Casey's blog

Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess decided she wanted to have a baby. So she instantly fell pregnant and ​had a perfect pregnancy where she grew a "cute little" bump and didn't gain weight in any other part of her body. Her face didn't explode with pimples in the first trimester whilst her body adjusted to the crazy hormone fluctuations, and she was never EVER a mega bitch to her husband, the prince.

She kept exercising five times a week and eating one salad a day throughout her whole pregnancy like a respectable lady ought to. Then she had a wonderful birth and the next week returned to her pre-baby body so she could continue her life as a professional fitness model as if nothing happened.

Her belly never resembled a cake sagging in the middle from overdoing the baking powder. She never once accidentally shat her pants or peed whilst reaching for a box of cereal in the supermarket, no way. And her baby was perfect and sleeping through the night by zero weeks of age, just in case you were wondering. And she lived happily ever after. The end.

...

So many normal and necessary changes happen to a woman’s body - and life - during pregnancy and after birth. And yet society and the media gloss over all the (literally) shitty stuff and instead feed us the unicorn fairytale version of what motherhood and parenting is "supposed" to look like.

No where is this more evident than in the whole idea of getting your "pre-baby body" back.

Diet culture is relentless in sending new mothers messages about needing to fix their so-called imperfections - that they need to "bounce back", lose the baby weight, and flatten their newly soft and stretched tummies within weeks.

Sadly, the way many new mums attempt to live up to this impossible standard is through restrictive dieting and over-zealous exercise, often taken on before the pelvic floor and abdomen have had a chance to repair. Neither of which are in the best interests of mum or baby, especially if mum is breastfeeding.

I recently heard from a client who is making leaps and bounds with the non-diet approach... but is now finding it REALLY tough as she puts on more weight and her clothes get tighter.

As her body re-calibrates after years of restrictive dieting - which can manifest as weight gain (temporary or permanent), her brain is shouting at her to restrict food, lose weight, start vigorous exercise - all the old coping mechanisms that got her into trouble in the first place.

Feeling a lot of self-loathing and disconnection from her body and its changing shape, she reached out to me.

It's really common for a woman I'm working with to tell me it’s easier to love her body when she’s “eating well,” exercising, or otherwise doing the things that society tells us are necessary to win the “thin is best” game.

This is totally understandable.

We live in a world that constantly reminds us that our worth is directly proportional to our body fat percentage. Where social privilege and resources are granted or withheld based on how well we adhere to society's narrow range of "ideal bodies". In such a world, it may feel easier to accept yourself when you’re conforming to the rules set by the over culture.

And it's all too automatic to hate ourselves when we do not happen to conform to these unjust standards.

It's the end of winter, nearly spring. This is Imbolc - the time of metaphoric rebirth. Half way between the winter solstice and the spring equinox, this is traditionally a time for purification and spring cleaning in anticipation of the new surge in life approaching.

We may well still have a few cold snaps ahead of us but the energy has shifted.

Both energetically and in the natural world, now is the time we see new growth following the seeming dormancy of Winter. Imbolc is a time of hope, a time filled with the excitement of new possibilities for the future, the time for manifestation of whatever dreams we've been seeding over winter.

And troublingly - but not surprisingly - there are plenty of body-shaming industries ready to capitalise on the collective feelings of hope and excitement that coincide with the change in season.

One industry that plays a huge part in forming the mass constructed social expectations placed on bodies associated with this time of year is, of course, the diet industry.

Being late winter when the growing warmth is reminding us of the bikini season 'just around the corner', this is when we hear an escalation of mantras like, "Summer bodies are made in winter" along with increased pressure to buy those programs and products that employ this infuriating rhetoric.

​The marketing strategies of those selling diet plans, weight loss products, 8- or 12-week training regimes and body-beautifying yoga challenges adopt this kind of tagline in order to incite a feeling of urgency or even panic in those who, shamefully, 'still haven't started working on their summer body.'

Well fuck that.

I say, "Body shame is perpetuated by stupid sayings like 'Summer bodies are made in winter.'"

Your body is not the problem. Your belief that your body is the problem, is the problem.

Which one factor is absolutely fundamental to women having a healthy sex drive?

Is it having "the ideal body", which we're convinced will make us the desire of every man?Is it owning and wearing the most exquisite lingerie you can buy?Is it being a yogi - gymnast so you can act out the entire Kamasutra without breaking a sweat?Is it re-training your brain to think, breathe and live sex by mulling over your sexual fantasies and doing libido-boosting visualisations daily?Is it having a sexually adventurous, Samantha Jones-esque personality and not being afraid to search sex shops far and wide for the latest and greatest toys?Is it being comfortable with and well-practised at masturbation so you're familiar with what your body likes?Is it being assertive and vocal in bed, and being able to confidently ask for what you want?

It's NONE of these. Whilst some of these are important ingredients to a healthy sex life, there's a HUGELY fundamental sex drive-promoting necessity that's glaringly absent from this list.

The most important thing you can do as far as your desire for sex goes?

It's having enough fat on your body.

Yep, having enough or ample fat, not as little fat as possible.

​If, like most women, you're weight loss dieting... if you're partly starving and/or overexercising your body to get down to or maintain the levels of body fat approaching that of fitness and fashion models (the official body type desired by the average woman in our culture because we think it will buy sexuality)...

​And without these things, even the most dedicated Kamasutra practitioner, sex toy aficionada, "perfect" figured gym-bunny, or modern woman with sex communication skills of steel will not be able to get it on... let alone get off.