And here’s the thing: it was EASY for him. He just scampered on up there with nary a thought. I hardly even saw him doing it. I was almost instantly enthralled, amused, entertained, and delighted by him as soon as he replied to my first message.

In fact, I resisted him even when he had clearly reached the top of the wall and was looking down the other side. Because of distance and logistics, it was a silliness. Instead of having to help him to scale the wall, I found myself being pulled into a free fall down the other side by the momentum while I tried to dig my heels in and stop the inevitable.

I was literally stupid over that boy. Looking back, the intensity of it was like my first love. Ridiculous crazy-making obsessive intensity.

And I can’t put my finger on why that was. He just ‘got me’ almost instantly in a way that is rare and impossible. He made me laugh in his very first emails, he had a wild and active imagination that he shared with abandon, he listened and threw himself into every conversation with the excitement of a small child, he ran at me shyly and relentlessly. Then he bloomed for me in front of my eyes, and it was completely intoxicating.

The boy before him was the same in that he sparked with me early. I just knew in the first message from him that he had ‘something’, I was itching to reply. I felt ‘it’. And in fact after we split up, he was back on the BDSM dating site with a different nick and he sent me a courtesy note to let me know he was around. But he left off identifying himself until the last sentence. And by the time I GOT to the last sentence of his witty and fun email, I felt it, I knew this one was special, I was quietly excited. And then he was all ‘Hey, it’s me, just letting you know’. Arrggghh!! *laugh* Brat.

I didn’t write this for nostalgia. I wrote this because I am talking to a lovely man and I want to help him scale the wall. He seems like all the good things. I want to say “That handhold, that crevice…”

But I’m not quite sure whether having to give someone guidance in how to interact with me means that it’s already a lost cause.

I think about women who put very specific instructions for how they are to be contacted in their online profiles. It seems to me that all they are doing is allowing men who are completely unsuitable to slip over the wall because they have a formula that will get them there.

If you tell someone how to interact with you, they will probably try to do it. But that’s not who they are. They are someone else entirely and that will come out eventually. All you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

So I’m vaguely telling this man who is all the good things what sort of interactions I enjoy, just in case he’s shy or nervous or holding back or some other thing. Trying to point out some footholds. There you go, try that. The top isn’t that far, but you’ll never get there with your feet planted on the ground like that.

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19 Comments

I must say that the way you describe falling for someone is rather glorious. I know that feeling of free fall down the other side quite well and it’s both scary and exhilarating.

I can’t say for sure if having to guide someone is a bad thing. I know in my own case I am so terrified when I approach someone new that I feel lost without a blueprint or some guidance at the start (although I can open up rather quickly after that).

*smile* ‘Glorious’ is about right, and I shouldn’t expect that every time, and I don’t, I don’t think so anyway.

I think there is a line between letting someone know my preferences and telling them how to relate to me, and I’m not QUITE sure where that line is.

I can nudge someone in a particular direction (which is what I’ve done here), but I *can’t* tell someone how to communicate or interact with me.

That natural back-and-forth HAS to be largely effortless or it just becomes a huge chore for one or both of us. For example, if he was to say to me ‘I enjoy it when a woman sends me random texts all day :)’ I’d be responding with ‘Well, okay, but that’s not me… soooo…’ rather than hopping to it because I’d resent having to think about that sort of thing if I’m not interested.

I AM trying to be patient and give the lovely one enough information to pick it up and run with it if he feels so inclined.

“For example, if he was to say to me ‘I enjoy it when a woman sends me random texts all day :)’ I’d be responding with ‘Well, okay, but that’s not me… soooo…’ rather than hopping to it because I’d resent having to think about that sort of thing if I’m not interested.”

is exactly the kind of conversation I want to have with someone I might be in a relationship with. If I tell them upfront “This is how I relate,” and they say “oh, that doesn’t work for me” we’ve just saved ourselves a butt load of time and energy. If they tell me upfront “This is how I relate” and I say ‘that’s not me,” again, we’ve saved ourselves a butt load of time and energy. We can go our separate ways, no harm, no foul.

On the other hand, if I say “this is how I relate,” and they say, “Really? I love that, but I usually only do it with someone I’m really comfortable with.” I know that even though they aren’t relating the way I prefer right now, they will if they have a chance to get comfortable with me, so this one might be sticking out for a bit and see what happens. Or maybe they had been not interacting the way they usually do, for fear of making a bad impression, and my saying “hey, this is how I work,’ has them going “Really? You like that? that’s me too!”

Of course, this means that anyone I date/dominate needs to be self aware enough to know what they prefer and honest enough to tell me if there isn’t a match. But (poly and mentally ill and kinky) anyone who isn’t at least that self aware and honest is going to be a horrid match for me anyway.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone how you best react to conversation and/or physical interactions and, in actuality, this can be done is so many subtle ways that he won’t feel like he’s already being lectured. That said, there is a difference in letting him know what you prefer in the non sexual arena versus what you will require when in the sexual arena and you have to allow him to take bits and pieces of that and use it within the natural human he is.

I say that because about 19 years ago Axel and I had a conversation in my car on the top level of a parking garage (AUS translation: Car Park) where I verbally gave him a list of things and ways I preferred to be communicated with “in case we were to go forward”. I will never forget him looking at me and saying, “Are you done? All of that is good to know and I will take your suggestions, but just know I have my own way of listening and communicating too and you might not always get the response you are expecting just based on how you laid it out but, you go 50/50 with me and, if we go forward, I fucking guarantee we will figure this out”. I think I fell in love with him slightly more that day and, most importantly, 19 years later, we still plan to figure it out because he still has the most creative way of listening to what I say and translating it back and, he was right, about fifty percent of the time he’s right.

Finally, as I am one of the few very very special ones who, through the magic of airplanes, has actually sat down and talked with you face to face so I can promise you that you do not lack the ability to give “tips and tricks” as to what you prefer even without speaking and anyone who is going to match you for a long term needs to be able to pick those things up (IN TIME) his own way because that is what will shape the muggle side of your relationship.

I often wonder if I expect too much, but every time I’ve talked myself into something that didn’t feel quite right, it didn’t work anyway (thinking bambi and e here where I ignored what my gut was telling me).

I actually DID tell bambi how to relate to me at one point. In hindsight it was a huge red flag. We just… didn’t work.

This is such early days and the issue is that I’m already finding emails a bit of a chore *even though this man is lovely*. And that’s an issue. I’d really like to get it to a meeting to see how it goes in person, but logistics means I’m not sure how soon that will be. I have to manufacture my own interest at the moment. It’s not sustainable. So I want him to ‘bring it’. I’m genuinely trying to give him time and space to relax to see if he can.

And yes *smile*, going forward, I have no problem guiding and navigating the relationship proper, but the fundamentals have to be there FIRST. I have to be excited by what he’s bringing to the table, and at the moment, what he’s bringing me is facts. And that’s not how you engage me, or grab my attention, even if the facts are very nice.

The times that it’s worked out with a potential, I’ve felt that engagement, that ‘it’, VERY early on.

I think that there’s definitely room for both types of communication. I know that’s what I’m saying is about as middle of the pack as you can get, but sometimes everything doesn’t have to be just “only this way” or “only that way”, it can be both ways.

A little bit of help goes a long ways, is what I mean… When Eiren and I were dating, I feel like she helped me a lot… more than I might know, to be honest. That isn’t to say that she helped me completely, not by a longshot; by her own words I was irresistibly charming to her once we actually started talking instead of hating each other… but I wouldn’t have ever gotten to that point without her help.

I wouldn’t have known how exactly to speak to her without the little tips and hints she was giving along the way, and the breadcrumbs that she dropped helped me find clues that she had no idea she was leaving. In our case, it worked both ways. She’d give me hints, and those hints would lead me down a path that she had no clue I’d be following… and I’d it was like I’d found treasure every time I used my knowledge to surprise her with something new, something that wasn’t quite so obvious even to her, that just made her fall.

If you weren’t irresistibly charming to her it’s not like she could have said to you “be irresistibly charming, mkay?” and somehow have that work. Because how do you fulfil that (ridiculous) kind of request? You can’t.

Either ‘how you are’ works for that person, or it doesn’t.

I think I probably DO expect to see it too early, and I’m giving all the leeway, but the truth is that I’m the brick wall and I need him to bring a sledge hammer. It’s no small thing.

When going on an expedition, whether to Mt. Everest or Mt. Fern, the intelligent journeyer obtains as much information as possible about where he’s going, what he is going to encounter, what’s the most accessible path, before he sets out. Sure, it’s a praiseworthy and remarkable talent to be able to “wing it” and not worry about seeing the “handholds” until you’re right there. But the intelligent journeyer finds out as much as he can in advance. Someone can’t court you, can’t have even an idea if they can or should court you, if they literally have no idea who and what you are, if they are deliberately deprived of any foreknowledge of your “handholds.” That then means it is only blind luck if they happen to find them (i.e. be compatible with, and attractive to, you) after numerous e-mail/telephone conversations, and blind luck doesn’t seem to be a recipe for success in most human endeavors most of the time. You’ve said in your posts, many times, how much you value and expect full communication from your men. Shouldn’t they get the same? Meanwhile, if your initial premise is “if he’s not truly, completely, at first contact, exactly what I want then no sense continuing further” then alas there’s nothing any hopeful male can do except by blind luck happen to be that guy; which means our Fern is going to have to kiss a LOT of frogs before she finds a prince. But, please entertain the idea that while we’re not going to be someone we’re completely not, any submissive man granted the opportunity to serve a woman who knows who she is (and who we are) gladly and easily changes and adapts and does what is useful and pleasing to and for her. It isn’t deception, it isn’t play-acting, it’s fulfilling our calling – in our lifestyle and muggle (love that!) relationship with her.

Imagine you’re at a party and you speak to two people who you don’t know.

With one, you have this fun, engaging conversation about ‘I don’t even know what!’ and it segues from one topic to another, and oh hell I never thought of that, and ha ha that was so funny, and what do you think about this idea, and how did you learn about that other thing, and well, you’re super cute and let’s sit over here and whisper to each other and… wow!

With another, they seem nice. They like golf, do you like golf? Also steak. Steak is nice. Did you try the cheese? It’s good. Geez it’s been cold lately. Yes, it has. And rainy. Mmhmmm… *wanders off*.

If you tell someone how to interact with you, they will probably try to do it. But that’s not who they are. They are someone else entirely and that will come out eventually. All you’re doing is delaying the inevitable.

Exactly! It’s just a waste of everyone’s time to help someone fake being compatible with you when they’re not. I hate being called Mistress but I’m never going to spell that out on my profile because it’s really the mindset behind calling strange women Mistress that I have a problem with, and no amount of telling people to just call me Stabbity is going to make me compatible with someone who thinks it’s not weird to call a stranger by a title she hasn’t agreed to.

Plus I’m just so bored with the idea that we all somehow owe submissive men a chance to fake like they’re compatible. Having to keep up that fiction for (potentially) years would be terrible, wouldn’t you rather be with someone who actually likes you the way you are?