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Email Cass and Naomi

dating

Mashimaro, you asked about Valentine’s Day. The Shy One had an operation on his balls on that oh so sacred of days so, no, I didn’t get up to anything very exciting! I did get to teach my fitness classes to a room full of wonderful people plus a special one-off salsa class so I had a great evening just not with a special man 😉

Apparently it’s been 2 MONTHS since I last updated you! Time has flown by and in that time (about a month ago) The Shy One and I realised we were not for each other…

And after that did I go back on the life-sapping apps?

No, I did not. I decided that for lent I would give up dating apps (AGAIN!) and see what happened.

To be honest not a lot has happened on the dating scene and I wasn’t expecting it to. I saw the Fireman a couple more times but that didn’t really go anywhere. Despite his dreamy eyes, we all have issues and he’s no exception – currently battling some tough family ones so he’s best left to look after himself.

Life has been busy – I’ve settled into a new home in Putney with the Minx and we love our new place: it really is a home, so much so that neither of us want to move out anytime soon 🙂

Tell me, what do you think about mixing work and personal life?

I know, I know! I can hear you yelling at me through your phone screen right now!

So…. there might be someone I’m quite excited about spending time with right now (this literally started a couple of days ago) but he’s a colleague so half of me is yelling at the other half “DON’T EVEN GO THERE! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME…!” and that other half is like “this could be good and I should at least get to know this hot piece of ass (yes I did just say that because sometimes women think that too!) before writing him off.”

I SO want to tell you the whole story…but I can’t right now because it would give it away to those who work with us and we want to keep it quiet… but I promise to tell you one day (don’t worry, I’m keeping notes!) and that may be sooner rather than later.

That’s pretty much it… which means I need to hear YOUR dating stories! So go on, write a paragraph in the comments and give me a giggle 🙂

p.s. Dom texted me a few days after I published Jessica’s Naked Experiment: “So I’m going to take some credit for Jessica…good luck with The Shy One x”

For those of you who questioned the physical aspect of the experiment Dom summed up nicely why I’d done it, and yes perhaps subconsciously he had had a hand in the experiment: “It gave you an insight into anonymously asking questions and finding out how people open up”

I had no idea he was reading the blog! Although he said he’d only found it after we’d stopped texting, he admitted he had found it interesting to read my thoughts… He then offered to trade another story for the photo of Jessica.

You know when it’s going really well with a guy, but it hasn’t been very long and you don’t want to admit to anyone that you actually really like this one, because that will jinx it and he’ll never speak to you again…?

It’s now the end of January which means I’ve known The Shy One for about a month and as I write that I’m surprised at how little time has passed.

This is happening to me: I don’t want to tell anyone that things are good because you know, when you do, that’s when it all goes wrong. (Why am I writing this again?!)

I was just catching up with my sister and she asked me how things were going with him. “Interesting what a great guy he is – so far! – especially considering how we met!”

This needs an explanation: Over Christmas I decided to have a bit of fun and conduct an experiment – I must admit I was doing it to try to get material to write for this blog! I’ve often changed dating profiles to see what difference it makes and the different types of guys I attract. But this was something I’ve not done before and even went to the extreme of creating a fake Facebook profile with a fake name…why, you ask?! (well the FB thing because you have to connect it to Tinder to create an account.) But the fake name because…

I posted one photo on my new Tinder profile: A naked one.

My face was not there and it was just the back of my body, but I was naked and I was Jessica.

I wrote a full profile mostly stating what I was looking for and what I most definitely wasn’t looking for and then I got swiping.

I swiped and swiped… left, left, left… on and on. Occasionally (very occasionally) I swiped right. Only for men who I was really attracted to. No point wasting your time on ‘maybes’ or the ones that look ok in one pic but you’re not sure in the others, or they’re wearing sunglasses in every shot but their body is incredible…No. Just no.

One of the first guys who wrote to me ended up telling me to get over myself! He had asked me why he should bother putting in any hard work if he can’t see my face or doesn’t know my real name, to which I said, “You don’t have to. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it or not and if you don’t think it is, just un-match me.”

One down.

I only had one other ‘bad’ reaction: a guy who just wanted sex. I’d clearly stated that I wasn’t looking for hook ups so he was out (but if I had been, he most definitely would have been in!)

That left several promising matches and I made my profile private after just one day so no one else would see me and I could focus on those guys who did get in touch.

Most of them asked me straight away for a photo of my face but I replied that I wanted to wait to see if there was a connection first and asked if they were ok with that. They all said yes!

There was one who didn’t ask for quite a long time which of course stood out, and I loved the way he asked: “So if we were to walk past each other in the street how would I know if was you?”

I never ended up meeting him despite having great conversation. I think he still had hang ups from an ex even though he said he was over that. Realistically he also lives too far away. Onwards.

The second question was almost always ‘who took the photo?’ Have they never heard of a timer…?

I had the best conversations with these guys. I asked direct questions and they all gave direct and seemingly very honest answers. Perhaps because they could’t see my face it was less of a big deal to reveal truths. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.

It was really interesting and all but that one told me they were ultimately looking for a woman to settle down with (of course we know they might have been lying, but I didn’t feel they were – they had no reason to.) We talked about a fair amount before it felt like a natural point to tell them my name is actually Naomi and then ask for their number to send them the face pics.

They mostly thought about what it meant for them to not know what my face looked like, but when it came to exchanging numbers that’s where the risk was all mine: They knew I was attracted to them, but I didn’t know if they would see my face and like it, or see it and decide never to talk to me again! As it happens everyone was polite 😉

One guy wanted to meet up without having seen my face at all – like a one-sided blind date! He was hot and we had good chat but when he tried to call and I didn’t answer or even see his call due to having no signal where I was over Christmas he got weird and that is a BIG turn off. No. Just no, don’t get whiney with me.

In the end I went out with 2 of the guys: One is a fireman and the other is The Shy One.

He is not the kind of guy I generally go for being shy. I’d normally go for the confident, bordering on arrogant guy – the kind of guy I grow to dislike, the kind of guy who makes every day an unknown quantity: will he be madly in love (lust) with me or will he not talk to me…? I don’t have that with The Shy One. He’s consistent. He’s caring. He’s responsible. He doesn’t want to “get it wrong”. He wants to know what I want to do and what I like. He wants to know I’m ok and he’s got these gorgeous eyes that hold my attention…

It feels like much longer than a month. But it has only been 1 month – December 30th was the day we first met although we’d been talking a fair bit before that.

I think I might have found one of the good ones who haven’t yet been snapped up… Well, finger’s crossed anyway!

The thing is, I’ve realised over the years that as women – bear with me on my massive generalisation here – we tend to think that every guy we start dating is right for us, so we worry about whether or not he likes us. Whereas actually what we need to do is enjoy the time we spend together and work out whether he is someone that we like and whether or not he is the type of guy who enhances our life.

Perhaps because I’ve been through marriage and divorce already I’m less willing to settle, and much more aware of what I want and what I don’t want in a relationship – not that a person is ‘bad’ or ‘good’, but that everyone is their own person, and the discovery is whether or not you make a great team, and if you don’t there is not much point trying to force it. The sooner you let go, the sooner you are open to finding someone who may just be the one who does enhance your life instead of dragging you down and sapping your energy (you know if I’m talking to you right now!)

The Shy One is discovering who I am and I’m discovering who he is. If one of us realises we’re not good for each other that will be ok… but for now it’s Jamie Oliver’s Cookery School and other date nights for us!

Hoping we all find love in 2017… because it would just be nice to have it 🙂

Since I’m not dating at the moment – in truth I’ve had the odd date here and there but nothing to write home about – I thought I’d tell you about when I first started the internet dating.

After I got divorced I went into possibly the worst relationship experience of my life. At some point I’m sure I’ll get around to writing about it, but you probably wouldn’t believe it was real because it sounds like a soap opera. And I’m not kidding. One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

One of my very close friends recently told me that the guy in question apologised to her a short while ago. Apparently, he said he had come to realise that what he did, affected a great deal more people than he knew, and that he would apologise to everyone, starting with her. As far as I am aware he hasn’t apologised to anyone else and he certainly hasn’t apologised to me yet! I wonder if that will happen before I die. I am not going to count on it!

If you knew me at that time you may have seen me lose a LOT of weight. I have never been able to diet. As soon as I tell myself no more chocolate, I’ll buy 2 slabs of chocolate and eat it all. Then a tube of Pringles- a big one – and eat it all. I don’t eat loads of junk food, but if my brain says ‘diet’ my body reacts and eats a whole load of crap! I love food – that’s a given having Italian blood though right…? – and I could never give it up (shake anyone…?!)

The effect that relationship had on me was huge. I actually stopped eating. There was a time when I hibernated in my room and survived on a biscuit a day. I kid you not.

Want to know what saved me?

Actually, it’s a who…

Michael McIntyre. I will forever love him. In my darkest moments, he had me laughing out loud with belly laughs. I know his shows word for word and I still laugh belly laughs watching them. He got me back out of my room, smiling about life.

About a year later I told a close group of friends I was ready: I was going to get online and meet some guys (at the time I was living back home with my parents in a small town most of whom I knew from childhood and I was NOT going there!). Go on dates, have fun. If anything it would show me how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality.

I was going to go on dates and have fun! (Not sure it completely lived up to my expectations, but there were times when I loved dating)

If anything, I thought it would show me just how many guys are out there – sometimes we can get fixated that the person in front of us is the only person. It’s them or no-one. That’s not reality. Not everyone you date is going to be right for you. You might really like them and they don’t like you so much. They might feel like you’re a perfect fit but you don’t agree. Sometimes neither of you are particularly interested in the other. And that’s ok because you don’t want to settle, right!?

I do believe that as women we can get to the point where we go on a date and think the guy has to like us. We whine to our friends “Why didn’t he text or call to see if I got home?!”, “Why hasn’t he asked me out again?”, “What did I do wrong?” You didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe he just wasn’t that into you. Maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself “Is he someone I’d like to spend time with? Is he good for me? Or do I just want him to like me to satisfy my ego?”

Match.com was my website of choice. I liked that you have to input a minimum of information as well as photos so at least you know something about the person, other than what they look like.

I diligently filled out my profile, chose a variety of great photos and uploaded it all.

The other thing about Match that’s different from a lot of other dating sites and apps, is that anyone can message you.

That first night I joined Match I received 126 messages!!! There had to be someone in amongst all of those guys…

Being the considerate person that I am – or was, in this case – I decided I should reply to every single person who took the time to write to me. My thought was that if a guy had come up to me and started a conversation in a bar, it would be rude to just turn around and walk away without saying anything.

So, I spent hours replying whilst simultaneous screen-shotting messages and sending them to my friends and we shamelessly laughed and teased (how awful of us).

I thanked them for compliments. The outrageous got a strongly worded disapproving message. If I wasn’t interested I said as much. I’ve always been a firm believer in saying things how they are, so pretty much everyone received a polite ‘Thanks, but I’m not interested. Hope you find who you’re looking for’.

That is, until I got a really angry message back from one guy.

He was in a wheelchair and sent be back an enraged message of how dare I say I wasn’t interested just because he is disabled. I was devastated. I had no idea he was disabled – it wasn’t a reason. I just wasn’t interested. All I could see in his picture was his face and from looking at that and the message he sent I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t look at his profile.

I did reply to him but he had blocked me. Still, that wasn’t my fault and it said more about him. That’s a good thing to remember: How someone reacts say more about them than it does about you.

After that one I stuck to my guns and continued to reply to everyone. Some guys thanked me for being respectful but most didn’t reply and that was the end of that. Then came another angry message: He told me it would be better if I just ignored them and didn’t reply. So, I changed tack – and to be honest the messaged kept coming and I was getting fed up replying to people.

From then on, the end of my profile read:

“FYI I will not reply if I’m not interested. I tried replying to everyone but it ended up being worse.

p.s. If you ‘wink’ at me or ‘favourite’ me or write me a message that just says “hi”, I won’t be in touch or reply.”

This may be the era of equality and strong women but we still want men to be men. I do anyway. I want a man to make a move. If I see someone I like I’ll write them a message. But if you just wink at me or add me to your favourites but never even start a conversation…What’s the point?!

I suppose a lot of it is an ego boost. Maybe they get a buzz when they get a wink, a match or afavourite. Quite frankly, it’s a waste of time in my opinion.

Unfortunately I deleted a bunch of the early ones, but here are some of the more amusing messages I’ve received (I won’t bore you with the hundreds of very original ‘hi, you look hot”, “hi, how are you?” and “hi, i’m from hastings” messages).

Typos and misspellings have been left unaltered.

The poet:

Hello miss

I see your photo &

My thoughts of you are like raindrops on flowers…

My thoughts of you are like a full moon shining through a cloudy night sky…

Beautiful.

You are welcome to visit my profile & hope you like my food sculptures pictures

how are you?

Ben

Do you think this one’s getting at what I think he is…?

Whilst I may look like the angriest man in the world in my pics (must take a look at that), I am a very happy guy and full of life and energy, which I want to share with someone. Looks like you may have all the energy you could ever need physically so maybe we can share on a different level?

Ok, just come straight out and say it!

I just want to lick you out

Uh, no thanks.

This one made me laugh out loud (Match thought I lived in Broad Oak. I didn’t):

No idea where it is but the blokes in Broad Oak must be either blind or gay. Six pack, stunner and cool. Well enough about me but you ain’t half bad either. I’m moving to Broad Oak.

Bit of an odd opener:

…me and my mates are looking at what’s hopefully going to be the biggest new good trend, edible insects. We’re making a health food bar based around insect protein.

Not for me…!

Older men who love to think they will be the one you will make an exception for. My profile said I was looking for someone between 30 and 38. Did they count differently in your day? 53 doesn’t cut it!

Lovely photos and profile. It’s good to meet you.

Older honest loyal gent with integrity and a zest for life and fun.

often laughing at myself, smiling, would love to share a special moment with “the one”….

Do you have a chemistry set to test us for that elusive click???

Paul

The first add I have read that I actually wanted to go on longer!!

You’re intriguing and seem pretty special (in a nice way!)

I like to think I can dance but it’s not too coordinated!

I don’t think for one minute that I am going to get away with being 35 with 5 years experience. However I wouldn’t want to never know if there could have been a connection.

Dave x

Ok, so he had me laughing and I almost caved! An ‘add’… oh man, I’m advertising myself!

Younger men being all ‘mature’:

Despite not meeting your age request, I thought id ask you a a question anyways, do you believe we were right to go out to the Middle East?

You’re 25 and that’s your opening line?!

The cheesy chat up lines:

Hi how are you ? Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never gone on a date?

If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world…

Now as cheesy chat up lines go if that didn’t break the ice and make you smile i don’t know what will

Trying to tempt me into saying “no, I’m not…?”

Hey Naomi

I just read your profile. Brilliant…

If you didn’t so god dam amazing too I would attempt to engage in conversation with you!

You are way out of league I not even gonna try!!!

Not with that grammar…!

First dates ideas. What do you think?

Hi! How are you? I’m Lee. Would you say for a first date going drifting where you get taught how to do doughnuts and control a car in a power slide around a track a good idea?

evening evening my lady,,, you have the most perfect teeth!! ching ching….

Hope you have had a great weekend and are having a relaxing sunday eve ….

you have pretty special eyes too, who ever created you is a genius!! bravo! 🙂

Be great to chat ,, if not then good luck and enjoy your week

C x

Ooh, well done mum and dad! I always thought I had big teeth. Oh wait, you say that to everyone…

Beware the liars. This guy sent me this message, I never replied and then a while later send me the exact same message! Who are you trying to kid?!

Hey Naomi,

Pls forgive the wink and short email..

I am just sat on a plane and wanted to reach out..

If I may I will send u a longer more interesting email once I land haha

Have a great evening

JayJay..

The “What the hell am I reading?” messages:

Don’t fuck about I’m a better dancer then you

Every so often someone would take the time to write a really nice message, and they’re justa little insecure…

Hey there Naomi

I was just browsing and came across your profile and thought she seems really cool..

I am from London but was working in South East Asia for a while so have returned back home… Miss the lovely weather 🙂

You probably get loads of messages and so to be honest…why would you want to reply to mine…But….

I’m Open-minded, Generous, Happy, Fun, love to travel, love to meet new people, love music, extremely spontaneous and impulsive, ambitious and passionate about everything I do

I’m very much into Karma and Aura, and how things happen for a reason..and so in that state..I’m going to see if we are meant to be friends (which would mean you will reply to me)…or not.

Like Dr Pepper says “try it..you might like it”

Hope to hear from you

Kal.

PS a joke for you :

Whats the difference between the people from Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The People from Dubai do not watch “The Flintstones” where as the people from Abu Dhabi doooo!

x

Hi fitness entrepreneur who likes chocolate,

photo 8 … let me guess, Zumba … there is no single man in the auditorium (except the guy with the camera … perv). I would be terrified of tripping, kicking the chair off the stage or forgetting the next move and while thinking about it, everybody imitating me. How do you do that ??

Your sincerely,

Chocolate entrepreneur who likes fitness

The more quirky and inventive messages:

Aloha, Naomi.

Curiosity, the old mother of intelligence, led me to write this quick little letter to you.

As my silly profile text do a poor job at saying much about the person writing it I will attempt to introduce myself here:

My name is Rocko.

I am 72.8% water.

Leader of a small gang of book cover designers by day and children’s book illustrator by night.

I have learned how to ignite the fire within from an early age (learned that you shouldn’t place a fork inside a microwave oven around the same time) and luckily found my own voice in this crazy world.

If you didn’t find this little intro too weird and think that it could be fun to go for a milkshake with a guy like me someday why don’t you write me a line and say hello?

We could both end up with a new friend…

Stay cool, hang loose, admit nothing,

Rocko

Pretty much a marriage proposal…Well, if I end up getting desperate, I have his number! I wonder if it’s still his (I was trying to remember how long ago this was. I think it was 2014)

Hello Beaituful,

You are the princess I am waiting for longtime. Your pitures and profile drescription catch my attension. I am Belal, 25 years old. I am working as a cheff in a indian restaurnt . I am free everyday evening. I want to go out for a dinner/coffee/drink with you whenever is suitable for you. I am leaving my number for you

075**006585

. May be you can say hello in whats app.

I have good socialiable income and I am sure my girlfriend will be the happiest woman ever.

So, dont delay if you want to be the happiest woman ever. wink me and be happy in return.

with love

Belal

This one knows something I don’t know…

Hi how are you? You look like my future wife.?You are very pretty and attractive.your first impression is great.

I like get to know you better.i am IT expert.

Would you like go for drink?you seem kind person.

I am looking for serious relationship if i met the right person and i

Hope to hear from you soon

I like you and want to spend my life with you

The wear your heart on your sleeve kind of guy:

Hi how are you, i just want to tell you want to go to date with nice girl who love me care about me n I do the same for her and we respect to each other’s. I do construction work I do hard work n believe in hard work.

Wow princess u look amazing and out this world x I’d love to have a princess like u to sweep u off ur feet to cloud nine and make u mine x do u have what’s app so I may get to know u better sweetheart xxx if u ain’t shy xx

hi naomi so nice to see your profile it did make me smile. May i ask where are you from? I live near battersea and work near st pauls .

Ok a little more about me, lets see if this is better ( and so you do not think i am some type of freak or workaholic who crunches numbers all day to work out company performances,lol), I have been single now since may of last year, i finished the relationship myself but it lasted for 3 years, got v messy at the end and to be honest, i kinda buried myself into my work, went off to the US and recently decided i should join society. A friend of mine told me about the site so i thought i would give it ago, i am the kinda person who wears his heart on his sleeve so the idea of looking for someone for just one thing does not interest me at all (even though i do get some v weird messages on the site!)if i did want just that it would be easier to get it from a club or bar but the sex would be crap and it would mean nothing and then you have all that bullshit to follow the next day, no thank you! would just be nice to meet someone i kinda click with and see what develops, do i sound too soppy now,lol

Maybe stop saying all that in your first message and you might get somewhere…

Having deleted my dating apps I’m now slightly restricted in meeting new men. Being a fitness instructor means I generally work ‘anti-social’ hours – I’m teaching classes when people with ‘normal’ jobs are out having fun. And given that I teach dance fitness 99.9% of the people I meet during my working day are not ‘my type’!

Saturday night was an interesting night out given that it’s my first in quite a while outside of London. It was my cousin’s hen night (bachelorette) so it consisted in heavy drinking and fun tasks for my cousin to accomplish throughout the night.

After a tame dinner we made our way out for cocktails and dancing… But we got side-tracked by some live music. We started singing along walking down the road and went on a detour to discover where it was coming from.

Turns out it was a pub with a live band outside and a lot of people dancing along. It was an eclectic mix of people seemingly with nothing in common.

From the 70s clad group of men (there was no indication of a special occasion… Maybe this was their regular Saturday night get up…)

To the more ‘mature’ generation girating to the music…

To the 20-somethings group of lads celebrating someone’s birthday.

One of these guys was desperately trying to win me over. “Seriously I earn more than all the rest of them put together. And I’m by far the most intelligent.” He said having taken his shirt off and then tried to slow dance with me as if we were back in secondary school (high school) at the leaver’s ball (prom)! “What can I do to make you think I’m cool?”

Ugh

We moved on to one of the most strange places I’ve been to: a Chinese restaurant turned into red light district playing cheesy tunes and house. Some young guy was buying me ‘monkey brains’. If you hate vomit textured drinks don’t buy that!

Then these two guys were staring at me for most of the time we were there. Grow a pair wou do you! Eventually one of them came over and chatted with me. Or tried to anyway. This was a couple of months ago now and I literally cannot remember what he said. I do remember he works and lives in London though and was making some excuse about why he was out on the depths of Kent.

After not too long his slightly less attractive but more excitable friend joined us. He was buzzing and said we’d make the best wedding couple. WTH!

Apparently I looked great in black. So was this to be a funeral or a wedding?!

I didn’t give him my number. I said he could take me out if he managed to find me online and get in touch.

Last time you heard from me I’d deleted my dating apps. Tinder, gone. Match, gone. Inner Circle, gone. Bumble, gone. Before I deleted Match there was one guy I was interested in and had exchanged one or two messages with. So, I left him my number, explained I was deleting the app and said get in touch if you want.

Before I deleted Match there was one guy I was interested in and had exchanged one or two messages with. So, I left him my number, explained I was deleting the app and said get in touch if you want.

(I’d also been chatting with an Aussie guy on Tinder… more about him later.)

About 3 weeks later a text arrived from M. We exchanged a couple of texts before he asked me if I was around the following weekend to meet up.

As it happened I’d just cancelled something I had planned for that weekend, so I was available and he asked for my Saturday evening.

It had been a gorgeous sunny day but was a little cooler in the evening breeze. I made an effort but was wearing a simple outfit: dark jeans and a light top with heels. As I walked to Putney Bridge to meet M, I did a quick video catch up with Cass explaining I knew pretty much nothing about him except he is 29 – my little brother’s age – is a 6 foot 2 optometrist and lives just across the bridge from me.

That’s it. We hadn’t spoken on the phone and had sent only a couple of texts to arrange the date. Given how often people cancel arrangements I had taken the plans with a pinch of salt thinking he may text to cancel at any time… but he didn’t.

I was excited but also a little nervous as I headed to our meeting place wondering where exactly we would actually meet and if we would recognise each other – always a danger when ‘meeting’ online! Will he be 4 feet tall? Will he have crazy facial hair? Will he be dressed like a tramp…? What is my plan for getting out of this without just have that shocked expression, turning and running away screaming, arms flailing…!

At 8 o’clock on the dot he called me. “Hey Naomi! It’s M.” After the quick “how are yous?” I added, “I’m walking down, probably about 5 minutes away.” He replied, “Great, see you soon!”

Either he was there and waiting or he was also running a little late, but it was thoughtful of him to call me so I wouldn’t have been there standing around on a street corner or thinking I’d been stood up!

I reached the bridge and looked around. I couldn’t see anyone resembling him so I made my way across the bridge looking out at the beautiful views across the river Thames. I find the river so invigorating, but calming at the same time. It’s where I go to reflect and recharge.

Just as I got to the south side of the river M called me again. He’d walked over to my side and we must have crossed over!

Maybe he doesn’t look anything like his photos, given that we must have walked straight past each other and not noticed. Oh, but that also means that I don’t look like mine…

He walked back over to me and I waited trying to look as nonchalant as possible.

As he walked up to me, beaming smile on his face, he told me how amazing I looked. Good start 😉

He looked good too, although I questioned why he was wearing a sweater in that heat…and he laughed nervously and said he thought the same thing. Even though he wasn’t wearing anything under it, he said he’d still give it me if I got cold! Ha!

We went to a riverside bar and got a drink. Anyone who takes me to the river automatically gets points. We managed to find a cosy table and sat back next to each other on the cushions.

Fairly relaxed chat although he would kind of freak out at questions. At one point I even found myself saying ‘Just say what you think or what it is, without wondering if I’m going to like the answer because if I like it then it means I like the real you, and if I like something you tell me that’s not true, then that would be a bit crappy’… or something along those lines.

I don’t know why but I felt really ‘old’ with him. There are younger guys I’ve been out with and felt just the same, normal. But this was weird, like I was having to teach him about life. He was cute, shy, nervous… But that’s not really what I’m looking for.

Cass sent me a video of herself in Cali and since M had gone to get another drink, I was watching it. As he came back he caught the end of it and she was asking me to send a video.

So I did and then… he tried to kiss me on it. He actually half stood up and did a sideways swoop to dive in… I’m like whoaw!

The bar was closing and he asked what I’d like to do, to which I replied ‘go to bed’ without even thinking twice. I said he could walk me across the bridge if he wanted to.

We walked across still chatting, and he held me. He has a good, strong body which I could feel supporting me – I love that. I turned to him to say goodbye and then came the most awkward thing I’ve been asked…

“uh, so… do you… like…. have coffee at your place or something..?

I couldn’t help myself. I just burst out laughing. “Actually, I do have coffee but you’re not coming to have any tonight.”

But I did say I’d like to see him again. I wanted to see if the shyness was him, or a first date thing.

We arranged for Sunday… Saturday came…

“Hey Max, just checking in for tomorrow…?”

“Defo up for tomorrow. Is the evening good for you?”

Sunday came. Sunday went.

“What’s the story Max? Hope everything is ok…?”

Now, I know emergencies come up and I would never assume that someone has just stood me up just in case. I’ll also never let someone get off lightly but just leaving it. They need to explain and apologise for wasting my time.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot! Thought we arranged for Monday for some reason.”

He never got a reply from me. He was ‘fobbing me off’ as my dear mother would say…

This turned into a blissful relationship-heading, whirlwind time full of excitement and never ending smiles ..

I knew very little about him. I didn’t know his past and I never asked because of those words the first time of why he didn’t want to see me anymore without much explanation. In my mind there was something in his past that he wanted to leave behind and I’m good with that because I had nothing to do with his past! In saying this, although open minded as I always profess I am, I was also quite cautious with that whole ‘once bitten twice shy’ type of thinking.

I am very big on a past being exactly that. It’s none of my business unless someone wants to share parts of their life prior to you, with you. Of course this happens as you get to know each other but it is usually only the relevant things that we tend to bring up. Things like an awesome experience or maybe something from your childhood. Things about your family, where you grew up and so forth. We may talk about past relationships and where they went wrong. Places we have traveled to or jobs we have worked in. There are often parts of our past we don’t feel a need to share and also some things we just don’t want to remember. That’s ok because we all have those things. A life is lived through ups and downs and things we have excelled in and then things we wish we could have done better. We learn and hopefully they make us better people.

This ‘relationship’ whatever it was, was unlike no other. I could spend days talking about parts of it and still not be able to explain it properly. Eyes Guy would be an incredibly attentive, caring and thoughtful man. He would sit on the couch with me and just want to touch me as he watched his favourite TV show. I remember one night I was standing up at the table away from him eating pineapple pieces (random night time urge) watching a current affairs show with a story on Cuba. Of course in the background they were playing Cuban Salsa and it was a very well known song especially in my ‘Zumba’ world. I’m quite used to just keeping a low profile. I don’t need too much attention I just cruise along. I was busy eating my pineapple and watching TV (was a very interesting story) and I guess I was dancing a little to the music minding my own business. I instinctively felt eyes upon me and looked at Eyes Guy. He had this intense look in his eyes with a sort of knowing smile. It was freaky! You know when you have no idea someone has been watching you and then you find out? Suddenly you feel vulnerable and I shyly said ‘What???’ He said ‘You are just so cute!’ Then he said ‘Can you please come here?’ Of course I said ‘Why?????’ He said ‘Just come here… Please…’

So I walked over to him
He took his hands, put them on either side of my face and kissed me with intensity.
Then I went back to my pineapple as he continued with that sweet look of happiness towards me.

It’s those small moments that you remember and hold onto. They are the real moments that you cannot force, they just happen on their own.

There were other moments too. I would go to see him after teaching a sweaty class. He gets up for work early therefore went to bed earlier than me normally. I would rush over and usually not eat dinner (I never told him this) just so I would not upset him by taking too long. He seemed to have his ways he liked things to be. Not aggressively more of an OCD type of way. I just wanted to be there and spend some time. I remember a time I stripped off out of my sweaty zumba clothes and jumped in the shower to get clean and next minute he was getting in too! No… It wasn’t a dirty-mind moment, it was quite the opposite. He just gently started washing me. I’d not experienced this before as usually a man wants to shower with you for other reasons!!! There was no other reason. Just a man wanting to be sweet and do something thoughtful. This happened a number of times. Some nurturing and some raw and passionate. Sometimes there was one leading to another. Let’s just say that showering was never dull at his place unless I was there alone.

Whenever we slept in the same bed he would sleep the whole night completely wrapped around me. If I moved (I’m not good at this and lie awake for hours not wanting to move in case I woke him!) because I need personal space when I sleep (does anyone else find feet touching your feet creepy?) he would find me subconsciously and just need to be touching me.

In the morning when he got up for work I would wake as I’m a light sleeper but he would do his best to stay quiet. He would always come back into his room and say goodbye. I would sleepily kneel up to hug him with my eyes half closed (you know as you do like a kid so you don’t wake up too much???) and usually tell him how nice he looked. He always looked so handsome dressed to go to work. It’s a nice change to see a man dressed well for work as a contrast to casual Queensland clothes. If I didn’t wake up as much I remember he would kiss me gently on my forehead and leave me to sleep (that would be the BEST sleep all night!!! Hahaha I’m really not used to sharing a bed!) That sweet tender kiss on my head to say goodbye …

All these little moments were amazing and I looked forward to them. My problem was that there were other ‘moments’ that made no sense. I wouldn’t hear from him and then suddenly I would. He would be busy and seeing him was always on his terms never on mine. We only saw each other at his house. He still knew very little about my daily life. I never met his friends and I still to this day don’t think they know I exist. If they do, they would have no idea who I am to him.

On the opposite side, I know them all very well. I know their names, what they do, who they are to him. I know his mum and dad and his sister very well! None of them know me. I know of his past life, he had given away at that point. He was a DJ in a well known venue on a Sunday night. It was not his main line of work but something he was passionate about and apparently immersed in for a long time. I never knew him as that person, so how and why he left that behind was none of my business. I liked the person I met as who he was, at that point.

I never referred to him as my boyfriend. I never felt like I was acknowledged in return either. He was ‘someone I met’ or ‘someone I’m seeing’. I was having a conversation one time and used the term ‘boyfriend’ awkwardly in referring to Eyes Guy purely to avoid a needless explanation. I uncomfortably told him about it and asked if that upset him if I called him that. I don’t remember what he said but I never used that term again about him. I got it… To him, I wasn’t that special.

One night I had a good friend from overseas in town. I invited her and another friend to meet me for dinner. Eyes Guys had been expecting me over that night. I had arranged dinner near his place and bravely worked up the courage to invite him to come. That meant almost being a ‘couple’ and meeting my very much-loved friends. He said he would come!!

There was an awesome outdoor dance event on too which I was excited to watch with everyone first. I drove to his place and as I was arriving he called and said he was tired and not coming. I said OK and clearly sounded disappointed. He told me that he visited some mates and had a couple of beers which made him tired and he has been lying down and wants to stay there. I was being the low drama chick that I am and although incredibly deflated I was going along with it. He asked where I was and I said that I was right by his place but that’s ok. He then said assertively ‘No, I’ve let you down and that’s not fair. Give me fifteen minutes to shower and get ready, I’m coming with you!’

To this day he has no idea how happy that made me to hear!! I wanted to hold his hand and enjoy a nice night with my friends… And him. He and I were having s great time watching the dance groups under the stars. He started acted strange after my friends arrived and wanted to go home. I felt a mixture of embarrassment because it was rude to my friends who had gone way out of their way to be there, embarrassment because my friends must have felt bad for me, and confusion in his behaviour.

We got back to his place and he told me that he is uncomfortable around me because I don’t drink. He said he doesn’t know how to act as he doesn’t have friends who don’t drink. He found it strange and didn’t know how to be.

(Ummm.. Normal???)

Ok, so at least there was something making some sense now. He always had this awkwardness about him at night thinking I didn’t notice there was vodka in his ‘orange juice’. Did he think I never noticed the dramatic changes in the levels of the vodka bottle on top of the kitchen cupboard each time I visited? Did he think I couldn’t taste the alcohol on his breath when he kissed me? And let’s mention one time I went to bed before him and woke up hours later without him. I went out half asleep to see where he was and he quickly tried to hide the vodka bottle he was emptying into his ‘orange juice’. I pretended I didn’t see anything as he nervously blurted out ‘What are you doing?’. I just took it all in, kissed his cheek and went back to bed so he didn’t feel like I noticed… I did… I always did.

To my close friends he was a whole other person and even they struggled to help me work it all out. We went out on a ‘date’ one night. Well in his best thinking. I never went out with him to dinner so I asked if we could do that. I wanted to wear a hot dress and heels for him, dress up and feel pretty. We just walked down the street which was fine cause that area is full of nice places. He held my hand across the table as we sat which surprised me, although I must say when we went walking out and about he did always hold my hand. I love holding hands. I’m typically not much of a touchy-feely person but holding hands makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! That was one of the very few, if only times he told me I looked beautiful up to this point. I asked out of interest in conversation did he find me attractive at all and he replied asking why would I question that? I told him because I honestly don’t know because he never says anything like that. He told me if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have a hard penis would he? Well my thinking is that this is irrelevant … I mean… Don’t guys wake up with erections? Don’t they have ‘wet dreams’? Added to this, we all know their dedication to masturbating! All of these situations involve erect penises and have nothing to do with me so that whole answer doesn’t really have much credibility!

Basically, in those moments when you are naked with someone feeling exposed and vulnerable, feeling a crazy connection and incredible passion between you, a girl still needs the simplest of things, and that is to feel relaxed and confident … A girl just wants to be told she is beautiful or sexy or looks hot or whatever it might be. Having that thought in your head of ‘Maybe he doesn’t really like me that much after all and just likes sex’ and all sorts of self conscious thoughts don’t make immersing yourself in the moment and letting go easy.

Let’s just say it… Sex was amazing. It was amazing before we even actually got anywhere with it. Kissing him was always as mentioned, like my kryptonite. I would just melt into him the moment he pushed his lips to mine. Chemistry is something you cannot make happen. It just does or it doesn’t. It always did and without being too biological, physically it was intense. That aside, one thing that never happened was me! As much as I enjoyed every moment of every encounter, I never reached that place that strokes a mans ego and has him fist pump and high five himself, to himself. That part where he tells himself ‘oh fuck yeah… You’re the man’.

Guess what… I didn’t really care. It was the experience of the ride not the final destination that I enjoyed the most. Especially the part where i got to fist pump and high five myself and tell myself that I was ‘the man’… So to speak!

Hey, I am very much a giver and my satisfaction is in giving satisfaction. The longer it went on, I think the more it etched away at his ego in that way, as much as I told him it’s no big deal. I still understood though.

Here you go guys… Here is what it was for me.

(Insert deep breath and type away Cass!).
GAHhhhhh!!!

Two things … I felt like when he would go down on me (not in every encounter) that he didn’t really enjoy doing it. When he did he would get annoyed I took too long. Therefore in my mind I’m thinking about him not liking doing this for me and ‘oh no he is getting annoyed at me’…Women orgasm with their minds as much as their bodies as we know. I was never going to like that. Also, I would start enjoying what he was doing and he would change it. This lead me to believe he didn’t know too much about this and it would make sense since he didn’t enjoy it.
Then there was sex itself. Does anyone remember the song with the line ‘She only cums when she’s on top’?

“This bed is on fire with passionate love
The neighbors complain about the noises above
But she only cums when she’s on top”
(The song LAID is from 1993 and by the Manchester band JAMES.. Great song!)

You see the older you get the more comfortable you become knowing your body. I’m quite shy especially initially and I’m also very sensitive about other people’s feelings. I had told him I cum on top as most women do. Let’s add in the lack of confidence given to me (no compliments or noted comments) and being on top, exposed, being watched so closely, completely vulnerable and having him tell me numerous times he didn’t like how it felt for him when i was on top and again, my head is telling me to hurry up because he doesn’t like it and I’m a burden. I also never felt him touch my body or make me feel like he liked how it felt or what it looked like. One reason is because he never told me and because he never took the time to admire, touch to even kiss it.

Can you believe though despite all of this, our naked time was still something to shout about … It’s difficult to explain.

Around the six week mark he became distant. I didn’t hear from him much for most of the week and towards the end of the week, nothing. Eventually we spoke on the phone and he said that people in his life always leave and they don’t understand who he really is, they just leave him. He told me I understand him and he doesn’t want me to leave him. He sounded a bit stressed and looking back… Drunk?

Within a few days I got another call saying he didn’t want to see me again. He doesn’t feel anything for me. We don’t have any connection and that’s it.

I text him and said don’t I have a say in this??? He said that I didn’t. I was again, left confused. If there was one thing we DID have it was a connection. A ridiculous connection. I sent a text and said I was going to finish class and come over and talk to him … Cause you know, that’s what adults do!! He replied and said that he won’t be home from work until late. I said it’s ok, I’ll just come over and wait until you get home. He rang me and had the most evil tone in his voice. He told me that if he gets home and I’m at his place waiting for him he will ring the police and tell them I am stalking him!!!

OMG … Who WAS this person on the phone?

I just went home and that was it, again.
Done | Finished | Over | No Idea Why

It’s London and the vast majority of people here are working on their career. They came to the big city to get ahead, make money, build a career. And yes, we’re busy. We’re all so crazily busy.

It all comes down to priorities and it seems that the London man (and woman?) is not at all interested in building relationships…at least not a lasting one with a female.

They’re interested in getting laid in the cheapest and quickest way possible. So if you don’t live within 30 mins journey time (actually it’s probably more like 15) then you’re out. No one can be bothered. Unless of course as the woman you are happy to go to them.

What happened to chivalry? What happened to a man courting a woman? Trying to win her?

I don’t just blame men. There must be so many of us women who are only too happy to run around after men that they can afford to have become so arrogant and actually just plain rude.

The Lion is 27. He ‘super liked’ me on Tinder. I looked at his photos and instinctively went to swipe left. Then the two short sentences written below caught my attention:

Passionate, very ambitious, fun loving and old fashioned gent. Life’s one massive adventure!

My eyes flicked up ‘Managing director at The Albero’.*

I looked up the company and I was swayed: He clearly has a head on his shoulders.

Hmmm…perhaps I should broaden my physical requirements.

I swiped right.

He wrote to me immediately. We just clicked. That same evening he asked for my number and then next day he called me. We talked on the phone for two hours.

I have to admit, I did start to get excited. Not only did he pick up a phone and call me – instead of the seemingly endless Whatsapp messaging that is prolific – he spoke with me on the phone all evening and actually wanted to continue the conversation.

And then the thought came: I knew, as soon as I start to get excited something goes wrong. Cass get’s this same feeling and we’d recently talked about it when she’d met one of her most recent dates who seemed so great… oh dear.

The Lion was continually in touch by text and then later that week spoke again on the phone with a lengthy, fun and interesting conversation. I was really excited to meet him the following Tuesday.

He lives in north London – zone 5. I lived west London zone 3 at the time. His office is in Shoreditch – again, miles away.

But Tuesdays I don’t generally teach in the evening except sometimes salsa in Moorgate. The following Tuesday I had a meeting in Old Street and we arranged to meet after that.

As I arrived at the pub I was apprehensive wondering if it would be the same as always – when you get on with them so well on the phone, meet and there’s nothing there…bleh

I walked towards the entrance and there was this tall, handsome man wearing a suit and as I recognised him, in my head I went ‘yes!’ *fist pump*. Cue beaming smile.
We had such a fun time. A couple of drinks. Then we went to a Vietnamese place for dinner. Then to this hidden away bar with the weirdest selection of boudoir furniture and drapes from the ceiling.

By that time – very late – we’d spent about 5 hours together and were giddy and all over each other. Result!

The next time we met was after one of my salsa classes – again, his side of Town. I texted him between classes and he said yes, let’s meet, he was working late. He asked if I’d eaten. No.

We met at the Tramshed. It’s expensive. I was waiting at the bar being chatted up by one of the female barmaids. He called me as he was leaving the office talking with me all the way till he reached the restaurant. Her face when he walked in.

He’s so charismatic. The kind of guy who everyone notices when he walks in the room. He kissed me and sat down. Our eyes didn’t leave each other from the moment he walked in.

Another incredible night was had. He asked if I was doing anything Sunday. Could we meet up and go to the boat race together? And that it would turn into an evening out and probably Monday together too given it was a bank holiday.

I’m not going to lie. I was really looking forward to it. We didn’t talk too much the rest of that week. We were both busy. That’s ok.

Sunday morning arrived and I hadn’t heard anything. I asked him where he wanted to meet or if something had come up. Later that evening he texted me to say he’d been in hospital with his mum all day and he’d call tomorrow to explain.

He didn’t call. He texted me and told me what had happened. Said we’d try to arrange something that week.

Less and less contact. In the end I took control and said looks like you’ve lost interest, that’s ok. Would have preferred you to just say. I wish you well.

Then came the agreement that yes we were good but wrong time. He was just too busy. He said he wasn’t managing his time well enough with work and friends at the moment and he needed to work on sorting that out.

So I deleted his number to prevent myself from contacting him because I know he would have taken the opportunity but it wasn’t going anywhere. It wasn’t his priority right now.

We did try to meet up. Occasionally I’d ask and occasionally he would. But we could never make it quite work.

I was at least happy that a man had finally shown some respect and told me. His message out of the blue one day read:

Sorry I’ve not been in touch, just too busy. This isn’t really going to work and isn’t fair on you. I’ve got a mega couple of months coming up with work and I’m away pretty much every other weekend now for weddings and stag dos, then I shall be working the ones when I’m in London.

Moving on.

The Canadian – 29 – was the last straw.

Again, not the type of guy I would normally go for so I wasn’t particularly bothered. Suit. Sales. North London. As it turns out, as full of sh*t as the next guy!

The Canadian was sooo into me. He wanted to talk on the phone. Points won for a good start. Then he FaceTimed me! Woah, I was not ready for that laying in bed with not a lot on… We had a quick chat.

Messages were exchanged and FaceTime calls made over the next couple of weeks as we attempted to find a time when we could meet up. He had a friend visiting and was quite tied up. Golf at the weekend – which I imagined was with his friend. But apparently no, he’d left his friend on his own for pretty much the whole day, and you can’t meet me for a couple of hours…? Alarm bells.

I suggested we leave it since it seemed so difficult to find a time we could both do – bloody life of a fitness instructor working when all the ‘normal’ people are not! But he insisted he really wanted to meet me.

So we settled on a Monday lunchtime.

Sunday night FaceTime and Mr Canada says ‘If we can meet near my office we can grab a quick bite’.

I’m sorry, you what?! You want me to travel 50 mins there and then 50 mins back again for a ‘quick bite’. I don’t think so.

I told him. No.

Again, he insisted he really wanted to meet me… but, and get this: “I need someone who can understand how busy my schedule is”.

Are you kidding me?! What a self-absorbed, arrogant prick.

I explained calmly that I am also busy, whilst I may not have a job with ‘regular hours’. I told him that I was fed up of guys thinking that I have to fit around their busy schedule with no regard for my own. I value my time and my attention and I give it where I want to, where I feel it’s appreciated and it’s worthwhile. This doesn’t sit right with me.

The message was quite a lot longer than that but you get the gist.

He replied ‘I totally understand. I think we should meet and see how it goes.’ Apparently It was unfair of him to short change me on time and was I free to meet Saturday afternoon? I’m sorry, am I supposed to be bowing at your feet?! Who the hell is this guy!

I said I’d think about it.

I did think about it. I thought maybe I was being too pissy because of other “I’m too busy stories.” So later I agreed. What’s the harm in meeting and seeing what happens.

We stayed in touch all week and I flew off last minute to Romania Thursday-Saturday morning. When I landed Saturday I turned on my phone to read: