Hardly ever come on here any more but as I`ve recently received a couple of PMs from members on here, just thought I would post to let everyone know how I`m getting on these days. Acne wise my skin isn`t perfect but I`ve reached a stage in my life where I don`t really care that much any more. Having slightly less than perfect skin doesn`t define me or make me a lesser person. I don`t have masses of self-worth or self-esteem but I believe I`m inherently a good person irrespective of my skin.

I had a serious bout of depression which culminated in me virtually having a breakdown and wanting to end my life back in January. It`s taken a while but I believe I`ve more or less recovered now. I still have to take anti-depressants and I have psychotherapy with a therapist once a week but I`m in no way depressed anymore.

I`m back at work now and much to my surprise, I`ve become very close friends with someone who I met on a forum at the end of February. We initially started chatting at the end of February by PM on a website and this then extended to Facebook. We only live 50 miles apart and we have met up four times and on each occasion, we`ve got on really well. Right now, we are just friends and that will remain the case but in the future who knows.

Us meeting proved to be a real turning point for me. She has helped me to move on from things that have happened in the recent past and has helped me to forgive myself for mistakes I made whilst I was ill and to know that I am a good person with worth, value and inherent good qualities. Furthermore, meeting her has helped me to forgive and move on from those people who have used or hurt me in the past. Forgiveness isn`t about forgetting things that have happened or necessarily letting people who have used and hurt you back into your life. It`s about letting go of the bitterness, shame, remorse and anger that you feel towards yourself and others. It`s just my opinion but I cannot stress how important forgiveness is. Being angry and bitter is so destructive and you can never trust or open yourself up to anyone you meet in the future unless you let it go. It`s a sad fact of life but people who have trust issues generally carry a lot of emotional baggage and find it virtually impossible to form healthy and successful relationships in real life.

Sorry for the previous paragraph - just wanted to share what I have learned about forgiveness.

Hope all of you out there are doing okay and not letting acne beat you. I know it`s really hard to believe but having acne doesn`t define you and you shouldn`t let what others say to you define you either. Everyone of us was born with worth, value and self-esteem - it`s only experiences throughout our lives that make us believe that we don`t have these commodities. Irrespective of the condition of our skin, everyone of us has value, worth, importance and we all matter. I know it`s hard but if you can try to remind yourselves of those facts and learn to believe and accept those things for yourselves, you`d be surprised how much easier life becomes.

It`s been a while since I`ve posted on these forums, there has been lots of things happening in my life of late - hopefully changes for the better.

I`ve been been really ill mentally to the point that in mid January, I had made a plan to end things. It was only after speaking to a CPN after my GP put in an urgent referral for me to a Community Mental Health Team that I was persuaded to not go through with the plan.

It has been a really tough time but I`m starting to feel much better now. One of the really positive things to have come out of this episode is my change of attitude towards my diet and acne. For years I`ve been obsessed with eating healthily due to acne but recently, because I`ve stopped caring, I`ve been eating all kinds of junk. It`s resulted in me putting a stone and a half on in weight but more importantly, my skin isn`t any different really. It has helped me to see that diet doesn`t really have as much bearing on acne as I thought. I need to eat more healthily but in future I won`t completely deny myself and I will try to have some things in moderation.

I have been in a really bad place and I`ve been under the care of a Community Mental Health Team and seeing a CPN. Having had a number of sessions with the CPN and having discussed some of the erratic behaviours I`ve displayed when I`ve been ill, the CPN seems to think that I`ve got some Borderline Personality Disorder traits. I started psychotherapy on Saturday and even after one session, I feel less disgust, shame and self-loathing. It doesn`t condone or make right anything I`ve done wrong in the past but knowing I may have an illness that makes me act in a certain way does help me to accept and understand why I have at times acted irrationally. I don`t deserve to beat myself up for having an illness that makes me act irrationally at times. My illness is not me and it doesn`t define me and I`m sorry but if certain people cannot differentiate between my illness and me as a person, then they are shallow and not worth knowing.

I`ve also been using the time that I`ve got on my hands due to being signed off sick to attend two drop-in groups for people with mental health issues. One is an informal discussion group with an organisation called Depression Alliance and the other is a group called Together which I attend with my cousin and enables people with mental health issues to meet-up to chat, play games, do cookery, do art or any number of other activities. I`m hoping to go back to work after 24/3/2014 but in the meantime, these activities have helped me to interact and speak to people who are like-minded, understand and can empathise. It has been a great help.

I try to limit the amount of time I`m on the internet these days - I`ve made that mistake in the past and it`s really not good for you in the long-term and can really exacerbate any social anxiety that you already have. Ironically, I have however joined up with a website called Mental Earth Community (MEC) and it has been really helpful. I`ve spoken to a few people on there and I`ve managed to make one or two new online friends. In particular, I have been speaking to someone who lives quite close to me. Well to cut a long story short, we both met up for the day today in my home city and had a really nice time. I plan to meet up with her again sometime soon - not only have I made an online friend, I`ve also made a real life friend as well.

All in all things are looking up for me. I`ve been through some shit in the past few months but I think it`s been beneficial to me as I feel I`m growing as a person and it`s also helped me to see the people who really care, don`t use me for emotional support and most importantly don`t judge me for my illness. I don`t really have acne or many hang-ups associated with it these days so although this website has been a help to me in the past and I fully appreciate it, I no longer feel the need to post on here anymore. Significantly, I`ve noticed a number of new faces on here that I haven`t seen before so maybe that`s a sign that it`s time to move on.

I`ll continue to log on as I do chat to one or two people on here via PM but even though I know I`ve said it before, this will definitely be my last ever post. I wish everyone on here who is currently battling acne or any related psychological issues all the best. It can and will get better and in the meantime try to remember that like any other illness, you cannot help having acne. Acne does not define you or make you a lesser person - believe and embrace that for yourselves and anyone who does judge for having acne is not worth knowing.

My neck has broken out quite a bit in the past day or two - so frustrating as I`m continuing to still get clear periods and then break out randomly. One thing I have discovered though is that diet doesn`t seem to have quite as much of an impact as I`ve always thought it had. That is quite a big turnaround for me as I`ve always been overly obsessive with diet. Hope this breakout clears up soon.

In all other aspects I`m doing quite well and not feeling quite as depressed as I was.Think it is really helping me not being on the internet so much. There are lots of people out there who virtually live their lives online. I`ve been guilty of that myself and up until recently, I`ll admit that I used to spend some days just aimlessly browsing the internet. It really doesn`t do you any favours - you lose the ability to interact and communicate in real life and you cannot possibly grow as a person without that. When you get to the stage where you are on the internet virtually all day and when you get to the stage where you place more importance in online interaction than you do real life interaction, then I`m sorry but I think it is a real problem for people who are like that and they are doing themselves a lot of damage in the long run. Tomorrow night I`m going to my peer support group again. I really enjoyed last week`s group - it`s so nice to speak to people in real life who understand and don`t judge and also to know you are not alone. I`m also hoping that I get the go ahead to return to work fairly soon as well. All in all, things are finally starting to look more positive.

Skin is doing a little better and I`m starting to eat meals instead of just junk all the time so maybe the increase in nutrients in my diet is helping. Not acne related but on Wednesday, I attended a peer support group meeting through an organisation called Depression Alliance - a UK based mental health charity. It was pretty nerve-wracking beforehand but having gone along, actively participated in the discussions and interacted with some of the other attendees, I`m so pleased that I went. Subsequently I`ve emailed the group facilitator to give them my feedback on the meeting and they are so impressed with my summary that they want to put it on their website so it can be used to encourage people with depression to attend peer support group meetings throughout the UK. Had a pretty torrid time of things in the past month or two, some of which has been self-inflicted but doing this activity on Wednesday has given me a big boost. Think I`ve been a little guilty in recent months of spending too much time on the internet. It`s all well and good and internet forums have their place but if that is all you spend your time doing, you really miss out on real life experiences and interaction and I personally think you cannot grow as a person. Sorry if that offends anyone, it`s just that I got more out of a real life meeting on Wednesday than spending countless hours browsing the internet. Haha, I do realise that by posting this comment on an internet forum, I could possibly be accused of hypocrisy - just my opinion is all. Whatever the level of your acne or anything else, hope you are all doing okay out there.

Moonlit, I just wanted to say that I`m really pleased for you that you feel that your acne may finally be under control. The breakout last summer was indeed a horrible experience but if it was caused by the sertraline as you suspect, the one small crumb of comfort that you can take is that you are almost certainly guaranteed to never break out like that again. I`m sorry that it has left psychological scars. What I would say however is that the negative thoughts that you often have had about your skin and appearance are not true. I used to know you pretty well and I can honestly say that you have never been and never will be those deragatory terms that you sometimes refer to yourself as. Really hope you can believe that for yourself one day because it honestly is true. All the best.

Quiet Jamie, sorry that the experience at the barbers was so negative for you today. The lighting in barbers is particularly harsh and I`m pretty sure that it distorted your view and perception of yourself and your skin. If you were really a monster and as disgusting as you say you are, the hairdresser would have refused to cut your hair.

It sounds as though you have been doing really well of late with confidence, your job and meeting new people. It`s hard but try to see today for what it is, just a blip and focus on the recent positive experiences that you have had. I`m sure too that none of the new people you have been meeting of late would have thought that you were disgusting and a monster so again, try to remind yourself of that. As for finding love, you can never predict when it will happen but if you continue to do the positive things that you have of late and put the barbers experience behind you, I`m sure that opportunities will arise for you somewhere down the line. Good luck.

As for me, I have a cyst developing below my right eye which is going to be large and painful. I`ve really got to ditch my recently acquired unhealthy diet. As for my mood in general, getting out of bed before midday would be an achievement at the moment so it`s a good job that I`m signed off work for the next month. Not sure if it`s depression or being on the maximum dose of citalopram or even my diet but I feel tired and lethargic all the time lately. Furthermore, I thought that when I was referred to a CMHT and assigned a cpn, I assumed that I would be given quite a lot of support and care. To date none of that has been forthcoming and I`ve by and large been left to my own devices.

Not sure if I`m allowed to do this but I`ve noticed a few people (especially from the UK) have been posting on this thread about depression and anxiety. Last night I discovered a website called No More Panic. It is very comprehensive and has forums on all types of anxiety, depression and other health issues and even has sub-forums for individual anti-depressants such as citalopram, sertraline etc. There is a wealth of information and support on there. For some reason, I don`t seem to be able to use the insert link button on here so if anyone is interested in having a browse, the website address is:- www.nomorepanic.co.uk

P1nky, I hear you when you say not to take no for an answer but when you have social anxiety, it makes it incredibly hard to constantly badger your GP until they listen. I was really fortunate that when I explained in no uncertain terms what my plans were last week, my GP listened and I got referred to and seen by my local CMHT within 3 days. I had the first appointment with a cpn last Thursday and another appointment with the same cpn yesterday so that they could "assess" me and gather as much information as possible. I forgot to mention it in my previous post but I have to see the cpn again in two weeks time. In the meantime, I`m to have the final two counselling sessions with the counsellor I see via my employer. I`m ahead of MoonlitRiver in terms of the fact that I have been assessed but any eventual treatment/therapy will probably take months and months to come about. I`ve done CBT in the past but as my issues are so deep-rooted, a combination of psychotherapy/counselling/psychology are apparently my best options going forward.

On the plus side, I`ve recently found out that my cousin has suffered from depression and anxiety over the past few years and I`ve been able to talk to her on Facebook. I met up with her today. She has experienced many of the issues that I have and it is really nice to be able to talk to someone in real life who understands. She is very lucky to have a kind and supportive husband who understands and stands by her no matter how low or how ill she is. We`re planning on meeting up once a week. I`m so thankful for this because thanks to my erratic behaviour recently, I`ve lost an online friend. It`s a sad fact of life but depression can make me a horrible person - however, I`d like to think that it was my illness and not the real me that cost me so dear. I`m therefore grateful that I now have another support mechanism in place.

Really sorry that your skin has caused you to have such anxiety. Probably really easy for me to say but I`m betting that it`s more your perception of how you look and in reality, no one would judge you or view you as negatively as you view yourself. I`ve been diagnosed myself with bdd in the past and the CBT that I had last year was to do with my hang-ups over my skin and appearance. It has helped but the hang-ups and insecurities can still rear their head from time to time. If you ever want to chat/vent/talk about skin, bdd or MH issues, feel free to contact me via PM too.

My skin today is crappy, so much so that I've stayed in the last 3 days, managed to drop off my son at school but couldn't talk to anyone or make eye contact though. To MoonLitRiver and GUNNKE I feel your pain on the MH side. The last 18 months I have been under the care of the CMHT with multiple visits from the crisis team and a 9 week stint at a day hospital, I have had a psychological assessment and have been diagnosed with bdd but have been told it will be at least 6 months before I can see anyone. I too was told I was too ill for CBT. All I can say is don't take no for an answer, my care coordinator tried to discharge me 6 months ago and I had a massive relapse so now they have said they won't discharge me til I am in therapy. If you need help make sure someone listens, I was at my gp surgery every other day until someone listened. It can get better I promise. If you ever need to talk/rant etc I have been through it so feel free to contact me x

I wouldn't blame the NHS as an organisation. Both my grandparents were psychiatrists and I can't stress enough the burden of good that they left on many patients (they worked for the NHS).

I've seen both public and private psychiatrists and really it comes down to the individual. I was deeply saddened to read some of your stories- because I think it reflects badly on a system made up of good and bad doctors.

The only advice I can give is keep trying- there's never going to be one doctor seeing every out patient, and for every 'bad' psychiatrist, there's probably 5 'good' ones.

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I'm going to see my therapist this afternoon to talk about bi-polar, because my mood over the last couple of years has been more of a wrecking ball than a steady stream of sadness.

I don't know if there are any veteran roaccutane people on here- but I'd be interested to hear whether you thought it had a lasting effect on your psychological well being. I know that I haven't been the same since I took it a few years ago (although I did have a toxic amount of it in my system by the time I came off it..)

Unfortunately, the couple of years of clear skin that I had were wasted by my drug taking and depressive tendencies- especially the crazy palpitations that I've only recently managed to ward off.

I haven't had an easy life, and my constant breakouts just feel like an extra kick in the balls that I could really do without, I missed a whole term of university because I wasn't comfortable going in looking the way I did. I feel like people don't really consider acne as a serious problem when it can quite literally tear your life into shreds and force you to pick up the pieces.

I'm really grateful that I've found a community of people who understand, I hope you all have a bearable day at the very least!

Fudge1, I`m sure that within the NHS mental health services there are numerous psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists and other medical professionals who are very good at their jobs. However, it`s not them that is the problem, it`s the overall system. There are far too many different bodies, there is far too much bureaucracy and far too much red tape. Waiting lists are ludicrous and there doesn`t appear to my knowledge to be any scope for people who have severe mental illnesses to be fast-tracked to receive immediate treatment and help.

I know of people who are severely ill who currently are receiving little or no support and it makes my blood boil that due to the inefficiency of the services as a whole, people out there are having their lives put in danger. I`m sorry to vent a bit but right now, this is a subject that is pretty close to my heart.

I`m really sorry that you have severe anxiety and depression and I hope that your appointment with your therapist went well today. My father has bipolar and I know how hard an illness it is to live with especially when he is in a manic episode. For anyone who doesn`t know what that is like, if you can imagine a hyperactive child and multiply that by ten and then factor in the frequent bouts of verbal and very occasional physical abuse, then you may have some idea.

I`m really sorry that you are suffering with your skin and the psychological impact of that too. I know myself that in terms of the physical aspect although cysts can be painful, they are not life threatening but in terms of the psychological aspect, it can really impact on your self-esteem and quality of life.

I never taken roaccutane myself so I don`t have any experience of that but I have been through a lot of the other issues that you are going through. You sound like you are going through a rough time at the moment - if you ever want to chat or vent, feel free to PM me.

There are so many different NHS mental health organisations/bodies such as Wellbeing Services, Crisis Resolution Teams, Community Mental Health Teams, Rapid Response Teams etc,etc and from my experience, they all fail to communicate with each other. There is a serious lack of joined up thinking. To actually get any of these people to acknowledge that you have a problem and need help is virtually impossible unless you actually attempt the "S" word. Although I`m depressed and very low, I`m fortunate enough to be in a rational and coherent enough state to be able to use the phone and fight my corner. However, I`m sure that there are other people out there that badly need help but are continually being fobbed off who are so ill or have such severe anxiety that they cannot use the phone or fight their corner in order to get the help that they need. It`s horrible to think that way but it does make you wonder how many people fall by the wayside just because they are unable to prove to or convince the NHS mental health people that they are ill and need help. The NHS mental health services really need a severe overhaul (and with that I`ll get off my soap box).

Breaking out a little on my right jawline today. Not totally surprised given the amount of crap I`ve been eating, lack of care with my cleansing routine and being very stressed.

As I was told to do so by my counsellor on Friday, I made an urgent appointment to see my GP today. Explained in detail how low I have been of late to the extent that I no longer want to be here. Was kept there for an hour or so whilst the GP made several phone calls. The GP gave me a 24/7 number to contact for the Rapid Response team if I get in a really bad state and sent me home saying that the Crisis Team (at least that`s what I think he said) would be in contact later today to arrange a time to visit me so that some sort of ongoing treatment plan can be put in place. Well it`s coming up to eight pm UK time and I`ve still not heard anything. The NHS mental health services in the UK really are pants and the last thing I really want to be doing in my present state is chasing my GP or whoever up trying to find out what is going on which is what I will probably have to do tomorrow. It`s not just me. I`ve heard of other people who have had massive problems getting the NHS to acknowledge their mental health problems. Sorry, I realise this last paragraph isn`t acne related - I just needed to vent.

I was staying with my sister and nephews at the beginning of last week. However, my sister works and my nephews often spend time with their dad so it`s not always possible to see them more regularly. Even if I`m in company, I can still get overwhelmed by negative thoughts so I`ve really got to find a way to deal with them period.

I`ve been a bit selfish and self-centred on here recently. Hope everyone out there is doing okay and if there are any of you currently struggling with acne or anything else right now, hang in there. It can and will get better and in the meantime, try to remember that it doesn`t define you or make you any less of a person.

This may surprise one or two of you who know how obsessed I am with diet normally but of late, due to being so depressed I`ve stopped caring for myself as much and I`ve been eating a lot more junk food. Although I do have some blemishes, surprisingly enough my skin isn`t anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be given the amount of crap I`ve been eating. Maybe I`ve been over obsessing all along and haven`t needed to be anywhere near as strict as I have been. Think the key thing I`ve learned is "everything in moderation is okay".

Up to an hour ago, I was having a better day than I have in a long time. I was going to stay indoors/in bed but my sister persuaded me to go out with her and my nephews today. My sister has recently divorced and she has been telling me of late that my nephews need me a lot at this time in their lives. Anyway, I went out with them and ended up having a nice day.

However since I got in an hour ago, all the negative thoughts, self-loathing, shame, feelings of repulsiveness and lack of self-worth are kicking in again. The thoughts are so bad that I`m actually experiencing physical pain in my stomach. Not only that, every mistake that I`ve made and everything that I`ve lost as a consequence over the years just keeps playing itself out in my mind in glorious technicolor. My sister is wrong - my nephews deserve a better uncle than me. Even if I`m a good person 90% of the time, there is a 10% element that is horrible and nasty (usually when I`m depressed and paranoid) and because of this I`m not worthy of and don`t deserve anything. I deserve to be sad and lonely.

Take those feelings of responsibility and use them to power your elimination of that 10% you don't like. Everybody is an idiot sometimes. Don't beat yourself up too much for being human.

The BP is slowly getting rid of my breakout

Thanks Spotthedifference. Just been speaking to a friend by PM and they have given me a massive reality check on the beating myself up front too which has really helped.

CarpeMomentum, right now I`m just looking to get through the next few hours and no more than that. I feel safe and in control right now but the thoughts of shame, self-loathing and self-hatred are still there and physical feelings that are present in my stomach are still there too. I`m pretty humbled and touched at the responses, support and feedback that I have gotten, especially bearing in mind that this is primarily an acne website. It has certainly helped me to get through tonight up to now. Wow, I never thought I`d hear someone say that I`ve done something amazing - I`m just about the most unamazing person you could wish to meet. However, if my predicament has helped people to come together and be distracted from their own troubles then I`m not only pleased about that but I`m grateful for their support. Thank you personally for your support tonight too.

Gunnke the best thing you can do is focus on the moment. I know for me when I start thinking about the future, wether that is hours from now or days the anxiety and depression can takeover. I find when I really really work to be in a moment and enjoy the good part of it I have a sense of relief. A relief for a moment is better than none at all. You are doing something amazing today, you are bringing a group of people together that don't know each other and helping us too to be distracted from our own troubles. Humans can be kind and I am thankful for you all today. Wishing you continued moments of positive thoughts, progress or just being.

Just wanted to say that I`m touched and a little overwhelmed at the amount of people who have PM`d me wishing me well. As you can tell from my earlier posts, I`m in a really bad place at the moment but the fact that some of you have taken the time to PM me to offer me support means a lot.

Thank you everyone, I will get round to replying to you - it will be a good distraction.

Gunnke, what if one day someone out there is about to cross a busy road, they don't see a bus coming and you're destined to be next to them at the time to pull them back from danger and save their life?

That's just one example. There are countless others that are also possible. You never know what life has in store for you. If nothing else, what about your sister and her kids? What will they feel if their brother and uncle were gone forever?

I hear what you`re saying Spotthedifference and in terms of the crossing road scenario or anything else that I may do in the future, I don`t really want to carry out my plan and I would like someone to save me if possible beforehand. It`s just so hard to think of an alternative solution right now. I had a counselling session this morning which was pretty horrific and I`ll refrain from going into detail on here because it`s pretty disturbing. The only good thing to come out of it is that the counsellor is going to make everyone I`m under the care of aware of the gravity of the situation and I`m under strict instruction to contact them or go to A&E if things escalate or I cannot cope.

I know on a rational level my sister and nephews would be upset if I wasn`t here. There is however a small part of me that thinks they and everyone else would be better off without me. Haha, I`ve spent many years disliking myself because of my skin and appearance - just wish that was all I had to contend with right now.

Edit: My counsellor has emailed me telling me what to do if I get really desperate. She has informed my GP, my local crisis team and two local A&E`s of my situation and I`m to contact one of them if things escalate. I`m pretty touched that she has gone to those lengths to help me.

As someone who is feeling pretty damn low about myself recently i urge you Gunnke to not give up. You may feel worthless unloved etc but as Spot the difference says there are most definatley people who will miss you even if you cant see it right now. Its good you have that support around it and please don't hesitate to use it or of course call the Samaritans etc. I think sucide thoughts self harm are a way of escpaing from huge pain in my experience but you have to think that if you die youre pain wont be gone as you wont be aware of any pain you'll just be dead. Theres so many things you can still achieve its going take a bit of time but you can get there.

I know this may not mean much, but just want to send some positive thoughts your way that you are not alone. Acne, depression and other disorders are lonely and can be beyond debilitating. I think the only blessing I can find from having this disease or whatever others may want to label it, is that we learn to be accepting, kinder and less judgemental of others, as we are SO judgemental of ourselves. I am an open ear whenever anyone needs to vent or share or cry about this all. It sucks and I hate wishing for days to pass by, not living life to the fullest, but I do whole heartedly believe we will all one day be in a MUCH better place. Peace and love and thoughts of comfort to you!

Lookingtothefuture and Carpemomentum, even though nothing much can help, thank you so much for taking the time to respond and tryng to lift my spirits. I`m in a desperately low state this evening and I`ve got all sorts of horrible thoughts going through my head. My sister actually thinks that I should admit myself into hospital. It`s a comfort to know that people do care and are looking out for me both in real life and online. Unfortunately my self-loathing, disgust, shame and hatred of myself just seem too overbearing right now. Physically it feels like I`ve got a concrete block lodged in my stomach and the pain is actually making me feel sick. My counsellor did a visualisation exercise earlier today and that lifted the feeling a bit but it came back almost immediately after the session. I`m losing my mind a bit too I think. I got a bus into town earlier and I totally lost track of where I was. Where I thought I was and where I actually was differed by about two miles.I cannot bear it much longer and I just want the pain to go. I`m such a failure at life and I always deeply hurt the people who get close to me that I do honestly think that if everything is weighed up, people would be better off without me. I`m thinking of going to A&E shortly because I don`t know what else to do.

Gunnke, Im sorry that I have to be short because im at work, but your sister may be right. Ive been where you are, and I know the feeling. I would self admit yourself. There you will be watched and be safe. They will also work w/ you to get close to back to normal as possible. Do not do anything rash. Contact someone immediately.

Thanks goodz19. Actually you good folks on acne.org are helping to keep me occupied and distracted from the thoughts at the moment. It was the same when I did the visualisation exercise with the counsellor earlier - that temporary relief only lasted a little while. I feel safe and in control at the moment but I`ll see how the evening goes.