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Sunday Contributions.

The Anna Raccoon Archives

by Anna Raccoon on January 30, 2011

It’s the commentators that make this blog – erudite, witty, emotive, angry, endlessly fascinating, they come in all shapes and sizes, and are the whole reason this blog exists – here are my favourites from this week.

If there is an official stood behind the last pundit when the remark is made, then it isn’t offensive, even if the other pundit is behind the official when they respond to said remark.

Of course they changed the rules about fifteen years ago, it used to be offensive if the last pundit was stood alongside the official, but now if one is level with the official, then it isn’t offensive.

It is all very confusing, especially when one factors in the consideration of passive offensiveness. When the pundit is behind the official when the remark is made, is he interfering with the broadcast or the career of the official? If not, even though he is behind the official at the time the remark is made, it is ruled inoffensive and the banter continues.

But of course, if the pundit isn’t interfering with the broadcast, then what is he doing on the bloody telly?

In my case, the eleventh commandment, dictated by the wife and seconded by the cat-

“Thou Shalt Not Blog.”

“Mainly Because We Demand Thy Fulle Attentions in Order of The Pact Thou Haste, but Secondly Because We Demand To Control Thee In such Ways In Private! We Reserveth the Rights to Licketh Thy Heade, Snuggle Up To Thee In The Darke Hours of The Nighte, And In Generalle, Commande Thye Love and Affectione!”

Since our bodies are 80% water, cremation rather neatly converts most of us to vapour, which is then breathed and absorbed by those living along the smoke-plume path. Other vapour falls to the ground and makes its way to the watercourse, other may fall on your salad crops and be eaten for tea, so you’re shared around quite widely, really. Together with water vapour, the finest ash also goes up the chimney to fall out similarly; those living down-wind of crematoria sometimes find their cars coated with a fine, thin film of dead people. I’m all in favour of this – it all seems quite wholesome and organic to me. And since I shall be breathed / eaten / absorbed by those vegetarians and vegans who irritate me so much in life, I am definitely going for cremation, in the most inefficient facility available.

Not that I like looking like a G.I. at all, but mine is nowadays ultra short, as I’m going grey and can’t be bothered with it long.Anyway, it’s better for licking, ask my cat, she’ll agree. Nine out of ten cats said their owners preferrred it.

LivewireJanuary 30, 2011 at 20:24

Thanks for the kudos, Anna. I’m been enjoying the blog for a while but only started commenting recently. Should be a few more seditious poems and puns in the future…

LivewireJanuary 30, 2011 at 20:50

Grr typos. “I’ve” – where the bees are kept.

Bill Sikes’ DogJanuary 30, 2011 at 19:23

‘Remember not to put the socks in with the whites..’

Is that actionable?

Certainly , especially if they’re coloured !

Gloria SmuddJanuary 30, 2011 at 20:19

I’m all for action on behalf of those unhappy socks – irrespective of hue – who find themselves, through no fault of their own, facing the world alone and inexplicably separated from their twin during the terrifying, prolonged and viciously-agitated ordeal of a 40-degree fast-spin cycle. It’s akin to water-boarding for feet’s sake and to lose one’s sole-mate to boot is toe cruel for words. Some wounds never heel.

EngineerJanuary 30, 2011 at 23:58

Darn me – that’s a hole lot of puns to cotton on to. No woolly thinking in that post. I notice you’ve been a little elastic with the language, which might needle some, but you did manage to keep the thread going.