Confessions of a SoFla Stepmom

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Blah Blah Blah… back in 2013 I was clearly hammered when I said I’M BAAAACK. Get over it :) Lucky for you this is going to be part of my weekly agenda from here on out. Hell, you may even get more than that once the she alien decides to reside somewhere besides my uterus and I’m kicking it from home on the reg. May as well start with another disclaimer for old times sake: I am not nice, I am giving MY opinion and occasionally I will hit you with some TMI. Read on or don’t, IDGAF.

SO with that said, where to start? Quick update before you get what you’re really here for- the shit show life I happen to document for your (& my) entertainment. If you can’t laugh at it, you’re gonna need a lot more than a box-o-wine to cope & ain’t nobody got time for that.

Knocked up as of May-ish this year. 5 months and some change along with what we have been told is a little lady (HA!! you do realize that means another me, right!?). Harlow Elle’s last reported EDD (estimated due date for the non preggers) is 1/30 which just so happens to be my brother’s birthday. GO FIGURE. We’ve got the anatomy ultrasound on Tuesday so I will be sure to update if there is a surprise wiener LOL. If that’s the case I have about $400 worth of clothes and shit to purge- stay tuned. I still don’t own maternity clothes, wear 5″ heels to work, kick ass in the gym and GASP! have a glass or TWO of wine 1 or 2 nights a week. More on this shit later, calm your tits.

Still chugging along at the J-O-B. 3 years last week actually. I’ve had 3 or 4 positions there and still don’t want to kill anyone, so something must be going right. Thankfully my team is equally as sarcastic and weird as me so it works. If we’re friends on FB you’ve seen my shameless posts for referred employees, pet food contributions (seriously, do you not like puppies?! email me HERE to help) and other awesome stuff we do on the reg. Pretty much can’t imagine spending 40 hours a week anywhere else. And as for the most popular question these days: No, I haven’t made a decision past maternity (ew) leave. So if you work with me and you’re reading this, you cannot have my book of biz. Fuckers.

Don’t think I’ve ever touched on this one here but, I drank the kool-aid. Yep, I crossfit. But Amanda, you’re PREGNANT. Yes and!? After living the cheerleader life for the majority of my youth, I’ve found nothing else that is this pleasing athletically. My dead lift PR is 235, back squat is 205 & my mile time still sucks, but I love it. Yes I still workout 4x a week, no your opinion doesn’t matter. Yes my doctor approved it too, suck it :)

As for the glorious land of stepmomhood, as anticipated it has not gotten any easier. SD changed schools into our home county (WIN) but clearly grew a pair over summer that I didn’t notice on all the fun shit we took her to. Recently she’s decided to forgo listening to her teacher and is cool with getting her ass chewed (likely only from us) bi-weekly. As a result of that, my opinion has been disregarded from BM’s little snow globe of trailer heaven and I have officially been BLOCKED from her iPhone and email. I’m not sure if I’m more relieved or pissed off, but the hubs helps by not acknowledging her bullshit and replying better than I could have with a big fat thumbs up emoji.

Clearly there is more to touch on but I’m fading fast here since 9pm is what I now refer to as BEDTIME. More to come later this week skanks, stay tuned!

Seriously…I was in my International Relations class the other day talking with some people while we were waiting on our professor and the topic turned to fitness and work out tips. Of course I chimed in, that is my shit. I was telling them about my love for Body Pump and the Nike Training Club app when the 92lb black girl says “I want to be thick like you girl, what exactly do you do?” UMMMM?! I’m sorry but I don’t know if I should thank you or smack you! I guess this is a cultural compliment that my white “thick” ass doesn’t quite get lol.

I mean look, I get it. I am built like some sort of 90’s freakshow gymnast (I say 90’s because now they all look so tall and lean in comparison to the ones I grew up idolizing) with tree trunk thighs and a huge ass. But it isn’t some obsession with the “Brazillian Butt” crap they are advertising or anything recent for that matter that has achieved this “thickness”. I can leg press 175lbs, do billions of squats and throw my ass over my head in tumbling because of a life time of ass growing work. Gymnastics to dance to cheerleading is the road that lead me to this figure. I don’t hate it, but I’m not exactly a fan of having to A) buy a size up in bottoms so that my ass will fit or B) purchasing APPLE BOTTOMS or BABY PHAT to accommodate this monster. After losing 20lbs recently I don’t really like the word thick. LOL. Bottom line (HA!) is I’d rather have this badonkadonk then some pancake ass, so thanks tiny black girl in my class-I think I like what you said?!

Anyhoo, time for house work. 12:30 VPK pick up rolls around fast and that’s followed by errands, gym (coincidentally its legs day) and the pool. Attempting to teach SD to snorkel before our cruise in 17 days…but who’s counting? :)

Decided to give this blog thing a whirl. It may actually be a subconscious attempt to get off of Facebook and still be able to share all of my entertaining stories, recipes & pictures-but who knows?! Let’s start with a little disclaimer…if you are easily offended by sarcasm, honesty or real life shit (ok and some foul language) then this probably isn’t for you. For those of you that don’t know me, welcome to the madness. I’ll try and touch on bits and pieces of everything I encounter…from stepmom drama to foodie finds to student probs. Oh, that points out another thing: I abbreviate. Probs, obvs, approp, totes…so get used to decoding that if you are going to follow ;)