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INTERNET — Hillary Clinton’s famous bodyguard and Q-Clearance Intelligence Agent “Q Anon”, known for leaking secret information, or “crumbs,” to an audience of millions of devotees, died Friday following a fatal priapism in Washington DC.

‘Q’, as his fans know him, suddenly lost consciousness when his penis ruptured from a prolonged erection while standing guard at one of Hillary’s famous “Pizza Parties” for Democrat elites.

Bill Clinton, who first found ‘Q’ passed out on the floor in a puddle of blood, said, “I saw him a layin’ there bleeding out of his crotch, so I ripped his pants off. It looked like Elmer Fudd’s Shotgun, after Bugs Bunny stuck his finger in it. His member banana peeled and the blood was just rolling out. That’s when I called the paramedics in.”

Hillary expressed her condolences, but registered shock upon learning one of her bodyguards was indeed the man behind the mysterious Q Anon phenomenon, telling reporters, “It’s kind of sad how Q never ate any pizza. All he did was hang around the edge of the party, messing around on his phone, sniffing the pizza crumbs.”

Bill told reporters about his attempts to resuscitate Q, “They said he might’ve split his cock on his own, ahead of time, as some kind of masochist type sex play, or possibly he was injecting silicone to keep it artificially erect. They did their best but it was just too swollen up. Burst open and mushed like an overripe tomato. Nothin’ they could do to seal it up.”

The bitter funk of QAnon’s failure to challenge mainstream media or affect positive change of any kind, before his death, is palpable.

Darcy Klebold escorts “fake news” reporters off of her prop’ty.

Fans, expected to mourn the loss of their prophet, were “not happy.”

Darcy Klebold of Indiana, 56, told reporters, “We were promised Mueller would lock Hillary up. We were told there would be releases, and leaks, and documents dropping like anvils. We were promised our own, pure pizza party, one that protects our children and isn’t smeared with their adrenichrone.”

Darcy barked angrily at reporters. “Fake News!” and produced a tissue to wipe her terrified child’s tearful eyes, while photographing him with her smartphone.

Like and subscribe for more information on how Qanon’s death erased happiness from my life.

–Darcy Klebold, single mom

“Do you see what you fake news bandits have done to me and my family?” Darcy asked. “No seriously. Have you seen it? My social media’s BIG. I’m gonna #MAGA even if Q’s another fake news trick. Now #WalkAway from my broken family! And check out my little angel on Pinterest.”

“Soros is killin everyone, one by one, and he’s undoing all of Q’s big plans. My little boy’s going to grow up to be a GOOD BOY. You’ll see. I’ve taught him how to SHOOT. He’s gonna get that George Soros one day, mark my words. And ain’t NO elites gonna eat his pineal gland out of his head at none of their Satanic Pizza Parties.”

Darcy, throwing her child to the floor, produced a double barrel shotgun and demanded Internet Chronicle reporters leave the premises of her home.

“Soros is killing everyone, and he won’t take my BABY!” Darcy fired two shots into her ceiling. Indiana Regional Medical Center reported young Jerry Klebold was treated for ruptured eardrums the following day.

Q’s death has sent ripples of hatred and fear through the shattered conspiracy community, Lionel Nation told his viewers, “Our cogitations and rogations are with the friends and forebears of QAnonymous. Today the storm has settled.”

“In yet another predictable move, the solved game of 4-D chess grinds on.” Yeah, that’s right, I just quoted myself. It’s 2018 and I’m a smarmy cunt on the Internet! My opinions are organic, handcrafted, and locally sourced.

Hear hear, fellow denizens!

Political discussions, which have Very Important Consequences, must be taken as matters of life or death, friend or foe, Do or Die. YOU THINK THIS A FUCKIN’ GAME SON!?

Be sure to personally identify yourself by a cause (any cause will do!), so that high-minded, abstract, sensitive disagreements are interpreted as an affront to the very essence of your wretched being. As always, be sure to LASH OUT at the first signs of divergence, so as to Win the Aggression first. This is how like, our fucking ancestors did it, man. Tribal hate is tested and approved through the generations, and it WILL work for YOU!

The unprovoked attack appeared as part of routine bullshit called Microsoft feature roll-up, a process during which Windows 10 users’ machines do hidden things with implied consent, “like magic.”

For years, Windows has milked its userbase for extra coke money.

In the latest update, a pop-up briefly explains that it has been a while since you paid Microsoft for something, so the Fall Creators’ Update is offering users a choice between premium digital licenses to kiss Bill Gates’ fuzzy, wrinkled ass, or else go fuck yourselves and downgrade to Home Edition for free.

A sleek, modern update portal now lets users subscribe to a random kick in the dick by simply doing nothing. Uncheck a box, or agree to recurring charges, because you deserve it. The first update’s on the house!