Thursday, August 2, 2012

LETTER TO JAN (OR THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU'RE SAD)

Hey Jan!

How are you?I hope you're OK.Look, I know I said I'd make a video for you.

And I WANT to.But like, Actually,I kind of feel shitty.And I have Some Reasons, butMostly I Blame It On Hormones.(I blame everything on Hormones).Like, I've been doing this thing.I skip the Placebo Week on my Birth Control Pills.(The "Placebo Week" is the week where your pills leave room for your period. And I think it's stupid to get your period. You know? So I skip that week).So I haven't been getting my period.And I thought that would make me LESS emotional.But for some reason I'm kind of like,Sad.And I feel like,If I try to make a video now,I'll just start crying.And nobody wants to see that.Well, some people do.But those people are Assholes.What I'm saying is,I will make a video about you.Because I like you,And I think people would like you, If I told them aboutYour Fruit Loops Track SuitThat you used to wear All The Time.But in the meantime, We have to wait,For my mood to get better.

So Jan, in the meantime,Here is a

List of Things To Do When You Are Sad:

1) Watch 100 Greatest Quotes From The Wire.I've never actually watched The Wire but everyone told me it's really great but I feel like if I start watching it now I'll just never actually start studying for my final exams which are coming up next month and which will basically determine My Future and whether I can leave Milan next Spring (PleaseGod) and whether I'm going to have to ask my parents to Send Me More Crops. Anyway a Friend showed me this video yesterday and watching it made me feel scared.

2) Look At Old Pictures Of Yourself.And either feel really great about yourself now via not being as embarrassing as you used to be

and/or totally hate yourself for gaining weight since then.

3) Shave Your Legs.Not that anyone's gonna touch them (*cries*) but because at least this way when you cry yourself to sleep at night it won't be because of the pain you're feeling via poking yourself with your hairs.

4) Sit In A Corner And Stare At The Hairy Patch You Missed Somewhere Close To Your Knee Or Ankle. Because Duh.

5) Skype Your Mom.

6) Watch The Olympics And Resent Your Parents For Letting You Quit 4th Grade Basketball Because You Totally Sucked At It Wanted To "Focus On Piano."

7) Eat Your Feelings.

8) Film Yourself Crying And Send The Video To Your Ex-Boyfriend And Get Really Dressed Up And Sit By The Window Waiting For Him To Throw Rocks At The Glass Romantically With A Boom Box Over His Head And A Bucket Of KFC Mashed Potatoes In His Lap.

3 comments:

Cheer up buttercup ;-) as someone truly wise once said: you will meet the guy you will ruin your lipstick, and not your mascara xoxoxox you are articulate, beautiful and funny and you deserve to be happy and you will be when you are ready to accept only the love that you deserve (cue Whitney Houston's the greatest love of alllll)