The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Wayne, New Jersey: Where the Mall is Open on Sundays...

Allow me to take a brief moment to stand on my soapbox and say something personal:

I LOVE it when people nag me about when the commentary will be posted.

For every ounce of sarcasm that pours out of my mouth, that is meant with COMPLETE sincerity. I don't play guitar but if I did, I'd probably be a youtube star right now (I wouldn't be) and I would say things like, "This is for the fans. You guys make it all worth it. All the blood sweat and tears, it's all worth it because of you guys..."

Fortunately I can report that there are no "blood or tears" that go into this post, and "sweat" only because I happen to naturally perspire more than the average person, but knowing that people are even vaguely entertained by my writing just.... *sniff* you guys are great, ok?!

MOVING ON

Perr uze: To whom it may concern: I mean no harm. I have no doubt that all these women are delightful, but if you voluntarily subject yourself to the editors of national television, you’re subjecting yourself to Grace’s commentary. And pretty much anything that's funny on here can be credited to a one Lincee Ray, my Bachelor Blogging Idol. (Yes I did just say those three words and no, I will not be taking them back...)

Can we talk about Hare's ominous opening words? “Hopefully I’ll see everyone at the next rose ceremony...”

Hare obviously knows this season is full of crazies. He high-fived (former) Bachelor Intern Jacob (someone has to oversee the interns on set) as he walked out, because they placed six Ben Franklins against the naive interns that at least one girl would see themself out before this week's rose ceremony...Here's what happened: There were two group dates and a one-on-one. Jade was chosen for the one-on-one by Chris's sisters, and ABC was forced to peddle the parent company's "Cinderella" and blah blah Jade got really dressed up, yada yada... Crossfit-Champion-who-parades-as-a-"News Producer" Jillian got sent home from the second group date, after failing to impress Chris in her one on one time.

The producers LOVE getting footage of the girls speculating about what the date card could possibly mean (to later laugh and high five each other about how off-base the girls were) and we hear a slew of jabs about the girls who wear too much make-up. Baby Mak and Kelsey (the widow-guidance-counselor who NO ONE knew about until this week) seemed to be perpetuating most of it, although Jillian tried to pitch herself as an au naturale type... May I just take a brief moment to remark that women (girls) like Jillian are why I don't wear a lot of make-up? The difference between Jillian with make-up and Jillian without make-up is simply TERRIFYING.

On the drive up to the lake, we learn that to Ashley I, there is nothing sexier than a man driving a car…

...Is it just me, or does that speak of her inexperience more clearly and plainly than any late-night tent conversations?

The Living Room Peanut Gallery hopped on the Kelsey Train on this date like we were getting paid for it. Let's Raise 'Em Up for some memorable Kelsey quotes at the lake:

- On skinny-dipping: “For me… it’s not exactly appropriate the start undressing in front of a guy… If you have dignity and self-respect, you want to call it quits…”

- On miserable dates: “I wanna be where I wanna be and I don’t wanna be HERE.”

- On lakes: "I'm from Michigan and... this is NOT a lake."

Johnny: She's obviously from Lake Superior...

Ohhhh and coming in strong with the memorable quotes this week was Ashley I: “So yeah... I guess you could say I'm a camping virgin and a virgin camping."

Get OUT of here!

Let me be clear: There are three types of girls (and RIGHT REASONS, if you will) in Bachelornation:

1) Girls who are there for the Bachelor

2) Girls who are there for the ratings

3) Girls who don’t know why they’re there, but become SO fiercely competitive in the process that they forego all common sense to keep their eye on the prize (See: Jillian.) We see plenty of interview footage of these girls, but hardly any one-on-one time. Ashley I. is in this third category. As soon as that rose came out of the cooler, her eyes flew out of her skull and she started foaming at the mouth. (And yes, as rough as they tried to make this date look, there was PLENTY of frozen, freshly-packed meat for them the interns to cook #glamping)

Straight up: I'm very undecided about Kaitlyn. It must be the Southern-Living-reading, Fruit-Tea-Drinking, Pearl-wearing belle deep down inside of me (oh let's face it: she's hidden from no one) that found Kaitlyn's opening line to Prince Farming to be a hard one from which to recover...

So unfortunately, I might end up saying something like this to her face:

HOWEVER. She doesn't seem to get really sloppy (which is a real rarity this season) she gets along with other girls, she has funny commentary, and she truly seems to get along with Chris...

That being said, I will give her points for her conversation about "The Five Love Languages."

But then she loses points when she goes on and on about how "fake" Kelsey is being... Kelsey Train or no, LRPG agreed that Kelsey isn't being fake so much as she's... playing the game well. And I don't even mean Bachelor Game, I mean Be Attractive Game. Of COURSE she whines and carries on about Lake Superior but is all smiles when Chris comes around the corner - she knows that Lake Superior Kelsey isn't going to score too many points with Prince Farming, so she puts on a better version of herself around him. I don't think this is unreasonable.

We didn't see too much of the conundrum that is Ashley S (remember when I once referred to Ashely I as "un-Crazy Ashely?")

But we did get some bits and pieces of her one-on-one time with Farming and I will leave you all with this verbal gem that she handed us: "I hope that resonates within your mind tonight... I like, love you... You don’t have to say anything in regards to that...."

I'll let this do the talking...

Aaaaaaand then we have Ashley I's one on one time. She had a great opener:

Ashley: “I feel like I’m in middle school and I have a unibrow and lunchbox in my hand”Johnny: Perfect seduction. Talk about unibrows. Keep going.

LRPG Carolyn and Johnny have money on Ashely I going in the tent. My money is still on Kaitlyn.

.....Carolyn and Johnny high-fived each other as we heard the closing line of the night:

Ashley I: “I’m not a hook up girl,”Grace: …she says, as she makes out with Chris in a tent.

One on One Date: Jade

(as told by The Three Sisters)

Thoughts about the Sister Interviews:
(I have chosen NOT to edit this stream of consciousness, for entertainment purposes)

- I’ll give Bible Study Whitney points for acknowledging that Chris’s sisters asked the "right questions" that helped her understand a little bit more about who they were. Helium tank or no, it's an insightful remark...

- What is that yellow paper that the one sister is holding?

- Carly is getting real with the sisters right now and I am ok with it.

- Becca is about to hyperventilate

- Was the yellow paper a list of felonies? DUIs? Mini Headshots?

- Did Jade really launch her own make-up line?

- Johnny: "If you sewed together all of the contestants’ outfits from just now, you’d make up ONE outfit that the sister is wearing."

This is how Johnny felt, after that remark... Rightfully so...

- Let’s talk about what’s in the kitchen right now… Artichokes, Almond Milk… and M & Ms. (Is it a choice to have the M&M's in the background of this shot of Jade right now? #Cinderella)

I won't even remark on the waste-of-time that is this shameless movie plug, but I WILL remark upon the fact that I like this a helluva lot better than the Highland games that they did on Emily Maynard's season for Brave... or the movie that Dez and Juan Pablo sat through after that terrible movie stunt date... OR WHO COULD FORGET THE AWKWARD DATE WITH COACH LAST SEASON, after The Hundred Foot Journey??!

On a commercial break, we hear Hare advertise: "We are looking for guys to date our next Bachelorette…"

Johnny: I WILL. I am 25. I am Bachelorette old. I’m well-educated. I’ve read three books. And I love to drink. I'm perfect for this show.

Back to the Ball:

Unlike Ashley I, I can’t say that I have ever felt like a middle-schooler around Chris… until I saw him doing the box step with himself...

Suddenly a slew of middle school memories are upon me, as I relive every moment of the box step that we had to dance to, to Sugar Ray's "Someday." (Shoutout to Big Daddy, who still had the guts to be seen in public with me - we went to Wendy's afterwards. True story.)

THE STRUGGLE WAS REAL. Holly Ball. #NeverForget2001

My middle school angst is somewhat soothed as I see the set of stairs that Jade has to descend...

Carolyn: Oh that’s not fair.Johnny: It isn’t Cinderella without the stairs!

Grace: …if she makes it down them…

(She made it down the stairs, apparently)

Jade: And there Chris is, looking so so handsome.Grace: And here I am, literally DRIPPING in diamonds.

(Later at dinner)

Jade: “I was engaged… but it didn't happen, soooo…”

Chris: I was engaged too... We dated for seven years.

Grace: (as Jade) And it was me. You were engaged to me.

Johnny: (also as Jade) Surprise! Good disguise, right? But it's the same me that you dated for seven years!

(Later on the dance floor)

Grace: Well he is a good dancer.

Johnny: Cody taught him how.

The LRPG realizes that there could be some truth to the fact that Cody might have taught Farming how to waltz on a platform that is LITERALLY two square feet. And if you fall off, you kill a violinist, so the stakes are HIGH.

I think I like Jade? I feel like we still don't really know who she is... Does she have a kid or two? Has she dated women? I don't think those two are necessarily news items, however in Bachelornation, we all know: THEY'RE NEWS ITEMS. I feel like we're waiting for her to drop a bomb about something... Maybe she's really great. Who knows.

And now presenting... her Rachesty, Princess Ashely. From Wayne, New Jersey.

...Where the mall is open on Sundays.

Ashley is REALLY upset about not getting the Cinderella date. So, SO upset. She even packed a princess dress for a princess date that she'll never get to wear now. (Just for the record, that brings us to a total of TWO outfits which she has openly whined about not having a chance to wear... Exhibit A: see "red Kim Kardashian dress")

Apparently a Rolls Royce is her "element," but we're left to wonder, seeing how she's in her "princess dress" sulking on an ear of corn...

Grace: Princess Ashley, in all her ratchet glory... Hailing from Wayne, New Jersey.

Johnny: Where the mall is open on Sundays.

Carolyn: Huh?

Johnny: The mall is open on Sundays. I'm from Allendale, which is a few towns over, and everyone knew that retail stores were closed on Sunday, but you could always go to Wayne, cause the malls were open on Sunday...

....I think we're done, here.

Group Date:Muddy Obstacle Course

Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, Becca

Blah blah they got really muddy and dirty in wedding dresses (I pity the girls stuck with the strapless numbers) Jillian LITERALLY left everyone in the dust, thus earning a one-on-one date with Prince Farming.

Johnny: Anyone seen The Interview? It’s on Netflix.Grace and Carolyn: Nope. Not interested.Johnny: Me neither, I just was wondering if either of you had seen it, cause I’d watch it if you found it interesting…Grace: you know what I don’t find interesting? Jillian on this date.

Jillian truly seems like a nice girl. Frighteningly different with and without make-up, but a genuinely nice girl. I'd love for her to be my trainer. But I wouldn't want her to be my best friend.

You know who I would want as my bestie? CARLY.

On losing the obstacle course to Jillian: “I should have trained. I should have run a mile, like… every day… for five years.”

Prince Farming actually had the guts to send Jillian packing... Something about "alls I can do is..." At least on the bright side, the piano music in the background of this heavy rejection right now is GREAT.

Rose Ceremony:

My thoughts, again without editing:

- Which Ashley is crazier? It’s literally a toss-up right now…

Ashley I on her virginity: Some people guess it and some people don’t…Chris: They guess it? How do they guess it?Grace: Seriously, how?

- I'll go ahead and say that I respect Baby Mak for being friends with Ashley I. It's clearly no easy task. Together they are just a HUGE mess, but I'll still give some points to Baby Mak about it... She remarked that Ashley has a way of "taking the tiniest little thing and blowing it up really big."

...I'D SAY THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY, BABY MAK.

- The chronology of this evening is very unclear. Either the editors took one bout of AshleyCrying and ran with it, or she legitimately broke down SEVEN DIFFERENT TIMES. It's a toss-up. During one of those seven times, poor Nashville Megan got stuck in the bathroom with her. Megan gets it, ok y'all? She gonna put on more hairspray about it, cause that’s what we do in Nashville, y’all.

Oh and eventually we hear Ashley say, “If he sends me home after that conversation, that would be mean…" (followed by a vigorous Jersey eye roll) It would be mean, you guys!

Kaitlyn: We’ve got two virgins in the house!Johnny: ...And one of them is crazy!

- In a very, VERY un-crazy way, Britt called Farming the eff out, for "giving Kaitlyn the rose and basically endorsing nudity and indecent behavior..."

Chris's response was... not one. He finished his nonsense with “I’m glad to have had this conversation…”WHAT CONVERSATION?! He just said so much nonsense that it isn’t even real. He then stated, “I’m a man and Im’ma handle it like a man…”

...And then in typical man fashion, he put the entirety of the burden on the women, by telling them that they could leave if they had a problem...

With the exception of a select few, I truly want more for the girls of this season. I really like a lot of them and cannot fathom why they would want to end up with a guy like Chris. (Most of the girls I like are in category 1 of "Right Reasons," but honestly... Farming just isn't worth it.)

Oh, and nobody worry: Hare and Jacob kept their money, based on the "out" clause in the bet. You see, Jacob said that he was putting money down that at least one girl would "see herself out" before the rose ceremony. And alarmingly, not one girl opted to leave this week. Not one. Fortunately Chris Harrison is a brilliant legal mind, in addition to brilliant Reality TV host, and he strode into the Intern Break room, snatched up the bills and said, "Ashley I saw herself out. Out of the closet. The virginity closet, you fools. She saw herself out. We win. Never question our predictions. Jacob? My satchel, please..."

And for the love of all things amazing, can we talk about that magical exit from Ashley S? Were those bird calls she was making? I don't even know, but I loved it. Loved every second of it. She is who she is. She has nothing to say to Chris. She feels nothing. No feelings. None.