The Truths of Lesbian Dating

“She’s butch,” my newly single friend said, as if that explained everything.

“Right,” I nodded, because I thought it did.

“But.she.didn’t.make.the.first.move.” She spoke as if to a three-year-old, albeit one moonlighting as a psychotherapist.

“Right,” I said. “Because she’s butch.”

My friend sat back in her chair. “But, I thought that meant she would make the first move.”

I still claim my laugh was of the gentle, accepting variety.

“You sound like Ursula the Sea-witch,” she said. “What’s so funny?”

My friend isn’t some recently-out nineteen-year-old. She’s had her share of long term relationships; she’s been to the Michigan Women’s Festival, for Christ sake. If she doesn’t know this Basic Lesbian Truth, then what’s to become of all the 20-year-olds stumbling from bar to Okcupid profile, donning Hanes when they prefer Agent Provocateur; shocked when that chick who fronts like Don Draper morphs into Katie Holmes in bed?

By now you may have noticed I enjoy a good list. Possibly there are some circumstances under which a list becomes unnecessary. For example, my itemized catalogue of Sexual Positions: Best to Worst did not always go over well when I was on the dating scene. Especially when I helpfully unfolded it post-coitus. But in this case, a list is warranted. Websites have FAQ’s, appliances have manuals, why must the intricacies of lesbian dating practices be learned on the fly?

I’ve polled a group of Lesbian Dating Experts (Read: random Facebook friends) to create a comprehensive — rather than a FAQ let’s call it a FUCT (Frequent Unfortunate and Confusing Truisms)*

*Note to Grumpy Lesbians: I’m certain many of you do not fit these stereotypes (No, I’m not.). If for example, you’re a butch who makes the first move, please don’t write me glowering comments; I can think of a much better use for your time. Here, let me find my list…

Lesbian Dating FUCT:

The first rule of lesbian dating is you do not talk about lesbian dating. Just kidding. No really.

If her Okcupid profile says she has a great sense of humor, she doesn’t.

If she resembles Bad Willow in her profile photo, remember, it doesn’t matter how much you love bad Willow, anyone who looks like that is either time traveling from 1999 or works at American Apparel.

If she doesn’t have a profile picture — do you even need me to finish this sentence?

No matter how obvious you think you’re being, it isn’t obvious enough. See also:Texting her an Emoji dancing doll icon from your iphone does not count as making the first move.

Butches do not make the first move.

No one makes the first move.

There’s no such thing as a first move.

Here’s how to tell if you’re on a date: Psych! What am I, Nostradamus? There’s no way to tell.

She’ll text you “I want you to do me in the bathroom,” but she’ll offer her cheek when you go to kiss her goodnight.

If she uses the word “triggered” back away.

If she says “No one could ever really love me,” for God sake believe her.

If she says she has “abandonment issues,” what she means is she will hide your car keys. If you find them, she will hang onto your legs. If you shake her off she will fall to her knees in the driveway weeping. (Not that I’ve been there or anything.)

If her cat hates you, you’re screwed.

If her ex hates you, you’re screwed.

If her ex likes you, you’re screwed.

You’re screwed.

She says, “I want it to be special; let’s wait.” She means “I have intimacy issues.”

She says “I just want to hold you.” She means “I’m actually straight.”

If she says she likes sex because it “I don’t know, just…feels good,” run.

If she says she likes sex because it’s an effective means toward building an emotional connection, run.

If it’s been two months and you’re still only talking about sex, run.

Saying you’re “not emotionally ready” functions as foreplay.

Talking about past relationships functions as foreplay.

Brandi Carlile concerts function as foreplay.

Tops, it’s your responsibility to purchase a new dildo for a new relationship. (Don’t fight me on this; I’m a “rules” girl.)

Bottoms…up!

She texts “I can tell you’re not over your ex; let’s just be friends :)” She means, “I can tell you’re not into me so I’m going to preemptively end things and pin the blame on you.

No, you can’t change her.

Yes, she’ll try to change you.

You are not the exception to anything, if she cheats her way into the relationship, she’ll cheat her way out.