Jason Torchinsky

I bet within the decade neurologists will discover some evolutionary quirk of the human brain that causes wildly erratic behavior when the brain is surrounded by water on three sides. That's the only thing that can possibly explain what happens— and keeps happening — in Florida. This time, holy crap is it a good one— a woman wrecked her 1995 Thunderbird into the back of a pickup because she was, no kidding, shaving her pubes.

(Note: This happened in 2010. I just realized that, my mind clouded by the majesty of the event itself. My apologies— still, there's lessons to be learned here, right?— JT)

Is Florida governed by some alien mind-control machine that taps into humanity's worst ideas and impulses and beams it to the entire population? Texting, reading, watching TV — these are all stupid things to do while driving. But attempting to pilot a car while holding something sharp and pointy against your junk — that's an entirely other, higher, rareified category of stupid.

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I'm not being entirely fair — the woman, Megan Mariah Barnes, 37, was only controlling the brake and throttle— the steering of the car was wisely handed off to her ex-husband in the passenger's seat. Because, you know, when trimming your junk while hurtling down the highway, safety first.

The story just gets better and better the deeper you go. Even if she had decided not to undertake any personal grooming while driving, she shouldn't have been driving anyway, as her license was suspended for a DUI, and the Thunderchicken itself was supposed to be impounded. And why exactly her ex-husband was riding with her to go meet her new boyfriend, who must be quite a stickler for smooth, hairless genitals, is another likely over-complicated and soul-crushing mystery of the human condition.

The strangely dedicated ex swapped places with Barnes after the wreck, but the passenger airbag burn on his chest (her drivers' side bag didn't deploy, because of course it didn't) gave away his selfless ruse. Though she whacked the rear of the 2006 Chevy pickup at a healthy 45 mph, luckily none of the four occupants were seriously injured.

It seems even in the extraordinarily special circumstances of Florida, this incident stands out. As Florida State Trooper Gary Dunick said of the wreck, "It is unbelievable. I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."