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18 January 2016

Acceptance, Love and my Shadow

There are moments in life that change our perception of all that is around us, all that is in us and all that remains for us in the years to come. In every persons life comes a moment that we realize that all those dreams we had as a child have now passed, things have changed and there may not be as many years left to experience all the things we have forgotten we wanted to do, our so called bucket list. There are books, movies, discussion groups and all other avenues of support for this moment but yet when it comes it is a very personal moment, one not many of us share, one that pulls us within ourselves and makes us take a hard look at our lives, each and every minute of it, good, bad and ugly. I have been doing that it appears for a long time now, the last year has been one of such transition and change both geographically and emotionally that it is very hard not to see things through different eyes, in fact every time I turn around there is a new realization, in fact my sister April asked the other day if that was what was going on with me and I had to admit that yes, just like an onion I had found more layers to myself as I started to peel back all that I thought I knew, there was more, lots more that I had shelved and refused to admit or see, that shadow forever lurking.

As I started this process some years ago of looking and being honest about myself I was afraid of looking too deeply, admitting too much and letting others in ~ that is the worst part for me, but I did it....I opened the blinds looked in and admitted that I have a very dark shadow side, for many years I felt more comfortable in that space because it meant I did not have to let anyone in to know the true state of my life. I did not always make the best choices, I didn't always do the right thing for me or others, and yes I did some crappy things at times, like most others that have a chapter in their lives they don't discuss or admit to, for me that does not work...I cannot heal, move forward and grow without admitting where I feel that I could have done more, been more or wanted better for me and others. yes I can be pretty hard on myself and that was one of the things I had to learn to stop doing.....afterall if I could not love myself how could I expect anyone else to love me? Now as I approach my Crone years I see much clearer that all I am is a product of all I have lived through.....whether I handled the situations I lived in the best ways or not it all pushed me to become who I am now......I did not like myself then.....but I love myself now. It saddens me that it took me so long to accept and love myself, I have missed out on so many years of love and kindness that I could have given myself, improved so much for my life but I could not see how important that was....and I have also come to realize that if I am not vigilant in my love of self now that I will allow others to tamper with that, skew my perceptions of who I am and what value, qualities and energy I bring to the table of life. Being Pagan was something that when I was much more naive I thought meant that everyone you meet is so great, honest and straightforward because well they are Pagan, NOT TRUE! people are people no matter what path they follow or God or Goddess they call to, they are people, some who understand their shadow sides and others that hide from them for a variety of reasons.....some for the same reasons as me, lacking in self love, self acceptance, self realization and overall lack of SELF knowledge leads us to make very bad decisions and walk harder paths.....that has been my life, and I am ok with that....but I admit I am damaged, I have panic issues, depression and I seem to search out those that will inevitably prove to me that in their eyes my worth is tied to how much money I have or can provide them......that is not the truth, that is simply their perception of what is important to them.

Poverty may be a hard mistress, but people are worse.......I chose this life for myself, it hasn't been easy, it has been downright heartbreaking at times but yet it is a beautiful life I have built, filled with magic, love and moments that have taken my breath away....I have come to understand that prosperity means different things to each of us, my magic craved the love, the people connection and the beauty of a family....I have that so in many ways I am a very successful witch as I have managed to create the life I dreamed of as a child, it's not perfect but it is mine......I have more growth to live through and embrace, some will be hard, some will be liberating and wonderful......and such is life, the years of my youth are gone but the truth of the Crone burns bright in me and won't be silenced as I embrace that child in my heart that was so damaged by this world, I will be gentle with myself and I will keep trudging at times on my path and at others skipping happily along as if the years had not passed at all....happily bending my wire as it helps me to focus and see things much more clearly around me, every bend a new meditation and realization......me and my damaged soul will keep growing......keep loving and nurturing my heart and the heart of those that are in my life, striving to be better than I was yesterday but realizing that I am no better than anyone else walking this path.....giving of myself to those that cross my path in honesty, sincerity and love.