The story of an accident prone Englishman living in The Netherlands.

Mr. Mosquito, Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?

Bzz.

Please tell the court where you were between the hours of 11:00pm on July 15th and 6:00am on July 16th.

Bbbzzzzz… bbbzzzzz… bzzz.

Mr. Mosquito. Must I already remind you that you are under oath?

Bz.

Then I ask you again, please tell the court where you were between the hours of 11:00pm on July 15th and 6:00am on July 16th and please try to think about your answer very carefully.

Bbbbzzzzz… bbbzzzzz.

And what were you doing in the bedroom of my client at such a late hour?

Bbbbbzzz… bbzzz… bzzz… bzzz.

You were only trying to collect food for your family? I can understand that. It’s very noble. I’m a family man myself. I have two little ones of my own. I’d do anything for them. But please tell me; why the multiple bite marks on the one foot.

Bbzzz?

It’s a simple enough question Mr. Mosquito! Why did you repeatedly bite my client on the underside of his foot? You must have known this would result in it being very painful for him to walk the next morning. This hardly sounds like the actions of a concerned family man now does it? If you really have a family at all that is.

Bz! Bbzzzz bbbbzzzzzz bbzzz bz bbbbzzzzz!

I see… Well, if I was to believe such a thing then I have to ask; why keep my client awake all night? If indeed the foot was the only thing exposed from under the bed sheets as you have stated then why would you fly all the way up to the ear at the other end of the body. You did not feed there so this seems like a pointless action. Unless you were intent on keeping my client awake by buzzing around his ear.

Shall I tell you what I think Mr. Mosquito? I think you chose to bite my client on the underside of the foot and I think you chose to take your time to buzz around his ear between bites because you like your victims to be scared. I think you like to keep them awake all night. I think it adds to your twisted sense of fun.

Bzzz! Bbbbzzzz bzz bbbbzzzzz!

And what about my client’s girlfriend? She was sleeping peacefully next to him all night and yet we know you did not bite her. You did not go near her. You only seemed interested in my client, some might say obsessed even, fixated on one victim. Why is that Mr. Mosquito? Do you only like men?

Bz! Bz!

But it’s not enough is it Mr. Mosquito! What about the bites along the spine during the night that followed? What’s the matter? Is blood no longer enough? Do you need spinal fluid to give you the buzz you so desperately crave? It’s becoming harder to control that insane hunger isn’t it Mr. Mosquito! ISN’T IT!

Bbzz! Bbbbzzzzz!

The blood found in your stomach at the time of your arrest was a DNA match for my client! We know you did it! We can all see you for what you really are! The ritualistic biting, the tormenting, the preference for the male victim, only striking during the summer months! All clearly the emerging pattern of a sexually perverted serial killer! You can’t control the hunger any longer can you Mr. Mosquito. It’s building inside of you, clawing away! How long until you kill Mr. Mosquito! Have you already? HAVE YOU! WHERE ARE THE BODIES?!

Bbbzzz. Bbbzzz. Bbbbbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It’s no use crying Mr. Mosquito. All you can do now is confess.

Bz.

Very well… As you wish.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the court, you have heard the defendant’s obvious lies. You have heard the evidence and you have heard the chilling events that transpired. All I ask is that you think them over very clearly when giving your verdict. ‘Guilty’ or not guilty… Thank you for your time.

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29 responses to “The Mosquito Trial”

Amanda – Er… yeah… well… There is a perfectly good explanation for that and that explanation is…. er… That’s what they want you to think… Yeah, that’s it. That’s just what to defendant wants you to think.

You could try some tea tree oil. Mosquitos don’t like the smell of it (most people don’t either) and will leave you alone. You can buy it real cheapo in a small bottle from Kruidvat. A friend of mine used this stuff when she went to Ghana and it’s really a good tip.

Well, we have a couple of new ‘toys’ in the house here – HG do a powered fly swatter – looks like a small tennis racket, except instead of strings, it has the metal bars similar to the ‘Insectocutor’ lamps you find in butchers and the like. 2 AA batteries in the handle, and it’s the best 3 Euros ever spent. They don’t splat against a wall, leaving their (and probably your) blood smeared everywhere – a few sparks and a herky-jerky later and they’re crispy critters. MUCH more satisfying….

Hilarious post!
Every year, in case I am out of stock in my home of anything, I make a special trip to Xenos to stock up on anything and everything which will help ward them off. This year, I’ve added plug-in citronella oil warmers to the mix. We seem to be mosquito-free this year, so far [knock on wood].

Such heinous crimes cannot go unpunished! I myself have been a victim of these so-called “familymen/women”. As a witness, I can only say that they are indeed as cruel and viscious as they are portrayed in this plea. The only word that applies here is: Guilty.

Did you know that the mosquitos prefer a certain bloodtype? Me and Levi both have that type (O positive, although I’m not sure the positive is important for the mozzies), and we get bitten a LOT.

Did you know Asian mosquitos are meaner than the European ones? While we were in Thailand, about a month ago, I got 13 bites in one night and they all got about the size of a… well, the size of the palm of a child’s or small woman’s hand. I felt like I was glowing red in the dark, they were so nasty!

But none on the sole of my foot. Commiserations Stu… Guilty I say! Fry ’em all!

Stu, I like this. You are making an example of Mr Mosquito. I hope it works, although so mean is their spirit and so rapacious their desire for human blood, I fear you will just become a greater target! Have you ever tried putting a fan next to your bed, by the way? They get caught on the thermals and can’t get at you…bliss for you and severe frustration and torture for mosquitos! Doesn;t that sound good?

What is this? I get busy for a while and develop a bit of a backlog, and now you are famous? I don’t recognise this world anymore! Oh well, nice to see anyway. :-)

On a different note, the final answer to all your mosquito problems: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGkPMZxWPpA
You have probable already seen it, but I keep giving out the link to people as I love it so much, if only so I have a reason to watch it again, and again, and again. ;-)

VallyP – I know this will most likely make me a target of mosquito revenge but someone has to stand up and show them we are not afraid and that they will be made to account for their actions.
I’ve done the fan thing before but I find it hard to sleep with the thing on. Maybe after all I am just asking for it.

The solution is easy. Date Steve. I hadn’t had so much as a mosquito nibble in two years, until i went on holidays before him. They ate me for six days, then, when he joined me again, i was left alone.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Stuart is an accident prone Englishman who has been living in the Netherlands since 2001. Even his move to the country was an unintentional accident, the result of replying to a cryptic job advertisement he found one day in a local British magazine. Since then he has learned to love the Dutch (so much so that he married one of them) and now calls the country home. He started the blog Invading Holland in 2006 as a place to share his strange stories of language misunderstandings, cultural confusions and his own accident prone nature.