pine for pine

Friday, November 30, 2007

Samtsirhc Yrrem

Running from the Samurais

Japanese gameshows answer the ponderables we can only imagine. One, because they have the money to produce our imponderables. Two, because they are crazy like us. Three, they think of things we have not pondered on. Like, what if a walkathon champion in a semi-official record-setting walk was attacked by a team of samurais, will he still walk? Well, we won't tell you but you will definitely laugh. The world walkathon record holder is actually Ecuadorian so we have also to think if the Japanese humor crossed borders. From haha.nu

Code of Ethics of the Martial Law Regime

Ominous

petition online informed me that I just signed an online petition calling for the immediate resignation of PGMA and Noli de Castro. Much as I detest her administration, I have not willingly signed the petition. What if this is part of Martial Law and one way to arrest me?

Leaving Manila

I had to leave Manila in a rush. They declared martial law already in the city. The bus stations were full, most leaving anyway and most suddenly wanting to leave sooner than they wanted. I was slated for 12 mn and left at 11 pm because I don't want to be caught in the curfew. Not that it matters but it's too much a hassle and too much baggage on my back. The coup attempt was so imbecile and obvious (Nov. 30 Araw ng Mga Bayani, hello) but it still caught us flatfooted. I was in the area, for example. But the reaction of the government is so, so "playing in the iron gloves." Now she can have her dictatorship!! First, she declared Martial Law in our bedrooms. Now she's taking over the nation. How sweet. And on the Holidays, she would be in Baguio declaring Peace and Understanding. Then I have to find a place to leave again.

And I was just telling people that Etihad was one of the best we rode into. So now we can't leave on this jetplane also.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Artistic Grief

We all know about Eric Clapton, his four-year-old son Conor and Tears in Heaven. You also heard of John Lennon and his mother, Julia, and the two songs that inspired him, Mother and Julia. But what about Neil Young's tribute to Kurt Cobain, Bono's Sometimes you can't Make It On Your Own and Diana Krall's Departure Bay? Here are ten great artists, ten deaths and ten songs.

Sex After Life: Bad

The UK Guardian published the shortlist of their annual Bad Sex Award. Times said that Norman Mailer, who recently died, won the award. How weird is that?

From The Castle in the Forest by Norman Mailer (Little, Brown) p67-68'Are you all right?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. It surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

Wea Twins

More on WEA Twins in our upcoming anthology. Those killer jodhpurs ala Metallic Gigolo. Heard that they migrated to Canada. It's been so long that I now forgot how to tell them apart. Who is Joy and who is Gay? Back then, they were synonyms. Now it's either "Gay" and "Still In the Closet" or "Gay" and "Proud." For "Joy" I can only think of "Chicken."

Fight Club Lessons for Writers

Carlo Rotella, author of Cut Time: An Education at the Fights, decided to just watch YouTube to find the art and poetry of streetfights. In his Slate article, Rotella even gave us lessons he got from watching websites of these fights. He gave us the basic lesson (Skip the preliminaries, strike first, and keep it coming) which makes Brad Pitt really a poseur. I mean, no more braggadocio in real fights. So goodbye to Filipino fight films, for that matter. I know this because I've seen this. One guy would start heaving for to his "300" scream and "Kappow" he's down before he can draw out his breath from his diaphragm.There is very little you can draw from actual streetfighting with writing, or maybe there is. One, no more preparation for the big finish if you started bad. Maybe this is the lesson for writing leads. If your lead is bad, be sure to be knocked out by the reader.Rotella's first lesson (If you're going to pick a fight, or consent to such an invitation, know what you're getting into and be prepared for a fast start and a quick finish). Most fights are a blur, even to the pugilists. One, you are either very drunk to be in a fight or blinded by rage. You can either be very dangerous at this state of mind or very stupid. Similarly, if you're very drunk and you are writing the editorial, forget it. You are picking a fight you would regret the next morning when it is published. It's either you picked the wrong guy (there are fight videos here where the picker get picked on very brutally) or you get into a fast fight and your body is in slo-o-ow motion. You die a slo-o-ow death. I hope, figuratively.Second lesson: If people are standing around smiling mysteriously and pointing cell phones at you for no apparent reason, you should get ready to duck. Remember as a writer, you are also a target. Know these mysterious smiles. Beware of the sucker punch. Don't write as if there's no tomorrow because you will get it.Third lesson from Rotella is: There's a thin line between doofus and genius, and people often fight with one foot planted on each side of it. Norman Mailer is one writer who liked to brawl. And he acknowledged that he was putting his feet in Nobel stage and doofusland when he did. Unless you have the arsenal of Mailer's books, don't follow suit.Rotella's last lesson is more of the commentary side. It's the blow-by-blow from the people watching. No color commentaries. Just "he just beat you, man" and other obvious observations. Why? Because of the spontaneity of the fights, you just can't believe it. They're fighting in front of you. There's blood and then woof! it's over.Poems should aspire for that, sometimes. Fight in front of the unknowing readers and make them think, Oh, it's a fight, while you are being read. Then it's over and the readers would think, What was that? And the poem will re-play like a YouTube in their minds.Inspired by such, I decided to click on one of the websites Rotella recommended and randomly clip on one fo the videos:

After watching this, I was thinking, where's the genius? This is all doofus extravaganza. And the things they are doing to their family jewels are so awesome. Nice way to start the day.

Ballet

When I accidentally opened this, I thought I made a mistake but I watched it to last pas de deux. He lost his leg when he was very young and she lost her arm in a car accident. This dance has all the pathos and athleticism of a classic ballet piece.

First Book Award

UP ICW and Madrigal-Gonzalez Best First Book Awards announces 2007 shortlistBy Arvin Abejo MangohigA brilliant debut for any artist goes a long way. The Madrigal-Gonzalez Best First Book Award is probably the only award that recognizes the first published works of Filipino writers. The exclusivity alone that the award confers is much coveted. What more then the weight of acknowledgement from the established writers on its panel of judges. The award is coordinated by the UP Institute of Creative Writing and was established by the family of Gonzalo Gonzalez, former UP President and a writer in his own right.Dr. Jose Neil Garcia, Dr. Jaime An Lim and Prof. Vicente Groyon, himself a winner of the award, have come up with the shortlist for 2007 (only works in English were screened, as the award switches between languages every year). The shortlist follows: Salamanca by Dean Francis Alfar and Science Solitaire: Essays on Science, Nature and Becoming Human by Maria Isabel Garcia (ADMU Press), Barefoot in Fire by Barbara-Ann Gamboa Lewis (Tahanan Books), Love, Desire, Children etc by Rica Bolipata-Santos (Milflores), From Inside the Berlin Wall by Helen Yap (UP Press) and Kapwa: The Self in the Other by Katrin de Guia (Anvil).

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Magallanes

I was in Magallanes for a lunch meeting with the Save the Children at a Chinese restaurant here. After the meeting, I passed by a pet store so huge that they hold field trips for small children with blue sweatpants. I joined them. I even paid P20 for four fish to feed the sharks. I imagined the four fish (frozen) to be four people. I was so engrossed I took another P20 for more feeding of friends to shark. Then I used my remaining taxi allowance for a jeep back to Pasay Rotonda. I think my day is getting fine despite that jolt in Baguio which we also felt while eating veggie dimsum. I texted the usual suspects and got these:Sister: Mild langJawo: 5.8Andy: 4Sister: Classes suspendedChona: Whoa! That was strongAndy: Nagpanic taoMao: Naka-par si Andy kaya lumindol.

One Way to China

Experienced journalists from Asian and Pacific countries can apply for the East-West Center’s Jefferson Fellowship, which includes a study tour in May 2008 to explore China’s economy and growth. Deadline: December 5.U.S. journalists are also eligible for the fellowship program, which brings together American and Asian colleagues to learn and share expertise. Applicants should be print, radio or TV journalists with at least five years of experience.Fellows begin the tour at the East-West Center in Honolulu, Hawaii, then continue on to Beijing, Chongqing, and Chengdu in China. The fellowship is aimed at cultivating, through the news media, a better public understanding of cultures, issues and trends in the Asia-Pacific region.For more information, visit http://www.eastwestcenter.org/jeffersonIf you want to go back to Manila:Forum seeks papers on needs of Pacific mediaCook Islands, East Timor, Fiji Islands, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Japan, Kiribati, Nauru, Papua New Guinea, Philippines, Samoa, Solomon Islands, TongaTopic :Management, NetworkingAn upcoming forum on Pacific Islands media issues is seeking papers to be presented in July 2008 in the Philippines.The Pacific Media Center and the Asian Media Information and Communication Center (AMIC) are cooperating on a South Pacific Islands Communication Forum. The forum would gather experts and media workers in July 2008 in Manila, according to an announcement. The organizers are seeking paper proposals on a variety of topics related to the Pacific Islands and their media and communication needs. They have not announced a deadline.For more information, contact Evangelia Papoutsaki at epapoutsaki@unitec.ac.nz, or visit http://www.pmc.aut.ac.nz/SPICF/SPICF.shtml..

Lamlifew

The National Museum of the Philippines The Provincial Government of Sarangani TAOINC and The Lamlifew Tribal Women's Association cordially invite you to an evening gathering on the occasion of the launch of the Lamlifew Village Museum The first village museum initiated by a Philippine indigenous communityThe B'laan of Sarangani The Lamlifew Village Museum takes for its topic the numerous varieties of upland rice, which the many villages in the upper reaches of Sarangani continue to propagate. Ten varieties of upland rice, of various colors, will be sold by B'laan women from Lamlifew, Malungon, Sarangani, during this occasion. Examples of upland rice-based foods will be served. The B'laan women will also present traditional songs and instrumental music. 6 in the evening Monday, 3 December 2007 Ground level, Museum of the Filipino People National Museum of the Philippines (Former) Finance Building, Agrifina Circle, Manila RSVP (0917) 970-0052 Marlene Po or 816-3736 Kristy Lacambra

Writing Under the Weather

Someone told me that when you are "under the weather" and "under the typhoon" yet you have a deadline, first thing to do is to get vitamins and medicines. Then work in the afternoons because that's when people's health tend to stabilize but then we are not normal people. Focus on non-intellectual writing like business emails, copywriting or orders to your serfs. No features or novels. Tell people you have to email them if you're writing a news story or investigative features because you can't call them on the phone. About this typhoon though, read Joseph Conrad or The Perfect Storm. Ha ha ha. I love writing during typhoons except that in the Philippines you also have to worry about blackouts so charge your laptops and cellphones. Try to back up as often as possible. Read weather bulletins. Buy your provisions. If blackouts come, get the most beautiful candles and write your poems.

My Top Ten "Guy Walks Into a Bar" Jokes

11) Wengweng, Agent 00, walks into a bar, orders a Wengweng. He asks for the bill. “$2.50,” the bartender said. Wengweng pays $2 then leaves. Hey, the bartender says, You’re a little short.

2) A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re famous. There’s even a popular drink named after you. Want me to serve it to you?” Grasshopper asks, “You have a drink named Andy?”

3) A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. He asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender says, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my crocodile."4) Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?” “I think not,” said Descartes and he simply became non-existent

5) Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?” Then a book also walks into the bar. “Please,” said Charles Dickens. “No more stories.”

6) A guy walks into a bar. He says, “Give me a drink before the problem starts.” He had another and again says, “Before the problem starts.’ This goes on until the last call. Here’s your bill, the bartender says. “Ah,” the guy says, “The problem starts.”

7) A snake walks into a bar. Hah!

8) A seal walks into a bar. “What do you want,” the bartender asked. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” said the young seal. He was followed by a penguin. “Hey, your twin brother is looking for you,” the seal said. The penguin asked, “How does he look like?”9) A guy walks into a bar with a huge slab of asphalt. “One drink for me,’ he said, “and another for the road.”

10) A seal, penguin, snake and a grasshopper walk into a bar. The bartender asked, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Costumer

If you still have a child who doesn't know what to do but doesn't like nursing, let him or her take Theater Arts so that he would become a costume designer. He or she would be very privileged in this country. Just look around. For Costumers Only. Costumer's Parking Only. Para sa Mga Kostumer Lang Po. Non-Costumers Not Allowed.How many costumers do you know. I know the one in CCP but he died already. Are fashion designers allowed because not all do costumes. How about the aboloryo, which incidentally is the tile of Martin Masadao's great script for Cinemalaya. His story is a radical look on sexuality (actually non-sexuality), globalization and love. I hope he makes it in the Magic 10 so he can use the costumer parking lots.Some said that "costumers" actually means "customers." Gasp! Are the Pinoys that stupid? It's allegedly an Englification of "kostumer." I think this theory is right because why would you call them ""customer" e walang kustom yan (Why call them customers when they have no manners).This is similar to the "cementery" because its an Englification of "cementerio" or "sementerio."The Spanish cementerio comes from the Greek koimeterion, which is related to`dormitory'. So the dormitory-type crypts are not farfetched. Also in Ilocos, camposanto was more popular then.Does "cement" come from "cementerio." It started in the 1300s from the Old French "ciment," from L. cæmenta "stone chips used for making mortar," from cædere "to cut down, chop, beat, hew, fell, slay" from PIE base *(s)k(h)a- "to strike" (cf. Skt. skhidati "beats, tears," Lith. kaisti "shave," Ger. heien "beat").Cemetery is akin crematorium because of Late Latin's coemeterium which is also "graveyard."So the assumption that because cememnt is used for tombs naturally meant that the two came from the same is not accurate.About customer and costumer, there is little relation etymologically except that customer's many meanings include strumpet, lord and patron, which a costumer can easily a costume for. As for parking privileges in the Philippines, the costumers reign supreme above all classes.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down: Joke Inspired by Wrong Number Below

Then the bartender sees this guy talking to his hand.Perplexed, the bartender tells the guy to stop talking to his hand."But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand."Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender.This guy finishes his drink and goes to the restroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy.He finds him in the restroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass."I told you," says the bartender."Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"And sure enough....

Wrong Number

Ha ha ha! My friend Teddy Baguilat, the governor of Ifugao, was in the front page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer without lifting a finger, I mean phone. President Arroyo tried to call him and got a wrong number."Hehe. I really think they dialed the wrong number because I had my two CPs with me," the governor texted just now (5:20 am). "Kept waiting for their call. Eventually we talked."

Recycling Your CD

CD pirating is a police and local music and movie industry's problem. Otherwise only a small percentage of Filipinos is complaining. So our government makes a big fuss steamrolling these which is only good for photo opportunities and a nightmare for the streetsweepers:

How's do you find my English?

This is a page of a letter from Jose Rizal while exiled in Dapitan from 1892 to 1896. More than 110 years ago, you could count Filipinos who can speak in English and here he was, asking us if his English was fine. Then he moved on to French in the latter part of the letter. Remember the great Claro M. Recto who got Maximo Cum Laude in lawschool about forty years later did not pass the Bar because of his English comprehension.And Rizal wrote here that he was starting to learn Bisaya. But then his English was already even better than some Filipino professionals I exchange emails with.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Inday: Genius or Deconstructing the Phenomenon that Swamped the Cellphones

The Inday phenomenon surprised many of us (that's why it's a phenomenon) but in the long run, I got the root of it all. I actually got into the middle part of the phenomenon, gettingsome Inday jokes when probably half of the country were already into it only to learn that I was actually into it before most of my friends. I was glad that at least there was a running joke not just solitary jokes being sent and resent, Inday, if you don't know yet, is this too articulate maid in the household of the Montemayors who has an "on-and-off" relationship with Dodong, the gardener. Very stereotypical. But she speaks English so well and she was so knowledgable that she surprises even her employers, so she must not have aped them. Here's her blog. Or actually, someone got all these text messages and decided to "become" Inday. And now wants us to vote the blog for the "Most Humorous" when the blog is just a recycling center. Here's an introduction of the jokes. Also the idiot box could not be the source (as exemplified by the skit below) because our shows are so moronic to begin with. Just because she is "Inday" does not mean the "Imperial Manila" is the root of this. Never in the jokes did she speak Bisaya even in preparation of her killer put-downs.I first thought that the Inday phenomenon came from the Smart-Globe-Sun thinktank (you know the ones who recycles all these jokes which are then sent to people and forwarded on and on so the telecoms rake in all the money). If so, what's the rationale? Are they targetting the over-qualified elementary schoolteachers who ended up as DH in England, HK or Singapore? Or the engineers and other professionals who ended up as elementary schoolteachers in US and Canada? But this had been going on for so long.Then it dawned on me. They are hitting on the call center agents who are trained to speak with an American accent talking technical matters to clue-less Americans.The Inday jokes are a way of putting them down. You may speak English with a twang but you are just Inday. Sosyal na Alalay, as her blog would say. Still an alalay.That said, we again resort to laughter as subversion. Laughing at ourselves, we are also laughing at our masters whom we know deep in our hearts (and brain) that we are smarter. I have overheard so many stories from these drunk callcenter agents (at 9 am) about how stupid the requests of their customers are but how superior (the customers) they still feel among themselves. And the agents can not react back or else they will lose their job.So they talk afterwards at the cafes, drunk and imitating their customers' crazy questions and how they react with their funny technicalese. Just like the Inday jokes.Now what would be interesting is the Fil-Am reaction to the phenomenon. Some Toronto guy already wrote that this Inday thing is degrading to the Pinoy image and etc etc. Ho hum.Anyway, someone from Japan emailed this segment and apparently he or she got it from someone from the Philippines: Inday's appearance in Kris Aquino's Deal....Or No Deal:

Inday: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should begenerated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.

Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan? Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng"Lower!" everytime magbubukas ng case.Inday: Kris, I guess that's not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add "-er" to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right?

Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh. [Napaisip ulit ng audience at natahimik]

Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I'm not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It's quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on, isn't that a waste of airtime?

Inday: Ok, I'm ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker's offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the P500,000 or I'd get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there's only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker's offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.

Kris: Lord, panaginip ba 'to? Ayokonaaa?.

Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!

Even Donald Hall Knows Safe Sex

When I came out with the idea of a Safe Sex Poetry Night, I got emails asking me "Why?" and "What's safe sex?" Why not? Sex is a sexy topic and putting on a condom is not? The Catholic Church is winning the battle of words in this aspect. They call withdrawal, calendar and putting a thermometer in the sex organ of the woman to determine if she's not fertile natural family planning. What's natural with these? Then PGMA should mandate that Victoria's Secret and Anito should put a thermometer, pocket calendar and beads (for the bead method) alongside the Gideon's Bible. Hey, the natural family planning method got 90 percent of the FP budget!Anyway, here's a poem from the former U.S. Poet Laureate Donald Hall (from White Apples and the Taste of Stone. Copyright 2006 by D.H.)

Safe Sex

If he and she do not know each other, and feel confidentthey will not meet again; if he avoids affectionate words;

if she has grown insensible skin under skin; if they desireonly the tribute of another's cry; if they employ each other

as revenge on old lovers or families of entitlement and steel—then there will be no betrayals, no letters returned unread,

no frenzy, no hurled words of permanent humiliation,no trembling days, no vomit at midnight, no repeated

Thursday, November 22, 2007

How We Met:

Kalumpunay Update

I wrote earlier about the kalumpunay or angel's trumpet, an almost ubiquitous plant in the Cordillera, and its hallucinogenic effect; with the experiences of three bright boys in Sagada. Lucky they got out of it alive because a drug extracted from the kalumpunay is now considered the most dangerous drug in the world. Colombia is now the center of this drug called scopolamine. It is not yet a media phenomenon but in Colombia, there are about 50,000 reproted cases of scopolamine drugging. Scopolamine is a is a colorless, tasteless, odorless drug, and also known as hyoscine and is classified as a tropane alkaloid. The drug is reportedly used by criminals on making victims so zombie-like that they were made to help these criminals rob their own houses or empty their ATMs. Women became sex slaves after being induced into scopolamine. But then this drug is soemtimes applied on a woman's breast and when a man licks it, it's bye-bye. The weird fact is that after you wake up from the effects of the drug, you don't know what happened. Unfortunately this is not an effect of this drug or this:

Endpapers

These are the facing pages at the start or end of a book. You might have noticed them in the books of your childhood but rarely in your textbook and new novels. But drawger dot com actually has a website of interesting and colorful endpapers. They seem to tell us about the wonderful universe inside the books.

Tonight We Mate in Hell

Safe Sex Poetry Reading for World AIDS Day

The Baguio Writers Group and the Ubbog (a group of younger Baguio writers) will be holding a poetry reading on safe sex on December 1 at Rumours Bar in celebration of the International AIDS Day. Entitled: RIBBED, DOTTED OR STRAWBERRY, the reading will have the poets celebrating sex and romance without the life-changing results like pregnancy and STD. Virtual sex, condoms, the ineffectiveness of rhythm as a contraceptive method and bondage are among the subjects of the poems to be read. Ten of the poets would be reading and an open-mike follows. The poems would be the seed of a book on safe sex literature (definitely will not be considered for the Catholic Mass Media Awards) expected to come out next year. Sponsors of the reading are Rumours, Philippine NGO Council on Health, Population and Welfare and DKT Philippines. For more details contact: brutallyfrank@gmail.com

Kelsang

From Jim Ward of Bliss Cafe along Leonard wood Rd:Shanti's FIRST photo exhibit opens at 2 pm Sunday 25th at BLISSPACE. I know she is my wife and I love her and all that (but) her shots are well...amazing. Shan will put out some drinks & snacks for attendees. Special Guest is GEN KELSANG TONGLAM, resident abbot of New Kadampa Tradition at the Hong Kong Center. The schedule is as follows:

3 - 4:30 pm is a talk by Tonglam on "Engaged Buddhism in Today's Society"

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Saga of a Black Dog, White Cat and a Crawdaddy with the Imperial March as Soundtrack

Other Famous "Shut Ups" in History

When the King of Spain told the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (who adored Fidel Castro and called George Bush as “evil”), “Why Don’t You Shut Up.” People and the media were ecstatic. The admonition became a ringtone bestseller. But then by “people” I meant “Americans, Europeans and Australians.” Shame on little Hugo for being so obnoxious in front of your king. Let that put you in place, you former colonies,” they said.

In the Philippines, no one was talking about it. Maybe because we were as Emerson once said, shut up all the time. The Thomasites (early American teachers of our grandlolos) told us to shut up. Our grandlolas told our lolos to shut up or else the Japanese soldiers will kill them. Our mothers told us to shut up or else they will sell us to the Bombay selling umbrellas. Marcos told us to shut up. His successor, PGMA told us to shut up or kill us.

Haaay! So I decided to come out with a list of the most famous “Shut Ups” in history.

6. Never Miss a Chance to Shut Up. The great American entertainer and folk philosopher Will Rogers said, “Never miss a chance to shut up” and it became a witty put-down and motto for self-restraint. Richard Feynman, Nobel prize winner for Physics but more famous for his pithy observations on life, also had this as a motto: Shut up and calculate. This was also evident in “Finding Nemo” when Nigel told the seagulls who were all saying, “Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine” to “Oh, would you just shut up? You’re rats with wings.”

5. The Phantom Shut Up. Current Republican president frontrunner Rudolph Giuliani is haunted by a “Shut Up” that he might not have said. In 1989, Giuliani was said to have shouted, “Shut Up!” to his supporters who were hissing on his rival. This TV grab gave an image that he was easily agitated. Giuliani said sorry over the incident. 9-11 happened and he was redeemed a little. Now lip readers have now ascertained that he said “Kwaaaayett.”

4. Quiet Marcel Marceau, the most famous pantomime after Chaplin said, “It’s good to shut up sometimes.” Of course, he lived on that! On September 23, God told the 84-year-old French mime legend, “Shut Up,” and the whole world mourned in silence.

3. The Lord of Shut Up A junior Tory minister was making an impassioned speech about health services at a Commons committee meeting chaired by Lord Hailsham. In mid-flow, he was much disconcerted to hear the Lord Chancellor's voice suddenly exclaim, 'Shut up and come and sit on my knee!' It took everyone a moment to realise that Lord Hailsham was, in fact, addressing his pet dog, Mini."

2. Shut Up: The Song "Shut Up,” was the second song to come out from the Black Eyed Peas’ monster 2003 album, Elephunk. Because the carrier single, “Where Is The Love?” was so successful, the single was not released in the US but it topped the charts in Australia , Austria, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland and it reached Number Dos in the UK and the Netherlands.

Black Eyed Peas is huge in the Philippine because of apl.de.ap, who is Filipino. But the song with the chorus of multiple “Shut Up” became more popular the next year because of …

1. The Shut Up Tribunal. On May 2004, Philippine opposition congressman Didagen Dilangalen and then House Deputy Speaker Raul Gonzales were tussling and the lawmakers decided to recess. Their exchange was something like

“Dilangalen: “Shut up!”

Gonzalez: “Shut up!”

Dilangalen: “No, you shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!”

Someone from the audience gave Dilangalen, who was still in the rostrum, a note saying “Shut Up.” "Mr. Speaker, what have I done to receive this letter asking me to shut up? This is uncalled for. I want you to cite whoever sent this to me for contempt. I want immediate action, Mr. Speaker," Dilangalen said.

You have to listen to Dilangalen’s voice to imagine how funny the Shut Ups were in retrospect. So of course, his Shut Ups was incorporated in some versions of “Shut Up” by the Black Eyed Peas in the Philippines.

Pinoy Wraps

You are not a Pinoy if you have not sat on a sofa wrapped in plastic. The owner had to do that to preserve the "newness" of the furniture. Of course! But the sofa had been wrapped in plastic for ten years! So you are sweating there because your heat is reflected back to you and if you try to go near the girl seating on the pouch, your fingerprints would be visible to everyone except the NBI and police. This also happens in taxis and even bank couches. I never lied down on a psychiatrist couch but if that is wrapped, expect a Pinoy picking his nose while conversing with you about your plastic cover problems. Anyway, Vivre, famous market of decadence, opulence, and curious design, are now offering custom made plexiglass cases for your furniture. Not just plastic but plexiglass designed by in-house designer Maurice Renoma. You say French satire but I say Pinoy to the core. Watch.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Kapag ako si Chavez, Sagot ko sa Hari: Why Don't You Shut Up Also!

The king of Spain’s “why don’t you shut up?” embodies the connection with former notions of “natural” subjection of Latin Americans to new class interests to control and exploit the continent as in the old days of the monarchy. Maybe that “insatiable greed and ambition” keeps trying to run in the once upon a time called “New World”. Possibly, behind the unexpected intervention of the King and Zapatero’s defense of former president Aznar, are the old imperial ambitions, this time represented by the Spaniard corporations, such as Repsol, the oil company that has been severely affected by ongoing nationalization programs in Latin American countries, such as Bolivia.

Japanese Buzzwords

Yes, Japan still looms large in my psyche so this list is helpful. From Pink Tentacle, we bring you the 60 buzzwords for 2007.5. It couldn’t be helped [shouganai - しょうがない] A Japanese minister used this to refer to the bombing. Two weeks ago, the pilot of Enola Gay, the plane that bombed Hiroshima, died and still maintained that he never lost a sleep over what happened. Is this a way to absolve him?6. Cabinet of friends [o-tomodachi naikaku - お友達内閣]: “Cabinet of friends” was used to describe former Prime Minister Shinzo Abe’s first Cabinet. Similar to Erap's Midnight Cabinet.9. Madame Sushi [マダム・スシ]: When giving a lecture during a visit to Washington, former defense minister Yuriko Koike said to the audience: “Some people call me the ‘Japanese Rice’ after Madame Secretary Rice. Why don’t you call me ‘Madame Sushi’?” In Japan, ‘rice’ means ’sushi.18: Kawaigari [kawaigari - かわいがり]: Kawaigari usually means to “cherish” or “take under one’s wing,” but in the world of sumo it refers to the tradition of severe “training” given to rookie wrestlers at sumo stables. At the Tokitsukaze sumo stable, 17-year-old rookie Takashi Saito died after he was beaten with a metal bat as part of his kawaigari.21. Sonna no kankei nee [そんなの関係ねぇ]: Sonna no kankei nee (”It doesn’t matter!”) is the catchphrase from comedian Yoshio Kojima’s wildly famous routine. Thanks to YouTube, Kojima’s popularity has spread quickly across the globe.22. Oppappi [オッパッピー]: This is the other famous line from Kojima’s routine, which is apparently an abbreviation of “Ocean Pacific Peace.”28. Bottom-biting bug [oshiri kajiri mushi - おしりかじり虫]: Oshiri Kajiri Mushi (”Bottom Biting Bug”), the popular song about a dancing bug that likes to bite people on the butt, became a huge hit on Minna No Uta, a daily NHK program featuring original animated videos for family-oriented songs. Oshiri Kajiri Mushi became the featured dance number at this year’s school athletic meets, cultural festivals and other events nationwide.30. Dried-fish woman [himono onna - 干物女]: Himono onna (”dried-fish woman”) is an expression used in the movie Hotaru No Hikari to describe the main character, a woman in her 20s who has renounced the pursuit of romance. She spends her evenings reading manga and drinking at home alone, and she spends her weekends lazing around in bed. She’s a dried-fish woman. Akin to the APO hit song, "Tuyo na'ng damdamin" with "tuyo" meaning "dry" or "dried fish."32. The power of insensitivity [donkanryoku - 鈍感力]: Made popular by Donkanryoku(The Power of Insensitivity), a best-selling book written by popular novelist Junichi Watanabe, this expression means something like “thick skin” and refers to the ability to live in a relaxed manner without getting worked up over the little things. In Philippines, that is President Arroyo's culture of impunity regarding the killing of journalists and NGO workers.33. Akachan post [赤ちゃんポスト]: Akachan post (”baby post”) refers to the controversial drop box for unwanted babies set up at a hospital in Kumamoto this year, which is designed to provide parents a safe and anonymous way to abandon their babies. Similar baby hatches have been set up in the past, including one at a foster home in Japan’s Gunma prefecture that was used from 1986 to 1991.39. Monster parents [モンスターペアレント]: The term “monster parents” refers to Japan’s growing ranks of annoying parents who make extravagant and unreasonable demands of their children’s schools.40. Dark website [yami site - 闇サイト]: Yami sites (”dark websites”) are online networking sites where people can take out hit contracts on others, make illegal transactions (drugs, fake bank accounts, hacked cellphones, prostitution, etc.), and meet suicide partners. Japan has seen a recent rise in the number of murders arranged through these web-based hotbeds of criminal activity. 41. Net cafe refugees [net cafe nanmin - ネットカフェ難民]: “Net cafe refugees” is an expression used by the Japanese media to refer to the growing number of day laborers who spend their nights in 24-hour internet cafe booths. The Japan Cafe Complex Association (JCCA) opposes the media’s use of the word “refugee” to describe these important customers. A government survey this year estimates there are about 5,400 net cafe refugees in Japan.46. China shock/China-free [チャイナショック／チャイナフリー]: “China shock” refers to the impact felt in world markets after the Shanghai Composite Index took a steep plunge in February. “China-free,” a phrase that grew in popularity after a string of Chinese products (toothpaste, toys, etc.) were found to contain hazardous materials, refers to products not made in China.51. Motepuyo [もてぷよ]: Motepuyo, a term that means something like “chubby cute,” describes women who are plump, small in stature, and cute. With a fine line between motepuyo and chubby, some say the only difference is whether or not a woman has a cute face.

Unveiling the NPC Painting

The Neo-Angono Artists Collective unveiled the original and unaltered press freedom mural printed on 8 x 32 ft tarpaulin today at 8:00 in the morning. The unveiling, which was held inside the Angono Gymnasium, marks the opening of the 3-day Neo-Angono 4th Public Art Festival. The group also presented to the public a comprehensive explanation to “decode” the contents of the mural. The National Press Club, which commissioned the Neo-Angono artists, has kept the mural away from the viewing public. Angono Mayor Hon. Aurora A. Villamayor and Vice-Mayor Junvic Saguinsin are the guests of honor.

Finding Nemo: The Existentialist Version

Monday, November 19, 2007

Filipino-American Reading List: Punkd!

Nerissa Balce sent this through Roland:

In the grand tradition of English film titles translated into Filipino, such as Adik si Harry, Tumira ng Shabu (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone), Uuy...Aminin! (I Know What You did Last Summer) and Ang Proyekto ng Bruhang si Blair (The Blair Witch Project), here are some playful translations of books by Filipino American studies scholars. The asides and alternative titles are mine.

I also looked at anti-Desperate Housewives online petition originator Kevin Nadal's book list for other Fil-Am Studies canon (Hey, he won a contest at Michigan State for his Asian-American book collection!). These are other Fil-Am Studies tomes ripe for translation:

Trip to Quiapo

Forget the lack of traffic. Look at the blue skies. You can almsot see forever then. And the red jeeps and buses. YCO Paint made just for the tropics. I never heard "tropics" referred to the Philippines anymore. And the glamor of Wild Africa with D'Congo Soda Fountain. You had a feeling the Low Waist Gang would sip their sodas here before moving to stronger brewskis. Peacetime Restaurant recalling the false hope of life after The Great War. We didn't have EDSA Rev Disco or Edsa Dos Resto, didn't we? This was Quiapo before it became a taong grasa.

Shot

Roland, This Should Be Included in Our Book!

The Rodriguez Sisters in Seeing Stars With JQ 1974. That couldn't be the Aldeguer Sisters unless Gus decided to go trans that early. Is that Jean Saburit at the back because I have a strong feeling this was the show when the indefatigable Joe Quirino made the famous faux pas: "We'll be back ngarud with Jean Saburat."