I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks, I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!

And next…

The cast that travels together stays together!

That chick in front of you is the new Victoria. Since you’re her new boytoy, I’m sure you heard a bit about the brouhaha that surrounded the sudden dismissal of Rachelle, the old Victoria, and the hiring of Opie’s daughter. Learn something from her situation: DON’T SCHEDULE ANYTHING during the filming of Eclipse!

The doofus next to you is Kellan, he plays the doofus Emmett! Typecasting rules, no? If you’re ever having impure thoughts and feel the need to “lay your burdens down,” this is your guy. He may even offer to give you his copy of the Purpose Driven Life and counsel you through this rough time. What a pal!

Beeeeeeetch please!

That hot chick to your left is our BFF, Ashley Greene, you might have been perusing the interwebs and saw some picture of her all nakey like. Just remember: her eyes are UP HERE!

Next up…

This little slice of sunshine is Nikki Reed, aka Rosalie Hale aka one crazzzzy biotch. She’s on again, off again friends with KStew and sometimes ef buddy with Mr. Pattinson. Whatever you do don’t mention the terms “third wheel, ” “nepotism,” or “Paris Hilton” around her. TRUST! Oh and if you happen to have to kiss her or do any other sort of skin-to-skin contact make sure you get the Hep C vaccine… you never know where her boyfriend’s been. Well… actually we do.

A-n-i-m-a-l A-t-t-a-c-k-!

The dude next to you is Peter Facinelli aka Carlisle, aka MIKE DEXTER!

This dude drives an RV and is married to Jenny Garth that chick from 90210. Ask your sister. Never bet this guy, you might end up dancing in a bikini on Hollywood Blvd and as much as we’d love to see that (ok, not really), I’m sure you’d like to continue being an actor.

AAANnnddd lastly (for today) this is Jackson Rathboner aka Jasper aka the dude who got screwed by the wig department in New Moon.

Yea the dude in the glasses with the catfish-style facial hair!

If he asks you to sit in on an impromptu jam session or come listen to his ‘garage band’ play some night in Vancouver, politely decline, feign food poisoning from catering, deafness, whatever you need to do but do NOT go! You may end up in a banana costume in the back of a 15 passenger van. And you do NOT want to be “Xavier the NEW bananager!”

So with these handy dandy tips you are on your way to becoming part of the Twilight phenomenon! Oh and HOLY CRAP YOU’RE HOT!!

See I could write a letter out of that!
Themoonisdown

PS So what would you tell Xavier about Twilight?
PPS dude, can we get a REAL picture of you, Xavier?!

UC and Rob text up a storm over at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk it out some more? Head over to the Forum for our daily discussion, some milfy good times for moms, all the best videos and anything else you can think of!

Pictures: Lainey, Twicrack, some other places I can’t remember

*edit, only took me till 330PST to realize i forgot poor jackson’s pics! HA! i rule at blogging*

He’s the best thing to come out of Adelaide since… liver damage after a wineries tour? Anthony LaPaglia? (yes I totally had to google celebrities born in Adelaide, and Mr Without A Trace A-League soccer player was the only one I recognised).

Come visit the city of churches, Twilight cast! We’ll show you just how bad a nightclub called ‘Heaven’ can be! We can also show you just how many of those churches are now nightclubs themselves, with names like ‘The Church’, ‘The Cathedral’ and ‘The Nunnery’ (ok I might have made the last one up)

There is a little asertick (sp?) beside Jackson’s name…I assume that is because you couldn’t find an airport picture of him cause he didn’t travel with the rest of the cast…but we don’t know cause…well, you didn’t tell. Or do you like just putting those behind his name?

the new boy is indeed attractive but he doesn’t have Rob’s dimples—loved the slice of sunshine (must remember that line)—btw must have missed s.th.—is kellan into youth counselling—perhaps he should walk this way with the ‘Purpose Driven Life’ under his arm tho, of course, my life does have a purpose post-Rob: Robsessing—:))

Although he is quite the cutie….we all know who STILL holds my heart…that’s right it Big Daddy Lautner!!! SIKE JUST KIDDING LMAO I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!!!! :( No we Know Rob still is my #1 but Bobby could be slowly creepin up on him!! ;)

Oh, no, how do you mean “screwed”? I thought Goldilocks-Jackson was a cute improvement on some other pictures I’ ve seen of him. :-) At least this way he won’t get confused with any Johnny Depp-lookalikes that might be lurking around the set…

JR, you should totally consider having your hair dyed along with Nikki, and see if it’s true that blondes have more fun! Might even up the fan following of the 100 Monkeys, don’t you think? Anything is worth trying, right?

I would add: don’t visit any cast private rooms after midnight, or you may be the victim of vicious rumours of being best friends with benefits with any one of them. Don’t take their Heineken even if they throw it after you! And don’t smoke anything – and I mean ANYTHING – you are offered by anyone in a wig.

Food for thought: has anyone seen Taylor Lautner’s mother? Or is Daddy Lautner a true picture of what Taylor will look like post-Twilight plus 20-some years?
(Always check in with the parents before you sign any prenuptial is good advice.)

ROFL.- ‘watch your donuts around him’.
poor taytor tot probably has to do that all the time.
and ‘her eyes are UP HERE’ = WIN.
and yeah, you could have just said HOLY CRAP YOU’RE HOT. i still would have agreed xD

HAHA! That would be the best thing ever!!!
Now I need to start a blog dedicated to Jackson and call it WELCOME TO RATHBONIA!!!

Still think that was one of the best moments of the Tex-ass Weekend! Then next might be when I said I wanted Bobby to sign my uterus with his sperm.
There are way too many awesome moments to count.
Carrie
Denied entry into Rathbonia!

Is it possible/allowable to feel 2nd hand super-chuffed that a fellow Aussie scored a part in this pop culture juggernaut? But only has to do one so hopefully won’t be labelled as ‘That guy from Twilight’ for the rest of his career?

yeah i agree he is really really hot but what i dont understand is why he needs to be on set right now with everyone i mean isnt he only going to be in like one scene in the entire movie? i mean its not like he had that significant of a role in the books, he’s just that guy that seth (and edward) kill and who victoria (who i wish was still rachelle) uses

Ummmm…..if that was a REAL letter to Xavier, he wont be comin back to Oz any time soon. Love him and GET THE CAST HERE FOR A TWILIGHT CONVENTION/PREMIERE PLEASE Xavier if u read this! Adel is a kewl place, we know how to rock the Nightlife, please!? Tell Rob hes HOT and Robsten Rules! But yes…please something Twlight in Adel! PRETTY PLEASE!? thankyou xxx