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Dear Romance Hero: Spurt Advice

I need some advice, but am not sure where to turn. After all, I am an uber-manly, alpha dude who hates to show any weakness, especially in front of the fairer sex. I’ve noticed an increase in the spurt count of romance heroes. How do I know what the appropriate amount of spurtage is once I’ve met my one true love?

Sincerely,

-Concerned Alpha Dude

Dear Concerned Alpha Dude:

What a wonderful question. You are fortunate that I consider myself an expert in the study of spurts in romance novels. Unfortunately, I’m afraid I don’t have an easy answer, as appropriate spurtage is not a one size fits all type of measurement.

Take the hero Stygian from Lora Leigh’s “Stygian’s Honor.” Stygian is a mighty spurter, possibly the spurtiest hero in all of literature. He spurts thirty times in his story, including ten times in one intimate encounter with his lady love and mate. Keep in mind that Stygian is a paranormal hero, a genetically altered, human/animal hybrid hero whose male appendage releases copious amounts of aphrodisiac and lubricating fluid pre orgasm. This is all to ease the way for his magical barbed penile extension (which only emerges with his mate).

While Stygian’s enhanced genetics probably help him handle his festival of spurts, I can’t help but think that ten spurts in one lovemaking session is way too much. Think both of the potential mess and of the possibility of serious dehydration. I don’t recommend emulating Stygian, especially if you are a human hero. If you do spurt this much, I recommend an emergency visit to your doctor.

Then there is hero from Sylvia Day’s “Bared to You” and “Reflected in You,” Gideon Cross. While Gideon is human, he is the hero on an erotic romance series – so spurting is probably expected. He manages seven spurts in his first story and five in his second. To be honest, this still seems a bit excessive compared to most romance heroes.

If you are a human, non-erotic romance hero, don’t force the spurts – okay really no one should force the spurts (I bet that could cause serious injury and who would want to explain that one to the ER staff?). Spurting should come naturally. However, if you do get up to five or so, please rehydrate appropriately. Your heroine will probably be in need of your services shortly, and you wouldn't want to disappoint.

Sincerely,

-Jennifer, spurt expert

Note: This inaugural Dear Romance Hero post is dedicated to Brie C (@racblog on twitter) from Romance Around the Corner as her tweet inspired this one.