Re: Talk about your troubles

Originally Posted by Kip

“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.”
― C. JoyBell C.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in that quote. By hating people in your past, you're continuing to give them power over you. You're allowing them to control you in the present. Let the hateful thoughts go and move on. When hateful thoughts enter your mind,
train yourself to think of something positive instead, or send the hated person mental good wishes. You can't change the past, but you can change yourself and how you look at the future.

This is good advice. It's funny, I used to think love and hate were opposites. Then it was explained to me that that isn't true - because for both love and hate, you have to be passionate about the person or thing. The opposite of love is apathy.

Re: Talk about your troubles

Feelings are ever changing. I felt combinations of love and hate for my ex-husband. I guess I was afraid what he would do negative to my life. And now I have combinations of love and apathy for him. So letting go lets you give up the hate I guess. And he would probably say the same of his feelings for me.

Re: Talk about your troubles

Holding onto hatred or bitterness doesn't affect the person it's directed toward. But it eats away at the person feeling it or holding onto it.

During the very end of my marriage & through my divorce my ex-husband did a lot of cruel & hateful things. I hated him at first & wished him some pretty bad stuff. I never did anything, but my bad wishes were very strong. I wanted evil on him.

After it was all over & done, I came to terms with things. I realized I knew not only the bad in him, but the good as well, & the somewhere in between too. All the bad was a part of my past & not my present or future. I left it behind me.
As far as any remaining love of any type, it was dead & buried. Nothing left. But I still had a degree of caring & concern for the person I was married to for all those years & the father of my children. That doesn't go away.

I chose to leave the hatred behind. There's no reason for it now. He doesn't affect my life anymore, so why hang onto the negative. Letting go takes time & introspection. I actually prayed for God to please ignore all the evil wishes I had made.

I now wish him well & happiness, just NOT with me.
He, on the other hand, still hangs onto all the bitterness & spite he can. He's only hurting himself. It's his problem, not mine.

Re: Talk about your troubles

My daughter and I fell out. It was an awful time, and she blamed me for everything that was and is wrong with her life. I had to let all that go, it ended up *eating away at me* I sometimes look at her, and I see the softer side that was, now she is bitter and never happy
The tears I have shed, she has no clue.

Re: Talk about your troubles

I was very jealous of my sister when I was growing up. I thought she was prettier than I was, more popular than I was, and my parents seemed to favoritize her. I was in my late teens/early 20's when I realized how much that jealousy was hurting me so I let it go. I tried to stopping comparing my life to hers and just find my own happiness.

Years later, my mom told me she and my dad focused more attention on my sister when we were younger because they were more concerned about her. She got in more trouble than I did and they felt I was mature enough to handle myself so they didn't need to guide me. They didn't realize I felt neglected because of that. It was good to hear from my mom that they didn't overlook me because my sister was their favorite child. She was the problem child!

Re: Talk about your troubles

Originally Posted by Fanny Mare

My daughter and I fell out. It was an awful time, and she blamed me for everything that was and is wrong with her life. I had to let all that go, it ended up *eating away at me* I sometimes look at her, and I see the softer side that was, now she is bitter and never happy
The tears I have shed, she has no clue.

I'm sorry Fanny. I know you know this, but as adults, it becomes our choice on whether we let our past define us or educate us. I had an ok upbringing, but my parents had issues themselves and so I had some struggles growing up. When I first started drinking, I blamed it all on my parents for the things they did when they were raising me. And then I grew up. I realized that I was an adult, and it was my choice the type of life I wanted to have now. I watch others who struggle and blame everything on their childhood (caveat that I am NOT talking about people who suffer abuse - that is whole different can of worms). Because as adults we are in charge and have the ability to change things and live life differently. We just have to be strong enough to take that path. I hope your daughter comes around!

Re: Talk about your troubles

Originally Posted by Fanny Mare

My daughter and I fell out. It was an awful time, and she blamed me for everything that was and is wrong with her life. I had to let all that go, it ended up *eating away at me* I sometimes look at her, and I see the softer side that was, now she is bitter and never happy
The tears I have shed, she has no clue.

{{{Hugs for you}}} As KatesMom said so well, it's now your daughter's choice in how she wants to view her life, and whether or not she wants to hold onto old hurts. But nevertheless, I know it's hard to see one's child unhappy, no matter how old they are.

Re: Talk about your troubles

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlet

Holding onto hatred or bitterness doesn't affect the person it's directed toward. But it eats away at the person feeling it or holding onto it.

During the very end of my marriage & through my divorce my ex-husband did a lot of cruel & hateful things. I hated him at first & wished him some pretty bad stuff. I never did anything, but my bad wishes were very strong. I wanted evil on him.

After it was all over & done, I came to terms with things. I realized I knew not only the bad in him, but the good as well, & the somewhere in between too. All the bad was a part of my past & not my present or future. I left it behind me.
As far as any remaining love of any type, it was dead & buried. Nothing left. But I still had a degree of caring & concern for the person I was married to for all those years & the father of my children. That doesn't go away.

I chose to leave the hatred behind. There's no reason for it now. He doesn't affect my life anymore, so why hang onto the negative. Letting go takes time & introspection. I actually prayed for God to please ignore all the evil wishes I had made.

I now wish him well & happiness, just NOT with me.
He, on the other hand, still hangs onto all the bitterness & spite he can. He's only hurting himself. It's his problem, not mine.

I love your post and I agree with every word. What I healthy way to look at your divorce and your life afterwards.
Even though like you my ex was terrible, if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have the fantastic son (minus his senior year and college attitude ), that I have. All the bad I have forgiven, cause he is worth every minute that I struggled through.