Turn-ons: Middle-class
Caucasians, border inspectors, long walks on the beach

Turn-offs: Mexicans, mixed
breeds, cold weather

How I Became The BEAST PAGE
3 Utterly Superfluous Feature Story: I have no fucking clue. Why
the hell a paper purporting to cover Buffalo would run me, a local
interest story from 3,000 miles away, is totally beyond me. I even
refer to my original publisher, San Diego Citybeat, in the text of
my story. That plus the lack of teasers for other stories on the cover
makes me think that ArtVoice must have been eating their deadline
pretty damn bad. Even so, couldn't an AAN member get a more appropriate
reprint than this? Nobody from Mexico wants to sell you a puppy, Buffalo,
sick or otherwise.

Future Plans: Oh, I'll
be spending another week or so in bathrooms and blowing around in
alleys around Western New York, but after that it's back into my writer's
portfolio for me. I don't expect to ever see the light of day again
after that, at least not this far east.

How I would like to be remembered:
If I have just scared the crap out of one middle-aged housewife
in Akron for no good reason whatsoever, then my meaningless remote
publication will have been worth it. I'd also like to be remembered
as more visually appealing than blank white space, and a good excuse
to print pictures of cute puppies. Ole!