BY ROBIN BLAKELY

Sometimes the
very thing you lack is what makes you stand out. Mr. KABC
lacks a real name, phone screeners, a producer and an agenda.
There are no contrived topics, no prerecorded comedy and no
planted callers: "just little old Mr. KABC and a

His words are
fresh and instinctively well-chosen, and like a seasoned
comedian, he punches key phrases quickly.

"Nefarious?
Well, it depends. Do you consider world domination nefarious?
You do? All right, then."

He's a guy who
knows when to dance around issues, but he generally faces
each caller with a kind of blunt benevolence. He's polite in
the most impolite way.

"Hey,
whoever has the gun to your head making you talk about O.J.
-- please, make them put that gun down!"

He's skilled
at being confrontational in an acceptable way.

"My
hidden agenda? My agenda isn't hidden; it's out in the open,
or haven't you noticed that yet?"

His callers
genuinely amuse him, but he takes every opportunity to
initiate a verbal sparring match.

"Did you
say chili from a pump? Mmmm, you can just taste that
botulism. I guess Mormons love chili from the pump. Is that
right?"

"Ask Mr.
KABC," broadcast on KABC-AM 640 weeknights from 9 p.m.
to midnight, is light and comedic with serious undertones.
The host covers a broad range of headline news and popular
culture.

"When I
do the show, it's the very best part of my day," he
said. "I love sitting behind the microphone and talking
to people. It's the most natural thing I do. I can have a
crappy day or be tired, but the minute the microphone turns
on, none of it matters."

On the air,
the mystery man, who never reveals his real name to his
listeners, becomes a larger-than-life persona.

"Part of
the reason I'm somewhat anonymous with my name is because I
can be more honest that way," he admitted. "I don't
have to worry about my personal security or my family. People
really think they know me; and, for the most part, they
really do. Sometimes someone will call me up and say,
'Remember when your mom did that?' They're remembering
something I said six months ago. It's funny how much I reveal
of myself. It's all true, and it's all honest, and people
respond to that."

Once in a
while his vivid imagination teams up with his relentless
quest for the funny quip, giving birth to another Mr. KABC
legend.

"There are a lot rumors
circulating about who I am and what my background is all
about," he pointed out. "Most of the myths have
been started by me. Sometimes people choose to believe I am
in prison or that I'm out of prison due to an overturned
conviction. The top myth is that I'm much older than 28.
People are usually surprised by my age and think I'm much
older."

The truth is
that Mr. KABC established for himself. It didn't come easy.
While completing a political science degree at UC Santa
Barbara, he worked his way up in radio. His first job at
Santa Barbara radio station KTMS gave him the opportunity to
learn the business.

"At a
certain point early in my career I realized that I'd done
every job in that radio station that they were going to let
me do," he explained. "The only way I was going to
become program director was if the program director died.
And, well, he was in pretty good shape, so I quit."

The next thing
he knew, he was a 23-year-old with his foot in the door at
KABC. Once inside, he made the most of every opportunity in
the big-time environment. Working his way through the ranks,
he eventually pitched an idea for a show to Program Director
David Hall. That was about three years ago, and, as a result,
"Ask Mr. KABC" was launched from the dubious 2
a.m.-to-4 a.m. time slot.

Mr. KABC grins
at the decision now.

"I guess
David's philosophy was that if the show blew up on the
launching pad -- under the cover of darkness -- no one would
know," he said.

But the show
survived liftoff.

"I chose
the name Mr. KABC because it's easy to remember," the
answer man said. "I knew it would stand out. And if the
show failed miserably, I figured I'd get another shot using
my real name."

But he didn't
need another shot.

"My voice
and what I do is distinctive enough that you just know it's
me," he explained. "I think a lot of people who are
on the air are nasty, unhappy people and it comes through on
the air. If you listen to me for any amount of time, you know
my true colors and my true beliefs. You can't fake that kind
of stuff, because sooner or later you get trapped. There are
a lot of people out there who are disingenuous -- a lot of
phonies. But you can't run from who you really are when you
do talk radio long enough."

And when you
do it long enough, it looks easier than it really is.

"Sometimes
people think I have the easiest job in the world," he
said. "You sit down and talk three hours a day. How hard
can that be? But what they don't take into consideration is
that I'm prepping all day."

The mystery
talk jock reads six newspapers every day; he checks online
services, reads the newspapers, reviews the tons of stuff
sent to him daily by fans, and scans a huge range of
magazines from Time to Playboy to Self. That's all before
showtime. He works at home, which he shares with his
at KEZY-FM. His job may seem easy, but it requires that he
ration his energy for the intensity of the three- hour
nightly air shift.

The struggle
to maintain the upperhand and cope with the never-ending
assault of the unknown caller is one of Mr. KABC's favorite
aspects of his on-air performance. Without a call screener,
Mr. KABC never knows what to expect. He cannot choose from a
menu of callers and their interests displayed on a computer
screen. Never knowing what to expect requires a special
approach. For many, the fun of getting through to Mr. KABC is
the chance to knock him off balance during the three hour
verbal jousting match.

"If
there's someone I really disagree with, or someone who really
bothers me, instead of yelling at them or calling them idiots
or blowing them up, I like to just give them as much rope as
possible and let them hang themselves," said the verbal
executioner. "Radio is at its best when someone has been
given too much rope."

He's skilled
at providing callers with rope, but the most unique thing
about "Ask Mr. KABC," is not what he does but what
he doesn't do.

"I'm not
an activist; I'm not trying to change the world," he
said. "I'm just trying to do an entertaining show for
three hours a night so that it will compel you to come
back."

Recently Mr.
KABC fielded a call from Stephanie Miller, whose recent
departure from the 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. shift opened the door for
his full-time schedule on the station. She sounded wistful
even as she was embarking on her long-sought television
comedy show.

"I miss
you," she said.

And between
shifts, so do thousands of his "minions" across 14
states. But that's the magic of the mystery man: "little
old Mr. KABC and his 50,000-watt microphone."