PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

Re: PSA: Thinking of getting married before your DW?

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

I don't get this. I'm about as PPD lite as they come on this site, but if it's just a "piece of paper", then treat it like a piece of paper. If you have a whole special ceremony, then clearly that's not what it means to you.

And a DW on top of it...oh boy, what a mess.

This is what always boggles my mind. If it's "just" a piece of paper, then why bother with it? Why not just put on your pretty dress and have some kind of commitment ceremony or some bs.

I think it's selfish to be upset. The legal/courthouse piece of it is truly what makes the marriage official, but to some it is nothing more than signing a piece of paper. The symbolic ceremony is what means more to the couple.

@knottie1db6dc7442e53f, I am very suspicious that this is your first post and you are defending someone who made a very bad choice to snub her family, ignore their expense and convenience, and disregard their feelings. Are you, by any chance, related to this wedding couple?

In case you are wondering why your post received such negative responses, a couple gets one wedding day. That is the day when they are legally married with a piece of paper that you seem to think is not important. It gives the couple specific legal rights. Try getting divorced without that piece of paper!

The "symbolic ceremony" you refer to is called a PPD - a "Pretty Princess Day", where the couple pretends that they are getting married, but nothing is actually taking place except a show. Children often play "wedding" like this. To expect your family and friends to spend large amounts of time and money to attend a PPD is incredibly selfish and AWish. (Attention whore).

I hope this has cleared things up for you. We all care about @ahoywedding . She is a good person who has contributed to our community here. Your criticism of her feelings shows lack of understanding and lack of empathy on your part. You should apologize to her.

This would really grind my gears too- I don't know exactly how I would act, but I would be feeling very hurt.

Also because the DW is only a few weeks away, it's obvious you've already booked your flights and hotel so you feel you can't back out.

I'm pretty PPD lite too- but it's the honesty that gets me. You want to throw a big party and have a "re-do" of your ceremony? I think it's pointless and offensive to those who didn't/don't have the same choice, but go for it if you *really* must. HOWEVER, don't lie about it! The couple needs to be completely honest about what they are doing so guests can decide if they would like to participate in the PPD or not.

Your sister has lied, taken away your choice to participate or not, and has spent your money and vacation time on a trip you do not wish to attend.

Her actual wedding sounded lovely, and maybe she is more comfortable with her friends, which is cool, but then why go through all the trouble of the destination re-do? Just go honeymoon there!

I'm sorry this happened, Ahoy. This is super shitty. I got really upset with a "reverse PPD." I've been in two different weddings where the B&G were too lazy to sign their marriage certificate at the wedding ceremony and they ended up doing it months later. One was on the other side of the country and I was really upset when I found out. I had spent time, money, and a lot of effort to attend. That "piece of paper" means a lot. I don't understand people who try to brush it off. If it's "just a piece of paper" why do it at all? You want to be able to make life altering decisions in the event of an emergency...you were denied the right until recently...so many reasons. It means a whole fucking lot.

Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.

Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.

OMG! You two were raised by the same parents? I seriously think you should call your sister back and explain the facts of life to her. Explain how her actions have hurt people. She needs to know, and perhaps she will listen to someone who cares about her.

It honestly doesn't sound like your sister is sorry for what she did. She's sorry she got caught. Those two are not the same thing at all.

Honestly, some time before her wedding when you've had a chance to process it I'd start the conversation again. Let her know that while SHE may not consider the legal part a big deal, you do. You know that her friends knew that she was able to change her legal status as married before you. People that you don't know in the town hall were aware of what she was doing before you. And instead of participating in her legal joining to her wife in Mexico, you aren't going to get to see it.

None of what you say is going to allow for time to be reversed, but if you're harboring the anger (and none of the things you said would make my anger go away) then I'd try to be as calm as possible while I explained my emotional reaction.

Awww thank you all for being so caring & supportive! My sister called me this morning to apologize, which was nice of her. She said she didn't mean for it to get out, but one of their friends posted some pics on Facebook so they figured what the heck let's make it public which....still doesn't seem great to me? She also said she didn't consider the legal part a huge deal, and I wasn't about to get into that at 7:30 in the morning. So I'm slightly less salty, but still not totally jazzed about going. Ugh.

OMG! You two were raised by the same parents? I seriously think you should call your sister back and explain the facts of life to her. Explain how her actions have hurt people. She needs to know, and perhaps she will listen to someone who cares about her.

This literally made me snort out loud. The three of us are sometimes SO similar and them sometimes....it's like different planets!

It honestly doesn't sound like your sister is sorry for what she did. She's sorry she got caught. Those two are not the same thing at all.

Honestly, some time before her wedding when you've had a chance to process it I'd start the conversation again. Let her know that while SHE may not consider the legal part a big deal, you do. You know that her friends knew that she was able to change her legal status as married before you. People that you don't know in the town hall were aware of what she was doing before you. And instead of participating in her legal joining to her wife in Mexico, you aren't going to get to see it.

None of what you say is going to allow for time to be reversed, but if you're harboring the anger (and none of the things you said would make my anger go away) then I'd try to be as calm as possible while I explained my emotional reaction.

"She said she didn't mean for it to get out" is worse. It means she was aware of her shady shenanigans, and intended to lie to FAMILY. Deliberately. Knowingly. I have zero time for that from anyone.

It honestly doesn't sound like your sister is sorry for what she did. She's sorry she got caught. Those two are not the same thing at all.

Honestly, some time before her wedding when you've had a chance to process it I'd start the conversation again. Let her know that while SHE may not consider the legal part a big deal, you do. You know that her friends knew that she was able to change her legal status as married before you. People that you don't know in the town hall were aware of what she was doing before you. And instead of participating in her legal joining to her wife in Mexico, you aren't going to get to see it.

None of what you say is going to allow for time to be reversed, but if you're harboring the anger (and none of the things you said would make my anger go away) then I'd try to be as calm as possible while I explained my emotional reaction.

"She said she didn't mean for it to get out" is worse. It means she was aware of her shady shenanigans, and intended to lie to FAMILY. Deliberately. Knowingly. I have zero time for that from anyone.

Sorry you're going through this Ahoy. @MobKaz nailed it all on the head. Not being invited to her wedding while her friends were would bother me most of all. The whole thing just sucks. Lurkers, be aware!

It honestly doesn't sound like your sister is sorry for what she did. She's sorry she got caught. Those two are not the same thing at all.

Honestly, some time before her wedding when you've had a chance to process it I'd start the conversation again. Let her know that while SHE may not consider the legal part a big deal, you do. You know that her friends knew that she was able to change her legal status as married before you. People that you don't know in the town hall were aware of what she was doing before you. And instead of participating in her legal joining to her wife in Mexico, you aren't going to get to see it.

None of what you say is going to allow for time to be reversed, but if you're harboring the anger (and none of the things you said would make my anger go away) then I'd try to be as calm as possible while I explained my emotional reaction.

"She said she didn't mean for it to get out" is worse. It means she was aware of her shady shenanigans, and intended to lie to FAMILY. Deliberately. Knowingly. I have zero time for that from anyone.

Yes. This is my thought too. She didn't give you a genuine apology. She gave you an "I'm sorry you feel bad" type apology because she got caught. She's only irritated that word got out. Because a part of her knows that it was a big deal. Otherwise why go through the hassle of explaining that her friends got to witness it and no one was supposed to know except, oops! pictures!

Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

If I found out my sibling was planning a destination wedding that was actually just a dress up party because they got married in secret first and put their vision before anything else, I'd be extremely hurt and try and talk them out of it and consider not going. If I found out after the fact that the wedding I spent thousands of dollars to attend was a sham, it would permanently damage my relationship with my sibling. I work hard for my money and get very little vacation time. If someone close to me invited me to their destination wedding, I'd do everything in my power to go. But to dictate how I spend my finite money and vacation time and then lie right in my face, that's unforgivable.

If you want to get married somewhere beautiful or on a beach, there are plenty of options that don't involve blatantly lying to your nearest and dearest. I will never understand why so many brides choose to have dress up pretend parties in Mexico, it's so easy to actually get married when you say you're getting married, but not in Mexico.

Really, why Mexico? Why does it have to be a place where it's difficult if not impossible to actually get legally married there? Why not literally anywhere else?

If you want to get married at home and then have a pretend ceremony in Mexico, why not just "elope"? You'll risk hurting a lot of people. And am I reading this right, you're saying the alternative to getting married prior to going to Mexico is not getting married at all? That would be equally as hurtful and you are risking a whole lot if you go forward with this. It may not be immediate, but when (not if) it gets out that you didn't actually get married at your "wedding" there's going to be a lot of hurt feelings and probably a broken relationship or two.

Of course your travel agent is going to say do it at home first, they make money off of your sham party. Honestly, with how difficult it is to get married in Mexico I'd assume any DW in Mexico is a PPD and I'd consider declining just because of that. It's just disrespectful. You read this thread, you know how people feel and you know the kinds of answers you're going to get, so I'm not really sure what you plan to get out of this.

@Knottie6a04f09f7eaa0019, if I found out the wedding my sister was planning wasn't going to be real, I would tell her that I wouldn't be going - I hope it's a lovely day, but I don't need to spend money on something fake - and that I wouldn't lie to anyone else if they wondered why I wasn't going. Ball would then be in her court.

Just spend the extra three days and get the blood test and get legally married there, if you have too much money invested in Mexico already. That's the only respectful thing to do for your family and friends.

Right now you will not actually be a bride having a destination wedding in Mexico. You will be a married or engaged woman putting on a show and having a party, and that's not enough to ask people to travel for - which is why you, your travel agent, and everyone else here knows that if people find out, shit will hit the fan. People do not like to be deceived, especially when it puts them out valuable vacation time and money. You know this. And people will find out. So fix it.

Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States.We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

Of course there are legal hoops. There are legal hoops to marry in one's own country. Why would anyone think it would/should be any easier to marry out of the country?

The bottom line is that no one NEEDS to marry outside the country. DW's are a CHOICE. Own the choice.

I would be forever and a day hella mad if I spent time and money thinking I was bearing witness to a marriage that in reality was a facade. Not only would I feel ripped off financially, I would have zero respect for someone that thought so little of my feelings. It goes beyond mere offending. It is a willful, deceitful act of betrayal.

You do understand that there is NO ACTUAL ceremony on the beach if you get married before or after it, right?

You and your FI are citizens of the US, no? And plan to reside in the US, right? Assuming those are true, of corse there are legal hoops to jump through. Mexico is a different country, with different laws. A marriage license is a legal document in the US that gives people certain privileges and responsibilities. When people immigrate to the US they have to provide documentation, translation of their marriage license to have it certified or "count" (it's early there's probably a better word for this) in the US; why would you be any different?

Every post on here about the legal issues surrounding DWs baffles me. Why is it so hard to get married in another country? Because ITS A DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

Lying to your friends and family isn't cool. If you want to get married in Mexico follow the laws, take the proper steps to do it legally and return to the US. Or get married here. But just "because it's hard" isn't reason enough to potentially hurt your closest friends and family.

Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

If my sister would have asked, I still would have told her it was a selfish idea. She and her now-wife have no connection to Mexico, it's not like the area we went to was a special place they had always vacationed in or anything like that. They chose it strictly because they wanted a beach wedding.

I would strongly advise against lying to your family and friends. Be up front with them. Tell them you are getting married ahead of time, and you are inviting them to a re-creation of your ceremony, on their dime. There will be some people who don't care, and are just excited about a trip to party for a week. Maybe if one of my friends had done something like this when we were in our early 20s I wouldn't have cared so much. Also consider who you want at your wedding. Often DWs are at all-inclusive resorts (passing another cost to your guests), which can get pretty pricey. You may have guests who aren't able to afford it, or can't take time off of work, or have some sort of health issue and can't fly. I have a decent amount of vacation time (for the US lol) and always have a vacation fund, and I was still pretty salty about someone else choosing how I got to use it.

I'll be completely honest and say for many years, I wanted a DW. I thought how great, to get married and then already be on vacation! But once you start thinking about it, its not a convenient option for a lot of people, and often more complicated than getting married locally (or even elsewhere in the US). My BIL just got married out of the country, just the two of them. I think they did have to do a bit of paperwork when they returned, but the country they got married in also spoke English & I think they started some of it at the embassy or something before they came home so it wasn't awful. That would be totally appropriate. Everyone knew their plans, and they hosted a dinner when they returned.

Just so you all are aware- To legally get married in Mexico, for example, you have to become a "resident" and as such, arrive to the country 9 business days before to establish residency. Your "real" ceremony that is so important for these easily offended guests to see, must be in Spanish. You need to make appointments with doctors in Mexico to get bloodwork done. Then, you must return months later to pick up documents. If for some reason the States when processing it do not approve it, then this genuine ceremony that you care so much about, would be the same "sham" you think that you are attending.

Also, the ceremony that we will be having will be the same it would be if we had it in the states... same words, same readings, same everything... just on a beach in Mexico. You would have no idea which weddings you have attended in the past that have or have not been the actual legal binding wedding unless you were the only witness and had to sign the paperwork. I've been to a two where something went wrong with the license application and the wedding wasn't actually the legal wedding... GASP!! Guess what, no one knew the difference.

There were actually other areas that my fiance and I preferred, including Florida beaches, and other countries that made it less of a legal hassle, but out of respect for guests and their costs, we did not select them as they were more expensive, harder to travel to, etc.

So before you all get up on your high horses and judge brides for planning the wedding that they envision and claim that this is all in selfishness, you should probably think about it from their perspective. Just like you said a destination wedding is a choice, so is attending one. You think it's selfish, then just don't go. At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.

Just so you all are aware- To legally get married in Mexico, for example, you have to become a "resident" and as such, arrive to the country 9 business days before to establish residency. Your "real" ceremony that is so important for these easily offended guests to see, must be in Spanish. You need to make appointments with doctors in Mexico to get bloodwork done. Then, you must return months later to pick up documents. If for some reason the States when processing it do not approve it, then this genuine ceremony that you care so much about, would be the same "sham" you think that you are attending.

Also, the ceremony that we will be having will be the same it would be if we had it in the states... same words, same readings, same everything... just on a beach in Mexico. You would have no idea which weddings you have attended in the past that have or have not been the actual legal binding wedding unless you were the only witness and had to sign the paperwork. I've been to a two where something went wrong with the license application and the wedding wasn't actually the legal wedding... GASP!! Guess what, no one knew the difference.

There were actually other areas that my fiance and I preferred, including Florida beaches, and other countries that made it less of a legal hassle, but out of respect for guests and their costs, we did not select them as they were more expensive, harder to travel to, etc.

So before you all get up on your high horses and judge brides for planning the wedding that they envision and claim that this is all in selfishness, you should probably think about it from their perspective. Just like you said a destination wedding is a choice, so is attending one. You think it's selfish, then just don't go. At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.

No one said a destination wedding is selfish. Having one and not legally getting married at one because it is easier for you and lying to your guests TOTALLY IS SELFISH. "Hey guest, I love you so much and want you to come to my wedding. Please spend money for travel, lodging, gifts and take time off of work. Oh but don't expect to actually see me get married because that is happening down the street. K THX"How about you get off your high horse and realize that not everyone wants to see you play dress up unknowingly? "You think it's selfish, then just don't go." Many people won't as long as you are honest about the fact that this is a dress up event, and not a real wedding.

Just so you all are aware- To legally get married in Mexico, for example, you have to become a "resident" and as such, arrive to the country 9 business days before to establish residency. Your "real" ceremony that is so important for these easily offended guests to see, must be in Spanish. You need to make appointments with doctors in Mexico to get bloodwork done. Then, you must return months later to pick up documents. If for some reason the States when processing it do not approve it, then this genuine ceremony that you care so much about, would be the same "sham" you think that you are attending.

There were actually other areas that my fiance and I preferred, including Florida beaches, and other countries that made it less of a legal hassle, but out of respect for guests and their costs, we did not select them as they were more expensive, harder to travel to, etc.

So before you all get up on your high horses and judge brides for planning the wedding that they envision and claim that this is all in selfishness, you should probably think about it from their perspective. Just like you said a destination wedding is a choice, so is attending one. You think it's selfish, then just don't go. At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.

So. Okay. If Mexico is a very important place to you & your FI, by all means, get married there. It sounds like getting legally married there is a huge hassle; that's not something most people want to deal with while also planning a wedding. Can I ask WHY you want so badly to get married in Mexico?

It's totally fine to have a vision for your wedding, that's how we all started planning! However, as you start to plan, everyone realizes there are parts of that vision that aren't feasible, aren't affordable, or don't accommodate your guests. That's when an adult would change their vision. It's like anything else in life. We have dreams & goals, but then we also have to live in reality. Sometimes we can't have what we want.

If you and your FI want to go to Mexico and have a pretend ceremony, no one is stopping you. But once you invite guests to attend your party (and PAY THEIR WAY THERE), they deserve to know what they are actually witnessing. If you have friends & family that don't care and just want to party it up in Mexico for a week, then go ahead with your plan. But I don't think you should lie to them. The truth will come out eventually, and trust me, it hurts.

It grinds my gears when people poo-poo the legal aspect of getting married. Apart from all of the romance & whatever, MARRIAGE IS A LEGAL CONTRACT. That's why you have to file it with your local municipality. People have literally died for the right to legally marry who they love, I'm not going to sit here while someone else makes it seem like that's not important.

Lastly, to the bolded. I want to choose my own vacations. I very much dislike the all-inclusive style of traveling, and want to do anything besides sit at the pool or on the beach for a few days drinking. What you're doing is essentially choosing your guests' vacation for them, and (at least in the US) we don't get near enough vacation time. Yes, an invitation is not a summons, but come on...am I really not going to go to my sister's wedding? And there is 100% nothing wrong with anyone's hometown.

Just so you all are aware- To legally get married in Mexico, for example, you have to become a "resident" and as such, arrive to the country 9 business days before to establish residency. Your "real" ceremony that is so important for these easily offended guests to see, must be in Spanish. You need to make appointments with doctors in Mexico to get bloodwork done. Then, you must return months later to pick up documents. If for some reason the States when processing it do not approve it, then this genuine ceremony that you care so much about, would be the same "sham" you think that you are attending.

Also, the ceremony that we will be having will be the same it would be if we had it in the states... same words, same readings, same everything... just on a beach in Mexico. You would have no idea which weddings you have attended in the past that have or have not been the actual legal binding wedding unless you were the only witness and had to sign the paperwork. I've been to a two where something went wrong with the license application and the wedding wasn't actually the legal wedding... GASP!! Guess what, no one knew the difference.

There were actually other areas that my fiance and I preferred, including Florida beaches, and other countries that made it less of a legal hassle, but out of respect for guests and their costs, we did not select them as they were more expensive, harder to travel to, etc.

So before you all get up on your high horses and judge brides for planning the wedding that they envision and claim that this is all in selfishness, you should probably think about it from their perspective. Just like you said a destination wedding is a choice, so is attending one. You think it's selfish, then just don't go. At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.

I don't have a passport which is required to go to Mexico, so attending your DW in Mexico would definitely not be easier. Not to mention, both of my children and my H will need passports so that's $455 just for passports. H and I are fortunate enough to have vacation time so we don't lose wages. Tickets to Mexico and a place to stay for 4 people is going to be around $1500pp. So now we're up to $6455. Also, I have to pay a petsitter for the week and pay to park my car. We're up to $7,000. So no...it's not cheaper and easier for your guests for you to get married in Mexico.

Look knottie#'s...no one is saying don't get "married" in Mexico. We're just saying if you're going to ask your friends and family to spend that kind of money, just be honest with them that they are not, in fact, seeing you get married.

Hello all- I am new to here, but I am a Bride who is having a destination wedding in January and I was on here looking for advice. This is an area that my fiance and I are struggling with because for those of you who have not planned a destination wedding, there are a TON of legal hoops to jump through to get legally married outside of the States. We were advised by our travel agent not to tell anyone that our wedding in Mexico is not technically legal, for basically EVERY reaction that you all have had here, which I will tell you is terrifying. Right now, we have to figure out whether we will get legally married before or after our actual ceremony on the beach... But by reading these reactions on here, you all make it seem like the better option is not to get legally married at all, as to not offend guest/family. Just wondering, if your sister had been the one asking this question, how would you have advised her?

If my sister told me this I would tell her I would love to come to her actual wedding at the courthouse and wish them a nice vacation in mexico.

Seriously, what were you expecting? You asked for us to put it like we would to our sister, and several of us obliged. That doesn't make the advice that it's a selfish idea to have a destination wedding that's not really a wedding any different.

"People would rather go to Mexico than our hometown, so we're really doing them a favor" is essentially what you're saying and how you're trying to justify the fact that you want a DW and aren't willing to give it up. Thing is, while DWs are often inconvenient, destination forced vacations where no one actually gets married are way more inconvenient. So it's on you to plan well and here are your options: 1) get actually married in Mexico with all the legal hoops, 2) have the ceremony (or better, just a party) in Mexico and be totally honest with your guests that that's what it is, including telling your parents/siblings that there's no pressure to come, 3) replan your wedding for a different location where you get married legally. If people truly don't want to bother to come to your hometown for a real milestone in your life, they won't.

If you stop with the illusion that anything about your wedding is a "favor" to your guests, and instead realize they are gracing you with more of their time/money (especially where time is money) than you're spending to thank them at your reception, in order to give you the favor of their presence at an important milestone in your life, then planning goes a lot differently.

@coop4321 - Ok no....you do not need to establish residency (if you're both from the U.S.), your ceremony does not need to be in Spanish, and you do not need to return 30 days later to get your paperwork - you can get it the same day or a couple days later. I don't know who/where your information is coming from, but it's incorrect. It's not that hard to get married there.

You have vision blinders on. You want a swanky beach wedding in Mexico, but you don't want to put in the work, so you're willing to literally lie to the most important people in your life to make it happen. WAKE UP. Have some integrity. Either get married in Mexico or don't, but don't lie to your family and friends. Oh and also, not telling people is lying by omission.

Why are you even here? You've obviously made up your mind, no one is going to say what you want, which is obviously 'go ahead and lie to your guests, their time and money don't matter as much as your vision of a party in Mexico'. You can find plenty of beautiful locations that aren't your hometown that also allow you to get married in front of your guests.

Can you at least answer why it has to be Mexico? Why can't Mexico be your honeymoon? Why would you choose somewhere, knowing you can't actually get married there?

Bottom line- people want to witness life changing events. Not re-enactments. The effort they would expend to witness either is quite a bit different.

And I'll tell you this- both my sister and best friend originally had visions of destination weddings. My sister scrapped her plan when she realized the legal hassle of getting married in England and that some VIPs couldn't afford to come. My bestie scrapped her plan after I pointed out to her how expensive Hawaii was and that, again, a lot of people probably couldn't afford to go.In both cases, the bride-to-be planned to do things legally, and I was still put-off by their visions because my vacation time and hard-earned money was going to be spent for me (as how could I possibly skip a sister's or bestie's wedding?). (ETA: and I have traveled for weddings because I care about people- both "fun" places like Orlando and Napa Valley and "backwoods hometowns"- like that's not offensive or anything, by the way.)

So, the fact that people would consider an expensive-for-guests, time-consuming trip for something not even legally binding, and lie about it, absolutely confounds me. It's the height of selfish.

If you're absolutely terrified of people who love you finding out you're planning something, that's often a pretty good indicator that you should not do that thing.

Why do you think they would they be upset with you? Is it because they would think you were being really selfish in making everyone spend a lot on travel when it's not actually your wedding? Then it's not our high horse.

At least the wedding couple is giving you a beautiful place to travel to instead of asking you to spend a similar amount of money travel to a wedding in someones backwoods hometown... Just another side to think about.

This line of thinking is where DW brides get in trouble.

Having a DW is not a favor for your guests, at least in most cases. Nope, it's often a huge expense both in monetary and time wise. Depending on where you live traveling to Mexico is going to cost more than a stateside destination.

That is not always true, it costs a huge amount of money to fly into my now hometown. Yet, there are much cheaper options to fly into that require driving. Point is there tends to be more transportation options to stateside locations. That doesn't even include things like passports, currency exchanges, etc.

This is coming from someone who lived in the islands and choose to have a wedding closer to home. 100% of our guests still had to travel. Even though we did make the wedding more convenient for the guests at no time did I think we were doing them a favor by picking a cool place. Travel, time and expense was still needed from them.

This is also from someone who has flown to Vienna for a PPD wedding. I knew about the civil wedding back in the states. The wedding in Austria was their Catholic wedding. Due to immigration it was easier to get married in the states. In Austria you have to separate civil and religious ceremony (assuming you want a religious one). This is KNOWN. At NO time were any of the guests in the dark about the civil wedding.

Sure some people choose not to fly over for the Catholic wedding because they were already married, and that is okay. It didn't make the Catholic wedding any less special. Both events were celebrated equally in their own way. The couple still celebrates both dates.

I also attended a PPD in the islands. The bride was Indian and there wasn't anyone able to legally preform an Indian ceremony on the island. So they got married in a civil ceremony a few days before the Indian one (in front of some family and friends). Again, this was known to all the guests. I was local, but even those who flew in did so under full disclosure.

Personally, I think full disclosure is important. If people choose not to spend their limited vacation time and money coming to an essentially non-wedding. So be it, it shouldn't make your celebration any less.

What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.