Let’s Get Together

Bachelor Breakdown: Week 5

Get your popcorn, gang, because this one is promising to be chock full of drama!

The remaining women and Arie head to Fort Lauderdale. Why, Ft. Lauderdale, you ask? Well, Arie gives us a rundown of all the great things about this city, which basically means the tourism board of Ft. Lauderdale likely shelled out some money to get the Bachelor crew on site. The women have a pretty sick penthouse suite at the W Hotel, and I am very jealous as I sit here in this 30 degree weather.

Arie comes to the hotel room and asks Chelsea out on a date. If you’ll recall, I was pretty convinced Chelsea would be this season’s villain during the first episode, but so far she has been pretty chill. She’s also pro glam, which is a really great platform for her right now.

Arie and Chelsea go out on yacht–just your standard bachelor date. We see the other ladies moping about at the hotel, and suddenly Maquel reappears! Color me shocked. Maquel went home to be with her family after her grandfather passed away. It’s worth noting that Maquel is 23, a mere one year older than Bekah, but nobody seems to be questioning her age or if she’s ready to settle down and get married. I guess 23 is the magic number!

Chelsea and Arie makeout, and Chelsea makes a terrible line about being on a dreamboat, with a dreamboat. (Woouulllddd we call him a dreamboat??) Meanwhile, the other ladies try to spy on their date from the hotel room, similar to what they did with Seinne’s date last week. These women are turning into some real looky-loos!

One of the Laurens is like “I don’t want to watch this!” Well, that’s spying for ya, girlfriend–seeing things you don’t want to see that can’t be unseen.

Arie takes Chelsea for a romantic dinner in a car museum. I’ve been to a car museum before,and I can honestly say it would have been a lot more fun if dinner and a private concert was involved.

I was clearly there auditioning to be a car model. To everyone’s surprise, I did not get a call back. (Photo circa 2009)

Arie tells Chelsea that she was so quiet the first night, and he’s like “she’s so mysterious.” Well, if being quiet means being mysterious, then I’m a regular Nancy Drew! (I don’t think that comparison actually works but I’m going with it because I felt like it was time for me to make a Nancy Drew reference.)

So, since she’s a single mom, we hear about her breakup, which happened when her son was six months old.The jabroni that walked out on her is now married to his mistress and they have their own kid. She literally was left with a trash bag of her belongings. I mean, I know there are two sids to every story, but Chelsea can do better. She is pro-glam, she does a great impression of Krystal, and she’s got an adorable little boy at home! (Well, we’re assuming he’s adorable. But I think most kids under 5 are adorable, so you can see my logic, right?)

Right before the group date card is read, Tia confesses to us that it’s getting so difficult to share Arie with ten other women, and she really needs a one-on-one! We call that foreshadowing. Group date: Maquel, Krystal, Bekah, Becca K., Jenna, Sienne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Ja-kwellan, Lauren B. Tia gets a one-on-one!

Back at the Museum, Arie rattles off a list of things he loves about Chelsea and gives her the rose and then they make out, eewew! Now it’s time for a private concert! With someone nobody knows! What was her name? Tenelle? Tamile? I gotta find out because the song was beautiful. (It’s Tenille Arts, which I stumbled upon while searching for pictures for this post.)

Now it’s time for the group date, and we get a close-up of Arie holding a bowling ball and licking it. WHAT?!?! Matt said it’s from some movie, but that is DISGUSTING. Did he even sanitize it first?! Did he know in that moment how bad this flu season would be? Did he get a flu shot? Tetanus? Ugh. So gross. And then half those women are going to makeout with him. Everybody, please line up for shots after this date. Need to get a mobile clinic over there STAT.

Krystal as usual has something to say, but I wasn’t paying attention because I was still shuddering over licking that ball.Everyone has fun and bowls and whatnot until Arie announces there will be a competition, and the losing team does not come to the after party. YES. Bring. The. Drama.

Jenna does some bizarre cheer, but she has a bizarre personality. Krystal says a prayer and asks her dogs to watch over them and help them win. I’m so confused because, are her dogs in puppy heaven?? Anyway, moving on–Jenna is very good at bowling.I think she would be cool with licking a bowling ball.

They have cutesy bowling team names–the Pin Up Stripes and The Spare Roses. The spares are dominating and are rubbing it in everyone’s faces, big time. Krystal tries to love on the losing team afterwards, then gives a toast to “lifting others up!” The losing team is feeling pretty down in the dumps, and Arie is regretting his decision. Dad doesn’t want any of his kids to feel left out, so he invites the losing team to the after party. Krystal’s face is straight DAGGERS. We hear her voiceover that “she’s not going to fight for his attention” and “if he wants to give it [attention] to other girls, fine..I’m done.” Here we go, guys, here we go!

Krystal stalks off into the hotel room, slamming things around. We learn that Krystal lost her mind on the bus on the way home. She was calling Arie a liar apparently, and saying other hurtful things. Krystal is putting all of her trust issues on the floor, saying that Arie took back his word, and didn’t even consult them about it! And she is looking for a partnership, by god! She struts out in her robe and says she’s not going to the after party. She’s all, “tell Arie I think he’s being disrespectful.” She’s got all her stuff packed and is totally going to run away, dad, if you don’t come in here and stop me!

Kendall calls her out and says she was not a kind person on the bus ride. Bekah has a one on one and does an extremely HILARIOUS impression of Krystal, but maybe not as good as Chelsea’s last week (but A+ for effort, B.!). As the girls await Arie, Bekah points out that Krystal wouldn’t have made a peep if her team had lost..she’s mad because it didn’t work out in her favor. Amen, Bekah, amen.

The women lay it out for Arie, because their dislike for Krystal has been building for five weeks and now they have what they’ve been waiting for–ammo. Arie decides to go check on her, which of course pisses everyone off even more because now she gets more attention. Bekah compares her to a scared little animal, who is stuck in a corner with no friends, and her relationship is rockier than she thought, and she’s panicking. DAMN. You see, Bekah is very insightful for a 22 year old. She’s so wise. Like a miniature Buddha with a pixie cut.

Arie tiptoes in, like he’s some parent going in to have it out with his kid after a fight. They hug it out and I start to get mad, thinking that Arie is going to really feed into her behavior. But, Arie is like “whatever you said to them could have been said to me directly.” Krystal has been so open and deep and raw and vulnerable! She needs more from Arie! Arie counters that if she had attended the party, she could have talked to him directly, but she’s basically running away from their problems. Krystal continues to go on about being hurt and blah blah blah and she’s hurt, okay?! And now, Arie goes into full on dad mode and says “you’re going to say in your room, because you are grounded, young lady! I’m going to go have fun with the other kids who know how to act right, and just know that I’m not happy about this, okay?!” Alright, maybe I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist of it.

Kendall sneaks him away and tells him she’s never had a relationship last more than 8-10 months, but she feels like she’s taking it slower with him and she likes that! (If by “slow,” you mean date a man with 20 other women and maybe get proposed to after 8 weeks, then yeah…totally going slow!)

Bekah is wearing giant earrings again, and I worry about her stretching out her earlobes at such a young age. She says some more mature things, and I just kind of want her to be my friend, and go to coffee with me, and give me life advice.

Now the other Becca gets some time, and Arie tells her he wants to give her “a little something extra,” and I worry what that means, and if I need to avert my eyes and ears for a moment. It’s just your usual close up of a makeout.

Suddenly, we see Krystal putting her makeup on because she doesn’t care what dad said, she’s going out whether he likes it or not! Bekah is leading the group in prayer as the Devil in a White Dress makes her way to the party. You can literally feel the entire mood crash when she walks in.

Krystal is like, “my feelings were really hurt today, when I was just standing up for my feelings.” Lauren asks Krystal a question about how she genuinely feels, and Krystal is all “I’m not going to answer that because you’ll just attack me.” Lauren melts down and is down for the count. Bekah lays it out for her and says how she basically just “changed her mind” just like Arie did so EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Bekah then gives her a look that would put any attorney to shame. Seinne is like “this isn’t fun for us.” But Seinne, it IS fun for the rest of America!

Arie and Lauren B. have a really nice conversation and talk about their fears, and Arie throws in the word “vulnerable,” and let’s just say if I had been playing a Bachelor drinking game, and I had to drink every time that word was uttered, I would be lying in bed with the spins and probably needing to throw up.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose, after Arie points out some nice things about a few other people. He always does that, which I feel is very confusing and probably a little traumatic for some of the ladies.

Now it’s time for a one-on-one date with Tia, and they are headin’ to the swamps! Oh, really, ABC? Taking a country girl on a date to the swamps?? Why don’t you just give her some reading lessons too, if we’re going to keep playing into stereotypes! (But for the record, it looks like fun, and I would never turn down a swamp tour.)

They take a boat-thing through the Everglades, and I’m fearful that they will find a body or something scary. (I’ve watched Dexter, okay, I know what gets dumped in the swamps!) They see an alligator, and do you want to know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? Well, if it’s an alligator, they will see you later, and if it’s a crocodile, you won’t see them until after a while. (YOU’RE WELCOME!)

They go to someone’s house, I think, and he cooks them up some frog legs and deep fried corn on the cob. I would be all OVER that deep fried corn! After the meal, Tia explains frogging to Arie, and then I zone out for a bit because Matt says to me, “remember when Aida would stick her tongue out whenever she saw a frog?” And I got all emotional thinking how much she’s grown in the past year.

This is her reaction to spotting a frog in the window.

Speaking of growing, Tia tells us her feelings are growing and growing and she’s got that lovin’ feeling, and it feels goooodddd. Arie switches gears from cars to boats, and they go to some vintage, nautical themed bar for dinner. Tia throws into the conversation that she has a doctorate, which I admit, is impressive. Getting one of those degrees takes WORK, ya’ll. Her profession, physical therapy, seems to come out in her relationships, because she tells Arie that she usually goes for guys who need fixin’ or whatever. She tells Arie she’s falling in love with him, and she gets a rose. I’m starting to yawn and rest my eyes a bit, because they’re having a very sweet date, but I’m needing them to wrap it up and get me some more Krystal drama to watch.

Okay, cocktail party time! Bekah tells us that Krystal was hiding in her room…but Krystal corrects us all and says she was discovering herself and some other BS that nobody is buying. She tells the women that she has no regrets, and it was a challenging week for “Arie and I.” OMG KRYSTAL! STOP ENDING YOUR SENTENCES WITH “I,” FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! DO IT FOR YOUR DOGS, KRYSTAL!

Kendall has a game for Arie where she pulls some notebook she calls her “question book.” She literally has scribbled in tons of random questions–Arie has to pick a number and she asks the corresponding questions, which is “would you ever try human meat?” Sometimes I feel like this is a social experiment for Kendall. “How weird can I get and still get a rose?” Kendall asks herself every week, as she tries to top taxidermy.

Krystal is like “haters gonna hate,” and tries to go “diffuse the situation” because she’s trying to cover her ass and doesn’t want the others to talk to Arie about her (which so far, nobody is doing, except for that one moment on the group date when they all talked about her). Krystal offers to talk to anyone who wants to, and Kendall steals her away. It’s a like a cocktail party within a cocktail party, guys!

Kendall says she feels protective of Arie because Krystal was bad mouthing him, and Kendall tells Krystal that she was so negative, she doesn’t seem like she’s right for Arie. Krystal counters that she’s entitled to feeling upset and being hurt. There’s a lot of back and forth about each one of them being hurt, and Tia sneaks in to add her two cents. Tia tells her to take ownership of what she did. Bekah, as usual, cuts through all the nonsense and says,” why are you still here?”

Matt and I discuss who we think is going to go home, and we say “Marikh and Ja-kwellan…” but then they open with Arie making out hardcore with Ja-kwellan, so good thing we didn’t make any real bets on that one!

Now. Back to the real cocktail party. Bekah tells Krystal that she’s acting like it’s all about her, and Krystal again is like “WAHHHH! It’s not fair because I won and the others didn’t!” And then, direct quote, “a lot of the girls don’t operate, like at my level, and I”m tired of lowering myself to stop to their’s. And I’m done, done. Glitter. That was glitter.” Is that a thing the youth are doing these days? Tossing actual or imaginary glitter when they literally can’t even? Do people still say “literally can’t even?” Help me out here, gang.

Krystal goes to talk to Arie and informs us that she feels “confident everything’s going to be okay, and I’m going to get a rose tonight.” Arie assures her that she knows him better than anyone else, but she needs to be more thoughtful and needs to think through her actions and reactions, and the way she acted put them a couple of steps back. Krystal pulls the childhood card, and her relationships on trust. She tells him she grew up in a bowling alley, and because here mom dated guys who never stuck around, she has trust issues. Arie is most certainly not buying what she’s selling. Arie tells her she still didn’t act appropriately, and it’s going to get even harder. Krystal’s voice gets even babier (not a word, but you know what I mean), and she says “this is our first fight,” omg! And Arie gives her a very stern look and says “and it may be our last fight.”

As Aida would say, “hooray!” Krystal stays on another week, which is great, because her drama is the only thing that is keeping me watching this show right now.

What did you all think of this week’s nonsense? Let me know in the comments! I will do my best to get next week’s recap up, as well as a gift guide for Galentine’s Day, but no promises–Aida’s second birthday is coming up so I will be crafting and getting things ready for her day. (But definitely have a look at my under $100 gift guide for Valentine’s Day if you need some ideas.)