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Monday, January 3, 2011

Wherein We Tell the World We're Pregnant

Sentimental is not a word people use to describe me. If it doesn't serve a functional purpose, I throw it away. Walks down memory lane are an exercise I do without. Emotions make me angry.

Telling people I'm (we're) pregnant is a wildly awkward situation I'd like to get over as quickly and painlessly as possible--it's sort of like going to the dentist. Charming, I know.

Naturally, this response leads to the absolutely most awkward and painful ways of telling people since everyone other than me wants to fuss, cry, hug and/or jump up and down over the news.

Don't believe me? Here's a sampling of how I handled telling people:

Telling the husbandWhen a month and week passed by with no signs of getting my period, I became suspect. Greenwich could set their clocks to my schedule. Since we were officially "trying" to get pregnant, I didn't want to get my hopes up and test too soon only to see a negative pregnancy test. So I waited.

It was precisely one week and three days after I was supposed to have my period when my resolve to take the test broke down. Unfortunately, before I was able to take the test the following exchange happened between me and my husband:

Husband: Time to get up. We have massages scheduled this morning.

Me: Uh...I'm going to pass. Why don't you take my session and get an extra long massage (Note of clarification: there's all sorts of conflicting rumors on the subject of massages in the first trimester of pregnancy. Since I had done all of no research on it, I didn't want to risk anything.)

Husband: Get out of bed you lazy bird. You are a stress ball and this helps you.

Me: (after numerous pleas of "I'll just sleep in" or "I don't feel that great", I gave up and spluttered out) I can't go.

Husband: Why the hell not?

Me: Because I might be pregnant and you can't get massages when you're pregnant. But I don't know for sure because I've held off on getting a pregnancy test. I was going to go buy one today.

Husband: ...

I'll spare you the rest of this riveting conversation and leave you with this: He went and got his massage and I texted him that I was indeed pregnant. Welcome to the technology era.

Telling my momWhere I lack in sentimentality, my mother makes up for it three thousand fold. She will gladly show you every item I produced from birth until last week. Milestones are meant to be celebrated with much pomp and circumstance and as much attention as possible.

I felt a ridiculous amount of pressure telling my mom that she was finally going to have a non-furry grandchild. She has been waiting roughly 32 years and 11 months for this announcement; so I needed to make it brilliant, charming, full of sentimental mementos she could cherish.

I told her over a plate of lasagna after trying to find the "right moment" all day long.