Friday, November 11, 2016

Special to TPN
– A former advisor to President-elect Donald Trump has revealed that the
real-estate magnate’s properties have suffered in the aftermath of his
presidential campaign. The advisor, Punksky Borinskovich, once Russian
President Vladimir Putin’s right-hand man, quit the Trump team after Trump
failed to pay the $300,000 owed him for services rendered. Borinskovich revealed
his frustration in a televised interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Madow: “Who does
he think I am? One of his illegals on a job site? I, Punksky Borinskovich [see photo], the
best computer hacker in the world! Just ask Putin.”

Trump
sidekick, and likely Attorney General Rudy Giuliani, quipped that once Trump is sworn in as President, “He’ll be immune from all lawsuits and monetary
claims, since I’ll be the new Attorney General. Look at what the current guy
did, covering up the fact that Obama was born in Nigeria, or wherever. Real
Americans look like me – white and with an all-American name.

Giuliani – is
there anything more American than that?”

Trump’s sons
have a plan in place to boost occupancy in their hotels. Hostesses will be
installed in all rooms when requested by an occupant at a small upcharge of
$300 to $1,000 per night. Donald Trump, Jr. said, “Hey, my dad had no problem
with having a hostess greet him in his penthouse. Hell, he even married a few
of them.”

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Special to
TPN – Cheetos’ parent company, Frito-Lay, announced that it will be a primary
sponsor of President-elect Trump’s TV station, CRUD (Conservative Republicans
Under Donald). “It’s a natural fit,” said Vivek Sankaran, COO of
Frito-Lay North America. “Trump has been a life-long consumer of Cheetos, as
evidenced by his complexion. We believe that tanning creams could become
obsolete now that the ‘Cheetos-effect’ on skin tone was determined by
researchers at the FDA and verified by the President-elect. Who needs tanning
creams or the sun’s rays when you can toss a bag of Cheetos down your gullet
every day?”

Shortly
after Sankaran’s announcement, Frito-Lay stock rose 16 percent in overnight
trading. Wall Street feels that a significant share of the 59 million Trump
voters will sign onto the Cheetos bag-a-day habit, even those on
salt-restricted diets. Warren Teddumb, a Frito-Lay delivery man from Grand
Rapids, Michigan, told our reporter that his truck was broken into and all the
Cheetos taken: “Now that the Trump rallies are over, millions of people have
nothing to do, and they’re broke after giving all their money to the Trump
campaign. I guess they’re just desperate to get the Trump facial look.”

Trump
spokesman and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “This is only the
beginning. We are in negotiations with the Orange GLO furniture polish people
and the Florida Citrus Council. Orange is the new black! To show our commitment
to these sponsors, all Trump signage and logos will be changed from gold to
orange.”

In other
news, another 43,000 Hillary Clinton emails have been released by WikiLeaks. This
brings the 8-year daily rolling average of emails sent by her to 648 per day, a
new Guinness record.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

I apologize
to the world of inflated self-esteem, but I have no intention of buying a
selfie-stick. It’s not that I’m not the most important person in the world--I am.
But to bolster my newly found self-veneration, I decided to take lessons from
Donald Trump who recently revised the words to the Chorale of Beethoven’s Ninth
Symphony, to wit:

Me, o wondrous spark divine,

Offspring of Perfection,

Drunk with power, I am become

Heavenly me, a godly shrine.

My magic powers sow discord;

My pomposity purposely divides:

Conflict separates man from love,

And off-the-cuff expletives fool the
hoard.

Etc.

I hope I’ve
not offended anyone by poking fun at both Trump and selfie-sticks in the same
breath. Just don’t poke my eye out with the damn thing--the stick, that is.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

February 6, 2016 — Inspired by
citizens in the UK in their attempt to ban Donald Trump from their country, Vero
Beach widower Arnie Tinskin decided to ban Trump from his property. “I ain’t
takin’ no chances,” said Tinskin, “He reminds me a’ that used-car salesman what
sold me that Nash Rambler back in ‘55—same hair.”

When asked what he would do if
Trump knocked on his front door, Tinskin said he’d sic his Jack Russell terrier
on him. “I got Ripper pretty well trained. I printed out a bunch of Trump’s
picture and smeared them all with rabbit scat. One look and that dog rips ‘em
to shreds, just like he done to the UPS guy’s pant-leg awhile back.”

In a televised interview, MSNBC’s
Rachel Maddow wondered if his neighbors were receptive to Tinskin’s ban. “I’ve
had threats from folks here in Verde de las Palmeras, and Gert next door no longer brings me a casserole on
Friday nights. But that’s OK. I’ve had better mac-n-cheese outa the box.”

A number of reporters wondered who Tinskin
would vote for in November. “I’ll vote for the one what promises free Viagra
for seniors,” he replied. “Since Gert cut me off, I’ve had my eye on that
divorcee ‘round the corner. She looks like a liberal in more ways than one.”

Tinskin hopes to make some money by
selling “Ban-the-Donald” t-shirts and baseball caps, which will be available at
his website, www.banthedonald.net. And Tinskin is already at work on his next
crusade, which is tentatively named, “Ban-the-Snowbirds.”