How To Survive The War On Christmas

I know what you're thinking: 'Who's this weird old guy with a beard and a pot belly, and what does he want with me?' Sure, sure. Good questions. You've kept your wits about you. That's why it's so important that you listen to what I have to tell you.

It's no secret that this year has been rough. Plenty of my friends have met their maker, and I hit the bottle pretty hard, if I'm honest. But I rebounded. You've got to. You can't let this world keep you down. You can't let society keep you down. And now we've reached the toughest part of the calendar - December. Yeah, December. Don't look at me like that, kid, I know what I'm talking about.

And if you'll keep quiet for just a second, just one goddamn second, maybe you'll learn something. Because I can see something in you. Something not everybody's got. And I think you've got what it takes. I'm going to teach you how to survive the War on Christmas.

Yeah, you might have heard of it. The War on Christmas, the most brutal battle of the year. I've weathered it for decades, and I'm not gonna lie, it's made me the son-of-a-bitch I am today. Sure, it comes but once a year, but holy shit, kid. Holy shit. I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

It's a creeping war, this. You've got to stay vigilant, kid. Fucking vigilant. These people are relentless. If you let them say Happy Christmas instead of Merry Christmas one year, the next they'll say Happy Holidays. But then they'll sometimes still say Merry Christmas. That's right, they'll use terms interchangeably, all kinds of sick, twisted shit.

And it's up to people like us to fight. People just like you and me. Because this war isn't going to fight itself. We've got to rally the troops, keep those anti-Christmas bastards at bay, even for just one more year. One more year and it'll all be worth it. I tell you, kid, the sacrifices I've made would make others weep. See, you may not realise, kid, but I used to be famous. Yeah, real famous.

Huh, you recognise me? Interesting. Not many people do anymore, not many people do. Because I'm a figurehead in this war, I'm a symbol. And our enemies have spent years trying to tear me down. The shit they've done to me...

Sorry, kid, no one needs to hear that. The fuzzy memories of an old man. What's it to you if a school cancelled a visit one year because of a 'viral outbreak'? Anyway, look, the point is this: you're either with us, or you're against us. You've got to make your choice now.

Sure, we've got some propaganda channels on our side, some religious sects, too. But we've got some big problems. There are chocolate trees out there barely in the shape of trees at all. Colours other than red and green are still in store windows. Some sick fucks are handing out cards with words like 'Festivus' on them. Festivus? What is that shit? That is some made up bullshit, kid, and we can't let them get away with it. Christmas is for real. And it's too important.

So take it from me: you've got to fight for every inch. Get your Christmas bunker ready, stock some ammo, and bide your time. There's a storm coming, and this storm is secular.

Because if just one more kid this year orders a drone from Amazon and attaches a Season's Greetings label instead of a Merry Christmas one, I will consider that a complete and utter failure. That kid has got to know why his dad needs that drone - for Jesus, or the holy ghost, or something. Look, I don't have all the details with me right now. But rest assured, we can make a difference.

RELATED: The Definitive Ranking Of Christmas Movies

The Definitive Ranking Of Christmas Movies

32. Fred Claus: It’s one thing having an overachieving sibling, but it’s another thing entirely when that sibling is Santa, and you’re a mean ol’ repossession agent. Poor Vince Vaughn.

Warner Bros.

1 of 32

31. Christmas With The Kranks: Spoiler alert: Christmas With The Kranks is nothing like Christmas with the Kardashians. Krank by name, krank-y by nature.

Revolution Studios

2 of 32

30. Four Christmases: Children of divorce everywhere (who have still gone on to marry themselves) will sympathise with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn’s plight. Everyone else will wonder why they’re complaining about quadruple Christmas dinners.

New Line Cinema

3 of 32

29. Jingle All The Way: It’s no Kindergarten Cop, but if you’ve ever queued up for a Harry Potter book/the new GTA/an H&M designer collaboration at midnight, then you’ll have some lols at Arnie trying to score a Turbo-Man on Christmas Eve.

20th Century Fox

4 of 32

28. I’ll Be Home For Christmas: Any film starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas is OK by us. Eighteen years after Home Improvement ended and this movie was made, we’re still harbouring that childhood crush.

Walt Disney Pictures

5 of 32

27. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: If you’ve ever tried and failed to have a “good old-fashioned family Christmas”, this one’s for you.

Warner Bros.

6 of 32

26. Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds in a fat suit. Nuff said.

Inferno Distribution

7 of 32

25. Jack Frost: If only lost loved ones really could come back as snowmen, like Michael Keaton in Jack Frost, Christmas would be even more magical. Sigh.

Warner Bros.

8 of 32

24: White Christmas: Altogether now, “I’m, dreaming of a whiiiiiite Christmas.” Once we’ve travelled to where we need to be for the holidays, obvs.

Paramount

9 of 32

23: The Santa Claus 2: Imagine having to get married to save Christmas? That’s more pressure than your mum will ever manage to put on you at the dinner table. Maybe don’t watch this one with her; she’ll get ideas.