Whilst being in the depths of my depression and feeling the pain from Fibromyalgia, I’ve had no means of real escape, or anyone to whom I could really talk to, or even understand a part of what I was going through. I have been very much alone with my illnesses mentally, physically and emotionally, and writing this blog is part of my healing process.
Writing this is so important for me, and I hope by doing so, some readers may identify with what I have to say. Sx ☺

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Time to take notice!

Eleven years ago, in Aug 2003 I had
my breakdown. It is only now that I actually call it that. I never
really had a word for it before, but it was the biggest turning point in
my life.

And a break down it was, a complete and
utter break down of everything.

I had
seen it coming. I had felt the
vibes in me. I knew something
wasn’t right within my soul. So it
came as no great surprise that Monday morning, I walked towards my office with
the usual sense of foreboding, high blood pressure, rapid heart beat, heavy
breath, and anxiety, to find myself 30 minutes later in a heap… Having sat down at my desk, I knew I
had to see my doctor urgently, and within minutes of making that call, I was
struggling with life itself. I
remember the day so clearly, from the panic around me, to the fact that my team
leader drove me home, rather than call the ambulance that I so desperately
needed at the time.

After
a few weeks of being completed drugged out, Occupational health stepped in, and
organized 6 weeks of counselling with a local practice.That woman did more damage than
good!She opened up a whole can of worms
that should have been left alone, as she could not deal with the contents.She spent more time talking at me, than
to me, telling me what I should do, and so on and so on.I couldn’t wait to finish the 6 weeks
with her.It felt like unfinished
business, but I had no trust in her to truly open up.But at least one thing I did learn was that I was indeed
depressed.Just as my doctor had
told me.Initially, the very idea
of depression, was something I had been bemused by, but it soon dawned on me that
I was suffering, and as time went by, I realised just how bad I had it and for
how long I had really been suffering.

I was
appointed a psychiatrist, who I still see, and went on to attend other types of
counselling, but I didn’t really have the same issues as some of my peers; so I
never felt that I got anything out of it, except understanding the different
degrees or levels at which people can suffer.More importantly, I learnt that depression can last for
years and years, and some people don’t ever really get over it.Being myself, I had thought I would
recover in a few months, that I just needed a break, and here I am eleven years
later, still not out of the woods.

I was
very open about my illness.Many
people have thanked me for my candidness, and for being willing to talk about
it. I described depression like falling a series of steps, and acknowledged
that we all suffer from it at some time in our lives, but for most it will last
for a very short period of time i.e. falling down to the first step.But to the unfortunate ones, they fall
a lot further down, maybe even hitting the floor, and that’s when the true
problems can arise, that’s when we need the help of medication, to pull us out
of it.It is a chemical reaction
within our brain and body, there is nothing that we can do to help ourselves,
so there should be no shame or stigma just because of people’s ignorance.I became quite good at seeing it in
other people, and my honesty was was always welcomed and appreciated, because I understood.

A
doctor once said to me, that he best cures for depression are:

1. Sunshine

2. Exercise

3. Laughter

Three
things guaranteed to boost your mood, and make you feel better…If only it were that simple.Depression usually means that you have
stopped enjoying or take no pleasure in anything, because you feel so flat and
so low.So how do you summon up
the energy to get yourself motivated?It takes all “feel good” emotions away from you

Many
people were shocked in the way I had changed, I was no longer chatty or
humourous, I was very, very quiet and withdrawn, basically, I became the complete
opposite of the person I usually was.People questioned how I could be depressed, with having the nice house, a
good job and a lovely husband to boot, all the material things that make people
happy; because they simply could not understand how it could happen to me.After all, if I could get it, so could
they. I came to recognise who my real
friends were, and undertook a major housekeeping exercise, ridding myself of
negative forces around me.Cutting off people who thought they always knew what my problem was, and
had a cure for me, in fact it pretty much affected anyone that didn’t listen to
me.

About
18 months into my breakdown, I was assigned a Psycho- Therapist, for more
counselling, and this was the first step towards my recovery, and me getting my
life back. This amazing woman
named Margaret, held the keys to so many of my internal locks, and bit by bit
she encouraged me to match each key to a lock, to discover what was hiding
behind.It was then that realisation
finally took control.

I came
to accept just how broken I was, but always had it in my mind, that one day I
would be healed again.And that
thought kept a positive light burning inside of me, in spite of feeling like I
was surrounded by darkness.I am
so proud of myself, because I never lost my free spirit, I have remained so
focused throughout this illness, and I have emerged so much stronger than ever
before.

I am
so proud of myself, because I never lost my free spirit, I have remained so
focused throughout this illness, and I have emerged so much stronger than ever
before. Sx