Comparison-to myself

Comparison-to myself

I think we all struggle with comparing ourselves to others. It’s natural, something in our DNA, to compete, probably a survival thing. But it sucks. It’s not fair, and it’s not productive outside a survival or competition (like for a sport or game show type thing) context. It saps our enjoyment of who we are and where we are, and who needs that?

I used to compare myself appearance-wise to my little sister. I won’t get into all the reasons that was dumb, but thankfully I’ve (mostly) slayed that dragon. I still compare myself to others and find myself wanting sometimes, but right now, the hurdle I’m finding in my way is comparing my current body to my own, at this point post Lexi, meaning when Lexi was 17, 18, 19, 20 months old. It’s just not fair, because obviously everything is different now than it was then.

-I had one child, not two, and she was the easiest baby ever. She slept till ten am regularly and if she did wake before I was ready for her, she played happily in her crib until I came. Declan hates being in his crib, and on average wakes at 7:30. This is a HUGE difference, because it means that now, if I want to get my workout done before the kids are up I’ll have to be up and moving by 545. I’m working toward that goal, but right now, instead of: get up at 5:45-eat/Jesus time-work out, my morning routine looks like: wake at 6:30, have Scott hold me till my anxiety lets me breathe or have calm rational thoughts (this varies, and some mornings isn’t an issue), coffee/eat/Jesus time, Declan is up, nurse him, give him breakfast, Lexi is up, wrangle her to the table, do school while she eats, convince them both to go upstairs and play, do my workout with one ear inclined to make sure everything is ok upstairs and probably a few trips upstairs to referee. By the time I’m done it’s somewhere around 11, and I’m physically and emotionally spent for the day already, because of the next HUGE difference between 19 month old Lexi’s mama and 4 year old Lexi and 19 month old Declan’s mama.

-I did not have PPDA when Lexi was 19 mos. I didn’t have it at all. I had a miscarriage on the day lexi was 18 mos old and it broke my heart, but I was in better mental health even after that than I am today. Even on good days (I think I’m on day 6 or 7 in a row now) I have to battle constantly to keep the triggers at arms length because I know I’m one thought away from paralyzing fear. My life is wonderful, I’m so happy with it, but I’m also always petrified of everything falling apart.

My fitness is, along with protecting sleep and eating nutritive foods, my medicine. I need it, and I really do want to be able to get up early enough to get my main workout done before the kids are up, so we can have more time to play and less awkward safety fears for me. I’m making progress, but man!

-I also finished weaning Lexi the day she turned 19 mos. Declan will be 20 mos in a week and is still nursing 3x a day. I’m fine with that, but I know it’s also a factor in my metabolism.

-another factor is that our bodies and metabolisms change. Mine has always been challenging, and now I’m three years older, I’ve got chemical stuff going on with the ppda, and PCOS. It’s not an excuse to give up or slack off, it’s a reason to fight. And that’s what I’m doing every single day. I’m fighting.

You know what else? I’m not actually that far off from where I was then, I’m just hard on myself. I’m just about one size behind where I was then. I got my size four Capri pants when lexi was 20 mos and one week old-5 weeks after she weaned. So, if I’m still nursing 3x a day, that could be the factor. Plus, like I said, life is just different.

I’ve gotta be ok with that. I’ve gotta hike this part of the mountain and conquer it. Just because I can’t get my size four skinny jeans over my hips today doesn’t mean in two months I won’t be able to button and zip them. I am mighty and an overcomer. And so are you.