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June 01, 2009

Go to hell, Gloves.

As many of you know, today, June 1st is INTERNATIONAL I HATE GLOVES DAY. I have remained largely silent this year about the plague that is gloves. Mostly because I've been too busy doing my LIVE show and maintaining my new podcast THE CHRIS LEAVINS STORY HOUR. So many of you have written to beg for my help in fighting the scourge that is hand-coverings. I'm traveling back to LA today, so I don't have time to make a new video, but perhaps I can use my far-reaching fame and power to combat this evil once I have returned home. In the mean time, please stop your angry emails, like this one from Mark in AMERICA. He writes: "...Dear Chris, Here we are again, just a few days before the big Go-To-Hell-Gloves-Fiesta-2009!, and we haven't heard a peep about your plans. You have a responsibility to your viewers to take a stand against gloves. They demoralize and threaten the very fabric of society, especially when that fabric is wool or latex. So please, Chris. Please speak out against gloves."

Fucking gloves stole the "Who's Cuter" title from my dog Oakly back in '08. While I must say, Brad Pitt really did make rubber gloves famous and slightly alluring in Fight Club, I still fucking hate them!!

i'm standing up for gloves too! 5 years ago today, i had some major lung surgery. i sure an glad the medical staff was wearing gloves, or i wouldn't be here now.
thanks gloves, you saved my life! i love you!

This is the ivy who, together with Jeanine had a party for, "International Feel Sorry for Yourself Day." (Which ended up as International Feel Sorry for Ivy MONTH.)
Should we be planning a party for tonight? Jeanine is an EMT AND HATES GLOVES. They are all over the apartment and used for cleaning, etc. Hey, at least they're free!

no, i love gloves they protect me from infectious disease on the job. yucky body fluids! sorry folks hurrah for PPE! (ummm, personal protective equipment?? that doesn't include condoms--fortunately i've never had to use those ON THE JOB. ugh!)

Gloves are just elastic jackasses. I had a really, really distant friend that went into surgery for something and left with pain. It turned out that one of the idiots at the hospital left his glove in him. Well I'm throwing down the gauntlet at gloves. You’re a bitch gloves, go to hell. Suck it gloves.

I had to wear a glove on my right hand last week because I had developed digmata (a big blister in the center of my palm while doing archaeological excavations). I am ashamed that for a couple of days I was the Michael Jackson of archaeologists.

-Headlines-
All the News for all that's Cute
Breaking News
CWC NEWS UPDATE

Toronto, CANADA - Many, many people were delighted this weekend in the small, northerly hovel known to most as Toronto, as fans of cult God, rock star, tough guy and shunner of cuteness Chris Leavins, unleashed The Story Hour, part II or III ?!
However, there is strong evidence that the show may have to be cancelled for EVER, after it came to the attention of Toronto Authorities’ that Mr. Leavins might have been arrested in Tennessee for crimes against decency. Deputies in Tennessee said that the man caught burglarizing a home wearing only a woman’s thong may indeed have been Mr. Leavins.
This news has sent ripples *…of lust…* through the Culty internet community and a possible uprising from fans at the Metro Studio in Toronto if the show is cancelled.
For three days now, barely breaking to eat, sleep and relieve herself, Super Nova had this to say about the rumors “I feel very strongly about this, wait I think I see the image of Jesus in this here cupboard…”
As you can see the stress from the possible charges against CWC Culty GOD is more than/then this follower can handle.
The Toronto News Sentinel reported the man reportedly being Chris Leavins was released from a Tennessee jail on May 21 after being arrested with another Cult Icon, Chuck Norris, for indecent property crimes.
Chuck Norris had this to say, *…right before he roundhouse kicked me in the head…ouch Chuck…that really hurt…* “I don’t break the law…I am the LAW! And The Chris Leavins Story Hour will never be cancelled while I am ALIVE!”
Well there you have it folks, we will be bringing you updates on this breaking news story.
Lor Blitzer Signing Off

Um... Gloves keep my hands warm and keep them from being chapped in the wintertime. Also, I use them to protect my hands from the grossness when I clean my toilet. So in their honor, I must defend you gloves.

A Beacon To LOR BLITZER...NEWS WOMAN EXTRODNAR!!! Email ME!!
debbie.culbertson@yahoo.com
We thought your ship had been lost at sea!!! Come back to us!!! WE NEED YOU!!
Click my name for the link!
FIND US!!!!!!

This morning it was so cold out that I briefly considered wearing gloves. (Yes, even in Canada we expect vaguely summer-like weather on June 1.) Then I realized that the weather was just a horrid example of gloves' all-pervasive influence, trying to get me to shake a (gloved) fist at IIHGD. They can even change the weather! Don't take it sitting down! Shirk your gloves today!