Listen to the tone of the first words out of Cena’s mouth. You just know he’s going to be terrible tonight. He calls the guy who won the WWE Championship and beat him to sh*t with it last week a coward again and says he’s “somehow mastered the ancient art of douchebaggery”. Like four kids in the crowd cheer. Even the crowd thinks you sound like a troll, John. How hard would it have been for him to say “Alberto Del Rio jumped me last week, beat the hell out of me, I don’t know where he is this week but the minute I see him I’m going to give it right back to him” if you need to breeze past Alberto’s visa issues and do something else on the show? When Mark Henry’s music interrupted him I got excited, but then Mark walked out with that sad look on his face that read “here I am on Raw again, just another person”.

Cena must’ve gotten stuck in Shooting Infant mode with his crack about Alberto Del Rio’s insufficient knowledge of automobiles last week, because holy sh*t, he’s in the ring with a two-time World Heavyweight Champion and the guy who injured Big Show, Kane and Sheamus in the span of about a month and he goes for “you wear too much self-tanner” and “your breath stinks”. He could’ve said “you’re gay, you’re black” and it would’ve been better, somehow.

And honestly, what is the deal with WWE and bad breath lately? First they have that backstage segment where Drew McIntyre et al. were making fun of Vince McMahon for having poopy diaper breath, then they have Alex Riley say death itself shat in Vickie Guerrero’s mouth, and now Mark Henry has breath like a funnel cake stuffed with dog doo. Does creative fist bump a plaque that says “POOP BREATH IS THE FUNNIEST THING” every time they walk into WWE HQ?

Best: Sheamus

I’ve liked Sheamus since he was beating the handshakes out of Goldust on ECW, but I seriously might love him now. He’s a hoss, by a DYNAMIC HOSS~, a guy who shows up and is so big and so weird looking and so rock solid that you can’t help but want to see him destroy. I’m also a pretty hard mark for former blood rivals who end up on the same side to face a common enemy, especially when they aren’t suddenly best friends. Seeing Sheamus run down to the ring to lend his axe to Cena against Mark Henry and Christian was wonderful, because Cena Plus Sheamus are probably the closest we’re gonna get to a Miracle Violence Connection in 2011, and because Mark Henry should fight Sheamus every day.

However, much like the CM Punk point earlier, I’ve got to type this next Worst.

Worst: Me Being A Hypocrite

If I give John Morrison sh*t for something and a guy I like a lot does the same thing, I can’t be a hypocrite, I’ve got to call him on it. Last Friday (Tuesday, whatever) Mark Henry World’s Strongestly Slammed Sheamus onto the steel steps at ringside. On Monday night, Sheamus showed up to prevent a two-on-one beatdown of John Cena by literally sprinting to the ring. You know, with broken ribs. Things got a little better when the match started happening and he was wearing some tape around the waist and selling Christian’s skinny little body attacks, but even then he didn’t seem like a guy with actual hurt ribs. It didn’t help that his signature taunt involves him punching himself in the chest repeatedly.

I get that Sheamus is tougher than the average bear and that yeah, he could theoretically be walking around with something that would make me lie down on the ground and die, but couldn’t he have at least not ran around and forearmed himself in the wound? Move gingerly, for Christ’s sakes. I can’t believe I have to tell Sheamus to move gingerly.

Worst: I Already Made That Match!

John Laurinaitis in story and in real life is the Executive Vice President for Talent Relations in WWE. He’s been with the company since 2001, but even if we don’t know how long he’s been around I refuse to believe he’s going to stand around backstage with Charles Robinson watching WWE’s only segment they EVER USE to build impromptu tag team matches and think he came up with a great idea for a tag match. And he does that thing they do where they put too many pauses between guys’ names like we can’t f**king figure out who’s gonna be in the match. The Teddy Long Announcement Special. There were four guys in the ring, if you put two guys on a team, the other guys are on the other team. It’s gonna be MARK HENRY … teaming with CHRISTIAN… Charles Robinson should’ve butted in with “against Sheamus and Cena, yeah that’s a good match”.

And then Triple H walks in and is all YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT MATCH BECAUSE I ALREADY MADE THAT MATCH. Charles Robinson should’ve said “yeah I made that match too”, and then the camera should’ve panned to the right so everybody on the roster could yell WE MADE THAT MATCH TOO in unison.

They should’ve put a scarf on Hunico and sent him out to be Alberto Del Rio for the night.

This was awesome. And yes, I’m commenting as a read. Deal.

08.30.11 at 3:40 pm

Wayne Weaver

Remember when violence against women was a big part of wrestling? That was awesome. I beat off to Kane tombstoning Lita at least 12 times a day. It’s something about the way her red hair falls when she’s upside down.

08.30.11 at 3:41 pm

Lawya

Why did you stop the pro baseball analogies before mentioning CHIKARA? Say CHIKARA is Rookie of the Year, damn it!

08.30.11 at 3:42 pm

Upstate Underdog

“VICKIE’S GONNA HAVE A STABLE, YOU GUYS, JUST LIKE BOBBY HEENAN!”

No one will ever have a stable (The Heenan Family) like Bobby “The Brain/The Weasel” Heenan. He managed both Misters Perfect and Wonderful.

@B, I’m thinking the people complaining about you talking and showing pics of your girlfriend are jealous. Pictures of cute girls are nothing to complain about. Nice work.

08.30.11 at 3:43 pm

Brandon

@Upstate Underdog – Thanks, UU. I wanted to type “here is a picture of my girlfriend with FIST” but it sounded too much like porno.

08.30.11 at 3:44 pm

Jacktion!

All MY tanktops have sleeves.

08.30.11 at 3:46 pm

John G aka Shatner

This is the first time I’ve been here and there isn’t 65 comments. You shouldn’t have banned “John Cena Gay”.

Good series, though.

08.30.11 at 3:48 pm

Upstate Underdog

@B, good call.

08.30.11 at 3:49 pm

Lorenzo de'Medici

the idea of Punk becoming Mr. Anderson makes me…. angry, or sad, or something that I would rather not feel. You know how you feel about Rob Van Dam? That’s exactly how I feel about Ken Anderson.

08.30.11 at 3:52 pm

Dan

Thanks for the last line. I love my wife, and I love CM Punk, but it’s getting old watching CM Punk run down wives because sometimes wives give you instructions. Especially when “you’ve been burying everyone you don’t like for 12 years” is still out there and pure gold.

08.30.11 at 3:53 pm

LastTexansFan

Never google “fist girl” with SafeSearch disabled. Off to bleach my eyes!

08.30.11 at 3:54 pm

LastTexansFan

Lorenzo de’Medici: It’s the feeling of losing something that could have been epic and instead was that “good two month storyline.” Also see: Nexus.

08.30.11 at 3:54 pm

coked_up_jesus

I can’t believe they paid for the Nwo music, has to be a lot more expensive than Cult of Personality with all that Hendrix in there.

Also I think I’m starting to believe that the awesomeness of Money in the Bank is wearing thin and they’re back to being clueless.

08.30.11 at 3:56 pm

Alex

I’m not going to try to be clever about this, but Kelly Kelly/Eve vs. the Bella Twins is the new Kingston vs. Ziggler.

08.30.11 at 4:01 pm

Skooch

That’s What I Am was shockingly decent, and Randy Orton plays the morally wrong person in it for about five minutes.

08.30.11 at 4:02 pm

John G aka Shatner

“I’m not going to try to be clever about this, but Kelly Kelly/Eve vs. the Bella Twins is the new Kingston vs. Ziggler.”

this. I thought that was all they had as far as Divas go.

08.30.11 at 4:03 pm

Heath Slater Rocks

Don’t turn your back on the Wölfpäc.

08.30.11 at 4:06 pm

Tom from West Chester

Otunga confronting Lawler was the best part of the night. For almost a year I thought that Otunga was going somewhere, whether as Starscream to Barrett’s MEgatron, maybe taking over the New Nexus after Punk’s unacknowledged abandoment of of the team, and now his confrontation with Lawler. I really want Otunga to do something to make me like him, so that the Nexus angle wasn’t an entire waste. But no, it’s going to end with Lawler and JR beating Otunga and Mr. Perfect Jr, and then Otunga being forced to wear a dress and getting hit in the face with a cream pie, just because.

Also, Cena accusing Christian of douching with spray tan was funny, even if the rest wasn’t.

08.30.11 at 4:06 pm

Antonia Tone

What if Michael Cole were white?

08.30.11 at 4:06 pm

Hfff

I was trying to figure out why I was starting to hate Punk, but that’s it, isn’t it? He’s becoming Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson is like AIDS, cancer, and the bubonic plague balled up into one big ol’ piece shit. And that should never happen to someone as good as Punk.

08.30.11 at 4:08 pm

Dr. Stephen Poop

I think B. Brian Blair is too busy failing at suing Carrabba’s and losing elections to re-evaluate his life. That and worrying about being put in the Camel Clutch and having his ass penetrated.

08.30.11 at 4:10 pm

Jacktion!

Since we’re getting a Smackdown recap tomorrow, am I the only one that thinks that Orton/Henry at Night of Champions is a terrible idea? You’re taking the guy you gave all the momentum in the world to, and putting him into a match he’s never going to win. I don’t want to see Orton beat Mark Henry. I want to see Orton get flattened.

I am going to be so unhappy when Mark Henry goes for that springboard clothesline…

08.30.11 at 4:10 pm

Patrick

Punk/Miz seemed really bad because no one knew who to cheer for. They hate The Miz, of course, but Punk isn’t really a hero either. Punk’s an “evil” babyface feuding with an actual established babyface and his friend whom everyone’s excited to see for nostalgia purposes only.

I’m really worried about where Punk is going. If he’s the next big star, why is he agreeing with R-Truth about a conspiracy? Why is Triple H looking like such a good guy? why is any of this happening

Which is horrible, because of course he’s a moron in an Ed Hardy shirt who’s wrong about almost everything.

08.30.11 at 4:13 pm

Khris

C.M. Punk turning into Mr. Anderson literally sent my heart into my gut. So sad, so true. I couldn’t put my finger on why “PIPE BOMB!” and “HURRG” and “YOUR WHORE WIFE HAVE I MENTIONED YOUR WIFE SUCKS” were just annoying me last night. This is why. Ugh.

I recently went on vacation, so I didn’t follow any of this. Now I return and Brandon’s confused and crying and everyone’s in some sort of morally ambiguous clusterfuck or SOMETHING and it’s all looking very sketchy and Evan and Kofi are just smiiiiiiiiling and WTF.

08.30.11 at 4:15 pm

Omar

I really enjoy these RAW columns, and i wish my English was better to come up with clever replies like these other fine gentleman.

I do wish that for us folk outasside the US, the youtube videos were playable…

Keep up the good work!~ and John Cena straight

08.30.11 at 4:16 pm

Keyser Sosa

CM Punk is kinda turning into the “I’m too hilarious for my own good” jokester face HHH that we all loathe. That makes me want to destroy all my senses in the most painful way possible.

Also, @Brandon. If you ever have the time or inclination, A WWE version of the dugout would be amazing.

08.30.11 at 4:16 pm

Take Me Home, Dusty Rhodes

JR looked SO UPSET about the soda on his suit. He took himself completely out of the confrontation to focus on scrubbing his jacket with a napkin that I’m sure some random fan just threw at him.

08.30.11 at 4:18 pm

paris.ridgway

get well soon maryse

08.30.11 at 4:20 pm

Tom from West Chester

@Patrick- let’s be fair, no one is excited to see Kevin Nash for any reason.

That said I used to love Nash. As a kid I was really excited to see Diesel on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. That’s where I first learned his name was Kevin Nash and not Diesel. It was mindblowing. Now I am just find it awakward to look at his beard and clothing choices.* It’s like he’s hoping Jeff Bridges will play him in the movie version of his life, but they’d have to film it Lord of the Rings style to make Jeff look taller.

*Not that I am one to talk. My facial hair is laughable at best; and I suppose I wear the normal person sized version of Nash’s current wardrobe. But, I’m not on tv.

08.30.11 at 4:20 pm

M4G3RK

Sheamus always moves gingerly. Folks!

I cannot believe how long Punk did that vomit thing. At one point I started to think it’s a queue for the next guy to come to the ring. But, they were late so…HE KEPT DOING IT.

Wow. I just realized that WWE Champion: ADR wasn’t on the show. That can’t be a good sign. And I like him.

That Alex Riley promo made me wish for another installment of Silent Rage’s White Trash Cribs.

What’s the over/under on Air Boom’s new theme to be “Boom” by POD?

08.30.11 at 4:22 pm

Derek

First and foremost, Michael Rappoport is a God among men…if for no other reason than his numerous Rock and Jock appearances.

Second, I’m glad someone else feels like Punk has been mailing it in the last few weeks. Beyond the extended barf sequence, which was brutally awkward to watch, he hasn’t said too much of note in about a month. We get it, HHH is a hen-pecked husband (or whatever), but as I think this (very) column has already said, who isn’t? Once you’re past 30, is that even an insult any more?

Third, what the hell was the purpose of that A-Ry thing? And why is it “Ry” and not “Ri?” That bugs the crap out me.

Finally, this always bugs me. If Nash just signed his official contract last night, how was he not treated like a regular trespassing fan at SummerSlam? I have a friend who’s trying to break into the business. I think the best way may be to go to the next PPV and power slam CM Punk.

P.S. I think combining rosters is a great idea. Here’s to hoping it works out better than Brandon seems to think.

08.30.11 at 4:22 pm

uconngary7

I always think of something funny (to me) to comment, then I read all the comments and forget what I was going to say.

Can I also add a worst for the continued off-camera burial of Zack Ryder. Say what you want about him, but he’s at least trying. Hell, he spent $1500 of his own money to make an internet championship belt!

I think it’s going to come out that Punk/HHH are in cahoots (about what, I don’t know) but Punk is basically being HHH at this point with his smirking about everything said, and being annoying. It’s amazing how quickly Punk went from ZOMG BEST TALKER EVAR to, Mr. Anderson (as you so beautifully put it).

08.30.11 at 4:25 pm

Khris

loool @ the “i dont have a wife” call back.

Also thought of the absolute 2nd gayest name for Kofi and Evan thanks to your last suggestion: Shooting Star Paradise. The gayest of course is still Air Boom.

08.30.11 at 4:28 pm

uconngary7

Why was HHH so surprised that Kevin Nash had been signed to a WWE contract? He had theme music and a Titan-tron video produced. I doubt Big Sexy was at home using Final Cut Pro and handing the guys in the truck a VHS and telling them to play it at the right time.

08.30.11 at 4:29 pm

the bosstronaut

Whole lotta worsts this week, bleh.

08.30.11 at 4:30 pm

Take Me Home, Dusty Rhodes

Three Things:

1) Does this mean that Raw superstars are going to cross over to Smackdown as well? This would be a devastating blow to me since I have gone from a chubby wrestling fan with no life to a chubby wrestling who pretends to have a life, so my Fridays could be compromised.

2) Now that Nash-Punk is off for NOC can we possibly see it tonight? I mean, I understand that a talent like the Great Khali almost REQUIRES air time, but, you know, this could be good too.

3) McGillicutty is really Mr. Perfect’s son? …He must take after his mother.

08.30.11 at 4:31 pm

Probably Misses His Old Glasses

Ziggler Orton was quality pro wrestling.

I have nothing more to add about Raw, so can we talk for a second about your novel’s Amazon page?

Who is Michael Stroud and why does it say that’s who wrote this book?

In the about the author portion is says you will live in Virginia forever, but now you live in Austin, what gives?

Also, I like how it also redirects you towards Scientific Progress Goes “Boink”. Subtle.

Oh and thanks for linking to that, I will liking be purchasing your novel when I get Magary’s.

08.30.11 at 4:31 pm

Matt

Making my word contribution. Great article. Looking forward to the SmackDown recap.

08.30.11 at 4:36 pm

Ashy Larry Johnson

“It’s that nWo music, isn’t it.”

Somewhere, Buff Bagwell quietly weeps for no reason. Scott Norton has a minor case of dyspepsia. And Konnan still utterly sucks in the ring.

08.30.11 at 4:37 pm

Teeblerone

Was I the only one who was pissed off about Cena’s shit eating grin and wink to the camera when he told ADR to come out and fight him?

Also, I was away for the Sin Cara match, so who decided on the “mood lighting” stipulation?

08.30.11 at 4:43 pm

khal

Ziggles is definitely great. Loving your Best/Worst of RAW recaps.

08.30.11 at 4:43 pm

Thatsamare

“I can’t believe I have to tell Sheamus to move gingerly.”

Line of the week right there, folks!

Huge best to Nikki Bella for putting an extra couple of booty pops when the Bella twins were introduced.

A subtle best for Kevin Nash doing the clicking motions after powerbombing Punk. Kind of funny.

” I told you Kevin Nash’s TNA theme made me think of Christmas.”

Ha ha ha! It totally does.

Last night when Punk did the whole faux puking thing, I immediately thought “Oh no, Punk went full Cena and is trying to do a family guy skit.” This is not looking promising. At least he still has skills to not become the next Anderson.

I’d like to add a huge worst to the ring announcer with his “JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHNN” Cena introduction. My god, it sounded like someone shoved a pineapple up his ass.

Theory on why they made a HHH/Punk Audible: Nash hurt something.

08.30.11 at 4:50 pm

LastTexansFan

Teeblerone: NO YOU WERE NOT.

08.30.11 at 4:52 pm

Draft Party Host

Consider that the nWo music may be a good sign. Since WWE bought WCW I assume they already had the license on the music and they would rather just reissue that instead of putting effort into making new music for him because he won’t be around for long. Please God, not too long.

Air Boom – “It’s like a child who has farted on a plane and can’t express itself.” Can we please get this on a t-shirt?

08.30.11 at 4:54 pm

Tom from West Chester

@Teeblerone: “Was I the only one who was pissed off about Cena’s shit eating grin and wink to the camera when he told ADR to come out and fight him?”

And next week Cena will kick his Hogan tribute career up another notch when he talks openly about ADR’s absence from Raw being because of visa issues. I figure that will get the required USA chant, right?

08.30.11 at 4:56 pm

Archi

Funkhauser: “I’m going to make that match”
Triple H: “I ALREADY MADE THAT MATCH”

WHEN? How did you have time? What goes into making matches? Does Triple H have to just think the idea in his head or is there someone else he has to clear it with? That segment confused me so much. Is this a foreshadow of a Lauranitis / Triple H dissension in the coming weeks? All because they had the same idea within 30 seconds of each other? Why be mad about that? Triple H should have said something like “great minds think alike!” and patted on John Boy on the back. Why does Charles Robinson hang out with them? *JOHN CENAS MUSIC STARTS PLAYING* Seriously though why-YOUR TIME IS UP MY TIME IS NOW-does such a short cutaway-YOU CANT SEE ME MY TIME IS NOW-leave me with so many-KNOCK YOUR SHELL OFF-questions?

08.30.11 at 4:59 pm

C. J. Bradford

So you know how I’ve been saying for the past month+ that we need to give HHH a chance, and then Kevin Nash a chance, and that everything will work out, and last week it seemed that things were going in the right direction, and I commented and basically said ‘I told you so’ about relaxing and having patience? Yeah well….Fucking Christ. I enjoyed Raw as a whole, I really did. I’m excited that there are gonna be more good people in the roster, and we can get rid of the fillers. I’m gonna enjoy Miz/R Truth Conspiracy fight for the tag team. I still think that things will work out for the best. But…Jesus Fucking Christ. I was wrong about HHH. That’s pretty much it. There was no reason for it. That was not the way to do it. I don’t want to see it. Yeah, the show was already 10 mins into the overrun, so they had to rush it. But figure out another why if they HAVE to do it. Good show, horrible ending, and I’m questioning if this summer was a complete fluke.

/John Cena loses at the dozens every time

08.30.11 at 5:02 pm

Joe

I didn’t get the see this week’s Raw due to this asshole hurricane knocking out my power for three days but as I was reading the show results last night, all I could think was “Wow, Brandon is going to hate ALL of this.”

08.30.11 at 5:05 pm

Ragingape

Great stuff again. That Orton vs. Ziggler match was boss. I agree about Punk too, especially the part about a big part of it probably not being his decision. The only thing he did last night that I liked was no selling HHH’s announcement. I don’t know why that amused me as much as it did.

Those cookies were really good weren’t they?

08.30.11 at 5:06 pm

Panther Joe

I seriously think the brand nixing is just a temporary fix to hold over the roster while some guys come back from the mend–Show, Kane, Mysterio. It also has $$$ signs written all over it if it is somewhat permanent. Those kids that love Cena to tears aren’t tuning into Smackdown on SyFy and buying up Uso brand Tiki Torches at WWE.com

08.30.11 at 5:07 pm

M4G3RK

@Thatsamare I also hate that ring announcer.

08.30.11 at 5:17 pm

Joe

As far as what I thought of the show, is it bad that I kind of want to see Triple H kick the shit out of CM Punk? I love Punk as much as the next day but the last few weeks, he’s just come off as a jerk. And not the Alberto Del Rio kind of jerk where he’s an asshole but it also hilarious and entertaining. But the kind of jerk where you just want to say “Ugh, shut up, jerk.”

I never thought I would see the day where I actually feel bad for Triple H but it seems like he’s the guy who is just trying to do his job and Punk keeps popping up and saying “HEY YOUR WIFE IS WHORE!” There’s nothing really likable about that. He’s just being mean.

Also, Nash really needs to change his look. Ditch the hair dye and grow a real beard. He looks so weird right now that I barely even recognize him as Kevin Nash. Hell, he might as be Hunico for all I could tell.

08.30.11 at 5:18 pm

Joe

next guy* , not “next day”

08.30.11 at 5:18 pm

Archi

Also: how has nobody called Charles Robinson “Lil’ Naitch” in forever?

08.30.11 at 5:28 pm

Joe

Another Great Article.
Hoping for one on Wednesday to report the Live Tuesday Smackdown!

A Bay Area Reader.

08.30.11 at 5:29 pm

Joseph A.

Is there any other ending to Punk/HHH other than Hunter pedigrees Punk after Nash goes “Hey! Words from my mouth!” and then HHH acts incredulous when he sees the replay?

08.30.11 at 5:29 pm

Chris

I’d leave a comment, but you didn’t even answer my email with a “No.” Also, HHH v. CM Punk, blah.

08.30.11 at 5:37 pm

Matt

If Ring of Honor is lacrosse, what is Chikara? Team handball?

08.30.11 at 5:44 pm

Robert Conspiracy

I’m looking forward to the Seven Hill City film starring John Morrison.

08.30.11 at 5:44 pm

Jacktion!

So if Johnny Ace was going to make that match, does that make HIM the Anonymous Raw General Manager?

That explains why we haven’t heard from him in weeks. Every time he’s about to flash the lights off and play his IM notification noise, HHH runs up and yells “I ALREADY MADE THAT MATCH!”

08.30.11 at 5:54 pm

Garipeto

-This x 1,000: @Derek First and foremost, Michael Rappoport is a God among men…if for no other reason than his numerous Rock and Jock appearances.

-The whole part with Punk puking and scolding HHH/Nash for ‘acting’ prompted a lot of comments from me and my brother about the South Park wrasslin’ episode, and how Family Guy is shitty when Family Guy does it, and a million times worse when a wrestler does it.

-I’ve never taken note of how Kelly Kelly goes off the ropes with the same aggressiveness as a 90 year old man getting into the tub until reading this column every week. I can no longer climax during her matches b/c I’m critiquing her performace… damn you.

08.30.11 at 6:17 pm

Eli

is it me or does anyone feel like a huge DX/nWo/Corporation stable is going to show up in the next year?

Also, my wife and I have done away with cable so this is about the only way I even bother to keep up with WWE anymore?

08.30.11 at 6:18 pm

jim

Not sure if anyone mentioned this yet or not.. But Nash just this past week was in Pittsburgh for a physical.. and something came up in that physical that changed the WWE’s mind about having him actually wrestle.. Looks like he will be around to cause headaches and interfere but not wrestle a match

08.30.11 at 6:24 pm

wagnike2

The Air Boom name is completely terrible. And I agree that not having the Nash match is a cop out, but I sadly try to remain optimistic about where it’s going.

08.30.11 at 6:26 pm

DustysMuffler

Regarding Hunico nailing the trampoline entrance smoothly…. He did have to grab the top rope on Smackdown last week to make it over. This was in addition to having to redo his match with Heath Slater because they botched it up too badly, according to live reports.

Anyhow, I haven’t watched this week’s Raw yet but it sounds like the show was a total clusterf*ck with a few solid matches. Also Air Boom is terrible.

08.30.11 at 6:34 pm

Keyser Sosa

Am I the only one who thinks that this returned JR sounds like a video game announcer? I feel like at any moment he might yell “HE CAN’T BUY A BUCKET!”

Its not that JR sucks, he just can’t get a word in and he’s trying so desperately hard to make the announce team good again. Get rid of Cole, I’m tired of him orgasming for the MIZ and ruining every good match.

08.30.11 at 6:42 pm

Gavin

I laughed hysterically at “I didn’t see ‘That’s Who I Am,’ did Randy Orton go to the papers with a handgun?” Well played, sir. The only thing I disagree with is that Alberto Del Rio not being on Raw is the biggest Best of the past month and a half.

08.30.11 at 6:48 pm

Public Frenemy

Cole may still be tongue-bathing Miz and calling D-Bry a NEEEEEEERD, but to his credit he’s actually toned down his screeching animus enough that he’s actually calling matches nowadays. For like 8 FUCKING months every match was Cole going, “HE DESERVED THAT! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT (insert babyface’s name) ISN’T A TOTAL PIECE OF SHI” and the face announcers bending over backwards to root for the face, just to spite Cole.

I like to think that the WWE finally realized that having announcers feud amongst themselves while blatantly ignoring the matches was doing a disservice to the product.

08.30.11 at 6:50 pm

YeshMan

I actually made an effort to try and watch Raw last night and still managed to forget, but I did catch the end and holy shit CM Punk and Triple H’s conversation was DROWNED THE FUCK OUT by that awful Cena music. Great job audio team.

08.30.11 at 6:57 pm

Sam Losco

I love how Kofi has been in the WWE for 5 years and still all they have to characterize him is “smiling” and “…have you seen the thing he does with his hands where he yells ‘boom’?”

08.30.11 at 6:59 pm

Sam Losco

Also, I love how the WWE keeps the Divas around and on TV, but the commentators all seem to not give a shit/not know how things are going to end. If you want people to give a shit about the Divas, maybe act like you give a shit yourself.

08.30.11 at 7:13 pm

MACHOMAN011

I definitely missed Del Rio this week. Great article, Best and Worst is the reason I started watching Raw again. (Don’t know if that’s good or bad) Thanks for the laugh!

08.30.11 at 7:29 pm

Ewzzy

Holy crap, HHH just swapped in for Nash? I wasn’t paying nearly enough attention. I just figured it would be another “your wife is a ho-bag” talk and zoned out. That is the worst.

Jeez. Apart from Adolf Ziggler bouncing around the ring, last nights RAW was terrible. And now, as I write, John Cena just opened Super Smackdown with an XFL air-joke. My interest in the WWE is waning but I’ll still read this column every week. Keep up the good work.

08.30.11 at 8:26 pm

ralph wiggum

me fail english? that unpossible!

08.30.11 at 8:27 pm

brotz13

@stone cold jane austen: I lasted about six words into that Cena promo before taking a piss break. Another Smackdown thought – there’s nothing like Michael Cole railing at Daniel Bryan for being a NERDY NERD NERDERSON and doing up-tempo on-air promos for ghost hunters.

08.30.11 at 8:29 pm

stone cold jane austen

The Evan/Kofi tag team should be called ‘LENNY AND KARL’

08.30.11 at 9:01 pm

Big Van GAYder

I hate everything about where this is going. I was watching the night Hall showed up on Nitro too, and I know how bad things can be with these guys, even if HHH was never there. I read a recap of the gathering of the Juggalos wrestling events that said how Nash, Foley, and others spent the entire event putting over how good X-pac looked, and how he has another run in him, etc. NO. I have a bad feeling that this IS going the D-corperation-X-World Order direction, and that’s not good. I wouldn’t put it past H’s to bring 123-6-X-pac-kid back, or anyone else. Might be time for Punk to start acting like he’s the Crow and hanging out in the rafters.

08.30.11 at 9:09 pm

JPfromTheB

How about “The Even And Kofi Show”? I believe there’s a theme not currently in use:

Also loved Sheamus’ launch off the apron into Henry. It should take something like that to knock Henry down hard, and should only be done by guys like Sheamus.

Everybody’s promo’s are the exact same lately. Its boring. All kinds of schoolyard insults and bully posturing. So, so boring. I feel like everybody got the wrong idea from Punk’s original Promo of Death. They all seemed to adopt the “personal insult” part of it (which was a rather small part) and completely ignored the “pulling back the curtain/hard truths” part that made it historic. Punk included.

Speaking of Punk, there’s nothing worse than a radical who can’t wait to tell you how much of a radical he is. You want to blow up the industry, don’t keep saying “pipe bomb” to try a make it a catchphrase (and also using that phrase as a mask for the fact that you actually aren’t saying anything good anymore). You want to showcase wrestling, real deal wrestling? Don’t call for you finisher like its the 5-knuckle shuffle.

I’d be fine with never seeing HHH or Nash again. I’ve still yet to hear a good explanation for why HHH has been any good at any point in his career. Dude’s bored me to death for 15 years.

08.30.11 at 9:40 pm

Steely Danno

The Bella Twin Magic = Great Tiger’s Magic Punch.

08.30.11 at 9:41 pm

Mike

For tommorrow-
Worst- The 10 minutes of his life that Sheamus wastes taping his ribs
Best- WWE builds Randy Orton as a schizophrenic with uncontrollable anger issues, so lets advertise him playing harmlessly with a small child every week to plug his dvd

08.30.11 at 9:44 pm

Mike

This is seriously the best recap of professional wrestling anywhere on the internet. Keep up the great work.

08.30.11 at 10:09 pm

Tony

You write the most entertaining wrestling stuff on the web, I leave a comment. Sounds fair.

Now where’s the new JIM THOME dugout?

08.30.11 at 10:17 pm

Moses

alex riley gay

08.30.11 at 10:29 pm

KYIrish

“Although to his credit, one of Jack Swagger’s biggest weaknesses has always been “getting jumped on by a really light guy”.”

And that’s why he NEVER gives piggy-back rides.

08.30.11 at 10:31 pm

KYIrish

It also seems Matt Hardy is either going suicidal or trying to play all of his fans on YouTube/Twitter.

08.30.11 at 10:35 pm

Joseph A

Bryan just jobbed to a wrestler the WWE is considering getting rid of in 2 weeks. My brain hurts.

It is that goddamn NWO music. It was the harbinger of the death of pro-wrestling and it will do it again if people keep cheering for that fucking asshole sonovabitch Kevin Nash.

I hate that sonovabitch so much. I haven’t forgotten War GAmes and the Mr. Perfect double cross out of nowhere after Arn gave him his spot on the Horsemen.

I swear that bastard has already taken all the steam out of this great fun America was having with Punk and WWE.

08.30.11 at 10:46 pm

JoelY

I look forward to this column every week, I hope to one day contribute more to the discussion than that.

08.30.11 at 11:10 pm

Slideshow Bob

great as always

08.31.11 at 12:00 am

Cunning Linguist

It’s sad when a woman who never watched wrestling before she met me saw the end of Raw last night and said, “Too soon.”

/forgot women are banned now, I guess

Never mind.

08.31.11 at 12:38 am

kyle

ive read this every week sing TH of TWB linked it first… first time commenting, lets get this bad boy up to 200 comments ! :)

08.31.11 at 12:56 am

Brent

Announcing was awful again tonight on SD. Just when I thought they might be starting to leave Daniel Bryan alone… guess again!

08.31.11 at 1:01 am

FSJ

I like the inclusion of the videos (namely the Ziggler-Orton one). I also like that part of the art of wrestling is creatively manufacturing ways to get your ass kicked without looking like you’re manufacturing ways to have your ass kicked.

08.31.11 at 1:04 am

Zach

You like Vegan cookies. Fuckin Gross.

08.31.11 at 8:43 am

Brandon

@Zach – Yeah, not putting butter into something makes it gross.

08.31.11 at 1:55 am

KYIrish

I don’t know the Divas that well, but at the 0:50 mark, the corseted one says “they’re the ones making her so popular Beth”. Isn’t that Natalya then?

08.31.11 at 2:07 am

Mob

Thanks buttstick now I have to bring up the Miracle Violence Connection in random conversations every day.

08.31.11 at 2:57 am

MassConspiracy

“In this analogy, Smackdown is AAA, Superstars is A-ball, NXT is the rookie league and Impact Wrestling is that weird California league where guys like Rickey Henderson go to play when they’re 60. (Ring of Honor is lacrosse.”

Great stuff, as usual. Looking forward to the Smackdown Rundown.

08.31.11 at 3:57 am

MassConspiracy

“Triple H and Punk should happen, and yeah, it’s not “hot-shotted” or whatever you want to call it, but damn”

Why is ‘hot-shotted’ being criticized as a phrase but we are expected to embrace a Monitor/Anti-Monitor reference only fans of 1980s DC Comics would get?

Not that he is the GAWD OV RASSLIN NOOZ (alternatively ‘whatever you want to call it’), but Meltzer of all people uses that phrase in podcasts when merited, ahough that is usually when discussing TNA booking. I am not saying BE MORE LIKE MELTZER, GODDAMMIT! but why crap on a common IWC term? Using that term is not like saying 3.14159265/5 GOLD STARS after an exciting but sloppy match with a memorable finish, which I understand is annoying.

08.31.11 at 7:42 am

Duto

“And then Triple H walks in and is all YOU CAN’T MAKE THAT MATCH BECAUSE I ALREADY MADE THAT MATCH. Charles Robinson should’ve said “yeah I made that match too”, and then the camera should’ve panned to the right so everybody on the roster could yell WE MADE THAT MATCH TOO in unison.” happened on page 4 and i was still laughing on page 7. Holy shit that was funny. Great post, yo!

08.31.11 at 8:18 am

Marky

Vegan cookies? ffs

08.31.11 at 8:40 am

Philo Beddoe

Punk/HHH is going to end one of two ways.
1. Harbinger of doom way: Punk gets buried, pedigreed, and is losing to Sin Cara on Raw the next night.
2.(Sadly, this is the one that leave me “hopeful” the angle is going somewhere not completely terrible). Nash eventually runs down to the ring, and when he attempts to big boot Punk, he of course misses and inadvertantly nails HHH. Punk then hits the GTS,gets the three and bails out of the ring. Hopefully, Nash didn’t tear multiple muscles executing the big boot, and if that is the case, he and HHH will have a stare down, and then we’ll go to Raw the next night and…crap, there’s nothing good coming from this angle.

08.31.11 at 8:44 am

Knight Owl

The TNA hate was full on this week, I enjoyed it but makes me want to see a Best/Worst (or maybe just worst) of iMPACT.

08.31.11 at 9:14 am

Derek

@Knight Owl – I could kind of go for that.

Although I think I’m one of the few left who can still enjoy TNA. I actually think the Bound For Glory series was a great concept: actually keeping track of wrestlers’ win-loss records like they mean something. Think about it, an otherwise ho-hum A-Ry vs. Ziggler match actually becomes important if the win can actually mean something. Granted, of course, I don’t really need to see the Pope hanging out with Devon’s kids in the middle of it.

08.31.11 at 9:14 am

Matt

I want to believe WWE is improving, and re-merging the two “brands” is a step in the right direction… but Beth and Natalya still stand in the back doing skits while Bellas “wrestle”, Daniel Bryan is only allowed to win one in five matches at best, and Mexicans are fully interchangeable if you put a mask on them. There’s still so much not to like.

THASS MAH BOY D-BRYAN!!!

08.31.11 at 9:17 am

The Mutt

The most suspenseful moment of the night was watching Kevin Nash attempt to climb three steps.

08.31.11 at 9:18 am

Dusty's Muffler

@MassConspiracy – You could also go with “shotgunned” instead of “hot-shotted”. That’s the term Axl Rotten used to describe what the WWE did to the CM Punk worked shoot/contract angle.

I watched about 3/4 of Raw last night on DVR and my earlier comment was pretty accurate. Holy crap was that a terrible show. The in-ring talking segments were just brutal for the most part. Cena in particular was worse than usual. There were some really solid matches, though. Ziggler sold the hell out of Orton’s offense and put on a great match.

08.31.11 at 9:57 am

FramersMain

A lot of last night was a mess.

Best: Randy Orton’s do-it-yourself Spike DDT. I thought he was leeching some of Ziggler’s intensity when he did that set up, and I thought it was great. Ziggler doesn’t do it for me, but I do enjoy the way he sells the living shit out what he’s done.

Second best: Punk staring up at Nash and going “click, click, click”.

Worst: Having to agree with the CM Punk/Mr. Anderson thing. I’m an arrogant, straight-edge douchebag that loves having the Right guy be the Bad Guy, and I had to -_-;; at Punk tonight.

Miz is my second favorite wrestler, and I found myself not paying much attention to the match (I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere). That’s not good.

This show feels like it was in a damn holding pattern this week. I liked the Punk “click” stuff, even if he should have followd it up with jabs at H3 and Nash _still_ hogging the facetime, but there wasn’t much else.

08.31.11 at 10:10 am

Ryan

I think Christian should join up with R-Truth and Miz. Because there is a conspiracy against him. I get that he’s a bad guy, but they are making him look like a shit sandwich lately. He has to spit on Orton to win the title then loses the title at SummerSlam. They make the setup for the Killswitch a half hour.

08.31.11 at 1:09 pm

JBShakes

I think I follow your baseball analogy (took me a minute and a trail of breadcrumbs…), BUT – as long as they’re making sure that they “call up” the right guys on a fairly regular basis, the extra exposure can be good for the guys still developing. If Wade Barrett…

/watches Barrett get squashed by Cena on “Super-Smackdown”
//shows self out

08.31.11 at 1:11 pm

JBShakes

PS – the only way the nWo music isn’t a total harbinger of doom? R-Truth turns out to be the leader, and it’s the “true World order”.

tWo gonna make sure all you Jimmies get GOT!

08.31.11 at 1:26 pm

k

very good again this week

08.31.11 at 1:32 pm

C. J. Bradford

@JBShakes tWo??!?! YES MOAR PLEZZZZ!

08.31.11 at 2:21 pm

El Superbeasto

I didn’t even know Dolph Ziggler wrestled, and he was fantastic. How is this guy not a bigger deal?

08.31.11 at 2:32 pm

Philip

Enjoyed the hierarchy of wrestling organizations a bunch

08.31.11 at 3:33 pm

Homo Erectus

Hate to say it but Christian’s post-Edge run feels like Chavo’s post-Eddie run. The audience lost someone, they decided to capitalize on this by bumping up the sidekick, who has talent but who can’t sustain interest. Pretty soon you get tired of seeing them and then they start jobbing and then they’re on superstars, and finally they’re retired/in TNA.

I like Christian, but there’s nothing about his current run that I enjoy.

08.31.11 at 3:58 pm

MachoMadness

I look forward to these “Best and Worst of ” every week. Keep them coming!

08.31.11 at 6:39 pm

ElChilo

And look, as much as we like to rag on Sin Cara for messing up a lot and everything that gets reported from backstage, there is one thing Hunico can never do as Sin Cara: Be Mistico. …Actually, yes he can be Mistico, way back in the day Hunico (Spelling fail, should be Unico) was known as Mistico while he was wrestling ins Ciudad Juarea; when Mistico from CMLL appeared, CMLL copyrighted the name and Hunico had to change to Mystico de Juarez (ohhh how original) anyway due to lack of promotion in Juarez he moved on to try out for WWE, where he became Hunico, and now he is filling up Mistico as Sin Cara.

If WEE runned a back up check, this could be a hell of a story, but both Mistico against Mystico to fight for the Sin Cara Mantle and the winner faces off to ALberto Del Rio, with Alberto loosing, and turning to Dos Caras Jr AND ALberto del Rio to beat the hell out of both Sin Cara and Hunico or Sin Cara and Mistico.

09.01.11 at 2:38 pm

Trehern

There was a sweet article that that smug bouncer Panther Joe wrote at Camel Clutch about the existence of new themed wrestlers. Basically, could we have another Rey Mysterio? Because if you keep the mask, technically ANYONE can be Rey Mysterio…or Sin Cara…or Optimus Prime (WWE Contract pending.)

09.02.11 at 11:09 am

Dusty's Muffler

@El Superbeasto – he’s not wonderful on the mic, and they saddle him with a lot of dumb crap involving Vicki Guerrero. The guy is great in the ring, though.