[Editors note, by A. Rightmann. Now that it's back to school time, I thought it would be good to warn parents of some of the temptations of college life. Please use this piece as a springboard for a discussion on the dangers which lurk on the internet.]

In observing the youth of today attending America's colleges, I have discovered an extremely alarming trend. It should come as no surprise to any of today's responsible parents that The Internet is a more prominent tool in education. What is of great concern to me and others is the combination of The Internet, Pornography, and Masturbation.
The son of a good friend of mine recently was sent away to live at college and enlighten himself with a solid higher education. What my friend did not anticipate was the defilement of his son's mind through The Internet. Exposure to Pornography, and hence Masturbation have all but reduced his son to a mome.

Today's large Universities have access to high speed Internet. Their high speed modem T3's, T6's, and T12's offer our young instant access to some of the great cultural works of mankind. They include priceless works of art by Michelangelo to the great philosophic scripts of Socrates. The opportunity of such enlightened thought exposed to our great works offers us only further achievements of mankind. However, the soft underbelly of The Internet also exposes our best and brightest youth to vast amounts of mind rotting Pornography. As one could imagine, chronic Masturbation to everything from Britney Spears to Japanese Pornography (See Bukkake) has since sent him on a spiral of mental deterioration.

Warning: This story contains actual excerpts from a corrupted college student's writings

To protect the individual's son, I will refer to him as "Lasko" from this point forth. Lasko was an extremely bright young boy who played with my son (who we will refer to as "Schlomo") quite frequently. It always amazed me at the capacity they had. From writing his own poetry to a natural intuition on nature, and a straight A academic career, it appeared that Lasko was a good influence on Schlomo. One could not imagine the shock that I received when I learned of the drastic changes that Lasko had gone through at college.

While reading my son's email (like all parents should do), I discovered that Schlomo had maintained a regular correspondence with Lasko. At first I was pleased to see that Schlomo would get a glimpse of the treasures one can gain in academia, but I was startled at the content of their communication. I must warn you now, what follows is not for the faint of heart. It contains strong messages of fecalphilia, as well as elements of public anxiety and Oedipus Complex.

The following was sent to Schlomo's email AOL account (which is protected with AOL internet filter features). It was titled "Good Story".

this story is all about the time you shit your pants and your mom told everyone about it

one day, while at the mall, you and your mom were shopping for enema kits and vaseline, when suddenly a horrendous stench came from you. a sloppy brown, wet mess soon erupted and was plainly visible in the seat of your pants. you tried not to cringe as the warm, mushy mess oozed down your leg and stuck at the back of your knees. your mom, who was browsing the vaginal care kits immediately smelled your stench and asked you what you had just done. embarassed and shameful, you did not look her in the eye when you told her that you had done nothing. because you had indeed done something. you shit your pants, and it was horrible, because you were 17 and you knew better. then your mother looked at you with the most despicable look in her eye, a cold stare of hatred, and unexpectedly began to pat the seat of your pants with her hand, screaming, "ooh, give me some of that, i want it, where is it? where is your poop? your big smelly poop? i want to feel it squish between my fingers! can i have it", as she violently spanked and grabbed at your rear end. your face reddened to hues reminiscent of stop lights and tomatoes as passersby stopped and stared at you in your misery. your mother, feigning pride, shouted, "this is my child! my very talented child just shit its pants, can you believe it! I am so proud of it! the smell, the delicious smell! i am this child's mother!"

Besides a blatant disregard for grammar, spelling, decency, and intelligence, this email struck me at my very foundation as it began to involve my wife. I can only hope that Lasko hasn't written stories detailing her more feminine features. At once I blocked Schlomo's AOL account receiving messages from Lasko. I fully trust the solid security of AOL as they are parents too with children. I'm sure they would be glad to know they are helping to protect my 18 year old Schlomo from such corruptive sources.

However, that's just the tip of the iceberg. With the advancements of today's technology and a few wholesome people, we can protect our young with better tools than blocking email. Below are a few of the ways we can start:

1) I propose that the US Government start with the abolishment of all Lunix computers. It is a well known fact that hackers are the driving force of the evil zones of The Internet. While the government is allowing the states and people to sue Microsoft right and left, we should embrace the wholesome goodness they possess. With good American Microsoft operating systems we can turn off the evil Internet zones that defile our children's minds.

2) Internet chaperones should be put into place at our University Internet stations. With an economy that is slowing we need to create more jobs for our working class. A great number could be employed by having them sit with sessions of 2-6 students while they browse The Internet. This could stop emails such as the one above from proliferating.

3) Turn The Internet off between 10:00 pm and 7:00 am. While it will be difficult to compensate for time zone changes, I'm sure the brilliant programmers at Microsoft can figure out a way to do this. An Internet curfew such as this would keep our young from perusing The Internet at late hours when over 60% of pornography is downloaded from zones like Lunix and Napster.

These are just a few places where we can start, and I'm sure that other readers here have ideas of their own. Please respond with those as well so we can formulate a way to stop the evil zones of The Internet!

There are also a number of children who don't attend a university in the school year immediately following their high school graduation. Financial concerns are the primary reason for this. I think it is important that we do not forget this particular demographic as they may be in a position to influence their peers.

These children will enter the job market and their employer may provide them with high speed internet access. Any decent company will, of course, filter the internet of the multitude of filth it contains, but the hacker community has seen fit to attack this filtering as it often does with ideas that make good sense. I am of course referring to Loophole, so popular that it is advertised on some of the internet's most popular geek hiding places.

I expect that Microsoft will take steps to prevent the above hack from working. In the meantime I think it would be beneficial to society as a whole to educate employers of the danger that these Open Source hackers present to the integrity of their work force.

and the odds of a high school graduate being given a cushy tech job with high speed internet access are slim. Being able to install Lunix and get Apache running are no longer the keys to a high paid job, thankfully economic reality has reared it's head.

As anyone with at least basic networking experience can confirm, if you have any kind of connection out, you can tunnel any other kind of connection through it.

I seen full-scale TCP/IP communication channels implemented over ICMP, over DNS queries, I even heard about an ad-hoc tunnel built over AOL IM messages.

...and so simple trick as a SSL SOCKS proxy is overpriced for $40. Though it is a neat way how to tunnel connections over potentially hostile network - ie, you can have your email in some free country and not worry about Carnivore. (Or DCS-1000, or how that Windows version of tcpdump is called now.)

In the good old times before ADSL and cable came, I remember it was pretty easy to find a decent translation of Socrates' scripts, even in Spanish. Now everything has changed. Those awful hippies using illegal operating systems like GNU Linus have taken control over any decent domain name and there are no good philosophy websites left on the whole internet. Someone out there should really take care of this situation, maybe the Government or Microsoft. Please don't troll about this, as it is a really serious issue.

About two millenia ago, philosophy developed internal tension between those who were doing things the right way, and the rest. Then during the next centuries, the first ones gradually split off and became scientists, the other ones stayed within philosophy, where one doesn't have to do much more than just babbling.

...then, lately, the smarter ones defected the philosophy camp too, and became lawyers, where the babbling at least pays more.

However, do you know anything about philosophy? Do you know the relation between philosophy and science? More specifically, are you aware of the relationship between philosophy and mathematics? Or do you simply enjoy developing a convenient image of philosophy and thrashing at it?

Just wait until George Bush the Third writes an epic philosophical and religious treatise on the historical and moral heritage of the glorious american people. It will also be filled with witty aphorisms, no doubt.

You act like masturbation only came en vogue after the Internet was invented by Al Goer. WRONG! We were happily pulling our puds long before pornography was instantly available. We made do with what we had! National Geographic and Victoria's Secret catalogues! Hell, I even nutted once to a Wonder Woman comic book! Ever dumpster-dived for some thrown away skin mags? I have.

Now, if you were to suggest that perhaps the exponentially increased availability of porn might be encouraging laziness of mind and libido in college kids, I would have to agree. Kids these days only need to flip a switch and they have access to millions of pornographic images instantly. In my day, we had to WORK FOR IT!

There are (submlinal) dangers lurking long before a child can access the world wide internet. Just think of some of the nursery rhymes parents "teach" their children.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub
Three men in a tub
Who do you think they be?
The butcher, the baker the candlestick maker
Turn them out, knaves all three.

If that's not dangerously homoerotic, I don't know what is.

As an aside, I guess you could now go Rub-a-Dub-Dubya, but I don't think that's any better.

WTF (none / 0) (#21)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 07:02:12 PM PST

your so full of it its unbelievable. Turn off the internet? Napster downloading porn? sorry but napster is only for audio files. Lol turning off the internet, how hilarious. Dumbest idea i've ever heard. Suicide is a must for you, the rest of us feel embarrased for your stupidity

Bad Ideas (none / 0) (#23)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Aug 29th, 2002 at 09:03:16 PM PST

I am just starting my junior year in college. Let me inform you that turning off the Internet between 10 and 7 is a huge mistake. Most students take between 15 and 20 credit hours. In addition to this, they work an average of 30 hours at a minimum wage job. Students typically wait until late at night to do research. This is because our day is segmented by each class and we have no time to study any earlier. For example, I usually start the day at 9 with my first class. I have an hour break, which is no time to concentrate on studies. I have another class, which has a 20 minute break before my next one. Every day of the week is like this, and weekends are full because I work all day Saturday and Sunday. The only time I have available to study and conduct research is at night. What you propose would prevent me from attaining an education.

As for the e-mail you found, I suggest you consider the idea that it was a joke. I have been subjected to the same thing, and most students consider it funny, myself excluded. I do find this type of thing unsettling, however, unless the student was not raised properly, he should not be so easily influenced by the media.

I hope you are joking about the Linux remarks. There is no way an informed person can believe something like that.

I don't remember my years studying for a bachelor's being that difficult, and at the time I was working between 20 to 40 hours a week pouring drinks at a local gay bar.

What I do remember are a lot of parties, a lot of gigs going horribly wrong, lots of alcohol and marijuana, and sex. Lots and lots of sex.

God, Berkeley was fun.

Might I recommend that you transfer to a different school? Yours sounds a bit too stuffy. These are the best years of your life, son! Have some fun.-----

"...normal, balanced people do not waste time posting to weblogs." --tkatchev

umm o k what a fag (none / 0) (#27)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Aug 30th, 2002 at 12:19:24 PM PST

dude porn on the net is big yeah your son is 18 hes mature and u still check his email how fuking lame are you. 1. please get a real isp AOL IS for little kids and computer illerate ppl
2. Porn is a way of life if your son wants to look at it its his choice 3. Lunix doesnt have hackers u dipshit its abunch of ppl giving out their source codes for programs they wrote which they distribute freely for ppl to view and edit and use, i m sorry m$ programmed u that winblows is the best but fast the facts windows sux. 4. if you shut the internet down from 10pm till 7 am think of all the emails u ll miss of your gay porn to your own inbox 5. if u shut down teh net ppl will just run 100's of feet of ehternet cable to each other if thats what it takes and also companies and businesses and colleges update mainly during at night during low peak times. so before u waste space on this forum and my time of having to reply to such a lame faggot try to be smart and also I bet your next post will be that u monitor your sons game play and he can only play disney.

The above Anonymous Reader has posted a dreaded point-by-point rebuttal with a complete disregard for the conventions of spelling, grammar, or even mature discourse.

Yet, he has done so without stealing any intellectual property! I am quite impressed. Maybe RobotSlave actually is having some positive effect on the younger generation._
_
Do you suffer from late-night hacking? Ask your doctor about Protonix.

You can't turn off the internet. To do so, you'd have to physically disconnect EVERY SINGLE COMPUTER with internet access. I'd love to see Microsoft (who happen to be a bunch of capitalistic, racist, consumer-raping bastards) do that.

It's LINUX, not LUNIX, you stupid pricks.

BLACK PRIDE. Racism = closed-minded = ANTI-CHRISTIAN.

black pride? (none / 0) (#33)

by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 07:13:24 PM PST

is "BLACK PRIDE" not racism? if i were to say "WHITE PRIDE" many would consider it racist i would. how is this different? "black pride" is no better than the kkk. we're all people, race shouldn't matter, and it doesn't to me.

Look, American Blacks are not a "skin color". American Blacks are a separate nationality. For example, in Europe you have Germans and Italians; even though Italians usually tend to have darker skin, this fact has absolutely no bearance on the fact of somebody's "italianness" -- what does matter, though, is the fact that Italian culture, traditions, language and history is quite different compared to someone from Germany.

In America we have a similar situation -- two different nationalities who live on one continent.

This is why Black people can promote something like "Black Pride" without being hypocritical -- "Black Pride" is no different from "Italian Pride", for example. (Note that I'm not saying that nationalism is a good thing; merely that it is an established fact of life.)

Look, just because you are an American doesn't mean that you can just wantonly make up words as you go along.

The whole world calls it "nationality"; what sort of redneck dialect you use in your neck-of-the-woods I don't know, and, frankly, don't really care. Perhaps some other time you could teach me your peculiar aboriginal language, but not today.

One's "Nationality" is defined by the passport(s) one posesses. Nothing more, nothing less. It's quite possible to have more than one "Nationality".

One's ethnicity on the other hand is a much more nebulous concept involving both culture and the currently discredited concept of "race".

It's no good moaning about "White" or "Black" pride, when its clear that "Whiteness" and "Blackness" are nothing more than social constructs.

time to give a Newtonian demonstration - of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration.
-- MC Hawking

w00t! PARADE! PYRAMID! SKREEEEEEEEEEE! (none / 0) (#34)

by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 08:00:07 PM PST

I think this is as classic as "Is your son a computer hacker?"

Read this please (none / 0) (#38)

by Anonymous Reader on Sun Sep 1st, 2002 at 01:16:36 AM PST

Does anyone realize how stupid 99% of the stuff on this site is? Is it truely writtin by "grown-ups"? Or is it written by mental patients? People, PLEASE know what the hell you are talking about before you state it. Otherwise you look like an ass and you generate strife.

~I wish all stupid people would move back to Britain

Please tell me... (5.00 / 1) (#35)

by Anonymous Reader on Sat Aug 31st, 2002 at 09:49:05 PM PST

This whole site truly baffles me. Really. I honestly can't tell. Are you people really, genuinely stupid, or do you just enjoy pretending to be stupid to confuse people like me?

Have you considered filing a libel suit against Lasko to defend your wife's honor? He needs to learn that spreading vicious lies about others will cost him dearly. I'd also file a sexual harassment suit against him, which can earn him some good prison time for him to learn how to respect others.Guardian angel, heavenly friend, walk with me 'til the journey's end.

So, so dumb (none / 0) (#42)

by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 08:36:55 AM PST

"I propose that the US Government start with the abolishment of all Lunix computers. It is a well known fact that hackers are the driving force of the evil zones of The Internet. While the government is allowing the states and people to sue Microsoft right and left, we should embrace the wholesome goodness they possess. With good American Microsoft operating systems we can turn off the evil Internet zones that defile our children's minds."

AAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahaha. This has to be a joke. I know alot of christians are stupid, but that is just ridiculous.

hmm (none / 0) (#43)

by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 12:42:41 PM PST

I can't believe you propose we monitor ADULTS internet traffic. High schools are fair game but college is about growing up and learning responsiblity. Part of that is dealing with temptation, in whatever form. This entire article strikes me as a farce. If someone is genuine about these opinions it makes me really the knowledge base they are using.

Oh dear. (none / 0) (#47)

by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 09:17:00 PM PST

Never underestimate the human capacity for stupidity.

I can state with complete confidence that this article was written by somone who's intelligence is roughly equivalent to a lobotomised chipmunk. Besides the impossible notion of turning off the internet (which was actually designed to survive anything up to and including a nuclear war) it should also be pointed out the philosopher he praises (Socrates) never actually wrote anything down. Everything we have today that contains Socrates was written after his death by his student, Plato. Oh, and both Socrates and Plato were part of a society in which homosexuality and the apprenticeship of young boys to learned philosophers in exchange for sexual favours were accepted practices. To me there is nothing wrong with homosexualiy, but I have a feeling that if the author had bothered to do any research, rather than activating their mouth without bothering to hook up the brain first, they might not have been so enthusiastic.

Oh, by the way, that whole issue of free will and the freedom of people to choose their own paths? I guess we should just forget about that silly little biblical idea, huh?

i laughed, i cried then I laughed again (none / 0) (#48)

by Anonymous Reader on Mon Sep 2nd, 2002 at 09:56:36 PM PST

the writer is a very funny guy yes this is a classic

o man (none / 0) (#50)

by Anonymous Reader on Wed Sep 4th, 2002 at 09:39:00 AM PST

how much funnier could this get the ppl on here are so dumb and they use aol lol

ROFL (none / 0) (#52)

by Anonymous Reader on Thu Sep 5th, 2002 at 03:04:30 PM PST

I almost died laughing at this. there is too much to reply to so ill keep it short and only reply to your "propositions"

1) I propose that the US Government start with the abolishment of all Lunix computers. It is a well known fact that hackers are the driving force of the evil zones of The Internet. While the government is allowing the states and people to sue Microsoft right and left, we should embrace the wholesome goodness they possess. With good American Microsoft operating systems we can turn off the evil Internet zones that defile our children's minds.

Ok, why don't we all just give our social security numbers, credit card numbers, and copies of our emails to microsoft. Hell, i might as well just give Bill Gates the right to control the market and screw me over by raising prices as high as he likes.

2) Internet chaperones should be put into place at our University Internet stations. With an economy that is slowing we need to create more jobs for our working class. A great number could be employed by having them sit with sessions of 2-6 students while they browse The Internet. This could stop emails such as the one above from proliferating.

let me get on the phone and cal up my nanny, maybe she'll tell me that i need to wear longer shorts because my knees are showing.

3) Turn The Internet off between 10:00 pm and 7:00 am. While it will be difficult to compensate for time zone changes, I'm sure the brilliant programmers at Microsoft can figure out a way to do this. An Internet curfew such as this would keep our young from perusing The Internet at late hours when over 60% of pornography is downloaded from zones like Lunix and Napster

First off, Napster was not used to share porn, it only shared mp3s. Second, just as much porn is downloaded off your beloved microsoft servers as it is on Linux servers.

my conclusion... its exactly this type of closed minded liberal-democratic thinking that is destroying this country. not "pornography downloaded off Napster and Linux" Please, if you really believed in the constitution of the United States you wouldnt even think about posting shit like this. If you want to post this crap then move to Canada or China, or any other Socialist/Communist country where the people have no rights. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE GET AN OPEN MIND.

Hell, i might as well just give Bill Gates the right to control the market and screw me over by raising prices as high as he likes.

He does it already.

First off, Napster was not used to share porn, it only shared mp3s.

...but then programs like Wrapster appeared, which encapsulated other file types to MP3 files, allowing trading of non-MP3s over Napster. Then they died away with Napster demise and appearance of Napster offsprings ("napsteroids") capable of sharing other file types as well.

Second, just as much porn is downloaded off your beloved microsoft servers as it is on Linux servers.

More accurate stats would be interesting; dependence of the OS/server used on a kind of business or size of a corporation.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE GET AN OPEN MIND.

He got an open mind. But then his brain fell out...

oh god no!!! (none / 0) (#54)

by Anonymous Reader on Fri Sep 6th, 2002 at 11:16:35 AM PST

my 4 'lunix' computers are helping to ruin the children of the world!!!

'brilliant programmers at Microsoft' ???
have you ever seen their greatest masterpiece, the BSOD?

Too damn funny (none / 0) (#55)

by Anonymous Reader on Sun Sep 8th, 2002 at 07:12:54 PM PST

I find it really ironic that this post or whatever ya wanna call it is telling people porn is bad, and then it has 'related links' next to it that go to porn sites. 'Porn is bad, so please don't go here, here...' heh

All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective
companies.
Comments are owned by the Poster. The Rest ® 2001, 2002, 2003 Adequacy.org.
The Adequacy.org name, logo, symbol, and taglines "News for Grown-Ups", "Most
Controversial Site on the Internet", "Linux Zealot", and "He just loves Open Source
Software", and the RGB color value: D7D7D7 are trademarks of Adequacy.org. No part
of this site may be republished or reproduced in whatever form without prior written
permission by Adequacy.org and, if and when applicable, prior written permission by
the contributing author(s), artist(s), or user(s). Any inquiries are directed to
legal@adequacy.org.