George and Susan Rutherford had the idea to start a group for parents of LGBTQ youth when their son came out as gay about three years ago.

At first, it was just the Burlington-based couple meeting and hoping others would join. The first time another set of parents came, Susan Rutherford knew they were onto something.

"Everything changed for me that day," she said. "After I heard that mother describing what it was like for her, I just felt more peaceful. It felt like I wasn't the only one going through this, that we were a normal couple with a normal kid."

The support group, now called Queer Care group and hosted through Outright Vermont, is a monthly gathering in Burlington for parents and adult family members of LGBTQ youth across Vermont. It serves as a resource for families navigating the complexities of gender and sexuality in adolescence.

There is another group specifically for parents of transgender youth, but the two discuss similar issues and have overlapping members.

"I know it seems like we've moved ahead so much, but when you have a child who's queer it doesn't feel like it's moved ahead fast enough," Susan Rutherford said. "Even in Burlington, there are still some challenges."

When Jessica Kell's child entered middle school two years ago in Burlington, she knew that they would face the usual challenges of adolescence — puberty, bullying, the desire to fit in.

However, it was also around that same time that Kell's child began identifying as a male. When she approached the school about having an openly transgender child, she was first met with confusion.

"They weren't really thinking that this was an issue middle schoolers faced," she said.

She turned to other parents and Outright Vermont employees to work with school officials on updating curriculum that was heteronormative, or presenting a viewpoint in which heterosexuality was dominant or promoted as normal or preferred.

"It's more than saying there are policies against bullying," Kell said. "Health class is very heteronormative, so is history."

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Desks in a Burlington High School classroom.(Photo: Free Press File)

The Rutherford's faced another heteronormative challenge — their son wanted to share a hotel room on a high school overnight trip with his female friends, which was against district rules.

"He didn't think anything of it," Susan Rutherford said. "All the parents involved were 100 percent okay with it but because there was a school rule it wasn't okay."

Susan Rutherford remembers being terrified when her son told her he would be going to prom with a boy from another school.

"We didn't know what that high school felt like, and we were nervous," she said. "I think I told him to bring pepper spray."

She and her husband turned to Queer Care for advice and support leading up to the event.

"You're able to hear other people's dilemmas or challenges or joys, and that helps you go be a better parent," George Rutherford said. "Someone told us to talk with both of them together before the event, and that really helped."

The night turned out well in the end, after weeks of anxiety.

"People ended up being super supportive and it was a good experience," Susan Rutherford said.

Kell is looking forward to her child attending different summer camps, one of which is through Outright, although she still worries about locker rooms and bullying.

"They aren't going to have to explain anything about who they are," she said. "The world around them isn't always inclusive, but Outright provides queer and trans spaces."

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A look at a bulletin board at Outright Vermont. Many are filled with positive messages and mementos.(Photo: ABBEY GINGRAS / FREE PRESS)

Kell chooses to use they as a pronoun to describe her child, although she said they are also okay with he/him.

George and Susan Rutherford know there will be more challenges to come as their son prepares to enter his final year of high school before heading off to college, and the group continues to be a place of support for them.

"You're scared sometimes," Susan Rutherford said. "Like afraid in the sense of wondering if you're doing the right thing. Am I going to mess my kid up? And somehow hearing it from a trusted friend, which we're all friends in the group now, is different."

Being there for a child

Susan Rutherford is confident that the group meets a need for parents and caregivers that no book or website could.

"What a group does that a book doesn't do is listen to you," she said. "You're not searching for information, because you're not going to find your child in a book with his intricacies and the ins and outs of his life."

Much of the group discussion centers around how different families handled unfamiliar situations — coming out to extended family members, school transitions, learning new language about gender and sexuality.

Every child and family situation is unique, but that's important for broadening understanding, according to George and Susan Rutherford.

"We have parents who come without their partner or spouse; we have people come to meetings where one parent knows about their child and the other doesn't; we have people who come who haven't told their siblings or parents or other children," George Rutherford said.

"It's a safe place where you can come regardless of where you're at in terms of your feelings about your child coming out," Susan Rutherford said. "That's why this group is so important — we're not just a bunch of like-minded people who feel exactly the same thing. It's about meeting the person where they're at."

Beyond learning something new every time she goes to Queer Care, Susan Rutherford believes just attending once a month is important for her family.

"I think the fact that we go every month, and that our child knows we go every month, I can't help but think that he knows that we deeply care about him and that we take raising him seriously," she said.

Her husband agreed.

"We're in this for our kids, we're doing it to be better parents — that's the bottom line."