Suicidal — April 8, 2008

I’m like everyone else; put enough crushing torrents of sorrowful actions and forces onto me, and my mind muses that perhaps there’s an easier way out of it all.

Granted, it’s obviously not been successful and I have no intentions of it being successful, but it does happen, even to me. I figured I’d mention this because sometimes people see me online, or in my presentations, or with my other projects, and they think that surely I have rage days but not suicidal days. Well I do. Far from each other, rare indeed, but there you go.

Many things ensure my continued existence, ranging from the trite to the fundamental.

For example, I’m very busy. Lots to do, lots to get done, a lot of people have given me stuff to work with and I’m not going to leave a big pile of their stuff in my office with a sign saying “Gone Fishin'”. I said I’d do it! I’m doing it!

Similarly, I have projects like my documentaries that I should really get cracking on. Leaving those half-shot means that, very likely, it’ll end up being Uwe Boll or Kevin Smith editing them and then where will we be?

Also, I’m quite aware of what a tragic thing it would be and it would cause a major disruption in schedules.

I can keep taking this tack forever, until I get to the more heartfelt stuff, but I very rarely need to. When even trite reasons seem pretty compelling, then it’s somewhat obvious I’m experiencing some sort of Despair Illusion, not unlike an Optical Illusion, where my natural despair seems to be deceptively infinite, a pool of horror and self-doubt that extends beyond forever. That’s terrifying and unsurmountable. But like I said, it’s always ended up being an illusion.

One good night’s sleep, one well-done song, one phone call or one hour-long spate of mouse-clicking later, and the insurmountable is merely Stupidly Large. A few more calls, songs or mouse clicking, and it’s just Needlessly Tragic. In a week, I forget what was so infinite. In a year, I remember that thing that got the ball rolling, and I feel a little sad.

I mention all this because if you’re some kid without the experiences I’ve had, and you’re that lost and sad and alone, you should probably be aware it happens to a lot of people, and it gets better. There’s stuff to do, so wail out the hardest of your despair and then give me a call. I need someone to help me with my projects, and a near-suicidal army of once-infinitely-sad fans would be just the trick.