Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Lord said: 'Ask and it will be given you . . . knock and it will be opened to you' [Matt. 7:7].

I, sinner that I am, got fixed in an old habit, it tormented me for a long time. I fought with it and asked the Lord that I might be freed from it, but the Lord did not help me. I read the Holy Fathers and know in theory the means for combating passions.

The Holy Fathers say that passions begin in this way: an unwanted thought, holding converse with it, being captured by it, and a passion is born. If we cut off the first thought, we will cut off the whole passion with one stroke. But I, in my weakness and laziness, fell captive to passion. I struggled and prayed but could not free myself from captivity. Once it was so painful to me, I confessed my weakness and powerlessness, crying out to the Lord: 'Lord, help me in my weakness to get free of this passion!' and the Lord in his mercy helped me, through people, although they were not aware of doing it, but I clearly felt God's help.

I had prayed previously too, but apparently not sincerely and had trusted more in my own strength than in God's help. Thus the Lord taught me to remember his words: 'Without me you can do nothing'.

Originally, when I went through this book, deciding which letters to post in their entirety and which ones I would omit and also which ones I would choose only a portion of, this particular letter, number one hundred fifteen was chosen for one little portion it contained.

Howbeit that the Lord, foreseeing where I would be today on Friday October the 12, knew this letter suited me on a more than academic level.

I, sinner that I am, to echo Father John's words, got fixed in an old habit. This particular passion has been fanned to much bigger proportions than its beginnings and I have "entered into it", living and moving and having my being within it. I am its captive as the letter above says.

May our good Lord have mercy on me and grant me repentance and tears for my sins.