Saturday, September 11, 2010

MY WORST COMING OUT EXPERIENCE

I had my meeting with the pastor Wednesday afternoon. It was quite the experience.

Going into it, I had high hopes that I was going to get positive feedback. He is a very uplifting and engaging person on stage, so I was expecting the same, friendly person behind closed doors. HA I was 100% wrong. I met him downstairs in the lobby of my dorm and we quickly walked up to the a lounge room, where we could talk.

I didn't beat around the bush at all once we sat down. He asked me what was bothering me and I told him that I was gay and I wanted some insight on it. The pastor told me to open my Bible. After doing so, he asked me read every verse that condemned homosexuality. I let out a deep 'oh fuck' breath and read them aloud.

Once I finished, he told me that "God made man to be with a woman and that’s the way it should be, period. Man was created to be the strong, powerful, brave, bold, courageous one, while the woman was created from man to nurture, comfort and provide for he and the family. Only a man and a woman are supposed to be together because they balance each other and its natural, whereas homosexual relationships are unnatural. Being homosexual itself isn't a sin, but the act of homosexuality and giving in to temptation is a sin".

So unless you 'become straight', or remain celibate, you sin? He told me that I was not born a homosexual; everyone is born straight in this world. He told me that the Devil put a 'tab' on me labeled 'Homosexuality' around 8th grade, when I was going through puberty and first recognized my attraction to guys. Any thought, emotion, feeling, desire that's gay related, is the Devil's doing.

He told me that within every person there is a throne. Most people place themselves on their throne when they need to place God on it. He said we need God to be on our throne so we can live our life through him. Because I am gay, I put myself on my throne, even though he had just told me it was Satan's doing. I told him that I do seek God and just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can't live for God as well and put Him first. His exact re buttal was "if you work at it hard enough, I promise in six months you won’t be gay anymore."

Following that bold statement, he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down the words ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ with a line between them. He explained to me that because I am gay, I don’t fit in either. Instead of circling ‘Male’ he circled the middle of the line. I was floored. He began to appear less and less Holy to me.

He made another picture. On one end of the paper, he had the words 'Love' and 'Mercy' circles together. On the other end of the paper, he circled the words 'Justice' and 'Judgment' together. He said that "in order to be well balanced, you must live in the middle of the circles". However, since I am not coming to Justice and Judgment with my sexuality, I am living next to the bubble of Love and Mercy.

At this point, I wasn't even about to waste my energy and defend myself after he had just told me I wasn't a male. Instead, I remained the bigger person and I simply told him that I am not a bad/evil person for being a homosexual. I told him that I am in face a man, that six months won't change anything, regardless how much I try to become straight and I was born this way.

He replied by saying "homosexuality is a sin and God will condemn you for it." He quickly attempted to loosen that harsh blow by making it seem like it's reversible though, that there's hope. He said that "it isn’t the Devil who sends people to Hell, it’s the person and their actions that ultimately decide their own fate. People have the choice to walk on the narrow path towards Heaven, or the many paths that lead to hell." He said homosexuality is a spiritual path towards hell and an existence of anguish and torture. He retouched upon 'the tabs' comment, how the Devil puts tabs on certain people. He explained that he might put ‘Alcoholic’ on one guys back, ‘Drug Addict’ on a girls back, ‘Prostitute’ on another girls back, etc.

When he said this to me, I was thinking to myself, well those people chose to take that drink, they chose to pop that pill, they chose to work the streets. Those are all poor decisions people made, my situation is entirely different. I didn’t choose to like guys. If only he put himself in my shoes for a second, which he didn’t.

I told him that I began seeking help with my sexuality at the counseling center. He snapped back and told me to stop going. He said that the Devil is so sneaky that his lies look so much like the truth. So in other words, the counseling center is just going to tell me that I need to start accepting and loving myself. He said that he wants to start counseling me to turn me straight. I proceeded to tell him that my parents go to San Francisco every year and attend a gay friendly church filled with gay people who know God. He said it’s fake and that the Devil wants them to think they know God. The arrogance and lack of God I felt from this man at that moment was overwhelming. I have never been in such an uncomfortable situation. I felt like I had been beaten to a pulp by his words.

After he left, I sprinted back to my room, shut my door, dropped to the floor and cried. It was a lot to take in. I just kept thinking 'what if he's right? what if I do go to hell?' After all the positive things I thought I was doing for myself, like seeking counseling, he reprimanded. The things he told me didn't feel very Godly.

This was one of the rare times when I had to make an emergency call to my siblings and we had a three way conversation about the incident.

Where do I stand after all this craziness? Well for one, I needed time to absorb everything that happened, before writing this post. That was the first and the last conversation I will be having with the pastor, nor will I ever get counseled by him. I went against his word and went to another counseling session

On a positive note, Lauren became my counselor!! (The same girl who did my screening!) When she told me this my face lit up!! I connect with her so well! I explained the whole ordeal to her and she advised me to do the same thing my siblings told me to do, which is to cut communication with him and to seek God in a more loving, accepting environment.

In the end, I'm glad I had that conversation with the pastor. I needed to hear a radical Christian’s thoughts on homosexuality. I even started reading the Bible for the first time in my life to find answers for my own.

AGD: it's going to be confusing for you because you have two basic points of view conflicting with one another. In my other comments, i did not bash your preacher in advance (even though I knew he was going to give you this fear mongering speech) because I figured you needed to see these different points of view for yourself, and i respect your desire to have God/religion in your life. If you can find another church or preacher that focuses on love, acceptance, forgiveness, it might be less traumatic for you. It also may reinforce your own inkling that it's ok to be gay and you still can have a valuable relationship with the church. Don't lose hope, you'll find a way if you stay true to yourself.

AGD: Ahh, the advantage of being young and ballsy -- I was feeling like socrkid17's comment but I held back, it was upsetting to me that the preacher took advantage of your vulnerable state to force his particular view, especially by tearing down others. Yeah socrkid17, you tell 'em!

after reading what I just typed and saw the typo's in it, this is what I ment to say:

When anyone comes to a place of god for help and you have to witness this type of boxed-in stupidity it just makes me sad. Is he saying that god didn't know what he was doing when he made us?

The church is suppose to be their to bring us closer to god and not make us feel any worse than when we walked in the door. I would not be supprised if the pastor is sometype of sociopath(thats off his meds) and get a high on mentally bringing down an individual.

Hey, Brave Guy, this is AnonymousJ again.I think you're amazingly strong and wise.You were strong enough to have endured the two hours of what your loving brother and sister correctly called The Preacher's bull shit.And wise enough not to have actually punched the sicko in the face (even though Socrkid17's urge brings up a great mental picture!)Mostly you show your wisdom by realizing that being forced to listen to all that devilcrap could be seen as a valuable lesson.You're gonna be fine.Trust your therapist.Be patient.Be proud. You're a real man.

I have struggled with many of the same issues about being Christian and gay, but after much prayer and meditation, I came to the understanding with God that he loves me no matter what and that he created me the way that I am. Your siblings and therapist are 100 percent right. A true Christian is all about love and acceptance. Religious leaders talk all the time about "What would Jesus do?" Jesus would love you for who you are, not what someone else demands you be. Be yourself and treat others like you want to be treated and God will reward you for it.

I wish you all the best. I had a similar conversation with my mother about homosexuality and she reacted the same way. I will never understand why some people hate so much and can't see God's love for us.

Although I'm not personally religious myself, I understand that some people have a very close relationship with God, and it's an important part of their life. You shouldn't let this one bigoted individual ruin that relationship. "Conversion" therapy has been proven to be mentally damaging and ineffective. I'm glad you were able to see that for yourself, and come to your own conclusions.

It takes a lot of balls to open up to other people, when you're going through a tough time like this. I have to give you a huge pat on the back, and I'm really happy you got to talk to your bro and sis to help you through this as well.

To be honest I've been thinking about counselling for a while, and haven't been able to take that first step yet. If you have time could you maybe shoot me an email? taylor498@gmail.com - I would be interested to hear how your first few visits went and if you have any advice for me. I noticed u were following my old blog, but never got a chance to talk to you before I shut it down. Anyways keep your head up dude! You're clearly a great guy and you should be proud of all the progress you've made.

It's a pity that I don't live near this preacher. I'd love to pay him a visit and explain to him (with pictures and circles) that Satan has tagged him. Who would spread such hate other than Satan himself? Jesus is all about love. A true Man of God knows that. What does the bible say? Beware of those who provide false witness.

I too wanted to warn you prior to your meeting with the preacher but decided to wait. When I was 20 I had conflict between my feeling for a men & my relationship with God. In college I had the opportunity to travel throughout the USA ministering the word of God (Campus Crusade for Christ). I went to church after church desperately seeking a minister I thought would help me comes to terms with my sexuality. One day while in Virginia Beach, VA, I found him. We sat down & had a wonderful talk about my walk with the lord. It was after that, that I felt comfortable sharing with him my feeling for men. He stopped talking, smiled and waved a hand in front of my face and replied "flee the devil"! I was horrified! After that meeting my life changed. I have never trusted or attend evangelical services again. I believe that it is, as they say, "A personal relationship with the lord". I now walk with my confidence in knowing that I made the right decision. Continue counseling for it will help you build a strong foundation. Know & believe that God made & loves as you are

I think God, especially in the new testament, indicates that he is about LOVE and wants us to simply be good people.

And remember, while the bible calls homosexuality an abomination, it also says eating shellfish is an abomination as well - but I'm sure your preacher does that.

If I were you I would start looking for a church that believes in Christ's love rather than judging others and putting them down. Maybe try out a Unitary Universalist church if you feel the need to go?

This preacher is not the place to start your journey through life either in relation to your sexuality or your faith.

Remember two things 1. you were made the way you were - if you believe in God then you will come to your own conclusions about who made you that way and it is unlikely that you will conmclude it was the satan.

2. Christianity is above all a religon of love. I say this as someone who is notr a believer. However I have studied the history of the early church (very interesting by the way I recommend it) at a leading uni. in the UK, the reason why Chritianity became so popular in the Roamn empire was because it preached love and acceptance and help for your fellow men -not the harsh punitive nonsense of your preacher.

Your siblings are true christians in the oldest sense of the term.

You have a journey called life to start on and like me and many others posting on this site you will have to ocme to terms with your sexuality and your masculinity but trust me listening to that preacher will only screw you up in a tight ball of self hate.

Best wishes (and judging by your most recent post I think our author might be falling in love...?....)

I have to admit that I copied & pasted the rest of this from my comment on the "One in Eleven" blog, but I also noticed your comment there, and I hope this might be of some use/support:

...thought I'd pitch in my two cents about the religion thing... I used to struggle with that a lot. When I was 17, I even went through two years of trying to "cure" myself with the help a supposedly "reformed" friend - before I finally figured out he was a fraud. I decided that it wasn't possible that a kind and loving God would expect someone to torture themselves so... yes, Christianity does sometimes involve self-sacrifice, but with something as fundamental to the human spirit as deciding who to love? I couldn't believe that anymore...I still had faith, but I stopped going to any particular church. I would keep an open mind, and without pressure from other people who pretend they have everything figured out, I would figure out what God's intention really is for me.But how to bring together the two very different ideas of what is printed in our bibles and what I feel in my heart is God's love for and acceptance of me?I've done a lot of reading up on this over the years, and while I still don't have all the answers (and probably never will), I feel I have found peace. I'm out of the closet and have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for the past 7 years.

Here is two of the more interesting sites I've found, which I hope will be of some use to you in your search for answers:http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibc1.htm and http://www.inclusiveorthodoxy.org/ with particular reference to http://www.inclusiveorthodoxy.org/files/biblestudy.pdf

Hi i went thru the same thing. i'm catholic but i stopped going to church. I feel that as long as i treat people how i want to be treated and accept people for who they are why do i need to go to a building to talk to God? Why cant i just talk to him when i'm home and know that he hears what i have to say? The whole devil tabs thing is so over the top crazy.....how can you ever take anything this so called man of God has to say? trust those around you who love you and want whats best for you. I really like your blog and i hope you stay strong and know your not alone in life.

It's amazing how people pick and choose what they want to believe in from the Bible. Does this preacher also believe that women who commit adultory should be stoned to death? No? Well, it's in the Bible!

If anyone with a brain thought about it, they would see that the Bible is a work of fiction and that the MESSAGES should be followed, not the precise text.

Welcome!

I'm a kid at heart, figuring out life and having epiphanies along the way. This blog documents my journey over the past seven years, as I grow from the shy, closeted guy I once was, into a complete badass. Website: jeremymannino.com