The Gottman Methodfor Couples

I have a confession to make: I used to steal my husband’s towel and leave him towel-less. Wet, cold, and frustrated. (Here, "used to" loosely translates to: I'm nearly in full remission from my towel stealing days). Doesn't sound like a huge crime, even for a Marriage and Family Therapist, right? So why did I steal his towel? Well, because the day prior I used my own and left it on the ground in our room (I know, annoying); so, I obviously needed his.

Now, this might be an easy fix for him— he could grab another towel from the hanging towel rack, check if his towel was there before he got into the shower, or ideally, laugh fondly at my forgetfulness. But no. He was frustrated by this seemingly insignificant habit. I became the ‘thoughtless, disrespectful, towel-thief’.

"These are the types of arguments that lead people into full-blown relationship war-zones. How can something so small become so BIG?"

When he first expressed his frustration, it seemed small to me, "oh, oops, I snagged your towel again!" Quickly it became, "why are you so frustrated over a damn towel? Just grab a new one!"

These are the types of arguments that lead people into full-blown relationship war-zones. How can something so small become so BIG?

It's not about the towel.

In relationships we yearn to be seen, heard, and to be deeply understood and cared for by our partners. We long for a lifetime of friendship, admiration, respect, passion, and safety. We want someone who we can share life’s exciting adventures and most mundane boring parts with. However, relationships are HARD. We are trying to successfully manage our own emotions, our own daily life stressors, work, health, staying motivated and so on, all the while balancing supporting our partner and our relationship. (Hence why we might not always consider the impact of leaving the toilet seat up, taking the trash out, forgetting to respond to a text, not show enough empathy when our partner has had a bad day, OR stealing the towel for the 30th time).

"In couples therapy, you get this much-needed education, skill building, a deeper understanding of your partner, yourself, and how to build or re-build a loving, connected, trusting relationship."

Supporting our partner and our relationship may include, but is not limited to: managing finances together, managing conflict, opposing views on important topics like children and politics, balancing schedules, maintaining a healthy, fun sex life and friendship even when you are tired, over-worked, and at a loss for time. And of course, attending to your partners emotional needs. This is where couple’s therapy comes in— trust me, it’s not hopeless (read on).

I don't know about you, but when I was growing up I didn't receive much education on things like how to cope with difficult emotions and express them in a way that another person would best be able to listen and understand me. Or how to talk about and manage really difficult topics like money, kids, and sex. Or how trauma and past relationship dynamics might influence my own relationships in the future, and how to manage that. Point being, although relationships can be all of the wonderful things we imagine, everyone needs tools, coping skills and specific methods to implement in the most difficult and emotional times. We need a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics to achieve this.

In couples therapy, you get this much-needed education, skill building, a deeper understanding of your partner, yourself, and how to build or re-build a loving, connected, trusting relationship. You can learn how to develop and sustain a meaningful and worthwhile partnership that you feel deeply satisfied in.

In my practice, I use The Gottman Method to help couples, which focuses on repairing the 9 key components that have been identified as being present in healthy and loving relationships. The 9 components that are focused on in therapy are:

Building love maps (Get to know your partner on a deeper level and increase friendship and a sense of closeness)

Sharing fondness and admiration (This includes both physical and verbal/emotional affection)

Turning towards (This is a learned skill that helps partners identify ways in which they can improve their sense of closeness and "you've got my back" or "you get me" and increases the feeling of safety in a relationship)

The positive perspective (seeing your partner as a friend, not an enemy)

Managing conflict (it's okay to not always agree, and even to argue! You'll learn very specific, evidence-based ways to manage conflict {A.K.A. a better way to argue!} The ways you'll be taught will help you and your partner feel more understood, less defensive, more in tune with one another, and as if progress has been made after a disagreement)

Making life dreams come true, together (Identify and learn about your own life dreams as well as your partners, and then learn how to support one another in making this happen! - This is what being in a long term, committed partnership is all about: Having someone to share your most important life moments and have someone to back you up along the way, all while having fun and feeling safe and loved.)

Creating shared meaning (Build a sense of "we-ness" that makes you feel like a team working towards collaborative goals. Start spending more quality time together and learn more about what brings you fulfillment and satisfaction as a unit)

Trust (Strengthen or rebuild a sense of confidence and assurance with your partner)

Commitment (Define and show your dedication and loyalty to your partner and the bond you share)

As I wrote earlier, relationships are HARD —but they don't have to be painful, confusing, or full of anguish. With deeper insights, well thought-out and practiced skills, partners can thrive in their relationships, and reconnect with that once-felt excitement, joy and passion about being with the one they love. According to research, it is actually imperative to nurture and attend to your relationship because it is a critical component of your health and well-being. Studies show that we become emotionally, mentally and physically weakened when our relationships are failing or we have a deficient amount of interpersonal connection. So, the health of your relationship shapes the health of your body and mind. I am here to support, help educate and encourage a positive, thriving relationship with your partner and remind you: it’s not about the towel.