June 23, 2009

Happy is as happy does

It's amazing that even though I'm now a wife, mother, and respectable working professional, I still have the overwhelming tendency to act like just like I did in high school. Putting off major projects until the last minute. Staying up ridiculously late. Pissing my time away because I don't have the wherewithal to focus. Or the ever-popular combo of staying up ridiculously late to finish a major project at the last minute only to piss my time away. Case in point: Last night I brought my laptop home to work on a draft of an article I've pledged to complete by Friday, only I've been so excited about scoring tickets to see Tori Amos in August that instead I fooled around on her Web site, searched for videos of favorite songs on YouTube, and searched for reviews of her latest album, a CD I'm desperately trying to make sense of. Two college degrees and I still don't know what she's singing about half the time. Some things never change.

But some things do. Things at home are still rocky on the maintainence front, and I often wonder if there will ever be a time where two baskets of laundry won't be sitting in our bedroom waiting to be folded, but I've worked on my priorities some to accommodate my new fitness regimen. After the kids are asleep, instead of picking up or working or freelancing or whatever, I've taken to shredding and showering right after (if from that statement you've concluded that before I was going to bed a hot, sweaty mess, you, my friend, would be right). Not only does this new plan have me exercising when I'm likely to have more energy, it's also a tangible way to prove to myself that personal health is more important to me than the state of my house. As of this morning I noted a loss of 8.4 pounds on the scale, and when packing for my overnight trip to Springfield, Missouri, I was able to include a pair of "transitional pants" I bought near the end of my maternity leave with Kara. I couldn't even button them a couple of months ago, so even though they still leave a faint trace of muffin top, I am immensely proud.

Aside from the weight loss, I'm not really noticing any other changes in my body---my arms aren't buffer, and my abs continue to be held hostage by my massive waterbed of a gut--but it's making all the difference in my mental health, I think, encouraging me to look beyond my comfort zone and experiment with new things. I've talked before about my company's willingness to sponsor employees in races throughout the city, so Luke and I participated in a 5K for prostate cancer a few weeks ago. I mainly did it as a way to incorporate a new fitness activity and enjoy some time outdoors; it wasn't until after walking the first mile did I realize this would actually be work, traipsing over hills and around bends and through globs of people who were there to honor a loved one, or even honor themselves. It was a great night, and while I don't count walking 3.2 miles in an hour and thirty-one seconds anything extraordinary, I already have visions of maybe possibly trying to run the Indianapolis Marathon's 5K in October. Many of the shredheads just finished a couch-to-5K program that I might take up closer to the time of the race (at which point I hope to invest in my first pair of running shoes), and to keep the momentum going, I'll also be doing the BlogHer 5K next month. Luke, Kara, and Nathan will be joining me in Chicago while I attend BlogHer Business as well as the general conference, and Luke was initially worried about managing the kids by himself that morning, so I volunteered to take Nathan along in the baby carrier. Quality time with my baby boy while enjoying the Windy City's lakeshore? Count me IN.

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This afternoon, Nathan had his four-month appointment, and typically before he begins his examination of the baby, our pediatrician asks how Luke and I are doing. I talked about exercising and bouncing back at work a little more smoothly than last time, and then I proceeded to talk about everything Nathan's been doing, smiling and cooing and rolling over with a vengeance (so much so that he's waking himself up at night; what's up with that?), and I must have been pretty enthusiastic because he made a point to comment on it.

"You sound good," he said as I nuzzled Nathan's neck and kissed his cheek (my son's, not the doctor's). "You look happy."

And I am. I feel like for the first time in my experience as a parent, I'm making good on my promise to take better care of myself, and I'm no longer using my kids as an excuse to avoid fulfilling my potential. Sure, it'll be awhile before I carve out any significant time away from home, and it's not like I'm running out to accomplish world peace, but it's amazing how a twenty-minute workout video has inspired me to examine other areas of my life. I'm ready to start thinking about the big picture again, the goals I have for my personal life and for my family with Luke and my relationships with other people. I want to be more a part of things outside myself and see how I fit in the world. I want to stop getting angry about things I can't change and be proactive about the things I can. Luke and I have recently started going to our neighborhood Episcopal church on Sundays, which I've enjoyed immensely. We talk about finding baby-sitters closer to home and one day take up running together. Today I opened a book for the first time since January and actually started to read it. It's Eat, Pray, Love, and I can't think of a better way to embark on this new life journey than delve into somebody else's. I really love it so far.

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The first part of this entry was written last night at home, but I'm finishing it in Springfield, where I'm spending the night so I can ride along on some sales calls with one of our reps in the area tomorrow. Once again, it was a bitch to leave my family behind, but on the other hand, being able to read something other than a magazine in a place other than the bathroom for longer than ten minutes? Well, there are worse things in life, let me tell you.

(Still, though, I'd rather be at home.)

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Finally, because you all have been such good sports about my sporadic posting and complete negligence in sharing adorable pictures of my kids, I leave you with this:

My little tornado of fun currently clocks in at 14 lb 12 oz, putting him in roughly the fiftieth percentile for weight, and at twenty-six and a half inches, he's close to the seventy-fifth percentile for height. But when it comes to being joyful, he's off the charts.

(I'd upload a photo of Kara, too, but this is all I had in my e-mail. Luke, if you read this tonight, be a dear and send one to me, will you? We're all about fairness here.)

Edited to add: Thanks, honey.

Kara turned a year and a half last week. Where does the time go? I swear she was just in my belly.

It's always a cheerful experience to pop open my blog reader in the morning and see a post from you. Then when I read your entry I think of twenty-seven things to comment on...until I see baby pictures. And then all I've got after that is Awwwww! Look how sweet! How BIG! How sitting!!!! Holy cripes! (You realize there is a solid chance Nathan's feet will pound the pavement before Marin, even with their five month difference? Haha.)

I'm so glad things are coming together for you. An exercise program does amazing things, for sure. I'm feeling it, too, both physically and mentally. Thanks for pulling me on-board.

You seem to be getting everything in order. I bet as you meet more people at church, you can find a babysitter or two you trust (maybe even another set of parents that you can trade off with for day-time babysitting). Hope the trip goes smoothly and you get back home today!

Isn't it funny how after a while, the balance between Being A Mom and Being A Woman just kind of... happens? I think back to that first year and the guilt I felt over doing anything for myself. And I'm not sure when exactly it changed, but it did. It's so much better now! I don't have the 2 kids, of course (God Bless You!) but I think the adjustment period is similar regardless. Good for you for the 8+ pound loss!!

Good for you! I find that when I take care of myself I feel good and when I feel good I AM good. Everything else falls into place if I can find a way to sqeeze myself in. I thought it would be easier as a SAHM but really its not. I still have to schedule it and force myself a lot of the time but its always, always worth it.

Your kids are getting so BIG! How did that happen? Who said they could do that??

I'm so glad to hear how well you're going. Regardless of the fit of your clothes or the number on your scale, I think you're getting the biggest benefit out of your regular exercise: the good feeling that comes from taking care of yourself. Keep up that good work! You deserve it.

Darn it! This is so what I get for abandoning my blog-reading for so long. I'm ten minutes from Springfield! I would have bought you margaritas to quell your homesick-ness. The kids are looking adorable as usual - can't believe what a KID Kara looks like.

Congrats on your weight loss! I gotta say, the 20 minutes a day DO make a huge difference. I think the Shred is one of the first things we've all done for ourselves since we all had our babies and it's great! (Though I 100% fell off the bandwagon during vacation and now must start over...but I didn't gain any weight while I was gone, so that's good!)

I think our little circle of blog pals is hitting a milestone. We all seem to be reclaiming our sense of self and figuring out how to be women AND moms. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Hope you had a good trip!

"It's amazing that even though I'm now a .......respectable working professional, I still have the overwhelming tendency to act like just like I did in high school. Putting off major projects until the last minute. Staying up ridiculously late. Pissing my time away because I don't have the wherewithal to focus."
You wrote the perfect description of me here too!

I was delighted to discover today that you had a personal blog, as I have enjoyed reading your Parents blog. I can totally relate to your frustrations over your house and laundry. It never seems like there are enough hours in the day. I have a habit of pushing off exercising myself. Even though I know it's important for my health and that I feel better after doing it.

Reminders

"The Lord is my helper,
I will not be afraid.
What can anyone do to me?"
- Hebrews 13:6
"The best way out is always through."
- Robert Frost
"Breathe, pray, be kind, stop grabbing."
- Anne Lamott
"Mere completion is a rather honorable achievement in its own right."
- Liz Gilbert
"When we tell our stories,
we change the world."
- Brené Brown