A parent's guide to kids' birthday party etiquette

If you've ever been stumped on how much to spend on a birthday present for a child you've never heard of before, or wondered whether you should still buy a gift even if your child can't attend a party, etiquette expert Anna Musson from The Good Manners Company is a good person to know.

She admits parties for little people can be a "minefield" for parents, but is happy to help answer a few of our most burning questions.

Q: I’ve always believed $20 is a good amount to spend on a birthday present for my child's classmate, but lately I've seen prices creep up past $50 a gift. What is the acceptable amount to spend?

A: Musson says spending anywhere between $15 to $40 is a solid guide, but warns against looking at the figure itself rather than the gift's perceived value. "A sports cap on sale from $30 to $20 is a win, as is a frilly tutu on sale, but be mindful of sale items in case they need to be exchanged for a different size as you could be caught out with an item that can't be exchanged," she says.

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Q: One parent is renowned for spending in excess of $60 on birthday presents but I can't afford to reciprocate when it comes to her child's party. What should I do?

A: For a start, Musson warns against purchasing items with an obvious value such as a gift card, and suggests building value in other ways such as pretty gift wrapping and writing a lovely message in a well-chosen card. "You could consider partnering with other parents if you think the child may appreciate a bigger gift, but it's worth remembering that this isn't a competition and sticking to your budget for all parties will ultimately shield you from trying to keep up with the Jones's. Find your magic amount and stick to it for every occasion," she says.

Q: Every year, my son is invited to a classmate's party – even though they don't really get along. My son doesn't want to keep inviting this child to his own parties but I'm concerned if I stop inviting him, it will seem rude. Is it?

A: In family situations, it's always advisable to reciprocate invitations, says Musson, but when it comes to friendships, the rules are there are no rules. "With children it's reasonable to assume there will be friendship fluctuations and one should always seek to avoid becoming offended by this reality," she says. "In many cases there will be a limit to the number of children permitted at the activity and explaining this to everyone if this is the case may ease the tension." Musson also adds this is a handy fall-back position if you don't wish that child or their parents to attend.

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Q: I'm seeing more situations where entire classes are invited to birthday parties but I just can't get on board with such numbers. Surely, we can continue to invite only a handful of our child's buddies?

A: You absolutely should not feel obligated to invite every classmate, however Musson says it's a good idea to speak with your child about the importance of discretion. "Ask them to avoid discussing the party at school – and this includes handing out paper invitations in front of the other students during recess or lunch."

Instead, stick to a good number you can work worth and let your child know how many friends they can invite. "If they’re struggling with this and budget/space allow, you can always extend it to include a few more."

Q: My daughter has a domineering friend I can't stand. Do I have to invite them or can I pull parental rank and say, "Nope, not if I'm paying for it"?

A: Sadly, you're going to have to put up with it, says Musson. "Sometimes there is no getting around situations like these and the more resistance we show, the more your child will like them!"

If the child in question is a bit of a bully and isn't invited, it can also potentially inflame things in the playground. Communication is key, explains Musson. "Discuss it with your child and if they really want that friend at their party, that friend will have to be at that party."

Q: Is bringing a younger sibling along to a party ever okay?

A: While it's never good manners to bring along an uninvited guest, Musson says the rules can be relaxed if you are attending a party at the friend's home and you are staying yourself. "Siblings should never be left at the party while you go to the shops and should not expect a party bag," she says, adding that it's particularly bad form if there is a cost per head situation such as a bowling party.

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Q: I'm confused as to whether presents should be opened at the party or left until we get home. Which is better?

A: Bring along a large IKEA bag or two; presents only work to distract the children and should only be opened once you get home. "When guests arrive, the birthday child should greet them and thank them for their gift," says Musson. "The gifts should then be placed on a gift table or room and not looked at again until all guests have left."

One of the other issues with opening presents in front of everyone is that places all the attention on the birthday child and exposes who bought what, she explains. "Children who bought a less favourable gift will be embarrassed if the gift is not to the child's liking and things can get awkward quickly."

Q: Do I have to buy a birthday present for a child if we cannot make the party?

A: If they're a close friend or family member, you may wish to send along a gift if you like, but there's no obligation to buy a gift if your child isn't attending their party. "What is important however, is that you RSVP that your child cannot attend as soon as you know – preferably the day you receive the invitation," says Musson. "And then everyone can move on plan accordingly."