Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—It’s a month to really embrace family, even the scary dirty hill people on your mother’s side. Even though most of them work in tire shops, you can still show your love with a few extremely cheap shiny gifts. They’ll think the world of you. Lucky numbers tonight are 8, 17, 94 and 5.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—A chance meeting with an exotic foreign man could lead to romance. That is, until you go to meet him at his apartment building and you find his name written idiotically on a mailbox in the debris-filled lobby. There will be a machine in one corner that dispenses small cartons of milk but someone has tipped it over. You will try the elevator—the “up” button will ding but nothing further happens. Know when to cut your losses.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—A great week to work on improving your physical appearance. Dress up a bit—wear a pin on your lapel that depicts a bear playing with balloons. Pick up some of those sheer toe panty hose packaged in the funny white egg containers. Buy a bunch of them so that they jiggle around in the bag as you walk through the mall. There’s something comforting about that sound.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Getting very little on Tautus the week. Not sure what the problem is—I jiggled the crystal ball up and down a BUNCH of times but nothing happened. Probably need to have someone come out, have a look at it. Maybe some problem with enabling cookies or something.

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—You’ve got your finger on the pulse this week which not only helps you come up with modern, cutting-edge solutions but also allows you to bring joy to the infirm. Tell them all about how you’re on the cutting edge—they’ll appreciate it, since, being infirm, they probably haven’t been on the cutting edge for a long time, if ever. Know what I’m saying?

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—Put things in perspective by spending a lot of time looking at space. Get a telescope and marvel at the comets or the giant asteroids pounding together like a couple of giant space boobs creating cosmic chaos. All your cares will melt away.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—Could be a good time to consider a change of scenery. After all, that pumpkin fire that’s been raging behind your house shows no signs of abating. The realtor said, “Oh, that. That’s going to go out any day now. It’s just a bunch of pumpkins” but clearly, after four years it’s just getting stronger. You wouldn’t think pumpkins could burn like that but there you go. The choice is yours.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Your enthusiasm for all things luscious is contagious! You’ll want to experience it all but remember, be budget-conscious. Luscious things are really expensive and they never appear on the second-hand market. No need to work up a sweat tonight—it’s not worth the time.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Mania begins to creep in this week. Cut it off at your “mind pass.” Push it to one side like you’d shove an erupted beanbag chair into a trashcan. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking at a beautiful beach scene at dusk. You’ll hear the sound of the surf and those birds they have. Your lucky numbers are 10 and maybe 45.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—Sure, you’re practical, determined and steadfast. But there’s another side of you too—that kind of weird side that reads lewd pamphlets in bus stations while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container. Embrace both. Tonight, make sure your love is more than words. Right? Get it?

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—You will like your date this week instantly—unfortunately, he will become nervous, agitated even, and to make up for his discomfort, he will construct a small model farm out of scrap wood on your restaurant table. He will build a barn, a house, some chicken coops and a covered bridge. Long after you have left (he is completely unresponsive) and the night passes into morning, he will paint each structure and then, using some old electrical insulation made of paraffin, create some ersatz stones to place along a running creek powered by a train engine, that he builds of open PVC tubing. Still, you should give him another try. There could be a future in all this.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—Birth, in one form or another, is the theme. Could be the birth of a child or could be the beginnings of that cat-related crafts business you’ve always dreamed of starting. Stuffed cats can be made to resemble all sorts of famous pop stars. It’s a slam dunk, really.