Monday, March 5

That was a foolish thing to do Dan! That's what I uttered when I got the news about my close friend's shocking Suicide few years back. Initially I was shocked beyond belief that such a smart and much loved guy would do such a foolish thing. I was extremely angry at him and was so very upset that he chose death instead of life, a life that had so much going for him. Whatever reasons I heard that he had for choosing death sounded like foolish excuses to me back then, and I felt he really could have done better than that. Apparently he was suffering from severe depression, and I had no clue he was going through it 'cos he was not in Aus at the time. He had just moved to NZ to be with his parents. But he did ring me from there few weeks before his death, and to me he sounded cheerful and normal. Nothing seemed out of place.

It took me alot of time to come to terms with his sudden death (it has affected me for life in many ways) but one good thing that came out of it was that I learnt hard facts about 'Depression'. I was thinking back then that depression was just a state of mind that anyone could easily overcome if they took time. I had many questions such as 'what's this depression everyone was talking about?', 'how could few depressed thoughts lead to such a violent act upon self?', 'Isn't there medicine for this that you could buy from a chemist?', 'why couldnt' he use his common sense?', 'where did all the hard work and studies go?', 'how can strong, smart and happy people get affected by something so small?'....yes all sorts of questions popped in my head and that's when I set out on this journey...my journey to find out what 'Depression' really was. And Dan was the reason behind that journey. And how wrong I was about Depression and the people who were affected by it.

I researched alot on it 'cos I wanted to understand the reason behind Dan's lethal decision. We may not agree with each other but I needed to know what lead such a smart guy to take such a drastic step. My research through the net, books, suicide-victims' stories etc helped me to understand his battle, his final days and his very final decision. I now understand why someone would commit suicide and I will never call it a foolish act again. Cos I have no right to say so. I can never be in that person's shoes so let's not sit and judge.

First of all, depression is not what you and I may think it is...it is not the usual stresses and worries we have that sometimes make us feel as if life is a terrible bitch. It's rather a medical condition and not just something a person can 'think clearly' and get out of. Here's a medical definiton of it : A depressive disorder is an illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood.It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression. So my initial thoughts about my friend were very wrong and that's because of lack of knowledge. Because Depression involves the brain's Serotonin levels, it's not something the patient can easily take care of by him/herself. It needs immediate attention but one of the major drawbacks is that the patient doesn't show he/she is depressed. They will still function as everything is normal though deep down they are suffering grave mental torture.Hence, family and friends won't be able to notice great many changes in the patient's general disposition. So when severe depression sometimes leads to sudden suicide, most of family and friends are totally shocked and brand the patient as selfish, cowardly, mentaly-ill, foolish etc. They are entitled to feel that way 'cos they lack knowledge of it, just like I once was. But once you get to know what it is, you will realise that not all of us can be in someone else's shoes totally and not all of us are born with the ability to fight back even the smallest form of depression. It's all programmed in your brain and what it needs is a trigger to set it off. A serious loss, difficult relationship, financial problem, or any stressful (unwelcome or even desired) change in life patterns can trigger a depression.It was stated that very often, a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is involved in the onset of a depressive disorder and how you deal with it. While some get cured with the help of counselling and treatent, some just don't, and go into severe depression that can lead to suicide (sudden or after many attempts over time). The least you could do is judge or even compare someone affected by such a difficult condition that they don't have any control of. If they did, would they choose to die? I don't think it's that they want to die, it's just that they want to end the pain and don't know how else to end it - simply 'cos the huge drop in seretonin levels leads them to suicidal thoughts. It's a medical problem, we can't demand these people to be logical.

Check this info on Depression and enlighten yourselves about the illness, it's symptoms and how to get help etc. Anyone can be suffering from it regardless of age, sex, education, color, status, health etc.If you think someone is suffering from it, see that you do something about it than leaving him/her to deal with it alone. And if you think you are suffering from it, please talk to someone soon and get help.Dan never told anyone about what he was going through. On his last day on Earth, he went out for a walk with his sister. Then he asked her to stay in the park for a short while until he goes to the shops and comes back. Off he went to the railway tracks and jumped in front of an express train. Yeah just like that. Dan was an IT professional here in Aus. He was Uni-educated and came from a very good family. An extremely fun-loving and sensitive guy. I have been to so many parties and functions with him. He never let me be - always teased me with this and that, and one day I even cried cos of his teasing LOL! No one ever thought that few problems with his former employer could lead him to a dark hole and then an untimely death at just 24. If only I had known what he was going through, I'd have been there for him. But he never told me anything at all cos he's the type of guy who wouldn't wanna show that he's battling something quite difficult. He always portrayed a happy and cool self, and in control. But I guess he didn't realise that it's ok to fall sometimes...that it's ok to confide your fears with a dear one...that it may have saved his precious life and alot of tears. I miss Dan's calls. I miss Dan's chatter. I miss Dan. And if Dan came to Earth for just few mins, I could now confidently tell him that I have learnt everything about what he was dealing with, his demons, his fears and his final decision that took him away from all of us. And that Im not angry with him at all and that I understand him...totally.

This post was not intended to portray that suicide is justifiable. This was to educate people about Depression and it's silent toll. See beyond what the naked eye can see and reach out to someone who may be at the jaws of depression and death. If someone you know committed suicide, don't be angry at him/her...just pray for the soul, perhaps a soul set free of immense mental agony that you may never really understand? Be there for them when they might need you, but don't criticise them when they are no more.

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Cranium Signets:

Oh yeah...I know how it feels when you hear such a tragic news about ur friends suicide...

One of ma close colleague from college, with whom I worked for like 4yrs..an extremely jovial person I eva came across...commited suicide...and when someone pointed me about her death in the local newspaper...I just couldnt belive it....

Media said, it was coz she was not getting any onsite oppurtunities n shit like that...but we friends knew that she was going thru depresssion...infact thts wht I believed...but then I Came to know that she was suffering from schizophrenia.

I still can feel the loss of a good friend....only if there was a way for this to not happen.

Actually I am drafting a post on Dementia and I chanced upon your blog.Good write-up and very informative!Untreated depression leads to Dementia in the elderly and post-partum blues also becomes permanant if left untreated.Depression is common among kids these days and schools shd keep couselling part of their time-table.Hmm Sugar-craving (the brain demands sugar when there is a fall in serotonin levels) and insomnia are two factors to watch out for..early detection can completely cure depression.I am extremely sorry abt ur friend!Good post !

I feel so sorry for Dan. Sometimes it's not for want for wanting to talk to someone, but for want of someone willing to listen.Remember poppy-doll pearl, if you need someone to talk to, I'll be there. Here and at my blog (although replies could be delayed).

if there is sumthing i need to confess about, that would be my thoughts of suicide and the depression i am in now. like Dan, i seem to be okie, cheerful. but thats not the case inside. like u said, u got to be in his shoes to understand what he went thru n wht pushed him to take his own life.

im reading a book on depression at the moment. and i can't help but to think how the author could have written my exact feelings right now. as i read further, i hope she would gv a solution for wht i am facing now. i sound dependent nah?

i find it so hard to relate to anyone. its like everyone is around u and they r trying to comfort u. u can c them but u can't hear them. its like having a 10 metre wall blocking u and the rest of the world. u r alone.

its like u have reached an edge of a hill. either u take the plunge or run away to safety. but my legs aren't moving. stuck there waiting for my brain to instruct it. the funny thing is my brain is refusing to think. its blank.

may be all i need is a spank on my butt and sumone to say "idiot, come back here!!"

depression is a serious problem: although sometimes other menbtal illnesses/disorders like schizophrenia or alzheimer's/dementia may get more media exposure, i feel that depression is increasingly become more prevalent & more of an issue to be addressed by society as a whole.

i have an old friend whose wife likewise killed herself a couple of years ago (fortunately they had no kids). it is so hard for most of us to comprehend but evidently it seems the only escape route for some people.

i don't know what else to say, except maybe we should all just not expect so much from life & ourselves, and just appreciate little moments & try to simle more [?]. easier said than done, i know ...

I agree with you Miss Keshi. I do not judge those who have committed suicide or those who have attempted. Not only are they labeled foolish but selfish.We don't know what is going on in someone's mind or even what is 'not' going on. We don't know the torture in someones's soul.We do not know if they have a mental disorder and/or drug/alcohol addiction.We simply do not know!!!I, too, am not justifing or excusing someone committing suicide or attempting.I just know that there is so much more to their story that we have no clue about.For example, there is so much to me. Yet I do not share all. There is no one on this earth that knows what all is in my mind, in my soul, there is no one who completely knows me (except God). So I can't help but think about others........there is so much unknown.

Good for you for sharing your knowledge on depression.Maybe it will save a life!!!!!

So very many people battle depression, and if they don't get help it can make one so desperate, they can take their own life, like your friend did!So very sad that you lost your friend to suicide...I am so sorry Keshi!I had an aunt who suffered with depression almost her whole life, but she got help so that her life could be bearable!Thanks for the enlightening post Keshi..it might just help one who needs help!You are a very nice girl, and care a lot about others!Hugs to you!

nice post...sorry for Dan...but its true that you cannot judge what the other person is going through unless he/she speaks to you...people say crying is a sign of weakness, but these signs can many a times save lives...

With depression laid out in the thoughtful way you have, I think it is pretty fair to say that talking with someone is not going to cut it. Professional help and perhaps medicine would be the way to sort it. Still, I think there are many suicides that are not for any other reason than for taking the 'easy' way out of a problem and those people really annoy me.

Keshi: Depression is an excuse to escape all commitments and responsibilities.

Why people get depressed? They are unable to copeup and need support within family and friends. If they close their doors and remain alone, it's a sign of depression which can make them think more and more and lead to such drastic steps.

Hello Keshi ... your post is the most concise and informative that I have ever read. You get rid of the medical terms and tell it in plain language.

I suffer from severe major depression, otherwise know as clinical depression. I have had depression for 36 or 38 years but was never affected by it until last year when I collapsed and spent time in the hospital, in therapy and medicated.

I was this close (holding my finger and thumb 1mm apart)to committing suicide from early autumn 05 until spring 06. My reasons were that I was always wrong, always the reason for failure, could only see darkness on every side of me, I would spend entire days crying. The thought of death never more than a heartbeat away. The sum total of the reasons listed was that suicide was the only solution that would give me peace and fix things.Fortunately I was diagnosed by an excellent psychiatrist who hit the right medication cocktail from the start and while that takes away the blackness, it doesn't leave you with a lot of highs either. Some days you exist in a zombie-like fog.You do get people who will no longer want to be with you or talk to you because mental health issues are not understood by the majority of the population. It's too bad that the term mental illness was used to describe what we suffer from. It is a medical condition like diabetes ... not enough insulin, not enough seratonin, norepinephrine or dopamine. It's no different but it is regarded as something totally different, something to be afraid of because people with mental illness might flip out and attack me.

Thank you so much for writing this and showing at least some people that we are not bad or misunderstood people. We just have a chemical imbalance in the brain. We are pretty regular people who like to be hugged.

Sorry about your friend. I know the loss when a person takes their own life.

Your inital reaction was normal.

No one knows what is happening in someone's mind.

If a person is always down, from suffering depression, one major sign he/she is on the brink of committing suicide is that they will suddenly be happy.

This is a sign they have chosen a time to go through with it.

Remember though, the person is sick; he/she is not choosing to kill themselves.

There was nothing you could do for your friend.

You researched mainly the medical side of this disorder. Everything you said is on.

Oddly, some of the drugs given to help with depression can have suicide as a side effect. I am not trying to be funny.

You dealt with chemical imbalances in the brain. However, bi-polar has more to with the brain's electrical impulses than chemical imbalance. Bi-polar can cause suicide.

You mentioned genetics. This plays a very major role in mental disorders. These disorders can be passed through generations.

Your wise advice is right on the money.

I'm not sure if you have hotlines where you live which you can phone to get help if you are feeling very down and/or suicidal. If you phone, they will send help or call someone to get you. If the only thing you can remember is your emergency number (911 here) phone it.

Tough subject to start a week. But, with all who read your blog, you may save a life.

If only Dan remains in Aus still, you might just be able to see the tell-tale signs.

Unknowingly to my friends, I am always on a 'look-out' whenever I know my friends are heading into depression.

My gf, single mom of two girls of which one is handicapped confided in me oneday that she wanted to suffocate her daughter and jump down from her apartment. MY heart was aching and talk to her all the time and I'm glad she is out of her depression and back on track again.

Thank you for raising the awareness sweetie, we all needed it sometimes.

What do i say...sorry abt ur friend...As far as my thoughts on this subject, well....Sadness, Loneliness, Anger, Rejection, Betrayal, these things cant put me down, they hv only made me more stronger than before. Its good that i dont hv an intelligent brain like saby or else instead of slashing my wrist, i wud hv pumped a bullet from my own pistol in my head long back. Its far better living like a bloke than trying to be an einstein.

Great informative post Keshi, none of us are immune from this disease and unfortunately, there aren't enough phyciatrists & therapists to go around because it is so epidemic, to the point where family doctors have to be more involved.

i have always thought that people who commit suicide are "cowards". im sorry, its not that i think that whatever they're suffering is not HORRIBLE. oh im sure if something worse that i cant even bare to imagine, but to take ure life and GIVE UP LIKE THAT.. no no no no..

if its something horrible, deal with it, i know its easier said than done. but the whole point is if you deal with it now, or for a year or two or even five. then you'll have the REST OF IT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. when my best friend talked about committing suicide, i was PISSED OFF. its like if you care soo little about your life, fine, why did you get all the people around you soo attached?

ive known someone who attempted to kill herself and i almost lost respect for her, because what she put her family and closest friends through. i think you should be BRAVE, if not for your self then for your family and friends.

you cant quit life, you can quit a job and u'll find another one. u can quit alot of things, but you just cant QUIT LIFE, cause thats it, you dont get another chance after that. THATS IT.

There is a huge debate about whether depression is a medical condition or not.. It doesnt matter.. I wish people had the confidence to reach out and talk to someone without thinking they might be judged for it.. so many problems become easier if you can just tell someone.. somehow the mind tends to build them up to be large demons and once u tell someone u realize that its not so bad u can handle it...It is unfathomable to think how bad life got for them, that they chose death instead...that there appeared to be no hope...I am so sorry for your friend keshi..

z000nie Im very sorry abt tur friend. I'm glad u knew of her depression and that u didnt judge her in any other way.

yeah ppl r ashamed or r afraid to get help. cos alot of ppl who dunno wut depression is 'judge'. thats where we go wrong.

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ty Sujit!

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Anony ty!

**u oscillate btw extreme HIGH's and LOW's

thats right.

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WC Sree n ty for all the info u provided here.

**Hmm Sugar-craving (the brain demands sugar when there is a fall in serotonin levels) and insomnia are two factors to watch out for

thats def something to watch for.

Good luck with ur post on Dementia!

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Jim hey tnxx!

**ppl who spend a lotta time on the net usually need helpu too Kesh

I so I need HELP anyways :) and tnxx for the concern Jimmy boy!

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Saffy ty so much HUGGGGGGGZ! I know u truly care abt me.

** Sometimes it's not for want for wanting to talk to someone, but for want of someone willing to listen.

so true. And even when someone can listen to u, it's not worth it if they cant u'stand.

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Ammu somehow I know how u feel...UR NOT ALONE. Cos I have been there too...I even thought that death is great actually...I mean compared to having to put up with some shit that I had to! Seriously it really feels like death is better than that. BUT we have to stop rite there n think...is death gonna bring any solutions? Even if it did, we wont be ard to see it.

**u can c them but u can't hear them

I know...sometimes I wanna say SHUTUP to everyone cos I know no one knows how I truly feel and all they can do is just give formal advise...and it dun mean anything to me! At times like that I listen to myself...i calm down and I stay frozen yet unshaken. Dun give in to negative thoughts. Just stay. Cos tomorrow u'll be rite.

**i don't know what else to say, except maybe we should all just not expect so much from life & ourselves, and just appreciate little moments & try to simle more

Spot on! Thats exactly what I wanted to say too. We cant have it all.

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Anony hey!

**the pupils are dilated more than usual, i tink

really? thats interesting.

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Blessed heyy hows u sweetie?

**For example, there is so much to me. Yet I do not share all. There is no one on this earth that knows what all is in my mind, in my soul, there is no one who completely knows me (except God).

Spot on! thats exactly what I meant.

ty n HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

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Margie HUGGGGGGGGGZ! Im so glad ur aunt is ok.

yeah...live one more day n see how u feel...u mite be smiling again.

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DJ heyy tnxx!

**but its true that you cannot judge what the other person is going through unless he/she speaks to you...

true...and even if u speak n are not understood, its ok. We gotta live to get better. Death is so final.

yeah Crying helps...letting ur emotions out is one of the best ways to handle pent-up frustrations.

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Anony is that u Saby?

**my sis died in amental assylum

REALLY? Im so sorry to hear that!

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heyy Pecos!

**--so many people see help as a weakness.

so true! They think that asking for HELP, confiding and crying etc is a sign of weaknes WHEN IT CAN REALLY SAVE A LIFE.

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hey San_Nakji hows u?

Apart from Medicine n prof help, theres gotta be someone close to talk to. There's gotta be love n support from friends n family. W.o. that even prof help may not really help.

** I think there are many suicides that are not for any other reason than for taking the 'easy' way out of a problem and those people really annoy me

How do we know that mate? I mean d u think committing suicide is EASY? I think not. Tho alot of ppl think ppl who kill emselves r COWARDS, I say it's not very easy to kill yourself. I say u've got to be quite brave to do that kinda thing. Cos We love ourselves the most and as humans we r made to protect ourselves from harm n danger. SO to go against that natural instinct in us must be something so very hard to do. I will never term it as 'EASY'.

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Priya heyy!

**Keshi: Depression is an excuse to escape all commitments and responsibilities.

Priya thats not a Medical definition of depression. While some ppl may kill emselves as a result of instant rage/sadness, Depression is not an excuse. it's a serious chemical imbalance in the brain.

**Why people get depressed?

Thats not something that can be answered by em easily Priya. It's not that they have a choice. Some ppl r genetically prone to get it.

**If they close their doors and remain alone, it's a sign of depression which can make them think more and more and lead to such drastic steps.

yes but we cant blame them for that. every individual is unique and each one of us handle pressures differently. The least we can do is judge such ppl. Cos we never know how we'd cope in a situation like that. It's really easier said that done.

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Saby heyy!

** went to JESUS for helpand got over my dependency on drugs

Im glad.

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Ashley Im so sorry abt ur family member. I know, it's so very hard when someone dies that way.

**People need to know suicide is a result of a very real mental illness.

So true. Alot of ppl think suicide is EASY and question such ppl's mental stability. I think it's really unfair to do that.

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George WC n ty so much for sharing ur story here. Im sure it will help someone out there. Its a very hard battle that u have fought. Im glad ur over it and that ur alive.

**It is a medical condition like diabetes ... not enough insulin, not enough seratonin, norepinephrine or dopamine

ty for puttin that across. I hope ppl who dun u'stand Depression, will be enlightened by ur comment.

Stay strong...live to see the rest of ur life :).

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G'day Bev!

**Oddly, some of the drugs given to help with depression can have suicide as a side effect. I am not trying to be funny.

true. I know that.

There r Suicide HELPlines her Bev.

**Remember too, depression is a combination of symptoms. Depression is not the sickness.

I think so too.

ty so much for ur very informative comment Bev!

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Shionge if Dan was ard, I cud help him alot better now. Cos back then I wasnt so enightened abt Depression n Suicide.

** MY heart was aching and talk to her all the time and I'm glad she is out of her depression and back on track again

Im glad u stood by her to the end to make sure that she's ok. Ur the friend in need.

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Southy thats great that such emotions make u stronger. But not everyone's lucky as u r. We r all made different and we all handle pressures different.

**Its far better living like a bloke than trying to be an einstein.

I read that most of the ppl who die of suicide r high-achievers. Cos they cant cope when things go slightly wrong. They r perfectionists.

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Iceman heyy!

**After all life is just a test... u just have to pass it...

I agree. And we have to be ard to see if we pass it :)

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TK ur spot on...none of us immune to it so we better not judge.

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Chocolte I agree. It's not a solution at all. But I wont call such ppl cowards sweetie. Cos I'll never know what it is to be in their shoes and hell nah I dun think committin suicide is EASY! Infact i say one must be quite brave to do that. Cos we r humans who have natural instincts to protect ourselves from harm. So how can killing ourselves be easy?

**i almost lost respect for her, because what she put her family and closest friends through

I dun think ur friend cud make clear decisions at the time. ppl under depression have their certain brain chemicals ruling their decisions. So we cant really say that she didn't love her family enuff etc. It's not fair to say that cos sweetie cos she was sufferin from a chemical imbalance that we dun u'stand.

Anyways I hope she's ok and Im sure u'll b there for her. Never tell her that u love her less now. ok?? Cos LOVE is what she needs rite now.

HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

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Jay heyy!

**It's a terrible enemy to fight. It never gives up.

Im glad u r one of those few ppl who know what it really is.

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ty Aditi!

** I wish people had the confidence to reach out and talk to someone without thinking they might be judged for it.

true. But alot of ppl JUDGE em already so how can they even ask for help? Its really sad that we who r on the better side of the fence dun seem to understand what these ppl r going thru.

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Anony heyy!

**depression is sumting u will never no until u experience it

I totally agree. No one can say they r making excuses etc unless they've been in the same shoes 100%!

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Thumby hey HUGGGGGGGGZ!

Im so very sorry abt ur cuzn. Altho he died cos of his GFs two-timing acts, I say he was a very sensitive person. Thats why he cudnt cope for too long. I wish he got Help tho.

**It takes alot of courage & strength for someone to overcome Depression.. Almost needs lots of love & care from the loved ones...

so true! Just medication only wont help. Love n support from family n friends is a must.

Hi again KeshiBefore I hit the sack(been such a tiring day on the ski slopes, and I am soooo tired) I just want to mention one more thing!

It is so important to be understanding and supportive of friends and loved ones we know that are battling depression!A long time ago I was the one person in a very special friend's life that saved her from going over the edge....she called me in the middle of the night, and I went right to her house...she said if I had not come she would have jumped off a bridge!'She is one of my best friends on earth, and we talk at least 3x's a week on the phone...she lives in Florida.I always tell her....God appointed me as an angel to be there for her, and she says it was true!

we all need to remember...there, but for the grace of God, go you and I!I have known many people in my life that have suffered soooo much from depression...I have said many prayers for them!Good- night Keshi dear!

i've had bouts of serious depression...but thankfully i've been able to coax my mind out of it...and focus on more positive things...

depression feels like a vortex which just sucks you in...no matter how much you try to get out of it...and suicidal tendencies arise when you feel helpless, timid, and all sense of logic and reason just fades away...

what you've said its absolutely true..you can never understand what goes inside the mind (i mean apart from the chemical imbalance) of a person suffering from clinical depression...

and I feel...support of friends and family especially loved ones is probably the only way out of it...

So true Keshi...its really a very difficult to judge why a person wanted to end his / her existence...only putting yourself in that person's state does not help...cauz experiencing that kinda state in reality would be something totally different !

As you said..may be offering ourselves for company could be the only help..getting the person out of it would be heavenly!

Loosing someone you know and such a lively person as you said...its really painful and makes you wonder...in fact it effects so badly !

I have seen depression from very close, a person very dear to me went thru it,what makes it more difficult to handle is as you say lack of knowledge. Often it goes unidentified for long and results in something like what happnd to your friend.I did not read the complete post Keshi, Sorry, it still is difficult for me.But I am glad you wrote about it.Hugs

keshi,that was so sad. the loss of a life is always sad even if it is a stranger. more so if it is a friend or family.

i'm the type of person who also doesn't understand why someone just doesn't bounce back. thankfully, my sister who is psychiatry resident has educated us with her stories and cases so I understand it better now. it's good that you decided to educate yourself about it.

True, depression goes much deeper than the passing phase of stress, worries, sadness or disappointments. Depression is a terrible disease, and the patient needs special attention and care.

But then, life itself is an incurable disease! It takes us nowhere except to our death.

Even before we were born, we were destined to die some day. Accidents, depression, suicides, poisons, fire, water, calamities, bullets, swords... jut like everything else in life, the way we die is also destined.

I am in no way fascinated by death. Nor does it scare me in any way. I see it as nothing but a channel for the transformation of energy - that energy which can never be destroyed.

I don't ask myself, "How long have I lived?"

The question I ask myself is, "Have I lived well?"

Thus far, my answer is YES! Maybe lonely, rejected, disappointed at times, and sad at times, but even amidst all that, I do believe that I have lived quite well.

"Depression" we will find this every where ...people who cant express them selves, people who think they are not as smart/good than the other peron, in love, in friendship, failure in exams, parents always worrying about there daughter!!!! the list is never ending.....

thanks for nice post.. depression is a bad thing.. one start taking everything in negative manner.. this happens to me too.. initially i wasn't able to understand.. wht happens to me.. i start nagging over small things..which in routine seems very normal..i too tend to become normal.. but now i know its depression n will go soon.. so i try to control myself.. but let me tell u one thing its not easy to fight by urself against depression.. ur mind completely stop working..other person has to be really patient while dealing it with you..

my yoga instructor says that most of us spend our time pushing ourselves to win in the external world, which somehow most people do to different extents ... but fail to win over thyself :), to see inner happiness ... which is one of the reasons he says people are mostly disatisfied with their lives ... and ppl in huge numbers suffer from stress and other imbalances which lead to depression, mood swings and such things ... he too did quote a suicide instance to elucidate this

I'd still blame dan for having lost balance in life, which triggered his medical condition ... I do feel sorry for him ... but this is very unlikely to be the case had he maintained some balance ... loading the mind too much does have its consequences

I wudn't recommend medidation to everyone ... I find it hell difficult :( ... but every person will have their own way of unplugging to regain their balance ... guess ppl today choose to ignore / are ignorant of this imbalance ... in our rat race :)

Suicide is such a selfish act. It is so damaging to the loved ones left behind. Depression needs to be understood by the public or else more and more casualties will occur.

Keshi, I was the "On Walk About" commenter.

Oh yeah, get all your friends here and send them over to my place. I'm holding a blogger event: Gruntstock! That should help out with any blues you may be having. Plus, I'd get to have you over at my blog again:)

Well-written dear. Many times I have thought why these people are dieing like bashfulness, but this post is an eye open for many including me.

One of my cousin was like depression, she look very normal and couldn’t find she was in stress. After visiting doctor we found she was in that with her family problems and couldn’t get a job, send her to perplexity situation. She used to walk non-stop for every 30 minutes and think about some wrong thing would be happen. Doctor has advised to divert her mood, so we are searching for a good job to change her mind. Hope she will come out of it soon…

It's been a tough couple of weeks here, and I keep asking myself if indeed I am depressed (I even read through my old blogs, but I write so sporadically that it is not a reliable indicator). In this case, however, I think I am just sad (although I have been craving cookies--sweet & crunchy--am I depressed and repressed?). I never expected such a physical ache in my heart, why do hearts literally hurt when they are broken? We'll see what a week in the sun does, and planting season is just around the corner...need to feel dirt and green life...A thoughtful blog, Keshi, you never know who it/you may touch.

Additionally, since I have written three lengthy book reviews, prepared an hour long seminar presentation, and accessioned hundreds of new items, I don't think that I am using my sadness as: "an excuse to escape all commitments and responsibilities"

i dunno wat to say except this...people do feel lonely. and well, the experiences with the people of the world are not really great. its really hard to find a real frend. someone who wud completely support u, stand up for u...i might hav a lil idea of wat depression is like...but i feel sad for the fact that people like Dan cant talk to people when they need to confide...i wish people wud be more considerate, more thoughtful and a lil more alert...as opposed to the negative things people do to each other...im glad ur spreading awareness thru ur blog abt this keshi!

REAL depression is a chemical imbalance in our brain which is not regular sadness or blues.Arvind's mom and brother both suffer from Bi-Polar and is hereditary.His only brother committed suicide last year.Got to get diagnosed and treated,can not just "get over" it!!

That was a very informative post Keshii!! wel...i do know how it is to be in that state...cos, my college days were the best days for me,, i was so much loved by everyone,i always had lots of friends, i was alwyas cheerful, i always scored goodmarks,i even got a job before anyone else got,and even my juniors and teachers loved me......i know it sounds somethin out of a fairy tale,but, that was how my life was..but like how they say, when someone else sees u really happy and going on well in life they do somethin jsut to bog u down,jusst to give u a small shock, well,thats what happened to me too.... when i heard and saw my world being broken down into pieces, jsut cos of 2 people,i couldnt take it any longer, i was depressed, i lived ike a ghost,a wanderer perhaps.......or someone walking for somebody's life...i became one among them...someone who had words but no tongue to speak out,cos,i was not like what thosepeopl had portrayed and what they were propogating,i ignored most of it in the beginning,when the going got tough, i felll into what peole say as depression...for aorund3months i was like that..being away from parents and family,life was hard for me...BUT i haad very sweeet and loving friends who believed in me,who were ready to do anything for me,who talked to me day and night,who made me believ inmyself again,and who made me back to myself...and all my robs were gone by the end of the year,and i was back to my cheerful happy self, and i have kinda forgoten about the incident,after all the peopl whom i love hav always been with me.....BUT even in al those midst,i had never thot of death or suicide,cos i knew it was wrong....what u have said is absolutely true,if there is somebody to talk out,or somebody to help u out,u can get out of it too!and i have also lost a dear person by suicide..but i have never thot of what he did aas foolishness, but i have alwys wondereed or wished if jsut he had thot for atleast a sec....life wuld have been different for him and his family....and well,am not commenitng under my name,..cos whatever i have writen is someething i consider history :D :D!and only my close frends knows about the that part of my life...but i do hope u do understand who this is !!heehhee!! :D :D!!!anywyas,this was one cool post...i do hope u be able to help out someone distress...take care Keshii!

Wow.. that was a long post. haha.. thanks for sharing though. I felt that way too.. always thinking that people like this are weak and all that but now I do realize that they do have a medical condition just like people with cancer or some other sickness and we should really be there and care for them.

its always hard to tell what another is goin through, unless they come out and talk about it.. suicide takes a lot of guts, i just wish that they used the same will to fight through life instead of giving it up in a flash. But now that you say its a medical conditon, I guess they cant help themselves, or is the will of the mind stronger? im very sorry for your friend keshi. Depression is the worst.

Hey Keshi, howya doin?? You stole a post of mine... I was going to write about suicide... but it would have been opposite to what you wrote...Neways, nice to know about depression. I have always wondered about it.

So sorry about your friend keshi.I think you have done a good service by enlightening people about the disease. Not many people are aware of the signs of depression and don't think it will happen to them.I think it is a silent killer. Only now people are beginning to understand what depression is all about and that it is a chemical imbalance and that there is help out there.Thank you for posting all this information.Now we will not look at the person who is depressed in the same way.

**God appointed me as an angel to be there for her, and she says it was true

ofcourse. U saved a life Margie and it's huge job that u've done so well. Im so proud of u.

I cudnt help Dan and I regret it alot. He didn't tell me abt it but I wish he did. I still think of him - he's 6feet tall and so so handsome. Most of all he was a gentleman...a pure heart.

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Ramag Im sp glad ur well now. TC. If it comes bakk to u, think abt this post and think this

'u gotta live to know what u have in store'....

**and suicidal tendencies arise when you feel helpless, timid, and all sense of logic and reason just fades away...

true and thats what most ppl dun u'stand.

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Seema heyy tnxx!

**As you said..may be offering ourselves for company could be the only help

true...and it's the best we cud do to someone - not blaming them and calling them names after they die.

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Neihal HUGGGGGGGGZ! Im so sorry that one of ur loved-ones in goin thru it. I hope u r more enlightened now and that u'd be able to help her/him better.

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Srijith ty!

It's not very easy to have fun when a person is dealing with REAL depression...cos the brain tells u to do something else...like shut down from the world and be sad all the time. Thats why family n friends need to identify any subtle changes in a loved-one and be there for them.

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Uttsy Huggggggggggggz!

U know I have been there...I've felt the pangs of death..Im not afraid to admit it. But u have always been there for me. TY so much!

Menchie Im glad u have a sis who's a Psychiatrist. My cuzn sis is one too.

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Ash ty so much for thinking of Dan.

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Praddy I like ur comment alot.

**But then, life itself is an incurable disease! It takes us nowhere except to our death.

so true. But we dun have to take it away from us b4 it's due to. u know wut I mean. But sometimes I wonder if Suicide is also a due time for some ppl.

I too am sad, lonely, angry, rejected at times. All humans r. I dunno how I'll cope if Im hit with depression. I have felt the pangs of death tho....I wanted to die (tho I havent attempted suicide). Cos sometimes I feel is it all worth...this drama of a life that ends in pain anyways. But then again I think to myself that I have to LIVE to see what's ahead of me. If I DIE I wont get that chance do I?

Have I lived well? YES 100%. I have never been greedy of money, I have never stolen things, never broken someone else's family/life, never hurt someome enough for them to b scarred for life, I have helped ppl whenever I could, I have given alot..not taken much, I have cried, felt, loved, shared, lived every moment...I think I have lived well. So if I die tomorrow, I'd die contented.

And Im glad u have too Praddy.

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Poo heyy!

**people who cant express them selves, people who think they are not as smart/good than the other peron, in love, in friendship, failure in exams, parents always worrying about there daughter

true...even small failures and disappointments can lead to suicide. Thats why we have to be AWARE of what's happening with our family n friends.

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hey Alex ty!

**though the consequences will be a combination of both physical and mental.

yep..we have to see changes in a person...subtle it may be, but we have to be AWARE.

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Diva heyy :)

**IS SUICIDE A SIN? i think the answer is yes!

I really dunno sweetie. Who r we to judge that even. I know that some religions/faiths suggest that it's a SIN to commit suicide. But dun we all sin anyways? :) I think the human existence itself is a SIN. Nobody is 100% pure.

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heyy PasserBy hows u?

**After every pain I shall straighten, as a tree straightens after the rain,Shining and lovely again ...

I loved what u said there, ty! I hope everyone will read that.

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Ganesh Dan's death still haunts me.

**Depression cannot be cured unless the person who is depressed himself tries to get out of it....

yeah it's a combination of self, prof help and loved-ones' support that matters.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend keshi.Thank you for a great post and info within it.Like any disease depression can wear down the mind body and spirit to the point that death seems like the only way out of a long dark hopeless journey.thank youhugstc

**my yoga instructor says that most of us spend our time pushing ourselves to win in the external world, which somehow most people do to different extents ... but fail to win over thyself

thats so true! I always say that to my greedy aunt. I'll be honest I have a very greedy aunt - all she can ever think of is MONEY. It's truly APPALLING!

Meditation is something I cud never even begin to try...LOL! U know how HYPER I am rite? Once I was under a bout of anxiety...when I was at Uni. My doc asked me to parctise Meditation. I came home n sat down on a mat and just got up within the next 5 seconds saying I cant do it.

**I'd still blame dan for having lost balance in life, which triggered his medical condition

u cud say that Samy...u cud. But I dun blame him even one tiny bit. He had a very unsupportive family. I found out all the details later on. It was a shame that he didn't dial KESHI just b4 he did took that drastic step. I'd have talked him out of it somehow. I'd have even booked a flight to NZ in the next hour.

The last call he made to me said to me that he's OK. He told me that he'll be bakk in Aus soon. That was few weeks b4 his death.

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Grunt so that was u? awww HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ! :) I thought u were on a long break so I didn't visit ya. I'll b there soon mate.

**Suicide is such a selfish act. It is so damaging to the loved ones left behind

I know..but thats cos the mind of the person who commits suicide just stops. It doesn't reason any logic. So they can only see their pain and nothing/nobody else.

Gruntstock sounds like a great Blues-fighter...will b there soon ;-).

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Cheesy u ok?

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Anony thats very sad. Thats why IMMEDIATE support is imp and needed.

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Daman I hope ur cuz gets better soon. Be there for him/her ok? Dun ever put them down. Always tell them that u understand them and that u will be there for them no matter what.

God bless!

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Cazzie ty so much for that!

Get IMMEDIATE HELP from BEYOND BLUE.

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Nora ty so much! U and Caz r doin a great job giving out the numbers and links!

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Jeevan I know u'll b there for ur cuzn sis. I hope she gets better soon. And rem this, never leave her ALONE.

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Helen I know u have every reason to be sad n depressed now. It's a very tough situation that ur facing. But always know that Im here for u ok?? We may be miles apart but I can see ur heart and u can see mine. I will always be here for ya.

**an excuse to escape all commitments and responsibilities"

true...sometimes it's an escape/excuse. Some ppl do that kinda thing. But I still feel that u've got to have alot of GUTS to kill urself.

TC n HUGGGGGGGGGGGGZ!

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Shitrint ty sweetie!

** wish people wud be more considerate, more thoughtful and a lil more alert...as opposed to the negative things people do to each other...

definitely! I always think why ppl cant be nice to each other when they're alive. When someone's dead, they bring out all the 'should've', 'could've' and 'would've's. Whats the point!

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Asha Im so very sorry to hear abt ur bro-in-law, HUGGGGGGGGGGGZ! It must have been really hard for all of u. Its something that haunts u for life, I know.

**Got to get diagnosed and treated,can not just "get over" it!!

true. I hope more ppl will realise that. ty sweetie!

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David Im very well ty and yourself?

tnxx for dropping by and I hope u have a great week ahead mate!

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WC InsaneBlog!

tnxx for sharing ur life story with us. I know wut u mean...when ur doing so well, someone wants to spoil it. I've been thru that myself. I was very good in College and even better at Uni...alot of ppl were very jealous - my relatives mainly. They tried to put me down etc. Still do. At times I got badly affected by em but now I dun give a damn abt such ppl. I will not let em dampen my spirits.

Im glad ur doin ok. Just TC of urself. Always know that u have to love n lookafter someone in this world...thats YOURSELF.

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heyy Paul!

**Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

so true! I have heard of that one too and its so very true. Cos after death, ur not ard to see the solution/results r ya? ty!

**But now that you say its a medical conditon, I guess they cant help themselves, or is the will of the mind stronger?

THE MIND...there lies the strength. I agree. But what happens to this MIND when they r under depression is beyond anyone's comprehension. The MIND stops. What happens then is that we cant THINK clearly.

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KK hey hows u?

**I was going to write about suicide... but it would have been opposite to what you wrote

:) how d u mean?

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Meggzy ty n hugggggggggz!

I miss Dan...d u know that I still have his mobile phone number in my phone. I havent erased it for years.

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Starry ty sweetie!

**Not many people are aware of the signs of depression and don't think it will happen to them.

yes..alot of ppl think that such things DUN happen to em. Thats where we r wrong.

my friend committed suicide last year and that was a huge shock to all who knew him. he was seemingly fine to everyone and yet a few days after sepaking to his best friend, he ended his life. I believe he was suffering from depression as factor of a lot of things - finishing uni, moving away to Sydney, breaking up with his gf. I mean, these are things we all knew of but I imagine there must have been more personal things that were plaguing him. I don't know - it's a hard one to detect. I feel so low at times that I don't even want to get out of bed, but other days - I am ok. If were are all just here for each other and know that we have support in our times of need - we will be ok...hopefully :)

I am doing ok Keshi.....I would have written that doing suicide is foolish...But I don't have anything to back it up and argue with you... So you change your post :D Because thats easier, no arguement :) LOL!!!

BTW, How could you post on JLo when I was sick and down... But I cant say in public what all I will do when I am alone with JLo... Last time when we met we were disturbed by paparazzi... we became wild... for proof I can send you a pic once I go home :D

"I will never call it a foolish act again. Cos I have no right to say so. I can never be in that person's shoes so let's not sit and judge" - This is very much true. People just condemn suicide, as they condemn everything in the name of so-called morality,with no idea of what they are talking about.

"He always portrayed a happy and cool self, and in control" - This is exactly a depressed mind behaves and it's really hard to figure it out.

Though there are medicines like, Fluoxitine family, it is adviceable not to take them as resistance will develope soon. The best way is to make them feel they are normal with care, love affection. They just need more strokes than the so-called normal person to get rid of the 3Ds - Depression, Despondency and Dejection.

And honestly speaking i hate ppl who attempt suicide, they say it takes lot of courage to attempt it, fine afterall in the bargain u r leaving a lot of unfinished business behind coz u r such a coward that u cant take them but attempt suicide. Anyway, u know my best friend sunita, right? she lost everything and i mean everything in just one fatal moment...is there any bigger burden in the world than the burden of ur entire family's death? She absorbed everything with immense courage and determination...she cud hv done anything and ended her life, but no....she hung in and still living proudly and making most out of her life.

Southy I know abt Sunita's story..she's a great advocate for courage and LIFE. I really admire her cos I dunno wut I'd do in her situation.

Having said that we cant compare 2 ppl's psyche and lives Southy. We can never do that. Cos everyone is different and handles situations differently. So it wud be unfair to compare 2 ppl's strength n courage. Cos no 2 ppl r the same.

I m not comparing, just putting up a real example for the who believe that u can't overcome certain things in life.As far as my own concept is concerned, i'd still hate the cowards all around and thank God for making me what i m today.

Southy u have a right to ur opinion abt em, just as much as they have a right to feel the way they do :).

**is there any bigger burden in the world than the burden of ur entire family's death?

u r comparing here. How can u say that one person's pain is bigger/smaller than the other's? That's not fair Southy. Cos each and everyone's PAIN is BIG for them alone. We cant say that ur pain is less than mine.

It's not only the tragic event that we need to look at, there r a whole lot of other things that fall into the picture...such as ur coping skills, genetics, environmental and personal support etc. Everyone is DIFFERENT.

keshi..i agree with raj .. those who even think of committing suicide is a coward.. rem myu friend did that i said she was coward i still feel the same..

but here wen we talk of courage n life blah blah blah.. we not here to agree to disagree ( get that right first) but we ( me n raj ) trying to say that u cant even think of doing that.. whatever ur mind / heart says... there is no 2 ways about NOT agreeing..

i agree all are not same but u cant be soo stubburn that u dont wanna admit wat others say and accept it..u have to built some qualities all are not blessed with them.. get that right 1st...

i have always tried to charge u up.. u always say this that u want to end ur life someday... *sigh *

yes...why do we have peace-keepers and terrorists? Why do we have nature-lovers and vandalists? why do we have stone-hearts and softies? Cos EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.

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Uttsy heyy hows u?

**those who even think of committing suicide is a coward

Thats a very biased view Uttsy. U cant call ppl a coward when u r not in their shoes and when u havent even experienced their whole life. Cos it takes a person's entire life and experiences to know what he/she is feeling like in a specific situation.

Cowards r not ppl who commit suicide...cos I say it takes alot of guts to do it. Cowards r ppl who hurt others.

**u have to built some qualities all are not blessed with them.. get that right 1st...

Uttsy that's like telling a leaf to be a stone. Can that happen? Nah. Cos everyone's genes/experiences/minds/lives/skills r different. Im not just putting the blame on it to get away, but indeed all of that have a contribution to how we cope.

**i have always tried to charge u up.. u always say this that u want to end ur life someday... *sigh

aww Im not saying Im FOR SUICIDE. cmon I did say I wanna die...when I was at my lowest. But Im ok Uttsy. Look Im here laughing and all :):) HUGGGGGGGGGGZ!

Excellent post, Kesh, as always. So sorry to hear about your friend, recall you mentioning him before, either in a post or in a comment. I think perhaps you had little choice in the matter being the type of person that you are, you dealt with it in a manner few would, researching and finding understanding. Somehow, someway, it will have a purpose one day beyond this, you may know it or not. Perhaps through this post, you will have enabled someone else to go that little bit further and in doing so, they will be able to help someone else. Or maybe you yourself will be called upon in life. In which case, Dan would have indirectly saved someone else from the same fate. You're a good friend, Kesh.Hugs and happy Tuesday, xo

Keshi, you will never know how happy it made me to read what you wrote. You said so positively that you have lived well. Not many people I know could ever say it so confidently.

Just for that confidence and that expression Keshi, a BIGGGG TIGGGHHHT HUGGGGGGG, and MUAAAHHHHH! :)

Keshi, you were saying it right: "...drama of life..." But you stopped short for some reason.

How about adding "...drama of life and death..." And maybe you will see the whole thing in a new perspective?

Keshi, have you ever seen a shadow-play? A shadow play is a source of entertainment. On a dark night, or in a dark room, a clean white screen is placed against a source of bright light, and an expert with his hands/fingers in front of the light can produce wonderful lively images on the screen. This used to be a source of entertainment for some of us, just like the movies today.

What I am trying to do is to build a parallel. When we watched the shadow play, each of us in the audience knew that the shadows were just an illusion, and that they were not real birds or animals. Yet, the emotional value attached with the story of the play would be so touching that we sometimes used to shed tears at certain scenes.

Just like we shed tears at a lot of things in life today, even though we know that it is all just a drama, after all.

Oh look at how much I wrote here! Keshi, I think I have taken too much space in your comments, you need not publish this unless you really want to.

Two of my friends "suffer" from depression... and I know one is on anti-depressants, too...

The other is a very close friend of mine.. not sure if she's on any medication, though..

I don't know what to say, Keshi.. however much I try to reason with her, try and make her see that her life is not as shitty as she thinks it is.. (and believe me yaar I can be persuasive lol) it never ever gets into her head. I have had long-ass conversations with her on MSN... running till about 5:30 in the morning (starting at around 1:00 am)... but however much I say and try to convince her... she will never see it from my viewpoint. I know that. I know her too well, to know that she won't...

I think that people with depression are just as much human as people without depression.. they just have different problems in life than those without depression.. and I try and respect each and every individual in my own way... and I think that only they can solve the problem...

If the strength can't come from within, it is pointless. Completely pointless. It is in THEIR mind, so only THEY can kick the depressing thoughts/attitudes out... there is only so much I can do.. and it frustrates me at times, but she knows that I have extended my hand out, and it will remain extended for her as long as she wants it...

Keshi - this is exactly why youare so special - you don't justreact to the present - you go back and research and LEARN - you are so alive and loving and connected in every way to your experiences in life - you have an open heart andmind and you share with everyone.

Thankyou for sharing about this.It will make me more observant and sensitive to people around me and aware.

Intelligence has zip, zero, zilch to do with a person's proclivity for committing suicide. Speaking as someone who has been suicidal more than once, people like us have never been given the tools to cope with difficult emotions. Many of us have been molested or otherwise abused in childhood. Some of the problem is also biochemical. People with certain mental illnesses (such as my dear bipolar disorder which I am forced to embrace every day whether I want to or not) are more prone to possible suicide. One of my cousins was medication-resistant depressed. She was about my age and she committed suicide last year after years of suffering. She was by no means a stupid person.One of the brightest, most talented people I have ever known of killed himself when he was 22. He was amazing--fluently spoke 3 languages, was a brilliant poet and a sweet, tortured soul. The first thing that comes out of one's mouth when a person they know commits suicide is "what the...how dumb can you get???" But it really isn't a matter of intelligence. Its a matter of level of pain and whether or not you can cope. Good post.

I agree with every word u said there...Intelligence has zilch to do with a person's proclivity for committing suicide. SPOT ON! I hope alot of the others wud u'stand that. It takes intelligence to u'stand that I mean :)

About Me

Music seems to adore me as it keeps reaching my ears...guitars and cars...friends I cannot be without...poems, life, ocean, people...these are some things I simply love. This is my personal e-diary...if anything I blurt out here hurts anyone, my sincere apologies in advance. What I write here are my deepest thoughts that I hardly discuss with people close to me in real. These are my conversations with my mind and the walls who sometimes have better listening powers than humans. But ofcourse I value everyone's views and I intend to grow from them, so you're most welcome to express yourselves here.
Life is too short so I try to 'live' longer every day...and yes one day at a time.
Knowledge is power hence people have been the source of that power in me...I thank them always.