tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post6213032415990510914..comments2013-01-29T08:24:28.333-08:00Comments on The Alchemy of Loss: Happy Cupid DayAbigailhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04628004126702020793noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post-54170387410476633202009-02-27T23:01:00.000-08:002009-02-27T23:01:00.000-08:00Hi Abigail,For what it's worth, I believe that you...Hi Abigail,<BR/><BR/>For what it's worth, I believe that you did the right thing. As they say... you will know when it's right.<BR/><BR/>It is hard to let go when you have something that makes your life easier, so I am extra proud of your strength today.<BR/><BR/>I'm glad you liked the Stockdale Paradox. <BR/><BR/>MelodieMelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05252415753817950987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post-38599207272692630212009-02-24T16:21:00.000-08:002009-02-24T16:21:00.000-08:00Thank you all for your comments. The fallout of my...Thank you all for your comments. The fallout of my post has meant that I am down one friend, which is lamentable, but unavoidable I guess. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I can use all the friends I can get. <BR/><BR/>Annie, I am with you on the dead-husband excuse. It is a very convenient way out (for both parties) of a relationship that isn't working. I loved what Candice had to say about wanting what you had in your marriage, separate from the person you lost. That makes a lot of sense. I am not willing to settle for anything less.<BR/><BR/>David gives me hope that it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex. I have been wondering...<BR/><BR/>And Candice, I hope I haven't extinguished your light at the end of the tunnel of grief and kid-grief. My son is a complicated little being who doesn't miss a trick. Its entirely possible he was simply pushing my buttons, but that's how it is with kids and grief, you are always questioning the source of their behavior.Abigailhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04628004126702020793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post-69757989111961415682009-02-21T11:30:00.000-08:002009-02-21T11:30:00.000-08:00Thanks for this post, Abby. It's really useful to ...Thanks for this post, Abby. It's really useful to hear what life is going to look like (or could look like) four years past where I am right now. Though dear god--your then-2-year-old grieves even though he doesn't remember Daddy? Crap. Even though I know in my head that Anna--who was 10 mo. old when Charley died--will do her own form of grieving and processing as she grows up and realizes what she lost, I still naively hope that it won't really be a grieving <I>force of nature</I> into itself...that maybe I'd get off a little easier because she was a baby. So it's a good reminder to hear that I'm probably/possible being a nincompoop in my naivete.<BR/><BR/>I always wonder what/why people think that being unwilling to settle for less than what we all had before means that we're stuck in grief/still in love with the dead spouse. I think we all, as the survivors, are on the same page and sentiment that it's not the <I>person</I> we hold onto so much as the feelings we had when a marriage worked. They're both intertwined, of course...but I don't want another Charley; I want a different version of the positive things I had in my marriage (and a different set of the irritating things).<BR/><BR/>Thanks for being honest about life and widowhood at 7+ years out.<BR/><BR/>Hugs,<BR/>CandiceCrash Course Widowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11637366044613952294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post-33570090565842910642009-02-16T12:44:00.000-08:002009-02-16T12:44:00.000-08:00Your cupid day sounds great. As for close friendsh...Your cupid day sounds great. As for close friendships - there's a single mom I spend time with. We talk in depth, enjoy each other's company, go for dinner or drinks together - but we aren't meant to date. Once we both figured that out, our relationshp become much easier. We still do all the same fun things, but with no pressure or expectations. Plus, we can consult each other for dating advice. Of course, it took both of us realizing that before the relationship could transform. The man who is smitten with you when you see him as a friend presents an imbalance.dadshousehttp://dadshouseblog.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7543806859945304481.post-34667279576499250132009-02-15T15:52:00.000-08:002009-02-15T15:52:00.000-08:00I do think some people allow themselves to get stu...I do think some people allow themselves to get stuck, but the main reason, in my opinion, that a person remains single is that the right fit, as you put it, hasn't come along. <BR/><BR/>I envy people who never had single gaps in their adult lives. The ones who find someone early and live that mythic happy ever after. Most of us though have periods on our own. We marry later or we find ourselves alone in middle age for whatever reason and the singleness lasts because that right fit hasn't found us yet. And sometimes even, singleness reveals itself as the right fit.<BR/><BR/>When it's right, you will likely see it even through the initial dazzle and lust and nothing will keep you from it - not job or location or children - nothing. Anything that's not perfect will simply become a detail that needs to be worked out.<BR/><BR/>When I was dating online, I had a man tell me I was stuck and avoiding opening up because I didn't want to be hurt again. He was divorced and didn't really understand the difference in our situations but I was insulted. I simply didn't find him interesting (and he was needy beyond belief) and my lack of enthusiasm was based on that. But my widowhood made a nice rational for others to console themselves with I suppose.<BR/><BR/>K was a bit older than you son when she lost her dad. Her memories though are still mostly things I told her. We do our best to make sure she doesn't feel as though she is losing them but the sad truth is that she never really had a father until her stepdad. I don't know how to make that feel better for her. I don't think I can. Her grief changes as she grows and we will be dealing with it forever in one form or another. It's very different from an adult's experience.anniegirl1138http://anniegirl1138.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.com