Reports from Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars.

JERRY SPRINGER’S COMING TO TOWN

You heard it here first… The world’s most famous talk show is on the hunt for new guests. After running the popular series for more than a decade, producers are in danger of exhausting the cream of trailer park society in the US. They’ve been scouring other locations for a fresh pool of talent and, after seeing the bleeped-out swear word ratio of posters on BermudaSucks.com, are confident that Bermuda has a great contribution to make.

Sought after criteria include the ability to squeeze an average of at least three swear words per sentence, and being an English speaker is an advantage. For women, a voice like a foghorn would be beneficial, as would the ability to make your booty jiggle when attacking your ace boy’s new be-atch. Willingness to remove random pieces of clothing while proclaiming to the camera that you’re all that. For men, dubious facial hair and the ability to dodge two cat-fighting women who improbably find you attractive is essential, and a whining drawl would also be helpful.

Applicants must be willing to make complete fools of themselves on prime time TV for no remuneration other than a set of Jerry beads. Wardrobe is usually provided by participants, and for women should be no less than two sizes too small. For men, the option is one size too small or three sizes too large.

Jerry Springer typically has one guy and two women fighting over him. Even Jerry wouldn't stoop so low to put one ace boy and five ace girls on the same stage! He also won't address why all 17 kids look the same but have different mothers.

1) "You Are The Father"
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Book Recommendation

Robert A. Heinlein: Stranger in a Strange LandPlease, buy Heinlein's masterpiece - the brilliant and spectacular novel that grew from a cult favourite to a bestseller to a classic in a few short years. It is the story of Valentine Michael Smith, the man from Mars who taught humankind grokking and water-sharing. And love.