The Key

I don't actually own a bed. For very complex reasons, or actually no good reason, I come home to a house each night that really isn't mine. In this house I do homework with my children, play with the puppy, carry loads of laundry up and down the stairs and write papers until all hours of the night. In this house I eat bowls of cereal when I get home from class and shower off the remnants of the day. But fairly recently, as I was coming back from walking the dog, I looked through the darkness into the warmly lit windows, glimpsing immaculate furniture and pictures upon the walls and thought, who lives here?

I could imagine the idealization that when I opened the door, there would be someone there to greet me. Instead, the children are already sleeping in their beds and my husband, soon to be ex, is on the computer with his bedroom door closed. He only emerges when he needs another beer and we only speak when he is inquiring about the most recent vet appointment or the whereabouts of particular articles of laundry.

Six years ago he ended all physical and emotional contact with me because he admitted he was "bored" with one woman and that he felt that all men needed variety. "For every super-model out there, there's a guy that's sick of banging her," he said. He leaves every weekend to sleep at his current girlfriend's house.

I had a best friend that claimed to be in love with me and waited, waited and waited. When I was ready to move forward he divulged that he had recently met someone else and that he could no longer wait for a woman that was never really his and a future that wasn't really clear. Hot tears, regret, admission to disillusionment...there was nothing else to do but try to assuage my grief, which unfortunately amounted to driving aimlessly around in my car, smoking cigarettes and listening to The Cure.

There is an old saying that "whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger" and I must remember that the heart is, indeed, a muscle. For every burn, every slice, every break, the wound heals and the muscle gets a little stronger.

I think of my past and I sometimes have to laugh at the fact that it could have been in a "Desperate Housewives" script, only I wasn't getting paid to live it. But I do believe that, in a sense, there is great value in the pain. I could have been bitter and sworn off love forever. I could have settled for less but instead, I just keep living and doing what I can to move forward, one arduous step at a time.

The key to happiness and love is not in this house, an empty shell, or another particular person, a stranger. It hides in the laughter I have with my children when we notice that the next door neighbor has a "plummer ***." It emerges when I have a really great conversation with a friend. It peeks out when I look in the mirror, slowly exhale and say, "Ok, I can do this."

Someday I have no doubt that I will love and be loved again, and maybe even have my own bed, but until then...I just keep swimming...

You are a very brave woman, and you are right about the heart, every time our heart is broken, it let's a little more light in, May you find the light that you areLooking for as you carry on with life.

Wow, you are so strong, you can do this! Just keep your head above water, and keep being that great dedicated mother. :) You should consider writing a book, I would read it. You are very talented with words :)

OMFG. You and I should be friends. My avatar is my couch. My wife didn't abandon me for someone else though. She's a **** addict. But WOW. That looks like one of MY stories. I'm SO sorry to find someone who feels as abandoned as I do. My heart goes out to you.

I lived in a similar situation for most of the 22 years of my marriage. Then one day, I came home from my 3rd hospitalization in a rolling calendar year to no electricity and a defaulted mortgage though I had fought in between the hospital stays to modify our mortgage successfully and to keep bills paid up to date. I decided if I wasn't going to die - I was sure going to start living. When I had recovered enough from medication toxicity to think I told my husband I was done. That was over two years ago and I haven't regretted doing it.

I wish you some peace Lottalatte. Mine started when I took my life opportunities back.

...leave the past behindAnd try to keep in mindJoy isn't handed outOn a silver platter.There are days She willNever show her face,And you must eitherGrow in grace,Or kid yourselfThat it doesn't matter.

I am touched by your story. You describe pain so well. The second to the last paragragh when you define what is truely happiness. Yet, even though you have those... it's like having a ghost in your own heart. The ghost of an incomplete dream. For me, it's a woman. For you, the dream of having a guy... complete with your kids... and in the mirror next to you... watching his eyes gaze apon you, helping you define a completeness you miss within yourself, he helps you define yoursefl and confirm toal happiness. Do not give up. For every hopless guy is a guy of pure hope for you. The guy you are looking for is out there. The guy who appreciates you, not only for your attractiveness, but because he can see right into you and know the truth. That beauty is not radiated on the outside. It comes from within. Every gesture, pose, expression, eye movement... even when your hair hides your eyes... the eyes he seeks through that hair has meaning to him... and he is well awear that the outside of you is just as hollow as the empty shell of a house you dwell in... that you personify every beautiful thing you are. But, he is even more than that... because when he finds you, he is not just having a relationship with you... But your family as well. For when he falls in love with you, he falls in love with your family... your children become his own... and those nurturing feelings that guys are supposed to have shine brightly and truely... for sons and daughters. Finding you is not finding just a woman... it's finding a family. He inherits this. He accepts it readily and excepts that family bond unconditionally. Throws it in his heart and uses those nurturing feelings... because he knows that children deserve a future filled with their own dreams and all the love they will ever wish for... and he is the vital part of the masculane part of it. The example of a man who excepts that role with full responsibility and commitment... out of nothing but love. There is no woman on earth who does not deserve this. Love is based on campassion, forgiveness and complete unselfishness. It might me hard to believe that guys like that exist. BUT, I can not write this without believing in it. Everything I wrote I had to find within myself. Nothing I found there is unworthy of recognition. So, writing it comes form the heart. If I have it? Then, someone in the multitudes of guys must feel something similar. I can not be the only one. I am just one person out of a whole world of men. That is something to know, hold onto and believe in. And, you post is admirable because you took what seemed hollow and found meaning and fullness in it. It means you are definitely worthy of a man like what I described... because your post shows many of those same qualities within a woman. To me that means you have great value. And, quite worthy of a guy like that.

very touching.. youre a very deep and passionate soul.. it was a great read..im sorry, but not all guys need variety.. im sure you will find your own bed.. and maybe someone that is happy to share it with you..

Dear Lottalatte, I know that Mothers have the hardest jobs in the world and you still have so much to bear, not even a bed to lay in when you are tired. Thank You for being a Good Mother and showing your Children the Love they need. I know that someday you will find someone that will Love & Chieish You. Your Friend Always, Mike

<p>I would question why you would still have this man in your home as it is apparent that he has brought nothing but pain into your heart... I would question you living in a house with a man that has brought pain into your heart. It is time for you to start anew. Find you another place and another life. Sometimes a change is a good thing. You say that each night you walk into a house that is no longer yours.... find one that is.

Deep. It is not an easy thing to tread water with no clear hope of reprieve. Being so utterly devoted to your kids is beyond admirable, and placing your needs after theirs pure divinity. I wish ye all the best... Keep strong and keep being you. You will find all the love ye so rightly deserve. Much respect!

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