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Dr. Megan on Sports Bras

Do not attempt to put a sports bra on after a hot shower or in hot weather – nothing good comes of trying to don something that transforms into a mini straight jacket when you add so much as a droplet of sweat.

I’m not fucking kidding. This is dead serious. I’m super cereal y’all. I just about dislocated my goddamn shoulder trying to put one on the other day. It was a horrifying and scarring experience and looked a little something like this:

As you can clearly see, the purple sports bras had me completely incapacitated in it’s vice-like grip. I’m fairly certain (because at some point I think I lost consciousness) it had me in a sleeper hold. Also, my arms have like a thousand joints apparently.

Since this incident, I have devised a fool proof strategy for putting on a sports bra in hot weather:

1. Don’t.

2. I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t do it.

For anyone insane enough to try this thinking that their shoulder will dislocate and they’ll have to be rushed to the hospital where some handsome doctor man will heal all your ills, allow me to paint you a word picture.

You’re stuck in a position even a contortionist from Cirque du Soleil would look at and say “you’d have to be fucking nuts to try that one!” and your boobs are hanging out because you never got them covered by the stupid sports bra. Not only are they exposed, but they’re kind of in a weird position because the sports bra is not only choking your neck but your chest as well.

Of course, now you’re stuck like this and can’t use your phone to call 911. Your only hope is to yell and scream until some good Samaritan comes to your aid. Unfortunately either no one does and you’re left to die alone of starvation because you certainly can’t feed yourself in your current predicament, or a neighbor comes to check on you, having heard your pleas for help, but upon seeing you and the ridiculous situation in which you find yourself, they literally laugh themselves to death. Now you’re stuck starving to death with a dead body next to you. And let me tell you, my friend, there’s a reason Eau de Corpse is not a fragrance offered by Febreeze.

The lesson we should take away from all this? If someone could have just convinced Hannibal Lecter to try to put on a sports bra he would never have escaped and eaten all those people.

Actually apparently either spelling is acceptable – although vise does seem to be more associated with the way in which I was using the word but technically vice isn’t incorrect 😉http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/vice – you have to go more than halfway down the page to find the reference but it’s there!