OUCH! by MR.E.

Monday, April 28, 2014

While killing some spare time flipping through magazines at the local
newsstand (two o'clock in the morning is the slow part of my day), I ran
across a full page advertisement for a "hot" dvd promising
"Over 99 Wild Spring Break Co-Ed Girls!"

Tantalized by the ad, I decided to spend the $7.99 for the "Older Than They Look" special issue of CROTCH it appeared in.

Quietly maneuvering through the other men in the aisle silently browsing
the racks (and beavers); I avoided eye contact with the clerk, and
purchased the well thumbed through magazine- along with some scratch-off
lottery tickets and a bottle of cherry flavored cough syrup.

Upon waking the next day (technically, "coming to"), the dvd
still enthralled my thoughts just as much as candy and lighting fires
did when I was a child.

Four to six weeks later, after finally receiving and "watching" it (again
and again)- I rested to count what I saw- the number was always the
same; and after dividing by two, I arrived (no pun intended... or was
it?) at one hundred girls!

"Over 99" didn't fool me into thinking there'd be thousands.

I'm told by someone who works within the advertising industry (a
misleading claim when your job is to stand on street corners handing out
flyers for a strip club) that this is a standard method of suggestion
developed by "Madison Avenue," and underwritten, as usual, by Satan.

I consider myself to be a man of hard will and rectitude (but that's
just between you and me); none the less, a similar media barrage using
magazine ads, half hour infomercials, and sidewalk sandwich boards
promising "Exactly 100 Wild Spring Break Co-Ed Girls" would've worked just as well.

The fact is, when you've seen one intoxicated, prone to impulsive
behavior and poor judgment co-ed girl with low self-esteem out for a
good time while on a school recess vacation bare her breasts in public
in exchange for cheap Mardi Gras beads from a stranger filming her with a
video camera- you will want to see ninety-nine more.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Production began in 1971, but personnel, logistical and financial
problems resulted in it being shut down. After several stops and starts
over the years, it was finally completed and released in 1979, as "Monster." In 1980, as "Monstroid: It Came From the Lake."

"The story you are about to see is based on fact," Monstroid dutifully informs viewers before the action begins. "The incident occurred in June 1971 in Colombia." And what is Colombia like? Based on Monstroid's opening scene, it's a paradise wherein fully clothed dancing women entertain their sleepy husbands with semi-seductive dances. It's a great place to live… assuming you don't get eaten by shadowy lake creatures. A pollution-happy cement factory managed by Jim Mitchum,

JIM MITCHUM

a mustachioed capitalist who favors open shirts and has no time for pushy broadcast journalists apparently permanently assigned to cover mysterious happenings in small Colombian towns. But there's another story brewing, one kicked into high gear by the moonlit murder of a bikini-clad night-swimmer by what looks like a down-market cousin of Godzilla wearing a Fu Manchu mustache. And there, the film's excitement ends for a long, long stretch as the movie shifts its focus to more newscasts, the sonorous warnings of a local priest played by John Carradine,

JOHN CARRADINE

the development of photos, and in one thrilling sequence, Mitchum's call back to home base to request sonar equipment. And then his co-worker's fulfillment of that request, in a one-two punch. Viewers fond of watching phone conversations captured in their entirety will be on the edges of their seats. But after the miracle of sonar fails to prevent some drunken boatmen from falling prey to the monstroid, Mitchum decides to confront the threat head-on, force-feeding the beast a dinner of dynamite via a hands-on approach that the not-so-famous sons of lesser movie stars would never dare.

PHILIP CAREY

At last! Colombia is saved, and destined for no trouble whatsoever in the decade to come. Even the formerly confrontational newswoman has to give props, telling viewers via yet another live broadcast, "What you have just witnessed is not a movie of the week. It is not fiction… It is stranger than fiction, which the truth always is. It is something we will not be able to forget." She's wrong on all counts.

From MR.E. to You

I recently returned to school; as of yet I don't have a major, but I have had a lot of minors...
I was accused of "statutory rape," but my lawyer got the charge reduced to "unlawful entry"...
He argued, how can you call it "rape" if she was already dead?...
When found in a skid row motel with a missing girl's corpse in the bed, it's best to tell the authorities that the room was like that when you checked in...
As an international superstar I try to set an example by giving back to the world and consider my trolling tween chatrooms for confused and lonely girls with daddy-issues a vocation...
I formed a charity to help promiscuous teenage girls- get their start...
I'm single, but "carried a torch" for my ex just long enough to set fire to her new boyfriend's car...
I don't regret one day of our relationship- it was a Thursday...
I want a real skinny girl; not because I think it's sexy, but it's likely she'll have poor self-esteem or a drug problem (those chicks'll do anything!)...
However, I am a sucker for big tits...
My dream is to settle down with a woman with whom I can have a child she wont try to drown...