Ted Cruz Likes Porn That Is Somehow Both Mediocre And Extremely Weird

Last night, while I was kind of half asleep and watching True Blood, a miracle happened on the internet. Ted Cruz, or whoever was managing Ted Cruz's Twitter account in the middle of the night, liked a porn video (link NSFW!). On Twitter. From the account Sexuall Posts, with two Ls. Where everyone could see. Everyone, it seems, had a very good time, and I am very sad that I missed it.

Intrepid reporter that I am, I watched this porn. It was not good.

So, there's this lady and she's walking into her house, talking on the phone to someone I assume she is romantically involved with, on account of calling them "honey" and "sweetie." She's all like "Honey? I'll -- I'll call you back. I don't know, something's in the house." So she walks over to her living room, and there, on her stark white couch, are two people fucking. Naturally, rather than calling the cops or being like "Hey, why are you people in my house, having sex on my white couch?" she stands secretively by a pillar, lifts up her skirt, unbuttons her blouse and begins to masturbate. She does not appear to climax at any point, probably because she is doing this all wrong.

It is in no way surprising to me that this is the kind of porn Ted Cruz is into. Being that everyone hates Ted Cruz, he probably does not feel included or wanted. Probably no one would be into it, even in a porn, if Ted Cruz were to see them having sex and then try to join in. So he can probably totally relate to this weird woman who just secretively watches the sex havers and touches her boobs and does not join in. The most realistic thing about any of this is that the woman does not have a full-on bikini wax. Not that porn is ever realistic, but you get what I'm saying here.

Like Cruz himself, this porn is somehow both entirely mediocre and weird. Somehow it's super vanilla-y, but not entirely normal, and full of plot holes. It is the porn version of Ted Cruz's personality.

It is for this reason that I totally believe it was Cruz himself accidentally liking the porn he was watching. Ted Cruz would not be into porn where the lady actually goes and joins in and starts sexing up the random sex-havers in her house. He would be intimidated by her lack of fear of rejection.

Also because I bet looking at porn on Twitter is probably a good way of keeping actual porn sites out of your internet history (UNLESS YOU CLICK LIKE). Ted Cruz would probably not go to a real porn site, because plausible deniability, and probably because I'll bet you he has some kind of thing on his computer that blocks them anyway. For Jesus.

Also, according to the AMAZIN Craig Mazin, the screenwriter who was Ted's college roommate, Ted was -- at least in college -- a serial master debater.

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.