Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Sitting Ducks

The IT boom saw many a cousin brother and sister from Kerala making a beeline to Bangalore, settling into careers, marrying and then having their babies. After the arrival of the baby and mom from mom’s hometown the proud parents decide that it is time they got back to the carefree days during weekends. Now this leaves poor baby out in the cold. Out of profound guilt, the new parents decide that their own kith and kin* should look after the baby so that he/she does not feel left out and grow up to become a psychopath or HR.

There fore during weekends we would get a gaggle of babies, toddlers and brats into our house for ‘safekeeping’ so that new mom and dads and the not so new mom and dads could have a night out in town. (Little did they realize that it was us that needed to be kept safe from them.)

(*‘Kin’ is defined as my mom and me.)

Here are some lessons I have learnt after years of baby-sitting, which may prove useful to new parents and masochists in search of newer and better methods of receiving punishments.

1. The smaller the baby, the easier they are to take care. The bigger they are the better if you are away on a vacation when they are visiting.

2. The age of the baby/kid in months is directly proportional to the BDA plots that your Doctor will buy from the consultation fees you pay him for treating your ulcers, fast graying hair, nervous breakdowns etc.

3. Babies prefer that the babysitter sit, while they crawl around, chewing slippers, licking shoes and gnawing the dog. ( My dogs will actually put their tails between their legs and slink out of the house when they hear my mom say on the phone "Sure we will take care of Rohan" )

4. The smallest speck on the floor is immediately spotted, minutely scrutinized and eaten. This includes ants, cockroaches and other miscellaneous life forms that are bite sized. Baby food is for woosies. No self-respecting baby will eat it. (The modern art on our walls is dried baby food by the way, in case you think we are art connoisseurs.)

5. When baby takes your finger and chews on it appreciatively it does not mean she is hungry. It means you did not wash your hands after dusting the sofa/bathing the dog/gardening etc.

6. Babies have internal radar that tells them if you are within 5 feet of their crib. So it is advised to leave the TV ‘ON’ when you need to go out of the room. The noise won’t fool them but they know that you will definitely be back after the commercials.

7. Water in the dogs bowl tastes much better than the boiled water served in sterile bottles. Ditto with the dogs food. Ditto with the dog. ( Cerelac/babyfood is for dogs)

8. Kids know immediately when they look at you that they have a sucker in their hands.

My mom said I could shave my legs (a 7 year old)Daddy said I could use your lipstick (a 5 year old)My mom said that I could watch Desperate Housewives (an 8 year old)

and my favorite

Brat: If you let me play in water I won’t tell Mummy that I fell down from the swing ok?”Me: But you didn’t fall down the swing!!!Brat: I know.

9. Answer all their questions patiently or the consequences can be unpleasant.

Brat: What are you reading?Me: A book. My Mom to brat: What is the chechi doing?Brat: She is reading a book.Mom: What book?Brat: Aunty lying on top of uncle.

Mom’s reactions withheld but she was in my room before I could say “Charge of the Moral Brigade”. (the book “ a romantic tragedy” had the cover picture of a young couple, the girl leaning on the man’s shoulder whilst they both looked at the sunset)

10. Be appropriately dressed when kids are around.

Brat to my Dad: Why are your boobs so small?Dad: Huh ?!?!?!.... I think I hear the phone ringing!

11. Be prepared for embarrassing questions.

Brat: What is adultery?Me: er...where did you get that word?Brat: We are learning Ten Commandments in Catechism Class…Me: um..er...mmmm...ahem...it is some sort of sin.Brat: Wrong!! You commit adultery if you run away with that uncle next door. Me: %$@&*# If you know the answer then why did you ask me the question?Brat: I was just checking.Me: *censored* (I pity Primary School Catechism teachers)

12. Be prepared for mental battles.

Me to mom: Arun’s mom says we should not give him E.G.G.(spelling it out so 4 year old Arun will not catch on)Mom: So Arun what would you like to eat?Arun: E.G.G.

Same kid had a cold and was thus forbidden to eat Ice Cream. But he kept bugging me and finally exasperated I said: Read my mouth NO!Arun: Read my mouth “YES!”

13. And lastly they are uncomplicated.

Me to my friend: What will happen if you put a Blue Elephant into a Red sea?Friend 1: The elephant will become red?!Friend 2: It will become a bluish red?Friend 3: hmmm..it will become purple as blue+ red is purple. Brat: It will drown.

Brat got it right.

( The youngest baby we babysat was a two month old infant whose mommy had to air dash to London for some examination. When she got back we had to conduct an induction programme to reacquaint her with her baby. After the induction I gave her a 60/100. My mom gave her a 10/100. Thank god for the Law of Averages she got to take the baby home!!)

I try to convince my wife that the best way to have our daughter [all of 5 months] eat food is to leave it on the floor. She disagrees.She cries when she is fed using a spoon.She is happy to eat anything else: toys, curtains, sheets, paper.Ah! Kids!

Babies are cute and adorable but soooooo smart. Spelling out a word and winking won't help..they catch on pretty quick.

I remember when i was traveling with a friend and her little boys aged 2.5 and 4. The 4 year old was saying something to his mother and when his little brother interrupted him to answer the older brother's question, the older one immediately told the younger fellow to shut up as the question was directed to his mom. After a few mins of silence, the younger one asked a question to which the older one promptly offered his opinion..at which the younger one..all of two and a bit, turned around and told his brother..." And I asked dad.". :))

@Mindcurry: Picture purrfect? LOL One ex brat babysitting current brats he he :p And I thought with my experience in being a brat I could handle the present lot. How wrong I was!!!You are so right, kids are cute if they are not your own or you are not in charge of them :))@Alexis: This is post I mentioned when you wrote your post on kids :) There are so many more incidents but I had to keep the post of readable length!!! :)@Quills:Thank you dear girl :) That incident with your friends lil one was so cute. I can never get enough of kid stories :)@zimblymallu: Aiyyo!!! No thanks. I rather look after someone else because everytime I do that I end the day making a solemn promise that I wont have my own. My Dad and bros learnt the art of closing the door and keeping it firmly closed till the brat pack had left lol@Vinod: You are so right!!!! I have told that to so many Moms. Babies will anything that is fallen on the ground. In fact my mom practised "reverse psychology with brats. "Dont do it" means they will do it. So she would say "dont eat that" and they would actually eat it out of curiosity!!! :)@dreamslittle: Thank you doc. These are just observations :))@tcr_79: Thanks for your frank comment. This is one subject that I have to write in a 'as is where is ' basis. So I merely recounted what I saw :)@dr pissed: Happy life? Wait till you babysit!!! I havent yet written about the cut lips, broken arms etc. part :))@Leon: Thank you. I am sure you were like this wonly he he :p@lost in trance:Hope so and I can see that new Dad Vinod agrees :)@Amitabha: 3 stitches above his left eye and a few hundred bruises here and there?? *yawn* Sounds like a regular kid to me :p

"...so that he/she does not feel left out and grow up to become a psychopath or HR."

Ok, so you are psychopath...

That aside, babysitting can be fun. Being the youngest kid on my father's side, and the almost the biggest brother on my mother's side, I know both sides of the... let's say playpen, shall we? That's why I could use tricks I learned on one side, keeping myself safe.

How cud u forget the countless piggyback rides that we need to offer so as to bribe em into eating food. Anyways, a very nice post, and to a seasoned campaigner err.. babysitter like me, it was quite nostalgic. :)

Hehe You are right you know ? My sister has two kidsw and when she is home on weekends , she is too tired to look after them . The prospect of having them around entices me into the job of looking after them . One is nine months old and the other is almost two . By the time they leave , i would be lying passed out somwhere in the dark corners of my room . but Boy ! You forget your worries when you have kids around.

i am sending this link to all my friends who recently became fathers (also to every friend who is getting/thinking abt married...shuld be a gud warning to them!)

me...me stay away from babies...despite their cute looks n innocent urge to fool around..i manage to keep the frown on my face so they dont get too adventurous and tell my mom what book i am reading! (though they arent as bad as the ones u were reading SF)..offlate i have been melting a bit..and the lil buggers can immediately see that..one lil cousin in thripunithura recently send me his wish list when i came back from London...he wanted an IPod!!!!!...i replied even i want one!!!

i thought ur probs were only with the SysAd .. now , i realise i'm miserably wrong - it involves the HR too ... Stupid me !!!!

I rem the time when I was baby sitting my cousin (shez 12 yrs younger to me )... in the end , i learnt how to moo like a cow , miao like a cat , and bark like a dog ... but clever me !! i pretended it was agame .. wonder if anyone believed me !!!!

Nice post... Humorous... Kids can be like two edged swords... I remember teaching my bro's 3 yr old son to wink eyes.. Last week when I called my Mom, she was screaming at me.. Cause : My nephew was winking at everything remotely feminine, when he went with my mother to a temple.. But more than my mom, he had embarassed the other guys who had come to the temple to ogle at the girls!!

Scenario - My cousins and their son in front of the TV watching a movie. In the movie the husband comes home and the wife tells him something that makes him very happy.And then this happened.Son to Mom - what happened?Mom - The wife is pregnantSon to me - But it can't be. She hasn't thrown up yet. Mum's lying.

I had a very red faced cousin next to me. :-). Still pull her on that one.

Too Good and Humourous. I too remember one incident my friend told me. He was going along with his friends and he waved at a cute kid who was going in a scootter behind its mom.( Kid sitting in such a way that he faces the road behind). The kid showed his middle finger :)Definitely, Kids are Growing !!! and you need extra armoury to deal it

I usually don't have a problem with baby sitting, my size really has a great effect on kids, and my cousin sister whose kid I used to baby sit, calls me Gabbar Singh LOL. Well, it is a gift if you can make a kid sit trembling on the couch, without even thinking of moving, just by one (Gabbar Singh-ish) look

@Fleiger: That's the best of both worlds! You were really lucky :)@Supremus: They are priceless. This was a quiz that I read somewhere.p.s. Loved your India post :)@Immigrantincanada: It's great to have someone to take care of your kids.@the optimist from utopia: Yes, piggy rides were part of the package :) Great to see another seasoned baby sitter !@Aashik: "Lying passed out somehwere" that's the occupational hazard of babysitting lol@Browser: LOL@MoC: "though they arent as bad as the ones u were reading SF" grrrr How mean... frowning at the tots. How can you resist the cute babies with the dopey look and hearmelting smiles? I just love them :) (as long as they are someone else's)@Deepa: Me too learnt some valuable lessons like keeping my footwear on top of my cupboard and locking my door with a padlock etc :))@DD:lol then delay their arrival, but once they arrive you are hooked :)@Jagan: Now you are moving into my territory :))Lucky you.@iyereducation: Great to 'see you baack' :)) Kids can make you soooo embarassed!@Verbal torture; Thank you!!! :)@Monu: Wish they would show that much interest in their food :)@shrieder: The horror!!! LOL

@Flaash; That was sooo funny rofl :)) I have a similar exp. I was keeping an eye on a six year old during a wedding mass as his parents were helping out at the ceremony. After the mass, when a hush fell over the congregation the kid turned to me and informed me loudly "Now they will have babies!" :)) I am yet to recover from that incident :p@Unnikrishnan G Nair:lol Teaching a kid to wink is something most guys do. Guess it is a sort of 'passing on the mantle thingie'. ha ha just thinking of the kid winking away makes me crack up :))@Ladyparadox: Thank you gal and and I love Rugrats :)@Browser: That was so funny!!! In fact I when I was small I would pester my Mom asking her how people got babies ONLY after the wedding and not before. She would tell me that God would see the ceremony in church and then send the baby :)@Dhanush: Thank you :) Now that was cheeky. Bet he didnt know what he was doing. But kids nowadays are quite bold.@Binoy: Making a kid tremble in fright? How mean!!! grrrr :))@Poison: They would drive you crazy before you can say "TIBET" lol@1.168: Having kids around is great but I prefer babies. They are absolutely adorable :)@Lalit: takes mental note never to babysit You just saved yourself from getting old and haggard prematurely lol Hope you have visited Goa :)

Just read your reply to the comment on last post. I don't think my sister will have anything interesting about me to say (we were famous for having least quarrels) I was talking about those of my sisters, who industriously tell their mothers (from whom it reaches my mother) that they saw me on XYZ road may times with a girl. As in the living memory of that road, since it was a poor dirt track, I have been there twice with a girl, one my sister, the other a friend Now you know why I said "sufferer".

@fundoome: You must have been a terror!! :)@Arjun: Thank you. Their innocense is soo refreshing :)@Anand: I hope Experiments in Child Psychology, by Anand Fish, will never see the light of day or we will lose an exceptional writer to lynching by parents. :))@the dalda: I think he will scream his face blue if you do that.@Fleiger: Now I understand. You are a 'sisterhood' sufferer. My sympathies :p

@ Silverine: I am grateful for the concern, Senorita. But death.... is only the beginning. For an Avatar like Moi it is but an ascension into a higher plane. :P----------------BTW, Albert Fish was a notorious serial killer who slaughtered (and ate) nearly eighty kids throughout the eastern US in the early 20th century.

As ma matter of fact i ahvent. Funny how I spent two years in Bombay but never got to visit.First time one of the guy had a bike accident, second time someone suddenly contracted jaundice and the third n last time, we had Tsumnami. After which I dropped making plans for the fear of something more devastating.

@Naresh: That's so beautifully put!@Vinay: Thank you!! And thanks for the kind words on 'Man Hunt'.@Anand K:Ah.. I knew about the Ag for Silver part :) And ascend to a higher nether plane you mean? Googled and read about Fisher *ugh*.@HnL: Just 19 months apart??? You should be given an award for surviving thus far!!! :)@sreejith: The pleasure is mine, though the memories are quite painful :p@Lalit: tsk tsk Not been to Goa?? Well I think you should try it with another set of friends this time. A luckier set maybe ? :))

I noticed recently that you left a comment in one of my test blogs long ago. Welcome to visit the real pranilokam. Of all expressions, humor requires the most control on the medium. You handle it very well.

@Fleiger: I love the babies but the 3 years and older crowd are a different species all together.@starry nights: Thank you and you said it gal we should all get a Gold Medal and paid vacations :))@Ammey: Thanks buddy :)@seeyes: Thank you :)I am amazed at your photography. It looks so real. You should be with National Geographic!!!!@Geo: Thank you Sir Geo :)

This one was so hilarious. I have 2 nieces and both are a handful. Infact I remember more from when I was a kid and the mean things my babysitters (read older cousins) did to me.

I remember when I was 5 they fed me day-old dal. It was brown and lumpy and my older sister was feeding it to me. My older brother came and whispered in my ear that I was being fed potty! Till date, I feel queesy eating dal.

Then there was the time we had company at home. Some very sophisticated people over for dinner. All the kids had been told to sit quietly in the bedroom. Possibly our elders didnt know reverse psychology. My cousin brother ran out of the bedroom, all of 7, wearing torn shorts, with a new Whisper wrapped around his neck and went..."Mommy Mommy, I found a neck warmer".

Fantasric, Silverine.First time here, but loved it thoroughly.While in school my fav comic strip was Denise the Menace.seeing the wistful look in my face , my amma used to say, "wait till u get one of ur own; its one thing reading a comic, but bringing up a comic strip hero is more than a handful!"Guess she was right.Love

@If I tell ya, I'll have to kill ya: Girl, you are welcome to put a post here anytime :) I found a neck warmer LOL Oh my God!!! The expression on the faces of the adults must have been something ha ha :))) And day old dal is the very reason these parents leave their kids with us. Some babysitters are very unreliable:))Potty? UGH@Jim: You know I have left out so many embarassing bits out. They say the most embarassing things in front of others :))@flyawaymind: I have had my share of all that you described, once even crawled out of the house and gate :))@sreejith kumar: Thank you for the honor :)@Kusum: Dear girl, thank you so much. I can almost hear the chuckle in your comments :)@Jinu: Me too, love em creepy crawly rugrats. I can never put them down, keep carrying them around much to the consternation of the mommies :)@Sreehari: No@Deepa: :)))@Vanathi: Thank you :)@Achinthya: You know even I thought Dennis the Menace was cute. Now I know why he was called 'menace' :)) Thank you for your kind comments.@Browser:Give a hug to him from my side. He sounds really cute and naughty :)

i keep telling everyone i know to keep reading ur blogs to just forget all their tensions and boring rotines and laugh their hearts out...unfortunately i havent been able to be true to my words nowadays...glad i didnt miss this one...especially when its abt the only specimen of mankind that never tires me out...i just love them despite all the trouble they make.

i had these 3 babies of my friends i regularly used to babysit and once while babysitting them i was running a fever and not seeing his mom for quite a long time the kid dials 911 and starts talking to the cop and afterwards he passes on the fone to me...if i didnt die on the spot of shock on coming to know who was at the other end i thank the heavens...i apologized profusely and on hanging up totally blew my fuse!!! oh nowadays i miss those kids and all the trouble they made!!

Maybe... It depends on the person. Like I love the kids and babies who can handle themselves. My niece loves the 10 min baby-sitting time I used to get once in a while, where she had a license to do anything except touch my computer and do anything dangerous (like poking her neck through the window grill). It used to be a very peacefulperiod for both of us.

hey tth was sooo cute and funny ,,, I have 2 cousins sisters ..as brattish as u get them .. i genrally dont have food in my mouth when they are around .. scared i might choke myself listenin to the gyan they have to give... i love kids a lot ..but rather prefer them to be a little more innocent .. i guess those days are gone ...

this was really funyy silver!I didn't have a chance to babysit 1yr+ olds in a while, but I do agree with Anand, fear is the key. We used to scare my li'l cousin with 17 horned monster in the attic if she refused to eat :))Once we also made her believe in this monster with asking her to go upstairs, and one of us jumping on her with darth wader like robe and a black lid of solar cooker dabba painted with pastels as a monster's face,, I know that was cruel, but it did WORK!!

@Jithu: Make the babies first!!! :p@Jiby: Thank you. Nice to see you more often. Keep blogging. Babies are something else arent they!! Calling 911 and chatting with the operator..thats soo cute :)@Fleiger: You just can't put do's and don'ts for babies. Toddlers maybe, but babies have a mind of their own :)@Shruthi: Thank god I haven't got any gyani kids to babysit!!! :)@Bud: Thanks pal :)@gladmeetin: Suddenly? No dear these are years of experience. And when Alexis put up a post on kids I was also inspired to write about my exp with kids:)@Kusum: lol I am cracking up just thinking you going har har in office cos I do the same when I am reading something funny. My colleagues are now used to the chuckles and guffaws that emanate from my cubicle :)induction program Yeah, it was thorough and my Mom tried her best to fail the new mom cos she had got so attached to the baby lol@Anup: Thanks, have a great weekend you too :)@Venus: Thank you. Scaring the kid was so mean :) But my brother too has no patience with kids and once scared a kid by putting on gurilla mask and talking in a gruff voice because the kid wouldn't leave his room or things alone :p

i know, it was li'l too hrad on that li'l kid at the very moment, but she was being so stbborn and fussy that we did not have any other option :-S but we also enlightened her later on, that, there was no monster, and she was old enough to get this facts :)

Hey Silverine... I'm writin ur 85th comment? OMG! No wonder u're #3 on Indian bloggers. :) Anyway, thnx for droppin by, even if u did make fun of me...*hmph*. Great blog u've here.... really funny. Read quite a few posts and still ROFL. (Really liked the WinXP one :)) This goes on my blogroll. :D

@shruti: Kids are well informed these days I guess :)@Venus: That was nice, telling her the truth!@Dev; Welcome buddy. Whenever I see people bathing under waterfals I think "what a waste of some really good water" :))@Jeremy: Thanks!!! I am getting kinda hooked onto your posts. Read the innerwear post today he he :p@Nikhil: Thanks pal!!!!@Browser:*innocent look* Who? :))