Jesus Christ: The Last Interview...

Jesus: "Hey, who's the white guy? Me? HAHAAHA! I'm from the Middle East! How could I look like Greg Louganis?

Jesus Christ: The Last Interview, Part 1.

Jesus Christ of Nazareth: From his birth in less than stellar conditions, to a non-descript young life, until he began his ministry with John the Baptist at age 30, He has made a big splash in just a few short years.

Most importantly, his followers believe Him to be the Messiah, the Savior promised in the Old Testament. His detractors, including high-ranking members of the Roman Parliament and leaders in his own religion believed Him to be -at best- a deluded teacher.

And at worst, a heretic.

Christ did not face trial for these charges, but He did face death by crucifixion. 1970-odd years later, He sat down with anthonyrosania to discuss this all.

Q: Good afternoon, Lord.

A: Good afternoon to you, my son.

Q: Let's get right into this. Your own religion, Judiasm, rejects the notion that you are the awaited Messiah, because you haven't fulfilled the Messianic prophecies in the Tanakh.

A: (laughing) Wow, this certainly isn't a Larry King interview, is it.

A: The Messiac promises refer to one Messiah, but they did not consider one Messiah with two appearances. He comes first as the "rejected and brutalized" Messiah mentioned in Isaiah. And He will come the second time as the "Leader of the world.", thus fulfilling the "victorious" Messianic prophecies. This time around, rejected and brutalized, the second time. . . well, it'll be noisy.

Q: OK, thank you for that.

A: You're welcome.

Q: So, who do you think should replace Simon on American Idol?

A: Ugh. Is that show still on? To be honest, I have to go with Howard Stern. He's a member of the Tribe, and he's far more entertaining to watch than That blonde-haired guy, Ellen.

Q: Couldn't agree more. So, Judas. . . thoughts?

A: Well, we don't talk much any more. I can tell you something most people don't believe. He is in Heaven.

Q: What?!? How is that possible? he was a sinner! The WORST sinner! He sold you out!

A: Let me read you the list of people that were not sinners. Number one: Me. That is all.

Q: But . . .

A: Look, what he did sucked. But, he certainly believed in Me, didn't he? He was just fulfilling his role, a role that my Father selected him for. Who am I -who are you- to question Him?

Q: I. . . I'm shocked.

A: We both had our roles, and mine wasn't a walk in the park, either. Ever read Isiah?

Q: Ok. Lebron is going to Miami. Thoughts?

A: Oh my God! (Laughing) What a dick, huh?

Q: (Laughing) Yeah, I guess.

A: And what was the deal with the TV special? "The Decision"??? He should have named in "How to Alienate an Entire Country in One Easy Step." Doesn't he realize that he'll have to play in the cities he's pissed off? Douche.

Q: How true. So, what year did you die?

A: Why does it matter?

Q: Well, I mean. . . Your death was probably the most important ever. We should know when.

A: Why?

Q: Because. . . I mean. . .

A: Don't you think there are other things that humanity should focus on? Knowing the year of my death isn't going to earn you extra credit points. You want to earn points? Raise decent kids. Make your wife laugh. Dig sewage trenches in Calcutta. Explain why Keith Olbermann has his own show.