(Closed) Need your advice about whether to continue relationship

I’ve been lurking on these boards for a few months, mostly the “waiting” board, but haven’t posted until now. I’ve been having some problems in my relationship with my boyfriend lately and think this is a good place to get good unbiased advice from lots of other women who value the same things like marriage etc…. so here goes

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, I am 22 and he is 26. I moved in with him when we were together for about 10 months, just recently. I was never a fan of the idea of living together before marriage, but decided to go for it because when I brought up my concerns, he told me that he wanted the same things as me… that living together is something he wanted to lead to marriage. I brought up a timeline, and he agreed that we would not live together for more than 2 years without taking the next step. I thought this was a very reasonable timeline because by the time we live together 2 years, we will be together for almost 3. So I moved in…. and things were good. However about a month after I moved in, he started acting a little weird/distant/almost depressed. I knew something was up… he didn’t text me as much throughout the day, wasn’t very “touchy”, snapped at little things, stopped having sex for about a week… when that happened, I asked him what was up. He said he was in a “funk” and din’t know why. I asked him if it was me and he said he didn’t know but would think about it. A couple days later he told me he knew what it was- it was indeed me and it was because we had been bickering too much. This took me for a bit of a shock because I really hadn’t realized we bickered at all. I felt like he was pulling that excuse out of nowhere. He couldn’t even give me an example of what we bicker about. I asked him if he wanted to break up because it seemed he was looking for an excuse. He said no. We agreed to work on the bickering even though I didn’t know what exactly I should be working on not bickering about…

A few days later, since I was feeling confused and anxious about his feelings, I decided to bring up what we talked about before I moved in. I asked if he still felt the same way about us living together leading to marriage, etc. He told me that he wasn’t sure anymore. He said that he loved me but for some reason didn’t see me the same way as before. He said that before he saw me as his future wife, and now he didn’t know. I asked him what that meant, if he wanted to break up… He said maybe we should, because I deserve someone who will see me in that way. I did something that may have been stupid then…. I told him that I didn’t want to break up and wanted to work on the issues that made him feel that way. It took him like 15 minutes of thinking about it and then he agreed that yes we should try to work on it. So when I asked him what all needs to be worked on, he just thew out every little thing at me. They were all small issues, definitely not things that should ever make you question if you want a future with a person you care about. They included things like me putting heavy things in the trashcan instead of putting them in the big trashcan outside, me having bad posture which signals low confidence, me taking too long to get ready in the mornings when I drive him to work (even though I drive him to work when he could just take the bus because he has no car. I don’t have work/class until evenings so I could sleep in but choose to get up at 6:30 am to drive him!), me not initiating sex and always waiting for him to initiate, bickering with him about buying healthier options when we are in the grocery store together, nagging him about what he can do like when I told him it was bad for him to get caffeine pills, etc…. just little stuff like that. Anyway we decided to work on it, and have been for about a month now. We have a good relationship I think…. we don’t fight, we do things together….throughout this month though, I’ve asked him how it’s going. He said he loves how things are going and they are much better. I asked him if his view of me and the future changed… and he said that he sees more of that future with me again, but still not fully. He said there’s still a “fog” and he can’t fully see that future with me because he’s sacred the relationship will go back to how it was. About a week ago I told him it’s been long enough and he should figure out if he wants a future, marriage, an family with me or not. I told him I would move out if he hadn’t figure it out yet by this last Sunday. On Sunday he told me that yes, he does see me in that light again and sees a future with me because he has no reason to be scared because I’ve made changes and want to make things good.

I thought him saying that would make me feel better but it hasn’t. He told me he wanted a future with me right before I moved in, but a month later he changed his mind and said that when he wanted a future with me, his vision was skewed! Insignificant issues made him no longer see me as the person he wants a future with. It makes me think the same thing will happen again at any time, and it makes me feel really insecure. I am scared to waste more time with him, only to have him decide he doesn’t want that with me again. Our lease is up in August. based on everything I’ve said here, do you think I should move again with him or find my own place in August? And if I do move to my own place, should I stay with him in the relationship or not?

Thank you so much for reading that and for any advice. It felt really good to write that out!

Personally, I would not want to live my life on eggshells for a man who is in a “fog.” If he had rational arguments on why he wouldn’t want to marry you, then that would be something to work on, but if it’s these little things like your posture or you wanting to eat healthy… that’s nothing.

I’d cut him. There are so many guys out there who will love that you take your time to get ready in the morning, want to live a healthy life, and WANT to get married to you. 10 months is pretty early in a relationship (at least for me), but it’s also early enough to know that if these things are bugging him so much that he doesn’t see a long term, it’s time to go.

I think by talking about things and being open with each other you guys are taking all the right steps. And it’s a great sign that he sees you in his future again. I’m sure different people will have different takes on this based on their experiences, but I think you should stick it out. Moving in with someone is a huge step and often brings up uncomfortable conversations and scenarios. All of a sudden you have to deal with the not-so-fun parts of life (ie. taking out the trash, cooking dinner, paying bills). It will take time to get used to what you each expect of living with someone but that will make your relationship stronger. Just keep being open with each other!

relationships are so hard and what we learn over time is that we have to overlook the little things (putting heavy things in the trash) and see if we’re on board for the big things.

that said, i would have a hard time being in your position. it seems like you would be have a hard time really being yourself because you have to be careful not to break any of his rules. also, he seems to be very focused on his needs and happiness and you are going along with it.

are you happy? is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? instead of concerning yourself so much with how he’s feeling, take your temperature and really look inside at how you’re feeling.

you are still very young- there is no need to rush things along. my vote is to move out and meet someone who is a little more emotionally mature and realizes that things can’t always be his way. and just have FUN. there’s no need to be so serious at 22!!!

Uhhhh I don’t even know what that means.. I have poor posture (and my dad’s a chiropractor, oops) but I don’t have low confidence, its just a bad habit..

Its very strange that he would change So much after just a month of moving intogether, but geez that’s prob a good idea you did try, and found that it might not work (as oppose to everything seeming ‘perfect’ and waiting till marriage to live together and have him change his mind..).

I really am sorry to even suggest this, but do you think there is a chance he could be cheating on you, or maybe someone has peaked his interest pretty strongly and you don’t know about it? I would hope not, but that is pretty common behavior for a man who has found himself in that type of situation.

I can say that you should be strong. You should not sell yourself short. I would be very worried about how he is waffling back and forth, but then again relationships are sometimes very difficult. You should follow your gut and do what you think is best. Give it a little time, and let him know that he needs to be reaching out to you. You cannot hold your relationship together on your own. It takes both. If your heart is telling you that his may not be completely committed, then do what is best for you. It’s your life and you don’t want anyone to mess with that! I wish you the best of luck.

No matter how much time you spent together before, living together can be a big shock and it takes some time to adjust.

Darling Husband and I had lots of stupid fights and got annoyed at each other for silly little things in the first 6 months – 1 year of living together.

Going from dating to living together is a big step and it can be a bit of a reality check for both parties. It’s not uncommon to start living with someone, see all the little things they do differently from you and think, can I deal with all these differences for the rest of my life??

I would say continue talking about what bothers you both, maybe leave marriage out of the discussion for right now so he isn’t feeling pressured to make too many steps at once.

If things don’t improve over the next 6 months or so, then it may be time to re-evaluate.

But I think getting a little shocked at what the reality of moving together actually is vs what you think it is going to be, is completely normal.

Wow, a wife would never put heavy things in the inside garbage. oh my! ::clutches pearls::

/sarcasm

I am not trying to make light of your situation, but the things he mentioned are not things that you need to “work on.” It is perfectly ok to want to buy healthy food at the grocery store, and to discourage your partner from taking unhealthy caffeine pills. You should not have to change for a man to love you. To me, this guy is nitpicking every little thing because he has some kind of fantasy, idealistic vision of what a marriage is supposed to be. Has he been in a long term relationship before?

My advice would be to plan on moving out in August, unless his attitude changes drastically.

You’re both young, and 1 year isn’t THAT long of a time to be together, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag that your boyfriend isn’t 100% certain about marriage at this point.

That said, his list of things that bother him is incredibly trivial and it sounds like he might not be ready for the idea of a committed relationship in general. It sounds like you’re hitting the “end of the honeymoon” stage of a relationship and he’s freaking out and having doubts. It’s understandable, but at the same time you have to focus on the good and realize the honeymoon period always ends but it can be replaced by something more valuable.

So I would be a little concerned about that and I would also want reassurance about how he felt about the relationship. But on the other hand I think it might be helpful to not think much about the future, and focus on the present. Are you happy? Does he treat you well? Are you still laughing, talking, doing things together? Are you growing closer and developing a deeper love for one another? If yes, then I would stay. If things continue to go well, your relationship will probably progress. If you’re not happy on a day-to-day level, though, I would maybe give it a little time to see if things can get back on track but then if not, think about moving on.

What? Okay I’m just saying but Fiance does some little things that really piss me off sometimes. He is indecisive, messy, not goal orientated like me, and sometimes (bless him) he is just lazy. The thing about that is that when he does these things I can really nag him, like bad nagging. I am a HUGE nagger, and because we love each other we find a balance. He takes the nagging and complaining, I take the aggravation and messiness, and the crazy thing is that I love it that way. Without that balance we would drive each other nuts, and no way could I ever live with him. I am just the way I am, and I know how hard it would be for me to change, so I can’t expect him to.

This scenario you just creted seems very unbalanced. “I’m the one that is the good one in the relationship, you are the one who does things wrong.” <— that is not balanced. Knowing me and my smart mouth I would have starting making a list of things wrong with him as soon as he told me that, and number one would have been ‘you are a nit-picker.’

But you are taking healthy steps in the relationship by talking things through so openly, however the mindset behind the situation is what would worry me.

I can relate to your post, in some ways. My current SO – earlier in our relationship – kinda did the same thing, except he completely ended the relationship. His reasons, all ‘stupid’ things. Little things like I drink too much water. Although it was infuriating and hurtful, in a few months he was begging for another chance. Of course, being ‘scared’ of this happening again, I asked really difficult questions. We went to counseling, etc. Pretty much, the long and short of it is that he was scared. He was scared of commitment, of feeling too much, etc. So, he nit picked. He found teeny tiny ‘flaws’ in me bc he could find a substantial problem in our relationship. He thought it would be easier to walk away, then be honest of his fears.

It took him and I being apart, broken up (I think) to make him realize just how much I mean to him. It took a lot of hard conversations, alone, and with a Therapist that got us to where we are today. Today, I have zero concerns that this will happen again. Today, we are better than ever.

Now, this is not to say that I want a break up for you, etc. I hope it highlights that it happens – in my opinion, and although he may THINK his problems are you putting too heavy of garbage in the wrong can, there is probably more issues there. And until he/you both figure them out, then I fear this will happen again. My recommendation would be, then, counseling/communication.

Please, whatever you do, do not change who you are. Do not alter your behaviors bc he seemingly has a problem with them. It is not fair for you to change to make him happy. Chances are there is more going on in his head, and this was the ‘easy way’ to make things ‘better’.

As someone just a few years older than you, I think you moved (and moved in) too quickly. I think that until you’ve reached a certain age and a certain emotional maturity, it’s not a good idea to move in together or decide you’re moving toward marriage too quickly. You have your whole life ahead of you, and this is probably the most significant decision you will ever make. Really take time to evaluate your SO, your relationship, and your compatibility. In my own case I knew quite early on in our relationship that I wanted to marry my Darling Husband, but it was years before I was fully confident that we were both sufficiently mature to make such an important decision. I can’t tell whether the issues you’ve been having are the beginning of the end or just some bumpiness that most relationships go through from time to time. I think that often for people in their 20’s it’s only in the second year of the relationship that you truly come to know each other–the first year it’s all butterflies and excitement and you aren’t seeing clearly.

My advice at this stage would be to tell your SO that you think you moved too fast but want to continue seeing him and figuring out if you’re ultimately compatible or not. Move out, make sure you’re spending plenty of time with your friends and pursuing your own interests, and see where things go. My guess is that within a year you’ll know if he’s the one for you or if you’d ultimately be better off with someone else.

I think he wants to keep himself open to other women, should someone come along. It sounds like he had met someone and that maybe it didn’t pan out, so he decided to keep working on things. By not fully committing he is giving himself an out when and should he decide to leave. You need to stop asking him about marraiage. #1 you are really young…you should wait. #2 A man always knows when he wants to marry a woman. You can’t give him ultimatums or force him to propose. You just have to be yourself. My fiance and I argued a lot off and on througout the course of our relationship, but he admitted to me that he never once REALLY considered leaving. I think part of not wanting to commit is his age. Comments about your posture and your self-confidence, nitpicking you, is emotinally unhealthy. It’s natural for little things to aggravate you when you move in with someone, but you don’t put the other person in an insecure position because of it.

I’m 31 and getting married for the first time in July. You should wait for someone that will do whatever he can to make you feel secure and happy. When a man doesn’t go out of his way to make sure the woman he loves is content…there are problems. Trust me, I have tried to make past relatoinships work…you can’t force someone to want to do those things.