Aunty Bella: Miss. I Hate My Mum

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon neither did I live in an environment of love. I lived with my grandma for six years before I started living with my mum at the age of 6. Unhappiness affected me academically. Moving in with my mum made me think my dream of being loved had come true. I was wrong.

The truth is, I’m not close to my mum because of the words of her mouth. She uses whatever I tell her against me. She called me a prostitute at the age of 13. She uses vulgar words on me which has not stopped even at 23. She compares me to other people and makes me feel like I have never done anything good. She believes I’m a pretender(just because I’m quiet). As a result, it has affected my self esteem.

Recently, she has been telling me to move out of her house and I don’t know why. She looks for every avenue to find fault in me. She has a problem with my boyfriend and she says he is the one that has influenced me; but the truth is the way that I am being treated by her that makes me keep away from her. My boyfriend is the only one who understands me and all I am going through. We have been together for 4 years but my mum says she wants me to be with someone who is wealthy. According to her I’m dating a “small boy” (I had told her that I’m a year older than him.)

She constantly puts it in my face that my mates are dating ‘reasonable’ guys,working class and all. My boyfriend is in his finals at the University. She says I should leave him. How can I leave someone that understands me more than she does? He has done a lot for me.

I really want to have a breath of fresh air and be free for once not having someone that believes nothing good can come from me.I know her thought towards me are negative because she says it at times that she doesn’t like me. I don’t have my privacy. She also says I’m rude because I have started sleeping around and because my boyfriend has started sleeping with me. The truth is I am not happy especially because she derives joy in embarrassing me publicly.

I need my privacy, I need to think straight,my source of joy now is God and my boyfriend. What is the best thing for me to do? I am a 23year old, psychology student from a broken home. My father is not an option because I saw him for the first time at the age of 21 and he acts like I’m forcing him to be my father so I have left him. My boyfriend has suggested we rent an apartment and live together. My mum is frustrating me; she believes I hate her, but the closeness can’t be there. I need your advice, please.

Not tough at all.
For example, what does this even mean ” She also says I’m rude because I have started sleeping around and because my boyfriend has started sleeping with me”? That doesn’t make sense. Are you rude because you have sex with your bf or you have sex with a lot of different men? Maybe she means “rude” as in Caribbean slang “rude gyal”. LOL!

Dearest,nothing cuts worse than being rejected by the very person/people who are supposed to love you the most…..but u must NOT give up hope,hold on to God darling. He promised in his word that even if our fathers and mothers should reject us,he will NEVER forsake us.
You need to grow a thick skin right now and focus on God and yourself….develop yourself,push and challenge yourself….dont let the feeling of inferiority and worthlessness consume u.Psyche urself up everyday!…..also while i think moving away from the harsh environment u are currently in….i do not think moving in with ur boyfriend(no matter how supportive)is the way to go….perhaps you should consider moving in with your grandma or an aunt or uncle…
In all of this,i would encourage you to keep in mind that God is letting you walk through this fire so he can refine you for greatness.Do not let ur present circumstances define who u are…..above all forgive ur mother,it may not be easy but ultimately forgiving her is more beneficial to u than it is to her.

My mum says lots of horrible things to me as well, similar to what you’ve explained, and they are mostly difficult to understand because I really, truly am a good girl. She’s also most often the source of any fight or unhappiness we have in the house. However, I’ve grown to understand that she can’t help it and it is just who she is/who she’s become.

I tell myself to think about it as some kind of a weakness she has instead of a deliberate act she does. I think it could be that she has bipolar disorder because she just switches up unexplainably at times but we’ll of course never know.

I’m 23 and really looking forward to marriage for this reason. Hopefully then, it’ll be much easier to deal with her.

In the mean time, I don’t suggest you move in with the boyfriend until you are both married. It’s too risky considering our societal environment. Sad but true.

you’re looking forward to marriage for this reason hoping that it may get better or you may be able to handle it? pls dont get into marriage for this reason. u may be suprised that she will transfer her madness into your marriage

Same as me. growing up was horrible. my mum hated me, did worse things to me than what you’ve written here (she pushed me out of a moving car, beat me with tree branches that had thorns, scratched my face on occasion, called me a prostitute always, said i had a spirit that attracts men, she couldn’t believe it when my husband innocently thanked her for raising me right cos I was a virgin when we got married) she did all sorts. but today God has vindicated me. Of all her children my life is so much better. she is proud of me and tells anyone who cares to listen about how wonderful I am.

I used to hate her before but now i see its ignorance, transfer aggression and a silly notion about gender that affected her. I used her hatred to motivate me. My self esteem was low too but the more i challenged myself and got public condemnation, the more i used it to improve myself worth. I still have doubts but its much better now. I am where I am today because I wanted to be better, to prove that despite her dire predictions about me and my future, I would turn out right. Please dont move in with your boyfriend. I found God and he turned my life around. It was hard, there were days when I cried for days unending, but today I’m the one who’s smiling. If you want to I could contact you and be there for you. I had a friend I used to talk to back then, she helped me see beyond my mums actions and actually feel sorry for her. It gave me peace, helped me forgive her and show her love, now we are as close to best friends as we can be.

Funny she has never out rightly apologized. all she says now is, i might have been wicked to you, but at least your life is better. In my minds eye, I see it differently, i can have turned to drugs or guys or anything terrible if I hadn’t found God. There’s so much I wish I could tell you, but the summary is… Hang in there, persevere and work hard so you can prove her wrong someday.

You are stronger than her words, you are beautiful. Do not let anybody make you think otherwise. Forgive her, love her anyways and know that whatever she’s putting you through will be a result of the hurt she’s going through herself. Hurt people hurt others. Loving her through all these things can help repair your relationship. Moving in with a boy that hasn’t married you isn’t the answer. Concentrate on having a great future, don’t stop dreaming and hold on to your relationship with God, he makes all the difference. *hugs & prayers*

if leaving her will give you joy my dear move out or else you will do things that in your wildest imagination you think you can’t do and it will be on the negative she will never see your worth until you leave the house a frend of mine had this kind of experience ‘cos she lost her first admission into school and she is from a humble background too and her mum didnt care to listen to why she influenced her dad and siblings and the house became unbearable for her until she left to get a life for herself then her mum came back to her senses and realized what she did, thank God she is not spoilt and thank God she is getting better

Dear young lady,
The beginning of your story sounds similar to my life. We hated each other. My advice to you is to keep praying to God. Stay with your mother until marriage. I married and then moved out and now my mom and I are close because I did everything I was suppose to do eg. Went to school, graduated, married, and built a house. Some mothers don’t know how to be mothers and to them they are doing their best. Trust me things get better and you will forgive her. Pray for peace that passes all understanding. Continue to respect your mother because that’s what the bible states. You will soon be a mother and its not that easy yo raise a girl especially without a father figure. Best wishes.

Na wa o ..my dear pls move out for your self esteem and sanity but please also be careful about your boyfriend I pray he is for real (dont depend too much on him as you would need to develop your self esteem back,before he starts taking advantage of you as well)……it is obvious your mum has not recovered from the hatred she had of your dad leaving her and is now focusing it on you. Pele it is well all the best.
By the way bella what happened to yesterdays post of Aunty Bella. Why did you delete it?

Wow! this is so sad and deep! here,take a cyber hug 🙂 now take a deep breath. Here goes,do you work? if you work,can you afford to rent an apartment? Nothing fancy,maybe a small 1 room apartment. After that you could try talking to your mum,look for an opportunity when she does not appear tired,anxious or sad. Let her know how her words affect you,look for a polite and respectful way to say it without sounding accusatory. its not going to be an easy conversation and it does not mean that you will both become best friends after that,but it may help her see how her words and actions have affected you. Your description of her paints a picture of someone who may have suffered severe emotional abuse or maybe she craves emotional support…thats just my opinion,i could be wrong.
Its important you have that talk with her,because we miss our parents when they are no longer with us regardless of the kind of relationship we might have had with them. Its also important because you might be a mother someday and without realising it,we sometimes pass on faulty parenting techniques…
Whatever you do my dear,PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE do not move in with your boyfriend. Wishing you peace,love and God’s blessing.
Kisses!

Yep, what TA said. You need to sit down and talk with her (your mother) so that you at least give her an opportunity to understand what you’re going through. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done that yet. And I don’t blame you for that, it must be a very difficult environment for you to be in right now.

Do Not Move In With Your Boyfriend. That really doesn’t sound like a great idea; you’re basically jumping from an abusive relationship (i.e. with your mum) straight into the unknown. Not saying your boyfriend is or will be abusive, it’s just best that you first of all find your own emotional stability and grounding.

Have got a step-sister, cousin, aunt/uncle, any near relative or family friend that you trust? As in, trust enough to know what you’re dealing with at home? You may want to investigate some options such as moving in with them instead, if that convo with your mother doesn’t really go well (although, I’ll be praying hard in my heart for you that it does, sweetie). You deserve to live a fulfilled life, please don’t hate her. She’s got issues, clearly and your hate could blind you to even moving ahead yourself.
Typing in a rush but praying you get the best advice possible from these comments and other people closer to you. God bless, luv.

feel your pain dear. I believe your mum is transferring her aggression and frustrations surrounding the circumstances of your birth to you…for you to have lived with your grandma for the first 6 years of your life shows her relationship with your father was not an ideal one…..an understanding of what happened can help you understand where she is coming from and help you know how her mind works…..if you have another close family member who has authority over your mum you can let them know how you feel and what is going on so they talk to your mum about her behaviors towards you….this am assuming is that you are actually not guilty with some of your own actions…..we can sometimes assume we are always right in our own eyes…

secondly pls don’t be tempted to move in with your boyfriend…..you are not yet married and what happens if you get pregnant when u r not ready financially? how will u handle the conflicts when you start to have them? since you are both students how are you going to finance the rent and other expenses? hold on till you finish school, get a job and can even start with a one room apartment. That way you keep your dignity, self respect and financial independence…..sadly most men take women for granted when you start to live with them before marriage so pls don’t walk that road this early in life…..
Never never ever let her words take root in your spirit, only God can define you…..always believe you can be better and will make it in life…….wish you all the best my darling..

It is obvious you mother’s resentment for you stems from the hatred she has for your father. Broken homes can lead to one of two things. Either the mother over showers her child with love, so that the kid doesnt feel a gap for not having a father…or the mother hates the child because of what the child’s father did to her. Your case is obviously the latter.

As to what you want advise on, I am not too sure. Are you looking for us to help you become close to your mum, or at least have a better relationship? Or are you looking for us to validate your reasoning for wanting to move in with your boyfriend?
Whatever the case may be, my take on getting a place with your BF is that, it may not be the best move just yet. Right now the relationship is good and he understands you. But, what if you guys break up? Where will that leave you? Crawling back to your mother? She is only going to use that as ammunition against you. All you will ever hear from then on, is “I told you so”!

At this present time, I recommend having a heart to heart with your mother. If that doesn’t go so well, I suggest seeing some family members, and having them help you talk to your mum. Where is your grandmother? Can she not be of any help? Or is she just like her daughter?

Moving in with your boyfriend isn’t what i would advise… maybe you should try to sit and talk with your mum and find out why she’s been hostile. If you have to,ask a family member to sit at d meeting but if she’s still being hurtful,take it to God in prayers, do your thing and pray to get a good job soon so that you won’t be dependent.

Hey dear, you are loved. A lot of people go through this, just know that she wants the best for you. She is probably voicing out her fears in the wrong way. Check your zodiac sign and find out about your strengths. Keep dwelling on them and keep telling yourself you are a strong woman, born to succeed NO MATTER WHAT. Get closer to God, get a not-so-expensive hobby that can get your mind off the negatives.In all, try not to move in with your boyfriend, instead tell him to help u with a loan to start a business. Much love xx

I feel for you, but now is the time to be strong.
First you must be mighty in prayer. Your mother may be your mother but your heavenly father is greater than the universe.
Do not move in with your boyfriend! Between no income, parental disapproval and low self esteem you will drag each other down and end up back at your mums.
You need to start a side business to make money and start saving for your future.
At hom, even if it kills you, you must be respectful and show your mother the face she wants to see, and do your best to avoid provocation until you are in a position to stand on your own 2 feet.
Many happy and successful people grew up without parental love, I know it is hard but you must rise above it. Over time your relationship might likely improve but until then love yourself and your God all will be well. Hugs.

The mother has realised her failures in life and is projecting them onto her poor daughter. If you must escape, either marry the boyfriend or get a place on your own or with other family. Your mother has issues and has refused to deal with them, do not let her or your father determine your footsteps or your life.

this sex with ur bf matter, hope you are not looking for love in the wrong places. I mean its easy to think its only your bf that loves you but what examples of love do you have to compare it with. Seek your self esteem in you – dunno if you are a christian then read scriptures that speak about your worth in God’s eyes. As cool as your bf is right now you may end up being a single mum yourself these cycles tend to repeat themselves. If the environment at home is too toxic for you then have you other relatives you could live with or simply wait this out till you finish school and you can fend yourself.

On some level, I can identify with what I’m reading as someone who is personally getting over some hurt from my parents. I must say though that I can understand why my parents acted the way they did recently toward me: WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT. They come from a background where things are done a certain way and they expect that myself and my siblings will adhere to that. As a person who wants more out of life, I can’t do that. In your mum’s case, it’s difficult to know why she’s behaving the way she is and I believe that it’s difficult for a parent not to deep down love a child that they birthed. But even if they do, thank God they just birthed us, they didn’t create us. That means who I am and the possibilities of what I can become lie with God and I. If possible I think you should have a heartfelt discussion with your mother in an environment where she can’t harm you if she gets upset. Doing so is not to try and foster a better relationship, it’s just to clear your chest and let her know straight from the horses mouth what’s going on so she doesn’t have to assume or make up her own conclusions.
I also think you should separate yourself from the situation if possible. I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD MOVE IN WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND THOUGH. It’s easy for us to make an angel out of the one ally we think we have when people are against us, but please remember HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND– they come and go. Allow yourself the space to be able to get out of that relationship if things turn sour in the future. Get a place of your own if you can afford it, or find other roommates.
But if you can’t do any of this, you will have to abide by what your mother wants because you live in her house. But remember just because you live with her does not mean you have to take her abuse. Spend time building yourself up and reflecting on what God says about you. Don’t let ANYBODY’s negativity change you. Such experiences can either make you stronger or aide you in making poor decisions. Allow it to make you stronger. Only you and God decide what becomes of you.

my dear, don’t involve in loan yet, what do you do if the worst happens??? pray for ur mom and talk with her.
even if it means apologising for wrongs ypu have not done.
let her know you love her despite everything. and as some one said, stay with her till you get married and that shall be your crown and her to boast off.
as you know, what do not kill you will not break you.
i pray you make the best decision.

Wow! great advice here…my dear pls pray but most importantly you need to heal. If you are a Christian, pls find a good church home that you can trust their teachings. Then prayerfully search for women who you can talk to and mentor you. You need to heal from years of rejection and low self esteem. While you live with mum, seek help for your emotional, psychological wellbeing. You need to be whole. I might sound harsh but if you can, pls end the relationship with your bf. I know he rocks your world. Do it please. Ending it will help you focus on yourself without distraction. Men never finish…if he was meant to be you will find each other but you will be at a better place. If not, a better man will find you.
If you are not Christian same thing applies. Find a support group of positive and aspiring people to learn from…approach somebody you admire and just sit under them whether extended family, friend or teachers. Just be very very careful. I recommend women please.
Focus on graduation and adding value to your life. Take things one step at a time. In time you will learn to love your mum. sending hugs and prayers your way

dear, there have been enof said to u. all i can say is u b very careful in ur decisions, but i will strongly advice that u moving in with ur boyfriend is not the best and last option. you can live wit a relative (aunt or uncle) but not ur boyfriend. guys can b funny wen they start carrying responsibilities. so pls maintain the respest you already av for ursef and dont stay wit him. as for ur mum, continue to pray for her and also ask God to change her, but pls dont rush in to decisions. you can look for a small job and get little savings from it and then rent a place for ur sef. Ur mummy is doin all these bcos she still caters for u, u are now a liability for her. so pls look for a restaurant job or any u can find and earn money.
i wish u success in ur decision.
Best of Luck

i can relate alil bit but you have it harder than i do. you know how God said he wont give us something we cant handle. it means God knows u can handle this, ur source of joy is God thats fantastic keep praying for her one day God will change your story. i think it a bad idea to leave your mother’s place but i understand why you would think it better but you shouldnt i mean you have been coping since you were 6 a few more years wont hurt you just wait till you are done with school and have a job. yes she you dont think u can take it anymore but my dear you shouldnt especially when you dont have a strong source of income after a while this would affect your relationship with your boyfriend. Thats another thing am thankful to God for giving u someone hu love and understand you but my dear his human dont over depend on him because if anything happens, i.e if you guys ever break up i have a feeling you would break down completely. No one deserves to be treated this way but i strongly advice you stay home everytime she starts ranting just start thinking about everything that makes you happy although you are physically there but u really are not. i think your mom has issues of her own so she takes it out on you and you are the only that can help her.

I used to feel dat way wen I was younger. my mum was hardly around during my childhood. she worked outside the d country nd came only once a year to visit. wen she finally relocated to d country, she was like a stranger to me.it took me a very long time to adjust. I was very close to my dad and aunt. this drift between us made her treat and talk to me badly. we hardly saw eye 2 eye. I avoided her as much as I could. Bt at some point, I need her care, love and attention. my aunt noticed the rift too. she adviced me to have a heart 2 heart talk wit her. I did. and wit all sincerity. I even cried. it was den my mum opened up about her insecurities becos I ws closer to my dad nd my aunt. she felt she had lost out in my life nd dat I had replaced her wit my aunt. from dat day onward, I consciously made effort to draw close to her. Till date, I can happily say my mum has been my best friend.
Communication is often d key to such issues. Try talking to her. She probably thinks you dnt care and believes dat treating u badly is the only way to get ur attention. Never make her feel like she has to contest for ur love wit ur boyfriend. Believe me, she luvs u more dan u know it.

Whatever you do, dont move in with that boy. Its better you get a job and move in on your own. Also, stop telling him everything going on between you and your mum. One day he will use it against you. Finally, stop relying on him for emotional support or using the relationship as an outlet. You need to get your self esteem up and believe in yourself. One day, he may walk away and you will be left alone, bitter, feeling rejected and almost suicidal because this guy is all you have. Only God and you should be all you have till you have found your bone who will love you to the moon and back, and then share your life with you. You come from a broken home, be wise about the men you marry. Your mum is probably frustrated about her life circumstance and you are a reminder of your father, and that relationship. Reason why she treats you like that. She sees you as a symbol of regrets in her life. It is best you get a job and then move out on your own. If a man hasnt put a ring on it, dont move in. You will suffer the consequences.

I think u should move out n stay with a positive n supporting relative for now, so as to heal ur wound clear ur mind of her bad words. Becos moving in with ur boyfriend at dis stage wil only lead to a more complicated issue which may end dangeriously. Look for a Good n spirit full church or attend any self motivational program or self motivational books. This wil help u discover urself n also make u see life frm God perceptive. Belief In God n in ur self n d skye wil be ur starting point

Having a similar problem with my fiance’s mum now. I know it is not the same as mum but I am promising myself that I won’t go with him to his parents’ house ever again, and I know that’s not healthy. I told him there are three people in the relationship, she, me and him, since she pretty much makes all his major decisions for him and finds out everything about my life even before I have told my close friends.

hmmmm……this young lady just spoke on my behalf, mine was both from my parents , cos my parents are unpeacefully divorced even till date, my father would always cuss me out and call me a prostitute even when i was raped at the age of six to nine years by an uncle whom would come pick me after my father has beaten my mum to a state of coma and he would defile me and still report me to my mum that i was rude and she not asking for what happened would tie me up and beat and treat me like she wasnt my biological mother*now am trying to understand her cos she said she was taking out her anger on me from my father, though am still tryna forgive her as she has been begging me to but every time i remember what she and my father’s fight caused me, this hatred just oozes out of nowhere*. it did not only stop at just rape as i later developed lumps in my breast at the age of 14 and had to be operated on but my father would not pay for my surgery because he believed i was sleeping around at that young age…..thanks to the late surgeon who operated me when my mother raised only half of the money#not like i dint suffer words and hunger abuse from my mum after leaving the hospital#lotta things happened after then as the past 20 years of my life has not been interesting*it all started when i was 3yrs according to my mum* but i wont bore BN readers with my story @23 now the amount of hatred in me towards my parents is unimaginable but i hope one day am able to forgive them because even though am doing well my heart has refused to love anyone and in as much as i hate what they have made me become of my personal life i still want to love and be loved*i hope and pray i find it oneday*

omg…this made me so sad. First of all, BIG BIG hug…i am really sorry you had to go through all this in the hands of your parents, the ones who should be showering you with love and care… please, no matter how hard it is, try to forgive them for everything..especially your mother.Hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain .Don’t get bitter and allow it ruin your glorious future ahead of you, stay positive and always remember God loves you..Even if everyone else hurts you, He never ,ever will. Make him your best friend, father,brother even lover sef. i wish you all the best dear!

I’m so sorry that you have gone through all this…I have tears in my eyes as i write. I pray God will strengthen you and give you PEACE that passeth all understanding. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. I belive you shall have a wonderful testimony at the end of the day… *BIGHUG*

You are a strong woman and I commend you for not letting the acts of wicked people shape your destiny. I honestly do not have the words to type-up in consolation – words fail me!!! All I can do is say a prayer for you from the bottom of my heart. May the good Lord return every good thing (including boundless love, peace, joy & happiness) that was taken from you in a 100 fold. May you never know sorrow again in Jesus name. May the Lord give you the grace to bestow forgiveness upon those who have hurt you, and may you love yourself like no other. I don’t know you, but know that I cry for the pain you have been through. Forgive me, if you are not a christian, but prayer is all I know. From one sister to another, I send love and positive thoughts your way. You are blessed and it is well.

Is your grandmother still alive? Can you live with her or do you have any aunties you can stay with for a while because I think moving to a different environment for a while temporarily may do you both good. Have a talk with her and involve a trusted third party as the liaison and tell her exactly how she makes you feel and how her words hurt you it is obvious she is transferring her hatred for your father to you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say so maybe a little time away from her will be of some benefit to you both. Only move out permanently once you have job and can take care of yourself whether it is with your boyfriend or alone move out when you want to but only when you are earning an income.

Since you are 23 and old enough, I would advise moving out in a small place of your own not too far from family or cohabiting with a friend as this would give you and your mum some space to think over and would prove to your mother ,more importantly yourself, your own worth: an grown adult lady who can take care of herself. No matter how strong the rl with your guy is at the moment I strongly advice against moving in together you dn’t know what the future holds. It sounds like your validating yourself through your boyfriend’s love for you only which isn’t healthy at all. Besides you guys do not have stable incomes,you are young and adding the strain of cohabitation to all this could be destructive. You can think about taking this step a few years down the lane once you are both stable emotionally financially and your relationship has grown strong and healthy towards marriage.

Move out,hustle to find a job and slowly boost that self esteem by living loving and praying as they say. Once you are not in each other’s face try having honest heart to heart talks with your mum (with a relative on the sideline if possible). You guys have to let whatever’s bottling up and poisoning the rl out so that a better relationship comes out of it God willing.Here’s to hoping that seeing the positive changes in your life wn’t leave her undifferent. If it dsn’t work out despite all the genuine efforts you make,unfortunately you do not choose your parents. But never close the gate to reconciliation God works magic,good luck.

There are a lot of studies in anthropology surrending the myths of maternal love. People need to stop reinforcing the idea that every woman wants to be a mother and that every mother loves their child. It is simply not true. Surely, there are some women who just believe in tough love or don’t know how to communicate with their kids, but there are also bad mothers out there, and by telling people that they have to cope with abusive parents and persevere in investing hope and affectins in such parents is dangerous. The kid will eventually grow up to be very needy in term of the acceptance of others and insecure. You have to respect them for being older and family, but you should learn to accept that she is who she is and you will be you.

I agree with moving out!!! I had to get over some issues I had growing up, my siblings as well. My parents (both) always compared us to others always, yet we were the ones that ended up being what society will call good kids, graudated with honors and no getting preggo out of wedlock(my mum’s worst fear). And yes my mum told me once as a 13year old that i had seductive spirit ( I mean who says that to their kid?). I went to college and men was i glad, left them and never looked back. Today my relationship with my mum is way better infact we are close, but it took us all leaving the nest, and some prayers cos we all had a lot of anger and bitterness towards her and with time and God’s help I was able to forgive but it was not until then i sat with her and discussed what she did at that point anger and bitterness were gone. What i have learned was that she was doing her best that was all she knew based on her own upbringing, she did not know any better not that that makes it ok cos I hope not to repeat it with my kids but first if you have a job and can move out, move out, your relationship might not be all rosey and grand but it will most likely improve and the familiarity will be removed. Then work on yourself to get over the bitterness and anger that exists then you can consider talking to her i.e if she is reasonable. I know mine took years of praying. Best of luck

I have a friend who is somewhat in the same shoes as you. Her mum makes her miserable mehn. Calls her a prostitute…No man she ever brings is good enough (or maybe rich enough). She encourages her to enhance her physical beauty so as to attract a ‘rich guy’. She compares her with everybody comparable. Her mum will take her to different pastors for deliverance, and washing of head. she’d fast for days for reasons she that her not very clear to her. My friend became FAT and lost herself esteem. Because of the lack of love at home, she would always go outside to find the love she craved for in the arms of men!!! My friend has been with not less then 7 guys and has had about two abortions (according to her). When she told me all these, i burst into tears cuz she’s so extroverted…the sanguine type, you’d never believe it.
She’d calls me at midnight to cry and cry and tell me how her mum just left her room after calling her all sorts of names and ‘advising her’…of course, i couldn’t understand how deeply it hurt her, but i’m very damn sure it was tearing her apart. I mean, her mum is supposed to be her best friend and confidant (she’s the last child and her siblings are not in lag). I’d encourage her, give her some advice and we’d pray together. Thankfully, she recently got a job at Abuja, and she’s having have some peace of mind now. Before she left Lagos, she became very close to God, and learnt how to Ignore her mum and her wahala. She even grew the balls to tell her mum off gently.

Stories such as this are very sad and disheartening. This makes me appreciate my own mum very much. She’s the super-strict-nonsense-woman, and annoys me to the marrow, but i damn sure she loves me and my siblings to death and would give her life for any of us!!!

I wouldn’t say i understand what you are going through, but i know its not a good feeling. If you are old enough and have enough money, you should get your own place or move to a relative’s house…Grandma, aunty etc, so far as you can trust them and they’d be good to you. I personally don’t like the idea of moving in with your man. Its natural for you to want to move in with him ‘cuz (it seems) he’s the one supplying all the emotional needs that should come from your immediate family. But think about it again. Lastly, talk to you God, whether you are Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Eckankar or traditional worshiper, talk to the supreme being you believe in. I personally believe that when you get spiritual with some issues, there’s this cloud of comfort or peace that sets in your heart. It might not set everything right immediately, but you will breathe easier.

They say the voice of many is the voice of God. Dear friend and sister, please listen to the comments that have been left for you, I believe God is using them to tell you some wonderful things:

1. Your mother is bitter and is projecting that towards you. It has nothing to do with you, so please don’t feel responsible. Remember hurting people hurt others. She cannot love you as you would like, because she is full of anger and regrets. Try to ignore her, knowing she needs help herself.

2. You are more than what your mother and father think of and say about you. I am happy you mentioned that you know God. Please know that He loves you and cares about your joy. HE also approves of you and considers you special. You might have been the product of out-of-wedlock parents, a mistake; but before God you are special and a highly esteemed treasure. Before you were born, God knew you and approved of you. You could have died through a miscarriage but you didn’t. You could have died through a childhood illness but you didn’t. Everyday people die in our country through accidents, sicknesses, ritualists, etc but you are alive. Do you know what that means? You are here for a reason. Don’t believe the lies of your mother, believe what God says about you. Your best days are ahead of you, don’t sabotage them by being angry and full of hatred. This is what God says about you:

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end” – Jer 29:11

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” –Ps 139:14

3. Look to God to reward your years of pain and abuse. Your boyfriend cannot do that, only God can give you the inner strength to be brave and thrive in the face of such a challenging situation. Please resist the urge to move in with your boyfriend. Be healed first, know who you are, love yourself and get your self-esteem back first before trying to live with anyone. Don’t get married either to simply run away from your mom, your husband will also upset you. If you don’t learn how to deal with your mother’s issues without it affecting your self-esteem, you will also have problems when you have marital disputes.

I wish you well dear friend, some of us have encountered all sorts of parental abuse, but by God’s grace we came out stronger and smelling like roses, you can too dear. God is your strength, if He did it for us, He can also do it for you. Shalom.

My dear u r strengthened ok,pray4ur mum that she see’s&accepts u as her own with d l♡̷̴̬̩̃̊v̲̅є̲̣̥ of Christ.don’t ever move in with a man who hasn’t paid ur bride price nomatter how surpportive he is ok,Godbless u l♡̷̴̬̩̃̊v̲̅є̲̣̥ dear&always remember u are d best of ur type,Gods own special.

Your story almost reads like mine; a lot of similarities. I can only tell you how my story turned out. And let you make your decision. My mum n I were not on good terms I’d say since the day I could spell. She was harsh, embittered and always angry. I felt totally unloved and was constantly depressed/suicidal. Needless to say, I had a very poor esteem of myself. I had a boyfriend who seemed like the best thing in the world. My mum disliked and we fought constantly over the issue. Anyways, to cut the story, I became acquainted with a strong christian lady who introduced me to her fellowship which I started attending. They were so filled with love, peace and confidence, it was infectious. My confidence started rising to the annoyance of my boyfriend. We eventually broke up and now I am married with kids and a better relationship with my mum. My advice, find strong confident young women and get to know them as friends. If your boyfriend is for real, he will stick around. Even your mum will adjust when she sees your confidence. See, insecure men are attracted to insecure women but they can not stand a confident woman. Confidence is what you need. All the best.

when I first read few paragraphs, it was like u are saying my story and what came out of my mouth is welcome to my world. my mum would say some word sometimes that hurt me but I later learnt is from the heat she got from my dad. my own is my dad always finding fault in everything I say or do and telling my mum which he knows would hurt her but my mum is my backbone. I just want u to pls have thick skin and even though there are times I felt suicidal and he even once told me im suffering from mental illness cos I don’t talk to him and that’s cos he told my younger sis of 7 years that she has been living with a demon just because I had a scary nightmare which I told my mum and her telling him.
Pls just pray and the best way to revenge is SUCCESSFUL. I MAY NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND BUT I DO AND I HAVE A FRIEND WHO SHE AND HER MUM ALMOST KILLED EACH OTHER. IT WILL GET BETTER AND LISTEN TO MUSIC BECAUSE ITS THERAPEUTIC BUT SOUL AND GOSPEL AND THE ONE U CAN IDENTIFY WITH. IT IS WELL WITH U , JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND BELIEVE IN THE FUTURE GOD PROMISED U OK. IT IS WELL.

My heart goes out to you young lady. I pray the good Lord will give you reasons to smile in the midst of all the chaos.
First and foremost, you are what you answer to. And in this case I believe you’re a good girl. Please don’t let your mother’s frustration ruin the rest of your life. I believe she’s using you as her outlet. If you can find a supportive relative to live with, please do that. If not just hold on tight till you get a job and can support yourself and move out. Moving in with your bf would be a wrong move, you guys are way too young for that.
Please keep praying and try to talk to you mum. Get it out in the open, so that you have a clear conscience about it. Even if she flips out more, as long as she knows how you feel about the situation, its up to her to decide how to behave.
You can’t change anybody, but you can change you reaction. If she starts hurling insults at you, start rebuking it in the name of the Almighty. Trust me after a while she will realize that she needs to respect herself around you. As for your father, just let him be. People forget that the stone that was once rejected can become the corner stone overnight. Keep believing in yourself and trust that God will take you higher than your expectations

Rejection just the fruit the root is Fear. My dear Wisdom is needed in any challenges. May the Grace of God be with you. Be conscious of His Grace. It’s not easy, but pray for your enemies. Pray for healing for your Mum , your Dad and yourself.
Rejection doesn’t come after “un important” people. Take the life of Joseph. Rejection not handled properly they breed lots of cousins e.g bitterness.
The Cycle has ended In Jesus Name, THe Love and Miracle power feels you and over takes your emotions in Jesus Name.

I’v come to realize that the only job your parents have is to bring you into this world. Anything more is just a favor. You owe your allegiance to God first before any other human being especially those that do not care about you. She’s your mum, so you need to respect her but if her opinions are wrong and affecting you emotionally then i suggest you stay away from her and pray for her. But dont forget, you are alive not just because your mum brought you into this world but because ougu into this world through her to fulfill his purpose.

BN, you need to find a way to publish this even wider and circulate it beyond here. Might be an opportunity to reach mothers out there who have no idea how much pain they cause their daughters with their actions.

Am a mother. I think your mum, might be depressed,stressed out, feeling unloved. She might have unresolved issues that makes it hard for her to love anyone. This does not make it right for her to make you feel the way you do. Consider yourselves victims. For you , try and not take it personal, see your mother as mentally unstable. Learn to love who you are, from your letter I can tell that you are strong, resilient and will make a beautiful grounded African lady . Learn from your mothers mistakes , do not repeat the cycle. Be a winner. Most of all because you a different from your mum and therefore stronger, learn to forgive her. God bless you.

Sincerely,when i was reading this story,it seemed it was talking about me,was continually raped by her cousin when i was much younger and till date she accuses me that I was the one who ‘seduced’ him,I never find succour but burden when i tell her things because she would definitely use it against mealways comparing me with my friends,mates and others. Nothing I do ever pleases her because its always wrong,almost everyday she curses and swears, and treats me like she’s nt the one who gave birth to me.i knw I am the least favorite which she always rubs. in my face,if I could change my parents,I would, but my siblings have been very good,especially my bro. I’m just praying and waiting for that job and man that would take me faraway from her very soon. Almost everyday,i wake up with tears asking my God to remember me soonest,even though it seems bleak snow.But through all this torments, God has been faithful and I know he would give me many reasons to smile soonest. One promise I made is that I would be my kids best friend and never treat them likewise.

I can relate with you to an extent. I grew up with an aunt and uncle who were like that. Aunty would beat me up in public and even attempted tearing my cloths just to embarrass me on the street. you can imagine the shame when she sends me on an errand later and the guys on the street would see me and laugh. she never saw anything good in me. When i passed exams, including waec, all uncle could and say is : ‘am sure she cheated, lets see what she would do in the next exam’. this was a driving force for me because I promised myself I would be the best I could, and I did. Don’t move in with the guy. what happens if you break up? it would be a case of ‘i told you so’. Just continue to do your best, pray and once in a while, find the courage to have a have a talk and plead with her. Be polite and bare your heart. she might ignore your plea but when she’s alone, she would think of it. she might be doing this because your dad hurt her. At the same time, expect the worst. let nothing surprise you anymore. If people could die from insults, I would be long gone and buried. Also, if your bf comes to your house too often, you both should think of reducing the visits. the less of him she sees, the less she’l complain about your choice. Above all, keep praying.

i understand,u way more dan u think…my story is exacly same except for the fact that i learnt how to not tell her anything about me else i heard the whole neighvourgood hears it. so i kept my bf to myself….as he was my only source of hapines aside God. Now for the advice..the best thing for you to do is forget she exist….dnt tell her anything bout urself, try as much as possible to be the best you can. i bet you when u start making it big she will come begging. nd of cos dnt cry youself out everynite like i did…God loves you

yea…i just read this comment…pls dnt try to talk to her..or you get on her nerves d more…talking from xperience…jus try nd stay away frm her…dnt b enemies tho.. but give her a lot of space. she wil only appreciate and calm down when u av made it in life

I hate my mother with passion!!! And no matter how much causes I get from this comment I just made, it can be worst than the ones she says 2 mi each and everyday…am literally norm 2 d physical and emotional abuse at this point

Wow i actually felt like my best friend wrote this on my behalf . its very sad , i truly believe not everyone has to be parents. my story is similar. In my case i am now successful, married with beautiful children but nothing has changed. she talks soo badly about me to her friends and my friends, i don’t think it will ever end , people saying “just talk to her ” LOL its not that easy , i have talked and talked and cried and called my aunties and uncles. She doesn’t listen to anyone instead gets upset at them .
I have thought of suicide soo many times but my husband and children keep me going, i will never do that though the thought just crosses my mind as the solution that will finally make her happy. I wasn’t really called a prostitute though i was called a demon and all sorts.
I’m sorry but i didnt ask to be brought into this world , i didnt ask my father to leave you. Mothers are to give unconditional love. I can’t pay you back the school fees and cereal, i wish i could. It breaks my heart when i see my friends and their mothers . I have resolved to receiving and giving that love to my children.
Please dont move in with your boyfriend, HA i remember wanting to do so with my boyfriend then ( my husband now) and she called some elder to talk to me and painted a picture of a wayward child not knowing all i wanted was a outlet to have peace and build myself and leave her. Anyway my dear please try and be successful that is the only way, use that resentment to fuel your success. I really feel better reading the comments as i know i’m not alone, everyone i know has loving parents . Those of you that do you don’t know how lucky you are.

Big psychology project for you. You will overcome. First you MUST move out, come on! And take care of yourself first, forget your mum. Don’t get sentimental about it, as far as what you want in a mother you don’t have one so just cut off.
When you’ve got to the point where you’ve stopped hating her then you can think about reaching out. By the grace of God, she’ll live long enough for you to come around and for her to meet you halfway.
I’m making it seem easy, it’s not. You will want a fabulous psychologist to help you with the steps. But first thing to do with abuse is get out from under the abuse.

My dear sister. I read through all the comments and i couldn’t have said more or less. My prayer is for you to find the love and happiness that you deserve to get in this life.. I pray you make the best decisions and become happy eventually. As you can see, you are not alone in a case like this..but in the end you will rise above it all. Perseverance is key!

when i was a teenager i had the same issues with my mother. i used to tell friends i hated her and she said some terrible things to me and was not sweet i.e i love you kiniko kiniko. fast forward years later as a married woman, my mother is one of my greatest confidants. moving out of home made me appreciate her and understand why she did some of the things she did. was she wrong at time. i still think so, she could have handled somethings alot more better i guess but its all in the past. thats why i am here to learn from her mistakes and be a better mother myself…
all the best to you dear, i hope this passes away rather quickly

My biggest advise to you my dear is this: DO NOT GET PREGNANT while you are getting some love in the arms of your boy friend. Trust me when I tell you that things will get BETTER. I can relate with your story 100 percent. On my part I choose to be a stronger person, This made me VERY VERY VERY INDEPENDENT, I WROTE MY OWN HISTORY, DEFINED MY OWN RULES AND KEPT THE FAITH. today I do have a great relationship with my MUM, and she has a very high level of respect for me cos I held my own. DO NOT LIVE WITH A MAN that is not your husband, Its a big gamble, and you will get hurt if things dont turn out well. ONLY GOD loves us unconditionally.

IF your MUM still pays your fees, and gives you a roof, do your best to respect her and be sure to focus on the things that matter, eg, academics, any business you love, . start small, save all you can, identify other mentors, spend time volunteering for others, k=join a church group, and be in an area of PEACE. make sure you CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT. In a couple of say 3 to 5 years, you will get married and be your own boss. (GOD WILLING). RIGHT NOW IM SO LOVING MY OWN CHILD, GIVING HER ALL THE BEST THAT I CAN WITH SO MUCH LOVE, ALL THE BEST DEAR

Hey Girl, I know what you feel. I have a similar experience with my mum. She never sees anything good in me. And is quick to hear any issue i have with other people to take their side against me. She uses demeaning language like devil, gossip, ‘jail bird’ whatever that means in her own mind to describe me. I have tried to deal with it for a long time. Until recently when she woke me up and reigned curses on me and my children for a reason i know not till this day. To safe guard my own sanity, i have decided to cut her off and focus on my children. I do not take her calls any more, because i am not sure what will come from her will not hurt me. I can feel you, i am able to deal with it because i am married. Focus on your education make a succcess of it and move out of our clutch you will be fine. Focus on God it will be fine.

I am overwhelmed reading this! Have always viewed Nigerian parents harsh and needlessly violent. You only need to see the number of people who attend FX courses, interior decorating, gele and makeup seminars. How many people attend parenting classes? We need assistance regarding parenting as the challenges these days are numerous but few are addressing their skills or lack of.

Wow! This reads like exactly my story. When I was in JS 3, my mother accused me of sleeping with my father. Why? She was quarreling with my father and my father did not tell her he was on leave. I also believe she has undiagnosed personality disorder or some sort of mental illness because every woman that dared greet my father was labeled his girlfriend and banned from the house. She even accused all her sisters of sleeping with my dad. Anyway. that summer holiday period, my father was on leave and did not tell my mom because they had been keeping malice for about a month. He would drop her off at work and return to the house quietly. One day, she forgot her food at home and returned around 10AM. I was in my room as usually building my paper ships that my dad used to buy for me. All of a sudden I heard her screaming. She started screaming that why has he now decided to rape me? I came down the stairs and she started yelling at me, calling me a prostitute and asking me why I was sleeping with my father. I will never forget that day. I was 11 when this happened. I am now 42 years old. The memory is razor sharp. When I remember things like this, I have a profound dislike for my mother. I went straight to her sister who lived in our boysquarters, crying my heart out, wanting to die of embarrassment. I was a self righteous person. Iprided myself on not being into what other girls my age were getting into. Then it did not matter because my mother was just deranged when it came to my father. My heart fell in a thousand pieces that day. Oh but it did not end there. About 2 years later, she called me to her room. I went there and she opened her bible and started asking me why I was playing with my male cousin who lived with us all his life and went to the same schools as us. I told her in my innocence that I we were playing squares as usual but using the floor tiles. She showed me the page in the Ancient and MOdern Hymnal that lists who people should not sleep with and started telling me that I was not supposed to sleep with my cousin. Yet another incident. I thought that was all. But about 2 weeks later we all took a drive to the village and there was a women’s meeting in my grandfather’s reception. I sneaked in to listen because voices were raised. I heard my mother confronting my aunt – the mother of my cousin and telling her that her son was a rapist and that he was raping me and that was why she was sending him back to the village. I died! I died of shame. I had never had sex before. I did not want anyone wrongly accused on my behalf. It was unfair by God to me and my cousin. I started crying. The women asked me in and one of them asked them to ask me because she knew my mother was a liar. One of my mom’s younger sisters intervened and told them that they did not need to drag me into this. Long story short, I lost one of my favorite cousins that day. THe rumor in some parts of the family is that I must have told my mom something. My cousin never even said a single bad word to me. I lost my virginity in my early twenties. I was not raped, it was not with another person’s husband or boyfriend. I have never had those values. My mother is simply depraved. She used to kneel and curse me with her breasts. She used to tell me that God will punish me through my children. I HATED my mother as a kid. REally despised her. I DESPISED, REALLY DESPISED my mother. Only God’s love for me, which I must transfer to all, and his commandment to unconditionally honor our parents keeps me from shutting the books on her permanently. I have more stories. I feel your pain. You are not alone!!!!

this made me tear up…
*sigh* the fact that it happened years ago and you still remember it at 42??In all honesty if this happened to me, It would be very difficult to let it go…so sorry to hear about all these but on second thought maybe she could have been mentally unstable (no offense intended)..In this Satan’s world, many are mad and very few are roaming. In Nigeria especially we underestimate things like that and assume that only ppl on the streets are deranged

In fact, the most annoying thing now is that she DEMANDS that I take care of her. She wants me to put her on a salary from my salary. Mind you, I am a civil servant. She does not want bread and water. She wants Michael KOrs bags. I have asked her “DO you see me with one”? But she says that she has suffered for me. IN what way? By cursing me and subjecting me to mental abuse? I HATE MY MOM. I am sorry, I have to get off so that I don’t start remembering all the bad things. It is not just worth it and I don’t want to miss my blessings. ……..

Same here, gosh the stories i could give , i haven’t stopped hearing about how she suffered for me, the funny thing is that most people in the nigerian community cant understand how and why a child would despise their mother because mothers are always right. one day one day the true story will come out. See me almost 30 still having mommy issues how annoying .

reading all these comments for some reason really hurt my feelings…It’s really disheartening to know that the one person you should go back to when the whole world is against u would do something like this. Well, i must say that sometimes these parents do not know the effect their words are having…Most if not every Nigerian parent does the comparison thing and u know what I tell anyone who compares me to anyone?I say “that’s them; I am me” as much as my parents have done so much for me, I am very thankful that my parents do not treat me in this way; far from it.

I would say though that you at least bring it to her attention how those words and her actions are making you feel. On second thought, I just may forgive this kind of mother for I would think she is mentally unstable. No mother in their right state of mind would open their mouth and say such words to their child. Her actions are even making you take comfort in a guy and may probably push you to do other things *sigh* I wish I had you as my sister. It really hurts me to know that you’re hurting so bad over nobody else but your own mother..
Hustle hard, work hard, get a good job, support yourself and try to forgive your mum as difficult as it may seem in her older years if she needs help and support, pls offer it to her if not for anyone’s sake but for the fact that it is your God given responsibility

I cried a little….only you know where it hurts the most.People may have similarities but each of us have peculiar stories.i pray for you today in the name of Jesus that God will heal your wounds,bind ur broken heart and restore you to full joy.Whatever you do,try not resent her.Loving the unlovable is hard,easier said than done,but doable.love conquers all…it may take a while,but it does.God bless you sweetheart.T.coco

To all the women and men that have posted on here about their terrible relationships with their parents, please I implore you find your succour in God.

Go to him and POUR out your heart to Him, do not hold anything back…He is God he can take it. Keep pouring it out to Him until he has restored your heart. Please remember the following verses from our the Good Book:

1. All things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26). God CAN and WILL give you peace that transcends all understanding to guard your heart and you mind (Phil 4:7)
2. If when you pray you wonder why it is that God has let this terrible thing happen to you. Why other women have lovely mothers but you struggle with yours in this manner, please remember that in Hebrew 12:4 we are reminded that God lets bad things happen to us so that we may grow in Character (Romans 5: 3-7). He disciplines us as a father.
In these moments, also recall what Joseph said to his brothers when they came and found him in Egypt:
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
My dear God sees, God knows and God loves you! So run to Him and he will colour your life with joy.
I have not gone through your pain, but I have had my own fair share of pain in this life and every time I have run to God, I have ALWAYS found solace.

I really am appalled at most of the advices I’m reading here. A girl’s mother is taking out the frustration of the mistakes she’s made with her estranged husband on an innocent child that didn’t beg to be brought into this misery, and all some people come here to say is forgive her, pray for her, apologise up and down, blah blah blah. What rubbish!!!!. Because of the psycho woman’s attitude, the girl clearly now has low self esteem, walking on egg shells around her own mother. One of the many things probably irritating the mum about the girl. I’m not saying the girl is a saint and doesn’t do any wrong, but when will society realise the damaging effect of such upbringing. The mother clearly has issues she should deal with. And just because we’re in Africa, where older people feel they can get away with anything they do to younger persons in the name of respect, so we should bear it and grow up in pain, and misery? Those of you who were treated in a similar way but had the courage to turn it into a positive outcome, have you thought about how many percent that is? Majority of the people who grow up in such hateful and toxic environment didn’t turn out as nice as you. Many turned out to be thugs, prostitutes and what not. Please, this woman needs to STOP battering this girl psychologically and otherwise.

Dear writer,
Put yourself together and determine that your mum’s attitude won’t make you miserable. It’s difficult to ignore all her negativity. If you can,, leave that house. I got my escape through Nysc. Try your hand on anything honourable to earn wages to meet your basic needs. Be self motivated. Don’t depend solely on that boyfriend. If you can’t leave the house immediately, find something productive like volunteering in an NGO, or learn a skill. That way, you’ll be developing yourself for something better. It will take some time and a lot of hard work and determination be totally free from all this damage, But you’ll get there.

Fecking hells! lool( I am not laughing because this is funny, but laughter is always my initial reaction to ALL news) Your mom uses everything you tell her against you? I can imagine almost all mothers do that (My mom does too). You do not have a particularly close relationship with me because you grew up with your nan. That’s understandable as well. I grew up with my nan and only started living with my mom when i turned 10. It took us a while to get our relationship on track, but we have a sort of accord now.
Hmm, hate is a strong word. No, I do not rate your mother all. But hatred makes you tired. I think you should move out of your house yes, and if you were anywhere but Nigeria that would be easier for you. I do not think you should move with your bf. I do not think you should allow yourself be a victim in your own home. For now, try to get a job, start saving and whenn next your mother says something wrong about you, calmly correct her. It took me a while, but mine and my mother’s relationship changed when I became more independent and started correcting her.. See, my mom likes to employ guilt trips (again, I will imagine all mothers do) I tell her I do not like it and ignore her and when I think she has said something really unfair about me, then I will let her know without mincing words. I have reached that stage in my life that I do not let these injustices against me go.

The point is, you are only human. She starts to embarrass you in public, leave the vicinity. Learn the act of talking back and defending yourself without being rude (I say this so she doesnt kick you out.. I am aware that you are in Naija, and for now, you need that roof. for now only)
When you have enough money, move in with a friend, or another relative (?) You are 23, and whilst your mom will not win the mother of the year award, if you let yourself hate her, moving forward will not be easy, and forgiveness in the future will be even harder. START STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF NOW. That bf issue, ignore it, you like who you like.. I do not think it is a good idea to move in with your bf (better the devil you know). Try, actually try to build a relationship with your mother. She already believes you hate her. Your actions no too pure then? No? LOOL. I joke. Maybe call her down and sit her down, and just talk. That helps too. It will not be easy, but trust me you can try.
I am trying to be practical here considering everything. If you do not live in Naija and can get help with accommodation elsewhere, by all means pimping, leave home and start a new life, get a job, be more independent (if you are not already) . Reach out to your mother occasionally, and if the reaction is the same , again, you tried!