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West Ham (0) 0-3 (9) Manchester City

FULL TIME And there you have it. To give West Ham some credit, they weren't too bad after the terrible defending for City's first goal. And yet they still managed to concede two more. Over the course of two legs City's NINE goals and West Ham's big fat ZERO fairly accurately sum up the huge chasm that exists between the two sides. The quadruple is still on for Pellegrini's men, while Allardyce can try and forget this semi-final ever happened and focus on league survival. Was it the most meaningless match of all time? It was certainly up there. Thanks for joining me despite that. Cheerio.

90+1 min There have been six substitutions and an injury to Diame - yet we will only have ONE minute of added time! It seems the referee is as keen to bring an end to this as everyone watching.

90 min Where did that come from Clichy? The City full-back decides he's going to turn on the gas from deep and embarks on a Bale-esque run from deep to win a corner. Which comes to nothing.

89 min Diame is being stretchered off the pitch and Collison is on. I'm afraid I'm not totally sure what happened but it doesn't look great. Meanwhile, Cole, Nolan and Lescott are having a jolly great laugh about something. I have even less idea what they are finding so funny.

86 min It's almost over folks. Time to cruise on through to the end. Alan Smith says West Ham have "their dignity intact". I'd hate to see what the scoreline would be if they lost such dignity.

<noframe>Twitter: Richard cracknell - Another couple of minutes and surely Man City will make West Ham bat again??</noframe>

84 min The physios have worked their magic and the Spaniard is back on his feet again.

83 min Negredo takes a very heavy tumble, ending up off the pitch beyond the West Ham byline, and stays down clutching his shoulder. The soon-to-be League Cup finalists will be hoping it is nothing serious.

82 min It nearly happened again! West Ham almost scored! Diame's terrible shot ends up with Cole, who has his back to goal seven yards out. The seven-times England man manages to turn to face the right way but his shot is blocked by Clichy.

78 min Goodnight beautiful eyes. If those eyes could talk... they would be more famous than Justin Bieber. Anyway Navas is off and Kolarov is on.

<noframe>Twitter: Gary Lineker - Think this may just be beyond the hammers now.</noframe>

77 min I'm unsure whether I have mentioned him all game and Navas will wish he had carried on his anonymous performance. The man with football's most beautiful eyes has plenty of space on the right wing but slices his shot miles over and even further wide.

74 min So close to that rare thing: a West Ham goal. Taylor swings a corner to the edge of the six-yard box, Cole shows the most desire battling to win the header and the ball pings just wide of the far post.

72 min Here comes Fernandinhoooooooooooo... (that's the sound the ball made as it flew off his boot from 30 yards and soared higher and higher into the top of the stand).

70 min City have a free-kick on the right and there is a committee of SIX players deciding who should take it. Amazingly Lopes appears to have won. Oh that's why, because he only gets to pass it to a team-mate rather than shoot. The ball is given back to the Portuguese teenager though and this time he scuffs his attempted cross with the ball flying... onto the top of the crossbar! Jaaskelainen was little worried there, with good reason.

67 min "Dad, I thought you said tonight was going to be fun."

<noframe>Twitter: Dave Tickner - Making West Ham play this match every bit as cruel as forcing England to go through the last two Ashes Tests.</noframe>

64 min Aguero and Negredo continue to cause problems for the West Ham defence but Morrison is launching a one-man crusade to deny City their clean-sheet bonus and forces Clichy into committing a cynical foul. That's the end of Aguero's game though because here comes the forgotten £22million man Jovetic.

63 min Rodwell - remember him - is on the pitch in place of Garcia.

62 min That's the kind of trickery that will get you a big-money move to... Fulham. Morrison shows quite brilliant footwork to manouevre his way through about six City players before his shot is blocked by a last-ditch effort from Lescott. That got the fans going briefly.

59 min That goal came just as I was typing the words "I fancy West Ham to grab a goal here". I suppose they could still grab a goal. Not that it matters.

West Ham (0) 0-3 (9) Manchester City (Negredo) I'm not sure how he managed to score this. Negredo picks the ball up 30 yards out and sets about heading towards goal. For all the money in the world he looks like he has lost the ball with two defenders sandwiching him and Jaaskelainen rushing off his goalline. Yet somehow the Spaniard manages to stay on his feet and poke a foot out to dink the ball past the keeper. Super stuff from the City man.

57 min Oh dear. Diame tries to shoot once, only to find Cole in his way. Tries to shoot twice, only to find Cole in his way. And tries to shoot a third time, only for Cole to tackle his own man. Good defending from the West Ham striker...

Colin Whiting is back on the email:

Can see Big Sam in the press interview rueing that penalty...could have been the turning point...get the first and so often the next seven follow.

54 min Here's a chance for West Ham to break their duck. Nastasic kicks Cole from behind and a free-kick is awarded bang in the middle of the pitch 22 yards out. Morrison will take... and he hits it straight into the City wall. Opportunity wasted.

52 min Well played Cole. The West Ham man has absolutely no support as he picks up the ball down the left but he doesn't panic and instead decides to take on Nastasic, does him up like a kipper and shoots into Pantilimon's arms. Having seen a replay of that penalty appeal it does in fact appear that Lescott brought Morrison down without getting the ball. That should have been a penalty methinks.

49 min Penalty appeal! But nothing given by referee Chris Foy. Morrison does well to skip his way into the 18-yard box before tumbling over a City defender. There are big appeals from the supporters but not a whole lot from the West Ham man himself.

47 min What an odd time for another substitution as Joe Cole heads off for Downing. He didn't appear to be injured as he jogged off, but perhaps I am mistaken.

46 min The end of the beard. Carroll is off and Carlton Cole is on. That substitution was planned before the match.

20.45 The beard:

HALF TIME The misery continues for Allardyce, West Ham and all their fans. How they must wish this could all end now. City haven't had to do much... and they haven't really done all that much other than score twice. Can they reach double figures for the tie in the second half? We'll find out shortly.

45 min Carroll has just crunched Pantilimon. The giant City keeper jumps high to claim a looping cross, Carroll takes one look at the situation and decides the best course of action is to bundle all his weight into the Romanian. That hurt.

My off-duty colleague Dan Lucas has emailed in a bigger waste of money than Andy Carroll:

Tickets for the home end tonight?

43 min Lopes is quick but not quite quick enough to outrun Jaaskelainen. The youngster hares after a long ball down the left. It looks close as to whether he will get to the ball to nick it before the Hammers keeper, but Jaaskelainen slides and holds on well on the edge of his box.

Robin Mitchell has emailed this. I actually think Carroll hasn't been that bad tonight! At least he's putting himself about a bit.

In the history of football – has there ever been a bigger waste of money than Andy Carroll – or a bigger anachronism than his manager?

41 min Fernandinho unleashes Aguero behind the West Ham defence, but the whistle is blown for offside. The City striker isn't happy with the decision and he is quite right. He was onside and would have fancied himself to score from that position.

38 min Lopes is doing a decent job of making a name for himself tonight. The young Portuguese midfielder jinks his way into the West Ham half and forces Diarra into a cynical foul within shooting range. Negredo is the man to strike the set piece from 25 yards but strikes straight at the wall.

<noframe>Twitter: Boring James Milner - Just said to Yaya that we only need 3 more goals to break the League cup Semi final total goals scored record. He said Fascinating, James.</noframe>

35 min It's fairly quiet on the pitch and fairly quiet in the stands.

34 min West Ham are attempting to get forward but City are looking the more dangerous of the two sides on the break. They are quicker to the ball, sharper with their passing and... simply much better at football.

31 min A naughty tackle from Aguero prompts the first yellow card of the match. In fact it's not very nice at all. The Argentine half-jumps two-footed into Nolan and misses. He then half-jumps two-footed into Tomkins and catches him on the top of the foot. It wasn't overly vicious but certainly terrible tackling technique.

<noframe>Twitter: Sam Diss - Joe Cole just did a back-heel when we're eight-nil down on aggregate. What a guy.</noframe>

28 min Carroll is a man on a mission tonight. I'm not sure what the mission is, but he appears to have one. This time he charges at the City defence and tries his luck from... hold on... what on earth is that thing on his face? He's grown a beard. And it looks absurd. I'll dig out a photo when I can. Oh, the shot came to nothing by the way.

26 min West Ham fans have paid to watch this.

25 min What do you play for once pride has gone?

West Ham (0) 0-2 (8) Manchester City (Aguero) Lopes may be quite a prospect for the visitors. The teenager keeps his balance beautifully while running from the halfway line and twisting the West Ham defence left and right. He then plays in Aguero, who rounds the final defender and dinks the ball past Jaaskelainen. Lovely stuff.

22 min The West Ham fans are cheering every pass their team makes. Got to take whatever positive you can folks.

21 min The betting shop is safe:

20 min City are starting to get a grip on proceedings, knocking the ball around with ease, which they haven't been able to do in the opening exchanges.

<noframe>Twitter: Henry Winter - The tie was already over. It's all about the performance for <a href="https://twitter.com/search?src=hash&q=%23whufc" target="_blank">#whufc</a>, about salvaging a bit of pride through hard work (and no injuries).</noframe>

17 min Forward come City this time and Aguero forces Jaaskelainen into a decent save. The Argentine carries the ball from the halfway line and shoots from outside the box to the Finn's right. The keeper gets down well though and tips it wide.

15 min There's the big man again. Diarra crosses high, high, high from the right. And high is just where Carroll likes it. He charges infront of an unsuspecting Lescott and wins the header eight yards out. He can't keep it down though and the ball sails over.

12 min Carroll will be keen to start showing what he can now that he is back playing again and he beats Nastasic in the air before winning a corner for the hosts. Nothing comes of it but, hey, like I said... positive signs.

10 min Positive (if that is possible) signs for West Ham. A long, lumped cross is swung in from the left flank and helped on its way by Nastasic. Diame is waiting at the far post though and leathers a bouncing ball towards goal but it sails over.

8 min Aguero is simply too good to be playing up against this West Ham defence. The Argentine makes Johnson look like an amateur by breezing past him on the outside and then cracks an effort that flies wide of Jaaskelainen's goal. Poor Johnson. His debut was the first leg of this tie.

7 min West Ham have pulled one back!!!! No they haven't. Nolan is offside by a mile. Taylor swings a lovely cross from the right and the West Ham skipper is completely unmarked inside the City box to volley home. Alas the reason he was completely unmarked is because he was two yards offside. Oh well, that might be as good as it gets for the home side.

<noframe>Twitter: OptaJoe - 8 - Alvaro Negredo has now netted eight goals in his last six games for Man City (in all comps). Matador.</noframe>

West Ham (0) 0-1 (7) Manchester City (Negredo) That is pathetic defending. Clichy strolls down the left flank under no pressure at all and has time to look up and pick his pass to Lopes on his left who crosses for Negredo. The City striker has no defender within three metres of him and heads past Jaaskelainen. So, so easy.

2 min Morrison, who may or not leave the Hammers this January, passes the ball straight to Lescott. Nice of him, but not ideal for West Ham.

1 min City kick things off for us. And already the commentators have mentioned Headingley '81 and the Ben Ainslie-inspired comeback in the most recent America's Cup.

19.44 Tickets are just £1 for kids tonight but Upton Park is more than half empty. Can't blame them. Ready? Let's begin. Oh wait, just a quick note: Should the aggregate score be level at the end of the game tonight, half an hour of extra time will be played. Away goals will only count after extra time. If the teams remain equal after all of that, it's time for penalties. (NB: none of this will happen).

19.41 It's very nearly kick-off time. Before that, here is a little email from Colin Whiting:

500 to 1 to qualify? Worth a fiver. Also a fiver on west ham to win tonight at 6 to 1. And so in roughly two hours I'll be ten pounds poorer or the smuggest West Ham fan in Cornwall...nay, the South West...England...damn it...the World! Mwah Hah Hah. Or, of course...just ten pounds poorer with echoes of disbelieving ridicule reverberating in my ears...

Hat trick for Nolan, two for Carroll, Joe Cole and Morrison to get on the sheet and finally Carlton Cole to scramble the clincher after City pull one back in the last five minutes.

19.35 Let's have a quick look at the players involved tonight.

Andy Carroll makes his first start of the season as West Ham make seven changes to the side that lost to Newcastle at the weekend. Kevin Nolan and James Tomkins both return from suspension.

City unsurprisingly make eight changes from the XI that began Saturday's defeat of Cardiff, with 18-year-old Portuguese midfielder Marcos Lopes starting alongside striker Sergio Aguero and Joleon Lescott, who has been linked with a move to the Hammers.

Indeed I was discussing this with a friend during the Ashes. Cricket is one of the rare sports where you are forced to carry on playing matches when there is no point in them. The series is lost and yet there can be up to 10 days of meaningless action. Or am I viewing everything the wrong way? Sport is about more than just winning and losing. There is the spectacle, the battle, the pride and everything that comes with sport.... unless you are 6-0 down in a two-leg tie. In which case it's pretty miserable.

19.20 Come on Ben, get into the spirit of things. Miracles can happen can't they? Everyone said England had no chance of coming back to win the Headingley Ashes Test of 1981 (the pivotal match in what would become known as "Botham's Ashes"). The home side's hopes were so dim that Australians Rod Marsh and Dennis Lillee couldn't resist a punt on their opponents at the exact same odds that you can get on West Ham progressing tonight - 500/1. Enter Botham and Bob Willis...

19.05 Good evening everyone. Excited? Me neither. I had the pleasure of blogging the first leg of this semi-final and it was really rather good. Well actually Manchester City were rather good. West Ham were worse than abysmal.

So Is this the deadest of dead rubbers? After a (very brief) bit of head-scratching I have come up with this list of recent footballing dead rubbers. The list only contains two matches: - Ghana 6 Egypt 1, World Cup 2014 play-off - Jordan 0 Uruguay 5, World Cup 2014 play-off

Admittedly neither Ghana nor Uruguay won the second legs of those matches. But that is besides the point. They still cruised through the two-leg ties, rendering the second-leg redundant. Can you add to the list? Email or tweet me if you can.

17.45 Yes this is actually happening. In fact some people have paid £59 to attend Upton Park tonight where West Ham United will attempt to achieve the pretty-much-impossible and overhaul a six-goal Manchester City lead. Those people are not clever people. Clever people will carry on with their lives as though this pointless second leg wasn't happening follow the match for free on this live blog. Ben Bloom will be here from around 6.45pm with all the build-up so make sure you come back then. Your life won't be the same without this game of football.