March 30, 2014

What do you do when you're not feeling yourself?

Do you eat? Sleep? Run? Cry?

I can't eat because I'm trying to diet. I can't sleep all day because I have work. I don't run because I'm exercise-averse. I can't cry because... I don't know, the tears just won't come to me. So I don't know what I'm going to do.

I haven't been feeling myself for a while. The entire month has been a blur of low self-esteem. I hadn't even realized that payday was only a few days away: that's how disconnected I've been.

Work has been really crazy lately so there's not much time for self-pity. I go through work like a robot: interviews in the morning, call-outs in the afternoon, paperwork in between. Don't get me wrong, I like my job. But I'm missing my spark, my self.

Last night I just completely broke down and started crying for hours. I feel sorry for my boyfriend, who sees me through all my constant lows. Especially now, I'm beginning to worry that I'm not good enough for anyone. Him and my friends have shown me support, kindness, encouragement, and praise, and I feel guilty that they are all such sweet people and I'm just this piece of shit who constantly rags on herself.

I feel small, like the entire world is swallowing me whole. There's nothing left to do but to keep pushing forward and hope that this will get better.

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the thief

This neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie is Ela, an obnoxious oddball who is always looking for the next fresh start. She's a self-confessed geek who prefers fiction to reality. You can usually find her pretending to be a well-adjusted person. Contact her for your daily dose of annoyance.