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Thursday, February 25, 2016

Through out my life I’ve
struggled to lose weight, but looking back I see weight loss wasn’t my
problem. It was body image.

Look at me on my wedding
day.

Sorry, I just had to throw this one in for fun!

But, seriously, should this beautiful bride be
worried about how fat she is?

But I was. Although beautiful and meaningful, much of my
wedding day was dominated by negative thoughts in my mind about my body and
appearance.

Once I started having
children, I really did need to lose weight but the negative thoughts in my
mind, the “you can’t do it” or “start tomorrow” made it impossible to lose
weight permanently. Through the years, I
developed a food addiction where I needed to eat what I wanted, when I wanted
or I wasn’t happy.

In 2010, after I had my fifth child.

I remember years early
staring in the mirror, shocked by my appearance. I said to my loving husband, “The fat girl I
see in the mirror is not the real me.
The girl I see in my mind is stuck behind all the fat. Why can’t I get her to come out?’

Throughout my life, dieting
had been a game for losers. I would pity myself, convinced going without
certain foods was too hard; as if something awful was really happening to
me.

Diets made me self-absorbed.

Dieting was an ungrateful
delusion. “Poor me, I have to eat salad
and sweet potatoes and asparagus when what I really want is cookie dough.”

What was that? There wasn’t a single thing about that
situation that should have made me feel sorry for myself. My body was screaming for healthy food, but
my emotional cravings were begging to be fed too. Wrapped up in pride and personal sabotage, my
emotional cravings convinced me I was only in charge if I gave into every impulse at any time. “That’s freedom, that’s the dream,” my self-absorbed self
said.

When did I learn I could only
be happy with no restrictions ever? That
certainly wasn’t God’s plan. He gave
commandments to keep His children safe.
What about food commandments?
Food had become my false idol.
The results were my body carrying 60 extra pounds. My poor meager inability to solve this
problem made me a victim.

As a victim I had a “get out of jail
free” card.

I had every justifiable
excuse in the book. It was Christmas, it
was my birthday, we were on vacation, other people ate what they wanted, my
metabolism was off, I’d just had a baby and on and on and on.

Procrastination sped up time. I felt constantly rushed and irritable.

I was putting off the
inevitable, forcing myself to live outside today and into tomorrow. As the victim I lost hope, but what if the
victim and the perpetrator were the same person? We see this scenario manifest itself all the
time in self-defeating behavior. That
was me, victim and perpetrator; hence the inner dialogue I couldn’t seem to
escape. If my perverted thinking wasn’t
from God, where did it from? What was
the root of fear, doubt and delusion? It
certainly couldn’t grow from faith and love when I decided to study the 40-day
fast of Jesus Christ.

After Jesus was baptized, he
went into the wilderness to fast and prepare for His mission. Alone, he fasted for 40 days and 40
nights.

I thought about the “alone-ness”
of fasting as it could be a very lonely experience. At times I could feel the world spinning and
moving around me, yet I wasn’t participating.
Without the tastes of the world on my tongue, I felt on the sidelines
watching the game. Without food, much of
the goodness of the earth could not be experienced. On the other hand, fasting allowed the
understanding of “being in the world but not of the world.” At times, I felt elevated. The normal cares of my life – being upset over
meaningless things seemed silly to what others were experiencing. Those who
went without food were present in my mind. No longer did I feel impulses to
self-indulge and satisfy my every desire when those around me were suffering. Being lonely also allowed for
self-revelation. Near the end of his
fast, Satan came to tempt Jesus. The
Savior’s body was weak but his spirit was mighty.

The first thing Satan tempted Jesus to do was
turn stones into bread. Satan was a fool
for thinking something so temporal could remotely tempt Christ. Jesus said “Man shall not live by bread
alone, but by the word of God.” When the
spirit carried Jesus to the top of the temple, Satan tempted Jesus to jump and
call on the angels of heaven to catch him.
Jesus told Satan not to tempt the Son of God. Jesus was a master of the fast, He knew who
He was but Satan tried again to tempt him.
When Jesus was a top a mountain overlooking all the lands and people of
the earth Satan tried to convince Jesus to worship him by promising Him all the
power of the world. Really, did Satan
think Jesus would even care about what he had to offer? Satan was a liar. I considered the lies Satan had feed me. He had controlled me for too long. Just as Jesus had showed, Satan could have no
power over me unless I believed him; unless I allowed it.

During my 30-day fast, I
learned to break the chains of deception I’d convinced myself were true. I could do this. I could have food commandments and limit what
I put in my body. I was in control. God had made my body perfect and I needed to
be grateful for it.

After 30 days of fasting, I lost 12 pounds.

I have
now been practicing intermittent fasting for 50 days and will not weigh myself again until my next 30-day milestone.I skip breakfast and lunch and eat dinner at 4:00pm.I drink plenty of fluids too and have no food
restrictions after my fast. More important than my weight-loss, I marvel at the things I’ve learned about myself, food and my relationship with God.I pray for those in need and turn to God for help and instruction.I’ve never felt more like a daddy’s
girl.Truly, we are children of God and
I know it like I’ve never understood before.

How did I learn to stop
shaming food?

How did I survive the hunger?

Did I incorporate exercise?

How is fasting not only
physical, but spiritual?

How long do I plan to fast?

These, and more are topics I
will answer in the upcoming blog posts. Writing
about this experience has been amazing. I
am currently seeking a publisher for my memoir:

Starving Girl – a perpetual dieter’s 30-day experience
with the miracle of intermittent fasting and the unorthodox answers she
received about overcoming food addiction.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

The type of intermittent fasting I experienced required going without food between the hours of 10pm to 4pm. During this 18-hour fast, I learned much about hunger.

Let me tell you, hunger messes with you. Its persistence forces you front and
center. First, hunger taps lightly on
your window and although you know it’s there, it can be ignored. A while later it starts yelling when suddenly
its steel-toed boot kicks the door. The
walls of your home shake and once again, hunger will go away but this time you
have to yell at it through the peep hole.
“You’re not invited!” you scream, but it lurks in the window well like a
thief, waiting to bust down the door the minute you least expect it. Hunger forces the least imaginative person
into a make-believe world of food where anything besides nothing tastes
delicious.

So, why would I put myself in
a position to feel hungry? As a Mormon, my Christian
faith encouraged its members to fast the first Sunday of each month, a task I’d
ignored for almost 20 years. On January
3, 2016 God told me if I fasted it would change my life. As someone with a food addiction, this seemed
impossible. Although I knew going
without food would be difficult, I could see the beautiful parable of
sacrifice. Fasting was an offering of
self-will, one of the few things I possessed to give to God. Fasting was a willingness to go without so
somebody else would be blessed. The law
of the fast involved praying for somebody in need while going two consecutive
meals without food. For me, that meant
skipping breakfast and lunch. Once the
fast was complete, a financial offering was made to the church equivalent to
the cost of the missed meals. Most
church members donated generously because their money went specifically to feeding
the hungry, clothing the poor and providing shelter to the homeless. On January 3, my attempt at fasting was full
of failure. At one point I forgot all
about my commitment and ate a piece of chocolate. When I was hungry and thought I might faint,
I drank grapefruit juice. Several times
I thought of giving up, but barely hung on.
I thought of my own needs and and the food I desired. At dinner that night, I found some solace in
my meager accomplishment. If God could
grade my fast, I would probably receive a D-; passing only because I had
attempted to do my best. Little did I know God had a surprise for me. He wanted me to experience the same type of
fast for 30 more days.

(Several days before I started my fast. When being photographed, I'd become very comfortable hiding behind my children.)

“No,” I said in my mind. “You’ve got the wrong girl” and I dismissed
the thought. Was I gluten for punishment and making this idea up? Was fasting for 30 days even
healthy? I’d been taught to keep the
body fed, eating small meals throughout the day so the metabolism burned like a
small camp fire. Going without food
seemed counterproductive and for me it flashed impossibility like a neon sign. God couldn’t be serious, but again the
persistent thought to fast for 30 days flooded my thoughts. Once the idea settled a bit I wondered what God
had in store for me? I could see the poetic irony – overweight girl
gives up food and learns to rely on God.
Like the Sunday fast, it was an enchanting parable for someone else to
experience, but I couldn’t imagine it manifesting through me. Still, I knew God well enough to recognize
His voice, so with a willingness to try, I stumbled into my first day. For 30 days I struggled, cursed, fought and
eventually rejoiced in my fast, which I now know is called intermittent fasting. What I didn’t realize, was hunger would soon
become my friend and teacher.

(A note my husband left for me during my 30-day fast.)

Hunger forced me to think
outside myself. Without hunger this
opportunity would not have been possible.
Hunger was a mental game between my body and spirit. Once my body realized it was not in control, my
spirit was allowed to be in charge. Like
perspiration through the pores, I literally felt the dim light of my spirit shine
through growing brighter and brighter with each day. Released through hunger, my spirit soon began
a journey of learning. I understood my
relationship with food, how it held me back and kept me in a constant state of
low self-worth and procrastination.
Food; a sore spot for many women who struggled with body-image reminded
me of Eve and how she was tempted by the fruit in the Garden of Eden. Through deception, food could be a tool
inflicting hurt and pain on women. While fasting I constantly
asked questions. Why was obesity
wide-spread? Was over-eating and
depression linked? Why was body size
related to self-worth? Why had I turned
to food after being sexually abused? What
type of example was I setting for my children?
Would my daughter struggle with the same issues? I learned when every impulse and craving of
the body was not satisfied, the spirit became stronger. Such strength allowed me to not only conquer
the pains of my past, but find purpose in them.
Fasting projected me towards what I could accomplish and what I was
doing right in my life. Self-discipline
and gratitude rose out of ashes and through fasting, my best self became
present.

Because of the weight I’ve lost,
I’m tempted to call fasting dieting but these two terms are counter
opposites. While dieting is an internal
struggle of deprivation fasting is an outward expression of love and
healing. In other words, I wasn’t
willing to give up my food addiction for myself, but I was willing to do it for
someone I loved and could pray for.

Throughout the next few
weeks, I will continue sharing tips and insights on intermittent fasting and what
I learned. If you feel someone will benefit from this information, please share this blog post with them.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

On Sunday January 3, 2016 I did something I hadn’t done in nearly
20 years.

I fasted.

This may seem like a small task but for me it felt almost
impossible. In my church I’d been encouraged to fast once a month
which involved skipping two meals. I started my fast after dinner on
Saturday night and I was to skip breakfast and lunch and could resume eating
dinner on Sunday night. Easy, right, but for most my life I’d had a
horrible relationship with food. I resented food and blamed it for many
of my problems. Since having my 6thbaby, I was almost 80 pounds
overweight, but that didn’t matter. Food was my reward. Food was my
master and there was nothing I could do about it. It controlled me on so
many levels; emotionally, physically and without my ability to participate in a
monthly religious fast, it controlled me spiritually.

Religious fasting is full of purpose and prayer. My sister and brother were at perilous times
in their lives and their health was of the upmost concern, so while fasting that
Sunday, when I hungered, I would turn to God in prayer and ask for His blessing
on them. An amazing thing happened to
me. I forgot about my problems and
focused on others. I felt God’s love
flow through me and decided having His influence in my life in such abundance
was something I wanted again. So, I fasted the next day, skipping breakfast and
lunch, only to have dinner that night. I
did this day after day, seeking out God’s love and purpose. I had plenty of people in my life to fast for
including my children and husband, my parents and siblings, even my enemies, so
I did this again and again and again until I'd fasted for 30 days.

About 10 days into my fast, I was reading a PEOPLE magazine
article called “Half Their Size” about a girl who'd lost over 100 pounds.
She contributed her success to healthy eating, exercise and intermittent
fasting. What was that? I got busy and forgot all about it, but on
day 14 of my fast, I decided to look up what intermittent fasting was. I
was blown away. Cells healed, hormones balanced, brain creativity was
higher and on and on when I read the best part; rapid weight-loss. The
research suggested a 16 hour fast with an 8 hour eating window (clickhereandhere). To my
surprise, this was how I'd been fasting. The only thing I didn't find
from my study of intermittent fasting was how to incorporate prayer.

It
seemed the spiritual part of the fast was ignored while the practice of fasting
was purely for the physical benefits.

Funny thing was I'd continued fasting because the spiritual
rewards were much more significant. I
was changing my life, healing my emotional wounds and felt inspired to be the person
I knew God wanted me to be.

For 30 days, I wrote about my experience
and now am currently seeking a publisher for my memoir:

Starving Girl - My 30 day experience with
the miracle of intermittent fasting.

I had gone through many titles while working on my memoir of
fasting. Because my ultimate journey was through Jesus Christ, I wanted a
title that would honor Him.Christ-centered
Eatingquickly became the
working title. ThroughHisexample of fasting, my own mediocre
attempt to fast was one of the greatest paths to finding true love for self,
God and humanity. I felt impressed to fast on Sunday January 3, 2016, thinking
it would be a one day thing. When I felt God wanted me to fast for 30 more days
(going all day without food, only eating dinner at night), it seemed an
impossible task. He told me if I prayed every day I would be
successful. Day by day, I checked in with my self. Was I really
doing this? Why was I putting myself through such torture? On day twelve
I became so hungry I questioned what God was asking of me. Hungry waves
of anger hit like an emotional tsunami. Oh, I was beyond hungry and
without food to work as my emotional crutch, I had to feel everything.
Like dye to a blood test, anger crept into my body and colored me red. I
had spent years of life full of food; eating, consuming, rewarding, pitying,
indulging, resenting and failing all through food. I was fed up and
considered titling the bookStuffed.
How many years had I been stuffed but unfulfilled? On day 15 of my fast,
the anger turned to determination and forced me to face my demons. Like a
raging boxer at the end of his match, I emotionally collapsed. I had
another round to fight and needed to mature. Food couldn’t be my crutch
anymore. It was difficult but again, I knew fasting was what God wanted
me to do so I forced myself open. No longer could food be a shield to
hide behind. The hunger kept me present and motivated. I was
starving for more than food. I was starving to love myself. Boom,
my new title becameStarving.
Days and days of hunger; unfiltered and exposed hunger pulsed through me and I
discovered food could never fill me up. My strength had to come purely
from God. No more excuses, no more “I can’t do this,” or “I’ll start
tomorrow.” I had to live the laws of the universe that I knew to be true
and when the God of the universe told me to pray everyday to Him, I
prayed. When He told me to fast, I fasted. I’d been so stubborn;
certain God would understand my inability to keep up with all He demanded of
me. I had been blessed with more than I ever noticed. My life was
stuffed with the richness of happiness and meaningful relationships, but with
all the dysfunction of food addiction I couldn’t see it. While fasting,
my beating heart and growling stomach reminded me I was alive through
Christ. God had bestowed upon me gifts and without a daily relationship
with Him, I couldn’t tap into them. For 30 days the spiritual channel
between heaven and earth opened in a way I never knew possible. God knew
I would find myself and He knew without food I would be desperate enough to
turn to Him every single moment.

Yes, God knew I would suffer and cry and fall apart. He knew
I would doubt and kick and scream, but He also knew I would search and hope and
love. I would feel His love. He knew as He picked me up and put me
back together, I would see Him and through Him find my greatest self.

I’m still practicing intermittent fasting, but no longer am I starving
for food, I’m starving to fulfill His purpose. A starving girl in a house
full of food is a strange phenomenon but I’m hoping fasting takes hold and
changes the life of another starving person. If you’re stuffed but
unfulfilled I promise, you can be full without food.

What is My Dear Trash?

After I was sexually abused, I felt like trash. Through God's love, I was able to find my worth again. My Dear Trash is about finding value where others may not see it, in ourselves, in our world, in our unborn and in our relationships and with God.

View the book trailer for my memoir Starving Girl by clicking on the image below.