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Friday, December 28, 2012

Who do you trust?

You know all those questions they ask you at the hospital before are discharged? The one that sticks most is "Do you have someone at home to help you?" I have always been able to answer with a resounding "Yes". I know I can count on my husband, parents, brother, and even my teen daughters now.

I have been thinking about what support means to me. To me it means having a person or people I know I can trust.

I can trust them not to drop me if I need help standing.
I can trust them not to drop me when I cry.
I can trust them to make me laugh when I need it most
I can trust them to give me honest feedback.
I can trust them to defend me when I can't defend myself
I can trust them to ask me how I'm feeling then make me answer honestly
I can trust them see me at my worst and still want to be in my life

Not everyone has passed my trust standards.
I think most people want the be there for a person in need, but just don't know how. So instead they distance themselves by telling themselves it's out of respect for my privacy. They don't want pry or "get all up in your business". Well, that's fine and all, but it's not like I give my medical history every time someone asks "How are you?"

Some people simply can't believe that I'm really "that sick". I guess because I can still walk most of the time and I like to run I'm not sick enough to warrant any of their time or compassion and they move on the the next "project" person.

When I stopped working and had to go on SSDI, I would get little comments, "must be nice", "wish I could just stay home", "wish I had that kind of time". I now answer with "yeah its been great to not be able to walk sometimes and be forced to stop working at job I love"

It hurts when these people are the ones I thought I could trust for support, especially when they turn out to be a family member, or people I have know my whole life.

To be honest I have pushed some people away. I wasn't always Ms. Sunny Side up, alot of times I was Ms. Black Coffee extra bitter please. Sometimes I didn't want to deal with someone else's problems when I had too many of my own.
And sometimes, man, this is going to hurt to admit, I was jealous of what I thought was their perfect lives.

Do you have support in your live? Do you have someone or someones you can trust? I hope so. This can be such a lonely journey.