I’ve been wanting for years to introduce a “what’s your scariest holiday shopping moment” topic, where we share stories about the time a screaming match broke out over a lone Nintendo Wii, or as children we watched seven people get hospitalized in a knife fight over the last Cabbage Patch doll. (Be proud, Generation Xers — our parents pretty much invented this s—.) But I have no good examples. I hate crowds, and only go to malls at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday.

One of the things that makes this so entertaining is Gen’s relentlessly positive demeanor, which seems to range from sunny to full-on Carol Brady. This is not a person who has to throw down often.

It also confirms my feelings, and virtually ensures that I’ll never ever enter a busy toy store, Target or Macy’s without a tranquilizer gun and maybe a few smoke grenades. There’s something about the mix of parents, the holiday shopping season and fad toys that makes people act really, really crazy.

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.