This Week in Cricket: 29/06/13

This Week in Cricket:

Everything’s Going to be Nine

The question of how Cricket Australia would make Channel Nine’s $450-million dollar broadcast deal worthwhile has been answered. Nope, not by allowing Nine to influence team selections. Instead, Cricket Australia has sold cricket’s soul in the name of cross-promotion.

Coming in 2013: The Voice, in which the cricket-mad panel of Delta, Ricky, Seal and that guy from the KFC ads who got caught with marijuana scour the country in the search for the best “howzat?!”;

The new locally-produced version of Two and a Half Men, starring Ed Cowan and Dave Warner as brothers with comically different tastes in everything, and Mark Cosgrove as their fat kid;

And The Block, in which handyman host Scott Camm and a team of amateurs attempt to rebuild Shane Watson’s defensive technique.

International Appeal

The Australian Government has surprised nobody by passing emergency legislation that allows Australia to name a foreign spinner in time for the 2013 Ashes in England. The legislation allows the Aussie government to fast-track citizenship in special circumstances – such as for elite athletes.

You know – never mind those people fleeing tyrannical regimes or oppressive poverty.

At a press conference in Melbourne, Cricket Australia CEO James Sutherland was quoted as saying, “…we’re chuffed to be able to bolster our Ashes squad with a spinner.”

This is likely to see Pakistani-born leg spinner Fawad Ahmed come in to Ashes calculations. But Sutherland stressed the need to not be hasty, explaining: “we won’t rush into naming Fawad in the team. We’ll explore all avenues first.”

These “avenues” include Saqlain Mushtaq, Anil Kumble and Paul Harris, amongst other retired international spinners.

Michael Clarke gave his support to the move, saying, “what could be more Australian than Ray Price ripping through England’s top order?”

Sutherland said, “we’re giving this our full attention. The last thing we want is another Imran Tahir. Unless he’s available…”

Pom’s Turn Poem

In an alarming twist, England have turned to poetry to rev up their supporters for the upcoming Ashes series. However, they’ve undone some of their good work by calling the beautifully-written piece “#RISE”, marrying Twitter and fine arts and causing the spontaneous death of several prominent british writers.

The Australian camp is preparing to fire a return salvo, commissioning Ed Cowan to write a brutal critique of the poem to shatter Great Britain’s national identity.

Taking [off] Mickey

Finally this week, former Australian coach Mickey Arthur has been sacked. You could have missed this, it wasn’t widely reported in the news. This move comes after Arthur confusingly stated that his team has “the best bowling attack in the world,” and Cricket Australia realised that Arthur thought he was still coaching South Africa.

Yep, that’s right: this has been This Week in Cricket, containing everything you need to talk cricket to your dumb mates.