When It Comes To Dating, Do Age Differences Matter?

It is a commonly accepted idea that men prefer the company of younger women, while women prefer men who are older. This is also in keeping with Parental Investment Theory, which maintains that men are attracted to women who advertise signs of fertility — that is, youth. Conversely, women are drawn to older men since they typically have greater resources. Indeed, this phenomenon of men preferring younger mates and vice versa is technically known as the age differential effect, and it has been well-documented. In a classic study of human mating from 1989, David Buss surveyed 37 cultures across 6 continents and found that in every culture in question, men preferred to marry younger women (2.66 years younger on average) and women preferred to marry older men (3.42 years older on average). In addition, Buss collected actual age differences at marriage for 27 of the 37 cultures, and across the board men normally married women who were younger than themselves.

And in a 1993 study that analyzed over 1,000 personal ads, researchers found that women typically sought older men, and men typically sought younger women. Similarly, in a 1994 study using a nationally representative sample of single Americans younger than 35, the results revealed that women were significantly more willing than men to marry someone older by five years; conversely, men were significantly more willing than women to marry someone who was younger by five years. In another study from 2001, researchers asked Dutch men and women between the ages of 20 and 60 about their age preferences for various types of intimate situations, ranging from sexual fantasies to marriage. They, too, found that men predictably preferred younger partners than did women.

Psychologists John M. Kelley and Rebecca A. Malouf of Endicott College wondered if testing the age differential hypothesis using a new source of data might yield more insight into the matter. To this end, they collected all available ratings of blind dates that were published in two well-known American newspaper columns: “Dinner with Cupid” from The Boston Globe and “Date Lab” from The Washington Post. Both newspaper columns advertise for singles who are willing to give a blow-by-blow report of a blind date as well as a numerical rating in exchange for a free dinner at a restaurant.

Those responsible at these respective newspapers make their best effort to make a match, which is based on participants' answers to an online questionnaire. The questionnaires request information about the applicants’ age, height, occupation, marital status, sexual orientation, and race/ethnicity. In addition, applicants provide open-ended answers about their dating history, interests, hobbies, activities, and partner preferences. Other items probe when they are the happiest, what makes them a “good catch,” and what is the first thing visitors notice when they enter into the applicants’ residence. They must also provide three recent photos.

In the final tally, The Washington Post sample included 224 blind dates, and The Boston Globe sample included 123 blind dates. The researchers then analyzed the data. They compared the ratings of the dates when the man was older than the woman with the ratings when the woman was older than the man. (Couples who were the same age were not included in this analysis).

What did they find? For The Washington Post sample, there were significantly more couples in which the man was older as opposed to the woman being older, 133 and 56 pairs, respectively. And although this finding was not statistically significant, the ratings of the dates were opposite to the predicted direction. That is, men gave lower ratings to dates where the man was older. Likewise, women also rated the dates lower when the man was older than the woman.

For The Boston Globe sample, there were also significantly more couples in which the man was older as opposed to the woman being older, 72 and 27 pairs, respectively. And though not statistically significant, the ratings of dates were this time in the predicted direction. In other words, men gave higher ratings to dates where the man was older than the women; women also endorsed a higher rating when the man was older. But overall in this study, there was no support for the age differential effect — age did not influence the ratings of the dates at a statistically significant level.

What can we draw from this finding? The authors offer an interpretation worth pondering: It may that while age seems paramount in the abstract (all things being equal, men desire younger women, and women desire older men), in practice, when two people actually go on a date, the age difference might not have as much importance as other considerations, such as physical attraction and a compatible personality.

Further supporting this interpretation, the authors argue that their study had good “ecological validity.” This means that the experimental conditions of this study were a strong approximation of those in real-life. Apart from the requirement that the participants had to provide a narrative report and a numerical rating of the date, the dates unfolded as they normally would in regular life. By contrast, laboratory-based research tends to rely on confederates (undercover researchers), or asking participants to rate how likely they would be to pursue a date based on a photograph or a hypothetical scenario. According to the investigators, this study has similar ecological validity to speed-dating studies that also involve face-to-face interaction.

But could this finding also reflect shifting sands in the social landscape? Perhaps as women earn more money (i.e., they have their own resources), age matters less. After all, much of the support for the age differential effect was conducted when the gender wage gap was larger. Or perhaps cultural forces, such as lower rates of marriage, are making the generation gap less relevant. As the investigators note, more research is needed. It will be interesting to see what it yields.

More about the Blogger: Vinita Mehta, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Psychologist in Washington, DC, and an expert on relationships, managing anxiety and stress, and building health and resilience. Dr. Mehta provides speaking engagements for your organization and psychotherapy for adults. She has successfully worked with individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, and life transitions, with a growing specialization in recovery from trauma and abuse.

Dr. Mehta is also the author of the forthcoming book Paleo Love: How Our Stone Age Bodies Complicate Modern Relationships.

Growing up in the 60's and 70's and into adulthood in the 80's I, like many of my contemporaries, would aim for women to date who were either the same age or a little younger. We often felt that older women (even if by on a year or two) was a bit of a taboo. This probably stemmed from those artificial (but nonetheless real) boundaries we would not cross that were a left over from school days. The thing is for me and a good number of my male friends, many older women were those who we would look to in terms of our dream dates and fantasies. We probably didn't think that we could take those feeling anywhere though for fear of being out of step with societal norms and the prospect of having any chance of hooking up dashed because we were considered too junior and "not cool". These days, however, the older woman/younger guy combo are everywhere to be seen. I think attitudes have changed and more women are perhaps freer to really express what they want and who they want it with.

It is important to distinguish between mate preference and mate choice. Ideal mates can be quite different to actual choices that people make. A guy could want to date Angelina Jolie and a woman might want Brad Pitt, but they have to settle for someone else. This largely depends on your own attributes. If you are a desirable mate, than you have more choice, if you are not so desirable, you might need to compromise. This apply to age difference as well. Man state that they would like to date someone young, but in reality the young might not want them. As men get older, they seek younger and younger women (i.e. the age difference is getting larger), but their chances of dating a very young girl are small. Conversely, women age preferences are more stable and the age difference remain approximately the same all the time. Moreover, when they reach their 30's, women are willing to date younger guys because the biological clock is ticking for them, more than for men.

"It is a commonly accepted idea that men prefer the company of younger women." Actually, I think it is commonly accepted that they are attracted to younger women. But, spending time with someone -- and enjoying that time -- is a different proposition from attraction, which is more about procreation, I think.

I guess one thing not considered in this study is that we tend to rate things higher than they normally will be when we go in with lower expectations. As per the numerous studies listed in the article, men prefer younger women and women prefer elder men. So when they go on a date when the scenario is undesirable, i.e. older woman with younger man, they go in with much lesser expectations. In this case, all that these 2 need to do is not to make wrong move and they might end up scoring higher points than someone going on a date in a desired scenario and doing precisely the same things. When they go on date in the undesired scenario, the expectations are much lower so probability of getting impressed is much higher. When the scenario is the desired one, then expectations are higher so both the characters have to sweat much more in order to impress one another.

When the aims of the research are to investigate age as a factor in relationships, then the design of the research is going to be biased because it is looking at age as a main factor in the development of relationships.
Recently my son married a lady who is 9 years older than he is. She is now 40 and he is 31... they recently had a lovely baby boy.
They got married last year, and they are very compatible and happy together. Age was not a factor in their relationship. Common interests and personality were far more important factors in the development of their relationship.
So, why do researchers still insist on generating bogus evolutionary theories about male and female mate selection based on age? The research evidence by Buss is not based on real life relationships, it is only looking at classified adverts, where people do not necessarily actually form lasting real life relationships.
Renee Barclay, Associate Lecturer in Psychology, Open University

I don't mean to sound rude if I've misunderstood your comment, but I'm pretty sure the article summarised with saying that the study found age was not an important factor in practice. Your comment reads as though you are arguing against a different finding, although I do apologise if I'm interpreting it wrong here.

It's possible that the more studies like this that come out showing results not in support of the age being all-important in mate selection, the more researchers might start to let the idea go. Like you, I also feel based on personal experience or observation that age doesn't matter so much, so I'd be quite pleased if this change eventually takes place.

Let me set up the situation. I'm a 55 year old African American female, I have a bachelor's and a Master's degrees in English, divorced (1987)and raised three children (girl, boy, girl) as a single parent. My focus for over two decades was raising and providing for my children, since their father was pretty much unable (drug addict) to do either. I was successful; my kids are now grown, college educated and pursuing their careers. I met Eduardo (not his real name) when we were both employed at the same community college. He had a fantastic, razor sharp wit that kept me laughing when we worked together in the college's writing center. I liked being around him, but I didn't think he was much more than a colleague.

We went on a supposedly platonic outing to the movies one night, and that's when I realized I was in trouble. The attraction was undeniable, but horrifying nonetheless. "He's 20 years younger than you," I told myself. "And not much older than your first child!"

When my children discovered that he was in their age group ("MOM! Seriously?"), they were united in vehement opposition to our relationship. His mother, who is a very traditional Mexican woman who married an American of Scottish ancestry (Eduardo is their only child), wants him to marry a beautiful Latina who will give her at least two grandchildren. However, she's willing to settle for an attractive blonde White woman who is sufficiently fertile if he doesn't find a Latina to his liking. She does not like African Americans of any social/economic class, which Eduardo has told me is a common sentiment among many first generation Mexican immigrants. Obviously, this is very problematic. I'm not only the wrong race for her son, but I'm too old and I've been surgically removed from bearing anymore children.

Except for the recurring periods in which I refuse to see or talk to him in hopes he will start seeing more age and race appropriate women, we've been dating on and off for over seven years now. I have no idea why, especially since I'm really negative about the institution of marriage. (My belief is that dating either leads to marriage or separation. Why bother otherwise?) He's never been married, so he has no idea how difficult it could be to deal with someone on a day to day basis. Yet, he won't leave me alone. I tell him that's it; I'm done. Don't call me again. He waits about 3-6 months before calling me again. And I'm dumb enough to pick up the phone.

Age does matter. I can't give him children, and more than likely, I will die before he does. What kind of future could we possibly have together? He always tells me, "Just stay in today. That's all we have, so let's make it a good day." In some respects, he's absolutely right. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn't promised. But for today, should we risk becoming estranged from our loved ones for a relationship that has, at best, a good 15-20 year shelf life before he has to start looking into an assisted living home for me? The thought is repugnant and deplorable to me.

After viewing my own situation through very logical lens, I think the older man/younger woman scenario makes perfect sense. With a younger woman, Eduardo could at least the opportunity to have a wife who will grow old with him, and they could have children who could care for them in their senior years. He would have none of that with me. And the thought of him helping me walk or changing my adult diapers is more than I can tolerate. Yes, I have a lot of pride; I know this. As I've told him, I prefer to have the dignity of becoming old (if it comes to that) without undue embarrassment.

I don't agree with you, your pride prevents you of having 15-20 years of happiness, joy together and don't forget the the benefits of physical intimacy.

Here is my story:

I am a man of 42 years and got me 5 years ago a new appartement. Next to me lives a widow of then 63 years, of African American descent. Starting from the first meeting there was that special feeling between her and me. The more we visited each other, the stronger that feeling grew.
She was alone and I was alone and it was, as saying, that a hug soon was followed by a kiss and a kiss was a step to physical intimacy. And that intimacy liked us both that well that we were more nights together than just slept alone.
The differences of age, descent, even her heavy weight ( I have an athletic body) could not affect the joy of our intimacy. To be honest, she knows how to arrouse me with her big, round body.
We were together so much that we have decided that i move in with her 3 years ago.
Her only daughter had objections at first but now she sees how fine her mother and I have with each other she has peace with it.
We're still a happy couple together and I hope to grew very old with her. If needed I nurse her because that is what she deserve for what she's giving me in these years!

Thank you for your thoughtful and generous reply; I really enjoyed reading your story. You are not the first person to tell me about my pride issue. Several of my friends have told me the same thing, many times over the years. My 36 year old friend has, too. I don't learn these things very easily. Right now, we have decided to part ways. We've done this many times over the past seven years, but this time it feels permanent. Maybe it's for the best. Who knows, maybe I'm opening the door for someone else, and so is he. I'm very sad, but not angry. I hope I will remember what I have learned about myself from being with him, and I will be a much better partner for the next man. I wish you and lady many years of bliss!

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