Category: Critiques

Remember back in the days when I loved Twilight? (If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, just play along.) And then I grew a brain cell, became a multicellular organism and realised how stupid, disturbing, crappy, grotesque, nonsensical, worst-shit-of-literature-I’ve-ever-read-esque it was? Well, this was NOT, I repeat: NOT, an attempt to relive those ignorant years of my unicellular life. This was me taking in that worst piece of rubbish just so I could rant and rave about how rubbish it is (oh, we human beings just love to loathe, don’t we?)

There are not enough words in the dictionary to tell you how nauseating that film was. Honestly, it managed to somehow disappoint my expectations of how shitty it would be by being even shittier! It’s amazing: I enjoyed Twishite more than New Moan, and Twishite was directed on low budget, by an Indie filmmaker, whilst New Moan was all big-time glitz and glam! How did it even manage to squirm its way through the cerebral lobes of those brainwashed girls (and guys — *vomit*) and embed within the very core the understanding that it is in fact in any way higher than the state of below shit-mode???

Cow dung has more nutrients than that ridiculous piece of gunk, even after progressing through the four stomachs of the infamous bovine creature and sucked dry of any useful goods!!! Those bloodsuckers sucked the goo from my eyes, the liquids from my cerebral cortex, the life from my body; if its point was to prove a point, then it has: a person CAN get stupider by stupidly watching stupid garble for stupid reasons that only proves that s/he is stupid.

I have seen worse films give me more pleasure, senile grandparents give a bigger erection, I’ve seen obese women shmooshing in bouts of ecstasy giving me more than that film has given me, and if those filmmakers had any sense (which they clearly don’t) then they’d stop producing those abominable things they think can even be classified as “films” and suck it up! What were those publishers even thinking when they were looking through that good-for-nothing manuscript??? What was going through their pea-sized brains??? (Scratch that: their non-existent brains?)

“Ooh, this looks like something we can brainwash the media with…”

“Look! Garble! Suits this generation!”

“Gunk dunk funk sunk lunk?” (i.e. nothing but junk?)

Overall:
Special effects: Laughable
Plot: Are you seriously asking me? Non-winding, non-twisting, non-pleasing, non-developing, non-satisfying, non-thoughtout, non-intelligent, non-plausible, non-realistic, non-fantasylike, non-magical, non…..
Characters: Read above.
Actors: Haha. You think actors develop and get better with more experience, but once again, Twishite proves us wrong.
Set and costumes: Same, old, boring shite, although the one plus were those red robes? But screw it, they look gay because its ultra-mojo-stick has been stuck up in the deeper colon of the unfabulous Twishite Saga.
Music: Same old, same old, doesn’t compliment the non-existent storyline, doesn’t emphasise the dry, bland moods created (what creating?) by the actors/actresses.
Editing: Shit.

I leave you with the assurance that I have a whole neverending train of insults and crapper-talk still ready to burst through these walls, but the sensible one in me states that it’s not possible for anyone to have even come this far with my ranting, so…

Bye.

P.S. In response to Rebels’ J.P. Douglas’s comment, “Guerrilla blogging! Take no prisoners!”:

And I intend to do just that 😀 (Scratch the smiley. Guerilla bloggers don’t smile. So not guerilla-esque.)