Browsing Category Solution-focus

Did you know that your brain is like any other system of muscles in your body? You can train it to function optimally. You can actually mold the way your brain works through habits and the things you do every day.

Think about those people around you who are negative most of the time. (It may be you!) It took years of hard work, and brain molding, to get to be that negative every day. (It might be amusing, but it’s true!)

Because your brain has a natural negativity bias, giving bad emotions more weight than good ones, it’s easy to get into a negative state. This is why we have to be able to positively prime ourselves on purpose to focus on solutions to the problem instead of just the problem itself.

Today I’m going to give you a tool to train your brain to be more solution-focused. If you do this activity once, you will feel better in that moment. If you do it every day for a week, you have a skillset that you can easily apply to your life. If you do it every day for a month, it becomes habit. Then you can start using that habit in all areas of your life.

If you do this long enough, it changes your personality. You will be the same person, just with some of your rough edges polished. You will also be more able to create positive solutions versus getting caught up in complaining about the things that are bad.

When you are solutions-focused, you tend to be more optimistic, to bounce back from calamities more easily, and even to get knocked down less often. It literally makes you physically healthier as well, and less likely to get stress-related disorders and some cancers, according to research.

I used to be very negative and very sarcastic. (Insert “gasp” here!) This is a true story! I started to develop solution-focused habits about three decades ago, and now most people tell me that I’m very positive person. (Don’t worry, it doesn’t take that long to master!) Every day doing this makes life better!

A solution focus gives us a broader way of looking at what we do want and where we want to go. People are much more receptive when you are helping them get to a better place versus stopping them from doing something “wrong.”

I’m sure you can think of times in your life when people tried to change you and you didn’t want to be changed. Or if you’ve ever tried to change another person, how often did it result in them saying, “Yes, I would love for you to point out the ways I’m defective!” Criticism like this undermines our sense of autonomy. A solution-focused approach helps incorporate someone’s sense of autonomy instead of violating it.

Play the Reframe Game, Instead of the Blame Game

When a problem comes up, we generally ask who did it, what they did wrong, and look for the negatives. This type of approach doesn’t work well with people. They get defensive and start playing the blame game. Very rarely do we get people to say, “Yes, I blew that $2 million deal. I’m so glad you pointed that out, here in front of everyone.” Instead they blame other departments and other people for their part in the problem.

To Reframe, focus not on the problem but instead on the future opportunities. Essentially shift from problem-solving to solution-generating mode. You may be asking yourself right now, “How in the world do you do that, Bob?” That’s a great question!

Here are the Three Questions of the Reframe Game:

What is the common goal that we all want? Instead of focusing on the problem, focus on the outcome that everyone is looking for. This helps to unite the team for the future.

What is already working toward that goal? It might be counterintuitive, but it’s very powerful. Instead of focusing on what is wrong, instead start with what is right. Have the group help you brainstorm what is working: maybe relationships, skillsets, financial resources, whatever you have already in place. This improves the overall outlook and helps people feel safe, heard and confident. It builds a sense of momentum, and allows you to build on best practices instead of starting from scratch.

What else can we do to build on what is working? This helps create a plan to get to the common goal, starting from a place of momentum instead of starting from defeat. People are far more creative when they are brainstorming using best practices, versus brainstorming about the gaps (which often starts the blame game again).

You can practice this brainstorm with your team, or with others you trust. If the problem is yours alone to tackle, enlisting others to help can help you see things you don’t see, and even encourages their investment in the success of the project.

Side note: Another great use for this activity is to help coach someone who is struggling, whether it’s a colleague you are mentoring, a family member, or even a child.

This is transformational for kids! If you want to help your kids to be resilient, strong and creative, this is a great tool to use with them. It trains their brains to look for the things that work. As parents we often want to solve problems for our children, but this process helps them solve problems on their own. And by having these conversations with them, you will be able to more deeply understand what is happening in their lives, and how you can help them in the future.

And if you want to learn more, here are some more positive focus resources.

Share this:

Like this:

“Hope without critical thinking leads to naïveté and critical thinking without hope leads to cynicism. To survive, we need both.” Maria Popova

“if you combine those two mental qualities [you achieve] wisdom… The absence of both gets you apathy.” Coert’s Visser

These wise insights capture beautifully what I often teach. What gives us the most power and insight is the right blend of optimism while facing the hard truths as well.

The research by Barbara Fredrickson on the ideal balance of positive to negative communication also supports this. There are no easy answers or beliefs that we can use to make all decisions. We need to take each situation face the hard truth of that situation, then switch a solution focus for ideas. The right balance makes us far better decision makers (and more credible as well).

Popova profoundly states, “Yes, people sometimes do horrible things, and we can speculate about why they do them until we run out of words and sanity. But evil only prevails when we mistake it for the norm. There is so much goodness in the world — all we have to do is remind one another of it, show up for it, and refuse to leave.”

Share this:

Like this:

For the next four months, we’ll explore different ways to deal with conflict at work. The great news is that these tactics, once mastered, can be applied to nearly any conflict situation, so you may find yourself using them in your personal life as well as your career.

This month we’re talking about tactics to prevent conflict all together. I use a toolbox of “Energize” solutions with my clients, and these are among my favorites. The key to this prevention is positively priming the people you’re talking to so that they can see what’s in it for them before the conflict arises.

How many times do you dread walking into a situation because you know that there is potential for conflict? Whether it’s a meeting, a phone call, or a presentation, the great news is that potential for conflict is potential for growth. And if you already know that the situation could be a volatile one, you can come to the table calm and ready to prevent the conflict.

For example, if you have to change the scope of a project, and you know that several members of your team will be anxious about the change and their new responsibilities, you could preface the scope announcement with reassurance. By, doing this, you can “calm the caveman” part of your employees’ brains that may cause them to react with a fight or flight instinct.

Once people get into conflict mode, they usually miss everything else you say. You’ve no doubt witnessed this firsthand, and may even be guilty of it yourself. It’s easy to focus on the painful part of the conversation and completely tune out the rest.

The prevention approach involves taking a bit of time upfront to identify the potential issues and how you can energize your team members to rally around the new goal. Taking a few minutes to prevent the conflict beforehand certainly beats hours of cleaning up a relationship mess afterward.

The first step in preparing for the meeting is to imagine the conflict reactions that may arise within your team: e.g., “Why are we changing direction midstream? But I’ve worked so hard on my portion of this project! This change affects everything I’ve done so far! How will we have the resources to meet the new scope? My authority and my position are being threatened by this change!”

Then prepare solutions to these perceived threats: “I’m bringing on more resources because the scope of this project is going to change slightly. I know you’re up to the challenge because you’ve done A, B, and C well so far.”

Sequence is important. In your meeting offer the solutions before you deliver your content. This allows them to listen carefully, and hopefully avoid (or at least minimize) the fight or flight responses.

Prevention can be especially helpful when you anticipate conflict between groups or teams. In this case, you can often avoid conflict using the common goal tool: come up with a mutual objective beforehand that is compelling for both parties and, again, describe that before you talk about what you want each team to do.

Whether it’s identifying common goals, offering solutions, or creating positive reframes, I encourage you to play around this month with the power of prevention when it comes to conflict.

Share this:

Like this:

I had the distinct pleasure of seeing Ryan Estis tell this story again yesterday at dynamic NEHRA conference. The hero of this true story, Lily (#LilyEffect), demonstrates powerfully how we can create purpose that fulfills ourselves, wow customers, and create “evangelist customers” who spread the word about us.

I hope you find it as inspiring as I did! Lily’s “Artist” is lit up, and she energizes everyone around her.

Like this:

Would you like to be more content with life as it is, and less affected by the imaginary dangers that play in your mind?

Would you like to make better, more rational decisions?

I’m going to give some of my thoughts, and those of Sam Harris, a renowned philosopher and neuroscientist.

Increasing mindfulness does all three of these things. Mindfulness is being able to calmly face the exaggerated threats our mind creates without fighting, fleeing or freezing. That means to not have to suppress our unwanted urges, run from our own emotions, or deny our own thoughts and feelings. Instead, noticing our thoughts and feelings with equanimity, allowing these urges to “float” by instead of choosing to react to them. Then choosing the “right” action toward what is best for oneself, instead of merely away from momentary discomfort and toward comfort.

I created the ACT Team to give people an easy step in this direction. These represent aspects of our brain that embody certain fearful urges and motivations. Seeing them as somewhat separate allows us some mental distance, and increases the ability to choose “right” action instead of simply react to their promptings. This also allows us to see ourselves as more than our thoughts, our feelings and our urges. In addition, it allows us to influence our own motivations a bit more objectively, instead of be a victim to them.

The fearful urges and motivations we feel in a given moment distort our sense of what is real, creating reactionary “inner movies.” Inner movies are our brain’s guess of what is real combined with our biases, fears and hopes. It plays them out in our minds like a visual, auditory or sensed movie. Most of the time we’re caught up in the inner movies of life, not realizing that they are simply movies, not reality. Mindfulness is being able to look past the movie to see what is really there, with less bias from our fears, hopes and biases. This is what I argue that “enlightenment” truly is—seeing reality more clearly. More mental light is now shining on what is actually happening, and less on the internal distortions. For example, we may have an inner movie that our child is “shaming the family” by choosing career we dislike, when the reality is that she is usually simply being attracted to what she finds interesting and enjoyable. You can see how much unnecessary conflict this kind of inner movie causes for ourselves, and for those around us.

My friend Joseph Goldstein…likens this shift in awareness to the experience of being fully immersed in a film and then suddenly realizing that you are sitting in a theater watching a mere play of light on a wall. Your perception is unchanged, but the spell is broken. Most of us spend every waking moment lost in the movie of our lives. Until we see that an alternative to this enchantment exists, we are entirely at the mercy of appearances…

We crave lasting happiness in the midst of change: Our bodies age, cherished objects break, pleasures fade, relationships fail. Our attachment to the good things in life and our aversion to the bad amount to a denial of these realities, and this inevitably leads to feelings of dissatisfaction. Mindfulness is a technique for achieving equanimity amid the flux, allowing us to simply be aware of the quality of experience in each moment, whether pleasant or unpleasant. This may seem like a recipe for apathy, but it needn’t be. It is actually possible to be mindful—and, therefore, to be at peace with the present moment—even while working to change the world for the better.

(Sam Harris teaches how to achieve mindfulness through various exercises in “Waking Up”. He has audio guides to this kind of mediation on his website. He manages to extract the powerful insights of Buddhist meditation from the mythology, so that it’s relevant to everyone regardless of your beliefs.)

Happiness. Bliss. Serenity. Mental Health. There are many worthwhile goals of mindfulness meditation. A very small segment of people find sitting for days, weeks, months or even years at a time appealing. The goal for most of us though, as Harris describes it, is increasing happiness. Not reaching some magical state of nirvana, enlightenment, etc.

What is the next step you will take to becoming more mindful?

To make better decisions?

To be more content with life as it is, and less affected by the imaginary dangers of your inner movie?

Share this:

Like this:

I have great news! The Kindle version of my book “Energize: Ignite Passion and Performance with User Friendly Brain Tools” will be FREE this coming Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (April 4, 5, and 6). It’s part of a cool promotion that my publisher Aloha Publishing and Amazon are doing to get Energize into more people’s hands. Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/mb2znrl

Will you help me get the word out? I would love it if you would share this and help promote my social media posts this week about this free promo. Here’s a sample of some things you can share with your social media followers, if you’re so inclined:

“My friend, @BobFaw, is the author of “Energize,” which will be FREE this weekend only. Head over to http://tinyurl.com/mb2znrl to get your free download.”

“Looking to make positive change in your life and business? Check out @BobFaw’s book, “Energize,” which is free this weekend at http://tinyurl.com/mb2znrl“