News broke over the weekend that Brad and Angeline nearly broke up. Unconfirmed sources were reported in a British paper saying that the two nearly split due to a massive argument. Most experts believed the argument revolved around Pitt’s new beard. However Weekly World News reporters have discovered the real cause of their argument: Bat Boy!

Back in 2008, Angelina Jolie attempted to adopt America’s Favorite Mutant. However Bat Boy broke free and escaped, scratching Pitt’s face in the process. Thankfully for Pitt his face has a $3 million insurance policy, which adequately covered the cost of a band aid. Despite her initial failed attempt, Angelina wanted to try again to adopt the precocious mutant.

An anonymous source who works at the Brangelina household says that Angelina confronted Brad after hearing a news report about Bat Boy being sighted at a local mall. Pitt vehemently refused, fearing such an action might endanger his precious face. They began a fight which lasted for two days and nearly dissolved their marriage. Even their many children who can’t speak English could tell this was serious.

The two finally reconciled, agreeing that Angelina could adopt an entire Haitian village and Brad could grow his beard another inch and a half. Petit Port-a-Michele in northern Haiti will now be known as Petit Port-a-Angelina in exchange for a sizable donation made by Jolie. Also all residents of the town can now list Angelina Jolie as their legal guardian.

Bat Boy, thankfully, was unharmed by the entire ordeal. In fact he had heard nothing of it until reporters tried to reach him for comment. In response he simply offered to share some mosquitoes he had been eating.