Advice for a New New Yorker

Things I figured out on my own that I wish someone would have told me, and other useful tidbits.

Consolidate your bags into one tote bag whenever possible.

A nearly empty subway car during rush hour usually means one thing: sleeping homeless person (often smelly and usually with his or her belongings in piles of bags surrounding said person).

Always, always carry an umbrella.

Never wear high heels to and from the office. Never.

OkCupid is a viable way to source dates for approximately two months — and only two months.

Do not get stuck walking or climbing stairs behind someone dragging luggage.

Similarly, do not get stuck walking or climbing stairs behind someone carrying a little extra baggage (around the midsection).

Also on the topic of luggage, when carrying your own luggage, ensure it goes through the turnstile before you — not after, not under, not behind. Always ahead of you.

You can say or text “No, I’m not interested in hanging out with you.” to a guy (or girl) and nothing more.

Pack your lunch during the week, even if it’s “so PA” as I was once told.

Spare yourself the guilt and avoid making eye contact with those poor souls asking for money on the train or street — unless of course you can afford to or want to make a contribution.

Brooklyn bars love the whole Cash Only thing. Stop at an ATM or your bank (to avoid outlandish ATM fees) and grab some cash before a night out.

Avoid puddles and walking too closely to the curb during and after storms and rainy days. Chances are, you will end up with dirty splotches on your just-pressed pants.

During the spring and summer months, it’s imperative you wash your feet before going to sleep after wearing sandals. Imperative.

As much as you desperately want to, do not — I repeat, do not — make eye contact with the big, buff, shirtless black guy on the Brooklyn-bound G train. I know, I know. His flashy gold sunglasses, giant belt buckle emulating something from the WWE and pecs are irresistible…

Everyone knows you’re reading 50 Shades of Grey even when you conspicuously fold the book around front-to-back so no one can see the cover.

Grocery shopping is the pits. Employ/bribe/persuade/ask a handsome, strong dude to carry your bags home. Then cook him dinner.

Purchasing a new full/queen quilt and sheet set from West Elm in Chelsea on a hot summer afternoon and attempting to transport it home via the L at Union Square during the Friday evening rush hour commute is so not a smart idea.

DO smile, nod and/or make eye contact with neighbors and strangers at least once a day.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. This applies to almost all facets of life especially dress code.

You will probably forget to wear deodorant one morning so keep a travel size in your bag or at your desk. The same goes for a toothbrush. Just sayin’.

Although not recommended, it’s OK to show up to the office still drunk from the night before — just once.

On the contrary, it’s not OK to show up to the office still drunk from the night before wearing the previous day’s outfit. (Note: To clarify, I never experienced this. I just imagine it being highly frowned upon.)

Pay attention to the MTA conductor’s announcements. Sometimes they provide important notifications.

Every now and then, it’s exhilarating to throw on a fancy dress and drink a fancy cocktail served at a fancy bar and pretend to be someone else.

People love to read books while walking, and it’s something I’ll never understand.

There’s a good chance you might be out at a club/bar and someone will ask you to partake in illegal drug activity. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, just say no.