Spoof news stories from Monday 10 February 2014

Washington - The US Vice President is stonewalling French media reports that he and Michelle Obama used to be lovers and are the birth parents of successful American singer Beyoncé Knowles.
Their five year-long affair is being largely ignored by P...

MADISON, WISCONSIN - Ginger Trumple, 32, has been looking for that special someone for several years now. She has tried the regular internet dating sites, and some unusual internet sites and those just didn't produce the results she was looking for.

A car dealership in Maryville, Tennessee is suing a rival car dealer for $500,000 in lost income and auto damage as well as causing the workers there to risk their lives by working and the clean-up details.
Hardin's GMC and Hyundai Auto Dealership...

The Met Office has announced a new naming convention for storms, after experts ran out of common names, and then words in the English dictionary last week.
A spokesman admitted, "We have cycled through three 'tropical storm Ruth's over the last 6...

Americans are wondering why the world has rushed to attend Putin's party in Sochi as Russia continues to push its own defiant agenda on the world stage without regard for due process or the civil liberties of foreign citizens.
Americans have expr...

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma- Local cars sales representative John Smith is outraged about the recent 20/20 new story about a junior high student sleeping with his 28-year-old teacher.
"I just don't understand this world that we live in," Smith stated...

Savannah, Georgia- This week the world witnessed the return of AMC's hit show 'The Walking Dead.' According to many sources, zombies were featured in this episode.
Bill, a maintenance manager at a local Marriott had this to say about the episode,...

Good news this morning in that the International Space Station has quit moving away from it's regular orbit around the earth.
"We still have no idea what caused it to suddenly move out of it's orbit away from the earth", stated NASA spokesman Alfr...

SOCHI, RUSSIA - Hungry foreigners attending the Olympic festivities have been suspiciously eyeing the food offerings at the concession stands. So far no one has had the courage to eat anything on the menu, although the Russians themselves are lining...

Russian Officials were today shocked to hear the all of the Men's and Woman's skating events are null and void.
Officials from the Total Olympic Standards Subcommittee European Region (TOSSER) have announced the the stadium was built the Wrong Way...

WASHINGTON DC - US President, Barack Obama announced Sunday that he's gay and proud of it.
Mr. Obama, suffering from low polling numbers, said he knows well that coming about his sexual orientation is a "big f**king deal." He is hoping to rebuild...

London, UK - London Mayor Boris Johnson's vision of an airport on the Thames were rapidly becoming less of a pipe dream today as the UK's premier transport hub came under threat of being washed away by a huge wall of water creeping from the sodden T...

Some have said that it is never advisable to look too closely at what goes into the making of sausage; that doing so can reduce one's appetite for the product. However, in the interest of public health and safety, a group of investigators has been l...

Sochi, Black Sea - The RS Maria Sharapova, the Russian Navy flagship in charge of drone patrols around the Sochi Winter Games, has been involved in a series of underwater attacks by a massive pregnant squid during yesterday's slopestyle finals.
Th...

David Cameron has announced that the floods in Britain are the responsibility of the Environment Agency. Further he has asserted that 'The blame lies with the person at the top. It is always the person in charge who should be the one to take responsi...

WARSAW, Poland - The distance from Warsaw, Poland to Sochi, Russia is 1,299 miles.
Two Polish women identified as Madga Krakzyn, 43, and Filomena Ripolski, 41, decided to walk the entire distance from their homes in Warsaw to the Sochi Olympics.

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana - A group of Archaeologists affiliated with Johnny Appleseed University in Indianapolis have come across an astounding archaeological find.
The group leader Dr. Larson Tuckteen has informed the news media that they have come...

SOCHI, Russia - Russian police have revealed that they have just arrested a man at The Sochi Airport who was claiming to be the former mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani.
The man was arrested after it was learned that he was trying to enter Russ...

CHICAGO - The Amalgamated Data Gathering Agency, recently conducted a national survey to determine the worst cat names in the United States.
ADGA Executive Director Bagby B. Buckleybox, who has four cats, stated that over 825,000 individuals participated in the nationwide poll.
Many of the participants submitted foreign cat names, but it was decided that these names would not be used since a...

In the week leading up to Valentine's Day, more than 35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate are purchased and over $1 billion worth of chocolate is sold in the U.S.
The editors applaud the chocolate companies, like Whitman's, who give the consumer a chart with each chocolate box that lists each filling, so you can choose the ones you like best.
But let the chocolate eater beware! Whil...

It has come to the attention of the Editors that certain first names do not age well with their owners. Before you choose a name for your girl baby, ask yourself these two key questions:
1. If the baby girl becomes a judge someday, does the name sound appropriate - as in "Judge________________(fill in blank with name).
2. Think of the baby as eventually being an elderly woman. Does the...

Toddlers, children who are between the ages of one and three, are inquisitive and "hands-on". The Editors have compiled a list of household items toddlers should never be left alone with, even for a minute:
1. marshmallow creme
2. scotch tape
3. Vaseline
4. flour
5. raw eggs
6. any kind of syrup
7. baby powder
8. cotton candy
9. spaghetti with tomato and meat s...

Birds everywhere are reacting angrily to the ineptitude of humans after a bid to drain the Somerset Levels by dropping Eric Pickles from a great height failed dramatically, causing what many initially believed to be an 'extinction event'.
Fortunat...

Question: That is quite a pair of tusks you have. What are they used for?
Answer: Ever heard of polar bears and killer whales?
Question: What do you like to do for fun?
Answer: Catch some rays on pack ice.
Question: How do you get around on the ice?
Answer: See these two 3 foot grappling hooks?
Question: How do you keep from getting cold in this freezing weather?
Answer...

Q. Do you enjoy teaching as your profession?
A. Jimmy! Take your hands off of Michael's neck right now! I don't care if he's your best friend!
Q. I understand there is a shortage of teachers at the moment in the U.S. Is this true?
A. O.K. everybody, I only have 20 homework assignments turned in and there are 24 of you in this class. Does anybody see a problem with this?
Q. Is the schoo...

Rosie O'Donnell returned to "The View" on Friday. It was her first appearance on the show since her infamous brawl back in 2007 with Elisabeth Hasselbeck in 2007 caused her to step down as moderator.
The source of the blowup? A discussion in wh...

In a groundbreaking writer's conference overnight session, German writers have come very close to creating the first ever "funny" writing composition in their own language.
President Munchen von Hausen, speaking for the group, said, " Although ve...