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Friday, December 24, 2010

HOROWITZ HOT

My friend Horowitz thinks any woman with blonde hair (bleached or real), a flat stomach, a fake tan, and a set of Lee Press on Nails is hot. I'm not a contrarian by nature, so I just nod whenever he points out a woman, or shows me a picture of a woman he believes to be "hot." A mutual friend who's in on the "Horowitz Hot" joke called me last night to let me know that our buddy was dating someone new. I tried my hardest to refrain from asking the obvious questions: What does she look like? Did she audition for Jersey Shore? Does she wear sweatpants that are a size too small with "Juicy" written on her ass? Does she say "axe" or "eeyx" instead of "ask?" What cosmetology school did she go to? But my resolution for the new year, as well as what's left of this one, is to be non-judgmental.

"You meet her?" I axed.

"Yeah, last night," he said.

"And?" I asked in my non-judgmental attempt to find out what she looked like, if she auditioned for Jersey Shore...

"I gotta tell you. She's hot! Not Horowitz Hot, but like people with taste hot. She's breathtaking," he said, surprised.

"Breathtaking? How's that possible? Would Horowitz even be attracted to a woman who was genuinely attractive? I mean, I know beauty is subjective, but would Horowitz be attracted to a woman most men across vast cultural divides could agree was objectively hot, like Christie Brinkley?"

"Christie Brinkley! Shit! How fuckin' old are we?"

"I'd still do Christie Brinkley, even though she's in her fifties. I'd probably do her in her sixties too, but that's my point. She's this ageless beauty that someone like Horowitz couldn't appreciate ...or could he? I don't know."

So much for the New Year's resolution. At first, I thought I was jealous that he was dating someone someone else called "breathtaking." The Colombian is beautiful, easily the best looking woman I've ever dated, but I chalked my discomfort up to petty little thoughts like: Why should his girlfriend be hotter than mine? Then I thought I was bothered by the fact that a man with low standards was being rewarded with a prize meant for someone with good taste, like trailer trash who win the lottery and move into a palace. Surely, they couldn't appreciate the finer things in life, so why bother wasting such treasures on them?

"She seemed really into him too," my friend said.

"He's a happy-go-lucky, good looking guy. I could see that. What does she work in a bowling alley or something?"

"She's a psychologist and she teaches at Columbia."

"Breathtaking AND educated? What am I missing here? Has Horowitz ever even a read anything besides an Archie comic? He thinks saying "whatnot" makes him sound intelligent."

"Whatever, she's into him. Come out with us tomorrow night. We'll get Chinese like the rest of the Jews in the city. You can check her out yourself."

So I'll meet her tomorrow, and I'll try my best to be non-judgmental and accept the fact that my friend with no taste has a breathtaking, educated girlfriend. But I have to admit, part of me is hoping she shows up in sweatpants with "Juicy" written on her ass so I know everything is right with the world.

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