Notes from the Nosebleeds #113

We live in a complex world where truth and facts continuously hinder the prominence of real news. Various magazines, newspapers, and websites are always “checking their sources” to ensure what they report is true. Unfortunately, the professional wrestling media has its share of Debbie Downers trying to be responsible in their reporting as well. Luckily, many wrestling websites throw that out the window and blatantly make things up. But these sites look bad when responsible reporters refute those claims. Thankfully, there News from the Nosebleeds to completely ignore all truth and facts. What follows is the real news.

CM Punk To Leave WWE?

The wrestling world shook to the core this week when the media broke the story of CM Punk’s frustration with WWE, and his impending departure from the evil empire. Sources claim that Punk has grown unhappy with his current role in WWE as superstars younger, and greener than him, have received bigger pushes in recent months. WWE Insider, Bull Hitt, has been a longtime supporter of Punk, and understands his plight. “CM Punk is one of the greatest workers in the company,” says Hitt “so you can’t’ mistreat him by booking him in programs with the likes of Rey Mysterio, John Cena, and Randy Orton. This guy is a star and deserves to be in a more high-profile feud.” Hitt is not alone in his outrage. A program with John Cena, followed by a WrestleMania match with Randy Orton, is no way to book a star of Punk’s caliber. “Next thing you know, they’ll want to bring back Goldberg so Punk can beat him. When is the real competition for this guy coming?”

The recent brand move of Beth Phoenix may have been executed to appease Punk. “It’s a start,” continues Hitt “but not the fix.” So what is it about Beth Phoenix moving brands that would satisfy Punk? Are they dating? “That’s just a rumor.” says Hitt “The reason for the move is the calming presence of Beth. Punk feels safer with Beth around. She also makes a really good hot cocoa.”

Will WWE be able to retain the services of CM Punk? It would be best for business if they did, but to do so requires a stronger effort on the part of WWE.

The World Hates Melina…And With Good Reason!

With WrestleMania now in the review mirror, many are still up in arms over the way Trish Status was treated by John Morrison over the Mania weekend. Many speculate the childish behavior was because Morrison’s girlfriend, Melina, was not on the show. Since then, many reports have come out about past run-ins other Divas have had with Melina. Divas Correspondent, Tabitha Tully, was able to disclose some of the riffs. “The sheer lack of respect Melina has shown the WWE female roster has a deep history.” says Tully “It all started when she told Torrie Wilson she didn’t look as tan up close as she does on camera. You can imagine how that went over.” The insults didn’t stop there. “Melina once took a trip to Taco Bell with Michelle McCool. As Melina went to grab some sauce from the counter, McCool asked for some mild sauce. Melina had the nerve to bring back a pack of hot sauce instead!”

How Melina gets away with these disrespectful antics is beyond anyone backstage at WWE. Tully says that Melina has also upset a great deal of the male roster. “She had the nerve to tell Randy Orton that he looked good in black. What about blue? Does the man not pull off that color well enough for Queen Melina?”Many within the company expect Melina to be gone very soon. Management has had enough of her attitude.

The Truth About Desmond Wolfe

A recent blog by former TNA employee, Randy Ricci, claims that Desmond Wolfe has Hepatitis C. If true, this would be a devastating blow to any worker who has ever stepped foot in the ring with him. Wolfe looked ready to sign with WWE back in 2009, and then went with TNA after an undisclosed medical reason prevented him from ever debuting for McMahon Land. This could be that very reason…if it were true. Now that reliable sources have come forward, the wrestling world can now be told that Desmond Wolfe does not have hepatitis. He does, however, have other ailments. These ailments include:

Strep Throat Rug Burn Bird FluElephantiasis

None of these conditions should prevent Wolfe from returning to the ring. The real reason for his absence, sources say, has more to do with a sitcom spot Wofle hopes to land. As things stand right now, he is the at the head of the pack to take over the lead role on Two and a Half Men.

The Triumphant Return Of A Hero

Imagine you work at a company where you have just been promoted to prominent position. The employees admire you, and the CEO is proud of you. As you walk down the street with your long black coat, people wish they could be you. Now imagine you walk into a meeting on Monday morning where you are scheduled to give a presentation to your biggest client. Instead of walking in with a swagger and nailing it, you stumble into the conference room, maybe even need help to the podium, and then slur your words for ninety seconds. People begin to walk out and you throw a temper tantrum. As a result, your company loses its biggest client. What do you think would happen to you? One would think that you would not only be fired, but your career would be over. If you assumed that, you have assumed wrong.

Jeff Hardy publicly disgraced himself and his company at Victory Road by going out to the ring in a state people can only describe as “unable to perform.” As the man TNA had spent the last several months building their company around, it would be safe to say he blew it and ruined his career. Not the case!

Jeff Hardy fans are in for a treat. Jeff will not only return to TNA, he will be brought back as a baby face. Official TNA Connoisseur, Load O’Krapp, has great hopes for Hardy’s return. “It’s amazing what they have planned for the Jeff Hardy return.” claimed O’Krapp. “The story is that Bischoff and Hogan felt Hardy was too reckless as the focus of Immortal, so they put chemicals in his face pant supply that would soak into his skin and render him incoherent. That will explain the behavior and vindicate Hardy. Isn’t that amazing?”

The swerve seems very believable. It’s certainly not like Jeff Hardy has a documented history with substance abuse that would explain his actions at Victory Road. Even if some unfortunate event such as Victory Road occurred again, O’Krapp thinks TNA has it covered. “They can just say that Hogan and Bischoff got to him again. Maybe instead of face paint, they sneak something into his hair dye, or even those delicious Fruit Roll-Ups Jeff enjoys before every match. The best part is that the money is like an endless waterfall. Can you imagine the money TNA will make off this?”

O’Krapp’s optimism is just what the doctor ordered. There’s no telling how far TNA can take this. They have learned how to tap into the most fundamental money-maker: a man’s personal problems. For TNA, the sky is the limit.

Be lucky you were able to find out the whole story. You are all better people for finding out what is really going on. Some say the truth will set you free, but the truth only blinds you to absurdity.