It’s worth noting that, last week, our movie review article was hijacked by untrustworthy stevedores who made terribly inaccurate predictions about the state of film. Their errors were terrible and we apologize for any inconvenience they cause you. On to this week!

The Amazing Spiderman

This movie opened Tuesday just to be difficult and try to fudge its box office numbers despite the fact you know it’s going to be popular, even though no one can explain why it exists. Seriously, it’s not like Tobey Maguire is dead or anything, there’s no god reason to reboot this franchise but they did it anyway.

The Lizard seems like a cool villain and all but I have a fear he’s going to look like the Geico Gecko once you see him full on. Plus if this is a reboot, does that mean I’m going to have to sit through the goddamn Green Goblin again in the next movie? Because I won’t have it, you hear me? Spiderman has literally hundreds of villains, do something new, for Christ’s sake. Put Mysterio in a movie. I demand Mysterio. But not the Rhino, because that was just a flabby guy in a rhino costume, and that’s ridiculous.

In a nutshell: #1 at the box office, obviously.

Savages

Someone already made a joke about how cool this movie would be if it was about Fred and Ben Savage so I really have jack shit to say about it. John Travolta is in it though and the last time I heard anything about him he was trying to molest a masseuse in a hotel or shack up with Tom Cruise or something like that.

This movie is probably not about feral people who hunt in packs or a mildly racist account of Native Americans so I dunno what to say at this point. I think Taylor Kitsch is in it too, and I hate his last name. isn’t he a model? Models don’t act. Did you ever see Fair Game with Cindy Crawford? There’s a scene where you could sorta see her boob in it. That was pretty impressive back in 1995.

In a nutshell: Bored people who don’t want to see Spiderman may go see this.

Katy Perry: Part of Me

If this movie doesn’t show Katie Perry’s boobs, and I’ll tell you now I know it doesn’t, then this has all the hope of a snow cone machine in Hell of being successful. Really, Katie Perry? You’re popular and all, but not movie popular. Don’t go thinking you can Justin Bieber your way into a reasonable box office return, no one gives enough of a shit about Katie Perry for this to work.

In a nutshell: A handful of teen girls will see this. You won’t, nor should you.

The Pact

This movie stars Casper van Dien. Do you actually remember him? Neither does anyone else. But to refresh your memory he was the star of Starship Troopers, a movie featuring a bunch of misanthropes killing bugs from outer space. If this movie isn’t a sequel to that, and I’m guessing by the name it’s not, then who gives a shit? Honestly.

In a nutshell: Wasn’t this a horror movie starring Anthony Hopkins lie a year ago? Who cares.

The Magic of Belle Isle

Belle Isle, as near as I can recall, was the name of the property Fletch inherits in the movie Fletch Lives. I will put money on this movie having nothing to do with Fletch which sucks because those were really funny movies. For real, Chevy Chase could knock some funny out of the park back in the day but it seems like he just hates life these days. Maybe one day he’ll get back to that kind of stuff. I think he’s just bitter after the years of criticism that people heap on him. Spend all your life trying to be funny and just get shit on, eventually nothing is funny anymore.

In summary I have no idea what this movie is about but it sounds boring.