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A Love Quote

Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole. -- Derek Walcott

Getting Over a Crush on a girl 15 years younger

Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old MaleFirst of all I am feeling terrible for allowing myself to get into this situation at all, but I am not really sure how it happened.

I am married and have been for 11 years. I consider my marriage a good one, although I have struggled with an addiction to porn and have at times had other crushes which have not lasted.

Which brings me to the current situation, as I have developed a strong crush/ feelings of love toward a coworker who is 15 years younger than me, and also married with three young children, although she is not really happy with the guy for the most part. I talk to her all the time and she is really friendly and seems to like me, but probably only as a friend. A

nyway, I want to get past this, as it is hurting me inside, and of course I cannot share this type of thing with my wife, who is already insecure with herself. Nobody seems to be able to tell me what to do, and I probably won't like the advice, but I guess I need a way to get past this and live my life instead of always thinking about this girl, and I do mean almost always.
Thanks very much and I will look forward to your advice.

RomanceClass.com AdviceWell first, take solace in that what you are feeling is really, really common. There's a reason that they call that period of time the "mid life crisis" time. It doesn't mean you're out of control of anything. It just means that you have been 'coasting comfortably' for a while, but then you get to a certain point and something sort of startles you out of your way of life. You say to yourself, "She's young! She likes me! I was that young once, when I was fresher in the world." It's very, very appealing. They make movies and write novels about how powerful that emotion is.

That being said, of course part of being in a committed relationship is handling those sorts of temptations. If every guy who went through that ran off with or cheating on his wife with the young thing, we would pretty much destroy all trust and love in the world. The years and years you've put into your relationship and the many, many years you have ahead of you are far more valuable than the momentary thrill you get for this year or two in the middle if you did betray everything.

It's never easy to get over a crush. Think of the 13 year old girls who are so addicted to their favorite singer that they plaster his poster all over their room and dream about him every waking second. It is an incredibly powerful emotion. And like most powerful emotions, it needs time to help it regain some perspective in your life.

Find a new hobby, hopefully one you can share with your wife. Really put effort into learning it, practicing it, and focus your energies in that direction. Don't allow yourself to obsess about the younger woman - you do, in fact, have complete control over your brain! If she drifts into your mind, then redirect your thoughts onto another topic. You don't have to cut her off entirely - she's still a friend. But you shouldn't allow yourself to just daydream about her all day. That simply reinforces in your brain the whole problem.

Hopefully in a few months you'll be able to look back and think how she helped revitalize you, how you got into a fun hobby and got your life going again because of her. She'll be a fond memory of someone you had a temporary crush on, just like that 13 year old moves on from her boy-band-dream to a real and true guy who cares for her. You'll be content with the lasting love of your wife, and with the lives you have forged together.

-- from JennOne of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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