After all this time together, his raging, evil, twisted, latent monster surfaced and left me in total shock! Talking about it to anyone will only make my nightmare worse if he finds out, so I am venting here, anonymously. I have to have somewhere to let it out. I now know he is a narcissist, but what else? bipolar? schizoid? psychotic? schizophrenic? some other mental disorder? I hope someone can help me answer this and find a way to get me out of here!.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

What I feel like I need.

What I feel like I need right now may not be logical, but it is where my mind is at right now. What I don't need is to feel like anyone that is trying to help is actually trying to further control me. It may not be what is intended, but on this end, the help offered often feels to those of us in an abusive situation, like we are simply switching controllers. It's hard. At this point, we have nothing left, no way out, no trust left in anyone, and are way over cautious. It feels like those that do step in to help are taking advantage of our situation to have their turn at controlling how we live our lives. We need out, but it is hard to let anyone help.

In an ideal world, what I feel like I need right now (I said ideal world) is a piece of land (5 to 10 acres, maybe), this old travel trailer sitting here moved to it with the few little repairs it needs done, temporary but secure pens put up for my critters (cats, dogs, chickens, couple of little goats, ducks, guineas, rabbit, ), a giant truck to move the mountain of my belonging that did get moved here from my flooded, illegally foreclosed house last winter (it was a farm with 4 storage buildings full) - put all piled on pallets covered over with tarps and let me start sorting, deciding and carving my life back out again. (I have supplies for more than one business in the piles of belongings that were dumped here in piles. Oh, and of course, a team of helping hands and someone to drive that truck. That would be pure heaven right now! Electric isn't even a priority right now so long as I can get out of here, but a well would be nice. So would transportation. And I would love to share that kind of place with a couple of other women trying to get out of a similar situation and want to keep their pets, belongings, kids, etc all together.

Okay, I am rambling again. I just need a good, hopeful thought to hold in my head to help me get through these days that are escalating faster and harder out of control. Thanks for stopping in and listening. He is saying he is going to ban me from the Internet, so I hope I can get back on here.