I Will Use The Slater vs. Irons Pipeline Showdown As A Distraction

Hale’iwa, Hawai’i–I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, because there’s a chance you’ll see the brilliance in it and imitate me, but I won’t be in attendance at the Pipe Masters … I’ll be surfing. It’s not that I don’t believe in the WCT, that I don’t understand the significance of a showdown between Kelly and Andy, or that I don’t like watching the best surfing in the world–I know I’ll be missing out. But think about it for a second: Every surfer of every skill level, every gnarly local, every photographer, and every industry head to ever stubble down the aisles of the ASR Trade Expo will be sitting on the beach at Pipe, spectating. Keep paying attention, this is the important part: Now, with everyone in Hawaii sitting on the dry sand, that means the perpetually overcrowded lineups at Sunset, Velzyland, Haleiwa, Ehukai, Pupukea, and Rocky Point will be at their lowest volume in a decade, and thus, mediocre surfers like me might actually have priority when a perfect six-foot bomb rolls in at Sunset, or maybe I’ll just be catching every single fun little wedge that comes in at Freddylands. It’ll be like surfing on Christmas morning, when everyone’s unwrapping the sweater from Grandma, or surfing at 4:00 p.m. on Super Bowl Sunday, when 98 percent of all men are yelling at the TV. The North Shore will be my oyster. And just know in advance that if I paddle out and see you in the lineup, I’m have to make you to go in … or else, Kook. I’ll have to make hay while the proverbial sun shines. Enjoy the comp, SUCKERS!