Care of the Elderly: A Question…

A friend at work came into my office recently, and was very angry. Her elderly mother, who lives in a warden-controlled flat, had been assigned a male carer. Her mother was aghast and quite distressed that he had taken off her clothes and washed her. I’m not sure whether he had asked her permission first, but surely anybody working for a care agency would have asked their client whether they agreed to them performing personal care before going ahead?

My own mother in her final years had a male carer. However, she would not let him do any personal care. He had been assigned 45 minutes early mornings to help her out of bed and help her to wash and dress herself, but all she would let him do was prepare her breakfast and wash up the dishes. She preferred to struggle and take 2 full hours to wash herself rather than have Chris do it, or wait until I visited a couple of hours later.

I told her that Chris was just doing his job and was paid to wash and dress her, but Mum was having none of it. It was only in her last few months when personal care became impossible, that she would let him wash her.

My friend’s mother complained bitterly to the care agency that sending a male carer to wash her was akin to assault.

Is she correct? The carer was only doing his job, and had obviously been rigorously checked before being employed. I have had male nurses care for me when bed-bound after operations, and they were kindness itself. It would never have occurred to me to send them away.

However, I suppose if I was an elderly and vulnerable woman living on her own, I might have a different viewpoint. But it seems a shame that male carers cannot carry out their work properly without their clients complaining, even though they have not done anything wrong.

Having worked in nursing homes myself, and then caring for my own parents later, I understand how she feels. My mom was very private and felt indignant at even myself, her daughter, having to see her naked and bathe her. However, I agree the guy was only doing his job and maybe there were no females available. I also agree with the other comment that she (or those who set it all up for her) should have made it clear from the beginning that she only wanted females to bathe her. Most of the males in the medical industry were very kind and tried to put the patient at ease about this, but I realize times have changed and not all caregivers are trustworthy, not that that is the issue here. It was just a matter of a man seeing her undressed that bothered her, right?

Oh no! There is a famous sci-fi futuristic dystopia titled “Soylent Green” that was about, loosely, over population and people were fed Soylent Green, reputedly made from sea plankton but was really made from dead people and euthanized elderly. At the very end the protagonist is hauled away on a stretcher yelling the truth about Soylent Green.

I do agree that the client’s wishes need to be respected, but I wonder if she ever objected to a male doctor doing whatever was needed, from doing a pap smear to delivering a baby. I don’t raise that to invalidate the way she feels, only to point out the irony in it.

Through the many years of caregiving of my father, family, friends plus working in the field- I think there is no excuse to not honor the wishes of a patient; especially my elderly! Yes my elderly, which have been the forefront of my career in healthcare. My favorite population of caregiving.

This situation here could have and should have been avoided and there are many ways this could been handled to honor her wishes. 1. There is always room to swap a patient out with another co-worker to honor the wishes. 2. Planning ahead of time and having things in place for patients who have special requests in place. I will not carry on but the importance of caring for the babyboomers are of great importance. In the past working in institutions these were some of the greatest option to see that the patient had great care.

Client gets final say on who they want performing personal care tasks for them.
I always try to think what I would want if it were me.
If no choice, they cannot manage on their own then there is a level of acceptance that has to occur. Not easy.

My mum used to love Chris, her carer, but she didn’t want him to do any personal care. Chris didn’t do anything that Mum didn’t want, but in the end she let him wash her and admitted she had been silly to stop him in the first place.

My dad, a proud cowboy, was not happy about female caregivers bathing and dressing him when he was disabled by a stroke his last year. We explained they were just doing their job but he was quite uncomfortable with it. I think it is also that generation. In Spain I had a male imaging technician do my mammogram. I had no problem with it but I know older women who would.

I think the first thing to say is none of us want to end up having to be washed by someone else! But accident or age can happen to any of us. Female nurses have had to be confronted by male bodies since forever. If you have ever had a baby you have surely been subjected to more than a wash by male doctors. Nursing is an excellent profession for men. When I had my first baby we had a male nurse on the ward, quite unusual and he was much nicer than some of the females. At my mother’s care home in Australia she had put down female only help with showering. One day they apologised that there was only a male carer available so Mum agreed and felt fine about it. I imagine it is more important to be looked after by caring people who treat you with dignity and patience. Mum also tells any new carers that she has NOT got dementia as she wishes to be treated like an intelligent adult!

I’ve had 2 babies and became used to male doctors. I agree that that the male nurses I’ve had nursing me have been much kinder than the females. My 89 year old mother-in-law gets very irate when medics talk to her daughters instead of her. She now tells her daughters to wait outside the consultation room!

For me it’s a difficult question because I understand both points of view. Ideally I think you should be able to choose the gender of who cares for you but I understand the practicalities.
I also think I male nurse should be able to work.

I feel for this elderly lady and I imagine its her dignity and respect that’s been crushed.

Yes I agree entirely
We have to have respect for the wishes for the people that we are there to serve. If a lady, of any age, does not want a male career washing her and dressing her, then she shouldn’t have one foisted upon her
It’s tough for the male career, but it’s probably one of the reasons why comparatively few men go into that particular job, because they will face issues

Very true. It’s all a matter of personal choice, but I know that most elderly ladies prefer female carers. In my experience of working on a ward, the majority of men do not seem to mind as far as I can tell.