Kris calls Kris (momager) Granny?
According to Kim, everyone hates Kris first, and then they love him. And according to Kourtney, “Everyone’s in the hating him phase.”

Kim WENT TO MINNESOTA. I didn’t think she knew that place existed. In MN, she says, “We really need to have a talk about the dog memorabilia,” to which Kris (caveman) responds, “Those photos were professionally done.” She then counters by attacking his choice to have family photos by his bed, by saying “do you want to have sex and have those there?” Of course, Kim’s house is full of photos of her so…

8:04 pm Bruce and Kloe get cute. OMG. And according to Kris (momager), you can never be too honest.

8:06 pm “Even the grocery carts in Minnesota are weird,” according to Kim.
Picking up a copy of a magazine that apparently has Kim on the cover, Kris (caveman) remarks, “50 sex moves? I’ve only seen about three.” God I love them in Minnesota.
Stars: They’re just like us! They read magazines about themselves at the grocery store.
I like that Kim is hating on Khloe for not wanting to go to Minnesota when it’s like…hello do I even need to spell it out.

8:11 pm Molly sees the pistachio commercial for the first time and remarks “I can’t believe they’re having him in green.”

8:15 pm Kris (caveman) reminds Kim of bruce. uhoh.
Kris (caveman) wants to stay in Minnesota so “we can just start pumping out babies.” It’s cool that he’s honest about what people do there.
Kim: I think I fell in love with you because you could handle my career. Romantic.
(5 minutes later)8:20 pm Kim: Definitely the thing O love the most about Kris is that he acts like a big kid. But then it annoys me.
Rob: On our way to Vegas and of course we’re flying commercial (ooooooh crazy hands).

Commercial break: “I’ve always been passionate about walking,” says Brook Burns.
Kourtney on whether Kim should change her name: “I think it’s a good idea if that’s what she wants to do.” Always the voice of reason.
Lamar at cheer camp is amazing. They almost look like a normal family.

8:43 pm Even Kris (momager) can’t hide the fact that it’s ridiculous that Kim is wearing three dresses to her wedding. Don’t worry, she’ll wear spanx.

8:52 pm Honesty is the best policy, again this episode?
Kourtney: This stickiness has now leaked through the paper towel.
Khloe: I would buy a hump rope.

8:57 pm Kim refers to Minnesota as “Yee-haw Minnesota.” Kris (caveman) responds with, “Nine years ago you sold clothes in a bo-tique in the valley. And now all of a sudden you’re Miss Princess.”

Watching a couple fight over seating is amazing. “You’re switching the Temples?” snaps Kris (caveman) in a tense tone. I am impressed that the editors made it appear in the commercials that they were fighting over a pre-nup.

9:08 pm Why is Rob wearing a sweatshirt at the rehearsal dinner tonight?

9:18 pm Kim is taking fabric from one of her dad’s shirts and is cutting a heart out and is sewing it into where her heart is in the dress.
Her emotional breakdown about her dad is one of the few real moments I’ve seen on this show.

9:27 pm This LivingSocial plug after Kim’s emotional moments is really the crassest juxtaposition this show has done yet.

9:34 pm We haven’t seen them without make-up in such a long time. It’s amazing. As usual, Mason is stealing the show.

BEDAZZLED CROSS What. OMG Tre fab, as Kloe would say.
Kris (caveman) and Bruce are having a heart-to-heart but all I can look at is Kris’ stache. At least everyone else agrees and their is groomsman debate about it.

9:37 pm Say what you want about Kim having an extravagant wedding, she gives her mom earrings.
Maria Menounos with Joe Francis what?!
MJ the nana has a white manicure. Like, to die for.

9:39 pm Kris decides to shave his mustache right before the wedding as his last bit of control.

9:45 pm Mason is stealing the show and Kris (caveman) knows it.

And emerging from the foliage is…

9:55 pm Dina Lohan and Babyface. What. This is surreal.
Brittny Gastineau catches the bouquet.
Molly: Did anyone realize how horribly spelled her first name is.

Editors’ Note: There were men here for this one. They were pretty shocked with what they had to see.

7:03 pm Kim is wearing a see-thru tuxedo shirt. Do not discuss.

7:05 pm E! has decided to blur out a dog pooping.

Josh thinks Kris'(momager) office looks like Lex Luther’s.

7:09 pm Kris (momager) has a totally different face .
Josh: Re: Bruce “That dude looks like if Dave Coulier was a lesbian. And is Kim glued to that guy’s lap?

7:14 pm Humira is, in fact, for rheumatoid arthritis. Point one for Josh.
Kris (momager) wears so many 80s blazers I would like to see just the 80s blazer portion of her closet.

7:17 pm Kris (caveman) wants dogs in the bed. Little, little dogs. Josh: I like this guy.
Kris (momager) has taught us that plastic surgery is both normal and exciting.

7:24 pm You’ve gotta get out of the bad place and into the fun place.
Kris (caveman) to Kim: Your favorite thing is Hermes, and you new last name is going to start with an H.
Josh: This guy is seven.

7:27 pm Kim’s face doesn’t even fit in the frame because she’s so short and Kris (caveman) is so tall. You’re not meant to be if you can’t even fit together on tv.

(After and extended conversation about who Rob Kardashian is) Josh: Who is that bro in the back? Is that guy their brother? I would hate to be brother’s with this girl.
Rob should get a webseries.
In short succession, we’re sandblasted with really really shocking images. Like Rob’s ass, Kourtney doing her confessional in a Memoirs of a Geisha outfit, and Kris (momager) crying in a Tony Soprano track suit WITHOUT MAKE-UP ON.

7:35 pm Some genius has decided to edit between Kris (momager) having her facelift and the thing she’s lifting her face for (how she’s not as young and hot as her daughters). This is the definition of brilliance.
A conversation between children:
K1: I’m just worried.
K2: Why.
K1: Moms, um, surgery.

7:37 pm Commercial for Tower Heist THE MONEY’S IN THE POOL.

Khloe and Lamar rep pistachios? As in, the entire concept of the pistachio nut is now irrevocably tied to Khloe and Lamar?

7:41 pm Kris (momager) is totally drugged out and post surgery and the first thing she says is, “Kim, do you have any Binaca?” She DOES have a sense of humor.
Emma: She just air-kissed her mother.

8:11 pm I like that this prenup convo is going on when it says “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” in the bottom right.

8:25 pm Rob: I do worry about my body. (CUT TO: DANCING WITH THE STARS PROMO).
Khloe: Robert, a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.
Rob: Lamar, give me the fruit roll-up.

8:30 pm Khloe is texting Rob how much she hates Kris (momager).

Rob has “That kardashian toosh”

8:33 pm On Rob: “He’s sitting in the pantry…crying and masturbating.”

Aaron: I want a show with only Kris and lamar playing basketball, and I’m going to call it the NBA.

8:39 pm Kourtney: I’m going to turn on the heat at night so you lose a few lbs.
Yup Rob, this is totally better than Khloe and Lamar’s.
My boys…Lamar…Scott…Fat Rob.
“If I’m going to have a six pack by the wedding…you’re not going.”

Kris (caveman): Why does Kim feel like she can show up? I don’t go to her dress fittings.
God he’s real. It’s like he never got past that stage as a small child where you say everything you think because you don’t realize its rude.

8:42 pm Rob to Scott: Dickie boy, you’re not going to tell Kourt if i get a burrito, are you?

I could watch this woman talk all day (in fact, watch the whole piece here, which answered most of my questions, though certainly not all). Ellen says, “I am the supermodel of hands because my hands are flawless.” Our trusty correspondant then says “Beautiful” in a creepy voice, and is schooled on how to best touch them. Really guys, things are getting steamy in here. They get even weirder in this segment about her feet also.
In the longer piece, other hand models are interviewed, and they talk about the different products they sell. The best quote: “Ellen serves dinner. Christina holds diamonds. Even in the hand modeling world, women can’t have it all.” Too real. As is this comment below the video:

2) Good Thing None Of The Kardashian’s Have K Middle Names
Daphne Merkin covers The Kardashian family in a very amusing story. I really can’t get enough of them. They’re so calming.