What a great case for fair use rights; much, much more useful than the original. Heh.posted by davejay at 2:24 PM on March 18, 2005

I clicked on the "30 Hottest Things" full of bile and scorn and ready to pour mockery over the entire list, and found myself agreeing completely with 29 out of 30 of them. (In fact, some of them would make me utterly melt.) And now I'm off the check out the "30 Least Hot Things"!

Most useless comment ever, this one, I think. Oh well.posted by jokeefe at 2:25 PM on March 18, 2005

*wipes tears of laughter away

Thanks graventy, this is very funny.

*goes off to check out rest of defective yetiposted by schyler523 at 2:28 PM on March 18, 2005

Shit, I should have read the Least Hot List first. Now I'm in hysterics, and have lost any will for romance... probably forever.posted by jokeefe at 2:28 PM on March 18, 2005

It's not on either list, but i find a pretty solid mood killer is "Wow, you're almost as hot as the chick I banged last night!"posted by Uther Bentrazor at 2:29 PM on March 18, 2005

The 30 hottest things to say to a naked guy are, well, not really printable.

Well, they are but somewhat outside the social norms of metafilter. Also I'm lazy.posted by delmoi at 2:30 PM on March 18, 2005

Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.posted by Eamon at 2:31 PM on March 18, 2005

I thought the best advice was "[fill in body part]", even if it wasn't meant that way. Let's face it, anyone who reads that original list hoping to learn from it is likely to need the basics as well.posted by George_Spiggott at 2:32 PM on March 18, 2005

My downstairs neighbors are by now used to hearing me cackle to myself while alone in the apartment, but they're probably scared now.posted by ori at 2:33 PM on March 18, 2005

Yes EB, as should "Right then, I'm going to go masturbate over the pile of dead Jews I keep hermetically sealed in my garage, weeping on their pustulating cadavers until I bleed".posted by Pretty_Generic at 2:52 PM on March 18, 2005

Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"

Check.

Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."

Oh now come ON, this excludes every single unclenched female. Bah! Check.

While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."

Only with an ex, but yeah, check.

Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.

Check.

3-4 others, but those were more variations on a theme.posted by Ryvar at 2:53 PM on March 18, 2005

Top ten hottest things for conservatives to say to naked each other:

1. Oh yeah, right in the heartland!
2. I've opened the reserves for drilling...
3. Squeeze my hand when you feel the Rapture.
4. No.
5. I'm so heterosexual right now.
6. Can I wear the hood this time?
7. Let's do it abomination style.
8. Mission accomplished!
9. Let the eagle soar. Cmon, cmon, let it soar, cmon......damn, I lost it.
10. Sorry.posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:04 PM on March 18, 2005

Was the original list supposed to be serious? "You're so hot"? Is the writer fifteen?posted by schroedinger at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2005

I like "don't ever leave me". It appeals to the stalker in me. I like to randomly call my girlfriend at work and just adamantly say "don't ever leave me" and then hang up. I know she finds it romantic. It also appeals to the infant in me too, as in "don't ever leave me mommy".posted by disgruntled at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2005

Ick. Ick ick ick ick ick ick ick. I don't think that there was anything on the real list that would not earn a long look of derision. And then I would leave. Canned comments are really, really gross. Gah. I feel skeeved just thinking about it.

The Men's Health forum entries (for the least sexy thing to say) were a lot better than the ones in the Defective Yeti piece... my favorite (in the former) was "Your sister was way better."posted by clevershark at 3:34 PM on March 18, 2005

The least hot thing I ever had said to me was "I will only sleep with you if promise to have an abortion in the event that you get pregnant with my kid."

Real mood-killer, that one.

Yeah, but oh so necessary. That's at least the next 5 or so years of a guy's life we're talking about here...what are you gonna do?posted by hellbient at 3:53 PM on March 18, 2005

Maybe I'm in the wrong mood to read the list of 30 least hot things to say but I didn't find a damned one of them to be even remotely funny.posted by fenriq at 4:03 PM on March 18, 2005

The worst thing ever said: "I'll be right back." He wasn't.

Damn that Rabbit Angstrom.posted by Ptrin at 4:07 PM on March 18, 2005

The burrito line really gets to me. I mean, I like burritos, and I want my future lover(s) to like burritos...but naked?!posted by graventy at 4:15 PM on March 18, 2005

Anyone but me find it odd that "I love you" didn't make the list? I know it's old fashion, but think about it. The word "love" only shows up once with "I love how you taste." Sure, the word gets thrown around like a Raggedy Ann doll in the backroom of a comic convention, but is it completely used up? Also I'd of thought something about smell would have popped up.

"You smell sweet as fresh cut grass on a hot summer day in that empty lot where everyone walks their dogs."posted by Neosamurai85 at 4:20 PM on March 18, 2005

1. Well, I am a Vegan, but for you... okay.
2. Who's ready for another slice of pie-wagon?
3. I adore the faint rustling our hairy legs make as they rub against each other.
4. Nothing to protest about there!
5. Four more years, four more years!
6. Don't blame me, I voted for Nader.
7. Obama mamma jamma! Woot!
8. I wanna see that Jackie-O face.
9. I feel your pain.

and...

10. Wow! A bush I don't hate!posted by FYKshun at 5:26 PM on March 18, 2005

FYKshun those are delightful. I'm glad somebody read my list! Jesus christ, I was going crazy! Not even an "lolz." We should be syndicated.posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:40 PM on March 18, 2005

We're usually too proud to give praise to each other.posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:48 PM on March 18, 2005

BlackLeotardFront, I was concerned they'd suggest something a little more painful than syndication.posted by FYKshun at 5:56 PM on March 18, 2005

And to round it out, the one Dave Letterman Top Ten List that made me completely lose it.

From Sep. 20, 2001: Top ten baseball phrases that sound like euphemisms for sex.

10. Working the rosin bag.
9. Comebacker.
8. Charging the mound.
7. Riding the pine.
6. Jerking one into the seats.
5. Coming from behind.
4. Doubleheader.
3. Going deep in the hole.
2. The big unit.
1. Visiting Busch Stadium.posted by eriko at 6:46 PM on March 18, 2005

Dudes, when your with a naked woman, my best advice is to SHUT THE FUCK UP. If she's naked with you, you've already succeeded. Just follow her lead from there on out.

I know next o nothing about women, but even I've learned that much.posted by jonmc at 7:09 PM on March 18, 2005

"I love how this burrito tastes... what? Oh yeah. Get your own".posted by palinode at 8:04 PM on March 18, 2005

You can pretty much tell how every date is going by the quality of the burrito that your date makes for you. Microwave? You ain't getting any tonight.posted by Arch Stanton at 8:15 PM on March 18, 2005

I like the idea of a Burrito Index for dating. Mostly because no matter how badly the date went, you'd at least get a burrito out of it.posted by palinode at 8:35 PM on March 18, 2005

"I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"

Actually, that sounds like a guy I'd want to date.posted by Miko at 9:02 PM on March 18, 2005

"Hold on, I'll go make you a burrito." Then pull out magic wand (no, not that one, I mean the one from that childhood magic set you've kept all these years), wave it over her/him and say "Abracadabra, you're a burrito!"

I knew that I could make that one less hot...

And kudos to both the Conservative and Liberal lists. Which, of course, gives me license to write...

and " The 10 least hot things you can say to a naked MeFite"
10. jrun error
9. Double post? No way.
8. Can I pour some cold refreshing Pepsi Blue all over you?
7. WTF, Matt?
6. *the complete text of any Ethereal Bligh comment longer than three paragraphs*
5. How would you dispose of the body without getting caught?
4. It looked better on preview.
3. We have cameras.
2. I want a pony.
1. This thread is closed to new comments.posted by wendell at 9:15 PM on March 18, 2005

Wendell, Number 11 must have been:

"I searched it first, I swear."posted by Miko at 9:23 PM on March 18, 2005

Number 12: "."

Number 13: [!] noise

Number 14: "Meta'd."

...and thanks, wendell, for positing that a MeFite can be wearing glasses and still be naked.posted by melissa may at 9:49 PM on March 18, 2005

BlackLeotardFront's list beats all.posted by 27 at 10:05 PM on March 18, 2005

[this is so fucking good I can't believe it]posted by scarabic at 10:11 PM on March 18, 2005

melissa, without our glasses, most of us wouldn't know the other was naked...

"Is it ok if I dig around in there to try to find the condom?"posted by drezdn at 8:25 AM on March 19, 2005

and now for something semi-different...

"The Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Monty Python Fan..."
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Is not.
You're a lumberjack and you're OK.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
Nudge, nudge, wink wink.
*don't say a word, just slap him/her with a fish*
Spam spam spam spam...
It's a dead parrot!posted by wendell at 10:27 AM on March 19, 2005

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