'Wife' School - Would You Send Your Daughter?

We have a handful of etiquette-related rules at our house, like these, for example:

No feet where you eat.

Say please and thank you.

When someone gives you a gift, send a thank-you card.

Be the kind of guest who gets invited back.

We also have a couple that I never thought -- pre-parenthood -- I'd ever have to say out loud, like the most recent: We wear underwear every day.

As parents, we created these rules to help our girls become civilized human beings who will hopefully know how to make their way in the world, but according concert pianist Wonny Song, civilized isn't enough -- at least not for girls.

The goal of the two week class, which is geared to girls ages 10 to 14, is to teach things like table manners, posture, conversation, fashion and make up and hostessing skills. "We see a lot of young ladies who can benefit from a makeover program," says camp co-creator Angela Chan. "They need to develop their presence."

Apparently, "presence" involves being able to put flowers into a vase (decorating a table is one of the course topics) and knowing which fork goes where. A lot of people are critical of the camp, including sociologist Marc LaFrance. "It might as well be called Wife Camp!," LaFrance tells "MacLeans." "Is Betty Draper happy on 'Mad Men?' " No! She's miserable! Things like makeover camp send the message that a girl's value lies in being entertaining, ornamental, totally innocuous, accommodating and polite. I'm also concerned because it targets girls. Where are the boys?"

Yes, indeed, where are the boys? "There was zero per cent interest from the boys," says Song. "Look, this is not a boot camp to reinforce the notion that girls should stay home. It's not sexist. We would love to include boys, but what can we do?"

Well, Song and Chang could start by creating a class that teaches etiquette to both sexes equally, one that doesn't send the wrong message to one and exclude the other. There may not be too many boys out there who are willing to admit they're interested in table settings, but there are plenty of teens -- boys and girls, alike -- who could use a refresher in manners. Marc McCreavy, one of the program's instructors, defends the camp by saying, "It's important to learn about appropriate topics of conversation and appropriate attire." Yes -- but important for girls and boys.

While I think a camp like this sends the wrong message to girls in general, I suspect there are girls out there who might be interested in it. It's like princess dresses. Moms worry when their little girls want to wear princess dresses -- day in and day out -- that they aren't getting enough exposure to gender neutral activities. But some little girls just want to be princesses, no matter how many trucks you stuff in their toy box.

This class might be a good fit for the kinds of teens who are drawn to this sort of thing, but putting your daughter in it so that you can "make her over?" Uh-uh, no way. Find a horse/art/soccer/whatever-she's-interested-in-camp instead and keep teaching her to write those thank you notes. She'll be just fine.

What do you think? Would you put your daughter into a charm school camp?

Sterling Sisters. Jamie Sterling of Texas has five girls, ages 10 months to six years, all involved in beauty pageants. A devoted, if exasperated, mother, Jamie cherishes the "girly-girl" camaraderie but says she tries to focus on inner beauty first. However, she worries that her own preoccupation with "looking pretty" might eventually send mixed messages. Read on.

Jeff Curley

Does it bother you that people are quick to judge pageant families?
There's a label that families like us think life is all about looks, and that you always have to be beautiful and be all dolled up. But my girls know that they are beautiful to their Daddy and me, and that's all that matters. They understand love and patience and kindness. We focus on real qualities instead of outer appearance. Pictured: Jamie Sterling surrounded by twins AshLynn and BreAnne, BriLeigh and AinsLee.

Jamie Sterling

Are you strict about makeup, tanning and diet?
I don't take them to the tanning salon, but I will use the spray tan and store-bought nails. It's no different than playing dress-up. They love makeup. It sounds weird, but in my crazy world with five kids, all this girly stuff helps me spend time with them instead of burying myself in laundry and housework. I'm so close to them because of these fun things we do together. Pictured: AshLynn Sterling, 6.

Jeff Curley

Does your husband participate at all?
We've reached an agreement where he will go to any of the pageants without make-up involved, and without any of the fake nails and hair and stuff. That's our deal. He also won't pay for the pageants, so I pay for those kinds of activities with my own paychecks. He doesn't like the exploitation of it all. Pictured: Brooklyn Sterling, 10 months.

Jamie Sterling

Has anyone ever directly criticized your choice to be a pageant family?
We just moved from Austin. I mentioned to my new neighbor that my girls have done print modeling. She said, "That's okay, but pageants are just not right." I agreed and moved on. Then one day I needed her help -- we were packing up for a pageant, my husband wasn't there, the credit card was missing and everything went wrong. I had to run next door and tell her the truth. She ended up being sweet; it hasn't bothered our relationship one bit. Pictured: AinsLee Sterling, 2.

Jeff Curley

What do you say when your girls don't win?
It's hard. This idea of winning and losing is a problem lately because one of my twins is excelling more than the other at the pageants. There are times when I don't want to do pageants anymore because I worry it's becoming too hurtful for her. But every parent has to find a way to foster those issues of competitiveness between kids. You have to pick yourself up and keep on going. Pictured: BreAnne Sterling, 6.

Jeff Curley

Do you see having five beauty queens when they grow up?
When they get to the teenage stage, which I'm not looking forward to, I really think they'll understand the importance of internal beauty and they'll make their own choices from there. I do get nervous about the pageants impacting them in a negative or superficial way. Right now they're so innocent, and we have so much fun with it. I know I need to think harder about the future though. Pictured: Sterling girls, Christmas 2008.

Jamie Sterling

Haley Burkhardt. You could say pageantry found 8-year-old Floridian Haley Burkhardt before her mom had a chance to think twice. "People kept saying, 'You have to get her into pageants and modeling!'" said mom Ashlee Burkhardt. "Everyone said she looked like a porcelain doll, and her personality was so happy, upbeat and cute." After winning her first competition at nine months, this brand new world became all they knew.

Ashlee Burkhardt

Did you have any reservations when she first started?
We were walking through a mall when she was about nine months old, and I saw an ad for a beauty pageant. We decided to give it a try just because so many people had encouraged us to do something with her beautiful face. We never even had time to think about the pros and cons, because she won immediately. Things just took off from there. Pictured: Haley at nine months.

Ashlee Burkhardt

How have pageants affected her social life?
She still shies away from some people, but she truly shines on stage. She was the only child at her preschool graduation who could stand up there without running around or fidgeting. She stood there with a smile on her face. Pictured: Haley, 18 months, winning her first Grand Overall at Sweet Pea Pageants.

ReaderComments (Page 1 of 11)

No! My Daughter's parents made sure she knew which fork to use, when to write notes, please and thank you, and so forth. We also made sure she was independent, confident, well informed, and respectful of herself first, so she could and would be of others.

I believe the “make over” program is a great idea... for parents. One reason so many children are deficient in the areas mentioned (some important; some superfluous) is because their parents often are. I also believe there are parents who do not care about the objects of civility; what I do not know is if their apathy is born from ignorance or opinion.

The way we treat each other, communicate, and behave is learned, and any civil society demonstrates and lives within rules of behavior. Those rules should be taught in childhood to both girls and boys. Male, or female, disinterest is no excuse for a manifestation of disrespect (bad manners, bad behavior).

There is an old saying, well, maybe not so old, I just made it up, "The real wife school is in the examples set at home; so too for husbands. If you want your kids to be good spouses… then be good spouses."

You can use the money you did not spend on your kid's “make over” for a pony…

Are you serious? You must be an aged individual. My parents taught me those things without sending me to some god-forsaken camp that gives girls the impression they are supposed to be house slaves. And women in general have ten times more etiquette than a man could ever dream of having. Old-fashioned people need to shut up and sit down. Women are housewives anymore. Women are doctors, lawyers, CPAs, senators, etc. Give the world ten years, and all you male chauvinist pigs will see. Women will be the bread winners, and still be the one that holds the family together in hard times.

Catherine are you joking. It's funny that your comment is completely ignorant. Many polls ahve shown that Americans seem rude, because of there assertiveness and loudness. Americans seem rude merely because they don't take the time to learn other countries customs, mannerisms, cultures, and behaviors. Next time do research. This Wife School idea is absurd. In my opinion the great advancement of women is one thing that is helping our country. Ever wonder why every other country isn't advancing as fast or as well as America, look where there women are placed.....

YOU are one of the luckey ones, If you were taught the ways of civilized life,by your parents. Many children in the USA do not get all the one on one they need to become Adults in this world .

I wish this was taught in school . From proper hygine, to conversation, to being a caring and sensative human. the kids are so self absorbed and rude and uninformed.(they talk amonge them selves and are getting incomplete information).

This should be part of a required program that starts in 1st Grade and continues to 12.

Well, I just want to add my two cents. After travelling the world, I do notice American women need to be taught to be lady-like, the mass media promotes rudeness and all sorts of bad stuff. After 100,000 hours of watching USA TV, girls do need the class on etiquette. But I will say I feel I know why a lot of women will not like this program. It's simply that in America the old ladies are very jealous of the young ladies, especially innocence(note: hidden theme of Sex in the City), so promoting cleanliness and etiquette to the young in America infuriates a lot of women here, who never get a second chance to wear the white dress down the isle, and want to make sure NO ONE ever does...kind of like Cinderella's STEPMOM.....

So... all of you that are calling this "wife camp"... are you assuming SINGLE women don't need to know all those things? Don't single women need to converse, have manners, know how to throw a decent dinner party, etc...??? It's not sexist. If your parents aren't civilized enough to teach you these things they should at least have the good sense to let someone else teach them. They're certainly not being taught at school.

while I think this is completely outdated...these types of schools were around for a very long time..called finishing schools. they were popular mostly in the 1800 to about 1950, but this isnt the only school that still runs today, I watched an episode of wife swap not too long ago and one of the mothers was a..what did she call her teachings..something like southern belles..so while it is uncommon it is still out there..would I send my daugther to one? hell no. Im already a souther woman with manors, and a housewife at that. I can teach her what she needs to know. what she gets from it is up to her, I would never force a life style on her. while I love my life as a housewife and mother.as I was groomed to be...I would never expect my daughter to do the same. if she wants a carrer and live on her own before marriage, I have all the confidence in the world that she will do whats best for her, and her life, and still be a great wife and mother..with a great job. in other words, I say it differntly, but I do agree with you 100 percent

It used to be called "charm school" and most of us (back in the day) attended. While most of us came from families that teached, and stressed the importance of, basic etiquette, this went a step further. What it did was allow me to feel comfortable in almost any situation. It was not degrading, it was not demeaning, it merely helped us young women traverse the social landscape without trepidation, and with total confidence.

Hey, I think it is a slam dunk idea. My working parents never learned the details of this sort of thing. You sat down to eat you had a plate, a fork, a knife and a spoon. One glass for the iced tea. Flowers on the table meant some child drug em in and mama had to put the flowers on the table. So we got the job done, no one went away hungry except by choice. Now I'd love to understand why there are so many forks and how to use em. No damoki, I did not learn the things discussed here at mamas knee.

I fully agree with this comment. These are not over-the-top ideas, but rather very basic and mundane things EVERYONE (boys and girls) should know and understand. This are basic life skills, how to be a productive citizen.

If a child is not well-behaved, parents should take the initiate and be a good example to their children, and include punishments for if they do not do something and small rewards (even praise) when they do. Basic parenting, people.

There is no reason that there should be a camp for this kind of idea. Parents are so lazy these days, hoping to just plop their kid in front of the TV or send them to camp instead of TEACHING their kids the skills they need in life and then wondering what happened when their kids go down the wrong path.

These "Learn Your Manners" schools, despite what they camp owners may say, are very sexist. The fact that there are no boys at the camp (which genuinely may be the case, but still) sends the message to young girls, "This is what YOU have to do, this is how YOU have to behave, but boys can be all wild and crazy."

Because they're so focused on manners, they do not let kids be kids. If parents taught this at home, though, they could help show that you don't have to be Miss or Mister Manners all of the time. Parents could show their kids that being polite doesn't mean you have to be this fake person, but rather you can still be who you are and be really polite. You could still be the hardcore rocker, or the hippie or the track star and still have good manners. And that is ultimately what's to be learned

I find those who are protesting this school are the most old-fashioned.. I own my own business, own my own home, and am noone's wife.. and I am female

What is wrong learning social graces? I am grateful that my parents taught me how to perform in society.. manners are nothing more than thinking of others before yourself.. When I entertain clients in my home, my dinners are more than eating at a trough.

As a woman who came of age during the women's liberation era, I find it amusing that possessing social skills are only associatedwith the 1950's culture

Those of you who feel that these skills denote passive mindlessindividuals should leave the 1950's and attempt to join the 21st century

There's a program around here called Junior Cotillion that teaches many of the same things (table manners) to both girls AND boys - they also teach how to waltz, how to introduce people properly (and do you introduce the president first, or the queen?) and the boys learn how to escort the girls. The girls learn how to be escorted. It's a much more practical and less sexist-sounding program.

Things I wish I'd learned in wife school:

How to balance a checkbookHow to pay billsHow to correctly file an income tax returnHow to buy a house, car, or other item requiring financingHow to clip coupons, plan meals, budget groceries, etc.How to make things grow (I kill plants, I can't landscape at. all.)How to clean a house really well, top to bottomHow to buy major appliances, furniture, etc.How to do government contract accounting (my husband owns a business - maybe this one is just me)How to do basic home repairs - fix an outlet, fix a leaky sink, etc.How to do basic car maintenance - change oil, etc.How to decide a fight when I believe one thing, he believes another, there is no compromise, and our kids are involved (see also: circumcision)How to raise two kids under two without completely losing the plot...

Perhaps, for some, being a wife is all about dinner parties and entertaining guests, but that has not been my experience or the experience of anyone I know.

I really should just write an entire home ec curriculum and sell it. The crap we learned in home ec (how to make brownies from a mix, how to make an apron) did NOT cut it.

I think the camp is a great idea. We have reached a point in this culture where the finer things have been forgotten. Someone has to be responsible and bring it back because my contemporaries have forgotten the other important things in life.

Love your list of specifics! As Girl Scout trainer have tried to update leaders as to what girls actually want & need. Thank you for generous help :8-)) Yes, quality basic manners open some doors and prevent others from slamming against you personally. Recently saw lawyer fired for poor public table manners. Nothing fancy - chewing with mouth closed, taking reasonable size bites, how to hold/use a fork and knife neatly, wiping lips before sipping from a glass, etc. Basic manners are just simple considerations of others. Congratulations on your own insights and thanks for sharing really useful specifics. This camp option could be a parental supplement, someone else saying & showing that reinforces ...

When my older son started High School in 1988 they had a course that taught many of these things as part of the Home Ec course that both the boys and girls had to take as Freshmen. It was called Living Skills and they got a large manila envelope the first day which was their "family." They had a checkbook that they had to keep balanced, they had to make a budget based on their job (given to them in that packet), They each had a family of different sizes and make-up (some had an in-law living with them) they had to go grocery shopping (just on paper) to see what it cost. They had to get a place to live by checking the classified ads. Pay insurance, etc. All the things to start out life. It WAS a great program. The next year the DRUGS, ALCOHOL, & CONCOM course was mandated and they had to put that in instead.