The NFL provided two DUI arrests over the weekend, forcing me to try to give a different spin on the tired "these guys are idiots" refrain.

First up: the Bears' Cedric Benson, who tarnished his "the cops were picking on me" story in his ongoing drunken-while-boating case by getting picked up for DUI. The details are pretty dull: cops say Benson ran a red light and failed sobriety tests, while Benson — who refused Breathalyzer and blood tests — claims he had only two or three drinks over several hours, that the light was yellow, and that he passed the sobriety tests. Ya know, because people who take the tests are the best ones to judge such a thing.

Also hitting the blotter by driving blotto was NFL great and former Raiders quarterback Kenny Stabler, who as you can see is an old white-haired man who still goes by "Kenny." It's at least his third DUI arrest — the others came in 1995 and 2001. So sad. You'd think he'd eventually get better at driving drunk. A guy named Stabler should be able to drive more… stable-er? Eh, that one worked better in my head.

For more information, rent the old informational film "Reefer Madness".

06.09.08 at 11:52 am

Allan Stokke

Elliot Stabler is going to beat the crap out of Cedric Benson.

"YOU RAPED HER DIDN'T YOU?!?!? *Punches Benson in the face*

06.09.08 at 11:53 am

ihopethisgetsmattmoney

"should me (be) able"

06.09.08 at 11:53 am

hardawayhatesyou

Cedric, I speak for all Bears fans when I say 'Thank you.'

Thank you for getting arrested for the second time in the last month and leaving the Bears no option other than cutting you. If I never see your heartless ass again on an NFL field I'll be happy.

Remember when Swany said he was gonna run for 1500 yards? That was high-larry-us.

06.09.08 at 11:58 am

Hugh B. Brown

When informed of the arrest, Al Davis immediately traded Stabler to the Houston Oilers for Dan Pastorini.

06.09.08 at 12:01 pm

rv

its because hes black. damn white cops

/bullshit

06.09.08 at 12:03 pm

swanychitown

@HHY

Daymn! You saw that!? Stay off TBL!

@WDYA

That fucking movie is awful!

06.09.08 at 12:06 pm

Enrico Pallazzo

Nice David Wright shirt, Snake, ya fag.

06.09.08 at 12:16 pm

Merk

hitting the blotter by driving blotto

A guy named Stabler should be able to drive more… stable-er?

Go sit in your corner!

Way too much punny goodness in one paragraph

06.09.08 at 12:25 pm

hardawayhatesyou

@swany: I've never been to TBL. Ever.

You wrote it on here as a comment to Matt's NFL Preview post last year. I remember because it struck me as odd that anyone would think Benson is good at football.

06.09.08 at 12:27 pm

Tim

Jimmy Carter looks terrible.

06.09.08 at 12:52 pm

ognihs

+1 Tim

i'd bet Bob Loblaw's house that the commish is trying to suspend stabler.

06.09.08 at 1:14 pm

swanychitown

@HHY

Ouch, seems I soiled myself multiple times over Cedric Benson last year. What a fucking dipshit. Benson, yea, I mean Benson….

06.09.08 at 1:32 pm

Bob Loblaw

Jimmy Carter looks pretty good.

Gotta hand it to Stabler. He went six years between the first 2 arrests, and now seven years from the second arrest to the most recent one. The man is getting wiser in his age.

06.09.08 at 1:40 pm

Readykilowatt

The most fun part of drunk driving is catching air on the wheel chair ramps for the sidewalks while getting head from a stripper.

06.09.08 at 2:07 pm

TP2151

"One of these days, the coloreds that come to The State Capital of Texas to drink and date white women will get the message that they are NOT welcome. Unless, they are playing for Mac Brown and stay on campus at all times. But, after that, they're STILL NOT welcome!" – Austin Police Spokesman

06.09.08 at 6:33 pm

LeapinLizards

A guy named Stabler should be able to drive more… stable-er? Eh, that one worked better in my head.

JuuuuUUUuuuuust a bit outside…

06.09.08 at 6:34 pm

LeapinLizards

What do they do to the Texas running backs though? Oh…right, the University of Texas is in Texas. Now I understand.