Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will rekindle an old flame this month, Sagittarius, despite the pleas of police officials and hostage negotiators. "WHYYY," he will wail, rolling around and covered in fire, but he knows why. Oh well. You know what Alfred Lord Tennyson said: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have doused an ex-boyfriend in flames because he texted you thinking you were a different girl. Furthermore, check out the enormous beard that I have." Your lucky fish is the Gopher Rockfish.