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Month: August 2016

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C. S. Lewis

Another year over and you’re still troubled by a relationship that ended last year or in years past. The whole thing is dragging on too long—why can’t you just get over it? But every time you think about it or bump into your ex, you feel ruined again

How about giving your feelings another shake?

Rattle them in any direction—a new one. If it turns out to be the wrong direction you can correct that later, but just move them, any which way, get them out of the rut they’re in. One way to do this is by talking it through—even more than you already have.

Why?

Perhaps something remains unsaid for you, even now. Perhaps that’s why your feelings remain so strong. Or perhaps they’re entangled with non-relationship issues—a sense of getting older, time passing, concern about not having children, or the life you hoped for.

Perhaps part of you holds out hope you could get back together again. Perhaps you need to admit that and let go of it.

Maybe you fear you won’t meet anyone else like your ex. You won’t—but you will meet someone. Just they will be different.

Explore all this.

How It Helped Me

I attended a few counseling sessions a few months after the end of a relationship. It had been a few year, happy relationship that had started while we both worked for the same employer, but it burned out as our lives took us in different mental and geographic directions.

For the year after the breakup I got on okay with life, but the shine had gone. A veil hung between me and true engagement with the world. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes.

I honestly thought I had done all the talking I could at the time of the breakup—my ex and I had even attended couple-counseling together—but a year later, something still felt stuck in my chest.

So I sat myself down in front of a counselor. I didn’t want to or feel like it, but suddenly all this stuff came out of my mouth—stuff I found laughable or which fell away as I said it, stuff I didn’t know I’d been thinking. Apparently, it just wanted to get itself off my chest. And it had needed a year to mature sufficiently to do it.

I kept apologizing to the counselor for talking endlessly and not letting her get a word in. But it worked. I realized I was over the relationship, but not the process of its ending—the fatigue, the accusations, the indecisions, the reverberation among friends and family.

I was suffering a lingering childlike shock that such things could happen in life. Discovering this, and finally putting words to it, allowed those feelings to go.

Some other things I’ve learned along the way:

If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed by Emotion

You’ve just bumped into your ex and you’re feeling highly emotional. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings.

This is your mind panicking to get rid of emotions it cannot understand. The mind likes to understand things but can never understand the heart. Hearts have no logic.

So, abandon trying to comprehend what happened or why. After all, at this stage, is there anything your ex could say or do that would change how you feel?

Befriend the part of you that gets emotional. Don’t beat it up. It’s normal and healthy to feel how you feel. You’re alive!

Besides, emotion shows you have a heart and would not wish the same sorrow on others. This aspect of your personality is to be treasured. Wouldn’t you love it in anyone else?

So, instead of trying to quash emotion, ask “Is it possible for me to feel like this and still be okay?” Because your heart is stronger than you know; it is designed to handle being broken.

Loving Someone Does Not Mean You Should Be With!! Them

It also doesn’t mean that they’re good for you. Face this reality squarely. You can have a happy life, even with great sorrow in your heart, even while carrying loss.

Physically, your body is probably keeping going just fine and it’s only your mind that has the problem. Its idea that “things should have been different” conflicts with what actually happened, so it wedges your mental wounds open.

That causes the turmoil. Give in.

Admit: “This is exactly how it should have been. This is exactly how it is.” Shrug while saying it. Facing the truth is difficult. As a result, life may feel more painful, yet perhaps also more peaceful, because conflict with it is reduced.

Our Sorrowful Life and Happy Life Can Exist in Parallel

Author A.S.Byatt has occasionally spoken about the longevity of bereavement. She lost her son forty years ago. He was eleven.

Twenty years later she told an interviewer, “You don’t get over it and you suffer greatly from people supposing you will. You suffer from people not understanding the pain of grief.”

Another twenty years on, Byatt shared with another interviewer a metaphor she developed with her friend Gill Cadell, a widow. It involves parallel train tracks:

“One is appalling and one you just go along,” explained Byatt. “Gill said to me, ‘Is it alright to be pleased to see the flowers in the morning?’ And I said, ‘Oh yes, because the other track is always there.’”

The interviewer asked, “You mean the appalling track?”

“Yep.”

“And it’s still there?”

“Oh yes, it hasn’t changed.”’

You see, winter trickles into the beginnings of spring. It’s okay to try loving a new person while still loving your ex. The heart can simultaneously run along multiple tracks.

Making The Decision

My friend, who dabbles in life coaching , had a client who was still heartbroken eighteen months after breaking up with her boyfriend. The woman was explaining to my friend, in detail, how she felt—a curdle of sadness, anger, hurt—and how she was convinced she would never be able to move on.

My friend stopped her, saying, “And now tell me, how you will feel when you are over him?”

The woman described how free she would feel, how relieved that it was behind her, how keen she would be to get on with life, how confident and unafraid she would be if she happened to meet her ex.

My friend suggested, “So why don’t you just feel that now?”

The woman’s life transformed instantly.

For her, it was about making a decision to move on. If it has been a while since your relationship ended, perhaps this choice is also available to you. Play with the idea.

Five More Minutes and We’re Going On A Bike Ride

I remember a story about Kylie Minogue that went something like this. She had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and her boyfriend sometimes found her crying on the bathroom floor.

He would firmly tell her, “Okay, honey, you can cry for just five minutes, then I’m taking you on the bike for a ride.”

She’d think, “Hmm. Actually a bike ride sounds pretty good.”

This is the attitude to take. It doesn’t matter if sorrow comes again and again, just each time draw a line in the sand. And beyond that line make something else happen.

It Has Been Long Enough Now

People may tell you it’s time you got over your relationship. Like with bereavement, you don’t ever have to “get over” it, but you may need to more forcibly move yourself on, and if you’re stuck, to take a new approach to doing so.

Hurtful experiences, ones that emotionally and logistically reset our lives, leave us with two choices: open up more or close down.

The braver choice—the one that will allow new things to enter your life—is to open up.

So how about setting aside a few weeks to unfold this a little more? If you can’t climb out, dig out. Book yourself a few sessions with a counselor whether or not you feel like it or think it will help.

Go in, sit down, see what happens. Give your heart the chance to say everything it wants regarding the relationship and whatever is entwined with it. What emerges may surprise you.

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.wordpress.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. if you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

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Do Nice Guys/Gals Finish Last? Nice guys (and girls) approach relationships carefully and respectfully. And what do they get for all this thoughtfulness? Too often, it seems, nothing at all. When it comes to dating, nice guys/girls get the shaft—or at least it feels that way.

Playing the Odds vs. Playing to Win

While it may seem like the villain always nabs the guy/girl, is it really true? Or do we just perceive that bad guys/girls are luckier in love because when it does happen it strikes us as so unjust?

True, more assertive personalities tend to capture our attention more. But while such people leave an impression, it is not always a favorable one. Still, if you hit on 20 people and even one person finds it charming, you may be perceived as good with the ladies (or gents). By contrast, a person who approaches fewer people will probably have fewer partners. But he or she may be just as “successful”—or more so—in terms of the percentage of people who are interested in him/her.

Because of their “fearlessness,” bad boys/girls often do have more romantic partners. But when it comes to making a lasting commitment, those same individuals may be ruled ineligible—and not just because he/she isn’t someone you can “take home to your mother.” Deep down, we know such people can never feel like home to us. We can’t rationally commit to sharing a life with someone we don’t trust to be left alone for even a few hours.

Cognitive psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., puts it this way “…if you conceptualize winning as racking up a lot of different sexual partners [then jerks may have the advantage]. If your personal definition of winning is finding a high-quality long-term mate and making the relationship work, then research does show there are advantages to being conscientiousness and agreeable.”

So nice trumps naughty, at least when it comes to lasting relationship potential. But do we have to forfeit everything that is so attractive about bad boys/girls?

Why Wrong Seems So Right

It may be that people are not so much attracted to bad behavior as to the personality traits that often accompany bad boys/girls. These “companion” attributes may include charisma, sociability, confidence, etc. But these attributes aren’t incompatible with basic human decency. For example, there is no compelling reason why you can’t be both nice and confident.

In fact, combining the best traits in bad boys/girls with the best traits in nice guys/girls can be a winsome combination. Someone exciting—but who you can trust to not steal your car and run off with your best friend. Someone who retains a bit of their mystery—but not because they are concealing a prison record a mile long.

Buyer Beware

If you regularly buy into the bad boy/girl mystique, here’s a quick reminder of what you already know. Such individuals are generally more selfish, narcissistic and impulsive. They are more likely to be unfaithful, to engage in unsafe sex or to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. They may be unreliable at work or inconsistent with money. And should you ever want to have a family, these same behaviors may negatively impact your children as well. When you put it all down on paper, bad boys/girls are not nearly as attractive as they initially seem.

Hope for the Nice Guy/Girl

Not everyone chases after bad guys/girls. In fact, some of the most datable people out there are instinctively wary of such types. Others may have to learn that lesson the hard way: through a few broken hearts.

If you seem doomed to chronic niceness, don’t despair. Being nice doesn’t require you to give up your opinions, your self-respect or your personality. In fact, retaining these qualities alongside your niceness may make you wildly irresistible—at least to one lucky man or woman. Continue being the kind of person you would want date and, odds are, you will eventually attract a partner of a similar caliber. Remember that at least when it comes to love stories, the hero wins in the end.

There is another interesting article on this subject Written in 2012 by :

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.wordpress.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. if you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

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We’ve all been there. You know the feelings: the pit in the bottom of your stomach, the heavy weight on your chest and shoulders, the devastation, sadness and anger. When you find out that you’ve been lied to by someone you love, a million emotions come rushing over you. Some are rational, but most are not. The who, what, why and how questions begin, and you’re searching for so many answers. Being in any relationship or friendship with someone who has lied is tough. It’s not that you don’t love or care for them, it’s just that once that trust is gone, it’s difficult to connect wholeheartedly. And without trust, there is no point in having a relationship or friendship.

People usually lie for one of two reasons. The first is out of shame or fear. Some may think that they won’t be accepted for whatever reasons, so rather than telling the truth, they lie. Most of the time, these lies are told to make them appear better at something or to have make them feel like they fit in. These types of liars are more willing to confess down the line and learn from their mistakes. However, until they’re willing to admit their mistakes, it still makes it difficult to connect on a genuine level.

The second kind of liar is very frustrating. They simply lie for selfish gains or entertainment. Even when they have the opportunity or it’s easier to tell the truth, they do not. These liars are very calculative, manipulative and know what they’re doing. They are not concerned with other people’s feelings and will destroy any relationship for the sake of always being “right” in their mind. If you can, remove these liars from your life because they will probably never recognize their faults, nor apologize for their actions.

When people lie, do they know how it makes the other person feel? Do they fully understand the repercussions? Relationships and friendships should make us feel loved and respected, but when we lie or are lied to, it makes us feel the complete opposite. Here are some ways in which lies can affect your relationships and friendships.

I no longer felt like I could trust them.
Trust is what makes relationships go around. Without trust, there’s really nothing left. Even after you’ve made an effort at forgiveness, there’s still going to be this gaping hole in your heart, that could only heal in time. And even then, depending on the lie, sometimes there’s not enough time in the world that will help regain trust. Once trust is gone, it’s hard, if not impossible, to earn it back.

I thought less of them.
It may sound horrible that you thought less of the person who lied to you, but it happens. You’ve caught a glimpse of a really crappy side of them. After being disappointed by someone’s actions, it’s normal to think they’re slightly less than awesome. Not only that, but when you hold someone in high esteem and they lie to you, it makes you wonder why you thought so much of them, if they didn’t value you in the same regard.

When I found out the extent of the lies, I felt like a fool.
Being fooled by a liar makes you feel gullible. It also causes you to question everything that person ever said or did. Were their actions really sincere? You begin to doubt yourself and your own personal gut feelings. If you can be conned so easily with this lie from a trusted person, what else have you been conned about in your life? Feeling like a fool can create inner turmoil and lower your self-esteem, which can be hard to get over.

When they lied, I felt unimportant and disrespected.
When someone lies to you it makes you feel as if they didn’t care enough about you to tell you the truth. This can hurt even more when it’s someone with whom you thought you had a trusting relationship. For example, if your best friend lies that they’re not having marital issues, but confides in a co-worker who they’ve known for only six months, that can make you feel unimportant and question your 12-year friendship. It’s important to find out why they didn’t feel like they could trust you with the truth and openly discuss how the lie made you feel unimportant and disrespected.
If they didn’t confess, I felt like they didn’t care.
When someone has an opportunity to confess that they lied, but they choose not to, it could make you feel like they don’t care enough about you to make things right. It confirms that they are still thinking of themselves. Liars who are consistently selfish will most likely continue their behavior and move onto other unsuspecting victims. If you feel like they don’t care, be prepared for the fact that they most likely don’t.
I felt lonely and sad.
When you create friendships and bonds with individuals, it makes you feel loved, but when someone lies and causes you to distrust them, it can lead you to feel lonely and sad. This is why it’s important to always live by the motto “Honesty is the best policy.”

If you’ve been the liar in a relationship or friendship, there’s hope in making wrong situations right. Confessing the whole truth is one way to start. Half-truths are still considered lies. I know it can be intimidating telling the truth, but for the most part, the people on the receiving end will be more likely to forgive. With that said, be prepared for the consequences. It’s not going to be easy to receive the silent treatment, getting broken up with or even having the other person request space, but it will be worth it in the end.

Even though the relationship may not ever be the same, know that it took courage to be forthcoming with the truth. If the other person cannot forgive you and you’ve done everything possible, then it may be a sign that you’ll have to move on. It may be a difficult choice, but these are some of the consequences that you will be faced with after lying. Hopefully, you’ve learned your lesson and you won’t lie again. The deep connections you’ll make with others by telling the truth, is much more appealing than any lie you can imagine.

Again thanks for reading please visit dolphnotes.com and follow the page. If you just read this through Facebook it does not count the same in sponsor’s eyes. If you have a topic suggestion or want to leave comments please leave them in comment section or email me at dolphnotes@gmail.com

So as you might have read a few post back that my goal is to make dolphnotes a permanent site in addition to I would like to launch an internet radio station and include a dolphnotes audio show. So with that said it is hard to obtain sponsors for that so it will be all on my own dime until I have been establish for 6 months to a year. So below is a bunch of websites I run that the proceeds go to the above mentioned project. Please shop and share the links. Thanks Dolph

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