Bring on the Spectator Drugs!

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Bring on the Spectator Drugs!

When I read about athletes taking performance-enhancing drugs that ruin their health, render their accomplishments meaningless, and sometimes cost them their careers, I think to myself "Why should athletes have all the fun?" Everyone knows it's the fans who support the team and make the game what it is.

It's tough being a fan. It takes hard work and sacrifice. At least I imagine it does; the only sport I really follow is the ongoing battle between my cats. (I really think Chibuku can go all the way this year!) However, for the purpose of this essay I'm going to imagine being a fan takes hard work and sacrifice, and present some spectator-enhancing drugs to help ease the fans' burden and mess with their endocrine system.

Bladderex

This drug expands your bladder volume by up to 400 percent, allowing you to sit through any sporting event this side of a cricket game without having to get up and possibly miss the most amazing, inspiring or gory moment of said sporting event. Go ahead and order enough watery beer to actually get buzzed! Side effects include stomach discomfort, making a sloshing sound when you walk, and looking like you're wearing a fanny pack under your skin.

Temporistil

This drug was designed for watching baseball. Baseball, for those not in the know, is a relatively slow-moving game. If you're used to something faster-paced, like photographing lunar eclipses, you might find baseball something like watching a porn video where the plumber arrives and actually installs a new water heater before getting down to the good stuff. That's where Temporistil comes in; it alters your perception of time so that the few seconds where there's action on the field slow down like an extremely overused special effect, and the rest of the time – when the players are adjusting themselves and taking romantic strolls up to the pitcher's mound – gets compressed into a few instants. Side effects include dizziness, nausea and falling asleep while waiting for the peanut guy's toss to reach you.

Tivoprame

If you use your VCR, PVR or other recording device to save a game for later, you'll have to spend the day carefully avoiding hearing about the game you're about to watch. If you're a sports fan, you probably know a lot of other sports fans, so you have to eschew all human contact just so that you don't find out if the Carnivorous Vertebrates beat the Embarrassing Ethnic Stereotypes. Tivoprame eliminates your short-term memory, so that you can join in any conversation and forget any spoilers you heard minutes later, along with anything else you heard, read or observed. Side effects include disorientation, blurred vision and tattoos concerning your dead wife.

Pigmentomin

Sure, you'd like to be an obsessed fan, but who has time to paint their bodies with the team colors every home game? Not you, you're too busy raising angora leprechauns. Pigmentomin permanently changes your skin color to match your team, so that you can go straight from looking like a loon at a sporting event to looking like an idiot at a baptism. Pigmentomin XR also increases your resistance to cold so that you can look like a half-naked, masochistic dork. Side effects include sun sensitivity, rashes and feeling like a fool when your team moves across the country.

Realigone

No matter how much you try to immerse yourself in your favorite sport, you may find yourself occasionally subject to uncomfortable thoughts. Thoughts like "Why do I take pride in my hometown's team when none of the players are from here?" or "Why do I base so much of my personal identity on what is essentially an elaborate game of foosball played by billionaires?" Realigone eliminates these painful periods of recognition, allowing you to believe players and owners when they say they do it all for the fans. Side effects include paying eight bucks for a hot dog.

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Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to enjoy the odd Giants game, even though that Coca-Cola skeleton out past left field is kind of creepy.