A sports minded hobbit sets his fantasy football lineups.
Then places his weekly lottery tickets into an envelope.
A wax seal emblem pressed: The House of Freshness represented.
Mailed to the Giants at the Meadow Lands delivered by the “Quick Post”.
Shipped by the boats of the Southron Buccaneers in the bay of Tampa.
The Eagles watch over the financials along the arduous travel.
Then flown to “The Bank” by the Ravens, Edgar, Allan, and Poe.
The all seeing eye embossed in flame always watching.
The nameless fear that sports the prestigious Burger King crown.
He who enchants his legendary lineups with the Palantír (Great seeing stones of statistical advantage).
A shadowy figure cooks twenty Onion Rings in the heart of Mount Doom.
Three Onion Rings given out to the Elven-kings under the sky of Hail Mary.
Seven Onion Rings given out to the Dwarf-Lords in their halls of analytic sports mining.
Nine Onion Rings given out to the Mortal Men of gambling addiction doomed to be broke.
All of whom were deceived.
One Onion Ring for the Dark Draft King.
In the noxious landscape of online weekly fantasy football draft farms.
One Onion Ring to rule them all.
One Onion ring to find out what lineups the people of middle earth will start each week.
One Onion Ring to bring them all and in the gamble fleece them.
In the land of the Internet where the owners of Draft Kings and Fanduel lie.
The One Onion Ring of power forged in the deepest fryers of Mordor where the shadows devour “The Whoppers”.
As time passed the scripture engraved on the One Onion Ring to rule them all faded.
Only when dipped in heated zesty Onion Ring sauce would the ancient elvish scripture illuminate in a fiery red glow.
The translation: Concept of the four leaf clover.
In the high stakes den’s of Bree.
At the Prancing Pony.
A place where they have pitted fans against fans in a duel to the monetary death.
Shire folk wager with wizards, rangers, elves, dwarfs, and men from all over Middle Earth.
Their silver pennies, pence, and various precious metals the stake.
Wagered over games of linguistic riddles, dice, cards, and of course football.
The contestants eagerly watch games of lateral pig skin movement.
On pools of reflection.

* “To Draft Amongst Kings” is a reflection of how I feel about the illegal market of insider analytics trading. Draft Kings and Fan Duel are two major players in the weekly fantasy football market. According to one source that I read there are allegations that employees of each site traded analytic information and had access to this analytic information when they created their lineups which won over $350,000 last week. Employees of both companies have access to statistical data that allow them to have a incredible edge over the average player. They have access to what percentage of people are playing certain players. Also, they are responsible for setting the draft prices for each player. This is an example of insider trading and can’t be tolerated. Both companies have issued a statement, which included an apology, and a promise that in the future employees will not be able to play in any weekly fantasy football tournaments on either of the weekly fantasy football draft farms. There is in fact a class action lawsuit and if you would like to find out more about it here is a link.

Apparently there is a new chat feature available. Where a staff member from WordPress.com can create a chat window and start dialog. On Thursday this chat function appeared as I was perusing WordPress for brain science theory (reading material). Here is the conversation that ensued.

It all started with a question mark.

Below is the transcript from your recent chat with WordPress.com

jfreshly

?

Jason – WordPress.com

Hi there!

Jason – WordPress.com

How can I help?

jfreshly

It’s too late for that.

jfreshly

How did this chat pop up?

Jason – WordPress.com

The chat is based on operator availability. We are trying to expand our availability to cover more users in more timezones.

jfreshly

Ohh. Well that’s cool.

Jason – WordPress.com

Thanks!

jfreshly

Can I chat with other bloggers?

jfreshly

Or is this more of a help icon.

Jason – WordPress.com

Just for support for now.

Jason – WordPress.com

You can add a chat widget to your site if you would like.

jfreshly

Cool. Ill have to look into that.

Jason – WordPress.com

Anything else I can help you with?

jfreshly

Have any cute Asians lying around that like long hugs and funny cat Gifs?

Apparently, fashioning the sticker on the brim of a hat has been a fad since the 80’s. It all started with leaving tags on popular items from companies such as Nike, Starter, Adidas, Reebok, so on and so forth. I’m a die hard Baltimore Orioles fan so when I saw my co-worker wearing a Yankees hat with the sticker on the brim it led to this conversation.

Jfreshly: Sup Matheno nice hat bro

Matheno: Thanks man!

Jfreshly: Hey Matheno I’ve been meaning to ask you something.

Matheno: Yeah?

Jfreshly: Well, I was wondering what the reason is for leaving the sticker on the brim of the hat. Is it because you plan on returning it after the season the Yankees just had?

Matheno: Laughingly he says, “yeah man you got me.”

After lunch I was parlaying cognitive NFL knowledge into fan duel lineups when Matheno swaggered back into the office. The Co-workers and I were no longer blinded by sticker glare emanating from the brim of the evil empire’s cap. His fandom became quite evident. I could feel the pride in his cissy strut (insert Meters reference here) as he entered his workstation.

Matheno and I are pretty tight so its all in good fun. I did crack up quite a bit when he rolled back in to the office after he removed the sticker from the brim.

While writing this blog post I did a bit of research and found this tidbit on Wikipedia, “After beginning play in Baltimore, Maryland as the Baltimore Orioles in 1901, the club moved to New York two years later and became the Highlanders; in 1913, the team changed its nickname to the Yankees.” So basically we are baseball brothers from another mother!

He could have brought up how the Yankees have won 18 division titles, 40 AL pennants, and 27 World Series championships, all of which are Major League Baseball records. Instead he removed the sticker to let me know he took his team seriously and I respect that. He knew I was ecstatic that the Orioles had won the division pennant after a 17 year drought. I guess he will wear that brim like a badge of honor. It’s more enjoyable to joke with him about the sticker water mark anyways. 🙂

They don’t check the bag. They actually never check the bag. Even if they suspect you may be telling them an inaccurate pastry count they don’t want the hassle. The reason I’d like to believe they don’t want the hassle is because they know the pastries are overpriced in the first place.

Rewind 5 minutes.

There I am at the Hunt Valley Wegmans with a stuffed bag of pastries.

The thing is, I’ve been staking out each checkout line to see which would be most suitable for this con.

5’7″ female Asian American adorable.

She fits the criteria perfectly.

For starters, if she makes a fuss I have the ability to flirt with her and smooth things over. Secondly, I’m contemplating the idea of asking for her digits.

The thing is I’ve been incrementally stealing pastries from this joint for about 4 weeks now.

They are delicious, expensive, and never on sale.

Being a resourceful Jew, I created a pastry price algorithm based on the principle of

The reason I chose this algorithm is because I infinitely love these pastries. Soooo good.

They are 1 dollar a piece which really does not make sense. Due to the variable size and ingredients of each pastry how can they all possibly cost 1 dollar each. At most they should be .75 per and that’s in a high dividend yield pastry market. Wegmans has decided not to apply the pastry variance theory whatsoever and deep down that really bothers me.

Pastry Variance Theory: Due to ingredients, size, and deliciousness of said item it will be priced accordingly.

THEY ARE ALL 1 dollar a piece how is that possible. It’s not mathematically speaking. Just another example of grocer negligence.

So, with that being said, I typically will take 7 pastries and tell them I have 4.

4 is a really good number. I think 4 dollars for pastries is more then fair. I’m on a budget after all.

On a side note I no longer eat pastries. Apparently they are not healthy (Insert bunny ears emoticon here).