Why I still reach out to you…long for you… love you when it is impossible for us to be together.

Perhaps it is because you changed my life. Forever. In so many ways it isn’t even explainable.

Perhaps it is because you are my security. You are my friend. You are my rock.

Perhaps it is because you are the only man I have ever trusted completely.

Maybe it is the history we share, and the familiarity. Maybe it is the fact that I hear in you occasionally a longing to see me too.

But more than that….

I don’t let go… I can’t let go…

Because…

In letting go,

I feel as though I am saying our time together meant nothing.

That what we had is dead.

And I can’t cope with that. It makes us like every other couple that experience the same thing. It makes us a mistake. A bad decision. It makes us something horrible, when what we had was in fact something so incredibly good.

So I hold on, because in holding on, I keep ‘us’. The ‘us’ that can never be. The ‘us’ that is forever changed. The ‘us’ that was two amazing people, in love.

How do you let go when he beckons with every beat of your heart?

How do you let go when you are letting go of everything that holds you together?

I wish I knew the answer…. until I do – I will continue to hold you in the depths of my soul.

Tomorrow marks 8 years since my mother died. I miss her, I do…. But even that reminds me of you.

We were meant to meet up that night. We were supposed to make out. We were supposed to talk.

Oh we did.. It just ended up being put off by a week. And it was beautiful. You were beautiful. I was so nervous. And you held me and placed your lips on mine as you laid me on that bed and brought years of longing into that first kiss.

It was three hours before you had to leave. And now, even now… My hurt over my mommas death is dulled because of the wonderful memories the week later.

You whispered words that touched my soul. I drank in the sight of the only man I have ever been able to trust with my heart. Those moments were more precious than I can ever put into words, more special than my tongue can tell and more beautiful than I could ever behold.

I love you B. Still now. Every day. I first fell in love with your voice and then I fell in love with your soul. No one can replace you. No one can bring me such joy or such heartache.

I move on without you. Yet every moment, every memory, brings me back to you.