Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Count on Me

Last night, i got in from work at about 1.30am. When I got in the sterility of my hotel room assailed me and I began to feel pangs of loneliness. I went into the bathroom, turned to shower on and waited the prerequisite 15 seconds for the hot water to come through. Last night though, while I was waiting I decided to turn the TV on. Normally, i'd turn on some music and go into the shower but I'm glad I didn't. As I settled on my bed, I saw Whitney Houston's face come up on the television. Turns out that I had caught the last 15 or so minutes of Waiting To Exhale. I don't remember another movie that I have loved more. I couldn't help but grin to myself as I ran to the bathroom to turn the tap off so that once again I could experience the reason why I love the movie so much....the joy in true friendship.

I'd be the first to tell you that human by nature are fickle and selfish beings. Me, Me, Me FIRST!!! Me, Me, Me always right. But have you ever looked at someone and in that instant be struck with the realization that you could trust that person till kingdom come? And have you also realised that you could not trust another person with anything? Sad right?

As the movie reached its end, you see the four friends in the Mercedes that one of them won in her divorce, on their way to light that bonfire to usher in the new year. And my heart began to beat faster, tears rushed to my eyes as I remembered an 8 year old me, watching this movie for the first time, from behind the 3-seater because my mum had sent me to bed as it was past my bedtime and the movie wasn't for kids (sex scenes). I remembered the feeling from that first time, i experienced the joy and friendship at the end, as they counted down to Happy New Year, celebrating tears shed, men lost, battles won and love found. And I remembered an 8 year old me vowing that I'd always have that. Friends with whom I could laugh and cry with. Friends to tell my secrets and my plans.

As the credits rolled, and I snapped out of my reverie I realized that I had tears in my eyes. Not just because the movie always moves me, but because the 24 yr old me realized that the world isn't what it was in 1995 and that I wasn't 8 years old anymore. And frankly it hurt. No, its not that I do not have friends...lol...its just something else. Something that I cannot explain, something that I am a part of. I guess you get as good as you give, or maybe not anymore, or maybe not ever. But I realize how aloof, distant and secretive I have become. I also realize how much I portray myself as uncaring and unfeeling. I also realise that it is no longer a conscious action. It has become a way of life. Someone said to me the other day that "you seem like the sort that never forgives" and I shrugged and said "whatever". Looking back now, i realize that the old me would have been quick to debunk that statement. But this me was ok with it. And I remember a mantra that I often recited to myself at some point. "Never forget, never forgive". Has that become true for me? I'd like to say that I think not.

So have I changed? Or has the world changed? It seems like we're all too busy satisfying ourselves, our needs, fronting for each other and not seeing each other at all. And even while I am berating humanity for this, I realize that too quickly are friendships formed these days. We're all too eager to find something in common with the next person and its either that or nothing. Long forgotten are the early stages of friendships, the building of solid foundations. The truth is that friendships take time and effort. And it requires more than conversations about the new Gucci handbag or your last holiday, or my favourite new conversation starter. "Yo! Weekend plans"?

I don't know, maybe I am being too hard on myself. Or maybe, just maybe the world has always been like this. And such friendships exist, but only in my all time favourite movies, in their soundtracks and in my 8 yr old mind.

And maybe, just maybe, you and I can take a chance, and say to each other...."You can count on me".

I think is both. the world is changing and we are changing as well. I am total the opposite. Am the one who is open minded and embrace everyone with open arms, but this time i trying to take care of me first.