Shepard survived the Crucible. These are the Alliance files charting his time spent recovering in hospital. COMEDY, not to be taken too seriously. **WARNING** Shepard has hacked my account and is replying to all reviews. Proceed with caution.

A/N: These are in no particular order. Facebook owns Facebook, Twitter owns Twitter, Bioware owns everything else, I'm just playing with their toys. Apologies for any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes, trying to write this on my phone!

Complainant alleges that LCDR SHEPARD, J. inappropriately touched her buttocks after bending over to retrieve cutlery items dropped by Shepard. Claims that this is not the first instance of this occurring.

UPDATE: Case cannot be investigated further due to lack of evidence and LCDR SHEPARD J.'s SPECTRE status.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Unresolved.

ALLIANCE REQUISITION ORDER 7624578

From: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Dispatch Location: KCH, London

Item(s): Chocolate, 2kg

Reason: I saved the galaxy three times. I deserve a treat.

-REQUEST DENIED. AUTH: R.O. 531 REASON: Unnecessary

-REQUEST HELD

-REQUEST APPROVED. AUTH: ADM HACKETT, S.

Alliance Security Log 26956.A-84

Complaint of Aggravating Behaviour

Complainant: KCH London Administration Board

KCH allege that patient LCDR SHEPARD, J. hacked into hospital P.A. system and played 'Knockin' On Heaven's Door' by vintage band Guns N Roses repeatedly, to all wards. This caused severe discomfort and anguish to many patients and visitors and led to multiple complaints to hospital staff.

UPDATE: Source of hacking confirmed to be LCDR SHEPARD, J.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed and ordered to apologise.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

CASE RE-OPENED.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. 'apologised' by again hacking the KCH P.A. system and playing 'I'm Not Sorry' by vintage band The Pigeon Detectives followed by a looped sample of 'Killing In The Name' by vintage band Rage Against The Machine, containing the lyrics "F*** you, I won't do what you tell me". This led to multiple complaints to KCH staff.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has been interviewed in spite of 'severe headaches' and has issued a formal written apology, forwarded to KCH admin, to be in turn forwarded to all staff and patients. Message had to be edited to remove several cleverly hidden swear words.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD, J. has admitted to hacking attempts. Claims to find the stories offensive based on 'factual inaccuracies'. Upon being asked if he was homophobic, he replied that he was only offended by several stories portraying MAJ ALENKO, K. as having a larger penis.

UPDATE: LCDR SHEPARD has agreed to refrain from hacking the site further. Site proprietor has agreed to change rules so that from now on, all stories have to portray Shepard as having a larger penis than anyone else.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

Alliance Security Log 31547.B-21

Missing Person Report

Subject: LCDR SHEPARD, J.

Location: KCH, London Patient reported missing from hospital room.

UPDATE: Subject found at nearby fast food franchise. Attacked five members of Alliance Security sent to retrieve him. Found to be in possession of Omni-Tool containing Tactical Cloak program. Claims reason for disappearance as 'Bad hospital food'. Was eventually removed by volunteer krogan squad. Subject repeatedly sang 'I Want To Break Free'.

UPDATE: Omni-Tool confiscated. Subject banned from being in possession of Omni-Tools until further notice. Subject returned to hospital. Hospital security review pending.

CASE STATUS: Closed, Resolved.

A/N Congrats on making it this far. Please review, any feedback is appreciated. Also, yes I know its extremely unlikely that it would take a squad of krogan to get a sick Shepard back in to hospital, but it took a two billion year old supercomputer to put him there in the first place!

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.