NBA Picks And Parlays: Spreads & Betting Tips For Week 1

Connor Hazelton

Getty Images

Betting on the NBA is the height of stupidity, especially when it’s the beginning of the season and you don’t know a goddamn thing about any of the teams, but all of us degenerates do it anyways because quitters never win. Now as confident as I feel with my weekly football picks, these basketball picks are going to be an absolute train wreck; it would be nuts if I went close to .500 this year. So for all those who want to laugh at my pain and go against all my picks on the season, sit back, enjoy the ride, and let’s get going with tonight’s slate of games.

Cavaliers -2.5 @ Raptors

Getty Images

I feel like this may be a sucker’s bet, but whatever. The Cavs are far and away the best team in the East, and I think that they should win this game pretty handily. My guess is that this is Lebron’s last run as an MVP, so I don’t think they’ll start taking nights off until we get a few weeks into the season. Toronto is definitely not a team to underestimate, but I think King James (dumb ass nickname) and company will take care of business tonight. I’d also like to give a shout out to the Raptors for having one the best jerseys in the history of sports, so you at least have that to be proud of while Cleveland is pounding your faces in this season.

Pacers -6.5 @ Nets: Lock of the Week

Getty Images

I love Paul George, Myles Turner is on my fantasy team, the Pacers Hickory throwback jerseys are my arguably the coolest things I’ve ever seen, and oh yeah, the Nets suck ass and are the worst team ever assembled. I also hate the Nets because they thought they were hot shit moving from New Jersey to Brooklyn, and their stupid Russian owner thought he was going to come to America and sign all the big name free agents back in 2010. Piss off, dude and find another country to take your lack of ownership skills to. I’ll be going against the Nets a lot this year, if you couldn’t tell.

Suns +9.5 @ Thunder

Getty Images

Another game I don’t feel great about because I never feel great about betting on the NBA, but I do it anyways because I’m a moron, but I think this is one of those weird games where the Suns can pull off an upset or at least cover. I’m still stupid enough to think that the Suns are a high scoring team like they were with Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire, so that’s my thought process on this pick, feel free to pick against me. I’d also like to point out that I was an early passenger on the Russell Westbrook train, so I’m going to need a lot of you bandwagoners to get off and go find someone else to root for.

Lakers +8.5 @ Jazz

Getty Images

I think the Lakers may surprise some people this year. Kobe is one of my all-time favorites, but he took a hundred shots a game, was a huge asshole, and probably wasn’t that fun to play with. This Lakers team is super young and I think they’ll end up playing well together. Granted they won’t make the playoffs this year, but I think they’re going to be in a lot of close games. I also hate the Jazz, and I have no rhyme or reason behind that feeling. Nice championships in the ’90s, Karl Malone and John Stockton, losers.

Mavericks vs. Rockets UNDER 221

Getty Images

Both of these teams play no defense whatsoever, so there’s a 98% chance this one goes over, but when everyone else zigs I zag. I’m banking on a bad shooting night from the floor from both teams and MVP candidate James Harden maybe trying to play some defense… who am I kidding I could maybe get a bucket on him, plus he’s probably going to go for 50. Whatever, I’m sticking with the under.

Love having the NBA back, nothing like throwing down some money on a meaningless Tuesday night Pelicans – Kings game in mid-January. As always, I feel terrible about all of these picks, but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take… or some inspirational shit like that. Saddle up ladies and gents, because we are in for a long season. Let’s go.