How to Fight For Your Marriage

You’re preparing for a war if you are in a fight for your marriage.

The war that is the fight for your marriage has probably already started. It may have been going on for a while now. It may be against yourself, or it may be for the return of your marriage.

Maybe you’re fighting yourself to get your self-esteem back. After years of feeling like you aren’t good enough, you started to believe it. Now, you don’t believe that anyone would want to be with you, and you have low hopes of your marriage ever being saved.

Or maybe you are fighting to overcome an addiction. There is something eating away at you deep inside that you continue to mask with pornography, drugs, alcohol, or maybe even another person. Deep inside, you want peace. But facing those demons is too painful, so instead you continue to mask the hurt with something that provides temporary peace, but the pain keeps coming back.

Perhaps you are fighting to save your marriage. Maybe your spouse is gone and living with the affair partner, or maybe your spouse is still living at home, but you haven’t talked in months. You have never felt so lonely and so scared in your life, and you fear the whole thing crumbling down and ending at any moment. You want to stop the impending divorce or separation, but you don’t know how. Even worse, you don’t know if you have the strength left to fight anymore.

You have two choices:

You can choose to back down.

You can choose that the fight is not worth it. You can choose to avoid the war and move on. You have that right, and that is your choice. At times (very rarely) divorce is the best option (especially in cases of abuse).

However, too many times people choose divorce when the marriage can be saved. They fear forgiving only to be hurt again. They feel too violated to be able to trust again. The pain is too overwhelming, so it seems easier to leave and start over than fighting to save the marriage.

Please hear this: I am not saying that people who do not choose to fight for their marriage are any less strong. Sometimes it can be a harder decision to decide to not fight than to fight. I ask you if you are considering leaving your marriage to determine whether it is because you are in a situation where you are 1. in danger or 2. where your spouse has no possibility of being rescued from destructive behavior. Question 2 is the most vital. Why? Because if a person is a good person doing a bad thing, they deserve to be rescued. On the other hand, if a person is a bad person doing a bad thing, they cannot be rescued. But at Marriage Helper we believe that everyone deserves a chance to be rescued.

2. You can fight like hell and save your marriage.

I can’t guarantee that your marriage WILL be saved. I can’t guarantee that your marriage will ever be saved. But here’s what I can guarantee: If you do the right thing and fight for your marriage, no matter what happens in the end, you will be a stronger and more resilient person for it. No matter what life throws your way, you will know that you can withstand it and get through it, with or without your spouse.

You see, fighting to save your marriage doesn’t make you a weaker person. It makes you strong, courageous, and confident. It doesn’t take opportunities away from you, it brings you more opportunities. Not only that, but there is tremendous peace and calmness in knowing that you did the right thing, even if there was nothing to gain.

Unfortunately, you can’t control your spouse’s actions. There’s no magic formula of words you can say or things you can do that will, without a doubt, change your spouse’s mind. Too often I receive emails from people who have bought other programs on the internet that make “guarantees” and “promises” of changing the marriage, only to feel that they had been sold snake oil.

However, there are things you can do have the best probabilities of getting your spouse to re-engage in the marriage. We call it the “if anything works, this will” method. Thousands of people have used it, and it’s brought thousands of marriages back together. But be warned: by doing this, you are preparing for war.

Here are the 5 ways to prepare yourself for the war of saving your marriage

1. Arm yourself with the best tools

Like I mentioned above, too many people get caught up in gimmicks and false guarantees from people on the internet making empty promises about saving marriages…even though they have no idea how to save marriages.

I’m not saying that we at Marriage Helper are the end all, be all (although, I’m not going to lie, I do think we are the best at what we do). I am saying that every person on our team that works with marriages knows how to fight to save a marriage. Every person on our team that is married has fought to save their marriage at one time or another. We have been where you are. We know how it feels. We understand what works.

You can’t do this alone. Just like a soldier does not go into battle without the best tools available, neither should you go into the battle of trying to save your marriage alone.

I’d love to have you in our Save My Marriage course. It’s completely online, and we walk you though 10 sessions of “if anything works, this will”, what to do and how to do it. You will be part of an amazing secret Facebook community (the most anonymous group available for your privacy). There’s tons of other bonuses, but you can read about them by clicking here.

2. Get the warrior mindset

If you are going to fight in a war, then you have to change your mindset. You have to be a warrior. Warriors can’t get distracted – it could cost them their lives. They are laser-focused on the end goal, the main mission – to win the war. Nothing else matters to them.

How does this apply to your life? Think of your daily life. How many times do you get distracted by the little things? How many times do you allow yourself to become upset over things that are not going to help you win the war on saving your marriage? How many times do you let self-talk inhibit your success?

If you constantly tell yourself that you aren’t good enough, then you will get off track. If you allow yourself to be drawn into following your spouse’s behaviors and actions on Facebook (only to see your spouse and the affair partner together…) then you will get upset, and it will take away your laser-focus.

3. Change the way you train

Soldiers train for the battlefield. Soldiers have the luxury of creating mock situations so they will know how to conduct themselves during the real battles.

You and I do not have that luxury. Your battlefield is in your home. You do not get the opportunity for mock battles. Instead, you have to train yourself so that when the battles do occur, you know how to handle them the first time.

And train you must.

The difference between winning and losing these battles lies within spending hours and hours focusing on yourself and the way you interact with your spouse. You can’t only listen to it, you have to apply these principles. Focus on yourself first. Start with making yourself the healthiest that you can be Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally, and Spiritually. Learn to become non-reactive during conflict. Understand how and when to use boundaries and instill consequences. There are too many things to mention here. Understand that it takes hours of training to be able to react correctly during battle. That’s where the importance of tuning in to Marriage Radio or listening to the podcast on iTunes comes in.

4. Understand the mindset of your enemy

Your spouse is not the enemy. I repeat, your spouse is NOT the enemy. The mindset of your spouse is the enemy.

If your spouse is involved in an affair, then your spouse is probably experiencing limerence. Your spouse is not the enemy, limerence is the enemy.

If your spouse is controlling you, then your spouse has fallen victim to a deeper pain or issue in his or her life that compels them to feel the need to control. Your spouse is not the enemy, control is the enemy.

If your spouse is an addict, then your spouse is trying to cover up his or her pain from something deeper. Your spouse is not the enemy, the addiction is the enemy.

If your spouse is done with you because of the hurt or pain that you caused, then your spouse fears getting hurt again and is scared to trust. Your spouse is not the enemy, fear is the enemy.

Maybe your greatest enemy is you. Maybe your mindset prevents you from experiencing life to the fullest due to guilt, fear, shame, and hurt. Maybe it’s not your spouse that is the enemy, maybe it is your mindset that needs to be rescued.

When you understand the mindset of your enemy, you can understand how to tackle it.

5. One Battle at a Time

Take each battle at a time, you may win some, you may lose some, but keep the big picture of the war in mind.
Your marriage didn’t fall apart overnight, and saving your marriage is not going to happen overnight.

Prepare for a long war. Prepare to fight until the bloody end if needed. Understand that there will be setbacks. There will be battles that you win, and there will be battles that you lose. And there’s some battles that aren’t even worth your energy to engage in, so pick your battles wisely.

Keep the overall goal of the war in mind: to save your marriage. Don’t lose heart over a few setbacks. Keep pressing on towards the goal.

If you want help in saving your marriage this year, I promise to help you fight as hard as you can through our Save My Marriage course. I’d love to have you join the community of people working together, supporting each other, and learning the best things possible to save their marriages.

I would love to do this program. The divorce was final last Feb and my daughter and I are living on a 150 a week. We are existing, and I simply don’t have 500.00 for this program. My husband kept almost all of the assets. I have yet to even get what I am supposed to because my attorney got frustrated with the case and knew I was broke. I spent 16,000 on attorneys. I have nothing left. I am in standers group bit that’s it.

If there is anything yo can do my children and I wold appreciate it very much. I am a Christian and pray for my husband and the ow everyday, but am losing hope, This whole thing has gone on a long time due to his porn addiction, etc.

I am a prayer partner for those on your list every week its the least I can do, as I know how other standers and families feel, its awful to be living thru this.

I would love nothing more the to beable to get my marrage back in 2016. But we, ve been separated over 3 years now and she sees anather man know , and only calls or sees me when she needs something that’s all I am good for in her eyes. She a rat, s ass about me emotionally or physically . It, s like hitting your head against the wall and getting no were. She just doesn’t care period. She has someone elese to give what I cant. I am 63 and she is 52 and the other guy is 55 . Shorter thiner younger . Spends money on her so why would she want me back. I am not going to set and that I am inocent but I caused part of the problem to, we allways fought about every thing, and everything had to be her way, I didn’t like to fight our voices would both go on the defense, I am a easy going layed back person and a scorpio, and she is a harded sagatarius mean hateful emotion less, selfish and conceited and abuseive person, but I still love het. Maybe there’s something wrong with me for wanting her back so bad. And that’s why there is no hope. I do not have what she wants any more. GAME OVER.

The game isn’t over until you decide it is over. I know it seems hopeless, but there are things that you can do that “if anything works, this will” to save your marriage. Can I guarantee it will? No. But I know for a fact by doing these things you will come out stronger, more peaceful, and calmer on the other side of fighting for your marriage no matter what happens.

My story, I have been with my wife Sharon for 25 years married for 23 we have 3 kids 13, 15 and 18, my family has been my whole life, 6 weeks ago I found out she was having an affair for the last 4-5 months she say she is very much in love with this guys, also married with 2 kids slightly older, just before I found out (mobile bill 874 text in one month) they went away for a weekend together, the last 6 weeks have been the hardest time of my life, i took the decision not to speak to any one and it was Christmas so couldn’t get any counselling appointments, Sharon says she fell out of love with me years ago, and this guy has triggered something in her. It has been hell, last night I very stupidly drank a bottle of rum (i dont drink) and tried to cut my wrist with a stanley knife, ended up with medic and police at home kids in tears my wife found me on kitchen floor I was to drunk to do to much damage just cut wrists. This morning my mother took me to her house, before i left Sharon said we were through with or without her lover are marriage is was over. I am totally lost I feel ashamed that i would leave my kids that i let my self go this far, I still deeply love my wife and cannot contemplate life with out her.She says I was always making all the big decisions I have made lots of mistakes but i have always loved her. Is this marriage save able I can’t see a way forward now after what i have done were do I go from here? 🙁

Encouraging as it sounds, how can one fight for their marriage when the other spouse has gone ‘no contact’?
I desire to fight for my marriage but always seem to have circumstances outside the range of normal.
I’d like to know if/how this might work when a spouse will not communicate whatsoever.

It is much more difficult when communication is severed. If there are any mutual children, that can lead to either 1. contact or 2. the children telling your spouse about how you are doing. If there are not children, then mutual friends would be the next option. If none of those are options, then it depends on each unique circumstance as to what happens next.

My story is me and my wife have been married for 6 years. We have 3 kids. We have been separated for the past 2 years because of the Restraining order against me and I haven’t seen our kids in 2 years. I found out on Facebook my wife had an affair in 2014 when were first separated and I went to jail for Domestic Abuse. Last year my wife cried our for help when my Mother In Law kicked her and our kids out and she called me for help, another instance is when my wife and kids last year 2015, they were kicked out of the motel room they were staying in and I got my my doctor to drive me 40 minutes away from where we live to go pick up my wife and kids, then another time my wife’s former lady friend kicked her and our kids out and once again she comes calling me for fear that our kids where going to get taken away. Anyway my wife recently in January 2016, wrote a note to me saying we are no longer together. So then recently as last Monday February 8th, she reached out to me again and ask what I was doing for Valentines Day, I said nothing Do you want to get together I ask her and she said Yes. She asked did I have any money for us to go out I said let me return my boots back and get a refund back. So the whole week goes by I let her know on Facebook she blocks me and then unfriended me. I texted and called her with no response. So she finally responded to my text last night and it said Look I don’t want to be with you anymore, Please leave me alone. So then she changes her number after I kept calling back. I want to know is there hope for our Marriage. How do I convince her to go to Marriage Counseling and get help for us? To meet me half way. My Restraining Order expires in April 2016. I haven’t been given a fair chance because of the Restraining order. My anger got in the way of why we are in this situation. I don’t want to lose my Wife and kids and I still love and am still in love with my wife. What’s going on?

We’ve been together 12 years and married for 7. We have two children. We have always had trouble dealing with even the slightest conflict. Unfortunately communicating about needs, wants or concerns would lead straight to arguing. I knew early on in our relationship that this would cause problems. One of us would either become defensive, angry, frustrated from getting no where, neglected, then stone walled. Our feelings could never be truly expressed to each other. He couldn’t ever tell me how he felt. He would need time to get over it. As he would expect me to, and be ok. We’ve been to couples retreats, spoke to our pastor, tried to work on keeping our love banks full. We forget to put each other first at times. We never went for date nights. We never spoke of what was happening. We slowly were giving up. I then shielded myself from hurt/pain. I stopped asking if we were ok anymore. Most of the time my husband chose to not be involved in our family activities. Although we knew we loved each other, the lack of conversation and quality time after a few months pushed us further away. Neither of us wanted to bring up the awkwardness. We spoke shortly of our day. We cooked and ate dinner together as a family. We had sex at least once or twice a week. Our girls were our life, our marriage, our home and our everything. One day my husband said he no longer wants to be with me. He’s tired of fighting and he can’t make me happy. I was shocked and still am. He says I hurt him and he doesn’t want to be sad. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to be sad either and he’s hurting me right now. It’s been 3 weeks and he no longer Calls or texts. Just contacts our girls when they are with me. I want to save our marriage, but he does not. We hit rock bottom. Giving up is his plan, it’s irrelevant and we are not compatible he says. His mind is set. I wish I knew how he was feeling. I was blind sided. I don’t feel we ever tried hard enough. I know I didn’t. I will do anything to have a second chance to keep our family together and restore our marriage to its highest.

We are on the brink of a divorce. I have been married to him for 13 years with 1 kid. My husband and i have always been in long distance marriage because of work. He returns home every 3 months and stay home only for 1 month. So he does spend more time at work (in another country). He had an affair of 2 years with his secretary and the affair resulted a baby. He even said he has strong feeling for his secretary and doesnt love me anymore. In the beginning (when i found out about the affair), he wants to work things out for the sake of our kid. But then i made a bad choice of attacking his affair partner with threat and nasty email. I also told about the affair to everyone, his friends, his colleague and his family. He got angry and said can’t stand me, he also said my behavior is unacceptable and i am crazy, and that we are over. We are still married right now, but its just because he doesnt want to face legal battle. Whenever he does not work, he still return home to see our kid. He keeps in contact with his ex affair partner to help with their kid financially but he does not want to stay with the ex AP because he said he does not want to deal with commitment to another woman, its just headache for him. Very irresponsible i know. I read in one of the marriage helper article, that in order things to work, he has to stop his sin. But i cannot do that, i also dont have people to ask to intervene him because people that he respects do not side with me and do not want to help me. I still love him despite everything and want to re-work on our marriage so that it can be happy again like it was before. Do you think there is hope where i can win him back, make him love me again and make him committed again to me?

I’m not sure if my situation qualifies for your program. My ex and I have been divorced for many, many years after a 29 yr marriage. He left for his affair partner. From what I understand he was unhappy for years in our marriage. We have 4 children–our oldest son has always been a problem child while growing up and that did cause a lot of diagreements and tension, resulting in a poor sex life the last 2 years of our marriage.. Unfortunately this son was diagnosed with schizophrenia approx. 8 years ago.

ex continues to live with original affair partner, but they have never married. My ex and I have a cordial relationship and work together well co-parenting our mentally ill son. Lately there seems to be some ”'”cracks” in his relationship with OW. He commented to me that he is not necissarily happy, but doesn’t know how to go forward at this time. We have had a lot of the so called touch and goes, possibly heading to what is called recconection moments, So with the little amt of background I have provided—

My question is have you had any success with a long term divorced couple reuniting? OW is still in the picture, so would your program be of any benefit for me at this particular time?

Our founder, Dr. Joe Beam, and his wife were actually divorced and both him and Alice were seeing other people. They had been divorced for a while. They healed their marriage!!!!! Call us if you have any questions!!!!!!

My marriage is in trouble. My wife said she loves me as the father of our children but that she is not in love with me. She said that there was not enough laughter in our marriange and no spontaneity. After 16 years together and three children, she said she couldn’t bear another “20 years”. She said,” I’m done!”. I’ve been working on PIES and communication. I know we have largely opposite personalities. She is mostly Commandet type and I am mostly a Completer. I have some characteristics of the other slow processor and she can be like the other fast processor. I still don’t know if I have us pegged right, or how to battle for our marriage using this info. She has also said that there is a pattern with me not being successful while she being a Commander has been very successful. She is around many high -functioning and interesting people all day long and I am struggling in an underemployed position. Out of all the PIES, I need to work on the emotional the most, but have been working on all of them. I knew our marriage was in trouble but had to work on me and developing self-love. I would say that the three biggest complaints I had in our marriage were lack of communication, lack of tenderness (I’m much more physical and romantic and tend to shut down and lose self esteem when she is distant), and lastly, I feel she NEVER, as a general rule, puts me first. I’m not selfish.I know kids, extended family career, and even herself often come first, but I am usually an afterthought. I love her with all my heart and want to love her unconditionally., I want to be attractive to her and make a safe place, I want to save our marriage and keep pur family together. There are also extended family dynamics which affect many things including the discipline of my children and how my wife takes advantage of her parents and largely doesn’t think she needs me. I don’t think she has cheated on me physically, but maybe emotionally. She has a gay male friend that poisons her toward me and encourages her to stray. He isd a whiner and has been in many failed relationships and does not have my Christian values. I don’t like him and he is a big influence.

I cannot attend your three day work shop which is what I really want due to geography and cost. And she has said she is not interested in counselling. She is the breadwinner in our family and I have few resource..I am considering your online course but it is also too much for me. I bought Joe’s book. My wife and I are both communicating. We have had sex. She fluctuates and has said things like she hasn’t completely given up on us yet to “you can’t pressured me or expect anything” to “sometimes love isn’t enough.”. I sometimes feel that she is using me until it’s more cpnvenient gor her and it’s time to move on.

I have been married for 12 years. I had a 7 mo affair that ended when my wife found an email. She is devastated. We’ve both sought help with separate therapists. My immature selfish all about me attitude I had is over. I have risk everything for what now I realize means nothing. We have 2 young children who I adore. I adore my wife. I just got caught up in selfishness and lust. She doesn’t trust me and is not sure she ever will. We have been working on this now for about 7 weeks. I feel like I hit bottom and have decided to make major changes in my life to be a better husband and father. She’s lost all trust and I’m afraid love for me. I need her. I need my kids. I want her pain and heartbreak to be healed. I did this. But I can’t fix it.

Don’t give up mike .. If you are still together it will simply take time .i know how you feel , we all make mistakes and hurt those we love . Get up everyday and just be the best husband and father you can . Do it without expecting anything in return . Do it from your heart . With time she will see it ..

Here is my story . My husband and I have been married for 35 years . Last July 2015 I received a phone call from a woman informing me that she had been having an affair with him for the past 15 years and that he had just met someone new and was in love with her and was going to leave me . I was knocked to my knees . I confronted my husband and he confessed . I listened patiently and after he finished speaking I told him that I was hurt but that I still loved him , that I understood things happen even in the best of marriages . I told him that I forgive him and I wanted to make things right and rebuild our marriage . He said he didn’t know what to do . He said he loves this woman and he wants to be with her , but he still loves me . He stayed in the house for several months .. It was a roller coaster of emotions . We continued to have sexual relations , do things together etc. all the while he would leave and go to stay at her house for a few days each week . A piece of me died each time I watched him walk out the door to go and stay with her . In October of 2015 he moved out of our home and moved in with her . He said he couldn’t take the pressure of me asking him to leave her and he felt that it was the right thing to do . For a while he would come to the house and have either breakfast or lunch with me . We would often end up in bed together . I continued to ask him to come home . He pleaded with me to stop . That I had to accept that he was with another woman and just try and find some happiness . He continues to pay the bills but has now lost his job . I feel in many ways that God is working on my husband , things are not perfect with this woman , he has health issues , he went to Peru with her to meet her family and almost died and now he has lost his job . He has changed in many ways since meeting her . His hygiene for one , the way he dresses , he has tattoos now , he is drinking and he was raised church of Christ but now attends Catholic Church with her . He no longer comes to the house to eat any meals with me . But comes by from time to time to pick something up and he puts the moves on me and we end up in bed . He says he doesn’t want a divorce . That he doesn’t know what the future holds but does want a long term separation . He wants to stay in contact with me and continue to have a connection with me . I filed for divorce for adultery . He became very upset . And has threatened that if I go through with it he will drag me through the mud . That if I want a divorce that it should uncontested .so after months of his threats I have withdrawn the divorce . I’m sitting here in our home preparing to put it up for rent and move into an apartment in our home state . He has said repeatedly that he wants me to take a break . Stop the conversation . Give him time and space . That he thinks about coming back but he is afraid . And every time he starts to move toward coming back I do something that scares him and then everything gets reset . He will not seek help or talk to anyone . He just continues to plough threw this relationship getting closer to her . He has now introduced her to his family and they have gone on vacations with his family members . I simply do not know what to do . I still love him ,, and I do forgive him , but I am growing weary , and I am very lonely .. I miss him so very much . I need support in so many ways .. Please help me undo the damage that I have created, please help me save.my marriage . I have started week 1 of the online program . I am hurting , the pain is so unbearable . And he is just moving on with this woman . She knows that I am fighting for my marriage and she doesn’t seem to care . She says she loves him . She has her own business and owns her own home . My husband is 54 and she is 34 with a 5 year old son from a previous marriage . I am losing this battle . Please him me

I’m going through a similar thing my husband and have been together for 22 years. Married 19 we have two great kids together seem to get along. Three weeks ago I find out he has been having an affair with my best friend. He says he is in love with her and never was with me. We are currently trying to make things work. But I feel he isn’t really trying. I love him very much and I know that this is not all his faults. Help! I’m I spinning my wheels?

I have being married for 38 years. We were very much in loved.a week ago he came home and told this marriage is over. He felt out love and he wants to move on. I also was diagnosed with MS and being up and down depress. I am so confused. He will not give me a reason why and he doesn’t want to give me a chance. Does my marriage can be saved? I don’t know how to move on on my own. I have a job but my income is not enough for me to get apartment and bills. He very adamant about his moving with his life without me.

Hello everyone. Reading through all the comments, many relate to me. You see I have been with my wife for 13 years, 7 of those married and we have a 4 year old daughter. About two weeks ago we had an argument as I felt as if she was cheating on me because she has changed, lost weight, working long hours, not spending time with our daughter, but I honestly I could not find any trails of such infidelity. So that night she turned to me and told me she wanted a divorce and did not love me. At the same time she said she has not loved me for over 7-8 years, just settled with me as I am a good person. I am not perfect, but I cook, wash the dishes, do choirs around the house, mop if I have to, anything I can to help her out. So This was tough to hear, not only because I feel used for all that time, but she agreed to have a child, she wanted a second one, we purchased a new home for our growing family. To make matter worse, my father has terminal cancer and it has taken a huge toll on me as we are such a small family. She couldn’t pick a better time to drop such news. We have always been the kind of couple that we never really sat down and talk through arguments. We argued and let it be as she would never want to talk. Yes I know, wrong thing to do, but we did it. We became very disconnected. I was consumed with two jobs for over 6 years to maintain the new home over our heads, consumed with mortgage, work, marriage, but never focused on her and us. I just let it be and so did she.

At the same time, I came from what I consider the perfect parents as they never argued, respected each other, bond, etc… but she did not. She grew up with dysfunctional parents that never got along, but remained together for the sake of the kids. She tells me that she does not want the same for our daughter to grow up in the same toxic marriage, that she grew up in and I agree. It is a huge fear she has within. At the same time, all the arguments we had that were never resolved were never left in the past. They are in the present and future as when we argue one of the mistakes comes up. I have never cheated on her and again I believe she has not either especially that she mentioned to me the other day she wished she had so that I can stop asking. My head is going in circles and unsure what to do. I want to do everything possible to save this marriage. I want to break this wall she has built. She says when she makes a decision, there is no turning back so it makes matter even harder. I explained that I will continue to fight for what we never had, a union, for as long as my heart can. Her family knows of her decision and they are devastated as they see me as a son. To the point that they back me up and point the fingers at her having a huge hole and depression within. A depression and fear she never seeked help for. You see, she has filled her hole with out of control spending. She spends hours in the mall on a weekly basis and she says its a habit. As we know, it is part of her filling what she is lacking.

So this is when i began searching for help. I have read and seen the videos, and would love to go to the 3 day workshop, but there is no way I can convince her. She tells me that she is only here to give me time to accept her decision, but not to give me hope. I have tried all three scenarios about co-parenting help, agree to sign papers if she comes, become better people for future relationship but she will not budge. Today I told her to support me and attend to the seminar and her response was why, if I never supported any of her decisions. What else can I do? Would the weekly online course help me save our marriage? Can such wall be broken down? Looking for some guidance.

My wife and I have been married for 29 years. We have with 3 sons – 23 y.o., 18 y.o., and 15 y.o. Through the years, our marriage has been a roller coaster ride. I take full responsibility for my share in the troubles. 2 years ago, my wife left me but returned after a short period. I was devastated by her leaving me. When she returned, I had asked her to attend marriage counseling, but she refused. About 6 months ago, my wife shut down intimately and we had constant belittling arguments (with me left emotionally drained and upset). I have taken all this emotional abuse and remained in the marriage as I upheld the marriage vows. But about 4 months ago, after being told that “she loved me but was not in love with me,” I told her I wanted a divorce. Never during the 29 years of marriage had I even mentioned that word. During this time, I had a 2 month affair. A few weeks ago, after flip flopping on divorce or not, my wife and I reconciled. Then 2 weeks ago, I confessed my affair to my wife and she said she has forgiven me. We have started marriage counseling, but the process is way too slow. Just this weekend, my wife asked if I was in love with the other woman and I said “yes.” I wish I could have lied to her about this, but I didnt. Can you help me/us?

I am fighting for my married life with my wife of almost 23 years.. She left the marital home 12-27-16 and as of late January already had a boyfriend not to mention the affairs she had before she left me. I am absolutely devastated and basically tried to end it all last Sunday and was Put in a mental health facility for a few days.. I love my wife so much and I have been praying feverishly but she is so far away from God at this point in her life that I fear the absolute worst. I would love to try and attend the marriage 911 weekend but unfortunately I have been unemployed for over a year and I can’t even pay my house note so I have no clue how I could ever pay to go. I have spoke with Amber and she is awesome but unfortunately I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me. I am a broken shell of a man at this point in my life and not sure how to recover. I am trying everything I can but it just seems I am fighting a losing battle at every turn! The program sounds amazing but I just can’t afford it and not sure I could convince my wife to go even if I miraculously came up with the money. 🙁 Thank you for what you do to save people from ruining their lives and those that love them. I wish I could experience it for myself. God bless you guys

bret, i feel your pain brother. my wife dropped the bomb on me 3 days after you posted this (march 24). i discovered that she had been carrying on an emotional affair with some physical/sexual aspects to it (though she swears that, although she had considered it, they did not “consummate” their affair; she offered to get blood tested, etc). with a good friend of ours, who is also married with 2 children. i, of course, devastated. but even as long ago as early last year i had noticed a change in her demeanor toward me, i sensed something was amiss — and so i started taking small steps toward being more present, more involved, working on my own deficiencies (surprising how they can slowly creep up after 10 years of marriage). but i really feel what you’re going through. please, do not grow so despondent that you feel your only recourse is to take your life. do you have children? if so, you need to think of them, that is your primary responsibility through this dark period. i lost a brother to suicide 10 years ago and i’ll tell you, the pain spreads far and wide and never leaves you. we could have helped my brother, and he could have helped himself but lacked the tools and the courage. you can muster up that courage. what to do? well, i am no expert here — I’ve been unwillingly thrown into this mess — but i have learned a lot over the last 6 months. step 1, you need to determine if this infidelity is due to an addiction on her part (sex addiction), or if it’s more emotional/relational. If it’s the former, there is little you can do about it. Seeing as how she has a history of this behavior I fear it may be an addiction. You may need to take the hard line, realize that you are fighting a losing battle, and let her know that you cannot compete with an addiction but that you are willing to help her get help for this. And then tell her you are going to work on yourself, you are going to set boundaries to protect yourself. Find some good people in your life for support. Perhaps give her a timeline and stress that if she cannot bring herself to stop her destructive behavior and get help, then you cannot be pulled in to this. Put the ball in her court, cause her to question her own actions. If it’s the latter (more emotional/relational), then step 2 is to look out for yourself, take care of yourself. especially if you do have dependent children; their father needs to be functional before he can be expected to take care of them. step 3 is to tap into your spirituality, which it sounds like you are a spiritual man. pray for your own strength/courage/wisdom/guidance, as you pray for your wife’s; ask Him to enter your wife’s heart, to intervene and show her that what she is doing is not right in the eyes of God. And just continue to pray for that, daily. Step 4 is to find out exactly why your wife is engaging in this behavior, and what prompted her to it. Did she feel like you weren’t paying enough attention to her? Did you do something to break her trusts or lose faith in you? These are the reasons why my wife drifted. You need to find out the root cause and then DO something to address it, slowly. Be intentional. Write a letter to your wife and read it aloud to her if you need to organize your thoughts, then give it to her to keep/refer back to. Be humble. Own up to your part of the crisis, b/c we all play a part in it. Step 5; do the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. Realize that your wife is going to do what she is going to do, no matter what, and the only thing you can do is show her how YOU have changed. Trust me, if there is any warmth or care there she will pick up on this. Early in our healing process, as I caught my wife still communicating with the OM, I flat out told her “Go! Just go. There is nothing holding you here. But if you are going to stay, please stop communicating with him. Just stop”. (actually, I said this pretty strongly at one point and dropped a few f-bombs, along with something along the lines of “there’s the door!”). And yet, she did not want to. I have asked for full transparency. She’s told me her phone’s passcode. I do believe that she has stopped communicating with the OM; I have also spoken to him on a couple of occasions, and essentially said the same to him, to give us the space we need to work on our marriage and he told me he would stay away (and, in fact, really didn’t want to have anything to do with any of it; I think he feels tremendous guilt, as well, but that’s just my thought). For you, I’m not sure how you would want to proceed with that but my point is you need to let go, at least in your mind. Give it up to God. Know He wants the best for you, and even wants the best for your marriage — but your wife needs to step out of the darkness and be a willing participant. most people involved in affairs know exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, and are not proud of it whatsover. let her know you love her, that you would like to reconcile and fulfill her, that your history together means a great deal to you but you realize that this is as much her decision as hers than yours and that she is free to go, that you will be working on yourself. And then do it. it might just cause her to do a double take, because she will not expect this sudden show of strength and you’ve GOT to be strong here. have some backbone and stand up for what you believe in. i know, i know it’s easy to feel weak — trust me, I’ve been there (was there just a few days ago). i’ve also gone through periods where i’ve felt at peace, felt tremendous strength and resolve and my wife does notice this and does react to it. i have a feeling your wife will, to. I don’t know if your wife is still with you/living with you, but you need to take some positive action, my friend. I have, and I’ve seen some good results (but it’s not a done deal by any stretch). In fact, just over the last few days, as my wife was preparing to go on a road trip with her best girlfriend and our sons (I am meeting up with them later this week as I have work commitment to get out of the way first), i got upset at her one evening b/c i feel like i initiate nearly all the physical contact (the hugs, touches on the arm, etc), and that we just seem more like roommates much of the time, that this is not what marriage is all about and that showing affection for one another is human kindness and does not have to be construed with wanting “more” (in our case, we have not been sexually intimate since march and my wife is not ready for that at this time; she feels that “one thing could lead to another” and that too much affection will be misconstrued as an invitation to go to bed with each other). well, after my reaction that evening, she called me the next morning and said that she was wrong, she should have just hugged me when she got in from work. i also sent her a follow-up email the next day, elaborating on some things, and also an article from the gottman institute on reacting to “bids” we make for each other’s attention which she reacted positively to. between friday and when she left for the road trip yesterday she has been unusually more attentive: a couple of nice hugs, gratitude for things I do for her, some spooning in bed both mornings, and a sweet hug with a couple of quick kisses before she left. i’m encouraged. i’ll be praying for you, bret. rob

I left my husband 2 months ago. There was physical abuse in the past and now there is emotional and verbal abuse. I couldn’t deal with his attitude anymore. After he fussed me out in front of our two year old daughter I packed everything and left. I have dealt with so much from him that I refuse to also deal with his verbal abuse. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I planned on getting a divorce but he asked me to try counseling one more time (we’ve done it twice before). I don’t have faith that it is work if we did counseling. I saw this article and I wanted to believe that your program could give us hope. Whatever happens, I believe we both need help to move forward.

Praise the lord brother pray for my broken family would be build in the name of jesus christ so that i will be a testemony to all that my god is living god so bro pls pray for me and for my son so that he would be stay with me and my wife with me to praise him with my family pls keep remember in your prayes to be build my broken family in the name of jesus cyhrist. my rajasheaker and my wife name is ujjwala and my son name is andrewamithraj so pray for our broken would be build in the name of jesus christ Amen

My wife left me about 3 weeks ago. Do through going through my phone n seeing text messages. But before that she was always telling me she wasn’t happy. But i akeays took care of my wife paid all the bills her car note n all. She only has to take care of the kids I even help with that. Thinking everything was good but apparently not. We been together 19 years married 12. I justt couldn’t see how she wasnt happy. But she wasn’t. I think it some one else which she says it’s not she s just tired of my controlling ways. But n my eyes that’s still no reason to leave I think we should have worked on it it went to counseling. We have 3 kids. A 5 year old 13 year old n a 20 year old. I have been down for the last 3 weeks becuz I’m lost without my wife I really n truly love my wife since she been gone it has been ruff. But now I’m working on myself trying to get rid of these controlling ways. Hoping if she decides to come back I will be prepared to be the husband she need not financially but mental. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a easy process I be wanting to give up daily. But no lie shes wroth fighting for to me. I may not get her back but what can I lose by changing my self I already lost everything. I atarting this marrige help page be Cuz I need help on getting my wife back.

I’ve been with my husband 6 years and only married 2, actually our anniversary was 2 days ago but we aren’t on good terms and didn’t even talk. I’ve been so negative since the wedding and buying a house that I’ve neglected him and he confided in his best friend. And now he is falling in love with her and out of love with me. He says he still loves me but is not IN love with me anymore. I feel as if I’m going crazy now thinking about all the times I was an asshole and ignored him or didn’t want to do things with him and I feel terrible. I know this is my fault and he keeps telling me it’s not but I csnt help but blame myself. I love him so much and want to make this work but the fight is hard and the fact that we don’t have kids makes me feel that he could leave me at any moment because he’s not tied down (minus our 3 dogs and house) I’m scared I’m too late and don’t want to give up hope but it’s hard to stay strong. Plus his best friend who he is now having an emotional affair with is his co-worker, making it even more difficult for me. Knowing she is in a 10 year relationship and buying a house helps because I don’t think she’ll give that up so fast but it’s still hard to not be jealous and have trust issues. I know he needs his space to miss me and fall back in love with me but I csnt help but think that space will just push him towards her and farther away from me .

I’ve been with my wifefor 14 years and married to her for eight. I just found out yesterday That she’s moving out next week. We have been sleeping separate for the past two weeks and financially we are not in a good position to add more dept on our lives. We pay rent and a car note also a credit card and now she’s getting another apartment and moving out with my three kids. I lost my job last year and have always been the bread winner. After loosing my job I decided to open up my own business and it’s been a journey. She now has a temporary job and makes more than me and know I’m stuck with no plan on paying all the bills alone. She has always had a very explosive carácter and loved to jump in my face when arguing and I don’t like to be pushed and have someone in my personal space. So I found things to do to block her and her fights which made everything worse. I was not raised by an example dad but no where close to what he was, but it seems that I need to work on being a better man than a better father and finally a better husband. I just read a lot today fo the first time in my life and Wish that I would found help earlier. I asked her not to leave but it seems that her mind is set and we are having a family meeting this Saturday to let the kids know they will be living one week with her and one with me. This is not how I want it to be but can’t control and just told her today that I support her decision. Can you please help me with this situation I have one week and the clock is ticking. I am willing to change to be a better man and understand her. Please I feel horrible, helpless and haven’t figured out how to overcome this and how to pay for everything. Please I need guidance. I don’t want to loose her and this relationship.

I’ve been with my husband for 31 years. We have a 8 year-old daughter. We have had ups and downs. But most of our relationship has been great. I moved my best friend in with us because she was without a home. She was here about a month and they where going out about 2 or 3 Times a week. He kept telling me nothing was going on between them. I believed him. He always said I’m coming home to you aren’t I. A month of this went by I found out she had been playing mind games with both of us. He thinks she can do no wrong. It sent me over the edge. I thought about ending my life. I did try. I went in the hospital to get professional help. Which I did. While I was there the 1st night they started having a relationship which lead to them both moving in with his mom. It’s been 2 months now my daughter don’t understand any of this. She has a slight case of down syndrome so she probably never will. I know he still loves us. I think it because now he can live a partying life.. I want him to come home so bad. I would like to do this program but I don’t make much money and he loss his job since all this happened. So me and my daughter live in about $160 a week. I’m lost and need help

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment

Name *

Email *

Marriage Compatibility Test

Learn the level of compatiblity you and your spouse share and how your incompatibilities might cause issues. We can help you overcome the problems so that your marriage can not only survive but be strong. Click here to take the marriage compatibility test.

Affair Test

Do you suspect your wife or husband is having an affair? Though we encourage you to assume the best about your spouse, there are times when evidence and suspicions become a weight on your mind and marriage. We can help you get a good idea if your fears are justified. Click here to take the affair test.