Tuesday, October 26, 2010

When someone says something to you or about you, it feels personal. When someone hits you or knocks you down, it feels personal. When someone uses Twitter, FaceBook, or any social media to publicly attack you, it feels personal. When a bully in your life tries to hurt you or intimidate you, it feels personal. But the power you have in ANY and all of these circumstances is to remind yourself of this golden phrase:

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

Seriously! You have the choice to change your mind at any moment by repeating the above. You may need to repeat a lot if you have never said it before, but I guarantee the more you integrate this message into to your daily life, the easier it will get.

What's implicit in this message is that every single one are walking around on this earth making meaning of life based on our perceptions. How each and every one of us define good or bad, smart or dumb, attractive or unattractive, completely depends on how we have been conditioned. You don't get to choose or control the conditioning with which other people judge you. What you do get control over is how much power and attention you are going to give it.

Remember, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." If you attack me then I will definitely experience pain, outrage, frustration, or some form of hurt. But suffering happens when I tell myself, "He is right. I'm no good, I should shut up, I should be dead." If every child and adult truly learned this lesson, I can promise that this epidemic of gay suicides would end quickly.

When someone hates you it has nothing to do with you. Learn this now, live peacefully forever.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I had such a wonderful time talking with the boys at Chicago's Feast Of Fun show the other day. We discussed the impact of "shoulds" on bullies, gay suicide, as well as how we challenge destructive "shoulds" in our own lives. We also reviewed the five things gay men typically do to sabotage relationships, and the ONE thing that everyone can do to stop the spread of HIV (and it's not about condoms!). Please go to Feast of Fun to download the show (#1276 on 10/20/10) and tell me what you think.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

This is probably one of the biggest mistakes smart people make to ruin their lives. They use their feelings to determine what is absolutely true. They decide that just because something feels a certain way, then it must be an accurate reflection of reality. And as we have witnessed recently in the news, this type of thinking can be fatal.

To begin, feelings are not facts. They are experiences that can be extremely pleasurable or quite disturbing. Either way, they do not always reflect what is objectively taking place around you. For example: When I'm waiting for that subway train to come, I often feel like it's never going to get there, and then I experience frustration, impatience, and anger. The rational fact is that eventually that train will be there. It could be one minute, it could be twenty minutes, but eventually someday, sometime that train will appear. When I decide to believe my irrational feelings, I suffer the consequences, by having unpleasant emotions.

This can be especially troublesome in relationships when you feel like someone else is doing something wrong. A phone call or text message isn't returned quickly. Your partner is distracted. Your sex life decreases. These can all lead one to feel like a relationship is in trouble, when in fact, these can be common occurrences in any long term partnership. These changes may mean nothing at all. But if you make decisions solely based on how they feels, versus rationality, you are bound to be stressed out and unhappy, and possibly destroy a union that has value to both of you. Conversely, you may feel like someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, while the rational evidence may show that that person is not loving and caring towards you. Either way, feelings are not the best indicator of what is actually happening in reality.

Sadly, thinking that feelings are facts can have deadly consequences as well. We are too familiar now with the frequency that young gay/lesbian people take their lives while feeling like their life will never get better. Rationally, we know that life does get better, and the current "It Gets Better" campaign offers plenty of credible evidence to support this. Yet suicide attempts are made from the irrational thought, "I feel my life will never get better so that must be true."

Please keep in mind, there is nothing "bad" or problematic about feelings. As I said earlier, feelings can be wonderful pleasurable experiences. What brings unnecessary pain is suffering is when you use feelings to decide something is true at the exclusion of rational evidence around you. I may feel that train isn't coming, but all rational evidence would indicate it will. I may feel my life is over when all rational evidence would indicate it will get better.

If we want to live in a world with less suicide, less violence, and less suffering, then it begins by each person challenging automatic thought patterns. If you want to see young people live and thrive instead of taking their lives, then all of us need to be that change. We can all be part of the solution just by making some adjustments to our thought patterns.

I am so excited to announce that I will be doing an upcoming show with the brilliant and twisted minds behind Feast Of Fun. The Feast of Fun podcast is a daily talk show hosted by Fausto Fernós and Marc Felion featuring celebrity guests, artists, musicians, actors, friends and members of the GLBT community. The program is a roundtable discussion of unusual news, social trends and features cocktail recipes and interviews.

Few people work harder to bring intelligent, stimulating, and FREE news and entertainment to the world every day. Their contributions to the spirit and health of GLBT community are unmeasurable. They were honored on the one year Anniversary of Podcasting by the iTunes Music Store for having "helped pave the way for podcasts to go from underground movement to mainstream phenomenon.”

Please check out their incredible work at the Feast of Fun website, and come back to this blog to listen to our upcoming show.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I am so excited to announce this addition to the 3rd Annual Give Up Your Shoulds Dayevents. I
will be offering a FREE workshop in New York City, on Monday, November 1st, at the GLBT Center (208
W. 13th Street), from 8pm-9:30pm titled, "How to Lose The Should To Get The
Good". If you have EVER experienced any sadness or stress telling
yourself you should be any different than you are today, or if you want
to learn how to help others decimate cruel messages from bullies, then
THIS is the workshop for you!

Free treats will be served, and
signed copies of "Absolutely Should-less" will be for sale! If you are
in the New York area, please come join me. Questions? Email me at Shouldless@gmail.com

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Another gay related suicide was reported in the news today. In an earlier post, I discussed how all action is a response to a thought. In the case of a gay person committing suicide, or trying to commit suicide, it is always coming from the equation:

I should be straight + I should be normal

= I should be dead

It is way past time that we get smarter about this. Someone cannot take the extreme action of killing themselves without a "should" in their thoughts. A "should" is a rigid and inflexible belief about yourself, others, or the world. When you use "should" you are presuming you know how things "should" be, and demanding that things had better go your way or not at all. Suicide is an extreme response to this thinking.

I am proposing a one day moratorium on "shoulds" on Monday, November 1st. One day without, "I should be straight." One day without, "I should be normal." One day without, "There is something inherently wrong with me and I should change."

Sure, "it gets better," but absorbing that message requires someone to have faith in a future event. It comes as little comfort to someone who is seriously contemplating suicide. It is time to help gay youth stand up and fight against the "shoulds" that are demanding they kill themselves. Teach them how to say NO to the internal and external voices telling them they should die. Give them tools for intelligently and effectively challenging the thought, "You will never be normal so you shouldn't live."

It is not enough to blame bullies, legislators, haters. There will always be sources of negativity and hate in our lives. By living "should-less" you effectively protect yourself against the hatred and rigid standards of others. Living "should-less" is a recognition that they may hate you, but you don't have to hate yourself. I am living proof that these tools can save your life. They can help you too.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

If you have ever been to New York City, or are familiar with the transportation, you will know that New Yorkers are pretty dependent on the subways to get around. In the Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn, we are especially reliant on the L train to get anywhere.

This weekend the brilliant MTA suspended all L train service, thereby leaving Williamsburg commuters stranded / inconvenienced. Even better, this was not announced until Thursday, the same day we were told our monthly passes would be raised over 10% in December.

What a week for those of us trying not to clog the street with cars and fumes! However, as with all adversity, this is a wonderful opportunity to again practice living should-less. The reality is there are no L trains. This is true whether I "should" it not. There are ways to get into Manhattan for work, it will simply take [at least] an hour instead of my usual 15 minute commute.

If I sit around and talk about how horrible things are, then I pay the price for that, not the MTA. I will get angry, my blood pressure will go up, I will have trouble sleeping, and feel worse. If I tell myself that it's no big deal, I'm just a little inconvenienced, I have new music on my ipod to listen to, and this is just an opportunity to see more Little Miracles, then I feel better.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Get ready! The Third Annual Give Up Your "Shoulds" Day is coming on November 1st and YOU are invited to be part of it! For one day, you
are invited to give up a certain "should" that leads to stress, guilt,
misery, or any sort of sadness. Some examples of "shoulds" people gave
up last year included:

I should clean the house I should go to the gym I should be making more money I should lose weight I shouldn't still be grieving this loss

I should be getting more work done

I should call my parents more often

I should stop eating the leftover Halloween candy

..And
many many more. Everyone who gave up their "shoulds" last year reported feeling better that day. Some felt so good that they decided to give up them the next day too! Crazy as it seems, people generally live more calm and fulfilled lives when they give up the word "should." Go figure!

Remember, a "should" is any rigid thought you carry
about yourself, the people around you, and the world. It is NOT
necessarily tied to your action. For example, you could give up your
"should" about going to the gym, and then still go to the gym. It's not
about what you do or don't do, it's about the thoughts and beliefs you are carrying as you move through you life.

Here's how it works: at 2pm EST (11am PST) I will be doing a special one hour broadcast on blogtalk radio with the beautiful and "should-less" actress Jacklyn Zeman (Bobbie from GENERAL HOSPITAL). People will be invited to call in and discuss the "should" they are willing to try to give up for one day, and any obstacles to having a "should-less" day. Following that event I will be holding a Twitter conference answering questions about "shoulds", or anything else I am asked.

Keep checking back on this page for updates about events, contests, giveaways, and more! And get ready to have one of the best "should-less" days of your life!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I recently had the joy of talking to Shenell Edmonds, who plays Destiny on ABC's ONE LIFE TO LIVE. We had a lot to converse about, but the 16-year-old talent knocked my socks off when spoke out against bullying and gay suicide. Check out this clip: Press here to watch the full interview at We Love Soaps.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Every action is a result of a thought. When we are talking about preventing suicide, and more specifically, preventing the deaths of more young gay people, we are gravely remiss if we do not address the "shoulds" behind the attempts. More specifically, no gay suicide has been attempted without the following equation:

I should be straight + I should be normal

= I shouldn't be alive

If parents/educators/churches/mentors/communities don't start training youth to challenge and question harmful "shoulds," then I am concerned that there will be more deaths in the future. I am writing this to ANYONE out there, of any age, that feels there is anything "wrong" with being gay or lesbian. Borrowing from Absolutely Should-less, here is how I approach saving a life:

1. Who told you that you "should" be straight? This question encourages you to examine the unspoken "normal" parts of your world. Sources of this learning [or brainwashing] might be parents, bullies at school, church, society. You can learn how to question these sources, and decide if you want to believe everything you have been told to believe.

2. Is this "should" true for everyone everywhere 24/7? Is it true that everyone should be straight? Is it true that everyone in the world should be "normal"? And what, exactly, is "normal?" Isn't it possible for some people in the world to be gay and happy? If it's true for them, it can be true for you.

3. How does it feel when you think this "should"? Unhappy? Overwhelmingly depressed? Hopeless? What's implicit in this question is that how you feel is a direct result of what you are thinking. When you change your thoughts and beliefs, you change the way you feel.

4. Who is profiting or benefiting from your "should"? Who has the most invested in your unhappiness? The bullies at school who want you dead? The school that enabled the cruelty? The family that wants you straight? The homphobic right wing that hates gay people? ANYTIME you feel there is something wrong with you and you "should" be different there is someone who has something to gain. Do they really deserve that level of power over you?

5. What would one day be like without this "should"? Imagine one day without the "should." One day where you wake up without a "should" hanging over you about being straight or being normal. What what that feel like? What would you do? Where would you go? It is quite possible for you to have many more days like this if you let go of the "shoulds" that are causing you grief.

6. Who would you be without this "should"? Who would you be if you didn't think of yourself as somehow inferior or less than? Have you come to identify yourself as a "loser" or victim? It is easy to take that on if you have spent a lifetime of being mocked and attacked. But you still have the control over your identity and the responsibility to change that in order to have a happier life.

7. Replace the "should." Language is powerful. You can change your perspective by changing your words. Examples may include, "I'd prefer to be straight but I still have the right to be happy if I'm gay," or "I am deserving of love and happiness no matter what sexual orientation I am," or "There is no normal," or "Anyone who tells me I 'should' be anything has an agenda and does not have my best interests at heart so I choose not to believe them."

Using these tools daily, over and over, can change the way you see the world, the way you perceive difference, and even the way you see bullies. There are always going to be people in this world who have an agenda to bring you down. You do NOT ever have to give them the power to hurt you.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

If you watched the evening news this week in New York, you no doubt were told about all the things that had gone wrong in the city, and all the things that may go wrong in the future. Terrorism, murders, disease, tornadoes all par for the course when it comes to trying to scare New Yorkers.

However, I had another one of those little miracle incidents that will never make it on the news. I was coming into a subway station in Times Square after having a wonderful discussion with ONE LIFE TO LIVE's Shenell Edmonds (which will be posted at welovesoaps.net). It was raining and there were lines to get in. As I swiped my card through, the meter read, "Please swipe again at this turnstile." So I did as I was told. "Please swipe again at this turnstile." Lines got longer. I swiped my card again. On the third try it said, "Just used." Yes, the wonderful MTA took my $2.25 fare without letting me in. To add insult to injury, there was no station agent (due to cutbacks) and no one to report this to.

My only option was to buy another pass. Instead, a young woman behind me swiped me in! I could not believe a complete stranger would essentially give me $2.25 for positively no reason. "Consider it my good deed of the day," she said, and ran off on her way.

This event will not make any news shows. It will not get in any newspapers. If this young woman had shot/ hit/ assaulted me, hundreds of people would have known about it. Instead only the 15-16 people who read this blog will know about his little miracle in Times Square today.

There are little miracles everywhere if you look hard enough. I was blessed to have one appear today. Are you seeing any yet?

Damon L. JacobsLicensed Marriage Family Therapist

I am a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist in New York and California. My sixteen years of work have allowed me to develop comprehensive and effective tools for reducing stress and depression while increasing peace and happiness. I specialize in treating Addictions, Obsessions/Compulsions, Anxiety and Panic, Caretaking Fatigue, Social Conflict Resolution, Depression, Anger Management, Gender Identity & Transition, Grief and Loss, HIV related issues (including coping with a new diagnosis) and Sexual Identity & Coming Out, all with a sensitivity toward diverse cultural and spiritual backgrounds. My writing brings these elements together in fresh ways in order to challenge and eliminate harmful "shoulds" in my book Absolutely Should-less.

I am now accepting new clients in the Flatiron neighborhood of Manhattan. In addition to my therapy practice, I educate and recruit for HIV Vaccine Clinical Trials through Project Achieve, and also regularly contribute features regarding the social and psychological relevance of soap operas at We Love Soaps TV.

If you are interested in scheduling a counseling appointment, please send me an email at Shouldless@gmail.com, or call me 347-227-7707. I accept ComPsych insurance, and otherwise use a reasonable sliding scale. Late night appointments are available.