JP Morgan Has the Nerve to Be Surprised

JP Morgan decided they needed to reach the young'uns, so they stupidly launched a Twitter chat, which is like dangling a gimpy lamb in front of a rabid pack of Cerberi.

The DOJ settled with JP Morgan for $13B in fines for monetizing everyone's lives and then setting it all on fire. The underlings cheered. But that's like that fee you got a few months ago for making a late credit card payment (to JP Morgan, coincidentally). You already forgot about it.

JP Morgan swindles people out of money like they put their Gucci slippers on in the morning. It's just a routine. By the time they're in the marbled dual-head shower, they've already done it again because they forgot they did it earlier. It's like a pothead smoking a joint 10 minutes after he smoked a joint to get ready for [any hipster sport] practice. He forgot he smoked the joint so he smokes another one.

JP Morgan just strode out into Twitter like some asshole that never called you after that one night, swaggering into the same bar, talking you up like you've never met. Because as far as they're concerned, you never have.