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Sunday, March 31, 2013

DH is the total package. One thing that has become clear over the last couple of weeks is no one wants to seen as replaceable. If I am only smart then I can be replaced with another smart person. If I am just pretty, there is always another pretty face. If I am the total package, if am I everything that is needed then I am much harder if not impossible to replace.

So DH is the total package. He is irreplaceable to me. There is no one else in this world who can be to me what he is to me. I could find another husband but they would live under DH's shadow. I could try but I would never succeed in finding a replacement. DH is the total package.

I know that that was part of my struggle. When I felt that I was only smart when that was seemingly taken away or tossed aside, I suddenly felt replaceable. I think Archnemesis was right, the important mission of the Hidden Village is to make sure each member knows he/she matters. We are not replaceable. At any giving job, task, relationship, we are or can be replaced. In the Village, no one else can be me. There is only one Martha, aka Wheatless Mama, and I matter.

So I am the total package and DH is my total package. Someday someone will find that Ravebaby is his/her total package. Even if that day never comes, she matters. You who ever you are you matter. If I know you, if we have never met, if all you have ever done is accidentally come across my blog, you matter. Our paths crossed and we are both a little different because of it. DH says each and every interaction marks us and makes a little different if we let it. I know I have strayed from my point, as usual, but the end point is you matter.

Friday, March 29, 2013

I am a strong believer in being open with DH about any interactions I have with any man. He has all of my passwords, open access to my Facebook, twitter, and texts on my phone. Why? Well I was raised that my husband should be the only man with whom I have any level of intimacy. If I have a friendship with a man outside of DH and there is any part that is not completely open then I am fostering a relationship outside of my marriage and that makes me a cheater. DH should be my sole source of male companionship.

I have had guy friends outside of DH but they have never been anything that meant being allow with the dude or private conversations. The only exception to that is The Groom. We were really good friends. We rode to conferences together just the two of us and even hung out at my house without DH there. To some extent The Groom was more of a big brother. The night I was alone with The Groom at my house, DH had basically asked him to hang out with me while he went to fight for a Wii. DH trusted The Groom to keep me safe at a Hootie and the Blowfish concert. I did and do see The Groom as a big brother. However, we never talk on the phone, text or anything like that.

An incident that DH always brings up is the time Discgolfer sat with me at church. I was at the Sunday Spanish mass and Discgolfer did not speak much Spanish and just wanted to have someone to sit with so he came and sat with me. Well I am Mexican. This was a mass full of Mexicans. DH rarely goes to church with me so if a man were to sit with me at mass, the view is he must be my husband, right? Well I came home and told DH about the whole thing and about how it weirded me out and now everyone was going to think Discgolfer was my husband or that I was at church with my lover. Any number of things were just wrong with the whole thing. DH said I was nuts. He is a friend that did not want to sit by himself so he sat with me; end of story.

So you see the crazy 50s idea that I have. Even now Rockerwife and I talk it over all the time, we don't have relationships with men outside of our husbands. It just feels wrong. If we communicate with a man not our husband we immediately go and tell our husbands. We are overly open with any aspect of a relationship outside of our husbands. So I know it is not just me.

DH is calling bullshit and is forcing me out of this mode of thinking. I am under orders to text Archnemesis once a day. One because apparently Archnemesis thinks I hate him and two DH wants me to see that there is nothing wrong with a friendship with a man outside of my husband and that a relationship with a bit of emotional intimacy is actually a good thing. Honestly I am not buying it. I will send the texts since DH is asking me. I don't really understand what I can gain from a friendship with a man that I don't already have with say Rockerwife or Cameragirl?

We've all seen When Harry met Sally. Men and women cannot be friends without eventually having sex, right? My best guy friend was DH, I married him and we have lots of sex. Am I asking for trouble here? DH knows that I purposefully keep male friends at arms length but I go back to Harry and Sally. If I am sharing everything with this person, am I leaving it open to sharing EVERYTHING? I guess the really test is if I start to keep texts secret or have meeting with said man outside of DH's knowledge. I am not the sort of person who goes looking for trouble and while I understand DH's point, making connections is never a bad thing, I can't help but to slip back into the thought that men and women can not be friends without something sexual between them.

I will say that in DH's wisdom, I have been assigned to try this with Archnemesis, who is married to a lady that is fantastic. I mean if you read the blog about my "sexual fantasy" with him, you can tell there is zero chemistry there. So you can't go heating up an ice block and expect a fire. I mean he could have assigned me someone single and therefore open to moving into the realm of sexual. We'll see how is goes.

DH is a firm believer that all connections matter so he wants me to have connections with everyone. In his mind, I am sure, if I keep certain people at bay then I am closing myself off from everyone. If I am closed off to friendships with guys then maybe I am also closed off in part to him. If I am to be open then I need to be open. Yet for some reason, this brings to mind and image of Billy Crystal in bed with Meg Ryan. How open can we be with the opposite sex? If you are hurting and I know that sex would make you feel better, if only for a moment, would it make me a bad friend not to help? Recently on Nashville, we see exactly that. Oh no your brother is dead. You feel bad. I'll fuck you and you can forget and feel better if only for the moment you are inside of my vagina. She is being a good friend, right? I don't want to be that good a friend with anyone.

Maybe I am just a pervert. Maybe I am too old-fashion. Maybe I am just closed off. I don't want to be closed off. I want to be open but I am not sure I want to be emotionally available. I'll try it. I might like it. Maybe this will lead to a whole new level of relationship with DH. One thing I do know, it will make for great blogpost!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

So it is no secret that for the last few weeks is have been in a shame spiral of sorts, really it was a body image downward spiral. However, the last six days have been nothing but fighting and sex with DH. It has been really difficult but also really good for us. It had been a long time since we had connected so deeply both emotional and physically.

In all of the fighting and fucking, we got to the whole reason I started down the shoot of a downward spiral to begin with. What started it? I am starting a doctorate of educational leadership in June. The start of the issue was his lack of enthusiasm when I got accepted. He was sleeping and I woke him up to tell him. He said oh good and went back to sleep. No hug, no great job, no I never had a doubt. Nothing! This was at the beginning of the Hidden Village Music Festival and once he got up he was out the door to Standpipe, barely a kiss for me and no mention of the doctorate. So why does it matter? He is suppose to be my cheerleader. If he doesn't care, if he is not there to share the success then . . .

I am not saying it makes much sense but since that time I lost all enthusiasm myself about the whole thing. I mean it is not like I get accepted to doctorate programs everyday but it as I'd I had been accepted to high school, just a feeling of oh well that wasn't hard so why do you want a congratulations. I mean this is really the first time I've blogged about the fact that I am going to earn a doctorate!

If you don't know DH, he is amazing. I have always been in awe of his magnetism. I am not magnetic. DH just has an aura that people are drawn to and that is part of what lead to my particular downward spiral about my attractiveness. Women have always thrown themselves at him. I have literally had to push bitches back. But I don't have that come flirt with me aura. I have personality and it only comes out if I know you, otherwise I am pretty shy.

For me I know I am a hard worker. I know I am smart. I know I am strong. When DH didn't make a big deal about the doctorate, which in my opinion is a strong showing of all those things I see in myself, it made me question what do I have to offer. If I'm not that smart or hardworking, if they just take anyone that applies then I am in fact not special. I know I am not the hottest woman in most rooms. In my mind that made me feel like I just plain old don't have anything going for me. If I am nothing then why is DH even with me? Did start dating me because he lost a bet? Is he with me out of pity? See nothing logical in this thinking. Just sharing the internal crazy dialog. It was a cascade of thinking.

DH downplayed my acceptance to the doctorate program. Then I started to notice that people don't really compliment me or flirt with me so then i felt ugly. Here is the problem feeling ugly is comfortable for me. I know this feeling. It is easy for me. I can get pruney in the pool of ugly. I know how to downplay me. I know where all of the body issues are. Once I go there, it can be too comfortable to leave.

Now I feel better. Now that I know how I slipped down then it was easy to climb out. (Good sex helps too.). I am not logical. I am a feeling person. I think the thing for me to remember is to talk it out. Feeling bad is comfortable so I can only get back to good by talking my way back. So I gotta talk more. There is my crazy on full display, go ahead judge and discuss. Me I got a doctorate to prepare for.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

So as I have gotten pruney in the pool of self-doubt, one of the things pulling me out has been Ben Caplan's Beautiful. Having had the chance to see him live during the Hidden Village Music Festival earlier this month, this has been on constant replay on my Spotify. He even dedicated it to me during his set! Thrill!

So here is Ben Caplan's Beautiful (it puts James Blunt to shame!)

I am not sure if it is the performance, the lyrics, or just the mood that makes me feel beautiful but this just does. It makes me smile and sit up a little straighter. I have more poise and feel like maybe my soul might be beautiful too. Anyways, it's great, right?!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

So I've been nothing but a total loser for the last few weeks. Per my usual self destructive self, I got into the Doctorate of Education program, which proves I'm smart, so I immediate went into a self-loathing of my body spiral. Why not? Surely the only I have is a brain so my body must suck.

I'm finding my way back. After a few pity posts and a couple of weeks of hiding from the track, my grand plan is to get off my ass. I know the running and working out makes me feel good about me. I feel strong and powerful. I feel like a sexy woman. I need to feel like a sexy woman. I am a sexy woman? Anyways, not quite out of the body-loathing yet but I'm better today than last week.

I don't think I am going to meet my half-mary by my birthday goal but I know that with a little work, I can run a half-mary this year. So I'm going for it. I might never get rid of this spare-tire around my waist but I know that I am working towards health. So I'm getting back to running. God-willing I'll have miles to report for next week.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

So the other while watching Phineas and Ferb with Ravebaby, yes we watch TV, I always said we were crunchyish but go ahead and judge. Anyways, Phineas and Ferb had a great song called My Nemesis. Of course being me, I went to YouTube found the link and posted it to Archnemesis's (do I need the extra s?) facebook wall. I liked the tune and the whole concept but failed to noticed the part of the song that talks about Perry the Platypus only wearing a hat and no clothes. Well he is a platypus so why would he wear clothes? So Archnemesis decided this was my way of hitting on him. I swear if I didn't know he was messing with me I would think he was the most narcissist man on earth instead of a good nemesis. So this little interaction of course leads to the following random thought and now blog post.

(Yes it involves sex so if you are easy to offend I suggest you run now.)

So how sex between Archnemesis and I would go like this:( Sitting in a room on two chairs across the room from each other.)Hi.Hi.(Stare some more. 20 minutes go by still sitting the the same places.)I guess one of us should do something.Like what?Get naked?No. I already feel dirty.Oh okay then I guess we're done. YepOkOkByeBye(Both leave from opposite ends of the room and immediately go shower to wash the grossness off.)

You expected something else, right? Nope, I am pretty sure this how it would go. I could be wrong but I highly doubt it.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

So this has nothing to do with dancing and everything to do with my crazy. You have been warned, read at your own risk, yep, I make very little sense.

Okay so the heart of the matter is a lack of self confidence. I don't think I am very attractive. I don't take complements well. I feel like an old fat ugly cow.

According to DH, I am simply nuts, unobservant, and my biggest problem, I am a woman. DH says that all women question whether or not they are attractive or sexy. I'm not sure what goes on in other women's heads, I just know mine and I spend a majority of the day thinking I look awful.

So like all good scientist, DH asked for my proof that I provided the following:

1. No one outside of DH complements me DH's Rebuttal- men are too afraid of him to even think of saying anything and I am scary with a mean disposition

2. No one jokingly talks about me DH's Rebuttal - people are afraid of me, when I joke I cut too deep, people are again afraid of him

3. I never catch anyone starring DH's Rebuttal - I just have no clue what to look for and people are afraid of DH, something about making eye contact with him and the threat of having their eyes removed

So I think the real problem is DH. J/K I love him with everything I have and if never get a complement from another person then I might keep questioning my sexy but I know that DH always sees it.

So exploring the crazy a bit more. Is my issue really a question of feeling like I am stuck with DH? I choose DH and I would chose him again. I mean marriage means making the decision every morning to stick it out and make it work. However, I must admit, hear me out, that I want to know that if tomorrow I decided to leave I would not end up alone. I don't want to pick DH by default.

Some of it comes with age too. We've been married 11 years. When we got married I know I was choosing DH over other guys. There were other dudes that had expressed interest but I wanted DH and truth be told DH was and is the best choice. He has said that I am not his default. There are other options and he chooses me, daily. I know there are plenty of women who would jump in my place. I mean without DH even looking twice, we've had women stalking him. Women are nuts, oh and stay the fuck off of my man!

But back to the point, feeling attractive is about knowing you have options. Lets be honest, I know DH wants me. I know DH would love to do me all day long everyday. I have no doubts that I was and am chosen from the cream of the crop. I want to know that I am doing the same thing. I want to know that I am choosing this and not just settling. Maybe that makes me a bitch or at my core a cheater or whatever you want to call me. I want to know that I am going home with my number one choice not with the only boy that asked.

I am not speaking for anyone but me. I just know that there are days that I feel like I am beautiful and that I am the most beautiful girl in the place and I am going home with the most handsome guy in the room. There are other days that I feel like the most handsome man in the room is pitying me and taking me home for the night. I never said I was sane. I am just putting it out there. Conclusion? I don't have one.

Monday, March 11, 2013

So this past Saturday I ran the Mamavation Virtual 5k. I had been taking a short break from running trying to give my hip a chance to heal. I was worried I won't be able to actually run the whole thing but I set out to run no matter how close to walking is seemed. Honestly there are times I think I could walk faster than I run but that is neither here nor there.

I was slow but I did get it done. I set out to pace at about 14 min for a mile and when I had finished I was at about 13:30 and my hip was not killing me! I still amazes me how much better I feel after a run.

I did notice that since my abs were hurting from my sultry (stripping) floor dance class that I had better running form. I have a bad habit of slouching once get tired but on Saturday my abs hurt worse if I had bad form so I ran with my head held high.

On Saturday I also received word from SFASU about my application to the Doctorate of Educational Leadership program. When I got the envelope I was sure the answer was no because the envelope was small. I was shaking when I opened it and luckily for me they did not beat around the bush, the first word was congratulations! So they accepted me. I have spent the weekend really think it over and have decided to go for it. I know I will have lots of work ahead of but I am looking forward to the challenge. I also know that now more than ever I need to have a good workout routine. Grad students tend to sit a lot which leads to butt spread and eating lots of fast food. I start in June so I have a few months to get into a regular running schedule. This story is to be continued . . .This post is sponsored by Mamavation – a community dedicated to obesity prevention & weight loss for women and I’m writing this to be entered into a giveaway

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

So every year the president of the US gives a State of the Union Address. In our house we do something similar only more frequently. There are times in each marriage that you need to check in with each other. I mean at times that you are not mad or on a happy we just fell back in love time. Just a neutral and honest conversation. About once a month, usually while watching TV, DH and I will have a state of the union talk. How are you? Where are we? Anything we need to work on? Anything I need to work on?

So what is the purpose of this? Well to be honest it just talk time. DH and I are talkers. We talk all of the time, to each other. Honestly there is no one else I would rather talk to than DH. Also it's good to see what the other one is thinking. We are not always in a happy patch, personally and therefore not in our marriage. We feel like only talking when things are at extreme ends, good or bad, makes it difficult to know where we really are with each other.

I mean when I am mad I bring up everything under the sun. Remember when back in high school I caught you talking to that bitch Heather, well . . . You can see that would go nowhere quick! Equally post awesome sex is not the right time either then it's all sunshine and happiness. Remember when Ravebaby was born and we were so happy and . . . Again not very productive.

I think these talks are so important to us because we have had some rough patches. About a year ago we were as close to calling it quits as we had ever been. To be honest I was about a week from grabbing Jailbait and just cheating to purposely blow up my marriage. When I am unhappy I have a mean self-destruct mode. It takes talking it out to bring me back from the edge. So instead of blowing up my marriage I blew up my career. Best decision I could have ever made! So much happier now and back in that I love my husband phase of life. How long will it last? Who really knows?

I mean we have to work at it and as the best piece of marriage advice I ever heard was just don't fall out of love at the same time. Forever is a long time. Yes other people will be attractive. Yes there will be times it would be easier to quit or to cheat but our vows said for better or worse. Luckily nothing last forever, so good times come and go but that is also true for the bad times. If it is bad now, just hold on and it will get better. Honestly, I have fallen out of love and back in love about 4 times in 11 years, not bad, I think. Each time I remember why I fell for DH in the first place. I love his humor, his ability to read people, his smile and yes his body. He is my Dear Husband (DH) and for better or worse he is suck with this bag of crazy.

So the state of this union is strong. The state of this union is moving forward. The state of this union prefectly wheatless :)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Since joining Mamavation, I have learn a lot about GMOs and why we should avoid them. I noticed about a year ago that Ravebaby's lips would break out when she would eat apples. I switched her organic apples and no more break outs. I'm not sure if it was the wax used or the lack of pesticides but either way I have made the switch and we are not going back. I also noticed that the San-J soy sauce we use has a GMO-free label. My guess it has always been there but I just noticed. It is just interesting actually looking more closely at labels and looking for something besides just wheat.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Just wanted everyone to know that there will be an expo in Houston in just a week! Glutenology Houston is having their second conference at the Humble Civic Center. Tickets are currently on sale for $20 (children under 12 free!) on their website and it promises to be a wonderful learning opportunity. There will also be tickets sold at the door for $20 each. They have a several speakers on tap plus a huge vendors hall. They have an awesome option to watch via the Internet too!

This conference is sponsored by Glutenology and Gluten Free Society.. So it will be different from the expo I attended in Dallas. Rather than the focus being on the vendor hall, there will actual speakers. I am most looking forward to the session with Dr. Russel Jaffe, who'll be talking about Hidden Allergies. As you know the wheat allergy is just the tip of the iceberg with DH.

Just like the last conference we attended, DH and I are looking forward to the sense of community. When DH was diagnosed 10 years ago, we could have never imaged conferences, expos, and communities dedicated to being wheatfree/glutenfree. We are really looking forward to going to an expo that is so close to home. Houston is about 90 minutes away from us so it will be nice to learn about resources closer to us.

Disclaimer: I will be attending as an official blog sponsor. I will receive free admission.