The Best and Worst Beatles Conspiracies (NSFW)

Conspiracy theories are my comfort food. After all, all a conspiracy is "the action of plotting or conspiring," and not just about tin-foil hats and Reptillians. When Reagan's cronies illegally sold weapons to Iran in the Iran-Contra Scandal, that was a conspiracy. When the CIA sold crack to kids in Mena, Arkansas, that was a conspiracy. When my mother guessed my brother was buying drugs from the neighbors, that was a conspiracy.

When it comes to music, conspiracy theories aren't in short number, but they are lacking in substance. That's probably because musicians have a lot less malicious intent than senators or the Illuminati. But there are some bands that attract conspiracy theories like you wouldn't believe, and The Beatles are at the top of the list. People really, really like writing and believing things about The Beatles (no matter how outlandish). So in honor of former singer Tony Sheridan (he sang with the group when they were called The Beat Brothers and weren't all that famous) who died on Saturday, February 16, I thought it would be fun to dive into the mythological canon and dig up some of the best and worst "Beatles Conspiracy Theories," including a few I made up, because why not?

FOR THE RECORD: Some theories carry more weight than others: For the record, JFK was not shot by Oswald alone, the moon landing was not faked, Pearl Harbor was an inside job and 9/11 is still a "maybe." For the most part, a good conspiracy theory is mostly just a lot of fun. Because somewhere out there, secret meetings are taking place to make very bad, very public things happen.

Somehow, that makes my life seem insignificant and I probably won't have to worry that much about my little problems, like rent and getting my car to run and maybe they are all out to get me, but who gives a fuck, because if they do get me they can't take my spirit, right? And now, on to The Fab Four.

Paul Is Dead

Ah, the most famous Beatles conspiracy of all, except for maybe the incorrect conviction they're better than The Rolling Stones (more on that later). The "clues" considered here mostly center around the mumbled words at the end of "Strawberry Fields Forever" -- are they "I buried Paul" or "cranberry sauce?" When you play "A Day In The Life" backwards, you can hear, "Paul is dead, miss him, miss him." Then, there's the cover of Abbey Road, which looks like a funeral procession: John is the priest, Ringo is the undertaker, barefoot Paul is the dead and George is the gravedigger. The plot thickens!

OK, right off the bat, this is fucking stupid. If The Beatles did have something this massive to hide, why would they playfully put clues in their lyrics? They weren't that stoned. You can hear lots of messages when you play music backwards -- and it all sounds like drowning a Furby doll in a dishwasher.

Paul is alive. The proof is that whenever a musician dies (see also: John Lennon, Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain) those in the shadows make a lot of money trumping up his death, printing memorial magazines, reissuing shitty "lost" recordings, etc. There's a conspiracy theory for you: Who's making money protecting the legacy of these rockstars? Yeah, let that keep you up at night.

Actually, All The Beatles Were Replaced (Except Paul)

Fuck it, ALL the Beatles died and were replaced. There's just as much evidence for this theory as the last one, apparently. The suggested timeline for this one is, Ringo died and was replaced in 1963, George died and was replaced in 1964, John followed in 1965, and Ringo's replacement also died and was re-replaced. Crazy!

My question is: Why didn't they keep replacing the blokes ad nauseum? Wait, what if they have? What if the current incarnation of Paul McCartney is actually number 23 or something? That explains it! Kurt Cobain didn't die! He became the newest Paul McCartney and that's how he formed Sirvana! Mind = blown.

Actually, Paul Is The Antichrist

I swear I read a website that said Paul was the Antichrist, but that was many years ago, so I think I was confusing it with Prince Williams or Prince Charles. Anyway, this is totally true. But first of all, there isn't just some penultimate anti-Christ. According to most interpretations of the New Testament, it's basically anyone that denies Jesus came to Earth to save all us fuckups from our fuckups. Well, all of the Fab Four did a pretty good job of denying Jesus, so maybe they're all the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In 1964, the band's press officer Derek Taylor said the Beatles were "Completely anti-Christ. I mean, I am anti-Christ as well, but they're so anti-Christ they shock me, which isn't an easy thing."

Plus, Paul did write "Helter Skelter," which is largely blamed for the Manson Family murders. After all, Charles Manson himself said in 1970, "If you don't see the confusion coming down fast, you can call it what you wish. It's not my conspiracy. It is not my music. I hear what it relates. It says, 'Rise!' It says 'Kill!' Why blame it on me? I didn't write the music. I am not the person who projected it into your social consciousness."

That's enough evidence for me. Paul will bring about Armageddon. Cool. I just hope he doesn't do it during the Rolling Stones 900th reunion tour.

Quit blaming Yoko for everything, you guys.

Yoko Ono Broke Up The Beatles

Yeah, maybe Ono hypnotized Lennon into thinking her artistic input was needed in the studio. Maybe that created resentment between the rest of the band. But did she break up The Beatles? No.

Paul McCartney, ahem, His Satanic Majesty, exonerated Lennon's widow last year. Took him long enough, right? But those rumors gave Ono way too much power. In fact, this is pretty much all she was good at.

John Lennon Was A Nice Dude

This jerk, who co-wrote some of the best love songs in history, wasn't so great at living up to his reputation. "Getting Better" was an auto-biographical account of his wife-beating. In his own words, Lennon said: "I used to be cruel to my woman, and physically--any woman. I was a hitter. I couldn't express myself and I hit. I fought men and I hit women. That is why I am always on about peace."

When he wasn't slapping his girlfriends around, he was sleeping around. While Cynthia Lennon was vacationing in Greece, he invited Yoko Ono over and the two recorded Unfinished Music No. 1: Two Virgins, which featured neither music nor virgins, but simply more of Yoko Ono's horrible screeching noises.

Lennon said they then "made love at dawn." Ick. Anyone who's ever gone through a divorce or a breakup can attest this is not a civilized way to be told "it's over." Lennon basically waggled his penis on an album cover, that was sold in millions of record stores, and said, "Here's my new naked girlfriend. How do you like that?"

Furthermore, Lennon didn't even remain faithful to Ono. Then again, this was kinda her fault. In 1973, Ono and Lennon were growing bored of each other, so Ono pushed his assistant May Pang on him, encouraging them to get down and dirty in what became known as their "Lost Weekend." Meanwhile, Lennon tried recording with Phil Spector, but ended up getting drunk most of the time instead. Ol' Phil, himself not a role model, was firing guns in the studio, got into a car accident and disappeared with the session tapes. Lennon was more busy attaching Kotex pads to his forehead and fighting waitresses. To her credit, Pang helped mend her employer's relationships with his estranged son Julian Lennon, Ringo Starr, and Paul McCartney, among others.

Later, Pang and Lennon would move into together, adopt some cats and claim to see some UFOs. Oh, I guess she helped Lennon with some recording, too. But it's not like Lennon stopped being violent -- while drinking with Pang and Harry Nilsson, Lennon misunderstood his mistress and tried to strangle her. Later, Lennon would go to see Ono again and came back from a dentist appointment in a confused, drugged state, which convinced Pang that he had been brainwashed.

This is possibly the weirdest affair in history. But it doesn't make Lennon out to be a very decent dude, that's for sure. I wouldn't be putting him on buttons advocating world peace any more than I would Charlie Sheen.

Beatlemania Was A Unique Fad

Folks talk about the Beatles craze like it was the first time in history anyone ever went apeshit over music. Maybe they haven't heard of Liszt Fever, which was a nasty bout of intense swooning and obsessive fandom directed at Romantic composer Franz Liszt. Yeah, imagine the dude who wrote this being treated like Justin Bieber today.

Liszt Fever was so bizarre that once, when Liszt tossed a cigar butt in the street, a lovestruck groupie "reverently picked the offensive weed out of the gutter, had it encased in a locket and surrounded with the monogram "F.L." in diamonds, and went about her courtly duties unaware of the sickly odour it gave forth." What the fuck.

Back in those days, however, the word "mania" was not taken lightly. Medical officials thought "Lisztomania" was a genuine disease as contagious as syphilis and critics, apparently fearful for their sanity, made attempts to immunize the public.

What did The Beatles do again? Oh, they made a bunch of teenage females scream in high-pitched voices? Yeah, so did the Spice Girls. Get back to me when a band has all its listeners castrated as a public health concern.

The Beatles Are Better Than The Rolling Stones

Lies. There's a reason the Stones are still together and The Beatles are not (and not just because of members dying). There's a reason why "Let It Bleed" is a better song than "Let It Be." There's a reason why fans of The Beatles have to create bullshit stories to make them seem more mysterious -- the mystery of The Rolling Stones is genuine.

Ha ha, just kidding! Even though I sorta believe that, I'd much rather focus on more intelligent banter. The good thing is we live in a world that has BOTH the Stones and the Beatles. That's enough for me. As for these conspiracy theories, well, they add a little to the mythology of rock n' roll, but not a whole lot. I guess this generation will have to do a better job with the "Dubstep Mythos" in a few years. Gag.