But it's still on the list . . .

April 2013

04/30/2013

JC is doing . . . OK. She had some anxiety yesterday, and it caused some issues with her meeting her schedule, and that was very worrying to me. I have asked her to return to the "come home" restriction of her not assiting the children with homework, as well, because Tesla asked for some help and JC forgot to finish the job until it was far too late.

JC has her own stuff to manage, and, frankly, it's more than enough for her to do day to day. Part of this is probably my fault, because I had asked her to assit with Tesla's science fair project. Also, Tesla should have known better than to ask Mom for help right now, but that's something I intend to take up with her this afternoon. I'll be getting the kids from school because JC has a conflicting session with her therapist at the same time.

JC is moving broadly in the right direction. I'm having a hard time letting go of my role as protector, and a harder time finding space to build trust with JC. Yes, I know, it's been a week, I need to give it more time.

Unfortunately, this whole experience has brought out a sort of minor diety complex in me: I feel like I should be able to fix things far more quickly than I can. I've had such close control over the day to day in my house that I feel like I'm letting someone or something down if I don't have that level of control.

04/26/2013

This post is exerpted and annotated from an e-mail with a friend deep in her own relationship issues, who was kind enough to ask me how I'm doing. Since I suddenly stopped blogging, but so many issues remain, I thought I'd better bring it back online after a little hiatus.

I had a complete meltdown before JC came home, to the point where I was worried it wouldn't be safe for her to come home, which, of course, caused further meltdown, if that is even possible. That much you already know, if you've been keeping up with these posts.

JC is doing very well! Far better than I am, in fact, because she's got a solid plan for recovery, and I don't. She's been challenged every day, by seeing the mall walkers, by hearing how much Lotus has grown up in the last three months, by me having a mental episode last night because my stress counselor brought up old memories of my previous marriage, and how I tried to make that marriage work for far longer than I should have, and that all my efforts amounted to nothing, and suddenly, I'm thinking, what the hell am I doing, is there a payoff for all this work and sacrifice and everything, or am I making the same mistake again? So . . . yeah, she's OK, but it's challenging from all sides, and so I'm wondering, again, if it's safe for her to be home.

The kids are super excited to have their mom home, which, honestly, is causing me some discomfort, because I'm able to look into the future, and wonder if it's going to last this time, wonder what I'll do if it doesn't, wonder how we're going to rebuild trust, or even if we can. But I'll keep trying, at least until it's obvious to everyone except me that I'm wasting my time again. Loyalty is a harsh mistress.

Sorry this is late again. Damnably hard to post these when sleepy and trying to manage three kids in a hotel who are completely overexcited by seeing mommy for the first time in 87 days.

JC said the boy had obviously grown, less so on the girls.

We sat around and played a little. JC's schedule was kind of an annoyance. As soon as I'd get comfortable, it would be snack time, and I'd have to watch the kids and move back upstairs. I think I managed about 15 minutes napping. Oh well. Little grumpy, but I'll explain to her.

Pretty short tempered with the kids. Just a function of lack of sleep and being tired of being the only parent. Of course, the only parent thing will go on for a little while longer, but at least I'll be able to run out to the store after bedtime once in a while.

04/19/2013

Seriously, I am now thinking in terms of how many hours before I get to see my wife, and bring her home.

My endgame record with inpatient treatment centers is now 0-2. The same sort of meltdown happened last time. But it was more focused on the center itself, rather than my perceptions of my wife. I think the biggest issue is my anxiety around bringing her home. Let's face it, in both cases I had builds up a routine which did not include her. And the last experience that I had with her included in the day-to-day process in the house, was mostly chaotic. It's simply a function of how eating disorders work. She withdraws further and further from the family as the eating disorder gets worse. And that is the most recent memory I have of her involvement. Because of this, my anxiety level is abnormally high already. Thus, it becomes far more difficult for me to objectively assess any perception of potential chaos she would bring home. Result: utter emotional breakdown on my part.

However, in both cases, JC stood her ground against my breakdown. In both cases, almost a role reversal from when I take her to the inpatient center, where I am the rational strong person, and she is the emotional mental wreck.

And let's not forget, that I also end up burying my feelings at the beginning of the cycle, to protect her. This only results in forming the habit of ignoring my feelings, until I simply cannot ignore them any longer. By which time, of course, it's far too late to address them in any reasonable, straightforward way.

So, I'm going to forgive myself this lapse, and move on to the real work that is about to come home with me.

It had better be one hell of an epic call today, because JC has to convince me not only that she gets it, but that she will continue to get it after she comes home, or I'm not going to go fetch her on Sunday.