Dearest friends, followers, hate-readers, super intelligent dogs and my parents probably, My name is Aubrey Burrough and I regret to inform you that today, April 1st 2016, is my last official day as editor-in-chief of the Eggplant….APRIL FOOLS. Haha psych! April Fools again, it totally is my last day.

The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.

On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow.

Once-proud literature professor Dr. Tom Villanueva is now considering a new career path after calling on student Rachel Lake, only to discover she was actually “just stretching.” Such embarrassment has plagued educators since the beginning of time, but Dr. Villanueva vows it will not happen again, not to him.

As any true American knows, one of the finest features of the land of the free was demonstrated this morning, when early stages of this nation’s fate were decided. However, this year was slightly different. Millions of individuals from either side of the argument came together to determine the outcome of this crucial day in American history, and the decision came down to the wire.

Following the first sold-out game in FSU men’s basketball history, an unpaid marketing intern working within the FSU athletic department thinks he’s found the cause: an ambiguous advertisement that seemed to associate Coach Hamilton’s men’s basketball team with a performance of Hamilton: The Musical at the Civic Center.

In a night described by an over-neoned flier as “a chance to live like Kings,” Tallahassee's hottest club Coliseum will be celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day tonight by charging a $15 cover to grind on a stranger’s half-boner while a remixed version of the Oscar-nominated film Selma (ft. Diplo) plays in the background.

With finals week in full swing, stressed and frustrated FSU students have begun binge drinking coffee and leveraging the “season of giving,” hoping that their one friend with an Adderall prescription will catch the gist. Florida State, always a compassionate institution, has in response temporarily changed name of its “FSU Secure” wifi network to “FSU Insecure,” to mirror the collective feeling of disdain across campus.

Local it girl Cassie Worthington and her friend group, which she refers to as her “Taylor Swift squad,” came up with the groundbreaking idea to throw a party in which people celebrate wearing ugly sweaters and avoid calling them “Cosby Sweaters,” a term inspired by a person that most people do not want to be associated with as of late.

With a history of feigned perfection, a crack in the system has finally forced University of Florida students to admit a truth known to apparently everybody but them- the orange and blue color combination is honestly pretty terrible.

The editor-in-chief of University of Florida’s satire publication, The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, produced a document signed in alligator blood early Monday morning vowing that their publication will start being funny in 2016.

Taking a break from their busy schedule of secretly brewing craft beer in the All Saint’s bathroom and writing not-likely-to-be-published think pieces on the genius of Shia LaBeouf, Tallahassee’s year-round bearded men are finally taking a stand against the annual ‘No Shave November’ event, which they believe is appropriating their culture.

Despite overarching, seemingly obvious evidence that granting people more access to firearms increases the chance of being shot, as well as a less-than-year-old shooting on the FSU campus, the Florida Senate and House of Representatives are well on their way to voting in favor of HB 4001, more cutely known as campus carry.

How do you do, students? It is me, your fearless leader, President John Thrasher. I took part in the strangest, most wonderful event at the Student Life Cinema late Saturday night. A film that I had heard much about ever since watching that adorable Wallflower movie with my granddaughter was showing at midnight: The Rocky Horror Picture Show.