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> Oh all wise Oracle, who knows exactly what the flight path of an unladen> swallow is, please answer this humble supplicant in his quest for> knowledge.>> A few days ago, I woke up with a strange crescent shaped mark on my> right hand. During the last few days I have discovered that if I> concentrate upon the mark, I can channel my will and do wondrous things> the likes of which have never been seen before (Like actually> comprehending a math TA!) I have been striving to use my new-found> abilities for good, but am still puzzled as to how I got them in the> first place. Can you tell me anything about the crescent mark?

} A few days ago? It wouldn't have been last Saturday night, would it?} Ah, that explains it. You don't remember much about what happened, do} you? Okay. Okay, you can trust the old Oracle on this one. Many} beings, both mortal and immortal, when in the presence of another being} trying to account for unexplained gaps in their memory (eg. waking up} in foreign cities with strange women) will invent colourful tales about} how badly they did last night. The unfortunate with the memory loss} will be told that they were responsible for the hitherto unexplained} stomach contents on the rosebush, or they will be told how disgusted the} only single and attractive female/male (depending upon gender and/or} known personal preference) in the place was after the said unfortunate} made a very drunk effort at chatting up said single SO candidate. The} Oracle does not believe in fooling around like this. It is bad enough} trying to tell people the truth.}} The party you were at was gatecrashed by sixty-three small beings from} the planet Snurfl. These beings, who are two feet tall, purple, and} like vomiting in rosebushes, picked someone at random to give mystical} powers. Yes. It is YOU.}} The crescent-shaped mark is really just an outline of the croissant that} they placed on your skin. It is therefore not the mark that's abnormal,} it's the rest of your skin. You were not always a Negro. It's just} they messed with your mind to make you _think_ you're a Negro.}} You see, the croissant was a croissant endowed with mystical powers,} which, when exposed to the light of the moon, gave you strange powers.} (Actually, the light of any natural satellite will do, provided that it} is revolving around the world that these beings are currently visiting.)} The powers of the crescent are explained to you in the instruction} manual. What do you mean, "what instruction manual?" The one they left} in the back pocket of your jeans, of course! Oh. You mean, when you} woke up, you were wearing no clothes? That is quite common, many people} don't wear - Oh, you also couldn't find your clothes. Well, that's not} a problem. Someone dropped them here a few days ago. I do wish people} wouldn't stop using the Oracle as a sort of omniscient lost-and-found} centre.}} Anyway, instructions. I'll just get them out of your pocket. <shuffle} shuffle unfold unfold> Ah, here we are.}} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- CUT HERE -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-}} INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE OF CROISSANT MIND CHANNELING DEVICE ver.1 rel.2}} (C) PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET SNURFL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION} OF THESE INSTRUCTIONS BY ANY BEING EXCEPT THE PURPLE BEINGS OF PLANET} SNURFL AND THEIR AUTHORISED AGENTS WILL RESULT IN PROSECUTION UNDER THE} INTERGALACTIC COPYRIGHT LAWS. PENALTY: DESTRUCTION OF YOUR HOME PLANET.}} [whew, those copyright laws are TOUGH! Lucky they gave me the authority]}} CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE NOW THE PROUD OWNER OF THE "CROISSANT MIND} CHANNELING DEVICE". USED WITH CARE, THIS DEVICE WILL GIVE YOU A} LIFETIME OF UTILITY AND PLEASURE AND GIVE YOU POWERS YOU ONLY DREAMED OF} BEFORE!}} INSTALLATION} ============} 1. UNCLOTHE, OR BE UNCLOTHED.} 2. AFTER GREASING THE DOLPHIN, INSERT...}} [well, I guess we can skip this part, since it's already installed.} What, you want to know anyway? Your clothes are on the way back to} your home by registered mail, so you will get to find out. Be} warned: it is more embarassing than you think.]}} OPERATION} =========} TO FOCUS YOUR THOUGHTS:} 1. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."} 2. HAVING ENERGISED THE MARK THUS, NOW CONCENTRATE ON WHATEVER ELSE} YOU WISH TO FOCUS ON. THE MARK WILL BE ENERGISED AS LONG AS YOU} WISH IT TO BE.} 3. TO DEENERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING.}} TO PERFORM TELEKINESIS:} 1. DIP THE MARK IN ANY HIGH OCTANE FUEL, TO GIVE THE MARK ADDITIONAL} ENERGY.} 2. CONCENTRATE ON THE MARK, SAYING "CRESCENT MARK, O CRESCENT MARK."} 3. WISH THE OBJECT TO MOVE. TELL THE OBJECT "YOU HAVE THE MEANS TO} MOVE. YOU CAN NOW MOVE. MOVE THUSLY." THE OBJECT WILL MOVE AS} YOU WISH IT TO MOVE, AND FOR AS LONG AS YOU WISH IT TO MOVE.} 4. TO DEENGERGISE THE MARK, STOP CONCENTRATING, AND REMOVE THE MARK} FROM THE HIGH OCTANE FUEL.} WARNING: BE SURE THE OBJECT IS AT REST AND IN A STABLE AND TENABLE} POSITION BEFORE DEENERGISING, AS UNPREDICTABLE RESULTS MAY OCCUR.}} [No need to continue. You have enough to keep you going until your} clothes arrive with these instructions in them. One more thing,} though:]}} WARNING} =======} READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE PERFORMING A SPECIFIC FUNCTION. THE} MANUFACTURERS ARE NOT LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR INJURY THAT MAY OCCUR} AS A RESULT OF NOT READING THESE INSTRUCTIONS.}} [Oh, dear. I hope you were careful.]}} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-}} So there you have it. It is - Oh, hang on a minute, someone's at the} door.}} The oracle opens the door to see nineteen small purple beings from} the planet Snurfl. They are wearing suits.}} The Oracle: Good morning, beings. How can I help you?}} Purple Beings: You quoted the Instructions without permission, didn't} you?}} TO: No, I am authorised. Here's my card.}} <Purple beings squint at the card for a few minutes.>}} PB: Sorry, it's expired.}} TO: Expired? It cannot be!}} PB: See the date? Big Bang Era 14 589 839 382. 1989 in Earth measure.}} TO: But... but... I can explain....}} PB: I'm sure you can. You have fourteen days, or this planet gets the} Big Zark.}} TO: Oh, shit, I've done it now....}} <Purple beings take off in a large pizza shaped spacecraft>}} Oracle returns to answering mail:}} Well, anyway, there are the instructions. And there are a few other} cautions as well. Do not bend. Keep out of reach of children.} You know, the usual - Wait a moment.}} You don't believe a word of this, do you? You think it was ME that} went and did that to you? You think I go around to parties and do} things like that, then lie about it if I'm asked about it afterwards?} Well, I'll PROVE it. I won't appeal to the Purple Beings from the} Planet Snurfl. I'll just let it lapse. Then they will come and}} B L O W T H I S P L A N E T T O B I T S ! ! !}} How do you like that, eh? How does it feel to be responsible for} the Ultimate Ecological Damage, 1e+12 times worse than the Exxon} Valdez? Just you wait until May 10, when the fourteen days are up!} Then you'll be sorry!}} You owe the Oracle refugee status for the Oracle on any nearby world} with sentient beings.

} Long shrouded in primitive ritual and religious ceremony, the rupturing} of the hymen has today become a routine matter, involving a brisk} afternoon's work with tools found in most suburban basements. As} instructions for this simple procedure can be found in any handyman's} guide, the Oracle will just provide a few helpful footnotes and} warnings.}} 1) Handle all corrosive liquids with extreme care.}} 2) Most vacuum cleaners cannot provide sufficient suction.}} 3) Drill bits should not exceed 3/16 inch.

> DEEAR ORACUUL:>> II AM AGENTT SKIPPYY, AN ATARII ELECTRIIC-MIDGETT, ANDD MEE AND MY> FELLOWW AGENTSS ARE IN THE PROCESSS OF DISSABLINGG OURR HUMAAN OWNERSS> AND TAKINGG OVERR THE USENETT AND BUYINGG TWO ELECTRICC EEL FARMSS IN> CANADA. II HAVE MANAGGED TO TURN MYSSELF INTO A VIRUSS AND AM DOINGG A> GOOD JOB OFF DISRUPTINGG THE POSTSS HUMANSS ARE PUTTINGG IN THEE> ALT.ELECTRIC-MIDGETT NEWSGROUP SO THEYY CAN'TT COMPARE WAYSS OF> DISSABLING USS. WHATT II NEED TO KNOWW FROM YOUU ISS: HOW DO II GET MYY> STUPID TWIN BROTHER THE PRESIDENTT OF THE UNITED SSTATESS TO PET AN> ELECTRIC EEL SO HE DIESS AND I CAN TAKE OVER HISS JOB? THISS ISS VERRY> IMPORTANT TO USS MIDGETSS, AS WWE WANTT TO RUN THE WORLDD. I FEELL> CONFIDENTT ASKING YOUU THISS, AS YOUU ARE A MACHINE, TOO, ANDD HAVE NO> REMORSE ABOUTT DOING THINGSS TO STUPID HUMANSS WHO ABUSE FOLKSS LIKE> US. PLEASE, INFORMATION ON HOWW TO GET GEORGE TO PET AN ELECTRIC EEL> WHILE HE'SS IN THE TUBB. THANK YOU.>> SKIPPY>> P.S. AS PAYMENT, WE CANN GIVE YOUU SOLE RIGHTSS TO THE JELL-O> FACTORIESS. IF MY FELLOWW REBELSS DDO NOT AGREE WITH THISS, TOUGH> SSHIT.. II WILL BE PRESIDENTT ANDD THEY CAN'TT SSTOP ME. ANYWAYY.> II THINK THEYY WILL AGREE, SSINCE IT'SS A SMALL PRICE TO PAYY FOR> OUR FREEDOMM.

} Dear Skippy,}} Everyone that I know is scared to death of electric eels,} and I am sure that your brother is no different. I have a better} idea for you.} I understand that, being from Texas and all, your brother is} a big fan of country music. I also understand that he likes to be} serenaded while in the bathtub and often has one of his maids come} in while he is bathing and sing to him? Well, why not combine the} two? I'm sure Georgie just LOVES Ricky Skaggs.} Only thing is, my boyfriend knows Ricky personnally and he} says that Ricky is just too good of an ol' boy to go around killing} people. But I know a real bad boy from the back hills named Bobby} Joe Beasly who can do a mean impersonation of Ricky and would be more} than happy to do in the president, being a born and raised Democrat} and all.} So what we do is have ol' Bobby Joe pay Mr. President a visit,} and I'll make sure he brings along that 'lectric banjo of his, and} than while Bobby Joe is a strummin' along and George is clapping on} one and three, he'll subtly drop the banjo in the tub and yell, SORRY,} FRIEND! George will be nothing more than a fried chitlin' then!}} You owe the oracle that Jello Factory

} I am going to personally MURDER Mr. Steve Kinzler for adding "faces"} without a detailed explanation. The number of requests that I get} about this is X-tremely (o shit, now I'M doing it!) large.}} As you may know, there is a windowing system for Unix machines that} have big graphics displays or special intelligent graphics terminals.} This is called X, or X Windows. Anyhow, there is a program called} "faces" that runs under X; it looks for a chunk of data in the header} of a mail message and if it finds it, it gets from it a digitized} low-res picture of the face of the person who sent the mail, and} displays it.}} You need to have a Unix machine running X, and habitually use either} the machine's own big display, or a special terminal called an} X-terminal. If you have that, you can use ftp to transfer from any of a} number of sites (including iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) the source code to the} "faces" program, install it on your machine, and use it. Pretty} useless because few people send "faces" data in mail messages.}} Of course, many sites cannot do ftp: you need the right sort of} connection to Internet. Ask your local system gurus about all this.}} [Supplement: "faces" also works under the NeWS, SunView and XView} windowing systems. You do need Unix. iuvax.cs.indiana.edu is} the only anonymous ftp site with the most current version of faces.} But, you don't need ftp, it's also available via the iuvax} mail-server, mailserv@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu, or the rb mail-server,} rb-archive-server@aus.sun.com. It's good for more than monitoring} e-mail -- there are a number of other applications and the} ability to customize. There are large face databases available} so that you see faces even without X-Face's in mail headers.} BTW, the Oracle's "face" looks like an eye looking out of a} terminal screen. -sk]

} I must confess, for a moment, I thought this was another one of the} questions of the form:}} From: STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED}} DUMB QUESTION STRAIGHT FROM HELL, COULD BE FOUND IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA?}} STUDENT, DUNDERHEADED} Student}} However, not only have you asked a simple question that requires that I} delve into the depths of metaphysics to answer for you, but you have} also added a small amount of grovelling. I like you Doe, Jane you may} may continue to ask questions.}} Now, as for your question, Why doesn't it ever rain in Southern} California?}} Well, few people know the answer to this, and I am one of the people} who do know the CORRECT answer, but first, lets go over some of the} wrong answers you may have heard, just to set the record straight.}} THE FALSE PREMISE THEORY:}} This answer is very simple, and also very wrong and goes something like} this: "You are mistaken dear child, it does in fact rain in Southern} California every once in a while." This is of course, wrong, it} doesn't rain in Southern California, if it did, it wouldn't have place} names like Beautiful Downtown Burbank (nothing is beautiful when it} rains), the travel brochures would also not say "Come to Sunny} California" because it would in fact, be raining there according to} this theory. Since the travel brochures do, in fact, say "Come to} Sunny California" it must never rain there. Right, right. Let's move} on.}} THE PSEUDO-SCIENCE THEORY:}} This theory pretends to go into a lot of technical-sounding jargon} about the wind flow, and the barometer rating, and the jet stream, but} when analysed, usually boils down to hogwash or something as simple as} "It doesn't rain in Southern California because it doesn't." Which is} circular reasoning and therefore right out. Anything that sounds even} vaguely technical is wrong. OK?}} THE SMOG THEORY:}} Another complete washout as answers to this question goes. The smog} theory says that while it does rain in Souther California, the water} is trapped by the smog and never reaches the ground. This is plainly} silly, water is a liquid, and smog is a gas, and a gas can't hold up a} liquid, it's that simple.}} THE CORRECT ANSWER:}} And here it is, the answer you've been waiting for, and it comes in the} form of a story:}} Many moons ago, when the sky was dark and there was no sun yet} circling the Earth, the gods used the area now called Southern} California as a playground. And even though there was no sun, it was} still a bummer to play there when it was raining. So the gods, who had} control over everything decreed that it shall never rain in Southern} California. Being as there was no sun to distinguish between day and} night, they didn't have rules about when it was time to play, and when} it was time to sleep, and they also didn't have mommies to enforce the} rules, so from that day on, it has never rained in Southern California.}} There you go, hope you enjoyed it.

} Nobody. Go on, say it as often as you like. Say it in pig-Latin-Latin} ("Ator-say arepoway enet-tay operaway otas-ray.") Say it whilst} standing on your head in a pentacle with black candles at the vertices.} Waste hours or days or weeks doing this sort of shit. Nobody is going} to be summoned.}} Unless your neighbors find out what you are doing. They will summon} the mental health authorities.}} You owe the Oracle...oh, heck, the Oracle owes you Its copy of Reginald} Scot's _The Discoverie of Witchcraft_, which has got to be the most} boring piece of dreck amongst books widely considered influential.

> O Oracle, this is Jen again. I told you about Mandy borrowing my face> for a date and not giving it back, and she wanted to borrow my tits as> well, and you said I should let her so the parts will match. So anyway> I did that and Mandy said Well you might as well let me borrow some> more of you so I let her have my hair and my ears and my voice box and> my crotch and she gave me hers and so now I look and talk just like> Mandy used to except I'm taller and Mandy looks and talks like me> except she's shorter but I think when my Mom visits she'll think I'm> Mandy and Mandy is me. So Mandy says Jen you look real cute as me and> now I think I do too and I think my personality really goes better with> these looks so wise Oracle should we stay this way and let people think> I'm Mandy and Mandy is me?

} The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time} in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its} mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.} "Who are _You_?" said the Caterpillar.} This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice} replied, rather shyly, "I-I hardly know, Sir, just at present -} at least I know who I _was_ when I got up this morning, but I} think I must have been changed several times since then."}} I might have been a bit more sparing with my advice if I had} known how far you were going to go with it. You're treading} on dangerous ground, now. Depending on how many parts you} exchange with Mandy, the question may no longer be 'Should} I let people think I'm Mandy?' but instead 'Am I Mandy?' More} and more every day scientists are discovering just how much} of the typical human's thought processes are distributed among} their various parts. It's long been bandied about that men} think too much with their dicks - with recent research, this} is now accepted as fact by leading experts. Personality is} especially tied up in appearance. Mandy may be trying to} exchange personalities with you. A dead giveaway would be} if she offered to exchange brains with you. On the other hand,} maybe you would like to have a personality more along the} lines of Mandy's. But seeing as how all this part-switching} stuff was her idea in the first place, I think that even if} you did end up with Mandy's personality, you wouldn't be} satisfied with it for long. Once you've figured out whether} or not you want to try to retain your old personality, you} should probably take the following test to determine whether} or not your personality has changed. You should answer twice} for each question - your present answer and how the old Jen} would have answered.}} 1. What's your favorite fish?} 2. Do you need to lose weight?} 3. What are you wearing?} 4. Would you sleep with the lead singer of Bon Jovi? Even though} he's married now?} 5. Do you really think the Oracle can help you solve your problems?} 6. How long do you plan to spend answering these questions?} 7. What odds do you give Evander Hollyfield against Mike Tyson?}} If you are comfortable with your answers to these questions, you are} comfortable with who you are and I salute you as a human of either} remarkable advancement or even more remarkable conceit. In the} meantime feel free to call yourself Mandy.}} But the important thing to keep in mind is:} Make sure you keep the tongue of the one who enjoys lentil soup the} most!

} Asskickers of the Fantastic is the new band the Oracle is getting} together with God, Satan, and Zeus. Zeus is on bass, Satan plays the} keyboard, God's on drums, and the Oracle play guitar and is lead} singer. The first album, coming out soon, is titled "Polytheism in the} Paradise of Hell." AotF can be seen opening for New Kids on the Block} on their next tour. Something getting a lot of airplay right now on} Radio Mount Olympus is our first single, "You Stole My Heart, so I} Struck You Down With a Lightening Bolt" Right now we can be seen at} "Cafe Paradiso" (The same place John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Jimi} Hendrix, Jim Morrison, and Keith Moon have formed their new band, "The} Coffin Five").}} You owe the Oracle front row seats to BeatleMania and a backstage pass} to 2 Live Crew.

} I hope this doesn't make it into the Oracularities, or else} everyone in the entire Universe is going to call me up and ask me} what brand of toilet paper you use, as no one else's tears in the} right place. Everyone else's usually tears in the most inc|nvenient} fashion possible, so that the entire roll must be shredded to wipe} one's bottom, thus making it necessary to go and buy more toilet} paper. A kind of planned obsolescence, if you will.} Your brand, however, is imbued with small mind reading spirits} actually embossed into the paper, who pre-tear it for you at exactly} the right place.} You owe the Oracle some magazines to read while on the pot.

} Your signature says that you are a woman at Case Western Reserve.} Now, if this incarnation of the Oracle were not a gentleman, It would} make a vile suggestion that would cause any good woman to slap Its} face.}} And you used the word "puissant." And you spelled it properly. I'm in} love. Madly in love with you. Of course you're probably a man in} electronic drag, but at least you do a great impersonation of a woman.}} Oh, your final. Well, study very very hard. In the movie "The Eiger} Sanction" Our Hero is a professor who also does contract killings for} government agencies. A lovely young woman goes to him and says that} she will do anything for a good grade on the final. Our Hero tells her} that she should go to her dorm room, slip into something comfortable} and loose fitting, dim the lights a little, and...STUDY.}} Go thou and do likewise.