Diary of a Snow Shoveler...

December 2 - 12:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season
and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like
a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I
love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed
in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.
This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l
wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel the city will have it done and bill
me. I think
he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?She says
she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch
who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes
down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the
damn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to
replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb
does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now
suing me for a million dollars not only the beating gave him but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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