CPS Mess *long*

So I have 2 step-daughters. The youngest is 8 and has ADHD and epilepsy and ODD and god knows what else...all kinds of issues (super emotional, lives in her own world, lies about things, doesn't take care of personal hygiene). The girls' mother is very noncommunicative with us and rarely tells us when things are going on, or if she does she doesn't give us the whole story on things. Half the time we have to get the story from the girls. So 2 years ago the 8 year old is having some issues with constipation and ended up in the hospital. After that she was started on a special diet and regular doses of Miralax....every once in awhile she still gets an issue...which for some reason equals constipation but poo leakage at the same time. And when this happens DSD won't keep herself clean. She'll go to the bathroom, find that she's leaked, wipe herself, and put her dirty underwear back on. And if we ask her if she's clean she says yes. And if you don't force her to change, she'll wear those dirty underwear for days without changing them, swearing that they're clean.

So, trying to motivate her to keep herself clean, and to protect the health of the baby and the other child (and us) who sit on the couch, we gave her options: wear pull-ups full time, show us your pants are clean before you sit on the couch, or sit on the floor and/or ottoman and not the couch. She chose to sit on the floor/ottoman. And has been doing this for maybe 3 months now. Her mother never has given us a good explanation as to why the leakage happens and hasn't worked to get her to take better care of her personal hygiene (she just cleans up after her at their house) and just kind of laughs about it.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when we were on our honeymoon. DHs ex calls to tell him that DSD mentioned in therapy that she wasn't "allowed" to sit on the couch and the therapist got cps involved. Now they're leaving business cards on our door and DH needs to call them and I'm all anxious about it. We started allowing her back on the couch as long as she shows us she's clean...but DH says his ex says even that isn't allowed because it's "embarassing". I feel backed into a corner. I don't want my baby sitting and climbing, etc on a couch that has poop on it...and I'm annoyed that cps is involved. Its embarassing and I keep thinking, are we going to be dealing with this forever? She's gotten cps involved at her mom's house before for saying something that wasn't entirely true. I didn't think we were being cruel...we certainly weren't doing it to be cruel. I was only thinking of how unsanitary it is for the other children and us...and she lies and doesn't keep herself clean so it felt like we had to give her those options. Blah.

Comments (999)

I also said, she would sit in the dirty undearwear if we allowed her to. Never said we allowed her to. We make her change regularly...many times a day...despite yelling and crying and foot stomping.

So this epileptic, ADHD 8 year old suffering from encopresis due to GI issues is having her stepmother checking her ass, looking at her panties, treating her as if she is dirty and disgusting. Her wanting to leave her underwear on, even if it is dirty, is about control, about her own bodily integrity and about her shame and your humiliating her. None of what you are doing is helping her.

Allow CPS to do their job. Take advantage of the resources they offer. This child deserves better than to be treated like an animal.

So which is it? Mom won't take the kid to the Dr. and she has leakage issues...or mom DOES take her to the Dr. and the problem IS being managed? I'm so confused.

YOU take her to a walk in clinic. YOU pay the co-pay or bill if they don't have her insurance info....and you get copies of her medical records. Then you go to court and get custody if mom is so batshit crazy she's not taking care of the kids.

I highly doubt that anywhere in the custody court papers it says that dad can't have any access to his own child's medical records?? Really??? He needs to go on his own time during their regular office hours and pay for copies of her medical records. Set up an appointment to TALK with the Dr...the child doesn't have to be present. HE needs to step up.

I don't know much about how custody works other than it varies alot state by state, to know whether DH really does not have the rights to take her to the doctor. If he doesn't, he can clearly see that there is an issue and of all the things you can do, go back to court, tell the judge that the child isn't getting the proper medical treatment that she needs under her mothers care and ask that the judge allow him to have the right to be in charge of this.

What if it were an emergency, and they are at your house? Would he not be authorized to tell the hospital to provide her medical care? I have to believe there is something not correct about this. If the mother has full legal custody than perhaps the decisions are up to her, but if she isn't making the right ones, it is up to you and DH to do something about that. Be your daughters advocate, not her enemy.

I worked with young adults like this in a group home. Often the medications they are on contribute to the constipation issues and can also inhibit their motivation to take care of themselves well.

You are punishing her for something that is not completely in her control by not letting her on the couch and making her prove to you she is clean. How humiliating! Telling her she has to wear feaking pull-up! Good lord. You and your husband have chosen to take a back seat to her medical and psychiatric issues. Yes, CPS should have been called.

The mother discretely cleans up after her daughter, encourages her and is working on treating her conditions. You are doing nothing but being punitive. Learn some compassion.

DHs ex calls to tell him that DSD mentioned in therapy that she wasn't "allowed" to sit on the couch and the therapist got cps involved.

OK wait. Why exactly was CPS called? Everyone in this thread is making it seem like CPS was called because of neglect on the mother or father for not dealing with the medical issue when clearly in the OP it states it is because the child isn't allowed on a couch.

So I have been sitting here think why would CPS get involved over a complaint like that? Just not allowing a child to sit on a couch is not CPS worthy. What else could this child have possibly said to get this CPS worthy. Are they accusing the father of abuse or something?

I'm trying really hard not to judge OP, I really am, but I'm finding it hard because I don't understand why your DuH hasn't petitioned for a new custody agreement. If you and he are so concerned why haven't you gone to court? Why haven't you called CPS? Tangled hair, hygene issues, emotional problems.....all reasons to go to court and petition for at least 50/50 custody.

Poor baby. :( She obviously has uncontrollable medical issues. If your DH and her mom cannot communicate like adults, especially when it comes to important medical issues and decisions, CPS is most definitely needed. Her therapist did her job in mandated reporting.