IPhone sales surge in anticipation of Weiner’s ‘weiner’

Shares of the smartphone rose by nearly 5% as news reached Wall Street that another Democratic “schlong” was about to go viral on Twitter. The New York mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, quickly confirmed that the release on new lewd photos was a key part of the iPhone’s new marketing campaign. Pleased with the success Apple's boss, Tim Cook, promised to introduce a range of “amazing new products” alongside erotic instagram of the shamed congressman.

Apple's profits (£4.5bn) in the last three month beat estimates, as the US public flocked to purchase HD devices to download the best image of the “trouser snake”. We interviewed one over-excited consumer: “Last time was like soooo amazing!” she gushed. “Ya, Carlos Danger is like hot. Bill Clinton was a Nokia 3310 but Weiner makes your iCloud moist.” While critics say that the self-styled "Sheriff of Wall Street", is the real reason the “angry birds” are so angry.

Apple have produced a series of grainy underwear shots with the tagline: “Why not capture a 240 degree panoramic view of the Grand Canyon…or your K**b?”. SIRI, the intelligent assistant, has been programmed to respond to all requests with a series of “sexts” linking to sex-rooms on Formspring and Dominick's Hot Dog Truck. Flanked by his wife at a press conference Mr. Weiner said:”Like the iPhone5 I promise multi-touch, 4.5 inches and a stream that won’t stop.”