Just Ask Alice

DEAR ALICE: Do you think we should help Afghanistan draft a new constitution?

—WONDERING IN WILMOT

DEAR WOND: Heavens no. I think we should just give them our Constitution to use. It was written by some very intelligent guys and has worked pretty darned well for over 200 years. And besides, we’re not using it much anymore.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: Why is it illegal to post the Ten Commandments in the courthouse?

—SILVARA STUDENT

DEAR SIL: It’s because you cannot post something that reads: “Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians.” It would create a hostile work environment.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I understand that you’ve been married for quite a few years. Do you and your husband still argue?

—HERRICK HOMEMAKER

DEAR HERR: You bet we do. Just last Saturday night we had a real doozy that started when I asked my husband Tyson what was on TV and his reply was “dust.”

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: I heard that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told the UN recently that the 9-11 attacks were masterminded by the United States and not Al Queda. Did he really say that?

—CONFUSED IN CAMPTOWN

DEAR CONF: Yep, that’s what “Ima-nut-job” told the UN. He also told them the Beatles are really Iranians, Mickey Mouse invented the Polio Vaccine and Geraldo Rivera is Irish. By the way, Iranian officials are wondering why their president still hasn’t returned home. Word has it he was arrested and detained after he was found hiking in New Jersey.

—ALICE

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DEAR ALICE: What do you think will be the top news stories of 2011?

—NEWS HOUND, NEW ALBANY

DEAR NEW: In my opinion it will be the killing of bin Laden, the toppling of Gaddafi, and ABC firing Regis Philbin.

—ALICE

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CONFIDENTIAL TO WORRIED IN WYALUSING: Watching the petty bickering between Democrats and Republicans over the skyrocketing national debt is like watching two drunks argue over the bar bill on the Titanic.