Monthly Archives: October 2013

Conservatives who love to brag about American exceptionalism must come here to California, and see it in person. And then they should be afraid. Because while right-wingers are taking over places like North Carolina and Texas and even Wisconsin, California is creating the kind of modern, liberal nation the country as a whole can only dream about. And not only can’t the rest of the country stop us — we’re going to drag you with us.

Now, it wasn’t that long ago that pundits were calling California a failed state and saying it was ungovernable. But in 2010, when other states were busy electing whatever Tea Partier claimed to hate government the most, we elected a guy who actually liked it — Jerry Brown. And without a Republican governor and without a legislature cock-blocked by Republicans, a $27 billion deficit was turned into a surplus.

How? Well it’s amazing, really. We did something economists call cutting spending and raising taxes. I know, it sounds like crazy science fiction, but you see, here in California, we’re not just gluten-free and soy-free and peanut-free, we’re Tea Party free!

Yes, we can live in reality! I mean, Texas could do it too, but they love “freedom” too much. Like when that unregulated fertilizer plant blew up. In California, when things blow up, it’s because we’re making a Jason Statham movie. No, California is not perfect, but it is in our nature to try new things. For example, now that it’s clear Obamacare is going to be a success here, the movement to just go all the way to single payer is gathering steam.

In lots of areas, California has decided not to wait around for the caboose part of America to get on board. Yokels can mock “European style democracies” all they want. We’re building one here — gay marriage, pot smoking, regulating carbon. And people like it. The same way when Americans come back from a vacation in Europe, they all say the same thing: “I saw titties on the beach!” But they also remark on the modern airports and train stations over there, and the absence of beggars in the street, and food that tastes like food. And they wonder, “Why can’t we get that here?”

Well, you will be getting that here, courtesy of the Golden State. Why? Because we’re huge. We’re huge! 40 million of us! When we demand something, the market must supply it. Like when California set a high mileage standard for cars sold in this state, Detroit had to make more efficient cars. California by itself is the 8th largest economy in the world, the fifth largest agricultural exporter, and of course, #1 in laser vaginal rejuvenation. Oh, I pat myself on the back.

You know, it’s so ironic, the two things conservatives love the most — the free market and states rights — are the two things that are going to bend this country into California’s image as a socialist fagtopia. Maybe our constipated Congress in Washington can’t pass gun control laws, but we just did. Because we don’t give a shit about the NRA. Out here, that stands for “Nuts, Racists, and Assholes.”

And while other state governments are working with Jesus to make abortion more miserable — because otherwise women would just use it for weight loss — California is making it easier. And while immigrants are demonized in Washington and elsewhere, in California we just OK’d driver’s licenses for undocumented aliens. That’s right, we’re letting them drive cars — just like white people! Because we can’t be worrying about all the nonsense that keeps Fox News viewers up at night, when they should be in bed adjusting their sleep apnea masks.

So in conclusion, my message to the rest of America is just this: DO NOT RESIST!! Kneel before Zod! California has been setting the trend in America for decades, and it’s not going to stop now. We say jump, you say, “Please, sell me new exercise clothes for jumping.” We said put cilantro in food, and dammit, you did, you put cilantro in food, even though neither one of us knows what it is. And almond milk? Come on! We just had some extra almonds and thought we’d fuck with you.