No inoculation from some Fakefluenza

Throughout recorded history, which began with the invention of "selfies," journalists have been keen to identify new trends, such as when Anderson Cooper realized that viewers enjoyed watching respected television anchors collapse in helpless laughter and giggle on air like a girl. So he does it a lot now.

That's just one example. Another would be when someone noticed that every statement issued by the state news agency in North Korea was a wildly entertaining lie produced by ghost writer Tina Fey.

Which brings me to the latest fad that I'm the first to identify: Fakefluenza. Put simply, Fakefluenza is a propensity among Americans to obsess, argue and mull over people and things that don't even exist. Last week, in fact, was a veritable Fakefluenzapalooza, perhaps because of all the stale air and smarmy holiday songs emanating from the nation's shopping malls, where many Americans will festively jostle one another for the next 10 days in their quest to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas.

I burgle the term from a new fake condition dubbed affluenza, which made headlines last week when a Texas teenager claimed that he drove drunk and killed four people because he has wealthy parents who never set limits. The youth received only probation and is reportedly headed to a $450,000-a-year California rehab facility that features "equine therapy," otherwise known as horseback riding, and everyone is ticked off because indigent defendants who kill people are typically sent to prison and never even see a horse, let alone receive one-on-one counseling from a sympathetic stallion.

Back in the day, we had another name for victims of affluenza. They were called spoiled brats, and if they ever drove drunk and blamed rich parents as an actual defense in court, they would have been executed.

Next we have the white Santa debate, started when Fox news anchor Megyn Kelly insisted that both Jesus and Santa Claus are white, after an article in "Slate" suggested that St. Nick could be more inclusive. On her show Wednesday night, Kelly seemed desperate to soothe the scores of impressionable Aryan toddlers tuned to Fox News.

"And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white," Kelly claimed of the character who doesn't exist. But my favorite part came when panelist Monica Crowley said, "You can't take facts and then try to change them to fit some sort of a political agenda or sensitivity agenda." Ha, ha! She actually said this on Fox News. How great is that?

And by the way, I fear for Kelly's own children — Edward Yates Brunt, Yardley Evans Brunt and Thatcher Bray Brunt. With names like that, what are the odds they've managed to avoid the scourge of affluenza?

Finally, the last incident of Fakefluenza concerns a study about alcohol, published in the British Medical Journal. According to this study that I'm not making up, researchers say James Bond could die from alcohol-related causes by age 56. After analyzing all 14 Bond books, they concluded he drinks more than four times what doctors recommend and that a real person would be unable to function as well as Bond while indulging in all those martinis.

The study notes that 2.5 million deaths worldwide are attributable to alcohol use, which begs the unavoidable questions: Could these researchers not locate a real drunkard to study? Because James Bond doesn't actually exist, would that make him less susceptible to liver disease?

As noted, Fakefluenza is rampant. Next week, we'll examine the arguments used by pro-life Michigan lawmakers to require "abortion insurance" for women.