Scientists say that all dogs evolved, ultimately, from wolves. They
evolved along with us, and as we made our journey from Neanderthal and
Cro Magnon, the wolves produced the Cocker Spaniels, Poodles, and
pooches of today. The difference, of course, is that wolves are still
around while cavemen are found only in peat bogs.

The argument about the superiority of dogs vs. wolves goes back to prehistoric
times, when the first dogs were hired by early farmers to keep the rabbits
out of the corn and the wolves away from the sheep. The argument has never
been settled, and today, a growing number of people have decided that running
or dancing with wolves is more New Age and Politically Correct than wallowing
with fat dogs.

I'm not anti-wolf. I like many things about them. They're beautiful,
with their lovely bushy tails and engaging smiles. They howl nicely.
Sometimes, after a full moon, they turn into interesting people, like Jack
Nicholson. They run off Bambi and Thumper and the other predators
who want my garden.

Dogs, however, are even more multitalented. For instance, my dogs
are specially bred to lie on my feet and keep them warm on cold nights
when I'm watching t.v. Can a wolf do this? No. A wolf would fidget,
distracting me from my show. He would jump up every few minutes to
chase the mice that like to explore the kitchen in the evening. He
would polish off all my cheese and crackers.

A wolf is unlikely to take food from your hands without biting off a couple
of fingers, having great difficulty with this area of specialization.
Statistics show that the average wolf owner has only 3.2 fingers, while
dog owners have 7.8.

A wolf is no good at taking a walk. He'll either eat the leash and
run away, or he'll insist you run with him. My dogs know how to waddle.
Although it takes a backhoe to get them off the couch and out the door,
we can have a pleasant mosey around the block together, stopping frequently
to admire various trees, fence posts, fire hydrants, and other people's
tires.

The tendency of wolves to prefer running to walking is one reason some
people feel they're superior. Running, after all, requires the purchase
of expensive running shoes, running outfits, walkmans, and knee and varicose
vein surgery. The major corporations and the American Medical Association
have been trying to brainwash us into running more, and many people have
fallen for it. Wolves are largely unemployable, apart from the occasional
commercial for running shoes or movie role. Dogs find employment
everywhere. In France, restaurants hire dogs to lie around on the
floor. Nearly every good French restaurant has a dog, which patrons
have to leap over on their way to the table. Leaping over dogs keeps
the French physically fit. In addition, people who don't want all
their food can quietly slip it to the dog, thereby not offending the chef
or the person who paid for the meal. This also cuts down on the landfill
problem.

Although Americans are not sensible enough to employ dogs in restaurants,
my dogs are expert busboys and dishwashers, happily spending hours, for
free, on those tough turkey pans.

Why, you ask with astonishment, would anybody prefer running with a wolf
to moseying with a mutt, and why is this feeling considered politically
correct? The answer is complicated and ironic. Logically, if
you grant that wolves are superior to dogs, then cave men must be superior
to us. Wolves and cave men were both wild and free, a condition we modern
humans and dogs have lost. Look at what the cave people got to do:
They got to eat endangered species, i.e. dinosaurs, probably causing their
extinction. They got to wear fur. They got to chop down trees with complete
disregard for the owls. They got to smoke. They got to fight their battles
with big clubs instead of lawyers, which worked better.

What wolf worship is really about is, we secretly want to be Neanderthals
again. We want to return to the freedom we had before political correctness
and billions of laws limited our actions and our speech, and even our very
thoughts. If we would just be honest with ourselves, get rid of most
of the laws and political correctness, and quit blaming the dogs for our
current stagnation, dogs could return to their rightful spot as Top Canine
and we could quit pretending that it's fun to run.