Your Rights During a Miscarriage

When it comes to birth more and more women are realizing the rights and the amount of choices they have. We are slowly seeing a shift in provider and hospital protocol in our country towards respecting the rights of the mother to make choices in her care and that of her baby. Birth plans and questionnaires are becoming more common and hospitals are tiptoeing their way into care that places the respect and love for mothers and babies ahead of profit and efficiency. It’s very slow, yes. We are far from where we need to be but the movement has been growing for years and is finally making some headway in mainstream birth. But just as it is true that mothers have the right to a dignified birth and true evidence based care, they also have a right to that when it comes to miscarriage.

Regrettably, this is not always the case and in the midst of shock, fear, grief, and ignorance, the mother suffering a miscarriage is swept into a medical system that may or may not be giving her proper individualized attention and care. She often feels like she doesn’t have a choice in her treatment or course of action. She often doesn’t get valid answers to her questions or because she is in the midst of grief, doesn’t think to even ask them. Very rarely are options presented to this vulnerable mom so that she can then make the choices that are best for her in her circumstances. There are countless mothers and fathers who, looking back upon the loss of their baby, wish they had done things a bit differently. Because of this, while of course we hope and pray the information is never needed, it’s important for women of childbearing possibility to know their rights when it comes to having a miscarriage before it happens. So, below are a list of rights that a woman has when it comes to miscarriage and stillbirth. This list is not exhaustive and I welcome you to add any others in the comments below.

During a Miscarriage…

You have the right to another ultrasound to confirm beyond any doubt that your baby has passed.

You have the right to request a copy of the picture.

You have the right to a funeral for your baby.

You have the right to bury your baby.

If the baby’s body passes in the hospital or the remains removed via a D&C, you have the right to your baby’s remains. Be aware that in some states there may be laws governing how his or her body is released. (Funny how in some states this same “blob of tissue” in some laws is now considered human remains and cannot be released without a funeral director’s oversight.)

You have the right to ask to be tested for progesterone levels and an immediate prescription for supplements if there is a chance it could save your baby.

You have the right to have the father, a doula, and/or other support person present during any medical exams or treatment.

You have the right to hold your baby’s body and not be rushed.

You have the right to choose some sort of pain relief.

You have the right to take personal time from work.

You have the right to say no.

You have the right to choose to do nothing.

You have the right to opt to deliver the baby’s body at home.

You have the right to ask questions.

You have the right to trust your instincts.

You have the right to not have any concerns dismissed.

You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity and at any point you have the right to change providers or ask for a new staff member.

You have the right to name your baby, grieve your baby, and talk (or not) about your baby.

Especially when a mother and father are grieving, they deserve to be treated with compassion, evidence-based care, and have their voices heard and respected. Maybe, slowly, as more and more people share their stories and stand up for better care, we can make a difference, not stopping until every mother and baby receive the care they deserve.

Please feel free to comment with your thoughts on or additions to the list below.

This is such a great resource! I can remember during labor having zero ability to make any kind of decision and I was so grateful I had a birthing plan already so I didn’t have to. It makes sense that the same would go for having a miscarriage – and it can be hard to know what your rights are. Thank you for this!

Agreed. I have had four miscarriages. The first was at 11 wks 6 days. They would not give me a picture. They insisted on a D&C. After, I had prolapses of the bladder, rectum, and of the uterus. I ended up getting a hysterectomy after my last miscarriage because of the pain caused by the uterine prolapse. My last miscarriage was more than 3 years ago, (my first was almost 11 years ago) and I still have bouts of anxiety and panic because of all of them. If they were handled better, I would have at least had something to go back to. I do have four healthy children, but the loss is not replaced. I will always love my babies that died. I will pass this on, so women who experience this will not have to go through what I went through. God Bless you for sharing this…

So sorry for your losses. I had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in a loss. 11 years later I had a small memorial service with the help of a compassionate priest that helped immensely. You might consider some way to honor your children.

I was fired for taking off work to have my 2nd miscarriage, despite the company granting me written permission to use 3 days bereavement leave, saying that sick leave wasn’t applicable. I agree with all the points made above – but just be forewarned that after 3 years of working at that company… the response I got from the HR staff when they terminated me was that “my miscarriage didn’t quality as an immediate family member, so bereavement leave didn’t apply, despite the written permission”. They expected me to work on a white leather chair through the physical loss.

I wish I had known some of these with my first miscarriage. I had only been married for 3 1/2 months, and didn’t have an OB/GYN in my new town. I had to go to my hometown, and the doctor there was HORRIBLE. She told me, DURING an exam WHILE I was miscarrying, that I didn’t need to cry because “it happens to everyone.” My husband was there, and we were both sobbing. If I had known, I would have requested to see another doctor that minute. After another miscarriage a year later, I am very happy to say that I haven’t had to deal with her at all and will be delivering our sweet little girl in about a week with a wonderful, pro-life Doctor who truly cares about his patients and their babies.

I chose to let my baby come naturally at home when we discovered there was no heartbeat at 10 weeks. I had to wait for 3 weeks, but it was a great time to be able to research and prepare as much as possible so I knew what to expect. We ordered from heavensgain.com to get a “casket” and prepare for a burial of our baby at the grave of another family member. We also named him. I have no regrets!

I tried to pass my baby at home too at 12 weeks I don’t regret that decision I just wish they would have told me how painful it is and I ended up hemmorageing and had to have an emergency d and c it was the worst thing ever

I’m so sorry that happened to you, especially in the midst of grieving your baby. It’s so hard to be truly prepared for something like that but we can certainly do a better job than we are right now. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

My husband and I were consistently denied all of these basic rights throughout my miscarriage and afterwards.

I would say that the one that hurt the most was the right to grieve. We were not allowed to grieve. I can count on one hand (and still have fingers left over) the number of people who were kind and understanding during the worst point in our lives.

The prevailing attitude was that we needed to get over it–immediately–and move on.

I was fired from my temp job because my miscarriage started at work. I was scared and in pain and I cried at my desk. I was fired for bringing too much drama to the department.

I think the right to grieve and the right to keep your job during a miscarriage are both fundamental but I am sad to see that others have struggled with this too.

This callous indifference we experienced did make us seek out, and eventually convert to, the Catholic Church. So there was one good thing that came of all of our pain.

I needed this several years ago. My us tech laughed and said “are you sure you’re pregnant?” And the nurse said “yes you’re miscarrying, bye!” And sent me on my way without any institutions, help, nothing. I had no idea what was coming,’so went out life. Several days later was in the worst pain of my life. Little did I know I was laboring, as my first was a csrction. To make matters worse, they called a month later to remind me about my 12-week appointment. And when I went in for an annual a year later, they asked why I didn’t deliver with them! I pray no one ever is treated to that level ever again.

This is very close to the way I have been treated with this miscarriage. My drs have been awful as have their nursing staff. This is the third baby I have lost. I was told Aug 10th that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I then had to wait in a room for two and a half hours by myself just to find out that they knew things were going wrong at my first ultrasound and the dr didn’t tell me and lied to me about things. The staff has been awful. I canceled my 11 week appointment three times and they still got annoyed when I had to cancel it again after getting yet another reminder.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry that you were treated this way. It’s not right and its not fair.

I am an Emergency Department nurse practitioner. I had a patient recently that miscarried in the ED bathroom at about 13 weeks (but with a 10-11 week fetus). Having been through this process before myself (4 early miscarriages and one 38 week stillbirth), I was able to assist this mother by retrieving her baby from the toilet, talking to her about my experiences, and giving her the choice to have her name her baby, me baptism her baby and her take him home to bury with a sibling she had lost at 2 years old. I also spoke to this mother and her family (who were Catholic) about having an intercession in heaven who they would see again one day. I hope that I was able to make this horrible experience more positive for this mother and her family, and to give them a different perspective in their loss.

I miscarried at 8 weeks. The most appalling question ever was asked. Was this a wanted pregnancy? I was so insulted. It made me feel guilty even though I know my husband and I did not do anything to make this happen.

Having lost a child because of, as my doctor called it a ” spontaneous abortion”, I blamed myself for the loss. No one seemed to understand this was my CHILD who had just died! A nurse flushed the bloody remains down the toilet. Uncaring, I’ll- informed “friends” commented, ” there must have been something terribly wrong with the baby”. ” “you should be thankful God took it”. I went through the DNC, alone. My husband was not allowed to be with me. We left the hospital with empty arms and bleeding hearts, with nothing to remember our baby by. My mom gave me money, in lieu of flowers, to buy something in memory of the baby we lost. I cherish that figurine of an angel. Which I purchased with the money…and we chose to give our lost child a name. These things helped bring closure to a very grievous time in our marriage. Thirty- four years later, this month, we lost what would have been our second child. His name is Jeremy. He will always live in our hearts!

We’d lost 2 babies,3rd & fifth & by the grace of God stood firm in my decision to go home & pray about it. We were able to capture the babies, named them & gave them proper burials. Thank you for this, many of the younger people I know we’re pressured into doing a D&C ASAP…without any time to think.

Reblogged this on The Great Pudding Club Hunt and commented:
This is a good post…you have many rights when you experience a miscarriage, but many don’t know how to get the care they deserve and need. Asking the doctor for a sick note is also something you have the right to do…my doctor would have written me a note for two weeks, but for me I needed a few days off and then wanted to be at work, so I only took 2 days plus the weekend, but that is not right for everyone. Everyone is different and unique in both circumstances and coping mechanisms.

Through my 16 miscarriages (ranging from 6-13 weeks). I learned a lot of these things. I am so pleased to see this resource for grieving families. I hope many people are able to see it and know that is carriage is a legitimate loss that should be grieved however each individual feels is best for them.

When I found out at the Drs that my baby had died I asked for a picture of his little body ( he was 9 weeks 3days when he died). The ultrasonographer told me that she had a policy to not give pictures when there was a loss. I was crying and told her repeatedly that I wanted a p icture. She kept refusing until finally she said, ” well I’ll ask the Dr.”. She came back and told me because I was insisting I could have a picture. I still have that beautiful image of my sweet baby along with an earlier one of his beautiful heart beating. I chose to wait to miscarry and it took several weeks. I started to hemorrhage severely in the middle of the night and had to rushed to the ER. When I got to the ER they kept me waiting and waiting and waiting….. the OB on call decided to not come in. They left me hemorrhaging for over 7 hours. I lost at least 1/3 of my blood. My hemoglobin after 3 or 4 hours in the ER was 13 and when I left the next day, after a DC in the AM when the new Dr. on call came in, was down to 7. When the ultrasonographer in the ER did an exam before the D&C she informed us quite harshly that the only way my husband could only come in is if NO questions were asked. I asked a question and she glared at me and said I told you no questions. I tried to see the screen to see if my baby was still there and she glared at me and slammed the screen away from me so I couldn’t see. It was awful and the most physically and emotionally traumatic experience of my life.

That is absolutely unbelievable. I am so so sorry you were treated so poorly, especially as you were grieving. I cannot for the life of me fathom why they would be so cruel but you are certainly not the only story I’ve heard like this. It’s unconscionable.

Oh how different it would be if I were to miscarry now. I am so much stronger internally and would have the inner strength to stand up and advocate for myself. My miscarriages both occurred around the first year into my marriage and as the medical world treated it so casually (“Oh we won’t schedule an appointment to look into things until you have miscarried three times…” Or, “Are you certain you were even pregnant?”) I would have had the strength to fight now, but at that time was so vulnerable and confused and deep into grief that I didn’t know what to do.Thank you for this list. I wish I had seen something like it six years ago as it would have emboldened me and helped me to fight a fair fight. Here are two more “rights” to add to the list: You have the right to insist that medical providers refer to your baby as a baby and not “the products of conception…” as the doctor who saw me did… You have the right to share with others what you are experiencing. I was so scared to share my loss with others, but chose to ask for prayer in my ladies’ Bible study. Another woman present asked to get together with me privately at another time, and when I went to her home she listened to my story and grieved with me. Then, she shared with me about her miscarriages and how learning about her cycle, low natural progesterone and taking measures very early on to boost her progesterone helped her to carry her subsequent pregnancies to term. I credit her vulnerability and courage to reach out for the four precious little ones I now have thanks to starting progesterone from ovulation onwards, monitoring my levels and taking any further measures needed with each of my subsequent pregnancies.

I lost my first baby over 4 years ago. I opted for a d&c since he had been dead inside me for a month when I found out (he passed around 8 weeks). My biggest regret is that I did not ask for my baby’s remains. I was offered the option, but I had no idea what to do so I just asked that they bury him with other miscarried babies. I really regret this decision because I wish I had had a service or something or that I had a gravesite I could visit. I have two ultrasound pictures from before he passed away, and I really treasure them, but I really wish I had asked for his body. It is hard to make these kind of decisions in the midst of shock and grief. If I were to ever lose another, God forbid, I would certainly do things differently.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m grateful that your baby at least got a burial but I can definitely understand wanting to have done things differently. It is so difficult to make these choices on the spot.

That’s a great point. I’m not an expert on canon law but I do know that in an emergency, anyone can perform a valid baptism and I believe if it is unclear whether the baby has died, it can be a conditional baptism.

I miscarried 4 years ago this summer, this baby who never got to be still weighs heavily on my heart… My tail of how it happened is long but thankfully the doctor and ultrasound tech I dealt with we’re very compassionate towards me. Some people thought because it was so early on I shouldn’t have mourned, I should have just gotten over it right away… That was the worst part. I’m no longer with that person I was with when it happened… Which he didn’t know at all how to deal with it. And thankfully my current partner is extremely supportive of me and my fears and how sometimes I get very emotional.

This post is a valuable resource. My first pregnancy was an early miscarriage and, despite several calls to the OB by me and my husband, they would not see me in the office- I just stayed at home and waited. I didn’t know any better to fight for myself.

I would add to your list that if you are blessed to get pregnant again, you have the right to take the time you need to get excited about a new life again. When I went in to a (different) doctor for a pregnancy test the next time, the nice receptionists congratulated me and asked me if I had the nursery decorated for my first baby yet. I nearly bawled. It wasn’t my first baby, and it was too early for me to believe that pregnancy would end any differently. With time and prayer, that changed, but I needed the space to be able to do so.

Maybe a note that while an ectopic pregnancy is a miscarriage, it is an instance where waiting too long for medical interventions can risk your life.
I speak from personal experience. I still had hope when I left my OBs office, despite falling HCG levels, it was too early for an ultrasound, so I decided to wait a bit. Bleeding and pain eventually brought be to the ER, where I sat in a waiting room for 5 hours bleeding and crying. When I was finally seen it was very dismissive until after the ultrasound (it’s been 9 hours at this point), suddenly the situation was urgent, no questions like, “why didn’t you come in sooner?” Started being asked. When I responded that I has been there for more than 9 hours the doctor brushed it off until he looked at the record, then he chastised the staff. I could have died waiting there, I could have died waiting at home. Ectopic pregnancy is a dangerous business.

Yes, ectopic pregnancy can be very dangerous and it’s definitely important for women to be aware of the signs. An ultrasound is especially important with a suspected ectopic. Thank you for adding that. I’m so sorry for your loss.

You have a right to use natural means to care for your miscarrying body. Homeopthic remedies (such as sabina), and herbal tinctures (such as shepherd’s purse) can stop a hemorrhage and save you a trip to the hospital. Skilled naturopaths or midwives can help you navigate a miscarriage in the privacy and emotional security of your own home.

Thank you for this, it makes me feel more encouraged to fight for some changes in my city and Province. I had a silent miscarriage that was discovered two weeks ago. First my midwife could not find a heartbeat and then an ultrasound confirmed that we had lost our little girl. I was 14 weeks and 2 days at the time, and the ultrasound told us she had probably passed away at 12wks 4 days. I did not have any signs that anything had changed in the pregnancy. We had to wait over a week to figure out or even talk to anyone about what the next steps for us should be. Meanwhile nothing changed for me in the pregnancy symptoms except some of what you would expect at 14-15weeks. My midwife sent my information to an early pregnancy loss clinic, but they would not meet with me as I was outside of their parameters (before 12wks gestation only). Then I was referred to a women’s health clinic, But still without any chance to talk with anyone about my options, all the clinic coordinator could do was book me an appointment with a counsellor for the following week and book me in for a D&C…Meanwhile, I spent Canadian thanksgiving with my sister in law who was also pregnant, and due the day after me, but my baby was no longer living inside me…
I decided after finally talking to a counsellor (I didn’t have a single doctor or midwife discuss my options with me…) that because of the length of time that my little girl had been gone, it would be best to have a D&C done before there was a chance of infection etc. as it had been almost 3 weeks since her little heart had stopped beating. While at the clinic for a D&C my husband and I realized that we were sitting in an abortion clinic. Most of the women in the waiting room were willingly choosing to terminate their pregnancies, and kill their sweet little babies. The staff finally gave us an office to sit in while we waited for my procedure, it was delayed as they wanted me to take misoprostal due to the fact that my placenta was likely not a 12 wk placenta but a 15+ one. I took it, felt my water break, and then while trying to pee delivered my tiny little girl the size of my palm into the toilet. After which I had the D&C to remove the placenta which I did not deliver… While in the recovery room I could hear nurses and doctors discussing the next patients, how far along they were (13wks, 14wks etc. etc.) and hear other patients in the room complaining of the pain from misoprostal and their choice of procedures. It was horrifying… I was grieving my tiny baby while surrounded by women choosing this.
After I was finally allowed to leave, (when the nurse realized I wasn’t in physical pain, ‘oh it’s just emotional…’ I did some digging and could not find any clinic available to me other than this one in my city or over a million people. There was only one other hospital I could have gone to, but they would have turned me away if I was not actively bleeding (which I never did until they gave me misoprostal).
My long story is to say this, I cannot believe that any woman should ever have to be surrounded by people choosing to terminate their pregnancies while trying to follow medical advice for her health and safety after the death of her child.
Thank you for these ‘rights’, they have encouraged me to do what I have already been feeling a stirring in my spirit saying… For those women with silent miscarriages in the grey area of not quite late miscarriage but not ‘early’ there need to be more considerate options. I feel as though my healthcare system completely failed me… I don’t want anyone else to have to feel that way.

Oh Danielle, I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. You’re right, that’s unacceptable. I’m so sorry that was the only option you had. I can’t believe they wouldn’t handle that at the normal hospital! I’ll be praying for you in your grief as well as for whatever God is calling you to do with it. And for all those women who chose to take the lives of their babies. God, help us.

Hi, I first want to say thank you for this post. I’m 20 years old and just had my first miscarriage 3 weeks ago. I was very lucky in the doctor aspect of the situation. I feel a little lost right now, I don’t know how to feel or what to think. I guess sharing my story might give a little insight and possibly help me a little.

First, at 19 I was extremely overweight and was told that I had PCOS and would never be able to have children if I didn’t lose the weight, quickly. Unfortunately, due to the PCOS it was extremely hard and almost impossible to lose the amount of weight that I needed to lose. So, my parents and I decided for me to have Gastric Bypass surgery (at the recommendation of my OB). I had Surgery in March and have lost 120 pounds so far. I’m a completely different person, and love it.

Shortly after surgery, I started dating an amazing guy! He was super supportive and went through the entire process with me. We both had always planned to wait until marriage, but “slipped” up for the first time. We both knew that we slipped up, but didn’t let it change our relationship, we just said that it wouldn’t happen again until we were married. We went back to normal, nothing out of the ordinary.

A few weeks later I started feeling sick (morning sickness I suppose) and missed my period, which has always came like clockwork. I took 4 at home tests and they all came back a strong positive! I was so scared, I’ve got a year left of college and he lives an hour and half away, how was I going to do this? I knew that no matter what, I would make it work and love that sweet little baby with everything I had. Because he lived out of town, I had to tell him over the phone. We facetimed and when I told him we both cried like babies and decided that we would be doing everything together. We also decided that before we said anything to either of our parents we wanted to go to the doctor to make sure.

I called and made an appointment with my Doctor and we were scheduled for the very next morning. It quickly become the worst day of my life. They started with blood work and a urine test. While waiting for all of the results, they came in, measured me, and the nurse told me my due date, June 12th. The Doctor came in and said that my test came back positive, but a few of my levels were a little too low for her liking. So she did and ultrasound and checked for a heartbeat. First she did the ultrasound and printed out the sonogram pictures for us. We were scared, but happy. When she started looking for the hearbeat, she couldn’t find one. She tried with a different doppler and still coudn’t find one. She had another doctor come in and try, he had the same problem. They whispered for a few minutes and then turned and told us that they were very sorry to have to tell us this news, but I had miscarried. They said that the baby’s heart didn’t fully start to develop correctly and that there was nothing that could have been done. I was 7 weeks. They both stayed and explained everything that I would be going through in the coming weeks. I chose to miscarry naturally, which they told me was completely normal and safe at my point into this pregnancy. When we left, he told me that he didn’t know what to do to help me, and honestly didn’t want to possibly ruin his relationship with his parents and not have anything to show for it. He apologized for letting it happen and that I was having to go through all of this, but had to take himself out of the equation.

I told my mom, while she was very disappointed that I went against everything that I always said that I wouldn’t do, she understood and wanted to be here for me. However, she doesn’t want to fully accept the entire thing. She thinks that I was never really pregnant, but more so that I had a bigger than normal reaction to it being my first time and also from everything trying to still get normal sine surgery. So while I have her “here” for support, I really don’t.

I was numb that day, and quite honestly I still am. I understood all of the physical stuff that I would be going through and still get that. But the emotional part is so hard. I don’t know what to feel or how to react. I have cried a lot, but I don’t know how to fully deal with it. One thing my doctor said to me that has stuck with me is “Don’t worry mama, you’ve lost your precious little angel, but we are going to get you through this.” That hit me like a ton of bricks, do I consider myself a mom? I don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything. Over the last 3 weeks, I have gotten very good at functioning. The only positive I have been able to pull from this is the fact that it is now possible for me to have children, so surgery was successful, and one day when I am married and ready, I will be able to have children.

So I guess with all of that being said, I want to know if you guys have any advice on how you got through your miscarriage(s). Sorry for the very long post, I’m just all emotional right now, which is totally out of my norm!! Thanks so much for reading this!

I’m so so sorry for your loss and for all the ways that it has been made even harder by your circumstances. Your numbness and grief is totally normal. Being able to talk about my loss and recognize the reality of my baby was crucial to me being able to grieve and get through it. Naming my baby was incredibly helpful and I ask for him or her to pray for our family every day. We also have the ultrasound picture framed in our home and it is priceless to me, as the only picture we have of this child. Talking about this baby to our kids, writing, music, and advocacy are all things that have helped me heal from the grief of that loss. I hope you can find some real support around you, if not from family or friends then maybe from a miscarriage or stillbirth support group. Your loss was real. You are a mother and you have a son or daughter that we pray is now in heaven and who is able to pray for you.
You can go to the Elizabeth Ministry homepage and you may be able to find some good resources and help. http://elizabethministry.com/
Also, on my personal blog, I have a page with all the posts I’ve written on the topic including a lot of the ways that I was able to process the loss: http://www.betterthaneden.com/p/pregnancy-loss.html I hope they can be helpful to you. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that I will pray for you.

Thank you so much. I’ve definitely have done a lot of praying and have toyed with the idea of naming the baby to help me as well. I will definitely look into those resources. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Looking forward to having a good and healthy grieving process. Thanks again!

You have the right to not attend a baby shower!!! I have Lost 3 sons, a 25 WK stillbirth, 30 wk stillbirth and a premature birth at 25 wks, only living a week. I am blessed to have a perfect daughter who is my 29 yr old miracle baby. You also have a right not to hold someone else’s baby until you are ready. Take time to grieve ~ this is also your right!

I just had a horrific experience in a hospital. Can someone email me to help with advice on how to proceed? I don’t believe I was treated with compassion and dignity and my rights might have been infringed. Thanks