Thursday, March 20, 2014

Prelude:
I am no stranger to Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim’s speeches, though I believe he is
chummy with mine…in case he wants my vote. Apart from the usual clips on TV
news, after leaving school, I had direct experience of watching him give speech
during a dinner function. It was a comfy event with minimal select group (my
uncle was with a defence/politics strategy think tank organisation, hence my
being there with him). I was blown away on how educated Anwar was, mostly listening
him to spout quotes from various intellects and their books to support his
points. I was 19 then. Now, I was thinking, being jobless and all, that maybe I
should take a crack in becoming a political speech writer. Good moolah, better
use of creativity and best living imaginable, especially so if your boss is as bent
as his phallic treasure.

Here
is something I would write for Anwar to canvass support for his wife in the
upcoming election in Kajang. The points in parentheses are my notes for him,
just, you know, he is in the right direction…End of
Prelude.

Remember,
the notes within the brackets are my notes/reminder/instruction for him.

The
Speech

This will be the last speech before the
rakyat (don’t say “people”, “rakyat” is
the preferred word, just like innocent Mee Goreng, instead of Fried Noodle that
comes with knowledge that it has enough cholesterol to give a T-Rex heart attack)go
out voting for the Kajang constituency.

Yes, the last speech to garner your support
to vote for my partner, Miss…I mean, Datuk Seri Wan Azizah, who have been with
me through thick and thin and touched me (don’t
touch your cheek; you know, I know, so leave it) with her dedication and
strong will during trying times.

Let’s talk about Kajang. We all know what
Kajang is famous for, the satay. Yum, stick it in the back of the flesh, like
really deep (don’t get emotional here if
it all comes back to you) and grill it. But I am not here to talk about
cooking show (pause here, there will be
roar of laughter from a bunch of blokes and gals we will be providing and to
whom we will show signal as to when to laugh) but what is cooking in
Pakatan Rakyat’s cauldron (seeing that
many may not know that word, say it anyway to make you look smart), a
cooking pot that is, which is meant to be served to the Kajang folks.

In a book called Gastronomy: An Insight on
Gaseous Intestine and the Use of Methane, Jamie Oliver Cromwell noted that the
best way into others heart is through the stomach. Which is weird, because the
food does pass by the heart to reach stomach, huh? Huh? (pause again for audience laughter, if none, scratch your nose and
proceed)

Speaking of food, there have been snide
remarks on how Kajang constituency looks like that extinct bird, Dodo, on the
map. What piffle statement is that? Add the letter “L” to Dodo, and it becomes
Dodol, a sticky, gooey delicacy (pause
for laughter from ‘audience’ and scratch your arms while you wait).

But should Kajang be satisfied only with
the satay? How about the development here? The basic structure?

In his
milestone book, Erections of the 21st
Century: Stimulating buildings and pulsating towersof the future, by John Cocksure, the author noted that, and I
quote, “the orgasmic achievement by a towering erection is measured by the
deepest involvement of the owner”, the owner he meant was the rakyat ourselves.
If we are elected (elected, not erected, careful),
we will definitely fill this city that has not been receiving any attention due
to lack of landmark, despite the apartments and condominiums (condo-minium, not condom-minium, be careful)
with awesome buildings and towers and gigantic appendages that will compensate
our (not‘my’) shortcomings (not‘short-cumming’).

The ruling government pays too much
attention in seeking attention of the voters, who are adult, that they tend to
ignore the children. If you vote for us, rest assured, we shall make sure that
the small ones are generously feted with toys, and especially, dolls from
china. For boys, we have manufacturers from the US which is currently working
on an action figure, called Super Anwar, which is designed to win cases in toy
courts, judged by the evil Wig-Man, and defended by a toy non-action figure
lawyer in wheelchair and Super Anwar is always saying, “Hi man!” in Jamaican
accent.

I shall not take away
the limelight from the star of this election. Be focused, and vote wisely. The
future of Kajang is in your hands which means we decide what you do. Adieu and
to quote Edgar Allan Poe when he conquered Monggolia, “I’ll be back”.

About Me

Writer.
Mostly Frank. Good at bad cracks. Bad at being politically correct. Excels in ranting. Strong in willpower, weak in discipline. I am a being with contradictions and that is normal, I guess...Politically I am right leaning lefty with strong liberal principles. Skeptic by approach and strong believer of individual rights, whatever it means nowadays...