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Thursday, 26 June 2014

Evidence that being in one's fifties gives rise to a range of anxieties

I have some questions about ageing.

1. If my lips get thinner as I age, and I started with thinnish lips in the first place, will they eventually disappear into my face so that people will stare at me and say, 'What a funny place to have a wrinkle!'?

2. If it's true that ears are the one thing that get bigger as you age, whereas everything else shrinks and shrivels, am I likely to be mistaken for a baby elephant while out shopping?

3. If there comes a day when I start to cut my toenails but then can't make my way back up, is there a way to eat and drink upside down?

4. If things are preserved by putting them in the fridge, would doing an hour's stint in there once a day keep me from ageing, if I could make enough space on the meat shelf?

5. If my sight is likely to get worse, is it worth having a regular place to put my spectacles at night, so that the day I wake up not being able to see them, I'll definitely know where they are?

6. If it's true that every woman who ages loses their eyesight and grows chin hairs simultaneously and therefore won't be able to see to pluck them out, is that not proof that the world is not a just one?

7. If people who are at least forty let me on the bus before them, even though they were first in the queue, am I allowed to slap them?

8. If I end up with dentures, would eating a toffee be an acceptable way to get myself out of a conversation with a bore?

9. If I did slap the person at the bus stop, and ended up in prison, would I get a concession for my age and be allowed to sleep on the bottom bunk?

10. If someone from the 'Help the Aged' charity knocks at my door, is it acceptable to say, 'I'll just take the money right now, thanks, in cash.'?

11. If memory problems result in arriving at parties slightly under-dressed, will people pretend not to notice?

25 comments:

My sight has been very bad since I was a young child. No one seemed to see that I couldn't see until the school nurse gave us eye tests. All the other kids chided me: You did really bad. Long ago, I reached the point of not being able to find my glasses if I took them off and set them down at random. I have two designated eyeglasses spots. One is the case next to my bed because God forbid that I should wake up and not be able to see enough to know I'm in my own bed. The other spot is the counter next to the bathroom sink, while I'm brushing my teeth, showering, and putting on make-up (yes, I know it's ridiculous that a woman who is legally blind wears make-up, but I get a lot of comments about what a make-up trendsetter I am). So, yeah, you should find a special spectacles spot now. I can't answer the rest of your questions, but I have noticed that people with skinny lips tend to get a lot of wrinkles around their mouths, which makes them look even more constipated. I have plump lips, and I didn't even have an injection of whatever it is that people have to make their lips big. No one ever asks me if I'm constipated.

Aw , bless ! You're still young enough to think that having a regular place to leave your specs will help you find them .As for the whiskers ? Wearing a scarf at all times will hide both droopy neck and whiskers very effectively . Just make sure to choose a light chiffon one or you'll look like Noel Coward , over breakfast .

1. yes2. no, that's for men3. yes, suck everything through a straw4. no, try the freezer5. yes! Do it now so it becomes a habit.6. not sure. I can still see my chin hairs. If I have my glasses on and the light is right.7. no, say thank you and remember by getting on the bus first you have a greater chance of getting a seat8. probably9. no, no, no. Always sleep on the top bunk in case the other 'tenant" is a bed wetter10. yes, but don't be surprised if they refuse11. no, but you can always say you thought it was fancy dress

About Me

I'm a writer and English teacher based in Warwickshire.

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