Q & A

So, I decided against auditioning for the avant garde, Kafka-esque, possibly-involving-my-bare-ass play for the following reasons:

The auditions are on Monday. I was told on Thursday that I’d need to have a monologue. OK, not a huge deal, I can memorize something by then, EXCEPT:

The only guideline given for said monologue was to choose something that is “full of ideas” and “only uses language in an extended way.” And, uh, I am kind of a literal person over here, friends, and I had NO IDEA what the FUCK that meant;

The play? She was really weird. No, weirder than that. I gave some excerpts in the comments last time, but here are some more: “I want to eat your genitals and give birth to a tiger that will devour the time with which the clocks strike my empty heart…yesterday I began to kill you my heart/now I love/your corpse/when I am dead/my dust will cry out for you. I was to give you this birth for a present, little Victor, so that you can fill her with your rotten sperm.”

Not exactly “Hello, Dolly!”

(In other news, I can’t wait to see my Google stats this month.)

Anyhoo, after analyzing and re-analyzing my reasons and being absolutely sure that I wasn’t just chickening out, I told the producer I didn’t think this show was for me. She was totally understanding, especially considering that this would be my first project after a pretty large hiatus, and it just might be a better idea to ease back into acting with something a little less…rotten sperm-y. I know these kind of heavily abstract productions are not my strength, and BONUS! I got to feel all fancy by declining to audition, as if I was all in-demand and just too-too terribly busy with all my other theatrical engagements instead of the real reason, which was: ROTTEN SPERM.

Wonder if she’s ever turned down an audition for that reason?

But I DID sign up to audition for a different, more traditional production, which saves me from feeling like I have no prospects on the horizon. I just want to really enjoy whatever takes up my otherwise-spent-with-Sadie-and-Brad time, you know? And I don’t think that includes monologues about tiger-birthing.

On the other hand: AWWWWWW.

Moving on to the real topic of this post: Q&A. I decided it was high time you could ask me all those burning questions you SURELY have, Internet. Like “How can you sleep at night when you gank so many photos without permission?” and “You kiss your mother with that mouth?” or possibly even “What’s so wrong with sparkly pictures of the Jonas brothers?”

To which I will answer: “EVERYTHING.”

Q&A is, admittedly, less exciting than T&A, but hey, you could always get creative and submit to the Q&A about T&A. Just leave your questions in the comments, or email them to me if you’d rather be all private-like (jiveturkeyjones[at]gmail[dot]com). I was going to just update this entry with all the questions that are SURE to pour forth (HINT HINT HINTY HINT), but I think I’ll actually post them separately, so we can all leave that unfortunate quote from the Play About Splooge safely behind us.

Not to be confused with the Play About Scrooge, although I think I smell a fabulous idea for a Christmas-themed adult film.

Related

1. I googled “fill her with your rotten sperm” just so that you can someday say, “Somebody once found my sited by googling the phrase ‘fill her with your rotten sperm’.” You’re welcome.

2. Q: When there are so many places in the world (i.e. Paris, Hawaii, San Francisco, Calcutta, Mogadishu, etc.), why Pittsburgh?
It even has the word “Pit” in its name. Is there a wall around the city that prevents you from leaving? Does U-Haul not have a local branch? Do you have a court-ordered tracer cuffed to your ankle? Really, there must be a good reason. (Note: the word “Steelers” doesn’t qualify as a good reason.) Christ, the best museum you have is called “The Mattress Factory.” Has that not caught your attention?

I could go with intrusive: What is the single worst incident you remember from middle school, otherwise known as “the most awkward and miserable school years ever?”

I could go with funny: What’s your stripper name, assuming you were to, you know, BE a stripper?

I could go with profound: What’s the most surprising thing about motherhood?

But maybe I’ll just go with this one, inconsequential and yet always revealing: What do you eat when there’s no one around to see you? (Besides tuna casserole, which I know you make when Brad’s not home.)

Even though I know bits and pieces of the answer, I’m going to go ahead and second Simon’s question… particularly the part where you and HoST and WADoST (wicked adorable daughter) don’t just move to SF where I’d be deeeeelighted to baby-sitting swap, share recipes for delicious cocktails, have unbelievably delicious food together…

Are there any global problems that you find yourself worrying about when you aren’t reading/hearing/watching the news? Not what world issue you feel like you should care most about but which one you actually do care/worry most about.