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Prince William turned 32 on Saturday. The father, husband and second in line to the throne of England is still no closer to figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up despite the birthright he still views as a birthwrong. Today he wants to be a helicopter pilot, perhaps tomorrow he’ll want to be a cowboy. Prince William is a man of many interests, none of which appear to be his role as a future king.

As a child, Prince William would notoriously stomp his feet and scream, “I don’t want to be king.” As a teenager his outbursts against his inherited role were chalked up to teenage rebellion. He resented both the media and his protection detail, shouting at both, “Why won’t you just let me be a normal person?” When Wills aged past the age of hormonally-explained dissent, Prince Charles attempted to instill in him a sense of duty, resorting to getting third parties like protection officers to convince the petulant prince to embrace his destiny as king. Now thirty-two, Prince William’s defiance involves less kicking, but he still appears just as reluctant to accept his destiny, a destiny for which his own mother believed that his brother Harry was better suited.

It’s anticipated that Prince William will soon announce that he’s accepted a position as a pilot for East Anglian Air Ambulance and that he, Kate and Prince George will ditch their digs in Kensington Palace which just cost taxpayers $6.8 million to renovate in order to take up residence at Anmer Hall, a hundred and twenty miles north of London. So much for Kensington Palace being their primary residence. So much for assuming more royal responsibilities. So much for a lot of things.

The helicopter pilot gig has been maybe happening since April. The timing of the announcement coinciding with the release of the Kensington Palace renovation report makes me even more suspicious that William the Reluctant is becoming William the Destroyer, blasting as many holes in the monarchy as he can before he attempts to sink it. Perhaps the Republican Movement simply isn’t moving fast enough for his taste so Prince William is trying to annihilate the monarchy from the inside.

Throughout his life, Prince William has approached his role as future king with contempt that’s worn many veils, but the underlying issue has always remained the same, Prince William despises being watched. Realistically, there will always be some level of interest in Prince William either for who he will be or who he could have been. Whether historically remembered as William the Reluctant or William the Destroyer, the only privilege Wills wasn’t born with was the option to be irrelevant.

This past year was labeled a transitional year by the Palace to explain why Prince William, now in his thirties, is still balking over becoming a full-time royal. Perhaps like his wife, Kate, Prince William is allergic to things he doesn’t want to do. Prince William couldn’t even make it through a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge without taking two vacations. The royal tour of Australia and New Zealand was laughably light on scheduled events, his calendar of official engagements has been as sparse as the hair on top of the heir’s head and now he’s taking another giant step away from the throne with this decision to play pilot. He can’t have the perks without the responsibilities, he’s either in or he’s out. So why is he still being considered for the job of king when he so clearly doesn’t want the only part of it that’s beneficial to the people of the UK?

There are those who believe that if Prince William removes himself from the line of succession, the British Monarchy wouldn’t survive, an opinion rumored to be shared by the Queen. It’s also been suggested that William only presently endures his loathsome role out of deference to his grandmother. Wait, so Wills has actually been on his best behavior? I shudder to think what his worst behavior looks like but I imagine it involves plushy orgies, paintball tournaments in Buckingham Palace and Wills riding around on an armored tiger with his robe open and a butter knife raised above his head proclaiming, “I have the power.”

Whether he leaves or stays, it appears more and more likely that the end of the British monarchy will come at the hands of Mr. Kate Middleton. Prince William’s decision to postpone his destiny by at least another year undermines the future of the British monarchy as taxpayers struggle to see the value in a prince who is more interested in leading a private life than becoming king. Money from the Sovereign’s Grant that should be spent on upkeep of the palaces is instead being allocated to appease the petulant prince and his lazy wife to the outrage of many taxpayers. The new helicopter that will be used to shuttle the Duke and Duchess of Doolittle to official engagements from Anmer Hall comes out of the Sovereign’s Grant despite Windsor Castle and Buckingham Palace being in urgent need of repairs. Priceless art and artifacts are in danger of being destroyed by leaky roofs while the whims of Prince William and Kate are being catered to. If the Firm is unable to adequately manage itself, how effectively can it serve the people of the United Kingdom? Should the future of the monarchy really be in the hands of someone who is so disinterested in it? Perhaps it’s better to take their chances with a King Harry who genuinely has a sense of duty rather than a man who is woefully unprepared to be first in line to the throne and take over the Duchy of Cornwall.

I just want to say a quick thanks to gingerboy24 of Royal Gossip for posting the link to my blog. I’ve tried to join Royal Gossip in the past to thank individuals for their support, but the forum wisely wouldn’t have me as a member. And of course, thank you to temi for always being wonderful amazing you!

I feel bad, Kate Middleton has created two huge shiny new controversies for me to blog about and I didn’t get her anything. But what do you get the girl who does next to nothing? In honor of Kate’s new ass bodyguard, perhaps I should send the Duchmess a bag of M&Ms printed with a rendering of her bare ass? I played around on the mymms site with a rendition of the Bild image ***Bare Bum Warning*** and Kate’s exposed rear on the candy that melts in your mouth and not on your hands would look something like this:

Of course, mymms probably has some rule against making ass candy. Maybe her brother’s custom marshmallow company, Boomf, would do it, though. Never hurts to ask.

Pretty much every media outlet is running the story that Kate Middleton will now have a “female minder” to stop her bared bum from being photographed. There are so many things wrong with this story that I’ve been curious if this is some elaborate news prank because if it’s actually true, then the Royal Advisors have been secretly replaced with Androids by the Republican movement. I can only assume Pippa was the prototype for these Androids.

Some media outlets are calling this female minder Kate’s butt bodyguard which is terribly inelegant. I prefer bootyguard. The bootyguard’s job will be to keep new photos of Kate’s bare ass out of newspapers, magazines and online. So basically this bootyguard’s function will be to cover Kate’s ass.

Already I’m picturing some slow-motion movie sequence where this poor bootyguard sees Kate’s hemline lift with a breeze, turns and sees cameras poised, there’s a POV close-up of a photographer’s finger slowly bending as it starts to press the shutter release and the bootyguard yells, “Noooooooooooooooo” as she dives in front of Kate’s bared bum to take the photographic bullet.

Stories have been quoting The Star’s source, “Kate will now be watched all the time. We can’t afford any more embarrassing photos like this.”

Kate, known as Kate Middlebum at Marlborough College because she would moon boys to become more popular, had an identical bare bum flash at the Calgary airport right after her wedding and several other embarrassing exposures in the three years she’s been a duchess. By hiring a bootyguard, Buckingham Palace is admitting Kate is incapable of keeping herself covered. So either she’s so incompetent, she’s unable to crack the correlation between windy conditions and lifted hemlines and/or incapable of putting on her own underwear or she’s an exhibitionist who gets perverse pleasure in exposing herself to strangers. Whether the cause of the issue is incompetence or exhibitionism, apparently it’s so deeply ingrained that the recourse was a bodyguard for her ass. The hiring of the professional ass minder of course means that when Kate exposes herself next time, there will be an appropriate scapegoat to blame since the wind has repeatedly refused to surrender itself to the proper authorities.

Most of us had already gotten all the bare ass puns out of our system so what Buckingham Palace has done is refocus our attention firmly back on Kate’s bum by creating this position. There’s a whole new wave of internet ridicule, plus the occasional cheeky response from men who wouldn’t mind watching Kate’s ass all day like this one that appeared after a Jezebel story:

Another commenter remarked:

The bootyguard will also reportedly be employed for private and public outings. Most of Kate’s outings are private ones, she logged only four official events this year before the New Zealand/Australia Royal Vacation Tour marred by two separate flashing incidents and only one following her disappearance for five weeks out of the public eye. The British media has restrictions with private photographs so really this around-the-clock butt watch seems a bit asinine.

Buckingham Palace is said to have given the response it doesn’t comment on security. The classification of the bootyguard as security means that the position would be funded by the taxpayer, not the Royal Family. So not only are Kate’s continuous indecent exposures the fault of what the Palace would like us to believe is a paparazzi/wind conspiracy, but now taxpayers have to pay the salary of an ass minder? Seriously, did underwear even get batted around as an answer to the Commando Kate Dilemma? Taxpayers also funded the nine person security team that protected the duchess when she broke an international boycott by attending her cousin’s wedding at the Dorchester, one of the properties owned by the Sultan of Brunei.

The Sultan of Brunei has recently enacted law to increase the punishment for homosexuality from ten years of imprisonment to death by stoning, amputation penalties for theft and the death penalty for adultery. Outraged celebrities have been calling for a boycott of the luxury properties owned by the Sultan, including the Dorchester Hotel in London, The Beverly Hills Hotel (including the famed Hollywood hotspot The Polo Lounge) in Beverly Hills, The Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, Le Meurice in Paris and Coworth Park in Ascot where Princes William and Harry played polo this weekend. Those who are boycotting properties owned by the Sultan include Jay Leno, Ellen Degeneres, Richard Branson, Ryan Seacrest, Stephen Fry, Clive Davis, Jackie Collins, Paul McCartney, Stella McCartney, Sharon Osbourne, Anna Wintour, Vogue’s editors and numerous others, including Kate’s soul sister Kim Kardashian.

The Duchess arrived to the wedding in a blacked-out SUV which drove into an underground parking lot where she snuck through a side entrance to avoid the press, perhaps hoping she’d get away with this without media catching on, after all she’s pulled off secret ski vacations. Her security being upped from her usual four to nine shows how aware the Royal Family was about the effect of her presence would have at a hotel in the press because of its links to human rights violations and the added security concerns of being in a venue that has sparked so much outrage. A Daily Mail source revealed, “The wedding was a big boost for the hotel. It shows that the royals will not let the Brunei business keep them away.”

Her attendance was seen as giving her royal support to the Sultan’s hotel. And taxpayers paid for five additional Scotland Yard protection officers, the price of Kate courting controversy.

Kate went to the Dorchester for her cousin’s wedding. On the one hand, it’s family, but on the other hand it’s family and family understands. My family knows I’m passionate about animal rights, education and gay rights and I stand by my convictions. There are stores where I won’t shop and products I won’t buy if I’m uncomfortable with how the company does business or I’m bothered by how the product is manufactured. Of all my boycotts, Barilla was the hardest. The chairman made some anti-gay comments in September 2013 which they have since had to back-pedal on because of the consumer backlash. It was hard to go cold-turkey on Barilla, there’s probably still grocery store security footage of me standing in front of the pasta section wailing, “Whhhyyyyyy???? Why do you have to be so closed-minded, delicious pasta makers? Whhhyyyyyy?” But I just couldn’t support Barilla, especially given that the few recipes I actually know how to make were taught to me by a gay friend. The reason why people boycott products and services is because boycotting works.

As much as I disagree with Kate’s support of the hotel through her attendance, I find Prince William’s and Prince Harry’s attendance at the Audi Polo Challenge at Coworth Park even more reprehensible. At least Kate had the courtesy to try to avoid being detected, the Princes openly engaged in the match. At least I think sneaking in is better, honestly it’s really hard to tell anymore which is the worst of the worst, it’s like 50 Shades of Unconscionable with that family. This isn’t the first time Wills and Kate have been linked to countries accused of heinous human rights violations, the Maldives where the couple vacationed earlier this year has been criticized for its punishing rape victims for the crime of pre-marital sex, its harsh religious restrictions and laws making homosexuality punishable by death. In May Prince Harry also broke the ban on the Dorchester hotel by hosting the 10th anniversary of his Sentebale Charity there recently. In March it was announced that lithographs of twenty of Prince Charles’ watercolor landscapes are earmarked to be displayed at the Dorchester Hotel as part of the revamp slated to be completed at the end of the year. Really human rights violations don’t seem to be a big deal for the British Royal Family.

Kate’s bottom might not be used for good after all. Mayor Mark Greenhill has stated that he will reject the donation from the sale of Kate Middleton’s bare bum photo to the Blue Mountains Bushfire Mayoral Relief Fund. Sorry, anyone’s life who has been destroyed by the brushfire, politicians have deemed it more important to appear to support the agenda of a serial flasher than help you.

So many charities are struggling with getting funding, I was shocked that the mayor said thanks, but no thanks. I hope that those who would have benefited got a vote in the matter and that they said we stand on principal, we don’t need a home, our righteous indignation is all the shelter we need.

Despite all her bare bum controversy, Kate showed up for all three events today, arriving in Scotland on Wednesday night with Prince William and staying at the Gleneagles Hotel. Without adorable Prince Grumpy Cat. Which raises the question, what is so hard about shaking hands and collecting flowers that they need quiet time away as a couple to prepare? I realize they don’t do many events, but are they so out of practice they need some alone time together to work on syncing up their royal waves? Or do they have to power train for days when more than one event is scheduled by passing a bunch of flowers back and forth to each other while maneuvering an obstacle course sideways? The overnight had been planned for a while so it wasn’t an emergency summit arranged by the Queen called How To Keep Peasants From Seeing Your Lady Parts.

At 10am, the Lazy Duo arrived at Strathearn Community Campus where Prince William chatted up the crew of Scotland’s Charity Air Ambulance while Kate spoke to some gathered Brownies, Girl Scouts, Cubs, Guides and Rainbows and watched the Scouts give a demonstration on making Scottish pancakes. At 11am, the couple then headed to Crieff Macrosty Park, where Prince William unveiled a plaque, after which Will and Kate spent about twenty minutes shaking hands and collecting gifts. Then Prince William and Kate were given a tour of the Famous Grouse Distillery where they sampled whiskey, putting to rest all recent rumors that the Duchess was pregnant with a girl, twins, and twin girls at least for the next couple of hours when the whole speculation cycle will begin anew.

The Mirror and commenters on Daily Mail noted that the crowds were small:

Kate limited her interactions to mostly children which spared her from having to respond to the question that kept popping up in the comment section of the Daily Mail.

Despite her Jonathan Saunders coat getting mixed reviews, it was reported to have sold out immediately.

I was actually surprised this was the look that was chosen for Kate. And by “chosen”, I mean possibly super-glued to her skin by one unamused monarch. First of all, red is the color of passion, and normally not the go-to hue after a photo scandal. The fabric’s texture reminded me of a horse blanket, the whole thing just seemed like it a misguided attempt to pay homage to that famous Farrah Fawcett picture taken by Bruce McBroom. The color of the coat looks like it drew its inspiration from the bathing suit while the blanket used for the backdrop was used to decide the fabric for the latest in human equine wear. To me it just felt like the pockets probably came stuffed with sugar cubes for Sea Biscuit.

Kate also wore a small circular Celtic brooch that often wound up hidden by her hair. It didn’t go with the coat and was so oddly placed, it made me wonder if was covering a hole or stain or if the brooch had a small hidden camera in it so the Queen could watch the events streaming live or if it was some kind of communication device to contact the Starship Enterprise.

Many were left speculating on why Kate looks so old and haggard. Some believed the deep forehead wrinkles and crow’s feet were intended to illicit sympathy for Kate after the photo scandal. While the Royal Family does masterfully manage perception, it’s not like they could have had Doctor Who pick up forty-five year old Kate from the future for the event.

I think the reason why some many people were surprised at how much she appears to have aged is because the press published a lot of these photos without PhotoShopping them first.

My theory is the British media resented once again being forced to pass on publishing embarrassing photos of members of the Royal Family, losing out on running the Blue Mountains Commando Kate pic to Germany and Australia. The British media have had to suppress similar scandalous shots of Kate from other events these last three years, unable to use them because of the power the Royal Family has over the press. I have a feeling they decided not to PhotoShop these pics of Kate as a little passive-aggressive way of getting back at the Royal Family. Despite the restrictions placed on them, the media does play a vital role in how the public perceives the Royal Family which members of the press might feel Prince Charles does not value.

Former White House intern, Monica Lewinski is back in the news for being in the news. After ten years of silence and “tiptoeing around my past”, Monica Lewinsky has penned an article entitled Shame and Survival for Vanity Fair to discuss the struggles she’s endured since the 1998 scandal.

Seriously, am I the only person in the world who isn’t writing for Vanity Fair?

It’s hard to imagine in this day and age, a woman would still be defined by an inappropriate relationship from her early twenties. Maybe I just screw up more spectacularly than most, but I never understood the fuss. Hillary had every right to be furious, personally I would have left him, but impeachment, really? It’s not like President Clinton lost Maine to Canada in a poker game and all the maps had to be redone.

Monica’s actions were selfish, she exercised poor judgment, as did President Clinton. In the Vanity Fair article Monica writes, “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.” If she still has that dress after it was returned to her, she seriously needs to explore scrapbooking as an alternative to hanging onto semen-soaked memorabilia.

Maybe the real reason Monica Lewinsky feels her life is still defined by polishing the Presidential knob is because she hasn’t forgiven herself.

As a country, America does seem to enjoy a good Mea Culpa. If the apology is executed properly, we will shrug off virtually any scandal as if we were French. Tiger Woods is known as a golfer again and not a guy who cheated on his insanely hot wife Elin Nordegren with a 120 different women. Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley with a hooker, Kobe Bryant sought forgiveness from his wife for allegations he raped a nineteen year-old by buying her a $4 million rock, Rob Lowe made a sex tape with two girls, one of whom was a minor, and David Letterman committed infidelity with a few different staff members. Celebs like Matthew Broderick, Laura Bush, Brandy and Rebecca Gayheart have all killed people from behind the wheel and managed to stay out of the big house. Although doing time isn’t necessarily the career-killer it once was, Martha Stewart, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Robert Downey, Jr. have all been to prison. And the Kardashian empire, which was built on a sex tape and a big ass, has proven we’re even cool with total shamelessness.

Sometimes turning the tide of public opinion is a long hard-fought battle, as in the case of Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall, who once found herself doggie paddling in a deluge of ’90s scandal because of an inappropriate relationship she had with a married public figure. Camilla was of course the once vilified mistress of Prince Charles blamed by Princess Diana and consequently a nation for destroying her marriage. Now married to Prince Charles, many view their relationship as a great love story. Camilla continues to gain popularity through her strong work work ethic and the positive influence she’s had over Prince Charles. As Hermoine pointed out in the comments of the last post, the Duchess of Cornwall is … “off doing 41 engagements in 4 days (and Camilla is still grieving the loss of her beloved brother) in Canada. Waity would use grief, had it been her circumstances, to take several months off…”

Lewinsky mentions in the Vanity Fair article that she decided to break her silence after the suicide of Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers student who took his own life after he was outed, she wanted to help others by letting them know the scandal she endured made her feel suicidal. It’s actually quite normal for people to want to help others through similar pain because it then attaches a greater purpose to something that just otherwise sucked big time. Except Monica Lewinsky waited four years after the teen’s suicide to share her story. That has got to be one of the longest sudden life-changing reactions of all time, it was on a four year timer. More likely than not Monica Lewinksky is now breaking her silence because of Hillary Clinton being in the news more. The Clintons have moved on but Lewinsky, now forty, remains frozen in time, trapped in the shadows of her past bound by the spectre of what could have been and is trying to find a way out.

Historically, men have a better shot at scandal survival. Women who are young and beautiful tend to fair better than their less dewy counterparts, proving public forgiveness is not only sexist, with a boys will be boys mentality, but it’s also ageist and discriminates based on physical attractiveness. Statistically, Camilla should still be reviled and there are still many who view her as immoral. But she isn’t going anywhere, proving those who were once scandal’s roadkill can carve their own identity and path by sheer tenacity. The road to surviving a scandal can only be partly lit by public acceptance, it requires a lot of hard work and skin thickened by forgiveness of self.

While scandal does seem to provoke feeding frenzies, changing the embarrassment of a few into entertainment for the masses, most of us are guilty of blurring the lines of morality and engaging in some kind of scandalous behavior, we just didn’t get caught.

A few weeks ago, I got a tip that Kate Middleton and Prince William were planning a secret ski get-away following the Australia Tour. I dismissed it as some propaganda whispering, when I get gossip which seems unlikely even for this royal bunch, I usually assume there’s some amount of fabrication to it. After all, would the Lazy Duo actually try to squeeze in yet another vacation given all the bad press they’ve received this year for their luxury get-aways? That would require a sense of entitlement and impertinence at a level akin to pathological narcissism.

As public figures, Kate Middleton and Prince William are often the target of rumors, some of them true, some maliciously fabricated and others that remain more difficult to confirm or refute like the one that’s been circulating for a few years now about Kate’s alleged secret 2006 abortion when she and Prince William were dating which was rumored to be one of the contributing factors to their 2007 break-up. Unfortunately the more deceitful PR tactics are employed, the more voraciously the press will become to expose any concealed truths.

Because the UK press does not enjoy the same Freedom of Speech that the US press does, sometimes unflattering photos or tidbits of info are leaked across the pond by frustrated or disenchanted members of the media. And sometimes people with grudges just make crap up because they’re bitter and bored. It seems a little silly that people actually bother to fabricate gossip about the British Royal Family, that group has so much riveting dysfunction, if they ever did a reality show called The Real Housewives of Windsor, we would all be watching it. But it happens. And sometimes a dismissed rumor seems more credible than once believed.

Prince William spotted in the private SwissAir lounge at Chicago/O’Hare on the way to Memphis. Presumably, he would only be allowed in that lounge if he had flown SwissAir into Chicago. Proof they snuck off on their skiing holiday? From what I can tell (and I could be searching their site incorrectly), SwissAir doesn’t fly from London to Chicago, but they DO fly from Zurich to Chicago.

And in a follow-up, My2Pence stated:

What surprises me is that the majority of royal reporters (and boards) seem to be ignoring it. Tanna hinted that they’d gone on holiday straight out of Australia but no one engaged with him about it. No photos of them arriving back in the UK after NZ/AU which is also odd. William flying SwissAir would seem to be proof that they went skiing straight out of Australia (with or without George) but everyone is pretending this didn’t happen?

Despite having heard the exact same rumor weeks ago about the couple going on a secret Middleton ski vacation after the New Zealand/Australia Tour and finding the report that Prince William was hanging out in the SwissAir Lounge at O’Hare on the way to the Memphis wedding odd, it still didn’t occur to me that Prince William and the Duchess of Doolittle could actually have the impudence to squeeze in yet another vacation until My2Pence made the connection. That should pretty much settle any lingering doubts any of you might have as to whether or not I’m a natural blonde.

I imagine to the Cambridges, it’s such a bummer when protesting peasants wreck your annual ski vacation plans but did they actually try to sneak one in under the radar below the stink-eye line? My initial reaction was no way would they attempt such an ill-advised trip, but maybe the genius of the plan was its unfathomable audacity. Grumblings about the cost of security footed by taxpayers are being acknowledged in media articles estimating UK citizens are paying approximately $84,000 in security costs for this Memphis vacation for Princes William and Harry. I estimated that the Maldives get-away cost taxpayers around $114,000. Plus there’s Kate’s vacation to Mustique earlier this year and Prince William’s hunting trip to Spain. With such intense scrutiny over the cost of the Royal Family to taxpayers, perhaps William and Kate tried to avoid even more security costs from reaching the public’s awareness and yet another vacation souring any positive press they earned during the New Zealand/Australia tour.

I did some follow-up research on Prince William’s selection of the SwissAir lounge and O’Hare seems to be the connecting city of choice for most international flights originating in Europe, so the connecting airport offers no clue as to the city of origin for Prince William’s flight, but there remain other details which make this rumor seem plausible.

There weren’t any released photos of the Heathrow arrival of the Royal Trio following the New Zealand/Australia Tour. At least I didn’t see any and trust me, I looked. Now that Buckingham Palace is counting travel time as official engagements in order to pad Lazy Katie’s numbers due to the PR backlash against UK’s Laziest Royal, arrivals and landings should be a matter of public record. Travel arrangements can’t fall under the protection of privacy if they are being counted as official workdays.

No photos of Kate Middleton have been published since the Australia tour on April 25th, nothing in the press to suggest where she’s been since she boarded the flight to Sydney. We’ve all been assuming she’s been locked away inside Kensington Palace but there’s no evidence to support that.

Prince William wasn’t seen since he boarded the flight to Sydney on April 25th until he was sitting in the SwissAir Lounge with his friends at O’Hare Airport en route to Memphis on Thursday May 1st enjoying some nachos and hot wings.

Why the SwissAir lounge and not say the British Airways lounge also located in Terminal 5 of O’Hare Airport? Granted, when you’re a Prince, you can have your choice of lounges but it’s very possible his staff arranged the logistics of the layover directly with the airline. Perhaps the Prince was flying SwissAir because he really was on the rumored secret Swiss ski vacation with Kate?

There’s already a pic of Prince William taken while onboard a flight to the Dallas Fort Worth Airport on Niraj Tanna’s Twitter page. And yet no one snapped a single a pic or even commented on his presence until O’Hare? Connecting at a different airport on the flight out, so is it possible now he’s actually returning to the UK?

Neither the Duke or Duchess of Cambridge showed up to the funeral of Mark Shand, brother to Prince Charles’ wife Camilla, on May 1st, despite a statement released by their reps that they were devastated by his death. The Duke of Cambridge flew to Memphis on May 1st and there was no explanation offered as to why the Duchess of Cambridge could not attend. Is it possible they weren’t even in the country at the time which is why it wasn’t feasible for the Duke to catch a later flight and still arrive in Memphis two days ahead of the wedding?

It is possible this secret ski vacation is just idle gossip that’s been idling for the last few weeks but it will be interesting to see if anything else emerges. Could the Lazy Duo successfully pull off the same kind of secret ski getaway that Prince Harry got caught attempting when he and Cressida tried to sneak off to Kazakhstan in March? Absolutely, Prince Harry only got busted a couple of days into his secret vacation because of a fellow skier with a camera phone, it’s possible the Duke and Duchess were more cautious, perhaps choosing a location where they would be guaranteed privacy, with trusted staff members being required to sign a Confidentiality/Non-Disclosure Agreement.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are a gift that just keeps on taking.

The Lazy Duo wound up getting a lot of criticism for the Maldives trip, the Duchess of Doolittle’s second luxury vacation of the year. The Duke and Duchess paid their own way for that trip while taxpayers picked up the hefty tab for the security team which travelled with them and the beefed-up one which stayed behind to ensure Prince George’s safety while under Carole’s watch. I’m assuming the true figures for the trip’s security team will never actually be released and the sum will be lumped into the more generalized “travel” expense category or some of the numbers will be moved around in order to keep citizens from storming the castle, but I guesstimate that little get-away probably cost taxpayers around $112,000 in extra security costs. The Duke and Duchess’ personal tab for the trip would have only been about a third of that.

In the wake of the Maldives backlash, another exorbitant bill taxpayers are getting stuck with has emerged. The cost of renovating the apartments of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge at Kensington Palace has nearly doubled, from the estimated $1.8 million to $3.5 million.

Last week, Buckingham Palace released a statement: “The figure of £1.1million spent on Apartment 1A announced in the accounts for 2012/13 was for essential building work, which would have had to take place regardless of who occupied Apartment 1A. Any costs incurred in 2013/14 will be published in the normal way in the Royal Household Annual Accounts in June.” Aides are anticipating that when the additional costs are revealed in the annual report, “It won’t go down well” which is the British equivalent of saying, “We are so screwed”.

An off-hand comment Kate made at the Art Room Opening that she wasn’t happy with the renovations at Kensington Palace, blaming her pregnancy hormones at the time, has sent the Palace scrambling to do damage control, trying to divert attention away from Kate’s spending. The discovery of asbestos is the unofficial scapegoat.

Except they’ve already used asbestos as an excuse to justify the first figure. Did the asbestos throw a party that got out of hand while the Lazy Duo were away and the Duke and Duchess had to buy back all of their furniture from a pimp named Guido?

The initial $1.8 million was to cover necessary renovations, which included electric wiring, heating, asbestos removal and a new roof for the four-story twenty-room apartment which boasts three kitchens, five reception rooms, two nurseries (one of which will become a playroom) and separate bathrooms for Wills and Kate. So if all of this would take place “regardless of who occupied Apartment 1A”, does that mean everyone who lives in Kensington Palace (Prince and Princess Michael of Kent, Duke and Duchess of Kent, Duke and Duchess of Gloucester, and members of the Queen’s and Prince Charles’ staff) all get super cool secret tricked-out panic rooms, walls coated with expensive Farrow and Ball paint, $165,000 for “professional fees” (professional fees typically refer to architects and interior designers) and they can double the cost then declare a do-over as long as they cite pregnancy hormones?

Kate blames Prince George’s being In Utero for selecting paints with a “purple tinge”, and mixing and matching less expensive paints with the Farrow and Ball paints which run around $95 a gallon. Was the interior designer, Kate’s friend Emilia D’Erianger, also pregnant at the time?

The palace has stressed that Kate and William have been footing the bill for “fixtures and items such as curtains and soft furnishings out of their own pockets” according to the Daily Mail. For those who don’t know what “soft furnishings” are, they consist of curtains, bed linens, table linens and throw pillows. How gracious of them to pay for their own sheets. Having done quite a bit of interior design work, I can tell you they are picking up the tab for the least expensive portion of a renovation. Selections of bathroom tile, marble countertops, and flooring are what blow budgets out of the water.

My theory on the “purple tinge” is that Kate initially started out with a pale blue paint and the infamously haunted Kensington Palace walls started bleeding in protest to a commoner the Queen reportedly referred to as “vain, vapid and lazy” making changes. Spirits aren’t huge fans of renovations and Kensington Palace, which many believe to be cursed, has quite a cast of characters, including the ghost of Queen Mary II who makes her presence known when anyone tries to revamp the place.

The Art History major can’t figure out paint on her own and has hired designer Ben Pentreath to help her with her colors. It’s unlikely he’ll go with Farrow and Ball’s Middleton Pink, he’s has been critical of the paint line’s “timid” choices. In light of recent comments, I wonder if Farrow and Ball will be renaming this color Bonas Pink.

Personally, I think Farrow and Ball’s Hague Blue would be a delicious choice, with a slick lacquer Full Gloss finish, any potential bleeding from the walls would just slide right off.

In order to minimize the mounting bad press, it’s being reported that Kate is going to foot the bill for redecorating the redecorated apartments out of her own designer pockets which are of course paid for by her father-in-law, Prince Charles. Who can forget the way her eyes sparkled as a newlywed, ditching her husband for shopping trips in London, you could tell she truly loved Prince Charles’ money. Call me a romantic, but it made me believe in money again.

Given that the only “job” Lazy Katie has ever had in her life was a brief part-time stint as an accessories buyer for family friend-owned Jigsaw which she bailed on, she’ll either be spending her parents’ money or her husband’s family’s money to redo the renovation. Either way, once again someone else will be paying for her mistakes.

Prince William and Kate are going to need a vacation from this Maldives vacation. We all are.

The internet has been huffing and puffing with opinions since the Lazy Duo touched down in Maldives. Media outlets in a rush to dash off anything royal related I suspect are now using Ouija boards as their “sources” which is very reckless journalism because Ouija boards are an open invitation for bad spirits. The Pope is cool, but he’s not going to start sanctioning exorcisms willy-nilly because the press got their journalism/creative writing degrees at a ten week Cambridge program with built-in vacation time.

In response to the media blitzkrieg complete with fan fiction friendly fire, Buckingham Palace appears to be using PR military strategy to minimize the impact to the Royal Family’s image and have possibly summoned the ghost of Harry Houdini for counsel on misdirection. I have been unable to reach Harry Houdini for comment which almost certainly guarantees he’s being retained by the Buckingham Palace Press Office and has already signed the standard gag order.

The result of this controversial Maldives get-away has been a semi-fictional, semi-reality based, all-entertaining glimpse into the Royal Family. I’ve decided to call this crazy madcap group All in the Royal Family because it’s tasteless but you still sometimes laugh anyway. Some hump day trivia: the 70s sitcom All in the Family was actually based on the British show Till Death Do Us Part.

This Maldives vacation Wills and Lazy Kate are on has more conspiracy theories than the Grassy Knoll: a secluded location for in-vitro fertilization, a power-play move by the wicked step-mother desperate to make Kate look bad to secure Charles’ succession spot, a power-play move by the wicked mother desperate to mentally program future King George for her nefarious scheming like in Zoolander, a last-ditch attempt to salvage the royal marriage, an attempt to appear still happily married with William sleeping in the villa’s second bedroom, appeasement for vacationing in Spain with his ex because with a tan all is forgiven, and something about the Illuminati, the color pink, shepherd’s pie made with bull semen and the next full moon. I definitely don’t want to be invited to that dinner party.

All of these suggested plots are far more creative than anything I’ve come up with for the sci-fi novel I’m working on. I’m starting to wonder if maybe those career aptitude tests I took as a lark were right and I should go into theoretical physics instead of trying to be a writer.

Anyway, back to All in the Royal Family. I LOVE the new cast member who has been added in the midst of all this: Cressida Bonas as the next potential royal bride for lovable rascal Prince Harry. She’s cute as a button… a button made of cotton candy, puppy dog kisses, dipped in sunshine with rainbow sprinkles. Were it not for the controversial trip, the public might not have been treated to this as a diversion. Isn’t Prince William supposed to the be the responsible one?

There’s also the teaser of a new character, Prince George’s new nanny. She is said to be of Spanish decent, and has been reported to be anywhere in age from early 20s to late 30s but regardless has 20 years of nannying under her belt. While her identity is still unknown, the world has been told she has no boyfriend or life. I guess that’s supposed to imply she will be devoted to Prince George, but it’s still kind of mean. Damage control has tried to suggest that the reason Wills and Waity left Prince George behind was so that the little prince could get accustomed to his new caregiver under the watchful eye of someone who knows his routine, Carole Middleton. They thought it would be easier for George that way instead of burdening him with the comfort of his parents’ presence during this transitional phase.

The direction the media is taking the Camilla character though is all wrong. She needs to be the British Karen Walker, the whole Cruella thing gossip blogs are trying to pull off is riddled with historical inaccuracies. Seriously, how does this show not have a consultant? The proposed subplots of her trying to ruin Kate so Prince Charles won’t be skipped over in the line of succession are ridiculous. More ridiculous than bull semen shepherd’s pie. The British Monarchy is a hereditary monarchy, it’s not a prom, people don’t get to vote for the King and Queen. Queen Elizabeth couldn’t choose to skip over Prince Charles if she wanted to, she doesn’t have the authority, it would take an Act of Parliament. Kate’s gams while fabulous, they aren’t a legitimate reason to throw the rulebook out the window.

For the last few days I’ve been indulging in the ridiculousness of All in the Royal Family, waiting to see if someone gets thrown in a pool, hoping for a Zara guest appearance, you just know she’s got a hilarious catch phrase. Then I read something that was so chilling, I shall never be able to shower the mental image away. E! Online gave a little peak into the pleasures Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge have access to in their villa, including a kit of sex toys.

Now, Kate has publicly shown her support for sex toys, donning a pair of bunny ears to celebrate the DVD release of the documentary Rabbit Fever.

Rabbit Fever is a feel-good film about the Rampant Rabbit vibrator which gets its name from the silicone pieces resembling rabbit ears which provide clitoral stimulation. The future Queen Consort donned the rabbit ears in homage to Rabbit Fever’s star’s clit bits back during that 2007 split when Kate was looking to fill the hole in her life with a vengeance.

Kate’s solo salute was bad enough but I never ever want to read anything linking sex toys with Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge. When I read the sex toy kit part, it was like that moment in Ghostbusters when Gozer says “Choose your destroyer” and they all try to clear their minds but the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man pops into Ray’s head… except what happened to me after the E! blurb was X-rated and extremely disturbing. In the mental image, Prince William was in nipple clamps and a ball gag and Kate had gathered enough of his remaining hair to yank in her clenched fist and then it just got super screwed up from there.

Game over. When people start getting psychologically scarred from mainstream media puff pieces, we need to rethink this whole All in the Royal Family show.

I have a revolutionary idea to fix the problem. Everyone just sticks with facts, doesn’t speculate, news will be real, the casualties less horrified. The Royal Family would be upfront with what’s going on, the media wouldn’t feel like they have to fill a void with things that might possibly be true-ish and no one has to spend part of the day dry-heaving.

Buckingham’s Palace’s position has always been that it doesn’t comment on the personal life of the the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Doesn’t really seem to be working out so well. They are being blasted for laziness, for abandoning their infant so they could have a luxury holiday, there’s speculation of strange cult insemination rituals to create a spare, sex toy talk, and tax payers are groaning about all the additional security expenses for which they are footing the bill. The security for these trips is costly because royal security detail flies business class, there’s the cost of their accommodations, they get allowances, and over-time, plus there’s the added security for Berkshire where Prince George is believed to be staying. Tens of thousands of people die each year in the UK because their homes don’t provide sufficient heating against the cold, when you think about how that vacation security money could have been better appropriated it makes sense that even the most loyal of Royalists have been disgusted by their frivolity.

My issue with Kate Middleton has been her lack of charity work. If she doesn’t want to use her powers for good, then let’s just dispose of the whole smoke and mirrors system Buckingham Palace is employing right now. The only reason I care is because I see the potential she has to do so much good, but if that’s not going to ever happen, then it wouldn’t make much sense to keep belaboring the point, I could start writing about something else. I would find it refreshing if Kate showed up on some talk show with a lit cigarette in one hand and a martini in another and said in her natural middleclass accent, “I’m pretty, so belt up or bugger off. I work, have a butchers at this bum, you think magic fairies did this? I spend half my time surrounded by the stench of Old Spice, gin and ball sweat and that’s just my Mum. And I’ve always got people telling me what to do. ‘Don’t sleep with your brother-in-law, wear knickers, Pippa’s scratching at the back door again, curtsey, we need another Lupo, the replacement ran away.’ Bloody hell, I’d run away too if it didn’t take me a whole decade to get here.”

Now that would be a way of modernizing the monarchy. Because the system right now is trying to create the illusion of served duties and invigorated grandeur using kite string, a paper clip and some putty. Even MacGyver couldn’t pull that off.

And if we just went with the whole honesty approach, the media would have to be honor-bound by the system. No speculation, no conspiracy theories, no grainy pictures of Royal Bits on balconies. If you don’t know how to find pictures on the internet of women who have consented to having their breasts photographed, you don’t deserve to see boobies.

No lies by the Buckingham Palace Press Office, no stalking or fictionalizing the Royals by the press. Deal?

Well, Kate Middleton is off for another week-long sun-filled get-away, this time with husband, Prince William. The couple, dubbed “UK’s Laziest Royals” earlier this year by the press (how funny would a Coat of Arms be for that title, maybe something with a Coppertone bottle and some High Street shopping bags) arrived in Maldives at 9:40am Thursday.

It’s been a whole month since Lazy Katie has had a proper vacation and the poor girl must be utterly exhausted from her three whole engagements this year. After the National Portrait Gallery appearance discussed in the previous post “Worth the Wait?”, she opened an Art Room at the Northolt High School where she played with her hair a lot and tilted her head, probably contemplating some great sociological issue like whether or not she should get bangs (she totally should).

She did the obligatory photo with children picture, even though the children didn’t appear to be particularly riveted.

Then on February 17th, she bravely nodded her head a lot during some celebrity small talk at the Queen’s Buckingham Palace Dramatic Arts reception. Let’s just dispense with the formalities and give Kate the Nobel Peace Prize right now.

With Lazy Katie’s tan from her Mustique vacation still not faded, this so-called romantic get-away with Prince William is odd timing. They just had a couple’s night out over the weekend at Louise Aubrey-Fletcher’s birthday party at Bunga Bunga. That looked super-romantic, the way Kate was trying to figure out what was going on while Prince William was half-way to the car.

Don’t worry, she caught up to him while he was getting in the car and didn’t have to call Pippa for a ride home.

This Maldives vacation is also strange considering William is supposed to be presently taking a ten-week agriculture course at Cambridge. I’m sure someone within Prince Charles’ press office is shaking a Magic 8 Ball to come up with a perfectly valid explanation why Prince William doesn’t have any classes this week.

Now, I know it can be stressful when the care of your child is being transferred from the old nanny to the new nanny, there could be all of those tedious questions, like what are those prosthetic stomaches doing in the linen closet. But come on, how much longer before eye-rolling provoked by these vacation announcements starts doing some serious ocular damage? Seriously, I’ve been getting these weird spasms around my left eye, I’m afraid I’m going to wind up needing an eye patch and one of those big white plastic cones dogs have to wear after surgery.

The Lazy Duo can manage to squeeze in a week’s worth of frolicking in the ocean but they insult the Maori King by refusing to grant him more than 90 minutes in their upcoming tour of Australia and New Zealand? King Tuheitia has said no thanks to the quickie and has refused to meet with them. They’ve also ticked off another Maori leader by opting not to include historically significant Waitangi on the tour. Perhaps they felt it was just too ripe for Waity in Waitangi headlines. There’s already a strong movement within New Zealand to cut ties with the British Crown and Australia is peeved New Zealand might beat them to the punch of full independence. This seventeen day royal tour, which has three scheduled “Rest Days”, has received a lot of press for Kate’s anticipated longer hemlines and borrowed jewels but thus far it looks like Prince William and Kate have packed a little too lightly when it comes to good will.

Three days of work this year and fourteen days spent frolicking in the surf. How does this girl not realize she has the potential to bring global attention to important issues and could do so much good? Does she just not care?

Kate Middleton just wrapped up her vacation in Mustique where she rested up from those exhausting zero official engagements to date this year and the mere thirty-five in 2013 that cemented her status as The UK’s Laziest Royal. The Duchess of Doolittle returned from the Caribbean and discovered she had landed in a bit of a fashion bummer. According to Time’s Newsfeed, the Queen thinks Kate dresses like a “harlot” and has appointed her own personal dresser, Angela Kelly, to make sure Kate wears more Duchess-appropriate attire for her upcoming tour of Australia.

Perhaps the Queen is seeking to avoid another wardrobe malfunction like the one Kate already had in Australia at the Brisbane Airport.

These “Marilyn Moments” as they are labeled by the press show more than the Queen feels is appropriate.

Perhaps the Queen objects because she actually met Marilyn Monroe in 1956 while she was in England filming The Prince and the Showgirl and everyone’s skirt stayed where it was supposed to.

I think the real issue here is less about the hem length and more about Kate needing dress weights like the ones the Queen has sewn into her garments. And Kate should rethink going commando in dresses, a wardrobe malfunction is way less slutty if you’re wearing underwear.

In addition to panties, I would also recommend Kate always wear a bra. Most women’s breasts are slightly uneven, however when Kate goes without a bra, the height of her right nipple makes the set look even more mismatched.

Kate does show more leg than one would expect of a possible future Queen consort but she keeps it tight, she’s got great gams, a fantastic bum and really, we’ve all seen the whole show already. It’s common knowledge that Kate doesn’t wax or shave her bikini area, there are photos all over the internet like the white bikini pics that show the circumference of her areolae, she nabbed her prince by stalking him, I think we’ve already sailed way past her being able to pull off demure.

If a more royal look is being imposed on Kate, her publicly playing with her hair really needs to stop. Of course, there was the Hair Twirl Heard Round the World on Remembrance Day.

Whether straight or curled, up or down, Kate’s hair has a five-fingered entourage.

The constant hair touching conveys boredom as she gets lost in her own locks, with all of the etiquette training she’s had, she should know that it’s inappropriate.

In many cultures a woman playing with her hair is considered to be flirtatious. I can’t think of a single country in which a woman playing with her hair doesn’t have some culturally-specific meaning. As a representative of the UK and the wife of a future king, she needs to be mindful of the message she is conveying.

In Thailand, there is a spiritual association with hair because the head is considered so sacred. Kate’s constant fussing with her tresses could be interpreted as the actions of someone who is spiritually deficient. To a Jordanian, however, Kate pulling her hair back revealing her neck could be interpreted as a sexual advance because in Jordan, the neck is considered especially erotic, she appears to be offering it by sweeping her hair away from it.

Even with the backlash against her Remembrance Day hair twirl still fresh, she couldn’t keep her hands out of her hair when her husband was commenting on the sad passing of the great Nelson Mandela. Playing with her ponytail, she forgot she was supposed to look somber and her expression switched over to her default setting of looking like she’s daydreaming of doodling “I Love Unicorns” in her notebook.

The Queen’s announcement about hemlines comes less than two weeks after Prince Charles revealed that he will be taking control of the press office of Prince William and Kate and absorbing them into his own at Buckingham Palace. The elimination of the Kensington Palace press office is believed to be Prince Charles’ attempt to remold The Royal Family’s public image and refocus attention away from Kate’s hair and clothing onto more serious topics.

As frustrating as Lazy Katie’s lack of effort when it comes to charitable work can be, frumping her up isn’t the answer. The fate of tigers is in no way tied into Kate’s hemline and the Firm isn’t going to turn her into Margaret Thatcher by making her wear boxy suits. And if they did somehow manage to get their hands on magical fabric that enabled such a transformation, they probably shouldn’t, the Queen looked positively beaming at the funeral of the former Prime Minister.

I think the way to handle the whole Kate Middleton’s wardrobe issue is just make sure she’s wearing knickers and sew in some dress weights. People aren’t going to stop focusing on her appearance simply if her wardrobe is toned done, instead the media will start digging through the archives and the conversation will be about how much they preferred Above-the-Knee Kate.

The Firm seems reticent about letting Kate speak publicly in recent months following a string of vapid responses which caused eye rolls, smirks and out-right mockery in the global media. Kate doesn’t have the passion for charity work and natural charm Princess Diana had, she doesn’t appear to have any terribly interesting hobbies of her own like Sarah Ferguson’s extramarital toe-sucking, she doesn’t have the stoic strength of Queen Elizabeth II because let’s face it, no one in the world has that, but she is good at putting cute little outfits together. Personally, I think the Royal Family needs to be careful about shaking up Kate, when the candy falls out, the party is pretty much over.

The one bonus of having your hemlines royally decreed is the Queen lets you borrow jewels from her private collection, not to be confused with the Crown Jewels which are kept in the Tower of London. No one actually knows how much the Queen’s Jewels are worth because no gemologist has ever been permitted to examine the collection. For her upcoming scheduled trip to Australia, Kate will be allowed to borrow some of the Queen’s pieces most of which have been handed down to her by past monarchs. This isn’t like rooting around in your Grandma’s jewelry box, this is some serious badass bling. My first round draft pick would be the Collet Necklace which is also referred to it as the Coronation Necklace.

Despite its 160 carats, Queen Alexandra and Queen Mary piled even more diamonds on top of it. Queen Elizabeth II wears it as I would, on its own, it is the ultimate statement necklace and that statement is “Suck it, Commoners.” That kind of ice would definitely take the sting out of being told by the Queen that you dress like a tramp.

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