Cats hold lead over men on Valentine’s

Thursday

Feb 14, 2013 at 6:00 AM

Dianne Williamson

Today is Valentine’s Day. Women know this already, but I thought male readers could use a heads up so they can race to the nearest candy store, jeweler or florist. If you’re buying for me, I suggest a Lexus dealership. Or, if you feel like sleeping on the couch tonight, you could always post a tacky “$1 Valentine’s cookie” on your loved one’s Facebook page and leave it at that.

But please, guys, don’t buy anything dumb. Flowers are nice and jewelry is welcome, as long as it’s not the same silver necklace I received some years ago from a former boyfriend. This pendant was shaped like a human hand forming an “I love you” message in sign language, for reasons that escape me to this day. It was hideous and I hated to wear the thing, especially after a college professor noticed it and asked what it meant. Red-faced, I told him.

“Your boyfriend is a deaf mute?” he inquired politely. He wasn’t. He was just bad at choosing jewelry. The necklace went back. Weeks later, so did the boyfriend.

Many women have similar stories about bad boyfriends and bad gifts. Maybe that’s why, according to a recent survey by Petplan Pet Insurance, most females favor their pets over their paramours. Granted, this is an utterly biased survey designed to garner free media exposure for Petplan, but I believe it anyway because it contains many numbers and statistics.

According to the online survey of 4,300 American pet owners, 66 percent of women “said they’d rather receive Valentine’s kisses from their four-legged friends than their two-legged sweethearts.” Granted, 66 percent of these women didn’t utter that sentence in unison, but you get the idea. Felines are in. Fiancés, not so much.

Also according to the survey, 67 percent of female pet owners would end a relationship with a significant other if their partner clashed with their pet, and nearly 60 percent of women plan to spend more on their pets than on their lovers today.

Men, on the other hand, picked their human partners over their pets in every category. This is probably because men cannot have sex with four-legged animals, at least not without many stiff cocktails and a bottle of chloroform.

Now, some years ago I would have scoffed at the notion that any woman would dump a partner for a pet, but that was when I was young and idealistic and in love several times over. Today, I have a cat. Her name is Morgan and I hesitate to boast like an obnoxious pet owner, but Morgan is easily the most beautiful feline who ever walked the face of the Earth since cats were invented by the early Egyptians. She’s a black smoke Persian and I named her after the sorceress sister of King Arthur. And to those pet lovers who are appalled that I didn’t adopt a mangy one-eyed rescue cat from an animal shelter, get over it. It’s my right. Move on.

Anyway, Morgan is an awesome life partner. She doesn’t complain when I come home late and never judges my bad habits. She lets me watch “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” without grousing about culture going to hell in a handbasket. She has never once suggested couples counseling. I know she’ll always be faithful, because she never leaves the house. Best of all, thanks to Morgan I have no in-laws.

Granted, Morgan is a cat, so what she lacks in warmth she makes up for in aloofness. And she’s a Persian cat, which makes her impervious to any attempts at friendship or camaraderie. Morgan’s favorite hobby is waiting until I’m settled on the couch with a glass of wine, and then sauntering over to the cocktail table, bored, to knock it over with her paw. Morgan’s insolence knows no bounds, because she’s gorgeous and can get away with it. In that respect, my cat is the feline equivalent of a 25-year-old blonde with large breasts.

Still, I love my cat and admire her haughtiness. But she won’t be among the 54 percent of pets who will get a new toy today, according to Petplan’s survey. She’s a cat, after all, and cannot read a calendar. We pamper our pets, but there are limits.

And not everyone agrees with the Petplan survey, according to an informal poll I conducted while dining with a single girlfriend at Piccolo’s.

“I love my cat,” she said. “But I’d toss his ass out in the snow for the right guy.” She’s either a realist or a hopeless romantic.

I realize that professing love for a feline feeds into the stereotype of the middle-aged woman with her cat. But that stereotype is outdated, because cats have become cool and are everywhere on the Internet — chilling, playing the flute, programming DVDs, etc.

Besides, Morgan may be just a dumb animal, but I’m content in the knowledge that she would never buy me a sign language pendant.