Ask Amy: Mom worries about in-laws' alcohol use

Dear Amy: I’ve been married for 20 years. My in-laws all live locally and are all very high-functioning daily alcohol consumers.

We are all involved in a prominent successful family business that involves several liquor licenses. Alcohol was not part of my childhood culture, and I rarely drink.

We all meet every Sunday at Grandma’s for a lovely meal where alcohol is omnipresent, although no one gets “out of hand.”

I am panicked, and feeling very isolated, as I watch our children come of age with the associated teenage experimentation and boundary pushing. How can I ask my husband and extended family to model family life and social activity without alcohol consumption when our teens are present?

How do I respond when they likely refuse, or worse, agree but then don’t follow through?

— Tea Total

Dear Tea Total: Is it possible that your in-laws are demonstrating how to consume alcohol responsibly? Adults coming together and drinking wine with a meal, for instance, is how many cultures around the world celebrate togetherness.

You should talk to your husband about this, and — without asking his family to behave differently — discuss how you two will approach this topic with your teens. You should be honest with them: “There is a lot of alcohol consumed in our businesses and in our family. We want to talk to you about how to use alcohol responsibly.”

Your kids receive alcohol education in school. They are likely surrounded by alcohol temptation otherwise. It is not necessary for you and your husband to be on the same page here (he consumes alcohol and you don’t). Following the law and choosing moderation when they do drink will be vital.

The lessons your kids receive at home are potent and important, and if you deliver these messages calmly and with an attitude of openness (not panic), they will listen.

Dear Amy: I work in a church office, which is on the first floor of the pastor’s home. When the pastor moved in, he allowed his rescue dog, “Buster,” to freely roam the entire house.

Buster comes into meetings and sometimes makes a ruckus, making it difficult to hear. In general, though, he is well-behaved.

I am not a dog lover, but I tolerate them. However, I do not believe that animals belong in office-type workplaces. Everyone else in the office likes dogs (some more than others).

Unfortunately, Buster has already bitten two children and one adult.

There are many children who come into the office and meeting space. We in the office tell parents not to let their kids play with the dog and have signs up with the same message.

Our fear is that the dog may more seriously bite someone and we may be sued if the injury is bad enough.

If I approach the pastor, I might seem self-serving, and the others either do not share my concerns or don’t want to approach him.

Am I overreacting? How should I broach the subject?

— Concerned Office Worker

Dear Concerned: You shouldn’t feel self-conscious about raising this topic with your pastor. You work in the office, many people (including children) spend time there, and this has arisen as a concern.

Keep your statements neutral and factual: “Buster has bitten some people — I think that sometimes he gets overwhelmed when there are a lot of people here.”

Ask if there are ways to limit Buster’s roving. A baby gate across the office’s entrance might give him proximity to the action without placing him in the midst of it. If the dog has had access to the whole parsonage, this would entail an adjustment period on his part.

Surely your pastor is aware of the many risks — physical and legal — of having a dog that bites. I don’t think it’s necessary to remind him.

Also important: Others who work in the office who love having Buster around will likely undermine efforts to limit his roaming unless the pastor is fully on board.

Dear Amy: I didn’t like your advice to “Bewildered Bride,” who was worried about including her groomsman’s abusive partner in their wedding. You advised her to “run out the clock” and see if this relationship ends before the wedding.

However, the wedding gives the abusive woman something to hang onto. These friends need to be completely honest: “It’s her or us.”

— Bothered

Dear Bothered: Drawing this line might prompt the abused party to choose “her” instead of “us.” I believe this places him at risk.

(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.)

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