A Jewish Woman's Journey Through Infertility

Confronting My Pain

Through the encouragement of the Puah Counselor with whom I talk to every week, I went to shul last Shabbos to be around little children and mothers with babies. Her rationale was to prepare me for the upcoming High Holidays when I will be going to shul. Keep in mind that our shul is in a house with very small space so during kiddush the place is packed with people from wall to wall. During the times when my emotions become overwhelming there is nowhere to escape to unless I walk out the door.

Last Shabbos it was pretty hot. I braved the 1 mile walk in the heat and was truly grateful for the shade. I thought that there would not be too many women with small kids in shul due to the heat. When I got to shul, I was in for a surprise. Not only was the shul packed, there were lots of small kids, including two babies. I had to confront my pain…. I told Hashem, “You sure are testing me!”

I had flashbacks to the three embryos that did not implant and I felt a twinge of sadness. I had to tell myself that there will be a second chance for a new set of embryo transfer. With my self-talk, I was able to carry on a conversation with a couple of women. I could not bring myself to talk to the mothers with their blessed bundles of joy. The pain was still raw yet I felt that Hashem was transforming me in that moment. Had my Puah counselor not pushed me, I would not have gone to shul.

I got an invitation for Shabbos lunch with friends of ours. They have three children, and the youngest is a cute 2 (perhaps 3) year old. I should ask how old she is. We had an enjoyable lunch. The walk back to our apartment however was not so enjoyable.

Did I pass the test? I certainly hope that in Hashem’s eyes I did. Often transformation comes with a lot of effort to step into a zone that does not feel comfortable. Being at home on Shabbos is comfortable. I do not have to confront my pain. At shul on the other hand, I have to deal with the painful reality that presently I am not pregnant and that furthermore a viable pregnancy means I need medical intervention with no guarantees of success. This is a situation where I have no control. I depend on Hashem’s compassion and mercy. May He answer my heartfelt prayer and the tefilos of every Jewish woman who is presently childless.