Milhouse: Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Learn-and-Touch Reptile Zoo so early?Principal Skinner: Well it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.Otto: It’s not my fault, the drinking fountain dared me to do it.

Colby Kraus: You have what made America great: no understanding of the limits of your power and a complete lack of concern for what anyone thinks of you.

Bart: Dad, you were great!Lisa: And you contributed to our culture.Homer: Oh, I didn’t mean to.Lisa: No no, it’s a good thing.Homer: Oh good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.Lisa: The dance isn’t until next week.Homer: Sorry, Lisa. You can’t change the future.

Midnight Towboy

Homer: Hey, Apu, what happened to all your milk?Apu: I sold it all to teenagers. There is a rumor you can mix milk, mentos and lotto scrapings to make jetpack fuel.Homer: Does it work?Jimbohovering: Kinda.

Lisa: There must be a web site that can help you with a clingy baby.Marge: I don’t want to bother the internet with my problem.

Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?Louie (Matt Dillon): I don’t call in sick. I work when I wanna.Homer: Sometimes you wanna work?

Home rabout the towing business: Wow, you make people miserable and there’s nothing they can do about it! Just like God.

Homer: Man, you work as a silhouette model for one day and it haunts you for the rest of your life.

Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they’re in the Bible.Milhouse: I don’t think Leviticus is a swear.Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!Marge: Bart?Bart: Uh oh {hides Bible}Marge: I’m starting to worry about your father.Bart: Well I know he seems to get dumber every year but lately he’s plateaued.

I Don’t Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

I am not an FDIC-insured bank

Marge: You have to be there! You miss way too many precious moments in the children’s lives.Homer: What? Name twelve.Bart: Well, just this week there’s been field day, picking me up from airport—Lisa: And the father-daughter dance!

Marge: Homer, you can not miss Lisa’s big day. And you have to come sober!Homer: American sober or Irish sober?Marge: .08 sober!Homer: .15!Marge: .09!Homer: .10. With a stomach full of bread. My final offer.Marge: Deal.

Marge: Homer, I’m a hostage in a bank robbery!Homer: What? Oh my god! My sweet Margie! Okay, listen very carefully: don’t do anything they say, remain panicky, and above all try to be a hero.

Dwight (Steve Buscemi): Okay, this isn’t the way I planned it. But you can make it out alive as long as there’s no funny stuff.Krusty: Don’t worry about me. I was voted America’s Least Funny clown. Worse than Scuzzo, Scummo, Oopsie, Carlos Mencia, Stinko, Blumpy… Even worse than Sergeant Serious. How could I do worse than him? I stole all his jokes!

Husbands and Knives

The pilgrims were not illegal aliens

Comic Book Guy: Philip K. Dick, it can’t be! It’s as if Superman moved to Gotham City!Martin: Which he did. In World’s Finest Comics #94. See?Comic Book Guy: That was an imaginary story dreamt by Jimmy Olsen after he was kicked in the head by Supergirls’ horse Comet. It never really happened.Bart: None of these things ever really happened.Comic Book Guy: Get out.

Homer: Why would women want to go to a gym if there were no men there watching them and judging them?

Homer: Hors d’oeuvres, big fancy desserts and my wife is paying for everything. Now I know why pimps are so happy.

Funeral for a Fiend

Bart: What are you doing? Get me out of here. I can’t breathe!Homer: Marge, he’s got to get over his fear of coffins.

Sideshow Bob: Oh, why must I feed him straight lines!

Dr. Robert Terwilliger, Sr. (John Mahoney): East bids two hearts.Gino: Three diamonds.Snake: Three clubs! {he clubs them over the head}Cecil (David Hyde Pierce): The joke’s not funny and the bid’s not sufficient.

Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind

The capital of Montana is not “Hannah”

Homer: Hey boy, do you know where the family is? Show me on MapQuest. {SLH growls} Fine. Google Maps.

Krusty: Gimme one of those Forget Me drinks! I made a mistake I gotta wipe out. I was trying to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but it turned into a Mel Gibson about Mexicans. {takes the shot} Ah! Huh? What the hell am I doing here? I gotta get back to the Latin Grammys.

Homer: Flanders, why did you call the cops last night?Flanders: I had to. I heard a hub-bub, Bub.Homer: What did I do?!?!Flanders: Well, can’t say for sure but as a Christian I assume the worst!

Grampa Simpson: You come to me for help rememberin’? That’s like asking your horse to do your taxes. Which I did back in 1998.

Homer: The mother of my children with the reason for my children!Marge: Stop! Homer, please!Duffman: I’m just giving it to your wife. She is gonna be sore tomorrow.

E Pluribus Wiggum

Teacher did not pay too much for her condo

Homer: Listen carefully: I’ve taken your wife hostage. If you don’t have a wife I have kidnapped your brother. Nod if you understand. Now back away from Burns and I will let your dog live. Good. Now stop and dance like a happy prospector. Happier. Happier. Happier!

Quimby: There there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat.

News Van1: To Springfield!News Van2: Which Springfield?News Van1: The one the Simpsons live in.

Brockman: Are you a registered voter?Moe: I’m a registered… something.

Jon Stewart: Hey Krusty. Haven’t seen you since you bailed on that benefit.Krusty: Yeah, well I didn’t really believe in the cause.Jon Stewart: Well Krusty’s Kids sure missed you.Krusty: Yeah, they’re great. Little clingy.

Jon Stewart: I’ll thank you to keep my zingers out of your mouth. I’m gonna try to remember you the way you used to be.Krusty: But I’ve always been terrible!

Nelsonto the print journalist: Ha ha! Your medium is dying.Principal Skinner: Nelson.Nelson: But it is!Principal Skinner: There’s being right and there’s being nice.

Pollster: Oh my god! This family is undecided. Undecided!

Homer: If you haven’t sprung from or aren’t married to my loins get the hell out of this house. You too, Fred Thompson.Fred Thompson: But I was in Die Hard.Homer: Pfft. Die Hard 2.

Lisa: And Ralph is only eight years old. It says in the Constitution you have to be 35.Bart: The Constitution? I’m pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

That 90s Show

Marge: We wouldn’t be in this trouble if you’d just pay the heating bill.Homer: I thought Global Warming would take care of it. Al Gore can’t do anything right!

Kirk: Luann, a picture of you cheating on me is downloading to my computer. I’ll know who you were cheating on me with in less than six hours. Unless someone picks up the phone.

Comic Book Guy: …and that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.

Homer: Okay, I’ll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs. I’ll take the typewriter, you take the computer. I’ll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock…

Professor August: Good god! The Patriots are deep in Redskin territory! This isn’t entertainment, it’s genocide!

Professor August: Look at that lighthouse. That’s the ultimate expression of phallocentric technocracy violating Mother Sky.Marge: I thought they were just tall so boats could see them.Professor August: No Marge. Everything penis-shaped is bad.

Love, Springfieldian Style

Homer: For the next two hours we’ll be kid-free. It’ll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I’m going to let you in on a deep dark family secret.Bart: You got a drinking problem?Homer: I said “secret.”

Homer: Have you ever wondered what I do in that locked room?Bart: Gay out?Homer: Well wonder no more!Bart: Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Lisa: I’ve gotten better from this morning. How could that have happened?Ballerina: Maybe it’s all the secondhand focus and pep you’re inhaling. They don’t call these dancer sticks for nothing.Lisa: I thought they were cancer sticks.

Papa Don’t Leech

Mayor Quimby: It was a rhetorical question.Lisa: And I used rhetoric in my answer!

Homer: Kids, marriage is like a car. Along the way it has its bumps and dings. And this country can’t make one that lasts more than five years.

Judge: Lurlene, the court orders you to make payments of $100 a week until such time as your music comes back in style or becomes appreciated for its camp value.

Royce Lumpkin: Oh man. I better whiskey up these corn flakes.

Lurlene Lumpkin (Beverly D’Angelo): Oh Daddy, you made me the happiest girl on whichever side of the Mississippi this is!

Apocalypse Cow

A person’s a person no matter how Ralph

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?Homer: That’s right.Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!Homer: Don’t you worry about Wikipedia. We’ll change it when we get home. {menacingly} We’ll change a lot of things.

4-H Farmer: Let’s skip the oath and get you behind the wheel of something you can’t handle.

SPRINGFIELD COUNTY FAIR
Warning: Funhouse may have Christian message

Bart: Mom, they’re going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!

Ned: Look Homer, people don’t come back as anything. Except for our Lord who came back as bread. That’s it.Apu: That’s the thing with your religion. It’s a bummer.Ned: Even the sing-a-longs?Apu: No, the sing-a-longs are okay.