THIS IS LONG BUT GOOD! READ IT! I've now been clean a few months, thank God. I'm on suboxone maintenance now, and feeling great. This all happened about 6 months ago, I'm writing it from memory.

I feel as if I'm in warm water, rising, ascending rapidly toward the surface. I can see the light at the top, filtering down, its getting closer. I don't want to reach it. I don't know why but I'm terrified. And then I hit the surface, I gasp for breath, open my eyes... I'm lying in bed, covered in sweat. It soaks through my sheets. I left my window open last night, and the cold morning air stings my skin. Now I remember why I didn't want to reach the surface. To wake up. To face the day. I slept in, I realize, looking at the clock. I'm already sick. I rip the covers off, nausea rises in my stomach. The eyes water, that sick metallic taste lingers in the back of my mouth.... I should have saved something for the morning... I pick my cell up off the floor. 15 missed calls. All from S. I call him back.

'Hey man, your still down to go right???'He's trying to hide the panic in his voice. 'Yeah, don't worry' I say, 'I'll be there soon as possible' I stumble to my feet, pull some dirty jeans on, the denim hurts the skin on contact. I pull a shirt on, and its immediately soaked with my sweat. I've been wearing these clothes for 6 days now, haven't showered in just as long. My hair and skin is greasy, my face scattered with zits. I eat half a banana, feel like puking, and throw it into the yard as I walk out the door. When withdrawing my walk takes on that of an old man.

I hobble out to the car. Its at the end of my driveway. it seems like a mile. I'm glad to just sit and drive, although now the sickness is getting to the next stage. My bones feel bruised, my legs radiate with dull aching from the bone out. I drive like a madman. 20 minutes later i arrive at S's house. I can't get out of the car. I honk.
He comes hobbling out just like me, quick as he can, and jumps in. He looks at me, eyes wide and frantic, pouring sweat, and screams. 'AAAHHH!!!! FUCK! Lets go, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!' 'Alright! Alright! I'm going!' I back out and tear down the road. S starts laughing. He still has a sense of humor. 'I'm sorry dude! BWWWAAAAH!!!' - his signature sound. 'I'm just so fucking sick... Don't have much cash either its looking pretty grim.'

'well I'm broke dude, you know that. All I can do is drive' I say. S had been buying bags and kicking me shots for like 2 weeks now, 'cause he has no car and I drive, every so often I get extra cash and can actually get high, instead of just getting 'well'.
I drive toward Portland. Soon we hit the freeway, and as if on cue S grabs my phone and dials. He uses his very slow, precise speech so the Mexicans can understand. 'Hey buddy, I be there soon where can I meetchu? --- street and --- street, 2 north 1 east?' I automatically start memorizing the location, saying it over and over in my head. 'ok 10-15 minute? ok buddy' S hangs up.

For the next 10 minutes we don't speak until we get to the spot, we drive to the designated intersection, then go 2 blocks north and 1 block east, like they said, parking in a residential neighborhood. And the waiting game begins. the worst part. 15 minutes go by, they aren't here yet. We call, they say 5 more. 8 minutes later we call again, they say 5 more! We wait another 10 fucking minutes, getting pissed. I pick up the phone about to CRY I'm so fucking sick. As I'm dialing the numbers S yells. 'LOOK! THERE THEY ARE! LOOK! LOOK!' I drop the phone.

The Mexicans are coming down the block towards us in their old blue car, they smile and wave as they pass us. I flip a U-turn, my tires screeching. Finally, I think, FUCKING FINALLY. We follow them a few blocks, until we get on a block with not many people outside. Theres only one guy outside, mowing his lawn. He doesn't take notice as the Mexicans pull up to the curb, and I do the same. S jumps out and runs up, jumping into their car. I follow them again, 2 blocks down. then they slow, S jumps out, and runs back to my car, jumping in, out of breath.

'SHIT YEAH! THANK GOD!' He yells. 'Lets go! Lets go to somewhere with a bathroom dude, quick!' I hate doing this, but we can't wait to get all the way home, we're too sick now. But the sickness seems to subside just a little knowing that I'll be well soon. I grin uncontrollably, but I'm filled with sadness at the same time. If my girlfriend and my family could see me now... God. S has 5 different colored water balloons sitting in his lap. Its a chunk of tar, wrapped in plastic, then a water balloon, for $10-$15 each. He told me he didn't have much money, I think to myself.

He opens 2 balloons and starts breathing onto the powder to make it turn to tar. Soon he has 2 pea sized chunks of gooey, black, vinegar smelling tar wrapped in plastic. He hands one to me. He's generous today. 'Thanks for driving, man' he says. 'No, thank you' I say, 'I don't know what I'd do without you.' I pull into the parking lot of a big store and park. S hands me a clean rig, we fill them up from a bottle of water off the floor of the car. Then we get out, I don't even lock the car I'm so anxious, and we both power speed walk towards the store. By now my entire body aches, my skin stings, my stomach is turning over, my bones feel like their on fire. I would be crying in agony if it weren't for the fact that I know I'll be high in 3 minutes. S and I get inside the store, acting like we don't even know each other, and head for the bathrooms.

We each go into a separate stall. I pull an old spoon out of my pocket, and place 3/4 of my balloon inside. Then I squirt the water from the syringe into the spoon, and begin cooking it. my hands are shaking, I nearly spill some. Soon the tar, black as night, melts down into the water, turning to a brown puddle. The bitter, vinegar like smell fills the bathroom stall. I worry about people outside the stall smelling it, but theres just one old man at the urinal out there. I tear a small peice of cotton off of a cotton ball I had in my pocket, and toss it into the brown sludge. I watch the cotton soak up the liquid, until its consumed, sitting in a small puddle. I stick the end of the needle into the cotton, and draw back,sucking the entire contents into the syringe. A dark brown mixture, filling 1/3 of the 1 cc syringe. I cap it, and take off my belt, wrapping it tight around my left arm.

This is the part I hate, I don't understand people who enjoy this. I slap my arm a few times, and a large vein reveals itself at the crook of my elbow. I pull the cap off the rig with my teeth, and slowly begin sliding it into the vein. I hear S grunt a few stalls down, and mumble 'mother fucker, fuckin thing'. My right hand, holding the spike is shaking, it takes me two tries, till I feel that 'pop' of the needle entering the vein. I draw back the plunger, it fills with a crimson mushroom cloud, the deep red overtaking the brown mixture. My stomach turns over, my heart pounds in my chest, this is gonna be a big one. I loosen the belt around my arm and push down the plunger, slowly, careful not to let the needle pop out, missing shots is horrible. Then, its done. I pull the needle out, cap it, place it in my pocket.

I put my belt back on. But the whole time I'm counting, subconsciously, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and then WHOOOSH, I feel the warmth, emanating outward from my chest and deep in my head, I feel a tingle deep inside my being, like being on the verge of an orgasm. My eyes close, all on their own, my body seems to sink into the opiate. The warmth takes over, eradicating the sickness, and I'm glowing. I feel ten feet off the ground... my god, its almost too good. I wobble on my feet, my eyes closed, having trouble keeping balanced. Suddenly I hear my name. Where am I? I open my eyes, oh yeah its S calling my name, but I don't care, I'm in a blur, a beautiful merciful blur. I feel like I'm in a warm bath. For a second, I almost forget the hassle of the day, and that I'll have to do it all over again tomorrow. I step out of the stall and see S waiting for me, a slight smile on his face. 'Man,' I say, ' I don't wanna do this anymore, I wanna get clean.' S is nodding out, standing there. He shakes his head around trying to come out of it. 'Huh? Oh yeah. Yeah I know dude,' he says, ' We all do. Come on man. Lets go home.'