Junior Earplug Adventures: Winning Numbers (Part Forty-Two)

Having arrived in the wings via elevator, Chester and Onlie applauded quietly…

“Say, Onlie.” Chester whispered. “If this show is a success, that girl could have quite a career ahead of her. She could be the first-ever interstellar superstar.”

“I concur.” Onlie replied. “It would have been nice if she’d shown us her bum though, don’t you think?”

Although Chester agreed entirely, he didn’t get a chance to express his opinion. That is because Jed Perkins marched on to the stage in a most resolute manner. But when he took up his position, his confidence also evaporated…

…and panic very nearly set in. All his jokes just seemed to have dissipated into the air around him. For a moment an ugly silence filled the auditorium. Even Sinclair couldn’t help him this time: after all he could hardly suggest that Jed pull down his hiking shorts and show everyone his bum: it was so unoriginal. Fortunately Jed was able to fall back on the oldest and best joke in the whole world. It was a joke that would allow the captain to assist him too.

“I say, I say, I say.” He blurted. “My plugmutt has no nose.”

To which Sinclair responded with: “Your plugmutt has no nose? How does it smell?”

Jed then delivered the punchline that was guaranteed to win his audience over: “Terrible!” He bellowed.

From then on he had the audience metaphorically eating out of his hands. He told rude jokes about pitons, crampons, and other lesser-known climbing equipment. He made lewd remarks about water-proofing aerosols and bungie straps. He even added a few caustic jibes at cross-country runners; hot-air balloonists; glucose; and heather. But eventually he responded to the stage manager’s urgent hand waving and took his applause…

Then Wendy and Ragi entertained with a sparkly dress routine…

…whilst the next act plucked up enough courage to enter the fray. The dance did over-run slightly, but eventually Charles and Wolfgang were persuaded to come on to display their prowess with the screwdriver and torque wrench…

Unfortunately the buggy that they were supposedly fixing was actually brand new and pristine. Charles took this as an affront to his professionalism and Wolfgang duly kicked the machine on to its side…

…and, together, they stormed off.

Assuming that the multifarious expletives cast across the auditorium were part of the act, the crowd went wild. They always loved people getting angry and swearing a lot. But Captain Sinclair Brooch was paying more attention to his wrist communicator, which displayed the ship’s main viewer on a small LED screen. He was more concerned with the fact that the alien ship now hung motionless above his own vessel, whilst looking as menacing as ever…