Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4487

Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"
"Yeah," she replied, "probably playing golf with his buddies." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4488

Medical Samples
An elderly couple walks into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample."
The old man says: "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says: "What?"
So the doctor yells: "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that, the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!" Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4489

Worst Day Of My Life
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half an hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that," the man replied: "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.”
The man was really sobbing now. "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4490

Where Is It?
A Mr. Buford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he badly has to take a dump. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the men's room in the lobby, but finds that all the stalls are occupied.
In desperation, he runs back up to his room, drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a sh*t in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that reads:
"Dear Mr. Buford... All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?" Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4491

Viagra Prescription
An older man goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra and requests the largest dose possible. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the man explains that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor nods and fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same man goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks: "Why? Is your penis in that much pain?"
"No," the man responds. "It's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!" Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4492

You've Got to Hand It to Him
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"

Sunday

Joke
N°
4493

A Blonde's Revenge
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells: "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies: "Shut up, you're next."
Ryan Murphy