Follow-up: Doing the snake probably doesn’t mean what you think it means

Yesterday I wrote about “doing the snake” because I thought it was a dance but then lots of people were like “What are you talking about?” and turns out it’s not really a dance at all. But then other people argued that it was a dance and they were like “Oh, I can do the snake” but no one could agree on exactly what it was, and so I asked Victor and he said, “The Snake? Yeah, I know that one.” Then I did what I thought was the snake and he was like, “No, that’s The Wave” and so I did that Axl Rose shimmy dance and he thought I was having a seizure, and he explained that The Snake was that breakdance move where you get on the floor and make your body wave, but then he was like, “Hang on, no. That’s The Centipede.” So turns out that lots of people think that “Doing the snake” is a dance but none of us know what it looked like and I’m guessing it was something we all knew how to do until The Silence erased it from our collective minds for some reason.

Also on yesterday’s post, one of my favorite commenters brought up a product called Kitty Carpet, which I assumed was a throw rug for cats but which turned out to be a big, fat triangle of adhesive fake hair you can stick on your lady garden when you’ve had a bad wax job.

I don’t even have the words, y’all. Oh wait. Yes, I do. The words are “Ow” and “Keep that fucking thing away from me.”

It seems like ripping off the “reusable downstairs toupee” would cause even more damage, but what do I know? It comes in several colors, including one called “Michael Jackson’s hair” and I’m not making any of this up. I don’t know if I’m more baffled by the product or the ad copy: “Long gone are the days of picking up hairs from the bathroom floor and saving them to make your own merkin.”

Also: “Infinitely reusable.” Nope.

Although, now that I think about it, this would probably be a great product for women who are afraid of men taking up-skirt pictures of them on the subway. Or maybe a bikini bottom for women who are nervous about joining a nudist colony. Or an actual toupee for real cats. The possibilities are endless. And by “endless” I mean “awful”.

PS. I just found this video that shows a woman “doing the snake” and it’s worth watching just to see the snake. Also, I think she might be wearing a really snazzy version of the Kitty Carpet that she probably made with her own BeDazzler. Full circle, y’all.

I think the best part of this might be the fact that the delightful shade of pink shown is called “natural pink,” as though pink is a color that one might expect to find on someone’s head without chemical assistance.

Merkin humor abounds at the RenFaire where I work. I was going to create the Morris Dance Merkin….but I can skip that and go straight to the kitty carpet. It also means if you try to pet it I’ll claw the crap outta’ you. Thanks for the info, I’m going to get right on it!

Of course it needs to be reusable. That’s just good for the environment. You don’t want landfills filled with discarded “down there” toupees, do you?

Unrelated note: I have a floor cleaner that uses pads to clean hard wood floors using steam. The pads look suspiciously like these “toupees.” Somehow, I don’t think you’d want to try steam-cleaning that area, though. That might hurt and then you’d need a down-there shaped band-aid.

I could have lived another dozen years or so without knowing that such a thing existed or that someone’s twisted mind had thought it up in the first place much less that someone thought it was a useful product. The only thing I’m not surprised is that Amazon sells it because, well not only Benghazi, but Amazon has never underestimated the intelligence of its customers.

KITTY CARPET? Oh my God, I’m officially scarred for life. Also, I’m buying one of those. I don’t think I’ll use it as intended; I might just put it on the mantle. Like, see, it could be worse. I could have to have a pubic toupee.

I don’t care much for the pink one, which is odd, because I do like the color pink (not, you know, like lady pink or whatever, but it’s cool if others do). I’m kind of into the Michael Jackson hair. The blond just looks like bad shag. Ha! Shag.

1) I love that the snake dance video was in German
2) The snake special effects were nothing short of amazing. I hope that snake got an Oscar
3) Unfortunately I can never unsee that dance. Or the kitty carpet.

Kitty Carpet, be darned, that right there is a Merkin! I belong to a local knitting group where we have a story of a Brazilian done for love, a vasectomy-reversal refusal, a breakup, which all led to a sad, lonely, bald va-jay-jay and finally, a discussion of charity Merkin knitting! (A good use for all that novelty yarn the old ladies like so much… aka FUN FUR. I shit you not.)

The merkin (Kitty Carpet) is not a new invention. According to some sources, they have been used since at least 1450. As a word, it has been in the Oxford English Dictionary since 1617. I work at the renaissance faire, and I may have made one as a gag gift for a friend. Maybe. Allegedly.

I also remember the snake being a dance, but I think that was more of a guy dance, which is suitable, i guess, given that guys have the same moniker for theirs. (SMH). And my next web surfing venture is to see how many of these damn kitty carpets actually sell. My guess is that I can go to Walmart and buy some felt in the art aisle and cut out a triangle in any color I want and slap it on with double stick tape. Disclaimer*** I have never done that. I’m just saying. But the felt is not as thick the way this product seems. How will that even look under a bikini, given the fact that this is why she got a Brazilian done in the first place. WHY DO WOMEN DO THIS TO THEMSELVES???

See, when I read “doing the snake,” I immediately thought of the lipstick scene in Night of the Demons 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU3l1ke12XI). I apologize in advance for that. Also, I could have used that kitty carpet after my first (and last) Brazilian. But, ummmm, no.

Loved the snake dance video. Very entertaining to hear the ancient Indian dialect–also known as German? As for the Pussy Pelt: I’m getting up there in age, and I’d want a good match. So, does it come in a salt and pepper color?

“Long gone are the days of picking up hairs from the bathroom floor and saving them to make your own merkin.”

WERE THERE EVER DAYS LIKE THAT?!

Additionally, it’s rare for somebody to ever on the same page as me when I reference something.I don’t know what dance move I’d think “doing the snake” was, but I’d probably think “doing the snake” referred to some other thing, like mountain biking down the snake trail or some such. Or something far less PG.

I’m curious about why people expose themselves so often they need a ‘down there toupee’? If I had a bad Brazilian, not many people would know about it, don’t really feel the need to add insult to injury by pasting on more hair!

As my Lady Garden looks rather like a nasty patch of poison ivy, this Kitty Carpet thing-a-ma-bopper looks rather interesting. Personally, I think the botched Brazilian probably occurs when you’re removing the damn thing. Hell, if it doesn’t work, I can always use it as a dusting rag. As for the “Long gone are the days of picking up hairs from the bathroom floor and saving them to make your own merkin,” I might have taken part in that kind of activity in university. I seem to hazily recall spending a lot of time lying moaning on bathroom floors after having driven the porcelain bus several blocks. Take it from me – there are a lot of short curlies down there.

A big, fat triangle of adhesive fake hair you can stick on your lady garden when you’ve had a bad wax job?
Someone actually took the time out of their life to sit down and deal with this “problem”? And this was their solution?
What’s wrong with people, Jenny? Was this invented by a Kardashian cousin?

The Snake video: Check out the bare-naked bazongas on the giant goddess at the back of the room. I guess they didn’t have a censor in Germany in the 1950s. Also: totally believable cobra. Completely not a garden hose covered with electrical tape.

I burned my vagina once. I don’t want to talk about it, but the idea of putting adhesive hair to cover it up seems overly painful. I mean, if I got a botched wax, I don’t think I’d be worried about what it looked like because nobody would be getting near me because it would freakin’ hurt.
Also, that snake dance was pretty awesome. I want to be a weird snake dancer.

I cannot say a bad thing about Kitty Carpets. They saved me from ever again having to experience the dreaded “White Elephant” gift exchange with my family. While searching for inappropriate gifts to anonymously include in the exchange, luck was on my side and I found this splendid product. You should just imagine the look on my granny’s face when she unveiled her present! The Kitty Carpets stepped over the line of acceptability, and every holiday party since has been gift-exchange-free. Success!

I’m sorry thrusting your bedazzled kitty carpeted lady garden at a cobra is not the brightest idea because what if the cobra says, “Oh I want that shiny thing!” And then you’d be screwed…..so to speak.

MERKIN’s; a.k.a Kitty Carpet isn’t new! … Jenny, I don’t know exactly when ii was that I heard about this, but this tad bit of useless knowledge won me a $50 bar tab! Old time hookers used them cause of public lice, Crabs and to hide STD’s like syphilis.

Oh my god, that video. I felt like I was watching some weird diaper commercial for strippers. “For unstoppable ladies, the freedom to move without compromising looks or comfort. Now in Super Va-dazzled so you can be pants free and finally do the snake dance for creepy men in a cave”.

Ok, now look, people, I need some help here: I watched the video, I get that the cobra is not real , but what is a merkin? It sounds like something people in the Middle Ages wore, but I am hoping for a complete description as I am not sure what everyone is talking about! So, sorry to be the only person who didn’t Google it, but I thought I’d rather just ask all y’all enlightened souls on here;) Thank you and Goodbye!

When I went to cheerleading camp in SoCal the summer of 1986 they taught us a cheer that had the Snake in it. You put your arms out like a “T” and do a kind of “wave” with your arms and your head “snaked” back and forth. It was god awful. We did it once at school and were practically run out of the gym. Horrible.

I totally remember the snake move from the 80’s and 90’s, specifically because by the time I finally figured out how to do it, it was no longer cool. It was moving your head and shoulders from side to side like you were crawling under a fence post sideways.

Bloggess!!!!! I love you!!! When your book came out, I snatched it right away. When my dad passed away last year, your video diaries about depression helped me through, I think you are super awesomely quirky and wonderful in every way. I need your devoted readers to help me I’d possible. Trying to win a trip to Rwanda with Noonday Collections. I have 7 days to move from #29 to #7 or above. Will anyone click and vote? I’m the red head with the goat. If you click this link and scroll to bottom, that’s me. http://www.noondaycollection.com/styleforjustice#view/23056/2106519

Help?

(I never advocate for voting contests because everyone gets mad because I don’t push them but I’m happy to leave this link here if anyone wants to vote for you, although I will say that the person I was first asked to vote for was this guy so that’s who I voted for: http://www.noondaycollection.com/styleforjustice#view/23056/2107748 I’m not sure if he’s for real but I do really like his eye make-up. ~ Jenny)

Holy hell!! I watched the video. I couldn’t look away. There was an actual snake–kind of. However, that is NOT what I pictured or would have ever even considered if someone told me they could do the “snake”. And seriously…I think that pink thing should be a throw rug for kitties. That works out better in my head. Love your posts!

Yeah, I didn’t know what The Snake was, but I was afraid to ask. But more importantly, the Kitty Carpet. What? Just what? I still can’t figure out the point. And I very much wish it was a little throw rug for cats.

No discussion of animal fur and merkins would be complete without a random bit of medieval trivia…. I’m told that women would wear a squirrel tale inside their tight-fitted dresses so that their cheeks wouldn’t display separately. Basically, they wanted a “uni-butt” instead of today’s “uni-boob” (or the dreaded uni-brow”.
That said…consider that my source was a drunken lecherous army veteran at a brewing festival.
I daren’t look it up here at work. At least not until the NEXT coffee break.

Wow……a botched brazillian! The thought had never even occurred to me that it could be botched. I’m mildly traumatized by that. Good luck to all of you who suffer from a botched brazillian. I hope the product helps you…maybe there should be some kind of support group.

I am seriously concerned now about my mental and emotional well-being, in that I was becoming quite agitated when you described the Centipede but I thought you were calling it the Snake. I’m now over it, given you know which is which. I just couldn’t stand thinking of you walking around unenlightened like that:).

Does Kitty Carpet have a Twitter account? Because I really want to start following them now. I mean, pantyO, the world’s first Kegel exercise panty, was one of my first followers, so I feel it’s only fair and appropriate to have Kitty Carpet on Twitter, too. These two belong together.

Now I love a shocking pink merkin as much as the next guy, which is to say, I’d better not be picking bits of that out of my teeth, but what am I to make of those oblique perforations? It looks like a pink layer of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls laid out and allowed to grow mold!
Keep that thing away from any squish mitten I have anything to do with, is all I’m sayin’.

I wonder if the slow selling kitty carpet stock manager is wonder why the hell they sold all their stock in one day. Love the idea of slipping this in for white elephant gifts. I agree that a botch Brazilian support group would.be less painful than a kitty carpet.

And please. please….i know someone said it’s a body stocking…but i. Couldn’t see a single line/edge at her neck/arm/leg. Am I blind or its a really good coloring or those bits are just glue/stuck right on!

How have I gone this long never having heard the term “merkin?” Also, I’m giggling a little thinking about Debra Paget in a retirement home somewhere wearing adult diapers of her own design to match what she wore for that snake dance. I think I might need help.

I learned about merkins a few years back. Never did get over that picture on wikipedia that looks like a cousin of Elmo is being swallowed whole by some girl’s vajaja and is reaching out in one last ditch effort at rescue. {SMH}

So Debra Paget was vajazzled and completely bra-dazzled before it all became a “Thing”. Awesome… Seriously, did anyone notice how dazzling all her junk was? I mean, even her badonkadonk was bedazzling!

I got stuck at the whole The Silence deal. And am now seriously freaked out that a Silent is near by and I’m not remembering long enough to make the mark on my skin that I’ve seen them. This could end badly. Or it’s just a sign I watch WAY too much Doctor Who….but that can’t possibly be a problem, can it?

Wait… That video… There are no words. Except: why are they speaking German in India? And why did she look so freaked out if she knew she was just going to do a little dance? And why did the snake have so many teeth? And OH MY GOSH! That girl was SO skinny and fit and clearly worked out and there was NO thigh gap! SUCK IT, VICTORIA’S SECRET! My life is better for having watched that clip. Thank you.

P.S. Have you ever watched that snake-woman movie on Netflix? It’s like “night of the cobra woman” or something. It showed up in my newsfeed and looked old-timey wholesome, so I went for it. WRONG! Traumatized for life. For life, y’all. LIFE.

Fake kitty fur? For your lady parts? I find this . . .
Nope, I have no words. Well, maybe – confusing, disturbing, creepy, wrong, painful. And I know I am one of the few who don’t, but why would you let anyone, seriously, ANYONE, put wax on that particular location? I have no desire to look like a 12 year old girl, or a runway at an airport, or any of the other options (are there other options?). And I sure as hell wouldn’t replace it with pink acrylic “fur”. Yikes.

I got stuck at the whole The Silence deal. And am now seriously freaked out that a Silent is near by and I’m not remembering long enough to make the mark on my skin that I’ve seen them. This could end badly. Or it’s just a sign I watch WAY too much Doctor Who….but that can’t possibly be a problem, can it?