Thursday, February 19, 2015

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A larger-than-usual gathering of Catholics celebrating Ash Wednesday yesterday wreaked havoc among the community's predominantly white Evangelical Protestant population. According to Mike Fallopian, Yoyodyne executive and chairman of the conservative Peter Pinguid Society, the problem began with an incident at the area Whole Foods. "At first I wasn't sure what I was seeing," Fallopian explained. "These three women were standing in line with dirt smeared all over their faces. Normally, when you politely tell a person she has something on her face, she discreetly wipes it away and thanks you. Not so much on Ash Wednesday, it turns out." Managers at Whole Foods also found the observance alien, mistaking the women for unwashed vagrants who had wandered in from Hobo Gardens, the county's segregated transient community. When the women were refused service over hygiene concerns, an altercation erupted that required police intervention.

Fallopian claimed that one woman became angry and vocal, which led to a confrontation.

"The store employees didn't even know what to do, with that harpy screaming the way she was about Jesus and stuff," Fallopian continued. "We all know about Jesus here. This is a Judeo-Christian community, not a Catholic bayou hootenanny. The good people in this town don't go in for all that heretical hoodoo. There's some Jews here, too. I can't imagine they were any happier. Those crosses the women drew on their foreheads in dirt -- they looked like swastikas. Can you imagine?"

Father Preternature, who presides over the county's only Catholic church, said that although his membership has increased recently, most of the people in San Narciso County have limited exposure to Catholic rituals.

"It's the community's fault," Preternature complained. "They've been dragging unprecedented numbers of immigrants here from Arizona for landscaping, cooking in Asian restaurants and such. These people are mostly Catholic, and I've been happy to open my doors to them. They didn't deserve the treatment they received."

Fallopian said that new citizens need to make more of an effort to integrate to the social norms of the community, if they seek acceptance.

"It took years for us to understand why the only deli in Bennington Vale shut down before dark every Friday night, and stayed closed all Saturday," Fallopian continued. "I can't imagine how long it will take to acclimate to yet another new religion in our Christian culture. But I suppose it's a nice change of pace to hear about a Catholic priest smearing something on a kid's forehead that's just dirt."