Regretful Childhood

My dad would disappear for days and would return short-tempered with blood shot eyes, coming down off of something. My mom was mentally unstable and would fluctuate between bouts of extreme paranoia and rage. She nailed blankets and tablecloths over the windows. She said it was to block out any light from escaping so nobody would know we were there. She said people would hurt us or drop bombs on us if they knew where we were. His return would be marked by a huge fight with dishes being thrown, threats being made and possibly carried out. We (the kids) would spend the next day tiptoeing over broken glass and short-tempers. He would fall into rages. I was whipped with a cord leaving painful welts when I was 6 because I was near the television when the tube blew out. Another time I was playing in my room when he was coming down off something. I made too much noise for him. He stormed in, eyes blazing,nostrils flaring, and swung a broom as hard as he could into my thigh. I had deep bruising that seemed to take months to fade. When I was about 12 my mom would come into my room night after night and say over and over in a spiteful voice "You are stupid, ugly, and fat. You are stupid, ugly, and fat." Decisions I made because I thought it was the right thing to do were criticized and I was called stupid, for example I found money on the ground and grave it to a teacher so someone could claim it if they had lost it. My dad called me stupid and said I should have taken it. Not everything was bad but it was bad enough. I have no desire to have children. I never want to treat someone the way they treated me. I don't think I would but it is not worth considering. They had so much darkness in them and couldn't resist forcing it into the poor kids that were unfortunate enough to be born to them.

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@MsBipolar. I applied for scholarships and financial aid and got a full ride for my first year of college. I moved out at 18 as soon as the dorm accepted students. Since then I've made my home a great place that my other siblings can come to. My youngest sister has lived with me during the summers since she was 16, then finished high school early and moved in with me at 17 and has lived with me on and off since but is now doing great in another state working at a veterinary clinic. My other sister is a few years younger than me and has lived with me on and off as she travels across the country for her business as a wilderness guide. My brother left at 18 and went into the Navy and they have paid for his culinary schooling. We all left at 17-18 and are all pretty happy. We all tend to fall into dark spells or depression sometimes because of what we have experienced but we are able to connect with each other and find humor in it. Like the time my mom threw a frozen turkey at me and it broke the window... When I am feeling depressed my mom's words will run in a litany in my head and it can be hard to get away from.

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