I shut the door to my bedroom and pushed a chair in front of it. I didn’t really want to make the phone call, because a part of me, deep down, knew the truth.

At the start of summer vacation, Millie left for her cousin’s, swearing that she couldn’t get through the summer without me. She’d returned for the first day of fifth grade much different from the friend I’d built forts with in my backyard.

I kicked dirty clothes under my bed. I’d had enough.

I pressed Millie’s number into the phone and waited.

“Hello,” Millie said.

I took a deep breath. I knew exactly how to find out if our friendship had any chance of surviving. “I, Quinn Kilpatrick, do solemnly swear to enter the world of training bras and deodorant-”

Millie laughed in a not-so-nice way.

My cheeks burned and I wanted to hang up.

“Please don’t tell me you still remember that silly oath we came up with last year,” Millie said, “Anyway, I was going to call you.”

“Really?” I said. Maybe she was about to tell me that the whole first week of school where she’d practically ignored me was a huge mistake. Right.

“My parents are sending me to a private boarding school tomorrow. It’s so cool. My cousin goes there, and I’ve met some of the girls in my class.”

10 thoughts on “MSFV Post #22”

I really like this. I could really get into the character Quinn. I understood what was happening and I felt for her. The writing had a nice pace and good voice. The only thing I didn’t understand was what the dirty clothes had to do with anything. It kind of jolted me out of the mood. I would read on to find out how Quinn survives.
Good job.
Charlie V

I must admit I did not read the first version – but I did enjoy this one. I read the first paragraph and thought she was running from something, then got a jolt when the second paragraph didn’t mesh with that. Though when I read it a second time, it made sense that she didn’t want to be interrupted so she put the door in front of the door. Also, the character sounds like a girl, then I saw the name Quinn I thought it was a boy – which didn’t mesh with the training bra line. But then Quinn’s got to paint her nails and that brought me back to the girl. Maybe it is just because I read a book recently with a boy named Quinn. You write very well, and I am concerned about your MC. Great job!

I’d cut the second and third paragraphs though and go straight into the phone call. Most of that info comes out during the phone call anyway and what doesn’t could be dropped in later. (And the dirty clothes don’t seem important.)

Also, I was confused why Millie would spend a week at her old school if her parents were planning to send her somewhere else, but maybe this is explained later.