Friday, November 4, 2011

Picking Up the Pieces

Last night I found myself an emotional wreck. It'd been a long day, another morning after a sleepless night kind of day. The ones that make me believe I was born to die young just to resurrect as a zombie. Just kept trucking along, although mentally n physically spent. J_____ finally read the text I sent him at 2 am, n asked me how the hell I stayed awake all day, n said that I didn't even look tired hahah. It's only cos everyone's grown so used to the brain-dead, emotionally fucked me, that there's no basis for comparison. At school, that's the only face, only side I have, n I find it hard to give enough fucks about being happy there to change.

Got home late, cos papa dearest told me not to get on the bus, that he was coming to pick me up...He didn't mention he'd get there at 6:30 though, when I could've made my own way n been home by 6.

Helped with dinner, sat down to eat just the mother n I, n that's when the newest sad stories n the tears broke out. Gi bon can't stop crying lately over her practically parent-less grandkids, always going to the bathroom or her bedroom where they won't see or hear her. Chi h___ isn't holding up so well either, always away from her kids 4 or 5 days of the week. She calls the mother to sob n vent constantly, all through the week, to get off her chest how much she misses her kids n how unbearable the hurt is. As women n as mothers, they're the ones feeling this most, but at the same time the ones most responsible for keeping up brave fronts n navigating their household through the wreck. Shit with him isn't getting better either... just last week, d___ asked him when he was coming home to live with mommy, n he told her that they weren't ever going to be together again... had d___ crying for hours.

(The bastard's decisions are still, n always will be, inexcusable. But influences n experiences that led to his fucked up frame of thought behind those decisions, are impossible to account for. Honestly, the way I see it now, everyone made mistakes along the way. It all built up, n then my cousin's were the catalyst that really fucked shit up for good.)

It's tearing at everyone's heart strings, the way these kids are caught up in a situation they're in no way at fault for. They're suffering the consequences of adults, forced to be self-taught in coping with n recovering from mistakes not of their own. The biggest influences of their lives are suddenly absent all the time, n grandparents can only substitute your parents in so many ways. Then there's the constant worry of their future, of history repeating itself, of all this messy shit leaving open wounds that last into adulthood.

There's not enough love in their lives... think about it, how do you learn to love if your prime examples, your parents n your fam, are falling to pieces before your young eyes? I just worry so much about their emotional welfare, the kiddies' n their whole fam's. Right now, growing up the way they are, d___ n d_____ are so at risk of forming severe trust issues, low self-esteem, n angry disobedience... if they haven't already. It pisses me the fuck off to know how preventable circumstances were n are, n still see their long faces. I miss their bright eyes... no child should have to bear the heaviness that they do.

The mother goes on to talk about how d_____ isn't doing well in school cos he doesn't focus, doesn't pay attention, n disrespects the teacher. On the nights that chi h___ is home, she'll check her kids' homework n realize that d_____ isn't learning what he should be. She'll yell at him outa frustration, accomplishing nothing but a teary eyed, angry 7 year old. His disrespect's been growing more n more, but no one around has the patience to discipline him anymore. N simple parent-teacher meetings are hard as hell to schedule, since chi h___'s not home much. That's when the effect of her absence is clearest, when she feels guiltiest n most powerless.

The mother was straight bawling into her food, it was damn depressing. So hard to sit there in front of her n listen to her sob out these details. It took all the restraint I had to not lose it n reinforce the desperation of the situation.

I just feel so fucking dumb n terrible for waiting this long to forreal get involved n help fix shit. Kept worrying that my presence in the matters as a daughter of the younger generation would only disrespect my elders, but I needa push customary shit aside n remember: this is my fucking family. N I'll go to hell before I stand by n watch my own loved ones suffer anymore, knowing damn well I have the power to improve their situation, even in the littlest ways.

From now on, I will be there with them on the nights that their mommy's gone, for at least half an hour or however long they need me. I will check over their homework n instill better work ethics n manners. I will be there for their questions n their stories, for all the things they have no one to talk to about. I will remind them that I'm here, that I always have been n forever will be. I will love them everyday, so that they never forget.

The mother wasn't sure about the idea cos she was concerned about my workload n grades, but fuck that shit. All it took was a minute for her to realize that family came first.

When our plan was decided, she went off to call chi h___ to let her know wassup, all excited to tell her our good news. So I cleaned my dishes, went up to the living room, closed the door... n fucking violently cried, cried myself back to composure. Holy shit...

After I looked okay again, ba came up with a thick envelope from vietnam in hand, n asked me to guess what was inside. I didn't have many ideas except maybe a card or letter... but he just kept shaking his head n smiling mad goofy as he knifed the mail to pull out a nice card, open it, n reveal...........

Toothpicks.

He asked my aunt to air mail him bamboo toothpicks from across the world.