Sports

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium.

CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water.

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis.

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed.

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Just Like Everything Else!: Fox
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC
Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.