Dear Zelda: Our agony aunt on the cost of divorce to children, jealousy and university stress

HE SAYS I’M BEING UNREASONABLY JEALOUSMy husband of four years had a woman friend who constantly told him he looks fantastic, while completely ignoring me. She would invite him to supper alone and they would watch a film afterwards. When I objected, he got angry and accused me of being insanely jealous. I said that friendships with the opposite sex were fine but they should operate within reasonable boundaries.

He is 41, comes from an upper-class family and smokes cannabis every day. He has now moved out of our home to a property 150 miles away left to him by his mother, and has struck up a friendship with a woman who went to the same public school. When I confronted him about going to her flat, he screamed, ‘What did you think we were doing, having sex?’

He is now unemployed and has no intention of looking for work. Sometimes I doubt my sanity. Perhaps he is right – am I just a jealous woman? He wants the marriage. Should I try to make a go of it or move on?

He blames you for behaving badly because that way he doesn’t have to take responsibility for his own actions. He has done this so successfully that you doubt your own judgment, and now wonder whether you are feeling irrationally jealous.

The answer is no, you are not. This woman obviously fancies him. Do they watch the film cuddled up on the sofa – and does it really stop there? He also wants to see her despite knowing it upsets you. Now he is possibly going to have the same cosy relationship with a second woman. But on top of that, do you really want to be with a man who takes drugs every day and has no intention of trying to get a job? You’ll end up funding his lifestyle. I think you know it’s time to move on.

WHY ISN’T SHE HAPPY FOR ME?A close friend of mine dated a man for eight months. During that period, he dumped her five times. Each time, he begged her to go back. Reluctantly I listened to her complain about him, as well as boast about the expensive places he took her. I was skint at the time. He then dumped her for good.

I had met someone around the same time, but she showed no interest until she was single. Then she gave me a speech about how nasty my boyfriend is. I am happy in my relationship, but my friend wants me to leave him. Because I won’t, she refuses to let me talk about him. I am considering ending my friendship with her.

Sadly I think that because her own relationship came to grief, she is jealous that you have a good one with your boyfriend. She is a friend with limitations: she’s selfish – when she was in a relationship she wasn’t interested in you; insensitive – crowing about his lavish entertainment when you were broke; jealous – because you have a good relationship and she doesn’t. Why not end it and look to other friends for close relationships?

MY GRADES ARE EVERYTHING

I’m an 18-year-old student in my first year of an English degree. I study hard, and came first in all my exams. I don’t want anyone to take this position and push me aside. Unfortunately, there’s a guy in my class who sometimes proves himself better than me. I feel like quitting, but without my studies, life is insignificant. What should I do?

I suspect the source of these feelings are deeply rooted in your childhood. Did you, for example, rush home from school to tell your parents that you got nine out of ten, only for them to reply: ‘Next time make it ten out of ten’? You felt a failure if someone got higher marks than you.

Perhaps your parents put such emphasis on education that it was the only way you felt accepted and valued. Instead, try to see that you are learning an important life lesson:. no one can always be the top of the class, or the most successful in their job. You must learn to value yourself in other ways, as well as academically. Please see the college counsellor for further help, or visit relate.org.uk.

Contact Zelda

If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk

Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

Relationship Clinic: Beware a messy divorce… it can cost you your children

Peter with his mother Vicky and, right, his estranged father Chris

It must seem to Chris Huhne’s son Peter, 20, that his world has fallen apart. His father leaving his adored mother, Vicky Pryce, for his PR adviser, Carina Trimingham, was hard enough. But Peter’s rage was further fuelled when he discovered that his father had, in order to avoid a driving ban, pressured his mother into taking his penalty points when he was caught speeding in 2003. In 2011, Vicky told a journalist and the couple were later charged with perverting the course of justice.

In texts shown in court, Peter’s anger over his father’s infidelity and his lies about the speeding offence is clear. In one, he branded his father ‘a pathetic loser and a joke’. Huhne’s repeated offers of love and support are refused and the relationship between father and son shatters.

Seeing their parents ‘at war’ can make children take sides

Vicky Pryce only revealed she had taken her husband’s points to exact revenge after he left her in 2010. While her anger may be understandable, parents must put their children’s needs first. Divorce is tough for children, even adult ones, and acrimony between a couple increases the damage.

Seeing their parents ‘at war’ can make children take sides. One young person told me: ‘My parents are too busy rubbishing each other to have time for me.’

I often hear from fathers (and sometimes mothers) whose sons and daughters want nothing to do with them because their ex-partner’s anger has turned the children against them. Children can end up doubting that parent’s love. However angry you feel with your ex, it’s important the children have a relationship with both of you.

In the short term, Vicky Pryce might feel justified in taking revenge. But when things calm down she may regret the damage to her son’s relationship with his father. Equally Chris Huhne, who has brought much of this upon himself, may wonder whether it was all worth it. I hope Huhne can apologise to his son and in time they can re-establish their bond.