Monday, July 21, 2008

In case you are new here, I'm quite the pessimist. "I hate more than I love" for you idiots out there that don't understand big words. Anyway, we're going to be doing a sporadic mini-series here where I list the people that I hate. Novel idea, huh? Well, fuck you, start your own blog that rules.

This is going to be an awful lot like Schindler's List except that it won't be nearly as funny and have much more gratuitous dick shots. We already went through my list of dispiccable baseball and basketball players. Today, I run off my list of announcers that I loathe (Disclaimer, my prejudice against people that flat out suck at their job is going to really shine here.). It's a pretty extensive list even after I trimmed away the guys that I just only dislike. Yes, I hate this many (40, just like the number of nails that I always wanted to pound into Billy Packer's eyes!) announcers. I'm reserving myself to only one/two sentences per cock weasel to describe why I hate them. Because honestly, I could write a book on why I despise these guys. One standard that I set is that all of these people had to have at least been on set/sideline reporters during some sporting event. Let's get this started (in no particular order)...

Mike Patrick - Maybe he should stop worrying about Britney Spears and focus more on not being terrible in the booth.

Joe Buck - The most pompus ass in the business, acts like he's the smartest man on the planet.

Stuart Scott - Boo-Yah! Ol' One Eye can suck the saltiest part of my balls.

Stephen A. Smith - I've never heard anyone say that they could even stand this guy; Quite Frankly was quite frankly the worst show ever.

Phil Simms - How this guy is on the CBS A-team is something I will never understand, it's called "not being a hillbilly", look into it. Also, they are the Bengals, not the Bingles.

Paul Maguire - Possibly the worst human being to ever speak into a microphone. I remember a Sunday night game on ESPN between the Dolphins and the Skins and this happened (which I consider the benchmark for how stupid this guy is):Ricky Williams just breaks off a long TD run...Mike Patrick: How does a man that big run that fast?Maguire: Speed.Ten seconds of dead silence while the rest of the booth marvels at his stupidity.

Pat Haden - Tom Hammond is solid on ND football games but Haden always comes off as a weenie.

Ron Jaworski - No one cares how the safety reacts in a cover 2 defense when the offense runs play action.

Joe Theismann - If you want to hear someone contradict himself 8 times in one game, Joe is your man. He flip flops more than John Kerry.

Michael Kay - You better thank the lord tonight that you don't get YES! on your cable package, Kay could make the most ardent fan hate the sport.

Ric Bucher - He thinks that he knows everything and that he's best friends with Kobe...nice fucking soulpatch.

Ron Santo - The biggest homer in the world. I get it, the Cubs are good this year, but you know what else is good, Ron...having legs. Ouch.

Suzyn Waldman - OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, ROGER CLEMENS JUST SAID THAT HE WANTED TO COMPARE MY RACK WITH HIS WIFE'S!

Tom Hamilton - The worst radio play-by-play guy in MLB history. The #1 cause of automobile accidents is this guy's shrill and warbled voice. He sounds like he gargles balls in between pitches.

But I can't believe Johnny Miller isn't on the list. All he ever talks about is himself and how it was when he played and what he would have done. During the US Open, with Tiger hurting, he compared it to when his wrist was sore. Good comparison, asshole.

I am not sure if Rod Allen is on the radio crew or not. But, if he is not then the guys in their radio booth are terrible.

Also, Dave Lapam (spelling ?) Bengals radio guy is horrible 100% of the time. If you have never heard him, first of all be thankful, second of all he gives a statistic and percentage for every play. For example, Chris Henry was committing a felony 45% of the time that Odel Thurman was shooting up heroin.

My friend and I were recently discussing about technology, and how integrated it has become to our daily lives. Reading this post makes me think back to that discussion we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.

I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Societal concerns aside... I just hope that as the price of memory falls, the possibility of downloading our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could experience in my lifetime.