Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Cancer.

I don't want to write this post. In my past life, I wouldn't have written it. But for some reason, I know that I have to. For some reason, Ryan and I know it is important that you all know what is going on.

So I will do what I always do. I will write. Whether I like it, or not.

Before I get to the crap of the matter, you should know that my husband is the most important person in my life. He is honestly in every capacity of the word...my "best friend." My boys are important to me, they are my heart and soul...but they will find their true loves one day, and in turn be complete as I am. Ryan is my person. He is so much better than me, and his love is my greatest treasure.

I have always known that what I have with Ryan is rare, and special.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him.

We are one.

So why this is happening to US, I do not know. I can only believe that there is a reason. There is a greater plan that my eyes can't see yet.

Ryan has cancer.

Or maybe, he still has cancer.

I didn't really write about it a few years ago, but Ryan had Melanoma. It was one mole that looked like a pencil eraser, and we only had it removed because it kinda grossed me out. It wasn't black or asymmetrical or anything when we had it removed. The doctor sent it into pathology, just to make sure it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It was a big something.

Surgery and chemotherapy. It was a long haul, but we thought it was gone.

A few days ago we found out it isn't gone. In fact it is back in the form of 6 brain tumors, and multiple tumors in his lungs and abdomen. Metastasized melanoma. It's pretty much the worst kind of cancer there is.

But that is neither here nor there right now. Right now we are focused on moving forward and getting things done.

He begins whole brain radiation on Thursday. He will have this every day for a few weeks. He'll lose his hair and be tired, but we are hoping for lean side effects.

The next step will be more taxing. The original specimen of his cancer removed a few years ago is now being analyzed at UCSF. Depending on the mutation it has, we will form a medicine treatment plan. Chemo or immunotherapy. Both of the medicines that are on the table have been approved by the FDA in just the past couple months. We feel completely blessed, and don't feel it is an accident that we were diagnosed this moment in time. If we found out only months ago, these amazing therapies would not have been available.

Why am I telling you this? This is so personal, and usually this would be just too close to home to share with all of the world. But Ryan and I have the strongest impression that we need to share this with everyone. We NEED your prayers.

To be honest, we need a miracle.

We have set aside this Sunday, March 4th for fasting and prayer on Ryan's behalf. Our hope is that people all across the world, every denomination and belief, will pray for a miracle for Ryan. If you feel impressed, please ask your family and friends to participate. If you belong to any prayer groups, or if you have a close church family you can ask to join in, we would appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

God will provide. Let us bombard heaven with our pleas.

Facebook has already exploded with support. My inbox is full, My IM's are never ending, and my status updates are too numerous to keep up with.

Other D Mama friends have set up a facebook page for me. You can find it here. I'll post updates there. Please share the page with your family and friends. The more prayers the better. I can't help but feel deep down that this is true.

There is the craptastic truth. All of it. Uncensored.

How are we? We are on the roller coaster. We are laughing one minute, delirious with tears the next. But we FEEL the prayers. And our hope grows stronger by the minute.

Somehow we know we will be ok.

Somehow.

It won't be easy. But the craziness that lays in front of us will be worth it in the end. We stand ready to receive that miracle.

84 comments:

I'm so sorry, and I want you to know that you have been such a support to me as I now have two children with type 1. Your posts lift me up and make me feel like I can keep pluggin along. I was in tears when I read your post, I want you to know that you will be in my prayers daily and especially on Sunday as we fast. I posted your blog on my facebook so that more people can help. I pray you and your family will have the comfort you stand in need of. Miracles happen everyday!

Oh Dear Meri and Ryan - I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through - for me I am a year after diagnosis and it is still so very hard to understand. I very rarely pray but I will now.Love Amanda

I reciently saw ur story on 1 of my diabetic support groups. I don't know you and you don't know me. I'm in iowa and ur in cali. But I'm always looking for some1 to pray for not as a charity case but bc its my duty as a christian. I felt the need to click on that story I saw posted and read it. Thank you dor sharing this for the world to see. Cancer and diabetes runs rampid in my family. I will pray for you and your family every day not just this Sunday. I hope all of this gives u strength from strangers that don't know you from adam! Thank u again you have. Certianly given this diabetic christian some hope to plug on!

I cannot even begin to imagine what you and your family are going through, or how you must be feeling, but I can say, without a doubt, that you have many many friends and supporters who are praying for you.

Your family means so much to us here in the DOC...big prayers are being said and will continue to be said. We are one big family and know that you have so much love from those you've never even actually met. Thank you for sharing with us. XOXO

MeriPlease know I've been praying since I first heard the news about Ryan. The verse Wendy shared is the verse I've been standing on for the last 24 hours. My oldest, Kayleigh, started a new mission of writing a Bible verse and putting it in her pocket each day. She had no idea about Ryan and when I asked her what was written on the paper, that was the verse! Our God is BIG. He is MIGHTY. He is MIRACULOUS! The Bible tells us to ask in Jesus' name and we shall receive. I'm asking for this miracle for Ryan. I'm demanding Satan to stand back so his body can be completely healed. The Word also says in Mark 16:18, if we lay hands on the sick they will recover. Lay your hands on him and tell Satan to back off and let God work his miracle! I'm dropping something in the mail for you so watch for it! I love ya girlie!!!!

Meri, you are such an amazing person and I just know from reading your blog that your husband is equally incredible. What you have is so amazing and it's what's going to get Ryan through all of this. As long as he has hope and your love to cling to, he's got more than a fighting chance of triumphing. I'm adding my prayers to those bombarding Heaven right now and I've added all of you to our prayer list at church. Heaven will hear the voices of thousands begging for your miracle! Hang in there, dear woman, and if you need anything at all, we're all here to help in any way we can!

Meri,,,my heart goes out to you and Ryan!! Praying for a great miracle for you all!!! Lots of Love and prayers!! Your blog today gave me chill's in such an awesome way!!! Thanks for sharing I can't imagine how hard it is!!!

My hearts breaking for you..my son had melinoma.age 40...and the love of my life his daddy has been diagnosed..2 surgerys have seemingly removed it..but they keep removing moles for biopsies..we live on egg shells but we live and are thankful for every day we have..our sons favorite saying was.." every day is a good day , some are just better than others " May GOD bless and keep you all..praying for a healing for Ryan Jane Lute

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. You don't know me I have been following your blog since my daughter was diagnosed. You are strong, I pray the blessings and strength you need will come your way. We will be fasting for you on Sunday.

I have had your name and Ryan's name written on my hand all day and I am asking God for a miracle. I've seen Him do it before and I'm begging for one now. You don't know me but I will be ifiting you up regardless. Godspeed dear lady! Lacey in NC

I will be praying on Sunday (and before then as well) with all my heart. I will also light a white candle of healing in his honor this evening when I get home. My thoughts are with you, Ryan, and your boys during this troubling time.

i am glad that you wrote this post. i am glad you are reaching out to the community and beyond. with all the support you have from those you know and those who only know of you, i hope you can feel it. if i sit quietly enough, i can hear it buzzing over my house, headed to you from places far away. i hope it surrounds you and your family and lifts you up.

Meri...today I cried in the library when I read this. We will join you in prayer and fasting this Sunday and I will add your family to the prayer list in our Temple. Heartfelt Hugs to you and your family.

We will be fasting for you! Just know and remember that you are strong enough to handle this and Heavenly Father knows it. May His spirit be with you and your family. You are in our prayers. Remember you are loved!

Meri,My mind and heart has been with your family constantly since learning your news. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it. It makes me treasure what I have even the rawness of the things I hate about my life. I wish I could do something to help. I'll pray for god to wrap your family in his arms and give you strength.

Your family is such an inspiration to so many. I am heartbroken for all of you and praying for strength and healing for you all in the coming weeks/months. With God, all things are possible and I believe in MIRACLES!

Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and sending positive vibes your way. My best friend has, and I quote, "stated a mega prayer chain" at her church and at the Catholic school she teaches at. We love you, Meri.

I know you don't know me. i'm a long time lurker, just interested in learning more about D, and marveling at how cute your boys are. I guess it's been about a year since I first ran across here. but tonight, the tears are rolling down my strength. and I am praying with everything I have. Sending so much love to you and yours!

praying for you and your family, as well as the entire medical team he is working with. have a friend from church who had metasticized melanoma. she was told there wasn't much hope. she participated in a special chemo regiment with an oncologist who only deals with melanoma at Advocate Lutheran in Chicago and is now considered to be in remission (has been for a full year almost). They re-do the scans every few months still, but so far, she is still in the clear.

Meri, I cannot begin to know what you are feeling or how hard it must be for you to share but I thank you for sharing so that we too can pray with and for you and your family through this. You have been an amazing strength over the past few years since I found your blog.Know that this has been shared in Australia, Facebook & our Aussie T1 parents group. You are covered in a blanket of prayer at all times of the day and night. God is with you, and if He is for us, who can be against us?

I don't know you and I just recently found your blog when you left me some encouraging comments for diabetes. But I want you to know I hear you and I'm thinking of you all and I'll be saying lots of prayers for you all.

Meri, you have done so much for the DOC. You are our light when it's dark. You are our half full when it's half empty. If there is anything we can do for you, please let us know. But for now we will pray!! We believe in miracles and KNOW one is there for Ryan!! We love you!! PRAYING CONSTANTLY!!! So many (((HUGS)))!!!

Meri, I wish you and your family nothing but immense blessings, strength and protection. I've posted your story on my FB page and asked my friends to join in on Sunday. My mom has asked her pastor friend to have their church join in on Sunday, and shared the request with her local YMCA as well. This Sunday, I hope you can physically feel all of the prayer and good wishes coming your way. Lala

I will pray for Ryan Sunday and ask my work mates to do the same... There are many of us; I work in a large firm. My aunt had melanoma -- almost the same scenario as your Ryan, many, many years ago. I will keep you all in my prayers daily. And I can't but hope that the miracle has arrived in the form of those two new experimental drugs. The fact that those drugs were released just before you discovered the melanoma had spread... It seems like a sign. Keep up your strength. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of all your boys. Stay strong.

The following was in an email I just got from my mom. She had passed the word along to her website guy for her business, who passed it along to his church.

"If it provides any hope, I had a very good friend of the family who beat cancer once, then in a checkup a few months later, found that the cancer had metasticized into about 8 different places. Stage 4: brain, lymph nodes, organs, etc. That was almost 5 years ago and he's the picture of health right now. Miracles happen."

Meri,A friend of yours posted about you on my own blog http://letsgivethanks.blogspot.com/ where I write about melanoma and my own a great deal. More importantly, please, you and Ryan both, connect with me and an awesome melanoma community on the Facebook community page Melanoma Prayer Center. You both need support and different kinds of help. Your family of faith is GREAT, please hear me, but you'll benefit greatly from connecting with people who share your journey because it's our journey too.Grace and peace,Rev. Carol Taylor, stage 3bBlessings and many prayers.

Meri, me again, sorry, but is Ryan under the care of a melanoma specialist? Oncologist and surgical oncologist? If not, that is absolutely vital because as you're learning, melanoma isn't like other cancers and other oncs just don't have the knowledge of the cutting edge treatments that are being developed. Prayers! You've been lifted up on MPC and your story shared.Grace and peace,Carol

I've been reading your blog from the beginning for the past few weeks (my son was diagnosed at age 4 in 1997) and finally came to this last post--just completely knocked the wind out of me. So many prayers being said for you and your family.

Hi Meri, I'm Becca, a stage III malignant melanoma warrior. Friends with Carol and Chelsea (above). I can't say I know anything about what you go through as the mother of a type 1 diabetic, let alone having 3 of them, but I know what it's like having this cancer now for the past year. I can and will pray daily for a miracle for your family. You've got the diabetic community on your side already, it seems, and now you'll have the melanoma community as well. That's lots of prayers!! Hang in there...

Meri, I am sending tefilos (prayers) for you and your family. Sending so much love and hope to you guys! I have only positive thoughts, and am thinking only positive things today about Ryan. We are pulling for you, davening for you (sorry that I keep flipping back to Hebrew!)/ praying for you, and will continue to pray for you, Ryan, and the boys!!! Love, love, love, and lots of dHugs too!!!

Meri, you had me burst into tears while reading your story, because you' ve done so much for us diabetics! I think you are one of the bravest persons for posting your story. I hope Ryan gets well and I really believe that he deserves to be healed. I pray that God gives you strenght and keeps your boys safe. You are in my prayers tonight...you wouldn't mind if a christian orthodox from Greece is praying for you tonight, since God protects and looks after all people...You and your family are in our thoughts. I send you love and possitive thoughts, from this part of the world!

Dearest Meri...I've been missing in action and just heard about your husband, Ryan. I am praying with all my might for a miracle to rid your husband of cancer. Believing, trusting, waiting, hoping...praying for all of you!

Ryan, Meri, and boys, I am praying for God’s grace for all of you during this difficult time. Your message about faith hits home for our family. We have traveled the road of cancer recently too. We quickly developed a much deeper level of faith. Our faith was strengthened through our trials and storms. It's amazing to feel God's presence so close when you so desperately need Him. May you feel the Lord's presence and love as you travel this new journey. Much love and many prayers!

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ABOUT ME

I am the mother to 4 wonderful boys, 3 of which have Type 1 Diabetes. Through this blog I hope to share our ongoing story, to help others see that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Like you, I have muddled through all the emotional phases diabetes has to offer a parent. I know of the worry that sits with you like an old friend, because he is my friend too. I just try not to make him the life of the party. Take the ride with me.

Disclaimer

I can S.W.A.G a meal three tables away. I can guesstimate a bolus in lightning speed. I can check my boys’ blood sugars in the wee hours of the morning, half asleep, with only one eye open. I can do a lot of things…but one thing I can’t do is be your child’s endocrinologist. Everything on this blog works for our family, but might not work for yours. Funny thing diabetes, one size does not fit all. If you see some technique here that you would like to try, call your doctor, use common sense, and remember: I am not a doctor…I’m just a mother of three boys with Type 1 Diabetes. That is it. Mother. Not doctor. Blogger. Not doctor. Friend. Not doctor. All comments will be publicly viewable, but contact information will remain private. Thanks for stopping by! Come again soon!