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Religion

Monterey Baptist
It was a privilege to recognize the veterans in our congregation today. As the military medley played, the men stood while their branch’s song was being played.
Our deepest gratitude to Jim Bob Cook (Air Force), Joe Peters (Army), Gary Derringer (Army), Foster Smith (Army) and Melvin Miller (Army). We should never forget the sacrifice the men and women (past and present) have made so we could worship freely. May God bless you.

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried time and again while a couple of birds sat on a branch and watched him.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and said: “Dear, don’t you think it’s time we tell him he’s adopted?”

An old man on a moped pulls up next to a young fellow in a Corvette at a stoplight.
“What kind of car you got there?” the old guy asks, his thumbs tucked into his suspenders.
“It’s a 2014 Corvette, special made,” the young fellow boasted. “It cost me nearly $80,000.”
The old fellow leaned in and took a look. He saw the stick shift on the floor, the stylish steering wheel, and the speedometer that registered over 200 mph.
“Mighty nice,” the old man said.

One of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a while is about the especially handsome man who decided it was his God-given responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could have the best looking children ever.
He happened onto a farmer who had three breathtakingly gorgeous daughters. So he explained to the farmer his mission, and asked permission to marry one of his daughters. The farmer agreed, telling him to look them over and take his pick.

I was amused the other day to read some suggested voicemails greetings that truly are a sign of the times in which we live.
Here’s one that gave a chuckle:
“Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.”
And this one:

There’s the story of the preacher who worked up quite the appetite after a long day of knocking on doors, inviting people to church.
At the last home he was to visit that day, the lady of the house asked him if he’d like something to eat. He eagerly said yes, and she handed him a bowl filled with a strange, smelly mixture. He wasn’t certain what it was, but he was so hungry he began spooning down the contents.
As the preacher ate, he noticed this little pig running around the kitchen, squealing loudly and giving him lots of attention.

Elk Lick Baptist
Bro. John’s sermon was on Matthew 26:27-28, “Power In the Blood.”
All the goats, sheep, doves or anything they scarified weren’t good enough. They had to keep sacrificing to cover their sins.
Jesus’ blood was shed on the cross once for the atonement for our sins. Jesus’ blood has the power to redeem. Jesus’ blood can free us from eternity in hell and separate from him in his heavenly glory.
Louise Johnson sang “Without Him.”

I love the story about the homesick son who wanted to buy his mom the perfect gift. He searched through every store but nothing struck a chord until he walked into a pet shop and found a parrot that spoke five languages. He immediately paid big bucks for the bird and shipped it home to his mother. A few days later he called and asked her how she liked the parrot. His mom responded, “It was delicious.”
The son was sad that his mom had eaten a bird that spoke all those languages. Her response: “Well, why didn’t it say something?”

I can’t help but laugh when I think of the story I heard long ago about the young preacher’s visit with an elderly widow who, upset about losing her dentures, needed to be consoled.
The preacher sat on the sofa and nibbled from a dish of peanuts on the end table while he tried to cheer her with the latest news about her church friends. Before long he realized he had made a real pig of himself and apologized to the woman for having eaten every last one of her peanuts.