My blog starts from when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, and goes to infinity....and beyond. I look forward to updating you all on the happiness, struggles, confusion, scaredness (is that a word?) and overall wonder of me being in Mommyhood. This is truly the place I've always wanted to be.

PURE LOVE

Holding my baby girl

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

In 6 days, you’ll be 2 years old, and I can hardly believe
it. You have done so much this year! You are walking, talking, STILL DANCING,
and have developed your own special little personality. We just got back from Keystone Colorado for
Christmas, and you LOVED the snow. I was pleasantly surprised and loved
watching your eyes light up as you got to play outside. One of the best feelings in the world is to watch your child’s eyes light up with wonder and
amazement at the little things in life.

Tonight, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I decided to
go check on you one more time before I go to sleep myself. I ended up crawling
in your crib and holding you as you sleep. Very quickly, tears started running
down my face. I realize that these moments that I have to just hold you and you
LET me are getting fewer and farther between. And quite frankly, I’m not ok
with that. It hurts your mommy’s heart to think that you’ll ever choose going
to your friends house over hanging out with me, or you’ll let go of my hand as
you walk towards the school, or that you’ll ever not let me kiss you in public.
As a mom, I struggle day to day on how to be the best mom I can be for you. Am I
doing it right? I certainly hope so. It’s such a big responsibility, and I only
get one chance to do it right. I constantly struggle with time. Time is such a
blessing and such a curse at the same time. Do I take an hour to myself to go
to the gym to be healthy for you and for myself, or do I stay at home to
snuggle with you for that extra hour…? Do I put you down in your crib at 8pm so that you can get all the
sleep you need, or do I hold you on the couch for another hour and just savor
it because I know it’s not always gonna last…? I am going to college to get my
degree in Occupational Therapy, and I know it’s going to take up a lot of my
time. And for what? To spend more time away from you, doing a career that I hope
I’ll love a fraction as much as I do love spending time with you…? I constantly
ask myself these questions, and it’s always going through my mind. It’s a guilty
feeling that never really goes away. “Mom’s guilt” I guess is what it’s called.

You may not understand these internal conflicts until you
are a mom yourself. The constant internal conflict of doing for yourself vs.
doing for your child. I know in the back of my mind that the things I am doing
for myself are in turn for you as well. I want to be in shape and healthy in
order for you to have a happy healthy mom that’s energetic and is able to run
around with you. I also know that you need all the sleep you can get, as you
are growing and becoming more mature. And the biggest conflict I have, the
school conflict, is one that I really have to self talk myself into these days.
I want to make you proud of me. I want you to see me walk across the stage as I
get my degree, and think “that’s my mommy! She did it, and I’M going to do it
one day as well!” I want you to be a strong, independent woman who can take
care of herself someday, and I have to be that person for you to admire first.
I want to lay a path for you, little girl. A path that you will be proud to
walk down one day, and that includes doing for myself. I’m just terribly sorry
that I waited so long to do it, and that it wasn’t finished before you were
born. It should’ve been completed, and I apologize to you for that.

I know you have developed your own personality and that you
are trying to be little miss independent from time to time. It may seem like I lose
my patience with you, and I have to “discipline” you by putting you in the
corner from time to time, or not respond to your temper tantrums that you
randomly throw whenever you don't get something that you want. You must think
to yourself “why isn’t she picking me up when I cry?? Doesn’t she know I need
her right now?” Please know that I am doing the best I can, and that it hurts
my heart to have to give you a dose of “tough love” sometimes. (Gosh, if it’s
this hard now, how hard is it going to be when you’re older and the situations
are a little tougher??)

I hope you know how much I love you, and that I want to
spend every waking (and sleeping for that matter) minute with you. If I could
just hold you all day long and give you kisses, I think I’d die a happy woman. I
think to myself “maybe if I hold her all day long, everyday, she won’t grow up
as fast!” But unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You have to grow up,
and I have to sit and watch it happen. You are the best little girl in the
whole wide world, and I wish everyone could see how lucky I am to have you. You
make me a better person, and I promise you that I will do whatever I can to
help mold you and shape you into the best woman that you can possibly be. But
please, just don’t let it happen too terribly fast.