Wango Tango Foxtrot

I guess we should have known back in the late ‘70s when Ted Nugent came out with Cat Scratch Fever, that maybe his cheese was starting to slide off his cracker. Now I’m not even sure he could find his cheese with a GPS and a guide dog. The older he gets, the more unhinged he gets, too. Recently at an NRA rally, he was quoted as saying, “If Barack Obama is elected, I’ll either be dead or in jail this time next year.”

Nugent also compared Obama and his administration with coyotes that need to be shot, and stated, “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November.” To me, that seems to be just a touch threatening. The Secret Service agrees with me and a few of them are going to go pay Theodore a little visit. The fact that he said all this in front of a group of people who really, really love their guns is bit disturbing, as well.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything deranged coming from Nugent. After all, he’s the guy who used his underwear as a toilet for an entire week straight so he could dodge the draft back in the ’60s. In a 1990 interview with Free Press, he actually admitted that for 30 days prior to his draft board physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. Ten days prior he ingested nothing but junk food and Pepsi. A week prior is when he began dropping deuces in his pants.

Nugent’s poopapalooza wasn’t about protesting the Vietnam War, either. Back in ‘77, in an interview in High Times, he clarified his stance, “So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break! I was busy doin’ it to it. I had a career, Jack.”

Well, as long as his actions were for such noble causes. Just think, without him dodging the draft we might have never known these stellar lyrics from Wango Tango, “I got salivate late, salivate late, salivate late.” Thanks, pants pooper!

So what about Nugent’s remarks? Do they warrant a visit from the Secret Service or do they fall under free speech? Should we be able to make thinly veiled violent comments about our president? Obviously, direct threats should be investigated, but where do we draw the line? I think it’s a difficult one to put down. I am 100% for free speech as long as it isn’t threatening or doesn’t incite others to violence.

If we’re against a president, we should have the right to speak out nonviolently against him or her. However, any violent remarks should be met with an invitation to tea by the Secret Service.

Nugent isn’t worried about his visit with the Secret Service guys, though, and went as far as saying, “Well, first of all, let me just say that the Secret Service are my buddies. They work for me. I pay their salaries.”

I’m pretty sure that statement is merely a lot of posturing coming from Nugent. It’s his way of fluffing out his feathers in the hopes that we’ll be distracted by his plumage and won’t notice that he’s come full circle and is once again pooping himself. I’m sure the Secret Service will understand.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can leave her a note at rabirdsell@gmail.com.