The New Yorker Magazine Describes Chick-fil-A as "Creepily Christian"

There's nothing more frightening than a Christian with a Jesus bumper sticker fish on their Camry. Unless that Christian wants to eat a chicken sandwich. In which case, ring the bell in Time Square. Batten down the hatches and brace for the stampeding heard of people who pray before they eat. Hell hath no fury like a disciple of Christ feeling peckish. Or so The New Yorker would have you believe, as the heathens at Chick-fil-A are advancing on the streets of the Big Apple.

And yet the brand’s arrival here feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism.

Let's stop there, shall we? Pervasive Christian traditionalism. Like Christmas? Easter? Potlucks with family, friends and new neighbors? Or is the pervasive part of Christianity the religion's tendency to do as Jesus commanded, like caring for the poor, the weak, the helpless?

Or is "pervasive Christian tradition" referring specifically to Christianity's tendency to fly planes into buildings, behead infidels, or mutilate the genitals of wee girls?

Oh, shoot. That's Islam. So easy to mistake those two. My bad.

Its headquarters, in Atlanta, is adorned with Bible verses and a statue of Jesus washing a disciple’s feet. Its stores close on Sundays. Its C.E.O., Dan Cathy, has been accused of bigotry for using the company's charitable wing to fund anti-gay causes, including groups that oppose same-sex marriage.

Oh my golden calf monkey. So it's "pervasive" for a Christian business to have Christian symbols like depictions of Christ on its building. Do not tell this writer about churches. Don't let him anywhere near a Catholic church. There's freaking Bible art coming through the windows. Infiltrating one's airspace like dust mites. I guess we should just keep the Lord in Heaven where He belongs. Not on any earthy form.

And what, pray tell, are these "anti-gay" causes (besides believing marriage is between one man and one woman)?

“We’re inviting God’s judgment on our nation,” he once said, “when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.’ ” The company has since reaffirmed its intention to “treat every person with honor, dignity and respect,” but it has quietly continued to donate to anti-L.G.B.T. groups.

Are you still waiting on the "anti-gay" causes? Because it seems like it's just marriage to me. Again, that one man and one woman should become one person (in the eyes of the Lawd Jebus in Heaven) so they might go forth and multiply. Filling the earth with anti-Christian bigots like this New Yorker writer, Dan Piepenbring, losing his absolute cow caca over a Christian-owned food franchise people seem to like.

When the first stand-alone New York location opened, in 2015, a throng of protesters appeared. When a location opened in a Queens mall, in 2016, Mayor Bill de Blasio proposed a boycott. No such controversy greeted the opening of this newest outpost. Chick-fil-A’s success here is a marketing coup. Its expansion raises questions about what we expect from our fast food, and to what extent a corporation can join a community.

I've got an idea for Dan Piepenbring and The New Yorker: do what the rest of us do when we're not pleased with food franchise's ethics: don't go there. A lot of people abstain from purchasing expensive pints of Ben & Jerry's for its socialist leanings. As an example.

No one is forcing Dan Piepenbring to eat at Chick-fil-A. I get it, the chicken-slingers think boy games of hiding the sausage are a sinful no-no in the eyes of our Lawd Jebus. But the idea this one organization is somehow taking out gay people's lives with a magical Gay-to-Straight sniper gun of holy water is asinine. Christians would just prefer to keep the marriage between men and ladies pairing off together as men and ladies. As it was for millennia before the Gaystapo bullied everyone with their feather penis boas.

Here's the long-awaited, but mostly obvious, point: The left cannot stand Christians. You know it. I know it. Dan Piepenbring certainly knows it and isn't' afraid to say so proudly. Yes, this piece appeared in The New Yorker, but its sentiments are shared by leftist publications across the nation. Related: New Lecture at George Washington University Teaches 'Christian Privilege' and How to Combat it. That anyone object to the "morality" as set by the left is an unforgivable sin. In this case, Chick-fil-A running a successful franchise while honoring their Christian religion. Thou shalt not object to the leftist agenda. If thou does, thou shalt be publicly shamed in an attempt to damage your business. Freedom of religion and expression shall not extend to those who believe in a higher power which called for us to forgive and sin no more. Especially if "sinning no more" means not hooking up for penis sword fights and vaginal scissor play. In or out of the "marriage bed."

Sorry for the visual. Truly.

Unless, of course, your preferred religion is Islam. Which frequently flings gay men off rooftops in games of human shotput. Muslims are also free to abstain from baking gay wedding cakes. If I had to guess, if the Chick-fil-A cronies weren't Bible-thumpers but Quran-slappers, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Instead, we'd hear all about how abstaining from pork is Allah's way. Covering a woman's head is godliness and the new feminist cause. Slicing up a girl's clitoris just basic hygiene.