Top Gun

For those of you who don’t remember, “Top Gun” was the movie about a bunch of guys who stand around high-fiving each other for about 90 minutes. The movie focuses on some loser named “Maverick” who penetrates deep into the coveted veil of the top gun academy of smug, sexually frustrated aviators. I know many of you reading this will probably think I’m exaggerating when I say this (since I exaggerate everything), but there were no fewer than 500 shower scenes in this movie. The wardrobe for this film must have consisted of a towel, a jump suit, and 50 pages of gay innuendo, because the rest of the time Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer were walking around naked eyeing each other’s packages.

Then as if the director didn’t think all the high-fiving and shower scenes were suggestive enough, there was a gratuitous scene in which all the guys got oiled up and played volleyball. Every few minutes I half-expected to see Cruise and Kilmer lock lips to a ballad of “It’s Raining Men:” If you remember having good memories of this movie, then it was probably because you were too young to know what was going on, or an idiot. Don’t bother resurrecting this classic to prove I’m right.