Courtship: ‘Seeking God’s Will and Being a Gift to One Another’

By Henrietta Gomes HERALD Staff Writer (From the Issue of 2/8/07)

2/08/07

In a society that glorifies lust and encourages instant
gratification, it is hard work to engage in a faithful and
chaste relationship, but it is possible. After one has
discerned that it is God's will for them to enter into the
sacrament of marriage, the Church calls for an honorable
"courtship," (CCC no.1632). The fact that "courtship" is not
often heard or implemented in the secular world might make it
seem heavy or even rigid at first glance.
"It tends to get a negative reaction because it sounds
old-fashioned," said Mary-Rose Lombard, who serves as the
diocesan coordinator of Young Adult Ministry and Family Life
Enrichment. However, Lombard said, "Courtship is an exclusive
relationship that keeps marriage in mind." The most important
aspect of courtship, she said, is first having a relationship
with Christ and receiving the sacraments regularly." Lombard
also noted that any relationship must first begin as a
friendship, and then possibly "graduate to courtship."
Christian courtship is different from what the world
considers dating. The dating culture evolved from what was
once known as courtship, prior to the invention of the
automobile, said Father Jerome Magat, parochial vicar of St.
Elizabeth Church in Colonial Beach and St. Anthony Mission
Church in King George. Father Magat, who recently gave a talk
on courtship at Theology on Tap, said a young man would
usually spend time with the girl in the presence of her
siblings, cousins, and even her parents at their house. With
the accessibility of the automobile, the priest said, "it
totally changed the dynamics and modified
dating."
The couple would go out and "one of the fruits was they were
able to spend time alone with their potential spouse and talk
about things they might not have been able to around younger
siblings." The downside, however, the priest said, was that
it often "led to an occasion of sin."
Fast forward through an escalation of moral depravity over
the years, and now dating for some has become a mere hobby,
said Father Magat. "Some people just enjoy the chase with no
eye toward marriage." Catholics who enter into relationships,
he said, "must enter with marriage in mind and
change 'dating' into a more chaste experience."
When entering into a courtship or "dating" the priest said,
the man or woman must have a list of "non-negotiables." One
must also ask themselves if the other person is the kind of
person they could potentially marry. Some questions might
include, "Is this the kind of person who would put their
vocation over their career? Would this person wake up in the
middle of the night to change a diaper?"
Due to the often promiscuous nature of dating in secular
society it often leads to cohabitation, said Father Magat.
Aside from going against Church teachings, there are many
perils of cohabitation. At a superficial glance, moving in
together before the wedding may seem appealing to some on a
few levels. Some say they want to "make sure we're able to
live together when we're married," or "we're getting married,
anyway."
However, cohabitating lowers the chances of a healthy,
stable marriage. According to studies, couples who are living
according to Church teachings have only a 5 percent chance of
divorce, whereas once the couple begins deviating from the
Church by using contraception, it "balloons up to 53 percent,
and if couples have been cohabitating it adds on another 40
percent chance of divorce," said Father Magat.
If couples are cohabitating before marriage, "they are not
really getting married with the sacrament in mind," he said.
"It undermines the marital vocation. Trial marriage doesn't
work because it's not a life of sacrifice. The couple just
indulges each other it's a dead end, road to
nowhere. It's not consistent with sacramental prep. In fact,
it's virtually impossible for sacramental prep to take
place."
Cohabitation, contraception and other sexual sins are a
result of a thwarted understanding of the human person. In
the late Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body, he tells
his audience that the truth of God is revealed through the
human body, and that the very meaning of life is inscribed in
the human body.
The Theology of the Body "came at a time concurrent with the
cult of the body," said Father Magat. "The advent of the
Theology of the Body as a school of thought couldn't have
come at a better time. It was a response to the cult of the
body." He explained the "cult of the body" as the obsession
with the body and forgetting about the soul. With the rise of
"spas, gyms, Botox, silicone, diet pills, Viagra, Lavitra
people think they've discovered the fountain of
youth," the priest said. People often mistake the endorphin
release during exercise and caring for the body as "spiritual
well being. You could be endorphed up, but still be in mortal
sin. The human person is a body and soul composite, so one
should not take care of one at the expense of the other," he
said. When one properly understands the meaning of the body,
one will be able to become "a gift to each other," which is
what John Paul says in his writing.
Catholics, the priest said, must be distinguished in their
dating habits. Regardless of the state of the secular world,
the priest has hope. Young people are "hungry for an
alternative way of life and love," the priest said. He said
more young people are entering into chaste relationships.
Lombard echoed the priest's words, "Christian courtship
includes striving to support each other in keeping the
relationship pure and helping each other grow in holiness,"
she said.
Essentially, the relationship must be based on the
supernatural if it is intended to work. Keeping in mind that
the ultimate goal is leading each other to the eternal glory
of heaven, perhaps the faithful can learn self-donation and
being a "gift" to one another through the best possible
example of true love - Christ on the Cross, who offered
Himself for the sake of His bride, the Church. Henrietta
Gomes can be reached at hgomes@catholicherald.com.