London — Hard on the furry heels of the recent
discovery of the remains of a race of 'Hobbits', a group styling themselves
the 'Farthingstone Four', have issued proceedings in the High Court for
£200 Million in damages against the Tolkien Estate and NewLaid Cinema
of New Zealand — the makers of the popular 'Lord of the Rings' films
and novelty pipe-smoking midgets

The undersized plaintiffs, who claim to be the
direct descendants of the miniature mushroom eating hominids discovered
in a cave in Indonesia by US Special Forces searching for Osama Bin
Laden, have caused a storm of protest by their allegations that far
from inventing the fictional world of Middle Earth, Professor Tolkien
stole the ideas that have spawned a multi-million dollar industry from
a family of real 'Hobbits' living quietly in southern England.

If the claims of the 'Farthingstone Four' are upheld
by the High Court, it could result in the biggest law suit in legal
history. As we went to press, lawyers on both sides of the Atlantic
were girding their loins for a litigious feeding frenzy which could
bankrupt Hollywood's major studios and force the wealthy Tolkien family,
who have made millions from their illustrious relative's creation, to
get proper jobs.

Utterpants
caught up with Odo Bolger-Baggins, the garrulous leader of the Farthingstone
Four — a 52-year-old unemployed fox hunter — at
his 'Hobbit' shaped bungalow in Penge, and asked him why anyone should
take his claims seriously.
"Because we're bleedin' 'obbits', that's why!" he retorted
defensively.
"But we understood that Hobbits were furry midgets, less than four
feet in height?" we pointed out. "You're over five feet tall
and must weigh 140 pounds. How do you account for the discrepancy?"
"Balrogs!" bristled the corpulent 'Hobbit."
"We beg your pardon?"
"Balrogs," he repeated. "In them days Balrogs kept us
undersized and undernourished on account of the fear and terror the
winged, fire-breathing demons inspired in our ancestors. There aint
no Balrogs no more, leastways not in Penge, so we've grown a bit taller,
like, over the centuries."
"I'll say," we replied. "And filled out a bit too, by
the size of your paunch."
"That'll be the fried taters, like as not," retorted Mr Bolger-Baggins
proudly.

"So your claim to be descended from these Indonesian midgets appears
to rest solely on your name and the fact that you smoke a pipe and eat
a lot of mushrooms and chips?" we asked.
"It's true that we does eats a mighty lot o' mushrooms and smokes
a barrel o' pipeweed."
But surely half the population of Penge eat mushrooms and smoke pipe
tobacco?" we objected.
"That's as may be," retorted the 'Hobbit' smugly, "But
they don't be 'avin' hair growing on their feets, does they?"
We confess that the magnificently furry appendages which the 'Hobbit'
then exposed to our reporter's startled gaze leant considerable weight
to his claims. Claims which he backed up by showing us his ears which
were — not to put too fine a point on it — ridiculously
long and pointed.

“This is a spectacular development," commented one anonymous
movie mogul. "You could say it’s the most important Tolkien
related discovery ever. What’s even more amazing is that Mr Odo
Bolger-Baggins has relatives in New Zealand. If I were Peter Jackson,
I'd start liquidating my assets."

"The finding of what we have provisionally called 'Homo
Tolkiensis' in England suggests that there may well be
more mythological species to be discovered in other parts of the world,"
enthused Dr Hugo Bracegirdle, associate professor in archaeology at
Oxford University. "Indeed, I received some dried leaves from a
lady in Windsor only the other day which may well prove to be from the
famous 'Mallorn tree' immortalised in 'The Lord of the Rings' and
hitherto thought to be pure fiction."

He may well be right. The controversial claims of the Farthingstone
Four have prompted a frenzy of litigation by people claiming
to be descended from races thought to have been invented by fantasy
writers. Kerri Shaughnessy, a twenty-three-year-old hairdresser from
Purley, has issued proceedings against J K Rowling — the author
of the Harry Potter books. Kerri claims Rowling based the idea of the
'Veela'— a mythical race of beautiful young nymphs with long,
flowing hair — on her, and is suing the reclusive millionairess
for £10 million. Not to be outdone, twenty-eight schoolboys from
Ohio have filed a suit against Steven Spielberg, claiming they are directly
descended from time-travelling robots.

"Hollywood deserve to get taken the cleaners over this,"
commented a leading barrister we couldn't afford to consult, but who
agreed to let us listen to him shouting down the telephone to his American
client.
"Why's that?" we asked.
"Anybody who's taken in by a bloke who's had hair grafted onto
his feet and stuck a couple of novelty ears onto his head is clearly
a few frames short of the full reel."