Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The First Step

Deep breath in. Hold. Exhale. Repeat.

Okay.

Here it is. This is the first step. I offer myself to the interwebs. I come here baring my soul and my mind. Why? I have a great support system so I am offering this blog as a chance for other moms suffering with Conversion Disorder to see that they are not alone.

Conversion Disorder sucks. I know that it doesn't suck as much as other diseases and disorders (I'm looking at you Cancer and AIDS), but it still does suck.

For me, Conversion Disorder makes me nervous. I've had it for years, and as the years have passed my "episodes" have become more frequent. When my stress or anxiety get too high, my mind decides that I need a "reboot" and shuts me down. No, I don't mean that my mind shuts down my organs. My mind MAKES me calm down. The way my body handles Conversion Disorder is odd. The first time it happened was after a concussion; I was conscious, but couldn't give the hospital staff my info; I didn't forget it, I was giving them my husband's info. We didn't know about Conversion Order at that time. Years later, it happened again. This time was scarier since I had three kids. My husband and I were bickering over something trivial and I went to sit on the couch. I zoned out. I didn't mean to. I couldn't move, talk, respond, anything. I was a mannequin. Off to the doctor we went. The ER ran down different theories: stroke, drug overdose, aneurysm, and "faking it". I am not kidding you when I compare it to a computer reboot. As the hours went by I was able to become more "alert" and "responsive". My communication was a bit out of whack. When I was able to use words, they weren't the right ones. It was beyond frustrating, not only for my family, but for myself. The best way I can explain it is the way I explained it to my youngest son: "it's like being trapped in a glass box. You know what is going on (for the most part) and you can't communicate with the outside". After a few hours, I am pretty much back to normal, just super tired.

Twice I have fainted. Having EMS pick you up off the floor in front of your kids is scary.

The last two "episodes" have been minor. No fainting. We skipped the hospital. We've done this enough times. Check vital signs, ensure a comfortable position, and sleep. That's it. We can do that at home and save a whole hell of a lot of time, hassle, unnecessary bloodwork, and money. Jackson is quite possibly the best (and cutest) male nurse I could ever ask for.

My teenagers know the drill. They are still a little scared when it happens, but they know what to expect. I stay at home A LOT, but I wear a medical alert bracelet just in case.

I've been home A LOT over the past year or two. Depression plays a big part in it. My Conversion Disorder episodes have become more frequent so I think that I may have an underlying fear of having an episode in public. Alone. Driving.

I cannot let this fear control me. Each day I fight. Each day I take my meds. Each day I try to do at least one productive thing. Today, this is the one productive thing.