Script

Very Mary-Kate: Evil Dragon

By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

INT. BEDROOM - DAY
Bodyguard knocks on the closet door.
BODYGUARD
Mary-Kate?
MARY-KATE (O.S.)
Go away!
BODYGUARD
What's the matter?
Cut to Mary-Kate, inside the closet, huddled on the floor.
MARY-KATE
What's the matter!? I'm a bad
chef!
BODYGUARD
A bad chef?
MARY-KATE
I'll give you the perfect for
insties. How much cocaine powder
do you put in a hot coco zozoloft?
BODYGUARD
Cocaine powder? Do you mean coco
powder?
MARY-KATE
YOU SEE? I'M A BAD CHEF.
(beat, meekly)
Don't tell Zagat.
BODYGUARD
I won't tell Zagat.
MARY-KATE
Promise you won't tell Zagat!
BODYGUARD
You're not a restaurant. It
doesn't matter if I tell Zagat.
MARY-KATE
I knew it. You're going to tell
Zagat. I'm going to get a bad
Zagat rating. I can hear it now:
Mary-Kate's "restaurant" is not so
much a "restaurant" as it is her
"shivering," "scared," and "in a
closet."
BODYGUARD
Come out of there.
MARY-KATE
(suddenly suspicious)
Why?
BODYGUARD
So I can help you.
MARY-KATE
That sounds like something an evil
dragon would say.
BODYGUARD
Not this again.
MARY-KATE
Legend has it that Evil Dragon will
take the form of those closest to
you.
BODYGUARD
What legend?!
MARY-KATE
Legend has it that he will deny the
legend.
BODYGUARD
There's no legend!
MARY-KATE
It is fulfilled!
BODYGUARD
(frustrated, but playing
along)
Oh, THAT legend. Sure.
MARY-KATE
(thinks)
Very clever, Evil Dragon. But you
have to get up pretty early in the
morning to catch me coming home
from a night of clubbing.
BODYGUARD
Ask me something that only I would
know.
MARY-KATE
Only you?
BODYGUARD
Only me.
MARY-KATE
Hmm.
(beat)
Are there other evil dragons?
BODYGUARD
Not me as Evil Dragon, me as
Bodyguard.
MARY-KATE
Are there girl evil dragons? Do
they get slutty human tattoos?
BODYGUARD
Here's something: you're
right-handed, but Ashley is
left-handed.
MARY-KATE
Everybody knows that.
BODYGUARD
You hate showers because it feels
like the water is shoving you.
MARY-KATE
That's true...
BODYGUARD
You love the smell of a newly
opened Sephora. You call
unstretched limos "midgetmobiles."
You're secretly in love with Elijah
Wood.
The closet door slowly opens.
MARY-KATE
I can't believe he won't return my
prank calls.
She hugs him.
MARY-KATE
Oh, Bodyguard. It feels so good to
be known.
BODYGUARD
Well, I've known you forever.
MARY-KATE
Not forever. Just since I hired
you.
BODYGUARD
Well, legend has it, evil dragons
are with you from birth.
She takes a step back.
MARY-KATE
Gulp.
Bodyguard grows wings.
MARY-KATE
Dot com.
Bodyguard breaths fire.
MARY-KATE
Slash AHHHH!
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Bodyguard looks up from his crossword puzzle.
BODYGUARD
I should probably check on that.
END.