Braving the Grocery Store Before Christmas

Posted about 4 years ago|Comments Off on Braving the Grocery Store Before Christmas

If you’re smarter than me and staying inside before Christmas, please enjoy this awkward, yet royalty-free image of Santa.

Is everything around the Split level mass chaos? Yes. Thank you for asking.

With one present left to buy, the van breaking down, and not a shower to be seen for me in the last couple days, things are, um, going. Not to worry, I found a few minutes to pen some tips for grocery store survival in the next couple days.

Not that any of you would head out to the store this late. I know I didn’t, wouldn’t, *coughs guiltily*, did and barely made it out alive.

Top Ten Tips For Navigating the Grocery Store Before Christmas

1. Don’t buy milk. Consider investing in a cow after the holidays so you never have to think about going to the store for milk during the holidays ever again.

2. If there’s one bag of marshmallows left, let the lady in the power scooter have it. Otherwise, there’s a very real chance she’ll whack you with her cane and use the tiny wire basket to haul your body to the front so she can use your coupons.

4. Pumpernickel can be used for a delicious bread bowl for dill dip, or as a shield against bag boys who’ve lost their faith in humanity, and are now careening down the aisles, drinking stolen Snapples and swinging tubes of tin foil.

5. When all else fails, climb the nearest pile of creamed corn and find due north.