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5 Things I Can't Justify Spending Money On

I won't deny it; I am someone who is usually relatively frivolous with my spending. It is not unlike me to throw away $50 on a bottle of nice booze, $100 on dinner with some friends, and upwards of $200 on jeans or shoes. What can I say, I like the finer things.

That said, there are some things that I just absolutely hate spending my money on. I'm talking, I will do anything not to give in and buy said things.

1. Toilet Paper

Toilet paper runs somewhere between $2-5 depending on how picky you are. To be fair, let's say a good roll will cost you somewhere around $3. Three dollars, cheaper than one drink at the bar, and yet every time we run out of toilet paper, it is like an unspoken contest between my roommate and I to see who can outlast the other, until one of us breaks and buys a roll.

The first play after you use that last square of cotton joy is the tissue box. The cardboard roll sits on the toilet paper holder empty and a box of tissues magically appears on the sink counter next to the toothbrushes or on top of toilet above the flusher. Aware that you are on that back up tank of gas, you use the tissues a little less generously than you did the five feet of toilet paper you used per trip to the bathroom when you were fortunate enough to have it.

Once you run out of tissues it's time to get creative. Paper towels and napkins are the obvious choices, although the comfort level is significantly lower. After that it's survival of the fittest, which usually ends in the sacrifice of either a dish towel or beach towel.

2. Toothpaste

Toothpaste lasts a little longer than toilet paper so this is more of a monthly issue as opposed to the weekly toilet paper debacle. We've all been there, those final three days when you summon a superhuman strength to squeeze every last drop of toothpaste out of the now flaccid and wrinkly tube. You've given up on the twice a day brush, and are now going only mornings with a Listerine wash at night. It isn't until two days after you've completely run out of both Listerine and toothpaste that you must throw your hands in the air and march on over to Rite-Aid or vow never to open your mouth again.

3. Gasoline

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who has run out of gas because he or she thought they could make it that one last trip to the grocery store/dentist appointment/friend's house. And I mean, it's not as if you haven't been given ample warning. There's that arrow on the little meter, ten inches away from your face on your dashboard that you watch go lower and lower, for days, until it hits empty. Not to mention the red light that goes on, the sputtering noise that comes out of your exhaust, and the manner in which your gas pedal begins to give way under your foot.

Despite all of those things I still run out of gas more often than I'd like to admit before I walk to the gas station with my head hanging. I'm sorry. I just don't like paying for gas.

4. Laundry

The process of doing laundry begets more annoyances than just the cost of the washer and dryer, any detergent, and dryer sheets or fabric softener if you like to make things complicated. There is getting your laundry, which, if you don't have a washer and dryer in your apartment, now entails taking every piece of clothing you own to the laundromat and back—more energy than a game of full contact football. Not to mention the time commitment that this day-long activity requires.

If you ever wondered why girls have so much underwear, it's because once we've gone through our supply, then all of our bathing suit bottoms, one out of three of us will buy new underwear before we will take a trip to the laundromat. If you ever wondered why guys still don't have a lot of underwear, even though they hate doing laundry just as much, it's because they just wear the same dirty pair over and over and over.

5. Batteries

Okay, now you're going to have to agree with me that batteries are somewhat overpriced. The generic kind might be a dollar or two cheaper, but let's face it, everyone knows that "Brooks Pharmacy" brand batteries just don't work as well as Energizer, so you're spending seven bucks easy.

Out of this top five list, I usually break down and buy batteries the most easily because I need them for my digital camera, and digital cameras are like crack for girls. However, those are double-As, and out of all battery sizes, they carry the most justification for purchasing.

Once we get to triple-A, things get messy. There are three things in my apartment that require triple-A batteries: the television remote, the Scattergories timer, and a statue of a guy peeing that doubles as a liquor dispenser that I bought my roommate for Christmas. Luckily, unless I simultaneously need to change a channel while writing down Scattergories answers and dispensing liquor out of a little metal penis, I can use the same triple-A batteries for all three things. And if you think I'm going to spend another $7 so that every device can have its own battery, well then you can just go to hell.

I refuse to buy new batteries too, which is why I just open the back and roll the batteries around to magically charge them. Everyone is so concerned with renewable energy but I've had that problem solved for years.

Ya nice list,,but,Why Gasoline?? Obama is blaming Indians and Chinese for the rising gasoline prices.Ha ha..What an ass..There are 950 cars per 1000 people in USA and 0.85 per 1000 in India!!! What a shame Europeans and Americans have used 4liter V8 engines all their life and now they blame these poor third world people for the flare up..Typical american hypocrisy..

Funny stuff, Ali. I completely agree and another that I HATE buying is milk. Living with only one other girl and only drinking milk with my cereal means the stuff will go bad long before we finish it.. I feel like everyone should have milk in their fridge though.

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Founded in 2000, PIC is a comedypublication featuring enlighteningand irreverent humor from adiverse group of awesome writers.You'll find that we are somewhatcollegiate, often sarcastic, and alwaysstrangely insightful or inexplicablydelightful. Read more »