The episode begins with Jess going to CeCe's for their annual birthday ritual of cake, "Clueless" on VHS, and towel prom dresses. This birthday was awesome at 14, but as an adult, CeCe wants to go out and rage with her model friends aka the Nadia the girl from last season who repeatedly said "Mick Mous" instead of Mickey Mouse. Jess agrees to go to be a good friend.

While at the club in her best promising ballerina-turned-streetwalker outfit, Jess tries to fit in with all of CeCe's friends. She puts in a concerted effort, for CeCe, but, really, one can only take being compared to a Russian cartoon monkey for so long.

With that, Jess tells them all they are dumb, racist toward Romanians (which she is 1/8), and that they are all making CeCe stupider. This is a television show, so clearly CeCe hears Jess, which should lead to a heated argument, right? Well, kind of.

Jess follows CeCe out of the club, and tries to explain to her that CeCe is too smart to model. CeCe says that Jess is jealous and blah blah blah they get into a boob fight! Anytime you fight with someone who has known you all of your life, each of you will inevitably revert into 10-year-olds, pull hair, bring up things from middle school (aka stuffing of bras), and yes, boobs will get slapped.

The next day, with her chest feeling like she fell face forward on a treadmill, Jess realizes she and CeCe need to talk and work things out. Well, that might have worked if CeCe didn't drink her feelings after Jess left.

Jess tries to go into bff mode and put her to bed, but ever the professional CeCe insists that she must go to work. Jess goes with CeCe to her Ford Fusion car show (nice product placement Fox!), where CeCe quickly realizes a turning pedestal will not agree with her hangover. Jess volunteers to stand in her place, and well let's just say adorkability can't save this car show, but it does save their friendship.

The Cookie & The Monster

I love when the boys get to have just a plain silly story for the night, and tonight did not disappoint. In the midst of asking Schmidt if he can buy a turtle, the thinking-man's best friend, Schmidt says no and hands Nick a cookie. Why? Just because. He was thinking about Nick, saw the cookie, and thought, "Hey, Nick Miller would like that cookie."

Nick puts on his Clint Eastwood grimace mid-bite, and tells Schmidt he never thinks about him because he is a man and men don't think about other men unless they are Jay Cutler.

To Nick surprise, Schmidt is actually hurt. Winston sides with Schmidt, because havening known Nick his whole life, he knows that Nick is unable to reciprocate normal human emotion. Also Nick never wishes Winston a good night. Ever.

Nick doubts his ability to be a friend, and whether he deserves Schmidt as a friend, so he buys Schmidt a cookie and breaks it into pieces to look like the Star of David. He then admits that he doesn't really need a turtle, because Schmidt is already his turtle. (I'm comparing this to the Lobster episode of "Friends." If you don't get that, you probably don't understand half of the references in these recaps, and I feel sorry for you.)

The moral of the story is, you can't hide who you are from your best friends. They know you better than you know yourself, which means when you get into stupid fights, be prepared to fight like a bunch of immature idiots.

With that I leave you with some of the classic lines of the night:

"We go party tonight. Let dogs out. Catch gypsy." -- Nadia is back and her English is worse than ever.

"You want to mama bird me the cookie?" -- Schmidt after Nick says he wants to throw up the cookie into Schmidt's mouth.

"What is the problem, Nick? Do you not want me to have a good night?" -- Winston grilling Nick on his lack of emotions.

"Did you guys watch porn together again? Why did you do that, it's always awkward!" -- Jess wondering why they boys are giving each other the cold shoulder.

If you’re one of the hundreds of thousands of Grateful Dead fans who got shut out of tickets for the band’s 50th anniversary shows July 3-5 in Soldier Field, promoter Peter Shapiro has some good news for you.

Conan O'Brien entertains hundreds of thousands of people each year. On a recent clandestine trip to Cuba, however, the TBS latenight host had to please just one - and for several harrowing minutes, thought he had failed.

Steven Dietz's play "Yankee Tavern" is a cleverly self-protected piece of writing, a deconstruction of 9/11 conspiracy theories that also airs a good number of them, ranging from the spike in the short-selling of stock in United and American Airlines on Sept. 10, 2001, to the guy who claimed to...

The good news for die-hard Deadheads who got shut out of the Grateful Dead's reunion concerts July 3-5 at Soldier Field when tickets went on sale over the weekend: Tickets are showing up in droves on the secondary market.