celibacy as sexual freedom

The definition of celibacy has been widely accepted by society (though defined specifically by the Roman Catholic church) as abstinence from any and all sexual relations, so first and foremost let me be clear that I define it as abstinence from outside sexual relations in an effort to better know thyself… Allow me to explain. Growing up in the catholic school system, I was taught the generic definition of celibacy so naturally my rebellious nature paired with a blooming sexual curiosity almost immediately dismissed the concept as religious fascism. Later, though, life would show me the error of my ways. It’s also important to note that I fully recognize the privilege I have in being able to pursue a celibate lifestyle casually and not forcefully. I acknowledge that there are people in the world, especially other women, who don’t have the same choice which has served as a reminder of why it’s crucial for me to be as intentional and forthcoming as possible while sharing my story.

So the years passed, lovers came and gone (literally) and at some point it hit me that I’d spent a lot of time confusing sexual freedom with sheer carelessness (shoutout to college). Still I felt utterly dissatisfied with my sex life deep down. After I turned 21, though, I experienced a major shift in being. I decided that I wasn’t going to feel sorry for myself and that it was time for a transformative sexual revolution. And boy was it revolutionary! Triple orgasms, transcendent sexual experiences, passionate soulmate reunions, the whole 9… I felt as though I had unlocked portals in others and myself that changed us forever. I finally felt sexually liberated, empowered, at peace, orgasmic. And STILL… I yearned for more, I knew that as breathtaking as it all was there was even better in store if I dared to go the distance. Also I was getting bored. Believe it or not, I started to feel like a student in a remedial (love-making) class. Truth is I’m not easily satisfied, especially when I know what else is out there. So when I felt a spiritual and emotional withdrawal from my sexuality again, I accepted it wholly. I didn’t get frustrated with myself, I didn’t question myself, I didn’t lie to myself… I had evolved, I learned that self-love meant honoring all your feelings, thoughts and needs no matter how complex and deep they may be and who it inconveniences in the process.

So I searched and searched and searched, but never necessarily found. I was so deep into my studies that I had simultaneously forgone social interaction and sex for weeks (that and my main ting was acting funny, so I had some time on my hands). I also tend to be the lone wolf type, so a few weeks of solitude felt like heaven. Point is I spent so much time and energy focused on my mind and spirit while on this mission to understand my body’s needs that I had deprived it… or so I thought. See what I realized was how unobstructed I felt when I didn’t make sex an option for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I get that we’re sexual beings who require a level of intimacy to survive but that didn’t mean it was always convenient. Let’s be real sex can be maaaaad work to physically, mentally and spiritually prepare for, especially as a woman, and I hadn’t fully conceptualized that until I didn’t have to succumb to sex’s whims. Thankfully I did because that was where I found my latest epiphany; celibacy. Suddenly life came back around full circle and I laughed and cried simultaneously as flashbacks to my middle school classroom at Corpus Christi flooded my memory. I cried thinking about Jesus having starved himself in the desert, living a life of chastity and even though my faith in the white Jesus narrative has always been shaky, I still felt so connected to him in that moment as if he were allowing me to feel how he once did. I understood him so much more, like he was right there in my room whispering truth to me that resonated with the depths of my being. It was a magickal, mystical, angelic moment that I now KNOW was gifted to me for what I had experienced in my weeks of (involuntary) celibacy and fasting (because I was doing that too but that’s another story).

Which brings us back into the now and the lesson I’m trying to convey. On my journey of marrying mind, body and spirit I had no idea how powerful celibacy would be. What I once regarded simply as a controlling and deranged concept being thwarted at me by the Eurocentric, patriarchal Roman Catholic church I now see more as a freeing, God-sent depiction of how virtuous and spiritual (yet kinky and raunchy) sacred sexuality can be. I’ve come to see celibacy as an occasional detox of sorts. Honestly, most people don’t even understand the energetic toll sex takes on us, especially when it’s with someone who doesn’t align with our vision and values. Sometimes, though, it takes a step back to properly reflect and evaluate in order to even see the true colors of someone you’re fucking with. It’s not like I don’t plan on having sex again, I’ve just come to a point of agreement with my higher self that I will never be put in any position (literal or figurative) to allow someone unworthy into my temple. It’s that simple! More importantly, I’ve gotten to experience first-hand the pure power, clarity, energy, purpose and drive that comes with a few weeks of intentional, focused celibacy. That and going back to the simpler days where passionate kissing was powerful enough intimacy to satisfy me really reminded me how much I enjoy channelling my inner preteen and just appreciating the build-up.

Now recall that I define celibacy as abstaining from all OUTSIDE relations, meaning that every now and then I do engage in self-pleasing, tantric healing. In my research I came across several different sources who agreed that masturbation is a potent agent for internal change, now imagine if only you channeled those energies into, say, ANYTHING?! I mean, tantra can and always has been used for a lot more than the health benefits, it’s known for its alchemical ability to create magick when properly applied… but again, that’s another story. I guess, in the end, I just wanted to share this revelation because I see so many people around me suffering from a lack of selectivity. I wanted to say that there’s a lot more to being celibate than simply NOT having sex. It’s not for everyone, this I know, but it certainly CAN be because there’s a lot to be learned and we are all life’s students. Truthfully, sex plays such a pivotal role in our society but how many of us can say we’ve taken the adequate time to define FOR OURSELVES what making love, having sex and/or fucking means? If you have, congratulations but if you’ve been in or are in my shoes and haven’t yet I challenge you to revisit your relationship with sex/sexuality. Perhaps that means making a celibacy pact with your higher self in order to reevaluate your wants/needs or practicing some tantric exercises with your lover or even simply cutting off some toxic fuck buddies for good… whatever it is, it’s time to do it. It’s time to recognize the significance of your sexual energy, reestablish exactly and only what you deserve and make it happen. Have comfort knowing that I’m still on the journey myself and it’s less about the destination, more about the ride… feel me?

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I have been celibate for most of my life. I think when we place less emphasis on SEX and more emphasis on WHO we have sex with (ourselves or others) we can connect more deeply. It becomes less selfish and more about bonding and getting closer to love. I think if God exists, God is love. And if sex is something that is so powerful that it can create life, I believe love is not just nice to include, but rather it is critical to the process. We were put on this earth to love deeply. Not to use others for our sexual whims. I love this piece you wrote because I’m 24, and I’ve never had sex. Many people view this as repressed sexuality, that I’m a prude, that I’m anti-social and etc. But none of that is true. I feel so empowered. I choose love. I feel empowered by my willingness and desire to love and only share my body with people who will help me reach that love at higher levels. ❤