I'll See You in My Dreams

Ever since Maddie passed I have hoped each night that I would dream of her. To see her sweet, smiling face once again, even in a dream, would be a great comfort. I have often heard those who have lost a loved one speak of the joy of seeing their beloved in their dreams. In fact, the Beatles’ song “Let It Be,” which Heather and I played at Maddie’s memorial, was written by Paul McCartney the day after he dreamt of his mother who died of breast cancer when he was fourteen.

Unfortunately, until last night I have remembered none of my dreams, and last night’s was, well, bizarre. In it I was a boxer who had trained very hard for a long time in preperation for a boxing match against Sylvester Stallone. When I got to the boxing arena the night of the big fight, however, I was told that I would not be squaring off against Sylvester “Rocky” Stallone, but instead Gary Busey. (Side note: I worked on a film with Busey once, which makes this dream even weirder. Oh, and for the record, Busey is as “unique” as he seems.) I was not happy about having to fight Busey instead of Stallone, but I got into the ring with him nonetheless. Things only got worse…when the bell rung Busey ran up to me kicking instead of punching. I yelled at the referee that he was cheating, that there was no kicking in boxing, but he wouldn’t listen. From here my recollection of what happened sort of fizzles out.

I’m sure all the armchair Carl Jungs out there could have a field day figuring out what that one means. Of course the meaning likely is not that hard to decipher…in my dream I had worked very hard to prepare for a specific future – fighting Stallone in a normal match – but suddenly that future was pulled out from under me without explanation just as my future with Maddie was.

I’m sure I will dream of Maddie before too long, so I won’t sweat it too much. I will, however, request that the dreamweaver, should he be unable to send me a visit from Maddie tonight, at least keeps ol’ Busey out of my dreams.

66 Comments

I found your and your wife’s blogs through Matt Logelin’s site. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.

I lost my Mom to cancer in May 2007. Like you, I was hoping to dream of her, hoping to see her/talk with her one last time, hoping that she would tell me that we did everything we could to help her live.

My first dream didn’t come until months after she died, and it was bizarre, though I did not have to box against a kicking, crazy Busey. Since then she’s visited me a few times, but nothing earth-shattering has occurred in any of the dreams.

My point is that it may be awhile before Maddie visits you. Sometimes I think my Mom waited to come to me in a dream until I started to heal a little and could handle seeing her again, and be able to really listen to what she was saying. I think you’ll find the same thing with Maddie. Until then, sleep tight with memories of her and the wonderful times you had together in her too short life.

I don’t know how you manage to find humor in a time like this, but I have to admit that the Gary Busey thing made me laugh. I would *not* want to find myself in a boxing ring with that whack-a-doo.

I dreamed about my grandmother a month or so after she died. In the dream, she told me something that turned out to be very true in my real life, although I wouldn’t know it for several years. (No, I won’t share what it was. It’s really not important to anyone but me.) I’m generally not into any supernatural or paranormal stuff, but I do believe that it was really my grandmother communicating with me in that dream.

I hope you get a similar visit from Maddie in your dreams very soon. And I hope that it does, in fact, bring you a great deal of comfort.

You break my heart, I am praying Maddie comes to you in your dreams.
There are not enough words to say how sorry Maddie is not curled up next to you sleeping. Know that I snuggle my babies a little harder everytime I think of Maddie.

Allyson/HBMomof2 says:

My heart goes out to you and Heather and the moment to moment loss you must be feeling. My first prayers every night are for you both. I hope for your peace and for Maddie’s legacy to live on with March of Dimes. I loved your post. I hope that Maddie does visit you soon and that Gary Busey stays far, far away and heavily sedated.

barb says:

WOW is about all I can say. I am a mother of two girls 6 and 3. I can’t imagine loosing a daughter at this age. I am in tears that keep streaming down my face while I write this. IT SO UNFAIR>……….I just posted your link on my facebook and told everyone to read your blog if they need a reality check or a slap in the face. We all get so caught up in such stupid things in life, work, waiting to long in lines, traffic…… The things I encounter on a daily life boggle my mind how upset I get and other people get about WHATEVER..Do we realize how lucky we are to be healthy and to have each other. Madeline fought the fight as long as she could. You were lucky to have her in your life. They say everything happens for a reason. I have heard this numerous times in life when I have lost loved ones……..Thats the only thing I can say to you. You may not know the reason until much later in life but she sounds like a bundle of joy life and all the things the world need more of. She came into your life for a reaon and that reason may just be an incredible love experience if nothing else. Hang in there….Cry when you can and get mad at the world. I have lost loved ones and the only thing that helps is time. Time heals. Lots of positive vibes your way. Madeline is up in heaven looking down.. She is at peace and has no pain. She will be your gaurdian angel forever.

I’m a huge believer in the idea that writing (“sharing” if you are a new age hippie) can change us and help us to feel less alone when we’re awash in darkness. Keep writing. There are people out here who care about you and your story and your life and your pain, and we are listening. And we are wishing we could make it better.

I was just writing a post about my dream last night when I saw the tweet regarding this one. It took almost a month or two for my mom to visit in my dreams, but now she comes by often. I am a firm believer in all things metaphysical and she will come by. Right now she is meeting her great grandparents and learning the ropes, give her time to get her sea legs.

Dreaming of Gary Busey?! I’m sure your interpretation was right on… I also got the impression from what I’ve read of you and Heather and beautiful Maddie that she was developing and surely now has the same amazing sense of humor the two of you share – perhaps she was visiting you with that crazy dream after all.

My father died nine years ago. I don’t remember how long it was until he appeared in my dreams. But eventually he did. And the clarity of the dreams is remarkable! And I wake up just as if I had just seen him in real life.

I am sure the dreams will come to you too. And I know that Maddie’s eyes will be just as blue and her eyelashes just as thick.

I am thinking of you all tonight — well I am constantly thinking of Maddie. For a little girl I never met, she sure has changed my life!

I have to tell you I bawled my eyes out when I learned of your little Maddie’s passing. I felt like I had come to know your little family and it was always a joy to read what you and Heather had to say in regards to your beautiful little girl.

Maddie will come with those beautiful blue eyes to see her daddy soon…I just know it!

Ana in Chicago says:

Gale in MN says:

Mike,
Your song for Maddie is beautiful. I come from a different place, my daughters lost their father when they were ages 7 and 2. They are now 32 and 27. My oldest barely remembers her dad and the youngest doesn’t remember him at all. Only through pictures. Your song for Maddie had me bawling because my girls will never know the love a father has for his daughters. When they get married (God willing), no daddy will walk them down the aisle.

After reading yours and Heathers tribute to Maddie I went to my youngest daughter and she held me while I cried my eyes out. She thought I was nuts but didn’t ask me any questions. I am so sorry for you. Words cannot express my shock and sorrow.

Their father comes to me in my dreams often. He tells me it was a mistake and he is still alive. I’ve had this dream countless times and I always feel better when I wake up.

karen says:

My brother in law commit suicide in 2004. The years and months leading up to his death were very hard. Suffering from bi-polar disorder he struggled so much and had a very hard life. He self medicated (along with proper medication) with alcohol and looked pretty gaunt and well… sick for a long time. He’d attempted suicide twice before and the second try almost took him. He was on life support and finally came back to us. He looked like a dead man walking after that. I’ll never forget that. Ever. It was all so very sad. Perhaps about 5-6 months after he died, I dreamt of him. We were playing cards, we were laughing. He’d gained weight, had a sober and rosey glow in his cheeks and his hair was shiny. He was happy. When I woke up, I had this overwhelming sense of peace. I still believe he visited me in my dreams to let me know he was ok. It was extremely comforting.

I hope you see Maddie in your dreams very soon. xo to you and Heather.

Oh, this made me cry… I really don’t have any words to say .. I am just sorry so sorry for your loss. I am praying so much for you and Heather… You are so much in my thoughts and prayers daily…. Maddie was so beautiful and wonderful…

I can understand that completely. Waking up would be hard – but maybe worth it to have that brief time.

I’ve been thinking about you and Heather, and what a physical loss this must be, as well as an emotional one. We’re so physical with little ones, always picking them up, giving them hugs, helping them do things. And I would imagine that there would be this void of contact that was once so constant and second nature. That would be one of the best parts of a dream about your baby. To feel that little hand in yours, the weight of a sleepy head on your shoulder, the soft curls on your cheek.

I don’t think anyone can really understand what you and Heather are going through – even others who have lost a child, since no situation is exactly the same. But I do know that every single one of us wishes that we could give her back to you. Even if it’s just in a dream.

Judy says:

Mike, I can’t even start to know what your feeling, but I lost my Dad just over 3 years ago. I still miss him like it was yesterday, as each day go’s by I find something that makes me think about him. He loved the spring time, so I now look out at the tress as they start to turn green and the flowers start to bloom and just remember how much he loved this time of year and it makes me feel closer to him. I guess what I’m trying to say is just take one day at a time and look at the world as Maddie would be seeing it, just find ways that make you remember her as the bright sunshine that she is. I keep you and Heather in my prayers each and everyday. Wrap you arms around each other and take one day at a time. Prays coming your way.

Your beautiful Maddie was a fighter. You and Heather are fighters, as are all of us praying and pulling for you. We can take down crazy Gary Busey any day! I pray that your little angel visits you very soon.

Liz says:

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and prayed that Maddie came back to you, some how, some way. Your Maddie and your family touched my heart. I have never met you, yet I feel a void knowing Maddie has passed. I can only imagine how large the void must be in your life. Seeing her face, hearing her voice, touching her hand, smelling her baby skin. I will pray you see her soon.

Dina says:

Your writing is so poignant and beautiful. I wish you peaceful and happy dreams. I’ve been so moved beyond words by you and Heather. You are both amazing and strong and Maddie was such a sprarkly little girl. I hope that one day she will have siblings who get to hear and see what an amazing person she was.

tara says:

mike, my heart is aching for you and heather – every day. i’m someone who doesn’t know you, who has been so touched by your story and has cried ocean’s of tears – every day. i’m so sorry you have to go through this. maddie changed my life and you are all in my heart. thinking of you, heather and maddie constantly.

Gretchen says:

I, too, found your blog through Matt Logelin’s site. I read his post about Maddie’s passing and immediately clicked on the link to Heather’s blog. It was so heartbreaking to read about your life with Maddie…knowing how it turned out. I’ve been thinking about your family nonstop and have been crying with you ever since.

When I saw this blog about dreaming of loved ones who have passed, I had to comment. My 17-year old cousin Kayla was killed in a car accident a year and a half ago. It was a few weeks after her death before I was able to dream about her. In one of those dreams, I was sitting at the cemetery by her grave and was looking down, crying. When I looked up, she was sitting next to me. She talked to me about how happy she was (the happiest she’d “even been”) and when she had to leave, she gave me a hug goodbye. Even though it’s been a year since that dream, I remember the feeling of her hair on my face and even the smell of her hair when she hugged me. It was more comforting to me than anything anyone could say or do. I hope that you are able to experience that with Maddie soon.

Hang in there and just remember that there are lots of us strangers pulling for you and Heather.

I definitely agree that the last thing you need right now is Busey in your dreams. That made me laugh.

My father passed away over nine years ago, when I was 26. I am never one to remember dreams, but I can remember some very vivid dreams with him in it that I’ve had over the years. I think it was a while before I dreamt of him – I really don’t remember how long – but even now, he is as real as ever when he visits me in my sleep. I hope sweet Maddie brings sweet dreams to you soon. xo from CT

Alexis says:

I think you’re in for the fight of your life right now, trying to figure out how to go on, and Maddie’s way too early exit is as f*ed up as Busey. But she’ll come to you, and I really think it’ll bring a lot of comfort. Like a lot of others who’ve commented, I’ve been visited and comforted by dreams of friends and family that’ve gone on. Sometimes, I know I’m just having a dream, and that’s not a bad thing, but other times, I know it’s something different, and those help heal up my heart. Like everyone who’s come across your and Heather’s blogs, I’ve fallen so hard for Maddie. Her life, in 17 short months, has mattered so much. Thanks for continuing to write–you have no idea how much it means to so many.

I admire your strength and willingness to share your feelings. It’s inspiring even under these current circumstances.

When you and Heather are ready Mike, you will know what to do with all the things that have accumulated in you home for Maddie…and there are so many things I am sure…
Make an area in your home dedicated to Maddie and her memory. Whether it be shelf, corner…and choose things that have significant memories and build an place for her, no matter how big or small. I’m sure seeing her things comes with many emotions, and feeling is part of being.

I would be honored to make a quilt for you and Heather, with things such as blankets and clothes that were Maddie’s…A Maddie Quilt…it is one way to keep her close…and I am completely 100% serious about this…whether you contact me tomorrow or a year from now…the offer stands…and it would truly be an honor.

Take the days as they come. Find security and peace in things you do have and go from there…one step at a time.

One of my best friends, John, says dreams are the brain running a de-frag. I normally agree. I think the dreams of Maddie WILL come. They take them. I know this will make me sound weird, but give me a second and try not to roll your eyes at the crazy lady. I really do believe that the lost loved ones who come to you in dreams are their spirit. I think Maddie is probably busy with heaven processing (can you imagine all the people there who’d love to get their hands on her??) and when she’s made it through her processing and you’ve finished running your brain defrag, she’ll be there and you’ll be able to talk to each other and reach out. When my Mom passed, I had dreams of her. We sat face to face and she’d look deeply into my eyes and tell me insistently that she was okay. I don’t think that was a coincidence.

elismsue says:

Maddie will come.
Be patient. After I lost loved ones, they didn’t come in dreams until after those unexplainable moments during the bright day hours, that I felt their presence. Those moments are so unexpected, so bizarre in a way that sometimes it takes my breath away. Sometimes they bring a tear, but mostly a little, knowing smile to my face. Sometimes it is like a whisper and other times it’s like they are present, walking with me by my side. These daytime instances are more common with those that I loved who went suddenly, like Maddie. It’s like they are TELLING me they are ok.
Maddie will come.

Mary says:

Mike,
I checked in on your site with the intent of leaving a comment to let you know you and Heather are in my thoughts each day, even though I don’t know you in real life. I saw this post and I immediately said to myself, “I felt exactly the same way!!” My husband died last year two weeks after our daughter was born. I went to sleep every night just HOPING he would show up. I wish we could get them to come to us and have conversations. When he did show up, it wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for. I’d love to tell you things get easier. Everyone says that. I don’t believe anyone who says that. How could they know? Maddie is with you, though, I truly believe that. Remember what Heather told you, you will always be her daddy.

i just recently started following yours and your wifes blogs. i am so sorry for your loss, but am so glad to read this entry about maddie visiting you in your dreams. i truely believe that those we love who have passed, come to visit us in our dreams, if you are open to it. my grandmother has visited me several times since she passed unexpectedly 4 years ago. she came to “see” me (what i call it) a couple of days after she passed and we sat in a beautiful park and talked. i have had visits from her where we hug and laugh together and catch up. it is such a comforting thing to have in my life. they are random visitatons from her, i never know when she will come see me. i believe maddie will come see you in your dreams. your time with her is not over.

marcy says:

When my dad lost his battle with cancer two years ago the last thing I told him was that I’ll see him in my dreams. Around two months later I was in the middle of dreaming I was on some kind of antique gold guided cruise ship, walking down a long hallway toward the next destination. Everyone was dressed in top hats and tails and other sorts of Great Gatsby attire except for me. I suddenly felt an arm slip through mine and when the stranger pulled up the brim of his hat I could see it was my dad, perfectly healthy, and laughing at my total surprise. He’s shown up a few times here and there since and he is well, smiling, and worry free. Most of the time he pops up and surprises me and then laughs at my response before showing me around whatever bizarre-o dream sequence I’m in as if he’s lived there his whole life. I wake up from these dreams with such an amazing sense of calm, balance and peace. I used to believe that dreams were simply the mind’s equivalent of moving furniture– or sorting things out and organizing them– but I can’t help but realize that if my dad were to visit me he would choose just this way. I can’t help but believe in the soul in light of these dreams finding their way to me.

I hope that you see your little girl– I think she will find you when you’re ready, and I’m certain that it will be a beautiful experience.

I will offer you a story. A very good of mine passed away over two years ago. On the 2nd anniversary of his death, I was in a convenience store and heard a soft voice say, “Excuse me.” This gentleman went on to ask me if I knew of any local places to eat within walking distance. There weren’t any so the man smiled and said, “Oh well, I’ll just have some dinner in my rig then.” He gestured toward his “dinner,” a ginormous microwave burrito as big as my head and Bud Light – the exact things my friend used to eat and drink when we would work late.

As I was driving down the highway, I was telling my date, now my boyfriend about my friend, the burrito, and the Bud Light, when a shooting star flew across the sky.

Its a song, a flower, a bird, a star, its something special and your Madeline will let you know, in her way and in her time, that she is eternal and that love never dies.

Kathy says:

Mike – it will happen. It took 6 months for me to have a dream about my lost loved one, and I wished for it so long and so bad. When i finally had it, it was the best dream i ever had in my life. The lost loved one was my father, and when I asked him why it took so long, he told me that my sisters needed him more. I promise it will happen, and it will make you so happy. You can tell her everything and she will listen, just like I did with my dad.

Ashekt says:

I want to share my story with you all. I lost my Mom in a terrible and sudden road accident this year in Feb. She is the one I love the most in this world and will always do so. Not a single day has passed when I have not cried my hear out for her. I can never imagine my life without her. She is the best Mom in this whole world (I avoid using past tense for her!!) and I know how much she adores me. My mere sight would bring smile on her face. I still remember each thing that has happened to me since the time I heard this news and could not believe all what I saw. From the very first day, I never accepted this fact. I kept saying to myself that she will come back to me, she has to. I saw her in dreams many a time from that fateful day. Those are not normal dreams and they do tell me something. The common theme across those dreams is babies. I feel as if she listens to me, recently I said to her that she do not talk much to me in my dreams and to my surprise she visited me and we did talk a lot and the amazing thing about this dream was that she was sitting at my bedside table where I keep her picture while sleeping. I know she is around me and there are lot many others things that make me believe in it firmly. The best dream I had about her was when I held her hand and said you will have to come back to me and she said yes and then I again said not for a short time but forever and she said yes she will come back to me forever. I have a feeling that she will be soon have a rebirth as my baby. I saw a baby in the very first dream I had of her. I know it might sound absurd but it is not impossible. She knows I cannot live without her. Presently I am alive not living and my love for her will bring her back. She will live her life again and can complete all her unfinished tasks. I keep interpreting my dreams and they all give me very positive signals about her.

Al_Pal says:

*sniff* I had to take several breaks from reading this to wipe away my tears.
I’m confident that Maddie will visit you, and that you’ll have good dream time together. Dreams of loved ones gone are a comfort, for true.
My thoughts are with you and Heather.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful little girl with all of us. May I suggest .. Before you go to sleep some night, just ask them (those in the fifth dimension)… just ask them to let you hold her one last time. And you’ll have a dream and it will seem so real …. you can feel, you can touch, and you will get to hold her one last time, but unfortunately only one last time. And you’ll then know that love transcends death and dimensions, but then you already know that. Take care.

Amy says:

My mother passed away almost five years ago. We were very close.
I would like to share this message with you.

I to wished to dream of her. If only I could see her in my dreams, it would help me miss her less. Each night I would pray “please let tonight be the night I need to see her again”.

It was during a moment like that when I had an overwhelming feeling.
A feeling that my mom was telling me that when a person who is living, is to close to the deceased, the deceased cannot visit until the person has started living there life again.
It’s part of the philosophy that be careful what you wish for, it may come true.

I can only imagine how much you want and need to see your daughter.
In time she will come, when you are better able to handle things emotionally.

That was the message I got.
As soon as this thought occurred to me, it made me deal with my grief differently, in the hope that perhaps I could be ready to visit with my mom in my dreams, yet still manage my grief by day.

I hope you find some comfort in my story. I am supposed to share it with you, or I would never have ended up on your page.
How I ended up here…. I was searching for the meaning of my dream last night.
I was pregnant a few months back and lost my baby.
Last night I dreamt that I met him for the first time. It was so real. I woke up this morning and cried. I cry as I write this now.

May the grace of god be with you.
In the quiet when all is still, let your heart strings play, in that you will open yourself, absorb the feelings, look deeply within yourself, in that stillness of quiet and sorrow, there you will find the road to open your soul to the communication you are searching so hard for.