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NEW YORK–in a bold move, the United Nations Security Council today warned the Syrian government that continued human-rights violations could lead to a series of further warnings.

“Make no mistake,” said Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. “If the Syrian regime continues to kill unarmed civilians, commit ethnic cleansing, and use hunger and terror as weapons, the United Nations will not hesitate to issue strongly-worded press releases.” Ki-Moon went on to add that the international body would condemn genocide “as many times as it takes” until the government changed its behavior, or until the Sun burned out and the Earth became a lifeless icy husk.

The UN statement also had harsh words for the Syrian rebels, who also stand accused of war crimes. “If we continue to receive credible reports of violations, we will have no choice but to send investigators to rebel-held territory, where they will sit in their hotel rooms, unable to move for security reasons, until we choose to withdraw them,” said Ki-Moon.

Observers were surprised by the strength of the UN’s warning. “We were all expecting a mild slap on the wrist,” said Wolf Blitzer. “But this moderate slap on the wrist–it’s unprecedented.”