Liberate
the Vatican!
March 31, 2003

Fresh
from our recent triumphs abroad, many Americans yearn for a break,
a moment to celebrate. Such feelings are natural, yet they must
be suppressed. Where would we be now if Bush Sr. had retired to
Kennebunkport
as the Berlin Wall collapsed? Not plowing through Baghdad, that's
certain. No, the elder Bush had nerves of Kevlar.
He knew that today's colossus is tomorrow's curiosity; he raged
against the dying of the light. He invaded Panama.

Sadly,
Panama wasn't quite the bulwark against Red aggression we had
molded it to be. General
Noriega suffered a fainting spell before the Marines even
landed, but it's no fun when they don't resist. Some of our former
allies must have paid attention to their American
instructors. Someone must have cracked the owner's manuals
on all those WMDs we sent out. (Well, the Israelis obviously did,
but we couldn't bomb them. Pat
Robertson would've switched parties.) So in 1990, Richard
Perle spread out his maps and squinted at forgotten cartography.
And his efforts were rewarded, for there in memory's creases lay
Iraq.

Saddam
has been a fine opponent for the last dozen years: not much of
a threat, really, but stubborn. His continuing presence has allowed
three vandals-in-chief to spraypaint on the desert sands that
America wuz here. But, as Andrew
Card would remind us, novelty rules the market. How much longer
can we thrash the Muslims before people tune out, or worse, start
to sympathize with them?

Thus,
in the enterprising spirit of Richard Perle, I offer my country
a new enemy. (When this essay is cited a decade from now by conservative
thinktanks, you can say that you loved the idea back when it still
seemed strange.) The beauty of this enemy resides both in its
vast power and its treasury of antagonists.

We
must also keep in mind the undemocratic nature of the papal regime.
The Holy See runs on terror. One can only imagine its citizens
trembling in fear, kept silent by John Paul II and his elite Swiss
Guard. No wonder the
pope opposes the liberation of Iraq. Is there a less progressive
state on the planet than his? There hasn't been a female, Jewish,
or African-American pope in my lifetime. Even Asians have risen
to the posts of Ayatollah and Dalai Lama, but they're not welcome
in the old boys' network of St. Peter's.

Yes,
the whole globe cows before the Vatican, from genetic
researchers to the peasants of the New Europe. Where are the
clones we should have had by now? Why is the world drowning in
Polacks? When asked how deposing the pope serves our national
interests, though, we need only point to our youth. As we all
know from watching television, every American child has been abused,
most of them by priests. In addition, these priests reportedly
lead their flocks in bizarre rituals such as the consumption of
blood and flesh, or "communion." Sounds like a cult
to me. Before the Army takes Rome, we should let the ATF
do a little domestic cleaning.

Grave
questions arise from this proposal, of course. For instance, how
much of a Nielsen boost
will Fox
News get from Operation Reverse Crusade? Will the fighting
last long enough to be interesting? Securing Vatican City won't
be any problem, but with well over a billion soldiers worldwide,
this enemy has potential. Ninety percent of Latin America lies
under the rosary's yoke, and sleeper cells are said to exist in
Boston, New York, Chicago, and New Orleans. The Bush administration
currently defines terrorists as those with Arab names and/or antiwar
opinions, but how are we to recognize Catholofascists? Is it too
early to toss the word "internment" about? John Ashcroft
will no doubt address these and other concerns shortly, but you
get the idea. A war on this religion will be a real nail-biter.

Remember,
Americans are not against Catholics per se. Millions of
these decent folks ache to be free of the papal grip, and we want
to help them. We will also help the true believers reevaluate
their faith as the bombs start falling: think of it as an urgent
version of Pascal's
wager. Like Muslims in Iraq, Catholics who die while being
liberated will find out if they were right about the hereafter.
As for me, I'm placing my immortal chips wherever George
Bush tells me.

Matt
Barganier works for an educational philanthropy in Baton Rouge,
LA. A late bloomer in his mid-twenties, he has only recently joined
the ranks of web punditry. He is an alumnus of Louisiana State
University and the University of Alabama.