Tag: obscure

Constant like a fucking childDriven underDriven to liveA mindless existenceShut the fuck upThen maybe, you’d be rightTape my mouth shutTorture me, make me feel somethingNothing different then the wayIt is supposed to beCut my limbs, nail them to a treeSame as it is supposed to beI wish you’d do onto meAs I wished for you

Looking to destroy more than myselfLine up, take you out one by oneI know it is what you always wantedI know you have always wanted to winJudge ourselves not by what we’ve doneBut what we wish to have been

Kill myself slowlyLife or what I’ve been toldI hold each word against meA lie I’ve been toldLoved you more than I’ve loved myselfLocked in a world, that I can not winI’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck meA worthless fuck I see myself inThe reflection that I seeDesiring action, desire to see myselfAlways been the assholeA sin I hide myself inTaking what I wantBelieving what I want to believeA whore I see myself inCult of personality, I could never winUnless you let meBeing drunk is a sinAn escape I find myself inFuck you, if you ever thought you could winA running thought inside my headMy thoughts run offDigging a ditch I call my graveA home I hold withinI’m so done, a struggle within, you win

Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time…

The days bleed togetherHow it is or how it always wasQuestions, answers, sin, justificationThe days bleed togetherHow it is or how I’ve always wanted it to beLiar, truth, asshole, cuntThe days seem meaninglessWhen you are aroundBleeding, blending, living, dyingThe days are all there seems to beThe days with only you and meThen there are the days in betweenHaunting nightmares, self destructionI’m not so depressed when you are aroundI’m not myself when we are apartThe words seem to mean more than how I feelHow it is or how it always wasQuestions, answers, sin, justification

Are you on the way to a funeral?I am the funeral

You’re A Star

Looking around I don’t see anything that I needThe need is a reason for the greedA spoken language of hate and fearSo much better than youA useless ideaFeeling around for the artOf how to live, how to dieSuch a useless thought left broken in timeDaring to be more than I’ve ever beenToo much work to not be meSinging death lullaby’s to pass the timeWish it weren’t true but all I know are liesGave you everything that I ownedBut you had to take moreThey say you needed my soulTold them I don’t care no moreA raven of broken thoughts I can’t put downHow it could feel to be like youWearing a skin of sinHeart pumping a mixture of deceit and painDrowning in this idea that I’m like youSuffocating under the weight

Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?…

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… wrong… I am… others are.., sometimes you have to look more than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gift… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free…

Believe me when I say you will fail… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those fucks unable to even try that you are right…. flap those wings and lets ride…

Please leave a comment if you can… or a review of any kind… I don’t care about the money… tell me I suck… I don’t care… I want to be better… seems pointless but every little bit helps… we are struggling… I just want to be better at the one thing I care about… in that.. I need your help… in this together…. Thank you… for all that you do…

Drinking so you’d understandDrunk because why the fuck notPounding away at nothing that makes senseNever said I wasn’t denseFuck the rhyme scheme if it doesn’t make sense

Going to hate everything in the morningThought of you excites meMeaning of life has always beenShitA shit box wrapped in shit paperFlush it down, puke away the painHate to tell you thisBut fuck all existenceFuck the words that leave youUselessWords to pass the timeKill anything just so you’d understandChoking down the parts of lifeThat make any senseIt might get dark from herePlease understand, this is only how it isSuck a dick to understandWorthless existence wrapped in a shit sandwichI’m more dead than you could imagineHollowed out

Who the fuck are you to sayWhen you’ve had enough anyway?

Suicidal with a fucking planChoking on your ridiculousnessDead to the worldUseless since this beginning

Would you still love me ifI killed all that you knewWould you still love me ifI was all that you’ve known?

A hero among the wolvesWorthless, go fuck yourselfIf you knew all along

Why does my head have to be so heavy?

A day without wordsA singular existence left spentWishingGoing crazy but I’ve been all alongListening to songsThinking I’m not the only oneWaiting for a sign, waiting for somethingTo tell me I’m done…

Got lost in a tangent… a fucking thought… yes this is dark… welcome to my soul… the core of what I believe… what I deny to myself daily… I’m not as worthless as I believe… I’m worth more than I’d like to admit… Don’t ask a question you are not willing to hear the answer to…. Life is not as pretty as you think…. smile this is what it is…

Another short post… still have a lot of thoughts running through my mind at the moment… about what I want to do… bare with me… and yes I am aware that this is a cop out… but I just watched the new trailer… well the only trailer at the moment for Captain Marvel… super hyped… so I thought I would share some movies that I am hyped about… pretty lame… not at all bloody… but if you want to imagine that I pulled these trailers from my own brain with a bloody knife… well who am I to stop you?…

Other movies I want to check out…

Bad Times at the El Royale

Hotel Artemis

ARIZONA

Seems like I am really into hotel movies as of late… haha… but they both look really good… In all fairness… I’d watch anything with The Dude in it… I could watch him read a boring book… it would be creepy as fuck… but I would do it…

Time ticks by without a name or faceWhat is it that I’m doing in this placeLost and dying, I have no time to restAll I want to do is lay downPretend that I’m deadPeace is a word with no meaningWho can go in such a fashion in theoryNever wanted to be here, never wanted to leaveNow the choice is up to meHope is something I once hadNow I have nothing never said I was gladA feeling I once hadThe world wants more than they let onTaking a piece every dayForgive me if I have nothing leftForgive me if I gave it all awayNever knew any betterThought this was what it was all aboutA truth I can not speakAn idea I believe but don’t liveA dream buried deep within meStraggling an ideaChoking at the thought of it allAnother drink and I will beTo far goneA place called homeA place I’ve long to becomeLost words in the idea of it allMeaning more than I’m willing to sayA thought stuck in my throatKnow that I gave it my allKnow that all of thisHas always been for you

Becoming immortal has its costsSome pay in love, most pay in bloodA cost no one wants to affordThough we can all pay outAn endless thought left out to rotLost diary no one cared to readThe times slip awayThe words get lostYet somehow, some way mean the sameSo many voice that don’t careSo many that doLost in the commotionThe idea drifts awayHanging in the airWaiting for their timeWaiting until the moment is right

Painting a pictureMeans so much to meAn image buried in my mindJust like the time I tried to dieA gallery with everythingI’ve been trying to sayLove was, never easy for meDeath makes senseWhen you think about itGiving up was all I ever neededWanted more but I never liedGave up the willGave in to all the things you feelEmotional despiseKiss your lipsCaress all that you areI watched you dieI watched as you gave me everythingSmiled at the thoughtSlaughtered all that you areChoking the thought you could have meantI thank youBecome you only to understandI was never anythingMiss your love like I miss the sunNot at allEach stroke more than a thoughtA line to keep moving onSing me a song Your voice so sweet Choking each note as thoughIt were my own

Tearing apart the worldEach word means something elseHush your voice as I decideWhat to do with youMy hands wrapped around your throatMy pain pushed through each finger tipHave I told you how much I love youEnjoying the silenceThe solace of your voiceA digging emotion that I’ve tried to hideFailure at its most definitive definitionI don’t hate you As much as I have always loved youHammer to a nail left outCatching my skin against the grainI’ve bleed for youWhat have you done for me?Sacrifice, never enoughI don’t want to own youAs much as you are mineBody soul, sacrifice moreGive me what I deserveA selfishness, a worthlessnessSuccumb to all that I’ve toldA fantasy running through my mindYou are mine, you are what I sayAs I do it, broken thoughts on nothing at allWorship God. worship me for what I amYou think you have a choiceThe choice was always mineKnow your place in my mindKnow that you’ve always been mine

Got a little dirty… swimming in the gutter… giving away more than I thought… pain succumbing to a though that doesn’t make any sense… No one told me to be quite… shut my mouth… and open my eyes… pissing on all that you know… a flood of crimson… a flood of the color yellow… makes no sense… but does the pain ever have to?… a feeling lost among the lost souls… I’d give you all that I know… an empty mind with only one thought on the mind… a broken vine… that reaches for more than a thought… digs at the soil… digs deep down in side… never satisfied… a thought that will only become… a way of life… swinging at the thought… coming up empty… am answer buried deep within… a life time to understand… a life time given only to become… dead… like the times… a history only meant to be repeated… smile because you’ve always known… you been doing it right…

So many thoughts coming across the screen… where to begin… when there is so much shit coming at me?… it’s like an endless fucking problem… that no one can figure out… I want to be here… but do I really?… do these things really matter when everything keeps moving?… God… I hope so… Lets start this train wreck of a post…

Rethinking Reason

They say we all have something to say
The lights come on and the words fall outNeedless to say my mind is blankMy lungs bleed to my own stupidityFrustrated by the every things that make me, meIf I could change one thingI couldn’t just pick oneSo, this exercise is stupidThinking about my problems is a waste of timeStop me if you heard but I don’t careThey say we all have something to sayWell fucking say it alreadyRethinking reason because what else was there to do todayWhen was I ever supposed to feel okayCould you spell out the reasonsThat I shouldn’t jab this fucking pen into my throatYour silence says more than I ever couldHappen to agreeHappen to want the same thingsFucked myself by ever saying anythingThey say we all have something to sayWho the fuck are they anyway?

If I Told You… Still Wouldn’t Believe Me… Truth…

Sucking on a tailpipeGetting that feeling back in my lungsYou wouldn’t knowFor a second Where I’m coming fromDriving the nail So deep within my brainI want to feel thisFuck you for trying to stop meCall yourself a friendA lover, a thingLet me do it thenCare so muchYour hugs only make me feelUgly, stupid, uselessThe pain was all I ever wantedYou think you’ve ever knownWhyHow many times can you save meFrom me?… How many times are you willing toDie?…I”ll take everything from youThe selfish fucking ass that I amSuck you fucking dryA word to the wiseI’d happily watch you dieYou’ve always wanted to knowWho I amNever shied away from what I’ve becomeEmbraced all the thoughts that make me wholeAlways said, always believedBut it has been you that has been living a lieNothing more than flowers Left at your grave
What you’ve always meant to me
Could you ever believe the truth?

This should go without saying… I’m fucking gone… every songs a reason to go on… rambling was all I was ever good at… a fucking pity party… your invited… but if you aren’t going to take a stab?… why the fuck would you ever show up?… If I Told You It Was So Easy To Lose My Mind…. would you ever believe me… built on the inception of a lie… built on everything that I despise… “Felt like destroying something beautiful”… stab myself in the face mentally… always nice to get away… regretting everything I’ve said… but who the fuck else would ever listen to me?… a psycho with nowhere else to go… a single trap… created by me… a grave I’ve dug myself… why the fuck most this ever go on?…

A silence comes over me… a moment to understand… I moment to realize… I was never good enough to be anything… never good enough to say anything… should have shut the fuck up and moved on… should have always been what I was meant to be… a useless fuck that no one ever gave a fuck about… a cog in the machine of life… keep grinding… only to realize… you’ve always been right… no one has ever had the balls to say you aren’t special… except my fate… drowning on dreams… that I could never realize… dragging my ass through the flames… if you think it matters… tell me what you think… I can accept the hate… but this fucking pain?… this fucking need to please everyone around me?… I am everything that I have ever needed… I am everything that I’ve always hated… Breathe in the fucking words… and accept that this is it… that this has always been me…

Just so you know… This was all worth living… this has all been worth it…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus.

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic…

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty. “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn… as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it… so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story…

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there…

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken… also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?…

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters…

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm… how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy…

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes…

Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…