Security check, checking ID’s, searching for weapons, follow thatsign, follow this sign, take that elevator. This was just part of theprocedures that I endured when I entered into an abortion clinic. As I walked down the hall with my boyfriend, I felt so isolated. Then Ichecked in again at another desk, but this time the receptionist behind thewindow handed me some paper work to fill out and directed me into awaiting room. The atmosphere was cold. Most of the women that were waitingheld their heads down , including myself. There was absolutely noconversation among anyone in the room. The only voices I heard were theemployees. It was so silent in the room, I questioned my decision to be there. Many questions pondered my mind: What am I doing here? Why am Ihere? I’m a Christian woman? How would the congregation respond ifthey were to learn that I was pregnant and unmarried? How can I callmyself a Christian, and at the same time be sitting here in an abortionclinic? Many other thoughts came to my mind …. I’m not married to myboyfriend ... I fornicated ... I work in the church ... Church folk look up tome. I tortured myself the entire time I sat in the waiting room. Finally, I began to justify my decision. It was then that I was calledby a nurse to report to the office. While in the office, I was briefly counseled and then given anultrasound. Once the ultrasound was completed, I returned back into thecounselor’s office. She showed me a picture of my six week old unborn child. Deepinside I was unmoved, and showed very little emotion because I continuedto justify my decision.But as I stared at the photo, I thought to myself, “Wow, I’m reallypregnant.” I again began to fear how my church members would probablycondemn me if they were to find out that I was pregnant out of wedlock. After the abortion procedure, I went to recovery room, and the atmosphere was totally different. The women in the recovery area weren’t sitting quietly, they were alltalking with each other. I heard one lady say, “Oh yeah, girl I have five children, and myhusband and I can hardly make it with them. So we decided to just abortthis one.” I interpret the communication as releasing the shame and a sigh ofrelief that it’s over. All the secrets were being exposed in the recovery room. Whathappened within the clinic, stayed within the clinic.I remained silent and continued to convince myself that I had madethe right decision, but I did not realize that I would have a price later on. I did not know that PASS (Post Abortion Stress Syndrome) wouldcompletely overwhelm and haunt me. When I returned home, the clothes I wore that day were thrown in the trash … including my shoes. I wanted to erase everything that happened that day.Three months passed, and I continued to keep my deep dark secret. I was too ashamed to reach out for help. I feared for what peoplewould think of me if I were to share that I had had an abortion, especiallyby people in my church. I felt that no one would understand my lost and pain. I stopped attending church and discontinued singing in the choir and participating in church activities. I did not feel worthy to do so. One day, I was browsing through my old anatomy and physiologybook, and I saw pictures of a six week old fetus, and read how developedits life systems had become.I was speechless and began to weep uncontrollably. I thought … ohJesus, I am a murderer! What have I done!? I was locked in despair and depression. I could not shake theshackles of shame and sadness. I did not like how I was feeling. My deepdark secret was destroying me, and satan was using my conscious tooverwhelm me with condemnation. One night, I was in the bathroom praying, and I asked God to pleasehelp me understand the mess that I’m going through. I told the Lord that if I had known what the after effects of anabortion was like, I would never have aborted my baby. That same night I asked the Lord to forgive me and I repented. I prayed … “Lord help me to help other women who were sufferingfrom the same burden , shame, guilt, and the pain from having anabortion. No one really knows how horrible the pain is unless you’ve beenthrough it.…There is forgiveness, of sins for all who repent. -- Luke24: 47(NLT)My road to recovery and healing began when I started to doresearch on abortion and the after effects, known as PASS(PostAbortion Stress Syndrome). According to Dr. Paul and Terri Reisser,PASS is the process of making an abortion choice, experiencing theprocedure and then having to live with the grief, pain, and regret. Below are symptoms that describe PASS, as described by Dr. Pauland Terri Reisser in their book, Help for the Post-Abortive Woman (nowentitled A Solitary Sorrow): Guilt, anxiety, psychological numbing, depression, anniversary syndrome, re-experiencing the abortion, preoccupation with becoming pregnant again, anxiety over fertility and child bearing issues, interruption of the bonding process with present and future children, self punishment, eating disorder, ineffective communication, brief reactive psychosis, alcohol abuse and drug abuse.My people are destroyed for lack knowledge … The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. -- Hosea 4:6(NASB)I experienced at least nine of those symptoms. Women needto be educated about PASS and the after effect of abortion. Iimmediately began to receive counseling from ChristianPsychotherapy and joined a church.

This helped me to get the courage I needed in order to laterjoin a Women’s Bible Study group and Abortion Recovery Ministryfor post abortive women provided through the Kiem Center ofTidewater. Jesus had already forgiven me at the very moment Irepented. Jesus came to save the world not to condemn the world.So, I had to learn that forgiveness had to begin with “me.” During my research, I learned that I was not alone. There arethousands of Christian women from every denomination who havehad an abortion, who suffered through the same pains andtorment, but have now recovered.Today, nine years later, I am able to embrace my brokenChristian sisters, non-Christian sisters, and men who’ve beenterrorized by the after effects of abortion. I believe that those women who are suffering, should seekthe healing that only Jesus can provide. Jesus doesn’t see us “aswe are,” but for what we can become through Him. Like a brokenvessel, He can put us back together … piece by piece …farstronger then we were before. I pray for the women and men who are hurting, that they willseek help and get the support they need to usher them into thehealing process and recovery. There is healing and hope. No oneis beyond hope. My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. -- 2 Corinthians12:9 (NLT)My dream came true in December 2011. I was sitting on my bed thinking about my child that I hadaborted nine years earlier. I had a heavy heart, so I got on myknees and I began to pray to the Lord.I asked God to please allow me to see my child. All I wantedto do was to get a glimpse of what could have been.Some time later, I fell asleep. In my dream I was walking in ayard that was not familiar to me. I saw Mark my husband at thetime , walking with a little boy who appeared to be about eight ornine years of age. He wore a very bright white shirt, whiter thansnow and dark slacks and they were holding hands. I did notrecognize who the child was, but he was laughing and very playful.Mark began playfully swinging him in a circle. As I approached them, I realized that the child was a youngerimage of Mark. Out of nowhere, this child grabs my left hand and holds it tightly and we stared into each other’s eyes. His head was a perfect shaped oval, his beautiful eyes wereshaped like almonds and his complexion was smooth like caramel.He was the most handsome little boy that I’d ever seen! He had a radiant smile, and he smiled at me and I smiledback. It was a beautiful feeling. Instantly, I felt strongly connected to this child, but before Icould ask him who he was … he spoke. And with a calm, clear and peaceful voice, he said, “MOMMY I FORGIVE YOU FORNOT KEEPING ME.” Suddenly, I was awaken by those words and tears werepouring from my eyes. I thanked the Lord for giving me theprivilege to see my son, my aborted child, my unforgotten son. I give God all the glory and praise for that moment with my child.It is pleasant to see dreams come true, but fools refuse to turn from evil to attain them. -- Proverbs 13:19 (NLT)