Then it hit me: I'll make art inspired by my Irate Gamer fanfic that doesn't exist anywhere and I will never write:

If anyone wants to send this in and see if Bores is flipped out fucking bananas enough to actually post it, send it to "theirategamer@aol.com". I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING, THAT'S HIS ACTUAL EMAIL ADDRESS!

By the way, if Earpennies McDogfartcar is reading this, you'd get along great with Chris Bores! I mean, look at that crazy fan shit he's posted! You'd fit right in, man! It would be like having the incestuous, criminally insane family you've never had!

Me: "…Marian Churchland? The same Marian Churchland who made that comic “Silk” that got a couple pages shown in the reader art section of Volume 5 Issue 5 (May 1997) of Gamefan? Who apparently ISN’T a dude?

GAWD, I’ve been obsessing over those two pages from Silk for over a decade now! Always wanted to know more about it! Don’t suppose you remember it, do you?"

Her: "WOW.

You know what? Nothing I’ve ever had published has been half as exciting as seeing my drawings in Gamefan, when I was a teenager.

I might have to dig up those old Silk comics, and make a post about them at some point.

When I started this site, my object was to continue Solomon's legacy. I think it is absolutely necessary that there be negative critiques of art, so that artists will continue to have a reason to improve. The mark of a bad artist, in my opinion, is the inability to accept criticism. I think Solomon, in having a website where one could see how webcomic "artists" responded to criticism, separated the proverbial wheat from the chaff.

That said, Solomon left his work unfinished. Does that make him cowardly or lazy (note: they love using that word "lazy" -Tabs) or merely willing to accept defeat against the massive flood of terrible webcomics? Furthermore, is it necessary that we continue to criticize bad webcomics at all? What should the tone of this site be? Should we strive to help artists, strive to attack bad ones, or do a little of both?

I believe the latter: Attack bad webcomics, help artists, criticize artwork to ensure that its artists continue to improve, and separate those so-called "artists" who can take criticism from those who can't.

What are your thoughts?"

...My thoughts, huh? Okay, I got me some thoughts for ya, son!

You're an asshole. You're a goddamn lying hypocrit asshole who latched himself onto the work of a better without any goddamn understanding of the work itself, and you didn't pay any goddamn attention to a word Solomon was really saying. If you did, you'd know he quit because of people like you: The goddamn lying hypocrit scumbag asshole motherfuckers who think being amused by the monkey's angry dancing means the monkey is your friend. The monkey is not your friend. The monkey bites and throws poop much better than you. And when the monkey bit and poop-sniped you, you act like you never tried to be the monkey's friend and quickly prove that all that talk about the inablity to accept negative criticism is complete and total bullshit when applied to you.

Let's see s'more, because this valuable time spent on this blog entry would be wasted if spent with family and friends:

"Re: What is the Bad Webcomics Wiki?
William Seagate 28 Nov 2008, 12:46 GMT-08
In our master's words, most of the worst artists out there will downright ignore or attack any criticism they see. We should discuss and compile the sheer atrocity of these works, so as to warn other people who think this is any degree of good.

Solomon has had a great influence on my self-criticism. I've learned I'm not perfect, not even close. You must never surrender to pride, arrogance, wrath or gluttony about your work, it's not worth it. Take shit for heart. Improve. If not, we are still here, to shout and shout until you wake up from your rosy dreams.

I say: Those who want to be helped, be helped. Those who not, be ridiculed, and called on. Maybe someday they'll wake up and understand."

'cus you're the goddamned messiah.

Really, do I have to say anything to that? But here's a real good piece of dog and cat shit:

"Re: What is the Bad Webcomics Wiki?
Corsair Lafitte 27 Sep 2008, 14:19 GMT-07
I'm not so sure about the helping… I mean, if we do help, then great, but trying to help leads to the sort of touchy-feely bullshit the web comics community is already overflowing with. Whether you use curse words or not, criticism is criticism and only a person of hubris will focus on the style of the criticism instead of the meaning of it, and refuse the advice. In such, I feel it's best for us to be brutal and only act like we're honestly trying to help in order to rub in a point.

On the other hand, I don't want this to become a LULZ factory, like ED: while I love ED, I don't think that attitude is right for the site you're making here. We need to keep to the facts, but be brutal about it."

Read: I want to be an asshole. Just a destructive, unfunny asshole. I want to be brutal, like a spouse beater or serial killer!

But wait! There's more! It seriously gets worse!

"As for Solomon, I'm describing exactly what he did, but I don't really want to honor him. For one thing, it would be pathetic to just be the trailing shadow of his memory, never as good, but also… he did abandon us, and for no real reason. He just got up one day and decided "fuck them all, the good and the bad, I'm not even telling them". Well, we lingered and we talked among ourselves, and now… we don't need him anymore."

JOHN FUCKING SOLOMON IS NOT YOUR BITCH. Mother of God, did I really read that right? I...I gotta be reading that crazy shit wrong...

"I'd rather just sit around and bitch all day, actually."

Oh. Well, you fuck, you repulsive wad of fucking horse jizz. As full of hate that I am, if I ever doubt my humanity, I only need look at you, you goddamn sociopath. "Hey, I might throw acid in people's faces when they criticize the child pornography I sell to fund my acts of terrorism on Mr. Rogers' family, but at least I'm still not as bad as this guy!"

And years late, John fucking Solomon shat right back on The Bad Webcomics Wiki. Karmic retribution had been carried out, the cycle of death and rebirth continued unobstructed, and John Solomon returned to his mountain lair to sleep. His time had passed, and the throne of the great lord who calls out the world's stupid bullshit is empty.

I'll do whatever I please and laugh in your fat, stupid faces if you complain. I am not here to dance for your amusement, you pissants. I am here to impart one singular truth: your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad.
-John fucking Solomon

This was also where John Solomon's reviews were archived when their spirits went to Valhalla. Solomon got fed up with the cretinous sychophants fans who seemed oblivious to the fact he hatedcretinous sychophants fans who attached themselves to something popular without understanding anything but the most simple, cheapened, watered down version of what the thing they were attaching themselves to was (in this case, "MEAN MAN SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT POOPOO COMICS, LAWLZ!"). Upon looking at what had become of his creation, he shed a single manly tear and destroyed everything with the power of infinite hate.

Yeah, deleting a blog is exactly like that.

And then he found The Bad Webcomics Wiki.

"ATTN: REMOVE MY CRAP

MY FUCKING CRAP

YOUR FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WIKI

NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET
yours cordially,
John Solomon"

"But derpy derp!" said the angry kids engaged in a circlejerk of hate and negativity around Solomon's bound and gagged reviews Bad Webcomics Wiki, "He wouldn't say such a thing so bluntly and tactlessly! It's not like he said he is not here to dance for our amusement or anything very similar to that! We're just like him, after all! Being a complete jerkass who just shits on piles of shit equals comedy gold! Herpity derpity derp!"

So they poked and they prodded and demanded that this guy takes time out of life to appease them. They were John Solomon's chosen ones. After all, the wiki was first established a few months after Solomon's official retirement from not being a dancing monkey for the very people he hated, and they had kept the moldy old remains of ruined fun secure in their vault.

Solomon was not amused.

"Because your wiki is an abomination scrawled by the slovenly hands of ignorant cretins who don't understand the basics of what they're even supposed to be doing. It's a gallery of hooting shit-slingers who have been dredged up from the Internet's cavernous backside. If there's anyone on there who approaches the subject matter as anything but an excuse to reach for low-hanging fruit and clumsily mash together expletives and slurs, I have yet to find them.

I deleted my blog for a reason, and the last thing I want is for my follies to be glorified on your trainwreck. It repulses me to think that you're idealising a fictional persona I have come to loathe. In short, I don't like you, and I don't want to be associated with you.

There's your elaboration."

Pictured: A ridiculous overexaggeration of a former minor internet celebrity schooling a bunch of caustic critic wannabe punks

And how did Bad Webcomics Wiki react, you ask? (Please read the following in a whiny, snivelling voice for comedic effect.)

"after reading that shitstorm he's not a candidate for admiration anymore, to say the least…"
-Forcedjapanesename, Angry Mode with Can't Take The Heat Shield activated

"Nobody gives a shit about Fuego Fish, he is not the be-all and end-all of this site and we can go on without him. Many webcomics people discredit our site because of the connection anyway, and Solomon is (like it or not) really just another sheltered Something Awful goon. He is not some webcomics messiah."
-Luigiian, being passive-aggressive and GODDAMN LIAR!

"You're wrong in one point, we do have an enemy: some pissed goon who used to have internet popularity, the lowest kind of popularity, and will inevitably fade into obscurity."
-Forcedjapanesename, Tantrum Mode with Can't Take The Heat Shield overcharging

"I simply don't agree with what he's said about the site. I never really cared for him,"
-Luigiian, GODDAMN LYING WHILE GOD STARES INTO HIS SOUL!

"In any case, while the manner in which he asked reeks of elitism, I can't say I disagree with him wanting his stuff remain unseen. It IS his work, and as such, has some rights on where and when to show it. Wether others hear that request depends on their upbringing and douche scale. I'm glad to be part of a place that is above fighting childishly."
-Drvm, true American and ANOTHER GODDAMN LIAR!

"While I do understand from an artist's view that past work is almost always crappy, I think he could of gone about this with some tact instead of acting like some spoiled 16 year old piece of shit. Well, it was nice to know you John, nice to know that you've got a personality like that of an immature angry bull with a spike that was recently lodged into it's skull affecting it's reasoning center along with several rattlesnakes firmly latched onto it's sack."
-PhillipC, copying and pasting what someone said about him with his name replaced with Solomon's

"That makes no fucking sense. Why make a wildly popular blog then flip out at people who like it?"
-Genkigami, clearly never reading fucking word the man ever said, not knowing how popularity works, and thinking popularity is more important than self-fucking-respect

Now take a moment to look through the reviews and see every time they bitched about a webcomic creator not being able to take criticism, then read their reactions again. Internet, you got a wacky picture for this?

S'yeah, The Bad Webcomics Wiki is really just a bunch of shallow angry kids who think being a complete jerk who bashes everything and is so emotionally crippled that you're incapable of having a meaningful relationship is exactly the same as being funny. Which it is, of course.

And with that, Solomon soared off into the heavens above to seal demons into the Clavicula Salomonis.

That scroll translates into "There's nothing funny about aiming as low as possible and bashing the easiest target, you fucking tools.

Learn your ass a lesson here, Children of Man: Being an asshole isn't funny in and of itself, and none are above being criticized.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

...Hmm? No, this has nothing to do with some nutbag shooting a politician. This has to do with an entirely different nutbag. This has to do with that stalker idiot boy returning!

Seriously, who's this much a fucking loser? Who wakes up and goes "Hey, rather than do anything not fucking retarded, how 'bout I go bug exactly one and only one person in a place where no one else is?" Who does that? It's like swimming out to a desert island where there's this shipwreck survivor, and every day, you just run around and bug him by acting like a fucking weirdo. Dear lord, if only there was a Superman cover that accurately expresses how I feel...

Pictured: Printed media's first confusingly idiotic troll.

See, this is the shit I'm dealing with! I used to think Superman was really overracting, but now, it makes total sense! I mean, what the fuck?! Who thinks this shit's funny?! Who doesn't look at this guy and think he's king of the retards?!

And this asshole isn't even trying that hard. I mean, it's blatantly obvious it's him. He isn't trying. At all. Why would someone do this? I mean, I can just delete it, so...what's the point? It's like sticking pennies in your goddamn ears to piss off Superman! It just makes you look like some retard with nothing better to do with your life!

Before you say anything else, you weird little fuck, take a look at that picture. See that asshole? Do you think he has any friends? Do you think he won't end up being beaten half to death by some thug because he went up to the guy and went "Lookie, lookie! I'm putting over 9,000 pennies in my ears, desu! Milhouse isn't a meme, amirite?!"? No. No, let me tell you about the Prankster: He was a stupid asshole with no friends, his family hated him, Mrs. Buttersworth was his imaginary wife, he lived in a dumpster, he ate garbage, he slept in a bed of his own feces, he drove a pretend car made of dog farts, he sucked his own dick, he died of breast cancer, and they threw his dead body into the sewer. The Prankster was a walking abortion who always had pennies in his goddamn ears and peace came to the Middle East when he died. The end.

That's your life, kid. Quit being a fucking weirdo, quit jerking it to Mrs. Buttersworth, take the pennies out of your goddamn ears, and stop getting breast cancer.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hearing that they turned ancient, forbidden texts into cute li'l anime girls, that gave me the best idea for a loli harem comedy ever: Kawaii Bible Chan! See, some lovable loser who's as Japanese as can possibly be- regardless of where the story takes place- goes looking for the original version of the Bible or some crap like that. But as it turns out, the original versions of modern day religious texts are actually fuckin' lolis! Bible-chan's all cute and sweet and constantly used as a tool for people's agendas, Torah-chan is the shy nerdy one who controls the banks and media, and of course, Quran-chan is the tsunderetreated with the upmost respect. And they all move in with this guy and have wacky-ass adventures revolving around accidently looking like a pervert!