Monday, August 28, 2006

cop drama 101

The Hater and I have been talking about the lessons that can be learned from cop and lawyer shows on primetime. Following are some of the more important points we've gleaned from watching other people sweat.

1. You're going to need a warrant for that. If you have ANYTHING to hide, don't let the man come in without a warrant. Watch two episodes of Law and Order if you don't believe us.

2. Don't talk. If you're taken downtown for questioning, keep your mouth shut. Ask for a lawyer, even if they threaten to arrest you. Watch one episode of The Closer if you think your tongue and finess will save you.

3. Wear gloves. Don't be stupid and leave behind fingerprints. Watch some of the reruns of the OJ trial to remind you the importance of this one.

4. Toss the sweater. Burn the bloody clothes. It doesn't matter if it's your favorite sweater; it's time to move on. Watch the first couple of episodes of Twin Peaks if you don't believe us.

5. Always have a back-up plan. If you get caught red-handed, have your favorite psychological disorder memorized. This website might be helpful to you.

6. Forget #2. If you're crime involves an accomplice, roll over your partner ONLY for full immunity. See The Closer, LA Law, Law and Order, CSI,Bones.

7. Don't skimp. Hire the best lawyer you can afford; it'll be worth the money. See reruns of the OJ trial or the musical Chicago for such suggestions. Be prepared to bury the truth deep within yourself.

8. Be good. If at all possible try to avoid breaking the law in the first place. Watch some Mr. Rogers reruns to reinforce good citizenship.(Unless it's the laws of capitalism, which should be destroyed, says The Hater.)

I would think your rule #3 would definitely apply to CSI. But then, you'd get fingerprints inside the gloves and of course if you didn't think to BURN them like suggested in rule #4 then you're almost certainly gonna get caught.

Matlock is a prime example of #7 - in fact, if you pay enough money for your lawyer, even if you end up in court, someone else will almost certainly confess at the last minute - as shown by Matlock and Perry Mason.