Recent News

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Hanna Montana's Secret Identity Revealed!

Item! Have you ever noticed that you never see Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana in the same room at the same time? (She's kind of like Superman and Peter Parker in that way.) Well, that's because the hot Disney singer and the hot teen singer are one and the same person! I hope I haven't put her father, country superstar Billy Ray Cyrus, in danger by revealing her secret identity, but it's news, and my job is to break big news.

Is it just me, or are there too many computer cartoons? Maybe my age is showing, but I'll take a good old-fashioned animated classic like Nimm's Secret over a dozen computer cartoons any day.

Item! One of the things that makes this country great is the way we choose our representatives, and we recently chose one of our most important representatives of all: Miss USA. It was nice to know that, in the midst of high gas prices and war and the subprime mortgage mess, we could come together as a nation and pick a young woman to stand for beauty and talent and womanhood for all America. And the winner this year, in a magical ceremony, was Miss Texas! As much as I like Donnie and Marie as hosts, I think that they made a mistake getting rid of Bert Parks. Now, there was a host! There was a voice! If they don't bring him back I'm not going to stop watching, but if someone could put a word in, that would be great.

Spring is in the air, so if you have bulbs that need planting, now is the time. What are you waiting for? Roll up those sleeves and get digging!

Item! Are they or aren't they? That question could apply to just about anyone or anything but, music fans, you know what I'm talking about! Rumor has it Bootylicious chanteuse Beyond and rap mogul Jay Zee tied the knot recently. Or did they? There's all sorts of conflicting stories behind these so-called nuptials, so I'll just put this out there: Jay, Beyond, you make a great couple, and you've been together for a while. So even if you didn't get married, you are married in my mind and in the minds of your fans. Why not just trot on down to city hall and get the paper?

Why do I know the name Kim Kardashian? I woke up in the middle of the night and it took me a few minutes before I realized that she was in a sex tape and is now on a reality show. But really, so what? She is just taking up the space in my brain that good, honest celebrities like Gabreille Carteris should hold. If it's that easy to get a reality show, I need to get an agent. But first, I need to get a good night's sleep.

Item! An anonymous New York businessman recently paid $1.5 million for a sex film of Marilyn Monroe. He says it will be kept private. All I can say is wow. No trashy sex tapes for Marilyn—no, she went for film. And it will be kept private. That's real class. You hear that, Miss Kardashian?

Item! I was walking down the street last week, when I started to get a powerful thirst for some peppermint tea (I cut out the coffee after noon as part of my new health regimen). I stopped by my favorite coffee shop and who should I spot but Ron Howard's brother! I have no idea what he was doing in my neck of the woods, but I decided I should just leave him alone. That didn't mean I couldn't watch him, though! Howard's brother seemed really down to earth. He ordered a latte, but he added his own sugar. Then he sat down and started reading The Cries Of 49 or something like that. I'll have to get that book and read it so I have an in next time I see him.

I just bought Bob & Doug McKenzie's album on CD the other day. And you know what? It still holds up. Take off, eh?

Item! It looks like the great lost cause of pop stardom Britney Spears is back on track. The head-shaving diva was recently in a car accident, but according to police on the scene, she passed the field sobriety test. You hear that, haters? There was no liquor involved. You go girl! We knew you could do it! You're only one step away from getting your kids back now. Let me know if you need a character witness.

A lot of people have wondered why I haven't weighed in on the Heath Leger tragedy yet. Well, you're just going to have to wonder a while longer.

Blind item! MTV gave a certain tubby gossip hack a series of one-hour specials about the goings-on of Hollywood. Hey, MTV, if you're so desperate to get commentary on the who, what, where, why, and when of celebrities that you'll hire any pathetic fatty who can bang on a keyboard and steal other people's pictures to post online, my number is in the book. And I don't work blue.

Well, that about wraps it up for this week's installment of "The Outside Scoop." I didn't get to everything I wanted to—like Jeff Bridge's parking problems or the identity of Hanna Montana—but that was only because of space. I meant to, honest! Hopefully, I'll put a little something in there about those jaw-droppers next time. But until then, the velvet rope is up, so I'll have to see you again on the Outside!

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

Trending Now

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.