This LiveJournal revival only makes me think of Krystal. She lives here. I can avoid her absence everywhere else but not here. Here or on AIM if AIM was a thing anymore. Could you have imagined in 1999 that AIM would be dead ?????? This journal has existed since August of 2001. I was 25. I was lonely , and this place gave me sanctuary. Reading that first years entries are like finding someone else's diary , a weird sad weirdo who never liked letting go and enjoyed the torture. At 40 ( about to be 41...fuck!) , I jump at the chance to be alone and cut people out of my life !!!! Poop. Oh yep there it is . I thought of her just now. Tillytollo I miss you.

Today was my last day of work for 2 weeks. We were supposed to be leaving for vacation on Tuesday but with her mom like this we had to cancel.Today started out bad because Erica ordered some new appliances for her moms place which were being delivered today. This sent her mom into a tizzy.She was freaking out because she doesn't want her crazy nest of trash disturbed. She wanted to go with Erica ...oxygen tank and all to supervise. Little does she know we cleaned up a lot of her place already, she's going to freak out.So she then starts bitching to me about Erica. She says she will never give her power of attorney because then e will throw all of her things out.Her garbage is her life.She cares about it more than her children.And ps you don't need power of attorney to throw out garbage.I can't take it.Currently I'm terrified.I'm afraid to be home alone here with her cuz what if something happens :(So I'm hiding in bed while Erica is at hockey practice. Mary has been sleeping all day and I'm quite scared that she doesn't have much time left, she has that look about her.If you've ever watched some close to dying you know what I mean.

Today I went to Zumba and then to Tim hortons. I'm obsessed with TH. But today they die. I never really order food but I was ravenous ...So I got the tomato and cheese and bacon panini.When I got to my home it looked like hot chicken salad and smelled like cat food.No.I threw it out and then had to eat trader joes version of spaghetti ohs.Which I don't like.Grrrrrrrranimals.So I took the mini to wash it it looks so pretty.Want to see a pic of her???

Dear almost 4 am, really???My brain is going to explode.About 2 weeks ago Ericas mom found a lump under her arm. She had breast cancer and partial mastectomy and chemo last year. Actually her last chemo was in January of this year.So she has this lump biopsied and it's recurrent breast cancer.Great. If only that was it.She had a cat scan last week and it's everywhere. Brain, liver,lymph,lungs and spleen.Stage 4.Yeah remember how her dad just died in April?It's absolutely terrible.I feel crazy and upset and like I want to run away screaming.Her mom isn't normal , mental illness ...so it makes it a million times harder. She can't live with us or Erica will "hang herself". She won't let us move her out of her hoarder nest into an apt near us.So we are driving an hour back and forth with her to appointments.I'm certain that if any home health care or EMS had to be called to her house they would have it condemned and put her in a facility. So now we have to go clean up her shit AGAIN.How is on person so destructive ? Why Fo you throw shit on the floor and never pick it up?Ugh.And here is the cycle...we feel sad.We feel bad. We want to kill her.We feel guilty.It's a rollercoaster to doomsville.

Tommorrow we take her to the doctors, hopefully know the plan.Then we have to drive to Ohio to do some things at her dads house to get ready to sell it.This weekend sucks!To make it a slight bit better I'm getting in the jacuzzi with an entire bottle of wine.Thank you very much.

My coworker had her baby yesterday and he had more hair than me!!!I held him and wondered what it would have felt like to hold my nephew Sam. I miss that tiny baby.

I feel like I've gone back in time since kellwood has come back to lj!! Seeing all the old folks pop up on her comments it's like 2001 again lol.Oh I miss tillytollo and her witty comments.It never goes away.

i just turned 36 !!!having brunch with my good friend and fellow ljer this morning and when i told her i was missing my youth she said go read your livejournal...you will get over it quick!ha.so true. ahh the bittersweet memories.life is good. kinda ready for a vaca tho.ericas parents have been sick over the past 6 months so most of our free weekends were not really free.again....youth where did you go ???just having the time to connect to my thoughts and emotions is a thing of the past.being creative comes easy but focusing that and channeling it into anything never seems to happen.i blame life stealing life.i never reflect on the day or hell the month.sometimes its just that i have grown up and out of my single self.my life isnt just about me and my thoughts anymore.but i think i need just a little of that. i start to feel disconnected from me.

music is going good. learning some new tunes tonight.work is good. and worky.

i miss my friend kellie. but i dont know if i miss her or how we were in the past.we arent that anymore. and by noones fault.she send me an awesome bday card and i cried lol.

fallenyour black beneath the shadowcast on you brokenstuggling to hide forgotten by a mother to far away to reach you i want to save you but im scared to get to closei left you in dangerhow could i ignore ?silence cant quiet your screamsi hear them a million miles awayi dont know if you will fly or fallsuffering one way or anotherif i put my hands upon you my touch could kill such delicate deathi saw you plead with your eyesmy breaking heart falling thru timei couldnt fix you but this one i could save.

I'm sick. Been trapped in the house for days. And guess what? We don't have cable television and I have gone quite mad.Ahem.However I just read an article about how the album Boys for Pele by Tori Amos is 15 years old...holy fuck...and how it changed this girls life.That album to this day can take me back to a very weird and dark time in my life.I was single.Which I had been most of my life. I didn't really connect that way with humans back then.Sure I had boy crushes. One of which I follow on Facebook and WOW did I dodge a bullet. Yikes.It never crossed my mind to question my sexuality. I will admit I am not always self aware.Anyways this was singleness after a relationship. I was not ever in love with Jason. But being with him caused a crazy tornado in my heart and guts. The aftermath left me writing some of the most fucked up things to ever meet a piece of paper. Yes LJ there was life before you :) I wish I had transferred some of that on to my laptop but they are clearly in a box in the basement labeled "Save in a Fire" along with every birthday card, holy communion, and get well wishes I had ever received. EVER. My gf thinks I am insane. Yep its too much work to go look for it. The way I felt after being with him was vile. I felt dirty. I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to throw up all the bad feelings. It just felt so wrong.Still not questioning my sexuality...ok maybe a little but just a tiny bit.I remember laying face down on my bedroom floor with Boys for Pele on LOUD. I liked the way the vibrations felt. One song in particular made me think of him.

Putting the Damage on.

I'm trying not to moveIt's just your ghostPassing throughI said I'm trying not to moveIt's just your ghost passing throughIt's just your ghostPassing throughAnd nowI'm quite sureThere's a light in you platoonI never seen a light moveLIke yoursCan do to MeSo now I'm wishingFor my best impressionof my best Angie DickinsonBut now I've got to worryCause boy you still look prettyTo meBut I've got a place to goI've got a ticket to your late showAnd now I'm worrying cause even stillYou sure are prettyWhen you're putting the damage onYesWhen you're putting the damage onYou're just so prettyWhen you're putting the damage on

...its just your ghost passing through.Wow. Jason died in 2001. Those words mean somthing totally different to me now.

The album was just pure and raw. Exactly how I was feeling at that time.15 years is a lifetime ago. And yet its sitting here in my living room right this moment.

7 years ago i lost one of my dearest friends.krystal died on sept 6 2003.i didnt find out till the 8th.i was out of town at a wedding.i remember feeling so guilty that i was at a wedding literally while my friend died.:(some years its easy...to just note time passing.this year was not one of those.i spent most of monday in tears.so much has changed.and i ache to share it with her.i miss her.and i wish she was only a plane ride away.it used to see so far.but what i wouldnt give to have those 2000 miles back.:(