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Conservative car review: 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage

2014 Mitsubishi Mirage. Who are they trying to appeal to with this color, hmmm?

The perfect grocery-getter for a Liberal Utopia

by Philip Uvschidt

Most car fans are familiar with the Lada, the official car of the Soviet Union. Under communism, there was no need for individual choice — just one little crap-box for all of the “comrades” to drive.

Ask a liberal what kind of car he likes best, and he’ll describe something that’s small, affordable, space efficient, and fuel efficient. Something that doesn’t use up too much resources or take up too much space. A car that’s kind to everyone and that you can afford on a welfare paycheck. (It doesn’t have to run well; the more it breaks down, the more work there is for the blue-collar classes.)

In other words, he wants a Lada.

That’s why liberals are going to LOVE the new Mitsubishi Mirage, an undersized, underpowered, uninteresting appliance of a car that can barely get out of its own way. But it’s kind to the environment, thanks to an 1.2 liter three-cylinder engine that cranks out just 74 horsepower. We prefer our cars with 300 or more, but any good liberal will tell you that 74 is enough for anybody. Besides, this little puppy is EPA-rated at 37 MPG city and 44 MPG highway, so it uses precious little of our supposedly dwindling oil supplies. (Never mind that we could simply DRILL FOR MORE.)

74 horsepower is adequate… for a sewing machine.

I timed the Mirage’s 0-60 run at an agonizing 15 seconds, about twice as long as it takes in the Ford F-150 pickup that serves as my daily driver. To my mind, that makes the Mirage downright dangerous for driving on the freeway. It’s fine for liberals, though — so what if their Mirage gets run over by a speeding 18-wheeler driven by a coked-up Mexican? That’s why we have Obamacare.

The Mirage’s ride and handling are downright scary. Its tires are about as wide as the hubcaps on the politically-incorrect Chevy Impala I drove in college*, so it doesn’t like taking turns very quickly. All the more reason for Obama to bring back the 55 MPH speed limit, right?

* That’s right, lefties, not all of us Conservatives are uneducated hicks from Bangyersister, Mississippi.

Inside, the Mirage is a liberal’s dream: Acres of boring black and gray plastic. No leather, no wood trim, none of the trappings of wealth, because personal achievement is bad. We’re all equally worthless in the socialist utopia.

I found the front seats slightly undersized, but then again, I’m slightly overweight… sorry, I’m a fitness-challenged American. Once the Obama administration makes sugared soda and fatty desserts illegal, I’m sure I’ll fit just fine. Mitsubishi says the Mirage will seat five, but I don’t think the back seat is nearly big enough for a family. No matter, that’s why we have Roe vs. Wade.

This is all the luxury you need, comrade.

Mitsubishi offers the Mirage in several bright colors, including purple. Purple?? Oh, no, they’re not pandering to the liberal left at all.

And of course, the Mirage isn’t built in America, because no self-respecting liberal would buy an American car. Instead it’s built in Thailand, where the workers get to keep maybe $3 of the Mirage’s $12,995 price tag. Wouldn’t want them to develop a taste for wealth, now would we?

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT

The Mirage is the perfect car for a socialist world: No comfort, no luxury, no driving fun, just simple, fuel-efficient, utilitarian transportation. Liberals may love it, but until Obama takes away our pickup trucks and Cadillacs, I’ll skip it.