An uncommonly clever, insightful, and funny voice of reason* in all this multiple sclerosis silliness

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Perils of Furniture Surfing

If you’ve ever had walking issues due to multiple
sclerosis, you are bound to have experience in the sport of surfing,
specifically furniture/wall/appliance surfing. One engages in said sport by
eschewing practical walking aids—a cane, a walker, forearm crutches, etc.—in favor
ricocheting off of solid objects in one’s home.

Here’s how it works. Say you decide you want another
beer … yet you find yourself sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while cursing
your wonky legs. “I hate you, wonky legs,” you mutter (with or without expletives).
Then for reasons unknown, you opt to step over your cane—conveniently resting
aside the couch—to channel legendary surfer Kelly Slater. Off to the kitchen
you go! Couch armrest to end table to wingback chair to family room wall to
fireplace mantle to dining room wall to dining room chair to dining room table
to kitchen wall to pantry doorknob to countertop to sink (nice hand holds!) back
to countertop, and then finally to refrigerator handles. Cowabunga! You just
rode that barrel and exited the green room unscathed! Now simply open the fridge,
get your beer, and resurf your steps, which is cake since there is now a fresh smear
of Cheeto orange all over your house.

But, as veterans know, shooting the tube can be
gnarly if surfing is not done smartly and safely. To avoid being a Barney, aka
a lame surfer, you have to keep your eyes peeled for potential perils, like men
in gray suits—in other words: sharks. House sharks are things you should not
grab for support. Floor lamps. Recliners that rock. Christmas trees. Lightweight
tri-fold Shoji screen room dividers made primarily of paper. The horns of poorly
mounted faux animal heads. Yes, the list of “sharks” is practically endless.

Alas I discovered after a recent mishap, there also
are degrees of Barneyism, from mildly dorky to full-on moron. For example,
after you cook a slab of bacon and move the hot pan off the even hotter stove,
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES then use the convenient cast iron grate of said hot
stove for support. This dawned on me as rather obvious while I was running my left
hand under cold water for 15 minutes as Laura fetched my cane while trying not
to injure her neck due to repeatedly shaking her head in exasperation.

Yes, even though I typically avoid furniture surfing
(and even warn against it due to potential mishaps), I went full Barney. No, I’m
not proud of singeing my palm or freaking out my wife. But it could have been
worse. I could have pulled a Barney while hanging eleven (uh, Google at your
own risk). The lesson here: wade carefully into such waters and always use your
walking aids. Or just blindly ignore my advice. Surf’s up!

Glad to hear folks are laughing at my expense. Really! Maybe I should give SNL a shot. They are underrepresented in the disabled category. I mean, they finally added a black woman. Why not Gimpy Dave???

LOL @ my odd sock. I have a research lab and I can move a certain short distance without my forearm crutches but it is SOOO much harder. So I start out with my crutches, end up carrying something and leaving one or both crutches behind somewhere. Much to my embarrassment, a colleague or two have even brought them from the women's room, just a short distance from my lab :) I guess the upside to progressive MS, as the forearm crutches become more necessary, I leave them in the ladies room less and less LOL.

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About the Blog

This is the official blog of ActiveMSers, which is designed to help, motivate, and inspire those with multiple sclerosis to stay as active as possible—physically, intellectually, and socially—regardless of physical limitations. It is written by founder Dave Bexfield and was started in 2006. Topics include: getting diagnosed, dealing with symptoms, staying active, and hope. Laughter is always encouraged.

About Me

For better or worse, I’ve learned a lot about handling this disease (um, more than many) since I was diagnosed in ’06. And I’ve written about that experience here, where I take a personal look at MS … with a tilted head, raised eyebrow, and a cracked smile. It may be just what the doc ordered when you want an escape from the oh-so-serious world that is multiple sclerosis. (To read more about me, click the About Dave on the left of my blog home page.)