24 February 2010

Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time, saying, “Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it the message that I tell you.” So Jonah arose and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord. Now Nineveh was an exceedingly great city, three days' journey in breadth. Jonah began to go into the city, going a day's journey. And he called out, “Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!”

The outcome Jonah had prophesied against the city of Nineveh did not occur. In the end the citizens of Nineveh repented and nothing horrible happened to their city. This displeased Jonah because he knew that some people would try to discredit the words God had told him to speak. They would claim, "We were right, nothing happened to our city just like we thought." But it's easy to confuse God relenting for God not existing, or not caring.

God used this story to demonstrate his mercy, his patience, and his steadfast love. Jonah feared that those who did not care, who smugly reassured themselves that God would do nothing, would take credit for God's mercy. However, it was not the righteousness of the doubtful that prevented God from overthrowing the city. Rather, it was the surrender of the faithful which caused God to relent. Jonah simply had to obey, what happened next was not in his hands.

21 February 2010

Jeff ordered a strawberry banana smoothie from Earl's place and offered me a sip. It brought me back to my childhood, to when my dad used to make strawberry banana milkshakes for me and my brother. He'd reward us for doing something very difficult or requiring much patience. Like after mowing the yard, front and back. Or after sitting quietly through a long road trip. Or after a visit to the doctor's.

On the way home he'd go to the grocery store and buy bananas and strawberry ice cream. He'd go into the cupboard and pull out the blender and some cinnamon. He'd go into the fridge and grab the milk. I remember feeling especially loved on those days, although I don't even remember how the milkshakes tasted, nor do I have a shred of evidence to prove they ever existed. It's never the milkshakes that make you feel loved, but the places those who love you will go.

I ordered a coffee and a 1.5 liter aquafina. Later I noticed that the seal on the cap of my water bottle was cracked open a bit. It brought me back to India. We'd check and double-check the caps to make sure we weren't drinking out of reused bottles filled with Indian tap water which has been who knows where. But even sealed bottles were suspect. We had to drink in faith.

I've been to India twice now, and who knows if I shall ever return. God willing, I will be back. But so many times in the past have I made plans and set them in stone only to have them broken and glassed. There is a saying, "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can never see further than the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." I think the story of our lives is written in much the same way. Only the author knows where I'll be.

19 February 2010

Every situation I've encountered in life I've subjected to rigorous problem solving. For the most part, it works. I find myself in very comfortable positions, safe from harm, and far from suffering. I avoid pain at all costs, setting up the very structure of my life to be as pain-free as possible.

Yet sometimes the pieces don't fit, and you can't force them to. What's wrong with you is so deeply embedded within you that it becomes a part of you. It slowly spreads like a cancer and the only way for you to live is to have surgery to remove it. That is why we go to the doctor. We must be healed. The good doctor will continue the surgery until it is complete, and he will not relent at our shortsighted pleading.

In the beginning I would find fault in the girls who did not like me. I thought they were shallow and superficial, insincere and deceptive. I blamed them for not seeing in me what I felt they should have been able to see. I blamed them for not being able to look past the surface.

I am beginning to come to terms with the idea that maybe they were right after all. Maybe I am not as great as I think I am. Maybe I don't actually deserve to be liked by anyone. Maybe my worst fears are come true. The reason they didn't like me wasn't because I am ugly on the outside. The real reason they didn't like me is because I am ugly on the inside.