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Monday, 12 June 2017

Line in the Sand

We read the book The Nest by Cynthia D'Aprix for book club. In it, one character discovers his partner has gone behind his back and taken great risks financially, leaving them in ruin. In that moment, he decides he doesn't love this other character anymore. I really liked this moment described in the book - it was as if, suddenly in a single moment, he was looking objectively at the partner and their relationship. However, I didn't know if I believed it. I felt if you'd made rationalizations for bad behaviour throughout your relationship, I don't know if you'd stop doing it so suddenly. Or maybe it is the tipping point? I tend to think you'd draw a line in the sand, not to be treated this way again, so the ongoing dynamic would change but not fall out of love so immediately. You'd just make up yet another rationalization so as not to disturb the overall relationship. I do think a physical betrayal would be different, but a fiscal one or verbal one like the one in the book would be added to the pile and rationalized again.

I often justify the bad behaviour of people and give them the benefit of the doubt, as I'm sure they do of me. I'm very surprised people can unfriend people on Facebook over matters, or cut people out of their lives. Maybe this is a fault in me. I did only a year or so ago decide to shut people down if they insulted me. Those 'jokes' friends make, that used to annoy me but I laughed along with them anyway. Now I just say 'don't talk to me like that'. As simple as that. I have no idea why I didn't do it sooner. Probably because I was the chief culprit, mocking myself and my achievements for the entertainment of others. I was well into my forties before I decided I needed to stand up for myself because no one else would. (Thanks Kanye!).

There is a quote I wanted to end with that was along the lines of 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me' but about allowing someone to treat you badly. I can't find it and can't remember where I read it (yes, all my books are dog eared with quotes and ideas for blog posts). So I will leave you with this quote by Stephen Covey which I liked: "I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow".

For the record, I didn't like The Nest, but it's not really my sort of book, but the rest of bookclub did (so take that recommendation as you wish) however I did really like this one paragraph in chapter 37 when this moment occurred, and I've been thinking about it since (so for me, that was worth it). What prompts someone who's been treated badly for years to leave? Can it happen in a single moment? (Most people I know are still forced into it). Or do you wake up one day and decide you will no longer put up with it?

17 comments:

"I teach people how to treat me by what I will allow". That quote is pure gold. I think in so many situations in life, there is always a straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak, and if someone has been treated badly for years, I reckon that straw could be either a single moment thing or a decision that enough is enough or maybe even a bit of both!

I don't think a single moment often defines the future of a relationship, unless it's something truly heinous like discovering your partner is a murderer or child abuser. Even then, there would be a lot of grief in that decision because it's so sudden. In your book, I wonder if it wasn't a culmination of things. I think that's usually how it is. Little things add up. And good on you for standing up for yourself, we should all do the same. It was a few years ago that I started up friending people on Facebook and in real life when I realised I wasn't obligated to be friends with unpleasant jerks.

It is something bad but not really worse than anything his partner has done before. It just perplexed me, but the description was really interesting, like he was suddenly seeing his partner for the first time for what he was.

I have long live by the quote of teaching people how to treat me. Many friends have fallen by the wayside due to this. I've faced too much in my life to allow others to treat me poorly. I'm not sure how you could stop caring for a person in a single moment, but rather something that built up over time? Thought provoking.

I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back, but I just didn't see this as worse than the other behaviour, so I just thought in reality he'd still make up another excuse...but yes, I've been thinking about it, trying to stretch out the reality of it, and I do like books when they make me do that. Anything that can't be digested immediately.

That quote is really good and so applicable to us all. As for leaving from a relationship where the treatment has been terrible... sometimes I think it could be a few things like built up confidence or a straw that breaks and suddenly that person is no longer happy to stay in their current circumstances. They may still care for that person, but they won't put up with their treatment and whether it's a rash decision, decide enough is enough.

Yes, I think it would have to be the tipping point. You can only put up with so much and then there's the final thing that tips you over. I know people who cut or wipe people from their lives and for little things too. Things aren't that black and white for me, but there are people in my life who I wish would treat me a little better. Maybe I need to take a leaf out of your book. #teamIBOT

There does come a point when enough is enough. One thing (after a string of things) can lead someone to walk away. I've written that quote down, I am always forgetting quotes like this and it is one worth having handy x

I think if you've been going through something for a while, there could well be one moment that would just send you over the edge. The straw that broke the camels back for example and you could perhaps suddenly just decide you've had enough. #KCACOLS