Each week, we look at the biggest celebrity news—and amuse ourselves by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted. Join us as we take a look inside Oprah’s closet, wait in line for the bathroom with ScarJo and Jessica Alba, and text with Sandra and George.

Chelsy Davy sips a vodka soda on her terrace, on the phone with her friend. “That wedding is not happening. He’s still gallivanting around the world, living it up. He’s not ready to, you know, push a stroller around a park or talk about decorating a kitchen, or whatever . . . No, you know that I refuse to say her name. It’s a ridiculous name! Every time I say it, I feel like I’m casting a spell.”

Oprah saunters in. Her assistant is pointing at an open drawer. Visible are 17 gold toothpicks, an autographed picture of Kenny Chesney, an emerald comb, a handwritten letter from George Washington, and a bottle of Marie Antoinette’s perfume.

“Oh, my Drawer of Stuff. No, we’re not auctioning any of this.”

Her assistant looks at her dumbstruck. “This George Washington . . . I don't — this letter says ‘Dear, Oprah,’ but you weren’t born until . . . “

Oprah just smiles as she walks away.

Scarlett Johansson named the “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire for the second time.

“Congrats, Scarlett,” Jessica Alba tells her as they stand in line for the bathroom at an event.

“Oh, thanks . . . I mean, it’s all so silly,” Scarlett laughs. “Like, was I dead for the intervening seven years? In a coma?”

“Well, I’ve never won it,” Jessica frowns.

“Just strangle me here, and it’s yours!” Scarlett cackles. Jessica laughs politely (“Yeah, you better watch out! Hahahha!”), and then the two of them both look down at their phones in silence.

__Lindsay Lohan and Dina Lohan are photographed on CitiBikes. __

“I feel so wholesome,” Lindsay says as they remove the bikes from the rack, posing for the paparazzi.

“You know that we have to actually ride them around now.”

“Ew, are you kidding, mom? No way. You’re demented. Do you know how many people have ridden on these? I read that, like, homeless people lick the seats and stuff.”

She flashes one last smile to the throng of photographers and then lets the bike fall over on its side before strutting away.

Bruce and Kris Jenner announce their separation.

Kourtney and Khloe work out on side-by-side ellipticals.

“So I walked in on Mom scrolling through Tinder last night,” Khloe shouts. “It was disturbing. She showed me a pic of a guy who looked like he was Rob’s age and asked me what I thought.”

“Oh, I know. She asked me if Scott had any friends to set her up with.”

Khloe wipes the sweat off her brow. “How soon do you think it’s going to be ‘til she plants a story that Kanye’s leaving Kim for her?”