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The story of Hanukkah as told by Donald J. Trump

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Aaron Scheer
Aaron is the Editor in Chief of the elite team of citizen journalists at The Daily Freier, providing fact-based news
… [More]to Tel Aviv and beyond since 2014. This is like satire and stuff. [Less]

Long time ago. Talking a real long time ago. In the Land of Israel. Boy wouldn’t it be great to buy into the real estate market back then? Wait a sec….so my son-in-law is telling me it was 2200 years ago. Jared Kushner. Smart guy. Very smart guy. I mean he married my daughter, am I right? So he’s telling me that Alexander the Great led a Greek army that came in, and everything was great for a while until it wasn’t. Sounds like Astoria in Queens, right? I’m kidding people. Greeks are great people. Great, great people. Anyway, the next king? Not so good. Antiochus. Bad hombre. Bad bad hombre. Starts telling the Jews what to do. How do you think that’s going to work out? My daughter Ivanka’s a Jew now and I can’t tell her anything! Again, kidding, people. I’ve got the best Jewish grandchildren.

So, Antiochus starts doing some strange stuff. Just real sick stuff. Like telling the Jews to go to the gymnasium and compete in sports totally naked. Just some real pervy Anthony Weiner-style stuff. You know that I had that guy figured out from the beginning? Let me tell you, Huma made the right choice. She can do much better. Much much better. Smart girl. And pretty. Long black hair. Tan. Terrific body. I mean you can tell she goes to the gym, not like some of the other fatties in the Democr…. Wait, I need to cool it a bit. Got me thinking about tic-tacs.

So Antiochus? Bad hombre. And sick. Just really sick. Tried to desecrate the Temple in Jerusalem. With pigs’ blood I hear. Just some real Podesta stuff. So how much is the Temple going for these days? Is it condo? Are there a lot of covenants written into the lease? Is it rent controlled? I gotta tell ya, Netanyahu? Super guy. Great guy. The best. But his economy? Let me ask you, how do you [CENSORED] up an economy in a country full of Jews? Am I right?

Back to the narrative. I tell the best historical narratives. Just the best. So there is this guy named Mattathias, and his sons were a bunch of tough guys. Called themselves the Maccabees. And they don’t like what Antiochus is doing. Real tough guys, these sons. I mean we’re talking Staten Island here. So they start fighting the Greeks. Wait, now my people are saying they’re Syrians. Guys, if you want me to go to my Intel briefs, can we at least get our stories straight?

So Mattathias’ top son. Judah Maccabee. Great general. Superb general. Just a fighter. He attacks the Greek Syrian elephants. Can I ask you something? What kind of an idiot puts elephants in the army? Not while I’m president, I assure you. So the Jews win. So much winning. After a while the Jews said to the Maccabees: “Guys! Enough winning! We’re tired of winning!”

And then they come back to the Temple, and the place is just a mess. A disaster. Sad. Just really sad. But you know what? They fix it up. And now they need to light that big candelabra thing. But get this: They only have enough oil for one day. You know what I say? Drill. Build a pipeline. Don’t listen to those environmental crazies. What the hell do they know? But anyway, the oil lasts a long time. Like eight days. Amazing oil. Just amazing. Terrific oil. The oil they had? The best. Just the best. Can we call it a miracle? I don’t know. I don’t make those rules. Pass me one of those delicious latke things.

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