About This Site

You can contact YBOP admins here, but you must first create an account. Please do not ask YBOP admins questions specific to your situation. YBOP does not diagnose or provide medical or sexual advice.

This site is secular, although everyone's views are welcome. It is primarily science-based, and no one here is trying to ban porn. This is not a commercial site: we accept no ads, and the proceeds from the book go to a UK registered charity that promotes education and research on porn's effects. We created the site because we don’t like people suffering needlessly simply because they lack critical information for improving their circumstances themselves.

This site focuses on porn’s effects on the brain—male or female. However, since this has been predominantly a male challenge (and the self-reports are overwhelmingly from men), the site has a definite male slant. However, addiction is addiction, and more females are starting to report Internet porn problems. If you are female, you may want to see Articles of Special Interest to Women.

Although we don’t offer a structured program, we do share suggestions as to how others have reversed the unwanted effects of heavy porn use.

This site will help you understand exactly how today’s extreme Internet porn can alter the brain. Armed with that knowledge, you’ll realize that some primitive circuitry in your brain is just trying to do its job when it pushes you toward porn. And you’ll see how to outsmart it and restore your balance.

This site grew out of 15 years of research analysis on the effects of sex on the brain, and nine years of listening to recovering porn addicts. There’s a vacuum of critically important information about porn's effects on the brain. It is lost in the gulf that exists between the folks who see porn use as immoral, and the mainstream who sees Internet porn as no different from Dad’s Playboy magazines.

In our view, porn use isn’t a moral issue. Yet, to the human brain, Internet porn is as different from erotic magazines as “World of Warcraft” is from checkers. The ability of this unique supernormal stimulus to alter the brain has major implications for the user (especially during adolescence).

You can start anywhere on the site, but it's important to understand your predicament. To get the basics, watch the series Your Brain On Porn, or read the overview on the front page. Next you may want to continue to "Articles" or "Videos" from the list below (which are the menu items at the top of the page).

It's great to see so many visitors bounce back as they integrate the information here. Once they understand their options, they steer for the results they want. As we say, “Balance, not perfection, is the goal.” No one here cares what you do with your genitals. We do care that you are accurately informed about your brain. Welcome.

What is YBOP claiming?

Internet porn addiction exists.

All addictions entail a constellation of shared fundamental brain changes, which have been documented in both substance and chemical addictions, and which are reflected in a specific set of signs, symptoms and behaviors.

Porn-induced sexual dysfunctions exist.

Internet porn is inducing morphing sexual tastes in some users.

Internet porn is exacerbating or inducing various other symptoms (loss of attraction to real partners, social anxiety, depression, brain fog, lack of motivation, emotional numbness, withdrawal symptoms, etc.) in some users.

Many who give up Internet porn often notice gradual improvement in items 3-5. The only variable they appear to have in common is Internet porn use.

Intense arousal has the power to condition sexuality, particularly adolescent sexuality, as a matter of neuroscience.

And yet YBOP was created because anecdotal and clinical evidence pointed to a new phenomenon. The following pages contain about 4,500 first-person accounts of men giving up porn and healing sexual problems (ED, anorgasmia, low libido, morphing sexual tastes, etc.):

In addition, to the above studies, this page contains articles and videos by over 100 experts (urology professors, urologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, sexologists, MDs) who acknowledge and have successfully treated porn-induced ED and porn-induced loss of sexual desire. In fact, porn-induced ED was presented at the American Urologic Association Conference, May 6-10, 2016: Part 1,Part 2,Part 3, Part 4.

"Given some similarities between CSB and drug addictions, interventions effective for addictions may hold promise for CSB, thus providing insight into future research directions to investigate this possibility directly."

"Overlapping features exist between CSB and substance use disorders. Common neurotransmitter systems may contribute to CSB and substance use disorders, and recent neuroimaging studies highlight similarities relating to craving and attentional biases."

"Taken together, the evidence seems to imply that alterations in the frontal lobe, amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus, septum, and brain regions that process reward play a prominent role in the emergence of hypersexuality. Genetic studies and neuropharmacological treatment approaches point at an involvement of the dopaminergic system."

By US Navy doctors: Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports (2016). It’s an extensive review of the literature on porn-induced sexual problems. The review provides the latest data revealing a tremendous rise in youthful sexual problems. The paper also examines the neurological studies related to porn addiction and sexual conditioning. The doctors provide 3 clinical reports of men who developed porn-induced sexual dysfunctions.

"In the last two decades, several studies with neuroscientific approaches, especially functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), were conducted to explore the neural correlates of watching pornography under experimental conditions and the neural correlates of excessive pornography use. Given previous results, excessive pornography consumption can be connected to already known neurobiological mechanisms underlying the development of substance-related addictions."

"Research into the neurobiology of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder has generated findings relating to attentional biases, incentive salience attributions, and brain-based cue reactivity that suggest substantial similarities with addictions. We believe that classification of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder as an addictive disorder is consistent with recent data and might benefit clinicians, researchers, and individuals suffering from and personally affected by this disorder."

In addition to the 13 reviews of the literature, all published neurological studies support the claims put forth by YBOP (for an updated list see: Brain Studies on Porn Users):

Sexual Desire, not Hypersexuality, is Related to Neurophysiological Responses Elicited by Sexual Images (2013) - This EEG study was touted in the media as evidence against the existence of porn addiction. Not so. This SPAN Lab study, like #5 below, actually supports the existence of porn addiction. Why? The study reported higher EEG readings (P300) when subjects were exposed to porn photos. Studies consistently show that an elevated P300 occurs when addicts are exposed to cues (such as images) related to their addiction. However, the study had no control group for comparison, which made the findings uninterpretable. In line with the Cambridge studies, this EEG study reported greater cue-reactivity to porn correlated with less desire for partnered sex. Neither finding matched the headlines. Read more.

Can Pornography be Addictive? An fMRI Study of Men Seeking Treatment for Problematic Pornography Use (2017) - Excerpts: Problematic pornography use (PPU) subjects when compared to control subjects showed increased activation of ventral striatum specifically for cues predicting erotic pictures but not for cues predicting monetary gains. Our findings suggest that, similar to what is observed in substance and gambling addictions, the neural and behavioral mechanisms associated with the anticipatory processing of cues specifically predicting erotic rewards relate importantly to clinically relevant features of PPU.

Altered Appetitive Conditioning and Neural Connectivity in Subjects With Compulsive Sexual Behavior (2016) - A German fMRI study replicating two major findings from Voon et al., 2014 and Kuhn & Gallinat 2014. Main Findings: The neural correlates of appetitive conditioning and neural connectivity were altered in the CSB group. According to the researchers, the first alteration - heightened amygdala activation - might reflect facilitated conditioning (greater "wiring" to previously neutral cues predicting porn images). The second alteration - decreased connectivity between the ventral striatum and the prefrontal cortex - could be a marker for impaired ability to control impulses. Said the researchers, "These [alterations] are in line with other studies investigating the neural correlates of addiction disorders and impulse control deficits." The findings of greater amygdalar activation to cues (sensitization) and decreased connectivity between the reward center and the prefrontal cortex (hypofrontality) are two of the major brain changes seen in substance addiction. In addition, 3 of the 20 compulsive porn users suffered from "orgasmic-erection disorder".

Compulsivity across the pathological misuse of drug and non-drug rewards (2016) - A Cambridge University study comparing aspects of compulsivity in alcoholics, binge-eaters, video game addicts and porn addicts (CSB). Excerpts: CSB subjects were faster to learning from rewards in the acquisition phase compared to healthy volunteers and were more likely to perseverate or stay after either a loss or a win in the Reward condition. These findings converge with our previous findings of enhanced preference for stimuli conditioned to either sexual or monetary outcomes, overall suggesting enhanced sensitivity to rewards (Banca et al., 2016).

Conscious and Non-Conscious Measures of Emotion: Do They Vary with Frequency of Pornography Use? (2017) – Study assessed porn user’s responses (EEG readings & Startle Response) to various emotion-inducing images – including erotica. The study found several neurological differences between low frequency porn users and high frequency porn users. An excerpt: Findings suggest that increased pornography use appears to have an influence on the brain’s non-conscious responses to emotion-inducing stimuli which was not shown by explicit self-report.

Epigenetic changes on genes central to the human stress response and closely associated with addiction.

Higher levels of Tumor Necrosis Factor (TNF) - which also occurs in drug abuse and addiction.

While we don't offer any estimates of percentages of guys with Internet porn-related symptoms, we do warn that Internet porn appears to be hooking a greater percentage of users than porn of the past. We base this claim on hundreds of recent Internet addiction/online gaming studies (some including Internet porn use). Some show percentages of addicts as high as one in four among young males.

High rates of Internet addiction in young males would be consistent with what young porn users report about their peers, i.e, that both Internet porn usage and related problems are extremely common. The rise of streaming tube porn sites is apparently a key variable in symptom prevalence/severity. We suspect that Internet porn addiction rates may someday rival food addiction rates because both junk food and Internet porn are supernormal variations of the two prime natural rewards the human brain evolved to pursue. More than two-thirds of adult Americans are overweight and almost half of those obese (most of them addicted to high-fat, high-sugar, extra salty foods).

It is most unscientific to ignore the Internet addiction studies and assert (as do porn-addiction skeptics) that only (nonexistent) studies that isolate Internet porn use could prove its existence. First, although Internet porn taps into our innate sexual programming in a hyperstimulating way (due to its constant novelty), Internet porn addiction is, above all, an Internet addiction--just like online gaming addiction and general Internet addiction. Without high-speed Internet, no Internet addictions would exist.

Second, the import of the public statement of the American Society of Addiction Medicine is that all addictions, behavioral and chemical, are evidence of a common set of fundamental brain changes and can be diagnosed from the same basic diagnostic questions, independent of the particular activity or substance. For example, if an Internet user reports (1) continued use despite negative consequences, (2) cravings, (3) inability to control use, and (4) compulsion to use, it doesn't matter if he's a gamer, a porn viewer, or a combination of the two. He has an Internet addiction.

Meanwhile, it's a good thing that porn-specific studies aren't needed to confirm porn addiction as a scientific matter, because the Internet porn study the skeptics insist they would need to accept the existence of Internet porn addiction cannot be done. First, control groups of non-porn users among young males would be very difficult to round up. Second, ethics boards wouldn't permit half of the subjects to be exposed to years of hardcore porn use in order to study the effects. Third, ethics boards would not allow research where porn users are asked to eliminate masturbation to porn for months to create ex-users for comparison.

It's also unscientific to hold up pre-highspeed porn addiction rates, or, even more absurdly, sex addiction ("hypersexuality") rates, as evidence that Internet porn addiction rates are low. How relevant are any of these other addictions to a condition dependent on highspeed Internet?

To state this another way: Since the research shows that Internet addiction and online gaming addiction exist and are not harmless, the burden of proof is now on the porn skeptics to reveal scientific reasons why Internet porn use would be uniquely harmless. (Keep in mind that Dutch researchers have already shown that of all cyber pastimes, cyber erotica is the most compelling, i.e., potentially addictive.)

Is there scientific evidence for the claim that Internet porn can recondition sexuality?

Lots of guys are reporting porn-related sexual performance and other problems who do not view themselves as addicts. (Who here doing NoFap isn't/wasn't an "addict?") Their experience that they have somehow rewired their sexuality even without having fallen into addiction is supported by research on virgin rats. Using high-arousal states, scientists have successfully conditioned young rats to prefer same-sex partners and partners who smell like rotting flesh (normally aversive). Researchers have also shown that early sexual conditioning is more lasting than sexual conditioning induced in adults after normal sexual behavior patterns are established.

Compulsive porn users often describe escalation in their porn use that takes the form of greater time viewing or seeking out new genres of porn. New genres that induce shock, surprise, violation of expectations or even anxiety can function to increase sexual arousal, and in porn users whose response to stimuli is growing blunted due to overuse, this phenomenon is extremely common. Norman Doidge MD wrote about this in his book The Brain That Changes Itself:

The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change.... When pornographers boast that they are pushing the envelope by introducing new, harder themes, what they don't say is that they must, because their customers are building up a tolerance to the content

New porn genres that induce shock, surprise, violation of expectations or even anxiety can function to increase sexual arousal, and in porn users whose response to stimuli is growing blunted due to overuse, this phenomenon is extremely common. There is now research that is backing this up. Kinsey researchers Bancroft and Janssen ("The Dual Control Model: The Role Of Sexual Inhibition & Excitation In Sexual Arousal And Behavior") were the first to report that high exposure to streaming porn, “seemed to have resulted in a lower responsivity to "vanilla sex" erotica and an increased need for novelty and variation, in some cases combined with a need for very specific types of stimuli in order to get aroused.”

In summary, three studies have now asked porn users specifically about escalation into new genres or tolerance, confirming both (1, 2, 3). Employing various indirect methods, an additional 14 studies have reported findings consistent with habituation to "regular porn" or escalation into more extreme and unusual genres.

Erectile dysfunction rates in these recent studies range from 14% to 35%, while rates for low libido (hypo-sexuality) range from 16% to 37%. Some studies involve teens and men 25 and under, while other studies involve men 40 and under.

Prior to the advent of free streaming porn (2006), cross-sectional studies and meta-analysis consistently reported erectile dysfunction rates of 2-5% in men under 40. That's nearly a 1000% increase in youthful ED rates in the last 10-15 years. What variable has changed in the last 15 years that could account for this astronomical rise?

What about neurological studies that debunk porn addiction?

There are none (read why this paper falsified nothing). This page lists all the studies assessing the brain structure and functioning of internet porn users. To date, every study offers support for the porn addiction model. However, whenever an article claiming to debunk porn addiction cites a study, I expect you will find one of Nicole Prause's two EEG studies, or an irresponsible "review" by Prause, Ley and Finn. Here they are for easy reference:

Kinsey Institute grad Nicole Prause is the lead author and spokesperson on studies 1 and 2, and is the second author on paper #3. Let's start with Prause's 2015 EEG study (Prause et al., 2015). Nicole Prause boldly claimed on her SPAN lab website that this solitary study "debunks porn addiction".

Compared to controls, more frequent porn users had lower brain activation to one-second exposure to photos of vanilla porn. Because this paper reported less brain activation to vanilla porn (pictures) related to greater porn use, it is listed as supporting the hypothesis that chronic porn use down regulates sexual arousal. Put simply, chronic porn users were bored by static images of ho-hum porn (its findings parallel Kuhn & Gallinat., 2014). These findings are consistent with tolerance, a sign of addiction. Tolerance is defined as a person’s diminished response to a drug or stimulus that is the result of repeated use. Six peer-reviewed papers agree with YBOP's assessment of Prause et al., 2015:

We already saw above that study #2 (Prause et al., 2015) lends support to the porn addiction model. But how does Prause's 2013 EEG study (Steele et al., 2013), touted in the media as evidence against the existence of porn addiction, actually support the porn addiction model?

This study's only significant finding was that individuals with greater cue-reactivity to porn had less desire for sex with a partner (but not lower desire to masturbate to porn). Put another way, individuals with more brain activation and cravings for porn would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with a real person. This is typical of addicts, not healthy subjects.

Study spokesman Nicole Prause claimed that frequent porn users merely had high libido, yet the results of the study say something quite different. As Valerie Voon (and 10 other neuroscientists) explained, Prause's 2013 findings of greater cue-reactivity to porn coupled with lower desire for sex with real partners aligned with their 2014 brain scan study on porn addicts. Put simply, the actual findings of the 2013 EEG study in no way match the unsupported "debunking" headlines. Five peer-reviewed papers expose the truth about this earlier study by Prause's team: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. (also see this extensive YBOP critique).

As a side note, this same 2013 study reported higher EEG readings (P300) when subjects were exposed to porn photos. Studies consistently show that an elevated P300 occurs when addicts are exposed to cues (such as images) related to their addiction. This finding supports the porn addiction model, as the above peer-reviewed papers explained and psychology professor emeritus John A. Johnson pointed out in a comment under a 2013 Psychology Today Prause interview:

"My mind still boggles at the Prause claim that her subjects' brains did not respond to sexual images like drug addicts' brains respond to their drug, given that she reports higher P300 readings for the sexual images. Just like addicts who show P300 spikes when presented with their drug of choice. How could she draw a conclusion that is the opposite of the actual results?"

Mustanski asks, "What was the purpose of the study?" And Prause replies, "Our study tested whether people who report such problems [problems with regulating their viewing of online erotica] look like other addicts from their brain responses to sexual images."

But the study did not compare brain recordings from persons having problems regulating their viewing of online erotica to brain recordings from drug addicts and brain recordings from a non-addict control group, which would have been the obvious way to see if brain responses from the troubled group look more like the brain responses of addicts or non-addicts.....

Aside from the many unsupported claims in the press, it's disturbing that Prause's 2013 EGG study passed peer-review, as it suffered from serious methodological flaws:

The third paper listed above is not a study at all. Instead, it poses as an impartial "review of the literature" on porn addiction and porn's effects. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The lead author, David Ley, is the author of The Myth of Sex Addiction and Nicole Prause is its second author. Ley & Prause not only teamed up to write paper #3, they also teamed up to write a Psychology Today blog post about paper #1. The blog post appeared 5 months before Prause's paper was formally published (so no one could refute it). You may have seen Ley's blog post with the oh-so-catchy title: "Your Brain on Porn - It's NOT Addictive". Ley zealously denies both sex and porn addiction. He has written 20 or so blog posts attacking porn-recovery forums, and dismissing porn addiction and porn-induced ED. He is not an addiction scientist, but rather a clinical psychologist, and like Prause is not associated with any university or research institute. Read more about Ley & Prause and their collaborations here.

The following is a very long analysis of paper #3, which goes line-by-line, showing all the shenanigans Ley & Prause incorporated in their "review": The Emperor Has No Clothes: A Fractured Fairytale Posing As A Review. It completely dismantles the so-called review, and documents dozens of misrepresentations of the research they cited. The most shocking aspect of the Ley review is that it omitted ALL the many studies that reported negative effects related to porn use or found porn addiction!

Yes, you read that right. While purporting to write an "objective" review, Ley & Prause justified omitting hundreds of studies on the grounds that these were correlational studies. Guess what? Virtually all studies on porn are correlational, even those they cited, or misused. There are, and pretty much will be, only correlational studies, because researchers have no way to prove causation by comparing users with "porn virgins" or by keeping subjects off of porn for extended periods in order compare effects. (Thousands of guys are quitting porn voluntarily on various forums, however, and their results suggest that removing internet porn is the key variable in their symptoms and recoveries.)

Inherent Bias?

It's unprecedented for a legitimate researcher to claim that their lone anomalous study has debunked a hypothesis supported by multiple neurological studies and decades of relevant research. Moreover, what legitimate researcher would be constantly tweeting that has debunked porn addiction? What legitimate researcher would personally attack young men who run porn-recovery forums? What's going on here? By her own admission, rejects the concept of porn addiction. For example, a quote from this recent Martin Daubney article about sex/porn addictions:

In addition, Nicole Prause's former Twitter slogan suggests she may lack the impartiality required for scientific research:

"Studying why people choose to engage in sexual behaviors without invoking addiction nonsense"

While many articles continue to describe Prause as a UCLA researcher, she hasn't been employed by any university since the beginning of 2015. Finally, it's important to know that the enterprising Prause offered (for a fee) her "expert" testimony against sex addiction and porn addiction. It seems as though Prause is attempting to sell her services to profit from the unsupportable anti-porn addiction conclusions of her two EEG studies (1, 2), even though 11 peer-reviewed analyses say both studies support the addiction model. Interestingly, David Ley also profits from denying sex and porn addiction. At the end of this Psychology Today blog post Ley states:

Ley also makes money selling two books which deny sex and porn addiction ("The Myth of Sex Addiction", 2012 and "Ethical Porn for Dicks", 2016). Pornhub (which is owned by porn giant MindGeek) is one of the four Amazon.com endorsements listed for Ley's 2016 book. Finally, David Ley makes money via CEU seminars, where he promotes the ideas presented in his two books.

This section collects studies about which YBOP and others have reservations - Questionable & Misleading Studies. In some, the methodology raises concerns. In others, the conclusions appear inadequately supported. In others, the title or terminology used is misleading given the actual study results. Some grossly misrepresent the actual findings.

Hey Guys,
I need your help. This is going to be a long post, but please read.

My husband is a self-confessed, recovered porn addict. While we were best friends, I know he was watching 6 to 8 hours a day, hiding all of his stash on his computer from his family and friends, hanging out only with his computer, missing class and work to watch, sleeping 3 and 4 hours a night just so he could watch, etc.

I have a long history of hating porn, especially internet porn. It hurt my parent’s marriage; my first boyfriend was an addict; my ex-husband was an addict. I personally believe that it destroys
women and men. I do not think it has any place in a marriage, ever.

However, he quit cold turkey for me and from the day we started dating, he has not looked at anything. We have been together for 28 months, and he has not slipped up once. He still masturbates on a regular basis and feels that he is completely entitled to his own self-love. I do need to say though that we have an incredibly sex life, and our marriage is wonderful. We are
creative, kinky and very active. We enjoy one another 3 to 5 times a week, and he has his own play time about 2 to 4 times a month.

So about a few months ago he expressed an interest in watching some porn with me. It has caused a ton of stress for both of us. I have felt like I am no longer good enough for him, that he
is bored with our sex life, and that he wants to replace me. He swears that even when he used to watch he never ever visualized himself with the women in the videos, he never replaced himself
with the guy, and he never fantasized about having sex with them. He just used the visuals for arousal.

After several fights and lots of long discussions, he had me convinced that I was the problem; that I didn’t trust him, and that I had insecurity issues that were really the problem. He also told me that I was controlling and that I had locked down his sex life. He wanted to be able to enjoy better self-love and excite himself the way he used to. I was devastated, but I love him and I
want to make him happy, so I started doing research. All my research said that he was right, that I was insecurity and controlling and that all men look, so I just needed to get over my fear and my trust issues and let my man look, before he cheated on me. Again, I felt like a waste of a woman, a sexual failure, and that I was no better than a fleshlight in bed.

So I talked to my husband and explained that 98% of men who look are imaging themselves with the women they are watching and that 73% of wives consider that cheating.

To top it all, we have two daughters and a son. I don’t want my son hooked, and I never want my daughters involved in that lifestyle nor do I want them to ever feel like I do right now – utterly worthless.

He doesn’t want any of our children hurt by it either, but he believes it is fine for him to watch.

I cannot tell you how badly I am hurting from all of this. But based on all the research I had done and all the forums I had read, I decided to trust him and believe all he was telling me,
even though it flew in the face of what all other men were saying.

So I trusted that he was not replacing me, that he did love me, that he did find me desirable, and that he was not cheating on
me in his mind. I told him that I had no interest in watching with him at all, but that if wanted to

replay all the videos he wanted during his masturbation, I would not be hurt by that. But that I was not at all comfortable with him watching and that I probably never would be. I didn’t want to give in, but all the websites I read said I had to or he would cheat, and that I was wrong for trying to control him.

Then I found your website. I read and read and read. We have talked and talked and talked. He said he would do whatever I wanted to keep me feeling happy, safe, and secure, but that he will
always want to look, and he will always believe in could make everything better for him and me.

He believes he WAS an addict, but that he is over it, and it is not an issue for him now. He believes he has already “rebooted” and that now he can safely look without ever being addicted again because he loves me so much. He believes that he is different from all the other men who are just cheating on their wives in their heads and that watching porn isn’t bad for him. He especially doesn’t want to give up his masturbating.

We discussed last night what rebooting would look like for him. He asked me specifically, what exactly do you want me to do? I told him I needed him to focus his thoughts only on me and our love life and that he would have to give up masturbating. He would also have to limit his thoughts to only me when fantasizing while we are making love. He said that he felt like that we might as well only have PVI in the missionary position. He said that was too vanilla for him. He explained that masturbating is so much better when he fantasizes about his porn than when he thinks about me (“Because I don’t look like those women.”).

I finally thought we were on the same page, until last night. I feel like he resents me and that even though he isn’t watching porn – it is still hurting our marriage. What does it mean that he
still wants it so badly? What does it mean that he wants to hold onto his private fantasies that do not have anything to do with me? What does it mean that he says he will always want it? Why
wouldn’t he want to be completely free from his addiction? Can he safely go back to watching without becoming an addict again? Are all those other sites right? Am I really the problem? I feel completely insecure now, and I feel like I need to give him whatever he wants to keep our marriage and sex life as wonderful as it is now.

I am asking you guys for help, because I do not want to bring this topic up with him again. I am so very tired of fighting with him. I just want to know if it is even worth it, should I just let him watch and see what happens or should I stick to what I believe is right and true and healthy for our marriage? Why does this hurt so much?

First, I am not a therapist. There are links to several good sites under the support tab. I just interviewed Wendy Maltz. She and her husband (also a therapist) work with couples and addicts' partners too. Her site - http://www.healthysex.com/

She says that porn addicts have a sense of entitlement, and that it takes a lot of time to subside.

Addiction is the inability to satisfy. It means the "wanting circuits" are stuck in the brain. Since your husband demonstrates many of the behaviors/attitudes of a severe porn addict, he still has those circuits present (sensitization). They can easily be reactivated, and he's likely doing that by fantasizing about porn while masturbating if he isn't using directly.

Using porn OR fantasizing about porn reactivates those addiction circuits, since the brain doesn't know the difference between reality and fantasy. Think dreams. As a result, he has been keeping his addiction alive by masturbating to his porn memories.

One solution that may actually lead to greater satisfaction (paradoxically because it is less stimulating) is for him to learn to masturbate to sensation alone. And it's likely that if he did that...he'd find he didn't need to masturbate much at all because he's already getting plenty of sex (and perhaps too much - see "Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover?"http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201205/men-doe...)

Is the problem you? That's the typical response of any addict - blame. It is quite hurtful in the case of porn, because it makes you feel like you aren't enough. Wrong. Addiction is never satisfying, so his brain will always perceive lack no matter how much kinky sex you provide and no matter how much porn you watch with him. Was an endless steam of novel porn ever enough for him..hour after hour, day after day, for years? No.

Ask him if he watched the same clip over and over. He didn't. He clicked from one novel porn star to the next. As AA says, "One drink is too much, and all the alcohol in world is never enough (to satisfy)."

His addict brain is at work here. His fantasy about porn means he has never rebooted.....he is still using porn. Read these -

If he's not willing to heal his addiction, there's little you can do. It must be his choice. Just know that it's unlikely any of the solutions he proposes are likely to satisfy him. It's your choice if you want to play along, but playing may not be "enough". An addict brain is never satisfied.

Thank you for taking the time to give me such a detailed and sensitive post. Reading it brought me to tears last night. I am honestly broken for the man I love. I know he doesn't want to hurt me.
He found me sitting at my computer late last night reading your post and crying. It allowed us to talk once more about this, but much more honestly without anger. He held me for hours talking to me about just how important I am to him and how my feelings are vastly more important than anything he could ever get from a video. He had no idea I was hurting so badly over this request. He thought that since he had proven himself to be madly in love with me, completely trustworthy and able to give up his addiction for me without one slip up, that he could handle watching with me. He admitted last night that he had actually only used his memories to masturbate once since we became romatically involved. He told me he had never looked at a video or a picture of another woman, since the July 6, 2010 - the day he told me he loved me and wanted to date me.(Only I remember the date, because he wrote it on the poem he gave me to tell me he loved me. It's not like he has been counting days or anything.) He also confested to looking at a video on a technique he wanted to try on himself, but it was only educational and only had men in it. He does subscribe to an toy company newsletter, mainly to buy fun things for me, but he told me he had never searched that website, or an yother, or did a google search for images of beautiful women or anything to try to cheat and find stimulate. He said he had honestly only been looking for educational books, toys, and things to share with me to make our love life better and more exciting. I don't know if those count as "relapsing" but he was very, very honest and transparent with me last night. He also told me that while he is not sure he can ever make the desire to look go away, he is willing to admit that he will always be an addict and that he wants me to feel safe and secure with him. He volunteered to close the subject forever (shut it, lock it, and melt the key), that he would never ask me again to consider watching with him or letting him look. He also promised to quit doing research on sexual techniques, to stop looking for educational information on the one thing he wanted to try to give himself, he would unsubscribe from the newsletter, and would put his google filters back on strict. He said that the image of me broken, red-eyed, and crying over this issue will forever be imprinted on his brain and that he never wants to see me that hurt again by anything he has done.
I really wanted him to come and read the information on your website, but he said that he trusts that everything I have told him is true and that I am completely trustworthy. He doesn't feel like I am trying to control him, he wants to do this for me. Knowing that I feel safe, secure, and loved is more important to him than anything in this world. He never wants to hear me say again that I feel used, betrayed, and no better than a fleshlight. He had no idea that his words, thoughts, and past addictoin was having such a profound impact on me. He thought that because he gave it up for me that he had not brought all that baggage into our marriage. He now knows differently. But he said that dealing with his own feelings about realizing he is an addict is enough for now. he might come look at this site at some pint, but that right now, it would be too much to have it thrown in his face over and over again. Plus, he still believes that he is different from a lot of the men here, because he never wanted to have sex with those women, he never visualized himself as the guy in the movies, and he gave it up cold turkey. He knows he was addict, but he still believes he is a recovered addict; however, he believes that hurting me is not worth trying to prove his point, and he would rather just commit to never, ever letting it be a part of his life or mine.

The good thing about addiction is that the longer you stay away from porn the weaker the brain pathways become.

Maybe I was hard on him, maybe not. His comments about the fleshlight, wanting to share porn, and "looking for sexual techniques" were his addict brain at work, while last night's conversation was the "real him" talking.

You said "an addict's brain is never satisfied." After he reboots, will he be able to be satisfied? Will he take more pleasure in us? What are married, recovered men experiencing? Is he really different from most men?
Thanks in advance

You said "an addict's brain is never satisfied. After he reboots, will he be able to be satisfied?

Rebooting is a term that we use for experiencing what you are like without porn. Guys do it for many reasons. He says he hasn't used porn for a few years, so he should know what its like to be rebooted.

When the addict brain is fully activated it can never get enough, that's all I meant. He seemed to be heading onto a slippery slope, "searching for sex toys", and "techniques"; and masturbating to porn fantasy; and craving porn in the bedroom.

Addiction pathways are called sensitization - and it is the core brain change caused by addiction. See -

From what he has revealed, he has been reactivating these pathways, and these circuits are calling for "more". That's why he wasn't satisfied with your sex life - these pathways can never be satisfied. These aren't sexual circuits, these are addiction circuits. Just as an alcoholics craving to drink aren't thirst pathways.

doesn't get better because someone has more orgasms. Sex isn't like water...where you drink enough and then you're no longer thirsty. Overconsumption of hot sex can leave someone hungrier than ever for novelty over the following days. (See Do You Need A Chaser After Sex? )

The more he stimulates himself with hotter and hotter visual cues (or related fantasies from his memory banks) the less satisfied he is likely to feel with his relationship. This is not a comment on your relationship or you. It's a comment on the fact that his brain is growing numb to normal pleasure and desperate for his addiction (which can still hammer his reward circuitry because of his sensitized addiction pathways - See Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?)

I realize this flies counter to every bit of advice in the mainstream, but what I'm saying is based on recent neurochemistry and a deeper understanding of sex's effects on the brain. For a much more thorough explanation, see my book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

Eventually the mainstream will catch up, because too much stimulation numbs the pleasure response of the brain, leaving the person in pursuit of more and more stimulation...and often making him resentful toward his partner because the partner senses that more "fixes" will only make the problem worse. In this case, you are right. His solution will not lead to lasting satisfaction, but the solution (satisfaction and harmony) may lie in a completely different direction than your current habits. See An Uncanny Love Potion

A kinky sex life is not necessarily a better sex life...because it has the power to overstimulate the brain...leaving the partners increasingly dissatisfied. Not sure you two are ready to experiment with a different approach that decreases dissatisfaction and increases feelings of contentment (after an initial adjustment period), but if you are consider my book or perhaps this one: Tantric Sex For Men.

At the end of the day you may be glad you had to rethink your sex lives. There's a lot more potential there than you can find through continually attempting to heat things up.

I thought he was truly on board with understanding my feelings, but we have done nothing by fight about this one topic for a month - it seems. He goes from being incredibly understanding and wanting to make sure I feel safe to being angry with me because he wants to M. One day: He believes he has rebooted. He believes this is all my problem. I need to completely trust him. He doesn't want any rules. I am so controlling. If I just trusted him, then this wouldn't be an issue. If I had any self-esteem, then I could believe him that he is not comparing me to these women. If I just worked out and got the body I want, then I wouldn't be jealous and insecure.
Then the next day: He loves me. He never wants to hurt me. All this talk has made him never, ever want to look again. He hates that his actions have made me feel so bad. He feels like a jerk for ripping my heart out and making me distrust him. He wants to respect my wishes and doesn't believe I am controlling at all. He doesn't want me broken anymore; it is his job to protect me and my heart, and he failed to do both.
I just don't know which person to believe. I don't know how to trust his words, when his actions (and words) change constantly. He admitted that when I said I would never allow internet porn into our marriage, he was at least hopefully that he would be able to look at pictures or watch a DVD with him. I don't understand why he can't just respect the one thing I am asking of him - give it up and quit beating me over the head with the fact that "I will always want it. No matter what you say or do."
I get that he will always want it, but I want a lot of things every day that I will never have, and I'm not beating him over the head begging for them.
The one thing I can say is that I absolutely believe that he has not looked at porn at all since we started dating. He has been porn-free for 29 months. He absolutely will not lie to me or hide that from me. He has know from the being that I believe it is cheating, so he committed to never looking. He has honored that commitment; all this crap and drama is because he wants to convince me that it isn't cheating, that it could be good for our marriage, and that he can watch it safely without getting addicted again.
I cannot wrap my head around any of those statements: I believe it is cheating; I believe it will destroy me, as a person, and any trust that we have left in our marriage; and that he will become addicted. He has addictive tendencies in all areas of his life.
But I did tell him, there are no rules in our marriage that I trust him to respect my wishes and protect my heart. I trust him, and he now can prove to be faithful or a fool.
Thanks for letting me have a place to vent.
Ginger Ladybug

for seeing what life is like without porn. He has done this. He appears to want to go back to porn, so he's asking you to watch it with him. I guess that's what you two are arguing about. It's simple to me - the addict wants his addiction, and they get really pissed when someone blocks their access.

I suggest visiting Wendy Maltz's site. Wendy and Larry Maltz sre the real experts for couple dealing with these issues. Her website and book - Healthysex.com Authors of "The Porn Trap"

of men no longer glued to their computers, but having real relationships with real people.

Porn is not sex. It is sitting in front of screen, mousing with one hand while jerking with another, living in an artificial world. If that's what you want to do, more power to you, but don't call it "sex".

Well, I would like to tell my sad story. I'm a 25 year old handsome guy, who has never had sex with a girl.
When I was 18 I was really focused on sports and studying, and I loved porn, playboy TV, Lesbians and what so ever, in my mind I wasjust waiting to get away to college and start getting real girls. But, while in college, I had girls, but wasn't confident enough to get to them or I would make the mistakes a kid makes when he is learning how to get girls, but I didn't even care, I had porn. My desires escalated, and I found internet porn, I would consume lesbian porn like an addict, open thousands of pages on my computer, and masturbate, delaying the dew point as much as I could, just thinking I would find something even better, and after hours there masturbating to this girls kissing each other, boom, my reward. I would do that a lot. Like the whole night.
One day I saw something different a girl with a penis, incredible breasts, amazing body, it triggered me, it was attractful. I started watching that, more and more, and it was getting me crazy, I didn't care if it was a man in a girl form, in my mind it was a girl.
Yes, I found transsexual porn. I slowly started to forget about lesbians, and even though I was interested in some girls I was afraid of rejection, so I wouldn't try shit, because I had TS porn. In my mind the day I got a girlfriend I would forget about TS porn, but no.
When I was 20 I met my first girl, I developed the most amazing game to get her, and for the first time it worked. She was perfect, hot, lovely, and wanted sex with me so bad, like the kind of girl all men want. I never got to have sex with her, I would kiss her get a hard on, but afraid of her knowing I was a virgin so I wouldn't go further, I vanished from her life, I couldn't stand the pressure of her wanting sex with me, and me not being able to do things right, the I'll go to porn. She started even thinking I was gay, but never liked men in my whole life.
After that I started to deal more and more with "shemale" porn, I would masturbate 4 times a night, and then I had to do something about it. One day I went after a Transsexual escort, have to say she had a hot body, breasts, just like on the videos. We started making out, when she took her panties out, it was weird seeing a penis, it didn't turn me on, and that night I couldn't have sex, I didn'te get hard at all, so I dropped it.
I tried escorts over and over, in my mind that was the kind of thing I liked, TS, I didn't care if it was wrong, their porn turned me on, so that's what I should go for, and that's what I did. But never could have sex, I wouldn't get hard, it was something in my mind, but not in my penis.
Then, for the first time I could have full sex with a TS, but this one was different, she was super feminine, curveous, short, blonde, her penis was shrunk, she couldn't even have and erection, she was the first person I had sex with. Meanwhile I would make out with girls at parties, get hard, but always afraid of having sex with them. So porn, porn, porn, TS porn. Lesbian, straight, wasn't appealing anymore.
I had another girlfriend, I would get hard while kissing, but when trying to penetrate, it would go down. I disapeared as well. From that time, I didn't know what to do, except watch more TS porn. Until a day I went to crossdresser porn, and twice I watched gay porn, even though I knew I wasn't gay at all, but I was getting attracted to the feminine way the guys acted in porn, the domination, whatever, and then I went back to shemale porn again, that's where my money was. I started to freak out, thinking I'm gay, people around me thinking the same because they dont see me getting girls.
I moved to this house without internet, and it was nothing but the best times of my life, it was a feeling that gradually escalated. At first it was so bad not to have access to porn, I started masturbating while imagining stuff. Then I started to become the man who loves women the best. Jesus Christ, I can't explain the feeling, I would go to school, and a simple girl with a bit of skin showing off would get me hard, like her belly showing off while she walks, her hands, nail polished, her cute face smiling at me, I was getting so horny, and hard ons, everytime, every minute. I spent 1 month like that, didn't get any girl, it was a bad time of my life, skipping coolege and stuff. I didn't know why that happened, thanks to you I know now.
Then I had internet again, and everything started again, the nightmare came on. And it still endures until today, shemale porn for six years, got me to the point where I stopped getting hard ons for a girl, even if I am kissing, getting embarrassed because now this days, girls seem to love me, and they want to get along with me, but I just make all the stories and fade away. I want them, but know in my present state I'm not able to get them, they think I'm a playa, because all girls love me, and I act like I'm over God, but that's just my defense mechanism to avoid intimacy.
I found you guys on tuesday, and I thank God for that, today is sunday 8.15 in the morning, havent slept, didn't go out, didn't drink, stayed on the internet watching movies, didn't watch any porn either, in fact I haven't watched porn since tuesday. Thank you people.

I'm a 25 man who has never had sex with a woman, and always wanted to, never related to anyone, never had pillow talk, never had a girl telling me how good I am in bed, and always envy all my friends who have that. For them I'm a playa, and I'm never lonely. The idea of me being gay completely vanished from my mind, I don't like men. I thought shemale was my thing, but I've felt how much I love women.

My reboot is only beginning, and you will hear about me in no time. With better information.

Three things help me are:
1) I Listen to Gary Wilson's radio show. (Right column, 7th image down.) Start at episode one. He does a great job of explaining things and his guests are also very helpful.
2) I read "Uncle Bob's Porn Addiction Tips" every chance I get.
3) A tip I read somewhere here on YBOP is to count total days with out FAP. For me I was doing it daily, so I give myself credit for how many days I didn't masturbate. An example: Let's say from my start date I went 3 days, relapsed (1), 4 days, relapsed (1), 8 days, relapse(1), 10 days....and so on. Even though in this example it has only been officially 10 days, I only fapped 3 times instead of the 26 times I normally would have!

Gary, I wanted to write you an email, but I can't find any email address on this site. First of all, thank your for the wonderful job your are doing. You have saved many people, I am one of them. Your presentation "Your brain on porn" on youtube has been very helpful to me. An eye opener. I quit porn straight away after watching it. I hadn't been a severe case (watching porn ca. 3-4 times a month). After quitting porn, I quickly found a wonderful woman. Watching the presentation every 1-2 weeks was very helpful to stay on the track. Unfortunately, I relapsed after over half a year. A moment of distraction and here we drown again into this illusory sh*t of happiness. I wasn't as freed as I had thought. I kept relapsing every 1-4 weeks for the past few months, but today after watching your new presentation "Your brain on porn: how Internet porn affects your brain" I feel back on the track again. I feel the power. I got back the determination to heal my brain. I want to share it with other fellow citizens who don't speak English. I want to translate your presentation "Your brain on porn: how Internet porn affects your brain" into Polish (to put Polish subtitles) and then put it on YT. I can probably do it by listening, but a manuscript of your presentation would be very helpful. I can also translate some text on this page, if you wish so, of course for free. All the best, Wilderbeast

Hello everybody,
first of all thanks for existing: I only joined the website to write this comment, but I got great benefit by reading your experiences once in a while, and Gary's talks.
Most likely, if it weren't for you I would have endured much longer in using watching porn, although I already had the strong intuition that it was ruining my life and emotional balance.
And this is a clear point: scientific papers, others'experiences and people's opinions might tell you porn-induced ED and stories of depression caused by excess of porn, but if you are suffering something like that you already know that.
I am 33, and I have been watching at porn more or less since I was 15. Many would have said that my life was good - I got a PhD, I have had many girlfriends, all the usual stuffs. However, I always had these horrible mood shifts, suffered of clear signs of depression, frequently experienced ED and an increasing desensitization to sex at the point that I could have lasted hours in bed, managing to reach an orgasm only if fantasizing about more extreme positions.
I felt so many times the incapability to stop, the shame of being unable to quit porn, masturbating just coming back after a night with my girlfriend and maybe not having had the will to do sex there with her. I felt so many times wasted after a night or even a whole day in front of a fucking screen, unable to find a girl that arouses you enough, the right position, the right body. And the longer time, the more extreme the "categories". I certainly lost a girl I was really in love with for this issue, and certainly it affected my concentration at work, even only for the huge amount of time lost. Time that summed up over 15 years I could have spent travelling, or working, anything better than jerking off. And the time wasted is not even the worse: the worst is the constant sense of weakness and inability to stop. At some point, after the 1000 time I tried to stop, even your self-confidence vanishes, and you stop believing in yourself.

MY REBOOT EXPERIENCE:
I stopped several times for relatively short times. The final one happened only after tattooing myself with the promise of stopping, after having imagined it as a my rite of passage for very long: so that breaking that promise would have been impressed on me forever. I guess everybody can find his own rite - for me that was it. Useless to say that when I finally stopped fapping it worked very well and very quickly. I finally rebooted without stopping entirely sex, and helping myself at the beginning with some Cialis. The error was that by using it seemed so easy that afterwards I relapsed again. So, it is totally possible to reboot while having sex, but it is certainly easier if you don't - physiologically, maybe psychologically it is actually harder, depends on you I guess.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE PORN IS THAT BAD?
I know that many say that you must have other issues to end up a sexual addict, and therefore nofap is bullshits, because it does not cure the real cause. I think this reasoning might have some truth, but it is deeply flawed:
-first of all, even if it is true, this is the same for any form of addiction. Alcoholism might start when you broke up with your wife 20 years ago, but if you don't stop, then alcohol itself becomes your problem.
What should one do then, just keep drinking to death since there used to be a different problem at the origin at the addiction? It is the same any drug. For me probably was like this - I often used it as a way to escape reality, a reality that was probably too painful for me. The problem is that like any drug that gives addiction, it becomes the problem itself. And porn is terribly easy to fall in, since we naturally like sex, it is almost inevitable to be tempted.
- the science is right. If you read on the web bullshits like those of David J Ley, those are people that do not understand anything about neuropsychology, trust me. I am not a neurobiologist but I know enough about the brain to tell you that the science behind no fap makes total sense.

In a way, I don't care much about convincing anybody. Incompetent people like David J Ley will keep saying nofap does not work to have their opinion niche. And scientific evidence will be very soon even more unequivocal - it is such a young field - so it is almost useless words. What matters is that if you are experiencing some symptoms, I am sure you know it is this. And if you are not sure..just give it a try. In most cases the effects are so strong and quick that you won't doubt it for very long. I can tell you then when you don't wake up with a boner for 5 years or so, and then it happens every day...well, you know it is that! As much as when you need to find an arousing video for half an hour or more. It is funny that people say: maybe it is just sexual anxiety..ahaha, I bet it is, when after 10 minutes of stroking and massaging the boobs of a girl you don't feel any reaction down there, sure you start worrying!!! If you had a normal reaction definitely you would worry much less!

Good luck my friends, enjoy life, that is fresh from top to bottom - especially when not wasting your weekends fapping when the sun is shining outside!

Sorry for the grammar mistakes, I wrote it in a rush and it is 2AM!
And just a last couple of things, probably trivial:
-your extra-time is the best time you have..don't waste it on porn!
-it is true, something happens also to the capability of connecting more with a sexual partner. And that's not sci-fi, oxytocin and the reward systems are connected, not to speak about the psychological aspect.

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Hi, I learned about YBOP site and book only recently. I do not have porn issues myself, in fact I do not watch porn at all. I am a 48 years old mom of four young men aged 13-23, and that is my connection to porn. I bought the book to help my sons and got fascinated by the subject, which was totally new to me. I also made some connections to events and statistics that I read about in Arab countries (I am a Jordanian -Canadian). For example Arab countries like Egypt and Saudi Arabia top the charts in internet porn consumption. But some things are in the rise that we know about only informally such as: rise in sexual harassment incidents, young boys raped and killed by men and male adolescents and somethings that was not as common in the past: grooms failing to have sex with their wives. Note that in the conservative societies in Arab countries, a man is a virgin until he is married. Or so is the assumption. I am starting to think that these are consequences to the secretive porn overconsumption by men and young men. The subject is so taboo in these places that there is absolutely no safe place for most men and especially adolescents and young men to get useful advice. And most parents are ignorant and unable to help except by working to prevent porn use at home, which pushes their sons even further away. I think YBOP could help. Is there a possibility to create an Arabic version of YBOP? Or Reboot the Arab Nation form? I actually got so excited about the book YBOP that I started translating it to Arabic. I contacted the publisher and learned that it has not been translated to Arabic yet. So I am working on it right now (finished chapter 1). I think it will be very beneficial to supplement the book with the website and allow Arabs to provide their experiences with porn and their suffering and recovery stories. Also, it may be more effective in creating the awareness of the Arab societies of the problem when they realize that these stories have been submitted from a computer near you. I believe that the benefits can be beyond listing and the science and information provided on this website is very valuable and hard to match.
So, as do you think an Arabic version of YBOP website is a possibility? Just think of the number of people who could benefit. Look at the porn use statistics!
Mbader

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