Just tired

Ive been trying my hardest this past week, i think.. Maybe im not (cause i really want to leave now). I can barely sleep nowdays cause everytime i close my eyes, i have this sick feeling cause i know i have to open them again, and put up w the same routine. (Yeah it sounds stupid.) I hate being around people. Even when i am asleep, my problems get to me. Even on these forums i feel like im irritating. Sometimes i think i shouldnt be on these forums cause my thoughts are too negative. I feel so mad at myself. It doesnt go away.
Im confused. I most certainly do not wanna be alive any longer. Im not afraid to die cause i accepted it. Im confused as to why im still here. The sad thing is, i am 95 percent sure i have to wake up to tomorrow.. but i really want to find a way out tonight if a beautiful opportunity shows up tonight. I dont know why it matters, maybe im just venting.

Don't worry about being too negative. The important thing here is that you can communicate with other people about what is really going on with you. Superficially, that may seem negative, but talking about what is going on is acutally something that is incredibly positive because it is a first step toward making things better. And it may help to encourage other people to talk about what is going on with them, which is even more positive.

Are you getting any kind of treatment now?

You are really young. Things may seem really bleak right now, but you can turn things around and have a lot of positive life ahead of you. Please put the effort in to trying to fix your life, because it is worth trying!

I appreciate the help.. I really wont see a doctor. Im really stubborn. I just think ive had too many opporunities in life that ive messed up. I tried to continue w college, but i lost interest and "took a break." I need a new job, cause im only doing 10 hours a week now, but i lost motivation. Eleven months of wishing i was dead everyday. I think im used to it though.

Im gonna be so mad at myself, if i reach my 20th birthday in six months. Its 2 in the morning, but i dont think ill kill myself tonight. Doubt it... Theres no point being here cause i iritate everybody. I cant stand being around people 98 percent of the time. I cant even make eye contact w people nowdays.. maybe is cause im embarrasses at myself.. maybe its cause i cant share these weak ass feelings w people i know. Id never want my friends or family to see the weak side of me. Im always pretending and hiding my feelings, but im good at it in RL.

I havent been taking care of myself this past year (another reason its too late). The smallest things make me just lose my mind, and i only blame myself. I like to take my anger out on myself i think. I resort to a little physical pain sometimes, cause its the only thing that really calms me (nothing that serious though).

I have no doubt that life probably wouldnt be so bad if i had a special girl in my life. I want a girl who can accept me for who i am, one that wont play w my head. Im too discouraged to meet people nowdays. I feel like im just wasting their time. As long as i think like this, girls arent gonna wanna be around me. (Thats real.) I cant stop being so miserable everyday though. (Thats real too.) I wish my ex didnt leave me, cause now i cant find anyone who can stand me.

Maybe im giving too much information, or maybe not enough. I leave a lot of things out, but maybe i shouldnt even be sharing my personal life. Sorry for wasting your time if you read this far. Dont even know why this matters anymore if i cant change my mind.

Fuckkk i woke up again. I think on the inside i kinda wanna live, but i can barely sleep or eat nowdays. It feels like i might be forced to do this sooner than i though, but i should have left awhile ago. I cant even feel sad. Just, hopeless and angry... everyday

i'm really sorry that things aren't going too well for you.
i understand how you feel. hopelessly worthless, right? like nothing in life is ever going to work out because you're such a fuck up, right? i've been there, more than i ever should have. it's a horrible place to be.
i use to be hopelessly depressed, and i would never ask people for help. and i'm just a teenager. not even 18 yet. but when i got up the courage to tell my mom that i needed help, she took me to a doctor and i got antidepressants and sleeping pills (i have horrible insomnia).
sometimes i still feel depressed, but having a good friend to talk to helps a lot. i've also found that writing and helping others help as well.
i'm still very stubborn, i was in the hospital a couple months ago for a kidney infection and my kidney is starting to hurt again and i refuse to see a doctor, but i'm sure i'll be okay. sometimes being stubborn is a good thing.
so maybe i'm just rambling or maybe this is actually helping you. either way, my point is that you should talk to a doctor, or a friend, or someone on SF that can help you. I really hope you make it through this. god bless.