Grandpa and Daddy

I tried so hard grandpa, i know you knew i did. Couldn't stop you though. Couldn't stop what they did to you either. I love you so much ***hugs*** Guess nothing to stop me either huh? Good enough for you good enough for me...you taught me so much. surrogate father while mine was overseas for so many years. Much of my life has been lived based on lessons learned from you. Mustangs, lol. You taught me the gentle way with them and i shall always be grateful for that and for so much more. I guess your death was a lesson too...you couldn't take the pain either. I find myself wondering how long you sat on that couch with it, how long it took before you gave in. I wonder, because i am there where you are. I love you...and hey, i understand. In a perfect world it would never have happened.

Daddy, I love you. I hope what i did was right by you....I promised since i was merely four, that i would take care of it, while my own bro intended to toss you down a fucking toilet. IT was a fight, but i did what i promised all my life. Will never know if it was murder or by your own hand...was too much of fight getting things taken care of for you. Sorry you had to sit at the fucking medical examiners so long but you know who to thank for that. Always haunted me, the 911 tape. My own bro refusing to do cpr when you were still so young and full of life...the pictures that man took of you...haunt my head. WHY? WHy would someone do that? leave you there, go 5 miles to get a bloody camera, then come back and take photogs? then call family, then call 911??? WTF? Forgive me please for any wrongdoing, i did try to do right by you. I love you dearly daddy. I fucking miss you like crazy and wish you were there for me to talk too. Right now i need you. i am sorely afraid. i am so scared. the tears never stop.

Why the fuck did you guys both leave me? I need someone now. Someone wise with age. A shoulder. Guess you two felt alone too, although i seemed to always be there for you...guess it was not good enough, eh? Chalk up another fuck up by me.

and hey Joel, fuck you my friend i love you too...at least you were not alone. not like i am alone in this.

and R.and Frank, and Chris, and the rest of you...always holding you in my heart.

why is it i feel abandoned? yet in a sense, i have you all there...out there somewhere? Perhaps? Who knows. Maybe you are right here with me at this moment to provide courage? :no: but i still feel so all alone.

I love you all. Forgive me for any wrongdoings to any of you, i would never hurt any of you intentionally.

My heart is with yours, soon.

heh, and will it weigh less than a feather...something someone taught me last evening. I'd rather go to the depths of some hell to be with you all than anywhere else. ha, and i do not even believe in a hell, oh well....i hope i see you.

Maybe you can write a letter as you would to them and send it to people who care, so that they will know what you need. I have lost people who are very dear to me as well, and I know the void that cannot be filled by their absence. I am sorry for your losses...big hugs, J

Hun they hear you and i do believe they see you I knowthey would only want healing and happiness for you I am sorry for your sadness Kali i know the loss of someone and it never stops Think about how your grandpa would want his little girl to be happy and full of song okay Hugs and more hugs

Thank you. ***hugs*** Eclipse...it's about the only thing i have left, is that i really do care about all of you, and i have hugs to share :sad:

never had trouble coping with it before
sure, sadness, but i did proactive things to honor them
to always remember them, finding ways so they would live on

but...now, in this...what do i call it? This, no words...this being caged, trapped, weak, i'm so confused i cannot even talk properly
it's just all bottled up, locked inside, i can't express, i just, i feel like i'm walking backwards, backing away, backing off, fading, shutting down without even trying or wanting too? difficult to convey.

I am so greatly sorry for your losses, you have lost so many people, it's understandable why it is so difficult. When my granddad died, I felt exactly like you, the quesion I asked was "Why? Why did he go?" But I knew I couldn't bring him back, I spoke to a support helpline, ChildLine who suggested I made something in memory on him, such as a scrap book, a video, basically something that you can treasure forever. So I made a scrap book, with pictures notes and even a piece of his clothing. Everytime I look through the album, I now know he is somewhere safe in heaven and god is watching him, how would you feel about going that Kali?
He will forever be in your heart and never leave you Kali, take care!

Let's see if my clarity and ability to articulate is any better this morning. So in 1990, on the evening of the 16th, i had a dream consisting only of a calender with many flowers circling the date of the 17th, kind of like a wreath, the feeling with it was not pleasant. Until recently i've never been a fan of flowers. The flowers from his funeral, certain ones....specific, etched forever in my memory.

Mother and i used to speak twice or so a day. I couldn't reach her, she was not at work...the woman who in 24 years rarely took a day off work and when she did, i was informed. By 4 in the afternoon i knew something was going on. I finally became quite insistent at finding out whether mother was okay or why no one would talk to me. Come to find out ***Tears*** no one wanted to tell me. I was closest to my grandfather, matter of fact he had made statements; I have 9 children, 18 grandchildren and great grandchildren, yet the only one who seems to care, is my granddaughter. I won't get into it but that man knew my heart from the time i was three and they tried to beat my primary language out of me...he did something as a kind of F.U. to everyone at that time. Over the course of my pain filled growing up he did that many times showing how much he cared. I spent a great deal of time with him as a child. I was his buddy on the ranch. Gawd, i have so many memories, life lessons he taught me. Interestingly, his own children remember primarily pain, as you know sometimes parents take a while to learn, he was no different, he was by far a better grandparent than parent...isn't that so true though, for many. We hope those that come along after us just keep improving on the parenting skills.

All my life i spent time with him, picking him up taking him places...for fun. I grew things for him the way he taught me, when he no longer could. Not something he asked of me, just a desire to bring some joy into his life. A lot of little things like that. Daily in my work I use what i have learned from him, and from many others.

I tried so hard to prevent what was going to happen, but i was simply a grandchild...i had no real control over the events and had never dealt with these types of things. I gained many skills as an advocate from the experience. Also learned to fight with ferocity, for those in need. I knew it would destroy him. It pains me, thinking of him sitting there with his "tool". Alone. That hurts. A lot. Position i also find myself in. sitting here...

He did show them in the end though, a week prior. I still have to spend time in that house, in that room where he sat alone. UGh. Right now so many memories of that time flood my head, details.

need to stop for the moment. kind of difficult to see the monitor. perhaps shared too much as it is.

i don't know why, but my head gets flooded with details and memories etc of another relative and a friend who both used same method. kind of like some weird chain reaction of thoughts.

I'm also coping with another loss at the moment that is fucking my head up and shredding my heart.

everything around me just seems so strange anymore. detached. I can't connect. I can't connect with the things i love, cared about, created. difficult to describe. i don't want to do anything any more. i'm like just tired. tired of fighting physical pain. tired of just everything.

the other loss has left me in almost constant sobbing. Fortunately today, several people had emergencies (unfortunate for them) i needed to assist with, otherwise it would have simply been another day of this non stop tears.