Beka is my boyfriend’s wife, and the girls are their children. I met her husband, Josh, the summer before, on Mother’s Day, which coincided with their 12th wedding anniversary. Beka had shooed him out of the house to host a mother-daughter tea, and he appeared in the seat next to me at a neighborhood bar. He says it was love at first sight, while I thought he was just another sexy married guy — strictly off limits.

Over the next two months, as I cycled in and out of tumultuous relationships, he kept popping up. Occasionally we would wave across a coffee shop or exchange a few words on the street. One day he took a seat next to me at another bar, where we joined in the happy-hour conversation about politics and sex.

When he left to pick up his children, I wasn’t surprised when he said, “Can I see you again?”

I thought: “Just another creep trying to fool around behind his wife’s back.” But I agreed to meet him again, mostly because it was easier than explaining why I wouldn’t and because I was certain I would never have an affair with him.

I was wrong about Josh. He wasn’t a creep or even a cheater. He was a man who loved his children more than anything. Josh and Beka were a powerhouse couple — affluent, attractive, highly educated, generous — and the backbone of upper-middle-class respectability developing in my bohemian neighborhood. They had married in their 20s because they got along, had a lot in common (both are lawyers) and the timing was right; many of their friends were tying the knot. Twelve years in, their marriage seemed to be compatible and right. But it was a union of practicality more than passion, and Josh was miserable. He didn’t think he had any right to be miserable, but he was.

As we spent more time together, everything about our relationship felt natural. There was no imbalance in our love for one another, and we shared the same values and sense of humor. It turns out that Josh’s refusal to calculate — and my distrust in my ability to calculate — led us to the best decision of our lives: to do what it would take to be together. But that meant inflicting undeserved pain on others.

You can all read the rest. Basically, this is a fifteen-hundred word rationalization/humblebrag. The best part – to me at least – is how the ex-wife is all, “You want to write about this and humiliate yourself? Sure! GO RIGHT AHEAD, BESTIE!” I don’t know what to think of the ex-wife, as I can’t imagine ever being friends with the woman who had been sleeping with my husband behind my back. I want to say she is crazy as a fox, biding her time until she can do a Jennifer Aniston.

Eventually, those young children will grow up and figure out (thanks to Google) that this new step-mom they love so much was actually the other woman. The author is delusional if she thinks she’ll be able to talk them through that and convince them love is love and the heart wants what the heart wants and such nonsense. She’s also delusional if she doesn’t realize that Josh’s attention and affection was a product of his wanderlust. There was likely nothing wrong with his marriage at all, hence his ex-wife’s shock when he told her he wanted a divorce. It seems to me that Josh, man-child that he is, simply got bored. Which means he likely will get bored again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. ThatJosh told his ex-wife about his affair proves he’s an insensitive, thoughtless douchebag. Keep that to yourself, you ass. There’s no need to add insult to injury.

Now let’s talk about the author. I couldn’t figure out what was off about this essay until I’d read it a few times. What’s off is the author’s distorted perception of reality and naivete. She blames her history of bad relationships on her mental illness but assures everone she finally got her meds right this time, lest anyone think she’s crazy. She also truly believes she and Beka are friends. If Beka were truly her friend, she’d have told the author not to write the essay. Instead, Beka encouraged her, even gave her blessing. Why? So the author would humiliate herself.

The author sees Josh as a victim, blind to the reality that Josh is just a selfish guy who felt like having sex with someone new. His marriage to Beka had gotten stale, a fault of both Josh and Beka, and they drifted apart. Nobody can truly be blindsided by their spouse’s request for a divorce. For that to happen, the shocked partner has to be egregiously unplugged from their relationship. Beka never even suspected another woman could be involved? How is that possible? Wouldn’t that be the first thing that comes to your mind if you spouse asked for a divorce out of the blue? Someone – more likely all three players – aren’t telling the truth. All three of these people are wearing masks to hide what’s underneath. This whole twisted triangle is built on lies and delusion. Here’s what it all boils down to: Bekah gave Josh up without a fight, it seems. That speaks to her own investment in the marriage. Bekah and Josh had both gotten bored, Josh just pulled the trigger first. Now Bekah gets to lay claim to the moral high ground while acting like she’s putting her kids first. And…scene.

All that said, I can’t bring myself to hate on the author. If anything, I feel bad for her. She’s justifying Josh’s behavior, saying he’s not really a cheater but rather a guy caught between a rock and a hard place. She can’t face the reality that she got involved with a married man, a man who probably fed her a bogus story to avoid looking like an entitled creep. She thinks Beka is her friend, but behind the scenes you know Beka is cackling at the author’s decision to go public with this.

Here’s the thing: it ain’t easy being forty and alone. It’s not. I would love to write some rah-rah speech about having your freedom and screwing whomever you want – and those moments do exist – but they are usually wedged between moments of crushing loneliness and frustration. The fact that the author got involved with a married man is not what I side-eye, it’s that she wrote about it. She thinks she’s achieved something special, a level of open-mindedness and maturity. She’s trying to find the silver lining of this situation and use it to defend what she did. Let’s get one thing straight: people who say they would “never” do something are usually the people who commit those very acts. She would never get involved with a married man…until she did. That’s not how never works. As humans, we make decisions based not on our values, but our options. I would love to say I would never get involved with a married man, but I’m mature enough to know that a lot of that hangs on where I’m at my head in that moment. Loneliness is awful. It can feel bottomless at times. Nobody likes to admit it, but when we’re overcome with that numbing ache in the pits of our stomachs, an hour or two with someone that isn’t ours can be what gets us through. As eye-roll-y as I find this author, I sympathize with her. No, not because I’ve ever caved and been with a married man, but because I understand the feeling of isolation that could drive a person (man or woman) to it.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

]]>http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/26/can-anyone-ever-truly-break-up-a-marriage/feed/42Should She Keep Hooking-Up With The Guy In Her Office?http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/21/should-she-keep-hooking-up-with-the-guy-in-her-office/
http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2017/11/21/should-she-keep-hooking-up-with-the-guy-in-her-office/#commentsTue, 21 Nov 2017 16:14:01 +0000http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/?p=109407

Name: LeynaQuestion: I am a straight woman who is fuck buddies with my hot, younger male coworker (30). The sexual tension between us was out of control until we stayed late one night last week and screwed on the desk. Since that night, we’ve hooked up a few more times.

Problem is – and there always is one – that he has a live- in girlfriend. He told me they are in an open relationship so being with me isn’t cheating. As per their arrangement, he won’t tell her about me but if she finds out he won’t lie.

How do I know if he’s telling me the truth or if he is saying these things just so I’ll sleep with him? She comes to work events with him and I feel guilty because she is a sweet woman who obviously adores him.

Also, being coworkers adds another layer of issues as we could get caught. We are peers but I’ve been at the company longer. We are both well-liked and respected.

Sex between us is amazing and because we don’t have much else in common (He shows up at work a lot with a hangover and I’m usually in bed by 10) so I would never consider him romantically. I’d love to keep seeing him for sex but I’d feel bad if I helped him hurt someone else.Age: 50

Ugh. Okay. So much to unpack.
First, let’s address the open relationship thing. I absolutely believe that there are couples that engage in ethical non-monogamy and that it can work. I also believe there are a lot of couples out there in “open” relationships that are really just situations where one partner doesn’t want to be exclusive and so the other partner agrees to look the other way. I don’t know which one this is, but if he cared at all about her, he wouldn’t be desk-banging a co-worker and then bringing his girlfriend around said co-worker. That’s sick.

The only way you’ll know if he’s telling the truth is if you go to the girlfriend. That’s it. He will never tell you the truth because he will always cover his ass first, fuck you and fuck his girlfriend. This is not a man or woman thing, this is a human nature thing. We will always look out for ourselves. Personally, I wouldn’t bother getting her approval and risk the possibility of upending her life, your life, and possibly your career by saying anything. I would leave well enough alone, thank God you haven’t gotten caught, and pray he keeps his mouth shut.

“I’m not going to lie if she asks” = “I don’t really care if I hurt her.” Just FYI.

Now let’s talk about the professional ramifications of this. Girl, get it together. This is your career we’re talking about. No guy is worth risking your job and your credibility at your office. This gets out and you’re going to be that desperate older woman and he’s going to get high-fives from his bros in accounting. Forget about the cultural moment we’re having. It will be a long, long time before women aren’t the ones judged more harshly in these situations. In general, these workplace escapades need to go entirely. At this point, sexual innuendo and flirting has no place in the office. That stuff has been going on for too long and everybody has considered it acceptable because their cousin’s roommate’s sister met her husband that way. If you meet someone and there’s a genuine connection, then you both need to discuss who is going to find a new job and then do it. As women, we have got to lead by example, and that means not engaging in sexual anything with co-workers. It means being consistent and deeming all overtures from work peers as inappropriate and not just overtures from people you don’t find attractive.

You’re 50 years old. You think you’re going to have an easy time of it should things get dicey at your office and you have to leave? Think again. And let me tell you something: if you think there aren’t men out there dying to pin some sexual misconduct accusations on women, think again. Sure, this may have been consensual, but you have no idea what this turd will say should this ever come to light. If he even remotely feels threatened, he could turn this around on you.

Now let’s address why you did this. Lady, I get it. It’s hard to be alone. Going without affection and touch and feeling desired is unbearable at times. Sometimes I feel like my chest is caving in when I think about the upcoming holidays that – more than likely – I will spend alone once again. I’m not going to tell you how to process those feelings because I’ve been there and I’ve made similar decisions. Sometimes you just want – even need – some glimmer of something to hold on to and get you through. The price we pay for loneliness is not nearly as profound or costly as the price we pay for surrendering to the loneliness. In the moment, it feels good to be wanted. But then they will leave and you’ll be sitting there wondering, “What about me?” That loneliness will now be compounded by shame.

I know how the feelings of isolation and rejection can get to you, but you have to believe. I say this through tears and gritted teeth. You have to believe. You have to keep going even when you think all is lost and you should just give up. Feelings aren’t fact. You must pick yourself up and keep going, even when you don’t want to. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. This time of year sucks fro some of us. Hell, I’m sure it sucks for some people in relationships, too. But it’s temporary. Remember that. At any moment things can change. That’s the beauty of all of this. In an instant the trajectory of your life can change.

Fuck this guy. Do not continue to let him have his cake and eat it, too. If he respected his open-relationship girlfriend he wouldn’t have sex with someone he knows she might have to interact with at work functions. Here’s something that might drive this point home further: G***** fed me the same line about he and his live-in girlfriend being non-monogamous. (I know the LW.) You know my history with him and what an abusive person he turned out to be.

We’ll review your profile/bio together via teleconference line and I’ll identify any red flags or tweaks that need to be fixed. Then we’ll go over the basics: photo selection; which search filters work best; message writing; setting up the first date. I’ll also teach you how to analyze potential date’s profiles and messaging habits so you can spot the time-wasters. Book a Session

Name: Nicole:Question: I have been dating a man for almost 2.5 years. We’ve had two breaks in our relationship that lasted less than 3 weeks. The question I have is: this man knows I am in a financial strain right now. I get paid based on commission and when he first met me I was doing well. He does pay for everything when we go out and will spend money on trips/vacations for us. So, when it is good for him, he will spend the money. I have given hints of “I really don’t know how am going to make it thru this next pay period” and my brakes just went out…nothing.. He has the money so it is not a financial thing for him.. My X-husband – when we dated would never want me to worry about anything and would just offer – even if we just to put gas in my car.. Is this something I can change about him or is it worthless.

I just want him to offer… I don’t need a man to support me always financially – but, I want to know he is there to help when needed..

PS – when we have had serious conversations about the future and marriage he states “You will not have to work”Age: 48

Two things jump out at me when reading this letter.

I have given hints of “I really don’t know how am going to make it thru this next pay period” and my brakes just went out…nothing..

My Dad had zero patience for pretense. If I ever needed money the worst thing I could do is hint at being broke. My father didn’t respect that kind of approach. He felt it was an insult to his intelligence. You’re a forty-eight year old woman. If you need help from your partner ask him for it. That doesn’t guarantee that he’ll give it to you but it’s worth a shot. If he’s like most people he’ll appreciate the straight-forward approach.

He has the money so it is not a financial thing for him.

This right here? This is why I believe he’s not offering. It’s not your place to presume what he can or can not afford. Unless you and he share a home or other expenses you know nothing about his financial situation. That sort of entitlement is a turn-off. He might feel as though he’s not responsibile for your financial situation until you two are officially sharing expenses. Keep in mind that he’s not wrong for having that opinion. Paying for dates and whatnot is one thing. Remember, that’s a societal expectation. He’s used to that. Paying your bills is a whole other story. If he’s not using your car regularly your brakes are your responsibility. Maybe he wants to draw that line.

I don’t need a man to support me always financially – but, I want to know he is there to help when needed..

Is he there for you emotionally? Does that not count as much as financially? If so, you need to ask yourself why. I understand why you’re miffed at him about this. I know that it hurts me when my sisters hear me struggling and don’t offer some kind of assistance, emotional or otherwise. I say ask him for the money and see what he says. Like most of the questions submitted to this site the solution is usually to advocate for yourself and see where the chips fall.

I hate being unmatched on Tinder. Hate it. You get the little push notification of a mutual match, you swipe on it to get to your inbox annnnddd….they’re gone. The only worse feeling is getting the match notification, giving it a few minutes to allow them the time to swipe through your photos and unmatch you, and not only do they not unmatch you but they message you. You’re in the clear right?

Wrong.

This happened yesterday. He messaged me immediately. I replied right back. He responded an hour later. I waited awhile then responded to him, saying I liked his bio and photos. Then…nothing. This morning I woke up to learn he’d unmatched me.

My bio includes my work info (Creator of BuffsandBrainiacs.com) and I link to my Instagram (which includes links to all my sites) so they could see more photos. Maybe that’s it? Or maybe it’s not? Or maybe I’m just over thinking all of this? I definitely have moments of feeling unpolished, like what I do for a living isn’t impressive enough.

Ooh, you write a blog. How fascinating and original. And look, you run a little website. How charming. A novel? Have you been published yet. Well, I’m sure your book is riveting! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m the CEO of a tech start-up. I’m very busy.

People at the gym ask me what I do for a living. I tell them I run a specialty events service and they say, “Do you do anything or just that?” They don’t ask it in a pointed way. I think in Manhattan being a multi-hyphenate is a thing. Whatever the case, it leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy. I don’t lead an exciting, travel-filled life. I work seven days a week; I write; I work out 2 hours a day; I occasionally go to events to network. I’m boring, you guise. I’m boring and unsophisticated.

On top of that, I’m not conventionally attractive. I mean, I’m pretty, but for Manhattan I am average. Pushing fifty with wild curls and a size ten body. (Okay fine, twelve-ish is more accurate.) Nobody could ever say I lack self-awareness. that’s for sure. I am starkly aware of where I fit on the food chain. Maybe too much so. I look at photos and think, “Not bad.” Then I post them to a profile and see all my flaws: the big forehead; the thick unruly hair; the passable-but-not-great body. A lot of that, I think, is depression-related. The things I say to myself are words I wouldn’t spew at my worst enemy. For me, there’s never a “good day” with depression, one where I feel one-hundred percent confident at all times. That rush of power – where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a guy thinks I’m sexy – comes in waves. I never allow myself to get too excited. In fact, I punish myself for doing so. It ain’t pretty, folks.

I happen to disagree. I think a woman at the gym who sweats so much her mascara smudges is sexy as fuck. But then, I’m a woman. I replied to her tweet and asked her to present a case to support that thought. No response. I’ll just say this and move on: the only people who notice (and judge) a woman wearing make-up at the gym is other women.

Anywhoo.

Look, I realize I’m forty-eight years old and therefore don’t have as many options as some other women but…I’m not ready to settle. I look at men online and go through my likes and messages and think, “These men have to be kidding. Have they seen the sun recently?” Then a stern voice intrudes and says, “Who do you think you are?” Women in my position are supposed to be grateful for what they can get, right? I don’t go for young or even younger than me guys. I don’t go for finance dudes or lawyers or anyone who works in any kind of status-associated field. I don’t (often) message or swipe right on conventionally attractive men. In other words, I stay in my lane.

This is my eternal struggle. I vacillate between feeling less than and more than enough. And I don’t know what to do about it or how much longer I can pull it off.

Now, I don’t disagree with the premise of this article. People in New York City can be shallow as fuck. I’ve often complained about never feeling good enough for the men on Bumble and OKCupid. But I’ve also said, time and again, that there are just some men I will never pull, and that’s okay.

For Zoë Barry, feeling attractive in New York was an impossible feat. The 32-year-old, who grew up in Stuy Town and attended an all-girls private school, says her self-esteem was slowly sapped by the city’s sky-high beauty standards. “As a woman, you’re never enough,” says the sporty 5-foot-6 CEO. “I was never tall enough or slim enough. It grates on you after a while — that pressure to be a walking mannequin.”

So Barry pulled a confidence-boosting move that more and more New Yorkers are considering lately: She fled NYC for a city that actually appreciates her.

Soon after, Barry, who had been working on Wall Street, decamped for Breckenridge, Colo., where she became a “ski bum.” A flood of male attention quickly followed. “All of a sudden I was the belle of the ball,” she says. “In Colorado, it was like, ‘Look at her!’ In New York, I couldn’t find a nice guy anywhere.”

Ah, yes. The “I couldn’t find a nice guy anywhere” line. I will once more say that I agree that – when it comes to dating – Manhattan can be competitive and soul-crushing. It’s very difficult to confront the reality that you are no longer in demand like you once where. But confront it you must. From where I sit, Barry’s problem was two-fold: she lived in a city notorious for being dog-eat-dog when it comes to jobs and status and looks AND she was blind to her own shallowness. No nice guys in NYC? Sorry, I’ve been here almost thirty years. That simply is not true. Whenever I hear a woman bemoan the lack of “nice guys” in Manhattan, what I hear is, “The only men that show interest in me are the players and men I don’t find attractive.” We need to stop perpetuating the myth that there are no good guys left. There are a multitude of honorable men out there, we just reject them.

I say we because I do it, too. Contributing to my perpetually single status is that I am attracted to men who – more often then not – have an abundance of options. I’m attractive, but in most cases I am not attractive enough to get the attention of a man with his pick of the litter. That said, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad idea to move to a place where you are in high demand. The catch is understanding that – eventually – your desirability will wane. Nobody – no man, no woman – can stay hot forever. Pay close attention to how people used to talk about Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie’s looks versus how they’re looks are currently discussed. I think the problem the people interviewed in this article face is that they’re attracted to people who aren’t attracted to them, at least not enough to commit to them.

So, what do you do if you regularly find yourself attracted to people who don’t return the interest? That’s the real conundrum, isn’t it? My sister frequently hints to me that I should be less concerned with physical attraction when looking for men to date. As maddening as that sounds, she’s not wrong. I mean, she’s not 100% right, either, but what she’s suggesting isn’t far-fetched. It’s just…I don’t want to. I’m still holding out for that tear-your-clothes-off chemistry. But that is a choice I own. I know it could mean never finding a partner. That’s a very difficult reality to accept. At almost fifty years-old, how much longer is my sex drive going to be this high? Am I being realistic? No, I’m not, but I’m not ailling to adjust my expectations.

I had a date last night at a very fancy Madison Avenue bar. He was attractive. The conversation flowed effortlessly. I genuinely enjoyed his company. But I knew the minute he walked in there wasn’t going to be a spark. Am I the only one picks up on stuff like that? It’s not a feeling I can quantify in any way, I just know. I miss having that initial rush of electricity. I’m scared I’ll never feel that again. I want to feel that again. There are a number of mid-fifties men at my gym that I find attractive but it’s so hard to forge any sort of substantive connection there. I’ve already shared my thoughts on online dating. (PS? I opened my Bumble app for the first time in months. Yikes. It’s fast becoming Tinder as far as quality goes. Has anyone else noticed this?)

Name: ACComment: Thank you for reposting and enhancing your column on why women should be discerning about who they listen to when seeking dating advice. I was struck by your comment on what it means when a man tells you that other men find you intimidating. It’s something I heard back in college and it’s a tough pill to swallow. After lots of reflection and information gathering, I believe my unappealing trait at the heart of that comment is a case of insecrurity-based showing off. I know that I need to change that; it’s something I am always trying to work on and be aware of in both my professional and personal life. That said, I worry that I still haven’t found the line between sharing enough of myself to be intruiging/exciting and talking about the stuff I’m proud of so much that I seem like a braggart/jerk. The insecurity is at its worst when I’m on a first date with someone I’ve met online (OkCupid), which is exactly when I need to be at my least show-offy. My core tools for managing it now are trying to keep stories brief, ending them with related questions that don’t throw down a gauntlet,* and carefully watching body language. I think it’s working– I’m getting asked for follow-up dates– but I know I can do better. Do you have any other ideas for how I can work on getting his attention as someone with lasting appeal without being showy/brassy?Thank you!!!

*I used to say things like “So where have you traveled?” or “You haven’t…?” Ick. At least I’ve learned that lesson.Age: 26City: PhiladelphiaState: PA

Question: I’m in my 40s and have done some online dating with limited success. I tend to stop communicating when I see red flags. I wonder if this is one:

I’ve corresponded about 3x with a guy, late 40s separated. We’ve had a bit of a lengthy conversation about interests, passions and background. I was getting messages from him every day and even got messages saying: Im so excited we’re talking, your message made my day, woke up thinking about you, and something along the lines of we have such similar interests this was meant to be. (Our interests aren’t that unique)

Is it just me or is that all too premature? Inexperienced dater or clingy guy? I’m losing interest and would like to give him the courtesy of a goodbye rather than dropping off completely. Do I owe that courtesy or an explanation?

We have not corresponded for more than a week. Age: 46

Personally, I don’t have any problems dating men who have been separated for awhile. My only concern is that, in many cases, they’re starved for sex. Things in their marriage must have been pretty lacking and strained in the time leading up to the separation, so it makes sense to assume the guy wasn’t having a ton of sex. He could have been cheating, of course, but I think the former scenario is more likely than the latter.

Should you be wary of this guy’s effusiveness? Abso-fucking-lutely. For starters, it’s simply not healthy for someone to be so excited about a person they’ve never met. Let’s assume for a moment that he’s sincere. His investment level hints at possible attachment issues, as in he cray. A person who gets that excited about a one dimensional persona is giving off all kinds of warning signs that they don’t for healthy attachments.

It could also be that this guy doesn’t know how to be alone, and so he’s looking to jump right back into a relationship. These dudes scare the bejeezus out of me. They literally hop online the moment their cable is set up in their new bachelor pad.

Depending on how long he was married, there’s also the chance he’s just rusty at the ways of wooing a woman. What worked ten years ago doesn’t work now. Ten years ago, there weren’t a plethora of options and opportunities out there to meet people and hook-up. Nowadays, men in their forties don’t have to pour it on so thick. They’re up to their ears in vagina.

Then there’s the other, more likely, possibility: he’s a thirst bucket, starved for affection and sexual gratification. He’s saying all the right things thinking they’ll get him laid. Why do men do this? Because it often works.

Newly separated men and women are emotional landmines. They’re too shaken up to be good for anything beyond sex.

You don’t owe him anything, but it would be kind of you to first stop answering his texts and then – if he continues to contact you – tell him you’re off the market for some reason and wish him well. See if he gets the hint first before launching into some melodramatic good-bye.

Do I strike you as someone who weeps at insignificant things? Exactly. That’s how wrecked and self-conscious and inadequate I felt. Intensifying those feelings are my tours of Instagram looking for motivational work-out clips. I look at the bodies on those women then stand in front of my mirror naked and sigh. Yes, I see changes in my body. But I’m not losing weight as quickly as I’d like and now I worry my boobs are sagging. I used to get so many compliments from lovers about my breasts. Simon, the guy I’ve been casually hooking-up with for the last couple years, always tells me he loves them. (No, I don’t ask his opinion. He offers his compliments unsolicited. Granted, he’s usually inside me at the time and so maybe that’s not a great example, but I digress.) That’s fine, I guess. It doesn’t make me less insecure, though.

Question: So…I have been on a few dates with a man…he is 37, and I am 33.

On our first date we met up for breakfast, but ended up hanging out together for the next 24 hours! He wanted to know everything about me in this time…my past relationships, family, what I want in the future, etc…details regarding things that people generally would not discuss on a first date. He also asked about my children’s father, and wanted to know details on this, too. Because I am a pretty honest and up front person, it was not entirely offensive to me, and we had some really fabulous discussions…I let him know quite a bit about myself and my past. Although he seemed a bit eager, I am also someone intense so did not get too alarmed.

Second date, we met for dinner and then ended up hanging out until 5pm the next day! He brought me coffee in bed, and we chatted for hours upon hours…actually, we stayed in bed until well after 2pm and he even cancelled a work meeting (I did not ask him to do that, just noticed he did so mentioning it). That evening, I had also met a few of his friends before we left dinner, and he put his hand on my arm while we were chatting with them…he will often reach out to hold or caress my arm/hand in public. Again, when we spent this time privately together, he wanted all of my details and past and secrets…really intense conversation. He shared some of his past heartbreak, and even cried a little to me while I held his hand. There is an intimate emotional connection.

We have slept together, and over the next weekend he also went for a walk with me and my daughter to the park, and invited us back to his house so that she could play with his dog and instruments (he is a music teacher). He wrote me a few minutes after we left to tell me how amazing she is, and how he believes that I am a fabulous mother.

Also, though, I need to say that he told me the first time we spent time together that he sometimes uses beautiful women to feel good about himself. He has also lamented about a relationship that ended suddenly for him a few months ago…and told me how lonely he has been. We also realized we have a friend in common when we were on our first date, and he stated that he was going on a date with her next week!! (Though they never did go on a date, nor has he seen anyone else).

I, myself, am a teacher…but am also a single parent and have a lot of past history. I find his behavior very confusing and impulsive, and told him that I do not want to be someone’s stepping stone. I also told him that I believe he may have a little too much going on emotionally and asked him for some space and to not contact me for a bit. This felt awful to me, but perhaps necessary for my emotional safety.

I’m getting mixed feelings in my gut…he is coming on very strongly, but also making statements that indicate to me he really just needs a friend. Problem is, he is someone that I could really, really like if I allowed myself…but I’m scared that he may simply be flighty, immature and unsure of what he wants. Also, that I may simply make him feel good about himself because I am a single parent, etc. and he is a professor (he seems to have a bit of an ego/savior complex)…maybe like he is “slumming it” with me? (This could be my insecurity, though.)

I’m a very logical person, and can cut off ties pretty easily if I need to…but can’t tell if I am being irrational cutting him out (because of my past abuse), or if my gut (which says to cut him out quick…like right now before he can hurt me) is right and he is emotionally unhealthy.

I suppose I am wondering if cutting off contact is an appropriate response to this? And why the hell does he behave so emotionally erratic…bringing up children and marriage, etc. in the first few dates, but also telling me about women who hurt him recently?? Is he crazy, or am I, or are we both? Age: 33

We have slept together, and over the next weekend he also went for a walk with me and my daughter to the park

This is where I checked out. You had a number of reservations about this man and yet you still introduced him to your daughter. You must know on some level how reckless and inappropriate this was, yes?

You are an easy mark – you’re a single parent coming out of an abusive relationship. Gurl. Fucking GURL. Get thee to therapy and don’t even think about dating anyone until you can look back on this situation and say, “Wow, I was really naive.”

Also, though, I need to say that he told me the first time we spent time together that he sometimes uses beautiful women to feel good about himself.

He shared some of his past heartbreak, and even cried a little to me while I held his hand. There is an intimate emotional connection.

He has also lamented about a relationship that ended suddenly for him a few months ago…and told me how lonely he has been. We also realized we have a friend in common when we were on our first date, and he stated that he was going on a date with her next week!! (Though they never did go on a date, nor has he seen anyone else).

This guy is working you. He’s lonely and sad BUT he uses beautiful women to feel good about himself and , oh hey, by the way? He’s going out with one of your friends next week. Oh wait. Surprise! No he’s not! He likes you too much to go through with the date, you see. Push pull. Back forth. Teeter totter. His machinations are dizzying with how they go from one extreme to the other.

Fucking run from this man. He’s abusive. He’s manipulating your emotions and getting you where he wants you. That line about dating your friend? That was likely a lie. In fact, I’d guess most of what he told you is entirely fabricated. That’s what con artists do: they manufacture a back story to prey on people’s sympathy to make them easier to fool. Poor baby, he’s been burned. He’s so scared to love. He knows it’s wrong to use women but he just. can’t. help. himself. Save him, won’t you?

Fuck that noise. Throw this jizzbag back and head for shore.

I’m a very logical person

No, you’re not. A logical person would have immediately taken three steps back and wondered why this guy was so open and available from the jump. Those marathon dates are for one of three kinds of people: the desperate ones with no lives to speak of, the people addicted to the rush of blossoming romance, and the ones working a con. He’s the latter.

maybe like he is “slumming it” with me? (This could be my insecurity, though.)

Bingo. See what he did? He got you to question your worth, further exacerbating your already existing insecurity. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I guarantee you he pulls this crap with every woman he meets waiting to see who takes the bait. Spoiler alert: women with a health sense of self-worth never bite.

And why the hell does he behave so emotionally erratic…bringing up children and marriage, etc. in the first few dates

He does this to keep you off balance. The more you analyze and question him (and by extension, yourself) the weaker you become.

Your gut is right. Listen to it. Cut him out of your life and go talk to a professional. That is not an insult or criticism. We all have stuff that makes us vulnerable to predators like this. You have a daughter to think about. You don’t want to keep following this path and bringing unstable unhealthy men into her life or yours.

SUBMIT A DATING QUESTION

You can ask a question or just submit a rant to get something off your chest. Go for it! Questions are kept anonymous and will be posted on the blog so you can get feedback from our readers. Our readership consists of men and women from all over the globe, most of whom are single themselves, who fall in the 25-50 age range.

Last year, I matched with a guy on Bumble. He had a full time job in one field, but was also a fitness trainer. Me being me, I asked him right off the bat (after he suggested we meet) if he was using Bumble to find clients.

Bad move. He said he wasn’t, wished me luck, and unmatched me.

Fast-forward a year, and we match again. Only this time I didn’t really care if he was just looking for clients as I have been asking around for personal trainer recommendations. Now, I don’t know if he doesn’t remember me or if he, like me, was like, “Why not?” In any case, just like the first time we spoke, he got right to it.