I started to only show others the parts of myself which were considered admirable and nice, so I would give no one any more reasons to leave me.

I never fully committed to my love relationships. I figured it’s better to leave the backdoor open and “be in control of the pain” instead of being the victim of my circumstances. So when something bad happened, I simply ditched and saved myself any further pain and disappointment – like my father did.

And for the next 20 years I lived in this anxious and paranoid “everyone is out there to get you” type of way. Until eventually, everything I tried to suppress for such a long time rose back to the surface.

But this time I was old enough to “get it”…

In an ideal world…

Everyone should be able to express his joy as well as his anger freely – without the fear of facing life-threatening (often mind-made) consequences.

In reality though, the vast majority is living in this emotionally crippled, good over bad, “we are not talking about this!”, never fully authentic way of stumbling through life.

Life should be rich in both types of emotions – good or bad. It should be filled with joyful moments and equally distressing regrets. There should be moments of happiness and bliss, and also times of great anger and despair.

When I made myself believe that one side is more appreciated than the other and as a consequence started to suppress my bad sides, I began to go down these self-sabotaging roads. I was desperately striving for the “good” in hopes of avoiding the “bad”.

Happiness over discomfort.

Pleasure over pain.

Achievement over failure.

But what if the flaw in our thinking STARTS right there?

The fanatic desire to be happy made me feel resentful for the times when I was angry or sad, pushing me further away from the joyful and rich life I initially was looking for.

But what if accepting even the messiest and darkest sides of us as valid parts of… well… ourselves… will set us free?

What if a simple “fuck you dad” finally allows you to embrace even your most unlovable sides and (maybe even for the first time) let you experience a fullness and depth of life you never had felt before.

Sometimes I find myself seeking my emotional stability not within myself but in other external factors. I look at my current life situation – and depending on my flawed judgement at this very moment – I decide how to feel in this very situation. Am I allowed to feel good right now? Or more like a piece of shit? “I have huge debts and no money, I am a loser and I should feel like...

When we talk about who we are we often talk about superficial stuff like: “I am an engineer”, “I am a teacher”, “I am an honest person”, “I am a hard worker”, “I am a smoker”, “I am a mother”, etc. All of this might be true. And also none of it. You are nothing of all the stuff you think you are, and ironically you are so...