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I don’t want to look back with guilt.

29 May 2014 my mother was admitted to hospital. Medical staff said she had a heart attack. I took her to hospital because she was short of breath, her abdomen was swollen and her legs were retaining so much water that the skin burst. We did not know that she had a heart attack.

Two days later she was back home but it was a wake up call. I realized that she will not be with us for very much longer. Her life changed quite a bit. She gets out of breath easily and cannot do as much physical work as before. The doctor told me she has a leaking heart valve.

Often she says it is such a pity that I have to work because she wants to spend more time with me. When we are together, I find that she either criticizes everything I do or she finds something to complain about. I on the other hand, want our time together, to be pleasant because I fear that time is so short. She has always been there for me and I always want her to feel that she can rely on me.

I was a boring goody two shoes who never got in trouble. Patience is difficult when you feel life is too short to be negative all the time. There is never a happy thought or word. If I give flowers – it is you wasted money on something that only dies, if I give chocolate – it is they make me fat I don’t want them, if I suggest a movie the response is – it reminds me of your father.

It is very bad to feel guilty about what was said or not said when it is too late. I was sometimes very irritated by my mom about things that were really insignificant, and although I loved and always supported her especially in her later life, those incidents of irritation still haunt me. She passed away some four, five years ago, and I wish I could just hug her one last time. Ironically, my dad used to say “A bunch of flowers in your mother’s hand is worth more than a bouquet on her grave.”

I’m sorry it’s turned out this way. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You’ve done the best you can for her, and although there appears to be no gratitude on your mom’s side, you just have to keep telling yourself that. It’s not easy looking after an aging parent. *hugs*

I’m really sorry to hear that your mother is not doing well. It does sound serious, but I hope you have ore time with her than you’re sensing. It’s really difficult to be the caregiver, and it’s also really hard to be ill! I think you’re both under a lot of stress. As much as possible, just sit with her and let her talk about whatever is on her mind, and you’re right, you won’t have any regrets!