Opinion

Thursday, 10 December 2015

NASA releases HD images of a humanoid who was driving Salman Khan’s car

NASA today released high resolution images of a humanoid alien on an unknown planet, claiming he was the one driving Salman Khan’s car that ran over five pavement dwellers, killing one of them. However, as it has already been established beyond doubt that no one was driving the car that night, NASA’s sensational claim has been regarded by many as a cheap publicity stunt.

When we contacted the alien, after Air India One dropped us off on his planet on its way to Mars, he was listening to The Newshour Debate as the Editor-in-Chief’s voice was faintly audible from his planet. He admitted being behind the wheel when the incident happened on that fateful night; however, he reaffirmed that no one was driving the car.

“I visited your gola for an entirely different reason,” he recalled, “As a research scientist of my planet, I wanted to perform a few tests on Mr. Arnab Goswami to understand why sound makes an exception in his case and travels faster than light.”

“While working on the project, I started stealing clothes and cash from dancing cars for survival, and like everyone on your planet, I found it more interesting than a legitimate job. I also developed a keen interest in apparel owing to the nature of operation.”

“On September 28, 2002, I saw a few Being Human t-shirts inside a Land Cruiser. As I drew closer, a gentleman, in a t-shirt two sizes smaller than his actual size, dragged me inside the car and put me behind the wheel saying they had long been waiting for someone to sit in the driver’s seat. When I expressed my inability to operate a vehicle, he assured me that it was a self-driving car and no action would be required on my part. Before I could ask him the reason why they would need someone to sit behind the wheel when the car did not require one, it started running automatically.”

“I was behind the wheel, Mr. Khan sat next to me, Ravindra Patil sat behind me, and Kamaal Khan was behind Salman Khan at a 45 degree angle to me. The car was moving beautifully on verbal commands but as we reached Hill Road, Mr. Khan said, ‘go right,’ Kamaal Khan said, ‘Left,’ Mr. Patil said, ‘Stop,’ and I said, ‘Help.’ The car got confused and went straight and rammed into the bakery, killing one person. But thank God, nothing happened to bhai otherwise 16 million people would have committed suicide.”

When we informed him that his revelation could have legal implications, he said, “Chill. I have full faith in judiciary,” and winked at us.