Dear Past Me

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Some days are better than others, I know. Some days you think you’ve overcome the heartache and all the feelings you shouldn’t have been feeling; all the illogical and turbulent and unreasonable pulls to wish for what isn’t, think of what you should’ve done and how you should’ve done it; the heartbreaking feeling of loss, guilt, emptiness, longing; the overwhelming emotion of wanting to chase something you know you shouldn’t; that feeling of walking out on a life you’ve built in exchange for that thrill again, that addicting high you get when someone or something makes you feel…alive. And other days, you break down. In your car. Singing the saddest, most applicable song to this emotional hurdle, wishing you could evaporate into thin air. I know, it’s hard. And I know you know that it’s partly your fault, but that you are human and that we never mean to get into these sticky situations. And yet, here you are. But believe me – you will get through it. There’s no other way but through remember? But before you throw in the towel and adhere to your emotional, impulsive longings, think long and hard about what you really want (what you really really want – I had to, don’t kill me😏). Your decisions need to lead to what you truly want, especially in the long run, not reflect what you want now. It’s exactly like trying to be healthier: you want to look and feel a certain way so does choosing to eat McDonald’s lead to that or not? Maybe you really want it right now, but you know it doesn’t lead to what you ultimately want. Feelings are fleeting. Love is hard hard work. And I’m telling you – you are in for it, the hard work, if you choose to stay. But know that whatever happens, you exit this storm with a stronger spirit, more resilience, more experience, and more lessons learned. That’s part of life. To live life is to struggle, suffer, to fall, but to rise. To live life is to walk through hell, embrace heartache, mistakes, imperfections, but to try your best despite those things. That’s what it means to be perfectly human. I know that right now, you just want all this to finally end. To be finally at peace again. That day couldn’t come any sooner. You’re just tired of feeling this way. But who wants to feel this way? You’re not alone my love, you’re not alone. Take heart, remain steadfast, seek God, cry, bleed, feel. The day will come when you will wake up to a truly new day.