Non-Scale Victories

A few days ago I posted on IG about how I was afraid to weigh in. My clothes have been looser (and I went down a size in jeans) but Halloween really set me back. Suddenly I had access to candy at work and at home and try as I might to resist, I had a lot of candy. Dammit! But a friend, and fellow long time maintainer, commented and said to weigh in, accept it, move on and do better. So I did. And it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. I was 1 pound up from my last weigh in. Not bad at all after four days of candy eating.

NSV this week – I had to buy a new bra. I was a 34DD for years and when I got pregnant and was nursing I was a 38DD. My bras are now too big! I had to buy a new one! And going down one size felt good and very motivating!

Something I’ve been reflecting on lately is that this diet is super hard for me to maintain. I can do it pretty well for a few weeks and then carb creep starts to happen and I find that I am getting closer and closer to 100 grams of carbs on most days. I don’t know why I am so good at it in the beginning but then end up failing–especially since my goal is 50 grams of carbs (so not a true low carb diet, which seems IMPOSSIBLE to me!).

I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should try and focus on keep my carbs low during the work week (it’s usually easier for me to stay on track during the week) and then on the weekends just have a normal diet, eat whatever I want in moderation and stay within my calorie goals. So instead of a cheat meal, just take a break on the weekends.

This is something I’ve been thinking about lately. Curious what my readers think, especially if they have experience doing a similar diet. Thoughts?

New recipe:

Lately I’ve been craving meatballs. Michael was happy to oblige and make some low carb meatballs I found online! He used this recipe: Low Carb Meatballs.

I made a salad and topped it with the meatballs and feta cheese plus Goddess Dressing. The meatballs were so good! We both loved them. They turned out really well and held together well, too, despite no breadcrumbs. The recipe was a bit on the salty side, but overall it was really good. And I loved that it was low in carbs.

Michael made extras so that I can take some to work for lunches this week. He said he could eat these meatballs every week. 😀 Definitely a winner!

New To Me:

I had this as an afternoon snack one day:

Bone broth. 40 calories, 9 grams of protein (love that!), no carbs. It was kind of a blustery, fall day and sipping on some hot broth was nice. In the future, I would do this with a snack. It felt slightly weird to just drink some bone broth. I think some cheese or nuts or something would be nice to have with it.

Cheat Meal

I don’t know that I really “deserved” a cheat meal last week since I ate a few pieces of Halloween candy basically every single day…sigh…but I decided part of the reason I was eating candy again was because the low card diet is so restrictive. I hoped a legit cheat meal would reset my brain (and it kind of did).

I met up with my friend Robyn for a long overdue girl’s dinner. We met up at Maru Korean Restaurantand it was really good! We both got a beer with dinner. I ordered the bibimbap and she got something similar, except hers came in a sizzling pot that made the rice crispy.

They brought out a bunch of toppings, too. I really liked my dinner. It was a lot of food and I didn’t eat all of it. It was a little heavy on the rice and light on the beef, but the flavors were really good. We both enjoyed our dinners and I’d go back to that restaurant for sure.

“In our warped minds pictures become frozen mirrors that we can stare at as we pick apart our features over and over again. I know girl. I know.”

This was me for a really long time. Probably most of my life. I ducked for cover whenever someone brought out a camera at a party or event. If I was forced into participating in the picture I was the one that hid in the very back behind the group of people so that I could hide my body. I was just a floating head in the background.

My other move was to not have body shots taken. A lot of pictures were from the chest up. Not that that really hid the fact that I was fat, but somehow it was better for me.

Another trick: wear baggy clothes or big jackets/sweaters and to hold purses and bags and stuff in front of my body. Not foolin’ anyone!

As I was losing 100 pounds I started to get better about allowing photos to be taken of me. It was slow. It’s not like I lost 20, 30 or 40 pounds and immediately was like “yeah! I’m ok with pictures now!” I was still reluctant. But I’m glad I did get some photos because I get to look back now and see the transformation I made. I didn’t notice the weight loss as I was smack-dab in the middle of it. I couldn’t tell I was losing weight (other than having to buy new clothes in smaller sizes) until it was a drastic change. Looking at yourself in the mirror every day, you don’t see the changes.

The above photo was taken the day I weighed in at 50 pounds lighter–the day of my brother’s wedding. I was SO glad I reached that first goal before his wedding and that I was able to enjoy the day and not feel self-conscious about my body and not enjoy being in the photographs. It wasn’t about me and how I felt about my fat. It was a day for my brother and his wife to celebrate and I’m glad I’m in those photos. No matter what size I am.

“…always waiting for this elusive moment where I would be thin enough (pretty enough) to have such a permanent record of me. Because, you know, HEAVEN FORBID there be any proof that I look the way I actually look.”

That above quote from the article was TOTALLY me. Not only was I waiting to be thin enough for photos to be ok, I was waiting to be thin enough TO BE HAPPY. “I’ll be happy when I lose 50 pounds.” Why can’t I be happy now??

I’m also happy I have some photos of my heavy days (even if it’s not many) because sometimes I forget that was ever me. I see old pictures and I don’t recognize that person, I can’t relate and it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at myself. But I’m glad I have them because I can look back and think “that was that amazing trip to Chicago I took with my best friend!” I’m not thinking “that was the trip I took when I was 250 pounds.”

I think many of us have been there. But have you ever stopped to think, isn’t this a moment that I would like to remember someday? Even if it’s not my ideal body weight, wouldn’t I rather look back years to come and remember this moment? Christmas with family? Especially if family memories have passed away. Am I going to look at the photo and think “God I look fat in this photo!” or am I going to look at the photo and think “I really miss Grandpa. I’m so glad we got to spend that last Christmas together”??

Your children want pictures with their mom.

Your husband wants pictures with his beautiful wife.

Your mom and dad want pictures of the happy, successful, amazing woman they raised (ok, and more pictures of the grandkids while you’re at it)

So you’re feeling too fat to be photographed? . . . Ok. But you’re the only one who notices. The rest of us are too caught up in loving you.

Now that I’m pregnant and obviously going to be gaining weight, I’m trying not to focus on that. I’m growing a human. It’s not like I’m bingeing on pizza and ice cream like I did when I was 250 pounds. That was a different beast altogether. I’m trying to focus on my body as a healthy vessel for the baby, not criticize the weight gain or pick apart pictures of me that may not be the most flattering. It’s important to me to have PHOTOS of this magical time in my life. I want to look back years from now and think happy thoughts, not negative thoughts about weight gain. I’m trying to change my perspective.

What about you? Are you hiding from the camera or embracing life as it is in the moment?