Blacksburg's Least Reliable News Source

02/04/2010

Local Groundhog Dismisses Shadow Forecaster As Hillbilly

On Monday, Feb. 1st, Punxsutawney Phil of Pennsylvania, attracted national media to his annual shadow forecast about winter's longevity. But a local rodent who works at the National Weather Center in Blacksburg wants to change Americans' perceptions about groundhog weather forecasting.

“What a phony that Phil is,” said Dr. Neal Hammond, a disgruntled groundling who works as a climate analyst and computer modeling expert for NOAA at their research park location.

Phil was busy shoveling snow from his hole outside the center’s parking lot…

“I crawl up from this waterlogged hole every morning and trudge to work so I can apply my expertise. I check my charts, I do my calculations, and do I get on TV? Hell, no. That dude is just a rustic imposter.”

Mr. Hammond, did you ever see "Groundhog Day"?

“It's Dr. Hammond! Yeah, I saw it. All the guys in the office kept cracking shadow jokes. And they asked me if I’d ever met Phil before. Like I’d hang with some hillbilly rodent celebrity. I have a Ph.D!”

Sir, why are we getting all this snow in Blacksburg?

Hammond chattered something about the jet stream, cussed all the snow plow drivers covering up his hole, and then waddled to work , just another frustrated fuming feral federal employee.