“As soon as we walked in we were asked to sign in – name (fake), address (San Francisco, CA), phone number (mix of my cell and land line – yes, those do still exist). The man told us we could walk through at our own pace and then he’d give us a two minute spiel at the end. We walked through reading some of the plaques that were ALL about L. Ron Hubbard, the founder. L. Ron Hubbard’s books were sprinkled everywhere. When we got to the back there was a small area with maybe 60 chairs – it creeped me out. I’m not sure why but it reminded me of a funeral home. I felt very out of place and felt that at any moment they could lock us in. After speeding by a few more plaques and pictures of you guessed it – L. Ron Hubbard we came across this ancient looking device. The man from the front came over and said it was a “stress tester” and I immediately volunteered (at this point my date is wondering how fast he can drop me off). I held these silver canisters in my hands and watched this needle.

Scientologist: How’s work is going? A: Fine. Scientologist: What is your boss’ name? A: Erica [Needle was pretty steady.] Scientologist: What’s your Mom’s name? A: Pat [Needle moves up a bit.] Scientologist: What’s your Dad’s name? A: Bob. [Needle jumps.] Scientologist: Ah…there is some tension with your Dad!A: No, in fact, I am closer to him than my Mom. (I do understand why that’s a safe bet – most of my friends have issues with their Dad.)[Scientologist ignores this comment and moves on.] Scientologist: Are you married or dating?A: This guy right here. (I should write a book on what not to do when you just start dating someone.)[Needle moves up a bit.] Scientologist: Well what would you say is causing you the most stress in your life right now? (Reminded me of when Kramer pretended to be the movie phone guy, “Well why don’t you just tell me the name of the movie you want to see?”)A: Um…well things are pretty good. I guess my friend, Ashley, who is really depressed.[Needle jerks and hits the max] Scientologist: Ohhhh, don’t tell me she is taking medication. [Shakes head disapprovingly.]A: Um is that bad? [Flash back to Tom Cruise screaming at Matt Lauer about how terrible anti-depressants are.] (I glance at my date who has a look of sheer terror on his face.)Scientologist: Anti-depressants only mask the problem. It doesn’t solve anything. Come over here.[We reluctantly walk over to the L. Ron Hubbard library where he pulls out two books.] Scientologist: I recommend that you give this book to Ashley and this one you should read.A: Ok well thanks for your time and allowing us to look around. I’ll think about those books.Scientologist: Sure come back anytime. [Date shook hands with Scientologist and asked his name again. Date used his real name. D’OH!]”