Whoa! You posted the next chapter!So, no one knows who Whenua is? Depressing, actually. Must be because of his infamous "'Cause that's what friends are for" line... There's not much plot going on in here, mostly just literal air mail. Even THAT'S getting a tad bit repetitive. Try to decrease its use, if you can.

0

It's the city of New New York! Strictly speaking, it's the fifteenth New York since the original, so that makes it New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New New York

Whoa! You posted the next chapter!So, no one knows who Whenua is? Depressing, actually. Must be because of his infamous "'Cause that's what friends are for" line... There's not much plot going on in here, mostly just literal air mail. Even THAT'S getting a tad bit repetitive. Try to decrease its use, if you can.

Whoa! You posted the next chapter!So, no one knows who Whenua is? Depressing, actually. Must be because of his infamous "'Cause that's what friends are for" line... There's not much plot going on in here, mostly just literal air mail. Even THAT'S getting a tad bit repetitive. Try to decrease its use, if you can.

Oh, please. I think that is a running gag.

Yeah, but the problem with Running Gags is that if you use them TOO repeatedly, people get bored of it. Only use it every once in a while, not multiple times in a single chapter. That way, the chapter doesn't seem too repetitive and the joke won't look so forced.I'm not telling you how to live your life or anything, by the way. Carry on with what you do best.

0

It's the city of New New York! Strictly speaking, it's the fifteenth New York since the original, so that makes it New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New-New New York

Guys, guys, no need to start a flame war here. I appreciate both of your comments but we don't need to escalate this any further.

@Festus: Yes, I realize that the Literal Air Mail gag is getting a bit predictable; heck, even the Caption Writing Guy doesn't bother to write out a caption for it anymore. Since right now I'm still rewriting old chapters, I can't exactly change much other than general wording and adding new scenes for new questions. Although I do try to mix up the Literal Mail a bit, what with the Literal Emoticon Mail, Protodermis Mail, etc. And it really is just Matau's favorite method of revenge!

@fishers64: I'm glad you enjoy the comedy and its jokes. Expect more from Matau, right now!

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 14: Whenua Arrives

HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau! where Matau answers--

Lewa0111's Computer: You've got Literal Air Mail!

Uh-oh...AAAAAAHHH!!

Matau: Much better. I don't care if you are the author, nobody steals my intro! HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and mail calling me ugly) and I (and Nokama) answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, activate--

Vohtarak: Come on...come on...NOOOOOOOO!!

Keelerak:

Vohtarak: What? These kohlii games are tough! I can't beat Onu-Koro for the life of me!

Matau: Well, stop. I need the computer to do my show, as usual.

Vohtarak: No way!

Matau: Just stop already, will you?

Vohtarak: Yes!

Matau: ...Really?

Vohtarak: Yes, I finally scored on them! Now the game is tied!

Matau: *sighs* I knew it was too good to be true.

Vohtarak: No it wasn't! I'm really scoring, see? Now I'm winning!

*Keelerak slaps his forehead*

Matau: Hey, wait, slapping? That gives me an idea! Hey Vohtarak, what do I think of Nokama?

Vohtarak: She's a hottie, why?

*Nokama wanders in just in time to hear Vohtarak's comment, and slaps him so hard he goes flying into the other room*

Everyone but Vohtarak: THANK YOU!

Matau: I knew it would work! My idea is awesome!

Nokama: What idea? ...Never mind. Anyway, Matau, I just wanted to let you know that--

Matau: --You've finally come to realize your unrelenting love for me?

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau:

Nokama: No, you moron, I wanted to let you know that I finally found Whenua!

Nokama: Guess where he was? I found him in the Archives, still working even though he was a Toa. Apparently he did get turned into a Toa like the rest of us, but was so busy archiving that he just didn't notice and went on doing the same old stuff. The only difference was that random piles of dirt materialized wherever he was working.

Matau: Huh, weird. Well, I guess he can't be any worse than Nuju, Onewa, or Vakama...

Nokama: He'll be coming to stay with us later in this chapter. Just thought I'd let you know.

*A blue potato jumps through the air, lands on the carrot, and starts tap dancing*

Gali1000: That was for last chapter!

Everyone else:

*The potato turns into French fries, which a fish eats*

Lewa0111: And THAT was for this chapter!

Everyone else: :doubleblink:

Nokama: This contest is getting really weird. Matau, how about you just start your show for real?

Matau: Sure thing! Computer, how many messages for me today?

Computer: You have 87,620,983,749,850,876,329,087,287,340,y02,835,602,863,952,783,465 new messages.

Matau: What? But Eddie deleted all the spam! You mean I still have that many?

Computer: No, you never activated Eddie. Remember, Vohtarak distracted you before you could say it!

How does Macku feel about not being able to date Hewkii because he turned into a Toa and is rushing towards his doom?

Your local newbie,

zAAgNapper50

Matau: Huh? Who's Macku? Who's Hewkii? Why is he a Toa? Why do I care? Why am I asking so many stupid questions?

Nokama: I don't know either, but I think Macku and Hewkii are characters in one of Lewa0111's other comedies.

Matau: Whatever. NEXT!

Computer: Next message.

Matau,

From You-Know-Who! (Not Voldemort, the other one)

Matau: I am really getting sick of this guy. Eddie, do your stuff.

Eddie:

Matau: Next question time!

Dear Matau I love sending you questions!

Can you tell a joke that has something to do with vakama now? (I know you have a ton of them you told me)

Matau: Hey, this question's awesome! I love telling Vakama jokes! I love this question so much I won't even bother criticizing you for saying my name is "Matau I Love Sending You Questions." I have so many to choose from...oh, here's a good classic joke! How many Vakamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Oohnorak: I don't know, how many?

Matau: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and another to blame himself for the old one breaking!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Long hiatus, I know. Sorry 'bout it. It unfortunately was an even longer hiatus in Ask Matau! than for the others because I was waiting to receive questions, but none were sent in. So this chapter will be shorter than usual since I will only be able to use the questions from the original chapter.

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 15: Catfight?

Eddie:

Matau: Umm...okay then...

Eddie:

Matau: HELLO, BZ-

Eddie:

Matau: Not BZ-Sunglasses, I said HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask--

Eddie:

Matau: No, this isn't Ask Sunglasses! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me--

Eddie:

Matau: NO! NOBODY IS SENDING ME SUNGLASSES! Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and mail calling me ugly) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua) answer them in hilarious--

Eddie:

Matau: NOT! HILARIOUS! SUNGLASSES! That's it, Eddie, you're fired.

Eddie:

Matau: Why won't anyone ever learn that it's a very bad idea to mess with my intro? Whatever. Now that Eddie's gone, I can say it properly! HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and mail calling me ugly) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua) answer them in hilarious ways!

Vohtarak: Oh, come on! Why do you have to start your show now, Matau?

Matau: Because I do. I don't see why you're complaining considering you've had two months to play that stupid game...

Vohtarak: Yeah, two months of me still trying to beat Le-Koro in kohlii. And I still haven't won!

Matau: Figures.

Whenua: What's he doing?

Matau: I told you Vohtarak was obsessed with BIONICLE games. He's been playing MNOG2 for ages now.

Whenua: Oh, I see.

Vohtarak: I'm not getting off ever!

Matau: Yes, you are. I have to use the computer for my show. Do you want me to call Keelerak?

Vohtarak: Ha! What can he do?

Matau: KEELERAK!

*Keelerak runs in, sees Vohtarak, and wraps him up like a mummy in webbing*

Vohtarak: MMPH!

Matau: Thanks.

Keelerak: Any time!

Whenua: Well, this has been quite the interesting start to the chapter. Is it always this crazy around here?

Matau: Actually, this is rather mild compared to most chapters--

*Roporak runs through the living room*

Roporak: WOOHOO! CHEESE!!

*Whenua gets drenched in cheese*

Matau: Ah. Now it's a normal chapter. Whatever, let's just start the show.

*Matau sits down at the computer*

Matau: Computer, how many messages today?

Computer: You have 29,876,081,695,370,457,608,127,608,268,167,936,485,619,764,807,364,879,872,693,756 new messages.

Matau: $&*@#& Spam! Eddie, I thought you were supposed to delete all of the spam!

Matau: *sighs* Delete all messages from emoticon villains, Onewa hate mail, and other junk that I don't want to read.

Computer: BRAAMP! You have 4 new messages.

Matau: Huh, not too many messages today. Oh well! Display the first message.

gimme 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000wigets or die from John Torque

Whenua: Huh. Weird, who does this guy think he is? Do you owe him money or something?

Matau: Never heard of him before in my life, and I definitely don't owe him money. I really hate threat mail. Literal Air Mail time!

Whenua: Hang on a second. Can I be the one to send him revenge? I want to try out Literal Dirt Mail!

Matau: But we don't have Literal Dirt Mail installed yet. I only bought the Air edition of Literal Elements Plus when I started this show. I think you can pick up a product key for Literal Dirt Mail over at Computers 'R' Us, though.

Whenua: Okay! I'll be back later!

*Whenua leaves to go to Computers 'R' Us*

Matau: *shrugs* Well, I guess we'll hold off on the revenge time for now, then. Next question, computer!

Hey Matty! Wanna go to the Piston Cup for a date with your hottie Nokama? I won three tickets for it and I wanted to share 2 of them for the both of you! ^.^ Look for a Matoran Toa many colors on her. Bye now!

The LilRainbow Toa,

Serasha

Matau: MY NAME IS NOT MATTY IT IS MATAU YOU LITTLE--hey, wait a second! A date? Awesome, that's the best thing that ever happened to me! I totally accept, I can't wait for this date with--

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: Oh, hi, Matau, I was just stopping by to see...

*Nokama glances at the computer screen*

Nokama: EXCUSE ME? Are you seriously going to go on a date with this "Serasha?" That does it! Literal Water Mail time for her!

Matau: No, you've got it all wrong! She was offering the date for me and you, not me and her!

Keelerak: I think Nokama isn't listening.

*At Serasha's house*

Serasha's Computer: You've got mail!

Serasha: Mail, cool! Let's open it.

Serasha,

Thank you SO much for asking Matau out on a date, because I am absolutely totally not jealous at all in the slightest! Nope! No way!

As a token of my appreciation, I have attached something pretty. Open it right away!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

@Kapurkar: It wasn't that I needed it for the last chapter specifically: in the originals, there was a TNI/Ask Matau! crossover saga for certain chapters. So I'm trying to make the chapters line up in the new version, as well.

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 16: Emoticon Wars

*Matau and Whenua walk downstairs*

Matau: Okay, Vohtarak, get off the computer! It's time for my show!

*crickets chirping*

Matau: Vohtarak?

*crickets chirping*

Matau: Be quiet, you stupid crickets!

*crickets chirping*

Matau: That's it!

*The crickets start chirping again, but are interrupted by Matau pulling out a Cordak blaster and blasting them*

Matau: Ah, much better. Now, I'll only say this once more: Vohtarak, get off the computer!

*crickets chirping*

Matau: INVINCIBLE CRICKETS!! AAAAAAAAAH!

Keelerak: Matau, for your information, Vohtarak isn't on the computer. He's over there.

Matau: Wha--really?

Whenua: Looks like it.

*They glance over to see Vohtarak screaming, trapped in a prison with 100 computers, all of which have horribly slow internet access, while trying and failing to load MNOG 2

*Vohtarak: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Avak: Hahaha! You will never escape this prison, designed specifically to trap Vohtarak!

Matau: What's he doing here?

Avak: I felt like coming. So here I am!

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: [But you're not even in the right storyline! Matau's still a Toa, so you don't belong here for another millennium or so!]

Avak: So what? This is a comedy by Lewa0111! He laughs in the face of canon!

Matau: He does have a point there...but still, I need to start this show, so get away!

Avak: Okay, fine. This was starting to get boring anyway. Bye now!

*Avak leaves, and the prison vanishes*

Vohtarak: That was the scariest thing I have ever seen. I think I am scarred for life...

*Vohtarak faints*

Whenua: That was random even for you, Matau.

Matau: I have to agree. Oh well, now that there are no more crazy Piraka appearing in my house for no discernible reason, let's start the show!

Whenua: Good idea.

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua) answer them in hilarious ways!

Matau: Weird, that's a lot of messages. Oh well, display the first message.

Computer: First message!

!

(Translation: Mwahahaha! Fear the wrath of Bob the--)

(Translation: Get out of here, this is my computer!)

(Translation: Shut up.)

(Translation: FIGHT!)

Everyone:

Matau: ...Well, that was the weirdest message I have ever seen.

Whenua: At least this explains all those messages you have!

Matau: Good point. Computer, delete all messages involving emoticon villains arguing in a very weird manner.

Computer: BRAAMP! Deleted! You have 4 new messages.

Matau?

I'm going to turn you into a Turaga, so Ha!

Also, your literal Air Mail won't work on me, so double Ha!

from someone with no name.

Keelerak: What's with the question mark?

Matau: Who cares? He's going to turn me into a Turaga! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Literal Air Mail time!

*At Someone With No Name (SWNN)'s house...*

SWWN's Computer: You've got mail!

SWNN: Yay, mail! ...Wait a second, this must be Literal Air Mail! Activating shield now!

--BZZT!--Blocked by reteleD mapS eht eiddE )B--BZZT!--

*Back at Matau's house*

Matau: Hey, it is fair and just!

Keelerak:

Matau: What's so funny? *looks at his earlier line* HEY!

Keelerak: Gotta love word filters!

Whenua: What about that Turaga beam?

Matau: Oh yeah, forgot about that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

*A Turagafication beam lances out of the computer screen, but luckily Matau ducks just in time. It misses and hits Makuta Teridax instead, who had randomly walked in at that moment*

Turaga Makuta (aka TM): MWAHAHAHA! Now I shall destroy you two Toa, as revenge for trapping me in protodermis for a whole movie! Face the wrath of my shadow--hey, why is everything so huge? Or did I shrink?

Keelerak: I think you shrunk.

TM: Wait, am I a Turaga? HOW DARE ANYONE DO THIS TO THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MAKUTA TERIDAX? WHO DID THIS!?!?!?!?

*Pohatu appears*

Pohatu: By the way, I love--

Matau: Old joke, wrong comedy, not funny.

*Matau shoves Pohatu through a time-comedy warp vortex back to The Nuva Inn*

Whenua: Makuta, it wasn't us. It was someone with no name.

TM: DON'T LIE TO ME, YOU PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A TOA!

Whenua: It's true...

Keelerak: Yeah! Just read this message!

*Turaga Makuta reads the message on Matau's computer*

TM: How dare he? We'll see if his shield can protect against my Literal Shadow Mail, even in Turaga form!

*Back at SWNN's house*

SWNN's computer: You've got mail!

SWNN: Must be more literal mail. Activate the shield!

Makuta's Voice: Your shield is no match for me!

*A shadow hand explodes out of the computer and grabs SWNN into a vortex*

SWNN: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

*Back at Matau's house*

TM: That was most satisfying. Now I'm going back to my evil lair to get my Rahkshi of Un-Turagafication to return me to my original form.

*Turaga Makuta leaves*

Oohnorak: There's a Rahkshi of Un-Turagafication? That's an oddly specific power...I'll have to remember that in case I ever get turned into a Turaga so that I can go back to being my awesome self!

Keelerak: How would a Visorak even turn into a Turaga in the first place? What would that even look like?

Boggarak: My guess is a very old, very decrepit spider holding a walking stick.

Keelerak: Whoa. Where'd you come from? You were gone for a whole chapter!

Boggarak: Not my fault Lewa0111 somehow completely forgot I exist.

Lewa0111:

Matau: Remind me again why the chapter is focusing on the Visorak and not on me?

Oohnorak: Because I'm way more awesome than you are!

Matau: No you're not.

*Matau blasts Oohnorak into the kitchen using his air powers, where he is very quickly drenched in cheese*

Roporak: Oohnorak! You look much more delicious now...I'm hungry!

*Roporak starts chasing Oohnorak throughout the house trying to eat him*

Matau: See? Told you so! Next question, computer.

Dear Matau,

What do you think happened to the matoran after the battle with the morbuhzak? Ahkmou was the only known one to appear in the story line after but dissapeared after the comet ball inccident.

Matau: Wow, an actual real question. Haven't seen one of those in a while.

Whenua: To be honest, I was wondering the same thing, come to think of it. What did happen to all of those Matoran?

Matau: What, you never heard? Oh, right, you were in the Archives the whole time.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: [But if he was in the Archives during the whole story arc, then how could he have known about the Matoran...oh, never mind.]

Boggarak: This comedy doesn't make sense. Don't even try.

Matau: Can we get back to the actual question? Let me think...oh, right, I remember! Nuhrii ate himself because he was made of cheese...much like Roporak is trying to do to Oohnorak right now, in fact. Tehutti accidentally got himself trapped in an Archive exhibit.

Whenua: That explains why we suddenly had an Onu-Matoran exhibit one day when there wasn't one before...

Matau: Umm, right, okay. Vhisola went on a date with me later on, but then she and Nokama ended up learning how to Double Slap me, which they later taught to a bunch of Pokemon as a move. Ehrye practiced being a Ko-Matoran by saying "...". Orkahm showed up here in the first chapter of the comedy and hasn't done much else except for the occasional cameo appearance.

Orkahm: Hi there!

Matau: You have such great timing, don't you?

Orkahm: Really?

Matau: No.

Orkahm: Bye!

Whenua: That was bizarre.

Matau: No kidding. Anyway, that's all the Matoran, except for Ahkmou, and you all know what happened to him anyway. Next question, computer!

Hey Matau,

If you were forced to change your name, what would you change it to?

Your first ex-girlfriend.

Matau: Huh, looks like Vhisola sent me a question...right after we finished talking about her, weird. Anyway, I'd change my name to the coolest, most awesome, and absolutely FANTASTIC name in the world: "Matau!"

Whenua: But your name's already Matau!

Matau: So? The question just says I'm forced to change my name. It doesn't say anything about changing it to something different from what I already have!

Whenua: But isn't it implied?

Matau: Fine. If I had to change it to something other than Matau, I would change it to "TotallyAwesomeAndSmartAndDashinglyHandsomeToaHeroOfAir!"

Boggarak: Why am I not surprised?

Matau: Next question!

Dear Matau,

Are you secretly a Toa of Plant Control because the Witness Protection Program relocated you after you put a Barraki in prison?

Signed, unamed Toa from Gallifrey.

PS: Does Onewa still have the 'fro he had in his college days?

Matau: This question makes no sense. I'm not a Kraata!

Keelerak: But it's asking if you're a Toa of Plant Control, not a Kraata.

Matau: I know. But there's no such thing as a Toa of Plant Control! The closest would be Toa of The Green, or Kraata of Plant Control. And I am neither. Also, what's a Barraki and why would I want to put one in prison? Unless it's like broccoli...

Whenua: No idea. But are you a Toa of The Green?

Matau: No, I'm not! I'm a Toa of Air, as the numerous times I've used my awesome powers in this comedy have proven.

Boggarak: But you never actually use your powers, just that silly overused Literal Air Mail program.

Matau: I used them today to blow Oohnorak into the kitchen...

Boggarak: Touche.

Matau: As for the P.S....no, unfortunately, he doesn't. I wish he did, though, because it would make it easier to make fun of him! He looked HILARIOUS back then! Also, he had an uncanny desire to spontaneously disco at random times.

Whenua: Can we see a picture flashback? I'd love to see a picture of him!

Matau: I would, so that we can all laugh at him, but Lewa0111 is terrible at Photoshop. So, no, we can't.

Whenua and All Visorak: Aww...

*Wile E. Coyote steals the anvil, then throws it at a random water bottle that appeared out of nowhere, while a penguin starts shouting nonsense words in the background*

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

...I need to go back now and see when exactly Whenua entered the picture.I think you missed a random event back there somewhere. Or maybe not.I'm pretty sure Matau would know if he's in the WPP. Just saying.

@Kapurkar: Whenua showed up in Chapter 14, due to a new question sent in during the previous chapter. And the random event happened at the end of the chapter, with Wile E. Coyote stealing the anvil.

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 17: I Can't Think Of A Good Title For This Chapter

Boggarak: And now it looks like our author's too lazy to even come up with a title for the chapter. Figures.

Keelerak: It could be worse. At least he's updating regularly again.

Boggarak: I give it a week before we get stuck with another month-long hiatus.

Keelerak: Fine, I bet you ten widgets.

Boggarak: You're on.

*Vohtarak smashes his front leg on the computer desk*

Vohtarak: That's it! I am sick of this game!

Matau: Already? Wow, and here I thought I was going to have to force you to get off the computer again.

Vohtarak: Well, I give up for now. Ko-Koro is impossible to beat in kohlii!

Matau: That's awesome!

Vohtarak: No it's not, it's awful. I can't seem to win!

Matau: Well, it's awesome for me, because it means I get to do my show again. And no one cares about what's awesome for anyone besides me!

Oohnorak: I'm way more awesome than you!

Matau: ...Yeah, okay, but you're the only one who thinks that.

Boggarak: For once, Matau, you're right about something.

Matau: Yeah! ...Wait, what?

Keelerak: Whatever. Let's just start the show, why don't we?

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua) answer them in hilarious ways!

Computer: Matau, you currently have 823,433,138,573,010 new messages.

Matau: Activate Eddie the Spam Deleter.

Eddie:

Computer: You have 1,500 new messages.

Matau: Delete all hate mail from Onewa, all emoticon villains arguing, and any messages from Roporak that say nothing but "Cheese."

Computer: BRAAMP! You have 7 new messages.

Matau: Awesome, lots of questions for me today! Display the first message, computer!

Dear Matau,

Did you care hen Vakama Betrayed you in WoS?

Cheddar Nuva.

Matau: "Hen?"

Keelerak: I'm pretty sure he meant "when."

Matau: Oh, I get it. Well, to answer the question, of course I cared! In fact, I thought it was very considerate of Vakama to turn evil, since not only did he helpfully annoy Roodaka to death for us, but he also gave me a chance to show off my totally awesome kung fu skills in Web of Shadows! Didn't you all love that part?

Oohnorak: Matau, that scene was only like ten seconds long.

Matau: Yeah, so?

Oohnorak: And you got knocked off a cliff.

*Nokama walks in*

Nokama: I don't see your point...you appeared for a split second at the edge of a screen during that final battle and didn't even do anything.

Oohnorak: ...

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: [Translation: That's my line!]

Matau: See? My point is that Vakama turning evil let me show off how completely awesome, irresistible, and incredibly handsome I am, so that was very nice of him to turn evil! After that, there was no way Nokama could ever have refused a date with--

Nokama: I'm right here, you know...

*SLAP!*

Matau: Ouch...next...question...

To Matau:

Which would you want Tahu to burn?

The person with no name

Matau: Easy. Vakama. As great as it was that he turned evil in WoS, ever since then, he's been saying "It's all my fault" non-stop. It's really annoying, but if Tahu burned him, he'd probably stop saying it!

Whenua: Oh, hi, Nokama. I heard Vakama annoying everyone with his usual phrase and I was going to tell him to shut up. But it looks like he's already gone.

Matau: Yeah. That's why I said I wanted Tahu to burn him.

Whenua: Since he's a Toa of Fire, wouldn't burning Vakama not do anything, though?

Nokama: Good point.

Matau: Well, then I'd have Tahu burn Onewa instead!

Nokama: You are so predictable.

Matau: Hey Whenua, want to help me answer more questions? I'm in the middle of a show right now.

Whenua: Sure!

Matau: Okay, computer, next question.

Dear Matau,

What did you like best and least about being a Hordika?

Toa of Randomness and Pie

P.S. Bob the Pirate is coming for YOU!

P.S.S. Velika wanted me to tell you this: Potatoes and chickens can be inside the fiery ice of monkeyland.

P.S.S.S. Hi.

Whenua: Ooh, that's a lot of P.S.'s! Cool!

Matau: Okay, let's see here. Best: I got to fly on a Rhotuka spinner! That was the most awesome ride ever. When Matauland gets built, I'll be sure to make that a permanent part of the park!

Whenua, Nokama, and All Visorak: Matauland?

Matau: Yep! It's my own personal theme park, named after me! I plan to have it built as soon as I get enough money.

Nokama: Matauland? Really?

Matau: That's right! And then if it's really successful, I'm going to build another one: Matauworld! And then maybe EuroMatau after that...

Whenua: Figures.

Nokama: He never changes. Just answer the rest of the question, already!

Matau: Fine. Well, the worst part about being a Hordika was being ugly. I hated that, since it meant that my charm didn't work!

Nokama: Your so-called "charm" doesn't even exist.

Matau: Ouch, that hurts. What about you, Whenua?

Whenua: My favorite part about being a Hordika was my drill hand. It was fun getting to smash up giant boulders with that thing! The worst was being stuck in that Visorak cocoon. I'm afraid of heights...

Nokama: My favorite part was going swimming and getting to become one with the Rahi of the sea. Worst part was having to endure even more unsuccessful flirting from Matau.

Matau: I totally agree with you, Nokama! Even though I have no idea what you just said!

Nokama:

Matau: What's so funny?

Nokama: Nothing...Just answer the P.S.'s!

Matau: Okay, let's see here. 1) I'd be a lot more shocked if you said he wasn't coming for me. 2) Umm...who's Velika? And is he crazy or something? Must have swallowed a Lewa0111 randomness ray in his sleep... 3) Hi to you too. NEXT!

Matau,

Are you looking for direction, dessert, and obsession in your life? Then we invite you to join the First Metru Nui Church of Pieism! Come to celebrate the glory that is Blueberry Pie, and sing our anthem: "Pie Pi!" We hope to see you here! The pledge cost is 3.14 widgets.

PIE!!

From Tava

Matau: How did this obvious spam get past Eddie? Weird. I really hope this isn't about to kick-start a crazy crossover with another Lewa0111 comedy that involves a very complicated, multi-part quest or anything...

Boggarak: Knowing Lewa0111, you probably just jinxed it.

Matau: Either way, I'm not about to start worshipping pie. LITERAL AIR MAIL--

Whenua: Wait, can I try out Literal Dirt Mail? I finally bought the product key in the last chapter.

Matau: Sure, go ahead. Literal Air Mail is overused anyway.

Whenua: Yay!

*At Tava's house*

Computer Pie: You've got mail!

Tava: Yay, mail!

Tava,

Of course we'd like to join the Church of Pieism! Attached is the 3.14 widgets you wanted. I'm using a new Digital Money program, so you have to open the file to receive it. And it's totally not Literal Mail. Nope. Not at all.

*Tava clicks on the file, and a huge clump of dirt rains on him, burying him in a huge hole*

Tava: PPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

*Back at Matau's house*

Whenua: That was awesome! Now I see why you like doing that so much.

Matau: Yep! Okay, next question.

Matau:

Ever played "Kanoka-soccer"? Eleven people try to launch a kanoka disk into the other team's goal using only their feet. I hear it's very popular with Ga-matoran and Toa of Water!

Railblazer

Matau: Huh, never heard of it. Though it does sound vaguely familiar...

Whenua: Reminds me of Sohker. You know, that game where eleven people try to launch a Kanoka disk into the other team's goal using only their feet? The one that's very popular with Ga-Matoran and Toa of Water?

Nokama: Oh, right, I love that game! I love Sohker players!

Matau: Hey Keelerak?

Keelerak: Yes?

Matau: Do you know where I can sign up for the Metru Nui Sohker League?

Keelerak: I'd ask Hewkii. He's in charge of every sport on the island. Kohlii, Akilini, Gholph, Sohker, if it exists, he's in charge of it. He's in Po-Metru. Why?

Matau: Umm...I'm totally not going to join a Sohker team to impress Nokama! Nope!

Boggarak: Whenever he says that, I know he's about to do the opposite.

Matau: OH SHUT UP BOGGARAK NOKAMA IS RIGHT OVER THERE!

Nokama:

Matau: Umm...next question kthanksbye!

Dear Matau,

What would you do if I sent you Literal Explosives Mail?

-Crasher- Toa of Explosions

P.S. Does Roporak like sugar?

Matau: I'd forward it to Onewa, of course!

Onewa (shouting from the other side of Metru Nui): I HEARD THAT!

Matau: As for the P.S., no, I don't think so. He tried mixing it with cheese once...trust me, that's a bad idea. You do not want to see Roporak on a sugar rush while simultaneously attempting to fill the entire house with cheese. Ever since then, I confiscated all sugar in the house.

Keelerak: What did happen to all of that sugar, anyway? Last I remember, bags of sugar were still materializing regularly in our house every afternoon.

Matau: It still does that. I just hired a random Matoran to drop those bags of sugar off at some hotel on the other side of Le-Metru every day! I mean, come on, what's the worst that could happen?

Computer: Displaying next message!

Dear Matau,

If you were forced to choose one of the following(and only one of them, not both), what would you choose: having Nokama be your girlfriend forever yet having "Ask Matau" canceled to keep her your girlfriend, or keeping your show uncanceled forever yet never seeing Nokama ever again after today for it to be that way?

From,

The Toa who wants you to ask the hard questions.

Whenua: Wow, this must be a tough one...

Matau: Oh, come on! The first choice, obviously. Because then we could just start a new show: Ask Matau And His Totally Hottie Hot Hottie Girlfriend Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Keelerak: I think we all saw that one coming.

Whenua: But what if you couldn't start a new show? Then what?

Matau: What's with everyone and asking me hard questions? I'd still pick the first option, though. At least Nokama and I could have romantic dates watching the old Ask Matau! You know, the one from the old forums?

Lewa0111: Hey, stop breaking the fourth wall!

Matau, Nokama, Whenua, and All Visorak: HYPOCRITE!

Lewa0111: I'm the author, I can do whatever I want. Actually, speaking of which, I'm going to do something different for next chapter, just because I can.

*ACTIVATING ANTI-MATAU FIELD*

Next chapter will be "Ask Lewa0111" instead! So send questions to me instead of to Matau! Don't worry, I'll have a regular Ask Matau! chapter up on the same day as well.

*DEACTIVATING ANTI-MATAU FIELD*

Matau: Hey, what was that about?

Lewa0111: I'm the author. I can do what I want.

Matau: Oh, come on...

Lewa0111: I have author powers, remember?

Matau:

Lewa0111: Bye now! *disappears*

Whenua: That was random.

Keelerak: Wait, so, did that count as Lewa0111's part of the contest?

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: [Translation: Who knows?]

Matau: Okay, Computer, next question!

Computer: No more questions.

Matau: What? Oh, come on! This chapter can't be over yet, I get paid by the word!

Computer: Too bad. There aren't any more questions.

Matau: WAIT! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah--

END

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 2,029 words. Wow, that's a long chapter!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

@Rocka: Matau prefers being famous to being rich. Plus, I think we would all agree that one money-obsessed Toa of Air in the Lewa0111iverse (weirdest word ever) is more than enough...

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 18: "Ask Lewa0111%"

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emotion villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua) answer them in hilarious ways!

Keelerak: Matau, he's not on the computer for the same reason you shouldn't be starting your show!

Matau: I can start my show whenever I want!

Keelerak: No, not this time, because it's a special. Lewa0111 is going to be answering questions today.

Matau: WHAT? Why wasn't I informed of this?

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Because Lewa0111 activated an Anti-Matau field in the last chapter when he announced it.}

Matau: Oh. Well, too bad, because I'm going to do my show anyway! I don't care if he's the author!

Boggarak: Something tells me that's a bad idea...

Matau: Come on, what's the worst that could happen?

Lewa0111: AUTHOR POWERS!

*Matau teleports into the kitchen with his head inside a bucket of cheese*

Roporak: CHEESE! WOOHOO!!

Matau: Hey, what's the big idea?

Lewa0111: I'm the author, and I say we're having a special. It's my turn to have a chapter to answer questions!

Matau: it is fair and just!

All Visorak:

Matau: Hey, what the...stupid word filters...

Lewa0111: Look, how about this: you let me have this chapter as a special, and I'll write a second chapter for you to answer questions as normal. How's that sound?

Matau: No way! I just want my show back!

*Nokama walks into the kitchen*

Nokama: I think that's a great idea! I always wanted to know what our author thinks about stuff...

Matau: Okay, Lewa0111, let's go! "Ask Lewa0111" won't start itself!

Boggarak: He is way too predictable.

*I materialize as my BIONICLE self into Matau's living room*

Lewa0111: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Lewa0111%, the show where you send in questions for me, the author, and I answer them! ...Whoa, this is weird. I'm writing this comedy at the same time as I'm in the comedy!

Computer: Now logging in to authordude@lewa#studios.com. You have 2,345,318,927,508,958,610,876,539,784,698,372 new messages.

Lewa0111: Even I get tons of spam? Weird. Fine, activate Eddie the Spam Deleter.

Eddie:

Computer: You have 5,321 messages.

Lewa0111: Delete all threat mail from the Ferrets in Beige.

Computer: BRAAMP! You have 4 new messages. Displaying first message.

Lewa0111,

Ha! I finally beat you! Did you realize that you forgot to do anything for the contest in the last chapter? So I win by forfeit!

Gali1000

Lewa0111: Nice try, Gali1000, but not quite. You see, not doing anything random in the chapter was my randomness for the chapter! It's more random than anything!

Eddie: Hey! That's my emoticon!

Matau: WHOA, YOU CAN TALK!?!?!?!?!?!?

*Pohatu appears, but I shove the time-comedy warp vortex closed before he can say his line*

Eddie: No I can't! ...Oops, I mean--

Matau: That was bizarre.

*Gali1000 appears*

Gali1000: Oh, come on, that's cheating!

Lewa0111: No it isn't! And even if it was, I came up with this contest in the first place, so I can just change the rules. Doing nothing now counts as randomness, so there!

Gali1000: Fine. But this is far from over. Take this!

*The water bottle, anvil, Wile E. Coyote, and penguin fall into a randomly appeared pool of Energized Protodermis, which turns it into a squadron of chickens doing the chicken dance*

Lewa0111: Impressive...but just you wait until next chapter!

Gali1000: We'll see.

*Gali1000 vanishes*

Keelerak: Wow, an author argument. Haven't seen one of those in a while.

Lewa0111: Computer, next question!

To Lewa0111:

Which Bionicle do you like best?

Which do you like least?

The other person with no name

Lewa0111: Hmm...I would have to say...

Matau: Me! Me! I know it's me, come on! Me! ME!!

Lewa0111: ...every BIONICLE character in existence except for Matau.

Matau:

Lewa0111: Just kidding! I like messing with him sometimes. But no, seriously, Matau is one of my two favorite characters, which is why I wrote this comedy in the first place! My other favorite character, obviously, is Lewa, as you can tell by my name.

Keelerak: You still didn't answer the second question!

Lewa0111: Oh, right. Least favorite are definitely the emoticon villains. Unless we're talking about actual canon BIONICLE characters, in which case I'd say Sidorak. He was really annoying, especially in Web of Shadows, and didn't really have a point. He could have been taken out of the story completely and nothing would have changed.

Sidorak: HEY!

Matau: Go away.

Lewa0111: AUTHOR POWERS!

*Sidorak unicycles off somewhere*

Matau: Cool! Can you teach me how to do that whenever one of the Three Annoying Metru shows up?

Lewa0111: Sorry, but unless you're an Author Being, it's impossible to do that. But what is the "Three Annoying Metru?"

Matau: The three annoying Toa Metru, duh! Vakama, Onewa, and Nuju. And then there's also the Three Awesome Metru, which are me (though I'm way more awesome than any of the other five), Nokama, and Whenua!

Boggarak: Why am I not surprised?

Lewa0111: Well, that's...interesting to know.

*Vohtarak runs in*

Vohtarak: Hey, Matau's not on the computer, and I don't know this weird Toa of Air sitting here, so I'm just going to play MNOG2 again!

Lewa0111: Yes, you definitely know me, I'm Lewa0111, the author!

Vohtarak: So what? I want to play!

*Vohtarak shoves Lewa0111 out of the way and sits down at the computer*

Lewa0111: That's it, AUTHOR POWERS!

*A sumo wrestler lands on Vohtarak*

Sumo Wrestler: Booyah! *runs away*

Vohtarak: Owww...my shell...

Lewa0111: I always wanted to do that! Computer, next question.

Lewa0111,

What are your comedies you've written, and which ones are your favorite?

Lewa0111: Eh, whatever. I can't exactly criticize since I know this guy in real life. And at least the question is a good one. Since on the old forums I've written so many comedies I don't even remember them all, I'll just answer for the new forums. Here, I've written remakes of both TNI and Ask Matau! (obviously), as well as continued my old prose comedy The BZ-Nui Hack Wars. I also started a brand new comedy, Mata Nova. And I wrote a one-post December holiday special. My favorites are Ask Matau! and Mata Nova out of those five.

Oohnorak: But what about Ask Oohnorak, The Coolest?

Lewa0111: I never wrote any comedy called "Ask Oohnorak, The Coolest."

Oohnorak: Really? In that case, I'll write it myself!

*Oohnorak logs into BZP as "Oohnorak0111" and writes a comedy called "Ask Oohnorak, The Coolest," which gets closed for having less than 300 words*

Lewa0111: Amateur.

Boggarak: Why don't I get an Ask comedy? Why not "Ask Boggarak;?"

Vohtarak: Or "Ask Vohtarak&"

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: How about "Ask Joe the Coffee Rahkshi :wakeup2: "

Eddie: What about "Ask Eddie the Spam Deleter "

Matau: Only I'm awesome enough to have my own show by Lewa0111, that's why!

Lewa0111: Umm...quick, let's move on to the next question before things get any more ridiculous!

Lewa0111,

How come you completely forgot about me in the original version of this comedy? I mean, I never even appeared once until someone pointed it out in a question in the remake! What gives?

Whenua

Lewa0111: One of my own characters sent me a question? Weird...well, to answer your question, I have absolutely no idea. I just forgot, that's all. I guess you never showed up in the comedy's plot, so there was really no reason to include you.

Whenua: Aww...

Lewa0111: [norikvoice]It's not all bad, Whenua.[/norikvoice] After all, it could have been worse...you could have been made into an annoying character like the Three Annoying Metru. Oh, great, now I'm calling them that too!

Matau: Catchy, isn't it?

Lewa0111: Though I am glad that they reminded me you existed. Because now Matau gets a friend in the show!

Keelerak: Hey, what about us?

Lewa0111: I meant a Toa friend.

Keelerak: Oh.

Nokama: And what about me?

Matau: You're not just a friend, you're my girlfriend!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Boggarak: Totally saw that coming.

Roporak: Hey, Lewa0111! Can I end the comedy this time?

Lewa0111: Well, it's winding down anyway, and we're out of questions. Go ahead.

Roporak: Awesome!

CHEESE

Everyone:

Roporak: What? I like cheese!

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 1,527 words.

Matau: Lewa0111, since you got to take my place for this chapter, I'm going to take yours now!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emotion villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways!

Matau: True, it is. Maybe I should consider trimming it down a little. Okay, well, now that we're back to Ask Matau! and NOT Ask Lewa0111%, let's open MY inbox!

Computer: You have 0 new messages.

Matau:

Whenua: Hey, Matau, it says you're still logged in as Lewa0111. You forgot to log him off after the last chapter.

Matau: Oh, that explains it. Thanks!

*Matau logs in as matauisawesome@toametru.com*

Matau: Okay, before I do anything else, activate program C:/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie:

Matau: Now how many messages, computer?

Computer: You have 29,870,587,098,510,987,094,687,029,874,837,260 new messages.

Matau: Delete all hate mail from the Three Annoying Metru, all messages that say nothing but pirate or coffee emoticons, and anything from Roporak.

Computer: BRAAMP! You have 1 new message.

Matau: Only 1 this time? Oh well. You know, I should think about getting Eddie an upgrade. It's getting annoying having to manually delete all of that other stuff besides spam.

Eddie: NO! Anything but that! Oops, I mean--

Everyone:

Computer: Displaying message.

Dear Matau,

If you could go on a date with Nokama anywhere or marry her anywhere heck if you wanted to do anything with her, what would you do?

Sincerely,

The Bionicle Fan Girl who is claimed as an emo by her little cousin and is also considered a little insane but prefers the term creative.

P.S.Just you wait!!! Mablargen the peanut lord from peanut land, the chocobanians, and the Catoids from Dognarn 6 will take over everything!!! THEY SAY I'M CRAZY BUT WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! When alien life forms of any kind I named come here or others that seem deadly... they'll attack they wait and ATTACK!!! Now I'm going to do something not emo.... THWAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

P.S.S.That was a normal everyday not crazy or emo person P.S. oh and schmebs!

Matau: What.

Whenua: Yeah, I think that pretty much sums up everyone's reaction in one word.

Nokama: What is this even trying to say? I think my brain hurts from the confusingness...

Boggarak: You know what? I think even spending time in the kitchen with Roporak making infinite cheese would be preferable to trying to puzzle out this gibberish.

Oohnorak: For once, I agree with you.

*Boggarak and Oohnorak go into the kitchen*

Whenua: Okay...so, does anyone happen to have a Crazy Gibberish-to-English Dictionary by chance? ...No?

Nokama: Well, I do have my Mask of Translation, maybe that might work!

Keelerak: Hold on a second. We installed a new program recently, called "Digital Masks." It lets you use mask powers on computer programs. Why don't we try it out?

Matau: What? I don't remember buying any program...

Keelerak: No, that was Oohnorak, actually. He decided the only reason you were more awesome than him was because you could use masks. So he thought it would give him mask powers.

Matau: What a moron. Everyone knows its impossible to be more awesome than me!

Nokama: You are so insufferably egotistical.

Matau: Thanks!

Nokama: *sigh*

Keelerak: Can we all just get back on topic? Nokama, let's activate your mask.

*Roporak, Boggarak, and Oohnorak suddenly burst out of the kitchen, surfing on randomly appeared surfboards over a huge tidal wave of cheese*

Keelerak: Oh, no, not again with the cheese tsunamis...

Matau: Who cares about cheese tsunamis? That stupid emoticon villain took my DVD! We have to get it back, or else I can't go on my date with Nokama!

Whenua: But couldn't you just go on a date someplace else?

Matau: Whenua, it's the principle of the thing, get it?

Whenua: Not really.

Nokama: Oh, whatever...

Matau: We have to go after him right away.

Boggarak: Good luck with that. None of us even know where to start looking.

???: I can help you with that! I know many things about the emoticon villain you seek...including where to find him. If you want to retrieve your disk, you should accept my help.

Lewa0111: Who is this mysterious character? What does he want? Will Matau get his date with Nokama? What is 1+1? Why am I asking so many stupid questions? Tune in next time for: Ask Matau!: THE QUEST PART 1!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Here comes a crossover! So how close are you getting to the "present time?" Anyway, the story to come is one of my favorites! sort of like a fantastic-message blocked due to naming a copywrited name, and spider-character with name I will not show crossover.-BANE

Thanks for the replies! Sorry for the slight schedule slip, I ended up having literally zero free time yesterday and I apologize. However, here's the next chapter of Ask Matau! for your reading enjoyment!

*Matau, the Visorak, Nokama, Whenua, and the mysterious character from the previous chapter are all in the living room, with Roporak eating a ginormous cheese wheel and Vohtarak playing MNOG 2 on the computer*

Matau: Whoa. Who are you? And how do you know so much about Bob the Pirate?

???: I know many things about the emoticon villain you seek. However, if you want me to help you, you must first guess my name. Only then will I reveal myself to you.

Vohtarak: Oh, I know who you are! You must be the Master of Online Games!

???: No, sorry.

Vohtarak: Darn it! Oh well, I'll just keep trying to beat Po-Koro in kohlii. *goes back on the computer*

*??? steps out of the shadows to reveal a Rahkshi with a coffee emoticon for a head*

Matau:

Boggarak: Grr...fine.

*Boggarak hands Matau 300 widgets*

Nokama: But wait, aren't you also a villain? Why are you helping us, then?

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Good question. Well, besides the fact that I barely ever appear in this comedy while Bob the Pirate gets to be the main antagonist, a long time ago, Bob the Pirate stole a pirate ship from me. He is currently living inside it, which is located in Ga-Metru. That's where you'll find your DVD, so once you get the DVD back, I want my pirate ship back! I left my lifetime supply of coffee inside it!

Keelerak: So, what should we do? Just wander Ga-Metru randomly until we find it?

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: No, not quite. You must form a Fellowship of the DVD and journey on an epic quest to reach the pirate ship, confront Bob the Pirate, and retrieve your DVD, and then I can get my coffee and you can get your date!

Matau: Awesome! Then what are we waiting for? Let's form the Fellowship of the DVD!

Vohtarak: Is this going to be like Lord of the Rings, then?

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Umm...sure, why not?

Vohtarak: Awesome! I get to be Frodo! I called it!

Oohnorak: I wanted to be Frodo... Fine, then I'm Gandalf instead!

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {If Visorak are hobbits, then I guess I'll be Sam?}

Boggarak: Who says Visorak have to be hobbits? I'll be Gimli, just to be different.

Keelerak: I so call Legolas.

Boggarak: Hey, now I'm not different anymore, you copying loser!

Keelerak: Don't talk back to your elders that way!

Boggarak: "Elders?" We hatched from the same hive!

Keelerak: True, but I hatched 0.00000000000000000000001 milliseconds before you, so I'm older!

Boggarak: Yeah, right.

Keelerak: It's true! Back when we still served under Sidorak, remember when he gave us a day off, and we all sat around watching Visorak Hive home videos from when we were larvae? I saw the one of us hatching, and I definitely emerged before any of you.

Boggarak: Fine.

*Roporak wakes up*

Roporak: Are we picking LoTR characters to be for this quest? Then I'll be the cheese cook, and make tons of cheese!

Matau: There isn't any cheese cook.

Roporak: There isn't?

Matau: Nope.

Roporak: Fine, then I'll be the Cheese Monster.

Matau: None of those, either.

Roporak: Is there any LoTR character who's obsessed with cheese?

Everyone Else:

Roporak: Lame...oh, fine, then I'll just be Bilbo. I can sit home and eat cheese all day while you go on the adventure!

Matau: Fine, do what you like. But I'm Aragorn.

Nokama: I can be--

Matau: You'll be my girlfriend, of course!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: I really should have seen that one coming.

Keelerak: Is Aragorn's girlfriend even in the Fellowship?

*Keelerak randomly whips out a LoTR book and starts flipping through it*

Eddie:

Computer: We'll be Merry and Pippin.

Everyone:

Computer: Oh, what, so now computers can't be in the Fellowship? That's discrimination! That's computerist!

Boggarak: Is that even a word?

Keelerak: It is now.

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: What about me?

Matau: Oh, I know! You can be B...err, B...you know, that "B" guy! I don't know how to spell it.

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: But I don't want to be the one who dies!

Matau: Too bad, just deal with it.

Whenua: Hey, wait a minute, who's left?

Matau: What do you mean?

Whenua: Who can I be?

Matau: Umm...well...this is kind of awkward, but since you weren't a character in the original version of this comedy, there isn't anywhere for you in the remake. But you can be Aragorn's crazy sidekick who I just now this second made up!

Whenua: Okay, sure.

Lewa0111: And I'll be Tolkien, obviously!

Matau: Great! Now that we've formed our Fellowship, let's get started!

Keelerak: I just realized something.

Matau: What?

Keelerak: This has been the longest beginning of a chapter ever. Matau, you never did your intro, so the chapter still hasn't technically started!

Matau: Wow, good point. That really is a long beginning. Actually, though, I think I'll start a new intro for this one!

Whenua: A new intro? Cool! The old one was getting a bit long anyway...

Matau: Welcome, everyone, to Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 1, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

*Matau ducks*

Duck: Quack!

Nokama & Matau:

Whenua: Umm...interesting...was that whole sequence part of the intro?

Matau: Maybe?

Keelerak: So, Matau, are you going to answer questions? You know, the computer and Eddie are coming along, too...

Matau: Great idea! Then I can have my show and go on the quest at the same time!

Nokama: All right, then, let's just get a move on!

*All of the members of the Fellowship (and Whenua) leave Matau's house and start walking down the street*

Matau: Okay, well, now that we're on our way, how about we answer...wait a minute, where's the computer?

Nokama: In the house, where you left it...where else?

Matau: I just assumed it would be coming along with the rest of us!

Nokama: Computers can't walk, you moron!

Matau: ...Right...

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Oh, for the love of Hapori the Tohu , can we just get moving? Who cares about the computer?

Matau: I care! This is still Ask Matau!, remember? So I still have to do my show!

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Fine, just be quick about it...

*Everyone runs back inside the house*

Keelerak: So...anyone have any ideas?

Computer: I'm not really sure how we're supposed to move, to be honest...I'm a computer and Eddie's just a program, after all.

Whenua: I know!

*Whenua pulls out a randomly appeared mine cart and straps the computer to it*

Whenua: There! Done!

Matau: Okay, well, let's head off to look for Bob the Pirate's ship, for real this time!

*Everyone (now including the computer) leaves the house and starts walking through the streets of Le-Metru*

Lewa0111: ...And so, the merry band of Lord of the Rings copyright stealers travelers continued on their way to Ga-Metru, and a confrontation with their nemesis, Bob the Pirate!

Matau: You do realize we can see the crossed out part, right? Just checking...

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Matau: Welcome, everyone, to Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 1, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!Nokama: *SLAP!**Matau ducks*Nokama & Matau: :blink:Whenua: Umm...interesting...was that whole sequence part of the intro?Matau: Maybe?

You're supposed have a duck come in and quack whenever someone ducks! Don't you recall that part?Other than that minor error, this is a job well done. Now Whenua has a part too.

@Kapurkar: I literally caught that as soon as I posted the chapter. It's been fixed, thanks for pointing it out!

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 21: Crossover Time

Matau: Hey, what's the big idea here?

Lewa0111: What?

Matau: You didn't post a chapter title screen thingy in the last two chapters in a row! What gives?

Lewa0111: Whoops, sorry. I must have forgotten that this was the remake, not the original. But the previous chapter would have been called "The Fellowship of the DVD" and the chapter before that would have been called "Another Quest Begins."

Matau: Got it, thanks.

*In a pirate ship...*

Bob the Pirate: AHOY, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Bob the Pirate where I answer questions that I stole from Matau's DVD!

Matau, Nokama, Whenua, All Visorak, Computer, and Eddie: Give that back right now!!

Bob the Pirate: You can't find me, HA!

*Bob the Pirate disappears*

Matau: We'll find him and get him for that somehow!

Whenua: Are these emoticon villains always this irritating?

Matau: Yep, pretty much. Anyway, it's time for Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 2, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

*Matau ducks*

Duck: Quack!

Nokama & Matau:

Keelerak: Huh, weird. That is a bizarre intro.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Of course it is, this is a Lewa0111 comedy, remember?}

*Roporak somehow mixes the Matoran's sugar stash in with the cheese fountain, and instantly becomes super hyper and starts trying to fill the entire Inn with cheese*

Ko-Matoran: KOPAKA!WENEEDJANITATINGIMMEDIATELYOVERHERE!

Kopaka: Can't I just take today off? That's a lot of cheese...

Takanuva: No.

Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Nokama: Err...Umm...I'll just...go now...bye!

*Back in Room 213...*

Matau: So, what happened to Vohtarak anyway?

Whenua: On the computer, obviously.

Matau: No he isn't, the computer's right here!

Whenua: No, a computer in the Inn. It's downstairs.

Matau: Oh, I see.

Keelerak: Well, since we're not doing anything particularly interesting except waiting for tomorrow morning to continue the quest, I think you should answer questions. It's been a while since we did that.

Matau: Great idea! I love doing my show!

Keelerak: Ok, cue the intro...

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways!

Boggarak: A chapter within a chapter? Now I've seen everything.

Matau: Computer, how many messages today?

Computer: You have 0,q92,783,408,738,472,058,763,98t,758,ty8,ehg,wy3,847,y29,876,q84,769,8w6 new messages.

Matau: That is the most bizarre number I have ever seen. Activate program C:/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/eddiethespamdeleter.exe.

Eddie:

Computer: You have 8,276,438,265 new messages.

Matau: Delete anything from Bob the Pirate, the Three Annoying Metru, and any mail that says "This is not spam."

Computer: BRAAMP! You have 4 new messages. Displaying first message.

Not so dear matau

have you ever exploded or imploded

I hope you've imploded

RR7 Hipnosis

P.S.BOB THE PIRATE 'S DEAD

P.S.S.you've got literal hipnotism mail

Matau: ...No, of course I've never exploded or imploded. And why would you hope I've imploded? That's just stupid.

Boggarak: Seriously, random people exploding and imploding for no reason would make this comedy even worse than it already is.

Keelerak: You do realize you're insulting your own comedy, right?

Boggarak: ...

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {My line!}

Matau: Can we focus on me again? This question is so dumb, I think it deserves some Literal Air Mail.

Computer: Unable to activate program C/Users/matauisawesome/Program Files/LiteralElementsPlus/literalairmail.exe from current location.

Matau: His appearing randomly like that is just taunting me, I hate it!

Keelerak: There's another P.S., remember?

Matau: Oh, right. *reads second P.S.* Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good.

Computer: Unable to receive program literalhypnotismmail.exe from current location.

Matau: I forgot about that! Cool!

RR7: HEY!

Matau: I don't care, I'm immune, so HA! Computer, next question.

if you want to marry nokama matau why dont you take her for a drive in the air flying

p.snokama loves you

Whenua: Huh, no name or anything. Weird.

Matau: Trust me, I've done that. Multiple times! In fact...

Boggarak: NO FLASHBACKS!

Matau: Too late!

[FLASHBACK!]

*Matau is flying another one of his custom flying vehicles around Ga-Metru*

Matau: Hey, Nokama! Look at me! I'm awesome!

Nokama: *from the ground* Matau, not another one of your wacky vehicles...

Matau: Come on, this one is the best yet! Just try it!

Nokama: No, thanks. AAAAH!

*Matau dives down to the ground and somehow Nokama ends up on the vehicle*

Matau: Now time to do some extreme moves!

Nokama: No, wait, this is a really bad--

*Matau takes the vehicle into several loops around the Coliseum and dives toward Ko-Metru, weaving in and out of several Knowledge Towers while flying upside-down. Suddenly Nuju is in front of him*

Nuju: Matau, according to the prepositional theorem of the posited factorial, your inadequately constructed vehicular object is unsuitable for the current--

*Nuju's nerdiness distracts Matau, causing him to accidentally crash the vehicle into the side of the Knowledge Tower, with Nokama flying off and landing by Nuju*

Nuju: Oh, hello, Nokama. Did you know that you are a Toa of Water? Water is made up of the elemental property with the formula H2O, which gives it a uniquely charged property that enables its polarity to provide...

Nokama: *sighs* Matau, not again!

[/FLASHBACK]

Everyone but Matau:

Matau: And that's another reason why I hate Nuju. Also, who's "Snokama?" Is she Nokama's twin sister? Because if that's true then that would be awesome!

Keelerak: Nokama doesn't have a twin sister.

Matau: Aww! Why not?

Keelerak: Umm...because the Matoran Factory only made one of her?

Matau: That makes sense. I guess.

Whenua: That makes NO sense!

*Lewa runs in*

Lewa: Did somebody say "cents?" I want some!

Whenua: No, I said "sense."

Lewa: Oh. Bye!

Computer: Next message.

Have you ever exploded or thrown up

RR7 Hipnosis

P.S. Bob the Pirate is dead I killed him

P.S.S. Garan wants to know whether pineapples house monkeys or apples do

P.S.S.S. I'll kill you cause' I'm crazy ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Matau: Oh, no, not this guy again...

Keelerak: What's with him and wanting to know if you've exploded?

Matau: No idea. As I said in the first question, no, I have not exploded. Nor have I thrown up. And as for the P.S.'s: 1) I wish you'd killed Bob the Pirate, but obviously you haven't. 2) Umm...what? Who's Garan, and why has he gone insane? 3) One word: What.

Computer: Next massage!

*A hand comes out of the computer and gives Matau a massage*

Matau: Umm...that was weird...

Computer: Oops, I meant next message, sorry!

*The hand goes away and the next message appears*

Dear Matau,

Do you liike your maask ? how do you think you would look in Ehrye's mask.

Thanks,

Inika Toa

Boggarak: Finally, a decently normal question for once. Those sure are rare...

Whenua: Though he apparently loves double vowels. He spelled "mask" and "like" wrong.

Matau: Who cares? As for the question, of course I like my mask! It makes me look awesome and completely irresistible to Nokama!

*Nokama just happens to come back to the room at that exact moment*

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau: Oh, come on! What are the odds of that happening?

Both Lewa0111s:

Oohnorak: Since Matau can't answer the question at the moment, I'll do it instead! He'd look absolutely HIDEOUS in that mask!

Matau: I'm not dead, you know! Give me back my show!

Oohnorak: Okay, fine...

Matau: Though I do agree with Oohnorak on this one. I'd look hideous in Ehrye's mask. Actually, I'd look hideous in anyone's mask except mine. I'm just really glad I'm not stuck with Ehrye's!

GregF: Umm...well, about that...

Matau: GO AWAY!!

*Greg leaves*

Computer: No new messages.

Matau: Huh, guess we're finished, then. Should we go to sleep and get ready to go after the DVD again in the morning?

*The Ko-Matoran picks up the entire Fellowship of the DVD and runs into the garage, where the Toa Nuva are waiting*

Boggarak: Hey, I thought we put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign!

Ko-Matoran: Noyoudidn'tthesignsaid"DoesKnotDoorknobs!"

Whenua: Huh?

Rahkshi of Letter Control: Ha, ha!

Matau: Oww! Hey, what's the big idea?

Ko-Matoran: Yippeewehavetogobecauseit'sadventuretime!

Lewa: Okay, let's go, everyone!

*Both comedies' characters get into the Nuva Inn "car," which is actually two Ussanuis superglued together with a bunch of seats duct taped to the top, plus several Rahkshi staffs attached to the bottom to make it fly*

Tahu: Yes! Driving time!

Everyone but Tahu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Tahu: Too late!

*Tahu drives the extended car out of the garage...through the wall*

Matau: Are you insane? I could drive this thing ten times better than you!

Tahu: Yeah, right. I'd like to see you try.

Matau: GLADLY!

Keelerak: Something tells me this won't end well...

Whenua: I agree. Hey, wait a second, where's Lewa0111?

Gali: Our Lewa0111, or yours?

Whenua: Either of them.

Onua: They're over there.

*Onua points to where the two Lewa0111s are still talking*

Matau: Whatever, just leave them there. Let's go!

Tahu: I'm driving!

Matau: No way!

*Matau pushes Tahu out of the driver's seat and grabs the controls, steering the car super fast through the streets*

Nokama: Matau, where are you going?

Matau: To Ga-Metru, obviously!

Nokama: Do you even know where it is?

Matau: That way. *points*

Keelerak: ...But that way leads through a bunch of buildings.

Matau: So?

Everyone but Matau and Tahu:

*SCREECH!! CRASH! BANG!*

Random Matoran: Hey, that's my house you just smashed through!

Tahu: My turn now! BURN STUFF!

*Tahu lights Matau on fire and takes the controls, continuing to drive through buildings*

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Roporak: No, there goes my massive cheese wheel!

Matau: Look, a Knowledge Tower!

*CRASH!*

Tahu: Now it's a pile of rubble tower!

Matau: Okay, my turn again.

*Matau uses his air powers to blow Tahu out of the driver's seat and takes the controls again, using his wind powers to launch the "car" into the air*

Matau: I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD! WOOHOO!

Nokama: That's enough! *SLAP!*

Gali: Tahu, you too!

*Gali summons a rainstorm*

Tahu: :onwater:

Keelerak: But that's not a real emoticon...hey, wait, who's driving the "car" if both Matau and Tahu are incapacitated?

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Oh...no...

*The "car" plummets to the ground from 1,000 miles up*

Vohtarak: Oww...my precious computer-game-playing head...

Whenua: Can we just end this chapter now? I think we all need some time to recover.

Keelerak: But only an Author Being can end this chapter!

*The chickens start dancing around the car's wreckage, then start eating some randomly appeared turkey*

Oohnorak: Isn't that cannibalism?

Gali1000: No, it's randomness!

Whenua: Hey, you're an Author Being! Can you end the chapter for us?

Gali1000: Sure, but where's Lewa0111?

Takanuva: Still talking to his other self.

Gali1000: Umm...whatever. I'll just end it.

END

*5 hours later, the 2 Lewa0111s are STILL talking*

Bob the Word Counting Matoran: This chapter has 2,610 words. Wow, that's a long chapter for a script comedy!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

(NOTE: The crossover story was continued after the previous chapter in The Nuva Inn. So, this chapter continues where TNI left off.)

Matau: Now it's time for Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 3, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

*Matau ducks*

Duck: Quack!

Nokama & Matau:

Keelerak: That intro is really...you know what, forget it.

Oohnorak: Wow, the Toa Nuva all suddenly fainted. Obviously they couldn't stand so much awesome in one Visorak.

Everyone Else:

Matau: Weird, though.

Whenua: Wonder what that is?

*They look over to see the car crashed into the ground (where Matau left it), the Nuva all fainted, and a trail of squished pies leading off in the distance*

Lewa0111: Okay, what did my other self do now? *sighs*

*TNI!Lewa0111 walks over and the two Lewa0111s start talking again*

Boggarak: Let me guess...they'll be doing that for another five hours.

Keelerak: Great, now what? We can't do anything until the Nuva wake up and the Lewa0111s finish talking.

Vohtarak: I know! We can play MNOG 2!

Boggarak: Like nobody saw that coming.

Roporak: Better idea! Let's eat CHEESE!

Nokama: Okay, okay, can we all stop quoting our obsessions and just focus? We're looking for Matau's DVD, remember?

Matau: For a quest, this saga really hasn't been much of a quest. All we've done has been the usual answering of questions, but...wait a minute...that's it! We can answer questions again while we wait for the Nuva to wake up!

Boggarak: Well, duh.

Whenua: Intro time!

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD, and crazy crossovers) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways! Computer, how many messages today?

Computer: You have--

*All of a sudden, the TNI group wake up and walk over to Matau*

Lewa: Hey, what are you guys doing? Sorry, we fainted for a moment there for no particular reason. And where's Lewa0111?

Gali: Which one?

Lewa: Either.

Nokama: They're talking to each other forever again. And since we can't do anything until they finish, Matau is starting his show.

Onua: Matau has a show? I want one!

Matau: Sorry, you can't have one. Nobody wrote a comedy called Ask Onua yet.

Lewa: Aren't Ask comedies overused and cliche?

Both Lewa0111s:

Leaw: Umm...sorry...forget I said anything!

Gali: Lewa? What happened to your name?

Leaw: HEY! Somebody get rid of that stupid Rahkshi already!

*The Lewa0111s go back to talking*

Keelerak: *sighs* Darn it, I was hoping they had finished early. Now they'll never stop talking!

Tahu: I know how to get them to stop! BURN STUFF!

*Gali douses him with water*

Tahu: :onwater:

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: [You know that isn't a real emoticon, right?]

Takanuva: No.

Kopaka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Tava: Pie!!

Matau: You people are bizarre.

Roporak (arguing with Tava): No, CHEESE!!

Gali: You're one to talk...

Tava: PIE!!

Roporak: CHEESE!

*Zaktan grabs both Tava and Roporak and shoves them into trash cans*

Gali: Finally, no more pointless arguments spamming up the chapter.

Keelerak: Can we all stop wasting time already!?!?!?!?!? Matau has to answer questions, remember?

Takanuva: Wow, he screamed for a reason that had nothing to do with me. I think that's a record or something.

Matau: Computer, display first message.

Why is it that I saw I Love Vakama posters all over Nokama's room when you said she is your girlfriend.

And oh,Vakama is behind you and is about to smash you with the giant mallet because you hurt his feelings.

From,not Choronicler who is not the person who snuck into Nokama's room and is instead some crazy fool who thinks Makuta is actually a oversized Muaka with a head injury and hides ontop of Nokama's hut.

Matau and Nokama: WHAT!?

Keelerak: Wow, they actually agreed on something for once...

Vakama: *SLAP!*

Nokama: Okay, Vakama, that does it! First you put posters all over my room while I was busy with this quest, and now you steal my trademarked slap? Get over here, now!

Matau: Yeah! Both of us are going to get revenge on you! Luckily, I "borrowed" a program from Makuta a few chapters ago...Computer, activate program C:/Users/shadowmaster/Program Files/shadowhand.exe.

*A shadow hand comes out of Vakama's computer and drags him to where Matau and Nokama are*

Matau: REVENGE TIME!

*Matau and Nokama start chasing Vakama around everywhere, with Vakama screaming like a little Ga-Matoran the whole time*

All Visorak and Toa Nuva:

Keelerak: Well, as entertaining as this is, Matau obviously can't answer questions while this is going on. Anyone care to volunteer to answer the next one?

Whenua: Sure, I will! Computer, next question.

Dear Matau:

Why did your eyes change from red to light green when you became a Turaga?

-Toa Huki

Whenua: Umm...what? Matau isn't a Turaga, he's a Toa, obviously...

Oohnorak: I doubt even Matau knows the answer to this one.

Lewa: What are you talking about, Whenua? Matau is a Turaga. I should know since he showed me where to find masks way back in 2001!

Whenua: But he's right here, and he's clearly a Toa. Matau's never been a Turaga as far as I know.

Takanuva: ...But if Matau's still a Toa in this comedy, then wouldn't I still be Takua?

Gali: And wouldn't we all be asleep?

Fred: And those Rahkshi we fought back in the last saga shouldn't exist, either.

Keelerak: It's a Lewa0111 comedy. Obviously it's all just a giant time glitch.

Matau: There is no way I could ever become a Turaga! Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER!

GregF: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure...

TNI!Lewa0111, Lerahk1222, AM!Lewa0111, and Gali1000: GET OUT!

FregG: Meep.

RLC:

Whenua: What was that?

Lewa: Oh, it's just that annoying Rahkshi of Letter Control who follows us around and messes with letters. He's a real jokester.

Whenua: Huh. Weird.

Matau: Well, now that we've established the fact that I will never in 89012734578108934258347659620384650183568 years become a Turaga, let's move on! Computer, next question.

Computer: Displaying Message 3.

Dear Matau,

I am sending you a Nui-Rama with a potion that would change Vakama into a version of him which isn't so whiny and pathetic. If someone else takes it, they will have a personality like yours except Nokama, who will become obsessed with you. Have fun!

The Bubble Mailman

Matau: Okay...what's going to happen this time?

Keelerak: Are you feeling okay, Matau? You do realize that this potion might be the greatest thing ever. For you, that is.

Nokama: He's not getting me to drink any potions, so don't even suggest it.

Matau: I know, and normally I'd be excited about potentially giving it to Nokama or Whenua, but since when do people who send me stuff in this show ever send positive things? It's always either threats, viruses, threatening viruses, or virusy threats.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Virusy isn't even a word!}

Matau: Who cares? The point is that I don't trust these questions any more. Besides, the potion didn't even show up, so it's probably all just a scam.

Whenua: Either that, or the potion was delivered to your house as opposed to, you know, some random place in the middle of nowhere.

Matau: Whatever. I guess we'll deal with this potion when I get back from the quest!

Lewa: So, that's it? You only got three questions?

Matau: Yeah, so?

Lewa: Nothing. It's just, if this was a real chapter and we didn't have the greatness of The Nuva Inn to take up space at the beginning and end of the chapter, I feel like your comedy would be way too short.

Matau: Usually our chapters are longer.

Nokama: He's right.

All Visorak:

Boggarak: Nokama said Matau was right about something? Never thought I'd live to see the day.

Onua: So, now what?

AM!Lewa0111: *walks up to the group* Hi, guys. What did we miss? Sorry, I got distracted talking.

Boggarak: Oh, you missed nothing much, just AN ENTIRE CHAPTER OF ASK MATAU!.

AM!Lewa0111: Whoa. Really? I was busy that long?

Whenua: Yep, pretty much.

AM!Lewa0111: Sorry, guys. Well, I guess I'd better end the chapter now while we're thinking of it.

Matau: Good idea. That way I can get the DVD back faster!

Lewa: And catch whoever's responsible for all of this pie insanity!

Nokama: At least we're immune to it as long as we're in Ask Matau!.

*Everything suddenly explodes into confetti*

AM!Lewa0111: And that's the contest for this chapter. Now time to end it!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

It's good to see this comedy updated again! Matau and Nokama both chasing after Vakama made me laugh. I wonder what's going to happen next.Question: Will the next chapter of this cross over be in TNI or in AM?

0

Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

My first impression after reading this comedy (mostly to find out what happened in between the lines in The Nuva Inn) was to laugh...really hard and really long. I would like to see more of the author contest though...its utter randomness is absolutely hilarious.Question for Matau: Can he fly any better these days than he did in Legends of Metru Nui?EDIT: Where's our next chapter?!

Edited by Toa Sonis, May 18 2012 - 08:43 PM.

0

I shall be saying this with a sighsomewhere ages and ages hence:two roads diverged in a wood, and II took the one less traveled byand that has made all the difference.

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, guys. Long story short, it was a combination of business and laziness; see my blog for my more detailed explanation and apology. Anyway, we're back with more Ask Matau!

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 23: Food Foes

Boggarak: Great, now what? We're stuck in the middle of nowhere with no Nuva, no ride, and no way to continue! I told you this quest was a bad idea.

Keelerak: Umm, no, you didn't. You never really mentioned the quest at all, to be honest.

Boggarak: Well, I was thinking it was a bad idea! That counts!

Keelerak: So apparently I'm supposed to wear a Suletu now?

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Well, at least it wasn't a total loss. We did manage to keep answering questions, after all, so we weren't missing much!}

Matau: Look, everyone, can we all quit arguing about whether or not this quest was pointless? Because for one, it obviously isn't, since a DVD of my awesome show is clearly the most important thing in the universe besides myself, and for two, it's time for me to do my intro!

Nokama: Besides, Roporak is getting impatient. And you know what happens when he gets impatient anywhere remotely near cheese...

*Everyone shudders*

Matau: Now it's time for Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 3, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

*Matau ducks*

Duck: Quack!

Nokama & Matau:

Whenua: Well, that's that. So now what?

Boggarak: I still can't believe a certain someone managed to break off the entire back half of the Nuva's "car!" Now we're stuck here.

Matau: It was Tahu's fault. Yep, definitely Tahu.

Nokama: Umm, actually, Tahu wasn't driving when that happened. Gali was restraining him the whole time. You were behind the wheel.

Matau: Umm...uhh...about that...

Oohnorak: Now, if it had been me, it would have been a completely different story! This proves that Matau isn't anywhere near as amazing as I am!

Matau: HEY! That's not true at all!

Oohnorak: Prove it, then.

Matau: Umm...well, you see...look, it doesn't matter anyway. We have our own quest to take care of, and the Nuva still have to stop that pie madness from taking over everything. Let's just focus on getting my DVD back!

Oohnorak: You're just dodging the question.

Matau: AM NOT!

Oohnorak: Then answer me. Prove you didn't crash the "car" and break it in half!

Matau: *glances at invisible watch on his wrist* Oh, what do you know, it's time to answer questions now!

*Nokama sighs*

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD, and crazy crossovers, and messages about me becoming a Turaga for some reason) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways!

Keelerak: That intro is getting rather long, have you noticed?

Matau: No, it's awesome!

Oohnorak: Like your driving skills earlier were "awesome?"

Matau: Yes. I mean no. I mean yes! I mean...Computer, how many questions today?

Matau: Ah, this is much more readable. Looks like another multiple-question-message, so in order: 1) Which mask do I like? The Great Mahiki, of course! Why do you think I wear one?

Nokama: Umm...maybe because Mata Nui gave it to you? I don't remember us ever getting a choice as to which mask we got stuck with...

Matau: Really? You mean you didn't choose that mask on purpose? Wow, then you are one lucky Toa of Water, because the Great Rau really makes you look even hotter than usual! ...That was a really dumb thing to say, wasn't it--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau:

Boggarak: Great, now we have to sit around and wait for him to wake up.

Nokama: Sorry, it's just a habit, I suppose.

*1 hour later...*

Matau: Okay, finally, on to the next part of the question. What will happen at the end of the movie? Well, it's kind of hard to answer this one, seeing as you didn't bother to specify which movie you were talking about. I'll just go ahead and assume you're talking about the greatest movie ever to be made, "Bionicle 5: Matau Is The Coolest." It's coming out December 32nd, 2015, and it stars myself, the most amazing Toa-Hero of all time!

Whenua: But I thought Bionicle was cancelled and--

Matau: No, no, no, it was cancelled, but I told them to un-cancel it and make this movie. The executives at Lego were so overwhelmed by my amazing aura of pure coolness that they decided to un-cancel it, see? As for how it ends, I can't give away spoilers just yet. I will tell you that it has something to do with Nokama kissing me, though--

Nokama: *SLAP!*

Matau:

Boggarak: *sigh* AGAIN, Nokama?

Nokama: If he wasn't so annoyingly full of himself, I wouldn't have to keep slapping him!

Boggarak: No, it's not that...Vohtarak and Roporak are starting to worry me. We need to finish up the question-answering quickly.

Vohtarak: Must...have...BIONICLE...games...

Roporak: Must...have...more...cheese...

*One more hour later...*

Matau: Ouch. Now that this is all done, let's move on. Oh, and by the way, you don't know what I did last summer TKoN, because even I don't know! My memory of last summer got erased. All I know is it involved a bad experience with a Toa of Psionics and a Vahi.

Whenua: I don't even think I want to know...

Nokama: Trust me, you don't.

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: Is it really that important that we keep stopping to do your silly show? We're almost to Bob the Pirate's ship!

Nokama: Really? How close?

Joe the Coffee Rahkshi: It's right over there, just past that hill.

Matau: Awesome! Let's go!

*They all start walking, cresting over a conveniently placed hill, to find a pirate ship floating in the waters of Ga-Metru. The only thing was, the ship was completely doused in cheese pie.*

Matau: I hate Ta-Metru. I think we should go to Le-Metru instead and visit the Moto-Hub!

Nokama: But Ta-Metru is so close! Plus, I love it there! It's one of my favorite Metrus.

Matau: I love Ta-Metru, it's my favorite place in the world! Let's go over there right now!!

Boggarak: Typical.

*Later, in Ta-Metru...*

Matau: Does anybody feel something?

Roporak: CHEESE PIE!!

*Roporak is busy eating from a huge pile of cheese pie he brought along from the pirate ship*

Matau: ...I meant besides that. Like somebody's watching us.

Boggarak: You know, I have a pretty good feeling that whenever anyone says they feel like someone's watching them, it never turns out well.

Keelerak: Stop being such a pessimist.

Boggarak: NO U.

Keelerak: ...That was unexpected...

???: My precioussssssssss...

Matau: Please tell me that's just Vohtarak messing around.

Vohtarak: Not me, I'm over here!

???: My precioussssssssss...

Computer: Don't hurt me! I'm just a computer! And my mine cart's wheels are still sticky with cheese pie, too!

???: My precioussssssssss...

Whenua: Light-up-mask time!

Nokama: AHA! We found you!

*Whenua shines his mask in a corner, revealing Iruini crouched in a corner, holding a pie*

Matau: Iruini??? Now I've seen everything. What happened to you?

Iruini: I couldn't...get away! They stole every last pie! Except...for...the precioussssssssss...

*Iruini holds the pie close to himself*

Keelerak: Must be the same people behind all of this.

Matau: Where did they go?

Iruini: They went in there!

*Iruini points to a huge building made entirely of pie sitting nearby*

Matau: Great, then let's go! Thanks, Iruini/Gollum/whoever!

Whenua: Watch out, guys. Somebody's coming.

???: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!

Vohtarak: Maybe we should have chosen another movie to make fun of...like something less scary?

Keelerak: I concur.

Nuju: According to the majority theorem of the literary screenplay for this work of amusement, the previous words utilized in the viridian Visorak's dialogue are, in fact, a repetition of an earlier line of dialogue uttered by myself in--

Everyone: NERD!

Nuju:

*Nuju vanishes*

Matau: Who are they?

*Six figures approach Matau and co., each resembling Toa Metru but made out of various flavors of Pie. The leader, who resembles Matau, steps forward*

???: I am Pietau, Piea Metpi of Key Lime Pie!

*Pietau blasts Matau with a blast of key lime pie*

Matau: Hey, what was that for? You got pie all over my awesome Toa armor! Who are you, anyway?

Pietau: We are the Piea, of the glorious storyline of PIEONICLE. The Toa Nuva could not stop us, and neither will you.

Whenua: Uh-oh. This looks bad.

Nokama: We'll have to combine our strength if we want to fight these Piea Metpi.

Lewa0111: Oh, please. They don't have any authors with them! Allow me.

Gali1000: Don't forget me!

Lewa0111: Okay, we attack on three, hit them with all of your Author Powers at once!

Gali1000: One...two...five!

Lewa0111: It's "three," not "five."

Gali1000: Oh yeah. One...two...three!

*Both authors use their powers at the same time, teleporting the Piea Metpi to Barney Land*

Pietau: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Piekama: THE HORROR!

Pikama: NEVER!!

Pieju: NOT BARNEY!

*Back at Ta-Metru, the two Author Beings high five each other*

Keelerak: How did you manage to high five each other if you don't even have bodies? Or limbs, or hands?

Lewa0111: Umm...oh yeah, I forgot. By the way, did that count as part of the contest?

Gali1000: Barney Land is pretty random, so I guess we can count it.

Lewa0111: Okay, fine.

Matau: Let's just go into that building. It's time for heroic Toa Matau to save the day!

Nokama: Wait, I think we should go in through the roof.

Matau: Why?

Nokama: Because the minute we do, I know the story will continue in The Nuva Inn, and I think it would be important.

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Pie versions of the Toa Metru. Never thought I read something with that in it. But even though they were evil, they didn't deserve the fate of being sent to Barney Land.Well, actually, maybe they did. :PAnyway, it's great to see this comedy back! I can't wait to see what happens next.

0

Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story.

Hello everyone, at long last I'm back! The Nuva Inn was updated the other day with the conclusion to its half of the crossover saga, so hop on over there to find out what happened after the last Ask Matau! chapter. But now, it's finally time for the finale to Matau's own quest. Let's go!

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 24: The Precious ... DVD?

*In the Pieism building...*

Tava: THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

*Tava runs around faster than BEC on a sugar rush, gobbling up every bit of Pie in sight, including all of the Piea, Frpied, and PEC*

Gali: That was a surprisingly easy resolution. Why didn't we think of that to begin with?

Matau: Because none of you are as awesome as me, obviously.

Oohnorak: I beg to differ, I'm way better than you!

Matau: No, you are not. *blows Oohnorak all the way back to the house*

*Tava suddenly chomps down on a pirate hat*

Tava: Hey, this isn't a pie! What's this doing here?

*Tava yanks up the pirate hat to reveal an entire pirate emoticon with a body attached*

Everyone: BOB THE PIRATE!?!?!?!?!?

Pohatu: By the way, I--

Lewa: Old joke, ruining a dramatic moment, not funny.

Matau: HA! Found you at last! Now where's my DVD?

Bob the Pirate: First of all, you forgot the emoticon, and second, why should I tell you?

Matau: That does it, you're coming with us. Keelerak, would you do the honors?

Keelerak: Gladly! *wraps Bob up in webbing*

PieTakaBlueNuva: Well, the Pie madness is over. Time for me to un-fuse. *un-fuses back into Takanuva and Pieli*

Lewa: Well, Matau, it's been fun. Come stay at the Inn any time!

Matau: Do we get to stay for free now that we're friends?

Lewa: WHAT!? NO! That's precious money I'd be throwing away!

Matau: Geez, selfish much?

Nokama: You're one to talk.

Matau: Thanks! ...I think that was a compliment? Maybe?

Nokama: Goodbye, everyone!

AM!Lewa0111: We'll have to do this again sometime! This crossover was fun!

TNI!Lewa0111: Thanks for the save, me.

*The Ask Matau! crew heads back to Matau's house with the wrapped-up Bob the Pirate in tow*

*At Matau’s house…*

Matau: Now it's time for Ask Matau! THE QUEST PART 5, where we go on a quest to get my DVD back so I can go on a date with that hottie Nokama!

Nokama: *SLAP!*

*Matau ducks*

Duck: Quack!

Nokama & Matau:

Boggarak: We're really still doing that one?

Matau: Yes, we are. Get over it.

Boggarak: Ugh...

Matau: Finally, home sweet...cheese!?!?!?

Pohatu: By the way, I love--

Matau: DON’T USE THAT JOKE!

Pohatu: *disappears*

Matau: Why is there cheese everywhere?

Whenua: Knowing Roporak, it was probably him.

Matau: But he was with us the...whole...time...

*Roporak comes sliding out of the kitchen on a surfboard*

Roporak: CHEESE! WOOHOO!!

Keelerak: No way. How did you get here before us?

Roporak: I have no idea, but CHEESE! WOOHOO!!

Nokama: Ugh, step aside, guys. I've got this.

*Nokama summons a huge tidal wave that washes through Matau's house, washing away every last bit of cheese in the house*

Roporak: MY CHEESE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Boggarak: Oh, shut it. Good riddance.

Bob the Pirate: Mmph!

Matau: Wow, thanks, Nokama! ...Wait, how come everything else in my house is still perfectly dry? Not that I'm complaining, but it sure is strange.

Nokama: I've been perfecting a new technique! It's called the Cheese-B-Gon Wave of Power. Turaga agaruT taught it to me.

Suukorak: ... [Translation: Turaga agaruT?]

Matau: That's super awesome. Almost as awesome as my existence! But not quite. Nothing's that awesome.

Boggarak: Figures.

Bob the Pirate: MMPH!

Vohtarak: Come on, let's stop sitting around talking and let's set up the computer right away! I need to finish Ko-Koro in MNOG II!

Matau: I say we sit down and watch those episodes so that we can plan our date! But first I want to do my show. It's been a while since we did that.

Nokama: Fine by me. Especially since Vohtarak isn't on the computer.

Matau: Thank Mata Nui for that! What do you think, Whenua? ...Whenua?

*They glance over to see that Whenua has Marka's tuba stuck on his head*

Whenua: MMMMPH!

Matau: Huh. That's weird. Anybody know how to get that thing off of him?

Nokama: Only he's strong enough to do that, but he's the one with the tuba on his head in the first place. What should we do?

Matau: Too bad. *shrugs* Well, in that case, let's leave him like that.

Whenua: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHH!!

Matau: HELLO, BZ-NUI! Welcome to Ask Matau!, the show where you send me questions (and spam, and viruses, and threat mail, and hate messages, and mail that says "This is not spam.", and Literal Elemental Mail, and random flashbacks, and multi-part questions, and emoticon villains arguing, and mail calling me ugly, and extortion mail, and mail from other Lewa0111 comedies, and people stealing my DVD, and crazy crossovers, and messages about me becoming a Turaga for some reason, and food obsessions taken way too far) and I (and Nokama, and Whenua, and Lewa0111) answer them in hilarious ways! Wow, it feels good to be doing this in my own home again. Okay, Eddie, do your stuff!

Eddie the Spam Deleter:

Computer: You have OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAND~! new messages. *A scouter randomly appears over the computer monitor and then shatters*

Matau: Can we stop reviving old jokes? Just because my voice actor said the line...oh, never mind.

Computer: Sorry, I just always wanted to do that.

Matau: Whatever. Just delete anything and everything from PIEONICLE characters, emoticon villains, and the Three Annoying Metru.

Computer: BRAAAMP! Deleted! You have 4 new messages. First message:

Hey Matau! Glad to see you're still in business. So, is the sky really falling, or is that just a figment of everyone's imagination?

P.S. Hi Suukorak (translation "...")

Matau: Geez, is it too much to ask for people to sign their names? How else am I supposed to know if it's from someone I hate or not?

Keelerak: Something tells me this one is not from someone you hate.

Matau: Good point, but still. Anyway, I did not know that the sky is falling. You'd have to ask our resident nerd, Nuju, about that one. Where is he, anyway?

Nokama: You blew him away at the beginning of the chapter, remember?

Matau: Oh yeah. Figures, the one time I actually need him around.... Hey Computer, can we run the Literal Air Mail program in reverse?

Computer: In reverse? I should be able to do that, yes.

Matau: Great! Go ahead and do that, then. Send it to theicyprofessor@toametru.com.

Computer: Sent!

Matau: Suukorak, do you want to respond to the P.S. while we wait for that program to finish?

Suukorak: ... [Translation: Sure! Hi, Message Writing Person! Though you got that translation wrong. "Hi Suukorak" is "...". What you wrote, "...", actually says "I eat hovering bananas like a sissy Matoran of Lightning." Which I don't think you meant.]

Boggarak: Huh, we learn something new every day...

Suukorak: ... [Translation: If you want, you should sign up for Kopeke's Ellips-ese Language Course. I hear he's quite the talented teacher!]

Computer: Program complete!

*A windstorm erupts out of the computer, blasting Nuju out of it and sending him flying into the wall*

Nuju: I seem to be unaware of my geographical location at the present time. What event has recently transpired?

Matau: Hi Nerdy McNerdNerd, we need you to answer a question. Is the sky falling, or is that just a figment of everyone's imagination?

Nuju: The word typically utilized to refer to my own person is not, as you were so quick to bestow upon me, "Nerdy McNerdNerd," but is in fact the combination of letters that--

Matau: Yeah, shut up, nobody cares. Just answer the question!

Nuju: You certainly are rather insistent...As for the question. When examining the atmospheric conditions of the combination of stone and gases surrounding Metru Nui in the upward direction, we can utilize the Atmospheric Ceiling Theorem to determine the quadratic formula for the expansion of the present region and the loss of material in the areas in the direction opposite the gravitational pull. Through this formula, it is simple to arrive at a conclusion, using many complex mathematical equations, thus rapidly deducing that the aforementioned expansion and loss have obtained current values that are relatively indirectly proportional to the constant model of trigonometric mass alteration. And there is the answer you were requesting.

Everyone but Nuju:

Matau: Well, there you have it, mystery question-asker. There's your answer. Good luck understanding it...Okay Lord Nerdyton the Second, you can go now.

Nuju: I have no current intentions of departing from these premises--

*Matau summons a windstorm to blow Nuju away...again...*

Matau: Now you do!

Oohnorak: Urgh. I'd actually almost forgot just HOW annoying that guy could be. Matau, can we never do that again?

Matau: I agree. Computer, can we just move on to the next question already?

I am writing to you, old friend, requesting the return of my toa tool. I sent it to you for maintenance, however whenever I have inquired about its condition previously, the only answer you gave me was unrelenting laughter.

Could you please give me an update on its status?

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Kongu

Matau: Umm...uhh...IhavenoideawhatthisisComputerpleasedelete--

Nokama: Wait, wait, hold it! Matau, care to explain?

Matau: Clearly this is spam. Can we move on, please?

Keelerak: Obvious lie is obvious. Matau, what's going on?

Nokama: I get the feeling this has something to do with that pile of junk I found shoved into the corner of your bedroom back when we were packing for the quest. Matau, explain yourself!

Matau: Wait-wha-how-huh-hang on, what were you doing in my bedroom, anyway?

Nokama: Uhh...heehee...none of your business! And stop derailing the question!

Matau: I really have no way out of this one, do I?

All Visorak:

Matau: *sighs* Fine. Kongu had a lame Toa tool, so he asked me to spice it up a bit and make it awesome. Since I'm obviously the master of everything awesome--

Oohnorak: I beg to differ. I'm way more awesome than you!

Matau: Shut up. As I was saying, since I'm obviously the master of everything awesome, I agreed. Problem was, his Toa tool was so ridiculous-looking that I just couldn't take it seriously. It was a little stuffed Gukko bird with a handle on one end! How can anyone take that seriously? So after a few tries, I gave up.

Computer: You have just received 9,176,221,897,569,187,650,817,568,076,807,615,898 new messages from "Kongu."

Matau: Uh-oh...delete those, please! Last question!

Nokama: Well, that explains a lot. No wonder Kongu went with double Cordaks rather than use a Toa tool like that.

Whenua: MMMMMMPH!

Dear Fellowship of the DVD,

We hope this message finds you well, and that you were able to get your DVD back. As thanks for helping us with the Pieism menace, we would like to offer you a one-week vacation, completely free of charge! We have provided enough vouchers for all of you, including the Visorak, your computer, and that Eddie the Spam Deleter program. Come visit us any time!

Sincerely, Staff of The Nuva Inn

P.S. Roporak, Pie is way better than cheese! -Tava

P.P.S. Matau, let's have a race sometime in the Moto-Hub. You vs. me. Let's do this! -Tahu

P.P.P.S. Don't forget to pay your bill from your last stay! -Lewa

Matau: Wow, awesome! Obviously they loved having me around so much, they want to pay to have me visit again! Maybe once our date is over, we can go back.

Nokama: We'll see. This is certainly interesting...

Roporak: CHEESE IS WAY BETTER THAN PIE YOU CRAZY TOA! THAT DOES IT! LITERAL CHEESE MAIL FOR YOU!!

Keelerak: Roporak, we don't have Literal Cheese Mail.

Roporak: We don't?

Keelerak: I'm afraid not.

Roporak:

Matau: As for you, Tahu, YOU'RE ON!

Nokama: I suddenly have a very bad feeling about this. I think I might need to speak to a certain Gali Nuva about stopping this race.

Matau: Aww, why do you have to ruin my fun? We never figured out who was the better driver between Tahu and I!

Boggarak: You were both the worst drivers in the Matoran Universe. There, the end.

*Onua digs up from the ground again*

Onua: Hi, sorry, Lewa wanted me to show up and collect the bill. Since the mailmatoran retired a few days ago and all. Got any widgets?

Matau: Sure, but can you do me a favor first? Whenua has a tuba on his head.

Onua: How--you know what, never mind. Hang on a second.

*Onua yanks the tuba off of Whenua's head, pulling his mask off in the process*

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

It feels like it has been years since I'e read a new chapter of this comedy. (Probably because it actually has been years. )

But I'm not complaining, because this chapter was worth the wait. Its great seeing all these characters again and random things that they get into. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Question: Are you still accepting questions for the next chapter, has you have done in the past? I have a couple I could PM you, but I don't want to bother you if you are not accepting them anymore.

Thanks for the response! I'm usually always accepting questions; unless I change my sig (next to the Ask Matau! link) to say otherwise, go ahead and send as many as you'd like. The more questions I get, the quicker I can get chapters up!

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

Alright then, I feel like it's time for a new chapter of Ask Matau!, don't you? I don't have many questions for him yet, so I decided to do something a bit different this time...

Ask Matau!

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 25: Ask Whenua@

*In Matau's room, with Matau wearing fancy clothes...*

Matau: Okay, Whenua, how do I look?

Whenua: Trust me, you look fine. Though why aren't you wearing a tie?

Matau: Long story, but let's just say it involved a dim-witted waiter, a flight around the world, and Kongu.

Whenua: Sounds...uh...interesting.

Matau: So now I won't wear ties. EVER. But you're sure everything else looks okay? Is my mask on straight?

Whenua: You just hired Nuju to measure every tiny degree and spend an hour calculating things to make sure it was absolutely perfect! What's gotten into you, anyway? You're acting very...not-Matau-ish.

Matau: I don't know! I just feel all weird, and...weird, and...uh, weird.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {In other words, you're not feeling full of yourself, arrogant, and generally obnoxious?}

Matau: *points to subtitles* YES! That. That is exactly how I'm feeling. I don't like it too much...

Whenua: Wait a second, don't tell me you're actually feeling nervous!

Matau: Of course I'm not!

*Whenua and Suukorak stare at him*

Matau: ...Okay, I'm a little nervous.

*Whenua and Suukorak stare some more*

Matau: ...Okay, a lot nervous! What if things go badly? What if I mess this up? What if Nokama doesn't like me? What if--?

Whenua: Pretty sure even if you did mess everything up, things would still be exactly the same as they were before all this date and DVD quest and Pieism crossover mess started. See? Nothing to worry about.

Matau: I guess so.

*A web made of cheese suddenly shoots in through the door and grabs Matau*

Roporak: Cheese!

Boggarak: Roporak, you get back here right--wait, how and why is your webbing made of cheese?

Roporak: I drank a whole carton of Easy-Cheese today!

Boggarak: Ugh. Forget I asked.

*Roporak drags Matau down the stairs with his webbing*

Matau: Ow! Stairs! Ouch! Ow! Yowch! Owie! Oww! Stop! Yikes! Ow!

*CRASH!*

Matau: Oww...

Nokama: Hi, Matau. I see you're ready for our date...

Matau: Uh-hi-yeah-what-uh-duh.

Oohnorak: *whispering* Did he swap brains with Krekka recently, or is it just me?

Keelerak: *whispering* It's not just you.

Nokama: Roporak, want some cheese?

Roporak: CHEESE!

Nokama: ...I'll take that as a yes. Fetch!

*Nokama tosses a wheel of Swiss cheese out the window, and Roporak dives after it, taking his webbing with him*

Keelerak: Well, that's certainly one way of getting rid of him.

Matau: Hi Nokama, you look nice...Sorry about the cheese.

*Nokama summons a wave of water that douses Matau and washes off the cheese*

Matau: :onwater:

Boggarak: That's not even a real emoticon!

Nokama: Okay, you know what? Why don't we just get going. Matau, care to drive?

Matau: Uhh...you know what? Maybe not.

Oohnorak: OK WHAT THE KARZAHNI WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MATAU!?!?!?!?!?!?

Pohatu: By the way, I love--

Everyone: Don't use that joke!!

Pohatu: *vanishes*

Whenua: *shrugs* Just get Matau back in the driver's seat. That'll get him back to normal.

Nokama: Good idea. After you, Matau.

Matau: Okay, fine...

*Matau and Nokama go into the garage*

Boggarak: This strikes me as a terrible idea.

Whenua: It's worth it to get the old Matau back.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {I dunno, the new Matau was starting to grow on me...}

Whenua: Greetings, BZPower! Welcome to Ask Whenua@, the show where I, Whenua, answer your questions while Matau is busy on a date with Nokama. So, let's begin! Computer, display first message.

Computer: Displaying Message 1.

SUBJECT: SUPER SECRET OFFER!!

Did you know that Destral is decommissioning its current Kraata supplies? Well, they are! EVERYTHING MUST GO, and you're being considered for this special offer! For the next 55 million years, when you buy one Kraata of any power, you'll get five bonus Kraata absolutely FREE! Just send us W99,999,999 for shipping and handling, and we'll teleport them all straight to your address, no delay at all! But hurry: offer ends in 54.9999999 million years! ORDER NOW!

Keelerak: Good idea! Let's get through all of this spam. It'll go much faster that way!

[MONTAGE!]

Whenua: Nope.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Delete.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Ugh. No thanks.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Why do I bother?

Nidhiki: My line!

Whenua: Aren't you dead?

Nidhiki: Oh yeah. Darn.

*Nidhiki vanishes*

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Obvious spam is obvious.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Really, Onewa? Don't you have better things to do?

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: These emoticon villains never quit...

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: No, I don't want discount Rahi fertilizer.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: I like my mask just fine, thanks.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Oohnorak: HEY! Don't even think about buying us, you stupid spammers!

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: "Talk like a Ko-Matoran in three easy steps?"

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Oh, come on, it's not that easy!}

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: No, I'm not sending a billion widgets to the deposed ruler of the Southern Continent.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: Okay, Onewa, you're not even trying anymore.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Keelerak: Don't those emoticon villains ever get bored?

Boggarak: I think this is what they do when they are bored.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

Whenua: NO. Just...NO.

Computer: *BRAAMP!* Deleted!

[/END MONTAGE!]

Computer: All spam has been deleted. You now have 5 new messages.

Whenua: Cool! That's much better...all that spam gave me a headache. No thanks to you, Eddie!

Eddie:

Computer: You now have 0 new messages.

Whenua: Very funny, Eddie. Restore all messages, please.

Eddie: )-B

Boggarak: Weirdest. Emoticon. Ever.

Computer: You have 5 new messages again!

Whenua: About time. Computer, display first real message.

SUBJECT: Question for Whenua!

Whenua,

What's the deepest you've ever gone into the Archives?

-Orkahm

Whenua: Finally, an actual, real, non-spammy question! Let me think...The deepest I ever went into the Archives was probably while I was chasing an escaped Brakas monkey that ran off. That thing was causing so much trouble that I was assigned to track it down and re-capture it. Come to think of it, that was probably because I was the only Toa working in the Archives...not that I realized it at the time.

Vohtarak: Ooh! Storytime! What happened next?

Whenua: We went so far down, the lightstones stopped working and we couldn't see where we were going. Before I knew it, both I and the monkey had fallen down a bottomless pit.

Vohtarak: Did you die?

Boggarak: Really? What kind of question is that? He's standing right here telling us the story!

Vohtarak: Oh yeah. Wait, so you survived?

*Boggarak facepalms*

Whenua: Of course. Luckily for me (and the monkey), we hit water eventually. Then we swam out of the pit and I ended up in a fossil exhibit. I didn't even know we had a fossil exhibit.

Boggarak: Wait, back up a minute. You said it was a bottomless pit. How could it have water in it, then?

Whenua: Look, I don't know, okay? I didn't build the Archives, I just worked there!

Boggarak: BUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE! How can a pit be considered bottomless if it clearly had a bottom? And if it didn't have a bottom, then what exactly was the water--MMMMPH!

*Oohnorak wraps Boggarak's mouth in webbing*

Keelerak: Thanks, he was getting annoying. Let's all just sit quietly and listen.

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Quiet is my specialty! }

Oohnorak: You can put emoticons in subtitles? Weird. Hey, speaking of quiet, where's--

Roporak: CHEESE!

*A trapdoor opens in the ceiling and a waterfall of cheese (plus a very happy-looking Roporak) cascades down*

I heard you had to move in with Matau. I'm sorry! It's all my fault you moved in with Matau! It's all my fault you've been stuck with their crazy shenanigans! It's all my fault there are Visorak there! It's all my fault you went on that quest! It's all my fault you're getting annoyed with me right now! It's all my fault I'm being very irritating! It's all my fault you're going to delete this!

Oohnorak: Not anymore. Keelerak, isn't there something in that contract?

Keelerak: Unfortunately, Whenua, he's right. According to Section 5, Sub-section R, Page 34, Paragraph Z, Sentence Q and a half, Word 3, Sub-word 7.5, Letter 2, if you're doing an episode of the show, all content in the messages you receive are considered public material.

Whenua: Traitor...oh, fine. I'll just go over here.

*Whenua goes in a corner while Oohnorak goes to the computer and reads the message:*

SUBJECT: I LOVE YOU~!

Hi Whenny! I miss you! I hope life is good with Matau. Maybe you can come visit me sometime? I can't believe it's been exactly 57.218482 weeks since I saw you! I miss you soooooooooo much!

Love, Vhisola

P.S. If you see Matau, tell him I said "Thanks for nothing, you *word I can't say on BZP*!"

Oohnorak: Wow...

Keelerak: Talk about an embarrassing girlfriend.

Whenua: She's not my--oh, okay, yes, she's my girlfriend.

Oohnorak: Hey, can you two go on a date sometime? Also, you should wear this mining helmet.

*Oohnorak pulls out a mining helmet with a rather obvious video camera duct taped to the front*

Oohnorak: Ooooooh, now you can read it again and again and again because you're so in love with her!

Whenua: Shut up. Computer, next message.

Computer: Displaying Message 4.

SUBJECT: Doom!

Keelerak: Well, that doesn't sound at all ominous.

Vohtarak: Come on, just read the question already!

Pitiful Toa of Earth,

Beware. For even as the ground quakes below you, and the winds whip into a frenzy around your friend Matau, and the oceans swallow Nokama whole, I rise. All of your elemental powers will be useless to stop me. I, Makuta Terry-ducks, shall rule over--HEY, will you knock that off?

Ha, ha! I love doing this!

If you change any more lttears aorund, yuo wlil be gournded fro a cneruty! SPOT IT!! Yuo rlealy are the msot anoynnig of all my snos...

Whenua: I'm honestly not sure whether to be scared or amused.

Keelerak: It's good to know we're not the only ones that stupid Rahkshi annoys.

Whenua: Good point. Okay, next message!

Computer: Displaying final message.

SUBJECT: Back to Work!

Whenua,

Where have you been? We need you back at the Archives to mindlessly slave away for the benefit of the company err...I mean..."Utilize your unique and useful talents to help your fellow workers!" Yeah, that's definitely it. Come on back! We'll even increase your pay by one-half of a centiwidget!

-Chief Archivist Dosne

Whenua: Uhh...no thanks. Now I remember why I was so relieved to get out of that job.

Vohtarak: Ooh, does he run a theme park called "Dosne Land?" Or how about "Dosne World?"

Suukorak: ...

Suukorak's Subtitles: {Better turn on the Dosne Channel while we listen to Radio Dosne!}

Whenua: Dosne and Poxar proudly present...

Vohtarak: Or how about--

Keelerak: ENOUGH. Can we please focus? Whenua, just answer the question.

Vohtarak: Party pooper.

Oohnorak: I hate it when he goes all responsible on us.

Whenua: To answer the question, no way. Never in a million years will I go back to work for him. And that's the end of that!

Computer: No more messages.

Whenua: Phew. Remind me to get an Eddie the Spam Deleter registration for my account next time...

*The door flies open, blown into the wall by a tornado*

Matau: BOOYAH! Guess who's back?

Nokama: Matau, you might want to fix the garage first...

Whenua: What happened to the garage?

Nokama: Long story.

Matau: It was great! I mean, I've got some cool ideas to upgrade our garage. I never thought we'd need a landing strip inside...

Nokama: Still the same old Matau, I see...

Whenua: How was the date?

Nokama: Could have been worse, I guess?

Oohnorak: You two should double-date! Whenua got this letter from Vhisola and you four should all go someplace super-romantic and wear my mining helmets too!

Nokama: Mining helmets?

Whenua: Don't ask.

Matau: Hey Nokama, for our next date, maybe we should go see the new movie Bionicle 3.5: Matau Is The Coolest! It's my favorite movie ever and--

*SLAP!*

Nokama: Two things. 1) Just because we're dating does not give you immunity to my slaps, and 2) I never said you earned a second date yet. This one was decent, but the crash at the end? Yeah, not a fan.

Matau: Well, of course it wasn't a fan! It was an Air Whirler, and it is much cooler!

Nokama: Yep. Definitely the same old Matau. So what did you all do while we were gone, anyway?

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects)ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested!

For a moment our dear Emperor Kuzco Matau was g-gone. But now he's back. Great chappy as ever. The Dosne joke was fantastic.

PS: Pardon my intrusion but I think there was a little mistake in that Keelerak called Whenua "Onua" at one point (just before the message from Vhisola) and the strikethrough in Dosne's message was formatted incorrectly.