September 21, 2007

New Penalties for Professional Football

Holding. Clipping. Pass interference.

Yawn.

The game needs to be spiced up. I propose drowning it in tasty illegalities; so that American professional football becomes as salacious as a tabloid photograph of cellulite on the hideous be-thonged ass of American celebrity.

Here are my proposed penalties to add to the pantheon of football transgression, complete with suggested consequences.

1. Prancing - 10 yards

2. Unnecessary Flatulence - 5 yards, must carry lit match behind ass for the next play

3. Downfield Knitting - 5 yards, confiscation of needles

4. Excessive Butt Patting - 7 minutes in heaven

5. Attempted Homicide - 15 yards, loss of down

6. Being European - 8 meters, penalty kick (Note: does not apply to the British)