The musings of a Golden Retriever from Boston on topics ranging from politics, economics, health care and sports to New Age music, meditation, crafts, bird watching, chasing squirrels, rabbits, and balls and not to forget my all time favorite...sniffing butts.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

The house is so quiet without you here. And though everything is still in its place, just the way you left it, a feeling of emptiness hangs throughout the house. My toys are still spread all around the place, but I'm not as interested in them as I was before. All the birds and the stupid squirrels come by your bedroom window to see if you've left them something to eat, but they leave disappointed. And the squirrels don't seem to get me so excited anymore. Even the sunlight that streams through the living room windows just doesn't seem to shine as brightly as it used to.

When you were here our house was a home. It was just you, Dad and me. There was laughter, there was fun, with lots of walks and playtime, there was lots of cooking, often with table scraps, but mostly there was happiness, lots of happiness. That happiness is now gone, replaced by a hollow nothingness - a gaping void. How could this happen so quickly?

Without you here, I now cling to Dad's side. I know he needs me now more than ever, and I need him too. He still pets me and hugs me, but there is something more desperate in his affection. I almost feel like I am his life boat. I remember when you used to kiss me; I felt your love wash over me in a warm embrace, from my big wet nose to the tip of my tail. I love Dad, and always will, but now I feel this heavy burden to protect him and care for him. That's my job though, and you don't have to worry about that, Mom, I won't let him down.

I remember when you and Dad came home from your appointment with Dr. May, and Dad's face was ashen. That was the day when our lives changed. I would listen to your conversations, and could see the abject terror in Dad's face. I heard you talk about clinical trials, radiation treatments, and I didn't know what all of that meant, until I heard the word cancer. Now I felt Dad's fear.

Cancer is a wretched disease, and one that we share in common with our humans. It robs us of our loved ones, and leaves in its wake shattered dreams and broken hearts. It strikes without prejudice or conscience. It is malevolent and an equal opportunity killer.

You were so brave, Mom, a true profile in courage. We lived in fear, while you looked cancer in the face, and never once flinched. Your "journey," as you would describe it, inspired all those around you. Your doctors, your nurses, who adminstered your chemotherapy, all of your colleagues at work, your friends and especially Dad and me were humbled and awed by the dignity, poise and grace with which you always carried yourself. And for an all too brief time, everyone thought you had beat breast cancer. We thought we could return to our normal life once again. Tragically, just one week before Christmas, you were diagnosed with a recurrence of the disease that was now Stage 4, having spread to other parts of your body. Dad clung desperately to the hope that you would soon be accepted to one of the clinical trials for the new PARP inhibitors, but it was too late, the cancer had spread so quickly. Yet even as your health began to fail, you never lost your determination to fight the disease. And as you battled for your own life, you worried more about your loved ones, especially Evan and Riden, Gram and Dad, and of course, me.

You also touched the lives of so many people, and not simply during your struggle with illness. You had a special way with people - and dogs too - by being genuine, kind and sincere. The generosity of your spirit was boundless. You always knew that the simplest gestures were the most meaningful. And that is what drew so many of us to you. You made this world a better place, Mom. You left behind a beautiful and gentile footprint for the rest of us to honor and emulate.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I worry about Dad. He struggles without you here. Our walks are accompanied by an inescapable sadness that seems to follow him wherever he goes. He wears the visage of a man with a broken heart, whose dreams have been crushed by one of life's random acts of cruelty. He fears what the future will bring without you by his side. "Harry," he said to me, "our North Star is gone. How will we ever navigate through life without her?" Mostly, Dad stares out into space and just thinks. He doesn't share his thoughts with me most of the time, except for when the tears come, and then he just hugs me and says, "Thank you for helping me, Harry."

Dad said there is no reason or explanation for what happened. He said he could only arrive at one conclusion. As he gently rubbed my head, Dad said this: "I guess there are times when God needs to recruit angels to help Him do His work in heaven. And in this instance, Harry, He found an angel on earth in Mom, and He needed her more in heaven. I just wish He could have kept our angel here with us a lot longer."

Mom, I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I will cherish your memory always and will love you until the end of time.

With all my love forever,

Harry and Dad

And in the end,the love you take,is equal tothe love you make.
- The Beatles

I work with breast cancer patients and my co-worker just called me crying a minute ago after reading your tender tribute to Dena. I have never read a more loving group of thoughts and words. She was obviously an amazing woman and is now an angel watching over you and your Dad. Thank you for sharing your love and pain. I am, right this minute, going to say a prayer to Dena and to God for both you and your Dad. Let me leave you with this thought Harry...I read once that when you think of your loved one, when that piercing pain wells up inside of you, at that very moment their spirit rushes to your side. Perhaps Mom is walking with you right now. God Bless you Harry (and Dad).

Dear Harry and Dad,We are so sorry for your loss. Nothing we say can ease your pain. At least you have each other to share your grief. We wish we had met your under happier circumstances. We have lots of blog buddies that would like to know you too and perhaps offer their support. We understand that God probably needed your mom to be an angel in heaven but it is really hard to let a loved one, human or pet, to make the journey to The Bridge. Cnacer takes way too many people and puppies there. We will howl for you mom to our DOG and keep her, and you two guys, inour prayers. Writing such a wonderful tribute to such a wonderful lady is theraputic. Dena will always be with you; in your memories and in your hearts. As stupid as this may sound, if we can do any thing to ease your pain please let us know. We are in your corner. Our dad was born and raised in Everett. The Bumpass Hounds and Kittieshttp://bumpasshounds.blogspot.com

We thank Cheyanne for stopping by my blog and letting us know we should come by and share some hugz -

Mom is sitting here crying like a baby - she can't begin to imagine the empty spots you've been left with BUT we know your mom left you with lots of love -

Words are failing our paws but we know how sad we feel - and we wish we could be there to give all of you a hug -

Please accept this virtual one -

We are so touched by your post - your mom's courage - and the love it was filled with -

Harry is a very nice name - it is was also the name of a special uncle of a special friend of my mom's - in fact, she can still see the picture he sent her one time of Uncle Harry - it is still etched in her mind -

There is nothing we can say to alleviate the pain, but we are incredibly sorry for your loss and through the miracle of the internet hope this small note can comfort you. The tribute is absolutely beautiful.

We are deeply saddend by your loss. : ( Your post is so beautiful, poignant, and touching. Harry, be strong for your dad, he needs you so very much right now. Cancer has taken many of my beloved pets and family members, too. It is a horrible disease, but the courage your Mom Dena showed is a source of strength and inspiration to us all. We're holding you in our hearts & prayers, God bless you.

Hello Harry and Dad,Me just came from Khyra's and we'd like to offer our most deepest condolence. We have lost a few furriends and humans to cancer too..Be strong and stay pawsitive!Our thoughts and prayers for you and family.

Cancer is such a terrible terrible thing. I am so sorry that you lost your Angel Mom to the nasty C word.:( We are praying for you and your Dad during this tough time. Your Mom and God are watching over your from Heaven with a smile.

We are so sad about your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with us...it is both a tribute to your wife and an immense source of love and strength to the rest of us out here in cyber-space. I hope you will be immensely comforted by the wishes of goodwill which come your way.

I am so very sorry. I have lost loved ones myself and know a bit about how it feels. I am glad that you have Harry. When I lost my Mom in September the house was so empty that I could hardly stand it, until Herman came into my life.

Your beautiful tribute brought tears to our eyes and we can feel the pain and anguish that you feel. Sadly, we have lost 2 very dear loved ones in the past 2 years and are still grappling with the cruelty of it all.

We don't know what we can say or do to make you feel better, even for a split second, but what we have learnt is that while the pain of the loss will never ever 'go away', it will somehow become a part of you which you carry with much love and longing.

Rememeber, this is not 'goodbye'.. it is 'till we meet again'.. and until that day comes, carry the love you have for your beautiful mom/ wife in your hearts.

I wanted to tell you how very sorry I am about your loss. I know that there are not words to say that would and will take away the pain you are feeling. But I hope you are able to find comfort and strength in knowing that there are people like me, who (personally) know all too well what you are going through and are remembering you and your family, in our prayers.

Oh dear Harryand his dad. What a beautiful tribute to your mum. I am so sure that in writing this it will have helped your dad in a small way. Keep on loving and watching out for each other. Your mum will be watching out for you both.. Love GJ xx

We came from Khyra's too. It is our first visit, and we are sorry we did not meet you earlier, when joy filled your lives. But here we are nonetheless. We are very saddened by what has happened to you. Take comfort from each other.

My mom & I came over from Khyra's blog to read your absolutely touching tribute to a beautiful woman who we didn't have the pleasure of knowing but through your words we have a sense of the wonderful person she was. We have shed tears for you and our hearts are with you.

Harry & DadWe were told of your blog by the BumpassHounds.We are so very sorry for your loss, as others have said their are no words.We lost our daughter-in-law November 8 to ovarian cancer.Our son knows the pain your Dad and you are going through as he tries to put some order back into his life and that of his two children.The tribute your Dad wrote about your Mom shows what a wonderful and loving person she was, and the special bond that you all shared.And though we did not know her or you and your Dad personally we can tell the love shown by your Dad and you will have her legacy live forever.May God grant you his comfort and peace.

hello harry its dennis the vizsla dog hay khyra sent me over too i am sorry to heer abowt yore mama i luv my mama verry mutch too and can only imadjin wot it wood be like to looz her hang in their and keep cuddling yore dada he needs it!!! ok bye

Although we have only just met you today through your blog it is obvious from reading your tribute that we missed out on knowing a very special woman. There's nothing that can be said that makes it feel any better but please know that all of us who read your tribute are touched by it and you're not alone. We're all thinking of you and more than willing to offer an ear - be it long and droopy or short and upright, furry or smooth.

Dear Dad and Harry,Khyra let us know - what a heartfelt, beautiful tribute. Our feelings are deeply felt, but the words don't come immediately - we are deeply moved by your words and thoughts and can't type how sorry we are. We will keep checking in.Big Hugs xoSammie and Mom

Dear Harry and Dad, you don't know us. We heard from Khyra who heard from Cheyanne...but we're a great community of furiends and friends and I really wanted to come by and offer my sympathy and support. My family and I are so sorry for you loss. We can't console you, but we can be your friends, your clowns, your "somebody to scream at" whenever you want to. This was an amazing tribute to your beloved. A pink ribbon is going on my blog...Twinkie

We came from the Bumpass Hounds and Khyra's blog. We are sorry to come at such a bad time, and wish we had known you before. Perhaps our muzzer, who is a ten year survivor, could have helped your mom in some way. Perhaps as dogs who have known that fear, we could have sent you some terrier vibes to go with your wonderful golden aura and lend you some strength. Perhaps our dad, who says he still worries about the "other shoe" even now would have found the words to help your dad, at least for an hour or a day.

Alas, we are too late. But we come with love and support, and want to tell you how deeply touched we are by your tribute.

A woman as strong as your Mom never really leaves her loved ones. She has shown you by example how to be brave and persevere. As you struggle to remember those lessons, try also to recover more of the joy she brought you every day, and the happiest times you had with her.

Hi Harry, Khyra sent us over. I'm so sorry to read this. There are no words. I'm so glad you and your dad have each other. I hope time will help each of you heal and that there will be some joy in your home again.

We are so very sorry for your loss. And we are very touched by your tribute. We can't imagine how you must feel, but we do know, that with time, grief does fade. We will be purring and praying for you to be able toweather the gried you feel, and to continue living a full life. We bet Mom would want it that way.

Dear Dad and Harry, my mom and I are both so sorry for your loss. Please know we are sending you lots of love and strength to get through each day. Remember the good times. They mean so much. I am a Therapy Dog Team with my mom, we visit people and try to help them, so we will visit you through this blog and know we will be there for you whenever you need us. Your tribute to your wife is beautiful. Your love shines on through. Beautiful quote, BTW. Much Love.

Oh sweet Harry and dad, our hearts are full of sadness, cheeks are wet with tears. We are so so sorry. Yes, mom is now an angel and will always be with you in spirit. What amazing words you have written.

I came over to share a hug and some purrs with you. Harry, I know that you are one of that rare breed, the Good Dog. I'll think of you often and send purrs in your direction for those days when even your great heart is bowed by the loss you and your dad bear.

Hello Harry and Dad - we came over from Khyra's blog. What a beautiful tribute this is. We are so, so sorry for your loss. I know how hard this is - I lost my mom to breast cancer almost exactly 17 years ago and it is still hard. But I know that my mom is now not going through all the bad stuff, and neither is your mom. We are sending you lots and lots of comforting purrs and prayers.

We are so sorry to hear about your Mom, Harry. Please tell your Dad the same and that we are keeping him in our prayers. Indeed this is a sad time for you both. Death is truly our mortal enemy, isn't it? Rest assured, that God hates death as well. And he sent his son to taste death for every man in order to break its bitter sting. In time, we pray, your Dad will find peace and comfort from the shadow of death by seeking refuge in the one who is Life.

We wondered why you hadn't blogged much. Now we know and we are all so very sorry. Cancer is a terrible thing, and so is losing your mom, and your poor dad losing his soul-mate. Our mom understands his pain, though no words can be enough. Just know we are thinking of you both, and are glad you have each other.

Harry and Dad,We came from Khyra too. We are so sorry for youe loss and your tribute was very beautiful. Your mom was a very special person and you will miss her very much. We will be praying for you that God will comfort you and your dad.

We will put a ribbon on our sidebar too in remeberance. Harry, take care of your dad.

Dear Harry and Dad,Please know our hearts go out to you and we are so sorry for the loss of your wonderful Mom and wife. The love was so strong in your tribute and we know she is watching over you each and every hour of the day.

Our prayers are with you and may your memories begin to give you back some of the joy and love she would so want you to keep.

We came running over here from Khyra's house.We are so sorry that this terrible loss has come to your home.Your tribute was beautiful.We wanted to let you know we will keep you in our prayers Harry and Dad.We send love from Oregonlovetweedles

Harry and Dad,I am sending comforting thoughts to you during this difficult time.Your love for each other will be a great source of strength now.Please know that many people are thinking and prayering for you.~Kit

Dear Harry and Dad,We too have come from Khyra. We can never express the deep sorrow we feel for you. your moving words are a wonderful tribute to your mom/wife.We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.with love and leaky eyes from OhioAria and Max and their Mom

I am so sorry, Harry. I wish you were closer so that we could give you and your dear dad a hug. If you feel up to it, take a road trip with Dad - I'm sure your blogging friends will welcome you with open arms. Our prayers are with you.

sad woofs, we are sorry to come so late...sooo sorry for ur loss..cancer is a nasty illness...i hasnt meeteded u before, me seed the pink ribbon on Khyra's bloggie and thought me wood come share our love with u..this dwb community is a very loving one, they have really helped my mama, she has lung cancer and doing the chemo treatments now..will have u all in our thoughts and prayers...

What a positive and loving tribute to your mom, Harry! We can feel the sadness and loss in the words. And we have none to offer to comfort you. Only, we're sorry for your great loss! Your mom sounds like she was a wonderful woman. Purrs and tail wags.

Our condolences. It sounds so inadequate for such a great loss, but I hope that knowing that she touched so many through the blog and sharing your lives, that she lives on in the hearts of everyone that came here, helps ease the pain.

Youw botiful wowds fill ouw heawts wif sadness. I am so vewy sowwy fow youw immense loss. Youw Mom will stay wif you and youw Dad fuwwevew. She'll help guide you and love you and youw Dad so that you can navigate thwoo this tewwibull time. my Daddi is a thwee yeaw cancew suwvivow and I'm aways scawed it will come back, but I twy to tweasoowe the tie we have as i see you did wif youw bwave wondewful MomYou have my love and healing smoochie kissesASTA and Mommi

That was such a beautiful tribute to your mom. Breast cancer runs in my mom's family too and it is very scary. I know that your mom is watching over you and still helping to keep you safe. We send many hugs to you.

hi Harry, we haven't met you but we sniffed over to your blog when we heard about your mom. we know that is the most difficult loss of all, and our hearts ache for your loss. we are so very sorry. we hope you and your dad will find some comfort in all of your wonderful memories.

Harry, that is a wonderful tribute to your mom and we know she will be watching over you. Our dad left us, yesterday, so we kind of know what you and your dad are going through. No words can make you feel better, but just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

A while back, when we learned that there were other dogs named Harry on the DWB, we asked our pals what we should call a group of Harry's. We got many many answers, but the one we liked the best was "A happiness of Harry's."

After reading your poignant tribute to your mom, we know that now isn't a happy time -- on the contrary -- but we also know that your presence along with that of your dad must have made your mom very very happy as she first struggled with the horrible disease and then its devastating return.

So please, in this terrible time of sadness, think of what loving you meant to her -- and remember what we dogs do best -- give our loved ones our hearts and our joy. Harry, your dad will need that from you more than ever as he tries to deal with his pain.

Harry and Robert,We are concerned and think often about you both. So we thought we'd stop by and leave a note in case it might be read. We hope that you two are doing well and that, perhaps, some of the pain of Dena's loss is ebbing with time. We can only speculate on the grief and remorse that you have endured. We sincerely hope that you two can stay together through the healing process. We still hold you both in our hearts and prayers as we do Dena also.- TBH&K

Dear Dad and Harry Mom and I are just stopping by to say hi and let you know we are thinking of Dena and you guys every day. We hope the sun is beginning to come out and that you are taking some walks together.

Hi Harry,I don't know you and have never read your blog but I saw the ribbon on the side of someone else's blog for the first time tonight and clicked on it out of curiosity. I read the beautiful tribute and it brought tears to my eyes. I am so very sorry for you and your dad's loss. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can take some comfort in knowing she is watching you and waiting to see you again when it's time. She sounds like she was a very strong woman. Once again, I am very sorry.

Dena was always so nice to me, she had a heart of gold... When her and I worked in the same office she always had this way of cheering me up no matter what was going on she had this aura of positivity. I remember she'd sign her emails "Smile at a stranger" and it's always stuck with me as an example of her kindness. She was one of the most inspirational people I have ever met, on numerous occasions I ask myself, "what would Dena do? how would she approach this?" She was the best and had such a great positive attitude, I'm sorry for your loss and send my prayers. Stay strong Harry and help dad get through this, we all miss her as she watches over us.

Dear Robert,I'm not sure why my other comment didn't post, but I'm hoping you got it. Dena was a dear friend to me, although we never met in person. Through our blogs and the S.D. Golden Retriever group we got to be friends, and exchanged emails, etc.

About Me

I am a 3 year old Golden Retriever who lives in Boston, but wishes he lived in Southern CA, although that's really my Packies' (as in Pack Leaders) wishes. I really don't mind the cold weather as much as my mom.
I was born in Ohio, but was adopted by my human parents when I was 8 weeks old. My dad gave me my name because he said I reminded him of his Uncle Harry late one night at around 2:00 AM when he had to get up to take me outside to pee. Apparently, Uncle Harry was not the neatest person in the world, nor did he possess the finest table manners. But Uncle Harry had a heart of gold and he was my human grand dad's very best friend for more than 40 years.