How to Mourn a Breakup to Move Past Grief and Withdrawal

A relationship can be a living, breathing entity that you and your partner co-create. A relationship can also be a literal chemical addiction. So, a breakup joins two of life’s most challenging experiences: paralyzing grief and the overwhelming physical and emotional withdrawal from an addiction.

When a breakup happens, it can feel like an opaque curtain has descended around you, separating you from the rest of the world. You move around as if in a bubble. Even the most familiar things—scenery near where you live, the voices of people you know—seem alien and far away. Even the brains of peoplegrieving the end of a relationship look like the brains of people experiencing a death.

Outside your bubble, the world continues without you, while everything inside feels deadened, empty, even hopeless. You feel isolated, alone. You may feel directionless, as if you can’t see your way through this darkness to any possibilities beyond this bubble that now separates you from the world.

However, unlike an actual death, a respite from your grief may be only a phone call away. After a breakup, your ex is still walking around in the world. You want to stop the pain, it may even feel like you have to, and all the reasons you know you're better off without your ex take a back seat to the need to stop these symptoms of withdrawal even if only for a little while. You can sit on your hands to keep yourself from calling or texting, but your withdrawal symptoms can feel so relentless that you just have to give in.

Maybe you believe you’ll stop after just one more time. You know you should and you know you’re supposed to. But while in a moment of clarity you recognize this loss may be the best thing for you, it's making your life miserable. But still it's a loss and you feel scared, overwhelmed, and alone in your grief.

One call, text, or a glimpse can give you that fix you’re jonesing for, but when the high of that brief, real or imagined re-connection wears off, the curtain drops again and your isolation can be even darker this time. Giving into the compulsion to feed your addiction can initiate a cycle of shame—a hole into which it's much easier to fall back than it is to climb out.

To break this cycle, first and foremost work on forgiving yourself for what feels like weakness! The physical and emotional symptoms of grief after breakup can be so extreme that your body and psyche overpower your rational brain to create a way of functioning that feels necessary for survival, even though it might be self-destructive (see my previous post on the self-preservational roots of dysfunctional behaviors). And piling on more shame because you have given in to your addiction only makes a complicated situation even more challenging to get through.

When I work with people who are surviving a breakup, I encourage them to feel and appreciate the magnitude of the loss, to mourn it, but also to remember what unfolded to get them into to this painful place of paralyzing loss. The goal is to combat the paralysis brought on by the breakup by learning to power through the acute symptoms of withdrawal: the cold sweats, writhing emotional and even physical pain, the obsessive thoughts, the full fledged depressive episode that may accompany the loss, and the resulting compulsive desire to see, hear, talk to, know what your ex is doing. Giving in to these desires does temporarily alleviate the symptoms, but in turn, it perpetuates the addiction and sets you back. Whether you can resist temptation or not, let yourself tolerate and breathe through the paralyzing fear that this relationship has ruined you, you will be alone forever and/or you won’t ever love or be loved again.

Take it one minute or even one second at a time. It’s okay to stay in bed and eat a lot of ice cream. If you are able to eat, eat food that comforts you. It’s okay to cry while watching movies about other people's near perfect but fictitious relationships. It’s okay to have your friends and family babysit you. It’s okay to feel utterly incapacitated. It’s okay to take a few days off from work (if you can). It's ok to lie there and stare at the ceiling while time ticks by painfully slowly. It’s a colossal loss and must be understood as such. Your whole life has just changed.

Maybe you can’t imagine the possibility of ever being ready to reenter the world, ex-free. But trust that the possibility is within you. Instead of searching for answers to why or how this happened (your need to have your questions answered by your ex can be far more insatiable that the information that is actually available to you), and therefore, work on letting go of understanding "why." Instead, work on feeling your way through your pain, one breath at a time, one second at a time during this period of directionless withdrawal.

When the fog starts to clear—and it will if you allow yourself to fully experience it—you can begin the work of understanding your experience from a healthier perspective. Sometimes I remind my patients of that old cliché that “The only things in life that are inevitable are death and taxes,” but, um, these days taxes aren’t even inevitable. So that means the only inevitability is death. As much as it feels like it, a breakup isn’t death. Rather, anything besides actual death is a kind of continuation—as long as you’re breathing, you can’t help but be a perpetual work in progress. You’re still here in the world. You’re still breathing, thinking, contemplating, and grieving. Therefore you are still moving.

Working through the reality of this loss means entering into the deeply uncomfortable experience of withdrawal. Mourning the loss of this entity that you helped to create is also the beginning of letting go, not because you want to, but because you have to. It will start to feel lighter, less scary, and the withdrawal ultimately subsides.

Eventually by allowing yourself to be in this difficult process rather than postpone it, you will begin to see the difference between a breakup and a death. A death is final. After a breakup, if you can stumble through withdrawal with one foot in front of the other, understanding that you are still in the world, and allowing yourself to mourn through the loss, you can eventually return to yourself without addiction—maybe even a wiser, deeper, stronger and more resilient version of yourself. If you choose, this process will allow you to make room to co-create a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship in the future, even if you can’t believe that just yet. And most importantly, by allowing yourself to truly mourn the end of a relationship, you can move forward into what could be much less encumbered by what has been.

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This post is the fifth of a six-part series on relationship insecurity. The previous posts explored accusations as a dangerous tool to invigorate a relationship, sex as a tool to ensnare an emotionally distant partner, how to find self-esteem after using sex as a tool in this way, and the expectations for sadness that can protect you from emotional devastation but leave you unlikely to find love. I need ideas for the sixth and final post in this series! If you want to know more about an issue related to relationships, sex and insecurity, let me know in the comments on this post. Or get in touch via the social media links below.

Just wanted to tell you how touched I was by your your beautifully written, heartfelt, and realiy amazing description of what it's like to go through the grief and loss of a broken relationship in which one is intensely attached . I think that no one who has not been through it, quite gets the addictive nature of these things, ( and I don't mean that pejoratively at all) and how it is very much a chemical as well as a dynamic thing. I so appreciate the way you wrote this and the empathy with which you verbalized what is such a common dilemma and terribly painful experience that I don't think really is appreciated. I'm sure it will help people to feel less alone with it, as well as to feel they're not "crazy" or "borderline." I also think that this can go on and on for many years, and that one has to learn to live with the "craving" and longings that come up for the rest of one's life - especially when the broken relationship has been a long one... Anyway, congrats on your blog adventure. I look forward to reading more, and wish you the best.

I wish I could say your article helped. Yes it confirms everything I'm going through. I was engaged to a man for 3 years and he left me for a woman at our church. I still see him 3x a week. I've tried to attend a different church but all my support is at my church. Seeing the two of them together is like a knife to my heart. This has destroyed me. I have lost relationships with my children and my job because I just can't function. I have no insurance to try and get counseling. I just don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for this article - it's probably the best-written one I have seen on the subject. I'm going through this exact thing right now, and every emotion, thought, and action I experience is described by you perfectly. It makes me realize that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just gotta push through all of the pain, anger, and frustration, and it'll be better in the end because I have. Thank you again.

I'm bipolar and have been going through this exact same feeling for two months and it won't stop. I'm in intensive outpatient group therapy, I'm working through the codependent no more book, I try doing all the things i think I need to do to get over it and I still feel like it happened yesterday. I've only spoken to my ex a few times and we've spent one weekend together since but never actually had an official breakup. It's more that I checked myself into the hospital in March and we just didn't talk for a few weeks, then he'd call and hint that he wanted to be alone so I figured we're done and it's just been non stop misery for me. I'm also dealing with my 15 year old daughter moving out last October to live with her dad because he has money and buys her everything and I'm totally alone now and I've lost the two people I loved the m most and I don't know how to get past it.
I'm not able to sustain positive thinking or any other zen type things when I mentally and physically feel horrible.

I'm on medication for bipolar and depression but this is the worst depression I've felt in my life.

People keep telling me to "put yourself out there and meet new people, etc" but I'm 42, on disability and don't have any female friends at all. My one friend I spend time with is a guy and he's an alcoholic with issues of his own and neither off its have money to go places.

It's been like a living nightmare that's gone on for eight months now and I can't take it much longer. It's horrible. I don't know what else to do.

I had a long term friendship that fell apart and albeit it was the healthy thing to do and it involved boundaries and counseling on my part, it still hurt and I was having such a hard time understanding the need to reconnect because the relationship was not healthy. My counselor did tell me it was an addiction but in my misery I just didn't ask enough questions to make sense of it. I nos understand it's a chemical addiction and felt very empowered and gained healing from reading your article. Thank you for explaining that so well! I've successfully said goodbye to other unhealthy habits and in my mind if I can say no to unhealthy foods or habits I sure can say no to a different kind of "need" and have already found a healthier way to connect with healthier functional humans. The article left me hopeful that this "need" to connect will go away over time and when it comes up, I'll gently remind myself it's just a "want" and not truly a need:). Spirit is ever present and so wonderful. The only love we really need is self love. Thanks for sharing your words.

I fell for a woman(my age)recently who had called me for some help. She had been in a very dysfunctional relationship; trying and trying and trying to make it work for some 20+ years. In the end, after getting some insight into the fact that she's been dealing with a disorder - his delusional megalomania and his failures to provide, she had the courage to leave. Prior to leaving, we had been talking every Friday night for years, me encouraging her that she wasn't nuts so we built some trust there. In leaving, we met and fell in love. Yikes!

Trouble is, I'm married. I had some of my own healing work to do in the past and was able to do it, thankfully, and landed in a place of perfect peace. I feel utterly inner core connected. When that (my healing) happened, I turned to my wife and said I'd make it safe for her to heal too, and she did. But now this falling for another woman thing has happened and I'm in withdrawal. The truth is, I built love over the years for my wife. I fell in love for this other woman. There's a difference. The affair stayed in the realm of the emotions for a few months but we've ended it now. She's joined a dating site and, oh boy, I've been going through it. I've been through a lot with my wife when it comes to healing but I'd rather be going through a lot with the other woman. I've tasted true love in the past and gave it up to heal. Now I'm healed and have had a taste of it again. And I don't know how to tell my wife that I love her but have never been in love with her. Fun huh?

my first gf and I met in university. we hit it off and started dating. we seemed really compatible and I fell in love. I was 25 and she was 24. I really loved her and thought she could be my wife. when we started dating, she told me her last serious relationship was 2 years ago. after dating about 4 months, we officially became a couple. then about 6 months after we first met. she told me out of the blue that 4 weeks before she met me, she broke up with her ex bf of 3 years. and that she needed space of course. I felt betrayed and felt so angry becos I felt I was tricked into investing emotionally in her. to cut a long story short, things went rapidly downhill and she broke up with me soon after. I was completely heart broken. i was numb for 2 days and then the pain really struck. i went completely no contact to heal. there was an intense ache in my chest and i was just so sad . i had classes to attend and i could barely cope. i was not until stopped trying to control my feelings and just wept that i felt better. i literally scheduled a few hours a day to weep and scream and then i would occupy myself studying exercise. after a few months, the sadness began to lift. i had a lot of anger which i vented by hiding in my car and punching the seats. about 5 months after my ex broke up with me , our mutual friends spoke to me saying she wanted me to know she was sorry that she lied only to tell the truth later and that she was could have handled everything better yada yada yada. i was so tempted to ask my ex gf " why tell the truth later if you were sure of your feelings for me?" but i decided forget it my ex does not even have the courage to speak to me in person. so i told our mutual friends not to relay any messages for my ex anymore. 8 months later , i started dating again and then my ex gf started to message and e mailing me. i just deleted them without reading them. finally she called my home. she asked for a face to face talk to which i answered there is nothing for us to talk about. she then said she deserved a face to face talk as she was only being " honest " about her feelings etc. i told her lying to someone and then telling the truth later is not being honest , it is called being selfish and irresponsible and manipulative. my ex gf then started to start nasty rumours about me, that i was ruthless player , promiscuous etc etc. that made even more sure that i made the right decision not to give her 2nd chance. i meet my next gf and future wife 1 year after breaking up .

Wow, I honestly (and I mean that!) thought I was the only person alive who could have felt so desperatly empty, and that nobody could ever have felt this way before. I'm so pleased that I came across this article. It makes me feel better to know I'm not crazy, that I'm not losing it, and that what I'm feeling is 'normal'. Thank you :)

My ex emotional lover felt just like you. Your name wouldn't be Mary, would it? Ha! She got some professional help which named her husband's megalomaniacal disorder and has been moving on to into some of the new vistas of life. Financial and isolation issues have been kicking in but, to her credit, she's been working on them - said that she had to do what she had to do - get a job, meet new people, join a fellowship (in her case a church) etc. And she's gone back to school, is a straight A student, and is dating again.

She was ostracized and isolated from her children and family connections because her hubby had made her out to be the dirty one and they bought it, but again, she's not crazy, isn't losing it, and is feeling normal again, probably for the first time in her life.

Me? I've reached the acceptance part of my grief. I can't have her so I'm moving on to new vistas too. It hasn't been easy but I'm there now. I didn't go through any 'poor me' condemnation, beat myself up, self flagellation issues. I've been there before and have learned not to go there any more. My grief was for the loss of what could have been - the two of us travelling gracefully into old age together, living till death do us part. We truly did have a feel good about each other connection.

What has amazed me in all of this, is it brought to attention what was missing in my marriage. Why was I looking outside of it? Well, I had made it safe (until Mary and I got into it) for years for my wife to heal from the things in her life and she had in so many ways but was still watching the train of life go by. "What is it about you that you won't jump on? Why won't you thrive?"

The affair shook her up enough to examine that and, wow, she did. She started coming out with profound statements of self. "What I do now, I'll be doing for me, not for you (although I know she'll be doing healthy things for me too!). You're right! I did have a failure to thrive!" I could see a micro moment of true grief over pass over her - true grief over the lost time. "I'm a new me and I'm not used to feeling like this" she said, "and I like it!"

"Good!" I said. She'll be she and I'll be me, and together now, we can be we. Mary is toast! Hee! Hee!

You are not alone! I am going through the same thing right now, trying to survive this horrible pain. After 4 years of being with him and all the fun and love we had, I don't understand how he can just end this and blame me for not supporting him and being critical! Sure I wasn't perfect but I would work on it now that I know how he feels! He is not interested though and told me that "it is too late'. But, I am trying my best to move on, I think I have a very long road ahead

I absolutely loved this article, especially the part about being stuck in a bubble and the world continues outside of your bubble, ive been trying to explain that to people. And it literally does feel like a loss, almost worse because he is still on this earth, but he doesn't want me. Its so good to know that I am not alone and life will go on.
My ex and I dated for nearly four years,we met at 17, he was my first love and I was his. It's tough because it was a good, healthy relationship, I don't have any stories about how he was a horrible person, he was a great guy. He broke up with me about a month ago, but honestly I feel like I am in a worse place now, probably because I am dealing with the fact that he is really gone and not coming back. I have never felt so alone. When he broke up with me he told me that his heart isn't in it anymore and he still loves me but said we need to both move on and find new people. I felt like someone punched the life out of me (and still do). Then it got worse, he told me how I wasn't supportive enough and was too critical and it upset him and all this stuff and I felt SO bad because I know I wasn't perfect but I didn't realize that I made him feel like that! I really loved him SO much and would have done ANYTHING for him, so to find out that I wasn't making him was really difficult to grasp, especially since he didn't want to work things out. I feel a LOT of guilt and regret, even though he wasn't perfect either and didn't communicate these things to me until the end. I feel very alone and rejected, I wish he wanted to work this out because we used to be SO happy, we had the best times. I really hope I get through this, each day is like torture.

Thank you for this lovely article. I have been googling 'Complicated Grief' but I didn't lose a loved one to death, but had a breakup.
We broke up some years ago and got back, and then we broke up again. I thought the second time around, I'd recover faster and so I didn't mourn any loss. Instead I numbed it out, I just was angry and thought I could shrug it off...But my emotions caught up with me months later. Feelings of total numbness, and then periods of incessant tears, It left my incredibly confused and frustrated. I have been in this mess for 5 years.

I have no clue what it means to let go. I am writing my thoughts down, I am trying everything but I have been so annoyed with myself for having such colossal relapses, that I give up easy. When I discuss with friends, they tell me I shall value myself more. But as much as I like to think of it as right or wrong, I see things now clearer than before, I am not angry ...in fact I have forgiven everything my past love has done, but the only thing missing is forgiving myself. I feel like i lost so much time that it drives me mad, I feel like I'll never love again..I feel like my inability to recover from a loss, so many go through, says something more about me, which isn't quite right...

So your article ...hit me at different notes...and I am hoping to learn from it in the coming weeks.

Thank you! how do you know if you're moving forward? are a couple of months of bad sleeping a synonym of depression? I can't seem to focus and I also don't know if I am actually moving through my pain or just feeling hopeless.

I am Cathrine walters i lives in United states and i was in a serious relationship with my Ex for 3 good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to THE HIGH PRIEST Otigbolor and i contacted him on highpriestotigbolor66@gmail.com, at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement information of me and my Ex,so i did what i was ask to do, after 24Hours after the spell was cast i was in my office when my Ex called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Anita)...i wish you the best of luck... friends you can contact HIGH PRIEST Otigbolor on his email, highpriestotigbolor66@gmail.com. I know you will Thank me later.

Aderson is my name, i am just so happy and don't know What more i can say on this life? how will i thank high priest Otigbolor enough for the good job which he just did for me.i have been searching for long a real spell caster, for me to get who will help me get back my wife back but i have been scammed so many times by a lot of people who claim they are spell casters and are not, so i was tired of searching then one morning i visited a neighbor and she introduced me to this man high priest otigbolor and i contacted him and he made a spell for me in the night and after the spell he told me what to do and i did it and immediately the thing was done, he gave me assurance that my wife will start looking for me and pleading for me to accept her back and what make me to be amazed is that he said just 2 days after the spell is done is when she will come and as i am talking to you people now my wife came back to me exactly the 2nd day as he said and now i and my family are living very happily. HIGH PRIEST Otigbolor IS REAL!!!! you can contact high priest otigbolor through this email, highpriestotigbolor66@gmail.com.

Thank you for this article. I read alot. I work as a therapist. I help others and this most recent break up after 3 years of on again, off again has confounded me and left me feeling like it would ruin me. You described the symptoms of the withdrawal so succinctly, and exactly as I experience it. I take inner process work seriously because the only thing worse than experiencing this grief is to not learn something about the my seeming inability to protect myself from it by staying out the first time. Thanks.

I have all the symptoms . Its only been 2 weeks since I did the break up...I gave in today....but no response ...Sort of glad and ashamed.Then I found your article.. It helps me a great deal..I feel so sad and miss him so much..But thank you for the information I needed a wake up call.