PHILADELPHIA—In a desperate attempt to increase attendance at postseason games, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced Monday that the league was offering free Stanley Cup Finals tickets to anybody willing to take them.

REDMOND, OR—In an intimate ceremony witnessed by close friends and Circle K employees, area consumer Bryce Tompkins affirmed his undying devotion to the Pepsi family of beverages Sunday in a moving 45-second ritual officiated by weekend cashier Kirs...

TUCSON, AZ—"He's such a funny happy elephant," said 8-year-old Madison Helms, referring to the abused creature that spends the majority of his time chained up in a cramped, feces-covered enclosure. "He loves being in the circus!"

OLD BRIDGE, NJ—The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4.

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source.

AriesYou'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
Taurus After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people...

NEW YORK—An extremely clever and creative new thing will amuse the world for two and a half weeks in June, become passé by mid-September, and wind up as a trite and infuriating cliché by Christmas, sources said Monday.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—"Harvard is proud to honor the tremendous merits of Adderall, without which many of you would not be sitting here today," Faust said in her opening address to the nearly 1,900 unblinking and intensely focused students receiving their diplomas.

Carlos Zambrano's Refusal To Leave Game Enters 5th Hour

PITTSBURGH—At press time, Cubs manager Lou Piniella's attempt to remove starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano from tonight's game against the Pittsburgh Pirates had entered its fifth hour, with Zambrano refusing to be replaced by left-handed relief pitcher James Russell. Piniella reportedly emerged from the dugout at approximately 8:45 p.m. to make the pitching change, a move that prompted Zambrano to wave the reliever back to the bull pen. Zambrano then refused to give Piniella the game ball, and in the past two hours the All-Star pitcher has, with the manager standing on the mound directly next to him, attempted to throw several pitches to current batter Lastings Milledge. At 1 a.m., Zambrano was overheard saying, "I'll stand out here until dawn if I have to." Home plate umpire Laz Diaz's efforts to get the pitcher and manager to wrap it up have thus far been unsuccessful, though Diaz is now considering paying a second visit to the mound. The Pirates currently lead the Cubs 14-2.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.