Question

What can I do if my husband won't help with the baby or the housework?

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I'm grateful that I can stay home with our 6-month-old, but my husband doesn't realize that while his job is Monday through Friday, mine is seven days a week. It's like pulling teeth to get him to watch our 6-month-old for half an hour so I can take a shower or just get a breather. He won't change a diaper unless I ask, and then he gives me a hard time about it. The same goes for feedings or even giving the baby attention. I can't get him to clean, cook, or help with the laundry either. I'm exhausted and I never have time for myself. What can I do?

Mom Answers

I know what you are going through. My son is only 2 mons. old but his father dosen't help me either. He says he works so he shouldn't have to. It is very frustrating but he needs to realize I didn't make our son on my own and so do the rest of the men.

I am very lucky, my husband is a great father and is the primary care giver to our 5 month old. I went back to work three weeks ago and he is continuing the parental leave (1 year in Canada). He takes great care of our son, cleans the house, does the laundry, and has a nice meal ready when I get home. He is better at getting it all done than I was. I just dread having to find a caregiver in August that is not a relative who loves Jason. So they are all not bad!

I had to give my husband a reality check, and tell him, yes, I could handle it ALL, but I might never have enough energy or interest in SEX again! Not a threat, just reality...I'm narcoleptic and fall asleep whenever when I'm overtired!

My Husband was the same. It got so bad when my son was 3mos old and I was on the verge of a nervous break down from lack of sleep that I told him if he did not help we were on our way to a divorce. The baby was just as much his responsibility as mine. This led to a long discussion where I let all of my frustrations out. He had no idea this was how I was feeling. I was surprised to hear from him that his lack of help was because he didn't really know what to do or how to take care of the baby. I told him I didn't have all the answers either when it came to child care, but if he would help I would tell him what I did in situations like how to get the baby to stop crying, or how I held the baby when I fed him etc. Since then, and it had its ups and downs, my hubby has been great. He is now very confident in his abilities to care for our son and is turning out to be a great dad. By the way our marriage is much better to.
Hope this helps
signed,
been there

I just wanted to add that I feel for you. We just had our second child and it's very hard. Parenting is a 50/50 job, although most times it doesn't seem that way. But, he had a hand in this too and noone said that it was going to be easy. In the beginning, I think that most dad's feel a little left out. You need to include him and let him know that what he does matters to the baby and you. It will get better as the baby grows up a little and can really play with him. In the meantime, let him know how you feel and that, while you appreciate his hard work and his paycheck, the baby doesn't know what a paycheck is and the more time he spends with the baby now, the closer their bond will be in the future. Good luck!

Hi,
I hope the following helps:
- Ensure that the baby is being feed enough. If he is not sleeping for about 2-3 hours at a time it could be a sign that he is hungry. Also bathe him just before the feeding. This helps them sleep better.
- As soon as he goes to sleep take your shower and go to sleep
- After doing this for sometime I belive that your energy and strength will come back
- Sing for and pray with your baby. This will help calm you as well
- Write down a list of things you want to get done for e.g. in 2-3 days
- If you get up before the baby try to start one on your list. Don't worry if its not completed. The next time you get a little time try to complete it. When it is completed cross it off the list. Soon you will find the list getting smaller
- invite a trustworthy female friend or relative over when you have a major job to do e.g. weekly clothes washing. You can chat with the person while they play with the baby and you get your stuff done
- don't ask your huband for any help in the beginning. Don't quarrel or nag or say hurtful things. Tell him you love him and he means the world to you (even if you may not feel that way now) sometimes they get jealous off all the attention the baby gets and that is the reason for their selfish actions
- remind him that the child is his and that the baby needs to have a relationship with him from now so and that the baby needs some time with him just as he needs you
- when he is in his good mood tell him that you miss him but you can't have alone time with him cause you are tired and if he wants intimacy he needs to help you with e.g one specific thing like doing the dishes
- maintain this level of self control. Comb your hair, put on your makeup and smile more
- soon you will forget that the ever gave you any problems

You are not alone, I've spoken to several friends and relatives and they all went through the same thing. My solution was to find ways to cut down on housework and do only whatever is essential for me and the baby. We eat takeouts on paper plates during the week. I only do mine and the baby's laundry (my husband quickly learn to do the laundry after that). I only clean parts of the apt. that my baby and I use. After my husband comes home, I go out shopping for grocery or household goods alone and leave the baby with him, the alternative would be for him to do it and he is more reluctant to shop than watch the baby. Like a previous post, I would announce to my husband I'm going to take a shower and he'll need to watch the baby. Every Sunday or Saturday I would leave the house alone for couple of hours to shop for baby's clothes or just go to my parents' house to vegetate, but I always make sure I bring a little treat back for my husband. All this was not easily accomplshed, we fought constantly in the beginning, but everytime after I have moments to myself I always make sure my husband knows how much better I felt.
I also load on the guilt trip, like 'how the baby hasn't respond to my husband as much the last few days because my husband was busy with his own thing'. And when my husband spends time with the baby, I would comment on how the baby looks so happy that his Dad is playing with him, or that they look so cute together when my husband tries to feed him.
I know that maybe when your husband takes over he might not or most likely won't do as good of a job as you, but you must make him do the work sometimes, remember your baby will need you for many more years to come, if you work yourself sick who would look after your baby.

Boy, can I relate! I think most new mom's can. I can't even begin to tell you how big of a problem this is among my friends and I. We forget to set the ground rules when we decide to have children. We forget to talk about our expectations, or even admit to the fears of it all. When two people make a baby, nobody tells them how hard it is going to be, and when someone does, we don't believe them. It isn't until after the baby comes along and changes our lives do we then know exactly what they meant. So don't feel alone in this, we women go through this all the time. It is almost a rite of passage into motherhood. We need to change this, and we need to begin with our sons. Our sons learn how to treat their women by watching how their fathers treat their mothers, and it is all about what we put up with while our kids are watching. Don't let this happen to you! Too many grandmama's out there are raising their grandchildren because they allowed too much leniency when it came to raising their sons. "Boys can take care of themselves," we say. Not true. They need just as much maintenance as our daughters do. If we paid as much attention to our sons, they would know how to respect women and all that we do. There is no excuse for a man to treat their woman this way - you don't deserve it, and he should be smarter and realize that. Give him what he deserves back - no attention, no nothing. Don't depend on him for anything, if he thinks his paycheck is worth so much. Find your own money (it can be done!), go back to work, educate yourself... it is all about finding your own worth in the end. If you believe you are worth more, then everybody else will believe it, too. Don't allow someone (not even your husband) to have so much power over you that you have to live by their rules or their terms. Marriage is a two-way street, and so are the responsibilities of a parent. If he wants to be miserable, don't join him. Be inspired by your child and your ability to bear children and take on this burden by yourself - if he refuses to share the load, he doesn't deserve to have a family. Good luck and don't feel down! Always know that you are not alone! God is with you, and if He didn't feel that you could handle this, He would not have introduced the concept in your life. Remember that. He believed in you enough to gift you with a beautiful child - and your child wanted so much to be with you, he or she was willing to enter your life no matter what it had in it. YOU ARE BLESSED!!!

Wow, that's a tough situation. Of course you can't force him to help out, but your baby will realize soon enough that mom is the only one that he or she can count on for any kind of emotional support. Your husband will be sorry later on when his own child wont want to have anything to do with him.

i am going through the same thing and i asked my man why doesnt he help,...he said i'm so anal with the baby he doesnt want to mess up any routines i have going on. Thats B.S. to me. We talked about it and he's a little more helpful nowadays, if our baby cries he'll get him. Since I'm breastfeeding he feels so helpless, he even said he's a little uncomfortable because our son is so small.So he said when our son starts eating solids at 6 mo. he'll watch him more and even take him with him when he goes out. I will definitely take him up on that offer. As far as the house work goes, he's a mess, thats just how some men are. I am still on maternity leave and as far as house work goes I do a little cleaning everyday the more important things like, wash the dishes and keep the bedroom neat and the bathroom. Everything else can wait until later, just make sure the most important stuff is done. Some days i just relax all day with the baby and just cook dinner and stay in my P.J.s. It feels good and when my husband comes home we eat dinner and we relax some more with the baby. So dont take the house wife thing so seriuosly, You can take a day once a week, and just relax with your baby.

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