I don’t know what I ever did to deserve all of the love, kindness, and support that you all offer to me but I thank you from the very bottom of my heart! Your comments on my Osteopenia post absolutely melted my heart. You encouraged me, made me laugh, and brought me to tears! I cannot tell you how very much it means to me and how much I love you all. I’m not sure that I could’ve gotten through this as far as I have without your support. I really appreciated the advice and words of comfort as well. (I have read every single comment and though I haven’t gotten around to replying to all of them yet, I will) I know that I can fight this and come out on the other end, stronger than ever before. Many of you are living proof that osteopenia can be reversed and so I rest in that comfort. And the comfort that comes from my faith in the Lord.

Church today was exactly what I needed. At one point, my pastor spoke about the olive oil making process. Sounds crazy, but try to follow me here… To get the most oil from olives, the olive oil makers (whatever you want to call them) will put boulders on top of the olives to crush them and extract the good oil from them. And to get more oil, they put even heavier boulders. I can’t explain this exactly as he did but the point was that through trials and tribulations, the Lord is bringing out the goodness and blessings in our lives. Trials are never punishments and sometimes they are not of the Lord. But if you hold on and keep your eyes on the Lord and your faith strong, He will bring you out on the other side and bless you in ways that you never imagined. There is a reason for everything, as hard as that is to believe at times. God knows what he is doing. So to give up the fight would be silly. God didn’t bring me this far for me to lose hope at this point. It’s been almost 6 months since my injury, which is a long time. But I’ve come SO far. I’ve held on for this long, these long months, and I’m not about to give up now. I know that as hard as it is right now, the Lord is going to use this for his Glory, for good. And if I can reach anyone and give them hope and encouragement through an injury or an eating disorder or whatever, then it’s all worth it. This is NOT for nothing.

I also need to mention one more thing. I told you guys that I felt guilty for this, that it’s my fault. But many of your comments made me realize that it was silly to beat myself up over this. Yes, it may be partly my ED’s fault but it’s not MY fault. Because my ED is not ME. Myself and my eating disorder are two separate identities. It gave me a false sense of control, that I was doing good for my body when in actuality, it was destroying, killing me. [If you are suffering from an ED, do NOT let it fool you into thinking that it’s giving you control. It only harms, it does not help you. Your body is crying out to you to feed it and nourish it and love it. We only have this one body, one mind, and one soul… that’s it. There are no do-overs in live. You have this one chance to make this life what you want it to be. And I for one want to look back on my life when I am old and remember good times, fun times, a life full of love and joy and peace. Because we you are 80 years old, do you really think that it’s going to matter how much you weighed when you were 20? No. Weight, size, it doesn’t matter. It’s who you are deep down inside.] My point is that you and your ED are not one and the same. And so when things happen as the result of the ED, like this, well there’s just no point in putting unnecessary guilt upon yourself when you couldn’t help what happened. It is what it is, no amount of regret, guilt, or wishing you can change what you did is actually going to change it. So you just have to pick up and move on, get on with life.

And so that is what I’m doing. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, Osteopenia or not. I am hoping that I can reverse the damage, that I can regain bone density. And I know that I have come a long way in beating my ED but you know, there are still those days where it’s hard. There are still things that I don’t do or things that I do because of that ED voice still inside my head, after all this time. And for some reason, I came as far as I did and then stopped fighting it because it became this small voice. But you know, small or large, it’s still there. And a little bit of that voice is too much. So I am going to fight it with everything I have. I am going to get rid of it, once and for all. I’m kicking him out.

This osteopenia is not going to stop me from living. These past months in my life have opened my eyes to a lot of things, one of them being that you can’t stop living just because bad things happen or your life doesn’t turn out how you want it to. Or when you face challenges. You can’t shut yourself up and ride it out, you have to face it. Head on. I have felt like my life was taken away from me during these months, that because I couldn’t exercise, well what was the point in living? How silly is that?! Exercise does not define me. Running does not define me. And the absence of them does not mean I get to put my life on hold. But the thing is, I did put my life on hold. I shut myself up and pushed away friends and family who loved me because I was so miserable that I just didn’t want anyone to try and cheer me up. Where is the sense in that? I have learned that you can only push people away so many times before they don’t come back. I’ve let some relationships become damaged because of that and I hate it. Especially when I have realized that that’s what your family and friends are for, to stand by you through the hard times AND the good times.

So I don’t know where this is going to lead me but I DO know that I want to take this experience and do something positive with it. I want to glorify my God in all that I do and reach out to others who are struggling. How? I’m not quite sure. But I am confidant in that the opportunity will present itself in time. Until then, well I would like to start doing more things to help others or brighten their day in some kind of way. And if I can ask anything of you it’s that I want you to love your body, treat it well. Because you’re amazing and beautiful and perfect, just the way you are.

I can’t believe I waited so long to do this! It was amazing! I felt kind of sneaky doing it at first but then once I saw women going into the bathroom, I started to feel really happy and that maybe, just maybe, someone will see that note who really needs that message. It’s so easy to make a difference in the world, even through “small” things like Operation Beautiful! I am now going to carry around post-its in my purse wherever I go and really start spreading this message. And I challenge you to do the same! If you haven’t posted an OB message, do it! You never know who’s life you may change with one simple encouraging message. And that’s the truth!

Now back to the food..

I had a bowl of fruit for breakfast…

I kid, I kid. It also had yogurt somewhere under there under all of that fruity deliciousness.

Along with more Kashi Island Vanilla cereal.

It was extremely refreshing!

After church, all I wanted was a PB & J. Obviously, I have withdrawals when I don’t have nut butter in my breakfast..

I used regular peanut butter (the Skippy natural brand) and Crofter’s on whole wheat bread.

Along with 2 carrots.

And some cantaloupe.

I then went out and did some errands and shopping, including a new book and Sex and the City Season 4 on DVD… yeah. I already bought Season 3 after buying the entire 1st and 2nd season off of iTunes, after which I realized was ridiculously overpriced. PLUS Best Buy was having a huge sell on the DVD’s since the new movie is coming out soon (yay!). So yeah, it was on sale. So there. (someone please come take my debit card away from me before I spend my life savings on Sex and the City, cute dishware, and nut butter…)

While shopping, at had this Clif bar from the depths of my purse.

I wasn’t really in the mood for it but I was hungry and it was there so into my belly it went.

We ordered take out Thai for dinner.

What is that you ask? The unnatural orangness of my food, that’s what it is.

This would be Greek Yogurt, a chocolate Vita-Top, and some PB & Co. Dark Chocolate Dreams (from the lovely Gabriela). Foodgasm. Oh yes.

And now I’m going to attempt to get into bed a bit early, after some Sex and the City and blog-reading of course. Because tomorrow is my first day back to work!! Woo!!! I don’t go until 2 in the afternoon but that means I have a LOT to fit into my morning (breakfast, lunch, PT exercises, bone treatment, etc.). Not that you really needed to know that… anyways, I wish you all a wonderful blessed night. Thank you again for all of your support and encouragement, I wish I could give each and every one of you a big hug and show you how much you mean to me.

Love, Jess

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened." – 1 Peter 3:14

… say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." -Isaiah 35:4

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. =Isaiah 41:10

Rate this:

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

Post navigation

41 thoughts on “Love Your Body”

I love what you’re saying here – funny how the ONE thing that is most important to remember, is sometimes the one thing that is easiest to forget…to love ourselves for what we are because we really ARE enough 🙂
Glad you’ve got it in your head that you WILL overcome this. You are certainly strong enough to.
As always, the eats look superbbb. You’re right – the breakfast looks so fresh! I ought to try that kashi cereal – for some reason that one’s slipped under my radar!
Have a great night, Jess 🙂

I struggle with the opposite extreme now – and feeling like it’s been going on so long that I’m a loser for not having any control. And, no snide comments from anyone please. Unless you have the uncontrollable destructive feeling, it’s impossilbe to know.
Is it ever too late girl?
Your just a youngin’.

Girl I really love you! Your comments always make me so happy, and I can only hope that I do the same for you. You are an amazing individual to have such a healthy attitude after all you have been through. And please, keep watching SATC and Friends, because really they were the best things to ever happen to TV.

Oh girl, thank you! Your comments always make me smile! I love your blog, it never fails to give me a laugh or at least commiserate with you 😉 Oh yes, I’m beginning to see the amazingness that IS Friends and SATC. I can’t believe I waited SO long to watch them!

Jess, this is an absolutely amazing post! Seriously, I smiled all the way through it. You are such an optimistic and inspiring person–you have such a beautiful heart and spirit! I wish I could spend an afternoon with you… sit and talk over coffee or something equally delightful! Love love love. 🙂

I am catching up on my blog reading so I’m sorry I didn’t comment yesterday…I am really sorry to hear about the osteopenia!! I’m glad that so many of your great commenters made you feel better and I’m happy you are in a better place today. You are such a positive, sweet person. I know that things will work out for you the right way Jess. I’m crossing my fingers for you.

Reading your account of the pastor’s message made me tear. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I keep telling myself that “God is bringing us to something so awesome and amazing”, but it is nice to hear something similar from another. Keeping you in my prayers!

This…This post was just what I needed to read. You are totally right about EVERYTHING that you said. You are an amazing woman I hope you know. You have inspired me to want to better myself and let go of my ED.

the way i think of osteopenia is as a reminder of the fact that our health is precious, that we only get one body, and we need to treat our bodies as kindly as possible! the beautiful thing about it is that it’s not permanent, it can be reversed. it’s a warning sign that if you don’t start to do things differently there WILL be permanent effects (osteoperosis). i like your pastor’s sermon, cool analogy!

Oh my your dessert thing looks INCREDIBLE!
Good on you for deciding to live life to the fullest and all that 😀 that’s totally the way to go! And it’s so true – your ED isn’t you! That was really wise, whoever said that.
Love you girl! xxxx

I have no idea what a vita-top muffin is, but it looks delish and I want one!

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I was really struck by the 80 year old comment, just as I was worrying about going on a night out with work colleagues that would inevitably involve eating food that I can’t plan for in advance so was thinking I wouldn’t go. Your words have really struck me and now I want to go and have the fun memories to look back on when I’m 80 – hey, maybe even next week when I’ve forgotten about the food but the laughs remain.
Thanks again (all the way from England!)
x

I’m so glad that you are feeling better today. I love everything that you have written here. Sometimes church is just what you need to make you feel better. I hope you have a great day back at work. Just think how amazing it is that you are working again so soon.
And I agree with whoever said that your ED is not you. A very wise comment indeed.

I’m just catching up on my blogs…I’m so sorry to hear about the osteopenia! And yet you totally have the right attitude – trusting in God, separating yourself from ED, and vowing to live life to the fullest!

You can tell a lot about a person from how they react to adversity, and you hun, have an absolutely beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing the message from your pastor; I think it’s a really great one. So often we’re stuck focusing on how much our struggles wear us down, that we forget to look for the good that comes out of hardship. God has great things planned for you, love. Don’t lose faith.

I love your post and your words, always somethign so beautiful to share and on top of that LOVe the operation beautiful note you posted!! I haven’t done my first one yet!! maybe I will this week… maybe in my gym?!

so important to embrace and love your body…or else you could look like heidi montag 🙂 (hehe thought I would bring some comdey here) but seriously, I love this post and you are such a beautiful person

its been over a year for me Jess…over a year of NOTHING…nothing…
and it will be much LONGER yet…
u only have gone 6 months…u are 22…i am 29…

and the hard thing is that for me its eating more that is entailed also…i am not sure how to come to grips with seeing others in similar situations but eat so so little…for example, what u have for breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack is around equal cals of my breakfast and only part of my midmorning snack alone…
i see people around me and on other blogs…they eat in 3 big meals and a snack…what i eat combined in breakfast and midmorning snack…

it all sucks
and i cannot concentrate on my mind or body cause i have to work fultime (at a despised job), i have to pay my debt and struggle to pay rent and move and this and that

its so overwhelming

thats why i think u have tons of greatness and potential left
me …i just am a mess
u will do just fine i think.

This post literally brought tears to my eyes for so many reasons. You have such a beautiful spirit and a way of reflecting on things that really touches other people. What moved me especially was this:

“There are still things that I don’t do or things that I do because of that ED voice still inside my head, after all this time. And for some reason, I came as far as I did and then stopped fighting it because it became this small voice. But you know, small or large, it’s still there. And a little bit of that voice is too much. So I am going to fight it with everything I have.”

So, so awesome. I definitely have this issue too…since ED no longer controls my life, I don’t think much of its voice, but you’re right, even a whisper is way too much. I’m making it a goal to work on this too…we are so much better than anything ED says to us!

I also love what you said about God, and how he knows what he’s doing. I got into a HUGE argument with a friend last night about God, which absolutely killed me on so many levels, so waking up and finding this in my reader made a world of difference. I need to trust God that this happened for a reason, and put my faith in Him to resolve things with her. You made my day with this, and it’s only 8 am 🙂

As I was reading your post I kept thinking of a million responses and comments I wanted to say. But I’ll just say this: Your thoughts and takes on what’s going on in your life touch me in ways you have no idea. Thank you for your attitude and outlook. It means a lot.

Good for you putting your positive foot forward! Honestly, it is the hardest thing to do, but it really does help you out mentally and physically! I know you will get through this and be better for it! Have a great week!

THANK YOU for posting this message today. I know it was meant more as comfort for you and to go through your thoughts and emotions but it really helped me today. The olive oil analogy is perfect and something I really need to grasp onto right now. Also, I love how you mentioned running and working out don’t define you, just as ED doesn’t define you. I think that is part of why I have been having a hard time. Before my fitness was such a huge part of me that I feel lost and not like me without it being a big part of my life. I can’t imagine how it feels for you because I can still do some working out (just not like I used to). You inspire me so much Jess to be getting through this and pushing through the rough days. Your example is just what I needed to be reminded of today and this tough week I face ahead.

I feel like we are going through a lot of the same things right now. I may be having the same issues. My vitamin levels are low, and since I have arthritis, and dis-use osteoporosis in my ankle, I feel your pain. (No pun intended) Stay strong. We will both overcome this. I love thai food, but I usually stick with curry or pad thai. You PB&J brings me back to childhood. Hang in there!

you are going to always have ups and downs with your ED and its thoughts. im 21 and have been in recovery since mine at 17. and i dont talk about it often to anyone really. i keep it a secret, but i feel encouraged to help and guide those dealing with it.. sort of as a way to relate uno? i can say it gets easier but there are times where it feels like things are slipping. i think as u get older ur thoughts and management seems more automatic. and every bad thought quickly gets replaced with a good one. ❤ xoxo

This post too will help many other girls, so thanks again! You are so right that who you are with an ED, is not truly you. Your life is only getting better and fuller by the minute. Way to go girl, lot of love being sent your way!

Hey love, thank you for your sweet e-mail. I love what you have written here. You are right about so many things. Your ED is not you. You are a beautiful person inside and out. You have so much going for you. There is so much more to life than the way we look or whether or not we run, or any of the other things that we put so much pressure on ourselves for. And when we are older, none of it will matter. Often that is when people realize that they wasted their lives away worrying about things that didn’t matter when they should have been focusing on the things that really do- family, friends, love, our own personal passions and the things that truly make us happy. You are wise beyond your years because you already know this and you are living by it. You are destined for great things. Lots of love and thinking of you ❤

Of course girl…I want it to be shared. I really love and appreciate your comments. You are so special – and don’t forget it ! I wish we could hang out together…and eat sweet potatoe fries and ice cream 😉