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Uchiyama Roshi: Right now, right here, I live simply

On another thread, we have been discussing being both too loose and negligent ... and too obsessive and driven by some desire ... in Zen Practice. Uchiyama Roshi tells one of the most amazing stories I have come across about being desirous in one's Zazen. Too much Zazen misses the mark as much as no Zazen. Desiring enlightenment drives right past what one searches for.

(Perhaps this is also one of the clearest descriptions of what Dogen expressed as "Body-Mind Dropped Off" too.)

It is from Uchiyama Roshi's portion of the book "Dogen's Genjo Koan - Three Commentaries". It mentions a "Zenpan", a special wooden support to hold the chin up so that one may sleep in the Lotus Posture (I have done that too, although it is discouraged these days most times).

It also mentions a "kyosaku/keisaku", a stick used (not in our Sangha or among most of Nishijima Roshi's students however) to strike a dozer on the shoulder for a "wake up".

===========================

Too many people believe that this world exists to satisfy desires,
which are based on their self-centered thoughts. In reality, this world
does not exist to fulfill our desires. In fact, things do not proceed in
accordance with our expectations. And yet, somehow, we don't accept
this. Consequently, we often complain that things do not go well, and
we struggle and make a great fuss.

When we reflect on ourselves, we understand that this way of living
In samsara is caused by our own incompIeteness. So then, we want to
practice to go beyond ourselves and attain enlightenment. I think many
people who practice zazen originally had this thought.

And yet, there is a problem here. In the desire to go beyond our-
selves and attain enlightenment, we want to make ourselves into the
people we want to be. What will actually happen when we seriously
practice the Buddha Way with such a desire? This is not [just]someone
else's problem; I also began to practice the Buddha Way with exactly
this attitude.

I wanted to throw myself into the Buddha Way and practice zazen.
I was ordained by Sawaki Roshi in 1941. Following Sawaki Roshi's
instruction, I started to walk the path of real zazen practice at Daichuji
Temple in Tochigi Prefeture. At the time, we had two five-day Sesshins
each month. One sesshin was led by Sawaki Roshi,and we had [chanting] services,
lectures, and so on. But in the other sesshin we simply repeated fifty
minutes of zazen and ten minutes of kinhin (walkng meditation) from
two in the morning until midnight. We had three meals a day, and right
after each meal we had thirty minutes of kinhin. We sat twenty-two
hours a day. Even the two hours from midnight to two, we sIept in sit-
ting posture, putting our chin on a support called a zenpan. We were in
the sitting posture for almost twenty-four hours a day. Except for the
two hours of sleep, someone walked around with the kyosaku (Wake-up
staff).

We had this type of sesshin once a month. In December, we also had
a seven-day session with the same schedule. During such a sesshin, espe-
cially at its end, I could not keep awake. No matter how hard we were
hit when we fell asleep, we could not wake up. Sometimes my shoulder
would be swollen.

Even though I practiced Zazen undergoing such extreme difficult
sesshins, during that time l settled down into the life of the Buddha
Way and practiced wholeheartedy expecting that l would improve
myself and have a good result sometime in the future. …
When I practiced at Daichuji, I thought that if l kept
Practicing zazen in that way somehow I would become a better person。
After several years of practice, the only clear thing l found was that no
matter how many years l kept practicing zazen, I would not produce
any desirable results.

Consequently, I began to wonder why l would spend my life doing
such a thing. … Once l wrote a detailed letter to Sawaki Roshi about my
question. In response, Sawaki Roshi sent a letter with Dogen Zenji’s
poem included in Eiheikoroku [Extensive Record of Eihei Dogen, Man-
zan‐bon vol.10,#65]:

Forgetting all dichotomies
My mind is peaceful.
Within Buddha dharma
All things appear at the same time in front of me.
From now on, my mind is settled,
I leave everything to causes and condtions.

Although Sawaki Roshi sent the poem, since my struggles were
exacty because I wanted to attain that state of mind, it didn't help me
at all. …

For about five years, I was in the midst of a very deep and serious distress.
While l was at Teishoji Temple in Saku,Shinshu (Nagano Prefec-
ture) from 1948 to 1949, I was really in the dark as to my zazen practice.
I could not do anything about it. I had to throw everything away: my
doubts and thinking. One evening l sat alone in the zendo and l felt a
release. After this experience, I wrote something like a waka poem:

Since young people today have little experience of military drills [like in school in Japan before the war],
they probably don't understand this poem. When we had mock war-
fare, during the daytime in mid-summer, we had to wear heavy equip-
ment, carry guns, and run over a vast field. We were covered with
sweat. In such a situation, when the drill instructor gave a command
for cease fire, I felt relieved from the hard exercise, and suddenly felt
a cool breeze. I experienced this during my school years. While I was
sitting alone in the zendo, I again experienced this exact feeling. At the
time, I didn't understand why l felt such a release. But, I thought, zazen
is probably like this.

In the Fall of1949, after l moved to Antaiji in Kyoto, Sawaki Roshi
Said in his teisho [Dharma Talk] “Buddha Dharma is immeasurable and boundless; it
cannot be something which fulfills your desire for satisfaction.” Upon
hearing this, I felt heaven and earth turn upside down. Until then, I had
been fussing and struggling with a desire to improve myself and attain
enlightenment . …
… [S]everal years ago, after I moved to Kohata, I wrote
a poem for my New Years greeting card titled “A Letter.” I found l had
settled down a bit.

A LETTER

I struggled in many ways
ln my youth.
Moving here and there
Like a leaf blown in the wind.
Finally I drifted to a sunny spot
By the [statue of] Jizo Bodhisattva in Kohata,
Being satisfied with dissatisfaction.
Right now, right here
I live simply.

Truly great read. How old (young) was Uchiyama Roshi when he describes his "dark" years? It seems like something many of us go through and one of the things that has always drawn me to this zen stuff is that there have always been moments when some release was experienced: either in a race, in study, in a relationship, just some giving up was what was needed. I think when we're young we tend to want to control and fight everything, even if it means fighting to get enlightenment, fighting to become better, and at some point there is that moment when the fight is given up.

Thanks for that, Jundo.
From memory, Uchiyama's student Okumura also speaks out against too much Zazen in his Living By Vow. He seems to feel that there was too much Zazen at Antaiji, where their sittings are 45 to 50 mins each ... and in three five hour blocks on five-day Sesshins. I think he indicates that this amount of Zazen is simply not needed to have a full practice.

That said, intensive practice on Sesshin does deepen practice no end, in my experience ... even if there is no "improving", and no good or bad practice.

Thank you. In a way, this reminds me of something I read in an article about Kobun Chino Otagawa. Apparently, he often cautioned students against the practice of over sitting, which he called "sitting hard." He knew the importance of Zazen, obviously, but urged students to take their practice into the world, a practice they began to refer to as "Guerrilla Zen."

Hi , thank you for this!
Only you know truly if you are too loose or too tight (though sometimes it helps to have a second opinion!). I have gone too tight and too loose often and each leads to the other. I found it took practice and awareness of it happening to settle it some and it still happens (its a very fine line and I often look at just "who" is saying im too tight or too loose - ego tends to be a slippery devil!)

I have been thinking about how we complain about everything, most of the time, all the time.

We want the universe to work exactly as we see it in our imagination. When things don't come out as they should, we suffer.

Zazen is no different. I've met people who will complain about the zafu, the teacher, the zendo, the weather, but they forget about the simplicity of life. Which is beautiful and very satisfying when you realize it.

So they sit for hours and hours a day, expecting something magical to happen.

But then again, there's Nothing Special about sitting.

It's just life.

Thank you for this teaching.

Gassho,

Kyonin

Please remember I am only a priest in training. I could be wrong in everything I say. Slap me if needed.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. Mr. Spock

Thanks for that, Jundo.
From memory, Uchiyama's student Okumura also speaks out against too much Zazen in his Living By Vow. He seems to feel that there was too much Zazen at Antaiji, where their sittings are 45 to 50 mins each ... and in three five hour blocks on five-day Sesshins. I think he indicates that this amount of Zazen is simply not needed to have a full practice.

That said, intensive practice on Sesshin does deepen practice no end, in my experience ... even if there is no "improving", and no good or bad practice.

Gassho
Myozan

I can't speak for Okumura roshi re: what might be too much zazen, but I think you may have misinterpreted what you read in Living By Vow. We follow the same sesshin schedule (14 50 minute periods/day) in our practice with him at Sanshinji that existed (exists) at Antaiji. Of course it's not necessary to practice in that way, but in our lineage we do.

About "too much vs. not enough practice":
I think this is probably an individual thing as well.

What is - for me personally - most important about Zazen:
- To sit every day. Sitting regularly for say 20 mins is more imporant than to sit an awful lot of time on one day and then don't sit at all for several days.
- To incorporate zazen in my daily life
- To sit in order to sit, i.e. no goals.
- To sit with a sincere attitude. Otherwise there is a great danger of shikantaza actually becoming nothing more than daydreaming.
- Not to be attached to sitting: I sit very regularly (hardly missing a day, even when I'm sick), but on those rare days that I cannot sit, I neither feel bad about it nor do I have a bad conscience. If that were the case I would have to change my attitude towards my practice as this would be a sign of attachment. And being attached is one of those things I try to avoid in my life as good as I can.

When it comes to this practice I also love Kodo Sawaki's books. In the German edition of "The Zen Teaching of 'Homeless' Kodo" there is a speech by Uchiyama Roshi called "About Kodo Sawaki Roshi's Zazen" that is simply brilliant. Perhaps Jundo or Taigu have this speech in English somewhere and can share it...

I think some of what Uchiyama describes in terms of long sitting might be culturally located in the sense that the culture in Asia believes in the value of persevering through all obstacles without complaining, thus they come up with a tool, the zenpan, in order to do that. Here in the west we don't believe in that the same way at all (plus we place a lot more value on complaining), so we have different forms and varieties of practice unique to us, like Treeleaf for example.

Let me mention that Taigu and I strongly encourage folks to go for retreats for intensive sittings, Sesshin, of many days ... even a week or two or longer ... waking early in the morning, sitting late into the evening. All Zen Teachers that I know do. Why? I usually write this:

Now, someone might ask too, "if each moment is all time and space, and Zazen is 'good for nothing', what is the purpose of an intensive Sesshin?" Well, I often say that, sometimes, we need to practice a bit long and hard, morning to night ... sitting and wrestling with 'me, my self and I' ... all to achieve nothing to attain, and taste the good of 'good for nothing'! Going to Retreats, Sesshin and such is a powerful facet of this Practice and not to be missed.

Most Sesshin I know are not quite as long in length or amount of Zazen as at Antaiji, but most sit many times a day, for 30, 40 or 45 minutes at a time, two or three times back to back, in many sets each day. Most intersperse work periods, lecture periods, eating periods, break periods, sleep period, chanting periods ... but all are one, continuous flowing Zazen in its wider meaning. Most still have lots and lots of sitting on the Zafu sitting (especially in Soto Zen). Furthermore, sitting a Sesshin of 14 periods of 50 minutes each will teach one a lot about one's self and this "no gain".

It is really not a matter of long or short, start or finish ... and thus it is very good to sometimes sit perhaps 14 periods of 50 minutes each per day such as at Antaiji! If you can get to a Sesshin were one sits long and hard for days on end (even if not quite as much as Antaiji or the like), I truly recommend it as integral to this Practice. We sit long and hard sometimes because it truly is not a matter of quantity or the clock or anything to gain!

Strange, huh!?

It is also not a matter of place ... and we should "sit Zazen" too in the hospital bed, death bed, nursery room, grocery line, city bus. Nonetheless, we go to the Retreat at the Zen Center or temple or monastery to sit in a room on a Zafu, precisely because it is not a matter of "where" or "place."

Strange, huh!?

However, if people can't go to a Sesshin because of a physical limitation or other impossibility, that is okay too! If really it is not possible, sit right where one is (or if in that hospital bed, have one's sesshin reclining right there!)

Strange, huh!?

If one sits with greed and desire to attain, than it does not matter if it is 5 seconds or 50 hours or 5000 years ... a waste of time.

If one sits free of greed and desire to attain, than a second is a second of Buddha, 5000 years just 5000 years of Buddha.

This we sit each day ... beyond and right through-and-through the ticking clock. If done with greed, 50 minutes 14 times a day is much too long and much too short AT ONCE! ... what Sawaki Roshi called "sitting with a thief's mind".

In his book Living By Vow, Okumura Roshi tells the following story, very much like Uchiyama Roshi's. This is the same Okumura Roshi who leads the "14 periods of 50 minutes each per day" at his own Zen Center, but he says this:

After graduation l had practiced with Uchiyama Roshi at Antaii-ji until
1975 when he retired. There our practice was focused on sitting. We sat
nine Periods daily for more than a year. We had a five-day sesshin each
month except February and August. During sesshin we sat fourteen
periods a day for five days. We had no ceremony, no chanting, and no
lecture. We just sat.

In 1975 I went to Massachusetts [to build Valley Zendo, a new practice center in the woods
with two other Japanese monks from Antaiji]. … We sat four periods daily. We had a
one-day sesshin every Sunday and a five-day sesshin each month.We cut
trees, pulled out stumps,and made a green garden, all with hand tools.
We dug a well with shovels. We used a huge amount of firewood for
cooking and heating. ... After five years, I had pain in
my neck, shoulders, elbows, and knees from the hard physical labor. I
couldn't work, and sitting sesshin was very difficult. I had no health
insurance or money for medical treatment. I had to return to Japan.
When l got back l was completely alone. My body was half broken.
I had no money, no job,and no place to live or practice. I stayed at my brother’s
apartment in Osaka for several months while he traveled in
the United states. Then l moved to Seitai-an, a small temple in Kyoto
where I lived as a caretaker for three years. Seitai-an is near Antaiji’s
original site. There l had a monthly five-day sesshin with one of my
Dharma brothers and cotranslator, Rev. Daitsu Tom Wright, and a few
other people. I couldn't practice as l had before because of my physical
condition. This was the first time l had lived and practiced alone after
ten years at Antaiji and Valley Zendo. I had to give up medical treat-
ments. Initially l did takuhatsu (begging) to raise money for them.
But during takuhatsu, we hang a zudabukuro (a bag) from our necks.
This aggravted my neck injury and my chiropractor said it wouldn't
get better if l continued to do takuhatsu. It was a vicious circle. Finally
I gave up both takuhatsu and the treatments. I did takuhatsu only a
few times a month to survive. When l had extra income l spent it on
books.

I had a hard time for several months while l was staying at my broth-
ers apartment before moving to Seitai-an. I was bewildered and didn't
know what to do. My biggest problem was that l couldn't practice as
I had for the last ten years because of my physical condition. In my
twenties l had committed my entire life-energy to practice. Nothing
else had seemed important to me. I didn't know how to live outside
that way of Practice.

While in this situation, I read a Japanese translation of Buddha-carita,
a biography of the Buddha written by the famous lndian Buddhist Poet
Asvaghosa. When describing the Buddha’s experience of seeing the old,
sick and dead outside the gates of his Palace, the author refers to the
“arrogance of youth and health.” This expression hit me. I realized that
my belief that practice was the best and most meaningful waγ of life
was nothing more than the "arrogance of youth and health." That’s why
I was at a loss when l could no longer practice that way because of my
health. My previous practice had been an attempt to satisfy a need for
status and benefit. I wanted to live a better life than ordinary people.
Ever since l read Uchiyama Roshi’s book as a high school student and
began practicing according to Dogen Zenji’s teachings, I knew that I
should not practice zazen for gain. Sawaki Roshi, Uchiyama Roshi’s
teacher, said that zazen is good for nothing. Dogen Zenji says that we
should practice Buddha Dharma only for the sake of Buddha Dharma,
with no expectations. That is shikantaza, or just sitting. I knew all of
this and thought l had been practicing with the correct attitude.
Now, when I found myself unable to continue that practice, I was
perplexed and depressed. I didn’t know what to do. I discovered that
I had relied on practice that was possible only for the young and healthy.
I used the teachings of the Buddha, Dogen Zenji, Sawaki
Roshi, and Uchiyama Roshi to fulfill my own desires. This discovery
completely broke my "arrogance of youth and health” I saw cleary that
my practice had not been for the sake of Buddha Dharma but for
my own self-satisfaction. I knew l couldn't continue to practice with this
attitude. Nor could l stop practicing and go back to an ordinary life.
I was stuck in this situation for some time.

One day something made me sit on a cushion. I had no desire, no rea-
son, no need to sit, but found myself sitting at the apartment by myself. It
was very peaceful. I didn't sit because of the Buddha’s teachings. I
didn't need a reason to sit; I just sat. There was no need to compete
with others or with myself. Thereafter, I did not need to sit as often as I
had before. I could sit just as much as my physical condition allowed.
Finally, I felt free of my understanding of the Buddhas teachings and
my desire to be a good monk. I felt free to be myself and nothing more.
I was still a deluded, ordinary human being with ignorance and desires.
But when l just sat and let go of thoughts, I was ― or more precisely, my
zazen was ― free of ignorance and selfish desires.

Originally Posted by LimoLama

In the German edition of "The Zen Teaching of 'Homeless' Kodo" there is a speech by Uchiyama Roshi called "About Kodo Sawaki Roshi's Zazen" that is simply brilliant. Perhaps Jundo or Taigu have this speech in English somewhere and can share it...

Yes, Okumura Roshi discusses this very section, and expresses more of this in the Talk that was posted on another thread today ...

PS - For those who are really really limited in there ability to get to Sesshin in a Zen Center or the like made of bricks and wood, we have our Annual "All Online" two-day Retreat too (each December, via live netcast) at Treeleaf Sangha ... traditional (yet "fully online") ...

Hi Jundo,
I have to check. It probably is. I remember making a few comments in the margins of the book when I read it on this point. But I'm not sure if it's the same quote as you cite above. Does he only touch on this once in the book? If he does, then your citation above must be the one I'm thinking of. I remember a much shorter quote ...

When it comes to this practice I also love Kodo Sawaki's books. In the German edition of "The Zen Teaching of 'Homeless' Kodo" there is a speech by Uchiyama Roshi called "About Kodo Sawaki Roshi's Zazen" that is simply brilliant. Perhaps Jundo or Taigu have this speech in English somewhere and can share it...

Gassho,

Timo

I have this essay in English in a book that may be out of print now. I'll check - If it is OOP, I can try to scan it and post a PDF if people would like to have it.

Ok. It is OOP - I'm pretty sure it is in the book 'The Zen Teaching of Homeless Kodo'. My copy is out on loan right now so I'm working from memory here, but a new edition of that book will be published in less than a year. Hopefully this essay will still be included!

Hi,
I've gone through Living By Vow. I cant find another similar reference. The one Jundo posted must be the one that came to my mind. But somehow I thought it was different. My old head isn't what it used to be!

I keep coming back to this passage again and again. I can't believe how often I slip into this very line of thinking. Thank you, again.

Too many people believe that this world exists to satisfy desires,
which are based on their self-centered thoughts. In reality, this world
does not exist to fulfill our desires. In fact, things do not proceed in
accordance with our expectations. And yet, somehow, we don't accept
this. Consequently, we often complain that things do not go well, and
we struggle and make a great fuss.

thank you Jundo. i really ties up with what I was talking about earlier. It's what I ment by just living. I think that being greedy with the practice snd trying to attain something is something I still sometimes catch myself fighting the desire to be a "good Buddhist"

Gassho, Dojin.

I gained nothing at all from supreme enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called supreme enlightenment
- the Buddha

Thank you Jundo. Living by Vow is one of the texts I've been reading daily, after morning zazen, for a 15-20 minute period, and then try to re-read the same section, again, midday.
It becomes the "thought of the day" or re-focus; instead of becoming an exercise of searching for intellectual, knowledge gathering.

Of course, it takes a long time to get through a book this way; short segments, day after day after day. And I've forgotten when I even started. If that ever mattered.

And thanks for the kindly advice about sesshin. It's my plan to do Jukai in 2013 and do the 2-day TreeLeaf sesshin.

Now that Salt Lake's Kanzeon Zen Center has been "dismantled" after the unfortunate Genpo Merzel issues and related organizational breakup, local sesshins aren't available, though
a couple of Genpo's dharma-heirs have started up a new center in southeastern Utah (beautiful red rock desert region near a national park) with a satellite center in SLC.