New Year, Present Me

That we are going to change dramatically with the turn of the new year, whether it be physical aesthetics or changing addictive habits.

How about our spiritual and mental wellbeing?

This is something that usually takes a back seat as we all continue to attempt to cope with modern-day stresses.

Jobs or occupations that consume every hour followed by financial woes and then there is social pressure to be accepted whatever the hell that means, going out, drinking, being seen, wearing the coolest fashion, having the most hygge home, owning a home, having a bigger home, going on lavish holidays, being feminist enough, having aggressive yet agreeable political views, virtue signalling, pretending you care, having children, wanting children, getting married, dating anyone and everyone and in the same breath we are all DISCONNECTED and DEPRESSED more than ever.

Exhausting just writing all this, I’m just pushing the modern thought process.

How about growth, naturally evolving constantly like a beautiful plant and appreciating the everyday miracles?

My serious life style changes took place half way through 2018 and felt scary yet liberating too, I felt true change within myself, slowly as I recovered from what I now acknowledge as near death.

There are no two ways about it, my body was trying to kill itself.

The second largest vein in the human body, superior vena cava moves blood from the upper half of the body to the heart and I had a ruddy tumour obstructing it, quietly, silently, it was literally killing me.

At times, as ridiculous as it sounds I experienced imposter syndrome as without medical intervention it would be impossible for me to be here today, I was DYING.

It was a gradual, heartbreaking yet a therapeutic process for me to recover from this and look forward, instead of my brain feedback looping the traumatic events of this year.

For the first time I am here, now, aware, I am not consumed by the financial/survival pressures this modern world has put upon me, my family are safe and regardless of my terminal diagnosis so am I.

My message this year is to DO LESS, you can still be productive and purposeful.

Stress is pulling the trigger on so many modern diseases, causing inflammation, anxiety, IBS, gut and digestive health issues, cancer, heart disease/attacks, depression, strokes, addiction, we are all cells and our mind and body are totally one hundred percent connected.

Not for one moment am I blaming diseases on individuals, what I want to do is empower myself and hopefully others to overcome lifes hurdles, whatever they may be by taking ownership.

I am constantly asked about the process of being diagnosed and what the doctors say but rarely am I asked…… and then what happened after?

What’s life like LIVING with cancer everyday?

I have never felt so at peace in my entire life, I have forgiven so many traumatic factors that may have contributed to my condition and I have got a handle of my PTSD and anxiety to the best of my ability.

Most importantly my focus is on ensuring as I continue with my care giving nature, serving others that I explored through starting a restaurant and sharing my experiences, that I totally love myself and nourish my soul and body too.

I first ‘came out’ online in June this year (2018) after letting the words stage 4 cancer sink in for about 6 weeks.

My colourful and passionate world totally shattered, it cut me deep, like a bad relationship break up with myself.

A mixture of messages poured in of love and also total and utter fear, people exclaimed ‘sorry for you’, ‘sorry YOU are going through this’, almost separating and isolating my condition from themselves.

The messages I was particularly drawn to, which brought my great comfort were of empathy, hope and encouragement, not empty pity.

I’m a warrior and not programmed to shy away and hide in the corner and those who knew me well enough cheered me on at my weakest.

I did not look like those white bald heads you usually see on the adverts, dying, I was far from that generic cancer picture.

I wanted to show myself and others that there are other stories to be had and that there is a life before and after a terminal diagnosis no matter what age or race you are.

This year I am patting myself on the back for the little miracles, health is stable, I am still that British Pakistani restaurateur, newly wed Wife, Sister, Daughter, adding writer/blogger to my credentials.

I have loose goals for this year but nothing is set in stone because well life is not guaranteed to me or anybody so live passionately yet more peacefully now!

You do not have to be anything or anyone, you are perfect just the way you are and can damn well do what you want when you want.