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P&J Column 26.11.15

How can Scotland beat obesity? Pass me a yum-yum and I’ll tell you.

Tanya Souter, Lifestyle Correspondent

I see the Scottish Government’s been getting flak over the country’s obesity crisis, wi’ the boffins saying that little progress his been made since 2008. Weel, there’s been some progress. We’ve swapped Alex Salmond for Nicola Sturgeon, that must have brought the average doon a bittie. Mind you, I da think the boffins is as brainy as they likes to think they is – is the best time to be pittin’ oot public health info aboot watching yer weight really the same wik Iceland’s Christmas advert hits the telly? Apparently, over two-thirds of adult Scots is ower-weight! I da ken aboot you but I find that figure really disturbing – but nae quite as disturbing as the een I see wobblin back at me fan I look in the mirror, although in a wye it’s fine to ken that those of us that’s cerryin’ a bittie timber is in good company!

Mind you, my weight’s getting beyond a joke noo. I used to say, ‘yer nae really fat if you can still see yer feet’. But efter a couple of bad months, I’ve hid to change that to ‘if onyb’dy can see yer feet’. I blame the climate. I often buy lettuce and cucumber and aa that keigh wi’ the very best o’ intentions, only to see a dreich, dreary day and decide to cheer myself up wi fit my pal Big Sonya cries a “sauté potato salad wi’ sea sa’t an balsamic dressing”. And twa battered sausages.

Mind you, the maist worrying bit in that story wiz the news that one in six kids is at risk o’ obesity. I found that really shocking. so, I did fit I awyse dae fan I get upset. I got wired into a box o’ Tunnocks tea cakes.

Hector Schlenk, Senior Research Fellow, Bogton Institute of Public Engagement with Science

As a scientist, I am forever being asked questions. Questions like, “Did climate change cause the drought in Syria that led large numbers of farmers to lose their livelihoods, turning them into insurgents?” “Are there now strands of malaria that are drug-resistant?”, and “Is Nicole Kidman’s on-stage portrayal of pioneering female scientist Barbara Franklin accurate?” To which I can only answer, “Regrettably, yes”; “regrettably, yes” and “I believe so”; I only managed to see the play 16 times before they took out that restraining order.

This week, I have been being asked about Pintosh and Babysha, the two iguanas from Aberdeen that have had an epic falling out and are currently with the SSPCA in Drumoak, awaiting rehousing. Sadly, it is not uncommon for scaly, reptilian creatures cooped up in unnatural conditions to develop an aversion to each other. If you don’t believe me, just watch Tony Hadley and Lady Colin Campbell on I’m a Celebrity.

Cava Kenny Cordiner, the football pundit who never calls it ‘soccer’

I could not believe it when I seen that Celtic and Dundee is trying to arrange a league match in America next season! Well, old Kenny is dead against it. You might say that I’m just an old sick in the mud, but I think the only flag flying at a Scottish Premier League football match should be the Saltire, not the Star-Bangled Spanner.

And what about the fans? I’m not sure if they is going to cry it a home game for Celtic or Dundee, but somebody’s season ticket is going to be a fixture short. One of my old Brechin team-mates, Stamper Stevenson, is a Celtic fan and he leaves no scone upturned trying to go to every match. He once caught 3 trains, a tram and 2 taxis to travel to a friendly against Bolton. Imagine what he’ll need to do to get to Boston?! The mind bobbles.

It won’t be great for the players either, because travelling long distances before a match always leaves you feeling bread on your feet. I mind one time when I was playing for the Dandies we had an away trip to Stranraer for a cup match. It was a hell of a journey, and by the time we finally got there old Kenny was struggling with a nagging neck strain – mainly because I was playing 3-card brag with Doug Rougvie and Stewart Kennedy in the seats behind me. Our bus left Pittodrie at 7 in the morning for a 3 o’clock kick off that day. What time would we of needed to set off to get to America for that time? Mental.