Children at funeral need not create family conflict

Frank DevlinOf The Morning Call

Q: An older relative died last month. There is a conflict in the family because some people brought their children to the funeral, and several did not, saying a funeral was no place for children. What does the panel think? Should kids attend funerals?

A: The Family Project panel says yes. "If a child wants to go to the funeral and wants to say goodbye, the child should go. Other relatives shouldn't have anything to say about this," panelist Marcie Lightwood says.

Panelist Ann Friedenheim says she could understand that some "people might be hesitant about a child seeing a dead body." But she points out that "there's a difference between a viewing and a funeral." While seeing the deceased at a viewing might be too much for a child, the body will be in a casket for a funeral.

Having a child attend a funeral gives a parent an opportunity to talk about death and beliefs, that "a spirit moves on in a different form," Friedenheim says. "How the body and the spirit are separate. I just don't know why a person would not choose to" take a child to a funeral, Friedenheim says. "What's the family afraid of?"

She says people "have to have closure and a child needs that as much as adults do."

"Kids won't understand without seeing firsthand," she says. "They need to see the coffin and the people being sad. They need to know "Yes, the world around me is the way adults say it is."'

"The child sees part of the grief process is pain and sadness but then you recover," Friedenheim says.

Culp says children who do not attend a loved one's funeral might miss elements that might have helped them, like seeing a video or a poster board of pictures depicting scenes from the departed relative's life.

"A picture of grandpa when he was married," Culp says. "And when he was 5. That's the way we want to remember them."

In addition to attending the funeral, panelist Joanne Nigito says, children "can do other things. They can create a little book" to honor the life.

"Words are only going to go so far with children" in getting them to understand and express their own feelings about the death of a loved one, Nigito says.

"I love the idea of the kids creating something," Culp says. "Writing a note to grandpa, how much I love you."

Explain beforehand to children what to anticipate at a funeral.

Tell them "some people are going to be upset and there's going to be hugging," Nigito says.

And talk about the funeral afterwards, Culp says. Help the child understand that the relative "won't be back. Say, "You're going to feel sadness."'

Just remember to keep explanations age appropriate, Culp says.

And continue to honor the relative for months and years to come, Nigito says. Visit the grave site. Buy a Mass card. Keep pictures on display. Have a family dinner to talk about memories.

As for relatives who don't like the idea of taking children to a funeral and the conflicts that occur, Lightwood says to keep in mind that whatever is said in anger is said "at a time of high stress."

"There are points in life where feelings are intensified," she says, and this is certainly one of those times.

TIPS FOR WHEN CHILDREN ATTEN FUNERALS

The Family Project panel believes it is generally a good idea to allow children to attend funerals.

Before the funeral, talk to children about what to expect. Tell them there will be hugging and crying, for example.

After the funeral, talk to children about their impressions of it to help them process the experience.

Encourage children to write notes to their departed loved ones or make books or posters in their honor.

Keep loved ones who have passed away in the minds and hearts of children by displaying their pictures and even by having special dinners dedicated to their memories.

Check out the numerous books that have been written on the subject of how to talk to children about death.

RESOURCES

Books on children, funerals and grieving:

"What About the Kids? Understanding Their Needs in Funeral Planning and Services," by The Dougy Center for Grieving Children (Dougy Center, $9.95).

"Talking With Children About Loss: Words, Strategies, and Wisdom to Help Children Cope With Death, Divorce, and Other Difficult Times," by Kathy Massimini and Maria Trozzi (Perigee, $13.50).

The Family Project is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by Valley Youth Houses's Project Child, the Lehigh Valley's child-abuse prevention coalition.