The Top 5 Worst Lines of Dialogue (From Movies That Don't Actually Suck)

There is no shortage of movies with truly awful dialogue—ridiculously
wooden, overbearingly pedantic or just plain stupid. But then, these
movies often suck in a multitude of ways. For example, in Road House,
Patrick Swayze' character says "pain don't hurt,"
but that line is no more ridiculous than the acting, the production value
or the part where Swayze rips some dude' throat out of his neck.
Sometimes, however, there is an otherwise decent flick that, in its
effort to be profound, drops a line of dialogue so offensively bad that
it completely taints the overall experience of the film. Here are the
five worst offenders.

#5. Garden State

It' pretty obvious that Zach Braff wrote Garden State's
screenplay for two purposes: (1) as an excuse to roll around with Natalie
Portman; and (2) to prove to Hollywood that a chinless fug-beast can play
roles other than Rain Man.

Braff
makes really only one mistake: believing his audience has suffered a crippling
head injury before watching the movie. Y'ee, this is a movie about
a young man feeling lost and trying to find his way in the world. But,
how does a [we invite you, the reader, to insert your own witty cut-down
descriptor of Braff here] express that on a symbolic level?

The answer is obvious: invent a bizarre pseudo-scientific plot device
that we can't even fully articulate. Let' see… um,
hmm… remember when Zach and company went to that giant New Jersey
crater that was being "explored" by a scientist couple? Yeah,
no one slipped peyote into your Junior Mints; that really happened. Well,
just in case you missed it, that' what folks in the biz call symbolism.
Of course, we're not sure how you could have missed it when Braff
shoved this turd into your ear:

But wait, Braff isn't a crater scientist? What could this mean?
OH! It' LIFE! Life is like an infinite abyss! Because
it' big and rocky and unknown and has two scientists living in
it. You can picture Braff sitting alone in his kitchen, laptop out and
pants off, smiling to himself with self-satisfied delight after penning
that one (before cruising over to Celebrity Sleuth to find some Natalie
Portman whacking fodder).

[subtitle]#4. Star Wars Episode III:
Revenge of the Sith[/subtitle]

Finding the worst line of Lucas dialogue is no small feat. There are
more crappy lines of dialogue in the Star Wars movies than there are Ewoks
on Endor. Still, one exchange rises to the top. In Revenge
of the Sith, we witness Anakin Skywalker become a full-blown baddy.
He' doing the Emperor' bidding, he' turned on his
friends and he' even slaughtered an entire temple of little Jedi
children. Tough stuff.

In this scene, Lucas as screenwriter needs to find an effective why to
convey three elements:

Padme is very surprised by the new evil Anakin;

Anakin has changed; and

Padme is heartbroken.

Let' see what delicate writing Lucas employs to convey these thoughts
and feelings without being too obvious:

ANAKIN
Don't you see, we don't have to run away anymore. I am more powerful
than the Chancellor. I can overthrow him, and together you and I
can rule the galaxy.

ANAKIN
I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against
me. Don't you turn against me.

PADME
I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart.

In Lucas' defense, at the end of Revenge of the Sith,
Padme-as diagnosed by a technologically retarded robot-does
in fact die from a "broken heart." Lucas just couldn't
afford to be too subtle in his wording.

#3. Wall Street

Oliver Stone has a long track record of believing audiences are comprised
of neurologically impaired pre-schoolers, but his offenses are usually
visual. For example, in Platoon, the good guy, Sergeant Elias
dies. How? In a Jesus Christ pose, of course! How else would you know
he was a martyr? And in Nixon, Anthony Hopkins decides to issue
the orders for the bombing of Cambodia while eating a rather rare steak.
He looks down to see... what' this? Good Lord, there'
blood on his hands! What could that mean?

Wall
Street, however, forgoes visual bludgeoning for a verbal shellacking.
You see, Charlie Sheen (Bud) can't figure out if he' a good-hearted
working man like his pop, Martin Sheen, or a greedy, self-centered businessman
like his boss, Michael Douglas. (Because, really, are there any other
choices?)

But how to display that conflict? Now remember, this is New York City
so, unfortunately, there aren't any giant New Jersey-style craters
to explore. How to let the audience in on Charlie' internal conflict?
Oh! Here' an idea! Maybe Charlie could look out over the New York
City skyline and ask the audience-I mean, ask himself-"Who
am I?" Check out the script:

EXT. BUD'S CONDO - TERRACE -
NIGHT

Bud walks out alone in his blue
bathrobe on his parapet overlooking Central Park. The wind stirs his hair.
The East and West sides of the park wrap the city in a diamond necklace
of brilliant light.

Bud stares down at the world.
He has it all now. The money. The girl. The magic palace apartment. What
more is there? Something...because Bud suddenly throws a wrenching dislocated
look into himself that makes us wonder as he brushes his hand across his
face and mutters to himself.

BUD
Who am I?

You can almost picture Oliver Stone sitting on the edge of your bed,
explaining this scene to you in the smallest words possible.

#2. Mystic River

Yeah, that' right, you heard us: Mystic River. Oh, but
how could that be? It' won awards and stuff! Of course it'
won awards. When' the last time they gave Oscars to a movie that
wasn't understood by everyone?

Don't
get us wrong. It' not that it' a terrible movie. Actually,
it' pretty good story that follows the lives of three boyhood friends
and examines the ramifications of child molestation. In the opening scene,
a pedophile posing as a police officer tricks one of the friends, Dave,
into his car. After being abused, Dave escapes, but the damage is done.
Dave never recovers emotionally, Jimmy becomes a mobster and Sean becomes
a cop with attachment issues. Do you know how we know? Because we watched
the movie. But luckily, Director Clint Eastwood wanted people to understand
the whole flick even if they walked in during the last three minutes.
Perhaps Oliver Stone was in the audience. Take it away, Sean:

SEAN
Y'know, sometimes I think all three of us got in that car.
And all this is just a dream, y'know?

JIMMY
Dream, sure.

SEAN
In reality, we're still 11-year-old boys locked in a cellar
imagining what our lives would be if we'd escaped.

#1. Blade Runner

This one needs a little proviso because all of this movie' terrible
dialogue is confined to the narration, and director Ridley Scott removed
all that narration from his director' cut. Still, it' so
bad you can still hear it taunting you-refusing to let Blade
Runner be the otherwise great flick it is. Nevertheless, this entry
goes to the top of the list because it' more than pedantic and
wooden and silly; it' just wrong. This might be the only time in
movie history when the narration made the movie less clear. When whoever
wrote the dialogue just didn't appear to be paying attention to
the rest of the movie.

If you recall, Blade Runner is about superhuman robots, or replicants,
who are angry about their finite life expectancies. Harrison Ford (Deckard)
has been tasked with bringing the rogue replicants to justice. In the
movie' climax, Deckard is involved in a fight to the death with
replicant Rutger Hauer (Roy). Quite unexpectedly, Roy saves Deckard'
life in a transcendently memorable scene:

Really quite something. One of our favorite scenes of all time, really.
Then comes the narration (in some versions of the film. In others it's
mercifully absent):

DECKARD
I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he
loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life, anybody's
life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of
us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have
I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die.

Uh,
excuse me, Deckard? Wrong! Roy didn't suddenly become a good guy
and realize that all life is precious. Were you even listening? Are you
telling us Roy spilled his dying words to the wrong jackass? Listen up.
Roy saved your life so you could remember him. He feared what everyone
fears about mortality: being forgotten. He saved your life so he could
share a bit of his favorite memories before dying. So he could live on
in a way. And he told you this. And guess what? You totally fucked
it up. Totally.