The 2013 Political Animal Awards

Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it's imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you'd be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it's awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion. We've made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship: the 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards.

The "You Can Keep a Good Man Down" Award: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown.

The "Taking Sibling Rivalry to a Brand New Level" Award: The Harbaugh boys.

The H.G. Wells Dating Service Award: Manti Te'o.

The "Head in the Sand" Lifetime Achievement Award: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.

The "Beat A Dead Horse Until We're All Covered in a Fine Red Mist" Award: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel's role in Benghazi.

The George Hamilton Tanning Award: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.

"Pop Goes the Weasel" Award: Lance Armstrong.

The Sisyphus Award: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.

The "Out of the Mouths of Babes" Award: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP "stop being the stupid party."

The Rip Van Winkle Award: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she's about to take.

And finally, the "Continent of Atlantis" Award: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.

Community calendar

Email announcements to news@cortezjournal.com and include “Community Calendar” in the subject field. Items submitted less than two weeks in advance will be less likely to be published. Entries and the calendar may be edited for length and content.

Monday, March 30

SouthWest Colorado Concerts presents Quartetto Gelato at M-CHS at 7 p.m. This Canadian quartet is known for clever programming and humor and...