Stuff You Don't Care About But Will Help You Get Laid

For those of you who need a break from watching High School Musical 2 over and over again, here is your weekly gossip breakdown. It's mostly filled with crackheads and hos  and a pregnant lady thrown in for good measure.

Let's start with the crackheads:

Lindsay Lohan was finally spotted for the first time in Utah, where she is supposedly receiving treatment at the Cirque Lodge. However she wasn't in group therapy or painting pics of her broken heart, she was outside of the facility at a tanning salon. Who is this bitch kidding? Maybe I'm dumb and they sizzle addiction out of you with UV Rays. I'm sure that's it. At least it's easier to spot cocaine on orange skin! [WWTDD]

Check out this sign about Lindsay that someone posted on Paris Hilton's gate. Is she a secret comedy genius? [CelebSlam]Britney is on the cover of THREE tabloids this week  and all are screaming about what a bad mom she is. Oh and that she's also a big ol' carpet muncher. This was a toss up between the crackhead and the ho categories many Brit needs her on category: Mom who drinks in front of the kids she hates and flashes her nipples to all. Sounds good! [WWTDD]

K-Fed is going around serving legal papers to all of Brit's pals, forcing them to testify in the couple's custody case. He even ambushed Brit's assistant when she was leaving a party at like 3AM. K-Fed is one of those scary dumb geniuses that, like, works at some shitty doughnut place and then figures out a way to sue the joint for billions of dollars for like, slipping in a hallway. Britney is his doughnut place, obviously  cuz she's fat n' sweet. [IDLYITW]

Score one for the crackheads  here's Jenna! Normally she'd be in the ho category, because you know, she fucks on film for a living, but check out this pic and try to tell me what is going on here. Girl needs a Big Mag stat. I really love Jenna, but not when I have direct access to the workings of her skeleton. Boo. Fatten up! [IDLYITW]

After ODing on heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, Special K and booze, Amy Winehouse has been in and out of rehab all week. She is currently in right now, which just makes her song some kind of sad self fulfilling prophecy. She should trying writing a jam called, "I'm hot and healthy and weigh more than 80 pounds" and see what happens. [NinjaDude]

And on to the hos:

This is by far my favorite picture of the week: boring actress Anne Hathaway giving what looks to be some hardcore BJ action to her boyfriend (who's on his cell phone) while on a yacht  and next to people! I mean seriously, she can NOT really be blowing this dude. For one thing, she is too fucking boring to be that rad and two  cell phone and other people's feet! Cell phone BJs only lead to break ups. Good luck Anne! [WWTDD]

I would really love Evan Rachel Wood if she wasn't going through her college rebellion by fucking Marilyn Manson in blood. Why doesn't she just get a butterfly tattoo or a nose ring and call it a day? Still, she's hotastic. [Egotastic]

Hey  I just figured out what would stop the war in Iraq  Kim Kardashian's ass. I'm pretty sure no roadside bomb could penetrate that thing, and people would probably be too stunned by it's size to engage in civil war. Plus won't the Iraqis love us when we show them what our women are really made of?! I'm a genius. This week Kim denied having butt implants, but said she's not opposed to plastic surgery. Sooooo .expect butt implants in a few weeks. [CelebSlam]

John Mayer is now dating Cameron Diaz. He is the whore in this situation. I know Cam likes the music-y guys, but I wouldn't touch anything with Jessica Simpson juice on it. It's probably extremely dumb and annoying. [DListed]

I hate these two publicity hos more than I hate Lauren Conrad's lame personality. I'm talking about Spencer and Heidi, and after I tried twice to post a pic of them in this here update it came out all weird both times, so I take that as a sign that they are the devil's work. [DListed]

And finally, the Pregnant Hottie of the Week Award goes to NICOLERICHIE! Holy bonerville. She has boobs! Babies are the answer! Jenna Jameson needs to get knocked up. SRSLY. [CelebSlam]