Why is my young son afraid of his day care?

January 13, 2013|By Kathy Lauer-Williams, Of The Morning Call

Q: My son is 3 and attends a preschool with a day care. He does well with his preschool, but cries and gets very upset with the day care part of his day. He is frightened and says that the other kids scare him. I talked to his preschool teacher but she can't be with him at the day care. Should I pull him out of school?

A: It seems like your son is more comfortable in the structured setting of the preschool than in the unstructured setting of day care, the Help for Families panel says. Structure can help a young child make sense of their world.

You will have to do some investigating to find out what is really going on, panelist Bill Vogler says.

"Talk to the day care teacher," Vogler says. "Explore all options as to what's going on in day care. Talk about structure versus free time and explain your son seems to need structure."

Talk to the day care director and say that your son is doing well in the preschool and ask how can we help him do better in day care, adds panelist Michael Daniels.

If the day care personnel are unwilling to talk to you or won't listen to you, that's a huge red flag, Vogler says.

"At 3, a full day may be too much since he is melting down," he adds. "It takes time."

Kids this age don't do well with change, agree Daniels.

"Try to see there is consistency between preschool and day care," he says.

Most day cares have some sort of routine, Vogler says. Try to have it so when he goes to day care he can have structured time, such as block time.

"In day cares, it's often a free-for-all and often the more vocal kids get the toys," he says.

Since he likes preschool and seems to enjoy the learning environment, another option is to just take him out of the day care component, Daniels says.

Taking him out is a last resort since he's doing well in preschool, Vogler says.

"Three-year-olds change from one month to the next," he says. "Give him time to mature into the unstructured part of his day as long as he's not in danger."

In preschool, he is with all children his own age, notes panelist Rochelle Freedman. In day care he is with a whole new set of kids of various ages.

"It may be overwhelming for him," she says. "Establish a buddy for him with play dates so he feels connected."

However, if you still feel the day care isn't a good match, look for another one,

"I believe when it comes to caring for a child you have to pay attention to your gut," Vogler says.