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Today I learned something absolutely fantastic, and I now feel the confidence to come out with another of my own deep, dark secrets: I am not the only person to have an insane crush on Conan O’Brien.

My marriage be damned, I have a lot of relatively atypical celebrity crushes. Conan O’Brien is one of them. While most of the people I know are gushing over those raging douches on Jersey Shore, and the likes of Brad Pitt, I stick to the underdogs who are rarely the source of celebrity swooning. It isn’t that the “underdogs” aren’t attractive, it’s just that the people I generally swoon after are both attractive as well as intelligent, the latter not always appreciated by the general public.

Or possibly I’m completely insane. I think we’ve established that is a very legitimate possibility. Last week I admitted to you, faithful blog followers, that I have had a secret love of Wolf Blitzer (and most of the other major cable network news anchors) for some time. Now, when my friend Erica posted on her Facebook this evening that she too has an unearthly crush on the red-haired comedienne, I am ready to come forward with not only my love of Coco, but all my celebrity crushes.

#1 Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews, et all

Maybe it’s because they raise their voices all the time on the television, or possibly because they know so much about the world and political theory. Whatever the case may be, I have the hots for the majority of male news anchors on the major cable networks, with (of course) the exception of Fox.

#2 Conan O’Brien

I haven’t even watched his show for that long; possibly since he began on TBS about a year ago. Nonetheless, most nights of the week I tune in to hear his musings on the world, his comedic banter with his guests and side-kick Andy, and delight in the sarcastic wit that bleeds through the show every night.

#3 Most of the young priests on EWTN

Am I going to hell for this one? I spend a lot of time hanging out with my father and, as a result of his staunch Catholicism, we often find ourselves watching talk shows on the Catholic station, EWTN. They are boring beyond belief, though, leaving me only one option to stay entertained: find someone hot to look at. Of course thinking that those young priests are hot beyond all reason is probably my straight ticket to hell. Whatever, I think we all know I am going that way anyway.

#4 Gerard Butler

Do other people find this guy attractive? I know he is something of a rising star these days, but every time I mention to someone that I have a celebrity crush on Butler, they look at me like I’m a complete moron. In any event, he makes me swoon.

#5 Chris Hardwick

A few years ago, my friend Jeremy and I saw Hardwick’s comedy routine live in Hollywood. We sat in the front row and at one point Hardwick leaned over and asked me if something was stuck in the microphone. It was everything I could do not to say directly into that microphone “would you like me to have your babies?” Hardwick – for me – is a matter of nostalgia, as well as his absolutely hilarious comedic style.

And last, but certainly not least #6 John Cusack

Again, does anyone crush on John Cusack? I do. I always have. I think it has to do with the fact that his characters are always portrayed in the exact way I feel. I don’t think I enjoyed him that much in Being John Malcovich, and I was absolutely disappointed that he participated in that Hot Tub Time Machine atrocity; nonetheless, I have always had a major crush on the man behind Gross Pointe Blank and High Fidelity.

The thing to remember about me, faithful blog followers, is that I am more attracted to the qualities of intelligence, wit, misanthrope, and sarcasm far beyond anything else. I don’t “fantasize” about any of my atypical celebrity crushes, but were I to it would likely be a matter of getting into a conversation about some esoteric topic; or of exchanging witty banter on all things in the world stupid. Nothing would excite me more than exchanging sarcasm with Conan O’Brien, or getting into a debate about political theory with Wolf Blitzer. Nothing, faithful blog followers. Nothing.

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