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The v. secret diary of Haldir: 1. Chapter 1

Day 1:
Fiftieth begetting day today, in other news new baby brother popped out. Am most irate and resentful that am not the only spoilt, arrogant brat in family anymore. Family are v. noticeably relieved.

Day 2:
Inadvertently saw Lord Celeborn in nude today, still cannot believe that groin reacted in such a shocking and exhilarating way. Was naïve enough to be shocked that small spear and two small silmarils could actually do that. Still, not as good as Mithrandir’s pointy hat trick.

Day 3:
Was sent to Lord Celeborn with celebration gift today… celebration gift?! Oh great Illuvatar, help me! Perhaps this is a sinister plot by older, uber boring adults to stop me spreading gossip about Celeborn doing unspeakable things?

Day 4:
Beginning to suspect position as royal page elfling might include other duties…
Celeborn ordered me to give him a foot massage…with my mouth…
Celeborn such a kinky, sadistic pervert, I’ve heard of those before, Celeborn also a poncy, arrogant little &*()!@&)!(&!

Day 5:
Celeborn ordered me to recite poetry…in the nude, poncy git. Situation was made even worse when Galadriel and gossipy handmaids appeared…which made me wonder about her knack for appearing at the most inconvenient of times. “Why Haldir you adorable little thing…”she is v. scary when she smiles like that. She then told me to get lost, which I did. Unfortunately I had to run home in the nude. Celeborn such a flaming ponce.

Day 1, 986:
Have decided to disown family…why? Well they weren’t v. supportive when I told them about my new lover. They told me Celeborn would hit the roof, told them I didn’t care, they threatened to send me trussed up like a turkey to Celeborn, ignored this lame threat and flounced off.

Day 1, 987:
Anyway, family didn’t like male elf lover, I picked up on this and decided I liked male elf lover even more, precisely because. Became a matter of principle, Illuvatar help us all. Fingers were wagged, tears shed, swear words spoken and fifty years of happy family life went down the drain like a Balrog down waterhole. Bloody ridiculous.

Day 1, 999:
Scandal has erupted in Lorien like a bad-tempered volcano and Celeborn has demanded penance to salve his bruised ego, well @&)!(&! like I care, dumb psycho contemporaries. Everybody is to blame for this farce, my father and Celeborn are obvious villains of the piece, Galadriel-I heard she was a first class blackmailer from the days when she somehow popped out from between her mother’s legs to now, not to mention she has a will of steel-however will of steel is limited because her husband always wins their little psychotic battles hands down. Faults on all sides, elves behaving badly…where did we go wrong?

Day 2, 500:
Everybody now heavily into passionate gestures. For me, it’s mostly slamming doors, funky new hairstyles and shooting wildly at trees-Celeborn miffed…tree hugging bastard. For family, mostly shouting, crying, screaming and melodramatic body language. For Celeborn, moodily sulking, stalking me and barking at wife and everyone else. Male elf lover on the other hand not directly engaged in face to face conflict. I think he needs more scope for grandeur and downright silliness…so I dumped him and sent him packing. Sexcapades with Celeborn now on, bloody marvellous.

Day 3000:
Ex-male elf lover has contrived to get himself back into my affections. How? Allow me to explain: it is well established that the course of true love does not run smoothly (take Beren and Luthien for example). Even in its most basic form it tends to snag threads and get wrapped around everybody. Add some poncy immortal elves and pretty golden forests into the mix and you get a succession of foul-ups that makes the first age look like nursery playschool. Ex-lover is a v. strong-willed individual, trivial details tend not to stand in his way if they know what’s good for them; and as he’s concerned one fiery elf-lord is a trivial detail. To him it’s not much worse than a broken fingernail.

Day 3, 045:
Tried to tell ex-lover am not interested, explained calmly that obvious solution in terms of his well being was to get over it, count to ten and fall for some other arrogant bastard. Needn’t have bothered and breath hereby saved would have cooled an infinite ocean of hot mead. Getting back with ex-lover out of the question, relationship can never be the same again. Then me, ex-lover and the whole of Lorien wasted a lot of time on convoluted and infinite discussions about the importance of a finely tuned relationship. Ex-lover supported sex pact principle; if virtually nonexistent relationship includes sex, is. I maintained that this was unacceptable; relationship must also have emotion in it to survive.

Day 3, 500:
Finally decided on simple solution; I will stay with Celeborn in first half of the year and then stay with newly reinstated notex-loveranymore male elf lover in the second half of the year. Galadriel is miffed at being left out of the arrangement but nobody is paying any attention because they are too thrilled at the prospect of fresh gossip. Immortals have all the time in the world, obviously.

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