FAQ

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The 9 biases of KPOPALYPSE

Today Anti Kpop-Fangirl's affiliation with k-pop discussion forum site OneHallyu
has gained my attention. This seems like a great move to me, because
OneHallyu is a useful resource for k-pop fans. However, the affiliation
has alerted me to a curious misconception that some OneHallyu users
have about Anti Kpop-Fangirl (despite a FAQ existing to address exactly such misconceptions):

As well as confirming a commonly-shared reader preference:

So
it's in the interests of "giving the people what they want", that I now
present to you my k-pop bias list.

My sharing of this list should hopefully accomplish
the following:

1. It will demonstrate that I as an Anti
Kpop-Fangirl author do not hate k-pop idols by default, and in fact I
don't hate ANY k-pop idols - how can I hate someone I don't even know?
That's just dumb.

2. Those of you whose biases align with mine may uncover fresh fap material.

3.
Those of you whose biases do not align with mine might get incredibly
butthurt about who I consider to be attractive and make some ridiculous
posts (as if someone else is not allowed to have a different opinion to
yours on the very personal matter of sexual preference), and I will find
this amusing.

4. Some dopey person with feminist pretensions
might comment about how I'm objectifying women which might give me some
great material for a future blog where I rip your superficial argument
to shreds in about three sentences (but probably more, knowing me).

I
consider this a win/win/win/win. Let's get started, starting from the
hottest (according to me ahem) first because why keep you in suspense.

1. RAINA (AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL)

You knew it had to be Raina, I don't exactly keep my Raina-fetish a secret. But why her? Inquiring minds want to know:

I'll
be honest - Raina rarely takes a good photo, especially in After School
where she's constantly shoehorned into concepts that don't suit her
look. She's not overly photogenic even in ideal conditions and is best
appreciated while moving, like in this super-cute CF for some festival
or whatever bullshit:

And this interview:

And Orange Caramel's fetish-friendly MVs:

This
section on Raina took me about two hours to write, by the way - I kept
getting distracted and replaying the videos over and over. I hope you
appreciate the effort it took me to get this far through the blog post.

I'm
going to keep using this photo of Raina too because it's so great.
What a cute and smug-looking little chipmunk. I want to make a hole in
the tree outside my place and move her in there.

2. EUNJUNG (T-ARA)

T-ara's
Eunjung on the other hand synergises perfectly with the camera lens and
simply cannot take a bad photo. The only times she looks awkward is in
the very few photos of her that exist with long hair (which just doesn't suit her - Eunjung was born for short hair) or awkward and unnecessary waist Photoshop that overemphasises her already-broad shoulders. Other than that, she can do no wrong.

Even
with her tongue half hanging out like in every second picture of her
ever she still looks thoroughly boneable. The fact that a k-pop girl
can have basically the same physique as f(x)'s Amber and still look this
good and climb up to the #2 position on my bias list shows that she's
just got "it", whatever "it" is. Maybe it's that super cute smile.
Maybe it's that habitual tongue thing as I do have a bit of a thing for
tongue things. Or maybe it's the thought that she may have sexily
bullied Hwayoung in CCM's secret underground jelly arena, pulling her
awkwardly through the translucent slime by her hair while frequently
slipping and inadvertently tearing her own undergarments... it's always
the bad girls that are the sexiest.

Why do you think every other fucking k-pop song ever is called "Bad Girl" or "Bad Girls" or "Good Girl, Bad Girl"
and none of them are called "Good Girl Who Stays Good?" Way to get
yourself on my bias list, Eunjung you sexy (alleged with extremely weak
strawman evidence that would last all of 30 seconds in a courtroom
before being laughed out by any rational person ahem) bully, you. Even
seriously de-glam she looks amazing.

I suddenly feel like leaping into this photo and grabbing those two round, firm eggs. Guess I must be hungry.

3. SULLI (F(X))

Sulli,
like a lot of girls on this list, also isn't someone with a body type
that I traditionally like, but shit like that doesn't matter when you
have a face cute enough to compensate for any such shortfalls, and then
some. She's also apparently a rude bitch who doesn't give much of a fuck about anything
which of course makes me like her even more, because I can certainly
relate to that. Fuck all those stupid nice ladies in groups, nasty
girls have way more personality and style, plus they're better in bed. You'll find that this is a recurring theme on this list.

Sulli
also has a weird eye asymmetry thing going on, her left eye has a bit
of a lazy eyelid (which has probably been shopped a bit in this photo,
but it's much more noticeable in the next photo down). This is hot;
subtle imperfections are sexy and reinforce the idea that you're fapping
over a person and not a CGI creation. Not that there's anything wrong
with fapping over Hatsune Miku
or whatever if that's what floats your boat but k-pop fans should be
able to do a bit better than that with the ample resources at their
disposal.

Sulli
is probably also the only person in the history of Korean idol pop
since the genre's inception to make a duckface in a selca and still look
hot and shaggable and not like a complete fucking idiot who should be
bashed in the face with a shovel. I think that's an achievement worthy
of some bias points all on its own.

4. SEUNGHEE (F-VE DOLLS)

It's
a good thing for me that CEO of Core Contents Media and loveable figure
of fun KKS doesn't listen to a fucking word any of you people say, or
he would have hung himself from a bridge by now, and may not have lived
long enough to keep tinkering with his groups like a mad scientist.
This is good because the latest thing he's done to F-ve Dolls besides
fuck both their name and concept up by making them a six-piece is
introduce to their lineup one of the most smoking hot ladies in all of
k-pop.

Seunghee
is so hot that she has to put her hand over her vag in this photo or
you might see some inner thigh and have a heart attack from the fucking
hotness.

You'll
have to forgive the somewhat shit quality of these scans - I couldn't
find many decent quality large size pictures of Seunghee for this blog
given how nugu she is, so I just scanned in the photocards from my copy
of the "First Love" mini-album - and my scanner isn't exactly top of the
range so it leaves shitty horizontal lines everywhere. If you've got
better quality versions of the first two images, let me know.

Sunny
is Girls' Generation's equivalent of 2NE1's Dara in the sense that
she's probably been styled flatteringly in about 5% of all her MVs and
public appearances, but unlike Dara she has a cute face and actual boobs
and I would bring the boys out all over that cleavage. It's enough to
make someone thirsty.

Of
course her short height is adding significantly to the impression of
bustiness, but that's okay. This is k-pop where true bustiness
unaffected by padding is rare so I'll take what I can get. Let's not
look a gift Sunny in the boob.

Also, perhaps like Raina she's also one of those people best appreciated while moving.

Don't you think?

6. QRI (T-ARA)

Possessing
outstanding eyes and model-esque looks, Seunghee is basically Qri 2.0 -
so this is obviously the type of thing that CCM shop for, and if I was
running a k-pop label, so would I.

That
dot on her nose has got to form part of her appeal too. It's probably
some kind of eyebeam focusing instrument, or maybe Qri is a
double-agent for SM Entertainment and that nose dot is a microdot
that captures and stores data from CCM HQ to send back to SM so they
can work out sneaky strategies to keep the CCM acts with their superior
songs from dominating over SM's weaker new catalogue. Now you know why
Qri never tweeted Hwayoung... ahhh, it all fits together now doesn't it,
just like any well-written conspiracy theory...

If
it's true I might have to jizz on that nose to sabotage the microdot
and save T-ara's careers from the sneaky control of SM. That's the kind
of selfless sacrifice I'd be willing to make for T-ara out of the
goodness of my heart. How could anyone ever say that I'm anti-idol?

7. WAY (CRAYON POP)

No
posey promo photos for Way because Way is all about being gangster and
that's why she gets on this list. Lawbreaking gangster k-pop girls are
hot as fuck and don't pose for your fucking camera, you weak cunt.
You'll be lucky if you even get to take the photo at all before she rolls up on your ass with a whole crew and schools your bitch ass. Look at that face bandaid, this girl knows no fear.

She pushed that Sunny chick
around just to show her who the new queens of k-pop really are, and
SNSD fans retaliated with nasty messages. Then the next day, one of SM
Entertainment's sponsor's buildings gets burned the fuck down.
Coincidence - I THINK NOT. Got anything smart to say now, netizens?
Don't make her torch your parents' house next, you little shitheads,
because if you keep pushing it this girl is going to get Norwegian Black Metal on your ass.

Here
she is in the Crayon Pop gang's traditional ceremonial attire. The red
mitten that only she wears is code that means she's the designated
killer, it's symbolic that she has "blood on her hands". How sexy as
fuck is this. You are getting a boner right now.

Don't fuck with Way or talk shit about her on the Internet with your lame rumours and crap because her group will show you the "way" to an ass-beating,
you fucking clown. Also she's cute, I would pop her crayons. Way if
you're reading this, it's a compliment, please don't send a posse around
to stab me in my sleep thanks.

8. LIZZY (AFTER SCHOOL/ORANGE CARAMEL)

After School/Orange Caramel's resident porn addict
Lizzy gets on my bias list not just for being pretty and making a
concerted effort to display her boobs in the best possible light, but
also for generally giving off serious vibes of being a smut fiend who
wants the D. Here's Lizzy sneakily demonstrating minimum size
requirement under the guise of the "Funny Hunny" dance:

Guys,
you must measure up to at least this length before calling into Pledis
HQ or phoning Shinsadong Tiger for a meetup (which is probably why G-Dragon didn't make the cut).

She seems keen, always a positive. Pity she's pulling a horrid duckface in about 95% of all her promotional material, but get her to stop doing that for ten seconds and she's very pretty indeed.

10/10 - would watch JAVs with.

9. MINKYUNG (DAVICHI)

Technically
I'm told that Davichi aren't really "idols" but I actually don't really
give a shit about designations like that because I idolise this girl's
pretty face and pert boobies so here's some Minkyung pictures anyway.
Minkyung is a born model and looks just as good in promotional and CF
images as she does in paparazzi shots:

Or POV amateur porn movies:

And
best of all, she knows how to cook, isn't that what you want in a
woman, of course it is.* Hey, fuck it, the more humourless armchair
feminist contingent out there probably already hate me for the entire
concept of this blog post (despite the fact that themaleequivalentiseverywhere) so I might as well go the whole hog and trash my reputation with them completely.

*
Actually I know how to cook as good or better than any girl I've ever
been out with and I cook for my girlfriends all the time so STFU
cuntface.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this bias list and learned some important lessons:

1. No I don't hate idols, but...
2. ...a sense of humour is not a crime, and...
3. ...k-pop girls are hot.

The thing is that, alot of CP fans(specially K-fans) like Choa and Soyul the most. Soyul being the youngest and being bright and youthful all the time, and Choa for being the quiet one and more reserve(she also confirm of being somewhat of an introvert) of the the twin which reinforce the whole "innocent" image.

Soyul is hot in a special way, mang.She's got that sleazy look: http://i.minus.com/ietTxitzDm2T1.gif

For me, ChoA is my favourite and Soyul/Way alternate being on 2nd place.Ellin's overall ok, but seems kinda of an attention-whore.I think Gummi's boring and fakes laughing all the time. But this doesn't mean I hat her, I just don't care about her.

What makes Way more gangster is that I believe that she is a high school drop out in a nation that reveres education as status. Plus, there's that story she tells about gathering a 100 of her friends to beat up a rival who stole her friend's BF. Also, she's not afraid to call out her sister as being "garbagee". ChoA is a perv who loves to feel up hairy Australians.

omg! That blows me away! Raina a rapper, in English no less!?!? All the time I've spent watching Orange Caramel, I never knew this!! And Raina is my UB!!! With the cutest chipmunk face, her aegyo is beyond cute! I love her even more now.