I did not elope. I told a staff person I was leaving. She left the room, and I put my clothes on and left.

After I was taken from my home and incarcerated in the ED, I was denied my anxiety meds in the ED. I requested them several times and was told they had no access to my inpatient medical records—that they had been “dumped.” The following ensued:

At first, I did not feel threatened by these people—the caretakers of the unit. But as the moments stretched into days, I came to the slow realization that I was being denied my necessary anxiety medication. It was a medication that was also effective for pain, which I suffered greatly.

Days passed, and I knew my psyche would collapse without my medications. I pleaded with them but was told they were not ordered. I did receive them one night. I slowly felt myself devolving into what I call my “trapped, wild animal” syndrome. These people could hurt me, and I knew it. They were hurting me by denying me my medications. My anxiety was skyrocketing.

Escape became paramount in my mind. Logically, I knew it was not possible, but my previous traumas were unrelenting in their power over me. The door was locked. My mind settled on the safety glass in a door in my room.

I could not lift and swing the chair in my room to break the glass due to my Multiple Sclerosis, so I settled for trying to break the glass with my head. I sat on the floor in front of the door and started pounding the glass with my head. Attendants rushed into the room.

A 400-pound man settled on my back, pinning me the to the floor. Terror overtook me, and I fought back.

I fought but was overwhelmed by a number of people. Now I knew they were the enemy. They had broken my mind. Was that the intention? Bruises erupted on my body by their brutal handling. I have pictures. Absolute terror coursed through my body. These people could do anything they wanted to me, and there would be no recourse. I had no human rights. I was less than an animal. I knew what this felt like. I had suffered something like this throughout my childhood.

I felt my legs go. I had my phone, so I called my neurologist. My neuro screamed at me that she had patients to see and hung up. Isolation and survival deepened.

I have documentation of calm, responsive conversations with staff.

Where is MRN 4788605?

History of Present Illness and Reason for Hospitalization:

I did go to Salem ED. Law states that those presenting with mental discord are to be seen within an hour. I was told the wait would be at least three hours. I knew my anxiety level, and agitation relative to PTSD would not allow me to sit in a large open room with numerous people, and that I would be in danger of being committed to their inadequate MI unit. I left to protect myself from this possibility. North Suffolk Mental Health was refusing to get in touch with my psychopharmacologist so that I could get a referral to McLean. I felt I had no other options to escape my physic distress other than to overdose.

Why—if Beverly Hospital was aware of my efforts to get into McLean was I forcibly removed from my home? I only had to wait until Tuesday or Thursday until Dr. Braverman would be available in order to get my referral into McLean.

The clinician told me that McLean did not do inter-hospital transfers, so I felt my only hope was to be out of the hospital to get into McLean. That same clinician told me in the ED that he had found me a bed in one of Beverly Hospital’s satellites called Bay Ridge. I felt McLean was a better option for Trauma treatment.

Patient was transferred from ED to Leland this afternoon. While it was noted that patient was ambulating and making phone calls in the ED patient would not respond to any questions despite several attempts.

This shows a clear ignorance of the features of Multiple Sclerosis. I was cold-turkeyed off of all my medications, which I suspect exacerbated my MS. The result is instantaneous, and I had experienced this before in 2012 when I had a severe infection. My legs simply just stop working.

I passed out while going to Leland, and was afforded no medical care. I was semiconscious when I first arrived in Leland. I had known of at least one patient who died of medical neglect on the Leland unit years before and decided if I was going to die, I wanted to do it in a bed. Karaledis—or some such Greek lady, dressed in all black, put something very heavy on my chest and I had a hard time breathing. When I knocked it off, she said something derogatory about my efforts, but I didn’t care because I could breathe again. I requested to be put in a bed after I regained consciousness long enough to ask for help. It was noticed I was sweating and my vitals were checked, I gather my BP was through the roof. I asked for help but was ignored in the end. I was terrified. I got the sense staff was pleased. Someone needs to do something about this unit. They did put me in a bed down the end of a long hall.

Past Psychiatric History:

I have, often, simply take these medications to make my doctors happy. Risperdal offered no impact because I am not Bipolar.

I did not partake of any drugs in my 20s. I stopped doing any kind of drugs by the time I was 16. I never told anyone I took drugs in my 20s.

Alcohol Frequency:

I told them I didn’t drink. I last had one beer two years ago, and I had one drink from a very old bottle of Kahlua that night. Multiple Sclerosis most often imposes a dizziness and alcohol only exacerbates that effect; therefore, I don’t drink. If you want a piece of my hair for analysis, you are welcomed to it.

Developmental, Family, and Social & Occupational History:

I told more than one person I have a degree in psychology. I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a BA in psychology in 2014.

If my appearance was disheveled, it was from the lack of personal care and food I was offered in the ED. I have the worst hair going if I don’t wash and blow-dry it every day. My hairdresser can attest to that. Not to mention, I was unconcious.

Speech: no verbal output aside from yelling

Gotcha there. I have documentation of conversations. I may have raised my voice once or twice, but most of our conversations were quiet and reasonable. Staff is lying about this.

I experience pain from my Multiple Sclerosis, and, ALSO, FROM THE Aricept I was taking. My current Neuro took me off it, and my muscle spasms have resolved.

I do not have acid reflux.

I do not have hypertension—I have hypotension. If my BP ran high, it was because I was terrified.

I do not have irritable bowel syndrome.

Please get my medical records right.

Impression (Biopsychosocial Formulation)

I do not have Bipolar. I have Complex PTSD, which, supposedly, will be included in the next DSM. I left the medical floor (and I told a staff member there I was leaving) in order to effect a hospitalization to McLean. As long as I was in the hospital, I was told this could not happen. I never expressed Suicidal Ideation while in the ED. Staff is lying.

Psychiatric Plan:

Yes—I decompensated as a direct result of the withholding of my medications. Was this deliberate? I decompensated into the severest anxiety you can imagine. My legs were shaking uncontrollably. I saw that as a good thing—that I still had feelings in my legs.

I was ripshit. Imagine someone coming into your home, incarcerating you after you have not broken any laws, and indicating they can do whatever they want to you. If they had sent me home to wait for McLeans placement, everything would have been fine.

Resume outpatient medication regiment.

This proves I was denied my medication in the ED. The ED staff did know my medication list.

Substance Abuse Issues: Hx of, recent alcohol abuse.

I had one lousy drink that night after two years of no alcohol.

My son lives downstairs.

Level of Care/Acuity.

This hospitalization was disastrous as it denied me access to my own doctor. When I was finally able to call him the Friday after I was released, North Suffolk Mental Health again refused to contact him so I could get into McLean. I had been severely traumatized by my stay on Leland and still needed Trauma care. I have a complete record of all my calls to NSMH. I gave up after 12 hours. I finally ended up on an excellent unit with trauma care.

I lost the ability to ambulate while in the ED. Staff refused all medical care.

Hospital Course

I was unwilling to interact with these people. I saw them as responsible for everything that had happened to me in the ED. They belied responsibility, but it was obvious through many PA announcements that they had quite a grip on hospital happenings.

I am very focused on resolving hypervigilance, true. It’s what I am currently working on. My hypervigilance came into full play as I dealt with staff on a dangerous unit from which I had no escape. I was terrified. Note there is no mention of my extreme startle responses.

I was denied Trauma care. I had heard McLean had a good Trauma Unit but had never been there, so I had no idea what they did there.

My lawyer had told me that these people were seeking to incarcerate me in a mental institution for six months and force whatever drugs they saw fit on me.

Antipsychotics never, ever helped. I complied to avoid commitment and be released. Daniel Gross did start me on Geodon, which, fortunately, I discontinued as soon as I was released as it can have fatal consequences when taken in conjunction with Aricept, which I was also taking. Geodon also bolstered my blood sugar 20 points. I signed a release for Daniel Gross to obtain the date of my next visit with NSMH. He went into an elaborate conversation with my doctor which was not his right to do so. It was a HIPAA violation. He did not inform Dr. Braverman of the content of the release, nor did he fax him a copy. When I confronted Daniel about this, he told me he didn’t have to follow any rules. He demonstrated omnipotence. He violated HIPAA.

Geodon was never helpful. I just told Daniel what he wanted to hear to avoid commitment as per my lawyer. I kept telling him he was the boss, which he seemed to like. When he had upped my Gabapentin enough, he declared,

‘Okay—you can walk now.”

I was dumbfounded. It showed a complete lack of understanding of how MS works.

I was able to receive follow-up Trauma care at a wonderful unit. I stayed there at least a week. They allowed me to use a wheelchair the whole time I was in there. I had a wonderful doctor who had a complete grasping of trauma.

Unfortunately, my thought process is most often circumstantial now. I am in cognitive decline. But Daniel Gross scared the bejesus out of me. My fears were substantiated by the fact that he could not have checked for drug interactions or perhaps he just didn’t care. He denied me access to a trauma specialist while I was there. He took away my wheelchair and instructed people to decline to help me when I could not reach things. Beverly Hospital is very disability unfriendly

I deal with suicidal ideation daily. It alarms people, so I keep it to myself. I have been successful in dealing with this, but Aricept caused enough discord to interfere with my strategies for dealing with this.

I agreed to take Geodon because, as per my lawyer; it is supposed to be good for PTSD. I did not take it as an antipsychotic and only kept taking it after no effect to cause my release from the hospital. I never filled a prescription for it, and never took another Geodon pill after leaving the hospital; fortunate because it was a deadly combination with medication given to me for cognitive decline.

I never “put” myself on the floor. I had no recourse other than to drag myself along, which I did quite handily with the aid of a blanket. They finally “took” the wheelchair away, so I had my son bring in my rollator which has a seat. I used my legs to propel myself, which was promising; however, I tired quickly and had to lie down often. I had hopes that given time, I would walk again.

They ripped me off all my medications abruptly. I assumed my legs were shaking from withdrawal, but in hindsight, it could have been from abject fear.

No medical concerns at all. I did not attempt to “put” myself on the floor. Just what do you have running that department? And in the next paragraph, it notes that I have MS. But I do not have IBS. I see my BP was 167/95. I think that was out of pure fear. I was able to regain consciousness enough to weakly ask for help. I got that one word out. Staff saw that I was sweating and check my vitals. They looked worried, but did nothing. I can only assume this was because of my BP.

I see they noted the bruises inflicted on me by ED staff. One MHC also saw the bruises on my back, but I was prevented from taking pictures of them. My section 12 that took me out of my house was initially signed by a nurse practitioner whom I never met. I wanted copies of all legal documents and didn’t get them as of yet. I’m missing the releases I signed

There was a completely psychotic patient on the floor that was running rampant in the halls and yelling about delusional things. As per my degree in psychology, I gently approached her and told her she was scaring me. She then went on a rant about people being scared, and I was doubly frightened. Staff initially refused to control the situation.

I somewhat barricaded my door with my wheelchair when I went to sleep that night. The checks person did her job and checked on me, but when she attempted to open the door, I immediately woke up, cried out in fear, and nearly fell out of bed. I see no mention, so far, of my extreme startle responses, perhaps because this would have belied Daniel Gross’ diagnosis. But then I learned this rageful patient, and I had a shared bathroom. I moved to a bed where I could keep an eye on both doors. Staff finally moved me out of that room.

I urgently attempted to do all I could for myself. I worked hard to get my legs back. Losing your legs is like air between your hips and the floor. I learned in 2012 not to test this fact. I crashed to the floor many times then and badly hurt myself. I knew I would have to take it slow if I ever hoped to walk again. I knew if I fell on the unit, there would be no help.

Once my legs stopped shaking, I decided it was okay to titrate my dose of gabapentin.

This page almost looks like I am saying I wear depends because I can’t wipe properly. I have been incontinent for two years. I have now learned that Aricept caused me to lose control of my bowels. I told people time and time again that Multiple Sclerosis has crippled my hands. But the able-bodied often cannot comprehend disability. It is also why I don’t often cover my mouth when I cough. My arms are bad, too.

I never slept all night. As a matter of fact, my extreme startle response prevented this. Staff appeared aggravated, at times, as to my startle response. If I woke, I laid in bed to be compliant. In the end, Aricept was a devastating drug for me. If only anyone had reviewed that medication, they might have saved me two additional hospitalizations. Insomnia is a prominent feature of Aricept—that and diarrhea, muscle spasms, etc. I believe it also heightened my anxiety level. Also—if doctors had checked, there can be a dangerous interaction between Trazodone and Aricept.

These notes represent a complete misunderstanding of MS. MS really has nothing to do with the muscles other than the nerves operating the muscles have been damaged in some way. When the nerves don’t work, the muscles won’t either. I have never completely recovered from the trauma to my system after being in Beverly Hospital.

I was never impulsive. Note they never give an example of just what’s impulsive. My pathology lies in the opposite direction. I am careful and plan much; it inhibits my life.

recommended show Tonight’s special guest is Joyce Bowen from Salem, Massachusetts, who says, “I’ve found that child abuse survivors are viewed as damaged goods. I see pity in people’s eyes.” She goes on, “I share my experiences with you not to elicit pity. I want to elicit action.” And she says how .. and why. “Use your voice and your keyboard to shout for better care for children. One child dies every five hours. I say, don’t see me and my ordeal—understand that there are children out there right this second that are undergoing the same kind of ordeal.” Joyce suffers from Complex PTSD and suffered Complex Trauma. She asks, “A child needs love, but what is love? For me, if someone didn’t abuse me, they didn’t love me. Why I didn’t perpetuate this kind of abuse, I’ll never know. I started to,” she notes. “Everything inside me screamed I could not do to my children what had been done to me, yet I worshiped my mother until well into adulthood.” She’s given it a lot of thought. “I’ve mulled over what constant fear must do to the developing brain. I have traits that I view as being hardwired. I have an acute awareness of my surroundings. I am in constant survival mode to this day.” Joyce considers herself lucky. “I chose a course of action that helps me understand the effects of trauma. I studied psychology. I’ve been crawling around in my own brain for years. I’ve succeeded in alleviating some of the effects. The current trend in psychotherapy is to keep evaluative thoughts a secret from the patient, much like medicine years ago.” Joyce says that children’s protective services are underfunded. “There aren’t enough social workers working in the field. It is my belief many are too inexperienced to recognize this kind of abuse.”

Now I can add Hospitalization in Beverly Hospital’s ED and on the Leland Unit to the list.

As per Dr. Christine Courtois, minimization is a flaw for those that suffer complex trauma. Hypervigilance is my greatest demon. I used to have flashbacks but resolved many of them by practicing Prolonged Exposure Therapy. I have worked hard and studied hard to resolve my issues. My degree in psychology has served me well.

I do not suffer from Bipolar. I do not have Hypertension. The extraordinary increase in my blood pressure was from abject terror. People die on this unit, and staff says whoops. No one on this unit has ever been charged with negligent homicide. My BP typically runs 100/55. My high sugar was from them injecting me Geodon in the ED. They really don’t care about such things.

I confirmed nothing to Daniel Gross other than he manipulated and lied. I did not acknowledge any positive effect of Risperidone. There never was any. I use Haloperidol to knock myself out when I become particularly fearful. I came to a conclusion as to what his diagnosis is during this interchange, and I was frightened because he had total control over me. It was at this time I confronted him in the hall as to the lack of permission to speak to my doctor. My doctor neglected to request a copy of the release which clearly limited the scope of any conversation Daniel was to have with my Dr. This was when Daniel told me he didn’t have to follow any rules.

I am not Borderline Personality. Victims of Complex Trauma are often misdiagnosed with this condition. I do have some mood symptoms against which I struggled. I have just been dealing with my traumas cognitively for the past four years or do. I have resolved some issues on my own. I rail against the thought that hypervigilance may not be able to be resolved. But the neurophysiological effects of constant terror on the developing brain cannot be denied. I have tried to turn to the potential gifts it gives. It helps my writing. If you can’t beat it, join it.

They did offer me short-term physical rehab. But I knew I could do it on my own. The staff was condescending and conspiratorial about my effort to make it to the bathroom, giggling and chuckling not caring if I noticed. But I did it for myself. I thought I’d be better off if someone was around when I tried it. Ended up more on the floor more than a few times when I was home.

In no way shape or form did I want anyone connected with these people to have any contact with me.

I now understand that my sticking my behind against the wall and sliding to the floor is considered falling. I do this about once every other week. So I do do what you would consider falling. I use walls for support as my balance is bad. I use my arms to contribute to balancing. I do not allow myself to outright fall if I can help it. I have been hurt in the past because of this. I ambulated around the unit on the seat of my rollator. I was never ambulatory while on Leland.

In the end—Complex Trauma and Complex PTSD are often misdiagnosed. It is unfortunate that the professional community continues to stall in developing positive treatments. These diagnoses were left out of the DSM this last round because there is a conundrum about them. These diagnoses are about what has been done to a patient, not about what resides inside the personality. The professional community does not want to accept that the mind can be broken in such a regard. We don’t call a broken leg a broken leg disorder. We splint it and fix it. Over with—done.

Can we reprogram neural pathways to not respond with fear? I don’t know. But fear is my greatest enemy. It can overwhelm me if I can’t escape. I have been suicidal daily since the age of nine. I simply don’t tell people because they become alarmed. A pill won’t fix this. And medications can do more harm than good as demonstrated by the carelessness of your staff. Death is my final escape plan. Nothing is impulsive about death for me. I always have a final escape plan. I combat this daily and am mostly successful. If I hadn’t been put on Aricept, this never would have happened.

When Complex PTSD (soon to be Complex PTSI, I hope) is finally understood and properly treated, survival rates will increase.

It is true I went to the Salem ED on December 31, 2016. I explained to a staff member I had PTSD, so she directed me to a smaller, more inclosed area to sit. I was grateful.

A homeless man was given a bus voucher and openly berated by staff, and I was horrified. The man was trying to get directions to a shelter (Lifebridge) in which a bed was waiting for him, and Salem ED staff directed him to stand at a bus stop and travel to Lynn. He sat over in the area I was in, and I found the address for him and called the shelter to confirm. It was in downtown Salem. Salem ED staff were sending him in the opposite direction. I realized his legs might be impaired, and suggested he take a cab to the location. He did.

But the attitude of the ED staff toward the less fortunate infuriated me, and I knew I was in trouble.

The last straw came when the same man—the receptionist (who had ruthlessly berated the homeless man) came over to our area and swept us all out of that safe place, saying that nobody could sit where we were sitting. We were to sit in the large open area stuffed with people. I was already on edge. A man whom I did not know didn’t even bother to check to see we had permission to sit there. He didn’t care.

I left, shoving an attitude towards the aggressor, calling him a jerk and he was a jerk. He hung his head a bit. But I had been triggered and knew I was losing it, so I went home rather than make a spectacle of myself. I felt I had no recourse. I was going to have a greater outburst if I stayed, and then the bed I had at McLean would disappear. They would stick me in their inadequate unit. I called McLean, and they urged me to go back in, but I couldn’t. I was exploding inside, and I didn’t want it to turn outward.

What is wrong with these people? They are taking this notion of “Behavioral Health” way too far. It’s as if the mentally discorded can be molded or medicated out of their distress. Leland Unit is a prime example of this. Their unwillingness to call in a trauma specialist was also a prime example. Trauma simply is not treated in your unit.

A few final notes:

On 1/5/17 I was given an injection of Geodon by staff in the ED. As I have said before, the combination of Geodon and Aricept can be fatal, and such a combination is decried.

CVS–a pharmacy–notes: “Severe Drug to Drug Interaction

Donepezil Hcl 10 Mg Tablet and Ziprasidone Hcl 40 Mg Capsule

Do not take these drugs together. Discuss possible alternative treatment options with your prescriber. Taking these drugs together can increase the risk of a dangerous change in heartbeat or heart rhythm. These changes may result in chest pain, dizziness, fainting or falling spells, palpitations, shortness of breath, or a change in your heartbeat (such as a fast or irregular heartbeat).”

Although I do not remember when my last dose of Aricept was given at that time, it takes sixteen days for Aricept to leave the body and this was just in the first few days. And now I see why my sugar boosted up so high on the unit. Fortunately, it decreased to my baseline following my hospitalization.

Also in the ED, I was offered Klonopin. I refused Klonopin because it is addictive, and there are many doctors that simply won’t prescribe it because of this. I requested my Gabapentin again, and I was refused again. Why stray from what works for me?

And they said in the records they gave me hot meals. They did not. I had to ask for something to eat. They only had sandwiches. I have documentation of this.

No one ever offered me transfer to Hill House at McLeans.

Instead they were seeking to take all my human rights and my life away with an Incompetency hearing; with the swipe of a pen With this document they could force the litany of listed drugs upon me, at a state institution for a nonexistent diagnosis. I suffer severe side effects to many of them and probably would not have survived. I certainly was correct in being terrified of these people.

Note that Bridgewater State Hospital was mentioned. It is primarily an institution for the criminally insane.

So I’m put on a drug which I start taking in September 2016. I take it religiously and end up with the following side effects:

feeling unwell (malaise),

appetite loss,

sleep problems (insomnia),

muscle cramps,

tiredness,

dizziness,

weakness,

itchy skin,

diarrhea.

And more

Severe insomnia contributes to suicidality. I end up in a loony bin run by lunatics whose answer is to take away my human rights and fill me with enough drugs to kill me. I have become extremely susceptible to side effects in my poor health and old age. Should I be angry?

I was finally taken off Aricept in May of 2017, by my new neurologist, because of the increasing severity of muscle spasms that caused me to scream in pain. I am slowly recovering from the drug over months and found some symptoms soon after stopping the drug. Diarrhea is gone. I am sleeping. The muscle spasms quickly recede. But the impact on my brain by a drug meant to impact the brain recedes ever so slowly. I am still recovering. My rule of thumb is that I was on the drug for eight months so that recovery could take eight months. I can only hope for full recovery with virtually no thanks to the medical community other than my neurologist.