9 comments:

This is engaging dialogue. I love the expressed philosophy of fighting for yourself instead of against them. One sentence made me do a triple-take: “How do you make you work here?” I get it, I think, but the author's job is to make the reading effortless. Overall, I found it intriguing. Good luck!

I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.

I think because there was no explanation or lead-in to the dialogue, it was at first confusing, but I was able to separate the narrator, Lucy-Jo and Dottie after reading through. The line 'I wiped my eyes though my face must have been red enough to give away what had just happened' seemed a little awkward. I wasn't sure what it was referring to. Also, the last line of dialogue, "I just am, Chance" she said. "And for people like us, that's a curse." I think was a bit mysterious, but again, I think it's because there was no explanation as to what the scene was about.

Thanks for letting me know about that line, Susan. I'll work on it! I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.

I am curious about Chance's mother, why she lacked in the love department. Who is Lucy Jo? Who is the person Chance framed and why did he frame him? And WHY is he telling all of this to his future child? Interested! Write more. Finish. Go! :)

Wow, thanks for the enthusiasm, M! I appreciate it! I am a former Hoosier myself. And, yes, Indiana is the name of Chance's future child. Thanks so much for the suggestions with tightening. I'll work on it! I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge. (And Chance write letters to unborn child because she is angry with her parents for moving to Kentucky and swears she'll be a better mother to her child some day.)

I think this works very well, overall. Most of my gripes are nit-picky. I assumed Chance was a girl, since girls are more likely to write letters to their unborn children. I find it intriguing that Chance could actually be a male protagonist. Their are no pronouns used here to let the reader know one way or the other.

I feel like Dottie came out of nowhere, but she could have been introduced before this chunk of dialog started, so no worries there.

At the beginning of the passage, the sorrow pours in a wave. This bothered me because waves do not pour. They crash, the rush, they wash, but they don't pour.

A similar thing bothered me about the magic bullet. Bullets are usually held behind the counter at places like Wal-Mart and gun stores. You don't pick them up off of a shelf. Also, my Wal-Mart is woefully insufficient if yours sells things like magic bullets. A magic 8 ball you could find on a Wal-Mart shelf, and they have answers, albeit vague ones at best.

This is a pretty effective snippet of dialog. Your characters voices are distinguishable and the conversation flows pretty naturally. I think, with a few tweaks, you've got a pretty solid scene.

Thanks for your comment, Gabby! I really appreciate your suggestions and cant't wait to fix that sorrow line. As for the bullet, I mean the magic bullet appliance! It's sold at Wal-Mart. I imagine Lucy Jo will be the kind of person who shops for one. But maybe it's not well known enough for people to get that line. Maybe I need a more obvious thing you can buy at Wal-Mart.

(Chance is a 16-year-old young woman, by the way.)

I'm really sorry about the missing explanation. I know it's too late, but here it is if you're interested... 16-year-old Chance Best experiences severe bullying at her new high school after her family moves from suburban Maryland to rural Kentucky for her career-oriented mother's new job. Totally rejected by her peers, Chance seeks solace from the secretaries in the high school main office, Lucy Jo and Dottie, after an especially bad bullying incident and her failed attempt at revenge.