chronicles of a crunchy hippie

Reasons Why Macarons Are Actually the Worst (Updated)

This post was originally published sometime around 11:00 PM central time on Tuesday night. I really wanted to write something. Due to some combination of being up past my bedtime and technology, only half of the post actually ended up on the internet. This is the revised version.

Hello humans of the internet! I would like to give you a real, legitimate reason as to why I have not written a blog post in a hot damn minute, but in actuality, it’s just because I am an imperfect person and though I always say I want to write more, I let stuff get in the way.

So life update. If you didn’t know, I am a middle school teacher in the State of Oklahoma.

“Wait, 49th in education and teacher pay Oklahoma?”

Yes, friend, that Oklahoma. And if you haven’t turned on the television or computer in a while, things are a bit… insane right now in the state. It has been insane because my district was the one to spearhead it. The last week in March, legislation did pass that made an a raise of about $6,000 a year average passed, there was insufficient funding providing still to fund public education in the state as well as a huge gap in where that money was going to actually come from because upon passing the package of bills, the lodging tax was repealed.

It has been a lot. And I bet you have opinions. I have opinions. I have held signs in my home town, I have held signs outside of the capital, and I have emailed, emailed, emailed. So, I respect your opinion, but let’s please not open the dialogue about it here.

This post has a different purpose. Things have been reeeeeaaaaaalllly heavy for me lately for that reason and personal ones, so I need to write something fluffy and funny. Is that okay? Good.

The topic: macarons.

Look at those little things. They are so dang pretty. Seriously, that is a pretty cookie.

But they actually kind of suck.

Yeah, you heard me right.

While I was taking a rest at the capitol the other day, I was trying to distract myself from the the intense anxiety of having thousands of people around me. I thought about these little cookies. I started making a list in my head, as I often do.

Macarons, not to be confused with macaroons, which are different, (I had to look this up because I am uncultured swine), are French cookies that consist of whipped egg whites, almond flour, and snobbery. I’d bet the Kardashians serve these at all their parties and special occasions. I don’t keep up with the Kardashians, so I can only assume. They are very instagrammable. No offense to the Kardashians, I can appreciate a good lady boss when I see one. The point I’m trying to make here is that macarons are not the every man’s cookie.

I now present to you, 5 reasons why macarons are actually the worst.

Macarons are usually hella expensive
There might be a place to get reasonably priced macarons. I don’t know where that would be; I’m only going off personal experience here. In my own personal experience, macarons are not cheap. The last time I saw them was in a candy store and they were charging $4.00 a piece. That is $4.00. For. Each. Cookie. That is more than 30 minutes of work if you are at minimum wage for one stinking cookie. I can get 40 Oreos for that at any grocery store. After all, isn’t that what macarons are? Glorified sandwich cookies?

Macarons are extremely difficult to make.
You, an intellectual, might think you will just cheat the system and still get that trendy, bougie look of having macaroons without having to trade your first born over to get them. Put down the spatula and step away from the almond flour; it will only end in disaster. Macarons are notoriously difficult to make. You have to make a meringue, ever so gently fold in the almond flour (I’ll get to that in a minute), let them sit until they develop a nasty little skin on top, gross, and then hope, pray, and perform a sacrifice while they are actually in the oven. You have to either make a buttercream or use jelly (more on that later) for a filling. This is not a quick recipe. This is not a recipe for a novice. I feel like I am a semi-decent cook and I could not make them. That one really talented kid on Food Network’s Kids’ Baking Championship could not make them right the first time. Macarons are kitchen disasters waiting to happen.

Almond “Flour”
In these modern times where it is fashionable to be gluten free or refuse to eat carbs, you can find almond flour in most grocery stores. Not too long ago when people didn’t know what a gluten allergy was unless they actually had one it was not so easy to find. Also, almond flour is weird. Almonds are delicious. Someone took some perfectly good almonds and ground them up. And they don’t really resemble flour. Ground almonds aren’t flour. Let’s call it what it really is: almond meal. Almond meal is very expensive. There is a reason that your almond butter is more expensive than your peanut butter. Almonds are not a cheap nut.

You filled that cookie with what?
I appreciate a good sandwich cookie. I love Oreos and ice cream sandwiches made with chocolate chip cookies. Macarons are basically sandwich cookies. When you make a macaron, it has to have a filling. One option is buttercream. Another, apparently, acceptable option is jelly. There are some pretty good cookies that are filled with jelly. But these are little cookie sandwiches. Have you ever ate a hamburger that all the fillings perfectly stayed in when you bit into it? Is jelly sticky? Do you see where I am going with this? You are almost completely guaranteed to have jelly, that does not set like buttercream, getting on your hands and maybe even your clothes. Also, remember that you are likely to be eating these refined cookies in a refined setting. Enjoy sticky fingers at that high class party.

Weird flavors galore.
Chocolate and strawberry are flavors. Vanilla and pistachio are flavors. Coffee and peanut butter are flavors. Rose and lavender are scents. Some forward thinking chef down the line got confused and tried the latter as flavors. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a rose or lavender flavored anything. I tried a lavender flavored iced latte one time out of curiosity. I don’t really know how to explain it. It is sort of like trying to describe a color or the taste of water. Drinking that lavender latte was like drinking coffee while sticking my nose into a bunch of lavender. It was like smelling lavender while tasting coffee. I know the two senses are intertwined, but it was weird. Basically, do not confuse colors and scents. Also, do not get me started on savory flavors like basil and rosemary in desserts. Take that crap somewhere else. I don’t care what refined pallet-ed judges on Food Network say. When I bite into a dessert, it is supposed to be sweet.

What do you think? Do you agree that macarons are really overrated? Did I miss something important on the list? Am I being too judgmental of a simple cookie? They can’t help it because they’re from French cooking which is notoriously difficult anyway? What should I rant about or listicle next? Let me know in the comments.