All Things Rad: Stop that man! He’s packin’ electrolytes

Here’s an almost entirely accurate exchange I had at the airport a few weeks ago.

Security guard: Sir, are you a terrorist?

Me: What? No. I just haven’t shaved.

Security guard: What are your plans for this? (He’s holding up a half-finished Gatorade.)

Me: Oh, sorry, I forgot about that.

Security guard: What are your plans with it?

Me: Quench my thirst? (Yes, I said it like there was a question mark on the end.)

Security guard: (Frowning) You can’t have this. (He throws it away.)

I think someone decided they needed to sell more $3 bottles of water. After all, security didn’t take my hand sanitizer, which on the back says “very flammable” and “not for terrorists.”

They also permitted other liquids, such as Listerine, so long as it was kept inside a Ziploc bag.

And all this happened while the terror-alert level was at, gasp, orange. Which, as you know, is a color.

But it doesn’t tell you what orange means in alert levels we can understand, which should range from something like “no reason to fear” to “no reason to be embarrassed about crapping yourself.”

I guess I can’t complain about having 8 ounces of red Gatorade go to waste for safety’s sake, but can they limit people who annoy me on planes? Like carry-on people. These are the types who somehow got their luggage to be called “carry-on” even though it appears to contain at least one human body or all the equipment for an NFL team.

Though we all like to complain about airplane annoyances, as long as the plane lands on a runway instead of, say, the ocean, I’m feeling free to fly.

Kevin Haas wants you to note the careful product placement of “Ziploc” and “Gatorade” in this column. He can be reached at khaas@rrstar.com.