Friday, November 30, 2007

Today, I was drying off, and I wondered...will the bath towel fit all the way around my body? Guess what....IT DID!!! Who knew that a bath towel was supposed to COVER your entire body. This is coming from a girl who used to use HUGE BEACH TOWELS to dry off each day.

I keep looking at stores online (the ones that I never even bothered with as a pre-op because I knew they wouldn't have anything to fit me). I look at their clothing sizes for women's, and realize that I can actually WEAR their clothes. Over the holidays I might actually brave going into some of these stores just to try things on for fun. I really am going to try to hold out and not buy any new clothes until spring. Anything else I get at this point will be from the consignment store. There is one super nice store that has a large plus sized selection. I can't wait until I hit size 14, because there are several more upscale consignment stores that I should be able to shop in at that point.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I am slowly waking up here. I weighed in this morning at 225 pounds. It would be so awesome to see ONEDERLAND by my one year anniversary of having the DS. That is only 6.25 pounds per month. I am always a number cruncher (even with work stuff), but I know that my body will do what it wants. I am hoping that it wants to KEEP ON LOSING!!! :)

My dad always asks me how much I have lost. When I told him last night, he asked me how much more I was going to lose. I told him that I didn't know yet. I just know that I am not to where I want to be. Of course, my dad had no idea what my pre-op weight was either.

I wore the size 20 pair of pants that I bought yesterday. Before my cruise, they fit pretty decent, but were tight in the waist. They fit great now, and are very comfortable.

There is family stuff going on. My sister continues to con my father out of money. Honestly though, at this point it is his fault for being stupid enough to believe her even when everyone else knows she is lying. I pointed out how I knew she was lying about the latest way she got $100 from dad. Dad said that he was the only one that had some faith in her. Whatever.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I have always had to have my car seat pushed back as far as possible. Today when I got in, I actually had to move the seat up. It was too far back. I guess I have lost so much padding in my rear, I really needed to move up the seat. Anyway, it is a small wow, but a wow nonetheless!

Also, I am thinking of venturing into Old Navy tomorrow. It has been probably two years or so since I have been there. When I was there, I certainly wasn't there shopping for myself. I was looking at their sizing chart on the website, and I really think that I can wear their larger ladies size (size 18 or 20). I am really trying not to buy much of anything until the spring, but I really would like to have one really new nice outfit for Christmas.

I weighed in at 228 pounds this morning. I have lost 165.8 pounds!!! I am 37 pounds from an overweight BMI. Man this feels so good.

I am eight pounds away from the lowest weight I achieved on Phen-Phen. In the back of my head there is that thought that I will get stuck, and not go below 220. I don't want to think that way. I want to know what it feels like to do so many things....I am thinking about when I reach ONEderland I will celebrate by SKYDIVING! :)

I am going to really think through what I want my strategy to be over the next ten months of my window. I am a "game plan" type of person. More on that in the next week or so.

On another odd note....before long I may be able to SEE my BELLY BUTTON. I was looking in the mirror, and I still have fat on my stomach, but it is remarkably shrinking. Wouldn't that be cool to actually see my belly buttom without having to lift a layer of fat?

Monday, November 26, 2007

I went to the dentist today. She took off my crown, and is redoing my root canal. There is an infection there. Here was the best part....when I came time to pay. Since she had already worked on the tooth, there was NO CHARGE!!! WOOO HOOO!!! I was easily expecting to have to pay $500. I go back on Monday to get it worked on again.

We went shopping, and I got brave and decided to try on a size 18 pair of pants. They fit! They were a bit too tight for me, but I want to wait until I lose about 10 more pounds before I would wear them. I stared at the pants thinking there was no way that I would be able to fit into them, but I DID! I bought two size 16 sweaters as well.

At the store, they also had "elastic waist" pants. I never want to go back to elastic pants. I remember back when I could ONLY wear elastic pants. I like being able to zip up pants and button them. It really makes me feel great.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

I fit into the plane seat with NO problems. There was no "spillage" into another seat.

I was able to BUCKLE my seatbelt, with NO extension. Not only that, I was also able to tighten it, so that there was about five inches of seatbelt to spare!

I hardly sweated at all.

At Disneyland, I hit the park RUNNING. I had energy to spare. I was bouncing off the walls. After a full 13 hours at Disney, I was barely tired. My feet were a bit sore, but no swollen ankles, aching back, etc.

I rode the roller coaster "Space Mountain" at Disneyland!

I was able to go through all the turnstiles at Disneyland with no problem!

It feels good not polishing off food. I like seeing food left on the plate. I would eat a few bites of dessert, then stop. This is what people who have a NORMAL weight do. I really loved that feeling.

I saw pictures of my two best friends and I together. I really am the smallest of the three of us now. It was so weird seeing that in pictures.

I could lay up in the bunk bed on the cruise. The weight limit was 250. (I was 235 pre-cruise).

I am starting to feel so much more "normal" within a crowd. Although mentally I still have that fattest girl in the room syndrome, physically that is just not true.

I had to tighten the straps on by backpack.

I wore size 20's the whole trip. Honestly, several of them were big. I may be breaking into an 18 before too long.

My vacation is over. I got back into town at eight this evening. My vacation was pretty good. I am working on creating a photo slide show to show everyone. Tomorrow I am eight months post-op.

Although my vacation was good, I think it will be quite some time before I take another vacation. I really like my routine for food now. I have ten more months of my prime window (many people say you have up to 24 months of prime losing time, but for certain I have 18). I really want to use this time to shed as much weight as possible. I was also very afraid of gaining weight. I did not have the safety net of my scale to see how my eating was affecting my weight. Once I am in maintenance mode, I think I will be more open to traveling. I know this may sound silly to some, but I think this is what I need for now.

I have a dentist appointment in the AM. She thinks I have an abscess tooth. Why is it that I always get to personally finance my dentist's new BMW? I have really crappy teeth. Sigh.

At the airport there was a news clip on CNN about binge eating. It says that 1 in 35 Americans suffer from binge eating. It is a more "hidden" eating disorder, but they actually believe it is more common than anorexia and bulimia. I wonder if I was a binge eater. Just gave me a lot to ponder.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

We are leaving at 8:00 in the morning for the airport. We should arrive in Orlando at 12:30. I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back to give all the details (and pictures) from my trip on the 26th!

I am addicted to them. For the longest while, I kept eating them because they didn't "hinder" my weight loss. Now I am rethinking that....maybe they are NOT helping my weight loss. I wish I were the kind of girl who could have a piece or two, and be done. Lets face it, I would have never got to the weight that I was if that were the case. I'm going to steer free of the Dove SF Chocolates, and see what happens. Of course, since I am getting ready to go on my trip, I really won't know the true impact of this, since my eating will be "off."

I am proud of myself last night. I had to work late, and they had lots of CARB FULL food. I stuck to 6-7 pieces of broccoli and 3 Cherry tomatoes, with some ranch dip. I didn't touch the cookies, chex mix, sandwiches, or chips. I'll take that as a victory.

The scale is not budging. I have lost a little over 9 pounds this month. I hope to be able to say that when I return. Tonight I pack. Will probably need a last minute run to Wal-Mart as well.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I saw this ad on a site. Does she look like a BBW? She maybe has what....20-30 pounds to lose. She looks small in comparision to most of the female population. She is curled up in the chair. I would love to have enough "chair" to be able to curl up like that. My tail would take up the whole chair.

I met my pet sitter, Lisa a few minutes ago. She seems very nice, and is a real animal person. I was worried about this. I have two amazing bengal cats, and I want them in good hands while I am gone. She was very professional, and asked lots of questions.

Speaking of my vacation...I have not packed a blasted thing. I have managed to get the suitcase from my car into my house. I am not going to pack until tomorrow night. My friends Mandi and Penny are bringing up clothes that they think I might be able to wear. If not, I'm going to be buying some cheap clothes at Wal-Mart/Target once I get down to Florida.

While getting to goal is ultra important to me, I am happy right now. I have so many things to be happy about. I weight under 300 pounds...under 250 pounds. I enjoy having so much more energy than before. I am happy that food no longer rules my life. I love not feeling hungry. I like sitting down in chairs, and not having them cut off my circulation, or wonder if they can support my weight. I like being able to slide in a booth without feeling my stomach rub up against the table. I am glad that the scale is no longer my enemy. I love feeling that I am doing so much more than simply "existing."

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm already dreading Christmas with my dad's side of the family. Individually, some of them are not that bad. Collectively, there aren't enough happy pills on the planet to make the event manageable. I usually only go to one event a year. That is all I can handle. Seriously. I don't want to hear their questions/comments about my weight loss. I don't want them staring at my plate and what I put in my mouth. Thank heavens I am going to be on vacation for Thankgiving so I don't have to make up a reason why I am not attending that function with them.

I don't need to hold onto the rail when going up or down the stairs. I used to always do this. I still find myself doing it occasionally, but more often than not, I am not clinging to the rail.

I went this weekend to borrow a suitcase from my parents. They have a better traveling size one that I needed for this trip. I just brought it in from the car tonight. My mom had put some shorts in there of hers that she thought I could wear. They were all too big. Granted, they fit better than anything I currently own, they are still too big. I tried on a pair of 22 blue jean shorts (with elastic waist, not a zipper and button), and they were too big. I could have certainly worn the 20. I am smaller than my mother size wise.

I have been carrying my trash to the dumpster. In the past, I would always load it up in my car, and drive it over to the dumpster. The distance is so short, I am embarrassed to say that I did that!

More and more in larger groups I am starting to feel normal. It really is a nice feeling.

I desperately want to reach (or exceed) my goal weight. I was number crunching today in my head during a meeting. I have just a little over ten months in my prime weight loss window. Of all the things I have done in my life, there is nothing I have wanted more badly than to be successful at getting to my goal weight.

Monday, November 12, 2007

My digital scales are driving me crazy. I paid $70 for the scale. It has a mind of it's own. Clearly possessed. It can add 5-9 pounds within minutes of weighing. I realize there is some fluctuation, but this is getting ridiculous. It is no longer mentally healthy for me to weigh on the digital scales right now. The digital scales are going up in the closet, and will make a reappearance sometime, but probably not for a few months. As long as the number on my traditional scale continues to go down, I will be happy.

I would really like to do something big to celebrate my one year DS anniversary in March. I have talked about going on a trip, and that is certainly still in the works. I would also like to do something physically challenging to really "push" my body. It would certainly keep my focus on the "prize" of reaching GOAL. I am thinking of walking a 10K. I am going to keep my eyes peeled for one that I can enter in around March/April of 2008. My ultimate goal is to be in ONDERLAND by March 26, 2008. That is my one year anniversary. I strongly feel I can make it, even if it is to 199. I hope that my body wants to go along for the ride.

I would really love to run a 5K/10K, but I am just not there yet. I broke my ankle in 1998, and have screws and a plate in it. I just don't want the extra strain on that joint, without my weight being much lower. I would "love" to become a runner, but I don't even want to start entertaining that idea until I am under 200 pounds. Other people may be fine with running prior to being under 200, but for me this is most comfortable. I am thinking that by the time I finish the 10K, I should be under 200 pounds, and I could start training for a 5K RUN.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I was a complete fast food junkie as a pre-op. Last night, I was really craving White Castle. I went there, and got two White Castles, and an order of fries. I ate the two White Castles without the top buns, and have 5-6 fries. I just sat there and thought about how "fast food" really doesn't have the effect it used to have on me. I really don't crave it. Even when I craved it, I was sorely disappointed with what I got.

The only things I really have been ordering at fast food places are: Chili and salad from Wendy's and occasionally chicken nuggets.

I watched the documentary with Morgan Spurlock "Super Size Me." He talked about how he really started to crave the fast food, and how he would even find himself checking his watch waiting for the next time to go get it. He went on to say how good it made him feel after having it. I can certainly relate...this was me as a pre-op. The hold that was once there, simply isn't anymore. All that makes me want to do is rejoice!

Last night I watched the movie "Norbit" starring Eddie Murphy. Several parts of the movie hit a little too close to home. I was reminded how it seems very acceptable to our society to have a laugh at a fat person's expense. (This is the second movie that Eddie Murphy has been in that has done this...the other being The Nutty Professor.) Several things that happened to Norbit's wife, stung pretty deep as I thought about my personal experiences with being SMO.

The scene that hit the hardest was they were going to a water park. You have to go through those turnstile (spelling?) booths to be admitted. His wife was struggling to get through there, and finally broke the booth. I remembered a few years ago I went to a concert with my best friend Wendy and we had to go through one of those. She went through first, and kept walking. I struggling to get through it. (Keep in mind, I was probably 50-70 pounds less than my surgery weight.) I finally got through, and raced to catch up with her so she wouldn't think anything was wrong with me. Back in August, when I went with my family to the zoo. I saw the turnstile booth again. It literally sent me into a panic. Luckily, we did not have to go through this. I am fully suspecting we will be going through when we go to Disney on vacation.

Even when I reach goal, I hope I always have a sensitivity to SMO people. Letting them know I've been there, and I know how bad it hurts. Not trying to sound pious, but I don't ever want to have a laugh at the cost of someone else's self-esteem.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I am scared about riding on the plane. I have always worried about this. I am worried that I will spill over into another seat. I am hoping that I don't need a seat belt extension. I don't want to get looks of disgust from other passengers. I don't want to have to walk "sideways" down the isle. I rode in first class to and from for my surgery. I completely filled up the first class seat, and of course, I needed the seat belt extension. I keep trying to remind myself that I don't weigh almost 400 pounds anymore, but most days I truly think the mental aspect is the hardest part of the WLS journey.

I have talked with one of my friends who is going on the vacation with me. We are going to exercise every day. She talked about a few mornings waking up early to walk the deck of the ship and watch the sun rise. I will certainly be all about swimming on the trip. I am also loving my elliptical machine, so I want to do some of that too.

Tia made some good suggestions about how she handled eating while on her vacations. It is ok to indulge on one thing a day, and try to stick to your plan the rest of the time. In thinking about her comment...this is what thin people do on vacation. They have a little bit, but don't go overboard.

Friday, November 9, 2007

This week has been so busy. I am so glad that it is Friday! One of my co-workers at the state (I see her on a monthly basis) said that I was looking so much smaller. That made me feel good.

I was craving chips so bad today. I literally had a huge battle going on in my head to justify why it would be ok to buy a .99 cent bag of chips. I ended up not getting them. I knew I didn't need them. It was still a huge struggle.

Lately, I have been comparing myself to everyone. For the first time in my life, I am not the fattest person in the room. I am constantly sizing people up and seeing where I "fit" in at. I know that this will end soon, but I am just fascinated that I am a smaller person that I have ever been in so long. I hope this doesn't seem too weird.

I got this dress from E-Bay. It was from Lane Bryant. I got it for $15. It is a size 18. Although my arms look pretty bad, overall, I think the dress looks good. Besides, I don't want to only focus on the negative. I had several 34W dresses that I could not fit into as a pre-op. I am thrilled that I can fit into an 18! I am going to take it on my vacation.

Here is picture of me in some new blue jeans. These are the best fitting jeans that I have. They are Lane Bryant Size 3 (Blue). I am guessing the size is 20/22.

My vacation is seven days away. I am scared to death now that I will gain weight on my vacation. It won't bother me if I don't lose an ounce, but I certainly don't wait to GAIN. Although I occasionally stray, I generally do like my food and shake routines that I have developed on a daily basis.

Next Thursday night, my two best friends that are going on vacation with me will be staying the night at my house. We are going to the airport early in the AM. They are both bringing down some clothes that they think might fit me. It will be interesting to see what fits, especially since clothing seems to vary so much based on whoever has designed it. I sometimes wish that women's clothing sizes were more streamlined like mens.

Although this WLS process is going so fast, sometimes I wish I could just hurry up and get to the part of maintaining my weight loss. I am trying not to think like that, but sometimes I do.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I am trying to wrap my head around my changing body. Here are a few things I've been thinking about...

I can easily wear size 18/20 in almost everything now. It is scary to me to think that next summer I could easily (and hopefully will be) out of the plus size section. I have shopped in the plus sized section every since I can remember. Even when I was young, there was a special line by Sears that mom used to get my clothes in ... "Pretty Plus" or something to that effect.

I have been in a few meetings lately. Sitting at a table, I pretty much look like everyone else. You can't tell that I am obese. I have checked this out at every single meeting I have been at.

I was talking with our secretary about how much weight I had lost, and how much more weight I wanted to lose in order to reach goal. She has been super sweet to me throughout the process, and is really genuine about her interest in my progress. When I told her that I wanted to lose another 80 pounds, she was surprised. She said she figured that I did not have that much left to lose. I am guessing that I am carrying my weight pretty well.

I am the same size as my mom, or smaller. I believe that I am smaller than her, but I have not tried on any of her clothes to confirm this.

Sometimes I just stand and look at myself naked in the mirror. I am just amazed at how my body is changing. I really have a lot less fat, especially through my belly. I still feel like my thighs are enormous...that is definitely the area where my body is losing weight the slowest.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I was a huge Coca-Cola drinker pre-op. I drank them up until the day before I had my DS. I have not had a drop since I had my DS. I would drink 4-6 cans a day. I once figured out that I had the potential to gain 52 pounds a year, just from Coca-Cola alone. There are some things that I cannot have...not even in moderation. I know that sodas are the easiest way to gain back your weight regardless of any surgery. I don't want to try diet or anything, because I don't want to give my body the chance of possibly going back on Coca-Cola.

Seven months is the longest I have gone without Coca-Cola. I am so glad that I have been off it. We had a good relationship, but at some point all relationships end. Coca-Cola....the breakup is official and permanent.

Since you have had WLS, how do your fat friends treat you? I have one significantly overweight friend (who is at least my pre-op weight, maybe more). We were great friends before I had WLS. Now, we are not so great of friends. She didn't want me to have the surgery, in fear of complications. I never bring up anything related to WLS around her. It just feels so awkward, like we are both trying to avoid the pink elephant in the room.

I have one co-worker who treats me pretty badly. I've talked about her on here before. She thought she knew everything, and tried to get me to have the lapband (because she had it). I had already done my research, and I knew that the lapband was not going to cut it for me. I know she is probably sticking needles in a vodoo doll praying that I regain every bit of my weight and then some.

I am still considering how awesome it would be to work at a place where no one ever knew that I was fat. It would just be nice to have a place once I am at goal where my "fat ghost" won't haunt me. A place where I could just blend in...

Monday, November 5, 2007

I've told you guys that I have been trying to make the scale less of a focus. I want to focus on living each day, and not checking the scale multiple times a day. I did weigh today. I weighed in at 240.8 pounds. I am down 4 pounds since I last weighed!

The Stats:

I have lost a grand total of 152.8 pounds.

I have lost 65.1% of my excess weight.

I have lost 38.8% of my body (my pre-surgery weight).

I have shaved 23.9 points off my BMI.

I am 40.9 pounds away from ONEDERLAND.

I am 49.8 pounds away from being considering just "overweight" (according to BMI).

I am 81.8 pounds away from GOAL.

I am so thrilled. I feel like a success. It is such a wonderful feeling. I want to keep going. I am encouraged. :)

Sunday, November 4, 2007

I bought a pair of PJs in a size XL! I tried on the XXL, and they were too big! These PJs were in the regular clothing section at Target, nothing to do with the "Plus" sizes!!! Also the material is so soft. I love my new red PJs. I have not bought PJs in 3-4 years.

I am looking at these new dress pants I bought, and I can't believe that I can wear these. My mom needs to hem them up, but still. I have not worn a size twenty in so long. Size 20 was the lowest size I got down to when I was taking Phen-Phen. I am really almost in completely new territory!

I have heard people on the DS board say that their weight loss was different with their DS than previous diet attempts (even for those who had lost a lot of weight). I am still almost 20 pounds away from my lowest phen-phen weight, yet I'd imagine by the time I lose another 20 pounds, I will be in a smaller size. I wonder if others who read my blog have had similar experiences along your weight loss journey with your WLS.

The other thing that amazes me is that I actually fit in these pants. Tonight I just kept staring at them. I kept thinking, my body fits in those pants. They seem so small, yet I can wear them...zipping them up and all. I am truly not accustomed to clothing this small. (I realize this is huge clothing compared to some of you all, but not for me.) I have actually put these pants on four or five times tonight. I guess just trying to make sure that it is real. Each time, thinking I won't be able to pull them up over my hips, but I can. We all face our mental blocks, and on so many days, I still see myself as a 393 pound woman, but I am not that woman anymore. Looking at these pants helps ground me in some (WONDERFUL) reality!

*I keep trying to separate the paragraphs, and Blogger keeps on mushing them together! Sorry!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.It is not just in some; it is in everyone.And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously giveother people permission to do the same.As we are liberated from our fear,our presence automatically liberates others.- Marianne Williamson (Also attributed to Nelson Mandela)

Friday, November 2, 2007

I don't even think these pictures do justice to how my body is swimming in this top and pair of jeans. The top is a 4X, and the pants are 36W. They were both TIGHT the day I had surgery. Losing 148.8 pounds really does make an amazing difference. I really have come a long way. Perhaps when I reach goal I can give my pants to the circus for clowns to wear with their suspenders.

In 1996-1997 I took Phen-Phen. I lost 90 pounds. I am 19.8 pounds away from being below the lowest weight I was while taking Phen-Phen. That puts me at the weight I was in sixth or seventh grade. I just feel like I am heading into uncharted waters. I guess my fat was always some sort of safety net for me. Now, I am losing that fat, yet I am gaining so much more. As the fat girl, I have always overcompensated in every other area trying to be recognized for other things that just being enormous.

Maybe over the next few days I will post several of the questions that are in my mind. I am not necessarily seeking answers to them, but it will be good to think them through a bit more.

Not sure if any of these AM ramblings make sense. I just needed to put out a few thoughts on my blog about the ramblings going on inside my head.

Also, on another subject, it still amazes me how different our bodies can be proportioned. A teacher asked me yesterday if I was losing weight. She had noticed a difference in me since the start of the school year. I told her I was. During her planning period, she tracked me down and was asking me questions. She revealed to me her weight. I was shocked that I weighed less than her. I guess I still really see myself as a huge huge person. (I am no small fry by any stretch of the word.) The truth is that I am no longer the fattest person in the room/building anymore. It is just weird trying to wrap my head around that thought.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

About Me

I am a 33 year old newlywed, teacher, pastor's wife, and I want to live a more full life. Change IS good!
"I have discovered in life that there are many ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go." - Langston Hughes