World renowned fashion designer and filmmaker, Tom Ford, recently issued these five mandates for those who want to live like modern gentlemen. While we do respect Mr. Ford’s opinions and his desire to make the rest of us bourgeois, we find his rules to be a little unrealistic. So, in typical Holy Taco fashion, we will now review and adjust them to better suit our readers.

1. Tom Ford says: “You should put on the best version of yourself when you go out in the world because that is a show of respect to the other people around you.”

Holy Taco says: “You should put on your cleanest tank top, and be sober when you go out in the world because that is how you show your ex-girlfriend that you don’t need her anymore.”

Presenting yourself well is an important part of being a gentleman. Wearing a clean “wife-beater” is what we’d call dressing to impress. Keeping your alcoholism at home, where it belongs, speaks volumes about your level of maturity.

2. Tom Ford says: “A gentleman today has to work. People who do not work are so boring and are usually bored. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world.”

Holy Taco says: “A gentleman today should always tell people he’s looking for work. People who do not work, and do not appear to be looking for work do not get girls to go home with them. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world. And just because you don’t get paid to do those things, doesn’t mean you’re a loser.”

If you have a good job, you probably hate it, which makes you boring. A Holy Taco gentleman doesn’t spend time with things he’s not passionate about. He devotes himself to profitless endeavors, and does whatever it takes to make his dreams come true. And he does all this from the comfort of his mother’s basement.

3. Tom Ford says: “Manners are very important and actually knowing when things are appropriate. I always open doors for women, I carry their coat, I make sure that they’re walking on the inside of the street. Stand up when people arrive at and leave the dinner table.”

Holy Taco says: “Manners are sort of important and it’s good to know when things are inappropriate so you can say them louder. We always open doors for women, we carry their coats, and we make sure they’re walking on the inside of the street. Even if we’re the ones paying for their services.”

Being a classy gent means acting the part, even when you think nobody is watching. If you order a beer at a restaurant, ask for a glass. And don’t smoke in public bathrooms. It makes you appear uncouth.

4. Tom Ford says: “Don’t be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background.”

Holy Taco says: “Don’t be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background. Unless you’re ABSOLUTELY SURE they fit a stereotype.”

5. Tom Ford says: “A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.”

Holy Taco says: “A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on poorly planned spring break trips.”

Nobody likes to see man legs or man toes. Bottom line.

Enjoy these tips, treat them as gospel. Make a great impression on those around you and keep your confidence high. You’re a Holy Taco reader and when you walk in to a room, people notice. Own it.