Homosexuality: the answer to all of your social problems

It goes without saying that, at some point in our lives, each and every one of us will feel a little inadequate – perhaps you’ve not yet acquired that 6ft tall, rugby-playing boyfriend, or worse; your best friend got off with him at the party last night. Well, fear not – I have a few easy-to-follow steps which will herd away your worries in no time!

Step 1: become a lesbian
As I’m sure you are aware, all heterosexual males just LOVE lesbians. Don’t worry – homophobic attacks are of no concern, because all women are the same, so lesbian intimacy is basically just masturbation. Most lesbians are in fact boyfriend-thieving troublemakers who use their fondness of fellow women to form similarities with men. Male homosexuals, on the other hand, serve mostly to disgust the masses, but usually, they are able to act as a human accessory for straight women, a bit like one of those cute little purses that you can’t fit pound notes into – they might attract a few friendly comments, but you can’t rely on them if you’re going on an expensive night out (they’ve probably already spent the money on filthy magazines). As you can see, being a gay man is just not an option. If you want a boyfriend at all, being a lesbian is the ONLY choice you can make.

Step 2: achieve the look

You’ve got to reach the right balance – you don’t want to look like a man, as we’ve already covered the fact that men are repulsed by the sight of each other, but equally, they have to know you’re a lesbian. The best place to start is probably your hair… I’m sorry, but it’s going to have to go. And that natural blonde with a few well-matched highlights? No can do. The go-to lesbian product is hair dye. Aim to use a brand with cruelty-free, natural-based ingredients such as Crazy Color (all lesbians are vegans and environmentalists). You know you’ve made a good choice in colour if it’s nowhere near complementary to your skin tone. Pale skin? Try a dull shade of blue to create an even more washed out look. Rosy cheeks? A lively, almost fluorescent fuchsia is the colour for you. Don’t forget to use a home bleach kit first – you can buy these in home bargains if you really want to push the boat out, but Domestos will do the trick. Don’t worry about the split ends, as these will be barely visible beneath a thick coat of gel. Okay, so your hair is sorted. Make up is simple… we won’t bother with foundation, because this could affect the contrast between your new hair colour and your skin. Heavy black eye make up is key, because all lesbians are Goths.

Step 3: promote yourself

Social networks provide an excellent base for publicising your newly-acclaimed sexuality. Change your Facebook details to ‘interested in women’ and be sure to write a lengthy status about the importance of your sexual preferences. Don’t bother saying that you’re ‘interested in men and women’, we all know that bisexuals are just greedy. Do this with confidence; it’s a well-known fact that the reception of your exit from the closet will be more than welcoming. Consider arranging a boozy night in with the girls as this gives you the opportunity to smooch your more-than-slightly intoxicated pal and upload a photo of it in the process. Your dream man will be overcome with longing – there’s nothing sexier than a bad, self-taken image involving large strings of saliva and drunken bleary eyes.

Step 4: make your move

Once your vigour for vulva has paid off and grasped his attention, it’s time to declare your true feelings to the man of your dreams. He may be a little surprised to begin with, but he’ll soon get over it. After all, being gay is just a choice. He can hardly blame you if you’ve changed your mind! Anyway, there’s plenty in it for him: an instant connection with the network of attractive lesbian ladies whom you met along the way and even better – a large boost to his cool-factor. If his girlfriend previously dated women and posted provocative pictures of herself with her lady-companions online, then surely he’s a very sensitive, morally intellectual and open-minded kind of guy. Of course, his friends will also be exceptionally respectful of your past, and never ask overly-intrusive questions about precedent occurrences in your private life. It’s simply a no brainer!

So there we have it, an insightful guide on the ways in which homosexuality can be – and always has been – used for personal gain and attention with minimal to no consequences on part of social prejudice or discrimination of any kind!­­­­