Parents, What Expectations Are We Setting for the Holidays?

Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.

“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”

Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.

As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.

And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.

I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.

When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.

When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.

We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.

We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.

We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.

Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.

Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.

But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”

A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:

“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”

The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”

I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”

We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.

Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.

This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.

Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.

About Joshua Becker

Writer. Inspiring others to live more by owning less.WSJ Bestselling author of The More of Less.

Comments

Would like to hear your suggestions concerning grandkids . Especially as they become teens . I often feel that mine only want money from us and that is when we are given any attention or hear from them . I can only see this getting worse . Is this a problem for other grandparents ?

Following… my dad and I send gifts/cash (sometimes a gift certificate for an experience, such as skiing) to our granddaughters/nieces and rarely ever hear that they received it, let alone a thank you. Not only does this make us a bit sad, but it makes us feel like ATMs. This year, Dad and I are teaming up to send a goat and a rabbit to a family in need via Heifer International in the kids’ names. We’ll see how that goes over… but they are 13 and we think it is time they think of others. Too heavy handed?

Coming from a different perspective . . . It’s been over 20 years since we asked our family to NOT give our children presents, as so much ‘junk’ ended up at our house out of Christmas ‘obligation’. We explained to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends that we are so blessed & have so much, and we would prefer it if they gave money to their favourite charity instead. Yes, we did receive lots of negative backlash at the time (how can you ‘deprive’ your children) but over the years some of them have mellowed and have started doing the same thing! Our children (we have 9 of them, ranging in age from 10 – 27) definitely do NOT feel deprived, and they have hearts that love to give to those who are less fortunate than themselves – and not just on one day a year – they have learned the importance of giving 12 months a year! One of their favorite charities is Gospel for Asia.

I think this is a good conversation to have/start with the kids’ parents. As the parent of a young child, I would 100% want someone to approach me if they felt that my kids weren’t being thankful for things they received. And sometimes life gets busy and as parents, we get busy and forget to help remind our kids that writing thank you notes (or emails) or to verbally say thank you with a special phone call, those are all important parts of giving and receiving. When we were kids, my parents always would take a photo of us with a gift and then we could send it to the giver with a “thank you.” As we got older, when we would receive money, it was important that we write to the giver to let them know what we planned to do with the money and to say thank you. I hope to make sure this is instilled in my own kids, but if for some reason I was falling down on the job as a parent, I would hope that the giver would gently remind me with a “I just wanted to check in because I didn’t hear if Sally received her gift or what she might be planning to use it for – I would love to hear more about what exciting things she will do.” That type of thing :)

When I send money to a teenager, I am certain they will enjoy spending it. I don’t need to know what they did with it. I imagine they used it to go shopping or to a movie. They might have spent it on their favorite brand of vodka. I’ve no idea, and I don’t care. If I want to talk to them and find out what they did with it, I text them. To use a Christmas gift (e.g. buying a goat) to teach a lesson to a teenager is ridiculous. You are only teaching them that you are vindictive. If they asked for you to buy the goat, then that is a different story. Christmas is about kindness and love. If you need validation (thank you cards) when you give a gift, then that is another issue entirely. Give expecting nothing in return. Give just to give. Also, anyone upset when they don’t get thank you cards, make sure you send one every time you get a gift.

It’s not about validation, it’s about basic manners. Someone took the time to think about you and give you a gift and the proper respectful response is to say thank you. It doesn’t have to be a long handwritten letter on fancy stationery, but at the very least a thank you call, text, or email.

Sandy, others: People tell me kids make demands, few are thankful or polite and want expensive gifts like electronic devices. Parents spoil their kids and cater to their every demand 24/7. Couple next door with two g’kids and they want pricey stuff. Nieces, nephews likewise. Wasn’t the way I grew up, we didn’t have black Fri. or all this crazy commercialism like last few decades. Everyone wrote thank you notes for those gifts sent out of the area, or even across town. Many gifts were home made incl decorations.

When we met as a family at Thanksgiving, the cousins would pick a name of a cousin out of a hat and that is who they would buy a gift for. Therefore each child received one gift each. The adults did not exchange gifts. The adults also started giving white elephant gifts to each other for a fun activity as well as playing other large group games. It made the get together more fun and presents weren’t the main activity. The children could observe that the adults could have fun without receiving gifts.

What a great idea! I love the idea that the kids exchange gifts with each other. Definitely suggesting this to my family for future holidays. The adults in my family do a gag gift/gift card exchange too. It quickly became a favorite tradition.

Over the past few years as our kids and their cousins reached the age of 18, they became part of our Christmas Family Swap (buy one gift, receive one gift). This worked well for a number of years, but some of us started to feel even this was too much. A lot of the gifts ended up being joke gifts, funny for a moment, then either thrown away or donated, or so cheaply made that it broke. I hated spending good money on disposable gifts and adding to the pollution of our world in so many ways! This year, all of us are writing our favorite charity on a piece of paper, then drawing one, which we will then donate the money that we would have spent on the swap gift in one lump sum to that charity.

Perhaps I should have had that conversation with my 5 year old last year. My brother’s family got the kids a zoo membership. My son was sorely disappointed, but I think it had to do with his age and his interest in physical toys. As for the goat idea above, I don’t think it’s ridiculous, but I think it would have to be discussed ahead of time. It’s an extremely mature selfless gift…but might end up meaningless unless the giftee is able to purchase it from the organization themselves. I think it’s about the process, too.

We do Santa differently at our house… “he” brings only one gift; and it is always something simple & handmade… if it cannot be “made” in his workshop, then he cannot bring it. Because… Santa does not have the capacity to make Nintendo / Lego / etc. brand-name toys in his workshop ;) Our children have no expectation for Santa. They do not think that he is a “miracle-worker” or that he can bring them whatever they ask for. “Santa” chooses what he wants to bring them, and they know nothing else.

They know full well that all of the gifts under the tree (with the exception of Santa’s homemade gift) come from mom & dad and that we work very hard to be able to buy gifts for them.. We only give three gifts per child – usually, two things they “want” & one thing they “need”. Their stockings are filled with useful items that are regularly used.. such as, school & craft supplies (we homeschool), consumables, etc.

We set up the majority of our Christmas decorations last night, but I hadn’t figured out where to hang the stockings yet. After reading this, I think I’ll skip stockings this year. I hadn’t thought about how putting stockings up led to an expectation that they be filled or have something in them– but that’s exactly what hanging them would do! I’ve already bought almost all of the gifts that I intend to buy this year, and none of them are even stocking-sized… so hanging stockings would just mean buying more “filler” gifts. No thanks.

I love seeing the stockings stuffed, but we grew up with Santa filling them with oranges and nuts and a few choice chocolates. I never felt cheated as a child that there wasn’t “more” to it and I plan to still do this with our new little one.

Thank you for this post and very interesting to read the comments as well. As every year, I feel overwhelmed when thinking about the pile of presents under the tree. We give our children one gift each. But… Grandparents and cousins are all about consuming and buy several gifts each. I have tried to explain there are too many presents but so far it did not help (or maybe there would have been even MORE gifts otherwise). How do you others manage this issue?

I love this! The child’s expectations makes all the difference. My child’s birthday is on Christmas so this time of year can create a huge influx of stuff. We will be visiting family in NY over Christmas this year and I don’t think it’s practical to cart a bunch of presents there and back. So I only got her an American girl doll, some doll accessories, and a book. I feel that’s enough. People often ask me if she feels short changed having her birthday on Christmas. At the point she loves it! However if it changes to where her focus is on how much she’s getting, I feel that I must not be raising her with the right values. The expectations that the parent(s) set and the values they hold as a family makes a big difference this time of year.

My daughter will be eight years old at the end of December and still believes (mostly) in Santa. Visiting Santa downtown, writing him a letter, hanging our stockings by the fireplace, leaving cookies out on Christmas Eve (and carrots for the reindeer) are all part of our Christmas traditions. That said, my husband and I purchase very few Christmas gifts for our daughter compared to what other children receive. We buy small gifts for her year round, and therefore she does not expect to receive a mountain of gifts on Christmas morning. We also practice “one in, one out” when it comes to toys; we just finished a big purge in anticipation of the holidays. Our home is only 800 square feet so we curate all the time. It’s part of life for all of us. We also have asked grandparents and other family members to buy her only one gift (if they must) or make a contribution to her college fund. For the most part they oblige! As a family, we also purchase gifts for foster children in our community. If we can, we select foster children who are a similar age to my daughter. Finally, my husband and I only exchange one gift each on Christmas morning. All of these strategies have helped us to manage exceptions of holiday gift giving.

Re: unreasonable expectations – My husband and I stopped giving gifts to our nieces. The last straw after years of unreasonable, several-hundred-dollar-an-item expensive demands put out by their parent(s) was when their father threw a tantrum on Christmas day one year about the just-opened gifts (they were multiple, age-appropriate, fun little-kid books). Apparently we weren’t spending enough or buying enough items for them and frankly it just wasn’t good enough for them in so many ways.

The girls themselves were too young to be personally appreciative and it was pretty clear their massively entitled parents weren’t going to be teaching them good manners as they got older, and we were tired of being hounded to spend more money than we could afford or would be appropriate just for stuff’s sake. So we quit. Sometimes I miss the chance to be the “fun aunt” with the fun presents, and I worry the kids won’t think we like them because we don’t “prove it”, but it was absolutely the right choice given the recurring unreasonable demands of their parents.

It wasn’t the little kids with the raging Christmas expectations, not yet. But they were certainly being set a poor example, and I expect they’ll grow into massively entitled teens demanding piles of pricey gifts from extended family if they take after their raising. And it won’t be at all their fault they were brought up that way.

Maybe it is also the age. My son is 14. When my husband and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said “Nothing. I’m very lucky and grateful for what I already have.”

I do not know what I’ve done differently, as a parent to have him respond that way. Perhaps it was our very lean years (I was a single mom since he was 2) his first few years of life. For the last 4 years he’s requested things like “a nice meal at home” or “spend more time with my friend” or “visit family.”

We’ve been working towards becoming minimalists for a little bit now, but this last year we’ve pushed it a little harder. (My husband and son do not call it being a minimalist. They just figure we live differently than other people.) We all have a capsule wardrobe (including my son). We’ve been working hard to de-own and de-clutter, each month focusing on something new. He recently decluttered/deowned things from his own room. He prefers experiences over things. We are trying to think of a Christmas gift to give ourselves this year that we would all enjoy – that is experience based. I believe over the next few years we will evolve towards having traditions that celebrate being together, rather than giving presents.

I completely agree that we set the expectation for what Christmas means. Our daughter is two and we are very conscious about discussing how Christmas is for giving instead of receiving. Making edible gifts for the family together, adopting a child in need and shopping for presents together for them, asking santa for one thing… which surprisingly she just naturally did, going through our toys and seeing what we don’t play with anymore that we could give to someone who needs it. We tried to express to family to just get one gift and recommended experiences like swimming lessons or music class. Hoping this helps for the future to put the focus elsewhere. We shall see!!

Great post! Thank you! We have 3 kids in the 7 to 4 age range and have been working toward minimalism for about 9 months. I had tremendous anxiety about Christmas this year. I was worried they would be disappointed. I read all these minimalism pintrest Christmas list posts about … Something you want, need, etc etc and it just did not feel right for us. We did not need more books and they needed nothing I am sure the kids wants could go on for days. I didn’t want to buy to buy or to fit a list that was not mine. It took a lot of thought to figure out what made sense and work for our family. I was even worried about all the Christmas events and activities. I really had to make sure all the things we’re doing and giving were not adding stress or mess. We decided not to participate in white elephant gift exchanges but attend some of the gatherings. None of us felt like we missed out. In the end, my husband and I felt like we enjoyed things so much more this year. It was simpler and we all had a great Christmas, but it took a lot of thought and an understanding that we did not have to what everyone else was doing. We did what worked for us.

This was the first year my kids were old enough to begin to understand Santa. I found it very weird to explain and wondered why I was even doing it? In the end we explained that Santa brings only 1-2 things because all the kids need toys. Santa also does NOT bring things because you are good. Santa brings things because Christmas is a time to think about other people, and Santa’s job is to think about all the kids…whether they behaved well or not. Also, Santa and the elf are not watching all the time…that is just creepy.

Our main problem is getting the grandparents to cut back on the gifts….a problem of privilege, I suppose!