Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Storms

There sure have been a lot of severe storms lately, especially tornadoes. I heard one news caster this morning give the high death statics for this year alone and it was in the thousands just for the U.S. I watched as one young couple were interviewed and relived their horrific tale of terror of holding onto to each other for dear life as their home and both vehicles were destroyed around them. Hearing their story really made me take personal stock in myself and my past actions as an alcoholic.
I am so very thankful to have a forgiving husband and family who stood by me until I could admit to myself that I had a problem and begin the steps of recovery. I laid awake in bed last night reliving the past few months when I would have been totally useless in the event of a major catastrophic occurrence. I could not have aided myself much less anyone else in a crisis!
My dad is in home hospice which means that his days are numbered according to a fleet of doctors who say there is no medical recovery for his condition. I think back on the days and nights when my dying father had to watch me stumble around this house while 'trying' to pretend to be a useful member of the household. Now that I'm sober, I can see the sadness and disappointment in my father's eyes in my mind and those memories help keep me rooted in my sobriety. I pray I never again have to see that look on his face because of me allowing alcohol to control my life!!
My understanding and loving husband has been my rock throughout this whole ordeal of my alcoholism. He had a lot riding on his shoulders having to be responsible for two handicapped in laws, a son, a full time job, pets, the finances, AND a drunk wife!! I have to painfully admit that if the shoe had been reversed, I don't believe I would have stayed the way he has! However, I am very blessed with a forgiving husband who offers 100% support toward my recovery.
Reading back over this post I realize that I seemed to have rambled away from the topic of storms, but actually I have delicately described the 'storms' that I have subjected my family to for months. I have to take responsibility for my own actions and attempt to make amends where possible. (That is a principal I am learning from attending and studying AA.) In doing so, I have to acknowledge that I have caused a tornado of emotions of hurt, anger, fear, frustration, confusion, and even hatred by allowing the disease of alcoholism to control me, my emotions, and especially my actions.
I know that attending AA meetings, reading all the books, changing my lifestyle, and making amends to family members WILL NOT stop the storms of life from occurring, but now when the winds start to blow, the air pressure changes, and the clouds appear, my family will not have to wonder IF I will be able to stand firm with them when the actual storm hits. They will KNOW that I will be there!