Darth Huckabee Gets Pwned

Like every year around the holidays, we started ours off with four ruthless murders and a citywide manhunt, and then we put up the Christmas tree. What did you do?

Dear Mr. Shooter, thanks for bringing rational and irrational fears to this holiday season. They’re bubbling up like carbonation in this soda can called Seattle. There’s uneasy relief – I mean you’re dead, and that’s nice – but there’s still that old cliché we only break out on special occasions: how could this have happened in our town?The killings took place in Tacoma; the manhunt ended in Seattle. Sure, these things happen in bigger cities equipped for deranged mass murderers – places that sound Ford-tough that I’ve never actually been to, like Chicago (scary!) or St. Louis (who?) – or in TV shows called The Wire. But Seattle is kind of a hippie-dippy tech town that loves marijuana and at least pretends to embrace its’ cultural diversity, of which there is very little. I guess we had Ted Bundy, but he passed Go and collected $200 as a Famous White Serial Killer – plus, c’mon, that was way back in the seventies. People wrote books about him that practically celebrated his crimes and honed his image, making him a game show winner for being The Worst! One! Out Therrrre! [canned applause] I think there was a certain appeal in delving into Ted Bundy’s psyche, exchanging creepy stories about his childhood, bragging that your next-door-neighbor’s mom used to date him, following his trial; he was a serial-killing celebrity. Not so with Maurice Clemmons – he won’t be afforded that kind of distinction, not that he deserves it. He was black, and that’s a game-changer.

I understand that Ted Bundy committed more crimes than Maurice Clemmons, but somehow killing four police officers trumps 30+ murdered women. Or it’s “different,” because they were cops! it was cowardly! he actually looked like a killer! Is it because Clemmons was black, or because he took on the law? I don’t know. The press and public opinion surrounding each of them tells an interesting story.

Those are really different lists. Look, Maurice Clemmons (SAVAGE) was some of these things and more – but Ted Bundy (PROLIFIC) could also be described as white trash, savage, an ex-con, a domestic terrorist, a dangerous fugitive, an evil rapist, or demon spawn. Two murderers with very different images, although they killed, raped, and terrorized people just the same. Whether race is a part of this remains to be seen, and curiosity leads me to wonder: how would the press or public describe Clemmons if he had been a white man? Probably as a cop-killer, and not a white cop-killer. I believe Washington’s African-American population makes up roughly 4% of the state, and most of that is probably in the bigger cities, like Seattle. Is it any wonder that black men on Monday noticed a racially-charged change in the wind and felt unfairly judged on the streets?

On Manhunt Day, I monitored Twitter with fascination and horror as reports came in about the shooter. There I was, in my jammies, watching the manhunt unfold – and truthfully, feeling pretty good about being three stories up in a locked apartment with my Jiu Jitsu-loving boyfriend. All of a sudden, an email goes out to the UW students about the possibility of Clemmons being on campus (an email that did not go out to staff or faculty – UW SECURITY FAIL). ‘That’s pretty close,’ I thought, but shrugged it off; with so many kids and cell phones around, I assumed he would be caught. An hour later, the Esq says, “Do you know what’s going on in the park?” We looked out the front window, and there was our beloved Crack Park (officially known as Cowen Park) being cordoned off with crime scene tape; police cars swarmed, the SWAT team arrived, dogs sniffed around and streets were closed, plus the media on every corner. Believe me when I say: I RAN TO TWITTER AS FAST AS THIS BUM LEG WOULD TAKE ME.

The next day, when I read that he’d been shot, I felt rather pleased, as though I’d been involved in his take-down. Then relief, anxiety, and concern set in. The ‘It’s happened twice, it could happen again’ syndrome. I wondered if he’d been killed within the boundaries of the law, but then realized it didn’t matter to me. I’m glad he’s dead, which feels weird to write. I say that because 1) I’m a react-first, think-later type of gal, and 2) for the children of the fallen officers. If my dad had been killed in this horrible way, my perspective growing up would’ve been vastly different, living in a world where his killers roamed free. I hope the shooter’s death brings closure to the families, though what they need most right now is intangible. It will affect each home differently – forever – which is the total heart-crusher. No one should have to go through this.

Everyone loses here. The black community – with trust issues going both ways, and assumptions fueling racism and exposing ignorance. Our police force – when one is hit, they’re all hit. I can only imagine the psychological strength and/or top-shelf insanity one must have knowing that ‘death’ is a part of your job description. The families – so many children, and young, too. His victims, of which there were many. This legal system – Washington, Arkansas, everywhere. My state, the newest face of senseless cop-killing. All because of one man, and that man’s name is Jesus. Oops! I meant Mike Huckabee.

I kid, but seriously: poor Jesus. Maurice Clemmons, this crazed repeat offender and killer of cops – from a strange and terrifying land called Arkansas – wrote a predictable letter to Darth Huckabee, citing Jesus as a character reference. Unsurprisingly, Jesus had never heard of Clemmons, but no one bothered to check with Him. Darth was bamboozled by the obvious lies, and many took advantage of his boy-band crush on Jesus. So he granted the shooter another chance, because blah-blah this and Jesus that. What did JC do to deserve two followers like these cats, who used him in ways that led to this horrifying violence? I wash my hands of them, while Jesus gently weeps.

Oh, Mike. The only upside to this tragedy is that your presidential aspirations will spectacularly explode, kind of like fried squirrel in a popcorn popper. Just like you used to eat in college.

[Teresa reminded me that the shooter is technically an alleged shooter, since he was never convicted. So bully for him.]

I didn’t want Clemmons killed. In fact, I really hoped that I would see him on the street somewhere when he was on the run and be able to convince him to come with me to the nearest Police station because I just KNEW that, only walking into a station with a white woman, in front of witnesses, would he have any chance at survival.

There are reports that he had mental instability problems. Is this a failure of Mike Huckabee, or our Health System?

I wonder if, when he was in prison, he was given meds and therapy and really did reform. Then, when he came out, he slipped back into mental instability.