Hey, Aikman, Check Your Head

Sunday Confidential

October 1, 2000|By Mike Bianchi, Sentinel Columnist

Running off at the typewriter . . .

Dallas Cowboys doctors have advised Troy Aikman to avoid unnecessary contact that could lead to more concussions. May I suggest a game against the Jaguars' defense? . . . I'm sorry, but if those Olympic swimmers keep breaking records, they're simply going to have to make the pool deeper. . . . And with all the drug allegations at the Olympics, maybe Marion Jones should just go ahead and change her last name to Barry. . . . Did you see where Mike DuBose offered to resign as coach at Alabama after the loss to Southern Miss? It makes you wonder what exactly DuBose's legacy will be when he is run out of Tuscaloosa. Bear Bryant's most famous quote is, "A tie is like kissing your sister." What will be DuBose's most memorable words? "A win is like kissing your secretary?'' . . . Having already lost to Casey Martin in two lower courts, now PGA Tour officials are taking their case to the U.S. Supreme Court. And after that, the U.N. Security Council. . . .

If I ever get into a fight at one of my kids' Little League games, will you please do me a favor? Shoot me! . . . I'm not saying Starkville, Miss., is behind the times, but the place I stayed this weekend was called the Motel 3. . . . Scientists have discovered remnants of human habitation under the Black Sea, 12 miles off the coast of Turkey. Artifacts recovered so far include stone tools, wooden beams and the original letter-of-intent Chris Weinke signed with Florida State. . . . OK, this tape-delay stuff is getting ridiculous. Last night I was watching NBC, and Bill Toomey won the decathlon. . . .

Tinkle, tinkle, Olympic star,

Come and fill your little jar.

No wonder you have such strength and tone,

Your body is filled with nandrolone.

Now hear this

A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue. Just thought you'd like to know. . . . It's Sunday. Has the LPGA changed the name of another major today? . . . Sim Kwon Ho, a wrestling medalist from Korea, arrived at his Olympic semifinal match wearing an Orlando Magic sweatshirt. After watching Ho maul and mug his opponents, wouldn't a Miami Heat sweatshirt have been more appropriate? . . . Louisiana State (after losing to Alabama-Birmingham) and Alabama (after dropping to 1-3 following last week's loss to Arkansas) got votes in The Associated Press poll last week. Not only do some Southeastern Conference schools need to raise their academic standards, so do some SEC media outlets. . . . We all owe Carl Pickens an apology. He was right about the Bengals. . . .

And that flawed idea that FSU would raise the level of Atlantic Coast Conference football should be filed right alongside the Volkswagen Thing. . . . Sequel to Keyshawn Johnson's autobiography: Will Somebody Pass the Damn Shoehorn So I Can Pry My Foot Out of My Damn Mouth! . . . With the way the Olympic TV coverage keeps tugging at the heartstrings, NBC now stands for "Nothing But Crying." . . .

Did you see where The Exorcist has been re-released with updated scenes and dialogue? For instance, in one scene, the music starts playing in the room as the bed starts to rumble and shake. The music picks up speed as the girl burns and writhes and tears at her hair. The door opens, and a kindly priest enters the room, bearing holy books and incense. He approaches the bed with trepidation, a cross in his hand. The girl sits up abruptly, face twisted in a hideous scowl, eyes bulging, tongue moving in a serpentine dance. And then she howls: "Can we please get instant replay in college?" . . . Olympic event I'd like to see: uneven parallel bars for gymnasts with uneven arms. . . .