Jon, Leta, and I are spending a leisurely Saturday afternoon shopping at a nearby outdoor mall and hop into a furniture store just to browse what’s new. We test out a few couches, inspect a few coffee tables, and Leta admires several large pillows. She sees a gigantic floor pillow covered in a soft zebra pattern and declares that she would like one of those right now, please. I check its price tag, gag on the idea of handing over a mortgage payment for a pillow that would no doubt be covered in Capri Sun stains within ten minutes of being in our house, and declare that it will not be coming home with us. But she said please. Yeah, and I said no. But she said the whole thing nicely. Yeah, and your point is? Mama would very much like a bigger set of tits right now, please. See how that didn’t work?

Jon and I head toward the exit and can feel the temperature in the room rising with Leta’s anger, and suddenly she throws her body face first onto the floor. We step over her body and pretend that we don’t know whose kid that is, remarking to each other that some people really need to learn to get control over their rotten offspring, and when she sees that it’s fourth down and twenty yards to go she turns over on her back and yells up from the floor, “OH MY GOD THE HELL.”

Both Jon and I whip around and give her The Menacing Stare, the So Help Me God I Will Risk Going To Prison If That’s What This Is Going To Take kind of glare, and when she makes eye contact with us she yells it again, only this time lingering on the last syllable as if she were singing the national anthem: “OH MY GOD THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLL!”

I march over to her horizontal body, pick her up and throw her over my shoulder like one might do a friend who has passed out from too much tequila and needs to be moved so that you don’t run her over when you back out of the driveway, and quickly transport her outside. There I set her down, and then I squat so that my face is about a centimeter from hers and inform her that what she just did was totally unacceptable. And I think the speed with which that whole maneuver takes place has scared the living HELLLLLLLLLLLLL out of her because her lower lip starts to tremble and she says, “Okay, Mama.” I ask her if she knows what she did wrong, but she is too terrified to answer me. If my dad had been standing there he would have given me a high five as this is the patented Hamilton Method of parenting.

“Leta, we told you never to use those words outside of the house, remember?”

“Yes, Mama,” she says, a tear forming in her right eye.

“And if you ever do this again you’re not going to be allowed to use those words inside the house either. You understand?”

………..

Jon and Leta have gone upstairs to have breakfast, and I stumble in about thirty minutes later half awake, half dead. I head straight for Jon to give him a hug and thank him for getting up with the kid, and as we’re lingering in a sleepy embrace Leta shouts, “Let’s do a family hug!”

She hops down from the table where she is eating a bowl of Fruit Loops, runs over to us, and we pick her up and nuzzle her neck while squeezing each other to the point of discomfort. I give her a final kiss on the forehead before setting her down, and as I go to give Jon a kiss she proudly stares up at both of us as if we’re her children and have just graduated with honors. “That right there…” she says, “…that was a damn good family hug.”

Related:

As a K teacher, my vocab consists of humdingers like “oh, poop”, so I envy Leta’s adult lexicon. Seriously, sometimes those family hugs ARE damn fine.

Brynne

Aaaahahahaha… I had to come over here instead of just reading the RSS feed because I KNEW there would be comment GOLD on this one…

I’m surprised more trolls haven’t spoken up! I was totally expecting a civil war over here.

And yes, please please please publish some of the choicer hate emails… I know you’re gonna get some doozies.

http://bethalea.blogspot.com just beth

wahahahaha! I tried that with my (now) twelve year old. the whole, ‘mama can say that, but YOU CAN’T (outsidethehouse)’. then, he got suspended last year for screaming FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK in the hallway of his middle school.

I fucking love him.

xo

b.

*(yeah, turns out, he had good reson. BUT. STILL. NOT. OK. snicker.)*

jensixpack

Thank you for comment 157, Astrogirl426! I had the same reaction to Deanna’s (doubtless well-intentioned) post. But then again, I have a four year old. And dang! Whadda ya know? She acts like a frikkin child all the time.

When my niece was 5 and came for a visit we met her at the airport. She ran to us all open arms and smiles and called out in her piercing little girl voice: “Auntie! Auntie!! Guess what? I have a VAGINA!”

Many were the withering stares.

Natalie

I was convinced when I was a child that I would go to hell if I swore – I thought it broke a commandment, so when I heard a teenager say fuck on the street one day ( i must have been about 5) I told my mom that he said the f word, and she asked me what the f word was. I wouldn’t tell her and started crying because she wanted me to say it and then I would go to hell.

Things have *ahem* changed a little since then!

Rachael

Great story! It reminds me of one about my sister when she was about three years old – it was Christmas time, 1981, the weather was hot and the car didn’t have aircon, so all the windows were down. Dad and my sister were picking up some last minute supplies for Mum and the carpark was backed up with fraught, last minute shoppers. Right in front of Dad was a terrible parker – she was doing about a million point turn and a queue was forming. Dad was muttering under his breath – but not quietly enough as it turns out. Next thing my sister has her head out the window, yelling “you stupid bloody bitch” at the driver in question. We’ve never let her forget it. Not sure what it says about our family, but we think it’s hilarious.

Anonymous

I wish I had that kind of freedom when I was a kid. I wasn’t even allowed to say “eyeball” because it didn’t sound nice.

My husband thinks small children cussing is the cutest thing in the world and thinks everyone else should think so too. He would have our 3 yr old tell visitors all the words he new, which was pretty much all of them, We’ve always had a rule at our house that you can say any word you want in your room, although you can’t stand in your doorway and yell profanity at your siblings. When my youngest was in Kindergarten, he came home with a note from his teacher, “Your son has been trying out ‘fuck’ both writing it and saying it, we’ve had ‘the talk’. My husbands only question was if he spelled it right. The kid is doomed!

Sarah

Damn good post!

http://www.successfulwebwomen.com Successful Web Women

I love this story!
Yani

http://daddyscratches.com Daddy Scratches

Jeez, and my wife keeps getting upset if I accidentally cuss in front of the kids. She is robbing us of all of this adorable juvenile profanity! Damn her to HELLL!

Amanda

Oh man that second little snippet was the best post I have ever read on dooce! So cute!

Your girl’s got a potty mouth! I’d be proud too.

http://www.smartinibar.blogspot.com Megan

Holy crap, this post makes me laugh like the mother of a four year old that I am!

Excellent (appropriate) use of a cuss word, Leta!

cc

OH MY GOD THE HELL, Debra @248!!!

Anonymous

Fucking seventh!

http://bmukhtiar.blogspot.com/ Banno

Oh, damn the God damn helllllll.

robyn

Our parenting is very similar. Instead of ‘inside voices and outside voices’, we have ‘inside words and outside words’…..

http://www.gorkyrises.com gorky

It’s just language. The important thing is to use it correctly and in the appropriate situations.

Leta gets an ‘A’.

http://www.giovannadiaries.blogspot.com/ Giovanna Diaries

I hate to admit it, but I love when kids talk like adults. It totally cracks me up. My kids aren’t as cool as Leta the most they say is “I have two words for you….shut and up.” Thanks Shrek!
On the other hand, I do have a little Casanova. One of my little guys is drawn to girls like moth to a flame.
We went walking around a lake by our house and there were 3 ladies walking their dogs and he rides his bike over to them and says “Hiiiiiiiii Girls!” And I swear, I could almost see a wink! He’ll be 5 next month!

The clip above absolutely fits here and just cracks me the helllllllllllll up each time I watch it.

http://www.theotherlion.blogspot.com Erika

Reminds me of the day a preschooler told me he could see my coochie. (which he could not because I was wearing pants and underwear) or the many times my son has decided to make himself throw up in public. Some people’s kids. =)

Rose

Hi

Another classic, dooce.

But am I alone in being confused as to why Heather was upset with Leta saying ‘Oh My God The Hell’. Was it because of what other people in the store might think when they heard it?

That phrase would not be considered a curse where I come from (Holy Catholic Ireland). Maybe the disapproval over the use of “God” and “hell” is an American thing?

Rose

http://www.nathanpralle.com/blog/ Nathan Pralle

HA! I love it. If words are the writers sword, no doubt Leta will be a silent ninja in the night with a brace of small, sharp objects at the ready to thunk into someone’s unsuspecting, quivering body. Well done.

http://shoeism.wordpress.com Therese

You know, I think the fact that she learned her lesson so well, and used “damn” correctly in context, well, that’s just magical.

I also think it must feel good to have The Parental Stare Power. It’s kind of like the Teacher Stares And Class Quiets Down Power; not everyone has it.

Heather

Hard to believe its the same kid. At least she remembered where it was appropriate to use those kinds of words

Abbie

You two are by far the best parents ever… I wish my parents had had those rules!

http://reavolution.wordpress.com reavolution

That was pure awesome! Nothing worked better on me than my mother putting the fear of G-o-d into my heart…and then finding out my dad didn’t mind when I used those words anywhere. Oh, divorced parents provided so much good leverage as a child.

Jes

I think the neighbors probably heard me laughing with glee after that one. Thanks for giving the morning a positive spin

Anonymous

My two favorites that my 7 year old niece uttered around the age of 3. Calling her grandfather an “idiot shit” in the car for bad driving AND in response to her mother calling her smarty pants, “Well you’re a bastard pants.”

Erin

I love when kids swear!

Marissa

I love it!

Carley

Too cute!

http://vastjourney.blogspot.com Jaimie

I just wanted to leave a comment (the comments are usually closed by the time I read your posts) saying that I LOVE reading your blog!! I adore your snark

You are a superb writer…and seem to have the BEST source of material to write about!!

Leta’s frickin hilarious!! (well, so are you )

Jaimie (just a lurker)

http://almostlucid.com Brad

You know, I’ve never heard that approach before (allowing “strong” words only inside the house). I’m not against it, but I just never considered it. I’ve been saying “shucks!” and “fooey!” for 5 years now, although I will admit to getting worked up over something and reverting to a normal and heated adult expression.

I don’t think I’ll change now, but it does give me a thought about the future, when they’re older and I’ve clearly spent all of the patience that’s given to one person in a lifetime.

Becca

Love it.. too funny!

http://www.crazylovescompany.wordpress.com crazylovescompany

I love it. This is the type of thing they don’t have in those parenting books. I’m going to get all my parenting advice from your posts. Kid due in December, please keep it coming.

Tonya Cinnamon

chuckling…. gotta love the kidlets…:D

Bons

Loved it- I needed that this morning!

My nephew Kyle, when he was 3, was visiting my very strict baptist in-laws, and my father in law went outside to check on him just in time to hear Kyle yelling as he chased their chickens around the yard “Come back here, you Mother F-ers!” My father in law was so tickled, he couldn’t say a word to him and came back into the house to tell my mother in law. This woman, who I’ve never heard say more than the occasional ‘shit’ when she gets REALLY frustrated over something, replied to father in law, “Let him come out with one of those big Fucks around me, and I’ll whoop that ass!”

I don’t know who was funnier hearing it from – her or my nephew!

http://seeemilyknit.blogspot.com Emily

I think Leta’s just doing her part to balance out Utah a little bit and hell, I think that’s damned awesome.

http://elegraph.blogspot.com kg

As my son is only 14 months old, he has not yet put words to the tantrum, so he still just communicates in random shrieks and screams… OMGTH, is this what I have to look forward to when he doesn’t get his way in public?

Is this a phrase she learned verbatim, or is it a hybrid of phrases… because if it is the latter, Leta is a genius.

http://www.chaos4jp.blogspot.com JP

Damn, that’s one hell of a kid you got there.

Hilarious.

Rebecca

Heather- Explain, please, how you can allow your 3 year old daughter to curse in your home, but you don’t want her to curse outside of the home? “CHARACTER” is who we are when no one is looking. As a parent, don’t you think it is YOUR responsibility to teach that little girl some character? Love you, Heather… Love your writing… But I have to tell you, I have seen the end result of this kind of parenting and it isn’t pretty. Do the world, and Leta a favor… TEACH LETA CHARACTER! I think we’ve had enough of charasmatic people with absolutely no character whatsoever.

Me

It only gets better from here. I’d told my friend to curb his language before his child was born. He didn’t listen. As an avid sports gambler, he watches a lot of football with his daughter on multiple TVs in the living room. One particular SUNDAY when the church group is over for a get-together, the TVs have all the games on and my friend is rooting for the visiting team. His daughter, 3 1/2 at the time, hearing the home crowd cheer lets the F word fly while sitting in the preacher’s lap. When the entire room turns to look at her, she said ‘Oops.’ then looks at the preacher and starts to cry that she doesn’t want to go to hell!!!

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