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sponge finger on "Critics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=75355#post-220426
Fri, 25 Apr 2014 11:32:56 +0000sponge finger220426@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Arguably the death was <em>un</em>timely, as they surely didn't murder this cast member soon enough.</p>
<p>PS: I love the puppy's expression alongside Woodyatt there.
</p>GrumpyCat on "Critics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=75355#post-220392
Fri, 25 Apr 2014 08:30:46 +0000GrumpyCat220392@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Looks like they are all staunch 'Enders fans in here then<br />
&lt;licks bottom&gt;
</p>Squudge on "Critics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=75355#post-220260
Thu, 24 Apr 2014 05:45:05 +0000Squudge220260@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p><em>Edit: just realised I had a spot of annoying repetition in there - and I needed to vent a little more spleen.<br />
Version 2: </em></p>
<p>The BBC has been showered with accolades after the screening of the Eastenders episode handling the Beale Bereavement this week. Torquil Faversham, Head of Gritty Plot Lines explained, 'We knew we couldn't expose the nation to the terrible loss of an indifferently toxic teenager without tempering it with little sprinkles of hope. Easter is, after all, about eggs; admittedly chocolate ones.'</p>
<p>The storyline had viewers on the edge of their seats watching Beale approach his son in the Queen Vic to reveal the shattering news of the death of his sister. The tension was skillfully balanced as the camera panned to a pregnant lady touchingly patting her bump. Critics agree that the juxtaposition of new life and timely death has proved a master class in light entertainment, lifting the collective consciousness of the nation spiritually.</p>
<p>Adam Woodyatt (Ian Beale) gave a stunning performance of harrowingly unattractive grief, while his son Peter bellowed like a wounded calf. Despite these minor abberrations of genuinely good acting, the remaining Enders cast saved the day with a tour de force of life-affirming naffness.</p>
<p>Brian Sewell enthused, 'I wept during sequences involving Danny Dyer worrying over his flatulent bulldog clearly whelping newfoundland pups. Simply exquisite. A performance worthy of Gielgud himself'.</p>
<p>Mark Kermode concurred. 'Hair raising', he mused 'The part where Phil Mitchell gave mouth to mouth to an ailing puppy', he paused, temporarily incoherent with raw emotion, 'I dimly recollect he ruffled the ears on a fluffy kitten in the bar, his former bitter adversaries gazing with moist admiration. Watching this was literally life-changing.'</p>
<p>Perhaps not since the death of Princess Diana has the nation been so unified in grief. Anyone affected by the issues raised during the episode is encouraged to ring the BBC helpline, and shout 'Why, yes. Yes I have. This was sh##!'
</p>Squudge on "Critics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=75355#post-220252
Wed, 23 Apr 2014 21:07:07 +0000Squudge220252@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p><img src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/3b/75/b0/3b75b003ed139a0a6b47014ddf40c408.jpg">
</p>Squudge on "Critics rave as Eastenders nails the cycle of life"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=75355#post-220246
Wed, 23 Apr 2014 20:29:28 +0000Squudge220246@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>The BBC has been showered with accolades and rave reviews after the screening of the Eastenders episode handling the Beale bereavement. Torquil Faversham, in charge of gritty plot lines explained, 'We knew we couldn't expose the nation to the terrible loss of an indifferently toxic teenager without tempering it with life-affirming reminders that the script goes on.' </p>
<p>The storyline had viewers on the edge of their beanbags watching Beale approach his son in the Queen Vic to reveal the earth-shattering news of the murder of Lucy. The tension was skillfully broken by panning the camera to a random pregnant lady touchingly patting her bump. Critics agree that the juxtaposition of new life and timely death has proved a master class in light entertainment.</p>
<p>Adam Woodyatt (Ian Beale) gave a stunning performance of harrowingly unattractive grief, while his son Peter bellowed like a wounded calf. Despite these minor abberrations of genuinely good acting, the remaining Enders cast saved the day with a tour de force of life-affirming naff plot lines.</p>
<p>Brian Sewell enthused, 'I wept during sequences involving Danny Dyer worrying about his flatulent bulldog clearly whelping newfoundland pups. Simply exquisite'. </p>
<p>Mark Kermode concurred. 'Hair raising', he mused 'The part where Phil Mitchell gave mouth to mouth to an ailing puppy', he paused, temporarily incoherent with raw emotion, 'I dimly recall how he ruffled the ears on a fluffy kitten in the bar, former bitter adversaries gazing with moist admiration. Watching this was literally life-changing.'</p>
<p>Not since the death of Lady Diana Spencer has the nation been so unified in grief and loss. Anyone affected by the issues raised during the episode is encouraged to ring the BBC helpline, and shout 'Why, yes. Yes I have. this was shit!'
</p>2escapees on "Phil Mitchell goes to Lawyers4you for claim against Carl!"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=66648#post-195309
Sat, 14 Sep 2013 11:11:29 +00002escapees195309@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Yes in a dramatic change of approach Eastenders Phil Mitchell has taken the first step in pursuing a claim against driver Carl for the injuries he suffered in the recent car crash. "Before the crash I would have topped 'im but me head took a pounding so now I claim for pain, time off work and whiplash" said Mitchell from his hospital bed. "Now I've got that slag Ronnie looking after the shop I can devote all my time to the legal claims" he confirmed.</p>
<p>Lawyers4you were not available for comment but did promise to pursue our claim for time wasting actors failing to give us a life.
</p>Johnny_Mack347 on "Injury Lawyers 4U Examine Small Print Of Billy Murray's contract"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=23823#post-64766
Wed, 13 Apr 2011 21:01:17 +0000Johnny_Mack34764766@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>TV advert frontman Billy Murray attempted to call in some favours from the team of expert lawyers he's been promoting for the last 18 months at Injury Lawyers 4 U after his wife suffered a horrific work place accident. </p>
<p>"She was working at the stove one moment" said Murray "when "Bam!", a frying pan flies across the room and smashed her in the old boat race. I mean who makes Spag Bol on a Tuesday? Everyone knows I like toad'n the 'ole on a Tuesday! I quickly followed up the frying pan with a rolling pin and Queen Victoria bust. She rings the Old Bill, then that's it, I'm charged with GBH. Smashing."</p>
<p>Billy Murray quickly demonstrated his wily eye for detail and immediately rang the Injury Lawyers 4U hotline to take on the case recognising his wife had suffered a brutal and sustained attack that clearly wasn't her fault. Excited by the no win, no fee promise Murray felt he was on to a right little earner.</p>
<p>The Injury lawyers 4U team at first thought the call was a prank but on listening to the gravelly cockney caller's voice and comparing it to reruns of their own nauseating TV advert they realised they were one of the same.</p>
<p>Injury Lawyers 4 U were unavailable for comment but it is believed they are rapidly trying to terminate the TV hardman's contract and severe links before their reputation is tarnished beyond all repair.
</p>CAC on "God on Mumsnet webchat to defend King Solomon baby-slicing storyline"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20243#post-54624
Thu, 20 Jan 2011 09:58:31 +0000CAC54624@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>I was dead pleased to see this story used on the site. And I LOVE the additional sentence about the Easter weekend storyline. Wish I'd thought of that.
</p>CAC on "God on Mumsnet webchat to defend King Solomon baby-slicing storyline"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=20243#post-54554
Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:59:06 +0000CAC54554@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Mumsnet hit the headlines last week when it wrote to God complaining that its members had been "outraged and distressed" by an Old Testament storyline in which a mother accidentally smothers her baby in bed, steals a friend's baby, and then shouts to King Solomon that "It shall be neither mine nor hers — divide it with your sword!"</p>
<p>"Quite apart from raising unnecessary fears about the dangers of co-sleeping, this story brings out the old chestnut that a bereaved mother will steal children and then get them judicially severed," said Justine Roberts, Mumsnet's chief executive. "Literally twelve users of our site have discussed the storyline ad nauseum, and it is Mumsnet's responsibility to give women a voice by raiding their online musings and converting them into press releases that bring hordes of new hits to the site."</p>
<p>Now Mumsnet has taken matters a step further by inviting God on to the site for a grilling. "Many, many women contacted God directly through the usual channels to complain and were understandably frustrated not to receive any kind of reply," Roberts explained. In a statement God agreed that due to the large number of complaints, many prayers had gone unanswered and said that webchats are a "great new resource for reaching out to stakeholders." But, more wrathfully, he went on to say that much of the Old Testament "plainly stretches credibility" and that "if people are dumb enough to take it literally then I obviously did a shit job of creation." </p>
<p>To get the webchat off to a good start, God is expected to announce that his favourite biscuit is communion wafer.
</p>Rizzo on "The BBC receives 7000 complaints that the VAT rise has not affected Walford"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=19721#post-53113
Sat, 08 Jan 2011 16:35:42 +0000Rizzo53113@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Switchboards at the BBC were jammed last night as angry viewers of Eastenders called in their thousands to complain that the VAT rise to 20% had not affected items seen in the show.</p>
<p>Mark Jones, a postman from Hillingdon said he was so incensed by the 'double standards' shown by the government that he managed to drag himself away from stuffing his face with Christmas leftovers long enough to shout at his wife to bring him the phone.</p>
<p> Mr Jones explained to us his reaction "I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the prices they are paying for a pint of beer in the Queen Vic, I support the government in trying to reduce the deficit but i got so angry I just had to call in. Here we are trying to make ends meet when in another part of London these highly paid soap stars are wandering into a pub on a closed set and paying the same amount that they were a year ago and sometimes even less, it's almost as if the bar staff don't care about the amount of change they are giving".</p>
<p>Convenience store owner Raj Mistry from Hatfield also called in to complain but is not a viewer himself. "Every day i get customers arguing with me about the price of items in my shop. 'Why is it £2.80 for a pack of toilet paper in here, i could get the same for next to nothing in Walford?', that's the sort of thing i hear all the time and i'm sick of it. I've even caught shoplifters who are surprised that i've stopped them because apparently in Eastenders people walk out without paying for things all the time. My friend who owns the chip shop in town has similar problems with gangs of people hanging around all the time expecting a big fight to kick off or free adultery with every piece of cod, the Eastenders producers are ruining our livelihoods"</p>
<p>Estate agents have confirmed a huge rise in the amount of people enquiring about properties for Sale in the imaginary Borough, most of which are let down gently with a referral to a trained therapist.</p>
<p>Some unscrupulous salesmen however have convinced a number of gullible buyers to acquire houses in Watford prompting requests for to the programme makers to add a disclaimer at the start of each episode reminding viewers that it's entirely fictional and also they should always remember to wipe their arses after evacuating their bowels
</p>Duff on ""Gotta go" Has gotta go! Eastenders faces massive shake-up"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=3747#post-10747
Tue, 04 May 2010 18:22:58 +0000Duff10747@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Eastenders stars are said to be furious and terrified over changes that will see the biggest shake-up to the top-rated soap since it first aired over 25 years ago. </p>
<p>The show's new production team have warned cosseted stars that they will have to "up their game significantly" if they are to survive the forthcoming torrid time planned round Albert Square way.</p>
<p>An actor, who can't be named, has revealed the contents of a leaked memo from the show's top brass, that states from July cast members will no longer be appearing in 10 second scenes to deliver simple and easily memorised lines like "gotta go" or "whass gahin on?". It's understood that new guidelines have been given to scriptwriters requesting they write scenes that could last up to at least two minutes, and it's no secret that this will tax some of the young stars on the show to the absolute limit of their abilities.</p>
<p>Not a bit of wonder then that the show's darling and Carry-on veteran, Barbra Windsor, is hanging up her beer towel soon. A show insider told reporters:</p>
<p>"Well, bless her, but at her age the schedule is all getting a bit too much, and with these longer scenes in the offing, then it just makes sense for her to quit when she's still at the top of her game".</p>
<p>It's understood that producers intend to run with the new style show for a few months, but then those who can't hack the new longer scenes format, will most likely be culled in an Emmerdale style blockbusting bloodbath.
</p>StoopyDeGunt on "Booklaunch postponed as celeb author fails to recall newsworthy tragic event"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2362#post-6963
Sun, 11 Apr 2010 20:21:10 +0000StoopyDeGunt6963@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Tragic EastEnders star and reality TV legend Mandy Bellamy was forced to cancel the launch of her blockbuster debut novel, Being Mandy, after she failed to recall a single traumatic event from her past. Without a suddenly remembered stalker horror episode, or a deadbeat dad, or lovechild given up for adoption, publishig experts feared she lacked a substantial enough platform for a publicity push.<br />
Hard working PRs at her publisher, Harper House, had lined up a series of TV and radio appearances, followed by interviews with a fawn of Britain's most sycophantic celeb magazines. But it was all to prove to no avail, as Mandy was unable to fabricate a tragic backstory that might grab the attention of the book buying public. Right up to the last minute, Mandy and her team of advisors had worked tirelessly to create the right tragic event. The original premise was that a stalker had plagued Mandy when she was on East Enders, and she'd battled on regardless, despite getting no support whatsoever from heartless BBC bosses. But, at the last minute, it turned out someone else on the show had recently used that story to publicise their book, and it was too close too much of a co-incidence. It then dawned on Mandy that almost every storyline in the publicity book - such as rejection, tragedy, unrequited love - had already been used by a celebrity to launch a book recently.<br />
"There are millions of celebrity sob stories, but these can all be categorized as one of only seven types," explained a top publicist. "If Mandy was forced to have implants, and subseqently won a modelling contract, that would be a classic example of Mandy Against Nature. But If Mandy had to give a producer a blowjob to launch her showbiz career, that story type would be Mandy Against Bureaucracy."<br />
Tragically, Mandy was unable to think of a single interesting event in her life, prior to becoming an East Enders actress and Reality TV show legend.<br />
Last night brave Mandy braveky joked with reporters about her plight. "My mum said to me, surely Mand, if you've written a novel, you must have some talent for making up stories. Couldn't you think one up?" said Mandy. "Bless her. She just doesn't know this business."</p>
<p>THE END<br />
RE-WRITE LATER </p>
<p> Even the legendary Dr FMS,
</p>TerribleTim on "Eastenders braced for crime upsurge as The Bill faces the axe"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=1563#post-4296
Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:23:35 +0000TerribleTim4296@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>More soon...
</p>ronseal on "Can you remember your first restraining order, asks Radio Broadmoor talkshow DJ"http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=350#post-1034
Tue, 02 Mar 2010 09:47:02 +0000ronseal1034@http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/<p>Peter Sutcliffe, Broadmoor's most successful talk show host, had a record number of responses yesterday, when he asked his audience 'what was your first restraining order'?</p>
<p>Sutcliffe's cerebellum lit up, witnesses said, as voices flooded into his head, jamming lines into the hypothalamus.</p>
<p>'I've never seen anything like it,' said the show's producer. </p>
<p>But Sutcliffe didn't have everything his own way. Although most voices offered supportive messages - 'it's political correctness gone mad' said one - there were some shocks for the notorious killer. Some voices, it seems, were unable to forget Mr Sutcliffe's gruesome past.</p>
<p>'Hello, I'm a researcher for Celebrity Big Brother,' said one voice, 'and we'd love to have you on the next show. We think it would be your chance to put your side of the story. It's in the public interest, and we're not exploiting you, or your victims, in any way at all.'</p>
<p>Another voice claimed to be a producer for a BBC soap opera, who was looking to cast 'The next Dirty Den'.
</p>