Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2006 21:44:50 +0000
From: Violete Marut
Subject: BULIMIA 1
This story involves sexual contact and male/male relationships. If this is
something that you find offensive, you have no business being here and need
to leave now. If you are under the age of 18 or not of legal age in your
area, GET OUT. If this content is illegal in your area LEAVE.
This story is property of the author and is not to be copied or posted
elsewhere without written permission of the author. All characters and plot
lines are fictional. Any resemblance is strictly coincidental and should be
noted as such.
BULIMIA
My breathing was hard,very hard,almost painful.A thundering pain going
through my head.Lack of oxygen.I slowly closed my bloodshot eyes.Yet another
day greeted me in all its glory,as the sun rays hit my eyes in the most
vulgar way.
"Aiden!" I heard my mother's voice yell out "Aiden,we have a dentist
appointment..hurry your ass up"
Oh just bloody fucking great.I forgot all about my amazing dentist.Jordan
was her name,I think.She was one of the most repulsive woman I have ever
met.Her fakeness drove me insane,the woman was more faux than than Andy
Warhol.I hated,loathed,abhored and despised my dental appointments.Let's
just say I had very bad teeth.Thank God my dentist was stupid enough not to
know what caused all those cavities.I always felt the pain,no matter how
many shots I got,I always felt it.The drilling,the burning of my tooth,just
thinking about it made tears come into my eyes.
"Aiden!!!!" Oh,fuck you...I thought to myself.I got up and looked into the
mirror.What I saw disgusted me so much I wanted to die right there and
then.My mom stormed into my room while I was still looking at the pathetic
image of myself in the mirror.
"Aiden ,baby, I overslept..and my boss just called me,I have to go to work.I
don't want you taking the bus so I called Gary to pick you up and take you
to see Jordan.. breakfast is on the table".
With that she ran off leaving me still looking into the mirror.Fuck Gary,I
thought to myself.He's so annoying.He's only trying to be nice to me to get
into her pants..is she so blinded that she cannot see that?I slowly made my
way downstairs.I saw some fried eggs and bacon on the table.I snickered at
her stupidity.I went to the fridge and took almost everything
out.Bred,avocado,cake,Icecream...everything that was humanly possible.I took
it all out and started munching on this and that.I ate half of the ice
cream..then devoured 4 pieces of bread then drank some milk and then ate the
eggs and bacon.I stuffed myself with some of the cake and I continued eating
until I felt awfully fucking disgusted with myself.I didn't bother going to
the restroom,I puked into the kitchen sink.I threw up everything and more.I
laughed at the image of my poor mother just a few months ago trying to
figure out what caused all those bloody cavities.I laughed though I had
tears streaming down my face.Throwing up was never a pleasure,all though
after it I felt a little more cheery.But it always came back to the same
point: me looking into the mirror and feeling repulsed with what I saw.I
wasn't fat,actually I was far from it.That's what everyone told me at
least,but what I saw in the mirror told me otherwise.I saw the fat coming
out of my pants.I had like 5 fucking love handles,I was so disgusted with my
image.I really didn't understand why all those stupid girls wanted to go out
with me.Were they insane?Didn't they see what I saw when I looked at
myself?Just as I was doing some more self loathing I heard a knock on the
door.Fucking Gary,I thought to myself.I just went to my room and started
looking through my wardrobe.Hmmm,what shall I wear today?I really want Cal
to notice me today.Ah you're probably wondering who Cal is.Cal ,my dear
friends ,is the love of my life.Unfulfilled I might say,why would he ever
fall in love with an ugly fat kid, when he had even more stupid little
gooses than me, throwing themselves at him.*knock knock*Oh God is he still
trying.Go away Gary,I won't answer.
"Aiden..Aiden I know you're in there".Oh yes I'm sure you do..go fuck
yourself.Just then I tuned out.My thoughts went to Cal.Cal was the only
thing that kept me alive.His beautiful green eyes,his amazing pitch black
hair and tan face.His jock body,and his lips.Thinking about him always gave
me butterflies.Thinking about him made me very happy.I wanted to be pretty
for him.I wanted him to notice me so bad.But who was I kidding?Out of all
the people that would fucking die to even touch him why would he possibly
choose the fat ,apathetic to everything,ugly like hell kid?And so my daily
"wallowing in depression" cycle started.It was a ritual.I made myself
believe that I was fat and ugly,yeah that's how much self esteem I
had.Anyway..after choosing my outfit for the day off I was to school my
friends.My means of transportation was my best friend's mother.Tommy boy,my
best friend,lived almost next door,and everyday I would walk to his house
and then his mom would drop us off.I always liked his mother.She wasn't
modern or beautiful or interesting,like my mother.She was just a very simple
uniquring mother who held a simple household and who had a nice simple
husband.And that's what I liked her for.She was never fake,and she always
knew how to handle weird and tough situations,unlike my mother who would
freak out and start crying.She never asked unimportant,time wasting
questions.She always made her point clear and straightforward.I always told
Tommy boy that he had the best mother in the world,and he would just looked
at me amused and say "Dude,if I could trade her for yours I'd do it in a
heartbeat".Tommy boy was the only person who's always stuck by me.Through
all my sarcastic remarks.Through all my bitchiness and through all my mental
breakdowns.He was always there,maybe he didn't always have the best
advice,but I could always count on him.
As we slowly made our way into school my depression kicked in.Seeing all
those people,they all seemed to fit in,all but me.I was the only outsider.I
was so disgusted with myself.I cast my eyes downwards and made my way into
the class.No,I never used my locker,I don't think I've ever even opened it.I
just wanted to get out of school as soon as I got in.My first class was
Calculus.I loathed it,I usually slept through it.I kinda felt ashamed for
doing that because my father was a famous mathematician from what I've
heard.They said he had so many ambitions,so many dreams.He wanted to teach
mathematics at Princeton,but they rejected him[for some unknown to me
reason].After that he fell into heavy drinking.From what I remember of him
he always blabbed on about mathematics..about this formula and that game
theory and he talked about Nash too.He talked about relating to Nash a great
deal.I didn't care.I didn't want to hear it.Math was always more important
to him than I was.I was begging for attention, but I got none.Finally he
just became an obscene 36 year old alcoholic, and Grace,my mother,kicked him
out.I haven't seen him since then,haven't spoken to, or of, him.Grace never
mentions him.Anyway..back to my math class.It was such a bore I immediately
fell asleep.I woke up to the sound of the bell.I didn't even bother to write
down my homework,it's not like I was going to do it anyway..so why bother.I
was just going to make my way out of the room when Mr.Firolli called out my
name.
"Yes?" I answered.
"Come here boy,I want to talk to you for a second".I made my way over to his
desk.Just great,I thought,the old geezer finally noticed that I've been
sleeping through each and every one of his boring to death classes.
"Well young man..." Oh just get to the point you old fart"you look nothing
like your father" that certainly got my attention
"Excuse me sir?"
"Oh yes,I knew your father quite well"
"You did sir?" I asked dumbly
"Yes,I did.You're nothing like him.He had a bright mind..could solve any
problem in his head.You can't even solve a simple inequality." He said
bitterly throwing one of my failed tests in my face. "I had such great hopes
for you,young man." He said licking his old lips and looking out of the
window while I stood there with my jaw gaping and a bewildered facial
expression.This was certainly not how I usually saw Mr.Firolli."You bring
shame to your last name Aiden,shame.I remember how excited I was when I
finally found out that you were going to be in my class.You don't know how
hard I've worked to get you in here.With all your other failed classes that
you were supposed to make up.I had to literally beg the head of this school
to let you into my honors class.And then you show up,with your pathetic
attitude and zero math skills.You sleep through all of my classes and think
that I don't notice.You copy off Tommy on every test and think that I don't
notice.You steal my pencils and think that I don't notice"Okay I certainly
thought he didn't notice that one.Now I was bright red."So I went through
all that trouble for what?To have you failing my class?"He was apparently
awaiting an answer but I just couldn't really give him one.In the far off
distance I heard the sound of the bell signaling 2nd period."That poor
mother of yours"he went on"I knew she wouldn't be able to raise a boy by
herself,she's such a delicate soul.And what should I say to your father 'I'm
sorry Henry,but your son is such a talentless piece of nothing that I have
to fail him'".
"Wait sir..you still talk to my father?"
"Of course I still talk to your father.He talks of you quite alot young
man.He's doing way better now..joined AA ."
Well that certainly came as a surprise.My father talked about me.I didn't
think my father even remembered my name anymore."But anyway..get out of here
now.here I'll give you a pass"
"But sir.."
"Don't sir me..I'll see about your grade.And about your father,well you'll
find out soon enough.Now get out.I have a class waiting outside".
Nice start of the day,I thought.And what did he mean by saying that I'll
find out soon enough?Ah fuck it,his old blabbing couldn't be more
meaningless.
The rest of the day was pretty much uneventful.I went to puke out my guts
after lunch and then on to my last two periods.Cal wasn't at school,I heard
from Tommy boy that he was very sick.Aww my poor baby,how I'd like to be
there for him.But that will never be,no.He will never like some fat ugly
kid.No way.As I entered my house I found my mom in the kitchen with a
furious expression on her face.
"Aiden Julien Moffitt!" [ what kind of a fucking last name was that anyway?]
"Am I sentenced to life in Siberia?" I sarcastically asked while going up
the stairs.
"Oh don't you walk away from me you unreasonable person.Why didn't you go to
the dentist with Gary?"
"Well when you left I felt really sick so I decided to go back to sleep.When
I woke up it was already time for school.You should be happy that I even
decided to go to school,I felt really ill"
"You expect me to believe that!Gary told me he spent half of the morning
standing here knocking on the door and yelling out your name..and you expect
me to believe that you just didn't hear"
"Believe what you want"
"Not in this tone of voice young man.You're grounded."
"For what!?"I asked outraged
"For talking back.Aiden.."
"Whatever.Just get out.I don't wanna see you"
"No,baby don't talk to me like that.Aiden tell me what's going on".She was
on the verge of tears,oh how I hated her.
"LEAVE!"I yelled.She looked at me with those frightened watery eyes,shook
her head and slowly left.I opened my backpack.I took out all of my supplies:
chocolate muffins,chicken,cheesecake ,chips,coke etc.I remember the salesman
looking at me weird and then me explaining to him that I was going to have a
birthday party.I laughed at my own pathetic lie.I started unwrapping
everything and eating it all.Piece by piece,bite by bite.When there was
almost nothing left on my bed I looked into the mirror and what I saw made
me shiver with disgust.I saw an ugly fat kid who just added like fucking
another 100 pounds to his weight.I ran to the bathroom with the speed of
light and put 2 fingers inside my mouth,until everything came back
out.Everything and more.Then I changed my clothes without bothering to wash
myself.I was so repulsed with myself that I didn't even care how I smelled
or looked anymore.I made my way downstairs.My mom was in the kitchen
again.She was making dinner.
"Honey"she said and my stomach turned at the pathetic sound of her voice
"have some dinner.You look so thin,I think you've lost weight again."
Was she fucking insane..lost weight.I was the fattest fucking thing
around.Lost weight,I fucking wish.
"I'm not hungry"I murmured.
"Baby,I just wanted to tell you that you're not grounded anymore.I didn't
mean that.I'm just very worried about you honey."
"There's nothing to worry about mom,I'm fine"
"Aiden sweetheart.."
"MOM!I said there is nothing to worry about.Now just shut up already."
I took a jacket and left.I was so sick of her babysitting me.I was 16 for
fucks sake.I didn't understand why she had the constant urge to make me feel
like a little kid.While thinking that, I found myself sitting in the
park,watching people taking their dogs out for an evening walk.Some people
were short,some fat,some skinny,some tall.But I felt like I was the fattest
and ugliest one of them.I felt like the universe was ashamed of me.As I was
sitting on some bench full of bird shit everywhere I noticed a little kiosk
a few feet away to my right.The windows were closed and smeared with drops
of rain.It was drizzling by then.I saw my reflection in the window.I must
have been having a moment of closure because what I saw was not what I
usually see.I saw a skinny face,bones almost sticking out.I saw tired blue
eyes.Dyed black hair slightly falling on my face.Bangs.I saw eyebrows.I saw
lips.They weren't your usual lips.They were very curiously shaped.They
weren't big,but they weren't small either.I saw what some of those stupid
girls must have seen.I saw a pretty face.Well I didn't actually think it was
pretty back then,that's certainly not a word I had in vocabulary for
myself,but that's probably the closest word I could find for describing this
overwhelming feeling I got, from looking at myself in that rain stained
window.