LeTR fROm thE RaLLy SQuiRRel AtTornEY

A squirrel runs past the leg of the St. Louis Cardinals' Skip Schumaker while Schumaker bats during the fifth inning of Game 4 of the National League Division Series.
AP

By

Jason Gay

October 13, 2011

DEaR PEEpLE of SAiNT LOuIs,

My NaMe is RiChaRD FLuFFYTAIL, III, EsQ. I am A SQuiRReL AttornEY with the FiRm of ACoRN, ChEStNUT and PINECone, LLP. I am LICsenSED To pRaCTicE SQuiRReL LaW IN the STaTe of MissOUri as WEll as CAliForNia, New YORK anD aLL FOREsTS.

iT haS ComE To MY aTTenSHUN That ThE SAiNT LOuis CaRDiNaLs haVe Been UsinG the LikENess of My CLienT, "RaLLY SQuiRReL," In TEEM maTERiALs dURinG tHe NaTIONAl LeAgUe ChaMPEENshup SeeeRiES.

ThiS SAiNT LOuis SquiRREL obSESSION is REpoRTEdLY FuELLED by a SigHTing of My CLIiENT rUNNing past Home Plate iN a DIvisinAL Playoff GamE WhErE the CaRDs BEet THE PhiLADelPHia FiLLies.

NoW All of SAiNT LOuis SeEeMs tO thInk A "RaLLY SQuiRReL" HelPs it Win BaSEBaLL Games. OK, whATever. YOU HuManS are StrAnGE.

BuT tHe CaRDs Are NOw MaKIng iTemS with my CLIenT's LikeNESS. TherE are "rALLy SQuiRReL" toWELs aNd TEE sHirtz tHaT SAy "GOT SQuiRReL?"

WorsE of All, The Cards aRe selling StuFFed RaLLy SQuiRReLs. ThAT's an InSULt anD OfFenSIVe to my CLIENT and SQuiRReLs EveryWHEre.

On beHalf of my CLIent and ALL SQuiRReLs , I aM WritING to DEEmAND ThaT the CaRDiNals CeASE and DESIsT All mAnUFACture and SAle oF RaLLy SQuiRReL ProDucts for The FOLLOwing ReAsOnS:

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE no AUTHOrity To RePREsent ANY AffiLiaTion or RElAtionSHip BeeetWEen the Team and my CLIent.

ENLARGE

A St. Louis Cardinals fan wore a hat with a squirrel on top of it before Game One in Milwaukee on Sunday.
Getty Images

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE miSAPPORPRIated the RaLLy SQuiRReL iMAge without DUe ComPENsaTion.

•The CaRDiNAls HAVE createD an ASSoCiAtion Beetween the TEAm and my CLIent thaT diminiSHEs tHe RePUtatiON of my CLIent to the BeNEFIT of tHe CaRDiNAls.

(IMPRessIVE right? I DID not SPEND 3 Years eaTIng RAMEn IN SQuiRREL laW School For NUTTin!)

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