Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkeyAlan: This saying also has roots in fact in India. The "Monkey" or brass plate to hold cannon balls was used in some on the barracks that were in colder parts of the continent, When the temperature dropped, the contracting metals would cause the pile to fall.

Definition from Lawson Tremellen: On war ships the cannon balls were of iron and the plate they were stacked on beside the cannon was made of brass, the plate was known as a monkey. In extreme cold the two metals would contract differently and the iron balls would fall off the monkey.

The Black Market:In medieval England there were nomadic mercenaries who wandered the country side and would sell their services to the highest bidder. These were hardened fighters who lived solitary lives in the wilderness. They did not have the luxury of servants to polish their armor and it would oxidize to a blackish hue, and they came to be known as black knights. At local town festivals they would have exhibition jousting matches in which the winner of the fight would win the loser's weapons and armor. The local gentry, softened by the good life, would lose to these black knights. The nomadic knights didn't have much use for an extra set of armor and would sell it back to them immediately after the fight. The losing nobility would be forced to buy back their armor and this after market came to be known as the "Black Market"

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains upon those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out;
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That’s what it’s all about!

SHAKESPEARE’S VERSION:

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven’s yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke — banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, ’tis what it’s all about.

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
Frosting
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the @#$$ teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.

In the mixing bowl put butter, 200g cut thin,
then soft brown sugar from our sugar tin.
Now you take white sugar and you cream to a paste
200g of each of them gets that great taste.
2 beaten eggs are next, gradually you add them,
mixing well the whole time 'til your arms are achin'.
Make sure it's all creamy smooth, 'cos that will guarantee their
Success - any expert would agree there.

Teaspoon of baking powder, 5 drops Vanilla Essence.
Now fold in the flour, 600g (or maybe up to 7).
Oh yeah! And half a teaspoon of salt, I just remembered.
The combination tastes really quite intense.
Two bars of plain choc-olate in little pieces
And you stir them in briefly - the gorgeous smell increases….
Once it's all done transfer the dough into a sealed container.
Now you can lick the bowl and put it on the drainer.

The dough needs to chill inside the fridge a day and night.
'cos what you want is bite, and they'll get that alright.
I'm off to have a nice day now, spend the night at play -
Tomorrow will be judgement day!
You heat up the oven to hundred and eighty C
Baking paper's good; now the dough will have to be
rolled into little balls and spread out by hand -
Mind-e the gap, 'cos these babies expand.

Bake on the middle rack ten, fifteen mins or so;
Time enough for dishes; get some coffee on the go.
Open up, get them out; this moment is so rare:
The instant of completion, loved by artists everywhere.
And if by some bad luck I end up with some burnt ones
I'll send them to my Grandma; the best behaved of Grandsons,
and save the best ones for my love to try.
P.S. the ingredients can be fun to modify.

Teacher: "What is the climate of New Zealand?"
Matthew: "Very cold, Sir."
Teacher: "Wrong."
Matthew: "But, Sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen."

"Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven," said the Sunday School teacher.
Everyone put their hands up except Kenneth.
"Don't you want to Heaven, Kenneth?"
"I can't, Miss," said Kenneth. "My mum told me to come straight home."

Helen: "Let's play school."
Ellen: "O.K. But let's play I'm absent."

Sally: Are you going to Tom's party?
Jane: No. I ain't going.
Sally: Now you know what our teacher told us. Not "ain't". It's "I am not going, he is not going, she is not going, they are not going."
Jane: Dear me, nobody ain't going.

Teacher: "Can you tell me about the Dead Sea?"
Johnny: "I didn't even know it was ill."