A (mostly) humorous look at life. No, really. I'm serious.

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I Just Don’t Get It

And here I thought one of the perks of getting older is that wisdom piles on you like a football player under a group tackle. Seems you simply know stuff; it comes with the territory. But apparently that’s not how it works because I’m 62 and still often baffled.

For instance, I don’t get it when someone says, “I know that road like the back of my hand.“ Obviously that person is referring to a familiarity with the road. But I ask you, how well do you really know the back of your hand? I, for one, couldn’t pick mine out of a lineup.

Just looks like an old hand to me

Why are razor blades pricey? They’re like buying gold. What’s the justification? Is stainless steel in short supply? I imagine people frequently steal them. Here’s a thought: lower the price to let’s say, the cost of silver, and they might not get nabbed as often.

The most expensive razor: $200 with sapphire blades

When someone is faced with public speaking, why is it said that picturing the audience nakedwill help them to be less nervous? That’s never worked for me. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not opposed to nudity but if I’m imagining my audience naked, they might be doing the same with me. That thought frightens me more than giving my speech. Need I remind you I have a 62-year-old body?

Nope. Still nervous

I don’t get why my tennis shirt has three 4-inch laundry instruction tags inside. Is this really necessary? Is there a poem prefacing the washing instructions? Maybe a riddle? What constitutes needing such annoyingly itchy tags?

Seriously?

Why do they say money doesn’t buy happiness? I don’t get that. When I have money to vacation in Italy with my friends and buy Italian pottery (I definitely don’t need but desperately want), that makes me happy. Case closed.

Back to school ads. Unless you have a kid in year-round school, it should be illegal to peddle educational supplies in early July. Give the kids a break; summer is in it’s infancy. Market Slip n Slide’s (do they still have those?) and Popsicle’s instead.

That’s more like it

Why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? Can’t I have it both ways? Think of it like this: I possess my cake. Then I eat it. Therefore, I’ve had my cake. Then I buy more cake. Eat and repeat.

Come to Mama

Why do some TV commercials neglect to mention what a particular drug is for?Instead, they mention the numerous side affects, then say speak to your doctor about XYZ to determine if it’s the right medication for you. No thank you. They pay millions to run these ads, then make me have to Google what it’s about? They’ve succeeded in only one thing: annoying me.

Speaking of commercials, why do we need TV ads from the National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse (yes, it’s a thing) to remind men to spend time with their kids? For instance, It Only Takes a Moment to Make a Moment campaign. Has it really come to this? Are we that disconnected from our families that we need the media to tell us we’re sucking at parenting? Apparently so…

Why is it when NPR’s Fresh Air segment takes breaks, some are only 20 seconds long? Nothing is being sold, just a 20 second jingle of Do-De-Do-De-Do, La De Da De Da. Then they resume the interrupted conversation. What’s that about, Terry?