Vince is Back, and You’re Gonna Love His Nuts

Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow! You’re gonna be slappin’ your troubles away with Slap Chop! Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life: You’re gonna have an exciting life now! You’re gonna love my nuts, watch this… Stop throwing your money away! You’re gonna slap away every day! We’re gonna make America skinny again, One Slap at a Time. Call in the next 20 minutes (“because we can’t do this all day”) and you’ll get the Graty absolutely free!

Vince Offer, America’s most trusted name trust in fine as-seen-on-TV merchandise, is back with an inspirational message of hope. After wasting $20/month on paper towels, and absorbing twenty times his weight in cola, Vince and his array of German towels have taken to the airwaves and intertubes with a stunning new value proposition: The Slap Chop, and its trusty sidekick, Graty ™. These magnificent devices promise to make our troubles go away, make tuna (and life itself) exciting, and Make America Skinny again. And just in time. Both appear to be decendants of the No Whammy plunger from a 1980’s game show, and it seems they can be yours for the unbelievable low price of $19.95 + $7.95 shipping and handling + $5.00 processing fee for Graty (that white and yellow cheese isn’t free, you know). Don’t forget to ask about the Foldable Cutting Board, and remember, there’s a limit of five per household. All I can say is “Sham WOW”!