You know what I hate worse than almost anything, Clyde? When I tell someone over and over again, for decades, not to eat my food without asking but they do it anyway. Thank God for Culture Clash. You know what else I can't stand? Throwing out egg salad just because it's gone really, really bad. I mean, even rotten egg salad has it's uses. I'm gonna get you for thi- OGAWD!

Y'know the interesting thing about cologne? The same cologne smells different on different people. Maybe it chemically interacts with an individual's ph or what not. On one man, it can smell like an ocean breeze, but on another man the same cologne might smell like six-year-old egg salad. Why are you telling me this? No reason. I'm not wearing cologne.

Thanks for agreeing to meet me. You have till I'm done with this salad. Susan, losing you made me see myself through your eyes and I didn't like what I saw. … I was an insensitive jerk. But I've done a lot of work on myself these last few months, Susan. Pass the ketchup. Why do you want ketchup? ... Anyway, we had something special. Please give me another chance. Snookums, I've changed. Did you save room for dessert, ma'am? No thanks. I'm watching her weight. Note to self: Never pass the ketchup.

I'm Elmer Humbug, from the heartland. I just can't vote fer that Obama. He wants me to inflate m'tires. An' also, he eats arugula. Any salad green with more'n two syllables is uppity. Four syllables, an' its patriotism is suspect. Anyways, what line o' work you in, city dude? I'm a blogger, and you? Farmer. Salt o' the earth, I tell you. Raise crops like lettuce, squash, arugula, spring wheat, radishes... Wait. go back? Spring wheat. Further back. I'm Elmer- Not that far.

You fainted two weeks ago. Hit your head on a pair of salad tongs, and you've been in coma ever since. The good news is you're awake now. Oh, dear God … What's the bad news? Well, Lemont, you … Who's Lemont?