i'll always remember that day when we shared a banana split we drew straws to see who got the thicker half and you won looking back i should have never thrown a tantrum over that even if the straws weren't reglamentary sized you still won and that's all in the past. live and let live

i think what i'll miss about you the most is how you always made me smile with your crazy shenanigans hey remember that night when we went out for a meal under the stars and i got arrested and you posted bail for me those were the sweet days think we could do that one last time?? please..

you know i think i might even turn this into a new book so in a way i'm better off without you because then i'll be even richer and you'll have none of it sure you get to keep the house and the cars and the dog and the friends and my parents always loved you more than they did me but that's fine i have george the imaginary gorilla always behind me he never leaves me alone in the ferris wheel to go behind the popcorn booth with some guy who's not dad

hey um.. so err.. hi. look, i get it. you don't want to do something with me. thats fine. a little heads up would have been nice. i mean, its not like i've been sleeping in the park for a little over a year or anything like that. wrapping myself in the picnic blanket, surviving off of blind geezers who think i'm the fattest pidgeon to ever waddle up to their bench. nope, i certainly didn't spend christmas crying myself to sleep under the starry sky drenched in dog urine because haha yeah look its a bum go on buster do your thing all over that guy awww guess its not poopie time oh well come on buster lets get you into your jammie jams its getting chilly outside whos a good boy why my buster is good boy. needless to say there was no encore for new year's either because come on who's dumb enough to be stood up yet refuse to leave for 3+ months who knows maybe they're just late. oh, my birthday? went fine, thanks for asking. old man sam shared his bagel with me. who's he? just a friend. whoa whoa whoa, whats with the inquisition! we just shared a meal thats all. ah i see. so now you're all interested and whatnot. well your boat has sailed mister. me and sam just rented out the condo next door to the sushi place that got closed down last week because of the rotten asbestos incident or whatever (what a dumb name for a fish right!!). by the way, you are cordially invited to our march wedding. there will be cake served from a picnic basket. please rsvp. thank you.