(At Derek's birthday gathering, during his and Dale's presentation of Prestige Worldwide) Last week, we put Liquid Paper on a bee... And it died.

(Wearing a Nazi outfit, to some home buyers) Hey, fuckers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it; Close to 80 tons. (to Derek, after the home buyers leave) Hey, Derek! Sprechen Sie Dick?

(In regards to Robert and Nancy, who are retiring, selling their residence and having him and Dale live on their own as adults) Hold on; We're not going on the boat... Derek's selling the house... We have to go therapy? (Robert nods in response) WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?

(After singing for Dale, upon his request) I felt like I was hovering over my own body, watching myself sing.

Dale: (Also reads one) Yeah, I got them from the '70's, '80's and '90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

(Dale and Brennan, after Dale punched Derek)

Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

Derek: What?

Brennan: If you lick my butthole.

Dale: SNAP!!(He and Brennan do a high-five)

Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?

Brennan: It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!

Robert: You don't need permission from us to build bunkbeds. You're adults, you can do what you want.

Dale: So...?

Robert: I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a fuck; now you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunkbeds.

Dale: So...?

Brennan: We can..? No?

Nancy: Yes.

Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.

Dale: This is the funnest night ever!

Dale: (Regarding the job interviews that occurred) Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?

Nancy: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan: Oh, he did?

Nancy: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?

Dale: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan: It was not silent...

Dale: It just kept going...

Brennan: It got louder...

Dale: It made a sound. It was embarrassing...

Brennan: It got louder.

Sporting goods manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedo's to the interview, that's funny, it's ironic, I get that. Underplaying tho whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this, you know? You guys are in, you're hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it.

Sporting Goods manager: Is that onion? Onion and...onion and ketchup. It stinks. This is a small room...

Brennan: Shit.

Sporting Goods manager: Okay, now the tuxedos seem kinda fucked up.

(Robert is furious at Dale and Brennan for destroying his boat as they all come back home from Derek's birthday party.)

Dale: Dad, I can't believe you're being so stingy!

Nancy: Robert, come back down!

Brennan: It's a simple business decision!

Robert: You jagaloons! Your're failures! FAIL!...UUUURES!

Brennan: And you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!

Nancy: Brennan!

Brennan: Two things; you keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother! She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000!

Nancy: Oh, stop it! Stop it right now..!

Brennan: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...

Nancy: Brennan!

Brennan: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces SHIT!!!

Brennan: Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

Background voice: Boats and hoes, boats and hoes, I gotta have me my boats and hoes...

(At the Catalina Wine Mixer)

Randy: (To Brennan) Not bad. You're nailing it.

Brennan: Thanks, Randy. That means a lot.

Randy: Yeah. I don't know what it is, but I wanna deliver one of these (Holds up fist) right into your suckhole.

Brennan: Is there anything I can do?

Randy: No, not really. It's your face. Again, you're doing great, man, The Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time, having fun. You pulled it off...but if you don't change your face... I'm gonna change it for you.

Brennan: Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it...And I'll just do my best version of whatever I think that would be.

Randy: I don't even hear you, your face is driving me nuts.

Brennan: Thanks again, though.

Randy: (Distracted) Oh tits, hold on. (Walks away)

Nancy: Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Brennan: Mom, I honestly thought I was going to be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes, and at one point he said, "Let's get it on".

Dale: That was about the fighting! I'm so not a raper!

Dale: Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we like to go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.

Robert: (Thinks for a minute) We literally have never done any of those things.

(As Dale and Brennan are whispering to each other in bed)

Dale: The only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

Brennan: Who's the retard?

Dale: You.

Brennan: (Loudly) Hey ya'll don't say that!

Dale: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.

Brennan: (Softly) Just shut up.

Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.

Brennan: You're not a doctor... You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck.

Dale: (Turns towards Brennan) Oh, yeah?

Brennan: (Turns towards Dale) Yeah.

Dale: I'm a curly-headed fuck?

Brennan: Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face.

Dale: I hope you stay still when you sleep... because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.

Brennan: I'm gonna take a pillow case... and fill it... full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you. (Dale turns away from Brennan)

Dale: I want you out of my fucking house.

Brennan: No way, Kemosabe. This is my house now.

Dale: Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener...

Robert: Shut the fuck up!!

Brennan: Listen. Mom...Mr. Doback.

Robert: Don't call me Mr. Doback.

Brennan: Ok...Mom, Doback.

Brennan: I teabagged your drum set! Your drum set's a whore!

Dale: Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!

(Dale and Brennan have returned to the school playground, this time by helicopter, where they have come for their revenge on the children that once tortured them)

Gardocki: Well, if it isn't Dale Doback and his little butt-buddy.

Brennan: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I'm gonna kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!

Gardocki: LET'S GET THEM!! (The children and Dale and Brennan begin charging at each other, resulting in a fight)

(In the "Extended Version"; after Dale and Brennan had defeated the schoolchildren and Gardocki, who tries to run away, but is held back by Dale and Brennan)

Dale: Where do you think you're going?

Brennan: (with Dale) Huh?

Gardocki: Home.

Dale: We got something to show you.

Brennan: Come on. (Later, they torture Gardocki with white dog excrement, as Brennan is holding him by the neck) You see that white dog crap?!