ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal.

BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs.

BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from the University of Colorado released a report Thursday concluding that it is perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one presently in their hands.

MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night.

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible.

WASHINGTON—Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall.

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed.

PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation.

HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app.

NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage.

GAITHERSBURG, MD—According to a new study released this week by George Washington University Professor of Biology Randall Palinack, the pathetic organism in his bathroom mirror—which he observed from approximately 6:04 to 6:09 Monday morning—is “pitiful, just absolutely pitiful.”

Based on previous findings, the research took a detailed look at the bipedal sad sack’s anatomy, making note of its receding hairline, distended gut, double chin, and weak facial features that identify it as a highly undesirable mate.

“Notice the sedentary mammal’s pear-like body shape, bloodshot eyes, and oily skin, as well as the way its musculature has continued to atrophy over time while the fat deposits around its midsection grow larger and larger,” said the 48-year-old scientist, pinching the specimen’s abdomen firmly while shaking his head in disbelief. “Also note how it struggles with mobility and often has difficulty socializing with peers, even those it considers close friends.”

“I must say, it’s a fascinating organism to study,” Palinack continued. “Considerably less imposing than other males of its species.”

Upon closer inspection in the mirror, the biologist noted roughly two dozen fluid-filled pustules, scabs, and pockmarks on the specimen’s face and neck. These, he explained, were remnants of a compulsive behavior it developed in adolescence and now seems powerless to stop. Rotating his field of view 180 degrees, he also surveyed the pathetic creature’s domicile—a tiny one-bedroom apartment it is too ashamed to show anyone because of the general filth and unexplained odor.

Speculating on the cause of the organism’s listless demeanor, however, Palinack pointed to its diet of processed, nutrient-poor foods and daily routine of sitting slumped over a desk, vying to ensure its survival in a cutthroat academic environment despite having plateaued many years ago.

“Given the evidence, I would surmise that this particular specimen is a blight on its species; a castoff of the animal kingdom that, statistics clearly show, has trouble even procreating,” said the senior lecturer as he located rogue patches of hair protruding from its nasal and aural cavities. “It’s also apparent that the natural aging process has been accelerated in the face of a host of environmental factors including social isolation, professional failure, sexual frustration ever since Karen walked out, and moderate to severe depression.”

“Christ, Randall,” the scientist added. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

According to Palinack, the findings are consistent with those from other ongoing studies, all of which have found the multicellular life form to be wholly ignored by females, routinely losing potential partners to more aggressive, fertile candidates such as Tim from work or the Portuguese post-doc who plays intramural water polo.

Additionally, the scientist observed that while close members of its evolutionary tree occupy top-tier, well-paying executive positions across the private sector, this particular species subsists on a researcher’s salary despite its relative seniority within the department.

“Despite the appearance of death in the organism’s slack facial musculature and dead-eyed expression, it is, somewhat improbably, alive,” Palinack confirmed, in spite of the fact that it has no outward indications of vitality and, when Palinack really thinks about it, does not in fact have anything to live for after losing its funding and any resolve to write another grant. “Obviously this highly maladaptive organism is an evolutionary fluke, a rare subspecies of humanoid with little or nothing to add to society.”

The study concluded that the organism isn’t likely to propagate its worthless DNA anyway, since it is expected to become extinct on the evening of February 14.