09: Catch a Throwing Star

Ninja are pesky little critters, to say the least. They are either jumping in windows, throwing sharp objects at you, or raiding the fridge. Unfortunately, with one exception (Michael Dudikoff), the world as we know it largely ignores the ninja problem. Under threat of much violence, a number of movies have documented the daily activities of deadly, black pajama assassins. Journey with us now into the world of the ninja.

And then it’s time for biffo! The ninja beats up two of the security guards. Two more charge in, pulling their guns. The first one is dispatched with a throwing star, the second, in the moment that made me fall in love with this film, has his weapon blow-darted. BLAMMO!!

Why do maleficent dictators always use their worst enemy’s corpse or life essence to make the ultimate cyborg warrior? Sure, it’s sinister, it is also gosh darned stupid. Find a fanatical, loyal swordmaster among your own followers and turn him (or her, be it Meg Foster) into the walking Quisinart.

And the first thing you’ll notice about these ninjas is that, well, they don’t look like ninjas. I know what ninjas look like; they dress in black with hoods and stuff. These four look like fantasy manga characters brought to life complete with brightly-colored short skirts.

The White Ninja advances to a wooded area. Numerous black ninjas lurk not only up in the trees, but below ground under layers of fallen leaves. The White Ninja starts Ninja-leaping around, hacking up his foes left and right. He then continues on as the attacks against him continue. I have to admit, he’s living up to the title. When a black ninja fires an arrow at him, he catches it and tosses it back, impaling the guy. Another BN tosses a throwing star, whereupon the White Ninja rebounds it off his sword (!) into his attacker’s forehead.

We had to wonder about that whole “ninja cult” designation. Usually ninja live in clans. Maybe the Makato decided that “ninja clan” sounds too much like “ninja clam” if you say it quickly, and honestly, who’s afraid of a mollusk in black pajamas?

By the 1980s, things really got out of hand, and more than a few movies from both sides of the Pacific featured people in wildly colorful ninja outfits running around the streets of modern day cities. Of course, any real ninja would understand the key to performing their job is to blend end and seem nondescript and normal. You don’t get very far as a spy if you look like a spy, and there is very little that’s nondescript about a guy in metallic red pajamas and a facemask running down the streets of modern-day Duluth while waving a katana over his head.

If you are reading this you have come too far; go back and pick one of the reviews. I swear, some people are worse than Alice when it comes to following the rules. Rules are good. They do not always make sense, but they do contribute to the story.