Well, we'd better get going. You can say that again. You were supposed to have said "Well, we'd better get going" again. That's how the banter is supposed to go. Predictable banter is the glue that binds society. You'd never last ten minutes in an office environment, Tyrone. I thought offending each other was the glue that binds us.

A bunch of black churches have been burned down in recent weeks. No! It's going to get worse before it gets better, Susan. Evil racists are lashing out because they've realized bigots are a dying breed. In a way, the worse things get, the better they are. Yeah. Wait ... what?

Did you know that, with very few exceptions, police officers in Britain don't carry guns? That's not a myth? It's true. And most cops want to keep it that way to preserve the sense that they serve the people rather than the state. Cops in Britain think that the public not feeling oppressed protects them better than guns would. Everyone has health insurance ... almost no one gets shot ... they got rid of slavery 22 years before we did ... Maybe those guys are onto something.

Emails. We got people hungry, bridges fallin' down, people sick … an' all anyone be talkin' 'bout last week was some #$%& emails. This country unbelievable, bruh. (A) It's alarming when our leaders act like they have something to hide … and (B) Since when do you watch the news? They interrupted "Gilligan's Island" widdat *$%# press conference.

I'm so sick of Hollywood values. They clearly have nothing but hatred for America. That's nonsense. Why do you think Hollywood makes billions of dollars from millions of Americans every year? All those "Hollywood" values are actually American values. Millions of Americans engage in violence, promiscuity, and whatever else you see on your tv. On the other hand, millions of Americans practice all the kindness, selflessness and tolerance you also see on tv. Hollywood is just a mirror of our society. I only meant they charge a lot for movies and cable. Oh. Never mind, then. You're right.

The Koch Brothers are filthy rich billionaires. They plan on spending $1 billion on the upcoming elections. I can't even afford to buy a new car, let alone a new Congress. It all makes me feel so hopeless. But then I think back to the Middle Ages. Sure there was Feudalism. But there was also jousting, and damsels, and knights. So Feudalism's not all bad. Plus, modern Feudalism is almost 92% guaranteed to not include the plague. PhD. Well, there's that.

Sometimes America really disappoints me, Susan. Remember that Super Bowl commercial where the kid says he'll never be this and never do that, because he died in an avoidable childhood accident? My reaction was "With all the people watching … that commercial is probably going to save some child's life." America's reaction was "Hey! Save a kid some other time, I'm trying to eat a nacho here." I'm paraphrasing ... barely.

I taught Lionel how to call 911. WHAT?! What that little two-year-old boy ever done to you, Big L? Huh? Cops be outta control, bruh. If there a emergency an' he call 911, there a 50/50 chance the police'll help … an' a 50/50 chance they gonna knock down the door without a warrant, toss in a flashbang grenade, an' pepper spray your toddler before draggin' his dad out in the hallway half naked. What is you thinkin' Big L? He's be better off if you teach him to call Domino's. Well, they would probably get there faster.

C-Dog don’t never dream 'cause dreamin' just make real life worse, Big L. Let's say I dream I can stand on a corner or walk across the street without some cop bothering me. Then I wake up, no matter where I go, there some cop lookin' out his car window at me, just waiting for a reason to "put me in my place." If I don't DREAM things can be better, then I ain't never disappointed. I know what you mean. Last night I dreamt you weren't depressing.

Yesterday some guy tried to tell me not all shootings at schools are "school shootings." He even said gang-related shootings don't count. What, that surprise you? What country you think you livin' in, Big L? They been shootings in "inner city" schools since the eighties. But America only started caring when white suburban kids started killing too. That's kind of cynical, Clyde. Columbine was the "Elvis" of school shootings.

I want to buy a house, Susan. I feel like if I don’t own a house, I'm a failure. Like I'm not really part of society. Like I'm just a guest. I feel like I'm a child and the only way I'll ever truly be an adult is to own a house. Plus if I had my own house, I could make the whole floor a trampoline. Dios Mio.

Can you believe that Clippers owner? Whachoo mean? You know … that guy who told his girlfriend not to bring black people to his games, and not to post pictures online of herself associating with them. It was just three weeks ago. Oh, that. Yeah, I could believe that. What I can't believe is people who can't believe it. What country you think you in, Kumbaya-stan? You're a ray of sunshine, aren't you?

This just in: there seems to be a concerted multi-state effort to make it harder for the poor to vote. Click. Thug 4 Life. This Side Up. … Strong possibility that scientists have discovered signs of living organisms thriving in the clouds of the planet Venus. Click. ... Incoming hurricane is headed straight for our house How to save your. Click. Last time, on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta ... " Mun mun mun -

Daddy? Tew me again what we awe fow Hawoween? This Halloween, daddy's going as Charles W. Chesnutt, who you'll of course recognize as the author of the "Uncle Julius McAdoo" stories from 1899. Uncle Julius was a former slave who overcame an oppressive society with the use of his humor, courage and wit. Also, magic and voodoo. What am I, daddy? You're the ham a slave offered a priestess in order to be able to eat the poisoned grapes, in one of the stories, of course. Don't worry, the snout is a dead giveaway. Daddy? Can I go with Uncle Cwyde fow Hawoween next yeaw?

Think about it. We may soon have a "President Clinton" in the White House. The Batman franchise is making questionable casting decisions. There's a government shutdown. Last night, I watched the Arsenio Hall show. ARSENIO. Need I go on? I'm sorry, I still don't believe we all went back in time to the nineties. Ok, but if I see Sinbad on my TV I'm gonna freak the heck out.

Ima Buvitall@imabuvitall. Obama is just as bad as Bush. Valid opinion. Ima Buvitall@imabuvitall. Both let Wall Street criminals go. Both bombed foreign countries. Both spied on Americans. Valid point. Ima Buvitall@imabuvitall. They're both direct descendants of Samuel Hinckley, who founded the Massachusetts franchise of the Illuminati in 1648. The trick is knowing when to put the phone down.

Well, we'd better get going. You can say that again. You were supposed to have said, "Well, we'd better get going" again. That's how the banter is supposed to go. Predictable banter is the glue that binds society. You'd never last ten minutes in an office environment, Tyrone. I thought offending each other was the glue that binds us.