(Closed) Should I just leave it be for now?

So, my SO and I have been dating for 4 years. We bought a house together last year and have been living happily in our new house with our new puppy. I’m truly loving our life together, but recently felt the need to make it more permanent with marriage. I have a lot of different reasons for wanting to get married, which I’ve explained to him. When we first started dating neither of us wanted to get married, so he was a little startled when I first brought it up. After a lot of talking, he seems to understand my reasons and says he’s fine with getting married and knows I’d like to get married sometime next year. Despite all that, he doesn’t seem to be moving towards proposing any time soon. I don’t want to push the issue and I don’t want to be one of those girls who nags their SO into proposing (that’s definitely not who I am), but I can’t help worrying that, if I leave it be, he’ll never make a move on his own. Should I leave it be and hope that he proposes soon? Have any of you gone through something similar?

To be honest, we didn’t get that far. He just said he’d be alright with us getting married and we talked a bit about if we’d want a formal wedding or to go to the court house. He’s not a very talkative person, so getting information out of him can be tough.

communication on these things is key, which can be done effectively without nagging. Just because you have an open conversation where you express feelings doesnt have to be nagging, if its done in a safe environment where neither of you get defensive and both stay respectful.

Ask him 1. if he sees himself marrying you 2. If yes, what would be his ideal timeline. Just get his feelings on the issue first.

You need to make sure it is something that he WANTS and would put effort into making happen, not something he just “goes with the flow on”.

AmayaTsuki: You don’t say how long ago you had that discussion. If it has been a decent amount of time, I would simply ask him if he wants to to wait for a traditional proposal or if you should start planning. If he knows that you would like to be married some time next year, it’s reasonable to assume that someone needs to start planning. If you need the security of a ring before you do start planning, then you’ll have to wait or have another discussion about timelines.

We’ve talked on and off about it since March, so about 3 months now, but we have had that conversation a lot in that time span, which is why I was concerned with bringing it up again (not wanting to nag). We’ll be celebrating our anniversary in August, so I was thinking about waiting until after that, in case he did make the decision to propose then. Should I bring it up one more time before our anniversary, just to make sure he knows what I’m thinking or should I let him make that decison on his own?

AmayaTsuki: I can appreciate that. Sometimes though, it seems like we get a lot of posts from girls wondering if a proposal is ever going to come. If you take the initiative, at least you will have an answer. I lived with my ex for 5 years waiting for a proposal that never came. Honestly, if marriage wasn’t important to me, we’d still be together probably. He kept telling me “eventually” and “someday”. I’m not saying this is going to be you and your relationship though.

If you are serious about marriage, you need to get a firm answer on whether he is too and nail down a time line. If he won’t give you one, then you need to maybe figure out if you can be happy in the relationship as is.

AmayaTsuki: Do you think he maybe thought the discussion was all that needed to happen? Does he know you’re expecting a proposal? If you two never thought of marriage before, maybe this will need to be spelled out for him.

That’s definitely something I’m considering. When I brought up marriage, he was absolutely shocked, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he has no idea that I want to be proposed to. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t pushing the issue.

Thank you for the advice! I’m glad I’m not the only one who was in this situation. He knows I want to get married next year, so hopefully it won’t drag on for too long. I definitely get the feeling that I’m going to have to take the iniative in some way on this one. I’ll have another talk with him and really spell out what it is I want. Hopefully, he’ll agree with me. Marriage is important to me, but I love him enough that I’d be with him, even if he didn’t want to get married.

AmayaTsuki: I definitely understand why you don’t want to push it, or end up nagging him into anything. But I also think that as 2 cohabitating, otherwise happy adults, you should be able to have a reasonable and productive discussion about your future together.

He might be taking a little longer to get things going simply because this is a new milestone that’s been introduced. You said yourself that marriage was not something either of you was interested in while dating, and that you’d discussed that. Now, you said he’s fine with being married…okay awesome. But being fine with it and actually doing it after 4 years of NOT going towards that is a lot. I think it’s reasonable for you to want an idea of his timeline, but I also think it’s reasonable for him to need a little more time.

I would sit down with him and have an honest discussion and ask some big questions (and be open to answer any questions/concerns HE has too):

-Can you see yourself being married to me?

-When do you feel comfortable getting engaged/married?

-Does my newfound desire to be married feel comfortable to you, or is this something that you’re legitimately having concerns about?

See what he says, and keep in mind that it might not be what you want to hear. If he honestly and caringly tells you that actually, he was more fine with the way things were–not headed towards marriage–and that he doesn’t know if it’s something he wants (or, he wants to marry you but he needs some time), you’re going to have to do some assessment on your end. Are you okay with things as they are now, regardless of marriage or not? Is your committment level the same?

If after an honest conversation you both come to the conclusion that marriage is either happening, but in the not so near future, OR, it’s not really something he wants, then it’s up to you to decide if you’d rather be with this person unmarried, or hope to find someone else that wants marriage and in the timeframe you’d like.

Just to play devil’s advocate…honestly, because marriage was off the table and because that’s the relationship you and he have had for 4 years, he might deep down not want marriage still. That would have nothing to do with you, or his committment to your relationship; it’s just that for all these years he’s been under the impression that no marriage is okay and a shared value, and now it’s not only a change to “yes, let’s get married,” but all the logistics that go along with it.

Give him some time; I’m sure that’s all he needs. I hope you get the outcome (and proposal/marriage) that you want 🙂

Thank you so much! What you said is incredibly helpful. I do have to remind myself that this is a new concept for him and that he’ll probably need time to adjust and think about it (I took a lot of time to think about it on my own as well). I’ll have another conversation with him and try to get a better understanding of what he wants. Marriage is something I want, but it’s not something I need. He knows that I’ll be with him no matter what, so hopefully he doesn’t feel any pressure.

AmayaTsuki: My “proposal” story was a little lack luster for my taste and was a bit more of a mutual agreement. If you want a certain kind of proposal, make sure he knows that, and not by beating around the bush, but flat out saying, “I would like some kind of romantic proposal”. I realized I was not getting the romantic, down on one knee kind of proposal I was thinking of, but he does things on a daily basis that are romantic, so I’m happy with that being the rest of my life! I too, am not the nagging kind. I have, however, jokingly (or not so jokingly) given him opportunity to back out… but we’re at the 8.5 year mark now.