Welcome back, readers! We're back and ready to drag you all kicking and screaming into the depths of fanfiction hell. We know it's been a long time coming, but don't worry: the bitches still love all of you!

And what have we to offer for this review? In the grand tradition of ficbitching totally FUBAR fanfic such as the Totoro lemon and that... indescribable... Ranma fic, we now bring you...

a Final Fantasy VI lemon: Relm x Interceptor.

Yes, Interceptor. Shadow's dog. I'll give that a moment to sink in.

...

If you have not yet begun to convulse and vomit at the mere THOUGHT of this, you, my friend, are a very strong man/woman/whatever indeed.

What's especially disturbing is... someone actually LIKED this idea enough to put it on virtual paper and share it with the rest of the world.

Anyway, if you've read this far, you obviously have a morbid curiosity and want to see just how unbelievably WRONG this fic is. Trust me, you're gonna regret this.

So, our fic straight from the depths of hell itself starts off with Terra, Edgar, Relm, and Shadow landing in Thamasa. Strange, I don't remember any scene like this from the game itself. I suppose it COULD be in the game's second half, where you're free to arrange your party as you want and go anywhere, but still...

The party's gonna split up. Edgar has some things to do (not specified...a-HEM), so he tells Shadow to go get information, while Relm can go off with Terra. Relm insists that she wants to go with Shadow instead. Anyone who has played FF6 probably knows what the deal is between these two. They seem to be happy to be with each other, although Shadow is hiding it, as is typical.

So the two meander around town and try to get information. Shadow suggests they play tricks to spy on people. They seem to do a good job, although one has to wonder why the townspeople aren't automatically suspicious of some guy in a body-covering black ninja suit.

Here the author attempts to humor us before thrusting us poor, unfortunate readers into the horror that lies further within...

"Hey, do you know that you can arrange your items by type in the menu screens?" The man inquired to them.

Relm looked at the man with an odd expression.

"What?" Relm said, confused.

Shadow whispered, "Just ignore these kinds of people."

Well, it wasn't that funny. But he gets brownie points for trying.

After this is done the party goes to regroup at the tavern. Terra asks if Relm behaved well and is assured that she did. Relm then tries to talk with Shadow some more.

"Hey Shadow? Can I play with your dog?"She asked humbly.

Shadow looked at her, and then away.

"His name is Interceptor and he is not the playing type." He dryly answered, ignoring her cuteness.

Relm petted Interceptor on the head, and he seemed to enjoy it.

Duh... if this takes place in the point of the game where I think it does, she already knows the dog's name well by now. Also, note that "petted" is not a real word.

I'll tell you what. Go over to the other side of this room and call him. If Interceptor comes to you, then I'll let you play to your heart's content."Shadow said, quite positive of the wager's outcome.

"Okay!"She ran to the other side of the room and called him. " Here boy! C'mere Interceptor!"

Interceptor went to her, causing Shadow a visible expression of amazement. He wondered if maybe Interceptor was getting mentally ill, or if maybe Relm knew how to cast charm spells.

OK, why is he surprised? Anyone who knows the nature of the Shadow/Relm relationship (spoiler averted) and has seen how they both react in game to the dog wouldn't be surprised at all. He only rescued her from a freaking house fire.

Anyway, it's night now, and Relm and Interceptor go out to a meadow on the outskirts of town. And this is where the true pain begins.

As Relm admired the starlit sky, Interceptor began doing something rather odd. Interceptor was sniffing Relm, prodding and poking his face at the area between her legs.

Relm frolics around with Interceptor, seeming oblivious to the dog's, um, advances, doing usual doggie-play things, but then presents us with:Relm was getting sexually excited by Interceptor.

OK... anyone who has a dog reading this: do you get turned on when you go to play with it? No? I didn't think so. It seems like the author realizes this, and is frantically trying to come up with an excuse to justify his writing of this steaming turd: Relm aroused interceptor, even though it seemed a bit unnatural, but many things in that world were very unnatural.

.................. o_O;

Relm scratches Interceptor's belly, and all of a sudden Interceptor gets a stiffy. Relm sees this and has a fond recollection:

She looked at it with excited curiosity. She was not too young to know what she was looking at, although she had only seen one once. The penis she saw before was nowhere near as large as Interceptor's. Relm had a quick memory flashback of the boy who had a crush on her; she had him masturbate in front of her. She remembered fondly of how he had an orgasm while whimpering out her name.

Disturbing? Yes, yes indeed. But not as disturbing as what comes next- Relm actually starts to TOUCH it. Didn't Strago ever give her good grandparental advice, like "If you don't know what it is, don't touch it, because you don't know where it's been?" Well either he didn't or she just didn't listen.

She even asks Interceptor if she "makes him horny."

...

Allow me to take a quote from the great Penny Arcade: You knew perfectly well when you were twelve that you shouldn't fuck a dog, right? (OK, so it was a different context. Big deal, it's still applicable.)

But oh no, it just keeps getting worse.

Interceptor sensed her arousal, got up, and undid the sash to her pants.

Jeezus, Interceptor's got Lassie beat in the smarts department, that's for sure. All Lassie did was save Timmy from the well... Interceptor senses when his playmate needs nookie, and even knows how to help her out!

So from there, she turns over onto her stomach, and from there the "doggystyle" *shudder* begins.

"Interceptor what are you doing?" She said, suddenly a bit nervous.

OK, first she was getting aroused, asked Interceptor if she made him horny, gets her clothes off... and now has no idea what is going on. Either Relm is amazingly, unbelievably dense (which I doubt, considering her rather smartassed attitude at several points in the game) or some part of this girl's sex education was really, really lacking.

But this next line's even more of a kicker:

The dog could not give an answer, because he couldn't speak.If this author's good at one thing, it would be either: a. scarring the fragile minds of his readers for the rest of their lives, or b. stating the blatantly obvious.

I'll spare you most of the details about the sex scene for the sake of your own sanity, except that: even though Relm seems like a virgin apparently she has no hymen to break (though she does bleed), and I never, ever, EVER want to read a sentence like this again:

The story ends with Relm completely unconcerned that she just did the nasty with a dog."Wow Interceptor... I don't know what that was, but it sure felt great!" She said while hugging him.We don't find out what the heck the other characters have been doing this whole time, but we feel like hurting them! "Terra! Edgar! Shadow! Why, why did you allow this to happen?!?! *sob*"

And upon finishing our reading of this story, we readers all go into psychotherapy to wipe this horror from our minds forever.

The thing that strikes me the most about this fic is... WHY, god, WHY would anyone even WANT to write something like this? How does this convey any sort of affection or respect towards the game and its characters? Most people don't feel anything but revulsion at the thought of underage girls copulating with their pets.

I had seen a Legend of Zelda fic in which Link screws his horse (told from the horse's POV, no less) that I was originally going to review as an example of this sort of mindblowingly incomprehensible fic, but then Rebel Toy pointed out to me... at least you can read that one with a twisted sense of humor as a sort of really, really sick parody. (That doesn't make it any less totally messed up though.) This, however... has absolutely no sort of dedeeming value that I can find. It's... just... WRONG WRONG WRONG. Thankfully (and surprisingly) the sentiments of the people on FF.net seem to echo that. Good to see there's at least some sanity among the people there, as the usual fic review (no matter how crappy the fic) is something like "OMIGOD I LUV UR FIC PLZ PLZ WRITE MOOOOOOOORE".

And now for some

------- SIDE COMMENTARY -------

(Yes! It's like more bitchery for your buck! Even though the site's free! Oh well.)

Speaking of ff.net reviews, I love this little tidbit I saw in a summary from one of the stories there:

>IF YOU DON'T REVIEW, THEN I WON'T CONTINUE!!! I MEAN IT!!! YOU HAVE ONE DAY!

If you're wondering why a lot of us are quite venomous towards ff.net, it's crap like this - people who don't really care about what they're writing, they just want people to read through it and kiss their ass afterwards. I think this author deserves an honorary head-slap just for that.

--- and now back to your regularly scheduled bitching ---

Anyways, in short, this fic can be adequately summarized as "sick and wrong". Sometimes "sick and wrong" can also be "twistedly amusing", but this POS inspires feelings more like "I'd rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails than remember my reading this abomination." If I had my way, this author would be beaten painfully, then shot and left for dead.

And a final note: When you put fanfiction up on the web, you are leaving it open for anyone and everyone to read and review if they so choose. If you can't bear the possibility of a bad review, don't put up your fic. If you do put it up and get blasted, don't tear it down and cry afterwards... be brave and take it. Besides, people are capable of forming their own opinions, and though we're harsh, we certainly don't speak for everyone. Remember that.

But...

...But...I thought Interceptor was FEMALE. I'm sure of it. Maybe Square USA's translation was wrong, or maybe I just haven't played FFVI in too long (it's been about four years, I think), but...I thought...ahh...no... *brain deflates*~KG

Um...

Yeah, scarred for life now. But I did actually see someone on fictionpress (I only go on fictionpress now, just for reasons like this, and I find it much more fun to write original shit than fanfiction) who said they only posted for reviews. They also said they'd stop posting for lack of reviews... I was thinking the whole time "Well, that takes the fun out of writing right there..."