Nashville star Charles Esten has raised $500,000 (£312,500) for a children's cancer charity after taking part in a celebrity edition of U.S. game show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The actor, also known as Chip Esten, joined host Cedric the Entertainer to try his hand at winning the big bucks on Wednesday's (04Jun14) episode of the show and, after returning to complete his game on Thursday (05Jun14), he made it all the way to the $500,000 mark.
He donated the funds to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and explained the cause was close to his heart as his youngest daughter, Addie, had been diagnosed with lymphoblastic leukemia at the age of two. She underwent years of intensive treatment as a kid and the now-14 year old is in remission.
Her health crisis has since inspired her family to become active supporters of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, which aims to educate people about the disease and aid research into finding a cure.
Esten tells People.com, "My heart breaks for those families that lost their child. We always loved our children - they were everything to us. But after all this, you understand the tenuousness of life. We're so blessed that Addie survived."
During his appearance on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Esten, who portrays musician Deacon Claybourne on country music TV drama Nashville, surprised Cedric the Entertainer by gifting him with an autographed guitar.
He told the presenter, "I heard rumours you were a fan of the show so I brought you a signed guitar and I want you to have it."
The instrument was signed by Esten and a few of his co-stars, including Connie Britton and Maisy Stella.

Millennium Entertainment via Everett Collection
There are some days when all you need a movie to be is light and cheerful, but then there are others when all you want to do is wallow in sadness for a little while and have a good cry. For times like those, you need a film that will rip your heart out. Our Netflix Hand-Picked Flix recommendation for this week's Bluesday Tuesday pick, What Maisie Knew, will do just that, and then probably stomp on it a few times for good measure.
The film chronicles the bitter and toxic custody battle between Susanna (Julianne Moore) and Beale (Steve Coogan), told from the perspective of their observant their 7 year-old daughter Maisie (Onata Aprile), who is starting to understand how selfish and immature her parents can be. Luckily, she has some support from her step-parents, her former live-in nanny Margo (Joanna Vanderham) and bartender Lincoln (Alexander Skarsgard), who are just as much a pawn in this game as Maisie is. The film is an unflinchingly depressing look at the toll that such a dysfunctional relationship can have on a child, who the parents begin to treat more like a bargaining chip than an actual human being. The film also features a wonderfully harsh performance from Moore as the self-obsessed, slightly delusional mother.
However, What Maisie Knew is anchored by Aprile, whose Maisie doesn’t throw tantrums like her parents, but is instead quietly heartbreaking as she begins to process where she stands in her parents’ priorities. The ending is somewhat divisive, but whether you love it or hate it, the film will leave you completely devastated – which, sometimes, is exactly what you need.
What Maise Knew is available to stream instantly on Netflix.
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USA
The episode opened up with Peter Burke (Tim DeKay) meeting Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer) outside a dry cleaner, with the FBI agent holding a freshly-pressed suit. He was having dinner later with his wife Elizabeth (Tiffani Thiessen) to celebrate the anniversary of their first meeting. He mentioned that he remembered all anniversaries, including the day that he first arrested Caffrey. He then showed him the FBI pen that he'd found in the last episode. Caffrey played dumb. What, you thought he was going to blanch and say, "Oh man, you caught us"? Burke dismissed him so that he could get ready for his date with Elizabeth.
Later on, the Burkes were eating dinner at a restaurant. Suddenly, the waiter came up with three drinks. Puzzled, Burke said that he didn't order them. The waiter pointed to a woman sitting at the bar. It turned out to be Jill from Peter's days at Quantico. She was also his ex. Awkward. Jill came over and sat down, though she did immediately realize that Peter and Elizabeth were on a date. They insisted that she sit with them. Jill told them that she was in town on a case. They then drank the bourbons Jill had sent over, though Peter knew he was in trouble by Elizabeth's immediately sipping wine afterwards.
Rebecca, the unemployed museum curator, went to Caffrey's place. He gave her wine and showed her the sole chapter of the Mosconi book he had pilfered. They were puzzling it out and he thought to put the pages, which contained a lot of illustrations, like puzzle pieces. They were flirting with each other the whole time. Finally, it turned out to look like a stained glass window. Flushed with excitement, she kissed him. Of course, enter Mozzie (Willie Garson), in the role of the FBI agent to interrupt the kiss. She left and Mozzie expressed that he thought Caffrey was getting too emotionally involved.
At home, Burke was at explaining himself to his wife. When Jill was at Quantico, she pushed him hard, but he said overall, Elizabeth was the one one who really got him through the past year, which mollified her. She reminded him that it was still their anniversary. Bow-chicka-wow-wow.
The next day, Burke and Caffrey were talking at the office. It turned out an FBI badge had flashed somewhere and it could have been the late Agent Siegel's. Jill then walked into the FBI office and headed toward's Burke's office, which made him get nervous and try to usher Caffrey out before she came in, telling him that she was no one important. While Jill and Burke talked in his glass-paneled office, Agent Clinton Jones and Caffrey were trying to look like they were working, but were actually watching the conversation. They immediately sussed out that she was Burke’s ex. Inside the office, Jill explained that she was looking for a guy who had made a chip for a defense contractor and was then going to sell it on the black market. She had set up a sting and she needed Burke to come in, since he apparently was the only agent in NY she trusted. On the way out, she muttered, "This is going to be fun." Caffrey and Jones couldn't get enough of watching Burke practically flop sweat in his office.
Later on, Burke and Caffrey were talking on the street, with Burke still swearing that Jill meant nothing, though he was going to tell Elizabeth about the going undercover later at night. Still dubious, Caffrey changed the subject and said that he needed a new wardrobe to get the people who were using Siegel's badge. That meant the keys to the nice car. Later, Burke was at home and was about to tell Elizabeth the situation when, but of course, Jill just dropped by unannounced, saying that she had to do the recon right then and there. She dragged him off and hit Elizabeth with a "It's classified" when asked what was going on. This raised the hackles of Elizabeth, who usually talked about all aspects of cases with Burke. Burke had to back up his partner, though he looked clearly uncomfortable. Nice. Nothing that would set up any suspicions, right?
Burke and Jill were sitting in a car on stakeout and she told him that he didn't need to put on a strong front - she knew he was still hurting from losing Siegel. After a brief interlude of Jones and Caffrey driving in a car making Cagney and Lacey jokes, she told about her experience of losing an agent and then held his hand to comfort him. Mercifully the seller showed up and the two agents went to the hotel that the seller was staying in.
Jones and Caffrey were in their car, acting as bait in the area where the badge had last been used. Soon a guy rapped the door, flashing a badge and saying that he had to commandeer the car to pursue a criminal. Yeah, right. Caffrey and Jones got out and put him under arrest. They looked at the badge. Yep. It was Siegel's, which made Jones clench his jaw quite tightly to keep from capping the guy right then and there.
In the hotel, Jill and Burke went to the seller's room and managed to plant a gun under a sofa cushion and got out before he saw them. Outside they saw two guys go in ... people they had seen before. This meant there may also be a third interested party in getting to this fellow and his chip. Quickly, Jill took a picture of Burke and herself with her phone to sell that they were a couple and get the guys on film.
Burke and Jones were interrogating the guy with Siegel's badge. He swore he didn't kill the agent and said that he was in a liquor store, waiting to rob it and said that he would be seen on footage. Burke was mad and seemed to not be placated by Caffrey's kind words afterwards. He went to the office and looked out the window after putting Siegel's bag in evidence. Caffrey saw this and knew that he couldn't do anything to help.
Elizabeth was waiting up for Burke when he got home. She wanted to talk to him about the case, but he stuck to it being classified, which ran counter to nearly every other conversation they had had over the past four seasons. She was mad, but said that she understood. Right. Burke tried to snuggle with her, but she was clearly peeved.
The next morning, Jill and Burke were at the FBI office, where they got information on the two guys that they had seen earlier. They figured that the two men wanted to steal the chip. Elizabeth strolled in to give Burke his lunch, which he had forgotten. She started to talk to Caffrey, who was waiting at his desk, having also been cut out of the loop by Jill and Burke. The topic turned to Jill, who Elizabeth saw as being lonely. Inside the conference room, Burke was bringing Jones into the case, something the lone wolf Jill didn't want, but Burke threw his weight around as ASAC, which made her back off. Elizabeth went upstairs and into Burke's own office and of course, this classified file was just sitting out there in the open for her to see, including the posed picture. It was like White Collar meets Three's Company. It's all a misunderstanding, Janet! She stormed out of the office before Burke could talk to her.
Later on, Burke and Caffrey were talking outside about the Elizabeth/Jill situation. Caffrey was trying to explain that Burke should know that marriage can trump classification sometimes, especially here. Burke said that he could talk to Jill about the stress of losing Siegel, she had been through something similar. He also said he didn't want to worry Elizabeth any more than she already had been, what with him being shot before and then arrested. Burke's cell phone rang and he had to run off to the meet.
Elizabeth first wanted Mozzie to follow Burke, but he said for her to follow Jill.
Outside, Burke and Jill were doing a stakeout. The two mercenaries were going into a restaurant, so they decided to go to the hotel. In the surveillance van, Jones wanted to do a walkthrough of the restaurant, since he realized there were no eyes in the back. Jill didn't want him to and told Burke to tell him to stand down. Jones sussed it from Burke's response and decided to go anyways.
After talking to Mozzie, Elizabeth wanted Caffrey to case Jill's hotel, which Caffrey did, if only to keep Elizabeth from charging over half-cocked. They saw Burke and Jill going inside the hotel and Caffrey tried to assure her that it wasn't what it looked like. She snapped that it better not be and they got out of the car to go into the hotel. Remember the TV show Cheaters? At this point, the cameras would have been hustling in behind Caffrey and Elizabeth as they walked towards the hotel, all shakey-cam to show the anger and urgency.
After Caffrey and Elizabeth went into the lobby, with Caffrey going to look for a room number for Burke and Jill. Outside, Jones did a walkthrough at the restaurant and realized that it was an ambush at the hotel and tried to call Burke. In true television plot fashion, just as the phone rang, Jill took it from Burke, saying that protocol called for radio silence. D'oh. The two agents made their way to the seller's room.
While waiting in the hotel bar for Caffrey to return, Elizabeth saw the seller sitting at a stool. She tried to stall him from going upstairs by flirting with him and got him to put his number in her phone. While the seller was doing that, he also slid something in the phone's case. When he finished and left, Caffrey walked by the seller only to to see him get led off to the elevators with a gun in his side. Elizabeth and Caffrey followed and determined the floor from the lobby elevator readings. She updated Caffrey what had happened in the bar, including getting his number. Caffrey took the phone and he found what the seller had put in the phone's case - the chip.
Upstairs, Jill and Burke went to the seller's room. While they were outside the door, the two mercenaries and the seller came into the hallway, saw Burke and Jill and pulled guns. After first trying to bluff the mercenaries that they were honeymooners, the bad guys forced her to open the bag to show the money. Soon they were tied up in the seller's room with the mercenaries interrogating them. The seller blurted that he gave the chip to "a woman downstairs." Trying to buy time, Burke interjected that he was a buyer too.
Caffrey and Ellizabeth made their way to the seller's room door. Elizabeth was desperate to get into the room. Caffrey got her in with a modified hotel room card - after making her swear that she never saw the item. Elizabeth burst into the room and was immediately facing a consternated husband and two guns trained on her. Yikes.
After the commercial break, Elizabeth said that she had the chip and showed the phone to the mercenaries, holding it for a few seconds, allowing Caffrey to sneak in through the back door. What then was not exactly the best coordinated or believable rescue that I have ever seen. In sequence, Elizabeth threw the phone towards the mercenaries, putting them off-balance. Caffrey slid behind a sofa to where Burke was and with one smooth motion, managed to slice the rope around the FBI agent's wrists without, you know, severing any arteries. Burke then reached under the sofa to get the gun they had so conveniently left before and shot one mercenary in the arm while Jill, still tied up, was able to stand up and while turning her upper body, smash the other mercenary with her chair. Jones and other FBI agents then flooded in. WWE matches have looked more realistic.
The aftermath saw Burke talking with the departing Jill, who told him to not be afraid to talk to Elizabeth about everything he was feeling. Which he did, that evening, finally opening up to her about the pain and guilt that he felt about Siegel's death. Elsewhere, Caffrey led Rebecca to the stained glass window from the Mosconi illustration and then laid a huge kiss on her, which she gladly reciprocated
Of course, the episode couldn't end on a good note. The next morning, Burke was in his office looking at Siegel's shield case. In the inside compartment, he found a business card that had 'Cooper's?' written in Siegel's handwriting on the back. He narrowed his eyes at that and then looked briefly at the camera. Dun-dun-dun! We'll have to find out what that meant next episode.
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You'd better sit down for this one.
You're speeding along through Netflix's newest original series Orange Is the New Black. You're really investing in the ups and downs of anti-heroine Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), a white collar criminal adjusting to life in a New York prison. By now, despite all her flaws, you've come to love Piper. You wonder if she'll turn it all around and abandon her proclivity for bad choices. You wonder if she'll earn the trust and friendship of her fellow inmates, many of whom have not taken kindly to her uppity sensibilities. But you also wonder, on the other hand, if the prison will take her down, bury her beneath the dark rubble that exists within her. Well, wonder no further; it doesn't matter. Because she doesn't exist.
If you've made it to the 11th episode of Orange Is the New Black, you might have taken note of a gift bequeathed upon a group of downtrodden inmates by one Poussey Washington (Samira Wiley): a bag of Let's Potato Chips. An innocuous sight to many. But to Community fans, the Let's brand will jog a few memories.
Memories of Leonard "The Human Raisin" Rodriguez (Richard Erdman) proclaiming his delight with the snack food on his YouTube channel. Of Dean Craig Pelton (Jim Rash) paying an unannounced visit to students Troy Barnes (Donald Glover) and Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), munchies in tow. Of Troy and girlfriend Britta Perry (Gillian Jacobs) squabbling over the quality of the product... although that was a Season 4 episode, so we don't have to talk about it. Yes, while Let's may not be a real potato chip syndicate, it exists with quite a fervor in the Community universe. And, apparently, in the Orange Is the New Black universe. Which means, quite inarguably, that these two shows exist in the same universe.
And, of course, it doesn't stop there. Not even close.
If you're an Orange Is the New Black watcher, then we must assume you are a subscriber to Netflix. And if you are a living human, then we must assume that you're a fan of Arrested Development. In said case, you might have caught a glimpse of GOB munching a few Let's Potato Chips while chumming around with his newly acquired entourage. Does this mean there are three shows that fall into the mix? Hell no. It means there are about a thousand.
Back in the days of Arrested yore, fans were treated to a scrapbooking seminar taught by undercover detective John Munch — Richard Belzer's character in the Law &amp; Order franchise. Belzer, as Munch, had a series of other one-off cameos (The X-Files, The Wire, Sesame Street, 30 Rock) and appeared on Homicide: Life on the Street... a show linked by the Alfre Woodard character Roxanne Turner to none other than St. Elsewhere. St. Elsewhere famously concluded by revealing (spoilers!) that the entire six-season reality existed inside the mind of an autistic child named Tommy Westphall. And with this reveal, it would be only logical to conclude that Homicide (due to the Turner connection) was also concocted by young Tommy. As well as every show linked to that one by John Munch... and every show linked to every one of those shows. It gets pretty extensive.
This is old news, of course. Many have spent years calculating the mass of victims of Tommy Westphall's insatiable imagination. And now, we can welcome Orange Is the New Black into this community. Also Community.
So next time you're watching Litchfield's psychotic world unravel around the hapless (or nefarious?) Piper Chapman, fearing you might no longer be able to bear the treacherous events crafted by Weeds creator Jenji Kohan, take relief in the simple fact that it's all just the daydreams of some kid staring into space in 1988.
But take heed: the Tommy Westphall universe is forever growing, striking down the veritability of people and places everywhere. You might be next.
Follow Michael Arbeiter on Twitter @MichaelArbeiter | Follow hollywood.com on Twitter @hollywood_com
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It’s ba-ack! After six ridiculously long weeks, Glee has returned to our TV screens and to put it lightly — it was quite the whirlwind of a winter premiere. Grab your favorite party dress and find a fella because I’m here to catch you up on everything you may have missed and more in “Sadie Hawkins.”
So Here’s What You Missed on Glee:
McKinley Mix-Up's: The episode opens yet again in the halls of McKinley as Sam and Blaine — aka the crime-fighting duo known as Blam — are discussing their recent Sectionals scandal. Sam is completely convinced that the Warblers somehow cheated, and come to think of it, that is a very likely possibility. How else did they get so flipping good? All of the sudden, in a truly trouty-mouth move, Sam asks Blaine for some lip balm. “Conspiracy theories make my lips get all chapped.” Blaine looks exactly like Bambi in the meadow for a quick second, and then hands it over with a really dreamy look in his eyes. (Side-Note: Okay that was weird. But I know exactly how you feel Sam. If I don’t have my Burt’s Bees around me 24/7 I have full-fledged panic attacks.)
Blaine and Sam enter a classroom and the McKinley High Student Council meeting begins, but before Sugar could go over the budget Tina immediately interrupts her. Rude! Miss Cohen-Chang goes off on a rant about how the hot people always Noah’s Ark together for prom. (Side-Note: That’s my way of saying they couple up. Ya know? Two by two!) Her solution? “I propose the first annual McKinley High Sadie Hawkins dance!” Apparently this was a very popular idea at the newest after school group: the "Too Young to be Bitter Club". It’s members consist of Tina, Sugar, Becky, Dottie Sagitori, neck brace Cheerio, and of course Lauren Zizes. (Side-Note: Zizes was never my fave, she was always so damn negative, so I don’t really care that she’s back.) After an overwhelming vote, it’s official: McKinley High is having a turn-around dance!
Over in the Teacher’s lounge a very handsome Finn — who has clearly gotten over his distain of coffee — is once again getting some friendly advice from Coach Beiste. (Side-Note: As much as I love Dot Marie Jones, and that’s a lot, I do wish that Finn would turn to Emma for an inspirational pep talk. I desperately miss seeing that big-eyed sweetheart on my TV screen.) Beiste encourages Finn to embrace the Sadie Hawkins dance into his lesson plan for the week to empower his fierce females in the New Directions. So over in some astronomy classroom Finn announces that this week the ladies will sing to the guy that they’d like to ask to the dance.
Ladies’ Choice: First up is Tina and as the music plays Sam asks Artie who he thinks she’s about to ask. Artie immediate replies, “The only obvious choice in the room. A charming debonair figure from her past; A forbidden love she let slip through her fingers.” This would have been the perfect opportunity for a Tartie reunion but of course not that would’ve been too easy and too awesome. So who does Tina sing “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” to? Mr. Blaine Warbler, that’s who. (Side-Note: Wait, I’m sorry, what? I’m all for crushing on gay fellas — Matt Bomer, Andrew Rannells, Zachary Quinto etc. — but I would never dare to ask them out! Clearly the writers are reverting back to their season one memories because this is Mercedes and Kurt all over again. Sigh.) As the song ends Blaine looks adorably confused and everyone else in the locker room just looks uncomfortable. (Side-Note: Me too!) Tina officially pops the question and Blaine stammers out the sweetest rejection sentence ever: “Oh uh wow Tina, I don’t know what to say. Um, no. Thank you but no thank you.” And Tina looks absolutely heartbroken.
Brittany approaches Marley in the hallways and after a brief yet hilarious introduction, she gets straight to the girl talk: “I notice that every time you look at Jake you get a really sad look on your face, and if it’s quiet enough I can actually hear that your whimpering like a suckling puppy.” Brittany tells Miss Rose that she is going to help the sophomore find her “power” and ask Jake to the dance. And with the magical twirl of her cheerios skirt, the music starts and the ladies of the New Directions begin my favorite song of the night, “Tell Him.” Dressed in amazing peacock blue dresses, Marley and Brittany lead the girls in a perfectly synchronized dance and it’s a high-energy, gleefully fun performance. (Side-Note: Anytime Brittany gets the chance to sing, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. And this definitely feels like something that the Unholy Trinity would sing, so obviously I’m obsessed with it.) The song ends and Marley asks Jake, Brittany asks Sam and everyone is happy. (Side-Note: Well except the Brittana fandom. Love you guys!)
Kitty once again has her claws out, uses her cheerio powers for evil, and corners Jake in an empty hallway. “Okay I’m going to get right to it, dump the bulimic loser and go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me.” Kitty says that she’s dropped her former virgin ways and is ready to super slut it up with Jake to fulfill his manly needs. (Side-Note: Alright Jarley fans, Becca Tobin is my homegirl, so before you attack her twitter with angry tweets please keep in mind that she is absolutely nothing like Kitty. She’s sweet and kind and has a voice like freakin angel so remember to play nice Glee-bees!)
Baby Puck (Jake) looks to old-school Puck (Noah) for some brotherly advice at the Lima Bean about which lady he should choose. In a surprising and sincere twist, Puck tells his “little brother from a different colored mother” to resist that “Jesus-loving little devil” and take sweet Marley to the dance. Puck later approaches Kitty in the hallway and says one of my favorite lines in the history of Glee: “Stay away from my little bro! He’s not interested in your skanky meow mx.” Kitty is clearly intrigued by Puck’s alpha male personality so she makes him a deal. “You want to keep me away from your brother? Give me a big old yarn ball of muscles to distract me.” And just like that Kitty is now taking Puck to the Sadie Hawkins dance. (Side-Note: And I just found my new favorite couple to ship! What should we call them? Kuck? Pitty? Hmm… I’ll let y’all decide in the comments below.)
Tina walks up to Blaine in the hallway and apologizes for stirring up old memories from when he was bullied in the past. Blaine sweetly accepts her apology but says that he still doesn’t want to go to the dance. It turns out our former bow-tie lover also has a crush on an unrequited love: Sam! Tina explains it best, “You miss Kurt you need someplace to put your love, right?” The two friends also mutually swoon over Sam’s Trouty-Mouth lips and silly impressions calling it “pure crushable crack.” (Side-Note: Agreed. I love that Blaine has a crush on Sam mostly because I know that it’s a completely non-threatening flirtation. Now Adam on the other hand… Grrr.) Tina declares that they are going to go to Sadie Hawkins together and they are going to dance their problems away.
NEXT: New Problems in New York
New Love Lust In NYC: It’s Kurt’s first week in NYADA and he’s flabbergasted that college is just like high school. (Side-note: Um false, my college experience was absolutely nothing like high school, it was way better. But obviously the Glee writers want Kurt to stay an underdog, so we’ll just go along with his little theory.) Kurt’s feeling lost and it doesn’t help that his best friend/roomie keeps blowing him off to hang out with Brody whose gigs all involve him being shirtless. (Side-Note: No one, and I mean no one, likes that girl who ditches all of her friends just because she’s dating a new guy. Really Rachel?) So Kurt figures that the best way to make some friends at a new school is to join an extracurricular activity. As Kurt circles the bulletin board, he comes across a flyer for the “Adam’s Apple” and some random British guy walks by and explains that it’s NYADA’s show choir group.
Fast-forward to the morning and Rachel comes tip-toeing out of her room and Kurt looks scandalized. “Did Brody spend the night?” he gasps. Rachel, is obnoxiously excited and says that she seized the moment and she’s “tired of second guessing something that seems so right.” (Side-Note: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.) The roomies finally have a much-needed heart-to-heart and Kurt explains that he’s interested in joining the Adam’s Apples. Rachel practically chokes on her tea and immediately says no. “Listen to me, there is a very ridged performing art hierarchy at NYADA and show choir is like the lowest of the low.” In a slightly snobby demeanor, Rachel explains that they’re not at McKinley anymore and if he joins the club then he might as well become “a dancing teapot at Disneyland.”
Kurt is once again pondering at the board of lame clubs and the same British guys shows up again and encourages him to join the club. (Side-Note: Oh crap, here we go. This is our first glimpse at the infamous “Adam.” Here are my first impressions: Ew. He’s wearing a vest, a scarf, and a beanie and absolutely none of them are falling under that hot guy hipster category. Plus, how old is he? 35? He gets a few points for that hot accent and sexy arms, but overall nope.) To get him interested in the group, Adam and the Adam’s Apples showcase their skills for Kurt in a slowed down version of “Baby Got Back.” (Side-Note: And it’s the most awkward thing I’ve seen in a really really long time. The Adam’s Apples — conceited name BTW — are like those random groups we see at regionals and sectionals every year. They’re unique, and somewhat talented, but mostly you just think to yourself ‘Aww bless their hearts for trying.’) The song finally ends and we see that Kurt has been giggling like a school girl the entire time.
Later, Rachel and Kurt are strolling along the streets of New York and Rachel is blabbing on about how she can’t wait for Kurt to find the new love of his life so that they can go on double dates together. (Side-Note: La La La! I don’t want to hear this! La Laaaa!) Kurt explains that he’s starting to have feelings for an unnamed fella and we see a series of flashbacks where Adam is showering Kurt with multiple compliments and intense stares. (Side-Note: Ugh now Adam is just like Brody; he keeps popping up everywhere like a damn whack-a-mole. Where’s my mallet?) Rachel encourages Kurt to ask Adam out by saying, “There’s nothing like being in love in New York… What can I say? Things move fast here, it’s not like high school!” (Side-Note: Okay I found my mallet, but all of the sudden I desperately want to whack Rachel. First I’ll ask her where she got that amazing coat, but then I’m going to seriously knock some sense into her!)
Shake-Up's at Sadies: The dance — beautifully decorated in a winter wonderland theme — kicks off with an amazing performance of TLC’s “No Scrubs” from the New Directions fellas. Marley and Jake are dancing. (Side-Note: At least that’s what I think they’re doing. I love her but Marley looks like a spaztic squirrel.) And the couple’s off-beat moves quickly turn into a heart-to-heart conversation. Marley tells her man that she wants to be the only girl in his life, and that she wants to take things slow, but before Jake has a chance to answer her, Marley quickly takes off. (Side-Note: I’m assuming she saw something shiny. Squirrels are always quick to chase after shiny objects.) After Beiste offers some encouragement, Sugar asks out Artie, Zizes ask out Joe, and a supposedly telepathic Kurt asks Adam to go for a drink or coffee sometime (Side-Note: I just can’t. I don’t want to talk about it. I just can’t.)
Now it’s time for the New Directions ladies to shake it again, and they take the gymnasium stage to sing a revamped yet oh-so sexy version of “Locked out of Heaven.” Kitty and Puck are flirting and oddly enough having a sweet time. Kitty tells him that she believes that he could be a great screenwriter and based off of the sheepish look on Puck's face, this is clearly the first time that someone has complimented his work. They then spend the rest of the night hooking up in the backseat of Kitty car. (Side-Note: How romantic!) Sam pulls Blaine into the locker room and the two of them begin to explain to Finn how they think that the Warblers used performance-enhancing drugs at sectionals. Their suspicious are confirmed when Trenton — aka “round-faced Warbler” — emerges from the shadows and reveals that Hunter forced the group to take steroids. Looks like there’s hope for the New Directions after all!
The Final Five: Rachel is alone in the loft with a nice little dinner for two on the table, but it’s clear that she’s beyond pissed. Brody arrives and Rachel immediately flies off the handle, yells at him for being 45 minutes late, and goes off on some wild tangent about how she’s worth more than 10 million dollars. (Side-Note: Woah girl! Slow you crazy roll. I’m not happy with you at all right now, but you’re kind of acting like a psychotic brat. The guy is holding 2-dozen white roses and just traveled to the middle of Nowhere, NY to see you. Take a pill or get back on yours because clearly something is wrong with your hormones.) Brody calms Rachel down by calling her priceless and saying that he would wait in the freezing cold all night for a train if it meant that he got to see her. (Side-Note: Okay I hate to admit it, but that was really sweet. Mostly because it reminded me of something that Finn would say. There’s a clear answer to this problem: we should all just ship Leady instead! [Leady=Leanne and Brody])
Jake tells Marley that she’s the only one for him and we now have an official Jarley couple to swoon over. Everyone is enjoying a snow-filled slow dance while Ryder sings, “I Only Have Eyes For You” and makes some flirtatious eye contact with neck brace cheerio. Over in the "Too Young To Be Bitter Club", Tina and the girls are excitedly rehashing their amazing night at Sadie Hawkins. Their newfound confidence and giggle-inducing loves have brought the sparkle back to their lives, and the club is now forever disbanded. Back in Rachel’s apartment, she and Brody are slow dancing and he tells her that he’ll never ever be late again. “I’ll get an apartment out here,” he says and Rachel counters with, “Why don’t you just move in?” (Side-Note: I’m not saying this from a shipper standpoint, I’m saying this from a gal pal standpoint: You’ve got to be freaking kidding me Rachel Barbara Berry!? Living with a gay best friend is one thing, but shacking up with a guy you just started seeing is crazy. So much for being an independent woman. Without a doubt you’re going to regret it.)
Most Heartwarming Moment: Marley and Jake becoming an official couple.
Most Heartbreaking Moment: Watching Rachel lose herself and become completely wrapped up in some guy.
Quotables:
“For the record I think you’re totally sort of hot, like if I was in a bunker with you I would totally hit that.” — Sam to Tina
“The music usually starts when I say something like ‘It’s Brittany bitch” or I do one of my magical turns.” — Brittany to Marley
“I understand the Puckerman musk is impossible for chicks to resist, we’re like chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven. Sure you know we’re not good for oyu but one whiff of our fresh baked goodness and the next thing you know you lying in bed, covered in crumbs, crying.” — Puck to Kitty
“Look I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of you people killing my Jesus, and I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps but I’m going to have to end this little experiment if you don’t stop dancing like an idiot.” — Kitty to Puck
Vote it out!
&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://polldaddy.com/poll/6853061/"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;What was the best song of the night?&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
What did you think of “Sadie Hawkins”? Are you in shock over Rachel’s proposal to Brody? How are you feeling about Kitty and Puck? Sing your thoughts in the comments below!
Follow Leanne on Twitter @LeanneAguilera
[Photo Credit: FOX]
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We all know our friends down South can exercise the right to some good ole' passive aggressive bitchiness. It's in their blood, or something. And tonight, for the first time perhaps, we see it bursting out of everyone's perfect, small pores full steam ahead. Last week on Nashville, everyone was so depressed. There were tears and groans and so many sighs. Everyone was mourning over their losses – and probably the fact that we were left off without a tad of real drama – crying about how great life once was. But this week was different. There was a quick turn from sad to phony and showed everyone's beautifully deceitful true colors.
The Rayna and Deacon Story
Deacon is still hustling on tour with his jerk bandmates. They're all so grimy and sleazy and corrupt, but they have unlimited drug resources and get to jam all night long! Deacon doesn't mind it so much, especially since Carmen's sweet lips are still available for late-night room service. Plus, he gets to do his own thing, out of the Rayna spotlight. He's doing just fine, until he decides to bring Scarlett backstage with him after one of his shows. The sweet young thing in white lace and an inexplicable lisp of sorts gets hurried to a secret room by his jerkface bandmate and nearly gets raped! Well, maybe not raped, but he did have Scar's back against the wall and wouldn't let her go as much as she pleaded. It takes all of Deacon's will and might to burst in there and pull her back out, but not before landing several hits on the d-bags alcohol-wrinkled eyes. A hero! So, his tour abruptly ends, but not because he misses Rayna. The Queen, on the other hand, misses him dearly. She misses the way he wore his cowboy boots on stage and left his face unkempt and hair dripping in grease. She wants her guitarist back on stage with her and no one else will do. She tries another dude, but he's not about giving her the whole spotlight so he up and quits. She finally convinces another guy who's already part of her crew to hop on the guitar bandwagon and because he clearly wants to bang her, he obliges. And from the looks of the next episode, it appears that might just happen. Everybody wins!
The Scarlett-Gunnar-Avery Story
Avery, oh Avery. The choker-clad kid just wants to make it big. And this time he's pulling out all the stops. While using a cougar agent for press – or is she using him? – Avery pushes the age-old where's ma money whine and finally ladymom tells him that it's coming. It's just not coming until she get him all the money in the world. All the money he so deserves. The fact that he doesn't see through this bullsh*t is enough to know he's not going anywhere. Not without the help of Scarlett, at least. But see, Scar seems to be totally over his deep v-necks and stringy hair. She's all about Gunnar these days, which is like, yay finally. The two continue to play their music and laugh and sing and fall slowly and deeply into a love so pure it's intoxicating to watch. But he's got problems of his own. Gunnar's brother is back in the picture and boy does he have a story. They were young and stupid at one point when they were young and stupid and his brother robbed a store or something and got locked up for a hundred years. So now he's back! And he says he just wants to play music and be a family again, but once behind bars always behind bars. Right? Anyway, he steals Gunnar's guitar at the end of the day and it was as if he never existed… again.
The Teddy and Rayna Story
Man are these two totally f***ed. Rayna left for her tour and didn't want to look back at all. She didn't care about Teddy's campaign or the fact that she won't be able to eat freshly baked chocolate chip cookies every night with her annoyingly perfect kids. She wants none of it. Teddy does, though, at least we are led to believe. He sits at home petting his non-existent facial hair and plucking his brows wondering what (or who) she's doing. He wants their family back together and knows that landing the Mayorship will bring them close again. But that wasn't coming together as easy as he had hoped. He's behind in the polls and even though he wants it badly, he won't allow Lamar to pull strings. Though we know Lamar doesn't need his approval to do anything. At first, Rayna doesn't even want to come home for the big announcement, but last minute she decides she has to be. As the two sit there, watching the final polls come in revealing that Teddy has in fact won, they can't hide their subtle disappointment in one another. Neither wants to be sitting there, pretending. Pretending that their marriage is going to work. Pretending that winning Mayor is going to do anything but complicate matters worse. Pretending that Deacon's face isn't flashing before their eyes. After the celebration, Teddy goes to his hotel room (?) and strips off his blazer. He hears a knock on the door. It's Peggy. Crazy, crazy Peggy. She's back from her pill overdose hospital stint and creepily wants to wish him congratulations. Before she leaves, though, she leans in, ready to smack her psychotic lips on his, but doesn't. This has happened before and without question will happen again.
The Juliette and Celibate Football Player Boyfriend Story
Remember when Juliette got married for like a hot sec and then fled the scene and pretended that it never happened? That was funny. She's so funny this girl! Just because you're a superstar doesn't mean things like marriage don't exist. Unless you're Kim Kardashian. So, J is trying to divorce her virgin husband because an annulment is just too tricky. And it's really hard for her to juggle all of this nonsense while preparing for her tour! God! She's still sad about the whole thing, though. You know, behind her icy exterior that is just getting thinner by the minute. Anyway, so she eventually lawyers up and makes time to sit in a room with him and settle things. Her face says she doesn't care, but we all know better. And now it's over. It's all over.
[Image Credit: ABC]
Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl
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Longtime The Vampire Diaries fans might have their suspicions that the CW hit only decided to stage a Christmas episode as an excuse to couple scary mass murder with delightful holiday cheer, but showrunner Julie Plec tells Hollywood.com that the series' first holiday outing in four seasons was more of a happy scheduling coincidence.
"We don't do seasons in Mystic Falls," Plec says. "We try not to be specific about a seasonal timeline, but it felt like we're four seasons in, this is the first time we've had an episode air this close to Christmas -- usually we're on hiatus. Won't it be fun to give a little bit of a holiday flavor to this episode so that we can do our great juxtaposition opera of blood and mayhem against the beauty and nostalgia of holiday music?"
Klaus' rage over Tyler's betrayal certainly played out beautifully, capping off his evil tirade by drowning a drunk Mayor Lockwood in the town square. But in addition to the loss of a beloved character (RIP), "O Come, All Ye Faithful" piled on a lot of mythology and plenty of plot details to think about until the show comes back from its holiday hiatus on Jan. 17. Here's what Plec had to say about our own burning questions, which of course multiplied as soon as we hung up the phone with the TVD boss lady.
What's Tyler's mindset once he finds out about his mother?
Tyler's first order of business actually is to mourn. This is the last thing he ever expected that would happen, and the loss of his mom is a pretty powerful thing for him. When we come back we're going to see he's not actually doing so well. He's got some stuff to deal with before he's going to pull himself together.
Is it safe to say the cure is the last thing on his mind?
Oh yeah, for sure. He's if anything reeling and looking over his shoulder wondering if Klaus is there to chop his head off. Also, I'm sure [he's] trying to figure out if there's any move he can make or anything he can do to regain the upper hand against Klaus, although it looks pretty bleak. It's not without its solutions, but it ain't pretty.
How is the state of his relationship with Caroline?
It's currently a little bit tested because of the events of this episode, but thankfully they were able to make things right with each other before tragedy struck. Caroline's going to be more concerned about him when we come back and really want to reconnect with him and make him open up to her so that she can help him heal from this experience. Ultimately, both of them as we get deeper into the next chapter, will have to finally sort of face the Klaus problem head on and figure out what to do.
Caroline had warmed up to Klaus recently; how has that changed?
Well, I definitely think it's a setback. [Laughs]
Caroline mentioned that "trust is everything," what did she mean by that?
I think that for Caroline, she perceives that Elena is being victimized, and she has every right to believe that -- of course, Elena herself doesn't believe that. But Caroline's point of view is what it is, borne out of her own experience and her own point of view and opinion about Damon. So for her, what's going on between Elena and Damon is just not acceptable, and the idea that Stefan is standing there talking about trust and family and honesty, it's heartbreaking to see Stefan, her friend, being lied to and being betrayed and involved in a situation that Caroline really, genuinely believes is not okay. I think that will serve to bring Caroline and Stefan's friendship closer, but also put a little bit of a block between Caroline and Elena's friendship. It will not be so extreme right away, but it's definitely a chip in the armor of their girl bond.
Now that Damon has sort of let Elena go, will she be able to choose what to do of her own free will?
What Damon could have said is 'Go away, never see me again, stop thinking about me, stop caring about me, go on with your life, go live a happy life.' That's what he had to say to Charlotte when all was said and done. What he instead said was 'Go home, leave this house, I'll do this without you,' so unfortunately even in being noble -- which, it was noble in the moment because he was feeling the guilt of his own betrayal of Stefan -- he didn't quite go full monty as far as what he should have instructed her to do. So now you have two people who really, really, really feel that strong draw and pull to be together, but ultimately she's going to stay put right where he told her to go and he's going to be at that lake house missing her.
How does Stefan feel now that he knows that Damon and Elena slept together?
Stefan is going through a million emotions. First and foremost is he feels his brother lied to him. Second, of course, is jealousy, as would be the honest reaction of anybody who found out the former love of their life had slept with their brother. Third, I think, is just a colossal disappointment in both of them for doing this and not being honest about it. With Stefan there's always this inherent volatility that lurks underneath his calm demeanor that risks him spiraling. And I think there's a slight danger to him that his spiral might go too far and he's going to have to figure out how to keep himself together.
What will the next chapter of this season focus on?
This next chapter is all about that hunter's mark and trying to complete it and trying to get our team to the location of the cure, which the more we learn about it and the more we'll learn about Silas the more we'll recognize there's extreme jeopardy attached to even seeking it out in the first place. Very quickly our teams will be divided and realize that they all have different agendas, different wants, and different motives. It's going to be a little bit of a race to who gets there first. As Rebekah says in the next episode, whoever gets to it first decides what to do with it, how to use it, who to use it on, who not to, how to control it. It's a power play, and she wants to come out on top.
How will April factor in?
April's move in opening that coffin is the catalyst for the story of the next episode, which is hell hath no fury like a Rebekah daggered and scorned. She is going to set out trying to get her petty little revenge in any way she can, and April is kind of her foot soldier in that plan.
What's Klaus' next move?
Honestly, his actions in the next episode are a little bit surprising in that he decides to focus on the task at hand which is making sure he gets to that cure before anybody else does, because now he's sort of mark on his back that he needs to protect himself from. The last thing a great immortal hybrid wants to be is a werewolf again. So he's singularly focused on that.
Does he have any allies left?
He makes strange bedfellows next week in his pursuit of helping Jeremy complete the hunter's mark.
The Vampire Diaries airs Thursday nights at 8 p.m. on The CW.
Follow Jean on Twitter @hijean
[PHOTO CREDIT: Bob Mahoney/The CW]
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In the battle of Daniel shippers versus Jack shippers, there are no winners. Revenge seems hell-bent on letting that question fester. But in Season 2, a third suitor sauntered into the picture, and he’s winning a few supporters for himself. Naturally, we were compelled to get Barry Sloane, who plays the debonair revenger Aidan, to give us the dirt on his inaugural season on the ABC soap. And the burning question has to do with the final moments of the series’ winter finale, in which Aidan caresses Emily (Emily VanCamp) while Victoria (Madeleine Stowe) plans to push Daniel (Josh Bowman) back into Emily’s incredibly complicated life. “It’s now turned into sort of a love square,” he says. But last we checked, Emily was perfectly happy with Aidan – could it all come crashing down? It could, according to Sloane. Because Aidan’s plan to be Daniel’s right-hand men fell through, the only way for he and Emily to get at the Initiative is to send Emily in to make an alliance. And as we saw on Sunday night, Daniel’s still carrying a sizeable torch for his ex. “The only way they’re going to push a little closer is if Emily can get that information and gain his trust, which is going to be very, very difficult for Mr. Mathis to keep calm during,” says Sloane. But it’s not about staying calm, it’s about keeping his anger in check too – and after Daniel burned him with the Nolcorp deal, Aidan’s already got a chip on his shoulder. Adding Emily to the mix certainly isn’t going to easy that tension. “He’s got a lot of feelings for Emily, and if Daniel is going to get in the way and power play him like he did last episode, Daniel’s not aware of how much of a dangerous man Aidan is, so I think he could land himself in some hot water. He’s got a bit of a temper; he’s not the kind of guy to try to get one up on,” he says. And “I think Jack is going to involved at some point as well,” he adds, which means things could get deliciously messy soon. If that love square isn’t quite sufficient, there’s also the issue of Ashley, who’s been making some serious eyes at Mr. Mathis, all the way up to the moment she betrayed him and turned Daniel against him. “There’s something there between those two. There’s something going on. I think that maybe in the future things will get a little clearer, you know they both met Emily on the same day … that in and of itself is an interesting coincidence,” says Sloane. It’s clear that Ashley consistently wants what Emily has – maybe due to the way in which Emily saved her from a Russian prostitution ring back in 2006 – and now that she’s lost Daniel, what’s to keep her from going after Aidan while Emily enters into a reconnaissance relationship with Daniel? It’s just one of the pieces of the puzzle of Season 2’s second half, which Sloane says has “a dark energy.” And it certainly will for Aidan, who’s going to get wrapped up in the Initiative, big time. “Aidan himself is getting mixed up with Initiative a lot and getting himself in a lot of danger … I think some of those questions [about the Initiative] are going to start getting answered soon … [Daniel’s] now the go-to guy, and I think with Daniel being so young, it’s kind of like candy from a baby,” he says. But feat not. It won’t be a totally bleak, dark winter in The Hamptons. The hilarious, “bitey, mild bitchiness” between Aidan and Nolan (Gabriel Mann) is going to continue (thank you, writers). “There’s a lot coming up in the next few weeks of them finding a working relationship, because obviously they’re both very loyal to Emily so they’re going to have to find a way to work together,” Sloan says. “He’s already calling him a few nicknames.” It seems that in January, Aidan’s character gets a little more dangerous, dashing, and even a little droll. What more could a girl want? Just don't swoon too hard. You'll need to be conscious when the show returns January 13. Follow Kelsea on Twitter @KelseaStahler [Photo Credit: ABC] More: ’Revenge’ Recap: I’m Everything I Am Because You Spurned Me ’Revenge’ Recap: She Moves in Mysterious Ways ’Revenge’ Recap: And We’re Back In the Game
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There are many things in Beverly Hills: fancy cars, big houses, a legion of fake-boobed Botoxed warriors in Roman sleeves waiting to destroy all the men who cross their paths. But there is one thing that there is not in Beverly Hills, and that is a sense of humor. OK, well, some people have it, but many do not. Lisa Vanderpump has a great sense of humor, one that is a little wicked and tinged with just a bit of acid, like one of those British sitcoms you watch on PBS. But those self serious women Lisa mixes with on Real Former American Idol Contestants of Gramophone Gulch, they just don't understand what is funny at all.
The reason I'm bringing this up is because, well, we finally discovered why Adrienne, the queen of the Maloofs (a race of lizards that lives beneath the mountain) and her husband, Paullo the Chimp, are mad at Lisa. Yes, Paullo told us while they were riding in a limo with the bag of facial ticks and white knuckles that is Kim Richards (much more on her later). Here are his three grievances against Lisa, which they are waiting for an apology for: Lisa called Adrienne's shoes "the Maloof Hoof," she referred to their dog Jackpot as "Crackpot," and she said that when she moved out of her house across the street she was going to throw all the furniture she didn't want over their fence. OK, first of all, who even has the problem of having to worry about what goes over your fence? Who has a fence? Secondly, those are all jokes. We heard all those things on the show and it is absolutely obvious to anyone watching with one brain cell and one working eye that it was a joke (which means even Andy Cohen got it). They were kind of funny jokes too. Lisa was teasing. And if your whole reason to hate this lady is because she made a few groaners at your expense, well, then you're a jerk.
So at Yolanda's dinner Paullo is all, "After what she did to us, I'm never talking to her again." Oh please. What she did was tell a few jokes. He's acting like she paid the nanny to kill all of his kids. She's kidding, Paullo, you freaking clown. Oh, sorry, you're a chimp. Whatever. Same deal. Lisa made nice at dinner but really has no interest in mending their relationship until Adrienne apologizes. Now they are playing the Real Housewives' favorite game: Apology Chicken, where one party feels she is wronged and waiting for an apology from another party who also feels wronged and waiting for an apology. In most cases both women have done something totally screwed up and the Emily Post Stand-Off (can we call them Mexican Standoffs anymore? Is that racist?) is totally warranted, but in this case, Lisa has done nothing wrong. Adrienne invented this giant slight and went around spreading lies about Lisa. There is only one wrong party here and she has a whole mountain full of lizards at her command. (Lisa only has one lizard at her command and his name is Ken, so I mean Adrienne.)
OK, before we can start talking about how The Widow Armstrong can't laugh at anything (this has nothing to do with how anatomically improbable her mouth is, but from some sort of mental deficiency) we need to talk about Yolanda's dinner party. Yolanda H. Bananas Foster has a giant freaking house. It is gorgeous and she designed it, every slat on the floor and over-stuffed sofa in the living room. She put her personal touch on all 17,000 square feet of it, even though they only use about three rooms: the kitchen, the living room, and the bedroom. She doesn't use the infinity pool or the outdoor living room. The arboretum lies empty and the conservatory without music. There is no lounging in the lounge and nothing to wrap in the wrapping paper room. They haven't once used the indoor bocce court and, just as the contractor told them, the faithful restoration of a French city block in their basement turned out to be an absolute waste.
The funny thing about Yolanda Bananas Foster is that she planted a ton of lemon trees and then, to her shock and dismay, they grew a million lemons. Now her life is entirely full of lemons and she can not make lemonade. This is her personal failing.
Yolanda invites everyone over and has her butler/caterer, which she has on loan from St. Camille of Grammer, come up with a menu and cocktail list and everything is going well. Lisa and Ken arrive, and Kyle and MMMmmmmmauricio show up with The Widow Armstrong, who is wearing a long, black Victorian mourning gown with a black velvet choker and trailing a black parasol, folded in, behind her and it is jostling her bustle. Adrienne and Paullo bring Kim Richards and the gang is all there. Yolanda invited Mr Body, who I thought was the evil blackmailer in Clue but he's really some jazz musician. She also invited Michael Johns, a very distinguished musician whose career highlight seems to be finishing eighth on Season 7 of American Idol. He wore a fedora to dinner which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about him. Yolanda thought that either the 50-year-old trumpeter or the 34-year-old Australian also-ran would be a good match for Brandi, who didn't even come to dinner. They are not. Brandi, I got your back, even when you're not there.
When everyone arrives their first stop is Yolanda's refrigerator. We need to talk about this at length because, did you see that freaking refrigerator? It was like a giant jewelry display case or the glass coffin where they kept Eva Peron so that everyone could come and view the body. It was like nine feet tall with clear glass doors and just stocked with baskets of fruit that were professionally arranged by a food stylist who comes in every day to rotate the produce and make sure it looks lovely. Also, there were a million lemons and still no lemonade. There were enough lemons in there to make gin and tonics for a room full of British people for a month or one Housewife for a week. This thing is a marvel. It's big enough to walk into, even though you don't need to because you can see everything through the glass door. What does she do with left overs? And condiments? Why is there no half-full ketchup in there and a soy sauce stained white container of last night's noodles from Chinese take out? This isn't just a refrigerator, it is a space ship from the future that has come bringing only gorgeous fruit that will never age or rot. That is what Yolanda ingests to keep her face from aging or rotting.
OK, so everyone is hanging out and The Widow Armstrong is sitting next to Mr. Body and she unfurls her black lace fan with a snap and gives herself a little bit of air and asks why Brandi isn't there. Then she tells everyone, "She told Yolanda that she has slept with everyone in Beverly Hills. Considering there are 16,000 people in Beverly Hills, she has been very busy. Very busy in-deed!" OK, Taylor, first of all we got a sepia-toned flashback to Brandi's comment and she didn't say she slept with everyone, she said "in Beverly Hills everyone sleeps with everyone." That is true. Also funny. The Widow Armstrong, like Adrienne, doesn't get the joke. Also, if Brandi said that she 69ed with everyone in the 90210, which she didn't, but if she did, who would think she was being literal? Who would think she took the voting registry and went house to house dispensing free love and ticking names off her fuck list? No one would think that. No one thinks that is true but The Widow Armstrong and everyone is rolling their eyes as soon as she goes to sit down on a fainting couch.
The Widow Armstrong says all of this after a few too many glasses of sherry and Yolanda says, "There is nothing I hate more than a drunk woman," or something like that. Oh my god. This is like the lemons all over again. Does she know what show she's on? This is like moving to Alaska and after being there a week saying, "There is nothing I hate more than a long winter." Seriously, Bananas.
After dinner The Widow Armstrong gets even worse. Everyone gathers around the piano to listen to Yolanda's husband David Foster (no Wallace) sing on his piano that is made of gold. No, not just gold, it is coated with the metal made from melted down Grammys. That's how many he has, he smelts them and made a piano out of them. (I don't really want to talk about him because he's awful in the blandest way possible. He's been told his whole career that he is great and awesome and a genius and now he believes it so he rattles on and on with his stories about musicians that no one cares about and shows off in front of company and it's just blah. I would hate to spend an evening with the man, but whatever, it's not like he's messed up in his own unique way.) Kyle Richards, ever the showgirl, wants to get up and perform but when the ladies won't calm down, he tells them to shush and that there will be no talking and no singing. It was a little stinging, but he was trying to stay jocular. The Widow Armstrong did not get this. She was all upset. "Well, I never!" she said, while fanning herself faster and faster with her fan and trying not to pass out on her chair. God, Widow, learn how to take a joke.
Then after playing "Amazing Grace," Mr. Body started to play Danny Boy on the trumpet and The Widow Armstrong starts fanning more and more. "Bring me my smelling salts. I'm going down," and she passes out in a heap on the floor because her grief was just so overwhelming that she can't hear a down-tempo song. Paullo the Chimp takes her pulse and determines she's alive and then says, "Why don't we play something a little bit more upbeat?" OK, sure the song selection was whack, but are you really going to go into this guy's house and tell him he can't play "Danny Boy" because The Widow Armstrong lost a loved one a year ago? That's crazier than Courtney Love in detox.
The evening ends without any major atrocities other than the jealousy we all feel for Yolanda's insane refrigerator and the vague pangs of discomfort we feel upon meeting her husband. Now we get the set up is for Lisa and Adrienne's big Contractually Obligated Drinks Discussion About Why We're Mad, but I'm saving that for next week.
That's mostly because we have something tremendously important to talk about. Yes, something happened last night that was sublime in its impact: Kim Richard's daughter Kimberly went to the prom. Oh man. This was the best thing that happened to me since I discovered, through yoga, that I can fit my penis in my own mouth. OK, that is not true, which means this is the best thing I have ever seen.
We already saw Kim and Kimberly go to their sister/aunt Kathy Hilton's house to pick out a frock from her Kathy Hilton's Premiere Elegance Dress Collection that is available on HSN (I made all that up), but the big day is finally here. Kim is dressed in her flowiest dirt brown top and a choker that has never been in style so I have no idea where she got it. She walks to the door and lets in Kasea, the makeup artist who has a name that has never been uttered in any language before this day. Kasea is there to make Kimberly beautiful – wait, no – more beautiful. Kimberly sits down in the chair and Kasea goes to work and Kim gives her a big wad of beads and says, "Listen, Kimberly. I haven't always been there for you. It's been a few really rough years. Mommy's been in and out of the hospital, but I'm here for you now. I'm going to make it up to you. I'm going to make it right." Kimberly gives her the "Yeah, OK, mom," that every teenage girl perfects by the age of 13 and tries to ignore her while a human with an alien's name paints her face.
Kim goes into the kitchen and says, "I'm going to make chicken salad. I'm going to make a whole spread. We're going to make this the most magical day. Look, Kimberly, I'm making the salad. I'm putting in the chicken and the walnuts and the mayonnaise. Look, I'm making salad!" Through the window into the kitchen we can see the Kim is just throwing random amounts of ingredients into a bowl and stirring them up with her fingers. Doot-dee-doot, she's singing as she stirs and stirs, kneading the chicken like it's a big ball of dough. "Look, Kimberly. I made salad!" she said and takes it over to the sideboard that has a cloth runner across the top and is covered with four different plates of hor d'ourves. There are pigs snug in their blankets burned on one side. There are chips and dip in a chip-and-dip that is shaped like a sombrero and is meant for tortilla chips and salsa but is instead full of Ruffles and an onion dip. There's a plate with grapes on it. Just grapes. And there is an empty box of Bagel Bites with some freezer burn slowly seeping inot the runner. Kim puts her salad next to those and goes back to the kitchen to do some more work.
"Cupcakes! We're gonna need some cupcakes!" Kim shouts and pulls some Hostess cupcakes out of the box and unwraps them one at a time before slapping some colored frosting onto the top. She brings them over and puts them onto a glass cake plate that has been broken in half. "How did that happen?" Kim thinks as the first cupcakes she pushes toward the back fall off and stumble onto the floor. She knows how that cupcake feels. She lets it just lie there. It will get up when it's ready.
As she's admiring her handiwork on the sideboard, she hears a little girl voice behind her. "Mom," Kimberly says, as Kim turns around she holds her hands out from her sides a little bit, as if that will help Kim get a better look of her black dress which is frayed on the bottom, like a black swan that is still moist from sitting in a pond. Her makeup is done, her hair aligned in a row of knots along the perimeter of her skull. She looks beautiful and young. She looks like Kim Richards going to a movie premiere.
"Oh," Kim says, holding her hand up to her mouth, joyed that her daughter looks so great and that she could do so much for her on this special day. She's so pleased and so sad. This is going to be the best day of her life. For Kim, things never got better after prom. She tried and tried to recapture that day, that feeling that there is a big strong man coming who will protect her and make her feel better, she tried to burrow her way into that cocoon a million times, but she never quite got there. Maybe she didn't cook long enough, popping out while here butterfly wings were still a bit unfinished and sticking to her sides. Maybe she was grounded for good. But not her daughter, not her beautiful daughter flying before her very eyes.
That's when the strains of the "Star Spangled Banner" start up over the house with its jangly tones and everyone sings along in the heads for the first few bars. "That's the doorbell!" Kim shouts, surprised every time that it's not the start of a Lakers game. She runs down the steps and lets in Joe (I forgot his name, whatever) Kimberly's 20-year-old boyfriend. He's a little old to be going to such a thing and totally huge. "Oh, you're a giant," Kim says. "That so good. You can fight everyone off from my Kimberly!" she does an awkward karate chop and then laughs at her own joke, an awkward smile spreading over Joe's face. "Is, um. Is Kimberly ready?" He asks? "Of course! Come in."
"Wow, you look great!" he says when he sees her and goes in for a kiss, lifting her off the ground a little bit. "Are you ready?" Kimberly asks. "Yeah," he says.
"Wait!" Kim shouts. "You have to have something to eat. Look. I made all this food. Aren't you waiting for your friends? I figured you'd bring them all over and their parents and we can all take some pictures out in the front lawn, because you guys look so great. I frosted cupcakes. There's chicken salad!"
"Sorry, Mom," Kimberly replied. "We're going over to Julie's house. She arranged the limo so it's picking us up there, so we actually have to get going."
"Can I take one picture? Come on, one picture," she says getting her phone out of her pocket and pushing the two of them together at the top of the stairs. "Say 'Prom Date!'" They smile and she pokes her finger at the screen of her phone and it makes that recorded snap sound. "Oh, one more." She turns her phone and pokes again.
"OK, Mom. We really need to go."
"Are you sure? Are you sure you don't want to take some food with you?"
They walk out the front door and off to the car. Kim rushes inside to the window next to the sideboard, the food poised precariously on top. She lifts the blinds up with one finger and peers outside like she's watching something she shouldn't be, like she's peeking. She sees Kimberly walk over to the side of Joe's truck and she remember's the pickup truck that her date drove to her prom. He had a trailer rigged up in the back and they spent the night in it cuddling. The first time she kissed a man. The first time she drank. The first time she ever really felt like she could do something that mattered.
It's going to be different for Kimberly, she thought. She is my do-over. Before opening the door Joe put his arms under Kimberly's and picked her up while kissing her and spun her around. "Joe stop!" she said and let out a little laugh as he opened up the door and let her in, closing it gingerly after her and putting his other hand over the door as if to double seal it, to keep anything bad from happening. This was going to work, Kim thought. This was going to be perfect. As they pulled away she kept staring out into the driveway, wondering what she could do now, trying to figure out how her story was going to end. She was never good at endings, she was never good at the future. Her future just drove off and where did that leave her? Home, on a Saturday night, with no one to call, with no one to bother, with no one to care for.
She picked up the glass bowl from the sideboard and walked into the kitchen. She opened up the door under the sink and slid out the garbage can, quiet on its oiled track. She threw the chicken salad into the bad, bowl and all. It made a thump and the cracks filled the bowl but didn't break it. It just sat there, dead weight. Kim said to no one in particular, maybe to the cracked bowl, "No one even touched my salad."
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: AP Photo]
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Posing With the Animals
Juliette Barnes (Hayden Panettiere) has to make up for that shoplifting situation. Remember? That time she went to CVS or whatever and paid for chips and candy, but not the cheap nail polish? She threw polish in her bag and waltzed away, but not before getting videotaped. So, here we are, at the zoo, posing with the animals. Juliette's publicist is all, "Say hi to the adorable NFL quarterback who is here for fun just because he actually likes the cute animals" (like most living, breathing humans). But Juliette is absolutely repulsed by this. "He's here for fun?" she questions. As if. But of course, once she gets a closer look at his perfect jawline and innocent eyes, she's all smitten. Forget the "rodent" climbing all over her curly locks. Forget everything! This is going to be her big turnaround. Sweating a nice guy who also just happens to look awesome in tight pants? What could be better? Rating: 8/5, because really, what could be better?
The Unlikable Underdog I'm just going to say what we've all been thinking: Avery f**king blows. He's not as cute as Gunnar or Deacon. He's definitely not as nice as Gunnar or Deacon. And it's clear he's not as talented as Gunnar or Deacon. But he's still freakin' around. He just won't go away. He's hanging on Scarlett like she's a coat rack from the clearance section of T.J. Maxx. He uses her for her almost-fame. And also, what's with that stupid choker necklace? I mean, honestly, what in the hell is that? Anyway, so Avery gets a gig or something at a bar that isn't the Bluebird and is all like, "This is my big break!" After his performance, he goes over to some big shot and tries to woo him, only the dude really isn't all that interested. He's not, but the cougar to his left is. Oh, she's interested all right. She can't get the image of Avery sweating on stage out of her mind. Sweating the good stuff. The young stuff. So, she's going to undress him help him out, she thinks. Make him a big star. And he can barely answer her. He's too excited at the prospect of sleeping with a filthy brunette to get the words "hell yes" out. Rating: 9, because where there's a young hot male musician, there's a middle-aged "manager" with an agenda. When All Else Fails, Change Rayna James (Connie Britton) is getting kind of boring. I'm sorry, but she is. She's wearing weird big dresses from Annie Sez or something and singing the same damn tunes with the same damn band. She needs something big, something that's going to get her ahead of the country curve. So she seeks the help of big-time music producer, Liam McGuinnis. She's got a vision of him changing her sound and her image and like Tami Taylor, she's not taking "no" for an answer. Even after he compares her to a mom in an SUV — which hello, she's driving a Range Rover — she goes back for more. But things aren't looking so good. He's still not buying that she can be hot and young and fun and sexy. So she does what any woman on the cusp of a breakdown does: grabs the whiskey. They take shots and shots and more shots and maybe even body shots until he's so into her they record a song. Sort of. And it's pretty awesome. This is what she wants now, and she'll battle her label until they agree to it. Rating: 6/5, because yes, she wants to feel liberated again, but come on lady. You still have two kids relying on you to get to school in the morning. The Diner Date Don't you miss it? I do. I miss ordering chocolate chip pancakes at 2 am with boys and talking about high school and drinking full fat Coronas and screwdrivers, the two drinks I knew of during diner days. Juliette's "date" with the hunky quarterback isn't much different. Okay, so there are no pancakes, but still. You might have even forgotten about the time she banged Deacon after knowing him for all of 30 seconds. Or the time she seduced her producer or whatever and then molested him in the coat closet. Yep, this time is different. She's, dare I say, acting her age. Almost. Minus the whole, "Let's go somewhere in my fancy jet" thing. Rating: 10, because for once, Juliette is so close to being a normal twentysomething girl. And even she can't stop it. Campaign Madness Oh Teddy. My dear Teddy. What am I going to do with you? You're so close to being dead, I think. I don't know what's going to happen. What I do know is your combover and polo shirts would not last a minute in jail. The campaign is a mess, first of all. He is behind in the polls, surprise, surprise, and his sweet father-in-law is not happy about it. Teddy can make all the pretty speeches he wants, but the problem is he's got a past. A past that is about to shake Nashville so hard Lamar's toupee is in danger. So what's dear old dad going to do about it? Frame the opponent, that's what! Like the good old days! Some clean fun. He has a cop follow the poor lad to (he says) just hand out a traffic violation, but OMIGODWHATISTHIS the cop finds drugs! How'd they get in the car? I'll just let you guys be the judge on that one. OH, and how could I have forgotten. Teddy's embezzling friend-slash-secret lover-slash-maybe the mother of his secret children (taking a gamble on that one) is going to support his campaign by volunteering! How sweet of her. It makes perfect sense. Best part, the photos of the two of them by the water holding arms and looking all affair-like have been leaked. Yep. They're out there now (well, depending on if his opponent goes through with releasing them, which of course he will) and then there's no turning back. Rating: 9/5, because staying close to a love interest while appearing to be doing good for the community is rule No. 1 in stalking etiquette. Just ask Felicity. New Bars, New Cougars Say goodbye to the Bluebird, people! Well okay, not goodbye forever, but for the time being until Avery is hopefully cut from the show. Remember that woman I was telling you about? The one with the cleavage and the scary eyes? Well, he's agreed to take her up on her offer, even though Deacon already told him to stay away. STAY FAR AWAY IDIOT. But he doesn't. Why would he? And we find out she only signs guys younger than 30 who also sleep with her. Sounds like a good business, to me. I mean seriously, I want that job. Anyway. So we've established he's got nothing to lose at this point. He goes to her home with hopes of a career and maybe a hand job, and though she's willing to do a lot more, some weird conscience thing inside him takes over and he walks out. Rating: 1, because I cannot believe he wouldn't sleep with her. I mean, come on. Avery?! …Guess what? I was right. He went back in. Boom. [Image Credit: ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Nashville' Get's Full-Season Order, Y'all! 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