Justin Bieber: Always Say Sometimes

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Welcome back to the SparkNotes Movie Club. This month (or last month, technically), we picked the classic film Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, and then everyone screamed and shouted and passed out with excitement! Or not. It seems most SparkNotes readers have pretty good taste in music, so this Movie Club meeting was a lot of fun in a mean, sarcastic kind of way.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the Facebook live-blog. Who knew that mocking a teen pop star could be as enjoyable as bashing Twilight? Favorite comment of the night: “I hate him.” Well put, Sparkler who said that. Well put.

Now on to the discussion questions. My answers appear below each question and you’re invited to answer the questions yourself in the comments section.

1. What the hell is this crap?
I was not a fan of this movie. I’m not sure if it’s because I think Justin Bieber is an average kid who has all the musical talent of a leaf blower, or if the movie was just bad. Maybe a little bit of both. The movie treated Bieber like deceased member of The Beatles. The interviews with his soccer coach, relatives, and mangers sounded as if the kid just died in a tragic plane crash.

I didn’t take detailed notes during the movie, but here is a paraphrased quote from the film.

SOCCER COACH: He was such a brave young man. He was always so helpful and strong. He never asked for much. And when his plane crashed and he died…sorry, I can’t go on with this interview. [Breaks down crying.]

Come on! Why are you treating this kid like a firefighter who invented the cure for cancer and war? Stop it! There is no need to speak about the boy with such gravitas and respect. Save that for people who deserve it. Remember: Bieber is the Twilight of music.

2. Why is Justin Bieber popular?
I don’t have an answer. Let’s chalk this up to “leprechaun wishes” and move on with our lives.

3. Did the movie help you appreciate Bieber’s life and career?
No. In fact, it made me lose respect for him. He never had to struggle. He got lucky. He didn’t overcome an obstacle. He didn't work his way to stardom. He was spotted on YouTube and then molded by a corporate record company into the next best Aaron Carter. Yes, he sang at his church once or twice. Does that count as struggling? I’m sure all the struggling artists begging for money on the subway can really relate, and consider Bieber to be their peer and contemporary.

4. Gosh, Dan. You sound angry. Why are you upset?
I thought the movie would help explain the Bieber phenomena, but instead I heard his soccer coach say, “He was really into music.” Wow. That explains it! I don’t understand Bieber or the people who admire him. He is as bland as a cup of bathwater. Come to the mall with me and I’ll point out 200 teens that are more interesting and talented than this singing puppy. And then I’ll buy us all rainbow sherbet in the food court!

5. What was the best part of the movie?
Witnessing the Bieber zealots screaming and shaking in his presence is the only reason to watch this movie. It will be especially fun to watch this in about three years after the fans in the movie realize he’s a hack and regret their actions. I also laughed so hard that my ribs broke when he sang that song while suspended above the audience inside a metal heart.

6. Have you ever screamed and fawned over a celebrity?
No, but I haven’t met Batman yet. I’ll keep you posted.

7. Why is it OK for young women to hoot, holler, and slobber over a singing little boy in red pants, but when a guy says, “Megan Fox has a bangin’ body,” that guy is thought of as a sexist pig?
This came up during the live-blog. It’s a double-standard. The guy who admires Ms. Fox’s curves is no less piggish than the girl who worships cutie-pie pop stars with annoying hair. Calling these women pigs doesn’t seem right, so a new word must be created. I offer the following suggestions:

Oinks
Sexist Sows
Cosmic Losers
Moldy Muffins
Crazy Cats
Pathetic

8. What is the best Justin Bieber song?
After watching the movie, I think “One Less Lonely Girl” is my favorite, because depending on how you interpret the lyrics, he could be singing about killing the girl, and thus there would be one less lonely girl. Dark, right?

9. Where will Justin Bieber be in ten years?
Justin Timberlake is one of the few (only?) teen pop stars who escaped his goofy past to become a successful adult actor/entertainer. But Timberlake is charismatic and funny. Even during his teen pop days, you could tell he had the potential to keep his career going. But Bieber is no Timberlake. When Bieber talks in interviews, there is very little charm and wit. Instead he sounds like a bratty little brother who’d rather be playing Xbox. In ten years, Bieber will either be making horrible Christian rock albums for the middle-aged women of the world, or he’ll be working with Joe Jonas, the other Jonases, Aaron Carter, Jaden Smith, Ke$ha, and Rebecca Black on a new reality show called “Celebrity Ice Road Truckers.”

10. Scarier fans: Twilight or Bieber?
As much as I dislike Bieber, the Twilight crowd is worse, if only because they are older (sometimes much older) and they should know better by now.

That’s it for the belated August Movie Club. What should we watch for September? After suffering through AVPM, Twilight, and Bieber, maybe we could watch something that's actually good and interesting. And to all the AVPM enthusiasts out there, I have not changed my mind, and randomly quoting the show will do nothing for your cause.