It must be awful having to go along with the JWs. I think it's good that they visit people but you have to suffer their narrow view of life. A genuinely caring person looks for nothing in return. The visit would be a 'gift' with no strings attached. They visit in the hope that they will convert you.

In his book the Dalai lama said that he'd probably come back as this chap who's high up amongst the Buddhists. Given he eats meat I think he could well come back as a bullock and end up going to the abbatoir!

In tthe '50s an American got a pair of Syrian hamsters, bred them and took them to America. All Syrian hamsters come from this pair. I foolishly got one. They have to live alone as they fight each other. The poor soul wants to live in the desert and spends her time biting at the latch in the hope of escape. And so it is that as I type I can hear her happily chewing through God knows what behind a cupboard in the bedroom. My husband always said it's wrong to have caged animals. I think I agree with him.

That's good your brother in law is coming. Does he live in Japan?

I hope that your next supply of meds is correct. It must have been sickening when he spent all that money.

I try not to feel sorry for myself but just when I think things can't get worse, they do.

My character witness didn't show up to court, scared no doubt, which was not good for me. At least my lawyer was able to get the judge to sign a court order allowing me to see psychiatrist 2 days later. This guy I don't like, the nice lady psychiatrist spotted me in the waiting room and said she wanted to see me too. Not surprisingly, she changed the obstructions of the first guy which I had no intention of following anyway. He wanted me to start new AD at maximum dose which is something you don't do. she said stay on average dose a month then increase.

My brother in law visited today and told me my mother had died earlier this year. I'd guessed but even so I was very distraught. Shed been very depressed for no apparent reason and basically wasted away before the eyes of my twin autistic brothers who were so conditioned to following orders from her that they couldn't take the initiative and intervene. I also found out my 2nd sister had separated from her husband of nearly 20 years.

To get my mind off it I chatted far more than usual with other people. The new American is being treated abominably by another foreigner, my Danish cellmate still has a lot of fight inside him and will help out.

The original Japanese JW is coming here tomorrow, I cant stand him either but he'll bring my medications from Japan.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. You had guessed but it must still be a shock. Our mothers give us something that is unique I think. My Mum is well and I have faced very little bereavement.

There are lots of stupid psychiatrists. In mental illness I have often felt that I could teach the worker a thing or two. Obviously I don't know all the answers but having lived with it for so very long I am an expert when it comes to me. I requested counseling from a charity not long ago. I have an initial consultation on Monday. I don't know how long their waiting list is. Truthfully I don't know what I want to discuss. I want to manage my anxiety and so lessen the distress. But maybe that's not possible.

The poor American. He must be very scared. Did you say he hadn't done much wrong? Have you always known how to look after yourself. I am presuming here so please excuse me. I think you had a strict middle class education that gave you coping skills. A sort oof.' Dunkirk spirit' .

These JWs, they give with one hand and take with another. It's hard to see God's love in them. Fear of God is their creed

Thanks for your comforting words. My mother was very Catholic and a good woman at heart, raising 7 children was no mean feat.

It will be interesting to see what kind of counseling you get.Hopefully someone well read and empathetic.

Ive only ever dealt with 1 psychiatrist in the UK who was good when he was listening. He made one awful mistake with me which caused a lot of unnecessary suffering, having me come off benzos cold turkey, I was taking a huge dose at the time.

I've seen a lot of psychiatrist in Japan. The 2 women ones were excellent, the males totally useless. Same here where I am now.

Today was the JW Friday meeting. The original Japanese guy brought my meds from Japan, he's reliable that way. I couldn't attend their meeting because brother in law was visiting again. I wouldn't have attended anyway. I have tried to like them but just can't. Humble, unassuming, honest, many good qualities but they lack human understanding. They are a well organised cult. Women are not allowed to take any positions of authority, as in the first century AD. Reading St. Peter's sexist remarks may have been fine 2000 years ago but times have changed. I also don't trust their translation of the Bible. Changing the word God to Jehovah is fine but it's the other stuff. Jesus couldn't have been nailed to a cross because it's originally a pagan symbol. So "nailed to a stake" comes up a lot etc. etc.

It's hard to forgive the other idiot for wasting so much money getting my meds. I even have him an empty packet of the cheap generics. I feel like yelling him he should pay over and above what he should have done He's back in Japan right now.

I have had over 2 weeks of good mood so I feel more positive about my dose. I amazed myself by going for a 15 minute run yesterday. I haven't run for years and it was a struggle. I don't know if I will go again. I used to love running but this made me feel quite low. I only went because I need to increase my metabolic rate so my weight behaves and I don't need to buy new clothes.

It's such a shame that there is no other denomination that visits. C of E, Catholics etc could all add a lot to your week. Do you think it's more to do with getting converts than caring for others.

This morning I have an 'interview' for counseling. It's a charitable Christian organisation. They don't charge but ask that you contribute what you. can. The counselling doesn't relate to religion unless you want it to. Tbh I don't know of any counselling that can help me. I've been for so much. I think I'm always looking for a way of coping that makes it manageable. Probably I do manage it better than I think but if I can get a bit of. benefit it'll be worth it.