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Monday, August 14, 2017

Reporting Murders

In Case You Missed It Dept.

President Trump addressed a cheering throng of supporters in West Virginia Thursday. It had a little something for everybody. At the rally, West Virginia Democratic Governor James Justice announced that he’s changing political genders, and from now on he will be dressing as a Republican.

President Trump took off Thursday for a two-week vacation at Trump Bedminster Golf Club in New Jersey. It’s near where the fatal Burr-Hamilton gunfight occurred. It makes Trump wistful to know there was a time when if a cabinet member leaked, it’s because he’d just been shot in a duel.

Robert Mueller impaneled a grand jury to probe the Trump-Russia thing. His staff are Hillary donors and he’s Comey’s pal. The reason the DC Establishment picked Mueller to investigate Trump instead of Miss USA winners whom Trump said got fat is because the girls might go too easy on him.

The New York Times wrongly claimed the Justice Department was suing to remedy affirmative action programs with an anti-white bias. The actual case involved anti-Asian bias due to high test scores. On this fall’s TV lineup, Orange is the New Black will be followed by Yellow Is the New White.

The Gallup Poll out Thursday showed Congress with an all-time low ten percent job approval rating with the American people. Cosby is at twelve percent. You’d guess the difference between Bill Cosby and Congress is that at least with Cosby you get a drink and a drug before he screws you.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said he wants peace with the North Korean regime. Their new nuclear missile can reach Los Angeles, Chicago and New York. Robert Mueller just decided to investigate President Trump to see if he colluded with North Korea to fix the next presidential election.

Senate Republicans urged Robert Mueller to probe Russia ties to the Clinton Foundation. It’s possible. No one knows how far into the last election Mueller’s grand jury plans to investigate, but last Friday, Hillary was seen driving home on the Van Wyck Expressway in a white Ford Bronco.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un acknowledged the Pentagon estimate that his long-range missiles could reach Los Angeles, Chicago and New York by next year. He’d certainly like to hit L.A. and New York. However North Korea denies any plans to attack Chicago, they know they’d be outgunned.

President Trump is relaxing at his Bedminster Golf Resort in New Jersey. Before arriving, he stopped off at the FEMA headquarters in New Jersey. He thanked FEMA for the great emergency work they performed this month sandbagging Reince Priebus, Anthony Scaramucci and Sean Spicer.

The Illinois state legislature voted unanimously Monday to designate the fourth of August as Barack Obama Day in a bill that was quickly signed into law by the governor. It will be a state holiday. It won’t be a paid holiday, but in Obama’s honor, there will be a five-thousand-dollar co-pay.

President Trump vowed to take action against North Korea when told that they have succeeded in miniaturizing a nuclear warhead to fit in a missile. How bad does it look for North Korea? This morning, Kim Jung Un dropped off his clothes at the dry cleaners and they made him pay in advance.

The Wall Street Journal likened the U.S.-North Korean confrontation to a game of high stakes poker Tuesday. That’s a good call. Last night, Uncle Sam looked across the table at North Korea and said I’ll see your dangerous, unpredictable, thin-skinned leader and raise you the Seventh Fleet.

Al Gore’s documentary An Inconvenient Sequel is a total bomb, finishing last at the box office last week. He can’t be happy. Your cause may need re-thinking when it’s a hundred degrees outside and a movie about global warming can’t even get people into a movie theater for the air conditioning.

The Atlantic magazine ran an article about Hillary Clinton looking into her plans for life after politics. It reveals she may follow up on her long-held desire to join the Methodist ministry. In her first official act following her ordination, Hillary is expected to sue Satan for breach of contract.

President Trump is spending seventeen days at his Trump National Bedminster Golf Resort in Pinewood, New Jersey in what he calls a working vacation. During this time, the White House is undergoing major renovations. They are going to replace the carpeting, the kitchen, and North Korea.

Hillary Clinton was reportedly offered a plea deal by the Justice Department in the criminal case involving her missing e-mails. It would finally put the case to rest. Hillary lost the presidency in November, putting an end to the Clinton dream of being America’s first two-impeachment family.

-- Argus Hamilton

Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.

Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet.

-- Jimmy Fallon

This morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks.

I mean, McConnell versus Trump, this is big, guys. I don’t know who is going to win this battle. It really is a case of the turtle and the hair.