Conversations About Intimacy

To talk about sex you have to be able to find the right words, have
courage to say these words aloud and have a trusting relationship with
your partner. If one of these components drops out – your intimate
talk can turn vulgar.

To organize this significant dialogue is not easy but it can be
done. It is important to be delicate with your partner and follow psychologists’
advice.

It is not right to discuss important intimate questions during intimacy
or right before it, when your mind is in a haze. You have to do this sitting
on a sofa, hugging, lying in a bed, or just taking a walk. And you have
to have some rules. Here we give some examples of right (+)
and wrong (-) behavior.

Speak about yourself. Don’t discuss the other
person’s characteristics. Use the pronoun “I” more
often than “you”, because otherwise your speech will have
an accusing and pretentious character.- “You never do this to me…”+ “I want you to do this to me…”

Speak about your feelings, so that your partner
knows that you don’t just care about sex, but you also care about
him, yourself and your relationship. You love him, that’s why
it is important to have a healthy sexual relationship.- “I can’t have an orgasm.
It’s all useless!”+ “I always worry when you’re
trying so hard and I can’t reach an orgasm.”

Say everything in a positive way. Talking negatively
about your wishes can make your partner feel bad, provoke a conflict
and put your wish farther away.- “You used to touch my breast a
lot. But now you’ve lost an interest to it.”+ “I like it so much when you stroke
my breast. Please do it more often.”

Be exact, so that your partner knows exactly what
you want from him. He may be too shy to ask about details and instead
does everything in his own way, which will keep you disappointed.- “I wish you would stroke me there…”+ “I wish you would stroke my clitoris.”

Your offers should be constructive. If you only
talk about sex generally, your partner will think you are just saying
some sexual thoughts aloud, not giving him instructions on his actions.- “If foreplay is full, then an orgasm
can be big, but if foreplay is cut short then you don’t get any
pleasure.”+ “Honey, let’s make foreplay
longer…”

Be open to alternatives. If your partner is against
your idea but he offers something instead, don’t give a negative
answer.- “I knew you wouldn’t like
it! It wasn’t worth talking about.”+ “Let’s try your idea and
mine and see which is better.”

Don’t try to solve the problem in the moment.
If you see that a quarrel is about to happen, stop talking for a minute
and wait until he calms down. Think the problem over, find the right
tone of voice and start discussing again.- “If you behave like this I won’t
sleep with you anymore!”+ “Let’s be friends. We love
each other and we’ll be able to find a compromise.”

Look at the situation from his point of view. Maybe
because of his age or state of health he is not able to do what you
want him to do. Maybe he feels shy or is afraid of unpleasant feelings. - “Millions of men use condoms,
nobody’s died from one!”+ “Maybe you’re right that
you can’t feel as much with a condom because of the latex, but
we can make love last longer. What do we have to loose? Let’s
try it some time.”

Be grateful to your partner for this talk. Even
if you were not able to come to an agreement, be thankful for his honesty,
openness and courage. It is impossible to completely avoid disagreements,
but it is very good that you can discuss these topics.