The “sneaky” caregiver

The caregiver listserv I subscribe to is a place where caregivers really let their hair down. There’s quite a bit of venting of frustration, some inspirational stories and a few helpful tips too. In that last category, I recently read about how to be a “sneaky caregiver.”

By “sneaky,” the writers were referring to innocent deceptions to provide better care for their loved one without ruffling their feathers, which can be quite a challenge when the loved one has Alzheimer’s disease or dementia. Obviously, keeping the peace makes it easier for the caregiver too.

For example, one woman on the list serv caring for a husband with dementia described plotting with the doctor about addressing her husband’s stubborn insistence he get back his driver’s license. After some angry discussions at home, the woman told her husband to ask the doctor and she would go along with what the doctor said.

By prearrangement, when the husband asked about getting his license back, the doctor asked some questions and looked thoughtful as though carefully considering it, then told the husband he had to recommend that he not drive. The husband accepted the doctor’s verdict without argument, the wife was off the hook and peace returned to the home.

Other writers told of slipping notes to the doctor’s receptionist or sending a fax or e-mail to be read by the doctor before seeing their loved one. This gave the doctor needed information without raising contentious issues in the presence of a difficult loved one.

In a different context, another caregiver wrote about her infirm motherâ€“in-law adamantly refusing the services of a housekeeper. So the caregiver began bringing a “friend” on her visits to the mother-in-law. The “friend” was a housekeeper, and after the mother-in-law became fond of her, she no longer objected to having a housekeeper.

Of course, these are all benign forms of sneakiness. No one advocates keeping important medical information from a loved one, slipping them medications or pilfering their bank accounts.

In Pops’ case, I have not had to resort to sneakiness because he is realistic about his health and other serious matters and is open to honest discussion. However, I do have a small network of his friends at The Mill who will call me in confidence if, say, Pops has an episode of dizziness (he will not always tell me about every twinge he has) or if something needs attention in his apartment.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Muise

Jeff is a HealthTalk employee and a caregiver for his 90-year-old father, Robert in Woodstock, in New York’s Catskill Mountain region. He and his wife Deborah have two grown daughters, Amanda, and Molly. Jeff...read more