Wednesday, September 27, 2006

In light of TO's recent suicide attempt (which I think probably isn't a first for him, just like I think Paris Hilton is on her 345th abortion), I had a chance to sit down EXCLUSIVELY and "chat" with Drew Rosenhaus, TO's agent and minion of both Satan and Elton John.

Big Daddy Drew: So, he's gay, right? You don't just swallow 40 of anything without a little practice.Drew Rosenhaus: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: One pill makes you larger. And one pill makes you small. Why didn't 40 pills make TO dead?Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: I haven't been this disappointed at a failed suicide since Natalie Portman cut her wrists in Heat. Why does TO insist on aggravating the general public like this?Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you find it shady that white pills were used to potentially kill a black man? Scoop Jackson does.Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Your book is called A Shark Never Sleeps. Were you sleeping during the suicide attempt? I bet you were.Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: More gratifying potential suicide: TO or the U. of Miami football program?Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think this will inspire copycat suicides by other selfish assholes? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Has Gary Smith been contacted to write the follow up article on this yet? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: How often do you expect the word "demons" to be used by Mike Greenberg this month? 70,000? A million? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: The ghost of Marshall Applewhite says TO isn't a team player. Agree or disagree? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Okay, so TO isn't dead. But what if we were to bag and kill Mike Lupica to make up for it? Wouldn't that be a good idea? I fucking hate Mike Lupica.Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Do you think TO did it because his Dad told him he was going to Harvard and becoming a doctor? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Or because Stanley Kowalski raped him? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Michael Irvin say heesa like da TO so whyy people be makin funny bout it? Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.

Evil Drew #1: Drew, thanks for taking time out to not talk to us. Evil Drew #2: I am not at liberty to discuss that at this time.