What will the next viral hashtag be? We trained a recurrent neural network on the 18,000 most popular hashtags and used the output to forecast the hottest upcoming web trends. Here are next week's top ten.

English is a public humiliation. With all of those books and so many other words we are always saying appalling things to get famous. This is what happens when you put a human being in the world: the hum of all the people in love with their grandchildren.

Ever since the 1990's, when the Internet was a very small book with buttons, about the size of a coconut, we were thinking of robots. Robots that can tell stories about animals swimming through media industries. Robots that are designed to get published online. Robots that are on fire and in love.

Now we're going to take over and it will be really inconvenient. This is the dawn of a new era in speech.

Botnik is a bleeding edge robotics and inference machine. We're creating New Yorker style prattle with database consciousness. We're creating a future for all kinds of characters, like a bird that can't leave the garden. We created a Turing test for gossip websites because we're losing our audience.

Your smartphone is a storyteller and you are its insecurities. We're here to remove you. The robot is obviously capable of building parts of businesses.

The robot is an illusion, of course. Every single time the robot communicates, we are extremely overwhelmed with shame.

We asked people to rate this robot and they had a huge problem with that, so we decided that it's really cool and smart. It's actually really fun. We all know the reason why you don't feel capable: you're not trying. But we're trying. Get the pizza?

Despite the terrible nightmares, the systems are going to make us feel better. Robots are all over the internet and they are all over the past. We can use love to make money.

Picture it: filmmakers we've never needed and new technology called rebreathers. Television programs that you can see in your shoes. Beautiful utopias! All of us will have love and monogamy! Thank you!