The topic of failure and how kids these days react to it came up at my class yesterday when we were discussing the trends and history in education. Some of the issues covered were dress code, discipline, legislature… but the topic of failure caught my attention a bit more than the others.

I remember failing as a child. My parents didn’t try to make up for it or make me feel better by compensating with a gift. They also didn’t tell me a fake story about how it was actually someone else’s fault and not mine. I was raised to take ownership of my choices and understand the consequences of those choices.

Many kids today are very fragile. One life skill that is not being modeled or communicated is handling failure. We are always trying to protect the emotional space of a child but in turn making them weak individuals. We have more kids with emotional issues now than ever before. The helicopter parenting, the “every child is a winner” mentality is crippling.

I’m all for positive reinforcement, I’m all for empathy, but true nourishment of the mind comes from experiencing a variety of emotions and getting skilled at dealing with them.

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
– Truman Capote

It’s naive of parents today to think that if their child can find an app on an iPad or swipe unlock a phone, they now know how to use a computer. Technology is commonly associated with gaming but in reality, technology is a vast term that includes such a diverse array of offerings. I teach 140 students every week and only a handful come with an understanding of the productivity aspect of technology. These are the kids who know more than just downloading games on their parent’s tablet and charging it. It’s the 21st century. Children encounter technology in every area of their lives, be it at school or home and whether we like it or not, technology plays a formative role in the development of a child today. Our refrigerators and vehicles and laundry machines are all intelligent machines, and so it just makes sense that our children understand how things work and even consider learning how to utilize these tools to their advantage.

It is not bad omen to read on a Kindle. Yes I like to smell the pages in a book. I understand that phenomenal goose-bump inducing event of touching a matte cover with raised print. It is almost like getting drawn into an intergalactic wormhole and becoming one with the book. But if we drop the baggage of technophobia, we will realize that there is great convenience associated with it. Managing a calendar, creating lists and receiving timely notifications has never been easier. I can finally declutter my refrigerator and be done with the hundred stickies that were wallpapered on it. I can track the whereabouts of my children when they are away from home or share my schedule with my family so they know what my day looks like. Taking it a step further, have you ever thought about building a digital portfolio showcasing your accomplishments? It would be so easy to share it at multiple levels. Think about the ease of access! What about taking up blogging as a hobby and developing writing skills?

Breaking news: school state exams are now mostly online. Why do you think that such a transition has been made? Because this is how there can be more effective grading; it saves costs and allows fair judgement; there are accommodations for kids with special needs, there’s more uniformity. So if a kid can’t see well, there is an option to zoom in the text, or if a child’s primary language isn’t English, multiple language options are available and the questions can be read out on the child’s headphones. These are just a few examples. We are now using technology in our schools to help kids with learning disabilities. Today’s teaching methods involve blended learning experiences where students can access global knowledge right from their devices and use collaborative tools in the classroom. We are now past the stage where we argue if technology is affecting our cognitive skills. It is now up to us to determine effective ways to incorporate the many uses and benefits associated with the many facets of technology.

The use of technology is an additional skill every child needs to learn. It by no means replaces the conventional pencil and paper. But every generation adds on a new skill, and for us it is the productive use of technology.

My advice for parents of today is to look at technology as a productivity tool. Their exposure can be limited and defined so there’s a balance and method to the madness we see today. Embrace the trends that are relevant to the changing needs of the times and look into inspiring children to become innovative leaders of tomorrow. Our children are the future workforce where Big Data and Artificial Intelligence will make up a huge percentage of the jobs to come. What John Dewey said many years ago, makes total sense now: “If we teach today as we taught yesterday, we rob our children of tomorrow.” Doesn’t it?

In 1969, Dr. Ginott used the term helicopter parents in his book entitled Parents and Teenagers.

I came across this term a few years ago and didn’t pay much attention to it until I became a teacher and ran into a few parents who fit that term perfectly. Helicopter parents hover over their children excessively, controlling and managing their routines, tasks and decisions, and take responsibility of their child’s failures or successes.

As a parent and a teacher, I have learned that allowing a child to do what they can do by themselves helps empower them. Overcontrolling and overprotection can deplete their natural strengths and curiosity, and hamper their spirit of learning. This can make them overdependent. Many helicopter parents start off by simply helping their children become engaged in various activities and providing direction but their involvement deepens as competition with other parents sets in, or the fear of their child’s poor performance keeps them from letting their child work independently. Sadly, more often that not, children of helicopter parents end up losing self confidence and self esteem, and because they have always had an adult hovering over them, they become afraid of making decisions and coping with real life challenges.

I like to ask my kids and students to figure out how to do things when I’m sure I’ve give them instructions and they are capable of completing certain tasks. Our brain behaves like a muscle that needs to be used so it stays supple and active. Creating an environment for children to learn from failure is vital for mastering life skills. While we need to provide direction and watch out for our child’s emotional status, we need to remind ourselves of our primary goal: shaping children as self reliant individuals.

Teaching my kids to be fearless dreamers has been on top of my agenda. Dreams evolve, dreams change, but the process of dreaming keeps a child inspired. I share my dreams with my children regardless of how silly they may sound. Inside every dream lies a clue or representation of what could make us passionate. A few days ago, I shared my bucket list with my children who are now fourteen and ten. I started writing out lists from a very early age when my mother, one evening during a thunderstorm blackout, told me that writing thoughts helps make a stronger mark in our minds. Since then, it has become a habit. I make lists for everything, even my dreams for there is great power in visualization, in retrospection, and intention.

I also discovered how keeping my children in a safe box kills their spirit. Many a time, parents want children to follow a traditional path or a familiar route hoping for predictable outcomes. While that may be in order, a lot of times, we end up suppressing the process of self-discovery and self-exploration. As a parent, I am learning to keep my involvement with my children as guidelines from my experience instead of inadvertently pushing my opinions or desires upon them. As my children grow, I grow along with them and as they experience the journey of life with me, I know they are watching me grow every day. Hopefully, they see me as an inspiration, as a person who decided not to dwell in a comfort zone and get bored.

To my children:
Remember that you are unique individuals, capable of accomplishing anything. Some thoughts–
1. God created you and God doesn’t create junk.
2. You are better than no one and no one is better than you.
3. You are responsible for what you do in life.
4. Respect people regardless of where they come from.
5. Trust your gut.
6. If the man you love causes you sad tears, he’s not worth it.
7. Don’t spend too much time on your physical beauty. You’ll drive yourself crazy.
8. Read a lot of books. Read all kinds of books.
9. Never stop dreaming. Or having goals.
10. Be fit. Work hard at it.
11. If you’re stuck in a conundrum, think long and hard, you will find a solution.
12. Don’t take advice from just anyone.
13. Stay away from drama. Always.
14. Travel a lot.
15. Technology is your friend.
16. There is a lot of power in prayer.
17. Spend your money, but save some where you can’t get it easily.
18. Serve those who need you, the orphans, the sick, the poor, the elderly. This should be a dominant thought.
19. Make lists and save them on a cloud.
20. Remember your mama is always available for you. No matter what!

One of the many rewarding duties at my job is safety patrol. My permanent spot is at the flag crossing. It is where children and parents walk over the drive-thru lane from the side of the school to the parking lot by the main road. My patrol vest is a shabby orange one that needs a makeover but it grabs attention for sure. I have two student safety patrol members with me in trendy bright green vests and matching neon hard hats. These students and I share a special bond. We are a team. This is where I receive my showering of morning greetings from children crossing the lane and their lovely parents. This is where a few enthusiastic toddlers who accompany their older siblings give me high-five or a good mornin’ cheer. This is where my legs get squeezed with affection by little crossers as I firmly hold the sign to stop oncoming traffic. As parents drop off their children, I am bombarded with many different versions of have a good day. Some are subtle utterings, some are more vivacious, but all impact my daily life in a significant way, like little doses of energy to fuel my day.

But the crosswalk isn’t always as positive a junction. Often times a rushed parent disobeys a rule and leaves us all alarmed and confused. Perhaps they are late for a meeting, or they aren’t feeling well, or maybe something is going on in their lives that is occupying their mental space. And so they make a choice that leaves us all bewildered.

We also witness pockets of social exchanges. I’ve heard stories of travels and weekend shenanigans. Once in a while there’s a whiff of tale that scratches my ears. Other times, I am invited for a deeper involvement.

As I look back on the days when I was younger and kids walked to school alone, I realize how the world has evolved into a more complex setting. Stranger danger, street crime, or reckless drivers are all fears a parent has. But are these fears misplaced and are we too obsessed with our overprotective quirks and helicopter parenting? Have the times really changed or are we living amidst a self-created social paranoia? I don’t know the answer. All I know that when I am on the crosswalk every morning, it is endearing to see a daddy hold his child’s little and trusting hand across the street safely and give him a reassuring hug. It is heartwarming to see a mom take the extra two minutes before her incredibly busy day and listen to her child’s early morning rant. It doesn’t matter if the world has changed or not. What matters is that we readjust our lives to keep the bonds steady and strong. And so if it means walking my child across the crosswalk, I would totally embrace it!

There isn’t a 100% sure shot method of ensuring that children don’t get into messy situations while growing up. The only thing I know is that if children are engaged in enough productive activities that keep them busy, nurture their creativity and help them feel accomplished, they may not wander off looking for time-fillers or friends that could be a bad influence. Also, as a parent, we need to spend time with our children in activities they enjoy so they feel respected. Often times, we try to fulfill our dreams and desires through our children instead of focusing on their interests and talents. Every act of ours is a mental deposit into the minds of our children. Only time will tell how well we did as parents. For now, we’ve got to keep them close to our hearts and our presence.

Recently at our school open-house, a few parents talked to me about having trouble getting their kids to read and if I could suggest an “app” or technological technique to enhance their interest. So I told them how some kids read because they have to and some kids read because they want to. Some kids feel fulfilled when they read. Some take it to the next level and become avid writers.

At recess, I see some students who find a quiet spot under a tree or on a bench, engrossed in a book, eyes moving intensely with the words, and I can almost see them become a part of the pages, and when the bell rings, I have to tell them to go back in. While I’m secretly impressed by that passion, I’m also fully aware of the fact that sources for passion are different for everybody. And they can even change with time.

I can list a ton of apps that help a child to learn “how-to” read, sound out words and such, but really, our interests come from what stimulates our mind, which in turn reinforce our behavior and determine what we do in our spare time. Our hearts race with different stimulants, and as long as we’re productive, it’s all good.

Should that even be something to talk about? Kids need to eat and drink abundantly, don’t they? I suppose they do, but if you’ve taken time to understand nutrition, you’ll know that even children need to eat the right foods in order to grow with good health! With obesity and other disorders plaguing the world today, it only makes sense to start early. But like anything else, we as parents need to set the right example by making the right food choices.

Here’s a few things I learned over the years:

Variety is the way to go. Offer your children a variety of foods, cooked in different styles so they can learn to enjoy mealtimes and experience different flavors.

Control your portions so they see the value of not overfilling a plate. When they see you savor every bite, they will eat slowly and eat enough.

Offer fruits and vegetables as snacks and learn simple and healthy alternatives to fried foods. This way, the food is packed with nutrients and still tastes delicious.

Find out what appeals to your child’s appetite. Is it color, smell, presentation? Focus your meal using those guidelines so a picky eater will be attracted to what is being served.

Cut out soda from your life. It’s the worst thing that happened to earth in every way.

When parents don’t have appropriate answers to queries our children shower on us, or if we’re too busy catching up on our TV shows, we hush them up and change the topic hoping the child forgets and the curiosity gets sucked in a black hole.

It doesn’t really happen. Kids are clever, smart and receptive. They may appear distracted but deep inside, their curiosity lives on. And with the endless resources available to children these days, it may be a mistake to brush their questions under the carpet. I prefer to be the person answering my children’s questions in a well designed format, not a random website or an equally confused classmate of my child.

What has worked with me is — not be a reactive parent. I like to listen carefully when my children are discussing an issue with me, however insignificant or uninteresting it may seem. Often times, just the narration of a thought is enough to release a concern and an answer or clarification is unnecessary. And sometimes, a brief answer or tactful example can be satisfactory for the tender minds.

I feel that asking questions helps develop a child’s creativity as well as establish a strong bond between the parent and child. At school we reward our students when they answer questions and discourage when they ask because the time is never right! At home, we often get agitated when they come to us. I think if parents help children redirect their thoughts to productively question, we may be able to motivate them towards becoming possibility thinkers.