Well that wasn't as harrowing as it could've been, but I guess we will get to that next week (and I feel sick just thinking about it).

But the Offspring Powers That Be went fairly easy on us this week - there was the classic Proudman party gone wrong, over-the-top hijinks, and even - drop your glasses, shake your asses - a hoochie mama music video (“bounce baby bounce 'til your waters break”).

Asher Keddie in her Bad Pregnant rap for Offspring. Courtesy of TenPhoto: Courtesy of Ten

Although, for Mick and Billie it wasn't so great. There was no busting of moves in their house, no bouncing (of any sort), and the only breakage of water were the tears silently coursing down their faces. Big fat tears.

That's nothing unusual of course, and I'm tempted to go all "Billie's crying again? It must be Wednesday" but I thought their storyline dealt with the fallout of infidelity rather realistically. He asked a million questions that he didn't really want the answers to, she was self-flagellating in response. There were no winners and it all played out with depressing honesty as they silently moved around one another in the house, together but not. They have found love but are in somewhat of a hopeless place, and it is all just very sad.

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Mick then made the mistake of confirming that only Nina and Patrick knew of Billie's one night stand. He didn't want their personal drama turning into a "Proudman palooza", and she pledged to involve no more of her family. Oh dear, is that the sound of warning bells I hear? I think we all know where this is heading.

Before you can say "I've got a bad feeling about this", everyone was soon invited to the Proudman party of the week: Geraldine Day, which Nina informs us is a non-specific birthday that can be held as often as required, generally for confrontations and reconciliations. Really, considering Darcy and Geraldine's self-involved dramatics is it any wonder Nina and Billie fly off the rails?

No presents, instructs Geraldine, just bring booze (and later Philip will turn up with a gift, ha!). We might be a little late, says Nina, we have an appointment first. Ahhh, yes, it is Break Up With Lawrence day (ie, Nina and Patrick's last counselling session). Uh oh, there go those warning bells again!

Before Geraldine sweeps out of the house (there is something quite Endora-like about her, and now that I think of it, Nina is a bit Samantha and Martin definitely has shades of Dr Bombay) she tells Nina that Billie will be attending Geraldine Day.

Why so surprised? Ah, that would be because Billie has been avoiding Nina like the plague. Perhaps she is just respecting Mick's wishes to keep the family out of their affairs (no pun intended), or it could be that seeing pregnant, loved-up Nina is too much to face. Yeah, it's probably that last one.

Thankfully Billie finally caves and asks Nina if they can meet up. “Yes!,” says Nina, as in "where-the-f--k-have-you-been-and-of-course-I'm-going-to-meet-up-with-you". I loved that response, it was both loving and frustrated, and let's face it, those two emotions often go hand in hand.

Geraldine, the chronic oversharer, doesn't have any problem listening in on her daughter's private thoughts.

Billie tells Nina she has been operating on radio silence because Mick doesn't want to vomit up his dramas to the Proudmans, Billie then proceeds to vomit her dramas to Nina, and then Nina takes off to vomit her dramas to the counsellor.

Did I already mention that I was feeling a bit sick? But there's no time for that because - pound the alarm - shit is about to get real (fo' shizzle).

Tell me Nina, was that a phone in your pocket or… actually, I'm going to stop that one right there because YES, that was a phone in her pocket and YES, she did accidentally dial her mother while in the middle of her therapy session (sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy). Although, technically, I think Patrick did the dialling via some voice-activated thingy. (Someone please tell me how I can make sure that never happens to me).

At least Nina wasn't in the middle of telling cutie therapist guy all of her opinions on her family's life choices. Oh wait, that other thing. And it was glorious, especially her thoughts on Geraldine's sex life.

“Every time she chooses a sexual partner it's the most damaging option she can find... It's like a pattern of revenge sex,” says Nina, rattling off an impressive list of Geraldine's ill-chosen lovers, including a young man after Ray's christening and, of course, Phil D'Arabont.

Yep, it's bad, but that's OK, it's not like Geraldine continued to listen in. Oh wait, that other thing. Geraldine, the chronic oversharer, doesn't have any problem listening in on her daughter's private thoughts. Philip - who is now at Geraldine's house - is also finding it fascinating listening despite his better instincts.

And Nina is on a roll (wow, cutie therapist must be very good). Geraldine never cared for Philip, she says, and predicts that her mother's next lover will be the most ridiculous option possible, such as a nurse at Philip's practice. “Or Clegg,” offers Patrick, and once he has said it you can't unsee it.

The rest of Nina's family secrets soon come spewing out: Jimmy and Zara are in an open relationship (Geraldine actually looked horrified at that revelation) and Billie cheated on Mick (horrified faces all round).

Enter Billie, who just arrived at the Proudman residence. Ruh roh.

Geraldine and Jimmy finally find enough decency to hang up the phone but alas were completely unable to find the skills to do so (against all conventional wisdom it is apparently quite hard to press a button when you're in a panic, or maybe that's just the Proudmans). The phone gets thrown onto the couch with Nina clearly audible and Billie soon puts two and two together. Oh, the horror.

And out she goes, and sadly no one goes after her. She re-enters, only to discover Jimmy has already told Mick what he just learnt (it's amazing how in one action he is being both sensitive yet incredibly not), and then she exits again, and still, no one goes after her. Don't worry, they'll just leave that for the pregnant lady to sort out later (aren't families grand?).

Of course if someone had chased Billie they might have prevented her from crashing Nina's therapy session where she angrily vents at Nina, then at Patrick and then at cutie therapist. It was a whirlwind of rage that I couldn't tear my eyes away from and, damage done (thankfully it's their last session), she left as quickly as she arrived.

Nina chases after Billie, Patrick chases after Nina, and poor Lawrence is still in shock from Hurricane Billie. I wonder if he will start locking his doors now.

After running through the building and then down the front steps - inducing feelings of panic in viewers - Nina finally heeds Patrick's advice and lets Billie go. Phew! I was starting to think her rap lyrics "bounce til your waters break" were about to come true.

Ever the dutiful daughter, Nina's next step is to turn up to Geraldine Day, and with a gift in hand (gee, get the hint Mum). As if to prove Patrick's point about her family not letting up on her, Jimmy and Geraldine have a written list, in point form, of the various ways they are particularly hurt by Nina's words. Actually, says Patrick, flipping it and reversing it, did it occur to any of you that listening in on a private conversation is quite bad form (or something to that effect). Upshot: TSK TSK.

Everyone is properly chagrined except for Zara, who is smart enough to know the meaning of the word but too smart to ever feel it. Ahh, the arrogance of youth. Oh Zara, don't be a hard rock when you truly are a gem baby girl.

Philip is disgusted with his role in this tomfoolery and takes himself off to wrap Geraldine's leafy green things in plastic. No, not those leafy green things, Philip is definitely now on the straight and narrow, we can't say the same for Geraldine though and I'm pretty sure she'll be hitting her stash before the night is through.

As for Geraldine, she tells Philip she loves him but I don't believe her. No matter, Philip gently rebuffs her with the news that he is seeing someone else. He might be crazy in love but apparently Geraldine is not so irreplaceable. I don't believe him either but good on him for saying it anyway. And with this exchange we finally see Geraldine break down and cry (it was about time a different Proudman cracked the sads), and I'm pretty sure those tears are 100 proof too.

Now we catch up with Mick, who is vomiting his woes to Rosanna: “I think my marriage is falling apart… it's not even the cheating, six months ago Billie would never have done something like this.” True dat. “It's like I don't even know her… maybe she only married me because maybe I used to make her look good.”

He may be going down the wrong path of doubt but you can't fault him when he says to Billie: “You're the one making all the decisions here… something changed and it changed with you not with me, so stop looking at me for answers because I don't have any.”

Billie, whose hurricane has been downgraded to a torrential downpour, copes with this the same way she coped with her last setback: she's off to get shitfaced. If only she could catch Geraldine's tears in a glass with ice, it would be cheaper than the $10 shot of vodka she is trying desperately to afford.

She bumps into Eloise who, ever the sweetheart that we now know her to be, offers to buy Billie a drink, an offer gratefully accepted. Is Mick right, have we lost Billie? She turns to Eloise and says: “You're not trying to get me drunk so you can have twisted almost-Nina sex are you?”. Nope, there she is! That's the Billie we know and love. A few drinks later she gives Eloise a big smoochy pash. Alrighty then.

And we end with Patrick and Nina together on their balcony. Nina is worried about how she'll get through labour, birth and beyond with Billie (hey, that should be the name of a shop) but Patrick, who always knows the right thing to say, offers to take more annual leave.

“I thought I could only afford a month, but f--k it, if we get in debt we get in debt.”

Oh Patrick, whatta man, whatta man, a mighty good man.

Next week (gulp!)

Channel Ten showed the same three characters as possibly being killed off: Jimmy, Billie and Patrick. If they are trying to throw us off the scent of it being another character then they are doing a very good job. Last week I was convinced it would be Darcy, now I'm not so sure.

Brace yourselves, and I'll see you same time, same place next week for some group therapy. I wonder if Lawrence is taking appointments - now there's a thought!