Monday, August 20, 2007

I don't think I have ever posted a blog entry here for the sake of a rant without adding a picture to it...but today is the day.

Earlier today a friend of mine shared with me a link in which someone in my 30-35 age group extolled that Hollywood should make a live action Thundercats movie and the top ten reasons why it would kick ever-loving ass. Seriously. Thundercats. top ten reasons. ever-loving ass. The whole idea of that is completely retarded.

Now let me lay some disclaimers down before you start giving me the stink eye. First, I consider myself a huge dork. Second, I loved watching Thundercats as a kid...I really did. Third, regardless of how un PC you might think it is... calling it completely retarded is the best I could come up with. Cause it is...completely...retarded. And with that in mind...I present the Top Ten reasons why Hollywood should, under no circumstances, make a live action Thundercats movie.

10. Thundercats is not set on Earth. Thundercats is set in an poorly defined post apocalypic/quasi-futuristic/magical place called THIRD Earth. Assuming that the Earth where product placements can be made by snarky young actors is FIRST Earth...this shit is set two fucking earth's away from that. No 80's cartoon remake starring real people would take place somewhere that pop culture references could not take place. Hollywood would feel compelled to drag the Thundercats to our world...if only for the 'obvious' hilarity that would 'obviously' ensue.

9. There are no people in Thundercats. There are Thundercats, Mutants, Snarfs, Lunatiks, Amazons, Wollows, Bolkens and whatever the hell Mumm-Ra is. But there are no people. No people means no one for the audience to identify with. And Hollywood requires that there be at least one (or two, for hilarious romantic involvement purposes only) real 21st century American people in a movie. The closest Thundercats comes to that is Hachiman. The least said about that guy, the better.

8. Ro-bear Burbles. Thundercats finally answers the question of what would the mutant offspring of Daggit and the Ewoks would look like.

7. Lion-O is really only like 11 years old. Try convincing Jake Gillenhall or whoever to slap on the orange and cream colored body paint knowing that is he is essentially playing a tweener kitten thing.

6. Thundercats has a seriously weird back story that makes very little sense. Even for afternoon cartoons from the 80s Thundercats is seriously fucked up. The Thundercats are six survivors of a world blown up by a race of other mutant animals that chase them across the universe for some reason only to land on the trippiest planet in the universe and piss off the baddest mummified evil dude ever. I think. It has been awhile. But seriously...what? That can't even be sung in a cool opening theme song. And what did the Thundercats ever do to Mumm-Ra any way? Is it just that he is old and wants them to get off his lawn? (yeah I know he wants the Sword of Omens...or Eye of Thundera...or whatever...but still...WTF?)

5. The Sword of Omens is bullshit. What is the plot of any Thundercats episode? Lion-O meets something fucked up. Evil dudes attack Lion-O. Snarf prances around. All is lost...and then WHAMMO...cue Sword of Omens! Big Eye of Thundera Bat symbol. Eyes all light up. Theme music plays. Everyone gets in the tank. Lion-O and friends fuck shit up. End of episode. What the hell is IN that Sword of Omens?!?!? Why the Hell didn't Lion-O's dad use the Sword of Omens to get a planet full of Thundercats into a tank to fuck shit up when the mutants where blowing up there homeworld? Seriously...That is total bullshit.

4. Mumm-Ra is the worst villain ever. Oh, bring on the hate now. Mumm-Ra, the all powerful demonic wizard and self proclaimed ever living source of evil powered by not one but four ancient spirits of darkness is a total loser. For one, the bitch is completely invulnerable. he can fly, has superhuman strength, can cast spells, throw energy bolts. And yet, for all that might he wields he rules jack and squat. Before the Mutants showed up he didn't even have any lackeys. He had a crusty blue bulldog...and that was it. Mumm-Ra is, was and always will be a total slacker. Before the Thundercats showed up he should have been ruling Third Earth. It was only populated by sheep people and robot teddybears for Christ's sake. He is old. He is past his prime. He hides in his pyramid in the middle of the desert. He is a sad excuse for an arch nemesis. It is somewhat appropriate however that the main villain of an 11 year old cat boy is a crusty old man that only wants to get a hold of the kid's sword.

3. Thundercats are furries. Sure I've popped an adolescent boner to the idea of Cheetara naked...what guy my age hasn't. But it is slippery slope my friend. One minute you are a young man cranking on out to an anthropomorphic Cheetah girl and then twenty years later you are neck deep in a furry pile getting a 'tocks rub from a sweaty overweight girl in a fox costume. Lets not doom another generation. And you know...speaking of Cheetara...

2. The only real reason anyone wants to see a Thundercats movie is fulfill whatever sick Cheetara fantasy they are still secretly clinging to. Yes, she was an animated hotty. Possibly your first. But it is time to let go. Cheetara suffers from Smurfette syndrome. Face facts...there was only one chick Thundercat (of age you sicko). Cheetara got around to Panthro, Tigra (actually not Tigra...he definitely batted for the other team) and even 11 year old Lion-O. You know what I am saying. This isn't transforming robots we are talking about here. This is about survival of the SPECIES. That is why guys still cling to a half baked idea as bad as Thundercats was. Cheetara is why we even still remember Thundercats. But seriously...let it go. Most of us are married with kids by now. We will never be caught in a malfunctioning status pod, wake up a 24 year old stud and have to make it with our dad's super hot cheetah friend for the good of the species. Once you face the facts you have to admit I'm right. Without the Cheetara fantasy fueling it...there is really no reason to make a live action Thundercats movie.

1. Snarf. Poor man's retard cat version of Orko if he was raped by the Smurfs. Enough said.