After a bit of soul vitamines (some of my real sharp stuff was written
with a good dose of (in my mind) 'heavy' music, in the sense of impact or drive,
such as the little collection of mpeg2's I have of Jimi (Hendrix), and even
some good midi-ed songs and 'wingroove' can do the trick), luckily no longer
on a fairly lousy headset, but with more than sufficient power from my definately satisfying self-built PA, I feel first like getting some things seriously of
my chest.

Later on I'll throw in some 'quality midis' or replace the quicktime general midi
player (which incidently squeezes out some very decent string pads, downright
agressive bass lines, and decent but not too juicy (like Yamaha's) drums)
with this Mac's CD player at 'singe rate' to poor out some music for the not
harmonically challenged or rythmically retarded: in other words some selected
hits of all my lifes decades, with some regained emphasis on the musical/personal
paradox, and visual anti-thesis represented by Abba (or the other way around?).

I've started this diary mainly as a result of finding Meredith's (link) pages
whilst browsing through the (in my world nearly omnipresent) internet.
She's an artist living in a place I would like to be: California (SF area),
and has shared her room through a semi-live web cam and condensed her thoughts
in frequent diary-like pages, and has a growing collection of non-dramatic
yet seriously expressive (mainly b/w) pictures.

The soul vitamine comparison stems from the place that currently
holds one of the two G3's (reminds me of an interview I heared and remembered
for 20 years of so where some Abba member described the synthesizer they
used on an album (I could have been on 'eagle', don't remember, or maybe where
the 'first digitally mastered album' was described), which was the highly intruiging
GS-1, a yamaha apres-proto synth I thing featuring FM synthesis with a serious
number of operators, but probably in a mostly parallel algortithm, please forget
the techno talk when you only care about the music, and when you don't even
care about that...) I'm working with, where I am regularly presented with
pure, 'uncut', no: unmixed, totally fresh fruit juices (with nice smelling herbs),
that I bet would beat a 'red bull' or equivalent drink for its effective vitamin boost.

Currently, no-one is around to provide vitamine drinks, it's nice and quite except
for my pa, presently as acronym for personal address, and I thought it would be a
good thing to do: write a personal diary for public consumption, as the expression
in Toni Morrisson's 'Jazz' was, though consumption has a negative ring to it.
As 'stairway to heaven' (first time I'm hearing it as midi file, no judgement yet),
got my mood a bit more hazy after 'foxy lady' almost in the real (mpeg-2),
I decided I'd not spill my guts the way I did on some of my other pages (links),
but give a personal account of my inner world, in absence of the implementation
of the (to me clear) conclusion as to the most reasonable meaning of live
in 'Jazz'.

In short: there are some people I'd like to be with, have thought a lot about (and
hopefully with), and I've for some time started to understand what appearently
presque anybody around me knew

Stairway midi sucks: no depression with 'get the f* out of there' feeling, not cheezy,
just sucks, not going to be a favorite, lets try 'Jump'. Oops, doesn't work. I will
be having a quarrel with anything that defends the Mac file-association mechanism
soon, if I can find out how. I want it in a player that at least plays in the
background while I'm typing, it complains about not knowing netscape: arrggg.
Same as yesterdays mpeg-3 experiment: I found an encoder, finally squeezed
a piano recording of mine through some dsp, and through the enoder to get it
from 20 megs or so to something presentable on the web (what a name. I prefer:
tripple double u, as in: NOT the IEEE, or something), upload a (poor AM-style version
which is more reminding of the 78rpm records, including the airco's compressed
hiss and periodic 'tick' as mpeg doesn't do it's dc-housekeeping well on pedal
lf bursts (sorry, just don't like it that much, gets on my EE nerves, but it sure
gives a hell of a lot of compression)) file way under a meg, and it turns out
that when I ftp or download my own file, seemingly without error, the Mac
it its very finite wisdom decides that in spite of the extension it just should refuse
to play it! Major bummer.

'Rosanna' works, but too little sustain, synth sound not up to standard, but: it's music.
How did that 'wingroove' guy work at my relative poor headphones on a 100MHz
pentium to give a lot of midi's a lot of punch from one megabyte of samples ?!
I've a hundred and sixty megs here, isn't there a better way to fill them as
gm synth? Ah, the solo is quite nice, good sequencing never fails. Anybody got
some scofield midi's out there ? Rocking pneumonia or something would be nice
for a change, 'science and religion' would be hard to improve, too. I did find
a chord analizer for audio files! It freaked on a stones song (with nice slides
in it), but after I let it tune itself (almost half a semi-tone), it seemded to work.
It did recognize minor nines, it think, but I'm not sure about the augmented ones
nice challenge, these hundreds of megaherzes ciscs and riscs could at least
be but to some serious number crunching.

Rosanna didn't produce goose pumps, let's do apache again, it's worth a grin: who
said synths can't do guitar bends. I could still, because it isn't perfect, but
some are close, and fun. Grr, a real nasty one just passed by. Nice drums and
strummed guitar and bass, though.

Before I digress to far in technical ramblings, let get down to the hardcore
diary stuff. Down?
Down. Depressed? No. Lonely ? Not realy in the normal sense of the word,
recently prefering solitude over possible art and office crowd with some nice people , and the infamous Amsterdam going out circuit, with probably some real nice and friendly people as well, although i generally feel in the nuthouse when i mind how they 'pray' if thats the right expression, so no, not devoid of human contact.
But taking the diary concept straightforward, as I wholeheartedly prefer, it
requires expression of my basic ziele-roerselen, and apt dutch expression
for main motions in the soul.

Tuned into, or better hooked up to the net and surfed to WBGO
(ever tried to say that in german or french?) which often stars pleasant an
even hip jazz, some interview going on. Hu ? It seems to be about abolishion.
Slavery, that is.
My though is that there are some even more profound things to be abolished:
family and institutionalized abuse and torture, for instance. Why doesn't anyone
even raise that topic in public, hardly even in lip-reading, and when it is in
'higher cirlces', why does it have to be in the 'land of the free' ?

How can I read a book about a girl being pregnant from the age of nine onward,
sexually and emotionally abused to the point where I don't even understand
how she can even live, literally sold as a whore by her own parents tens of
times a day to undergo tortures that make some of the nazi tortures I
formerly read about pale in comparison, scream without the neighbours hearing,
with dozens of people making use of her very unvolantairy services excercizing
their abuse without even being marked as seen by the neighbourhood,
informing her school principal and being laughed at, finally goin to the
police and being wraped there as well, ending up writing a book
and not want to kill bastards that cause girls (possibly boys) liek her
to suffer that way.
Turn the other cheek, respect the gouvernment, play the family mystery game,
be affraid of mafioso leaders that appearently are not even man enough to
find girl their own age and in the free ? Stand in awe of the power of the
wannabee god of thisworld that makes his little slaves inflict so much
suffering, and have so much air power?
FUCK THEM.
I want them dead. Period. Conversion?

Thats a long break. Somebody that performed or visited those type of things
can convert, no doubt that happens, also for real.

Recently I'm confronted with people of which I supspect that may be at hand,
they don't actually say it, but that's what I pick up. If that causes suffering,
bondage, and hurt of such a grave sort be not to be added to: good.
Does that in anyway make up for inflicted wounds, physical and emtional?
No.
In my mind it means that if somebody is serious about their conversion, even
somebody serious about any reasonably acceptable form of human (even animal)
life will go at very great length to cause these types of abuse and life-long
torture to end. And I mean business and I mean for real.

When I used to read revelation (I have been a very serious christian for years,
with no knowledge whatsoever about the things I in one only way luckily
read about a few years ago) I wondered what 'defiling one-self with women'
meant, and why those nicolaitians where such bastards, and what sacrifycing
to deamons and to the moloch meant in the general picture (apart from some
remote 'satanist' or equiv onscure and in my mind marginal circles, that I
didn't consider a seriously popular phenomenon, and of which I knew full
victory was present in the Christ I found). I thought having sexual thoughts in
general (probably without a lasting relation geared at marriage, I wasn't
uptight about the ring thing, it was more a aimed-at-exclusively-one-lasting-for-life-intended-for-real-and-serious-love
type of moral) wad, c.q. sinful, not by its nature, but because of the relation,
and not as missing the purpose, which I have gathered seems to be a common
thought, but sleeping, fucking (intended and functional language, though not
in the mechanistic sense of the word), and being realy near. No bullshit of the
type 'its better not to be to close or together naturally or otherwise my real face will show and we will see right through' kind. In my personal thoughts, I had nothing to
hide, I strived for that, except sensitivities that I knew would be hurt if I'd access
them in the wrong way. God knows anyway, and if you couldn't even be honest with
a heavenly father, what's the point of having one and accepting that his son
bore my sin, and geve me his spirit to be geared at the perfect?
When I a number of years concluded that the 'christian' group I had been in
had been the problem, and not my personal faith, that was the part I could easily
get back to, I never lied to myself, so I could get back to that and Him
without that difficulty, just with a lot more information about the incredible
misery that probably has gone on. And with the added thought that the sex only
in marriage thing was probably a great delusion, and that both the greek of
my new testament and the hebrew of my old could bring to the light a lot of lies
that stem from translation.

And that the whole picture of life as I didn't know it intimately (and I'm so glad I didn't) or even from hear-say, combined with what the gospel and gods 'law'
realy where about where as bad, mean, incredibly unworhty of even the respect
of attention, respectively powerfull to change, radically different, and to the point
as never expected, even though luckily I was well edified to know that in general
'the world' and its wannabee god are just and only evil, except for what the
real god gives. Not that I wanted to get out of it, I liked my studies, hobbies,
some people, that wasn't the issue.

Than to discover that the resistance I felt in the spiritual, and that I never took
for anything noteworthy, was probably very much aimed at me, and directly related
to the abovementioned kind of incredible misery.

Jesus slaying children with death, what was that ?!? 'Teaching my children
to whore', 'seduce one of these little ones to sin', what was he talking about?
The jews want a sign, the greek wisdom, I thought I understood. Just as I never
understood why I felt so lousy on some personal level as I did, even though with
all my heart and honestly I followed him. I didn't realize that scripure, Jesus,
and God took the personal for as important I knew it was, very much including
relationships and the opposite sex, and that I wasn't just feeling lousy in some
respects for a fuzzy, indeterminate reason, wihtout him caring that much, but
that the people I trusted and though were equally aimed at respecting and
following their saviour on purpose and for very bad considerations never got
to point of getting me to open up on that personal level. Though I didn't want to deal
with all that, including the spiritual for years, I now realize that even in prophesies
that I myself uttered (yes the guy 'prohesied', nothing much to it, doesn't mean I'm
a prophet, thats a ministy, not a gift that most persons that asked to holy spirit
to fill their heart (because he is a 'nice' and non-wraping spirit) after they found
christ can learn to excercize, preferably in public, no foaming mounts, no falling
on the ground, no scenes, simply opening one's mouth in full possession of one senses
and having the words in their mind from the holy spirit.), the woman that I respected
for leading the group I was in was pretty much broken to pieces, while I thought it
was about somebody that just happened to visit the group andthat I didn't know personally. These prophesies were *bad* ! 'My daughter if you continue to disobey me,
and go the wrong way, it will soon be too late to get back in line with me, I take
away this and that, I will show that it is my will not yours that counts, etc',
the kind of things you would expect He'd tell a real bad person, he was still serious
about but not for long anymore. And I didn't have a clue who the hell I was talking
about ! One of the ray images i saw in the spiritual (I felt a lot but rarely saw
'images') showed a sort of creature one can find in chinese restaurants lurking
away in the corner of the meeting place (her house). Ugly, but didn't at all appear
scary to me, just nothing any sane person would associate with the holy spirit,
if such a spirit exists at all, of course. Which i didn't deny, but completely not
take into account for over half a decade.

Forsaking all others, till death to us part?!
What is that? Why is liking girls, especially physically, equated with whoring?
That is: I thought that whoring was simply sex outside a legitimate relationsip, not minding the onvious element of selling whoring at least also refers to, and the unrealness of it.
Why was it 'so hard to feel fine' (song quote), especially about that,
and did I never feel enough lasting honesty to considered a girfriend relation
realy going somewhere in the near future before I thought along the lines
outlined above? In retrospect there must be profoud general and personal
reasons, but I knew that before I found christ something essential was simply
missing, I prayed to a god I knew I couldn't realy present with myself, luckily
at least knew that his son took the guilt of sin away but to say that that meant
something personal? And I was very awary of the fact that i would die
at some point, not in a obscure way, i simply was aware of it as a
kid that one day I would die, and than what ? meet God ? Just having my plug pulled,
hardware discontinued, software erased ? I upted for the possibility that there
would be some kind of judgement and that it would in general be smart to opt for
what god wanted. Don't steal don't lie, that sort of thing, not very personal guidelines,
and I did wonder how God actually would communicate, and certainly didn't consider
myself very prominent on his wishlist of desirable people, I might pass, that was
sort of the idea, I wasn't that sinfull, but the almighty God, 'gloomy dungeons',
'a mountain of smoke of which those who saw it begged he wouldn't draw nearer'
(very, very loose quote, I didn't care to look it up) and little me?! Nope, not a comforting thought, and probably very much to the point, considering I though it would be logical he somehow managed to span the universe. No chonce to trick or win of such a god. Not a chance. Sensible fear of the lord i guess, but not an answer to all my questions and the knowledge that somehow things should be a lot better, also within me, even when i built my own (working!) computer cores when i was twelve.
Lots of humans i could beat, built some real interesting stuff: but i'd still die, and then what?

The army stuff
Ever seen the movies on Hiroshima or Nagasagi, where they dropped the first and
thank heavens thus far only nuclear bombs? Ever stop to think about what the threat
of thousands of those non-honeys with significantly higher fire power and flying
faster than a v2 would ever have (within 20 min across the globe) represent?
The damages of a small nuclear accident some 3 thousand kilometers or
so away (Tsjernobil) included me having to eat canned or very foreign
vegatables (ironically I was earning my first synth in a green-grocer job over the
holyday). It wasn't even a bomb! Not even a real meltdown! And not
too grave weather conditions for the radio active dust to spread either.

I remembers doing lots of library reading at 11 or 12 or so, I somehow
found out that a full nuclear attack and its immedeate response would be
capable of completely destroying the surface of the earth about 40 times.
FOURTY times. So the 'people' that govern me need to take into serious account
the power of one idiotic button press with such desastrous results.
And than appearently some 'people' that need to wrape little people to get them
in their power would want to impress me with their power games with THAT
kind of threat going on?
Or am I supposed to believe that 50 years, 100's of millions of cars that
require about the same amount of metal to built, the invention of the transistor,
a man on the moon, and dozens of nuclair reactors later it wouldn't be realistic
that tens of thousands of weapons that each are hundreds of times more deadly
than either of the two japan bombs were (they were about 2 meters big, the
weight of a small car, and only a few kilos of nuclear material, as I recall!)
wouldn't exist?

Am I not to take serious that a country that is not exactly obscure in the
technology area seriously considered conjuring up its industrial laser
knowledge to blast the damn bombs out of the sky by simply melting them to
pieces?

Did you ever stop to think what 10 MEGA watts of laser power would do to your
skin? Burn right through all of it, leaving a 10 meter diameter burn spot
around where you were a few second ago, I recon. 6 Megawatt lasers
were already prototyped (at least) years ago, i read about them.
Thats the power of a few thousand serious water boilers aimed at a few
square meteres.

Wouldn't microwaving people in combat or as part of the cold war to use
that out of fashion expression be feasible with that kind of technology
lying around in actually operative form in not even classified braches
of industry be conceivable? Or a lot more effective type of radiation,
combined with taget tracking, to do God knows what. Seeing ghosts?
Realy? Did you everstop to think about how much is known about the
gene-system? Serious portions of all the I don't know how many zillion
possible building blocks are identified at horrific rates. Realy complex stuff,
and evidently relevant to solve defects or possibly, unfortunately, to
do damage.
But hardly anything is publicly known about growth processes (mytosis),
especially when it concerns the ways in which cells spread over an organ or
body 'know' which cell they are and how to grow (divide) itself.
Every cell in a hand has the same genetic structure, yet the hand doesn't
grow equally in each directionas a kind of a lump, it has very distinct,
repeateable form. How come?
That concept has been known for decenia, yet serious medical science seems
to be quite at a loss as to which concepts gouvern even this simple everyday
growth process. I've done serious literature research on the subject in
a respectable university, and I know how a library index works, and have
sufficient PhD level background (albeit not in the medical area) to at
least find something and have some global idea of what researcher are doing.
All I found was the (relatively obvious) suggestion that membranes
can pass partices and information, and that certain chemicals may well
gouvern that communication. As any sane person would do you, you start
with only one pair of cells to see what happens, and continue from there
if you have a lead. Well, they did, post grad student were working on it
and after 4 years presented their research results as a thesis,
that could be consided to reflect serious contampory research in the
field. And wattyaknow: zip! They didn't find any satisfactory mechanisms
for inter-cell communication (apart from the obvious non-spacially
diversed spreading of chemicals), not even in the literature references!

Now I find it very hard tro believe that some heavily army sponsored scientist
some decades ago didn't sit down and think of some serious range of
experiments involving every producible kind of radiation, in every
conceivable modulated and focussed form and various forms of life
tissue. I know I would. And wit a budget with figures that baffle just
about every tax payer SOMETHING is bound to emerge. That you can kill
certain cancer cells with certain types of gamma radiation, and even more
so when you (like with a EM lenze) focus the radiation to hit at the
centre of focus , preferably right where the cancer is. That knowledge
has been around for some time. It was known in the F*& THIRTIES !!
Big letters because it pisses me off. I think that is the right expression.
I saw actual footage of a guy even visualizing that very fact. In the 30's.
Are you seriously going to want me to believe that all of the armies secret
weapons have been abolished in favor of the almighty nuclear missile,
and that nothing else is around? And that we will simply bilaterally talk
them away, with a half value decay time that leaves sufficiently many
of them when I die to still destroy every possible life form on this planet
once and for all except maybe some very deep sea fish that will have mutant
decendants, *whenever* I die in the seemingly strict limits of about a
hundred and twenty years. If the environment sufficiently survives the
conventional attacts on its ecosphere, that is.

Patriots?
Then there is this patriot thing that bothers me.
Did you see that on 'live' cnn, that for obscure reasons has been kicked of the Amsterdam cable (but of course not of the satelite, AND the internet, eh eh)?
Missiles attacking the very cities of Israel, and one, bleeding ONE defense
missile is fired to intercept them. ONE! or maybe a few, i dont remember.
A city with a million people or so seriously threatened with mosterdgas, other (bio-)chemicals, nuclear heads, whatever, and the almighty west answer by shooting the damn rockets out of the sky with ONE missile?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!!
What is that, couldn't they cranck up the speed of the assemly line enough, where jewish new yorks BUDGETS limited or something?! For christ's sake, could be the expression.
With so many lifes at stake wouldn't you at least fire a dozen or so to be REAL sure you intercept the blasted missiles. OK,ok : they cost about a million (or ten, i forgot) GGGRRMMPPPHHH

Seriously.

Why?

Its obvious that it is top technology to intercept a nice little rocket doing a very nice speed of what mach 1? 10? Donno. But I know they fly fast. Shooting a tennisball out of the court after a fast serve is a whole lot easier.
Patriot goes up, lock on target in the air, has mayby ten seconds to track the missile, at that point hundreds of kilometers away, accelerate like hell, and be VERY sure to hit it. VERY sure.

And I guess that that could be a reason for that little show. So sure that a middle finger can be raised in the appropriate fashion to the relative morans that were not deemed worthy of more than one measily defence rocket when attacting a city.

Or is there more to it? May well be but it IS remarkable.

I might be orating, but I'm not realy digressing from the point I'm making.

My balloon project, and why I first thought of them
When i had pretty close to nothing, and that is real close, i started to take more and more serious the thought that the people that basically run the show in my environment where actively or passively into the kind of abuse and maffia I could hardly belief to exist at all until I read a detailed and formally approved acount of it in the library (and started to read more in the bibles ground text to counter that horrifying account, and make very clear to me that it they were exactly those things that were so powerfully changed into the opposite by the gospel, for real, and lasting) I also started to consider the fact that when the nazi's were kicked out by defensive violence, there may be need for real action to solve these kind of things, too. On a state level, that is, on a christian level, I'd say it depends, than its a matter of people wanting out, and finding fellow people with trust (believ-ers)to make that possible, and having a god that can make them personally free.

Thinking practically I arrived at the thought that if a significant number of 'people' (hardly the expression in my mind) were in with the horrible opression and abuse I seem to be faced with, and significantly many are affraid or deluded enough not to even want to inform me about the real whereabouts or to not even want to be of any real use information wise, let alone practically, I'd be on my own against a breed that must have certain characteristics. Two of them came to mind: they are cowardice bastards, and thei are spread over areas that I couldn't couver alone, and would probably play hostage games if I tried to get a few of their victims free, even if I'd use sufficient violence.

Society wise, I don't take non-people like that serious as competition or enemies, when you need to abuse little children and all kinds of rituals to get you power, you don't scare me. Become a man first, than we'll see. And when you'r affraid enough to play the games of this kind aliong so much that you don't even want to give me vital information, you automically qualify as a weeny.

Contimuing the high-jacking comparison, it has always struck me that at the point the high-jackers can be killed (because that would be just retribution), there is a relatively simple option to put an end to the whole show: simultaneously kill every single one of them, in one shot, that is very effectively, and with very high hit rate.
That the tricky part, put if some parties (preferably the victims themselves) would provide sufficient clearness as to who certainly, without any doubt deserve that method, and who induce the most fear, so that if those few dozen or hundred or so no longer exist, the fear of the whole bunch of them would be reduced to levels low enough to reduce the environment to an even remotely human setting, I started thinking abou te following to be able to be a sufficiently effective threat, or possibly even actualizing the above. That could imply prison for murder (which would indeed be of the cold-blooded kind), and migh have unpleasant side-effects, civil war type of situations as just as undisirable as actual wars, but when options run out, something has got to be done.

Becoming a terrorist type of person but this time for a real cause is an option, and that got me into thinking about some of that sticky stuff that is able to turn bad abusers houses into nice little craters without requiring much weight or volume to do the job. Nice? Nope. Effective? Might be.

Not good enough though, it leaves two more basic problems: how to get the stuf in place, and how to make sure the bastards have no time to do blackmail people and do more harm to their victems, or to hide or kill them. The answer to that is strikingly simple: pick the worst leaders, and hit them simultaneously. Al at exactly the same time. That might work.

How to set this up, would be the next practical question. A car, a dark suit, and a little suitcase could do the job, but when a little bird tells the targets about that, it might fail. It could be not too easy to organize. And than what? A timing device to plan the thing? Innocent people might be the victem it all this would go of at a fixed time, which in itself is technically not too hard to manufacture, a detonator, a little (preferably radio controlled) accurate clock, a booster at the alarm output, et voila, that could work. Placing the things would be difficult though, and the zero time would be unchangeably fixed. The latter could be fixed by remote control, i recently bought a radio control with a reach of about 300 meters for only $60. Two little servo's, nice small units, battery pack farily low receiver current: doable. Adding a time to periodically switch the thing on for a short time window to keep batteries going for seriously long times wouldn't take racket scientists' electronics, and an alternative to the rc set could be a portable phone with some signal rcognition (passcode) hardware on it to make it fail save.

Now how can one (or a few) persons get all this stuf in place, preferably without being spotted or traceable, and preferably in non-conspicuous places (roofs and chimneys seem good targets, and preferably with possibilities of surveiling the environment, maybe even by tracking activity (persons entering and leaving, to eliminate (in the good sense of the word) innocent or not soo evil people or victims).

I came with a basic thought that can carry out the necassary tasks, and meet al l the design criteria. To have all the options would not be very cheap per piece for a personal budget, but I do consider it feasible on non-astronomic budgets.

Before I continue, a short 'disclaimer': I did and do not plan on becomming a terrorist. Full stop. But seriously speaking, I hardly ever used my brain power in vain: when I sink my teeth in something, one way or another I usually get it done. And tat means when I want to seriously change a bad situation I'll seriously consider all my options. And that means all. And if (not when) I at some point would consider it a necesary act of war (that's what it would be) to implement some of this stuff, than I would implement it. It makes for a effective threat, too. I'm serious. Blackmailing people by threatening to wrape and torture their children is very un-nice. So if at some point the only way seems to be very un-nice in return, I consider that a valid option. And than I'm serious. And than I play to win, not to game. I haven't started a single homebrew or professional project yet with the aim of making it work that failed. Seriously. The reason is simple: with technical projects it is very reasanoble to first assess the parts, the desired product, its desired behaviour, and how much testing is necessary to achieve some level of success. The things I here deal with are very technical, and have fairly predictable technical behaviour, and don't require much real research to put together. It is EXISTING TECHNOLOGY. You'd better think about that while assessing this option. It is for real.

The heart of this option is a helium filled (safe) remote controlled balloon, or a zeppelin, more likely. In fact they already exist. I've figured out that latex ballons with helium can be purchased via the web or otherwise for few dollars a piece in sizes of about a meter, and that they cann carry 0.7 KG net weight for a diameter of 1.5 meter, corresponding with an volume of almost 1 cubic meter (0.98). Bigger ones carry more weight, andare available.

I have an RC set with two servos, continuous mechanical actuators, delevering a torque of 3.2 DNcm (32Ncm), in other words the little levers of about 2 cm width can push or pull about a kilo and a half, and they weigh 37 grams each.
The receiver weighs 17 grams, and four batteries of about 1Ah weigh about 100 grams in total. The receiver and idle servos require about 20 + 2x10 = 40 mAmps
in total, allowing for over 20 hours idle battery life, shortened to about 2 hours for continuous medium traction of the two servos.
That means a balloon of 1m3 can carry half a kilo more for drive engines, a height and position control unit, camera/sound units and additional load to stay affloat.

The major new engineering tasks are the height control, which preferably would be self-regulating (auto feedback), and the energy efficiency.

Drive fans with quiet, long life, high efficiency regulated electro motors exist for weights in the order of less than a few kilograms including batteries with thrus peak power of almost 2 KILOwatt, such an engine can provide vertical climbes at about 1G (!) for minutes on one batery pack), and about 150 grams is sufficient for a fairly efficient engine of around a hundred watts. This is existing technology. Check out the online catalog www.conrad.de for instance if you don't believe me. The smaller engines, batteries and fans together cost no more than $150. A continuously adjustable near 100% efficiency fet regulator and additional receiver channel cost about the same amount (depending on quality and reach).

For applications where sound isn't an issue, and speed is: model jet-engines are commercially available for about $4.5k that deliver thrusts up to 100n, a weight of about 2 kG (or 0.7 for lower thrusts), and a fuel consumption of about 200grams per minute.

And of course there are rocket engines of a variety of dimensions and characteristics, as an example an engine that delivers a thrust of 10000 N (a ton!) for about 9 seconds seems to have been in use for years to shoot weather rockets of about 40KG gross weight skyhigh (Check altavista, I forgot the details)!

My fears
I do have em. Not so much of war and it's related horror, although I seriously
consider the possibilty that i too would consider it worth while to go
to actual war to realy beat the crap out of some people that can not be considered
fit to rule anything at all except their own backyard, without their children, or
else a prison cell. I never thought I would want to feel that way. Usually
I wouldn't, and certainly not over territorial reasons, as i used to
think was usually the motivation. But I guess those romans also didn't
like their children to be sacrificed too much to too cruel religions' gods
either. And at least they had some kind of justice. Not that I consider them nice
or exemplatory, I just started to realize that all that horrible violence
probably also (not only, they were probably pretty much the brute beasts
that I pictured them to be) had some actual reason: that they didn't like
the babylonic rites to much, for instance, which, to put it mildly,
is understandable, especially when you are in the lucky circumstance of having
army that doesn't hesitate to simple cut the head of everybody that has
problems with its emporors views, and that those emperors knew all to
well how to play power games, and how much that sucked, and therefore
were not easily tempted to advance themselves on the ladder of mystery
and sacrifices (read torture), and also not to enstate and maintain such
a ladder: they ruled already! And had soldiers to simiply kill their
opponents, when they were too much of a pain in the behind, they didn't
need all that! It was probably not for nothing that it was a roman
soldier that was presented by Jesus as an example of somebody with solid
knowledge of authority. He didn't say: now look here, these scribes have
induced some serious fear of the lord, thats real good! He said: this soldier
(a headman) has understood that God is simply God and that when I as his son
tell him to do something, he does it, and trusts me to have sufficient authority.

What does this have to do with fear? Well a serious consideration is that
when I take it serious that there is such a thing (actually: person) as the
holy spirit, and I listen to it (which I think I should, and considering my experience
thus far i do gladly) IT WOULD BETTER BE THE RIGHT SPIRIT!
And not some product of my imagination, another person with whichever intentions,
or an evil spirit.
And that is a serious consideration.
At his moment, it doesn't qualify as fear, mainly because I didn't observe any
lie or inconstistency, not a single one, some eye-brow raising topics, but no more than that, and
I and sincere and very critical, I fail to see that if the holy spirit is gods spirit
i should pamper it by allowing a few occasional or recurrent profound or grey lies. When the spirit lies, it couldn't be the spirit of Jesus, and its out. Period.
And I stopped
listening before, for VERY good reasons, but they didn't include me catching the
holy spirit in a lie. Far from it. But it does prove to me that I am not enslaved
outside my own will, and that I can easily live without listening for years.
Missed it though. And I take it that because I did't listen, I failed to give myself the chance to confer with him about at some people I met and have the benfit of his opinion about the situation, which I can than put to the test. It might well have saved me and some of the girls I met to have interacted completely different, and in a way that would have set them (more) free and made me understand what they had to aoofer and where there difficulties (to put it very mild) lie.

And more seriously present in the concern department, is how on earth my thoughts
about the people I think I can link up with in thoughts combined with what He
seems to say about it are in line with the fact that thusfar NOBODY, and
I mean NOBODY of the people I've shared thoughts with has given me any tangible
response to make clear I'm even right about the horrible things I suspect
many of them have gone through.

Now I understand that that is firstly beside the point, secondly probably shamefull,
and thirdly potentionally very dangerous,
It is the forth option than can easily scare the hell out of me, using the
expression to make clear that it realy nothers me but that I can live with it
considering the first three.
Not having any tangible response could mean that none of the people I've
thought about and hopefully with is for real, or realy wants to chose to give
content to the thoughts that have been shared. In case of the people i've known,
i'll be a bit vague her, maybe I'll be clear later on: they pretty much all at some point in
time were with somebody else, and in some cases that hurt.

Considering what I NOW think might have been going on and in worst case
maybe still going on that pain is not so relevant compared to what they
suffered, and would make clear that it wasn't out of free choice that
they were put up with others, and than that bothers me a hell of a lot more
that the pain I felt, but raises the very serious range of questions and related
feelings of anxiety i try to describe.

When it is true that some of the girls/women I've realy wanted to be with
have been subdued to formes of wrape and torture i can't even realy imagine,
except for some of the physical things, NOTHING i think or say
realy means anything nearly sufficient to make that anywhere near
surmountable.
The shame, the pain, the mutilations, the emotional makeup, i can even start to understand what all that does to a person, ESPECIALLY when it concerns the most
hurt area of all, the personal, the intimate, the real, the sensitive, exactly
the area where something went wrong. And the associated fear for these things when dealing with somebody that does matter (at least). When all this is not true
(and i decided NOT to believe that) or i'm just seeing ghosts or trying to hide
rejection by thinking of excuses (which i for a variety of reasons also do not
believe, even though at some points i did have a real hard time with that
question), i have wasted a lotof emotional effort, time, not so easy choices
on something non-existent or superfluous. i can live with that, but at times it has been
hard to imagine that some of the people I still saw (though hardly spoke with) at the
time when it started te become clear that very serious abuse had been the past of
those people I loved didn't even seem to realy want me to be near hem

It took me some time to gather enough personal experience (and learn that
some things had to be very, and i mean very wrong) , and to realize that the
situation must realy be so bad that they were simply not able to either or both
believe i was for real and capable of dealing with the situation and / or
simply to affraid and hurt to connect up anywhere near naturally while being near.
I'm elaborating without too many details because i don't want to put people of,
they've hurt enough, i don't want to endanger them, by exposing at the wrong time
what they want to chose, and don;t want to rub it in that i may think they weren't
right about their assessment of me.

In short when they are in the situation I've read about, or a comparibly horrible
situation, I should buy a tank, get them out, give them a place to live for themselves
sufficiently long and save to regain some of the most basic forms of humanity, and
preferably kill the people that still would try to hount them. Considering
how they have probably killed, wraped, mutilated, conspired to blackmail
and threaten to inflict grave physical and emotional injury, and
I don't know what else they simply do deserve to die.
And than I don't mean
it's time for an exiting car chase with a little bluffing game in the end and some
persons hurt in combat, I mean that bastards like that (both the mothers and
the fathers, to mention a few), should simply be dead. Not by ritual, not
as retribution, not as 'revenge' but because this planet doesn't have enough breathing
room for their kind and me. Not kidding. They should be dead. Why? because there
is no reason for them to continue what they do, except to make full their
measure of unrighteousness and the let god in the end end it. I'm not god, I
don't want their victims suffering in those ways, and i therefore want them
to be dead. And I think that is very short of just, and i'm
not so stupid as to do anything illegal unless I'd want to start a civil war and bear the consequences, but 'people' can take that as a direct threat.

When i find somebody wanting to do some of the things i've read about i'll
find a very effective way to make sure they die before they'd have the chance.
In pictures: somebody is starting to nearly kil a victim while busy with some kind
of sexual or other sacrifice, or threatens to inflict so much harm that i
would think somebody might not live as a result i'll make sure wether they realy want
to do that and if so i find the nearest object i can smash their skull with.
Or if i happen to have a (preferably legal) gun i'd blow their brains out.
End of story.

People that visit these kind of rituals have an obligation by law to report
crimes. I have a reasonable obligation to stop wrapes and killings and i would.
Effectively, no show, nothing but simply an act of replacement self-defense.
And I would want to be very sure such a thing wouldn't happen again, and
i don't think it would qualify as excess of violence in court to have defended such avictim by killing their horrible criminal abuser. Even if it was a judge. Or a minister president, or whomever.

The deamons and authorities and powers in the heavenly want all that?
GGGGGMMPHHH, let them get a body first, then we'll see.
(for a 'christian' response: I firmly believe, and have ample personal
proof to make it very clear to me that christ's name alone already is higher. far higher.
Doesn't bother me, realy, it doesn't)
A necessary sacrifice? yeah right. Well, then lets sacrifice the torturers this
time, i don't think the deamons have a preference for youth, do they. Let the
abusers be the heroes that save the world by their suffering from now on, then.
I think I could kill in the face of so much ongoing misery, and feel not
too bad about it either. Having blood on my hands would be the expression,
defence of another life an alternative one. I don't like the idea, but i'd feel a whole lot
better knowing that at least some victims are a lot more free as a result, and that
society might be run by lesser sinners. To use that expression. Man is bad, yep. The whole world is worhty of death before god. Sure thing. Guess that is why they all die (they?) in the end as of some uncurable desease of the fittest.
But Sodom and Gomorah were turnded upside down, others weren't. Some people were killed out of the promised land, others weren't. Guess God has his reasons. He always does, doesn't he? Unless he doesn't exist. Then my natural instincts tell me the same: I don't like abuse, torture and their variations, and don't like to live with or in them.

I do NOT agree with 'lets stay with sin so that grace may abound'. I think the gouvernment shouldn't carry the sword in vain, and that less abuse and less criminal gouvernment is better than stumbling over a bunch of sneaky liars that seem to take for granted that non-persons in gouvernment circles consider it acceptable to be or are the pimps of their own daughters, working their way to the top over their backs, attracting people that appearently have no problems with organized abuse and aren't man enough to find women their own age and have sex without their peers present to torture the little unvoluntary whore half to death or organize (if thats the word) the lives of their victims, including their children as such a maffia controlled enterprise that the effect is the same.

Secondary benefits of the job, I guess. So it does 'pay' to try to get to the top.
And christianity says its ok.