„Sir Humphrey Appleby: Hello, Bernard. I believe the Prime Minister wants to see me.Bernard Woolley: Yes, Sir Humphrey.Sir Humphrey Appleby: What's his problem?Bernard Woolley: Education.Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that now.Bernard Woolley: No, no, the education system.Sir Humphrey Appleby: I see. Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that either.“

„Sir Humphrey Appleby: If local authorities don't send us the statistics that we ask for, then government figures will be a nonsense.
James Hacker: Why?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: They will be incomplete.
James Hacker: But government figures are a nonsense anyway.
Bernard Woolley: I think Sir Humphrey want to ensure they are a complete nonsense.“

„Sir Humphrey Appleby: Bernard what is the purpose of our defence policy?
Bernard Woolley: To defend Britain.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.
Bernard Woolley: The Russians?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Not the Russians the British! The Russians know it's not.“

„It has been said, only too truly, that Plato was the inventor of both our secondary schools and our universities. I do not know a better argument for an optimistic view of mankind, no better proof of their indestructible love for truth and decency, of their originality and stubbornness and health, than the fact that this devastating system of education has not utterly ruined them.“

„Bernard Woolley: What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?Sir Humphrey Appleby: Then we follow the four-stage strategy.Bernard Woolley: What's that?Sir Richard Wharton: Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.Sir Richard Wharton: In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.Sir Humphrey Appleby: Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.Sir Richard Wharton: In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.Sir Humphrey Appleby: Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.“