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I LOVE TELEVISION

There are only three programs you need to be concerned about this week: the return of Lost, the Super Bowl and “Super Tuesday.” Actually … scratch those last two. While watching homoerotic meatbags feel each other up on a football field and viewing ineffectual politicians intellectually masturbate may be of interest to some people, most of us really just want to watch naked Kate, Sawyer and Jack doin’ it doggy-style under a waterfall. HOWEVER! Since it’s unfair to infer that your television tastes mirror mine, I’ll lay out the pluses and minuses of each of these shows and let you come to your own decision. (Psst … don’t watch the Super Bowl or Super Tuesday – they suck.)

• Lost(9 p.m. Thursday, Jan. 31, ABC). Plus No. 1: Naked Kate, Sawyer and Jack engage in a steamy bisexual romp. No, they won’t be doing this on the show, but you canfind such a scenario on my Lost Fan Fiction Blog. (Look for it on the Internet!) Plus No. 2: Charlie is dead, which is great news for those of us who hated Charlie. You may also recall Charlie’s dying message, which stated that the castaways’ so-called rescuers aren’t who they appear to be. I bet they’re striking writers who refuse to rescue them because it would mean crossing the picket line (and there’s no Starbucks on the island). Plus No. 3: Remember that freaky “flash-forward” sequence where Jack and Kate have somehow made it home and he’s all like, “BOO-HOO-HOO! I’M A BIG, DUMB BABY AND I WANNA GO BACK TO THE ISLAND”? (Not necessarily an exact quote.) See, I’m thinking Jack probably just left his iPhone behind. (Hey, I’d go back, too … those things are hella expensive!!)

As for the minuses? Only one: Lost never comments on how stooped professional football can be.

• SUPER BOWL XXXXVCIXVI OR WHATEVER(6 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 3, Fox). Minus No. 1: FOOTBALL IS STOOPID. Minus No. 2: There’s something deafeningly psychotic about a bunch of steroid-addled Cro-Magnons bashing each other’s brains in – and THEN hopping into the shower together! JUST ADMIT YOU’RE IN LOVE, ALREADY!! Minus No. 3: The commercials are stoopid, too. There is one plus to the Super Bowl: The malls are empty.

• SUPER TUESDAY COVERAGE (10 p.m. Tuesday, Feb. 5, all networks). Minus No. 1: Nobody knows what Super Tuesday is, but OK … here’s a (sigh) brief explanation. So far during the presidential primaries, we’ve had to get all excited about states no one gives a crap about – like Iowa, Michigan and New Hampshire (which is only slighter larger than a half-eaten Nestle Crunch bar). However, on Super Tuesday, a POOP-TON of states (including California, Illinois and New York) vote on who they’d like to be their nominee. Which brings me to … Minus No. 3: Because the race is so close in BOTH parties, it is mathematically IMPOSSIBLE for any one candidate to lock up the nomination on Super Tuesday! So why should we watch this at all?