Tag Archives: bitches

I have been watching Pretty Little Liars for the entirety of its existence and have even re-watched seasons because I love it so. Those girls are just so damn pretty, and SO SO dumb, that I cannot resist it. But I have been reluctant to cover it here because it is a really complicated show, and I have little to no stick-to-itiveness, as evidenced by my lapse in The Carrie Diaries coverage. (It just got too earnest for me! I will bring it back I promise!) Recently, due to the creation of the Pretty Little Drinkers (my friends and I watching PLL in a bar), I have had a change of heart. I will now start doing drunken recaps of PLL for your reading pleasure. They will not be overly detailed and may focus a lot on the girls’ sartorial choices, but IT’S BETTER THAN NOTHING, RIGHT? Episode 1 of Season 4 coming soon!

Kolleen: Hey y’all! Sorry we stink and haven’t been updating. TIMES ARE BUSY/ TOUGH/ etc. But luckily, Degrassi is ALWAYS there for us. So I’m gonna tell you what you want, what you really really want: I am going to review this Spice Girls’ homage of an episode, Wannabe, just for you.

We open with Liberty interviewing Hazel and Paige about their new school sanctioned club! How EXCITING! It’s a cheerleading club (or team or whatever). Libs wants to know what they would say to someone who thinks cheerleading is ‘sexist’ (is this ‘someone’ YOU, Liberty?) and Hazel only has one thing to say: GET OVER IT! Also interviewed is some kid we have never seen before who looks kind of like a bizarro version of my friend Ryan.

Who are you, exactly?

When the interview is over– and before anyone can breathe a relaxing, cleansing sigh of relief that Liberty is gone– Manny shows up wanting in on this cheerleading gig. Paige asks her what she can do, and Manny does an impressive double cartwheel. I could never cartwheel so I am instantly jelly. You hear some off- screen voice say “Wow, look what she can do!” so this is obviously the most exciting thing to ever happen in Degrassi’s hallways. Emma feels like cheerleading is a step backwards for the young feminists of Degrassi, She says she doubts that the men on the squad will be wearing tight shirts and short skirts (to which Manny gasps, “I hope not!” Not cool Manny. Not cool). Manny insists cheerleading is fun and Emma almost throws up all over her. She says she’s “SURPRISED”. Has she been paying attention to Manny at all, ever? She’s a quintessential cheerleader!

Meanwhile, in the cafeteria, Toby and JT are mowing down on Pringles (or some brand that is supposed to be Pringles. I can’t catch the brand name). They are trying to win a contest, as evidenced from this picture:

I love Pringles. I wish I had some.

They’re trying to win some ~*krunk financialz*~ and to do that they need the Ace of Spades and Ace of Clubs but they’re in search for the Clubs, dammit! So they harass Liberty for her “chip” can, and she calls them pathetic. For once, I agree with her. This is lame. Of course Liberty’s can has the Ace of Clubs printed inside, and of COURSE Toby does a terrible job of concealing this. So now they have to share the wealth. Toby, you fool!

Emma and Manny are trying to find a seat when Paige interrupts asking Manny to do the cartwheel again. Of course you hear that same disembodied voice: “Wow! She’s still amazing!” No shit! She didn’t forget how to cartwheel in half an afternoon. Emma is disgusted. Just disgusted. She’s the only one who hates cheerleading and she wants everyone to conform to her stupid opinion. Manny just wants the subject dropped.

Liberty is working hard to convince JT and Toby that they need her, so they’ll have to split the pot 50/50– or as Spinner interjects, 45/45 (which doesn’t even make sense!). See, Spinner has been eavesdropping! Oh but wait, he only wants 10%– for “protection”. They for some reason all agree this is a good idea. They’re rich! 1 million smackers!

Outside, Paige and Hazel ask Manny what’s wrong, and like a girl desperate to fit in, she throws Emma right under the feminism bus! Some friend. In an obvious attempt to sway Manny from Emma’s grasp, they ask her if she wants some “girl time” and they all walk away arm in arm, three horribly dressed wenches.

Manny’s pants literally go up to right below her boobs.

At Manny’s they all dish on who’s hot and who’s not. Just as they start making fun of Emma, she calls, like some stalker with a sixth sense. Manny gives her the ole “I’m sick, please don’t embarrass my new friends with your feminist rhetoric” spiel. Of course Paige opens her big mouth and Emma figures out that Manny has ditched her for cooler chicks.

Oh yeah, and JT can’t find that Pringles container. Idiot.

At cheerleading practice the next day, Hazel demonstrates a terrible toe- touch and Paige says she bets Manny can do it better, which she does, of course, then adds a split for extra gusto. Hazel is not happy. In the hall, Emma looks on, dejected and sad. And a little creepy. And if I know Emma, she is going to go back on her promise not to write about how sexist cheerleading is, all because she feels rejected by her friend.

What a creep

And BAM. Faster than you can say “sore loser” Emma is in Lib’s office, asking her if she can submit a last minute article for the Grapevine. WHAT A BITCH. Of course Liberty is all aboard the anti- cheer campaign, probably because cheering requires perfect posture, and as you can see from this picture, Liberty is lacking in that department:

Ole pretzel- posture van Zandt

Emma’s piece is all about how cheerleaders are bimbos, by the way. It’s insanely slut- shaming and misogynistic so I suggest she take a Feminist Theory course. Liberty is ok with how harsh it is, but is a little confused as to why Emma is suddenly attacking Manny in a totally passive- aggressive way. Emma calls Manny a phony, then they talk about Liberty’s ugly red cowgirl boots for a bit.

If Craig doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to punch myself in the face.

This episode is so boring. Emma runs into ManPaiZel (my portmanteau for Manny, Paige, and Hazel– feel free to use it) in the hall where a string of not so cutting insults are exchanged: “Shouldn’t you be testing your makeup on ANIMALS?” “Shouldn’t you be hugging a TREE?” I mean listen, ladies, you’ll never make it in the real world if you can’t come up with some unprintable words to call each other. Manny reads Emma’s article and storms off in tears. Emma follows her into the bathroom and they have a fight about how Paige may or may not be using Manny. Emma calls Paige a WANNABE. I don’t know what she wants to be, but she’s a wannabe, dammit. Manny tells Emma that she’s so boring, she wants to scream. Butthurtedness commences.

JT has to admit to Toby that he lost the Ace of Spades can, and Toby FREAKS. They try desperately to retrace JTs steps. Spinner is even ready to beat him up! This is serious. He threatens to stuff JT in his locker– LIGHTBULB! It’s probably in his disease- ridden, hoarded to the hilt locker. He finds the can and guess what– THEY’RE BOTH ACE OF CLUBS. Locker stuffing ensues, and with good cause.

In the hall, Manny sees Paige and Hazel stealing all the copies of the Grapevine. They go to task ripping the op-ed out of each issue. Manny is obviously conflicted but she needs to make this squad, dammit! The peer pressure is so high, it’s borderline hazing. So Manny joins in on the vandalism. Of course it is not long before Emma finds out, and Mr. Simpson has to confront the girls. Paige denies it vehemently (and poorly). Manny’s guilt is overwhelming. She is just about to confess when Paige throws Hazel under the bus!!! OMG. Simpson warns them that more incidents like this will result in activities being cancelled. Manny is so disgusted by Paige’s backstabbing, and she threatens to blame it all on Manny if she spills the beans. She even says “What is your damage?” which is a great insult that I may adopt into my everyday conversations. They have WORDS in the hall in front of everyone! Paige storms away in a huff– I don’t think Manny will be cheering this year.

Emma and Manny tenderly make up. Emma apologizes and Manny says she just wanted to have fun. You know what? She really DID just want to have fun, and because Emma is a childish weirdo she had to make things complicated. I mean it doesn’t help that Paige is such a two- faced jerk, but really, Emma started this chain of events by being really annoying about her ideologies. THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE EMMA. Somehow I don’t think she’s learned her lesson.

Whew. What a hard episode to cover, mostly because I know Craig is so close yet he seems so far. See you soon, everyone, and don’t forget to vote in our poll!

Letty: Jeez, with friends like this, who needs enemies? AMIRITE. I’m glad we have each other Kolleen. We can just sup on Arbor Mist and hold hands and be merry. Everyone look for my article in the Grapevine about how poetry is for losers. SIKE.

P.S. Can I just say how excited I am that we are back and that we are ONE STEP CLOSER TO CRAIG. I can almost taste him.

Kolleen: Oh wow! Another goddamned Ashley episode. They should just rename this show ASHLEY: THE NEXT GENERATION. Ashley’s parents are obviously divorced, since we know her mom lives with Toby’s dad. So it’s shocking to see Ashley getting a ride home from her bio dad after a delcious brunch! He is a reporter or something and is going to speak at her school. He’s also pretty hunky. He’s back from a short stint living in London.

As Ashely walks into the house, her mom and sorta- step- dad are fighting over how he never remembers to rinse vinegar through the dishwater. Like an idiot, he never considers HARD WATER. Who does really? Shut it, Kate. Kate also seems verrrry interested in what her ex had to say while at brunch. Is she rethinking her divorce? Maybe she wants to rekindle the romance?

In class, Terri and Ash gush over a locket that used to belong to Terri’s dead mom. Kind of creepy. It has no context to the show other than to shoehorn in the fact that Terri’s mom is dead. Then Mrs. Quan comes in and reminds them all about their test on Lord of the Flies (still? Man, what a rough semester). And she is holding the coolest goddamned poster in the history of posters:

Woah.

Ashley tells Terri about how her mom was asking all about her dad and thinks something is up. Meanwhile in Media Immersion, Toby is basically teaching the class and Emma is grilling Sean about whether or not he wrote a haiku that’s due for Mrs. Quan’s class. Are there only two teachers in this school? Sean doesn’t care at all about haikus, but of course Emma has to recite hers NOW instead of just waiting for class to start.

“Ancient waves so pure/ Lapping on the shores of time/ Early death our fault”

Sean is obviously so bored with Emma. She says the haiku is about our polluted oceans and he says “mmhmm”. I could end the review right there– he’s won at Degrassi. Just tune her out, Sean, and hope that she’ll give it up for you at some point so you can never talk to her again. Luckily before she can go on about holes in the ozone layer JT throws a paper airplane, breaking the magical spell. Mr. Snake is PISSED until Liberty takes the blame. WHATTTTTTT? JT wonders why she would do such a thing and Emma points out that Libs is totes crushing on him. It’s so ~obvious~. This is the same Emma that didn’t realize Toby was renting endangered turtle DVDs to woo her a week ago. Liberty asks if she can interview JT for some reason and JT agrees even though it seems like he’d rather be stabbing himself in the eyes with rusty nails.

I am a poetry student and I think this is the greatest thing that has ever been written, in my honest opinion. Mrs. Quan LOVES it. Next Libs is up. She recites some awful thing about how JT is cute, but without using his name. Then she makes the googliest of faces at him and he gets super uncomfortable. If I were JT, I would file a complaint with someone.

Shut up Liberty.

Ash’s dad is in Media Immersion talking about how in Kosovo he got shot at and still has shrapnel in his butt. Everyone is all gooshy over him. Man, the hormones are running buck- wild at Degrassi! I’m surprised no one is pregnant yet. Paige wants to bang him and is so confused as to why Ashley’s parents split. Ashley says they just didn’t get along. I’m sure that’s the whole story and he isn’t harboring some deep secret or anything.

JT hides from Liberty in his locker but she still finds him, and he tells her off, using the excuse that he has dance lessons with Toby. She doesn’t buy it, because she’s obviously a homophobe.

Ashley’s dad drives her home and they run into her mom. She wants to catch up with Ashley’s dad and they send her off so they can obviously talk about how shitty her eyebrows are. When he leaves, her mom goes on and on about how handsome and charming he is. Ashley suggests they get back together because they’re all secrety and weird lately, and her mom gets that look moms get when they are about to tell you they slept with your boyfriend. Ash senses something’s up and demands answers. She’s like, “What’s, he like, gay?!” and her mom is like, “YES YOU DUMB BITCH.”

CORE: ROCKED

The next day at school, JT and Toby are discussing with great curiosity how men could make love to other men, because men are gross. Tobes’ sage wisdom: “Some people are just gay, I guess.” Brilliant words from a brilliant man. Terri totally knows something is up with Ashley because she’s sitting alone all dejected like someone told her to fix her eyebrows or something, and wants to know if she can help. Of course PAIGE has to butt in and asks if she can talk. She seems like her normal bitchy self and asks if she thinks Ashley’s stylish dad could maybe be gay. However the grand irony is Paige isn’t being a bitch– she really is trying to help because her older brother is gay! But since Ashley has to be all sensey- defensey, she throws her chocolate milk at Paige, which is of course hilarious.

MILKED’D~~~

Liberty asks Emma if she has a chance with JT. JT is annoyed because she won’t take the hint that he would rather make love to a shag rug then ever touch Liberty. So he comes up with a fool- proof plan to pretend he’s gay so that she’ll leave him alone. Like that will work with no social repercussions at all. He tells her and she thinks he’s joking, but then is super supportive and denies liking him. At least we know Liberty isn’t a homophobe. I hate homophobes. To prove he’s all about men, he later saunters into class like an extra on RuPaul’s Drag Race. She doesn’t buy it.

“Hey, Liberty, girlfriend!”

Ash and her dad have a heart to heart about how her parents wanted to wait til she was older to know that he liked bros, not hos. He had to find himself, even if it meant hurting everyone he’s built a life with. That’s kind of low, but at least he hates himself for hurting them. She seems okay with it. But then she asks if he’s ever banged another dude and he says mostly just his partner Christopher. She realizes he left her family for CHRISTOPHER. He said he fell in love, and that’s all he can say about it. She is DISGUSTED. Maybe it’s just the thought of blonde, mustachioed Christopher, but she yells at her dad for lying to her and runs off.

The next day Liberty is sporting a rainbow ribbon in her hair– she’s really a supportive gal– and suggests that JT come out in the next issue of the Grapevine to be an inspiration for others. He admits he’s not gay and she is sort of pissed that he didn’t just say that he wasn’t interested. In his defense, he DID hide in a closet to get away from her, and she didn’t seem to bat an eyelash. Drastic measures.

Terri tells Ash to get over her dad being gay because Terri’s mom is DEAD and that is WAY WORSE. Then, once more, the episode just ends with Ashley looking all morose and introspective. Man, I can’t wait til Craig shows up. These episodes are killing me. For what it’s worth, this was Jeff (my husband)’s favorite episode to date (he is forced to watch it with me as I review).

Letty: Kolleen is busy playing at the beach so I am going to tackle this episode of DNG. It’s been a while since I’ve watched these old episodes so I am mega pumped revisit them and be steeped in awkwardness.

Well, Parents’ Day is approaching at Degrassi and Toby and JT are NOT looking forward to it. Toby’s parents are divorced and it turns out his bat shit crazy mom is planning on coming to Parents’ Day. As it is now, Tobes spends every other weekend with his mom and the rest of the time with his dad. When his parents are together it’s ALL OUT WAR (which in Canada could very well mean just a minor spat). JT doesn’t want his parents to come to Parents’ Night and find out about the ‘D’ he received on his last math test. To be fair, The ‘D’ should come as no surprise to his parents as it is apparent JT has some sort of learning disability based on the fact that he is wearing orange rave pants to school. Class starts and instead of Ashley’s normal morning announcements the class watches NAK, News About Kids. Emma rolls her eyes and seems put out by having to watch NAK because of their blatant product placement, but is soon drawn in by their gripping report on “squeegee kids”, homeless kids who survive by cleaning car windows.

Concerned or constipated?

Emma is quite the opinionated young woman and takes offense to NAK’s claims that the squeegee kids use their bum money for drugs and tattoos and protests that they are just trying to make a living. Since idealististic Emma isn’t one to just let shit lie, you know that we are going to have to hear more about this whether we want to or not. ::yawwwn::

Meanwhile, Paige and Terri walk in on Ashley pouting in the bathroom mirror. Ashley is morose because according to bitchy Paige, Ashley goes “all manic depressive” when she doesn’t get to give the morning announcements. It’s a good thing Emma wasn’t in the bathroom because then she would probably lecture Paige about stereotyping people with psychiatric disorders or something boring like that. Terri agrees with Paige’s assertion that Ashley is a sad sack bitch when she doesn’t get to give the announcements, but thinks that Ashley is a better reporter than those NAK kids and should get an agent. OF COURSE. I mean ~~Heather Sinclair~~has an agent, why not Ashley?!? It turns out that Tobe’s mom is a casting agent and with Ashley’s radiant beauty, over plucked eyebrows, and on-air experience, Terri knows that Ashley will definitely be signed. Terri and Ashley leave the bathroom tittering like inane chickens while bitchy Paige stares at the two thin greasy strands of hair hanging in her face in the mirror and seethes with jealousy.

Girl, Imma gonna take some scissors to those hair strings.

Outside at lunch, Emma is ranting and raving about how NAK is for chumps and that the news show is trying to buy the students’ “brand loyalty” and discourage creative thinking or some bullshit like that. She storms off to take action and her friends seem relieved that she is leaving. JT quips, “Imagine being her for a day.” Yes, imagine having a million sticks up your ass. Emma has a ballsy meeting with the principal, Mr. Radditch, who explains that in exchange for showing NAK’s crappy biased newscasts, the school received 18 new computers. Emma screeches about bribery and Mr. Radditch shoots her down by telling her that the parents voted for it and that not every kid has a computer at home. Probably just to get her the hell out of his office, he tells her to write an editorial about it that has to be in by 4 pm THAT AFTERNOON. Determined as always, Emma sets her jaw and gets to work.

Under a bridge somewhere, trolly insecure Paige is worried that Ashley is prettier than her and Spinner’s claims that he could TOTALLY see Ashley on television does nothing to make her feel better. On a unrelated topic, Paige is like supposed to be the HBIC at Degrassi and the best dude she could snag is Spinner, a guy she stole from her chubby friend? What’s the deal with that? There aren’t any cuter available guys in the ENTIRE school? Anyway, Paige makes it clear to Ashley that she is going to have some competition in getting Toby’s mom’s attention.

While Paige is busy being crappy, Emma is hard at work with Manny on her editorial in the computer lab. Manny is such a good friend, she puts up with all of Emma’s sanctimonious shit and actually seems interested in what Emma is trying to write. Super bad boy, Sean is also in computer lab and has all of his personal belongings in a chair so Manny has to stand. He scoffs at Emma’s editorial pursuits and leaves in a huff when the girls ask if he could move all his crap so Manny could sit down. That boy, he sure has a chip on his shoulder. Meanwhile, across the lab, Toby has come up with the master plan of forging a letter from Mr. Simpson stating that because of Toby’s “exemplery purformance in all of his scholastic pursuits” his parents don’t need to attend Parents’ Day. Solid plan Tobes, no need to spell check, carry on.

Emma hauls ass down the hall (she really does move with the grace and charm of a young Audrey Hepburn) to turn in her editorial and then unfortunately we are treated to a super irritating scene between Liberty and Emma in which Liberty acts like some sort of hardass newspaper editor from the 1920’s. She says things like, “I’m trying to run a professional operation here.” and the entire time the only thing I could focus on were Liberty’s weird pre-boobies, because I am some sort of pervert or something. How did Liberty get to be editor of the school newspaper anyway? She is only a 7th grader.

UGH.

Toby gives his fake spelling mistake ladened letter to his dad and immediately his dad wants to know what is up. Tobes confesses that his mom wants to come to Parents’ Night and that he would rather get caught watching porn with JT again, than have his two parents in a room together because he knows they are going to bicker. His dad promises to be on his best behavior.

BZZT! It’s Parents’ Night! Let the ~~drama~~ begin! Ashley, dressed like a beatnik poet in a black turtleneck, is primping in the bathroom. She is so nervous she is shaking and can’t apply her eyeliner properly. She asks Terri to help, and Terri with all the grace of a chimpanzee learning to use a fork, nearly pokes Ashley’s eye out. Ashley says some bitchy things to Terri (I’m glad Terri has such good friends!), when Paige busts out of the bathroom stall wearing a slinky, gold snakeskin top that bares her belly. Her shirt reminds me of a pair of snakeskin pants I bought a Gadzooks when I was 16. I wore them once and I still feel embarrassed by it. It dawns on Ashley that Paige is trying to show off for Toby’s mom, but when his mom finally shows up, she just brushes both of those dumb broads off.

Things start off normal at the meeting between Mr. Simpson and Toby’s parents but then they start blaming each other for Toby’s educational failings. Things are escalating and just when I think that Toby’s dad is going to yell at his mom for being a frigid bitch in bed, Toby stands up for himself and makes them stop arguing. Just like that Tobes sprouted his very first pubic hair.

Out in the hallway Emma and her mom, Spike, walk past a bulletin board featuring Emma’s editorial about NAK. At the same time bad boy Sean and his even more bad boy older brother,TRACKER, are walking out of a classroom discussing the editorial. Tracker says the writer of the editorial is a idiot and Emma, never being one to just shut the hell up, runs her mouth off and says that he is the idiot because he didn’t get the point. Tracker tells her they can’t afford a computer at home and without the free computers at school Sean would be falling behind at school. He then crumbles up her article and calls it garbage. I have never been so aroused in my life.

After a successful meeting with Mr. Simpson, Toby and his parents are leaving when they are bombarded by Ashley and Paige. Paige tries to be all sickly sweet and awkwardly gives his mom a polaroid of herself “to remember her by”. Again, both Ashley and Paige are given the brush off. But wait! Toby’s mom notices plain ‘ole Terri (who I actually think is very pretty, but has an extremely unfortunate gait.) by the door and hands her a business card and tells her to call if she’s ever interested in acting. Take that bitchy friends!

How could you resist those perfectly plucked brows?

With that, Parents’ Day is over. The next day at school Emma and Sean are sitting next to each other in the computer lab. Emma keeps shooting Sean these weird guilty looks and finally she gets up the nerve to send him an instant message apologizing for being a bitch to his brother. Sean tells her that her article wasn’t garbage and a super creepy closed mouth smile spreads across Emma’s face, a smile that will surely haunt my dreams.

::shudder::

After that, the episode is finally over. Well, not before Mr. Simpson punishes Toby for his shitty forgery job and makes him write a 10-page essay on why it’s wrong to falsify documents. Dude, really a 10-page essay? That’s harsh, bro.

Hopefully the next episode of Degrassi will feature something more scandalous than editorials and bickering parents–BOOOOOORING. I am ready for some real ~drama~. I hope you had fun at the beach Kolleen! ❤

Kolleen: You bet your sweet bippy I had fun at the beach! Sun, sand, surf, German fries… Then I took a nap and went to see the Helmet/Toadies concert at the Paradise in Boston. It’s been a LONG day.

Letty, I’m glad you tackled this episode. I thought it was so dull. I mean I guess seeing Terri get that comeuppance I was alluding to earlier was good, but I really thought this episode was a snoozefest. And can we talk about Tracker for a minute? Hillbilly name aside, he was the best thing this episode had going for him. I would make sweet love to him in a janitorial closet any day.

I’ll be back with more DGN tomorrow (technically today), and tune in Sunday when I tackle the pilot episode of My So Called Life!

Kolleen: Everyone knows Degrassi episodes are named after song titles. Well maybe not season 1, but maybe, I don’t really care to research it further. Is “Eye of the Beholder” a song title? It’s an awesome Twilight Zone episode. Anyway, the name of this episode should be “Bizarre Love Triangle”, because I can’t think of ANYTHING more groan- inducing than a Paige- Terri-Spinner threesome.

We open on Terri eating breakfast. Her dad asks her if she’s excited about the upcoming school dance– the first night dance in Degrassi history! She’s not excited, though. Because she hates her body. She thinks she’s fat, and no one would want to dance with a fat girl (I love that DNG deals with REAL ISSUES. What teen girl doesn’t hate their body? We’ll see more of the negative- body-image theme down the road).

Her dad insists that she is beautiful ! Totally beautiful! It’s a little creepy, his enthusiasm, really. Maybe he just wants her to GTFO of the house for a night so he can get a blowjob or something. It’s tough being a parent nowadays.

At Degrassi, Spinner asks Terri for her bio notes. She thinks nothing of it, but hello! Since when does Spinner care about BIOLOGY? Never, that’s when. He just wants Terri’s fine booty for his own. He asks if she’s going to the dance but she says her dad is making her stay home. She doesn’t even realize he’s basically asking her out. What a fool. Ashley helpfully points this out to Terri, much to Paige’s rage. She wants Spinner to herself! How could he like a chubbo like Terri when she’s all hot and ready for action? (BTW Paige and Terri have like, literally the same body type, and that body type is average teenage girl. Paige is conceited.)

Oh and in the middle of this important conversation about boys and subtext, fucking LIBERTY pops her head in, reminding Ashley to do the morning announcements! What a buzzkill. Is Liberty EVER fun?

Anyway, as all this is happening inside the school, something smoldering and sexy is happening OUTSIDE the school. A new boy has just arrived on the back of a motorcycle. He has smoky, soulful eyes, mussed up hair, and maybe an earring.

Two earrings!

This teenage heart-throb is Sean (Daniel Clark), and he has a spunky attitude, a chip on his shoulder, and the key to Emma’s heart. She makes puppy-dog eyes at him for three goddamned seasons.

While planning the dance, which is unfortunately named “Starlight Strabright”, Ashley finally gets Terri to admit that she thinks she’s fat and is totally insecure about it. Paige, always lurking like the troll that she is, overhears. The girls reassure Terri that she could be the next Britney Spears if she just lets them give her a makeover. This is obviously not going to end well, since we realize that Paige is going to ruin everything so that she can have Spinner to herself.

In class, it is clear that Emma loves the new kid, but it is also revealed that Toby loves Emma! The dance thing isn’t going to happen, so JT comes up with a great idea for how to spend the night– looking up porno sites. I’ve always thought it was weird that guys would look at porno together, or swap it or whatever. I mean it’s just an odd thing to do. Am I wrong? All my guy friends used to/still do this and it’s just bizarre to me. I like to keep my porn in the bedroom (and on this laptop), where it belongs.

At Terri’s, Paige eyes a bottle of sherry while the girls give Terri the WORST MAKEOVER OF ALL TIME. I mean how is this cute?

Wow, a dumpy black tank top and basically a curtain for a skirt. And (not pictured) grotesque clogs. You guys are my best friends.

Ashley has to run to the dance so Paige stays behind with Terri, raises her skirt a half an inch higher, tells her to make the first move, and then loads Terri up with sherry. This is going to be a night to remember!

JT and Toby wait until Toby’s parents are gone, hack into the parental block, and start having fun with porno like every 14 year old boy in the world does. Some choice examples of the websites they discover: “Foxy Ladies”, “Babes in Heat”, and my personal favorite, “the one with three x’s, Triplesexxx.com”. Too bad for them as they’re ogling fake ta-tas, Toby’s parents return and, having caught these young horny boys wondering if a certain woman with loose morals has real or fake boobs, make them watch all types of porno (even male on male, apparently) in order to prove a point about objectifying woman. Which makes no sense, if you’re watching two dudes go at it. But whatever.

At the dance, Terri is drunk as a skunk and Ashley is pissed. But luckily that sherry gave her the confidence to ask Spinner to dance! He doesn’t seem to care that she’s drunk, he just wants to slow dance with his girl crush. All is well until she trips on those ugly ass shoes and realizes she’s going to vom, fast. She runs off and ONCE AGAIN Paige swoops in like a vulture picking the flesh off a dying… I don’t know, deer or something.

Also at the dance we see Jimmy messing with Sean about something– but what? Sean attacks Jimmy, mentioning that he has to repeat the 7th grade and is UBER-embarrassed about it. Emma saves the day by asking Sean to dance. By the way, Emma is resplendent at this dance. She is like the goddess Athena in human form:

Such grace, like a wild antelope roaming through golden plains

How does this nightmare of a night end? The principal never finds out Terri is drunk, Emma has her crush solidified, and Ashley is told her dance can happen again next month (a bit of overkill IMHO but whatever). But the most soul crushing moment of the entire episode is the following school day, when Spinner hands Terri her notes back– and Paige informs everyone that he’ll be using HER notes from now on.

Ugh, what a bummer. Will Terri have her comeuppance? Stick around, and we’ll find out.

Letty: God, Paige is such a rowdy bitch. My husband calls her Troll Girl because he is cruel (but accurate). There is an episode of DJH that features a character getting drunk and going to a school dance. I will have to revisit it because I don’t remember the repercussions at all. Alls I know is, I didn’t need to get drunk to enjoy MY 8th grade socials. I was on a natural high from doing the Tootsie Roll.