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Thursday, May 22, 2014

the raw stuff

tonight i'm feeling overly sentimental. it happens frequently but always catches me off guard. it also always happens after cooper is asleep and when i am alone either working or laying in bed right before i fall asleep. it normally stems from hearing a sad story, being a momma myself now, i feel like i can put myself in so many other momma's shoes. i feel the love that none of us could ever truly put down in words.

as i walked through the apartment into my bedroom where i type now i passed the panty door that was left open from cooper picking out his snack before bed and then i passed the couch and scooped up the blanket that cooper grabbed out of the basket like he always does when he wants to sit next to me on the couch before bed time to put back in the basket. i passed his bedroom door and paused for a second, my baby is sleeping so soundly just ten feet away from me and i miss him. i sat down at my computer and my desktop picture is coopers face -- the best face in this whole world. it's exhausting loving him so fiercely sometimes, exhausting in the very best way, but exhausting. i want to catch every moment with him and tuck it away for safe keeping, it is a constant worry that i am not in the moment enough and not capturing the moment enough in pictures. i haven't mastered that balance yet.

i worry that i won't remember all of the little details so i jot them in notebooks, on my blog, and in my phone. the truth is, i won't remember all of the little details because i've done this very thing since the minute cooper was born and i still barely remember the days of having a newborn. my pictures serve as the memories that my brain couldn't remember. they are what i hold onto. it kills me that i can't hang onto every little detail and that i've fallen so far behind on his baby book.

i cry over cooper a lot, probably an abnormal amount. i've never had anything so precious in my life and even after having him for two years i still can't fully emotionally handle it. he got his first bloody nose today, it was just me and him. i had to be the brave one as i calmed him down and caught the blood pouring from his nose with my hand but i really just wanted to cry with him, my most precious person just busted his face and i hurt for him. it was over within minutes but it's situations like that, that make me realize just how emotional i am towards him. it is so strange to feel everything to and for a tiny 34" tall person. i suppose it wouldn't hurt to toughen up some but on nights like tonight i feel thankful for my overly sentimental ways because it normally lands me in front of my computer or journal and i get to write the raw stuff about my son that i know we will both cherish in the years to come.