Group Therapy: Should I Leave My Sick Boyfriend?

I've been together with my boyfriend for almost 10 years now. He's 19 years older than me, and I started dating him when I was 20. We are so right for each other, and in the past we've had the same goals and values in life. Neither of us had wanted to get married or have any kids (he was married and divorced so now he will not consider marriage again). Now that I'm 30, I feel like I may want to settle down and have children, and I have been trying to convince him into giving marriage another shot, or I might have to end the relationship. He has already told me time and time again that he will not marry again. However, a few weeks ago, he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, and I feel like I need to be there for him in his toughest times . . . Obviously, with his disease, it would not be wise to have children because I'll need to do most of the housework, take care of the children and work full time.

Oh I think you should do the me me me in human thing and leave him now before he gets to sick and others realize what a puke of a human you are.

4 years

I agree with most posters - don't stay in a romantic relationship with this man if you don't feel that it's what is best for you, regardless of his condition. You both owe it to yourselves to have the opportunity to move on and live the lives you each hope for, which can't be done if you stay together.
On that note, Parkinson's is a tough disease and will definitely require tons of support from people that love him - if you feel that you can maintain a friendly relationship with him, you can still be there to help him out. My mother-in-law has been battling Parkinson's for about 5 years now (she's only 57) and watching her need assistance doing things she used to do independently is heart-wrenching. She is lucky to have a great support system in family and friends, making it easier to cope.

As a woman, you only have a limited amount of time in life to have children. As others have mentioned, you can still support him as a friend if you break up. Also make sure he understands that it has absolutely nothing to do with his illness and that you still plan to be a supportive friend. Good luck.

Hey Doll!
If you find that you are your mate don't want the same things out of life and you can't find compromise then there's really little left to do, over time you may come to resent him & feel as if he's held you back & stopped your life from flourishing.
We say love him unconditionally & be there for him in his time of need but don't remain in a relationship out of pity or sacrifice your own happiness to do for someone what you can for them while you 2 are apart.
Be honest with him about where you are at this point in your life & let him know that you'll still be there for him if he's willing to accept your help but it's time for you to move on, your stifling yourself.
Live your life honey!
X0X0
♥
The Dolls!
http://dollsociety.tumblr.com
http://twitter.com/The_Dolls

Hey Doll!If you find that you are your mate don't want the same things out of life and you can't find compromise then there's really little left to do, over time you may come to resent him & feel as if he's held you back & stopped your life from flourishing.We say love him unconditionally & be there for him in his time of need but don't remain in a relationship out of pity or sacrifice your own happiness to do for someone what you can for them while you 2 are apart.Be honest with him about where you are at this point in your life & let him know that you'll still be there for him if he's willing to accept your help but it's time for you to move on, your stifling yourself. Live your life honey!X0X0♥The Dolls!http://dollsociety.tumblr.comhttp://twitter.com/The_Dolls

I agree that staying out of guilt is a very misguided feeling. All you will end up cultivating out of that is resentment on your part because at some point you will feel stuck. Leave now and live the life that is right for you. If he's as mature as his age would suggest he will understand after the hurt that you were twenty when you entered the relationship and emotionally immature by any standard. You're thirty now a different women, a mature women who knows what she wants for her life. He needs to understand that change in you and accept that. I also agree that you don't have to be with him to be his friend and help care for him in his times of need. My mother suffered from Parkinson's for fifteen years and it will be very hard to watch a strong person slowly over time year after year lose their independence and control over themselves. If you are going to be there for him as a friend you should educate your self as much as you can on the disease and understand that it will be a long road.

I agree that staying out of guilt is a very misguided feeling. All you will end up cultivating out of that is resentment on your part because at some point you will feel stuck. Leave now and live the life that is right for you. If he's as mature as his age would suggest he will understand after the hurt that you were twenty when you entered the relationship and emotionally immature by any standard. You're thirty now a different women, a mature women who knows what she wants for her life. He needs to understand that change in you and accept that.
I also agree that you don't have to be with him to be his friend and help care for him in his times of need. My mother suffered from Parkinson's for fifteen years and it will be very hard to watch a strong person slowly over time year after year lose their independence and control over themselves. If you are going to be there for him as a friend you should educate your self as much as you can on the disease and understand that it will be a long road.

4 years

I agree with Emjaye31 and birdylan. You don't owe him anything. You've already spent 10 years with him. Make a clean break now and don't look back. "Being there" for him will likely stall your search for a husband another 10 years. Do not feel guilty and don't let anyone else make you feel guilty about leaving. He knew this day was coming. A man that much older knows that a woman at age 20 will have different goals and aspirations at age 30.

I've been in a similar situation, only on the other end. My guy and I were together for 5 years and having some rough times before I became very sick and hospitalized for quite a long time. He had wanted to end things before I got sick, and did so. At the time it was extremely painful and what made it even worse was the fact that he was there for me because it made it impossible for me to get over him and move on. Once we both made a clean cut, I was able to re-build myself from the ground up and I was grateful for the clean split.
My point is, is that his sickness should not make you feel guilty for breaking up with him. If you want marriage and children, you can't settle. You have to be selfish in life sometimes and giving him a clean break is the best way to go about it.

I've been in a similar situation, only on the other end. My guy and I were together for 5 years and having some rough times before I became very sick and hospitalized for quite a long time. He had wanted to end things before I got sick, and did so. At the time it was extremely painful and what made it even worse was the fact that he was there for me because it made it impossible for me to get over him and move on. Once we both made a clean cut, I was able to re-build myself from the ground up and I was grateful for the clean split.My point is, is that his sickness should not make you feel guilty for breaking up with him. If you want marriage and children, you can't settle. You have to be selfish in life sometimes and giving him a clean break is the best way to go about it.

Don't stay with him out of guilt. You will resent him and it will show. But even if you're not romantically involved, you can still be a friend and a support system for him and help him deal with this difficult disease.

Totally agree with Emjaye. He should have realized that at 20, you were probably too young to make a committment to never get married or have kids. If that is something you now want, then you need to leave him. Staying with him out of guilt is not good for either of you. You will restent him. As others have said you can still try to be there as a source of support without being his gf.

4 years

If children are your ultimate desire then you have to leave him, as extremely difficult as it will be. Make sure he understands that you are not leaving him because of his illness but because he cannot make you happy. You are only 30 and deserve the chance of marriage and children if that is your desire. He must have known that at 20 when you started to date him that realistically you are too young at 20 IMHO to of known that you would always be ok with not having a family and getting married.

At this point, you've realized that you want different things in life. He has already had the experience of being married. If you're serious about wanting to have a family, you won't get anywhere staying in a relationship with this man. It's a terribly sad situation and I agree that you can remain as a source of support for him, but it's my opinion that you need to move on.

Agree with soul searcher. You don't have to be there for him as a gf but as a friend. It will be hard because he and possibly you will have feelings for each other. If you stay in the long run out of guilt because of his disease, you will resent him for it. You will be wasting your time because your dream of getting married and having children will come to complete halt. Imagine if he found out you stayed with him only because of the disease and not out of love. And imagine dedicating your life to helping him out. You are not a nurse who is hired to help. You should leave now before it's harder to back out. Be there for him as a friend; I'm sure he has other people in his life to help him as well.

You don't have to be his gf to be there for him. I'd just be honest but tell him that you will still be there for him because of the rough time he is going through. But dont' stay in it because he is sick. Whether you leave now or a year from now, he will still find a way to get over it, but if you leave later, that's a year that you will never get back.