Friday, September 23, 2011

No one is perfect. I have used Facebook and my blog as a vent for a long time. I still love to blog to get my frustrations out and reflect on things that have happened. A lot of my post have been about the kids Dad and I have decided that isn't fair. A long time ago in high school (ha ha ha) I learned that you should never talk negative about your significant other. When you talk badly or vent about them to someone else that negativity is all that is remembered. JT and I have a rocky past, but he isn't 100% bad. I feel terrible about some of the things I have done. The good part about venting is that you don't look bad yourself. I admit I have done wrong. I have done a lot of things to him as well. I never wanted to look bad and if I changed the focus to him no one would see threw me.

At 18 I wasn't ready for a serious relationship let alone a family. I over step a lot of mile stones. I didn't learn how to communicate, I didn't learn how a relationship worked, I didn't learn who I was. I did learn how to piss someone off though. JT took just as much from me as I ever got from him. The weekend I turned 18 I came home to boxes on the front grass of all my stuff. I moved in with JT having no place to go. Even after getting married we still never had a place to ourselves. We lived with his Grandparents and then added Aiden to the picture. We were stressed, confused, and tried to learn how to make life work- truth is we weren't ready. We tried getting our own apartment but still went to his family every day and for everything. We both were influenced by everyone and never learned to share our lives. We were 2 kids struggling to find a life, raise a family, and be a spouse. Neither was ready for the shoes we were trying to fill.

I wish I could have done things differently in my life. I wish I would have practiced abstinence A LOT longer. I wish when I got married I could have moved into my own place and learned how to be a wife and share my life. I wish Kids could have came after an established relationship and had a great foundation to fall back on. I also wish I had some patience. But at the same time I think I have accomplished many great things. I've learned lessons that in other cases would not have. I know things could have been easier but the lessons I've learned are my lessons. I know they were ment for me. I may not have been ready for the life I was trying to have but I feel prepared for my life tomorrow. I also believe that no matter what until we BOTH are ready, a relationship with JT of any kind would never work. I thought I had grown up at 18... but I am still maturing every day. I have different goals now and different expectations. I know JT had to learn his own lessons. I know we weren't ready to share our lives. In time I hope to see things get easier and we are both able to see the lessons we needed to learn and can work threw this life.

I still don't feel like I know how to be a wife, or a Mom, but I do know it takes time and practice. I am doing my best to give my kids everything and not mess up. I am still learning how to keep a smile on every one's face, cook dinner, make sure everyone one has a bath, keep a clean house, do the laundry, make some money, and not collapse when I can't go any further. Life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at anything. I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. I forget what time it is and I am late to appointments sometimes. I forget to call people back. Sometimes I start a fight just to fight and hear your voice. I mess up. I hope I have some easier happy times a head of me and I hope those that I feel close to can support me and watch me fall. I am going to fall. I am going to mess up. I am going to need help. But I have to ask for it. I HAVE to learn these lessons myself.

I read this story from a friend and BALLED like a baby:

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his Biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits." Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your momma put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides... a burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!" You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life... I just did! Life is too short to wake up with regrets... Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

I have learned forgiveness. I don't expect perfection. I want to mess up and I expect others to hurt me. That's life. Forgiveness isn't saying its okay, its accepting things for what has happened and knowing you can't change them. I can move forward. I know things have happened but I cant change them I can just make sure I learn the lesson that was in front of me. If you can't accept me for me, walk away and I'll learn that lesson too.