Rachael vs. Guy: Four Celebrities Compete

We begin with the end of the last episode, and a shot of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Finalists: LDP. Taylor. Coolio. Joey.

The producers decide we need to see more of the human side of the contestants, so we are treated to a scene in the apartment, where LDP and Taylor talk. TRUE FACT: Taylor Dayne is shocked – SHOCKED, I TELL YOU – that she is still here. Then, Coolio and Joey share a bonding moment, which consists of Coolio pretending to be a member of the housekeeping staff and both of them professing their brotherly love for the other, while affirming that their next dish would feature a large economy size can of Whoop A**.

The contestants then head down and meet in the kitchen, where a table for 12 10 has been set up. The assignment tonight: prepare a three-course dinner party for invited friends and family of Rachael and Guy. The celebs will go mano a mano, in a contest against their own team mates: for from each team, in the finale, There Can Be Only One. Each member from team will have to prepare a protein, a veg, and a starch.

Up first is Team Guy. During menu planning, Guy counsels Joey to go Italian (duh!) – while Coolio has more of an idea of what he wants to cook, to a large extent inspired by his mother (a picture of whom, along with a younger Coolio, is displayed on our teevee screens for our viewing pleasure).

Coolio‘s menu is: marinated fork steak (“so tender you can cut it with a fork”), garlic bread (w/mayo and two varieties of cheddar!), and a salad. Coolio burns himself (slightly). He fires the steaks on the grill (to add grill marks) at the LAST SECOND.

TRUE FACT: contestants always finish their dishes at the VERY LAST SECOND. Except when they don’t.

Once the cooking is done, they head to the “dining room” where Guy introduces his tasting panel, including his mom, as well as chef-friends.

Joey and Coolio introduce their dishes, then Joey carries Coolio out.

Joey’s linguine & clams, they like. Same with the veg (Guy’s mom loved them). The chicken: not so much. Flavorful, but dried out.

Coolio’s salad, they liked the dressing. The fork steak was tender (one person ate it with a spoon, meaning either that it was real tender – or Coolio pureed it into baby food). Guy’s mom thought the steak was dry. Coolio hit a home run with the cheesy garlic bread. Nothing else need be said about it. (I almost had a foodgasm just looking at the dish!)

Next: time for Team Rachael. She suggests that LDP prepare a lasagna using lamb, a saltimbocca, and some roast kale. She suggests Taylor prepare veal marsala, a polenta with sausage, and broccoli rabe. Both of them accede to her suggestions (though LDP has some reservations about cooking lamb).

Neither has experience with the “family style” of cooking that they will be doing today.

Taylor breaks out in song: “♫ I feeeeel… stressed.”

LDP heads out on a wine-hunting expedition through the pantry. Bottle breakage occurs. Taylor hopes it isn’t the marsala she is going to need.

We are treated to more “freaking” language from Taylor.

Rachael looks at the sauce for Taylor’s polenta, suggests that she start over. Taylor “freaks” out some more. While I understand her feelings, what she had in the pan didn’t look very appealing.

Next up, trouble in VeggieWorld. LDP has to make additional kale. Taylor’s broccoli rabe is declared “dead,” so she heads out looking for beefsteak tomatoes.

Now, it’s time for Rachael’s Friends to play the judge. LDP introduces his special”LOUsagna.”

They love Taylor’s polenta. The veal was deemed a little salty and tough. But, they loved her Caprese – even though Rachael noted it was probably a “backup plan.”

LDP – they loved the LOUsagna. They also liked the saltimbocca. But, some felt the kale was too bitter.

The cooking is done, the eating is done, the arguing amongst the judges is done. Guy announces that the decision was “thin – very thin.” (I think that means “close.”) Then, they announce that LDP won for Team Rachael, and Coolio won for Team Guy.

SHOCKA ZULU, Y’ALL.

Then – a TWIST! The “losers” have a “$5,000 Challenge.” It is Taylor vs. Joey in a special Blind Tasting – cook any dish, using any ingredient(s) in the pantry. The only limit: it must be completed in 20 minutes. Joey goes with fried rice. Taylor decides that, since Joey will go “Italian,” she will go “Jewish” – and so she prepares matzo ball soup. Lots o’ choppin’ is happening on both sides, as LDP and Coolio kibitz coach from the sidelines.

I’m guessing it won’t be too difficult to tell who cooked which dish – blind tasting or not.

And, as soon as Rachael and Guy walk in the room, I am proven correct – so there was no point in sending Joey and Taylor out of the room.

And so, after the Closest. Blind. Tasting. EVAH!, The winner is… JOEY FATONE! Which means $5,000 for the Fatone Family Foundation.