i am like you - if i'm hosting, i'm hosting. I've a few unfortunate "contributions" from people who "had to" bring something, as well as the people who "had to" help and who had volunteered to bring all the color coordinated paper goods - and then forgot them at home (4 hour drive away). so thank you very much, i've got it all under control.

I like DeeTee's line - you can ask people to bring wine, soft drinks (be specific) or ice. Or you can delegate dessert if you like. but don't feel you have to , and don't feel guilty about saying "just bring yourselves! so we're plannng pre-meal nibbles at 1, and we'd like to sit down to eat at 2".

My thought is if there is a glimmer of a chance that folks would be watching football, that munchies, soda or ice are a good idea.

It's hard though! I love to host and don't like to "impose" on people to bring things. But when I'm the guest, I hate arriving empty-handed . Wine is a good idea, but if you don't drink, you can't have too many non-alcoholic drinks.

And I do need to be aware of that "hate to arrive empty-handed" thing. In the aunts' generation, they *did* pitch in and bring food, and help cook, etc., for family gatherings. It may have been at one aunt's house, but it was more of a joint production.

So I'm going to have to navigate between those two urges--theirs to help out and feel part of the holiday, and mine to just be able to operate freely.

(Sometimes it's as much a logistical thing as an "I have my pride" thing*. My MIL and FIL pressured me into letting them take over the graduation lunch and hold it in a restaurant partly because they thought I was starting late and would have too much to do, and MIL was not feeling well enough to do what she would do--and any delay on my part was because I was trying to accommodate MIL in terms of planning an event good enough for her. I learned my lesson out of that--I'm a grownup; I've thrown parties for 35 people before; I know how to do this without any help. And it's just easier than worrying about hurting people's feelings, or letting them have "their space" inside the planning process, etc. And I ended up not pleasing them anyway. And *really* not pleasing myself.)

*I'll be honest, some of it very much is an "I'll do it myself" feelings--I end up thinking, "what am I, a toddler?"

This might not be a popular opinion but I do think you are being a bit childish. For years the family has done Thanksgiving a certain way, and now not only are the aunts to sick to host, you want to tell them they can't contribute at all? I can see this causing a lot of hurt feelings and resentment. Personally I'd so this year as semi potluck and each year that you host you can slowly ease out of the potluck and into fully hosting.

"And I do need to be aware of that "hate to arrive empty-handed" thing. In the aunts' generation, they *did* pitch in and bring food, and help cook, etc., for family gatherings. It may have been at one aunt's house, but it was more of a joint production.

So I'm going to have to navigate between those two urges--theirs to help out and feel part of the holiday, and mine to just be able to operate freely."

So Toots knows that the aunts are used to at least being able to participate and feel part of the holiday but she wants to just be able to operate freely with nothing from them. I can see it making them feel totally shut out if they all pitched in before.

I like Deetee suggestion also, and the thing about "traditions" is that they become monopolized by certain people. Eventually someone else has to be given the chance. For practical reasons you might want to focus on the dinner and Hors d'oeuvres, and leave the drinks and deserts to other people. I know from my mom cook thanksgiving is that desert was the odd man our. It was generally baked a day before, and if something like cookies, had the tendency to be eaten before the actual meal itself.

As for your in laws, say you have it handled, and bean dip. If they get anxious or angry, they can keep it to themselves.