Friday, May 16, 2014

It
was a pleasure speaking with you again today. Below is the formula to
determine the minimum collateral value before a house call for both Margin and
Non-Purpose Loans. The maintenance requirement for equities is 30% for
both loan types.

I didn’t have any questions as such, so I consulted my
friends on Facebook, and was able to compile a comprehensive and challenging
list. I was therefore able to reply thus:

Yo! Bobby!

It sure was cool to speak TO you too, although I have no
recollection of it.

There is an expression used in the home of the Empire “I didn’t
understand a word of it”. That would not be apposite in this case, as I
understood all of the words; it was your neat trick of combining them in such a
way as to render them incomprehensible that got me. Well done!

Anyway, I didn’t really have any questions, so I asked my friends
on Facebook if they would like to take advantage of your kind offer. Here they
are:

Rosemarie asks: WTF?
You know people who can decipher that shit? (that
one may rhetorical)

Mike: How long before you own all of my assets?

Lynne: If God created the sun on the fourth day,
how had four days passed?

Richard: …do you still do that IRS dodge you
they used to and who is your contact?

Lynne (again): what is purpose of a non-purpose
loan?

Dave: Where did I put my car keys?

FN: Would you rather be a flying horse, a
unicorn, or just a regular horse?

Lynne (again, she’s a saucy minx, isn’t she?): Would
you rather star in a porn film and have to watch it with your parents or have
your parents star in a porn film and have to watch it with your friends?

Richard (again): Red sauce, brown sauce or no
sauce at all?

Norma: Mathematically, with no brackets, that
formula does not make sense! Why divide anything by 1?

FN: (again): Did you ever practise kissing with
one of your sisters' Barbies?

Sunday, May 11, 2014

This is a tricky one, isn't it? Maybe our
Nige is telling the truth for once. I tend to err on the side of fairness, and
just because someone has a proven track record of talking total bollocks all of
the time, it does not prove that he is not occasionally capable of telling the
truth once or twice. But let's put him aside for a moment. I would quite like
to put him aside permanently – it is not as though there is a shortage of twats
to replace him.

Let us turn our attention for a moment
then to the elderly. Yes, they may be irritating and irrelevant, but that does
not mean that they are not deserving of compassion. So, granddad, if
homosexuality makes you feel uncomfortable the solution is simple. Stop doing
it. Alternatively, find a less painful way of doing it – I am sure that these
exist, but don’t wish to encourage the use of this website for the
dissemination of such information.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

A few weeks ago a friend of mine appeared
on the electric television (for about the length of time it takes a rhea to
cross a road) having been witness to a rhea roaming the Hertfordshire
countryside.

The Torygraph and other worthy tomes
today report that it has been shot. The rhea, that is, not my friend – he remains
cheerfully bullet-free, despite the best efforts of the Establishment.

The dangerous animal (again, I allude to
the bird, not my friend) was shot by a gamekeeper. There is no irony in the job
title being in direct conflict with the job description. A local golfer is
quoted as saying “It’s sad that someone had to shoot it, but if it was a traffic
hazard, I understand that.”

My niece pointed out that “traffic hazards”
are not exclusively avian. If there is a need to rid the world of potential
traffic hazards then it is incumbent on me to join the kill. I will be arming myself
like Rambo and setting of in pursuit of them. I believe I shall start with
Hertfordshire golfers, whose ridiculous clothing can distract motorists, whose
badly directed golf balls can easily unseat motor cyclists and whose ridiculous
opinions can cause car drivers (me) to such excesses of rage that they lose all
notion of highway etiquette.

It is perhaps a cruel thing to do, but I
am not one to shirk my duty. I will attempt to be humane in the execution and
leave the bodies neatly piled in bunkers so that they can be easily covered
over.

If you can let me have a list of other
potential traffic hazards, I will develop a schedule on my free weekends.

* For the benefit of Abe, the CIA analyst
who has been tasked with monitoring my net activities (Hi, Abe – how are
Cynthia and the kids?), I should perhaps point out that this article is
intending to be satirical. I am, as you know, a pinko, tree-hugging, commie,
pacifist faggot, and the only dangerous weapon I shall be likely to wield today
is my bread knife should I feel esurient of an evening and set about the organic, wholemeal
loaf that I baked overnight in order to get outside some of it.