A fake anonymous scout's 2018 NFL mock draft

We’re in the middle of NFL draft season, which also means it’s my favorite time of year: Anonymous Scout season.

Nobody knows how to tear down an NFL prospect quite like an anonymous scout. So we’ve invited a fake anonymous scout to do a guest mock draft for FTW. Enjoy…

1. Browns: Sam Darnold, QB USC

Anonymous Scout says: “I wasn’t really a fan of Darnold’s until I saw his Pro Day. It was raining, y’all. Water was falling from the sky and he still managed to throw to wide open receivers with no pass rush. It was a courageous performance. Sure, Darnold turns the ball over a ton and he has a loopy delivery, but this guy can deal with the ELEMENTS.

“The nerds on Twitter say he kind of looks like the bad guy from The Incredibles, which is troubling. You draft a kid that tries to destroy the city, you’re definitely getting fired. But Darnold’s a nice kid. The kind of kid I would let marry my anonymous daughter. If I had a daughter, that is. Or even a family. Turns out veiled racism and a passion for criticizing 20-year-olds aren’t the most attractive qualities. You know, I get lonely at nigh–”

2. Giants: Josh Rosen, QB UCLA

Anonymous Scout says: “Nerd. Dude’s a straight-up nerd, and nerds don’t have a place in football. Rosen knows, like, who the Secretary of State is and stuff. Who has time for that? Peyton Manning didn’t know any of that crap. And Rosen’s parents are rich. Rich kids aren’t good at football. That’s just a fact.”

4. Browns: Minkah Fitzpatrick, CB Alabama

Anonymous Scout says: “Fitzpatrick is a great player, but red flags abound. Most notably, his love of fashion. I was reading this thing in Sports Illustrated about how he dresses his teammates for award shows and stuff. While that’s a team-first move, this guy needs to stop worrying about three-piece suits and start worrying about Cover Three defenses. Less time studying Tommy Hilfiger and more time studying Tommy Brady.

“Saban needs to run a tighter ship down there in Tuscaloosa.”

5. Broncos: Quenton Nelson

“Fix your tie, son.”

6. Colts: Bradley Chubb, DE North Carolina State

Anonymous Scout says: “Bad name. Chubb? CHUBB? You don’t want to get fired because you believed in somebody named Chubb. Pass.”

7. Buccaneers: Saquon Barkley, RB Penn State

Anonymous Scout says: “Barkley is really the perfect prospect … until you start looking through his family history. His uncle was a boxer. Went by the name of Iran Barkley.

“Iran?

“MAJOR RED FLAG. I don’t know much about the world, but I know Iran and America have had their differences. You have to wonder how much the Barkley family loves America. These things matter. There’s a reason the Patriots have dominated this league for so long.”

8. Bears: Calvin Ridley, WR Alabama

Anonymous Scout says: “I was raised to respect my elders, so I have nothing bad to say about Ridley, who will celebrate his 56th birthday in October. Jon Gruden loves this kid from what I hear.”

9. 49ers: Roquan Smith, LB Georgia

10. Raiders: Denzel Ward, CB Ohio State

Anonymous Scout says: “I fell in love with this kid at the combine. Full of energy. Had the freshest legs out there. Super prepared during interviews. It’s like he had a singular focus over the last few months. Really impressive.

“Then I realized this was the kid who sat out of Ohio State’s bowl game. Really let his teammates down. Least important game of the season, and he’s not out there with his guys? Had he been out there, the Buckeyes might’ve won … by more than three touchdowns.”

11. Dolphins: Arden Key, LB LSU

Anonymous Scout says: “Now, you probably think I’m going to rip this kid for everything that went down in Baton Rouge over the last year. Well I don’t have all the facts, so that’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

“Key left LSU for ‘personal reasons’ during the spring, and we don’t do ‘personal reasons’ in the NFL, kid. Time to grow up and get your priorities in order.

“He also missed some games because of a finger injury. Fingers can be hurt; they cannot be injured. Somebody get this kid in a room with Ronnie Lott.”

12. Bills: Maurice Hurst, DT Michigan

Anonymous Scout says: “The draft nerds on Twitter love Hurst, and they don’t know ball. So even though I haven’t seen any of his tape — not because I’m lazy, but because college all-22 is ILLEGAL — I’m just going to assume he’ll be a bust. Draft Twitter loses again.”

13. Redskins: Derwin James, SS Florida State

Anonymous Scout says: “James checks all the boxes: Great athlete. Instinctive pass defender. Tough tackler. Has plenty experience answering questions about problematic mascots. He’ll fit right in with the Redskins. You draft a woke nerd like Rosen in Washington and all hell breaks loose.”

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