‘Happy Holidays’ Faction Strikes North Pole, Merry Christmas HQ

Latest War on Christmas escalation gives fading Fox News new life

THE NORTH POLE — Earlier today, the Happy Holidays faction in the War on Christmas launched a surprise attack on the North Pole headquarters of the Merry Christmas faction.

Heavy damage was done to Merry Christmas H.Q. by the Happy Holidays strike force, which breached the walls and forced its captives to play with dreidels, sit around a Festivus Pole and perform both the Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength, and wear Happy New Year hats and blow on similarly marked noisemakers.

“Christmas Marshal Santa Claus was at the elf right-to-work toy sweatshop making sure production quotas were being met when Happy Holidays extremists attacked our headquarters. He is unharmed and has been relocated to an undisclosed location,” stated North Pole Sky Marshal Piper Brandypudding — an elf sitting on a flying moose.

Brandypudding added, “We have already retaken the headquarters, and freed all of our soldiers who were tortured by the Happy Holidays strike force. Even though we have to move operations to Bethlehem this year, none of our sleighs have been harmed and Christmas is still happening.”

An unidentified member of the press was ignored by Brandypudding when she asked him if the numerous rumors about Mrs. Claus being kidnapped by the Happy Holidays attack force were true.

“We are launching a counter-attack as I speak. Our sleighs will be targeting various Starbucks locations. And Merry Christmas,” emphasized Brandypudding, who then flew away on his moose.

Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly announced he will cover the North Pole attack from Quebec, and yelled about the escalating proxy war between the two factions.

Meanwhile, the Happy Holidays faction declared there would be future attacks to force the Merry Christmas faction acknowledge there are many holidays during this time of year.

Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.