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That Blog

That Blog: Bored, Lonely and Unwanted. Oh, and Angry.

Without getting too sentimental, that more or less sums up my online presence right about now. I don't want to go on a rant about my own shortcomings or the inadequacies of others, but sometimes, it's just too hard to be nice, you know?

If I were being nice, then I'd say, rather vaguely, that the root cause of my current state of affairs is that I have nothing to do. Not untrue. Not untrue at all. But I'm not in the mood for putting a politically-correct smile on everything. In truth, I've got a whole bunch of grievances to air.

Let's begin with the trivial. I bet that, not five minutes after I post this, someone else will post a blog entry that consists of no more than two or three non-serious sentences written in capital letters that might as well have just not been posted at all. And that will be the 'featured blog entry' for the next seven hours. I'm not hungry for attention; I just find it insulting that I spend so much time and effort on these long, essay-like blog posts, and yet they don't get a moment of advertisement, because someone else has decided to write 'BLAHDEBLAHDEBLAH HUR HUR HUR AREN'T I FUNNY' and post that for no reason whatsoever. Perhaps they're trolling. Perhaps this is the reaction they want. Perhaps they're stupid. Or, in politically-correct fairness, maybe they just don't have anything better to do. Or perhaps they won't, because, unlike when this has happened to me every time before, I'm exposing a more emotionally negative side that, out of context, portrays me as a total prima donna. But I digress. Either way, they can't have anything better to do than strategically time their pointless blog posts to irritate the more serious ones among us.

Don't get me wrong; I have the utmost respect for those who, like me, actually take time to write something worth the time it takes to both write and read, and if that's the next person to post, then fair play to them. But only if it is someone who has chosen to post, despite having other things to do, and chosing to do so for the true value of posting, and not due to a lack of other forms of entertaining social input.

Which ties in quite nicely with my next issue. I'm bored and am void of anything better to do than rant. Bored, bored, bored. So what? you may ask. Go and cry me a river. Why should I care? I'll tell you why you should care: because you obviously care enough to read my blog. So nuts to you.

But why am I bored? For the same reason I'm feeling lonely and unwanted. I don't want to point the finger at anyone, but m'colleague just isn't posting in our project (you know the one I mean), so my effectual internet livelihood* has, at least for the moment, been stifled. It hasn't stopped altogether (thank fuck) but it certainly feels like it's about to, at any second. Is it my fault for having nothing better to do with my time? Well, that could be partly to blame, but hello? I'm not the one who's abstaining from posting. That's a pretty solid reason right there.

And if you're reading this, m'colleague, two things. First, this has been brewing for a while, and second: don't worry, I'm sure you won't read this at all, given that you seem to care less about me with each passing day, never mind what I have to say in my blog or what goes on in my day-to-day life, and given that you're the type to say 'fuck it- tl;dr'- so don't take it personally. Yes, it's a criticism. But I'm in a bad mood. And like the trolls of the BMGf blog section, I have nothing better to write. If I were being civil, perhaps I'd have written all of this in British Saurian, but I just cannot be bothered converting all of those 0s into Ys and Ůs, so I'll just complain in English, and you're going to deal with it.

I wouldn't mind so much, as I'd gladly allow m'colleague however much holiday from the project he desires. But it's not that he's holidaying. He's flat-out ignoring me. I appreciate that he might want a break, but the least he could do is tell me. Maybe then I wouldn't hypothesise and come up with rants like these. Because ranting thusly is the bane of the loquacious. And loquacious I most certainly am. But what irked me most was that, at 4.08AM British time, he sent a VM to someone in another RP criticising them for not posting. So, yeah. I'm being neglected without explanation. I reserve the right to be pissed off.

Essentially, if I've offended anyone, I seriously don't care. Or, let's put it this way: I care about that as much as people care about me. In other words, not at all. I'm discontent. Deal with it. And if you're going to criticise me, save your breath. Criticise someone else. I'm not in the mood for it.

*And by livelihood, I do mean it. The project has come to mean so much to me that, A) without it, I really have nothing to do, and B) I'd sooner die than have it prematurely end before it reaches its actual conclusion. Yes, I'm that much of a fucking nutjob.

Yeah. I mean, it's really, really damn annoying when people set something up with you and are aware of how much you've invested but proceed to just drop it out of nowhere and don't seem to actually have a good reason for being so lacklustre/totally gone about it.

Thanks, I guess. I'll go ahead and indulge myself in the form of taking that as a compliment. Am I too nice? Is that the problem? Because bottling my emotions up only ends up in rants like the above blog post...

You'd better, that's generally how I meant it. :P I think we have the same problem. I don't know about you/if this is always the case for you, but I very often get angry at unfair treatment but proceed to speculate that it was my fault or just bottle it up. It's really unfair, but of course people never seem to like it when you're honest about what has irritated you and admit you think it's their fault. ~_~

I agree wholeheartedly. So I can conclude that I'm too nice and too afraid of retribution for my honesty, so hide how I really feel, then explode at the slightest provocation, but only in such a way that my words can only really hurt myself, while providing nothing more than an entertaining show for any onlookers.

Even after I'm done moving house, to a detached house, I'll still probably be too scared to let my emotions out. There'll be nobody around to bother, but I will still be too much of a pussy to vent my feelings. Doesn't bottling this up lead to cancer, and that sort of shit?

...Essentially, yes, since stress impacts the overall health and the immune system. In fact, after my dad left, my pulse alone dropped from the constant high of around 130 to a much healthier 89, and that was just the stress of having such an irritating and inconsiderate person around. :I

Oh. Well, there goes my prospect of a long, fulfilling life
I've just come out the other end of five gruelling years of commuting twenty miles to school on two buses that rarely run to schedule, and when they do, they don't do so in sync, and now that I'm free of that stress (that, may I point out, has been dogging me since age eleven), I'm met with this. Never mind the emotional embargo I'm forced under at home by my mother who really thinks she's some kind of god...
It's been fun, but I suppose I should prepare to die sometime in my thirties, maybe forties?

I know. I'm used to the system. I'm just sick of pointless blogs that are posted mere seconds after (e.g.) my longer posts get to be shown there, on what becomes a social pedestal, simply for being posted a little later than mine (i.e. the longer post gets no time on said pedestal at all). Surely they should be moderated, or something? I mean, come on. Some of us take blogging seriously, while others just post nonsense in capital letters and call it a blog. I don't want to name names, because, as outlined above, that would make me feel like a douchebag.

As far as my mother goes...well, she goes beyond the classic 'I'm the parent; you do as I say' thing. She treats anyone who isn't a cat like that. Even her own husband. She demands respect without giving respect herself. She bitches about other people but can't take the smallest criticism about herself. She's been trying to trip my father up into doing something the courts would consider 'unreasonable behaviour' so she can divorce him like she did with three men before him. Incidentally, my three siblings all have different fathers. But this is all way off the point. I'm just ranting about my personal life now.

Oh, I can understand that in some ways. My dad would manipulate/guilt/scare you into doing whatever he thought you should but undermined all opinions and feelings if they weren't in line with his. I've got three siblings with different parents, too, though not for the same reasons.

Dude, trust me, if you wanna rant at someone about anything, I am here. I may not be good for much, but empathy I can do.

Thanks. It's nice to know there's someone there to lend an ear. Living with my mother is maddening. It's a wonder I have an ego at all, the way she acts. My father and I have more or less agreed that, through her eyes, the hierarchy at home is something resembling this. From most, down to least, important:

~Her Almighty Lady and Grace The All-Powerful Lady Of The Manor~
-Topical stuff She cares about
-The cats
-Maternal extended family
-Pointless stuff
-Paternal extended family
-My father
-Whatever happens to be in the toilet bowl right now
-Me