Monday, 12 August 2013

How to do a break-up the Dawnie way......

Break-ups are hard. They are even more fun when you are having to continue living with your ex until you get yourself sorted. The point of this post is really just a quick tutorial in how to do break-ups my way. Because seriously, just like no one does a flat warming like Carlsberg does, no one does a break up quite like Dawnie does. So here are my helpful tips:

Drink too much wine. Constantly tell yourself that 'you are going through a hard time' or that your 'living situation is unbearable' and that you deserve it. Let your usual nightly glass turn into a half a bottle. And your usual healthy dinner turn into half a bag of kettle chips. Wake up every morning swearing that you won't drink that night and then run to the shop at 6.45pm with a desperate look in your eyes that says if I don't get wine now I will never be able to nip out and get it once the baby is in bed.

Continue to carry around the first world guilt that makes you abide by government advice to have two alcohol free nights a week. Still have those nights. But only because you are so hungover from the girls night out you went on the night before that you physically couldn't face another drink even if you wanted one.

Enjoy this new found freedom. Relish in the fact that for a large chunk of your time you will be baby free while the kid spends time with their dad. Go on said night out with the girls and get so drunk that you can hardly walk, talk or construct a sentence. Except to slur the occasional reassurance that you are 'fine' and that you are actually 'totally on top of this break-up'. Repeat this over and over again until someone shoves a glass of water in your hand and tells you to shut the fuck up.

On the subject of being 'fine', push this point at every single available opportunity. Particularly when being quizzed by supportive friends and family members or when your Mum asks you for the millionth time if you are really ok. Just repeat 'I'm fine' over and over again. Even when you are asked what you fancy for dinner. Just say 'I'm fine'. Keep doing so until it becomes a running joke with everyone who knows you that you are in fact 'fine'.

Disregard the one thing you love most in the world which is putting on your favourite album and cooking up something amazingly healthy and delicious while having a little solo no one can see me dance around the kitchen. This is something that makes you happy. This is one of your most favourite things in the world to do. But you don't deserve happiness. You're solely responsible for breaking up a family. Eat a jar of peanut butter and hate yourself instead.

Spend at least three hours a week staring at a blank computer screen. Desperately try to sum up some words in a vain attempt to not lose the blog followers you have. Promise to do sponsored blogposts that are offering cash you could seriously do with in order to leave said horrible living situation. Realise two weeks later that you have forgotten the email, lost the link and that actually you can't be fucking bothered anyway.

Deal with your parental guilt through excessive spoiling that is neither sustainable nor healthy for your child. Spend 5 hours a day in soft play, give them sausages & biscuits for breakfast, lunch and dinner and allow them to drink fruit shoots to their hearts content. After all you must ensure they know how much you love them if there is ever a custody battle to ensue. Right?

But seriously?

Get a fringe, book yourself a night away, go for lots of bubble baths, cry when no one is watching, feign happiness when everyone is, be positive, remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be, get excited for what might be just round the corner, say fuck a lot, smile when things get a little tough, flirt with boys, cuddle that kid to within an inch of her life and if all else fails?