There isn't a really good reason why that is, but.. overall, it just sucked.

I'm friends on fb with a guy named carl. Carl was once very special in my life. He is, in fact, the one that got away. I'm not sure if he knows that, but I suspect he does. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't.

Anyway. Carl talks to me on FB chat, and that's cool. But he mostly does it when he is drinking. we talk in email at other times, but the just for fun, chatting, that happens when he's been drinking. And then comes the innuendo. I don't think he knows that it actually hurts me. What I hear is:

"You are good enough to chat with, especially when I'm drinking. But you aren't good enough to meet my family."

Now. I should say that I'm happy for him that he has a beautiful wife, with a beautiful house , and beautiful kids.. and while I kind of wish that he had those things with ME I do not in any way take away from what he does have. Does that make sense? I don't know. Maybe he can't meet me.. I don't know. I could be over reacting... not that I do that ever.

Then there is Brandon.. fucking god damned brandon. The second biggest mistake of my life was making that call to him. So what if my marriage was in shambles. So the fuck what. If i could change anything.. making that call wouldn't be what I changed, but.. it's a close second. For a year it was over. For MONTHS there was no contact. Then he had to email me on FB.. he wondered if I thought about it. If I wanted to think about it more. I told him no.. for almost two weeks I was downright hostile. But as I knew, and as he likely knew, I finally came around.. and that's when he decided to stop talking to me. HEY DOUCHEBAG. I'M GLAD I COULD BOOST YOUR EGO FOR YOU.

But the result is, here I am, sitting in the dark, alone. Thinking about how Carl didn't want me. Brandon just wanted me to blow him. He didn't even fucking LIKE me. Doesn't. How Chuck doesn't care enough to actually CARE about anything, about how Ed lied - when btw, I was SURE he'd never lie to me. (He lied by omission, albiet).

Why should I even CARE about what Carl did or does.

Why should it bother me that people don't like Brandon.

Ed? REALLY??

Chuck. Last but not least. Just givethat up already. That ship has sunk, not sailed. It's over.

I am lonely. I am fat. And the only people that are even remotely interested in me are douchebags who remember the sex - or married guys who want something on the side.

So, I injured myself over the summer. I don't know EXACTLY what I did, but I believe that I twisted my ankle .. when I was drunk. I know, surprising as it is, I think that's what happened.

Though I didn't REALIZE how hurt I really was (or how hurt I WOULD be for that matter).

At first it just hurt, then it hurt enough that I would limp after walking for a while.. then it hurt so much that even as I lay in bed it would be on fire. Ugh.

So I FINALLY went to the Dr. in December (the 26th to be exact) and he said I'd sprained my achilles tendon. Which by all accounts sucks, and takes FOREVER to heal.

I wore this boot thing that he prescribed, I got mostly better, I stopped wearing the boot, fucked the damn thing up MORE (but again, didn't realize it) and then started wearing the boot again.. only THIS time it didn't magically get better.

(By the way.. if I pay almost $300 for a boot, could I please have my toes covered.. hello snow)

About a month later (or 2 weeks ago by today's calendar) I got an in-grown toe nail in the SAME FOOT (talk about adding insult to injury) , but instead of driving all the way the hell out to my gen dr's office, I just called a podiatrist right up the street. He fixed my toe, then asked about the boot, then asked if he could take a look.. took some x-rays (no breaks).. and suggested PT.

He called my Dr. (they are apparently friends), and told ME to call my dr. .. then told me to come back in a week so he could check on my toe.

I called my Dr... who's receptionist I HATE btw.. and she said that the Dr. that wanted me to have the PT should prescribe it.. I told her what he said .. she repeated that HE should give the prescription (god, I hate that girl) so when I went BACK to him (the podiatrist, Dr. Shey) he was a little amazed, but wrote the prescription (this actually works out better for me, as he is closer.. but damn..) .

So.

Yesterday was my first PT apt.

I went in, she massaged my injured area... told me that the bump on the side of my foot (think that dip area in the middle between my tendon, my heal and my ankle) was fluid .. then put ice on it, then they gave it an ultra sound (even though I swore to them there was NO way I was pregnant).. then I got to come to work.

Today was my second appointment.. same thing, except that it all started with stretching (which I sorely need, but was afraid to do so as not to injure myself further) and some excercise bike thing.. which was also nice.

I go again on Friday, and three days a week thereafter for a month.

In only two apts, I already feel a difference.. life is good.

:)

Oh yes, I go back to Dr. Shey (podiatrist) after 2 weeks of PT for a checkup. Woo.

I'll admit it, I've always been insecure. Afraid to really TRUST that someone who said they were my friend, really was. Like so many, I have been betrayed in my heart, and that is always the hardest to heal. And whether or not that betrayal was intentional really doesn't matter. In this case of betrayal and hearts, it is how it feels that matters. And I feel alone.

I had gone to Kmart (a store that has everything from groceries to camping gear) to pick up some eggs, milk and lunch stuff. And of course, right in the middle of it all, my daughter has to GO.

so we make our way to the restroom. (Ick..) and we get in there and she goes. Well, as luck would have it as soon as I heard HER go, I had to go, and so did Alex.

So she comes out, and we (alex and I)each go into a different stall.

I come OUT of the bathroom, and my daughter's coat is on the floor, and she is NOWHERE to be found (in the bathroom)

I RUSHED to the door, opened it, and yelled "Charlotte!!"

My heart was in my throat, and I was near a panic.

She looked up from the drinking fountain and said "What?" Yes, she was ok. Yes I was grateful, but OMG that 10 seconds between seeing her coat on the floor and no charlotte, and seeing her were the longest, scariest I've had as a parent.

the kids LOVED their stockings, then after opening their presents, (everything they actually asked for btw) my daughter looks at me and says "that's all?" and starts to cry.

I took it in stride, she is only 5.. and usually I buff up under the tree with a lot of crappy things.. that I can wrap, but don't actually last very long.. I didn't do that this year. I just got what they asked for. but don't worry I still spent a bundle. I simply pointed out that she hadn't actually opened her Baby Alive.. then she was off to get the doll out of baby jail (aka the box, which ties the babies in better than more high security prisons tie prisoners up). After that, all was well.

Not too long after that I cleaned up the kitchen then made homemade french toast for everyone. Mmmm. Good stuff.

Then it was clean up ourselves, and get ready for the day. We were out of the house by 2:15, and at the family party by 2:45.. which was RIGHT on time. GO US. (we are NEVER on time LOL). Stayed there till about five, when I had to then take the kids to meet chuck so he could take them to HIS family's christmas gathering.

All is well on the way there.. on the way back.. my lights dim, my radio dies.. my battery light is flashing.. :( I get back, and tell my dad, who goes and looks.. he gets my uncle (who is a mechanic) and they decide it's the alternator this time. My dad, being as awesome as he is, ended up fixing it for me today. But with the parts from today, that brings my total for car repairs this month alone to 1500. LUCKILY I get to pay about 500 of that off NEXT month.

All in all Christmas day was really great, right up to the part where my damn car broke down again.

Then this morning, I went to the dr. appointment I had scheduled (with the help of Chuck's car).. and find out I have at some point sprained my achilles tendon. So, I get to wear this lovely cast thing for the next two months.

The good news is, with this monstrocity on it, it doesn't hurt. The bad news is.. well, a picture tells a thousand words ;)

All in all, i'm good. I don't hurt nearly as much. I am happy, despite the set backs.. life is good.

I guess that's all I got. Happy Holidays to the three people that actually read this :D

Alex has been all cuddly lately, and (as tomorrow is thanksgiving) he keeps telling me how "thankful" he is for me. It's very sweet, and heartfelt.

Conversation 1.

Background: We were at Best Buy, and their computer department is called Geek Squad. Well, at the time, alex was just beside himself..

alex "Why would ANYONE want to work there *giggle*, people will think they are GEEKS!!"

me "well they are, but that just means they really know computers. You know, when I finally get my degree, I'll kind of be a "geek" too, but I'm pretty cool..."

alex: "*snort!* You are SO not cool mom. And trust me, I know cool."

Dude, pwnd by my own kid. So I figure, it's just the "I'm old" thing, so I start mentioning people that are my ageish, and I get "no no no" then I come to rick b.

And alex says "weeeell.. he's KIND of cool. But just a little."

Really.. just a little. *shakes head* then he says "but even then mom, he's WAY cooler than you.."

dude.

*shakes head*

Conversation 2.

Charlotte comes out of the bathroom. And she says to me, " Mommy, I smelled my penis, and it smelled pretty."

so, smiling, I got down to her level, eye to eye, and I say "Sweetheart I have some bad news. You don't actually have a penis." At this she starts to well up (she's a big one for the tears), so I continue, "The good news is you have a vagina!"

She immediately starts ginning then, and says "MOMMY!! I smelled my VAGINA and it smelled PRETTY!"

My children, to date, have gone to Hazel Park schools. Hazel Park aren't BAD schools, but they aren't GREAT either.

Further, the general population of people there (sorry for the judgyness here folks) are lower middle class working folks.

Now. I have NO problem with these people, other than their <I>excessive drinking </i>(there is at least one parent that picks up his child from latchkey so drunk DAILY that he walks his kid home, and a couple more that smell like a bottle when they pick their kids up) the <I>excessive smoking</i> (EVERYONE smokes.. it's disgusting). There is a No Smoking rule on the school campus, but parents REGULARLY "sneak" smokes right in the middle of groups of kids. This may not seem like a big deal to you smokers, as it only happens outside, but it is a big deal to ME. My children spend TOO MUCH time in the hospital remembering how to breathe to have some dumb bitch smoking next to them.

And finally, another biggie, their hatred of all things not like them. Case in point, homosexuality. The gays are described by using the terms "fag" more often than not, and that's just in my general hearing. My son, even, has started to voice his dislike of the idea of two men being together.

This comes DIRECTLY from the school (and yes, I DO mean his friends from school in this case - his friends who have ignorant, hateful parents no less), as we have an exceptionally open/liberal home in this area. I have never hidden the fact from him that his godfather (Uncle Jason) lives with Uncle Stephen. Or that they are married, very casually referring to them as "Uncle Jason and Uncle Stephan" (for instance) "are coming over"

Now. Having said all this, I must also point out that my child has gotten into a lot of trouble the last couple of years in class. And while I do grace him with his fair share of the blame, I also blame the school, and the teachers. Of the thirty kids in class, 20 will be average, 5 will be relatively slow, and 5 will be smarter than the rest, right? (yes, this is a generalization). While my son doesn't get on the "Principal's list" he is none the less, not a sheep. He thinks for himself, and challenges the status quo.. which by the way, doesn't go over at all well with the teachers. But, instead of fostering that inquisitive mind, they beat the kid down.

Since he's been out of school, the stress level in my SIX year old, has gone down considerably. He doesn't fly into a rage anymore, ever. And I truly and honestly believe that it is in a large part due to he's not so worried about getting in trouble in school that it sets him off everywhere else. (He finally gave up trying to please his teacher, she didn't ever give him even one break.. she is a horrible person).

So, onto the <B>Now</b>

Charlotte is going into Kindergarten, and Alex into 2nd grade. many schools are now offering "all day kindergarten". Some are free, some are not. Hazel Park offers free all day kindergarten, and Royal Oak (where I live now) has a pilot program for free all day kindergarten. 2 schools have it, most do not. The school that my kids will attend does not have the free program.

Now to the meat and potatoes of this whole post.

If I stay in Hazel Park Shcools.. I'd probably leave both kids in the same school. Latchkey would be $400 a month.

If I bring them both to Royal Oak, I will have to pay for the second half of the day in the kindergarten for Charlotte, and for for both of them in latchkey. (She MAY get into one of the free programs, but not necessarily) If I have to pay, it'll be $470 a month for everything. Only $70 a month MORE than it would be to leave them in a school I hate.

(by the way, before this, during the school year, I was paying $750 a month in child care, and during the summer it's $800 a month.. so I can totally do $470)

I am relieved. I am happy. I feel like I can do what is best for my kids, despite the cost.