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Things That Make Me Instantly Suspicious

1) When a salesperson says, “Can I get you something to drink?” No, no you may not. I don’t want to be here any longer than I absolutely have to. When I drink things I have to pee. When I have to pee, I’ve found it’s socially accepted to go use a restroom. What are you going to do to this paperwork while I’m away peeing in your restroom, wondering what scams you had to pull to be able to afford such nice marble countertops?

2) When somebody invokes the nationality of an object. “Oh, this is a fine piece of Swedish furniture.” Why the hell does the nationality matter? Does the piece of furniture being Swedish mean it’s going to add 40 years to my life? Will it hand me a meatball every time I sit in it?

3) When somebody won’t make eye contact ever. I have pretty eyes, look at them damn you!

4) Every weight loss or nutritional product ever. Without exception. There isn’t a person on the planet who can work out for just 15 minutes a day and start selling tickets to the Gun Show. Drinking pure fruit juice 24/7 will do one thing very well: give you a miserable case of the poops.

5) Bold, brightly colored fonts. If what you were selling was really that good, why the hell would you need it to look as obnoxious as possible? Are you TRYING to make me gouge my eyes out with a rusty, dull grapefruit spoon? Because you’re succeeding.

6) People with inflatable lawn ornaments. What the hell are you trying to hide? Why is your life so boring that you derive extreme amounts of enjoyment blowing up cheaply made crap so it can sit obnoxiously on your front lawn? You know how much pleasure people take in popping bubble wrap? You’ve just set out the mother of all bubbles in full public view and you expect them NOT to be highly tempted?!? Kiss your inflatable Winnie the Pooh and his honey pot good bye! (Sidenote: what the hell is a Pooh? A pooh is not a creature. He’s a frickin’ bear, you morons. Bears kill things! I know he’s named Winnie and really that’s a pretty wussy name for a bear, but he’s still a goddamn bear!)

7) Southern accents. I know it makes me a horrible person, but if you have a Southern accent I am instantly suspicious of anything you say. The thicker the accent, the less I believe you.

8) Anybody who says “Safety first!”. You’re an idiot. The instances in the recorded history of man where Safety has legitimately been the 1st and utmost priority can be counted on the toes of my left foot. What you really mean to say is, “Before you do this, we need you to fill out a ridiculous amount of paperwork, then put on a variety of highly cumbersome and ultimately ridiculous equipment.”

9) When a movie trailer says “From the team that brought you…” 9 times out of 10, this means the movie is a complete and utter steaming pile of dog shit, so they’re trying to sell on everything OTHER than the movie itself. “You liked this one movie by this guy, so this movie is GUARANTEED to be more awesomer because we paid him so we could put his name on a production credit!”

10) People who don’t like dogs. If you can’t enjoy a dog, you’re cold and dead inside and you need to seriously reassess your life. I bet you’re probably a cat person, aren’t you? How’s that life as an anti-social hermit working out for you?

If you can’t enjoy this face, you should really think about driving into a tree.