Thursday, January 16, 2014

Oh Lordy, it's January

I’m sorry to be saying but it’s real as
taxes. Now I understand that we all got to go but being dead is no excuse for
bad manners and that’s why I’m here to be setting things to rights.

First off there’s the flowers. Honey, roses
and even a few carnations and the occasional planter are perfectly acceptable
but for crying in a bucket a floral clock with the hands stopped at the time of
the passing is out of the question.

And keep in mind you must always be keeping
your “death-ready” pantry up to
speed. The
number of dishes (or grief therapy) brought to the house suggests your social
standing in the community. Do you want to be last on that list, well I should
say not.

As soon as you get the call you need be rushing right over
with stuffed eggs, chicken salad, caramel cake and some pecan tassies. Everyone
knows Pimiento cheese is paste that holds the South together through think and
thin.

Remember that casseroles that contain cream
of mushroom soup and Velveeta cheese are considered second tier, but a can of cream
of asparagus soup added elevates the dish to a higher status. And of course banana pudding is the Cadillac of
southern desserts

It’s right important to label the deceased as
successful, no matter how circuitous a word route it demands. The written
description needs to include enough truth that the dead person is somewhat
recognizable, but include enough flattery to please the grieving family and
friends.

And of course you must encourage those
relatives to attend who do the most carrying on. Someone
discreetly weeping into a hankie just doesn't have the same appeal as multiple
women screaming and throwing themselves onto the casket as it is being lowered
into the ground.

And for heaven’s sake keep in mind that Led
Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven is only
appropriate if you are one of them Yankees. In this part of the world Amazing Grace will do fine, thank you
very much.

You all take care now, ya’ hear and be sure
to keep that death pantry stocked just in case.

20 comments:

Hi, Candace. Well, honey, all I can is is that we all know death is never funny one little bit but some of the stuff we do when people up and die sure are. Lordy. Thanks for chatting and be taking good care of yourself now, ya' hear. Hugs, Auntie KiKi.

I look forward to reading Pearls and Poison. I'm just finishing Killer in Crinolines. You have hit the nail on the head when you say January is the month for funerals. In the past 2 weeks, I have been informed of the passing of a friend's Mother, a friend's husband and a friend, all of whom live out of state. Last night, my husband and I attended the visitation for the lady who was our daughter's babysitter and also a good friend. Lets hope the rest of the month will be better!

Lordy, Dianne, you surely have been through some mighty tough times this January. I'm thinking you need some fun. Honey, if I were you I'd get myself a box of pralines and a bottle of Wild Turkey honey bourbon and forget this here month ever existed. You take care of yourself now, ya hear. Love ya, Auntie KiKi

Well now, Willow, I certainly agree. As soon as I run low on elbow macaroni and Velveeta people around here start dropping like flies, I do declare. I always keep extra eggs and and that good mayo on hand to I can whip up deviled eggs fast. Has saved my Southern behind more times than I can count. You have a good day now and remember to put on your pearls and sit up straight. Hugs, Auntie KiKi.

I can't wait to see what Regan and Aunt Kiki have been up to. I live just a stone's throw on the southern side of the Mason Dixon line and I have found that the funeral food delivery has really gone out of fashion. My parents always used to send deli platters to out of town friends and family from local establishments but lately they seem more bothered by it than pleased. They have taken to sending an orchid instead.

Oh, honey, aren't you just divine. Reagan and I and Gloria will be back right soon and this time we're hunting a killer to keep Gloria out of prison, I do declare. Get your honey bourbon ready and mix up the martinis, it won't be long now.

It's a bit different in my community. Since we attend an Orthodox Temple everyone's version of what is Kosher tends to slip and slide. So we have a caterer who can deliver a platter that will pass the Rabbis muster. Flowers are NOT used at the funeral but a tasteful bouquet sent to the home is allowed.

The custom of "sitting shiva" starts the moment you return from the cemetery and you must remember to post your visiting hours quickly so that you have some time with just your immediate family to talk about whoever has passed.

Hi, Rachelle honey, In Peals and Poison you cook up some mighty fine dishes and you are also a murder suspect. Maybe we should be looking into how to bake a file in a cake just in case you wind up in the slammer. Hugs, KiKi

I'm still laughing! I love you Aunt Kiki! I must read the books you are in! SO funny! Yes I know death is certain, and quite serious, but until then, laughter is still the best medicine...and a Cozy Mystery too of course!

On, Sharon, now bless your heart. No matter how serious the situation there is always a little something to laugh about and having a martini in your hand sure helps things along. Don't let your death pantry run low now, ya hear. When that happens sure enough someone is bound to wind up over there at The Eternal House of Slumber.

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