I’ve never been one for meditation. Well, that’s not true. After my mom died in 2011, … wow, even after all this time, those words still sting … anyways, I did what (I thought) was soul-searching. It was, I guess, but just scratching the surface.

So during that time I found this brain entrainment software that helped keep move you beyond the theta brainwave stage (or was it alpha or omega). At any rate, I used that software for a while, listening through earbuds to binaural beats and admittedly, after extensive use, it did make me feel more even keeled and chill about most things.

But it took 20 minutes, which isn’t necessarily a long time, but after awhile it started to get in the way of things. And little by little over time it fell to the wayside.

Some months later, or maybe it was a year or so, I can’t remember, I took a class and was told that meditation simply wasn’t necessary. And I thought, “Awesome! I’m off the hook. Phew!” So I really didn’t practice it then.

Fast forward to now, some six years later, and I’m recognizing that I am not present. I end up squarely in my imagination. I have a rich fantasy life and things go well for me there. I’m clever, massively appealing to whosever attention I’m trying to get and just the ultimate version of me.

There’s witty repartee, fawning, and just overall achievement of every variety. This is in stark contrast to my actual life, which just feels like I’m stumbling around in the dark.

The fantasy world is safe and wonderful, but it prevents me from living in the here and now and dealing with my shit. So to help bring me back to the present, I decided to take up meditation, as a regular practice.

I did some research and found an app, called Calm. When I was done with the first session, the image attached to this post popped up.

Anything that’s a gift, as far as I’m concerned keeps on giving so I’m hoping that it gives me just what I need—presence and mindfulness. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I mean meditation for a person with escapist tendencies like me is hard. It’s the perfect time to zone out into your imagination, right? Wrong. The focus is on the breath. Damn. And when your mind strays, you’re supposed to bring your attention back to your breath.

Luckily for me, the foray into meditation, on this app anyway, begins with a 7-day run of guided meditations. It’s a good distraction. And the first session wasn’t terrible. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel afterward.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about anything. And that, folks, is why we’re here.