Thursday, August 10, 2017

Saber, meet Rattler-in-Chief

Don't worry folks! There are multiple ways we scientists from the future can fix things if they get really horrible. I'm going to tell about the 5 Lines of Defense Against Global Trump Disaster (GTDs)

1) The Trump Babysitting Team(TBT)

Ivanka Trump is our first line of defense.

She will pull him back from the brink of war. It's her job. When Trump was elected the DoD hired her for her "Daddy Whispering" skills. Why do you think she's around Daddy all the time? To talk fashion? She's part of the TBT along with McMaster, Kelly and two undisclosed women who might be in the same room with him in the wee hours.

2) New Star Wars Defense System (GMD) If North Korea launches its nuke it will be shot down lickity split by the revamped Star Wars Missile Shield, called the Ground-based Mid-course Defense System or GMD for short. This Warthog Defense video explains how it works.

It was a boondoggle program for decades, but it appears to work great now. My friend Guy sued first SDI makers and found out that those people were some of the biggest liars and cheats he ever met, but they are totally telling the truth about their programs now. They're our second line of defense.

3) Disaster Fixing Machine (DFM) If Ivanka fails and the GMD doesn't work, we have a third line of defense. I'm telling you this on deep background, off the record, no backsies. no leaksies! The US has a machine that lets us go back in time 4 and 1/2 days (specifically 4 days, 6 hours, 3 minutes, 45 seconds, 14.5 nanoseconds.) George W. Bush used it first in 2002 to stop the nuke that went off in Baltimore (as depicted in the movie The Sum of all Fears, starring Ben Affleck.)

Bush also used it to stop the ferry bombing in New Orleans after Katrina (as depicted in the movie Deja Vu, starring Denzel Washington.) Thank science we had it! How many times did Bush use it during his reign? It's still classified, but let's just say it rhymes with bleven.

4) Someone Up There Will Save Us (SUTWSU)

As some of you know, I am an alien. As in, not of this earth. I'm not the only one. Luckily, another alien is in a position to help. He's a strange visitor from another country. He's not as tall as you would think, but he stands for Truth, Justice and the North American Way. And he has super powers. Yes, I'm talking about Justin Trudeau.He's our fourth line of defense.

Below is a clip of what he did when Trump launched a preemptive strike at North Korea from his undisclosed location at a New Jersey golf club three days from now---before we used the DFM to fix the timeline.

These timelines are leaked to science fiction and military fiction writers by DFM insiders so they will create books and movies showing those horrific realities. (Where do you think that hack Tom Clancy got his ideas from, Schenectady?)

These serve as a warning for what will happen if, for example, we allow someone with no impulse control to control our WMDs. These lines of defense usually work. They should, they cost enough. It's necessary now because Americans are further away from the realities of war than ever before. Why do you think Hollywood keeps churning out post-apocalyptic disasters? For the money? No. It's to stick the image of the tragedy of war into the American public consciousness.

But here's the problem, our machines don't always work as advertised to the Pentagon. We can't always shoot down the missiles and we can't go back in time. Some aliens' only superpower is hunkiness (which is a totally valid power by the way. )

5) Our Final Line of Defense: Humans

Regular old humans need to prevent Global Trump Disasters before they happen.

It's hard to get human American's to visualize the worse that could happen and act to prevent it.

I saw this with the Y2K problem. Some people with low-brain power thought that because nothing happened it wasn't a big deal. It WAS a big deal, but we organized, acted and fixed the problem.

Some people have disaster fatigue from listening to the wrong people, the old "Fox that cried wolf" story. Others need to experience the tragedy in order to believe it. These people are tiresome, self-centered and Conservatives.

After the world crashes and burns they might say, "Well I guess you were right after all." Which is great, but it's too late and unless I can take them back in time do the right thing, it's a Phyric victory.

Consider yourself lucky you can watch movies about what might happen so you don't have to experience the actual tragic timelines. Believe me, it sucks having multiple horrific timelines crowding up your brain. If I wasn't a Vulcan, with strong mental discipline, they would make my nose bleed green.

You've seen this movie before. The narrative doesn't change because the characters don't change. They do the same things unless you get up off the couch and do something. Maybe you eject the tape or unplug the isoliner chip, USB stick, but you need to do something to stop the movie.

Who knows, maybe you are the snowflake that will start the avalanche.

BTW, in case you are wondering, Obama never used the DFM, although I wouldn't be breaking the temporal prime directive to tell you the one time he was tempted. No details but it rhymes with "Blut Blur Blemails!"