The 7 stages of getting the Tube to work

You gear yourself up for it every morning. You think about it in the shower, while you brush your teeth. It is strongest in your mind when you are picking your outfit for the day. Not your important meeting, the presentation you have to make, your appraisal with your boss, but the torturous, uncomfortable, painful journey on the Tube that like it or not, you have to make every single day of your working life.

Unless we are prepared to kick on our trainers and run there, dodge the traffic and bike there or double our journey time and bus there, we all have to face the Tube each morning. Here are the stages we all know and hate:

1. The walk there

Every morning, somehow, you still think ‘Hey! This isn’t so bad!’ A bit of cold, fresh air, a sprightly walk, a chance to listen to the album you downloaded last night. You are absolutely freezing, but the walk pleasantly warms you up for the day to come. Unless you’re late, in which case you’ll be sprinting and cursing the fact you wore a scarf.

2. The Oyster card

What have you done with it? You definitely, definitely put it back in your bag last night. Oh, there it is. You press it against the machine, and surprise surprise, you haven’t got a penny on it. In fact, you actually owe Transport for London money. Time to stand in the queue and try not to accidentally touch anyone, until finally you get to the front and spend half your daily wage (which will still probably only cover you for six journeys).

3. The escalator politics

Some people stand cluelessly on the left, some people rush past you, knocking into you, as if their life depended on them getting to work exactly thirty seconds before you do. However excited you used to be to ride an escalator when you were a kid, it’s as far from that as it could possibly be now you’re an adult.

4. The queuing

As if you hadn’t queued enough waiting to put money on your card, now you have to queue to get on the bloody train. And chances are, you’ll have to elbow a pensioner out of the way to get on that train and avoid missing your first meeting.

5. The sauna

Now you’re on the actual Tube, you forget all that stuff you thought about the fresh crisp morning air on your way to work. It’s hot, so hot, obviously you didn’t get a seat, and your face is in a stranger’s armpit. You try to take off your coat and scarf and jumper and hat without knocking anyone else out, all while frantically trying to wipe the sweat off your forehead before it ruins all the make up you so optimistically applied this morning.

6. The change

Thanks a lot Tube map, for making no sense. After squeezing yourself off the overcrowded carriage and almost fainting with exhaustion, you’ll probably have to make two changes to get to your final destination. Run around the station and repeat stages 4 and 5, till you’re so fed up with the whole procedure you feel like screaming. Except you’re British, so you’ll really just stand in silence not making eye contact with anyone.

7. The exit

Finally, pushing past countless other commuters to get to the turnstiles, the trauma of your journey is over and you are nearly at work. You feel the icy glacial winds from outside and immediately regret removing nearly all items of clothing while sweltering on the train. Oh crap, where’s your Oyster card?

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