Thursday, 21 April 2011

As I sit here for another fun-filled night of disinfecting computers in our London branches I find myself wondering about the thought process behind computer viruses.

I'm sure at one point they may have been nothing more than practical jokes or

geeks who had watched WarGames too many times and figured if Matthew Broderick could start a nuclear war on a 1200 baud modem they could rule the world with their 56K. Some may have been written by sociopaths just wanting to stir up trouble or maybe some were from hackers testing themselves, as if the ability to erase your neighbors vacation pictures is a survival skill. Whatever the beginnings, I believe they have been co-opted, like most things eventually are, as another tool of advertising.

Think about it. What did the last virus you had on your computer actually do? Mine locked down my system so that the only thing I could run was my Internet browser and then it hijacked it so that every page eventually lead me to a website where I could buy antivirus software. As if! Isn't that like attacking somebody with a butcher knife and then selling them an adhesive bandage? And if you agree with that analogy, it's not that big a leap in logic to think that the computer equivalents of Johnson & Johnson may be buying stock in Ginsu.

Unfortunately, for the service industry, I'm not the only person that has reached this or a similar conclusion. During the debut of the MSblast worm I was working at a local computer store where customer after customer were bringing their computers to be diagnosed for $70 and disinfected for another $70. More than one person accused us of releasing the virus ourselves. Rather a narrow view of the issue, I thought.

Speaking for myself: I do not write viruses, nor do I kick back any of my salary to those that do. I find viruses to be just as annoying as you do. No. Probably even more so because I get to watch the same semi-computer-literate people reinfect their computers time and again and then blame me for it. And for that little bit of frustration I will cash in the overtime, thank you very much.

In the end I have learned two things that go a long way to preventing your computer from being infected:

1) Don't click on anything in a pop-up window. Just click the X to close it.

2) Buy a Mac. There has been one major virus that attacked the MacOS in the last 5 years.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

For the last few years I have acted as an alternative recycling depot for old and/or defective computer equipment. Even the oldest machines have some parts that can be re-used somehow, even if it is just the coin-cell battery. As I collect these bits and pieces my office has started to look as though a computer exploded and left shrapnel all over the place. At last count I had 7 computer towers in various states and enough parts to set up the majority of them as complete workstations. The weird thing is, I don't know why I do it. A computer for me and another for the kids would probably be enough with my wife having her own laptop, yet I keep collecting parts.

To make matters worse, I've recently expanded my horizons to include iPhone and Blackberry. It started innocently enough, we started geocaching and since most smartphones have some sort of GPS device in them I picked up an old Blackberry to use. At the same time I had been watching for someone getting rid of an old iPhone which I could use as an iPod Touch. A friend recently upgraded to the iPhone 4 and offered me his old first generation since it would otherwise sit in a drawer gathering dust. I have spent the last week playing with jailbreaking the phone so I can use it as a Touch, changing boot logos and experimenting with free apps. I even found a free VoIP softphone that allows me to use it as the phone that it is.

Unfortunately, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and now my son is very excited to get an iPhone. He's only 7 years old! I've bought myself some time by making him one out of cardboard, but who knows how long that is going to last? In the meantime I am keeping my eyes open for another person that may have recently upgraded their iPhone and are looking to dispose of their old one. So far I have only been able to find people that are asking ridiculous amounts of money for used devices running technology 3 years old.

If anyone knows of an iPhone that is being replaced or is otherwise headed for the dump, let me know. Drop me an email at reboot@telus.net.

Friday, 1 April 2011

Today you will be bombarded by April Fools pranks from every quarter. Your local newspaper, TV or radio station will run a bogus headline, your favorite website will post something bizarre of some sort (check out Think Geek for their annual too-good-to-be-true April Fools product), your coworkers and/or family will drive you mad with pranks. So, why not fight fire with fire?

A computer is a wonderful canvas to practice retaliatory or even preemptive pranking. Here's a few relatively safe pranks for Windows (sorry Mac users I dropped out after OS9.1):

Dude, where's my icons?

Difficulty: Easy

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: None

Risk: Low

Built into Windows is the ability to hide all the icons on the desktop, leaving a nice clean unobstructed view of your desktop wallpaper.

Instructions:

XP:

Vista, Win7:

Right-click the desktop and go to Arrange Icons By.

Click on Show Desktop Icons to remove the checkmark next to it.

Right-click the desktop and go to View.

Click on Show Desktop Icons to remove the checkmark next to it.

Dude, where's my taskbar?

Difficulty: Easy

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: None

Risk: Low

This prank has two stages:

Moving the taskbar to a different edge of the screen and ...

Hiding it from view.

Instructions:

XP:

Vista, Win7:

Right-click the taskbar and make sure Lock the Taskbar is not checked.

Now left-click an empty area of the taskbar and drag it to the left, right or top edge of the screen and release.

Move the cursor to the top edge of the taskbar until the double-ended arrow appears. Left-click and drag downward to reduce the taskbar tonothing.

Alternatively, or in addition, you could

Right-click the taskbar and choose properties.

Click the checkbox next to Auto-hide the taskbar and click OK to exit

Vista and Windows 7 will not allow you to minimize the taskbar, you can only move it and auto-hide it.

Right-click the taskbar and make sure Lock the Taskbar is not checked.

Now left-click an empty area of the taskbar and drag it to the left, right or top edge of the screen and release.

Right-click the taskbar and choose properties.

Click the checkbox next to Auto-hide the taskbar.

A picture's worth a good laugh

Difficulty: Moderate

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: MSPaint or similar

Risk: Low-medium

A blank desktop is so boring, why not give your victim something to look at...and click on...repeatedly...with no response from their computer. The risk here is that they will assume their computer is frozen and reboot, potentially losing unsaved work.

Instructions:

XP, Vista, Win7:

Press the Print Screen key in the top right area of the keyboard.

Open MSPaint or other similar program.

Paste the screen shot into the program and save as a BMP or JPG file.

Set the image you just made as the desktop wallpaper (there are several ways of doing this, pick your favorite).

Follow the steps above to hide the desktop icons and taskbar.

Slow and steady

Difficulty: Easy

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: MSPaint or similar

Risk: Low-medium

I discovered this one while helping a high school computer instructor troubleshoot a computer that would allow him to type his login, but then the keyboard appeared to stop working. Three known-good keyboards and 20 minutes later...

Instructions:

XP:

Vista, Win7:

Open the Accessibility Options control panel.

On the Keyboard tab, click the Settings button under the FilterKeys section.

Make sure the Ignore quick keystrokes... radio button is enabled and click the Settings button next to it.

Use the drop-down under SlowKeys to set how long a key must be held down before the computer will register it. The time ranges from 0 to 20 seconds.

Click OK to save your changes.

Open the Ease of Access Center and click on Make the keyboard easier to use.

Click on Set up Filter Keys

Click the check box to Turn on Filter Keys

Click on Set up Repeat Keys and Slow Keys.

Use the drop-down under Avoid accidental keystrokes to set how long a key must be held down to register. The time ranges from 0 to 20 seconds.

Click OK to save your changes.

I know something you do not...

Difficulty: Easy

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: None

Risk: Low

...I am not left handed. Even not many southpaws know about this setting, so it is perfect for pranking. A simple checkbox will trade the left and right-click buttons of any mouse.

Note: Some mice will have programmable buttons or other options which provide other opportunities for mischief.

Instructions:

XP, Vista, Win7:

Open the Mouse control panel

Click the checkbox to Switch primary and secondary buttons.

Click OK to save your changes.

Like a record, baby

Difficulty: Moderate

Works On: Depends on graphics card

Tools Needed: None

Risk: Low

There are monitors that can be rotated 90-degrees into 'portrait' mode, perfect for reading documents a page at a time or for playing Pac-Man the way it was meant to be played. Because they exist, graphics card manufacturers include a 'rotate' function in their settings usually with the ability to add a hot-key combination. Only Intel enables these hot-keys by default. Which brings us to the...

Instructions:

Intel on-board graphics:

Others:

For a while Dell was exclusively using Intel motherboards with on-board Intel graphics. HP has also used Intel at various points.

Note: The computer has to be unlocked with a user logged in.

Hold down the Ctrl and Alt keys at the same time and press one of the arrow keys. The arrow points to the side of the monitor you want to be the new top.

Ctrl+Alt+Up arrow returns to 0-degree rotation.

You will need to explore the options of the graphics card to see if rotation is possible, assign hot-keys, etc. Look for ATI's CATALYST Control Center, NVIDIA Settings application or...

Right-click a blank area of the desktop and choose Properties.

Click on the Settings tab.

Click the Advanced button and explore.

¡Uno momento! ¡Yo hablo Español!

Difficulty: Easy-Moderate

Works On: XP, Vista, Win7

Tools Needed: None

Risk: Low-moderate

There is a vast range of languages to choose from for this prank. For a subtle change try using a French Canadian keyboard layout to change a few keys. If, however, you belong to the 'Go big or go home' school of thought, change the input language to Russian.

Instructions:

XP:

Vista, Win7:

Open the Regional and Language Options control panel.

Click the Language tab and then the Details button.

Click the Add button to begin.

Use the Input language drop-down to select a different language. Some input languages will have a name in parentheses, these languages usually have special characters which will be used when typing (eg. the backwards letters of Cyrillic languages).

Use the Keyboard Layout drop-down to changes where certain keys are located.

Click OK to add your selection to the list.

Use the drop-down under Default Input Language to select your prank. This will ensure that the next time they open a program it will change to the new default.

Having multiple languages installed will enable the Language Bar which docks on the taskbar down by the clock by default. You can...

Right-click on it and choose Settings to go in and disable it or just hide the taskbar as above.

Open the Regional and Language control panel.

Click on the Keyboard and Languages tab and then the Change Keyboards... button

Click Add to begin.

Expand a Language, then the Keyboard listing and click the checkbox next to your chosen input language.

Click OK.

Use the drop-down under Default Input Language to select your prank. This will ensure that the next time they open a program it will change to the new default.

Having multiple languages installed will enable the Language Bar which docks on the taskbar down by the clock by default. You can...

Right-click on it and choose Settings to go in and hide it or just hide the taskbar as above.

Additional ideas:

Put a piece of Scotch tape over the optics of an optical mouse.
Physically swap keys on the keyboard. Be warned, some keyboard keys will not come off easily.

Download Intellimouse and use it to calibrate the mouse incorrectly. The program tells you to move the mouse up, but who does it think it is! Move the mouse in any direction you want.

Download the Sysinternals BSOD screensaver by Mark Russinovich. Unfortunately this has not been updated with Windows 7 load screens.
Use remote access tools to create a ghost in the machine by moving the victims mouse or typing when they type. Takes a fair amount of pre-planning.

DISCLAIMER: Computers are ultimately fickle devices which may or may not take kindly to being the instrument of your amusement. Keep this in mind and choose your victims wisely and with a thought to the consequences of a disaster. Practice responsible pranking and if you do try any of the tricks listed above and they get you in trouble, don't mention my name.