Every Guy a Pussy, Earthquake Reports

After reverberating through Isla Vista on Wednesday morning with an estimated magnitude of 4.9, an earthquake informed reporters that every guy in Isla Vista is a complete pussy.

The shift of tectonic plates cited the overwhelming display of cowardice from Isla Vista’s male population, including running into the streets clad in bathrobes, screaming at the top of their lungs, and immediately making phone calls to parents, as evidence that men in this town are gigantic, trembling wusses.

“I came here to party,” said the earthquake. “But the moment I show up, every lame-ass bro starts cowering under his desk or grabbing all of his personal belongings.”

“I thought people in IV were supposed to be cool,” added the earthquake. “Fucking dorks.”

The earthquake further referenced the number of male UCSB and SBCC students who retrieved weapons such as baseball bats, knives, and paintball guns, as proof that the men of Isla Vista are not only pitiful little chicken shits utterly lacking in wherewithal, but also pretty stupid too.

“Really? A golf club?” the earthquake told reporters with a look of smug disbelief. “I’m a tremendous release of energy from the crust of the Earth, and you think I’m going to be scared of some momma’s boy with a 9-iron? Get a grip, sissy.”

After telling every man on or around the UCSB campus to “grow some god damn balls,” the earthquake praised the women of Isla Vista for their even-keeled responses to its arrival, citing the most frantic reaction as that of sophomore Kelly Llarena, who awoke to the tremor, panted heavily for a moment, and checked her Facebook.