When Guys Get Too Friendly

Groping isn't just something that happens in Hollywood. Read these shocking stories -- and learn how to protect yourself.

The stories about Arnold Schwarzenegger's alleged sexual misconduct -- a pat on the butt here, grabbing a breast there -- made it perfectly clear: Twelve years after the Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas hearings, men can still behave badly. In fact, in a poll of Redbook readers, an astounding 81 percent of you said you had received unwanted advances (either verbal or physical) from men in a work situation, and 75 percent of you have been harassed outside the office (e.g., by a social acquaintance or a stranger).

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How should you react if you're in a situation where a man crosses the line? Find out what these women did, so you can learn from their experiences -- and stay safe.

"My husband's close friend came on to me"
When Melonie Mika's* fiancé, Jack, introduced her to his core group of friends not long after the couple started dating, she was eager to fit in. So when his longtime friend, Joe, began telling her she was beautiful, Melonie took it as "a compliment to Jack." Then things changed. "When Joe's wife wasn't around," says Melonie, 35, "he'd lean in and whisper, 'You're so sexy,' as if it were our little secret." Even worse: One day at a social gathering at Joe's house, he grabbed her bottom. "I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, since this was Jack's close friend, so I didn't say anything," says Melonie. "But I gave him a look. He just laughed it off." Convinced it would destroy friendships and Joe's marriage if word got out about the incident, she never said anything about it.

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A few months later, when Jack and Melonie temporarily broke off their engagement, Joe told her he wanted to see her romantically. "I told him, 'First off, you've got a beautiful wife and child, and second, I'm not interested in you,'" says Melonie. After she and Jack got re-engaged, she told him all. Jack confronted his friend, and they haven't spoken since.

The expert's advice:
It would have been better if Melonie had confronted Joe right from the get-go, which also would have helped fend off further sexual advances, says Tim Ursiny, Ph.D., a Chicago-based psychologist and author of The Coward's Guide to Conflict. "The first time Joe whispered in her ear, she could have simply said: 'Joe, it makes me uncomfortable when you do that.' If he continued, she could have turned her reaction up a notch, as in, 'Joe, this is a perfect example of what I said before.'" Confiding in her fiancé early on would also have been a good idea, says Ursiny, since by keeping the information from him, she potentially drove a wedge between herself and Jack. A simple account of what happened ("Joe whispered in my ear, and it made me feel uncomfortable") would have brought the issue out into the open, so the couple could have discussed how to deal with it -- together.

*Names have been changed.

"My boss called me 'Legs'"
Sara Whitman, 43, will never forget the day when, having just started a new job, she walked into her first big meeting with her colleagues, and her boss, Donald, referred to her as "Legs." Equally offensive comments continued almost daily, such as the time he told Sara that a junior associate would never succeed because she wasn't "good-looking like [Sara]."

Knowing she'd need a record of such incidents before she could report him to human resources, she began keeping a log. After about a year, when she started to hear similar stories from several employees, Sara and four other women took their case to human resources, and Donald had to take workforce behavior training. Eventually, Sara took their case to the firm's attorney. Soon after, her boss was fired.

The expert's advice:
"Sara protected her job by not confronting her boss directly and building her case," says Holly English, author of Gender on Trial: Sexual Stereotypes and Work/Life Balance in the Legal Workplace. "Since HR and company lawyers always want proof, it took a while. But she got results." And what about the women Arnold Schwarzenegger allegedly harassed on the job -- did they handle the situation properly? The women who complained of groping or lewd comments didn't file a complaint at the time because they reportedly didn't want to lose their jobs. To protect themselves, they could have chosen a powerful intermediary to speak on their behalf. For instance, after Schwarzenegger allegedly pulled Rhonda Miller, a stuntwoman who worked with him on Terminator 2 and True Lies, onto his lap and tried to touch her breasts, says English, "if she had a preexisting relationship with someone higher up, she could talk with them. They would have the influence to take Arnold aside and say, 'This isn't acceptable.'"

"A guy at the gym kept flirting with me"
When Dwayne, a casual acquaintance at the gym where Chris Cander works out, went from friendly to flirtatious toward her a few months ago, she thought nothing of it. She assumed everyone there knew she was married. After all, Chris and her husband worked out together on weekends and she wore her wedding band (although she usually wore gloves when working out). So she was surprised when Dwayne asked, "What would you say if a good-looking guy came up to you at the gym and asked you out on a date?" She responded, "I'd say something back that would humiliate him in front of the stronger and more intelligent men at the gym." Dwayne laughed nervously and walked away. They haven't talked since.

The expert's advice:
"Since Dwayne may not have realized Chris was married, she would have been better off giving a response that was not only direct and honest but also respectful, so that she would have sent a clearer message to Dwayne about why his comment bothered her," says Ursiny. "Let's say Chris had said, 'No, thanks, I'm married,' but Dwayne replied, 'Yeah, but what if the right guy came along?' Then the more aggressive answer Chris gave would have been on target."

"A coworker kissed me on the cheek"
From the time she began her job as a staff writer at a Florida newspaper, Peggy Chase, 28, felt uneasy about the attentions of her coworker, Mike. He'd stop by her cubicle and sit on her desk, invariably too close for her comfort. Mike seemed like more of a nuisance than a threat until one day, as he was leaving the office, he gave her a wet kiss on the cheek.

A few days later, she casually mentioned the incident to Sam, her boss, who confronted Mike. The next day, Mike apologized to Peggy, adding, "When [Sam] mentioned 'sexual harassment,' I thought, 'Whoa! I never meant it that way.'" After that, the two spoke only in passing.

The expert's advice:
Although it wasn't surprising that Peggy wanted to mention this bizarre behavior to her boss, with this sort of gray zone of low-level harassment (as opposed to, say, touching a woman's breast, which is, in legal terms, sexual harassment), the first step could have been to speak directly to the individual, says Rick Carson, a Dallas-based psychotherapist. "The moment Mike sat on her desk and she felt discomfort, she could have said, 'Where our relationship is concerned, your intentions seem to be different from mine, and I'm uncomfortable with that. I want us to be just friends,'" says Carson, who is also the author of Taming Your Gremlin, a book about overcoming self-defeating behaviors and beliefs. If Peggy's discomfort kicked in only after he kissed her, Carson adds, "she might have said, 'I don't like that one bit. I don't want you to do that again.'" If Mike continued, Peggy could have then reported him to her boss.

"Some guy put his hand on my butt"
Lauren David Peden was standing in line at a crowded newsstand when she felt someone behind her standing uncomfortably close. She turned around to discover a guy in a pinstriped suit gripping a briefcase in one hand -- and her butt in the other. "When I realized he was cupping my butt," says Lauren, 43, "I yelled, 'Get your hand off my ass before I kick yours!'" He quickly ran away and lost himself in the crowd.

The expert's advice:
Was Lauren's strong response effective? Yes -- but that doesn't mean that's always the best way to go. "A man who would do this might do something even more aggressive," says English. "So it's important to assess the safety of your situation." Lauren's response made sense for that moment: It was daytime, and there were plenty of people around. But if it had been just the two of them -- on an elevator, for instance -- she would have been better off saying nothing and, of course, getting away from this guy as quickly as possible.

1. Send an "I'm off-limits" signal. You've noticed the tendency of a guy you know to act inappropriately. Whenever he's around, talk about your happy personal life -- as in, "My husband is so great" -- to make it clear you're not available.

2. Avoid sensitive situations. If a man you don't know well offers you a ride to an off-site business meeting, politely decline. If he insists, stand your ground -- even if he makes you feel silly for doing so.

3. Use humor. When you notice someone verging on bad behavior -- say, a stranger leers at you or stands too close -- send a back-off message tinged with humor (such as, "Hey, not so close there!"), since a more confrontational approach could make the situation escalate.

Why do men behave badly?
What's going on when guys come on too strong? According to psychologist Tim Ursiny, there are men who get a "chemical high" by engaging in risky behavior. "Their drug of choice is the adrenaline that comes from hitting on women who are off-limits," he says. Still, why might a man with so much to lose, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, cross the line? "Many times, people blessed with fortune and power believe the rules don't apply to them, and a sense of entitlement develops," says Ursiny. "Other times, it's just for the rush. It's hard to get thrills once you get to that level."