Wednesday, December 27, 2006

It is 4pm on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. I am still in my pajamas, which means that I am stinking up the house. I insisted on staying home today because I have not slept in my house for 5 straight nights. You know how it is with Lagos trips. You cannot drive on Third Mainland Bridge after 11pm because of armed robbers patrolling. Another fuel related tragedy happened at Abule-Egba, which I think is near Alagbado. A pipe line exploded killing several people as they were lining up for fuel. The scarcity is not letting up so it sort of pays off that I am staying home today especially after spending 5 hours in a queue with my friend on Christmas Eve. Actually she spent 5 hours, I only spent 2 and that was because I felt bad. As per she is the one carrying me around in her ‘Fashion Wagon’ as it is called. Well let me try to recap on the past 3 weeks so far in Lagos. Did I mention that it is hot as hell? But ironically that has been good because it is oxidizing my skin. The food is very peppery and my stomach is not used to it yet. The other day at Soul Lounge when everybody was ordering ‘ASUN’, I was like ‘this sounds very exotic let me try it’. BIG MISTAKE. Basically, this so called delicacy was a bowl of stewed crushed raw ‘ata-rodo’ (an equivalent of habanero pepper). The next morning I had to go buy ‘some things’ for my stomach. I am seriously avoiding spicy food because it can be embarrassing when you are crashing in someone’s crib and you ‘have to go…as in go’. Hmh…not cute. Let me start with the day my fellow musketeer landed to complete the crew. Mat-Mat’s arrival was highly awaited because that meant that I could shake off my small sisters and not rely on my brother for his car. We started the afternoon out at the infamous SUPREME hair salon where I ran into some avid ‘According to’ readers from Boston. Shout out to them for stopping by to say hello, they were very nice and basically kept me company as the hair dressers performed their miracle on Mat-Mat’s busted weave. I am sorry my jand sister’s but you people need to boycott the hair dressers till they get some training. I swear I have never seen any sister from jand yet with a good weave. I am sure some people will support me on this one. In fact I am angry on your behalf. Anyways we then went to La Hacienda. You have to excuse me for not knowing exactly where on ‘the Island’ these places are because Ikoyi and Victoria Island have always been confusing to me since I was a kid. I swear that I don’t know my way around there. I tried their Nkwobi (cow feet in oil beans) but it was not that great. I have had better. Anyways L’Tizzie, T-Opizzie and Ayisola aka ‘Shelele’ came to meet us and we ended up at A-bar for a little early ‘happy hour’ of sorts. I only drank Fanta and Red-Bull. We didn’t go out that night so I stayed home and just ‘warmed’ my parents up to the fact that my two weeks with them and doing what they wanted to do was so over. You know you have to psyche them a bit into realizing that you are not a kid anymore and it is not news that you plan to stay over night at wherever you are, otherwise they will set the curfew for 10pm. But I think my parents are getting in touch now that they won’t even call to harass you and disturb your fun. All they say is stay where you are and don’t attempt to be on the ‘Bridge’.Thursday came around and I had business meetings much of the day including one with a reporter for the Associated Press. Later that night, I went out with a friend to Saipan. Mat-Mat wanted to warm her dad up so she stayed home and made dinner. The live band at Saipan was TIGHT but whatever happened to the AC because it was like a box of sardine in a microwave. Hopefully this would not be the case when I go there again because I was really digging their live band. I left early not just because it was unbearably hot but because I was also paranoid and concerned that there was no visible alternative exit in the case of a fire. I’ve noticed that many places in Nigeria, including the new structures have no fire exits or sprinklers. I would think that someone would be thinking of these things as they build these magnificent and well intended structures. Make me just wonder. Anyways, I ran into a few people I knew and it was pleasant seeing them (ok may be that’s not true for one or two but it is Christmas so I am happy to see everybody)Friday came around and I am not sure what I did that whole day, but that night was the most fun I have had in a non-wedding setting in a while. We went to the very famous La Casa. In my head I was like ‘finally’ as I had been hearing so much about this La Casa place. They played a lot of old school music that took me back to my diaper days. That is about to be my joint of Friday nights. Now I have to look for my Saturday night joint as these are the only two nights that I will be out once I get in work mode. Anyways I don’t know what happened but when I left I am sure I had downed a bottle’s worth of alcohol. It all started with mixing sprite and white wine. Then I graduated to just the white wine. It tasted like grape juice now so I didn’t know when I had three glasses. Then came the champagne…and it was ‘Pink Mo’. Not that I have ever had it before, it just always looks cute when all those model chicks and celebs carry their glass of pink champagne. So me too I was trying to carry my own glass, but unfortunately for me it was sweet. I knew I had had enough when my speech was all slurry and I just could not stop dancing. I even took off my shoes. I am sure people were like who is this crazy girl. After a little while I calmed down, but Mat-Mat on the other hand was a goner. According to someone’s description, she was ‘just jumping anyhow’. A friend came by and was like make sure she is drinking a lot of water. We had to abandon the car because we were blocked in and crashed at a friend’s place. Mat-Mat gets the award for longest hangover because she did not recover till Sunday. While I am on the subject, I had no idea there were so many single-older women in Lagos o. I guess that explains the ‘Sugar-Mummy’ trend these days as observed in the few ‘City-People’ mags that I have been able to lay my hands on. That is the way forward now. Men have been doing it and are still doing it so now I guess it is time for women to feel free to do it. So props to the ‘Nigerian Cougars’ doing their thang, and not limiting their options.Meanwhile, on Saturday morning I was able to sneak into bed at 8am, before my dad woke up. Just on time to avoid the ‘evil eyes’, ‘the talk’ and to get money to continue the trips. Saturday was Tunde’s wedding, which I almost did not go to. Everyone who could take me out was in line for fuel. My folks were traveling the next day so the option to have my dad’s driver to take me out to Lekki was out. I was kind of upset because I had this nice dress that I had a tailor make for me. The woman collected N5000 for express service especially for this wedding because I was not sure what to expect considering it is an ‘ATL CREW’ wedding. Ya’ll know how ‘dem folks’ can be with their ‘BCBG’…ha…I should now go there and start looking like the house girl of America. But as they say sha, where there is a will, there is a way, turned out that Mat-Mat’s sister was headed to a party in the high brow estate called ‘Park View’. Ok…now I know there are rich people in my country but WHO THE F*** are the residents of that place…let me shake their hand. Lol. Those houses are magnificently massive. I never knew of that place but apparently it has been around for a while. Interesting discovery it was indeed. Next stop Banana Island. I hear those are even gynormous. It is good sha, because as I was driving past, I was feeling like I was when I was in Beverly Hills, admiring the houses. I have become a tourist in my own country. Lol. (Eureka!!! Business plan radar/ money making scheme; An Air Conditioned Bus tour through the ritzy neighborhoods of Lagos, which would include a 'cross-continental' lunch buffet at Eko Hotel and Take-Away Suya from Ikoyi Hotel. Irresistible!! N5K per head)I got to the wedding party really late in my alternative dress, hung out with the folks there and had some small conversation. Later the party ended up at Bullet’s crib. Mat-Mat braced her hang over and came to pick me up and we went to another house party. It is Christmas season so there were enough parties. At this very party though, some of the gentlemen were seriously clowning me and decided to give me a nickname, Maria, because of my ‘Americana ways’. I slept through the story but could hear them laughing really hard. It wasn’t till I woke up and everyone was calling me ‘Maria’ that I realized I was the butt of the joke. We stayed over at another friend’s house again because it was too late to be driving home (we should just move to ‘the Island’). On another note I was worried because my parents were traveling to the village and were bound to wake up at like 5am. That meant that my runs would be busted. My sister’s were calling to find out where I was and when I would be coming home. We tried to sync up our stories. I sent my dad a text and avoided the unforeseen ‘wahala’. We didn’t get home till like 1pm Sunday. We slept like bats. I went to take a bath and Mat-Mat went to queue up for fuel. I joined her later. Sunday night I think we went to Park and Shop to do some ‘grocery’ shopping. We ran into our neighbors, the Adekoya’s who were having a Christmas party and were stacking up. We also spotted Ms. Funmi Iyanda and ‘her extra long legs’. As in ‘Word to Yo Momma,’ because if I had legs like that, I too will be in booty-shorts every frigging day of my life. From there we went to Victoria Crown Plaza to meet a friend and have drinks. I stuck to my Fanta. We swore we would not spend X-mas eve away from home so we braved it home at like 1am and that was it for Sunday.Christmas day was odd. No parents in my house, no house girl, no food. You would think that with 3 grown women in the house someone would have boiled some rice. Nah...Not my house. The only food that was available was reserved for the boys. The rest of us were on our own. We all got dressed for church. My sister Onyi went off to spend X-mas with her ‘potential future family’, Nene was at the Adekoya’s (in fact she spent X-mas night there because she was locked out…Onyi slept off and didn’t hear the phone ringing). I spent the day with my fellow musketeers, Mat-Mat and Ayis. We went from house to house dressed up and looking for food. We found it at Deyo’s. Her mom had a ‘spread’. Moi-moi, fish, fried rice, jollof rice, fried chicken etc. We had our fill, rolled out to Mr. Biggs for Ice-cream and then La Hacienda for pepper soup. We ended up at L-Tizzies’ where I ran into Eldee, Ikechukwu and the Koko-Master, D’Banj himself (with his ‘wearing-sunglass-at-night-self’ when there is no sun :). My darling friend Ugo was also there (hey Ugo let’s get married if we are still single in 2010…seriously). Anyways we ended up at 11-45 for a Salsa party. That in itself will require a special blog entry but before then all I have to say is that these Salsa dancers (especially Boomsy and Wale) can put the Salsa dancers in clubs in America to shame because they were just all over the place. I guess because there was so much space that the dancers had room to ‘show-off’ their skills. Ehm…me too I am thinking I should go and take lesson too so I don’t feel out of place when they are spinning and wining and throwing their legs about. As usual we did not sleep in our house that night. Lol. Hence I find myself just waking up at 1pm with a cracked voice, drinking lime and hot water, and trying to update you with the gist. I am sure I have lost some weight. By the way the next person that squeezes their face when they tell me I am very skinny will get a ‘konk’ on the head. They should go and tell that to Agbani (who is now on a commemorative Nigerian stamp) and Oluchi (who if you have not noticed is expecting a little atootoo-poyoyo). This is all for now. Pictures will come later. On Thursday I am off to go fishing and farming in my village for 5 days. Please God let the roads be clear of traffic, pot holes and armed robbers. Ya’ll have a good New Year; fill me in on whatever I will be missing out on. Right now I am off on a date...ALREADY..HA HA HA...Peace.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

HEY ALL!!!HERE'S TO WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY XMAS AND A JOYOUS ENTRY INTO THE NEW YEAR. I WIL HAVE TO GIVE YOU ALL THE GIST ON DELAYED MODE. I AM TOO BUSY HAVING A BLAST DESPITE THE HICCUPS THAT COME BY WAY OF NO RIDE, MOSQUITO BITES AND OVER SIZED CLOTHES (I SHALL EXPLAIN LATER). I HAVE RUN INTO ONE OR TWO 'FANS' BUT IT IS HARD TO COORDINATE IN LAGOS BECAUSE THEIR IS JUST TOO MUCH TO DO AND FOLKS ARE ON BORROWED TIME. THAT SAID I CAN'T WAIT TO GET INTO WORK MODE EITHER. ANYWAYS I DOUBT I WILL HAVE RELIABLE INTERNET ACCESS TILL AROUND JANUARY SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK OF FESTIVITIES. PEACE OUT!!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

On Sunday night I sat down for two hours trying to watch this piece on ABC news by Brian Ross Scamming the Scammers. It is dial up Internet and it is FREE so I should stop being an ingrate and keep psyching to get broadband. As for T-1 connection, I am not sure that is in Nigeria yet. However that might be facilitated with the recent agreement that Microsoft just made with the Federal government "to allow the Nigerian government and agencies the use and deployment of its software at the cost of N324 million," according to the aily Champion. Anyways after watching that, I feel this is the right time to unveil some 'scrolls' that I have been keeping. Before I go ahead, I have to point out in sarcasm an irony in Brian Ross piece and emphasise the 'DELETE UNSOLICITED EMAILS' part. This is a case of penny wise pound foolish. So basically in order to save himself from being scammed out of his money, Mr. Ross decided to 'spend' money to fly first class, ship equipment to go and do a 3 minute report to show us 'he is no mugu after all'. Ok Mr. Ross, you just spent probably $10,000 when you could have just clicked 'delete'. Thank God for Minnie and Mickey. But interesting report none the less, would have been better if it was balanced with another report on what the Nigerian Government is also doing through the E.F.C.C. I am sure a sound bite with Mallam Ribadu or even a mention of how to report the scams to the body would satisfy that purpose. But ya'll know the deal with reporting about anything that has to do with Africa.

But back to my scrolls. I should have taken my own advice because this guy 'blascattered' my head with his English but I was angry the day this whole thing started and I was surprised I even got a response. It all started with the scam emails we were getting at work. You know how that can be. Every time one came, someone would never fail to mention or ask me about it. That is like saying to a blind man, "You are blind so I guess you cannot see that rainbow," or telling the mother monkey that her child is ugly. Anyways, just as other Nigerians in diaspora I would just laugh along, roll my eyes or curse under my breathe. But this day, I came in to work at 7am only to be greeted by the email. Knowing what I would face at work, I quickly replied. Usually when we get viewer emails at the station, if someone replied, you send an email out so no one else does. So I sent an 'I've responded to this viewer' not just to be funny, but just so that no one will come and start disturbing me. Lo and behold, one of my supervisors came in and the first thing he said to me after exchanging greetings was in reference to the scam email and we laughed about mine. Anyways enjoy the email exchange, I found it quite interesting and hilarious. Please do excuse the typos on my part and the poor use of the English language and lengthiness on Mr Dennis Audu's part. (PS: For the purpose of full disclosure, after my second reply, I moved the exchange to my personal account and did the rest from home.)

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-----Original Message-----From: Denis AuduSubject: Help this new change

Dear Sir/Madam,

Goodday,i am sorry for any enconviniences this letter may cause you intrying to understand my purpose and why i have choosing to solicit foryour assistance .its true that i dont know you personally but mypreviouse experience and the situation i found my self has thought me tohave more faith in looking deyond my imidiated environment and beingthat i have lost my confidence in human nature more especially people ihave laboured so much to fixed in strategic places who has choosen tobit the finger that feed them instead of appreciating my kindness,butnow i have choosing to follow gods direction of faith and for you tounderstand me please its important that you first put your self in myown shoes.

I am Mr Denis Audu of the The Movement for Democratic Change (MDC)ofZIMBABWE the S P A to MorganTsvangirai,the c opposition leader . whois currently facing more treason charges of plotting to kill PresidentRobert Mugabe the treason charge arises as a result of Tsvangirai'smeetings with a Canadian political consultant in which Robert Mugabeallegedly claimed that Tsvangirai spoke of "eliminating"him Mugabe aheadof presidential polls, MorganTsvangirai If convicted risks the deathpenalty. The new treason charges arose from mass anti-governmentprotests Tsvangirai organised last year in which he is accused of urgingZimbabweans to oust Mugabe.

The state accuses Tsvangirai of inciting supporters to overthrow thegovernment and engage in acts of public violence ,Pitabely during thisour prodemocratic campangne rally which we are being accused of publicviolence a lot of our member were assassinated openly and secretely bypolice and hudlums suspected to be the killer agents of thegovernment.ever since then or party have been subjected under heavyattack by those incumbent masterminded forces as a result of ourcontinue oppositon stand against the incumbent president Robert Mugabeand his porported tenure elongation .

Today as i am talking to you the president with the support of hiscorrupt ruling Zanu PF party officials and members in the pailiamentare pressing for the manipulation of the arrangement to restrictMorganTsvangirai from contesting the next general election there forenegetting chapter IV of the constitution, section 28, subsection(1),which states that a person qualifies for election as president ifhe is "a citizen by birth or by descent, has attained 40 years and isordinarily resident in Zimbabwe". its against this background that wehave decided to remobilise with all our members nomatter what it willtake both home and abroad in readyness to resist his constitutionalamendment and for the forthcoming general elections through our youthco-odinator in other to enable us resist any eventuality as isexpected,note that the national chirman of my party who was a formerAgricultural minister in my country is awear of this developmentneedless mentioning names including the part director of campaignmobilization and finance comitee.

However,upon the above introduction of my person and purpose i have beendirected to do all the international consultations associated to gettingevery body defence technologies which we may need in the course ofacheiving our objectives.having seen your contact in the searchdirectory thought it worthy to contact your person for possiblenegociations in this update and how its going to work out smoothly,as wearticulate this project we particularly search for men and women ofproving integrity and reliable due to the sensitive nature of thistransaction i assure you that your intrest is fully guaranteed and thebases for your co-opration negociable.

Meanwhile i am to negociate the purchase outside Zimbabwe since themoney for this has been maped out from part of our party reserve fundwith a security company in europe totaling $21.5million us dollars bythe party ,being that i accompanied my boss MorganTsvangirai here ineurope where the deposit was made with the intention to utilize it byour party before he was arrested, its upon this development that ourparty wants me to continue with every party maped out plan scince i havea comprehensive details of every deposite made by my boss inrespect tothe party.what you will do for me is just to stand as the partybeneficiary contractor abroad to help secure the reserve first then welook for a body defence company for the purchase and the party beleivethat i am the only person who has the capacity and the sagacity to dothe international consultations it takes.you will only party me toutilize the confidence i am already enjoying in the party leadership bybeing honest in my future dealing and correspondence with you.as we goon i am going to provide you with all the neccesary logistics support toenable you function well in this project.

Do contact me via e mail mdc_coalition@yahoo.co.uk.

Thanks for your cosideration,

Denis Audu.

For (M D C). *****************************************From: Achumba, Adaure Subject: RE: Help this new change

BROTHERYOU CAN WRITE OH!!!! WHY NOT PUT THAT ENERGY AND TALENT INTO SOMETHINGBENEFICIAL INSTEAD OF EMBARRASSING YOUR PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD BYSENDING THESE 419 LETTERS-- THAT IS NOT GOOD OH. EVERY TIME I GET ONE OFTHESE LETTERS AT WORK THAT IS THE JOKE OF THE DAY. NOT VERY FAIR TOTHOSE OF US WHO ARE HARD WORKING. GO WRITE A BOOK OR A FILM SCRIPT ANDWORK FOR YOUR MONEY.

YOUR SISTER IN THE DIASPORA

*********************************************Sister,

I do appreciate your effort in finding time to read my letter and youradvice well noted.

Yes first off all can you indentify the country whose image your tryingto protect ,as soon as you give me this information then i will be in aposition to address your questions more meaningfuly.

Thanks for now,

Denis Audu.

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Brother,What a pleasant surprise to read your note. I was truly not expectingyou to reply. To answer your questions (which is not really one) aboutwhich country's image I am trying to protect. Frankly I am not trying toprotect any image at all. The image of Africa and her countries is badacross the board so trying to protect it is a futile effort. It is likeprotecting Firewood from Fire, the two have an inevitable path ofdestiny to cross, hence the given name. Changing the image of Africa iswhat I am about and I cannot do that when there are people like you whoinsist on taking that fast route rather than put that god given talentand ability towards a skill or trade. You write very well, what will ittake you to hone that skill and broaden it in to something. There arepeople who went from painting lipstick on their face in the mirror everymorning and shining their teeth in vanity to painting the faces ofpeople as a business venture and owning their own make up line. Thereare people who have gone from mixing coke and cherry fanta with brandyfor Christmas parties to being the primary mixed-drink and punchsupplier to events to owning a catering outfit. These are all peoplewho could have resigned to fast schemes like every degree holder whocannot get a job, every high school certificate holder who cannot passuniversity entrance exam, but they choose not to resign to that fate andput heir energy into exercising their talents and becomingentrepreneurial. I hope this will help you address my question moremeaningfully as I am curious to hear you defend yourself and yourattempt to defraud an unsuspecting victim who may unfortunately begullible or even greedy enough to give you their information. I lookforward to your response and I hope we can share our views more on thismatter.

Your SisterAdaure

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Dear Sister Adaure,

I will appreciate a situation where by we try to be more direct in our approach,because you are trying to be a bit diplomatical in tackling my questions just be open there is no problems since you have dicided to correct a wrong but remember there is a background to every injustice and by the time you indentify your self well,i am ready to give you a more comprehensive insight to this problem you are trying to address maybe it will even aid you incase you wants to write a book.

Before i forget in your next letter please tell me that country in the world you think as having the best image not even continent and the yadstick used for such assesment by whose ever is that later day saint that produced that report.

Yours Brother,

Denis.

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My Brother Dear DennisI am being as open as a calabash. How much more direct can I really be. You want me to fly inside the computer. I am not being 'diplomatical' as you put it. Just stating a fact. And why do I need to 'indentify' myself, it is not like I am hiding behind a fake name or email address like you are. I am all ears to your comprehensive insight into the problem and yes may be your insight can help me understand where you are coming from and the background on the injustice that you speak of. I am sure they will make good material to write a book. I can even have you as the co-author so that you can stop your illegal hustling. To your last statement, you are right there is no country that has the best image neither is there a country to which a yardstick assessment can be attributed to. I don't think i have said that or even hold that position. But just because some things are uncontrollable and are over looked doesn't mean it is right or give it any justification because that is basically what you are trying to say. Anyways bros, I think you are the one being a bit indirect and not being very open. If I may go further, what is your story, why do you chose to send the email scam instead of doing something else. Please educate me since you are seem to challenge my claim to the moral high ground on this matter.

Your Dear Sister Adaure

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Dear Sister Adaure,

I am happy atleast that you have accepted the fact that there is no country with a clean image, i have lived also in the so called advanced countries and i know how they came about there advancement, you may also have been out side Africa.i was motivated to responding to your first mail because you said this mail comes always everday and that your co-workers reads it with you with the impression that the mail comes from your brothers in Africa.So i actually wanted to get to those your co-workers and lash them incase they are white people.

Well your theory is real but can only work out in a just society,i also enjoy your writting for so long i have not been in contact with ladies that writtes so mavelousely.

Lastly i am writting you from here in Madrid Spain if you wouldnt mind this is my telepohe number 0034-650-677-802.if we must contnue in this chart let me know you better.

Thanks for your intrest.

Denis.

*********************************************Brother Denis,This is interesting. So are you saying you are NOT AFRICAN? Amazing!! I am aware that some of these emails do not originate from Africa directly but I was not expecting a non-African. I was afraid you would be Nigerian because you answer my questions with nothing but more questions and try to take me off the subject. Very typical. Perhaps you have too many Nigerian friends. So you are in Spain? What do you do in Spain? Do you have a real job or you just rely on revenue from your email scams. Per knowing me better, I am not sure what you mean? I am sure we can continue this dialogue on our ideology via email. I honestly don't have time to talk on the phone, plus I would like to document our conversation for that book we talked about. Anyways go through my previous email and re-read them because there are so many questions you have left unanswered. Cheers Brother

Your Sister (I guess no longer perhaps) Adaure

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Dear Adaure,

Now two things a imperative i gave you an option to reveal your indentity if you must have an insight about my activities which you refuted,instead your intrest revolves around record my converstions with you.perhaps if that is your only intrest then that will cost you small money.

Denis.

**************************************************

Hello DenisYou are certainly right, my interest does revolve around recording our conversations and getting insight into what you do and why you do it. I apologize if I did not make it clear that I was a journalist. I assumed you would have made that inference from my email address or done some research of some sort. Anyways I am a journalist from Nigeria but live in the United States. You are a fascinating character and I am interested in hearing your story. It is amazing, especially when it can help dispel the myth that these email scams all originate from Nigerians and Africans. You did give me the impression that you are neither.Is that correct? Anyways it is unfortunate but as a news journalist I do not pay to get stories. Even if I did, how am I sure you would not turn me into a victim and run away with my money. That being said I am enjoying this exchange and look forward to continuing to hear from you. Again please go over my previous emails and answer the questions I have asked you elaborately. You may also chose to decline and discontinue this exchange. You also gave me your phone number but I must get your consent as well to have the conversation recorded. Again this is only for journalistic purposes and does not involve any law enforcement so you can relax. I am just after the fascinating story that you have to tell. Believe me no one will pay you for your story so here is your opportunity to turn your scam into something good. I await your reply. Cheers

Adaure

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Subject: For your comprehensive insight.

Ada,

I thank you for your effort intrying to bring me to a talk,well that’s not bad.

However,I can see that your privilegded to be hard working in the United states as i was mearnt to know in your first mail but please note that working hard is a function of income and environment that is the demand for labour and some of your brothers and sisters are not exposed to such opportunities at home i dont realy know your antecedentes but atleast your parents some how could afford it in one way or the other.

I am sorry maybe if i could not tackle your questions directly it is not deliberate as i try to give you a more coincise details which could offer a more valuable answers to your questions, but incase if your not satisfied, your free to resend it back to me for an appropriate answer.

Listen cearfully may be I don’t know what is your fathers position about Nigeria because he is the only person in a position to tell you the truth,but when he fails in that duty then as an adult you can search for answers to your own questions.

In 1914 one man called Lord Lugard carried out the amalgamation of north and southern Nigeria to the British intrest to suit the police of indirect rule and consequently placed north in a more political dominating power in Nigeria polity which positioned the north in getting a lion chair of what ever that comes out of Nigeria,even when geographically they are located in a barren desart and having boundries with the poorest African state Chad.

Before independence a man called Tafawa Bellewa was a primary school teacher and the british empire being leaded by a woman in England finds this man more qualified to be the priminster more that Zik and Awolowo and other elites that paid the price of our independence struggle,this is not for the intrest of me and you and Nigerians but for the intrest of the northern muslems and british because the England government felt it is only the muslem north will remember and guarantee there intrest when the go. I will send you an appendix to this points.

The british government masterminded the killing of the ibos in the north with there constant arminitions and personel supply to Gowon after the fall of Tafawa belewa the stuge they installed in Nigerian as a priminster. The coupe that huasted Belewa was never an igbo coup which Britain makes the world to beleive , why ?because General Ironsi who crippled the coup was an igbo man and ojukwu also an igbo man rendered the coup immobile in the northern kanu where he was serving as a brigade commander then.

Sister I have washed the western intrest and finds out that it chages over time ,so it is never permanent .eg in Nigeria they have demonstrated an all time support to the muslems than the Christians whom seams to share the same christian faith with them contrary to what we see in the case of irsael and lebanon,in iraq they propagated Saddam when they wanted to use him against Ayotala komeni of Iran ans they succeded later because of the difficulties in respecting a dishonest father Sadam fallout of there favour and was accused of possesing a weapon of mass distrutions which uptill now is still being looked for.

I am not drawing this inferences in other to divert my focus from the original subject but to capture your understanding of the historic background of the problems your trying to address.

I had listened to the American independence speech and I saw there was really a promise and it is upon this promise that Marthin luther stood and libreted the black negros from the chains of slavery to the promise land of freedom for all irrespective of color and that promise is freedom to every American. I had gone to search for Nigerian independence speech and could not fine the content of the speech instead Tafawa Belewa was busy thanking the that woman in england and the people of England for handing over power to him so there was know promise from where to continue as a people .Even in Biafran struggle there was a promise and that promise was Self determination and it was that promise of self determination that sustained the will to continue the struggle without any armunitions at our disposal upto 1970 when the Nigerian and Britain lead attack with higher fire power got fed up of drinking the innocent blood of the igbos,and the America and the rest of the world was behind washing as our fathers, mothers , brothers and brothers ,young and old died defencelessly,and we are still Christians together sitting and worshiping the same god,I wonder who will go to heaven.since that brotherly love we were thought as young growing Christians was greatly betrayed when we see them joing hand with muslems in killing there own Christian brothers and sisters.

Today in Nigeria an average igbo young lady that comes out of the university can not get a job unless she gave out her body to the northern directors in different government institutions men even older that there own fathers,and young men from the eastern Nigeria who came out of the university could not be employed while illiterates from the north occupy executive government positions. as if that is not enough, they introduced what is called normadic education in the north so that that cattle rearer can also oneday become the manager of financial institutions while our well trained graduates are parading the street with nothing to show for, there by making education non attractive in the eastern Nigeria and you want us to sitback and die of hunger in the missed this delibrate policy of crpplling us psychologically and economically..They even went asfar as introducing what is called cut of point in the university entrance examination so that sobody who scoure 300 from the east and west will gain the same admission to read the same course with somebody who score 50 from the north so that those who scoure from 150 to 200 from the easth will be denied admission as if it is a course to become intelligent ,what a sell out to the system,when they were doing privatization the northerners being present in the government used the same money they stole from government pocket to bought over all the privatized government enterprise and our retied fathers could not even afford there pensions as at when do, takless of investing on privatization.

Please before I forget you asked me while I am doing this job ,but note that higher educations exposes one to a certain level of life that is why the Nigerian first civilian regime introduced car loan to fresh university graduates as an offer of entitlement upon employment these lasted upto 1980 when the military northern oligachy took over power again and turned the whole system upside down.i can not afford to be looking my father who gave me education and my younger once die of hunger.

Frustration does a lot of things especially when equal opportunity is not given to every one in the same society,i am happy atleast that after the British and Nigeria invasion which left Biafran igbo totally naked we did not resort to terrorism like the arabs but repositioned our energy towards economic survival.which one is better.

I have to live your ,a word is enough for the wise.

From Denis.

*******************************************HE THEN SENDS ME A COPY OF PRIME MINISTER TAFAWA BALEWA'S ADDRESS TO THE NATION ON INDEPENDENCE DAY, OCTOBER 1ST 1960 AS WELL AS AN ARTICLE TITLED WHY THE IGBO MAN IS NOT TRUSTED BY Justice Eze Ozobu. SEARCH FOR THEM ON GOOGLE AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU CANNOT FIND THEM AND I WILL POST THEM. I GUESS HE WAS TRYING TO DRIVE SOME POINT TO BACK UP HIS POSITION. I WAS LOST.

*******************************************

Hmh...very interesting write up. I did see your other emails as well. So you are Nigerian after all and saddest of all an Igbo. You dashed my little glimmer of hope with that revelation. While I understand where you are coming from and agree that the environment in Nigeria is harsh and wealth is not distributed fairly, I do not agree that one should resort to unscrupulous means to make a living. I also do not agree that my being in the US is the privilege that provided me the opportunity to work hard. That is self determined regardless of where I would have ended up in life. From your email you seem to have some level of education. What is your educational background and qualification and are you in Spain legally. Perhaps if you are not, that's an added reason as to why things might be hard for you. Have you ever thought of starting your own business and if so what was the result of that. See optimism and hard work goes a long way.You say "Frustration does a lot of things especially when equal opportunity is not given to every one in the same society,I am happy at least that after the British and Nigeria invasion which left Biafran Igbo totally naked we did not resort to terrorism like the Arabs but repositioned our energy towards economic survival.which one is better"It is interesting they way you are rehashing history as a means to justify your being an ill to society and the Igbo heritage. Is this your way of acting out or getting back at society. I am all for economic survival, that's why many of us leave the shores of Africa in the first place to seek economic opportunities where they are abundant. As you too are one of the 'fortunate' one, using your inference, why aren't you utilizing the opportunities available to reposition your energy and wits into something more tangible and honorable rather than dupe people? I mean. let's get real here, what you do is criminology and nothing else. Artfully using your education to perpetuate crime without a gun. How can anyone in his or her right mind try to justify that? I am just wondering because you still have not explained that aspect. Thanks for the Nigerian history lesson but I think I got enough of that to earn straight A's in the subject secondary school. But I appreciate the refresher course, however it is truly a digression from my original questions which I have also rehashed in this email.

(ps: Na wa for you sha. Why do Naija people like to play Maradona when they are asked simple questions. Bros na wetin...abeg time na money o...just ansa me jare.)

*****************************************************Ada Please,

Repeat that question your talking about,may be i could not capture that.

Dennis

*******************************************************

Hello Dennis,Thanks for your speedy responseHere are some questions I have written out that I would like for you to answer to help me understand you and get insight into what you do and why you do it.

<1> What led you into this art of sending email scam letters and how successful/ profitable has it been for you. How often have people fallen to the trap.<2> Are you gainfully employed? If so why do you choose to do this? If not employed, why not?<3> How do you justify this criminal activity as repositioning your energy towards economic survival, s you have eloquently put it.<4> What is your back ground; educational, family, cultural and economic?<5> Do you care that the emails you send are embarrassing to other Nigerians and Africans. For example, when I get emails like this at work, it is the joke of the day because people assume ( justifiably) that they are from Nigerians. <6> Why do you not value hard work as a means to an end.<7> What would you say is the psychology behind people who become victims to this email scam and fall for your elaborate stories.<8> What is your immigration status, are you in Spain legally? Are there no jobs for you there and is that why you resort to 419<9> Have you ever thought of starting your own business and if so what was the end result of that.<10> Do you have a family, children, wife and kids? Or are you just a young hustler looking for the fast lane to wealth.<11> Basically tell me your story, Who is "Denis" the man behind this artfully crafted letter. Where are you coming from? Take me into your life journey and your philosophy. I want an honest and true story with well thought out answers and responses that are real to you and not a coy or made up. I find you to be very interesting and intelligent and I am fascinated by that and would like to read more from you.

Feel free to add whatever else you would like. Will be looking out for your response. Thank you for your time in doing this. Cheers

Adaure

**************************************************

Adure ,Your questions are too many are you working for fbi or what?meanwhile i am single in case if you may like to marry me.

I have ideas of buisness but i dont have money to put it to reality so am worried bucause of my burning desire to sustain the dream alive.i dont have papers to do normal job and if sudenly you work with another persons paper such persons normaly eat our money here and you cant complain otherwise you will be facing security risk.i am a higher school leaver my attack is basically a focused sustained asult on white people not people like you.i have never gotten a good client to raise money for my trade otherwise i would quit this buisness as it cant guarantee steady means of lively hood.which ever psychology they will suffer will never by equal to that one suffered by that negro slave that was moved from his ancestral root whose soul is still in search of final resting place both the living and the death.dont tell me about image of country again because i have knoe country my country Biafra is still yet to be they only country i can stand and defend her image anywhere.

I hope with this you will be okay.

Denis.***********************************************

Denis I am not with the FBI, I am just a reporter and as such I tend to ask very many questions. You did not give me the answers that I was looking for. Are you bored already? C'mon now, see all the questions I gave you and you are giving me this short answer. I cannot even write one paragraph with that. Try to answer the questions each specifically because you have all these ideas going on and you are confusing me a little bit

Meanwhile as I wait for you to really answer my questions, lets talk about Biafra since you do not care about Nigeria's or Africa's image. How do you think you are helping Biafra's image with this. I am ashamed you are trying to twist this into a debate about Biafra's existence or lack thereof and trying to use the past (slavery included) as justification for your lifestyle. Biafra died with the Nigerian Civil war in 1970 and you seem to be a prisoner of ideology. Do you think that if Biafra did come to fruition in 1970 that it would not be another mess that most african countries are. Do you think Biafra would be any different from Nigeria or that it would not share the same history as other countries. Your argument bears no substance. By the way how old are you? Where you born during or after the war?

Awaiting your response

Adaure

********************************************

At this point, I guess he either chickened out or found a 'MUGU' that bought his first scam letter BS. I never heard from this guy again. Anyways I am unable to read through so bare with me. I have to rush out and find where to go as 'NEPA HAS STRUCKETHED' and their is no juice in my lap-top battery. Anyhow please do share your thougths on this rather silly exchange.

Finally, I have managed to find some spare time to actually sit down and put together an entry that will make a little sense considering this internet connection of mine lacks juice. The reason I am up past 2 am and watching Nigerian music videos is because I cannot sleep. Yes, I am stamped and certified jet-lagged. This is the second night in a row. Exerting all that energy crooning at the karaoke bar did not make a difference. I am going into my 5th day in Nigeria and all I have to say is that it is good to be with family again. The yelling, the door slamming, the harassment, the abusing and cursing, the duping and the dodging. That’s my home sweet home. The cacophony and canter chorus sounds rival that of the London Philharmonic Orchestra at practice. The sole reason I ran very far away to America, refusing to look back. Now I ask my self, what I’m doing back here. As they say, love is blind and blood is thicker than water. I did miss the silliness though. Like this morning I had a perfect aim with my slippers. My brother Chibuike, who basically tries to be a thug but will be at your mercy if you serve him a plate of fish, thought he had me and was running away after he smacked me. Little did he know that I had mastered the art of 'slippers-weaponry' very well. Despite the fact that I almost slipped trying to chase him and pull my slipper off at the same time, my aim was so on point that it drew the map of Africa on his back. Oh the joy and jubilation. He was so shocked. My sisters you will hear more about, and as for my mother, she is still paranoid and is only relevant when it is time to eat. Her middle name is 'mummy where's my food'. My father aka 'aka-gum' (hand of gum) is still allegedly stingy according to his other children and is only really seen when it is time to negotiate some monetary dealing. In some cases when a victim of 419 is needed. For example yesterday, the poor man got duped twice in the same 'graduation fee scam' perpetrated by my sister. She told him that the 'exit fee' for her and my brother was N9000 each when in actuality it was N1500. Now you would think that as a professor my dad would know what the University he works for is charging the students, but I guess he must have been aloof about it. Anyways, he got smart later in the day, after he had dished out the money, when he asked one of his graduating students what they were charging. By then it was juts a bit too late. I am sure the conversation went like this

Student: Ah Prof...Good after'oon sahProf: Ah how are you my dear... are you ready for the d-dayStudent: Yes sah... we thank God. In fact I just went to pay my exit fee sah. The line was too long sah. I even saw your daughter there this morning.Prof: Yes... I gave her the money this morning. After paying school fees they still want a whole ‘9 towzan’ just for graduation, when it is not Cambridge.Student: ‘9 towzan’ sah? But sah it's only one towzan five hundred sah.Prof: WHHHHOOOOOTTTT!!! One towzan five hundred?Student: Yes SahProf: You don' meanit....chai umuakanu egwuolem wayo (these children have tricked me)(Picks GSM, calls the house...my brother Chiwuike picks up. Yes I know. I spelt his name differently. My confused parents can’t figure which it is. That, my and Ejike’s real birthday.)Chiwuike: Hello. 9 thousand... (Sounds surprised) It's one thousand five hundred!?! Ehn ehn...Ok… lemme call her sha (places phone down) Onyenachi... your father is calling you…he has found out oh, the plan has scattered; find what you will tell him because this money is not leaving my hand.Onyenachi: Hallo... who told you that? He must be an eediot. The department fee is this, the cap and gown is this. The scroll too is not free. Add that that and that and that is even 10 thousand. I even had to take money from my own pocket sef to add to the money. I don't know which graduation that person is paying one thousand five hundred for but it must be for University of Iwaya not University of Lagos. Ok...I will bring receipt. Bye Bye.

Some things never change. Meanwhile, I was at the corner inflating the amount that the tailor charged. What? I am taking my quota for the past 10 years so allow me.Anyways I was supposed to meet with one of my contacts but he had to cancel and so I planned to meet my friend Ayisola at the Galleria Mall at 5pm. She was stuck at work and could not show so my sisters and I were perambulating the mall till 7pm. We ended up going to some smoke filled bar called Havana's to meet my sister's 'suitor' (the word boyfriend is forbidden in my house because according t my father, just because he has 3 daughters does not mean his house should be turned into a brothel). After that we headed to the karaoke bar and acted a hot fool miming to Candy Girl and This is How We Do It. Funny enough I’ve never been so this was another interesting first and I loved it. As usual I took off my shoes, but that, my not wearing jewelry, no make up or nail polish seemed to be the focus of attention for one of the persons in our company so I take it Lagosians are not all entirely fans of the 'hippie-nearly-deeper-life-chick-thing'. But the experience had me thinking, gosh darn it why didn't they think of this place when I was a juvenile. But I am upset with the management though. WTF!!! How can you have a karaoke bar in an African country and not one musician on the list of the songs is Nigerian or African for that matter. What's that? I mean even a whole MTV Award winning song like African Queen by Tuface is not even on the list. Imagine the insult. Abeg the manager had better put some Fela, Shina or Majek on that bloody list before I write a boycott letter some newspaper. I kinda told my story back words because I skipped the part of my horrendous ordeal with KLM Airlines, my gas problem on the plane, how the heat hit me and how I went weak at the share amount of people and baggage at the one and only baggage claim section that the airport has had since my mother first brought me through there in 1980. Just thinking about that alone can mess up the rest of ones stay in Nigeria, not to mention the traffic, bad roads, touts, mosquitoes, lack of light, water, abject poverty amongst other things. But we thank God for places like 'The Island' (and its inhabitants) where we can all create and live out our fantasies, as well as the glossy and gossip magazines that never fail to show what we should all aspire and aim for in order to get away from the reality that is Nigeria. A reality which can cause a brain tumor if one should think too much about. Anyways ‘they’ are supposed to be going to church in the morning at 7am. Emphasis on they because I know I will still be in bed at that time (I’ll actually be bitching at them to stop disturbing my sleep). Anyways I have a phone now but that credit situation is rather interesting. I have to keep reminding myself that this is no AT&T or Sprint-to-Sprint. By the way those of you that are landing need to land quick quick abeg make the Xmas festivities begin. As chairwoman, I don clean chair finish put leg for table dey wait una. Ngwa biko bata bata osiso osiso kam ma wedar if it is skinny jims k’obu akwa kam ga wear (please land land fast fast lemme know if it’s skinny jeans or wrapper that I’ll wear)

Monday, December 04, 2006

Yes it is down to just hours. This long awaited decision is finally coming to fruition. Being able to freelance in Africa. It was a very long and contemplated one but my internship this fall at CNN (along with other positive factors) sealed the deal for me. So dear blogspot friends, this would be my last post from California and America for a while. I quit my job at KCOY, packed my s*** up, moved out of Santa Maria and currently posting on a friend's couch looking at the clock and saying to my self 'Gurl you must be crazy.' That's because I am heading to Nigeria to try my hands at freelance reporting (amongst other things) in the West Africa region.

Like a wanderer in the wilderness, I found myself in America nearly ten years ago. I was unsure of what my purpose would be but I had a vision. It has been a rough sojourn with its good times and bad times. But America's purpose in my life has been served for now and yet again I am off on another journey from whence it all began. This time I am a pilgrim with the purpose. Ok so I admit I have just been trying to use some of you to do my incognito research. I didn't quite get that camera and back-pack gear yet but I'll be teaming up with a local outfit to make things happen. Who knows, perhaps if I wow them, they'll pick me up and pay my bills;) I'll also be writing and pitching stories and articles from the region to American newspapers. The excitement has not set in yet because I don't know what to expect. But what I do know is that I can't sit behind a desk with a deafening scanner, clock ticking away, old age creeping up and waiting for other people to decide my future. Don't get me wrong, my job was cool and moving to Santa Maria was the best thing this year although I did bitch about both every now and then. But after a while I started to space out, miss my friends and family, miss the hustle, miss writing and story telling and most of all the adventure of going from getting a story idea to creating it for air. Hence I am seizing the moment because I need to do while I am still young, single and brave otherwise fear, apprehension and skepticism will get the better part of me. Can't let that happen. Plus what do I have to lose. It is a big and huge gamble, not to talk of risk. But as they say, if you risk nothing you stand to lose everything. The worst that could really happen is for me to be married off to one chief and be very pregnant in some mansion. You guys know how I am scared of being round and pregnant and having kids so 'ttttrust' me when I say this is some risky business.

So what else did I do during my last moments in America? Well considering that it will be Yam and Eggs, Bread and Butter or akara and akamu for breakfast , I had to go and get my fill of I-HOP pancakes and omelets. Also had a nice Country fried steak with mashed potatoes and sweet corn on the cob at Chilis and a Sausage Egg biscuit sandwich from Mc Donalds yesterday. I had to get my heart attack and fattening food considering the fact that the sun will melt whatever fat I have left and burn the calories without me even moving. Was on the phone much of this weekend and spent some time with some friends. I also went to Walmart and as I was walking through the aisle I was thinking to myself 'Chai so if I want to buy gummi bears does that mean i have to go to Sabo market?' Hmh...we have to find a solution. So Ndidi and Singto will be my official gummy bear suppliers. But on the flip side...NO WINTER just sweltering heat the way I like it.

Anyways wish me luck guys. If you have any great and interesting news story ideas/interview/contacts (including press) in the West Africa region or suggestions please pass them along. I am open to any angle; people, places, politics (please don't send me to one where they'll start to look for me abeg...my parents want grand kids to carry on their lap and since I will probably be having my first born at 40 it is not my time yet). You just never know where a great story will emerge from and who knows, your pitch could turn out to be the get that lands me my big break. Remember unless the lion gets his own story teller, the tale of the hunt will always glorify the hunter. Help me tell Africa's story.

I'll stay in touch through the blog of course because it is such an effort calling and emailing everybody. If you are on my IM you'll get my number in a weeks time. If you already have my 919 number it means you are supposed to have my new number so please send me a note if you don't it in a weeks time. Still keep my 919 number for when I do visit. It's been a ride and I truly appreciate each and everyone that I have met. Keep watching this space for more exciting news about 'Addy's Excellent Adventures in Africa', but first I will spend the next month chilling and relaxing. I'll post pictures too, especially from my trip to my village. I am sure you guys can't wait to see those since I talk about my village so much. Hopefully my battery won't die on me man because the nearest convenience store is quite a walk. Which reminds me....I should never wait till my tank is on empty because I can't just run into a gas station like I used to and hiking is not my forte so 'Mr. Future President;)' I'm coming for my jerrycan of petrol since you have so lost this bet. Ha ha!!

About Me

TALES AND COMMENTARY FROM A NIGERIAN-AMERICAN JOURNALIST ESCAPING THE RECESSION AND GLOBAL CREDIT CRUNCH IN THE CHAOS OF LAGOS AND DISCOVERING AFRICA IN THE PROCESS.
(Please note that certain content are highly embellished, reflect only the inner workings of my head and do not represent the views of any organization, past or present, to which I am affiliated. Dig?)