Thursday, July 12, 2012

Yarnworthy?

Young knitters often stop me on the street* and ask, "Franklin, how do you determine whether or not a person ought to get a knitted gift or a store-bought gift?"

My personal rule for deciding this couldn't be simpler. I ask myself these two questions regarding the potential recipient:

Are you a close blood relation with whom I am on speaking terms?

Are you providing me with high-quality free sex on a regular basis?

If the the answer to either question** is "yes," then I will consider knitting a gift.

So often, though, the confused young knitter confesses that he or she finds these criteria insufficient, and asks for further clarification. To that end, I have prepared the following chart. Unlike me, it is available for consultation twenty-four hours a day, every day; and you will never stop it to ask it questions when it is horribly late for an important meeting or, frankly, just needs to get home and pee.

*Not really.**I hasten to reassure the gentle reader that the answer to both questions is never "yes."

I've just knit my second pair of Olympic socks for an actual Olympian, a friend of mine--though only an acquaintance prior to the first pair of socks. About 18 months after those games (2008 Olympics), we were standing in freezing cold together at a competiton (we do the same sport, but I'm at Adult Weenie level) and I happened to point out that the reason her hat looked stupid was that she had machine washed it and thereby felted it. But then I hastily added, "those socks I made you are super wash, so they could actually go into a washing machine." She replied, "DUH. I had to do a special load last night to have them ready for today."

These are people you can knit for again, regardless of the lack of sex, free, high-quality, or otherwise.

Very amusing! And I have to ask about the logic at the end. I don't see why there are arrows to "buy" and "knit" from both "hell no" and "well...ok" Shouldn't the "hell no" just go to "buy" and the "well...ok" just go to "knit"? Otherwise the whole chart still comes down to you making a decision at the end. Or is that the final joke?

Thank you Franklin!This gives me extra ammo in my new resolution to knit more for myself (up until now I've gifted almost twice as many things as I've knit for myself). No more guilt over feeling that because I'm capable of knitting a gift I should knit a gift.

If I didn't think this was a joke it would make me so sad :-( If you are a friend of mine, the chances are you own, or will soon own, something I've knitted. Not a good friend, or close friend, just a friend... Mind you, I almost NEVER buy new yarn. I buy from charity shops or very heavily discounted, so maybe I can be a bit less precious.

How big and complicated is the knitted item? I can churn out a stocking cap during a movie. It takes two nights of TV watching to make a scarf. A whole cable-knit or Faire Isle sweater is another thing entirely. And unless you have given me a kidney you are not getting lace.

Other criteria to consider too: 1. are they crafty and can thus appreciate all the hours you are going to put into the knitted item2. how likely are they to handwash their gift

I'm very lucky, I have a good group of friends who are all horribly suspicious of putting their knitted socks into the washing machine, superwashing or no. And they fawn over them in amazement so very well too:)

I always like to make something knitted for new babies, I think the babies deserve it. But, I do have an additional scales that might be helpful. It is harsh but effective. How good a friend/close a relative is it? 1. Hat, 2. Baby sweater, 3. Blanket (no larger than 30 by 30 for goodness sakes!). Telling the truth to myself and separating out the hat friends from the blankie friends has been this knitter's salvation.

I love the chart. I knit a replacement baby/toddler hat for a friend who had lost the first when she asked. Why, you say? The child and then next one had worn the other hat for 2.5 years. She complimented me on how well it fit as compared to everything else. She then said that "alas, it had been lost." I actually knit her two hats. A ball of quivit actually showed up as a thank you.

I am so sorry, but I'm confused.It looks like you can answer the question "Would yarn be a better gift?" or the one about the impromptu dog/cat/iguana somnolence with either answer of "hell no" or "well, okay" and still get the either/or options of buy or knit.

Just found your blog and this great scheme. I think the questions are perfect. I also do not make handmade for anyone who hasn't asked for one directly. DH hasn't asked so he wears store-bought socks while my son's girlfriend luxuriates in a silk blend in her fave color. And how good is Angels and Insects? Not well known, but a great! movie.

Love! But my question is, why is there an arrow from "um...no" to "would yarn be a better gift?"? The only way to get to "um...no" is from answering that none of the recipients knit and they've never asked for a piece of knitting. Why would yarn ever be a better gift in those circumstances? Shouldn't "um...no" go straight to "BUY" 100% of the time? :)

The dog/cat/iguana question needs a couple subroutines coming off it. One would be off the "Well, OK" and would ask "Do you like working with machine-washable yarns (even acrylic)?" "Yes" from that would lead to "KNIT" while "No" would lead to "BUY".

I'm not sure where to fit "Would they (the recipient) mind if your dog/cat/iguana/ferret/parrot has already slept/peed on it?"

My criteria are somewhat different: Is this a pattern or yarn you really, really want to knit? Yes - Why aren't you already knitting? No - Why bother?Is is something you would use or wear? Yes - Get out the needles. No - thenDo you know someone who would use or wear it?Yes - Ok, start knitting.No - thenWould it be appropriate for a charity donation?Yes - You know the answer.No - Why on earth do you want to knit/knit with this?

Truth be told, I knit for others far more often than I knit for myself, but only because the project is something I want to knit.

I would dearly love to be able to pay you for your genius and the time you spend sharing with total strangers, but alas, there never seems to be a link to PayPal so that I can do so. Aside from this flowchart there is a colored-in (by me with highlighters) printing of your spiders discussing Barbara Walker's pernicious influence on web spinning. Make an honest woman of me, please, Franklin.

Lol! I just finished knitting a blanket for a wedding gift, but I haven't wrapped it yet. I'm having a hard time letting it go because I don't want it ruined by the washer or worse. If I had listened to you, I could have saved the anguish and just bought them something.

Really, I think you hit pay dirt with your question "Have they ever asked for a piece of your knitting". Just to be safe, I think the recipient should have to ask multiple times to be sure of their sincerity! =)

Driving into Cedar Rapids this morning to pick up the Sunday NY Times I heard on NPR that the Green Party has nominated a candidate for President. When will the Fibertarians have their convention? I have some vacation time coming and would like to request the time off so I can attend!

love it. on a totally unrelated note, I friended you on facebook just in case you could help find my missing butch girlfriend. I couldn't find a way to PM you, so that's all I could do. I'm trying to mobilize all my Chicago community.

I made my great-nephew a beautiful sweater and hat when he was born in October. I have yet to see him in it, even in photos. I made an afghan for my daughter's band directors shower. I saw the child with the afghan 3 years later - strings dangling off it. Her mother was so embarrased, but I told her it was the highest praise to have an item so loved.

No doubt you are considering this, but the chart is begging to be printed on tote bags or T-shirts that you can sell.I recently lost my favorite person, the perfect recipient, to knit for--my 23-year-old size 6 completely hip niece, graduate of RISD--to Texas. Too hot for wool there, alas.

For me, deciding to knit a gift is a much bigger decision than crocheting one. I'll churn out potholders and other little cute crocheted stuff, but knitting requires more attention. So unless you're prepared to paint a portrait of my face on the hood of your car upon receiving my knitted gift, I'm probably not going to count you worthy.

I wish I could share this flowchart with my friends who pester me about hand knit gifts. There are several whom I love dearly but would, frankly, suck ass at caring for said hand knit gift and I would be devastated to discover it has been felted in the washer, peed on by the dog, etc.

MY strategy on knitting for other people: I knit them something (often small) and then do the same for me, but without the bunch of mistakes I make in the first try ;) I know it's bitchy, but works for me!

Franklin, I've printed off your chart and stuck it on my kitchen wall for all to enjoy. Fortunately, my 20-something kids have been "trained" in the wearing and caring of wool, as well as the knitting. I'm waiting to see when they decide that I'm "knitworthy"!

Franklin, I loved your article about Iceland in VK. That photo of the Granny Smith green plotulopi (sp?) was tantalizing. The photo of the first Parliament building amazed me, along with your comment that it's a great plate to see the north Atlantic ridge! Thanks for the article.

Great chart! To keep me from feeling underappreciated, I knit a great deal of hats/blankets for charity. That way, I am always knitting and enjoy the delusion that my gifts are well cared for, appreciated and enjoyed by someone in need. Yes, delusions are a good thing.

Lovely! Very good advice as per usual. I'm *really* writing to say a big "Congratulations" on the new Lion Brand Yarn column. Now if you could only style and photograph their various model garments.....they commit SO many YARN CRIMES......::::sigh:::::

I have another problem. What if you're from Kentucky and the first two questions you mention in the blog entry (but not the chart) are true for the same person? Would that mean automatic knitting goodies for that person?

Have you been taken hostage by Dolores? Does she have you wrapped up in wool? Is asking for a ransom? Does she want dancing men or alcohol? Let us know so that we, your adoring fans, may help to bring you back to the blog.

I checked all the hospitals, and police reports, but nothing. I even typed in Google "Where in the World is Franklin Habit" and got some stuff, but nothing recent. HAVE YOU DROPPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH MAN???!! ABDUCTED BY ALIENS?? How about a post that just says "Leave Me Alone You Crazy Knitter People!!!"

Franklin - it's my first time here so thanks for the laugh, but mostly, thanks for showing me that I am not the only person in the world having those "wheater or not to give knitted or crocheted gift" thoughts.Hugs,Anita in Denmark

Dear Franklin, Glad to see I'm not the only one worried about you. I hope all is well and you will return soon. (I also suspect Delores, but was afraid to say so because she might come looking for me next.)

OK....so some judicious web surfing tells me you're going to be in London in November....you lucky dog! Have a wonderful Londonishness visit....but please don't forget your Faithful Fans...just a short posting, please?? Just so we know you're OK and revving up for a great trip.

I have absolute faith in Harry behaving Himself if he's going with you.

If you need a place to park Dolores...mi casa es Dolores casa...just give me some notice so I can coordinate with the local authorities. I live in a small college town and have neighbors who don't turn a hair at student craziness. How bad can Dolores be?

Hmmmmmmm am rethinking offer. Better grab it while it's still on the table!!

The Madrona people say you'll be there again, so you must not have *quite* fallen off the earth. I'm guessing a fabulous book deal and all the accompanying work. Hope you're well, and see you at Madrona. Signed, That Crazy Lady who Accosted you For a Celeb Pic Outside the Hotel Elevators. :)

Oh Franklin, I have just found the pineapple purse. And I am in love with it. It will be my next project. Thank you so much. And I really enjoy your blog. You make me laugh. I may not be laughing any more after I actually start the purse, but I just must do it. Without beads, though.

sooo... can't find anywhere else on the blog to contact you. I would LOVE to buy a 'Men with Yarn' calendar for 2013, but it doesn't look like they exist. Can you make one for 2014 and make us all happy so we can buy it? Thanks!!

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