I hope you don’t mind me writing to you like this, but Rico is in such a state that the dog has moved into a trailer park and I’ve had to hide all his Bananarama CDs. (Rico’s, not the dog’s.)

Anyhoo, as you may have noticed, Tully has been playing strange games with the concepts of ‘fidelity’ and ‘lesbian’ and it was just brought to our attention that you might have become so peeved by her antics that you’ve taken a guillotine to your relationship and left Rico with no other choice than to attempt to get down on his knees while balancing a two-thirds full wine skin.

Yes, yes, we KNOW she’s been acting like a faithless whore, but before you make your decision final you should know that Rico is a drunk with his heart set on Drew and Jade getting married and having bay-beees, and if you don’t take Tully back and leave the way clear for his heart’s desire, Rico will cry you a port river the likes of which would have had Noah pushing his animals overboard and shrieking that he should have named his ark the fucking Titanic.

Rico reckons while you’re at it, he’d also like to put in a request for you to put together some hot lesbian task force to ‘take care of Ed’. You can read into that however you wish, but if the end result is Jade and Drew finding their way back under a Big Brother doona, then Rico reckons there’s going to be a goon bag with your name on it and he might even stump for a four-litre.

I know it probably won’t be easy for you to take Tully back after all that massaging and eye-contact and the way that she doesn’t seem to mind Drew’s smelly hair or the way that he has, you know, a penis – but if you’ve ever wanted to do something for your fellow man, why not consider doing it for your fellow drunk man? And anyway, as soon as Drew is back making cow-eyes at Jade, you can get rid of Tully and start working your way through all the girls who AREN’T charmed by a greasy ponytail and a Y chromosome.

Rico also wants it known that he thinks you are gorgeous, and not just because you are a genuine lesbian (even though that does give him a tickle in a private place that he refuses to name), but more because you look like a spunky little James Spader prior to all the weight gain and he suspects that if there is one person in the world who can rock a strap-on without making his asshole clench up like the first fist at a Matty Newton party, it’s you.