Those Persons of sharp wit describe love

February 1, 2004

Bob Huber: Local Columnist

Here at the Institute for Advanced Mishaps, we’re perusing the landslide of complementary letters we received after describing the word “life” with quotes from celebrities.
Both letters praised our southpaw dictionary, so today we’re flipping the pages again and landing on “love,” as in “marriage.” You know, like the old song that goes:
“Love and marriage, love and marriage,
“Go together like a horse and carriage.
“This I tell you, brother,
“You can’t have one without the other.”
I feel free to delve into this subject because I was matrimonially involved with a blond woman for 50-plus years and admit fully that I never fully understood what in the world was going on. But like all experts, I’m hesitant to toot my own horn, so I’ll rely on quotes from persons of sharper wit to point up my scholarship.
As we did with the word “life” a few days ago, all you have to do is think “Love is…” before each quote. And away we go:
• “A disease of the nymph glands.” (C. Julian)
“A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” (Ambrose Bierce)
“An itch you can’t scratch.” (College humor, which is a charming oxymoron that ranks up there with Navy Intelligence.)
“The dirty trick nature plays on us to achieve continuation of the species.” (W. Somerset Maughm)
“A fire that either warms your heart or burns down your house.” (Strand, England)
“A union of want and sentiment.” (Balzac)
“A hot chili pepper — you know it’s going to make you cry, but you go right ahead and eat it anyway.” (Phineas Fletcher)
“A gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.” (George Bernard Shaw)
“The triumph of imagination over intelligence.” (H. L. Menchen)
“A power too strong to be overcome by anything but flight.” (Cervantes)
“Propaganda for propagation.” (Arab proverb)
“An ocean of emotion surrounded by expenses.” (Lord Dewar)
“A wonderful thing, which is highly prized in marriage.” (Rupert Hughes)
“A game never postponed on account of darkness.” (The Houghton Line)
“What makes the world go ’round when it should be asleep.” (H. C. Diefenbach)
“A magic that makes blond hair golden, white hair silver, and no hair a noble brow.” (Anonymous)
“A mutual misunderstanding.” (Oscar Wilde)
“A mutual admiration society consisting of but two members. The one whose love is less intense will become society president.” (Joseph Mayer)
“Like a poached egg — at first it’s very beautiful, but if you mess around with it, it gets all over the place.” (Ish Kabibble)
“Something the preacher throws in along with honor and obey.” (Harry Hirshfield)
“Like measles — all the worse if it comes late in life.” (Lord Byron)
“The most fun you can have without laughing.” (Anonymous)
“The gun you didn’t know was loaded.” (Anonymous)
“Like a low neckline — it’s something you approve of, but look down on at the same time.” (Winnie Garrett)
“A process that makes strange bedfellows.” (Groucho Marx)
“An insane desire on a man’s part to pay a woman’s room and board.” (Anonymous)
“A bargain, but you still have to pay.” (Helen Rowland)
“A process by which a grocer gets the charge account that the haberdasher once had.” (Franklin D. Roosevelt)
“The only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object with the irresistible force.” (Ogden Nash)
“The hysterical alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers anniversaries and birthdays and the other who never forgets.” (Ogden Nash)