I woke up today, and made the mistake of checking my social media pages. There is was.. another murder. Sometimes when I look its only one or two deaths, but most days its dozens. I ask myself why, every day. Why do you feel the need to take someone’s life along with your own? I understand we could never know what is going through your mind, or the way you are feeling, but what I do understand is that life hurts. We all have hurt. We all feel, we are all a little unstable at times; but, we don’t all come unhinged in that sense. We don’t all commit selfish acts that categorize us in a column of evil, and we don’t all drag others down with us.

We find ways to cope with the pain of life, and ways to make things feel better. Just because you can’t completely make the pain go away, doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to ease it, and make life worth living. Everyone has a life, we all protect it with everything we have, it truly is the one thing we really have. We can’t take anything but our souls with us to the grave, so if you are the one to take that away from someone, you truly are the evil that lies within this world. Taking someone else’s life is a cowardly act that only the most sinister of people commit. It doesn’t make you better than anyone, it doesn’t put you in control, and it doesn’t make you more powerful. What it does, is it makes you a coward who cannot cope with problems like the rest of us. It makes you weak, and out of control of your own life. Committing murder is the one most unacceptable thing a person could do, and I am sure you feel like this is a good reason to do it, but do you understand what you are doing?

I recently lost my grandmother, and I have never lost anyone before. I now know what it’s like to lose someone close, and what it’s like to want them back. When I think of what is going through your mind I think it is much like what was going through my mind when I lost my grandma. I think you lost touch with yourself. I think somewhere deep inside you forgot that you are loved, and needed. You forgot that the only thing in this life that matters, if you think you have nobody, is you. You matter. You have your own way you brighten this world, and make it better every day for someone, even if it’s just yourself. If you think you have nobody, then you have lost touch in your faith no matter what that faith is in. It could be faith in god, family, love, or most of all yourself. You need to have faith in yourself and always remember that life isn’t as hard as you think it is. There is someone out there coping just like you. They are feeling what you feel, and if you think nobody understands, you must remember that we are human. Being a human means that we make mistakes, and we all share something with one another no matter what it is.

All I am trying to say is that no matter how much you hurt, you are not alone. You don’t need to take the lives of innocent people to prove that you’re hurting, because we all know. We are all hurting and coping just like you, and we all feel just like you. Don’t take the life of that person next to you just because you can, take your own life back and make a change because you can. You really can make a difference if you just remember that we are all equal. Nobody is better, and nobody is worse. Our lives are all about decisions, and some people make better ones than others. This choice you are about to make, makes you the bad person who makes the bad mistakes, but if you just decide to put the gun down, and keep trying it makes you the person that is really in control. The person who is strong enough to take life back, and not take it away. It truly makes you the one in control.

If you ever feel that you’re not important, or that your life doesn’t matter, it does. If you want to take control of your own life back, it starts with the first step. Everyone needs help at some point in life, don’t be ashamed.

When I was just a little girl, my mom met you and fell in love. She told you she had children, and you even had your own. You made it seem like you accepted us, and wanted us as your own too, but that was just at first. At first you were around when my mom needed you, and you made it seem like you wanted to be a father figure to us, because that made you more appealing. At first, it’s all about being the good guy, well, at least for a person like you it is.

At first, we were all perfect in your eyes and you made it seem like this was something you were looking for forever. But you knew it wasn’t. You knew you didn’t want any of us. What we didn’t know, was that you were the master of manipulation, and that you could play along with any little game just to get my mom’s attention. She was a hard worker who had a good plan to make a lot of money, that’s all you saw. You saw an opportunity to take someone’s life and mold it into something you want, because her life had hardly begun, and she didn’t know any better.

You are controlling, manipulative, and abusive. You are a killer. You kill the good things inside people who are around you, and that’s not even the worst thing. You shot our dog when we moved in with you, you shoot eagles, you kill things out of season, and the thing I resent the most, is you made us kill. You made my sister kill a litter of puppies when she was too young to tell you no because you would hurt us if we did. You made us kill a sheep with nothing but a big stick. You made us throw puppies and kittens over a bridge because you said they were too sick to live. You are sick, and you need help. None of this has ever been okay but you being your manipulative self, you made it okay.

My mom always thought you were right. She always believed every word you said because you made her think that way. You made my mom into your puppet. You pull her strings and spend her money like her body is lifeless. She is just a used-up soul, a new toy for you. You took her and made her into something and someone nobody wants to be around, and not even herself. She hates herself because you make her hate her. You make her think she has no other choice but you because she isn’t good enough for anyone. You make her think if she were to leave she would not make it on her own. You make her think that you are the only reason she is where she is today, and she doesn’t know any better but to believe you because that is all she knows.

She lost her children because you pushed them away. You blind her with your bullshit and try to shield her from anyone who will call you out on it. You took my mother’s beautiful heart, and soul, and you crushed it. You molded her life to the shape you wanted it, and now she is stuck. That’s right, she is stuck. You could do or say anything you want, but we all know that if she could go back and change it, she would rather surround herself with people who really do love her.

I am writing this letter to you, to inform you that I am done. I am no longer a part of your lives. You made her miss the biggest milestones of her children’s lives because you are a coward. The definition of a coward is, “A person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things.” You missed these big events in my life because you are afraid my mother will see that the important things in life are what really matters, and you sir, are not one of them. You are a coward because you will not come forward to help us to solve this issue between you and I, but you hide behind my mother and put your words in her mouth.

It is time to face it. You win, and you can have my mother’s empty soul. But, just know that I had the best days of her life, and you will never have her like I did. You will never get to see the real person that is inside her because you killed her, and you continue to do so every day. Just always remember that she is not, and will never be, happy with you no matter how hard you try to make her think she is.

What does it feel like to be in love? Some people may never truly experience it, but once you know.. You just know. If you have to think about it, and wonder if it’s really what you want, then it’s really not what you want. People settle all to easily, and they don’t think about the consequences in the future. In the future, will he be patient, and kind with your children, if you decide to have them? Will he love you unconditionally for the rest of his life? Will he support you and all the things that you want to do with your life? Will he be the one you can go to with anything, and everything without hesitation? Ask yourself, what kind of a person is this man? Do you truly know from the bottom of your heart that he is the one for you, without a doubt?

It takes two to tango, so don’t forget that those questions should all apply to you, this is not a one sided thing. If you are truly in love with somebody, you cannot be available to other people. If you think flaunting your body, and yourself to other men/ women is okay, then you are simply not mature enough for a serious relationship. You have to learn that a relationship takes trust, and most importantly, RESPECT. To respect someone, you must always keep them in mind when making decisions and plans; besides, if you love someone, why would you want to make decisions and plans without them?

Nobody said love would be easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing I have ever known. Letting someone past the walls you put up takes time, and effort. Most people fail at relationships because they don’t take the time to understand one another. Opening up and letting someone in to see all your flaws, and all the dysfunctional things about you is the scariest thing I can think of. You, as a person are the only one who knows everything about you, but now you have this other person who wants to know, and that could be a good reason to push them away. If you are not ready to let someone see even your worst side, then you are not ready to make that lifelong commitment. Trying to always see something from your partners perspective takes lots of practice. It is easy to always be selfish and to think about yourself, but in order to make a relationship work you should always take into consideration the thoughts of others.

It is not a bad thing to not be ready to jump into a huge commitment. Love is something that should be able to wait and endure, it should not be rushed. Love is a powerful tool, its easy to use it against someone; but, that is the worst part about it. Love is a weapon of mass destruction, and when used the wrong way it can destroy someones life. It is easy to be blinded by love, and to not see what really matters in life if you are consumed by one person. If you really are in love with someone, then your life does not have to only consist of that person. To have a fulfilling relationship, you and your partner should be able to have time for friends and family.

A relationship that consists of only two people all the time is unhealthy, and can lead to being dependent on that person for all your emotional needs. Being emotionally bound to one person gives them the power to destroy your life. You can’t let people have that kind of power over you if you want to be in control of your own life. There is being in love, then there is being addicted. Addiction is blinding, we all know someone who suffers from this all too well.

Love is strong, but it is worth it. Good, or bad, love is a lesson worth learning, and it’s constantly evolving. So again, what does it feel like to be in love? It feels like the bumpiest ride of your life, but the view at the top is breathtaking.

But, I would never tell you that I am tired and I have only gotten a few hours of sleep. I would never tell you that I am also going to school so going to work at the same time is the hardest thing I will ever do. I would never tell you that tonight is especially long and grouling, and I would do anything to be home in bed. I would never tell you that my kids are sick at home and they need their momma, but my patients are sick and for some reason my work thinks they need me more. I would never tell you that a 12 hour shift is draining, and after about 9-10 hours my back starts to hurt and changing you after you’ve had an accident in your bed becomes the hardest thing about my night. I would never tell you that I have a patient next door that just tried to punch me in the face because he’s confused and scared and there is nothing I can do to calm his nerves, so he is strapped to a bed with restraints right now; however, that only makes it worse. I would never tell you that I have a patient who is running me ragged asking for everything under the sun to eat. I have taken so many trips to the pantry tonight so no, I don’t want to take another, but I will. I would never tell you that I have a hospice patient next door that has no family in there, and I want to be in there with all my heart and soul, but I just don’t have the time to comfort the old, dying patient. I would never tell you that the nurse I am working with tonight is the same nurse that won’t do a single CNA task because it’s beneath her, so I am stuck doing this all alone tonight. I would never tell you that I don’t have time to take you to the bathroom because this patient next door needs more help than you, and you are probably going to have to wait a while before I can get there because she is a fall risk and I cannot leave her on the toilet alone. I would never tell you that I needed help and that there is only one me because that would make you feel bad for me, but I am your caretaker tonight, I need to be the stronger one.

What I would tell you is that you are the reason for my life. You are the reason I wake up everyday. I come to work with a smile on my face because I am ready to change a life. I walk into your room and I am ready to address your every need, and when you push that light, you bet I’ll be there as soon as I can. One patient can make a difference in your entire night. One patients smile can make me remember why I do this. I do this because I care. I care about you, and everything you need to feel cared about is what I am here to provide. I’m basically your servant, and I am okay with that. No, trust me I’m not in this for the money because it’s not that great. I am in here for you. Once I walk into this room, I become your family. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, and not because they want me to, but because I want to. I want to make a difference in your life, and I will do whatever I can to fix your problems. Even when my problems are stacking up outside this hospital, I will leave them at the door because I want to make this experience about you.

So, being a CNA is hard work, yes, but you make it all worth it to me. You give my life meaning, and I could never thank you enough for that. On those difficult days when all I have done is run back and forth down that hospital hall, and I step into your room and you make me smile, that’s what makes those 12 hours worth it. You make it worth it.

You brought me into this world, but it seems you have forgotten the most important part; navigating me through it. You found something better, something that means more to you than I ever could. I have been left behind, erased, and pushed away. When I think about you, I think about your addiction. I think about who you are, not who you used to be. You used to love me, and you even used to care, but now I am just a blank space in your memory that is only a recognition of the mistakes you have made in your past. I am your mistake; I am your past.

I look to you hoping one day you will come to terms with your addiction, and you will see the truth. The truth is you are so tied up in this new life that you forgot to call. You forgot to ask me how my day was, or if I needed any advice. You think I am so independent, and that I have always been. You never thought to take the time and really understand me. I am not independent. I am in fact reliant. I am reliant on this crazy dream that maybe you will come back to me someday. Maybe you will take into consideration what you do to me every day. Maybe you will think about how much I worry you will never come out of this, or how much sleep I lose at night wondering if I can change this, or what our lives would have been if I could have changed it years ago.

You are unhappy. I am unhappy. but do you know who is not unhappy? The addiction you have. He is your addiction. You are forever tied up in his life, forgetting to live your own, because that is the way he wants it. You are hopeless. He sucks the life out of you, but you won’t ever see it like that; he would never allow that.

So, mom I want you to know that I want to hate you. I want to resent you with everything I have, but I also have enough hope for the both of us. I have enough hope to keep holding on, and to keep telling you it will all be okay. I am broken because of you, and life is hard because of you; however, because of you, I will put my pieces back together and gather yours no matter how many times you’re shattered. I can navigate my life enough to learn from your mistakes, and to learn not to leave your loved ones behind. I will fight for you like you never did for me. I will forever share my hope, and hope that one day you will realize that you don’t need him. You never did.

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