Recharge those batteries!!

Summary

A businessman tries various methods to reduce stress, all with
unfortunate results.

Characters

Doctor
Anthony Baron - the patient
Baron's wife
Baron's daughter

Script

(The stage is set with a doctor's desk and chair to one side. At
the desk is the Doctor, who remains throughout the play, but
"invisible" when not involved in consultation.)

(Enter Anthony Baron, very listless; can scarcely drag himself to
the chair.)

Doctor: Good morning, Mr Baron. My, you are looking down on it
today. What seems to be the problem?

Baron: Hello, Doc. I just don't seem to have any get up and go
these days. I'm listless, tired all the time, wake up in the morning
feeling as if I've had no sleep. My appetite's gone. Up to now I've
been a ball of energy - up at dawn, work a 14-hour day, on the road
six days out of seven. Now I feel like a shell of the man I used to
be.

Doc: Sounds a bit like classic symptoms of stress. That is, if you
haven't changed your diet or your lifestyle lately.

Baron: No, not at all. Though maybe I should. I've lost interest
in just about everything I do. What can you give me for it?

Doc: There's no pill labelled "Enjoyment of life", I'm afraid. And
I'm not sure I'd prescribe it if there were. You need to recharge
your batteries. There are perfectly good, natural ways to do it.

Baron: Like what?

Doc: Let's start simple, shall we!? When was the last time you did
a spot of gardening?

Baron: Gardening!!!

Doc: Yes. Get your fingers into the soil. Enjoy nature. You'll be
amazed at what it does for you.

Baron: And for this bit of nonsense you'll charge a hefty
consultant's fee, I suppose.

Doc: No, just the usual. Go on, try it.

(Baron exits, looking dubious.)

Doc: Next please! (Starts writing up case notes.)

(Baron re-enters, carrying a chainsaw and a fold-up ladder. He is
now in his garden. The Doctor "freezes" during the following.)

Baron: (Breathes deeply) Maybe Doc was right! It is too long since
I communed with nature. (Looking at the chainsaw and then up at the
tree) Well, let's get on with that pruning.

(He tries to unfold the ladder while retaining hold of the
chainsaw, without success. The ladder is totally unco-operative,
folding in all the wrong ways. The more he tries, the worse it gets,
until he ends up a tangle of ladder and arms and legs. In frustration
he throws the ladder off to one side, grits his teeth, and with an
"I'll conquer you" look up at the tree, mimes beginning to climb,
chainsaw in hand. Exhausted, he reaches a branch, throws a leg over
it, and sits down, exhausted. On his precarious perch, he tries to
start the chainsaw, but it only sputters. In desperation, he gives a
really hard yank, and falls. There is a loud crash as he hits the
ground, and then suddenly the chain saw kicks into life. Baron shakes
his fist at it and limps over to the Doctor's desk.)

Baron: Commune with nature, the man says!

Doc: (Takes out a bandage, and begins to bandage his head.) If I
may say so, Mr Baron, I had meant a slightly more down-to-earth start
to matters horticultural. Perhaps we need to think of something a bit
more relaxing, to help you charge your batteries. What about
fishing?

Baron: Fishing!!

Doc: Yes, get out your old fly rod, find a nice quiet stretch of
river, and let the gentle rippling of the water restore your soul.
"He leads me by still waters."

Baron: Who does?

Doc: I don't know ... it's a quotation from somewhere or other. A
figure of speech.

Baron: You're not going to charge a fancy fee for that, are
you?

Doc: No, just the usual. (Baron exits.) Next please! (He goes on
writing.)

(Baron re-enters, carrying a fishing rod. He breathes deeply with
a sigh of satisfaction, looks round for a suitable spot, and gets
ready to start fishing. He takes out a fishing lure, and in trying to
tie onto the line, jabs his finger. He succeeds in tying it on. He
swings his rod back to cast, and the line catches in a tree behind
him. He puts down the rod, and goes to untangle the line. No matter
how he pulls, it won't come, so in frustration he takes out a knife
and cuts the line. Turning to go back to his rod, he trips over a
piece of wood and falls into a patch of stinging nettle. With grim
determination, he picks himself up, picks up the rod, and attaches
another lure, pricking himself again in the process. Finally, he
succeeds in casting the line, and he waits in tense expectation for
the fish to bite. Nothing happens. He reels in the line, and casts,
again waiting tensely, urging the fish to take the lure. As he reels
in again, the sound of a jet boat is heard in the distance, rapidly
approaching. As Baron casts for the third time, the jet boat comes
past with a roar, the line jerks, and he is pulled into the river.
[Fortunately, it is shallow where he is standing.] He gets
up, shakes his fist, winces from a suspected sprain, and dripping wet
limps off.)

Doc: (Applying a sling to his arm) A pill will not give you
quality of life, Mr Baron. Your problem is, you do everything too
intensely. The quotation I mentioned last visit said "still waters" -
not a raging torrent.

Baron: Forget the philosophising. I want a cure.

Doc: Then do yourself a favour and have a real holiday. Bury your
cell phone. Laze on a beach somewhere. Soak up the sun and the sea.
(Pedantically slow.) Take ... it ... easy.

Baron: (Resigned) All right, I'll try it your way one last time.
(Exits)

Doc: Next please! (Goes on writing.)

(Sounds of airport departure lounge. Baron enters carrying
suitcase, with wife and preschool daughter in tow. Wife is carrying a
baby, which is crying. The child, constantly complains or wants
something.)

Baron: Honey, can't you keep the baby quiet? Shove a pacifier in
its mouth or something, for goodness sake!

Wife: Just you try holding him. He's all out of routine.

Child: (Pulls on Baron's trousers, urgently.) Daddy, I need to go
the toilet.

Baron: Well, I can't take you. I'm not allowed to go in there.

Child: But I've got to go. NOW!

Baron: (To wife) Okay, I'll hold the baby, while you take her. But
hurry up, we're an hour late for reporting now.

Announcer: This is a last call for passengers on Flight 713 to
Hawaii. If you have not checked in, please do so now before standby
passengers are allocated your seats.

Baron: Hurry up! Hurry up! (The baby cries unmercifully.)

Wife: (Enters at the run.) Tony, you've got to do something quick.
Matilda has locked herself in the toilet, and the door has jammed.
She's screaming blue murder and I can't find an attendant.

(All freeze as.....)

Announcer: Repeating the final call for passengers on Flight 713
to Hawaii.......

(Lights fade on family. They come up on Doctor still sitting at
his desk. He finishes writing, puts the folder away and stands.)

Doc: Mind you, it is easier for some of us than others. (He
unbuttons two or three buttons of his shirt, opens a small cavity,
takes out a battery, throws it in the rubbish bin, and inserts a new
battery. He shrugs his shoulders and exits.)