Tuesday 7 February 2006 06.24 EST
First published on Tuesday 7 February 2006 06.24 EST

Outsized Toon chairman Freddy Shepherd is the man to add a bit of weight to a lean Rumour Mill this morning, with a week of gorging like never before ahead of him. Luiz Felipe Scolari and Martin O'Neill are on the managerial candidate menu, served with a cranberry jus, pureed aubergine and lightly crisped onion swirls. A suckling Sven has been wheeled past the table several times, but Freddy's decided even he can only stomach so many side dishes.

Sam Allardyce, meanwhile, has ruled himself out of the running for a torrid time on Tyneside. Or rather, Bolton chairman Phil Gartside has ruled him out. If Big Sam is going to be torn from his clutches, it had better be Beefy Brian Barwick of the FA's Hunt-a-Manager squad doing the tugging.

Rafa "I must get to the hospital to see poor Arjen Robben" Benítez proved his comedy credentials over the weekend but clearly struggled with maths at school - even Stephen Hawking is struggling with the equation: £27m strikers + 23 games = 30 goals. Djibril Cisse and Fernando Morientes look ripe for subtraction, while Rafa's hoping x + y = a spare £20m, which should cover Michael Owen's escape clause and one Jermain Defoe.

Kuddly Ken Bates reckons young players must be mad to sign for Chelsea if they actually want to get on a pitch before a loan move to Scunthorpe two years later. That hasn't stopped Freddy Adu, the American teen that's had middle-aged men salivating for almost two years, though - he's close to agreeing a summer move to Stamford Bridge, despite interest from a club that consistently fields the likes of Darren Fletcher and John O'Shea.

David Moyes and Big Sam won't let a piffling matter like the transfer window stop them; they're both chasing free agents with unnerving zest. Steffen Iversen could find himself heading balls just wide for Everton if today's medical goes well, while Bolton's midfield could be one heavier thanks to Gonzalo de los Santos.

And with managerial culling season well under way, Lord Ferg has made a pre-emptive strike at those questioning his transfer policy. "We have been looking for a Roy Keane replacement for over two years and nothing has changed," he grumbled, as if admitting to taking more than two years to find a robust midfielder was in some way reassuring. "I can assure you there is a big urge to scour the market for someone suitable."