Path 2

Terrorists Are Officially Just Fucking With Us Now

June 7, 2010

The FBI is warning of a possible new terror tactic: per ABC News, a “battle of suspicious bags” is being encouraged on a jihadist website. The bags, while suspicious, might actually be filled with harmless items like water bottles, or socks — not with bombs.

After placing a suspicious bag in a suspicious location, the wannabe terrorists would stand aside to watch our response (Is anyone else thinking Candid Camera?), monitoring how we evacuate and how long it takes for emergency services to get to the scene…and, we imagine, laughing their heads off.

The terror aspect, of course, is that we’re presumably going to freak out whether or the bags actually include anything we should rightfully freak out about. Plus, saying something every time we see something (if the somethings are everywhere) could mean we’re no longer able to hold down jobs, or maintain relationships, or do much of anything besides reporting suspicious bags, which would be a truly boring sort of life. But if we stop reporting suspicious bags, the terrorists have won, no?

Anyway, so far, no evidence of a suspicious bag campaign has been found in New York City or Washington, D.C. But we’re keeping an eye out anyway. And frankly, if it’s a choice between this and actual bombs, we’ll pick the socks.