Pants Will Be the Death of Me

Just look at all of the creatures that are in the world. Crows are born knowing how to build tools. I would have trouble doing that and I would be using an opposable thumb, not a beak. Pigs have been trained to use a computer mouse with their snout. Dolphins are creative enough to pick up a sea sponge when diving to the bottom of the ocean so that their snout will be protected.

Meanwhile, humans are useless. We have invented ways to make sure we never have to exert any physical effort. At the same time, we are trying to find new foods to fry because apparently getting heart disease tastes delicious. We invented airplanes, then we decided to try to jump out of them, not because they are crashing, but because we enjoy plummeting to our death only to be saved by a piece of cloth we’re pretty sure is in our little backpack. We shoot each other. We invented a sport where people LITERALLY drive in circles for hours at a time. We pay someone for WATER.

We’re all idiots.

If that isn’t proof enough, consider the act of clothing one’s self. It used that clothing was strictly for protection against the elements. Walking nude through a snowstorm would be rough, so coats were invented. We were very practical.

Then, somewhere along the way, we decided we wanted to look fancy. Kings wore impractical metal hats, women wore corset that sometimes actually broke ribs so that they would look thin, our founding fathers all wore powdered wigs that were designed to make them look old. Now, there are people who will pay hundreds of dollars for a shirt. Not a lifetime supply of shirts. Not even a set of shirts. One shirt. We have gotten less and less practical throughout time.

While this all seems fairly stupid, the stupidest thing is when we can’t work these creations we have designed.

In my lifetime, I have put on pants roughly 10,000 times. This should be something that is very normal. I should be a pants pro, the best that a person can be at putting on pants. I mean, there have been times in my life that I have put on pants, then changed my mind and put on an entirely different pair of pants just because I can. I should be, more or less, the Babe Ruth of dressing my lower half at this juncture in my life.

Today, after a long day at work, all I wanted to do was change pants. I had been wearing work pants all day. These pants are far and away the least comfortable pair of pants unless we are still throwing metal armor into the discussion. In that case, they are second. I walked in the door and immediately went to go put on a pair of shorts or, as I like to call them, comfortable pants.

After depantsing, I grabbed the shorts that I had chosen as my evening pants. For those who have never worn pants, the design is fairly complex. Each pair comes with two different cloth sheathes for a person’s leg. I assume that each one of these is a pant, thus the name pants. A person would place one leg in, then put the other leg in the other side, pull them up, work various fastening devices so that these pants will not fall off of you at inopportune times throughout the day, then be on their way able to rest easy in the knowledge that no one would see their privates.

I began the routine. I grabbed these shorts, lifted my leg, and placed it inside. That’s when it all went wrong. While most of my right foot went to the right leg, my big toe had another plan. It had gone rogue and went for the left leg. Maybe it was interested in exploring an area of the pants it had never been in. Having never been a toe, I have no idea what it was thinking.

There I was, alone in my bedroom, my foot tangled in my shorts. I hopped around on my left foot, nearly falling over onto my dresser. I was dumbfounded. Every day, I walk from place to place without falling over. This means that I am able to hoist all of my weight onto two small body parts and move about. It seems like this would be a situation where people would frequently fall over. You should see people just walking down the street, then face-planting onto the ground like a person does while rollerblading or ice skating. The act of walking makes no sense, yet I am able to do it safely 100% of the time.

Meanwhile, the act of placing one leg through a pair of pants had me baffled and was very much threatening my well-being. Eventually, I was able to guide my foot into the right hole. I didn’t even fall down, I am proud to say. That is just about the only thing I am proud of in this whole story. I will say I learned one thing throughout this ordeal.

The most practical piece of men’s clothing is a kilt. There’s no way I would fall over putting that thing on.

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loved this humorous post. I got a kick out of your examples. I was thinking back to my Grandma who has now been deceased almost six years. She told me she detested pants when ladies were finally allowed to wear them. She said she didn’t want her personal areas to be standing in form. lol. It wasn’t long that she was wearing pants like the rest of us. I do agree with the kilt. In the heat of the summer I am more suited for a skirt or dress for natural air conditioning. haha

Oh too funny, Nathan. My work pants are very uncomfortable, too. I had an option of “ladies pants” or “men’s pants”. Now, in the past I have always opted for men’s pants as they are far more comfortable than the ladies ones. The ladies ones are generally high waisted, pouffy under the waist thanks to the rediculous tucks and darts, and then are far too tight around the lower leg. The mens pants, however, are usually far more comfortable as they don’t flounce and tuck in the wrong places.Well, the mens pants I got given to work in are just horrendous. I actually ended up visiting an op shop (thrift store) and buying some grey mens slackes there that are far superior. And I have managed to put them on successfully thus far. Well, almost. I have a habit of putting on my socks, then my shoes, then wondering how on earth the pants will fit over my big, chunky hiking shoes and socks, removing them, putting the pants on and then reshoing. D’uh!