Posts Tagged ‘Motherhood’

Last week, I was showered with love and fuzzy feelings as I celebrated my second Mother’s Day. Motherhood has brought me so many incredible moments but I have to admit that I am still struggling with some of the physical aftereffects of carrying Caleb.

Thanks to Whole 30, I’m below my pre-baby weight, however parts of my body just aren’t the same as before. One of the biggest insecurities had to do my how poorly my bras fit post-baby. After breastfeeding, my girls just weren’t themselves anymore.

This is my first Mother’s Day as a mom (yay) and the ninth time that I am marking this occasion without my Katy. In the days leading up to today, I have spent a lot of time thinking about my mom.

What was her first Mother’s Day like? What did my Dad get her? How did she feel?

Among all of the thoughts was this story that she often told us about Mother’s Day growing up. Every year, her church would ask people upon entry if their mother has passed or if their mother was still alive. Based on your answer, they would give you either a red carnation (alive) or a white one (deceased). My maternal grandmother passed away when my mom was young, so she would get a white flower. And, while the flower was no doubt beautiful, it made her sad. She wanted that red flower. As an adult and as our mom, that painful memory always stuck with her.

And, now, it sticks with me.

Can you imagine? Mother’s Day is filled with so many triggers for those who have lost a loved one. Her carnation story has always filled me with such sadness but that isn’t what I want to think about today. So, I decided to buy myself a bouquet of yellow flowers. That was my mother’s favorite color and one that makes me think of her fondly. When I look down at my flowers today, I will feel happy as I reflect on the good times shared and not of the years lost.

No shade to white carnations, but I don’t want to see you. Not today. Not next Mother’s Day or the ones after that.

As I shared last week, I returned to work after almost three months on maternity leave. I am still settling into my new routine and lowkey struggling because it isn’t as easy of a transition as I hoped that it would be. Two things that I have discovered about myself during this past week? I hate rushing now and I am slowly starting to love motherhood.

Slowly.

I love being Caleb’s mom, but I haven’t been as open about “motherhood.” It may seem strange to some people but there is a difference. Trust me. It has been hard to embrace certain elements like the sacrificial nature of this whole thing or the fact that the definition of “success” as a mom is pretty ambiguous. Being back at work has reminded me just how much I love SMART goals and having a clear picture of—and path to — success. Motherhood comes with no such blueprints, but I’m slowly starting to become comfortable with that.

Slowly.

When I get confused or frustrated about what to do next, I remind myself that, quite simply, motherhood is love. Love is an action so as long as I give my heart to Caleb, I have won half of the battle.

Last night while washing bottles, I focused on the wall art above our counter that sums up 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. As I let the words sink into my soul, I started replacing the word “love” with “motherhood” and it began to calm my stressed out spirit.

I won’t always get it right or know it all but as long as I am patient, kind, protectful, trusting, and hopeful, I know that I can’t fail. I can do this. I will survive motherhood because it is love in action and I love my little Caleb with all of my heart.

Happy New Year! I hope that your 2016 is is off to an incredible start.

In 2015, I had a lot of challenging moments, but I also had one incredible one. On December 1st, I was blessed to give birth to a healthy and handsome baby boy named Caleb. He was born with ten toes, twelve fingers (a genetic thing four generations deep), and an incredible head of hair.

My delivery experience was more eventful than my entire pregnancy and it was certainly not what I expected. After all, I spent 40+ weeks waiting for my water to break and for contractions to just begin naturally. That is not what happened. At my 41 week appointment, my doctor noticed that Caleb’s amniotic fluid levels were low and sent me to the hospital that day in order to be induced. Before I left his office, one of the nurses told me that I was probably going to deliver via c-section. I laughed nervously, but clearly she knew what she was talking about.

Eighteen hours after being induced, I hadn’t made much traction on the labor front so the doctors decided that a c-section was the way to go. While I am recounting this story in a calm fashion, my nerves were on edge at the time. My contractions were having a negative impact on Caleb’s heartbeat and I ended up needing to be put on oxygen. Somehow, I managed to keep it together and only shed tears when my doctor was talking me through the c-section procedure. Thankfully, my family was there and surrounded me in prayer before they wheeled me out.

Upon arriving in the operating room, the incredible team prepped me and delivered Caleb in a matter of minutes. Due to his heart rate, they had to get him out of there very quickly. I don’t think that I consciously held my breath, but I don’t remember letting out a sigh of relief (and a sob) until I heard his little cry.

And, like that, motherhood became HELLA real. When I met him for the first time, I just kept thinking how much he looked like me/my mother/my sister/my mother’s side of the family. It is crazy, y’all. But, it was also comforting. Although I know that my mom is always here in spirit, it’s like I have a chance to hug and kiss a little piece of her that heaven sent my way.

So, with those feelings in my heart, it is my mission to be the best person that I can be for his sake. He brings me so much joy and I cannot wait to watch him grow up into a handsome, smart, and God-fearing man.

P.S. Wondering the inspiration behind his name? Check out the scripture under his photo.

“But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it.” – Numbers 14:24