Three months have passed since I was hired as a junior reporter. During that three months I tried my best to adapt and become a good reporter, and so did my colleagues. My motives were good, so I became a good reporter. Also, whenever I needed to give up my freedom to make everyone look like better journalists, if that was more comfortable for them, I did it that way. And if they wanted me to, I changed a lot of things for them.
I have had a lot of time to think over the last three months. I realized that the directors have to go through this process every year. The directors give up many things and put down much of themselves for the job. Now, when I look back to when I was a cub reporter last year, the former director must have given up a lot of his or her stuff for our consideration.
But no matter how indifferent the world is, no matter how much I sacrifice and try, no matter how hard I try, no one else can understand, unless I speak out. Rather, if these sacrifices and efforts continue, my colleagues will think it is their right to expect this of me and that it is my duty. I don't expect anything from anyone else. The thing is, in the future, someone will have to lead the organization as a managing editor, and this will often occur to them. I wish to say to them; sometimes you will feel bitter or sad because it is not easy to fully understand anything before you try. In addition, no one knows about it except you since there is only one person per year. Even my most trusted colleagues who went through the same period of probation do not know how I felt. So, I thought I was the most miserable person at that time.
I have never expressed this honest feeling to my colleagues or seniors because I don't expect that they really understand that this was my duty. On the contrary, if I expected them to understand my experiences, I would be disappointed or frustrated by such expectations.
But now I've changed my mind to keep the next person after me from having these worries. I am not sure whether by listening to what I say they can truly agree or even understand the situation, but there is no possibility if I don’t try. That's why I try to make changes believing that I am doing my best and trying to understand them.