Pre-draft show: They’re talking about Thomas Robinson’s sad story and some dumbass frat boy is in the back popping his shirt.

Three minutes to the draft: First Unintentional Dirty Quote Machine (UDQM) of the night. Andy Katz gives this update on Jared Sullinger: “ESPN.com’s Chad Ford reported that medical reports were red-flagged by a number of NBA teams, saying that he had bulging dicks.” Katz went on to say that he’d spoken with Sullinger’s father, who refuted the reports and said Jared was just having “muscle issues.” (H/T @mac_jazz, @kgpogi)

David Stern gets his usual chorus of boos. Stern: “Thank you for that warm welcome.”

1. Anthony Davis to the Hornets** ESPN UDQM: He’s got an unbelievable pair of hands. His ability to change hands is another thing that that sets him apart.** ESPN UDQM: His length is really impressive.

Davis on Hornets Coach Monty Williams: When I go down there, I’m going to do whatever he wants me to do.

Warning to GSW picks: Do not be like Anthony Davis and say you’ll do whatever coach wants you to do.

2. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist to the Bobcats** ESPN UDQM: This is a young man that plays harder than anyone in college basketball.

Most depressed #2 draft pick ever. MKG is so sad he literally can’t get words out in his post-pick interview.

3. Bradley Beal to the Wizards** ESPN UDQM: Plays well with other people, but his strength is a shooter…I think he needs to improve his handle.** ESPN UDQM: He’ll stick his nose in there and he’s unafraid.

The Matt Harpring of the draft, because his brothers played football. It’s his birthday.

4. Dion Waiters to the Cavaliers** Jeff Van Gundy UDQM: Along with Irving, now they can grow their backcourt together at the same time. I like that idea.

5. Thomas Robinson to the Kings
Did it totally get dusty in the room at this moment for you too?

Heather Cox to Robinson’s sister, Jayla: Do you know [Sacramento] is pretty close to Disneyland?
Jayla: No.

6. Damian Lillard to the Trailblazers
The Blazers put “Derrick Favors” on their draft card, but the NBA made them pick someone that was actually available.

** ESPN UDQM: Understands how to finish plays…does a very good job of handling the ball.** ESPN UDQM: He’s got good length, pretty decent size, and can obviously get off (the floor).

7. Harrison Barnes to the Warriors** ESPN UDQM: He really didn’t get to the rim as much as he could have.** ESPN UDQM: Now they got another guy who can fill it up.

Mark Jones asks Barnes what he knows about Golden State. Given the news about Mark Jackson, pretty risky question dude.

Barnes: “They have great front office people, and I love the general manager, love the owner, Steph Curry, Klay Thompson.” Does not mention no coach. Cut to me cackling.

8. Terrence Ross to the Raptors** ESPN UDQM: He’s got deep range.** Mark Jones to Ross, UDQM: How would you explain your sudden and late rise to prominence?

9. Andre Drummond to the Pistons
Don’t know who he is, but shots of him crying earlier in the night (ostensibly because he hadn’t been drafted) make me happy for him that he got his name called.

** Drummond UDQM: Detroit, here I come.

10. Austin Rivers to the Hornets** ESPN UDQM: He’s got good quickness, and good quickness with the ball.

11. Meyers Leonard to the Trailblazers
Seeing as how Leonard looks exactly like how you’d imagine a Jazz player to look, Portland probably took him thinking the Jazz wanted him. This latter part likely also applies to Lillard.

Also, as a big man, he better bring his own medical staff to Portland, and get it in writing in his contract that Portland’s medical staff is not allowed to touch him. (joke stolen from @seanp33)

** Wizards head coach Randy Wittman joins the broadcast to talk about Bradley Beal, UDQM: We’re going to have a chance to grab him right away, obviously…there’s no question about his mechanics and the way he can stroke it.

12. Jeremy Lamb to the Rockets** ESPN UDQM: He’s not quite as big as Rudy Gay.

13. Kendall Marshall to the Suns** ESPN UDQM: His big guys run, because they know they’re going to get the ball.** JVG UDQM: People are going to want to play with him.

14. John Henson to the Bucks** ESPN UDQM: He’s the second lefty in a row.** ESPN UDQM: A little bit like Anthony Davis in that he can do it away from the rim.** Henson UDQM: I’ve held my own for three years at Carolina.

15. Maurice Harkless to the 76ers
Harkless is the opposite of Mo Williams, as he went from Mo to Maurice while Mo went from Maurice to Mo.

** JVG on the 76ers, UDQM: They have to get better inside.

** Hornets GM Dell Demps joins the broadcast, UDQM: Eric [Gordon] is a big part of what we’re doing here. He’s probably the biggest part. So we’re really excited to get him back here.

17. Tyler Zeller to the Cavaliers via Mavericks** ESPN UDQM: He changes hands as fast, if not faster, than any big guy in the country, and he does it with regularity.** ESPN UDQM: He had a little bit of a problem this year getting the ball knocked away from him a bit.

18. Terrence Jones to the Rockets
Losing interest in the draft at this point.

Between this pick and the next, they start discussing Dwight Howard and patently avoid showing close-ups of JVG. Or letting him speak. JVG is sitting there in the middle looking like he’s a meerkat at a tennis match, turning his head from Davis/Broussard on his left to Bilas on his right to left to right to left to right.

Bilas on Dwight and the uncertainty facing the Magic, UDQM: I don’t know how you factor in something that big.

19. Andrew Nicholson to the Magic
He’s from Canada.

And a physics major.

20. Evan Fournier to the Nuggets
Denver now has a Spaniard, an Italian, a Greekoof, a Russian, and a Frenchman. Esperanto lessons for everyone this summer.

Between picks, they’re discussing the Ray Allen situation. Now JVG is allowed to talk.

21 and 22. Jared Sullinger and Fab Melo to the Celtics

** ESPN UDQM: You get some size. Sullinger and Fab Melo back-to-back.

** Between these two picks, Rockets Coach Kevin McHale joins the show. On Lamb, UDQM: He’s got good length; he’s got good size…he can really fill it up. On White, UDQM: He’s a hard guy to put into a box.

23. John Jenkins to Atlanta** ESPN UDQM: Straight. Up. Shooter.** ESPN UDQM: If you give him a little bit of time to get that thing off, he’s got a quick release.

24. Jared Cunningham to the Mavericks via the Cavaliers
25. Tony Wroten Jr. to the Grizzlies
26. Miles Plumlee to the Pacers

Why yes, Plumlee is white. Why do you ask?

** Bilas UDQM: When he has to think his way through things, he slows down and he’s not as good.

27. Arnett Moultrie to the 76ers via the Heat** ESPN UDQM: He’s long and bouncy.

29. Marquis Teague to the Bulls** ESPN UDQM: He’s a good penetrator that can go either way and does a very good job of finishing.

Marquis is apparently pronounced “Marcus.” His mother was straight trolling.

30. Festus Ezeli to the Warriors

And the first round is over.

Fast forward fast forward fast forward…

33. 27-year old Bernard James to the Mavericks via the Cavaliers
He served three tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and a chant of U-S-A breaks out. Awesome. Maybe there are some non-Ed-Hardy-loving-dbags at the draft after all.

Fast forward fast forward fast forward…

Back from commercial break, during which several picks were made. On picks 36-40, UDQM: The last five picks are coming fast and furious now.

Fast forward fast forward fast forward…

It’s getting close to the Jazz’s pick, so let’s check in with the Jazz.

KOC was similarly occupado (tweeted out by the Jazz):

Jazz draft party (tweeted out by @theutahjazzblog):

46. Darius Miller to the Hornets
He’s the sixth Kentucky player taken. Our poor Enes didn’t qualify for the list.

47. Kevin Murphy to the Jazz

JVG on hearing chants of his name, UDQM: “Usually after my name comes ‘sucks.'”

51. Izzet Turkyilmaz to the Nuggets
Denver now has a Spaniard, an Italian, a Greekoof, a Russian, a Frenchman, and a Turk.
Please George Karl, run only all-Euro or all-American lineups.