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Things Every Mom Needs

With Mother’s Day just around the corner and my days occupied by diapers and tears and multitasking, I’ve decided there are a few things moms need. Inventors, get to it.

A Napper Zapper: The Napper Zapper prevents untimely dozing in the backseat. Whoever said “don’t wake a sleeping baby” has never been robbed of the heavenly afternoon nap time at home. For whatever reason, Bronson always falls asleep in the car (except when I’m counting on it), and when he does, his afternoon nap disappears like a mirage. This must be stopped.

A Two-Way Mirror Bathroom Door: My morning shower is my entire day’s allotted alone time. For that moment, my bathroom is my sanctuary. Then Ryan leaves, and there are no other adult eyes to watch the boys. If I shut Bronson out, how can I know he’s not smothering Oliver or drawing on the walls or splashing in spilt milk? The two-way mirror bathroom door preserves mothers’ sanity and children’s safety. Of course, it may be too tempting to campout in the bathroom all day.

Hangry-o-meter: Hanger is hunger-anger. I’m genetically predisposed to it and so are my children. I figure a red, noisy alarm ought to go off notifying my kids when it is not a good time to be irritating because Mom’s dangerously close to meltdown. Since my sons don’t fully communicate, I’d like to hook them up to a meter too, somehow tie it to their blood sugar. That way I can stuff something in their mouths before the yelling and crying commences.

Caffeine Pack: I have a new dilemma – I have two sons, two hands and a coffee mug. They already make backpacks with straws for water. Why not for coffee? Two sons means no extra hands and double the trouble and double the sleeplessness. I’ve got to caffeinate somehow.

Go-go gadget arm: I’m always on the other side of the room when Oliver spits out the pacifier he’s determined to reject. My hands don’t get there quick enough to prevent his sleep’s disruption. I need an arm extension, and I’d prefer that it be retractable.

Sleep Syncer: If Apple can sync the iPhone to our computer and our iPad and some cloud, why can’t they sync the sleep in our house? I would like Oliver and Bronson’s naps synced, and I would like their nightly sleeping synced to Ryan and I. Mostly, I would like sleep with the ease of pushing a button.

Diaper Genie: A real one, like in Aladdan, where I rub the wipes and wish for the genie to show up and change my child’s diaper. It can have limits, as long as I can use it for all blowouts and sonic smelly ones.

InstaInvis: I want to be able to disappear when I need to. When Bronson refuses to speak to an elderly woman at the grocery store and instead grunts and shakes his head and hands yelling No!, when both kids are screaming inconsolably at the library, when I realize I’m leaking milk in the doctor’s waiting room. These are moments I’d rather not have. With InstaInvis, I can simply disappear, leaving the awkwardness behind.

I don’t think these are too much to ask. I guarantee they’d all be Mother’s Day bestsellers.