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My everything

I really have no idea where to post this, as I'm paranoid that he has some sort of presence on every gay/bisexual related site/forum/thread on the internet and if the infinitesimally small chance of him reading this comes to pass, I'll probably die emotionally from shame and embarrassment. I have so much bottled up inside, things I want to say to him but I don't want to compromise our future and/or the possibility of meeting him in person.

I met a man months ago that I've now identified as my soul mate; the catch being that we've never actually met in person. I felt no connection to him at first, as we were introduced by a mutual friend (again, this has all been online, kind of sad I know but I've never felt this way about anyone else before and I'll get to that soon) but as we got to know each other, we realized how similar we are in so many ways and then I found out he's bisexual. That detail never mattered to me until recently, which is where my problems arise. Eventually he told me he Loved me and that he thinks of us as being soul mates. He said that he didn't feel this way romantically, per se, but that we're essentially the same person. I cried and revealed I felt the same and since then, we've spoken to each other by any means necessary everyday for nearly six months, although I'm still way too shy to speak to him by phone. Otherwise, we use Skype and he calls me on there and we have a one sided conversation which I've been feeling guilty about although this isn't done on purpose as I don't own a mic and the one integrated onto my laptop is a piece of shit. He even.. calls with his webcam and I get to see him smile and he just makes me feel happier than I've ever been, even with a developing anxiety (due to IRL problems).

Before I wildly derail this into a long, boring wall of text, I need to get back on subject. I Love him with all of my heart, he's part of me now and I know that if I ever lose him, I don't think my Life will be put back on track for quite some time, especially if we don't get to meet each other. I realize that we only know of each other as an online presence, but there are times where I become confused and feel that it's entirely possible that I'm IN Love with him. All of my dreams are about my Life revolving around him in a completely non-sexual way, at first. My fantasy is that we can Love each other romantically, and if that doesn't happen, or work out, he'll still be the center of my Life regardless. The problem I'm having is... is it right to think this way?

As I mentioned, I've been falling into some anxiety lately and it's been making me emotional and I cry way more often than I ever have before. When I get overwhelmingly negative thoughts, I have to stop myself from bawling to avoid my family, whose house I still live in, from hearing. No matter how I'm feeling though, if I ever read, see, or hear this man speak to me to comfort, he makes me smile or laugh and I can't control it. I can be crying my eyes out in pure sorrow and this man will bring a smile to my face. He doesn't know this though, I never tell him when I'm feeling sad or if I'm crying, it just happens. I guess I'm just adding this part in to reconfirm to myself that I Love him pure and simple. He's my everything.

I don't want to compromise what we have by telling him that I want to give myself to him in every way possible and that I can't imagine Loving anyone else the way I do him. I'm not under the impression he feels this way about me romantically and he brought this fact up once specifically which is why I feel so bad about feeling this way about him. It makes me start to choke up to think that I've so foolishly fallen for him past that mental platonic point. I Love him so much that it seems to bleed through boundaries that are, or at least should be, set.

There are just too many variables not in my favor for this to become possible, and while I'm okey with that... I wish we could be so much more. It's very contradicting with my ideals and beliefs. He makes me so confused yet so happy that I Hope this is just a phase I grow out of. Not Loving him, of course, that's not possible, but I mean my interest in him.

As soon as I typed that, he actually calls me on my phone and I stammer like an idiot... I nearly started crying.

Anyway, I've been through almost all scenarios in my head about a real relationship with him that I even prevent myself from enjoying such a 'fantasy'. I think, "well he probably wouldn't Love me in that way for long because he's bisexual... perhaps there'd be a woman in his Life he'd be interested in." I don't know... I hardly even want to continue typing this stuff because it makes it seem like I'm obsessed with him in this way when I'm really not... it's just a much preferred road that our friendship could possibly take that I'd have no problem with... lol.

I just don't want to sound selfish and crazy because it's not THAT bad. When I hear about him flirting with other guys and when the notion comes up that he would definitely mess around with a man given the chance, it makes me smile excessively and it even makes me happy and laugh. My mind is so twisted onto itself about him that I HOPE he finds someone that can make him as happy as he makes me. I don't spend my nights and days thinking about US being a couple, I spend them thinking about just being near him and being with him in whatever role he wants or needs me to fill... 'brother', best friend, confidant, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on....

In the end, when I say he's my everything, I mean it with all of my being; I just want to know if it's wrong to think we can be more, because I don't want to keep feeling that way about him specifically. I guess it's just a cluster due to the fact that he happens to be my 'soul mate' and my first Love.

Re: My everything

Be careful so a fantasy virtual relationship stops you from pursuing an actual one, either with him or someone else. While there are song lyrics and romantic notions of someone being someone else's "everything," in reality there needs to be physical substance, and two party contributions to have a working partnership. Don't lose yourself in the process of falling for someone.

You are your everything. Anything good added to that is good and can be wonderful but it can't take the place of something you perceive as lacking in yourself.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: My everything

from what I can tell, this is your first time being in love and I totally understand it driving you crazy. Just make sure to not use or think such big phrases like "he's your everything". I can tell that you also think he's "perfect". That's a form of catastrophic-thinking imo. Thinking such grand thoughts is unhealthy and is a very distorted way of viewing things, even if you've been in a relationship for decades. You are your own person and don't ever forget who you are. Also nobody is perfect, and no relationships are perfect.

it sounds like you've jumped ahead of yourself. I know it's tough, but jsut take it slow. Take it day by day, step by step.

Re: My everything

I don't really see how someone can fall in love with someone without actually interacting with them in person, Flirting and everything online is fun and all but, in the end all you are looking at is a computer screen.

Skyping with someone doesn't have the same effect as talking to them IRL. You can't judge their body language and it is easier for them to put up an act if they don't have to look someone in the eye.

You need to meet this guy in real life. I don't know if this is actually love or if it is just a small obsession. You need to be careful there are a lot of weirdo's out there.

Even in real life someone shouldn't be your everything, you need to be an individual first and a partner/boyfriend/lover/fuckbuddy second. Watch the Show Catfish on MTV if you can you can see what I'm talking about. Plus how can you be so in love with someone without even having their feelings reciporacated. You don't even know if this guy likes you and yet you call him your everything and your soulmate. Soulmates are two people who love each other unconditionally. No coin has one side.

Re: My everything

I would say your expectations are far too high and you are just bound for disappointment.

Hell, my ex of 3 years was fine until we moved in together and then things fell apart VERY quickly and we were done in about a month. We were fine just meeting up once a week or so for drinks and fun but when we had to cohabit and see each other everyday, all those little quirks and peeves get brought to the surface and it becomes a much different situation.

Mind you this is from physically dating and not some online thing. As an MMO gamer, I have built some nice friendships online without ever having met them IRL but never crazy emotions like that. It seems far more juvenile and I would not be shocked to realize that TC is also a virgin.

Re: My everything

I'll go with what Seasoned said. Nobody can or SHOULD be your "everything". You have to be self-sufficient at all times, and that's also a prerequisite for anyone to want to be with you. Nobody likes a clinger.

I would say, take a deep breath, calm down and employ some cold surgical analysis to your situation. You will realize this is not entirely healthy and while you could still make things happen with this guy, it can't last in a fantasy form. You need to meet him, and not expecting your "everything" but just a guy who might or might not be something you can work with.

That we are capable only of being what we are, remains our unforgivable sin.
- Gene Wolfe

Re: My everything

life isnt a fairy tale. loosing your mind completely over a guy is not romantic, its stupid, and it will certainly end badly. putting yourself in situation that make you cry is not romantic, its self-destructive, and unhealthy.

my guess is that youre very young and/or inexperienced. your first attempts at romance will be messy, awkward, and turbulent, like everybody else's first attempts, i guess there is no avoiding that.

but i would stop casting yourself as the protagonist of some shakespearean drama, throwing around ideas like "soul mates", "my everything", "sorrow", and such. come back down to earth, and work on something solid, whatever that might be.

"i dont have a webcam" may have been a valid thing to say a decade ago, but in 2013, its the ultimate bullshit excuse. amazon is selling one for 4 dollars, so come the fuck on. but the webcam isnt really the problem here, is it?

so stop the drama, stop the bullshit. be good to yourself. making yourself cry all the time is not being good to yourself.

also, just as an aside, i dont trust that guy. i dont know what his angle is, but a healthy person will not spend six months (!) video-phoning with somebody who only ever texts back. i dont know what the fuck is going on here on his side, but it doesnt smell right.

Re: My everything

Hit the wrong damn thing and lost my response. Anyway, I want to thank all of you for opening my eyes and bringing me back to Earth. I now understand that nothing could ever come of our communicating with each other except a continuous, strictly online acquaintance that could only possibly lead to a meeting in person, but not of romantic pursuit. When I think about meeting him, it's not explicitly for the idea that perhaps we could be together, it's just to fulfill my odd goal of meeting such a mutually similar person. I guess I can admit to myself now that I Love him as a notion, and that doesn't equate to being IN Love with him and I shouldn't try to fool myself into thinking of it as such.

I just want to clarify that my... declining happiness that leads to crying started quite some time before I started talking to him. Then when I did start, we didn't know of each other's sexuality nor did we actually have a conversation with each other. About two months ago, my anxiety began to nose dive and when I think about the situation I've put myself in with thinking of him so... excessively, is most likely due to my clinging to whoever I thought Loved me without such an obligation (such as family and close, long time friends) and make myself think we could have a relationship. I guess Desperation can summarize how I've dug myself into this delirious hole. Just thinking about having posted this makes me cringe and I feel very foolish. I don't even want to reread what I've said in the original post. And for the record, what I wanted to clarify but naturally went off course from is that he hasn't ever made me cry with anything but joy and it was only twice. I just meant that whenever I got really, really down due to circumstances involving my real Life, he makes it better in some way and reminds me that I shouldn't let these 'circumstances' get me down and so on. Sappy shit, I know, but I've been an asshole to the people that matter for so long and pushing them away that having this stranger I talk to on the internet tell me that I'm not as useless as I perceive myself to be had just been so striking to me that I suppose I clung to him like my Life depended on it and fooled myself into thinking it did.

I still care about him but you lot have taught me that I shouldn't think of him as much as I have been... I mean, he's both a psychological remedy for my mental health and a poison for it at the same time. He's helped me find my motivation to start opening up and talking to (real physical) people and etc., so I'll stop thinking about him romantically, but I still need him as a presence in my Life... just someone who cares to talk to. I can be open with him with no topic held back and that's really what I feel like I need right now. I know I shouldn't do/say/think that but where I'm at in Life right now, I have no one except my family and they won't listen to me and they won't let me talk to a professional, so this man is the only thing keeping me generally sane and emotionally level. Thanks to him, for the past eight days I've been able to say that I'm actually happy. Not because of him but just taking small steps towards things normal people do and hanging out with friends.

I know that last paragraph is still a shred of clinging crazy, and I'm alright with that. We're each other's [anonymous] outlets. I just Hope you'll forgive me.