The San Antonio Spurs: Nothing makes a team look old and creaky quite like facing a young, running, gunning team on the road on the second night of back-to-backs. And that's exactly what happened to the "new-look" Spurs last night.

Sure, Tim Duncan (28 points, 16 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 steals, 3 blocks) tortured the Bulls like they had just cut off his mom's head, Mrs. Voorhees-style. But the rest of the Spurs? Well, if you're a San Antonio fan, watching them get walked all over by a less-talented Bulls team had to be almost as disturbing as these Robert Pattinson underwear:

Why, God? Why?

On the subject, come on, Twighlight fans. Is this kind of stuff really necessary? Isn't it bad enough that your beloved book-turned-movie series has finalized the emasculation of the American vampire -- which was begun by Anne Rice, by the way -- turning the former terrifying creatures of the night into day-walking teddy bears who spend more time planning for the prom than kicking ass without plastering your hunky star's vamp face onto the casing intended for a male crotch? Why not just write some fan fiction where Edward blows somebo...oops, too late.

How did all this start, anyway? Oh, right. So the Spurs not named Tim Duncan sucked ass last night. Tony Parker (former Finals MVP) and Manu Ginobili (who really, really needs to just shave his damn head) combined to shoot 7-for-22. The team was slaughtered on the offensive boards in the first half, giving up 10 for 19 second-chance points going Chicago's way. For the game, the Bulls (a notoriously bad rebounding team last season) outrebounded the Spurs 52-44 (including 15-8 on the offensive glass) and had a 23-12 edge in second-chance points.

Despite Ducan's 13-for-19 performance, the Spurs shot 42 percent for the game, 19 percent from downtown (4-for-21) and only 65 percent from the line (15-for-23).

Richard Jefferson: He was San Antonio's biggest offseason acquisition...and through two games, he's their biggest bust. This went somewhat unnoticed because the Spurs thrashed the Hornets on opening night, but Jefferson stunk it up in his first game for his new team (5 points, 1-for-7). He wasn't much better in his second game, scoring only 9 points on 3-for-9 shooting. I understand that it's going to take him time to adjust to Pop's system, but Jefferson has looked like a poor fit so far.

John Salmons: The Fish Man is supposed to be the Bulls' replacement for Ben Gordon (and Gordon's 20+ points per game). Well, Chicago fans who freaked out when management let Gordon walk had their fears partially justified last night. Salmons went 3-for-15 from the field and 1-for-9 from three-point range. It was like Gordon had left behind his shot selection but not his shot-making ability. For John's sake, let's, uh, hope it was the San Antonio defense.

But wait, there's more. With Portland trailing 95-94 with five seconds left, Greg stepped up to the line with a chance to tie the game or give his team the lead. And he shanked 'em both. Oh dear, free throw fail. And, yeah, it kinda cost his team the game. Said Oden: "This is a tough one. I definitely stepped up there with confidence thinking I was going to hit both and it didn't go that way. I put this loss on me. I need to step up and make those."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Don't put 100 percent of this loss on Oden, though. The Blazers shot 34 percent from the field. It's a little hard to win when you shoot that poorly, especially when your top two players (Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge) combine to go 10-for-31. So I'm wagging my finger at the whole team here.

Nate McMillan, unintentionally dirty quote machine: This nomination comes from Alex B., who lives all the way in Romania. After his team lost last night, Nate paid some unintentionally dirty homage to Carmelo Anthony's 41 points: "The guy showed tonight what he's all about. [The Nuggets] basically gave him the ball and rode him."

The Official (Short) Lacktion Report (by Chris): No night is too brief for lacktion:

Spurs-Bulls: Theo Ratliff's unproductive stint expired after 2:43, but not before he dropped down a foul for a +1 suck differential, also good for the very first Madsen-level Voskuhl of the year at 1:0!

Nuggets-Blazers: While the living embodiment of Geritol bricked from the charity stripe, Denver's Malik Allen mushroomed into a four-second Super Mario!!!!!!

It is so disappointing. Were it not for a block by the 6'5" Aaron Afflalo, he would have recorded an amazing +4 suck differential in 14 minutes! But what's even more bizarre is that the 6'1" Jannero Pargo almost recorded a +1 suck differential in 7 minutes, but was also saved by a block. Clearly the sport is getting more athletic and suckier by the day.

NarSARSist: I saw Affalo's statline building up to fail on the live boxscore...then saw the contributory block on a refresh and was mildly crushed.

BTW, guys: I should attend Z-Bo's visit to the "outdated" Arco Arena in three days, right? :D Assuming I'm not stupid enough to buy a front row seat that costs nearly $800, EVEN considering the matchup (as I wrote on in a recent Bawful article).

Is Jefferson, like Marion, another victim of "it's easy to look better than you are when you have an elite point guard feeding you for easy buckets" syndrome? I think it's too early to tell. Besides, he played well enough in Milwaukee. I won't start to be concerned by his lackluster performances until we're about 30 or 40 games into the season.

All I can see when Ginobili steps on the floor is this HUGE BALD SPOT flopping from one end to the other. The rest of the game seems to become irrelevant- all I can see is the bald spot, and all I can hear is "Dear GOD, what IS THAT THING?" echoing in my perfect ears.

I think he's afraid that if he shaves his head, people will think he's Marcin Gortat's little brother.

AnacondaHL -- I love that nickname too. There was a great though unrecorded comic moment during the playoffs. I was watching one of the Bulls-Celtics playoff games with Statbuster, and out of nowhere he rips out, "John Salmons, swimming upstream for the Chicago Bulls." Maybe I was just really drunk, but I almost pissed myself. I guess you had to be there...

K_Yew -- That's why I'm avoiding that subject like the plague. It's great fodder for Basketbawful, but it just saddens me. I'd rather laugh.

chris -- Please go. Please. I'm begging you.

A -- I think that's about right. I'm not saying he won't be able to adjust to the Pop's system, but the Spurs don't create the kind of offense that made Jefferson look so great in New Jersey. Tony Parker is a dynamic scorer, but he's a lousy point guard. In fact, he really only plays that position because of his size and lack of defensive chops.

ak dave -- +1 for the Princess Bride reference. But you know I'm a sucker for that movie.

Ruben -- Hm. I'll look into the predition thing.

Clifton -- Yes, I Googled it, but even I was shocked at how many results I got. I never realized there was such a strong need for Twighlight slash fiction.

Sacramento didn't get jobbed in '02, they lost. There's a big difference. Sure, they suffered some bogus calls in game 6 in LA, just like LA got hosed by an awful out-of-bounds call with seconds left in game 5 in Sacto that set up the Kings' winning shot.

Sacramento shot 16-for-30 from the line in an OT loss in game 7. In their own crib. That's what "jobbed" them.

Champs fight through officiating BS. In last year's game 4 of the finals, in Orlando, the Magic outshot LA 17-0 in 4th quarter/OT free throws, and LA found a way to win.

Sure, the NBA's officiating blows. Everyone deals with it. If you're a winner, you figure out a way to rise above it. Sorry, but that's the way it's ALWAYS been.

I have an honest question: does anyone think that eventually Greg Oden will get all the kinks out of his game and really put it together as a top flight center in the NBA? As a Laker fan it's in my nature to just want to mock him, but in my more serious moments Im not really sure if he'll end up being good or if he'll always be like this. He's gonna be 22 soon so he's still got a lot of time to grow, but he really hasn't even shown any flashes of greatness yet that I can remember, and I can't help but feel that we should have at least seen a glimpse of some true domination lurking somewhere beneath the surface by this point, right?

Clifton - You know as well as I do that Mr. Bawful almost surely wrote that piece of fanfic. Now we know why it really took him so long to finish those last couple Living Large installments: he simply had more interesting things to write about :)

I think they're going to be fine, if they can stay healthy. They are my season opener pick to win the title.

Who thinks that Manu and Mr. Longoria are going to have bad seasons? Yeah, me neither. Who thinks McDyess will leave it all on the floor for a championship? Yeah, me too. RJ is a bit of a question mark, but I'm going to demand that we give a guy at least a couple of months to mesh with Pop's system. Heck, the guy has gone from Frank to Pop. It boggles the mind. RJ will actually need to relearn some basketball fundamentals after playing for the Nets that long.

But let's not forget that he's been in pressure situations. He'll contribute nicely. Pop will ensure that.

And Timmy, of course, will be the Big Fundamental.

So, barring Manu's ankle disassembling again, this is the best pick for the 2010 champ.

Yams-- I think Oden will be a good center at best. He has the thing you can't teach (size), but he doesn't seem to have that spark. But he may be a good cog for a contender some day.

Joe Alexander just did his best Z-Bo impression, and mimicked his "worst possession ever," by losing his handle on a crossover, then launching up an epic airball three. It was... well, it was breathtaking.

Wormboy - I know I'm biased as he'll but I really don't think that the Spurs can beat LA this year if both teams stay healthy. Tim Duncan, Matt Bonner & McDyess are woefully overmatched by Gasol, Odom & Bynum if those guys are healthy and Bynum keeps playing the way he has been. Hell, Bynum outplayed Duncan straight up the last time they played each other last year. Attest & RJ is probably a wash, Kobe's better than Manu even if Ginobili is perfectly healthy. Parker kills LA, but it's tougher for him to penetrate against LA's frontline, and LA has a lot of guys to put on him.

For me it comes down to who guards Gasol/Odom (since Duncan's post D will be needed for Bynum), and now that Bowen is gone, who will guard Kobe? If RJ covers Kobe does that leave Manu on Artest? That's a he'll of a lot to ask of a guy Manu's size.

San Antonio is a good team, no question, but I think the matchups strongly favor LA, especially if LA has HCA (which they probably will).

Chris. You must know that Zach can score points. And he had an amazing 7 rebounds to go with it (sarcasm). But yeah, the main problem with Z-Bo is that he's out to get his. And more of his. And then take someone else's. Then relax on defense.

On Oden: No. How often do guys suddenly learn to not foul 4 times in the first 2 quarters of a game after they've been doing it for a season and a half?

If he becomes better than Erick Dampier, then I will consider it a mild surprise. Right now he's on about the same level. He could make a career out of being Alonzo Mourning after his transplant. Defense and points off of rebounds only, if you didn't guess.

True. I had to watch the Bottom Line as the Clips kept it close until the fourth. I mentioned that my college team is good enough to call the fourth quarter winning time, while the Clips are more of a fourth quarter losing time kind of team. Of course they choked it away.

Although I must say, I think that they could have a chance to go on a winning streak if they keep playing close, considering it's without their best line-up. *knocks on wood*

I'm am riding a high off of a big Suns win, and a big Lakers loss, as well.

I am sure you saw this but in case you didnt you will find it interesting,it is from the black sheep judge that is doing time hah http://deadspin.com/5392067/excerpts-from-the-book-the-nba-doesnt-want-you-to-read

Mavs are my second team, so last night was a good/bad scenario. I'm glad the Mavericks were able to get a win against a quality opponent, but a little annoyed that L.A. didn't seem to consider Dallas a worthy opponent due to their crappy play. I think it could be good for both teams---L.A. needs a wake-up call that they need to bring it, and Dallas usually starts off slow, so this could help them momentum-wise.But this game means two things-Jack and Shit, mostly. L.A. was lackadaisical mostly and just cruddy the rest of the time. The Mavs had one hell of a stinker on opening night that they probably wanted to make up for, and sometimes even good teams can't get a shot to fall. Such was the case here. If anyone needs me I'll be busy trying to find a way to permanently silence Reggie Miller's ferengi-looking, Stat-cursing ass. 21-0 indeed. sheesh.