Bar Snacks #1: Gouda Moon Cheese

Let’s be honest, after two months, I had a solid break-up letter planned with a very airtight excuse. But I couldn’t do it. I had to announce to all three of you my graduation from law school, my fervent preparation for my weight lifting meet, and perhaps the most exciting news of all, the validation that comes with the newfound knowledge that I, the limbs, the entity, the contradiction, am employable. And as of yesterday, employed! As an attorney! Yes, me! This one!

Yes, in the midst of pulling on my TBD undergarments and chewing through eight hours of real property every day, I am also a brand new lawyer, working my dream job and learning a million new things. So how could I abandon you when there are so many new things to smuggle into the law school library and stress-eat? My days are occupied down to the minute and I could not be happier. My cortisol levels are licking up the schedule like it’s on fire every day of the week. I feel like this is what I needed, this complete dearth of idle time on my hands. Waking up early to study in the summer is a whole other breed. I’m suddenly transported to a time, place, and playlist of a decade ago, tooling around in my Honda Civic listening to the same music I did when I was 16 at 7AM when there are barely any cars on the road, squinting at every stop sign, mouthing the words to things I thought I’d long forgotten. It’s a familiar, lonely platitude. I’m getting back into my solitude and I like it more than I realized.Moon Cheese is on the docket. Do you have $600,000 lying around? You probably don’t. I didn’t structure this website for people who do. And if you do, that shit’s about as liquid as the wrong end of the Bristol stool scale. I am inside of your bank account and GI system. Point being, Moon Cheese is as close as you or I will ever get to the moon, which is okay. And you can’t get to the moon at Marshall’s, but you can now purchase Moon Cheese there, which is exactly what I did after anxiously waiting for its price to drop on Amazon, which never occurred. Moon Cheese, beloved by keto cultists and ex-Cheeto evangelists are intense in flavor and exceptionally crispy.

I liked Moon Cheese for the same reasons I hate Cheez-Its, loved 3-D Doritos, and tolerate Styrofoam– the texture. Cheese is great, crunchy, exploded cheese is even better. There’s no pleasure in flat cheese. There’s no gustatory salvation in eating something like a living, breathing dot-matrix printer with taste buds. These are great asteroids of dairy and salt, minus the liquid and whey that bloats and angers your digestive system. Take it where cheese cannot go, and expand the reach of your own personal concepts of conflated curds. Summer is here. The moon is ours for the taking.