Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Bad Writing: Let's Go There

Here are some nuggets to make you feel better. Some of these horrific examples (a few of which are actually pretty clever) come from student essays (allegedly), and a few are from my own experience.

Let's look at some of great failed metaphors. These people really took the teacher's advice to heart of avoiding the cliche, but oh, what a mess they made otherwise.

1. He was as tall as a six-foot-three inch tree.2. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.3. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for while.4. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.5. It hurt, the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.6. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.7. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.9. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef

Then there are the horrible descriptions, such as "He began to think about starting to run." Or maybe this one: "Utterly dismayed, she threw up her arms." (Kinda gross if you ask me).

Books on my Shelves

Greatest Hits (Books on Writing)

Some recent additions:Larsen, Michael. How to Get a Literary AgentUeland, Brenda. If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence, and SpiritBurroway, Janet. Writing Fiction: a Guide to Narrative CraftEdgerton, Les. Hooked: Write Fiction That Grabs Readers at Page One and Never Let’s Them Go

StartersLeGuin, Ursula K. Steering the Craft: Exercises and Discussions on Story Writing for the Lone Navigator or the Mutinous CrewMcCormack, Thomas. The Fiction EditorSellers, Heather. Chapter by Chapter: Discover the Dedication and Focus You Need to Write the Book of Your Dreams

Craft and Exercise-BasedBaxter, Charles. The Art of Subtext: Beyond PlotBell, Madison Smart. Narrative DesignBurroway, Janet. Writing Fiction: a Guide to Narrative CraftConroy, Frank The Eleventh Draft: Craft and the Writing Life from the Iowa Writers’ WorkshopEdelstein, Scott. Manuscript SubmissionKoch, Stephen. The Modern Library Writer’s Workshop: A Guide to the Craft of FictionKrull, Kathleen. 12 Keys to Writing Books that SellLukeman, Noah. The First Five PagesMcCauley & Lanning. Technique in FictionMcClanahan, Rebecca. Word Painting: A Guide to Writing More DescriptivelyO’Connor, Frank. The Lonely Voice: A Study of the Short StoryStern, Jerome. Making Shapely Fiction

PublicationApplebaum, Judith. How to Get Happily PublishedBernstein, Leonard. Getting Published: The Writer in the Combat ZoneCollier, Oscar. How to Write and Sell Your First NovelCurtis, Richard . How to Be Your Own Literary Agent: An Insider’s Guide to Getting Your Book PublishedHill, Brian & Dee Power. The Making of a Best Seller: Success Stories from Authors and the Editors, Agents, and Booksellers Behind ThemLarsen, Michael. How to Get a Literary AgentLerner, Betsy. The Forest For the Trees: an Editor’s Advice to WritersLevasseur, Jennifer & Kevin Rabalais. Novel Voices: 17 Award-Winning Novelists on How to Write, Edit, and Get Published

InspirationalAtwood, Margaret. Negotiating with the Dead: a Writer on WritingBlythe, Will. Why I Write: Thoughts on the Craft of FictionCameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way: a Spiritual Path to Higher CreativityCameron, Julia. The Vein of Gold: a Journey to Your Creative HeartCameron, Julia. Walking in the World: the Practical Art of CreativityDillard, Annie. The Writing LifeGoldberg, Natalie. Thunder and Lightning: Cracking Open the Writer’s CraftGoldberg, Natalie. The Wild Mind: Living the Writer’s LifeGoldberg, Natalie. Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer WithinKing, Stephen. On Writing: a Memoir of the CraftLamott, Anne. Bird by Bird: some Instructions on Writing and LifeLott, Bret. Before We Get Started: A Practical MemoirMailer, Norman. The Spooky Art: some Thoughts on WritingMcClanahan, Rebecca. Write Your Heart OutOates, Joyce Carol. The Faith of a Writer: Life, Craft, ArtSee, Carolyn. Making a Literary Life: Advise for Writers and other Dreamers

ClassicsBradbury, Ray. Zen in the Art of WritingForster, E. M. Aspects of the NovelGardner, John. The Art of Fiction: Notes on Craft for Young WritersGardner, John. On Moral FictionMiller, Henry. Henry Miller On WritingO’Connor, Flannery. Mystery and Manners: Occasional ProseUeland, Brenda. If You Want to Write: A Book About Art, Independence, and SpiritWelty, Eudora. One Writer’s BeginningsWoolf, Virginia. A Room of One’s Own

Language and SyntaxStrunk, William Jr. The Elements of StyleZinsser, William. On Writing Well: the Classical Guide to Writing NonfictionZinsser, William. Writing to Learn