I'm going to review this as a screenplay, because if I reviewed this as a story, there would be a whole bunch of errors.

Overall nice job, bold the names maybe next time so it is easier to see whose talking, other than that good, nice job keeping me interested.

However this is in the wrong category, you should bring this to the Play part of FictionPress because that is where all the plays and screenwrite stories go, if you put it in action, people might get ticked because they are looking for stories, not play's or movies.

Anyway, good work.

Nice job!

Review Game Review Marathon final day, check it out! (link on my profile)