Today I went to PF Changs with my posse to obliterate some food, using only my teeth and my digestive system.

That was much better…

This was my first time going to this restaurant, but it was highly recommended by my sister, who is a food connoisseur (or maybe she’s just greedy—I’m not sure). I went a little overboard with my hunger and I ordered two mixed drinks and a large meal, but I paced myself and demolished the meal in a polite manner.

After conquering the main course we ordered dessert, which was served in a shot glass. My strawberry shortcake shot was approximately the size of seven quarters stacked on top of one another, but oh my was it GOOD! As soon as I started to really enjoy the dessert it was finished and the portion was too small to make its way down my esophagus; therefore, it was a 0 calorie meal. How’s that for diet food!!

All in all, the food was great, but I did NOT appreciate the weird chef staring at me through the kitchen window with a weird serial-killer look on his face. It made me very uncomfortable, to say the least, and I don’t even want to think about what he might’ve done to my food.

This weekend my peoples and I went to a Chinese food market to purchase random foods for taste testing. This experiment was especially scary because none of the words on the foods’ packaging were in English. There were questionable foods which were brightly colored and vacuum packed with a smiling orange dragon on the packaging. The packages did not give any inkling of a hint about what the food might be and I was nervous.

We left the store with $70 worth of stuff and then we retreated back to the car to taste each food. Most of the foods were sweet and tasty, but there was one item that tasted like curdled soymilk and astroturf. This food had a marshmellowy look and a pretzely texture and, worst of all, when I chewed it it bit me back. I promptly spit this faux-dessert out of my mouth and moved onto the next item.

All-in-all everything tasted alright at best. It was a good experience that I will probably never do again, since I probably endangered my life by possibly eating Ancient Chinese Preserved Dragon.

After many bad experiences with my last dentist I decided to take the plunge and switch dentists. This “event” occurred 2 weeks ago, but because of all of the trauma and distress that I experienced, I had to wait 2 weeks to calm my nerves to write about it.

I walked into the dentist and let them know that I was interested in becoming a patient and that I would need an appointment for a checkup and a cleaning. The secretary looked into her “BIG-BOOK-OF-APPOINTMENTS” and asked, “how’s two o’clock?” This thing was going way better than I thought!!! I was able to secure an appointment the same day.

Three hours later, I went back to the dentist for the appointment and the dentist’s assistant took me in the room to take x-rays. After the x-rays, she began to clean my teeth, but her method was a little bit unorthodox. Instead of using the sharp poking thing to clean each tooth, she ripped every single tooth out my mouth and cleaned it while she held it in her hand. Well, I’m not exactly sure what she did, because I was too busy bleeding to notice.

Just when I thought the painful experience was over, she took out a piece of floss.

………dramatic pause………

She passed the floss down one side of the tooth, then brought it up on the other side of the tooth. HOW WAS THAT POSSIBLE?!

Was it over?? Not at all—it was just beginning!

Now, this woman has caused severe emotional and physical damage to me by using a sharp poking thing and a piece of dental floss, so when she pulled out a drill, I feared for my life. She put a buffing bit at the tip of the drill to polish my teeth, but with every whirr of the drill, I felt more and more of my teeth’s enamel being scraped off.

When the appointment was over and I got out of the chair, all of my teeth fell out of my mouth onto the floor of the office. Instead of asking her to fix it for me, I just stuck them all into my pocket and glued them back in using crazy glue when I got home.