Thursday, 20 April 2017

Ser Pounce explains current British Politics

[Ser Pounce-a-lot is a cat who earned his Knighthood defending his dim-witted sister, Cat-a-tonia from a bunch of ruffianly dogs. A feline of rare wit and sharp insight, he often condescends to share his wisdom with his human slave, Percy the Slacker (the man behind this blog). In an ongoing series, Ser Pounce's wisdom shall be presented in the form of conversations between him and his scribe, the aforementioned Percy. Below, is one such...]

“I have places to go and things to do, you
know, so if you can hurry it up a bit…”

“What places and what things?”

“The kitchen, to get you food.”

“Oh, yes, will cut it short then. You have to
go back to at least the Blair years. The years of sleazy, oily, Teflon-faced,
cat-hating Anthony Charles Lynton Blair…”

“Calm down, Ser Pounce, you’re hissing.”

“And well may I hiss! That warmongering,
fast-talking, George W Bush-loving…”

“Stop swiping your paw at imaginary Tony Blair
and get a move on, will you?”

“As I was saying -”

“Hissing.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, nevermind.”

“As I was saying, despite his all-round
horrible-ness, Blair presided over a period of economic growth and political
stability. He encouraged immigration, gave considerably autonomy to the Scots,
and laid out a vision of a multi-cultural Britain. In winning three consecutive
elections, he was helped by two factors – his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon
Brown, who presided over this economic boom, and a very incompetent Tory
leadership.”

“Yes, the Tories of the time were singularly
uncharismatic.”

“Even cats – and we are, as you know, staunch
Tories – could not get behind the likes of William Hague. In 2007, Blair
stepped down and Brown became Prime Minister. Unfortunately for him, barely a
year into his term, the economic crisis of 2008 happened, and that hit London
and the UK economy pretty hard.”

“Gordon Brown did have the ability to put
anyone to sleep so I don’t blame you, weak human that you are. So with the
economy tanking and given that he had not led an election campaign himself,
Brown came under pressure to call for elections.”

“Cameron played his cards well that time.”

“Yes, he was young, good-looking (for a human)
and took advantage of an undercurrent of resentment among the traditional
Conservative voter against Blair-era open borders and minority appeasement,
though in a very understated, classy way…”

David Cameron

“Like you elitist cats are wont to do.”

“Heh. Right.”

“You seem very smug about your villainy.”

“I’m a cat.”

“It’s hard to forget.”

“Cameron managed to win a large number of
seats, but not an absolute majority. This was unusual for the UK, unlike here,
and meant that the Tories had to cobble a coalition with the Liberal Democrats
and make Nick Clegg, a joke of a politician, his deputy.”

Nick Clegg

“I take it that’s Larry’s take on him?”

“Let us just say that Larry made a habit of
pooping in Clegg’s shoes whenever he visited the Prime Minster.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“The first Cameron term was generally
successful….”

“I can name a lot of people who disagree.”

“Are any of them cats?”

“No, humans, mostly.”

“Which says all I need to know about their opinions. Anyway, the economy
limped back to a measure of normalcy, and Scotland voted to stay within the UK,
both of which were seen as triumphs for Cameron.”

“Indeed, your education has been much marred
by your lack of intelligence. In modern English, it goes:

The
best laid schemes of mice and men

Go
often askew,

And
leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For
promised joy!

To make it more plain, Cameron, not being a
cat, and refusing to listen to Larry’s advice on the matter, decided to make up
for the moderate voters he knew he had lost by courting the far right in a
subtle way. Most importantly, he made a campaign promise that the Tories would
hold a #Brexit referendum, if they came back to power.”

“He did – he simply never thought he would
have to come through on that promise, because he expected he would have to form
a coalition government with the Lib Dems again, and Clegg and his party would
never let it come to a vote.”

“Whoa. But then the Tories did win a majority
on their own…”

“That’s right.”

“And then he had to hold the referendum, or be
considered a liar.”

“That’s right.”

The face of Michael Gove, also known as 'The Face you cannot resist punching if you try."

“And then #Brexit won, and he had to resign,
since he couldn’t fairly lead UK through a measure he had opposed so strongly.”

“That’s right.”

“And that gave them Theresa May.”

Theresa May

Theresa May, with mild assistance from Photoshop

“Yes, Theresa May, renowned cat-hater and doppelganger
of the Wicked Witch of the East.”

“That’s’ harsh.”

“We cats have no patience for Tories who don’t
like us. Even harsher on them than on Labour who, of course, are not expected
to know better.”

“Still, she’s in charge. Why the sudden snap
poll?”

“That’s her being the Wicked Witch of…I mean,
being a politician. You see, when Labour lost the 2015 election, they replaced
their leadership wholesale, and brought in Jeremy Corbyn, an old-style
labour-rabblerouser.”

Jeremy Corbyn

“In your opinion, that is.”

“Hey, the cap fits...but in any case, he's not the most likeable politician, even by British standards. Worse, he’s seen as being
as near commie as one can get without actually being commie, so moderates have
tended to drift away from Labour since 2015. It did not help his popularity
with non-Tories who opposed #Brexit that he was quite silent during the
campaign. So now, Tories are leading opinion polls by a 20-point margin.”

“Ah. And Theresa May saw an opportunity to
bury Labour deep.”

“Yes, and also consolidate her hold on power
till 2022. In normal circumstances she’d have to go up for re-election in 2020,
when UK would have been suffering from the bad effects of #Brexit.”

“While she can hope that by 2022 the economic
cycle might turn in their favour again?”

“Yes, it’s a methodology problem. The
pollsters do not survey household cats.”

“They only survey households? How silly of
them.”

“Absolutely.”

“Though cats don’t actually vote.”

“Shows how little you know. We influence the
outcome through the mild telepathic control we exercise over our humans.”

“I didn’t know you exercise…”

“…”

“So which way are the cats going to push the
vote?”

“We don’t know. It’s messy. Very messy. Some
cats are tempted to vote Labour just to make a point. Others are contemplating
voting Lib Dem though it feels like a wasted vote. Scottish cats will, of
course, vote for Sturgeon.”

“They will vote for the fish they want to eat?”

“Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the Scottish
National Party.”

Nicola Sturgeon (not an actual sturgeon)

“I stand duly chastened.”

“Well, don’t stand, go get me that chicken.”

“Yes yes, now if you’ll just switch to IPL…”

“Go away, I need some time to think.”

“Yes, but…IPL…”

“The future of politi-cats in UK is in the
balance and you think of IPL?”

“I’m sorry, Ser Pounce.”

“We are on the brink of serial political disasters
that could leave the world on the brink of collapse. Now go get that food-bowl.”

“I’m going, I’m going, but aren’t you laying
it on a bit thick?”

“I’m not. Three words – Trump, Modi and Erdogan.
Now go lay a thick layer of chicken on that bowl.”

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About Me

Percy Slacker was bitten by Schrodinger’s Cat as a child, and has since then combined a deep fear of cats with an
abiding conviction that he both exists and does not exist at the same
time. This existential doubt has led him
to grow up to be a writer while not actually being a writer.

He lives in Mumbai with his family, his book collection and a firm
conviction that modern civilization is in an interminable decline.