Episode begins in the kitchen. Tim enters from the garage and washes his hands.
Jill is sitting at the table going over some documents.

Jill:

Aw man! I can't believe it!

Tim:

What's the matter?

Jill:

I still haven't reached my fund-raising goal for the library. Where am I
gonna get another $1000?

Tim:

Well I could pay for the fine on that library book I've had out for seven
years. And I'm almost done with it!

Jill:

If I could just reach this fund-raising goal, I'd be out of the fund-
raising business forever. No more kissing up to people, planning stupid
events, I'd be a whole different person!

Tim:

Forget that book, I've got the grand right here! [Tim reaches into his
pocket]

Jill:

What's that supposed to mean?

Tim:

Honey, shnuckums, lover-buns, c'mon! [Tim walks over to her] This fund-
raising doesn't actually bring out the best in you. You've been almost as
unbearable as you were during childbirth. [Jill gets up]

Jill:

I'd like to see how pleasant you'd be giving birth. [Jill puts the
documents away]

Great way for a baby to begin life; seeing you coming at it with hedge-
clippers! Hey, c'mon, help me out. Where are we gonna get this money?

[Tim opens a beer]

Tim:

Have a bake-sale. Get your cupcakes to everybody. Once the nausea sets in,
just grab their wallet.

Jill:

How d'you think I got the last thousand?

Tim:

Y'know how they have those studly celebrity auctions? We could do that on
"Tool Time." [Jill looks at him, seriously] Sure. People'll pay a lot of
money to have a handsome tool guy stop by and fix stuff.

Jill:

D'you think Al would do that? [Short pause]

Tim:

You auction me off, you'll raise all the money you need for the library
and have money left over for a turbo-charged, four-wheel drive bookmobile.

Jill:

Why would the library need a turbo-charged bookmobile?

Tim:

Speed reading courses!

[Opening credits]

Cut to the "Tool Time" set.

[The "Tool Time" theme music plays. Tim and Al enter]

Tim:

Welcome to "Tool Time." I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my
assistant Al [Al salutes] Borland. [There is a big audience applause and
Al waves at them] Well, today's your chance to take home TV's top Tool Man
for an entire day. Tha-at's right! One lucky bidder will be able to take
home... me!

Al:

I should mention that it's for a very worthy cause.

Tim:

Well let's bring out our, er, uh, guest auctioneer with a big round of
applause. This woman has enjoyed my tool expertise [Jill moves to the set
entrance] for the last fifteen years! A big warm "Tool Time" welcome for Jill
"The Tool Wife" Taylor. Honey, c'mon out.

Alright. Well, why don't we start our auction off by bidding on our good
friend Bob Vila. How about that? Step up here Bob. {Tim points Bob to a
platform by the bench. Tim and Al sit down on stools]

Bob:

O.K.

Tim:

Please bear with my wife. This is the first time she's ever been an
auctioneer.

[Jill hits the bench with the gavel. Everybody jumps]

Jill:

I'm gonna open the bidding at $100.

Audience Member #1:

$100!

Jill:

I've gotta 100, 100, 100, do I hear a 100¼, 100¼, 100¼?

Audience Member #2:

$200!

Jill:

200 from the lovely lady in the denim shirt. Do I hear 300, 300, 300,
talk to me, talk to me, swing badder badder swing. First c'mon people,
stop sitting on your hands. This is big Bob Vila. [Bob raises his arms]
The man who's the reason why men like my husband have a job!

Petty cash. [Tim stands up] Wait till you see what I go for. Sit down Bob.

[Tim goes over to the platform. Bob and Al sit down]

Jill:

Alright! Ladies and germs, you now have a chance to bid on [Tim poses]
the toast of "Tool Time," the host of "Tool Time," Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor! I'm gonna open the bid at $100. A 100, a 100, a 100, a 100.

Audience Member #2:

A 100. [Tim starts dancing around]

Jill:

A $100. Do I hear $200, 200, 200? Just remember, this man will do to your
house what he does here on "Tool Time" everyday!

Al:

Maybe we should auction off some home owner's insurance first. [Bob nods at
this. Tim holds up his hand to Al]

Jill:

C'mon people. I gotta $100, do I hear 1-50, 1-50, 1-50? [There is no
response]

Uh-oh! There's someone on your tail! Is it Bob Vila? No, it's a little
kid on a tricycle!

Tim:

Would you shut up!

Jill:

C'mon Tim.

Tim:

He's knocking my car, alright?

Jill:

You boys, come on up to bed.

Brad:

[Disappointed] Alright. Dad, if you get it started, wake me up.

Mark:

Me too.

Tim:

Yep.

Jill:

It's ten o'clock! He's not gonna go driving round in the middle of the
night. [The boys leave] He's not is he?

Tim:

If he can get it started he is. [Tim continues to fiddle with the
ignition. He turns the key again and the relay clicks on and off again.
The engine doesn't start. Tim slams his hands down on the dashboard] Damn!

Jill:

Is it my imagination or are you a little bit on edge tonight? [Jill rubs
Tim's shoulders]

Tim:

How would you feel if your solenoid was stuck?

Jill:

First I'd cry, then I'd wanna know what a solenoid is.

Tim:

It makes the car start! Everybody knows that, Jill! [Tim gets out of the
car]

Jill:

Oh c'mon, Tim. Just because you can't get the car started is no reason
to jump all over me or Randy.

[Tim picks up a wrench and walks round to the engine]

Tim:

Well I'm sorry honey, but I'm supposed to be in a race tomorrow and the
car won't start.

Jill:

Look, why don't you just call Bob Vila and ask him if you can race him on
Sunday? [Tim fiddles with the engine]

Tim:

Because I already told him the car was running!

Jill:

Why did you do that?

Tim:

I dunno! Why does sauerkraut go through me like a laser beam? [Jill smiles
at this] I need to get a new solenoid. I've gotta find an autopart store
that's open 24 hours. [Tim walks over to the garage door]

Jill:

Well, what can I do to help?

Tim:

Er, get a hammer --

Jill:

-- yeah --

Tim:

-- and four big nails --

Jill:

-- yeah --

Tim:

-- go to Bob's hotel and puncture all his tyres! [Tim leaves]

Cut to the garage, later that night.

[Wilson is lying under the car. Tim is bent over the engine]

Tim:

Got it? Got it?

Wilson:

I got it.

Tim:

Alright, starter's on. If you could just hold it up.

Wilson:

Will do. [The top of Wilson's head rolls out from under the car. Tim
goes over to the bench] Tim, hand me that nine-sixteenth socket.

Tim:

I really appreciate you coming over this late to help me out.

Wilson:

No problem Tim. I was already up feeding my bats.

Tim:

[Tim hands Wilson the socket] Here you go.

Wilson:

Thank you, neighbor Tim. A few turns of this ratchet and we'll have this
starter problem fixed.

Tim:

Wilson, I don't know how I got into this mess. It's taken me three years,
three years, to get this rod perfect. And since I challenged Vila, I've
gotta race it. It's not even broken in yet.

Wilson:

Well, sounds like you didn't think before you challenged him.

Tim:

Well how would you like it if you were in an auction and some other
neighbor behind the fence made 400 more dollars than you?

Wilson:

Well Tim, I'd be hidy-hurt.

Tim:

That's how I felt. I started doubting myself, y'know, and I felt
worthless.

Wilson:

Well Tim, it's been said that when a foot compares itself to a yard, it
always comes up short.

[Tim considers this]

Tim:

So, you're saying that Vila's the yard and I'm the foot, and he is better
than me, right?

Wilson:

Well, only if you perceive him as being better. [Wilson gets out from
under the car and crouches behind the engine] Ahhh! O.K. [Tim wipes
down the engine] A philosopher once said, if you place a small value on
yourself, rest assured, the world will not raise your price.

Tim:

Hm. But if I believe in myself, I can win this.

Wilson:

No, no, no, Tim. If you believe in yourself, you've already won.

Cut to the kitchen, even later that night (or should it be morning??).

[Tim is leading Mark, Jill, Brad and Randy to the garage. Mark, Jill, Brad and
Randy are all wearing their nightclothes]

Tim:

Alright, now the moment we've all been waiting for.

Jill:

What? The moment where you drag us out of bed at 5:30 in the morning?

Tim:

No-o. I unveil the hot rod, we take a little spin.

Brad:

Alright, let's do it.

Cut to the garage.

[They all enter. Brad tries to run over to the hot rod but Tim holds him back.
The hot rod is covered with a sheet]

Tim:

Wait a minute! Whoa, whoa, whoa, I would take you people first if I could,
okay?

Jill:

Hm, hm, hm.

Tim:

Alright. Bradley, I want to take you most of all cuz you've spent more
time on the hot rod with me than anybody else. So if something goes wrong
tomorrow, I'm blaming you! [Tim slaps Brad on the back. Brad nods]

Brad:

That sounds fair, huh.

Tim:

Mark. Thanks for all your help.

Mark:

Thank you.

Tim:

And Randy, what can I say? You're definitely one of my sons! Huh? [Randy
smiles]

Randy:

Thanks Dad.

Tim:

Honey, I thank you the most because you didn't get jealous even though I
spent a lot more time on the hot rod than I did with you.

Jill:

Oh, I didn't mind that. I just didn't like it when you got us mixed up
and tried to rotate my legs!

I wanna go for a ride, I just wanna tell you that your car looks great.

Tim:

And?

Randy:

And that I think you can beat Bob Vila tomorrow.

Tim:

Really? [Tim shuts the car door] I sure hope so. A great philosopher said
once, if your feet are short, and you don't raise your prices, you're
destined for yard sales!

[Randy looks confused. Tim nods at him]

Randy:

Anyway, my money's on you. I mean, you've got a 3-50 V8 and 500 pounds
of torque in this puppy.

Tim:

[Grunting] U-huh? Randy, you're starting to sound like me!

Randy:

[Grunting] Oh-no! Don't want that!

Tim:

[Grunting] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!

Randy:

[Grunting] Oh-no! Barfit!

Tim:

[Grunting] Oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh-yeah!

[Jill, Brad and Mark return. Jill has Randy's coat]

Jill:

Alright! I'm getting in the shot gun seat. Mark, you get up here with me.

[Brad shuts the garage door]

Tim:

C'mon guys! Watch the paint when you step down there.

Jill:

Randy! Here's your jacket for you. [Jill hands him it. They all get in
the hot rod] Seat belts everybody!

Tim:

Alright.

Jill:

Wow!

Tim:

C'mon in. Put your seat belt on under there.

Mark:

Comfy!

Tim:

Alright. Clipped in everybody?

Brad:

Almost.

Tim:

Alright Taylor Family. Drum roll for me.

Randy:

Here we go. [Randy and Brad give Tim a drum roll on the hot rod body]

Jill:

Just start the car.

Tim:

Alright. [Tim turns the key and the car starts!]

Jill:

Wooo!

Randy & Brad:

Yeah! Yeah!

[Jill claps. Tim drives the car out]

Cut to the airport, the next day.

[There is a starting line marked out. Heidi stands by the line. Tim's hot rod
pulls up and Tim gets out and joins Al. Bob's hot rod pulls up]

Tim:

Hi everybody. [Al salutes] We're here on location at the airport to talk
about aerodynamics.

Al:

No we're not. We're here so Tim can settle a grudge with Bob Vila.

Tim:

In an aerodynamical sort of way. [Tim and Al turn around to the camera
behind them] Welcome to "Tool Time's" First Annual Quarter Mile Drags.
Speaking of a drag, you all know my assistant Al Borland. [Tim slaps Al's
back]

Al:

The drivers today are Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and he will be driving [Al
goes over to Tim's hot rod] a 1933 Ford Roadster. [Tim sticks up his
thumbs. Al goes over to Bob's hot rod. Bob is standing by the car] Driving
one of the premier Coups of our time is one of the premier tool men of our
time, Bob Vila. [Al shakes Bob's hand]

Thank you. [Tim puts on his helmet which has a camera on it. Heidi goes
over to the start line]

[Tim starts his car and raises his arm in success. Bob and Tim rev their
engines and stare at each other. The cars start to edge forward. Heidi lowers
the green flag, and they're off! They're neck and neck]

Heidi:

[Looking through binoculars] Go, Tim!

Al:

Gee, he's really keeping up with him.

[The cars are still neck and neck. Bob's car edges slightly forward and
crosses the finish line just before Tim's does]

Cut to the garage, later that day.

[Tim is wiping down the paint work. Jill enters from the kitchen]

Jill:

Honey, you O.K?

Tim:

Sure. Don't just stand there, grab a rag.

[Jill helps wipe the car]

Jill:

You seem to be taking this loss to Bob Vila pretty well.

Tim:

Maybe I don't think it's a loss.

Jill:

I like it when you're deluded. You're much easier to deal with.

Tim:

I'm just saying I think I could have beaten him.

Jill:

How d'you mean that?

Tim:

At the finish line, we were neck and neck. If I'd pushed the red line, I
could have gone right by.

Jill:

Why didn't you?

Tim:

Well honey, it's a new motor, I didn't break it in. I didn't wanna risk
blowing the thing up.

Jill:

Are you saying you let him win?

Tim:

I'm saying Bob bought his hot rod; I put three years into this and I built
this thing. I'm not gonna risk wrecking it over some stupid race.

Jill:

I'm real proud of you.

Tim:

Well, you know what they say: Spirit of the rod. To heck with Bob!

Jill:

You are getting very mature in your old age.

Tim:

Well, you can't stay young forever, honey.

Jill:

That's true.

Tim:

Hey, what d'you say [Tim pops
open the back seat] we pop ourselves into the rumble seat and make out
like we used to?

Jill:

Cool! [They climb in] Sit here.

Tim:

Ah! Alright! [Jill laughs]

Jill:

Wait a minute. I've gotta spit out my gum. [Jill spits out her gum. They
embrace and kiss]

[The car registration is "2L TIME"]

Cut to a sign that reads "The Taylor's Hot Rod Shop."

[Montage of scenes showing the construction of the hot rod]

Cut to Tim sitting on the hot rod frame, pretending to drive it.

Cut to Tim in the kitchen showing Jill the steering column.

Cut to Tim welding in the garage while Jill is making a clay pot.

Cut to Brad in the garage using the fire cutter.

Cut to Tim unveiling the engine with Hank and Dave.

Cut to Tim working on the cylinders while Jill loads the washing machine.

Cut to Tim banging his head on the hot rod frame while talking to Jill's
mother. Jill's mother pulls out the dip stick.

Cut to Tim first trying to start the engine in front of Brad and Randy. The
engine starts. Jill and Mark enter and they all celebrate.

Cut to Joe Morton knocking off the grill and damaging it.

Cut to Tim wiping the windscreen. Randy walks past in a thick winter coat with
snow on it.

Cut to Tim in the car. He turns on the headlights, shining them right at Mark.
Mark covers his eyes.

Cut to Brad and Mark helping Tim with the engine.

Cut to Tim pulling off the sheet to unveil the car for his family.

Cut to Tim driving the car out of the garage.

CREDITS

[Outtake from the final garage scene. Tim is in the car. Jill is leaning
against it]

Jill:

You are getting very mature in your old age.

Tim:

Well, you can't stay young forever, honey. Hey, what d'you say we [Tim
pops open the back seat] pop ourselves into the... [Tim's hand is stuck
down the back of the seat where the lever is. Tim pulls on his arm but it
won't come out. Jill laughs. Tim takes off his watch and manages to get
his arm out. The staff laugh. Tim slaps the car with the rag]

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