We are renovating a house at the moment, which means I am paying a lot of attention to all the cool new home stuff I see on the internet and in magazines. I have puzzled over this ad for the Samsung Family Hub refrigerator on more than one occasion. Perhaps you have seen it, too.

At first I thought the fridge had a big glass window in it, but that is soooo yesterday, and looks like this.

because I keep my fridge, like my closet, arranged by color and expiration date

Upon closer study I realized that the large rectangle on the Samsung door is actually a computer screen, because no one gets enough screen time these days. According to the ad I saw in Bon Appetit magazine,

It has built-in cameras that take a photo every time the doors close, so you always know what you have and what you’re missing.

Oh yes it does! Three cameras, in fact, that snap photos every time the doors close. The idea, I gather, is that when you are at the grocery store you can use your handy-dandy fridge app to study the contents of your fancy new fridge. For instance, the person holding the phone in the ad is saying something like

“Oh snap! I almost forgot I have that entire pink frosted layer cake I made yesterday, so no need to pick up popsicles for dessert!”

My fridge, on the other hand, looks like this on any given day.

There is no phone smart enough to tell me what’s lying beneath that foil, whether the milk is curdling, if that is a lime or a moldy lemon in the “no longer crisper” drawer, or why in hell there is a jalapeno in the wine bottle holder. Even if I could view the contents of my refrigerator from afar, I would be even more bewildered than by what I see when standing right in front of it. Lids must be opened. Produce must be handled. Foil must be gingerly peeled back at arm’s length. Restaurant boxes must be closely examined for any sign of life. Sometimes all of this needs to be done while donning a Haz-Mat suit. Appliances have clearly evolved beyond my own food-keeping skills. That said, I am pretty impressed that my ancient refrigerator still sports its fancy “Whirlpool Designerstyle” sticker on the door. I have always been into labels.

But wait- there’s more. This refrigerator doesn’t merely take selfies. No, for around $6000 you get A LOT more.

This refrigerator also posts notes and photos!

What happened to post-it notes? Or tacky magnets from summer vacations? Or good old scotch tape that leaves a permanent track of grey adhesive on the door forever? If those old Kodak photos don’t go on the fridge, what the heck to do we do with them all?

The Samsung Family Hub can also stream music and order groceries for delivery, two functions that can be done on the smart phone, which takes up a lot less room in your kitchen. But when it can actually put those delivered groceries away, let me know.

Come on, Samsung- where is the wine, the take-out boxes, the crusty mustard jars? If my fridge looked like this, I guess I would want multiple pictures of it on my phone. But until then, I’ll just have to keep guessing what I have and what I’m missing. And why the jalapeno is hanging out with the wine bottle.