Thursday, 28 March 2013

A Single Lady's Advice To Single Ladies

I’ve thought about writing this for a while but wondered
where to start. A recent occurrence helped me make up my mind.

After being in a
couple of relationships that didn’t quite work out, I asked a friend of mine
why she hadn’t considered a male friend of hers I felt was okay. The guy didn’t
hide the fact that he really liked her and wanted to be with her; and he was
the one who saw her through most of her breakups. She grimaced and told me she
wasn’t attracted to him at all and that he wasn’t the kind of person she would
like to be seen in public with.

Fast-forward a few more years-she’s getting
married pretty soon…and yes, to the guy in question!

I’m sure she can’t
remember telling me, but I can and it’s haunting. Sometimes I want to confront
her, ask her what changed, confirm if she knows what she’s doing or if she’s
finally allowed the pressure get to her, and then I remind myself it’s probably
not in my place; but that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Forgive my
digression.

If you’ve been observant you would’ve noticed an increase in
cases of domestic violence, infidelity, divorce, separations, single parenthood
and other challenges that confront the institution of marriage.In summary, the
distortion and disintegration of the single most important unit in the society
has become a pandemic; so common place it’s now one of those things. It’s been
of great concern to me ‘cos I can see how easy it is to end up in the shoes of
those who have had to deal with these issues firsthand. What’s worrisome is the
fact that we ladies aren’t learning from the mistakes of those who have gone
before. We read the stories and watch the news and shake our heads in empathy
and disgust, certain such things can never happen to us…until they do. We go
into relationships that are doomed from the very beginning, ignoring obvious
signs that should cause us to pause and re-evaluate, with the hope that things
will get better. I’m not talking about this from a holier than thou
perspective. It’s as much a note to self as it is advice for any lady who cares
enough to listen.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks, broken one or two hearts and made mistakes, but
I’m glad I’ve learnt and can confidently say I’m a better person for it. I’ve
put together some thoughts and values that guide my relationship and my
expectations of the guy I would eventually settle down with. I do hope it
brings clarity and direction for some confused lady out there…

Know What You Want

Before you venture into a relationship with any man you need
to first define who you are, what you stand for, what your values are, where
you are going, your likes, your dislikes, what makes you happy, what you’re
afraid of, what makes you tick, what you love about yourself, what you don’t,
what you want in a guy, what you don’t, what you want your future to look like,
the kind of life you want to live. Bottomline-know yourself inside out ‘cos its
very easy to lose your identity in a relationship. But beyond that, it’ll also
be easy to know when someone isn’t meant for you or when someone is, when you
deserve better or when you’re compromised.

I was engaged to this guy and wedding plans were already
underway. I called the engagement off to the mortification and utter shock of
friends who felt I had caught a really big fish; the kind of guy ladies would
kill for and they couldn’t understand how I could be stupid enough to dump him
back in the ocean. For everyone that asked why I did it, I remember telling
them that after all the aso-ebi wearing; I was the one that would have to live
with the guy. I looked into the future and didn’t like what I saw, and decided
to do something about it before it was too late. If I didn’t know who I
was and what I wanted out of life, I would’ve been a Mrs. somebody today, with
a kid or two in tow, unhappy, discontent and resentful.

I believe the concept of Mr. Right is as mythical as
Unicorns. No one person is perfectly suited to someone else. But there are
basics, things that irrespective of class, age or temperament you shouldn’t
compromise. To those of you who aren’t sure, here’s how to know you’re with the
right person; don’t quote me though :)

What’s His Belief System?

I’m not talking Christian or Muslim, I’m talking about his
anchor, his spirituality, and morality; his interpretation of right and wrong,
of human existence; his values and how they translate to everyday life. Where
does he find meaning? What keeps him grounded? If he doesn’t have any, trust me
darling, there’s no point. The end in his case, will always justify the means.

Does He Respect You?

I mean everything you are and what you stand for! Your
family, your friends, your opinions, your dreams, your past, your career. I
find that guys who are disrespectful of women are also psychologically and
verbally abusive. This is even worse than physical abuse ‘cos you have no scars
or injuries to prove it. Ladies in relationships like this have very poor
self-esteem, are very indecisive, rarely share their opinions in public, find
it hard to take compliments and feel like the least beautiful in the room. They
do can do anything to get approval, never feel like they have, and end up
feeling inadequate and undeserving.

Is He A Confident Person?

Can he hold his own during conversations or does he give you
every reason under the sun why he can’t make it for the birthday party?
Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a guy can possess. It transcends
money; it’s the assurance a woman needs that tomorrow is going to be okay.
Dating a guy who has a poor sense of worth for himself and his abilities can be
very emotionally draining because he’s most likely going to project his
dissatisfaction on you and eventually rob you of yours. Sometimes this lack of
confidence manifests as egotism and chauvinism. If he feels the need to remind
you he’s a guy and in charge of the relationship then there’s a problem. You’ll
find that getting him to see things from your perspective or to listen to
advice will be practically impossible ‘cos to him doing that is accepting you
know better.

Does He Love You?

I mean love the way 1st Corinthians 13 defines it, not love
like we know it to be these days. Love is a gut feeling, a knowing that you’ll
be okay with him. It’s knowing you don’t have to bend over backwards to please
him. When he doesn’t deploy reverse psychology to keep you in a perpetual state
of guilt or dredge up long forgotten fights every time there’s a new one, when
he’s not intimidated by your tall dreams and desire to want to be your own
person and ensures you stay connected to those who matter to you, if he’s the
first person you run to when you feel overwhelmed, if he keeps you focused and
does not exploit your weaknesses or insecurities; then he loves you.

Is He Responsible?

Can he be held accountable? Can he be depended on? Will he
keep his side of the agreement? Does he understand the spiritual, cultural and
social duties he ought to perform? Does he understand his job description? In
fact, does he know he has one? The same way some guys describe ladies as ‘take
home to mama’ I feel there should be ‘take home to papa’ guys. The major reason
why families are in such a state today is attributable to the utter
irresponsibility of a majority of the male species. He cheats on his wife; it’s
her fault. If she hadn’t put on so much weight he wouldn’t have noticed his
secretary. The teenage son is caught doing drugs, it’s the mother’s fault; she
didn’t bring him up properly. You’re doing the dishes and making breakfast and
spring cleaning and loading the washer with a kid strapped on your back and he
calls out to you in the kitchen, asking where the hell you kept the TV remote.
Need I say more?

Where Is He Going?

What’s the big picture for him? Is he a dreamer? Does he see
a future that excites you? Is he constantly seeking out opportunities and ways
to make tomorrow better or is he counting the number of years it’ll take him to
get to level 8 in the Nigerian Civil Service? If he’s not ambitious chances are
he’ll try to keep you from reaching forward as well. The most damaging
consequence for me is how fast you’ll lose respect for him and wish you ended
up with someone else. Look for a guy who’s going somewhere, who is on a journey
and believes the destination is in sight; your successes and achievements will
be less intimidating.

The Money Equation

A young lady I know came to me and said she needed my
advice. I listened. The story: There’s this guy who’s been on her case and
wanted to go out with her. He’d gone to great lengths to get her number and was
‘toasting’ her relentlessly. He was a Muslim, in his thirties, said he wasn’t
married, lived in a different city and had a lot of money. She told him to give
her some time to think about it even though she already seemed predisposed to
the idea. She wanted to know what to do. So I asked questions…

Do you want to go out with him?

Yes.

Why do you want to go out with him?

‘Cos I can go back to school (She had dropped out due to
lack of funds) and I won’t have to worry about money anymore.

Hmmm...Ok.

He’s a muslim, you attend Redeemed. How do you want to cope
with this?

Slumped shoulders.

Since money is the major reason why he’s attractive to you,
what happens when someone with more money comes along?

Blink.

Blink.

I stopped asking questions. I hope my advice to her that day
made a lasting impact.

I remember a friend of my elder sister’s saying she couldn’t
date a guy if he didn’t live within the VGC axis. This was close to a decade
ago. She’s still not married. The thing is, by the time the guy moves from
Berger to Yaba to V/I to VGC, he’ll most likely be taken by some lady who wasn’t
afraid to live in Berger. You may say stories abound of women who stood by
struggling guys only for the guys to make it and ditch them or marry younger
women. I’d say for every one of those, there’s a story with a happy ending. I’m
not saying marry a broke ass, I’m saying, let the guy’s bank account not be the
reason why you choose to be or not be with him…

This list is by no means exhaustive so feel free to share
your thoughts.

9 comments:

Hey naomi! This piece is incredible. Nice one. Can family background be a reason for u to breakup with someone? I have been dating this guy 4 a long time now and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. A man who respects and adores me the way he does is a man to behold. Now the problem is his mother. She is domineering and likes to interfere her childrens' private affairs. From wat ive heard about her, she turned her husband against his people and looks down on people alot. Some people even call her a bad woman. My people keep advicing me to leave my guy b4 its too late. I dont know wat to do. Pls help

Hey naomi! This piece is incredible. Nice one. Can family background be a reason for u to breakup with someone? I have been dating this guy 4 a long time now and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. A man who respects and adores me the way he does is a man to behold. Now the problem is his mother. She is domineering and likes to interfere her childrens' private affairs. From wat ive heard about her, she turned her husband against his people and looks down on people alot. Some people even call her a bad woman. My people keep advicing me to leave my guy b4 its too late. I dont know wat to do. Pls help

While I am no expert on matters of the heart, I'll attempt to answer your question. I believe family background can be a reason for u to breakup with someone. While it's not necessary that you get along with your boyfriend's family, it's of utmost importance. It's the family you are marrying into. His people become yours and if you don't get along it can be a frustrating, miserable existence. Having said that however, I think whether you break up or remain in that relationship depends on two things. 1. All you mentioned about his mum, did you experience it first hand or is it all hear say? If she hasn't given you cause to begin to think of leaving the guy, there's no need to become paranoid based on what you've heard. 2. Does your boyfriend have a mind of his own? Does he/will he protect you and his relationship from external interference? What's his relationship like with his mum? Is he a mummy's boy or is he able to express his opinions whether they align with hers or not? I'm asking to give you pointers as to what to look out for. At the end of the day, follow your heart and your instincts and seek the face of God that you will end up with the guy that will help you fulfill the destiny he has laid out for you. All the very best.

I like to assume all my friend's getting married lately have the answer to this question, but i know its not true and i may never know the gravity of the untruth!

However as someone who has been dating the same man for 8years and my longest and only relationship prior to this was two months, i have some experience at making relationships if not marriages work. He's my biggest motivator, can smell my worried feelings across the ocean, is a giver and people helper like me and is proud of my achievements even when im doing better than he is. So with all these accolades and our years of being together, do i think he's mr right? He now clubs more often, goes to church less, and boasts about his achievements on every available social media platform possible. While i want to pull his teeth out, ive learnt to live with it, cos when we met, i was most of those things and he was not. People change, can we keep changing our Mr Right with each whim? I wont. His core personality hasn't changed and that's why he's mine whether right or left.