Caoimhín's Way

I am learning about how much time I spend in my head ruminating about things. Recently, I have had time to get to know this habit a bit better. The morning or if I wake up during the night - these are what I would typically label as the "problematic" rumination times for me. They have also been a signifacant source of stress to me within the context of anxiety and depression. These would be my prime times to dwell in thought. Ironically, also during meditation. I have to constantly pull myself back from rumination.

In the morning or at night, in bed, if this happens, I noticed that I tend to let my hands wander down and use M to help soothe me out of a the viscious thinking cycle. Really, it often does not have to do with being aroused... just me trying to distract my brain: me being unable to cope with the discomfort of worry. Trying to feel better.

I have to think more on this but it seems to me that many of my habits, such as porn, mindless Internet use, eating, booze, television, etc. are the same type of technique. Simple distractions because I want to avoid thinking. Why do I want to avoid thinking? Isn't that what the mind is for? Why can I NOT handle simply spending some time thinking about my issues or even my better moments? Why did I start routinely seeking to become numb to the world? Why do I need to shut down shop?

Shutting down shop must be what happens when I become overwhelmed by things. Low resilience.

How can I increase my resilience to every day stresses? (without having to ressort to any of the above techniques?) Spending time shining light on this, my biggest of shadows, is part of the answer. Learning about my behaviours to understand them better.

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Yes, this. All of it.
Shutting down in the face of our stressors is what creates our addictions. No mystery there. And by now, we know that the solution is to find healthy ways to climb out of our negative self-talk. I'm a chronic ruminator, too, and I fall prey to old habits to try to calm the anxiety. Like you said in my journal recently (paraphrasing here), 'find the right recipe for a positive outcome, and remember what following the wrong recipe will bring'.
My hand has instinctively been twitching towards the wrong path this morning. I totally understand your desire to get it out of your system by MO'ing so you can move on and not think about it anymore. And not watching P is super important, so you're much more successful there than I am. But I suspect that you'd like to develop a new habit of skipping the MO if its only purpose is to satisfy the urge. Personally, I get a headache roughly half the time I O lately. It's kind of like drinking - even small amounts can do it. Not sure when the headache is going to happen, and when it does, it messes me up for hours. So what's the point?

I've felt a bit off all day, probably still an effect of the miserable weather and cabin fever. I broke a tooth today! or more correctly, I think that it is just a large cavity that fell out. Not painful but really interesting how little it takes me to get upset. I makes me feel like a wimp, very unmanly. BUT, about 5 years ago, the image was more like: all it would take is a feather to knock me off my feet. That is how little resilience I had. The slightest problem sent me off. I would get really drunk, feel really pathetic and sorry for myself. I am a long way from there and am much more resilient. Today, I have been trying to work things out of the trap: trying to acknowledge that I was already feeling a bit "off" and so am at a higher risk. I have been telling myself to take in deep breaths for a few minutes, wait 30 mins, have a nap, etc. and whatever I can do to give myself time to get over the initial response of a reactive "feeling sorry for myself".

I did get out of the house and went to the café across the road, figuring that a change of scenery would help. As it happens, it did. I had a great philosophical discussion with someone at the café and then got swept up in a birthday party that came in. I had discussions with lots of people that I do not usually speak with.

So, after all that, I am back at home, feeling more or less the same way. I am thinking that MO will not make me feel any different. This just feels like a yucky, gross mood but I am using all the tools at my disposal to work with this low mood. I guess some days are more work than others.

You know, for me this is a journey as much about recovering from depression and anxiety as it is about PMO recovery. It is a big, tangled mess and I tug on the one string of porn and it pulls a depression string. Tug on the M string (haha... see what I did there!) and it pulls on anxiety and self-estime. It is so complex and so simple at the same time. I feel that I am learning about my brain every day.

Yesterday, I was shut in the house all day due to the weather. I was bored, feeling a bit off. Trying to find the word to describe my state of mind and perhaps it is "floundering" or "treading water". Consequently, I spent the day on-line on social media (no temptations with P at all) but had a little voice whispering all day to MO. Again, having thought about this recently, I was able to recognise that I was not really horney but in the vague state I was in, I just wanted to stop it. I knew that once O occured, it would feel empty and not achieve anything. Of course, I did it, just to get it over with. I don't know, maybe I should have "willpowered" it through. The O did get rid of the urge.

The same crappy weather is also currently keeping me house bound.

An amazing thing happened this morning. A side effect of my depression is a horrible memory. Today, an old and precious memory popped into my head... an old song that my great aunt used to sing, my favourite aunt too. It was one of the last things she was able to do the last time I saw her, was to sing this song. I had lost it in my memory. I am sad to remember her at 92 and it was rough to sing it to myself. But I perservered, knowing that I can no longer cut off hard memories from my life. When I do that, it oozes out as other behaviour... mostly whiskey or whatever is on hand to make me feel no pain.

I feel like a lost gift has been returned. I would love to regain my memory of the details of my past... the good and the bad are all so murky.

It feels like a crazy roller-coaster at the moment in my head.

I also came across this interesting quote:

My fiftieth year had come and gone,
I sat, a solitary man,
In a crowded London shop,
An open book and empty cup
On the marble table-top.
While on the shop and street I gazed
My body of a sudden blazed;
And twenty minutes more or less
It seemed, so great my happiness,
That I was blessed and could bless.

Yeats

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Wow!

First, I'm right there with you when it comes to the importance of depression and anxiety both in this process of dealing with PMO and with my life more generally. Also, great citation! I've always preferred Eliot to Yeats for some reason, even though, every time I read something Yeats wrote, I think, 'wow' that's the greatest thing I've ever read. As I did now reading this.

I did get out of the house and went to the café across the road, figuring that a change of scenery would help. As it happens, it did. I had a great philosophical discussion with someone at the café and then got swept up in a birthday party that came in. I had discussions with lots of people that I do not usually speak with.

Hmmm... this reflexion on life shit really works! I was reflecting on the urge to M that has been present during the past several days. So, I know that I am not actually horny. Places that the thought is particulary present: when I am in bed; washroom and shower. No surprise there really as these are the places that I do it! So the place = habit to a great degree. I am unlikely to succeed in avoiding these two places but hopefully the knowledge of my habituated response can help me.

I think that I am slowly moving towards the full-blown No PMO as opposed to the No P but moderate MO. At least for the first while.

Today, the gloomy mood continued to follow me around. Not feeling productive at all. It is a difficult mood to describe because I just feel low, ineffective, unmotivated. So many good things that I could be doing.

The most difficult part of my habits include an accompanying thought. Opportunity. It seems that my addicts mind is always ticking away in the background assessing situations for their suitability for P and MO. I walk through the door and turn the lock... it's time. I am lying in bed doing nothing... taking a shower. I am alone...I know that part of me is also actively trying to create these moments. In my mind, it feels like a waste if I do not take advantage of these opportunities. All of these moments are when I am isolated from people. The more I search for them, the more alone I am.

I am no longer using this behaviour for porn but it certainly persists for MO.

So, using @Saville as inspiration, I am making the decision (and stating it here to be accountable) to quit the drink.

As I said somewhere earlier, alcohol has been giving me headaches more often than not so I have really slowed down drinking. But the last 10 years has seen me consuming a significant amount of whiskey. At my worse, I was drinking 750ml in a session. The past year it was several shots a night. Lately just the one. My drinking was mostly alone. I would get really drunk and feel really sorry for myself. I never did anything stupid(er) than that but often thought about how much better the world would be without me and that the world was unfair.

What is worse: PMO or alcoholism. One destroys your mind and the other your body.

So, using @Saville as inspiration, I am making the decision (and stating it here to be accountable) to quit the drink.

As I said somewhere earlier, alcohol has been giving me headaches more often than not so I have really slowed down drinking. But the last 10 years has seen me consuming a significant amount of whiskey. At my worse, I was drinking 750ml in a session. The past year it was several shots a night. Lately just the one. My drinking was mostly alone. I would get really drunk and feel really sorry for myself. I never did anything stupid(er) than that but often thought about how much better the world would be without me and that the world was unfair.

What is worse: PMO or alcoholism. One destroys your mind and the other your body.

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Well, they are both pretty bad. You were clearly drinking way too much, and I'm glad that you're not at that level anymore, but the headaches are telling you something: Stop!
You're having some important realizations here, Caoimhín. And you are helping me (and others, I'm sure) along the way.

Thanks @Saville and @Mozenjo for your support. Honestly, I feel more afraid of giving up the booze as a permanent thing because it is kind of like an old friend. Booze is way more socially acceptable too than porn (which while being accepted by many people is still no where near the same thing).

There was a song by the group Crash Vegas: cause when some things change, they change forever.

I was really into this album the summer my father died. Had the most amazing girlfriend. Good friends and interesting life. Just on the cusp of...

then it all changed. And I became terrified of life. Of the death of my loved ones. Of change. Booze allowed me to forget. To step away from it (although I have done it before) is like stepping out of a house, locking the door, and walking away forever.

I hope it is more like a case of leaving something that I have outgrown. Casting off.

I just listened to a podcast where the guest said that people who thrive in times of great change and chaos are people who are always seeking new experiences. Well, part of me is definitely a creature of habit and I am most comfortable a home. So, it feels like the real solution is to litterally walk out the door and search for adventure (that is if I don't have to go back in because I've pissed my pants from fear!)

Thanks @Saville and @Mozenjo for your support. Honestly, I feel more afraid of giving up the booze as a permanent thing because it is kind of like an old friend. Booze is way more socially acceptable too than porn (which while being accepted by many people is still no where near the same thing).

There was a song by the group Crash Vegas: cause when some things change, they change forever.

I was really into this album the summer my father died. Had the most amazing girlfriend. Good friends and interesting life. Just on the cusp of...

then it all changed. And I became terrified of life. Of the death of my loved ones. Of change. Booze allowed me to forget. To step away from it (although I have done it before) is like stepping out of a house, locking the door, and walking away forever.

I hope it is more like a case of leaving something that I have outgrown. Casting off.

I just listened to a podcast where the guest said that people who thrive in times of great change and chaos are people who are always seeking new experiences. Well, part of me is definitely a creature of habit and I am most comfortable a home. So, it feels like the real solution is to litterally walk out the door and search for adventure (that is if I don't have to go back in because I've pissed my pants from fear!)

Hi Caoimhín. I wanted to visit in your journal too. Have not read much of it yet, but these last of your posts. You have made a good but not easy decision to give up alcohol.
I always thought that booze was not the problem for me. But there have been times when I was drinking a lot of alcohol as a regular habit. One period of that in my life was in my early 30' when I used to got drunk like 2x week with my SO. She stopped it after few years, so I followed her lead and did not consume alcohol at all for many years.
But now as a single, I slowly but surely discovered this drinking habit again. Bad thing is, I started to consume huge amounts at time and got really drunk during last fall. I made a couple of new bar buddies and followed their lead in the habit. Also, I got the bad idea that because only way I will be social and fun person is when Im drunk. There is little truth about that actually. Alcohol makes me more relaxed, more amiable with people.
Now there is constant craving about just being drunk. Not minding if being social, or if I will just stay home alone and get drunk. Just to drink so many beverages as possible during the night. So, its obvious that even my drinking habit will slowly spiral out of control. Even my hangovers have felt like cozy someway. It feels good to be in kind of stupor and not to think anything. But its clear this is all very wrong way for me.
Its another crutch to manage in misshapen life. Is it any better than P use, if you had to choose one or another. I do not know.
I hope you can manage your decision and learn to live without alcohol. I salute your bravery and wish I can emulate your lead one day.

@titan_transcendence thanks for dropping by! Yup, crutches! Most of the girls that I hooked up with resulted from a night of drinking. It did help me get over the nerves and all of that. But my real drinking was more insideous because it was to forget my problems. But problems don't go away, they simmer and seethe. It is a complex relationship with alcohol for me. I was walking by the liquour commission on my way to the grocery store today and thought about going in. I've been feeling quite low the past couple of weeks and part of me feels sad that I can't even drink to feel better. Crazy eh?

This "low" feeling is not quite sadness. It is more a feeling of emptiness. On the one hand, I know it has to do with the winter SAD effect, too much free time on my hands, and perhaps impending "big" decisions time. On the other hand, I know what some of the solutions are:

I need to structure my days a bit more. I have seasonal work and am now on employment insurance. My days are free. Sounds great but as this funk settles in on my head, I am becoming less and less productive. Also, no porn urges, but continual urge to MO. I think that I might try and plan out my days so that they do not drift into bad habits.

I need to get out of the house more. Fresh air and exercise. I am playing soccer once a week but it is not enough. Last night I played. Wound up hurting myself! Left in a really bad mood.

I was walking by the liquour commission on my way to the grocery store today and thought about going in. I've been feeling quite low the past couple of weeks and part of me feels sad that I can't even drink to feel better. Crazy eh?

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I know that feeling. The two stores I love most in the world are liquor and candy stores.

Have you ever thought of volunteering at something or taking a course? Well, I'm sure you have. I took tap dancing lessons not long after giving up P. It was incredibly fun, even though it seemed to take me forever to catch on with just the simplest steps. But, it was a real howl. Me and a bunch of other older adults strutted our stuff once a week. It was nice to meet people that are not from the same social circle, which I think can be incredibly limiting.

This week, a friend's teenage daughter was killed in a horrible accident. It is bringing up a lot for me.

About 25 years ago, my closest cousin was killed in a similar accident. He lingered with a brain injury for a week and then had life support removed. It all seems like a blur, the time spent in that room waiting for him to die. My reaction to death, rather my refusal to acknowledge it, lead to many years of severe depression. This spiralled out of control when my parent's died. My mind was numbed with the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. It was all blocked up inside. That is the horrible part of the medications. It masks it all but the body is still going through the trauma.

As a man, I have always cried very easily. It is typically very embarassing for me. It never feels like a healthy release but rather a savage storm that takes hold of me and hurts very much. I have always felt at the mercy of my emotions and very weak. Perhaps this is just me and the way, as a guy, I was raised to not value my emotional response? It is the loss of control that I find scary. My theory about why this is so for me has to do with having a very emotional mother, very violent brother, and very non-emotional father. I used to hide when there were fights in my family. I could not handle it. I learnt that expressions of emotion are "too much" and try as much as possible to present a neutral face to the world.

I see this as my biggest block to a long-term, healthy relationship. I can't deal with my emotions and I certainly can't deal with female emotionality. If I can't do these things, a solitary life seems inevitable. If I remain solo, well, a huge slice of life is excluded from me, including sex, a family, companionship.

It often feels as if I would be better off in a monastry where celibacy and self-deprivation were part of the plan!

Nothing like a death to bring up old feelings, the ones you have clearly noted in your post. I think it's a great time to deal with it all. You can use this tragedy to access your own grief from the past, I think. Feel your feels, cry your cries, and then move forward and let all that family stuff slide away. We are forging new lives, lives unburdened by the past.

Gabe talks about "having a poor reward system." Right? I'm sad so I better PMO. I'm happy so I better PMO. I'm anxious so I need to watch fake people having fake sex. I'm depressed, so I better whack one off. Yeah, that is a definitely a shitty reward system.

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I am definitely becoming more and more aware of this in my experience. Although it is mostly when I feel even the slightest "downward" emotion, or what I am describing as feeling "empty or hollow" my mind wanders towards MO to allieve that feeling. I'm not certain that I feel the same urges with upward emotions. It is a shitty reward system because I know that I will feel just as hollow after the orgasm.

Every little step towards self-knowledge! The way forewards here is to stay with the awareness:

The urge to MO is because I am feeling emotionally low.
What other ways can I deal with this?​

The past two mornings, I've woken up with raging erections. MW is not that unusual but these would not go down! This morning, prior to waking, up I was having a dream where I was in bed with a woman but it was after sex. (It was not a wet dream though and not particularly arousing). Then, still in the dream, I went to have a pee but because of the erection, it was shooting way up to the ceiling like a fire hose!

I used to have regular wet dreams but it has probably been a couple of years now. This is probably due to the fact that I've been MOing every day or so. One other thing that I've noticed is a decrease in the amount of cum including sometimes none at all. I'm not certain if I should speak with a doctor about that or if this is just a normal part of aging? Haha, I am embarassed to bring it up with my doctor because I have never talked with someone else about my MO habits in real life... just on the forum here. I know that all men jack off but I am still embarassed. I think that part of it is because I do not have a wife and feel the stigma of an older guy who still is acting like a kid... and then there is the subtext that it might bring up the subject of porn. I'm so concerned about projecting a certain image and being "normal" and the seedy image of the porn and masturbation addict is not how I want to be seen.

Yesterday, while listening to a serial radio show, there was a scene that was right out of my porn history. It lasted about 5 minutes and I decided not to turn it off because I have been listening to this show for a while and really like it. But it was quite a turn on and for the rest of the day, my mind was whispering MO and I was in a general state of arousal.

Scenes like this are all over the place in movies and such. So I feel good about my decision to continue to listen to the programme. It was not a gratuitous sex scene but fit into the story. I also feel good about my resolve not to MO. This was definitely a time where willpower came into play. My resolve is to NOT MO every day!

Life is full of references to sex and I can't go into a frenzy just because of a simple thing like this.

and other times, ridiculously simple. So simple in fact that it really makes me wonder how we have managed to fuck things up so badly.

Today had its ups and downs but I got a couple of things done that had been glaring at me from the backburner for a while. So, then, as I was about to go on to my next chore, I found myself literally singing a happy song! Yup, I was in a great mood and had a swing to my gait. All it took was "getting something done". I felt like a little boy who had just got a treat or a pat on the head. And then had a flash of: oh, this is how to feel happy!