Thank you Amanda for letting us think out loud! Today I get to ‘ruminate’ on one of the biggest subjects I struggled with during my unhealthy relationship with food and the body that God had given me. This is why exercise can be obsessive and why it SHOULDN’T be obsessive (from my perspective, not a health professional.)

Exercise anxiety is one of the biggest things I struggled with during an eating disorder. If I missed a workout, I would break out in a cold sweat. If someone interrupted my workout, I would try to resist glaring at them. In many ways, I let my idol of exercise replace my love for others and my love for God. I put this other god before my God, and it only served to fuel an obsession, not a healthy habit.

Exercise anxiety is just another part of the idol of an eating disorder. It was my way of trying to make my body ‘good enough.’ Yet, I couldn’t ever please myself with just how ‘fit’ my body was because my whole relationship with exercise was wrong and twisted.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize about exercise.

1. God made our bodies to move. He also made a 7th day for us to rest completely in Him and worship Him in His house. He didn’t make us to run our bodies into the ground. Life is a balance of working out and rest.

2. Exercise is not an ‘end goal’ in and of itself. For me, it’s become a means of refreshing my mind and my body so I can go on doing other things like studying or doing mental work.

3. Exercise, for me, is a special time to meditate on God, to pray, and to just be quiet, while I get my heart rate pumping. It’s actually, strangely peaceful, when I just work out, don’t talk, and think about everything that’s going on in life while thinking on God’s faithfulness.

4. It’s such fun to just be active. You don’t have to burn ‘X’ amount of calories or run ‘X’ amount of miles to enjoy exercise. You can jump on the trampoline. You can do a fun video workout. You can workout for 1 minute to 60 minutes. There’s no ‘one size fits all’, and each body is so different.

5. Most importantly, every runner, athlete, exerciser, cyclist, and bodybuilder needs rest. God created us to need rest, to refresh our bodies and minds, so that we can continue to work and serve in this amazing world that He has created!

Welcome to the last of my series on my struggle with hypothalamic amenorrhea. Through my journey of struggling with my body, eating, exercise, and period, I learned one especially amazing thing. Our bodies are incredibly complex and wonderfully designed.

The body is such a sensitive instrument. My body knew that it wasn’t used to extreme exercise and severe undereating, and it reacted to my obsessive idols by shutting down one of the parts of my body that I took for granted.

It wasn’t until last year, in about October or November, that I really realized just how sensitive that balance is.

My period would come and go every 4-5 months, and I knew that a 21 year old girl like me doesn’t normally have irregular periods. There was something more than my weight that was affecting my cycle. At the time I was most definitely at a healthy, happy weight for my size, so I decided to dig a bit deeper.

Enter… Exercise. I love to move y’all. I absolutely love it. I love to stand while I work at my computer. I love to fidget even when I’m sitting in a chair, just because I like to move. Yet, after reading many blogs and personal experiences with hypothalamic amenorrhea, I concluded that the thing that was affecting my cycle the most was my regular exercise.

Now, I wasn’t even exercising 1 hour a day, most of the time. However, I did exercise 5-6 days a week, consistently, pretty much without fail. And I saw that it was time to give it up for a while, time to give my body the rest and more reparation that it needed in order to get back to my happy spot.

So, I sent an email to a couple of my closest friends to ask them that they would keep me accountable. I told them that I would make my exercise, more organic. I wasn’t going to run for at least a couple of months. Running (though fun) can be hard on the body. And I was going to do a bit of weight lifting combined with just enjoying the great outdoors with my family.

I admit. It was tough for the first few months, avoiding the running shoes, when that incredible itch came to slip them on and go out the door. Yet, for the most part, it was freeing. I didn’t feel like working out was a duty. I didn’t feel like I had to work out for at least 45″ or it wasn’t adequate. I did as much as was enjoyable, and then I stopped and went to enjoy time with my family.

Those few months were AMAZING. And in January, while I was on one of the most memorable vacations of my life in Alaska, relaxing, eating cereal, trail mix, salads, hotdogs, and all sorts of other food with my family while enjoying skiing, sledding, and hiking, my period came back!

It was amazing. I realized just how much exercise and stress combine to affect my body. To this day, I really have to temper the amount of exercise I do. I’ve realized my body can’t handle being a serial marathoner or an Ironman triathlete. Right now, it’s still healing from the damage I did to it. Yet, I am so grateful, that God truly does restore the ‘years the locust have eaten.’

His Mercies are new every morning!

To finish out I want to share some of the ‘Hypothalamic Amenorrhea’ posts and videos that were an encouragement to my journey! Keep in mind that most of these ladies aren’t medical professionals, so don’t substitute their advice for that of a doctor, but I do hope they are encouraging to you.

Ashley @ My Food n’ Fitness Diaries – ‘Hypothalamic Amenorrhea.’ (Ashley details her whole journey, and it’s so full of grace, contentment, and trust, I think her series on it would be one of the best that I’ve read.)

Claire @ Fitting it All In – ‘I Got it Back’ (Yup. This is exactly what I felt like. Claire puts it so perfectly.)

Sam @ Better with Sprinkles – ‘HA UPdate: Six Months Later.’ – Check out Sam’s entire series on ED recovery. Sam is really honest, straightforward, and transparent. She really gets to the heart of the matter with each post on ED recovery, and I love her for it!

This may seem stupid, but just bear with me while I explain some anxious thoughts I struggle with that involves travel.

I’ll start with a verse. Philippians 4:6 says, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

We are commanded to not be anxious about anything, but after a long time of rigidly controlling my habits regarding eating and being comfortable with my healthy way of eating I found it difficult and almost terrifying to anticipate road trips. I was afraid of road trip ‘junk food’, being sedentary, and fast food restaurants.

In truth, much of this fear has dissipated over the years, as I’ve been reminded that everything is in God’s control, and I need to trust Him, be grateful, and remember that God gave me hunger signals for a reason. I can go on a road trip and eat when I’m hungry, and I won’t gain weight.

However, there are a few things that REALLY help me when I go on a road trip to help not completely throw my body for a loop.

1. You’ve probably heard this before, but it’s easy to get dehydrated while traveling, because you don’t want to have to go to the bathroom all the time, but DRINK. It’s better to drink than not, and get a headache and feel gross. Trust me. I’ve tried that before :D.

2. Keep a good balance on the food. I like a few handfuls of candy, but too much is just well… too much. I like to eat apples or order a salad at the fast food. I also enjoy the ice-cream from the gas station and thank God for the milkshakes.

Trail Mix. Forgive the door in the background. 😀

3. When you get to wherever you’re going if it’s late get some good sleep. It really helps to re-set my rhythm to get in, go to sleep for a good solid 7-8 hours and get up again.

4. Move. Exercise. If you’re a runner, hit the pavement the next day. I’m planning to hit the pavement to keep the routine and schedule up. 🙂

The Life of the Writer

I live in the beautiful state of Colorado where 14ers are to give you all the sore legs you need, amazing skiing, plenty of other runners, glorious sunsets, majestic elk herds, and peaceful country roads with clear air.

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Go Back in Time!

Go Back in Time!

I am a very ordinary girl. I’m 24, but if you met me, you wouldn’t believe me. I am passionate about girls finding true beauty in Christ. I love peanut butter, icecream, and salad. My hobbies are cooking, baking, sharing laughs and tears with others, and sharing the fullness of joy that Christ has put in me. I love reading other blogs, and I hope that this will be a place where you can find encouragement, recipes, smiles, and joy. Click here to read more about me...