EUGENE, OR—Explaining that the alerts induce an unparalleled sense of euphoric bliss, a new study conducted by the University of Oregon Department of Psychology found that Onion Social notifications are 300 times more satisfying to receive than notifications from Facebook. “Using sophisticated neuroimaging techniques, we were able to discern that receiving a notification on the Onion Social platform elicits a pleasure response hundreds of times more powerful and enduring than receiving one from Facebook,” said head researcher Claire Yang, adding that the amount of dopamine and endorphins released by test subjects’ brains upon receiving a comment or like from a friend on Onion Social was similar to the amount they see released from people using 95 percent pure heroin or holding their newborn child for the first time. “The instant our study participants saw that green notification pop up, their brains experienced a phenomenon neurologists refer to as ‘a tidal wave of transcendent quasi-religious happiness.’ Many of the people in the lab broke down weeping with joy on the spot and expressed little to no desire to ever return to Facebook following their transportive and epiphanic experience with the revolutionary Onion Social platform.” Researchers also proved conclusively that Onion Social was a completely non-addictive experience that, in fact, reinforces users’ well-being with each log-in.

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