Because knowing myself is harder than I expected.

Ultimatum

Is there anything worse than an ultimatum? No one likes to be backed into a corner, and when the decision is difficult or emotionally charged, that makes significantly worse. I find myself in that situation now, and I’m not liking it.

Less than three months into my father’s reappearance into my life, and I get the “If YOU want to be family, it’s up to you” message. Wait, what?

First of all, you don’t KNOW me. You don’t know anything about me, my family, my childhood, what things were like when you up and left. You were gone for almost twenty years, and in 80 days you want me to let you back in? Heck, I don’t even know what it would mean to have you back in my life, much less whether I’d even want to!

Second, NOW it’s my decision whether I want to be a family? Now, after you abandoned me to go pursue your wanderlust? Hmm. Would’ve been nice to have a say in the matter when I was young enough to need a parent (because I did need a parent).

I feel stuck. I don’t know this man, I don’t like the way he’s behaving (blamestorming, anyone?), and I don’t see a need for a father. However, knowing how he comes and goes as he pleases, this feels like it might be my only chance to know him at all.

A dear friend has told me a couple of times, “It’s never too late until the grave.” I agree with her, but who knows when the grave is coming? Do I have a couple of decades to be ready to reconcile? Do I have to do it right now?

I feel like I’m trying to force myself to want a relationship, to do the “Christian” thing. I WANT to want to have a relationship, but right now, I don’t.

I’m tired of this ultimatum hanging over me, but I’m not ready to respond. Who I am as a person dictates that I be gentle, because it’s not my heart to be hurtful on purpose. All that to say, this sucks, and I have no idea what to do. Hmm…