David Cameron calls it a day. Right. Good. He did not says right-ho. But he might have done. As @SimonNRicketts puts its: “I could watch it over and over. Your last moments as Prime Minister. Wandering off like Bertie Wooster going to get a sandwich…When British people realise things have gone a bit rubbish, they say “Right” very meaningfully.”

A slightly longer version of Cameron’s exit. There’s not only a ‘right’ but the classic follow-up ‘good.’ I adore it pic.twitter.com/w311FNKabL

You might not like David Cameron, but anyone sane should know that the fuss over his tax affairs is nonsense. The business pages of the Press – and the BBC’s own Money Box show – is full of tips on how to pay less tax and tax plan. In this video, the BBC speaks to tax expert James Quarmby. It slowly dawns on the financially illiterate BBC journalist that her big story is hollow:

More tax illiteracy in the Guardian, which has seen David Cameron’s tax return:

It’s not all hardship, though. The prime minister’s own party supports him where necessary, the returns reveal. Expenses met by the Conservative party have varied between £5,105 and £13,149, which have been declared as taxable benefits. They cover travel, clothes and other associated expenses for Cameron and his wife.

When the PM next berates Jeremy Corbyn over a shabby suit, the Labour leader will be able to reply that, unlike Cameron, he isn’t receiving a taxpayer subsidy for it.

No. He paid tax on his work clothes. Sheesh!

In other news, his m other didn’t fancy leaving her kids with big inheritance tax bill. Nothing illegal.

Did Ian Cameron, for it is he, seek advice from the same experts who advise the, er, Guardian? And isn’t seeking legal advice entirely sensible? We might not like schemes designed to cut tax bills, see them as “morally wrong” (source: Da. Cameron), but when did trying to stay on the right side of the law become a “revelation”?

When is a suit an expensive suit? That question to the Daily Mirror, which like most of us watched Prime Minister’s Question Time and heard David Cameron and Jeremy Corbyn sniping at one another.

Mr Corbyn asked if the PM would be “writing another letter to himself, asking on behalf of his constituents asking for the health secretary to intervene and support his local NHS?” The prime minister was heckled by a Labour MPs as he made his reply. One shouted, “Ask your mother.”

“Ask my mother?” said Cameron. “I think I know what my mother would say. I think she would look across the despatch box and she would say ‘Put on a proper suit, do up your tie and sing the national anthem’.”

In the Mirror this becomes, “Millionaire David Cameron has launched a bitter attack against Jeremy Corbyn for not wearing expensive suits.”

In other Daily Mirror news: “Suits you sir! Supermarket suits enjoying record sales… but which are worth the money?”

The Sunday Mirror enlisted Gabriel John of London tailors October House, who has dressed stars such as England footballer Scott ­Parker and Olympic cyclist Mark Cavendish, to give his verdict on suits under £60 plus a dinner suit for £75. He said: “For the price they are not a bad investment.”

You don’t need to be millionaire to wear a suit. Style is timeless. The Mirror told us that:

Style has no age limit – as the winners of our Glamorous Gran competition clearly demonstrate. We asked our readers to nominate their stylish nans then asked you to pick our worthy winners. And Margaret Docherty was your favourite Glam Gran. She scoops £1,000 to spend at 50-plus fashion brand JD Williams and a 12-month contract with modelling agency Mrs Robinson, which specialises in maturer models.

And Corbyn is a bit of a toff, as the Mirror reported:

…despite many thinking he may snub the event, Mr Corbyn did in fact arrive at the event wearing an outfit that would not look out of place in a Bullingdon Club portrait. As he arrived at the banquet…

Jeremy Corbyn earns £125,000 a year and lives in Islington, where terraced properties sold for an average price of £1,331,997 in 2015. He could wear a suit in the Commons. But he chooses not to. With money comes choice to create your own image.

You have undoubtedly head the scurrilous claim that David Cameron once put his member in a dead pig’s mouth (a claim made without a scintilla of evidence to support it). Well, in utterly unrelated news the Daily Mirror reports on piggy noises:

Mummy, why do the teachers make those noises? Well, kids, come closer…

David Cameron was once at a party where people were taking drugs. Probably. In “PM at coke party — Cameron embarrassed as stars did lines”, the Sun’s James Beal says Dave and Sam Cam were at at a party at a mate’s house. Someone who can remember being there tells the Sun:

“There were a lot of big names and A-list celebrities there. It was a pretty wild night and Dave and Sam were having a few drinks. As the night wore on, it became obvious quite a few people had been taking drugs.

“There were guests snorting cocaine in various rooms and in the toilets. Dave and Sam never touched the stuff. But you could see they were uncomfortable. I don’t think they felt they could intervene. The extraordinary thing is the guests didn’t feel they were doing anything wrong by taking drugs around the PM.”

Why would they? Indeed, it’s a pretty sound indictment of Dave that people feel relaxed in his company. No news of anyone slapping their dick in a dead pig’s face, as alleged in Lord Ashcroft’s book Call Me Dave, who also says Dave can “scratch a pig’s back so effectively that the creature sighs”. From Dave? From the pig? From the pollsters at Tory HQ, delighted that Dave is so actively wooing the youth vote.

Another “friend” arrives:

“I’d be astonished if Dave had not taken cocaine at some point. He’s been around it for a long time. He told me once about it being handed round at a Cotswolds dinner party. People were leaving the table and returning with bright eyes and dusty fingers.”

Dusty fingers?

“He was uncomfortable about it being so open but did not object. It was before he was an MP in 2001, but probably around the time he was a candidate. Cocaine was in plentiful supply in the late 1990s. If you were in your late 20s or early 30s and you were not taking it, you were in a minority. Once he decided to go into politics, my sense is he sought to move away from that crowd.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron placed his penis inside the head of a dead pig. Well, so says a ‘serving MP’, who adds, anonymously, that Cameron tapped the dead pig’s maw to enter an Oxford University dining society as a student. The club was the Piers Gaveston, so named after the apparently edgy lover of Edward II.

It’s not all that debauched, though, is it? Had the pig been alive at the time and had Cameron been trying to off it by choking the thing to death, you might have a story. As is it, we’ve got the kind of aside any abattoir worker would laugh off as ‘kid’s stuff’.

The anecdote features in Call Me Dave: The Unauthorised Biography Of David Cameron by Michael Ashcroft and Isabel Oakeshott.

Which makes us wonder if either writer ever read Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 72′, the writer’s reportage on the 1972 presidential campaign. Thompson writes:

In both the Ohio and Nebraska primaries, back to back, McGovern was confronted for the first time with the politics of the rabbit-punch and the groin shot, and in both states he found himself dangerously vulnerable to this kind of thing. Dirty politics confused him. He was not ready for it….

This is one of the oldest and most effective tricks in politics. Every hack in the business has used it in times of trouble, and it has even been elevated to the level of political mythology in a story about one of Lyndon Johnson’s early campaigns in Texas. The race was close and Johnson was getting worried. Finally he told his campaign manager to start a massive rumor campaign about his opponent’s life-long habit of enjoying carnal knowledge of his own barnyard sows.

“Christ, we can’t get a way calling him a pig fucker,” the campaign manager protested. “Nobody’s going to believe a thing like that.”

“I know,” Johnson replied. “But let’s make the sonofabitch deny it.”’

Also in Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’72, published in 1973, Thompson turns to the subject of journalism:

So much for Objective Journalism. Don’t bother to look for it here — not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.

There are a lot of ways to practice the art of journalism, and one of them is to use your art like a hammer to destroy the right people — who are almost always your enemies, for one reason or another, and who usually deserve to be crippled, because they are wrong. This is a dangerous notion, and very few professional journalists will endorse it — calling it “vengeful” and “primitive” and “perverse” regardless of how often they might do the same thing themselves. “That kind of stuff is opinion,” they say, “and the reader is cheated if it’s not labelled as opinion.” Well, maybe so. Maybe Tom Paine cheated his readers and Mark Twain was a devious fraud with no morals at all who used journalism for his own foul ends. And maybe H. L. Mencken should have been locked up for trying to pass off his opinions on gullible readers and normal “objective journalism.” Mencken understood that politics — as used in journalism — was the art of controlling his environment, and he made no apologies for it. In my case, using what politely might be called “advocacy journalism,” I’ve used reporting as a weapon to affect political situations that bear down on my environment.

Poli-Pix: a look at how the Party leaders are portrayed in the day’s national tabloids.

Once again the Daily Mirror features not a single photograph of Labour Party leader Ed Miliband. For a photo of Ed, you need to turn to the Tory-supporting Sun, where he occupies the front page. Today Ed is dressed as a member of the Bullingdon Club.

Can it be that the papers both agree that Miliband is a vote loser for the Labour Party?

The Mirror opts to lead with David Cameron.

Cameron is also inside the Mirror. He is “Bodge The Builder”. And like Bob The Builder, Cameron does look remarkably smooth and 2D.

Poli-Pix: a daily look at biased tabloid photos of the leading politicians.

Daily Mirror

The Daily Mirror has not a single photograph of Ed Miliband. Not one. You know your man is a vote loser when he’s kept hidden. The Labour supporting newspaper does, however, have this shot of UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Poli-pix: a daily look at how the big politcal party leaders are presented in the tabloids. Biased much? You betcha!

The Sun.

The Sun continues its theme of mocking up Labour Leader Ed Miliband. Today he’s a character from The Simpsons. But which one? The headline ‘D’oh’ suggests Homer Simpson, it being his catchphrase – but people like the tender-hearted buffoon so the Sun goes with a yellowy Miliband-type.

The Sun also says Ed Miliband is a ‘rose’ red colour. Make you mind up, Sunsters: yellow or red? Vote now!

Conservative Party leader David Camneron does much better. He’s in the pink. He’s gazing up at a rosy-fingered dawn. Maggie Thatcher is by his ear. What can she be saying? “Everyone can buy their own home, Dave?” says Maggie. “You can buy Number 10 if you really go for it and help big business. Google’s loaded!”

Daily Mirror

In the Mirror David Cameron is upsetting children. The stranger taking pictures of your kids is fine, though. He is fine. Checks have been made. Haven’t they?

The Daily Raheem Sterling delivers a bumper crop of news and views in the tabloids. Today Sterling coverage reaches peak tabloid as The Liverpool players is all over the Sun’s front and back pages.

On the front page we see a photo of Raheem holding an orange balloon to his lips. It’s party time, but there’s no jelly and ice-cream to go with this balloon. The Sun says Sterling is inhaling not exhaling. It says the balloon is “apparently filled with dangerous legal high ‘hippy crack'”. Inside the Sun, over two pages, we learn that the image comes from a short video in which Sterling inhales twice before he “seems to pass out”.

The Sun adds: “The footage is thought to have been filmed at his £1.5m home days before Liverpool’s Premier League clash with Newcastle”.

Apparenly. Seems. Thought. So much for the facts. What else do we know? Well, the Sun’s doctor Carol Cooper tells us that nitrous oxide, which is the more official name for ‘hippy crack’, can cause hallucinations and cause the user to lapse into a coma.

Anorak Towers marked the televised leadership debate in much the same way we do the Super Bowl: we went out. What did the tabloids do? Did they feature the big showdown between Labour Party leader ‘Red’ Ed Miliband and Tory Prime Minister ‘Blue’ Dave Cameron? And why was Cameron sat by a skip?

The Sun:

Politics fans need to wait until page 6 for any news of the Channel 4 and Sky show. Over half a page, readers learn that Cameron says he’s “not Chairman Mao”, the dead Chinese leader. Cameron wasn’t refetting to his hairstyle or suit, rather his resolve not to go on and on and on as the country’s political supremo.

As for Miliband, all Sun readers learn is that he won the coin toss and chose to go second. Also, he “flew in a US PR guru to help him”.

The review covers pages 6 and 7. Readers see three photos of “chicken” Cameron, one with his eyes closed. We learn that he is “clueless on food banks”. His chat with Jeremy Paxman was “humiliating”. He is a “lame duck”. It’s not until paragraph 11 that Ed Miliband appears. The Mirror only has one photo of him – and it’s an odd one of him pointing as if ordering the restaurant bill.

The Mirror mentions ‘Cameron’ by name 7 times; and ‘Ed’ just 4 times.

Page 8: David Cameron is “pitiful” and a “faintheart”. Ed gets no adjectives. He’s just ‘Ed’.

Daily Mail:

Wait for it… wait… News appears on Page 12 and 13.

We learn that Ed Miliband “came under pressure” on immigration.

The Mail cites a Guardian poll, saying 54% of people who respond to polls think he won the night.

Quentin Lett’s says Cameron “soaked up Paxman’s aggro, narrowed his eyes.. and refused to respond in kind. Miliband flared right back at the monster…”

But was it really that interesting?

Daily Express:

Page 9: The news is all about immigration. There is one picture of Cameron. There is not a single photo of Miliband.

Number of mentions of ‘Cameron’ by name: 6

Number of mentions of Miliband by name: 1

Daily Star:

The only front-page story on the debate. And the story is that “Paxo has stuffed Ed and Cam”. They both lost.

Page 2: It was a “snore draw”.

It was “drab”.

Verdict: the Daily Star nails it.

Note: The Guardian manages to conjure 11 stories from the debate. Does anyone read them?

In “Con Her Majesty’s Secret Service”, the Sun tells how a hoax caller managed to speak with the cheif of GCHQ and David Cameron. The Sun knows this because the – get this – hoax caller called the Sun and told them about it.

The caller, described as “boozy”, managed to contact “top spy” Robert Hannigan, Cameron before calling the Sun “to brag about it”.

He boasted he was drunk and on drugs but still got to speak to the chief of the GCHQ surveillance base.

“The Prime Minister ended the call when it became clear it was a hoax. In neither instance was sensitive information disclosed. Both GCHQ and No10 take security seriously and both are currently reviewing procedures.”

That spokesman, of course, could be a fake. But the anonymous caller can be totally trusted, telling the Sun:

“I’ve just made complete monkeys out of GCHQ. I’ve got the mobile number of the director. What’s more, I am off my face on booze and cocaine. I had some spliffs too.I’ve been up all night. I’m utterly wasted. Hilarious.”

But the best line comes from the Sun:

The man — who sounded well-educated and from the South East…

We’re looking for a well-educated Home Counties man on drugs. Seal the doors at Westminster. This looks like an inside job…

Celebrity chef Jack Monroe’s most recent story for The Guardian tells readers:

pizza with kale pesto recipe – I make a lot of pizza for the kids as a treat – and don’t feel at all guilty about sneaking wholemeal flour into the base and vegetables on top.

If the woman who cooks to a budget (one that’s getting bigger) doesn’t feel guilty about wholemeal flour in a child’s pizza (has she no conscience?), maybe her tweets with prick her into mental unrest.

A recent one opines:

Because he [David Cameron] uses stories about his dead son as misty-eyed rhetoric to legitimise selling our NHS to his friends: #CameronMustGo

In 2009, Mr Cameron’s six-year-old son Ivan, who suffered from cerebral Palsy and epilepsy, died.

We don’t know what young Ivan would have made of Monroe’s charm, but maybe she can create a Twitter account in the child’s name and use it to contact David Cameron and get her views across in a more sensitive manner?

ELLE magazine has a campaign. It wants men to wear T-shirts declaring themselves feminists. Ed Miliband pulled one on. Nick Clegg pulled one on. But David Cameron didn’t. Good for him. Perhaps he saw it for the bollocks it is. Or peharps he just thought ordering an Xtra Large a bit revealing.

NOR does Nick Clegg harbour any ambitions to shag around: which does rather raise the question of what on earth he’s doing in the Lib Dems of course. But of course that’s not quite what he’s really said: instead he’s said that he’d rather sleep with his wife than Ed Miliband or David Cameron.

Faced with the choice of “going to bed” with Ed Miliband and David Cameron in a new coaltion deal he would choose his wife “Miriam every single time”, Nick Clegg has said.

Well, yes, so would I of course. Either my wife or Clegg’s wife to be honest. In fact, we might be able to persuade the wives of David and Ed that they’d prefer Miriam: and wouldn’t that be a tape that would sell well?

But the real point to this story is that it’s now newsworthy when a politician says that he’s quite happy sleeping with his own wife. Blimey, whatever next eh?

LOOK out Boko Haram. You Islamist nutjobs have nothing our our Prime Minister, David Cameron. Sure, you’ve got over 200 girls in our dungeon in the wilds of Nigeria. Sure, you want to forcibly marry them off to be raped for your perverted view of spiritualism. But Dave has a hashtag. He has Twitter.

BACK in 20076, David Cameron was all for “green crap”, and we’re not talking about that unusual pile of poo on the rug.

Before he was PM, the leader of the Conservative Party led a team of huskies on the Scott-Turner glacier on the island of Svalbard, Norway. Cameron was visiting the Norwegian glacier to see the effects of climate change.

He went there by plane.

A year later, Dave got a wind tubine on his London pad:

Dave was green. Make no doubt about it. He started to be seen riding a bike.

His chauffeur chugged along behind. In the car: Dave’s shoes.

And he told us:

Can it be – and let’s stretch your minds – that Dave never did give a toss for the Greenies, that he was just using the trending topic to look in touch with public opinion? It wasn’t about detoxifying the planet; it was about detoxifying the Tories…