3/12/11

A Day In The Life.......

My son left a puddle of pee on the floor of Mcdonalds during rush hour lunch time. Not a whole lot mind you. Just what ever could overflow from his shoe and end up on the floor. It didn't help that he walked around in a circle for a minute, tracking it everywhere, before telling me that he had once again peed his pants. Now there is little pee foot prints, size 7.

We are in the middle of potty training and I thought we had turned the corner. We can do it at home and even in public for the most part. But there are times that he forgets that pissing on the floor is a bad thing, like when we are ordering food at McDonald's.

We've had a pretty good day. Hossmom is gone for the day and night so I tried to make today as special as I could. We went to ballet class for my daughter, a good start. Nothing is cuter than my little girl twirling in a tutu and not breaking anything. After that, we went to a St. Patrick's day parade. We made new friends and shared the candy that was thrown at us. Little Hoss's new best friend is named Elise, a very sweet little girl that likes hugs and cats but not loud fire trucks.

I thought I would top the day off by taking the kids to Mcdonalds. This way they play some more and I don't have to cook. But the best laid plans of mice and men......

Now we have a puddle of pee on the floor. I'm trying to talk to my son and order at the same time. Neither goes very well. I didn't have a spare change of clothes on me so we have to get the order to go which causes both kids to start crying. I try to explain that we can't slide down the slide and leave pee trails. It's not polite. But that doesn't make much difference to a 3 year old. We carry our happy meals to the car and I've got everyone loaded up before I remember I didn't actually tell any staff member about the puddle. Now I'm a bad father and a bad consumer. I can only offer my heart felt apologies to all the people that tracked around in my son's urine. It wasn't intentional, I promise.

Normally, this in and of itself is enough for a good blog. A little ha ha, aw gross that I might be going for. But it's only early afternoon, our day isn't even over yet. Come, join me in the rest of my day.

About 3 o'clock we were having break time. A nice snack was had by all. I find that popcorn is really good for any occasion. At some point during snack time Little Hoss decided to get a very big glass of ice water. Normally, I'm ok with this. But right after she got it she decided that there was something very important that she had to tell me. So she started running. Fast. So fast that she tripped and dumped the ENTIRE glass of ice cold water, complete with ice, right on my crotch. I was just sitting in my chair answering some email and then bam, ice cold crotch.

Then Bubba Hoss peed his pants again.

There are moments in the day where sometimes you just have a small desire to check bus schedules. With my incredible shrinking junk, this was one of those moments. I was hoping that ballet class would give my daughter a chance to develop her coordination. I do not think it's working.

It's time to go outside. Let the world feel the wrath of my children and let me just calm down a bit. I know that I'm about to lose it at this point so a public place is probably a good idea. Again, the best laid plans of mice and men........

As we are planting bulbs for spring, Bubba Hoss smacks Little Hoss in the head with a rock. Loud screams and crying ensues. Time outs are given. I should have kept a better eye on my daughter after that as I was sure that retribution was going to come. It did in the form of a bungee cord from my garage that happened to slap my son right in the face. More timeouts are issued. It's time to go inside. I make the kids clean up the front yard. Bubba Hoss somehow runs smack into a parked car and goes down. He's crying. Kid doesn't pay attention. A second later my daughter trips and lands chin first on the driveway. Now everyone is crying and I'm wondering if they post bus schedules on the Internet or if hitch hiking is the better solution here.

We go inside to find that the dogs took a gigantic shit on the floor. Huge. I don't know why. Maybe the family is finally bonding together for the sole purpose of driving me insane. The kids and I begin to clean up the foulness that has come from my dogs ass. Little Hoss does a really good job of just smearing it into the floor. As I am cleaning up the smears, Little Hoss comes and gets me. She says the toilet is broken.

I walk to the bathroom to see it in mid overflow as my son continues to try and flush it. You can really tell when I've had it when I start picking kids up by t-shirts to move them out of the way. It probably doesn't look that good but we have yet another issue that I have to deal with. But at least my son didn't pee his pants again.

Now I am my hands and knees cleaning up the floor from the overflow. This makes the second time I've cleaned up the very same dog turds. I got it stopped and unclogged and feeling like perhaps the worst part of my day is over. Then I hear the crash.

I come out of the bathroom to find my son laying face down at the bottom of the stairs. At the top of stairs I see my daughter in a ballet pose, first position actually, and about to do twirls. I don't even ask if Bubba Hoss was pushed off the stairs. I just play the odds. I clean my son's bloody nose and then put everyone in time out yet again.

At dinner, my daughter drops her corn dog. The dog quickly eats it. My son throws a piece of melon at my head. The dog pukes up the corn dog because it was to hot.

I'm done.

I do the complete father give up that happens from time to time when Hossmom is gone over night and the day has been hard. I tell the kids to get their PJ's on, we are having a slumber party. This is where I let the kids get their sleeping bags and watch a movie in the game room while they fall asleep. They'll but up for another 2 hours but this way I don't have to fight with anyone about bed time. I've got nothing left. It's basically my way of letting the kids put themselves to bed.

I'm not proud of the way things went today. Sometimes one disaster seems to just fall right on top of another one adding up to one glorious shit heel of a day where you come face to face with your many failures. But we all learn from our mistakes and I'm no different. Sometimes you just have to walk away from a puddle of pee and call it even.

I am a mother of four all grown up now. We had some bad days, but you win!!! This was the funniest story I have heard in a long time. I sat at the computer and bawled I was laughing so hard--in fact, I almost peed my pants!! Someday when they are all grown, you will look back, shake your head, and laugh. Believe it or not, this is memory you will charish. Thanks for making my day!!!

The Inner Hoss

Let me explain it this way: I have a college degree and had a job. I quit it on purpose to teach my three minions how to be minions. After 8 years the kids have only broken 1/2 of what we've seen but the other half is on the list.