Thursday, November 29, 2012

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (Now With More Folding Bikes)

First of all, I want to thank all the people who commented and emailed with their folding bike suggestions yesterday--except for the person who told me to go fuck myself, which frankly seemed unwarranted. Also, somebody else commented that I have a lot of bikes already, which, like, none of your business. I also have a lot of wine bottles in my bathtub, but none of those fold either. So what's your point? Just because I have so much bottled wine I'm not allowed to buy a wine skin so I can fold it up and hide it in my pants at the movies?

I DON'T have to EXPLAIN myself to YOU. [Stomps foot on each capitalized word and pouts, then slams door to bedroom and cranks up the Fallout Boy.]

Anyway, clearly I have lots to consider. For example, some people suggested the Swift Folder:

On the plus side, they seem to be slightly less clownish than other folding bikes. On the negative side, they don't seem to fold down that small--and I want it to fold down small so I can take it into the bathroom of my yacht with me. Also, judging from the guy in the photo, it's a total hipster bike. I mean seriously, what a total hipster.

On the plus side, you can do folding bike dorklocross like the guy in the video. On the negative side, you might have nightmares about noted Bike Friday enthusiast Phil Liggett:

Also, at least one commenter pointed out that Bike Fridays are made in the USA. I know that's supposed to be a good thing, but what do I care? In fact, I'm rooting for the death of American manufacturing because the sooner this country collapses due to a lack of factory jobs then the sooner some foreign power will come in and take us over, which quite frankly may be our only hope. That way, at least there's a chance that whoever takes us over will be bike-friendly. Does China like bikes?

Speaking of China, I think Dahons may be made there, and that's another folding bike purveyor I should consider:

On the plus side, they're pretty reasonably priced. One the negative side, "Mu P8" sounds like "mupate," which sounds like something you'd do after you micturate.

This car calls for a joke as stale and dated as the trend on which it is trying to capitalize, and so I'll say that Bianchi called and they want their "colorway" back. As the Tweeterer rightly points out, Hyundai are clearly at least five years behind the cycling trend curve, which means that we can expect them to launch a car that looks like a cyclocross bike sometime around 2018. By the way, this is a stupid way to carry a bike:

What's the point of taking up the trunk space and reducing your ability to parallel park while still letting the bike hang out there like a fixed-gear hemorrhoid? Put on your big boy pants and put the fucking bike on the roof already. Sure, it burns a little more gas, but if you're afraid to burn some gas then you shouldn't be driving. Or you could just ride the stupid thing, but I can't really blame somebody for not wanting too.

Hyundai says its idea came from fixed-gear bikes, the "fixies" that have taken over urban corridors around the country. Originally ridden by bike messengers, they went mainstream for riders who wanted ultra low weight. Unlike the bikes, the car has brakes."We were inspired by the proverb 'A rolling stone gathers no moss,'" said Chris Chapman, Hyundai's chief designer in the U.S. The concept car "offers the 'no strings attached' freedom of a roll top convertible."

Yes, nothing says "no strings attached freedom" like a lease, an insurance policy, and a dependence on fossil fuels. And if you want real car/bike "collabo" street cred, you're much better off with a Jetta Trek:

Something tells me the Veloster is going to be even less "classic" than that Jetta in 15 years.

Sorry, I nodded off there for a moment because I'm like so over everything. This because I was once a delusional bike racer, then I became a jaded irreverent bike racer, and now I'm just a crotchety loner with hairy legs and a general disdain for everything. At least I can take solace in the fact that while everyone's hopping on and off bikes that don't shift I'll be on the Internet shopping for folding bikes. So suck on that.

Mabye if you're lucky those Rapha sandbaggers will show up again and leave before the tattoos are handed out:

Fack Podder. Pack Fodder. One of those...what does this do for my Commentariat Pro Tour Points? Will my contract with my imaginary team be dropped for next year? See, the domestiques always get FUCKED!

and I'm going to disagree with my colleague, the Hangry Panda. A Brompton or Tikit that folds intelligently and is meant to fold and unfold multiple times every day...that's the way to go in urban areas.

Go kart + portability. Just get the Brompton. Mmm...accessories, ie bags. And get one with a Dynohub.

I will console myself with the thought that the lack of a Strida in today's post bodes well for a future Strida in Snobbers' garage. (He probably has one of those now, they come with most homes in Suburgatory.)

I have a Dahon. It's not built for comfort and it's not built for speed. Mainly: it's a bike, and it folds. Works for me. On a crowded train I can even sit *on* it while it's folded, since the seatpost is like 30" long. (Long enough to keep my Johnson from dragging on the floor.)

I thought a, "Foldy" referred to the female bits on a female. The bike thing has me confused, although I'm clear about the bear suit and think that you shouldn't mess with the obvious success of your chicken suit. Forget the bear suit.

I am going to disagree with my colleague rural 14. No Brompton or Tikit folds intelligently. You will get blood blister all over your body if you try to fold either one multiple times a day especially in urban areas.

What is the last thing the english designed properly except the dyson vacuum cleaner. Their claim to fame is that it does not lose suction, and everybody knows what that means it is used for.

Even the Mini Cooper is now designed by Germans, just try to find a folding bike designed by germans. They know it is an impossible and worthless task.

Don't forget a Moulton! Although it doesn't fold, it splits in to two bits. It's a very smooth ride, ride it to believe it. Okay, the top of the range ones are "pricey" but the TSR isn't too expensive.

Don't forget a Moulton! Although it doesn't fold, it splits in to two bits. It's a very smooth ride, ride it to believe it. Okay, the top of the range ones are "pricey" but the TSR isn't too expensive.

3) Carrying the bike that way is a great way to coat the back end of the bike with "road mist" (which is water plus road filth). Or should you be so unwise as to ride the bike, it will accumulate filth of its own, which the rain will then wash down, along with chain lube etc., onto your wide-open and now soaking-wet filthy interior. Finally, should you ever park it like that, it puts both the car and the bike well within easy access by thieves, vandals, or anyone just looking for a place to piss.

Maybe the mystery of your new borough has already been solved and I missed it but this sudden need for a folding bike makes me think you moved up to the Bronx. Too far to bike into town so you'll take the train in with your folding bike. This is a very depressing thought. Say it isn't so wildcat.

Of the two foldie owners I know, one clown rides 100 meters from his pickup truck in the train station's parking lot to the train platform, and then three blocks to work at the other end of the commute.

I still haven't figured out what he does with the kayak he stores on the truck's topper. I guess it's a streamlined truck hat.

The other is my Bro-in-law, who stashes it in his airplane. I guess it comes in handy. But I think of it as sort of a transformer toy bike that only stops short walks.

I work at a shop that deals in folders. We have the Dahons, Terns and Bromptons. We also have Airnimals.

The shop has sold Bike Fridays and Xootrs in the past.

The Brompton is the most will thought out and smallest folding bike. Our wussiest sales/graphic designer/social media-er has no problem carrying it up and down stars and parading about with it inside of the local upscale market since "you can folks it into a doing cart!"

The foldy is preformed when a intoxicated gentleman can't acheive wood, even after oral stimulation. So naturely he folds his flaccid manhood and inserts it into the woman. Its half the length but twice the width and triple the fun.

Wait - nobody's mentioned a Montague. Are they any good? Because I'm thinking of getting one. At least they have full-sized wheels, which is important, because I already resemble a bear in both the literal and Chelsea sense and don't need people trying to fit me for a muzzle and a tutu. Reviews seem pretty positive so if anybody's got any dirt, let me know before I drop a G on one in the spring.

Also: I also live in an uncool borough and I'm on the wrong side of 40. Are "foldys" inherently lame or is it, again, because of the wee little wheel thing? I just like the idea of being able to take the subway or bus to or from a remote riding destination. Is that so wrong? I mean, based on the comments it obviously is, but I'm not sure why.

i'll tell you who will be "folding" on saturday - the pussies from the Alabama Crimson Tide. did you know that crimson tide is also the name of my monthly special visitor? kind of a weird mascot to name your team after a girls menstrual cycle. bunch of PUSSIES i tell you.

Gee, almost made it through without the usual obsessive references to excrement, genitalia, and the anal orifice. But no, "hemorrhoid" came along to keep the tone consistent. Cheap thrills for a blogger, no doubt, to have your own place to indulge your sorry need to poopie-talk. Grow the fuck up.

Babble - failure to meaningfully explore the joys of the Strida notwithstanding, you can take comfort in knowing that we all (by "all" I mean some of us) love you dearly. In fact, I barely read the blog anymore; I just log on to see what you have to say about it.

No one actually makes fun of people on folding bikes, which is because no normal person makes fun of bike riders, which is because a normal person knows we're all simple, and it's a sign of a poor upbringing to ridicule the disadvantaged.

Snob to help you in your folder search a bicycle friend (with 2 bromptons) has a great why at http://practicalbiking.org/2011/08/why-i-ride-a-brompton-folding-bike.html/

Also if you get a brompton you can attend the 2013 "contest" in the UK http://www.brompton.co.uk/pages/9811This contest was almost enough for me to get a brompton ... which I don't need as I don't travel.

In Tibet there is an operation available that allows one to have their brain removed from their skull ... then rolled in flour and several secret herbs and spices, then cooked in a pressure cooker, then deep fried, and then served to customers in one of my several restaurants.

Another folding brand is Tern, new I think. If you rather have a full sized wheel folding bike, you could opt for a dahon briza at 24", or a montague boston or paratrooper pro. The shop where I purchased my folder, nycewheels in the upper east side offers test rides of all their folders. Good luck in finding the right one, snob.

Bought Dahon Speed P8 two weeks ago, returned after 5 commutes. Bumpy ride, twitchy steering, pain to fold, too heavy to carry in one hand oh and really, really bumpy ride and twitchy steering. But that'd be the case with any folder, I'm sure, so I won't bother again.

Yeah, steering on the small wheels is responsive, not twitchy. As for the bumpiness, it isn't anything worse than on the thin tires of road bikes. I would say the paratrooper with suspension would be good to flatten rough commutes, but the 16"-20" folders would be ideal if you plan on going multi-modal with a bus or rail transfer.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!