HI,
I am a German living in America.
My boyfriend is a pornography
addict, and ever since we bought
a computer he uses a lot of
sites on a regular basis. At
first, I thought it was mainly
his problem (difficult childhood,
inferiority complexes...), but
after reading a few books on
the subject, it seems as though
most men in this country are
regular consumers of pornography,
from the proverbial stack of
hidden Playboy issues to hard
core Internet pictures. Is that
so? Are there any statistics
on how many men are into pornography?
Our relationship is on the brink
of a breakup (not only because
of p. but I think most of our
problems stem from this addiction),
and I wonder if, in case I stay
in the States, I just have to
give up on American men... sure,
there are profeminist men, or
men just not interested in pornography
but it's not quite a topic to
be brought up when you meet
a person for the first time,
or is it? Thanks for a bit of
enlightenment, Nikole

I
think that I'm lucky that my
boyfriend isn't a consumer of
pornography, besides sneeking
a few peeks at Playboy.
I'm lucky, not only because
I don't know how I would feel
if he was a hardcore consumer
of pornography, but because
he gets to prove the exception
to the supposed "rule." That
is, his example proves that
not all men are naturally addicted
to pornography. And I wouldn't
even describe him as a pro-feminist
man, he's more a man with feminist
instincts. Anyway, I say this
all as a way of saying that
we can't buy the excuse that
men need it, it's natural. It
might be an interest for some
men, just as it is an interest
for some women, but that's taste
not gender.

As for how this plays out in
your relationship. If it bothers
you, this might just be proof
that you aren't right for each
other. However, he might be
a great mate and, therefore,
you two have to find a way to
work through it together--or
just date European men, but
I'm sure they have their problems,
too.