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March 06, 2009

Parenting 101

I have conquered the land of Infantdom. The land of no sleep and alot of crying.

I have conquered (twice) the unknown world of Toddlerhood. It was a rough place but we all got out alive.

I am currently making my way through the huge city of SchoolAgedville and it could just prove to be the toughest place yet. I compare it to a dangerous crime-ridden city, where there is alot of attitude, bad words and violence. So far, I am making it through but we still have a long way to go.

Please pray for me.

As I have made my way through these deep, dark unknown destinations, I have learned alot. So I wanted to share my findings with you newbies close to buckling in and going for the drive yourselves.

First of all, I am praying for you.

Lets start with the Land Of Infantdom.

After coming home from the hospital, you may feel euphoric. You have just pushed a human being out of your vajayjay so you should be very proud of yourself. It was a huge accomplishment. Your milk likely hasn't come in yet so get one last look at "The Twins" before they become painful and engorged. They will never again look large and perky. Kiss those days goodbye girlfriend. Before long they will look like deflated balloons.

Secondly, you are probably very tired. Exhausted is a better word actually. Well, get used to it because you will not sleep again for the next 18 years. Sorry to rain on your "Yay is Me Parade" but a full nights sleep will not exist until your children are grown and out of the house. But by that time you will be middle aged and not sleeping due to hot flashes and bowel issues, so, well...........yeah, deal with it.

Thirdly, everything you ingest, your new baby will ingest. If you drink coffee or soda, be prepared for an over-stimulated (also known as "wired") baby. If you drink milk, be prepared for many poop soup explosions (out of your baby, not you). If you like spicy food, GOOD LUCK with that. Let me know how it goes. So for the length of time you breastfeed, you will have to eat crackers, drink water and just look at tacos and burritos.

The life of a new mom is wonderful isn't it?

It is ok to cry. Hormones are raging throughout your body and your body is going haywire. Yell at your husband. It is ok. He will understand.

Your baby will cry alot. Usually during the night when everyone else is sleeping. Do what I did and cry too. Or eat chocolate. Alot of chocolate. But just remember your baby will get chocolate through your milk and you know what chocolate does right? It keeps you awake. Uh huh. It is a cruel, vicious cycle.

Remember the days of putting your shoes on and going out to the mall just for the heck of it? Those days are over. You will now need to get up before the sun rises to shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, get baby fed and dressed, pack a diaper bag, get baby in the car seat. Ooops....poop soup explosion alert. Baby has just dirtied his/her clothes and your clothes. Now you have to start all over.

Last but not least, bring baby into your bed, cry, eat chocolate and enjoy every possible second that he/she is this tiny, because it does not last long..... and before you know it, it will be time to go to Toddlerhood.

I was OK with engorged and full of milk. The deflated baloon part on the other hand was a complete shock! I love infantdom. Except that I'm happy because after a year there really is more sleep involved. And once they start moving around I can sort of do things again. Sort of. Kids are worth it!