This Blog was Invented in Xi'an 5,000 Years Ago

Ranters Wanted

Would YOU be an alcoholic if only you could make it to the meetings? Do YOU possess the ability to have a really good rant whilst obeying the basic rules of grammar? If the answer to these questions is YES, then feel free to share your deepest, innermost thoughts with your friends here at MyLaowai.com

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 1, 2009 at 10:57 and is filed under Guest Post.
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Heineysaid

Been blocked for a while, Heiney. Ever since people started putting up that video showing Chinese security forces beating to death Tibetan monks and protesters in the anti-Chinese protests last year. It’s brutal stuff.

In the interests of ‘balance’, MyLaowai would like to point out that the Chinese Communist party denies that any such thing happened at all, as everybody is Tibet is very harmonious and happy. The problem is Evil And Hostile Western Anti-China Forces.

So yes, YouTube is blocked again here in China. The good news is that we at MLHQ have started hosting video directly on MyLaowai.com and WordPress is temporarily unblocked.

1) Wankers on expats site who use acronyms for their long-winded and childish handles.

2) ‘China consultants’ – any of them. Every one of them I’ve every been in a position to know about has been a lying, thieving piece of scum who I wouldn’t trust to look after a puppy, let alone my company’s future.

3) Ex-ex-pats. Bastards left the country but still harp on about their time over in that China.

4) Re-ex-pats. Bastards had a chance to get out of the country for good, but some how ended up back in ‘the suck’.

Meursaultsaid

There is a wonderful song called Brazil that has been sung by the likes of Frank Sinatra, Ary Boroso and Kate Bush. It tells a tale of two people meeting in a faraway land, two people who became enchanted with that land and who vowed to return one day.

…There’s one thing I’m certain of,
Return, I will, to old Brazil…

Notice the word “Brazil”, not “China”, because who in their right mind would want to return there after successfully escaping? Certainly not the family of Fujianese immigrants who cook up my chip and pie supper every Friday night, and certainly not I. Besides, who could write a song about returning to China? Nothing rhymes with “China”, except “miner”, and Chinese miners are in no position to return once they’ve been gassed to death and their families paid off.

Instead, I am spending my days in intense hypnotherapy, hoping that my counselling sessions can someday eradicate the memory of having spent my early twenties in China. Everything was going well until last Saturday when my hypnotherpist, upon hearing the results of the Grand National, shouted out “I hate to bet!” during one intense session. I unfortunately misheard it as “I hate Tibet” and have now become a rabid Han nationalist operating a campaign to bring down Western imperialism from my base in Clapham, South London.

So if you don’t like China, why don’t you go home? Uuuurrgh, you see? I knew I should have gone private.

Eric Havabysaid

“Do YOU possess the ability to have a really good rant whilst obeying the basic rules of grammar? If the answer to these questions is YES, then feel free to share your deepest, innermost thoughts with your friends here at MyLaowai.com”

@Meursault – Well, if you aren’t headed back, then it sure looks like I might be. I have three months until I’m almost certainly going to be faced with a choice between going on the dole or going overseas – and signing on just isn’t my bag.

justrecentlysaid

Not So Bittersaid

Number 46 is sexist, and wouldn’t have happened to you if you were planning on sticking around with the girl longer than a one-night stand.

The whole rant is racist, short-sighted, and unbelievably puerile.

No, you shouldn’t trust just anyone who brags about himself or his abilities in China. Just like you shouldn’t do that anywhere in the world. I think the big problem is that a lot of laowai are too lazy to do things themselves, i.e. learn the language, and thus entrap themselves in completely relying on the first person who comes along and can communicate with them.

Imagine a Chinese guy who moved to the US without speaking a word of English, and then trusted the first person who he could communicate with 100%. Of course he would get taken advantage of and cheated.

Haha, great post to read.. Having a not so busy day at work, and thought I’d check out your blog.. Even though I haven’t experienced everything that you mention as not to be trusted, but after being in china, I can imagine most of them…and that made me laugh! So thanks :-)

[…] on April 1st 2009 (not an entirely coincidental date), here for your enjoyment is a list I made of 50 things never to trust in China. Lists are great for writers as they require absolutely zero effort beyond figuring out how to […]