Wednesday, February 11, 2009

in this installment, james expands your freaking mine.

The following is an essay I wrote for my friend Deborah, who is currently struggling with her studies in Oxford. I'm sure it got her a high grade.

HAVELOK THE DANE

Havelok the Dane was a real butt.

Not only does his name sound like a character from the animated film version of Anastasia, but that FILM was a cheap rip-off of Disney!

Irregardless of his name, he did crappy things all the time irregardless of his name.

This one time, he was kissing a girl that was a nice girl, but she said no after a while. But he was all hands even though he went to church because that's what everyone did back then.

And another thing, he carried a sword, even though it was illegal without a permit. His mother thought this was a bad idea, but his father didn't enforce the rules because he was French and a drunkyard. So needless to say he didn't have positive reinforcements from his parental figures and he did drugs and killed people with that same sword that wasn't permitted.

After a time, he came to be known as the Great Dane, which wasn't a good thing, because they were mocking him for never doing anything great. So he decided to do great things, but it took a while, because even though he was determined he wasn't very smart.

Eventually he decided to kill the king and prove to everyone that he was great for real.

His great plan was to have a girl stitch him a dog suit and he'd trot up to the king because the king liked dogs and then kill the king when the king tried to pet him.

He couldn't find a girl to make him the dog suit because word had gotten around about his groping. So he made it himself because, like I said, he was determined. And it wasn't a very good dog suit as far as dog suits go. Even for back then when everyone had no style or good sense because they were less evolved then in modern times.

Anyway, his god suit was so bad that when he went to the castle, one guard thought he was drunk, another thought he was crazy, and another thought he was dreaming, and another one thought what he was seeing was really an assassin in a dog suit rather than a real dog, but no one listened to him because he was bookish and wore glasses.

So he made it up to the king and the king said "my what an awkwardly silly and delightful dog" which is a direct quote even though it's weird because people talked like that back then without getting beat up by bullies.

And as legend has it correctly, this dude totally poked his sword out of the dog suit and killed the king forever cementing the Trojan Dog into the collective consciousness and much to the bane of students that hate history and have to remember all these terms and dates.

Over the years, someone changed things into an urban legend about how the actual dog called a Great Dane can use a sword, but that's not a true urban legend anymore.

In conclusion, Havelok the Dane married the queen but didn't become the king because he forgot to sign the marriage certificate. Which was fine with him because he just wanted to play "stones" which is like a video game but with rocks.

He wasn't very determined anymore now that he'd killed the king, so that's about the last interesting thing he did.

Intro

Great Quotes

"I was having sex with my wife and I saw her look into a mirror and I asked her if she was looking at my naked body and she said no, that she was looking at her own naked body, and I told her she was a lesbian and she talked back to me. Then later she walked into a door and got that black eye." - Mark Driscoll

"If you wake up in the middle of the night and climb out of your tent and see two glowing red eyes about the size of baseballs and hear a deep, gutteral rumble as if hell itself is peering at you from the trees ... don't worry about it and just go back to sleep." - Larry Dawson, former Park Ranger

"If we had better health care they could have scraped my brother's brains off the trunk of that car and saved his life." - Ted Kennedy

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to cheat and he'll steal that fish, crack the dude over the head with a rock, and sleep with his wife." - The Apostle Paul

"Kingdoms will be conquered, bricks will be shit." - George W. Bush

"Sometimes, when I'm alone, I tune up "Butterfly Kisses" on Pure Country 91.3 and just let myself cry." - Barack Obama

"Women are like horses, they work better with a broken spirit." - Rick Warren

"Where are my pants? They were on when I left the house this morning." - Jimmy Bussington