Janet Carlyon, who is fighting pancreatic cancer, walks with her cows and donkey, "Foxy Lady," at her home near Pleasanton.

Janet Carlyon, who is fighting pancreatic cancer, walks with her cows and donkey, "Foxy Lady," at her home near Pleasanton.

Photo: Lisa Krantz, San Antonio Express-News

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True love in the face of illness

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If his wife is feeling up to it, Pat Carlyon will take her out to dinner tonight, to celebrate as she turns 65 on Valentine's Day. But Pat and his wife, Janet, may just cuddle on the couch at their ranch outside Pleasanton, which is just fine by him, as long as they're together.

Pat feels he waited his whole life to meet the perfect person — and then five years ago, he did. So when a tumor was discovered in Janet's pancreas a year and a half ago, and an estimate of one to five years to live was given, the Carlyons committed to making the most of their time left together.

“I think all the adversities we've been through have just made us stronger,” Janet says.

Valentine's Day is a time to profess love and, for some, a reminder of the power of love in the face of a terminal illness.

“Our fears are we won't have long enough together,” Janet says, her hand in her husband's as it is much of the time.

“I think just the word 'cancer' is frightening,” says Wilks. “It forces you to immediately think about your life expectancy and that you might not live as long as you thought you might.”

Wilks has some patients who are single parents of young children; others who have been abandoned by a spouse in the face of illness; and still others who must deal with challenges such as limited transportation, taking two or three buses to get to a treatment.

Having a partner who remains supportive despite physical changes and drastic life changes can make a big difference.

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The Carlyons, who were both real estate agents and both divorced when they met, feel united in their passion for the dream ranch they bought right after Janet's diagnosis.

When Janet feels depressed, she gets out and walks the land. “We enjoy watching the cows and just being together,” she says.

Other times, Pat treads deep into their 25 acres by himself: “I can go out there and scream, cry, chop trees down.”

For Donna and Herman Isaacs of San Antonio, dual diagnoses did nothing to interfere with their bond.

Nine years into their now 20-year relationship, Herman was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer that starts in the plasma cells in bone marrow. He went through radiation, chemotherapy, surgery and a bone-marrow transplant.

Two and a half years after his diagnosis, Donna was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Then Herman was found to have prostate cancer.

“We just helped each other out,” says Donna, a 48-year-old former nurse. “When he was down, God gave me the strength, and when I was down, vice-versa.”

Through it all, Donna still calls him “my sugar, my honey.” “He's still playful and smiling, even though sometimes he's in a lot of pain,” she says. “He's my best friend in the whole wide world.”

They give each other courage, she says.

“We find our strength by loving each other and taking it one day at a time,” she says.

Karnad, a hematologist-oncologist at the Cancer Therapy & Research Center, says while a new diagnosis heaves much stress onto a couple, they often develop a helpful give-and-take: “The patient sometimes being strong for their spouse, and the partner giving right back, being strong for them.”

A partner can serve as far more than cheerleader; a partner also can keep track of medical records and make appointments.

Caregivers do face the threat of burnout.

“Especially in terminal stages of cancer, it's very hard to see loved ones suffer, and it's hard to take continuous suffering,” Karnad says. “But even there, I've seen peace and acceptance and sharing of stories.”

And in the case of some divorced patients, Karnad has witnessed a transcendent peace and love, with ex-spouses stepping up to offer rides or company during treatment.

Some married couples, meanwhile, come to view their life together as even more precious.

Karnad recently took care of a young man with cancer of the tongue. Early on, it was obvious the couple had had some friction previously.

As treatment continued, the young man became choked up, in front of his wife, talking about how grateful he was for her support.