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Revelation and Relief

I don’t consider myself a religious person, but throughout my life I have had scattered experiences which have made a deep impression on me and given me affirmations of what I have always instinctively believed in: that there is a spiritual dimension to life, and the reality of an existence before birth and after death.

Growing up, I’ve always felt somehow different than other children, often feeling like an outsider, observing everything that happened around me but never quite feeling fully part of it. Looking back, I realize that I always felt older inside than my actual age, and often related more to people who were older than I. When I was three, I had an eleven-year old friend, when I was a teenager, I liked spending time with adults, when I was twenty, I was friends with women who were about 28 years old. Now that I am in my thirties, several of my friends happen to be in their forties.

Then there is my relationship with my mother, which was not always easy although we were once very close (she was a single mother). We went through much tension and conflict together even though I never truly rebelled against her and once I was an adult I often wondered why I harbored so much anger toward her, or why I often felt like she didn’t really love me.

A few years ago I went through a time in my life when I was trying to resolve a lot of issues from my past, and turning inward, searching for answers to some of these feelings and issues which kept coming back. As part of my “quest” I joined a special workshop in which we did “soul work” together, attempting to find a deeper connection to our soul life through our heart forces, and through a process of mutual guidance and accessing of lost parts of our selves by asking the right questions inwardly.

During one of these sessions I had as my goal to explore this deep pain and hurt I felt in connection with my mother. I began having a vision, in which my mother was my guide, and took me on a journey through her life. She suddenly started pulling me toward her younger years, before I was born, and I suddenly felt a sense of apprehension, of dreading to go there with her. As my fear grew, we went faster and faster back in time and before I knew it, we had arrived at a time when she was eighteen years old, eight years before the time I had been born.

By this time, I was inwardly screaming with fear, and then everything seemed to happen all at once. Realization hit me like a bolt of lightening; that I had been with her, as the unborn baby whom she had aborted, being forced into this by her parents, who did not want her to have a child at that time in her life. Together with this crushing realization came an overwhelming, immense sense of pain–physical, emotional and spiritual–like nothing I had ever felt before and yet in a way so familiar. It felt like an implosion into my self, a denial and eradication of my being, accompanied by a vast sadness.

I will never be able to fully explain this feeling, but after having felt it, so many things about my life and my being became clearer to me, including my strong instinctual feelings which have always come up in the past when I’ve been confronted with the issue of abortion. Curiously, I felt a sense of relief after this revelation, and instead of having feelings of hurt and resentment toward my mother, I felt closer to her, as if an old burden had been lifted from my heart. Also, I understood somehow that no matter how painful, going through this pre-birth experience had served a positive purpose in my later life, contributing to the qualities of the person who I have become.