Can Your Sexual Attraction to Someone Be Too Strong?

What makes a person sexually attracted to another will likely remain a mystery forever. I have studied psychology for 25 years, and neither my doctorate nor my years of experience working with clients has sufficiently answered the question.

What makes you sexually attracted to another person? While we have theories, we don't entirely know. We can infer that the object of one's sexual attraction is stirred by a mix of biology and past experiences, but that somehow doesn't feel sufficient. Studies of pheromones, too, don't explain it.

But when it comes to attraction, is it possible that a person can be too sexually attracted to another person? The answer, in short, is yes.

While I learned a lot from my undergraduate and graduate psychology training, I learned even more from my clients. But the person who taught me the most about human motivations and behaviors? My own therapist, who provided psychoanalytic therapy to me for over five years in my 20s. One nugget of wisdom he gave me when I was 25: "When you feel extremely sexually attracted to someone in the very beginning, walk the other way." Of course, he had to spend a few more sessions drilling that concept down, because, at first, it made absolutely no sense to me. Now, I understand.

You can be too sexually attracted to someone. You can meet someone who unleashes the most elaborate sexual desire, but that person is probably not someone you should pursue, because the intensity of your sexual feelings likely comes from a primitive — and dysfunctional — set of feelings and beliefs. Most important, meeting someone and feeling too sexually attracted often indicates underlying idealization. Sexual attraction that is too intense from the very start often indicates a distorted belief that this new person will provide a sense of emotional completion, fulfilling long-simmering emotional needs that have previously gone unmet.

People who feel extreme, I-need-to-have-them-now sexual attraction often have a history of psychological trauma or neglect.

What is psychological trauma? It could be a specific incident — a horrific incident with a family member or stranger. Or it could be an ongoing pattern of extreme dysfunction — for instance, a parent, peer, or another adult luring you into an ongoing relationship that is unhealthy or even physically or emotionally dangerous. Neglect is more straightforward — a parent or caregiver who isn't there when you need them and who doesn't make you feel like your thoughts and feelings are noticed or important.

Based on my anecdotal experience of seeing hundreds of clients, I can say with assurance that someone who feels extremely sexually attracted to a new person should be very careful, especially if they have experienced neglect or psychological trauma in their past. These individuals have gone without for so long that they may have started to develop a fantasy life, imagining someone "out there" who could rescue them or take away the emotional hurts they've suffered in the past.

People who feel extreme sexual attraction also often have addictive tendencies.

Intense sexual attraction can be so intense that the new person serves as a sort of drug or stimulant, and it is typically impossible to reach a sense of true satiation when such feelings get triggered. In other words, it never feels like enough. Men and women who struggle with addictive tendencies must be careful to see that these tendencies also extend to the way we seek out and relate to romantic partners in the beginning.

What's the ultimate goal in finding a romantic partner?

The real goal in relationships is to find someone who quenches your sexual and emotional desires on a consistent basis. Sure, sexual attraction changes over the course of a long-term relationship, but relationships that are successful include two people who feel that their partner is emotionally available. When you feel attraction that is too intense, it often means that you are responding to the sense that you need to consume that person entirely now, because they may slip through your fingers at a moment's notice.

If you have addictive tendencies or have any kind of psychological trauma or neglect in your history, beware sexual attraction that is extremely intense in the beginning. Go back to the basics, and focus on finding a person who is consistent and reliable, and who shares similar values to yours. Remember, every step you take away from someone who isn't good for you brings you one step closer to someone who is.

You are looking for in a relationship....or you may not even want a long term one.

If one is not looking for a long term commitment and wants to have some fun, I say pursue the sexual attractions. If said sexual engagement causes no harm - why not?

I am 58 years old. In my 20's, as a single person, I engaged in this behavior for a bit - and I had great times. I didn't want the consistent and reliable long term relationship - I provided that for myself. My career had me moving every couple of years around the globe, so the romantic relationships I did experience were relatively short lived but, wow - were they a ton of fun. Romance in exotic places, overseas, with strong sexual attraction worked well for me during those years.

I think that you are missing the point that people with a unstable psychological background should be careful when they feel too attracted to someone. Because that might come from idealisation and lead to attachment that is hard to handle.

Seth, this is a topic I've always found particularly fascination. There is lust in all its roaring intensity, and then there is a certain misty romantic affection. But then there's this instantaneous seizing of one's mind, a kind of needy romantic desperation, almost. A magical yet disturbing kind of sensation. Cupid's arrow.

So I think what we're talking about at present is that third kind of erotic sensation. I don't believe there is any sort of underlying pathology, at least not in the modern sense, to it, as one can observe it in many types of people throughout history (with regard to fiction, diaries, letters, etc.). It's more of a reaction than it is a condition. I would advise people to follow it, but with caution. You might find out a lot about yourself. Embrace it, and beware it at the same time.

From all the available literature on the subject – including modern neuroscience, Plato, Schopenhauer, Shakespeare, etc. – the two best theories, in my view, belong to Freud and Jung. Freud would link this sensation of romantic desperation, of erotic eruption, to one's past, i.e. the effects of transference, namely one's childhood experiences, and the unconscious promise of redemption, of making things turn out right this time, which I believe you briefly touched on above.

Jung took a more spiritual view of things: such feeling-sensations arise from the projection of personal contents, i.e. repressed or neglected aspects of your own personality, on to another person. Thus, the beloved seems to 'complete' you; she/he becomes an externalized part of your own personality. Jung called this the 'subjective side' of the transference; he taught that when this occurs, people need to recognize that these are qualities which they need to develop in themselves. Upon realizing this, the projection is 'dissolved'.

However, part of this projection may contain what he referred to as 'collective', or 'impersonal' or 'archetypal', contents, i.e. qualities which belong to human nature in general. When this occurs, the beloved seems like a god or goddess. Owing to the impersonal and powerful nature of these contents, they produce a kind of mythological hue when projected: imagine that you regard another human being the way a religious person regards a valued figure of their faith, and you can then imagine the kind of trouble you'd be in. In the lover's eyes, the beloved becomes possessed by a supernatural deity, so to speak, or is else viewed as a kind of immortal, archetypal figure: as the mythical King or Queen, the Hero or Heroine, the White Knight or Damsel-In-Distress, or perhaps the mysterious Dark Lover. Unfortunately, nobody can live up to the archetypal image of a god or goddess; nobody can live up to a towering figure of fantasy. And that is precisely what one is in love with when impersonal contents are projected: a figure of fantasy. (Jung's ultimate solution to this problem of the projection of impersonal content involved the generation of symbols and what what he called the technique of 'active imagination' and 'the individuation process', and is far too complex for me to go into here.)

For both Freud and Jung, this intense kind of romantic feeling-sensation was theorized to be the result of projections, psychical illusions. (Freud also associated idealization with the anaclitic choice of object, but that's another topic.) The question then becomes: Why do I feel so strongly – too strongly, as you put it – about this person? It's not about who they are, necessarily, but rather what they represent to you. Maybe they seem to awaken within you your past and seem to dangle redemption in front of your eyes? Maybe they seem to complete you? Or maybe they seem to possess the bewitching magic of an otherworldly deity? (Or any combination of the three.)

This is why they seem so mesmerizingly alluring and enchanting. It's the psychic magic of the unconscious.

-----" I don't believe there is any sort of underlying pathology, at least not in the modern sense, to it, as one can observe it in many types of people throughout history (with regard to fiction, diaries, letters, etc.)."

Marilyn - there might be other posters who are intrigued by the long postings. If you don't have the ability to focus for more than a few seconds to read and learn something interesting - then simple move on without comment.

I'm struggling to understand this point of view, at least because it comes across to me as if it were the only explanation. As for me, it happens out of satisfying innate sexual desires once I really feel attracted to someone. Devoting myself to passion and to that moment that certainly is going to vanish at some point in future, though in my opinion, does not stem from a trauma, but more from satisfying one's libido and a pure hedonistic enjoyment. I see it as a gift, rather than trying to overcome some trauma. I would be very curious to your point of view on that.

I always saw my passion (sexual drive) as a gift too. That robust drive gave me energy to work and have a successful career, live and enjoy life. I worked and enjoyed the company of a few lovers. I knew the sexual relationships in my 20's weren't going to end in marriage ( I did not want that at that point in my life), but I enjoyed what they had to offer at that time and place in my life.

I don't regret a single moment of engaging in that activity - pure passion. I almost feel sorry for people, who might have wanted these experiences but hesitated because of fears that the experience was not going to "end in marriage or a long term relationship that was steady and predictable".

The author of the original piece wrote about a kind of romantic passion which was sensed to have an overly intense colour to it; I linked this to Cupid’s arrow, to that instantaneous seizure of romantic passion. It is hard to draw strict borders between the three basic kinds of erotic feeling-sensations: lust and physical desire, romantic friendship and spiritual connection, and the kind of infatuation and idealization described in the above article. If we can, I’d like to limit my comments to that third group as best as I can.

As I described with the three types of projections (one might call them ‘Cupid’s Arrows’), this kind of romantic passion is produced by means of psychic projections. But are we to deem this ‘pathological’? Of course not! Psychic projection, in the wider sense, is so universal a phenomenon that we’d be judging human nature itself as pathological! People project all the time; they project on to fictional characters, art, religious and secular symbols, friends and lovers, strangers, their pets, nature, etc. It contributes to our subjective perception. It is best to ultimately learn to understand the meaning behind a particular projection, but there are many kinds of experiences involving projection which may be in the end beneficial.

Overly intense romantic passion, to me, indicates that it touches something deep within the individual; consequently, it is a door that must be opened. Such passion can be eye opening; how often does one find that one’s friends or lovers open up different aspects of one’s own personality, that they bring out different sides in us, sides we might not have even known we had until then? But, as expressed by the author, such powerful passion can also be threatening, destructive in a negative sense; let’s not forget the ending to Romeo and Juliet. As a rule, anything that is felt to be powerful and mysterious can go either way; it may lead to an ascent or a descent; the descent may lead to a greater ascent.

Ultimately, does one want to open those doors (and I’m talking about far more than human sexuality and romance here) and step inside, or does one want to avoid the door that’s calling one? As Carl Jung wrote in Modern Man in Search of a Soul, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” That transformation, brought about by an unconscious reaction, will never take place if one never opens the door. The door appeared because it holds a hidden value for you. In that sense, even the most consuming of romantic passions is, as both Sarah and Mary put it, a gift, even if, I should add, it goes painfully unrequited. The fact that one has experienced a profound passion is bound to produce some sort of effect on one; it is itself a powerful experience.

(I apologize for these thick blocks of text; I break it up into several paragraphs, but PT’s comment section isn’t recognizing my formatting.)

Sarah, it seems as though you, Mary, and I are all in harmony on this topic. With regard to feeling, we all assign a positive value to intense romantic passion. With regard to thinking, i.e. how we understand it, you and I might diverge a bit on this; I’m not sure. To me, romantic passion always includes not only a physical passion, one of flesh, but also a psychical passion, one of spirit, i.e. the appeal of the personality. The way Sarah talks about the indulgence of romantic passion is suggestive of Nietzsche’s ‘Dionysian’ state and has an almost religious quality to it: the individual disappears in the moment, is psychically liberated, and becomes part of something much larger than herself/himself, becoming entirely one with the moment. (If so, I know exactly what you’re on about!) Nietzsche wrote in The Birth of Tragedy, “Transform Beethoven’s Ode to Joy into a painting, and give free rein to your imagination [. . .] Now with this gospel of universal harmony, each feels himself not only united, reconciled, merged with his neighbor, but one with him[.]” It’s not just hedonistic pleasure, although it certainly involves a fair amount of that. There is spiritual value in it as well; Jung described the Dionysian state in Psychological Types as “the unleashing of torrent of libido into things”.

Yes, I did experience what you described with one particular person, and I stepped into the breach and went through that door. The experience I will never forget.

I don't see it as pathological either. I see it as a gift. Does that gift come with a sense on contentment and security? Heck no. But being content and secure in my romantic passion was not my goal - going through that door was. It made me grow as a person and the memories are wonderful. In fact, that bond that was developed through the passion still exists today with that particular person - 32 years later. The bond will exist with us for life - forged as it was decades ago. While we aren't together in real life - that passionate experience opened doors for both of us that we stepped through together. "The unleashing of a torrent of libido into things" - love it.

Gloria, Men call for cybersex and phone sex for various reasons. It is usually not owing to a porn addiction, in my experience. (I've done a lot of qualitative research on fetishes and kink.)

There is something in the erotic fantasy that allures them. This is often related to some neglected, undeveloped, or unsatisfied aspect of their sexuality or romantic life, but it may also be therapeutic in the sense that it allows them to make brief contact with an unfulfilled and perhaps locked aspect of their own personality, an aspect which hasn't been adequately nurtured, and it thus contains a kind of spiritual value for them. For example, many men who do cyber/phone sessions centred on the erotic theme of power and femdom are usually accessing a more passive, feminine aspect of their personality, typically a more altruistic and submissive side, which has herein coalesced with unfulfilled erotic sensations and sexual aims; sometimes, the fantasy could reach far deeper into the psyche and even contain collective values and themes. The erotic fantasy – pursued within cybersex, in this case – could contain components of both. (Phone sex, being auditory, could also indicate an underlying auditory eroticism, pleasure in sound, but one shouldn't attach to much importance to this except for in rare cases.)

Erotic fantasies can be explored just like any other fantasy, and they usually contain great personal value and meaning for the individual. Fantasies, neglected aspects of the self, and sexual kinks are not in themselves indicative of an underlying pathology.

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OK doctor, but does "intense" mean "transfixed and immobilized by their perceived charms" or does it mean any feeling that goes beyond the most detached, intellectualized assessment of their attractiveness? How do we know when our feeling of attraction belongs in the problematic category?

I most definitely am not an addict and have been involved in wonderfully loving, romantic relatioships in my life.

That said i was with someone off and on for 15yrs and the sexual attraction and intensity was out of this world, transcendental, totally uninhibited, but that is all it was. Our sexual attraction was was pure and we both knew we were not meant to be in a romantic relationship.

I think there is a strong cultural bias to your theory.
You should not run from such an attraction. Embrace it. Go with it. It truly is a transcendental experience that takes you to a deeper level of self-awareness and understanding of the nuances of human relationships.
What you should never do is shove it in a conventional box and say oh just because we have such an explosive sexual attraction, we should force ourselves into a romantic relationship. The greatest injustice.
I am absolutely grateful to have experienced such a volcanic sexual attraction!! No regrets!!! No addictions! No trauma!! Just allowing the human experience.
Your advice to run from it is awful!!!!