Thursday, April 8, 2010

What Wilts My Lettuce

You know what wilts my lettuce? Please refrain from bringing your dog with you to the pharmacy. That tea-cup Pomeranian ain't no service dog and I don't appreciate being growled at, barked at, or having my fellow employees snapped at.

This also isn't Petco or Petsmart or Pet Supermarket. We aren't mopping up your precious little fur ball's excreta and if you leave it for us to clean up and I know where you live, expect it to be waiting on your windshield. Not to mention the kid that mops the floor at night is Muslim and I would hate to be part of an anti-pooch jihad.

Maybe I am wrong and your adorable little fur ball is just recognizing and giving a shout out from one b*tch to another but I still want you to leave your I-am-so-special-and-interesting-because-I-have-this-little-dog-so-you-should-talk-to-me at home because bringing it with you, well that really wilts my lettuce and if you leave it in the car somebody's gonna steal it.

10 comments:

I once asked a lady to take her little pocket dog outside. She was so offended, that she began to yell at me, had the manager come to the pharmacy and proceeded to tell him that I said various degrading and racist remarks... I mean, come on- really?

It is not like i told this joke: a gal pulled up next to me at an intersection with a dog on her lap. I said to her, "nice pig." the lady gasped and said, "its not a pig, it is a dog!" I replied, "I was talking to the dog..."

Amen! I got the "he's a service dog" B.S. the other day, told her if he didn't have his gear on, it didn't count, and WTF was a therapy dog gonna do in a grocery store, anyway? Such a shame I didn't have her 250 oxycontin 80's written from a doc 2000 miles away....

God, I hate that more than anything, when people bring those little yappy furballs in a store with them. So, because they only weigh 5 lbs, you should be allowed to take them where you want? Cool - next time I go shopping, I'm taking my 160 lb mastiff with me. She's the quietest, most docile dog you've ever met. No yapping or biting.

Don't guess I've ever had the joy of dealing with a customer in-store who couldn't stand to be parted from their dear little noise machine for a few minutes. See quite a few people come through the drive-thru with em, though - which I don't mind. We even keep a box of doggie treats at the window for them. No suckers or gum for kids - but we have dog treats. Make of that what you will.

O.K., so here it goes some of my best-kept secrets for fellow short order pharmacists.

Ingredients:

1 cup of perfectly scripted bullshit,2-3 minutes of acting. For better results, preferably Jack Nicholson-ish.4-6 seconds of sympathy face (come on, you know)1 minute of car salesmen. Now this ones tough, you’re pitching to the dog.And one big, fat, sinister smile. That’s a success smile, not a work smile.

This is how it all comes together, and I will use a personal example for you to understand the concept and to further boost your recipes success.

Three patients reading printouts waiting for their scripts, eight or nine customers in line staring at you like you’re your laying on a lawn chair, and a giant four legged bastard (appropriate in this case) licking the condoms attached to his master who is waiting in line. Do not get pissed off in your head, you are not Jack Nicholson yet it shows, relax.

Wait for the customer to approach the counter and hopefully someone has already broken the ice and asked him; what type of dog is it, what’s its name, if not, pull out the ice pick. In my case the ice was broken, 99% of the time it is because there is a freaking dog in the pharmacy and people notice, you know like a petting zoo in a mall.

Here it goes… Hey buddy, Wow you’re a big boy (gender appropriate) staring at the dog with a smile. Turn to the customer…. This is where you break the ice if it’s not done yet. Say hello, do your thing, get the sale, try to help, do the pharmacist thing, no problem.

While you hold back the ticking time bomb in your head, fill out the customer’s script or whatever the customer needs. Once you have all you need to get your customer and their beloved mutt out of your pharmacy with the till +129.93…. Voila step one is complete.

Although you want to take a muzzle to both the dog and your customer, you made them think that you like the fact that they have livestock in your pharmacy…Bullshit 1 cup.

Ready Jack… Oh and, Mr. so and so (once again gender specific). Eye contact… Just to be safe… there was once an incident with a spill of pills… a customer had wanted to check there pills at the counter and they ended up all over the place… you know, with the cap and all… anyway a dear customer of mine had her two Cocker Spaniels … (Add bullshit to taste). Poor little soles died in 15 minutes… It turns out they swallowed 2 or 3 pills each. Ready…. Sympathy face. 1,2,3…. Poor things. Poor Mrs. Cooper.

Ready to sell a 1982 Skylark… Now, I would not want to see that happening to my new buddy over there…right buddy….

Every dog loving person, obsessed to the point of bringing it into a drugstore and bullshitting about it being a service dog will drive away in a Skylark even if you had to boost it off the lot.

The fun part about Dog people is that they all get together at dog parks and share dog stories and talk about dogs and dog things, so the word gets around.

The smile of success my fellow educated dispenser…

So, what did we learn here today… well that dogs, cats, turtles (yes even a freaking turtle) do not belong in a pharmacy, but try to put aside the complete irrational thinking and serve your customer/patient with a smile and you may even start liking wilted lettuce…

Legally, telling you the animal is a service animal is all the owner is required to do.

A bit more about the topic: (this is from the Vermont chamber of commerce www.vtchamber.com but most states---California I know for sure---have similar laws)

An owner of a service animal is not required to carry, or provide you with, documentation verifying the service animal’s status. If it is not apparent that the animal is a service animal, you can ask the person with the animal (a) whether the animal is a service animal required because of a disability, and (b) what tasks the service animal performs.

If the person tells you that the animal is a service animal and then describes the tasks the service animal performs, that is the end of the inquiry. You cannot inquire as to the type or nature of the person’s disability or ask for any documentation to support the person’s claim that the animal is a service animal.

There, of course, will be instances where people try and game the system and claim that their pets are service animals when they really are not. It can be very difficult to tell if a person is lying about whether an animal is a service animal. The law, however, is clear and onlyauthorizes the limited inquiry described above.