Being A Little Needy Is A Good Thing

A little interdependence goes a long way towards forming strong relationships.

Somehow, I had the great fortune of reading YourTango's "Can Powerful Women Find Love" about five minutes before I read an article in The Onion (not yet available online) about the evolution of a romantic relationship into a mother-son symbiosis. Effective articles from The Onion are farcically expository but contain an recognizable truth at their core (some people call that satire, but some people are far smarter than I am).

The intersection of the two pieces is this: having needs and being needed are normal. For our purposes, let's shelve the genetic (and historical) penchant for women to be caregivers.

Let's get down to brass tacks (plus brass tax and brass tachs): part of being in a pair is providing something that you can't get on your own (obviously too many to enumerate but let's say security for women and someone to shave their backs for men).

Most healthy humans crave companionship ("crave" might be a touch strong). True loners appear dangerous and have a tendency to purchase cabins, grow beards (women too), compile lists and send explosives via mail to people on those lists.

Some "powerful women" struggle to find dudes not because they are intimidated by them but because these women feel expressing an iota of "neediness" is tantamount to weakness. I appreciate that the workplace tightrope accomplished women walk (between Polly Prissy Pants and Betty Ball-Buster) makes earnestly dating dicey.

But there comes a time to put (some) childish things aside and admit no man (woman) is an island because most of the human condition is about interaction. I've heard a number of women saying that they want what they want, not what they need, and I think that's a really good way to get nothing. It's true that needing anything at any time tips the balance of power towards the provider but that supply-demand dynamic is applicable to almost all of our experiences. A little swallowed pride sometimes goes a very long way.

The bottom line is that some level of neediness (interdependence not codependence, cookie) is crucial to the survival of any relationship. It's up to your best judgment to determine how needy is appropriately needy. Here's a quick guide: if your fish just died it's not OK to ask him to skip his best friend's bachelor party. If you've had a colossally bad day, it's cool to want to be held and told how great you are*. And if you have a feral badger in your bedroom, it's OK to ask him to help you barricade yourselves in the bathroom until animal control gets there. At some point, he may ask you, in return, to remind him that he has a doctor's appointment.

*Note: "Colossally bad" is relative and should not happen frequently: e.g. losing the Catalina Wine Mixer account is a bad day, waiting in line at the DMV for 45 minutes is not (unless there was a robbery).