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Posts Tagged ‘grief’

If you searched out Straight Spouse Connection, you are probably in the grip of grief. Loss drives straight spouses to come here seeking information, comfort, and connection. The articles here emphasize assurance that pain passes and a calmer, happier future is possible. In many cases, the mixed-orientation crisis opens a door to something even better.

I found echoes of that inspiring truth in one of my favorite blogs, Andi O’Conor’s Burning Down the House: Essays on the Poetry of Loss. Andi’s family home burned when she was twelve, her parents and siblings barely escaping by jumping out second-story windows. Again, as an adult, fire destroyed the home she’d built for herself in Four Mile Canyon near Boulder, Colorado. Andi writes of these ironic, devastating losses in a wise, constructive way.

Her latest post also has a link to her TED talk titled “A Pretty Good Deal.” In this moving video, she gives convincing evidence that “losing everything can restore your faith in humanity.”

I highly recommend that you visit and browse Andi’s posts to learn how she overcame loss and grief and rebuilt a more rewarding life and career. Her story is full of hope and it’s totally relevant to the straight spouse experience. Above all, take ten minutes to watch her TED Talk.

Like Andi, people in mixed orientation relationships may be living in a "house with walls that need to come down." I’ve tested and witnessed that concept personally and found it sound. Every seeming disaster in my past has somehow opened my heart and mind to something better. That message is so beautifully stated in Andi's blog and her video. I'm a grateful fan and I think you will be as well.

“Stages of Recovery,” dated May, 2008, is the most
frequently visited page on this blog. Visitors
to this site look for reassurance that their current misery will eventually
heal. Like other straight spouses before
them, they seek to understand recognizable steps toward their own
recovery.

After the early stages of shock, confusion, denial and
self-blame, straight spouses face the realities of a mixed-orientation
relationship and its rush of tough decisions.
This awareness leads to anger and despair, along with profound
grief. We mourn the loss of security,
trust, and expectations of a predictable future.
We are set adrift in a sea of uncertainty and we grieve our loss as we
grief a death. Indeed, it is the death of
the future we’d planned.

This “dark hole” of rage and grief may last for months or
even years. But for most, often aided by
competent counseling, deeper healing begins.
How do we know when this turning point has come? What hopeful signs can we see? Centura Health offered a useful list of these signs in their
September, 2007 issue of Seasons of
Grief.” A summary of the article is
relevant to straight spouse recovery and offers markers of progress.

You
look outside yourself with enough energy to reach out to others while
coping with your own grief.

You
can express and live with your emotions, as they lessen in intensity over
time.

Episodes
of emotional turmoil abate.

Sadness
is often present, but does not deepen into depression.

You
open to social contacts and resume traditional ways of being in the world.

You
let go of guilt and blame, realizing that you did your best.

You
have glimpses of meaning in life, moments of hope and joy.

You
begin to plan for the future.

As grief subsides, most straight spouses reinforce their own
inner resources, looking forward to new interests and new friends. For some, forgiveness is possible as wounds
heal. This is a new beginning. When we see every experience as a teacher,
every stage of recovery as fuel for waking up, we are well on our way to wholeness
and a happier phase of life.