Bike Snob NYC

Let’s Get Baronial

And never speak of epic rides again

bike snob nyc

(Photo by Leo Espinosa)

“Epic.”

It’s a word that’s overused in cycling—employed to describe everything from rides to fails to burritos. It’s gotten to the point where I cringe every time I hear it. Still, as cyclists, we cannot resist the “epic” ride’s inexorable pull. Unlike shorter, violently fast group rides and races, which can start to chip away at your soul, the occasional outsized adventure can be as enlivening as it is exhausting.

So what’s the alternative? Merriam-Webster defines “epic” as “beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope,” and in that respect the word fits. Once in awhile you have to tack on that gratuitous 20 miles, go out of your way to hit that stupidly hard climb, or ride in adverse weather just to remind yourself that you’re alive.

And of course there’s also the “accidental epic”—you know, those rides where you get lost, find yourself riding up a live volcano, and have to defend yourself with nothing but a mini pump against an attacking wildebeest. (Hint: A short burst of air in either ear will give the great mammal the “willies,” causing it to beat a hasty retreat.) What are you going to call a day like that when you’re telling the story to your friends? “Epic,” that’s what.

Still, I’d prefer to swap it out for a term that’s a little bit less like a plastic saddle and a little bit more like a Brooks. Also, what good is being the sort of person who rides a custom steel bicycle with a leather saddle if you’re still using off-the-rack bike slang like “epic?”

Ooh! Actually, I like all of them—especially “baronial.” Really, in a perfect world, all rides would be baronial, and we’d be a bunch of nobles flying our Fredly spandex flags across the countryside.

The problem is that “baronial” doesn’t allow for the accidental factor. Let’s say it starts snowing halfway through your 110-mile ride and you have to stop and thaw your fingers in a car’s exhaust pipe. You can call that “epic,” but you can’t call it “baronial”— or “proud,” or especially not “splendid.” It just doesn’t work.

Actually, most of the other synonyms lack the versatility of “epic” as well—with the possible exception of “grandiose.”

On the negative side, grandiose has three syllables to epic’s two. This adds at least three extra grams to the word, so it’s not going to appeal to weight weenies. On the positive side, “grandiose” implies that the ride was a bit pompous and pretentious— which, to be honest, most epic rides are.

Consider, for example, your typical premeditated, non-accidental epic, before which you’ve done some if not all of the following:
• Mounted new tires, cassette, chain, and bar tape (not for performance gains, but because they’re shiny)
• Shirked your professional and familial responsibilities in order to “train”
• Depilated and embrocated your legs
• Applied chamois cream as fine as the gifts borne by the Magi

It all sounds pretty grandiose to me.

And then there’s the endeavor itself. If you do it right, you'll return with tales of climbs surmounted, streams forded, and mechanicals repaired. It will be a story of triumph over adversity and man versus nature—in other words, a narrative of almost pathological grandiosity.

There is one last problem though, which is that “grandiose” doesn’t work well as a noun. You can say you’re planning an “epic,” but you wouldn’t say you’re putting together a “grandiosity.” You could shorten it to “grandie,” but then someone might think you’re going on some kind of miniature gran fondo, which is arguably the opposite of an “epic.” Or you could say, “Would you please join me for some cycling grandiosity?” but that’s just cumbersome.