The Cynical Chronicles

Although we are black, white, atheist, libertarian, moderate, and liberal, we share one thing in common. Our scorn for the shallowness of humanity. Unlike some corpulent black bloggers and knee-jerk partisans who can't see beyond party affiliation, we will not delete or edit your posts. EVER. We are nonpartisan. If you have a good idea, we will honor it by letting it stay up and offer feedback. If you make a stupid posting, we will leave it for everyone to laugh at.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Update @ 1:01pm, 3/27/08: I noticed a misspelling last night and wanted to edit it. Thanks for the heads up.

Its now March 26th, 2008. I normally wouldn't have much to say about life in general on a wednesday because I wait until fridays to reflect, but something really has bothered the hell out of me today and I think now is a good a time as any to talk about it.

Some of you may know the name Zach Sowers, who, back in June 2007 was beaten when he was within seconds of entering the "safety" of his baltimore home by four youths. He was beaten, essentially, for his wallet, which the youths then used to go on a shopping spree for a few days. The beating left Sowers in a coma over the next few months, leaving his wife Anna as his main advocate for the resulting weeks.

Anna, who by my standards, is one of the strongest people I've ever read about, wanted someone to react to the savage beating that her husband took. She wanted to give a voice to Zack and get justice - to me, not only for him but for many others like him. As it was 2007 - and a contentious mayoral election year - her voice was heard, albeit briefly, by the main candidates of the time for Mayor, Keiffer Mitchell and Sheila Dixon. While the leadership of the city, by my standards, let a small yelp out for Anna, the community made large efforts to support her, sponsoring events to help her defray medical expenses for Zach.

As time progressed, unfortunately, the rage and disgust expressed by the law abiding citizens of the city diminished, and it became business as usual in harm city. Under the brilliant legal leadership of the State's Attorneys Office - quick to end any case which could result in them looking bad - the case was swept under the rug, over the cries of Anna and her supporters. Three of the four involved somehow in the beating were sent away for eight years. One was sentenced to (life with everything suspended but) forty years, but we all know how many people in this city serve the full sentence in this city.

I never knew Zach in any way, much like most citizens of Baltimore, except through the vivid memories of those who did know him. Still, I wonder what he would say about how quickly his beating was turned into another random occurrence. I wonder what he would say to those who more or less ruined the life of his wife, family, and friends - who, by all accounts describe him as a stand up guy that you'd want in your corner. Most importantly, I wonder what he would have said to those who inflicted the pain on him.

As time progressed since June, the chances of this question being answered diminished. However, on Tuesday March 25th the chance became zero as Zach Sowers died, silencing a voice which long went on deaf ears in Baltimore. When I read this, cynic in me felt relieved that, at least from a financial standpoint, Anna Sowers would no longer feel the financial burden placed on her by the four youths, and that Zach would finally have peace. Still, as someone who too has lost someone he loved, I know she would bear that burden a thousand times over, without question, to see Zach even for a minute.

In truly fitting fashion, the Baltimore Sun - which I lovingly refer to as the "Calvert Street TP factory" - embodied the dismissive nature that this city exercised on Zach, failing to even correctly cover the facts of the cases relating to him, and dismissing it with an afterthought:

"The date of the attack on Zach Sowers was misstated in an earlier version of this article online. Also, the status of Trayvon Ramos' case was misstated; because the case did not go to trial, no one testified against Ramos. The Sun regrets the errors."

As I write this today I can't help but feel utter disgust with the whole of the situation, and the whole of Baltimore. All too often, the leadership in this city tries to minimize the scope of violence in this city, isolating the violence to those who essentially "have it coming". No one makes this statement about Zach yet those who beat him essentially received slaps on the wrist as if he were.

But lets be honest: this is not the first time we've heard about this. It will not be the last, for that matter. More people will suffer due to lackluster leadership, a hesitance by those connected to the judiciary to do their jobs and keep us safe from those who mean to harm us. And, perhaps most devastating of all, we as a people - not as a race of people, but as a citizenry - will continue to blame the crime and not the criminal, essentially coddling those who care about nothing more than themselves and getting what they want by any means necessary. Blame whomever you want - society, the parents of the criminals, etc. - but it doesn't change the price that each of us pays for the horrible beast of our own creation in maryland.

Thinking about the whole of this, it isn't fair. No one deserved to face what Zach's family has since last June, and no one deserves it. But its just the way it is in Baltimore, and its how it will always be until someone does something.

Friday, January 11, 2008

CNN recently asked the question of its reader's that if they were elected President of the United States what would they do? Given the chance the people had some interesting yet unrealistic things to say. The major problem with being President of the U.S.A is that in order to get their you have to do a lot of selling out and just about any schmuck can do it.....

Case In Point.

Also most people forget the fact that the President has to go through congress and the senate to get a lot done. So then you have to kiss ass, play ball, lie, threaten, and probably blackmail the hell out of those assholes to get a bill through that by the end of day has so many riders and changes added to it you'll be lucky if they even keep an original word from draft you submitted.See being President only works when you have a bunch of like minded individuals behind you problem is they have their own agendas too, and if they are in the congress and senate there is a chance they could get voted out. Really being President sucks if you are the kind of goal oriented person that proves why the Private Sector will always have better employees than the Government.

No to get things done you would have to be a dictator or an emperor who had an iron grasp on the government he or she ran in order to get they wanted done as they specified it to be. But oh the dangers of being in such a position. First off every dictator and emperor is going to run into problems dealing with people outside his country, namely other countries that get freaked out someone who has the balls to hold an entire country under his will. That means you are probably willing to fuck with their country to make your will law when it comes to international issues, and at some point you will want to expand your empire. This means you will probably be at war. Second emperor's and dictators have the habit of being deposed by people close to them often children or a trusted lieutenant with to much power will strike you down so he or she can become the new ruler. So when hugging your kids at night remember one of them may one day look to oppose you......"So you intend to oppose me my son. Guards! Throw him to the seals!"Quote From The Last Emperor, Penguin.

So the do the risks out weigh the possible rewards of having your will made manifest over the desires of others so you could craft what you saw as an ideal society? Fuck Yes You Pussy! So I pose the question to you, what would you do as an emperor or dictator? What would your title be exactly, how would you rule, how would you come to power, what laws would you make, what would your legacy be? Post it up here and let us know.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

So I am reading some crap on CNN when I see a story about a woman who found her 19 year old son had booze in the passenger seat of his 1999 OLDS. While he claimed it wasn't his, which she said she believes she decided to sell his car because he broke one of the only two rules she set down for him when he got the car. Not only that she decided to put that as the reason she was selling it in the AD. Literally calling herself a mean and snoopy mom that needs to get a life. In the interview she said that she wanted to be a responsible parent and teach her son a lesson. She said she got a lot kudos from all sorts of people for doing this, and that she is just letting the AD run for another week to see the responses from people.....

(The AD)

"OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."

Oh alright you want a response do you. Okay Miss Jane Hambleton from Des Moines Iowa let's break down what you have just done and why someone should visit you sew up your vagina so you can't have children anymore since you don't know what the Hell you are doing.

1. Unrealistic expectations: First off any kid will say anything to get their first set of wheels. While your son was a dumb ass to agree to your terms you still should have known better that teenagers, especially those on the verge of being 21 are going to drink alcohol. Its a fact of life this USA is retarded in how it handles its drinking policy. Through an act of coercive federalism, Reagan tying highway funding to states raising the drinking ages, at once was a legal drinking age 18 was not illegal. I mean thank God someone figured out what age maturity strikes right! Instead of being half way realistic, or intelligent for that matter you have probably never sat down to speak with your son about responsible drinking. You have probably never told your son that if he where to get drunk he should call home or just stay where he is. You may be mad he got drunk, but you wouldn't get mad over him doing the right thing and being responsible and not driving. Better yet if he does drink to do so in moderation. Nope you probably thought you do that little speech when he turned 21 which is already to late dip shit. If you are waiting till someone is 21 to tell them about drinking then you just fucked up.

2. You're a hypocrite! At 19 you were probably drinking, smoking pot and smoking some guy's pole other than your husbands. Yes back when you were 19 you probably did some dumb shit to, though I can only wonder if your parents were just as "mean."

3. You are an arrogant fraud! You are not the meanest mom, because if you did in fact learn your style of "mean" from your parents then you merely ripped off the original "meanest mom" in the world. That's right you have committed an act of plagiarism by imitating your parents and not giving credit. Come to think of it the meanest mom in the world would have to be Genghis's Khan's mother who told him to go and take revenge on the world, any woman who could raise a man that pissed off at everybody is the meanest mom so take a hike.

4. You have actually broken the law and violated your son's civil rights. First you gave the car to him making it his rightful property. Being 19 he is seen as an adult in the eyes of the law, regardless of what you think of him. As such he is entitled to the privacy afforded an adult under the law. You giving ownership to your son of the car, gave up your right of ownership. After all it was "his" car. That means you no longer have a reasonable right or expectation that you can search the vehicle as you please. The alcohol was under the seat not in plain sight, so discovery of it required searching which you neither had a right or court ordered warrant to do so. So you violated your son's civil right to privacy which is implied in the 9th amendment established by such Supreme Court Cases like Roe V. Wade. Also in your search you committed criminal trespass not to mention when you sold his car took something you rightfully gave to him. That spells Grand Theft Auto and the fact that you sold it means you sold stolen goods another crime. I know what you are thinking that your his mom and thats all the right you need. Wrong! At 18 the law also considers him legally emancipated from you, your parental right to invade his privacy ended on his birthday, or should have.

5. You promote drunk driving! Because you said you believe your son when he said it was not his, that must mean the person he drove home was drinking and probably legally intoxicated. That means your son was acting as a designated driver, and probably stored the alcohol under his seat to the passanger wouldn't make their intoxication worse. Now that your son can no longer drive in the future he cannot act as DD, Designated Drive, which means in the future someone who shouldn't be driving will. Congratulations you have just promoted drunk driving, and possibly manslaughter if that drunk driving hits and kills someone. Feeling good about your self yet?

6. You went from reasonable punishment to attention whore! Look punishing your son for having booze in his car is one thing. There are plenty of ways to punish someone without completely emasculating someone internationally, this story did hit CNN, and to make sure the point gets across. Going overboard means there is a good chance the lesson in this will fly right over his head because you went overboard in his head. Selling the car was enough. The pronouncement in the AD not so much. But to top it off you are running it an extra week because you want to see the response it will get. Okay stop, I know the sudden attention is nice but its at the expense of teaching a valuable lesson to your son. Also I am sure you son does not like being made a laughingstock in front of the whole world, no one does. Not having a car was bad enough, this was overkill and pointless. The next time he has a tough choice to make involving right and wrong and something you told him not to do. Instead of taking from a valuable lesson you could have taught him, he may just think "Time to get even and get one over on mom!" But I hope your 15 minutes of fame felt good, because honestly how could you be that great a parent that everyone tells you are if your son had the balls to disobey you in the first place. It just went from being about what he did to being about how much limelight your fat ass could suck up.

So in closing it raise a toast to your son:

Kid, some days the dog gets you, some days you'll get the dog. But some day you'll have enough money and you won't need that old hog! I'm talking about that OLDS you were driving your mom is just a bitch dude.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

To be honest there are only a few things in my life that I can truly say I care about right at this moment. I really don't worry all that much about trends, girlfriends, MTV and the ten thousand other minute details that clutter the lives of most human beings. I have friends who jizz themselves when things like the I-Phone come out, I have others who sweat what other people think about them, worst of all I know more than enough people who think they know "what its all about." I have no idea "what its all about" means nor do I give a damn, and goes for the rest of the stuff that rolls in front of me like a tumbleweed made out of shit.

That alone is not enough to get me to tell someone to fist themselves with a bunch of H.I.V infected needles. Its when people decide to start contrasting my life with theirs and pretend to know my life as if they walked in my shoes. In fact the minute I hear someone start telling me about how to live my life or what I should be doing, its almost like a hideous animated version of that person, complete in all their flaws with the needed exaggerations to accent how much I hate them at that very moment.

For example I have one friend who despite relying on his parents and being a seven year freshman in college tries to play philosopher and shrink with me when he starts drinking. He tells me to sit back and smell the roses, which must smell fucking awesome since he has never bothered to come out of the rose bushes and get on the road of life. Topping it off in the past were his speeches about how good relationships are right before I stopped hanging out with him because his girlfriend doesn't like him having fun by himself. No this horrible hawk nosed bitch hovers over everything he does, seeing her die by a pack rabid badgers would be letting this creepy bitch off the hook easy.

I have others I could march out like Jerry Lewis does with the kids in his telethons but picking apart these crippled human beings is like kicking a paraplegic person down the street till both my wonderful working feet got tired. More importantly I realized for myself just what it was all these poor suckers have in common.

Like most people they have bought into their own hype way to much, their continued creep towards hypocrisies and blissful acceptance of mediocrity chip away at the value of their humanity and friendship like the barbarians chipped away at the power of the Roman Empire. I'm not saying I am perfect, but I know who and what I am. I stopped taking myself seriously a long time ago and when I do see myself taking a turn I don't like I do try to change. I just don't give up on steering myself where I want to go by putting my life on cruise control. I think that really is the worst when someone just flicks the switch off in their head and dives head first into the life of vanity and ignorance that accommodates the surrender of any shred of personal responsibility or desire to at least shot for being a decent human being.

This just doesn't apply to young people, but goes all the way up the age scale from toddler to codger. I have watched retail managers except beat up stolen goods to exchange for new goods in better condition. I have watched older men and women who look like they should understand what it means to be genteel since they dress that way, talk that way and try to get people believe they act that way; turn around and treat someone as if they just got off a slave ship because they were a name badge at a department store. I even had a professor tell me that at an international U.N. simulation to keep my mouth shut because my female partner who new dick about what we were doing other than it was a free trip outside the USA take lead because of her social ability to make most guys think the had a shot of getting a blow job from her. That one took the cake, my tuition paid that fuck's salary and I had to put up with bullshit from working into a department store to pay part of my way through college to have him turn around and not even have the tact to phrase it another way. It treated a lot of his students like shit that year because his wife was crushing him in a divorce and since he couldn't fight back at her he would take it out on his students. I carry myself with pride because I have never quit on anything I honestly set out to do and I have never let anyone try and tell me how far I could go. By the end of that conference I had managed to represent my client nation's interest better than she did with her client nation. On top of that I had actually made better friends with the committee people than she did and through a series of quick deals and subtle manipulations had gotten her to turn into a super bitch and had her removed from the proceedings. When my professor pulled me aside and demanded an answer for my actions I simply repeated what he said to me when he told me to take a back seat to idiot. "Grey Fox I want you to let her take lead. She is better than you, she can socially go places you cannot and you are to assist her nothing more." I then just looked at him. I walked away with a C- in the class but I'd rather have that then an A I earned by rolling over and taking up the ass because some told me to.

When it all comes down to it, I find that most people are an obstacle because they choose to be this way. I am not looking to rule the world, I just want my little slice of it for the time I have on this earth. When some denies me that, thats when they need to go fuck themselves.

Friday, December 28, 2007

If one word could capture a full range of emotions like Robert Dinero can capture any emotion in just one look it would have to be the word "Fuck." Examples abound "Fucking-A," "This is fucking bullshit," "Oh fuck," or new spliced up words like "un-fucking-believable," and "fan-fucking-tastic." Literally the creative mind can abound in little fucking moments of Albert-Fucking-Einsteinesque brilliance when coming up with ways to use Fuck in a sentence.

She's a fucking oxygen thief.He's in fucking jail.She can't act to save her fucking life.

Sure the word Fuck can be absolutely written off as a vulgar word having no place in civil conversation. The kind of toilet boil vocabulary left to comedians, guy's who get their dick stuck in their fly while zipping up, and the poor bastard that finds out his girlfriend is pregnant...with twins. But the F-word, well it has its place in fucking history. Yeah that's right I looked into the birth of the F-word and now you are going to have read something that's actually fucking educational! It seems that no one really knows where the word fuck came from. Like mana from heaven and positraction its seemingly always been there. The closest word I could find to be origin word in terms of its verbal entomology comes from the German language. Fritchen is German for Friction and it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to here how close the words Friction and Fuck can sound. In fact if you are fucking there should definitely be some friction occurring. It wouldn't take long for some ear untrained in German to bastardize the word and have the F-Word born out as an offshoot. Of course that is not totally satisfying answer that is clear cut proof of where the F-Word came from. I wasn't fucking satisfied with my initial research and neither should you. That's why I dug a bit deeper:

The Battle Of Hastings

Look at those fucking French pussies retreat!

I'll assume most of you slept through history class and go into convulsions when you find the History Channel on TV for more than 3 minutes. What you need to know is that the French and English really despised each other and their nobility constantly sought to take each other's lands and country's over. Hastings turned out to be turning point in deciding whether France or England would have the most sway over cultural development and all things good and fucking grand. The French and English thought differently on everything, including what is honorable on a battlefield and what was not. For example the French despised the English Longbow. They thought it took all the honor out of war, its range, destructive power and ease of production lead to high French casualties and cut down on the Knight on Knight sword fighting action. After a volley from a group of longbows many a French knight would find themselves, wounded on their back and unable to get up because full plate armor is fucking heavy. The English would send out guys with knives and short swords to finish them off, this was straight up simple killing there was no grand duel of honor here. The French hated it and wished to see the longbow off the battlefield, so they turned to the honorable old art of torture. After capturing groups of English Archers from other battles the French would cut off the plucking fingers, the fingers used to draw and fire the longbow, and send them back to the English lines to tell other practitioners of the longbow to pack up and go home. This did not have the intended effect...

After an astounding defeat of the French at Hastings, archers using the the longbow rushed to the front lines as the French retreated. Holding up their plucking fingers, the pointer and middle finger, they began to shout "Pluck You!" Now from a great distance the chant of "Pluck You!" got a little garbled and sounded like "Fuck You!" And if you need me to paint you a fucking picture from a distance the upheld plucking fingers of the archers looked like they were just holding up their middle finger. Viola the word Fuck and The Finger are born on the same day, and guess what they are twins!

Returning From The Crusades

This English knight's wife is probably fucking some other nobleman who's daddy got him out of the draft.

It seems a sad but time honored tradition that when the call of duty goes out men answer it and go off to war, or sit in line at the video game store to buy Call Of Duty. It also seems that cheating on your husband while he is away at war has been going on as long as war. Same happened during the Crusades. While knights from around Western civilization went to fight in the "Holy Land" so we could a worship in the most miserable place on earth and not have to wear fucking turbans some of their wives couldn't keep it in their pants. Actually to be more accurate they couldn't keep it out of their pants. I mean the Crusades went on for a long fucking time, probably as long as that boring history class you slept through. So at some point whether or not a woman thought her husband was dead she needed a dick like the Dark Ages needed the plague. So dirty little romantic trysts started popping up wherever a noble husband had gone off to war and his wife just couldn't take another dickless night alone. But not all nobles and men went off to war, some stayed behind to "protect" the country, National Guard sound familiar? So they noticed they target rich environment and helped themselves to other men's wives. Sadly all good things come to an end on the Crusades and the sex gravy train came to halt. Now keep in mind there was no Western Union for a knight to tell his wife he was coming home and dinner had better be on the fucking table. Also there was no scheduled departure dates you pretty much got home when you could and the speed of doing that varied greatly. Most of the time the returning knights showed up without warning. This meant that some battle and travel weary knight could come limping home and find his wife in bed with another man, the snickering of servants would reach his ear, and of course the wife would just get to attached to a dick other than her husbands and when that happens women can't hide their cheating if they had a black ball and threw it into the deepest darkest cave you could find. Not only did this spell doom for the marriage but it was also a crime. Under ancient English law it was called Fornification Under Carnal Knowledge. Meaning that it was known to the wife and her lover undercover that they were violating the pact of marriage because the husband was the only man who should have carnal knowledge of his wife and that the cheaters in question new a valid marriage existing. If found guilty the wife could be divorced, the marriage annulled, and the other man in the torrid affair would have to make some sort of financial restitution. Since a lot of knights went away to the Crusades you can bet your ass their were a lot of these cases being brought before judicial system. Just like in olden days the legal dockets were a mess, and it took forever to try these cases, and when calling the charges in court the poor bailiff probably had a sore jaw from saying "The court is hearing the case of Fornification Under Carnal Knowledge against...."

Well the legal world loves acronyms and getting the show on the road, after all the judges have something better to do like hunting, drinking or tormenting first year lawyers. So some brilliant bailiff who legend has it was Irish wanted to speed things up so he could go and get drunk at the pub sooner decided to cut down Fornifcation Under Carnal Knowledge to F.U.C.K. This explains why we also denote Fuck as a sexual term, and I am pretty sure that men being caught by pissed off returning Crusader would probably exclaim "Oh Fuck" in the future. Here is how it would probably sound in that old courtroom.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I promise I will be back with a vengeance in the new year for all the stupid shit I have seen go down on my watch. If I know you or have seen you party to this jackassery you are on notice bitches.....

Thursday, November 8, 2007

I've recently been between rants on a lot of things. The struggle with living up with the title I've given myself - The Baltimore Cynic - is that it can be hard to live up to the title. With so few hours in the day, is it possible to scribe your contempt for so many things in so little time? Unfortunately I have failed to some extent because I haven't really articulated my disgust recently.

In the process of searching for a good topic to write about I found myself asking why I haven't been able to explain my disgust. And I think I found it. Honestly - the issue is not one person, racism, or anything like that. The issue, my fellow cynics, is people.

In the past I've expressed contempt for a student who was unacceptably rude. The fact is that this is something bred by academia, which was bolstered by people. The first recipient of a PhD, the first law student, and the first doctor weren't told to treat people in such a manner. Yet, remarkably, this mentality has infiltrated the world.

I complained in the past about the corrupt politicians who do anything and everything to further their interests. Many people I would consider friends can blame this on corrupt parties that allow such travesties to occur. However, the fact is people vote for these people. People support these policies by voting out effective politicians in favor of those with a catchy tune. As much as I dislike how dishonest people like Martin O'Malley and Sheila Dixon for being photo-opportunistic liars and cheats, the people apparently support them. So perhaps I can't blame them for playing the game better than most.

Finally, one of the biggest sources of ire is crime in Baltimore, my former stomping ground. Although crime here is a dismal issue I encounter on a nearly daily basis, I believe that if the people here were genuinely concerned about it then it wouldn't be an issue here. However, I suppose that they don't want to support tough decisions like holding criminals accountable for their actions.

In essence, as frustrated as I am with the current state of things in my city, my state, and indeed, my world, it is not appropriate to incorrectly assign blame. As such, I'll blame the 99.9% of those who make our world as terrible as it is. As time passes, I'll posts more examples of those that do and don't fit into this description.