Monday, August 9, 2010

Distractions

I'm distracted. Fidgety. Can't quite sit still but can't quite get anything done. My house is awreck. There are unwashed dishes, a mountain of laundry (I've heard someone once call it Mount Washmore), toys in every corner, books strewn on every surface. A complete disaster. And it's so unlike me! I wouldn't say I'm the kind of girl to have a floor so clean you could eat off of it but I do take pride in a tidy house. I wash the dishes as soon as the meal is over. I have the kids pick up before nap and before bed. I make my bed every day. But I seem to have fallen into a rut and my day to day chores aren't getting done. And if I don't do them, I guarantee there is no one else willing to pick up the slack.

This is not to say my hubby isn't helpful. He is. He has his chores and I have mine. His main "chore" is to go to a job he doesn't like that much and bring home the money we need to live. I honor that. His home duties are limited but he never flinches if I ask him to break out the vacuum or fold a basket of clothes. However, I try to avoid asking for his help because 1) I'm too proud and 2) the home is supposed to be my job. And usually, there is no problem with the way things are set up. I like keeping house, if you can call it that. I like making a haven for my family. Do I like cooking? No. But I like providing healthful meals for my growing babies. Do I like cleaning? Who does? But I like that my family has a safe and sanitary environment in which to live their lives.

Simplifying my life has actually led to more work. Not so simple, right? Now instead of whipping out the Clorox wipes I take out my measuring cups and my essential oils, mix a batch of non-toxic all purpose spray, pour it into a recycled spray bottle and finally, proceed with the wiping of my countertops. Or what about dinner? Many nights I'm in the garden figuring out what's ready to be harvested, picking, pulling, washing and finally chopping and cooking. It takes me much longer to do things that used to take me all of five minutes. And though I do gain a heartfelt satisfaction from living my life this way, my already long to-do list remains long, almost never ending. It's when I lose sight of this satisfaction and focus instead on the endless list of things to be done that I get disheartened and overwhelmed. My train derails and things start to pile up. And I start feeling....well...kinda funky.

So here I am. Buried in laundry and dishes and dust bunnies. Finding every excuse I can. Trying to regain the pride and satisfaction of keeping my home running smoothly. Why do I feel that sometimes it is not enough? Does it make a me a terrible wife and mother? I want nothing more than to be here, raising my babies and watching them grow. Why then am I glaring at my mop and resorting to pre-cooked frozen dinners I won't normally touch with a ten foot pole?

I need to de-funk. A nap, a think, a cup of tea and good cry may be in order. This is what I want for myself and for my family. I just need to find my balance.

6 comments:

I find myself in "funks" as well. Usually I have no idea what is causing it, and the only thing that makes it go away is time. Don't make yourself feel guilty about this, we all go through it in our own unique way. Maybe try changing up your routine(as much as possible with young kids) and do whatever it is you feel you need to do. A couple frozen meals will not kill your kids, and it will help your sanity during this strange time. Before you know it, you will be back feeling like your old self again. Although your new lifestyle may seem so much more difficult than your previous one, just keep reminding yourself that it is both better for your children and for this wonderful planet we all call home. I am also slowly changing our entire lifestyle to be more green. Don't feel that you need to be perfect all the time, just be you. It will all make sense soon enough.

I know how you're feeling...making whole-wheat noodles with pesto and steamed veggies is a bit more time-consuming than making a box of KD...and sometimes it's so tempting to go over to the dark side of processed food just to save yourself an hour in the kitchen...my entire house is in absolute disarray and inertia has taken over. I just can't get at it. Sigh. Your post was so well-written. I think many women could relate to it. But guess what...you can look forward to a parcel in the mail next week...your hat is done! There don't you feel better already?

Every mom had these days, weeks, months and sometimes years! Don't feel guilty about it; know that you are totally normal. This spring when we moved into our new house I got on a great routine of doing one deep cleaning activity (dusting, mopping, bathroom cleaning, vacuuming, etc.) everyday, I was meticulous about picking up the toys, staying on top of laundry and cooking homemade meals. I felt great at the end of the day when the girls and I had been productive, had fun and eaten healthy.But for some reason this summer I just haven't been able to keep up the routine. Our house is filthy, the laundry gets behind constantly, there have more servings of store bought Mac N cheese then I care to admit and the gardens are completely overrun. But I try to keep in mind that I think this is pretty normal, my kids will survive with store bought food and my house won't fall down just because the bathroom isn't spotless. Good luck with your funk and hopefully this fall will help us both snap out of it!

I went to a memorial a few days ago for a friend's wife who was a lung/heart transplant survivor who lived 16 healthy years with donor organs. Her lungs slowly started to reject, tho, so she got another lung a few months ago but it didn't take. She was 37. It was a sad occasion that led me to think about Treelan, so for days I needed a good cry. Usually if I drink (depressant) I'm more likely to cry, if something is bothering me. Went out last night and got D-runk and cried and feel great today! :) Perhaps a girl’s night out is in order!