One Man's Case for Jorts, and Durability

With summer almost here, a big topic in the male fashion world is shorts. But all anyone wants to discuss is the "new" proper length. Five- or 11-inch inseam, Stockton-short or Webber-long, that debate doesn't interest me. No, what I most care about is what fabrics men's shorts are currently being made of. Because, in my opinion, all those materials suck compared to the one short we all refuse to wear: jorts.

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Yes, the "acceptable" male shorts of the moment—whether khaki, chino, linen, seersucker, or madras (whatever that is) —simply aren't rugged enough for daily living. Certainly for this man's daily living, and I'm nothing more manly than a stay-at-home writer. Yet, every summer I manage to quickly wear a hole in my shorts pockets from house keys. I'm currently wearing some J. Crew club short chinos (in "dusty berry," natch) and, though, I've only had them since last summer, there's already an unsightly tear in their thin fabric.

The shorts of today likewise stain so easily. If I sit down on a park bench for just a second in my Banana Republic "original fit" khaki shorts, my ass immediately gains black lines on it like a Whopper from Burger King. I'm not a man who likes holes in his clothes or lines on his ass (or having to launder his shorts after every single wearing) and that is why, the shorts I truly wish we could wear in polite society are, yes, jorts.

You remember jorts, right? Those jean shorts atrocities briefly popular in the early-90s? For some reason they've been tossed into the fashion disaster bin and are now solely worn by folks who attend NASCAR events and/or root for the Florida State Seminoles. Well, make fun of those huckleberries all you want, but they're onto something. Jorts are unquestionably the sturdiest, most un-stainable, and surely least effete shorts humankind has ever created.

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The author during the glory days of jorts.

OK, I suppose they look "bad." Yes, it's easy to mock the kind of unaware hickswho wearjorts. There's even a Jorts.com for gathering user images of jorts out in the wild, though it appears the domain's registrar has gotten bored with the concept.

I simply don't understand why us sophisticated men can wear jeans anytime and anywhere, yet not jean shorts. We agree we like the sturdiness, ruggedness, and darkness of jeans, so why aren't we sick of being clad in wisp-thin shorts only available in colors like "neon azure," "coastal pink," and "crisp mint"?

Sadly, even if wanted some, I have no clue where in Manhattan I'd possibly purchase jorts. Even if I found a "vintage" pair at the Housing Works I can't imagine what would happen were I to wear them in public. Some Upper East Sider would probably ask if I got lost from my double-decker bus tour, arrogantly pointing the way back toward Times Square.

Why such hatred? The first Google return for "jorts" is from Urban Dictionary, whose entry notes "Jean shorts. Worn mostly by children and douchebags. Jorts are the easiest way to recognize people you will not like." Except for attractive women I believe.

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Indeed, I have noticed "cool" women sporting jorts especially if bottom butt curvature is hinted at (see: Beyonce jorting out recently). Likewise, any time I head downtown on a warm day I notice gay men proudly walking the streets in jorts. Then again, they also get away with sporting tank tops and mustaches so they're clearly allowed to do things I'm not.

Thus, this is my plea for jorts to no longer be socially unacceptable for heterosexual males and the exclusive domain of women, homosexuals, and SEC football fans. Of course, you're going to have to help me. I'm certainly not going to start a jorts trend, lest my girlfriend leave me for a man in a nice pair of Bonobos cotton linen "Shorelines" (in brick red). However, the second I see cool guys wearing jorts, I'm going to so quickly and gladly follow suit. And I might not have to wait that long.

You may be shocked to learn jorts are becoming available at stores so trendy you've never heard of them and at prices so high you'll surely leave a comment below about how some people are starving while rich hipsters buy haute couture jorts.

Swedish brand Our Legacy offers a lightweight jort with an honest-to-goodness "elasticated" waistband perfect for the man who can no longer afford a belt after shelling out $145. Oliver Spencer gives their take on "sophisticated" jorts with these slim, cuffed $215 beauties. Finally, those arbiters of international cool, Dolce & Gabbana offer "laid-back" Italian jorts that could be a dead ringer for the kind favored by gentlemen who consider Tim Tebow jerseys "business casual." I'll be damned if I wouldn't wear the shit out of them all summer long. Mainly, because I know I'd never get a hole in the pocket, a park bench would never ass-stain them, and no one would possibly confuse me for a WASP en route to Nantucket. If only I could afford the lofty $455 price tag.

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Maybe jorts are forever to be relegated to the closets of the upper and lower classes, completely ignoring us in the middle, like meth addiction or gravel driveways. But, I say, if we don't finally admit the lightweight fabrics of today's shorts simply aren't working for most men, if we don't just accept jorts, then we'll eventually have to try something else out. Like cargo shorts. And, I think we'd all agree, no one needs that many pockets.

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