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20.10.12

10 Most Important Marriage Rules You Should Follow

Every married person knows to be faithful, stay truthful and be there
for her partner through good times and bad–they’re in the wedding
vows, after all.

But most seasoned couples would admit that some unspoken rules are
vital for getting past rough patches and growing stronger as a couple. Here,
experts share 10 of the less apparent (but just as important) marriage rules to
live by

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1. Don’t criticize your partner’s parents or friends. You know how it
is-your family can tick you off but no one else had dared speak ill of them.
That’s why you should tread carefully with your in-laws and your husband’s dearest
friends. Even when he’s venting to you, your
contributions can put him on the defensive. When you take position A, you
prompt your partner to take position B. Instead, put yourself in his position
so that you can empathize with him.

2. Tell your spouse about any ex encounters. Whether you get a Facebook
friend request or run into an old flame, keeping the news to yourself could
backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. If there’s nothing to hide,
why hide it?. That leads to an air of secrecy and dishonesty. Just clue in your
hubby matter-of-factly: Try, “I knew it was only a matter
of time before old boyfriends came out of the woodwork on Facebook. I got a
friend request from one and ignored it.” Or, “I saw my ex in
the mall today. His kids are cute. Glad to see his life turned out nicely.”

3. Keep unsolicited advice to yourself. Offer your support, lend your
ear, but avoid speaking in an “I know what’s best” tone. We
give advice because we’re trying to be helpful, but it’s seen as criticism when
we offer too many corrections. This goes for everything from your husband’s
outfit choices to how he deals with a work issue. Give your spouse space to
make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error-and ask that he do the
same for you. What matters in a relationship is not that things get done ‘right,’ but that two
people are dedicated to contributing to each other’s happiness.

4. Don’t take charge all the time. Whether you fold all the laundry
because you don’t like how your husband does
it or you manage the finances because you don’t think he’s as careful, you
may feel more at ease doing all the work. But stop! The spouse who does the
rescuing can become tired of that role and resentful that everything is on her
shoulders, even if she volunteered for that burden. Get in the habit of asking
your partner, “What do you think works best
here?” or telling him, “I could use a hand cleaning
out the pantry.” These requests will foster
the idea that you’re teammates.

5. Don’t bring up past arguments. Or at least put a statute of
limitations on them. People repeat ancient disagreements because they haven’t resolved the
problem. Letting things fester often causes marriages to break down. It’s
important to address issues as they happen and come to some sort of resolution–agreeing to
disagree counts. Leave it there, and respect each other’s opinion.

6. Choose your battles, but don’t stifle your feelings. There’s going
to be toothpaste globs here and Post-it notes there; that’s human nature.
You have to be able to say, ‘this isn’t important.’” Or if it is,
speak up. Tell your partner why it bothers you and that you’d like to work on
a solution. You’d be surprised what you
could learn about each other. For instance, your husband may not leave dirty
dishes in the sink anymore if you explain that your childhood home was piled
high with plates and you were stuck washing them. It’s also important to
understand that he’s not plotting to upset you every time he’s sloppy or
forgetful. A simple request like: “Honey, it’d be great if you
could pick up the dry cleaning while you’re out” beats getting
mad that he didn’t offer to help with errands.

7. Don’t post private thoughts or photos publicly. You may not want to
be tagged in a politically charged rant he starts or he may not want you to
share photos of the kids. And you each deserve the other person’s respect for
those wishes. Discuss the ground rules regarding posting about you, as a couple
and about the other person,” says Dr. Castaldo. And no
matter what, don’t take your grievances with your husband to the masses for
support. It’s destructive to air conflicts on Facebook.

8. Log off. When your attention is focused elsewhere, your spouse is
bound to feel unimportant. So make quality time a top priority and restrict
tech gadget use if necessary. Pay attention to the concept of ratio: How much
time am I spending doing this compared to how much time I’m spending with
my family?. Create a rule that works for your household and stick to it, whether
it’s no devices at the dinner table, shutting down phones at 8 p.m. or going
gadget-free on weekend afternoons.

9. Don’t use the “D” word (divorce,
that is). Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags
or head to the lawyer’s office. Besides the “D” word being
downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other’s
bluff. We act as if the intensity of our anger gives us license to say or do
anything. But threatening divorce is never useful, and it only makes the
probability of separation more likely.

10. Be each other’s number one. In other words, be wary of outsider
influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or
work or hobbies competing for your attention. Happy couples have just as much
conflict as those who divorce, but they know ways to get through it. A couple
has to have a strong boundary around themselves and they can’t allow anybody to
get in between.

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