Rich

So Dan is BIZZAY. You’re stuck with me recapping SYTYCD this week. It’s my first time taking a crack at the world of dance for Homorazzi. Usually I stick to things I know best like Top Model. I don’t know the difference between cha cha and samba steps. I don’t know much about technique. I was never a dancer… but I can bitch and cheer with the best of them. Nigel… watch out because I might have a bigger hate-on for you than my nemesis Tyrant. If Ryan ends up in the bottom three again this week and you keep her… I will throw rotten bananas at my tv. Stop forcing your faves on us! Let’s get this shiz rolling!

Oh hi Cat Deeley! What a lovely frock you have on. And shoes to die for as always. She’s so cute. I would love to take her out drinking. This week we’ve got a couple new faces joining Nigel and Mary on the panel. First up is Carmen Electra. Interesting choice. But even BETTER is Travis Wall making his panel DEBUT. He’s so cute. I’ll always be bitter that Spazzy… I mean Benji beat him in Season 2.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the final three took on a romantic photo shoot and all of them delivered… for the most part. Andre Leon Talley was not impressed with Hannah’s foot and she got the boot. She was always cannon fodder. Molly was called out first, continuing her late game surge. Left to fight it out in the finale with her is Brittani. It’s actually a pretty decent final two. Could you imagine if Tyrant had suckered us with Alexandria and Kasia. God. I would’ve died. So here we are. The Blonde vs the Brunette. Hilariously Snarky Molly vs Brittani the Redeemer. Will Tyrant reward Molly’s rise from the heinous weave makeover? Or will Brittani’s comeback from her mid-cycle meltdown be too good a story to ignore? Who will be America’s Next Top Model?

Okay. I gotta say this. It’s my first recap since the cast list for the Cycle 17 all-star edition was announced. OMFG. Do you know how much I raged to see Tyrant pick haggard old drama girls like Dominique, Lisa, Camille, and Alexandria. Awful. Seriously awful. Thankfully Alison and Kayla are in there to give me somebody to root for. The drama might just be too much. And speaking of delusional drama queens… where is Jade? She’s right up there with Camille and Alexandria. Turns out she didn’t like the contract they wanted her to sign. She said it was too one-sided. Hmmmm…. Whatever happened I am so effing glad Jade and her third-person crazy will not be back on my TV. Preach.

So here we are. Down to two. We start off in the bus with the two girls congratulating each other and retelling their sob stories. Molly was adopted and has abandonment issues. She went to rehab. Brittani had a mother with some sort of anxiety disorder and grew up in a trailer park. You can’t even make this shit up. They both talk about why they’re gonna win and how nervous they are about the CoverGirl commercial and shoot.

Twenty years ago, a young doctor in Vancouver named Dr. Peter Jepson-Young began a landmark series of video diaries that changed the way people across Canada and around the world looked at HIV/AIDS. He put a face and a story to the disease and helped an entire generation better understand it and those affected by it. He chronicled his journey, making 111 video diaries, right up until he died in November 1992. It is an amazing story that was turned into an Academy Award-nominated CBC/HBO documentary called, The Broadcast Tapes of Dr. Peter. Just before he died, he established the Dr. Peter AIDS Foundation. Twenty years later, his legacy lives on in Vancouver’s Dr. Peter Centre and today, you can help this amazing organization just by partying. That’s right. I said PARTY.

On June 5th, come spend your Sunday at a Tea Dance for the second annual Hangout party. We’ll raise some awareness, promote an amazing cause, donate some money, and drink fabulous cocktails while doing it. This year, the Hangout will feature some of Vancouver’s hottest DJs, including, Adam Dreaddy,Jeffrey Michael, Landon James, Mumbles, and Quest. Homorazzi’s own Tommy will be hosting as Syren!

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant took a step towards my good books by eliminating Alexandria. You heard that right. No longer is being the villain enough to get you into the final two. Alexandria annoyed the judges, she annoyed photographers, she annoyed contestants, and she annoyed me. So glad she’s gone. That leaves us with Hannah, Molly, and Brittani. Hannah, the girl who we always forget because she’s forgettable. Brittani, the young wannabe with a fierce temper on the road to redemption. Molly, the beautiful but sometimes dour and acid tongued attitude. Who will make the final two? How many times will Tyrant talk about herself? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Tonight’s customary second paragraph off-topic rant is about umbrellas. Ugh. It’s been raining for a few days here in Vancouver and you’d think people who live on the edge of a rainforest would know how to use their umbrellas. No. They don’t. Especially short little women. Hello! There are tall people above you dodging your shrapnel laced brolly batch! Pay attention. I bet Tyrant never has to worry about umbrellas. She probably gets Miss J to run people over. I need a Miss J. Donovan? Will you be my Miss J?

Shit. An old friend popped by and interrupted the recap. I’m tipsy. Hold on to your hats and down that Pinot Gris. I sure did. Don’t give me no shit about spelling or punctuation.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the five remaining wannabes packed their bags and took off for Morocco. They met with the incomparable Andre Leon Talley and posed on top off some camels for a high fashion ode to Sex and the City 2. Molly rocked, Brittani got some redemption, and Hannah continued to be pretty much invisible. Blow up doll Kasia finally landed in the bottom two and went head to head with this Cycle’s most hated… Alexandria. The control freak delusionoid was spared sending Kasia and her floppy mouth home. Only four girls remain. Can Molly continue this late game surge? Will Nigel say something sexy? Will Tyrant make my day and send Alexandria packing? Who will be eliminated tonight?

This week’s off-topic rant is actually not off-topic. Tyrant has announced Cycle 17 will be All Stars. Seriously. I am gagging with excitement. I’ve been craving an All Stars forever. To be fair, this could all go sideways on us… and let’s be honest… Tyrant is going to cast drama queens over talent. I mean, any of the models with actual potential should be modeling by now. Could you imagine Robyn, Jade, Lisa, Tiffany, and Alexandria all in a house together? Apocalypse! I would love to see the Cycle be a ‘second chance’ edition… bring back the girls Tyrant kicked out because they started off strong but didn’t grow. I still hate her for Lauren Brie’s early exit. PS… did I mention that this Shiraz is tasting real good right now!

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Alexandria officially became one of my most loathed wannabes in all 16 cycles. No joke. She’s right up there with Robyn, Melrose, Jade, and Bree. Her winning ways, both the Go-See challenge and first call out, only exacerbated my disdain. She looks old, she’s fake, she’s bossy, and she brings the worst out in everyone else. Sigh. I guess I should just get used to her being around. Drama breeds stories that feed Tyrant’s editors. The other shiteous news was Jaclyn’s incredibly undeserved elimination. She had some GORGE shots this cycle. Gone too soon… especially when blow up doll Kasia is still in the running. Tonight, they’re off to Morocco. Who will get spit on by a camel first? Who will complain about sand in their coochies? How badly will Tyrant deliver a mangled Middle Eastern accent? Who will be eliminated tonight?

In off-topic other news, President Obama finally showed off his birth certificate today and made Donald Trump look like the total ass we all know him to be. Who in the hell is Donald Trump to rant and rave about the President’s birth. That jackass should be sued and then shoved under a waterfall so we can all see what he looks like when that rat’s nest of a hair-do comes unglued. Trumprant over. Back to Tyrant!

Not wasting any time with silly animated airplanes, we start off this week in Marrakesh. Oh look! A camel! We wouldn’t want to project any stereotypes on Top Model though… would we? The top five are all stoked to be there. Alexandria talks about being misunderstood. I tune her out. Molly is a little stressed about how everyone thinks she walks around wanting to kill people. She’s exaggerating, but she doesn’t want to be seen as the angry girl. She confesses that it might have something to do with abandonment issues from being adopted. Oh no. Not Molly! No more sob stories! Just own your shit and model! The only good thing happening is the joke Hannah just made about “camel toes”. Lols.

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, dear Brittani decided to take on Alexandria and paid a very heavy price. Yes… Alexandria is the Cycle’s beotch and I can’t stand her, but gurl, don’t start a catfight if you don’t have the claws! I really like Brittani but she wilted under the pressure of being confronted at panel by Holy Tyrant. There was crying, snot dripping, and hyperventilating. Brittani even STORMED off stage. Not good. She almost got herself booted. It was Mikaela who was sent home. Where did that come from? Will Alexandria keep up with her bitchy self-delusional ways? Will Tyrant come to her senses and get rid of her? Can Brittani recover from her breakdown? Who will be eliminated tonight?

Ok. Confessional. I somehow got a full week behind on the recapping. My bad. I was distracted last week, but I assure you it was for a good cause. Thankfully, the ANTM gods decided to do a Cycle recap episode this week. And you know what? There is nothing I hate more than a reCRAP episode. So, I get to catch up on what… and who… went down last week.

We start off with more crying, snot dripping and hyperventilating. Brittani is just losing it in the confessional room. Seriously. Pull yourself together. Snap out of it. Nobody puts baby in a corner! You do not look cute doing this. Oh good. She’s listening. She apologized to Alexandria and they hugged it out. Side note… why is Kasia still here???

Previously on America’s Next Top Model, Tyrant was caring enough to give an evening of her time to coach the girls on what type of model they are. In other words, she slapped overdone and fairly inaccurate stereotypes on them. On the flip side, she FINALLY took that heinous animal off of Molly’s head. It only took her 6 episodes to swallow her pride. In other news, Alexandria continued to cause drama, but Monique decided to step up her bitching. It cost her. After the group shots, she was sent packing. And somehow Kasia keeps doing well. I don’t get it. Can the blow up doll keep up the pace? Can Mikaela live up to her bone structure? Will Molly rock it out with her own hair? Who will be eliminated tonight?

First off, HUGE thank you to Nic for recapping last week. I was away at a family wedding in Bucks County Pennsylvania. And you know what? Thank god I didn’t have to recap that ep. Tyrant was in full blown self-absorbed mode. Blah blah blah. I’m so famous. Blah blah blah. People have said horrible things about me. Blah blah blah. Your ass reminds me of me. Wait. What? She actually slapped Monique’s ass on her way out! Okay… maybe I did miss out on a good rant.