living simply

motherhood

No no no, I am not being nice to anyone! I don’t want to either, I have had it enough! I am to sly about everything. I hate being the way I am, too nice to the people who are just strangers. So I guess you all can guess I had such a big big horrible day! My day has been everything else but pleasant, and this time it was not the customers who caused it but my supposedly superior who just shocked me off, blew me out and trampled on my already soft heart!

What I think of people is exactly not what people turned out to be and time and again I have been hurt, messed with and destroyed and yet I still try to be nice to all those fuckers who deserve nothing but a cold face!

So my day, he ruined it, saw me cry, made me despair, n had the joy watching me wilt out like a old flower, he told me I have no choice but to leave, of course I did not want that for me, as I was really looking forward to the new job in the new campaign and I’m still there asking for a option they could give me. And the reasons they give out, because my attendance is not great as I have got a sick daughter at home. And how are the rest of them able to manage? God knows! Simple reasons that can really be manipulated with and cause eruptions. Honestly I am so over it now after having it for one whole long day. I’m just going to start over again. I need to. I can’t do this anymore. If they can give me what I requested I more than happy and willing to work hard and move on and if not I am just going to have to leave. I have had it enough. I don’t want to cause myself a mental illness through something which isn’t even my fault. Because not everyone is perfect and no one can be either, we all have problems in our lives and there are huge mountains to cross and break through. I won’t let something so minor effect my life and destroy it! I am going to set it right and never go wrong with my beliefs.

No no no, I am not being nice to anyone! I don’t want to either, I have had it enough! I am to sly about everything. I hate being the way I am, too nice to the people who are just strangers. So I guess you all can guess I had such a big big horrible day! My day has been everything else but pleasant, and this time it was not the customers who caused it but my supposedly superior who just shocked me off, blew me out and trampled on my already soft heart!

What I think of people is exactly not what people turned out to be and time and again I have been hurt, messed with and destroyed and yet I still try to be nice to all those fuckers who deserve nothing but a cold face!

So my day, he ruined it, saw me cry, made me despair, n had the joy watching me wilt out like a old flower, he told me I have no choice but to leave, of course I did not want that for me, as I was really looking forward to the new job in the new campaign and I’m still there asking for a option they could give me. And the reasons they give out, because my attendance is not great as I have got a sick daughter at home. And how are the rest of them able to manage? God knows! Simple reasons that can really be manipulated with and cause eruptions. Honestly I am so over it now after having it for one whole long day. I’m just going to start over again. I need to. I can’t do this anymore. If they can give me what I requested I more than happy and willing to work hard and move on and if not I am just going to have to leave. I have had it enough. I don’t want to cause myself a mental illness through something which isn’t even my fault. Because not everyone is perfect and no one can be either, we all have problems in our lives and there are huge mountains to cross and break through. I won’t let something so minor effect my life and destroy it! I am going to set it right and never go wrong with my beliefs.

Hey Readers, yet another opportunity to write and share my thoughts as I move toward home base on an underground metro for another agonizing 30 minutes. Ok let’s put it this way, my day was great until I had to leave my little princess to go to work on a late shift which ends at 10pm 😦 I simply hate it! Otherwise my day has been amazing! I had my daughter to me the whole day like before, I miss those good old times and though I cringe and wish for them to come back forever I know it never is going to be that way ever again but today was one of those days I love. I spent ample amount of time with my daughter, managed to take her by bus and metro without having to use a trolley and gosh the excitement she had in her eyes, those are the moments I love to capture into my soul for the rest of my life, she has grown so big, she is going to be two years in two months time and damn the time passed so quickly I hardly ever realized she does everything I once wished 🙂 I know I am a bit of a happy mother though I don’t try to talk about it too much these days.

Anyway, my job has been great so far but (there is always a but in a job) 😉 don’t tell me I am not right. So yeah, the but that is bothering me and has become a pain in the downside is that I am really unable to do the shifts that I carry right now. Giving me less and no time to actually spend it on my self and my family. Being a family person I prefer to have a job where I don’t have to give in all my 200% effort and make time for my family as that is an important aspect of life. You can loose a job and find one but where on earth am I going to get a new family! Nah right? So I spoke to my manager , almost in tears , darn did I had to show my emotional side to my cute looking boss, to whom I stumble a lot when I speak to him, oh man the eye contact has been bit of a concern now, I try not to lower my eyes to his eyes when I speak to him, wonder if that is because I think he is cute or because he is my boss! Lol, never mind! I will never figure that one out! So yeah back to the point I made, I asked him for a part time and it was all agreed THREE weeks ago that he would let me start with a new campaign in a week and now it has been three weeks and I am still doing the same thing which I dislike. Honestly, I am not sure if I can handle it one more week, I am going to be patient and wait till the month ends and then ask him one last time before I make that final move. So now, should I stay or should I go? Is what I ask myself everyday when I leave to office each day !

I love the job and hope they give me what I want so I can do my part and get this moved with!

Alright peeps! Thanks for stopping by and reading yet another miserable day’s story. Until next time!

I always wanted to start writing to you. To buy a box and write letters and store them in the cabinet so when you turn 16 I could let you read all of them. I wanted to start writing to you on your first birthday. But hey there is never a auspicious time!

You have turned 20 months already! How time flies away! It seemed like just yesterday when you were born and how I held you in my arms for a long long time. I still recall the fresh smell from your newborn skin. You were so tiny.

Now that you are 20 months, I am no longer able to hold you like I once did because you are all grown up. You are a toddler and with no comparison to any. Every time you take a new leap in your growth I am the most happiest! There were times when I wanted you to walk, eat, talk and now you do all of that with such perfection. I enjoy you with all my heart. You are the most loved in my life.

You are my life changing experience. How I love you so unconditionally without having to think twice. How au naturale! I enjoy every bit of time I spend with you. Playing with your toys, taking you to park, seeing you communicate in your baby language to the other kids, how you say hello to every passer by while we do our evening strolls, how you enjoy our food time, bathing is always fun? Isn’t it? And the after bath is the like having to catch you while you run away, or either try eating your bum cream, or licking your hands off the body lotion! And dressing up is like dressing a doll. I take immense pleasure in dressing you and the moment you run to the mirror to have a look at how you look. And pull out your tied rubber bands from your hair so I gotta redo it all over again! You are such a wonderful little girl. Still my adorable little girl and no one can ever change that! Forever!

There are still so many new experiences that will come your way. New challenges that you would face! And I’m here with you, to walk hand in hand. To help you achieve your goals further, to lift you up when you fall, to laugh with you when your happy and make you stay strong in your sorrows. I will always be your guardian angel. Guiding you, helping you, showing you the light!

Always remember mommy loves you the most and will do anything to see you brighten up! Looking forward to a very long journey in our life!

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday! And I am here sitting in the forested park alone, trying to fight back those tears from falling so the passer bys won’t find me awkward. I cried for a full ten minutes and realised my tears would not come out anymore. All I have is grief, pain and some terrible accusations from my partner. Sitting here clock ticking to 9:30pm and mosquitoes biting the shit of me, I am thinking if really I am what my partner accused of me to be? If I am, how come I am not cold hearted, how come I can’t hold back those tears, then why do I feel the pain? I must have done something wrong to feel so miserable. Usually when there is a fight, I know I cannot control my temper and blurt out few unnecessary things I don’t mean! But to my awe does my partner also blurt out stuff he does not mean? Like I am not a good mother? I have been living the life of a motherhood leaving all the other fantasies behind for the past 19 months without close family near by nor any friends whom I can make a family from! Just me and my soul to whom I can ask questions to when I get frustrated and sad. My life isn’t all what I just described, there are days I am so content with my whole life especially raising my daughter whom I love the most. She has become my only strength when I fall. I have been 15 minutes away from her and my curiosity level has build to a level where I just want to go be beside her while she sleeps peacefully as the night grows. I am so upset that today is when I am supposed to be celebrating the day may be sipping on wine, having a date night with my love, having a fun day with my baby! But I guess all those birthday desires are not relevant anymore. I hate being in the dark, but I feel I got no one else to whom I can share this pain to. No one I put put my shoulder on and cry my grief out. Life has been really unfair! Should I begin a new chapter? Should I leave all this behind and find a true salvation? Leave the pain and find happiness? But where should I begin and how should I ? I wish I had a manual to my life to make it easy.