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Marriage, and matters of the 'Islamic' heart

(This is a two-part series — part 2 of which explores matters of the 'Islamic' heart.)

‘Your Lord has not
forsaken you, nor has He become displeased,’ Surah ad-Dhuha’ (93:3) —
although on the long and weary journey that can occasionally become the search
for an Allah-and-Ahlul Bayt-loving spouse, it may, at times, feel otherwise.

Whether it is spiritual disparity
at play or interpersonal dynamics that are at odds, difference in ideology or a
lack of mutual attraction, even logistical, cultural or financial limitations,
each (possible) reason for a prospect falling through can ultimately serve
quite a blow to the unmarried, divorced, or widowed ‘self.’ Especially (albeit
ahead of schedule) when the heart has grown a little too fond, given spousal
comfort a little too much face, and carved out a little too much household
haven, does the patience really begin to wear thin.

The ‘Islamic’ heart

After all, ‘…man(kind) is created weak,’ as stated explicitly in
Surah an-Nisaa’ (4:28). And so what if the strength of our faith keeps our
bodies and minds in religious check, is even the ‘Islamic’ heart not ultimately
capable of the same failing? Surely does Allah know best, but it can take quite
some time and quite the effort to shake off one’s penchant for fallibility — for
the crushing of hope churns grief, and all heartbreak must run its course.

Fundamental in this verse,
however, is perhaps not its latter half, but the very beginning, for ‘Allah
desires that He should make light your burdens.’ Cementing which further on, in
verse 122 of the same chapter, ‘Allah’s promise is the truth, and whose word
can be truer than Allah’s?’ Each of these jewels from our Lord, are in fact, a clear
instruction to place all our trust in Him, and Him alone.

With all this guarantee, a
Lord that is just, and belief that is unwavering, why then does contentment
still seem so far away a place?

If there is as much
promise of ease as there is of hardship, and (in fact) as much promise of ease after hardship — ‘And surely what comes
after is better for you than that which has gone before,’ Surah ad-Dhuha’ (93:4)
— why then, at times, does the heart feel so frail, does the body feel so
brittle, do the tears flow so wanton, in this particular period of anticipation?

The fault in our intention

Perhaps, as a result (in
enough cases) of an attempt to craft mutual harmony where it may not necessarily
exist, just so that our marital goal is eventually met. Be it the desire to
gain nearness to Allah, love and companionship, the yearning for parenthood, carnal
appetite, a combination of these, or whatever else the reason for persevering
in this search for a spouse, somewhere along the way, we lose sight of remaining
mindful of the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate.

And therein lies the fault
in our intention. Effort is contentment; effort is not coveting — coveting
leads to unrest. And the moment covetousness gets into the picture, begins the decline
of complete reliance on Allah.

As quoted in Misbah al-Shariah (s. 15, p. 67), the
Holy Prophet said, ‘A covetous man is bereft; yet in spite of his deprivation,
he is blamed wherever he is.’ On which Imam Ja’far al-Sadiq expands, ‘The one
who trusts in Allah spends morning and evening in His protection and
well-being. Allah has hastened for him what suffices him, and prepared for him
things which only Allah knows,’ and furthermore, ‘When the slave is not bereft of certainty, he is not covetous.
Certainty is the earth of Islam and the heaven of eeman (faith).’

Secondly, even in matters
of the ‘Islamic’ heart, we attempt to appease the soul in much the same way, as
if it were not the sacred union of marriage (on which, ever so largely, banks
our Hereafter) a source of distress, but something ordinarily worldly. How
could we possibly hope for respite in matters of the Hereafter using means that
pertain merely to this world?

Speaking strictly atoms and
molecules, matter (in the fullness of time) is all the same — a concept likewise
applicable to just about any (worldly) pleasure. And as it can all very well be
turned into a means of ‘fleeing from pain,’ no rose-coloured amount of travel
or gluttony or decadence or romantic comedy will provide us the contentment
that ultimately lies in fulfilling our obligation to Allah.

Responsibility, in spite of our tabee’ah

An excellent explanation of
our animal-like instinct (‘how we are constantly searching for pleasure or
fleeing from pain or fighting for survival’), also known as tabee’ah, which serves as the cause for
this condition, can be found in Khalil Jaffer’s lecture series on freeing the
butterfly within (available on YouTube).

Ours is a culture of
perpetual satiation, which is primarily what leads to our social conditioning
into such constructs. But meanwhile, was our duty to our Lord, before (or even
during) the fleeting presence of this or that person in our life, any different
than it is now? Surely, there is no greater injustice that we can do our own soul
than by giving our ‘self’ a status greater than Allah, even if, in a state of utter
devastation.

Sometimes, as a result of
this very tabee’ah, we are unable to
truly inwardly trust Allah in the manner that has been prescribed by the Ahlul
Bayt (another matter entirely, and best left for another discourse); but not
for a moment does that change our responsibility towards Him — amend that which
we owe Him.

Not for a moment does that
allow us the room to divert our attention from the needs of a child (if one is
in the picture), an elderly parent, a relative or neighbour who has taken ill,
a brother or sister in faith struggling spiritually, a community in turmoil,
and so on — all of which are as important as the obligatory actions of prayer, keeping
fast, paying khums, and so forth.

In pairs

As of 2009, lovers of the
Ahlul Bayt constitute 10-13 percent of the world's (more than) 300-million-wide
Muslim population, according to an analysis conducted by the Pew Research Centre. In light of which, ‘and We have
created you in pairs,’ Surah an-Nabaa (78:8), albeit a verse of various significances,
just might provide some calm — for surely, is 10-13 percent of 300 million in
no way a trivial number, thereby rendering far more chances (than not) of someday
meeting the right person.

Proactively seeking
marriage is one thing — letting the intention take over (entirely) one’s spiritual,
mental, and physical well-being, a whole other ballgame. Maintaining a clear view
on the distinction between these two is crucial to our remaining mindful of complete
reliance on the All-Aware, the Just, at all times.And so, my dear sisters
and brothers, ‘seek (Allah’s) help with patient perseverance and prayer: It is
indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit, who bear in mind the
certainty that they are to meet their Lord, and that they are to return to
Him,’ Surah al-Baqara (2:45-46).