US to team up with Godzilla to battle Islamic State

Secretary of State John Kerry, seen here in Tokyo on Thursday struggling to explain to members of the Japanese press how Godzilla might help to defeat the Islamic State.

Secretary of State John Kerry flew to Tokyo Wednesday night for talks with Japanese defense officials aimed at enlisting the help of monster anti-hero Godzilla as the Obama administration seeks to form a diverse coalition against the Islamic State terror army.

A giant lizard infamous for destructive rampages through downtown Tokyo may seem an unlikely choice of ally in the war against radical Islam, but with the U.S. in effect already fighting on the same side as the theocratic mullahs of Iran and the dictatorial Syrian regime of Bashar al-Assad, observers say that all bets are off in the rapidly changing geopolitical landscape of the Middle East.

America’s ambassador to the United Nations Samantha Power spoke to reporters after the vote. “Some people will say, can we trust Godzilla not to start eating anyone he sees? Is he really a friend of humanity? Sometimes you have to make difficult choices. We say, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

Some analysts see a longer-term strategy at play. “If Godzilla does get involved in Iraq and possibly Syria, the administration may hope that he will then turn his attention to Iran’s nuclear program to feed his appetite for atomic radiation,” said Ben Carter of London’ s Institute for Strategic Studies. “If Godzilla could deal a blow to ISIS and also set back Iran’s weapons ambitions, it would be quite a coup for Obama.”

As well as being sustained by radiation, the monster is also partial to munching on Tokyo metro cars, and military planners will be hoping that he will acquire a taste for the armed pickup trucks favored by IS.

Godzilla is not motivated to attack by predatory instinct, but if engaged by IS fighters he will undoubtedly defend himself. His signature weapon is his “atomic breath,” a nuclear blast that he unleashes from his jaws in the form of a radioactive heat ray.

He is immune to conventional weapons thanks to his scaly skin and ability to regenerate, and, as a result of surviving an atomic explosion which awakened him from undersea hibernation, he cannot be destroyed by anything less powerful than a nuclear weapon.

Some analysts have noted that while Godzilla is sometimes the lesser of two threats who plays the defender by default, the beast is still a danger to humanity. “Godzilla does not like humans but will fight alongside humanity against common threats, such as Destoroyah or Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster,” said Charles Woods, curator of the Smithsonian Institute’s giant lizard collection. “However, he makes no special effort to protect human life or property and will turn against its human allies on a whim.”

Another skeptic is Republican senator Lindsey Graham who last night slammed the decision. “This is just another desperate attempt by this administration to make up for the blunders that have marked their policy in Syria and Iraq. If we’d armed moderate Syrian rebels a year ago, we wouldn’t have to enlist the help of a giant Japanese atomic lizard.

“If he turns on friendly troops and American advisors it’ll give a whole new meaning to ‘green on blue’ attacks,” added the senator, referencing a military term for the insider attacks in Afghanistan in which local security forces have turned their weapons on their American comrades.

Should the worst-case scenario of Godzilla going rogue unfold, the White House is said to be preparing National Security Adviser Susan Rice to do the rounds of the Sunday morning talk shows to deny that the Obama Administration was in any way involved in the plan.