"Dancing" Finals' freestyles and mirrorballs

Last night's Dancing
with the Stars (The Finals) finally gave me what I've been asking for all
season: a less than 2-hour live show! And now that I watched this rushed
production, I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed. Not in the dances,
which were good, but not great and up to the typical "Finals" standards
(meaning everyone should get all "30's"), but because of the rushed nature of
the show. We have been waiting for this moment, anticipating it, for however
long this season has been running (weeks, months, years... it's all a blur now),
and then, like any minute man, it was over. For all that anticipation, I was
expecting something, well, matching the expectations of the season. With almost no rehearsal footage, or the
usual filler, I felt like Dancing got
what it wanted from me, without me being truly ready. Yes, I'm sure tonight's
Finals Results Show will be the slow, soft embrace I'm hoping for, but right
now, I just have the feeling of "really, that's it?" So, I guess I'll just have
to come out and admit it: for one night, Dancing
made me feel like the girl in our relationship, a feeling I'm not used to while
watching a show filled with glitter, butt-popping dances and guys wearing
see-through, open-chested shirts. Wait a second... So anyway, even though I feel
a little "wham-bam, thank you ma'am" right now, I'll resist the urge to nap (or,
as I'm now the girl, cuddle) and instead look at how did the remaining three
stars did last night, dancing two individual dances, including the always
anticipated freestyle. Here's a rundown, dancer by dancer, in order of
appearance (with judge's scores for each dance in parenthesis):

It might be a little expensive, but this is my new "entrance," wherever I go.

Ricki Lake & Derek Hough (27/27/54): Up first, for the
"Judge's Choice" dance (which was more "Judges Come to Rehearsal and Don't Pick
the Dance" dance), was Carrie Ann, giving tips to Ricki, on how to be a
sex-goddess, showing her how sexy pointing can basically stop a guy dead (if
Carrie Ann is doing it, as Ricki just didn't quite get it during her live
dance, a cha cha cha). The dance was good, but not great, with Len giving her a
that "dance was worthy of being in the finals" kiss-off. And for shame, as
Ricki, for the first time all season, went all out for the night. Meaning she
finally got a spray tan. For their second dance, the freestyle, Ricki's weight
loss was played up, with her busting through a giant Biggest Loser-like panel of her early-season self. And as the
freestyles are usually so off-the-wall crazy, not full of real dance moves,
instead incorporating late-80s/early-90s dance steps into them, this first freestyle
on the night was odd, or different from the usual, because the dance went from
a quickstep to a salsa. Of course, Derek, concerned about "mirrorballs" of
another kind, found time to add in his patented Derek Hough Crotch Bob, which,
let's all just admit, is a little played out now. I mean, I went dancing the
other night, performed this move, and was only greeted with looks of horror.
And a court appearance. The couple's "wow move" for the freestyle was an
overhead spin, which was yawn-inducing, especially because Rob & Cheryl
would later use this move in their dance (less skillfully, but to more effect...
as I waited for Rob to spin off the dance floor, possibly leading to a possible
Kardashian tragedy, wiping out the whole clan (with even Kim, in disguise,
wearing a tux, there to cheer brother Rob to Mirror Ball glory)). As Derek
stated oh-so-accurately, "mirrorballs (Dancing
trophy, not crotch bob ones (I hope)) have been won and lost on the freestyle
alone," and with the night's worst freestyle, it would be no surprise to see
Ricki & Derek as the night's first eliminee. On the plus side, for her
White/Black Swan dress, Ricki picked up the season's final Best Dressed Award.

World's. Sexiest. Swiffer.

Rob Kardashian & Cheryl Burke (27/30/57): Taking advice
from Bruno for his waltz, Rob turned in a good, though not spectacular dance,
though he did sustain his momentum, with even Carrie Ann calling him this
season's Cinderella (and Tom then calling him "Cinderfella," which made Rob
give him the evil eye). You can really sense that the judges want Rob to win,
as he is the first contestant in (my) memory that actually started off with
little in the way of dance moves, but has bloomed into a real dancer (while
going from ass-shame to ass-overload (and what is Dancing if not ass-overload?), with the judges noting that he
"peaked at the right time." I still think its JR's Mirror Ball to lose, but Rob
should be happy to add Dancing with the
Stars runner-up to a resume that includes "graduate from USC" and "brother
of Kim Kardashian." Whereas their first dance was "simple" (according to Len),
their freestyle left Carrie Ann saying "consider me blown........................ away," as the
couple took to the dance floor for a "Minnie the Moocher" routine, with Cheryl
all flappered out. The staging was great, the dance was as
close to perfection as Rob has ever come, and the judges rewarded him with
three "10's." Of course, Rob probably lost a few votes for his illustration of
what he'll do if he wins the Mirror Ball Trophy, complete with his hands up in
the air and the weakest "yeah" ever recorded on Dancing. You've come this far Rob, no time to be meek now!

Don't Break the Ice: DWTS Edition

JR Martinez & Karina Smirnoff (24/30/54): Whereas Rob
has peaked at the right time, JR, possibly due to injury, has slipped over the
past week, with one of his worst dances of the season coming during the
couple's cha cha. Although JR spent much of the dance "dancing by himself" (oh,
wait, that should be without quotes), something the judges always like (the one
without quotes), his timing suffered because of it, as he was always a
half-step ahead of Karina. Len even gave the couple a "7," a paddle that I
thought was retired once the Finals was reached. Just when it seemed like JR
& Karina could be done, they returned (almost) as strong as ever, with a
high-energy freestyle (and that's how a freestyle should be!). They basically
threw in every lift possible (with Carrie Ann saying they were the "sickest"
she's ever seen), even one that was giving them difficulty in rehearsal, and
left me scratching my head with a "that's it" when seeing it (JR, leaping into
the air, and basically planting his mirrorballs in Karina's face... huh?).
Although the judges gave them all perfect "10's," they were out-of-sync for the
final standing on some platforms while being assaulted by wind machines
section. But it was a true freestyle, throwing out everything that JR's learned
over the season, and well, who can describe it better than an in-heat Bruno: "Wild,
exuberant, with animal physicality. 'Twas like a jungle, tribal, hypnotic
yes-perience!" As someone who has had a few "yes-periences" in his
life, I can attest to the fact that it paled in comparison to mine. But
whatever, not everyone is as lucky as I am. The night's unlucky Worst Dressed
Award winner were these two, with JR rocking a hot pink hoodie, and Karina
showing that no matter how hot your body is, spray tan and hot pink do not mix.

With five votes in my possession, and the
balance of Mirror Ball Trophy power laying truly in my hands, I, like Kristin
Cavallari, had my own Sophie's Choice: do I give my votes to JR & Karina,
for being this season's best overall dancer, from Week 1 to Week Whatever This
Is, or do I give them to Rob & Cheryl, who progressed throughout the
season, with Rob really being the "perfect" Dancing
contestant. As my fingers shook, I took to my phone (I always hope that Brooke
will answer the line, though her math skills probably aren't that great), and
punched in... Rob & Cheryl's #2. I just see Rob and my progression on Dancing to be the same (and yes, I
never, ever give up on my dreams, no matter how impossible they seem, because,
I'll be honest, I think anything is possible), with us both going from showing
off their one dance move at the first rehearsal (mine: a one man Kid 'N Play)
to us both spinning their partners, helicopter-style, over their heads. And although I cast my vote in this fashion, barring a
complete disaster by JR tonight, as all of the couples take to the dance floor
for at least one more dance, I see him, and in the words of Len "this girl,"
hoisting the Mirror Ball Trophy in a celebration fitting of a "yeah."