Friday, April 27, 2007

Top 10 ways to be a shitty neighbor in Durham

10 - Don't participate in any neighborhood activities, join the neighborhood association (hey, it's only ten bucks a year. is it gonna kill you?), help distribute the newsletter, or come to any of our potluck dinners. Bitch loudly that nothing you need ever gets done in the neighborhood, and it's all run by an exclusive cabal that won't admit outsiders. Bonus points for subscribing to the list serve "in order to save on advertising for your FSBO."

6 - Park your car in the yard. Let your friends park their cars in the yard, too. This will kill all the grass, so you don't have to worry about maintaining the yard.

5 - Fight with your spouse/partner at 3am. Or 3 pm, doesn't much matter. Threaten violence. Breaking a few windows is good. Use the "b" word and the "c" word a lot.

4 - Play your music loud enough for me to hear it in my living room. I've got a pretty nice sound system, and a music collection i've spent 3 decades building. But i'm always looking for new music. Especially music that uses the word "muthafucka" a lot.

3 - Even better, use your car's sound system as your main music listening device. Park as close to my bedroom window as you can.

2 - Let your dog out at 6 in the morning to cruise the neighborhood, knocking over trash cans, and dumping on other people's lawns. Then tie him up with no food or shelter the rest of the day whether it's 15 degrees or 95 degrees, rain or shine. Ignore him when he starts howling for companionship at 4 in the morning.

1 - Be a landlord who allows all of these things to happen on his property. Profit margins are low in the landlord business, and hey, a guy's gotta eat, right.

Names and address of the landlords who fit the bill furnished on request. The fact that every item between 9 and 2 on this list is illegal certainly hasn't diminished the frequency with which they occur.

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