Sense & Sensitivity.

Senior dislikes 'grandma' label

October 07, 2002|By Harriette Cole.

Dear Harriette: I am an 80-year-old career woman who is still vibrant, and I look very young. Even a doctor said I look at least 20 years younger than I am, and I'm proud of it. There is a young woman (31 years old) who was so fond of me -- as I was of her -- that she insisted on calling me "Grandma." I also felt like she was my granddaughter, but I've explained to her in so many words that I don't like to be labeled as such. Finally, I thought, "Perhaps it's my vanity, but . . . ." She agreed wholeheartedly and said, "Yes!" After she moved to another state, I wrote her a friendly letter, but to my surprise, she seems angry with me and does not answer my letter. Was I out of line to ask her not to label me as "Grandma"?

-- K.M.Y., New York, N.Y.

K.M.Y.: Part of being true friends is learning how to love each other. That includes being able to mend after feelings get hurt. It sounds like both of you got your feelings hurt because of misinterpretations of labels. I wonder if your younger friend was, or is, close to her grandmother. The bond of friendship that prompted her to call you Grandma came from a deep and loving place. I doubt that she considered she might be offending your youthful qualities when her heart was claiming you in that familial way. Your correction probably felt like rejection to her.

It's understandable that if you are living a vigorous and energetic life you want to be thought of in that way -- not as a stereotypical grandmother. Can you see how your younger friend wasn't stereotyping you at all? She was showing love for you in the best way she knew how. Reach out to her again, letting her know how much you miss her. Make it clear that you want to be a part of her life. If she responds and you reconnect, talk to her about her grandmother and learn what the term of endearment means to her. Be wise: Don't let a label stand in the way of a meaningful relationship.

Dear Harriette: I'm not sure if I want to go back to school. It has been 23 years since I was in school, and now I have three kids. I am divorced and in a common-law marriage. I've been busy, but with all of this, it feels like I've missed my opportunity. Is it too late for me?

-- David, New York, N.Y.

David: It's never too late! Some of the greatest success stories come from adults who have made the commitment to go back and learn more to improve their lives. Your pursuit of knowledge will not only help you, but it will also inspire your children. Start reading books in areas that interest you to hone your reading and writing skills. Investigate education programs that allow you to work and go to school, or offer credit for life experience. To pursue your GED, see www.acenet.edu/calec/ged. Contact your local community college to pursue higher-education options.