Another year where I felt like I almost went off the rails completely. Another downward turn where just for a while I thought my broken pieces couldn't possible take any more pain and darkness was going to win. Another year where for a while I questioned the solidity of my mental health and how to put together I really am. And then again, as I always seem to do, I came out of the other side. Sometimes I wonder goodness only knows how.

I started 2017 (click to open) with high hopes that it was going to be the year for conscious healing, a new era and chapter for our family. The year of accepting and making my peace with no more babies, no girls. Only it is another year where that hasn't happened. In an entire year I still haven't found the courage to 'blog that out' and if anything events led to me spiralling and not at all coping with our reality again. Even further from ready to blog it out.

But if I'm going to finish 2017 honestly, I need to be honest. And my blog, this space, has always been my way of dealing with the big stuff. I probably should be telling my family this before I tell my blog and its readers, but we'll deal with that later. You see, if 2017 had been different, this week there would have more than likely been a new little Morgan baby. If 2017 had been different I would've been 36 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day and if that baby hadn't needed to be delivered even earlier than Lucas I reckon it would've been a 27th December kind of baby.

But that baby, who should never have existed given Jon's snip in mid-March, somehow came to be and then didn't. So there is a lesson right there, when they tell you you're still going to be fertile for up to 16 weeks following a vasectomy there is every chance you will be. And we were less than careful after the magic number of 'goes' he was told. I reckon I caught in the last few days of April.

So that was a hell of a week right there back in May half-term. If I'm honest I had known for about two weeks before I tested. I had had weird spotting and I just knew. You're not pregnant four times before without knowing. And then by the end of those two weeks, feeling slightly off, slightly queasy, and still just knowing I continued to bury my head in the sand. Then got drunk at my best friends engagement party and thought a few days after that I had better do a test. Tuesday. A positive test.

The unhappiest of positive tests. Jon FREAKED completely (I wasn't much better). Not because he thought for a minute I had been unfaithful but because he was terrified. Terrified it would kill me and the baby. Lucas only just 10 months old, Lucas my third section, nowhere near healed from it and in no fit state to even carry another baby. I was terrified too figured the advice from the consultant would be a termination and that was certainly what Jon wanted. We fell out, majorly. Because there is no way on earth I could ever have made that decision or lived with it.

Wednesday. I rang my consultant in hysterical floods of tears. Who calmed me down. Told me it was by no means ideal but that I wasn't her first and wouldn't be her last lady to find themselves in this position and she would put together a very careful plan. It wasn't as dire as I had wound myself to feel. So between Wednesday and Friday I started to calm down a little. Shell-shocked but not hysterical anymore, started to wonder how on earth we would cope with such a small age gap.

Then Friday I started bleeding. Really bleeding and I knew it was game over. Wondering if I had imagined it and was it even real in the first place. In all the periods I've had and the post-partum bleeding I've had I've never encountered anything like this. It was all and flooding or nothing. The tail end of the bleeding went on all month. And of course by now it was June. I started to miscarry on the 2nd of June. Why June? Why? Of all the months in the year. All of the week long fight with Jon for nothing apart from this photo. Miscarried. Compounded by the Monday news I was having a niece. May half term was an excruciating week that I didn't know how to cope with, but somehow carried on as if nothing was happening, complete with guests and day trips. I've absolutely no idea now, how.

My usual June grief took over. I reminded myself that this miscarriage wasn't the worst thing I had gone through. And it may be offensive to some but it wasn't. I was shell-shocked in a whirlwind of confirming what I had already known and then it being all over before I had got my head around it, but it wasn't the worst thing I had lived through. I convinced myself it must've been a girl because I'm so unworthy of one. My desperate pain for the daughter I knew and had took grip as raw as it had the day she died. It all got a bit confusing. Then July, as it always seems to do, but especially with Luc's first birthday, sorted me out.

Now I'm fairly sure what really happened is my surgically damaged uterus just wasn't up it. Which is hardly surprising after section three and only 9/10 months past it. The surgically damaged uterus and surrounding area which still causes daily pain now we're 17 months past it and waiting to see gynae.

Then it was September before it all really hit. I think I went back into denial. Jon by now had been given his 'sperm count all clear' and that was when it really started to hit. There was a baby, then there wasn't, there will be no more babies, which is absolutely the right decision but. Always a but. Still not ready to accept my only daughter being dead. And by then really not coping with the build up to the impending new girl in our family. September and October was turbulent. I felt ill. In a way I cannot really describe (Click to open). But of course, the build up, my fragile insides made it all worse than it was in reality. Deep breaths, getting by with a little help from my friends and a courage from somewhere I don't know.

And now, at the end of 2017 this entire part of the year just feel surreal. Did this actually happen. Another year of the could've beens if events had panned out so differently. So there, I've now been honest and blogged the year out.

But all that being said. I've continued with my photo a day this year and making a note of all the SUPER SEVENTEEN things that have happened too. And there are many. I love looking back on them, scrolling through the months to find their highlights. What wonderful little boys I get to keep; the three of them are marvellous in every sense of the word and continue to save me from my very worst. This years best of nine includes Belle's birthday balloon release, water fights in the garden, walking in the forest, Belle's Christmas, our 'going to Spain' photo, Luc turning one, his dedication and me meeting Prince Charles. I'm sure my facebook best in nine would look different but I'm thrilled so much of Belle still shines through on the grid seven and a half years after she was born.

January

1st - The boys new bookcase

2nd - Big and Small go to the cinema with Daddy so Little and Me go shopping and he has his first ride in the big boy buggy mode.

3rd - Simon and Jon fix he buggy hood after Mamas and Papas basically wrote off a repair!

4th - Playroom labels

5th - Nana "Zac why don't you sit next to Bampi, I thought he was your best friend". Zac "No, Mummy is my best friend"

8th - Xander, after seeing a factory with a big chimney and white smoke coming out... "Is that where the clouds come from."

9th - Zac's first day at school nursery.

10th - Playing pirate hiding and finding treasure with Zachy.

11th - Luc starting to sit up.

12th - Sorreya and Keith getting engaged!

13th - The tiniest smattering for snow but both boys excited anyway. Zachy, never seeing snow before said it was Elsa snow and wanted to build a snowman.

14th - Sorreya's 30th night out.

14th - Zac crying when I left for the night out and when I asked why he cried he said "because I lost you Mummy"

16th - Xander's nomination assembly and being able to share why we are proud of him at home. A brilliant and thoughtful big brother.

19th - Lucas 6 months old

19th - Family Thursday with Zac at school, making a rhino face.

21st - Photos with Sorelle

21st - Luc's first taste of food.

22nd - Family bedtime story time.

25th - Jon's little romantic St Dwynwen's day gift.

25th - Luc rolling properly front to back.

30th - Nursery ready - Luc moves into his bedroom.

February

2nd - Family Thursday in nursery with Zac.

3rd - first post baby Luc date night at Stuffed Dormouse.

4th - Luc rolling back to front.

11th - Lucas's first tooth.

13th - A little trip to the park and Luc's first go on the swings.

13th - Luc looking towards you when you call his name.

14th - New early birthday boots, new early birthday hair and an M&S two can dine steak dinner.

15th - Stay and play with Xander at school.

16th - Family Thursday with Zac at school. He was so confident and proud sharing his special box (animal habitat - Jungle)

18th - Cousin wedding fun!

20th - Train to Cardiff

21st - Lego Batman Day

24th - Meeting Prince Charles

26th - Xander seeing Zac's name written in full and asking what it says. Then telling us we are wrong because 'c' and a 'h' together make a 'ch' sound not a 'c' sound.

March

1st - Dressing boys up for St David's

2nd - Dressing boys up for World Book Day. Zac being particularly happy about being 'Room on the Broom'

One hundred and fifty six memories of note recorded this year. No doubt many more moments missing and forgotten. A year of numerous firsts for Lucas and many for the other boys too, watching them all grow another year older, starting the year still on maternity leave, incredibly apprehensive about returning but finally enjoying going to work again, being honoured to be asked to share in my special friends wedding and all of the build up plans, enjoying a year with many holidays and day trips and making memories with our family.

And although it is impossible to really choose the one moment that is my favourite of the entire year, I'm going to choose Christmas Day. Because despite the parts of 2017 that really hurt, Christmas was peaceful, slow, quiet. The boys took most of the day to finish opening their presents and didn't even get dressed and I even managed a sofa doze when the baby has his nap. This year it was absolutely just right. It has taken many years but we really have cracked it now. A plan that is really working for us. Belle on Christmas Eve and just us for Christmas Day. Shutting the world out for most of the day and allowing ourselves to just be.

And that is my goal for 2018. The Morgan's are going to allow ourselves to just be.