ASTROLOGY AND ITS DISCONTENTS

PISCES

What kind of a goal is wanting to be better than you are? Incredibly, laundromats abide – you can too. Even in 2016, it’s very difficult to avoid surprises. Whatever happens, you can always organize a bar crawl. This month, keep count. Be the bigger person, or at least walk more slowly. Let yourself off as many hooks as possible. Remember to stretch. For your own sake, introduce yourself.

ARIES

As far as you're concerned, don't be. It's safer to assume, probably, that the first few times it won't work out. Some music isn't better live. Could you do without a refrigerator? This month, watch it. Consider cooler shoes, and that the lies you can tell yourself are infinite. However it looks, keep on keeping on. Equivocate less. Bet more than you should.

TAURUS

What can you do to make your problems useful? The price of feeling alive might be fewer adventures: sometimes the right answer is to stay home. Dinner, probably, will be fairly average relative to others you've had. If your sense of the world isn't expanding, start working "a thousand times yes" into as many sentences as you can. This month, slowly ruin something real.

GEMINI

You know what’s cool? Feeling good without feeling guilty. Sometimes solutions are intuitive: if you’re feeling blocked, cut down on cholesterol. If you’re finding it hard to concentrate, take a nice, long look at the ceiling. Pets are clearly family – it’s easy to forget that in just as many ways, they’re also friends. Keep an eye on why you’re doing what you’re doing, and on how many commitments you’re making. This month, pay attention to the room itself. Make your bed, and spend more time in it.

CANCER

What could be more trend-forward than worrying about the future? Should you feel, today or any other day, like a visionary: stop right where you are and try again. When necessary, give up on grammar. This month, drink less but stay hydrated. Forget about catching yourself before you laugh at your own jokes. Share what you have in common. Stretch carefully, and imagine a tremendous mistake.

LEO

Consider that before you, someone else was sitting in your seat. Can you think of anything less endearing than misguided ambition? If you can, campaign against it. This month, make it nice or make it twice. Avoid herbal supplements, and fearlessly share puns. Retire anecdotes after the third time you tell them. Make waves. Never tweet.

VIRGO

One way to feel real is to retire from social media. The end of all that, or at least of this year, might mean a new beginning after all. Some things are still stranger than others: even now, the old exam months can elicit that magical feeling of dread, years after the end of formal education. But don't let that, or anything else, get you down. Every now and then, giving in is healthy. This month, try again.

LIBRA

This month, give up your skepticism about Discover Weekly and give in to the algorithm. You can't always control what your face looks like, and that's probably a good thing. Take less stock in astrology and find more solace in routine. Build up a repertoire of advice applicable to a majority of people in common situations. The secret to having a banner year might be long series of banner days. Why are you surprised about the perennial return of rough patches? Your sluggishness might have consequences, but they probably won't make matters any worse.

SCORPIO

The big surprise this month may be that you aren't the person behind the curtain you imagine yourself to be. However hairy the promises you aren't delivering on, avoid the temptation to play favorites with the one's you have kept. What could be more cutting-edge than nordic culture, geographically closest to the end of the world? Stability without tradeoffs is this week's white whale worth chasing. Dancing on graves is always an unnecessary indulgence, but so is rolling over in one.

SAGITTARIUS

This month’s buzzword: convenience. If you find yourself slowly slipping back into old habits, at least you know where you are. It's so easy to forget the outrage that accompanied the introduction of the news feed. Experiment with a slimmer set of principles. It may take you a while to realize the value of investing in indoor plants. Where does doom exist outside of the signals announcing its forthcoming arrival? Wherever you exist on the fun-high performance-personable venn diagram, there's a mattress out there that's just right for you.

CAPRICORN

Twelve months is a tremendously productive length of time in the life of a baby. What could you accomplish in a year that would rival becoming ambulatory? There's very little to be said for being sneaky about anything, but one way to make friends is announcing that you're playing hooky. It's inevitable that sitting in the dark for hours will be introduced as a health fad at some point in the coming decades, as soon as "dark" becomes a luxury commodity. Forget everything you ever heard about getting it right. This month, don't worry how relaxed you are. Who cares, right? Wrong.

AQUARIUS

Forever is a big deal, but so is love. Do you thank your significant other for photos he sends, the emails she writes, the way your bed stays unmade? The truth is: sometimes you strike out, and sometimes you don't recover from that. You can look like a million bucks and still feel like a large variety of other amounts of money. This month, don't try to go home again. Let yourself win for a change. If they call it a comeback, so what? You've been here the whole time.