Personally, I’ve decided I won’t be reading Dr. Banks’ book. I’ve also been trying to avoid reading articles related to it. Why am I treating his book like Kryptonite? After all, I am a 38-year-old single, professional black woman — presumably smack dab in the heart of his target audience. Why wouldn’t I want to read a book about how miserable my life is?

What?Do I sound bitter? Well, I’m really not. I will admit, however, that I am annoyed. But I was annoyed way before Dr. Banks became the latest purveyor of solutions for the single black female.

In December 2009, ABC’s Nightline came to Atlanta, where I live, to interview several single professional black women and ask them why, in spite of their beauty, great personalities, and accomplishments, they just couldn’t find a good man. Cue Beyoncé’s infectious “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” in the background. Comedian Steve Harvey was to the go-to expert for the segment and demonstrated with his streetwise insight why single black women made his first book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, a New York Times bestseller. The segment “went viral,” facilitating the need for Nightline to follow up in April 2010 with a full-fledged and star-powered forum called “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” It also was held here in Atlanta. A few months later, dating expert, Deborrah Cooper, through her Surviving Dating website, blamed the black church for keeping black women single and lonely. And in May of this year, VH1 debuted its first scripted show, Single Ladies, which is about an interracial group of single women based in … yep, none other than Atlanta. So excuse me while I get from under society’s microscope …

All that being said, what do I actually think of Dr. Banks’ book? First of all, for those who may not have yet to hear about the book, Banks ponders why “nearly 70 percent of black women are unmarried” no matter their socioeconomic status and offers solutions based on about 100 interviews with African Americans. In a Wall Street Journal article adapted from his book, Banks wrote, “I came away convinced of two facts: Black women confront the worst relationship market of any group because of economic and cultural forces that are not of their own making; and they have needlessly worsened their situation by limiting themselves to black men. I also arrived at a startling conclusion: Black women can best promote black marriage by opening themselves to relationships with men of other races.”

In his article, Banks cited the high incarceration of black men as one source of the problem. “More than two million men are now imprisoned in the U.S., and roughly 40 percent of them are African American. At any given time, more than 10 percent of black men in their 20s or 30s — prime marrying ages — are in jail or prison.” Banks also pointed to the inequity of education between some black women and black men as another root of the problem. “There are roughly 1.4 million black women now in college, compared to just 900,000 black men.”

As a result, according to Banks, many black women have opted to “marry down” (i.e. marrying “blue collar” black men) instead of “out” (i.e. professional white men). This, he asserts, may contribute to the alarmingly high divorce rate, as these “white collar” black wives are often incompatible with their “blue collar” black husbands. “Even as divorce rates have declined for most groups during the past few decades, more than half of black marriages dissolve.”

His solution, according to the article: “By opening themselves to relationships with men of other races, black women would … lessen the power disparity that depresses the African American marriage rate. As more black women expanded their options, black women as a group would have more leverage with black men. Even black women who remained unwilling to love across the color line would benefit from other black women’s willingness to do so.”

But back to what I actually think of Banks’ book. First, in all fairness to Dr. Banks, anyone who wants the full picture of what he’s arguing should read the book for herself. I’m sticking with my decision not to read it. I’m simply weary of sifting through this type of information and being assailed by the grim reminder that my chances of finding an eligible black man who meets my standards are severely limited.

Based on my experiences and the experiences of my friends, I think black women should expand their options. But that doesn’t mean they have to give up on being with a black man — educated or otherwise. I have friends who have married black men with a college degree, black men without a college degree, and white men. And I am happy to report all the friends that I’m speaking of are still married. So I believe marriage is for all people, not just white people. But I suspect Dr. Banks knows that already and is simply trying to grab our attention with his provocative title. (Note to Dr. Banks: From one writer to another, you hit it out the park with that title, sir. Cha-ching!)

As for me, my approach to dealing with this “where are all the good men?” dilemma, as well as other quandaries I find myself in, is to trust God and allow Him to speak through the challenges He allows in my life. I thoroughly believe what one of my favorite authors, Zora Neale Hurston, said in her book Their Eyes Were Watching God: “Two things everybody’s got tuh do fuh theyselves. They got tuh go tuh God, and they got tuh find out about livin’ fuh theyselves.”

12 Comments

Great article. I feel like this topic has been beat like a drum and I could tell by the title that this book was all about making cold hard cash a mile away. You also spoke to something else that I’ve believed for a while and that is that Christian woman shouldn’t be buying into this hype anyway. What’s for you in not determined by ABC or Prof. Banks but by God. Great article.

Good article. I keep hearing about this dilemma and I do believe the commentators on this topic may be ignoring a larger problem in our country: marriage is on the decline in all groups except for immigrants. Some groups are worse off than others but all in all, everyone is experiencing it except the newly arrived. Immigrant groups tend to have more cohesive communities and tend to be more conservative (atleast in the beginning). This is one way that they protect themselves as they try to advance in American society. Also external forces such as social and professional mobility and longer work hours contribute to this issue as well. FYI.

I know! I have read several articles about women of various faces having difficulty finding a suitable mate…but for whatever reason, black women seem to be the easiest target…

Melanie
on September 28, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Yes, this is a problem for all races, but black women are the least likely to get married, the most likely to have out of wedlock children, and (for those who do marry) are the oldest brides (jeopardizing our fertility). So, I understand why there is particular focus on black women when discussing this subject. I do think that all people (black women included) should seek out good quality mates by focussing on personalities and character traits FIRST, and all other things a distant second. This would go a long way toward finding men who are marriage material (men who are responsible, committed, and mature) instead of wasting time chasing the few tall, dark, and handsome men who can impress all our friends but who are also “playing the field” and stringing you along.

Edward Sutton
on September 28, 2011 at 9:24 pm

I definitely understand your take on this and agree with it. But I think one thing is being left out. Not only is this issue about black women and their ability to find a suitable mate, but it’s also about the spiritual state of black males as a whole. This saddens me!

Chandra
on September 29, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You know, it seems to me that if the statistic is correct that once we get married, we’re still breaking up more than half the time, the true problem is really not about getting married. It might be more about who we are as individuals, which becomes highlighted in stark relief once we try to bind our lives to another person. Maybe we should fan away the smoke screen and take a cold, hard look at the fire raging behind it.

Monet Rogers
on October 8, 2011 at 11:14 am

This is a very opinionated article from a woman who straight out says she is not going to read the book. Yes, you DO sound bitter. The cold hard facts are that marriage and out of wedlock children are a problem for ALL Americans, but there is a wide disparity in the black community. Until we as a people address this issue and stop closing our eyes and thinking “God” is going to magically fix things, I doubt anything will ever change. With that being said, I am all for dating any man, regardless of color, if he treats me well. It is always good to broaden your horizons and give yourself more options.

Hi Monet, I’m not bitter…I am annoyed….I will not read this book because I have already read so many books that deal with relationships at this point, but I’m not saying that other women and people in general shouldn’t read his book…This book may be just the book for some woman to take a different approach to dating…And as I said in my post, all women, black, white or any other race should be open to what God has for them which may or may not be a man of the same race…And yes, I am very opinionated 🙂

Eugenia
on November 13, 2011 at 2:04 am

I’m also curious as to why someone would have such a strong opinion for something they have not read. I can’t form an opinion on something as deep as this without first reading. And really the hype about this portion is just that, hype, this covers one chapter in the book and if you’d read it like I have you’d know that and know that the book discusses way more than this. I also think that many Christian women are using the ‘God will bring me a mate excuse’ as a reason to not actually get out and meet potential mates out of laziness or fear. I’m a Christian woman, God sent me someone, I didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I had to get out there and actually date for God to pinpoint him. He’s also a white man and I’m so thankful to God that he blessed me. Most Christians should know in some instances, God has a job but so do you. You need to ask Him what it is and do it.

Ernestine
on October 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

God works through people and works through all levels. I am glad Mr. Banks wrote the book. Sometimes people want more information on what they are experiencing and also want to understand others better. I also do not mind him focusing on African Americans. It is getting so bad that people are afraid to say African American. We have a unique culture as other people do and have the right to explore our lives as such. How does being African American impact and reflect my personal life, my family and community? I want to know these things and prefer to hear from African Americans who may have a simiiar experience. God works through the minds and hearts and gave this man an insight and a way of viewing our lives. I also appreciate Ms. Holness’ comments. It makes you think. By the way, if we don’t say ‘African American’ more often, we will be written out of history. For example, media used to say, Colored People’s Blues, or Negro Blues, or African American Blues; a music we paid for dearly to cultivate. Now they refer to it as roots music or heartland music. In fifty years, children born today, won’t even know that the Blues originated with African Americans as a result of slavery, racism and discrimination. So be careful. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge African American. We are a unique people with our own culture and identify. We are great and we have our flaws and concerns, as all people do. We do need to study ourselves in order to help ourselves. I thank both of you.