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Sad Clown Confetti

I signed alongside a few Xs today, and now the house with the strong bones is no longer mine. Still, when it’s brought to the ground, it will take some of me with it. Poof! All of it turned into a nothingness that’s just as heavy.

The part of my head that’s not always right feels sorry for the house. I grieve and cry, extending deep and heartfelt sympathies to an inanimate object ascribed with personal feelings. Normally this sort of neurosis is reserved strictly for the lone banana at the grocery store. The banana that’s been left behind by all his friends. And he had a bunch.

Ain’t that some shit.

I wanted so badly to want to stay here. When he first left, I clung to this place so tightly I left claw marks. Playacting confidence, skipping throughout dark and stormy days pretending to see blue skies and double rainbows, and self medicating with humans and the poisons they’ve created. All of which made sitting inside my bubble of choreographed resilience much more chill.

But, as they do, the band-aids grew dirty and slowly stopped sticking…edges first. Finally, I gathered up a year’s worth of stockpiled grief, said fuck it, and threw it high into the air like sad clown confetti. Now, as it ricochets down all around me, I can’t help but notice how long it’s taking to reach the ground, falling slowly and piece by piece.

Dreams.
Hope.
Creation.
Nightmares.
Despair.
Destruction.

These are taking the longest to fall, but for forgiveness, which keeps getting tangled like a let-go-of balloon being carried through the forest by unrelenting winds.

I’m picking up dreams and hope, dusting them off, and throwing them in a box with the rest of my things. We’re off to find creation.

It’s huge you putting everything (or most) out there for everyone to see. I don’t know you but the night we “meet” I read alot of your post and have gone through similar events and struggles. The way you put things into words and perspective is very comforting and nice to see I am not the only one.

I honestly thought I was the only person who felt bad for the lone banana. I thought of asking my doctor if it was ‘normal’ to feel so emphatically about EVERYTHING, but, was afraid he’d want to change it. All the best on your adventure XO