Tuesday, October 31, 2006

OK, this one is really gonna gross you out. I hate walking into a public toilet to find someone's shit still in the toilet bowl. It pisses me off royally.

So anyway, Sunday I was at the spanking new Digital Mall in Sec 14, PJ when I decided to take a whizz. I walk into the cubicle nearest to the toilet entrance and readied myself to do my deed, when lo and behold, inside the sparkling white ceramic bowl was the biggest pile of turd I had ever seen.

Instinctively, I headed for the door to choose another cubicle, but being the nice guy that I was, I decided to flush the john before I left. Simply because it was the decent thing to do.

I pulled the lever and watched a flood of water spiral into the bowl. Meanwhile I position myself for a quick escape should the water suddenly flood over in case there was a blockage. But no, the water flowed smoothly and rapidly and trickled to a stop, the bubbling and splashing now slowing. As I waited to see the result of my community service, I began rationalised to myself that there was no more a need to use another cubicle since this one was now clean.

But no. This was no ordinary pile of shit. This is shit from hell. Not only did it not flush away, it remained intact and in the exact same position I had first discovered it. It did not even crumble under the pressure of the water as regular shit usually does.

I looked at it, bewildered. The pieces were long and thick. While ordinary mortals' excrement resembled one of those large sausages, this one had the girth of a large cucumber. So large that it would have taken a large asshole to expel this gargantuan dump.

Who was the perpetrator? And for crying out loud, what in hell did he eat!? Did he suffer any injury to his ass at such a momentous task? Will his feces still be there next week? How will the cleaners clean this up?

Friday, October 27, 2006

Okay. For some reason, I haven't been feeling terribly motivated to blog lately but suddenly today, *fwoosh*, I am a blogging maniac! So expect a flurry of low quality, high quantity blog entries. Show some support, people! I'm on a quest for a personal best here.

According to my Fennel DVD Manager(the best damn Mac OSX DVD management software on the planet) I have 608 DVD titles to my name, of which 222 I have not yet seen. And I'm still buying them. So I figured I'll try and watch as many as I possibly can, y'know, to try and close the gap between the disks I have not seen and the ones I intend to buy. Anyway, the long holiday that was, was a fruitful time for this endeavour. Here's a quickie movie review:

CLICK [+]
Adam Sandler lands himself a remote control that controls his life in this comedy. I loved Sandler in Happy Gilmore and Wedding Singer, but this movie was only so-so. It's kinda like a pale version of Bruce Almighty which I enjoyed immensely. 3 out of 5 stars.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III [+]
In the third of the franchise, Tom Cruise's Agent Ethan Hunt gets married and his wife gets captured. It was pretty pretty well-paced but I hated the wussy ending. Screw Hollywood happy endings. Think of it as a sappy version of On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Minus 1 star for sappiness. 4 out of 5.

THE GRUDGE [+]
Buffy whatsername stars in this Hollywood remake of Ju-On. It was okay though not terribly scary. I dunno about you but why does the ghost crawls around the way it does in the movie? Seems to me like the director is just trying to force the shivers. Bleh! Almost the same premise as Phone, only less clever. 3 stars.

THE MATADOR [+]
After having watched him in a slew of Bond movies and in The Thomas Crowne Affair, Pierce Brosnan gives you a whole new feeling about him in this incredible funny movie as a "facilitator of fatalities". Hahaha... that slays me everytime I remember it. Two strangers in a bar, Greg Kinnear makes conversation by proclaiming, "Don’t margaritas always taste better in Mexico?" To which Brosnan replies, "Margaritas. And cock." That Pierce Brosnan is a funny guy, I tell you. 5 stars!!

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT [+]
Juvenile delinquent street racer buttmunch gets shipped off to Japan to avoid incarceration. There he does pretty much the same except he learns to drift. Cheesy story with great driving action. Vin Diesel appears in cameo at the end earning the movie one more star. 3 stars. Somebody should give Vin Diesel an Oscar. Hahah!

BASIC INSTINCT: RISK ADDICTION [+]
Ugh. I didn't even finish this. Partly because it was crap and partly because the DVD started skipping. Uncle Ho would give me a replacement on this one, but I couldn't be bothered with this drivel.

All light stuff, but good for unwinding. Next up, I'm considering a 007 Marathon - so that I can be adequately prepared for Casino Royale. Join me? :)

This year round, Jesse's finally grown big enough to fit into his very own little Baju Melayu and so we got him one. This little outfit was quite a deal given that traditional costumes usually cost a bomb during their corresponding festivities. Mae got the whole ensemble at Jalan Masjid India for RM45. Again, the boy refuses to have anything on his head, so no Songkok for him. Meanwhile, Roma's baju raya set us back RM120. What can I say, the girl's got taste.

As usual, we celebrated Raya with my god-daughter and her family. Mom, Elin is a true-blue Nyonya which makes her a kickass cook. Which also makes Raya at their house a sumptious affair. Which must be why kid-brother Shafiq is stuffing his face.

Look at that face. Mei-mei, the sweet little goddot, is gonna grow up to be a heartbreaker. As the godfather, I shall grow up to be a ballbreaker to all her suitors. Ya mess with da goil, ya mess wit da family... capisce? Whatsamatter wit you?

Anyway, it was a fulfilling Hari Raya. Despite being full, we were still filling our plates. Heh. Even Jesse approves. While we went about enjoying the food and festivities, the boy was raiding Elin's cookie jars. Aside from her famous Pandan Chicken, she also makes a good... erm... fried snack thingy.

So yeah, we stuffed our faces that day. At night we stuffed it somemore - with some seriously sinful stuffings of Pakistani persuasion. Watch this space.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Yes, it's been proven finally that TV is the best thing that has ever happened to mankind - and right in my household too!

"Look at the way he's blinking!"

As far as Mae was concerned, TV will blind her precious little boy. Not surprisingly, her mother shares the same sentiment. This bespectacled-since-young mother-daughther tag team are something of an authority on eyesight and eyecare. *ahem*

And then a few weeks back, Jesse scores one for the boys and our favourite pastime. After having watched hours and hours of TV, one fine day on his very own, the boy stands up and proudly recites his ABCs. From A to Z! Well, almost... he had trouble with Q and W... but still!?!??!!! He can also count from 1 to 10.

Anyway, he's going crazy with his newfound knowledge. These days you can't bring him anywhere without him wanting to stop and read signboards, parking lot pillars, t-shirts, etc.

"He'll spoil his eyes watching all that TV!" Mae still protests every now and then. "But he's learning stuff, honey!" And so Mommy has no choice but to let Jesse continue his TV education, while I... erm... make sure he gets a quality education. Like CSI, House MD, Nip Tuck and America's Next Top Model. Heh!!! BTW, it's just pure coincidence that all these shows have hot women in them. I'm really just into the educational aspects of these shows.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Heh! I know this probably isn't a very polite title when you're talking about your grandmother's funeral, but Grandma, or AhPor as we call her, would have seen the humour in this. She was a funny woman and you'll see her influence in the family. We're all funny, happy people. Besides, I felt it was important to set the tone that this isn't one of those sad posts, so no more condolences, please. :) Also, in case you're wondering why "tyranny", well, she used to beat the crap out of the most of us.

Here's a pictorial.

Everybody thought AhPor looks nice in this picture. But in all honesty, I never felt it captured the essence of the woman. A true picture of Grandma would have her with a rollie on her lips and her right leg propped up on her chair.

As far as Jesse is concerned, it was just another road trip. It was the departure of his very last great-grandparent. She was 91.

For the wake, they blocked up the whole of Harrison Street. Sorry folks!

The funeral was conducted by a Taoist Sifu from Taiwan. He looked like he came right out of a Bruce Lee movie.

As the Sifu conducted the proceedings, our boy decided to steal the limelight, running up to the front and making a spectacle of himself. Just look at that cheeky monkey! We'll punish him when he turns 16.

The day of the funeral was the most moving for me. It was for Uncle Ricky too. Of the whole family, Gran probably spanked us the most. Must be why we missed her most too.

Grandma wanted a celebration more than a funeral. She told Mom to keep things light, to tone down the mourning and to tune up the music. Mom hired a band of cool old guys who played plenty of Teresa Teng music.

A lot of of family had embraced Christianity and Grandma understood that some Christians had problems with jossticks. So she decreed that Christians would hold a flower for her. No arguments, no debates, no internal struggle, nothing. It's a nice little gesture on her part, I thought.

Unlike most traditional Chinese funerals, the Taoist sifu had us carry the casket onto the hearse. He felt that it was appropriate that loved ones do this. I think so too but my opinion doesn't count since I'm behind the camera while my siblings and cousins did their thing.

Grandma was laid to rest right next to Grandpa who left 15 years earlier. Despite her tough Clint Eastwood-esque exterior, she was hopelessly in love with Gramps so it was good that they're together again at last.

Grandma lived a long, fulfilling life. And she left behind a legacy of laughter, love and of course, pain-as-hell canings! Yeah, she beat the crap out of us all the time and yet we all loved her to bits. Still, as a precaution, we didn't bury any of her Rotans with her in case she decides to cane us someday in the afterlife. Heh.

What's The Story?

This is the continuing saga of James and Mae. And our little tykes, Jesse and Maddie. Brought to you in living colour. Presented in exciting Cinemascope and Sense-surround. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.