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Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.

Posts: 912

Happy birthday. I do hope your birthday was incredibly happy and filled with love, laughter, good times and even great sex.

As far as FB this soon, I probably would not. Only you know what is best. It seems soon to me. Even without the metamour who works in the sex industry, I probably would not revisit it for a good six months to a year. You have doubts, so you are not entirely sure about it. And you know what, doll? That is perfectly okay. In this day and age, you have to be cautious and safe. Nothing wrong with that at all. Follow your gut and use your best judgement. Good luck!

Yesterday. Davis and I spent the day together, went to a cultural event, napped, fucked, had dinner. Very natural, easy, happy. We fell asleep together. I sleep SO soundly with him, whereas I'm restless sleeping with almost anyone else.

Today, a group of us went to the spa, including Gia, Eric, and Bee.

One thing that I really liked was the way Bee moved seamlessly between the three of us. He was shy around everyone else, to a person, but he was constantly calling for Mommy, or for Daddy, or for Anna. It's just so moving, and I have to admit that I like all of our friends seeing that. And I had so much fun chasing after him.

Another thing that I really liked was when my friend and I were eating something spicy at one point, and it happened that I didn't have a glass of water. I almost always have water with me, but I had an iced tea, so I wasn't TOO concerned, and I certainly didn't mention anything. Eric got up to get some water for himself, and when he came back he had two glasses in his hands, and gave the other to me. There was so much going on, all sorts of conversations and friends littered about, the baby running around, and he noticed that I needed something without me indicating it in any way. He sees me and my comfort matters to him. It's not like he was ever some completely oblivious ass to me, by any means, but... it's different than it used to be. It may not be love, but it sure as hell feels like something similar. Maybe it just feels like family.

Yet another thing that I really liked was when Gia asked me to rub her shoulders in one of the hot tubs. She used to be so reticent about accepting things like that from me, and now she asks for them without hesitation. I can't begin to say how important and pleasant that shift is. I feel understood and appreciated. Not to mention how enjoyable it was to be in that sort of environment, making her feel good in that way. Mmmm, nice.

A final thing that I really liked was getting dirty/loving texts from Clay in the middle of the day, and then noticing that he posted about me on his tumblr today for the first time and said very nice things about me as a person, talked about our future plans, talked about Izzy being supportive and what a relief that was to him, etc. All of these things that I've fought for with Gia and Eric -- being seen, appreciated, understood -- they come so naturally and completely with him. We communicate and support each other and complement each other and turn each other on in ways that feel so intuitive and natural. I'm used to these things being a struggle, a long process of unfolding and adjusting.

Both types of dynamics are valuable, I'm in NO way saying that my connection with him is worth more than the harder-won connection with Gia. But... wow, it's just such an amazing experience, to have something so rich just fall into one's lap.

I'm used to these things being a struggle, a long process of unfolding and adjusting.

So happy for you! This sentence reminded me of my relationships, but in reverse. Things are usually pretty easy for MC and myself (15+ years together), and always have been, but TGIB and I have to work hard at our relationship (3-ish years). It's interesting, though, how working hard with TGIB makes me appreciate my relationship with MC even more, but the hard work ALSO makes me value my relationship with TGIB SO much (except for when I'm frustrated by the hard work, but that's life, right?!). I find it so interesting how that contrast can highlight BOTH in such positive ways!

So happy for you! This sentence reminded me of my relationships, but in reverse. Things are usually pretty easy for MC and myself (15+ years together), and always have been, but TGIB and I have to work hard at our relationship (3-ish years). It's interesting, though, how working hard with TGIB makes me appreciate my relationship with MC even more, but the hard work ALSO makes me value my relationship with TGIB SO much (except for when I'm frustrated by the hard work, but that's life, right?!). I find it so interesting how that contrast can highlight BOTH in such positive ways!

Yes, this exactly!! I almost took the time to make this exact point myself.

I've been thinking today about the issue of equilibrium within relationships when it comes to time. Not between relationships, as in the oft-discussed topic of balancing time between poly relationships, but within individual relationships. I'm feeling out of equilibrium with regard to the time Clay and I spend together. Sometimes it feels like an ache, sometimes it feels like a weariness, sometimes I forget it for a while only to remember later. I just miss him. :/ It's been four whole days. *dramatic sigh*

Equilibrium: mental or emotional balance, equanimity.

Davis used to feel this way with me. He was always seeking to spend more time with me, while I was always pulling away. Over the course of the last year and a half, and especially recently, we seem to have found equilibrium. Currently we have a once-a-week standing date and occasional meetups outside of that. He seems more satisfied than I remember him seeming back in the day. My impression is that he'd still like to see me a little more, but that this is working for him. I think that he's gotten a little less needy within our relationship, and I've gotten a little more willing to be available.

With Gia, it's been the reverse, I've been the one always aiming for extra time together, and she's been the one always trying to convince me that she just doesn't have it to give. In the last couple of months, my neediness about her has eased significantly. She's also been making more time for me. We have once a month dates, a weekly exercise class that we hit maybe every other week, and other group activities where we spend time together. It's such a relief, not to feel this constant tension in my relationship with her, it makes it so much easier to enjoy the time we have together.

With Clay, it seems like we both are feeling the yearning for more time, but our schedules just seriously do not align well. We may not see each other this week. I would settle for just sleeping beside him, just being near him, I don't need a full date. I've left the decision in his hands, he said he'd let me know if he thought there was a doable time. If, in the end, he doesn't, maybe that means he's not feeling the pull towards me as strongly as I am towards him (though judging by his words, at least, he is), or maybe it just means he's pulled in more directions right now than I am (objectively, he really is). Or a combination of both. Whatever the case, it's clear that we're not at that point of equilibrium.

I feel so bad for the new-to-poly people who try dating folks in Clay's situation, who have more than three partners. People who are used to being mono, used to being someone else's whole romantic world, and who suddenly get such a limited slice of time from someone they're feeling NRE with. It's HARD, but at least I have other relationships to focus on, at least I understand how difficult it is to manage this balancing act and can relate.

I wonder how much of my need for him is NRE, chemicals, craving him like an alcoholic craves a drink. When I focus on other things, I'm fine. But I think of him SO much. I'm trying to dial it back so that I don't stress out over it.

I wonder how much of it is just him, him, him. His short, soft, shaggy hair that I run my fingers through and occasionally hold without pulling. His expressive, multi-colored eyes that look at me so warmly and intently. His soft, thin mouth that so frequently kisses mine when our faces get close enough. His hands that caress me and grab me and smack me and hold me tightly. His body, that melds to mine when we're falling asleep together. His self, so busy and multi-faceted and open-minded and vulnerable, so remarkably quick to hear and understand me.

I wish you all could see him through my eyes and know him through my heart. I apologize for how cheesy that sounds.

A list of strategies I have tried tonight to deal with missing Clay, and their effectiveness.

1) Have a beer with dinner. Moderately effective. Felt nicely fuzzy and thought about not very much for a while.

2) Eat some pieces of dark chocolate. Very effective, but only while chocolate is being eaten and then very shortly thereafter. May have had a small lasting positive effect on overall mood, hard to tell.

3) Listen to melancholy songs. Depends on how you define effective? I enjoyed listening to them, but I don't think they "helped" per se.

4) Be productive. The most effective! I went grocery shopping with one of my housemates, and then finished a piece of jewelry I'd been working on, and while I was doing each of those things I was wholly focused on them. Good stuff.

5) Message him to let him know I miss him. The opposite of effective, as now I'm just feeling a little sad that I haven't heard back yet.

6) Post here about missing him. Doesn't seem to have any effect, positive or negative as far as I can tell.

Revision to #5 -- he just wrote me back, and I feel better now. All in all, I'd say that this strategy was worth a shot but is a bit of a crap shoot. If he gets back to me right away it's a winner, if he takes his time but eventually gets in touch it's a draw, and if he hadn't gotten back to me at all tonight it would've been a definite loser.