Thursday, December 29, 2011

Pity, party of one

I'm not sure why, but lately I've been feeling really down about things, and about myself in particular. I don't know if it's the winter, or the fact that I was in a really dark place this time last year and it's all rearing its ugly head again, or if it's just people being in town and stirring up old, not very pleasant memories for me, but lately I have felt pretty crummy.

There have been some personal life things, nasty arguments where things have been said that are pretty hurtful, and then a lot of things are just carry over from past things. And what's the worst is that every time I start to feel like this, I find myself thinking a lot about how I'm often not the person people choose in relationships. Typically, everyone picks Jason. He's likable, he's friendly, he's intelligent and he's kind. Me? I'm not really any of those things. 99% of the time, I hear "I was pretty sure you were a total bitch when I first met you". I'm guarded. I say what I think. I have high expectations and I don't really give people the option of not meeting them. I come with baggage, I guess, and as a result, people don't inherently like me. It's not new, it's happened my whole life. It just wasn't a problem before because I wasn't standing next to someone who everyone loves, so that by comparison I feel small and insignificant. I often feel like if he is around, I'm just...not. I stop mattering to people. I am an accessory, not a necessity. That's hard to know about yourself. I mean hell, even my "best friend" told me that she only tolerates me so that she can spend time with Jason. Stings, doesn't it? But that's how it is. I go to every school board meeting Jason goes to, but no one ever notices or remembers me, they always credit him with making the time to attend. I do as much work with the drama department as he does, but the kids act like he's the only one there working to help them. I did as much directing work in our show over the summer as he did, but everyone credits him as the director. So where do I fit? At what point do people appreciate me for me instead of something that tags along with Jason like a weight around his neck?

And honestly, I find myself angry at him and resenting him for the fact that everyone picks him over me. It's not his fault, I know that on an intellectual level, but at the same time.....I can't help getting angry because it sucks. Like.....really really sucks. It's pretty lonely, and it puts me into a position where I don't even really want to talk to people about it because I don't want to be accused, as I have been previously, of bringing "too much drama" and I also don't want to complain about things and have people think less of Jason due to what I might say, or think less of me for well....being me. And there's no solution to it anyway. I can't make him less likable. I can't make myself into him. I can't make people like me or enjoy my company. So that leaves me nowhere. But I'm lonely. And I'm sad. And I wish I was missed when I'm not around. And I wish people asked me to do things without Jason sometimes, that way I felt like it wasn't just him they wanted to be around all the time.

And I wish that he wasn't the only one who got apologies when people say hurtful things. I wish they offered me the same courtesies.