According to the man of geography (who knows about these kinds of things), the following are the Worst 100 Locations Anywhere.* Readers who don't believe him are encouraged to visit all 100 to find out for themselves.

See how Santa's workshops and elf residences have caved in as the ice below breaks. Waterlogged toys are quickly becoming yet another example of the effects of climate change. Santa has consequently switched to putting nuclear waste in bad children's stockings.

98. Robloxia

A world of plastic lego-like everything, even the food and their shit is made of plastic, and you have to buy everything (As in everything in there has a price), even air to breathe. No wonder people say it's not free even though their motto is "Free online and building games".

97. Robben Island Historical Prison

Travel to South Africa and visit descendents of political irritants such as Socrates, Jesus, Boethius, Galileo, various Cuban, Chinese, Soviet, etc. government critics, Oscar Wilde, and of course Nelson Mandela himself - all imprisoned for the subversive, immoral, or otherwise annoying acts of their ancestors.

Built around an ancient castle that housed a woman who suffered the world's longest coma (and the necrophiliac that revived her), this theme park features strangers disguised in animal suits who hug children; roller coasters unfit for pregnant women and people with heart conditions; pirates, ghosts, and dinosaurs; and a small world in which dozens of children of various nationalities are forced to endlessly sing the same refrain. Not suited for children.

Originally built using a pyramid scheme (pay someone for the honour of laying a stone; get paid by two people for the honour of laying a stone each; they get paid by two people each...), today you can tour them for an exorbitant fee - but you receive a pyramid voucher that guarantees you will get twice the money back when you bring in two more tourists.

94. Bedrock City

The most environmental-friendly city on Earth! Drive a foot-powered not-so-auto-mobile, learn to use a mammoth-shower and dino-crane, and log on to your Koko-computer-ape using a live mouse! Note: security measures at Pterodactyl Airport include being frisked by a live octopus.

The citizens of Nagasaki are fearful that as the years pass, people will forget the pain and devastation caused by the atomic bomb. To prevent this problem, every August 9 the city stages a re-enactment of the 1945 catastrophe, using an exact replica of the original bomb. During the rest of the year, a team of experts piece the bomb back together using tweezers and extremely good eyesight.

Be the 27,583,463rd visitor and win a special prize! Experts predict that you would become renown as - well, you know, "the straw that broke the camel's back."

89. Venice

If you're not the special Pisa visitor, you might also take in the city of canals not too far away. Take an old-fashioned gondola down the polluted, mud-infested water-streets; avoid the motorboats; and though Venice may be sinking, you don't want to see what's at the bottom of the canals (trust me).

Here in Agra you can see rapidly-developing modern India in progress, in the world's largest shopping centre. It became a particularly large draw once it was proclaimed a UNESCO world heritage site. And you can even purchase miniature versions of the "Taj" for your children - if for nothing else, to teach them the value of respecting the tradition and legacy of culture.

I don't like to sound racist, but a planet full of little green men doesn't appeal to me. And if you think we're concerned about them visiting us in UFO's, just think how paranoid they must be after dozens of NASA and Russian spacecraft have either crash-landed or begun spying on their planet.

Condemned for over two centuries of ignoring the needs of American minorities, many of whom suffer in slums while wealthy white presidents live in luxury - paying gardeners, renovators, and painters with tax dollars to keep its flower beds lovely, its interior beautifully decorated, and its walls a pristine, pure white. But Barack Obama plans to change all that and paint it black. By the way, a $5000 reward will be offered to anyone who can sneak into the White House and put moustaches on all the paintings.

85. Hans Island

A chunk of rock near the Arctic Circle that no one would have the slightest desire to possess if not for the fact that it’s disputed.

You might wish to take in a game or two, but be warned: all those players and fans ever do is cheat anyway, by casting continual spells and counter-spells (similar to Wizard Scrabble).

82. Mount St. Helen’s

Washington State offers a unique opportunity to see inside one of the world’s most impressive volcanoes. You can hike right to the top and peer in – take your camera! Not to worry, the volcano has been dormant for seven centuries.

81. Budapest

This is the ugliest city in the world. Plus, it's in HunGAYria, the septic tank of Romania. Everyone speak a horrible language and don't speak any other language. Even though you can rape (national sport) hungayrians at will, you will probably get the new AIDSiphilis that was invented there.

Be prepared for a 13-day stay. Bring something to read, and a brush and make-up in case you make an appearance on the international news. Watch out for the mines.. they blow-up in your face faster than a worked up Bill O'Reilly.

Remember, the Tasmanian Devil lives "Down Under." And it's hell to get around if you don't speak Tasmanian. You probably won't improve anything by asking the locals "how long would it take me to get to Australia?"

We advise you to take the lesser of two evils, and six extra hearty but disposable crewmembers to boot. It might seem a bit cruel, but have you ever been vomited up by a giant sea monster? Believe me, you won't enjoy the experience. Just sacrifice the six guys.

Climb to the top of the world’s highest summit. Climb back down again. Because it’s there. What a stupid reason.

56. Davy Jones' Locker

Feared by pirates and naval officers alike, Jones' locker has become synonymous with the grotesque and the horrifying. Many a proud and bombastic man has been humbled by its powerful force, its unfathomable mystique, its deep and dreadful stench - apparently Davy Jones didn't shower too often.

55. The Stratosphere

Actually one of the nicest places on Earth, unless you’re among a planeload of people who have suddenly, simultaneously become afraid of heights.

Ravaged by the Second Congo War (fought over trademark rights with the Republic of the Congo), people here vote with the barrels of their guns; which has led to human rights protests in developed nations, where they vote in a much more civilized fashion - with their wallets.

The problem with the center of the world’s largest metropolis is that, in the middle of the night, it’s totally dead. No character. This place needs some poverty, homelessness, and crime big time!

52. Rod Serling’s Gravesite

You’ve come to the burial place of one of Hollywood’s finest: the incomparable, creative genius known to fans and foes everywhere as none other than “Rod.” You don’t know what drove you to come, but you have a slight, nagging suspicion that this strange place will bring you in touch with – your darker side, perhaps? - or somehow closer to being at one with the world’s odd mysteries. Even as you approach the cenotaph, a voice inside you insists that this is no ordinary pilgrimage; no, number 52 on the list of worst locations has an unexplainable appeal to it. Somehow, soon, you know you will no longer be in any kind of terrestrial locale at all. For the grave of yours truly is in fact #34 on the list of Best Locations in… the Twilight Zone.

51. Suez Canal

Zeus stops, spots Suez. Well, what did you expect? A man? A plan? A canal? Panama?

He’s about as big and gross as they come, and he would probably put you on a long leash dressed in a bikini. Even if you’re a man.

43. Fantasy Island

I’m so glad you made it to our tropical paradise. Here you will experience typical made-for-television plot twists, endless clichés, and characters as flat as they come, not to mention being advertised to every ten minutes or so. Don’t you wish you had remained on the plane, the plane? Welcome to Fantasy Island.

42. The Alexandria Library

The world's most famous library might seem like an awe-inspiring place to catch up on your reading, and you would certainly be tempted to peruse some of its several hundred thousand scrolls, but for the fact that it burned down over 1500 years ago. By the way, if you do have any overdue items, you can return them to the modern Alexandria Public Library along with a late fee of 45 million Egyptian Pounds.

41. Mariana Trench

Do you really want to go to a place were in the ocean were the water pressure is extremely high?

Traditionally considered a great place for Americans to haggle over Mexican souvenirs, today one can get one’s medical needs met without the annoyance of haggling with doctors over prescriptions. If you’d like a higher dose of just about anything, it’s not a bad place at all – so long as you keep in mind that everyone else is on premium doses of their pharmaceutical requirements as well.

The former Japanese capital and favourite tourist location has become synonymous in recent years with environmentalism, not to mention bureaucratic excuse-making, government stonewalling, and corporate laissez-faire attitudes towards climate change.

36. The Red Sea

Unfortunately, you won’t be able to visit here because it parted a long time ago.

35. The Pnyx

See the meeting place of Athenian democracy, overlooked by the stunning ancient Parthenon. And you, too, can vote on the future of such Greek heritage sites – so long as you are a man who has completed his military training.

Every Friday night a free Spinal Tap concert! And watch out for the planned expansion: more and taller stones soon to be erected!

32. Gotham City

Here you will become accustomed to being a crime victim; but you will happily offer to accept the level of crime in the city if only they would pleeeeease reduce the level of melodrama. Watch out for weird men in bat suits (they’re not so friendly as you’ve heard).

31. Flintlock Michigan

Especially bad for kids six years old or less because of all the lead there.

Why would anyone want to frequent a place that continually entices superhuman evil geniuses wanting to do battle with Superman? The terror “Super” man attracts makes Metropolis the most dangerous city on Earth.

“Paradise on Earth” is the most probable place in the world to spark a nuclear war. Develop deep insight into the bitter divide between India and Pakistan, and how Kashmiris are stuck in the middle. Would make a great setting for a historical Salman Rushdie novel.

In-fighting between the Tutsis, Hutus, Fruitsies, Tutus, Footsies, U2’s, Little Bootsies, Little Lulus, Tootsie Wootsies, and You-hoo Boo-hoos makes this small African nation difficult to live in – not only because of the conflict, but in telling all the –utsie and –utu people apart.

End up at the bottom of a humungous chocolate vat, or squeezed through some candy-making tube, or with your guts turned inside out in a coconut-cream blender. Hey, if you’re going to die young, this is the way to go.

See the land of stereotypical witches, fraudulent wizards, stupid talking scarecrows, heartless tin people, lions not worth the manes they’re hiding behind, trees that pummel you with apples, and a town of dwarves apparently oblivious to it all. It makes you wonder exactly what kids see in this place, after all.

Enjoy your days here on campus receiving the best of extensive and worldly education. Mingle with a diverse and cultured international community while avoiding the everyday perils of falling bombs and seething Zionists that wish to blow your face into hamburger beef with their American licensed M-16s. Not to mention the Hamas rockets launching from the playground, making your dorm room a target for Israeli air strikes and artillery. Oh, and just as a reminder, every late assignment has five points taken off each day you fail to turn it in. Courtesy of The Dean.

Enjoy the last ever fireworks display of your short, carbon-based life. At least it's pretty enough to fry your retinas.

9. Heartbreak Hotel

Ever since my baby left me, I’ve found a new place to dwell; it’s down at the end of Lonely Street in Heartbreak Hotel. You’re familiar with Lonely Street, right? The famous hotel is two blocks south of Desperation Bar, near Forlorn Valley. Complete with Losers Pool Hall and Casino, in which all games are fixed so you can never win. Meet other heartbroken singles and find love again, then check out - until next time.

Everyone wanted a piece of the wall when it came down. Berliners gathered up spray-painted cement chips as souvenirs to keep or sell as small chunks of history. Eventually the entire wall was sold, piece by piece, for a value greater than the 1989 East German economy. Undeterred, German citizens and tourists alike started digging pieces of cement from the ground where the wall had been. As a result, a long trench now divides the city, making it impossible to travel between East and West.

Just take the minimum-wage labour constructed McShuttle to the Space McStation and enjoy a Big Mess, and perhaps the all-new McFloat for dessert. Children are encouraged to play on the weightless playground, where they can become aggravated attempting to slide “down” slides and jump “up and down” in rooms of plastic balls (all the while avoiding floating McVomit).

Not just any closet, this is the Closet, the one that has inspired so many millions to publicly reveal their inner secrets. Enter this closet, and you too can come out. You'll also be stuck with Tom Cruise during your stay in the closet.

5. Ayatollahland

Tehran’s version of Disneyland, complete with the Ayatollah’s Castle, Pirates of the Persian Gulf, It’s a Small Jihad, and Fundamentalland. Completely nuclear-powered to provide an example of the nation’s commitment to peaceful use of Iranium. No sign of hidden nukes anywhere – in fact, children and Westerners alike are encouraged to tour the neighbouring nuclear power plant.

4. The Beaches of Normandy

Every day is D-Day as you can re-experience June 6, 1944 in this reality-based tourist attraction. Feel the excitement and danger as neo-nazis pummel the ground before you with authentic World War II-style machine guns. If you make it through alive, you are most certainly encouraged to try the adventure again the following day.

3. The Korean DMZ

If you are a Jew, then you don't have to worry about meeting Hitler here, as he was a devout Christian.

There's no better spot to be during the end of the world than vaporized in the Demilitarized zone between North and South Korea. Enjoy the center stage of World War III as the two sides aim their nukes at each other and push the big red button.