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“Mom! I can’t find my North Face jacket. I think I left it in North Carolina.”

“Mom, my elf didn’t do anything last night.”

“(via text) We need to discuss 2014. Let’s talk tonight.”

“Stacy, I swear to God, if you don’t get me your Christmas lists right now, I’m gonna make you buy all your own shit.”

It is December. The smell of fried turkey may still linger in the garage, but Thanksgiving 2013 is already a distant memory.

It is December: put up tree and decorate house http://www.amazon.com buy Sheepdog some egg nog design Christmas cards remind kids of real reason for the season ask them for wish lists Nutcracker end of season team party ding-dong (www.amazon.com delivery) make and refrigerate cookie dough watch “Love, Actually” design photo calendars for family presents class party money collection for bus drivers buy Sheepdog more egg nog ask kids for better wish lists (no, you may not ask for cash) http://www.amazon.com go to stores for things not available on amazon label and stamp and mail Christmas cards decorate gingerbread houses money collection for teachers buy dress for Sheepdog’s law firm’s holiday party buy snowman tablecloths and small water bottles and help with wintry craft at another class party watch “Elf” ding-dong (another http://www.amazon.com delivery) wrap presents Toys for Tots go see Santa get hair cut and colored need to buy Sheepdog more nog go to Sheepdog’s law firm’s holiday party bake cookies drive around to look at lights wrap presents hide presents http://www.amazon.com because there is not an even distribution of presents watch “Rudolph” cousins pollyanna party unwrap presents pack suitcases pack presents pack Christmas socks (that’s what Kid E calls our stockings) ding-dong (whew – glad that last delivery made it in time!) wrap presents hide presents make more cookies because we tore through the first batch Christmas Eve remind kids (again) of real reason for the season visit family deliver presents Christmas Magic wake up early run down stairs make strong coffee open presents open more presents finish off second batch of cookies and egg nog while sitting in sea of crinkled wrapping paper plastic toys electronics and happy faces. Count our many, many blessings. Whew.

So, it’s been fun at our house the past few days. Please, sense my extreme sarcasm. I have said all of the above, or comparable paraphrases, at least once in the past 24 hours. I don’t know if it is a full moon rising or shark week right around the corner, or what, but I am a right angry mother.

Kid D has been home sick all week. It is not his fault that he is sick, but for-the-love-of-all-things-holy, why do boys have to be so freaking needy when they are sick? It is a cough and some mild puking. It’s nothing to get in a kerfluffle about. I realize that the whining is a genetic male defect, and I know that you’re bored, but please let me sit on the toilet without you knocking on the door so you can tell me that Craig Kimbrel had his 100th save against the Giants last night, and he’s the second youngest pitcher in the MLB to do it, and you’re hungry for something but you just don’t know what.

And Kid E has decided to stop sleeping through the night again. For no reason. He says he gets lonely. I’m too tired to even come up with a response to that. The broken sleep thing kills me. There is not enough coffee in the world (especially when Sheepdog and Kid A take the very last K-cups in the house) to fix me right the next day.

And the girls are in full-on battle mode with each other. Kid C came to me and complained that Kid B is a tyrant. They share a bathroom, and Kid B has apparently set forth some rules that Kid C does not necessarily agree with. They fight over time limits in there, closed doors and lights. This morning Kid C was straightening her hair in the dark so as to not awaken the Kraken. They fight about who left what in the shower. And Kid A and Kid B constantly fight over clothes (clothes that NONE of them ever put away after I have lovingly washed, folded and delivered to their rooms each week, even after I have reminded them daily). I tell them they have to learn to figure it out on their own, otherwise they will get eaten alive in a sorority house or in the workplace with dudes or on the playground with the other mommies when they grow up. Stand up for yourself, but be kind and thoughtful to the people around you at the same time. But nobody listens to me.

Until I have had enough. Then they all had better lend an ear.

It got so bad with Kid A that I gave her a Come to Jesus in the kitchen when she got home yesterday. She has had a really rough year, but enough is enough. Enough with the disrespect. She is dismissive to the other kids and rude to me, unless she wants something. Her phone, laptop and car are all up on the block for repossession if things don’t improve ASAP. She is never home and when she is, she is usually disagreeable. To a degree she is “just being a teenager,” but there are some behaviors that are simply not acceptable. So the rest of the kids got dressed down last night or this morning as well.

Did I mention that Sheepdog is in California for work and some biking?

Motherhood is hard. There are no instructions or rules, so you just have to make stuff up as you roll along. And not only do I second guess some of my decisions, but everybody else around me does as well (don’t worry… I most likely judge you right back).

Also, motherhood never ends. You have to do it when you are sick, or tired, or sick and tired. You have to do it on weekdays and holidays (even the federal ones). Sometimes you have to do it when you husband is on a business trip, or crappier yet – sometimes moms have to do it all alone.

This is getting really negative. I need to make a U-turn.

There are also a ton of rewarding things about motherhood. I can’t articulate any of them right now, but deep down I know that there are a lot of great reasons to purposely choose motherhood as your life sentence. There really are. I swear.

OK, not such a great effort, so I’m heading back to my rant.

Do you know what I really hate? I hate Mother’s Day.

There, I said it.

I hate all of the commercialism, the flowers (dead in a few days) and the cards ($5.99 for folded paper, really?) and the candy (did you not see me struggling to work out every day this week?). I hate the stress of coming up with the perfect gifts to let my mom or mother-in-law know just how much they mean to me. I hate that dads and kids are forced to create a perfect day for moms on this randomly designated Sunday in May, because it rarely rises to meet the mark – for the dads, the kids or the moms. I hate that my annual trip out of town over the second Sunday in May (Mother’s Day – Run Away and No, He Didn’t!), got canceled again due to scheduling conflicts.

So, here’s what I propose. Get rid of Mother’s Day. It is too much pressure on everybody involved. Nobody has a relationship with their mother that is simple enough to be tied up with wrapping paper and a bow, and everyone involved knows it. Just make sure to tell your mom (and any mom, for that matter) how great you think she is, whenever the thought strikes you. You don’t have to save it for any particular day. Crappy jewelry turns green or goes out of style; a compliment is forever.

And maybe you could also put away your clothes, stay in your own bed, don’t talk back, and be nice to your sister. Oh, and get well soon, Kid D.