When the election Lotto comes to L.A.: Commentary

News item: In the wake of dismally low turnouts, Los Angeles officials propose holding a cash-prize lottery to encourage voters to go to the polls.

Fade-in, 1st and Spring. A young man affecting a trilby hat with a hot ticket tucked into its band in the manner of a racetrack tout holds up a handful of voter-registration forms and calls out to passers-by:

“Step right up, folks! Sign on the dotted line for your chance at big cash prizes! No experience necessary! Did I say cash? We’re talking 100 separate opportunities per election to score 1,000 smackeroos! Er, must be 18 to enter. Must be citizen, though, hey, who’s checkin’ IDs? Not me! I believe that would be against the law! County Registrar-Recorder employees, feel free to check me on that!”

So far, the pitch is attracting no interest from the cops, City Hall denizens, lawyers, brokers, administrative assistants, vagrants and depressed-appearing, down-at-heel Los Angeles Times employees on their way to work or a Skid Row breakfast at 7:45 on a stifling August morning in the heart of the city’s downtown.

“Know which dead president’s face appears on the 1,000-dollar bill? Of course you don’t! You have yet to enter the body politic! But if you were to, enticed by this opportunity to return from the polls a grand richer for two minutes’ work with an InkaVote, you might become the type of leisure-classer who knows it’s none other than Grover Cleveland! Talk about your fat-cat pols! And just how did he get so fat! First he voted, then he ran, then he made out like a bandit! Can’t play if ya ain’t registered!”

Finally, a small crowd of pedestrians has stopped to listen to the pitch. One, a prototypical Man in A Gray-Flannel Suit, asks the first question.

“So what’s your scam here, bud? You’re saying we got to do what to get what? Just register to, uh, vote, and we’re in?”

“Excellent question, sir, and, yessir, that’s your first step. Name, address and party affiliation, or more likely lack thereof, right here on this form, and you have a chance to win.”

“But, wait, ain’t you saying we actually got to ... vote ... to get the prize?” asked an older fellow in a white shirt emblazoned with the logo of a nearby parking lot.

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“Yessir, that was my follow-up. You do have to make a brief appearance at your local elementary school, fire station or dusty garage come Nov. 4 to actually have a shot at the big bucks.”

“But who we gonna vote for?” asked a small woman in very high heels.

“Young lady, that’s entirely up to you. Vote your conscience. Vote for the flip-flopper. Vote for the one with a clear vision for our future, or perhaps for the candidate with a hidden agenda. Vote for the guy who declines to kick the can down the road. But vote!”

“And what’s your share of the vigorish if we do like you say?” asks a cynical-sounding little old lady at the rear.

“So glad you asked, ma’am. My entry into this entrepreneurial line of work was predicated entirely out of the civic embarrassment of living in a city where fewer than one-quarter of voters bothered to show up to elect our mayor! Not to mention your school board balloting! Last week, 93 percent of your eligibles in that one stayed home! Now, if they had a cash incentive ...”

“Beats the pants off our system, mate!” came a cry from a tall man with a Down Under accent. “In Australia, it’s against the law not to vote! They’ll fine ya 170 bucks if ya no-show! Gimme the chance to win a cool thou any day!”

“Now there’s a poor foreigner victimized by the electoral stick rather than the good old Yankee carrot, folks!” beams our tout. “Gonna have to bring that up in my Poli Sci class down at USC.”

“You’re one of them ... politicians?” asks the little old lady.

“Nothing of the sort, ma’am. Don’t tread on me and all that. Now who’s going to sign up for the lottery that costs you nothing more than a John Hancock?”

“Who’s he?”

Larry Wilson is a member of the Los Angeles News Group editorial board. larry.wilson@langnews.com