How to Get Out of Things You Don’t Want to Do

These are my personal favorites amongst others; all of which I have seen in action, strange as they may sound. That is not to say that they work, mind you, but they just happen to be the best at being average.

#1: I’m on my period. This is a good, all-around excuse for everything. Don’t want to run the mile in gym class? I’m on my period. Don’t want to go buy fruit at the market for your mom? I’m on my period. Women will feel empathetic and men won’t want to hear another word about it. It’s perfect! (Unless you happen to be a guy in which case…it won’t be very useful. Actually, I change my mind. If you are a guy, USE THIS EXCUSE. And then tell me about it. If it does any good I want to know!)

#2: The Swine Flu. Another great, all-round excuse. I’m sorry I can’t go to your birthday party, I have the Swine Flu. Sorry dad, can’t go to school today, Swine Flu. This might have been a better excuse for a few years back but it still freaks people out. Nobody wants to be around someone with a flu that comes from a pig (even if it technically doesn’t). Scary stuff right there!

#3: Spontaneous combustion. Do you have your science project? No, it just blew up, literally, and it wasn’t even a volcano! Finally an excuse that allows you to tell people that stuff is detonating at random. It’s scientifically theorized, you didn’t make it up, so who’s to say whatever you’re talking about didn’t just explode?!

#4: My toaster doesn’t work. I’m not sure what to say about this one, it isn’t useful for very many things. Or maybe it’s useful for a lot of things. I’m not sure. Like I said, I’ve seen them all in practice, but I can’t say this was one that ended up being very successful…

#5: Locusts ate it. Screw dogs! Dogs are so last year. This is 2012, the world is supposed to end in December. What’s a better excuse than a plague of locusts came down on your house and ate your homework?! If you ask me, this one was a long time coming!

#6: Pretend to hallucinate. I have two words for this one: Go Crazy. The scarier the better. No one wants to confront a crazy person.

#7: Pretend you cannot speak English. This is a well-known excuse that works well with strangers; especially if you have your friends help you out. Let’s say you don’t want to speak to this one specific person—I don’t know why, that’s your business—you can just pretend you don’t understand them and walk away. It’s also fun to do over the phone, just recall that most people have Caller ID so they can read your area code. If you think of a creative way to get around that, have at it.

#8:I have a doctor’s appointment. This is not the most entertaining of the excuses but it is one of the most undervalued. No one ever questions a doctor’s appointment, so why not use it? I think people just don’t see it’s worth because it’s so ordinary—some may say average. (Ooh.)

#9: I was pick pocketed. This is great if you owe someone money; tell them you can’t pay them back because someone stole your wallet. Unless it’s a loan shark. Then pay him. Or die.

#10:Mime. If you can’t speak then you can’t talk to people. Not to mention it’s kind of like the hallucinating thing, nobody wants to deal with crazy. Plus mimes are totally awesome. They’re silent clowns with cooler make-up and a sense of style. Righteous!

So, here they are, my top ten ways of getting out of things you don’t want to do; I think they’re pretty great myself. I’m not sure how often I would use them, but you can’t say they’re not entertaining.