Finding Love In A Hopeless Place? Why This Season of ‘The Bachelor' May Actually Matter

So I’m feeling a little weird right now. You see, it’s three weeks into Season 17 of The Bachelor and everybody knows that’s supposed to be like watching the first ¾ of a deadlocked sporting event: It doesn’t really mean anything, no one’s throwing ‘bows quite yet and you’re conserving your emotional energy until the stakes are at their peak (howtowatchsports.com). You’re relaxed, enjoying the ambiance of the stadium and texting away like it ain’t no thang.

But Season 17 of The Bachelor is kind of a thang. In fact, there’s a possibility that Sean Lowe will actually fall in love. And I simply don’t know how to handle this.

I used to watch The Bachelor merely for comic fodder, as ironic a fan as Alanis is of having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. But suddenly, this episode came along, and I was hurtled to the precipice of the slippery slope that leads to that other kind of irony. The kind that you shout out when defending your 22-year-old self for spending $200 on Miley Cyrus concert tickets. Knowing deep down that you spent another $35 for the MiCy tankini and you wear it everyday underneath all your clothes. This is the “irony” of a lifetime of lies.

Because, here I am, wondering if it’s not only Sean’s chest that is exposed, but his heart, as well. And I’m wondering if there is love in the world. Actual love. The-Chris-Harrison-and-me-starring-on-MTV-in-“True Life: The Notebook Lacked Spark Compared To Our Love” kinda love. Suddenly, up is down and down is up and Jef Holm is straight and… I don’t know how to look myself in the eye anymore.

Am I losing my edge? Has the world gone insane? And how amazing are the FLOTUS’ bangs?!

Well, as a child of Pythagoras, it seems the only way to solve this is with some simple math. Thus, I’ve compiled a tally of my optimism levels during The Bachelor Season 17, Episode 3, where the baseline level = belief in love as of episode two = 0.

RECENT DEVIATIONS FROM SANITY, AS CAUSED BY ABC

Third straight opening clip of Sean starring in a Bowflex commercial: -3

The way that a blue button-down brings out the sapphire of Chris Harrison’s eyes: +10

How rapidly all the other contestants became the evil stepsisters to Lesley’s Cinderella: +10

Sean blushing as he tells Lesley, “I didn’t think I would have feelings this fast, but…you know…I do:” +8 (What a panda. Like truly the hottest of pandas.)

Sean’s record-breaking ability to cite three qualities he likes about a girl (“sexy, smart, funny”) that don’t include “her energy” or “something about her”: +3

Seeing the girls chant, “Take off your shirt!” as they rotate sitting on Sean while he does push-ups: -5 (But +5 of a different kind of love.)

The “serious quality alone time” of a 6-on-1 date: -5 (for number of people making it anti-alone time)

My preoccupation with uncovering the identity of the announcer at the volleyball game: -5 (Though, if my suspicions are correct, it’s actually God taking a break from his human incarnation (Chris Harrison). In which case: +infinity.)

Witnessing the waste of vital resources as the winning volleyball team sprayed champagne in celebration: -1 (Do you not realize there are 6 of you going on a date together? That’s 5 more than you want….Ya huh. Math on math on math.

“Oh my gosh. I am just, like, so amazed by you. You’re everything I’m looking for. You’re all, like, hands-down on paper and I feel chemistry. Like I don’t need that constant attention but I wanna be able to look at you across the room and give you a look and you totally know what I’m thinking. Like, I need, like, you know what I mean? Like, my best friend.”

My ever-growing concern that Amanda is, in fact, a psychopath: -5 (“It has nothing to do with volleyball. Nothing.”)

This face: -1

“And I look like a crazy person who can’t handle all this drama.” …At least she’s self-aware.

The reveal of Tierra’s upcoming autobiography entitled Tierra Took A Big Fall: -1

Understanding Sean’s ability to move on from his date with Lesley M thanks to his self-description as “a guy who’s had several concussions:” +10

How little concern AshLee has for Tierra’s potential injuries: -4

Seeing Tierra have a bitch blackout on a stretcher: +1 (It just made me feel warm.)

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HelloGiggles is a positive online community for women (although men are always welcome!) covering DIY and crafting projects, beauty, friendship, sex & relationships, pop culture, pets, television & movies, nostalgia, fandom, tips on savvy and stylish living meant to inspire a smile. Founded by Zooey Deschanel, Molly McAleer and Sophia Rossi. Reader contributions are welcome and published daily.