How can one man possibly deserve to be the object of so much sanctimoniousness? No, not Hillary Clinton. Barry Bonds. You either have to be for him or against him. There is even a rumor that Switzerland is about to declare an opinion on the Bonds Issue. Something they never did about Adolf Hitler. Or even Barry Switzer. (The latter is somewhat surprising. I mean, how often does a man named after your country get to coach the Cowboys?)
Barry Bonds has become sport’s first terrorist. Osama Bin Homerun. His mere existence appears to be a threat to the great bastion of American culture that is baseball.
The Commissioner of Baseball, Mr. Zelig, a man easily miserable enough to be played by Woody Allen if only he was three feet taller, keeps his hands in his pockets while Bonds equals Henry Aaron’s home run record. We Pondants know why. He has billions of dollars in those pockets from sales of Bonds t-shirts. And San Francisco Giants tickets.
Then Mr. Zelig persuades his friend Henry to tape a congratulations video, played on the Giants giant screen moments after Bonds had hit a baseball in the direction of Australia towards a Mets fan waiting for his flight. Um, its flight. Well, both. Aaron’s screen performance was so much more Morgan Fairchild than Morgan Freeman. He hid his resentment about as well as Kevin Federline hides his condoms. Why do those of yesteryear think that a serious bearing and a stiff upper lip can mask what they really feel? It never worked for the English. They treated their Indians worse than the Americans treated theirs.
Zelig and Aaron are pure. Bonds, because he might have taken a few steroids years after the likes of America’s hero, Mark McGuire, is treated as if he were pond scum. Barry, you are welcome to wade into this Pond. We here are imperfect souls who, like you, are trying to create some good feelings in the world.
You have acknowledged that you are an entertainer, and just as Sinatra needed a few snifters before a performance, so you might have need a little 7Up to help the Giants go one up. No one got hurt. (although please be sure to check the size of your testicles regularly)
Barry Bonds is surrounded by people who are making billions of dollars out of his talent. And at the same time, they sit in judgement over his alleged steroid use. If Zelig and his tie-wearing teamsters decide to put an asterisk beside Bonds’ records, would they be prepared to give everyone who ever saw him play their money back?
After all, if the fans were cheated, then, as with any entertainment performance, they should get a raincheck.
Oh, but that would hurt the integrity of the game, wouldn’t it?