Thursday, November 10, 2016

Cheetos to Sponsor Trump TV Station CRUD

By Bill
Britton

Special to
TPN – Cheetos’ parent company, Frito-Lay, announced that it will be a primary
sponsor of President-elect Trump’s TV station, CRUD (Conservative Republicans
Under Donald). “It’s a natural fit,” said Vivek Sankaran, COO of
Frito-Lay North America. “Trump has been a life-long consumer of Cheetos, as
evidenced by his complexion. We believe that tanning creams could become
obsolete now that the ‘Cheetos-effect’ on skin tone was determined by
researchers at the FDA and verified by the President-elect. Who needs tanning
creams or the sun’s rays when you can toss a bag of Cheetos down your gullet
every day?”

Shortly
after Sankaran’s announcement, Frito-Lay stock rose 16 percent in overnight
trading. Wall Street feels that a significant share of the 59 million Trump
voters will sign onto the Cheetos bag-a-day habit, even those on
salt-restricted diets. Warren Teddumb, a Frito-Lay delivery man from Grand
Rapids, Michigan, told our reporter that his truck was broken into and all the
Cheetos taken: “Now that the Trump rallies are over, millions of people have
nothing to do, and they’re broke after giving all their money to the Trump
campaign. I guess they’re just desperate to get the Trump facial look.”

Trump
spokesman and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “This is only the
beginning. We are in negotiations with the Orange GLO furniture polish people
and the Florida Citrus Council. Orange is the new black! To show our commitment
to these sponsors, all Trump signage and logos will be changed from gold to
orange.”

In other
news, another 43,000 Hillary Clinton emails have been released by WikiLeaks. This
brings the 8-year daily rolling average of emails sent by her to 648 per day, a
new Guinness record.