Thursday, January 3, 2013

Give me fever

So
there’s this fellow, Justin Bieber, and evidently photos of him are exceedingly
rare and highly prized, like those of Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster. Indeed,
such photos are so rare that a paparazzo in California recently died trying to
get one.

I didn't know Chris
Guerra, but I’m reasonably certain his death was counted a tragedy by many who did –
his family, his friends, his editor. Certainly I haven’t any reason to suppose
that the world wouldn't be a better, or at least a more-photographed place, with
Guerra still in it. But I didn't know Guerra and, in any rational society, his
death would have negligible impact on me.* And so it will. Unless, that is, this Bieber fellow
has his way.

In response to his pursuer’s death, Bieber did what many
Americans, most television pundits and all of our legislative overlords always do in response to events
as mundane as the invention of the Big Gulp and as tragic as a school shooting.
Bieber reflexively proposednew, sweeping, get-tough legislation:

Hopefully this tragedy will finally inspire meaningful
legislation and whatever other necessary steps to protect the lives and safety
of celebrities, police officers, innocent public bystanders, and the
photographers themselves.

The
mind reels at the possibilities. Perhaps, henceforth cameras will be sold with
a hard hat bearing a revolving amber caution light, which headgear will be
mandatory whenever the camera is in use. Perhaps motor vehicles will be
electro-mechanically limited to speeds below 15 miles per hour, ensuring that even
those laden with bulky camera gear have ample opportunity to leap – well,
stroll – to safety. Perhaps teen pop stars will be restricted to fenced
preserves in the desert southwest, where they can safely be observed from
blinds constructed to look like Starbucks kiosks. After all, if we can save just one Bieber. . .

But none of those laws could have kept Chris Guerra alive so
long as he considered a grainy photo of Bieber’s car – since Bieber wasn't actually in the vehicle – more than his life was worth. Sadly for Guerra and paparazzi
to come, even powerful pop stars and wanton statists cannot repeal or override the laws of nature, among which is Robert’s Rule that “The law is powerless before
the fact” and its corollary that “You cannot outlaw stupid.”**

I freely confess that my Bieber knowledge is scant.*** From the
available evidence I conclude that he is a twelve-year-old (possibly a boy) with
very large feet who is employed as an air traffic controller or a Time/Life
operator. (How else to explain the ubiquitous headset?) So maybe I’m wrong to assume
he is not a Constitutional scholar or a public policy expert. In fairness, he probably
knows as much about the serpentine interplay of the First Amendment and traffic
safety as Diane Feinstein and Chuck Schumer and Sheila Jackson Lee know about
firearms. And if the weight of Twitter followers is any measure – and believe me,
it is**** – I wouldn't be the least surprised if his call for “meaningful legislation”
and “necessary steps” finds some traction.*****

***** Too soon for an automotive pun? Maybe we need meaningful legislation and to take necessary steps to ensure smart-aleck bloggers are forced to observe a waiting period before making such tasteless remarks.