Innocent Bystanders

Lines Never Spoken May 21, 2007

Rick Reilly writes the last page column in Sports Illustrated. He’s a good and often humorous writer. A recent column consisted of lines he says have never been used in the history of the world. Such as:

Steve, I think Skinny screwed up his own contest from the outset with this one:

“I don’t think I’m going to renew that magazine. Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity just isn’t me.” Also, as noted, I liked the line about legal opinions being too obtuse to merit comment. But I’ll give Harrison his props.

“You’re gonna scream and cream yourself when you see this startling new tree peony from one of Japan’s top breeders. Around a central boss of golden staminoides arises a puff of petals ranging from nipple pink to p**** pink. It seems to glow with an inner light, like a fucking phosphorescent meat-tunneling alien inside the chest of a victim. If you love tree peonies and you don’t like this one, go get your fucking head examined.”-Beautiful Plants And Creative Profanity

West coast redwoods are the most phallic trees in North America. Rising powerfully out of the ground, erect and straight, when fully grown they achieve a length of nearly 300 feet. When you first touch one, lightly, at the base, you’ll tremble with excitement. If that doesn’t fucking get you off then nothing will.-Beautiful Plants and Creative Profanity

Bass players have long been known for their raw, sexual attractiveness and draw flocks of adoring, hormonally charged fans to them while lead singers and lead guitar players are left to linger on the sidelines hoping for sloppy seconds or leftovers.

IB Factoid Of The Day: Looks like we’ll top 300,000 Visits sometime tonight. Traffic is slow at the moment, so it could happen in the wee hours when the Asia-Pacific hits come in. At the latest, we’ll top 300,000 early tomorrow morning.

FYI, we are currently at 642,813 Page Views. That’s an awesome ratio of Page Views to Visits, especially when you consider the thousands of junk hits per month on the Jessica Alba pic that we got last winter.

So like a Mormon. Judgmental. During the Lutheran Millennium™, there will be a special reeducation camp to help Mormons with this problem. Skinny, I’ll try to make sure that you have some ducks to take care of.