Thursday, September 9, 2010

Barney

Hello there. I am a single father of two three-year old boys. Their favorite show is Barney and Friends.

...well, it used to be...until last night.

Yesterday, I was looking at my TV Guide when I saw something that caught my eye:

Tonight ONLY!

A LOST EPISODE OF BARNEY AND FRIENDS

FIRST AND ONLY CHANCE TO SEE IT!

AIRS AT 7:00!

Naturally, I asked my kids if they wanted to see it. Obviously, they said, "Yes." I got the popcorn ready. (They love to eat popcorn while watching Barney.)

When the time finally arrived, they rain into the living room, turned on the TV, and sat down on the couch with me. It started, and the familiar theme music began playing.

However, something wasn't right.

For starters, I could vaguely hear whispering during the music, and it sounded creepy. I shrugged it off, assuring myself that it was just my imagination. Anyway, the episode began like all of them do; the kids talked about something while holding a doll version of Barney.

Then, POOF! He comes to life, giggling like an idiot. He started speaking, and I turned it up slightly so we could hear it.

Barney sounded slightly weird, as if two people were talking at once - one with his normal voice, and another that sounded...demonic, to say the least. I tried to ignore it...but that's when I heard Barney (?) say, "Hi, kids. (childish giggling) Today, I'm going to teach you about...DEATH!"

I nearly fell out of my seat when I heard that. I wanted to turn it off, but for some reason, I...I couldn't. The show kept going.

Child 1: "What's death, Barney?"

Barney: "This is." His face suddenly turns angry and he grows teeth. He laughs evilly and bits the poor child's head off.

For some reason, my children kept watching, unaffected by the obviously disturbing stuff going on. Barney then proceeded to kill all of the children one by one, each time roaring. The children, at this point, started to run away from Barney, screaming and crying for their parents to save them.

Barney just chucked and said, in a demonic voice, "Mommy and Daddy can't help you!" He bit the helpless children in half, eating their brains and stomachs. Then Baby Bop and BJ came in, apparently not noticing the dead children.

"Well, Barney," Baby Bop said. "What did we learn today?" Barney grinned an evil grin and said directly to the camera....

"Remember kiddies, don't bother locking your doors and hiding under the bed because, sooner or later, I WILL FIND YOU AND KILL YOU ALL!" He then laughed demonically.

the rest of the damn episode showed a distorted picture of Barney, with a blood-curdling scream. That was the last straw. I reached for the remote and turned it off. I looked to my left and realized that my children were nowhere to be seen. Thinking that they already ran into their room, I went in there. However, I didn't find them. That's when I heard a voice behind me.

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When I was a kid, I used to love barney and one day in the newspaper, an evil demonic Barney was there. They said he only comes on in late nights. It was kinda creepy seeing that on a newspaper, so the demonic Barney is actually a show.