"This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we only endeavor to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened onto the perfect story!" ~ Christopher Moore, Fool

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Three weird things in Sam's apartment. And please note that I'm making an observation and not judging.

1. I opened a cupboard that holds towels and other assorted bathroom sundries. It's a very nice, neat and clean, well ordered closet. Except for one weird thing: in a pile in the cupboard was a pile of mismatched socks. Not sure why it strikes me as funny but I usually have my mismatched socks in the bottom of the hamper or in a laundry basket, not stacked neatly on a shelf in a cupboard.

2.Another odd pile: in the living room, on the corner of the floor, was a pile of purses and wallets. And they didn't belong to me. It was a conversation to be had. Nope, he's not a cross dressing (but with my luck with men it wouldn't surprise me and it would figure) and he's not seeing someone else. These are 3 purses that belonged to his ex-wife. His son brought them her to give to a grandmother but he forgot. So the purses were left there. And now they belong to me. One is a Vera Bradly with a matching wallet, and the other is creme-sicle orange Liz Claiborne. Pictures will be forthcoming.

3.I have a key to his apartment. He had it made especially for me. It's pink with a crown on it. and pink sparkles. It says "Princess" on it and it's damn cute. Hey he gave me a key. And something pink and shiny. How cool is that?

Monday, September 24, 2012

Well... I'm happy to report that
I've officially lost 31 pounds. We can't count the entire month of July.
If there was a month version of me, my diet and July it would be
something like "The Girl Who Ate Independence" or "The Girl Who Swallowed
July"... I gained weight, and then lost again...

But the total is 31 pounds if we count all the weight I've lost, gained back, and then re-lost. That's 2 whole pants sizes!!!!!!

And I am thrilled!

I have all sorts of cool problems, now.

Let's see... none of my pants fits. I
can add a belt to my jeans and that is solved, mostly. A couple pairs
look like I have a load in the seat, or a "wee-nis" (when your pants
create the illusion of a penis by tenting in the front and you're a
woman) but for the most part, I can get by with jeans fine. With
tailored dress pants it's a whole other story. They ride low on my hips
so they are waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long, even with 3 inch heels. The crotch
hangs to mid thigh and the seat is really baggy. Most of my dress
trousers do NOT have belt loops so they slide to my hips regardless.
Lots of shirts just are TOO BIG. Shirt sleeves reach the elbow, the
armpit hangs to my hips, they swim on me! Again, I am completely NOT
complaining- it's a very cool problem to have. And thankfully my
birthday is in 2 days so I might get $$$ for clothes! And thankfully
Photographer has gifted me 3 garbage bags of clothes that I've been
pulling stuff out of to wear. And Third thankfully, I found a few
vintage clothing shops that are super reasonable so I have a place to
get some affordable, nice quality clothing (I got a pair of Cato jeans, a
pair of Tommy jeans, and a pair of Lane Bryant Blue Dot Right Fit- all
in a size smaller- all three pairs for $19. And the Tommys still had
the store tags still on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love, love, love the weight loss.
I'm not sure how much more I can continue to lose without exercising. At
this point, I have a feeling about 10 more pounds then I'm going to
have to start walking or swimming or something. (I wish I lived where I
could paddle a kayak!)

But it's coming off. Slow and steady
wins the race, I know. And with the holidays approaching, if I'm
totally honest, I just want to maintain (and lose if possible) but with
cookies and candy and yummies, it will be a struggle.

But I'm still hitting it hard, eating right, doing shakes and it seems to be paying off!! Off the hips, off the thighs,...!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I HATE this new blogger interface crap. I can't find what I want and I hate the new buttons and it just frustrates me. It sucks. And lately I don't have LOTS of extra time to blog so when I sit down to do it, I just want to be able to zip through. And with the new, I can't. Also, I type faster than this can display which throws off my typing mojo because my head is saying something that's not appearing on the the screen which my fingers are typing.

I'm busy. Like really busy. Our corporate headquarters is doing a HUGE fundraiser this weekend and I was hand selected to be on the committee. And the woman in charge was just sent to a conference for the 3 days before the event so all the details are falling to me.

I don't feel like I have very much to write about

I have discovered Pinterest. Oh. My. God. Now, I've never done crack but this has to be what crack is like. I think I'll just Pinterest for a few minutes and I look at the clock and three hours have flown by. I'm a junkie. I'm addicted. It's like hoarding, but on the Internet. Holy Moly!

The Voice: I've never watched this show until this year and it's WOW!!! So I spend time watching TV that I wouldn't normally had spent- it's on 3 times a week!!!! I think I'm more committed to The Voice than I have been in previous relationships.

And this is why I haven't blogged for awhile. But I'm going to be better. Soon.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I stood in the library, looking at my students and most of them were just toddlers when it happened. To them it's a piece of history, something their parents talk about, something that, overall, doesn't "affect" them. Oh, they weren't cruel or blase, but they just don't get it. Just like those of us who weren't alive when JFK was shot or when Armstrong walked on the moon--- I know these are important and have a huge impact on the world but it doesn't imprint on me like it did my dad, who was alive for both.

I feel like I should say something but I can't seem to put into words all the thoughts I have surrounding this particular anniversary...

Monday, September 10, 2012

Last June, Photographer gave me three bags of clothes and none of them fit. I tried everything on and kept clothes that I liked that I hoped would someday fit.

Then one morning last week, I was running around getting ready for work and was late AND because I was a bum who didn't get her laundry finished, I was trying to find a shirt to go with pants. I had put on about 4 different ones and didn't like any of them.

I saw a blue shirt that would match nicely on the top of the pile of stuff that didn't fit. I grabbed it and thought if it fit a tiny bit better than it did a few months ago, I could layer a sweater over it and survive the day.

A few months ago, it pulled really tightly through the bust and the arms were so snug it made my arm fat bulge, and it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tight through the hips. When I put it on a few days ago, it fit perfectly. It hung nicely, not snug, no pulling. Just perfectly!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

I came home from hanging with with Photographer, late in the evening last Wednesday. It had rained. I was talking on the phone and I just sat down on the swing in the yard and gabbed. It had rained, as I said, and the grass was still damp and cool brushing against my legs as I sat swinging on the swing.

When I got off the phone I walked in the house.

And you know that moment when you're used to having wet legs and then dry air hits the wet and it feels all wrong and itchy? I reached to scratch my leg and right there, on my bare skin, on my shin, was a SLUG!! As in a snail with no shell sort of slug.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

I shrieked and jumped around and flung it to the ground and practically hyperventilated. I squashed it with my shoe, on the sidewalk, and just felt all heebee-jeebee about it.

I went into the house, went into the bathroom, and flipped on the light and I saw ANOTHER one on my leg, which I grabbed off with a tissue and then flushed. My heartbeat was about out of my chest and I just felt really ick-o.

And I thought I was going to lose it when I found a third one on my foot. I got it off and then jumped around like an idiot. It was gross and creepy and yucky and it was nasty. I was flinging my body around and just was a mess about it. I had to go upstairs, take off all my clothes and check in the mirror to see if there were more.

I think my heart is finally beating normally right now. Maybe.

And that's why I haven't been able to blog. I was traumatized by a slug family.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear new owners of my formerly favorite locally owned pizza place who needs to learn about customer service:

Since you opened your pizzeria- Sally Sicklemeyer's- in my town, I've been a dedicated customer. For the first few months you opened I was there weekly, if not more. My sis-in-law and I loved to bring her babies there, and your former lunch buffet was, by far, the best in town in taste, quality, quantity, and cost. Your food was to die for and your hired help was always great and friendly.

Now you suck.

And you are the new owners so none of this is directed to the people who owned you before because you started sucking when you took over.

One thing I loved was your $4.99 buffet which I was told is now gone. Fine.

You raised you pizza prices. Your food is good but not that good.

But my biggest complaint is a combination of your now crappy customer service and your now new crappier delivery policy.

Here's a little story for you: I work at Alcatraz which is 6 miles out of the city limits. We order from you all the time- well, from your previous owners. We were outside of the regular delivery sphere but because the previous owners were supporters of Alcatraz, they decided to allow their drivers to deliver to us. We house around 110 kids in 10 dorms. We also house about 89 staff and their families in various homes and apartments on our campus. We also have on call staff 27/7 so at any given time we have around 200 people on campus. Staff can, and does, order pizza for our kids. Now I'm sure you know how many pizzas it takes to fee 2 adults and 14 boys between ages 14-17. A LOT, which was around $100, give or take. My point is that while the previous owners allowed delivery outside of the usual delivery area, it was PROFITABLE for the company AND the drivers.

Remember the above.

Imagine my surprise when I called to order for a few of us and the following happened:1. I was told by a snotty woman- Alecia- that they "no longer delivered to Alcatraz". I said okay and then she put me on hold and came back on to tell me, in her still snotty way, that the new manager said they could deliver this one last time but for a $3 fee. I said okay and ordered our food.

2. I told her I had a coupon for a free order of bread sticks and she put me on hold and came back and said, snottily, that the new managers would go ahead and "honor" the coupon, for now.

3. when I was done with the order she told me I had to get more food because it didn't total $25. I said I didn't know it had to; she said that was the only way they would deliver "that far" and that I better be "ready for lots of new changes coming from the new manager." She also said that the drivers hated to come there. I then raised my voice and told her she was crazy because people who live and work here understand and appreciate the company being willing to accommodate us, and we tip well. I told her I work as the receptionist and money is usually left with me and it's rare that a tip is LESS than $5. I told her to ask the drivers.

She finally gave me a total and then said it would be 80-90 minutes until it would be there, and hung up on me.

I fumed, discussed this situation with my colleagues and we called to cancel our order. And then ordered from the only other locally owned pizza joint- Godmothers- and they said after what happened and to thank us for our business, they would glad breach their delivery area from now on, and bring us food.

I will never be eating at Sally's again. I understand if you no long want to deliver here but the rude and snotty attitude from Alecia was inexcusable, especially her hanging up on me. It was unnecessary to keep changing the order rules: coupon, delivery fee, minimum order. As the new manager, you need to be ready for a change from me: I won't be there any more and I will tell everyone I know about this and maybe your business won't be there anymore either. And remember, I can tell all 200 people who live in work at Alcatraz what happened with a click of one email button. And they'll tell people and so on...

And I will make sure every single person knows that Godmother's saved the day.

I'm not impressed with you, the new owners of Sally. And that's too bad because not only have you lost my dedication, you have lost my business.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

1. TheSam and I went out for dinner a few weeks ago. We were eating local, so not a chain place. It's a cool brewhouse with a HUGE food menu as well as brews. The manager was doing a walk around and checking on tables. We had great food and great service. The manager was just chatting, what were doing the rest of the evening, did we like the city, had we eaten there before, just general chatting. We talked about all the great eateries and how often we went out for food, that we were "new foodies" but we loved his place and would be back. He wanted to know if we were ordering dessert and we said no and we talked about how they are famous (and they are, locally) for their peanutbutter pie. We talked about how good it sounds and all of a sudden, he just offers us a free piece to share. Seriously. He leaves and comes back 5 minutes later with a "piece" of pie- a slice that was probably a quarter of the whole pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TheSam and I shared it and it was the best peanut butter pie I've ever had in my entire life. And it was free, just because. I thought that was the coolest thing ever! And so nice. We thanked the guy profusely. How generous!

2. About two weeks ago TheSam and I were eating out- again- this time at a BBQ place. This is a chain place- there are 22 joints. These are are here in the Midwest and I could drive to all of them, if I wanted, all about a 2 hour radius from here. Not entirely local but started out small and local and at least stayed centralized. We go here at least one time a month and we love it. We see some of the same people each time we go so we're becoming "regulars."

We talked to the manager, when he stopped at our table, again having had great food and service, and was just doing the chatting thing. He asked if we were going to have fresh peach cobbler and I said no because I was on a diet and we all laughed. TheSam said he wasn't on a diet but he wasn't because he was full and we all laughed. About 5 minutes later the manager comes back and hands TheSam a go sack with a piece of still warm cobbler in it (with homemade whipped cream, on the side). He said it was on the house and for later and he winked at me and said if I decided to cheat on my diet, I should make him share. They had some guy bonding moment and left. That was so nice, again we were so surprised and pleased, and thankful. And impressed.3. A couple nights ago TheSam and I popped into McAlister's Deli for a cookie and iced tea. We sat in a booth just chilling out. We knew they closed in about 20 minutes and there were still other customers so we sat. The manager stopped at the table to see if we wanted tea refills and we said sure. I told him I had unsweetened tea since I was sweet enough and we all laughed. He brought our cups back- full_ and then returned about 2 minutes later with a GALLON of the unsweetened tea for ME!!!! Just for no reason. He said he was closing soon and would toss it, they had just made is not even an hour ago so it was fresh. I thanked him so much and again, just overwhelmed with these kindnesses. And guess what? Not 3 minutes later he comes back with another gallon of sweet tea for TheSam since "he needed sweetening up" and we laughed. Yes, he gave us not one but 2 gallons of free tea!!!!! Isn't that amazing? And awesome? And kind!?!

I like it when something good happens out of the blue. It's so rare these days, but so appreciated!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Since I'm on a writing about jobs kick, I thought I would let everyone know that Mac has a job and he loves it. He's working for a national pizza chain as a delivery driver and a cook. He's getting about 35-38 hours a week. He usually works around 4 or 5pm and works until closing, which is about midnight-1am, depending on the day of the week. (these hours still allow him to party like a rock star with his friends, all night long, and then he can sleep it off during the day. or I assume he does this because he rarely ever comes home at night after work unless it's just to change out of his uniform.)

He borrowed a car from XRay Girl and he's paying insurance on it as well as gas. I don't know what he'll do about buying one but that's his issue, not mine. He gets tips to put gas in the car every night and also gets a pay check every 2 weeks. With his first check he paid me money he owed me, and what he owed Daddy-O, so that was a good thing.

One perk he gets is a free meal every shift me works, which is good because that's one less time he's eating (and making a mess) at home. He also gets 50% off if he goes there to eat when he's not working.

He's been working there for 4 weeks right now. That's a positive thing. He's gone almost all the time which is also good- for him and for me (and my dad).

He has a loooooooooooooooong list of everything he wants to buy and he's talking about getting an apartment with a buddy or two, which would also be good- maybe also add to the "teach him responsibility" thing.

He's sitting out this semester of college to work, and with the hours he's working, he could take a second job if he wanted- he said he's "thinking" about it.

There's the possibility he can work into cooking all the time and won't have to drive, putting the wear and tear on the car, which would be good, and he seems to hope this happens.

Spillin' my secrets

You never know what you might get with me. I could be curled up in Starbucks and sipping my latte while tapping away on my laptop. I could be wearing fine shoes, ready for a night on the town. I could be riding a horse across the country side. Or snuggled in bed, with a good book.
I laugh to loudly and I cry to easily. I can be serious or silly, or a tad over dramatic. Maybe I feel like being the center of attention or it could be my day to blend quietly into the crowd. I'm sassy, sexy, silly, feisty, and fun. No matter what- it's all me. Take me or leave me... Stick around- you might like what you see.
"Shoes/ Purses" is where I post daily so if you want to know the "real" me, that's the place to go.

Giles: the BEST retired greyhound dog ever!___________ My Man Graveyard:I'll just call all the mend from my past... Sam. Since they're all my past... who really cares about names? Once in awhile I'll probably need to speak ill of those lost loves and burned out flames, so do we need a dance card to keep those guys I don't love any more straight? Nope, so just call them all Sam! ______________ Civilization:my home townNorthern Civilization: a larger metro area north of my hometown (I lived here too, for about 4 years...) The Capital: metro city where I now live, as of 2/2014Wild West: section of the USA where I used to liveOccupation: Currently: administrative assistant to the CEO of a computer company.Formerly a high school and college teacher; a library aide at a reform school for kids ages 12-19,a weekend receptionist, a substitute teacher, an ice cream scooper, a telemarketer, a grant writer, a social workerPlaces I hang out: library, Starbucks, movie theaters, book stores, antique stores, vintage clothing shoppes, Daddy-O's house, museumsAlcatraz: the co-ed reform school where I taught summer school & was a library aide Past honorable mentions (or, "Who the heck are these people?"):Trooper, AmericanInIrelandSam, AlaskaSam, & ITSam: former BFs; XRayGirl: a girlfriend I don't see much anymore