Kasich Being Kasich

Governor’s real persona is more offensive than his political one

Ohio
Gov. John Kasich yesterday delivered his second “State of the
State” speech, a reportedly hilarious mockery of political tradition
that ranged from harmlessly wacky to straight-up sexist, while making
a pit stop in the “Parkinson’s disease is funny” category.

Kasich’s
apparent intention was to announce a new broadband plan, introduce an
award honoring courageous Ohioans and try to say that his plans for
shale drilling in the Northeastern part of the state are totally
going to respect the environment.

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Remember last January when he called
a police officer an “idiot” in a speech for giving him a speeding
ticket? Or when he mocked Ohio’s drivers license for being pink
(PINK IS SO GAY!)? Or that time he told a group of business owners
that he wanted to make Ohio cool because the executives at LexisNexis
said all their employees would rather live on the coasts instead of
sucky-ass Ohio?

Apparently
a second year in office has given Kasich the confidence to step up
his game when it comes to acting like a teenager in a 59-year-old’s
body (or maybe it’s an angry, out-of-touch 80-year-old mind inside
his 59-year-old head). Either way, if yesterday’s speech is an
indication of what’s to come this year, there are going to be some
really great leadership methods enacted by this dude this year.

Further
highlights from Tuesday’s speech, which was reportedly not written
ahead of time and neglected to use a teleprompter (surprise!),
included Kasich telling an emotional story about two women he had
just honored with a courage award and then saying to them them: "We
don't want to see those on eBay, ladies."

Kasich
stated that he “never looked back” from politics, which is funny
because he often blatantly acts like a 15-year-old asshole rather
than a respectable politician (and because HE IS CURRENTLY A
POLITICIAN). He also called people in California “wackadoodles”
(a common term among 15-year-old home-schooled kids).

At
one point Kasich reportedly teared up while talking about how Ohio
needs to stop human trafficking (“We don’t want to see you in
slavery, ladies?”)

The
Enquirer
also noted that Kasich imitated someone with Parkinson’s disease
while referencing a deep brain massage — yet another instance of
what The
Enquirer
reporter described as “typical Kasich.”

As
typical as this speech was, it will never stand up to the hilarity
behind this speech Kasich gave to a group of boring old businessmen
on how he plans to make Ohio cool by giving tax breaks to companies
like American Greetings. Ha.