While the economy may still be in the tank, there are lucrative career opportunities out there for those with the necessary skills to work with celebrities.

Now Hiring:

Personal Zoologist for Khloe KardashianDuties: Study and document the large mammal in its natural habitat: Eating buckets of chicken in the dressing room of Lane BryantPros: Free access to extensive family library of sex tapes.Cons: Most scientists in the field eventually lose appendage in unprovoked attack over peanut brittle.

Parole Officer for Lindsay LohanDuties: Monitor the erratic starlet and prevent her from drinking, drugging, or making a sequel to “Herbie Fully Loaded”.Pros: Oftentimes, work is conducted in the lush surroundings of a Malibu rehab facility.Cons: Jewelry, clothing, and pacemakers often go “missing”.

Paranormal Researcher for Michele BachmannDuties: Investigate the supernatural entity that has possession of the Minnesota congresswoman’s grasp on reality.Pros: Will have ample opportunity to enjoy the outdoors while digging up Indian burial sites and the grave of Ronald Reagan in search of “National Treasure”-style clues to President Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate.Cons: Ectoplasmic swirl of conspiracy theories may suck you into a fourth dimension between the living and the politically dead. Tip: When you hear your name, either walk toward or away from the light.

This is just astounding to watch history in the making. And I can’t confirm all reports but, apparently, CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was attacked for the second time in as many days by an irate, irrational Lindsay Lohan. The “Mean Girl” allegedly accused Cooper of tricking her into shoplifting a $2,500 Egyptian necklace from a Venice, Calif. boutique, and she is now demanding the dreamy, blue-eyed newscaster step down and immediately leave the country.