Did anyone else have the misfortune to endure the BBC's FA Cup coverage over the weekend? Your cheery Mill asks only to clarify several matters: (1) Why did John Motson and Mark Lawrenson insist John Arne Riise's shot had broken Alan Smith's leg - and the wrong one at that? (2) If Graeme Le Saux's claims that Southampton goalkeeper Bartosz Bialkowski was feigning injury to deflect attention from a handling error can get him live prime-time work, where do we sign? (3) Was there really any need for Garth Crooks to be so school-marmish towards a passionate 17-year-old revelling in the greatest moment of his young career? (4) When rubber-faced compère Gary Lineker chuckled away to himself last night, claiming, "Sylvain Distin's volley, ahem, missed by a Distin!" did he really think the country was chortling away with him?

Console yourself, somewhat at least, then that your trusty anchorman and his merry band of fawning acolytes won't be living it up at your licence-fee-paying expense at Wembley's May inauguration after all. That's right: get set for a Cup final trip to Cardiff, because the stadium won't be ready in time. Even England's subsequent World Cup warm-up matches are being shifted to Old Trafford, meaning gloomy faces at the Hungarian and Jamaican FAs. Expect a Thursday confirmation, insist the Daily Mail of "sport's worst-kept secret", who also claim August's Community Shield is now expected to mark the stadium's official opening.

Elsewhere, word has it that Thierry Henry's been house-hunting in Barcelona. Catalan TV3 presenter Pere Gere claims he bumped into the soon-to-be-ex-Gunner in Castelldefelf, just south of the city, where a host of the club's top players - including Ronaldinho - reside. Cunning Gere neglected to tell Thierry that he was a journalist, and the Frenchman told all, apparently. "Hey Bobby: what's French for naive? Oh."

Not since Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith led the A-Team through a host of weekly adventures has there been such a crack unit founded on core values of decisiveness and true cunning. But that's all changing now Brian "BA" Barwick and his FA squad are closing in on a new England manager. The bulky team leader plans to take Dave Richards and Noel White to dinner - presumably five-course - and persuade them to back his No1 choice as Sven's successor, Martin O'Neill, although they're both pinning their colours to different runners - Stuart Pearce and Alan Curbishley, respectively.

Now for the quickfire round: fuming that he failed to replace hapless own-goal merchant Ricardo Carvalho during the transfer window, Jose Mourinho is hoping to tempt Tottenham with a £17m summer bid for Ledley King; Freddy Shepherd has dashed supporters' hopes by ruling Ottmar Hitzfeld out of the running for the Newcastle job; Wigan boss Paul Jewell believes sending a scout to all Brondby's games will persuade Swedish striker Johan Elmander to complete a £5m move; and with his best offer currently coming from Tamworth, Paul Merson will return to Walsall as a player and join his managerial heir, the inspirational David Platt.