WARNING: To my teenager—I know you read my blog and this special warning is just for you…I am going to talk about sex…parental unit sex. So, to prevent temporary blindness, I advise you to stop reading now. Go back to your Instagram or texting or whatever multi-electronic tasking you’re doing. Do not read this post! It’s for your own good! Love, Mom

Remember all the talks in school about abstaining from SEX! Sex, sex, sex…do not have sex. And, what did you want to do every time you were alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend?! Yep! Have sex. Any which way you could.

My mother was a staunch conservative Christian woman and if I heard the “petting is wrong and leads to sex” talk once, I heard it a thousand times. “Petting”…whoever made up such a stupid word for foreplay?! Ick! Wait till you get married, she’d say. Then, it’s ok. Have all the sex you want.

Fast forward to married life and fucking your brains out. Yes, I arrived at Funkytown! I am staying here forever. This place rocks! Young bodies, in love, crazy chemistry, energy for days and zero interruptions. Ding! Ding! Ding! WINNER We can have sex in the kitchen, in the garage, in the backyard on the picnic table. Heck, we can have sex on a picnic table at a park if we want to. (Um, without getting a ticket for public nudity!) And, there was that one time in the department store dressing room…

One of my favorite things was always “Sunday sex!” Home after church, changing clothes and BAM, crazy sex with one dress sock on and pantyhose hanging off one leg. (Yes, I’ve been married since pantyhose!) Followed by a nap. Yes, an actual nap! Remember those?

All this sex was BK (Before Kids).

I always heard that sex after kids could be different. I didn’t believe it though. I thought, nope, not us! We will always be “preferred guests” in Funkytown. Shoot! Sex droughts only happen to boring people who don’t try very hard. Lame!

And, now, here we are…27 years, two careers and two kids later. Sex? Still awesome! Sadly, they took our “preferred status” away, in Funkytown, and our picture no longer hangs on the Wall of Fame! Are we boring? Did we stop trying very hard? The answer is, “fuck no!” We’re too fucking busy, too fucking tired and our daughters bedroom is right fucking next to ours. WTF!

Also, there’s the Spanish Inquisition I engage in with our kids…15 Going on 30 claims she’s heard us and it’s gross and we should not ever do ‘that’ while she is home. 7 Going on 17 is grasping the concept of sex and chimes in with her own ewes and icks and instructions for abstaining from PDA or ‘that’ ever. Mood killer? You guess it!

I decided to gross them both out and I said, “So, where do you think you two came from?” That went over like a giant fart in church. “Mom, you’re disgusting!” (mission accomplished, mwah ha ha haaaaa)

My observation here is this—change is inevitable, we all know this. And sex is an extremely important element in most relationships. So, seeing the change, embracing it and deciding what to do about it are imperative! One thing I’ve learned is communication is key. If you don’t talk about it, the mind stories start building and they go something like this:

{WIFE}“My body doesn’t look like it used to and I don’t feel sexy. He doesn’t compliment me like he used to, so he’s probably wishing he was having sex with a waitress from the Tilted Kilt instead. Plus, I’m exhausted by the time the kids go to bed/sleep and all I want to do is not think, not do for anyone and just relax and then fall into a deep sleep until it’s time to wake up way too early and do it all again. I think about having sex with him every day. Then the day happens and the kids give me a hard time, we have an awkward conversation about what dad I and I did when we were in high school (or didn’t do…wink wink) and then it’s hustle bustle, laundry, lunches, homework, workout, showers, a glass of wine and fall into bed!”

{HUSBAND}“I love having sex with my wife, but she doesn’t seem interested. I wonder if she’s “getting it” somewhere else. Probably! I know I don’t compliment her enough or plan date nights like she wants. I really do love her!! I’m just so damn tired all the time. I’m stressed at work and trying to coach the kids teams and just keep it all together. It would really help if she slipped into some lingerie and then fucked my brains out every night! I bet that waitress at the Kilt does that with her boyfriend…”

Venus and Mars?! For sure!

As a woman, I can only speak from my experience and I definitely notice that “being a mom” has changed the way I show up or don’t show up when it comes to sex. Sometimes I’ve got to plan ahead and take that mom hat off earlier and put on the sexy sexy hat. Instead of feeling like I’m giving something more and my basket is already empty from the day, I can shift my mindset. It’s really less about giving and more about connecting with that one person that you dig more than anyone else in the whole world.

Stay connected and get creative! Don’t give up. It’s important. It’s still awesome. It just takes a lot more creativity and a little planning and that plaque will be back up on the wall in Funkytown in no time. Make the effort! Plan the weekend getaway! Start the date nights. Invest in thicker wall insulation. Would your kids rather hear you “loving” or fighting?! They’ll get over it. Hopefully.