Eclipse: Chapters 9-10

Popular consensus is that I make my picspam known to picspammy. And so it shall be. I've got seven out of sixteen already done. Be on the lookout! :D

And now, an update on Eclipse. Told you it'd be faster than the last one. I am so not looking forward to this. Meyer goes from Rosalie’s Epic Chapter of Rape O’Clock Baby Machine DOOM to…well, you’ll see.

You’ll all see. *dramatic orchestra hit*

Chapter 8 – Temper

Turns out that Jacob and Bella decided to start the day of hooky out with a walk along the beach. Jacob is an arrogant ass for the majority of the first part, because he thinks he’s just awesome for getting her away from the Cullens. All it’s doing for me is getting me riled up to write a fic where Charlie drives up in his cruiser and delivers a smackdown to them both for skipping school. Jacob then asks, all hopeful, if the Cullens will try to come fetch her. Bella denies it, and then laments that they will be so angry with her. No, she does not express any kind of anger herself over this. Jacob tells her to just stick around instead, because, hey, Charlie won’t mind her moving in with Jacob. Bella’s thoughts?

I didn't answer. Jacob was probably right, and that made me grind my teeth together. Charlie’s blatant preference for my Quileute friends was so unfair. I wondered if he would feel the same if he knew the choice was really between vampires and werewolves.

Who knows if he would, Bella. But at the moment, his choices are thusly:

1) Edward. Edward is a condescending asshole and makes no effort to ingratiate himself to Charlie’s good side. He doesn’t even have enough respect for him to call him Mr. or Chief Swan. He also has made it quite clear that you, Charlie’s own daughter, are basically his and his alone and he doesn’t give a damn if Charlie doesn’t approve. He also never sees you two laugh together, never sees you two really talk, never really sees you two interact as friends in any way.

2) Jacob. Jacob has been a family friend for years. You laugh with Jacob, and you were honestly very happy with Jacob and it showed. Jacob is nice, has a sense of humor, doesn’t condescend him, and Charlie actively approves of him.

Hmm.

And yes, I know there are definite flaws in all this (Charlie, why do you not approve of Wardo because he’s a bad influence, but you’re perfectly fine with Jacob helping Bella build and ride a motorcycle as well as going cliff diving with her?), but still. The point is there—Wardo is actively contemptuous of Charlie. Jacob is not. Bella laughs with Jacob. She doesn’t laugh with Wardo. I know who I’d choose.

Oh, and Bella? Even if he did know it was between werewolves and vampires, he’d still pick Jacob—because Wardo eats people. Is a murderer. Has killed and doesn’t feel a bit sorry for it. Jacob is a protector and has never killed a person in his life.

Anyway, Bella then brings the whole thing to a screeching halt when he idly asks about “the latest pack scandal”. Turns out there actually is one—Quill imprinted. Oh boy. Yeah, I think we all know where this is headed. Jacob looks all frowny about it, and as they continue their walk, he holds her hand. We get this from Bella on the subject:

I thought of how we must look walking hand and hand down the beach—like a couple, certainly—and wondered if I should object. But this was the way it had always been with Jacob… No reason to get worked up about it now.

Uh, yeah, Bella, there is a reason. When you were doing this with Jacob, YOU WEREN’T WITH WARDO. YOU WERE TECHNICALLY SINGLE.

But you are definitely right. That IS how it’s always been with Jacob—you stringing him along, using him, manipulating him. Why change now, eh? After all, character growth and change is against Meyer’s religion, or something.

Bella starts prodding about why everyone is so up in arms about Quil. Jacob evades the question, and he starts mumbling about how all of the legends and rumors are turning out to be true, and it’s a real bother, and finally starts spitting it out. Quil has been hanging around Emily’s, and two of her nieces showed up one day, including Claire—WHAMMO, now she’s Quil’s intended. Bella at first thinks Emily doesn’t want Claire with Quil because he’s a werewolf, because, hey, look at her face, eh? Jacob tells her to quit jumping to conclusions, and then tells Bella “not to be judgmental” before dropping the bomb.

"Claire is two," Jacob told me.

Hey, guys, I don’t think you quite understood what Jacob just said. I’ll write it in all caps.

CLAIRE IS TWO.

Oh, if you think we’ve only just entered the realm of WTF, you wait and see Jacob’s defense.

Bella is, understandably, appalled, and I actually gave her a thumbs-up for it. Jacob handwaves it, and Bella points out the fact that the kid’s only a baby. And Jacob handwaves it again:

He looked at me with dark amusement. "Quil's not getting any older," he reminded me, a bit of acid in his tone. "He'll just have to be patient for a few decades."

Mmhmm…keep talking, Jacob, because I am totally saving all this up for when this particular conversation is through.

Bella is now pretty much “horrified”, and Jacob scolds her for being all judgmental like he told her not to (what is with you, Bella, doing something a man told you not to?!). She points out that it “sounds creepy”, and I have to wonder if I somehow slipped into a wormhole and landed in a parallel universe where Bella’s the one who talks sense. Jacob gets into a snit upon being told that, though, and—well, this whole conversation needs to be transcribed:

"It's not like that; you've got it all wrong," Jacob defended his friend, suddenly vehement. "I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now." He took a deep breath, frustrated. "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother.

"Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then, when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and Sam." A strange, bitter edge sharpened his tone at the very end, when he spoke of Sam.

"Doesn't Claire get a choice here?"

"Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone."

*looks ahead* You done now? We moving off the subject of imprinting on the two-year-old? Okay.

If you all may recall, I did a big long discussion of imprinting when it first showed up back in Chapter 5. At the end of that discussion, I said that I was aware of the fact that I had not gone over the most squickity aspects of imprinting, but that I was going to address those points as they came at me.

Well, one just came at me. In the worst way.

We’re gonna open this little bit up with a quote! Again, it’s from Wiki.

Child Grooming: The deliberate actions taken by an adult to form a trusting relationship with a child, with the intent of later having sexual contact, is known as child grooming. The act of grooming a child sexually may include activities that are legal in and of themselves, but later lead to sexual contact.

Invading the child’s privacy (e.g. walking in on him/her in the bathroom)

Hugging, kissing, or other physical contact even when the child does not want this attention

Allowing the child to get away with inappropriate behavior

Talking to the child about problems that would normally be discussed between adults (e.g. marital problems)

Becoming good friends with the child’s parents in order to gain easy access to their child (e.g. babysitting)

Inviting the child over for sleepovers or sleeping in the same room or bed with someone else’s child that wouldn’t normally be done between an adult and the child

Now, notice that a couple are struck through—those do not apply here, because they don’t come up or happen in the text.

Everything else? YEAH. Oh, you think I’m wrong, huh, Meyer? Yeah, I heard you using Jacob as your mouthpiece. Well, let’s just examine every single point highlighted up in this quote here, and I’ll use examples from your text.

To quote you, Meyer, just right up there: “And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother. Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had.”

If that ain’t a “special” friend, I don’t know what is. Quil is setting himself up to be THE PERSON in Claire’s life. He is the ultimate—he is much more special than anybody else she knows, and believe me, we see their interaction later—it is quite clear that Quil does everything in his power to be that “special” friend.

2) Giving gifts or money to the child for no apparent reason.

Quil showers Claire with gifts and attention.

3) Talking about sexual topics that are not age-appropriate.

Granted, this is actually meant to be talking to the child, but I did not strike it through because I believe it is relevant for this reason: “Quil’s not getting any older…He’ll just have to be patient for a few decades.” That is clearly a sexual intent, and it is highly inappropriate.

4) Invading a child’s privacy (e.g. walking in on him/her in the bathroom).

We see that Quil follows Claire EVERYWHERE. As in, won’t let her out of his sight.

5) Hugging, kissing, or otherwise physical contact even when the child does not want this attention.

We have seen how the others who imprinted behave—always have at least one hand on the imprintee. We see later that Quil is no different, always finding an excuse to pick up and hold or hug Claire.

6) Allowing the child to get away with inappropriate behavior.

Claire is allowed to do whatever she wants around Quil, including hit him with rocks and other inappropriate behavior. I’m sure Meyer thought that this was allowed because the werewolves are super strong and can’t feel it, but she forgot that humans can, and Claire is going to be raised knowing that she can get away with things around Quil, but can’t around her parents, and we all know who children prefer when it comes to that sort of thing.

7) Becoming good friends with the child’s parents in order to gain easy access to their child (e.g. babysitting).

All members of the tribe know each other and are close. It is obvious that Claire’s parents trust Quil, because he is never without her and always babysitting her, and when he isn’t, he is with the family in general, always making sure to be around Claire and not really paying much attention to the family.

8) Inviting the child over for sleepovers or sleeping in the same room or bed with someone else’s child that wouldn’t normally be done between an adult and the child.

This one goes with the previous one—it’s made quite clear that Quil will go to any lengths to have Claire near him, that one included.

And what effect has all of this had on Claire? I hate to bring up future books, but it’s necessary. In a scene with Claire and Quil in Breaking Dawn, we discover that Claire is glad that her mother has left her with Quil, and that she never wants to go home and wants to spend all of her time with Quil. One could easily argue that I’m clearly reading too much into it—many small children have preferred uncles or grandparents or aunts or siblings or even parents. It’s natural to be more inclined to want to hang out with the person who spoils you the most. Or, take this story—a personal experience.

Back when I was fourteen, the little, five-year-old brother of a guy I knew in school came to one of the basketball games. I was told I just had to meet this kid, because he was a little dinosaur freak just like I was. We started talking, and I promised that if he came to the next basketball game, I’d bring him some of my dinosaur toys and he could play with them. He was shy at first, but the next time I saw him with a whole backpack full of my very best toys, well, he just couldn’t get enough of me. He was always asking when the next game was, or when he would get to see me next, and he was always reluctant to leave once we met again. He would follow me everywhere when we were together (except the bathroom—I drew the line there). He loved me to death, and I loved that kid, too—he was the sweetest thing. I was sure to give him a couple of my toys when I left for high school, because I knew there was pretty much no chance I’d see him again after that, seeing as his older brother and I were rather at odds for our entire school careers.

One could argue that that is what imprinting is like. Unfortunately, it is clearly not the case when you read the huge quote describing imprinting up there. Because my world did not revolve around Joshua. I was not just giving him toys to spoil him—I just had fun playing with him. But I wasn’t afraid to tell him no, and would take away the toys if he got too out of line. I still think about him sometimes and miss him, because he really was a sweet kid, but it’s rare.

And most importantly, I’ve never found myself thinking, “I wonder if, when he grows up, that we’d look good together.”

That’s the rub, Meyer. These kids are being GROOMED. They are being prepped and groomed and molded into whatever the person who imprinted on them wants. They are being taken from their families, being manipulated into thinking that the one who imprinted on them is the greatest person in the whole wide world, and grow up knowing that the person who imprinted on them is their true love and their soul mate and there is nothing they can do about it. Choice, you say? BULLSHIT. I’ve already outlined why there is no choice, and this one is even sicker than the girls who are adults, because that baby there is being raised with the sole intent of bearing Quil’s babies. He’s going to wait and bide his time and then he’s gonna boink her like there is no tomorrow.

Now, how about this quote:

"Doesn't Claire get a choice here?"

"Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone."

Now take that into conjunction with this particular quote again: “And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother… Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then, when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and Sam.”

Here’s my question. How the hell does this guy know what the girl likes and does not like? Can he read her mind? Are they connected? Or does he just find out what she likes and then make sure that he is that? Who here honestly wants a person who conforms themselves to whatever the other likes? Also, that’s just more of this sick, disgusting grooming here—oh, look, Claire, he’s exactly what you want and what you like. Sky Masterson phrased it well—a guy shouldn’t be fabric for a woman to cut up and style the way they wear husbands this year.

And, then, lastly, there is this part: “Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn’t a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be.”

I think there’s really only one thing I need to say here.

Judge Turpin adopted Johanna Barker when she was a baby. He raised her as his daughter, and she grew up calling him father. However, he raised her with pretty much the sole intention of marrying her when she was old enough for him to get away with it. Johanna was groomed.

Yes, Meyer, take a good, long look at Judge Turpin. And take a good, long look at Johanna. See what kind of person Turpin is, and what Johanna’s general mental state is. And now, let me ask you this.

Meyer, say you grew up calling your husband your brother your entire life. Would you still marry him? Say your father isn’t your biological father—he’s a step father who’s raised you since you were a baby. And then, out of the blue, he starts putting the moves on you and declaring he loves you passionately and that you are his soul mate. Would you want to marry him?

Bella and Jacob chat for a bit about inane things, and then Bella asks if Jacob thinks he’ll imprint, and I just leapt right out of my seat when she did, because dude, that is not a polite topic of conversation, especially when you take the above into consideration, not to mention that Bella here obviously thinks imprinting is romantic and wonderful (no, she does). Jacob replies with a dramatic NEVAH!!!!11!!11oneleventy11!!, before basically declaring his undying love for Bella and saying that she is basically in his head ALL THE TIME.

Yeeeeeaaah. After reading Midnight Sun and seeing what Meyer thinks is romantic regarding a guy thinking about a girl all the time? Jacob, go sit over there. I don’t want to risk you getting any of your creepy on me.

Actually, I just realized it’s even creepier than that—Jacob just told Bella, “Whenever I jerk off, I think about you.”

JACOB. CORNER. NOW.

Bella ponders leaving, and Jacob cliiiiiiiiiiings and tells her not to leave. Bella is antsy, because she knows what Jacob is thinking about her.

*throws up her hands* JESUS!!! We’ve known this since New Moon! YOU’VE known this since New Moon! You’ve known he LIKED you since Twilight! WHAT IS YOUR DEAL???!!!!

*shakes a finger at Meyer* You think I’m so stupid that I’ll just brush aside what we already know if you tell me to, so as to make Jacob’s big dramatic “AH LUVS YA” just sooooo surprising? FUCK YOU. NO. I am not doing that.

Jacob then insists that it’s fine, and that they should go ride motorcycles. Bella says that she’s not allowed, and Jacob zings her by asking if it’s Charlie who decreed that or Wardo. Bella completely misses his point by replying, “Both.”

*slaps forehead* WE KNOW IT’S BOTH, BELLA. THAT WASN’T THE POINT.

Jacob manages to talk her into it anyway, because we all know Bella’s a girl who can’t say no (how the hell is she still a virgin if she’s the most pliable human being on the face of the earth?). Off they go to ride motorcycles, and it is happy la-la—or it’s supposed to be. I wouldn’t know—we don’t see but one sentence of it. They head back to Billy’s to have lunch, and then clean up the now muddy bikes in Jacob’s garage. Ruh-roh! It’s the coke-touching again! More symbolic sex in Jacob’s garage!

Seriously, though—why can’t you just write it as them toasting? It’s always “He touched his can to mine.” Never anything different. Variety is nice, Meyer. Anyway, Jacob laments how he wished things were just back to normal, back in the past. Of course, Bella disagrees, because nothing he has could measure up to Wardo, and when Jacob mentions things have changed, Bella decides that it’s been far too long since she last whined.

"Yeah," I said, and then I reached out and patted the back tire of my bike. "Charlie used to like me. I hope Billy doesn't say anything about today…" I bit my lip.

Gee, Bella. I wonder why Charlie doesn’t like you, as you sit there, stroking your motorcycle that you went riding around on instead of going to school, and then thinking of more ways to lie to him.

It’s a mystery.

Jacob then decides to fall all over himself apologizing for ratting her out about said motorcycle, even though he really has nothing to apologize for—she deserved that. Bella, of course, holds forgiveness over his head for a moment before granting it to her lowly minion, and he licks that up like—no, I won’t go there. Then things take a turn for the serious. Jacob asks if she was “really serious…when [she] said it was none of [his] business…if—if he bit [her]”. And yet again, how the hell is that none of his business, Bella? Wardo would be breaking the treaty—that is definitely his business. It’s a whole lot of people’s business. Bella doesn’t think of that, of course, and says that naturally she was serious, because you don’t seem to understand that, Jacob—she doesn’t care about being friends with you or anything like that. She wants to be beautiful and immortal and she wants her Oompa Loompa NOOOOOOOOW and nobody is willing to tell her to can it. Not even you.

Jacob reminds her that if they break the treaty, they are going to be in deep doo-doo with the werewolves, even if they do leave to bite her, because they promised never to kill or change ANYONE, no matter where they were (which makes me wonder if the werewolves know about the fact that pretty much everybody in their little group has murdered people at some point or another and not one of them is the least bit sorry about it). Bella tries to nix that by saying Jacob already broke it by telling her about the vampires back in Twilight. Jacob counters by saying he didn’t think the legends were true, so it doesn’t count, and even if it did, it’s not like it’s some sort of exchange system. He pretty much says that when they change Bella, they’re declaring war.

So, Bella starts whining about how “it doesn’t have to be that way”, and I really just want to bitchsmack her, because, to use YOUR words, Bella, IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. That is the way the treaty was made, you bint. And yet again, no mention of the fact that her precious vampires are just as contemptuous of the werewolves as the werewolves are of them.

Jacob lays down the law because THAT IS THAT, and so Bella starts whining again about how Jacob will never forgive her for turning into a vampire, and he says she “won’t be Bella anymore”, and I just wanna laugh because boy oh boy was he ever wrong—because character development and arcs NEVER HAPPEN in these books.

So, Bella whines some more and starts putting on the “this is goodbye” speech, which surprises Jacob, because he was apparently under the impression that he had a few years with her. Wrong-O, Jacob! More like weeks. Well, Jacob FLIPS HIS SHIT, squeezing his pop so tight it explodes (which makes no sense—I thought it was open already. It wouldn’t explode because it wasn’t under pressure anymore) and almost exploding into a werewolf right then and there. Bella cowers and trembles instead of getting the hell out of there, but Jacob finally calms down and starts ranting and raving about how outrageous it is he would be considering changing her so soon. And then Bella takes that knife and sticks it right into Jacob’s ribs:

"Of course, Jake," I whispered after a long minute of silence. "He's seventeen, Jacob. And I get closer to nineteen every day. Besides, what's the point in waiting? He's all I want. What else can I do?"

Take away the whining about getting old, take away her seeing absolutely no reason in the world to wait to be turned into a vampire, because, hey, family and friends are human and they suck. “He’s all I want.”

Basically, she just looked right at Jacob and said, “You are worth exactly jack shit to me.”

And…I’m supposed to believe that Jacob is her best friend and all that. I’m even supposed to believe that she LAAAAAAAAAAHVES him later on at the end of this particular book.

Again. Sorry to say this in such close proximity to the last one, but it needs to be said.

NO. FUCK YOU, MEYER.

Jacob declares that “[she’d] be better off dead”, and that “[he’d] rather [she] were”. Well, you know how Bella feels about being old and dead. She declares first that oh, her pain, how he hurt her, and then works up her own anger and fury. And just what do you think she replies with? Maybe a nasty reply about how vampires are technically dead, so he’ll be getting his wish? Maybe just a good ol’ “screw you, bitch”. That’d be good.

No. We get this.

"Maybe you'll get lucky," I said bleakly, lurching to my feet. "Maybe I’ll get hit by a truck on my way back."

Yes. THAT is her comeback.

Meyer? I’ve got news for you. Remember that movie A Christmas Story? How Ralphie talks about how he’s going to be blind by age twenty because of soap poisoning, and then his parents would be sorry they ever washed his mouth out with soap?

That was comedy, because he was being childish and silly. We laughed at the sheer ridiculousness and melodrama of the whole fantasy.

I’d also like to point out that Ralphie was nine. Bella is twice his age.

And, of course, lastly, I wish I could say that’s the first time we’ve seen Bella pull that bullshit. But I’d like to remind everyone of what she did in Twilight when Wardo continued to ride that pole up his ass after saving Bella from the Van of Doom—she whined to his face about how he wishes she was dead.

If that were a character flaw? I’d be fine with it. Except it’s not. That was supposed to be Bella’s cutting reply to Jacob’s meanness.

PHAIL.

So, Bella grabs her motorcycle and rides back to the Cullens’ in the rain, whining the whole way. Alice is waiting for her, notices she’s all pissy, but doesn’t pry. Bella expresses a desire to go home, and Alice makes it clear that that is not an option because if she did, Wardo would get pissy at her. So Bella goes upstairs for a shower and goes to bed on the sofa.

Scene change!

Bella wakes up to discover that she has been moved onto the bed and that Wardo is now there. Remember how mad she was supposed to be? Ehehehe.

I tensed, waiting for the fury—both his and mine—but it was only quiet and calm in the darkness of his room. I could almost taste the sweetness of reunion in the air, a separate fragrance from the perfume of his breath; the emptiness when we were apart left its own bitter aftertaste, something I didn't consciously notice until it was removed.

There was no friction in the space between us. The stillness was peaceful—not like the calm before the tempest, but like a clear night untouched by even the dream of a storm.

And I didn't care that I was supposed to be angry with him. I didn't care that I was supposed to be angry with everyone. I reached out for him, found his hands in the darkness, and pulled myself closer to him. His arms encircled me, cradling me to his chest. My lips searched, hunting along his throat, to his chin, till I finally found his lips.

Yeah, if you thought there was going to be any kind of fight, well…you’ve been drinking too much. Because Bella will bitch and whine about Jacob being angry about a choice she actively makes. But she is perfectly fine with Wardo taking away any choice she has. He only does it because he loves her. Wonder why that excuse doesn’t work for Jacob.

Oh, and there’s more of that POV problem I mentioned in chapter seven. Do any of you guys ever think on the fly like that? I do not think you do—but if you do actually think automatically like that, why haven’t you written a book yet?

Wardo is patronizing, talking about how if this is her rage over him keeping her hostage, he’s gonna do it more often, and they exchange sugary sweet nonsense and have a nice, flat, and drab Mormon make-out session, complete with the *gasp* oh-so daring and risqué move of Wardo looping Bella’s leg around his hip. He asks what’s wrong with the bed, and then they start rolling around on it, and I’m supposed to think it’s hot. Well, I don’t. You want to know why? Here, lemme use an example. I hope you don’t mind, Mrs. Hyde.

Sands leaned forward, and Snape was unable to keep himself from stiffening in anticipation, but Sands stopped short, leaving Snape tense and waiting. The soft huff of Sands’s measured breathing was warm on his flushed skin, and he nuzzled at him, slowly running the tip of his pointed nose along his stiff cock. “I told you—my way or the highway,” he murmured, his moist lips brushing against him, and Snape swelled with ire, but whatever he had been planning to throw back in his face was wiped away by the sudden and swift sensation of Sands’s hot mouth enveloping his cock.

As opposed to:

And then Sands started to give Snape a blowjob, and it was aggravatingly nice, because Snape liked women and hated Sands, but Sands gave good head.

Boring. No detail, no arousal, no nothing. Just…okay, so Sands is given Snape a blowjob. I’m supposed to imagine the rest? While I agree that leaving things up to the readers’ imagination is a good technique and I love it, you need to set a tone, otherwise they’re just going to run off and imagine something else. Like when you were talking about Wardo and Bella making out, I was off in my own little world imagining Snape getting a blowjob from Sands (and how I wish that would somehow get back to Meyer, just so it would make her head explode).

Therein lies the ultimate problem with this, Meyer.

YOUR WRITING HAS NO EMOTION.

Oh, you can tell me all you want about how Wardo’s kissing Bella, and you can describe how he’s getting all sexy about it, but it’s just the same laundry-list style you always use. This isn’t sexy or hot. I’m not hearing about any kind of arousal, or feelings, or anything. If anything, all I’m hearing about is how cold Wardo is, and while ice play is indeed a kink and there are some people who really get off on ice cubes being stuck in their hoonanny, I know for a fact that is not the way you meant it. There is just NOTHING THERE. It’s no different then Airhead and Neville’s make-out scenes. “He kissed her here. Then there. And then they kissed again. His hands were on her back. And more kissing.” In the words of Mike Nelson, FLAT, DRAB PASSION MEANDERS ACROSS THE SCREEN.

It’s BORING, Meyer. They’re just two people mashing their faces together and sitting close to each other. They’re not even undulating and dry humping. They’re just kind of sitting there, switching positions. If that’s what you think is sexy and hot, my GOD, what goes through your mind when you hug family members? That’s pretty much all these two are doing.

And sorry to kind of interrupt the flow, but I was talking about this with a friend, and this is really the only place to put it. It’s more science phail for Meyer.

So, Wardo’s ice cold, right? That means he has an absence of heat, because there is really no such thing as “cold”. There’s heat, and there’s not heat. Well, due to the way thermodynamics work, that means Wardo’s body would always be sucking the heat out of everything in an attempt to reach an equilibrium. However, as he never gets any warmer, he just constantly absorbs heat from whatever he touches, whether that be the air or a warm object or a person.

And here he is, wrapped around Bella (or maybe Bella’s wrapped around him—Meyer isn’t very clear on this point). Basic science says that if they sat that way for long enough, she’d…be hypothermic. Because they’d never reach an equilibrium. He’d just absorb all of her heat.

Oh, but let me guess your response, Meyer. “I’m an English Major, not a Science Major!”

*pleasantly* I’m not a Science Major, either. So, care to make another excuse?

Anyway, moving on.

Wardo talks about how he thinks the bed is just great, and Bella says that it’s “unnecessary”, which is funny, because I was just thinking the same thing about this scene in general. They roll around some more, and while people call this the “dry humping scene”, I’m really not seeing any of it. “Dry humping” implies, you know, actual humping. And is usually accompanied by total making out and heavy petting. None of that here. And I would also like to point out that while this is supposed to be all passionate and wild and wonderful…no mention of an erection. Oh, we hear that Bella’s hot and everything, but Wardo? Not one bit of arousal.

Sorry, Bella, but you apparently don’t do anything for Wardo here. Because he is CLEARLY GAY.

So, Bella asks if he “changed his mind”, which just confused me—when did she ever proposition him for sex? I know she does later, but this makes no sense. I’m guessing that Meyer doesn’t know what she’s talking about, either. Wardo stiffly (not that way) lays down the law, because they are going to make out under HIS rules, and she gets no say in the matter, and it’s all done under the guise of it being too dangerous to get into actual sexy time, but we all know it’s just him having one more thing to control, and using sex as a way to keep her in line.

Bella continues to beg for sex, or at least some more of that flat, drab passion, saying that she “likes danger”, and then Wardo gets all stiff (still not that way) because that reminds him of the motorcycle he undoubtedly saw, so Bella brings the topic back around to how hot he makes her, and once again, Meyer is telling us one thing but showing another—other than her breath quickening, I saw no indications that Wardo was turning her on. Then Meyer actually writes out that Bella is clinging to Wardo, and more pointless dialogue is exchanged, Wardo tells us that Bella is testing his self-control when she gets all makey-outy, and MY GOD, I just want this to end, because it’s all bullshit. Nobody’s aroused and we all know it.

So, then Wardo says he wants to apologize and says sorry for having Bella held hostage, and makes it quite clear that he only does it because he loves her and reads a line of crap we all know is patently false—he does it because he doesn’t want you to see Jacob. And, of course, Bella immediately forgives him and will never think twice about this again and we are not surprised. Bella then starts apologizing herself, and is all confused because Wardo’s being magnanimous about her disobeying his orders, and this whole thing is seriously pissing me off. He then declares that she has permission to see the werewolves.

And you know what? That pisses me off even more. Because I’m not stupid. That’s not him seeing the error of his ways and realizing he was wrong. This whole thing is him doing nothing but say, “SEE HOW MUCH BETTER I AM THAN JACOB?” This is just him trying to be better than everybody else. He doesn’t actively believe it, because he’s still horribly prejudiced and contemptuous of the werewolves. He’s just doing it so Bella will think he’s better than Jacob and so he’ll have the high ground.

Not to mention that whole permission thing. But I already wrote a fic that stated my opinion on Wardo giving her permission for everything she does.

But Bella comes to none of these conclusions and goes back to being all sugary sweet and sappy, until Wardo asks when she’ll be going back. She gets back into sulk and whine mode, talking about how she’s not welcome there anymore, whines because Jacob said he wanted her to be dead, and Wardo responds by…“[crushing her] gently to his chest”. I’m not even going to try to understand how that works. Bella whines some more, and then Wardo says that he’d happily go kill Jacob over that. And, of course, Bella is fine with this and makes light of it. If Jacob had said the same thing? Well, all bets would be off. Bella tries to demand sex again, and Wardo’s an unrelenting prick (but not that kind) about it. But the anti-sex argument is for later, so I’m not going to bring up why that pisses me off right now. Bella then asks about Rosalie, and Wardo says he knows because he read her mind about it. And Bella asks about his harem up in Denali.

Wardo goes total defensive mode, and that’s a real good way to keep from looking suspicious, isn’t it? And then…well, this conversation makes no sense whatsoever to me. She says she’s not worried, because Wardo is gay wasn’t interested, but is all worried because one or more of the Denali vampires were showing interest in him, and then starts panicking at the mere thought of one of them digging on him. And Wardo won’t tell her, and none of this makes any sense. I mean…it doesn’t. The only sense I can make out of it is the fact that Bella is once again moping because the vampires are prettier than she is. But she says she’s not jealous, but then out-right panics at the thought of another vampire thinking Wardo was hot—and not jealousy panic. Just…panics. And I don’t get it. And if it was really nothing, as Wardo claims, why is he so secretive about it and worried about telling her?

It’s all contrived and a bunch of bullshit, so I’ll just sum it up. Tanya thinks Wardo’s the berries, Wardo claims he was nice in turning her down (but we all know better because we’ve already read that particular bit in Midnight Sun), and Bella whines about not being as beautiful. That’s when Meyer pulls this out of her butt:

He put his lips right to my ear; his cold breath tickled. "I prefer brunettes."

"She's a blonde. That figures."

"Strawberry blonde—not at all my type."

That totally reads like Meyer’s little way of showing up all the blonde girls in school who got all the boys while she, the brunette, got nothing.

Wardo then patronizingly calls her jealousy “adorable” and how much he enjoys it and gets off on it, and that’s just sick, especially when you take into consideration how he got downed right threatening and scared Bella into submission when she so much as suggested he was jealous. So Wardo tells her to go to sleep and actually calls her “my Bella”, and yes, we already knew that, Wardo, and, as usual, because he told her to, she promptly suffers a narcoleptic fit and falls asleep. End chapter.

Chapter 9 – Target

So, Alice drops Bella off because, remember, she supposedly was having a slumber party. However, Bella reminds us that Wardo will be here soon. Bella starts whining that “all of the pretenses were starting to wear on [her]” and that she “wouldn’t miss this part of being human”.

1) Bella, from what you’ve told us, you will miss NOTHING of being human, so making a list of all of the things you WON’T miss seems rather pointless.

2) Bella, when you get turned into a vampire, you are going to be living with the Cullens. The Cullens live in the public eye. Your whole LIFE is going to be one big pretense of being human.

Charlie then tells her that she’s got a message. Turns out Jacob called, and he’s totally contrite (as if we expected him to stay angry—no, none of the beautiful people are allowed to be angry at Bella for long) and Meyer starts rankling me by having Charlie show his blatant favoritism toward Jacob again—I say Meyer, not Charlie, because this isn’t Charlie’s fault. Bella sniffs and decides that she’s going to give him the silent treatment. Charlie needles her about calling, and pretty much doesn’t give a shit that she makes it clear that they had a fight and doesn’t care who was right and who was wrong, that Bella had just better bend to the will of a Man and meekly submit and accept the apology whether it’s sincere or not.

Bella grumpily goes back upstairs and starts putting things away and then starts acting like a good little wimmin and doing the laundry. However, when she gets to her room—

—we are suddenly thrown into yet another of Meyer’s dead herrings. And this one is just so infuriating because it just DOESN’T END.

Bella notices that her pillow is missing, and then notices that her room is looking tidy. Clothes that had been strewn about were now missing, and her overflowing laundry hamper is now only half-filled. She asks if Charlie had done laundry while she was gone, and he says no, then she asks if he’d been in her room—he says no to that, too.

Then Meyer steps in and starts parading around the room with a big sign that says, “IT WAS CLEARLY ALICE.” Because, of course, Alice broke into Bella’s house and got clothes for the sleepover. Of course it’s that! And naturally, she must have tidied while she was here! Bella “[blushes] for her slovenly ways”, which just amused me, and she prances over to the hamper to get the red shirt she mentioned was missing. But it’s not in the hamper, either. And Bella just chalks it up to paranoia when she starts thinking things are missing. Can’t be that somebody came in and stole her stuff! Nope, not at all! Aaaaand it goes along that vein for about a page and a half.

So, Bella finally takes the load of laundry downstairs and starts it, and then goes back upstairs to look for the missing clothes. She’s going through her dresser when Wardo shows up and Bella goes skipping downstairs to answer the door. She throws it open, and Wardo has gone Dramatic Prairie Dog. He tells Bella to wait and then does a vampire zip through the house before dragging her into the kitchen and says that a vampire has been there. Bella immediately thinks it’s Victoria, but Wardo says he didn’t recognize the scent, but, as whoever it was didn’t touch Charlie, they were obviously just looking for Bella.

Meanwhile, Meyer continues to parade around the room with her sign, only now it reads “IT’S NOT VICTORIA”. She’s added a marching band, too.

Charlie butts in and wants to know what’s going on, and then is all pleased when he thinks they’re fighting as he goes back to the living room. Wardo immediately wants to sweep Bella from the house, but shockingly she expresses concern for Charlie. Wardo phones up Emmett and Jasper to be his bodyguards, and then he drags her out without asking Charlie about anything or even telling him where they are going, even though Wardo looked furious and Bella looked terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought and he thought they were having a fight.

Before you ask or get your hopes up—no, he never says anything about this. In fact, as far as I can tell, he pretty much forgets about it.

So, they arrive at the Cullens, and the first thing Wardo does is start bitching at Alice because this is obviously ALL HER FAULT because she didn’t See it coming. Everyone tries to tell him to stop being such a prick, and Alice coldly tells him that they’re stretching her brain in every capacity and that they’ve loaded her down with far too much to watch for, and Wardo’s response is to bitch some more and be pissy and tell her she’s basically worthless. They talk about how they don’t know who was in her room, that it wasn’t a Catholic, because Alice would’ve Seen it, and that it wasn’t Victoria, and I’m over here going yes, it was Victoria, because it’s more than obvious what is going on, but then Meyer hit me with her sign.

Wardo continues to bitch at Alice and basically blame her for everything, but the timid sound of Bella pleading with Wardo to stop being so mean to Alice causes him to give a patently insincere apology to her. They start going over the possibilities of what it could be. They immediately nix Victoria—Meyer was beating me with that sign at that point—and then start talking about how it could be the Catholics, and how they both have the motivation and resources to come looking for Bella, and that just irritates me, because Meyer basically just told me that the Catholics are now spending all their time thinking about and hating on some random human they met a few months ago.

And then they all decide that it was the Catholics checking to see if Bella was still human and that’s pretty much that. Meyer stopped hitting me with the sign, looking rather smug, and resumed her patrol.

Emmett and Jasper arrive, saying that the vamp dude was gone and had been picked up in a car, so the trail vanished. Wardo laments that it’s a shame whoever it was didn’t go the opposite direction, because “it would be nice for those dogs to make themselves useful”. All Bella does in response to that bit of racism is “wince”. Jasper says neither of them recognize the scent, either, and then Esme starts taking the peaceful route, saying that maybe whoever it was was just curious and not an enemy and was just investigating the vampire scent that was all over the town and in Bella’s house in particular. Then Meyer has her sign and her band marching in full formation across the football field:

Just curious. Like James and Victoria had been curious, in the beginning? The thought of Victoria made me tremble, though the one thing they seemed certain of was that it had not been her. Not this time. She would stick to her obsessed pattern. This was just someone else, a stranger.

It’s not Victoria, by the way. Did you all get that?

So, the Cullens discuss the theory a little, and then Bella has a flash of inspiration—hey, this is the perfect excuse to get what she wants! She immediately starts begging to be turned into a Right is White Sparkly Vampire of Eternal Beauty and Immortality under the guise of only being concerned for Charlie’s safety, because, obviously, if she gets turned into a vampire, that will save him. I mean, it’s not like anyone will immediately go to Bella’s house first to look for her. Fortunately, all of the Cullens tell her to STFU and Bella whines again because she didn’t get her way and makes it clear that she wants to be a Right is White Sparkly Vampire of Eternal Beauty and Immortality and is mad that they are and she isn’t.

Scene change!

Bella is still whining that she’s a human, and Charlie is irritatingly smug because he thinks Wardo and Bella are fighting. *slaps Meyer* Yeah, I ain’t smacking Charlie for that, I’m smacking you. Charlie then says that Jacob called again, and that he was very upset, but Bella is already caving again, and while it could be argued that that is a character point—her being unable to hold grudges—it isn’t, because it’s just her being a submissive doormat and not standing up for herself or her beliefs ever.

However, she knows the conversation might delve into talking about vampires and werewolves, so she resolves to call Jacob in the morning and heads upstairs to go to sleep.

Scene change!

Bella tells Wardo that she is going to forgive Jacob for being a jerk, and it really feels like she’s looking for permission—and Wardo feels like he’s giving it. Bella talks about how “it seemed like Edward really was over the whole anti-werewolf thing”.

Yeah. Right, Bella. We’ll see how “over” all this he really is soon enough.

So, Bella calls Jacob because she got permission to do so, Jacob answers and immediately starts begging for forgiveness when he hears who it is. Bella is all forgiving and it’s sickening, and Jacob then says he wants to make it up to her. However, Bella tells him that they really don’t have time for such nonsense. Jacob knows something is up immediately, but when Bella can’t really explain the problem, Wardo silently holds his hand out for the phone and just that simple action kind of freaked me out because he doesn’t even ask. Bella hands it over, and then goes on about how “perfectly polite” Wardo is. Well, I can see that Wardo’s new technique is working perfectly—she doesn’t suspect a thing. So, Wardo gives Jacob the skinny, asking if they’ve come across anything. We guess that it’s a no, and then Wardo calmly informs Jacob that Bella is not going to be visiting La Push any time soon because “[he] won’t be letting Bella out of [his] sight till [he] gets this taken care of”. Then he has the nerve to say that it’s “nothing personal”. AS IF, WARDO. If it was nothing personal, you wouldn’t be taking this time to inform Jacob specifically that Bella isn’t going to be allowed to visit him. Jacob, however, counters, and Wardo concedes to renegotiating something. Wardo talks about doing something alone and leaving Bella with the rest of the Cullens, and then Jacob counters with another suggestion we don’t hear and they agree to ten minutes. Wardo hands the phone back to Bella after this cryptic call.

Bella asks what the conversation was about, and Jacob asks her to try and convince Wardo that she’ll be safest on the reservation. And yes, this is yet another mark of Jacob spiraling down into the Big Furry Douche, because I think we all know the only reason he’s doing this is not for Bella’s safety, but so he can have her all to himself. Naturally, Bella doesn’t call him out on this and agrees that it would be safer for Charlie if she wasn’t in his house, and that still doesn’t make sense because that’s where her scent will lead whatever vampires are looking for her. He also says that there are going to be werewolves running around her house. He then says something in typical Hairy Stu fashion:

"I also tried to convince him to let you visit. He's prejudiced, so don't let him give you any crap about safety. He knows as well as I do that you'd be safe here."

Makes perfect sense, yes, and cuts straight to the truth. But it’s so hypocritical.

Jacob then says that he’s coming up to get the scent in his nose so everybody else will know what to sniff around for, and then Bella again says that werewolves are weak and shouldn’t try to track vampires, and Jacob tells her to stop being such a ninny and hangs up. End chapter.

Gad.

Paul Count: 0

See you guys in Chapter 10 – Scent! And keep in mind—remember that pissing contest count I started up in chapter two? Well, the next chapter is where that starts up again, and believe me, it’s back in spades.

Stinger: “"I also tried to convince him to let you visit. He's prejudiced, so don't let him give you any crap about safety. He knows as well as I do that you'd be safe here."”