Thursday, October 20

My (sort-of) moment in the sun.

Clem Snide's "Moment in the Sun" from their Ghost of Fashion album, just plain makes me feel good. It doesn't hurt that, for once, I woke up on the right side of the bed and am (surprisingly) rather pleasant. (Don't tell anyone, but I think I'm even smiling!) Eef's "la la la la la la..." in his odd, somewhat shrilly voice is balanced out by his quiet expression of it being his "moment in the sun" by stating: "I'll share my problems with the world, pycho-sematically, I'll sing...to God and all his pretty girls. lalallalalla..." It's funny how he turns his problems into such seemingly cheerfullness, and sings his happy "la's" succeeding the expression that "hunger, war, and death is bringing everybody down." Well, pretty girls and the Wo/man above, it's not necessarily my moment (I'll leave that to Eef), but damnit, despite the hunger, war and (most recently) death...I'm feeling good today.

It's actually kind of a weird thing that I'm suddenly happy. (Those moods, they sure are sneaky!) This week, my car finally had had enough and decided it was time to quit. The clutch has been going for quite some time now, and well, it went. I was on my way home from work on Tuesday and after having it freak out in downtown Providence at a light for the second day in a row, it finally decided it wasn't going any higher than 2nd gear. After swerving some so the car wouldn't stall as I was following a truck going slower than what 1st gear should be for (I couldn't get it to downshift, either), I put my flashers on and pulled off. Shortly after, I commenced in a mental breakdown. I was not ready for the expense this would cause me, and the fact I would be forced to rely on others (something I have a really hard time doing...it's part of that whole independent thing I thrive on). Rob came to my rescue while I was waiting for the AAA guy to come help, and kept me occupied by spouting off to me about the idiocy that are his students.

So my car is now sitting in my driveway, waiting until I have enough money to get it fixed. All this comes when I finally decide it's time I suck it up and admit to myself that I just don't make enough to get by, and a second job it will have to be. Then yesterday, Rob comes to pick me up, and tells me some horrible news that a friend of his died the night before in what could possibly have been a result of him taking his own life. I'm not sure if I've talked about it much, but suicide has been something I have been unfortunate enough to have dealt with in my life more than once, so it hits a nerve when someone I have met or know through others takes their life. It conjures up painful memories and unanswered questions. Yet, somehow, even though I was thinking about my personal losses and feeling for Rob's friends, I woke up this morning thinking maybe my problems aren't so bad. Worrying about how I'm going to apy for my bills, my disinspiring career, and my never-ending indecision, are merely passing woes. I'm thankful to be alive, to be able to feel pain and saddness, and know I will get out of it, instead of being unable to see the light of happiness in the distance. I at least know I have a light, somewhere.

However, you all have been with me long enough to know these little bubbles of happiness don't last for too long. At least for now, I can listen to Clem Snide tell me that I had better pray that "I never wake up to find my dreams have all come true, cause if [I] get everything [I'd] hope for, then [he] will have to punish [me]" and be thankful that I'm able to feel. Even if feeling means being sad and scared, at least I can feel. My dreams are still out there, and although I may be a little off-course right now, I'm still on the course. And for today, that's something to smile about.