‘82 Date Night Created to Boost Marriage Statistics – Jonny Gonzalez

Adam Falk has been adamant that he stands on no particular side when controversy tarnishes this campus. That all changed this year. “Bloomberg, the hate crimes, the infamous cereal fiasco. All nothing compared to the shocking news I just discovered. Our alumni marriage statistics are at an all time low!” After the discovery that Ephs don’t actually marry other Ephs at a rate of 40%, Falk has spearheaded the movement to get numbers back up. “There were several proposals at first. I even suggested utilizing my signature move – having a forum on the topic. In the end we decided the best option was Date Night at our swankiest establishment, the ‘82 Grill.”

Indeed, the ‘82 Grill is without a doubt the perfect venue for romance. Numerous (by which I mean 4) couples have booked their Thursday nights at the Grill since the start of Date Night. I was able to get in touch with one frosh shortly after her dinner. “It was perfect! I mean, sure, some drunk guy stole our pizza, but overall I can tell he really likes me. I think we’re doing Tunnel City next week.”

It is hard to tell this early in the process but Falk seems optimistic about the initiative. “If this doesn’t work then I’ll resign as President. I can’t accept this kind of failure under my watch. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just a romantic.”