Consejos: She's Latina, he's black; some object

CONSEJOSShe is Latina, he is black, and some in her family object

Published 5:30 am, Monday, October 25, 2004

Q: I'm having problems with my father's side of the family accepting my fiance. I'm Latina, and he's black. I've known him for more than eight years, and we've been together for more than two.

All they care about is that he's not Latino. I love him for his personality, not his looks, race or money. My grandmother has bluntly told me that if I marry him, she won't attend our wedding.

Am I wrong not to care if she's there? My parents really like my fiance and have no complaints about us getting married next year. Only my father's family objects, and I'm not sure whether I want to invite them to my wedding if they feel this way.

Why do they think this way? Am I wrong for being with someone of another background? Should I include them in my wedding?

Danny:
A: You do not need approval from anyone in your immediate or extended family. Grandma won't be around forever, and when she goes, so will her hate and disdain for a difference she never took the time to examine.

If she misses your wedding, she can carry that to her grave, as well. No one in your family will be in your house or in your bedroom, and they won't face the challenges in your relationship, so their opinion doesn't matter. Support is great, so take it from those family members and friends who give it.

There can be so many reasons why your daddy's side has issues, but I assure you it is less out of concern and more due to ignorance. Most of our prejudices stem from the lack of effort to meet and understand people we view as different. After two years (or eight), every member of your family has had the opportunity to get to know your fiance. If not, give them that chance before the wedding. Have the boda of your dreams con el hombre que amas con todo tu corazón, and together you will re-establish a new and improved family.

Lily:
A: I agree with Danny's take on marrying YOUR media naranja, not anyone else's cup of tea. Having said that, do the polite thing and invite ALL your familia. They may not come, but you will be taking the high road by being the adult.

I suggest you NOT listen to Danny when he blames the situation on your family's ignorancia. Why? Because we were all raised during different times when different things were considered the norm. Is this ignorance? Not quite — when, where and how we were brought up mold how we think. You need to go ahead and chalk up their opinion as different from yours and move on. I married someone different from me; not only is he not Latino but he also is not Catholic, he is not 5 feet 7 inches tall, he is not a Sagittarius, he is not ... well, you get the picture. All our differences make marriage interesting. Just make sure your relationship is strong enough to withstand your differences and thrive on your similarities.

Catherine:
A: It's important to honor your family. But honoring means respecting them, not bowing to their every whim and desire. Lily's advice captures this concept exactly. By inviting your entire family, you are showing them the respect they deserve, while making your own life decisions.

From what I hear, a successful marriage takes an incredible amount of work. The more differences you add to marriage, the more difficult it becomes. On one hand, some differences are fun and only enrich the marriage. But other differences can lead to tough decisions about child-rearing, leadership roles in the home and finances. A lot of these differences will emerge only later in life.

Your immediate family and close friends know you best, and it sounds as if they have gotten to know your relationship with your fiance. If the people who know and love you the most are rejoicing with you, I say proceed with the wedding. Open your eyes to potential struggles, and open your heart to experiencing one of the most beautiful unions God has created.