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Friday, 16 January 2015

Week 24 - The Gramble on hygiene

Stewart was an amazing
person - A wonderful husband, a fantastic brother, a loving son and an
adored uncle. He was also a brilliant friend and colleague and will be
missed by so many people. His family are determined that his death will never
be in vain and are doing their part to beat bowel cancer for good.We are fundraising for the Bobby Moore Fund
which is part of Cancer Research UK and specialises in research into bowel
cancer.If you wish to donate to the
fund, you can viahttps://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3
.

His wish was that The Grambler
should continue after his death and I have been happy to oblige.Welcome to The Grambler, the most
ill-informed blog you are ever likely to see. Read on and enjoy…

Dear Mr Gumbo,

Here’s a teaser for you.Which
team, promoted from Division 1 to the Premiership at the end of last season
have the nickname the Foxes?

Yours truly,

Les Tursitty.

Here is a footie related story.Sort of.If you go to any
football match in Scotland, chances are that at half time you will give yourself
a culinary treat by consuming a Scotch pie and a cup of Bovril.Well this week the winner of the World Scotch
Pie Championships was announced.So if
you are anywhere near Perth, pop into Murrays and ask for one of their World-beating pies.Let’s see if I get anywhere with a bit of
product placement.Hint, hint.For more info on the World Scotch Pie
Championships go to http://meatfilledpastries.com/2015/01/14/2015-world-scotch-pie-championships-a-judges-story
and read all about it.

All the old paintings on the tomb
They do the grambling, don'cha know?
If they move too quick (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're grambling like a domino

And the bazaar man by the Nile
He got the money on a bet
Gold crocodiles (Oh-Way-Oh)
They snap their teeth on a cigarette

Foreign types with their hookah pipes sing:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays
Gramble around and they cross the floor.
They've got the moves (Oh-Way-Oh)
You drop your drink then they gramble you more

All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're grambling like an Egyptian

All the kids in the marketplace say:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian.

Gramble your feet up the streets
Gramble your back
Shift your arm then you gramble back
Like Sergeant O (Oh-Way-Oh)
So gramble a pose on a Cadillac

If you want to find all the cops,
They're grambling out in the donut shop.
They sing and dance (Oh-Way-Oh)
They spin their clock and gramble on down the block

All the Japanese with their Yen
The grambling boys call the Kremlin
The Chinese know (Oh-Way-Oh)
They’re grambling like Egyptians

All the cops in the donut shops say:
Way-oh-way-oh-way-ooo-aaa-ooo...
Gramble like an Egyptian
Gramble like an Egyptian

Unusually, I printed
the whole gramblerised version there.Do
you want to know why?Just so that you
would realise that the song makes no sense at all; gramblerised or not.

May I also mention that 17th January 1974 was the birth date of one Marcus Spriggs.No, I don’t know who he is either, so I
looked him up and the description after his name read simply ‘offensive
tackle’.So whoever this guy is, the
most memorable thing about him is the fact that his personal hygiene is a bit
suspect… Hang on a mo, someone’s whispering in my ear… Well, why didn’t they
say that?Apparently, Mr Spriggs played
American football and the position he played was ‘offensive guard’; his job
being to tackle oncoming players.It all
makes sense now. Offensive tackle
indeed!

Talking of personal hygiene, I find that the older I get, the more like
Howard Hughes I become about hygiene.He
was supposed to have got so obsessed about cleanliness that he carried tissues
around so that he could put one down to prevent him having to make contact with
the ground with his feet – He walked on tissues!Obviously, dropping litter didn’t bother him,
because he must have left a trail of Kleenex behind him wherever he went.I imagine he employed somebody to follow him
around to clear up after him.

Anyway, I digress.I now
absolutely loathe going into a public convenience where the door swings
inwards.Why?Because when I exit the place I have to pull
the door towards me.And that means
touching a handle that has been touched by others.Now, I always wash my hands after visiting
the loo, but some people don’t.I know. It surprised me too.Now, I am fine with those loos where you use
paper towels to dry your hands.Not a
problem – wash hands; pull paper towel from dispenser; dry hands; open door of
public convenience with towel, thereby not actually touching contaminated
handle; deposit used towel in first bin I see.Simple.No problem with that.

The loos I hate are those that have automatic hand dryers; especially
those blady things ‘invented’ by that ‘inventor’ James Vacuum-Cleaner (refer to
http://www.thegrambler.com/2014/04/week-32-i-hear-you-grambling.html
for rant).You see, then you have to
touch that door handle.The only
alternative is to nip into a cubicle and hope there is some bog paper in there
to use to grip the door handle.Oh
no!That means having to touch the
cubicle door which is bound to be covered in bacteria.Aargh!Have to wash hands again!

Worse even than those automatic hand dryers are roller towels.You know the type of thing; a roll of towel
made from strong cloth in a roller dispenser.You give the towel a tug to bring down a dry portion.Problem is, you have to touch a used part to
pull down a clean part.Aargh!More contamination!Ah, you say; if the previous user has washed
his hands the towel will be clean anyway, surely.Not so, I reply.And don’t call me Shirley.* That should be the case but sometimes people
go straight from the urinal to the towel.You know why.Don’t pretend you
don’t.Yeurghh!Even worse is when the towel has reached the
end of the roll so there is a wringing wet piece of towel which has been used
by goodness knows how many individuals.

I think we should move away from public conveniences – as the police
officer said to Mr Michael.Let’s move
onto ‘other people’s bathrooms’.Yes,
even other people’s bathrooms can cause me grief.Carpeted floors – that’s my first moan.Not suitable for bathrooms.Oh no.No matter how careful we gentlemen are, there is always likely to be
some – how can I phrase this? – splash.I don’t mean as in missing the bowl, although that can happen.A lot.I mean, well, splash.In the U.S. the rule is that toothbrushes should not be anywhere
closer than six feet from the bowl because of that very thing – splash.It’s for this reason that I always ensure the
toilet lid is down when I flush.Honest.I worry about me, I
really do.Anyway, my point is that
carpets are unsuitable for bathroom floors because they can become contaminated
with… splash.

Let’s move on.Another moan
relating to the toilet is to do with the toilet seat that won’t stay put when
you raise it.It is especially bad if it
seems to stay put and falls down halfway through ‘using’ the loo.Wet trousers time lads.That’s my excuse anyway.Who the hell designs these gentlemen
unfriendly bog seats?

Another gripe is wooden toilet seats.I know some people think they are fine and I apologise to them for
criticising their taste in toilet seats [Taste in toilet seats…There’s a phrase
you don’t hear every day. – Ed.].To me
they harbour germs and worse than that is the threat of splinters.And you don’t want splinters on your…visit to
the loo.Time to move on I think.

Let’s consider not just using the loo, but using the other
facilities.Showers.Other people’s showers.I hate other people’s showers.I especially dislike showers with a fixed
head.You know those that have the thing
like a giant watering can rose directly above your head.If it is fixed, my argument is that it can’t
be given a right old clean.There could
be all kinds of microbes living up there.Legionella bacteria, for one.Actually the word bacteria is plural, so ‘for one’ might not strictly be
accurate, but ‘legionella bacteria, for several billion’ doesn’t read too
well.Obviously, I prefer a shower with
a flexible hose and a movable head.Even
these annoy me sometimes.The advantage
of a movable head shower is that you can remove the head from its cradle and
spray… those awkward to get at places.Agree?So why do some people feed
the hose through that ring thing which is there to hang shower gel and the like
from?Defeats the purpose, I say.And another thing, why is it that everybody
else’s shower is not as good as my own?The
pressure never seems to be right; too fierce; too feeble.Can’t get the fn temperature right; one
minute it will be freezing, the next scalding, then freezing, then…Arrgh!

However, there is one thing that bothers more than anything I have
already moaned about.It bothers me more
than public convenience cleanliness, toilet seats, or shower heads.It is when I am using somebody else’s shower
that I am bothered.And I am sure you
are bothered by it too.It is that moment
when you are in the shower.You have
switched the water on and have managed to achieve a reasonable heat/pressure
compromise.You have soaked your body
and you reach out for the soap to begin washing, only to realise that on this bar
of soap is a single tiny, pubic hair…ARRGHHH!

*Airplane 1980

Let’s get onto the more agreeable topic of grambling.How did we fare last week?We won.Yay!Well, four out of five bets
went as predicted by The Grambler, so we were in profit.Yay!All right; don’t get carried away.£1.58 to the good.Ya… is that
all?Not great, but a profit’s a
profit.What happened?Stay fair reader and all will be revealed…

Bournemouth vs Norwich –
Prediction Home win

Result – Bournemouth 1 Norwich 2

Ouch! Bad start

Ten-manNorwichCity marked Alex Neil's first game in
charge with a stunning win away to Bournemouth.

Does Norwich’s
new manager Alex Neil have healing powers?

The Cherries led when Matt ‘Mbosa’ Ritchie thumped in
Marc Pugh's cross.

‘Doctor’ Matt Smith then scored his ninth goal in five
matches, tapping home after Luke ‘Fluff’ Freeman's pull back.

After the break, Emmanuel-Thomas fired cleverly past
Roy Carroll and Derrick Williams slotted a fourth to seal City's biggest win of
the season.

BurtonAlbion
vs Mansfield
– Prediction Home win

Result – BurtonAlbion
2 Mansfield
1

Yay! again

Burton's Matt ‘Tara’ Palmer scored from a free-kick
before Kelvin ‘Bill’ Maynard doubled the lead with a header.

Michael ‘Heavy’ Raynes's header pulled a goal back for
the visitors but they were unable to secure a point.

NewportCounty
vs Portsmouth
– Prediction Home win

Result – NewportCounty
1 Portsmouth
0

Yay! once more

Strikers Shaun ‘Franny’ Jeffers and Aaron ‘Sinead’ O'Connor
went closest for the Exiles in the first half, while midfielder Jed Wallace
threatened for the visitors.

Both sides pushed for a winner after the break but Mark
‘Ed’ Byrne settled it with a low shot from outside the box.

Mark Byrne realises that he shouldn’t have borrowed

Luke Ayling’s superglue

Brechin vs Ayr
– Prediction Home win

Result – Brechin 2 Ayr
1

Yay! and again

The hosts took just 16 minutes to break the deadlock,
defender Paul McLean grabbing his third of the campaign and Andrew Jackson hit
the bar with a shot.

The points were sealed with 10 minutes to go when Paul
McLean teed up Robert Thomson to fire home.

Ayr grabbed a goal in added time when
Michael Donald set up Alan Forrest.

So there we are; in profit for the first time since I
don’t know when.Can we do it again this
week?[Doubt it. – Ed.]

An almost full card of 58 games in the eight senior
leagues this week at 3pm on Saturday the
17th of January 2015.So what has The
Grambler randomly chosen for us this week?

Game – Result – Odds

Tottenham vs Sunderland
– Prediction Home win – 4/7

Middlesbrough
vs Huddersfield
– Prediction Home win – 4/6

Watford
vs Charlton - Prediction Home win – 8/13

Aberdeen
vs Dundee
– Prediction Home win – 4/9

Peterhead vs Stirling
- Prediction Home win – 4/6

What can I say?All home wins.Cagey or
what?The Grambler is becoming a little
bit cautious these days.Look at those
odds.We are not likely to win a fortune
if they do all go as predicted.In fact,
the payout from our bets (10 x 20 pees doubles and 1 x 20 pees accumulator)
would be a piffling…

£7.10

…That is piffling.

Okay all you quiz kings (and queens) out there, it’s
teaser time.Yay!

Last week I asked you what was special about the San Marino goal in the 7-1 defeat to England back on the 17th
November 1993.The goal scored by Davide Gualtieri was the
fastest goal ever scored in FIFA World Cup qualification history.

In the match, which took place in
Bologna, Italy, San Marino kicked off and the ball was quickly played through
the inside-right channel. England
defender Stuart Pearce attempted a back-pass to goalkeeper David Seaman. Pearce's pass was under-hit and Gualtieri ran
on to touch the ball past Seaman. The goal was timed at 8.3 seconds.Oh how we laughed.

Now, this week’s teaser.

A daft one for you this
week.Who is the only Premiershit player
whose entire surname is made up of letters which can also be Roman
numerals?You know – I V L C – that sort
of thing.Answers on a postcard
please.Don’t bother posting it though.

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Grambler Goodies

Hey all you gramblers out there. How would you like to be the proud owner of smart, stylish Grambler tee shirt? You would? Then go straight to http://www.redbubble.com/people/supergezza and make that purchase. All profits will go straight to the Bobby Moore Fund for bowel cancer research. And if you really want everyone to know that you support The Grambler, why not buy a few stickers as well.