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10/13/2010

I've been doing quite a bit of online research on the topic of online dating.

Here are some of the more interesting tid-bits (or, if you're like me, you prefer the saying dirty little secrets) I came across:

In general, women are 20 pounds heavier than they report and men are 2 inches shorter than they report. When it comes to being elusive online, women are vague about their age and weight, and men are vague about their age and height.

People are usually about 20% poorer than they report.

The more attractive the online photo is, the more likely it is out-of-date (over 6 months to 2 years).

Older online daters tend to upload more dated photos.

The vast majority (about 80%) of people who self-identify as bisexual are really only interested in one gender.

The online dating industry is estimated to be worth about $4 billion and that number is growing.

In the US, it is reported that there are between 20 and 40 million people on online dating sites each month.

About 25% of online daters are currently married.

About 1 in 5 of online daters are currently in or have dated someone they met online.

According to okcupid.com, a 26 year old female have more online pursuers than their male counterpart. However, by age 48, men have about twice as many pursuers than a 48 year old female.

As they get older, men who date online begin to search for younger and younger women and their upper-age threshold gets smaller.

What are your thoughts on this info? Feel free to share any personal stories you may have had with online dating!

10/06/2010

Yeah, I get this a lot. When people ask me this, I am often searching their face to see if they mean to ask me "...do you have sex with your clients?" Let me be clear here that I have absolutely no problem with sex workers and feel that they are hugely under-served and grossly misunderstood. I know many, many friends who either are doing or have done sex work.

Sex coaching is a concept that even my family doesn't really get. One of my in-laws asked me if I needed to get a specific license to touch my clients. When asked if she was asking me if I sleep with my clients, my other in-law came to her defense by saying "...well I can imagine there are a multitude of reasons you might need to touch someone during your work." Interesting, I said, and then asked for just 2 or 3 examples of what the hell they were getting at. Huge shocker that I got no answer from them and then was told that we should drop the subject because I "clearly didn't want to talk about it". Nothing could have been further from the truth, and I wanted to use that time to educate them about my job. Alas, that was the last time I have shared a meal or even spoken to them.

I also know that there are a variety of "sex coaches" out there, and my attempt is to educate and inform you so you know what it is I do with Catherine Coaches clients.

Sex coaching uses a present centered, short-term process. So while it is useful for me to know about any past or current sexual traumas, I am not a therapist or a doctor. Sex coaching is also not talk therapy. I feel that it is an empowerment process and I help set the stage for positive change by providing a confidential, non-judgmental, and sex-positive environment so that you can authentically examine your sexual wants/needs/desires.

All my clients fill out a lengthy and confidential initial assessment which helps them to verbalize, face, and prioritize their challenges when it comes to sex and sexuality. The assessment often brings about an "a-ha" moment for clients when they are able to communicate what their fear, hang-ups, and issues are. The assessment is also hugely helpful to me since it helps me figure out if they are coachable, if their goals are reasonable, and how many sessions we might need.

One of the biggest gifts a sex coach gives a client is permission. Sex coaching literally gives someone permission to see themselves as a desirable and sexual creature. Knowing that sex is absolutely normal and natural, sex coaching also gives someone permission to give and get pleasure, masturbate, explore fantasies, and really re-connect with their bodies in a very authentic way. That's some pretty powerful stuff, huh?

As a sex coach, I tend to spend a lot of time educating my clients on pleasure physiology. You might be surprised to find out just how many people are unaware of how their body works, let alone how the sex stuff operates.

I have a vast array of pictures, diagrams, and even vulva and butt puppets so clients can grasp their own pleasure anatomy in a very playful, medically accurate, and tangible way. It is also a fantastic way to show clients how one would use a variety of sex toys in either solo or partnered lovemaking.

(vulva puppets are a constant companion of a sex coach)

There is no touching when it comes to my version of sex coaching. No sexy version of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours", and definitely no playing "doctor".

The majority of my sex coaching clients either suffer from low/no sex drive, premature ejaculation, or an overall uncomfortable feeling when it comes to sex. Many of my clients report that they very seldom masturbate. I also get quite a few clients who are looking to up their game, so to speak, and want to know how they can become a more desirable lover.

When it comes right down to it, the majority of what I do as a sex coach is provide my clients a safe space where they learn the skills to better communicate around the topics of sex and sexuality. Sex coaching helps demystify and normalize a subject that is often considered taboo. Sex coaching helps clients find their sexual voice and for them to be able to communicate that to their partner in a positive, non-confrontational way. It can also help clients re-define what sex means to them (for instance, sex doesn't always have to mean penetration and orgasm).

10/02/2010

Dating Coach. Apparently there is not much information out there about them. To be honest, I am not even sure how other "dating and relationship" coaches operate. I can tell you that I was deliberate when using the term dating coach over the term date coaching since this is far more common a phrase. Strange isn't it?

Even though there ain't much info on dating coaches, I can tell you that hella people need one. Since I can't really talk to what other dating coaches do, I will tell you a little about how I work with Catherine Coaches clients that appear to be coachable.

A dating coach, although they can be in some instances, is not your friend. This is important because friends will often spare your feelings when it comes to unflattering personality quirks, how you dress, and how you generally interact with others. While I'm definitely not a drill sargent, I am quite blunt.

But here's the thing, people who are unsuccessful at dating often need a reality check. Working with a dating coach can be challenging for this very reason. Some people say they are ready for a change, but don't want to do the work to make it happen.

Just so we are clear, here are a few things that I am NOT: an image consultant specialist, match-maker, personal shopper, drill sargent, or hand holder. However, as someone who has always had a bit of a flair for style and someone who spent buckets of my parents money shopping at Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus, and small boutiques, I can give you an honest opinion about what your clothing says to others.

Many people I come in contact with dress as if they have just given up on life. Sad, but true. Male clients are either generally sloppy or dress without any flair...in other words, they are boring and forgettable. Female clients are often comfortably too casual. On occasion I will have female clients who swing the other direction and are too made up--too much makeup, too much cleavage, and too much everything.

As a dating coach, I give specific suggestions on how clients can become more attractive to whomever they are interested in. I think the major root of most people's issues it their total lack of self confidence. What I have come to figure out is that building confidence is very learnable.

My job is to work with clients to improve their body image, teach them appropriate body language and how to use said body language to their advantage, how to send out and recognize flirting signs, how to have realistic expectations when looking for a partner, and how to improve general dating skills.

(fyi, I have no idea what "kino" means)

I generally recommend a series of 5 or 10 dating coach sessions, although some people come to me just to help them with their online dating profile. My experience is that each coaching session builds upon the last one and clients are usually sent home with specific recommendations that need to be completed prior to the next session. It also seems like clients who want just one or two dating coach sessions are looking for a "quick fix" when many of the challenges and issues have been years in the making. And of course, there is something to be said about the power of making a financial investment and how that can sometimes motivate you to suck it up and just do the dang thing.

Many of my coaching clients utilize my wingwoman service which can be hugely helpful to those who are more socially shy and awkward. As a wingwoman (I have a 2 hour minimum) I help introduce them to people they otherwise might never talk to. I also assist in making appropriate small talk that can then lead them into more meaningful conversations. I help break the ice and then excuse myself from the conversation so I can observe how they do on their own.

Wingwoman services are helpful to me as a coach because I get to see how a client interacts with others in real time. I can see if they have learned and begun to incorporate the body language and flirting skills we have practiced in private. If they stand there stiff as a board and looking like a dear caught in the headlights then I know there is much more work for us to do.

Hopefully this post helps educate people about the importance and purpose of hiring a dating coach. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them below.

09/28/2010

I've been remiss in blogging this past month and, after racking my pea-sized brain, couldn't come up with any really good excuse.

I guess I've been going through some business growing pains and my head has been way too scattered to sit down and write complete sentences. After having a fabulous dinner with a visiting sexuality educator friend, Shanna Katz (some may know of her as Essin-Em), I have a re-newed sense of purpose and resolve for blogging much more frequently. Shanna is a pretty awesome blogger and is up for blogger of the year at this year's sex bloggers calendar in New York City. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for her :)

My growing pains are due to the fact that my business offers 2 main services: individualized coaching and workshops. Being that I live in the middle of Silicon Valley, my expectation was that I would probably be doing the majority of my business as a dating or sex coach. After all, if you have ever spent any amount of time in SIlicon Valley, you are well aware that there appears to be an over-abundance of men compared to women. After moving here in 1999, I saw that many of the working men have a clear need for some serious dating help

However, the fact of the matter is that most people know me as a sex educator since I've been doing workshops on all topics related to sex and sexuality since 2002. It truly is my first love, and what I think I excel in. In fact, the whole reason I wanted to become a sex educator was so I could present workshops. I've been very fortunate to be affiliated with Carol Queen and Good Vibrations, and in 2005 I was brought on as an Off-Site Sex Educator (OSSE). It's crazy for me to think that I've facilitated sexuality workshops at no less then 35 places, and many times I was a repeat presenter. My workshop schedule has really taken off and I am in the process of setting up travel to both Phoenix and upstate New York! Like I mentioned before, workshops and speaker events are my first love and passion, and I would love to hear from you if you are interested in bringing me in for your special event.

Side note: I briefly considered being a madam who would service the technology workers out of those lunch trucks. I still think it could have worked well, but my hubby put the kibosh on that idea fast.

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area then you are probably aware that people lovingly refer to San Jose as "Man Jose" or that there is a "guy glut" or, my personal favorite, "enginerds"...get it, engineer + nerd :)

And while the vast majority of my coaching clients are men (about 75%), I think many people are still hesitant about my services as a dating coach.

The main problem is that someone has to recognize that what they are doing isn't working. And let's face it, it's much easier to live in denial. Additionally, the people who need my help the most are highly functioning and successful in the work part of their life so the personal gets put on the back burner. People also really hate/resist change and a few coaching sessions with me can be quite challenging.

So here's the deal; I see people on a daily basis who look like they are stuck in a time capsule. They are dressed in clothing and have hairstyles that are SUPER dated. My general observation (and you are free to disagree) is that men tend to have an arrested development when they dress (ie. t shirts, baggy shorts or ill-fitting pants), and women tend to have arrested development when it comes to their haircut and makeup.

What most people don't realize is that we have between 3 and 30 seconds to make a first impression. Often, every other thought someone has of you gets filtered through that initial impression.

When it comes to first impressions, we usually determine how we feel about someone by how they look, how they speak, and how they carry themselves (body language). Seems simple enough, but I people-watch A LOT and so many people miss the mark.

"But I don't have a lot of money for clothing, Catherine."

Ok, not everyone grew up on the North Shore of Chicago like I did. I get it. However, you don't have to spend a ton of money to look put together. Marshalls, Target, and Old Navy are totally reasonable in price and you can get many different looks for the price of 1 outfit at Neiman Marcus or Saks Fifth Avenue. What you need are basics: a few pairs of dark denim jeans or pants, some short and long sleeve shirts, a jacket, and some great accessories(shoes, belt, watch, jewelry) and you are ready to go. My mom used to say that you were golden as long as you had on some great shoes and a nice handbag :)

Men, you need to know that many women look to your shoes, wallet, and watch to determine what type of man you are. Yes, I know this sounds really weird and some people may totally disagree with me, but we look to these things as a way of gaging how well you pay attention to detail. For most men, the only jewelry they wear is a watch, so take care in picking a time piece that not only sets you apart but has some style to it. Shoes are also important because women can gage your personal style from what you pick to put on your feet. Lastly, wallets are important because we want to make sure you don't have some crazy George Costanza wallet that doesn't close because it's filled with crap. When in doubt, men should pick a nice, basic leather wallet in a dark brown or black. Women don't want to see a childlike velcro wallet anymore then they want to see a big menacing chain wallet.

Usually I get a bunch of people who are totally oblivious or disagree with my last paragraph, so I hope you are still with me!

For women, I think the worst offenders are people who wear completely ill fitting clothing and women who wear really heavy makeup. You don't have to have a tailor on speed dial to be able to find clothing that suits your particular body type. If you aren't sure, ask your friends to pick which of your clothes are their favorites. Better yet, go to a Nordstrom and have a sales associate help you pick out clothing that suits you. Make sure to buy something like a t-shirt or bra so it's not a total waste of their time, but they often have great insight into how to dress for your body type. And when it comes to makeup, remember that less is more. I often see women who I want to carve my initials into their cheek because their makeup is so caked on. News flash: heavy makeup ages you and not in a flattering way. Heavy makeup accentuates wrinkles because it settles into the cracks. In most cases, all women really need is some concealer, powder, mascara, and lip-gloss or lipstick. Men get wary of too much makeup because instead of admiring and focusing on you, they are trying to figure out what you are trying to hide under all that makeup. My last suggestion about makeup is that, if you wear a heavy foundation, make sure to extend it down past your chin and then blend it into your neck...otherwise, you look like a geisha or kabuki dancer.

Regardless of your sex, you can make yourself stand apart from the competition by having good grooming habits which includes showering, using soap, and washing your hair at least every other day. Yes, this seems totally basic, but you would be surprised at how many people do not follow a regular grooming routine. If your favorite clothing has tears or is stained then it's time to retire them permanently. And for the love of all things that are good, please don't douse yourself with cologne or perfume. It is not a substitute for a proper washing and more and more people are developing allergies to colognes/perfumes. Imagine that people never ever want to smell you approaching or leaving them---although they will be much happier seeing you leave!

Please contact me if you are interested in receiving a FREE 20 minute phone consultation for my dating and sex coaching services. I can work with you if you would like to improve your body image, body language and flirting and dating style. I can also work with you to help craft a kick ass online profile or work with you as your very own wingwoman if you are attending a singles or other social event.

08/30/2010

Politics, yep it makes me super uncomfortable to talk about. However, being a sociologist is the only way I can stomach the discussion.

What I want to talk about is the concept that sexism affects and can hurt men too. I love men, yes I do! I always wished I grew up with brothers, but, alas, I was the youngest of 3 daughters. The vast majority of my closest friends are men, and I am the proud auntie to 3 beautiful nephews.

As a woman, you might assume that I would write about sexism from a female point of view. My particular feeling is that 1) I definitely might in the future and 2) I kind of feel the subject has been well covered through the years.

Here are my suggestions that lead me to believe that sexism hurts men.

You gotta fight for your right to party. Besides being a kick-ass Beastie Boys song lyric, many men are taught they should be ready and willing to put up their dukes and fight. Whether they are protecting the honor of their female partner/paramour/wife, pissed because some douche-bag flipped him off on the freeway, or are seething because of some perceived lack of respect, the typical man will feel like it is his expectation to make things right. If he is in a group, he might feel compelled to take physical action against someone and if he is alone, he might feel like he needs to be a man and stand up for himself. What's a man to do? Fight or flight? If he flees then he is a pussy and if he fights, then he is a juiced-up meat-head who belongs on the Jersey Shore.

Make big bucks. Men have historically been the breadwinners in the relationship. I don't have to look far to see evidence of this close to home; my dad, an anesthesiologist, requested that my mom vacate her nursing job a short time before they married. My husband makes a very good income as an engineering manager working in Silicon Valley. We live very comfortably in a place that is well known for being ridiculously expensive to live. However, we have been together for an awfully long time and he was a starving graduate students for the first few years of our marriage. Ok, well he wasn't exactly starving. He is extremely smart and received a stipend throughout his graduate program. Even so, I was making more money from my criminal justice jobs during our tenure in Colorado. There is a very small chance that I might make more money then him in the future. Who knows what my future holds, and it comforts me to know that he wouldn't feel less of a man if that were to ever happen.

Got kids? I sympathize with this one a lot. As a woman, I have always known that I have never wanted kids. People have told me that I would change my mind, my biological clock would click, and I would eventually sing another tune. Well it never did. I think that men get what I'm talking about here, but to a lesser extent. As a Bay Area dating coach, I see this take many forms. Women might not want to date a man who is a bit older because he might have young kids, women might not also want to date a man who is a bit older if he doesn't have children because there must be something wrong with him. Men who don't have or want children are afraid to date women with children, and it goes on and on. News flash: not everyone wants children.

Got viagra? In this society, men are supposed to always want sex. Period. It's instinctual (kinda like spreading your seed in order to reproduce), and unless you want to be called gay, you should be having sex with any woman who is interested. Many men will tell you that the expectation is that they are supposed to not only want but be ready for sex at the drop of a dime. And if a man happens to find himself with a low sex drive due to things like medications, stress, lack of emotional connection, disability or illness, lack of physical attraction, etc, there is always viagra.

Emotions are for women and pussies. Because men are always supposed to have a "stiff upper lip". Remember that scene with Tom Hanks in the movie "A League of Their Own" where he says "...Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball!" I kinda figured that this is how many boys learn about how not to show emotion. This stiff upper lip notion is so confusing to me because I know that most women purposely steer clear of men who are devoid of emotion. Emotions make you human.

So, are you gay or what? Is it just me, or does it seem like the majority of men would rather be perceived as poor or dumb then be considered even a little bit gay. It's funny how you can usually spot male hetero friends out in public. In Silicon Valley you will often see groups of 3 or 4 male friends instead of just 2. It's almost as if many men don't want to be seen in any social setting that might render them gay-adjacent.

So, in summary, if you are a man in today's society, you better be a strong, silent, emotionless kinda guy who is virile, makes a ton of money, and not at all gay. Where's the harm in that?

One of my sexuality educator friends, Charlie Glickman, is one of the few educators I know who offers a workshop on this topic called "Act Like a Man: Male Gender Socialization" and I strongly recommend you check out his website and blog for more information.

08/23/2010

As a Bay Area dating coach, one of my jobs is helping individuals craft their on-line profiles. This is not always an easy task! While I'm not one that is easily shocked, I am sometimes stunned at what people post for photos.

Since I know not everyone can afford my services, I've taken the time to highlight some general profile photo no-nos.

Sweeping panorama shots from vacations. Ok, I get it, you like to travel. However, putting up a national geographic worthy picture is not doing you any favors. Profile photo space is prime real estate people! Remember that. If you are essentially a pin in the center of a sweeping photo then you might as well not even post it. While on the same subject, don't post photos of you wearing floppy vacation hats and sunglasses.

Excessively cropped photos. People do this one all the time. If you are cropping out blank space or someone who would be livid to have their photo on a particular website, then crop away. However, if you are creatively cropping for the sole purpose of disguising some perceived body defect then my advice is to use a different photo. People looking for a potential match want to see whole body shots.

Kids in profiles. If you have children, then be honest about it and put that in your profile. Do NOT post pictures of you and your kids in an on-line profile. Kids didn't ask for mommy and daddy (or daddy and daddy or mommy and mommy) to break up so don't go posting their pictures for the rest of the world to see. In fact, if you are a parent and your ex posted pictures of your kids on a profile think about how livid you would be.

Excessively photo-shopping your picture. I get really annoyed when I see people tweaking the color balance on their pictures, and I know you know exactly what I'm talking about. People who change the contrast so much that they are now magically devoid of pimples or freckles. It's deceptive. It doesn't even look like you. Don't do it.

Group shots. So it provides evidence to others that you are, in fact, likable. Be very careful of posting group photos onto your profile. Unless you are way better looking then the rest of your friends, it provides unnecessary competition. Do you really want to open an email that reads..."say your friend to the right is pretty hot...what's her/his/their status?"

Photos that make you look sexually ambiguous, or worse, gay. This one is interesting for so many reasons. I can't tell you how many men have showed me their on-line profile and I feel compelled to ask them if they are, in fact, gay. **For the record, I LOVE people who identify as something other then heterosexual, so please don't send me hate mail**

Overly sexualized photos. Do I really need to comment on this?

In summary, you need to remember that photos are prime real estate when it comes to on-line profiles. People want to see at least two or three different pictures of you. One should be a close up head shot and the remainder should be full body shots.

Here are some examples of on-line profle photos that you should AVOID.

06/23/2010

I go to many networking events and this reaction almost always happens to me. During the course of introductions, a person hands me their business card first. After talking a few minutes about their business, they ask me for my card. I hand them my card and then watch the reaction....the person begins by asking me how to pronounce my last name.

For the record it is Toyooka, and pronounced like Toyota but with a k, but I digress.

The next thing the person does is begin to say what I do but then stops, in mid- sentence, after reading I'm a dating and sex coach. People have no problem saying the word "dating coach", but suddenly become tongue-tied when they get to the "sex coach" thing. It happens so often that one of my best networking friends and I make a joke about it.

Like I said, people are weird!

Because some people are so inherently uncomfortable with what I do for work, I already know that I will never receive a referral or lead from them at my various networking groups. I get that, I truly do. But as an entrepreneur, I also really need referrals for my business to thrive.

If you have spent any amount of time in Silicon Valley, then you know that men are plentiful, if not awkward. I recently read that Silicon Valley is the only major population city in the United States with a surplus of single men. In fact, most women are all too familiar with the saying "the goods are odd, but the odds are good!"

What I provide is a totally unique consulting service that can benefit almost everyone. Seriously, I don't know of ANYONE else who offers coaching on everything from body image to advanced technique-based sexuality coaching!

Honestly, I think the sex part of my job scares people the most. Then they immediately think there is no way they could ever help me with referrals.

Well, lucky for you, I have taken the time to highlight some ways YOU can help refer people to my business.

I provide body image consultation that includes confidence building exercises.

I provide body language consultation that includes specific recommendations on how to appear more open, friendly, and flirty. This is perfect for people who need to get out there and network, but hate to because they feel awkward.

I do both individual flirt coaching as well as flirting workshops. Almost everyone I know could use a "flirting for business or pleasure" workshop!

I provide individual "wingwoman" services for people who want to attend social activities or single mixers but think they are too shy, awkward, or nervous.

I organize a monthly meetup.com group called "Flirting, Dating, and Sex, Oh My!" where we get together and trouble shoot specific issues facing the participants along with doing plenty of interactive exercises and role plays.

Since I have worked with the fabulous Good Vibrations for years, almost all the employees either know me or know of me. This means that I can go with you to one of the stores and be your personal shopping assistant. I can guarantee that you will leave with the toy or toys that are perfect for what you are looking for.

I offer a FREE 20 minute phone consultation so you can see if I am someone you can work with.

I know that you either have a friend or know of someone who could benefit from my amazing, personalized services. So now all you have to do is refer them to me! I promise, I don't bite. And, if they are looking for someone who will bite them, I can refer them to someone who will do that too!

06/15/2010

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there's any reaction, both are transformed." ~Carl Jung

It may not seem like it, but people who are natural flirts are definitely out there. Probably the single best way to detect them is to hone your people watching skills.

If you are unsure if you are born flirt, here are a few statements that can help you determine your innate flirting quotient (fq).

Do you find it relatively easy to talk to people you don't know?

Do you enjoy people watching?

Do you naturally give compliments?

Do you make eye contact with strangers?

Do you touch people when you talk to them?

Do you know when someone is interested in you?

Do you pick up on "vibes" that people give off?

Can you put a smile on someone else's face?

Do you follow up after meeting someone with a call or email?

Do you tend to answer questions with another question?

Do you know places where you can meet people?

If you found yourself answering the questions above with "nevers" or "sometimes" instead of "always" then your flirting quotient needs some help. Luckily for you, I *imagine myself pointing my thumbs back at my smiling face* know just the person who can help you.

I find it extremely interesting that much of the origins of flirting go back to the Victorian era. Back in the day, flirting was considered an art form and young women were taught how to flirt using common fashion accessories as props. Men, on the other hand, were taught how to recognize active flirting signals in women. Seriously, what a concept!

I would like to credit Andrew Bryant for being the inspiration for this blog post!

05/10/2010

Let me start by saying that I LOVE presenting sexuality workshops! It's true, I love it. I get a kick out of creating a safe and non-judgmental environment where people can come together and learn new things in a supportive place.

Even though the vast majority of my workshops are related to sex and sexuality, I do a fair bit of work that includes everything from learning how to flirt effectively to learning how you can improve your body image.

A huge part of what I do is to help others access their inner confidence.

You might really be surprised at how big an issue this is for many people. Think men have it better then women? Au contraire, mon amie! The majority of my clients who seek out my dating and sex assistance are men. That's right, about 75% of my clients are men. Surprised? I sure was!

So what is it that I know for sure? Here are a few insights that I hope you enjoy.

You are the ultimate authority on you! This also means that no one thinks about YOU more then YOU do. I know, I know, it is shocking, right?

People believe what you tell them! This kind of goes along with my previous point.**

It is up to YOU to include yourself in the group. It is not up to the host at the party, your best friend, or anyone else to include you into a group. So what does this really mean? It means that even if someone walks you into a group and does the formal introduction, it is still up to YOU to make yourself part of the group. "How do I do that, Catherine?" Good question! The easiest way to make yourself part of the group is to mirror the way the people you want to talk with are standing or sitting. People tend to mill around in circles, so what you want to do is to walk up to the group and generally place your feet and shoulders even with the rest of the group. You don't want to "almost" include yourself by stopping short of the group. Alternatively, you don't want to walk too far inside the group. Pretend you are stepping up to an invisible line on the ground. By doing this, you are including yourself directly into the group. This is a great piece of information on how to use body language to your advantage, but it is up to you to initiate or actively engage in a conversation.

People don't necessarily remember what you say to them, they remember how they felt when they talked with you! This is for all the people out there who think they need to be the funniest or most brilliant speaker. It is so not true! Stop worrying about what you are saying and work on building a connection with the person you are speaking with. People remember how they felt when they talked with you, and not what you talked about.

**We all know people who spill the beans the first time you meet them. For the love of all that is good, don't tell people you are a loser! Ok, ok, I know you don't actually say, "hey, I'm a loser!", but guess what? If you are one of those chatty cathy's who tells your first date the specific problems you had with your previous boyfriend, husband, wife, or girlfriend, then, in essence, you are giving that new person a license to treat you as poorly as your previous relationship. Make sense?

So how do I put this all together? The basic underlying theme I have been talking about here is confidence. This is one of the areas where you can "fake it till you make it".

Confident people don't try to blend into the woodwork and they have a tendency to walk down the center of the aisle or walkway. Look for it....people who lack confidence tend to walk as closely to the wall or furniture as possible.

Confident people also chose to enter/exit a building using the center most doors. People who lack confidence tend to use the door closest to the wall. Seriously, I couldn't even begin to make this stuff up!

So there you have it friends! A few things that I absolutely, positively know for sure :) At the very least it should make for some fun people watching!

05/04/2010

It's true that I love to flirt! I was so excited when I was approached to present my Power Flirting: How to flirt with anyone, anytime, anyplace workshop for a group of Asian gay men (gay-sians) at API Wellness in San Francisco.

The majority of my posts up until now have been pretty heterosexual in nature, and I am thrilled to write a post that is targeted to gay men.

First thing first, my homo-loving friends! Say it with me, "Flirting is NOT the same as cruising!" Flirting is really something of an art form. Flirting is something we were born to do, so don't get down on yourself if you feel like you happen to fancy yourself something of a huge pile of "flirting don't"

Think of it this way, when we were born, we flirted with everyone. We smiled exubertently to practically everyone we came in contact with. It is one of the reasons babies can be so irresistibly cute! So if you happen to be bad at flirting, just remind yourself that you are brushing up a skill you already possess.

Just so we are all on the same page here, flirting is using a combination of verbal and nonverbal communication to express interest in someone else. Cruising, on the other hand, is a wildly popular behavior in gay culture where your main purpose is to engage in some kind of sexual activity with the other person.

Some gay men don't think they are very good at cruising either and that's where glory holes can come in handy. **Ok, ok I am mostly poking fun here :)**

The concept of flirting can be particularly difficult for those who identify as something other then heterosexual. One main reason is that gay culture tends to be hyper-sexualized. Gay men can be masters at picking up other men and engaging in sexual play, but many are hard pressed when it comes to identifying men who have been coupled long term.

There are some major barriers when it comes to gay flirting and a few off the top of my head are: men who have just come out of the closet and may not be as secure as other men who have been out and proud for years, men who are too self-conscience to risk approaching another man, and men who don't know what they would do if they found another man flirting with them.

So, how do I become a gay superstar?

Well, having solid self esteem helps. People love confidence in others and gay men are no different then heteros when it comes to this. Notice that I said solid self esteem, and not the self esteem that comes with someone who is high on crystal methamphetamine! **Again, I am mostly kidding here too, but it is something that came up time and time again as I spent 5 1/2 years working with HIV positive youth in San Francisco**

Everyone wants a partner who has a good sense of humor, is able to laugh at them self, and someone who is approachable. Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the most refreshing traits in another person. Sure it is fun to make fun of others sometimes, but being able to draw the line between funny and outright bitchiness is key.

Gay flirting superstars also know they possess both good communication and social skills. Part of having good communication skills means you are a good, active listener. Successful flirts have to be able to shut the hell up once in a while and let the other person or persons they are with take center stage.

Having the ability to read, send out, and interpret body language and nonverbal communication is hugely important if you want to be a successful flirt. Part of being a great flirt means you only flirt with people who are available! Got that hot stuff? Learn to read body language so that you only put out energy to other people who are interested.

Superstar flirts are assertive enough to approach hotties, will not get bitchy or feel defeated if their attempts are rejected, and know how to exert good, healthy boundaries.

Finally, gay flirting superstars tend to be honest, authentic, and know that life isn't all about them. Lying, being disingenuous, and being the center of attention works if you happen to be a Hollywood star. For the rest of us mere mortals, this type of diva-ish behavior is a huge deal breaker.

I know, I know, after reading this blog you might be thinking to yourself "I don't know Catherine, this sounds like a lot of work!" Just remember that learning how to flirt effectively can assist you in almost every other aspect of your life. It is also a wonderful thing to be able to recognize (both in yourself and in others) the difference between flirting behavior and cruising behavior.