The 8 Different Types Of Hookups

1. The One-Night Stand

The great Kim Kardashian once said, “I think everyone should have a one-night stand.” The very same woman has also gone on the record saying that she has never had a one-night stand, but we turn to her for makeup advice, not her wisdom, so I’m not sure it matters either way. What I do need to explain is this: a one-night stand does not just mean you only hooked up with a guy one time. I don’t know where the idea that hooking up with an old friend or a guy you went on a few dates with one time “counts,” but it doesn’t. It’s not truly a one-night stand unless you meet that night, go home together, fuck, and then send each other off into the distance, with only a hickey to remember each other by. You never talk to each other again. You don’t exchange numbers. If enough time goes by, you won’t remember his name — you might not even remember his face. But you will be able to check another devious act off your sexual bucket list, and that’s all anyone really cares about anyway.

2. The Fuckboy

The fuckboy can only exist in a world where the girl is kind of an idiot. I’m sorry, but it’s true — and I say this as a fuckboy magnet. Yes, he is an asshole by his own right. He is manipulative, and selfish, and just not all that nice to you. But you, my dear, put up with it. You don’t know if it’s his charm, or his good looks, or something else about him, but every Monday, the words “I’m done!” cross your lips, and then every Friday, you’re back for more. You’ll get it out of your system, eventually. Maybe some girls just need to experience a bad boy to appreciate the good ones. But for now, just remember, he can only treat you like shit because you let him.

3. The Bitch

Sometimes you hook up with fuckboys, and sometimes, you are the fuckboy. In both situations, someone is a dick, and someone is a pussy — and we all know which genitals have it easier, sry sister suffragettes. You never feel great about having a bitch — you might not even realize it at first, but this is the guy that is hopelessly in love with you and maybe you never throw him a full pity fuck, but you let him go down on you. Your mother taught you to have manners, after all.

4. The Cuddler

Like a god(dess if we’re being honest), among men, there is the cuddler. On the outside, he’s all muscle, and on the inside, he’s all beer, but in the bedroom? He just wants a woman to hold close. You lay with him, post-romp, and you’re honestly confused. Why is he holding you so tightly? Is he maybe in love with me? What do I do with my other arm? Don’t try to understand him. Just enjoy laying with a guy who seems to want you there, even when you’re not touching his penis.

5. The Terrible Lay

In every young skank’s roster, she will have a terrible, terrible fucking lay — sex so bad you’re not even sure whether or not to call it sex. The culprit may be guilty of jackhammering it, a lack of foreplay, an “oops, wrong hole,” a tiny penis, or all of the above, but he will go down in the books for all of time as the worst sex you’ve ever had. Chuckle to yourself forevermore remembering that someone will marry your mistake one day.

6. The (Unrequited) Love Of Your Life

Nothing is more painful than the guy who seems like your boyfriend, but just…isn’t. You’ll continue to sleep with this guy for way longer than you care to admit, because you convince yourself that having a little piece of him is better than having none of him at all. He’s not an asshole, and you always have fun together, but it just never…happens for the two of you, for reasons you’ll never quite understand. Things will eventually fizzle out between you two, but they will never truly end until he’s in a relationship, which will be the painful, heart-breaking slap in the face you didn’t know you needed.

7. The Backup

Probably a friend with benefits, the backup is the guy who’s just available. He’s a good time, and you’ll hit him up when you’re in desperate need, but you don’t really think of him most of the time. He’s one of the few hookups that you legitimately don’t feel jealous of when he has a new girlfriend. He’s just for fun, and sometimes you forget you’ve ever seen him naked.

8. The Boyfriend

You know what? Why don’t you tell me what a boyfriend is. I just wrote a list of the different types of guys you casually bang and I just don’t feel as though I’m an expert on this one..

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Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co