Monday, November 21, 2005

Contrails: Our Banner Is Better Than Yours

Anyone notice our smoking hot new banner? We're excruciatingly excited about this recent development, and would like to express our endless appreciation to the considerable talents of Matthew Parker, who designed both the banner and our logo. Mr. Parker will unfortunately learn the hard way that you can dress us up, but you sure as hell can't take us out.

MTV begs the question, "what could the next three [Harry Potter] films in the series look like if, say, someone like David Cronenberg or Quentin Tarantino were heading them up?" In lieu of answering that already ridiculous question, they pick the brains of Chris Stokes (You Got Served), Sam Mendes (Jarhead), and Josh Stolberg (Kids In America). Oh, and Gregg Araki (don't even get us started).

After a failed attempt to reason with his teacher on the shoddy ethics of animal dissection, Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero struck a deal granting him course credit, but requiring him to wed his senior biology project. Now he's walkin' all fancy, showing up at pop star Omarion's 21st birthday celebration and making a big show of his unwillingness to go on record about the C-list clown car where he tenderly shared an inebriated fender bender with no less than Paris Hilton. As if anyone was asking.

Proving the desperate need for tough legislation on torture, Star Magazine's ruthless interrogators squeeze testimony from an unnamed source that Stavros Niarchos III dumped Paris Hilton on November 13th because she's too wild and out of control. Star maintains that no unethical or unlawful means were used to obtain this information, yet they also claim that the source volutarily revealed that Stavros told Paris, "'I need time to reflect. I should have been home today studying."

Radar reports that over 120 crew members have already abandoned the shoot for Michael Mann's big screen treatment of back-in-vogue TV series Miami Vice. "And it’s not just the key grips," says Radar. No, they actually said that. I'm serious. Moreover, I never trifle with grips. And you shouldn't either.

I know it's been kind of quiet on the Jessica Simpson front lately, so here's a rekindled story about what's-his-names improprieties at a bachelor party sex show with porn star Jessica Jaymes. She and three porno-hangers-on are asking $1 Million for the exclusive rights to their steamy story. Generally speaking, when the public fails to believe one uncompensated adult entertainer's story, it's a sign that an extortion campaign by four adult entertainers should be smooth sailing.