Saying No to Zombies

It’s Monday Mayhem and you know what that means—yep, zombies running amok making life miserable for all humanity.

Large Urban Area

If you’ve read my Zombie Apocalypse: Ground Zero post last week, I wrote how I believed if a zombie apocalypse were take place it would happen in a large urban area. Some have commented that it would be more difficult to detect the event in a rural area instead, thus a challenge to contain.

Regardless of where it happens, we’d still have to find ways to defend ourselves. In my post Zombie Kill of the Week, I wrote a detailed list of how I’d like to see zombies killed. As amusing as it was writing that post, some truth remains: If a zombie were to enter our house, what would we do? It’s fun saying we’d love to jam an ice pick in the soft part of its temple but if we didn’t have an ice pick, it ain’t goin’ die by lookin’ at the thing and screamin’. That’s a fact.

So, what are we to do? What would you do?

Here are a few tips you can use in the event the world collapses and the zombies begin knocking on your door.

Typical Front Door

Do not open the door. Simple, right? Wrong. Those resilient maggot bags will stop at nothing if they hear life creaking inside your house. Don’t assume they’ll show up in the middle of the day either. Expect the unexpected. They can appear anytime. If you have a snorer in the house, lock ‘em in a windowless room in the basement. You don’t need those miserable gut suckers chomping on anyone in your household at three in the morning. Bar all the doors with deadbolts and chairs. Board up your windows and make only one door your access point. Dictate which door they can use.

Keep weapons handy. If zombies make it into the house, let their first greeting be a bullet to the head. Nothing says hello like a .357 Magnum. Be careful though, a gunshot will alert the others and instead of fending off one, you’ll have to deal with a whole neighborhood full of scab festerers. That’s why it would be a good idea to keep an assortment of garden tools interspersed throughout the house. A shovel can perform the duel role of cracking skulls and burying the remains. A hoe can function in a similar manner. Again, always think of the multiple uses for these tools. Now let’s say one of these brain eaters chases you around the house. What are you going to do? Sporting equipment works good too. Wouldn’t it be a relief to know at the end of a hall you can grab a baseball bat and beat the living tar out of these zombies? There’s nothing like hearing the crack of a Louisville Slugger upside the head of an undead.

Plan an escape route. If worse comes to worse and the whole house gets overrun with those walking fly heaps, the next and best course of action is to—RUN! Don’t stick around. Don’t even look back. You cannot afford to stay in the house any longer. Take what you can carry and head for the hills. Your life depends on it. If you’d planned ahead, you would have left a loose bottom board to one of the ground floor windows to make it easy for you to kick in and crawl through. Better still, you could have rigged the whole house to explode with you and your family safely halfway to the woods. This would ensure the zombies would remain in the house and you wouldn’t have to worry about stragglers chasing you.

Prepare a secondary home. As with any plan there should always be a Plan B. If something should happen to your primary residence, it would be beneficial to have a secondary residence in mind to act as your temporary home. This could be anything from a barn, a tent in the woods to a shed. Anything that will function as a place where you can lay your head without worrying if you’ll still have a head by morning.

These are only a few tips to keep those vermin beasts at bay while you plan your escape for the coast and hop on a boat for the nearest island away from it all.

What are your plans for the zombie apocalypse? Have you figured out an escape route? Will you be heading to an island somewhere in the Caribbean?

I live in an apartment so I only have the front door, patio door and two windows. No basement to hide in or try to escape from. I do however have an aluminium baseball bat in the front closet. I have plenty of plants I can hit the zombies in the head with, but alas, no gun. I have a feeling I would be one of the first people to fall prey to the walkers. I’ll have to work on my plan a little more.

oddly enough, and perhaps my therapist would up my medication if he knew i did this, but every building i walk into, work in, live in, etc, i usually have a plan worked out if “it” hit the fan. i look at possible weapons, entry points, exit points, barricades, safe rooms, supplies, etc.
i think if it really happened…i would probably just fill my pants. but it’s a nice thought

I’m old-school zombie. They have to drag, thrash, ooze and expel. The idea of a super-enhanced-seventeenth-generation-combat zombie is illogical to me. How is that realistically possible? Zombies by nature are the walking dead, so the natural inclination, since rigor mortis sets in soon after death, is they slowly stiffen, which in turn would prevent them from leaping thirty meters into the air or pounding a car into a square piece of junk. Wherever that idea came from, as entertaining as it is, seems far-fetched for a zombie lover! But, I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to have one of these guys in a book.

Jack Flacco was an author and expert in the field of zombie folklore before God called him into a ministry of reconciliation. He now preaches a message of repentance and forgiveness, offering hope to those looking to improve their relationship with others through faith in Christ Jesus.