This past week hasn’t been easy. From getting the worst diagnosis and having the vet say to put him down. The days following that, trying to accept that Kilo could go at any time and seeing him so tired. Doing all the research I can on ways to make him feel better to at least give us some time. It’s shocking to go from having so many tests come out good: Abdominal ultrasound, abdominal xrays, bloodwork x2, urinalysis, fecal, ECG. Chest xray showed slightly enlarged heart but no mass. The past month I was worrying about Congestive Heart Failure, not even thinking of Hemangiosarcoma. I thought something like that would’ve shown signs in the other tests. So going from having a very healthy and active dog, to a dog with potentially heart issues that would shorten his life, then to hear that he is dying and all I can do is euthanize him asap was really hard.

I have spent the last week connecting with many other dog owners that have dealt with this horrible cancer. Reading their stories, researching their suggestions. I know there is no cure, or even treatment that will work but so many of them have had their dogs far outlive the prognosis the vet gave them. The best I can hope for is having more time where he isn’t uncomfortable or in any pain. He’s having his good days, where he is happy, playful and his normal self with a good appetite. To his worse days, where he is tired and just wants to rest. So far his worse days aren’t too bad, but it’s hard to figure out what to do. I don’t want him to suffer, but it’s hard to think about putting him down when he seems back to himself. But what if he crashes and then he is suffering while I try to race him to a vet? There’s no way to know what to do. The Holistic Vet gave me a diet plan and other things to start him on tomorrow that will help him feel better, but wont see the full effects of it right away. I figure as long as he seems to be himself, tail wagging with a good appetite he must be feeling okay. I just worry if something suddenly changes, as the vet said his heart could go anytime.

I’ve been faced with trying to decide when to put elderly pets down before, but it’s so hard when it’s your heart dog. He is everything to me and it’s so hard to accept he will suddenly be gone. I am taking him back to see our regular vet tomorrow to get his opinion and see if there’s anything else to help Kilo stay comfortable in the meantime.

I have been taking lots of photos and videos over the past week, though nothing will ever seem like enough. I haven’t been able to bring myself to edit any, except this one tonight. I was waiting for so long for there to be flowers to get some spring like photos (although the ones on his head are fake shhh) and I always wanted to get a flower crown type photo, so this worked out alright.

I’ve been lucky to have had an emergency vet fund for Kilo saved up over the years but it’s been stressful since I’m still looking for a job (other than the small jobs I’ve been doing). If anyone wants to help out by purchasing some of Kilo’s prints (either just normal prints, metal, canvas, or on stuff like mugs, keychains, phone cases etc) it would really mean a lot. I’ve tried to keep prices down and I know shipping can add up especially if you’re in Canada like I am (the photo lab is in US) but this is the link if you want to check it out. It’s all going towards his vet bills.