Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Jealousy and Acceptance

The relationship between Toby and my dad sometimes makes me jealous.

When Toby was smaller we had a hard time with my dad even walking through a room without Toby attaching himself to his leg or something and screaming blue murder when he was just passing through. I felt bad that my dad couldn't get anything done and felt bad that Toby didn't understand why the world didn't revolve around him.

I had to limit their time together because certain disciplinary things or behavioral things I was trying to do didn't always get upheld. And yes, there's the cheeky shirts you can get that state "What happens at Grampa's stays at Grampa's" but when this is our home too and it's daily, not just once on a weekend visit, I try to keep things as consistent as possible.

Toby is better now with the separation and so they play together more.

But now Toby has decided that Grampa is hero, and mom sucks.

When I'm in the middle of explaining why we cant watch anymore TV and Grampa walks through the room, Toby runs to him and Grampa picks him up and they have happy talk.

When I'm trying to convince Toby to go to bed and he's in tears in protest, clearly indicating he's overtired, Grampa walks in and Toby runs to him and they happily go brush teeth.
I have become Mom. I have become the bringer of bedtime and the washer of hair.
I'm not the cool rescuer.

And all of this has made me realize...

...how glad I am to be doing this single.

I can avoid my dad if I wanted to... I wouldn't be able to avoid a partner.

The only thing keeping me from opening my mouth sometimes is that ultimately I have the control and the last word on things.

And maybe in a relationship things would have been fine and blah blah blah, but now I don't HAVE to share Toby. I'm not sitting in a corner being jealous that Toby is better behaved for my partner, because it's excusable to be angelic for a grandparent.

I'm allowed to be mildly annoyed at my dad, but I wouldnt want to feel that way towards someone I was with.

...I'm searching for a 'poetic' way to end this but it's late and my bran is mush... so here is how I spent my Valentines day: