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I feel worthless as if everything I’ve ever tried to accomplish has fallen through the cracks. I’ve lost time and money but mostly time. Time I can’t get back and I just want to scream and cry and just give up.

I don’t even know what to call the title on this frustration I’m putting out.

I deny the fact that I am upset by it telling anyone. I walk around as if everything is okay and cover it up with, “I’m just tired.” So that I can just go back to the bathroom, my sanctuary, go into the shower and cry. It’s the only place where I can hide my tears without even Noticing that I’ve dropped a bucketful of it.

So, in the past year since 2018, I had decided to challenge myself and have started changing my lifestyle. In the beginning of 2018, I decided to start taking a class taught by a fitness trainer by the name of Angel Chelik. I have learned to admire her and her lessons has changed my life. From eating habits to understanding how to effectively exercise, I am proud to say that I have lost 11 pounds and counting. It’s not as fast as most people, and that’s because I didn’t want to lose it too fast. I was so tired of being told what I can and cannot do in my life just because I had a heart attack. I was being limited on what I can eat and the type of activities and exercise my body can possible handle. At 38 years old, I wanted to change. It is now 2019 and I am continuing to move forward. In 2018, I was challenged with a Sugar Detox diet where I could not have any form of sugar for 2 weeks. Honestly, I didn’t completely sacrifice my sugars, but I did change to alternatives. I no longer crave for the regular white sugar or coffee creamer with the different flavors, but rather I use natural honey. Sometimes, I can just go completely sugar free and not use any at all. I don’t even crave for ice cream, cake, or candies and bread! Those are all treats and I have learned to enjoy them when the occasion arises, but only for special days.

For this year, I have just learned about Dr. Cromwell Esselsytn’s Monel Chemical Senses study where you can repair your arteries in just 3 weeks and be heart attack free… HEART ATTACK FREE!!!! This has brought new light to me and I am so excited. I have lived in fear and have heard that fruits and vegetables are good for you, but the way he presented it in his video, “Make Yourself Heart Attack Proof,” I am motivated to move forward and set myself free from this fear. This video was published 9 years ago! And I’m just hearing it now.

In my class with Angel, I had shared my story about my heart attack. I have also write it as part of my introduction on this site. Below is a discussion post that I had written in response to my teacher’s assignment this semester:

My name was HERE…. =)

Health 101-507

Professor Soler

January 15, 2019

Research (Heart Disease)

Dr. Esselstyn said that Coronary Artery Disease never existed. He also stated that cardiovascular is something that’s not often reported on the news, because it’s such a common disease that locals would rather hear something different than such as a man getting the West Nile disease versus a man having a heart attack. According to one of his surveys, 1 out of 2 males and 1 out of 3 females will experience some type of heart disease in the course of their life. Causes of heart disease includes what we eat, our age, and our environment.

Pathobiological determinant atherosclerosis of the young. In this study, the person died from accidents and suicides which range from 16 to 34 with cardiac disease.

In WWII, Germany overran Poland and Belgium and in Norway, took away their sheep goat cattle and their livestock. Studies showed that in Norway, the death rate from cardiovascular disease started to go down between 1939 when their meat and dairy was taken away. A Belgium pathologist, named Piccard, told his students that the plaques were back.

The following nations by nature, culture and tradition who lives off a plant based diet are: Rural china, Papua highlanders, central Africa, Tarah Mara Indians. There was a study with the Papua Highlanders that they had pulmonary issues dues to an increase habit of smoking, but yet, their arteries was absolutely clean, especially those aged over 60 years old. They ate mostly plant based food.

Dr. Esselstyn stated that when a patient has a coronary angiogram, when the artery is scoped and one area looks clear, it is not necessarily clear. There are many different arteries around the heart. All the vessels are enlarged when one is affected. A heart attack does not always occur when an artery is partially blocked by plaques. Studies have shown that it is the smaller plaques that occupies an artery. The bad cholesterol is the LDL and if the other type of the LDL is oxidized, it becomes foamed and gets into the plaque. The foam cell begins to erode the arterial wall of the weakened plaque and then tears the plaque and these smaller plaques are released which then forms a thrombus. The thrombus then occludes one artery and a heart attack happens. The plaque ruptured.

Dr. Esselstyn says that in 3 weeks you can prevent the cap in the artery from rupturing and proofing yourself from a heart attack. He had a study that studied the 70% to have effective proofing from a heart attack. He stated that a quarter of people who have had the procedure had a higher mortality rate when doing interventions such as an angiogram. He advised to look at coronary disease as a brush fire. There are a lot of epithelial cells that lines the artery and interventions with procedures and medications will only prevent 30% of a heart attack from occurring. The doctor said that moderation kills! In other words, you can’t eat meat all the time, just eat it every now and then. He talked about compensatory vasodilation that is affected by the food that we eat. He said that someone who eats fatty foods or foods that are not healthy for, will lower your compensatory vasodilation. He talks about how to be heart attack proof by sharing the Monel Chemical Senses Study where a person’s craving for fat is lost in 90 days.

This was a 12-year study and in his study for the Monel Chemical Senses study showed that the following should either be encouraged or avoided:

DO:

Legumes

Grains

Lentils

Vegetable and fruit

Avoid:

No oil

Fish

Fowl

Meat

Dairy

He stated that in longer studies about oils showed that even though at short term, the oils were good, but in a long term, there was just as much coronary disease, especially olive oil, which is just like butter.

The brachial artery tunicate test after eating unhealthy foods can show a significant change in blood flow.

He showed several examples of people who were on the study for 12 years that revealed a significant change to their HDL/LDL values, cholesterol, and perfusion studies. He stated that nitric oxide that’s in our body helps vasodilate the perfusion in our heart. He shared how this can be corrected in one week! And this will anger pharmaceutical companies, but endothelial cells can definitely be heart attacked proof in just 3 weeks.

Dr. Essystn’s video impacted me heavily and I am already in the process of ordering his book and studying it more. You see, I had this exact same heart attack just one week after having a baby. The hospital thought I was just retaining water from the pregnancy, but instead I was retaining water, because I was going into Congestive heart failure. I was at home when I had my first attack. Everyone was in disbelief because the EKG showed that my ST elevations were up, but my blood pressure and all my lab work was normal. My pain wouldn’t go away and when they did the angiogram, it showed that I had a 70% blockage of the circumflex of my coronary artery. The cardiologist cleared this out and put in one stent, but 5 days after the first stent, I had collapsed and coded. I was thankfully revived, and another stent was placed at the other end of the artery that had collapsed. My physician was in shock and so was everyone else. I was placed on interventional medications that would keep my heart rate lower and my blood pressure at a low level. It was terrible. I was so sleepy all the time. I was even told to walk more, but I couldn’t do a full intensive exercise, and stay stress free. I did all that the first 6 months after my exercise. By my 7th month, I started to feel very tired, dizzy, and my body ached. I had just gone back to work and I thought perhaps I was stressed. Thankfully, I was at home when I had collapsed, and my husband immediately took me to the hospital. I told the ED doctor that I was feeling pain in my chest area. He took all the lab work, CXR, EKGs and vital signs and everything looked normal. I asked him if I can stay till morning, because the last time I mentioned I wasn’t feeling good, I coded just minutes before I walked out of the hospital. I stayed in the hospital for the evening and when morning came, my cardiologist came and did angiogram. He looked me in the eyes and said, “It’s a good thing you stayed. Michelle, your heart is about to burst, and you need open heart surgery.” Yes, at 30 years old, I had a triple bypass and I have 4 metal stents. I’m crying right now just thinking of all this and his video and the information I just watched has made me so excited. You see, I have reached my 8th year mark. I was told that my veins that bypassed my heart will only be good for five years and the arteries will only 10 years. I am close to my 8 years and technically that means both my arteries and veins are technically in need of some type of replacement, which is another heart surgery. I DON’T WANT THIS! In the past year, I have cut back on sugar and carbs and I have started exercising more. I’ve learned to manage my diet by learning to read labels and understanding BMI and net carbs and more. But just like our dear doctor has said, “Moderation kills.” I have stopped eating sugars and carbs, but every now and then, I will treat myself to it. He said, “If you do start the program than you have to stop saying, ‘A little bit doesn’t hurt.’” Every now then, I will eat steak or a burger, because I figured it’s because I lack the protein that my heart muscle needs. However, after reading his FAQs page on his website, DrEsselstyn.com, I just need to eat the right foods such as vegetables and fruits that will give me just enough protein that my body needs. In all theory, it is a plant-based diet! UGH! That is so… much… greens! But I’m going to do it! Thank you for sharing this video… it was amazing!

Does anyone have this same problem? The rain is so calm and I feel so at peace with it. Yet, it comes in the most unexpected ways and when it rains here in Cali, it pours. I find myself cuddling up under a blanket and eating warm cookies and milk and binging on movies…. shhh!

At the same time, it plays with my emotion and it reminds me that I need to cry. 😢

I scrolled through Facebook and messages keeps showing of my dear friend Hazel. Pictures of us smiling and laughing appeared and I just started to cry.

I’m going to so miss you my friend. You have been such a hope of inspiration in my life and I am so blessed by your presence. They say that some friendships come and go, but never do I ever want a friend to go this way.

I come to work and I smile, but when no one is looking, I’m hiding in the bathroom or in the corner just catching myself crying.

My heart melted today. Hubby texted me and said to pray for Chad Iris’s Family. He said that Chad’s wife left him and he hung himself. The body was found this morning.

It was hard to hold my emotions it. I didn’t understand why and yet I did understand why. I was in denial to the fact that life can be hard and not everyone can always get pass the mountains that’s planted before us.

God said He would never put us through anything we can’t handle, but we don’t put forth enough how the enemy can still whisper how easy it is to just give up.

I went to his Facebook page and saw this…

The last question is when I lost it! I had to finish my work and then I quickly went to the Serenity room in Jacobs. A quiet place for anything, even prayer. For me, I just wanted to cry. Then, my pain from my past came through – all the hurt, the hate, the anger, the pain, came rushing. Then, my patient’s tears today and their pain made me question what type of pain was the worse, “Physical, mental, or emotional pain?” Does spiritual count? Is that considered emotional? I don’t know.

Mental must be the worse. It’s something we can’t see. Pain can only take it away for a moment but if we don’t heal the mind, it just lingers. We can’t forget and it’s always there even when we try, even after we’ve forgiven, but it comes back.