Hilarious Christmas Quotations - Page 2

Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.John Cleese, "Mony Python"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.Erma BombeckThe one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.Joan RiversThere is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

P.J. O'RourkeNever worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.Larry WildeMail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.Johnny CarsonOnce again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

Dave BarryI stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.Shirley TempleMany banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year's gifts.AnonymousIn the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'

Dave BarryThe worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.Johnny Carson
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More holiday quotesLast update: Thu, 01/25/2018 - 06:09