My journey through life, writing and yoga

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What does this mean? Well, it’s simple. Every human being on this god forsaken planet has the potential to be the worst version of themselves; assholes.

Within our homes, our work spaces, on our streets, in our parks/beaches, or even in our cars, we are assholes. It doesn’t even matter to who; relatives, loved ones, friends, or even strangers. The asshole within us does not discriminate. Admit it, that made the asshole within you a little proud. Go ahead and smirk, it’ll soon fade away with guilt. Guilt brought on by social politics. Social politics brought on by shame and a need to immediately justify our actions to anyone or everyone or yes, even to no one around us.

We’re all assholes, so why be ashamed? Social politics were put in place to assure that humans behave the way they’re supposed to and condemned when they don’t. We all act on impulse and our impulses are brought on by our emotions which we’re told are completely normal. Well, unless you’re LGBTQ right? I kid but to be honest even people who are deemed “normal” are shamed into complete repression of their “normal” feelings. Hell, men grow up to be the most emotionally damaged because of the inherent fact that “big boys don’t cry” bullshit. Then we as women march the streets to condemn them for being damaged, though ill admit some had it coming. But, remember my topic sentence; we’re all assholes. And we all justify our actions. The point is, these standards make people feel like they aren’t normal when they are. It doesn’t matter who you are or who you love or what body you’re in, we all are capable of being assholes. We all snap and lose our shit, we all pull back and think to ourselves, “shit…I wish I could take that back..” We all know what shame and guilt feels like. It’s stupid to feel guilty over something that happens to literally every single person on this planet, including the one receiving your current shit.

Guilt, is said to be a great thing. It forces people to better themselves and modify their behavior. Which I encourage, but there is a limit. How can you possibly better yourself if you end up hating yourself? This is where guilt becomes dangerous because there is such a thing as TOO MUCH guilt. The kind of guilt that has you staring at the bottom of a bottle of antidepressants you stole from your mother’s medicine cabinet.

We’re all assholes. So to those who shame others to an extent where they claim to be above it, to be honest, you are the ones who should be contemplating suicide not those you judge. Simply because of how hypocritical you are. Your own noses are so far up your asses you’re practically choking on it. YOU should be ashamed.

I’m not saying we have to be accepting of everyone’s asshole-y actions, but we have to at least accept that we are all the same in that aspect of human behavior. I mean, come on, everyone I know is an asshole, in their own special/beautiful way #mybestfriendisanasshole (this should be trending all day, everyday).

Now, another thing to keep in mind is that everyone’s perception of the asshole within is different, just like every other aspect of human behavior is perceived differently. So no, obviously we aren’t going to like it. Obviously, we’re going to fight with each other relentlessly for the rest of time. We’re humans, argumentatively not the brightest of the primates. I mean, I’d prefer to be a bonobo. Look them up, they’re awesome.

Are some people better at being assholes than others? Well, it depends on what you mean by “better.” Some people are BIGGER assholes than others, while some are “better” at the persona. Does this mean that assholes are also liars? Look, I hate to break it to you but every person on this planet is a liar. And yes, white lies count too. Everyone lies. Deal with it. You don’t have to like it but that’s the way it is.

I will tell you this though, assholes tend to be more honest than people who go out of their way to be “nice” to you. One day the nicest person in your life will turn out to be the one person who’s been talking shit about you behind your back this whole time. Everything an asshole says to your face, you better believe they’ll say it behind your back too. Which in a twisted way, is comforting.

To conclude, stop judging someone for acting like an asshole at times when your inner self knows that you have and will continue to do the same exact shit too. Get over it, and more importantly get over yourself.

I’m a mess. I’m dealing with shit. Constantly betrayed. Used. Abused. I don’t have any real friends, and you know it. I know this cuz you throw it in my face every now and then. I’m grieving. I’m a mess. I’m depressed. I’m in need.

Nothing is ever good enough. Nothing ever gets your attention, enough to put in the work.

Work. Work. Work. For fucks sake. This takes work. But it’s limited. You know this. You don’t care. Selfish. You take and take and take. I keep giving. I know I should stop. I keep giving. You keep taking.

I have nothing left to give. What would be the point anyway? It’s not enough. Nothing I do is enough. You want more. You want something different.

You want obedience. A little girl who will sit silently and nod at your every word. Pathetic. That’s not me. It never will be.

Deal with it.

Work. It takes work. Real work. Not that pathetic part time shit that’s been thrown at me the past year by you. Seriously. Three years down the road and now you pull away and destroy everything? Now you want freedom, that stench of new pussy got you running. Really? That’s all it takes to get you running.

Whatever it is, whatever you want, it isn’t me. But you say it is. You swear it is. You get your shit together for a conversation then it’s back to square one the next day, the first conversation we have of that day, every day, it breaks me.

As a literature student, I always find myself reading and analyzing what I read. I’ve never really had the opportunity to study Portuguese literature, so I’ve been catching up on it. It’s amazing and beautifully written so far.

I’m not reposting all of #Ellen’s recent coming out celebration episode videos just for the hell of it or cuz she’s inspirational, though that’s part of it.

Straight people will never really understand what it’s like to come out. So it’s easy to judge and say shit like “well no one needs to know” but we need you to know. We need those words to come out of our mouths. We need to feel normal.

The first person I told that I’m bisexual to was my older sister. It happened so fast. I was on MySpace on a group I created to help LGBT youths come out and express their frustrations and as I encouraged them to come out I realized I hadn’t. So I looked up, saw Dill, and said “I’m bi.” And she said “ok that’s fine.”

Those words coming out of her mouth, was the base to my courage to come out to others. And from that moment I told any one and everyone in any situation till this day without a single care as to what others might say or who I could lose. I don’t flaunt it but I don’t usually flaunt any part of my personality anyway. I keep shit personal but I do talk about it. I do talk about women or check them out with my friends in public.

I’m bisexual. And no, you don’t have to like it but you do have to accept it, if you plan on staying in my life. If not, feel free to click the “unfriend” button.

I’ll be waking up at 4am every morning before getting ready for work (timing will differ on weekends). Then an hour after work I’ll continue to write my novel and/or work on potential pieces of fiction I’ve been planning over the months.

That way I’ll have time to relax at the end of the day instead of cramming everything in after work.

Negativity is every where. In the air around me. Constantly choking me. I breathe it in and it consumes me.

Stuck here? Not for long. One way or another I will leave this hellish place. I’d just prefer sooner than later.

It bothers me that no matter how much effort I put it, no matter how hard I try, something knocks me flat on my ass again. Like a constant reminder that this life isn’t mine. I don’t control it. I don’t get to decide what’s done with it.

I’m just a vessel.

Cold. But not hollow. I’m bursting with life and possibility. Dreams. I want to be a writer so bad, I’m determined to finish my novel. Crushed that a creative writing program rejected me. They didn’t even give me a chance let alone an explanation.