5. Every. Single. Time.

6. On the bright side.

7. Ostomy math.

Box of 10 one-piece appliances. Throw in 15 stickers for use on the poo gas vent (which clogs after day one, causing the bag to fill with poo gas anyway). Add 5 garbage bags to dispose of pouches after use.

Now, if Timmy changes his poo bag 10 times, and the company that makes his poo bags puts 5 garbage bags in with his 10 poo bags (which are not reusable because of the poo), does Timmy have enough garbage bags to take care of the job at hand? Please show your work...

8. I think you could be onto something here.

"Look what they are selling at stores now. Maybe we can all become rich... or actually pay back our medical bills!!"

9. Rise and shine!

"Woke up with a balloon on my stomach. Surprised I didn’t fly away."

10. Naming your stoma?

"I call my stoma ‘Politician’ because it's either completely full of crap, or making a lot of noise but not producing a damn thing."

11. She's got skills, all right.

12. Maybe a guy thing?

"I tried educating my buddies about ostomies. The only take-home message was that I can’t fart anymore."

13. On saying goodbye…

"This is my colon, Bob. After we were separated, he went on to become a TV star. And no, he never calls."