-- The Rules of Last Man Standing --
Update 27 January 2006 by Amazing Ben

A couple of months ago I gave a pretty detailed explanation of one of my favorite games of all time, a delightfully simple yet enjoyable game known as Battle Golf. For those of you who don't recall, Battle Golf is essentially an organized team sport that quickly degenerates to a bunch of drunken morons stumbling around a golf course at night tackling each other and possibly barfing. Well since I still can't scan the photos I wanted for this week's update, I will instead present to you another time-honored game that you may try out for your own personal enjoyment that also centers around a bunch of drunken morons stumbling around a field tackling each other and possibly barfing.

One afternoon after a long day of watching football, drinking and singeing all the hair off his knuckles while trying to light the barbecue grill, my friends Bill and John and I decided to take a break and go throw the football around in the backyard. Of course, like any meeting of three drunk guys where sports is involved the "throwing the football around" quickly degenerated into a contest to see who could throw the football the farthest. This in turn, degenerated into a game that grew to be known as Last Man Standing.

Overview

Last Man Standing is a multi-player individually-based sports game designed to be played in a state of incredible intoxication. The objective is to throw a football at such hand-shatteringly high speeds that it is utterly uncatchable by other players, thereby proving that you have huge nuts and are a super omega badass.

Required Equipment

Last Man Standing is very light in the equipment department. You only require the following items:

At least three people

One full-sized NCAA or NFL approved football

One bottle of hard liquor

A lot of other booze

Restricted Equipment

If you use any of the following items, you are a pussy and do not deserve to be the Last Man Standing:

Receiving gloves, batting gloves or any other type of glove

Protective eyewear of any sort

Padding or protection of any sort

Moderation or restraint while drinking

Hand moisturizer

Rules

In Last Man Standing, all players begin by getting incredibly wasted, preferably by performing the time-honored ritual of the "Power Hour". If you are unaware, a Power Hour is when you pound one shot glass worth of beer every minute on the minute for one full hour, which doesn't seem like a whole lot but is DEFINITELY enough to get you completely shitfaced out of yoru mind. If you run out of beer, it is legal to substitute hard liquor or cider as well, though not at all recommended. Once this is done, players go outside and stand in a circle (or triangle, or square, or whatever), making sure that they are pretty much equally spaced apart.

The player who remembered to take the football outside gets to go first. He then proceeds to throw the ball as hard as he possibly can at the player to the left of him (clockwise) in the formation. If the receiver catches it, he then in turn throws it as hard as he can at the person to his left. If the ball hits the receiver anywhere on the body and he fails to catch it before it hits the ground the ball is considered dropped, that player is out and the ball goes to whoever was next in the circle. The Last Man Standing wins.

In the event that the ball completely fails to make contact with the receiver, the result is a fumble. When a fumble occurs, all players must drunkenly sprint towards the ball yelling "fuuuuuuumble!" and knocking each other over in a wild attempt to throw their bodies on the loose ball. Once the ball is recovered, all players return to their original positions and whoever recovered the ball gets to throw it at either the person to the left (clockwise) OR the person to their right (counter-clockwise). If they choose to throw to the right, the throwing order will continue to go in that direction until the next fumble.

In the event that the ball goes completely around the circle without ANY fumbles or drops, all players must take a swig from a bottle of booze and tighten the circle so they are standing closer together before continuing on with the game.

Strategies

Now that you have the basics of the game down, here are some strategies to help you prove to your friends that you're the biggest most badass tough guy you know.

Throwing: When it's your turn to throw, the trick is to make sure you get as much speed on the ball as possible, since the only thing that's really going to stop the other guy from catching it is if you throw it hard enough to fracture anything that it comes in contact with. It often helps to get a three to four step running start and yell really loudly while throwing so as to intimidate the other player. Some people prefer to aim for the other players' faces so as to further terrify them, but I have found that often times that leads to fumbles, as the first instinct for the receiver is to puss out and either duck or drunkenly fall over backwards. Generally speaking, fumbles do not often favor the passer. Aiming for the torso is often more effective because it makes it far more difficult for the inebriated slow-moving receiver to get out of the way in time and forces them to either catch it or drop it. You can often even try to sneak one in and zip a quick pass at the other guy's legs, hoping that he won't be able to get out of the way in time. This can be risky though, because if he is able to move quickly enough, he has a good chance of recovering the fumble and throwing the ball right back at you. Personally, I often find that I'm putting so much effort into throwing the ball as hard as possible that it can be difficult to aim. This often lends an air of unpredictability that can rattle opponents and very sore arms and shoulders the next morning.

Receiving: Receiving can be tricky at best, as it is really against all major human instincts to want to get in the way of a ball being flung ninety miles an hour at your chest. However, to show everyone that you're a REAL MAN, you're going to need to fight your best instincts and do everything in your power to catch the ball. Some players have been known to try and bat the ball into the air to take some of the heat off of it and then catch it as it floats back to earth, but this can also be difficult if you are facing tough defenders (see below). You'll always be able to tell the good receivers because their hands will be tender, red and swollen for days after playing a round of Last Man Standing.

Defense: The other players have the option of playing defense. Defenders must stay in their assigned position in the circle, but as soon as the ball is released by the passer, all players are allowed to maul the receiver, knocking him to the ground and attempting to dislodge the ball. The advantages of this are that there is a chance the receiver will drop the ball and be knocked out of the game, especially if he is super drunk and not expecting to be smashed by three other drunken assholes, but the down side is that if the ball is a fumble you will be way out of position to make the recovery. In the rare event that a defender is able to catch the ball before it hits the ground, it immediately becomes his turn to throw AND the receiver is out of the game.

It's a clusterfuck like this, only without the pads.

Fumbles: Fumbles are good example of this game being needlessly violent. Most fumbles really just end up being a bunch of drunken fools crashing into each other like bumper cars and falling all over the place cackling like witches. Basically just try to run in the general direction of the ball and avoid getting creamed by your friends who are more interested in breaking your spine than they are in winning the game.

Early Rounds: In the early rounds, your best bet is to tackle the good receivers and hope they drop the ball, while waiting for the pussies to let the ball go flying past them so you can jump on the fumble. Aside from that, you have a lot more strategy to worry about and a lot more "getting fucked up by people" to concentrate on, especially if you are playing in a large group. Just try to lay back, get the ball as much as possible, and don't drop anything.

And Then There Were Two: When it gets down to the last two, it really becomes a different ball game. Then it's just your arm and hands against his. Fumbles are almost always recovered by the receiver, so there's really no point running after them especially since you'll already be tired and beat up from all the booze and headshots. It really just comes down to brute strength as you go back-and-forth taking shots and moving closer together until you're both totally wasted standing about ten feet apart pegging each other with footballs like a couple of drunk idiots with no regard for their own well-being.

Final Thoughts

Well folks, I really thought I was going to be able to stretch this out a little more, but it's really just a bunch of drunken jackasses throwing a football at each other as hard as they can and causing potentially serious physical damage to one another. However, the article is written and it's getting posted.