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Do You Bribe Your Kids?

After
spending almost 12 years as a mom, I have come to the conclusion that
nearly all parenting struggles boil down to one core problem: Kids have minds of their own.Who knew?!
Thinking thoughts for themselves, exercising free will all over the
place. Wanting things we don't want for them, doing the opposite of what
we need them to do. The nerve of these ungrateful creatures!

Just kidding -- mostly. Obviously we gave birth to babies, not
robots. We didn't have kids just to order them around. But the fact of
the matter is, sometimes we really do need them to listen/behave/do as they're told,
etc. Particularly in scenarios involving oncoming traffic ("I told you
not to play near the street!"), possible infectious disease transfer
("Wash your hands!"), dental hygiene ("Brush! Now!"), education ("Time
for homework!"), and so on and so forth.

But because they lack
our perspective on such matters, kids often see no reason to comply, and
because parents are desperate, we often resort to bribery.
But guess what? Even if you think those dangling carrots are getting
the job done, they're not. Study after study has shown that bribes simply don't work in the long-term -- take the reward away, and the desired behavior will go with it! Whaddya mean, no stickers?! What's in it for me?

So what are we supposed to do instead? Get down on our knees and beg
them to clean their rooms? Stoop to using threats and punishment? Only
if you want your kid to become either a spineless doormat or a rebel without a cause:

â€śHuman beings have only two reactions to control,â€ť said Daniel Pink, best-selling author of Drive, a review of over 40 years in research on what motivates human behavior. â€śThey comply or they defy.
I donâ€™t think most parents want compliant children, and I donâ€™t think
they want defiant children. They want children who are active, engaged
and motivated by deeper things.â€ť

And who brush their teeth willingly, I might add. (At this rate I
feel like I'll be calling my kids at college every night nagging them to
brush and floss.) I don't know if such human beings can actually be
raised up from the natural born dictators most children seem to be, but
here are a few expert tips on how to get good behavior without bribing, begging, or bullying:

1. Avoid using words like "should," "must," or "have to" -- these make kids feel like they're being pushed around.

2. Offer praise instead of rewards.

3. If you do give rewards, make them spontaneous and after the fact -- don't promise them ahead of time, wait until you "catch your kid being good."

4. Try to make things fun. Put dance music on when
it's time for your kid to clean his room. Make a funny "thinking cap" to
wear while doing homework. Whatever it takes.

To an extent. My kids just started with a reward chart. A sticker is placed on it to see that they did accomplish that set task. After they get so many stickers then they get a prize from the prize bucket. They also get tons of praise.

I have never bribed my kids, but I believe strongly in positive reinforcement.
Everynow and then, if I catch them independently doing a behavior I want to reinforce I will give them something. Always praise and attention pointing out exactly what I liked about the behavior, but sometimes there was something more tangible too. When they were really little I did it a little more frequently, but in general it is very random and sporadic. They never knew/know when or what I am going to "catch them being good"ast something so they were very motivated to behave better much of the time. Because it isn't done upfront, or even very often, they start to learn that those things also have intrinsic value that had nothing to do with the rewards, and they become so practiced at them that they are just part of who they are even years later.

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