(If none of this makes any sense, go back and read my last post. It took the whole village—or maybe several villages, and at least several warehouses—but we now have one entire, undamaged fridge cart. If just the hashtag part doesn’t make sense, don’t worry about it. I’M A COOL MOM.) (I am so not a cool mom.)

With that squared away, the packing up for college continues apace. More accurately, the forced death march of room cleaning is happening. And lest you think “death march” is my usual hyperbole, let me just tell you that this weekend our AC went out upstairs (of course it did, because it had been almost two whole weeks since the AC died DOWNstairs) (but yes, I am very glad that two-story houses in the south have separate units so that you’re not trapped in hell when one breaks) and still I made Chickadee do some cleaning. We emptied out her entire desk while it was 90+ degrees up there, with two fans going. We ate ice cream once it was done, though. I’m not a TOTAL monster.

My kids are in a great place right now, both of them. If you’ve been reading here for any time at all, you know that’s a huge thing (and something I probably shouldn’t even be saying out loud, much less writing down). There’s always a part of me that’s going to be tender and prone to bruising when it comes to comparing parenting notes, though. So today at Alpha Mom you’re getting a brain-dump on what those of us whose parenting plans go awry struggle with, often in silence, and nearly always in private.

I have a lump in my throat because my daughter
(brilliant, top drug education contest winner) had a terrible teen hood. I used to brag on how she would never do this or that… Well, she did all of those and while she is now 28 and mostly self supporting, and is independent, I still struggle with all kinds of feelings from that time. When she and her only boyfriend ever had an unplanned pregnancy 5 years ago, I recall a now former friends comment. They decided to have the baby and, I chose to welcome this announcement with joy (much to my mothers horror, I didn’t force a quickie marriage as she did on my sister when she was 18) and love. Anyway, said friend, who knew that at the time my daughter had one boyfriend (10 years now), asks “So, who’s the baby daddy?” I was appalled and hurt, but kept quiet and distanced myself. I still run in to her, and she loves to brag about her kids who are perfect. Bright side: I have an amazing grand daughter! And I never cursed my daughter with the “I hope she is as bad as you were” as my mother did when I approached parenting a teen. I hope she is perfect, but it won’t matter, I will love them all just the same. Thank you for touching this point in this post! (Alpha website wouldn’t let me post my comment)

So… I am totally with you on your article except for one thing. People not judging parents of toddlers on their parenting when said toddler is throwing a tantrum on the ground? I wish that were true but I can for sure say there is a WHOLE lot of toddler-parenting judgement going on these days, around me anyway.. (And perhaps I’m feeling extra judged at the moment because I am currently on a week long vacation where most meals need to be eaten out with a 6, 3 and 1 year old. AHHHH send help.)

I think a lot of that judging comes from non-parents, but yes, of course. Judging happens all the time. I guess I meant more that we’re much more likely to cut folks some slack when it’s something we’ve been through, ourselves (and really, show me the parent whose kid never threw a tantrum like that and I’ll show you a bridge I have for sale), than when it’s something we assume will never happen to us.

Enjoy your vacation. Remind yourself you will likely not see any of those judgy folks again after this week!

I’m feeling it on the “kids not perfect” thing. I’m struggling with issues my daughter is having right now. I have a really good friend (“A”) who is going through worse, and A and I have a third really good friend (“B”) who is full of “helpful” advice.

B means well. But she doesn’t realize that the way our children turn out is not entirely up to us. B somehow thinks that her only child turned out well only because she was tough on him. In a way, I’m glad she doesn’t realize this, because it’s very important to her. But good parents have rough times with their kids, and “bad” parents somehow raise good kids too. Thinking we are in control of everything is a trap.

This, too, shall pass. I’m always glad to hear from parents whose children struggled through their teens and even 20s and are doing well now.

I left a comment on Alpha Mom speaking in my role as Mother of Amigo who is Blind and on the Autism Spectrum.
That said, we have started to offer encouragement when we run into families dealing with toddler tantrums. Those parents often feel judged, whether anyone judges them or not. We like to say, “We’ve been there! Take care.” or something similar. If it helps even one parent feel better, it’ll be worth it.

Thanks for writing that article, I totally agree. Even more insidious is how many absolutely wonderful people and parents end up going down the rabbit hole of self doubt and feeling like failures when stuff starts to go wrong. Life sometimes is random and cruel and unfair.