John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

You need to do the work on yourself so you can tell the children about their dad who they won't remember. (Publisheed 11/25/2014)

Q:

Our 29 yr old son shot himself. His wife found him in their garage when she came home from work. She was 3 months pregnant and has two little girls also. It's been 4 years and I'm still coping with "a flu like feeling" everyday—constantly wondering why. Now the kids are a little older and they miss him; they ask questions about him when they visit. After they're gone I break down. They needed him and he's gone! How can I ever get over this?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Judy,

It’s almost impossible to imagine how you manage to live with the images and memories of what happened. And when you say, “a flu like feeling,” we often say that unresolved grief is lie a “low-grade infection that never goes away.” Same idea, and neither of them feel good.

Let us address you first and then the children. Please go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you’ve already figured out, time isn't healing your heart, because time is not an action. As you do the work the book asks you to do, you’ll find a shift in you. The flu-like thing will be able to go away and you’ll stop “breaking down.” You’ll also be able to stop asking why.

One of the reasons you need to do the work on yourself is so you can tell the children about their dad. Even though they have a mom who can tell them things about him, you know other things from all the way back in his life.

In order for you and your daughter-in-law to help the children the best way possible, we recommend you also get a copy of When Children Grieve. It’s filled with guidance to help you help the children deal with their father’s death and their life without him, and other losses that will happen along the way. It will give you a better ability to answer the questions they ask.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.