RANT: In-laws coming to visit with very little notice…

FH and I met on the east coast and we’ve been living together for more than one year in an apartment shared with one other roommate. FH is originally from the west coast, with his mother and sister lives Seattle.

This year around August, FH mentioned that his sister might be visiting soon, saying that she doesn’t know when exactly. 3 weeks afterwards on a September Tuesday, he told me his sister and her boyfriend will be visiting us that Saturday, staying 8 days with us…

I had no idea that they will be staying 8 days… we have a very small apartment and both of us have busy full time jobs. I was disgruntled about having so little notice but didn’t express my feelings other than a “Oh really? for so long? I thought it’s just going to be one weekend! *raised eyebrows*”. I went to work to make sure they have a nice visit, and I think they did.

I am in the venue searching stage and plan to book the venue before the end of this year. Since FH is leaving for a good chunk of December, we do not have much time. I have most of our weekends booked up and I tell him about Open Houses and Appointments as soon as I receive them, so far he agreed to go to all of them with me.

So, knowing that we have the entire Saturday booked to the brim, he said that his sister and her boyfriend are to visit us again this weekend. They originally are visiting DC but decided to re-route to Boston and wanted to crash at my place. They’ll get here Friday.

I am more visibly annoyed this time (seething on the inside) because I am super busy booking up our weekends, I am expecting venues to respond to my requests to tour on Sunday, now I might have to stay and entertain the guests or bring them with me to meet with venue reps

(I am not THAT familar with my sister in law and her boyfriend to want to bring them to open houses and appointments….I see that as potentially very awkward)

I told my FH that I have NO PROBLEM have his sister over but i just want a bit of advance notice. I feel like he/his family assumes that our time is always wide open for them without any consideration for my own feelings.

To be honest, this weekend is just not ideal for me. I am stressed out trying to talk to many venues at once, emailing approved caterers for certain venues and my apartment is a mess…. just the thought that I have to entertain guests make me feel ill.

My FH responded “You don’t get to decide on everything” and left it at that. This is very upsetting to me

I do plan to tal k to him again about this but I’m wondering what you guys would do in my situation.

@matildatwar: He does need to learn to communicate with you and that decisions about things such as overnight guests need to be made jointly.

You need to relax and let go. They are adults travelling across the country by themselves. Give them a key, a map and let them be on their own. Just tell them you already have plans and will see them at the end of the day.

I personally don’t see it as a big deal (as in I wouldn’t mind taking them with me to appointments if I had too, or I’d let them know I had to go out and they can entertain themselves), but since you do.. That’s what matters.

your fh shouldn’t be brushing off your feelings, but make sure you are clearly communicating your issues to him, instead of being passive aggressive about it.

I would make sure to have a sit down talk with your FH, and tell him why this can’t happen. It may just be what his family does, or it may be he knows a lot longer before hand than he tells you. Either way, you need to establish ground rules, because you will be dealing with these people for the rest of your life.

Don’t be afraid to talk to his sister either. I dont get the feeling from your post that you were involved in the calls about them visiting. Maybe she isn’t as imposing as you think, but is taking her brother up on a generous offer.

As far as this time, since it doesn’t sound like you can change it, if his sister and boyfriend can travel across country by themselves, they should be able to entertain themselves. They have been once, and you have shown that you are a good host that time. This time, you may just need to say to them “I am busy from X time to Y time, I hope you can find something to do. I would recomend X attraction if you are interested.”

My fiance and I both have parents within a 3 hour drive. Because of that, we discussed parental boundaries and visits. We set a couple of simple rules. No one agrees to a visit before talking to the other. And no guilting if the other just isn’t up for guests that weekend. We also firmly believe in the fish and guests rule. 3 days is plenty. If they want to stay longer, they can get a hotel and entertain themselves.

While it is fun to visit relatives, they might actually be happy if you did give them some time to enjoy the city alone.

Also….You might not be fond of FSIL and her BF….(Trust me I know there are people in my SO’s family I probably wouldn’t talk to outside of our relationship)…but, you should make an effort in getting to know them better since you are marrying into his family. Try to not see this as a bad thing but a positive opportunity to see them and hang out with them. His sister is not going to go anywhere and the more positive interactions you can have with her premarriage, the better I think.

Wow, the power of WeddingBee… so many replies within such little time.

Thank you for all your replies, really all I am looking for is a bit of *patpat* on the shoulders because I try very hard to please everybody but I need time to be able to do that. I am in communication with FH right now about this. He thinks it’s going to be just crashing at our place, and I expected that.

The thing is, even if it is just crashing, here is a list of things I need to do before they arrive on Friday

1.) clean out guestroom

2.) wash sheets and linens and towels

3.) make sure house is tidy enough for guests

4.) take out the warmer comforter because guest room bed only has summer beddings right now.

With our hours and schedule, it is likely that I’ll have to do these before Friday because FH is having a very busy week… argh and the perfectionist in me cannot stand the thought of having guests over and not have things ready for them.

I told him that after all my troubles to make sure his schedule works with my plans and asking for his permission, he should also have more consideration for my time and schedule.

About my feelings for his sister. I like her well enough, but we’re different kinds of people. When she hangs out with us, my FH and herself inevitably go into topics that they alone are interested/can understand. Which means that as much as I like her, I wouldnt’ want to spend time with her unless I have to because of lack of common topics.

Anyways, I am envious of those of you who have good relationships with SIL. Hopefully we can get to know each other better when it’s not a visit on the worst weekend ever.

@matildatwar: I can’t assume safely that you will be looking at a ton of venues on the same day, so I think they will be fine venturing off by themselves for a few hours. For what it’s worth I would never take my SIL to a potential venue. No, no, no.

That being said, you will be in a whole world of trouble if you don’t talk to your FI and set family boundaries before you marry him. Trust me on this one as I have an overbearing MIL. We had many many discussions before we got married about what was acceptable and not and agreed. It’s made life a lot easier.

@matildatwar: I think the biggest issue is that your FH said you don’t get to decide anything, as if having a discussion with you means you are making the decision. You should explain to him that in a marriage people make decisions together, especially about visitors to their small apartment.

@megz06: I know, I also don’t want to take them to look at venues either. I mean, I might be ok with just SIL but her boyfriend..nope… I might be looking at 2 venues in a day though because it just so happens that the cooridinators for these two venues can meet me on the same day, I rather kill two birds with one stone. Now it seems like they would like to do dinner or something that evening, so I will re-schedule.

@SummerOfLove: Yeah I know right… he did explain what he’s talking about, which made me feel better. I would feel much better about this if I live in a grande place all by myself with tons of rooms for guests. But nope, we live in a small apartment with a guest room separated from our bedroom by…a blocked door.

@Misswhowedding: aaaand you’re right! I wasn’t involved in any of the communication about them visiting. I get the news second hand from him. I am not sure if it is ok for me to text her, as I never text her and she didn’t include me in the correspondance with him.

Yikes, I’m really worried about your fiance’s response. Does he know what all you do to prepare for overnight guests? Would he be willing to do any of that? I find it most concerning that he doesn’t see this as a big deal. My boyfriend and I live together, and he always asks if it’s ok if so-and-so comes over, even if he knows it’s fine. I agree with other posters that y’all really need to sit down and talk this out.