Sense & Sensitivity.

His ex-wife makes her feel insecure

February 19, 2003|By Harriette Cole.

Dear Harriette: I've been seeing my boyfriend for seven months. He was separated, living apart from his wife for 2 1/2 years when we met, and he was legally divorced shortly thereafter. We practically live together, seeing each other six days a week. He will be going home to his country to visit relatives soon, and when he had to contact his ex on another matter, he told her about the trip. Now she wants to give him gifts for his family members. Since they reside in another country, she has only met them once. I feel that when you give a gift, it implies to the giver, the receiver and everyone concerned that that person is in your life. I don't think my boyfriend should allow his ex-wife to give gifts to his family. I haven't mentioned anything yet, but it's burning me up.

Should I let it go or tell him how I feel? I don't think this is jealousy, but I know it's territorial.

-- Wanda, Amarillo, Texas

Wanda: Yes, you are being territorial. I also sense that you are feeling threatened by this action from his ex-wife. Before you speak to your boyfriend about it, take a moment to assess your relationship and how steadfast you believe it is. It's important for you to come from a position of calm and conviction when you broach this topic with him.

When you approach your boyfriend, tell him how you feel -- that her offerings may send mixed messages to his family, which I believe is true. Ask him to thank her for her gifts and to give them back. Don't get into a debate about his ex. You will not win, and you will likely appear jealous.

If you haven't already, be proactive and select small, easy-to-pack items to send to the family from the two of you or just from you -- not as a way of staking your claim but as a way of sharing your love for him with them.

Dear Harriette: My sister, as she gets older, is packing on more and more pounds, and is becoming increasingly sensitive about it. I feel that her health is at risk. How do I address it with her without hurting her feelings?

-- Beverly, Los Angeles, Calif.

Beverly: Be clear before you speak to your sister about why you are doing so. Let your intention to share your loving concern with her be your guide. This will minimize her sensitivity to being addressed about this very tender topic. Resist any inkling to speak in judgment.

Tell your sister you want her to be healthy and happy and that you are concerned about her rapid weight gain. Ask her how she feels about it. Recommend that she get a medical checkup and establish an exercise program. Volunteer to join her at a gym to support her in her pursuit to take care of her body. But don't nag. Ultimately, she has to make the decision to be responsible for her body.