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2009 Shows

They changed your diapers, cooked your meals, did your laundry and put up with your bratty attitude, but does Mom always know what's best for you? Dr. Phil's guests say their mothers go overboard, and it's time to back off. Bobby, 24, lives with his mom, Rhonda. She irons his boxers, tells him when to go to bed and pay his bills and buys him anything he wants. Bobby says he's had enough and wants his mom to let him grow up. So why doesn’t he move out? Bobby's girlfriend, Kristi, says mother and son have an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. Who will decide to cut the cord first: Bobby or Rhonda? Next, Angie says her 13-year-old daughter, Savanna's, behavior is out of control. She says the teen is failing school, is extremely hateful and has a horrible attitude. Savanna says she'd rather be in jail than live at home. Why does she say her mother is to blame for their feuds? How can this mother and daughter come together and learn to get along? Then, a husband surprises his wife, whom he says is an amazing mother. And, don't forget the special woman in your life this Mother's Day.&nbsp; Join the discussion.

I'm in agreement with "Rhonda's house, Rhonda's rules" if and only if Bobby wasn't paying rent. The exact terms of Rhonda and her son's arrangement was never established on the air. If Bobby is living there rent-free, like a high school kid, he deserves to be treated as a high school kid. If he is paying substantial rent, then the arrangement is like that of a tenant in a rooming house. As a college kid, I once lived in a rooming house, and believe me when I say that while my landlady enforced reasonable quiet hours and reasonable standards of cleanliness, no guns, no drugs or other illegal activities etc., etc., she otherwise had NO say about my comings and goings.

There's nothing wrong with requiring teenagers to do their own laundry and cook occasionally. They gotta learn it eventually! My sister and I did our own laundry and most of the cooking when we were teens. We hated doing it, but we were ready to go when we moved out. And we didn't have to depend on Mom for clean clothes!

I'm surprised Dr. Phil didn't pick up on this in the Angie vs. Savannah segment:

Dr. Phil asked Savannah why she was failing in school, and she said she didn't know, that she didn't know how to do her work. I'm wondering if she needs tutoring. Has she been evaluated for a learning disability?

If she starts doing better in school, it can bring her a sense of achievement so she has a better attitude. And maybe Mom will quit laying into her quite so often.

I wonder if her anger is really fear - fear that you will continue to worsen physically and become bedridden... or even die. It maybe harder than she can admit to see you like this. She may even see it as a prophesy of her own old age.

Bobby is 24, why is he still finishing his college degree?
He could get a job and move out, but he doesn't want to. He could get three part -time jobs and move out, but he doesn't want to.
He hates her nagging, but he likes the money and being looked after. He doesn't have to buy a house, he could move in with a group of friends like any college student. If his mother pays his dental bills, and he doesn;t take care of his teeth it will cost her more money. If he paid his dentist bills and lived on his own, she would say nothing. How he behaves does effect her directly and financially.
He doesn't like it, move out?

First off... I gotta say this... Bobby is luckier than he knows. He's a 25-year-old mama's boy, still living with Mom, no less, and... for the trifecta... is still partially dependent on her financially! Yet somehow, he has managed to come up with a girlfriend! And not just any girlfriend, but Kristi, who is apparently smart and perceptive, and likes him enough to a.) hook up with him in the first place, b.) not run screaming for the exit after getting a load of "Miss Rhonda" for the first time and c.) take him on as a project, to help him grow both a chin and a pair. What's more, on top of it all, Kristi is just plain adorable! If I were but 30 years younger...

That all said, Bobby needs to understand the slippery slope he is standing on. After my divorce, I was not just an emotional wreck (My wife left me because she decided, after nearly 20 years, that she liked women better. <OUCH!> ), after the scorched earth treatment I suffered at the hands of my erstwhile soon-to-be-ex-wife, I was a financial one as well. My parents came to me and suggested that I move back in with them into their 4-bedroom, 2,500 sq. ft. "empty nest, " until I get my head together and back on my feet financially.

After all the stupid decisions I have made in my life and still live with the consequences thereof, one of the few smartones I made was to thank them for their kind offer, but to nevertheless refuse it. I told them at the time that I was afraid that if I moved back in with them - in my damaged state - I might never leave. Instead, I did a little networking and a friend got me in touch with someone they knew who needed a roommate.

I had already experienced living on my own, more or less since I was 18 years old. I worked all the way through university too. I knew what independence was, and was scared to death that if I gave it up - even temporarily to "get back on my feet" - I would never get it back! My sister, after her ugly divorce, did choose to move back in with the folks, and over 10 years later, she is still there, and remains one of the few people I know more screwed up and dysfunctional than I am.

So to Bobby, I say...

GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!! You have never experienced independence yet. If you reach age 30, still in the same house with Mommy Dearest, YOU ARE DOOMED!! You will become that creepy, stoop-shouldered, paunchy, balding guy that people tell their small children to avoid like the pox! Your neighbors will be making it a point to go online every six months to check for your name on the local convicted sex offenders list!

There was a mother-daughter pair who lived a few doors down the block from me years ago. The daughter was in her 70's and the mother was a centenarian. They were both retired school teachers. The daughter had never left home, never married. She was what people back in my youth called a "spinster." People in the neighborhood thought these eccentric and dotty old ladies were kind of charming, even cute. People would bring them things. They would invite them to dinner on holidays and go over from time to time to check on them, to see if they were all right or in need of anything.

But you, Bobby, need to be aware that there was a gender-based double standard operating. Back then, NO ONE thought ANY grown man living with his aging mother was either cute or charming!! The neighbors would be imagining Norman Bates (You know, that psychotic killer in the movie and novel "Psycho"), and be wondering from time to time if "Mother Dear's" dessicated corpse was secretly being kept in the attic by middle-aged son Bobby, who supplemented his income by continuing to cash her Social Security checks. Nowadays, people are more suspicious, and can imagine far more horrific scenarios for what goes on behind their neighbors' closed doors. Get out now, or risk eventually becoming Boo Radley.

And to Kristi...

You seem like such a delightful, bright and lovely young woman...

So GET OUT!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! You can do SO much better. Don't be one of those hapless women who are suckers for so-called "project guys." They derive a sense of fulfillment from being needed by people who need "fixing." They labor under the false optimism that people can change, and they eventually grow to become embittered, discouraged and old before their time from the accumulated weight of decades of disappointments and passed-up opportunities.

The thing is, my 56 years of life experience tell me that people can change, but most - the overwhelming majority - do NOT! Possibly they can, but they just DON'T! From my observations, the kind of person one is by age 16 or so is the person they will be throughout their lives. A person's fundamental world view, their values, their ethics, their temperament, their character, is pretty much set in epoxy by the middle teens at the latest. In an extreme example, if one at age 16 has no conscience - is the operating definition of a sociopath - that same person at age 30, 40 or 60 will STILL be a sociopath, and no process or intervention, however intensive, heart-felt or dedicated on the part of others on his behalf will change that.

Can a bully change? Most of the time, that bully who takes pleasure beating up on weaker kids in the 5th grade, becomes either the thuggish felon-in-training who takes pleasure in beating up on the same weaker kids in 10th grade, or the sneering jock who mercilessly taunts, belittles and torments the nerds, geeks, goths, flamers, weidos and other social outcasts that cower in the corners of every high school. And finally, achieving adulthood, he becomes the abusive, self-esteem deflating, soul-sucking son-of-a-bitch for whom at some point nearly every one of us has suffered the misfortune of having to work.

Can Bobby grow some big brass ones and cut the cord from Mommy? Maybe. But from my experience, a mama's boy is a mama's boy is a mama's boy. He will not change until some serious loss or trauma forces it upon him - IF THEN. His mother kicking him out? <Yeah, right! THAT'S going to happen!> The woman for whom he cares the most, (besides his mother, of course) perhaps the love of his life, perhaps even you, Kristi, dumping his sorry butt? Failing those, would even his mother's eventual death from old age force him to be a man? Maybe... But more likely, he would seek out and find some woman who loves "project guys" like him, with whom he can form a relationship just like the one he currently enjoys with his mother.

Kristi, you need to take inventory. Examine all of Bobby's personal traits. List the good. And list the bad. Are any of his bad traits deal breakers? Could you live with him the rest of your life if he NEVER changes at all? Or are you betting that over time he can be molded, "trained" to become the better man you wish you were with? Personally, I would rather bet on the state lotto than take those odds. If you are thinking that Bobby is NOT the kind of man you would want to marry, WHY oh WHY are you wasting your time? You're just dating so far, I get that. But if you are not looking for potential marriage material, instead of with Bobby, you could be "just dating" with some other perfectly nice, but RICHER yo-yo who would at least shower you with expensive gifts and take you on trips to Paris!

To Mommy Dearest...

If you REALLY love your son...

KICK HIS ASS OUT!! Give him 60 days to get a job and a place to live. Help him move if you like. Then, change the locks! And don't give him another dime outside of Christmas and his birthday. Lastly, LEAVE HIM ALONE! Sometimes for several days at a time. Let him be forced to figure out his own life. As things sit, you couldn't castrate him any better with a straight razor.

If you get this twice please recognize it as an old age thing. I wrote earlier but don't think I submitted it. I know you cannot solve all the problems of the world but you do a very good job. Anyway, I am angry and if I write this maybe I can feel a little better. Last school term I had my two grandsons living with me. One was 12 year old and in Charlie Walker Middle School in Tampa/Odessa, Fla. His father and I went to the school 3 times because he was being bullied by 3 other students. He was very depressed and did not want to go to school even tho' he was on the High Honor Roll. The first time, I was told that "boys will be boys" and the councilor did a mediation with my grandson and the three boys. It didn't end so next time I went to the Dr. of Pyshology councilor and he said that my grandson was not the only one complaining about the three boys but his hands were tied and disciplinary action would have to come from the school board. We waited but no follow-up was done so finally I was told that their parents were notified and they would POSSIBLY be suspended. I never heard any more until we had to complain a third time. There were several others plus one of the new female teachers. I was told at that time that the proper action would not likely be taken since it was so near the end of the school term. I told him that suspension in my opinion was only rewarding them for bad behavior since the parents didn't seem to care. Well my grandson did not go to Walker for 8th grade but yesterday in the news, four boys from that school had badly beaten and sexually battered another male student. I got sick to my stomach when I found out what was done to that poor child and it could have been mine. One of the teachers interviewed on T.V stated "We as teachers should have been aware of something going on." DUH!!!! What has to happen to stop this.? Walker is in a nice new location and has had a good **** rating. I am scared to death because my younger grandson has yet to go to middle school. Thanks for reading this . I am a faithful Dr. Phil and Robin fan. I thought Florida had a "no tolerance for bullying" law.

I know I'll sound like Bill Cosby, but in my mind, that's a GOOD thing! Where are the Fathers today? Not all marriages work out, BUT fathers should not divorce their children. Unless there was abuse, or some very serious issues, dads should not feel O.K. about copping out on being a strong influence in their child/ren's lives.True, some fathers die, and unless they have siblings or a dad who can step in as as help, the situation there is not able to be fixed. Death does get a pass.More than anyone, my concerns are for Savannah. Mike and Rhonda...well, a little too long, but he's not 30 yet, and some have a longer rite of passage than others. He DOES live in his Mom's house, and sorry to sound rigid, but my house, my rules. Rhonda may be overbearing, but Mike could call to give a ball park time as to when he'll be coming home. Common courtesy when you live with someone. If he's only there for want of money, well, he's paying in another way. If the price is too high, he'll be motivated to leave, and if not it can't bother him that much.Savannah needs more than her Mom, and her Mom needs more than work and two kids, especially one with a mouth!Is there a father in that picture? Any relatives who can step in, out of love...not only a "professional" who would be helpful, just not family.I cannot see that family as "normal" in any sense of the word...I wonder how Savannah would like Juvie Hall or Foster care? She too young to even begin to comprehend what life could be like in either place.I hope they do get councilling, but I'd like to see Savannah checked out by a medical doctor as well. Hormones do strange things, and while some of her behavior is to be expected, if she's raging with hormones and is out of control, they can regulate these things. My opinion, nobody should have to live like that. It is H.E.L.L.I also wonder if they belong to any Church group...if not, it may be an idea. The more positives that family can grab, the better life can be.If it doesn't change, Savannah may get her wish...foster care or jail, and I doubt she'll be happy with either.

Mom's don't always know best. I have young children and I am sure I make mistakes with them daily. My oldest is 4 and not as independent as he could be. I have babied him a little more than I should have. I tell myself I need to let him make his own mistakes and deal with the consequences but that is harder than one would think. I love my children so much and I don't want them to make mistakes that may hurt them. It is hard to let your children go. When they are born you feel this overwhelming amount of love and that doesn't go away just because they age. Go easy on us Moms. We just love the kids and want the best for them. That being said us Moms do need to let go as age requires it.

I'm 24 (almost 25)... live on my own. Have a full time job as well as my aspiring free lance jobs. I've been on my own for 6 years and pay my bills. My mother moved up into the same state of last year and she visits EVERY weekend... and usually stays over all weekend. Having a full time job you know and understand that your spare time isn't that abundant. I don't have a boyfriend (neither does she). So I'm really only left with the time I have after work. I've tried to become more social but I'm a bit shy and a lot of things in life require money... but my pay check go to my living expenses. Neither of us really want to be single (she REALLY doesn't want to be single)... but in this day and age it's hard to meet people. Regardless... for 5 of those years I got very used to being my own person... but she can be really clingy. When I confronted her on wanting my own space she cried and pretty much acted as though I was being selfish. Once I had plans with a friend and she had said that she'd come over anyways while I was out. Then when I said we'd probably go back to my place and hang out she said call her when my friend was gone so she could come over. Like my personal space isn't just for me. Like I've established myself and am self aware... I've always been an independent and mature person... so having my space is also for her. She needs to learn to live life without her children. I'm not really the type of person that makes weekend plans for the weekend. If someone calls me Saturday morning and says lets hang out I want to be available. How are we both suppose to meet people if she's always clinging on to me? We've always had a unique relationship... because my parents divorce when I was young I was the emotional support for her growing up. I fixed the balance... did chores... etc. Somewhat took care of her. And now it's like the same routine. I have to remind her of different bills and to save money etc. And it's not like I don't love her she's my mom... but growing up I always believed that it was the child that grows up... moves out... and establishes their own life. And I'm not saying I don't want to see her ever... but every weekend all weekend long is A LOT. Like maybe a day once a month or something is better. How are we suppose to be our own people?