"It is my one pleasure in this world of tears."-Indio Shaman shilling for Dr. Pepper in Airboy #3 (1986).

November 30, 2003

Batman 379, 384-390, Annual 9 (1985)

1985 is the year I began collecting Batman again. Doug Moench is still doing the writing. By the end of the year the regular artists was Tom Mandrake.

In anticipation of reaching this batch, my memory is that this was a decent run. However, upon exposing the books to the harsh review of scrutiny required by the standards and means people here at The Comic Treadmill, I have to admit my memory played tricks on me. This stuff stinks.

Not all of it mind you. Moench is just fine when doing straight Batman vs. criminal minds fights. Issue 379 is a battle vs. the Mad Hatter. 384-385 are a Calendar Man story that make Calendar man interesting. Heck, his motif is no wackier than other Bat-bad guys. Cool thing about Calendar Man: He wears a different costume for every crime. That's styling! Issue 388 features Batman vs. Mirror Master and Capt. Boomerang (this was in the limbo after Flash was canceled and before Barry died in Crisis). These stories were OK. And Mandrake's art is fine too.

However, the bulk of the run concentrates on soap opera stuff that belongs on daytime TV, not in Batman. The biggest culprit is Nocturna, some sort of albino villainess who steals from the rich and gives to the poor and who Batman has uncontrollable feelings of lust for - this is Batman, the kissy-faced avenger. Add to the mix that Nocturna adopts Jason Todd - he sees hers as a mother figure he needs (Nocturna knows Batman is Bruce Wayne. The Joker doesn't. Catwoman doesn't. But Nocturna does. Yeah right. The cut-off for villains who know Bruce Wayne is Batman needs to be small). So Jason pines for her as a mother and Batman as a lover. Ad nauseum. Causing nausea. I like the idea of having ongoing storylines and subplots, but this one is so forced and hokey, it just doesn't work.

Also, Moench tries too hard to create a new Bat-foe, The Black Mask in issues 386-387. He's cover-billed as "Crazier than the Joker, Deadlier than R'as Al Ghul - A Villain for the 80's". By the simple fact your saying to yourself right now "Who?", you may safely assume Black Mask was none of those things. Black Mask was a mysterious man who hid behind a mask as did his thugs and femme fatale, Circe the disfigured super model. When I say mysterious I mean that we are told everything about the Black Mask's secret identity and life story and that Batman also learns it all right away. In other words when I say mysterious new villain, I mean NOT mysterious. Sapping the concept of all intrigue from the start pretty much does Black Mask in. Oh - one more detail - as a youth, one of the defining moments of his life was that - in contrast to a bat through the window, he was bit by a rabid raccoon. I'm not messing with you. He was bit. By a rabid raccoon. Get it - raccoons are animals with masks. Thus he becomes the Black Mask. Only it wasn't a radioactive raccoon, so he gained no meta-human powers. As far as I know Black Mask never appeared again after Moench left the book. I think he lives in suburban Gotham rummaging through garbage cans that homeowners forget to attach securely.

In an actual piece of irony, issue 387 featured a free preview for a new DC series called -- Mask! It was written by former Adventure Comics Spectre scribe Michael Fleisher and drawn by Mike Chen - it was a tie-in for a long forgotten toy line. Mask stood for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. They fought the Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem, or VENOM to their fiends. I believe that the toy line was wiped out one night when the Transformers torched a warehouse containing the product line in Jersey City. I could be wrong about that.

389-390 brings the Nocturna story to the limelight in the backdrop of the red skies of Crisis and with Catwoman fighting for the love of Batman with more absurd symbolism such as the stalagmite that Catwoman brings to the Batcave to show - it is forming in the shape of a cat. Get the symbolism - a cat in the heart of the Batcave! Romantic coincidence or slimy trick by horndog Bruce Wayne trying to get some pu---- no - I just can't do it. I have standards. Anyhow Batman sucks face with Nocturna a lot. Catwoman gets jealous. So does Vicki Vale who is in there apparently to make sure that things weren't just slightly over the top. Then Catwoman gets hit by lightning and seemingly killed - for about 2 panels. Sadly, I kept buying this, because it continued into 1986. If needing to read more about this run doesn't bring you back to The Comic Treadmill tomorrow, nothing will!

Annual 9 was a bright spot in the year. The theme was the "Four Faces of Batman" and it featured four different stories. Batman the Child (i.e., as motivated by the death of his childhood - a good story - a boy's parents are killed in a hold-up and Batman catches the murderers and helps direct the boy to a normal life so he need not be vengeance obsessed); Batman the Avenger; Batman The Detective and Batman the Man. Mike Barr wrote them all. The artists were Jerry Ordway, Alex Nino, Dan Jurgens and Paul Smith. My favorite version was the Detective - a good old-fashioned murder mystery. Least favorite - the Avenger - a mean-spirited extended fight scene.

More Mass

Another easy entry while I try to get the office cleaned up and handle some site maintenance. This time it's a Silver Surfer box booster pack. The Surfer figure is definitely one of the coolest around as you can see from the photo from the Heroclix site. That's my Critical Mass goal: get a Silver Surfer. It's good to have goals. Here's the good news:

A Moloid (V). At 9 points, this is the cheapest veteran figure in the Marvel Universe sets. In fact, only the other Moloids, the rookie Paramedic, and the rookie and experienced Thug figures are less expensive. Put these stealthy babies in hindering terrain next to Moleman or another figure with Mastermind and keep your expensive figure damage free.

Archangel (E). Nothing exciting here, although a ranged attack and Energy Shield/Deflection make a nice combo.

Diablo (E). He's got tons of powers for 96 points: Poison, Force Blast, Flurry, Incapacitate, Smoke Cloud, Willpower, Regeneration, and Outwit. He starts with an 8 movement, 9 attack, a 16 defense, and 3 damage clicks. This should be a fun character to play.

And the last figure is Hepzibah (E). Blades and Super Senses are the highlights of this otherwise unremarkable figure.