Topics - Junkenstein

Because it seems like it's going to be needed. What'the fuck is going on with the military and Imran Khan? The whole situation seems utterly bizzare and seems to be establishing a worrying trend of celebrity leaders.

I met Nigel, returning from a day spent hard slicing the brains of small reptiles. Or as I like to call them "The spawn of Roger". Our collective mood was both elated and distraught thanks to range of personal events and our remarks on our joys and woes was recorded by a passing NSA agent. Thanks to a FOI request that I have on standing order I can CTRL+C/V the text directly for your enlightenment.

N: I guess one of the main stressors now is my Father's developing Altzihmers. It's just kind of shitty that medical research doesn't get a considerable degree of funding compared to the shitloads that always seem to get spent on self destructive or useless shit, you know? We could be curing so many more things by now it's unreal.

J:I console myself by thinking that in a few hundred years whats left of humanity will mock this era mercilessly for spending so much time, money and effort on say, sports or landmines,meth and beer and never combines them, compared to dealing with, for one thing, diseases. 21C - Advanced enough to know better, still too dumb to bother. It just keeps on showing how far we haven't come as a species.

N:No shit! We are fucking IDIOTS. One of the most infuriating things is that there is some evidence that Alzheimers may have a root that is strongly influenced by human behavior, but we don't know what it is. Because humans are pretty much barely above dog-level intelligence, it is hard to get funding to study anthropogenic roots of disease.

J: Dog level seems generous. A lot of people I encounter wouldn't rate above a fucking goldfish. Hells, we all know a couple of people who would lose a battle of wits against your average carp. And the depressing thing is that we've not even got that far to realise it about ourselves thanks to dunning-kruger.

I've said for a while that if 10% (FFS, even 1%) of football transfer fees or Hollywood film budgets, you know, leaving the sacred military alone, was mandatory to be put to medical research/care, the average life expectancy would probably be past 100 by now. And that's just looking at the past 30 odd years. But let's not do anything too crazy because socialism. Let's develop a system where our left wing politics is practically indistinguishable from our right wing stances. Instead we let this shit continue because big explosions and paying morons millions to kick a ball is apparently a better use of resources.

N:Goldfish do at least have rudimentary problem-solving skills. And you have in fact been outsmarted by one at some point, at least by it's own standard so it fucking wins, doesn't it?

J:Fair enough, if that's the standard you're stetting.

Unfortunately, Dog problem-solving and reasoning can be estimated to range from about 60-85 on an IQ scale, taking into consideration that dogs have almost none of the cortex that predicts future outcomes and so can't plan ahead at all. IQ is based on a normal distribution with a human average of 100, the distribution mean. Below 85 is considered cognitively impaired, above 115 is considered intellectually gifted. These are facts. That's one standard deviation in each direction.

J:I think I need a drink.

That means, that Roughly 78% of people are within one standard deviation from the mean. That's what we're dealing with. Not to sound like an elitist prick, which is an easy hole to fall into when discussing reasoning skills, but the general lack of intellectual reasoning ability in the majority of the population means that we will probably never, ever get even the small fraction of funding for science that could significantly improve the lives and health of everyone, because sportsball and bombs is what's best for fun and profit.

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Nigel, test run, bit rough, considered going into zimbardo for further counterpoint? feel free to add/alter anything you see fit. I've thrown in bits here and there so turnabout fair play etc.

So I've been spending some spare time with Dave lately. Dave loves to tell really edgy jokes about rape and is generally a sexist piece of shit. But he's OK if you're just talking about music or the weather.

Steve sometimes joins us. Steve loves music, particularly Skrewdiver and Burzum. He's got some strange ideas about racial purity but the banter between him, Dave and Jamal is top notch.

Jamal is hilarious, by the way. Really liberal and progressive. He does think that Malcom X was a filthy moderate and that the Black Panthers should have put much more effort into "killing Whitey" but apart from that he's pretty cool.

Here's the thing folks, the people you choose to associate with, the people you CHOOSE to spend your free time with say a lot about YOU. If you spend all your spare time with idiots, don't be surprised when other people assume you're a fucking idiot as well. The company you keep says a lot about you to an outside observer. These observers can be your other friends, family and occasionally authority figures like, for instance, the police. If you're not happy about that, then you need to spend less time with people who you know have problematic viewpoints.

Don't try that "I'm trying to change the group from within" shite either. Because you can't point at an instance where this has ever worked, let alone a time when you successfully did it. Don't pull the "I'm going to expose this horrible group from within" crap either. You're not a professional agent provocateur or credible investigative journalist so what you will be doing instead is enabling a shitty group of people to carry on being shitty in their own particular way. Oh, wait, they're just "friends you've had for a really long time"? Well, fuck you and fuck your friends. Being acquainted with dickheads for a long time doesn't give you some kind of free pass. In fact, it makes me think you're just a damn clown for associating with these people for that long.

You have a very finite amount of time in the world, call it 90 years at best. You are very unlikely to even get that long. Do you really want to spend more than a second than is necessary with shitty people?

After watching countless peers fuck up being a parent, I am now being given more useless unsolicited advice than I can shake a shitty cloth at. So I thought, "there's a few people I know that actually have half a fucking clue at how not to be a utterly useless twat of a parent." Hells, some of you even seem quite competent.

Offhand, I know a few of you have spawned and from your posts, I'd actually be interested in hearing any and all advice from. I won't name names for privacys sake, but if you think this may mean you, it probably does. I suspect many things may not be being done in a dull fashion. I'd be disappointed if they were. I guess there's probably a bit to discuss in regards to second/third generation Discordia in general, if it even survives that far. If we're even still bothering to use the term anymore.

I suppose this will also include likely plans which may and may not get met. I think there may be a bit of mileage in the various things you all intend to pass on in some degree or another too. I'm going to be damn sure mine questions every damn thing it's told for example. They'll probably have a bit of a mouth on them too if my general parlance is anything to fucking go by. They shall also have an acute understanding of the strange times, which by the time I explain it, shall no doubt be even stranger.

It's also worth noting that this voice to text thing is picking up pretty much everything now. This is just one of countless technologies and advancements that didn't even exist when I was born. They're living in the future and they'll be grateful for it too.

Spoiler, there's an incredible degree of ignorance and bias. It's a fine example of someone widely regarded as "smart" being a Dawkins level of asshole. It's an odd variation of SGITR, I think. Something like because people have assigned them a status as "smart" or "able to argue passably well" becomes a de-facto authority on things that they're wildly uniformed of.

It looks to me like we're shifting into a strange time when experts in their respective fields are trusted far less than before. Rather than discuss the matter with related experts, there's a tendency to grab the nearest sack of skin that others have deemed "smart" and treat them like an oracle.

For instance, Farage. A "man" who's factual statements on Europe I wouldn't trust and this is arguably his field of expertise. Yet with a quick google I can learn his opinion all sorts of things about the world which are demonstrably false. The important point to note here is that someone has bothered to spend the time asking the questions and making the answers available.

There's trump, and little needs to be said here. In the past 18 months he's been asked nearly everything you can imagine and been found wanting in the extreme. But somehow, he's now the ultimate SGITR. A man that couldn't even understand basic questions about US nuclear arms is soon to be in charge of them.

Little too, needs to be said of Harris. Very smart in a very limited capacity but fond of making idiot statements on a whole range of things. It's not a bad thing to not know something or perhaps need a concept explained to you. Yet when was the last time you remember anyone asking for clarification of a topic or term in an interview? The Allepo guy? Notice now infrequent it is? He was rightly crucified for it but it's the only off-hand example I can think of where the urge to be seen as all-knowing just wasn't there.

It seems like a lot of people have all the answers nowadays and not one of those answers is "Fucked if I know." This is also the only answer that should be given to 99% of the questions these people are asked.

Anyway, we're going to see a lot more people saying a lot more stupid things in the foreseeable future. If you need to boost your blood pressure, this will probably be an easy place to do it.

Giving you the best odds around with Payouts SO YUGE you look at my hands and say "These payouts are huge, and the odds, the odds are overwhelming" The Officially Stamped Betting Cabal is taking bets large and small on any and all forthcoming bullshit.

Think Alex Jones might be trump's press secretary? Hey, the breitbart guy is in so I'd throw a piranha on it.

Shkreli for the new FBI head? Two monkeys, just for fun. A banana for getting something.

Guessing the next front opens in Africa and not the middle east? Surely worth two donkeys and a chisel.

Palin for state secretary? No? Supreme court judge material you say? Then quit after two weeks? Well, throw a wheelbarrow on it and let's see.

You see, dear friends, that we are firmly in the grip of the strange times. And we shall fight this, like we fight everything else (often each-other), but that is just one part of it all. The other, the much more important, is to LAUGH at it all. You know i'm not always talking about that happy or healthy laugh either. But laugh we must, and what better laughter comes than from a horrible notion plucked from the air AND THEN LAND A PAYOUT THAT YOU WOULD NEVER OF CONCEIVED OF. OH GODS I PROMISE YOU, SHOULD YOU WIN YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE PAYOUT THAT SHALL BE INFLICTED GRIEVOUSLY UPON THEEGENEROUSLY REWARDED BEYOND REASON. Really, you just won't believe it. If you're struggling to start, look at that picture of trump/farage in front of the GOLD(bronze) door and repeat the holy mantra:

And remember before you bet, I've just had a daughter literally today. The last few months have fucking crept by, the weeks moreso, and now, I have a kid. A tiny ball of innocence that I shall be dragging through this era and having to explain so much bullshit as it already stands, I can barely conceive of it. If you saw that ever happening you're a better fucking man than I.

On lengthy consideration of your situation, both personally and nationwide, I have an idea that may be beneficial to you.

Firstly, let us establish some key facts.

Fact #1 - You deal with management that is ineffective, incompetent and unlikely to be missed in a significant regard.

Fact #2 - The mountain is doing very important work.

Fact #3 - A mountain is a pretty easy position to defend.

Fact #4 - The equipment atop said mountain is valuable.

Fact #5 - Walmarts and such are everywhere and provide huge quantities of goods, both edible and practical.

Fact #6 - The potable water problem is moving to being resolved.

Fact #7 - There is only one non suicidal path up/down the mountain.

When considering these facts and the general way your country is going, a solution seems quite obvious.

I propose that you consider taking a leaf from Cliven Bundy's book and militia up. Quietly. Feed upper management to nearby bears, dedicate a person from middle/lower management to be responsible for maintaining their communications to the outside world.

Done right, you could probably stockpile enough food and sundries to last for a few years. With a few relatively simple preparations the mountain could be turned into something close to a bond villan's hideout. If you're not inclined to feed the bears then the management could be set to tunnelling duties for a handy escape route. If you're suitably low-key about enough of this, you could probably last 6 months before anyone even realises there's been a coup.

Even if you're discovered sooner than this, just follow the Bundy playbook of being insanely fucking unreasonable and you might just be allowed to get away with it. In the meantime, you've got time to SCIENCE to your hearts content. Even when you are discovered, you have the perfect platform to espouse whatever you feel like to a national audience. The more crazy you go with that, the more supporters you'll attract.

This is far from a complete plan, but the bones are there and it's got to be worth considering. When your county is turning to shit, surely the best approach is to sidestep it and just get on with the crap that actually matters anyway.

I find cause to examine the current monkey motivations for a range of things. As an impartial watcher of mankind for your race, I suspect you may have valuable insights.

A long time ago, a horrible sales bastard taught me that the main motivations to any decision being made are:

1-Greed2-Ignorance3-Anger4-Practicality5-Love

In pretty much that order. If you can suss why a decision is being made in the first place, you can just keep shouting about that particular thing and get your way.

I hated that man with an extreme passion, mainly because he seems to even still be right. We've got some smarter monkeys emerging, sure, but they're still wired to fuck themselves or each other over. If this isn't on a biological level, it's at the least built into the framework of society.

Take the example in the open bar thread. Reasonable explanations were Hucksterism or idiocy. The educational background killed that, so you're left with a smart monkey acting out the top motivation. Greed, for our purposes here covers self interest in the simplest forms. If there's a quick buck or benefit, greed.

Next most common, you have Ignorance. I had a recent client that paid in excess of £400 for a free piece of software from their trusted outsourced IT. They didn't need it and it's barely worthwhile for what it is for anyway. But it's a nice logo and easy sell. I'm sure I've told you all about the guy who leased a fax machine for £30/month. This decade.

Next up are the OUTRAGED at THINGS. The cause is all that matters and whether that cause will actually help or hurt them they've made their decision and they're not changing it. Not for anything like evidence and self righteousness kicks in if you offer incentives for changing their minds.

Now into terrible minorities here, around 10% (or less) are actually making decisions based on what the problem is what what will likely solve it. These people call you and have already sold themselves. When this occurs in a non business sense, you can get anything from reasonable people to those with more extreme solutions. This is unfortunate as I mentioned these people are practical so the chance of actual harm escalates wildly.

Then finally, the lovestruck. Another minority overall (Under 5% was the pitched number). These are as often in love with themselves as much as others and make decisions based around how they will appear to the object of their affections. Affectation is all with these buggers and logic doesn't really feature.

I never discussed Woo with arsehole that told me about this. This leads to the question of how much Woo is currently just greed compared to ignorance. And further questions about if the main motivation still driving the world is in fact greed. Ignorance seems to be climbing at an alarming rate.

Five Dallas police officers have been killed and six wounded by gunmen during protests against the shooting of black men by police, authorities say.Three people are in custody and one man who was in a stand-off with police shot himself dead, US media have reported.Gunfire broke out at around 20:45 local time on Thursday (01:45 GMT Friday) as demonstrators marched through the city.The protests were sparked by the deaths of Philando Castile in Minnesota and Alton Sterling in Louisiana.The Dallas attack marks the deadliest toll on US law enforcement officers since the 9/11 attacks in 2001.

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Chief Brown said the suspects were all believed to have been working together, using rifles to carry out attacks while the rally was taking place.He added: "We do not have a comfort level that we have all the suspects."

Why? Well, this week you've got the first biological terror attack in the US by a cult, through the use of diarrhoea. Who done it? Well technically the Guru, you may recall the guy who wanted to get into the Guinness book of records for having the most Rolls Royces? No? Then you need to listen to this shit.

"Where did all this idiocy occur?"", you may wonder. Where else, but Portland?

As technology progresses, I've been increasingly thinking about Laws and the justice system.

To start with, it's an odd word to use; Law. It would imply, that like say Gravity, it would apply and be enforced all the time. Without fail or favour. It seems to me that we are increasingly reaching a point where it would in fact be trivial to do this.

Think about it. Everything on-line is monitored by a variety of folk. You're on CCTV from the moment you leave indoors. Staying inside is an option but the phones are tapped and they can just switch on your mobile's microphone whenever they feel bored. Hell, they can go old school and just stick remote surveillance on your place and watch the windows to know exactly what you're actually saying. Sound reconstruction is crazily advanced now. Or go quite modern and just shine a laser at your place to know what you own that you shouldn't. This is all assuming they don't want to get handsy and come a-knocking.

Now, that might sound slightly paranoid, with the "they" and the remarkably intrusive shit for no reason. And yet it happens. Constantly. Daily. Increasingly frequently.

So, Laws. As before, I would understand a Law to be something that would be enforced constantly. And it seems so easy to do so given that half of the above is done to you already whether you like it or not. For your own safety, of course.

Upon then pondering the myriad of Laws that I am apparently bound to obey, the natural conclusion would seem to be that I am a horrendous criminal, as well as likely everyone else I know. Take a simple motorway journey. Sit in the slow lane at 80. You'll be being overtaken by around 70% of traffic. Anywhere. Minimum. A GPS system to monitor this is a pittance. If even the simplest of traffic laws were enforced with 100% efficiency, then there would be stunning numbers of banned drivers overnight. You literally wouldn't be able to build the required jails and such quickly to deal with it.

This leads me to thinking that we may need to look at some of the crimes we punish and how we punish them. Honestly, consider what your potential fine or jail term is just from what you've done today. If you honestly think it's nothing then the chances are you're not familiar with all of the laws that apply to you. You certainly aren't skilled at thinking like a servant of the Law.

Which leads to enforcement. The classic scene of a dossier filled with pictures slapped in front of the guilty. You're very, very guilty. Of what? Well, what would you like to talk about? By default, you're having this conversation with someone who has access to at least the crudest methods of surveillance, and if so inclined likely others. This is an easy reality for anyone who wants to bother. Most of the time they won't need to as you're already spilling your guts. Do you think confessions and testimonies against others increase or decrease in a recession? Check it out, I wonder why those numbers are like that.

There are, surely, some Laws that universal enforcement would be laudable. Crimes against beings and to a relevant extent property should probably prevented and deterred. Just saying there's obviously some lines that most would like to draw.

To me, the current various justice systems seem to be lacking incredibly behind what current technology could potentially enforce. You would need to take an immediate look at every single law and consider the what 100% enforcement would do and if if such a thing is wise.

And then I think, I am a horrible old man. Surely brighter, younger minds have considered the shape of the society they are perpetuating into the future.

I look at the politicians and I wonder.

I look at the police and I wonder.

I look at the press and I wonder.

I wonder when they will all stop being so fucking stupid and help people.

I've been considering my personal biases and boycotts list of late. You'll be shocked to know that I have more than a few. I'm sure I'm not alone in having a fairly extensive list of companies and such that I try to avoid handing any kind of money or information to. I'm fairly sure that we all despise different corporations and products to varying degrees.

So, with that in mind, I'm somewhat curious as to who/what you good people try to avoid. Here's (some of) mine:

Facebook - If you need explanation on this one, you really haven't been paying attention. I've avoided it thus far as well as most other forms of social media.

Coca-Cola - From the sponsoring of the Nazi Olympics to deplete wells in third world nations to killing Union reps where it can get away with it, few brands match it in how shitty a corporation can really be.

Any Bottled water sold by anyone anywhere - Paying over a quid for something that falls out of tap for essentially free is madness. I've broken this when in countries where drinking the tap water was verboten but with considerable resentment. Also, various environmental issues and scams abound.

Today, Horrible Uncle Junkie officially opens his heart to all poor souls needing a little HORRIBLE WISDOM in their lives. I'm sure other fine Doktors will assist operations as required.

First up, Little Billy Raztech (19) asked:

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I'm surrounded by redskins fans right now. Productivity has almost entirely been replaced by bitching. And they still won't turn down the fucking smooth jazz. How do I improve my situation?

Well firstly, like all advice columns, here's a sentence or two of padding and bullshit. This is apparently mandatory and people who get paid for this charge by the word. Let's call it setting precedence because I'm obviously pre-famous now. Yeah, that's how it works.

Secondly, I'm going to re-phrase your statement to make forthcoming actions much more palatable to deal with. "Organised sports fans won't SHUT UP and DO SHIT. And the music is bad."

This is obviously intolerable.

The start of the problem, is that you don't give a huge fuck about X. This is kind of your problem. To all of them, you are now THAT GUY. They've got a collective emotion which you don't give a fuck about. There's also enough of them who aren't paid enough to give a fuck to keep doing their job.

The first option is simple - Slack off yourself, zone out and be in the conversation in body only. Simple meditation techniques are useful here. A nice one for beginners is "pick a film you know really well and watch it in your head". Everyone's got a film they've seen that much, or swap in a album if you're so inclined. If there isn't one already in your head, watch the same film 4-5 times in a row, in a day. Pick something good. I've got Return of the Jedi and regret it now. With the odd grunt and general mumbling with the group feeling, this is an easy low level out.

Step up, would be earplugs if at all possible. Move away and crack on solo as far as possible.

Don't want to slack by yourself or in a group? Actually need to get shit done? Well shit. First thing is that music. If you can't seize control or demand equal/equitable time with your own tastes - IT GOES. Safety first is a good one, "does this place have a broadcasting consent (Check your own laws and lingo - most workplaces need some form of license to play music/radio/TV.) Guess how many places have one.

Both of those no good? Shit. You could try company policies and procedures, or you could just sabotage some shit. You would be AMAZED at how long it can take some places to fix a cut wire. Work late one day and scope it out on the QT. Leave it at least 3-4 days after the recon, longer if possible, shorter is sloppy, especially if you've already made a stink. Don't get smart and think about evidence, just ensure no CCTV and eventually a rat will get blamed. It's obviously better to go for as close to the speaker as possible, and the speaker in an ideal world. If you can get free reign, your best case is

THIS SHIT.

Expanding foam, motherfucker. A tin isn't very expensive and they'll spend a good while thinking they can fix the speaker before realizing it's FUBAR. Any of those should buy you a couple of days of blessed silence. It's also value for money as one tin can cover quite a few speakers. I recommend a 20 second spray/stop pretty much regardless of brand. As soon as you can see foam, you're golden.

So, it's quiet but those fuckwits are still going on about local sports team?

Well, you have options, but they change drastically on your relative position to them.

Assuming you are senior, and need them to do things, you must TELL THEM WHAT. Loudly. State consequences for the next most senior person. You are already that guy to them in this situation, so revel as you become an immediate outlet for their ire and continue to TELL THEM WHAT.

Assuming equal or junior, TELL THEM WHAT. State that consequences are going to befall THEM not YOU.

Other options include, but are not limited to:

- Full on THAT GUY. Embrace your role as that guy and talk as loudly as possible at all costs about something that interests only you. If anyone shares or picks up on that conversation, you need to be more hipster than thou. Not the film, not the special edition of the film, not the 1997 recut of the film, you're talking about main actor edited recut of the pre-screened 1996 version that was shot in sepia on a handheld camera film. Bore the piss out of them with it. Directly ignore conversation not related to it and ask questions only about it. When this gets questioned state that they are boring the piss out of you so it seemed only reasonable to do it back.

-Self entertainment - Human siren. Any conversation about Local sports team will have the same fucking words, phrases and expressions used over and over and over and over until you get the red fading in a little. Pick a couple of these and choose some noises. A cough, hum, short whistle are good. Whenever what you picked comes up, subtly make the noise. Examine the group. See if any are prone to mimicking mannerisms. I bet at least 1 is in any group of 5+. Now, what did we learn from Uncle Pavlov? It is possible to have 6 people in a group of 10 making a humming sound after a players name before one questions why the fuck that's going on. I suspect higher numbers are possible with a bigger group.

The possibility or realities of actual consequences are remote? Well, fuck man, don't you have a phone or something? It's the future and you're moaning about shitty workmates? You seem to have EMPLOYMENT and INTERNET ACCESS in a WESTERN NATION. Compared to many you're doing pretty damn peachy. And hey, if it always gets too much, you can just punch the most irritating bastard in the mouth and quit. Sometimes, that's the best damn thing to do.