tℓl∂dyne exploration

Sunday, 4 October 2015

As he’s been leader for five days now, the press are calming down a bit. By tomorrow headlines will only say things like, “Cor-Bin Laden will force pets to be Muslim”, followed by an interview with 89-year-old Vera, who says: “It’s not fair because my hamster’s scared of burqas. That’s the last time I’ll vote Labour.”

The Telegraph will be even more measured, reporting: “Corbyn plans to introduce women-only gravity. Men will be left to float through space, making it harder to arrive on time for work, costing Britain £40bn.”

This could go alongside the genuine report in The Times on Monday, that Jeremy Corbyn’s neighbours “often see him riding a Chairman Mao-style bicycle”.

Then Panorama will reveal Corbyn appeared at a conference with Satan, who he described as an “old pal”; the evidence is a dream their informant had after falling asleep in a cowshed after drinking a bottle and a half of Sambuca.

He’ll introduce a similar system, so instead of weapons, our soldiers will march to the front line of a battle, and call out to the enemy: “Alan from Doncaster has asked what are you going to do about all the fires in the city you’ve just demolished.” Then in 50 years’ time, when there’s a memorial for all our troops that are captured, he won’t even sing at it.

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Above: The only thing more irritating than a puny human girl with a ponytail is THREE puny human girls with ponytailsLike so many offensive horse sims, Horse Stars unabashedly targets the all-mighty human girl gamer demographic, riding on the hopes that their pathetic fantasies of owning their own pony IRL will convince them to pony up for the chance to own a virtual equine.

When I first heard of Horse Stars, I thought that the games industry had finally seen fit to produce a title I could wholeheartedly endorse with all four of my hooves. I thought that for once, I could play a game about horses where the horse truly was the ‘star’ – and not a simple object straddled by some puny human girl living beyond her means through another god damn pet simulator.

It makes my incredibly muscular haunches weary as I imagine how truly awesome a real all-horse MMO might’ve been. Imagine a MMORPG where horses aren’t mere mounts, a game where I could form parties with my fellow equestrians, clearing dungeons for rare drops and better gear. And don’t even get me started on the end-game. Picturing myself trampling a raid boss with my superior DPS makes me want to cry, because I now know that a title like that would be too awesome for a non-horse game development studio to comprehend.Above: Where' the hardcore horse-centric combat? Where's the loot? Where are the quests? Horse Stars is nothing but another horse grooming sim disguised as a game actual horses might be interested in

Of course, I would never cry. Not really. That’s something that always has – and always will be – best left to planet Earth’s weakest inhabitants of all: the human gamer. Consider this games journalist officially disappointed with what might have been the best thing to happen to the hardcore horse community since Bethesda released the equine armor pack as DLC for Oblivion.