Assistant/Atlas: Hollywood's Young Shoulders

Sunday, July 31, 2005

How to Not Screw Up Entourage: 2.49

I'm sorry to be writing again, but I have some concerns about the show. But first, congrats on the news you'll be getting a third season. Hey, me too! Since you'll be having a third season, I thought I'd try my hand at some unsolicited advice.

I've been pretty happy with how the second season is going-- what with the plots and storylines and characters being funny. It's certainly markedly better than your embarrassing first season. So let's not f*ck it up, okay guys?

Now, I've put together a list of things that you'll need to avoid in order to have a great third season.

So Entourage, whatever you do, DO NOT:1) DO NOT PISS OFF SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG. And learn how to pronounce her name properly. We need her for a big romantic comedy angle with a freshly-made-over-and-trying-be-successful-manager-guy Eric in the third season. And I want it to be f*cking cinematic and breath-taking. And hire Tarantino for an episode that puts her in a skin-tight suit and allows her to fight evil ninjas for some reason. I don't know how you're supposed to get her to do it. Just put Mark Wahlberg on it, maybe that'll work.2) DO NOT LET ARI STOP FOR ONE SECOND. If you have a thirty minute show, I want ten good minutes of Ari going bananas. Frankly, I'd watch the show if it was just scenes of Ari in his office talking on the phone-- but I think that's just me. But seriously, I want Ari to do everything you'd never thought they do in Hollywood. Oh, and if you need story ideas, feel free to troll my blog. Or hire me. Whichever.Give this man an Emmy3) DO NOT FORGET YOU ARE ON HBO. Balls to the wall, baby. I want sex, drugs, action and drama-- and I want it all to be funny. Nothing spikes ratings [or my pants] like lewd sex. 4) DO NOT STOP BEING "HOLLYWOOD". Remember, people like celebrities. That'll get you the viewership of the suburban white kids. But if you want real Ho'wood cachet, make sure to keep it very LA-centric. [occasional jaunts to Sundance are acceptable] Us Angelenos like seeing our city looking beautiful, even if we hate it when filming f*cks up traffic.

And now, an actress who deserves all the work she can get and my favorite assistant in the entire pop culture universe:You like ninjas, right, Samaire?

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Assistant/Atlas Gets Third Season, Global Frequency Still In Doubt: 2.48

It has recently come to my attention that I have been dubbed a "Blogebrity", which, as you might have guessed, is an ancient Viking sailing ship . . . actually it's a ranking of the most famous and most influential bloggers in town.

And a ton of others, most of whom I'm unfamiliar with, but all of whose blogs I will probably be scanning quite soon. Oddly, this puts me ahead of Peggy Archer's Totally Unauthorized, John Rogers' Kung Fu Monkey, Tom McCormack of the OC Idiots [new to the Rolodex], Jolie in NYC-- that's the blogger who LOST her career due to blogging, Margaret Cho(!), and CityRag, who are all C-List.

So obviously, THE Hollywood Assistant Blogebrity will be back for another season. Yes, that's right, the fun continues. Now, we've got just two more episodes until season-finale cliffhanger. What do you think it could be, huh? Isn't it getting exciting? I, for one, am so angst-y I'm nearing an existential breakdown. Woo-pee!

Upcoming in the Third Season of Assistant/Atlas

A Re-Tooled, Revamped, Re-invigorated and even more fun Whisper Price Game! [details forthcoming]

More Naming of Executives: Both Asstastic and Excellent.

A NEW FEATURE! A NEW FEATURE THAT INVOLVES HOT, SWEATY SEXUAL TENSION! And maybe even R-rated naughties. It's really all up to Ryan Colucci.

Also upcoming. . .Better Site Design, maybe get my Blogroll, the Rolodex of Assistant/Atlas, in order. I should, I really should. But seriously-- I must prioritize a little. And the fact that I'm about to run out of money forces me to re-prioritize the job situation to the top of the list.

A guest appearance by Sloane? What? More Sloane stories? GASP-- could that b*tch be back? Speaking of Sloane, Maggie reports that she took some flack for commenting on my blog, so she probably won't be doing that again. Oopsies.

Oh, stay tuned, kiddies, stay tuned...

The following is for everyone on the Global Frequency: Don't believe that the Global Frequency is dead. That's what the WB publicity hacks want you to think. Their strategy is to shut down the torrents, play down the controversy, and ultimately make GF die a quiet death and be a historical footnote. Yeah, I know what Warren Ellis said. Warren Ellis has to play nice with the WB if they're going to even think of releasing the rights, let alone the pilot. Plus, he doesn't want to become a blacklisted writer, so he must tread carefully or the hordes of WB lawyers could descend upon his head.

The important thing is to take this "news" for what it is: A Strategy

Guess what, WB and all media, you might've been able to play like that before, but it's now 2005-- and we're onto you. We know a fauxmance when we see it [TomKat] and we know a bomb before we see it [The Island]. And it's only going to get easier for us. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. Ahem.

If you hate the WB and their stupidity and are will to fight stupidity with stupidity then let this be known to you:

If you don't have BitTorrent, you can click for the page to download it from. If you have BitTorrent, and you want to find a torrent that you can use to oh, I dunno, search for something called the Global Frequency, you can click here for that. Be prepared for this process to take 4-6 hours on a reasonable connection as it's a pilot for an hour-long show which is 455 Mi/B, I believe. Or Ki/B, or whichever one is bigger.But obviously, that would be bad for you to do.

This concludes the Global Frequency transmission.

Hey, kids in LA, Atlas is going out on the town tonight for Jungle Computer's birthday. If you're into blogebrity sightings, you might check out Silverlake & Glendale bars with Rouge Leo vibe to them. Say around ten? Bring an entourage, it'll be fun.

Why yes, I AM famous.Atlas is now a blogebrity-- if you'd like to be in my entourage, you may leave your resume in the comments. Please be beautiful, vapid, hollow, charming, well-dressed and highly syncophantic.

Editor Mark Lisanti of Defamer, the Ho'wood branch of Gawker Media, needs to realize that he is freaking people out with these ICM buyout rumors. You had better know something we don't. Or you had better know which random email rumor-mongers to accept as gospel. Because seriously, Mark, as much as you like to play around with your site, you have the power to affect people's lives. Like mine. Okay, enough. Now, on with the fun, pointless crap:

Really, we get it. We know you're a grounded, normal person, not your typical 'celebrity'. You can have the 'America's Sweetheart' crown if you want it. But you have to do one thing for me, Ms. Garner.

The thing is, Jen [can I call you, Jen?], you'll convince other celebrities that they can do the same thing. And if celebrities start doing things for themselves, we're going to have EVEN MORE out-of-work assistants. And right now, that is something the LA labor market simply cannot bear. So, please, Jen, have some celebrity self-respect and make your assistants do everything. Please?

Signing autographs is acceptable celebrity behavior--and working on Alias. Let your people do the rest, 'kay?

While we're on the topic. . .Alias or Lost spoilers anyone? I love spoilers, especially for JJ Abrams shows. Especially if they're totally not true. Comment away. While we're on the subject:

I love you, JJ Abrams. Won't you take me away from all this pain and suffering and make me your assistant? I promise to sprinkle rose petals at your feet, worship any ground you've walked upon and make your coffee just the way you like it.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Brain Drain Watch: Nickelodeon: 2.47

Yesterday, I reported on the wasting of talent-- specifically, mine, but in the context of my generation at large. Today, I'd like to delve a bit deeper. Follow me, dear readers, as we explore the underbelly of the greatest children's media empire not controlled by the Olsen Twins.

This empire, Nickelodeon, is discouraging truly creative people from joining its ranks, antagonizing business contacts, and just being asstastic overall. And Atlas will try to show you why this could be a horrible sign for not only the kiddies, but Wall Street as well.

You know what would be fun--if bloggers could disseminate stories that sent stocks plunging. Like if Viacom's stock just plummets when the markets open as analysts question their corporate culture. I don't think bloggers are quite that powerful, yet, but they are if other media outlets back them up and catch on to a story. But I digress.I Hate YouLet's take a quick look at Viacom's tentacles [ed. A/A, via Wikipedia]: Viacom Inc. essentially has operations in five segments: Cable, Television, Radio, Outdoor and "Entertainment". The Cable Networks segment consists of MTV, VH1, BET, Nickelodeon and Showtime Networks Inc. The Television segment consists of the CBS and UPN, the Company's TWO nationwide broadcasting stations, plus its tv production and syndication business. The Radio segment owns and operates 183 radio stations through Infinity Radio. The Outdoor segment, through Viacom Outdoor, displays advertising on various media--that's billboards, mostly. The "Entertainment" segment includes the activities of Paramount Pictures, Simon & Schuster, Paramount [Theme] Parks, and the Company's movie theater and music publishing operations.

Anyway, if Nickelodeon is symptomatic of the corporate culture of Viacom, then it could be one big, sick, monopolizing media giant. A Midwestern rep for a theater coined the term I will be using to refer to the people at Nickelodeon-- "Nazi Sluts from Hell."

In having to deal with their extravagant demands, my Midwest contact, whom I'll call "Tess of the d'Urbervilles", declared that it was enough to make her hate everyone in Los Angeles. And she knows and loves me, so that was a tough prejudice for her to create. But it's not just a witty, random assistant in the Midwest that was put off by the ways of the Nick aka- Nazi Sluts from Hell.

There's more than one talented, truly artistic, highly-educated [read: USC] animator in Los Angeles that was put off by the corporate culture they found there. I'll be re-creating a fictional [but ultimately truthful] conversation I had with two disaffected ex-Nazi-Sluts-from-Hell grunts. I'll call them Jesse and Chester, after the heroes of "Dude Where's My Car?", no wait, just Ashton & Seann William. There we go:

Atlas: "So how's the job at Nickelodeon?"Ashton: "Oh man, I totally quit. Nickelodeon f**king sucks."Atlas: "Really, why?"Ashton: "They're just tools man, everyone. It just. . . sucks."[Seann William enters from the bathroom, buttoning fly]Seann: "Wait, dude, what sucks?"[Ashton looks confused, looks to me]Atlas: "Nickelodeon. . . dude."Seann: "Dude, Nickelodeon does f**king suck. I told Ashton not to work there, but he was all 'Dude, Spongebob!'"Ashton: "Dude, it was so not like that at all. I didn't even work on Spongebob."Atlas: "Dudes, chillax. Seann, why didn't you like Nickelodeon?"[Seann sits on the couch, inspects bong, then, thoughtfully:]Seann: "I dunno, it was just, like, what am I doing here? It's not like 'Everyone wears suits', it's like they ARE suits. And they're assholes and they're making me do stupid sh*t and after awhile, it was just like 'No thank you corporate bullsh*t world.'"

Seann, Ashton, thanks for the chat, guys. It was really informative.Seann and Ashton may be idiots, but they're also talented. I'm serious. Ashton's drawings are just, mesmerizing. Arresting and absolutely stunning. Seann is smarter than he sounds, especially when he's around Ashton. Well, Ashton and marijuana.

Anyway, they both could really be someone useful/productive/awesome-- and they are still going to be, Nazi Sluts from Hell or no Nazi Sluts from Hell. Ashton's now working as an editor in a postproduction studio doing postproduction-y editing things. He's not exactly happy, but let's just say he ain't exactly poor, either. Seann's actually going back to school-- to USC's fledgling video game design program. I forget the fancy name they have for it. It might actually just be 'video game design'.

The point is, Nickelodeon's totally heinous corporate culture drove away two kids who, despite their flaws, could have done very great work in the right creative environment. And they also managed to alienate even a thick-skinned, go-with-the-flow assistant like Tess. Sure, maybe Nickelodeon will only take people like me, creative types who can face mountains of BS and still soldier on. But there are consequences to corporate actions and it'll show when you're trying to produce cutting-edge kids' programming. I may be wrong, you Nazi Sluts from Hell, but if I'm not, you're going to drive away all the hot talent and all the cool kids. And then you'll be a left with a bunch of suits trying to 'create original programming'. And that, well, that would be funny to me. But for you, Nickelodeon, it'd be a shame, a very unprofitable shame.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Worst Kind of Wasted: 2.46

"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn burning for an angry fix."

Ack-- is that even right? I used to be able to recite, like, scary amounts of that poem from memory. Working for an angry little man must've rotted my brain. And if you don't recognize that 'best minds of my generation line', you missed some required reading somewhere along the way.

The best minds of my generation are being wasted on stupid, meaningless, idiotic monkey-tasks while old fat cats get rich for doing less than nothing. It feels like if we ran the world, we'd do it much, much better. Here's the good news- you've made us truly believe in the power of democracy more than any other generation has in a long while. Here's the bad news- we now know you're evil and we might want to do something about it.

And we've still got our free speech for now. The class system sucks, the business world sucks, my education sucks, the air I breathe totally sucks. The world I'm being handed is a craphole-- and you want a f*cking double-foam cappuccino? Well, right away, sir!

All I'm saying is that I, like many [but not all] in my generation, am being wasted. Literally, figuratively, however you want to slice it, my talents are being actively discouraged, my mind dulled, my muses ignored, my ambitions trampled. None of the 'creative industries' in Los Angeles can seem to find a place for someone who 'actually reads scripts' and 'acts in a [proven!] positive creative capacity'-- despite my being 'involved in great projects' and 'a natural for a development position. . . down the line'.Why? WHY?!?! [howls]

Hey, Dubya, Schwarzenegger, where's the vibrant globalized economy I moved out here for, huh? I got the weather, just missing that whole 'American Dream' aspect. Hell, I'll put up with the rock stars in the 'California Dream', if you just don't let me fester too long before swooping me from these hot, dusty streets. Please, I can only beg for so long. . .

Oh, except for the anonymous blog, of course. There I'm doing great, nice influx of traffic and links, ton of email to go through, lots of old assistant stories, plus hot gossip [Superman Returns gossip straight from the set-- bidders? Wait, wait do they do gossip on Ebay?] It's all there-- for the BLOG.

My career is in the toilet. Neither sharks nor dolphins are calling and the other options seem to be well-- 'meh' at best. But I do kinda like being an anonymous crusader. It's like being a superhero, but being one in real life-- which frankly, is not as interesting as it sounds. It's like, how many massive global emergencies are there? Well, some, but not that many, really. Most of the time, I just sit around in my superhero lair off Mulholland and wait for the phone to ring. "Oh, another email, I'll get that roomie, just lemme use your G5 again."

Look, I know Ho'wood is a messed-up industry. Really, I've been there. I'm there now. But I have to keep my eyes on the prize, count the blessings I've got, and soldier on. So I leave you with this:

Dave Chappelle once asked: "What happens when you take two of Brooklyn's finest emcees and put 'em together in a group?""Well," he continued, "then you have my next guest. Make some noise-- Mos Def, Talib Kweli-- Blackstar."The following is a PSA from the Blackstar Embassy in Brooklyn entitled "What Is Beef?"

[Atlas note: The song discusses the meaning of 'beef'-- American slang generally known to mean 'problems' or 'conflict' or 'drama'. For example, Mos Def says: "Beef ain't the summer jam for Hot 97. Beef is the cocaine and AIDS epidemic." In the context of this, it's impossible to make a LA-is-a-cocaine-candyland joke. . . see it's working already.]

Take it away, Blackstar. . .

Talib Kweli [on beef]: "It's terrorists with etiquette /who vote and kill their president, /the capacity for evil's so evident and prevalent. /Ain't no hesitation, resolve /a nation dissolve /while we sit back waiting to evolve /those who trade in their freedom for their protection deserve neither."

Mos Def:"When a soldier ends his life /with his own gun /beef is tryin' to figure out what to tell his son. /Beef is oil prices and geopolitics /Beef is Iraq, the West Bank, Gaza Strip /Beef is real, like happening, everyday /and it's realer than them songs that you dedicate, Slay."

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My Mom and Alias News

After a long day of working my resume/phones/contacts, trying to angle a big assistant job, I couldn't take it anymore. No one calls me back. EVER. Sure, I've got more email than I can handle at Assistant/Atlas, but will any of the damn HR people I faxed or emailed or friggin' hand-delivered [you are NEVER getting that shameful story] just call me back?Answer: No.

But when I talked to my dear mum on the phone, after telling of my trials in trying to get a new job [but not the blog stuff], Mom told me: "Atlas, I want you to know that you're a wonderful, intelligent, talented person. And you'll find the right job, soon, you've just gotta hang in there and I know you can do it." And she said it just right, just like a mom should.

Then suddenly, I was re-invigorated. I was revived. Because I am a wonderful, intelligent person and I WILL find myself a job. So, f*ck you, pessimism-- I'm gonna kick your a$$. Because my Mom believes in me.

So that's the lesson for the day, kids. Believe in yourselves. Anyhoo, I'm off to smoke some drugs and probably have sex. Ciao. Alias spoiler in comments section, look with caution.

Job Hunting Is So Much Fun: 2.45

I just love putting on suits. Boy it is SO fun-- probably even more fun than a greasy spoon enema.

It's almost as much fun as selling your soul to a big agency.My avatar looks nice in a suit.

I wish I could tell you more about my job hunts, but I've got Defamer and a big chunk of Ho'wood looking over my shoulder, so at this point, it's just not possible.

Now, for those of you out there who have had dealings with the big agencies in Ho'wood, I need your help. Please take the poll in the sidebar and help me decide which agency I should end up at. Note: The agency chosen as MOST evil may in fact be the one I work for. I'd just like to know what I'm getting in to. With that in mind, please take a moment to vote in the poll.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Whisper Price Game: Indie Darlings

This week's game will allow you to rant and rave about some of your favorite and least-favorite indie darlings. For frame of reference, let's just say you're an assistant at CAA, and you're calling to get them for a crappy 'love interest' role or something in a stupid Michael Bay movie.

But first, in Chad Michael Murray news, Michael K. over at D-Listed is running a poll-- the topic: "Which Current 'It' Boy would you work over until they were raw?"

While Atlas is not big with the man-on-man action, he does have a man's drive to win. So before you play 'Whisper Price' today, head on over to D-Listed and cast a vote. Chad's up against Kirsten Dunst's beard [Jake Gyllenhaal], the OC's Adam Brody [hey, i'm all for geeks being attractive, but seriously, do you have a carnal desire for him? I don't think so], Chris "Human Torch" Evans, Tyrese [who just needs the one name, apparently] and Kimberly Stewart. But right now it's a tough four-way fight between Chad, Jake, Chris and Adam, with Chad currently in the rear. And that's not where you wanna be. Vote at D-Listed.

A former indie queen/darling, Winona Ryder will always be close to my heart for "Heathers", but what's she worth after "Free Winona"?

Michael Pitt-- is this indie cinema's new leading man? Seriously. Who else? Johnny, Matt and Ben [and Casey], Benicio del Toro, even Michael Rappaport lost it awhile ago with their big agents and strong celebrity personas. There's precious few who aren't manufactured. After an indie-cred-giving naked star turn in "The Dreamers", Gus Van Sant seems to think Pitt's got the goods to immortalize almost-Kurt Cobain on film in "Last Days". He just might. Rumors of a present?/former? drug [at least coke] addiction persist, and his recent shabby appearances haven't helped. So he's definitely still 'indie'. But is he a star? How much would you offer him for his soul? You know, as an opening.

Parker Posey is brilliant. Give the woman some credit, I don't ever remember seeing a movie with her in it that I didn't like, she's never become a big, huge star and she's played every role she's had with relish. And she's been working impressively since at least "Dazed and Confused" in 1993. Yeah, that's a twelve-year career of solid performances. And what does she have to show for it? Well, a slate of more small-budget indie fare, except for Bryan Singer's big-budget affair, Superman Returns.

Chloe Sevigny gave a ten-minute BJ for her 'art'. What would you pay her to give you a simulated BJ on your art? I hate Chloe Sevigny, and it's not just because she has a pretentious French name that's hard to spell, because I can forgive THAT easily, but she's just so. . . boring on-screen. She wasn't even that good in "Boys Don't Cry", which was a bracingly good movie.

Vincent Gallo. Listen, Vinny, Buffalo '66 scared the crap out of me-- in a good way. But let's watch the excessive facial hair on your IMDB pic, huh? Don't wanna scare off those potential actresses/dates, do we?

And finally, the man that even the mighty Tom Cruise can't wrestle to the ground--it's everyone's favorite, Harvey Weinstein. Now, I know Harvey's not an actor or anything, but let's talk about him anyway. Now is the time to anonymously post those Harvey stories I know you have. I know you have them.

So there's today's Whisper Price Game, brought to you by Assistant/Atlas. Be sure to click your waiter.

Warning: Drunken, Vaguely Political Rant Ahead: 2.44

But first, this sober stuff:

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY! The Whisper Price Game is coming up later today! Yay! Today's topic: 'Indie Darlings'. I can't wait-- I'm probably scouring the Internet for the perfect pictures at this exact moment.

I've also been deluged by emails, so if it takes me awhile to get back to you, sorry, I'm trying. Trying to get together a global frequency is tough, but Aleph at least had some good training.

Now if you'll remember, I've given up drunken blogging after the whole Todd/Seth (Spawn/Family Guy creators respectively) "Hot Toddy" nickname fiasco, which I still feel bad about. So no drunken blogging. [I'm unemployed though, so I can't give up drinking]

But I still enjoy writing when I'm nice and wasted, and sometimes, you just can't stop me-- EVEN WITH ENTREATIES OF LEWD, DRUNKEN SEX. Yes, folks, you read that correctly. I'm such a dedicated writer, that I, a young man in the 21st century, can resist the alcohol-fueled urge to have sex with a beautiful woman. And it has now happened more than once in my lifetime. If you want proof that I'm at least a dedicated writer, there you go. Oh--hey, and proof I'm a good lover, right? I get sex entreaties! Atlas gets lewd sex entreaties!

Obviously, it was something I had to feel strongly about to pass up hot lovin'. I still do feel strongly about Global Frequency, of course, but it's so much drier and not as funny as my drunken rants usually are [especially since I had to edit out the part about Sloane's wife--just kiddin' Sloane, keeping you on your toes]. But since I resisted the urge to have sex to write it, I kinda feel like I should at least share, ya know?

It's all about how revolutionary the Global Frequency franchise could be. It's been sober-edited by me, so it should be safe for consumption.

Now, on to the drunkenness:*Please note that the following was written while drunk and does not represent the sober opinions of Assistant/Atlas, should such a person even exist.*Where is my hand around Paris? Let's just say it's near London.

Would this argument hold up in the Supreme Court? Get on the Global Frequency, Scalia.

I'm tired of being pushed around. I'm not taking it from Sloane and I'm willing to fear the wrath of the WB because the Global Frequency pilot was, in my view, thrown in the proverbial circular file by them. Therefore, since the WB never intended on putting it to market, it should have become fair game because they passed on it. You can take things out of the garbage and nobody complains.

Courts are not tech-savvy, our government sucks and we're all suffering because of it. But you knew that. But what you may not know is that eventually, we are going to win. The Global Frequency, I mean.

Lacking a way to actually see or even purchase the material, people turned to technology and unleashed what has become a global phenomenon. If you'd just done the show with that great team in the first place, all of this could've been avoided.

F*ck you, WB. You screwed this up originally by not picking up what was obviously a superior show to some of the ones you did. You're actively screwing this up as we speak. Well, maybe not. Maybe you're considering bringing back Global Frequency, but don't want to overshadow any of your other shows. Except that it's summer-- there aren't any new shows! And you can distract people from your stunning Emmy nomination spanking. Sending out feelers, at least, about GF (like the possibility of getting Michelle Forbes and Aimee Garcia back) would give geeks hope, spread around the word so that by the time it appears next summer or fall, you've got some sweet buzz behind it. And you get to be a trend-setter, WB, wouldn't that be nice? And hello, if you re-shoot the pilot and do 12-13 episodes you could make a pretty penny of that sh*t in a box on DVD. Mmmm. . . DVD revenue. You like that, WB, don't you? You want it bad, badder than you wanna hump my avatar all the way to the bank.But otherwise, WB, I am going to f*ck you up. I mean it, WB network, I know you don't think I can. Well, you're right. But this David is aiming a stone for your Goliath nutsack.

The Global Frequency can find a new home--F/X, SciFi, any network that wants to step up its syndicated global distribution.

You see, in the process of backing the Global Frequency, in talking with newly-anointed C-List Blogebrity John Rogers and others, I learned something. I learned that I don't need you. That's right, that goes for all of you networks-- I'm going to start making you irrelevant. Unless you give me what I want, I'm going to go on the Internet and find it myself--probably without ever paying you.

Yeah, it'll totally destroy the entertainment industry's revenues and then me and thousands of good people like me in Los Angeles would be out of work. . . okay, maybe dozens of good people, lots of stupid f*cks I could give a sh*t about-- but hey, some good ones.

You can call it rampant piracy, but you just aren't smart enough to stop it. Even the geeks you hire can't outwit an entire Global Frequency. It's a type of fourth-generation media, to borrow John Rogers' terminology [which he himself got from another source], and it doesn't involve you. Put simply, it involves content-makers having their own distribution channels [read: Internet & DVDs] and going direct to pop culture consumers with their products.

Like bloggers already do. Every, single day. And now they get some media coverage. Well, except for us useless anonymous ones like me. So that's it, WB. F*ck you.

* END OF DRUNKEN BLOGGING *

See, aren't you glad I scaled that one back and edited it? Trust me when I say it was worse-- and wordier.

First up, John Rogers clarifies the Global Frequency's legal rights. This is a direct email quote from him, nothing altered in any way, even his British spelling of 'behavior' [silly John, there's no 'u' in American behavior]. He told me to quote liberally, so here I go:

"GLOBAL FREQUENCY was, as far as I know, done for WILDSTORM, making it a DC therefore Time/Warner owned property. It's up to them to do whatever they hell they want with both the property and the pilot that was actually shot -- and as that pilot's what's got mad tech buzz, international fans popping up and is starting to attract major mainstream press, I'd guess that'd be what they'd want to do something with.

Even now I'm talking to some fine folk at Warner Brothers, trying to hash out some way to give the thousands of fans a legal way to get a show they want. And, might I add, the fan mail and buzz has all been ABOUT getting a legal copy. These are not pirates flipping us off, these are fans who are offering to pre-buy the box set for a show WHICH DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. If we're going to ride so hard on punishing bad behaviour, we ought to reward good faith behaviour.

If some network wants to show they're the hip guys to the new media and scoop up a project with a built in audience and international buzz, yippee. Lacking that, if the folks at Warner Brothers are kind enough to consent to any release of the current pilot, the success or failure of that release will most certainly determine the ultimate fate of the show.

Regardless of what happens here, I think this is an incredibly valuable lesson: our relationship with the audience is changing. We treat them with more respect, stop treating them like a metric to be won and they'll rally behind shows in numbers and inensity you could never buy. We all know viewership's going down. We need to stop pretending we can keep making TV like it's 1985."

John added: "Thanks, kiddo."You're welcome, Mr. Rogers-- actually, that's weird, can I call you John?You know, him being an icon and all?

NEXT: Remember Variety TV Editor Michael Schneider? Of course you do, you read every word of that Global Frequency post below. Well, he's a "Mike" and here's his blog. I like it--his blog. It looks nicer than mine and the writing's all clean and pretty. I do merit an oblique mention in his "Hollywood Walk of Fame Demystified" post part-way down via Kevin & Bean's mockery of the shame that is Ryan Seacrest's star--which you and Wikipedia remember I helped as best I could with my "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest".

Remember we're emailing him nicely at his work, which is mschneider@reedbusiness.com Also, there's TV editor Josef Adalian at jadalian@reedbusiness.com there at the lovely "Variety", which I read every day. And love. Immensely. One story, guys, one, friggin' story and I've already done all your research for you.

Hey, look, synergy. . . or something. It's our friend Josef Adalian who wrote the story entitled "WB Seeks Bigger Aud, Commits Frogicide". Well, at least we know he's not too busy to report one of the most potentially-groundbreaking stories of the year. I still love you both, though. No word yet on whether Chad Michael Murray will replace the departed frog mascot as a temporary figurehead in an effort to attract demographically-desireable 18-35-year-old women, gay men and bloggers.

The WB's Temporary Mascot

Now, the kinky resume part I'm going to skip for now, until I actually do it. Of course, I may not feel like blogging that then. I may just start drinking. And doing a couple of lines. [smile] The funny thing is, you have no idea if I'm serious. Well, actually, you knew that. But the real funny is that I have no idea if I'm serious.

I'll try to do something funny with it, but after the Todd/Seth Mc/Mac/Farlane mix-up [still sorry] and dubious nick-naming fiasco, I'm treading more lightly when it comes to blogging while under the influence of anything but caffeine and cigarettes.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Help Me Help The Global Frequency: 2.42

If you haven't heard of the Global Frequency, I'm going to tell you why it's the BEST SHOW THAT COULD BE ON TELEVISION. No, I'm not drunk, I'm just excited. If you don't know the basic backstory of The Global Frequency, then please allow me this short primer. If you've already seen the Global Frequency pilot, or read the comic books upon which it is based, then you won't need this next paragraph because you'll know the possibilities for a show like this to exist.

'The Global Frequency' is an underground NGO, an intelligence service sans portfolio, a global organization led by a mysterious woman called "Miranda Zero" ['that's the only name you're gonna get'], who is in constant contact, via super-nifty superphones, to a global network of scientists, ex-spies, freelance detectives, Hollywood assistants, etc. They come together outside the normal channels to thwart an unending stream of disasters that constantly threatens an unsuspecting public. That's the show. It's X-Files meets Alias, with a comic book base and proven-awesome people connected to it. Besides comic creator Warren Ellis, there's Ben Edlund [The Tick & more], Diego Gutierrez [Buffy & more], David Slack [Teen Titans], John Rogers [upcoming Transformers movie & lots more] and Mark "King of Reality Television" Burnett. If Burnett presides over an earth-shattering revival of the GF show and adds some scripted fare to his coterie of reality tv, he may be upgraded to Mark "King of New TV" Burnett. At least by me.

Right now, the WB super-conglomerate and its attendant brigade of lawyers has the rights. Which means that it isn't possible to re-package and re-sell it as another type of broadcast material [sorry, Brits, BBC can't do it]. Which means that it's up to them to re-start the show. Which means it's up to us to convince them to do that.

The Global Frequency's Hollywood Assistant needs your help in getting the tv show back up and running.

Right now, we crucially need more media attention for the Global Frequency. Period. I talked to a bunch of Big Agency assistants the other day and none of them had even heard of it. (notice I write 'had'-- I'm trying, people)

We need a major new publication to run a story to spur another round of media coverage and help generate the publicity sandstorm we'll need to knock down the gates of Warner Brothers. "Wired" is great, but it's not exactly required reading for the WB development department.

Here's the publications that executives at the WB are most likely to read and/or pay attention to:1) "Variety"2) "The Hollywood Reporter"3) The LA Times4) "Entertainment Weekly"5) The LA Weekly? TV Guide? Defamer? Premiere? People? What the hell do people at the WB actually read? It ain't Virgina Woolf every day, that's for sure.

Now, let's think this through. Every self-respecting Ho'wood exec will peruse "Variety" and everyone notices when they're mentioned in it. About the same, but with a bit less effect with the "Reporter" ["HR"]. The LA Times has good credibility, but they'll [WB execs] only scan headlines and could potentially miss a story unless there's sustained and/or prominent coverage. That would be great, but that would also be harder to pull of at this point. "Variety" and "HR" are much easier to influence. And since www.frequencysite.com, the official/unofficial site promoting the GF, has already led a campaign against 'EW', I think we're covered there. If 'EW' doesn't pick up the story in a week or two, it may be time to hit them, but for now, let's concentrate on "Variety" and "Hollywood Reporter". Defamer's already aware of the situation, the LA Weekly might be okay-- maybe Nikke Finke would like to help, even though I called her retarded. To be fair, her column this week was much better [same subject, but mostly reader letters] and we all know how I like inflammatory headlines and that my actual writing about her was much more balanced. Anyways...

At Variety, I've chosen to target the two Television Editors. Michael Schneider's email is mschneider@reedbusiness.comThe other TV editor at Variety is Josef Adalian, his email is jadalian@reedbusiness.com

Let us, all together, now fill their inboxes immediately. Remember to address them as Mr. Adalian and Mr. Schneider and be nice-- they like that.

At the Hollywood Reporter, it's much harder to get emails to the appropriate people [ie- I couldn't find them posted online in a preliminary search], but let me know what you've got in the comments.

From my end, I'd say "Variety" is our best bet for a concentrated blast of mail, and let us perhaps mention that they can be savvy by jumping on it first. For all you outside-of-showbusiness people, Variety is a Monday-to-Friday glossy magazine/newspaper delivered to most executives in Hollywood every morning. It reports, with casual Hollywood repartee, the biggest stories circulating in Hollywood and is the closest thing to a must-read. For now, I think it's our best bet.

So if you'd like to help bring democracy to America and television, please help by emailing these people. Please, please, sound like an intelligent 18-35-year-old who has lots of disposable income. If you can't pull that off, try for 13-18. And if you can't pull that off, sample letters appear at the end of this post. Sample letters--that's friggin' CUT AND PASTE people. I literally can't make it easier.

But really, if you do this, thank you.

Now, there are some specific parts of the GF that I need help from. Essentially, they are:

GEEKS/HACKERS/THE TECH-SAVVY: Keep the torrents running. Keep people aware of how to reach them. At least until the WB announces it might actually do something. At that point, we'll all re-assess. But obviously, you can do whatever the hell you want. You have power.

JOURNALISTS: Come on, advise your bosses and peers to cover what could potentially be the most incredible story of our lifetime-- the day the networks succumbed to P2P pressure and re-started a television show. Or, it could be a trend of the networks actually paying attention to viewers. Family Guy was brought back by DVD sales. Arrested Development got saved by critical acclaim, then by the potential for yet another media firestorm. Make Global Frequency a sign of the future-- if consumers aren't given what they want, they'll go outside traditional channels to get it. [please note word choice in this sentence, it was not coincidental]

PUBLICISTS/BLOGEBRITIES: If you're good at publicity, help by using a bit of it for GF. It's not hard to watch a copy of GF on the internet, and frankly, I think the copyright issues are murky at best on this.

ACLU/FREEDOM FIGHTERS/ACTIVISTS: Hello, test case? How tech-savvy is the ACLU, anyone know? Can we make them tech-savvy? I dunno, they do seem pretty smart a lot of the time, I must say.

ASSISTANTS: Make sure your bosses know that's going on with the GF. At least, make sure they've heard of it-- even if they don't quite 'get it'. Just have them know that it's scary technology they need to obey. Older people nearly always believe anything you say about technology if you're twenty-something.

LAWYERS: I'm totally f*cked, aren't I?

EVERYBODY: Seriously, how long does it take to send a couple emails? YOU CAN TOTALLY SCREW OVER THE HOLLYWOOD SYSTEM THAT KEEPS PUTTING OUT CRAPTASTIC ENTERTAINMENT IN LESS THAN TEN MINUTES!

If you need a sample letter, I've provided one below. Those underscore parts-- You'll need to fill in those with names. Other than that, it could not be easier. Cut and paste away, people. And remember to have a Snappy Subject. Here are some suggestions for subjects, and generally, emails to these people:1) Avoid all caps2) Avoid more than one exclamation point, no matter how excited you are.Here are some good subjects: Feel free to post your own letters as examples in the comments section.

It has recently come to my attention that a copy of the WB-produced television pilot "Global Frequency" has been circulating on the Internet in various 'torrents' or 'peer-to-peer networks'.

I, for one, couldn't be happier. You see, to me, this represents a revolution in television as we know it.

When the WB essentially threw the pilot away, the people saw what they wanted and they, essentially, passed it around to each other via the Internet. The Global Frequency pilot spread all over the Internet, spread by tech-savvy torrent users and comic book fans. The people who have seen "Global Frequency" and are calling for its pick-up on the WB network represent both the possibilities and the perils of the future.

They are proof that demand exists that is not being filled. But most of them are not evil scofflaws, they're just reasonably tech-savvy pop culture enthusiasts. Personally, I'd like to buy at least a DVD of the pilot, but there are no plans for such a creature to exist. Many, like me, watch the WB occasionally. But no matter how you look at it, it's such an interesting story and "Variety" would be ahead of the trend to report on it now. International papers have picked up the story to an extent, but the only American publication thus far has been "Wired" magazine. Variety, with its in-depth Hollywood resources, could really add a lot to this unfolding story.

In short, Mr. _________________, there's no telling what could happen with other pilots, but if Global Frequency returns, it could revolutionize television[and yield a dynamite show]. After all, is it too much to hope from Hollywood to just let me tell it what I want to watch with my own eyeballs--and my own dollars?

Now, this letter could be easily modified for almost any publication. Just drop the one sentence about Variety, change its mention to that of some other publication, and voila, instant email. I'm also writing one to my personal favorite publication, the Economist. Feel free to write to your own favorite publication. [why do I have a feeling a GF story is going to pop up in US Weekly? Just kidding, celeb-u-whores.]

And since we're writing letters. . .

Dear WB Lawyers and Executives,

I love you. Please don't make the biggest mistake you'll ever make by suing me and highlighting the power of P2P networks.

Oh, and to remind you, WB--this show may not have more buzz than any pilot ever has-- but it does have WAY more buzz than anything you have on your 2006-2007 slate. And there's totally still enough time to use GF as cool summer fare. But the people behind the GF are talented folks, and they could go somewhere else if you don't lock them early enough. Just giving you fair warning, WB. I love you, WB. We can work together to change television. And it'll be good for you, too.-Atlas

AND FINALLY. . . Here is a list of online resources to learn more about the Global Frequency.www.frequencysite.com is the semi-official main site.http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com is the blog of the pilot's writer John Rogers and a good source of fresh news as well.www.warrenellis.com is the comic creator's sitehttp://www.wired.com/news/digiwood/0,1412,67986,00.html?tw=wn_2culthead is the link for the Wired article [it's good and easy to understand. Don't be afraid of 'Wired'. They won't bite.]www.technorati.com You can search for the latest blog posts and news stories and things that mention Global Frequency.http://kidneynotes.blogspot.com/2005/07/instructions-for-seeing-global_22.html If you want to watch GF, go here. Follow instructions carefully, but only do them in theory. In 'theory', it's just that easy.And of course, there's the ever-popular Google.

Atlas At the Gates of the WB, Hoping Hordes Are Behind Him.

EMAIL VARIETY AND OTHER PUBLICATIONS NOW AND CHANGE TV, heck, CHANGE HOLLYWOOD!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Why I Blog, Why I Assist: 2.41

Aka: Why do I Blog and Why I Do I Want to Be Satan's Bitch and/or Assistant?

I got an email from Mark Lisanti, editor of Defamer, who seems to have heard of me now, and he displayed a healthy curiosity at my level of truth. It got me thinking, frankly, something that I have plenty of time to do, now that I'm drinking alone in my apartment.

It made me question my own truth. Well, that and the alcohol.

Not in that stupid New-Age way, but am I really worth something-- do I have what it takes to be what I wanna be? I mean, I know I want to be the next JJ Abrams or Joss Whedon or whatnot. Really, truly, I want to be a production entity. Even a Bruckheimer or Burnett, [but, um, obviously, cooler...]

So why God why would I work for an evil corporate agency? It's not an easy answer. There are other things I could do, boutique agencies (been there, done that, look how it turned out below) or working as a waiter by day and screenwriting at night until my big break (which I feel like would waste the 'career' part of my life).

Here's the thing: Big Agency assistant desks are widely acknowledged to be Hollywood's grad school/finishing school for development execs/script packagers/literary agents. You suffer through years of Hell to emerge, soulless, and insane with power at an important desk with clients whose work could mean something. I mean, that's why longtimers in the biz have such a reputation for insanity. I held it together for about a year-and-a-half under Sloane without becoming too terribly tainted, I think.

But three years at Shark Agency (at which time I might land a development job)? There's no way I could survive with my humanity intact. Or is there?

Ultimately, I say f*ck it. Somebody has to do it. And I know in my heart that the other options are running away, and with my newly-steeled backbone, I'm not going to be afraid of psychotic agents. Well, not enough to not pursue my dreams at any rate.

And the other question: Why do I blog? I've compiled a helpful list.

1) To Help me. I need to write.2) To Help push the light of the English language a bit further against the darkness.* Use Wikipedia.3) To Help assistants laugh in the face of insanity.4) To Help me me have fun by stirring up sh*t as a totally anonymous blogger personage.5) To Help me keep ahead of the curve technology-wise. I don't know what your expectations were, but so far, it's been mission accomplished after mission accomplished for me. Oh, and who let Microsoft get an out-of-control monopoly that is to blame for the crappy Windows operating system? Thanks, Baby Boomers, another great thing to inherit. Thank God we're getting away from them, slowly but surely.6) To Help me get pu$$y. That's far longer than I thought I could hold out on that one. I do currently, however, have a hot girlfriend with a rockin' ass and that is more than enough for me right now. That gets a Quagmire 'Allriiiight." Judges, do we have a spelling on this? Seth MacFarlane's assistant? You out there? No? Just checking. On #6, though, it's more mission accomplished.Note to Self: Reach out to Seth MacFarlane's assistant. Oh hey, make sure you name-check Seth MacFarlane, McFarlane, McFarsyFars, like forty times. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy. Family's Seth MacFarlane. Seth MacFarlane of Family Guy, aaaaaahhh, the internet is chasing you!7) To Help right wrongs. You know I was gonna follow up the 'cat' one with something noble. But I do have strong sense of comsic justice in many ways. 8) To Help my writing get noticed. Based on page views, let's just say I could sell out a small print run if even half of the people who've read my blog would plunk down perhaps $15 for a 225-page paperback with cool black-and-white photos and extra materials, right? 9) To Help prove that most 24-year-olds aren't totally deficient, even if our jobs require us to be.10) To Help wake up people's senses to new things, to open minds--and to do it through humor.11) To Help restore my soul. See also, the ones regarding writing.12) To Help me waste time productively. See also, writing.13) To Help do my little part to MAKE AMERICA GREAT! (Cue Flag, Cue Chad, Commence patriotic flag-waving with wife/co-star Sophia Bush-Michael-Murray from step of Capitol building)*Hi kids, #2 above was paraphrased, but said by E.M. Forster of Virginia Woolf. Remember them? Try harder.

What I really want this blog to be:Wild and woolly. Thick and hairy f*cking democracy. The homepage of all assistants in Los Angeles.*bam*There, I said it. The first step in my evil plan to take over the world. Seriously, though, I'm kidding about that. This is at least step 7,432 in my evil plan to take over the world. More kidding. I am a creature that radiates goodness and light and progress and reform and fun. I am all that is holy.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Correction: Please Note This Correction

I did not cover all in its entirety the conversation between Sloane and myself in the post. The part where Sloane cried was kept confidential and that's all I'm going to say about it.

But I tell you now, readers, the honest truth I have learned. It's always best to stand up for yourself. That's the lesson, kids, no more, no less. Stand up for yourselves in whatever you're doing. You are important and you do matter. Even if all you're doing is reading this lonely post.

Suck It Sloane, I have TESTIMONIALS: 2.40

Recently, it has come to my attention that I have been downsized/fired/quit. (see post below-- you might want to do that first, actually, it's quite important. Simply scroll down past the picture of Topher Grace, then Kathy Griffin and then begin reading "How Blogging Saved My Career". Thanks!)

During the conversation that resulted in my firing, I was accused of being a horrible, horrible person with absolutely no redeeming qualities, except possibly for my "hot assistant c*ck".

Well you know what? These people think I have redeeming qualities. They say nice things about me-- and some of them have significantly more Ho'wood clout than Sloane. (well, okay, a few of them)

John Rogers, writer for The Cosby Show, screenwriter of The Core and the upcoming Michael Bay-helmed Transformers:"You sir, amuse the sh*t out of me."AND"Global Frequency cracked the top 10 links on Technorati today, or so they tell me as I was tour-guiding newbies around the nerd prom. No doubt thanks to the recent pimpage from the excellent Assistant/Atlas, who peels back Hollywood's rancid onion layers from the assistant's point of view -- I am now haunted by the idea that when I call someone, it is he who is answering."

Tiffany A. Stone of Breakfast at Tiffany's writes:"Your blog has come along very nicely. Hope you will do a guest blog for me someday soon. . . Anyway, your blog has become one of my favorites. Cheers, Tiffany"And you can find that guest blog right here.

Michael K of D-Listed says:"I read your blog and I absolutely love it! It's very rare that I read blogs, I usually just sort through the pictures. But I decided to read one of your entries and then one led me to another and another. It's hilarious and I hope you get a book deal out of this sh*t. It would make for a really hot TV show. I'm already seeing Topher Grace as Atlas."Topher doesn't need the work, butFreddie Prinze, Jr. is desperate for a hit show!

Gwenn Stroman of Flower Films (that's Drew Barrymore's company for you starf*ckers) penned this:Dear Assistant/Atlas, I just arrived home from a yummy dinner, thinking my day could not have been better. How wrong I was! My stepmother, who lives in Northern California, forwarded your link to me. Pretty random. [she'd discovered she's the first-ever Executive of the Week] I want to thank you for the wonderful honor. Nobody ever says anything nice about anybody anymore, certainly not behind their back! I feel very proud. (Not to mention grateful to have someplace to write nice things about myself in an anonymous format...) Bragging rights are so hard to come by, I'm in! I promise to do my best to live up to this important title.Respectfully,Gratefully,Shamelessly,Gwenn Stroman

Ryan Colucci of Snoot Entertainment wrote me he was:". . . compelled to go through and read all of your posts. Good stuff. Your boss sucks, huh? I don't think I'd be able to talk down to someone without breaking out into a laugh." Hey, Ryan, need an assistant?

Then there's Disney's Jesus Di Sica, whom I don't know at all, but sent this:Atlas, What up, brother? Thanks for all the hard work you put into entertaining us with yo’ blawg! If you will be in town Sunday* night, you are welcome to drop by my b-day party at 9pm at the Spider Room above Avalon (feel free to bring friends). *please note: this was from awhile ago, there's no b-day party at the Spider Room Sunday that is sponsored or condoned by Assistant Atlas. But I do like drinking and am happy to accept further invitations. Thanks, Jesus.

Grace of "Life According to Princess Grace" commented:"That was great, when I read this, I spit my water all over my keyboard. Luckily, I just gave my two weeks notice and I don't give a sh*t about their piece of sh*t HP keyboard." I must admit that I appreciate this comment so much more now.

A random email writer named Mike:"Hi. I'm a reformed, ex-agent trainee. It's been some years since I worked in Hollywood, but I decided to dosome googling to see if things have changed there. It seems to be pretty much the same. I wanted to make inthat business with a passion, until I realized that the most sociopathic people become the most successful. That business kind of reminds me of the scene in "Animal House", where members of the snob fraternity are bending over in their underwear, getting paddled while shouting, "Thank you sir, may I please have another". Seems to be that many of the more well-adjusted people are the ones who pack their bags and head back to Kansas. Would have been nice if sane people ran the film biz."

You know, sometimes, you just need a little validation. Feel free to add to your own validation to my comments section.

And please, to the West Coast Media Establishment please don't Jolie in NYC me. At least not until my screenplay's done. It's coming along quite nicely now that I'm unemployed and angry, though. But remember, if you pursue this story, it could lead to widespread discrimination against Chad-Michael-Murray-looking assistants at all the big agencies. And us assistant types are beleaguered enough, even those of us who vaguely resemble a "One Tree Hill" star.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

How Blogging Saved My Career: 2.39

This the post you've been waiting for. . .Today was the day. Today was the day when I had more than I could stand. Today, I burned my personal Initech to the ground, I set my SD-6 ablaze.

Today, I left Sloane.

I know that the only joy in your life is me--torturing me.But now you can sh*t in my hat.

The day started normal enough, I guess. Worked through a hangover-- some various calls, updating records, trying to make stuff happen, emailing/faxing my resume around. The usual. I went out to lunch early (yet another surreptitious interview with a Big agency) and came back not too late, when Maggie says: "Sloane wants to talk to you." Off my look, she adds, "I don't know, something's up, though."

Atlas: "You didn't tell him about the blog, did you?"Maggie: "God no. But he's being weird." Sloane being 'weird' is never a good sign. So I headed for his office, expecting a first order shout-out-- and not the praising/acknowledging kind.

Sloane told me to take a seat. That's when I knew I was in trouble--the quiet fury in his voice. And then:

Sloane: "I know what you've been doing. It's my fault really, for not figuring it out sooner. Aliotta Fagina. It's just like that c*nt to want a hot little assistant pu$$y like you. You do know that's all she cares about, right? C*ck. She could give a sh*t about your 'career'."

Sloane swivels in his chair, remains calculatedly leaned back. My stomach feels like I'm on a roller coaster just before it plunges down that first big hill.

Sloane: "What I wanna know is what the f*ck do you think you're trying to do, Atlas? Without me, without my validating your work, without my recommendation, you're nothing. Do you hear me Atlas, nothing. I already put in a call to Fake Taryn Manning (Human Resources at XXX). I don't think she'll be calling you back."

Atlas: "You--what?"

Sloane: "You see, Atlas, I've worked in this biz since before you were born, and I can tell you that there are just two kinds of people in it-- the ones who screw and the ones who get screwed. And I don't get screwed, Atlas. And I hate when people try to screw me. So let me tell you what's going to happen. . ."

(My insides feel like they're melting)

Sloane continues: "You're not going to be working for XXX--you're not going to work at any of the big agencies. And I hate to be cliche, but you probably won't ever work in this town again. I'll tell you what you're going to do-- you're going to get a sh*tty job at Starbucks until you give up screenwriting and move the f*ck back to Kansas."

Sloane waits a few moments, trying to figure out if I'm going to cry. I'm sure he wants me to.

Sloane: "So that's it, Atlas, get out. And good luck trying to find another assistant gig."

I clench my jaw. And then, quietly:

"No."

Sloane seems to savor this: "What, Atlas, are you going to sit in my office until I decide to give you your job back?"

Atlas: "It means that for the past four months, I've been writing an anonymous blog based on my experiences here. It has there, for everyone to see, all of your foibles, work-related and otherwise, including the part about how you're sleeping with Bubbles."

Sloane: "Where do you get off--"

Getting on a roll, I cut him off: "And it's popular, too, the blog--Celebrity Justice did a story on me and I did an interview with KROQ. I get thousands of visitors a day, emails from all over the world and all sorts of Hollywood players have seen it. People can't get enough of my dealing with your psychosis. The thing is, right now, you're anonymous. But if you try to kill my career, I will kill yours by telling the world what you've done to me, but, essentially, everything you've done to everyone. And I'll sell the goddammed book and it'll be made into a big, f*cking movie and Chad Michael F*cking Murray will play me and you'll just be a Hollywood joke, a little side note, the evil inspiration for a stunningly good new writer. And trust me when I say there's enough in there to make you more than radioactive."

Sloane: "You actually think that would work?" (Sloane's trying to be threatening, but now he's not talking to me, he's talking to Assistant/Atlas, and I feel like I could eat him for breakfast)

Atlas: "Or telling Fagtastic Benny about the nickname you gave him. Look, Sloane, it doesn't have to go like this. We can both restrain ourselves and neither of us has to go nuclear. Here's the deal: You give me a decent recommendation--like you should do anyway-- and I won't tell the world all about your. . . foibles. I leave, you get a new assistant, and we're both happy."

Sloane: "On this site you have, Assistant Whatever, what were you saying about me?"

Atlas: "The truth, mostly. I de-contextualized some stuff to make it funnier, but for the past few months, I've pretty much been writing about all the f*cked-up sh*t that happens around here."

Sloane: "And people think it's funny?"

Atlas: "Actually, your pseudonym is Sloane, like from Alias, and people can't get enough of you. Somebody wrote me that you were the coolest villain since the real Sloane. They all wanted me to keep working here so they could get more Sloane stories."

Sloane: "I'm the villain?"

Atlas: "What, you thought you'd be the hero? You once told me that you would rape Gail Berman with a broomstick if you could get away with it. Look, I'll write it down if you want. But, please, let's just make a deal. I won't tell anyone, you won't tell anyone, I say it was an amicable parting and you don't badmouth me to the rest of the Big Six--and we both survive this with our careers intact."

Whisper Price Game: The Old Folks Edition

Since I have a raging hangover, I don't feel like writing anything particularly stupendous today, so I'll let you all do it.

In Hollywood, you aren't old until you're past 40. Unless, you're a woman, in which case it's 29 (not really, but close). In today's edition, we'll be guessing the whisper prices of some of Ho'wood's favorite 'older' stars. Many of these people are fine actors and actresses-- some, less so.

Tommy Lee Jones. Remember when he used to make good movies? I know, me neither. It's like "The Fugitive" and then I start drawing a blank.

Cate Blanchett has an Oscar, but is she rich, b*tch?

Bernie Mac is pointing at you. To be honest, I hate Bernie Mac. I've never found him funny in movies or on his show, he comes across as an A-list a$$hole in interviews, and remade "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner". You're not effing Sidney Poitier. But since he's inexplicably popular, does he have a high Whisper Price?

Angelica Huston never really left Ho'wood, even though there was a point there in the late 90s/early 2000s when it seemed like she did. But I'm happy she's back. Now directing, too, she's got a lot of Ho'wood respect. But does that translate into a high whisper price?

Harrison Ford is coming back for another Indiana Jones movie. My question is-- is he getting $20 mil to do it? Or has his price deflated as his face has sagged?

Oh my God, it's Delta Burke! What the hell happened to her after "Designing Women"? Seriously, does anyone know? Her family is getting concerned.

Now it's your turn. Guess the value of these stars and win a prize. The prize? A big cyber-hug from Atlas.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

So i'm kinda drunk, but is that Vaginal Davis?: 2.38

I've been exploring the Internet lately and discovering all sorts of fun things, including fun new links for y'all to explore. But I have a question.

Seriously, is Vaginal Davis behind immoderation.com? Go to immoderation.com. Is that that Vaginal Davis in the upper-left four-square picture? It could be RuPaul. But I was thinking it was Vaginal Davis. Vaginal Davis once told me that I was 'precious and must have pictures taken' of me. Which was weird. But nice. She's a nice lady, that Vaginal Davis. Even though she's technically not a lady.

All for now, Atlas is off to bed. And, combining those previously-unepisoded posts, Atlas is making these posts an episode.

Cover Up of the Day

As Atlas faxes his resume to Gersh:

Sloane(shouting from his office): "Atlas, what are you doing, I need you working the phones for Script Z!"Atlas: "I'm right on top of that, Rose. I'm faxing the synopsis over to Gersh for possible packaging right now."Sloane: "Ah, well, carry on."

Maggie Discovers Assistant/Atlas, Laughs: 2.37

Many of you long-time readers will remember Maggie as the now-pregnant faithful receptionist of our lil company. As well as being the first line of phone defense, she's also responsible for keeping and cooking Sloane's books. Well, yesterday, she became the first (and I pray, only) person who knows Sloane personally to read my blog (other than me, of course). The quick story is that she caught me doing a bit of blogging at my desk (that tidbit about fun Freudian slips). When I tried to play it off, she only became more interested. Finally, in the interest of keeping her quiet, I took her out to the front part of the office where Sloane can't possibly hear anything and quickly explained the blog and swore her to secrecy.

Oh, please, Maggie, please let you be the good woman I know you are and don't tell Sloane about Assistant Atlas.

Actually, I wasn't quite aware how perceptive Maggie was. Not only could she see right through my lies, but she knew something was up: "I just thought you were getting ready to quit, I just didn't realize you were writing a blog." I asked her if she thought Sloane knew I was getting ready to quit. Maggie doubted Sloane was quite that aware of anything but himself.

So Maggie spent much of the afternoon and randomly laughing out loud, which must've been great for her, but made me a paranoid maniac for most of the day. In some ways, it's great to have someone else in the office who knows about the blog. In other ways, it's made working like living in Rupert Murdoch's penthouse: it's nice and all, but you practically expect a furious beating to come at any time.

Among Maggie's comments about the blog:

"People don't understand Sloane. On the outside, he's a fierce, combative monster. Inside, he's a scared little boy."Maybe, but that actually makes his outside that much scarier.

You don't look like a little boy to me, Sloane.

"Atlas, why is this sh*t is funny on your blog when it isn't in real life?"I'm a good writer? Or a sick, sick bastard who can find the humor in anything.

"This may just be the pregnancy hormones, but I feel so much sympathy for you right now."Awwww...

"Bubbles isn't that dumb as you make her out to be. . .well, almost, I guess."That's the best defense of Bubbles the over-nice Maggie can muster.

The English Language Genome Project, Wikipedia: 2.36

Real quick: I know a lot of you keep asking me to call Mark Burnett (or his assistant or his second assistant) but the best I'm going to do is make a Mark Burnett tag and hope his savvy assistant or someone's savvy assistant finds this and gets him on the bandwagon.

But today's main post is about Wikipedia, the Open Source Encyclopedia.

It took me awhile to come around to Wikipedia, the free, online, open-source encyclopedia. But really, blogging (read: becoming total Internet freak) has helped me realize the genius of a lot of things on the World Wide Web. Wikipedia is probably the most wicked awesome* to me, a student/advocate/user of the English language.

*please note that wicked awesomeness is particularly fickle.

If you know what Wikipedia is, skip the next paragraph or so-- unless you just adore my writing. [Tiffany, wink*]

Wikipedia is open-source, which is essentially means that anyone can edit it. Now, they protect themselves from numbskulls in two ways. One is that they encourage registration. The other is that they have the support of a lot of people who aren't idiots. TIME magazine reported that bad info is often edited out in less than ten minutes.

So, Wikipedia becomes an amazing online encyclopedia that's totally free, thanks to wonderful people all over the globe. Plus, unlike say, the Encyclopedia Britannica, Wikipedia changes all the time as new information is added, updated and debated.

Look, the best thing I recommend is that you try it. I think you'll find its entries are well-written, cogent, full of links to other sources of information, constantly updated, easy to search, etc. Just try Wikipedia (that's wikipedia dot ORG) anytime you come across a word or phrase and you're all "now what does that mean, exactly"?

Even Bubbles made the discovery that Jimmy Dean is actually the sausage guy and James Dean is the actor, contrary to what she originally thought. Ah, Wikipedia, if you're making Bubbles smarter, there's no doubt in my mind that you're a good thing. So check it out while you're not working at work.

ALSO: RUN, DON'T WALK AWAY FROM MYSPACE! It is now a part of Rupert Murdoch's evil, baby-killing media empire. Go back to Friendster (I hear it's improved) or one of the other, lesser pointless sites from which to while away your hours. But the point is: IF YOU ARE ON MYSPACE, YOU NOW SUPPORT BABY-KILLING, SEAL-CLUBBING, CHILD-EATING FOX NEWS! Here's the story in the LA Times, via Defamer

Just off Technorati-- does anyone know what this language is? check out http://www.livejournal.com/users/jautero/ I know the post is about the global frequency and there's even a mention of the WB in there, but is that Icelandic or what? Guess that's what they mean when they say global.

And finally, in today's f*ck you to the system, "Hustle & Flow" opens this Friday. As part of my special Ho'wood I Hate You Celebration, I've made plans to see it with Famke.

Whisper Price Game: The British Are Comin'!

This week's Whisper Price Game will feature stars and starlets coming to us from across the pond. Remember, they still think of us as "bloody colonials" so feel free to mock away.

Kate Beckinsale has seen her film career take off, despite the highly-publicized flops of "Van Helsing" and the awfulness of "Pearl Harbor". But with the Underworld sequel, she's got a probably successful action franchise in the works, and doesn't seem to have trouble finding work otherwise. Can this London-born beauty be worth a big whisper price?

Technically Irish, Jonathan Rhys Meyers scored an indie megahit with "Bend It Like Beckham", but he's been working steadily since he was about sixteen. Frankly, I've never been disappointed by a performance of his, despite the fact that he's reportedly something of a loose cannon. But he's young ho'wood at its foreign finest, so that's gotta do something for his price, right? Also, what is up with his eyes? They're friggin' hypnotic on screen.

Orlando Bloom I just don't get. I mean, I guess he's attractive and stuff, but is he really all that gorgeous? Apparently. Well, we all liked him as Legolas and I thought he was a good Paris in Troy, despite the relative sucktitude of that flick [not to mention its wildly inaccurate history]. But his Kingdom of Heaven didn't exactly propel him to action-hero status, but for now, his film future looks secure with Elizabethtown and the Pirates sequels. But with such a mixed record, how would you determine Bloom's Whisper Price?

Sienna Miller-- what was she in, again? Oh, yes, "Alfie", Matthew Vaughn's "Layer Cake", and the awesomely underrated show "Keen Eddie". And who was in her, again? Oh yes, Jude Law. Can she get anything but scale despite her tabloid-friendly wild romance with Mr. Law?

Colin Farrell. . .yeah, he's Irish. But I know you want to talk about him. Even more than that, I know you want a picture of him. So here's my take on Colin: yeah, he's quite disturbing in some respects (trying to lay anyone over the age of 70 is just. . . too much) but I do think he's a reasonably talented actor. For proof, try "A Home at the End of the World" based on Michael Cunningham's adamantly good book. He has the most expressive eyebrows since at least Peter Gallagher-- that's gotta count for something, right? But with his lack of big box office hits, is Colin really a $20 mil A-lister?

The artist formerly known as Posh Spice has become one half of Britain's It Couple, and now Victoria Beckham is rumored to be pursuing a film career. My unsolicited advice to her: take smaller, indie roles until you've got a little film credibility before wandering off into highly-profitable romantic comedies.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Best Weekend Tidbits for Your Vicarious Enjoyment: 2.34

Well, there's precious few execs left to praise, so the Assistant/Atlas Executive of the Week is left to flail while its evil doppelganger, Asstastic Executive of the Week lines up candidates with room to spare. Argh.

So I'm the executive of the effing week. And if you don't like it, tough sh*t.

Why?

Because I've managed to snag a series of interviews with the best agencies in the biz from whom it looks like I'll have my pick while simultaneously throwing off a psychotically nosy boss and maintaining a sizzling relationship. Oh man, it sizzles hotter than Diary of a London Cokehead's Mistress.

If you're wondering what Atlas did this weekend, he saw the French film "Swimming Pool". It was quite good, a nice little French movie to enjoyon DVD with wine and cigarettes, of course. Then there was Dario Argento's "Phenomena", which stars a young, pre-Labyrinth Jennifer Connelly as well as Donald Pleasance. I saw that on Friday night at Famke's and it wasn't as good as his "Suspiria", though it was almost as good. It was a good example of Dario Argento's work in that it was schlocky Italian horror of the highest caliber.

Also, I hate the new sell-out Black-Eyed Peas. After a good debut, "Bridging the Gap" was an amazing sophomore effort. And then Fergie joined the group and they did "Elephunk", whose musicosity was solid and had enough political-to-party songs to keep me happy. But now they're just jokers, man. And Fergie will never be a fashion icon. Unless she learns how to rap. But she sucks.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Gay Celebrity Guide Update!: 2.33

Scared of risking the wrath of either the New Gay Mafia or Old Gay Mafia with an errant flip of the "that's so gay" line? Be on your toes, assistants, when around the potential eggshells of the latest, greatest addition to the world of cultural landmines since Latin-Hispa-Chicos.

To avoid any Ryan-Seacrest-humping scandal, Assistant/Atlas presents this helpful update to the Gay Celebrity Guide I presented not too long ago. Really, I can't believe I left some of these people out. But hey, that's what updates are for, right?

First up:Via Perez Hilton's interview with Michael Musto:Perez: You have been known to out many celebrities, most recently Luther Vandross, may he rest in peace in his bedazzled blazer. We hate blind items. Tell us what heartthrob is secretly a homo, besides Hayden Christensen.Musto: Oh, right, like there's someone I haven't already written about because I'm saving it for a 20 Questions interview!Perez: What's the most expensive item in your closet?Musto: Hayden Christensen.(see, this is why gay men make the best gossip columnists)

Next on the watch list:Obviously, there's no way to validate this one, but they say:The Justin is indeed bi. I know because a few years ago he had a fling with a friend of mine. This was pre-Britney. We didn't believe it, but our friend called JT on his cell and we muted it and secretly listened in on the conversation. It was him. They discussed sex. Case closed. It may have been a one time thing, and maybe Timberlake is solely straight now. Entirely possible. But I know for a fact that he's slept with a man before. Period.via Gossiplist

Oh, also, I took a lot of flack on adding Jake "Brokeback Bottom" Gyllenhaal to the list, so here's some fun quotes from him. You know how I like to f*ck with you all from time to time.

"Every man goes through a period of thinking they're attracted to another guy." Jake, to the Calgary Sun. Erm, I guess. . . although that's uncomfortably forthright.

"We were talking about the kissing in the movie just recently. Clearly, it's pretty challenging material, but Ang said two men herding sheep was far more sexual than two men having sex on screen." Jake at a "Day After Tomorrow" press junket about "Brokeback"

"He (Heath Ledger) grabs me and he slams me up against the wall and kisses me, and then I grab him and I slam him up against the wall and I kiss him. We were doing take after take after take. I got the shit beat out of me. ... We had other scenes where we fought each other and I wasn't hurting as badly as I did after that one." to Us Weekly, on upcoming film "Brokeback Mountain"

I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying he bottoms for Heath Ledger.

Hey, is that assistant job you've got not working out? Well, if you're a dude who's willing to have sex for money, then Brian Austin Green wants to talk to you!Brian, I'd start with Craigslist. Just a thought.Via Gossiplist

Remember, this information is to be used only for your protection from the Ho'wood Gay Mafia. Although, frankly, I would probably sleep with Justin Timberlake. . .provided he brought his beard.Did Atlas just call me a beard?

Friday, July 15, 2005

Confessions of a Disloyal Assistant: "The Meeting": 2.32

News on The Global Frequency follows this post.So I had the meeting with Aliotta Fagina on Wednesday. Well, not exactly Aliotta Fagina, but I'll get to that. It was just lovely, though, really. Assistants at XXX get paid less to start than I get now. Trust me when I say that's not much.

On Friday, I had an interview with ZZZ, XXX's less Pop Art, more fountain-y rival.

And I've already interviewed this week at YYY (I didn't tell you about that one before so I didn't want to jinx it, let alone blow my cover or anything), another big, though less acronym-y place that could use a good new assistant. So it looks like I'll be heading into the very bowels of Hell itself no matter where I end up.

But I know you're all clamoring to know how the meeting with Aliotta Fagina went. As stated, quite swimmingly. (pay aside)

The two receptionist ladies weren't intimidating, but seemed quite charmed by my smile, my suit and my cool tie. When I told them I was "really early for my meeting, actually." [look sheepish] "Traffic was just amazing getting here, so . . ." and then I smile and they smile knowingly and one gives me a form on a clipboard to fill out.

They offered me "coffee while you wait over there" and such and had me fill out a form. I filled out the form watching the cool kids, the XXXerati, float by for awhile. The cool kids at XXX were an interesting mix of people, mostly middle-aged white guys, young white women, some black people, and a decided token of everyone else--they all walked by in the course of the hour I was in the lobby. The pattern was similar. People would sit down in the lobby and, in order of their importance, be escorted by a charming young assistant.

After turning in my form, I was informed that I would actually be meeting with a woman I will come to call Fake Taryn Manning. More on her later. But yes, I wouldn't be meeting with Ms. Fagina as she would be in meetings all day.

I wasn't forced to wait for an inordinate amount of time and received a full apology for that time waited-- time which I spent mostly comparing XXX mostly favorably to Wolfram & Hart. Fake Taryn Manning, who I think looked like Taryn Manning when she was hired. She had some frizz problems, but with my Chad Michael Murray-like hair, who am I to judge? I was glad to note I was dressed nice enough-- and looked right at home at Wolfram & Hart, Jr.

Then Fake Taryn came in from a lobby-adjacent glass door and led me to her small office, windowless, and closed the door. In her cluttered hole, this is where the 'interview' took place. Fortunately, it didn't look like a place where potential candidates came to give bjs. Perhaps that would come later. [pun intended]

After an entreaty to sit came the first question: "Why do you want to work for XXX?"Atlas thinks: "I wanted to sell out, and I thought I could get the highest prices for it here."The well-scrubbed Atlas says: "

Next, Fake Taryn asked: "All right, so what do think working for XXX will entail?"Atlas thinks: "Hand-holding, weathering temper tantrums, dodging flying objects..."Atlas says: "A lot of phones, I'm sure, scheduling, record-keeping. . . working to get agents and clients working together seamlessly. [yes! I am this eloquent! ...sometimes] Probably some coverage-- which I'd be great at since I've been doing more of it in my job than I bet most or all of your potential assistants have."

Fake Taryn: "Right well, let me just tell you what working for XXX is really all about." And then she launched into a 10-15 minute monologue on the perils of working an assistant desk at XXX. Let's just say the word(s) "thick-skinned" came up more than once. There were also gift-buying procedures, expense reports, a lecture on the merits of XXX (with particular emphasis on "XXX versus 'other' agencies"), the prospect of working for the XXX team, the availability of jobs for XXX people when they move on (!), some more stuff about grids that she totally glossed (does she know what she's talking about on this? because she's confusing the heck out of me), monologue, monologue, God I wish she had a window.

Seriously, it was a monologue of epic, Shakesperean proportions (minus the eloquence and iambic pentameter). I just had to keep remember to stop nodding my head and then start nodding vigorously again every few sentences. She stopped once for a question: "How are you with Excel?"

Then came more and more about XXX, the gloriously low pay, the availability of an assistant position on a reasonably good desk (that is, bent over and taking a coffee enema), the long hours, the overtime after 12 or was it 14, hours?, the dedication it takes to last, and la di da.

Then, after all that, seriously, like 20 minutes, she asked if I had any questions.Atlas thinks: "Oh, God, after that, I simply MUST ask some questions. She'll think I'm an idiot if I don't." I'd wondered about some of the grids she'd mentioned, but that wouldn't be good. Too specific.Atlas says: "Now, everything you've gone over I know I can handle. But there were a few things I haven't done, like expense reports. Is there, um--" I trail off waiting for her response.

Obviously, Fake Taryn is quick to take the floor again and seems happily monologue-y in her answer. No, there's training, they'll teach you how to do stuff, ask questions, blah, blah, blah. More mentions of thick skin.

Then she said: "Now, you're interested in talent, right?"Atlas: "Um, no, actually, I think I'd be better at lit, I mean, I could do talent, but I really think, a lit desk would be more appropriate."Fake Taryn: "We had your resume in-house pegged for talent, didn't we?"Atlas thinks; "You pegged my resume?"Atlas says: "Um. . "Fake Taryn: "Oh. Well." She looks over the resume I filled out and the one I gave her.

Fake Taryn pauses to look at me in a new light.

Fake Taryn: (reflectively) "Oh." She leans to her computer, types and clicks. She takes another look at me.

Fake Taryn: "We've only really got a second assistant position on a lit desk."Atlas thinks: "I'll take it."Fake Taryn: "But the assistant I'll need you to interview is actually out of the office."Atlas says: "Okay."Fake Taryn: "But that means you'll need to come in for an interview when I can set it up next week.

"Ask a lot of questions." Later. . ."Try not to ask the same questions over and over again."Read: If you're an idiot, they'll find out when you ask the same questions over and over again and you'll be fired.

"Take responsibility for things when you screw up so you can move on."Read: Take the blame so you can take your lashings and get back to work.

"You'll need to have thick skin"Read: You must put on a happy face. Better yet, glue it on.

"Our agents are under the pressure of million-dollar deals every day, so there can be some pretty crazy behavior" [note: yes, she actually said something to that effect]Read: Prepare for the sh*tstorm folks, Atlas is going in.

And stay tuned to The Global Frequency. Tell your friends. Latest word on the street that I've heard is that the WB might try to get GF re-started for a summer launch or for next fall (the WB is okay at summer launches-- Beauty and the Geek and Summerland did well upon launch, though their future is uncertain) Since the WB already has both a full schedule and a bevy of replacements lined up (including "Misconceptions" on which buzz is good. . .for a sitcom), they've got some stuff in the pipeline. John Rogers [increasingly buzzed up by "Transformers", helmed by Michael Bay, not to mention GF] has some meetings in the works, so let's try for a GF re-launch with some contracts with everyone around September, perhaps when buzz has killed off a few shows that the WB thought promising.