Pope Drops Blanket Ban On Condom Use

In an historic move, the Pope has brought about a seismic shift in Catholic doctrine, with the ending of the Vatican's total opposition to the use of condoms.

In a statement, released between masses at St Peter's Basillica, the Pope, one time Hitler Youth member and former Sturmbannführer Joseph Ratzinger, has granted permission for condoms to be used in two quite different sets of circumstances.

Firstly, the use of condoms will be permitted when the primary purpose is one of preventing the spread of HIV infection. Secondly, Catholic priests will be strongly advised to use condoms when buggering altar boys and children in the care of the Catholic Church, thereby preventing the collection of DNA evidence, which would lead to the successful prosecution of wayward clergy.

The Vatican is currently seeking a partnership with a reputable prophylactic producer, in order that the third world masses may be supplied with low cost condoms, and so that parish priests will not be out of pocket.

An advertising agency, believed to be Scratchy & Scratchy, has been commissioned to design tasteful full page adverts, which will soon appear in Vatican newspapers and Catholic periodocals throughtout the world.

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