If you see a kid having a public temper tantrum and want to either blame the parents or blame the people who hate the parents, maybe you don’t understand temper tantrums. Pete Beisner offers advice.

Lately I have noticed a lot of chatter going on about public tantrums. There seems to two schools of thoughts: “Those parents need to learn how to control their kids” and “Leave the poor parents alone. They are probably doing the best that they can.”

But those two schools of thought leave out two very important things. The first is that some people have a physical condition that makes the sound of a screaming toddler literally painful. And the second is that many people do not understand tantrums.

If you find the sound of a toddler screaming or a baby crying intensely upsetting, you may be one of millions of people who has a processing problem and is very sensitive to sound. Shrill sounds, in particular, are painful to be around.

You should just expect screaming any place where children are allowed. It is like poop in diapers: Not fun, but it comes with the territory.

The sound of a child screaming is supposed to be distressing. But for people who are very sound sensitive it is torture. I have known people who are tempted by the sound of a screaming child to beat their own heads against a wall just to distract themselves from the sound. What I find interesting about this kind of sound sensitivity is that it increases with age even though overall hearing declines.

If you are sound-sensitive and you find yourself becoming intensely emotional in response to a child’s relentless screaming this does not make you a bad person. Your painful response to sound is no more your fault than something like ADHD or dyslexia would be.

However, the rules for public spaces should not be designed around us. You should just expect screaming any place where children are allowed. It is like poop in diapers: Not fun, but it comes with the territory.

Rather than blaming parents or children, I recommend using adaptive technology. Multiple pairs of good quality earplugs are practically a medical necessity. I carry a couple different pairs in a pill case attached to my key ring. I use a lightweight pair if I just need to cut the sound, like when I am in church. I use a thicker set if I need to not hear a baby. But by far the best adaptive technology is a good pair of ear buds and a “sounds of nature” application on your phone. I can put on my Bose ear buds and a recording of waves on a pebbly beach, and actually enjoy reading a book during a cross-country flight filled with screaming toddlers.

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Now that we have covered why a few people are distressed by other people’s tantrums, we need to talk about why it pisses off the rest of you. You assume that only bad parents who cannot control their children or rude people who don’t give a crap about people around them would allow such an infernal noise to continue.

I understand where you are coming from. I would feel the same way if I hadn’t attended some parenting classes. I insisted on them when my wife and I got engaged. I really wanted to be a good father, and I knew enough to know that I had no idea what I was doing when it came to raising kids. These classes did not make me an expert. But they gave me a working understanding that helped me be a good dad.

By far, the most important and valuable thing that I learned in those classes was what tantrums are. Once I understood them, dealing with them became much easier. Again, I am not a child-development expert. I am an engineer. And thinking about tantrums this way got me through a lot of tough years of parenting:

Tantrums are not a bug. They aren’t even an ordinary feature. They are a safety feature and you should never, ever disable a safety feature.

1) There are actually two kinds of tantrums: a shake-down and a melt-down.

2) A minority of tantrums are shake-down. It is a negotiation strategy. Unfortunately, little kids don’t have a great sense of proportion, so they tend to start every negotiation by taking hostages. “I have your schedule, your sanity and your self-worth as a parent. If you want to be on time, get done what you planned and look at me without feeling guilty, you will give me that cookie NOW!”

3) Kids don’t have a lot of power, so they enter every negotiation at a disadvantage. The one thing that they can bring to the table is “I will scream down the rafters.” A kid who is taught other ways of negotiating will be less inclined to use the nuclear option.

4) The best response to a shake-down tantrum is to call the child’s bluff. This is relatively easy to do in private, but harder to do in public because of people who try to shame parents into silencing their children.

5) When you say nasty things or glare at a parent while a child is having a shake-down tantrum, you are giving that kid more ammunition to use against the parent next time that they are in public. If you make a parent more uncomfortable letting a child scream, you are actually increasing the power a tantrum has thereby increasing the likelihood it will be employed. On behalf of those of us who do not enjoy shopping to the accompanying strains of “Screams of Rage in B Flat” I beg you, please do not harass the parents.

6) The majority of tantrums, even many that look like a shake-down, are actually a melt-down. Do not presume to know what is going on with another person’s child.

7) Tantrums are not a bug. They aren’t even an ordinary feature. They are a safety feature and you should never, ever disable a safety feature.

8) Tantrums are designed to be annoying or downright distressing. They are like smoke detectors. They are supposed to make you emotionally agitated. Safety features don’t work if they don’t strongly encourage people to change behavior.

9) Tantrums are designed to alert parents and other caregivers that a child has reached a melt-down state. Usually, these melt-downs occur when the ability to process stimulus is exceeded by incoming stimuli. It is a deceptively simple formula because often we forget how much stimulus even normal environmental situations contain for young children.

10) Young brains are prone to melt-downs because they are very busy trying to figure out how the world works. To learn about the world, they are wired to be very sensitive to the stimulus, but they do not have a corresponding increased capacity to process and deal with the stimulus.

To put it another way, they are running their little engines at maximum RPM all the time, but they have a very persnickety water pump.

11) Young children lack fundamental information and concepts necessary for processing all of the incoming data. To put it another way, being a toddler is like being dropped into a different foreign country every day. Everyone is speaking in a language that you don’t know, and they make you go places and do things that you don’t understand and that you cannot anticipate. You have no idea which colors, objects, and unfamiliar sounds are unimportant and which ones are required to keep you alive. Every day, you are doing very fast pattern-matching, trying to figure out what everything means. And some days, there is just so much stimulus to pattern-match that the wheels just come off your wagon.

12) Even shake-down tantrums are often rooted in this fundamental lack of understanding about how they world works. For example: a toddler may recognize a box in a store and remember that when their dad fills their bowl with stuff from that box, they really like it. So they may demand that the parent buy that particular box of cereal, and then launch into a full-scale tantrum when the parent says no. But they may not understand one or more of the following things:

That stores restock their shelves regularly. They may think that all of the Sugar Smacks in all of the world sit on that shelf and that if you do not buy it, they will never again get to taste Sugar Smacks.

They may not understand that when you say “No” today, this does not indicate a sweeping policy change for all future cereal acquisition.

Their concept of time is Now and a Long, Long, Long time from now. So saying “We will get that the next time” is like your partner saying, “Not tonight dear, but we will definitely have sex eight years, six months and twenty-two days from now.

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Let me bottom line this for those of you who do not have an issue with sound-sensitivity but hate to hear children screaming:

The world does not revolve around you. Other people have needs too. And young children, for a variety of reasons, need to throw tantrums. And parents of young children need to allow those tantrums to happen and not whisk them away every time that they start to scream.

You are an adult. You likely have more time than a parent does, so if you cannot stand to be in a store where a kid is screaming, then leave, and come back another time. And if all else fails, earplugs are cheap. Use them.

If you are just being judgmental: I think we all should listen to what you have to say about parenting and do exactly as you recommend – right after you turn the water into wine. Actually, make it a nice hard cider. I am really into those right now.

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Okay…I’m a behavior analyst who works in early intervention; behavior modification and such. I’m not going to spew jargon at you but I do have 2 points I’d like to make: 1) author is fair and rational in his analysis and points…there are a myriad of reasons a child may melt-down. Neither the child nor the parent/s enjoy those moments. 2) come ON people! Those of you saying you shouldn’t need to be exposed to crying/screaming/upset children…get a grip. Go live in a cave. Grow up. Do something other than wah-wah-wahing. You live in a society full of other people…of… Read more »

Sorry, but people around screaming children shouldn’t have to wear ear plugs and just deal with the fact that so many parents don’t know how to control their children. It isn’t a matter of black and white when it comes to listening to the screeching: i.e. I either deal with it or I’m a horrible, insensitive human being. No, the onus is on the parent/caretaker to get the situation under control and leave the rest of us in peace. If you choose to have children, then you have a responsibility not only to the child/ren but also to the other… Read more »

If toddlers come into my space and scream off their little mouths in public verbally assaulting my environment then I have every right to light a smoke next to them and pollute theirs. I have no tolerance for a 2 or 6 or 9 or a 35 year old temper tantrums for whatever reason and if they think that such behaviours are unacceptable by the majority of public, you have another thing coming.

Nice! LMAO! While there is lots of advice here what are you supposed to do to help the child/handle the tantrum? To hell with the rude and condescending adults, they must of had model kids!

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My problem with screaming children in general is that MOST parents are either (a) oblivious to the child’s tantrum, (b) yelling just as much as the child, or (c) obviously giving in to the shake-down and encouraging the poor behavior. Any and all public tantrums are not equal, and the poor parents among us are ruining it for the rest of us. Yes, kids will be kids, but that’s no excuse to at least TRY to teach your child manners. My six year old nephews were running all over a hotel this weekend making all kinds of noise at 7am… Read more »

Reminds me of last year when my second grandson was baptized. They’d rented a room at a local club and the room was partitioned with folding doors to other rooms. My older grandson kept going into the other room with his slightly older cousins. The other grandparents attempted to get them to stop. I finally had it and went to the small opening in the door, looked in and yelled “Noah Thomas, get over here right now.” He did, I sat him in his time out chair (which I established when we got to the hall) and there he sat,… Read more »

Something to keep in mind is that not all children are capable of the same level of self-control, often due to medical issues. My cousin’s daughter was born seventeen weeks premature, and spent sixteen months in the hospital. She is now seven and looks like a typical five-year-old, but has the social and mental capacity of a toddler. She has some hearing loss, and often isn’t able to follow basic instructions. From twenty feet away, she looks like a healthy, misbehaving kindergartener, and her parents look inept. In short, we all need to remember that there may be factors we… Read more »

I don’t think anyone is saying that there aren’t exceptions. Are we talking about the exceptions or the situations where parents do have the ability to contain the situation? We all know we’ve witnessed situations where the kid is simply being a brat and those are the situations we’re talking about. My kids threw tantrums and my grandkids throw tantrums and I know what they are and why they’re throwing them. It’s for darn sure I didn’t and won’t subject others to their poor behaviors. When my kids were young, if they woke up with attitude or at some point… Read more »

The problem is, if the child is screaming because he doesn’t want to go into the store, giving in to him will only make the situation worse next time. I have two daughters, and I recall a few volatile blow-ups in public when the oldest was small (the younger is still a toddler). Her father and I chose to be firm, and suffer the humiliation of having people stare, rather than taking the easy way out and doing whatever was necessary to shut her up right that second. By the time she was three or so, she knew that begging… Read more »

Yes, those are the total brat kids and parents with ZERO control of their darlings. No one is talking about a 1 year old crying in the store. Its the true brats who are running around screaming and lying on the floor kicking their feet due to mommy NOT buying them a candy bar. THOSE are the kids we all hate. I think we hate the parents more for allowing this horrible behavior. They want to be Little Johnnys friend instead of their parent. Just horrible parenting. They will be sorry when Little Johnny is in prison because mommy and… Read more »

Shame on everyone who has such an intolerance for the needs of others on both sides of the fence. Half the problem here is a lack of tolerance on both sides. Someone already said it…it’s a PUBLIC space. Good luck dictating the behavior of others.

A department store, a super market is not “public space.” That’s why people are called “patrons.” It’s a space where the public may be but it’s not a sidewalk or a park. I will have tolerance in the supermarket line where the child is melting down and parent is trying her best to get through. And even in public areas there are laws “disturbing the peace” where the public is limited as to what they can and cannot do or say.

@ Cassandra Speaking of public space …. In Illinois, the current law says music shouldn’t be intrusive beyond 100 feet, but, starting July 1, motorists can be ticketed if you can hear their stereo further than 25 feet away from the car.
Beginning July 1 a new law says that motorists whose car stereos can be heard further than 25 feet can be ticketed. The fine: $68.50.

I don’t think so, it’s in general simple respect for others around you and being conscious of those around us. Of course there will always be exceptions but there is an overall attitude that anyone has the right to do anything any time. Actually the music law was prompted by the dangers of the driver not being able to hear emergency sirens. Back in 1995 I had a car that had the greatest sound system for its time. I had a Gino Vinelli cassette and I remember blasting it. There was a portion of the tape that there was a… Read more »

But “simple respect for those around you” includes respect for small children and those with emotional/developmental disabilities. And that respect means going about your business while their parents take care of the noisy bits,

I don’t think anyone has an issue with children emotional/developmental disabilities. We’re talking about the countless kids that don’t have them and the parent(s) still subject others to the bratty behaviors.

The problem is determining which children have emotional/developmental problems and which are “just brats.” When they’re lying on the grocery store floor screaming, they look awfully alike to me. So how am I to know if I should be righteously indignant or sympathetic?

The bottom line is that anyone lying on the floor screaming is having an emotional reaction related to a lack of development.

You know, as a single woman, I am not sure how to react to this article. Our culture is so saturated w loud, glaring stimuli on commercials and awards shoes, reality TV and billboards. There is so much noise, I wish there was an article asking corporations to simmer down and stop polluting our relationships. As individuals we should learn basic socially acceptable norms or st least awareness. But children are annoyingly hard to control and unpredictable. That is the burden of parenthood. And a burden on all adults, a burden we should shoulder. Not that we have to raise… Read more »

Funny thing is that I have never seen these types of situations at Home Depot. That being said, of course there are situations where you’re locked into finishing your shopping. Standing in line with a loaded cart, you’re not expected to pull out of line and walk away but that’s not what we’re talking about. Ya’ll know you’ve witnessed situations where these parents could have easily removed themselves from the situation and away from ear shot of others in the store. And that’s what I and others have been referring to. I am always amazed that when situations are brought… Read more »

I find your statement that “you likely have more time than a parent does,” infuriating. You don’t know what my life is like, just like I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the child’s meltdown. The world doesn’t revolve around me, but it doesn’t revolve around you and your children, either.

The word likely is meant to demonstrate the fact that I do not know the circumstances of individual lives. But, statistically you are have a lot more time for discretionary activities than parents of young children. The word likely is an indicator of probability, not fact. And my children are now young adults. So I am not writing about this as someone who thinks that the world should revolve around my small children and me. And as someone who has had young children and now does not, let me say that I had almost no discretionary time when I had… Read more »

Actually, raising a spoiled brat who thinks he can get what he wants by screaming will negatively affect you in the future. “Where are there parents? Who raised these kids?” you probably ask of teens who are littering, drag racing, road-surfing, spray painting, hurting others, starting fires, etc? They were giving into their kids so that you could have your quiet in the grocery store. Certainly not a 100% correlation, but we do know that kids need to be taught impulse control, not being manipulative, thinking about others, and not being selfish and demanding. That happens when parents are firm,… Read more »

Hmm, I agree with this to some extent, but I do think there’s a place to take your kid outside until they calm down. Then you regroup and return. It’s not always possible, but it’s also not always impossible, and it is also important to show that behavior in a public place means being respectful of other people. It goes along with showing that there’s no running in a store, no screaming, you stay with your parents–whatever your rules are for being in public. For the record, I have a four year old, and she has definitely had melt downs… Read more »

And even if you aren’t already in line, I have one word for you: perishables. You can’t just abandon your cart and allow the fish sticks to defrost. On top of that, a parent can be 90% done with a mega-run that takes two hours, and you do not want a parent to have to walk out on that – trust me. If you have to walk away from a full-cart, the kid wins and you will be nothing but distressed. I keep wondering how people who want parents to get their kids “under control” expect us to accomplish this.… Read more »

Marriwyn ….Kids not wanting to shop? Take them outside and deal with the situation and then go back in the store and finish your shopping. How about the needs of the parents? The need of the parent is to learn how to get your child under control. It’s a parenting moment. “How about ‘you have no idea /what/ their situation might be so just move away and get over it, or buy earplugs’?” whatever the situation, the parent has the ability to move away from others and deal with it. 5, 6,12 patrons of the store are to buy ear… Read more »

@Tom “there’s no reason it can’t be dealt with away from others.”- Pardon? No reason, what, ever? I can think of a few. How about the kid wants to leave the shop & ‘dealing with it away from others’ equates to ‘teaching the kid that screaming gets you your way’? How about ‘the needs of the parent and child are just as important as yours’? How about ‘you have no idea /what/ their situation might be so just move away and get over it, or buy earplugs’?. How about you stop requiring children, who are be definition less able than… Read more »

I think it’s pretty ridiculous that you think that people without children feel entitled. It’s quite the opposite. Parents choose to have children, and those choices come with consequences and responsibilities. Those are things that the parents have to deal with, not the people around them. When they refuse to acknowledge those responsibilities and it ends up being at the expense of others, there is a problem there. Don’t try to switch this around and say that people just need to deal with the needs of parents and children. Parents are able to successfully disarm situations like this all the… Read more »

EXACTLY. Why must others be bothered by your screaming brat? They do try and switch it around making the ones without screaming kids the problem. It really is the parents problem NOT other people. The person with the screaming kid needs to leave, NOT the other way around. I have 4 kids and 6 grandkids. I would NEVER take them dining out or to movies when they were very young. I KNEW they would could scream about something. Why would I subject others to my child’s poor behavior? It’s all about this ME generation that feels they can do whatever… Read more »

Something that you’re not taking into account is the age of the child who is having the meld down/shake down. There is a big difference between a 1 year old and a three year old or older. You said, “Usually these melt-downs occur when the ability to process stimulus is exceeded by incoming stimulus” I disagree. Most of the meltdowns I’ve encountered were simply a situation where a child wasn’t getting what he/she wanted. As I’ll show in the following, my grandson’s issues were definitely due to his inability to process his new environment. Two days ago, my 3 year… Read more »

Well, that’s really fear. That’s different from “I want Lucky Charms.” I always say, “Don’t negotiate with toddlers or terrorists.” It’s important to understand fear vs control, too. Also, setting. You can’t scream in a movie theater. It’s just vastly different than a grocery store. In one, you don’t need to hear dialogue and you can move further away. In the other, you’re really stuck. We must’ve left 4 movie theaters, probably 6 before the kids weren’t terrified. Now they’re obsessed with the movies. But I never left a grocery store, unless it was to give them a HUGE time-out… Read more »

Nice writeup. I’d like to see the next step from an engineering mindset -> steps to difusing a tantrum. There was one situation missing from this piece and that is the 1,000 fold increase in tantrums with an overly-tired child. There are a myriad of behavioral issues that dissapear when a child gets enough sleep…and the amount they need is usually more than you think. I have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old whose behavior was greatly improved once we started getting them an extra 2 hours of sleep a night and getting the 2 yr old regular… Read more »

My kids were insanely easy-to-manage, except in the grocery store. The only way to defuse a tantrum was mimicry. Anticipate and echo every shriek, moan, flail, kick and howl. Not socially preferable, but effective. Sure, some tantrums required investigation, which usually resulted in a lot of hand washing… It became a sport for me, once my critters could articulate their desires, to see if I could deactivate other people’s meltdown machines. At a distance, and in a location out of the other parent’s line of sight, I would attempt to get the toddler’s attention. Once acquired, all it took was… Read more »

Did you ever read Happiest Toddler on the Block? Because Dr Karp’s idea there was to mimic their emotions, but at a lesser level. I think he said 30%. Because when they are screaming and we talk calmly, they just think “This person is so calm. They obviously don’t get that I’m upset!” and then they get more upset. Sort of like when we’re PISSED and some cheesy new-ager comes in and goes, “Now, I know you’re upset, but you don’t have to be” and we go SHUT THE F UP!!! It worked amazingly on my kids. To make a… Read more »