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Re: Secret BF'ing without DH knowing?

You're a really good friend. There are lots of nice, strong, smart women who end up in abusive relationships. I do not think it is a cultural thing. I think that emotionally abusive relationships are also easier in a way to get trapped into - if someone hits you, that's really obvious. But if they are chipping way at your self esteem over time, that's harder to see. And it could be just that area of her life. Clearly she is not that strong if she can't stand up to her husband on something as basic as feeding her child her own milk.

I really hope she can resolve this issue in a healthy way for her family.

Re: Secret BF'ing without DH knowing?

In terms of the cultural issues, I can only say that breastfeeding rates among African-Americans are very low, the lowest of any ethnic group in the U.S. To that extent, I suppose that her husband and family might perceive BFing to be something unusual and distrust it. While there are a lot of theories about why African-Americans do not breastfeed at the rates of other groups, ultimately no one has a great answer as to why there's such a low rate of initiation and a very sharp drop-off in breastfeeding in that population. http://jn.nutrition.org/content/133/1/305S.full

The cultural component, in the sense that breastfeeding is uncommon in that ethnic group, does not explain or justify the control/abuse issues at play, though.

Re: Secret BF'ing without DH knowing?

I can definitely see how this situation would be made harder for your friend if her family and DH's family and all of her friends together believe that breastfeeding is unusual, impractical, or not as good for your baby, or whatever. That makes it much, much harder to stand up for yourself. I know when my mom was breastfeeding back in the day, she was surrounded by misinformation about breastfeeding that seriously undermined her ability to continue - ideas like scheduling feedings, etc. No one said, "don't breastfeed," but they said "your milk is not rich enough," etc. This poor woman probably feels pretty outnumbered, even if no one is being "abusive" per se.

I would definitely do what you can to show your support of your friend, and also, just let her know that her desire to breastfeed is natural and positive. I think the best thing you can do is listen, and be there for her to talk to.

Last edited by @llli*joe.s.mom; December 9th, 2010 at 04:13 PM.

You can call me JoMo!

Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

Re: Secret BF'ing without DH knowing?

Originally Posted by @llli*manatee

In terms of the cultural issues, I can only say that breastfeeding rates among African-Americans are very low, the lowest of any ethnic group in the U.S. To that extent, I suppose that her husband and family might perceive BFing to be something unusual and distrust it. While there are a lot of theories about why African-Americans do not breastfeed at the rates of other groups, ultimately no one has a great answer as to why there's such a low rate of initiation and a very sharp drop-off in breastfeeding in that population. http://jn.nutrition.org/content/133/1/305S.full

The cultural component, in the sense that breastfeeding is uncommon in that ethnic group, does not explain or justify the control/abuse issues at play, though.

I've seen that around here, where there are a lot of African-Americans. It's just not that common in their culture to the point I'm always kind of surprised when I see an African-American woman NIP versus toting around a bag full of formula and water bottles to make formula.

I've been thinking about this thread all day, wondering what to say, and I don't think I have anything new to add, other than this is a slippery slope and where is she going to let it end? What about other issues that are going to come up, faster than you might think, such as PTing, discipline, education? I hope they can come to a resolution that works for both of them.

Re: Secret BF'ing without DH knowing?

Since I don´t know your friend or her spouse I may be way out of line here (sorry), but from what you are saying, I can imagine 2 scenarios:

One is that he is so controlling, that he may perceive her BF as a threat, something that can empower her (she is feeding her own child with her body, she doesn´t need him). If he´s the type that controls everything she does, from what she eats, wears, her friends, outings, etc., this pattern may start very subtly, and gather force with time (he´s supposed to be the one who knows what´s best for her, she´s too weak/dumb/whatever he imagines to decide than for herself). She can be a strong, smart woman, and still get trapped in an abusive relationship, because abusive partners are extremely perceptive and manipulative, and know how to subtly undermine a woman´s confidence using her insecurities against her. And precisely if she is smart, she may be ashamed of being trapped in such a situation, and therefore a bit in denial. I can´t imagine putting up with such an attitude from my husband, but then again, I don´t think I´ve ever even dated guys like these, they are dangerous in that you may never see it coming.

On the other hand, you mention his mom lives with them, I´m pretty sure she must not have BF him, and if he´s a mama´s boy he may be siding with her (like if you do things differently, you are indirectly saying my mom did something wrong). It could be a mix of both, or anything else..

In any case, I think it´s great that she can count on you. I would just be cautious on how you present your concerns, to avoid her getting defensive and closing up.