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Monday, May 20, 2013

Query help!

I'm trying to throw together a halfway decent query for STUMPED, and am finding it difficult. And since my lovely blog readers were so helpful when I was writing my query for Sidewalks, I thought I'd give you all a shot at ripping this new one to shreds.

So have at it! I'm struggling to get Ozzy's voice in there. He's a very funny guy, even if his story doesn't sound humorous. And some of the situations he gets himself into are hilarious, even if they are kind of tragic at the same time.

Dear Agent of my Dreams,

XXXX (reason for choosing agent) so I thought you might
be interested in STUMPED, a 75 000 word contemporary YA novel.

Sixteen-year-old Ozzy Hellier has a shelf groaning with swimming
trophies, his brother’s car, good friends and a super-hot girlfriend who’s
ready to take their relationship to the next level.Tonight. At the lake.

But a missing condom scuttles his elaborate plans for seduction.Furious with himself, Ozzy drops his
girlfriend home and drives off - into the path of an oncoming truck. He wakes up in the hospital, both legs
amputated above the knees.

It’s hard enough to come to terms with everything he’s lost, but when
his girlfriend finally comes to visit and runs out of his hospital room gagging
after one look at him, Ozzy knows he’s a hideous freak. He becomes convinced he
blew his only chance at losing his virginity and sex takes on such a mythic
quality he’s sure it’s the only thing that will make him whole again.

Determined to prove he can still be a man despite his disability, Ozzy
throws himself into dumping the burden of his virginity, but finds there’s a
limited number of women willing to touch legless dudes in wheelchairs. He tries
his luck with a fellow amputee in his support group, but with only one leg
between them, the physical challenge leads to the first of many humiliating
failures. Another goes viral on
the internet. With every misadventure, it becomes increasingly
obvious that if Ozzy is going to do it, he’ll have to pay for the privilege.

Ozzy’s obsession takes him into the seedy underworld of brothels and
escort services where he learns that sex and intimacy are not the same thing,
and that sometimes the price you pay for getting what you want is much higher
than a sex worker’s fee.

I was inspired to write this book after meeting an Australian sex worker
whose advocacy for the disabled is extraordinary.

My short stories have
appeared in Halfway Down The Stairs, A Fly in Amber, Daily Flash Anthology,
The Barrier Islands Review, Death Rattle, Drastic Measures, Rapunzel’s
Daughters and Cutlass and Musket – Tales of Piratical Skulllduggery among
others.

Per your submission
guidelines, you will find XXX below.Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing
from you soon.

Regards,

Kate.

Thanking you in advance for your help.... Happy to return the favor whenever you need it.

1 comment:

First story paragraph - I'd rearrange it a little. Right now it sounds like the shelf contains all those other things.

As for the rest of it, the query has a dark comedy kind of tone to it, and I know that's appropriate to Ozzy's voice. You've done a great job focusing on the conflict

The one suggestion I have is it feels like it needs to be trimmed a bit. I like mention of the mishaps, but it tells us more than once that he's obsessed with losing his virginity, and more than once that he's decided he needs to pay for it in order to get it.

The consequences spelled out in the query letter (all the mishaps) almost feel stronger than the concluding consequences. You may have tipped your hand just a little too much in this one.

Those are my initial thoughts. It's still a great query though. Definitely conveys the story well.

About Me

Author of An Unstill Life and STUMPED (releasing 15 December 2017) I am a writer, marketing executive for a national film agency, film reviewer and mother to two boys. As you can imagine, with all that going on, I don't sleep much.