UFC Announces Upcoming Fight in Ellwood Thompson’s Parking Lot

RICHMOND, Va.— Speaking in front of an eager crowd at the popular Ellwood Thompson’s supermarket in Richmond’s Museum District, UFC officials announced an exhibition parking lot brawl between two esteemed neighborhood fighters.

The grand event, called “Manic in the Organic,” is scheduled to take place on October 29.

“We’re excited to announce that we’ve got a great match-up coming in the near future,” stated UFC promoter Alex Wydell. “The Ellwood Thompson’s parking lot has a rich history of mixed martial arts competition. The intersection of bare-knuckled brawls and organic, sustainably-sourced foods is deeply entrenched here.”

The announcement unveiled the two combatants as Richmond locals: Michelle Sharpe, 32, will be facing off with Jessica Rawsinki, 29, both of whom reside in the metropolitan area. Sharpe, who fights under the name “Kombucha Libre,” originally hails from Henrico and will be representing the city’s West End. Rawsinki, aka “Gluten-free Riot,” is a Richmond native and will be representing her home neighborhood of Lakeside. Both are seasoned fighters who have prestigious reputations at stake.

Ellwood Thompson’s was decided as the host venue through a committee vote last month. Other possible locations included the Country Club of Virginia and the Bow Tie Cinemas lobby, both of which have histories of genteel throwdowns. The decision to host the event in the overly-crowded parking lot was largely influenced by the aggression that’s long been associated with it.

“Everyone is always pissed off in that lot. Maybe it’s the size or the higher prices of the local, seasonal produce,” commented Fan resident Marissa Ward. “Shopping there definitely gets me amped, so I expect some real non-GMO TKOs.”

The underground wrestling scene in Richmond has experienced rapid growth. Last year’s matches “Quarrel Near the Sorrel,” “Berry Fist Infusion,” and “Truffle Scuffle” all sold out in record time. Many fans have already purchased tickets for their entire families for the Ellwood match and vendor reservations are going fast.

“We’ve got two hungry fighters who don’t know defeat. This’ll be one for the books. Plus, hummus tastings,” Wydell added excitedly. “The winner of this match will move on to the ‘Freestyle in the Express Aisle’ at Harvest on Main Street, which you won’t want to miss!”

Wydell closed the press conference by announcing details of another forthcoming upper-crust event in the Richmond area. “The bare-knuckle boxing match between Pete ‘Can’t Eat Wheat’ McElroy and Jake ‘Veggie Splatter’ Jackson will either be held at Whole Foods or the parking deck near the Altria Theatre.”