This Week's Leaders

What to do with unromantic husband?

We haven't even been married 5 years yet and already nothing but a card for vday. He used to bring me flowers and candy. Pretty traditional but at least it was something. He's very sensitive and I'm worried if I mention my hurt feelings it's all going to be about me insulting him. I didn't get a present for my b-day either because he doesn't think he can pick out anything that I would like, so I'm supposed to just get for myself. Fed up!

Re: What to do with unromantic husband?

Meh, IMO this is common for men and not a big deal. My spouse has moments of greatness, but for the most part he is forgetful about gifts and hates shopping and pressure.

I go shopping whenever I want to, and he pays all my bills on time, without any complaint. For many years I've been kissing his cheek and thanking him for presents I bought myself. He always laughs and asks me what I got. It's not a bad trade since all I ever give him is a candy and credit card bills.

I suppose you could let him know how much it would mean to you to be romanced. But if he's the sensitive type, don't take an accusatory tone or imply that he has dropped the ball. Just tell him you miss those gestures and it would mean a lot to you.

So what you're saying is, he puts no effort into thinking for one damn minute about what you might like, what might make you happy, and when you're justifiably upset, he makes it all about him and how hurt and insulted HE feels because you called him out on his f*ck-effort behavior?

Bring it up again, and don't let him turn it around and make it all about his feelings. Yell, if need be. You know he knows that he should get you something, because he used to. He just doesn't think he has to bother now that he has you locked down.

Read "The Five Love Languages". http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Take the Quiz with your partner. Chances are high that one of your love languages is Receiving Gifts. Discuss the fact that the effort put into present giving is very important to you. Tell him how much you appreciated it when he got you gifts in the past. Bring up a specific time when he did a great job of gift giving. Tell him how much it meant to you -- to put in the time and effort involved -- and how happy it made you.

We haven't even been married 5 years yet and already nothing but a card for vday. He used to bring me flowers and candy. Pretty traditional but at least it was something. He's very sensitive and I'm worried if I mention my hurt feelings it's all going to be about me insulting him. I didn't get a present for my b-day either because he doesn't think he can pick out anything that I would like, so I'm supposed to just get for myself. Fed up!

Any ideas how or what I can say?

How to fix this in the future:

Give him a "wish list" well in advance of the holiday.

List gift items you'd like that are well within your joint budget -- a pair of earrings, something for the kitchen, a nice sweater you can wear to work or functional but pretty underwear (not the usual porno wear that guys pick out for V Day or a b'day) sound like nice gifts to me, and affordable, also.

This is a cop out on his part. You are together a good length of time, if he doesn't know by now what you'd like as a gift, he's never gonna get it. He needs to make more of an effort for you. GL.

I only got a card for vday but it was sweet and he wrote a nice note in it. But my DH also doesn't neglect being romantic the other 364 days of the year either and neither of us are too hung up on 'v-day'

I'm right there with ya on this one...I got skunked yesterday, but I let him have it. Its the 3rd holiday in a row he's been this way. He gets me a card and writes how much he appreciates all that I do for the house, but its always after the holiday, or at 10pm when the holiday is over. I actually had to take him to Target on our anniversary to make him get me a card.

I blame a large part of it on his poor planning, and a large part of it on me letting him off because he travels about 35-40 weeks a year so my excuse before had always been "well he hasn't had time". But not anymore. Last night I told him there are 4 dates in a woman's life that NEVER change Her birthday, Her anniversary, Mother's day, and Valentines day...figure it out.

I'm sure all you ladies are right (after all, when are you ever wrong ).....however, as a man, the "....he doesnt think he can pick anything I would like..." sounds a bit ominous frankly.....

....So, just check he's not upset about you over something or other that HE does not want to spell out for YOU!!.....there's only one reason that a man no longer has the time to please his woman and that's because part of his mind thinks she does not deserve it.....

I give my H a list of things I'd like in October for my Birthday (in November), Christmas, Valentine's Day and our Anniversary in June. If he needs me to I add to it over the course of the year but he never cops out and doesn't get me something unless we decide together we're not exchanging gifts.

My advice is to tell him what you want. Did he ever get you a gift you didn't like and you told him so? That might be why he doesn't want to buy you anything.

Make sure YOU are reminding him of upcoming dates like Valentines Day or a b-day. Men are forgetful.

I do think it's incredibly rude of him to not get you something though.

With my DH I literally tell him what I want. For Christmas I went to my favorite store and took photos of a few things I wanted. I sent him the pics and he then went out and picked out one of them. So it was still a "surprise".

Also, make sure you aren't one of those women who says, "oh, you don't have to buy me anything!" unless you really mean it!

Spell it out for him. If you want a card, say so. If you want flowers, tell him your favorite flower. If you want a surprise....give him a list of things you'd like him to surprise you with. Over time he will get more confident with what you like too.