The 12 Days of Thirstmas: Rami Malek

Dec 20, 2017

Getty + Mia Feitel

Welcome to the 12 Days of Thirstmas: an extensive examination of all things thirst-worthy in the world of entertainment. Forget parched-ness in a pear tree, if you've been good this year (and especially if you've been naughty), treat yourself to a wide variety of dudes who don't just look good in photos, but in GIFs, too.

The ninth day of Thirstmas brings us the flesh-and-blood Mr. Robot star Rami Malek.

Rami Malek plays such a dark, disturbed character on the series Mr. Robot, it can be easy to forget that he is also a complete snack. While he broods mysteriously with Christian Slater on TV, barely ever speaking above a mumble and never cracking a smile, in real life his killer grin and sharp fashion sense remind the thirstiest among us that it is always important to separate Snack from Fiction.

I have no idea what this GIF is from but it's accurate and I'm pinning it to my vision board. Every celebrity should make low-quality VHS tapes in which they talk about their best features. I presume that the rest of Rami's video includes phrases like "a mouth full of teeth" and "HAS EYES."

Rami Malek is so much more than a snack; he is an entire box of Valentine's Day chocolate. And not that kind you buy at the register at Rite Aid. Not that there's anything wrong with that but come on. Is this available at the register?

No, it is not! The manager has to go get a special key for this. And then when they find the key they realize they're out of stock because this is just too delectable.

Rami Malek is the kind of chocolate that costs too much and tastes too good and has jewelry at the bottom of it. I don't even know if that kind of chocolate exists outside of random Lifetime movies and romance novels but I don't care. Rami Malek is so hot it's fictional.

Of course, Rami Malek is too nuanced to actually show up on Lifetime. Though I would pay large dollars to watch him and Greta Gerwig in a mumblecore Lifetime holiday movie in which they spent two hours awkwardly spilling coffee and getting tripped by dog leashes.

Rami Malek has the mysterious, kooky air of every guy who was ever too busy reading A People's History of the United States to realize you had a crush on him.

He's like a grown up and matured version of Timothée Chalamet's character in Lady Bird who understands the value of calling "just because" and foreplay.

This GIF feels inappropriate.

This is getting out of control.

Rami Malek always looks like you've just caught him talking to himself or doing some kind of happy dance or giggling about a meme he just remembered from two weeks ago. For a second he looks embarrassed and then he just shrugs.

Life too short to feel weird about being weird.

In fact, why feel weird about it when you can just add "weirdness, awkward dances, and assorted mumbles" to your thirst wish list?

But every once in a while he hits you with that swagger and you need to find your inhaler.

BAM!

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POW!

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SHAZAM!

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You ever see someone besides Kermit the Frog look so good in pale green? This level of attractiveness should be regulated by the FDA.

The thing about guys like Rami Malek is that you never know if they know that they're supremely thirst-worthy. You think they have no idea and then every once in a while they hit you with a sly smile or a smoldering gaze and all bets are off.

You better put those eyes back in your head, Rami Malek! You better keep all those teeth in that perfect face! I can't handle much more!

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