Bitchslap!!! Installment 1 of 4 (2017)

Posted by Houdini on 10/08/17

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Installment 1 of 4

It is once again that time of year where I do some reflection on what has transpired so far in the fantasy football season. In particular, this is the time to look back on the players who you drafted with the hopes of winning you a championship, but who have not given the type of production that was expected. This is a chance for me to get even for all of you owners that have been let down by these players, and hopefully spur them on to better days ahead. The first installment looks at the performances of players between NFL Weeks 1-4, with 5-8, 9-12 and 13-16 as the following installments. If any player were to be included in all four installments they will be crowned with the Golden Sombrero Bitchslap!!! or GSBS!!! Without any further ado, let’s get to slapping some fools!!!

QUARTERBACKS

DEREK CARR

Derek, the way you started the season, 492 passing yards with five touchdowns and no interceptions through two weeks, I did not figure for you to be on my list, but your last two performances were just awful. In Week 3 you threw for 118 yards with one touchdown and two interceptions and followed up that with another stinker throwing for 143 yards with one score. Now you are dealing with a major back problem and while I am not a chiropractor the only correction I know how to give is this BITCHSLAP!!!

MATT RYAN

Matty Ice is a true enough nickname for you, the way you have iced your owners out of victories this season. You threw for 321 yards in Week 1, but have only topped 255 yards once since then. That would be fine if you were throwing touchdowns like last year, but instead you have a mere five touchdown passes with five interceptions on the season. For all the weapons that you have on this offense to be putting up these craptastic numbers is a crime. At this time last year you had 11 touchdowns with two interceptions, and this year you have a BITCHSLAP!!!

BEN ROETHLISBERGER

Ben, you have been as mediocre as ever this year with bland game after bland game. You have topped 250 passing yards in only one game this year, and have thrown for just one touchdown in a game twice. You currently rank 20th amongst quarterbacks, which is absurd when you have AB, MB and LB to distribute the ball to. That has made owners of those players angry as well, and they have called for it and I will deliver your BITCHSLAP!!!

CAM NEWTON

Cam you had a fantastic game in Week 4, but that was not enough to cover up the train wreck you were for your owners in the first three weeks. In those games you threw for a combined 566 yards with two touchdowns and four interceptions, and you failed to help your owners on the ground with 46 yards and only one touchdown. You showed great flash in Week 4, so I am going to give you a motivational kick in the ass with this BITCHSLAP!!!

RUNNING BACKS

LESEAN MCCOY

Shady, you started off the season with a bang running for 110 yards and catching five passes for 49 yards, but you over your next three games you ran for 106 yards and caught 16 passes for 114 yards. Thankfully you were adding yards through the air because you look like your running on empty with a 3.2 YPA and no touchdowns over the first four weeks. You were a top-10 pick and have given your owners nothing but regret, but the one thing they won’t regret is seeing you get your first BITCHSLAP!!!

DEMARCO MURRAY

Demarco, it has been a complete turnaround from the standout season you had a year ago. You have only had one breakout game in Week 3 with 115 rushing yards and a touchdown, but the other three games only produced 44, 25 and 31 rushing yards all without a touchdown. You are no longer getting the high volume of touches, which hurts, but not as much as this high volume BITCHSLAP!!!

CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY

Hey rookie you were supposed to take the fantasy world by storm, but instead seem like you have a dark cloud hanging over you. As a runner you have been nothing special with 89 rushing yards on 32 carries and no touchdowns. You have been better through the air with 206 receiving yards, but you have not scored a touchdown yet. You have amazing speed, but have been bottled up this year, so I am going to welcome you to the NFL by popping open your first ever BITCHSLAP!!!

MARSHAWN LYNCH

Marshawn, you came back to football to play for your hometown Raiders, but it looks like your best football may have been left on the couch at home playing Madden. You gained 76 yards on the ground in Week 1, and have seen your rushing totals decrease each week since: 45, 18 and 12 yards. You were also brought in to be a battering ram at the goal line, but have only scored once and have a weak 3.4 YPA on the season. I want to remind you of your past, so bring the Beast Mode or in four weeks you will get another Least Mode BITCHSLAP!!!

JOE MIXON

Hey Joe, where you going with that football in your hand? Unfortunately, not very far as you have only rushed for 136 yards on the season with a paltry 2.6 YPA and no touchdowns. You have topped 50 yards rushing in a game just once, and have been held under 30 yards rushing twice. You have not brought the electric play that many expected; so hopefully I can help turn on the power with your first BITCHSLAP!!!

JAY AJAYI

Jay, you started out on fire in your first game with 122 yards on the ground, but have been silent in your next two games with 16 and 46 yards on the ground. You are also a big play guy, and that has eluded you with a long run of 20 yards so far on the season. The other thing that has eluded you is the endzone with no touchdowns, but there is one thing that did not elude you and that is your BITCHSLAP!!!

ISAIAH CROWELL

Crow, everyone thought you were a solid pick this year that was sure to out produce your draft slot, but that has absolutely not been the case. You have yet to rush for more than 50 yards in a game, have not found the endzone and averaging just 2.9 YPA. You have caused panic amongst your owners, and they are at a loss of what to do with you. Thankfully I know just what to do, so stand up and accept your BITCHSLAP!!!

PAUL PERKINS

Paul, you were supposed to be a sleeper this year as you took over the lead role in the Giants backfield, but all you have been is a backfire. As bad a Crowell has been, you make him look like an all-pro. You have managed rushing totals of 16, 10, 22 and 13 yards with no scores, and a ridiculous 1.9 YPA. You may have been the worst running back in the first four weeks and look like you might be the lead candidate for the GSBS!!!, but before we get there let me give you your first well earned BITCHSLAP!!!

EDDIE LACY

Eddie, you were supposed to rejuvenate your career playing in the Marshawn Lynch role for the Seahawks, but you look like an old boat in the water covered in Seagull poop. You only played in two games, and the second was only because of injuries to the rest of the backfield. You have rushed for 55 yards on 16 carries and have not gotten in the endzone. You have been doing a decent job keeping your weight down, but you are about to eat a big ol’ BITCHSLAP!!!

WIDE RECEIVERS

AMARI COOPER

Amari, there were a lot of experts that thought you were ready to make the jump into a top-5 receiver in fantasy…boy were they wrong. In Week 1 you had your best game of the season with five catches for 62 yards and a score, but followed that up with the following stat lines: 4-33, 1-6 and 2-9. That is not WR1 production, those are stats that get you benched and a wake the hell up BITCHSLAP!!!

JAMEISON CROWDER

Crowder, you were a sexy sleeper pick, but you have turned into the girlfriend from hell. Your high yardage game of the season went for 52 yards, and you have managed just 14 receptions for 106 yards with no scores on the season. At least the girlfriend from hell will give it up once in awhile, while you are just the bitchy the side and proud owner of this BITCHSLAP!!!

JULIO JONES

Julio, you were supposed to be a world-beater this year coming off a down season for you and unfortunately it looks like more of the same this year. You have just one 100-yard game so far this year and have been held under 70 yards twice, while failing to find the endzone all season long. That lack of production makes it easy to find you with this BITCHSLAP!!!

DEZ BRYANT

Dez, you had a tough schedule to start the year, but you are supposed to be one of the best receivers and should be able to overcome that…you didn’t. You have been held under 60 yards in three of four weeks, and have been held to two receptions in two games. You have found the endzone twice, but that barely masks the failures that you have given your fantasy owners who hope to see you get it turned around after this BITCHSLAP!!!

MARTAVIS BRYANT

From one Bryant to another and Martavis you have been even worse than Dez. You have been held under 50 yards in three weeks and have just one touchdown through four games. You are supposed to be a big play receiver, but that is hard to accomplish when you only catch 10 of your 23 targets so far on the season. That is a horrible catch rate, and a sure fire way to get in line for this BITCHSLAP!!!

DEMARYIUS THOMAS

Demaryius, you have been a far cry from the receiver we saw dominate the NFL with Peyton Manning, and this season it has been ho-hum all the way. You have totaled 67, 71, 98 and 11 passing yards in your four games, and have yet to find the endzone. Without touchdowns those are games that get owners L’s, and get you a BITCHSLAP!!!

TERRELLE PRYOR

Terrelle, you were supposed to be the most heavily targeted Washington receiver this year with the departure of Garcon and Jackson, but you have only topped three receptions in a game once this year. You also have yet to top the 70-yard mark in a game, and only have one touchdown so far. Your Weeks 2 and 3 performances that totaled four receptions for 50 yards were pure disasters for your owners, who want to see you pick up the pieces after your BITCHSLAP!!!

KELVIN BENJAMIN

Kelvin, you have been a Jekyll and Hyde this season with your only good performances coming in even numbered weeks. In Weeks 2 and 4 you totaled 10 receptions for 181 yards, while in Weeks 1 and 3 you totaled three receptions for 33 yards and failed to get in the endzone in any week. We don’t expect you to have 150-yard games, but we do expect touchdowns, and without them you should expect this BITCHSLAP!!!

DESEAN JACKSON

DJAX, you are always the big hit or miss player, but you have been all misses through the first four weeks of the season, thankfully for you it was only three games but still horrible. In Week 3 you had a strong performance with four receptions for 84 yards and a score, but had lines of 3-39 and 2-20 in your other two games. You have failed to hit on the deep shots this year, so hopefully you will get more in sync after this 70-yard BITCHSLAP!!!

T.Y. HILTON

T.Y., you have the excuse of not having Andrew Luck on the field, and with that being said you have managed decent stats, but not enough to get out of my cross hairs. You have been held under 60 yards in three games, and have found the endzone only once. There is a good chance that you don’t return to this article again when Andrew Luck returns, but until then get motivated by your BITCHSLAP!!!

TIGHT ENDS

HUNTER HENRY

Hunter, you have been a complete disappointment this season after showing such promise in your rookie campaign. You have been held under 20 receiving yards three times this year including two big fat ZEROS. Catching a touchdown with 16 yards receiving in Week 4 was a saving grace, but two donuts will always get you a BITCHSLAP!!!

JIMMY GRAHAM

Jimmy, you were supposed to take the next step in your progression with Russell Wilson, but that really seemed to be lacking after your 3-8 and 1-1 stat lines in your first two weeks. You looked better in Weeks 3 and 4 with 7-72 and 4-61, but you have yet to find the endzone this year. The Seahawks are trying everyone at running back, so you should be a bigger threat in the redzone, but instead you are a continuing threat to get a BITCHSLAP!!!

KYLE RUDOLPH

Last season you made major strides from a yardage and touchdown standpoint, but you have fallen into full regression this season. You found the endzone in Week 1, but only had 26 yards, and followed that up with 4-45, 1-4 and 2-34 with no touchdowns. We know that Bradford has been out, but that hasn’t stopped Stefon Diggs. Maybe you can get your car out of the mud after this BITCHSLAP!!!

MARTELLUS BENNETT

Martellus, you were supposed to be a big factor in the redzone and passing game for the Packers, but you have been mostly invisible. You have been held under 50 yards in every game this year and have yet to find the endzone. There are injuries all over the Packers roster and you still are not seeing a lot of targets from Aaron Rodgers. While Rodgers may not be targeting you, I sure am with your BITCHSLAP!!!

JORDAN REED

Jordan, you have the ability to be one of the best tight ends in the game, but more often than not you frustrate the hell out of your fantasy owners, and this season is no different. Once again you are dealing with the injury bug and missed Week 3. In your other three games you have been held under 50 yards and have not scored a touchdown. You may already be hobbled, so hopefully you don’t break after this BITCHSLAP!!!