The tradition in our family is that between Christmas and New Years you travel to the Grandparents to visit. Well on Monday my parents announced they were coming to me on Saturday at 2pm. No I was not asked I was told, they did offer to take us to lunch if the kids could behave but I asked to cook because I do love to do it. My BFF comes over because she knows any outing with the parents have the potential to go downhill really rapidly.

My parents arrive and it begins the critique of the noise in my house. We sit down to eat and thankfully they do think I am an excellent cook so that part went well. We sit down for gifts and my Mom looks at the photos of the girls I gave her and it starts officially.

“M2 is maturing, does she understand about her body at this point? Have you discusses her menses with her or did you put that off? Does she use deodorant? I see she is not wearing a bra she really needs to at this point.”

“M1 is a woman at this point have you discussed anything at all about relationships not that you know anything about them, maybe “BFF” should discuss this with her. Are you still controlling everything like you use to do? You know if you keep being over bearing she won’t want to come back and see you when you age.”

I shoot a glance at my BFF and see her jaw is on the floor. I don’t try to defend myself as I learned years ago that will only drag it out longer. M1 made a joke about M2 being crazy and before I can say a word my Mom opens her mouth “Well your Mother is to blame for that.” M1 looks wounded and says “My mom isn’t crazy” and my Mom retorts “Sweetie I raise her for 17 years I know all about her” Behind my Mom’s back I shake my head “no” at M1 there is no point in defending me she will only go down too. My BFF pulls M1 into the kitchen and I hear her saying “No it’s ok your Mom isn’t mad she just knows not to fight it won’t get her anywhere.” Yes honey here is where you see me doing what I tell you to do, say nothing and just walk away.

We exchange gifts and the kids are happy with what Gramma and Pop Pop got them. In the midst of it Little Man stands up and gets in my face and yells “Get me batteries right now!!” Well I grabbed him quick standing between him and my Mom as I knew my Mom’s reflex would be to smack his face. I inform him that the ONLY thing I am doing right now is helping Little Bit and that this bought of rudeness just earned him time in the chair. He shouts “NO” and I pick him up and place him in the chair. He looks stymied and I hear my BFF say ‘No Mom don’t” I quick shoot her a look no we do NOT use corporal punishment in this house. My Mom sits down quickly stating loudly “Well if you knocked that defiance out of him now you wouldn’t have the same issues you have with M2” Right because hitting someone with Autism smacks the autism out of them and smacking someone with oppositional defiant disorder suddenly cures them. OMG whatever!!!!!

The kids keep it mostly together after that and we have some pleasant conversations before they have to go. Once they leave my BFF looks at me and says “Holy crap ANYM, I don’t know how you just keep your mouth shut!!” All I can think is the line from Madagascar when the penguin says “Smile and wave boys, just smile and wave”

I did wave too as my parents pulled out the driveway and I thought “Phew off the hook till Easter” Yeah I love them I really do, but I love them so much more when they are not in my house critiquing my parenting abilities.