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Friday, October 19, 2012

The Ten Worst Ways to End a Book

We’ve all read books that end so
perfectly we’re left in states of total bliss. The story was so good
we ache for more, but things were wrapped up so satisfyingly that we honestly
know it’s better this way.

Think of it like a fancy three
course meal. The appetizer appetized. The entrée was rich, filling, and
oh-so-delicious. And when dessert came, it was tasty, sweet and just the right
size. You’re full, but not so full your stomach might rupture.

And then there are the books that
serve you sewage for dessert.

The ending is the last impression
the reader is left with. You don’t care if the first act dropped wonderfully tantalizing
hints if the last act dumps a pile of crap on your plate. These are examples of
the types of endings that leave a sour taste in the reader’s mouth (to torture
a metaphor even further). Ones to LOOK OUT FOR if you’re a reader, and ones to
avoid if you’re a writer on Pain of Death.

1.The
Everybody Dies Ending

I suppose some people find this
one deeply literary or meaningful. I call it offensively manipulative and a
total cop-out. It’s a cheap and often pretentious ploy that only worked when
Shakespeare did it, and even then I thought it was a bit much.

He will grow up to write really depressing novels.

2.The
Deus Ex Machina Ending

The bane of my existence. For
those of you who don’t know, deus ex machine
is, to quote Wikipedia, “a plot device
whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly solved with the
contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability, or
object. It can be roughly translated as ‘God made it happen,’ with no further
explanation, and, depending on usage, is primarily used to move the story
forward when the writer has "painted himself into a corner" and sees
no other way out”.

Basically, the resolution does not
come from the characters. It is not inherent in the story, set up from the
beginning, arising from the painful development the main character has
undergone. No. A great force pops out of the sky, waves a magic wand, and POOF!
Things are all better! I’m looking at you, Aslan (aka the Deux ex Lion)

3.The
Rainbows and Puppies Ending

This basically means that
everybody lives happily ever after. To me, it’s preferable to the Everybody
Dies ending, only because it doesn’t severely bum me out. But this chosen
resolution is both immature an unrealistic. Life is messier than this. There
are consequences even when you achieve your goals. I like when the author
chooses not to tie up every thread with a pretty pink bow.

KEEP READING! There is Ryan Gosling after the jump.

4.The “Where
the heck did that come from?!” Ending

The totally out-of-left-field, not set up,
doesn’t belong, holy-God-the-book-just-jumped-off-a-cliff ending. Sometimes
these are AWESOME. Sometimes the twist ending is a brilliant development purely
BECAUSE you didn’t see it coming.

I had a writing teacher who liked
to compare reading a book to buying a train ticket. Let’s say you buy the
ticket expecting a journey from Los Angeles to San Francisco. You don’t care
what track the author takes, as long as you are still heading up to San Fran.
But sometimes the author can have a flash of brilliance and shoot you over to
Las Vegas and you go, “WOW, Las Vegas is totally better than San Francisco and
I don’t miss San Fran at all!” Or you can arrive in Las Vegas and realize it is
gaudy and the air is dry and you were really hoping for a stroll on Fisherman’s
Wharf (this post is brought to you by Tortured Metaphors!)

Enough with the metaphors.

5.The Convenient
Ending

“Oh crap, I’m in a completely
impossible situation that I can’t get out of. The bad guys are bearing down on
me, trying to kill me, and I am utterly defenseless. Hey wait a second. What’s
this loaded gun doing here on the ground?! My, how convenient! I’ll just shoot
the bad guy dead and win the day!”

It's terribly convenient how God just sucked the bad guy right out of my path.

"It's also terribly convenient that I was born with the innate ability to cause all mean people to break out in hives." Basically, the convenient coincidence gosh-that-was-lucky ending is BAD.

6.The
Off-Tone Ending

The one that immediately comes to
mind for me is Crime and Punishment
(very long, very dour, full of murderous, religious Russians who worry about
Jesus a LOT. Proceed with caution). It’s obviously quite a thoughtful and
melancholy book (there are no happy Russian novels). So why is that epilogue
all full of hope? The main character is literally SPOILER SPOILER in a Siberian
prison. He’s spent the last million pages being all morose and kind of a drag.
Yet now he’s all smiley and thinking about his twue wuv incessantly. It doesn’t
fit.

7.The
Way Too Soon Ending

This one’s pretty self-evident.
You’re getting totally into the book, things are coming to a point, the stakes
are higher than ever, there is SO MUCH TENSION… and that’s where it ends.
Things are unresolved. You have a case of literary blue balls.

8.The
Way Too Long Ending

Things gets resolved, but then the
action keeps going. The conflict is over, but still there are words on the
page. This is toxic. This is the author’s inability to exit the arena once the
concert is over (METAPHORS!!). Authors get so in love with their characters and
their worlds that it’s understandable not to want to leave them. You know all
the things that happen after the final plot point, and you want to show the
reader. Sometimes we as readers don’t want to leave either, and are willing to
gobble up as many after-desserts as you’re willing to offer. But enough is
enough.

Can we just move this along already?

9.The “It
was all a dream!” Ending

This is the equivalent of saying “PSYCH!
Those last 300 pages you just spent hours of your life paying attention to? Completely
unimportant. The author has not only pulled the rug out from under you, he’s
pulled the whole house. You’re actually on a boat.

This is the type of ending that
makes me all CAPSY and cross and I end up throwing the book across the room
(unless it’s a Kindle, obviously, because that thing cost me $79).

10.The Meaningless Ending/ The Non-Ending

This is a combo of the ending that
just sort of peters out into nothing, and the ending that happens, but doesn’t
actually mean anything. Either the
characters haven’t developed towards this ending, or this ending doesn’t
continue to affect them in anyway. It doesn’t hit home the themes. It’s the
equivalent of being served flavorless pudding for dessert. Bleh.

This is what how bad endings make me feel. Withered, hairless, and lacking a decent command of grammar.

And with that, I end my extended
Metaphor Abuse and turn it over to you. What type of endings do you hate? What
types do you love? Are there any points I made that you disagree with (rare,
but it happens)?

How I see the difference is the Deus Ex Machina is an external force coming in and fixing the problem. Think of the Narnia books, or better yet, the Prince Caspian movie. Aslan shows up, roars, and a big water demon bursts out of the river and ends the battle. For me, the convenient ending would be if one of the bad guys conveniently had a heart attack or something. They do sort of go hand in hand.

I think other examples of the Convenient Ending is, like, when you just happen to run into the one person in the world who can reveal the necessary secrets, or you just happen to have been living in the one house in the world that is the portal to such and such, purely by coincidence. Or like in Twilight, when it turns out that James, the bad vamp who wants to kill Bella (I was rooting for him)just HAPPENS to be the same vamp who tried to kill Alice. Now, Alice's history had been a puzzle for almost a hundred years, but Bella just HAPPENED to solve it just be existing. Good one, Bella. Pure coinkydink.

I agree with all of these. Especially the "It was all a dream!" ending. I hate it when author's don't put enough effort into the ending. That's the most important part to me as a reader because that's what I'm left with the second I close the book.

I'm kind of in love with this post (by 'kind of', i mean 'entirely'). There are so many HORRIBLE ways to end a book, it's a wonder any author can get it right! The WORST is the convenient ending, where all is horrible theres no hope left--except WAIT SUDDENLY I DO REMEMBER HOW TO SHOOT AN ARROW MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE BUT THE BLOW TO THE HEAD TOOK AWAY THAT MEMORY BUT NOW WITH THE ADRENALINE RUSH I REMEMBER DIE BAD GUY DIE!! It just makes me shake my head at the book/screen.

Ryan Gosling GIF. Awesome even if he is covering his beautiful face in it.Also, literary blue balls. I LOL'ed in real life.

I have a confession to make. I really like books/movies where everyone dies at the end. Now, this is probably because I'm morbid BUT I like to pretend it's because it leaves absolutely no loose ends. This is the end. Everyone is dead, absolutely nothing of interest could possibly happen in this story after this point. Not that I'm arguing for EVERYTHING ending with everyone dead. That would be awful. (Though I'd be interested in how the fanfic communities coped).

The One Where Everyone Dies at the End is probably the least offensive ending on the list. At least it IS an ending. It's a stylistic choice, and it can be meaningful, depending on the skill of the author and the quality of the story (see: all of Shakespeare's tragedies). My issue with that ending is when it's done just to be done. Also because I'm the sort of person who cries in almost every single movie I watch, so the Everybody Dies endings tend to destroy me.