The Nitpicker Is Sick of Ramps, Morels, Fiddleheads, and Other Limited-Time-Only Vegetables

Welcome to The Nitpicker.
Jason Kessler loves to complain almost as much as he loves to eat. Join him on his journey through the imperfect universe of food.

(Illustration: Melissa Finkelstein)

Ramps. Fiddleheads. Morels. What dothese things have in common? They’re the vegetable equivalents of theMcRib: limited-time-only, get-them-while-you-can, eat-now-or-forever-hold-your-peace foods. They’re fresh andbountiful for about three days and then–poof!–they’re gone. Why do we geek out over these elusivesprites of spring? It’sprobably because we’re stupid. I know I am. I also know I’m tired of getting so excited for no real reason.They taste good, sure, but not better than any other vegetable.Honestly, I’m sick of ramps.

Forthe seven or eight of you who remain unfamiliar with ramps, they’re wild scallions that straddle the flavor boundary ofonions and garlic. Fiddleheads, meanwhile, are young fern fronds that taste a bit like asparagus and look like prehistoricpinwheels. Actually, they look like the head of a fiddle. Hence thename. Morels are porous mushrooms that, from a distance, could beconfused for really old peach pits. They taste like porous mushrooms, which is to say delicious.All three ingredients, in fact, are delicious. If you’d like to try cooking them, you can search Bon Appetit’s recipes here and here. (Apparently, we have no fiddlehead recipes!)

Youmay have started to notice ramps (and morels and fiddleheads)popping up at markets and creeping onto menus in recent weeks. Incertain parts of the country, their season has just begun, which also means that the season’s just about to end. Chefs flock to theseingredients at farmers’ markets, eager to get their cheffy hands on themso they can proudly flaunt their spring bounty on pizzas and insalads and risotto–they alwaysend up in risotto for some reason. You’ll inevitably pay for theprivilege of eating these time-sensitive treats, but you’ll be happyto fork over the extra cash because you’ve been brainwashed intothinking they’re somehow better than your run-of-the-mill scallions and greens and mushrooms.

Thisisn’t a complaint about seasonality. I’m firmly in the camp thatbelieves we should eat food based on when it grows. I get leery ofhigh-end restaurants serving me tomatoes in January and I don’tappreciate chefs trying to foist root vegetables on me in August. Ilike being able to break down my year based on which sports are on TVand what I’m buying at my local farmers’ market. I mean, Ilive in Southern California. I’ll take anything that actually allowsme to pretend we have seasons.

No, this is a complaint about food fetishism. Wefetishize this produce because it’s only available for three days ayear. If ramps were here for three months, they wouldn’t get nearlyas much attention. I suppose it’s a lesson in supply and demand. Wewant what we can’t have, and when we have it, we make a big dealout of it. It’s ludicrous, but it’s human nature. I just don’t wantto hear about it anymore. I’m not saying these veggies are publicenemies, but I certainly don’t believe the hype.

And I get worried about the other springvegetables. You know, the ones that stick around for a while. Theyhave just as much value as these weeds that we’ve deemed so worthy.Think about the peas, people! They’re just as good as fiddleheads andthey’re really starting to feel left out.

Based in Los Angeles, Jason Kessler has written for television shows such as NBC’s The Office, True Jackson, VP on Nickelodeon, and The MTV Movie Awards. Photo by Matt Armendariz.