September 28, 2009

I recently had a chance to chat with Mike Dunleavy, Jr. of the Indiana Pacers basketball team. He was very kind to answer a bunch of my questions, and was very earnest in doing so. In an age of irony and sarcasm, Dunleavy's sincerity should be applauded. Here's the highlights.

On how long our interview would be.

"Two minutes. 120 seconds."

On his mental state during his knee injury recovery.

"I've got the right attitude."

On his favorite part of being a basketball player.

"You know, I just like meeting people."

On watching other teams' games.

"I get League Pass, so I can watch all the games at my house. There aren't enough NBA fans left."

September 23, 2009

Excellent. I am a successful Russian entrepreneur and I have some questions about your basketball squad. Where do you dribble?

Down in V-A.

I was lead to believe that you had ownership of the New Jersey Nets basketball club. As English is not my native language, perhaps I am confused. Is New Jersey part of V-A?

Ha-HA!

I assume that laugh is one of sarcasm, meaning that V-A and New Jersey are separate locales. I am interested in purchasing all or part of your New Jersey Nets basketballing club. I would not like to purchase your dribbling organization in V-A.

We don't believe you, you need more people.

Quite the opposite, Mr. Z. As I mentioned before, I am a successful Russian businessman. I have amassed a small fortune by selling Americans things that they think are extremely Russian. Items such as vodka, communism, eagle head soup, and tickets to ballet shows. This has proved to be very lucrative. So lucrative in fact, that I hope to replicate its success in my homeland. My first order of business is purchasing an American sports team that no one cares about, but that Russians think Americans care about. Hence, I'd like to offer several billion dollars to own these New Jersey Nets basketballers.

September 22, 2009

We're called the Scott Burrell Blues Explosion. Our name used to be Toni! Toni! Toni!, but due to some sort of copyright infringement we had to change our name. So, for now, we're the Scott Burrell Blues Explosion.

As you can probably guess from my shirt, our name, and our fan club (the Rockabullies -- that's one in the red and black tanktop), we're a post-slowdrive, blues infused, meaningfulcore band that is heavily influenced by the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls. In fact, we've all taken pseudonyms when we're performing. Here's the line-up:

Dickey Pimpkins - lead guitar, backing vocals

Get Down Randy Brown - bass, backing vocals

Rusty LaRock - drums

Harper - harmonica, effects, harmonica effects

Jumpin' Jud (me) - rhythm guitar, organ, lead vocals

We've played all around the Chicagoland area. Our manager says we'll probably be able to schedule a national tour in the next few months, but word on the street is that we won't be able to perform in Washington, Arizona, Utah, Michigan, Ohio, and parts of New York and California. I guess time hasn't healed those wounds yet.

A long of our songs are written from the perspective of different players, or about the players. Probably our most famous song, so far, is "Taco Joe." It's about Joe Kleine. Here's the chorus:

Hey-ey Joe

Get us a tac-o

Hey-ey Joe

We want that tac-o

I wrote that particular lyric, but Dickey usually writes the songs. He's really good with melody. You can find our demo right here, and it'd be cool if you could hand that off to anyone you might know. Who knows, we could end up in a town near you.

And yes, we do do a cover of "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project. It's our first song every night.

September 21, 2009

It is blatantly obvious that I have uncovered another great deception in the NBA. There are only three logical explanations for this.

LeBron James has a twin brother named LaRon James who does not have perfect vision and is starting to bald. LaRon often stands in for LeBron when he feels the situation is either too dangerous or too inconsequential. We'll call this the Tony Clifton Scenario. This is the most likely.

There is some bro who looks a lot like LeBron James and is trying to capitalize on his fame and money. We'll call this the Frank Abignale Scenario. This is the second most likely, which is why it is listed second.

LeBron James wears glasses. This is not very likely because he is superhuman and therefore has superhuman vision. While it might be a Superman kind of thing, that persona has been co-opted by too many other athletes that a brazen copyright infringement would not go unchecked in NBA back channels. This can be discredited.

Like I said, it's most likely that there is a LeBron James twin that no one knows about. The only differences betwixt the two are the glasses, loss of hair, and complete lack of athletic ability. If you have seen The Prestige, you'll quickly realize that this is something that has been planned since LeBron realized he could become famous. By using a twin he is able to be in two places at once, which is hugely marketable. Plus it will extend LeBron's career because it will save the wear and tear of travelling around the globe.

As the old saying says, you never know when a famous athlete will have a less athletic brother with wacky hair that the Phoenix Suns will want to draft.

MB: Tyte, bro. I been busy at this place they sent me to. If it sound echo-y, it's cause I gotta call from the bathroom. I ain't supposed to have a phone, so I had to leave my other four at home. One of my guys got me that CuDi record. Dude's on point.

JM: I heard it ain't all that. They saying too much singing when dude can't even sing. And most of the songs are barely songs. I'll probably pass.

MB: You just ain't get it, man. That lonely stoner thing really makes sense to me.

September 17, 2009

I see you Marcin, playing for Poland in the FIBA tournament. We all see you, but that's the point isn't it? You of the 34 million dollar contract which you apparently used to buy custom red shoes. Subtle.

And that's fine, man. You can spend your money how you want. I assume you already broke ground on your pool that you'll fill with caviar or whatever. Maybe put some gold coins in there too. I don't care. I'm sure you'll buy some cars since you so readily remind everyone that you drive the fastest car in the NBA. You always have had a special knack for ostentatious wealth.

That's all well and good. You're a multi-millionaire, so you should enjoy it. But to rub your NBA status in the face of your competition is pretty wackadoodle, bro. Couldn't you have just worn regular socks like, you know, every other player in the tournament. Basically all of Spain has been in the NBA at some point, and they just wear white socks. You don't see Bostjan Nachbar wearing NBA socks and he won't shut up about that one time he scored 29 points against the Rockets. He calls it "Boki's Revenge," but that's irrelevant right now.

The point is, take off your NBA socks. And the wristband. We get it. You're in the NBA. You don't have to make everyone else self-conscious about the league they're playing in.

Well look at his hair. Would it kill him to get some bangs and a sensible side part?

Let's just hope Michael says something to him.

Totes. He will.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Jordan.

(crowd applauds)

Killer jeans, bro.

I just wanted to thank David Robinson. He knows why. He wore jeans today. Yeah, jeans. Wide leg jeans. That inspired me though. Saturday night, I'm wearing the widest wide leg jeans you can find. Any time I see David Robinson in jeans, I'm going to wear baggier jeans that him. You can count on that.

--------------

Saturday night...

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Jordan.

(crowd applauds)

Oh don’t laugh, don’t laugh. Stylish jeans, like fears, are often just an illusion.

September 14, 2009

You all might not know this, but EA Sports used to put a fake me in its NBA Live games. I played with him once in maybe 1996, and his rating wasn't 99, which kind of upset me. I'm not saying they messed up, but Live 97 had me at a 99.

NAW MAN. WAIT UP YO. THIS AIN'T RIGHT YO. LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT. I AIN'T SAYING MJ ISN'T GREAT CUZ HE IS, BUT I NEED TO SPEAK ON THIS.

What are you doing? I'm trying to remember every thing anyone ever did to offend me in the slightest, and you're interrupting me.

LOOK MIKE I'M SORRY TO BE TAKING AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE GREAT AND I LOVE YOUR GAME. BUT I CAN'T LET PEOPLE SAY YOU THE BEST WHEN ERRYBODY KNOWS HOW GREAT I AM.

This isn't cool, man. You're going to make my list.

WHAT? I PLAYED WITH LEBRON ONCE AND I HAD A TRIPLE DOUBLE. THAT MEANS I AVERAGED A TRIPLE DOUBLE AGAINST THE MVP. YES I DO KEEP TRACK OF MY STATS IN PICKUP GAMES. SO MIKE, YOU'RE GOOD BUT I'M THE BEST. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT? I'M OUT.

I'd like to thank Kanye West for giving me the motivation to release my first rap record. I guarantee that any time I see him near a mic, I'm going at him.

September 11, 2009

As referenced in the previous post, here are my two terrible Jordan Brand clothing pieces. Like I said, these are so bad that I can only wear them when I know I'm not doing anything with my wife.

First, the tangerine elephant print jersey.

Now, the reversible zip-up blue vest. This side is blue elephant print and shiny like a fish.This is the reversed side. As you can see, it zips up all the way, which is a great look, and not at all reminiscent of a dark time in our country's history.And yes, you saw that right. It does have Mars Blackmon glasses printed on the hood.I can't believe these weren't put in to mass production.

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