One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

An old hobbo walks into an empty bar. The bartender whips him up a scotch on the rocks and he walks around the bar with it. He notices an old, dusty piano in the corner.

"Do you mind if I play your piano, sir?" the hobbo asks.

"No, go right ahead." the bartender answers.

The man starts playing the most upbeat, fun-sounding song the bartender's ever heard in his life. It lasts about 5 minutes before he finishes. By that time, the bartender comes out from behind the bar and is clapping his hands off.

"That was the best damn song I ever heard! Who wrote that?"

"I did, sir."

"Wow! What do you call that?"

"I call it, 'Slaughtering Bambi's mother in front of him'."

The bartender is taken aback by the weird title, but just shrugs it off.

"Do you have anymore songs you wrote?"

"Sure, lemmie play another one."

The man sits back down and plays another amazing tune; this one almost forces the bartender to drop his apron and start dancing. It lasts about 7 minutes.

"Wow! That was incredible! What do you call that one?"

"I call it, 'The Spiked Dildo".

The bartener just sits there confused for a minute... and then an idea pops into his mind.

"Hey look, pal. This old bar used to be a real hot spot back in it's day... but business has been slow for a while. For some reason, the people stopped coming. I'll bet with my drinks and your piano skills, we could get this place jumping again! We'll split the profits 50/50! What do you say?"

"Sure!" the hobbo says.

"There's just one thing," the bartneder continues, "The names to your songs are kinda crude, so would you mind not telling any of the custumors the titles to them?"

"Sure, no problem." the hobbo says.

A week later, they officially re-open the bar and the place is jumping with people. The bartender is making drinks after drink... and the hobbo is giving everybody a song to dance to. Every time he plays, it's something different that nobody's ever heard before. After a few hours, he leaves to take a bathroom break.

When he comes back from the bathroom, a small woman approaches him.

"Excuse me, sir," she starts, "Do you know your fly's down and your dick's hanging out for everyone to see?"