Have you considered that rather than no, you could say I would prefer.

OR

Would you my if we did this (sucked dick instead of fuck for example or vice versa).

When I was 16 and had my first male to female fuck, It started by my licking her to orgasm, She offered to return the favor and I suggested I did not feel comfortable with that. (I had really only suck two peoples dick. One my brother and the other, my mother's choice of a caretaker. Maybe a dozen timesmay be more. I think it is learning to suggest the alternative.

It's not like she believed I was virgin in the hetero-sexual sense. She thought I lied tp her and her sister. I couldn't know that sucking dick was uncomfortable, and licking a girl to orgasm if I were virgin. But without disclosing I Just indicated I would rather fuck (make love, put it in (whatever).

Any way . So my advice is they don't have to believe you, Just figure out how to say I would prefer ...

Boundaries - I find that for me I don't no where to set them or even set them properly. They are usually all or nothing. I sometimes decide to have no friends. Then if I try to have friends I'll let things happen that I shouldn't in order to keep the friendship going. Why can't I just remain open to friendships and know that some will work and others won't and not be afraid of either situation? If I could do that I think I would have the ability to set appropriate boundaries.

I view my abuse on 3 levels in many ways. There is the trust that was betrayed, along with the purely physical sexual abuse and also a lack of a father who showed loved for me as a boy. Each having some specific consequences for me in later life. All of which affect my ability to set appropriate boundaries. Sometimes I'm so desperate for a friend that I will accept anyone even if they could end up hurting me. Sometimes I won't trust someone who's clearly earned it, because of a self imposed boundary to protect myself.

Everything about relationships (sexual and non sexual ones alike) was affected by our abuse. In my case I was taught that what I wanted was only achievable through sex. So if I do manage to have a friend there is sexual tension caused by a desire to sexualize the friendship because I was taught that's how I get what I need. Crossing yet another boundary.

I've seen many stories of guys that were abused multiple times. I honestly don't know how I avoided that happening to me. I was so ripe to be abused again even as recently as in the last year. I even wonder if I've let myself be a victim again on all levels except for the sex. That's probably one for another post.

So, why do you have boundaries in one area and not another? Well you are the only one who can really answer that one. The ones in the bedroom - that may be more obvious. For me it feels like everything related to the physical act of sex has been so affected by my abuse. I feel as if sex with another guy would be so much more physically satisfying than what I can have with my wife, but I know my heart would not be in it. Why no boundaries outside of the bedroom - that one may be a little more complicated.

Hope this helps you figure out another piece of your puzzle.

_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

I want to recognize the incredibly thoughtful and insightful things I've read on this thread. Thanks to all of you for starting this conversation and continuing it. Our abuse was terrible. And, for many of us, the way we dealt with the abuse has not been healthy or good. But we are not defined by the abuse heaped on us. We're defined by what we make of ourselves. And I'm proud to be part of this group at this moment, which is a very rare feeling for me. Thanks... especially to ToddOP and ChaseEric.

Boundaries: the number one issue in my list of survivor symptoms. I am violated before I realize it. I'm learning to set boundaries and to see the infractions coming before they happen. It goes against my nature, or I should say, "what the predator programmed in my mind."

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