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Thursday, March 10, 2011

To see. In all things.

4 days of pain. Two days without. Waking up to more pain when I thought it was now over. At least for a little while. I cry. Not so much from the pain but from frustration. A lump forms in my throat. Again, not from the pain but from that inward desire to be stronger. To be joyful in all things. I find those verses that have given me life before. Given me hope and rejuvenated my spirit. I pray asking for help. I count out all the things that I have carried in one short morning. Naomi's illness, extended family's needs and struggles- the things I stacked on my shoulders that now have me crawling on my knees. Weak.

I talk to a friend and become a deceiver. "How are you" she asks. Without a thought I quickly say "okay, how about you". The conversation moves on and the lump in my throat grows. I hang up and wonder why I do this. Why not seek community? With the exception of other chronic illness sufferers I have found that it just isn't polite to discuss my situation. It's too much for others to bear. To understand. I understand. I was there not too long ago. I didn't fully 'get' what a chronic illness can do. How it harms the body. And harms the soul. It's hard to put into words, really. I have found it is much harder to be real in this new life I lead. Not many people are up to hearing the truth when asking "how are you".

I read 1Thessalonians 5:18 "In every circumstance of life be thankful; for this is God's will in Christ Jesus respecting you." I find that God is kneading my soul, softly, gently. Like only He can. I find that this thankfulness is not about a feeling. Or emotion. It is about the choosing. In the dark. In the gloom. In the midst of the struggle and even in the pain. Choosing to be in line with God's will. Our faith in action, acknowledging that the circumstance is in His will. Seeing Him in the circumstance. If the circumstance means coming an inch closer to seeing Him I accept it. I embrace it and I see. Him in the midst of pain. In a card from my son, I see Him. In the kind words of my husband, in the hug from my sweet little girl, I see him. In a card from a friend I see His love for me. Him in the dark and in Him I have hope, I have courage, I have love.

Xiomara, your photographs are powerful, as are your words. I don't have chronic pain, but I do have chronic disease, and I know very well the dilemma of wishing to be honest but knowing most of those who ask don't want to know. In high school I developed my own system so that I could reply as honestly as possible without making people uncomfortable. When someone asks, "How are you?" if I reply, "I'm all right," that means I'm still breathing but I can't vouch for much more than that. If I reply, "Fine," it means I'm doing average for me but I wouldn't wish it on them. If I reply, "I'm doing very well," that means I'm actually having a good day. I realize it's basically a secret code, but it makes a difference for my mind. I also understand how things such as thankfulness and hope are not limited to feeling and may not include feeling. For me, thankfulness is intentionally seeing the workings of God in my life just as you have said, and hope is doing the next thing, or waiting for the next piece to the puzzle if it comes. Mostly, for me, hope is knowing God is sovereign. I wish you many days of doing very well!!!

Jenn and Wendy, thank you girls for faithfully being a support to me. I find that writting is really a healing thing and so have written, and written and written some more. Some I publish, others I keep private. This one, obviously I was in a lot of pain and having a hard day.

I hesitate posting these but I want my followers- whoever they may be- to see the real me. Not always the one with full faith but the one that is real, that struggles in my humanity. But that looks to God in the end knowing full well He is sovereign and He is good. ~Xiomara