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Monday, April 29, 2013

"After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren't sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat." -Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study, the best job in America is actuary ˜ primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don't have to do much." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil." -Craig Ferguson