Ah, bucolic Glendale, Arizona, a northwest suburb of Phoenix that boasts a population of 230,000(ish), set against the gorgeous background of mountains and sunshine. Glendale is also the home of both the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes and, oh, hey, the NFL’s Arizona Cardinals who play in the ginormous University of Phoenix Stadium. That same stadium hosts the Fiesta Bowl For All The Tostitos and, once, WrestleMania.

But the NFL is beginning to doubt Glendale’s commitment to Team Sparkle Motion, according to a report in USA Today. The league seems to be a little hurt that Glendale, which is clearly used to hosting big events at its behemoth stadium, isn’t bouncing up and down with excitement and joy over hosting Super Bowl XLIX in 2015. Yes, the league is mad the city isn’t excited about a game that won’t happen for another 490+ days. A lot could happen in that time! There may be a longer season, a Los Angeles team, or Tim Tebow could even ascend to Heaven before then.

Also, we could all die, so slow your roll, NFL.

Undermining the NFL’s Dance Mom attitude to put a smile on your face, dammit, is the fact that their threat is actually empty: the league confirms the game will not be moved from Glendale’s spaceship stadium. They are, however, threatening to move non-game events, like parties and other generic events that corporate VIPs attend. For instance, they’ve already ripped the NFL Experience out of Glendale’s arms and relocated it a whopping nine miles away to Phoenix. The league is also putting the media center in Phoenix but they did that last time the Super Bowl was in Phoenix so whatever.

Glendale isn’t standing pat, though.

Since last week, Glendale officials have been rushing to make nice with league executives. They’ve made phone calls and sent e-mails to reaffirm their commitment and excitement for the game.

“We’re thrilled the Super Bowl is coming in 2015. We’re ready. Let’s not forget the game is 492 days away,” interim Assistant City Manager Julie Frisoni said Thursday. “We are well ahead of the curve of where we need to be.”

Still, NFL executives are worried about three major issues: access to thousands of parking spaces near the stadium, Glendale hoteliers’ refusal to guarantee room prices and a general lack of leadership by Glendale officials, McCarthy said.

The USA Today report then delves into some really deep details on parking spaces in the area because that’s what the modern NFL is about: parking spaces and concussions.

Arizona has already lost one Super Bowl: way back in 1990, the NFL took away the Super Bowl and gave it to Pasadena because Arizona voters voted down an initiative to recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a holiday. They’re not about to let a lack of parking spaces do what apparent racism did. Glendale also had a major municipal election this spring as well as a financial mess with the Coyotes’ arena lease they just sorted out so, okay, maybe their attention hasn’t been on YOU all the time, NFL, because the WORLD doesn’t REVOLVE AROUND YOU, YA KNOW? Get off our backs.

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Glendale is the world’s largest open air meth lab. It was a massive mistake to put the stadium out in the middle of farm fields, ten miles away from anything interesting or nice. Glendale gave the Bidwills a sweetheart deal and like the greedy bastards they are they took it without regard to the fans. Last time the Super Bowl was here there were hardly any events in Glendale–all the parties were 15 miles away in Scottsdale and the media center was in downtown Phoenix. This time it will be even worse. Glendale may not be excited but it’s because all the anticipated revenue is siphoned off by the better cities that surround it. The setup here is terrible. If the league has a problem with it they shouldn’t award the game to Arizona.

OMG. The Superest of All Bowls in Arizona?? In an Open Air stadium? Can you imagine the heat? How is anyone going to keep their Maze Pumkin Ale cold ?
Someone hurry up and get on the horn to Peter King. Someone needs to put a stop to this.

Better question: why should I give a shit about this? I was not concerned about this before Big Sandy brought this up (as no one outside of a Holiday Inn has read a USA Today in 3 years). If you have to spend half your text making me aware of a problem so that you can then tell me not to worry about it, it wasn’t worth writing about.

Maybe I’m missing something, but aren’t most parking lots (outside of a few urban ones on the East Coast) designed in order to allow access to parking spaces? One could even say they are purpose built to do this very thing?