How to be a SAHM?

I recently left my job to be a SAHM. DH promised to support me but I feel like he's having a hard time with it. He is constantly saying I don't clean enough, or that my attempts weren't good enough. When I had dinner ready for him he doesn't give any compliments, no thanks or anything. So I have half given up. He has told me I'm lazy for not working. I don't know what his problem is, I like to think it's not jealousy. I've had some talks with him and he gets very defensive when I point out his weaknesses, like napping all day on his day off (um, I'd like a day off too.) Or the fact that it shouldn't be up to me to do 100 percent of the house work. Does anyone have suggestions on how I get him to back off and lighten up, without offending him or having him get defensive? Any words of empowerment (is that a word?) because as far as I'm concerned, as long as DD is bathed, fed, clothed, and happy then I'm doing my job. Before I left work DH and I had the same days off (Tue and Wed) and would spend one day cleaning together. Why shouldn't it be the same? Am I out of line?

I recently left my job to be a SAHM. DH promised to support me but I feel like he's having a hard time with it. He is constantly saying I don't clean enough, or that my attempts weren't good enough. When I had dinner ready for him he doesn't give any compliments, no thanks or anything. So I have half given up. He has told me I'm lazy for not working. I don't know what his problem is, I like to think it's not jealousy. I've had some talks with him and he gets very defensive when I point out his weaknesses, like napping all day on his day off (um, I'd like a day off too.) Or the fact that it shouldn't be up to me to do 100 percent of the house work. Does anyone have suggestions on how I get him to back off and lighten up, without offending him or having him get defensive? Any words of empowerment (is that a word?) because as far as I'm concerned, as long as DD is bathed, fed, clothed, and happy then I'm doing my job. Before I left work DH and I had the same days off (Tue and Wed) and would spend one day cleaning together. Why shouldn't it be the same? Am I out of line?

I don't think you are out of line. And if you just very recently became a SAHM it takes some time to get your new normal routine going. Every couple has to divvy up chores and responsibilities out to what works for them in their situation. Me personally, since I stay home, I pretty much do all the cleaning except taking out the garbage. I have more or less a schedule now that lo is older, I do laundry Saturdays and Wednesdays. I clean all 3 bathrooms on Mondays. Dishes get cleaned after each meal (in the evenings he will help clean up dinner). I dust on Tuesdays. I vacuum every few days. Even if you just come up with a goal each day: today I will work on doing the laundry, is helpful. And also since pretty much everything gets done once a week it doesn't take as long to do stuff. For example there isn't a 5 inch layer of dust, or a ton of bathroom grime to scrape off. DH takes out garbage and does the bills. I try to get most of the house cleaning (that isn't just every day cleaning) done during the week so we can spend time together on the evenings and weekends. Trust me it can be hard to accomplish some days. But DD is good with her schedule so I clean during naps and she is even of the age now where she wants to "help." So I will give her her own swiffer and we both dust! As for talking with your DH, I would just try to keep your tone calm. Try not to come back with his weaknesses as it's not really a good form of communication. It's rude for him to call you lazy though and explain you are trying your best and it will take a little time. Also explaining a little show of encouragement and appreciation goes a long way if you are feeling unsure in your new position. If he by chance is jealous just staying calm and talking about his feelings might help. But I do feel that being a sah parent does mean that parent will take over the bulk of the cleaning. DH also knows by now if I couldn't get anything done that day or just needed a "me" day he understands. I think after time goes by you will both settle into the new groove....I hope this helps...

I don't think you are out of line. And if you just very recently became a SAHM it takes some time to get your new normal routine going. Every couple has to divvy up chores and responsibilities out to what works for them in their situation. Me personally, since I stay home, I pretty much do all the cleaning except taking out the garbage. I have more or less a schedule now that lo is older, I do laundry Saturdays and Wednesdays. I clean all 3 bathrooms on Mondays. Dishes get cleaned after each meal (in the evenings he will help clean up dinner). I dust on Tuesdays. I vacuum every few days. Even if you just come up with a goal each day: today I will work on doing the laundry, is helpful. And also since pretty much everything gets done once a week it doesn't take as long to do stuff. For example there isn't a 5 inch layer of dust, or a ton of bathroom grime to scrape off. DH takes out garbage and does the bills. I try to get most of the house cleaning (that isn't just every day cleaning) done during the week so we can spend time together on the evenings and weekends. Trust me it can be hard to accomplish some days. But DD is good with her schedule so I clean during naps and she is even of the age now where she wants to "help." So I will give her her own swiffer and we both dust! As for talking with your DH, I would just try to keep your tone calm. Try not to come back with his weaknesses as it's not really a good form of communication. It's rude for him to call you lazy though and explain you are trying your best and it will take a little time. Also explaining a little show of encouragement and appreciation goes a long way if you are feeling unsure in your new position. If he by chance is jealous just staying calm and talking about his feelings might help. But I do feel that being a sah parent does mean that parent will take over the bulk of the cleaning. DH also knows by now if I couldn't get anything done that day or just needed a "me" day he understands. I think after time goes by you will both settle into the new groove....I hope this helps...

Oh I also forgot to mention DH does bathtime so he can spend some quality time with lo in the evenings. Maybe if you both set up a clear break down of chores that might help? Or...he could spend a day alone with lo and experience for himself how hard it can be :) Good luck!

Oh I also forgot to mention DH does bathtime so he can spend some quality time with lo in the evenings. Maybe if you both set up a clear break down of chores that might help? Or...he could spend a day alone with lo and experience for himself how hard it can be :) Good luck!

As a sahm since ds was born, I can say I do just about everything. Sure dh changed ds, plays with him, puts him down for naps and let's me sleep in once a week, he does the whole father thing very well. But I make him lunch in the morning as well as breakfast for the baby and I, then dh is off to work and I clean the kitchen, bathrooms, living room, vacuum mop, track down the laundry, sort it, wash and dry, then fold and put it away, make the menu and grocery list, go shopping, take care of ds during the day, make dinner, clean up dinner, put ds to bed, then 2 hours of relaxing. Of course not all in one day (I wish). I would say telling you your not doing a good job is kinda mean, but I ask dh if my cleaning is up to his standards all the time, I don't want him thinking 'what the heck does she do all day?' idk I'm kinda old fashioned I guess

As a sahm since ds was born, I can say I do just about everything. Sure dh changed ds, plays with him, puts him down for naps and let's me sleep in once a week, he does the whole father thing very well. But I make him lunch in the morning as well as breakfast for the baby and I, then dh is off to work and I clean the kitchen, bathrooms, living room, vacuum mop, track down the laundry, sort it, wash and dry, then fold and put it away, make the menu and grocery list, go shopping, take care of ds during the day, make dinner, clean up dinner, put ds to bed, then 2 hours of relaxing. Of course not all in one day (I wish). I would say telling you your not doing a good job is kinda mean, but I ask dh if my cleaning is up to his standards all the time, I don't want him thinking 'what the heck does she do all day?' idk I'm kinda old fashioned I guess

Assuming 8 hours for sleep, maybebabyme is working 14 hour days. I doubt most of our DHs do ghat. If you're happy with it, it's not my place to say anything, but I know I wouldn't be ok with an unequal division of labor.

Assuming 8 hours for sleep, maybebabyme is working 14 hour days. I doubt most of our DHs do ghat. If you're happy with it, it's not my place to say anything, but I know I wouldn't be ok with an unequal division of labor.

I worked full time when I had my first lo, and now am able to be a sahm since we had our second lo. For about 9 months after I went back to work after having our first lo, my husband was a sahd while I worked full time. So I have seen both sides of the spectrum from both parents. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the parent that stays at home to also cook and clean. My son is 2 yrs and my daughter is 16 months. DS stopped napping when DD was born. They are both busy. I still manage to clean and get dinner on the table most nights (nothing fancy during the week, and a couple nights we will order out).

My hubby did the same when he stayed home and I worked, although he's not great at cooking. It's not like you're working 14 hours straight. Things like play dates and going to the park aren't really the same as working a demanding job - I used to work as an accountant. I'm not down playing the hard work all parents do for their children, but it's called time management. I know when I worked full time, it was so nice to not have to worry about cleaning and laundry and whipping up dinner as soon I got home from work.

To the OP, it sounds like your hubby is a little out of line in the way he is putting you down and not giving you any appreciation. My hubby and I respect that there will be days when the crap hits the fan, and even if my meal sucks, he will thank me for cooking. So to me, that is the part that seems unbalanced.

I worked full time when I had my first lo, and now am able to be a sahm since we had our second lo. For about 9 months after I went back to work after having our first lo, my husband was a sahd while I worked full time. So I have seen both sides of the spectrum from both parents. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the parent that stays at home to also cook and clean. My son is 2 yrs and my daughter is 16 months. DS stopped napping when DD was born. They are both busy. I still manage to clean and get dinner on the table most nights (nothing fancy during the week, and a couple nights we will order out).

My hubby did the same when he stayed home and I worked, although he's not great at cooking. It's not like you're working 14 hours straight. Things like play dates and going to the park aren't really the same as working a demanding job - I used to work as an accountant. I'm not down playing the hard work all parents do for their children, but it's called time management. I know when I worked full time, it was so nice to not have to worry about cleaning and laundry and whipping up dinner as soon I got home from work.

To the OP, it sounds like your hubby is a little out of line in the way he is putting you down and not giving you any appreciation. My hubby and I respect that there will be days when the crap hits the fan, and even if my meal sucks, he will thank me for cooking. So to me, that is the part that seems unbalanced.

I agree with Bearbot. I was a stay at home mom for a year. Now my husband and I both understand that the one who stays with our son all day has the "more difficult" day. We both have demanding jobs, but our son is a (lovable) handful! I would be floored if I came home to a clean house and dinner on the table, because it is nearly impossible!

I agree with Bearbot. I was a stay at home mom for a year. Now my husband and I both understand that the one who stays with our son all day has the "more difficult" day. We both have demanding jobs, but our son is a (lovable) handful! I would be floored if I came home to a clean house and dinner on the table, because it is nearly impossible!

I've been a SAHM of 3 for eight years now. It was hard adjusting to the new routine at the beginning but my husband never ever expected me to cook and clean all day, everyday.I even have a cleaning lady twice a week and she helps out with laundry and groceries too. And DH takes care of bedtime every night.So you're not out of line, he is. And I firmly believe staying homeWith the kids is the hardest job

I've been a SAHM of 3 for eight years now. It was hard adjusting to the new routine at the beginning but my husband never ever expected me to cook and clean all day, everyday.I even have a cleaning lady twice a week and she helps out with laundry and groceries too. And DH takes care of bedtime every night.So you're not out of line, he is. And I firmly believe staying homeWith the kids is the hardest job

No doubt being a sahm is hard! It isn't always a walk in the park and that wasn't my intention. I will soon experience what it's like with 3 in a few months. But it's a different hard at least compared to my old career. And if there is a newborn involved, all bets are out the door. But like any job, it just takes time and practice to get it under your belt. I get way more done around the house just because I AM home. I don't have outside help, and I agree you shouldn't be belittled by your husband if you can't get everything done every day. We aren't slaves.

No doubt being a sahm is hard! It isn't always a walk in the park and that wasn't my intention. I will soon experience what it's like with 3 in a few months. But it's a different hard at least compared to my old career. And if there is a newborn involved, all bets are out the door. But like any job, it just takes time and practice to get it under your belt. I get way more done around the house just because I AM home. I don't have outside help, and I agree you shouldn't be belittled by your husband if you can't get everything done every day. We aren't slaves.

I have to agree with Abbiemama. Taking care of a child and entertaining them is hard work, but it is not the same as going to work all day. Especially with only one child in the household, the stay at home parent will usually get breaks with naps, the child playing by him/herself, and taking the child on fun outings. I think it would be unfair to have the chores be 50/50 because the stay at home parents usually have at least a little time that isn't being used for childcare and they can take the child on errands.

I do think husbands should still pitch in around the home. It would be unfair for him to put up his feet at 5 while his wife did all the evening cooking, cleaning, and child watching. I do think your husband is wrong by not expressing appreciation for the chores you do like cleaning or making dinner. Since you are not working and it seems your husband isn't 100% on board, maybe your husband feels resentful that he is the sole provider or that you aren't as well off financially as you were before. Maybe he expected the house to look like Martha Steward lives there and have a fancy home cooked meal every night which may why he is not being supportive. Expressing appreciation for each other is important. Let him know how much you appreciate his hard work and that you can be a SAHM. Ask him what is the most important thing to him (dinner on the table, clutter out of the living room) and try to do that if you don't get to anything else. Let him know that he needs to express appreciation to you for your hard work around the house. I can see why it is easy to criticize somebody when they do the same thing to you. Hopefully it will work the other way and you can start expressing thanks and appreciation for all the other person does.

I have to agree with Abbiemama. Taking care of a child and entertaining them is hard work, but it is not the same as going to work all day. Especially with only one child in the household, the stay at home parent will usually get breaks with naps, the child playing by him/herself, and taking the child on fun outings. I think it would be unfair to have the chores be 50/50 because the stay at home parents usually have at least a little time that isn't being used for childcare and they can take the child on errands.

I do think husbands should still pitch in around the home. It would be unfair for him to put up his feet at 5 while his wife did all the evening cooking, cleaning, and child watching. I do think your husband is wrong by not expressing appreciation for the chores you do like cleaning or making dinner. Since you are not working and it seems your husband isn't 100% on board, maybe your husband feels resentful that he is the sole provider or that you aren't as well off financially as you were before. Maybe he expected the house to look like Martha Steward lives there and have a fancy home cooked meal every night which may why he is not being supportive. Expressing appreciation for each other is important. Let him know how much you appreciate his hard work and that you can be a SAHM. Ask him what is the most important thing to him (dinner on the table, clutter out of the living room) and try to do that if you don't get to anything else. Let him know that he needs to express appreciation to you for your hard work around the house. I can see why it is easy to criticize somebody when they do the same thing to you. Hopefully it will work the other way and you can start expressing thanks and appreciation for all the other person does.

You asked for honest opinions, so please don't blast me. That said, it has always been my opinion that if a woman (or man) chooses to be a stay at home parent, then that is, for all intents and purposes, their JOB. Yes, the house should be tidy when the spouse comes home from work (and should be SPOTLESS if the kids are school aged), and dinner should be made. Laundry should be done, folded and put away. All of the essential household duties should be tended to by the parent who chooses to stay at home. That said, I do not think it is unfair to ask for the working parent to chip in after "business hours". Meaning, a working parent shouldn't just be done when the work day is over, leaving all 24-7 household / kid responsibilities to the stay at home parent. I do think, however, that there shouldn't be much left to do once the working parent gets home. Just my two cents.

You asked for honest opinions, so please don't blast me. That said, it has always been my opinion that if a woman (or man) chooses to be a stay at home parent, then that is, for all intents and purposes, their JOB. Yes, the house should be tidy when the spouse comes home from work (and should be SPOTLESS if the kids are school aged), and dinner should be made. Laundry should be done, folded and put away. All of the essential household duties should be tended to by the parent who chooses to stay at home. That said, I do not think it is unfair to ask for the working parent to chip in after "business hours". Meaning, a working parent shouldn't just be done when the work day is over, leaving all 24-7 household / kid responsibilities to the stay at home parent. I do think, however, that there shouldn't be much left to do once the working parent gets home. Just my two cents.

Something I like to do that reminds my DH how hard my mommy job is to go out on a Saturday. Run errands , get oil change, grocery, etc. he's very happy to see me return and doesn't have dinner ready! Once we got that under control I was finally able to meet friends out for 31 party, my bday, etc. he had to do dinner and bath/ bedtime. He hasn't gone for many beers after work since he had to do that by himself! (We have twins.)

Something I like to do that reminds my DH how hard my mommy job is to go out on a Saturday. Run errands , get oil change, grocery, etc. he's very happy to see me return and doesn't have dinner ready! Once we got that under control I was finally able to meet friends out for 31 party, my bday, etc. he had to do dinner and bath/ bedtime. He hasn't gone for many beers after work since he had to do that by himself! (We have twins.)

I agree with abbiemama. If you stay home you should keep up the house and cook as best as you can. That being said I'm not sleeping at night due to LO waking. I am a walking zombie. I get done as much as I can. But DH does help. He used to put me down like your so, and it took a lot of hard conversions before he realized that a clean house is not as important as a happy wife. I set daily and weekly goals. I tell my DH my goals and he helps me at the end of the week get them done. he works at home though. So he sees that I'm not sitting on my butt all day.

I agree with abbiemama. If you stay home you should keep up the house and cook as best as you can. That being said I'm not sleeping at night due to LO waking. I am a walking zombie. I get done as much as I can. But DH does help. He used to put me down like your so, and it took a lot of hard conversions before he realized that a clean house is not as important as a happy wife. I set daily and weekly goals. I tell my DH my goals and he helps me at the end of the week get them done. he works at home though. So he sees that I'm not sitting on my butt all day.

Here's how I see it. For 10 -12 hours each day (or more depending on the week), my DH and I each work. I, being a SAHM, raise our child, provide enriching experiences and teach him things; DH fulfills his duties at his job.

While I do also do some cleaning and cooking while DS naps, once DH is home at 6:00pm, the clock resets and we each enter our "work" and play time until we go to bed. This means dividing whatever still needs to be done around the house and with DS.

The biggest key here is we talked about this waaaaay before we got married, especially since DH often works 80-100 hour weeks. I knew that many days I would be on my own to do everything, but it is nice that on the nights my husband is home we're able to tag team the responsibilities.

Here's how I see it. For 10 -12 hours each day (or more depending on the week), my DH and I each work. I, being a SAHM, raise our child, provide enriching experiences and teach him things; DH fulfills his duties at his job.

While I do also do some cleaning and cooking while DS naps, once DH is home at 6:00pm, the clock resets and we each enter our "work" and play time until we go to bed. This means dividing whatever still needs to be done around the house and with DS.

The biggest key here is we talked about this waaaaay before we got married, especially since DH often works 80-100 hour weeks. I knew that many days I would be on my own to do everything, but it is nice that on the nights my husband is home we're able to tag team the responsibilities.

Hi! Being a SAHM can be really hard I have a toddler and one on the way. The most important thing is that you and DH sit down and define your job. What are his expectations? What are yours? Compromise on the things you find important. My husband tells me I'm a SAHM not the maid so he doesn't expect the house to be spotless. He does expect dinner to be made and laundry to be done. He expects my daughter to be learning. She knows sign language and is constantly learning new signs and words which she loves to show daddy. I don't do bathrooms because I'm pregnant, I do mop, I hate dishes so he does those a few times a week. My point is he needs to let you know exactly what he expects and keep in mind he is under a lot of pressure to provide in a down economy. Hth

Hi! Being a SAHM can be really hard I have a toddler and one on the way. The most important thing is that you and DH sit down and define your job. What are his expectations? What are yours? Compromise on the things you find important. My husband tells me I'm a SAHM not the maid so he doesn't expect the house to be spotless. He does expect dinner to be made and laundry to be done. He expects my daughter to be learning. She knows sign language and is constantly learning new signs and words which she loves to show daddy. I don't do bathrooms because I'm pregnant, I do mop, I hate dishes so he does those a few times a week. My point is he needs to let you know exactly what he expects and keep in mind he is under a lot of pressure to provide in a down economy. Hth

Thank you Thank you Thank you all! I sat down with DH and really laid it all out. To clear some things up, I am (and always have been) in charge of laundry. Hunting it down, washing, folding, putting away. For an example of the attitude I was getting, I once forgot to check a pocket and washed a pack of gum with DH's clothes. He immediately asked if my "new job" was too much to handle. I mean really. I can't make a mistake? I did ask him what the two most important things are as far as housekeeping goes. He says keeping the kitchen spotless and not having toys everywhere in the living room when he gets home. So now every morning we play in the living room, then the toys get cleared away during nap time and we play in DD's bedroom in the afternoon and the living room stays clean. The kitchen gets a wipe-down after every meal and DH has agreed to do a deep cleaning scrub every other week, since it's his OCD point. He also agreed to take the trash out every other day, since it's hard for me to do with a toddler. I just want to say thanks to you all for helping me realize that I needed to speak up! I do most of the cleaning as a SAHM but DH now pitches in and realizes that he will only be allowed to nap on his day off if it coincides with DD's nap. He even made dinner tonight as a thanks and to give me a break. I've been a SAHM for a month and a half and finally feel like I'm getting used to it. Thanks again, mamas.

Thank you Thank you Thank you all! I sat down with DH and really laid it all out. To clear some things up, I am (and always have been) in charge of laundry. Hunting it down, washing, folding, putting away. For an example of the attitude I was getting, I once forgot to check a pocket and washed a pack of gum with DH's clothes. He immediately asked if my "new job" was too much to handle. I mean really. I can't make a mistake? I did ask him what the two most important things are as far as housekeeping goes. He says keeping the kitchen spotless and not having toys everywhere in the living room when he gets home. So now every morning we play in the living room, then the toys get cleared away during nap time and we play in DD's bedroom in the afternoon and the living room stays clean. The kitchen gets a wipe-down after every meal and DH has agreed to do a deep cleaning scrub every other week, since it's his OCD point. He also agreed to take the trash out every other day, since it's hard for me to do with a toddler. I just want to say thanks to you all for helping me realize that I needed to speak up! I do most of the cleaning as a SAHM but DH now pitches in and realizes that he will only be allowed to nap on his day off if it coincides with DD's nap. He even made dinner tonight as a thanks and to give me a break. I've been a SAHM for a month and a half and finally feel like I'm getting used to it. Thanks again, mamas.

I'm glad you've talked with your husband and gotten everything worked out. It definitely takes time to get used to for both parents.

I just want to say that I am assuming that some of these moms have very "easy" or complacent, calm kids. I do think that staying home means that it is mostly my responsibility to clean the home, but a lot of that gets done on the weekends when my husband is home to watch my son while I do it. I have a son who will follow me around and get right into the middle of anything I'm trying to do. I can't load/unload the dishwasher while he's awake or he will crawl into it and/or get knives and forks out. I can't fold laundry while he's awake because he will throw everything all over the place. We pick up his toys during the day, at which time he proceeds to dump them all back out. If I try to cook or do dishes, he is at my feet fussing because he wants to see what I'm doing. I can barely go to the bathroom without him tearing the bathroom up, much less try to clean it. I can sweep, but he whines the whole time because he wants to hold the broom, then mushes the dirt pile everywhere. Soooo...there are a few things I can get done while he's napping each day, which includes my shower. But my husband cooks dinner half the time because he knows that whoever isn't cooking is watching our son. And I clean the downstairs bathroom while he's napping, but the upstairs one, which is right beside my son's bedroom, gets done only when husband is home and watching lo downstairs. Same with cleaning the bedrooms upstairs. And by the way, although I do the laundry, my husband knows that he is responsible for cleaning out his pockets.

I'm glad you've talked with your husband and gotten everything worked out. It definitely takes time to get used to for both parents.

I just want to say that I am assuming that some of these moms have very "easy" or complacent, calm kids. I do think that staying home means that it is mostly my responsibility to clean the home, but a lot of that gets done on the weekends when my husband is home to watch my son while I do it. I have a son who will follow me around and get right into the middle of anything I'm trying to do. I can't load/unload the dishwasher while he's awake or he will crawl into it and/or get knives and forks out. I can't fold laundry while he's awake because he will throw everything all over the place. We pick up his toys during the day, at which time he proceeds to dump them all back out. If I try to cook or do dishes, he is at my feet fussing because he wants to see what I'm doing. I can barely go to the bathroom without him tearing the bathroom up, much less try to clean it. I can sweep, but he whines the whole time because he wants to hold the broom, then mushes the dirt pile everywhere. Soooo...there are a few things I can get done while he's napping each day, which includes my shower. But my husband cooks dinner half the time because he knows that whoever isn't cooking is watching our son. And I clean the downstairs bathroom while he's napping, but the upstairs one, which is right beside my son's bedroom, gets done only when husband is home and watching lo downstairs. Same with cleaning the bedrooms upstairs. And by the way, although I do the laundry, my husband knows that he is responsible for cleaning out his pockets.

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