Tags

Think it’s dangerous to catch King Crabs in the frigid waters off the coast of Alaska? It is, asshole. You know what else is dangerous? Working as an elf. You’re employed a few weeks out of the year, under terrible conditions, for a crazy man who pays you nothing, who barely turns on the heat, who then makes you dance on the ice for him, as he sips his spiked eggnog, cackling.

What we’re saying is that elves die on the job all the time. It’s a miserable, horrible life, not nearly as glamorous as the National Geographic documentaries portray.

What follows are the most common manners of Elf Demise (not including the elf hate-crimes that so frequently occur in rural areas):

Figgy pudding overdose

Being found dead in North Pole flophouse, surrounded by 11 crack pipers piping

Cancer of the ornament

Killed by jealous girlfriend in murder-suicide after discovery of another woman’s curly-toed slippers

High-speed texting-while-sleighing

Consuming a fatal mixture of Pop Rocks and Coke (and meth)

Same reason all those Chinamen die all the time at the Apple iPad factory. Overwork?