I believe I emailed you about 3 years ago when I was battling some pretty dark intrusive
thoughts, but I can't remember if it was you for sure.
Anyway, I could use some prayer
and help again...
That original battle raged on for about a year, and suddenly, almost as fast as they came
on, they were gone. I lived for 3 years in joyful bliss
without anxiety or fear, and for that I am very thankful.
During those 3 years my husband started a business and we had our first child.
But lo and behold, now they are back. About 2 months ago my parents neighbor committed
suicide.

My mother, not knowing that I am very sensative to
death, especially suicide stories, told me too much detail
about what had happened. At first it didn't bug me at
all. Then about a month later, a celebrity committed suicide. This didn't really bug
me that much at first either, but something triggered, and
now I am having intrusive suicidal thoughts, and they are
terrifying me. Three years ago when I battled intrusive thoughts I had
some of these thoughts as well, and my mind kept recalling
every suicide story I had ever heard of and I was getting
very sensative and emotional about them.

Along with the
intrusive suicidal thoughts, I had intrusive thoughts and fear that I was going to
murder someone. That terrified me so much as well. I can now not even turn on the tv and watch the news
because it disturbs me so much, and there's so much
murder. How can I guard myself from the world though when
the world is so cursed? Have you found relief from your thoughts? I was just reading your blog
post www.valueoftruth.org/encourage/intrusive.html

Your situation is very common among Christians. Many go through this sort of battle. And you most certainly have my sympathy!

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5

Have you ever read the book, "Tortured for Christ?" The book was a first hand account written by Richard Wurmbrand who suffered at the hands of the communists in Romania during the time of the Soviet Union. He spent several years in solitary confinement, and also during his stay in the general prison population, he suffered very badly with brain washing. Imagine having no physical Bible to read, and then imagine being subjected to constant brain washing. In his book, he claimed that everyday for nearly 16 hours, they would play tapes over and over again which would repeat the same thing, "There is no God, there is no God, etc."

Adolf Hitler once said that if you tell a lie for long enough and loud enough, people will start to believe it. Whether that is true or not is irrelevant, but as far as we can see, for a person like Richard Wurmbrand who knew there is a God, and who knew him personally, this kind of torture really took its toll on his mind. In the end, he came out of this torture and became the founder of the Voice of the Martyrs ministry.

Why do I tell you this story? Because if you meditate on things that on wrong for too long, you might start to believe them. It is called self deception. Also we see that the Devil "deceiveth the whole world," - Revelation 12:9. The devil knows this tactic all too well, and he works overtime day and night to deceive. By knowing these truths, we can better prepare and arm ourselves for the battle.

Ben Hur is considered one of the greatest movies of all time. In the movie, the main antagonist in the movie whose name is Messala is having a conversation in which the question was asked to him, "You can break a man's skull. You can arrest him. You can throw him into a dungeon. But how do you fight an idea?" His response was incredible because he responded, "You ask how to fight an idea. Well, I'll tell you how... with another idea!"

How do you beat these mind games? With another idea. How do you defeat brain washing? With another idea. How do you defeat unwanted evil thoughts? With another idea.

This is absolutely essential to mental warfare because the battle begins in the mind. Lies have to be fought with truth. Evil has to be defeated with good. There is an online news company (I'm sure you have heard of it) called InfoWars led by Alex Jones, and the caption for this company is, "Because there is a war on your mind!" My friend, there is a WAR on your mind, FOR REAL.

Recently, the movie titled Logan came out in which Wolverine had to battle and defeat an evil version of himself that his enemies had created. This same kind of battle goes on inside each one of us. This evil version of ourselves (we call sin) is our greatest enemy. We think that the devil is the worst enemy we have. He's not. We are our worst enemy.

I know you are battling these evil thoughts of suicide. And let me give you a battle prayer to defeat these thoughts. I want you to have the peace and love that God offers to everyone. And I want you to pray this prayer every day you have these evil thoughts.

"Lord God, I am praying to you today for your help. I never want to commit suicide and the thought of suicide troubles me terribly. I don't want my friends or my family to ever do that. And I am doing everything I can to think on other things. I pray against suicide. I pray that it would never truly be in my mind or my heart. I want to live and I want to experience the life that you have for me. I know that evil thoughts are not of you and I pray against them. These are intrusive thoughts and they go against my will. I feel as if my mind is being intruded or raped with bad thoughts and I don't want them. I pray Lord Jesus that you would help me. Help me to get the victory over these things I am begging you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

I would suggest that if this prayer is not tailored specifically to your exact situation, then sit down when you have a minute and really think about the exact prayer that you want to bring before God and write it down. I am telling you that this will help you tremendously. Also, if you don't know what to pray, then I suggest reading Psalms 88. It says the following:

"O LORD God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee:
2 Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry;
3 For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.
4 I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength:
5 Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand.
6 Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.
7 Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. Selah.
8 Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up, and I cannot come forth.
9 Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: Lord, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee.
10 Wilt thou shew wonders to the dead? shall the dead arise and praise thee? Selah.
11 Shall thy lovingkindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?
12 Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?
13 But unto thee have I cried, O Lord; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee.
14 Lord, why castest thou off my soul? why hidest thou thy face from me?
15 I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted.
16 Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors have cut me off.
17 They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about together.
18 Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness."

Prayer works and I suggest doing it EVERDAY until the thoughts cease. This is what Richard and other prisoners had to do even when they were subjected to the most agonizing torture. And they will tell you that prayers may not have been answered immediately but the peace which prayer brings can sometimes be immediate. This is why prayer is so essential to the believer.