How Healthy Are On-Again/Off-Again Relationships?

“I keep on fallin’ in and out of love with you. Sometimes I love ya, sometimes you make me blue. Sometimes I feel good, at times I feel used. Lovin’ you darlin’ makes me so confused.” – Alicia Keys

When we think about how romantic relationships work, we probably think about the classic trajectory: Two people meet, they form a relationship, and as time passes they decided to either stay together or break-up. Such a straightforward path certainly reflects many people’s experiences, but the search for love is often a much more convoluted, conflicted, and confusing journey. So we ask this question: How healthy are on-again/off-again relationship?

By some estimates, over 60% of people, at one time or another, have experienced the complicated relationship trajectory that defines an on-again/off-again relationship (Dailey, Pfiester, Jin, Beck, & Clark, 2009a). Instead of having a clean break-up, on-again/off-again relationships take a cyclical form, involving a series dissolutions and renewals. Couples break-up and then make-up, then break-up and make-up again, establishing a routine roller coaster of intimacy, hurt, passion, and loss. Why does this cyclical pattern happen?

The break-up. People in on-again/off-again relationships often initially break up because of conflict, personal characteristics of the partner or self, general relationship dissatisfaction or stagnation, or wanting to date somebody else (Dailey, Rossetto, Pfiester, & Surra, 2009b). These break-ups typically lack the clear and open communication that characterizes the kind of negotiated farewell common in permanent break-ups (Dailey et al., 2009a).

The reunion. After the break-up, on-again/off-again couples decide to renew their relationship for any number of reasons, such as: lingering feelings, beliefs that their ex may be “the one,” missing the companionship that comes with being in a relationship, or wanting that comfort and familiarity of the relationship (Dailey, Jin, Pfiester, & Beck, 2011). Sometimes they discover it’s hard to find other dating partners out there, making them more interested in reconnecting with their ex (Dailey et al., 2009b). In general, people in on-again/off-again relationships have a lot of doubts and disappointments about the relationship, are frustrated with the situation, and have a great deal of uncertainty about their relationship status (Dailey et al., 2011).

How healthy is this pattern? Some evidence suggests that a pattern of separations and reconciliations is toxic to both relationship and personal well-being. The more frequently couples cycle back and forth between being together and being apart, the more their relationships tend to deteriorate to involve negative interactions, less satisfaction, and less commitment (Dailey et al., 2009a). This suggests that break-ups and make-ups might add a degree of stress to an on-again relationship that isn’t present in non-cyclical relationships. Meanwhile, break-ups are incredibly difficult, associated with psychological distress and decreased life satisfaction (Rhoades, Kamp Dush, Atkins, Stanley, & Markman, 2012). Despite the potential joy of a reunion, repeated break-ups bring a great deal of stress into a person’s life.

If we’re trying to understand whether on-again/off-again relationship are healthy, we should acknowledge that they’re not all the same. Some evidence suggests that on-again/off-again relationships sort themselves into two primary types (Dailey, Jin, Brody, & McCracken, 2013). The first, called the capitalized-on-transitions type, describes a couple that makes the most of changing circumstances, letting transitions serve as tests or opportunities for relationship improvement. For example, a break-up might allow for the growth that enables a healthy relationship after reunion. The gradual separation type engages in the on-again/off-again pattern with hopes and expectations, but ultimately this pattern gives way to a final break-up.

The extent to which on-again/off-again relationship are healthy seems linked to these types. People who work at their on-again/off-again relationship and openly negotiate transitions into or out of the relationship tend to be more satisfied in their relationships, and outsiders tend to approve of these relationships more (Dailey et al., 2013). This coincides with a capitalized-on-transitions approach to a relationship, suggesting that some change (i.e., break-up then reuniting) can be positive. However, many people have conflicting emotions when it comes to their on-again/off-again relationship experiences. They might care about the other person, but the relationship leaves them wanting. Instead of severing the ties completely, they imagine what the relationship could be, and participate in a reunion that then leads to realization and another break-up. Such on-again/off-again relationships often end in break-up, suggesting that the gradual separation type is fundamentally less healthy than the capitalized-on-transitions type.

Should couples reunite after a break-up? In the end, if a couple leaves open the possibility of reunion post-breakup, evidence suggests the couple could benefit from openly discussing the relationship transition, communicating freely and honestly about their individual needs and desires, and using a post-break-up period to evaluate how it feels to live separate lives. Such an evaluation might acknowledge that even good-decision break-ups can be incredibly challenging (Rhoades et al., 2012). Based on the negative relationship dynamics associated with repeated cycling (Dailey et al., 2009a), after more than one break-up, couples might pause before initiating a reunion in order to carefully weigh the advantageous of another renewal against a consideration of their own emotional well-being and the many possible paths towards a healthy and stable relationship.

I had a long term boyfriend where we were constantly cycling. Our relationship was great for about 6 months and then he would start behaving badly and do something that he knew would anger me. I would get upset and break up with him. I spent years blaming myself and worked hard on breaking the cycle by being better behaved and less easily angered.

It took me several years to realize that I wasn't the problem, the man liked cycling. Had a look any closer he cycled his employment every 6 months too and he cycled his friendship, he cycled his drinking and he cycled his drug use. He liked ups and downs, never a constant even life.

He and I were great friends and worked well together, I got tired of the eggshell-walking. We broke up the last time, and a few months later he was back at my door expecting to patch things up once again. He was furious when I told him it was over permanently.

I personally know a young lady from one of these relationships. They spent four years on and off and ended up with a baby. The young man was very in love but she was all over the place. Young man died at 21 from a gunshot wound after the last break up. I think it should have ended before he had become so attached that he had to die without her. I won't blame her tho because of drugs.

Sadly, I'm in the exact same situation now too. He thinks he will be nothing without me and I'm tired of him making me so upset every other week. Maybe dealing with these relationships is part of our upbringing?

Its commonly called vacillating and done by those with fear of abandonment issues. Common causes are poor and inconsistent parenting, abuse, neglect, etc, during childhood. It is often characterized by fast moving relationships, choosing mates based on shallow characteristics, periods of idealizing and devaluing, trust issues, and anger issues.
Dialectal or cognitive behavior therapy are good treatments. Often these individuals need counseling to experience a season of personal growth, character building, and maturity; much like being reparented, they need to learn new ways to relate to people and recognize and manage emotional triggers. Sadly, many will not seek it until their lives are in shambles.

there are many degrees of abandonment issues (in fact we all have some, there are no perfect parents or childhoods); in my experience vacillators are often insecure, selfish and prideful. Their trust issues, immaturity (lack of character) and impulsiveness make them susceptible to infidelity. They often know they need to change, but are reluctant and too proud to seek help. They may be addicted to any number of things, the least of which are love, relationships, and sex. Conversely, they may be very charming and persuasive at keeping a mate around, and skilled at stringing along multiple relationships.
If you are trying to date (or are married to) a person with these issues, I suggest maintaining space and strong boundaries until they have accepted their faults and taken diligent and heartfelt action to overcome these issues. Open and honest discussion is rarely fruitful because vacillators struggle with being completely open and honest; it could lead to rejection, their greatest fear.

Great comment! I've never heard the theory of "vacillators" before but it makes sense. Based on your description I'm pretty sure I'm dating a vacillator who has all the insecurity, selfishness, and pride issues from time to time, but luckily he is not a cheater. I am also guilty of being a vacillator to a small extent...the difference is that I can see my faults when they're pointed out to me...he can't and instead just tries to turn the blame back on me in any way possible. If he weren't so damn awesome in other ways that matter to me (supportive, loving, generous, invested, intelligent, funny, etc.) I don't think we would have made it very far. We're at 2 years now...we'll see how it goes from here ;)

I was also in one of these on-again, off-again relationships for four years. We had our first (of dozens) of the break-ups two months in. It was always my decision to break up because of how unhappy he made me. But then we'd communicate again after usually about a week and things would be back on. I'd try to bring up the things I wanted to work on and he would acknowledge them and then we'd never speak of them again, until the next time I brought up things I wanted to change and we'd break up again because I knew he'd never change anything and because he was extremely averse to anything resembling conflict. During all these break-ups, I worked on my personal growth and figured out ways to be a more integrated person without a significant other, and after fours of being with him, I'm a totally different person than when we got together. He didn't grow or change one bit. I think my biggest issue was fear of abandonment and loneliness, and I always welcomed that old familiarity back into my life, even though my rational mind knew what was around the corner. We had our final break-up just after the four-year mark and for the first time it was his decision. I'm so glad he did it. When you're cycling like that, you can never commit, you constantly wonder who else is out there that's better for you, you never can really get to know the person and you never are able to healthily resolve conflicts. I hope this was a learning experience for my future relationships. I think people ought to trust their gut instincts right off the bat. They're usually correct, especially when you fall in love too fast.

How can this article not mention codependency? It seems really strange to me, when this is what an on and off again relationship is like. People choose their own dramas and need to take responsibility for them. This is a good article on codependency and also explores resources for how to avoid and be prepared for these types of relationships in the future. It's worth providing the tools and resources to help people get out of unconscious patters in relationships as well. http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/02/05/what-is-codependency/

I'm currently in an on again off again relationship. Right now we are off again. If the pattern serves me right, he'll be contacting me in the next couple of weeks. The relationship itself is the best one I've ever been in. He is so very sweet to me and puts me first. However, he has these terrible mood swings. He hasn't gotten help and refuses to. I've stayed by his side for the past year and a half. In the beginning we broke up a billion times. Nothing was more than a few hours. I moved in with him on his parents property 2 months into our relationship. Every few months he'd have an episode. He'd get cold (the opposite of how he is). I would be the reason for all his unhappiness. He would smile so much while we were together and talk about us to everyone. So when we split everyone is confused. His family suffers and my job suffers from our break ups. Usually it starts with something I say or do and all of sudden he says he's never been happy and its always the same issues. I'll be happy and he'll give me this bombshell. Usually the days leading up to it will be our very best. Infact this last break up we went to the beach and had fun. Because I say something he doesn't like, it'll turn into something about me being against him.

When we split I go to mothers. I don't drive so since its towns away I have to leave my job. Luckily both these times I've been able to work out my notice and find another job in the town my mother is in.

No matter what I will love him. Yes, if he shows back up I will go back to him. However, this time its different on my end. I'm not sobbing like an idiot. A part of me is hoping he won't contact me and a part of me wishes and hopes he does. But if the pattern continues, he'll be back.

I'm sorry to hear it has been so tumultuous. What you are describing is codependency a form of relationship addiction. For the sake of your self & your soul I would advise you to go & talk to a qualified therapist or psychologist about it. You deserve yo have a wonderful, happy life, are you having that now?

So we're off again - nearly 2 years of this now. He lives with his parents though he's nearly 50, and we both have mental health problems. Co dependency - yes, absolutely.

Someone said above their ex cycles - goes away, comes back, goes away - and does this with his friends too. So does mine. He gets close to people for a while, then gets paranoid about them and drops them, or just drops them with no apparent reason.

We have our pattern. The day after he agreed to go out with me, he changed his mind. The day after we first slept together, he changed his mind. He has done many walk-outs and retreats back into his parents' home. Then he contacts me again when he wants sympathy. This has happened so often. He says we need a break, and maybe one day we'll be together, and goes, and I'm in pieces: I contact him and get nowhere: later, he comes back and tells me all about his problems, we get together, and so on.

I last spoke to him yesterday and he seemed to be saying it was over but we have something scheduled for Sept which we have to do together. So I suppose he feels "safe". I feel abandoned, crap though this all is (I am a lonely person)

I don't want to get angry and shout at him down the phone or send nasty texts. Because I'll get badly hurt.

Best thing is to stay away. When I contact him, I have this big daydream which never comes true - just pain, pain, pain. Yet I don't know if I'm strong enough to say No if he contacts me.

There's a lot of good advice everywhere. But I need strength and hope. I need to face immense pain and rage and hold still with it. It's an awful lot to face. Well, OK, then - start here. I'll start by doing it shakily, scared it'll fall apart. OK now. This is the start. Could take years. Well - it'll take as long as it needs to.

Find something else to do, work on finding new friends or a hobby. There is no reason for your to insist to yourself that you stay away forever. Take it one day at a time, make some future plans that don't involve this man. Work on finding somebody else to take his place for your September event, that way you won't get your hopes up.

Ahhh....the story of my life for the past five years. Funny is how I only broke up with him ONCE..way at the beginning. Whenever we get too close he backs off, just disappears without a trace. About 2 - 3 months later, he is back..Blaming me of course, I wasn't 'there' for him, I spent too much time sailing or with friends..whatever.

Our last break up was 9 months long (he left..again) and this time we've been back together for the longest, about a year. He is retreating once again. If he does it's for good this time.

We use the excuse that I can't stand where he lives and he can't stand where I live, but in my heart I know there is more to the story.

It's worth looking at the work of Caroline Myss, toxic relationships & archetypes of the Vampire / Demon lover. It's hard to accept but something in you is condoning this treatment. Until you can break free or understand why the pattern is there, what the lessons are, you will continue to be treated the same way. Once you get the soul lesson, you'll be free & able to detach, be happy with or without this person. Happy in your Self. It can take deep inner work to resolve this stuff, so it may be worth taking to a professional counsellor. I wish you all the best.

Oh I agree with you....I am going for counseling and pretty much understand why I let this happen. I really do love him, but realize he is NOT right for the long term. I am of a 'certain age' and in this town that means...pretty much little to no dating prospects, so I think I may just be 'settling' because of fear of growing old alone.

Thank you for your response, I think I'm gonna be ok...LOL..going to find a Golden Girls house!

I have been in a on/off relationship for a year, do i love him? yes, is he bad for me? yes. when i met him a year ago he told me his marriage was over and that they had to share the same house for financial reasons, i believed him as i had no reason not to at the time, i fell in love with him , he was very attentive, charming and loving towards me, and then about two months into the relationship he disappeared without a word to me, he returned,three weeks later, saying how sorry he was and that i was the love of his life and that he would never hurt me again, he chased me for a while until i gave in and resumed our relationship. he again was wonderful for another two months and then, you guessed it, he went missing without a word, heartbroken demoralized, feeling bad about myself, rejected, i went through an array of emotions, after a period of time i felt myself getting stronger and yes!!, he returned only to do the same to me again, now two issues here, why do i continue to take this behavior, I'm an intelligent woman, yet my heart gets so wrapped up in the relationship, the future he talked about for us, and yet the signed are there, he is still living with his ex wife, e turned up the last time wearing his father ring on his wedding finger, when i asked him what was that about he said he feels closer to his dad when he is wearing the ring(his father passed away this year)I said that i found it a bit strange that he wears the ring on his wedding finger, he told me again he was not married!!, when he is with me he is loving and kind and yet when we are apart, he is like a different man, he doesn't communicate with me, he ignores my calls, He is gone again, how do i stop myself cycling, every time i let this happen i feel its takes another piece of me, and I'm left feeling like shit, I'm also dealing with an illness, which has been ongoing prior to us getting together, I know i was vulnerable to him, The interesting think is he is now friends with some ladies that are currently dealing with illness too, he made friends with them after he walked away from me. How do i keep moving away from him and not want to go back to the same bullshit, HELP

thankyou ladies, i appreciate your advise, I'm in therapy now and i will continue to walk away, I just wish i didn't feel so responsible for the whole relationship breakdown, you know the if only? if only i was well, pretty, etc etc, my whole self worth has taken a battering, i honestly had great self worth starting this relationship, somewhere it got under my skin, i kept falling for his lies, wow, I know that im the only one that can change this, he has walked away again, and i don't think he will be back because i was so weak, vulnerable, but i have blocked his number this time and also blocked him from my web accounts, thankyou again

It's so easy for people to say "just get fresh milk," but when you're actually in love with another person (and not just in love with yourself and what's best for you,) sometimes the hard times are worth it. In my case, the breakups happened because we were both head strong and stubborn, both qualities that can be worked on. It depends on the reason for the breakups. Violence is never okay, especially when the man is violent. Situations like that are far too dangerous to go back to. But barring physical violence, I think I would take almost anything to make it work with the man I love. It's just so cliché for a psychologist to say that this isn't healthy, but is it healthy to live without the person you love most? No.