Frank commentary from an unretired call girl

A Whore in the Bedroom

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. – Robert A. Heinlein

Today’s column is for the ladies. Gentlemen are certainly welcome to read, comment and share the column with the women in your lives (if you dare), but my comments will all be directed toward the ladies and will therefore assume female gender. I’ve been thinking about doing this one for a while, but a few factors (including some emails I’ve received and day-before-yesterday’s column) have at last inspired me to sit down and actually write it. If any of my female readers have specific technique questions which I can’t cover herein without being graphic (sorry, guys), I’ll be happy to answer them privately via confidential email.

One night at UNO I was sitting around talking with several other girls, and when one said something about putting out for her boyfriend another replied haughtily, “I would never give a man sex unless I wanted it, too.”

Even back in those pre-professional days I considered that sort of attitude completely asinine, so I asked her, “Do you have a dog?” (knowing full well she did).

“What?” she asked, annoyed at my apparent change of subject.

“It’s a straightforward question,” I replied; “Do you, or do you not, have a dog?”

“You know I do!” she snapped.

“And you walk it every night?”

“Of course!”

“What if you don’t want to?”

“I still have to anyway, or she’ll go on the carpet during the night!”

“What if it’s raining?”

“Then my dad takes her for me!” The dumb bunny had no idea where I was going, but the smiles told me the other girls did.

“In other words, you care more about a dog than you do about a man.”

“How do you get that?”

“When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs, or else to arrange for someone else to do so. And if you shirk that responsibility, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable and foreseeable consequences.”

Unfortunately, this girl’s attitude is not at all unusual nowadays; women used to understand that men had sexual needs which it was a wife’s responsibility to provide for. But as I discussed in my column of July 21st, decades of lies and neofeminist propaganda that men and women are the same and that women should only accept sex when they desire it (and for no other reason) have done tremendous damage to the male-female dynamic; ignorant modern women not only feel that husbands should be satisfied with whatever sexual pickings their wives choose to dole out, however meager or restricted, but also refuse to understand that a starving man will seek food elsewhere if it isn’t available at home. Every escort hears it over and over again: “My wife doesn’t give me sex any more,” or “after the kids my wife lost interest,” or some other variation on it. These men have no reason to lie; they want us to understand that they are driven by need, and the sadness in their voices is unmistakable. The statement that “no woman should have to have sex if she doesn’t want it” ignores the simple fact that in today’s world a woman does not need to marry for support any longer, just as my silly schoolmate did not need to own a dog. Getting married is a free choice, and carries responsibilities with the privileges. If you refuse to take care of your dog you should give him to somebody who will, and if you refuse to give sex to your husband you should either divorce him or suggest he satisfy his needs elsewhere with your blessing. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too; a man is NOT a woman, and if you expect him to respect your choice not to have sex with him, you in turn must respect his choice to get it from somebody else.

Women who actually starve their husbands are in the minority, though; the more typical wife merely offers such repetitive and unpalatable fare that her husband simply loses his appetite for her cooking and yearns to dine elsewhere. One of my correspondents recently wrote, “I know so many women who say their men are apt to fall asleep in front of the TV or play on the computer all evening; sex seems to be not very high on their list of priorities.”

I replied, “Not to be mean, but what isn’t ‘high on their list of priorities’ is boring, repetitive sex with their dumpy, frowsy wives who sit around in sweatsuits with short hair and only want sex when they’re interested in the way they want it, and everything else is greeted with ‘That’s disgusting!’ or ‘You’re a pervert!’ or ‘I’m not gonna do that!’ Those same men are plenty interested in young-looking, well-kept escorts who have maintained their figures, dress in a feminine manner and will give them the kind of sex they want when they want it.”

When you’re done jumping up and down, screaming at me and calling me a bitch, sit down and listen to what I’m trying to tell you. I understand that some women’s figures go south after having kids and that it’s difficult to reclaim them, but I’ll bet most husbands understand it as well; that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ll use my own family as an example; I am the eldest of four sisters who all look much alike and started out with similar figures, though our personalities are all different. All three of my sisters had two children each; the third sister is most like me in personality and still looks hot at 41, the youngest is athletic and has a very trim figure at 40, and the second is fat and dumpy. The two younger sisters and I dress attractively and wear our hair in flattering styles; the second wears sweatsuits and “fat clothes” and chopped her hair off boy-short while she was pregnant with her first baby. Finally, the two younger sisters and I treat our husbands well, while the second won’t lift a finger for hers; though I’m not privy to the details of my sisters’ sex lives, does anyone here have any doubt whose husband is most likely to cheat? There are no great biological differences between us; it was the psychological differences which caused the one sister to stop trying, and her appearance mirrors her behavior. Every aspect of her dress and grooming screams “I don’t care whether you find me attractive or not!” to her husband and everyone else with eyes to see.

Just being overweight is not the problem, though many women love to use it as an excuse. Lots of men like plump women, and I daresay the average man whose wife has put on too much weight would still be happy with her sexually if she made every other effort to attract him. Don’t believe me? Turn off the goddamned TV, put down Cosmo and surf the escort sites on the internet for a while; you’ll find quite a few “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, women who are definitely fat but still make the effort to look nice and give men what they need sexually. Yes, a good figure goes a long way (and for most women is very sustainable with sensible eating and regular exercise), but dress, grooming and attitude go much farther, especially for a woman who has the advantage of already being married to the man she’s trying to attract!

If you want to keep your husband sexually happy the best advice I can give you is, get the word “no” out of your vocabulary! Any woman over the age of 16 should have noticed that all men are, to put it bluntly, perverts by female standards; as the picture at right reminds us, everything turns men on! Yes, a lot of what they like is weird or gross or nasty or even funny to most women; so what? Do you personally have to judge dog food palatable before you give it to your dog? As long as what your husband wants in bed doesn’t actually hurt you or give you serious doubts about his masculinity, what difference does it make? You’ve had his semen inside you hundreds of times, so why does it matter if he wants to put it on your butt, tits, stomach, face or hair sometimes? And trust me, I know better than you how it tastes; if you’re having sex for the flavor, you’re doing it for the wrong reason. He wants to tie you up? Let him! Great Aphrodite, you trust him with your life every day, so why is this different? Are you afraid you’ll like it? And why is it too much trouble to wear stockings and a garter belt for him? We all wore them every day until pantyhose were invented! You liked playing dress-up when you were seven; reclaim the fun and pretend to be a nurse or hooker or whatever it is he wants. You might enjoy it!

Even if you’re afraid of something he wants (such as anal sex), would it kill you to at least consider it? Don’t refuse him out of hand; think about it. Ask questions and do research on the internet. Work up to it by slow stages, and ask him to be patient with you; if all else fails, see if you can work out some kind of compromise. So his fantasy is to have both you and your sister? I don’t blame you for refusing to do that, but how about compromising by hiring an escort to be the other woman? Don’t worry, she’s not after your husband! She’s just there to do her job, which in this case is to allow the two of you to explore a fantasy which would otherwise be impossible.

Even if you already do all this stuff, your husband may still hire prostitutes; the male animal craves variety, and some are unwilling or unable to put that craving aside. Trust me, sister, this is not something to worry about unless you can’t afford it or it becomes an obsession (too much of anything is bad). He’s not going to leave you for a whore, and she’s a lot safer than an affair (as I discussed in my column of August 2nd). So if you do find out your husband has been occasionally indulging in the hobby, do yourself a favor and consider all of your options before having a hissy-fit and doing something you may later regret.

If all of this seems too difficult, you can certainly just keep on the course you’ve set, but if your relationship hits the rocks solely because you couldn’t be bothered to tend the wheel there is nobody to blame but yourself. In the final analysis you married your husband for a reason, most likely nowadays because you loved him. If you don’t love him any more, why are you still with him? And if you do still love him, isn’t making him happy worth a bit of effort?

1) No, it’s not just being a call girl that did it, because that would mean that any call girl could be a good wife, and we know that’s not true. It’s more that it’s *you.*

2) A little bit difficult for me to understand what it takes for the average woman to grasp the simple yet undeniable truths that you have presented. You state them from a combination of intelligence, aptitude, and experience. The women that I know in my personal life that *do* seem to understand this are all over 40, and have lost a man or three. Maybe that’s what it takes.

3) Somehow, some way, I’m gonna start some form of education for men. So that young men know exactly what to expect before they get married in today’s climate.

You state them from a combination of intelligence, aptitude, and experience. The women that I know in my personal life that *do* seem to understand this are all over 40, and have lost a man or three. Maybe that’s what it takes.

There is no teacher like experience, and painful experience is the best teacher of all. 😦

It’s interesting to me that on one hand, I absolutely agree with the idea of letting your husband satisfy his wants or needs elsewhere. If I ever happen to get married, I would put this clause in our relationship, so that either of us could have an opportunity to find something missing on the side if need be.

And personally, I too would consider any sexual request. My being a former escort may or may not have something to do with it… And then, I actually am a “pervert” myself – for example, I love to be tied up…

Yet still, something about the way you write it rubs me in a very wrong way. I guess we all have our limits. And the way you are presenting this column does not give enough consideration to woman’s limits. You are writing it like everything is about him, and keeping him happy at your own expense if necessary is the secret to a happy relationship… instead of it being about both of you, mutuality, discoveries – yet mutual compromises if necessary.

I come from a culture where if a man wanted something, you needed to give it to him no matter how it made you feel. Perhaps, that background simply makes me over-sensitive and I see it in your post while you didn’t really mean it.

“You are writing it like everything is about him, and keeping him happy at your own expense if necessary is the secret to a happy relationship…”

Oh mah gaWD how much do men do to keep women happy? A man can be paying the mortgage on an entire house and be relegated to a den, or the garage. After you get married, you get sex based on the points system; all guys know THAT’s true.
And if you don’t like anything she does, if she leaves, she takes half your shit.

Show me the mythological creature known as “The Satisfied Woman.” That’s right up there with the Loch Ness monster and Sasquatch, because there is no such thing. Show me a woman that doesn’t complain about her man all the time and I’ll show you that she’s a man in drag.
There is not a woman alive that’s in a relationship with a man, that on A MOMENT’S NOTICE can’t whip out a list that reads, “25 Ways *He* Needs to Change.”

So cry me a river if you have to fuck when you don’t feel like it; too bad men can’t pay child support or the mortgage or alimony or for engagement rings or anniversary presents based on how they feel.

Well, I don’t want to live in your world. I don’t want and will never be the woman your are describing, and play the games you believe all people must play.

It’s not about a “satisfied woman”. Any relationship about two people who care and respect each other, and find things that work for each other. Genuinely. Otherwise, why be in a relationship in the first place?

wow, Author. You are quite testy and sensitive. I think this is a valid point from a woman who expressed herself humbly and eloquently. I now agree with her. You are suggesting women give of themselves without regards for themselves. You are a misogynist. I would not have said that prior to reading our response to her post (which she did for YOU, btw, your ego needed it and she provided) as I agree with her, I wasn’t sure your point. I’m my man’s little whore and love it…he’s satisfied and I would never be frumpy nor would I say ‘no’ unless I had to for reasons I had no control over (like having to go to work to pay half the mortgage, my car payment, buy half the groceries). your response to this woman, one of your own, leaves me feeling dubious of your intellect and compassion and, frankly, your understanding of your own sex.

Show me a woman that doesn’t complain about her man all the time and I’ll show you that she’s a man in drag. There is not a woman alive that’s in a relationship with a man, that on A MOMENT’S NOTICE can’t whip out a list that reads, “25 Ways *He* Needs to Change.”

Scorch, that’s very exagerrated even for you. I know very few women who complain about their men even “often”, much less “all the time”. And I assure you they are not men in drag! And though I could certainly think of a few things about my husband that it might be nice if he changed, that’s not the same as saying I think he needs to change them. And there certainly aren’t 25 of them. I’m not remotely the only one who feels this way; I know lots of women who are happy with their husbands as is. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil; you know about all the bad wives because they whine loudly in public. That doesn’t mean we’re all like that; you just don’t know about the good wives because they don’t call attention to themselves.

I know this is an old thred. I actually stumbled across it while googling “what does it mean when a guy calls you a whore in the bedroom”.

I, for 1, am not a drag but a very sexual woman. I also will never have a list of things that my man has to change.

I satisfy my man quite fine in the bedroom. Every time. Evidently, I am the “whore” that he so calls me while in bed.

I do not necessarily agree that women should always have sex with their man when he wants it, however. Yes most of the time, we should. I do not always enjoy sex. I will be the 1st to admit it, but I will almost always put out for the one I love.

Happy wife, happy life; so the saying goes. It goes both ways. When your man gets his urges satisfied by his mate, he respects you, wants to flaunt you and makes him feel like you are his Queen in his kingdom.

I have learned to be very sexually advenurous. Sometimes I like it, others I dont. But he will never know that. He doesnt need to know that. In fact, he, for me, is a little in the dull side in the bedroom. Which leads to why I am here reading this article.

New years night was simply amazing. 3 hours and i put him to sleep with his cock in my mouth. He came a couple of times. There was anal and there was oral. There was me recording everything and I wore my cat suit. That was when he called me his whore in the bedroom. I have never heard this before. I am 37 and he is 42. We are not young but not old either.

I’m definitely trying to be confrontational in this post, Ingrid; as a retired escort yourself you know how clueless many of our amateur sisters can be, and I’ve found many modern American women won’t listen unless one really “shakes their tree” as it were.

I certainly don’t intend that anyone should think that marriage is only about the man; I don’t think your negative reaction is due to any oversensitivity on your part, but rather because you haven’t lived in modern American culture and don’t realize how bad it’s become for men here. Though my audience is international, this column was primarily intended for American women, and unless you’ve lived here in the past two decades it is impossible to explain to you how much of a sense of privilege the typical American woman has developed. It has become here the exact opposite of traditional cultures; many American women seem to believe that the marriage is all for the wife and nothing for the husband, that only her feelings are important, and that she has the right to ration or deny sex as she pleases and if he goes elsewhere because of it he is completely and totally in the wrong. This madness is producing lots of angry young men like the Human Scorch, who see marriage as a loser’s game in which the man is little more than an economic slave with few if any rights. And though his view is exagerrated and strongly colored by emotion, his grievances are as legitimate as those of the early feminists, and for the same reasons.

Absolutely, a woman is allowed to have limits; there are some things I myself won’t accept (see my column of August 16th). But it’s one thing to have limits (every escort does, certainly) and another to be nothing but a mass of limits. The typical American wife of 2010 won’t even consider compromise, then she calls her husband a “sex addict” if he goes to a prostitute for what he needs. It’s those women I’m addressing, not the good wives who already try to keep their husbands happy.

Very on spot description. I think the idea of compromising with a partner has become very skewed. Unfortunately, i have seen this same “unbalanced” or asynchronous in friendships between men and women as well. its not healthy and can lead to a lot of resentment later on. I myself have often joked about being nothing more than a paycheck, but it is a feeling that a lot of men have at one time or another.

“I’m not remotely the only one who feels this way; I know lots of women who are happy with their husbands as is. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the oil; you know about all the bad wives because they whine loudly in public. That doesn’t mean we’re all like that; you just don’t know about the good wives because they don’t call attention to themselves.”

Okay, I’ll accept that. That makes sense.

“This madness is producing lots of angry young men like the Human Scorch, who see marriage as a loser’s game in which the man is little more than an economic slave with few if any rights. And though his view is exaggerated and strongly colored by emotion, his grievances are as legitimate as those of the early feminists, and for the same reasons.”

Well…I’m thinking that:
-The only thing you have to do in a divorce to lose your kids is be a man, in most cases
-The wife still gets the benefit of the doubt, no matter who cheats
-As you yourself have said, Western Civilization requires that the man still pay for a household he no longer gets benefits from, and even if the women doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain
-Women marry for security, not looks; so her equity in the marriage increases over time
-American women no longer have to bring anything to the table, yet they still get full benefits once married.

-The only thing you have to do in a divorce to lose your kids is be a man, in most cases
-The wife still gets the benefit of the doubt, no matter who cheats
-As you yourself have said, Western Civilization requires that the man still pay for a household he no longer gets benefits from, and even if the women doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain
-Women marry for security, not looks; so her equity in the marriage increases over time
-American women no longer have to bring anything to the table, yet they still get full benefits once married.

…am I exaggerating with any of that?

No, you’re not exaggerating; that’s a pretty fair assessment of the legal climate. But you have to remember that it isn’t like all women conspired to make it that way; “no-fault” divorce was invented by lawyers to make money, and the rest was established by politicians to get the votes of selfish, unevolved women. That’s the problem with democracy; it eventually devolves into the moral equivalent of mob rule. You can’t judge all women by the lowest common denominator.

Thank you for clarification. It does sound sad and excessive, like a complete pendulum swing… I wish we could find balance, both as individuals and the society.

That’s one of the crazy things about American society, Ingrid; it’s always all the way to one side or all the way to the other, and never in the middle. Take abortion, for example; first it was completely illegal in all circumstances (even if the mother’s life was in danger), then it became completely legal for any reason whatsoever practically up until the baby’s head was coming out. And nearly everyone in this country still espouses one of those two positions; it’s like they’re all entirely bereft of even a shred of common sense. 😦

“No, you’re not exaggerating; that’s a pretty fair assessment of the legal climate.
But you have to remember that it isn’t like all women conspired to make it that way;
“no-fault” divorce was invented by lawyers to make money, and the rest was established by politicians to get the votes of selfish, unevolved women.
That’s the problem with democracy; it eventually devolves into the moral equivalent of mob rule. You can’t judge all women by the lowest common denominator.”

I hear you and I agree, but that doesn’t actually change the legal realities, that’s more what I mean. It most certainly doesn’t mean that all women have malice in their hearts, or even a desire to exploit the man.
My point is that, regardless….this is still the case legally, and if things go bad, as a man, you are screwed, unless you have enough money to merit a prenup. And then, it’s still going to be quite a payday for her.

So again, this is what I mean…*regardless* of the intent of the woman, the law works in her favor for no other reason than the fact that she’s a woman.

Why would a man voluntarily walk into that? At the very least he should understand what he’s risking.

So again, this is what I mean…*regardless* of the intent of the woman, the law works in her favor for no other reason than the fact that she’s a woman. Why would a man voluntarily walk into that? At the very least he should understand what he’s risking.

I wouldn’t advise any American man to get married until these laws are changed. If men started boycotting the institution and just hiring whores when they wanted sex, a lot of things would change pronto.

“I wouldn’t advise any American man to get married until these laws are changed.”
Exactly. This is what I’ve been saying, BUT I do agree with you that it’s wrong of me to assume/project malintentions onto all females just because they’re women.
It’s just that, as a man, I tend to be more bottom lined; security and not being alone aren’t what drive me as a man. So from a purely practical point of view, it just seems like a bad deal.

“If men started boycotting the institution and just hiring whores when they wanted sex, a lot of things would change pronto.”

It really would wouldn’t it? But now I’m curious…what exactly do you think *would* be the effect if men stopped getting married and started hiring whores?

what exactly do you think *would* be the effect if men stopped getting married and started hiring whores?

I think that first the politicians would start persecuting us even more than they do now, but once the Chicken Littles got ahold of the statistics they would start predicting doom, and then (and only then) the politicians might take note and start trying to repair the fractured institution of American marriage.

That’s fine for the men who can AFFORD to hire harlots. For the rest of us, it’s the dating game (which is also expensive). I know that if I were single and richer (I’m not talking Warren Buffet here, $40K a year would do fine) I’d probably hire professionals rather than drop back into the dating game.

But I’m not richer, so thank God I’m not single (legally, I am, but my sweetie and I are married in all but law).

wow, the comments seem to be longer than the original post. let me see if I can help that along some.

i do not begrudge women getting support from their husband if they divorce, as long as it is fair. I do not think that automatically splitting things 50/50 is necessarily fair, it depends on what was actually brought to, and done during the marriage. If one party pretty much just sat around the house, hardly did laundry, spent all sorts of money on extravagant things, and really never contributed towards the marriage itself, other than the occasional romp in the sack, I really don’t think that 50/50 is fair.

And before anyone makes an issue of it, I feel the same way if the roles are reversed (and i do know a few women who are paying their ex-husbands).

I think the real bottom line issue is that unlike friendships where people at least understand that they should be two-way streets and each party should try their best for the friendship or the friendship withers and dies, marriages often times just change from being a marriage, to simply being married. People stop trying so hard to please each other and become more like room mates, co-existing, but not really making an effort. and it’s not simply being so comfortable with someone that you don’t need to try, it’s more like being ambivalent. there are a lot of things that can cause that, and we’d end up using all of Maggie’s bandwidth if we discussed all of them.

sometimes i wonder if marriages should come with term limits, or only be valid for 5 years and have to be renewed on the agreement of both parties. now maybe that would mean that people are really only nice to each other from the 4th year on, but that still might be more than they are getting now.

I may not be as worked up as one of the other commenters, but i can see exactly where they are coming from and have some of the same experiences/feelings.

IMHO the main reason for the collapse of marriage in the US was “no fault divorce”. Previously there had to be a reason for divorce, and if the woman was at fault she got no alimony. But once American men were tricked into eating the “no fault” shit sandwich, that was a thing of the past; alimony, which was a good law in the days when women didn’t work and could be left in poverty by a husband’s desertion, became an entitlement used to buy the female vote, the fee for the legalized harlotry American marriage was officially turned into.

I have to disagree. no fault divorce isn’t the cause of marriages failing….marriages fail because people stop trying, or because they have changed as they aged, or because people weren’t able to get the other person to change into what they wanted them to be.

The problem isn’t that marriages fail; the problem is that a modern American woman can refuse to even try, and the divorce laws still allow her to walk away with half of everything because it’s “nobody’s fault”.

But by the same token, Maggie (and I’ll admit I’m not really knowledgeable with American marriage and divorce law), can’t a man also walk away from a marriage without even trying and taking half of everything? If the woman was wealthier than the man when they got married, he might even make a profit. Why does this favor only women?

Nope. In theory, most American states have “no fault” divorce, but in practice it’s only “no fault” when the woman walks. When the man walks, it’s treated as abandonment even though it isn’t legally supposed to be. 😦

Really? Even if the woman is independently wealthier? How come? What is the claim that can be made in this case but not when the woman walks? (Sorry if I ask too many questions — I understand you’re not a lawyer, but you got me curious.)

In cases where the woman is wealthier the man does sometimes make it out OK. Otherwise, judges tend to apply rules that were written in the days when 99% of women were dependent on men for support and divorce could leave them in poverty.

“The problem isn’t that marriages fail; the problem is that a modern American woman can refuse to even try, and the divorce laws still allow her to walk away with half of everything because it’s “nobody’s fault”.”

Several posts back (August 21st, Advice for Clients), I commented that, while I like kissing, I wouldn’t decide which girl to hire based on it. Then, for a joke, I added: ‘As long as she’s willing to wave a crystal at me and shout, “Moon Healing… ESCALATION!” I’m good to go.’

To top off the joke I added, ‘My girlfriend will NEVER do that for me!’

The girlfriend found out about that and, knowing it was a joke (I’ve never asked for such a thing), laughed. Then she got a serious look on her face and told me, “I’d do that if you wanted it.”

I gave her a serious look, and then grinned. “OK,” I told her, “say it: Moon Healing Escalation.” She wouldn’t, or couldn’t.

Now, this wasn’t in bed; we were fixing lunch and getting ready to watch an old adventure movie (The Land That Time Forgot, 1975). If it were important to me that she do this as part of lovemaking, she probably would, but she’d feel awfully silly.

So yeah, give your husband or boyfriend some variety, try new things, etc. But if there’s something that he really, really wants, and you just can’t or won’t do it, something you find really gross or so silly you can’t stop laughing, maybe it’s time to see if the household budget will allow an escort.

But first, I’ll need to buy that wig with the cute little buns and the long pigtails. Oh, and a crystal.

Just kidding. I think.

Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever asked for anything she wasn’t willing to at least consider. I’m sure I could come up with something, if I wanted to: “Darling, your pet cat is so beautiful. Maybe we could…”

What about giving your wife some variety Maggie? What about the men surprising the women with something outside of the man’s repertoire? Sheesh. In my vast, though obviously not as vast as yours, experience, individual men tend to be predictably one dimensional in their sexual repertoire. Like dancing, they know one way to do it and every woman with whom they dance must adjust to THEIR way or they are hopelessly lost. Plus they don’t feel any need to do anything different, because hey, guess why? we all bend over backwards to please them. It’s so boring. #justsaying

Interesting dialogue above, Maggie. I wanted to add a few things, though.

Even if the system really favors women (and I’d need a few more details to understand how exactly it does), as you point out it’s not the result of a female conspiracy to enslave men (as many radMRA’s would have you believe). In fact, in this ‘feeling of entitlement’, in this ‘marriage-is-only-for-the-wife’ situation, I see elements that appeared long before there was no-fault divorce, probably even before divorce.

Since the troubadors and throughout romanticism, women became an ideal of pure goodness that men had to show themselves worthy of–at least for the more ‘enlightened’ layers of the population. This created the ideal of ‘romantic love’, in which sex is the expression of this love (and nothing else), plus the corollary that, if you are in love, then you should only want sex with that one person you’re in love with and nobody else.

Well, clearly this is not true for most men (and I’d say it’s not true even for many women either). But to a large extent, both parties bought into it — men perhaps a little less, but still there were, and there still are, lots of men who are ashamed of feeling attracted to women other than their wives (‘does that mean I don’t really love her’), and women who agree with them (‘that means he doesn’t really love me’). And vice-versa for women with lovers, or married promiscuous women, or married whores ;-).

Now, what is interesting is that, outside of any “conspiracy theories” or “women have it so good and men have it so bad” interpretation, often enough both genders suffer. Here is one example from my personal experience.

Middle-aged couple, he is 50, she is 54. Intellectual background: he a professor in the local university, she a teacher of English in a community college. Very much in love: they do everything together, often kiss and hug, both love their kids (daughter and son, 18 and 14, both very intelligent and with obvious artistic talent).

Sex life was OK for over 10 years–she actually had a lot of appetite–but then went downhill, because she gradually lost interest. Gradually he found himself in a hell on earth, because his appetite was still very strong (and he’s a very active and energetic person, all his apetites, as far as I can tell, are above average). For years on the verge of cheating, but avoided it because (a) was afraid this would cause his wife to end up hating him (his father had cheated on his mother, quite scandalously, and eventually left her for his lover, leaving her alone with her three kids; he never forgave his father), and (b) was also afraid of shattering his image in front of his children, who consider him the best of all possible daddies. Finally ended up cheating, while at a conference, far from home; at first felt tortured by feelings of guilt and shame (‘I don’t want to turn into my father! I wanted to be better, to be ethical, not to break the heart of the woman I love!’); has slowly been learning to reconcile himself with the idea that it’s the only way he’ll be able to retain his sanity and go on being the excellent daddy he is to his children. But everything must be very carefully hidden: the children cannot suspect. It would be The End.

As for her… she noticed loss of interest in sex with apprehension. Tried to be get interested again. A treatment here, a drug there, get advice from this or that friend… but it doesn’t work. Tries to satisfy her husband, but it’s clear the she isn’t into it, and this paralyzes him, and also her. She feels sorry for him. Seeing these attempts go downhill, she gets nervous, and at some point suddenly stops trying, and kinda avoids the topic of sex altogether. Looks at him and can’t meet his eyes, gets nervous, starts blaming anything on earth, from her mother to her father-in-law. Becomes acutely aware of other, younger women showing interest in her husband — he’s a university professor, there are lots of young pretty students there making sweet eyes at him. She feels old, unattractive, unworthy of love. Projects on husband, starts blaming him: ‘Why are men like that? Why don’t they value love?’ But she’s intelligent, and she can see this is obviously not true: her husband loves her. Feels anxious, trapped, sees no way out. Insomnia, a little asthma, sudden fears. Vaguely more-or-less indirectly gives permission to look for other women ‘but I don’t want to know anything!’ (DADT…).

At this point, Meggie, I feel so sorry for both of them–you see, they’re both in pain. It’s not simply “she’s exploiting/demanding too much from him”; she does want to see him happy, she is in pain, too; but the ideas they have about love, about sex, about their interrelation and what they mean — ‘if he goes to others then he doesn’t love me…’ — have left a strong mark on both of them. Feminism or no feminism, marriage laws or no marriage laws, these two are suffering from the results of cultural messages that are at variance with reality… Now they are clearly much less happy than they used to be. They live with this Big Elephant in the Room that they don’t mention to each other but which both wish would go away. She looks nervously at the young female students and wonders which one he’s eventually going to leave her for. He feels like a dirty pig and longs to grow old fast, so that his desire will decrease and will no longer be a problem; he welcomes every new white hair.

And both of them are otherwise wonderful people, Meggie. Both of them. And their kids.

I don’t want to just say it’s the fault of feminism, or divorce law, or of a legal system that favors this or that gender, because things were complicated already before all that, and unless better information reaches people and makes them abandon irrational fears, it is not going to change even if feminism and the legal system become fully gender-equalitarian.

I’m not denying that there may be injustices in the legal system that give too many loopholes to certain persons. I’m not saying Scorch is wrong. I guess what I’m saying is that this is a very long process, based basically on wrong ideas about what men and women are and want, and that these last few developments — the ones you and Scorch protest against — are only one small part of a bigger whole. A god damn basic cultural misunderstanding that turns the sweet into sour and makes life harder than it had to be for men and women.

Perfect sense. What you’re talking about is natural, if regrettable; what the legal system does is not. It’s the difference between dying of natural causes and purposefully given poor food so the victim will die of malnutrition, or even worse pushing him off of a cliff.

Yes, you very much are making sense. But you’re talking about something different than what *I’m* talking about. I’m talking about the legal and social realities that slant the marital institution to favor the female in the mix. What *you’re* talking about, especially with your example, is the natural arc that lifetime hetero relationships go through, which have less to do with legal realities.

I agree that the introduction of the romantic notion that basically says “Pussy is the Nirvana of life” causes some very deep societal problems. Because people really do believe that…men have always had the need for variety, tho, but once you get women believing that, it becomes a problem for those that remain immature. Because immature women want to believe that they are so bewitching that their husbands will, for the rest of their lives, only want *their* pussy, which we know isn’t true. Like Twilight, or Buffy.

Both genders are re-energized with the introduction of a new lover, at any age…this just seems to be a fact of life.

I think there are a lot of wrong beliefs out there, Scorch, the most damaging of which even antedating feminism by a long time (the ‘I love you’ = ‘I only want sex with you’ fallacy, for both men and women, which I think started already with the medieval Minnesänger, went through romanticism and landed now in the ideas about ‘relationships’, both in their pre- and post-feminism version).

I wished people would get off their high horses and sit down and talk and try to understand each other, rather than trying to project ‘big-picture’ social schemes on each other. I wished people would look at each other like individuals and start thinking about what each of them wants instead of thinking about ‘what women want’ or ‘what men want’.

Which is not to say that American marriage and divorce law may have problems. It very well may. (By the way, Scorch, you seem to speak with pain in your voice when you talk about this topic. Are you divorced yourself, or did you have to survive through someone’s divorce?)

Sorry for the “Meggie” instead of “Maggie”, by the way. I should spellcheck more often (and write more slowly!)…

Sure, you’re right. It’s just that, to hear Scorch speak, I wonder if some people think all problems would be solved if the system were fairer. They won’t. Maybe bad people will have fewer encouragements to exploit good people, and that’s a worthy goal; but men will go on suffering in bad marriages like before, and so will women.

On another note… It seems to me some of the women who speak like this girl you talked to — the one who said she’d only give sex if she herself felt like it — imagine that it’s somehow metaphysically wrong to have sex if they aren’t aroused. Maybe they think it will be painful (one woman in an online conversation with me in a discussion forum once claimed that she simply could not have intercourse unless she was aroused; ‘it would be too painful otherwise’, she said). Maybe they think it will be emotionally wrong (‘if we don’t have the ideal situation of “simultaneous love and lust”, then it isn’t a fairytale anymore!’ — see how many people in America quasi-fetishize the idea of two partners having simultaneous orgasms.) Or maybe they think if they give sex without wanting it then they are somehow being manipulated or defrauded — ‘something is being taken from me without compensation!’ says the typical American… I.e., maybe it’s not simply that they think “men are bad and need to be kept under control”, but some sort of misunderstanding or misguided ideas that could be dispelled by an open and honest discussion.

“It’s just that, to hear Scorch speak, I wonder if some people think all problems would be solved if the system were fairer. They won’t. Maybe bad people will have fewer encouragements to exploit good people, and that’s a worthy goal; but men will go on suffering in bad marriages like before, and so will women.”

No, I totally get that. If you read more of what I say, what I’m actually an advocate of is education, and legal realities that require proper responsibility. Basically the absolute opposite of the way we do it now.

But I of course understand that it couldn’t solve all the problems…I meant moreso that
1) People would have a very clear idea of what they’re walking into, not a movie/porn/romance novel idea
2) Responsibility would be taken if and when infidelity or a break up occurs.

As to the rest of what you said, it’s just a reflection of the extension of the propagation of ignorance about real human sexuality that pervades American culture, which is one of the things that I’ve been greatly appreciative for learning about from Maggie. There’s a lot of money in fantasy, so it’s not going to change any time soon.

American Men & women in general simply do not understand the simple yet complex forces that tend, *tend* to drive their own respective genders, and definitely not the opposite sex. American people also refuse to accept any other form of relationship outside of lifetime same age heterosexual monogamy. That’s a HUGE problem.

Isn’t it often said that the stuff we learn in highschool — biology, set theory, the capitals of all states — isn’t really what we need to navigate through life; whereas some essential information — how to obtain and keep a relationship going, what the real differences between the sexes are, how to respect each other’s individuality without simultaneously drowning one’s own…

Indeed. But at least we can strive to become ourselves aware of these questions, and form opinions about how to solve them. We can also help our children learn to think for themselves. That is worth something.

It’s a cyclical , self-destructive couple problem . Among your sisters, I suspect the dumpy one has a submissive husband. Among your clients with “my wife lost interest” complaint, is a wife who wishes she was aroused by him, but simply can not be aroused anymore because he lacks any sexual polarity.

A prostitute could coach her client to be more dominant, assertive, and lead in the marriage.

It is much easier for you as a stranger to project some modicum of sexual attraction onto him. You don’t see him in his more common socially inept, passive/aggressive castrated form.

It’s totally a cyclical problem, as most relationship dysfunctions are. There is no way in a venue like this to help couples which have descended into this ugly dance; what I’m hoping is that a few readers might recognize themselves before the decline has gone on for very long or to avoid marrying a “bad fit” in the first place.

It is much more difficult for a husband to remain sexually attractive to his wife, than vs. versa. Duh.

Marriage itself can be a castrating experience for men, and then the spiral begins downward.

A husband could jolt his wife back to attractiveness if he worked out, lost weight, acted dominant, provided well and protected his family, fended off financial predators, was funny, flirted with other women, etc. Just Be SuperStudly Man 🙂

Again, I think women WANT to be excited by their husbands, but many many husbands sink to undesirable levels.

Yes, I agree; of course, that “acted dominant” one is the real spanner in the spokes these days. It’s very tough for a man to maintain that with all the constant social pressure to surrender his balls. 😦

First, Maggie, let me thank for such a breath of fresh air. Not only was it refreshing to hear a woman speak with such frank honesty about the responsibilities of women in a marriage, but it was also nice to see a woman that knows who Robert Heinlein is before I give introduce it to her 😛

I have been married twice. The first time should have been the last, but war and all things being what they were, it wasn’t. The second relationship was pretty much exactly what you described. When we met, she was a hard working charismatic young woman in good physical shape and a firecracker in the sack. Now, six years later we are getting divorced, she weighs more than I do despite being almost 8 inches shorter, she hasn’t worked in years, the sex had become almost non-existant, and quite frankly I just could not stomach her ignorant, arrogant, lazy, selfish attitude anymore.

After much discussion with my ex-wife(a conversation that came up about 20 minutes before I read this) I realized that a lot of it was my fault. Even though I fulfilled my obligations to provide for my family, help out at the house, and all of that, I should have made her toe the damn line years ago when she first started her crap. Instead, I let my desire to simply not hear her petulant whining or viral bitching, and the fear of losing our children, keep me from speaking up when it was needed.

I really hope the next generation gets your advice and it sinks in so they can avoid the same mistakes.

As for the rest of the problem, I think a lot of it stems from the concept of marriage being a possessive institution. To hell with that. Marriage is a social contract that says I will take care of you if you take care of me. This divorce racket has nothing to do with the benefit of those involved. The only winners are the lawyers.

Women, forget Hollywood and use the gray matter between your ears. No one owes you love any more than you owe it to them. No one owes you support any more than you give it in return. If you don’t want to work your ass off helping to create a good life for a family, then for gods sake don’t get married. Trust me, far better to just find a friend with benefits then to ruin another person’s life and your own because you are to stupid to realize that a contract has to benefit both parties or it is worthless.

You’re welcome, Tony! It is my considered opinion that the government needs to get OUT of the marriage business; marriage should be a contract between two people whose rights and responsibilities are spelled out in the contract, and divorce should be handled under contract law, not the foamy sewage called “family law” which uses vague concepts to arrive at concrete numbers.

Women and men alike fail to realize that the things they did to attract their mates are the very things they need to do in order to KEEP their mates. A woman cannot simply say “I’ve got him, I don’t have to try anymore.” She cannot let her looks go and expect her man to react the same way.

I have been married twice. The first one was really good. I was married to a wonderful man, who I loved more than anything else(still do, if the truth be told). But I didn’t do my part, and I realize that. He joined the military after we married, so he did his job. Ours was a case of being young and idealistic instead of knowing the harsh realities of life.

My second marriage was not ideal. I suffered from severe depression that my husband didn’t understand(but I did get help for, and overcame). He stopped exercising, and when he yelled, he thought a simple “I’m sorry” would erase everything and he wouldn’t have to change his actions. We filed divorce papers last week due to irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.

Thank you for telling women the advice that they need to hear in order to keep their men happy. I wish I had gotten that advice back in my first marriage. I also really enjoyed the Heinlein quote. Take care, and I plan on reading your blog often.

I love this blog!
Reading this post, I can’t help but feel that my ex-husband must be an unusual case.
When we first met, I was thin, cute and had a great job while I attended night school. I lived alone, rode a motorcycle and made more money than he did. I had never met anyone like him – he swept me off my feet. He would have flowers delivered once a week, he would make me romantic greeting cards, etc. Really, I had never dated anyone like him.
When we first slept together, I had no idea he was a virgin because he was enthusiastic and seemed to have an idea of what he was doing. Imagine my surprise when he revealed that I was his first!

About nine months later, he lost his job and was in danger of having to drop out of school and move home – about 600 miles away. I offered to let him move in with me, used some contacts to get him a much better paying job and married him a few months later.

The first two years were a lot of fun. I loved to dress up for him – corsets and costumes. We videotaped ourselves and tried almost everything.

We had a plan and I quit my job to go to school full time. Unfortunately, the less-active life of a student meant I started packing on the pounds. I could hardly believe it – I had never really had to count calories or work out before – but here I was, fat and with bad skin. In some ways, I guess it was just as well. At least I wouldn’t have an opportunity to indulge in temptations of hot co-eds.

After I graduated and landed a terrific job, I got serious about my body. I lost all the weight I had gained, plus more. My skin cleared up, I grew my hair out and even dyed it blonde to please him (I was blonde as a child, so it didn’t look too weird).

I prided myself on *not* being a nag. I didn’t want to have my husband’s balls in a jar on my nightstand. I encouraged him to go to strip clubs and have a good time. When I got laid off, despite being depressed, I still maintained our apartment, dressed nicely and kept myself attractive.

But all of that was for naught. It would seem that he actually wished I would nag him or boss him around or something. Even though all his friends and co-workers complained endlessly about their wife and kids (something we had discussed and wanted no part of), he appeared to feel left out.

He began an affair with a newlywed woman a few years older than I. Two months later (I was totally ignorant of his affair) he suddenly asked for a divorce. He told me he never wanted to marry me, that he’s been miserable for years and that he didn’t want to be married at all.

He married his mistress shortly after our divorce. They now have a child too, despite the fact that he got a vasectomy in year #3 of our 8 year marriage.

It sounds to me as though you were too good for your ex, and he felt he didn’t deserve you; obviously, he was right! Some men are intimidated by exceptional women, and the fact that you got him his job may have nagged at him. There may have been other issues, too; that was certainly the case with my ex!

Though divorce is painful, in the long run you will find a man who appreciates you and has the balls to be honest with you.

At the time, it was awful – truly the worst experience ever, and I’ve been through some horrible crap.

The last six years of marriage were rough, partially because I was in school full time, but, and I don’t know this for certain, but he seemed to resent doing the work thing until it was his turn to go back to school.

After graduation, it was 2001 and it was like the world was coming down around my ears. 9/11 happened, then Enron and Arthur Andersen and then I was laid off. I worked at temporary jobs and contract positions, but I couldn’t find permanent work.

He developed a really nasty attitude about the household budget, too. We weren’t just living paycheck to paycheck, we were living paycheck to every other paycheck. See, the original plan was that he wanted to go into electrical engineering and/or software engineering with a focus on robotics. After taking a few classes at community college, he came home and announced that he changed his mind and wanted to be an actor!

I tried to take that in stride and so a lot of his free time was spent at auditions or rehearsals for plays, networking with film students, etc. I never bitched about his erratic hours; but his sudden purchases of trendy clothing (which we couldn’t afford), headshots, costumes, etc. would conflict with necessities like utilities and rent. He would pull money from the ATM to “go blow off steam” without telling me. It got so bad that the property management company informed me that they would no longer accept checks from us – we now had to have a cashier’s check drawn to pay our rent. *sigh*

In the end, I had a real attachment to being the “cool” wife and I accepted some pretty shitty behavior from him to maintain the title. When he left, I was unemployed with a sick, dying dog and had $50 to my name. Months later however, it was like a curse had been lifted. I was able to find work, I finally had money in savings, I bought myself a car, I started dating again – it was very nice.

Now that you’ve told that story, I’m even more certain he didn’t deserve you! And I know what you mean about a curse being lifted; people like your ex are real-life vampires, sucking up emotional energy and money to sustain their unnatural lives. His mistress did you a favor, and I wish you the very best of luck in finding a GOOD man! 🙂

Thank you, that is very kind of you to say. She is absolutely welcome to my sloppy seconds. 😀

And I have CL to thank for my fantastic boyfriend. You know what is funny? All my friends told me to put personal ads on sites like eHarmony and Match. They said only hookers place ads on Craigslist. So – I made them a wager. I would post the exact same bio & profile on one of the mainstream sites and one on CL (only difference would be no pic on CL) and see where the quality responses came from.

I got a number of responses from both ads (around 30 each). The ones from CL had obviously read my ad and only those who matched my *ahem* tastes and interests replied. You know the other site? Every single one of the respondents, save one, met none of my requirements. It was like they simply saw my pic and emailed me. *groan*

My BF and I exchanged a lot of emails, then texts and instant messages and then phone convos before meeting in person. We took one look at each other and well…have been together ever since.

I’m sorry this happened to you, Tonja. But if he wasn’t happy with you, eventually you would not have been happy with him. I won’t speculate on what he was unhappy about; how would I know? But now you are free to seek happiness elsewhere.

Thank you, that’s nice of you to say. I couldn’t really tell you what he was unhappy about either. Perhaps he didn’t know himself, he was just so addled with infatuation for his mistress that he couldn’t bear to be with anyone but her.

I think I had been unhappy for years, but I was too numb, or resigned to keep my vow to do anything about it. It’s all good though – it’s over now and I’m free to seek my fortune elsewhere.

You definitely sound like a wonderful woman, and definitely an exceptional one.
It sounds to me that it’s a case of him not really knowing what he wanted, or who he really was. Without a sense of identity or direction, it’s not possible for a person to appreciate what they have.
It takes a fully realized, confident man to stick with his wife through the inevitable changes of life, and his behavior also seems erratic, almost teenagerish.

If he *said* to you that he didn’t want to be married, and then he *got* married, he sounds like someone that’s ‘in love with love.’ He might just like the newness & the excitement of the beginning of a relationship.

But nothing is more telling than someone marrying their mistress, who herself was newlywed. I’m shaking my head at the karma that’s coming his/their way.

I wracked my brain for months after he left, trying to figure it out. He never was a “think for yourselfer” and was influenced by whomever he was hanging out with at the time. Before he started school, his friends were all married men with kids and mortgages and in-laws. I think when they bitched about their responsibilities, my ex wasn’t mature enough to recognize that even though they were venting, they still loved their family and wouldn’t give it up for the world.

He met his mistress at some student film rehearsal he was doing. It turned out that their workplaces were close and he started pursuing her – calling, emailing, asking her out for lunch and coffee, all under the guise of “going over the script” or whatever.

She was engaged to this gorgeous man who seemed fairly successful. They married and went on a three week honeymoon. When she got back, an email from my ex telling her he missed her was all it took for her to take up with my husband. He obviously loved the thrill of screwing around behind my back – he would take the risk of sending her emails from the internet cafe where we had Sunday brunch, for instance.

They were only having an affair for two or three months when he told me that he wanted a divorce. Somehow, he talked her into filing for divorce as well. I ended up talking to her husband who seemed determined to move on with his life as quickly as possible. Too bad we couldn’t just exchange spouses – he was so pretty. Abercrombie and Fitch model pretty. *swoon*

So, yeah. I think in general that the original article is correct. It’s also one of many reasons I never wanted to have children – I loved my husband too much to do that to him. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I wanted a playmate and a companion and a confidante in addition to a permanent date/sex partner and I didn’t want to have to divert my attentions to kids.

Anyway, I mean, if he left when I was still fat and in school, I could totally understand. There just aren’t attractive clothing choices when you’re a size 16. I did my best, but some days, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do better than sweats and a ponytail because I was trying to cram my head with studies and work three jobs.

But no, he left when I was a cute, blonde size 2. Sure, i had no job, but I was still receiving unemployment. I just don’t get it.

And yeah, he married his mistress almost as soon as he was legally able to do so. He even took her surname. I don’t know if he had a reversal of his vasectomy or if they performed some other procedure to suck the sperm out of his balls – but he now has a kid. He was fired from his job and is now an unemployed househusband.

A house husband who took her surname? There’s your answer, love; he’s a submissive male and was uncomfortable with your catering to him. He needed a woman who would control him and push him around. You’re DEFINITELY better off without him!

I’m no psychologist, but I think a lot of this sort of self-defeating behavior comes from things that women get indoctrinated with at a young age, things that are extremely hard to root out of one’s programming even if one is trying. A lot of women literally _can’t_ turn off the “oh, I must be ladylike, and s-x is unladylike” reaction; it’s down deep not far above things like toilet-training. Kind of like how some English people literally _can’t_ help reacting negatively to the wrong accent or dialect, even if they really want to overcome that reaction.

Men get indoctrinated with a lot of crap as well, but not on this front.

And if a woman’s first experiences aren’t all that enjoyable, she may well find it easier to just blow sex off as much as possible once she’s got the Ring of Power on her hand, and count on the way the divorce courts favor women to keep her husband at least nominally married to her, unattractive as she may let herself become and shrill and unpleasant as she may be to him.

That’s true, but women at one time understood the responsibility to provide sex, and that if they didn’t he’d get it from whores. Many modern Western women believe that they should be able to totally control the sex without repercussions or their husbands’ straying, which is childish and unrealistic.

I loved the article and completely agree with trying new things, right up to let him hire hookers. yes men AND women will find love elsewhere when being ignored at home, but cheating solely cuz u need variety..disgusting

I agree with all of this considering your neglectful demographic, however, I have the privilege of enjoying a man who likes to be teased a little and it has been fun to create 4 play games that are coy beyond reason and keep things scintillating by starting the very “no” that I have never been this short to give because this 1 likes to be kept on his toes and making him earn it a little but fully satisfying the outcome makes for a world

I hope it’s OK to be responding to such an old thread – I stumbled across this blog last night, via Feminisnt, and have been reading it with great interest!

I want to thank you for your integrity, tolerance, and compassion in discussing the minefield topics I have encountered here. The concrete experience of someone like yourself seems to me immensely valuable.

The nearest I’ve come to the world of sex workers (that I know of) was secondhand, via a very insecure male friend who tentatively asked me whether I approved of his planning to go to one. This was several years ago, in Israel, and he said that she/they were Eastern European immigrants working from an apartment in our neighborhood. I certainly didn’t feel qualified to answer that one! But I tried to do my best with it, telling him I certainly had no problem with his or their choices, nor do I believe that anyone else has the right to interfere with said choices. I also strongly recommended that he behave like a decent human being at all times, regardless of whether they did or not – both for the sake of his own conscience, and because if he didn’t and I found out about it I certainly would have nothing more to do with him. I wondered whether he might not be getting into a dangerous situation, but given that I had heard no rumors about such a thing and that he wasn’t at all afraid in spite of having a very timid disposition, I went with my gut feeling that it would be OK. And indeed, he had a very positive experience, and went back regularly 🙂 which seemed to help him a lot. So, based on this comprehensive and scientifically rigorous survey (LOL), a lot of what you have written about the reality of sex workers makes sense to me. I didn’t know exactly what to think of it at the time, but here in a completely different place I have found parallels, which means that it wasn’t just an isolated phenomenon.

Anyway, I actually meant to ask a question about the topic of this specific thread – I’m still trying to absorb all that you’ve written about gender sexual differences (so incredibly important – but I think my brain may explode!) I’ve always agreed with what you’ve written here about taking care of one’s husband’s needs, but I’m having some technical problems that I don’t know how to solve. I want to have sex for him even if I’m tired or whatever, but my body doesn’t cooperate – specifically, my vagina stays completely dry, which makes it quite painful 😦 I can do oral, anal (with lubrication), or whatever else he dreams up, but he isn’t too happy about this indication that it’s “duty sex” – and I can’t seem to find my “on button” 😦 If you don’t mind me asking, do you know of anything I can do about this?

Hi, Pam! I’m so sorry that it took so long to get back to you; last Monday I was really pressed for time, trying to get my Links and “That Was the Week That Was” columns ready early because I had to go out of town on Tuesday for a law symposium where I was asked to appear on a panel. I have reminded myself several times to come back and answer you, but I’ve only just caught back up!

I’ve always been on the dry side, and have carried a tube of lube in my purse since I was 16 just in case. Obviously, you must not have that problem when you’re excited, so your husband notices if you have to lube up; that’s not an issue I ever had, since I needed lube either way. That having been said, in my pre-commercial days I still found the experience a bit nicer if I could get into it; so when my first husband (Jack) would ask if I were in the mood and I wasn’t, I would reply, “No, but you go ahead and get started, and I’ll catch up.”

Now, if I couldn’t there wasn’t much way for him to tell, and that makes our situations a bit different, but I still think you can take a leaf from my book there. How do you think it would work with him if you were just honest? “Baby, I want to make love to you tonight, but I’m tired so my engine is cold; why don’t you help me warm it up first so I can get ready for you?” Something like that. Make sure you assure him that it’s not that you aren’t interested, but rather a physiological thing; most men do like foreplay anyway, so it’s likely he won’t consider that a hardship. Now, I’m assuming here that there is something he can do which will get you wet even when you are tired; if that isn’t the case there are two other options. The first one is, is there any fantasy you have which never fails to get you going? Because thinking about it while you’re getting ready for bed might put you in the mood and make you more physically receptive. If that doesn’t work, there’s the brute force approach: a vaginal moisturizer like Replens. This is really intended for menopausal or perimenopausal women or those with issues due to medication or the like, but its non-hormonal so there’s no reason it shouldn’t work for you. It’s very long-lasting (the Replens brand lasts for three days), so he doesn’t even need to know you’re using it; if he hints at sex or you just suspect he’s going to want it, you could sneak off to the lavatory and use it, then even if it’s hours before the two of you are intimate you’ll be ready to go.

Do let me know if one of those solutions works for you; if not we’ll see if we can’t come up with something else! 🙂

My turn to apologize for this late reply – I’ve had an overwhelming week, sorry! Of course it occurred to me that you might have more urgent matters to deal with than my email 🙂 I hope your law symposium went well – I have no doubt that you did an excellent job!

Thanks so much for your kind and detailed reply. Never had anyone I could talk to about these things… The Replens sounds interesting, I’ll have to check whether it can be used with my birth control method (diaphragm & Gynol). I have breast cancer on both sides of my family, so have never dared to use hormonal methods. I would love to have a tubal ligation, think it would help the spontaneity of our sex life immensely, but he doesn’t want to hear about that at all (sigh).

In the meantime, I’m thinking that the honest communication you’ve suggested might work – your phrasing is wonderful 🙂 Perhaps it will allow me to convert the dryness issue into a technical rather than an emotional problem. He doesn’t mind using lubricant for anal sex – it helps him too – so maybe that can be gently extended to cover my less-aroused moments if I say it right. Good foreplay can get me started even when I’m exhausted, but it tends not to last long, especially if he starts doing the around the world thing LOL! That usually turns into a fairly painful endurance event…

Fantasies are another fascinating topic that I know little about. It did occur to me to wonder whether it might be useful, but I haven’t yet figured out how to make it work – having other people in my head is kind of confusing. Could you by any chance give me some pointers on that? Dreadfully undefined question, I know 😦

If I had to give a woman just three pieces of advice, this one would definitely be one of them as it relates to understanding and satisfying men long-term. The second would be about choosing men well (i.e. not jerks who will not appreciate you no matter how good you are. With exceptions like Tonja’s case, these men are quite visible and don’t just appear like werewolves after the first wedding night). The third would probably be about looking after your body and being kind, sweet and feminine, thus greatly increasing the chances of actually being picked by a man with options.

Halle Berry’s husband cheated on her. I supposed it’s because she was wearing sweats and she’d gotten frumpy? The latest study out, and from what I’ve seen countless times on Jerry Springer, is that the “other” woman is often much less attractive than the wife. I’ve also attended many a group of Sexaholics Anonymous to know that the wives of most of these men were either not denying them sex at all – or they were denying them sex because they knew they were cheating on them with hookers or easy women who could give them a lethal disease. If you look at Tiger Wood’s wife – are you going to tell me he cheated because she’d gotten frumpy? To tell a woman that unless she gives a man all the sex he wants, when he wants, however he wants, with no regard for her feelings in the matter at all, simply because if she doesn’t she’s going to have him cheat or leave her is sexual blackmail and extortion. It also sounds like all a relationship boils down to is sex. I’ve seen plenty of men in completely sexless relationships out of love, companionship, a sense of being needed, even tradition or family ties. Anyone who believes that married men cheat because their wives aren’t having sex with them or don’t understand them are obviously only listening to the married man’s “rationale” behind what he says he’s doing it for. 9 out of 10 times when you examine the situation from both sides – you’ll find his claim is bogus or there were underlying reasons for the situation. Instead of listening to a mistress about how to keep your husband at home who only knows what cheaters tell her when trying to get her into the sack – one should listen to the words of women who have kept their men happy at home. I’ve found those women have a lot more to say about it then simply to “wear makeup, stay thin and give him all the sex he wants” because that doesn’t keep a man at home if cheating is what’s on his mind. Nor would that make him buy a prostitute. Because the type of guy that would buy a prostitute vs. having an affair with someone are two different things entirely. If one is doing it to pump up his self-esteem – he certainly won’t get that if he’s having to pay for it – but only if it’s elicited out of a woman freely. Again, if Halle Berry’s husband would cheat – it’s not about attractiveness nor is it always the woman’s fault

what I’ve seen countless times on Jerry Springer, is that the “other” woman is often much less attractive than the wife.

Seriously..Jerry Springer?..
That crap is staged and pathetic…!!!!

Being a married man of 23 yrs Jody..Let me tell ya what its about!!!!!…
Men want respect..Women want Love..Plain and simple..( YES..Men need Love too) But A guy doesnt want to hear it every day..” The proof is in the Pudding” As they say..
Some women get it..Some dont?….My wife of 23 yrs has totally forgotten what Love is..Its not keeping the house clean..Not cooking some fancy gormet meal..Its holding hands..and snuggling…Having a quicky because you cant stand it anymore!!!!…
I bought her flowers once a week for an intire year..( Didnt do any good) ….Walls have been built up…You get tired of tearing them down! …It has nothing to do with me wanting her to dress a certain way…Or be some body she isnt?…Its about “TRUE LOVE”…Where did it go?..
Halle Barry could be the biggest B**** there is?..You dont know that?
Its NOT about my ego…If I wanted to have Sex with another woman??…Trust me..I COULD…

Well. I just have to weigh in here Maggie, better late than never. And perhaps I am an exception to your rule (of which, BTW, I’m sure there are many). Before I got married, I had many partners and a more-than-healthy libido; I had also worked in a sex shop (and thus I had no fear whatsoever of being experimental). I was ready, able and willing most of the time, and I dare say the kind of whorish partner many a man would have been delighted with (as was my ex-husband for about 18 years until I became an even more amazing version of my former self and our relationship dynamic changed dramatically). In fact, for the first decade of our relationship it was a standing joke amongst our friends that no matter what time of the day they called, we would be found in bed. Yep, we pretty much fucked a decade away. That said, I wonder where in the contract is the part that says the man must also fulfill his wife’s needs? Once I stopped putting ALL the effort in and expected a little bit of effort in return, suddenly the sex tap got switched off. Surely this is not the one way street you make it out to be and if it is, then I must call fowl! I think what @Jody says above makes a whole heap of sense. To blame wives of men who turn to whores for sexual gratification is too simplistic. There are as many factors at play as there are individuals in relationships.

I have to agree, Susan. Add to this that a man’s erection problems increase with his age. Honestly, when I get to be 75, I’m not certain I want to be spending an hour “down there” trying to keep my aged lover’s dick hard, let alone work it to climax. I have read the ” My prostate!” boards. Not a pretty picture. (No erections, immature erections, penis pumps, incontinence, etc.) Weird. They can t get it up; but they are still trying to score. “I” would be scanning the escort’s service page!

I’m not saying women don’t have their own issues. We do; age and the accompanying loss of vitality and beauty is a reality. I feel women are more shamed by it than men. (Hence, the reason to lie about one’s age or weight is more prevalent in women, but I’m starting to see it in men.)

As far as men not straying if the wife is home playing with him; I believe that to be “a mistress tale”, much like “the wive’s tale”…. Pure rubbish. I like the famous Chris Rock line, “Women need a reason, men need a place”. Give a man power, money, a big ego…his testosterone will do it’s bidding. One only has to look at famous and wealthy men to know that men will score with whatever is thrown his way. It isn’t because the wife doesn’t “put out”. Men cheat on girlfriends who ARE putting out.

Maybe the average Joe never gets attention from a woman…and his wife is sick of his non-romance…he is certainly sick of her attitude…she shops, he turns to porn or escorts. I would imagine escorts hear “the wife won’t have sex with me, she is too fat, she isn’t interested” etc. I think there is a cause and effect going on; and it isn’t easy to finger where to put the blame. There
are also numerous households where the wife makes as much if not more money than her husband. Sooo…she isn’t a succabus, or whatever another poster called it. Maybe she is cheating on him, and doesn’t want to deal with his limp dick small dick gross dick issues and THAT is the reason she grew cold. Just saying.

I’m not saying your advice is wrong, Maggie! It is all very true…but men need to remember to romance. She gets bored, too.

As a man I tend to agree with the writer of this article, It is seldom a woman nowadays writes with such honesty and candour and such deep understanding of a mans needs. Certainly a man can be as romantic as anything but when the wife becomes a shrew of a woman, constantly berating him and threatening him with legal action and just treats him as a piece of crap in his own domain he has every right to find a good professional.
In Europe, other than Anglo- Saxon countries, it is accepted that when a woman cannot because of health reasons or some other reasons “do it or want to it with her husband” he then has a good Lady friend who is a understanding professional in that department. But then again In most European marriages there are certain ground rules a man or woman agree on before they are married!
With all the rules and regulations that are now made by the politicians regulating code of conduct of men in marriage and how men should treat a woman, it is now no wonder that men refuse to commit to a marriage and would rather use the services of “paid entertainers” to meet their needs same as you get the services of a good chef or housecleaning services. It is women who have painted themselves out of the picture with all their demands. Thank again for a wonderful article

I agree with a lot of this post but not everything. This is hypothetically speaking since I am not married, but if my husband were to be unsatisfied with our sex life I wouldn’t want him to seek it elsewhere. That defeats the purpose of marriage in my humble opinion but to each his or her own I guess. I instead would look within myself and ask myself “how can I improve myself and in that, how can I be a better lover for my husband?” I don’t get the whole mentality people have of being unable to better themselves. “Oh well if you want good sex, seek it elsewhere”. I mean I could never accept that type of deal and don’t really get too much as to why others do that. Wouldn’t you want it to be the person you supposedly love so much to be the person you get sexual gratification from?

I was always the type of person who strives for improvement and personal growth in every relationship I go into. I believe in always reaching for the stars and being the best I can be, not “settling for less” in this sense. If there is something for me to improve, I’ll happily embrace that challenge. It sucks as humans to see the errors in our ways and our personal flaws, yet for me personally I strive to become a better person for today and tomorrow than I was yesterday. Being a better lover for my lover is just one of those possible things. Now with this being said, I will admit to caring less about my performance and such with my ex boyfriend merely because he actually discouraged me a lot and “didn’t see the light in me” so to speak. Then again, that is because he didn’t treat me as well as I thought at the time (did do nice things for me but just didn’t seem to be as into me as he lead me on into believing). POINT IS, why can’t people learn to be brutally honest with themselves and change themselves for the better?

This may or may not be tmi for some people but when I was 17 I was actually anally raped by my high school sweetheart. I didn’t report it to anyone for a multitude of reasons which I won’t delve into as it will deter from the point I wish to make. During a sexual encounter with my now ex of 2.5 years who I mentioned in the previous paragraph, he accidentally poked my butthole briefly and the past trauma immediately surfaced and made me curl up in a ball. Naturally, this was upsetting for both me and him. I then told him about what happened and was very understanding and felt saddened by it. After that incident I thought to myself “You know, it is unfair that I’m holding myself from him and essentially punishing him for something he didn’t do.” Because of my having thought about this, I decided to ask him if he’d like to try it with me so that I could get over that traumatic experience and have more positive feelings about anal. I believe confronting traumatic past experiences in better circumstances can greatly help overcome the aftermath feelings. I gained a lot of respect from him because of this. I also commend myself now for taking the steps I felt were necessary to better myself and to feel better about my past experience. With that being said, it is not my thing to this day but I don’t feel traumatized if an accidental brushby occurs.

The reason why I shared my rape story and the aftermath is because I want women to realize that it really does pay off in the long run if we see the errors in our ways and step outside of ourselves. I can greatly relate to those who feel scared about having encounters and thus may have little or no interest in sexual relations afterwards because of that fear or whatever. However, I still believe that we should try to help ourselves so that we’re not punishing the ones we love who didn’t do anything to hurt us. We are doing ourselves a major disservice if we do not seek to improve ourselves I feel. I would never marry someone I couldn’t see myself having an awesome sex life for at least most of our lives together.

Thanks for the quick reply and for your kind remarks, Maggie 🙂 I wanted to share that story with other people to prove the point that we really need to step outside ourselves sometimes to see how we can improve ourselves, not necessarily how to fix the other person. I think that when people stop trying to be attractive for their SO, they are really giving up on themselves as well. If people want to see change in their relationships they need to first look within themselves is how I see it.

I think you make wonderful points about at least considering ways for experimenting with our sweethearts even if it means stepping out of our comfort zone. With that being said, I wouldn’t push for something like a threesome or something that could deter one to give up their values. I am one to be open to experimentation as I love novelty but at the same time there are just some things that go too far.

With my story and how I overcame everything, I also think it emphasizes a lot of what you’re trying to say (putting in that effort to satisfy our partner’s needs even if it may mean stepping outside the comfort zone).

I have been married for 16 years and just recently found out my husband has been having affairs and hiring prostitutes the entire time. (over 200 and over $50,000) (And yes I was working everyday of our marriage, and raising kids.) He has lost/spent all of our money, lost our home to the IRS because you spent the tax money on hookers and given me an STD.

All for sex.

What is so G– Damn important about sex that you lose everything in your life. He has lost his family, his home, all our money, just to get off ?????

I am sure he told every hooker and mistress the same sad story,…you know my wife doesn’t want to have sex, she has let herself go….blah blah… that was all a lie.

Before I found out what he was doing all I knew was that he was always dissappointed in me. I tried everything , 30 days of sex everyday, romantic weekends, etc. All he did was throw that in my face by saying “well you were just doing that, you didn’t really want to have sex with me” What a justificaiton to tell himself he was entitled to sex. You know how much hookers really desire him. I am sure all the moans and the Oh Oh Oh’s those excited those 24 yrs old hookers yelled was real…not. But that is what he compared me to.

Did I mention that when we married he was 5″11 and 180 lb, he is 5’10 and 280 lbs now!!! I have gained 15 pounds in 16 years.

I am in shape, very attractive, affectionate and very sad that I wasted 16 years of my life.

Point is don’t believe these “johns”, they lie to the hooker, they lie to their wife and most importantly they lie to themselves.

I have learned the hard way it is not the wife’s responsibility to make sure her husband gets sex whenever he wants it. It is a mutual act and needs to be something you both want. If not, he is simply using you to masterbate and you are letting him. This is my body and I don’t have to let someone “in” it unless I want to, husband or not. Too many years of being used have made me see that after the fact.

So, if we get married we have to assume the role of the “hole” whenever they need it? That makes you a possession to be used. Why can’t we be given the same respect you are asking us to give our husbands? Why can’t they respect our sex drive? Why does the husband get to use this an excuse to hire a hooker? Oh my wife said she doesn’t feel like it, so what else can I do, poor me.

Sorry but after being the “good wife” and giving my body to someone that later I learned had no respect for me or marriage I am very bitter and distrustful.
If I had shown more respect for my own body at least I would have that to hold on to after his sickening life.

Women don’t listen to this crap….if your husband cheats that is on HIM. He always had the opportunity to talk to you, to divorce , to separate…..cheating is NEVER an answer. If he is so shallow that he doesn’t like how you look now, maybe that is the only reason he married you and you should feel lucky if you find this out about him so you can RUN RUN RUN.

You don’t ask someone to enter a monogamus relationship and then cheat unless you are a self-centered cowardly scumbag.

I’m sorry to hear about your experience, Denise; it sounds like your husband was out of control, which is never good no matter what the activity. I do want to point out two things, though: 1) unless he was seeing really unprofessional, desperate types, he almost certainly got that STD from one of his unpaid affairs, not a pro. 2) We know that clients lie; it really makes no difference to us, any more than it makes to bartenders.

As for your closing statement, I appreciate where you’re coming from, but if you define roughly 70% of men as “self-centered cowardly scumbags”, I respectfully suggest your definition is a bit too broad to be useful. There is a moderate, sensible way to get extracurricular sex, just as there is a moderate way to drink, and equating the majority of clients with a man who loses his house through uncontrolled spending is exactly like equating a social drinker with an alcoholic or a casual gambler with one who…well, loses his house.

I am very sorry to hear that your 16 year marriage ended horribly. I can relate to being cheated on and getting an STD as a result of it, although I was with this person for 2 and a half years. With this being said, I realized why he did (and yes I made mistakes). Some things were not really in my control, as I was to relocate to another state. He has pretty bad abandonment issues because of most of his relatives disowning him and his family after his grandfather died over money.

Of course, there were some things I could’ve done differently. For starters, I could have been more supportive of him at times. I’ll admit I can be rather “tough” and am more likely to give constructive criticism than outright praise, which hurt his feelings at times (can be dense with other people’s emotions at times oddly enough). Also, I’ll admit that we started to fight a lot during the last few months we were together, a lot of it being thanks to being stressed about my relocating (especially on my part, since it was me who was going to get a whole new life pretty much against my will). Of course, I also could have been more appreciative of some of the nice things he did for me. A lot of the issue was that our communication styles and “love languages” were different and we didn’t really “speak the same language”. Nothing excuses his infidelity (he did so a few days before I moved, which I don’t know why he didn’t just wait those few extra days ha ha). He however does have some genuine psychological problems that even he acknowledges to this day (may be developing paranoid schizophrenia). He was also very mistrusting of everyone, thinking that every guy I ran into was into me and was going to “steal” me from him.

I’m not sure if he would’ve cheated on me regardless due to his deeply-rooted fears of being abandoned even if I did other things right, but the point is, I was able to see past myself and think about what I could’ve done differently (and why he did what he did). Him and I are no longer on speaking terms because I could not forgive his actions (tried to re-build the bridge but he didn’t seem to care enough to try). The truth is, I think it was for the best that this happened because now I realize that we really weren’t meant to be and can see why we aren’t that compatible. I often tend to think it’s not so much what you have in common but it’s about how you and your SO work out the differences.

May be your husband was just a sucky husband and doesn’t respect marriage. May be you did do everything “right” and it’s all on him, we don’t know that. But then again there must have been some reason he stuck around the whole time and was looking for something from you he was not getting (and had been attempting to get from those hookers). If he was cheating the entire time and whatnot, why would he bother staying with you for all those years? Did you ever stop and think to yourself what you could’ve done differently to make your marriage better? Did you ever consider what you could’ve not been providing him that he tried to seek out from other

Overall, the point is that you can tell yourself, people who read this blog, and anyone else you’d like you did nothing wrong all day long. Is it true? Not necessarily. There’s always at the very least 2 sides to every story.

moderate, sensible, extracurricular sex???? .answer….stay single…don’t hurt your partner that had nothing to do with your choices but have to live with the results.

Extracurricular sex???? Sounds like a sport that immature minds play.

…..you live in a world that I hope I never have to cross paths with again.

BTW, He had unprotected sex more than 50% of the time with $300 an hour “professional” hookers. He was a good salesman…..or maybe they were good at upselling…… LOL

Luckliy there are some states that are impounding cars, publishing photos of John’s and imposing large fines. That should take some of the “sport” out of extracurricular sex. Explain why you need bailed out of jail and your car is impounded to anyone that cared about you. Then think about how much that little bit of “something different” cost you.

Ugly ugly ugly world that I hope to close the door on for the rest of my life.

The “get tough” routine never, ever, EVER succeeds in wiping out the vice it wants to wipe out. When we got really, really tough on alcohol, we got Al Capone. Prohibition never works and can’t work. Even God can’t so it. Read the story in Genesis about how there was one forbidden item, only two people to keep away from it, and the top cop was God Almighty.

And what happened? Adam and Eve ate the fruit, that’s what happened. And now you expect the local cop shop to succeed at what God Himself couldn’t do?

just venting, sorry I was flinging so much blame around. I just ran across this site when I was trying to figure out ” why” my husband is like this late one night. I know that is impossible, but is hard to let go of the “why” Everyone is free to conduct their life the way they want, it just wasn’t what I was offered or promised and it is hard to understand why this happened.

“to accept the things you cannot change” is easy to say but very very hard to accept

again I was really insensitive in my comments and I am truely sorry. Sometimes the ugly just pours out before you can stop it

Prostitution was largely legal throughout the world until around 1890-1960. Many men are simply not, by their nature, cut out for hard monogamy. No amount of shaming or vilification changes this. The 20th century experiment with criminalizing prostitution only led to the socio-sexual changes of the 1920s and 1960s.
Instead of getting rid of prostitutes, the prostitution prohibitionists simply made men pursue not professional women in the same manner they previously saw working girls for. The neo-puritan experiment in men practicing hard monogamy like women failed just like the experiments in alcohol prohibition and state socialism from the same era failed. They simply violate the nature of many of those involved.

I’m going to read through this blog post more carefully, but I wanted to respond to an understandable, but nonetheless, important basic fallacy introduced in the opening paragraphs. Although one can take care of the physical requirements/needs of one’s lover/husband/etc., as with a dog, one cannot be absolutely certain, in the case of one’s human, that you’ve attended to their deeper, unspoken, probably poorly-understood, *psychological* needs. In other words, if a man were kind enough to give me sex every day/night, I would thank him and might feel grateful, but if my deeper psychological needs were not being met, I might still look for sex outside of the arrangement. And I might have the temerity to never communicate this problem to the man in question who was doing due diligence by giving me the sex I need on a regular basis. However, I am not a dog, and my needs are much more complicated. The men I know are also not dogs, and even if I provide them with the sex they need on a regular basis, I consider it fairplay that I might not be entirely aware of what’s going through their heads. This is why you learn to keep a man very, very busy. It is a rare man who has the energy to mess around if you know how to keep him very, very busy. I pity the poor woman (above) who learned, the hardest way I can imagine, that the husband she was servicing wasn’t actually thinking about *her* while she was sacrificing for him, but now she knows how hard it is to actually know what someone else is thinking. Perhaps she’ll learn to pay more attention next time, but possibly not.

What I think our unhappy commenter above ran across was a guy who likes variety, pretty much no matter what. Some men are like that. For that matter, some women are like that, although they have less cultural approval to openly say so.

I think you nailed it! There are a lot more innately polyamorous men (and some women) than the Christian heritage of the West (and particularly the Puritan heritage of the Americans) has led us to believe. Hard monogamy simply doesn’t work for these people anymore than heterosexual marriage works for homosexuals.

You are claiming that 70% of men have affairs? I find that difficult to believe. I support the legalization of prostitution, and I even support the idea of open relationships (for those who actually want it). However, if you vow to “forsake all others,” and you break that vow, then you deserve to be kicked to the curb for countless reasons. Especially if you are vile enough to allow a woman to believe that you have been true, while at the same time not permitting her to have freedom too or allowing her to be aware of your behavior, so that she may have accurate data to make decisions about what she does. Who knows, perhaps if she knew, she’d enjoy working in the sex industry for a little supplementary income! The failure to control the so called “craving of variety” and extracurricular sex sounds very infantile to me. Perhaps 70% of men have been infantilized. I shouldn’t judge so harshly perhaps, but I think it’s the betrayal that rubs me the wrong way, and not so much the sex. I don’t buy the garbage about men “being hardwired” to act that way. There is not conclusive evidence that human beings are “hardwired” for any mating pattern. Science shows that our sexual preferences in regards to hetero or homosexual may be epigenetic, but in terms of the structure of our mating patterns, nothing concrete presents itself in any serious peer critiqued study. It appears that we have the great freedom to set up society and relationships by our own design. These arguments we are having about monogamy verses poly behavior are just reflective of our differences in values and opinions. If you are going to choose to have “extracurricular sex,” then why not just own this choice instead of making ad hoc justifications for it? I happen to think traditional monogamous marriage is the best choice, but marriage is not an instant rewards program and it is not a good fit for every person. It requires work, discipline and emotional intelligence. One could liken it to a skill like playing the violin. Not everyone is going to be good at, enjoy it or even pursue it in the first place. Thankfully my husband is one of the 30% that is willing to put in the work and effort, even if there are no other people willing to do so. I am sure when I was single, I would have minded dating a guy that would see other women or escorts, but I would not share living space with that kind of guy. I make a good living, and I enjoyed being single and living alone. The rewards of living with a man that I can actually trust would be the only thing that would convince me to share my home or my life him. Katherine Hepburn said, “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” Maybe she had a point. I think people should embrace their great freedom and own their choices in relationships, but if you actually betray another person in this process, you are depriving them of their own liberty and I am NOT okay with that. I’ll get off my soap box now, but the whole family values in a free society is kind of my passion. lol

PS Do you have a how to be a whore in the bedroom advanced version? I think I already mastered your suggestions long before I even got married. I would rather learn how to do a professional grade “happy ending” or something.

Are you quite all right? Equating the private and public spheres is moronic at best, tyrannous at worst. I suggest you read “How Not To Get Your Comments Posted” before continuing, unless you actually WANT your comments deleted.

I’ve heard you criticized for letting in too much stuff, for not blocking enough. No matter what you do, somebody is going to be convinced that you’re doing it wrong. Ah well, you can’t please everybody and you learned a long time ago that trying to just bites you in the ass. Not that getting bit in the as isn’t fun sometimes….

Hi, what do you do when you do all those things but you take to long and he is to fast and it stops with you not satisfide and he is fast asleep? I want to know is there something a woman can take to make her klimax faster.

I’m a fairly new (male) reader of your blog and like most times I approach something like this, I start at the beginning (your first entry) and then move forward. Although I first read this over a week ago and you‘ve touched on aspects in later entries, I keep coming back to this and feel like I have to comment. I apologize up front for this being so long.

Let me first say I agree with decriminalizing your former profession (although I do believe there should be some basic rules (e.g. age) and licensing as many other fields have). I also support gay marriage so I would like to think I’m pretty open and tolerant in this area.

I’m not sure I agree with the 70% of men cheat statistic since I’ve seen multiple studies and the number is usually closer to 50% (some lower, some higher) and I certainly don’t agree with your premise that we just have a sex drive that causes it and cannot be prevented. Unlike men that came to you, a large percentage of the time men cheat it’s unplanned – they get into a situation and it happens for any number of reasons. In terms of your personal experience, I don’t doubt that’s what you heard from your clients. However, I don’t think that really is a true random sampling of the male population. First of all, you’re only hearing from those husbands that do cheat. Second, it’s a group that made a conscious decision to see you. Third, there is no doubt that many of them are giving you excuses (I think you would admit that for many people, it’s easier to make an excuse than admit they did something wrong – politicians are good examples as you have pointed out many times). Finally, I don’t doubt that many of your clients have also convinced themselves of the reasons they give you. That is also a very common humor nature and a common self-defense mechanism.

As Denise mentions, if someone agrees to “forsake all others”, then be a man an honor your commitment. If you don’t like that, then have an open and honest discussion with your wife/partner – they may agree. Likewise, would all those men be accepting of their wife having sex with another man? If they aren’t willing to have the discussion with their wife, I think they know the answer is “no”.

I can also relate my personal situation. I have been married for nearly 25 years and can honestly say that I have never cheated on my wife but would by lying if I said I never thought about it. I have what I believe is a pretty normal sex drive (my wife would tell you I would gladly do it every day) but as with many marriages, we went through a pretty long period of low activity. We have 4 children and after the last one, there were periods we could go 2-3 months in between. My wife also had a job that required getting up early and unlike me, she needs more than 5 hours of sleep each night. Needless to say, that lack of sex would make me irritable at times and I resorted to making myself happy. My wife also gained quite a bit of wait (contrast with me gaining 5 pounds in the last 20 years). Yet through all that, I didn’t cheat on her because I love her and I know how much it would hurt her if I did. I do believe she would have forgiven me if I had, but that wasn’t the point.

So I finally decided it was time to talk about it. It took some time, some false starts, and the occasional emotional reaction, but we are now in a much better place because we talked about it. In addition to some changes on her end, there were some changes I made. It’s amazing how much of a difference it makes when we both take the time to do the little things that make the other person more interested (could write a full post on that). We are now having sex regularly (average 3 times per week) and there are many times when she is instigating it. You’ve also mentioned it being the wife’s duty to provide sex and while there have been times my wife has done that, I would rather have 5 times that she initiated sex and was truly involved than 10 times she just said “OK”. Quality is more important than quantity – at least with someone you love.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and hopefully I’ll get be able to catch up to your more current postings.

A very nice comment; also with some interesting points, and solutions! I’m glad that you did that for your wife and family- it’s very admirable and extremely pleasant to know that men like you also exist in this world! Your wife is a lucky woman 🙂

This is an amazingly written article ; with excellent, straight forward points. Very well written, with an excellent message. A message I completely agree with. I just have one question for you, that I am hoping you can help me answer. As I said, I completely agree with you, and I want to be able to provide sexually for my husband more, but my sex drive is just not as high as his is. Some days I am completely turned off by the thought of sex. Is there anyway to increase my sex drive to his level, or close to his level? If you have any feedback on this, I could use all the advice I can get! Thanks.

If there’s a way, I don’t know of it; pharmaceutical companies are dying to find some way to do it, with no luck yet. But it isn’t really necessary that you be “turned on” to engage in duty sex; all you have to do is be willing to do something nice for someone you care about.

Frankly, women these days walk around with a sense of entitlement and no sense of responsibility in the care of their man.

He’s expected to care for her and hers, and yet little to no effort is invested in his needs.The author’s pet analogy strikes home rather directly. The whole inequity of the picture sparks anger that women tend to put a lot more effort into picking plates than keeping her man.

From a man’s perspective, this outrage often leads to resentment and the silent railing against the fact that women cannot pick and choose the best part of the cake (i.e. benefits of a man’s presence) and ignore the other less palatable parts of his nature.

Worse are the women who choose to withhold as means of leverage.

The irony that escapes most women is a basic fact that men WANT to please and serve women, we LIVE to be your knight and champion – if you happen to be his TRUE choice and not just a conquest.

A wiser and, no doubt, more amicable compromise would be to use it as a tool to melt resistance. We – as a species – are often more open to suggestion after having been vigorously worked over twice in a row just then.

On the whole,men perceive the rejection of his advances as a rejection of his person. Herein lies a root of trouble in a man’s mind – the undeniable conclusion that he’s good enough to provide shelter, security, support, aid, sustenance to a woman, but unworthy of her efforts to sustain his needs. This very thought turns many an ardent crusader cold when their goddess, upon whose altar he dedicates himself, is seen as thankless and whimsical.This leaves him quite empty and distant.

However, we all know that nature abhors a vacuum. Thus begins the search for surrogates and/or substitutes. Both alternatives do not judge, cater to preferences, and – in the case of surrogates – require no extended formalities prior or offer baggage in the future. Alternatives bring a clear exchange of favours as he wants, for what he can provide – not unlike what any man provides in a relationship but with the bonus of welcoming his needs and desires.

Does this then reduce women in a committed relationship to being socially-licensed prostitutes, based on the above? No. The difference is the emotional attachment. Women committed SHOULD want and endeavor to provide for their mate’s needs. CONSISTENTLY.

“…all you have to do is be willing to do something nice for someone you care about.”

And that’s the summation of this entire post and the comments in it.

I often tell my wife, I would likely do whatever you wanted to satisfy your desires and make you happy. And, she always responds “you do satisfy me, I’m just not like you. I don’t think about sex 24/7 and I’m not into sex the way you are.”

Wow.

First off, I didn’t mention “sex.” Second, if all i thought about was sex 24/7 then I doubt I would have a successful career, the wealth I created (my wife doesn’t work …correction, I bought her a business which will never be profitable but it is her passion and she loves it, which is why I bought it. Remember, I’d anything to make her happy I didn’t mention sex or even an act of sex).

Now, she hasn’t worked since our first born and since that time she has been an outstanding mother and raised outstanding kids. Yet, when she talks to people she say “I bought/own a business,” refers to our children as “my kids,” says “I’m not paying for that” or “I pay this or that.”

Really.

I’ve work my ass off and gave up 40 years of my life so she could feel secure. In fact, when my financial advisors suggested I retire at age 54, she said “how will we live.” We have more wealth than she or I ever dreamed of, advisors suggest I retire, and she’s afraid we’ll starve. How’s that for being an economic slave.

To add insult to injury because of my position all our assets are in her name, only the debt is in mine.

Now let me cut to the chase…

When I tell her that her “I’s”, “me’s” and “my’s” hurt and what happened to “we” she says “Oh come on, I don’t mean anything by that.” When I raise my need for more physical affection, attention, dreaming and fantasizing she says “I love you. I’m not like you, I don’t think about sex all the time. I’m just not into sex the way your are. I’m not physical like you. But if you were ever to cheat on me it would hurt me so badly and I’d take you for everything you have.”

…That my friends is love and the Modern Day woman.

Is it any wonder that today I stand on the edge of escort pool? But, like a young puppy, I run towards the water with every intent to jump in but when the water gets too close, I turn and head for the high ground. Fear sets in. Fear that I’ll lose everything, that the press will have a field day over my “failure” to follow the “straight narrow” road the world wants to judge us by.

So, I keep searching for that perfect escort and fantasize about a special evening with an attentive woman who can forget about life for awhile and dream and fantasize over a glass of wine, some music…no TV, no iPhone, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever. Just two people, interested in each other, exploring their thoughts, feelings and “willing to do nice things for each other” just because.

Maggie, I just found your site today. You’ve filed a hole in my life. I don’t know what will happen and if I’ll ever get in the escort pool and, if I do, if I’ll be able to swim. Your site and post like these help me realize I’m not insane, selfish or alone. I only wish is that my wife would find this post and site.

She certainly isn’t stupid and knows where “her” money really comes from. And I suspect that this awareness combined with the popular cult of “independent women of success” make her feel somewhere between unaccomplished and worthless and that any thought of separation with you scares the hell out of her. Hence these “my/me/I” lies and hence the “if you cheat on me…” threats.

When you offer your help “to make her happy” you just reinforce her belief that she’s judged by her “career” and at the same time you make this carrer look like a joke so she turns you down with this “I don’t need more sex” decoy.

How about taking her on vacation or doing something nice or cool instead? So that the next time she meets with her friends they’ll be like “oh, we wish our husbands weren’t such boring money-chasing loosers like yours isn’t” instead of “so tell us, how much profit did your business make this year?”.

Security is not only about having things, but also about being able to retain and defend them. You don’t look trustworthy when you offer to throw money away on her whim or when your only response to her lies is “oh, I feel so hurt by you, please stop”. Man up. Tell her you both know who earned “her” money and just let her shout whatever she wants and don’t give a damn. How are you to defend her if you are easily scared by bullshit and can’t even defend yourself from one woman?

Try to be attractive for her, i.e. strong and confident. Understand your goals and don’t compromise on them. Also understand what isn’t your goal and don’t look like a fool chasing it and giving up. Do your thing and don’t care what others think of it. Don’t think too much what she thinks and says, care how she feels.

If she is dependent on you, state it clearly and show (not only say) that you fully accept her this way. Pretending or allowing her to pretend that she isn’t dependent makes you look as if you believed that her dependence is somehow wrong and judged her for that. Stop this. Don’t give a damn what feminists think of her and she’ll follow; it’ll come easier to her than keeping producing lies and delusions to make feminists appreciate her for what she isn’t.

BTW, when was the last time she did something you genuinely appreciated and you told her so?

Thank you for the insight, I’ve discovered that my spouse indulges in escorts and/or affairs. He doesn’t know that I know and he would deny it if I confronted him, but it’s true, I’ve been taking notes for several years now… from shady explanations of his whereabouts to soiled underwear to freshly showered appearance, craigslist searches for private lovers/escorts, to gps locations of inns near his place of work with a stop at the drugstore in between, alias names for female friends and provocative photos from them that he emails to himself, in a nutshell. Absurdly, apart from that, we make a great couple and love each other very much! I feel much security in our marriage, if that makes any sense. The extremely painful part is that desire him daily, I’m willing to experiment and do whatever to knock his socks off. Recently, he’s started s leeping with his back to me so as not to be bothered and gets irate whenever I try to dialogue it even in the friendliest manner without even accusing or presenting facts. He pretends he has a low libido, I almost believed him until I found out he s okay to do it with other women! He often makes me feel dirty and unreasonable for wanting it 2 or 3 times a week and not the 2-3 times a month ration. I think he feels shame and guilt disguised as anger. I want to help us turn this around, we’ve only been together 7 years but I feel were young enough to still have fun…. with each other. he’s 43, I’m 42, moderately attractive Latina, in good shape, self employed, intelligent, happy, mother of 3 teens. I’ve considered an open marriage but since he denies he ” likes variety” I would pay a high price to go outside the marriage… while he’s having his cake and eating it too.
love,
hopeless and helpless

This is really rough, and I at least have no answer for you. You can’t satisfy his desires, no matter how adventurous or willing you are, if he won’t admit to having desires. I wonder if the sneaking around itself is part of the turn-on? Getting away with something? I don’t know.

Perhaps Maggie can tell you something useful, she’s really quite sharp, or another reader here can. I know that I wish you both the best of luck, because it seems that you have a relationship which is a good one, except for this one not-so-little thing.

I appreciate your thoughtful reply Sailor. I was half asleep when I wrote my comment the other night I left so much out. Like that I’ve known about his affairs but just NOW have I confirmed the hooker. What I’d like to add, is that last summer I intuitively snooped in his phone and found a text that sounded much like an effort to make time to see a certain “somebody”, if she was working and if he could arrange it in his schedule. Her response was “yes, I’m here today {happy face}.” I hated having to worry about what was going, but I didn’t have anything more to go on. It was a battle I wasn’t prepared to fight, it made me very paranoid and insecure but I kept it to myself. I guess the worse I suspected was that she might be a waitress somewhere or possibly a mistress. Nevertheless, I wrote myself a note with the recipient’s number and the date…. Fast forward to last week, we swapped phones because mine is damaged and though we took removed his chip and rooted the device I learned that I have access to all his google accounts. Be careful what you ask for because, curiously, I scrolled through his search history for the most recent two days and to my surprise I came across the search for “live rub, best way to relax” …I followed the link which led to a classified with pictures and …. with a number -OBVIOUSLY FAMILIAR to me!!?? I went to find my note from last year to see if the numbers matched and IT IS THE SAME NUMBER!!! I was so busy this week I didn’t really have time to digest it all plus I force myself when my kids are around and now they’re gone for the week so inevitably today I’m really feeling the meltdown!! I hope Maggie does tune in, I don’t want to spoil the holidays but i want to discuss it with him, I have so many questions…i’m so confused. I want to listen to him and I want to be listened to. I have this urge to text her and introduce myself on friendly terms, send her a picture of my family and tell her I hope she never feels what a wife feels when she unveils her love and husband sneaks around with a lady of the night ( of the day, in this case because he’s always home at night.) I want to gently tell her I believe she’s not to blame, men who cheat can’t be stopped, if it’s not her it will be someone else. on the other hand I feel like being canniving and texting her from his phone pretending to be him and ask her if she can indulge him in a three-way with the wife “. I think about asking her if she would help me catch him in the act, I think about reminding her that a family can breakdown overnight, I’ve been patient and have endured so much, but whether I bring it up with him or keep it from him forever, I don’t know if I have what it takes to ever overcome this. I suddenly feel torn between being strong enough to consider it his problem and not mine and choose to be content or is it that I’m a weak woman for allowing him to deprive me from healthy sex and intimacy. I welcome any thoughts or advice.

Women do not experience desire as men do. They do not value sex as universally. Sex really is a need for men in a way it is not for women. Feminism v.2 would probably disagree — which is what animated a great deal of the “orgasm gap” yammering back in the 70’s and 80’s — but lesbian bed death is a real thing. Put two women in a long-term relationship long enough and they will all but stop having sex. (Gay men will find other partners.)

I agree that the companionate marriage has probably exacerbated tendencies of wives to believe they have no role in keeping their husbands sexually satisfied. I have heard this idea that male sexual needs in the scope of a marriage are an “entitlement”, according to one in particular who has never been married; the word has stuck in my craw ever since as a prime example of how toxic feminism has become.

All that said, this is an unnecessarily harsh condemnation of women. A marriage is a long string of negotiations, and anyone who thinks their wishes are the only wishes will discover themselves holding a sack of ashes. Where this goes off the rails is the criticism of the overweight sister (and serves as an example of how female body image enforcement is of vastly greater importance than anything men could do, or do do). Your speculation about her sex life are only that, and if her husband is suffering from inactivity in the sack, isn’t it also on him, in some wise, to negotiate a change?

Maggie McNeill
It is my considered opinion that the government needs to get OUT of the marriage business; marriage should be a contract between two people whose rights and responsibilities are spelled out in the contract, and divorce should be handled under contract law, not the foamy sewage called “family law” which uses vague concepts to arrive at concrete numbers.
Maggie you are a breath of fresh air. As a man I agree with you entirely with government and also religious bigots needing to get out of the marriage business. Marriage in an agreement or partnership between two people in volved.

I worked 20+ years in public health, testing and treating sexually transmitted disease. I now have zero sex drive after looking at diseased penises and vaginas for way too long. Oh, and listening to the stupid shit that goes with it.

A hard penis is truly a thing of beauty…and about the only thing about sex that’s not disgusting to me. See “hard dicks” didn’t get ruined for me because if you’ve ever seen a diseased dick, it is the softest, ooziest, saddest thing you ever saw.

There’s no help for the diseased vagina. I’m stuck with that visual forever. Good thing I’m straight…too bad I have a vagina.

Zero sex drive. I would fake it if my long-time partner just had a hard-on once in awhile instead of expecting me to shove his mushy semi back in every 2 seconds for as long as it has to last..

He wont go to the doctor for dick pills, but I guess I’m not trying hard enough. He’s right. I could give a shit, if that’s all he’s gonna bring.

Why should I feel guilty? Even talking about it, I can feel the disgust on my face.

If a woman has an obligation do have sex for her husband, there should be something he has to do in return, right? All else being equal (she earns her own money, does half of the household chores) how could he get the balance right?

Obviously. Since you’ve discounted money (and I have no idea why you’d do such a thing, but to each her own), there are three things I expect and require a man in my life to do: 1) Defend me from dangers large and small; 2) Perform feats of strength (lifting heavy things, opening jars, etc); 3) tell me I’m beautiful and otherwise praise me to all & sundry. Your list may differ.

I’m surprised by your list .. especially the first part 1) Defend me from dangers large and small. As for small dangers, a man can indeed come in handy if you’re afraid of spiders (I’m not). As for the large dangers, you must surely be aware of the fact that a male partner/husband is the largest danger in a women’s life? See http://www.pbs.org/kued/nosafeplace/studyg/domestic.html or http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/09/men-killing-women-domesti_n_5927140.html
As for all other dangers I could think of (like natural disasters) I don’t see how a partner could offer any protection against those. So unless you are talking about very specific dangers (of maybe just the feeling of being protected) I am not aware of, I really don’t understand.

I’m sorry, but I’m completely unable to understand why your opinions should have any effect on a list of what I want, especially when the caveat “your list may differ” is right there. If you’re looking for an argument, I suggest you hit Reddit or YouTube or something because I have neither the time nor the inclination.

Crazy for me to think that there are actually women out there that “get it”! In this highly selfish and socially engineered world it seems impossible to find.

I am a very conservative christian by today’s standards and I was shocked to find a site like this that hits the nail on the head. But ithe makes total sense that even two people like ourselves who may have different beliefs as to how we live our lives, can come together in agreement by understanding human nature and appying simple logic.

It’s too bad preachers are not bold enough to point out these truths due to fear of society and women.

The Bibe supports this concept, as it points out such things as the marriage bed being undefiled – meaning there is no shame or wrong between what a husband and wife does in the bedroom (as the Bible also points out, as long it is natural use, so unnatural and weird stuff l I would say is wrong).

It also supports the concept of a husband and wife’s body not being their own, but the propetry of the other (consensual slavery), and therefore never to deny one another – lest Satan gets a foothold in their marriage. Of course this is why we see so much divorce.

Lastly, according to the bible, a man and woman are suppose to love one another as their own bodies and give total sacrafice. Man is to love wife as Christ loved the Church, giving His life for it. Wife is to be a help meet (support) for her husband and to show him reverence (encouragement and respect). God is telling us how he made us and what we need. And, just like any well run business, one is appointed to be the head of the other not because he is better, but because there needs to be a final responsible accountable person to God for decisions of the home. Men have to bear this burden and women need only to submit to this God ordained authority.

If husband cares for wife more than his own self showing love and wife supports husband understanding the blame falls on him if things go wrong, then you have a perfect team. Never denying each other’s needs (NOT ALWAYS WANTS).

You may be fascinated at how much the Bible supports most of your views. Prostitution and adultery, however, it obviously does not condone due to the selfish nature of those acts. We as Christians are to deny self even if spouse does not comply, for the good of our testimony, as we attempt to put the spirit above the flesh. However, the Old testament was filled with it because it shows our nature and three struggle in these areas.

Bloody brilliant! I am a man and word for word and I mean word for word is absolutely spot on. While I was reading this article two things came to my mind 1, I want to marry this woman who wrote this and 2, I want to marry this woman who wrote this article. Lol.
Women in a relationship (especially ones in long term ones) need to fully understand how men are regarding sex. Many good relationships are ruined because of it. A good sex life can fix so many things going on in your relationship. Women, if you love your man and want to reduce the chances of him straying, seeing working girls (prostitutes) or even worse having an affair (which ultimately involves emotions)….make sure you look after his every desire – or he will go elsewhere! I have been witj my partner for almost 30 years. We have 4 grown up children who are no longer at home but my wife shows more interest in TV that realising that we haven’t had sex in a while. I have been down the route of seeing prostitutes when my wife stopped paying attention to me. (I remember asking many of the girls who the saw mostly – either married or single men? They always replied that it was mainly married men who came to see them and some were married for only 3 years!) My wife lost interest in sex. She used to be the “anything goes” type of girl (watch porn together and act out things we saw and liked, oral, cum in mouth, bondage, anal, cum on face, we even used to have sex out door and in our car…those days were really great but sadly are gone now. But how I wish they were still around. Over the years my wife has made me fee as if I am a sex fiend or perverted) I didn’t want to have a relationship with any woman other than to live out my fantasy and be satisfied afterwards. Very often when I finished I would feel so, so bad and racked with guilt, promising myself that I would never do it again, but as soon as my urges came back and my partner didn’t attend to them I soon forgot about my guilt and promise not to do it again. This went on for years. I would never want her to find out that I went to prostitutes as I think she wouldn’t be able to deal with it. So now I suffer in silence not knowing what to do. I truly love my wife and I know that she truly loves me. But I feel trapped.

It may be that prostitution is holding your marriage together at this point. I don’t say that it is “the only thing” because if you didn’t love each other one or the other would leave, hookers or not. But because of the working girls, you get as much sex (and variety of sex) as you want, and your wife doesn’t have to pretend to be hornier or kinkier than she is.

Unfortunately you can’t count on her to see it the same way, which is why you are trapped. The four options (tell her about it, leave her, do without, keep on as you are and hope she doesn’t find out) don’t add up to an enviable situation.

All I can do is to wish you and her both luck. And, I suppose, hope that some of that luck will rub off on the escorts you see, and keep them from getting busted. Ah, if only I could believe that luck worked that way!

[…] blog, the Honest Courtesan, is surely one of the best. One of my favourite posts is this one, A Whore in the Bedroom, which she wrote for ladies. It got me thinking that one of the many reasons men see sex workers […]

Hi there… I’m not sure how old you are, I just hit 30. I’ve been with my man for 7 yrs, married for 4, been through his family issues and mine, bankruptcy, cancer, and have a daughter of 2. He is to this day the most amazing man I’ve ever met or seen.

I used to say and believe things very similar to your article – my parents did not have a good relationship before it ended 25yrs in, so I think that’s why – little girls are daddy’s girls and they happen to look to their mother’s to have been at fault n if daddy was treated better by that sad boring cow…

So ya. There that is. And I guess girls like me also pride themselves in knowing they’re a sex goddess to their man.

I had a little wake up call not too long ago. And without having to get into too much detail, I guess I’m hoping that I’m the end after many many happily married years, I’ll be able to look back and say that it was all about finding a balance. My own rhythm as well as one that worked for my husband n I so that neither gets too much up or down?

There is such a thing as too much nasty is what I’m getting at here. They like the nasty because it’s riveting, but repeated exposure makes it become mundane. So don’t try so hard to be the nasty slut you think he wants. He also wants innocence and to be your protector. And boring does happen n it’s ok, as long as you keep moving forward, just don’t get stuck. And yes the woman is the carer but we also get bored, so tell him you’re bored with nasty nights now n always initiating things too. Do put up the diy reusable love-making coupons on the fridge for each of you to be able to use when it may be hard to say it or start it…

And keep trying new things (even if they’re actually old things) keep changing it up. Versatility is the flavour of life

I’m sorry but while your advice may apply to some- what’s the reason for a man who has a wife that took care of him for 7 years, is hot (and very flexible lol), does whatever he wants in the bedroom, cooks cleans and is sweet. So when he turns down sex is it for control, is he cheating or maybe bi-sexual/gay and doesn’t want to admit it. I just don’t understand and I’m ready to just get a girlfriend myself. No relationship is perfect- you seem to side with the men but what about when men shut down and don’t work and the wife tries to be strong and hold it all together and she still remains loyal throughout her husband not helping her cause he’s ‘depressed’. It doesn’t seem like a man should decide to cheat until he has helped his wife so she’s not killing herself trying to do everything. And why not just be honest with your wife or girlfriend first and at least give them a chance to change their ways or give their ‘blessing’ as you say. I think people should just be fucking honest- even if it hurts. Maybe some men are just selfish sociopaths (women can be too) and it’s not their wife or girlfriends fault. P.s. I’m an exotic dancer- I don’t have kids- I make it a top priority to look and be sexy for my man always and he actually seems more attracted to me when I’m sweaty from working out and just wearing shorts and a tank top- Thanks for the article, I ‘d like to know what you think. I’ve also decided that if I find out my husband is seeing escorts- I might just become one myself- yes- I’m serious. At least I’d get sex more and get paid for it.

I believe Dan Savage simplified similar in relationships by suggesting being, “Good, Giving, and Game” in bed, but didn’t single out heterosexual women in marriages, who may not read that column anyway. Nor did he discuss the general social problem in American couples.

I had mentioned this in passing a couple of times, after the fact, with my fiance. And the poor guy unfortunately (I imagine had been socialized this way) felt that it was wrong for me to have sex if I wasn’t totally into it! But, I’ve initiated for his benefit before, and it seems to me that it’s something I should do. Also, even if I “don’t feel like it,” I tend to get into it somewhere during the act. It wasn’t something I ran across for a while, because all but the last two relationships were short. The importance may have been cemented through escorting and meeting so many married men in these situations, but even prior to all that, after a loss of sex drive for a while in my previous relationship, I’d make sure to.at least give BJ’s once a week to my ex, til eventually he felt too bad for me, “not *really* being into it. That’s why I’ve barely mentioned it in my current one. But he’s come to understand, since his drive has gone down and he’s talked about “needing to put out” for me. Our society has gone overboard on drawing lines, some opinion articles even going as far as considering anything less than enthusiastic desire for both parties to be a form of rape. It certainly is not, and has become the exact opposite of “lie back and think of England” when it comes to marital duties.

I’ve been pleasant enough about repetitive and unpalatable sex for 15 years. I wish he’d bring something better… He wants my enthusiasm, but barely my consent… (we’re scheduled for when he’s stopped drinking long enough to take a pill – miserable shit…) Having someone that’s shitty, drunk, and/or demanding at any moment doesn’t get anyone in the mood.

“A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. – Robert A. Heinlein”…the author of my favorite book and creator of the word grok (or how it got into the dictionary) . And what a cool word it is.

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Boring but necessary legal stuff

All original content on this website (i.e. all of my columns, pages and anything else which I write myself) is protected under international copyright law as of the time it is posted; though you may link to it as you please or quote passages (as long as you attribute the quote to me), please do not reproduce whole columns without my express written permission. In other words, you have to say "pretty please with sugar on top" first, and then wait for me to say "okey-dokey".