What to Do with Beta

While the chapter itself is in pretty poor shape, the Beta Theta Pi house is in great condition, having recently undergone a $7,000,000 renovation. However, the house remains virtually unused. True, an art fundraiser was held there earlier this fall, but is that really all the use we can get out of the beautiful building? We put our heads together and came up with a few ideas.

Frat Rat Halfway House

Dana
For those poor souls who want to break their habit of spending their college years squinting through the haze of too-late nights out on frat row, the university now offers a haven. Clients of Natural Light Rehab will be led gently away from the lifestyle of belligerence and mindless gyrating gradually, with a twelve-step program that uses the comfortingly familiar letters of the Greek alphabet.

The healing process begins with an enormous opening party where non-alcoholic beer and shots of fruit punch are served. By graduation, all participants will be capable of attending sophisticated soirees without dancing on a table or demanding that someone remove their clothing. It’s a brave mission, but the university fully expects to have the facility up and running by the time Fall Rush is over.

Concert Venue

Evan
Ever walk down a dorm’s hallway to find one person blasting T-Pain while the person across the hall cranks Metallica to full volume? What if T-Pain and Metallica played a live show at Beta House – at the same time in different rooms? And with State College still in need of some more concert venues, this could be the perfect solution!

…Unfortunately, Beta was axed for alleged hazing violations, which might make the university not too keen on using its space as a venue for multiple loud acts, especially after the Ying Yang Twins show at Phi Kappa Sigma Phi Sigma Kappa last Fall got shut down after a couple songs for noise violations. Here’s an easy fix: turn Beta into an all-acoustic venue!

Here is how it would work: Every room in Beta would be set up as a mini venue for local/underground groups, while the bigger, more open rooms would host more popular acts. Local legends like Jordan O’Jordan could have an intimate show in a bedroom while Jack Johnson rocks out in the living room. It would be the best of all worlds!

Haunted House

Dan
Beta is undoubtedly a beautiful house. It brings to mind some of the most famous haunted dwellings in history, such as the Overlook Hotel and that house from The Haunting (1963 version, of course). The main difference, however, is that Beta is not haunted. I walk past that building everyday and think “What a waste – some restless and violent inter-dimensional, non-corporeal intelligence once based in living flesh could totally live there, spookin’ everybody out.”

What the university clearly needs to do is capture some ghosts to release into Beta. Luckily, PSU is the frontier research institution for paranormal studies, featuring the Paranormal Research Society, which boldly investigates unexplained phenomena, such as indistinct background noise and the anecdotal testimony of children. So I’m proposing the University lets the Paranormal Society capture wild ghosts (surely they’ve found some by now) to release into Beta. The windows and doors will then be boarded up and the house will be left to naturally deteriorate as its insides become infested with ancient malevolent spirits. It will later be reopened for extravagant dinner parties.