Day 182 of 365

I always thought I lived the perfect life growing up as a kid. I had a loving mom and a sister who always knew how to make the dark days go away. I remember my mom would always act funny. She’d slur her words and stumble around and I thought that was normal. I was taken out of the house at a young age. I guess she was an addict. I was only six years old at the time.

Depression hit. I was only in the 5th grade when I had my first suicidal thought. Cutting myself with sharp edged rocks on the playground I didn’t know what these feelings were. I was diagnosed with severe depression in the year after. Rumors so horrible I attempted to commit suicide because I was known as “the pregnant seventh grader”. It got worse at home too.

My mom would be sober one minute, on the bottle another. The medication prescribed to me wasn’t even working. It was just an enabler for me to attempt suicide. To this day I still find the pills around my bedroom there was just too many. I’d wake up every morning and felt like I didn’t have a purpose. My mom wouldn’t help with my depression either. She’d abuse my sister and me mentally and sometimes physically.

My mom protected her bottles/drugs from anything, even the people who just want to help. I have had my mom hit me and pull my hair for the bottle I’d snatch from her. I started seeing a therapist at school. It was not my thing. Therapy never really helped that much when I was growing up. I was closed up with secrets I didn’t want to reveal. I was fourteen when I got hooked on drugs. Weed was the first drug I’ve ever did. I got invested in more drugs because of my best friend. His name was David he introduced me to exploring the pharmacy of illegal substances.

Vyvanse was the first drug I got hooked on. It was the perfect thing to help me escape my reality. We’d steal his sister’s prescriptions and his friend would give us his like it was candy. I vividly remember doing a whole bottle in an entire day and cried when we didn’t have anymore. I was a wreck. I had no idea this was what I was doing to myself. I just wanted to not feel the abuse and the pain I’ve been through my entire life. I was trapped in my mind. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve done from the age of fourteen to sixteen.

I’ve been through so many drug binges from cough syrup to cocaine. I was a kid in a rut. I looked at myself and I hated who I saw. I felt like I was a burden. I would get thrown out of my house and I’d have to sleep floor to floor. I stopped going to school because I was focused on where I was going for the night. My mom went to rehab again and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Couple months later, she was back on it. The cycle continued. In tenth grade it was utter hell. I almost got jumped three times. First, it was a bunch of black people. It was about me being a “racist”.

This girl I was friends with told these three girls of color that I called them the n-word. I was bawling my eyes out. She tried to make me seem like I was a horrible person and everyone believed it. The second time was with this girl. She was pregnant and I knew the father. He didn’t know that she had her baby because she lied about it to him. I helped him get reunited with his son and she didn’t like it. I remember sitting on the bus and seeing, I kid you not, a sea of girls who wanted to kick my ass. I had girls come to me and say they were about to get on my bus and jump my ass. The third time was this one girl. She was one of the popular girls. Not really popular but the group of girls who think they’re everything. She didn’t like me and she’d try to jump me every other day.

My mom was in rehab at the time for this incident and I moved. I got on a new bus and she was on it too. I didn’t know until the resource officer pulled me off and told me she was going to fight me. I walked off the bus and I was washed in everyone’s flash on their phones. I can’t believe people I trusted where some of those kids behind the camera. I was disappointed that no adult took action for anything that happened. At my school the faculty liked to turn it on me all the time. I’m the type of person who can admit my wrongs but seriously? Fast forward to the summer. I was back on drugs (well I was still on them in school) my friend David was hooked on meth. I was the one person who supported him. He kept asking me to do acid and he wouldn’t stop. I told him if he found a way besides my house.

One thing after another we dropped acid with some dude I didn’t know on Mumbai friend back porch of his old house. My friend called me and asked if we wanted to come over and we said sure. Drove all the way to the other side of town. This was the start to one of the worst moments of my life. I had no idea the guy we gave acid to be on meth. He acted weird. I didn’t know what was wrong but I got nervous. I walked outside and I fell apart and my friend was on it too. Next thing I know the guy puked all over my friend’s house. I was the one to tell the guy to leave. He looked at me with his blood shot eyes. His pupils were black holes that led to nothing of the man I met beforehand.

He left and so did my friend they ditched me. I never thought I’d have to clean a meth addicts vomit off the wall while tripping so I was horrified. We sat there in silence. I looked into the carpet for 3 hours replaying the night over and over again. I was unstable after that. I couldn’t think about it without going into an episode. I started school two days after that night too. It affected me very badly. It was an unbearable life but I pulled myself out of it. The mental illness is there but I can surpass them. I’ve conquered all my problems and faced the monsters that consumed my life. I’m growing to be a smart intelligent young woman. I’m on my way towards success and I’m never backing out. You just have to reassure yourself that it’ll get better but you have to know there are primos in the road. You have to make sacrifices in order to change.

All of the things I’ve experienced helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m very proud of myself for going on the right path instead of everyone trying to drag me to the bad path. I will continue to fight on as a victim in hopes of helping people just like me. I hope one day all of us can look back on the terrible thing we go through.