Give Yourself A Break

The best suggestion I received from NA was to give myself a break and DON’T USE! After many years as a clean addict in recovery I found myself at a point that I was backed into a corner with nothing left to do but use. I always thought that if I were to go back out it would be dirty needles and street drugs. This was not so. I somehow justified the use of legal substances such as alcohol and legal prescriptions from the doctor to fuel my addiction while working a professional career. To my dismay, I found out the hard way, once again, that it does not matter the substance used and that I am an addict. In a very short period I was bad off and finding myself in and out of the room of narcotics anonymous. After remembering that using was a symptom of my problem I realized that I relapsed way before the actual physical use of taking drugs into my body. At twelve years clean I was miserable and my life was so overwhelming and unmanageable. I attempted to control the things that in early recovery I would have turned over and left alone but I was too far-gone without a real solution and relapse happened. I came in and out of the rooms for the wrong reasons for three years, which I believe saved me from dying from this disease.

I had been immersed in a toxic relationship with children involved for the last few years. Finding myself not able let go of control or accepting the truth I was unable to change. Attempting to fix thing drove me to the edge of full mental health break down and total insanity. At the first of this year I knew that something bad was going to happen if I didn’t get recovery for myself for the right reasons but I was still stuck. My wife at the time attempted suicide, which was very severe in nature. I was very traumatized by this! I was flooded with so many emotions and fears that it was unbearable. I was sick too. Justification set in and I set-up an appointment with a psychiatrist to “deal” with this situation. Well that indeed DIDN’T happen in the sense I thought it would. What this did for me was to bring me down to my knees all the way where I was able to come in and surrender to the program on narcotics anonymous once again. I am in recovery today and I am most grateful for the opportunities to work on me. I have an awesome sponsorship family today along with a home group and many people I can call on. Today I am allowed to be me without having to use. Today I am free to choose and it started with giving myself a break.