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Location and Price mean I would stay here again despite all the negatives

This review relates to my stay at the Britannia hotel in Newcastle next to the airport. My husband and I were unfortunate to miss our flight and had to book a room in a hotel at the last minute. On a positive note the Britannia cost only £39 for the two of us staying on a room only basis. However, I wouldn't have paid much more than this. The Britannia's rate was less than half the price of neighbouring hotels and therefore if you are in a hurry, or need somewhere to sleep for one night then you can't go far wrong.

On check in, we had to wait quite a long time at the reception desk for the one receptionist to check in another customer. It was only 5pm so perhaps there could have been another employee to deal with our check in. The employee was someone who obviously doesn't really enjoy their job and found it difficult to offer a smile or words of welcome. We were asked if we wanted a smoking or non smoking room which we found rather surprising as it was our belief that all hotel rooms would now be non smoking. If it meant that the rooms had once been smoking, I would like to think that they have now been suitably cleaned that you could no longer smell any trace of smoke.

Entering our room we found a double bed, two bedside cabinets, an armchair and a small tv. The room was really clean and the bed was comfortable with clean, fresh bedding. The bathroom was also clean however the bath had parts that were discoloured due to age. In order to have a hot shower to my standards, and no that isn't boiling, I had to have the shower heat turned to full. There was a kettle in the room with various teas and coffee available as well as two biscuits.

Whilst this review appears to be highly negative I am aware that the price was so low, considering the location being so handy to the airport. Therefore, despite all the negative factors I probably would stay there again rather than pay more than double for a different hotel. At the end of the day I slept well in a comfortable bed and received a wake up call at 5.30am for my flight.

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This review relates to the Britannia Hotel near Newcastle Airport. It is one of their better hotels, which in a way I suppose is a poor reflection on the company.

We were checked in fairly quickly by a polite robot that covered all the basics about the hotel, breakfast times etc. and asked if we wanted any newspapers, wake up calls or a restaurant reservation. We were given the option of keeping the account open to charge to it or to close it then to ensure a quick checkout. This meant we were given a blue stamp on our guest card, to show we could purchase, but had we chose not to we would have been given a red stamp. She also pointed us to our room and told us to enjoy our stay, which was a nice unexpected touch.

Our room, 111, was near the end of an unlit corridor, which then lit up once you walked down it. The sensors are located at a few intervals throughout which meant when exiting your room the lights didn't come on until you had walked a distance. The room was rectangular in shape, being very deep but not very wide at all. It appeared to have been recently refurbished but left to defend itself since then with no help from maintenance and hadn't been looked after much. A new lamp was not at all in-keeping with the style of the room and had obviously been added in last minute. The new carpet was stained, the desk chair front leg was broken making it dangerously wobbly, both chairs were left to collect dust and crap, and the wobbly edge design of all the furniture meant that dust collected in every groove. Not really the cleaners fault, just the impractical design. In the refurbishment the TV clearly hadn't been replaced, it was an ancient 14" portable with a strange mix of channels and a few channels displaying Skybox errors. The secondary glazed windows had also been forgotten about. They were absolutely filthy (both the glass and frames) and even had mould growing around them, and the glass didn't fit in the frame. In between the two layers was a blackout blind with string that didn't work. The only plus being the windows could be opened all the way as the restrictors could easily be lifted up.

The beds however were comfortable and clean with fresh plain white sheets and a large headboard as well as individually controlled wall lights above each, as well as a large three draw chest in between the two with a hotel information leaflet and phone on it, as well as a broken pen and some paper. The room was well lit with the original lights on, but with the additional standing lamp near the door on you would be forgiven for thinking it was daytime. There was lots of hotel and local area information on a large stand next to the TV with everything from a large 'Times' magazine to a card from the 'FRIENDLY MAINTENANCE TEAM' saying that Britannia Hotels is like the Fourth Bridge as they are always maintaining their hotels, which I somewhat doubt. In the drawer in the desk was a laundry service card but no bag, and a tiny hairdryer which was actually useful as the huge eyesore from the 1800's dryer on the bathroom wall pushed out a useless flow of lukewarm air.

Aside from the contraption on the wall in the bathroom there was very little else, in the way of toiletries was two glasses, two small round soaps and two packets of basic shampoo. These were placed on either side of the sink which was cracked and stained red. There were plenty of fresh towels on both the rack and shelves all of which varied in size and were clean and white. The towels surrounding the bath were clean as well as the curtain, and hot water was also available to as and when desired. The toilet flushed well and everything in the bathroom besides the sink was clean.

There is a small gym on 1st Floor named 'The Bodyclub' which was a nice addition to the hotel considering it was free. It was extremely basic but would be sufficient for anyone with a regular workout routine and had two TVs. It is divided in to two halves, one for cardio and one for resistance. There was a broken treadmill, a stepper, rowing machine and exercise bikes in cardio, and various dumbbells (no barbells) and arm, chest and leg weight lifting machines. There was air conditioning which was defeated since all the windows were wide open. Also was a changing room which was simply a walk in cupboard with a light and locking door which strangely had sign about sun beds! A sign said that the gym could only be used by under 16s that were supervised, though the door to the gym was always open (it sticks - seems locked but is actually open, pull the handle right down and it will open) and it was unsupervised, but there was a few cameras.

We headed down to the bar later, which serves snacks until 10:45pm and is open until 'late'. Our food, a mountain of melted cheese served on a bed of bread and tomato puree which was referred to as pizza, was served quickly by a pleasant barman who was kept constantly busy by a continuous stream of customers but managed to remain smiling even though the glasses from the restaurant were also being stacked up to be cleaned too. Apart from the huge overload of cheese the food was very nice and the bread was homemade and crispy. Many chose to drink in the lounge as the bar was lit but the sitting area was close to pitch black and the TV volume was on the lowest it could go so it wasn't the most pleasant place to dine but it had also been refurbished so the furniture was clean and comfortable.

We both slept badly, mostly to blame was the unbearable temperature of the room, the noise from the airport was surprisingly minimal considering the location so it did at least mean that we could leave the windows wide open but this didn't really help. We noticed wild rabbits eating the grass outside our window, five at once at one point! There was a miniature fan which was so manky I cleaned it myself as I didn't like the feeling of having all that mess blowing in my face. The towel I cleaned it with was black at the end. The beds were not really causing a problem sleeping, the quilts were not too thick and the mattress was fine as well as the pillows which were good quality and fluffy. Once asleep we were not disturbed by anything except the alarm on my phone in the morning.

Breakfast was included in the rate which I was glad of as it was not worth the prices they were charging, though there wasn't any problems with it and was sufficient. We didn't have any of the fried selection so can't really comment but did see that it was always well stocked, but none of it was replenished at any point in the 45 minutes we spent there. There was a lot of continental stuff that no one touched like cottage cheese and prunes which to some would have been impressive as I haven't been to a hotel before with this much continental choice, but there was no fresh fruit - just tinned. There were two huge water urns containing hot water and coffee as well as a small machine for lattes and cappuccinos and so on, though everyone who used it felt a little embarrassed as when dispensing it screamed a loud high pitched noise for the duration! There was a stock of tea and coffee pots and a variety of normal and flavoured teas. The toaster had an OK stock of bread, but a pitiful supply of pastries - two dry croissants sprawled in a huge wicker basket. There was a choice of three different cereals in dispensers with upside down lids that crushed the cereal for you, Weetabix and Alpen were in bowls. Grapefruit, apple and grapefruit juice as well as milk were left to go warm in plastic dispensers. The tables were cleared quickly however once someone left, all by the same waitress.

The same robot checked us out fairly quickly, but stated £30 to pay. She was unaware that we had added extras to the room until we were informed of this. She went out to the back and came back a few minutes later stating the new price of £40.75 which was correct. Strangely in the time that she was in the back room a tiny dog ran out from the room for a few seconds behind the reception desk and then ran back in!?

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average hotel

I stayed at britannia country house hotel in didsbury last year before going on my holidays to cuba. We opted for this hotel because it was close to the airport and had aiport drop off service, it also had the option to leave your car at the hotel while you was on holiday but we didnt do this.At check we were met by a Polish man who was very plesent and english was good, when we arrived at our room it was small but it was cosy. me and my partner didnt eat dinner in the hotel restaurant we went to a restaurant around the corner,and we left early before breakfast so i can't comment on the food. The room must have just had a new bathroom installed and the shower was fantastic! it looked like down the corrider from us the rooms were being done up.which we did hear some banging in the day but it wasent that bad and we were going out anyway so it didnt matter to us. we did have a drink in the lounge bar in the evening though and it was quite but we liked that overall i would rate my stay good enough for me.

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I live in Stockport. My sister has lived in Spain for many years and has a Spanish husband and an eight month old daughter. It has been many years since she has been to England and so recently she decided to pay a visit for a week. Having checked some city centre Manchester hotels it was decided it would be best that she stayed somewhere in the Stockport/Cheshire area. She had worked for Brittania hotels many years ago and knew that they had hotels in Manchester City centre. Having checked the details on http://www.britanniahotels.com/ she rang the hotel direct from her home in Spain and booked a double room for her ,her husband and the baby. She was quoted the rates and was told that she would be given a deluxe larger room etc etc. Due to flight delays my sister arrived somewhat later than expected but had telephoned the hotel to inform them of this. At 0100 hours on Saturday morning we arrived at the hotel. Upon entering the foyer we were greeted by a scene reminiscent of that depicted in William Hogarth?s ?Gin Lane? (Artist). It appeared that a party or wedding celebration had been in full swing and that those attending had drunk their fill and were now expressing themselves freely in the reception area. There was no one in attendance at reception and no one in sight. The reception area was pitifull. The décor well worn and severely deteriorated in places , the carpet dirty and worn. The windows and entrance doors hadn?t been cleaned for some time as they were smeared with grime and handprints. After about ten minutes a bar man was sighted and having caught his attention he manned the reception desk his opening line surely the epitome of customer service,,?what do you want..?? he said. Having explained that a room had been booked he disappeared and said he?d get the night manager. A while later another chap arrived . We explained again that a room had been booked and he queried and examined us as if in disbelief that someone would travel across Europe to stay in the Brittania hotel ,Dialstone lane ,Offerton. Eventually he said he had a room ,my sister refused to sign in ,asking first to examine the room. We went round to the lift which was found to be broken. Never mind ,there was another room on the ground floor. We went to have a look at the other room . As soon as the door was opened the smell hit us. It smelled damp and dirty ,much like the rest of this ?hotel?. The room was tiny ,the carpet was matted and filthy ,the whole room was dirty ,smelly and grubby. I told my sister that we should leave immediately as this hotel was totally unsuitable. Glancing at the offwhite coloured bedspread I noticed several patches of yellowish staining. I ventured to suggest that these could easily be bodily fluids. We?d had enough ,informed the night manager and left. He just walked away and left us but as we loaded ourselves back into the car he came out and we explained that the hotel was unsuitable because of its state. This report is totally genuine and seems to tally with similar reports for the Brittania in Manchester Piccadilly on tripadvisor.com . I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and so do not have excessive expectations. I respect others and treat them reasonably . The Brittania hotel in Stockport cannot be recommended. It is filthy and I can only assume that it is so long since anyone has stayed their that the staff have forgotten how to act. It is more reminiscent of a rent by the hour hostel/boarding house. My sisters husband ,who doesn?t speak English so well ,remarked that it looked like a Bordello. If the hotel attempts to charge as a cancelled reservation ,we will sue them and its owner. I can only assume that this place only manages to stay open because there is an attached "leisure centre". No one in their right mind would chose to stay here. I wouldn't stay if they paid ME £7 0 per night. The website and brochures are a gross misrepresentation.

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My experience of Britannia hotels has always been so appalling that, given the choice, I would never stay in one. As always happens, though, it wasn’t up to me, and so for 8 days at the start of June I was holed up in the Stockport Britannia for a lovely little training course on how to make sure I wouldn’t lose any of my kids or, more importantly, annoy their parents this summer. The hotel is on Dialstone Lane in the Offerton area of the town. A taxi from Stockport station costs about £5, and although there’s a bus stop outside, I wouldn’t recommend it if you have luggage. The hotel itself was what I have come to expect from the chain. The reception area was old fashioned (70s) and staffed by receptionists who wouldn’t even have been born then but who were so rude it didn’t matter. The lounge area is the biggest insult to interior design you’ll ever see and also houses an expensive bar (£2 for a coke compared to 50p in Manchester city centre) and a wide screen TV which pleased most of the group since the World Cup had just started when we stayed. The bedrooms are spread out over 3 floors in two wings. If you’re thinking of using the lifts, don’t. If you’re thinking of taking the stairs, do so carefully. The former are so old they have the separate inside cagey door thing I’ve rarely seen outside films, and the latter are narrow, creaky and all together unsafe looking. Technically the hotel would be suitable for disabled guests, but I for one wouldn’t want to trail those bumpy corridors in a wheel chair, or travel alone in one of their precarious lifts. The rooms themselves have interesting decoration (for “interesting” read “tacky”) and are verging on the small side. We had 2 beds (luckily – a lot of the group had been put into double rooms to share with random people they’d never met before), a bedside table (just the one), a suitc ase stand and a trouser press (conveniently hidden in what appeared to be a wardrobe, but wasn’t – our clothes stayed in our bags since there were also only 2 drawers). We had a kettle and two cups, plus a limited supply of tea and coffee, which weren’t re-filled. High on the wall was a TV offering Channels 1 – 5, Sky Sports, Sky News and CNN I think. The bathroom was just that - a room with a bath (plus dodgy shower attachment), loo, basin and about 30 cm of floorspace to manoeuvre between them. Again, although we had soap and their shower gel / shampoo sachets (which are really runny, really blue and really good at leaving the dirt still on you) these were only re-filled once during our stay. While maids came into the rooms daily, their duties seemed to include little more than making the beds and shutting the windows (which we opened again immediately we returned because of the fact the, like the rest of the hotel, the rooms were boiling). They didn’t clean and they didn’t always change the towels. Now it’s more than likely this is because of the size of our group, the frequency JMC/18-30s use the hotel, and the fact that they were almost certainly not paying full rates, but I can’t be certain. Hmmmm, had they known they were housing a little opinion writer for a week, they might have upped their service (evil cackle, as I now get to tell you all how bad they are. Do hope they have net access…….) We were on full board which was not good. Breakfasts were identical daily unless, as they frequently did, they ran out of items, say orange juice, butter, bread. This then meant a smaller selection as they didn’t provide alternatives. The choice, on a good day, included: Orange, apple, grapefruit and tomato juice A cold buffet – croissants, fruit, cereal and yoghurts A hot buffet – traditional English breakfast, of which all I ate was something whi ch could have been warm bread, fried bread or toast depending on which slice you got Tea and coffee were available but you had to ask very nicely and not be in a hurry. You could order breakfast to your room but only a continental selection. The rest of the room service menu, which I didn’t try, included sandwiches, salads and an awful lot of alcohol to make up, I imagine, for the lack of minibars. Lunch for us was a selection of buffets which were limited, badly cooked and pretty disgusting. Dinner was a carvery. 6 nights out of 8. Overboard? Them? It’s an on-going thing too, because the first words from everyone we met out in resort were “Just been in Stockport? Enjoyed the roast dinners?” The best food was on our two sponsored evenings when, although the hotel cooked, the menu was provided by the company. And even then, they managed to mess up the garlic bread…. The hotel advertises itself as a suitable venue for conferences, and while it was ok, I’ve been to better. The training rooms are small and stuffy, and they seemed to enjoy providing broken OHPs, projectors, TVs, tables, chairs and so on. They did like their iced water though, and we had our jugs refilled every time there was a break. The breaks meant tea, coffee and cordials for the rest of the reps, and a plate of biscuits for me since I drink none of the above. While I’m on the subject, serving the same biscuits twice a day for a week is irritating when you think of all the wondrous crunchy things out there, and the fact that we were all leaving behind the British biscuit trade for months on end. In our free time (about an hour a day except on football days when we got most of each England match off training) we looked at the (small) swimming pool and (very hotel) gym. These cost £2.50 for 24 hours or £5 for 4 days (I think) but I didn’t opt for these, choosing instead to lie on my bed reading the free newspape rs (the only ones offered were the Independent and some red top I’ve forgotten, but better than nothing). In the vicinity of the hotel were shops (newsagents, Spar, florist, pharmacy) and the odd pub, take away and proper restaurant. It’s quite a way into the centre of Stockport but buses do head that way. I imagine that most people using the hotel would be doing so on business, or holding a reception of some kind there. It’s not the type of place you’d go for a week’s holiday or even a short break, and I wouldn’t recommend it if you were given the choice. I’m sure there are better hotels in the area, and if not the certainly in the city. When you consider that hotels are places to stay, sleep and eat for any number of days, one which provides incompetent staff, uncomfortable bedrooms and sub-standard food can have few redeeming qualities.

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THE BRITANNIA HOTEL, BIRMINGHAM - August 2002 I am not used to staying in hotels very often, so when we had the big Ciao meet last weekend, it was a bit of a treat for me and I was looking forward to it. As it was, I didn’t get to bed ‘til gone 3am and was up around 8am, so spent very little time in my bed. (And no, I didn’t spend any time in anyone else’s bed either!) But I saw enough to form an opinion. Allie and I arrived there on the Saturday morning and tried to check in. We were told we couldn’t until 1pm, although this was extended until 2pm at some point later. The two women behind reception were friendly and helpful though and offered to look after our suitcases, placing them in the room behind the desk. The hotel is in a beautifully central location, near to Birmingham New Street station and right near a load of shops and eating places – ideal for the Ciao meet! It is hard to find the entrance though, as it is off down a side street and it doesn’t look like you are allowed to get in that way at first. The reception area itself isn’t great. It is dark and dingy and there’s a wobbly ramp that I never felt safe walking down. Still, we were there, apprehensive but excited at meeting old and new friends. There was a board in reception saying the Ciao meet was in the Malvern Lounge on the second floor, so that’s where we headed for. I had been planning to use the stairs as I normally do, but they looked a bit confusing, so I got in the lift with Allie. The lifts deserve a whole paragraph to themselves. Yes, they are spacious, useful and covered with mirrors so you could see just how dishevelled you looked. But only one of the two worked at all during the weekend and no one seemed to be doing anything to repair the broken one. You had to wait an age for the lift to arrive as there are so many floors and with everyone needing different leve ls, they took seemingly forever to get to you and longer again to deposit you on the right floor. Not impressive at all. (Oh, two paragraphs then, not one.) The Malvern Suite was a huge room, lovely and spacious, easily enough to happily seat the fifty of us attending – but at a price. There were no windows, the air conditioning wasn’t working and the temperature was in the thirties. We were sweltering! It really was very unpleasant. I decided to change my clothes halfway through the day, because I was feeling so uncomfortable and I kept sneaking another squidge of deodorant under my armpits to alleviate any smells. This did have a positive side to it though – I’m sure I lost weight! In fact, it felt a bit like a general Detox really! I sweated loads as though I was in a sauna. I was nervous, so only ate one meal a day. (I have a thing about eating in public!) Plus – it was so hot, I drank some eight pints of water in just that evening! Along with my two visits to Lush, my skin should be glowing ;-) I don’t know how we would have coped without that water barrel in the corner of the room. I bought a pint of icy mineral water from the bar for £2.80(!) then continued to fill it from the free water in the barrel. Talking of drinks, I didn’t experience too much of the bar service as I notoriously drank only tea (£1.75 a pot) and water all weekend. (I’m a wild thing and know how to party!) But it was rather erratic. The bar upstairs opened for the odd half an hour when it felt like it, while the one downstairs seemed to be open more often but – well, it was downstairs! (Oh by the way, thanks again to everyone who bought me a drink – Squiggles, Ophelia, Ken, Allie and others I’ve forgotten.) The Malvern room was ours for the Saturday and we made full use of it, the last ones staying up talking ‘til 4am or later. We decided to reconvene in there again on the Sunday morning, but by then, we weren’t so welcome being informed by some snotty woman that we needed to vacate it, because Millicent the Maid had to clean up. We had already told Millicent she was welcome to clean the room an hour before, as we were only using a handful of chairs in one corner – but evidently, this wasn’t enough. We had to be made to feel like naughty school kids too. The staff varied from completely incompetent and rude to very sweet and helpful, depending where you were and if your luck was in. The chambermaids were rather keen too, trying to come into our room over an hour before we were due to check out of it! Good thing Allie and I weren’t doing anything kinky ;-) The bedrooms were a huge joke in the design stakes. They were tiny and sparsely furnished. Ours had a kettle (hurray!), TV (that we never used) and a table stuffed in one side with two small beds with about a foot space between them. There was a wardrobe too, but you couldn’t open it, because the bed was in the way! Obviously designed by imbeciles. The room also came equipped with a bizarre light switch system that was akin to some strange game show. We ended up sleeping with the bathroom light on all night because of this, but my eight pints of water meant this was useful anyway ;-) I didn’t sleep well in the hotel. A combination of insanely loud and misplaced seagulls on a quest for world domination was a prime factor. Add to this the singing and doors banging, the noise from the street and the stifling heat and you get the idea – hardly a picture of tranquillity. They also had feather pillows – and only one each. By the time I got to bed and noticed this, I thought it was too late to change it so I improvised. Folded up towels with my fleece over the top made an adequate replacement. I’ll let you know if I hear back from the Patent office ;-) The next morning saw the day dawning bright and oh yes, hot. Breakfast was served for a good time, I think it was between 7 and 10am. There was a lot of seating and a wide range of cooked food, fruit juice, cereals and so on. Not really being someone who ‘does’ breakfast, I settled for a forced down yoghurt (and another smuggled into my bag for later) and the obligatory tea. After finishing my own pot and finding the staff rather busy, I decided to collect contributions from other Ciaoer’s teapots, bringing my total to some seven cups – an ideal way to start the day. Before leaving the hotel on the Sunday, we lounged around a bit in the TV area on the Mezzanine level, so I managed to catch a bit of Sky News and hear the latest updates on the tragic news of those poor little girls. Sending waves of bad vibes through the TV set to Ian Huntley, I pushed it to the back of my mind and enjoyed the rest of the day. The final stragglers were left by midday – Allie and I, Mel (Cheekychicken) and Deano, Jo (pinkle) and Trish (shewhosmiles). Leaving the hotel reception provided one of the worst displays of staff incompetence that I had seen all weekend. Jo is in a wheelchair and the hotel has revolving doors. In order to get a wheelchair through it, these doors need to be folded up so one can go through the space. So we got there and asked and waited. Then waited some more. Then a bloke appeared, tried to close the doors, said he couldn’t and disappeared. We waited again. Then someone tried some more, but Jo finally resorted to standing up and taking a few obviously painful and difficult steps out of the hotel. She then had to hold on to the wall outside while Trish collapsed her wheelchair. Of course, around this time, one of the staff did manage to get the revolving doors sorted out. If there had been a fire, how would they have coped? There were three or four wheelchairs amongst the C iao attendees, so what would have happened in an emergency is anyone’s guess. I’ll never know how Jo kept her cool and didn’t thump someone! She also told us that not only was the wheelchair ramp unsafe, but the way it was positioned in the reception meant that it was almost impossible to use, because of the coffee table in the way! This hotel definitely needs to re-think a few things and until it does, I would not say it is suitable for disabled people. Overall, as everyone else has said, the Ciao meet was excellent and more than made up for the problems with the hotel. Ophelia (offy) had negotiated us a discount so Allie paid £45 for our room (Thanks, babe!) instead of the £110 it usually costs. I would love to do more Ciao meets (or Dooyoo ones!), it was a great weekend and I felt I made some real, long-lasting friends. But if we go to Birmingham again (and I hope we do), let’s try another hotel. Failing that, we can all camp outside Lush :-) DISADVANTAGES Appalling problems for wheelchair users. Too blinking hot! Poor condition of the stairs. Only one lift working at the time. Some of the staff are quite rude and unhelpful. Confusing light switches in the rooms. Lots of noise. Feather pillows. Easy to get lost, it all looks the same. ADVANTAGES It’s close to Lush. You can get there quite easily from the train station. The tea they serve is nice. Um, no, that’s it – but it was worth it to meet everyone! P.S. Gosh, that was long, sorry!!! Here's an advert I concocted for a fictional <cough> hotel not unlike the one we stayed at - enjoy :-) *** HOTEL PITANIA *** Do you want to stay in a big hotel in the middle of Summer? Of course you do! But will you choose ours? Answer these questions and decide…. Do you like walking? Are you one of those happy bunn ies who run up flights of stairs for fun? Are you phobic about lifts? If YES, you will love our hotel. Do you love tropical temperatures? Will 40 degrees Celsius do you? Our staff is specially trained to cope with this, following intensive long holidays in the Caribbean. Heat is our speciality. (A pint of water costs £2.80.) Do you love the sea? Those magical nights of sea air and long stretches of golden beaches? Well, we can’t bring the sea to Birmingham, but we do the next best thing. We have specially imported 3000 seagulls and have carefully trained them to screech at you all night. Now you too can enjoy a seaside holiday in the middle of Birmingham. Still not convinced? Why not sample our brand new revolutionary electricity switch system? Sponsored by the American company ‘Whatthehell?’ this has to be seen to be believed. At a switch of a button, you too can be plunged into darkness in your hotel room. (Lighters not provided.) If you want the bedside table lamp and the bathroom light to be turned on or off simultaneously, we can do this too. Do you love having an asthma attack? Feather pillows are provided for this purpose. And only one, of course. We wouldn’t want you waking up without a neck ache now, would we? For those who prefer non-feather pillows, our suggestion is to fold the hotel towels (preferably wet) and place your fleece over the top. Interested? Of course you are! Ring us on our permanently engaged number or email us on youmustbejoking@ripoff.com Enjoy your stay :-)