SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News, October 6, 2013 Edition

Feds
Spare No Expense to Close Popular Tourist Sites

Determined to put a real “sting”
into the shutdown of the federal government in the absence of
Congressional passage of a continuing resolution, the federal
government incurred the added expense of shuttering popular open-air
tourist sites.

“Money isn't the issue,”
National Parks Director Jonathan Jarvis insisted. “These parks are
owned by the federal government. We say when they are open and when
they are closed.”

As it turns out, the NPS
exercised more authority than it has. The blockades included
privately funded sites that the NPS “mistakenly believed” they
had the right to close. The most prominent of these was Mount
Vernon—the former home of George Washington that is now run by a
privately funded foundation. For that matter, though it sits on
federally owned land, the WWII memorial was also built with privately
raised donations.

Not all of the blockades were
successful. Washington, DC's World War II memorial was successfully
invaded by a contingent of 80 and 90-year-old veterans. “We had
White House authorization to use deadly force if necessary,” said
Park Ranger Bob Weaver. “But without comprehensive gun control laws
we couldn't be sure we wouldn't be outgunned. Let's not forget that
some of these old guys stormed the beaches of Normandy facing down
Nazi artillery and machine guns—firepower that, thus far, has been
denied to us.”

Weaver didn't sound optimistic
that the NPS's most recent ploy of wiring the barricades together
would keep out the invading vets. “It's not barbed wire and we
can't lay down a pattern of automatic weapons fire to deter the vets
from penetrating the perimeter. Fortunately, this generation is dying
off and future efforts to prevent unauthorized intrusions onto
government property should go more smoothly.”

Out west, tourists are utilizing
helicopter tours to bypass the government's closure of Grand Canyon
National Park's roadway entrances. NPS Director Jarvis is pressing
the President to declare a “no fly zone” over the Park. “The
government owns the airspace over the Canyon just as much as the
ground on which the park sits,” Jarvis contended. “If we say the
Park is closed no one has the right to view any part of it by any
means. Flying over our barricades to sneak a peek is like stealing.
It's just plain wrong.

Meanwhile,
the October 1st
implementation of the Obamacare exchanges has been largely a bust.
Computer glitches impeded those few who tried to access the program.
Others were stunned to discover that they must first provide an array
of personal data before being allowed to see details on the insurance
packages offered. Those overcoming qualms learned that the plans
offered were significantly more expensive than they had been led to
believe—more costly than coverages available prior to the
Affordable Care Act.

GOP
Bill to Fund NIH Blocked by Democrat

In a bid to protect important
functions from being shutdown, Republicans in the House of
Representatives are endeavoring to pass targeted funding measures.
One of these was a bill to keep the National Institutes of Health
open. This bill was rejected by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

“The attempt to try to sneak
through funding for items regarded as more important than some other
federal spending is reprehensible,” Reid argued. “Sure, there
isn't a person here who would disagree that keeping the NIH open
would be a good thing, but we can't let an appreciation for services
we all agree are highly valuable allow us to sacrifice spending that
many would argue is less valuable or even unnecessary.”

Apprised that his
“all-or-nothing” approach blocks funding that the GOP bill would
have provided for treating children with cancer, Reid explained that
“the fate of a few kids mustn't be put ahead of the need for
Obamacare to be fully implemented. The short term sacrifice of the
few in order to benefit the many over the long term is an exchange
that true leaders have to make on a regular basis.”

The
Majority Leader rejected his portrayal as “cold-hearted” and
contended that “it is more representative of a 'profile in
courage.' I am taking an unpopular position in order to promote the
greater good. That is the way the media will portray it and that's
the way history will be written. I don't have any regrets.”

Reid
Calls for Civility, Labels Boehner a “Coward”

Senate Majority Leader Harry
Reid (D-Nev) pleaded with Congressional colleagues “to observe
civility in our discourse with one another. Though we may disagree
there is no need for us to resort to name calling.”

Fresh from this heart-felt plea,
Reid labeled House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) “a coward.” The
inspiration for this highly personal attack “is Boehner's inability
to break free of the Tea Partiers who are mounting a fundamental
assault on the way our government operates. They are challenging the
traditional processes and casting the leadership of both Parties in a
bad light.”

Reid was especially aggrieved
that “Boehner has allowed the bipartisan deal to preserve the
privileges and immunities of members of Congress and their staffs viz
a viz the Affordable Care Act to be exposed to unnecessary
ridicule. The Tea Party's assertion that Congress ought to live under
the laws that we enact is a 'poison pill' and completely out of line
with customary practices. That Boehner would have the gall to send
over legislation stripping us of these traditional privileges and
immunities is an outrage.”

Reid's
name-calling was deemed insufficiently harsh for some. In an article
for The New Republic,
Julia Ioffe urged that President Obama call out troops to suppress
“the intransigent resistance of the Tea Party. To continue to allow
a minority faction to impede his rule would be a dereliction of
duty.” Hollywood celebrity, Cher, tweeted a suggestion that
Congressmen who thwart the President ought to be “deep sixed”
(i.e., killed).

Shutdown Furloughs Indicate
that 40% of Federal Workforce Is Non-Essential

Other than the high-profile
barricading of selected tourist destinations there is little sign
that the federal government shutdown is sparking the desired degree
of panic in the population. Part of the problem may be that the
800,000 furloughed employees (about 40% of the total federal
workforce) are non-essential.

Naturally, the question in many
people's minds is “why does the government keep so many
non-essential employees on the payroll?” President Obama explained
the rationale by pointing out that “the federal government is the
nation's largest employer. As such, it is our responsibility to sop
up otherwise unemployable persons and give them seemingly meaningful
jobs.”

The alternative, the President
said, “would be to have hundreds of thousands of individuals with
non-marketable skills cast into the pool of the unemployed. The
functions carried out by these workers are not the kind of tasks that
customers would freely pay for if they had an option. By giving these
people a desk, a computer, and paperwork to do we are allowing them a
dignity and sense of worth that they might not get if they had to
slave over a minimum wage job.”

In related news, an unfortunate
side effect of the shutdown has been an improvement in the federal
government's cash flow. While revenues coming in have been mostly
unaffected, expenditures going out have significantly dropped. As a
result, the deficit has temporarily turned into a surplus. If this
were permitted to continue there would be no need to raise the debt
ceiling.

House
Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) described this development as
“a disaster” and pleaded with Wall Street “to use your
financial muscle to bring the GOP back into line. Your government
contracts, your subsidies, your tax breaks—all depend upon a
robustly growing federal government. If you don't step up now your
gravy train will go off the tracks we have worked together so
diligently to build over the years.”

Administration
Preparing to Rachet Up the Pain

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says
that the barricading of parks and monuments is “merely lesson
number one in the effort to educate Americans on how their government
works. Not being able to visit a park or monument is an
inconvenience. Lesson number two, I assure you, will cut closer to
home.”

“Lesson number two” will
apparently entail the withholding of benefit checks for Social
Security recipients, persons on welfare, and veterans pensions. “This
more painful lesson can be avoided if Congress cooperates in
implementing the President's program for America,” Lew cautioned.
“However, the continued insistence that the President negotiate a
compromise solution only ensures that these dire consequences will be
fulfilled.”

The kinds of compromises that
are off-limits according to Lew include “any modification to the
Affordable Care Act not initiated at the President's sole discretion,
any attempt to discontinue subsidies to any corporations carrying out
the President's green energy program, and any action intended to
reverse or limit the scope of any Executive Order issued by the
President.”

Lew
marked out a date in October when “Congress must without hesitation
raise the debt ceiling to the level specified by the President in
order to avert the implementation of lesson number two. It will
literally be a 'do-or-die' situation. The stress of delayed pension
payments to aged recipients could be deadly. Likewise, rioting and
looting might be welfare dependents' only option once their checks
stop coming. The President has clearly delineated the choice before
Congress: cooperation or chaos. The decision is theirs to make.”