The 5 year plan…. A way to scew people up!

Stacey, I am thinking of writing a blog post about how society is programming kids?

What?

Oh my gosh, yes!!!

Yeah, both of our lives didn't exactly follow that path.

Yes!! Lets make it happen!

12:00 AM Scotland

Oh? I know what you could call it!

Something to do with the 5 year plan?!

Do you remember that conversation?

Hey, I actually have a lot to say on the topic, shall we write it together?

Stacey goes to sleep, as it is so late and figures she will work on something the following day. Becky, who has been thinking about this a while knocks out some thoughts. Stacey wakes up with many different feelings and emotions surrounding the issue. She checks here Facebook and comes across the Huffington Post article promoting to get rid of Weddings and Baby Showers and celebrate achievement and success. So obviously we are not the only ones contemplating the issue of how kids are programed and the effects that it can have on their lives. We know- first hand.

Thoughts from Becky:

How we program our kids?! We are told very early on that there is a plan for success...you go to high school, you go to college, you meet someone in college that you will marry but first you must get a job....you will be in that job for a couple years and at that moment the Mr. Right you met in college will propose, you will then get married and after 1 or 2 years you will have kids and some how magically your husband will make enough money for you to have two cars, go out on dates, get your hair done (which costs and arm and a leg), and not work....now I am not saying that some people don't get this but a lot of us do not get it. Some how magically this is the progression that you are told will lead to a perfect life. Everyone (everyone as in Church leaders, Parents, friends, family members, movies, TV Shows) seems to say this to you as you are growing up and with all of that programming through the years I feel it now has made people totally feel inadequate and especially women. The reality is that there is no Mr. Right...the reality is that most of us women need to work now, the reality is you may actually want to work, and the reality is you may not fit into this perfect puzzle. When you don't fit into this puzzle society seems put endless judgment on you and at least with me I beat myself up over and over with it.

So here is my deal...I am a women who waited like 10 years to have kids with my husband and decided to start my career first. My career is in full swing and I have to say I am doing pretty well...but now that I have kids the world seems to make me feel guilty because I may actually want to work. How do I give up something I have been working so long for? It does not mean I don't love my children but I also just feel like there is more that I want for myself. I will never forget going to California and when I told people I was pregnant with our second baby the absolute first thing someone said to me was "so now that you are going to have two kids are you going to work?" I mean really??!!! Are you kidding me? So hear is my answer to that question....Yes I like to work, would I like to spend more time with kids...yes but I also like to take nice vacations, not live in the ghetto, I like to get my eyebrows waxed, my hair highlighted, pay for private school for my kids and drive a some what nice car. So guess what...I am choosing to work...Not only for my own sanity but also to give my family some nice opportunities. I am not against women who can afford to stay home...more power to you if you can do that. I just can't.

I want my children to understand there are so many ways of making life work and they need to find the right path for them...It maybe not be getting married...not having kids...it maybe becoming a CEO or even being someone who lays brick. There are many paths to being happy and not just one path will work. Since this path does not work for most of the world then why do we program this into our heads of what perfect is suppose to look like and why do we tell our children from such an early age that this path is what we as women need to do.

I spend a lot of time with younger people who are just starting out in life and it seems most of them are feeling so much burden by the thought that life is not working out the way it is suppose to be. I think my age group has felt this pretty strongly but I think girls just starting out now is feeling it even more then I did. We seem to criticize them for not having a path, not knowing what they want to do...but are we as parents really giving them the skills to figure that out ? They seem to be feeling like they are disappointing their parents or their parents friends because they can't seem to fit into this mold that we are telling them that life is suppose to be and they get stuck on the hamster wheel.

I know that my sister and I both did not fit into this mold and we both seem to be fine and still making an impact on the world. We both took very different paths...my sister is not married yet, traveling the world, getting her PHD and doing all sorts of awesomeness....but why does she feel like she has failed? Or me...I can't afford to not work and if I want to give my kids the life I want to give them I need to work....so why do I feel like I have failed as a parent? Not sure I have the answer...except I want to break this pattern with my kids.

I want Jillie and Wyatt to make their own path and I don't want to put these foolish ideas of what perfect is in their heads...because in the end I am going to love them for whoever they become even if they don't go to college or follow the five year plan :)..I am also learning as I get older to learn to be happy in the moment and not worry so much about these ideas that have been programmed in me of what a women should be!!

In Conclusion: Our five year plans were different than originally laid out. Becky is a working mom and wife and living it up. Stacey is an expat, working towards a PhD and living it up. We hope that you can find your own guilt free way to enjoy the life that you lead.

Thoughts from Stacey:

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. Sitting at the dining room table, mom was thrilled to empower her girls to grow up and be successful women with the knowledge, skills and abilities to take care of themselves. I remember the purpose of the conversation. I know that her intentions were not malicious ones, and she had every desire to show us a different way then the society showed her how to fit in as a woman. Now even without children to pass this information onto- here I sit reflecting on my womanhood wondering what type of message I would want to share with young girls of future generations. Mom first and foremost wanted us to be happy and independent. She didn't want us to succumb to the life of taking care of a man, and being dependent on a man for the rest of our lives. Rather, she wanted to prepare us for a life where we could take care of ourselves if something happened to our future men. That we would grow up, be smart and educated and not need some other person to basically survive. We both understand her original purpose and do thank our mom for instilling the value of independence in us; however, the message was clear- there would be a man, we just had to wait for the perfect time to find him. While we were waiting for that time, we were preparing to be successful women who didn't actually need him if he turned out to be a douche, or worse died before we celebrated silver and gold years.

Let me back up, and describe the "5 year plan" or the "order of operations," if you will. You graduate high school, you go to college, you meet a man in college, you graduate college, you get a job, marry the man, have 1 to 2.5 kids and live happily ever after. My mom can do math- and we know that this wouldn't just take 5 years, but the point was you don't get knocked up in high school, you go get an education, you fall in love, you get a job that you can take care of yourself and then you get married and have the picket fenced life.

With so many young girls having children at young ages, I do appreciate the effort to help us understand the path we were supposed to take. A path that seemed pretty obstacle free. However, both my sister and I didn't take this path that was originally outlined at the kitchen table so long ago. Actively choosing to not to take the path, or arriving at a different path because the original one just never happened left my sister and I both at times feeling guilty, pressured, unsure, stressed and a whole load of other feelings that simply are unhealthy for you mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually. All because of a path not traveled.

Personally, I made it through the first couple parts of this path just fine. Graduated high school and didn't make more children while I was a child-check!!. I went to College. (If you are in the UK college in the US is the same as University, and if I ever refer to anything as school it doesn't just mean little kid school). I had a teacher while in college that had us put together a time line of what our life looked like over the next 5 to 10 years! I made the plan, with some alterations- I would find a husband, get married, go back for a masters degree and then have kids and be a stay at home mom. Ill never forget the red pen markings when I got my timeline back- "what a waste of an education"- more programming maybe? So you can't do both? You can't value education and value having kids? Sigh- all of these different messages. But, my 5 year plan was the one I held onto most. But, while in college I didn't meet a man. Uh-Oh. I mean, don't get me wrong, I met and dated, but I guess I never met "the man." I graduated college and began my career.

Anyway, I have been In and out of relationships constantly feeling like a failure. I was completely off course. When was my picket fence supposed to be built? Since I didn't meet someone while in college, where would I ever meet someone? Was I just meant to be a career woman? Maybe I was meant to alter my timeline and skip all the love and not waste my education after all.

After graduation, I moved, continued to develop the career, continued to be a failure at relationships (or at least drawing in my fair share of abusers, losers, and users.. future book in the making) and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me- why could I do so well at every other aspect of my life and not this one? Why did the 5 year plan seem so easy when it was first told to me? I have continued to steer farther away from the 5 year plan- maybe its just really the 10 year or 20 year plan.

As this has happened, as I now am approaching 30, I still struggle with what path I am on and its a daily decision to embrace the life that I have and be happy in the now and not grieve the path that I thought was supposed to be on. Don't get me wrong- I love my life. I love where I am at today. I enjoy every moment. But this was not something that has come naturally. These feelings of happiness are a daily decision that I have had to make to accept that I took a road less traveled. I took my own road.

I firmly believe I am not alone with these feelings. And because I do sometimes feel this grief and struggle with this idea of loss of something I have never had in the first place, and occasionally fear of never finding the one who is supposed to make me "complete," it makes me wonder what I can even say or do to help others get to a place of peace and acceptance, to a place of embracing their roads, their own paths- unique to the individual lives walking them. I have begun to contemplate how we can raise future generations in a way to not feel a void for something they may have never had in the first place. To feel as if their lives are already full; to not feel like a failure if they don't check the boxes for a path that might not be theirs after all.

A successful life is a happy life. A successful path is one walked while smiling. We should celebrate success and we should celebrate happiness. Happiness is unique to all of us and I know that we have all struggled with it from time to time, and thats ok, but remember it is a decision. You may find happiness through a five year plan- that includes a college education, husband and 1.5 kids. You may find happiness through educational development or a career. You may find happiness in a monastery in Tuscany. There is not one path to happiness.

Most importantly, teaching children at an early age to be reflective people and solid decision makers will help them grow into the people they are meant to become. Help them learn how to make choices that lead to their happiness. A discussion of decision making and consequences both good and bad might be the answer. I say all of this because at the end of the day- we have to be responsible for the choices we make in life. Thus, raising children, working with or mentoring young people is the perfect opportunity to model being reflective, share strategies that will help them develop their own ability to reflect and make decisions that at the end of the day they will either be proud of, or learn from.

So if you are reading this and are a new parent with the amazing visions for what the little ones will grow up to become- instead of creating specific hopes and dreams for them- just get excited to get to know the person you created, while you model happiness, solid decision making and reflection- I betcha anything you will guide them to the path less traveled- their own.

If you are reading this and you are in the same stage of life as I am.. know that you are not alone. Know that there are probably thousands of women out there who feel or have felt the exact same way before. You are complete. I know you desire love (as we all do) but simply embrace your present and walk your path proudly, guilt free and don't miss out on the opportunities that your life your path will present to you just because you are too busy struggling on a path that wasn't yours to begin with.

I am days away from change.. I am days away from waving good bye to my friends...

And boy.... I am going to miss you all. Each of you hold a very special place in my heart, that words can't fully express. I have 10 days left here before I make this transition to Edinburgh, Scotland and I can't leave without saying Thank You. Thank you for bringing joy and laughter into my life. Thank you for teaching me about what it means to be a friend. Thank you for sharing part of your life with me. Thank you for time. Thank you for encouragement. Thank you for support. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for believing in me.

I am days away from change ..Gonna take my dreams out there and lay them on the table. ..

It is with your support and encouragement that I can make this huge leap. I want to find myself. Truly discover who I am and what I can do. I want to make a difference in my profession and the lives of the Deaf and Hard of Hearing people that I serve and the students that cross my path. I know in my heart this is the next step in the right direction. So although it is hard to pick up and leave my life here. I know that it will be alright, because in the end this is what I need to do to.

Sooner or later a change must come. Oh, sooner or later we become.

I hope I can continue to become someone that will make each of you proud. I hope I can become someone that I am proud of. I pray that as each of you continue on your journey that you too will welcome change when it comes and be willing to become the person that you are meant to be.

Goodbyes are hard... even if they are "see ya laters"

July 4th as many of you were celebrating America's independence I was up bright and early and on a plane to California. This trip was bittersweet. On June 28th, I lost my grandmother. My dad's mom. Although she was living in Arkansas when she passed away, it was her desire to be buried next to her parents in California. Due to the Holiday, I was off work, and with a lot of Southwest Points I was able to make the trip.

Death is a hard thing to understand, really. No matter the faith, it is hard to wrap your mind around. One minute a person is there and the very next second they are not. One minute you have the chance to say, "I love you", "I'm sorry", "I forgive you", "thank you" and the next minute you only wish you would have said those words. I know that it happens all too often that people we love pass on and we wish we could have said so many things. It is when death comes that we can be reminded to make sure that we are filling each minute here on earth telling people the things that matter most. It has made me sad watching my own dad grieve the loss of his mother, and makes me even sadder to think about when I have to walk down that road. The idea of losing a parent brings tears to my eyes and chills up my spine. They are your forever backbone, how are they there one minute and gone the next? Makes you not want to take that time for granted.

I was able to see my grandfather, who is missing his wife so much. They were married for over 60 years. They did everything together. I remember how my grandpa cut out wooden pieces, and build small furnishings for my grandma to paint. They were both very creative. No wonder my dad can do pretty much anything he puts his mind to. In fact, all of the boys (my uncles & dad) can do pretty much anything. Very handy. Many of you have had my peanut butter/chocolate cookies that I give out around Christmas time. My grandma taught me out to make those when I was younger. I have made them pretty much every year since! She also taught me how to make Jam! I can't say that I have made jam since, but if I ever get the desire I know she will be the first person I think of. My grandma took me to the precious moments chapel/museum, a trip I won't ever forget. Did you even know they had such a thing? Well they do and it is amazing. I also smile when I think about my visits to arkansas, I remember that when visiting and going for a ride, grandma would be sure to put a pillow in the back seat, because she knew that I would quickly be asleep.

Although I can't say that my grandma and I were as close as some grandmother/granddaughter relationships are. I can say that she was a very special lady. She worked hard and she loved her family. She loved her family so much, that before she passed away she left a note for us all to know that she loved us and was proud of all of our accomplishments. I am also thankful that she met my grandpa, and that they decided to have some kids. She carried, birthed, and raised my dad, and he is a really good man.

Grandpa Billy

While in San Diego, I was able to spend some time with my mom's mom who I am very close to. The idea of losing her is something I can't think about because it just makes me sad. However, after learning that she plans to live to 100 to land her beautiful face on a Smuckers Jam Jar brings me some peace knowing that she has many years left. She will make it on that jar, there is no doubt in my mind. (If you didn't know, apparently when you reach 100 you can apply to have your face on a jar and then it is flashed on a morning talk show..)

Grandma June

I mean look at that smile!? Can you believe she is 81? All I can say is I hope that I have as many genes that this lady has, that keep me young looking forever. She is fun, fit, and full of life. She is a great lady and quite a strong woman. A role model for many. I didn't have to say a long good-bye to her because she is coming to wish me off this August. I did have some other goodbyes to say, and they were a bit tough. Although the individuals probably don't realize how tough the goodbye was, it was tough and I kept my tears in check for my own quiet time.

As I head out and say goodbye to many of my friends and family I want you to know that you are each welcome to come visit. Yes, the move is temporary but as we all know with moves-Life goes on. I have moved enough to know that you have to make an effort to keep in touch. I have been great with some relationships and not so great with others. Yet, I want each of you out there in California and those in Arkansas, to know that I love you, I think of you often and hope that you have a wonderful year. Whether its at work, at school, in retirement, or a new adventure of your own.

It was bittersweet to go to California to bury my grandmother. I am thankful for the chance to not only participate in her services, see family that I hadn't seen in years and also see family and friends one last time before I head out on this adventure.