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I agree, but not even making an attempt to forgive and rebuild trust before completely breaking it off?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Podunk

There have been multiple attempts, what can be done in four days at least. Unfortunately so far, every attempt has been met with the revealing of more lies, withholding and selfishness.

We are also still living together, still talking for hours every day, sharing the emails as veganchick reveals her actions to Paul, Paul's wife, Meghan, everyone involved, and their responses. We are married, own a home together, share parenting of our children, share bank accounts and cars... There is no option of just breaking it off and being done with it.

What I meant was ....they tried with condoms on it didn't work ....got caught up in the moment ...or he took a liberty while someones head was hanging off the bed or looking forward and ....they had unprotected sex ...maybe everyday after that ....no sense in closing the barn once the horse is gone......she knows it was a huge rule violation.....and safety violation on the first time out and instead of coming clean about it ..... because of the possible fallout ....she opts to lie....then it just snowballed from there.

I find myself very curious as to what the reactions of the others involved have been.

Well, veganchick's initial emails were basically candy-coated form letters, which was pretty disappointing to say the least. For some reason she couldn't see the candy-coating and expected a harsh response. Paul and Meghan have replied so far. Both offered the response I would expect based on the email they received and their places in this disaster. It was mostly telling veganchick what a wonderful person she is and how it's all gonna be okay. Really?

After much discussion there have been rewrites and clarifications sent. Additional significant details have been added such as the belittling and laughing at me for believing the lies. It'll be interesting to see what response those get. At least I hope it will be interesting, but I'm prepared for more of the same at this point.

What I meant was ....they tried with condoms on it didn't work ....got caught up in the moment ...or he took a liberty while someones head was hanging off the bed or looking forward and ....they had unprotected sex ...maybe everyday after that ....no sense in closing the barn once the horse is gone......she knows it was a huge rule violation.....and safety violation on the first time out and instead of coming clean about it ..... because of the possible fallout ....she opts to lie....then it just snowballed from there.

Wow, very valid point and a perspective I hadn't even considered. Maybe too much trusting on my part even after all that has happened? I'll try to keep my mind and senses open to all possibilities. Definitely gives me something to think about!

My husband has been dishonest with me about his girlfriend too, so I empathize. It is horrifying to have someone withhold the truth from you, for whatever reason, but especially when you seemed to be someone SHE could trust with the ugly truth! That's where we are right now, too. I am devastated by the lies. So much so, that even some of the people here on the forum have gotten fed up with me on my blog, for my circular rants. I am trying, trying, trying. It's so hard to discern what to believe and what not to believe, and when you have a family depending on the stability of your marriage, well, what can you do? If it weren't for the kids, I doubt I would put up with it for another day. I love Sundance but the lies may destroy us. I am a forgiving person, but there comes a time it is not healthy to accept unacceptable behavior. I am sure I will know if and when I have reached the point of no return, and you will know, in your situation, too.

Polyamory requires radical honesty. Maybe some people are just incapable of that. Which is terribly sad, when it could have been so different. It sounds like you and your wife really had something good up until this incident. Who knows, maybe she will see the light and take the risk of being honest. My husband and i had a great talk last night, and he said some things I might believe, but maybe not, I just don't know. I'm tired of sifting through it all and second guessing everything he says. I don't want this to be the rest of my life, but just for today, I'm trying to remain calm and let things unfold as they may. Truth has a way of coming out on its own, eventually. Hang in there, Po. You're not alone.

Were it me, I wouldn't even bother trying to find out the extent of the lying, nor would I care why it happened.

The single greatest lie I see is the one where she claims to love you. There's no love or respect involved in behavior of that sort.

The notion that anything can be worked out or that you should make an attempt to work it out is so much nonsense. Nobody should tolerate behavior of that sort from anybody else. It is not a virtue to put up with that and try to work things out--it is dysfunctional.

__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.