Posted By Lu Hanessian On September 16, 2012 @ 10:48 am In Uncategorized | No Comments

We do a lot of things at the crossroads between impatience and indignation.

We’ve asked once. Twice. More?

We are itching to leave now. We anticipate the next few hours, the things we still have to do, the grocery shopping, the making of dinner, the readying for bed, the eventual silence of a house asleep. The personal needs. What? Yes, the personal needs: for order, for peace, for feeling alive, nourished, rested, inspired.

Kids still playing on the swings, in the sandbox, at the park. Kicking the ball. Climbing the slides. Hanging from monkey bars.

Let’s go, you say. Now. Please. No more please. NOW. Nothing.

Your blood boils. You feel outright ignored.

And then, you say it.

“I’m leaving, Bye.”

And you walk. You walk, knowing with every cell in your body that you are not leaving. Knowing also with every fiber of your being that they will jump off the bars, slide down the slide, grab the ball, get off the swing and run. They’ll come.
They’ll chase you down.
They’ll catch up.
They’ll be in the car in thirty seconds flat.

But you feel…sullied, somehow.

Why do I have to threaten with that? THAT. That leaving thing. Why do I leverage mock abandonment when I’m feeling desperate for instant cooperation?

There is NO judgment here. I don’t judge any of us for our feelings, choices, actions or emotions. What I feel for, though, is how WE feel about ourselves (and our kids) in these moments of learned helplessness and powerlessness when the best creative idea we grasp is one we don’t feel proud, confident, peaceful and grateful about.

We insist, “I don’t know what else to say.”
Or we say, “They don’t listen any other way.”

And we convince ourselves this is true.

I am against coercion not just because it teaches our kids to be defensively controlled through fear (even in intimate relationships), but for another reason we rarely, if ever, read or hear about: we are limiting ourselves and narrowing our creative faculties, by resorting to the quickest, simplest scare tactics that may seem benign, but may have their deepest effect…on us.

I’m not one to lay down the gavel on our parenting approaches. That’s not my role or my place. I have a heart for our kids, of course I have enormous compassion for parents. So when I’m talking about coercion and our parenting frustrations, it’s not to have you and I feel guilty but to inspire and empower us to feel empathy for our own need to “play bigger game” as a parent. You know what I mean by that?

I hear from so many parents around the world who suffer. Really suffer. Guilt. Shame. Regret. Exhaustion. Doubt. Anxiety. And all of the same in their children. Or fear of the same developing in their children because of their perceived flaws. My heart is full of compassion for us all.

We can feel the weight of 1000 elephants on our head some days, the air scarce to breathe, the walls closing in on other days. We lose sight of the horizon. We do what we can to get the fastest exit door.

Coercion is often the quickest route to the exit door.

My compassionate concern for us (and our kids) is that our reflexive or resigned use of coercion in parenting — because we think we have no other recourse — is effectively curbing our OWN enthusiasm for parenting.

Yes, coercion hurts. Everyone.

How can we gain loving cooperation from our kids when we’ve already set a coercive dynamic in motion?

For the most part, children love change, even if they struggle with transition. Why? Our brains are designed for novelty. Novelty actually promotes neuroplasticity, or the capacity for the brain to change. If you find you and your kids are in a “cooperation-coercion-rut,” take heart.

You can change the dynamic through, well, changing the…dynamic.

It begins with us. Yes, me and you.
Set a different tone and communicate your intention clearly and non-coercively to your kids.

HERE’S AN EXAMPLE of how we might do this, with explanation in parenthesis. I’ll follow it up with alternate coercive language in ITALICS:

>> “(gather kids with you in a quasi huddle) Before we get to the park, I’d like to ask you 3 things.

>> We’re going to go have lots of fun, play, get sweaty, and have our snacks and all that good stuff. Now, while we’re playing, I’m going to also be the Timekeeper…since we don’t want to be here once the sun goes down and everyone’s gone home for dinner!

(humor relaxes the brain and makes kids more open to what we are saying)

>>”So, here are the 3 things I ask of you. Ready? OK:

(eye contact and smile, engaging the right brain in our kids)

1. Play safe!
2. Have fun together and with others!
3. Listen carefully for my Time Check. When you hear me say, “OK! There’s a few minutes to Takeoff…get in your last slide, your last swing, last ball kick, we’ll be right ON TIME for departure! I’ll call out, “OK, all aboard! Let’s head home, everyone!” and we’ll all run to the car. In the car, we can talk together and play word games or I Spy…”

(left brain loves the sequence, and right brain is visualizing this), (reinforcing the togetherness aspect is lost in coercive dynamics)(connection is balm; make going home a fun thing, not the end of play, but the continuation of the feeling that play brings which is joy an connection. They will be more enthusiastic about setting the table and helping with dinner.)

I’m not one for scripting.

But sometimes, it’s good to read an example of something to get the feeling behind the words. Use your own words. Always. Or it isn’t coming from you. You may have to use new words. That reflect new feelings. Experiment. Listen for their responses. ENGAGE. That’s one of my favorite words in parenting…and I use it in every single workshop I’ve ever taught.

OK so here’s the flip side of that transaction:

“OK! Fine, I’ll take you to the park. BUT…if you don’t listen to me, we’ll turn right around and go home. Do you understand me? I swear it. I have one hour. Get in the car now or we won’t go. (they don’t move) OK, we’re staying here. (they protest) I said get in the car or we won’t go. (they dawdle) That’s it, we’re not going! (they scramble; you’re fed up; but you go)

(at the park) It’s time to go home now! (no response) Hey! Did you hear me? Get down now. Alright, you know what? I’m leaving. Bye. (you feel angry, taken advantage of, and your body is shut down, you spend the rest of the car ride with at least one child crying and you yelling over her that you warned her etc.)(in the car) That’s the last time we’re going to the park until you can learn to listen. (you make dinner in a fit of frustration, while the kids fight, whine to you, ignore requests for cooperative help, and you feel angry, forsaken and want to escape through the chimney)

This isn’t the “wrong” way to parent. It’s the draining way. I have deep love for families, parents and children everywhere. I don’t want us to feel drained. I want us to feel empowered, inspired, jazzed, confident, connected, grateful, loved, loving, and fiercely proud of the families we’re helping to grow.

I want us to feel and be healthy.

I want us to know that although coercion may be “the way the world works”…it doesn’t work well.

I want us to believe that we can be great communicators. And model for our children.
I don’t think many parents believe in their ability to communicate their values, their needs, their fears and wishes in appropriate ways, their disappointment and concerns in ways that don’t unintentionally shame their kids.

We are not stuck on two polar ends of the communication spectrum–not saying what we mean…or not meaning what we say. No. We can communicate our heart’s intent.

There’s one thing we need to do that:

To access our own heart.
For that, coercion cannot be invited to the party.
It will overturn the table, crash the fruit punch bowl, and stop the music.

OK, so this moment. After you finish reading this. Get a pen and something to write on. A grocery receipt, even. And, if you feel inclined to, write down the answers to these 5 questions:

1. How do I want my kids to see me?
2. How do I want to feel as a parent?
3. What are the three core values I want to instill in my kids?
4. How do I personally show up in the world living and parenting with these values?
5. What will I choose to see-think-do differently today?

Here’s one last bit to ponder.

Irony is this: when we use coercion on someone else, our child, we are, in essence, coercing ourselves.
In other words…”if I don’t give my kid an ultimatum, I will look like a pushover parent.”
“If I don’t coerce him now, he will think he can ignore me.”

We pressure ourselves.
We buckle under that pressure.

When we get the “results” we want through coercion, we might feel strangely disconnected and dissatisfied inside.

Why?

Our child listened. But…not to us. He listened to our coercion.

That’s not who we are. Coercers.
That’s not who our children are. The coerced.
When we’re conscious of how we and our kids feel, we can tap into what we both need. This is our practice of creating an empowering climate of trust, awareness, curiosity and self-compassion through mindful discipline (positive learning) for both our kids and ourselves.