February 15, 2013

New movies are released into theaters every weekend. How do you decide which movie to watch? Some movies sound awesome (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), but then do not do too well commercially. Other movies star your celebrity crush (Keira Knightley in King Arthur), but then do not get much love critically. Still other movies are recommended by friends (but friends can be idiots). And if you are like 25%* of people, you are not even aware of which movies are being released, yet alone which movies you should pay your hard earned money on.

I’ll save you the hassle of researching every movie by comparing the new releases for each weekend in this column. Then I’ll tell you which movie you should watch in the theaters.

For Valentine’s weekend, the new movies in wide release are Beautiful Creatures, Escape from Planet Earth, A Good Day to Die Hard, and Safe Haven.

My favorite week is when there are four different genres! 1/4 point each.

Best Plot(in haiku form)

Girl will turn 16
She likes boy. She is a witch
Is she good or bad?

There are aliens
Humans captured them on Earth
They need to escape!

A Die Hard movie
John McClane teams up with son
Russians are bad guys

Girl moves to new town
Based on Nicholas Sparks book
Love but there’s secrets.

Escape from Planet Earth has the best plot, hands down. Tentacles down. Point.

Best Trailer

+ Beautiful set and costumes
+ There’s witches and magic
- But it reminds me of the Twilight movies

+ The premise of this movie is exceptional
+ There’s a couple of clever moments too
- I didn’t laugh that much though

+ A Die Hard movie with cool effects
- Horrible dialogue
- That was the worst edited trailer I have ever seen

+ Romance movie for Valentine’s Day
- Generic Will-a-secret-tear-apart-true-love plot
+ But taking your date to this movie will help your cause

No trailer grabbed my heart. I’ll give each movie 1/4 point.

Coolest Lead Actor

Viola Davis from The Help and Doubt.

The voice of Brendan Frasier from The Mummy and George of the Jungle.

Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense, Die Hard, and Pulp Fiction.

Josh Duhamel from Transformers and Life As We Know It.

Bruce Willis may not win this round too many years longer, but he’ll get the point this week.

Best Cast

Emmy Rossum (Phantom of the Opera) and Emma Thompson (Love Actually)

The voices of Ricky Gervais, Jessica Alba, Sofia Vergara, and many more.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3)

Julianne Hough (Dancing with the Stars)

This is a close call, but I believe Beautiful Creatures will get the point.

Best Street CredFor the Production

Director and Writer Richard LaGravenese also directed and wrote P.S. I Love You and Freedom Writers.

Director Cal Brunker also worked on Despicable Me and an Ice Age movie.

Director John Moore also directed Max Payne and The Omen.

Director Lasse Hallstrom Chocolat and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

It’s Valentine’s Day- let’s spread the love. Another 1/4 point each.

So out of a maximum of 7 points per movie, A Good Day to Die Hard scores 2 and 3/4 points and a gold star, Beautiful Creatures and Escape From Planet Earth each score 1 and 3/4 points, and Safe Haven scores 3/4 points.

You may interpret this column for your own movie preferences. For example, if you are a kid or young at heart, feel free to watch Escape from Planet Earth. However, if you are still on the fence, please read the following conclusions from the scientific data gathered in this column.

Conclusion 1: On paper, A Good Day to Die Hard is (barely) the best movie to watch this weekend. Conclusion 2: Happy Valentine’s Day, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Conclusion 3: Each week, the gold star will go to the movie with the best tagline. A Good Day to Die Hard’s “Yippee Ki-Yay Mother Russia,” is nostalgic and punny and much better than Safe Haven’s “You Know It When You Find It.” Bleehh.