Thursday, April 23, 2009

Calling all Lisa Frank fans! Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, it's all the same: rainbows and rad, glittery, flittery butterflies and unicorns galore. What is it exactly about a unicorn that gets the little girls all up in a tizzy? And please don't get all Freudian sexual subtext on me, what with the horse and the horn, because really--sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a unicorn is just a total dickhead. And then other times a unicorn is a 69 year old woman with a horn that looks very much like a piece of poop growing out of her head. Shockingly, this looks less magical than anything in my puffy sticker album from 1982. Apparently, this woman has had the horn growing from her head for the last 20 years, which begs the question: WTF? I mean, first of all--that wound from which the horn is growing looks like it hurts, like a nasty, painful anus in the middle of her head. That right there would send me to the doctor, like one of those under the skin zits that harbors its very own heartbeat. Get that head-anus a quick shot of cortisone, right? But then if a horn started growing out of said anus on my head? And that horn looked like a curling, hard turd, not magical at all? I mean, Jesus lady. The least you could do is smile with your eyes a little bit.

Next time Zoey hurts herself and demands a unicorn sticker I am totally drawing this mythical unicoranus lady on her owie. You know, to stop the crying. In related news: SexyTime Mythical Unicoranus--I know what I'm dressing up as next Halloween.

I feel like it's time to vomit. Was there no way they could have filed that shit back a bit? Maybe given her a nice big Blossom hat with a big sunflower in the front to cover up the forehead anus? I'm grossed out, dude.

Oh sick. I saw this online a few days ago, posted by another blogger and I just KNEW you'd grab it and run.And run you did. The description with the picture-yeah, it's a good thing I ate awhile ago.XORo

Wow. Um. Well, for the first time in quite a long time, I am...without words. Do they not have doctors in the magical land of creepy-ass turd shaped unicorn horns? Maybe you can introduce her to Chad and they could make little curly mulletted unicorns sporting red bow ties.

eh. ugh. owe. ick. puh. my coffee literally just came back up my throat. i am deeply disturbed and can't understand why they didn't remove that before it got so big. hoping there is a good reason. i think i'm going to be haunted by this image. poor woman. ugh.

Hi, I'm Susannah and I love shiny things, swimming, the smell of fresh cut grass, orange blossoms and horse shit. The feel of my children's eyelashes on my cheek is a live virus that grows in me, multiplies and sustains. I will never understand Amish Friendship Bread.

I write for love but money works, too. Email me for more info, or just to say hello.
susannah.ink@gmail.com