Konichiwa, bitches! Except not bitches, because that has violent, misogynistic overtones, and not konichiwa, because it feels like cultural appropriation. And if that makes you uncomfortable, buckle up! For all the backlash Girls gets for its skewed perspective on life in Brooklyn, just wait until you see what it thinks of Japan.

This week’s episode goes global to visit Shoshanna in Japan and also Marnie on honeymoon in Ecuador (which she pronounces in a very cool, not at all annoying way, we swear). Shosh is adjusting super well to Japan, so well, in fact, she’s pretty much completely forgot about her terrible friends and dum-dum boyfriend. Seems like she could just go on and on forever in Japanese spas and ridiculous architecture until she gets fired. Don’t worry though! She’s still not coming back.

Meanwhile, back in Brooklyn, Adam landed a small part on some TV procedural and Jessa comes over for his big debut, practically jumping in his lap before freaking out when he tries to kiss her. Hannah is determined to ruin her relationship with the adorable Fran. This week she’s mad he jerks off to pics of his exes, which is only a little shitty. It’s not like deleting them from his phone erases them from his MEMORIES. Then, there’s Marnie. She’s still fucking terrible.

Hope you’ve got your passport stamped to discuss the moments from last night we loved so much we can’t even, and the parts that were so ridiculous we can’t even.

We Can’t Even

A life-sized Polly Pocket, pretty much.

-Even in Japan, Girls still can’t quite get the typical millennial experience right. While we loved the fact Shoshanna was living in some sort of oversized hamster habitat, those colorful apartments are certainly not the norm. They’re called “The Reversible Destiny Lofts” which is both thematically appropriate for the episode and genuinely cool.

___________

Shimmer shimmer

-We’re fine with more episodes in Japan as long as they come with more J-Pop and fantastic tops covered in iridescent paillettes.

-Where can we get some cotton candy at the spa? That’s got to be a health code violation. Still not as bas as Spa Castle though.

___________

“You’re still hot … to Fran.”

– Speaking of health code violations, surely there are sexier places at which to take naked pics than Ray’s cafe. Though, it was worth it to get Elijah’s expert art direction. (“[Smile] Like you know a cake is coming later!”) We’ve got to add that one to our repertoire of sexy face, naughty face, slightly gassy face and fingers in mouth the next time we get down to sext.

___________

What’s my age again?

-Shoshanna got off pretty easy at the sex club. Getting flogged or having hot candle wax poured in our assholes sounds way worse than dressing up like a Blink-182 album cover.

___________

“Babe, have you seen my evening leather wristlet?”

-Sure we were sad that we didn’t see one dick in that insane Japanese bathhouse, but Desi’s dick totally made up for it. (Though we were disappointed that it didn’t have a piercing, or even like a necklace. That guy owns more jewelry than Jared.)

We Can’t Even

Put a passcode on your phone, Fran.

-Sorry, Hannah, but there are worse things than finding photos of exes on your boyfriend’s phone, like kiddie porn or snuff films or a Rascal Flatts album.

___________

Buttoned down, untucked, that’s the way we like to fuck.

-It’s a little unfair for Fran to expect Hannah to send him better sexy pics while he’s fucking her while still wearing his shirt.

-There were pubes all over this episode — in the Japanese spa, in Ecuador, in a coffee shop in Brooklyn. We would hate to be the PA responsible for sweeping up.

___________

Case of the missing dignity.

-Was Lucy Liu’s Law and Order knock-off supposed to be a meta satire of her actual show Elementary? Is that what she’s doing these days? (Not like we totally wouldn’t watch an all-day marathon of a show about a tough cop with a heart of gold who was also born in an orphanage if it were playing on USA.)

___________

Minding my own business, not trying to be kissed.

-Jessa’s driving us crazy. She was giving leaning up against the wall giving puppy dog eyes and then was SHOCKED when Adam kissed her. Really Jessa, we don’t buy it. And why is she still resisting Adam? She needs this. It’s not like anything is going on in her storyline.

___________

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes.

-If Shoshanna was on the fence about staying in Japan, her stupid boyfriend’s sign is plenty of reason to desert him in the airport (even if he had to take four trains to get there). “Shosh Is the Most-Sh?” The whole “Hostess With the Mostest”/“Ghost with the most” construct works because they have the same number of syllables. Is Most-Sh supposed to rhyme with Shosh? Fine. Let’s say that’s the case, despite all grammatical and phonetic evidence to the contrary. So, is this supposed to read “Shosh is the Mosh?” Because that doesn’t make any sense! What a dummy! Enjoy dying alone!

Next week: Going through your boyfriend’s phone, deleting his pictures and then setting his lock screen to a naked picture of you only ends well! Especially if he’s a teacher and around nosy children all day!

For more discussion about whether these girls will ever get it all together, follow Bobby and Carly.

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