Lead Balloon

Everyone knows that
PMBMY is the magazine that real boaters read. But as the numbers
of boats have grown, we’ve seen many new, inexperienced, and in some
cases downright stupid boaters decide, in their ignorance, to subscribe
to the other boating magazines, probably because they get a free duffel
bag. Well, we’ve had enough! We’re no longer going to ignore
those readers. We’re going to win them over, not with free junk but
with focused editorial—and not in this magazine but in that refuge
of so many dumbos and dilettantes: the Internet.

PMBMY is launching
a series of Web sites aimed at these readers. While they certainly won’t
appeal to you, our core reader, they will perfectly target boaters you
may recognize. See if anyone sounds familiar.

www.tiedtothedock.com:
appeals to those who have invested considerable money in a boat that never
leaves the dock—in other words, a cocktail barge. Topics covered
here include “Winterization: How to Unplug Your Shorepower Cord,”
“How to Remove Cobwebs From Your Turbocharger,” “Five Cocktails
From Isaac That Will Turn Your Convertible Into the Love Boat,” and
“What to Do When You Can’t Remember How to Untie Your Dock Lines.”

www.whatnowakesign.com:
For boaters who do leave the dock and intentionally or more likely unintentionally
ignore speed-related marine signage, we offer “Successfully Swamping
a Sailboat—How to Make a Blowboater Really Mad,” “Slow
Down to Produce a Bigger Wake,” “Make Your Mark—Create
Some Beach Erosion,” and “How to Tell if That Thump Was a Manatee.”

www.bigtalker.com:
is useful to boaters who want everyone to think they’re hardcore
anglers but can’t stand the thought of fishing. The site features
“Using Slime to Make Your Boat Look Salty,” “How to Play
Home Videos on Your Fishfinder,” “Keeping TV Dinners in Your
Bait Freezer,” and “10 Uses For Captains Besides Driving Your
Boat.”

www.endlessmaintenance.com:
We all know people who seem to always work on their boat but never actually
use it. They’ll appreciate the topics covered on this site, including
“Shelf Paper Can Brighten Your Teak,” “Using Jack Stands
Instead of Blocks to Make Your Boat Look Sharp,” “Looking Good—Color-Match
Your Respirator and Coveralls,” and “Removing Toxic Bottom Paint:
Your Kids Can Do It!”

www.cheapboater.com:
While sailing pretty much has a lock on parsimonious mariners, there are
powerboaters who have made a career of spending the absolute minimal amount
of money afloat. For them we offer “Tools—When Borrowing Means
Forever,” “Discover the Hidden Treasures in Your Neighbor’s
Dockbox,” “The Best Times to Show Up for Free Drinks,”
“Arrive Late and Leave Early: How to Avoid Slip Fees,” and “Boating
Magazines—Why Subscribe When You Can Bum Old Issues?”

www.bratsaboard.com:
We all know boaters with children we’d rather not see on our boats.
Direct them here, where they can benefit from “Six Knots Adolescents
Can’t Get Out of,” “Fun Games Kids Can Play in the Engine
Room While Underway,” “Do Screaming Kids Raise Fish?” and
“Trolling With Teens.”

www.heavyboater.com:
Aimed at the huskier navigator, this Web site offers “Atkins Aboard,”
“Deboarding so You Don’t Capsize the Boat,” and “Finally!
Why Your Boat Is Slower Than Everyone Else’s.”

As boating changes from
an activity enjoyed by a relatively few number of serious-minded, educated,
and experienced enthusiasts into one in which masses of ill-bred, uninformed
nouveau riche ignoramuses take to the water, we here at PMBMY are
prepared to fight for these new readers—at least those who can read.