Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

partner with depression - trying to understand

im new here. I'm not suffering from depression myself but i am living with a partner that does and I don't know what to do anymore.

In the beginning we had a wonderful relationship. He made me feel like the only woman that existed and everything was so special. We had a fantastic sex life and really cared about one another. We had a complicated relationship though because we worked together and he was living with his ex partner in a house he still pays the mortgage on - although we now rent a house together. He eventually left his old job, as did i. We're both in jobs which satisfy us although his is very stressful and he faces a lot of demands.

I know he gets down from time to time but right now, he seems to be really confusing me with how he is feeling. He told me openly he was depressed about lack of money, stresses of work and the amount of time he has to commute every day to get to work. He said it wasnt me. However the intimacy in our relationship has really dropped. We share a bed but he hardly touches me. There has been no sex for three weeks - not a huge amount of time but for us, not natural. He makes laughs and jokes but spends entire days playing his computer. He talks to me but whenever i try to talk to him about this, he becomes very very defensive. He told me regarding sex, its not the right time. And he wants to 'just get out the other side'. He wont tell me i look sexy or nice because he seems to think i'll jump on him! I just want to be supportive but at the same time i feel very alone and cant tlak to him about this. he almost makes me feel bad for bringing it up. i darent suggest medical help for him because he'd just say he doesnt need it. He is pushing me away. Although we live together its like we have seperate lives. He told me i cant help him, which i know i cant. He said he wanted to just be by himself but i cant keep going out when its my home too. Recently he went through something similar and i walked out. I was away for two weeks at my parents and i came back. he was lovely and sweet again and the sex was great. Now he has become depressed again and i dont know what to do. I really want to support him but in his last relationship he mentioned that he and his partner didnt have sex for a year when they broke up. I dont want to live like that but i have a feeling it was due to his depression that the intimacy was lacking. How can i prevent the repetition of this cycle? i feel like he doesnt even want a partner. i do all the housework, worry about bills on my own and its like i dont exist. i feel like a hassle and i shouldnt.

Im so sorry this is long. i just wanted to give the full account and if any one has any advice or similar situations, please leave me a message. Im desperately trying to understand his condition and how i can effectively help. Plus its bringing me down too and i have no one to talk to.

This definitely seems like a challenge. I think first you have to decide how much you are willing to put into this relationship. It will clearly take a lot of work.
I am not depressed now, but have pushed loved ones away in the past. My experience is that depression is not a choice. It has it's own make-up, which reflects upon one's self-worth and self-esteem. When I would push someone away, it was often because I didn't feel I deserved them or I felt like they would leave me when they discovered these depressive episodes anyway. Both scenarios are really rooted in low self esteem and self worth, but will only show up during the depressive episodes.
My &quot;advice&quot;? Stay positive with him if this is a relationship you want to work. Let him know you see what he is going through and it is not a deal breaker for you- that more than anything you would like him to share it with you and for the two of you to get through it together.
Don't expect it to get better as soon as you decide to take this route. It may take some time. But what he will really need to see is that it is for the long haul.

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