Monogamy works well for some but not others. Social status, religion, race, sexual orientation, and political philosophy don’t matter. Honesty, openness, love, commitment, communication, patience, and egalitarianism do.
Here I pass along what I’ve learned and teach at events on common challenges polyamorists encounter and their practical remedies, along with thoughts on related subjects such as community organizing, activism, and sexual freedom. Feel free to comment – and welcome!

Monday, April 28, 2008

I've just come across these clever dating status buttons, the creation of a guy named Michael Whitehouse. They pretty much cover the gamut, i.e. straight/bi/les/gay, mono/poly, and best of all, available/unavailable. You can get the code to put one on your blog or webpage, and you can also order real ones. Here's mine:

Sunday, April 27, 2008

This week I received my copy of Loving More's new issue #38, which I'm very excited about. My friend, Alan, over at Polyamory in the News, has written a wonderful review of it, and rather than reinvent the wheel myself with a review that would be no better, I enthusiastically refer you to him.

Alan does an amazing job posting and categorizing all kinds of polyamory media events on his blog. He's a wonderful asset to the polyamory community and to LovingMore, where he is an advisor. So while you are there, have a look around.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It occurs to me as I look at recent posts to this blog that I may be creating the impression that polyamory is all about sex, sex, sex, and that it would be appropriate for me to put that in proper perspective. Certainly many who don't know much about polyamory assume that this is all that we are about. Not so, not at all. We polyamorists first and foremost value and invest time and attention in our relationships. We pretty much have to if we want to keep them healthy. In reality, most polyamorists don't consider sex to be any more or less important to their relationships than monogamous people do.

The source of the sexual aspects of what you are seeing on this blog is my perspective on sex positivity and sexual freedom. It is largely based on the destructive, sex-negative thinking and messaging with which I was raised in the Bible belt. It set the stage for huge problems in both of my marriages and required not a little therapy to overcome in order to fully integrate sex and love in a way that enables me to nurture healthy intimate relationships. I am certainly not alone in my rejection of sex-negativity and embracing of sex-positivity. Many polyamorists choose to do the same, often for similar reasons.

For those who may be new to the idea of polyamory, this much sexual focus can raise concerns about just what they might be getting themselves into. Few if any of us are conditioned to think about sex in a positive way, and this much sexual freedom can feel overwhelming when first encountered. The task of getting one's head around how to conduct simultaneous multiple intimate, open, ethical and loving relationships is a challenge in and of itself, especially in the beginning.

Rest assured that you need not jump in with both feet. Consider your inquiries into polyamory to be explorational in nature. Take one step at a time, evaluate after each one, and don't think you must do anything you aren't ready to do or choose not to do. You certainly don't have to attend sex-focused events like Free Spirit Sacred Sexuality Beltane and Dark Odyssey to be polyamorous or to connect with poly community. Most local poly communities have social gatherings in restaurants and private homes where no sex takes place. Many regional poly gatherings, such as camping events, involve no nudity or sexual activites and are entirely family-friendly. You can bring the kids.

If you consider yourself a sex-positive person or would like to learn more about what sex-positivity looks like in action, you may wish to check out these fabulous events when you feel ready to do so. Certainly their organizers and volunteers work very hard to make them the incredible experiences that they are, and we who live in the mid-Atlantic region are fortunate indeed to have them happen so close by.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Every year I look forward to Free Spirit Beltane. This will be my fifth FSB, and there will be more than 300 people attending. (Adults only.) It's the only event of it's kind in the US. It happens in a secluded summer camp setting where clothing is optional and everyone interested in respectfully learning, observing, participating, or just being in sex-positive, sensual and spiritual space is welcome. There will be bonfires and drumming at night, rituals, and a Maypole dance. Poly people, kinky people, swingerfolk, pagan people, and tantrikas will all be in attendance.

The origin of the Beltane tradition is pre-Christian fertility rituals during which the Goddess was called upon to bless the fields and make them fertile, thus providing food in abundance in the coming growing season. I imagine more than a few babies were also born nine months later.

Erotic Writing and ExperiencesBlow by blow (1) Door Number Two Fellatrices: Phantom Blowjob Flight of Fantasy Fun at glory hole Gay Threesome Good Friday Is there a polite way to ask a girl… Reawakening the Temptress…It Must Be Spring So long Sometimes it pays to love the one your with Teasing… Therapy To Avoid Waste, One Must Be Profligate An Unnecessary Journey

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

This chapter in the story of Marilyn's life/exploitation seems pertinent here from a sexual freedom point of view. How cool that this man paid so much money for something he intends to keep private out of respect for Marilyn. As to the jaded quote with the picture, this is yet another glimpse of what her life must have been like at times.

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"A copy of a sex film featuring Marilyn Monroe before her rise to fame has been sold to a New York businessman for $1.5 million, according to the New York Post.

But will it ever see the light of day?

The Post reported that the black and white movie -- 15 minutes of 16mm film -- appears to have been made in the 1950s."

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I came across the following in my email archives. Since it happened on 6-6-06 (666? hmmm....) and predates my establishing this blog, I'm posting it FYI. At the time this happened, the amendment to the constitution to make sure marriage is only between one man and one woman was being debated.

The following are the words of ultra conservative, presidential hopeful Republican Kansas senator Sam "Chicken Little" Brownback. What's interesting about them besides the fact that someone actually used the word polyamory in a senate debate is that he's using alarmist tactics to galvanize the Senate to act to "protect" marriage. I'm very well connected to the polyamory activist community, and there is no poly marriage movement waiting until same-sex marriage is legalized to stake out its claim - this assertion is nothing more than typical Washington political posturing.

A lot of polyamorists have no desire to be legally married to their partners. I personally have advocated for getting the government out of marriage for a long time now.

Brownback: There is another argument I want to further develop while my colleagues are coming to the floor; that is, this one on ``slippery slope.'' People say this is one that isn't going to happen. It is not going to develop. Yet I think the legal pedigree is there for a slippery slope to develop. Some will be recognizing different groups that have stepped forward already to say that if two people of the same sex can be married, why can't there be additional people? What is the legal bias against having more than two people in a marital arrangement? This even has a term now, polyamorist. They have already had one court case trying to gain recognition for a marriage of a woman and two men. They say in some of their advocacy that they are waiting for same-sex marriage to pass to begin agitation to legalize more than two people getting married.

If you think that is not going to happen, you had the minority opinion in the Supreme Court case that recognized that, what is your legal basis of stopping that, too, if it can be two men or two women? Why is it only two? That is what this group is starting to agitate for. They are saying that granting same-sex marriage is supported on equal protection grounds. How is the court going to deny them? There are plenty of polyamorists out there.

The problem goes further. We have an advocacy group called the Alternatives to Marriage Project which supports polyamory and other innovations to parental cohabitation. The Alternatives to Marriage Project is quoted frequently in the mainstream media. Believe it or not, some of the most powerful factions of family law scholars in the law schools favor legal recognition of both polyamory and parental cohabitation. Even law review articles have been published advocating for both. Again, they argue that if two men can get married and two women can get married, if this is an equal protection argument, why is it limited to just two? What is the legal basis or foundational basis in society for this?

I raise that as a point because this area of law is starting to develop. Even the influential American Law Institute came out with proposals that would grant nearly equal recognition to cohabitation. So this is developing in the law.

I raise these items as issues knowing that some people will scoff at it. You can look at what happened in the world in the past year or so as well. Sweden passed the first same-sex partnership plan in the world and had serious proposals floated by parties on the left to abolish marriage and legalize multipartner unions. So this is out there and it is one of those things we should watch.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Author and Village Voice columnist Tristan Taormino has launched a brand new website in anticipation of the release of her new book May 1. OpeningUp.net is a website for people interested in open relationships of all kinds, including monogamy with benefits, nonmonogamy, partnered nonmonogamy, swigning, polyamory, polyfidelity, solo polyamory, mixed orientation marriages, and other relationships styles beyond monogamy. It features a blog, an extensive resource guide, message boards, and the Open List, a list of professionals (therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, consultants, relationship and life coaches, doctors, lawyers, etc.) who are experienced and knowledgeable about alternative sexuality, lifestyles, and relationships. Check it out!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Today Voice of America is broadcasting a news story on the Eldorado, Texas FLDS compound raid in which I appear for one soundbite. This past Monday on a conference call some of we poly spokespeople discussed and acknowledged that there might be media interest in the polyamorous perspective on this story. It didn't take long. First thing Wednesday morning I had an e-mail from the reporter, Carolyn Presutti, asking for comments on how polyamorous families compare and contrast to FLDS polygamous families.

The only place to see this news story is on the VOA website at the link above. Some of you boomers may recall hearing about VOA broadcasting behind the iron curtin during the cold war. They're still getting the news out, these days on TV, the radio and via internet streaming video to 45 countries around the world where this story will be translated and broadcast.

Hopefully I got it right and managed to demonstrate how it is that polyamorous relationships and religion-based polygamous ones are equally viable if all involved are consenting adults. (My comments emphasizing that polyamorists tend to value egalitarianism were not included). VOA did include my statement that our community would certainly speak out against any child abuse of the same sort it might learn of in a polyamorous family. I'm satisfied that the right balance was found.

Many thanks to VOA's Carolyn Presutti for doing a great job. For an excellent discussion on the differences between polyamory and polygamy, see my friend Cherie's essay.

This has been a pretty fabulous week for me. Four things happened that made it that way.

Tuesday night my partner Jim's partner, L, stopped by with her partner, J2, who was passing through town on business. I'd never met J2, who lives in western North Carolina, but I'd heard tons about him. So, it was lovely to finally put a face and personality with the name. We extroverts especially love this sort of thing. For the record, L and I are dear friends and family but are not romantically involved. Such is the stuff of a polyamorous intimate network. (WARNING: I'm a native of east Tennessee, and therefore my blood runs orange - if you have no interest in hearing me rave about the Lady Vols, click here for the rest of the post - even though you'll be missing a GREAT story.)

That same evening the University of Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team beat the Stanford women's team in Tampa to win the national championship for the second year in a row, making it coach Pat Summit's eighth during her tenure at UT. Thanks to Candace Parker's gifted teammates, a win in this game didn't hinge on phenom Parker (middle of the picture below).

Candace played most of the game but was hard pressed to contribute a top notch performance due to a recent shoulder dislocation. Pat Summitt's coaching magic was afoot, and the rest of the team - incredibly accomplished themselves - stepped up and did themselves and Vol fans everywhere proud. 5'2" Shannon "Little Bit" Bobbitt scored 13 points including two three pointers, and Nicky Anosike added 12 points, eight rebounds and six steals.

Fresh off winning her second straight NCAA title, on Wednesday Candace Parker was selected by the Los Angeles Sparks with the first pick in the WNBA draft. (Sorry, I just can't move on with the week without gushing some more about Candace Parker.) Two tourney Most Outstanding Player awards. Two Player of the Year awards. Three-time All-American. Academic All-American of the Year. And a spot on the 2008 Olympic team. Off the court, the savvy 22-year-old has a Madison Avenue smile. Charisma and street cred. A slam-dunk title. A sports-marketing degree coming in May. A supportive family. A fiancé, Shelden Williams, who plays for the Sacramento Kings and an older brother, Anthony, who plays for the Toronto Raptors. Oh, and a spot in People magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People.
Whew! Yep, I'm a fan of Candace Parker. OK, raving over.

On Wednesday tall, beautiful, C and I had a lovely dinner at Luna Del Sea in Baltimore followed by the Carrie UnderwoodKeith Urban concert. Wow, what talent. Underwood is excellent, but Urban just blew me away - he is an incredibly gifted guitar player. It was well worth the $90 cost of a ticket. And of course everyone swooned when Keith dedicated a song to his lovely, lovely, pregnant (and alas, very absent) wife, Nicole Kidman, on whom I've had a crush or years. Now I'm crushing on both of them. Of course, I am a polygirl!

Today Voice of America is broadcasting a piece on the Eldorado, Texas FLDS compound raid in which I have a soundbite. I was contacted Wednesday morning with the interview request. See more on this with a link to the video in my next post.

So how much fun can a polygirl have if a polygirl can have fun??? Lots!

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Polyamorous Misanthrope has just posted an excellent piece on communication. She does a great job of keeping a heavy subject from being too heavy by explaining in a light and mildly amusing manner the emotional facts as to why communication matters so very much, especially in polyamorous relationships. I enthusiastically recommend it.

Anita's Liberal Identity:

According to this fun test, I am a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. I am a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.