HOLY SHIT! A CRYPTOZOOLOGY ARTICLE!

Tomorrow is Halloween and so what better a time to drop another Cryptozoology article?! I like to keep things close to home but y’know what?

Screw that – we’re going to England!

But first let’s take a look at some hooters…

…owls, to be correct you filthy, dirty simians!

Owls are bad-assed!

No – seriously…

For starters they have those razor-sharp talons that are pretty much vice-grips. Vice grips with freaking flesh-slicing nails on them. That don’t let go until they decide to let go (which, y’know, is usually when you’re being eaten). They have those, huge round eyes that have telescopic vision and they can see perfectly at night.

Perfectly.

At night.

In pitch black.

Plus they have serrated feathers so that when they fly they are pretty much ninety-percent silent.

See those circles of feathers around their eyes? Those are natural radar dishes.

That they can adjust.

Individually.

Each feather can be maneuvered to help home-in on a sound. Their ear holes are aligned one higher than the other so they can detect a rabbit stepping on a blade of grass about one hundred feet away.

They are avian ninjas!

Also they are feircely territorial. Like hippos. Most monster sightings and attacks are chalked-up to having been owl attacks when folks have unknowingly violated their air-space, with reports reflecting the “glowing eyes” and monstrous screetches!

Shit.

However the good people across the pond in the village of Mawnan, Cornwall United Kingdom would beg to differ.

On April 17th, 1976, one mister Don Melling was visiting Mawnan with his two daughters – June (12) and Vicky (9).

As they were walking through the forest the two girls ran up ahead to see the old Mawnan church. When they reached the clearing, they saw a giant, owl-looking being perched up on the church tower. They ran and got their father and they all three saw the Owlman staring down at them.

This was frightening enough that mister Melling decided “F&% this.” and packed his car up, took his girls and beat-feet outta’ Mawnan totes-fast, cutting his vacation short three whole days because they spotted a giant, humanoid owlman perched up on a church.

Staring at them.

THIS…

…WAS ON A CHURCH… STARING AT THEM!

Which somehow makes the whole experience even more horrifying when you think about it.

So a couple months later in June – some 14 year old girl named Sally Chapman was camping in the woods near the creepy church with her friend Barbara.

Apparently these chics hadn’t seen a lot of monster movies at the time because they were pretty much setting themselves up for disaster, because when Sally was standing outside the tent she heard a nasty hiss and saw “an owl as big as a man, with pointed ears and red eyes.”

Shit.

At this point, and in true Dark Knight fashion, the creature raised it’s wings and took flight, showcasing those awesome razor-sharp talons I told you about earlier.

Except, y’know much bigger and ergo much more terrifying and NOTHING at all like the above picture!

It looked more like this (I hope):

Whether they shat themselves, flailed their arms and ran away toot-sweet remains to be seen, because Wikipedia didn’t elaborate on that (personally I’d like to think that that’s what Barbara did, while Sally pulled out a shotgun, cocked it and Bruce Campbell-style shouted “Come get some, bitch!”).

So I guess there were a lot of sightings straight through the decades. Hell, some tourist from Chicago saw it in 1995 (but since they like Deep-Dish Pizza over New York thin-style I should call bullshit, but really how freaking awesome would a giant freaking owl monster in England be?!).

It gets referred to a lot as the Mothman of the UK and if you don’t know who or what the Mothman is, Google and Wikipedia are your best friends right now because I’m tired of writing this article and stuff.

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G.D. Strauff is the pen name of an upright, omnivorous hominid. Inhabiting the central New York region, he has been sighted foraging for comics, movies, monster legends and the occasional action figure which he decorates his cave with. A shy beast, he likes dinosaurs, bats, sharks and other nerdy things…