"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Thursday, August 2, 2012

What We're Reading

Compiled by the
editors of HoseMaster of Wine™

DECANTER: The magazine’s recent decision to use
the 100 Point Scale when reviewing wines is graciously explained in a post
entitled, “Taking it Up the Arse From Parker.” In the same issue, Gerald Asher
explores the history of orange wines in “We Love the Smell of Arse in the
Morning.” Asher explains the role of Cistercian monks
in the creation of orange wines, noting that the aromas “reminded them of their
early days in the church being buggered, a term that can be applied to those
who purchase today’s orange wines.”

STEVE!: Nothing that happens in Oakland escapes
Steve Heimoff’s attention, and in a recent post he writes about the resurgence
of the Oakland A’s and how it relates to wine. “With wine, as with baseball, it
doesn’t matter how big your budget is,” he writes in his signature
haven’t-really-thought-it-through style, “we all come to play with our own
balls.” The analogy loses some steam, though, when he begins to talk about
being successful with men in scoring position.

WALL STREET JOURNAL: Jay McInerney writes a
compelling and compassionate article “What the Poor People Are Drinking” in
which he blind tastes wines under $40. “I felt so dirty,” he writes, “and so
grateful that no one could see the labels of what was inside those brown bags;
and yet now I understand the shame the average working man feels having to
serve these wines to family and friends. I can’t get the taste of failure out
of my mouth.” Lettie Teague has an interesting article on coasters.

1WINEDOODY: In his most fascinating video post
yet, Joe Roberts uses Rock’em Sock’em Robots to explain the effects of high
alcohol in wines, which he seems to be suffering from in the video. The effect is
also aptly demonstrated when he drops his trousers, bends over, and reTweets.

WINE SPECTATOR: James Laube writes a fascinating
editorial about “Personality in Wine” and how he’s never had any. The editors
look at “Ten Virginia Wineries to Watch” and come up with three. Matt Kramer
wonders at the recent California
foie gras ban and fears that the same lawmakers will ban Wine Spectator for “similarly shoving absolute crap down people’s
throats for years.” Tim Fish on the wine industry’s most important discovery--cardboard.

FOODANDWINE: Wine editor Ray Isle on why
supermarket wines are best recommended by supermarket magazines. Turns out it’s
like owning a pub near the circus—“if you set the bar too high, it offends the
midgets.” Cleanup on Isle four, please. And the results of a Reader Survey
answered by their subscriber.

SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE: Jon Bonne remarks on
the newest trend in San Francisco
restaurants, Transgender Sommeliers. “They seem to have a special affinity for
orange wines,” he writes. Also, the Chronicle Tasting Panel sorts through the
current trend of lower alcohol in wine, finding that, “not only do the wines
express their terroir more intensely, you can refill your car battery with the
leftovers.”

VORNOGRAPHY:Alder makes the case for his inclusion in the Vintners Hall of Fame.
“Please make sure and cast your ballots for whomever you think deserves the
honor, Robert Parker or some damn Mirassou or other, but if you can find it in
your heart, I’d appreciate a write-in vote. I’ll be there some day anyway, I’d
just like to enjoy the honor sooner rather than later. I’m the greatest living
wine blogger, and a gift to the wine industry.” Gerald Asher responds,
“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! My eyes, my eyes, I’m struck blind!”

WINE AND SPIRITS: Joshua Greene uncovers the
allure of Greek wines, “although” he writes, “alcohol was banned in my college
fraternity.” Patrick Comiskey sees the future of Washington wines, and it is Lemberger. “It’s
rough, it’s harsh, it’s graceless, it’s everything I like in wine. A dead
ringer for its cousin Danberger.”

16 comments:

Kathy
said...

'“Ten Virginia Wineries to Watch” and come up with three."And more. My reply? ha, ha, ha...and hysterical ha (sorta like how I laughed when Boris got stuck on the Olympic zip line.) One reason why I will never blog....Hosemaster! (But don't hold me to it).

Sorry to be here again...butOops, thanks BBC. It is percentage of medal vs whatever people. Don't dis Romania (for so many reasons). http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/olympics/2012/games-so-farNo, my real name is not Lehrer.

Four years ago is when I started the original HoseMaster of Wine, and I wrote a bunch of posts about those 2008 Olympic games--sadly, those posts are gone now, along with the cheesecake female Olympic athlete photos that accompanied them.

Lampoon doesn't come with a poodle. But any word with "poon" in it is, by definition, funny. Did Sally ride drink poonTang? See, hilarious!

Since you (or was it Josh?) brought it up, Ron, you should know that orange wines originated in Greece, and are the common source of all modern Greek wines, retsina notwithstanding. It goes with competing in the Olympics in the nude.

Obviously, I stole the format from the NY Times, where Asimov routinely links to the dullest and blandest writing on the Internet.

In my youth, I routinely spent a couple of hours every morning writing jokes. Just jokes. That's sort of what this is, only focused on the wine blogosphere. Sadly, there are so few blogs worth even mentioning that I end up lambasting the same targets over and over. Not that they don't deserve it, just that it would be nice to have some new faces to slap.

Very funny, as always, but I couldn't help noticing that nearly all of your descriptions in the current picks had either a "penchant for buggery" or are concerned with a, er... *specific area of anatomy*...

My advice is this: never blog before your daily BM. Because blogs are often a written BM... so they will not actually provide physical relief, so to speak...

Wow! I believe #1 Wine Doody just opened up a whole new avenue here...

I, for one, learned long ago not to drink/hork/consume/imbibe anything while reading a HoseMaster post for the above and aforementioned reasons. (Sorry, Thomas, we don't have the same drought and necessity here for...hmmm...'moisture.')

Favorite line (amongst sooooooo many): "Lettie Teague has an interesting article on coasters." Such an interesting woman.

Yeah, the whole Decanter thing set me off on the wrong chute, though, really, only a few entries were that scatological. But your advice is sound. However, on a personal note, I usually blog during my daily BM. I think that's rather obvious.

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

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