A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG

It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well,
remember, since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the
Brite land of Jold. While crossin the Planes all so bold I
fell in with sum noble red men of the forest (N. B. This is
rote Sarcasticul. Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which
thay Sed I was their Brother, & wantid for to smoke the
Calomel of Peace with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef,
blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin grinder & scooted
with a Wild Hoop. Durin the Cheaf's techin speech he sed he
shood meet me in the Happy Huntin Grounds. If he duz thare
will be a fite. But enuff of this ere. Reven Noose
Muttons, as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent into
him, cussy-cally obsarve.

I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there
was a lot of U. S. sojers, hosstensibly sent out thare to
smash the mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play
poker & other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I
got acquainted with sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty
scrumpshus in their Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um
& ware very talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin is
consarned I'd willingly put my wax figgers agin the hull
party.

My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake
City, so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung
the mormins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and
onfurl my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a
austeer manner for a few minits, and sed:

"Do you bleeve in Soloman, Saint Paul, the
immaculateness of the Mormin Church and the Latter-day
Revelashuns?"

Sez I, "I'm on it!" I make it a pint to git along
plesunt, tho I didn't know what under the Son the old
feller was drivin at. He sed I mit show.

He sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his
famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind minglin
with the fair Seck & Barskin in the winnin smiles of
his interestin wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum.
The house is powerful big & in a exceedin large room
was his wives & children, which larst was squawkin and
hollerin enuff to take the roof rite orf the house. The
wimin was of all sizes and ages. Sum was pretty & sum
was plane -- sum was helthy and sum was on the Wayne --
which is verses, tho sich was not my intentions, as I don't
'prove of putting verses in Proze rittins, tho ef occashun
requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any of them Atlantic
Munthly fellers.

"My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.

"Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer
which a red-heded female brawt me.

"Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed
Yung, "I hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated
land which air Sealed to me."

"Which?" sez I, gittin up & starin at him.

"Sealed, Sir! sealed."

"Whare bowts?" sez I.

"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed!" He spoke in a
traggerdy voice.

"Will they probly continner on in that stile to any
grate extent, Sir?" I axed.

"Sir," sed he furnin as red as a biled beet, "don't you
know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit,
may hev as meny wives as I wants?"

"Jes so," I sed. "You are old pie, ain't you?"

"Them as is Sealed to me -- that is to say, to be mine
when I wants um -- air at present my sperret-ooul wives,"
sed Mister Yung.

"Long may they wave!" sez I, seein I shood git into a
scrape ef I didn't look out.

In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the
follerin fax: It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He
don't do it only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor
cleanin house. He don't pretend to know his children, thare
is so many of um, tho they all know him. He sez about every
child he meats call him Par, & he takes it for grantid
it is so. His wives air very expensiv. Thay allers want
suthin & ef he don't buy it for um thay set the house
in a uproar. He sez he don't have a minit's peace. His
wives fite amung theirselves so much that he has bilt a
fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em
get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, whare
the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London
prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individooally. They
hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he
wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with
mop-handles, broom-sticks and sich. Occashunly they git mad
& scald him with bilin hot water. When he get eny waze
cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly
whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare
orfsprings git onruly. Sum-times when he went in swimmin
thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all his
close, thereby com-pellin him to sneek home by a sircootius
rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv. "I
find that the keers of a marrid life way hevy onto me," sed
the Profit, "& sumtimes I wish I'd remaned singel." I
left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up
to. On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons,
which they surroundid me & statid that they were goin
into the Show free.

"Wall," sez I, "ef I find a individooal who is goin
round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you
know."

"We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Ward's Show
without payin nothin!" thay showtid.

"Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me
by the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, "we're
all going in free! So sez the Revelashun!"

"What's Old Revelashun got to do with my Show?" sez I,
gittin putty rily. "Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin
myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery
krowd with a prowd & defiant mean," tell Mister
Revelahsun to mind his own bizness, subject only to the
Konstitushun of the United States!"

"Whiltist thou not tarry hear in the Promist Land?" sed
several of the miserabil critters.

"Ile see you all essenshally cussed be 4 I wiltists!"
roared I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul non-cents.
I girded up my Lions and fled the Seen. I packt up my duds
& left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum &
Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin & onpriniopled a set
of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe.