Hello. So I'm new to just about everything and I mean everything. I'm 18 (almost 19) and just got my first ever boyfriend almost two months ago. He is 34, 16 years my senior, and has been in an open relationship with his fiance for four years now. I knew him for a few months before we actually got together from college. I am a very shy and quiet girl so it's hard for me to make friends sometimes but we hit it off right away as he was very outgoing and promised to break me out of my shell of shyness.

As we got to know each other I found out about his girlfriend and though I had never been in a relationship before I always thought of myself as open minded and was curious about the whole thing. Through out most of the quarter in college there was flirting between us which finally lead to the last day of school when I gave him my number. Since then we started seeing each other, mostly just on weekends since we live somewhat far apart and he is going to school full time again.

He has taken many of my firsts and introduced me to many new things, but I'm not with him just because of sexual desire. I truly enjoy being around him and even his fiance so it sometimes hurts to think of one of the main rules he had set when we first started seeing each other. That rule being that I cannot fall in love with him.

That one rule has caused me so much confusion and stress. When I first agreed to it I was not looking to fall in love and am still not. I'm not looking to move in with him or get married, but I do feel strongly about him and hope our relationship can last a long while. What if I did unknowingly fall for him though? Would that mean we would have to breakup because of that love?
I have also noticed that I have become increasingly jealous of his fiance and their relationship. Its so confusing though because part of what I like about him is how much he loves and trusts her. Maybe I just wish I was the primary partner?

Any advice on how to overcome my worries and insecurities would be greatly appreciated.

Anneintherain

08-05-2012 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

What if I did unknowingly fall for him though? Would that mean we would have to breakup because of that love?

You should ask him that. You should also ask him if he fell for you, if he'd talk to his partner (and you) about it, and if there is flexibility in their agreements. (It cannot hurt to know that.) Some agreements are made in relationships that do change a LOT if people just speak up and negotiate. My husband and I have changed a lot of things we initially agreed to, and all it takes is somebody saying - hmm I don't think this is true for me anymore, can we talk about it again?

If the answer is "I'd kick you to the curb" I would leave, because I am worth more than that. (Ok I'd never date somebody who had that agreement because that's not polyamory, it's the opposite, but you know what I'm saying). Really I imagine you don't want to waste your vibrant youth falling for somebody who you aren't "allowed" to care about "too much"

Perhaps you are jealous because upfront you were denied something that you don't even know if you want? Envious because they've agreed not to "share" his heart. Is he saying he is polyamorous, and if so, how does he explain the no feelings allowed thing?

snowmelt

08-05-2012 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

That rule being that I cannot fall in love with him.

A rule like this always comes from a couple who is very insecure about their own relationship. It's unrealistic. Imagine sitting down with a scheduling calendar and a "to do" list and deciding who you're going to fall in love with, when and why. Unrealistic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

When I first agreed to it I was not looking to fall in love and am still not.

See above. Unrealistic for you as well as them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

I'm not looking to move in with him or get married, but I do feel strongly about him and hope our relationship can last a long while.

Ok, but what exactly does this mean? What do you want? What is a relationship to you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

What if I did unknowingly fall for him though? Would that mean we would have to breakup because of that love?

Exactly, that's why a rule like that is unrealistic. Think about it - break up because of love?

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146574)

I have also noticed that I have become increasingly jealous of his fiance and their relationship. Its so confusing though because part of what I like about him is how much he loves and trusts her. Maybe I just wish I was the primary partner?

I would tell him you're no longer going to follow the don't fall in love rule, and see how he responds to that. Then drop your own expectations of what this relationship is and consider it an adventure in learning about yourself. Chances are this couple is not good for you, because they are insecure. They're trying to control who falls in love with who. You're still getting to know yourself. Their insecurities are getting in the way of that.

CielDuMatin

08-05-2012 03:44 PM

Savygirl, I tend to agree with the other answers that have already been posted - the idea that someone try to place rules around another person's feelings is quite a bad warning sign.

This prompts me to ask - have you met his girlfriend? How do you know that they have an open relationship? Is it just because he has told you this? Have you actually been able to verify this?

If this is just about sex, then this may be an "open relationship" but it's not polyamory, which is everything about love (and the sex that goes with the love).

My guess is that you have already kinda of fallen in love with him, yes?

GalaGirl

08-05-2012 11:30 PM

Quote:

That rule being that I cannot fall in love with him.

Is this swinging or polyamory? Friend with benefits? What?

We can't help falling in love. It's a brain thing -- the cascade of hormones and pleasure goody feel goods. Google that, understand that. The neuroscience of falling in love. Because they (your poly peeps) don't seem to get that if they are making that a "rule" that you cannot fall in love.

And you -- remember that just because you fall in love, this doesn't have to be the only love in your life or even that you have to ACT on it!

If you stay in rship -- brain cascade will get you through the first year on crushing / love drunk. It's fun to feel. :) It's not enough to build a life on, but you don't sound like you want to build a life with this man. Sometimes it's enough for a while -- people come in your life for a reason, a season or for life. And the lifers (A season of a lifetime) are rare!

You don't sound like you have laid out a framework for how to be together in right relationship for X amount a time.

Spend time figuring out YOU wants, needs, limits for the next year(?) of this relationship. You can always review in a year and see what tweaks are needed for the next chunk of time. Then present them and check in with their wants, needs, limits. Even if you are not dating her you are in a metamour relationship with her and she may have wants, needs, limits to share. At the very least about the calendar scheduling and safer sex practices that could affect her!

Make SURE that the fiancee knows about you. You do not have to be friends, but it's nice to know all parties know it's open rship and you aren't being used like a cheater-y thing, right? Use safer sex practices. And do not promise exclusive. Continue to date. Take care of your emergency preparedness YOURSELF -- STD, unplanned pregnancy, etc. You do not need to have some kind of oops and be left in the lurch. I hope you are not. But let's keep it real. You are a dating single woman, and you take care of your own stuff. You are responsible for emergency preparedness.

You are young, and this IS your best dating time -- while a student in college with more time than most adults. Enjoy your young adult dating adventures. But see if you have a support group on campus for lesbigaytranspoly folk to help you navigate alternative loving. Explore resources like http://www.morethantwo.com/

HTH!

GalaGirl

savygirl25

08-06-2012 06:23 AM

Thank you all for your advice so far! It has given me a lot to think about and I will now clarify some things.

Firstly I have met with his fiance and she knows everything about our relationship. There aren't many rules that have been laid out between us but one of the major ones is honesty. I met her briefly on our first date together and made sure to verify with her that everything was alright and that she knew what was going on. She seemed perfectly fine with everything and even told me to calm down and relax some.

As for what our relationship actually is I was kind of confused at first too. We talked it over though and decided that girlfriend/boyfriend would be the best description. You see his fiance and him had been dating for three years long distance while they each continued to date and see other people until about a year ago when they moved in together. Since then they have only been swinging so I guess I can understand why there has been some insecurity.

While this relationship has caused me some stress I have learned a lot about myself and gained some much needed confidence. I'm also learning more about what it means to be in a relationship and while ours will eventually come to an end I don't think I'll have any regrets.

snowmelt

08-06-2012 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by savygirl25
(Post 146731)

While this relationship has caused me some stress I have learned a lot about myself and gained some much needed confidence. I'm also learning more about what it means to be in a relationship and while ours will eventually come to an end I don't think I'll have any regrets.

Very good. Sounds like a great start. Sounds like you learn fast.

GalaGirl

08-06-2012 02:01 PM

Ok, well it sounds like you are keeping it pretty real then.

Maybe just need a bit more clarity on expectations of the relationship and the "falling in love" thing?

Because honestly -- the first flush is brain cascade. The initial crush, then the pink fluffy lala clouds. New Relationship Energy is a high.

But that doesn't mean you cannot enjoy it for what it is, and then when the clouds clear a bit decided WITH INTENT what you want to do next, if anything.

GG

newtoday

08-06-2012 02:07 PM

Savygirl, your story and circumstances sound eerily similar to another member on here that had written several months ago. Her nickname was samines. Are you the same person under a new name? Just curious because the situations are quite parallel.

CielDuMatin

08-06-2012 02:20 PM

Here's what I (still) don't understand... you say that you want to call yourself "boyfriend and girlfriend" and that this is "more than sex" - so what is this "more than sex that isn't allowed to be love?"