OPINION: Oh, I Guess We All Just Enjoy Memorial Day Now, Ha! Ha!

HIGH HORSE, W.Va. — Oh hey, what’s up America? I couldn’t help but be a little nosy after hearing all the party noise and uh, oh my! What do we have here? A big cookout with friends and family, eh? Hot dogs and cupcakes and music? Is that a keg? Wow! Great way to remember our fallen military, America. Really thoughtful.

I see the kids all doing cannonballs in the pool over there. That’s great. A lot of fun. I’m sure all the Revolutionary War dead who took a cannon ball to the face would love to be here cheering them on right now. Oh look, they’ve got their Super Soakers out, too, because war is a fun game! What a perfect day for that lesson!

I guess, uh, I guess we all just “enjoy Memorial Day” now, America. Is that it? Ha! Ha! I guess that’s a thing we all do now!?

I must be crazy because here I thought we’d all maybe show a little respect for the fallen. Maybe have the patriotic fortitude to sit in the dark in our empty bathtubs listening to Lee Greenwood on repeat and shaming everyone on Facebook who’s posting party pics. But nope! Go ahead and do your own thing, America.

Hey, I guess we’ll just go out all willy-nilly and enjoy a nice American day off from work! It’s on the house! Free of charge! No cost of human life here! Just free ‘ol freedom, right?! Whoopidy dooooooo!

I have an idea while you’re at it, America! Why don’t you take down the American flags in your front yards, cut them up into a thousand tiny pieces, sprinkle them onto your burgers, and then shit them out onto the chests of other American flags later on. Because that’s what you’re doing right now as you absentmindedly relax on your hammocks and set up your horseshoe pits. You’re literally taking big, hot, steamers on Old Glory.

Oh, sure, sure, every time you go boating on Memorial Day a fallen brother or sister in arms gets their wings! Keep telling yourself that! When deep down we all know that if they were still with us every single one of them would be on the internet reminding you traitors that today is not about barbecues.

No, don’t get upset! You’re right, America. I’m being dramatic. In fact, I’m really kicking myself now because I decided to fast for breakfast this morning as a way of reflecting on Memorial Day. What I should have done was find some baby bald eagle eggs and made a nice omelet like the rest of you.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to hang out with some real Americans who understand Memorial Day. Our active duty military and veteran heroes who understand.. what? They’re playing flip cup at the block party? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!