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Friday, March 5, 2010

Friday Night Confessions

Okay, it's come to my attention that I start every blog post with the word "okay."

Okay, that's not my confession.

But I have one today. And it's sort of like that song in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat where the narrator says, "In his bed, Pharaoh had an uneasy night. He had, had a dream that pinned him to his sheets with fright."

Yeah, that's me. Not so much a dream that's got me all freaked, but something else.

I'm going to confess, because a dear friend and I do Friday Night Confessions every week. FNC we call it. We also have RTC's, but that's another blog post. (But mucho points if you can figure out what RTC stands for!)

Anyway, I'm going to confess something. But you must all remember that I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. That's one of the rules of FNC. We get to say our confession and the other one doesn't try to make us feel better or anything. (Okay, that's not a rule, but I just made it up so it's gonna be from now on.)

Are you ready?

My confession: I have this paralyzing fear that I won't be able to live up to what people think of me.

There. I said it. And not just in writing. In life. In work. In everything.

And I don't want you to tell me how awesome I am. That's what's making me feel all freaked out!

No. Instead, tell me your confession. I mean, your deepest, darkest fear. And not dogs. I mean, that's so not fair. I gave you the fear buried under my heart (although I am terrified of dogs).

98 comments:

So, I start every post (and comment) with so...I hate feeling like a crappy mom, but I do. Most days. And it worries me, because I have never been so not good at something I've done. Yikes. I think I need therapy. :)

Okay, I like use the word 'so' way, way too often . . . and I don't care!

I'm afraid that I've already written the best thing I can write. I'm a one hit wonder, I'm "Aaaaa-fternoon Delight". Yes, you've probably never heard of that song, but for whatever reason it's etched in to my mind. Probably because I listened to it a gazillion times when it first came out. Sigh! But, that's my fear. Yeah, I'm not even published yet, and that's my fear.

Elana,I think you've hit on a pretty common fear most of us writers have. Because I admit too, that when my book releases I have this fear that it won't live up to what people think it should, or that people will say nice things but really think, "And she got this published?" I think we all have those insecurities! Thanks for giving us the freedom to share honestly!

OMG Elana-I have the same fear, and yes...it doubles when people tell me not to worry because I am so awesome. It makes me feel like I'm going to fall really hard from this pedastal(sp) and then wham-o. It's over.

OK (note the difference in spelling) before I bare my soul, I'm going to say that a fear of not living up to what people think of you can be a good thing, as long as it translates into working that much harder...

OK (again) for me...I'm afraid that instead of pushing myself forward, I will someday find myself seated on a couch in a funk of a depression, unable to move. Ew. That's the first time I've ever acknowleged that.

I think I start a lot of my posts with "So,".Hmmmm, I do think positively that my books will be published, but I do have a teeny tiny fear that all this work will be for naught.I also get freaked out by bats, especially when they are swooping at me (which happens many summers).

Hmm FNC huh...Okay - here it goes...really there are a few, but here's the one I'll share...

I've watched a lot of friendships drift due to competitiveness, etc in this business. Well, I have a couple of very dear friends...and one of my true fears, is losing my closeness with them due to something like competitiveness (which, BTW,is way different that jealousy IMHO).

My fear is that I won't get any where with my writing, even with all the hard work I've done. (and I'll end up talking to twelve cats and the neighborhood kids will call the that weird cat lady). But mostly just not accomplishing my goals.

Yup, fear of not living up to people's expectations is a biggy. In fact, studies show that smart, capable, and competent people often feel that they're "fooling" everyone and that it's only a matter of time before they're "found out."

My point: It's an icky feeling, I totally get it (cuz I feel it too), and don't let it take hold.

Um, RTC means Return To Clinic to me...yeah, the life of a clinician and follow up appointments with patients.

I start most of my posts with so, and then have to go back and delete it.

I don't think fears are a bad thing as long as they're not paralyzing. They help motivate you and push you forward. My paralyzing fear is spiders - well, not totally paralyzed, because screaming is usually involved. My writing fear involves not reaching my goals but I allow that fear to push me further than I thought I could go.

Wow, you guys! Group hug!! I have to admit that I have some of these other fears too. The mom one. The regret one. (I have made decisions I've regretted, so I've already lived that. Or am living, I suppose.)

And I actually felt better after my confession. So sorry Wendy!! It is a happy Friday!

Okay, I may be one of those people that helps put you on a pedestal because when you posted a reply on my blog, I was really chuffed (flattered, happy, etc.).Now, I won't do that because you've confessed and, well, you're human. A really entertaining human. Sharing art (writing,drawing, etc.) is so very vulnerable and once you put yourself out on stage you are no longer anonymous, right? I am scared to be on stage. I love being there, but once I'm there I start blabbering on about who knows what and everyone is looking at me and all I want to do is run away and delete what I just said. but I don't. not sure why, yet. because my desire to be heard is more than my fear of being exposed?Also, I am afraid of dogs. I took a stress test once where I was hooked to a little machine while pictures popped up on a screen (horrible pictures, scary pictures, etc.)...guess which one registered the most stress? the happy, tongue-drooping, golden retriever. shocking!

I'm afraid of losing my job. I've been under severe stress there and have been self-sabotaging. I know, right? Weird, but...I think my brain wants me to get fired as a defense mechanism, but SRSLY I can't afford to get fired. So, that is my greatest fear. That my stress will steer me instead of me steering me.

My fear has been with me for a long time and stems from my own perceptions of myself. I always felt like I was the annoying kid with no social skills, so I'm always worried that people will think I really am that person. The one who says the wrong thing at the wrong time or is completely abrasive and annoying.

Scott, I know that song and gee, thanks for making it spin around my head right now...

Oh yes, I have two fears and they are kind of related - that I am not as good a mother as I could be because I am following my dream of publication. I write when my youngest is napping and my eldest (who is three) said to me yesterday "mummy, you are always busy when $$$$ is napping". That broke my heart. I want to write at night but I am so brain dead by then I can't string a sentence together.

I need to change this as the last thing I want is for my daughter to remember her mum was "too busy". I need to find that balance between my career and kids.

Here's what I have to confess to: I'm afraid of--myself. I am totally anti-social and incapable of figuring out what I need to do to not hurt people's feelings and not lose friends over stupid moves I make. I'm a crappy friend and a crappy mom and a crappy writer.

Then I remember that I only have one shot here (you, know on earth or whatever) and I buck-up and roll out of bed. But there, I said it: I'm afraid of being myself and screwing things-up. But I do. And I am. Hard to argue with.

Most of my fears have to do with my son b/c it took so long to conceive him and... I can't say anymore b/c I'll start crying.So there you have it. But having to give up writing is a fear too! Oh and RTC--is it Real Time Confessions, or something like that?

Great post! I totally understand your fear. That's a big one. For me, I'm also afraid I won't live up to MY expectations of myself. I think many of us have an idea or impression of ourselves that not everyone else gets to see.

Ha ha! I start mine posts off with now, so, okay, or well. At least until I edit the first word off. And my 7 yr old starts every sentence of with 'well'. As in, "Well it's not my fault."

My fear is the same as yours. It doesn't help that my brother tries to upstage me in everything I do. University. Grad School. And I'm sure if I'm ever published, he'll turn around and out do me there too. Oooh maybe that's one of my fears. ;)

I am terrified of losing one of my children. My greatest fear on this earth is the thought of having to live through that kind of pain. I pray nightly for their safety and well being, but it's a mom thing and I can't help it.

Ok. I'm gonna spill it, too.I have the same fears that you do (only mine aren't ridiculous!). (Let me clue you in on something, Elana: you ALREADY HAVE lived up to what we've expected of you...you're awesome!)

I'm afraid that what I'm writing is going to be thought of as horrible and that I'm really not cut out to be a writer, even though it's what I live for and love and I would die if that is so.

I'm afraid that if, by some miracle, I were ever to be published, then people would wonder how it happened. Then they would think my writing was inferior and it would never meet their standards.

It's discouraging to see that my blog is pretty much ignored, which also feeds into my fear. It tells me that I'm not accepted or supported, and maybe not even liked, who knows?

So...now you know. Low self-esteem today, huh?

Since fear is non-productive (and it does not come from the Lord), I guess the only answer is to cast it aside and do our work as unto the Lord (in other words: do your very best); then the Lord will judge us accordingly.

We will never be able to please everyone, but if we please God, then we have pleased the One who really counts.

I totally relate to your fear. I have trouble being praised because I'm a perfectionist. So if someone says I'm great or my writing is wonderful, I'm waiting for the "but" or the moment when the world realizes it wasn't so. I think it's a good sign that we are aware of this, though. Anyway, I think I may learn somehow to accept that I can excel even if it's not perfect.

I love it, Elana! And I totally had this fear, too. And then I realized I don't suck, and I can't (and won't) please everyone, and as long as I am happy and improving, that is what counts.Getting one good review under my belt really helped, I have to say, to alleviate this fear.And my blog post starter word is "so".

I am a neurotic mess because I started to leave a comment about my fear -- but first read through the comments already here and kept saying, "Yes, me too...oh, that's the one for me...ah, this is my real fear".

crap. now I have fears I didn't even realize I had.

and..I do SO relate to you. My first thought when I got that 'agent call' was "what if he realizes I suck after all". How twisted is my brain to have that be my first thought?

*is sorry if she is contributing to your fear, but she thinks you rock*

I have the same fear as you. What if I'm not good enough? But I'm working on killing it dead, because that is /not/ how princesses should think. If I'm going to be a queen one day, I've got to start by believing in myself. :)

I'm afraid that I really do suck and people are just humoring me. I'm having an "I suck" week--yes that's the official name for my weeks like this. Sounds like you might be having one too. Thanks for sharing. It's nice to put it out there.

I'm afraid I'll never be anything, and not just related to writing. Yes, I'm afraid I'll never be considered a "real" writer if I don't get published, but I'm also afraid I'll never be a significant person. I have a temporary job right now and I don't have kids yet. I guess I'm still in search of significance.

Don't get me wrong, I've got a great loving family and wonderful friends, but I'm thinking more big picture. What can I offer the world, and what if I fail to do that?

How brave of you to post this, and all of the comments were so very, very brave! Even though so many fears were mentioned I just feel so much courage from everyone! And I have the same fears as so many of them. My main fears are losing one of my children, not being a good enough mother and messing my kids up so they need therapy when they grow up, and the one that's on my mind most right now (I feel so selfish for even saying this)is that all these dreams I have, being a published writer, or a successful artist, will never be realized. Not because I quit, but because I worked as hard as I possibly could and just was not good enough.

I'm afraid people (teens) will think I'm too old to write YA, and that if they knew how old I really was, (or will be by the time a book might ever be published), they'd mock me and through the book out the door.

I'm afraid of people misinterpreting what I'm saying. It sucks to be misunderstood, and it happens to me all the time. Maybe I don't know when to shut up (LOL), but I feel like I live 24/7 with my foot in my mouth -- even though a voice in my head is always screaming, "That's not what I meant!"

I agree that I see a lot of courage here. Sometimes it's good to let the fear come out. Then it's gone and can be replaced with the strength we need to move forward. At least that's how I'm feeling about now!

Great post, Elana! I admit, I'm afraid that I spend so much time writing that it will cost me my relationships with my friends and family. I get so wrapped up in my work that I forget that I have to make time to have a life, too. It's cost me a lot already to make this my dream, but I can't seem to help myself!

And, even though you asked us not to tell you how great you are, I can't help it: I had already planned to give you an award on my blog today. :) You rock, Elana!

I'm terrified that my nine year old daughter, who adores me now, lights up like a Christmas tree when I come home from work, and is my shadow, will become one of those teen girls who hates her mother.

I have two grown sons, and they didn't hate me, so I have no idea why I fear it with my daughter, but maybe because she is so close to me, I fear she's going to push extra hard when she's trying to become independent.

What frightens me about my writing? That if I ever do get published, I won't live up to people's expectations or I'll change and become this super huge witch to people.What paralyzes me in every day life? Death.

I understand your fear because I too share it. I go through the same thing when I move schools - the kids at my school know me & like me (I don't think I'm delusional here) & kids are happy to come into my class in Sept. When I move schools, it's different. What if no one likes me? What if I can't figure out what works in this school?

Writing still terrifies me. Each and every step in the process. But I keep going forward. Keep trying to grow. Hopefully I can keep going. You too!

Okay. First, you're terrified of dogs? I feel so bad for all those nights I haven't gotten Jack put away before he POUNCES on the door and scares you off the porch! I thought it was just the NORMAL freakiness of having a dog do that to a door you're knocking on, but now I have a whole new level of guilt over it! *note to self: must be sure to get Jack put away well before my crit buddies arrive*

Fears. I totally get your fear. And at the risk of sounding like a cop out, I'll say, that's my fear too.

But I have so many fears, I can claim yours AND supplement with another:

My fear: Oh and I realize now that it's pretty much the same as Diane's right above me. See? I'm so not original. (And I'm reading EH and "see" has worked itself into my vocabularly.) Okay, so. Um. I'm afraid I won't do what God sent me here to do. That I'll let Him down. And that would just be the worst thing ever.

You are not alone. I definitely know that fear you're talking about. I have even sabotaged myself, failing because I was already convinced I would. I'm not afraid any more because I've learned fear can get in the way of simply living and enjoying success, large or small.

Okay, so, um. Hm. Lots of good comments here, fears I feel too and all that.

Now I actually have to think. Thanks a lot.

A few years ago, my biggest fear was that others would laugh at my dreams. Stupid, yes. Completely. But it had happened many times throughout my life and the effect was basically me feeling beaten down, strangled into submission and forced to be what I *thought* other people *thought* I should be.

Then I started writing as a means of survival. And I discovered something. I. Don't. Care. Anymore.

I write for me first and foremost, and my audience is secondary. And I've worked very hard to shuck that person I tried to force myself to be. It may sound selfish, but writing is the best thing that ever happened to me, and for me. I've been set free in many ways.

But the world has a way of creeping in when I'm not looking, and those old fears still haunt me. Except now, instead of worrying if people will laugh, or think I'm a hack or a terrible mother (and all the other things mentioned above and that are also fears of mine) I have a bigger fear.

Confession: I am terrified that I will forget how to be me. The real me, not the pretend, made up me that I invented years ago. Because as it happens, I like myself when I'm being real. Yeah. Who knew?

Car accidents, my children resenting me one day, and an airplane crashing into my house. i'm serious. i hold my breath every time an airplane flies over my house. Remember the movie BLAST FROM THE PAST? That really ruined me.

Oh man... there are plenty of "superficial" things I'm terrified of that you might be surprised are truly truly frightening to me. Hillbilly Cannibal Rapists for one. No, you may laugh... and I joke about it too. But I am really and truly wet-my-pants freaked out of them. And it pops up more than you'd think (in movies, TV shows, & books).

Eeekkk! And I'm also afraid of dying. I'm sure death is just going to come out of no where and take me out.

I fear that too. Most of the time, I'm driven by the fact that I don't want to let people down, because there's all these expectations and I don't want them to think (or discover?) that I'm a phony. Sigh. So I always work hard etc etc to make sure I don't damage their image of me. Sounds vain, but yea I can't help it.

I have the same fear -- that I'm not as good as I think, but in fact far worse, and I'm wasting my time because it's never gonna happen. Ugh. I hate the idea that I could be building myself and everyone around me up to a HUGE disappointment. Not. Going. There. Now I need to jump in front of the mirror like that chick on Idol. I ROCK!!

My fear? That everything I do will peter out and limp into stasis - like my first novel attempt (so far, all's well in Second Novel Land). In other words, what if it (hushes voice) *doesn't work out*??

Right now, my biggest fear is naming my biggest fear because I don't think it will be understood.

The one I can say? I'm afraid that because I wasn't strong enough or something I did during their pregnancy, I gave my children their disability. That because of me, they won't get the life they deserve.

As for your fear, so sorry to hear it, dear. But I'm pretty sure you'll live up to what people think of you because you're awesome (not to add to the pressure, or anything). Seriously, this fear will drive you to succeed and to be the best Elana you can be. What more can you ask for? So where ambition, desire, or inspiration might fail you, fear will be waiting in the wings to motivate you. I know that's a weird thing to say, but it's true--that's how it works for me anyway. It's not such a bad thing, although certainly annoying. But, I'm pretty sure you're awesome. So don't fear ;)

My own fear? I have a lot. Perhaps that I'll never be good enough or smart enough, or just enough.

I'm not going to tell you how wonderful you are because I understand exactly what you mean. Telling you wouldn't change a thing, would it? I continually apologize and downplay myself for fear of someone discovering I'm not what I claim to be. So I totally get it.

Elana, this is why I love you, girl! Your brutal honesty is what makes you special. This very trait is going to take you higher than you ever imagined - I just know it! My biggest fear is actually selling the novel. Isn't that crazy? But I have enjoyed making it my world with my characters and I feel like everyone will tear into them if and when they're in print for all to see. And my second biggest fear is not being able to write another one. I know that's nuts but those are the thoughts that spin around this whacked out brain of mine.

I feel so many of these comments. Nichole, girl, you are my hero. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being me or if I'm really trying to be a different form of me, and then I look back at those pictures and wonder who that girl was and why she's not me. So I get that. *hugs*

L.T. I so feel this too. I mean, my kids don't have disabilities, but I have some issues with some things, and I wonder if they're my fault or if I could have done things differently and it would've turned out better. I know that makes no sense, but know that I know exactly where you're coming from. *double hugs*

(I can't wait till April when we get to have our writing party again!)

And yeah, Katie. The pressure is killing me. And uber-famous! LOL! I did get accosted in the bathroom at the last conference I went to. So I guess I have arrived. Ha!

LiLa - dude, so not going to happen. You know I glommed myself onto you guys from the start because I could smell the success. Believe it.

3) If they do read my book and I get to write more books, those books will horribly, horribly disappoint the readers who will then say "What a hack! I can't believe I was tricked into buying this terrible 2nd book!"

4) People will find out I'm a terrible fraud, drag me into the streets, and stone me with remainder copies of my terrible, terrible books.

So yeah, you're not alone. I think all writers have the same, deep-seated fears about a) failure, and b) success.

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