September 13, 2006

I used to be a bubble wrap junkie, someone who releases stress and can't pass up the opportunity to squeeze those little bubbles. It's not so much the sound that I find feeds my addiction as much as it is the sensation of the pop when I squeeze. There's some kind of release, finality and a certain sense of closure that comes with realizing that all the bubbles on the page are gone. It's as if while mutilating the sheet we feed some sadistic/destructive tendencies within our selves and the only consequence to our behavior is a lifeless, deflated piece of plastic that we toss into the trash. We don't think twice about the object. We have released without consequence.

I wish life were that way, ya know? That we could squeeze something strong enough to make it pop and when we're finished releasing all the goody out of it - just discard it to the trash without consequence. The deflated piece of plastic gone and forgotten. It's the forgotten part that I long for the most.....having the object (or emotional experience in some cases) move out with the discarding into the trash. I long for a time when experiences don't take up space in my soul and I can finally release them to be gone forever.

Some call it forgiveness. Some call it acceptance. I call it life.

These days I'm doing a good bit of personal housekeeping of the soul. My soul. I'm trying to take inventory and some of this emotional work is very difficult for me. I need miles and miles of bubble wrap.

I'm not in a bad place, so to speak.....just in a difficult place.

So in the spirit of sharing - and because you may need some extra bubble wrap today (or another time in the future), I offer you this.

September 05, 2006

We all have them. Some are ones of thanksgiving, some of petition. Some plain, some laced with that familiar drama of the day/week. Some are for ourselves, some involve those we love or those we know. Some are for people that we don't know but for whom we feel an emotional connection. Some involve illness or injury and some involve wellness and health. Some are superficial and some are deep to the bone important. Some are answered in line with our will but all are eventually answered according to God's will.

I've been praying a lot lately.....not because anything's necessarily wrong but because I'm keenly aware of late just how much I have to be thankful for in my life. I continue to struggle with some emotional issues that are unresolved and the ongoing situation with my feet continues to worsen but above those challenges and difficulties - I remain happier and more content than ever in my life and with my life. I've spent the past 3 days in bed with a nasty cold but that time hasn't been without thought and reflection and prayer.

I've been reflecting on our journey with our home this past 12 months. It was one year ago these next 2 weeks that we closed on our house and began the transformation from house to home. There is still much to be done but the progress that we've made thus far is staggering and impressive. [it's only a few more weeks before the bulb planting can begin...I'm picturing what the areas will look like and how I'm going to arrange the bulbs when I plant them. I'm awaiting the arrival of over 200 bulbs to go in the front corner bed....the anticipation is titillating :) ]

I've been reflecting on my relationship with my hubby and how much I simply adore him and the way that he loves me. I've thought about how we came to be together and how we are living out in a day to day way the simplicity of "God's Plan B".

My business continues to blossom and prosper and the women that I'm meeting and the relationships that we're building are a continual source of blessings and success for everyone involved. Isn't it interesting that 8 months ago I was doing nothing with my business and now, I'm less than 60 days from promoting to a Director with our company and I'm earning an income that surpasses what many of my friends earn with their college degrees and 60-hour work weeks. The neat part? I'm still not working more than about 10-15 hours each week. I'm still having fun and I'm still growing.

Despite the challenges with all four of my children - they continue to remain healthy and strong. Big Brother is adjusting and thriving in his Pre-K program. We are continuing to receive positive comments from the therapists that are working with him. Little Sister absolutely LOVES her Mother's Morning Out times on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. [I might add that mommy and daddy love this time too since we have a standing date on at least 2 of those mornings to do nothing but spend time together, skin to skin with no outside distractions.....you get the picture, right?] Biggest Sister - A is settling into this semester and beginning to hunker down with economics, calculus AND accounting. M is into band practice, school and the health scare is at bay for now.

We've found a church where we're regularly attending worship and which we've moved our membership. We feel at home there and experience the give and take of ministry each week in various activities and among everyone that we interact with. We worship among black/white/hispanic, heterosexual/homosexual, male/female, married/single, parents/childless, young/old, all talented and gifted in some special way - all experiencing God's blessings of community, all loved and sharing that love. I really can't articulate how fresh and on what spiritual level this kind of community is operating. I just know that I feel at home and I sense the presence of God everywhere among these people.

I realize I don't blog as much as I used to. Some days it matters and I think of things I want to share but the time runs out and other commitments rally for my time and attention. Some days I think it doesn't matter one bit and I could just go quietly into the blog sphere and the ripple would fade. I recognize that my commitment to post is falling lower and lower. I don't know where this blog will lead to - but for now I share when I'm prompted. I recently read a post on Raindrops blog about the Septembers in our lives and I realized that most all of the pivotal ingredients of my life have happened in the month of September. I've conceived children in that month, I've filed for divorce in that month, I've buried friends in that month, I've purchased a home in that month, I've prepared for birth in that month......there's more to the list but time is growing short and the day is about to begin in our house.....

Prayers....I've got 'em. Most are filled with thanksgiving for the September of my life.