13.2.15

I SURRENDER TO MY BROKEN HEART

This is where my story ends.

L****, out of respect for the memory of me, please find the time to sit down, by yourself, and read our WhatsApp exchanges- starting from around August 3rd to the end.

At the beginning, we are both gentle, playful, and understanding. Then by August 8, the day after you first slept with B****, your tone changes and I immediately sense it. You're in love with B****. But I won’t know this for another half a year.

The lies flow immediately, endlessly, and without remorse. Note that I'm still kind and validating, as best I can, but I am clearly confused, deeply saddened, and falling quickly into misery. Also note that you are mostly concerned with arranging more trips- so you can see B****.

For six months I endured this. Absolute loneliness, wretched depression and the notion that suicide is the only relief from my pain and confusion. So many times I asked if there was someone else. So many times you got angry and denied it. From August 8th 2014 to February 8th 2015 this went on.

You have no idea what torture you put me through because you never cared. Your only concern was your love for B****, your fear of losing him. That fear will never go away.

I cry and cry and moan the obvious question: Why didn't you just tell me. Why didn't you just tell me as soon as it happened? I can handle the truth, I can live with the facts. I told you things will only improve if we are completely transparent with each other, that it will be the hardest thing to do, but worth it. But you chose to betray me, for 186 days. Endless days and nights of me not knowing and looking for answers or evidence in everything.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I made a card and painting for you this Valentine’s Day. I also got you some wind chimes in a beautiful 5 note Tibetan scale for your birthday (I did this before I found out about you and B****, if you’re wondering). You will find them in the backpack I will be wearing at my time of death. There are also letters for A**** and L****- only they are allowed to open them. You or A***** can read my letter to L** but only he can open it.

Confronting you was an awful mistake and there is absolutely no justification for it. You have no idea how much I regret that. It was a thoughtless knee-jerk reaction fueled by the shock of the affair and escalating rage based on the sexual details of the affair. I am so sorry. No matter what led up to it, it does not make it okay.

However I don’t appreciate the way you played up the victim role and dramatized it so that you could leverage yourself against me. It took attention away from your affair, your betrayal, your infidelity and the deep pain you inflicted upon me day after day. You used it as proof that you need freedom from the evil person that I am.

I hope my death exposes the truth. I was searching for answers and literally going insane trying to find the truth about you. When I finally found out, the shock was immense and all-consuming.

I am beyond any kind of help now. You have taken away the people I love more than anything else in the world. You can invent many reasons and justifications, but the truth is: you took my kids away from me. A**** and L****.

You shattered my life, stabbed me in the heart, took my kids, and made me the awful villain.

I know you are in love and I know you two are perfect for each other. I truly feel that way. He’s your age, Persian, handsome, business savvy, wealthy, pseudo-Buddhist, charming socialite, surfer, wine-r and dine-r, and good in the sack to boot. He's everything you ever wanted from a husband and who I could never be. I, however, am the same person you chose to marry and have children with, at one point of your life. A loner arty dude.

Like you, he is in love with himself first and foremost.

In your sorrow and guilt, he will comfort you and use your vulnerable state to gain points as the good guy, the rescuing knight beside you, offering solace, money, shelter. So compassionate is Prince Charming.

I spent a decade of my life with you and I know you better than anyone else. You will wallow in the sympathy and attention garnished generously by your friends and family and B****. You will play the victim role to the hilt, as always, for you need love as we all do.

Unfortunately, I am also human so I also need love.

But make no mistake- you are forever guilty. Guilty of cheating on me. Guilty of lying to me. Guilty of betraying me. Guilty of breaking up the family. Guilty of taking the kids away from their father. Guilty of destroying my life as well as theirs. Guilty of torturing me to the point that I saw no other way out but to hang myself.

They will hug you and tell you not to blame yourself for my actions. As if you had nothing to do with it.

I believe you will live with B****, have the big, fancy wedding you always dreamed of, have a child with him, and live happily ever after. He will be a father figure to the kids and I will be a distant memory rarely mentioned.

But my parents lost another son. My brother lost another brother. My friends lost another friend. Your children lost their father. And I lost a future that still held so much potential and so many dreams I wanted so badly to realize.

All because of your actions at the wedding. All because of your affair. All because of your selfish lack of concern for me and the kids. All because of this charming man in a fancy car (who will in time- mark my words- break your heart too. If he can have a discrete affair with a married woman now, he will have one later as well).

I hope B**** is worth the misery you have spewed into the universe.

So this is where my story ends.

I have truly had enough of this life. You have buried me into a hole too deep for me to get out of. The only future I have left is to never see my kids and to never have your love. What kind of future is that? I have nothing now. The three of you were all I ever had and all I ever wanted. And not one of you is in my life.

I cannot live without my precious children. I truly cannot live without the love and affection from you, my beloved wife. I would have done anything for you and the kids and you know this to be true in your heart.

Suicide is the only way out of this mess. This legal mess, this financial mess, this emotional mess. I welcome an exit, a chance to start anew.

I have letters for the kids and my family. But this letter- this is for you, L****. And for the world to see and understand.

You created all this tragedy. You destroyed my life, emotionally, financially, legally, and now physically. The damage is beyond repair. My life is totaled. There is only one way out of this burning car.

But I forgive you, L****. I forgive you for the torture, the affair, and the lack of concern for what I went through. I forgive you because I truly love you and always have.

I cannot forgive you for taking the kids away from me. I miss them with such intensity that I weep as soon as I imagine holding A****'s little hand or kissing L**'s soft cheek. I think about them constantly so I weep constantly. I am going to miss them and they are going to miss me. I am not going to miss the person you became. You became someone I never met.

All the legal maneuvering you are doing (going on the advice of B****, your attorney, and your father) you keep pushing me around like a pawn in a chess game. You've won. You've painted me into a corner I can’t escape.

I just can’t take it anymore.

When I finally found out the truth, an unbearable weight was lifted from me. All the confusion was gone, finally, and it all made complete sense: the weight loss, the lingerie, the gym addiction, the facials, the waxing, the Persian cookbook, the love poem you claimed was for me, the Neruda poems, the Buddhist book you claimed was from an ex boyfriend, the What Successful People Do Before Breakfast book, all those trips to LA, the secret meetings in NYC and staying overnight in Philly. Finally, all the pieces fit into place and all my suspicions and intuitive insights were legitimized.

One massive weight was lifted and instantly replaced with another. I can no longer eat, I’ve lost 10 lbs in 4 days. I cannot sleep. I can't even watch TV because romantic love is everywhere and all I can see is you and B**** together. I think only of the two of you together, deceiving me for six months, deceiving me right this very moment. All desire or motivation to do anything, even to breathe, is depleted.

You are in love. I understand love. Why didn’t you just tell me that? You should have told me the truth on Aug 8 2014 and onwards. If you had, I might still be here, co-parenting with you, you could still have B****, and our beautiful children could still have their father.

You wanted me out of your life and now I am out of your way. You got everything you wanted. You are free.

Somehow, my love for you still burns as strong as ever. When I think of you, just you alone, how you used to be, my heart swells with love. My love burns now, it will burn tomorrow, and every day thereafter. I loved you with all my heart and I still love you so very much, even as I type these words. I would do, and did, everything and anything for you. I never cheated on you the entire decade we were together. I truly hope you find loyalty like that again.

You, A**** and L**** were all I ever wanted. And for a moment, in a group hug, all my dreams came into fruition. I am so thankful for that moment. I will always have that. I will carry it with me where I am going.

Goodbye L****
My one and only valentine
Forever and ever

David

PS: I know you’ll deny and cite a million other reasons, but you know this to be the truth: Don’t relocate to LA just because you are afraid of losing B****. If B**** truly loves you, he will wait. If you need your family, they will come to you. Let the children live and thrive in H**********. They will grow up to be wise and loving here. Always put what’s best for the kids before anything else- your love relationship, your career, your friends, your family, everything. They are untouched and pure as the winter breeze, don’t make this harder on them than it already is. They need stability right now. Their Daddy is gone forever. To uproot them and take them to the other side of the country is foolish.

Sending love - you are right, you are a human and you need love. You have that, all around you. Your children still adore you. Your family still adore you. Your friends still adore you. Just allow yourself a little breathing space to be able to see it. Let them in. We love you.

David, this is sad news and I only hope you have a change of heart. My heart has been broken more times than you know. My wife left me and my mother passed from cancer very untimely in a matter of months this past year. Ive learned that these are moments in time, we are not the first, nor the last to experience the drudgery that life had to offer. But to bring even more heart break on your children and your parents is not the solution. Life won't quit you and you shouldn't quit life. yet you should embrace all that life has given you and whats around you. You should be proud of the gift of music and inspiration you've given to so many. You leaving this world would be a huge loss. It would only be you who would be relieved of the pain and every one around you would have to carry it with them. I hope you find peace in living life to it's fullest.

David, I hope you can come out of this dark hole you are into. There are things that burn inside of you with such intensity, and they are good things. Things that show in your art, for which I am eternally grateful; it has touched me a number of times without ever saying a word. And, most importantly, things you have to offer to your parents, brother, friends, and kids. Never forget about this. You need to live, for letting these things fade out is a crime against your spirit and its projection on your mortal flesh. It is hard, and it is a burden. I understand depression. But you will pull through. And as you do, and embrace the light of the good moments, even if they are rarely there... they will be eternal.

Embrace your burning heart.My best thoughts are with you, despite the fact we have never seen each other.

David: I know that in this moment everything just seems to be dark and painfull but please believe me that even the greatest pain WILL PASS and become a sad memory in time and you will find peace, you just have to be patient and calm. LIFE IS A MIRACLE and every living thing around you sharing this time frame is a part of it, we just have to be grateful for every day and try to watch for the signs along the way.

Taking your life will cause more pain to the childrens and they don't deserve to pay such a high price for her mistakes, they deserve your love and they need you...and the world needs you too.

In every person you have touch with your music there's a grateful friend who is wishing you well, you may never know us but we are here, you have been part of our lives and we are all sending you our love and good vibes from all over the world. Thanks for being yourself david, hope to meet you someday.

Omar

PD: last night around the time you posted i was showing your music to a close friend who is in a very similar situation as you, i don't know if it means anything but i guess life is crazy, huh? Cheers

David: I know that in this moment everything just seems to be dark and painfull but please believe me that even the greatest pain WILL PASS and become a sad memory in time and you will find peace, you just have to be patient and calm. LIFE IS A MIRACLE and every living thing around you sharing this time frame is a part of it, we just have to be grateful for every day and try to watch for the signs along the way.

Taking your life will cause more pain to the childrens and they don't deserve to pay such a high price for her mistakes, they deserve your love and they need you...and the world needs you too.

In every person you have touch with your music there's a grateful friend who is wishing you well, you may never know us but we are here, you have been part of our lives and we are all sending you our love and good vibes from all over the world. Thanks for being yourself david, hope to meet you someday.

Omar

PD: last night around the time you posted i was showing your music to a close friend who is in a very similar situation as you, i don't know if it means anything but i guess life is crazy, huh? Cheers

I don't know what to say but feel absolutely compelled to say something. I'm so sorry this has happened and can only hope that you are able to find some peace in which to live in and see your children grow up.You had an impact on me 17 years ago. I'll never forget it.Eleanor

My heart aches for you. Please know that everything you are feeling and experiencing is normal and all too common.

I say this gently, but firmly...nothing your wife has done is original for a cheater. Nothing. Almost action for action, according to your description, has been a play from the Cheater Handbook. There is blameshifting, history re-writing, rug sweeping, minimizing, lying, taking affairs underground, etc.

Cheaters in the early stages of their affairs are in the thick FOG of it- it's like a narcotic. You can't try to rationalize with them. They're in the thick of it and are going to be extremely selfish. Everything in that world for a time is nothing but rainbows and unicorns. The person you loved seems to have disappeared and they have, because they are only thinking of themselves. When cheaters are stuck in the normal daily grind with their affair partner, only then can they clearly see the way of things.

Cheating is not about anything the other spouse did or didn't do in the marriage. Good spouses get cheated on. Bad spouses get cheated on. Truthfully, it's something that is broken inside the cheater. Please do not do the "pick me, pick me" dance. It doesn't work.

There is a website that is so helpful. You will read in the forums the stories of others who are going through the exact same thing. Men, who like you, have experienced betrayal. It's an awesome, easygoing place. There are tips to get through it, no matter the outcome.

If you don't want to post this comment, I'll understand. Please do consider visiting the website and make it your sanctuary.

Pajo, I know its a very tough time but you can get through with it... there is nothing abnormal about being depressed and suicidal with the shit going on man... it would be abnormal not to be depressed and suicidal! but with help you can and will feel better and the important thing is your kids will have you and you will have them no matter where in the country they are you will grow together.. i'm so happy you are alive.. you will see that with time it will be ok.. just take it one step at a time...thinking of you man...you'd be surprised how resilient and strong we are....the shit we can deal with...you are stronger than you think and you can handle this...your life is worth living man...

I'm so sorry man things are so shitty right now. There's been so many times i contemplated suicide myself. But please man, this is your life. You've done great things and you will do some more. Don't kill yourself over someone who doesn't deserve you. Love.

David, I grew up listening to your music,you're a huge influence to me and my friends,our bands.I'm in a similar situation at the moment.I also had thoughts of suicide,but you have children Dave.Let them grow up knowing their father and what a great artist he is.I never had the chance to meet my dad.Don't let your children miss that opportunity.As our beloved Jason Noble once wrote "it's not too late" David it's not too late for you.You are one of the greatest musicians of your generation.That alone should made your Ego invincible.And you can still write tones of wonderful music for all of us.Huge appreciation for the beauty your tunes made us understand.No motherfucker business guy posing as lover could give us that.Fight for your children and for the sake of music that seems to going nowhere along with relationships.Never give up.

Your music has meant a lot to me over the years. I would never claim to know you, but through your music I felt a kinship. And it is people like yourself who make art that I can connect with that make me think the world is an ok place. Please keep making the world a more ok place.

With heaviness I read your suicide note. It sounds like you've been in hell and at the end of your despair. I can only hope that you will be able to look back in the near future and be thankful that you made it through, that you have more life to live and gifts to give the world.

Your kids should have you on this earth still, they are gonna need you here. She is gonna need you here even though it's not in the same way anymore. Because you are parents.

This is all heavy and speaks to me because I'm in the middle of it as well. Years of marriage and a kid. But instead of it being her, as it is in your case, it's me. I've been wanting out for years, and now I'm the one having an affair. It's all out in the open. And I'm not proud of it, it just is.

Bro - please don't. My dad committed suicide when I was 4 and i see no value in stripping two more children of their father, particularly one as completely amazing as you. Because, that's what it's really about - your children. Not someone who enabled you to have them, but just THEM. They need you.

Dear David,A few years back I lost someone that I loved very much in a very painful way. It is very hard to imagine yourself whole again after such loss and feelings of betrayal. I thought there where parts of me that would never heal, and the terror of living in a world so wrong. Your music was such a friend to me in that time.

My pain was deep, and as it subsided my fear was it would turn to feelings of nothingness.Please give time to let your heart heal, In time you will have one that it larger and smarter. Sincerely

Hi Dave, just wanted to let you know what a influence your music has had on me.. It's helping me get by even now as I type this out. I'm ever so glad you're still here with us. If there is no hope for such a gifted man such as yourself, whose beautiful talent has touched so many; what hope is there for me or anyone else you have touched and influenced though your art? Please get well soon and continue to be a pillar of light for all of us trying to find our way out of the dark. We all share this existence, let us all get through this together.

david your music brings to mind how the beauty in the things of this life transcends the effect they have on me.

this is what more than anything else makes me cherish the people around me, the ones gone or far away, my failures, the good and the worst memories, the time passed and to pass, and in the end, myself.

i wish you to start seeing things this way again and to come to peace.

Your art will never betray you. Never abandon you, lie to you, or break your heart.

Make an album that tells your side of the story, say exactly how you feel, get it all out. Promise you won't leave this world until the album is finished, and you have closure, and you've said everything you need to say. By the time it's done you might not want to leave anymore.

There are so many people who are going through what you're going through. They want to hear this story in songs, they want to know someone else feels the way they do. You can make those songs.

Even if you can't see your kids you can still have a relationship with them (letters, phone, net,etc). When they turn 18 they are free to do whatever and things could change long before that. You can win the right to see them. I know how hopeless things can feel, but the fact that you got a second chance at life means you are supposed to be here. There are two ways to end your life, the best way to end your life is to start a new one. You could do anything. You could be a monk if you wanted, but there's so many more options and things you could do before you make a final decision like that. Why not spend sometime away or with some friends, you could travel the land like Kaine, endless adventures. Nothing last forever, not love or your pain. You just need to ride the wave as it goes up and down. Let yourself be free. Continue to be love and you will have love. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't value you the way you do them? That means they don't know you. They are not right for you, you must let them be free, so that you can be free. You will be happy again. The easy way out isn't suicide, it's not giving a fuck. Free yourself. Focus your love on things that need it. Right now that's you. You still have a million tickets left to a million different rides. Don't throw them away. If you need a place to get your head straight I have a 1,000 couches. I'm sure you know some friends who would welcome you as well. mreben11@gmail.com

The best revenge is success. Don't let them win!! Make a badass album and move on. You will eventually die anyway, you don't need to do that now. Might as well ride it out and see what you would have missed.

It is good and even necessary for the soul, and for art, to occasionally sit in the dark with one's thoughts. But to keep darkness from eclipsing perspective, this is best done in the land of the living, within the arms' reach of friends and others.

I thank you for being willing to take the time to forge small connections with strangers (like me) over the years, via blog posts, in passing at a show. Never expected, but always deeply felt and appreciated.

Please stay with us. To quote Dr. Hannibal Lecter, "The world is more interesting with you in it."

David, You are handsome and seems to be intense in your feelings.Go to Brazil or another latin country and you will find many loyal women who would love to be your girl.I am married but I know many brazilian women who wants a good man. In few months or years you will forget all the sufferings and wil be happy you are still here in Earth and able to find another woman who will love the David you are. Regards. Be well.

Dont rush to give up again man.Theres always a mature solution for this and any issue.You need to keep control over extreme emotions.Theres always tomorrow, and people in time learn of their mistakes.Dont ever look death in the eyes again, because she looks back every time.Don't look the fuck back.Your kids needs you and will understand, Slint fans need you.Relax, you deserve it after this tsunami of feelings.

Hey David, I just started reading your blog. Unfortunatly only found out about it due to the sad news.. It seems like we only notice things when bad things happen.. I was sucked in by your writing skills and the way your thought process works. Very recognisable. I've thought about ending things too, the love of my life just broke up with me. But I can't help but wonder what more is out there... (Believe me, it took me a few months to see anything besides darkness) Life is messy, but it's worth living for. With mess comes wisdom. Hope you find what you are looking for. You have a lot to give and I believe you will. x Layna

I remember being on tour and skyping with my ex and son. Even across the bad video and audio I could tell something was wrong. She mentioned getting drinks with a friend from an old job who would flirt with her. I had a very bad feeling in my gut. Getting home weeks later I felt I was in a strangers apartment. Things had been tough for us, but the detachment seemed pretty complete. This was about 7 years ago. She now has a perfect home in a perfect neighborhood with a perfect husband. I live in the same town, not my home, so I can split time with my son. She offends, degrades, judges me and if I respond even remotely in kind, threatens to prevent access to my son. My son by accident calls his step father dad. There are nights they work on homework together. 7 years of coparenting though, I have not judged, sought reprisal, or ever blamed my son's mom for my situation. It has paid off. I cannot change this person. I found out the hard way the only thing I ultimately had was trust. Without this, nothing else mattered. But I also have learned that complete trust is impossible. In fact, complete trust is faith. Trust comes from evidence and track record. If you abandon evidence and trust implicitly, you are now in belief, which is the worst irrational hell that any intelligent and thoughtful person can enter. I have been betrayed by my heart and weak philosophies so many times. I am not cold but I have survived. I will never trust or love anyone entirely again. This might sound horrible but it is what has survived the test of my life. No human or animal vessel may contain unbridled unending love and devotion that may detach it from evidence and trust, dooming me to slavery insanity and death. The woman she was, that I loved, was a construct in my mind that I held onto because of the feelings it created of affection security and understanding. Gradually this construct of her as new information came in, experienced dissonance. Eventually the old construct, the one who loved me that I loved, who I spoke to by myself, who I imagined and dwelled on; became an entire fiction. How could I reconcile the evidence with the internal simulation? Who is she? The one in my heart and mind or the one marrying a shiny lawyer? What is more important then? My romance and artistic tendency to dream and embellish my surroundings and circumstances with hyperbole and irony? Or baseball practice. Or piano lessons. Or having enough money for school, vacations and orthodontia. Or maybe having enough integrity and certitude to shut my mouth, be on time and present to my son the best role model I can without blaming anyone else. I have made my choice. I don't love like I used to. I don't write music like I used to. My affinity for poetic devices is rust in my mouth. I also know that my son needs good modeling from me which means more than surviving but actually kicking some ass. I can hold my tongue and show him an honorable person. Your kids will see your quality. They will inherit your individualism and the strength you show them will in turn help them survive struggles we cannot imagine. Are they ok? Are they fed and clothed? Are they getting their homework done? Do they hear see and feel your love or is it just verse on a napkin? Code of the road they say. Those musicians always fuck around they say. Some of us don't though. I was there Pajo. I saw you turn women down so you could get to your hotel room and contact your wife and kids. I never heard you talk shit about anyone, their music or their style. What I saw is a humble person who showed up knowing all his parts and who played bass better than anyone else the group ever had. You are a class act and an inspiration of how to quietly lead.

I briefly spoke with you after the show you played with Slint in Dublin in August of last year - it was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me to meet you. I just want to thank you for all the music you have produced - your self-expression through music has provided me with some of the most profound experiences in my life.

Although I don't know you, you've been in my thoughts a lot over the past days. I hope you find it in yourself to overcome the difficulties that have arisen in your life.

I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt, and I know how intense those feelings can grip a person. I am glad I am here today and glad you are too. Sending love to you unconditionally. Thank you for all the wonderful music throughout the years. Your music made life better for me, it really did and still does. Peace David <3

Dave, your music has saved me on countless occasions... Saved me from loneliness and isolation.... Ive learned Everything in life is a risk..sometimes our expectations don't pan out the way we want...or the way we think things.(humans...jobs...governments...etc) should be. Just know you have to be strong for your kids. The lady of your life changed... She obviously worships money now...but you got so much more to offer your kids than money...you got soul and sensitivity.... Don't ever give up...I've been a single dad for 6 years...the only thing I have is my daughter... and in a system like the one we live in its hard...I cherish every minute of every chance I get to spend with her...one day our kids will grow up...they'll figure out the truth...they'll love you more for all that you endured.... Please ...don't ever give up....TG

Hey David!!! We're here with you. Keep faith and take courage, everything's gonna be alright. You have too much love to give to the world, keep giving it, for us!!! So glad you're alive. Take our hands, we're here with you now... =)

Dear David,Life is a precious gift. From your note it seems you're going through harsh times. But despite the fact that, according to you, your wife has ruined your life, you have to think of your children. You, and only you are their father and you'll always be. Think about that. I'm sure they prefer to have you around than dead. Your children come first. Once you have children you can't think about suicide anymore. I've been through a similar situation and that's what prevented me from comitting suicide. Now, after some years, I realised that things change and I am happy to be alife and be around my kids. Take care and thanks for your music!

dave, you dont know me. and i dont know you, at least on a personal level. but your contributions to the world, that you so freely gave us over the last few decades now, they've shaped all of us who have allowed it into our lives. we have you to thank for those moments that have shaped our lives. im glad that you're ok, and if you ever so choose to reach out to any of us, you'll truly see the love that this world has for you. it may not be quite the same as what you felt in the past from your family. but we all wish you enough. thats all that any of us can hope to be able to get in life. i consider you rock royalty, and if you ever need to reach out, im absolutely here for you. ive got all the love in the world for you and im pulling for you to get through this.

As much as your love your kids, love your life. I grew up without my mother, and there's nothing I wouldn't do to talk to her, to touch her, to see her one more time. Fight for them, fighting for them is you fighting for you.

Dave-I've been a fan of your works for years, even hung out back in Evansville back in the day. So glad you're still around to make great music. Take it easy and grow stronger from all this. I won't give you any sermons, but just keep in mind there are folks like me who buy just about anything your name's attached to! More Pajo! More Papa M! More Evila! Please!All the best from a fan of 25 years and counting..Todd Goatsden