Cameron “Stand up for Christianity apart from feeding poor people”

Prime Minister David Cameron has urged the public to follow him in his crusade to stand up for Christianity, apart from the bit about feeding poor people.

“We’re all for dressing up in funny costumes, singing dull songs on a Sunday morning and being pious. Coupled with that we can use our new found religious zeal to appease homophobia from within our own ranks and it gives us a good excuse to start a war or two. But these infernal hungry poor people are taking the edge of my Godliness, stopping me from feeling fluffy and ruining it all for everybody. I’m quite sure that if Jesus was alive today he’d want us to give huge bonuses to those hard working people in banks. If you read the bible, Jesus loved people who worked in financial services.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just had a wonderful religious moment. I’m off to recite the Lords Prayer. Apart from the bit about people having daily bread of course.” He added.

Former Secretary of State for Health, reality TV show person and baying harpy, Edwina Currie, has previously called for the church and food banks to stop incessantly trying to feed people. “Why has everybody suddenly got this obsession with eating? In my day if you couldn’t afford food, you ate coal. Well obviously I didn’t, because I’ve never been poor and I don’t really know any poor people. But when we in the Conservative party talk about how we imagine poor people, we all agree that they used to be happy with their lot. They used to sing more songs as well, and most knew how to tap dance.”