The Survivor

As a child of survivors, I am the pain, fear and atrocities, once removed.

I am known as "the second generation." As everyone knows, that means: a child of survivors of Hitler's concentration camps. Yes, I am the pain, fear and atrocities, once removed. My parents were both survivors of Auschwitz. They were not left with scars from their experiences in the war; they were left with open, gaping wounds that would not heal in their lifetimes. One cannot recover from losing five wonderful children, parents, brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, and to a lesser extent, from losing one's home, possessions, and means of livelihood.

I was born from those ashes, but of course, could never make up for this -- a pain that I couldn't even understand. My parents, who had been married to each other and were reunited after the war, had very different styles of reminiscing about it. My mother would tell me stories about the concentration camp, but tried to present it in a lighter vein. She told me how they would sleep ten in one bed, and when one person had to turn over, they all turned over. At some point, it began to sound like fun. My father never spoke about personal experiences -- rather, he talked about aktionen, military and work experiences.

My eyes frantically followed that Sefer Torah, in an effort to learn the names of my dead brothers and sisters.

They never spoke of their lost children. I don't remember how old I was when I became aware of their existence and subsequent deaths, but it was at a very young age. At some point, I found pictures of them, and from conversations overheard, I pieced together their story. This opened a world of speculation and fantasy that fed the imagination of a very lonely only child. I would dream over and over about how we would meet. I knew that I could never speak to my mother or father about them. Even their names were a mystery. Until one year, at Simchas Torah, I discovered that my parents had dedicated a Sefer Torah in their memory. Their names were embroidered on the mantle of that Sefer Torah. As the men danced around and around, my eyes frantically followed that Sefer Torah, in an effort to learn the names of my dead brothers and sisters.

As I became older, I learned that my parents had had twin boys, who had been taken to Mengele's camp for "experiments." A cousin told me that a friend of my father's had seen them alive at the end of the war, and that my parents searched for them for years all over the world. To this day, I harbor a faint hope that they will someday miraculously appear in my life.

THE STORY GOES ON AND ON

My childhood, as a child of survivors, was not a conventional one. "Second generation" implies that there will be more to follow, and for me the story goes on and on. As my children and, later on, my grandchildren filled my life, there was always the specter of children like these who were wrenched from their mothers' arms and slaughtered, only because they were Jewish. There is a sadness, born of my parents' sorrow and pain, that permeates and colors my life.

But there is another side to this story. My parents were survivors. They survived conditions and circumstances that few human beings could. They were sustained by their strong belief in God, and by a spirit that couldn't be squelched. When my mother died, at age 93, and my husband eulogized her, he used the verse from that week's Torah portion: "Vayidom Aharon -- and Aaron was silent." Aaron had no complaints to God about the loss of his children. My husband said that in all the years that he knew my mother, he never once heard anything emerge from her mouth that could, in the slightest way, be construed as a complaint about her terrible loss.

Such indomitable strength cannot go to waste, and my parents somehow bequeathed it to me. Lo and behold, they produced another survivor. Throughout my life, when faced by even the greatest adversity, I have always felt an inner wellspring of strength that never fails to amaze me and see me through. Surely, along with everything else, this is part of my legacy from my parents -- the survivors.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 29

(29)
cheryl,
December 29, 2014 3:46 AM

missing twins

There is an Israeli man, a twin whose birth name was Elias Gottesmann, who is looking for his twin brother. Mrs. Lobl said her parents had twin boys who survived but never found them. The man's current name is Menachem Bodner. Was Mrs. Lobl's name Gottessmann?

(28)
jgarbuz,
May 22, 2014 10:45 PM

Same here. Born in '46 in Bavaria, raised in Brooklyn lived in Beersheba.

in a Bavarian DP camp. Mother saved by good Christians after her baby, and my grandmother, and her brothers all murdered. My mother was the strongest person ever, as well as beautiful. Only the strong could survive that. And her life in Brooklyn was no bed of roses either. My father was in Red Army from Leningrad to Berlin, after which he escaped and met my mother in the camps.

The holocaust seared me for life even though I was just a child. And I also lived in Israel for ten years. I am not shocked at anything except that Jews could be better to each other than they are. We should stop "repairing " or saving the world and start caring for and saving each other. How Jews treat Jews is the most important thing of all. Let the world "repair" itself. We Jews must repair ourselves.

(27)
eva,
July 13, 2010 3:01 AM

I too am a child of survivors, but they spoke often about their experiences. I often wished they had written it down, it would have made incredible books. They saw open miracles and held onto their faith in Hashem through living hell. My life has been colored by it, and not a day or an hour goes by that I don't think about it. There is always an underlying fear of it happening again, and I tremble for my children and grandchildren. I constantly pray that Hashem say enough, and bring an end to all suffering.

(26)
levi lobl,
September 18, 2008 8:03 AM

i am her son!

I would like to say that my mother`s strength is that ther is no such thing as 3 genraion in our family!
let the sun shin over us all for ever!

(25)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2005 12:00 AM

I, too, am a child of Holocaust survivors. My parents spoke very little about the Holocaust to us; however, we knew that we had to bring them only nachas, not problems. My goal in life was (and still is) to make life easier for them and to be good. I must have always felt their pain even though they had a hard time articulating their feelings.

(24)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Now i understand?

Im in the 8th grade,I have always known about the holocaust, but never really understode what happened.But we have watched many movies in school such as Anne Frank, or Jacobs Lie, and I also watch Schinlers List.And each time that i watched one of these movies i just wanted to cry.I meen i just kept thinking,"what if that was me and my family?" And now that i truely understand what the holocaust really was, i just can not understand still, for the life of me why any human being would do such a thing.I meen millions of jewish citizens where killed,and for what?Well i just had to say that!

Bye

(23)
Maureen Mcney,
October 4, 2004 12:00 AM

I just discovered I was adopted and jewish

I had just discovered that I was adopted and my parents died in a concentration camp. The odd thing was that I studied german and new it fluently like it was my first language--
I have always lived with the feeling that I had to flee in a moments notice
in fact I have always had packed a survival kit by the door--I learned the violin by ear the first time i picked it up--all jewish songs--I wonder if memory is genetic?

(22)
Rebecca,
October 1, 2004 12:00 AM

10/01/04

Im in the eight grade and just started to learn about the jewish holocaust,it really upset me, and i cant quit thinking about it, but what really worsend it was when i watched the movie about anne frank, and realized that she wasent the only one who went through this, so i got on the internet and found your website and read your story, something keeps tearing at me to keep searching for things like this, but with each story i read , i just continue to get even sadder, i cant imagine what your family must have went through and what your still having to strive with, it didnt even happen to me and i feel awful, i had a nightmare last night that i was a jew in hiding just like anne frank, and the germans had invaded our hiding spot and i woke up screaming, there is just no words to describe what happend.

(21)
pat strange,
September 26, 2004 12:00 AM

compassionate sympathy

my father , who recently died , was in the first wave of british troops to liberate bergen-belsen concentration camp . i don't believe that he ever recovered from this , and i am the only one in our family that he felt comfortable talking about his experiences to.i feel that i owe it to my dad and the people that he tried to save to listen to their stories , also to the people that i have met during my nursing career , many of whom fled europe at the end of ww2

(20)
Margaret Wilson,
September 18, 2004 12:00 AM

I can relate to your story as an Adult Child.

I, too, am an adult child of a holocaust survivor. My Mom and her twin sister were part of Mengele's experiments. Her twin sister died as a result of the experiments. My mother would never talk about her past but had nightmares all of her life. She became an alcoholic which I have learned is not uncommon among survivors because of the guilt syndrome. We never even knew my mother's real last night. She was afraid to really make us aware of our Jewish heritage because she was afraid that history would repeat itself so we were raised a strange mixture of Christian and Jewish. When I matured, I choose to adopt my Jewish heritage and everyone else in the family stayed Catholic so I am not really accepted by my family. I am also rejected (treated as different) because of my disability. For years, my Mom encouraged me to hide my disability and at one point told me that the handicapped were the first group targeted by Hitler to see if there would be a public outcry and when there wasn't, he knew he could do what he wanted.

I raised my children to be Jews. (Sending them to school to learn Hebrew and about the faith/culture) but I never pursued it myself. I have now signed up for a beginning Hebrew class to try and learn more about my background.

I am a survivor but I don't always deal with stress very well. My mother was very suicidal and often asked God why he didn't take her and remove her from the suffering.

I wish I had had one parent who hadn't denied the truth but although my Dad wasn't a survivor, he fought in World War II and was one of the camp liberators. He, too, had nightmares for the rest of his life.

Marricat

(19)
naomi peterson,
September 15, 2004 12:00 AM

i am very touched by your story and i feel your pain may god be with you

(18)
chris archbold,
September 11, 2004 12:00 AM

A story that will stay with me.

I am a Fellow of the Imperial War Museum,London carrying out research into Holocaust Education. I am looking for stories on the theme of "...there was still hope". (NOT the sadly too usual horror stories) This is part of a statement made to me by a Survivor friend Rabbi Abi Brysh who died recently. One of the gentlest most forgiving people you could find my work, which is meant for other teachers to use is in his memory and has the full support of his family. This story is of the type I am looking for. If there is anyone who could contribute in any way please contact me on "chris.archbold@talk21.com" Thank you

(17)
Anisoara,
September 10, 2004 12:00 AM

Me too...sadly but inspired

My parents also survived, my mother hiding as a child,my father at Mathosen'Austria a labour camp meant to send you to your death...he lost a wife and child..he never said a word, never complained. My mother just relived it through nightmares and guilt for surviving, when her parents did not. She had an older brother, who was supposed to go to Belgium...sometimes I imagine a possible reunion with his children...seems impossible...it also made a survivor of me, though I wish I could honour them somehow, I miss them, they have both passed on now. thanks for sharing..

(16)
Anonymous,
September 7, 2004 12:00 AM

I read Naomi Lobl's short story about being a second generation. She put into words what I had felt all my life. I too am an only child. Circumstances were the same about finding out about another family that perished. I am 53 and still remember my parents, who recently passed away, with such love and warmth. Their courage and strength will always be with me. Their pain and sorrows as well.

(15)
Anonymous,
September 6, 2004 12:00 AM

Personal memories filled with love, loss and a strong will to survive.

Thank you for sharing your personal memories. They are golden treasures that we all can gain strength from.
Your parents did so much more than just survive. They lived, loved and gave live to another Jewish neshoma. That takes a tremendous amount of faith and belief in Hashem. Sounds like you gave and continue to give them alot of nachus.Keep up the beautiful writing.

(14)
Lorraine,
August 29, 2004 12:00 AM

the need to be silent

i never knew until 1986 that i had a jewish mother....all my mom's family never spoke of it, though there were clues over the years. like prayers and candles on friday nights...i once questioned moms sister after i found out some backround, but was politely but firmly told not to pusue "this"....so afraid the generation after the war...so sad because i have missed out on such a vital part of my ancestoral lineage....thanks for your article i appriciated it a lot....

(13)
Alice Frost,
August 18, 2004 12:00 AM

List of twins on web-site

CANDLES Holocaust Museum in Terre Haute, Indiana, USA was started by Mrs. Eva Kor, a twin and survivor of Mengele's experiments. There is a list of twins on her web-site. Her museum (which was recently burned down by an anti-semite) was dedicated to twins who survived the Holocaust, and in particular to twins who were experimented on by Mengele.

To view the list of twins, and/or to make a donation to rebuild the museum, please go to WWW.CANDLES-Museum.com. To e mail Mrs. Kor, write her at candles@abcs.com.

I hope you find the twins, Mrs. Lobl and thank you for sharing your moving story.

(12)
Lx,
August 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Strength

Thanks.

(11)
rachel,
August 18, 2004 12:00 AM

"chazak v'Ya'ametz..."

Thank you for this very moving piece! May Hashem grant you to see many more days of joy and Nachat with your family!
& complete redemption speedily in our days!

(10)
moka,
August 16, 2004 12:00 AM

God bless you

Dear NaomiLobl,

" Good to known you and your family history" God bless you.
Long life for Israel.
Best friend Israel
Gérard-MOKA
Belgium

(9)
Anonymous,
August 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Moving piece!! On the lookout for forthcoming book.

I am praying for the reunification of you and your twin brothers.

(8)
Anonymous,
August 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful article

I've received tremendous chizuk from this beautiful piece. How great is our nation, Mi K'amcha Yisrael. Even with faced with undescribable suffering and pain the love for Hashem overrides. We should be zoche to the day when all our suffering and pain disappears.

(7)
Bill Drayton,
August 16, 2004 12:00 AM

Is there hope in the future and even forgiveness for what has happened?

I personally went and stayed a few days in America with the family of a holocaust survivor, who is still living. The visit was not an easy one. For me it was desperately sad how the tragic events of the holocaust continue to have a devastating effect on family relationships - e.g. between father and son. A father who cannot be free of the nightmares because he still bears the scars on his body and suffers for the pain inflicted on him and his family by evil men. A son who wants so much a father's unconditional love and who wants to 'move on' and make his own life, whatever he chooses it to be. Is it possible for someone to forgive enemies who will not repent of their sin? If you choose to remember the evil, are you actually forgiving? I know these are extremely hard questions which cannot be answered flippantly. I am not Jewish, and so therefore someone will accuse me of being heartless and uncaring. 'You don't know or understand how much we went through'. Perhaps the only answer is to discover the true nature of the Hashem of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, as recorded in the Tanach. My favourite part of the Bible is the book of Isaiah. There we read these strange verses: "The punishment that was upon him has brought us peace, and by his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray, each to his own way, and the L_rd has laid the iniquity of us all". Could the answer be found in such a text? Or are we to continue to struggle along in an uncertain world of haphazard cruelty and meaninglessness? That is the challenge which we all must face?

I hope you don't mind my putting my thoughts down. I would welcome discussion, but let's be open and seek real answers to the despair which many feel these days.

All the best to you and your readers,

Bill.

(6)
Galia Berry,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

locating survivors

As a former volunteer at the Red Cross Holocaust and War Victims Tracing Center, I was witness to multiple miracles of people reunited after 60+ years, thinking that their missing relative or friend must surely be dead after so many years of separation. Thanks to extensive research by dedicated volunteers and an amazing database, it is possible that you could locate your twin brothers or at least resolve their fate. In many cases, the outcome was not a happy one, but at least we were able to find a yarzheit date and place and bring closure. I would urge you and others in a similar situation to contact http://www.redcross.org/services/intl/holotrace/ They are located in Baltimore but serve the entire world. This service is provided free of charge. Good luck!

(5)
sarah shapiro,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

wonderful writing

Thank you for this wonderful piece. Hope we can read more by this author.

(4)
jane lowney,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

I look forward to you newsletters. they are great. thank you

(3)
Lydia Hollander,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Second Generation

Naomi crystalizes what we feel! It wasn't until my 15 year old daughter went to Auschwitz this summer that she could begin to understand my feelings as a child of a survivor. Perhaps she and other "third generationers" will make this a better world for all!

(2)
Anonymous,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Ignoring the truth

My whole life i tried to run away from the fact and the pain accompanied by the fact that i am the child of holocaust survivors. I want to believe that that was even the reason to come to Israel, to escape the pain, the heavy load in my family. Hiding myself behind pink glasses,laughing making fun with my friends. Coming home I would always feel the lonelyness the sadness. It is still like that although a little less....thanks to being brought back to my jewish roots b"h

(1)
sjhepner,
August 15, 2004 12:00 AM

feelings...

I understand how this lovely lady feels... somdtimes I feel like I am walking in the land of the living dead.. people and cities that I could have entwined my life with if not for W.W. 2.. AND ITS ATROCITIES, AND SUBSEQUENT GENERATIONAL LOSS, AND FRAGMENTATION, FRAMENTATION OF IDENTITY, ESPECIALLY.... I could have been, I MIGHT HAVE BEEN....THIS IS THE PLANNED LEGACY OF A CERTAIN EVIL GROUP... AND WE SUFFER GENERATIONALLY FOR THAT.. MY CHILDREN HAVE HUGE AMOUNTS OF FAMILY THAT THEY CAN NEVER MEET.... the loss is tragic, and frightening and painful to transmit to them.... but an oral or written history of their family, its degradation and heroism must truly be transmitted, and the memories enshrined... it is our duty...

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...