Awards & Honors

Yesh, Right! I don't HAVE any "Awards & Honors" - so nominate me for something - I want one of those badge things to put here. I don't care what it is - make up your own award and give it to me. I'm not picky.

Endorsements

"I'm so tired of laughing until pop squirts out my nose and I have to change my underpants after every post."
-Lisa Ann

"Forget Lake Wobegone: I like hearing about Malone, where most of the children are below average, and half the adults are under arrest." - Mike

Our Kim she has a blog and she posts stuff about Malone
Of deadbeats, ads, and history, and things that she has sewn
Her husband has a Harley barn and eats while he is prone
Our Kim she is such a fucking bitch
Makes my ass itch
Our Kim she is such a fucking bitch
- Darkon (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Archive for March, 2007

Norwegian owned supertanker, formerly known as Seawise Giant, Happy Giant, and Jahre Viking. She is 458 metres (1504 feet) in length and 69 m (226 ft) in width, making her the largest ship in the world. She was built between 1979 and 1981, damaged during the Iran-Iraq War, and refloated in 1991, but is now used as an immobile offshore platform for the oil industry.

When Henry Siegel, a New York store owner, got news in 1898 that Macy’s was going to build a gigantic new flagship store on Herald Square, he bought the corner lot for $375,000 to screw over his competitors. The Herald Square Macy’s still has a notch cut out of its corner. The Macy’s store on Queens Boulevard is in the shape of a perfect circle, except for the little bit cut out of one side where the proverbial old lady (this time named Mary Sendek) refused to sell a 7×15-foot back corner of her lot for $200,000 because she wanted her dog to have a place to play.

“In the late ’50s and early ’60s WJJD was a top 40 (popular music) station. At first it had no serious competition for the teenage rock ‘n’ roll audience. After WLS switched to the top 40 format in 1960, WJJD couldn’t compete: WLS had a 50,000 watt clear channel signal vs. WJJD’s 50,000 watts with a directional signal that protected KSL in Salt Lake City; WLS was on 24 hours a day, while WJJD signed on at 4:00 a.m. and off at anywhere from 6:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. depending on the local sunset time in Salt Lake City ; and WLS had a better position on the AM radio dial (890) than WJJD (1160).”

The spinet piano, manufactured from the 1930s until recent times, was a culmination of a trend among manufacturers to make pianos smaller and cheaper. It served the purpose of making pianos available for a low price, for owners who had little space for a piano. Many spinet pianos still exist today, left over from their period of manufacture.

…there are 3.3 micrograms of Uranium per litre of seawater, vs. 0.28 micrograms of Silver and 0.11 micrograms of Gold.

Canada has “Canadian content” rules on the radio. If there’s a reason to use a “Hit The Road, Jack” the station pulls the Canadian 1976 hit instead of the American 1961 version.

Iceland, Berkeley’s own “olympic-sized” public ice rink is closing at the end of March. Its storied history includes Sonja Hennie participating at its inaugural, Christy Yamaguchi’s being a member of its skating club, and Brian Boitano practicing there.

Investigators have reportedly found a rodent-killing chemical sprayed on imported Chinese wheat in the tainted pet food that has killed several animals in the US and Canada.

Someone dies every 3.5 minutes from a stroke. 80 percent of “brain attacks” are preventable. A ministroke could be the prelude to a full- blown stroke.

The Dome project was conceived, originally on a somewhat smaller scale, under John Major’s Conservative government, as a Festival of Britain or World’s Fair-type showcase to celebrate the third millennium. The incoming Labour government elected in 1997 under Tony Blair, greatly expanded the size, scope and funding of the project. It also significantly increased expectations of what would be delivered. Just before its opening Blair claimed the Dome would be “a triumph of confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, excellence over mediocrity” . In the words of BBC correspondent Robert Orchard, “the Dome was to be highlighted as a glittering New Labour achievement in the next election manifesto”.

The Inuit Circumpolar Conference meeting in Barrow, Alaska, in 1977 officially adopted Inuit as a designation for all Eskimos, regardless of their local usages

“Whatever the reason – the catchy tunes, the goofball charisma, those slapstick videos – developmentally disabled people see something significant and tender in Huey Lewis. He
makes them happy….”

Did you know that on March 31st there will be a national hamster race at Petco stores across the US?

Infinity Records, the label that released “The Pina Colada Song,” effectively went out of business while that record was still on the charts. Corporate backer MCA pulled the plug after Infinity took a staggering loss on an album featuring Pope John Paul II.

Zhang Sui, famous astronomer in Tang Dynasty,re-determined more than 150 stars’ location and the size of 28 places in the Arctic on the celestial sphere. compared with the his star map and the Han Dynasty’s, he broke the saying of stars will never change the
position , become one of the world’s scientists first to discovered stars movement. 1000 years earlier than British Halley stars in 1718.

Researchers have discovered a pair of twins who are identical through their mother’s side, but share only half their genes on their father’s side. The ‘semi-identical’ twins are the result of two sperm cells fusing with a single egg — a previously unreported way for twins to come about, say the team that made the finding. The twins are chimaeras, meaning that their cells are not genetically uniform. Each sperm has contributed genes to each child. ”

Making excessive noise that disturbs the neighbors may also be grounds for eviction. Unless your lease says otherwise, before evicting you for breaching the lease in ways other than failing to pay rent, the landlord should notify you that you are in violation of the lease and give you a reasonable time to correct the problem. When you fail to pay rent, however, and your lease makes the rent due in advance (on the 1st of the month), then the landlord can file an eviction suit against you without advance notice.

Churchill did a study of the Battle of Jutland that concluded that the losses of the Indefatigable and Queen Mary has been caused by plunging shells that pierced the tops of their turrets and sent fire down the ammunition supply elevators into the powder magazine.

Sugar Hill was just one of the areas of Harlem. During the 1930s (maybe earlier) Harlem also had the Valley, the Golden Eagle, and the Market. The Valley was a slum area that ran from 130 St. to 140 St. The Golden Eagle had apartment houses that faced Central park, and was where the professional class lived. The Market was a stretch of streets that ran from 110 St. to 115 St. along 7th Avenue, and was where the prostitutes solicited. Sugar Hill was where the affluent people lived in comparitive splendor; it was a sweet life on Sugar Hill.

One of the most bizarre weather patterns known has been photographed at Saturn, where astronomers have spotted a huge, six-sided feature circling the north pole.

In some locales, as long as the light is yellow when the motorist enters the intersection, no offense has been committed; in others, if the light turns red at any time before the motorist clears the intersection, then an offense occurs. In Oregon and other places, a stricter standard applies running a yellow light is an offense, unless the motorist is unable to stop safely.

Ascot Racecourse, a horse-racing venue in England, has an annual event called Royal Ascot week, at which posh people turn up to be seen and photographed and filmed for the national press. There is, indeed, a competitive hat culture among the ladies, who presumably wear these gigantic, ridiculous hats in order to distinguish themselves from the horses.

Eddie Eagle is a spokes-mascot for the NRA teaching children not to pick up guns if they see them lying around

a full 12.3 percent of opera fans said they had tried ‘magic mushrooms,’

if you took all the sand in the Sahara and spread it out, it’d cover north Africa.

STUFF THAT MADE ME LAUGH

He doesn’t want to get his camera splashed?

My bible is convinced that you are both bonkers.

So, they affected your memory, too.

Canada, schmanada, just the US with funny ideas. And no wheat, apparently.

No, but now I think I want to try it.

For example, “Cheer up”, they said, “things could get worse”, so I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.

I’ve worked for guys like that.

A man needs to be stiff when dealing with 72 virgins

Plus, he has the diction of a seven-year-old girl. I keep expecting him to say “I like hortheth”.

But at least now you know what to get your mom for her birthday.

As far as I’m concerned, the answer to the musical question “What’ll you do about me” is “Shoot you, you fucking stalker.”

He eats no fott?

GUESS THE AFCA’N

I personally think that any cricket broadcast on TV should have a crawl saying “Warning this program may cause cerebral hemoraging in Americans”

I’m here for more than the sheep content.

Too late, I just took a drink out of the toilet.

I refuse to lick some stranger’s behind in Nashville.

I’ve been stuck in Lodi and I can tell you it’s no treat.

When it comes to Pussy, I prefer Nashville Pussy,

I want to see those female gymnasts’ nipples protrude through their leotards like ICBMs.

I never could make crosseyed mode work

In the last apartment complex I was in, twice I heard (from different neighbors) “Get the fuck out of my life”.

My barometer is reading my mind while I sleep.

I was granted the status of an “Honorary Rastafarian” by their leader.

I’d watch synchronized swimming with lions.

When I close my eyes, all of you disappear.

Dammit, I’m a neuroscientist, not a urologist!

I’m cleverer and more learnéd than I think.

I lied to the machine at the post office when it asked me if the package contained fruit.

What really gets my juices flowing? The historical development of English syntax! Woohoo! Ask me about the history of “do” as an auxiliary verb: I dare you!

MOTTO’s

When the balls are blue, it’s too cold to play.

There are many varieties of oogy boogy.

No one can explain Clamato.

I want to say Lesbos but I don’t think that’s right.

In the wider scheme of things, usenet is merely a vehicle for stupid schoolyard taunting.

Being Dutch and Canadian at the same time limits one’s options.

When a penguin scoffs at you, you’ll take it and like it.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd, one is a snack.

If I had any idea of what I was thinking, I’d share it with you.

I’ve lost track of where it is we’re all not seeing eye-to-eye.

Marrying for sex is like buying cereal for the prize inside.

Well, you start out with gross snowshoes, but then you’ve got expenses….

sudden and unexpected death improves a lot of people.

The hard part is coming up with the dudes.

Despite my not thinking of it, I concur with this post.

I have probably told the following story before, but that is one of the privileges of retirement.

AFCAN ADVICE

It’s a toy: buy the one that makes you go “Oooh” the loudest that you can still afford.

WHATEVER YOU ARE COUNTING DOWN TO, IF YOU DO NOT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, YOU MAY NOT HAVE 668 DAYS LEFT

Buy some lion poo. You don’t need much.

Next time someone comes around and says “Can I help you find anything?” maybe you should say yes.

Go into a class of seven year olds and write “poop” on the blackboard. Then see how much you get done in the next half hour.

Just get the pills you want on the street. It can’t be that hard.

INNOCENT QUERIES

How many times did we tell you not to take the brown acid?

Is worrying about whether the train’s on time a normal part of the smoking experience?

So the shopping centre has Photoshop Elements?

Welcome to the human condition. But aren’t you English?

If Mick cant get sastifacation, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Is that when they got funky like a rhesus monkey?

Would you rather think about him NOT wearing underwear?

Couldn’t you use compact flourecents and rub some Ben-Gay on yourself?

What happens when you have flatulence?

So, what does one do with a vanilla bean, exactly?

You want to sample a few billion more sperm before drawing any conclusion?

Does it occur to you that fat alcoholics don’t get laid a lot?

So? If you had a bad year, why should WE suffer?!

So your inability to believe things justifies just making shit up?

Should we believe what Sneezy says about the Mole People?

SIMPLE TRUTHS

Water and hydrogen peroxide have the exact same ingredients. One is good to drink, the other, not so much.

Google seems to support “happy.”

Speed rarely kills. Rapid deceleration to zero usually does.

Marrying for sex is like buying cereal for the prize inside.

Tigers are not great painters.

Natalie Wood didn’t need flatulence. she needed floatulence.

Look what happened to Pluto. No PR for ages, and its ousted.

BAND NAMES

over active forefinger

Giant Mutant Space Bees

Spot the weasel

Wet Pet

voodoo cocktail

Sod grease

Baby in a box

Necessary Social Hypocrisy

The Masoretic Vowel Pointings

signalling hormones

mice-sterilizing music

FORGOTTEN VERSES

To all the girls I’ve fucked before
Who then I kicked right out my door,
I’m glad I had the chance
To get into their pants —
To all the girls I’ve fucked before.

</Julio voice>

<Willy voice>

To all the girls I took to bed,
Who jacked me off, who gave me head,
I’m glad the sucked my schlong,
I dedicate this song,
To all the girls I’ve fucked before.

I set out to drive in my Austin,
To Le Havre from my place here in Boston.
Off to Google I went,
But the way I got sent,
Made me drown in the sea I got lost in.

CLEAR EXPLANATION OF THE WEEK

Cricket is a game where you have 2 sides – one out in the field and the other in, off the field . Each man in the side that is in, goes out, and when he is out, comes in, and the next man goes out until he is out, then he comes in. When the side that is in, goes out, they go in to get the others which are in , out. Sometimes you get men still in, but not out, but they are out. They go in when the side goes out, to be put in, but not out. When both sides have been in and out, even those that are not out, but also not in, that is the end of the game.

RICHARD IS BORED

I am overcome by the sheer tedium of once again hearing the same old idiocies spouted by buffoons who are utterly ignorant on the subject , uninterested in learning about the subject, unaware even that there is a subject for genuine adult discussion, and lacking the wit either to say anything new or interesting, to to keep quiet. Can you even come up with a new schoolyard taunt? That at least would be something.

COMING THIS FALL

“Pimp My Sink”

“It CAME…from Aisle 7!”

OPTIMISTIC MOVE OF THE WEEK

A 102-year-old man has taken out a 25-year mortgage for a £200,000 property.

MAKE SURE YOUR SURGEON DOESN’T MESS WITH

the part of the brain necessary for ass shaking

IMAGINE THE ODDS

My mother married a guy who later turned out to be my father.

My brother’s wife is my sister-in-law!

My wife is another man’s daughter.

Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease

All major world catastrophies happened within 1 week of a full moon or new moon.