It's not for the faint of heart.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear. No parole. No monitoring. Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together. I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside. I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it. I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that. I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep. I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center. The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack. I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago. I'm really afraid to, to be honest. I'm afraid to look at those photos. Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls. I'm not running away. I'm not hiding in my bed. But I feel anything but fearless these days.

6 comments:

Being brave doesn't mean never feeling afraid. Being brave means feeling the fear and still doing what you have to do....which is exactly what you're doing. I know that you'll do what you need to, in order to keep your family safe.

You aren't weak, you are human. Mommasunshine said it beautifully. I was hesitant to send them via email but knew you'd want to get them to the school and daycare right away. I hope you held his hand as you opened them. There is strength waiting for you....just reach out. Much love, Ethel

About Me

There are many words to describe me. Survivor, Mother, Daughter, Lover. I'm engaged to an amazing man and exploring this second chance at happiness. I have four kids, two dogs, and one restraining order on my psychotic ex-husband. This is my place to be honest with myself and work through my multitude of issues. Grab a cuppa' Joe and stay awhile. There's more to me than meets the eye.

Followers

Cast of Characters

You'll often hear me refer to the following people in my life:

BLT: The Fiance'- a guitar player, artist, and all around freaking hot as hell man in my life. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be honest. Good lord I hope he doesn't wise up and figure out he can do better!

Ethel: My best friend since childhood. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and we get into rediculous and crazy spots together. Her patience with me is legendary. She should be sainted.

Chef: My oldest child - and an amazing cook, a teenage Paula Dean! This one has goals for the future that include the Air Force and Medical School.

Lady Bug: My second child. Very sweet, but very dramatic and a bit flakey. A lover of music, glitter and small animals.

TNT: My loud, willfull, and emotional third child. A lot of bang in a tiny package. Broken bones aren't uncommon. There is just too much energy and not enough healthy fear in this one!

Monkey Pants: The baby of the family. We know we spoil her... none of us can help it. She counts on those big doe eyes to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes it even works!

Fraggle: BLT's toddler. We hope to all be a family soon when Fraggle comes to live with us. Crazy curls and and an absolute show off in a tutu make her one of a kind.

X: The ex husband who is the major headache in my life. Released from jail after only 19 months for trying to shoot me... he is now doing everything possible to cause me grief through the courts while just barely toeing the line and not violating my restraining order. My daily prayers that he be eatten by rabid animals have gone unanswered.