How to Talk to Teenagers

The first step is to stop talking and listen, without any agendas.

I get this request pretty often. And my answer is: no. I can’t talk sense into people. If I could, I’d charge a lot more for what I do.

I’m not in the business of convincing. I’m in the business of listening.

I like to watch teenagers talk sense into themselves. It’s where the magic of therapy really happens.

At the risk of sounding like an absolute cheese ball, I call it “magic” because something appears out of apparent nothingness. Honesty and openness now shine from a face that once proclaimed: Sorry. We’re Closed.

Authenticity is the only currency they accept. We adults like to manufacture counterfeit authenticity, and although it may work for the fast-paced, cut-to-the-chase world of adulthood, it doesn’t fly with kids. It repels. You can't ‘sell’ them sincerity.

Why do teenagers place such a heavy demand for sincerity and purity of intent?

Because it plants a newfound hope, that maybe – just maybe – adulthood isn’t as ‘adulterated’ as they thought. Restoring this hope is what teenagers need today more than ever before. It gives them a sense of security. A reminder that the openness of childhood doesn’t necessarily come to an end; it just takes new shapes and forms.

So try giving them some unadulterated, undivided attention. Openly, non-judgmentally.

This is a lot harder than it sounds. But here are a few pointers to help unlock the doorway to a place where genuine communication may naturally evolve...

1. Check Your Motives

Remember, when teenagers are approached by adults, their defenses instantly activate (consciously or unconsciously). They aren’t accustomed to validation and curiosity. They’re accustomed to intrusion, instruction, lecturing, and power struggles. At least this is how they perceive it. As adults we are generally "guilty until proven innocent," and many of us have done a fine job at reinforcing this unfortunate trend.

Teenagers will instantly detect any ulterior motives. Don’t ask them how they’re doing because you want them to spill some secrets. Ask them how they’re doing because you want to give them what they so hardly get: undivided, heartfelt attention. The goal isn’t interrogation. It’s communication. Never forget that.

Try to see the world from their eyes. Unless we are willing to momentarily suspend our frame of mind, there will be very little room for a bona fide personal exchange. We like to influence teenagers a lot more than we like to be influenced by them. It’s our comfort zone. We shall enlighten, and they shall become enlightened.

But teens resent this. It reinforces their subconscious fears that “growing up” means the end of spontaneity and the start of lifeless role-playing.

Surprise them with curiosity. Try shifting the gears. Let them lead the way. Become the listener they’ve never encountered. They will intuitively appreciate your willingness to step outside the box, which is precisely where teens like to play. Outside the box.

3. Look beyond the Screen

Teens and technology often go hand-in-hand. They like surfing through the waves of cutting-edge innovation and the various gadgets that offer it.

Instead of asking them to turn their screens off, try joining the fun. It’s an easy in. Meet them where they are. Ask them what they like to play, how they like to chat - Facebook? Twitter? BBM? G-Chat? Notice their excitement. Encourage it. If they feel passionate about something, delve into it! Even if they spend 20 minutes trying to explain why Angry Birds is the greatest invention since sliced bread – never roll your eyes. If it means something to them, it has value. Don’t undermine their values. Unless you want them to undermine yours.

Meeting them where they are means giving them home-court advantage. It goes a long way. If you can play on their court, they just may be willing to visit yours.

Once we’ve established a trusting relationship with a teenager, our odds of communicating with them increases exponentially. They have stuff on their minds. Lots of stuff.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Doni Joszef is a cognitive psychotherapist practicing with adolescents and young adults in Cedarhurst. He is a member of the DRS Guidance Department, and is available by appointment. For more information visit DeficitOfAttention.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 17

(11)
Sharlene' De'vaiople,
March 17, 2012 8:29 PM

A very well written and expressed article! You write AMAZING articles! I myself currently have 9 teenage children, 4 of whom are twins and 3 of whom are triplets. I am an expert on them and frequently give parenting advice on teenagers. I also presently give wwekly classes at the Benoni High Synagogue on Monday nights from 6:30pm - 9:30pm and for more info phone 478-3982. Hope to hear from you! Best regards to everyone and wish them well from me and I hope you managing with Passover!

Diana,
May 26, 2013 9:21 PM

parenting advice

Sharlene,
Hi, you don't know me but I just read your posting and I need help with my teenager. I hope we can connect soon on the phone or via e-mail.
Sincerely,
Diana

(10)
joey,
January 7, 2012 5:11 PM

Unbelievable Article

Thank you Mr Joszef for your well written article. I think you should spread your words of wisdom to all parents of teenagers.
- Shtetle Yid

(9)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2012 11:20 PM

great advice but how realistic?

I hear all the wise words in this article but just tonight my teenager started telling me about "all these great apps you can get" and I rolled my eyes and said, but why? why would you want them? and anyway, he doesn't own a phone, let alone a smart one! so how we we express displeasure while engaging them on their level?

Anonymous,
January 6, 2012 4:29 PM

Rolling Eyes = Big No No.

Your teenager began telling you about "all these great apps you can get" and you rolled your eyes and said, "but why? why would you want them? you don't even own a phone!?"
1) Rolling our eyes at teenagers is the surest way to lose their trust. It shows we undermine their interests and don't value their points of view. I would definitely try to avoid eye-rolling as much as possible. It models intolerance and impatience.
2) Your reply sounds less curious than it does disapproving. An engaging reply would be more like: "Interesting. What about these apps gets you so excited? Which apps would you want to get if you had your own phone?" ---
It sounds like you interpreted your teenager's comment about "apps" as some type of request for a phone (preferably a "smart" one.) so you may have felt the need to discourage the request (as to avoid its rejection) but your teen was simply expressing excitement about innovation. Why stump the excitement?

Batsheva,
January 7, 2012 7:05 PM

You are missing the point

It doesn't matter what they are talking about, listen! Especially if all you have to do is patiently listen to a description of the apps because he is fascinated by them, there is no threat to you because he has no phone and won't get them anyways, He just wants to share his interest with you and you shut him down with your eye rolling. He was trying to let you in and you shut him out. Instead listen to the description with interest and you can NON-critically discuss the pros and cons of what he shared with you. And again, you have the added advantage that you don't need to be afraid of the discussion because it will not lead to a purchase! Re-read the article and try again if you are lucky enough to get the chance!

Emma,
January 7, 2012 11:41 PM

Don't roll your eyes

Why would you express displeasure? Because he has an interest that isn't yours? Maybe he's talking to you about insignificant things to see if you're really listening. When he see's that you really are interested in what he has to say, he may just open up to you about other things. Don't belittle his interests. He'll start keeping a lot more to himself if he sees you rolling your eyes at him.

Rachel Welfeld,
January 8, 2012 1:16 AM

Your asking a great question. When your asking your child "why would you want them?" make it a real question, full of curiosity and with out judgment. Then you'll have a better understanding of them, and in sharing with you,they'll gain a better understanding of themselves. I believe that one of our biggest jobs as parents is to help our children understand themselves. This then gives them the understanding to make better choices for themselves. Hopefully the more you listen to and understand your child the less displeasure you'll have with the choices they are making.

(8)
Anonymous,
January 5, 2012 6:22 PM

Great pointers, but...

Thank you for the great pointers, but how does a parent incorporate this with the fact that they are still children who need guidance, encouragement and yes - even instructions. Don't "Clear guidlines and expectations" make children feel more secure and sure of themselves? Any tips on balancing the two would be very appreciated.

Doni Joszef,
January 6, 2012 4:17 PM

GREAT QUESTION!

I'm glad you asked this question, as it is the obvious "other side of the coin." Yes, they are still "children" (although, I prefer to see them as "young adults") who still "need guidance." The question is not "DO they need guidance?" it is "HOW can we guide them without turning them off?" If they don't trust that our hearts are in the right place, then all the "wisdom" and "guidance" that we have to offer goes flying out the window. We need to earn their trust if we truly want our guidance to be heard, accepted, integrated (and, maybe, even appreciated!). This article was meant to highlight the trust-earning phase of guidance [which is often where we shoot ourselves in the foot.] If they trust us, they will be open to our guidance. If not, whatever we say will only reinforce their avoidance.

(7)
Laya,
January 4, 2012 5:56 AM

YES!

We need to know these things and we need to keep learning them again and again. Thanks for this piece, well written for building. Sharing on Facebook. Did I say thank you?? :-)

(6)
Anonymous,
January 4, 2012 3:59 AM

Agree!

As a teacher I see so many parents not speaking their child's language. You can see the pain in the children but your article nails the point so strongly. Great job Mr. Joszef. I hope some more parents see this...

(5)
Tammy,
January 3, 2012 10:49 PM

Teenagers

Wouldn't it be great if we approached teenagers with the idea of disarming them instead of causing them to bristle every time we are around. I can only still remember too well what it was like to be one. I wouldn't want to go through it again for any reason and especially in this day and age. Most of them probably don't realize it but they need us old codgers more then ever and this will become truer and truer as the days progress.

I’m wondering what happened to the House of David. After the end of the Kingdom of Judah was there any memory what happened to King David’s descendants? Is there any family today which can trace its lineage to David – and whom the Messiah might descend from?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you for your good question. There is no question that King David’s descendants are alive today. God promised David through Nathan the Prophet that the monarchy would never depart from his family (II Samuel 7:16). The prophets likewise foretell the ultimate coming of the Messiah, descendant of David, the “branch which will extend from the trunk of Jesse,” who will restore the Davidic dynasty and Israel’s sovereignty (Isaiah 11:1, see also Jeremiah 33:15, Ezekiel 37:25).

King David’s initial dynasty came to an end with the destruction of the First Temple and the Babylonian Exile. In an earlier expulsion King Jehoiachin was exiled by Nebuchadnezzar, together with his family and several thousand of the Torah scholars and higher classes (II Kings 24:14-16). Eleven years later the Temple was destroyed. The final king of Judah, Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah, was too exiled to Babylonia. He was blinded and his children were executed (II Kings 25:7).

However, Jehoiachin and his descendants did survive in exile. Babylonian cuneiform records actually attest to Jehoiachin and his family receiving food rations from the government. I Chronicles 3:17:24 likewise lists several generations of his descendants (either 9 or 15 generations, depending on the precise interpretation of the verses), which would have extended well into the Second Temple era. (One was the notable Zerubbabel, grandson of Jehoiachin, who was one of the leaders of the return to Zion and the construction the Second Temple.)

In Babylonia, the leader of the Jewish community was known as the Reish Galuta (Aramaic for “head of the exile,” called the Exilarch in English). This was a hereditary position recognized by the Babylonian government. Its bearer was generally quite wealthy and powerful, well-connected to the government and wielding much authority over Babylonian Jewry.

According to Jewish tradition, the Exilarch was a direct descendant of Jehoiachin. The Talmud (Sanhedrin 5a) understands Genesis 49:10 – Jacob’s blessing to Judah that “the staff would not be removed from Judah” – as a reference to the Exilarchs in Babylonia, “who would chastise Israel with the staff,” i.e., who exercised temporal authority over the Jewish community. It stands to reason that these descendants of Judah were descendants of David’s house, who would have naturally been the leaders of the Babylonian community, in fulfillment of God’s promise to David that authority would always rest in his descendants.

There is also a chronological work, Seder Olam Zutta (an anonymous text from the early Middle Ages), which lists 39 generations of Exilarchs beginning with Jehoiachin. One of the commentators to Chronicles, the Vilna Gaon, states that the first one was Elionai of I Chronicles 3:23.

The position of Exilarch lasted for many centuries. The Reish Galuta is mentioned quite often in the Talmud. As can be expected, some were quite learned themselves, some deferred to the rabbis for religious matters, while some, especially in the later years, fought them and their authority tooth and nail.

Exilarchs existed well into the Middle Ages, throughout the period of the early medieval scholars known as the Gaonim. The last ones known to history was Hezekiah, who was killed in 1040 by the Babylonian authorities, although he was believed to have had sons who escaped to Iberia. There are likewise later historical references to descendants of the Exilarchs, especially in northern Spain (Catelonia) and southern France (Provence).

Beyond that, there is no concrete evidence as to the whereabouts of King David’s descendants. Supposedly, the great French medieval sage Rashi (R. Shlomo Yitzchaki) traced his lineage to King David, although on a maternal line. (In addition, Rashi himself had only daughters.) The same is said of Rabbi Yehuda Loewe of Prague (the Maharal). Since Ashkenazi Jews are so interrelated, this is a tradition, however dubious today, shared by many Ashkenazi Jews.

In any event, we do not need be concerned today how the Messiah son of David will be identified. He will be a prophet, second only to Moses. God Himself will select him and appoint him to his task. And he himself, with his Divine inspiration, will resolve all other matters of Jewish lineage (Maimonides Hilchot Melachim 12:3).

Yahrtzeit of Kalonymus Z. Wissotzky, a famous Russian Jewish philanthropist who died in 1904. Wissotzky once owned the tea concession for the Czar's entire military operation. Since the Czar's soldiers numbered in the millions and tea drinking was a daily Russian custom, this concession made Wissotzky very rich. One day, Wissotzky was approached by the World Zionist Organization to begin a tea business in Israel. He laughed at this preposterous idea: the market was small, the Turkish bureaucracy was strict, and tea leaves from India were too costly to import. Jewish leaders persisted, and Wissotzky started a small tea company in Israel. After his death, the tea company passed to his heirs. Then in 1917, the communists swept to power in Russia, seizing all of the Wissotzky company's assets. The only business left in their possession was the small tea company in Israel. The family fled Russia, built the Israeli business, and today Wissotzky is a leading brand of tea in Israel, with exports to countries worldwide -- including Russia.

Building by youth may be destructive, while when elders dismantle, it is constructive (Nedarim 40a).

It seems paradoxical, but it is true. We make the most important decisions of our lives when we are young and inexperienced, and our maximum wisdom comes at an age when our lives are essentially behind us, and no decisions of great moment remain to be made.

While the solution to this mystery eludes us, the facts are evident, and we would be wise to adapt to them. When we are young and inexperienced, we can ask our elders for their opinion and then benefit from their wisdom. When their advice does not coincide with what we think is best, we would do ourselves a great service if we deferred to their counsel.

It may not be popular to champion this concept. Although we have emerged from the era of the `60s, when accepting the opinion of anyone over thirty was anathema, the attitude of dismissing older people as antiquated and obsolete has-beens who lack the omniscience of computerized intelligence still lingers on.

Those who refuse to learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. We would do well to swallow our youthful pride and benefit from the teachings of the school of experience.

Today I shall...

seek advice from my elders and give more serious consideration to deferring to their advice when it conflicts with my desires.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...