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Archive for May, 2009

You just took the “Who were You in a Past Life?” quiz, and the result is: “A Sixth-Century Gaulish peasant named Glerf.”

“You live in a filthy hut with dirt floors, heated by dung fires. You have no redeeming characteristics whatsoever, and died at 32 years of age, old and toothless.”

You just took the “What 1980s Sci-fi Cartoon Character are You” quiz and the result is “Ookla the Mok”

“You are a hairy, smelly humanoid who only communicates in animal grunts. Your language makes Wookie sound like the Queen’s English. Your best friends are a hot babe and a Conan wanna-be from the future.”

People try way too hard to make their life seem exciting, all the time. FACT: the vast majority of even a rock star’s life is still composed of mundane, boring events like brushing one’s teeth, eating a bagel, or working out at the gym. Constantly telling me about them does not make them more exciting (“Bryan will be at the store and is getting out of the car in five minutes! Whoopee! Hate driving in traffic!”). Sometimes, less is more.

Do not tell me when you just got up and when you’re going to bed.

I get it people, you need and drink a lot of coffee.

Some people are trying way too hard to seem intellectual.

All those stupid quizzes exist solely for the purpose of making people feel good about themselves. Every single result is basically “you’re the coolest!”

I think the Greek myth character Narcissus looks at some of these pages and thinks “holy crap, this guy is really into himself!”

When your “friend” count goes above 1000, I’m guessing we are defining “friend” rather broadly. Maybe the friend list should be subdivided: real friends, kinda friends, acquaintances I see once a month, co-workers who will be offended if I ignore their request, people from high school who I really don’t remember, etc.

I do not want to join your mafia or pirate crew, I will not take the quiz, and really, I don’t need another drink or piece of flair.

Per the above point, why don’t they have more realistic games? “Accountant Wars.” Join Bryan’s audit team and help him pull off the “inventory records” job.

There’s no way the hot babe with the “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” bar over her eyes has ever been, or will ever be, “searching for me.”

The only thing I’m going to become a fan of is ME. I’m a huge fan of myself. Want to become a fan?

OK, # 11 undercuts my snarkiness on point #6, I guess.

Stop posting pics of yourself 20 years ago as your “profile photo.”

For that matter, stop posting pics of people who aren’t actually, YOU, as your profile photo. Ditto for pics of your dog, etc. I’m the least photogenic man on the planet, and my profile pic is a self-shot with a grainy cell phone on a day I didn’t shave.

I’m probably an offender on most of the above. That’s OK, my blog, my right to be snarky and hypocritical.