It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.After the community sing along, led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -- Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket --- a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain."I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch". The audience became mesmerized, as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. The audience was hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center, and Claude was never invited there again.

No1: A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife's nipples while she was asleep. The next day their driver died of poisoning. **************************************

No2: A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked his Dad why. He answered, "so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum." **************************************

No3: A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid said "sir. you are my witness you know I never wear panties!"

************************************No4: Couple is having a quickie and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!

************************************No5: A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter to buy drinks a prostitute approached his wife & whispered, "You must DEMAND cash before sex, I know him he doesn't pay. ************************************

No6: An 8 year old boy is accused of rape. In court his lady lawyer holds his dick out as evidence saying, "Your Honour see this, can he rape* with this tiny tot?"The boy whispers, "Don't shake it, we'll lose the case!" **************************************

Sam goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?"Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees. After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home. My wife died a year ago."

The only cow in small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles.

Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, ´Thanks, Boy, whatcha gonna to do about it?’ Moshe burst into tears."Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.I left my wallet in the cab I took home.I found my wife in bed with the postman, then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" theyasked the boy..

"It was the lady up the street," said "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

I'm "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.Over coffee, the Greek says: "Well, we built the Parthenon".The Italian replies: "We built the Coliseum."The Greek retorts: "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics". The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire".And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.With a flourish of finality he says: "We invented sex!"The Italian replies: "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women!

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from The National Statistics Office and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealed that: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.