This season is full of question marks after last season’s screwball bowling injuries and salsa dancing controversies. And that was just Andrew Bynum! The only seemingly sure thing is the Miami Heat. But much like Pat Riley’s perfectly coiffed, unmoving Lego hair, it feels like the whole thing could come tumbling down if all the pieces aren’t perfectly placed.

So, without further ado, my surely on-the-nose predictions for the 2013-2014 season. Starting with the slightly improved from last year Eastern Conference:

1) Miami Heat – What can I say? They’re the new LA Lakers. They’re monsters and even though losing Mike Miller makes them just a titch less good than last year, there still seems to be no end in sight to their domination. That’s not even considering the low-risk, high-reward signings of Michael Beasley and Greg Oden. And you can just forget about LeBron going back to Cleveland next year. That’s like Miley Cyrus going back to Hannah Montana. It’s too late. We’ve already see your molly.

2) Chicago Bulls – Derrick Rose’s knee is either going to win a championship or explode like a pinata filled with liberals at an NRA convention. Being a Timberwolves fan, my inclination is to believe that all injuries that can happen, will happen. So in my mind, Derrick Rose has three weeks before a Looney Tunes anvil falls on him or he runs off a cliff. Good luck, Chicago! Bring an umbrella and don’t look down.

3) Indiana Pacers – I want to like the Indiana Pacers. They’re a good team. But they’re unfortunately located in the most wretched, backwards state in the union. I got my car window busted out there for no reason other than that they were jealous that I was able to leave. I would rather drink out of a BP oil slick than watch some angry hoosier talk with their peach-fuzz mustaches flapping and their John Cougar Mellancamp blasting. “Little ditty, ’bout Jack and Diane…” Kill me.

4) Brooklyn Nets – Another team I want to like, but just don’t see it happening. The Grim Reaper is coming for Kevin Garnett’s career this year. Mark my words! That dude has had a phenomenal run (his best statistical years were here in MN!) but I just believe that he’s going to be crestfallen and brittle this year. By the way, it’s been pathetic hearing Boston Celtics fans go “It’ll be so hard to see Kevin Garnett in another jersey!” Oh yeah? Cry me a river, Paddy. Ask MN what that’s like! At least you guys got a title out of it. And you don’t get to mourn a player whose name you can’t even fully pronounce. “Gahhhhhnett! Don’t leave, Gahhhhhhnet!”

5) New York Knicks – Here’s the problem: No way Carmelo Anthony is having that good of a season two years in a row. Amare Stoudemire makes Greg Oden look like Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable.” And they just signed a guy who couldn’t get decent stats in Toronto. With Metta World Peace in the picture now, maybe the Knicks can relive some of those psychotic Charles Oakley/Anthony Mason “Sometimes we play basketball while we’re destroying souls” days. Could Anthony Mason even raise his arms above his head?

Anthony Mason’s 1995 Knicks team photo. Photo from comicvine.com

6) Atlanta Hawks – When I was a kid growing up in Iowa in the 80s and 90s, there were literally only two NBA teams you could watch regularly. The Chicago Bulls on WGN and the Atlanta Hawks on TBS. One had the greatest player of all time and rattled off six championships. The other had an average of 10 fans in the stadium who accidentally stumbled in because they thought it was monster truck night. Even with ‘Nique, the choice was obvious. Water-polo in the North Pole has more fans.

7) Washington Wizards – It’s troubling that Emeka Okafor is already out indefinitely, but this is definitely a team on the rise. John Wall hasn’t quite made the leap to superstar level, and this is the year he needs to do it. If they can get Okafor back eventually and stay healthy otherwise, they should make the playoffs. And poor Glen Rice Jr. has so much to live up to. His dad was an NBA all-star AND had sex with Sarah Palin. Maybe Jr. should try Michele Bachmann?

8) Detroit Pistons – There is a glimmer of hope in Detroit. Andre Drummond, Greg Monroe, Josh Smith, Brandon Jennings, Chauncey Billups, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope III Esquire Jr. The Pistons look great in theory! Unfortunately, so did a stripper party at Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s house. Thank you Detroit, for making Minnesota feel better about electing Jesse Ventura. But I’m not going to rain on Detroit’s parade too much. I’m rooting for them in the East.

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9) Cleveland Cavaliers – Any team relying on Andrew Bynum will fall short.

10) Milwaukee Bucks – The Bucks made the playoffs last year with a losing record. I’m almost positive it was on accident, because they ended up missing the lottery because of it. The good news is, since Wisconsin is a football state, nobody will notice when they become the Seattle Supersonics.

11) Toronto Raptors – Basketball in Canada. Need I say more?

12) Boston Celtics – Unlike the Lakers, the Celtics are used to dipping down into Awful Town for a few years. They’ll get make it back eventually in ten years or so.

13) Charlotte Bobcats – The Minnesota Timberwolves won 22, 24 and 15 in the years that Al Jefferson played with us. Why do the Bobcats think that Al Jefferson is their answer when they have an arguably worse team than we did? Because they’re actually deceptively tanking to get Andrew Wiggins in the draft but don’t want to look like they’ve given up. Well played, Charlotte. Give me a call when you’re the Hornets again.

14) Orlando Magic – Hey, when I kept getting rejected for the prom I just stopped trying. Take a hint, Orlando. You’re screwed.

15) Philadelphia 76ers – I’m surprised the 76ers are even attempting to put basketball players in. I don’t recall a team giving up so completely as this one. Two pizza dudes, my grandma and an unmanned kayak could beat this team. Contender #1 for the “Riggin’ for Wiggins” sweepstakes.

That’s it for the Eastern Conference. Stay tuned for my predictions for the less depressing and infuriatingly tough Western Conference!