Don’t choke on that dichotomy, Aminat.

Let me just start off by saying that I was s-t-u-p-i-d to assume that the editors would deliver such a shocking elimination. And it was also s-t-u-p-i-d for me to think that Celia would survive elimination after being called desperate by Paulina.

But! I still think my idea about Aminat winning this shit is possible. They actually showed us Teyona faltering a wee bit in tonight’s episode! But I’ll get to that later. All I know is that Allison, the deserving winner, will be lucky to make the final 2.

So, previously on America’s Next Top Unemployed Woman… Nigel shot Fo with a fish eye lens, making her appear (even more) freakishly short. She bowed one last time for us, and was sent home. The voice recapping last week’s episode sounds nothing like Tyra. It sort of sounds like Atoosa Rubenstein, the old editor in chief of Seventeen before Ann SUCKett. Don’t ask me why I can remember what her voice sounds like. How damn embarrassing for me.

Back in the hotel, Teyona ‘feels great about, you know, getting yet, you know’ another (undeserved) first call-out. Yes, she manages to say ‘you know’ twice in that very short and seemingly simple sentence. America’s Next Top Cunning Linguist, that’s for sure. She thinks she’s getting, you know, better and better. She notices that her ‘girls are looking extra juicy’

Really? Cuz I’m not seeing anything particularly boobilicious there, but maybe that’s just me. Although the tits on the fat extra are pretty bang-a-langin. Teyona feels that she is the one to watch out for. She’s not a silent threat… she’s not silent anymore. She’s just a threat. They all ‘BETTA WATCH OUT. TEYONA’S COMIN’. At this point, I was still naive enough to think that her ass was going home.

Allison and Celia are pretty unimpressed with this Teyona bullshit, which is why I like them. Allison liked Celia’s photo a lot. They both bitchily remark on Teyona’s ‘arm over the head’ is her ‘favorite pose’, and Allison says that Teyona’s background was much easier to work with. Well, I’m glad these bitches see what an unfair advantage Teyona has. Celia was in ‘utter shock’ that she didn’t go last week, over Fo-Licia. None of us were, though. Celia would have won the damn go-see challenge if she hadn’t been .2 seconds late. Fo is short. HELLO, KISS OF DEATH. Especially with the upcoming short-ass cycle. Celia is glad that the judges recognized that she was better than her performance at the last photoshoot. She plans on trying to relax. Get used to seeing that word, because she says it at least 16000 more times in the episode.

They all appear to be trying on the duds from Teyona’s designer challenge win. I guess she’s over the whole DON’T TOUCH, DON’T TOUCH shit from the last episode. Celia is doing some sort of funky MC Hammer dance in what appears to be a jumpsuit that is at least 5 sizes too large for her. Aminat is annoyed that they have to deal with Celia for another week, since she is ‘a bit much’. Aminat thinks Celia is a little trashy, which is hilarious, since Aminat looks like a hoodrat in most of her pictures, and her best buddy in the house can’t spit out a sentence without saying ‘y’all’. That’s like saying that Celia is creepy while Allison is sitting there, masturbating to a picture of a nosebleed. As Teyona would say… “you know?!” Actually, okay… Celia calls the jumpsuit trashy. I just really wanted an excuse to mention Allison masturbating to a nosebleed. I’ve been dying to do it all cycle.

Speaking of little miss Creepopants, who has been totally on FIRE the past couple of weeks (and PS… she sent Rich, the guy who does fourfour, a picture of his infamous kitty Winston that SHE DREW. Can you say ‘BEST CONTESTANT EVER?’), she is really happy that Celia didn’t get eliminated. We get to see them taking random pictures together, while Aminat tells us that she and Teyona are stronger individuals than the unitedness of Celison. Celia appears to be mocking Teyona’s signature ‘hand over the head’ pose. I wish she had yanked her cheeks up and stuck her jaw out too. That would have been the judges definition of fierce, and my definition of fucking awful.

The Tyra Mail consists of some weird Tikki Tikka Tandoori Tequila chant. Aminat does a sample dance for them, and she really is just abnormally hot. I know she probably should have gone home weeks ago, but I love her body. And I don’t even miss her fro anymore, although she was sort of cooler and less S-T-U-P-I-D when she had it. Teyona says that they ‘GOT TEYONA BEAT ON THIS ONE’. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Being beaten usually means bad, but I guess I need a dictionary full of Teybonics or something.

They’re ushered off to some random, nondescript place and Aminat asks if they’re going swimming, which I find pretty much awesome, seeing as how there’s no apparent water anywhere. They’re told by Paulina, who appears out of a throng of dancing people, that they will learn how to Samba dance today. Allison, of course, is flipping balls. This seems like a really good time to unveil a Fourfour GIF that shows Allison’s reaction whenever she’s not excited about doing something:

She tells us that she’s a really bad dancer, and that she has no rhythm. I’m less worried about that and much more concerned about this girl’s WEAVE. I’m afraid it’s going to eat her head if it stays on her much longer. I really am starting to wonder if she blows her nose with it or something.

The girls learn the basic steps to the Samba dance. Allison looks hilarious, of course. Aminat has no problem. Teyona says that the first two steps were easy, but the incredibly complex act of twirling ‘had me going’… And it was making her dizzy. Paulina goes off on this launch about poise, and infusing your dance with a good face. She tells them to pretend she’s Nigel, the worst noted fashion photographer ever, and does this hilarious gruff British accent that sounds more like the accent that Grawp (Hagrid’s little brother) has in the Harry Potter books than anything else. Hilariously, she tells them that when they’re not good at something, they need to fake it. This sounds more like a teach on faking something in the bedroom than samba dancing… Amirite?!

Celia is first, and ‘she moves like royalty’. It’s much too stiff for Samba dancing, according to first-out-on-Dancing with the Stars-Paulina Porizkova. yeah, BYE BITCH. Anyone can Google you and see that you’re not expert on this shit. In perhaps the absolute cuntiest moment of the cycle, Paulina accuses Celia of wanting this too much. She says that Celia is ‘much too old to model’ and that ‘desperation is not sexy’.

I MEAN, WOW. First of all, Celia has always looked like this. If she’s so repulsive and old (which she isn’t), then why the ballsack have they kept her around this long? I mean, she obviously sucks compared to the uber-fierce Scarsy McBurns… Yeah, moving right along. Paulina is a whore. And she got eliminated first on Dancing with the Stars. Bahahah, POINT AND LAUGH.

Aminat is a natural dancer. She took to the dance like a duck takes to the water. Or rather, like Aminat takes to the water, since she is very… duck-like with her lips. Suddenly, Aminat is a girl to contend with. Yeah, tell that to the fans, Paulina. Everyone hates this bitch (except me and like 2 other people). Paulina applauds Aminat for giving more face than ever before.

Moving onto the always entertaining Allison… Paulina is truly scared for her. She was nervous and scared looking. Paulina mocks her facial expression, which is always SUPER helpful. Seriously, where is Janice? Paulina’s stankness isn’t even fun to watch. Gone are the days of ‘the batteries died in your vibrator’ and in their place, we have ‘I am truly scared for Allison’. Ugh.

Teyona was a huge surprise. And no, the surprise wasn’t that she re-invented the Samba and was better than anyone who had ever done it. Teyona… GASP! was not very good! OMG. SOMEONE ALERT THE FUCKING AUTHORITIES. TEYONA WAS NOT GOOD AT SOMETHING. She wasn’t graceful, she has two left feet and she wasn’t sexy or sultry at all. Aminat calls Teyona her girl, but can’t help but laugh at her challenge performance. Paulina explains the benefits of faking orgasms yet again, and they all look sort of confused. Celia’s all ‘Bitch, I think of sex every time I take a shot… I fake NOTHING’. Allison is like ‘=( Guys won’t sleep with me because they’re afraid I’m going to drink their blood =(‘… Aminat giggles sheepishly because she is more of a giver than a receiver, if you catch her drift, and Teyona is all ‘What’s an orgasm?’

Back at the house, Celia is understandably hurt by Paulina’s critique of her. She’s eating peanut butter from the jar. I’m gaining weight just watching her. She is jealous that Allison looks young in photos.

Tyra mail! ‘Whatever you do, don’t look down.’ They all practice their dancing. Celia is wearing her dress from the Blondes drag queen challenge weeks ago, and it looks vaguely hookerish. I like how they all assumed it would be dancing. If i read that, I’d think heights. Shows how smart I am. Or how. Allison is wearing the OTHER dress that Celia won, and they look like a pair of bedraggled Vegas showgirls. It’s so great. Get those girls some weave upkeep, FOR SERIOUS. Aminat is practicing her dancing while wearing a pair of heels and striped ankle socks. She reminds me of this girl who was in the middle school talent show and and did an Irish jig while wearing enormous pumps and green ankle socks. Only Aminat is a lot prettier.

Off to the challenge, and Paulina is showing off her piss-poor dance moves that got her stank ass eliminated off Dancing with the Stars. She tells them that their challenge will be to dance with a professional Samba guy and pretend that Paulina is a photographer. They lose a million points every time they look down. Paulina makes a point to say ‘OKAY, ALLISON’, which is sort of mean, but Allison laughs and is all ‘HA, OKAY’. The winner (and a chosen friend) will receive 7,000 worth of jewelry from some designer whose name I didn’t catch. Celia is like WOW. Aminat is like SHUT UP, which makes Paulina say ‘If I shut up, you won’t know!’ I guess Paulina doesn’t watch ‘What Not to Wear’. Shut up= Good thing. Now, SHUT UP, FIRST ELIMINATED ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. I HAVE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF YOU. Teyona, not to be outdone on the whole language barrier thing, starts talking about ‘BLING BLINGS ON MAH OUTFIT AND THEN I…’ Yeah. She reminds me of Furonda when she showed off her phone sex skills: ‘I just caaaame from ovurrr durrrr…’

Allison is scared, but plans to use her best orgasm faking skills and act like she knows what’s she doing. She loses 2 million points from Paulina, who calls her a ‘rickety little wind up doll’ which is perhaps the most articulate comparison since Tyra’s assessment of Marjorie’s swimsuit photo from last cycle which was a ‘high end, 4 star, expensive, French hotel ad’. Apparently Allison’s mechanism needed oiling. I’m sure Nigel would loooooove to oil it for her.

Celia wrote relax on her wrist to remind herself to chill out. And to not be too desperate of course. Then, she’ll get eliminated for not wanting it enough. Paulina applauds Celia for being ‘not traditionally beautiful (read: Fugly) and pushing herself all the way’.

Aminat’s Samba made everyone a little happy in pants, since she is A) hot and B) ‘a little rogue-ish’ according to Paulina. Celia can tell that Aminat has chemistry with the male partner. She thinks Aminat nailed it. Is it just me, or is Celia always commenting on Aminat’s movements? Last week, her runway walk was beautiful… This week, she’s a rogue. Hidden desire, mebbe?

Teyona, who is suddenly a gigantic, incomprehensible failure at life, was awkward. She looked uncomfortable, and Aminat was surprised at how shitty she was. In the critique of their challenge performance– Allison was ghastly, but had a few good moments that would make decent still shots, Celia’s performance was beautiful and impeccable, Aminat was really effective and the best at the actual dancing, and Teyona…. Well damn, bitch. You just sucked. Go flush your big jaw down the toilet. So of course, Celia wins, since Aminat was the best and everything, and this show is all about rewarding those who aren’t the best. Aminat’s face is seriously mad, and I’m a little worried about this. Naturally, Celia picks Allison, which prompts Bitchina Porkyzova to be all ‘O RLY’, like it’s a huge shocker. And suddenly, pissed off ‘I wanted this really bad’ Aminat is gone, and in her place, we have Professor Aminat in the house. I give you, perhaps the line of the cycle:

‘Paulina doesn’t understand the dichotomy of the relationships in the house’. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT?!?!?! This is the same girl who can’t say CHOOSE?! And uses the word STUPID 10 times in the same 30 seconds to prove a point? God, she’s been hiding some sort of brain under that weave for WEEKS now. Dichotomy?! Like I said in the title of this recap… Don’t choke on dich… otomy.

Allison and Celia get to go choose jewelry. Allison’s hair is pulled back in this monstrous half ponytail that looks weirdly awesome. Celia gets these huge, amazing onyx earrings, and Allison gets a blue globe pendant.

TYRA MAIL… ‘At some point, the mama bird needs to push her babies out of the nest’. Teyona, in yet another brilliant moment, says that they’ll ‘maybe be pushed’. How astute of you, Teyona. You need to take a leaf of out Aminat’s book on antidisestablishmentarianism, clearly. There’s a random dramatic cut on Celia’s ass as she sits in the window and stares longingly out the window. It’s a pretty cute ass though, not gonna lie. Aminat says that she’s ALWAYS second in the challenges and that it’s very disappointing and disheartening. It’s at this point that I cannot decide who the hell is going home… Teyona isn’t getting lathered with praise, Aminat just gave a distinctly ‘second place’ statement, and Celia’s desperation isn’t sexy. This show is a lot more interesting when I don’t know exactly who’s going. But it also makes nervous.

McKey’s ‘My Life as a Covergirl’ ad is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It’s literally 5 seconds of her lurching down a runway and then a dramatic sounding ‘This is MY life… as a Covergirl’. It’s taken her 8 weeks to get ready for a 5 second show? Sounds like your life as a Covergirl sucks balls, McKey.

At around 6:40 in the morning (this is according to Teyona, so she may have actually said 3:19 in the afternoon… She’s hard to understand, YOU KNOW), two strange men break into their hotel room. Rather than reaching for her Mace, Celia is all ‘Well, I need new inspiration for my photoshoots anyway… I looked a little dry last week’. There is, of course, nothing to worry about and unfortunately for Celia, no sex to be had. It’s Sutan and Christian, the makeup artist and hairstylist, respectively. Sutan, who has to be the most adorable person ever, after Mike Rosenthal, of course, gets into Celia and Allison’s bed and tries to snuggle with them.

After the girls have made use of their orgasm teach, they get started on hair and makeup. Allison gets MAJOR weave teaseage… We’re talking like, at least an extra foot of height on her. Aminat thinks it looks like a big bird’s nest. Still think the photoshoot involves pushing, Teyona?

They start driving, and are apparently in the jungle. ‘Not jungle for TV,’ Aminat remarks. Sutan notices that there’s some car stopped in front of them. Teyona yells WHAT’S GOIN ON?!?!?! and the other girls are like ‘Oh god’ ‘What?’. It’s so rehearsed… It’s just magic. Celia just wants to get to wherever the fuck they’re going. The two manly brutes, Sutan and Christian, get out of their car and go help the seemingly random obstruction in the road. Sutan is all ‘OH IT’S A LADY’, but it looks more like a rack of ribs to me…

IT’S TYRAAA! Well, maybe more like zomgwowtyra… since the requisite squeals for her are decidedly… quiet. Tyra tells them that they need to get out of here because…. she’s PHOTOGRAPHING THEM TODAY! The squeals are still pretty half-hearted.

Aminat, who has traded in her Ph.D in linguistics for a degree in Teybonics, wants to ‘do good’ at the photoshoot. She wants to show Tyra that she’s improving. Tyra tells all of them that she wants to see ‘it’ in their photos. It, is of course, Tyra smiling with her eyes. I’m sure that’s exactly what she wants to see. Shots of her. Smiling with her eyes. Tyra did some sort of go-see during her free time in Brazil… Possibly for the next T-Zone alumni/Tyra Banks Show regular first time winner of America’s Next (Not) Top Male Model? One of the male models was nicknamed ‘the Wolf’ because he was always giving Tyra sexy eyes. Tyra talks about how she DIDN’T utilize Paulina’s orgasm teach when she met/fucked ‘the Wolf’ (which sounds like a contestant on Daisy of Love, not a male model name). Teyona isn’t nervous to be shooting with Tyra, since she’s had a #1 picture three times. And all 3 were undeserving, boo. Although her immigrant picture is better than Tahlia’s stupid Flamenco picture. Teyona says she can’t go in there and hit rock bottom. Dammit, why the fuck not?

Apparently there are like 3000 different species of insects in this jungle. Did you know that Tyra once portrayed 3000 different species of insects in one day for a photoshoot back when she used to model? Their objective is, of course, birds. They’ll be adorned in lots of ‘FEAAAATHERS’ (this is said unanimously with Jay, who is just itching to get back to his homeland and do more Canada’s Next Top Model). Tyra speaks authoritatively to Christian and wants there to be more flowers available on the set. She does this really awkward name drop and it’s hilarious:

‘When I shot with uhhhh…. Steven… you know, for Italian Vogue… He changes stuff on the set’. First of all, his name is Stephen Meisel, you washed up old lard-ass, and he’s one of the best photographers on the planet AND you were never even on the cover of Vogue Italia, so shut up. Stop acting like you guys are best friends. Secondly… She manages to sound like an Easthampton snob, Teyona, and Twiggy all in one sentence. You know, for the first time all cycle, I actually get Tyra. I myself feel like I can channel three people at once sometimes.

Tyra explains to Allison that she wants her to look like a birdie owl slash pterodactyl that is protecting her little eggs that haven’t hatched yet. Allison is just as confused as me and gives Tyra a blank stare. Tyra is all ‘WHATEVUH’, and Allison climbs into this huge birds nest. Tyra tells her that she’ll be doing a lot of squatting to get her muscles in shape for when she has to blow homosexual men with a bag over her head to get jobs. Tyra, always wanting to give an antecdote, is all ‘Because I used to be a model, I am sensitive to other models when they’re in pain’. I don’t know if she said ‘Because I used to be’ or ‘Because I am’, but I like ‘used to be’ so much better. Always the sensitive one, that Tyra Banks. But only after her morning ribs.

Allison looks great, but her movements are apparently a bit to UH UH UH for Tyra, and they need to be more UH…. UH…. UH. Uh is right. The wisdom of Tyra Banks, everyone. She’ll be here next week too! Jay applauds Allison for being less nervous than ever before. Tyra goes to give Allison a hug and Allison whispers ‘Everyone will suffer’ in her ear. Tyra is all WHAAAAT? And Allison just says ‘You’re really pretty’. She smiles, but the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. No, I kid. Apparently Allison was thinking that Tyra was really pretty and said it out loud. She calls herself a square. I’m telling you… Best contestant ever.

Tyra wants Aminat to have tension in her body and then bring it up to her face. At least, that’s what I think she meant. Aminat apparently does something right, because her shot causes Tyra to screech ‘CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN AMINAT’. Ang Lee is having nightmares as we speak. Tyra likes Aminat’s body, but not her face. Broken record much? She gets a lesson in wiggling her ears, which is apparently the new secret to owning your inner fierceness. Wiggling your ears means that you can control the muscles in your face, and controlling the muscles in your face= Vair good! Aminat feels amazing about her shoot. She felt that she listened to Tyra, and gave a lot to work with. Jay quips ‘Have fun combing out your hair’ as she walks off the set. We don’t see it, but following the glare she gives him, she roundhouse kicks him in the back of the head and he falls to the ground. True story.

Celia, who is still not getting a clear dismissal edit, needs to… WHAT ELSE?! RELAX! Tyra wants more Amazon as opposed to soft. She wasn’t originally excited to shoot the likes of poor, old, crotchety Celia, but was surprised with how fresh she looked in the big ass nest. While Tyra is talking, a huge moth-like bat comes flying out of nowhere and gets momentarily caught in Tyra’s weave. The mothbat thing is the fiercest creature of the cycle, because it causes Tyra to scream and freak out for a good 5 seconds. Celia is practically in tears over how good her shoot went, and is overjoyed when Tyra praises her. Tyra is like ‘WELL, YOU KNOW… THERE’S TWO ME’S. There’s the HEY Y’ALL, THIS IS THE REAL ME and the I ONLY HAVE 2 PHOTOS IN MY HAND’. Of course, the second Tyra is a drag queen, based on the tone of her voice, and the first Tyra is Teyona without the jheri curl.

Jay makes some baseless statement about Teyona not being the most inspiring model of the bunch. Uh, what? Then why the hell does she get first call out all the damn time? Apparently she looks great, but doesn’t have as much energy as her buddy Aminat. And here I was thinking that Teyona was perfect! In what might be my favorite moment of this shoot, Tyra tells Teyona to ‘put your chin up… But not that high!’ Bahahah, no shit. Save me from these damn 3/4 shots with the horrifyingly large jaw. Teyona feels great about her shoot, because she ‘IS talented’ and her ‘game is where it supposed to be at’. Yeah, there’s no typos in that second part. Tyra sees a rib and almost belly flops off the rocks to get it, but then realizes that it’s a rock and is saved by a number of production assistants. She’s all ‘I ALMOST DIED GETTING YOUR SHOT, GIRL’ and it’s clear why Teyona is the judges favorite. Teyona= Tyra. Tyra= Teyona. Amanda= Revolted. Both Tyra and Jay were impressed by how well Teyona stood out, despite everything going on in her shot. Apparently, it wouldn’t have been shocking at all if her picture had turned out to be a ‘Nole DISAST-UH’… I don’t really remember Nole Marin saying that, but then again, I try and forget most of what Nole says. Except for the thing about walruses wearing chiffon.

Aminat feels amazing about her shoot. Teyona predicts that the final 3 will be herself and Allison, but she doesn’t know who will take that third spot. And at that point, I honestly didn’t know either. I wasn’t even so sure about Teyona, although it was stupid of me to think she’d go this week. The only one who I felt was truly safe was Allison, because she called Tyra pretty… and Tyra loves compliments.

Apparently, we’ve been graced with enough rules to owning your inner fierceness this week, and aren’t treated to one before panel. Hmmm, I have a good one: ‘Being slaughtered for my dinner is the express route to fierce’. Birds aren’t quite as good as ribs, but they ARE quite tasty.

In keeping with the bird theme this week, Ann SUCKett is the guest judge. Haven’t we seen this skank like three times this cycle? I hate her. She gives a hideous smile at the camera while Tyra says that one of the girls will be ‘up on her covuhhhh’. They were shot this week by, according to Tyra, ‘some retired model who thinks of herself as a photographer’. Allison is first, and J is all, ‘Well, *SHE* should be able to pull of being a bird’. Except she looks like a bunny, not a bird. God, you stupid wannabe homo. And you know what… despite all the ragging I’ve done on Tyra this cycle… This picture of Allison is better than all the shots Nigel did in both the Light Yourself and Brazilian Swimwear photoshoots. Allison’s picture is deservedly adored by everyone on panel. J gives his critique in some sort of bird language that Tyra can understand. Paulina looks grossed out by his little performance, and Allison is just like ‘Huh?’ as he’s chirping.

Paulina finds no negatives in Teyona’s shot, as always. But for the first time ever, Nigel betrays his little horsey and wishes for more of a twist in her body. He calls her boxy on top. Paulina brings up her stupid orgasm teach about faking it… Paulina, shut up. Nobody cares about you. You were eliminated first on Dancing with the Stars. Tyra wishes she had pushed Teyona more, because it’s not her best shot.

They love Celia’s pose, and Nigel commends her for showing her armpit to the camera. Hahaha, how scandalous! An armpit! Tyra chose the shot because Celia’s bone structure reminded her of Paulina’s.

From far way, Aminat’s head looks sort of mutant in her shot, but when they pan in, she looks cool. And most importantly, she looks DIFFERENT. For the first time in quite a few weeks, her face is doing something interesting and is catching the light in a unique way. Of course, since this *is* Aminat we’re talking about, her body is flawed in this shot. Tyra was shocked by how amazing Aminat’s film was.

Even at this point, it’s hard to say who is going home. My initial thought before the deliberation was Allison, Celia, Aminat, Teyona… But:

The judges need to nitpick on little details since it’s crunch time. They love Allison as a bird, unsurprisingly. SUCKett likes that despite Allison being the softest in person, she’s using that to stand out in her pictures.

Teyona has been (supposedly) on a roll all cycle, but her performance on Tyra’s set was merely complacent. They talk about the tortoise and the hare and how sitting back at this point is a mistake. They all agree that she’s a photo model, but that she doesn’t particularly sell herself in person. I smell a third place set up.

Celia’s style in unbeatable. Paulina wants to hire her as a stylist. Suddenly, Celia’s picture are ‘a bit iffy’. Wtf? She’s been taking some of the strongest shots of the cycle, in my opinion. Douchebag J calls her America’s Next Top Mother.

Aminat’s drive is extremely attractive. Yeah, that’s what they said about Saleisha’s inner beauty, and I didn’t see anything attractive about Tootie. But yeah, Aminat is pretty damn attractive, so I guess I can roll with that. Paulina calls Aminat ‘The Body’ and Elle MacPherson throws shit at her television.

Call-Out time…. Allison is first. Are there any models left in this thing besides her and Teyona? They’ve swapped every week since the Ciara fan thing. Tyra says ‘You’re pretty’ to Allison and Allison laughs and looks embarrassed.

Now… Onto the exciting stuff. Second picture goes to… WTF?! Teyona?! Ms. Uninspiring, Boxy, Tortoise and the Hare, Barely Comprehensible Teyona? She randomly starts bawling about how she thought she was going to be in the bottom 2. It’s as fake as press on nails. She’s ‘not ready to go home’.

So, the bottom 2 is Celia and Aminat, who are both fierce ‘from the neck down.’ Apparently the ‘mathematics’ in their faces is off. Celia, is, as well all know, older than the dinosaurs. Aminat is a duckie. Who stays? Well Aminat does, of course. Duckies can wiggle their ears, remember? But without a face-life, you’ll always look old. For the second week in a row, Tyra is genuinely nice to the eliminated girl, and tells her how amazing she is. Allison cries, but it’s a pretty minor boo-hoo. I guess the creepychan ate most of her human emotion. Celia, being the wonderful person she is, gives a humble speech about her experience. She blows a big kiss and leaves. And I miss her already.

On the preview for next week… Teyona appears to be choking on the commercial. More on my thoughts for the finale later in the week… Keep checking back for updates up until next Wednesday. And lastly, thanks so much for reading… I’ve broken my reader record every week for the last few weeks, and it’s amazing to know that I’m not wasting my time doing these recaps every week! Love you all!

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7 comments

“Celia would survive elimination after being called desperate by Paulina.”

Desperate how? She’s not the one who has to play Tyra Banks’ sidekick in order to earn gainful employment. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

“Allison says that her background was much easier to work with.”

Sounds Jaslene-esque to me!

“Celia is doing some sort of funky MC Hammer dance in what appears to be a jumpsuit that is at least 5 sizes too large for her. ”

Sounds like a soon to be legendary GIF to me.

“Aminat is annoyed that they have to deal with Celia for another week, since she is ‘a bit much’. ”

UGH! I’m sorry, but I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wish this bitch had gone. I could totally see some ShaRaun-esque NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’s going down, and I think we can all agree that would be very amusing.

“Aminat thinks Celia is a little trashy, which is hilarious, since Aminat looks like a hoodrat in most of her pictures,”

LOLOLOLOL, I know, right?

“and her best buddy in the house can’t spit out a sentence without saying ‘y’all’. ”

ROFL!

“Teyona says that they ‘GOT TEYONA BEAT ON THIS ONE’. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? ”

Oh my…

“They’re ushered off to some random, nondescript place and Aminat asks if they’re going swimming, which I find pretty much awesome, seeing as how there’s no apparent water anywhere.”

Hahahahahaha, wtf?!

“She tells us that she’s a really bad dancer, and that she has no rhythm”

Ummmmmmmm, well then you shouldn’t have come on a modeling show, should you?! LOLOLOLOLOL. I crack me up.

“but the incredibly complex act of twirling ‘had me going’… And it was making her dizzy.”

This girl really is the dumbest bag of hammers around, isn’t she?

“This sounds more like a teach on faking something in the bedroom than samba dancing… Amirite?!”

Umm, that would be if the OTHER person isn’t good at something, you should fake it, no?!

“It’s much too stiff for Samba dancing, according to first-out-on-Dancing with the Stars-Paulina Porizkova”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

“She says that Celia is ‘much too old to model’ and that ‘desperation is not sexy’.”

😐 Then why the fuck is she in the final four?! Did you really pick a bunch of other people THAT useless?! Jesus Chroist.

“Everyone hates this bitch (except me and like 2 other people)”

Well that’s just because you’re seduced by hotness! It’s very Shannon Reid-esque! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. (Sorry, that’s the last time I’ll LOLOLOLOL, I promise.Well no, I suppose THAT’s the last time)

“Paulina mocks her facial expression, ”

Ugh, someone needs to tell this bitch “and you look like you have a penis” ON YOUR FACE! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL (I can’t help myself, alright?)

“She reminds me of Furonda when she showed off her phone sex skills: ‘I just caaaame from ovurrr durrrr…’”

For all her mad skills, I bet Furonda can’t do a good Bernadette Peters.

“Aminat’s face is seriously mad,”

LOL! Good! Someone should have taken a fucking picture of it, so we could see a little variety!

“Sounds like your life as a Covergirl sucks balls, McKey.”

ROFLOLMAO

“two strange men break into their hotel room.”

😐

“Sutan, who has to be the most adorable person ever, after Mike Rosenthal, of course, gets into Celia and Allison’s bed and tries to snuggle with them.”

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

“Allison is just as confused as me and gives Tyra a blank stare. Tyra is all ‘WHATEVUH’,”
Bahahahaha, what the heck?!

“she roundhouse kicks him in the back of the head and he falls to the ground”

In. Her. Dreams.

“hile Tyra is talking, a huge moth-like bat comes flying out of nowhere and gets momentarily caught in Tyra’s weave. The mothbat thing is the fiercest creature of the cycle, because it causes Tyra to scream and freak out for a good 5 seconds. Celia is practically in tears over how good her shoot went, and is overjoyed when Tyra praises her. Tyra is like ‘WELL, YOU KNOW… THERE’S TWO ME’S. There’s the HEY Y’ALL, THIS IS THE REAL ME and the I ONLY HAVE 2 PHOTOS IN MY HAND’. Of course, the second Tyra is a drag queen, based on the tone of her voice, and the first Tyra is Teyona without the jheri curl.”

You are the funniest person on the Earth 🙂

“Uh, what? Then why the hell does she get first call out all the damn time?”

COS HE AIN’T IN CHARGE!

“Tyra sees a rib and almost belly flops off the rocks to get it, but then realizes that it’s a rock and is saved by a number of production assistants.”

STOP BEING SO FUNNY!

“Apparently, we’ve been graced with enough rules to owning your inner fierceness this week, and aren’t treated to one before panel.”

Yay! But your one IS great. When Tyra retires and you take over, you’ll have no trouble keeping them going 😀

“But for the first time ever, Nigel betrays his little horsey”

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

“Paulina, shut up. Nobody cares about you. You were eliminated first on Dancing with the Stars.”

STOP IT! I BEG OF YOU! STOP IT! I’M DYING!

“For the first time in quite a few weeks, her face is doing something interesting”

Hey, thanks for these recaps, I’ve been reading them for the past week. I’ve enjoyed this one much more though because my power went out just before the photoshoot (there was a lightning storm here) so I missed out on the good stuff (and what i hear to be an interesting photshoot[about damn time if you ask me]).

Celia’s all ‘Bitch, I think of sex every time I take a shot… I fake NOTHING’. Allison is like ‘=( Guys won’t sleep with me because they’re afraid I’m going to drink their blood =(’… Aminat giggles sheepishly because she is more of a giver than a receiver, if you catch her drift, and Teyona is all ‘What’s an orgasm?’ — dude, I DIED reading this

So I’ve spent the better part of my sad, sad, 14-year-old summer vacation (so far) reading this blog. Thanks, because I used to have respect for Tyra Banks, and then Allison was eliminated and I was super pissed (though I’m glad now – can you say “kiss of death”?). And then I hated Tyra, and now I see her in a whole new light. She is officially the Rib Queen.

And this is one of the most genius things you’ve ever written:

“Celia’s all ‘Bitch, I think of sex every time I take a shot… I fake NOTHING’. Allison is like ‘=( Guys won’t sleep with me because they’re afraid I’m going to drink their blood =(’… Aminat giggles sheepishly because she is more of a giver than a receiver, if you catch her drift, and Teyona is all ‘What’s an orgasm?’ “

Celia was BY FAR the best and everybody (I mean, Tyra, jealous cunt Paulina, Nigel and of course jealous back-stabbing Aminat) felt threatened by her perfection and great attitude at criticism and setbacks.

I don’t even like Celia actually much since by some of her comments and her attitude towards Thalia, I think she is a prejudiced person, yet I had to admit, by attitude, modeling capabilities, stage presence, COMPETENCE in general she was by far the best of the contestants.

So Aminat decided to start criticizing Celia for “looking old” and both Tyra and her stooges used that as a pretext to eliminate her. How convenient!

I look at Aminat and she looks just as “old” as Celia! in addition –hasn’t anybody noticed this, only me?– Aminat looks like a man, mostly her body shape (super-broad shoulders, muscled and very defined arms and shoulders) and her attitude is that of a tomboy all of the time. I am seriously thinking maybe she’s a transgender person, and as she said when she criticized Celia as looking old, “No offense but. Aminat looks like a guy..”