The Winter Classic is happening. It was canceled forever ago, but on the 7th of January the (cough) fine men and women of Michigan will be able to enjoy the outdoor novelty sports action they were promised in lieu of the NHL Lockout.

The only catch is that hockey won’t be involved, and the Detroit Red Wings will be played by the Harlem Globetrotters. The Toronto Maple Leafs will be played by whatever they’re calling the Generals these days. But hey, it’s still happening on an ice rink. ‘Harlem Globetrotters On Ice’ is something you’d pay to see, right?

Detroit Red Wings Alumnus Kevin Miller will join the Globetrotters to help them continue their winning ways. Miller brings over a decade of NHL experience to the Globetrotters basketball game on ice, which will take place shortly after the NHL’s cancelled “Winter Classic” was scheduled in Michigan on New Year’s Day.

“We hope the NHL can return to the ice as quickly as possible,” said Globetrotters CEO Kurt Schneider. “But in the meantime, we thought the Globetrotters could help fill the void of professional sporting events on an ice surface. And it’s only fitting we play this outdoor game in Michigan, as our tour continues in Kalamazoo the next day.”

A court of ice makes that whole “I’m gonna toss a bucket of water on you” gag more threatening, at least. YOU’RE BAD AT BASKETBALL, I’M GONNA GIVE YOU PNEUMONIA.

If you’re interested in a sneak peak of Globetrotter Winter Classic shenanigans, here’s a highlight video from the last time they performed on ice, two years ago in New York:

The Globetrotters funk levels are so high, the slipperyness of ice does not affect them, so zero slips for them.
Pistol Pete was not funky enough, therefore failing miserably while trying to Slam Hot Dunkz!
BOOM! Science.

True Story: I once paid a bunch of money to play hockey in a league that played at that rink in the video. Due to the height of walls & lack of glass they did not allow hitting, yet did not declare that anywhere in the rules. Suffice it to say my first shift of my first game resulted in an indefinite suspension and I never played again and never got my money back.