Anyone with kids won’t have been able to miss the hugely successful CBBC series, Horrible Histories, but increasingly, large numbers of women are watching for entirely different reasons. Yes, the comedy sketches are genuinely, award winningly funny and the songs are infuriatingly catchy but underneath the beards, wigs and historically accurate outfits, those boys are HAWT.

(I don’t want to forget the women of Horrible Histories who are gorgeous too, but I shall leave their virtues to another time and another blogger…)

When I first mentioned the attractiveness of the HH cast on twitter, I was surprised by the reaction, not that it came back positively (and then some), but how different the focus of people’s lust is, I’d assumed that *everyone* just fancied Mat, but not so…

For ease, I like to list my lust for them in order of which George they play in the fabulous West Life pastiche Born 2 Rule. So for me it goes: George I, George II, George IV and then George III, yet I’ve met women who have that list entirely reversed.

So here is why each cast member deserves to be in the Pauseliveaction Lust Box (in the order I’d let them in)…

Ben Willbond (George I, Henry VIII, Mike Peabody)

Reasons for Ben’s inclusion in the Lustbox: he studied languages at Oxford, he’s a Perrier award winner, he can sing (a major reason for fancying anyone, in my book), he acts in proper grown up stuff (Thick of It, Extras, short films such as Tooty’s Wedding which he also produced), he plays cricket, he does daft accents with real relish and… well have you seen his FACE? Those dark blue, sloping eyes, that hair and the smirk that never seems to quite leave his face… Darn he’s so perty.

The name’s Bond. Willbond.

I particularly like the unmade up version of Ben where you can see his moles and freckles, sadly you don’t often get to see that on Horrible Histories, so treat yourself to Exit Strategy on YouTube – 7 minutes of Willbond in a dressing gown

It shouldn’t be possible to fancy ANYONE while dressed as Henry VIII but something particularly peculiar happens when he sings “First Tudor and my dad” and then “that must have hurt him lots”. It’s just gloriously, deliciously wrong.

In The Few (an RAF tribute in the style of Take That) he sings, in a brilliantly daft Czech accent, “some of the bravest men were Polish and Czech…”, then does a high-five whilst looking at the camera, well… if I had it on VHS, it would have been WORN OUT by now… swoon…

And I haven’t even mentioned him as William Wallace…or when he says “hot sausage” or “they have fudge? I LOVE fudge!” in a German accent…

Mat Baynton (George II, Charles II, Dick Turpin)

Mat is the obvious target of teen affection – he’s young, big eyed, floppy haired and just for the wink alone that accompanies the line “I was the bad one…” in Born 2 Rule, he’d make it into the Lust box… And then there was the Dick Turpin song; the eyeliner, those trousers…

The song is supposed to dispel the myth of the dandy highwayman,yet it’s just increased the queue of women hoping he’ll Stand and Deliver…

Add to this his indie credentials in both his band Special Benny and solo as Dog Ears (which should be called Puppy Dog Eyes for all the lash batting he does in the videos), if he wasn’t in HH he’d be a proper pop idol.

To prove his universal appeal, friends in their 30s go weak at the knees at the mention of Charles II, while I’ve watched pre-teenage girls dash across the Albert Hall just to high-five him during the Prom… and he was dressed as a Viking!

Jim Howick (George IV, Richard III, Douglas Bader)

With his sparkly blue eyes and lovely hair Jim deserves his place in the Lust box for being just enough like David Mitchell, only a David Mitchell that is good with kids and can sing. And boy, can Jim sing. The strongest of all the voices with a truly impressive range used to great effect in Born 2 Rule (the Prom version is a real treat).

His ability to project as the Shouty Man is just wonderful. I want to see him doing some really proper singing in something big, he’s got it in him.

Moreover, as Douglas Bader in The Few he’s positively ‘take-home-to-your-mum’ adorable.

He’s a Sussex boy too…West Sussex, but we’ll let him off…

Simon Farnaby (George III, Stupid Death)

I think Simon is brilliant and lovely (and in the Mighty Boosh!) but isn’t my type lustwise so I asked a couple of friends with serious crushes on him for their reasons to include him in the Lustbox. This was their response:

Friend 1: “He’s tall and could chat me up with those narrowed eyes of his. He’s clearly the most rebellious of the crew so reckon he’d be up for a couple of beers and be a bit sweary. Alcohol and rebellion makes him instantly attractive.”

Friend 2: “Wildly sexy; irreverent; clearly very good in bed; great sense of humour and sneeringly Alan Rickman-esque.” Although somewhat worryingly, she adds that she only hearts him in the Stupid Death costume which is just perverted…

In addition to the 4 Georges, I should include an honourable mention to Laurence Rickard who is usually under so many prosthetics it’s impossible to see him at all. However, after this series’ RAF tribute “The Few”, it turns out “old Bobsy” is a bit of a hottie too…

13 responses to “Lustbox: Horrible Histories Boys”

Aside from the fact I’d swap Simon and Laurence (and therefore my order would be George II, Laurence, George IV and George I), you’ve hit the nail on the head here! Love it! This is the most exciting post on PLA in, like, forever and I love ALL the PLA posts! 😛

If we are restricting it to the Georges: if I HAD to put them in order, it would be I, III, IV, II. Willbond is delicious, Farnaby looks kinky 😉 , Howick is a sweetheart and Baynton is a puppy. The reason Baynton is so low is purely because he’s too skinny for me, I’d be scared of breaking him. After seeing him with the wee bairn yesterday though he’s improving on me (there is nothing sexier than a man cuddling his own baby)

I may be the lone voice in the HH fandom that says this but – Georges IV and III, that’s all. Ben would take one look at me and run away screaming; the man is the definition of posh and I am the anti-thesis of posh. Mat looks like he’s younger than me (even though he’s almost a decade older than me) so i feel dirty and like he’s being corrupted; irrational but true.

Anyway, Jim’s sheer adorable sweetness gives him priority; the man makes even NERO attractive and vulnerable even though his tweets prove he’s not as innocent as he wants us to believe. Plus he’s quiet short compared to me so I could scoop him up for hugs. His interaction with fandom is amazing- he responds to tweets and generally is wonderful to the fans no matter what. He also has the unfair advantage of playing a sympathetic Richard III.

Simon – if most girls have at least one bad boy in her life, he’s mine. His faults – smoking, cursing, drinking, inappropriate rambles – are outweighed by his oddly endearing flaws. His unusual looks, inability to carry a tune or dance, all make him relatable. His hair is this wonderful, curly, sentiant mop I must hug and play with. His eyes waver between green, gray, and gold. His lean build with light muscles is so endearing and somewhat vulnerable; I feel the need to protect him. He isn’t afraid to play a role slightly out there yet a few fans have described him as shy when approached by fans. Then you see him in more adult roles and sit there going “How the heck did you get on HH?”

tl;dr Jim and Simon in that order for their quirky wonderfulness.

PS: If ranking all the HH I like it would be #1 Jim; #2 Simon; #3 Lawry (Cromwell; replacement George III in series 2; James Hind); #4 Larry (Bobsy; Henry V); #5 Greg Jenner (Historical Researcher – he’s the short one with curly hair; most recognizable as William I’s manservant).

I really did think I must be the only person having very inappropriate thoughts about Ben Willbond… I put it down to being single with a toddler, nil social life and unlimited access to bbc i player but it looks like I’m just clambering aboard an already well packed wagon. A ‘romantic’ dream about Henry VIII last week heralded the first nice thoughts I’ve had about a man in over 9 months. Ben is free therapy! We share the same birthday and I make lovely cakes, do you reckon I could make him a thank you birthday cake without injunctions being involved?

Laurence is the top of the list for me by a clear mile. Big blue eyes (nice and wrkinly edged), great hair and hilarious tweets, his smouldering looks to camera and sexily slightly awkward dancing make me go weak. He lives quite nearby (Brighton) and I harbour shameful secret fantasies of bumping into him.