What is it?For some reason, most people assume that scabies is an ancient disease, one that died out with child workhouses and British naval power. Alas, these tiny mites are still around, still burrowing into your genitals and still laying eggs in your skin.When your parents warned you about catching scabies at festivals, they weren't far wrong: although most often spread through sexual contact, they can also be picked up from sharing bedding with someone who’s infected. You'll know you have it if your genitals or the bits between your fingers and toes itch like hell, leading to inflamed, broken and red skin that weeps to the touch.Their burrows are visible on the skin as little grey ridges. I guess they're kind of like if herpes and bed bugs had a baby and made a B-line for your genitals. Tasty.

What is it?A sneaky bacterial infection that is, again, often symptomless. However, it's a pretty industrious disease, and if left to its own devices, could slowly savage your tubes and insides, causing infertility. If you’ve had it for a while, it can cause inflammation of the bladder and urethra, which means pain, needing to pee a lot and, well, more pain. Women might mistake the symptoms for cystitis, but not all pee-pain is the same, people. It's harder to mistake for men, mostly because it makes dicks look like dead, crying baby whales.

What is it?Contracted through vaginal intercourse, trich is a parasite that's becoming increasingly common in the UK. Once it finds its host (your uglies) it wriggles around making itself comfortable. It’s pretty harmless on the whole and may not show symptoms, but can cause itching, soreness and a nasty smell, as well as pain during sex. Worse, if pregnant women carry the parasite, it can cause the unborn baby developmental problems. Let's face it, there's not much that sucks more than an innocent baby having to suffer for your disgusting libido.