All things narrated by Monica

Archive for the tag “gum chewing”

I over-think everything. Breakfast, lunch, how long ago I washed my jeans, if my cat stepped in poo and is now stepping on my face and what I should do with my life. I used to over-think my over-thinking too, but that was exhausting so I did give that one up, so it will not be included in this list. I have, however, just accepted this as a part of who I am as well as an aid in my pursuit to become an awesome old person (because I probably already assesed whether or not something will make me awesome-er or not awesome-er).

2. Eating a reasonable amount of olives in one sitting

I just can’t. They are so delicious that I must have them in multiples of 78 or none at all. I’m am perfectly okay with never giving this up.

3. Having faith that cosmetic companies do not put harmful things in their products

I don’t wash off my waterproof makeup so that I don’t have to put on makeup every day. Actually, I only use waterproof makeup so that it doesn’t come off so that I don’t have to put on more every day. This allows me to maximize my sleeping time while still remaining (barely) presentable. I keep getting away with it, so it’s unlikely that I will ever stop.

4. Chewing gum as avidly as someone giving CPR

I really don’t mean to. It just happens. When I first put that piece of gum in my mouth, I’m extremely conscious about how loudly I’m chewing. But something comes over me when the flavor starts to dwindle and I realize I only have a precious few minutes left with that wonderful freshness. I then feel the need to squeeze every last bit of artificial minty goodness out of the piece of rock-hard rubber with all the strength my mandibles can muster. Unfortunately, there is normally a very obnoxious few minutes before I realize other people are watching. I am rather unaware when the awkwardness happens, which makes it unlikely I will be able to give this up.

5. Mistaking the “M” in McDonalds for Monica and thus a personal invitation to their restaurant

I don’t care that fast food is bad for me, that it’ll give me heart disease and/or diabetes and that I might die a slow and painful death and rack up tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills, that my pants will immediately feel tighter once I have shoved every last bit into my mouth, or that I will promptly lapse into a pre-diabetic nap afterwards. It. Tastes. So. Good. I don’t eat it all the time, or even frequently. I sometimes even pretend that I’m never going to eat it again, or pretend that I just want the happy meal toy or whatever toy comes in the kids meal at that particular fast food chain. But somehow I always know I’ll be back, and that I’ll walk away questioning whether or not I ate the food or just smeared the grease all over my face and hands.

6. Falling asleep in public places

I do this more often than I care to admit. Sometimes, I’m just so tired from grad-schooling or life that I consciously think “I don’t give a shit” and zonk out. But sometimes, it’s not on purpose. Sometimes, it’s just my face in my hands as I’m thinking about my cat or something and… then there’s some pidgin that freaks out next to me twenty minutes later. Sometimes, it’s really bad because I’m on the bus, or in a coffee shop, or standing in line at the post office and a small droplet of drool falls from my mouth, causing me to startle awake and wipe my mouth like nothing happened. Normally everyone around me looks anywhere but at me so that I can at least pretend that no one saw. I really don’t have control over the frequency of these occurrences the majority of the time, which is why I simply cannot see myself ever kicking this habit.

7. Going on the internet for a minimum of three hours at a time

Lastly, but perhaps the worst, is my love for the interwebs. I’ve wasted countless hours on YouTube learning to pick locks, watching Niki Minaj music videos and vowing to never let my children see them, and observing how fungi can take over an insect. I’ve spent an obscene amount of time on news websites, conspiracy forums, and Wikipedia. I’ve also found a lot of really awesome websites where you can learn how to African Throat Sing, imitate bird calls, and use self defense. The problem is that I love to learn, and there is so much information on the internet that you only have to look to find it. The public library is also a trap, but as it closes and I regularly pay my internet and electricity bill, the internet remains the worse habit. I try multiple tactics to give this up or at least make it a less-bad habit, but so far very few things have worked. Most likely I will be addicted for life.