Coach K Is Shutting Down The Studio Y’all

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, on the mend after back surgery, held a meeting at his house Tuesday night in which he informed players that they were temporarily kicked out of the locker room and also forbidden from wearing Duke apparel. When asked how long the penalties would last, a source close to the program said: Until they start living up to the standards of the Duke program.”

What a power move from Coach K. Come to think of it, he’s been firing off power moves left and right this entire season. He sensed his team was trash, and immediately left for back surgery. That is what’s often referred to as 2 birds, 1 cup stone. Avoid these losses against his all time record, and get his back fixed up. Power move.

Now he’s kicked it up to another level. Talk about sending a message to your team. Banning his team from the locker room. That’s his house baby. You wanna come in? You’re gonna have to earn it. He’s shutting down the studio until Duke walks to Brooklyn to fetch Coach K some sugar cookies. Oh, and all that free shit you like to wear around campus? Give me that too. Coach K just snatched his kid’s chains right off their neck, Aquib Talib style.

As much as I dislike Duke basketball and Coach K, I have no choice but to respect the hell out of this move. It’s so calculated too. If this works, and the team turns it around, Coach K waltzes back looking like a motivational genius. He’ll have the (liberal) media eating out of the palm of his hand. I can hear Dicky V’s voice in my head right now as he screams out mid orgasm, “Coach K! Weeks off a back surgery! Against doctors’ orders! Back in Cameron Indoor Stadium babyyyy!!”

And if it doesn’t work, who cares. He has nothing to lose. This season is already trending toward disappointing. He can just milk his back surgery and take the whole season off. Come back the following year and start fresh. Either way, it’s a win for Coach K, that sick, twisted bastard.