A Journey to Discover Myself

Before I start pointing the changes I’ll be making on my life style, I think it is important to understand my current life style so today I’ll share how I’ve been in the past 10 months.

After years taking controlled medications and never getting better I gave up. So, for the past 2 years I haven’t been on any treatment and it’s been hell. There’s a reason you’re not supposed to stop/start a treatment without doctor’s support.

As I’ve told before, I work at a hotel. I’m a receptionist. My shift is from 3pm to 10pm – Monday through Thursdays – and 2p.m till 10p.m on Fridays and Saturdays.

I was unemployed for almost 2 years before getting this job. I was looking for something in my field and apparently I wasn’t good enough for any openings I applied. But that wasn’t my only problem. I lost someone. A little girl, daughter of a very good friend of mine. She was 4 years old. I was devastated. A drunk driver took her life.

After that I lived in my room. Only left for bathroom, food and once in a while, shower. I would take a sleeping pill after another just to sleep the whole time and not interact with the world. One day, my mom and sister got me for a conversation. You know, the one you don’t want to have. The one that makes you feel even more worthless. They said: “Enough is enough! You have to get a job and get over what has happened”. They love Isabella as much I do but they’ve found a way to cope with their loss. I haven’t. ‘Till this day I can’t say her name without tear in my eyes.

For my family, they lost Isabella and they were losing me. I know they meant well and was hard hear some of what they had to say. You don’t just snap out off it. I was tired of they saying I was weak and I HAD to made an effort to get better. Needless to say it didn’t help, only made me even more mad. You just don’t decide to get better. No one choose to look themselves on a room, taking pills to sleep just to avoid life.

My family is very religious so, for them I had no faith and when I stopped going to church well, it didn’t help. I understand religion is an important part of our life and does help us cope in difficult times and gives us hope but I was lost in my own dark world, trying to find myself.

After a few weeks, I heard that a hotel was hiring. Not in my area, salary not great but I took it just to shut my family up. I didn’t do for myself. I did for them.

I leave work around 10:15 p.m and by 10:30 I’m at home. Take a shower, eat some cookies with chamomile milk tea and after a very busy and stressful day I hope for a good night sleep. Guess what? By 4 a.m I’m still wide awake. Around 5 a.m I finally fall asleep. After a good morning sleep I wake up at 1p.m, drink some coffee and white bread, shower, get dressed and go to work.

At work, I have 30 minutes break for dinner. My meal is a two grilled cheese with extra cheese. Some days I order some sushi, burger or pizza. Then 10p.m I leave work and the cycle starts again.

Sundays, my day off, I spend the day in bed. My meals consist on coffee, cake, cookies or bread. Some Sundays, when I feel a bit better I cook. Funny thing, I used to love cooking. Planning different meals for weekends but now I never have energy or motivation to do.

I’ve got used to my work. I don’t love it or hate it. I’m just there. I exist in another place where I’m judged for being me. This work drains me of all my energy. No one can tell I have social anxiety. I hide it quite well. In ten months I’ve got a promotion which made others mad. I do my job well and some days I’m proud of myself. What hurt is that I’m not there for myself. I’m there for my family.

You might be wondering, why change now Amelia? For the past 4 weeks or so, in 12 years of struggles I started having suicidal thoughts. It frightened me. I don’t want to die. I’m just hurting. As you may imagine my family doesn’t know about this new stage of my life. I KNOW they will turn on “See what happens when you turn your back on God?”

So I’ve decided. I’ll take care of myself, try a different treatment, work on my self-esteem and pursuit what will make me happy. I have to start living for myself. And no, I haven’t turn my back on God. I pray and know that He looks after me.

I love my family even though they have different approach to certain things – that’s family right? – and I’m grateful that they pushed me over the edge. I’ve reached the break point I needed to overcome my struggles.

I’m 28 years old and I’ve had depression for the past 12 years. It’s been hard for me. This past 12 years of struggles all the doctors does is pump me full of drugs. In 2014 I’ve decided not to take more drugs. Life’s been hell but the drugs didn’t made me any better.

I’m not trying to encourage anyone to stop their treatment. It wasn’t working for me so I’ve been on a quest to find a better treatment that suits me. It’s a bit different and to be honest I’m bit skeptical about but I’ll give it a try.

This treatment is a combination of leading a healthier life, acupuncture and medicinal teas.

I’m starting this treatment today 17/12/2017 and I’ll be keeping this blog as a journal. Through this process I will share a bit of my stories and, if someone out there is giving up hope on this battle, please don’t. I believe we have a place on the sun, someday we will be free of fear, solitude, and find our righteous place on earth.

Just keep in mind: it is an arduous battle but we can win. I believe that. I believe my victory is somewhere out there in the future and I want to fight till I get it.

How do you define yourself? When you have nothing to define yourself with? When your past has been forcibly ejected and you’re holding on for dear life as your plane flies headlong into the ground? When you run out of reasonable and unreasonable metaphors to express yourself?

I hear a lot about purpose. About predestination. As a Christian I’m a believer. But at the same time I find myself purposeless. And I have to ask the question: I’m on God’s path, so what and where is my purpose? (I’m a Christian. I didn’t say I was a patient Christian.)

It’s a simple question, and one that I’m sure has vexed many of you as well. Many people define themselves by their jobs, or their upbringing, or by their education or money. Some by their friendships or achievements. But when you don’t have any of that, what do you do? (Live…

I’m in pain. I live in pain. I can’t remember when was the last time I wasn’t in pain. This is the worst kind of pain. The one that there’s no medicine. My being hurts. I’ve come to realise that all this pain is broken heart.

No, not from a guy, but from lots of things I’ve been through. I was raised by christian parents. I was taught that if I was good, good things would happen. I was told to be careful and to be a good example to others. So I never went to a party, a bar, a club or a show. I never wore make up. I was taught I would be rewarded and all I got is a messy life. Nothing to show. Please, don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for few accomplishes I’ve had but I can’t say anything and my mum makes my feel like an ungrateful bastard. I know she means well, but it hurts.

I used to think God had something good prepared for me, that I would be happy and live in peace. I’m sick and tired of living worried about how people sees me, how they judge me, how men don’t approach me. It’s hard to tell where my illness finishes and my failures starts.

I know that in this life nothing is accomplished without hard work. I’ve always wonder, don’t I work hard enough? What am I doing wrong? Why nothing works out for me?

As a teenager, my dream was to study this technical school where you course high school and learn a skill on health, administration or environment. I never passed the selection process. Five years later my sister got it. My dream: go to a public University, get some internship and start building a career. Guess what, didn’t get in. Three years later my sister got it. I had to work through four years of graduation so I could pay for it. Lost every chance of internship because the money wasn’t enough to cover the debts. Never made the right contacts. Never got the right job. Why can’t I have a win? Why can’t I have a dream come true?

Now, after a few – maybe bad choices – here I am. Working as a front desk clerk, listening people complain and treat me like garbage.

I used to think that everything in life has a purpose. Maybe it’s because I was taught this way. Makes me wonder: What is my purpose? Go through life in pain and sadness?

I have in memory one whole year I was truly happy. I was living in Australia. Away from judgment family. I was able to do whatever I wanted. Not that I can’t do it here but when I do I can see the judgment in their eyes, so I don’t do it because I don’t want to be judged. Kills me a bit every day.

I just want a nice life. I don’t want wealth. I want to be treat well. I want to be respected. I want to be admired. I want to be loved. I want happiness.

According toEnglish Oxford Living Dictionaries, regret meansfeel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that one has done or failed to do. I guess is safe to say I’m full of regret. I never thought that I would feel like this and is getting worst by the hour. All day long my mind goes back and starts analysing every single choice I’ve made on my life then comes to torture me on things that I should have done and how things would be different if I had made different choices.

I’m not an organized person and I used to thing I was free, that was a good thing but now, on my twenties, I have nothing to show for and it’s killing me.

I regret my choice to study biology in college;

I regret turning down my job as an environmental consultant to go live on year in Australia;

I regret taking a break from my masters degree;

I regret being so serious on my teens;

I regret being so uptight;

I regret so many things I did to impress others but, I’m proud to say, I was strong enough to not have sex with a guy who broke my trust and God, he was pushy!

I’ve read a lot about depression and there’s always an advice: Keep a journal! Write about your feelings! Well, I’m not good at keeping journals or writing about anything. Although I do it a lot in my mind. Some days I’m at home or work and in my mind I have a great text for a blog post but when I log on just — blank!

It’s been an odd day today. I’m not feeling well! Have no idea why. I just woke up feeling different. I’m very emotional and feeling worthless. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and how I don’t like it. I don’t like who I’ve become. People say: Love Yourself! Don’t care about what other people think of you! It’s so damn hard! I pretend I don’t care but deep down it’s killing me.

I’m so tired of feeling useless, worthless and ugly. It’s hard when your colleagues/ co-workers are stunningly beautiful and follows what fashion/society dictates and I’m there, being myself but no one sees me for what I am because I don’t wear make up, don’t hit the gym, don’t straighten my hair. I’m different! I’m the one who does not fit in.

On top of that I hate my job. I hate talking to people — probably because of my social anxiety — and as a receptionist at a hotel guess what? I have to interact with different people, maintain some sort of small talk while they sip on their coffee at the lobby.

Friends and family members are frequently saying how great it is for me to have got this job because now I can work on my social skills. I took this job because I was unemployed for a year and a half! I’m great at it. I got a raise/small promotion this month because I’ve been doing so well. However, by the time the clock strikes 10 p.m, I barely have any energy to drive back home. A ten minutes drive, with no traffic, feels like a 60 miles trip.

Funny thing though, I used to be a teacher and a environmentalist. I’ve presented lectures on Environmental Preservation in front of hundreds of people, including mayors and other authorities on Preservation and Conservation. When I look back, I realise that I was way better at dealing with my anxiety struggles, but now I’ve no clue of what has happened and what I’ve become.

Do you know who you are? Because I don’t. I have absolutely no clue what I am supposed to do. I’m in my late twenties and feel like I have wasted a lot of time. All the things I thought I would have accomplished at 28 years old haven’t happened.

My life sucks. I wake up one hour before work, get back home 8 hours later and back to the bed until I cry to sleep.

Waiting for the day some light will appear at the end of my sad, dark tunnel.

If this time, this only time, I finally accomplish something, this blog will have a second post. Yes, that’s the kind of girl I am. Start lots of projects and never finish it.

Hope to share here my insecurities and thoughts about being 28 years old and still having no clue about what to do with this messy, complicated life. We might bond through some ideas, experiences and insecurity. In this process I really hope I can found myself and someday find Happiness.