Sunday, November 19, 2017

The last few weeks have been rough and wracked with uncertainty over a decision which pits my head against my heart. I've been repeatedly avoiding making a decision, and much like Sarah in Labyrinth, I keep making wrong turns, conveniently forgetting helpful details, and often failing to realize the level of importance certain things hold in my life.

I've turned to tarot a couple of times asking for guidance, receiving the lovers more than once, which indicates to me that I should honor my heart over my head. The trick to this, however, is knowing up from down and heart from head. Sometimes the two aren't as easily distinguished as we'd like to believe and often are deeply entangled.

For Self-Care Sunday, I received another baffling reading that further grayed the line between heart and head for me until I pulled two additional clarifying cards.

Release This

The 3 of Cups baffled me when I turned it over—such a happy card of emotional attachment and bonding with others. It has appeared before as a card of distraction for me. 3 of Cups is a major issue for me and one that has rarely led me to positive ends. I focus too much on social obligations, and often I'm endlessly distracted by building some sort of social network of friendships and relationships. I'm not sure why I continue to be baffled by this card, but I'm clearly blind to what I need to do. In addition, which social attachments does it even refer to?

When I asked for clarification, I pulled the 10 of Coins reversed—a difficult transition and an inability to break ties necessary for happiness and clarity. Clarity. This jumped out at me and slapped me across the face since I was also confused about the reversed Ace of Swords as my card to embrace. It also defined for me exactly which relationships were taking its toll on me, which was an answer I already knew, but did not want to face.

Embrace This

The Ace of Swords is awfully morbid in the Ostara interpretation, not to mention frustrating that I'm being asking to embrace confusion. However, I think once again my intentional blindness to the situation clouded my interpretation as I was being willfully dense to the message the cards were trying to send me. As this Self-Care Sunday spread is part of a group challenge in Daily Tarot, I shared my result and my petulant interpretation of the reading.

Another member kindly offered their interpretation of the reading, pointing to my continued lack of forward movement on my final comps for graduation. Though I do not believe this reading is a direct nod to this, I do believe the issue I continue to hold on to and not release has a direct correlation with my inability to discipline myself and make progress on my paper. The sword (and clarity) is there for me if I just reach through the muddled mess of life and grab it. Unfortunately grabbing that sword often comes at the cost of something else.

For clarification, I pulled The Chariot reversed. My life feels as if it is spinning out of control. I'm no longer holding the reins, a master of my destiny, but rather a passenger on a roller coaster of destiny. That's not me. I'm a rein grabber, a chess player. Autonomy means more to me than any other part of my life, and I willingly sacrifice anything which stands between me and my personal power.

The Lesson

I keep telling myself Lovers are telling me to be compassionate, forgiving. Allow love to make the decision. Embrace love, and be love. However, I feel this spread has shown me I'm allowing traditional ideals of love to cloud my judgement. It's not love and acceptance of others I need to embrace, but rather love and acceptance for myself. For me head and heart are irrevocably intertwingled. I am my most happy and in love with myself when I am fully realized, which I have not quite been lately. I've allowed circular arguments to lead me back to the same places in the labyrinth, never quite moving forward. I can't do this anymore. I have to reach for that sword and anyone who gets in the way of it will be sacrificed.