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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sadness in My Mailbox - Part II

About two months ago, I wrote a blog post about a catalog that made me break down and cry like a baby. In light of recent events, I received an unwelcome package in the mail today that should have yielded the same result. I received the maternity clothes that I ordered last week.

I don't know why I ordered those stupid clothes. I hadn't gained any weight yet and I certainly wasn't showing anything even remotely resembling a pregnant figure. Fat figure, yes; pregnant, no. I still have all of my maternity clothes that I wore when I was expecting my son. I hate shopping for pants without being able to try them on. So why did I do this to myself? Why in the world did I order these stupid fucking maternity clothes?

I find it oddly fascinating that I didn't dissolve into a blubbering mess of tears. I stared at the package for a few moments and then tossed it on a pile of magazines that I keep intending to donate somewhere. I didn't even open it. . .I mean, why bother? It's not like I'll be wearing the clothes anyway.

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On a related note, I'm still exhibiting pregnancy symptoms for some damn reason. As if the last few days haven't been awful enough without nausea and impossibly sore breasts. My food aversions seem to be decreasing though and it's good to finally be able to eat vegetables and drink water without running to the toilet to yak it up.

My body still hasn't started to release the baby. It is killing me to know that my beloved baby is still there, dead and rotting in my own body. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of. . .it's truly horrific.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just have the D & C and be done with it. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know that having to undergo that procedure will rip open a long-closed wound and I just can't do it. But I also can't stand the knowledge that my body is stupidly holding on to my dead baby.

The internet is a blessing and a curse in times like these. It's wonderful to read of all the times that the ultrasound was wrong and the baby was found perfectly healthy when they checked before doing a D & C. It's awful to read of other women's experiences with miscarriage at 10-weeks. I have read several accounts of women who actually saw their dead baby's features as they pass it out of their body. That sounds like it's too much to bear.

I don't know what's worse: Seeing your dead baby at home and at least being able to bury it or honor it in some fashion or not seeing it and letting the doctor throw it away like biological garbage. Unfortunately, I know what they do with the fetal tissue and I can not allow that to happen to this very loved and wanted baby. I just can't.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but this back and forth crap is making me crazy. Opinions? Suggestions?

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I've been contacted by more than a half-dozen women who have experienced a similar situation. I had no idea this was so common. I appreciate that so many of you have shared your experiences because I was sure that this was my fault, my shame. Thank you for being so open and caring. Here's hoping that one day all of our wounds will be healed.