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Friday, 31 July 2009

Today we are ditching the hi-viz in memory of Sir Bobby. Dress code will be England shirts or, if you prefer, Ipswich or PSV Eindhoven. After May's events, Liverpool fans may wish to wear Barcelona colours.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Many people are now on the edge of their seats wondering what to do about Swine Flu - which is why, implausible as it may sound, "Swine Flu Policy" is now the number 1 Google search that finds this website.

This combines with today's report that sensible drinking limits are being ignored. Which begs the question - which is more dangerous? Binge drinking or Swine Flu?

Certainly when it comes to driving the evidence is clear - it is more dangerous to drive while suffering from flu than when drunk. However - this is not justification for drink-driving - rather it is a warning that one should not try to "make it in" like some kind of martyr.

If you reckon you've got flu, stay at home. If you're more dangerous than some bridge-playing town councillor who's overdone the Pinot Noir, you shouldn't be in your car, no matter how heroic you feel. Don't come to the Community "because I didn't want to let anyone down".

And don't attend Pouring Out of Beakers if you're infected. I know we have a small hard-line group of fundamentalists who believe that if you're taking part in a religious ceremony you're immune from disease - but don't. Just don't take any notice of them. These people are living in a make-believe world. Let's face it, this community has another bunch of fundamentalists who believe there's a gibbon living on the moon.

Many people swear by whisky as a cure for flu. I can't help reflecting that, if this were really the case, the NHS wouldn't be going to all that trouble to develop vaccines and lay in Tamiflu. The Government would instead be stock-piling Famous Grouse and primary schools would be issued with Laphraoig (it smells like TCP so it would just fit much better in a school environment). None of these things have happened, so let's assume that it's not true.

It would appear that our latest attempt to calm Swine Flu paranoia has also backfired. Now we can't get people to go within 100 yards of the Pit of Beakers, because they think that it is accumulating virus. Even if the Beakers were infected with flu virus - which they're not, since the only people touching them are wearing safety suits, masks and rubber gloves - but even if they were, the virus doesn't live for ever. Otherwise you couldn't move without catching it. To try to accommodate these people, we are now broadcasting the Breaking of Beakers by webcam in the Great Hall.

Monday, 27 July 2009

The protective apparatus and generally sterile atmosphere of the ceremony yesterday, far from giving people confidence that all steps are being taken to protect their well-being, actually caused further fear and trepidation. Now everybody is terrified to go near the used beakers after each ceremony of Filling up of Beakers, in case they have been cross-contaminated.

We are therefore introducing a new ceremony - the Breaking of Beakers. We have just finished digging a seven feet deep hole, down onto the underlying Greensand. After each ritual pouring of beakers, the vasifer will bring the beaker outside the boundaries of the Orchard, stand at the edge of the hole, and sling the beaker into the depths to break.For the time being it is just a silly ritual to appease the panic of the middle-class Daily-Mail reading Worried Well. But give us a few weeks and we'll probably think of some kind of spiritual justification for it all.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

In line with governmental advice on swine flu, and taking into account the air of paranoia and near-hysteria which has led three members of our community to seal themselves in large plastic bubbles in the garden - we have made the following changes to the order of procession for filling up and pouring out of beakers.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

I believe we have the answer to the Beagle 2 mystery. You may remember all the excitement when Beagle 2 was launched, how it was going to be a worthy successor to Darwin's ship, and the confusion as to what happened to said Mars explorer when it went off the radar in December 2003. Indeed, with much of the project taking place at the Open University, some of our more scientifically-literate Folk went along to see what was happening. This was before Hnaef caused all that trouble with the nude bathing at the Comparative Religion workshop and we got banned.

We now believe we know what happened. To Beagle 2, that is. We've no idea what Hnaef was up to.

This afternoon we were preparing for our Barbecue in honour of Ss Joachim and Anne - favourite saints of the Beaker Folk on the grounds that all the details of their lives and even their names are completely made up. The barbecue we've been using for the last six years unfortunately blew up in the Midsummer Hydrogen Balloon Festival, so Drayton was scrabbling around at the back of the garage looking for the old one.

It now seems that the reason that Prof Pillinger did not receive any signals from space, is because our barbecue does not have any kind of radio transmitting devices attached.

Embarrassing, I suppose, but at least we have the excuse to go and buy a new barbecue. Meanwhile, somewhere on Mars, a little green man is trying to work out how to get firelighters to work in an oxygen-poor atmosphere.

We'll be burying that pile of old electronics we found in the garage in the Orchard, before MI5 come round. Let's be hearing no more about it.

Friday, 24 July 2009

As Beaker People will know, we have a six-colour scheme to identify the level of danger of vandalism from drunks wandering around the village. Not that we worry too much - just the odd sweet paper thrown over the fence, or a tea bag lobbed at the Assistant Arch-Executive Druid. Or someone writing a rude word on the shed.

Now we are into the summer holidays, we are downgrading from Magenta to Puce. Or, in the older, less exciting way of categorising these things, from "Terrifying" to "Niggling".

Thursday, 23 July 2009

So in total over the New Moon festivities:Two people fell off the "Apollo 11 ladder" activity;

One person had his jute bag dragged into the shredder while still wearing it over his head, suffering nasty jarring injuries;

Three people had a pebble dropped on their heads from trees by people climbing down the Apollo 11 activity. These people should not have taken their pebbles up the trees; no-one was meant to be confusing the worship stations in this way;

Two people collided while riding space hoppers with bags on their heads.

The lesson from this is that we probably ought to give up on bags on heads during worship. There's probably a reason why it's never caught on.

To commemorate the appalling actions of the so-called "Neil" Armstrong and his co-conspirator against all that is sacred, Buzz Aldrin, we mark this New Moon as a day of repentance and despair.

The Gibbon Moon Folk are of course already in this condition, as they are every New Moon. On this occasion we have chosen to join them.

You have the choice of a number of worship stations, hopefully a safe distance apart in the Ceremonial Paddock:

"New Moon Moonwalk" - in this area you can recreate the first moon walk, in a manner suitable to a new moon, by bouncing around on space hoppers while wearing bags on your head.

"One small step" - recreate that historic and shameful day by climbing down a rickety ladder out of the Big Oak, in a manner suitable to a new moon, by wearing a bag on your head.

"Lunar Taize" - join in the interminable singing of "O Lord Hear Our Prayer", accompanied by an out-of-tune banjo and a bodhran player with no rhythm, in a manner suitable to a new moon, by wearing a bag on your head.

"Astronaut Shredder" - express your disgust at the moon landings by pushing pictures of the so-called "Eagle" into a shredder. With a bag on your head.

"Moon Rock" - consider the beauty of the moon, in its absence as it's New Moon, by looking at small round pebbles of chalk, in a manner suitable to a new moon, with a bag on your head.

"The Game of Trust" - negotiate your way around the trees in the orchard, by obeying the commands of your partner in the game, to learn how we must all trust one another. NB - no bag on your head for this one, we don't want anyone getting hurt.

For reasons of environmental friendliness and to avoid suffocation, do not use supermarket carrier bags or any other plastic bags. We don't want a repeat of what happened to Drayton last year. Well maybe some of us might, but without the resuscitation this time. Instead we will be using authentic Druidic Earth Love Jute Bags, available for only £10 each at the Beaker Boutique. We'll ceremonially throw them on the fire at the end of the night's activities, thus guaranteeing what Burton so amusingly refers to as an ongoing income stream

Monday, 20 July 2009

Liturgical Colour: White Flannels. The Acolytes may each carry a stump, while the Archdruid carries her favourite Slazenger bat.

The Gathering

Archdruid: Haddin may last for the night

All: But Freddie striketh in the morning.

Archdruid: We have waited for many generations. Our parents told us of the day when the English beat the Aussies at Lords. Who could believe what has been revealed before our very eyes, courtesy of Sky Sports and the BBC Website?

All: Truly wonders are seen. Flowers have appeared in the earth. The time of singing hath come. And the voice of Henry Blofeld is heard in the land.

Archdruid: A reading from the Book of Aggers.

Hnaef: And Blofeld said unto him "My dear old thing - verily a pigeon flieth across the ground, and the number of red buses is nigh unto four score that we have seen since last Thursday. And lo - a plane passeth on its way from Heathrow. Maybe it carrieth holidaymakers unto the city of Rome, or even unto Athens or Jerusalem. Don't the trees look nice in the sunlight?" And indeed, as Blofeld rambled on, the English team smote the Aussies one last time and walked from the field rejoicing. But Blowers noticed not. And great was the wailing and gnashing of teeth, in Sydney, Canberra, Brisbane and even unto Earls Court.

40 years ago today, humanity dared to cross the final frontier - to boldly go where they shouldn't have gone - to the moon. Like we hadn't made enough of a mess down here already, we had to spread our rubbish elsewhere.

Not content with cocking up their lines, leaving their space junk all over the place, and bouncing around like kids in a bouncy castle - the subsequent trespassers who followed made the ultimate insult. They played golf. A game sutable only for old blokes who can't quite manage the last four holes.

They spoiled our serene Luna. Ever since, the quiet beauty of this other world has been tarnished by the knowledge that the size 9s of the so-called "Neil" Armstrong have been all over it. Once more mystery was sacrificed to macho posing and a lust for conquest. At this we weep and live in its shadow all the days of our lives. If only we could wash the moon with lye, and rinse it with our tears.

One would also have expected that the moon landing would have prevented the myth of the Moon Gibbon from ever occurring - after all, if the astronauts have been to the moon where was the Gibbon? But the Gibbon people are quite clear on this. They say the Gibbon lives on the dark side. They may well be right.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

In view of the nationwide hysteria and apprehension, I thought it was best to publish this Swine Flu Policy.

1. In the event that you start to feel a bit unwell, take to your room and stay there. Text the office helpline to inform us that you believe you may be a danger to yourself and others. Hnaef will come round, lock the door, and push pitta breads, cream crackers and other flat foods under the crack in the door. For hygiene reasons these will no be on plates. The water in your rooms is almost certainly suitable for drinking, but then let's face it even if it's not it's the least of your worries. We will be charging a flat-rate room-service fee of £10 per day excluding food.

2. If the case is genuine, and the doctor prescribes Tamiflu, we'll push them under the door as well.

3. Anyone faking flu to get out of doily duty will be eligible for double doily duty when they're back.

4. Exchanging kisses of peace, hugs, excessive handshaking and holding hands during blessings are all banned for the interim. The "interim" may be defined as considerably longer than the pandemic lasts, just to be on the safe size. This may curtail certain of the Fertility Folk's activities, so they're let off. They spend most of their time outside anyway so they're probably least likely to catch it.

5. Anyone sneezes on me, I'll smash their face in. Actually, on second thoughts, I'll get Young Keith to. He's probably more resistant.

6. Anyone claiming that Swine Flu is the wrath of God/gods/unspecified divine beings/Being are nutters. Treat them accordingly.

7. Sharing of the Beakers is out. Terracotta does not kill the virus, whatever you may have heard.

8. Anyone going around smugly telling everyone else how they "got it in '55 so looks like I'm OK" should shut up. Even if you don't catch flu, you're old.

Yet another miracle for our newly-erected "Tent of Wonder". The remarkably life-like image of Elvis in his Las Vegas days, captured in a cream cracker, will nowbe joining Princess Diana of the Pebble and the Doily Michael Jackson. Some people would no doubt claim that in these days of Swine Flu people are clinging onto whatever they can to give themselves hope and belief. We say "phooey". Tea lights in the Tent of Wonder will be £1.50 each. I know they're only 20p elsewhere in the community, but then these tea lights have been blessed by the presence of Diana, Elvis and Michael.

A bit of a bust-up in the Worship Zone, as we have now designated the Old Library while the new Moot House is being erected. Borgo's refusal to join in singing "Jesus is my boyfriend" and "I just want to grow into one of God's flowers", was just rude. Also when we expected everyone to join hands with the people either side of him, he kept his arms folded.He did explain afterwards that it's not that he thinks Hnaef is repulsive, not is he shying away from his feminine side, it's just that he doesn't think holding hands with male Assistant Executive Druids is for him. As we told him, he's just not understood that part of our mission is to remove those nasty aggressive tendencies from men, remove their dislike of hugging, get them discussing their feelings, in touch with their inner selves - well, basically, just make them more like women. For some reason Borgo has a problem with this, and has removed himself from this community. It's a shame to see him go but at least the smell of sweat will not be so noticeable in the Dining Room this evening.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Truly we live in an age of wonder! At the "getting in touch with your touchy-feely side" seminar, everybody was given a pebble to meditate on. And Gilfrith's pebble definitely had the face of Princess Diana in it! We are putting it alongside the Michael Jackson Doily in the Doily Shed shrine. Please can all Beaker People note, we are implementing the Emergency Additional Souvenir Staff protocol. Code Orange. Please can all Beaker Folk with Beaker Names G - N be at their posts at 7am sharp tomorrow.

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Once again, the Julian obsessives have cocked up over timing. Oooh let's have a Julian ceremony and have hazelnuts, they say. Then they organise it in July, when all the hazelnuts are still tiny and green and definitely not to be picked.

So not to be stopped they go to Waitrose and get a packet of shelled hazelnuts. It's not really the same, is it? And they hand out one everybody associated with the Occasion.

But the odd thing was, just as Elbreth was going into anaphylactic shock due to her allergy, somebody saw Princess Diana's face in a shelled hazelnut. A second miracle in one day! How blessed are we?

Exciting report from the Doily Shed. Burton Dasset was pressing a stack of Mrs Whimsey's "Traditional" make (I don't know where we are going to sell them, since the Charity Commission impounded the shops, but we think maybe there's a market in Dunstable). The top doily was not properly pressed out, and when he banged the lint out of the holes, there was a perfect image of Michael Jackson! The Doily Shed is already becoming a place of pilgrimage but I'm getting a bit concerned about the line of people currently waiting to kiss Burton's hands.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

I'm glad to publish these notes of a recent workshop I held, to give advice on Beaker ceremonial to a group of fellow Druids, both from Husborne Crawley and our sister community in Lower Mellstock.

Gorgo: Regarding the Pouring out and Pouring of Beakers - what material should we use for the Beakers? Here in Mellstock we prefer Tupperware, which is hard-wearing and practical, and bounces if dropped.

Archdruid: It is, I think, fair to say that the ancient Beaker People did not have Tupperware, which is in any event an American invention. Beakers should be made from clay which has been hand-dragged from a brook, stream or other running water, thrown on a foot-powered wheel and then baked in a druidically approved kiln. If the people of Mellstock have any problems with any of this, then I will be happy to post you some of the Husborne Crawley beakers at a very reasonable price plus handling charge.

Argle: Can the Archdruid advise us on the finer points of the ceremony for making an Archdruid?

Archdruid: I don't think there's any need for such a ceremony at this point, or indeed in the forseeable future. Next!

Brampton Valley: Can you please advise on the order of procession for druids at the Great Ceremonies?Archdruid: We are of course a non-hierarchical, deeply democratic people. So I recommend that the Ovates process at the front, followed by Novitiatives and Lesser Druids. The Druidic Council, or Drayton Parslow as we know him, will then (if he attends) be followed by the Executive Assistant Arch-Druid. At Husborne Crawley, I will then be at the back of the procession, flanked by Acolytes, Helpmeets and Flunkies according to the solemnity of the Occasion.

Bogle: Could the Archdruid advise on who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

Archdruid: I don't personally know the man responsible, but when I meet him I'd like to shake his hand.

Gorgo: When celebrating Full Moon, is it two steps back and one step forward or the other way round?

Archdruid: Wouldn't like to give a full answer to this question, as clearly it depends upon the season. I normally make two steps back and one step forward in the spring and autumn, as these are times of change, and the opposite in summer and winter. Except July when it's two steps back and one to the side. And Christmas when we just stay inside and hold the ceremony in the conservatory. Hope this has made it all clear.

Regwald: What about gnarling?Archdruid: Still temporarily suspended. We will revisit gnarling at the appropriate time but definitely not this side of a General Election.

Archdruid: Golden sickles should not be made of pure gold. As a metal it's far too soft to cut the stalks of mistletoe which, as you have discovered, are very tough. I recommend that you send me the sickle you have been using for further investigation, and I will send you by return of post a gold-lacquered stainless steel sickle, which I think you will find to be perfect for the job.

Olaf: When processing for the Ritual of Untying, should we rotate clockwise or anticlockwise?

Archdruid: I think to answer this we need to go back to the basis of the Ritual of Untying. At the Ritual of Tying, the tying was done left-handed in support of our left-handed siblings who have such trouble in this modern right-handed world. Therefore the Ritual of Untying should be carried out clockwise, to counter the anticlockwise rotation of the original Tying. Unless you're south of the equator, in which case all these directions should be reversed.

Hnaef: I've been much taken by the Catholic tradition of lay people kissing the hands of newly-ordained priests when receiving a "first blessing". Do you think there is potential for this kind of ritual in Beakerdom?Archdruid: Thanks for this suggestion, Hnaef. I think we may be able to extend the idea - rather than kissing, perhaps the receiver of the blessing could lay some money in the Druid's hands for the use of the Druidic Support Fund? Of course, in these days of increased allergies, we'd want to ensure it was in the nature of the folding stuff rather than nasty allergenic metal.

Ogbald: Can the Archdruid comment on the correct length for Hi Viz at Beltane? We in Lower Mellstock stick to the green vests but it appears that our friends in Sarum tend towards a much longer, heavier material although keeping the general colour scheme.

Archdruid: Your "friends at Sarum" are the Salisbury Cathedral choir. You can tell they aren't real Beaker People as their "Hi Viz" clothes are actually cassocks.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

To all those still doing Rain Dances, please can you stop. There's enough rain, we'd like to see the full moon tonight, the Moot House Memorial Swimming Pool is overflowing and there are fish swimming round the orchard. I'm not too worried about the Test starting tomorrow, as I don't think the Rain Dance has that kind of range.

Monday, 6 July 2009

News in from MK General Hospital. Snowfleik and Geldwell have finally been separated.

The words of our handfasting ceremony, "may our hands hold as fast as glue and through as many ages of the hills" have always meant to be symbolic. But you know how literal some people can get.

But superglue? I mean - superglue? How did Geldwell possibly think this was a good idea? I don't think Snowfleik was in on the scheme. Something about the words "I'm glad the legal ceremony was scheduled for next week" sounded positively ominous.

We've never had an unfasting ceremony before. Not that I want to encourage it, or regard handfasting as an estate that can or should be reversed lightly. But I've had that Unfasting Gown for years now, and it looks like I may finally get to wear it. Hope it still fits...

According to ancient lore laid down in 2005, this first Full Moon since the Summer Solstice is known as the "Siesta Moon". We will celebrate the Full Moon from sunset to sunrise tonight, so quite a few people will be in need of a siesta tomorrow. You may remember that it used to be known as the Pepsi Moon, but sadly they withdrew funding.

More news on our attempt to "reach out" to younger people. We wanted to be hip, on the street, where the kids are. Our recent Fleetwood Mac tribute evening was sadly not as well attended as we expected and renting the Milton Keynes Bowl has pushed our outreach budget way into the red. We consider the attendance of 7 people to be a minor achievement, but since the youngest was 62 years of age we weren't necessarily making the links we hoped.

The " Bring your Parents to the Moot House" event was equally unsuccessful. OK, we did get a couple of parents along, and who would have thought that old Methuselah Bromswick's parents were both still alive at the age of 109, but all the same Methuselah was missing the point.

In our next youth event, Hnaef will be break-dancing and rapping on the street on the Lakes Estate in Bletchley. Good for you, Hnaef. We're right behind you. About three miles behind you, in fact - at the Green Man in Little Brickhill. We'll pick him up if he survives.

Sunday, 5 July 2009

This fear of the Moon Gibbon really must stop. The schismatic tendencies of this community have often been recorded, but to see the panic in the Moon Gibbon people is a real shock this month.

Traditionally, the Moon Gibbon people have started panicking as the moon wanes after the full moon. This is - within their own warped frame of reference - quite logical. After all, the moon is getting smaller. The belief that a gigantic extra-terrestrial primate is consuming the moon is completely logical. That is, if you believe that the moon is really getting smaller, that there are such things as enormous astral gibbons, that the Apollo mission was a giant hoax, that the alleged Moon Gibbon can exist in a vacuum, etc.

We do not judge. We respect all people's rights to their views - however cracked.

But surely the whole point of the Moon Gibbon is that it is scary after the full moon? Before the full moon, the Moon Gibbon people are generally happy, optimistic, joys-of-spring people. Why this month did they choose to run screaming into the woods while the moon is still waxing? Apart from anything else, it's ruined the weekend for the Fertility Beaker Folk. They were looking forward to a long weekend of what they do best, when a bunch of hysterical fundamentalists ran into the woods and hid behind the trees.

A note to the Moon Gibbon People. Please get a grip. Be rational. The Gibbon's not going to start eating the moon for a good three days yet.

Dispersed Community

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None of the content of this site is remotely related to reality. Any resemblance to any real person, live or dead, would be some kind of miracle.
No penguins were harmed in the making of this blog. Although a few guinea pigs were eaten. But hey you can't make guinea pig omelette without cracking a few eggs.
The viewpoints expressed in this blog do not represent the official views of any religious group, and often don't even represent the views of the authors.