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Sunday, September 07, 2008

On the campaign trail with Wally Crankset

BROKEN ELBOW METEOR NEWS

ZINCVILLE OKLAHOMA

7SEP2008

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH WALLY CRANKSET

Controversy swirls around the security detail protecting Dr. Wally Crankset in his campaign to be the Democratic vice-presidential nominee. This squad of tall, blond, young women have been dubbed "The Amazons" by Dr. Crankset's detractors. All of them are former flight attendants/cargo handlers from the defunct Amiracle Airlines which was based in Dr. Crankset's hometown of Broken Elbow, Oklahoma. When off duty, a few of them have been seen wearing the old uniform shirts with the "If it's on time, it's Amiracle!" logo that was well-known throughout the country.

Candi M., who asked that we not divulge her last name for security purposes, is the trainer and spokesperson for the team. She talked briefly with the Meteor about the squad after the campaign stopped here in Zincville.

METEOR NEWS: How did you get involved in Dr. Crankset's campaign?

CANDI M: I've known Wally...Doctor Crankset since we worked for the airline. Honestly, at first I didn't like him very much because he's a little bit odd, but once I got to know him, I realized he's a champion of women's rights. He truly values women and doesn't just say what we want to hear.

METEOR NEWS: Are you and your companions part of the United States Secret Service?

CANDI M: No, we're not federal agents. We're a private security company that was formed after Amiracle Airlines went out of business. We learned from them that we could do almost anything, and in fact, at Amiracle we did everything except fly the airplanes. This is a group of strong, very capable women. Moving into the personal security and executive protection business was a natural progression.

METEOR NEWS: How did all of you train to do this work?

CANDI M: I can't go into specifics, of course, but we're all certified under Oklahoma law to carry firearms. We train together as a team, running three miles a day, doing weight training, and we stay abreast of any changes in the law through regular classroom work. Several team members are lawyers and bankers, so we have a certain insight into sneaky, underhanded tactics. That's about all I can say about it.

METEOR NEWS: Can you comment on the rumor that the PGA had a role in the recent attack on Dr. Crankset?

CANDI M: Further investigation has shown that the PGA did not have any part in the attack. However, credible sources have revealed that the LPGA may have been behind it. As you know, the LPGA recently enacted a rule requiring that all the competitors in the Tour be fluent in English by the end of 2009. Of course, it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the No.1 player is Mexican, 45 of the 120 tour players are Korean, or that Annika Sorenstam of Sweden has been the face of the LPGA for more than a decade. Even worse is the rumor that they're going to institute a talent contest and both a swim suit and evening gown competition. Dr. Crankset has been very outspoken in his opposition to these changes, and it may have sparked some push back.

The security spokesperson paused here to crack her knuckles ominously and gave an unnerving, feral smile.

CANDI M: When this campaign is over, some of us are planning an informal meeting with those LPGA officials in order to persuade them to change their minds.

The Broken Elbow Meteor News will continue coverage of Dr. Crankset's campaign throughout the fall.