The connection between Jeh Johnson and 1.4 million potential terrorist leaders with experience in military weaponry and tactics threatens to derail the entire nomination process.

“We figured him to be a second-term pick for a high level position, possibly as Attorney General or a Supreme Court nomination, but this is beyond the pale,” ranted Joe Scarborough on his morning news show before anyone was awake. “This is exactly the kind of guy they’re warning us about, and Obama wants to put him in charge of warning us about people like him!”

Johnson has an impeccable pedigree, graduating from Columbia Law School and serving as Assistant United States Attorney in the Southern District of New York. His work in private practice has focused on civil rights issues and fundraising for the Democratic party.

However, Johnson was twice employed by the Department of Defense, an organization DHS has found to be operating numerous terrorist training camps in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Fayetteville, N.C., among others. Johnson served as Air Force General Counsel from 1998 to 1999 and General Counsel for the Department of Defense from 2009-2012.

“What we need to know right now is if he ever had contact with someone who was deployed during those time periods,” one senior official told reporters, “if they were successful in radicalizing him, and why he did not report to his superiors at the Department of Defense that he was in contact with ‘returners’”

“They wear some kind of ribbon or patch on their uniform for God’s sake,” he added.

Even more distressing are rumors that Johnson may have visited active war zones during his tenure, potentially becoming right-wing radicalized upon the act of “returning” to the United States.

“Oh they’re going to say that just because he’s black, he’s not a member of the Klan. Well we don’t know who is under those hoods. I hear the Klan gives them out at Bangor Airport with phone cards and a granola bar. That’s how they get these kids.”

Janet Napolitano was unavailable for comment, but the sounds of vultures feeding on raw carrion and inhuman shrieking could be heard coming from her office.

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Courtney Massengale is a distinguished graduate of USMA. His flanking maneuvers are perpetually better than those of his arch nemesis, Sam Damon. Courtney is in a loveless relationship with his wife of 94 years, Emily.
While not scheming to destroy Damon, Courtney enjoys pointless meetings, criticizing others and twirling his mustache.