I really enjoy going to our studio and sitting chatting with the other Moms. This is our 4th year at the studio, so I have been through a few recitals/holiday shows, and I know the basic ins and outs of how our studio works. I'm there a decent amount with both my girls dancing there, so I guess I'm pretty recognizable. The other Moms tend to ask me questions, and I'm happy to help if I know the answer.

A Mom from DD's school is in a particular ballet class, my DD is not. She was asking me about what music they were dancing to at the holiday show, I honestly had no idea, and told her as much. I didn't even think they were in the show, as I thought it was just a technique class. Tonight I was sitting in the lobby with another Mom, and the SO came out. I got her attention, and asked her if that class was a technique only class, or a recital class. She kind of snaps at me "Why do you want to know?" Umm...what? My DD is not in the class and I was curious. She didn't let up, so I told her that someone had asked me about their music, and I didn't know. She got very defensive and told me that I need to have the Mom ask her. I can't remember her exact wording, but she had a very snarky remark about how people come to me with their questions.

This is not the 1st time she has snapped at me. DD's duo partner's Mom and I spoke to her about when our girls were going to start choreography. And it turned into her chewing us out about how I apparently make other people feel concerned by my voicing my opinions.

Both the duo partner's Mom and the Mom from tonight were like what the heck just happened? She was such a b---- to you.

Well, gosh...I'm friendly and approachable. I don't bite people's heads off when they ask me questions. I don't make them feel uncomfortable when they approach me. It's like she is truly offended that I am friendly.

I'm not a confrontational person. I am not sure what to say to her. It seems like she resents the fact that people come to me with questions, not her. What am I supposed to do? Not talk to anyone? Ignore them if they ask me something?How would you go about dealing with this situation?

Her perception of you has been formed by something specific. I'd have a talk with her and let her know you aren't trying to interfere, and you just want to do the right thing. Maybe even ask her directly what happened that gave her reason to be snippy with you. It sounds like the entire situation can be resolved with some open and calm dialogue.

Our SO at our main can be snippy like that too. We’ve been there for 11 years, I’m just used to it. One of her favorite things to get mad about are questions when “it was in the newsletter!”

I just try to not talk to her about anything I’m not directly related to or say anything to anyone that I don’t know the exact answer to.

People come to me with questions all the time too, because I’ve been around so long. Questions about the studio I can normally answer without problems, when people get into technique stuff or ballet...it’s a very delicate balance and I have to be careful how I say things...because my oldest DD15 has left the studio for better ballet training across town.

OH my goodness, 5,6,7,8 are we talking about the same person? Clearly not, but the newsletter comment is identical !

I'd say this. Your SO appears to have an issue with you answering questions. You are a naturally inclined to help kind of person. If you continue to answer questions you will continue to piss her off. Not saying she's right to be this way. It just is what it is and it's her studio and you're just dancing in it (and paying for that right, but it is what it is).

When people choose to make an issue of stuff like this *SO not you* it's a reflection on them.

In my experience you're not going to accomplish a damn thing trying to have open dialogue with her. You are going to escalate the pissing contest she started.

You have three options. Continue doing what you're doing and expect these sorts of confrontations. If you're thick skinned that may work for you. No. 2 Continue what you're doing but be a little (or a lot) more discreet. Don't ask her directly anything. Encourage those parents to ask her and not you. Get comfortable saying, "that's a good question. I don't know. Why don't you ask SO?" Respect her boundaries and put your energy into other social aspects. Not everyone wants your help (even if they clearly need it, difference between want and need). No. 3. if you can't pick an option that works for you from one or two, make a policy to not discuss anything studio related with other moms, reference the fact that it's created tension for you in the past and let those moms fight their own battles.

We've had some similar things going on in the past. All questions about levels/classes/dances/performances, etc. are directed to SO, and I will not answer anymore. I had one mom who would text me every registration period to inquire where I was putting DD. I have had moms text me about comp hair changes (which ends up SO didn't approve). So, I have learned my lesson...information directly from the SO only for all of us. When I get asked now, I simply tell them they should check with SO.

I will agree that I think confronting the SO will just end badly. I know you are trying to help but it is her business and if parents have questions related to the studio and their child they should discuss it with the SO. I was always the go to person especially for new parents and some questions about basic things like how many comps we attended, did we go out of town, etc. I would answer but when they got into specifics about classes or their child I told them "speak to the SO".

Originally Posted by MNDanceDadSheesh...you guys really don't like my answers much. I guess my experience to this point is just completely different.

Your answer actually really resonated with what I’ve seen time and time again. What one dance mom feels is being helpful or friendly can actually be perceived as nosy or being a busy body or know-it-all. Even if the information given is correct, moms who are constantly in the lobby hours and hours every week all up in everyone’s business can come across in ways they never intended. I would actually combine advice here: cut off the advice giving entirely but ALSO request a time to chat with the SO. Give her a chance to vent and acknowledge your part even if inadvertent.

MNDanceDad, you have a younger dancer who has been at a small, non-competition studio with a single owner/teacher. It is likely that your experience is different from the average dance parent on this board. Also, parenting a male dancer is a different experience than parenting female dancers in several ways.

For what its worth, I am one of the people who was taken aback by your response on a different thread that seemed to dismiss the experience of other parents with an offhand "Spoken like a bunch of dance moms." I'm wondering what your goal is here.

Originally Posted by MNDanceDadHer perception of you has been formed by something specific. I'd have a talk with her and let her know you aren't trying to interfere, and you just want to do the right thing. Maybe even ask her directly what happened that gave her reason to be snippy with you. It sounds like the entire situation can be resolved with some open and calm dialogue.

Food for thought for ALL of us... SO’s and teachers also respond and view Dad vs Mom involvement/opinions differently. I’ve seen it directly myself and with our own family. Depending on which one of us is saying the same thing, there can be a different tone to the response and sometimes even a different answer.

Perhaps this is why MNDanceDad comes across a little differently with suggestions and comments... ??

Food for thought for ALL of us... SO’s and teachers also respond and view Dad vs Mom involvement/opinions differently. I’ve seen it directly myself and with our own family. Depending on which one of us is saying the same thing, there can be a different tone to the response and sometimes even a different answer.

Yes! I used to send my husband in to deal with one specific SO because she was very defensive with women but completely opposite with men.

My comment "spoken like a bunch of dance moms" was an off-the-cuff remark intended to be funny. I was basing it on the TV show and the impression those moms give me. My version of a stereotypical dance mom is based on what I've seen on there and not the women I've interacted with. Always quick to point fingers and place blame for this or that. When I posted that, it was just supposed to be a joke. Let me just say I'm sorry for unintentionally ruffling feathers. I like to crack wise...I'll try to dial it back.

My comment "spoken like a bunch of dance moms" was an off-the-cuff remark intended to be funny. I was basing it on the TV show and the impression those moms give me. My version of a stereotypical dance mom is based on what I've seen on there and not the women I've interacted with. Always quick to point fingers and place blame for this or that. When I posted that, it was just supposed to be a joke. Let me just say I'm sorry for unintentionally ruffling feathers. I like to crack wise...I'll try to dial it back.

EDIT: I'm a "silver" member now...so watch out!

You do know that the Dance Moms tv show isn't remotely accurate or true right?

Originally Posted by Rushhourmom Yes! I used to send my husband in to deal with one specific SO because she was very defensive with women but completely opposite with men.

Same! I can just literally bring my husband up or say I’m going to talk to him about it first and the tone completely changes. Sometimes to avoid It’s so odd because I completely wear the pants and am a very confident decisive person and the only one who actually likes the competition studio...but she acts like she respects him more?

Originally Posted by Rushhourmom Yes! I used to send my husband in to deal with one specific SO because she was very defensive with women but completely opposite with men.

Prior "studio" (factory is a more apt term) owner actually tried to play my husband against me when we finally made the decision to leave. Tried to sweet talk him, tried to say there must have been some mistake, tried to deny the very things that she had said and done mere hours and days prior...

(this exact behavior is why I turned all communication over to him once the decision was made, I knew she'd continue to be disgusting, hostile, and vicious to me and I knew she'd be kiss ass and 'I don't understand, there must be some misunderstanding, your wife just needs to calm down' to him, and I was right)

... anyway it was extremely satisfying to listen to my husband shut her down hard in the middle of her charade and tell her that there was nothing left for anyone to say to anyone and how soon could we drop her costumes off and be done with our business there.

So... in a nutshell, it does seem that many a SO will treat one parent one way and the spouse another.

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