If Frank Underwood Was President of Gonzaga (A Script)

Netflix’s original series “House of Cards” has already distracted thousands of students from midterms by revealing 13 brand new episodes last week. For those unfamiliar, “House of Cards” follows politician Kevin Spacey Frank Underwood as he viciously tries to climb his way up the political ladder through unsavory means. Here’s a sample script of how an episode would go if Kevin Spacey Frank Underwood was the President of Gonzaga University.

OPENING CREDITS: The camera pans over Gonzaga’s campus with an aerial shot. A remixed, slower, creepier version of the GU fight song plays as the camera shows shots of Aluminum Jesus, the Jesuit House hand and Crosby Student Center. As the music quickens and gets even darker, the camera swoops into a door marked “President’s Office” to a nameplate on a desk: Frank Underwood.

Interior shot: The President’s Office on the second floor of College Hall.

The office is neatly organized except for a few papers cluttering the main desk. There’s GU memorabilia all about, complete with a framed poster of John Stockton shaking hands with Bing Crosby that was obviously photoshopped. Standing in front of the desk with his arms crossed and a steely demeanor is Frank Underwood, President of Gonzaga University.

Frank (to camera):

Back in Gaffney, South Carolina, we had a saying: Never put all your peach baskets in the same storm cellar if you aren’t absolutely certain it will not rain. Now I took this advice for most of my career, during my undergraduate years at Gonzaga, through my doctorate program here, and even during my time serving on the board of trustees. But in order for someone like me to rise to lead the University – well, rules were made to be broken, weren’t they?

There’s a knock at the door. In walks Doug Stamper, Vice President of Student Development. Doug says everything in a weird whisper, so you’re not really sure how you feel about him yet.

Frank:

Doug! To what do I owe the pleasure? I thought our meeting about the gnat eradication wasn’t until 4?

Doug:

I know. Something pressing has come up. Zoe Barnes is outside, and she won’t leave until you see her. I’ve told her you were busy, but she won’t budge. Says it’s urgent.

Frank looks at the camera, angry.

Frank:

Ms. Barnes is the GSBA Student Body President. Sharp as a whip she is, but she can be a pain in my side that will not go away. I wonder what beef she has now.

Doug:

Who are you talking to?

Frank:

Don’t worry about it. Send her in.

Doug exits, and pushing her way past him into the office is Zoe Barnes. Looking like she’s always in a rush but somehow still looking very attractive, she hurriedly rushes over to Frank with an outstretched hand.

Zoe:

Mr. President. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me today, I know you’re busy.

Frank:

Well it appears I didn’t have much of a choice, now did I? Please, sit.

Zoe:

That’s alright, I’ll be brief. I’ve gotten reports that the ticket distribution for the WCC tournament games in Las Vegas was rigged, and hundreds of seniors didn’t get tickets.

Frank:

Yes, I’ve heard. It’s a very unfortunate situation, but regrettably it’s out of my hands.

Zoe:

But you’re the president of the university! There has to be something you can do, fix the email, redistribute, anything?

Frank:

I’m sorry Ms. Barnes, but that’s the athletic department’s responsibility. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get something to eat.

Zoe tries to block his way as Frank brushes past her.

Zoe:

Okay, I didn’t want to pull this out, but here it is. I heard from a very reliable source that the shortage of tickets is because of insider selling. They say that you bought out over 300 tickets in the student section to sell to alumni and other political backers. That’s illegal, Mr. President.

Frank stops in his tracks.

Frank (to camera):

Now, sometimes when the mosquitoes are biting, it’s really less about their hunger and more about their victim’s salt content of the blood. The saltier the victim, the more likely they are to get bit. These tickets are my fat-backed bacon, and I will not become a vegan.

Frank:

Come with me.

Frank and Zoe enter Panda Express, where they are greeted by Freddy, the guy that scoops you the orange chicken.

Frank (to camera):

I’ve been coming to Freddy since I was appointed President. Well, not Freddy specifically. They all work in shifts, you see, but Freddy is my favorite.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. And maybe some Sweetfire Chicken for Ms. Barnes here.

Zoe:

I’m not hungry. I’m still pretty mad. And I will expose you.

Frank:

Suit yourself.

Frank receives his food and eats, while Zoe watches pissed off.

Zoe:

You can’t dodge this forever. The students want the tickets, it’s a matter of fairness.

Frank:

Look here, Ms. Barnes. I have already denied all allegations concerning inside ticket sales, and I will NOT be blackmailed by some political science major wearing their mother’s suit pants.

Frank (to camera):

Doug told me that Ms. Barnes would be stubborn, that she wouldn’t budge. Well I’ve found that everyone will budge if you push hard enough, and Ms. Barnes is definitely someone I can push. She’s on the wrong track now, but it won’t take much for me to push her onto the right train and get things going in my direction again.

Zoe:

It’s not blackmail, Mr. President. I just want the students to be treated fairly. I would hate for the Bulletin to get ahold of this.

Zoe stands up and walks away, believing she’s bested Frank. The camera zooms in on the fortune cookie that Frank is holding in his hands. It slowly pans up to his angry, threatening stare as we hear the “snap” of the breaking of the cookie. Cut to black.