I’m in a place of finding out what I want and learning how to ask for it. Had a talk the other day with someone, where some sexual content came up, and I tried to process that today by asking for empathy online. I asked in two places. A facebook group, and on skype. I first got a response on skype, and this is the chat that followed:

Some idea of what our galaxy looks like from the outside.

[4:30:11 PM] feministsister: empathy

[4:30:20 PM] |nvclink| (63 online): It takes about up to 30 min. to find an available partner.

You can cancel your request during the search, but canceling is only for unforeseen events

Do you have that time to wait? (yes/no)

[4:30:32 PM] feministsister: yes

[4:30:36 PM] |nvclink| (63 online): To share samples of using NVC we would like to publish chat logs.

Would you like the chat to be

public – to have this chat published as Milla/finland

anonymous – to have this chat published anonymously

private – to avoid having this chat published

public/anonymous/private?

(you can change your preference during the chat as well)

[4:30:59 PM] feministsister: public

[4:31:00 PM] |nvclink| (63 online): Type ‘ringme’ if you want to receive an alert via a ring you when the request is accepted.

[4:50:08 PM] feministsister: i guess i want a connection where my comfort is important. last time, some months before we had had a talk where there was talk about touching and i didn’t feel comfortable with it. cause i want choice and trust that mutuality is important for the other.

[4:50:26 PM] feministsister: so i feel really sad about this happeniing ‘again’.

[4:58:59 PM] feministsister: i guess i can say yes to that. and also that i lack the connection.

[4:59:38 PM] feministsister: when seeing those images. that are supposed to be ‘sexy’. that in fact dictate to a lot of people what ‘sex’ is.

[5:00:20 PM] feministsister: a guy leading a woman. thrusting on top of her. pinning her down on the floor, holding her arms.

[5:00:54 PM] feministsister: so probably that i’m longing for a sexual expression from within myself but that i haven’t found it yet.

[5:01:08 PM] feministsister: and that it’s hard to find it with other people.

[5:01:13 PM] feministsister: –

[5:03:06 PM] feministsister: are you there?

[5:03:22 PM] |nvclink| (64 online): NYC_Guy : typing…

[5:03:23 PM] |nvclink| (64 online): NYC_Guy : hold…

[5:03:48 PM] |nvclink| (64 online): NYC_Guy : “so probably that i’m longing for a sexual expression from within myself but that i haven’t found it yet” is confusing to me. Do you mean you would like acceptance and/or self acceptance of your varous sexual interests, curiosities, tasts, distastes?

[5:06:12 PM] feministsister: that i’m longing for a space where i feel accepted and safe. and that i don’t do that with the images i described. cause those images say that it’s about power not about being sensitive and caring for one another but about overwhelming and taking over on one part and to give in and give up on the other.

[5:06:46 PM] feministsister: so for me to be able to find a sexual expression and to be safe to express myself. knowing that the other actually cares.

[5:07:07 PM] feministsister: cause the images that i describe they only bring fear to me.

[5:07:17 PM] feministsister: that i won’t find any space for myself.

[5:07:23 PM] feministsister: –

[5:09:34 PM] |nvclink| (64 online): NYC_Guy : Do you have a need for safty and to know that sexuality you want will be avaiable? And that you will be able to avoid forms of sexuality you don’t want? –

[5:10:07 PM] feministsister: yes. and also that i’m wanted.

[5:10:33 PM] feministsister: to be able to trust that i’m wanted.

[5:10:47 PM] feministsister: as a whole human being.

[5:11:50 PM] feministsister: i’m really messed up with human relations in general. and it saddens me that i can’t think of any better strategy to meet my need for safety

[5:11:54 PM] feministsister: and own space

[5:12:04 PM] feministsister: than to just be by myself

[5:12:09 PM] feministsister: completely by myself.

[5:12:29 PM] feministsister: at least i try now to ask for empathy. and i think i’m going in a better direction that way

[5:12:38 PM] feministsister: but loneliness is hard.

[5:12:51 PM] feministsister: and it’s sad that contact with others feels so hurtful to me

[5:13:08 PM] feministsister: and that it can have such impact on how i feel about myself

[5:13:11 PM] feministsister: –

[5:13:20 PM] |nvclink| (63 online): NYC_Guy : reading

[5:14:35 PM] |nvclink| (66 online): NYC_Guy : Are you feeling sadness and would like to trust that your lovers will know you, cares about you, will be there to support and listen to you?

[5:15:03 PM] feministsister: is it my turn to talk?

[5:15:22 PM] |nvclink| (66 online): NYC_Guy : sorry! yes! –

[5:15:26 PM] feministsister: okay.

[5:15:38 PM] feministsister: well that

[5:15:46 PM] feministsister: people in general would care about me

[5:16:04 PM] feministsister: and that random people wouldn’t put some form of sexuality in my face

[5:16:14 PM] feministsister: without first checking with me if i’m okay with that

[5:16:22 PM] feministsister: and also if they could verbalize

[5:16:30 PM] feministsister: what they mean by bringing it up

[5:16:56 PM] feministsister: i live in a world where my body isn’t my own

[5:17:06 PM] feministsister: and where sexual expression is used to dominate

[5:17:16 PM] feministsister: to ‘put me in place’

[5:17:32 PM] feministsister: so even getting to a place where

[5:17:53 PM] feministsister: i don’t speaking about ‘lovers’ feels like a fantasy dimension to me that i don’t have access to

[5:20:32 PM] |nvclink| (66 online): NYC_Guy : Would you really like trust and playfulness and ease around sex in your life?

[5:20:35 PM] |nvclink| (66 online): NYC_Guy : –

[5:21:31 PM] feministsister: yes. and that people don’t put ‘sexual’ stuff in front of me without checking how i feel about it.

[5:22:13 PM] feministsister: dunno. we’ve been chatting for more than 40 minutes now. i appreciate you taking the time. responding to a stranger asking for empathy.

[5:22:48 PM] feministsister: i would like to post this chat on a blog that i have. would you be okay with that? is there anything else you’d like to say?

[5:22:48 PM] feministsister: –

[5:24:51 PM] |nvclink| (70 online): NYC_Guy : Feel free to connect w/ me at NYC_Guy80 on skype. AS LONG AS YOU ARE VERY CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE THAT THAT ID IS NOT IN THE BLOG then sure, nothing else is private as far as I’m concnered except my name. Let me think if there is anything else I’d like to ask…

[5:26:56 PM] feministsister: okay i hear that it’s okay with you to post our chat if your id and name is not mentioned. would you be okay saying a name i could use instead of ‘Your Name’? and also wanting to hear what else you want to share 🙂

[5:27:51 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : NYC_Guy would be a fine name for me, I think.

[5:28:03 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : do you want to connect on skype directly, by the way?

[5:28:09 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : (no pressure)

[5:29:09 PM] feministsister: i have a lot of issues to sort out in my life. it would be nice to talk some more. but i would also like to have a time limit set so that it doesn’t ‘drag’ on for ‘too long’.

[5:29:44 PM] feministsister: if you’re up for half an hour more then that would be nice.

[5:29:55 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : When something shows up that is suddently sexual, you sometimes feel confused? There might be expectations that you might feel pressured to meet? –

[5:30:23 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : I’d rather do 5 more min now and pick it up another time directly on skype if that worked for u?

[5:31:29 PM] feministsister: well. i think i would rather have those five minutes used hearing what was going on for you during the talk. would you be okay sharing?

[5:35:36 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : is there something specific about my experiences you would want to know? –

[5:36:46 PM] feministsister: i guess anything you’d care to share – it can be related to anything – like what it felt like reflecting, or what memories awoke in you, or … anything 🙂 whatever is ‘alive’ and you feel comfortable sharing 🙂

[5:37:07 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : I’m finding myself curious about who you are, how old, how much sexual expereince you have had (auto and w/ others) and how satisfying those experiences have been. Wanting to trust that you will have wondeful, joyful sexual and love experineces in your life moving forward, wanting to be a contribution to you.

[5:38:11 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : I would love to have poweful answers to help you (in addition to emapthy) so I’m sad that I probiby don’t.

[5:39:51 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : (Not asking you to ANSWER any of my questions, by the way…) –

–

[5:40:26 PM] |nvclink| (73 online): NYC_Guy : Oh, wanting to know if my empathy was supportive? How I could have done better at supporting you.

[5:41:24 PM] feministsister: it warms me hearing that you wish me a loving life. i hear your eagerness to contribute. for me the empathy was supportive. i enjoyed that you didn’t go back to your own experiences (speaking in ‘i’ form.) and that you kept focus on me by the choice of words.

[5:41:42 PM] feministsister: also that it went fairly quickly arranging how to use the talking stick.

[5:42:01 PM] feministsister: cause that sometimes takes some time, and then i lose energy.

[5:42:31 PM] feministsister: so the kind of feedback and response you gave was helpful for me.

[5:42:39 PM] feministsister: thank you.

[5:42:58 PM] feministsister: is there anything else you want to say or hear before we finish?

[5:42:59 PM] feministsister: –

[5:43:47 PM] |nvclink| (74 online): NYC_Guy : I’m feeling moved by your saying it was helpful. My eyes teared up a little. Would you like to be buddies here on skype?

[5:44:13 PM] |nvclink| (74 online): NYC_Guy : and how do you do the talking stick thing when talking verbally? –

[5:45:04 PM] feministsister: well usually there’s not such a need for a talking stick when using voice. it’s easier to sense when the other is finished.

[5:45:09 PM] feministsister: has finished..

[5:46:20 PM] feministsister: i didn’t understand the buddy request. if you mean that you would like to exchange empathy with me, then i’m up for it. was this what you were asking?

[5:46:21 PM] feministsister: –

[5:46:21 PM] |nvclink| (74 online): NYC_Guy : oh, ok, cool. What sorts of situations have you feeling most like your body is not owned by you? I’m courious about that? (need to jump in shower soon.) –

[5:47:09 PM] |nvclink| (74 online): NYC_Guy : ah, I’m headed down to Occupy Wall Street soon. In skype, one can make someone a buddy so you know when they are on line and can text them directly w/o having to go though NVClink.

[5:48:34 PM] feministsister: i’m okay with having that type of contact. but i’m not the type of person having exchanges with people. like i’m dealing with depression, and right now trying to get regular and irregular emapthy exchanges with people who are interested in that.

[5:49:24 PM] feministsister: so what i’m trying to say is that sure we can get direct contact on skype but that i’m unlikely to use it… unless you’re interested in having an empathy exchange with me, which is also a way of getting to know a person.

[5:49:27 PM] feministsister: –

[5:49:32 PM] feministsister: id: feministsister

[5:50:06 PM] feministsister: so. i guess i have nothing more to say right now. thanks again for the support.

[5:50:11 PM] feministsister: take care 🙂

[5:50:14 PM] feministsister: ❤

.

And myself processing the same event and relation a couple of days after the incident of sending a link with sexual content. Quoting myself sending a message on facebook, and using my own wall to freely express myself.

Here’s some pdf files with the building blocks of nvc – nonviolent communication – and how to navigate, step by step. Simple, and hopefully useful.

If you have any comments / ideas on how to make the process more clear, please let it be known. My email: milla.ahola (at) gmail.com

If you would like to have the flow chart in other languages, I welcome you to send me the text (with the english version next to it – so i can see what snippet belongs where) and I can make you a version in whatever language you wish to see 🙂

Any comments / corrections on the translation of the spanish version are also welcome since it’s mostly done by me searching for phrases and words online. I have no idea how it sounds to a person who actually speaks the language.