To the enablers out there. Fuck you.

Family is not a title you can use to constantly treat people like shit without consequences. You can't just say, "Oh well, that's your cousin, or your mom, or your aunt, mother, uncle, niece, grandma so just forgive them and let it go." No. Relationships are earned. I am a human being and deserve to be treated with respect. I am NOT obligated to have a relationship with anyone who treats me like shit, regardless of their label.

I thought you understood this. So when you told me you respected my decision to go no-contact with our mother, I believed you.

I thought that after years of watching me suffer at the hands of our mother and the men she surround herself with, you would understand or at the very least, empathize. Instead, you decided to punish me for my decision. And for awhile, I didn't understand why. For awhile, I thought I was the POS for "abandoning" our mother.

I kept thinking to myself --- I've been beat for years; I've been molested and slut-shamed by HER for being molested; I've been ridiculed by her my whole life; she has financially blackmailed me and fuck....I was promised off to our first cousin by our mother, for an illegal green card marriage. Have I missed something during the last two decades? Am I actually the asshole? Is our mother the real victim?

After weeks of crying, and feeling like absolute shit. I realized the answer was no. No, I am not the asshole. This was no longer on me. This is now on you.

For decades I brushed everything aside while you pleaded ignorance. I made excuses for you and was okay with you being complicit. But you're not just complicit (which is awful enough). You have become her enabler. Her biggest supporter. Her flying monkey.

Whenever she focused her toxic attention on you, I was there to shield you. When you came to me for help, I was there for you. But you were never there to lend your shoulder or even listen. When I needed you, you treated me like the enemy. She may have been the one who knocked me down, but YOU were always there to stomp on me.

I have spent years picking up what was left of my self-esteem. I have worked so hard to build healthy relationships and a life I am proud of. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time.

So to my sister -- I am done with you. I didn't expect your help, but I did expect some human decency. Fuck you. Fuck your enabling. And fuck your double standards.

Particularly to my BPD enabling sister.

"Family" is not a label we can use as an excuse to treat each other like shit, without consequences. Relationships are earned. I am not obligated to have a relationship with anyone who treats me like shit, regardless of their label.

For decades I brushed everything aside while you pleaded ignorance. I made excuses for you and was okay with you being complicit. But you're not just complicit (which is awful enough). You have become her enabler. Her biggest support. Her flying monkey.

I thought that after years of watching me suffer at the hands of our mother and the men she surround herself with, you would understand. Instead, you decided to punish me for my decision. And for awhile, I didn't understand why. For awhile, I thought I was the POS for "abandoning" her mother.

I kept thinking to myself --- I've been beat for years; I've been molested and slut-shamed by HER for being molested; I've been ridiculed by her my whole life; she has financially blackmailed me and fuck....I was promised off to our first cousin by our mother, for an illegal green card marriage. How is our mother the victim? How am I the asshole?

After weeks of crying, and feeling like absolute shit. I realized this wasn't me. This was you. You are her enabler. You have become her flying monkey.

Whenever she focused her toxic attention on you, I was there to shield you. When you came to me for help, I was there for you. But you were never there to lend your shoulder or even listen. When I needed you, you treated me like the enemy. She may have been the one who knocked me down, but you were always there to stomp on me.

The scope of activities where you can truly be a coward as, say, a minor or a kid or even a teen or 20-something is pretty small, simply because you usually don't have enough power to truly put anyone in danger by your action or inaction.

Parents though...as soon as you are old enough to have a kid, or are in a position of responsibility to someone in a workplace or the like, then the opportunity for cowardice appears.

There was a post on /r/all yesterday asking people who rage quit their jobs WHY they did that, and a good portion of the stories had cowardly managers throwing employees under the bus.

All of us who have gone NC, for example, are brave, because we're scared shitless to do it, but logically know we'll be better off afterwards, so we do it anyway and weather the extinction bursts and the fear of the "real world".

It actually still means the same thing. "Enabler" entered the more common vocabulary about 15-20 years ago as mental health professionals started looking at the dynamics of abuse. It literally means "to make able". So the enabler is the person who could stop the abuse, but chooses not to, making it possible and making them culpable in the eyes of the law.

I do like the older term "co- abuser" though. For lay persons, there's just no mistaking what that means.

It literally means "to make able". So the enabler is the person who could stop the abuse, but chooses not to, making it possible and making them culpable in the eyes of the law.

Yeah, I think we sometimes let enablers off easy because they weren't active abusers. But if an enabler "makes able" the abuse, then the abuse could not have happened without them.

Even in cases where coercion is involved, we don't deny the moral responsibility of the person who watches around the corner for police while a murder is taking place in a back alley. And what enablers do is analogous: they normalize, rug-sweep, lie, and defend for the abuser. And sometimes they deflect criticism against the abuser back on to the victim... at which point the line between enabler and abuser becomes very blurry indeed.

Your last paragraph. I'm in the middle of the decision of whether to go no contact with my dad (e) and stepmum (n), after a massive event this year. And your description of what enablers do, is so true. I really needed to hear it.

And some of them might be narcs as well. For years I thought that my dad was a dormat/enabler and wiped by my mum's narc abuse. My sister had kids and I saw him interact with my older nephew and I realized that he's not an enabler, he might be a narc, but an indifferent one who manipulates through money and lack of involvement in your life. If you never learn any skills, then you can't move away from them.

Mine likes to shove money down my throat even when I don't ask him for it "to buy myself some clothes" - despite dealing with a body wide fungal infection (aka, your job as a woman is to look pretty since you don't have the brains). I have recently gone through a rough break up, he didn't even say that he's sorry I had to deal with that. It's like my ex partner never existed.

Fuck...That's so awful. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that bullshit.

My mom constantly threatened to disinherit/disown me throughout my childhood and young adulthood. I can't imagine my sister's reaction would be much different than yours'. Can't help but just shake my head.

On the bright side, my friend reminded me that your "family" doesn't have to just include bio. We can find the family we always needed/wanted through our friends, who have earned our respect and loved us the way our bio family haven't. I hope you've built your own family too. <3

My mother is very religious, so I have had occasion to point out that in the eyes of her God she isn't technically even family anymore whereas my wife and I are "One Flesh". It's a fun verse to keep in the back pocket.

It took me a long time to really understand and appreciate that our family of choice (close friends or even in-laws), are just as important, if not more important than our birth families. These are people who chose to love us and protect us, even without "familial obligations". I rather surround myself with people who CHOOSE to love me and share no genetic relation, rather than people who CHOOSE to hurt me, but share the same genes.

That makes me so mad. As if you're responsible for the independent decisions of a supposedly functional adult. I think if anyone were to try that line on me, I'd respond, "If it were in my power to MAKE my nparent do anything, don't you think I would have MADE them treat me with love and respect?"

Hahaha grown-ass people who try to hold me responsible for not only my decisions but theirs too, can go pound sand. You is an adult. You choose for yourself. The rest is emotional blackmail, and I ain't got time for that bullshit. Not any more.

Whenever she focused her toxic attention on you, I was there to shield you. When you came to me for help, I was there for you. But you were never there to lend your shoulder or even listen. When I needed you, you treated me like the enemy. She may have been the one who knocked me down, but YOU were always there to stomp on me.

So to my sister -- I am done with you. I didn't expect your help, but I did expect some human decency.

Wow!! You took the words right out my mouth! Thank you for putting it so eloqeuntly.

Until my mom decided, for the first time ever, to slander the GC to all siblings and turn her into the SG.
In that instance it was like a lightbulb went off. She called me crying, apologizing for all the years she enabled, added, perpetuated the abuse. It was so easy to forgive her, almost too easy, because in so many ways, she was also abused (denied the right to healthy sibling relationships by being manipulated into flying-monkey).

This shit is so complicated. I'm not excusing abusive behavior, I'm just adding to the complexity.

You sound like my sister. As a kid I wasn’t the GC but I was a flying monkey. My sister was the SG. She went NC for 8yrs I didn’t realise how much I missed her until she reached out my NM didn’t want me talking to her but I did and I’m glad. It’s been 2 years now and she is my best friend. I’m now the SG but I don’t care it’s worth it for one decent relationship. I will always carry the guilt of not having her back when we were younger.

Right?! If anything, the familial label should encourage higher standards of how we're supposed to treat each other, not lower them. In this case, don't be a dick and abuse your goddamn kids/family. I genuinely think it's harder for you to constantly actively abuse someone, than it is to be indifferent/nice. Which is infuriating.

Was just about to post this sentiment as a top-level comment but yours covers it. Treating family members poorly doesn't mean the abuser should get a pass; it means it was that much worse for them to wrong their own family member.

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking to myself, “I didn’t actually post that and not remember did I?”

My dear ole sis knew I didn’t want my mother to know where I was and she told her my every move. I couldn’t figure out how she kept getting my info. I was naive to think she wouldn’t do that! I’m not no more!

Good for you for sticking up for yourself! If we don’t do it, who will?

You know, when I moved this last time my sister called me and was basically trying to get me to trust her like I have always done. This time I told her it didn’t matter, I had already given my Mom my new address. She was absolutely disappointed and I could hear it in her voice. It gave me my power back to be honest even tho I hadn’t told my mother anything and my sister still doesn’t know where I am but it kept her from trying and that’s really what bothered me so much. I’m not saying to give in it was just an observation I had this go around ;)

I second all of your emotions and feelings about enablers. I did love my mom and she gave me some sweetness and enough love to get by. But I have a white hot anger for how she enabled her husband, sister-in-law and grandmother to abused all the children in the family. I used to rationalize saying that my mom was a weak woman and just didn't want to get involved and such. But looking back now, she lets so much go that I have to at least process and honor my emotions of being pissed off at her. She never once stood up for the abuse that was happening and let my dad and them run rampid and emotionally abused everyone.

Wow. This sounds like me. I'm so sorry. I had a hard time too... then I realized she was complicit even with evidence. I remember that day when she got rid of the evidence. She was serious and then she gave up on us to leave us with the abuse.

Good on you! I'm so sad that you even had to doubt yourself, it's 100% obvious to any outsider that your mom is at fault!

I really hate this behavior that so many enablers have, this mentality of "Well the bad stuff isn't happening to ME, so..." and they stand by the N-parent or school bully or toxic individual at work or whomever, acting as cronies and flying monkeys, until the day that person turns on them and victimizes them instead, and then it's all "boo-hoo, help me!" and acting entitled to your support. And if they patch things up with that person, rest assured they will not have learned a thing and will go right back to being the flying monkey for that person again and treating you like you're the asshole.

Can anyone explain that mentality to me? Like why do they never learn that the N-parent/bully/abusive person in their lives will continue to hurt them off and on as the mood hits? Why do they only judge the abusive person when they themselves are the ones getting hurt, while being callous when the abusive person hurts others and looking down at the other victims as if they deserved it?

I do get the sense that the feel some sort of pride and emotional fulfillment from being the favorite or from being on the abusive person's good side, but if anyone knows more about this mentality, please break it down for me?

Ah, there's the crux. If they choose themselves over their kids safety it means something is wrong with the parent even if they keep saying the kid is the problem. Which is what they kept doing to me. Psychologists thought differently.

I think that's what made my "break up" with my sister so much more painful. It was because she had a brief taste of how toxic and devastating my mother can be, and instantly fled to me. It was nothing in comparison to my childhood (she was alway the GC) but it was enough to drive her into a manic depressive state. I was there to help her and mediate. I housed her, shielded her from my mother and reprimanded my mother for being an asshole. Then, once the storm had passed for her and my mother's attention shifted back to me, I became their common enemy.

How I'm trying to comfort myself now is by convincing myself that they deserve each other. And they really do. They drive each other mad. They chip away at each other's self esteem and enable each other. My only concern is that my mother may drive my sister into another manic depressive episode (now that I'm out of the picture) and it'll trigger a suicide attempt. That's my biggest fear....And it's the main reason why I doubt my decision to go NC.

With or without you, your sister will need to learn to manage her mental health issues with the assistance of her T’s and mental health support team, OK? Your presence or absence truly is not going to be a mitigating factor. I’m sure you understand that intellectually but emotionally it’s really hard. Do you realize that responsibility should never, ever have been your’s? And guess who off-loaded it to you and left you feeling responsible? It starts with Mommy-Dearest. You are not your sister’s meat shield. It is only when we remove ourselves from the Rescurer Role we come to understand how much responsibility we assumed which was never our’s to begin with-nor did we ever examine our underlying belief that it was. What makes you a “good” person is who you are inherently. Please take off your Superman/Woman cape: You’re fine just the way you are.

Enablers seem (maybe are) worse than the narcissists themselves, because whereas the former are more free to not enable the abusive behavior, the latter are just completely fucked up and probably have to struggle more to change.

The night I moved out my Nmom beat me to the ground and kicked me, when my Edad came around the corner and saw me crying on the pavement the only thing he said was “what did you do?” And my mom replied “you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
And he fucking just looked at me and said and did nothing. He looked at me and walked back inside.

He’s never been there for me. He’s always supported her or turned a blind eye. I literally begged him to let me use his phone to call someone because my Nmom ripped mine away from me. He did nothing to help me that night.
Weeks later he texted me saying that I’M THE ONE who needs to make things right with my mother. That she was heartbroken and traumatized over me leaving and that I needed to contact her and make it better.

After YEARS of covert abuse from her; telling me about my parents and parents friends sex lives, and countless other topics a 9 year old should never hear from their mother or have to comfort them over. Not having anyone to lean on for my emotional needs because I had to be my moms emotional support. My dad couldn’t/doesn’t know how to support his wife’s needs. So of course it’s still my job to make it better even after I’m gone because he can’t or won’t.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through that, and especially because the enabler/co-abuser was your father. As often as the enablers let us down, I can never help but just be so devastatingly disappointed and stunned. It's as if they've adopted the mentality of, "better them than me" that's being abused. And when you're no longer useful as a punching bag, you become the enemy. This is why the older I've gotten, the more I detest the idea of familial obligation and appreciate the few close friends I have so much more.

What is the point in putting the word family on a pedestal when for many of us (in this subreddit at least) have to rely so heavily on our friends to protect us and lean on, while our families try their best to destroy us. Family should be a word you embrace and a reason you love and protect each other more--- it should not something we use as a hall pass to hurt each other unconditionally.

I don’t care if you’re family or not, if you can’t treat me like family or even show me decent respect as a human being then you’ve lost the privilege of me “being there for you no matter what.” You’ve made the title “family” meaningless for me, and that’s entirely on you. Especially since for them, “being there for you” is just me being there for you to abuse. No thank you.

I see a psychiatrist for help with my mothers BPD and we have come to the harsh realization that I will eventually need to be NC with my ENTIRE family as they’re so toxic even if they don’t have BPD themselves. It was a frustrating thought but I was soon relieved having been validated in knowing that no, it is absolutely not wrong for me to cut them off as it isn’t on me, it’s on them, and it ALWAYS will be. Know that while maybe your biological family isn’t there for you you aren’t alone in what you’ve gone through. My mother did all the same to me sans cousin marriage. You have been so resilient and made it this far and you will continue to go even further in life, just keeping pushing as hard as it may be. Sending love!

Oh man...BPD is such a hard thing to navigate, because people who have be diagnosed with BPD are void of empathy and do really poorly in perspective-taking. To them everything is black-and-white. Paired with someone who has narcissism and loves to play the victim-card, you have the world's best abusive Dynamic Duo....The possibilities of what these two personality types can do to your self esteem are endless.

I feel I have to chime in here. I have a BPD diagnosis and I'm not devoid of empathy. My negative behaviours and personality traits which lead to my diagnosis was born from consistent abuse, neglect and abandonment from the very people who were supposed to care for me. I would never hurt anyone mentally or physically, it's just not who I am. I have been working in care with the elderly and adults and children with learning disabilities, I am now a student nurse I care about people a lot. Everyone is different and that includes people with a BPD diagnosis.

With that being said I am really sorry to hear of your own experiences with your family. I too have NC from my parents and Brother due to how they treated me. This is your decision and should have no bearing on what your sister feels about the situation, you need to do what's best for your health and your future, It took me a long time to realise this. Stay strong.

I deleted my original comment about BPD and lack of empathy (it was still showing up on my end). That was my bad and I am so sorry if I offended anyone with BPD. None of us should ever make blanket statements including myself. My understanding of BPD is still very shallow and I will do better to further educate myself to avoid unintentional spread of misinformation.

I deleted my original comment about BPD and lack of empathy. That was my bad and I am so sorry if I offended anyone with BPD. My understanding of it is very shallow and I will do better to further educate myself to avoid unintentional spread of misinformation.

OP, I have removed this comment. You make a blanket statement about BPD and inability to feel empathy that is not accurate. We try not to spread misinformation. The profile of BPD does not necessarily include a lack of empathy. That trait is a hallmark of some other personality disorders, but not BPD. I don't doubt that you suffered under your sister's lack of empathy, though. We do have really many members with BPD in this subreddit, and very many of them have empathy, are struggling to overcome being abused, and are working hard to break abusive patterns. Please be mindful that your sister is not exemplary of all persons with BPD, and do not make sweeping statements in this manner. Thank you.

Ah crap...That fucking sucks. I know that feeling. I once had to act as a translator for my uncle's victim (he had cornered her and beaten her), I was 12 and close to her. When my mother and aunt found out, I was essentially crucified. I remember being compared to Karla Homolka and being told I was tearing the family apart.

TLDR: holy shit me too. Like, samsies and I'm very heartbroken about it. Thanks for posting, I'm still trying to let go of an enabler who also happens to be my sister.

Thank you so much for posting this. A year ago, my mom offered to "help me" when I got in a really bad financial place after graduation. She treated me horribly (big surprise /s). For the first time in my life I could not provide for her and my sister. My mom decided to turn my sister against me, and it worked. No matter how much abuse my sister saw from my mom and her endless string of lovers (sexual, physical, verbal), all it took was a little nudge and suddenly I was the bad guy. Because I needed a moment to be selfish.

I had also just gone through a bad break up and a difficult place in life, and I really needed love and emotional support.

I have been mourning my sister for a year. Fuck my mom and my ex. Those were toxic relationships from the start ... But my sister was horribly abused just like me. We had been close after a difficult childhood and years of estrangement. She was supposed to be my friend. I was always there for her, especially financially and emotionally. After the way I was raised she was really the only person who, in my heart, I considered family. I made excuses for her for some shitty behavior. She's bipolar. She's been on drugs and never held down a job. Still. I sincerely thought she was good at heart and loved me. I honestly didn't ever for a second think that she might abandon me too.

I Reply: "okay, well I get it. Life is hectic. I hope to hear from you soon."

Two weeks later here I am. What a foolish, disposable piece of shit. I never stopped missing her. I still love her. I cannot abide though. I do NOT have it in me to face that heartache again. Not anytime soon. I have no heart to be the bigger person. I cannot, WILL NOT subject myself for a moment longer to a relationship that is not equal in effort.

When she calls and needs me again I'm afraid I won't be there. I'm afraid soon I'll be moving and changing my number, and at this point without effort that I sincerely doubt they have, I'll be lost to them forever, and as much as that kills me, and the thought moves me to tears I really can't say that I see them crying over it. It fucks me up everyday and I have no idea how to get over it. Having lost them after the effort I put in after also just having my heart broken... Honestly I'm traumatized.

Here's a tough pill to swallow folks: if you have abandonment issues you might seek relationships where people are dependent on you. See in your mind, if they need you and you're amazing to them, they're less likely to leave you, especially if your parents conditioned you to enable them. In reality, they're using you and the second you don't cater to their every whim, they will leave you. It's exactly what you don't want AND you could be doing it to yourself. My whole world collapsed on me at once because everyone I loved was a neurotic, awful mess... And when I needed my family the most, no one was there for me.

To end on a positive note I have a great job now, and a lot of very close friends. I have a really great boyfriend who has been through similar trauma and is really good with emotional support. We also equally share financial and household responsibilities, which is a nice change for me. I'm doing okay. The emotional part of life is really hard for me sometimes, but I can cope because I have a better support system now. Now if something bad happened to me, I'd know who to turn to. I have people who love me, not just for what I offer.

I'm so happy for you and your success! You've hit the nail on the head when you described how unhealthy relationships can get when you or the other person become very dependent. Relationships should not be about how much value someone has to offer. They should be much more complex and meaningful. Most importantly, relationships should work both ways. When a relationship is treated like a transaction, it's time to leave. I'm proud of you for having the strength to leave and build yourself a life that you are genuinely happy and proud of. <3

I'm so happy for you and your success! You've hit the nail on the head when you described how unhealthy relationships can get when you or the other person is very dependent. Relationships should not be about how much value someone has to offer. They should be much more complex and meaningful. Most importantly, relationships should work both ways. When a relationship is treated like a transaction, it's time to leave. I'm proud of you for having the strength to leave and build yourself a life that you are genuinely happy and proud of. <3

It’s taken me 50 yrs to call BS on blood is thicker than water. Good luck. I’ve had to go NC with my mother and her entire family. It was hard at first.
But I’ve finally found peace. I hope you do also. Sending a mom hug.

Yes, I agree. Someone had once told me that before. I’m pretty sure my cousin threw that back in his mother’s face when she pulled that one on him. I have found a great family of friends where I live now. Couldn’t be happier. A friend once told me that guilt is the only man made emotion. That was a real brain buster for me.

Thank you for your thoughts and hugs! I'm so proud of you for your strength to remain NC. It's true, it definitely hurts at first (still does for me) and the experience is so similar to mourning a death of a family member. It's devastating and the whole process makes you doubt your decision to go NC. I still have doubts about my own decision on a daily basis. Sending you lots of warm thoughts and love!

It is a daily struggle for sure. I always think if I’m being a good human by going NC. But when it physically puts you at risk and your own little family (husband & daughter) suffer because of it, it helps rationalize why NC is necessary.
I wish you the best!!

Good for you for recognizing her toxic behavior. I feel the same way about my siblings. My sister received the most abuse, but after she moved out, it all got thrown onto me. Now my sister is my Nmom’s flying monkey and my brother puts up with my Nmom’s behavior because he’s the golden child. Sometimes you just have to distance yourself from both your abuser and their helpers.

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It's incredible how almost every one of us has the same exact type of family members. It's scary, sad but also relieving that I'm constantly reminded on here that I'm not alone. Thank you for your first sentence about how Family isn't a title someone can use to abuse/treat like garbage. Thank you. I've literally never seen that being said in words before.

I was just telling my husband this a few minutes ago. The response from this subreddit has been so overwhelmingly helpful and very validating. But on the downside, it's so disheartening to know this is much more common than I anticipated. People should not be okay with treating each other like shit. And even more importantly, people should not stand by and watch other's be mistreated. What is worse: the coward or the perpetrator? I'm not really sure.

Yeah it's always so sad to see that there are many people out there in almost the exact situation, if not already. I told myself that I'd never ever be like my parents or my siblings. I don't understand how people can treat someone else so poorly without even thinking about how they may feel. I'm also 100% agreeing you with you on the coward/perpetrator thing.

I think the blessing is that our family members (enablers and abusers) have taught us how to NOT treat other people. I live my life firmly following three rules: be kind, pay it forward and tip well. :)

The parent who set up the dynamics initially. They are IMO entirely accountable for setting up their own personal “colosseum” and demanding their kids assume roles as gladiators to one another-for the parent’s “entertainment.”

My Nmom would cite the Chinese traditions and use the fact that she "gave me life" to turn the whole family on me to guilt trip me into living whatever way she wants me to live. Imagine that, not just using her biological role as a mother to justify for all wrongdoings but my ancestors' fucking culture legit supports it, there is basically no such thing as being wrong as soon as you become a parent. Ain't that fucked. And me as a ACoN alone cannot change what 5000 years of history couldn't. So what choice do I have.

You keep building your life and just remember, people who shame you or guilt trip you for cutting off your sister or mom, I wouldn't go so far to label them as co-abusers like other have because giving them the benefit of the doubt they could just be unfamiliar with your situation or the history of your relationship because your mom has told them otherwise, but it doesn't matter if they are simply ignorant, if they are co-abusers, enablers or if they are just cowards who side with the abusers because they need to survive too even if it came at the expense of your sanity and happiness, the truth is none of them matters, as soon as someone sides with them, you don't have to hate them but just treat them as if they do not exist. Like my grandparents or relatives will never ever say my mom did anything wrong, not because they're assholes and abusers but because they live off of her income. I sort of look at them like zombies, in order to survive, they gotta do the same as your mom and sister, if it meant cutting the whole family off then well that's that. You deserve all the best and if they're not on the same page then there's no point to keep them in your life. I wish you all the best OP. Remember, they're just zombies, disgusting and imperfect just like others can be, the fact that they're family doesn't mean shit.

Quite literally a snippet of a text I got from my NM last week after holding my own boundries.

"Well I will give you one more, I will not call you again. That way you can tell everyone this is my fault and you can sleep at night. I am doing just fine. I have someone else to talk to and she never judges me. Boy you must really think you are something to be so fucking important that I can't live my life without your help. I have worked my life on my own more than once and I will continue to do it. with or without you. Ya I think you are right. You don't need any of your family."

That "other person" is my sister. Who is her pride and joy now.

Guess what? They can have each other.

I do feel bad for my sister, I feel like she can't see the abuse and is still very much sucked in.

I’m sorry. And I understand and I’m proud of you. On my 25th Birthday I went NC with my sister. For years I thought she was a fellow SC. And she was, but she was also a Narc and an abuser in her own right.

I never saw her again. She died 18 years later. It was one of my best decisions.

I hope I have your strength to remain NC. I currently have a lot of pressure on me by my in-laws and extended relatives to resume contact. And I understand why, because they're not aware of the extent of the abuse. But I don't have the strength to tell everyone my story yet, and I'm worried I won't have the strength to really buckle down and stay firm on my decision.

I don’t know if this is true for you, but I have never had any trouble protecting others. It was myself I could never stand up for or defend. I was conditioned to think that was selfish or mean.

I remember vividly who I was and how I thought as a child. A clear picture in my head. Sometimes clear enough for dialogue. I learned to call in my mind to the little girl I was at 11, and 9, and 6. I’ve come to love them, as I was never allowed to just love myself when I Was them. I can love those photocopies of my child selves, and that gives me a way around the brainwashing I received.

Each time my family attempted to Hoover me back in and resume the family role of scapegoat, I could resist, because I was protecting those little girls. I was remaining strong and resolute to protect the child I was and the parts that remained. But I need to think of them as separate, or I would falter.

I do have a hard time defending myself but have a tendency to protect others (especially strangers) almost instinctively. I'm noctorious for getting in the middle of random physical alterations in an attempt to escort victims away or just to prevent things from escalating. It has gotten my ass handed to me by strangers this year but I will never be able to kick my habit of trying to rescue others.

That makes me so much more intrigued by your idea of convincing myself to protect the girl I was in order to be more willing to defend myself. This is something I have never ever considered or even thought about. Thank you a thousand times over!

This. And you know what, after all those years of taking the beatings, and put downs to shield other family members, all it accomplished was to make them feel like I deserved it. They wouldn’t tolerate my nmom’s behavior for one second if it was directed towards them or their kids. There would be no excuse for her behavior. I’m the only one who is required to overlook and forgive her.

Thank you for saying what I wish I'd had the courage to tell my abusive, narcissistic wife during our marriage of 10 years. She also enabled her narcissistic mother and father to abuse me emotionally and financially. Which is what makes her an enabler.

This!!! All of it! Verbatim!! I could have written this... my sister is always throwing the “well she is your mom and she has changed since moving up here with me, she has changed” line at me. Guilt tripping no longer works on me...

I have an enabling brother and I feel for you. When I look back on it, he also bullied me with her approval but I didn't want to admit it. What you went through was awful, I can't even imagine. Fuck her and fuck all of you flying monkeys. You can all go to hell.

Currently going through the same struggle with my own sister. I decided to go NC about two years ago, and even though she was aware of my decision up ahead and claimed she supported me over all this time she keeps doing all this. Every time we call, I end up crying because she just ignores my boundaries and enabling/futhering my Nparents agenda.

I decided to ease up on my contact with her but this week I got a message that my grandmother is suffering medical issues so I have little choice than to contact her again this week. Been putting it off..

This right here. Yes, she is my mom, but, I am her child. She decided to give me life yes, that does not mean I'm on this earth to make her life what she wants it to be, I am not here to be an object. I am her child, her "pride and joy" her "baby", why do I deserve to be treated like an object or a stepping stone? I don't, I deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. I am not less than anyone else.

Why is it okay for people to say “fuck enablers” every day in this “support group”?! Do you not realize that codependents are enablers?? In the narcissistic relationship, the codependent is the enabler. It’s pretty fucked up that this is ENABLED by mods in this group.

OP is talking about the frustration and anger towards their enabling family members, this is something we allow if it doesn't go over the line. If OP were saying horrendous things (like they should be attacked or killed), we would step in, but in this case OP is venting and their statements don't sound outrageous at this point in time.

I understand this topic can be triggering for some people and if you feel this is a thread that doesn't sit well with you, I suggest taking some time away to do some self care. If you'd like to discuss this with the mods, send modmail.

"Pleading ignorance" rings a bell. Also try my E sisters other says of: "I try to remember only the good times" or "It was God's will they way we were treated." I could not have said the end any better.

Respectfully: everyone who is a victim endures their own pain, in their conscious isolation, and their pain is their right. Your pain is your pain, and no one else can ever take power to tell you how much or little it is to you as a person.

Truthfully, I don't feel that there's enough information in the post to really flesh out what is driving this evaluation of your sister as having transitioned fro victim to enabler one way or another. What is certain is that you are hurting, and you disagree with her. From experience, I am always a little wary when labels of victimhood or complicity are applied or changed by conflict, when the name of the game for the Nparent is divide and conquer, no? Sometimes, GC means in truth "appears less effectively destroyed, easily faulted", enabling is redefined to, "doesn't act against the Narc with the fury or zealousness I prefer", and the net sum of the game has been that some victims have made it a rule that their position with the Narc is the obvious, only possible position, and anything else proves shared culpability. The individual who is possibly least affected in reality? The Narc. I just hate to see the village get burned as a way to supposedly save it and no positive improvement has been applied. I pray that this makes sense to people, and that my honest, good intentions as a survivor of narcissistic abuse is believed.

While I agree manifestly the N appears to be the least affected, their evil is contagious: It effects every member of that family. When love, care, affection and attention are consistently “parceled out” as if they are finite “resources,” I also agree it sets up Divide and Conquer among the siblings. However, self-defense is our most primal Right and thus, removing oneself from individuals still embroiled in the family dynamics is not “burning down the village.” It is escaping yet another previously unidentified arsonist who is seeking targets of opportunity. Many of these “parents” who ultimately are Estranged by one or more of their children claim they also were abused-and one would think they would have internalized that experience and not go on to perpetrate the same on their children. Some do, some choose instead to emulate their abuser. And this applies to siblings in n abusive/neglectful family system as well. To be sure, I appreciate your insightful comment re: Divide and Conquer and the potential to recreate that dynamic when siblings and NC are involved. One does not have to insist on their own way as the “right way” or perspective regarding their sibling. Nonetheless, that siblings (for many reasons) become “mini-me’s” of their abusers is unfortunately not uncommon. Thanks again for your comment and observations. Much appreciated!

I am absolutely in agreement with you on the subject of Nparents claiming childhood experiences with estranged parents inadvertently demonstrating a poor learning curve and a stunted capacity to internalize educational experience. I am sure as with all things that there are exceptions, but...

I am also agreeing that NC is not only necessary sometimes but also a force for unforseen good. It's very personal, and I feel the decision is to be afforded a great deal of respect.

These posts where users announce their decision for a NC policy are so terribly heart-rending and saddening even in the best of conditions. No one has to justify anything to me, but I do hope that, since it's announced, it is as well thought-out as possible. Sometimes lately I am saddened to get the impression that they are not. A thought process like that you have demonstrated above. Thanks!

I've removed your comment. I have put up a mod comment reminding everyone not to bash people with BPD. That said, please do not critique the OP for a single statement, while disregarding that they are here to seek support. If you see posts that break subreddit rules, please hit the report button so that the mods can take appropriate action.

I just removed another one of your comments, it appears as though this thread is making you very angry so it's time for you to stop commenting under the post. As my other mod comment said, if you feel this thread needs to be discussed with the mods, please send modmail.

In no way, shape or form am I targeting you, I'm a mod that is dealing with rule breaking comments. You responding to another mod and reported the mod's comment so I stepped in.

You continue to be aggressive, lash out at mods and you are reporting mod comments for no reason, that isn't okay. I told you to take a step back from this discussion and you refuse to so you are now being temp banned for a week.

In the next week, I strongly suggest you read our rules so when you come back, we don't have the same issues. If you repeatedly break our rules, it will result in a permanent ban.

Please refrain from making sweeping generalizations about people with BPD. The OP's sister is abusive. In her case, unmanaged BPD has led to abusive behaviour, and the OP has bourne the consequences. That said, many people with BPD are aware of their issues, have been abused themselves and are working hard to overcome their maladaptive behaviours. Very many people in this subreddit have BPD, diagnosed or undiagnosed. People with BPD are not inherently abusive. Some are, some are not. Please do not make blanket condemnations of people with BPD. Comments that bash BPD indiscriminately will be removed.