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Topic: 23 Days (Read 1501 times)

It's been 23 days since my husband died and honestly each one of them has felt like an eternity. It's like I'm just checking days off a calendar until I reach some magic number that need to pass before I 'feel better'. It's just so hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, and some tell me that it's only going to get worse once my subconscious catches up with reality. Tell me they're wrong. I can't imagine how this could get harder.

I wish I could say there is a magical number of days that you have to endure, then things will suddenly get better, but, sadly, widowhood doesn't work that way. I am not going to lie to you. You are in shock, and when that wears off, there are going to be some really hard days ahead, that you will have to face. In time, though (and the amount of time is different for everyone), you will start to find a few moments, where things feel a little better, than they do right now. The pain won't always feel so raw. Gradually, at least some things will get better.

Early on, I was advised to just take it one step at a time. I remember somewhere about 3-4 weeks after my Kenneth's death, I made the comment that it was really hard to take one step at a time, even if it is a baby step, if you are drowning out in the middle of the ocean, with waves crashing down over your head, and you can't touch the ground with your feet. A few wise widows/widowers farther out than I was told me that, when all else fails, just breathe. The teacher in the room next to mine is a widower, and every day that he saw me, he would ask me if I was remembering to breathe. I thought this was the most ridiculous thing ever, but it turns out that taking thoughtful breaths, where you are concentrating on breathing in and breathing out, really does help to ride out the worst moments.

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"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Hugs to you! I know this is hard...really hard. Torture, really. I don't know if it can get any harder than it is right now...it just sort of morphs for awhile into a different kind of hard. One thing about losing a spouse...we all experience things that are the same, yet different at the same time. My experiences of the loss of my two husbands have been very different for me. Sometimes, in the early weeks, we find some gumption to get some things done...like all the paperwork and funeral arrangements. Then, some of us go into a period where we can't do the things we were doing last week, but we can do different things. Last October, I had the energy to go through things in my basement. That phase came to a screeching halt and nothing has been moved since. But...I've taken on more in my school work and a graduate assistant position that could not have done in October.

So...hang in there...and keep breathing and drinking and trying to eat and sleep. We've all been where you are...and we made it past that point, too.

DeeDee, everyone is different. It is possible when the shock wears off it will get harder. For many people, myself included, this is what happens. I miss shock so much some days. However, never assume one person's journey will be yours. One thing I do know for sure is that no matter how hard it gets, you can make it through it, even when it is so exhausting and impossible. Let yourself feel what you need to feel.. your brain and heart will take care of guiding you the way you need to go. As that happens, we are here to listen no matter what you need to say.