"Hope is my catalyst."

The 54th Deadline:Perhaps we leave behind clues with hope that someone finds them.

Lately, I have been feeling uneasy in more ways than one. At times, I think I am worrying about it too much, but part of me wonders if there is something more to my current feelings than I realize.

Even as I write this out, it’s hard for me to be completely, and I mean totally 100 percent, honest about it. There is a line I have to draw for my own privacy’s sake.

But with all of this put into careful consideration, I guess I should just let some aspects off of my chest before it keeps eating away at me.

In short, I think I am feeling weary. And by weary, I mean I have grown so utterly tired.

In mind. In body. In soul, as it appears.

The last time this happened was more than five years ago. After all, this blog received its genesis when I hit rock bottom and needed something to alleviate some of the pain. And thus, this blog was created to act as the buffer against all of the negativity coming toward my direction.

More than ever now, I think it’s time I evaluate what this all means.

It is all so complicated. Unfortunately, it’s extremely complicated that I don’t think I can figure this all out on my own, with perhaps anything short of professional help.

Call it a rut. Call it a phase.

I have been through this kind of stuff before, and it never gets any easier. I do end up, naturally, a bit wiser after each individual trial. However, every small victory seems borderline pitiful in the midst of the war that is fought from within in the name of mental health and my own sense of happiness.

At times, I do think I should be more personal with this blog. It’s not really about readership or anything like that. The main reason has always been about the outlet, but those who stop by are more than welcome to read what I write.

These blog posts are my clues, after all. My eclectic and often confusing clues.

Like a diary, these various blog posts are my thoughts on all kinds of topics. Sometimes, I just write about stuff I like. And then there is the other element to it when I need to write about the not-so-ideal-to-advertise kind this blog has plenty of in addition to the fun variety.

The latter, of course, is all but necessary for this blog to function the way I want it to, especially in terms of keeping me intact. One can only bottle it all up for so long before you inevitably explode in a volatile manner where you’re left just cleaning up the mess afterward. Yikes, I don’t want to go through that again.

The last time that happened, it took me a few years just to get back on the ground (somewhat) running, and it took me a few more years after that to pick up the pace.

Basically, I can’t afford to fall victim to my own undoing. History should not repeat itself if you truly learn your lesson, right?

But yeah, if this blog is my own kind of virtual diary, then it goes without saying that I should admit I have wanted SOMEBODY to swing by and grasp what I am trying to say.

And that has definitely happened. I don’t know a lot of people who stumble across this blog personally, but I sure do hope that my words have made some kind of positive impact.

I don’t want to be viewed as a victim. I don’t want to be viewed as a survivor. I don’t even want to be seen as some kind of martyr or anything like that.

I want to be labeled as any other person, any other human, who has been through some tough times here and there, and yet I continued to keep going forward.

You get knocked down here and there, but you need to get back up every single time regardless.

Perhaps, even if it’s just a reminder that we are all human, and that we all don’t magically coast through life. And it’s normal to fail sometimes as long as you keep trying to make things right.

And sure, life can and will get you down.

There was a point where I thought I had legitimate enemies who wanted to obstruct me from succeeding.

Part of me still wants to hate them for it.

Rationally, it also doesn’t make sense.

Are there any real reasons for me to continue holding onto these grudges? Why do I let myself be consumed by such emotions when I should just strive to be happy about what I should be happy for at this point in time?

It’s the contrast between one thing and another. There can’t be a distinction unless enough things are there to create the comparison.

I have had particular people in the past who have in fact hurt me for real, but that’s a different matter altogether when viewed side-by-side to something more petty than completely anger-worthy.

Again, this is why I write on this blog.

If I didn’t have it all laid out in front of me with words, everything would just become further muddled in my mind. The puzzle pieces already don’t make that much sense to me as it is. The clues don’t quite add up.

The big picture, the elusive one at that, continues to escape from my sights over and over again.

I just want it all to come together for once in my damn life. Even if it takes me a lot longer than it should, I want all of the clues to spell out the obvious answer I have been seeking for in this existence of my mine.

Just right now, I have grown so frustrated that it feels like I am hindering myself every day. I don’t want to feel like this. No one should.

Instead, I need to figure out practical and realistic methods to get this show on the road.

2 thoughts on “The 54th Deadline: Clues”

Sometimes to look at the ‘big picture’ means that we lose sight of the here and now. I remember a little quote you posted and it still keeps me grounded when I start to think of all the things I ‘could’ or ‘should’ be doing.