I received an e-mail a few days ago from someone who used to be a friend, it gave me a bit of a jolt and has taken me a few days to process my feelings towards them, I don’t really want to go back as they showed me a side of themself that was hidden, and I didn’t appreciate it.

Dear…

We had been friends for some 20 years, good friends I thought, and what transpired between us really rocked the foundations of our friendship, you see I thought I knew you.

Lets go back a little over two years, I was in a very bad place financially, not your fault, coupled with the fact, that it looked like I was going to lose my home, in effect become homeless, added to the mix I was drowning emotionally about ready to hit the wall flying, there was no doubt I was going down in flames.

You were the only person I confided in, you knew all and what the results could be if I didn’t get help at court with the view of giving me more time to find a solution to keep my home, and to be honest you were a great shoulder to cry on, supportive even offering me a place to stay.

Well the day came I went to court one last time staving of the bailiffs for a few hours whilst I tried to get the decision over turned to give me some time, can you imagine what it was like to come home that afternoon to find they had already gained access and were in the process of removing my property onto the street, all the neighbours watching, you my friend who was going to be there was absent.

They allowed me into my property, just to let me get myself together pack a few cases, a neighbour had to take both my cats, another neighbour persuaded them to put back my things as the agents had agreed to allow me an additional 14 days to remove all my goods to a new location if I had one, obviously I couldn’t gain access, they changed the locks.

I called you several times and left messages with no answer, can you imagine how that felt, can you even contemplate that my life was falling apart and i was like an onlooker watching I could barely relate to the event, also that night I had nowhere to go.

Someone made several phone calls to SHELTER who assist the homeless and as I wasn’t considered vulnerable I had to go to the night shelter, which upon arrival I became hysterical, I mean really lost it, and to boot they had no spaces left.

With the promise of a short-term loan we drove around looking for a guest house, in the midst of this I finally hear from you, a drunken phone call asking if everything was alright, fucking understatement of the year, all I could say was “I’ll call you tomorrow”

Well I did find somewhere for 3 nights, and you said I could come down on the Saturday, you were going to buy the ticket online and i was to pick it up at the station, well you never called all day walking around town with my suitcase, using valuable credit looking for an alternative “just in case” I didn’t couldn’t believe you would let me down, but you did.

Well that night I slept outside finding a quiet bus stop near where I used live and sat there all night long to scared to even cry, just numb with shock that only a few days ago I had a home.

I don’t blame you for what happened that is totally my own fault, I don’t even blame you for not calling or living up to your promise of assistance, what I found hard to forgive is that the next day (Sunday) you did call and behaved as though it was a regular day, telling how you went out the night before and “completely forgot about me” you actually said those words.

The second thing you did was to break my confidence , you told all our mutual friends, forgetting to mention your role in this, have you any idea what that did to me,I couldn’t even go to them now, I was too ashamed, and I basically cut off other friendships because I couldn’t bear them to know and you knew that, I didn’t even give them the chance to help.

By now I was near breaking point and the sofa surfing had begun, the black cloud completely engulfed me, I had no home, no money, I was lost, the complete breakdown followed soon after.

So when reading your e-mail with your apologies and your platitudes and everything else in between, I can still feel a glimmer of sympathy for you, your health not good, etc, but you see I made it out of the rabbit hole, things are not great, but I’m surviving and have a future again.

You kicked me when I was down, we were friends for 20 years and you could do that to me, I was often there for you, with your own financial troubles, remember when I stumped up the cash so you wouldn’t lose your home! remember the nights when I talked you through relationship problems the list is endless, I didn’t even ask you for money all I needed was a bed for a few weeks.

I have let go and, wish you well with life and everything, but our friendship that was, is now firmly in my past, you will never see this letter, I needed closure and now I have it.

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About therabbitholez

I returned to this blog in September 2014, after a 2 year absence, due to depressive illness and homelessness.
This journey charts the rocky road to recovery and my feelings about it, and getting a home together after losing everything, this too has been a rocky rocky, both things connected on many levels, but separate at the same time.
If you want to know more please read my blog:) and comment on any blog you like I enjoy the interaction, and belong to a great community on here.
Thanks for reading.:)

I feel a little like that friend, to be honest… I’ve been away for awhile because I was finishing my book and getting it published… but I tend to be self-absorbed and focussed when I’m doing that… I haven’t written anything in my son’s blog for awhile either… see, even now, I’m talking about myself LOL

Forgiveness is a hard thing for me and yes, I think you’re a stronger, better person than I.

What your exaplining is different sometimes the life work balance is hard to manage, and now the book is done you’ll be back to your usual schedule:).

Forgiveness is tough but I have selfish reasons, I just can’t be bothered to get into the drama of it all, so I just let it go, also now that I’m in a better place i don’t want him to be a part of that.