No More Money to Burn: Why
are critics of President Bushs tax cut plan
bemoaning the fact that most of the moola goes to the
rich? Dont they appreciate the burdens faced by
billionaires? According to the Moet & Chandon Index,
which tracks the price of luxury items, the cost of
living for the well-heeled has risen a staggering 3.7
percent in the past year.

For example, a 12-day cruise in the Baltic has shot up
from a modest $23,145 to $24,295. And a matched set of
monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage that sold for $4,010 a
year ago now costs $4,140. Sacre bleu!

But wait, it gets worse. Caviar has jumped to $95 an
ounce, an increase of 27 percent over last year. And a
bottle of Hennessy cognac that retailed for $120 now goes
for an unconscionable $130.

We cant even make fun of the trend because the cost
of laughing is also soaring into the stratosphere.
According to Malcolm Kushners Comedy Index, which
tracks the value of 16 leading humor indicators, the cost
of a good guffaw has jumped 3 percent since last year.

The charge for sending a dancing-chicken
singing telegram climbed from $75 to $85. And
a TV sitcom script that sold for $12,615 in 2000 now
commands $13,025 (probably more after the writers
strike). The only saving grace is the cost of rubber
chickens, which dropped from $60 per dozen to $48.

Alarming Trends Bureau: God is
everywhere and so is Starbucks, which may explain why a
Munster, Ind., church recently opened the worlds
first Starbucks franchise inside a house of worship. Now,
after a hard day of throwing the money changers out of
the temple, Jesus can order a relaxing Grande Easy
Vanilla Nonfat Caramel Macchiato.

Hologram Office Party Bureau: Modern
science is so amazing. In the latest breakthrough,
researchers have announced that the office of the future
will be -- brace yourself -- pretty much like the office
of today. However, instead of sharing cubicles with live
human beings, future workers will experience the
immersive Internet, a 3-D computerized
environment that duplicates all the sensory stimuli of
sitting next to real co-workers.

Yes, its quite an advance. For example, if youve
been worrying that telecommuting will prevent you from
enjoying the aroma of that special deskmate who doesnt
bathe regularly, dont sweat it.

Scientists are also developing a device that mimics the
sense of touch. Although aimed at online museums and
stores (which could allow visitors to feel
the shape of a Greek urn or the texture of a fur coat),
the device holds more promise for the virtual office.

Best Skin Flick Award: A Beverly Hills
dermatologist says he will polish away skin lines, liver
spots and sun damage from the necks and chests of 400
Oscar attendees this year using a jet of chromium-coated
polishing crystals. The effect lasts three weeks.

Anti-Oscar Bureau: John Travoltas
Battlefield Earth has been voted
worst film of the 20th century by the Hastings
Bad Cinema Society. Runners-up in
the 100 Years, 100 Stinkers derby
included Howard the Duck,
The Avengers and Stop
or My Mom Will Shoot. The worst actors of the
era were Steven Seagal and Pia Zadora.

We thought worst actor honors shouldve gone to O.J.
Simpson for his role in Searching for the
Real Killers.

Supermarket Tabloid Headline of the Week: 14
Great Ways to Turn Yourself Into a Werewolf!
(Weekly World News)