What You Can Learn from Romance Novels

See why this reading material isn't all fluff

Everything I know about romance, I learned from romance novels; I am, after all, the editor of a romance novel blog. So it stands to reason that I should know a fair amount about romance itself, considering the amount of time I spend reading, reviewing, discussing and celebrating all these novels that recount courtship and happy endings.

I'm here to tell you that romance is easily summed up in one word: Fabio. The long, blond hair, the gleaming hunks of waxed man-cleavage peeking out from a shirt that's undone but still tucked in: these are the hallmarks of romance. I'm kidding, of course. That may be the stereotypical image of romance, and most certainly of romance novels, but that's not romance itself—not by a long shot.

Romance novels often are accused of generating false expectations among readers. Not so: romance novels can and have pointed the way toward genuine expressions of affection for many readers, myself included. Reading romance helps me, for example, recognize truly elegant and heartfelt moments when I find them in the real world, outside the pages of fiction. Romance is neither the Fabio hair nor a grand, sweeping moment with a crescendo of music and flowers raining from the sky. Romance is a lifelong habit present in the way we treat those we love and choose to be with. Most importantly, romance is found in how we treat ourselves.

The simplest way to explain romance is to think of it as an action. If you're a grammarian, consider it a verb, though saying that someone "romanced" someone else sounds about as stilted and antiquated as hearing that someone went "a-wooing." Still, thinking about romance as a verb can help decode what romance is: romance is an action taken, most likely because ardor (or man-cleavage) is present.

Some of the most romantic moments in fiction include big, sweeping gestures, like flying someone to the other side of the world on a whim, but most are tiny moments of private expression, such as holding onto the button from someone's coat, just because you can't stop thinking about him or her. These collected moments are what keep romance readers returning for more, and what keeps a healthy relationship thriving.

Romance novels can teach you that romance itself is not merely a single gift or a gesture, and it sure isn't just knockin' boots. Romance doesn't even guarantee a happy ending—anyone who has been through a bad breakup can tell you that, myself included. It's not chocolate or hearts, diamonds or roses, yachts or airplanes. It's not the gesture itself that creates the romance. It's the motivation behind the gift or action, no matter what time of year it arrives.

Romance can include sex but it is not just sex. So that itchy uncomfortable g-string you think would be the hottest thing since hot was invented? Maybe not. Romance is when it's Not All About You. It's valuing someone else's happiness as much as, if not above, your own, and doing something merely to make that person happy. It's not getting some; it's giving some.

Romance also means routine maintenance. You change the oil in your car and put gas in the tank because you don't take your car's function for granted. It needs fuel and care to get going. Neither should you take the most important people in your life for granted. Those relationships need care and fuel as well, through appreciation and acknowledgment. It can be as simple as saying "Please" and "Thank you." For example: Please know that your being here makes me happy. Thank you for making me smile.

But regardless of how it is expressed, romance is truthful, and it is timeless because of that authenticity. Romance is making sure that your someone knows he is loved without any requests or expectations of change.

To date, the most romantic words I've ever read weren't from a novel, but were from an anniversary card sent to a woman I knew when I was a young girl. Her husband sent it on their tenth anniversary, and she'd kept the card for more than 60 years. This year marks the tenth anniversary of my own marriage, and I've found no better expression than this man's inscription to his wife:

"Ten years with you is like ten minutes. Ten minutes without you is like ten years."

May your relationships be constructed of moments like these because, in real life just as in fiction, we all deserve to live happily ever after.

Sarah Wendell is co-founder and current mastermind behind Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, one of the top romance novel review and discussion sites online—for those seeking heuristic explorations of female sexual agency and bodacious man titty in narrative prose.

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