My app or yours? Digital dating meets feminism

1of 8The Catch founder and CEO Shannon Ong chats with guests during a Valentine’s Day singles event at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

2of 8Alex Wu and Molly Shelestak chat over drinks during a Valentine’s Day singles event celebrating the launch of the new dating app the Catch at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

3of 8Founder and CEO Shannon Ong shows off her new dating app the Catch during a Valentine’s Day singles event.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

4of 8Ashton Miller (left) and Sepideh Nasiri chat over drinks during a Valentine’s Day singles event at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco celebrating the launch of the dating app the Catch.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

5of 8Alex Wrigley of San Carlos laughs while chatting with other singles during a Valentine's Day singles event held in conjunction with the official launch of the new dating app "The Catch", at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco, CA, on Saturday, February 14, 2015.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

6of 8Guests network at a Valentine’s Day singles event celebrating the launch of the new dating app the Catch at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco. Above: Shannon Ong, founder and CEO of the Catch, shows off the app.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

7of 8Guests pose for a picture at a Valentine’s Day singles event held in conjunction with the official launch of the new dating app the Catch at San Francisco’s Mayes Oyster House.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

8of 8Molly Shelestak (left) and Natalie Scheetz enjoy themselves during a Valentine’s Day singles event held in conjunction with the official launch of the new dating app the Catch at Mayes Oyster House in San Francisco.Photo: Michael Short / Special To The Chronicle

When designing her new dating app, Bumble, Whitney Wolfe was inspired by the Sadie Hawkins dance, in which women reverse traditional courtship rituals by asking the men to the dance. Considered radical when it began in the ’30s, the concept is still antithetical to modern-day courtship tendencies.

Wolfe was drawn to an interesting psychological shift that resulted when women initiated the approach. “The woman becomes more confident and outgoing,” she explains. “In turn, this takes the pressure off the man and makes him less aggressive and more relaxed.”

She wanted to re-create that effect with Bumble, which works similarly to Tinder, which Wolfe co-founded. The difference? With Bumble, only the woman is allowed to send the first message after a mutual match is made. (Perhaps tellingly, this is her first venture since leaving Tinder amid a sexual harassment lawsuit against fellow executives.)

In the increasing fervor that surrounds digital dating, women are taking the reins in more ways than one. Just as they have elbowed their way into other arenas in which men have dominated, women are launching dating services developed specifically with the woman’s point of view in mind. In other words, in the era of “feminism 4.0,” women are “disrupting” everything else. Why not dating?

While Tinder rejuvenated the previously aging reputation of digital dating, this new crop of services — catering mostly to heterosexuals, at this point — offers a range of niche approaches that solve quandaries particular to the women who created them.

Consider Three Day Rule, a Los Angeles matchmaking company that came to San Francisco last July. The company’s matchmakers, who are currently all female, go on 45-minute “first dates” with potential matches to weed out the duds. “We pay a lot of attention to things that they don’t realize we are paying attention to,” says founder Talia Goldstein. “Was he nice to the waiter? Did he open the door?”

The Catch, launched on Valentine’s Day, “gamifies” the selection process with a Q&A from the woman to a handful of candidates. Like a digital interpretation of “The Dating Game,” it lets women pose questions until one guy prevails. “You’re asking questions that matter to women,” says San Francisco founder Shannon Ong, “as opposed to the creepers who say 'nice smile’ or 'nice boobs.’”

Project Fixup, a Chicago company that launched in San Francisco this summer, ensures that the guy actually wants to date, rather than simply chat, with a pay-per-date model that arranges the person, time and place; the two parties only have to “accept” and show up. “After all,” says founder Sarah Press, “having fun in person is the real point of dating.”

And then there’s the League, which launched in San Francisco in November and which limits users based on information garnered, in part, through LinkedIn profiles. Although some early coverage has labeled the app elitist, founder Amanda Bradford says that when judging the “success” of hopeful singles, she’s looking for people who are ambitious. In other words, “Are you doing something you’re passionate about? I don’t think income defines anything.”

With that qualification of success, Bradford is hitting on something that anonymous swipes right or left can’t decipher. Three Day Rule’s matchmakers analyze the traits desired by both their male and female clients, and interestingly, they’ve found that passion — in the sense of being driven and ambitious — is one of the few qualities desired by both.

(Even earlier to the trend was Coffee Meets Bagel, founded by San Francisco’s Aurum Kang in 2012. It offers one possible match a day — the antithesis to Tinder’s rapid-fire yes/no scrolling.)

Similarly, these female-founded options aren’t just “for women.” They are appealing to men, who no longer have to do all the heavy lifting: After the woman indicates interest, men are more encouraged to pick up the ball and run it down the field because they know they’re more likely to score.

Brandon Upchurch, chatting after a recent panel discussion he helped organize called “Sex and Dating for Nerds” at the Commonwealth Club, has used Match.com and is currently trying out dating apps Hinge and the League. He finds it interesting that many of the new apps created by women seem to limit the possible number of matches, while men, he has found, tend to focus on variety — “this is indicative of our natures,” he says. “But the idea of endless variety is a bit of a fallacy.”

Giving women more power in the dating process isn’t to say that the ritualistic courtship dance dies with the snap of a profile picture. Rather, these new services help eliminate the torment of “sitting by the phone.”

“It allows you to take control of your dating life — the idea of, if you want something, then go get it,” says Bradford, of the League. “You don’t have to be dependent.”

By making it more obvious whom they want to date and how, women are trading ambiguity for transparency, and gaining control along the way — a romantic “leaning in.”

Wolfe compares it to a guy giving a girl his number. “You hold all the cards, and all the power,” she says. “There’s just as much a need for a man to date as a woman — but it’s about evening the playing field a bit.”

Maghan McDowell has been covering style and beauty for the San Francisco Chronicle's Sunday Style section since 2012, when she decamped from the East Coast for the West. Her work lets her cover the best of what’s normally relegated to free time—from backstage makeup tricks and street-style tastemakers to trend-setting companies and people. Previously, she was the editorial director of a regional publishing company and an adjunct lecturer at the University of Florida, from which she has a degree in magazine journalism.