the purging of an unstraight but Mormon mind on politics, polyamory, prostitution, lesbianism, bisexuality, dreams. some bad free verse thrown in for good measure.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011

In examining my
love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism. How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert
Hannibal so much?

In an earlier
entry, I declared that I wasn’t a lesbian because I was in love with a man. But I don’t know if that’s really true. Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find
women very attractive. And I still don’t
find men attractive. Except for Robert
Hannibal.

However, if I
had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t
consider myself a lesbian. I would
rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and
even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy,
when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal?

But I didn’t
meet him then.

Now, at a very young
age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it
was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you. But also at a very young age, I had legitimate
crushes on teenage girls. They were so
beautiful to me.

In purely
aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to
women. The ideal female body, an
hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered
and angular, can’t really compare. Who
wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?

And even so,
most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit. I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of
the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but
it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

But what really
attracts me in others is the face. I
love faces. Simply put: the average
female face is always better-looking than the average male face. In a heterosexual couple, the female is
nearly always better-looking than the male.

(I say “nearly”
because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I'm not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can't think of men as manly if they're blonde. He has always been better-looking than his female
partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina
Jolie. Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to
be better-looking than him. She is the
perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this
planet).

Suffice it to
say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in
the first place, in body or face. But it
is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to
women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale. It is quite another to be on the negative
side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side.

This is because
men are disgusting. It’s not their
fault. The hormones and chemicals that form
the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good. Men give off disgusting odors all the time,
especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do
not. And men grunt, especially during
exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.
Quite unattractive.

On the whole, I
do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a
fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear
perfume myself). But cologne, on the
other hand, always smells horrible. I
have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh
air. Men just need to stay extra-clean
and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with
cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse.

In terms of
sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting. I hate the names for it, I hate the way it
looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate
having it inside me. But I would rather
have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is
not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or
blow-jobs. Why would I want to touch
something so ugly, especially with my mouth?

One of the
ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my
elementary school had brought to school.
It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose
lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ. It was so repulsive. I could not understand why women would do
that, except for money.

Yes, even in
elementary school I could understand prostitution.

I contrast this
experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary
school. Our babysitter’s dad had
“Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was
at their house.

But it wasn’t
just naked women I loved looking at. Any
pictures of beautiful women. I loved
reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most
beautiful women on TV. Although I was
only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and
the metro newspaper faithfully. Partly I
loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections. And I really loved reading about actresses
and seeing their pictures.

Although my
appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a
man-hater at such a young age. I even
told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and
I chose the best-looking one for myself.
But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all.

As I grew older,
I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought
it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl,
could not. I really started resenting
guys. I almost hated them. And I hated that I had to pretend to have
crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal.

Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are? Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were.

Then gradually I
started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for
being so inferior to women in looks and complexity. When I worked my hostess dancing job my last
semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but
also heightened pity towards them.

I began to think
that if a man ever got me to orgasm, and if I could have a real sexual dream
about a man (not like my Marilyn Monroe threesome dream I had as a young teen where the man
disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore. Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual
attraction towards men. But these
scenarios have not happened.

As a Mormon who
overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to
tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage). I didn’t
think it would be too hard. Although I still
think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate
men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my
girl friends like. Most of all, conversation
is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and
being around them. That is pretty much
how I’ve felt ever since.

Until I met Robert
Hannibal.

When I first saw
him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive. I consider people attractive if I want to
kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before. But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt
attraction for him immediately and immensely.
And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because
it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized. I had finally had good sex with a man. I finally made love to a man.

He hasn’t made
me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him. But I love him so much that I don’t need
those things.

So what is it
about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve
met?

First, it’s his
looks. I always felt the first man I would be attracted to
would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or
some mixture of those. Some race that
wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head,
but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used
to actually be quite afraid of it.

Robert Hannibal
is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him. I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric.

His skin is beautiful
and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some
curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting
like most men’s. Also, he doesn’t have
hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I
haven’t touched it and won’t).

His face is
really so handsome, and cute and endearing. His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind. He has a face I love looking at. He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial
hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves
it. Ironically, although I don’t like
baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look
like he has a high forehead. Yet on him,
it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse
at the same time.

Robert Hannibal's smile is so
cute. His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile. It’s not a broad smile or a smile
that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him
with his cute underbite. Whether his
teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.
He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his
skin is so smooth, it’s flawless.

I always thought
I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but
Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their
beauty. But because his eyes are part of
him, they are so beautiful.

He’s not really
tall, maybe 5’9" or 5'10", and again, I always thought the first man I liked would
be tall. His shoulders are rounded and
his upper arms are short, like mine. He
has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s,
where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks
like an Islander.

Everything about
him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him. I remember the second night I saw him at
Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having
sex with him. It hurt me too much to
look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet. They’re beautiful. When he orgasmed, I remember his feet
shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms. When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing
to have him inside me. I am so in love
with him.

We have undeniable
sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry. We can talk about anything. He is so intelligent. And he’s not pretentious at all. He went to [Ivy League school] and now works
in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it. He doesn’t treat anyone rudely. He always makes sure to tip “Bartender”
(though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and
she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits).

Conversation
with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant. He uses graceful language, not in a
condescending manner, but just in a natural manner. He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his
beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth.

And he’s such a
gentleman. The second night I met him (third
time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work
at Onie’s, he made sure to walk on the outside,
closest to the street. He told me his
mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his
side. Most times when I’m walking with
him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again
his mother teaching him that. I love
that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her. I love that he’s a gentleman.

When
we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s
always very respectful of others as well as of me. It’s such a contrast to other men I see on
the subway who are not gentlemen at all.

This
afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I
had to hold on to the railing above my head.
I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied
men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could
sit. I looked down the subway car and
saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I
prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted
me to marry).

[My
condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head
at him. He’s not a gentleman. Robert Hannibal is. Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.

Not
only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor
while at the same time being a strong, manly man. I don’t know how he can be both, but he
is. He is most definitely a MAN. But he’s so kind too.

The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character. But kindness must be integral to him as well. Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am).

And
I love his humor. He’s not a clown but he
has a nice, easy-going humor. He’s so
intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly
with each other. We really have such
good conversations with each other. We
talk religion, politics, sexuality.
Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people
steer away from such charged subjects.

Yet
Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations. I always have such enjoyable conversations
with him. I love talking with him. His voice itself is just the right
timbre. Most men’s voices are
annoying. They speak either too high or
too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.
But not Robert Hannibal. His
voice is just the right tone, the right color.
I love listening to him.

I
love hugging him. I love sitting on his
lap. I love kissing him. I love making love to him and having him make
love to me. I love being with him. And he’s a man. And I would rather be with him than with
anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman.

So
am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man? In my first grad school program, I tried to
write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other
women. It’s not about being lesbian,
it’s about wanting beauty. And women are
beautiful.

I
wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized
to find men attractive, because men can provide for us. This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I
felt alone and different. But as I aged
and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to
wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the
socialization to find men attractive. That’s
when I wrote “Jack, Jane and Jill.”

Maybe
if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys
attractive? Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to
compare boys and girls? Women are the
fairer sex, so is it even right to compare?

Perhaps
I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my
current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one.

At
any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the
only. I guess the possibility was always
there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me.

Part
of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to. That’s a lot of responsibility to give to
someone. Especially someone who’s
already married.