suspicion still grew to the point that I could not calm or address her insecuritues and it ruined us... after buying a house and setting a wedding date, and I was the one who was severly devestated. It sounds like your love is more sincere and true for him, jealousy and lack of trust are not love, and if he leaves you before you decide, you may feel even more despondent and wondering what you did... becasue you loved him so much you accepted and put up with som much of his issues... to be left in the end. nothing is more hurtful and frustrating. Wish the best for you.

If you leave him now, in 5 years time you will wonder what the hell you were doing in that relationship and how you bore it for 3 years. You will have moved on with your life, and be 100% happier. Believe me. xx

It sounds to me like he is very controlling and I am in agreement with the others...it is a sign of things to come. I am sure you do have good feelings for him but how can you love someone you can't even trust? Not trying to sound dumb here but what is SL? ( shruggs not sure) I happen to agree with everything tpop said.... you are so young you have your whole life ahead of you.

Why are you still with this guy??? He has total control over everything you do! Do not get married! No one has the right to treat someone like this. We are all given one life to live and we should live it to the fullest. We all deserve to be happy! Please know you are worth it and get away from him!!! If you need to talk let me know.

PS ~ incase he is reading this ~ You are a real POS who needs to get a life!

You are not just looking at th negative here. You are looking at reality. What he is, not what you want him to be. You are not free. You are a hostage.
I was afraid to be alone to. But, when it came down to waht was I more afraid of, being alone, or losing my mind, I was even more afraid oflosing my mind. As the escalation continued, I was even more afraid of being hurt physically, maybe even dying. I had no money, no place to go, and couldn't take anything with me except what I could stuuff in a few garbage sacks. I called a DV crisis line and wham! They had me out of there and safe.
What I found was...
I wasn't alone.
They provided me with a safe place to be.
They had money's to help me with the things I needed.
They took me everywhere I needed to go.
They helped with EVERY fear I had. They still continue to, even tho I am no longer at the shelter apt. I met a great group of women who understood me and had been through it. Women who had been through much worse than I, who were courageous and strong and getting healthy. he DV program had money to help me with medical and mental health costs.
With in the first 24 hrs, I was immensly relieved, and relaxed. No eggshells and lass. When I talked, I was listened to. I was so supported and continue to be.
Please Butania, at least call your local crisis line and talk to them about what's going on. They will listen. They know what they are doing. You don't have to leave to call, or get frre DV counseling. Leaving is a person choice, on your own time. They will help you sort through what's going on, help you with a plan to leave should you choose to do that.
PLease stay safe. You are strong, even tho you may not feel that way right now. You deserve a much better life and there is one to be had for you.
{hugs}

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