Finances, funerals can spark family fights

RON TRUSLER

Central Plains Center CEO

Published 6:00 pm, Monday, January 5, 2009

Families have more of a tendency to "fight" at certain points in life. Most common times are:

1. Discipline of children - Do you spank or give them a good scolding and guilt trip? Do you spank the hardheaded kid and only talk to the sensitive one? What type of misbehavior gets what type of punishment? How do you handle it when you think the other parent is too harsh or too lenient? If this area is not settled, the children will use it to their advantage to manipulate parents. It is a divided house in authority and power.

2. Finances - Deciding who will manage the checkbook can be a real tough issue. When one partner is frugal and the other is slaphappy crazy - buying things like the money is going to always be there - the tension and distrust in the marriage escalates.

3. Weddings - At a time of excitement, high stress, lots of details and severely disrupted family routine, normal family nurturing and structure is out the window. Therefore, someone gets treated with less honor or attention than they expect.

4. Funerals SEmD This is a time of grief, trauma, remorse and sensitive memories. People grieve differently and may say or do things in haste that they do not really mean. The style or type of funeral can be helpful. However, I have seen several times where a family member feels that the "memorial" activities were not sufficient (wrong words, ceremony inadequate, song in poor taste, etc.), and the deceased did not get what was due them.

5. Remarriage - Interesting dynamics, almost too much to deal with in a few words. The "new" person is more likely to be accepted if there has been enough time between the previous marriage and this one and proper respect has been given the previous spouse. Much of the success of the new arrangement will depend on the person in the family that is getting remarried. It can be quite a balancing feat to help family accept the new addition and, at the same time, help the new person feel a part of the family. However, the new person in the mix has an important role in helping the family understand this marriage is not taking the place of anyone else and their loved one is not being taken away from them. These dynamics can be true whether it's a parent or an adult child getting remarried.

6. Inheritance issues - This can be tricky. Some families who otherwise have had a harmonious past can unravel at these times. It's as if this time represents an acknowledgement of how much the survivors are valued by the deceased, how much the others who remain respect your contribution to the deceased. This can be even more delicate if the inheritance involves new members of the family - stepchildren, multiple marriages, etc. If one survivor gets something of more value than another, there are likely to be hurt feelings.

7. Health/Illness - A health problem that limits otherwise normal activity can become discouraging for that person and others. Some adjustments are hard to make and could take time to accept.

You may have other times that could be added. This is certainly not an exhaustive list.

(Ron Trusler is chief executive officer of Central Plains Center. Contact him at 806-293-2636 or ron@clplains.org)