Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)~~~~~~~~~~~~

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.

Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."

He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"

He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary." ~~~~~~~~~

Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?~~~~~~~~~~~~

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."~~~~~~~~

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Woke up at the 'regular' time. Forced myself to wait the extra hour. Can't reprogram the Outdoorsies too fast to adjust to an earlier feeding time. However, not only were the cats up and waiting, but the Peacock was on my roof. Darn darn. She was pecking at my passion fruit vine and then walked all over the place scaring the cats. AND she is now 'roosting' between my car and the fence right in front of my back gate (the one I use all the time) and leaving huge poop piles. I'm really thinking a call to animal control is in order. Love the huge bird, took some pics, but I see she's going to be messing up my yard AND she was pecking away at some wiring that goes between my solar security light and the roof collector. Not good! If I knew where she actually belonged, I'd go chat with them. Ugh. Scary too now that I know if threatened, she could slice open an animal or human with those huge talons. Sigh. Dunno what to do yet. Will hope she flies away and stays away. Tried the 'hose squirt', very gently getting her wet and she just moved about a foot and stared at me. Guess she knows that trick.

Man, I didn't fall asleep until after 6 this morning. I hate hate hate nights like that So of course, I didn't wake up til 11. Then got short stopped by the kitchen as usual. Dishes are running and jerky is drying. Dogs are fed and water refilled. Boys are lunched and changed to go back to mom. Son was up with them this morning and went to lay down when we got up. Hubby will pick up a thermometer after he drops the boys. Hopefully, son will go to the doc if he has a temperature as he never runs one. He says it feels like his brain is trying to melt out of his head.

Hi ya Matt, nice to meet ya!

Space, have a wonderful day.

Ana, hope you have a wonderful day. Exercise for me please.

Haroula, is it warm enough for the beach?

Venus, happy whooshing, though you may be home by now.

Gerry, I'm draining the coffee. Thanks.

Gail, have a great afternoon.

Manx, I'm doing my best to relax. Hope your day is wonderful.

Darlene, what's up after church?

Nan, what are you doing today?

Sorta, you must have a "all animals buffet" sign up.

_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

Boy, L4L, I can relate. I am sure sorry about Jer. Prayers and thoughts he gets better quickly. Ana, I'm sorry about the loss of friend's hubby so suddenly. Prayers and good thoughts going her way.Weather here in low 80s F. Everyone come visit me and help me unpack my house so I can find things. This is the worst part of moving. Getting new floors and a little remodeling really adds to the mess. I'm adding 2 sliding glass doors where there were windows before. Very tired and not sleeping well yet. Phone and internet working well now.Spring is coming to you soon, I'm sure. Then I'll be moaning about being over 100F.

Andrea

PS: Sorta, I grew up in Arcadia, CA by the Santa Anita racetrack and the Los Angeles Co. Arboretum where they have many, many peacocks. They would migrate up to our pasture and roost in the live oaks on our property. They were the best watchdogs we ever had. The minute anyone drove into the driveway down to the house, They would set up such a racket it would wake the dead. I never noticed much poop, though, and they caused us no problem at all.

Ah Andrea, good to know. This little gal peacock seems to have taken a 'liking' to my oldest and frail Outdoorsie cat. She follows her, sits and stares and tried to get at her if she's outside the fence. Of course little miss peacock can fly over the fence onto the deck (which is sanctuary for all cats) and get her. I'm just afraid she will hurt poor old Spot. I'm watching carefully. Peacock has decided to camp outside the gate to the deck and just stare in. Really weird. Pretty bird. Awesome to see. Hope it won't hurt the kitties.