SBC Endorsements

It’s time for blog endorsements related to the upcoming convention in Indianapolis. We here at SBC TooDazed want to be sure and get our endorsements in so that you, the reader, might be informed, equipped and thoroughly influenced prior to the meetings next week. With that in mind, here are our endorsements for next week’s convention proceedings.

For President we endorse the write-in candidacy of Alan Hale, Junior. Several things about Bro. Hale commend him to us. First, he was captain of a small vessel and the SBC is predominantly comprised of small churches. He also had experience navigating turbulent waters, much like the turbulence the SBC appears to be facing these days. Thirdly, he is dead which means that he has experience regarding that perilous death to which the SBC seems headed. Perhaps he can show us what to do when we get there.

For First Vice-President we endorse Benjamin S. Cole. Two things about Mr. Cole commend themselves to us. On the one hand, Wiley Drake has tested and proven the theory that, try as you may, no matter who sits in the position of First Vice-President, and no matter how hard that person might work to blow things up, there is virtually nothing that can be done from that position to harm the convention. On the other hand, Ben Cole as First Vice-President would quickly take our minds off of Wiley Drake as First Vice-President.

For Second Vice-President we endorse Peter Lamekin. Again, several relevant points lead us to this recommendation. Firstly, southerners with mullets don’t occupy places of prominence as they once did. Shoot, even Billy Ray Cyrus gave up his mullet (apparently along with his singing career). It’s time we bring the mullet back to semi-respectability and no one can do that for the SBC like Mr. Lamekin. Secondly, everyone says that any old carbon-based biped that walks upright could fill the position of SBC Second Vice-President and we intend to prove the truth of that. Thirdly, we would love to get the exclusive video footage of the working lunch with these three officers meeting together.

We further recommend the following:

Given the aging nature of convention attendees we recommend the Winslow Facial Plastic Surgery Center. Get that long-overdue face and neck lift or remove that unwanted facial hair so that the pastor’s wife will be sure to look her best the following Sunday. Who knows, you may get your deacons and their wives to attend convention with you next year!

Also, if you were not a proponent of the 2006 resolution on alcohol be sure and check out Nicky Blaine’s downtown martini bar. It’s styled after the Roaring 20s, so the average-aged conventioneer will feel like they’ve been taken back to their childhood.

And for those who are members of the Association of Corpulent Baptists (thank you, Mr. Miller), we recommend the Chicken Maque Choux at the award-winning Yats. It comes highly recommended and looks sure to do its part in your ongoing personal expansion project.