Feeling your thirties

For those in their thirties, do you ever feel it, feel like time is running out, that you haven't accomplished all you want, etc? Yesterday, a coworker brought in their new baby. The baby is sooo cute, only three months old, with a nice head of red hair. The coworker is in her thirties and this is her first child.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a kid. I've always been on the fencepost about having kids, mainly because I'm not sure I have the means to give it a good life (although my mom has come to the point that she wants grandkids SOON and she has said that if either my brother or I have one, she would care for him/her and stuff like that, like spoil the child and she has the money to do it). My mom is pressuring my brother to get married ASAP. She brought that up to my brother, in front of my brother's gf, at dinner on Father's Day. I found that kind of distasteful.

For those in their thirties and without a SO, do you guys ever get the twinges of wanting kids and worried that time is running out to have one.

And no, I am not rushing out to find a bf to procreate. Lately, I haven't really been looking for a bf either. I do find it nice to talk to guys. I know I am attractive in my own way (even though I'm not that thin), and guys do chat me up. Seen that at my pottery class.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a single mother in their thirties and have a child then.

For those in their thirties, do you ever feel it, feel like time is running out, that you haven't accomplished all you want, etc?

I'm 29 and still 7 months to go for the big thirty so you can just disregard my post . The thing is - I accomplished everything I wanted financially and career wise. I am where I always wanted to be and have what I always wanted to have.

Personally, I traveled the world, seen a lot of cultures etc etc....most likely all I wanted except the biggest one - having my own family. In that matter I'm nothing but a big failure and yes, I do feel that time is running out. Now probably people will say - "you're only xy years old", but where I live most people do get married and have kids in their twenties. Another important thing is that I don't want to be called "grandpa" when walking around with my 3 months old kid when I'll be 50. I screwed up big time but still fighting.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a single mother in their thirties and have a child then.

I think that is very selfish thing to do - why would you intentionally make a kid have just half of the family? Father figure is VERY important while growing up.

Allie, I'm glad you understand. With me, it hasn't really been people saying things to me about it, with the exception of my mother, it's more of me wondering if maybe I should have kids soon if I ever want to have them.

I like kids, I really do. I just haven't really thought much about having them, until recently when I realized that I am 35 and pretty soon, my childbearing years will be over. It's a sudden realization that "hey, I'm getting older and where is my life going". And it really doesn't help that my mom puts the pressure on my brother to have kids and she kinda looks at me as the "lost cause", although she has recently said that if I ever had a kid outside of marriage, it's not a bad thing and she would take care of him/her and support the kid for me. I love my mom but having my mom help me raise a kid, makes me cringe. I don't agree with her way of raising kids.

Pegasus, I just mentioned about having kids as a single mom, as an afterthought. I agree with you, kids need two parents in the family, to help them grow normally. I wouldn't want to have kids for the sake of having one, esp if there was no dad around.

I think my biggest fear around having kids is that I would not raise them adequately and be a good role model for them. And it is very costly to have kids these days.

I wish i was happier in my professional life, but everyone grows at their own pace. I see women in their 40's starting families, starting new careers, heading back to school, etc,,,,

I think the only time i feel like life is rushing by is when i'm stagnant and procrastinating, which is one of my issues.

I'm raising my 9 yr old virtually on my own. It has its pros and cons, the grass is always greener syndrome.

You still have lots of time. Don't feel a rush of urgency that may just be a false alarm. Everyone has their own time frame. Being a late bloomer can make you a much more calm, relaxed and laid back mommy IF this is what you choose to do down the road.

Well I'm not in my 30's yet, but in my head I often panic and round myself up

I've started to get some pressure from my parents a little bit already. Mostly they do it in a joking fashion, but you know what they say about there being some truth behind every joke...

They are both retired now, and my mom's sisters have started having grandbabies...

I know I have time, but yeah... I still panic sometimes, and I'm not sure why. I think mostly because I don't have a plan right now.... no solid SO, dunno where I'll be living 5 years from now... .might be wanting to go back to school. The thought of putting a baby into all of that would just solidify things much more... yet, on some levels it feels like a MUST-DO.

Ren, I don't think there is anything wrong with deciding to be a single mother if you really want a child... especially since your mom sounds like she wants to love and spoil a grandkid (lucky kid!). But what stops you from going out with someone from your class? Do you think you'd prefer to go it alone? (Not that dating would lead to baby-making right away haha.... but you know what I mean )

My mind is in the gutter - I missed the h and the r in the last word of your subject heading. Whew. Yes, I'm female, about your age.

I've resigned the idea of having a bio kid. One, I've old sports injuries, so that pregnancy even in my 20s would have meant bedrest starting in the 4th month. Also, I have thorough long-term experience with infant and toddler care (young sibs + a mother who didn't see the dirty work as her job) so "sooooo cute" pales under images of towering dirty diapers.

If I manage to convince myself I have the right to a decent life, it will take me until 40+ to build the kind of solid existence I'd need to feel secure enough to adopt. So I'm thinking, if I'm there at 42, and China hasn't resolved the baby-girl issues, I'll adopt then. [NB: one aspect of "solid existence" is a social setting in which the child would have steady male role models. Nothing's perfect; most women who end up as single mothers went into motherhood fully expecting the male parent to remain actively involved. A young woman I used to babysit married young and had two kids, and her husband was a great dad, until a work-related head injury changed everything and he ended up taking his life. She did everything "right" and is still having to figure out the male side of the childrearing puzzle.]

It probably takes pressure off of me that I was married to someone who seemed like enough of a prize to many outsiders that I don't get any prods to prove anything. Most people in my family etc. presume I won't ever have kids. Escaping the marriage situation was made a lot more difficult by outside pressure, but now I just want to concentrate on rebuilding my sense of self, emotions; or rather looking at how to do work I'd delayed by marrying the guy in the first place.

Sorry, this isn't helping, is it! Too much "I'm diff becaus blah blah" not enough identification ... I totally feel like I haven't even begun to accomplish what I "could have" done. More from my own fear of being happy and successful though than of time passing me by.

When I turned 35, I did start to panic about having children as well. But it never happened for me.

I also got that pressure from my family as well. In fact, on my 35th birthday my dad said "Well, if you're gonna have children, you better really start thinking about it now." And I remember that kind of stung.

But, looking back now, it didn't happen for me. For whatever reason, I just don't know. I am still young enough that I could have a child, but, like you I am not married.

I applaud single mothers everywhere. I just don't want to be one at this point in my life.

If it doesn't happen for you in your 30's, and with the right man, later in life there is always adoption.

Just a thought Ren.

~Allie

Last edited by CallingAllAngels; 06-21-2008 at 11:40 AM.
Reason: clarification

Pegasus, I just mentioned about having kids as a single mom, as an afterthought. I agree with you, kids need two parents in the family, to help them grow normally. I wouldn't want to have kids for the sake of having one, esp if there was no dad around.

Ren, it wasn't meant as personal attack of any kind (specially now that you explained in a few more words) - it's just that I personally think that being single parent by choice (e.g. not able to find a suitable SO) is not because of the baby, it's about that person's selfishness. On another hand, I do respect single parents who lost their SO (after child was born) and are making big efforts to raise a child on their own. Kudos to them .

Allie I like your use of the word "adopt" because of course that is also an option for the OP!

Strangely, I felt far more in a rush in my teens/early 20s, in part because I had a mild eating disorder which caused my period to stop for a few years (sorry if TMI but believe me, that'll scare you if you do want kids!). But also I felt so much pressure to keep up with the JonesBabyMakers. I even got engaged at 23, so i could start having kids at 24, to Mr. Right Now (also fueled by my older sister having her first child at age 26).

Then, it wasn't that I gave up, but after much angst and soul searching in my 30s, including deciding not to be a single mother by choice (based on my personal morals, values and ethics, since practically/financially I "could" do it), I really calmed down, much like Allie has. Yes, I do sometimes have twinges of regret when I see my friends with kids who range in age from 6 months to 12 years (yes, several of my friends had their first children at 39-41). What I do avoid is the negatives as in "oh what a relief I don't have kids, they're such a pain" because for me that would be denial and cold comfort.

Although I don't focus on the negatives, I do have a much clearer perspective on parenting and child rearing than I did at age 23, and even at age 35. I am turning 42 and while I realize fertility declines, I am not giving up on the idea of having my own child/children (especially given my friends who did so naturally as well as my doctor's encouragement), and I most certainly would consider adoption.

Ren, I would ignore the parents' insensitivities and presumption that you want to have a child that would be raised and supported by them. Recognize that this is about her selfish desire to be a grandmother far more than a desire to act in your best interests or in the best interests of a child you might have. That she wants to "spoil" a child of yours shows just how far off the mark she is on what is in the best interests of a child's development.

I have a friend who is a single mother by choice of two children, same anonymous sperm donor. She works full time and bemoans her difficulty in having time to date or finding men to date. Since it was her choice I don't feel much sympathy (she gave up looking for a man at around age 36).

At her son's first birthday, she met my bf for the first time. She said in front of him, to me "don't you feel left out without a baby." I share this because I stifled my temptation to say "no, don't you feel left out without a man" which would be mean and anyway, not how I felt or "I just found out that I can't have children" (also not true).

I share this example in part to vent (thanks for the indulgence) and in part to show that those who have children in their 30s out of a sense of time running out obviously are not always comfortable with their choices (this is the place from which I think her rude comment came).

I think you will also see certain friends "suddenly" meeting "the one" "in the nick of time" and "falling in love" and getting married in under a year. Some will truly be in love - I suppose at our age range it's easier to know faster what you want but my suspicion is that a nice percentage of those rush to the altar, rush to get pregnant have more to do with fear of ticking clocks than love.

I guess that focuses too much on the negative which I promised not to do! Or maybe it provides a more balanced perspective.

From the positive side I think it is admirable that you are giving this honest thought and not buying into the "ok time to have a baby" without listening to what you really want and need.

Oh and by the way one of my colleagues is 66 with an adopted 5 year old. He does get mistaken for her grandfather. Big deal.