Ghosts At The University Of Iowa Steal Panties And Love The Big Ten Network

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One house near the University of Iowa campus, lived in by a few members of the Iowa baseball team (and a hockey player), has been experiencing some strange occurrences lately.

A local paranormal-investigating task force claims to have confirmed the residents have two spirits in their house. One, an older, grandfatherly figure — whom the guys have named “Tim” — roams the halls and rooms of the three-story house. Another, a younger girl, stays put in one particular room of the house.

That’s fucking interesting. The story goes on…

Members of the house began noticing chairs being moved around in the kitchen late at night.

I hope they didn’t immediately jump to the conclusion that ghosts were to blame. Seems like a copout. My first thoughts whenever shit is moved around are, “What did I do while blackout?” or “Who is/was blackout?”

“…We had a kid in here who thought he saw a ghost — a shadow in a form of a human.”

Pssssh. Drunk guy seeing things. I’m not convinced.

“We thought about how [baseball player Taylor Zeutenhorst] said he saw a little girl in his bedroom,”

I think we’ve all been in Tyler’s shoes before. You wake up in the morning, still half drunk from the night before, you see a high school townie sneaking out of your room, you’re almost positive she isn’t 18 years old, and you think to yourself, “Please just be a ghost.”

Not buying it.

And on two separate occasions, girlfriends of players have had underwear removed from them while sleeping, even though they were wearing pants. Each time, the undergarments were discovered in another place.

Are they banging Ke$ha?

But no, really, assuming there are ghosts in this house, that’s a pretty creepy set. You’ve got a little girl ghost, which is terrifying no matter how adorable she might be. If you see this in your house, it’s time to fucking leave.

I don’t care if just beyond the girl’s ghost is Kate Upton, naked, with a winning Power Ball ticket resting in her cleavage. You get on your tricycle and DON’T STOP FUCKING PEDALING!

As far as the old man ghost goes, stealing panties is a little…rapey. This guy isn’t getting out of purgatory any time soon. To be honest though, these girls are lucky that this old man ghost has only stolen their panties. Living perverted old men are shameless as it is, but the dead ones who have no Earthly laws to abide by that have been abandoned by God can literally do whatever the hell they want. It’s only a matter of time before they see that apparition wheeling this badboy into the room.

But hey, at least he’s a sports fan.

Every night when he got ready to go to bed, Hawkeye baseball player Trevor Kenyon usually left his TV on the Big Ten Network. One night, he decided to fall asleep to FX.

When he returned to his room after brushing his teeth, he discovered his TV had been changed to BTN. Kenyon turned the TV off and put the remote on the floor next to his bed. When he rolled over, he discovered the remote next to him on the pillow. After that, Kenyon turned the TV back on to BTN and let “Tim” watch sports as he fell asleep.

But despite the door slamming, chair moving, terrifying little girl apparitions, and paranormal sexual assault, the biggest issue the students have had with their otherworldly housemates has been that the old man ghost can’t seem to stop sucking them off…of all their energy.

One of the more peculiar stories comes from a room in the attic of the house. Kenyon, a junior catcher who has lived in the furnished attic all year, said that for whatever reason, there were times he couldn’t find the energy to leave his bed or his room.

“I never wanted to leave the room. I had no motivation,” he said. “I usually have high energy. I would get depressed — be in there moping around, wondering, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ ”

Other teammates who have lived in Kenyon’s room in the past have told him they experienced similar things and feelings of exhaustion while in the room.

According to the paranormal investigators the students invited to the house, this occurrence is not unheard of.

“I don’t think he was trying to take his energy to be mean,” [Paranormal Investigator Lacy] Benter said. “Sometimes, to get attention, they take energy. It can be harmful to people; they can get ill or be overcome with severe depression. I don’t think this one meant it to be harmful, but some do.”

…

Kenyon told them about the problems he was having in his room, and they had a simple solution: Ask the spirit to stop stealing his energy.

And apparently that worked. You’ll note, also, that no one asked the ghost to stop molesting their girlfriends.

Though the students no longer mind their dead roomies, they have decided not to renew their lease on the house next year, especially after learning that the residence was a funeral home in the 1920s, which probably explains the presence of the spirits in the first place.

They also plan on leaving the ghosts for the next group who leases the house.

The players could take measures to rid their house of the spirits, but because no harm has been done, they have decided to let their guests be.

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

Comments

I’ll be goddamned if an apparition is going to try and stop me from getting to a naked Kate Upton with the winning powerball ticket. I’d swim through a croc infested ocean to get to that. Show some gumption, Bacon. You’re better than that.