Musings on exploring BDSM/Kink – Part 3

Hopefully I won’t delete this one after a post-publish edit this time! 😂

First of all, I just want to say thank you to everyone who’s sent lovely messages of encouragement and support for launching my author site, means the world! 😀

And also a huge thank you to everyone who’s left me messages of support from Part 2. I was very nervous about posting it and very nearly didn’t. I like being able to share my thoughts and non-writing related rambles with you guys about looking in to this particular subject, so thank you ❤

A topic that has recently really been bugging me to write is about how I decided to really start looking in to BDSM/Kink and everything in between. Why in the last few months? Why not before?

I started to look more in to BDSM after Fifty Shades of Grey was released as a huge hit. But only a little. Part of me was still scared to pursue my knowledge further because I still felt like to have a few kinks meant there was “something wrong with me”.

As I mentioned before, when a BDSM scene was depicted in a TV show, the general reaction around me from certain people was, “People who are in to that are weird!” “They need their heads checking!” etc. So you can see where all these underlying feelings of guilt and shame came from.

So I started looking, but only the odd ABC documentary or listening to FSOG on an audiobook to see what it was all really about. Very much like the teenager who hides the dirty magazine under the bed, I kept it very secret. I wasn’t open about it at all as I hadn’t fully accepted it within myself that guess what? It’s ok to have kinks. Now repeat.

Learning about SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual), considerable amounts of talking, respecting limits and safe words being so heavily emphasised in BDSM given its stereotypes, made me have a lot of respect for the people that practiced BDSM in this way, regardless if I was in to the same things or not.

Freely exploring this has, on a more personal note, been a big milestone for me. Around a year after FSOG was a widespread hit, I had just walked out of an abusive, short-lived relationship.

To cut a long story short, the ex in question wanted to do a certain sexual act (non BDSM related) I wasn’t comfortable with. I told him just that and said no. With that, the horrid words came which I won’t go in to.

My boundaries and opinions were completely disregarded. No matter how many times I told him (this was a phone conversation) that I wasn’t comfortable and wasn’t going to, he didn’t care. I dumped him immediately, humiliated and mentally battered. It took a long time for me to bounce back from that.

I’m very thankful to say now I’m in a healthy, happy and loving relationship with a wonderful man.

As I began writing my stories and getting them out on this platform, my confidence grew. I felt happier than I had in a long time as I was no longer keeping my occasional attempts at steamy romance writing a secret. And I was no longer ashamed of my personal kinks.

So I took the plunge and started exploring. It just felt it was the right time. After what I had experienced, knowing that consent and respecting limits was so emphasised in the scene, made me feel so much better about exploring this side of myself.

With the support of my boyfriend, who I had spoken to at length about all of this, I began to start researching and writing.

Also knowing I wasn’t alone as well in my interests helped. I’ve friends who are involved in this scene in varying degrees I.e. A friend of a close friend is a Dom, an old uni friend is a masochist, the other in to bondage etc. (We’re a right bunch, aren’t we? Haha!)

Those around me have noticed a change. They say I seem more relaxed and more comfortable in my own skin 🙂 They know I write, and I was recently confident enough to tell them exactly what genre I write. And you know what? They were totally cool with it and have been incredibly supportive 😀

So now I have no conflict with myself in regards to writing what I write or liking D/s. As far as that goes, I’m completely comfortable in my own skin 😊

And instead of letting judgements thrown my way get to me, I now just humorously think this to myself:

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6 thoughts on “Musings on exploring BDSM/Kink – Part 3”

FSOG??? Not an acronym I’m familiar with. So glad though that you are now comfortable in your own skin! Glad too, that you have found a caring and compassionate man. I encourage you to keep exploring and learning. That safe, sane, and consensual thing is so important. But it can allow for an exciting and rewarding life!

Fifty Shades of Grey, I thought if I used the acronym it’d save me being repetitive lol 😂 It’s taken a long time but I got there eventually! 😊 I knew everything was consensual but had no idea just how much limits were respected (at the time when it was less mainstream any TV shows where I saw it depicted was usually for comedic purpose: the stereotypical Miss Whiplash flogging the crap out of someone) and not actually going in to negotiations, limits and SSC etc. When I decided a few months ago to dive right in, knowing SSC was there was the safety I needed after something like that.
He’s wonderful 😀 He’s never once made me feel scared or pushed, instead respected and protected 😊 He’s been fantastic with this and supportive since day one.
Thanks for the encouragement and support as always! And indeed, it definitely is exciting! 😉 x