Damian Thompson is Editor of Telegraph Blogs and a columnist for the Daily Telegraph. He was once described by The Church Times as a "blood-crazed ferret". He is on Twitter as HolySmoke. His latest book is The Fix: How addiction is taking over your world. He also writes about classical music for The Spectator.

Champion bores, Pope Francis and more showing off from that little squirt Bercow

Do the names Antonin Bvorak, Bengt Snorrström, Sir Herbert Trance and Shloime ben Chloroform mean anything to you? They were the international stars of the Global Boring Contests imagined by the satirical genius Michael Wharton, better known as The Daily Telegraph’s Peter Simple. His “Boring Notes” by “Narcolept” were a highlight of his column when I was a schoolboy. He delighted in suggesting topics over which “titans of the coma scene” could do battle. Parking problems in Wolverhampton was one. A history of creosote was another.

It’s a shame Labour MP Rachel Reeves wasn’t around in those days. She could have given the world’s yawnmasters a run for their money. This week she was described as “boring snoring” by Ian Katz, editor of Newsnight, in a private Twitter message he accidentally made public. Labour demanded (and got) a formal apology from Katz – a classic instance of counterproductive PR, since Reeves had indeed bored the pants off viewers.

Reeves is well known for her skills in this area: it can only be a matter of time before she’s asked to join Peter Simple’s British Boring Board of Control, based at Tedium House with its “fully equipped boring rooms and pillowed conference halls”. A keen supporter of the Socialist Environment and Resources Association, she is “currently writing a biography of Alice Bacon, the only other woman to have served as an MP for a Leeds constituency”. She lists “walking” as a hobby in Who’s Who. She’s also shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, making previous occupants of that post look like vaudeville comedians.

But, to be fair to Reeves, she is merely an extreme example of a depressing trend: the colonisation of politics by bores. All parties are afflicted. Look at the Government benches: Philip Hammond, Andrew Lansley, Ed Davey, Danny Alexander. Also, this is one field where the fairer sex hold their own: Theresa May (the most senior bore in the Cabinet), Justine Greening, Maria Miller. As for the opposition, Ed Miliband is the first leader in Labour’s post-war history to be a fully qualified bore, even though his public collywobbles are intermittently amusing.

A big influence is the apprenticeship served by MPs: oily PR or management consultancy for the Tories, public sector or charity non-jobs for Labour. All these professions are dripping with jargon; young politicians quickly become fluent in “on message” gobbledegook.

But dullness is also a defence mechanism. Confronted by interviewers who delight in torturing them – the worst example is John Humphrys, whose elderly terrier routine is itself formidably boring – all but the bravest MPs switch to autopilot. That’s understandable. The strategy doesn’t always work, however – and it gets on the public’s nerves. In contrast, we forgive the gaffes of the tiny minority of interesting politicians. Consider Boris Johnson – or Michael Gove, whose one-liners sometimes land him in the soup but more often goad his critics to hilarious, self-defeating fury.

In the end, the cure for political narcolepsy is for parties to select less dreary candidates. Open primaries should do the trick. Meanwhile, some of the current intake could be given elocution lessons to remove their middle manager’s drone.

But poor Rachel Reeves is a lost cause, I fear. Although she’s only 34, we should reserve her a room in Peter Simple’s “Yawnaway”, the Sunset Home of Rest for Retired Bores at Redhill, Surrey. Its grounds offer plenty of opportunities for “walking”. And what better place to complete her biography of Alice Bacon?

Stirring stuff from Pope Francis

Well! Pope Francis loves to stir things up – by saying things that may signal a change in Catholic teaching. Or, alternatively, no change at all. This week’s suggestion that atheists can go to heaven was one example. The stuff on the plane back from Brazil about not judging gays was another. In both cases, conservative Catholic bloggers have rushed to their computers to say: “The press has got it wrong, nothing to see here, move along.” But Francis must have known that the media would jump to conclusions, and that traditionalists would be forced to issue hasty clarifications. Is he playing some sort of game? He is a Jesuit, after all.

One opinion we could do without

A distinguished correspondent writes: “On Tuesday I was at St Margaret’s Westminster for Coptic Vespers. It was a privilege to be with those who are suffering for their faith in Egypt. However before the blessing we were treated to an extra sermon by Mr Speaker Bercow, who lectured us on the 'rightness’ of women bishops and gay marriage. I could not believe that he could be so crass as to use an Orthodox liturgy as a platform for secular opinions so much at variance with those killed for the Faith.”

Bercow’s spokesman admits that he said these things, but “there was no lecturing”. Maybe not; but once again the little squirt hijacked a solemn occasion, as he did before the Queen in Westminster Hall. He’s as bad as his wife, he really is.

Wonders of the 'workshop’

'Creating an LGBT Inclusive Learning Envronment [sic] – Compulsory for all staff”, thunders a memo from the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland. I’d assumed that Scotland’s premier music and drama school was already gay-friendly – but not, it seems, until everyone has attended a session “facilitated” by the Policy and Participation Manager, LGBT Youth Scotland, and the Policy Director, LGBT Youth Scotland. The aim? You’ve guessed it – to develop “best practice”.

Also on the menu at the conservatoire: “Greening the Curriculum” – a “workshop” (of course) introducing “the Natural Change Foundation’s work for the development of the 'eco-centric’ artist who will engage in social actions for an ecologically sustainable future”. Plus “Reflection in Practice”, so students can “reflect holistically across their studies and work towards becoming a reflective practitioner”.

No wonder the Scottish arts scene is so vibrant, eh?

An up-and-down Last Night

After years of slagging off the Last Night of the Proms, I watched the thing on Saturday because I wanted to see how Marin Alsop fared (very well), and enjoyed it. Apart from the bobbing up and down of the Prommers, that is, which made me want to throw up.

Why does Jerusalem strike such a chord? Too much credit is given to Blake’s words and not enough to Sir Hubert Parry’s power as a composer. The hymn “Dear Lord and Father of Mankind”, for example, is borrowed from a movement in his oratorio Judith. In its original form, the melody includes a central section that’s missing from the hymn; it’s one of the loveliest things you’ll ever hear. Do track it down.