Tuesday, February 22, 2011

As rebellion spreads across the Middle East and Africa, I’ve been asking myself, how can I help the more fashion-conscious protesters? After all, the photos my beloved friend Hind from Alexandria, Egypt sent me clearly demonstrate that fashionistas desperately need help standing out in these crowds.

But I guarantee if you wear this Cleopatra High Hat, you’ll make an unforgettable impression on your peers, the press, and probably the police as well. Okay, that last one’s not a happy outcome, but at least you’ll be rubbing your dictator’s face in the Egyptian people’s recent success.

Whereas, there have been no Tunisian DIYers to date, and their new government has yet to declare Poodlefest a national holiday. So, until that happy day, I’m just going to pretend to be concerned but ultimately ignore this injustice. After all, as a Westerner, I’ve had decades of practice!

For the complete pattern and a sneak peak at revolutionary Alexandria:

Round 1: TOP SECTION: Ch 3, join with a sl st to form ring, work 6 sc into ring.Round 2: Work 2 sc in each sc around – there are 6 sc increased.Round 3: *Work 2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in next sc: repeat from * around. Mark ends of rounds, but do not join rounds.Round 4: *1 sc in each of next 2 sc, 2 sc in next sc: repeat from *.Round 5: Work 1 sc in first sc, *2 sc in next sc, 1 sc in each of next 3 sc: repeat from * around until 6 sc are increased.
Continue in this manner to increase 6 sc evenly on each round, working 1 more st between increases, being sure that increases do not come over each other until 14 rounds are completed, 84 sc in round, work measures 8’’ in diameter. Work 1 Round of sc PICKING UP FRONT LOOP OF STITCH ONLY – 84 sc in round.

Hey, watch it with the all-caps shouting! Now is definitely NOT a time to behave like a grumpy dictator.

Instead, you should be like Hind’s daughter Butheina (right) and her granddaughter Lina (left). Look how cheerfully they’re cleaning up after the protesters!

1st Short Row: Count back 24 sts from last st worked, join yarn to next st back, work 1 sc in this st and in each of next 2 sts, work 1 hdc in each of next 44 sts, work 1 sc in each of next 3 sts, break off. (the 20 sts omitted are for the front of hat).2nd Short Row: Join yarn in 2nd sc of last short row, work 1 sc in this st, work (a Bangle sc in next st, a plain sc in next st) across to within last sc of last row, break off.3rd Short Row: Join yarn in 2nd sc of last short row, work 1 sc in this st and in each of next 2 sts, work 1 hdc in each st of last row to within last 4 sts, work 1 sc in each of next 3 sts, break off.
Repeat last 2 short rows twice.8th Short Row: Work as for 2nd Short Row: but do not break off, work 1 round of sc around entire lower edge of hat, join with sl st, break off.

FINISHING: Make a circle of wire 8’’ in diameter. Working from left side of hat, over free loops left on Round 15 of Top Section, working over wire, work 1 sc in each st around, break off.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you’re no doubt thinking about knitting something special for the man you love. Don’t do it! You may believe that only sweaters will curse a relationship, but even knitting a fifteen foot scarf for your boyfriend is a one way ticket to Lonely-Town!

Still, you’re desperate to prove you love him, so what’s a girl to do?

Clearly, you need to ditch the whole subtle approach and expose your supersized heart for everyone to see. That way, he can’t claim he doesn’t know just how incredibly super awesomely much you love him. Why every time he looks at your chest your Valentine message will be right there in his face. “I Loooove You this MUCH!”

In fact, this could be the beginning of a whole new way of communicating with your boyfriend. Anything you really want to say to him, just crochet or knit it onto your chest.

“Honey, you’re a slob, and I don’t approve of your friends.”

For the complete pattern (and more snark!):

All Heart

These directions are for small size (8-10) and medium size (12-14).

Evidently large size ladies don’t wear “skimps”. Skimp being another word for vest, sleeveless pullover and the rather suggestively named potholder. (Hopefully, your pots come in pairs!)

In the seventies, fashion designers weren’t all heart when it came to plus size gals. However, skimps for skinny girls were far from their worst offence.

Yes, this is what “chubby” looked like in the heroin chic, starving seventies.

Poor Tracy. This pink pleated perky nightmare has been cruelly designed to make her look perfectly cylindrical, utterly waist-less, and neck-less too. No wonder she doesn’t care if chubby fashions are hard to find – she probably prays nightly that the local Sears will burn to the ground.

I was briefly excited to see the word Canadian in the pattern, but then I noticed that Bernat believes Canadians sort their Crochet Hooks according to a 24 hour clock. And also make them out of wool.

Yes, I live in a magical, if very cold, land.

OR ANY SIZE HOOK THAT WILL GIVE THE STITCH GAUGE GIVEN BELOW

GAUGE
3 sts = 1 inch on Size I hook
7 sts = 2 inches on Size J hook

NOTE 1: Both sizes are made on the same number of stitches, using the hook suggested for the correct GAUGE.

Note 2: Always count turning chain as 1 d c.

Granted, these notes may be useful for the beginning crocheter, but why do pattern editors always feel the need to shout at noobs? Are they really afraid they’ll use the hook suggested for the correct gouge instead of gauge?

Mind you, with this particular pattern the ability to correctly gouge with a crochet hook would be welcome. So maybe those all-caps are not a bully’s shout, but a terrified scream.

“It’s gauge, GAUGE! Please don’t gouge holes in me just because I wrote an incomprehensible pattern riddled with errors!”

HEART: Make 2. Using M C, ch 4. Row 1: 2 d c in first st of ch, ch 3, turn – 3 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next space, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 5 d c. Row 3: 1 d c in space of turning ch (inc), 1 dc in next 3 d c, 2 d c in last d c (inc) ch 3, turn – 7 d c. Continue to inc one st at beg and end of every row until there are 36 d c, ch 3, turn. TO DIVIDE FIRST HALF: Row 1: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn – 17 d c. Rows 2 and 3: 1 d c in each of the next 16 d c, ch 3, turn. Row 4: 1 d c in each of the next 13 d c, y o hook, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw up a loop in next st, y o, draw through 2 loops on hook, y o, draw through 3 loops on hook (dec), 1 d c in tuning chain, ch 3, turn – 16 d c. Row 5: 1 dec st in next st. 1 d c in each of the next 10 d c, 1 dec st in next st, 1 d c in turning ch, ch 3, turn – 2 sts dec. Continue to dec 1 st at beg and end of EVERY row until 6 sts remain. Fasten off. SECOND HALF: Starting at center of heart, skip 1 d c, join yarn in next d c and work to correspond to first half, working first dec at beginning of Row 4. Fasten off. EDGING: Join Color A in lower tip of heart and work 2 s c in edge of each row around side of heart. Fasten off. Join yarn at neck edge of heart...

Did you know your neck circumference is actually linked to your risk of heart disease? The bigger it is, the higher your chances of having a heart attack.

Feel free to share this fun fact with your date this Valentine’s Day! Men love it when you lecture them about their health.

... and work 2 s c in edge of each row to other side of neck edge. Fasten off. Join yarn at outside edge of remaining side of heart and work to correspond to other side, join with sl st to first st at tip of heart. Fasten off. SHOULDER STRAPS: Row 1: With right side facing you and working at top of heart, join Color A in first st, ch 3, 1 s c in each of the next 5 d c across row, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Row 2: 1 d c in each s c, ch 3, turn – 6 d c. Repeat Row 2 six times more. Fasten off. Work other shoulder straps in same manner. SIDE LACING: Join Color A to st at tip of heart...

Do not confuse the tip of the heart with the top, or your skimp will not be tip-top.

Ba-dum-cha!

Men also find ba-dum-chas veeerrry sexy.

... and ch 20 sts loosely, turn. Row 1: 1 d c in 4th st of ch, * skip 1 st, ch 1, 1 d c in next st, repeat from * 7 times more (10 d c), ch 1, skip 2 s c at edge of heart, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at same edge, ch 1, turn. Row 2: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending 1 d c in top of turning chain, ch 4, turn – 9 d c. Row 3: * 1 d c in next d c, ch 1, repeat from * 7 times more, ending skip 2 s c, 1 s c in each of the next 3 s c at edge of heart, ch 1, turn – 9 d c, Row 4: Skip first d c, * 1 d c in next d c, chain 1, repeat from * 6 times more, ending 1 d c in turning ch, ch 4, turn – 8 d c. Continue to work in this manner having 1 d c less at heart edge every other row until 16 rows have been completed, ending last row with 1 d c, ch 1, 1 d c in top of turning ch. Fasten off. Join Color A at tip of heart and work other side to correspond. Work same side lacings on other heart. Sew shoulder seams. SIDE EDGING: Using Color B and with right side facing you, join Color B in corner st of side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in next space (V), repeat from * 13 times more, ending 5 d c in next space (corner), 2 d c in next space, 1 s c in each s c to shoulder strap, 2 s c in each d c across shoulder straps, 1 s c in each s c of second heart, 2 d c in next space, 5 d c in corner space, 2 d c in each of the next 15 spaces. Fasten off. Work same edging around other side. NECK EDGING: Join Color B in s c at divide for heart and work 1 s c in each s c around to shoulder strap, work 2 s c in each space around shoulder strap. Work same edging around remaining neck edging and other shoulder strap, join with a sl st. Fasten off. TO JOIN SIDE LACINGS OF FRONT AND BACK: With wrong sides of heart touching...

That’s right, when it comes to your heart(s), two wrongs DO make a right!

So, if you’re still a spinster, it’s because you’ve let yourself be guided by outmoded concepts like fair play and the rule of law. Fortunately, this pattern has now provided you with a far more practical philosophy for your dating relationships.

... join M C in space at lower edge of front, * ch 3, 1 s c in first space of back, ch 3, 1 s c in space between 2 d c of next V of front, repeat from * to armhole edges, ending skip 2 d c of corner, 1 s c in next space, ch 3, skip 2 d c of corner of other armhole, 1 s c in same space. Fasten off. Join other side lacings in same manner. BAND AT LOWER EDGE: With right side facing you, join Color B at side lacing, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c (V) in each space around entire lower edge, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Join M C in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, * 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off M C. Join Color B in space of V, ch 3, 1 d c in same space, 2 d c in space of V, repeat from * around, join with sl st. Fasten off Color B. Steam lightly.

Now slip on your brand new All Heart skimp and pick out just the right Valentine’s Day card for your beloved.

Why yes, darling. I will stab you through the heart with my giant steel needles if you break my big, crocheted heart. But don’t worry, I KNOW you love me best of all.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Seriously, that shaggy stuff drooping from her knitwear doesn’t look remotely real. However, it’s a timely reminder that you should always take off your mitts before eating cotton candy.

You can bundle up in cold weather and still look pretty as a picture with fur-trimmed accessories like these. The head covering and mittens have a knitted-in diamond pattern. Ribbing around the neck, face and mitten cuff proves a snug, warm fit. Strips of real fur are sewed on for a unique touch.

Wait, what? That’s REAL fur actually peeled off a REAL animal?

C’mon, what kind of creature has fur like that?

Holy Spaceballs, first a Wookie, and now a Wampa! Although, to be fair, hunting Wampas wasn’t made illegal until a full decade after this pattern was published.

What? Doesn’t everyone know that one of the first acts of the successful Rebels was to protect the gentle, misunderstood Wampa from maniacs with lightsabers?

You must at least be aware of the shameful black market trade in Wampa-skin rugs. Rumour has it that Princess Leia is now wanted for shooting several endangered Wampas from her Space Helicopter.

She’s such a maverick.

For the complete pattern (and more snowman skinning horror):

FUR TRIMMED HELMET/MITTENS

SIZES: One Size Fits All.

Yep, one size fits all, in exactly the same way that the ribbing around the helmet can be described as a “snug, warm fit”.

Hurray, the helmet and mitts aren’t trimmed with real fur after all! Lopi is yarn that comes from the fleece of Icelandic sheep, which means the trim is made from hanks of unspun wool. So, you can make this pattern with a clear conscience.

NOTES: Use bobbins for color changes. Change colors on wrong side, lock strands by picking up new color from under dropped color to prevent holes. Cut and join colors as needed. Run in ends on wrong side. To Follow Chart: Odd Rows (right side): K from right to left on Chart. Even Rows: P from left to right on Chart.

Yes, there’s a couple of charts. Let me assure you,
no animals, real or imaginary, have ever been harmed in the production of charts.

No, really, they’re all fine. A little psychotic, perhaps, but still fine.

Otherwise, you might reverse the colours A and B which will lead to all sorts of ecological trouble. Birds will fly off course, bees will try to pollinate you... it’ll be complete anarchy!

Thumb (right side): K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 26 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next 2 sts, k 12 sts. Working on 28 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 2 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 30 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 4, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 32 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, inc 1 st in next st, k 6, inc 1 st in next st, k 12 sts. Working on 34 sts, p across. Next Row: K 12 sts, and sl them on first st holder, k next 9 sts for thumb, sl remaining 13 sts on 2nd holder, turn work and cast on 1 st (this cast-on st will be before 9 sts knitted on last row). Working on 10 sts, work in St st until piece measures 4’’ or desired length for thumb, ending with a p row. K 2 tog across next row (5 sts). P 2 tog twice (3 sts). Leaving a 10’’ strand, cut yarn. Run end through remaining sts; draw sts tog. Using same piece of yarn, sew sides of thumb tog. Join yarn at base of thumb where sts were put on 2nd holder; k across 13 sts on holder. Next Row: P across 13 sts, and with same strand of yarn p across sts from first holder. Working on 25 sts, work in St st following chart until piece measures 4 ½’’ from joining or desired length to top of little finger, ending with a p row. SHAPE TOP – Dec Row 1: K 1, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso, work to within last 3 sts, k 2 tog, k 1. Next Row: Purl. Next Row: Bind off center st, place marker between 2 center sts. Repeat Dec Row 1, 3 times; and at same time k 2 tog before center marker, sl 1 as to k, k 1, psso after center marker 3 times (10 sts). Weave top tog. Work Left Mitten the same, beg Chart for diamond motifs with B instead of A.

As an alternative to Lopi “fur”, which tragically appears to have gone extinct, I recommend using faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam press pieces. Sew side seams tog. With MC work 1 row sc along lower edge of Cuff. Fasten off. Fur Trim: Holding Mitten with Cuff away from you, using MC, work sc in each st around bottom of ribbing for ridge. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against Cuff.

However, always ensure that your faux fur comes from an ethical supplier.

This woman is presently serving jail time for disemboweling these teddies in front of several (now permanently traumatized) children.

The second eco-friendly chart – guaranteed to be 100% organic and vegan-friendly.

Next Row: Working on 96 sts, p across following chart for motifs; and at the same time, dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times, ending with Row 8. Rows 9 and 10: Work in pat on 72 sts. Next Row: Dec 1 st in center of each MC section every other row 3 times. Ribbing. Change to No. 9 needles. Working on 48 sts, work in k 1, p 1 ribbing for 3’’, ending on the right side. Next Row (wrong side): With MC, * p 4 sts, inc 1 st in next st, repeat from * twice, p 3, drop yarn, join another ball of MC, work next 12 sts in ribbing as established and sl them on a holder for face opening, with same strand of MC, p 3 sts, * inc 1 st in next st, p 4 sts, repeat from * twice. Left Half – Next Row: Working on 21 sts, work from WW to X on Chart B-2, then from Y to V on Chart B-1, then from W to WW, then with MC work last 3 sts (face edge). This establishes diamond design. Following Charts B-1 and B-2 for diamond motifs, work 3 sts at face edge in MC, work in pat until piece measures 8’’ above ribbing or desired length to top of back of head, ending with a wrong side row on Chart; and at the same time repeat pat rows reversing Colors when charts are completed. Keeping continuity of pat throughout, on next row bind off 7 sts. Work in pat on 14 sts for 3 rows. On next row bind off first 7 sts. Work in pat for 3 rows. Bind off last 7 sts. Right Half: Join MC at right front neck edge and k first 2 sts; work from WW to X on chart, then from Y to V, then from W to WW. This establishes diamond design. Work to correspond to Left Half, ending 1 row less than Left Half before bind-off. Work same as for Left Half.

If you’re too busy saving the world to wade through this long, indigestible chunk of text, you can always skip the knitting and just use the faux fur.

FINISHING: Steam-press lightly. Sew back and top seam, matching diamonds. Face Ribbing: With right side facing, No. 9 circular needle and MC, beg at neck edge on right half, pick up and k 1 in 3 out of every 4 rows or sts around entire face edge, making sure to have an even number of sts; then work 12 sts from holder on front ribbing as established. Join and work in ribbing for 5 rnds. Bind off loosely in ribbing. With MC work 2 rows of sc along lower edge of hood. Fasten off. Fur Trim: With right side facing, using MC, work 1 row sc around base of ribbing along row from which sts were picked up for ridge. Beg at neck on Right Half and end at neck on Left Half; do not work across 12 sts of ribbing on front. Sew fur under ridge so that fur will lay against helmet.

Because nothing says “I love all of nature’s children” like wearing the skinned carcass of a stuffed animal you killed all by yourself.

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.