Sunday, January 17, 2010

Barbie Watch, Postseason Week 2

Every week, Chris and Alex follow the antics of former first round pick Robert "Bobby" Carpenter. This week, we follow Dallas to the land of blonde hair and blue eyes-- Southlake? No, Minnesota, home of the Vikings. Can Dallas advance to the NFC Championship game? Action occurs in Minnesota at Metroplex Standard Time.

11:48 pm: Fox just capped out a crazy, national recognition laden week for the Bobcat and his two fumble recoveries. Big-Head Bobby, because of his newfound fame, has outfitted his iHelmet with laser pointers and bicycle bells.

12:07 pm: 1 Smiles Austin.

12:08 pm: 2 Smiles Austin on 3rd and inches. First down Dallas.

12:10 pm: 3 Smiles Austin. This is gonna be a big day for him.

12:14 pm: Romo fumbles the ball and Dallas turns it over. Just like a punt Worse than a punt.

12:17 pm: Brett Favre tastes some glad-WARE. 4th down and a punt looming.

12:19 pm: Back in Big Ten country, Bobby begins waving his Ohio State schwag in the air at disheartened Golden Gopher fans. He then slips a Jim Tressel "OSU Alumni" sweatervest over his jersey and looks over Demarcus' shoulder at photos from the last series.

12:23 pm: 4 Smiles Austin on the tip. Cowboys are getting VERY lucky on this drive. Meanwhile, JaMarcus is back in a number 4 Suisham Jersey. Bobby is happy, but the Cowboys seem a bit intimidated. JaMarcus runs back to the sidelines for a quick cuddle and some encouraging ear-nibbles from the Bobcat.

12:30 pm: Gerald Sensabaugh almost deserves an iHelmet for that play on Sidney Rice. He had perfect coverage and just decided not to turn around to look for the ball. TD Minnesota and the Cowboys Woes of old seem to be creeping back.

12:35 pm: One box of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:40 pm: 5 Smiles Austin. Wow.

12:41 pm: Two boxes of Papa John's pizza for Martellus.

12:42 pm: Choicecat I

12:43 pm: 3rd and goal following the sack and there is some miscommunication. JaMarcus Suisham back on the field and he makes this one. Bobby is seen on the sideline jumping for joy, and then opens a tin of dip to re-charge the defense. Brooking takes the entire tin and shoves it in his lip. Bobby, shocked, looks around for another tin, while the defense trots on to the field. JaMarcus then offers some encouraging ear nibbles and Bobcat feels better.

12:51 pm: A Bobcat down, and Brooking jumps offsides. That tin is making him a little antsy. Bobby does a quick "told you so" dance. Jenkins follows quickly with some incomplete hands.

12:53 pm: Bobby knows his former-BFF, AJ Hawk, is watching this game. What better way to make AJ miss what he once had than with a huge sack? Bobby races into Favre's field of vision, but Favre completes it anyway.

12:54 pm: Mike Jenkins incomplete hands.

12:56 pm: Dallas gets some pressure on Favre, but can't finish. Favre connects with Sidney Rice for his second touchdown of the day, and the Vikings lead 14-3.

Meanwhile, Wade puts on his sunglasses. He lost his Oakley pair, so all he has left are novelty jumbo 2010 glasses from New Year's Eve.

1:02 pm: Jared Allen, powered by the douchiness of his #69 jersey, strips the ball from Tony Romo. Allen then walks over to the Minnesota sideline, cracks open a Monster energy drink, begins reading a Maxim instead of studying plays, and asks girls in the crowd to make out.

1:09 pm: Dallas is panicking. Minnesota converts the turnover into three more points. Vikings lead, 17-3.

1:15 pm: Minnesota's Douchebag D contains Dallas yet again. Jimmy Kennedy changes his name to Jamie Kennedy Experiment after the Cowboys punt. Jared Allen's tribal tattoo begins to glow-- somewhere, nearby, two college girls are making out. Allen crawls into the stands to find the couple.

1:21 pm: Barbie is in on the Favre sack and then has to hold a Cowboy back from jawing in the face of Vikings. Holding the Cowboy back is just a nice perk from hugging a teammate. In that order.

HALFTIME. Minnesota 17, Dallas 3.

1:44 pm: 1st Bobbydown of the half, and the Vikings are forced to punt after some VERY GENEROUS calls for Dallas. Punt is away, but there is a flag. We may re punt.

1:52 pm: Three boxes of pizza for Martellus, but this one sucked.

1:54 pm: JaMarcus Suisham back on the field for another miss. Offseason goal: FIND A DAMN FIELD GOAL KICKER.

1:57 pm: Mike Jenkins throws some incomplete hands followed by a holding call on JAY RATLIFF? Here is our clunker of the year. And just when things can't seem to get much worse, AJ Hawk strolls down the ramp into the Cowboys sideline, and sees some interracial ear nibbling, and stares aghast at the Bobcat.

2:06 pm: AJ Hawk, still stunned at the sight of this interaction between Jamarcus and Bobby, approaches Bobby on the sideline.

AJ: Robert! What the hell is going on here?

Bobby: AJ! I didn't know you'd be here!

(Bobby knew.)

Jamarcus: Why don't you just tell him, Bobby? He might as well know now.

Bobby: Well, AJ, you're so far away now, up in Wisconsin, and I don't think I can do the long-distance thing anymore when you don't keep in touch. I know you've been busy, but Jamarcus and I share a bond, and he makes time for me. I just figured you were best friends with Clay Matthews now... and you didn't want me as your best friend anymore.

Jamarcus: The heart wants what the heart wants. Plus, we weren't going to the playoffs or anything, so I had a lot of free time.

AJ: What do your parents think about this, Robert?

Bobby: Well, after the Thanksgiving game against the Raiders, I brought Jamarcus home. They know. They've accepted us. Why can't you?

TO BE CONTINUED.

2:19 pm: Tony Romo is doing his best Brett Favre impression here today and is just giving the game away, as Favre was apt to do. Romo looks at the cameras and feigns dispair, but then winks at Favre as to say, "Now you go get that Super Bowl, big guy."

2:28 pm: Jerry Jones, after spotting AJ Hawk on the sidelines, rushes down to see what the hubbub is all about. Realizing there is not one but TWO players from other teams sitting on his bench, he becomes enraged. SCREAMING, security escorts a cat-fighting JaMarcus and AJ off the field while Jerry, red-faced, scrambles about the sideline looking for his "Blonde Bomber."Bobcat is seen by some minnesota fans stealing the Viking mascot's horn-hat and hiding out behind the goalposts.

2:37 pm: Sidney Rice has just Randy Moss'd the Cowboys with his 3rd touchdown of the day over our best corner, Mike Jenkins. Dave Campo is seen screaming, and throwing incomplete hands in Jenkins face. Newman sticks his tongue out and screams, "How does it feel, jerk?"

2:52 pm: Did you know the Vikings human mascot has unrestricted access to the Vikings locker room? Bobby kidnaps the mascot and switches outfits. Bobby uses his new disguise and iHelmet's voice-modification app to sneak into the locker room and urinate in every single pair of shoes in the room. Payback. Sweet payback.

Meanwhile, an unconscious, slightly overweight, balding man in a Dallas Cowboys #54 uniform is slumped over in-place on the bench. No one notices the change, except Jamarcus, who is watching from a holding cell in Minneapolis.

3:00 pm: Dallas goes down in Minnesota, 34-3.

We got more than we expected from the Cowboys this year, and so we look forward to the 2010 season with greater goals and a higher standards. And Vikings, look forward to that foot fungus courtesy Barbie.