When I was still quite young, I was offered the chance to spend several weeks in the South of France. My Uncle was going to drive me down in his vintage MG sports car. There would be sun, sand and, crucially, French girls.

Gah.
- I regret not leaving the hellhole private school I went to until after I'd done my A-levels. Given my time again I would have got out when I had the chance and started afresh at another, less freaky, school.

- Not hitting Stalker Boy in the face with a frying pan.

- Letting someone I know who really gets on my nerves railroad me into helping her with causing all kinds of Fatal Attraction-style vengeance against someone who to be perfectly honest didn't really deserve it. No matter how much she thinks he does. (EDIT: I can't say a lot about this because she does occasionally read b3ta and the last thing I want is the vengeance switching targets...).

- Deciding to go to Switzerland for my year abroad. Because now I actually have to go (in about a week) and I'm terrified.
(Maladicta, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 16:11,
Reply)

Actually....
Home brew whisky.I was 17 and the invite was to a small gathering at a friends friends house. Bring a bottle sort of thing, so the obligatory bottles of wine, cider, etc were taken along.Someone brought a bottle of home brew, undistilled whisky. No one dared touch it. Not being an accomplished drinker at that time, I wanted to show that I could indeed drink with the best of them. Fast forward 20 minutes, and the bottle was empty. Not too many recollections of what happened during the rest of the evening, but I'm reliably informed that I was thrown out into the driveway (in the middle of a cold december), brought back in when they thought I was sufffering with hypothermia and had literally spray painted the side of the house in vomit. Vaguely recall being cuddled by 2 lovely females in front of the fire.

The regret was not the 4 and a half day hangover, nor the fact that 13 years on I still feel ill and the smell of whisky or that I made a complete tool of myself in front of total strangers.My one regret was whilst being carried into the house through the kitchen, I screamed "Van Basten" (Dutch football of the time) and volleyed the canary cage complete with contents of canary across the kitchen. I don't know if it survived.
(SqueakyRat, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 15:46,
Reply)

Chemotherapy
1997 - The Bruswick Pub, Crewe.I had recently gone from long pony-tailed big hair to a grade 0 - just for shits and giggles...

I'm stood at the bar having a few scoops when Dave Miller, my old English lecturer from SCC comes over to me, the first time I had seen him since leaving college.

Dave and I always had a very stifled and reserved relationship - we mutually thought each other was a joke and also I was apparantly a contributing factor to Mike Gallagher's (the former head of the English department) 'retirement'.

Dave came bowling over to me with a big piss-taking grin, slaps me on the back and comes out with a happy put-down -

"So Rob, going for a POW look to gain sympathy from the DSS?"

It was one of those moments where I wish my acting skills weren't quite as capable....

"No Dave" - I dropped my head and broke eye contact, "I've just come out of Chemotherapy....."

There wasn't another word - there was a chill, Dave went ashen, put his pint on the table and walked out with his head down....

Scottish Girl
It was the summer of, err, cant remember now! We were staying on a camping site near to RAF Fairford for the Air Tattoo. We went both days and had much fun. But the real fun was at the club/pub. Full of teenage horemones and egarness! I got talking to a scottish girl called 'Kerry' (that isnt here name, i dont want to put her real name up! haha!!). She was from a little village just outside Inverness. Over that weekend we had so much fun. We went for walks around the lakes, biking together, dancing and we also went on a trip to the romantic town of Swindon together. We had a really good connection, better then any connection ive had in my home town. He shared our first kiss together on our last night together and had the soppy goodbyes. Excahnged fone numbers, adress and promised we would see each other. Blah Blah Blah

Anywhoo, fast forward to about 3 years ago. True to our words, we visited each other as much as we could. Both having just left school spent all the money we had visiting each other. But there was a change this time. She wanted me to move in with her. She had allready ok'd it with her old man and had her spare room made up ready for me (not for long, id would be in her room like a shot!). After our weekend at hers it would be time for me to go home. I get back, sit in my room and pack my things. I had almost everything i wanted packed then it hit me. Is this what i wanted? I took a few days off work that week weighing up the pros and cons of moving. Looked and emaild about jobs in Inverness and that to keep me going. I was in 2 minds.

Then i made the decision. After weighing up moving to a strange town with not mates to be with the girl i love, i worship and loves and worships me back. I said No. Loads of tears from both ends, i thought the step was too big to handle, i had a life, a (new) carear and mates and memories of My Fair Town (not Derby btw). We kinda drifted apart after that and stopped all contact about 2 weeks after that. That was until about 4 months ago when i heard 'Kerrys' name mentioned in my friends girls magazine. She is a clothes model now for a glossy mag. She looked more georgeous then i remember. She still had her cheeky smile and everything.

To this day, NOT moving up to Inverness was the most regretable thing ive EVER done. The city i live in now is full of illegals, next to no job opitunitys, cows who are only after my money and No Kerry. I do miss her though I got back into contact with her when i saw the pics. She is now engaged to a big time twat/banker in London and says she still misses me. She said seeing me would be like cheating on her bloke. Fucksocks.

P.S, If any of you girls out there seem to only pick up the weirdos or the insane. Message me! Im not Weird or Insane! haha!

*pop* goes my cherry

And im sorry for the girth, not for length. Inverness is a LONG way away
(DebbieDoesDerby, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 15:09,
Reply)

Long Flight, Bad Food
This is the closest thing to a regret I ever had. When I was a lil' lad of just 12 my parents decided to fly my brother and I to germany for 3 weeks to stay with some family friends. Great time there, went to theme parks met people played some weird german form of bowling. I still dont know what it is called.

Anyway, On the trip back we got the kiddy inflight dinners. Mine was delicious whereas my brother had what appeared to be green sausages. Me being 12 and hungry said "don't worry, i'll eat them" And i did, they were a little dry.

Afterwards though I had the worst bowel movements ever, I spent the rest of the flight with a blanket over me to keep the smell of my delightful farts in. 20 Minutes before landing my brother and I were moved up to first class (being younger kids we needed looking after)

So i was sitting in first class, farting like my mother and sweating like my father. And a short 5 minutes before landing i had the largest power vomit into those handy vomit bags you have ever seen. I felt a lot better after i filled up that bag.

So my biggest regret was ever eating airline food, never again (I know the question is a "not doing - regret" but i think this counts)
(faultykyle, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 14:59,
Reply)

Regrets over not sleeping with more people
All of you who've written here about their biggest regrets involving not making a move on so-and-so who was 'gagging for it' etc etc should feel very pleased with themselves: if that truly is your biggest regret then you have nothing to worry about. It's the biggies in life that get you, like not making the effort to talk to someone, then finding out they passed away. If there's someone out there you've been meaning to call and tell them how much you like their company then for Gods' sake do it: you never know what might happen to them, or to you before you get the chance.
(Chook, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 14:41,
Reply)

Up the stick
A few years ago when Mrs Frankspencer was just fiancee Frankspencer we had a pregnancy scare and she missed her period. She's a Catholic and wouldn't consider an abortion. I hate kids (I was a teacher). What did I say to her in her moment of worry?

What I said was a shameful and highly unenlightened comment which caused her not to speak to me until she finally got her phantom period:

"It's not murder! A bogey has a more complex cell structure after two weeks!"
(frankspencer, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 14:18,
Reply)

a right thick twunt in portsmuff
I was ** and beautiful Zoe was ten years younger, me finishing my degree and she two terms into hers and we dated, shagged and then over the month i thought she's too young (she admired me floyd and Zep albums and asked me if Punk had been good times?) and instead dated an alcoholic, bulimic-turned out to be married-dope fiend who fu*cked me friends (and no i wasn't there to watch) my regret is that she no doubt married some older more mature less neurotic floyd/zep fan....
(mickturateif i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 13:53,
Reply)

Well, seeing as there are some other dark truths out there..
I regret not realising sooner that the abusive bag of shite and the shite he dished out when I was fifteen, was as big a deal as it was. I regret pretending it didn't happen. I regret wasting so many years being angry and fucked up and hurting people I loved because of it. I regret letting it affect me as much as it did.

*cheers up*

But I reckon karma owes me now, so maybe the thing with regrets is accept them, pile them up and hopefully await the joyous silver linings...
(ancrennedoesn't eat anything that can play video games, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 13:48,
Reply)

Spiderman
After a two year long relationship I'm now out on the pull once again and, seeing as I'm living with an ex-marine, my idea of having a laugh has turned very much squaddie oriented.

So, when I pull and I'm leaving the club last night, this house-mate of mine whispers in my ear "Spiderman, dude! £20 as a prize!".

Cut forwards a few hours to this random and me in bed, me spluffing into my hand and throwing into her face while screaming 'GO WEB, GO!'

Doggy style
Okay, funny story starring a friend of a friend of a friend. Wel the girl in question's boyfriend came over and fancied some anal. Unfortunatly she sorta needed to take a dump before they started but didnt. The sex caused her to defecate all over the living room couch.Her mom soon comes home and in a seemingly-smart decician, she blames the dog.

The mom gets the family pet put down.

Whats the worst bit? The embaracement? The shame? The guilt? Im sure she must feel regret in there somehere for some reason.
(iowasevenhates your animations., Mon 9 Oct 2006, 13:43,
Reply)

taking the nuns at junior school seriously
when they told us we should get a briefcase as a schoolbag for senior school.

aged 11, my best friend and i turned up at a huge new school full of cool kids. with our socks pulled up and clutching identical briefcases.

we never lived it down. and i mean, never.
(rachelswipewith a fork, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 13:12,
Reply)

I woke up one day, and thought Ive had enough of all this rat race type carp. So bought a bag, made a plan of where to go around the world, the following day I drove to London (Trailfinders) ditching my car in a train station on the way, booked to fly to Singapore the same day, and didnt tell anyone of my where abouts, until 10 mins before getting on the plane, a quick text to the Mrs. and friends (the content of which was somewhat cryptic - booked it, packed it funked off). A nervous flight got me to Singapore and spent the following few days shiting myself.

Luckily the wonderfull Mrs came out to spend a month with me in thailand and drag my ass back to England 4 months later.

Simple really
I missed out on fucking the most gorgeous woman on the planet because I was shy :(
(pobblepopWhere's my hasenpfeffer?, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 12:50,
Reply)

mothers....
my mother divorced my dad when i was cos he was violent....so, she left me and my sis with him...she came back to see me when i was 14, then saw me about once a month until i was about 24, (which really messed up me & the old man) she then f*ucked off again and I haven't seen her in 20+years...my regret? I didn't call the old cunt a cunt when i had the chance.............but i'm not bitter, more twisted really
(mickturateif i could be arsed i'd be bored, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 12:36,
Reply)

My mate Jason got engaged to a lovely girl called Trudy a few years (they're still together, expecting their second child this week, good luck!). At the time of the engagement, Truds was living in a student home close to Swansea City Centre with 5 other ladies. A few of them were quite lovely, but were either taken or lesbians. I mean they were mostly lesbians, they had the membership cards to proove it. Me n Jason got to know her flatmates, and when the engagement night occured we ended up being dragged to a gayclub (called the H2O). Me and Jason were a bit dubious, but our resistance to attending had faultered after the first drink (a pint of vodka and coke each with 3/4's vodka would do it). We stumble in and have a good night. I get ratted, and half-fall asleep on a table where a barman who resembled Curly Watts tried chatting me up, and almost got twatted by an empty bottle of Bud. At the end of the night, we all stumble outside and jump in a taxi back to the student home, all completely mullered. Jas and Truds head off to their room for some "celebrating", and I'm left on my tod in the kitchen. One of the girls there asks if I want to sleep on the floor in her room as she has a spare pull-out matress. Hell sure, says Jeccy, and praise her with thanks and happiness (and slurring). I wander into her room, pull out the matress and collapse on it. She opens a cupboard, pulls out a spare duvet and pillow, and I thank her and start drifting off.She hops into the bed just beside the matress, turns the light off and starts to go to sleep also.5 minutes later, I'm almost flaked out and I hear the bedroom door open. In walks one of the lesbians, who asks the charitable girl "Oh, can I sleep at the end of your bed?". Yes was the reply, and lesbian hops into the bed. I'm a bit drunk, so I don't really think anything of this, until 5 minutes later I hear one of them say "I can't do this, this isn't right."

HELLO.

I fake a yawn, and roll over on the matress to face them (slick drunk Jeccy, real slick). Neither of them notice as they start munching away like a fat-club reunion. Not saying that they were fat, they were both quite fit too. Amazing. Except...in my drunked state, I felt guilty. Because I knew both of these girls, I felt as if I was intruding on their private life, and didn't want to embarass them. They went at it for what seemed like 2 fucking hours, until we all fell asleep.The next morning, I woke up and one of the lesbo's arse's was hanging over the side of the bed right by my head (I jumped backwards in fright, caught me right off-guard as the first sight of the morning). I got up and promptly legged it while they were still out cold.

DRINK IS A ALIEN!!!!!!! FUCKING MIND CONTROL TWAT!!!!!I COULD'VE TRIED TO HOP IN, THEY MUST'VE BEEN GAME TO HAVE IT OFF NEXT TO ME, BUT OHHHHHHH NO, FUCKING ALCOHOL CUNT, STOPPED ME HAVING THE NIGHT OF MY LIFE, STUPID CUNTING VODKA TWAT FUCKER!!!!!!

Still, two weeks later I fucked this pair of right tarts in a flat up the road, oh well, what comes around I suppose :D
(JecciusSteam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 11:38,
Reply)

TOILET PAPER
I'm in a run-down office in Moscow (although that isn't important to the story) a few years ago. I was in a meeting and DESPERATE for a poo. A coffee break assured me of an opportunity so I scarpered for the nearest bogs. Thankfully, the bogs looked clean so I immediately dropped my strides and let loose a broadside that sort of came out in a spray. A real mess. I suppose I was repaying Neptune for all the kisses he'd given me in the past. ANyway, a few minutes later, the cramps have passed, there is nothing left inside and it's time to tidy up. I look around. I look around again. There is ONE miserable toilet roll with about 3 sheets on it. This isn't nearly enough. Had to use the pages from a pocket diary that was in my jacket. You know, those pages with the shiny gold edging? Well, I can tell you that it's not the most ideal method of wiping your backside. Oh, the memories. I regret going to a toilet in a foreign country totally unprepared. TRAVEL TIPS FOR THE INEPT BUSINESSMAN: Take WIPES. They fit in a jacket pocket quite nicely and can get you out of many scrapes. Portable civilization.
(speculus, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 11:38,
Reply)