Sunday, July 3, 2005

Niki, as per the usual, was way late in meeting up with me last night so we could go milk the open bar at Misshapes. Waiting for her to show up at my house, I started getting drunk, drinking vodka tonics while watching Adams Family Values on TBS with my roommates. I am looking at that vodka bottle which was about half full when I started drinking last night, and now is basically empty and realizing how drunk I was, even though I knew this, did not need the evidence of the bottle - but it makes it that much more striking for some reason.

First we were supposed to attend Adam's party by my house and because Niki seemed like she was never going to show up and because I also wanted someone to talk to at the party, nervous that Niki would ditch me to talk to Adam's friends once we were there, I invited Paul and roommates to come. Paul and about nine other people met me at my house to go to this party and this entertained me so much, the number of random people that would be at Adam's most likely staid party. We pretty much doubled the size of their party once we had got there, all hung out together, and I drank lots of rum. I had so much fun last night with this crowd of people. I love meeting new people and so it was so exciting to get to talk to Paul's new roommates. I also maybe sort of had an outrageous crush on one of his roommates.

Apparently Niki was not having fun at the party she had wanted to go to. Shockingly enough, going to a party at your ex-boyfriend's might not be the best way to spend a Saturday night, or any night. Niki yelled at me after we had left because she had kept wanting to leave, which I hadn't noticed because I was so in love with these new people and with talking to them. There were little single shot bottle of booze out with the alcohol and we were such bad party guests because Niki, Nick, and I all took some. I took an empty one and made myself a martini in a bottle for the subway ride to Misshapes. Niki and I said bye to everyone and walked toward the subway before I decided (wisely) that I didn't really want to go into Manhattan, and that Niki should go to Alligator Lounge to meet Ramsey. Uh yeah, I was insanely drunk and probably a little horrible to Niki last night. I parted ways with her at Alligator telling her I was tired and going home, but really, Metropolitan was right there on my way home and I thought I could just stop in.

I ended up pouring my martini in a bottle in someone's empty glass and talking to (drumroll please because this right here is the first mention in this diary of this boy, this boy who I am totally smitten with, and who I want to fall madly in love with, so get excited, basically, da da da...) Josh. I went to bum a cigarette from him shortly after getting there and pretty much stayed there and talked to him and his friend, and later Paul, and even later Niki all night, or at least until Josh and his friend left. Really even though I was sitting in such close proximity to him for so long last night and talking to him, I really this morning after cannot say that I know very much about him. Some people just radiate something and you can see what type of person they are in the way they smile, the ease with which they do. His facial expressions remind me so much of Sean Desjardin's and so for that reason, I imagined, I imagine that there is something similar triggering those facial expressions. Sometimes I think that these really singular habits are only made singular by their doubling, by the second appearance of them. These things so unique to Sean, a way of looking and smiling, I wasn't able to tag as this specific thing until I saw them again last night reappearing in Josh's smiles.

And yes, Josh is skinny, has brown hair, brown eyes, and a big nose. Just like every other boy I obsess over. All I know is that he is this nice filmmaker boy and he asked me what I do, and okay, yes, the other day, I claimed that I don't lie about this when asked, but some people lose interest after you tell them and I think timing is everything most of the time and normally the question is just asked and then other things are talked about, like the answer doesn't really matter and so I answered "kind of unemployed" not wanting to in any way scare this boy I really liked, but this of course was when Niki was there, when she had rejoined me but not before yelling at me for making her stay at that party, for not going to Misshapes, then for claiming I was going to bed only to run away to Metropolitan, and basically for all the wrongs of all the world. And Niki, never a fan of timing or tactfulness told him, Josh, to dig deeper. And so I told him and he didn't seem disturbed but man, I was really wishing I had not answered my phone ten minutes earlier when Niki was calling, that she wouldn't have been sitting there had I not.

God, what am I talking about? Sometimes I just babble and really there is no arc to this other than that arc of so many of my nights: sobriety, then drunkenness sparking interest in a boy or boys, talking to them, getting giddy, going home alone and falling asleep drunk with high hopes. And that is how this is going to resolve itself because really I am not sure I am saying anything, am still mildly out of it, and eventually Josh and his friend left and even though Josh lives in the neighborhood, I have never seen him before, he said he rarely comes to Metropolitan and so I don't have the hopes that I normally have that I would/could just run into this person again soon, and so yes, I am thinking of perhaps writing him an email since he said his website address last night. But I would not know what to say to him, or really to any boy I liked but didn't know but wanted to, in an email. I mean there is really not much social risk to it since I have never seen this boy before and probably will not run into him again, so there's nothing really to lose, except, of course, some pride - which I have never had very much of to begin with.