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Popular new comic David Mitchell must make a buttock-clenchingly awful British film soon, says convention

Friends of comic David Mitchell, excited by his success and soaring popularity, are urging him to take make the next crucial step in the path of a UK comedy hero: to make a buttock-clenchingly awful ‘heart-warming British movie’.

Mitchell, who struggled for years before becoming an ‘overnight sensation’, has a rare quality among British comics, say comedy experts.

Unlike his fellow comedy game-show panellists, he is successful without being irritating or cocky, and Mitchell’s intelligence and modesty have endeared him to the British public. ‘Surely a Carry On version of ‘Three and Out’ must be next,’ said one industry insider.

‘Mitchell has to make a god-awful British film. And soon,’ he said. ‘It doesn’t have to be as bad as Confetti, or that Lesbian Vampire Killers. But he has to get something shit down on celluloid,’ said the anonymous director of ‘The Boat that Rocked’.

Other friends of Mitchell say he fears the film might be given rave reviews. Experts say this is only natural. ‘The film, no matter how depressing, will be hailed as a comic masterpeice when it comes out, and by the very people who will later turn nasty,’ said one insider. ‘Its posters will contain one-line eulogies from luminaries such as the film reviewers of Maxim, GQ and The Daily Star.’

‘But don’t be fooled by that,’ said the comedy expert, ‘the film will be torture. I promise you you’d rather be waterboarded by the CIA than watch Sex Lives of the Potato Men.’