(((ananke))) What a time for the therapist to bail! I don't think we ever really get over the really tramatic things that happen in our lives...we just learn to live in spite of them. Since Mr. Pixie and I got married, I have honestly been thinking more about what happened. It feels weird to be thinking about my former husband and former marriage...but I guess it is better than repressing it.

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~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~

My therapist is leaving - the funding (already stretched) is ending this month.

Did i mention I'm getting married? In five days? And that I finally told Nova who raped me? i finally told a friend as well. Now I just need to tell mum what happened and I can make even more decisions.

I think that is what gets to me - no matter how far i go, the journey will never end. It scares me to think I'll be old and crotchety and still dealing with this.

erinjane, some people will never understand unless it happens to them. i have come to accept that my healing is cyclical, and even though i feel healed from IT, IT will inevitably rear it's ugly head and I will have to comfort that wounded part of myself, calm her down, let her know that she is safe, and what happened was FUCKED, but it's over, and yes, it's ok to move on, when I am ready to do that.

erinjane - good for you for going to therapy. One of the things I realized when I first went through training to work in rape crisis I realized that all I ever really wanted to talk about was rape and I never was able to. Now it's my 40-hours a week. In some ways it's fantastic, although it can be a little draining.

maddy - that sucks! I am glad that you were able to stop and respect where you were.

I was talking to my best friend last night and telling her that I'll be going through counselling and she said to me, "Do you still feel like you're dealing with that?"

I was really shocked, because I would never assume that something like this would be easy to get over even before it happened to me. I don't think she meant it rudely or presumptiously but it just reminds me of why I can't talk to my friends about it, because they will never understand.

I went to a counsellor to deal with some issues i'm going through having to do with my alcoholic SIL, and my dying grandma, and my rape which occured almost 3 years ago. It was just a drop-in place but it felt really good to get some stuff off my chest and I ended up crying a bit and realized how much of a hard time I have crying in front of people even though I know it's a safe place.

We discussed that my issues of stress and such is probably connected to the assault and that I should get some one on one counselling so I'm going through a Sexual Assault Crisis Program and I feel really good about it.

well crap. all of a sudden last night i'm having sex with my boyfriend and i just keep seeing my damn abusers face! usually when i see it i can just firmly push it out or whatever, but it just kept coming back and eventually i felt awful and had tostop. i just hate it. ya know, i'm doingso muchbetter and everything, but then he can just ruin my night, yet again.

Wow..time is flying. I can hardly belive we have almost been married a month! Anyway, we just got back from our honeymoon Sunday night. I was away from minipixie for 10 days. Last night as I was putting her to bed she told me she was afraid that I had gone away forever like her Mimi who died last October! Talk about breaking your heart! I don't know how her daddy can go off time after time and not realize the impact it has on her. This is the first time that I have taken a vacation since I had her other than a few short 2-3 day business trips. But I am amazed that she was finally able to verbalize the fear instead of acting out! It will definitely give me something to discuss with her therapist tonight. And that is another piece of good news! I wasn't able to pay last time because we were so strapped for cash between the weding and the honeymoon. They left a message on my phone while I was gone that we had been given a grant and that there won't be anymore costs!

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~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~