A Little Bit Bad. Comedy Writer Alex Kaseberg

Here we use only sustainable, organic and gluten-free seasonal jokes. Comedy, satire, sports, editor and occasional cooking tips writer, Alex Kaseberg. E-mail to - or if you need to hire a comedy writer - alex.kaseberg@gmail.com
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Friday, February 10, 2006

Its time to lay down

Oh yes, step on the throw-down train wit’ yo’ good foot ‘cause we gonna take you to Funky Town, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not sureIn sad news, Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow broke up; that’s too bad, I heard they were a fun couple, I think that’s what was meant when Lance and Sheryl were alone together they just had a ball.

I’ve heard of thatA soft drink company claims they have a beverage that makes people really want to have sex; and there is another beverage that makes people want to have sex with ugly people, it’s called booze.

CatchyA lawmaker in New Jersey has introduced a bill that would make circumcisions illegal in New Jersey. If it passes, they will have to change their state Motto from the new “New Jersey: Come See For Yourself, to “New Jersey: What? You ain’t seen one unclipped before?”

A lawmaker in New Jersey has introduced a bill that would make circumcisions illegal in New Jersey. If that passes, the Jersey Mafia won’t be the only ones with a lot of hoods.

A lawmaker in New Jersey has introduced a bill that would make circumcisions illegal in New Jersey. This will bring a whole new meaning to the mafia hit term of getting clipped.

Uh ohHillary Clinton has been seen sporting a huge diamond ring; I guess that means Bill got caught with Kobe’s Bryant’s wife, Venessa.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget itU2 won Grammys for best album and best song; it was a little awkward, when they told President Bush that U2 won Bush said; “Great, but I didn’t know I was nominated.”

“AI” dissed twice“American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson won the Grammy for best pop vocal but she didn’t thank “American Idol.” And Justin Guarini didn’t thank “American Idol” when he won Starbucks employee of the month.

Since you asked:Check out the list of comedy legends here in “Newsday”: Letterman, Fey, O’Brien, Barach and, well, you know . . .

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Its time to lay down

You got to do it to it all through it or just say screw it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bush, George Bush, double knot sevenA justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. Well, except for Osama bin Laden.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. More bad news for Ted Kennedy.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. Suddenly getting your phone tapped doesn’t sound so bad. I’d rather get my phone tapped than my ass.

A justice department official has determined that the President of the United States can legally have somebody killed. To play it safe, I spent all day apologizing for my Bush-is-dumb jokes into my tapped phone.

So gayElton John has written a Broadway Musical. “I’ll take ‘What is even gayer than “Brokeback Mountain” for 100, Alex.”

Gay-theme epidemicBrad Pitt was so moved by “Brokeback Mountain” that he has told his agent he wants to star in a gay-themed movie. In fact, writers are busy working on the script for “The Ryan Seacrest Story.”

Didn’t get around to itBritney Spears is in trouble after she was photographed illegally and dangerously driving with her baby on her lap. It is not totally her fault. Britney asked Kevin Federline to install the baby’s car seat but K-Fed hasn’t gotten off the couch to do it.

HarrrrrrIn London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism; the two hook-handed one-eyed cleric was guilty of 11 criminal charges and one charge of doing a really bad pirate impression.

Here is my question, the guy has hooks for hands. How did they finger print him?

You think an English jail would be bad enough because of the food, how would you like to be the cell mate of Abu Hamza, a guy with no hands?

“Oh, blimey, Abu, you just went to the loo. Stop drinking all that bleedin’ tea.”

In London the guy with hooks for hands, Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism and sentenced to seven years in an English prison. You thought regular English food was bad? Try English prison food, Abu will be glad he doesn’t have any hands.

(Warning, old stupid pirate joke coming)In London a one-eyed guy with hooks for hands, Abu Hamza, was sentenced to seven years for terrorism. Do you know how Abu lost his eye? A pigeon pooped in it. Normally you don’t lose your eye from pigeon poop, but it was his first day wearing the hooks.

She won’t be ignoredActress Glenn Close, 58, is getting married again. It was mutual love at first sight, Close didn’t have to boil a single one of his kid’s rabbits.

Not since thenSir Elton John has written a Broadway musical. On a personal note, “Sir Elton John has written a Broadway musical” is the gayest sentence I’ve ever said since I said “Richard Simmons loves lavender bubble baths.”

Since you asked:According to a new rock history book rock guitar god Jimi Hendrix got out of going to Vietnam by pretending he was gay. Not only that, but Hendrix choice of on-stage apparel was to maintain the impression he was gay in case his draft board was watching his concerts.

Think about it. When Jimi Hendrix first hit it big in England, how were rock stars dressed? In suits. Usually in matching suits. Or like the early Elvis, the leather jacket, jeans, t-shirts and slicked back hair giving way to mop head.

Hendrix was such a huge influence in England in 1966 that everyone in rock, the Stones, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Cream and the Who, also started wearing puffy, frilly shirts, feather boas, faux leopard, tight leather pants, big floppy feathered hats, high heeled boots and tons and tons of makeup and jewelry and they started growing their hair long. Hell, Clapton even had a Hendrix-attributed Afro perm for a brief and tragic time.

Wouldn’t be hilarious that, for decades and decades, rock stars and hippies and everyone in the late sixties and early seventies have been dressing like a Fire Island hairdresser named Felipe by mistake because Hendrix wanted his draft board to think he was gay?

Now that’s funny. And it also explains my mid-Seventies hip huggers made of four inch denim squares elephant bell bottoms. Why do I suddenly hear Boston playing “More Than a Feeling”? Why do I suddenly smell Karen Dean’s Cachet perfume on my abolone fake-pearl buttoned faded denim shirt? (From making out with Karen, not from borrowing her perfume)

So many people have come and goneTheir faces fade as the years go byYet I still recall as I wander onAs clear as the sun in the summer sky

It’s more than a feeling, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers, when I hear that old song they used to play

Lord help me, I do hate the Boston with the white hot passion of a billion suns.

Since you asked, 2:Attention Hollywood spin doctors for Tom Cruise, Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, et al, we, Joe Lex Public, do not really care if actors are or are not gay. We care if they are gay and are trying to trick us that they are not gay so we will still go see them. Did anyone not go see “Jerry McGuire” because they thought Tom Cruise was gay? No. We also don’t like if they are not gay and pretending that they are gay, but that only happened once in history: Mick Jagger. This whole trying-to-fool-us- about-a-celebrity’s-sexuality machine is insulting on many levels.

It insults us that you assume we are homophobic. It insults us that we think you think we can be easily dupped. It insults us that you think we think that because we think we know someone based on their acting in a movie that we also think we know them in real life. We don’t think about it that much. It also insults us that you think that our world revolves around what we think about your dorky little actor.

Nobody didn’t go to see “Brokeback Mountain” because they didn’t want to see straight actors play gay lovers. The opposite is true. No, many, many guys didn’t see “Brokeback Mountain” because no matter how much we hear how great a movie it is, we can’t fight the knowledge that we will get horribly creeped-out when we see two guys making out. If that makes all straight guys homophobic, then that’s the way it is. We can’t help that like we can’t help getting incredibly annoyed when someone else’s kid screams. It’s hard wired into our DNA.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Its time to lay down

Oh, oh, oh, it is so being brought, come on now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Only in HollyweirdA tough guy Private Investigator, Anthony Pellicano, “Tony Pellicans” was charged with a wire tapping scheme that spied on Hollywood big shots. Apparently this guy would go around make movie stars an offer they can’t refuse without their agent.

Avast thereIn London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism; the hook-handed one-eyed cleric was guilty of 11 criminal charges and one charge of doing a really bad pirate impression.

In London Abu Hamza was convicted of terrorism and convicted of 11 criminal charges. It was a bad day for the hook-handed one-eyed cleric, the parrot on his shoulder was also diagnosed with the bird flu.

“TTSWJL”Terry Bradshaw was on the Tonight Show last night. Terry is like a chimp on crack. I think Terry has ADD, or as Terry calls ADD, Attention Deficit, whatever-that-is.

Ellen DeGeneris is on the show two days after the Super Bowl. Ellen doesn’t know a lot about the Super Bowl and football. Ellen thinks a Pittsburgh Steeler is kleptomaniac from Pennsylvania.

Do we need this?During the start of the Super Bowl, Gillette had a commercial for their new Fusion which has five blades. Five blades shaves so close it actually shaves your dead ancestors.

The first blade lifts the hair, the second cuts it, the third puts the hair in the trunk and the fourth and fifth blades bury the hair in the Nevada dessert.

Good for himOne of the Super Bowl commercials was for Sprint where the guy shows his buddy the crime deterrent feature in his cell phone; he asks the guy to try and steal his wallet and he beans the guy with the phone. And the guy who got hit in the head and fell down? He was named an honorary Seahawks receiver.

OuchIn retrospect, the Super Bowl XL went pretty well but there was one tragedy. One of Burger Kings show girls dressed as a Whopper, a Whopperette, wandered too close to the field before the game and, well, Aretha Franklin ate her.

Awwwwww and NahhhhhhhhhhhIt’s unanimous the sweetest Super Bowl commercial was the cute Budweiser Clydesdale colt tying to pull the beer wagon and he secretly gets help from his Mom and Dad. Not the sweetest commercial? When Bill Clinton secretly tried to help the Go Daddy girl’s blouse strap break.

Bad callsPeople are still talking about how bad the officials were in the Super Bowl. How bad were they? Ex-FEMA head Michael Brown could have called a better game.

Bling SlingerSadly, the member of Busta Rhymes posse who was Busta’s bling handler, was killed in a gun battle. And this is also today’s story that can’t possibly ever be explained to President Bush.

The guy’s who got shot, his only job was to handle Busta’s bling, or jewelry.

Elton John has written a Broadway Musical. The working title is: Gayer than “Brokeback Mountain.”

Muslims around the globe continue to protest a cartoon of prophet Muhammad; if they don’t like that they are really going to hate it when McDonalds unveils their new pork sandwich: the McMuhammad.

Since you asked:It would take a team of psychiatrists to explain my love/hate relationship with my computer.

When it is going well I am as happy as any happy idiot can be. Call me Captain Multi Tasker, I write on Word and research topics on Google, check out the traffic on the blog, shoot out e-mails, listen to a rocking tune on iTunes while sending a Fax while yammering to someone on the phone. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Muahahahahahaha.

But when something goes wrong? I lose it.

Take, for example, my Outlook Express. Because I am too dumb to know how and too lazy to do anything about it, it takes forever to load up. Why it doesn’t trigger that awful “The program is not responding” evil little box, I don’t know, but it takes forever. By the time it does come up, my attention deficit whatever-it’s-called has kicked in and out six times.

The outline box of Outlook Express pops up right away but the files and letters are what take so long. So what happens? I get annoyed, forget that I am waiting for it and absentmindedly click on the red X to close the Outlook Express file while it is still loading. Just then it starts to fill in and I actually start talking to the screen;

And because it is so filling in so slowly, I tell myself that it forgot about my close click. But once it finally fills in, like it was shot by a vengeful jealous lover, it remembers my close click and slowly shuts down.

“No. No. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Just like Willem DeFoe in “Platoon” I drop to my knees and raise my arms heavenward and let out a Nancy Kerrigan-like;

“Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?”

That split second when you click a slow loading program closed and you remember you didn’t want to do that? That has to be how a bomb expert feels when he clips the wrong wire and he has about five seconds to realize that he is about to get blown up.

Since you asked, 3:In a classic example of a non-item that the press is blowing into a big deal and nobody else cares anything about it: newspaper writers everywhere all have their little notepads in a bunch over the fact that the Rolling Stones had two words censored at the Super Bowl and agreed to it.

Cock and Come. It was two little words.

Not in the context the Stones meant cock and come mean male rooster and arrive.

Now, I understand that journalists think their right to free speech, not yours or mine, but their personal right to free speech takes place over the importance of all things, but nobody else cares. The Stone don’t care. The viewers didn’t care. More importantly, you don’t care.

But the press is whaling (No, it is not a wail typo, they are looking for whales) on and on about big brother watching and rock roll gets shackled by the man and we were robbed of art because of red state mentality. Blah, and blahdeeblahblah. Shut it.

Its time to lay down

Super DuperDuring the start of the Super Bowl, Gillette had a commercial for their new fusion which has five blades. And by the fourth quarter, a commercial showed the fusion had eight blades.

How needs five blades on their razor? Does anyone grow a five o’clock shadow on their DNA?

Seattle FlewIn the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10. This did not sit well with Seahawks fans in Seattle. After the game there were reports of overturned Lattes, bottles of wine were needlessly sent back and there were flat out refusals of fresh ground pepper.

Super Bowl XL, does it come in a different size?In the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10. There was a touching moment when the two quarterbacks, Ben Rothelsberger and Matt Hasselback hugged after the game. Hollywood is going to make a movie about it: “Hasselback Mountain.”

In the Super Bowl, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10. The Seahawks were the victims of three at least three big bad calls. In fact, I haven’t seen an NFL team get this screwed since the Minnesota Vikings stepped on a yacht.

There were a lot of bad calls during the Super Bowl. How bad were the officials? Pre-game performer Stevie Wonder could have made better calls.

Today, the Monday after the Super Bowl, is the day of the highest work absenteeism. People just simply do not show up to do what they are paid to do. Kind of like the Seattle Seahawks receivers in the Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl officiating was terrible. Did you see when they disallowed a Seahawks touchdown for offensive interference because they said the receiver pushed off? He hardly touched the guy. Maybe that was a push off on Brokeback Mountain, but not the Super Bowl.

To be candid, like a lot of people, I’m a little tired after the Super Bowl party. I need a good night’s sleep. Like the referees had during the Super Bowl.

Did you see the Budweiser commercial where the shorn sheep streaked the Clydesdales football game? That was so funny the “Brokeback Mountain” guys laughed so hard they fell off their gay cowboy.

And Ted KennedyThe day after a huge loss for house majority leader, Republican Missouri congressman Roy Blunt Jr. blamed the loss on the media. Yeah, in fact, Blunt whined and complained so much about losing the vote, Al Gore and John Kerry named him an honorary democrat.

Back to basicsA Phoenix man is auctioning off personal items of Paris Hilton’s including her diary. The items also include more Paris Hilton sex videos. It always good to see a celebrity return to the strengths that made them famous.

The items also include Paris’s sex toys. And the auction price includes a thorough disinfecting.

A Phoenix man is auctioning off personal items of Paris Hilton’s including her diary. There are some surprising Diary entries. “American Idol” loser William Hung? He ain’t.

A Phoenix man is auctioning off personal items of Paris Hilton’s including her diary. Paris’s diary has a lot of interesting entries. Just like Paris.

The Paris Hilton diary has some fascinating entries. Larry King? A tiger in the sack.

The Paris Hilton diary has some embarrassing entries. Apparently Paris once flew to the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona Spain because she heard there were lots of horny guys.

The auction includes a pair of panties Paris wore. In fact, the only panties Paris ever wore.

Hate to hear thisSome sad news, Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow have split up. You could see this coming. When Lance retired he said he just wanted to lie around and drink beer while his wife performed. If Sheryl wanted a guy like that she would have married Kevin Federline.

That is sad, Lance is crazy about Sheryl, in fact, he is just plain nut about her.

NFL factsAlthough the names Steelers and Seahawks don’t really mean anything, it’s not unusual for an NFL team to be named after a fictional character. For example, the Minnesota Vikings aren’t a bunch of thugs who go on boats to drink and maraud. OK, bad example.

A town in Pennsylvania has changed their name from Washington to Steeler to show support for the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XL. And in Texas, to show support for the Houston Texans, a town has changed their name to Pathetic.

The 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy begin Friday. Have you seen the men’s double luge? Two guys lie on top of each other on a tiny sled. That’s not an Olympic event, that’s a drunken bet that started at the top of “Brokeback Mountain.”

It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush if he would be going to Torino, he said; “No, but I once drove a Ford Taurus.”

The Paris Hilton diary is authentic. She signs off every entry with her own personal X.

At the Super Bowl Terry Bradshaw was supposed to be introduced with all of the other Super Bowl MVPs, but Terry didn’t show up. He just did not show up at the Super Bowl. Just like the Seattle Seahawk receivers, they just did not show up at the Super Bowl.

At the Super Bowl Terry was supposed to be introduced with all of the other Super Bowl MVPs, but Terry didn’t show up. He just did not show up at the Super Bowl. Just like the Seattle Seahawk receivers, they just did not show up at the Super Bowl.

What could Terry Bradshaw have been doing that was more important than being introduced as a Super Bowl MVP? We know he wasn’t getting his hair cut.

What could Terry Bradshaw have been doing that was more important than being introduced as a MVP at the Super Bowl? Was he too busy getting married and divorced again?

Let’s all pray Terry wasn’t busy making another country album.

Since you asked:My comedy writing pal Jim Barach reminded me of a story worth re-telling. Apologies if you know it.

My buddy Bryan was working for a very high profile investment marketing company in L.A.. They go out and promote a companies stock to get large money management investors to but it, thus increasing the value. So image is everything for this company.

One day I call and my buddy’s new secretary, Slatvena, answered with her very thick Russian accent. I asked;

“Could I talk to Bryan?”

“No, Bryan is being in how-you-say wery, wery important meeting vith clients.”

That is when the evil light bulb went off in my head. With the earnestness of Keifer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer character in “24” I say;

“Slatvena, this is highly important, trust me, I can’t explain why, but you most interrupt the meeting and say exactly what I tell you to say word for word. Lives could be at stake.”

After being instructed by me as to what to say, in a panic, Slatvena bursts into the boardroom and yells;

“Emergency, emergency, everybody is to be going overboard, Mooses and Squirrels first.”

Since you asked, 2:

Every now and then an event comes along that provides us with a barometer for who is a-hole and who isn’t. The people who love to criticize the Rolling Stones’ Super Bowl halftime performance is a good example.

The people who criticized the Stones performance are jerks. Plain and simple. Are the Stones 62? Yes. Are they young? No. Do they still perform well? Yes. Would I have chosen “Start Me Up” “Rough Justice” and (I can’t get no) “Satisfaction” as their three songs? No, no, maybe.

But after seeing them in concert in San Diego where they played one of my all time favorites, “Midnight Rambler” that they rarely play and “Honky Tonk Woman” “Tumblin’ Dice” and a few other gems from “Sticky Fingers” as well as their standards, “Brown Sugar” “Jumping Jack Flash” my wife and I sat up in our hotel room playing songs for two hours that they didn’t play. A Stones concert could be eight hours long.

The Stones did a great job at halftime. They rocked the Super Bowl like they rock everyplace else they perform. And they looked good. Keith may have been a little over-served beforehand, but who wasn’t? It’s the Super Bowl.