Friday, January 01, 2010

I don't believe in resolutions. They are planned disappointments and future resentments. I do believe in inventories. Listing all the good things (gratitude) and all the bad things (defects of character). I simply list them, acknowledge them, accept them, learn from them and move on. Here are some of the highlights that I am legally allowed to share. In no particular order:

THE GOOD

Sobriety On 3/23 it was 16 years since my last drink or drug. Everything good in my life is a result of this. Everything.

FaithKnowing at the core of being that there is God and I am not it.

FamilyBefore Katey and my kids, love was a need, now it's an action.

Work I am blessed to get paid a lot of money for something I'd do for free.

Health I probably am in the best shape I've ever been. Stronger now than when I was in my 20's. And I have all my hair.

Talent I'm very lucky that I've found the right outlet for all the scary things in my head.

FriendshipI don't really like people, so letting folks get truly close is a struggle for me. But the ones who do, I value dearly.

OC ismMy obsessive compulsivity bleeds into all areas of my life. Perfectionism, need for control, my indulgent relationship with food, sex -- anything at all pleasurable. My default is always more, more, more, now, now, now. It's a daily struggle, from which, if I'm spiritually centered, I get a modicum of relief. My mind is a very exciting, hard to follow, ping-pong match.

AngerAll my mistakes are born of one cause - fear. Fear of losing what I have, fear of not getting what I want. At my core, I am a dissatisfied man. I was born hungry and pissed. It's taken a lot of work to get happy. Anger is my first reply to any challenge. It is my greatest defense and my greatest weakness. It manifests into sarcasm, moodiness, impatience, etc. The upside is that the anger rarely becomes rage these days. I can usually check myself before reacting, so the person who suffers the most is usually me.

Over-sensitivityAgain, and offshoot of fear, but it deserves it's own category. Some of it is being an artist. We create not only for ourselves, but to express something to others. To communicate a vision. I wish I had the capacity to hang my work for public consumption and not care about the opinions that follow. But alas, I am not cut from that thick cloth. I take every criticism personally, from the most inane blog, to the New York Times, to Twitter remarks. I have no skin. As I am lying in a puddle of my own creative blood I am usually taken to the next defect --

THE UGLY Self LoathingI am blessed. I have an amazing life, an amazing family an amazing career. And still there are times when I want to tie a fucking chain around my neck and dive off my roof.

On that note, I wish you all a happy and sane 2010. I thank you from the bottom of my big dark heart for all the love and support.