Stepdad and daughter with ADHD

Hi my daughter is 11 now and has been diagnosed with ADHD. She does not take meds. She gets therapy twice a week and has slowly been getting better with her grades, concentration and boundaries .....
However at home she talks excessively, is very hyperactive in her being and doing. Now she is also getting to that age of talking back and other usual teenage stuff.
Her real dad has no visitation rights and has not seen her since she was 4. Stepdad has been in her life ever since, he is a good dad and we now have 2 more kids.
He accepted her at first and now hates her and says so....he does not believe she will ever become anything in her life and can't stand that she is just like her real dad ( who he knew) he threatens me that he will leave all of us because of her. He does not want to put anymore energy in her!! I am always in the middle of things trying to make this work....he admits that he is mean to her and just can't handle it. I think he is being selfish and childish. How come I can look at her like a person and he always sees my ex?
There is always more to the story, but any advice is welcome.
Should I put my daughter on meds ? How can I make stepdad change his attitude? My daughter really is trying to change but there are still issues she must address herself.....

Reading this makes me angry and brings back so many unpleasant memories for me...

My middle daughter was bi-polar and had ADD. It was a challenge, many heartaches and ups and downs. She was on meds for a while and did counseling...the whole nine yards. The cool thing is that she and her husband have a beautiful family, are expecting a baby, have decent jobs, are hard working, are wonderful parents and have a good life. So, she turned out fine. She had to learn some things the hard way and she put me through some hellish things on occasion. She is still bi-polar and still has ADD, but she has learned how to deal with these things to become an upstanding member of society.

Your daughter is 11. She is still a child. Your husband is acting like a child and needs to grow up. I think family counseling would be in order here. I don't think I would classify him as a good dad if he is openly expressing his hatred for her, especially if he is saying it in front of her and "being mean" to her. That is abusive behavior. He is going to cause more problems for her to overcome and he is supposed to be an adult. I would rather see him walk out the door than to see him destroy your daughter by treating her like the "ugly step daughter."

Unfortunately, you can't make him do anything or change his attitude. He has to do that on his own. Counseling can make a difference if he is willing to attend and willing to make changes in his behaviors and attitudes. How would he feel if one of his own children were treated the way he treats her? Does he want to be treated that way?

The man to whom I was married when my daughter had the most problems caused more damage for her to overcome. It was a similar attitude. He was just downright hateful to her. I didn't stay with him, however, the damage was done. It was overcome, but it didn't have to be that way and I regret that I didn't leave him sooner.

Medications are good sometimes as long as you start out small and gradually increase until you find what gives your daughter a good balance. Just enough to help her, but no more. She will still be hyper and talkative, but that's ok. You just want enough to take the edge off. As she learns to deal with the ADHD, she can gradually step down and eventually, possibly deal with it on her own without meds.