grumpfest

I am in a bad mood. I am grumpy as can be and have been since 7:00 this morning. I hate when I get like this. I have a long list of things I am choosing to be grumpy about.

I am frustrated with myself for being so incredibly aggravated at Richard this morning.

I am so tired of being in pain, of thinking about pain, of paying for pain-relief through physical therapy.

I am ready to throw my hands up and scream at my broken body…and then after screaming collapse into oceans of tears that my ligaments are inept at holding me together.

I am tired of talking about it. I don’t want to answer questions about my body because I don’t have anything positive to say and I hate being a downer who no one wants to listen to.

I hate that my toilet doesn’t flush without buckets of water being poured into it.

I hate that my sink is endlessly clogged.

I hate that my grass is dead.

I hate that my dishwasher is broken. Again.

I am tired of cleaning.

I am tired of not being able to clean because my foot hurts too much.

ARGH! My foot appointment was supposed to be $75…what they quoted me on the phone, but when I got the bill yesterday it was $166. I called and asked a frillion questions and got it reduced to $145. I hate our medical system. I want prices posted clearly so patients know upfront exactly what they are getting and exactly what they are paying. The whole payment system is a crock.

I am tired of sleeping on the floor in the dining room because my bedroom is in the middle of being cleaned. I want to put everything away properly and that takes time. Time I don’t have to give because I can’t be on my foot for the length of time it takes to do it. My bed is covered with every piece of paper from my desk and armoire when I had to empty them at the beginning of the week to find the girls’ birth certificates. They got stuffed away somewhere when Liz straightened up my room during the January seizure incident. After hours of searching, I finally found them (thank goodness – they leave for Canada in just a few days), but my room has been completely taken apart and it is going to take me many days to get it put back together.

I could scream at our Subaru. Something is wrong with it. It barely made it to GRL and barely made it home. Whatever is wrong costs money and time and effort and I don’t want to give any of those things to a car we thought was a good choice and has turned out not to be and the car we knew was a great choice got hit one day into ownership.

I am frustrated that I am this frustrated when I know 90% of it is hormone related and I should just curl up with a good book and a hot pack on my cramps and call it a day.

I am ready to scream at the lack of time my husband has to work on this house. I need him to do something to save the rotting deck, fix the dishwasher, fix the toilet, fix the drain, build a bed, move Annesley into Keziah’s room, plant some grass seeds, pull out the stinky floor in the bathroom and replace it with new subfloor and cute linoleum that actually lays flat and meets the wall, clean the storage room, and fix my car. But all of that takes time and all of it takes money and none of those are in high quantities at our house. I want him to work all day tomorrow on some of those projects, but I don’t think its going to happen.

So, instead of staying in this miserable place, I am going to try to focus on gratitude.

I am grateful I have a husband.

I am grateful he loves me.

I am grateful to have a body.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to learn the lessons of having a body.

I am grateful to be in less pain than I used to be.

I am grateful to have been guided to find my physical therapist. He is doing wonderful things to help my hip.

I am grateful for my children.

I am grateful to have a home.

I am grateful to have running water that comes right into my home and allows me to wash dishes with relative ease.

I am grateful to have a toilet.

I am grateful to have vehicles to get us where we want to go.

I am grateful to still be able to drive. If my right foot was broken, I don’t think I could manage it.

I am grateful for a camping mattress to sleep on and that it is actually far more comfortable than my bed…just small and offers no privacy when out in the dining room.

I am grateful for a husband that works very hard day in and day out to provide for our family and that he values motherhood so much he wants me to stay home with our children.

I am grateful for the zucchini my neighbor brought to us. I will freeze it 7 C. portions and make my delicious zucchini soup all winter long.

I am grateful to be a woman and have an intact uterus even when it is cramping.

I am grateful to have outdoor loving children who played outside for several hours today while I wallowed in misery.

I am grateful for the cheapness of potatoes.

I am grateful Richard wrapped my foot up today before he went to work. Yesterday was awful with out the bandages.

I am grateful for Jesus.

I am grateful for covenants.

I am grateful for priesthood blessings.

I am grateful for tears that can be shed.

I am grateful to have a husband with a sense of humor.

I am grateful that even after today he will still laugh with me and love me.

I am grateful to Fisher for making lunch today. He cooked brown rice all by himself.

I am grateful to Annesley for making breakfast…yogurt and berries.

I am grateful to be reading Nothing To Envy…so, so grateful I don’t live in North Korea.

I am grateful for my mom’s efforts to cheer me up. It didn’t work, but I love that she tried.

I am grateful for refrigeration.

I am grateful for all the love that is in my life.

I am grateful for the gospel of hope. Without it I think these kinds of days would come quite frequently and boy, howdy, that would be miserable.

I am grateful for my cute Fiesta dishes…at least when they are piled up on the counter they are cute to look at.

I am grateful to be able to teach my children at home.

I am grateful for duct tape that is holding my vacuum together.

I am grateful for mechanical pencils.

I am grateful for water bottles.

I am grateful for dear friends.

I am grateful for the power of gratitude to buoy me up. Now I can tackle another day.

I think we need to allow ourselves more of these venting sessons. Not everyday is puppies, rainbows, and happiness, eh? Thanks for being so REAL and I hope the time comes for you to get all those important things done. xoxox

Sally, this is just what I needed to hear. Sometimes life is pretty overwhelming and while I think I have a fairly optimistic attitude most of the time, sometimes I need to look the hard stuff in the face and let myself be sad about it. Thank you for loving me…you are a gem!

About Me

I'm Tracy, a mama with big dreams, crazy ideas, loads of laughter, an insatiable desire to learn, and enormous piles of laundry.
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