My therapist asked me to picture an old pirates treasure chest. I pictured a white one with a big silver lock on the outside and velvet covering on the inside. I was asked to place everything I was thinking and feeling into the box and lock the lid. She asked me what I would put in there and to be honest I said to her that I just wanted to climb into it and lock the lid to shut out the outside world….

The fear of the unknown kept me alive out in Afghanistan but I’m now back in the UK and I need to learn how not to be fearful anymore. this is much easier said than done because this fear brings on anxiety, which brings on depression, which brings on a feeling of low self worth, which brings on…you see where I’m going with this. One has a knock on affect to the next and I don’t know how to break the chain. Mainly because I haven’t even learn’t what all the triggers as yet. So how can I place all these into the treasure chest.

I guess if I placed all these thoughts and feelings into a box they would just look like a pile of junk. I’m currently packing all my belongings because I have to move yet again. When moving house you always have a box of odd bits left from all the different rooms, some items bigger than others. They all get thrown in randomly with no real organisation. That’s how items in my treasure chest would be, no sense can be made of the items as they are too jumbled.

Our unstable mental health can also contribute to our physical health. I have been that run down I have attracted a terrible cold, random chest pains, problems breathing especially during panic and anxiety attacks and terrible headaches which knock me out for the full day! My appetite has taken a beating as well so some days I can eat loads and other days I eat next to nothing. When I do it its mainly junk as I don’t have the inclination to cook. What I have done is to start to order ready made meals from Wiltshire Farm Food’s so at least I’m having some decent meals.

Will I ever overcome this? I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to. I am trying all I can to keep my head above water and I’m still learning to cope with all the symptoms and triggers. What I also need to be conscious of is how my condition and moods affect those around me. I can’t always wear a fake smile so most of the time when I can’t fix my smile I try not to be around anybody so I don’t bring their mood down with me. Some days I just can’t do that though so please be patient with me….

My RAF career is over after almost 20 years service and this upsets me tremendously. I signed up for a life long career yet it is this career which has now lead me down this road…

I decided to go public with what I’m struggling with as I know there are others out there sufferring who cannot speak out for their own reasons. The only way I’m going to reach them is if I step up and be as open as humanly possible. If my blogs help just one person other than myself then this is all worth it. I speak from the heart about my experiences and struggles as open and honest as I can be. I struggle with trying to understand the need to carry on some days. What’s the point? What’s my purpose? Why even bother anymore? It’s exhausting dealing with the symptoms associated with PTSD and it’s sometimes impossible to avoid the thoughts of just ending it all. As I have said on previous posts although my thoughts are dark sometimes I do have a light that brightens my way back onto the track…my true friends, my family and my gorgeous doggy Mitsy. They are my shining light that’s keeps me from the darkness within…..

I have PTSD….I’m aware of it and try to make it through each day without letting it control me. It’s not an easy time for me and it just sucks. Some days I reach the point where I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I guess this is the reality of PTSD. This is my reality.

For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t understand, no explanation is possible….

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.