The tenets of ‘Manly-ism’

It may be true that the pay gap between the sexes is widening like Linda Lovelace’s maw in “Deep Throat.” And the women’s rights movement may be retreating as fast as these metaphors are getting tiresome. But all this overshadows a problem more important to me and selfish people everywhere. The problem of sexual inequality for men. That’s why I’m starting a movement for men. Reader, say hi to “Manly-ism.”

Fellow penis owners, it’s time we take for ourselves the powers that women have held alone for so long. The “fairer” sex has treated us rather unfairly. Women hugely outnumber men in one of the best careers out there: homemaking. A homemaker doesn’t even have to leave bed to begin staying at home all day. Women routinely enjoy obscene benefits like watching the soaps while ironing. Homemakers are their own bosses, get to do all the vacuuming and face no risk of being fired. Women clench onto several other desirable careers in their ovarian grip as well: pedicurist, Victoria’s Secret model and hobo gypsy fortuneteller. And don’t get me started about the exclusive country club-style snob-fest that is the WNBA.

I’m not done bitching; let’s return to the wage gap. Women earn $0.77 for every $1 men earn. In today’s society, it would be crazy for a man to demand that kind of underpayment. A guy asking his boss to pay him a mere 90 percent of what his female co-workers earn would be laughed out of his office. It doesn’t have to be that way. One of the first dozen or so rallies we hold will address the forced overpayment of men and the effects this has on their ability to make others feel guilty and consequently develop heart conditions. Also, enough with the pants, we look just as good in skirts.

You can do your part to champion the cause of “Manly-ism.” First off, start complaining all the time. This will get women to leave you alone so we men can finally meet on our own. You may learn that we have much in common and also secretly TiVo “Bridezillas.” Learning to form an independent community is the first step. So that one day, man, free from the shackles society welded to cripple his sense of self, will choose for the first time, independent of womankind, to give birth to a child. A child born of man, free from our current absurdities.

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