When the Popular Compromise Can Backfire and What To Do Instead

When parents feel like they are constantly butting heads with their child, we often talk about using parenting tools that help our kids feel like we’re on their team. One popular way is to collaborate with our kids using a compromise.

We’ve told our kids repeatedly, “When we tell you to do something, you may say, ‘Yes, ma’am/sir,’ and go do it or ask for a compromise.”

In a perfect world, a compromise would replace a defiant, “You can’t make me go to bed! I’ll go when I want!” or a whiny, “I’m noooot tired, and my friends are still playing!” with “May I have 10 more minutes to finish up this game? Then I promise I will get ready for bed!”

But what about when you feel like you’ve moved from a battleground to being a doormat and your child is running your life?

Or what if you compromise and your child sees you as weak or uncaring and the challenging behaviors only escalate?

That’s what happened when we offered compromises to circumvent homework battles. Our child twisted that to mean that we actually didn’t care about her grades or her education because we decided to not care about whether or not homework got done. She couldn’t live with the rule…or without the rule.

It’s like you’re in between a rock and a hard place. You just can’t win! What a horrible feeling!

Watch this quick video for a couple tweaks you can make to stay off the crazy train and help your child get the structure he needs to feel safe without getting in a control battle.