Delilah Boyd

Have scissors. Will hire someone to use them.

Friday, November 30, 2007

I-35 Was Created By God?

You can't make this crap up: Robertson and his Holy Rollers believe that Interstate and Isaiah are the same. And that in our modern North-South highway numbering system (multiples of five, anyone?), the number 35 refers to chapter 35 of the book of Isaiah.

How do these "Purity Siege" types explain the "forked" splits of I-35 at Hillsboro and Denton, TX, and at Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN?

They don't.

So, where did these freaks get their I-35 crap?

Isaiah 35

1The wilderness and the solitary place shall be glad for them; and the desert shall rejoice, and blossom as the rose.

2It shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice even with joy and singing: the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, the excellency of Carmel and Sharon, they shall see the glory of the LORD, and the excellency of our God.

3Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees.

4Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.

5Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped.

6Then shall the lame man leap as an hart, and the tongue of the dumb sing: for in the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert.

7And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes.

8And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.

9No lion shall be there, nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon, it shall not be found there; but the redeemed shall walk there:

10And the ransomed of the LORD shall return, and come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads: they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Obviously, these people have no idea how pig ignorant they are. One of them noticed that I-35 is a highway, and Isaiah 35 has the multi-translated word highway in it: Et voilà! An idiotic idea is born.

17They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD.

This obviously means that God will fry you if you eat pork BBQ on Route 66.

When The Weekly Standard Thinks R Prez Candidates Suck...

So, a good night for for the lowest denominator, a bad night for the GOP. America got to see a vaguely threatening parade of gun fetishists, flat worlders, Mars Explorers, Confederate flag lovers and zombie-eyed-Bible-wavers as well as various one issue activists hammering their pet causes. My cheers went to a listless Fred Thompson who easily qualified himself to be president in my book by looking all night like he would cheerfully trade his left arm for an early exit off the stage to a waiting Scotch and good Cuban cigar. The media will probably award a win to Mike Huckabee, the easy listening music candidate at home in any crowd, fluent in simpleton speak and the one man on the stage tonight who led the audience to roaring cheers by boasting that he had a special qualification to be president that none of the second-raters on the stage could match: A degree in Bible Studies from Ouachita Baptist University of Arkadelphia, Arkansas.

Rove Embraces His Inner Suckiness

Hey, did you actually expect KKKarl Rove not to continue lying about his former bread & butter gig with BushCo?

According to Karl Rove (on Charlie Rose), the Bush Administration did not want Congress to vote on the Iraq War resolution in the fall of 2002, because they thought it should not be done within the context of an election. Rove, you see, did not think the war vote should be "political".

Moreover, according to Rove, that "premature vote" led to many of the problems that cropped up in the Iraq War. Had Congress not pushed, he says, Bush could have spent more time assembling a coalition, and provided more time to the inspectors. ...

Monday, November 26, 2007

Fred Thompson Finally Figures Out FOX Is Biased

Of course, no one has ever accused Fred Thompson of being smart; however, this little ditty confirms he's still capable of learning basic facts...

Especially when the facts hit him in the face.

Thompson charges Fox News is biased against his campaign

Former Sen. Fred Thompson (R-Tenn.) suggested on Sunday that Fox News is biased against his campaign, charging that the network highlights commentators who have been critical of his run for the presidency.

In an interview on "Fox News Sunday," host Chris Wallace pressed Thompson on how some conservatives have lambasted Thompson's campaign and showed clips of Fox conservative commentators Charles Krauthammer and Fred Barnes criticizing the former senator.

Thompson said, "This has been a constant mantra of Fox, to tell you the truth." He noted that other conservatives have praised his bid for the GOP nomination and took issue with a Fox promo that focused on polling in New Hampshire, where Thompson is registering in the single digits.

Wait! Suddenly, Thompson figures it out: He's the wounded animal about to be devoured by the stronger members of the pack...

Thompson, in a firm, but measured tone, scolded Wallace: "...for you to highlight nothing but the negatives in terms of the polls and then put on your own guys who have been predicting for four months, really, that I couldn't do it, kind of skew things a little bit. There's a lot of other opinion out there."

Krauthammer and Barnes regularly appear on Fox. Krauthammer is a syndicated columnist and Barnes is executive editor of The Weekly Standard.

Wallace denied to Thompson that "Fox has been going after you" and asked, "Do you know anybody who thinks you've run a great campaign, sir?"

Thompson responded, "It's not for me to come here and try to convince you that somebody else thinks I've run a great campaign." He added that National Review magazine has praised him for issuing detailed policy proposals on Social Security and immigration.

Following the sharp exchange, a smiling Wallace said, "I'm glad I asked the question because I got a heck of an answer."

Yes, Fred, there is a vast rightwing conspiracy. And you're just so much excess baggage.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Today's Sermon: Do You Need A Holy Ghost Enema?

Well, do you? Watch and decide.

Yes or no?

My short answer response: No.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and do one of two things: either agree that you need the Holy Ghost up your ass (for whatever odd reason); or, ignore the crazed rantings of those severely coiffed, cubic zirconia-encrusted, dragon lady-looking televangelists, who want nothing more than your money.

NEW YORK To no one's surprise in a world where top White House aides with any president eventually write a book about it, former Press Sectetary Scott McClellan will be coming out with his volume in April.

It's called "What Happened" and its publisher, Public Affairs, at its Web site carries this brief excerpt:

"The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White house briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

"There was one problem. It was not true."

Then snotty Scotty fingers the real liars...

"I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice President, the President's chief of staff, and the president himself."

So now we know BushCo's updated out of the loop defense for absolutely every occasion:

"I lied accidentally (to the nation) because my best buddies lied to me."

Advice to Scotty: With friends like yours... Avoid small planes and long walks in the woods (with a gun and/or a knife). And don't go hunting with Cheney, either.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Today's Sermon: Making A List & Checking It Twice

As you read the following list of "40 Examples Of Christian privilege," how many of your family members, friends, or acquaintances appear to fit this "Christian Privilege" description?

1. It is likely that state and federal holidays coincide with my religious practices, thereby having little to no impact on my job and/or education.

2. I can talk openly about my religious practices without concern for how it will be received by others.

3. I can be sure to hear music on the radio and watch specials on television that celebrate the holidays of my religion.

4. When told about the history of civilization, I am can be sure that I am shown people of my religion made it what it is.

5. I can worry about religious privilege without being perceived as “self-interested” or “self-seeking.”

6. I can have a “Jesus is Lord” bumper sticker or Icthus (Christian Fish) on my car and not worry about someone vandalizing my car because of it.

7. I can share my holiday greetings without being fully conscious of how it may impact those who do not celebrate the same holidays. Also, I can be sure that people are knowledgeable about the holidays of my religion and will greet me with the appropriate holiday greeting (e.g., Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, etc.).

8. I can probably assume that there is a universality of religious experience.

9. I can deny Christian Privilege by asserting that all religions are essentially the same.

10. I probably do not need to learn the religious or spiritual customs of others, and I am likely not penalized for not knowing them.

11. I am probably unencumbered by having to explain why I am or am not doing things related to my religious norms on a daily basis.

12. I am likely not judged by the improper actions of others in my religious group.

13. If I wish, I can usually or exclusively be among those from my religious group most of the time (in work, school, or at home).

14. I can assume that my safety, or the safety of my family, will not be put in jeopardy by disclosing my religion to others at work or at school.

15. It is likely that mass media represents my religion widely AND positively.

16. It is likely that I can find items to buy that represent my religious norms and holidays with relative ease (e.g., food, decorations, greeting cards, etc.).

17. I can speak or write about my religion, and even critique other religions, and have these perspectives listened to and published with relative ease and without much fear of reprisal.

18. I could write an article on Christian Privilege without putting my own religion on trial.

19. I can travel without others assuming that I put them at risk because of my religion; nor will my religion put me at risk from others when I travel.

20. I can be financially successful without the assumption from others that this success is connected to my religion.

21. I can protect myself (and my children) from people who may not like me (or them) based on my religion.

22. Law enforcement officials will likely assume I am a non-threatening person if my religion is disclosed to them. In fact, disclosure may actually help law enforcement officials perceive me as being “in the right” or “unbiased."

23. I can safely assume that any authority figure will generally be someone of my religion.

24. I can talk about my religion, even proselytize, and be characterized as “sharing the word,” instead of imposing my ideas on others.

25. I can be gentle and affirming to people without being characterized as an exception to my religion.

26. I am never asked to speak on behalf of all Christians.

27. My citizenship and immigration status will likely not be questioned, and my background will likely not be investigated, because of my religion.

28. My place of worship is probably not targeted for violence because of sentiment against my religion.

29. I can be sure that my religion will not work against me when seeking medical or legal help.

30. My religion will not cause teachers to pigeonhole me into certain professions based of the assumed "prowess" of my religious group.

31. I will not have my children taken from me from governmental authorities who are aware of my religious affiliation.

32. Disclosure of my religion to an adoption agency will likely not prevent me from being able to adopt children.

33. If I wish to give my children a parochial religious education, I probably have a variety of options nearby.

34. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence and importance of my religion.

35. I can be sure that when someone in the media is referring to G-d, they are referring to my (Christian) G-d.

36. I can easily find academic courses and institutions that give attention only to people of my religion.

37. My religious holidays are so completely “normal” that, in many ways, they may appear to no longer have any religious significance at all.

38. The elected and unelected officials of my government probably are members of my religious group.

39. When swearing an oath, I am probably making this oath by placing my hand on the scripture of my religion.

40. I can openly display my religious symbol(s) on my person or property without fear of disapproval, violence, and/or vandalism.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and consider how all of those "accepted behaviors" listed above could cause so many rightwingers to hide behind the "family values" flag.

And consider how many people are considered "less than acceptable" because of that list.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Bye Bye, "Blogs For Bush"

Once upon a time, writing a right-wing website called Blogs for Bush must have been easy. But now, when the president has lost the confidence of the American people, alienated even his far-right base over the issue of immigration, shepherded a war in disastrous fashion, and failed to achieve a single significant and lasting domestic policy victory... what to do?

Bail on Bush, of course. Blogs for Bush is changing their name to Blogs for Victory. They're saying that it is in anticipation of Bush's departure from the White House, but let's not miss the PR aspect. Check out this very suspicious correlation:

He announced his decision on the fourth and final day of evidentiary hearings in a case stemming from a confrontation in a Las Vegas hotel room on September 13.

Simpson's two co-defendants, Charles Ehrlich and Clarence Stewart, were also bound over to stand trial.

Ahem.

The Palace Station Casino Hotelhas spared no expense in providing all the amenities that guests need to feel at home. These include a concierge service, currency exchange, daily maid service, FREE valet parking, FREE Shuttle service to The Strip and Airport, children's cribs, wake up calls, round the clock security, elevators, ATMs, and dry cleaning.

Let's break that down:

Concierge Service- When you complain about violent activity in the room next door, will the concierge comp your food?

FREE valet parking- When your armed posse arrives, do they have to tip the valet?

FREE Shuttle service to The Strip and Airport- When O.J. tells you (his gun guy) to "get out of town," can you count on this service?

Children's Cribs- Are they bullet proof?

Elevators- Are they large enough for O.J. and his armed goons?

Seriously, Las Vegas.

What can you do to assure future gamblers and their toddlers that your safety measures are O.J. proof?

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

"CBS News is prepared for the possibility of a writers strike. We will continue to produce quality news programming for our viewers,"CBS said in a statement. A spokeswoman said CBS News would not have any further comment.

Brokeback Bush & The Potemkin Pickup Truck

And how about that grill guard? Is that really necessary when you don't own any cattle?

Grill guards are popular with industrial users because it is easier to purchase a new grill guard than a new grill and radiator. For the rancher, grill guards are a wise investment. Cattle never make a light impression when they accidentally foist themselves into a grill while trying to eat hay that is under a parked truck.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sermon On The Blog: The Enemy Of Mine Enemy In This Phoney "War On Christmas"

Many a war has been won or lost because of alliances forged with strange bedfellows.

The alleged War on Christmas is no exception.

The "faithful" pray for the God of Abraham to smite the infidels (aka "money-grubbing" merchants) --whose non-denominational battle cry is "Happy Holidays"-- and their secular foot soldiers (aka "shoppers") who respond in kind. And the "faithful" also donate generously to those who raise the cross and march into the Godless first-amendment fray. But what of the internal "war" between religious moderates and their extremist brethren?

"But often it's quite appropriate to wish another 'happy holidays' or 'season's greetings.' It's just a matter of good manners and common courtesy. If I am talking to a person whose religious affiliation I do not know, I will employ the more general greeting. And the same goes for merchants who have advertised goods to Americans of many religious traditions who may or may not celebrate Christmas."

After the most recent attempted suicide bombings in Britain, national newspapers carried a full-page advertisement by Muslim organisations condemning the bombings and dissociating themselves from them. What are we supposed to say? “You’re just as bad”? That would be madness. They need our encouragement, and we need their help.

We have problems enough in the world. The threats of climate change, global poverty, war and repression and intolerance can never be countered unless we are prepared to work together on the basis of a shared humanity.

Hm. So atheists and the "I don't give a fat figgy pudding" set are supposed to fight extremists along with those who hate both gays and O'Reilly equally? With those who want judges to control a woman's reproductive system? With those who would call you un-American because you would defend the US Constitution to the death but would deny them their 10 commandments monuments displayed on public property?

Looks like a slippery "we'll deal with you after we've finished dealing with them" slope to me.

Thus endeth today's sermon.

Go forth today and ponder your answer to this all-important question:

At which end should the faithful break their eggs: at the big end or at the little end?

An internal investigation into a fake news conference staged by the Federal Emergency Management Agency during last month's California wildfires found that the agency's press secretary directed aides to pose as reporters, secretly coached them during the briefing and ended the event after a final, scripted question was asked, according to a senior FEMA official.

"Those are career people. They should have stepped up and said something, they really should have. But their bosses said 'Do this,' and they did it -- some reluctantly, but there's no excuses for that," (David) Paulison said. He called the impact on FEMA's credibility "devastating."

Naturally...

The review "found nothing that indicated malicious or preconceived intent to deceive the media or the public," said FEMA's acting director of external affairs, Russ Knocke, who conducted the inquiry.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Ernie Fletcher's "God & Flag" Display Hysterically Inaccurate

The "Star Spangled Banner," according to one framed account, was a rallying cry 33 years before it was written. And the U.S. motto, "In God We Trust," was adopted on two separate days in July 1956.

And this judge is an idiot, too...

A federal judge's Monday ruling allowed the display, saying a previous injunction prohibiting a granite Ten Commandments monument on Capitol grounds did not apply. The new display of framed documents in the Capitol is identical to existing displays in Mercer and Rowan county courthouses.

The biggest idiot of all...

It was donated to the state last month by the Rev. Herschel Walker, pastor of Hopewell Baptist Church in Corbin.

Reached by telephone Wednesday, Walker did not have an immediate response about the inaccuracy. Earlier this week he said the display was meant as a tool for teaching children civic literacy.

Now, those pesky little things called facts:

One plaque, about the national anthem, reads: "Both the new song and the flag became known as 'The Star Spangled Banner' and became a rallying cry for the American patriots during the Revolutionary War."

But Francis Scott Key didn't write "The Star-Spangled Banner" until 1814 after a battle at Maryland's Fort McHenry, and the American Revolution ended in 1781.

And...

A document regarding the adoption of "In God We Trust" as the national motto was also inaccurate, claiming Congress adopted it on both July 20 and July 30, 1956. The latter is correct.

And here's the most hysterical part:

A Fletcher spokeswoman, Jodi Whitaker, said the administration was "not aware of any inaccuracies."

Shoddy research?

You bet.

Chances are, the Baptists who created this hysterical display googled "Star Spangled Banner" and found this:

The STARS AND STRIPES sustained our young nation through its five-year battle for independence. From 1781 to the ratification of our Constitution in 1788, this same flag was the one symbol of unity that bound together political leaders of persuasions so different that their philosophies threatened to be more dangerous to the survival of the Republic than the British armies. The flag embodied both prevailing thoughts on the design of the new country. The distinct representation of individual States by their own star in the field of blue attested to the the individuality of each. The Federalists approach was represented in the fact that these 13 individual states had representation in a single flag, uniting them all.

The Federalists, of course! Stars & Stripes. Star Spangled Banner. They both begin with Star, don't they? What's the difference?

Idiots.

By the way, this guy doesn't appreciate being stuck in the middle of such an embarrassing display...

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

"Critter Sizing" The President

"UM I THINK THAT CRITTER SIZING OUR PRESIDENT, *****OUR****** PRESIDENT, MISTER QUOTE UNQUOTE "BRITISH", MISTER I THINK I KNOW IT ALL!!!!!11 ALL!!!! DURING A TIME OF WAR??? ON TERROR????? I DON'T ***THINK**** SO!!!!! I DON'T ****THINK****** SO!!!!!!! THIS IS A VIOLATION OF THE **PATRIOT ACT**** AND THAT IS A BIG FAT GOTCHA, BRITISH AND LIB SYMPATHIZZER'S! YOU CAN **NOT** SPEAK OURT AGAINST OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF!!! BY LAW!!!! SO PRISON OR DEPORTATION, WHAT IS YOUR QUOTE UNQUOTE "PLEASURE"???????"

Pat Boone Fails & No One Will Claim Involvement With Him

Kentucky:The biggest news of the night was in the Bluegrass State where former Lt. Gov. Steve Beshear (D) crushed Gov. Ernie Fletcher (R) 59 percent to 41 percent. Fletcher had long been seen as a dead man walking politically; ethics problems in his first four years in office had badly hamstrung his reelection chances. Beshear restores Democratic control to the Kentucky governorship, an office that the party has held for all but four years since 1967. Elsewhere on the ballot, state Auditor Crit Luallen (D) was reelected with 59 percent, a margin sure to stoke speculation of a challenge to Sen. Mitch McConnell (R) in 2008.

And in Virginia...

Virginia: Republicans appear to have lost control of the state Senate, as at least three Republican incumbents and a GOP-held open seat have gone to Democrats. The race we were watching most closely -- the 34th district battle between state Sen. Jeannemarie Devolites Davis (R) and Chap Peterson (D) -- turned into a rout, with the Democrat unseating the incumbent 56 percent to 44 percent. Democrats' gains are yet more evidence of the rapidly shifting demographics in the Commonwealth. Sen. Mark Warner (D) anyone?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Can Pat Boone Save Ernie Fletcher?

Disclaimer: At age 5, my first TV celeb crush was... yep, you guessed it... Pat Boone, the star of The Pat Boone-Chevy Showroom. Later down the road, I completely forgot about Pat Boone until that whole baptizing people in swimming pools deal. That embarrassing episode soured my opinion of Boone forever.

Imagine my lack of surprise to read that Pat Boone has recorded a robo-call election message, in a last-minute effort to persuade today's Kentucky voters not to embrace a "San Francisco" future for the state.

You know about Republican codespeak, right?

San Francisco- gay

New York- Jew

Diversity- black, brown & yellow people want rights (How dare they?)

But I digress...

Going into the home stretch in in the Kentucky gubernatorial election, the Republicans appear to have brought out one last card: Paranoia against gays.

The state GOP is now sending a robo-call throughout the state featuring none other than Pat Boone, warning that as a Christian he is concerned that Democratic nominee Steve Beshear, who has been way ahead in the polls, will work for "every homosexual cause."

"Now do you want a governor who'd like Kentucky to be another San Francisco?" Boone asks. "Please re-elect Ernie Fletcher."

And at a campaign stop last night, the Lexington Herald-Leader reports, the Republican nominee for Lt. Governor made a direct attack upon the Democratic ticket: "Do you want a couple of San Francisco treats or do you want a governor?"

Another clue for the clueless: Who's remembered and celebrated on this day? The torturers or the tortured?

Remember Remember the 5th of November,The Gunpowder Treason and plot.I see no reason why gunpowder treason,Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, twas his intent,To blow up the King and parliament,Three score barrels were laid below,To prove old Englands' overthrowBy Gods mercy he was catched,With a dark lantern and a lighted match!

Saturday, November 03, 2007

FOX "News" Nutbag: Barbara Eden Ruined Halloween!"

“Here’s the problem, though. In 1970 or ‘68, Barbara Eden lowered the bar by wearing that sexy outfit, traumatized me as a child, and then every kid wore the Barbara Eden outfit…”

Gee, you couldn't even see her naval.

If this is a "slut," who "traumatized" him as a child...

Then Brian Kilmeade (that FOX nutbag) is way too susceptible to be allowed out without a leash.

Obviously, he was "traumatized" by the idea that a woman (especially a fictional one with magical powers) could control him. Since Kilmeade wasn't even born until 1964, the costume had absolutely nothing to do with his fear of Jeannie... until he hit puberty, that is.

Curve Ball is an Iraqi defector named Rafid Ahmed Alwan, who arrived at a German refugee center in 1999. To bolster his asylum case and increase his importance, he told officials he was a star chemical engineer who had been in charge of a facility at Djerf al Nadaf that was making mobile biological weapons.

60 Minutes has learned that Alwan’s university records indicate he did study chemical engineering but earned nearly all low marks, mostly 50s. Simon’s investigation also uncovered an arrest warrant for theft from the Babel television production company in Baghdad where he once worked.

The sickest, most twisted part of this whole bloody mess?

Why did he do it?

"It was a guy trying to get his green card essentially, in Germany, and playing the system for what it was worth," says (CIA Senior Official, Tyler) Drumheller.

A spokesman for the state Republican Party said Curtis’s political career was over, but discounted any long-term political effect for other party members. Curtis’ decision to resign stands in contrast to that of U.S. Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho, who announced plans to resign then changed his mind as he tries to withdraw a conviction for soliciting sex in an airport restroom, Josh Kahn said.

My favorite part...

“It’s not going to be in the public mind for long,” Kahn said. The Craig situation is “a textbook case of the thing you don’t do, you don’t drag it out.”

And just how do GOP leaders plan to control the public mind?

Sorry, GOPers!

It's too late for you to control anything or anyone. Looks like you've finally reached hypocritical mass.

When you start losing your loony "values voters" (who are actually just like everyone else, except for their own personal hypocritical crap), you're really in the weeds, aren't you?

You've trained them to react in swift Pavlovian style to any and all accusations of gay behavior, and now you're reaping the rewards of that vile, hateful reaction response. To which I say...

The Koufaxes (or "the Sandies") are like the SAG or Golden Globe awards, while the Webbies are comparable to the Oscars. Getting a Koufax denotes being a class act while getting a Webbie, while certainly an honor, takes a little more politickin' than most of the celler-dwelling idealists who blogviate are up for.From The Official Koufax Award site...

The Koufax Awards are intended to help forge a sense of community among bloggers and their readership. We hope to make introductions of bloggers to each other and to readers. We also hope to create a sense that we all live in the same virtual neighborhood and that it is a very nice neighborhood indeed.

A Scrivener's Lament is officially your go-to scrivener for the next big electoral college showdown. In this case Scrivener Delilah Boyd is keeping an eye on the Electoral College of Cardinals, who Scriv thinks may at any moment be called upon to fly off to Rome (that's as in fly by airplane; only nuns can fly for real) and pick a new pope.
But his Holiness is doing better, you must be thinking. Well, the Scriv ain't so sure and even has actual photographs (you'll have to scroll down a bit) of the Holy Father getting viciously attacked by (assumes Scriv) the Lord's messengers of vengeance - apparently to the delight of little children.
Anyhoo, the Lament has been keeping files on top candidates for the next Bishop of Rome so that when the sad day comes, you'll know where to turn for all the horserace action. I mention this only because A Scrivener's Lament has been nominated for a Sandy Award in the Most Humorous Blog category.
At A Scrivener's Lament, Delilah Boyd offers a little sigh over the sudden announcement that the Bushies aren't gonna look for WMDs in Iraq anymore. Then the Scrivener offers a useful list of quotes from the administration hornswaggling the country - oops, I mean being sadly misled by the entire intelligence community - about the possibility of weapons stockpiles in Iraq. Maybe Delilah needs to offer to do some volunteer archiving for large media networks. Apparently NBC, CBS, & ABC's news operations are too cash strapped to afford to hire researchers to dig up obscure, unknown quotes likes these for when the yellowcake hits the fan (or in this case fails to).

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free
to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows
up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a
special announcement at the Party.

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The
same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There
will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have
other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I
supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since
the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management
believes $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil
doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other, but Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men: each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed unless the Supreme Court intervenes before the 23rd.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the
food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss
anything?!?!?!?!?!

Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it; you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the
scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drink, drive and die, Jesus-hating Scum!

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy
recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and,
instead, give everyone the afternoon of December 23rd off with full pay.

Scrivener Humor

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves...
...underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."