"Your weight, child, is going to affect every moment of your day — certainly your career. You're in an industry where you're going to be judged microscopically… Morbidly obese! That is not in question… Stop denying what is — Howard is telling the truth. Gabby, you are way too young to be this diseased." Just a reminder: Oscar-nominated actress Gabby has a part on a Showtime series with Emmy and Golden Globe winner Laura Linney; Susan Powter makes videos in her bedroom. [Perez]

Coming to a bestseller-list near you: JWoww and Ronnie of Jersey Shore have signed a deal to write a "guido guide." Never Fall In Love At The Jersey Shore will be published by St. Martin's Press. No word on what's up with Snookin' for Love. [NY Mag]

The Jersey Shore cast is preparing for season two with GTL and cases of hair gel. [Radar Onlne]

Matt Damon went to a restaurant in NYC and ordered nine chilled lobsters — which were not on the menu. "The restaurant made sure to make it happen," says a source. But he's such a good guy that Matt tipped $400 over the added gratuity! [Gatecrasher]

Despite what we heard earlier, Sandra Bullock has not contacted a divorce lawyer. In addition, her rep called the report that she had dinner with producers and discussed a project in which she'd play Meryl Streep's daughter "a piece of fiction." [People]

More on this in Midweek Madness: In Touch, which broke the Jesse James/Michelle McGee story, claims that Jesse not only had an affair with "Bombshell" McGee; he "trolled" the internet to meet girls and his ex-wife says, "He's a chronic cheater." [In Touch]

Michelle McGee is trying to stop the release of an X-rated video in which she stars. [TMZ]

Though we heard she'd gone back to work, Michelle McGee is not stripping right now. "She is laying low and trying to figure out her next move," her friend Mary Gussman says. And: "She actually had a small crisis - her vacuum broke and she's been trying to deal with that and clean her house." Oh yeah, that is a crisis! [Radar Online]

Oh wow. Deann McClung, who once worked for Jesse James at West Coast Choppers, says he forced her to have sex with him. Back in 2005, she claimed: "He forced me to have sex, kidnapped me, locked me up and threatened me. He ruined my life." McClung sued Jesse for sexual assault, battery and wrongful termination. He refuted the charges and called them false accusations. [Radar Online]

Another bikini-clad lady, Melissa Smith, claims she had a relationship with Jesse James — and by "relationship" we mean unprotected sex on his office couch. They first hooked up when he contacted her via MySpace in 2006 — a year after he married Sandra Bullock. Since the source is a weekly tab, more on this in Midweek Madness. [Star]

DNA test results are back, and Beyoncé's dad Matthew Knowles is indeed the father of a newborn baby named Nixon. The kid is not a crook! [TMZ]

The Kardashian sisters just love this skincare line that has not released any actual products yet! [ONTD]

Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian had "the talk." They've broken up but will attempt to remain friends. Good luck! [TMZ]

OMG Giuliana Rancic, shut up. She told a reporter that she is "definitely not pregnant," though she did mention she was eating a 3 Mustekteers bar. She also responded to Whoopi Goldberg's urging that she gain weight: "When she brought it up the day [I was there], fine, I get it, she's entitled to her own opinion. But that offended a lot of women because they emailed saying 'Whoopi made it sound like it was easy to have a kid, like gain five pounds and you'll be fertile.' I did gain weight, and I still didn't have a kid." Also: "I wasn't there, and she was at the roundtable with all the women, and she was like, 'It's not like she's an actress; she's on the red carpet, so she should gain the weight. Because I'm a reporter, I'm held to a different standard than an actress? It's almost like she puts actresses on a pedestal. I thought that was the most ridiculous statement I've heard on that show in a very long time. I lost a lot of respect for her." Newsflash! Actresses are put on pedestals — that is why they are called stars. Like the ones in the sky? [E!]

Kate Gosselin's "makeover" to appear on Dancing With The Stars cost $35,000? Is that $500 per strand of fake hair? [MSNBC Scoop]

Sources behind the scenes of DWTS say that Kate Gosselin constantly shows up late for hair and makeup and "no one wants to deal with her." [Gatecrasher]

Ouch: Kelly Osbourne fractured her elbow over the weekend when she tried to keep her dogs from fighting. [People Pets]

"Oprah Winfrey has settled a defamation lawsuit filed by a headmistress she had accused of performing poorly at her South African girls school, where some students claimed they were abused." Someone got paid. [AP]

Lindsay Lohan calling her father a liar? Business as usual. [Contact Music]

Twihards! Quit shrieking for Robert Pattinson! He fears for his ears: "I'm almost completely deaf anyway. So I'm worried. I'm very worried." [The Sun]

Avril Lavigne has been hanging out with ex-husband Deryck Whibley recently, but that hasn't kept her from getting cozy with Brody Jenner. [E!]

Sting, Elton John, Lady Gaga and Dame Shirley Bassey will perform together at Carnegie Hall, as part of the semi-annual Rainforest Fund benefit concert on May 13. [Reuters]

The plane involved in the crash that seriously injured DJ AM and Travis Barker was "defective" way before the two stars got on the flight. [TMZ]

Heartbreaking: Dennis Hopper is so sick from battling cancer that he weighs a little over 100 lbs. To make matters worse, he's basically broke. Ugh. [TMZ]

Dennis Hopper claims that his wife stole $1.5 million in art from his house "while I was extremely ill." [Page Six]

Puck from The Real World San Francisco has been hospitalized after a car wreck in which his vehicle rolled down an embankment and landed upside down in a creek. Puck broke bones in both feet, one hand, his neck, his sternum and his clavicle; his 8-year-old son was also injured. [TMZ]

"Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb of Today will co-host the 15th annual National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association benefit." They heard there would be booze. [Page Six]

Oh joy. Doug Reinhardt is getting his own reality show. With his sister. What the world needs now. [Page Six]

Olivia Newton-John will headline a two-day benefit at West Chester University in Pennsylvania; proceeds go to the nonprofit Amazon Center for Environmental Education and Research. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

Tila Tequila has offered to do a song with Lady Gaga and also "eat" her "vag." [ONTD via Twitter]

Folks in Centerville, Tennessee are squabbling over where to place a statue of Minnie Pearl. The real question: Is there a pricetag hanging from the statue's hat? [UPI]

"My generation is very unaware of the Runaways and what they did for music. And I was too. I knew who Joan Jett was, but I didn't know where she came from. There were definitely women who played rock music before them, but they were the first to present themselves in this aggressive, guylike way. It wasn't easy for them — a bunch of young, punky-looking, sexy girls coming up and dealing with these guys who have been mastering their instruments and rocking out for 10 years and [getting] all the girls they want." — Kristen Stewart. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

"Glenn Beck is a fucking asshole. I've met him. He called me the anti-Christ, and not about Avatar. He hadn't even seen Avatar yet. I don't know if he has seen it. I think, you know what, he may or may not be an asshole, but he certainly is dangerous, and I'd love to have a dialogue with him. He's dangerous because his ideas are poisonous." — James Cameron. [Reuters]

"I want to call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads. Anybody that is a global-warming denier at this point in time has got their head so deeply up their ass I'm not sure they could hear me." — James Cameron. [The Hollywood Reporter]

"I'll go on Sex And The City — damn straight! They're good looking ladies. Sex And The City 3-D — that's an awesome idea; a Jimmy Choo shoe coming at you! I'd go see that. I'd go see Charlotte in 3-D." — What is Sam Worthington smoking? [Mirror]

"I didn't want to sing in the film. We sang in the car once, but that doesn't really count. I didn't want to do a performance thing," said Cyrus, who also contributes two songs to the soundtrack but figures she wants to keep singing and acting separate from now on. I never say I'm not going to do anything. Then if I end up doing it, I'm going to get a lot of crap. 'She said she'd never.' you know? And I don't have time for that drama and people freaking out. But most likely, I'd like to stay away from music in films and do a little something less obvious." — Miley Cyrus on The Last Song. [AP]

"I had breast surgery over 10 years ago, taking me from a 32B to DD, which took a bit of time to get used to. I didn't want to go as big as that. It's nice that I don't have to wear a push-up bra any more, but I could have left myself alone." — Carmen Electra. (Didn't her boyfriend at the time, B Real from Cypress Hill, buy the implants for her?) [Contact Music]

"I don't love her new music, it's not the same [as her old stuff]. It's like Michael Jordan coming back out to play in the NBA. She is past her best." — Justin Bieber, on Mariah Carey. (!!!) [ONTD via Hollywood Life]