All The World's A Stage. So Where's The Script?

Currently, via a CD ROM kindly leant to me by a friend without his knowledge, I have been hacking my way through Icewind Dale, a game like Baldur’s Gate, only colder. That’s all you need to know. Well, that and the fact that you must make up a team of six characters and watch as they die horribly… I mean beat up Goblins and suchlike. Yeah. But it’s a hard game. Very hard. So in order to help all those new at this game, and not as skilled as me, I have decided to create a walkthrough. Huzzah!

First, you will need to create your own set of six characters. Since I have already completed this game, I shall use the characters I already had. This will, however, result in the fact that mine will be insanely powerful, whilst yours will be as weak as a newborn kitten. But that just means you’re not trying hard enough. Did Henry the Eighth give up when his craft, Apollo 13, nearly crashed on Mars? No, I think not. Now for a run-down of my characters:

1 – Jerry Springer

Every cut-and-thrust party needs an embittered fighter, a man whose entire life has been spent in conquest of one form or another, for whom war is the only life they’ve ever known. More importantly however is the fact that every cut-and-thrust party needs a third-rate chatshow host. I decided to choose Jerry Springer, since I reasoned that his sharp wit would be able to cut through any goblin horde. I was wrong though, and so had to give him a magical “Kill-em-all” +4 Death-Sword.

2 – Mr Lame

Mr Lame is a blue and green dwarf. He sucks. He’s also a cleric, which means that whilst the others get to fight glorious battles against elves and zombies, this guy gets to write receipts for various banking firms. And is forced to ENJOY it.

3 – Slutette

Slutette is the traditional woman of virtue, one so pure as to be crystal-clear in conscience. Need to keep some ice-cubes cold? Well then, just store them between her legs. Actually, that’s a blatant lie. Slutette’s main power is her womanly wiles. My idea was that if my force was at the mercy of a heavily-armed Ogre, Slutette would.. erm.. keep him busy, allowing everyone else to escape. And let’s not even talk about giants. In the end though, her name became “Liability”, with her massive 4 health points total maximum. She sucked then, but not in the good way.

4 – Chris The Bastard

In no way based on anyone I know in real life, Chris The Bastard is a thieving git whose sound file consists solely of the words “har-de-har.” Which is not to mean he’s not useful, of course. In this game, there are many hidden traps on the ground, and only the thief can successfully find and disarm them. So like a sheep, I herd Chris over all the traps to ‘find’ and ‘disarm’ them. Yes, I know that’s not how it should be done, but it’s much, much more fun.

5 – Mr Magic!!!

Mr Magic!!! is notable if only for the fact that he has exclamation marks in his name. He’s also a magician. This tallies with his name, but at an early age, his career options were woefully limited, forced by his name to go into the magic area, since a fighter with the name “Mr Magic!!!” would be subject to constant jeers of “show us a trick then!”. Needlessly to say, after buying a flashy cloak, Mr Magic!!!’s first victims were his parents. His weapons include a pointy stick and his magic. Well, okay then, just his pointy stick. But it’s DAMN pointy!

6 – Gayboy Tracks

He’s gay. He’s also the only good guy in the group, since everyone else is set to “EVIL”. This leads to loads of hilarity within the gang, as humourous misunderstandings concerning hacking apart babies often pop up! Chortle!

And now to the walkthrough. Hurray.

You begin the game in a pub. Spend a few minutes having a few drinks and abusing the customers, it’s fun. Okay, so in the game this is impossible (although later on you can say “Haha, that’s HILARIOUS” to a small boy whose family have just been slaughtered by goblins) but you can pretend you’re saying this stuff. Now, a man will come up to you and ask you to go on a quest with him. Tell him to piss off, since you want to admire more female ass. Or just want to talk to him later, whatever.

Angry at the lack of any females in the town who aren’t either a) fat or b) Dwarves, the next step is the temple of Tempus. This is a place of mystery and holiness. So attack the priests and loot it. They might try to use their spells, but just fob them off with your Long Sword +7. Unless you don’t have one, which is very likely. In that scenario the temple priests will murder you, and you will need to run like bitches.

Next, you should come across a man looking confused. He tells you that he has been having dreams of a strange woman by the lake. Go down to the lake, and sure enough, you’ll see a strange green woman. She will give you a broken sword, and tell you to return it to the man for her. After using your sword to hack her to bits, go back to the man and tell him that the woman was evil and that he should give you all his worldly possessions. However, his idea of worldly possessions seems to be 4 gold coins and 3 fish. So kill him.

Stop by the bar to blow it up. Use all your super high level spells and weapons to do this.

One of the final evil villains of the game is revealed to be Pomab, the shopkeeper, who has been working with a demon from another dimension to create an army of monsters. So stop by his shop, and show him your army of monsters. Heh heh heh…

Down to the bottom left hand side of the map is a warehouse with three blatantly gay men in it. They are also violent, since when I attacked them, they pulled knives on me!

And now we come to the finale of this walkthrough as we come to the final villain. The very end of this game features a giant sword wielding demon. He’s the equivalent of a soft furry hamster compared to this guy. Get ready for…

The squirrel has four invincible child guardians situated around it. I’m not joking, the game designers made the squirrel and children stupidly powerful. The best tactic is to send your best fighters to attack the guardians, whilst your wizards blast the beast with fire and electricity and suchlike. However after a few minutes of grueling battle, no-one had yet died, and my characters were all at half-life. And then the man who I annoyed at the start came at me with a sword for attacking his squirrel. Blast after blast of magic filled the air. Chris The Bastard died after Mr Magic!!! ‘accidentally’ turned him into stone. Soon everyone, even the squirrel had died, and my injured force limped into the snow to die.

Of course since I had wiped out the town, it’s impossible to complete the game. But the above is how to do it RIGHT. I promise…