From mud huts, umqomboti and straightback to penthouses, expensive weaves and moet!

Realities – Chapter Three

You know why men run over us as women, it’s because we are stupid! How many women do you know that when the husband died so many secrets came out that by the time she put that man into the ground she was now crying new tears of new kind of hurt, angry and possibly hated him! How many women do you know that when the Will came some stranger came to contest in so that they impose their children in it too leaving yours with nothing! Knowing all that, what have you done to protect yourself from something like that happening? Absolutely nothing! My friend Lubi, a Zambian national, once said to me that it is every woman’s obligation to hire an investigator every few years to check on her husband. It sounds sneaky and insecure but you have so much peace of mind when you don’t have things popping out of the closet. We were at a dinner party and all the women laughed at her and called her paranoid. Two of the women there later discovered that their own husbands had long lost their jobs, Lesedi found her husband was a criminal to such an extent that she is still in hiding because out of her stupid love she ended up like him. Our friendship ended because my husband made it very clear that I stay away from her and I listened! Lubi therefore had a point but I had never actually taken that to heart until now! I actually realized that I knew very little about my husband apart from what he told me about himself. Lubu was right though. When that women brings her children to compete for that WILL they make the assumption that, he the dead bastard, built his wealth on his own with me, his wife to help him! Make no mistake about it, a wife whether unemployed or not, helps build a man to the mogul that he is today so don’t you for one minute think when you see him driving those Range Rovers he made it himself! Who fed, cleaned him, usually even put the seed money for him to have the luxury of trying his hand at business, it was me the wife you dumb idiot! That’s why some woman who lives far away contesting your husbands WILL is just a low blow! Bitch go fix your own husband! I decided against calling my sister Keitumetsi because she tended to be over dramatic and will probably call a family gathering! O crap I have not introduced my self, my name is Nothabo, Dr. Makgofa to my patients!

I did not sleep well at all. I thought through so many scenarios about my marriage but it all came down to betrayal. At some point I was just confusing myself. I was not sure what I was angry about because I was not sure if I had heard everything he had said correctly. Is it cheating if your man comes home and introduces you to a child he never knew he had especially one that he never knew existed. Well in his case claim. I am not sure. It’s easy for people to say that I am overreacting but the reality is this, by law of anything happened to him it means that has child, Lintle, whom he had raised for 16years would have to share her inheritance equally with this mafikizolo. Imagine! This thought hurt me so much. People think that when a man dies it is just his money that gets spent but that is not true. He did not become the man he was sitting under a tree! I, his wife built him to this and fed into his success now another woman who had nothing to do with him must come and reap what she did not sow! Hell to the fuck no! I needed to find out who she was and what she was capable of. I knew my husband was connected, being a tenderpreneur and all so it could even be someone powerful! A bit of an inferiority complex sat in with that thought not that if she lived in a shack I would feel any better because I am certain I will probably be disgusted!

The drive to work was unpleasant. I was on call tonight so I chose not to use the train. Gautrain though convenient on time is not necessarily convenient on location as it is very specific on where it goes and the buses do take some doing. I had planned to talk to my friend Dr. Duma to the world but Zethu to me. She was not just a colleague and friend but more like a sister to me. She was however at 29 was unlucky in love and often said the moment she told a man she was a doctor they ran away. Women with brains intimidate men. Even male doctors don’t like us because once upon a time being called Doctor was the most prestigious thing and in the community they are worshipped especially by young girls so when we put them in their place they sulk. They are not gods. Our age difference never bothered me in spite of the fact that she was a few years my junior. When I got to work her car, a cherry red audio A4 which you could spot from the moon was not there. She probably had gone to one of her parties and was sleeping in. She often invited me out but I refused saying that an African married woman only attends weddings and funerals the word OUT does not really exist for us. Yes with all my so called brains it’s never actually bothered me that I was fine with my husband going out.

I hated working here. The nurses often were difficult to give instructions and at times it felt as though they did it on purpose to make sure you did not give them duties. It’s the world we live in. I often did things myself but there is only so much one can do. I had put off opening a private practice because if I did who would raise Lintle? Growing up in Jhb meant I felt much as I had my professional duties I also had my home ones and with these vultures everywhere from sugardaddies, drugs right up to criminals and conmen one has to keep both eyes open when raising a daughter here.

My husband called me. He asked if we could talk this out. I asked him why and what for? Mxcm I should not have picked up that phone call because he became cheeky and told me it was obvious. The nerve!

“What is the name of your daughter?”

I asked him. I wanted to know not because I cared but because it could help my private investigator in a big way.

“Her name is Nelisa!”

He said thinking maybe I was now letting him back in.

“Nelisa who? Does she have a surname or is she using yours?”

I asked him! What the hell? What if she was and I did not even know that? The thought actually stung.

“No I think the mother said it’s Songelwa or something Xhosa like that!”

I’m a 24 years old female. When I was doing second year in 2010 I met a guy. Well, he flashed a lil bit of money den I was hooked, I don’t get why I was so stupid but we met in march and in april I was pregnant. I later found out that he was 18 yrs older den me and he has a daughter my age and another child with 2 different women and he was separated with no kids in the marriage. Let me just say we both got way more than we had bargained for, because I’m sure he was just looking for a little play thing and I was just there for the money but we ended up with a baby boy. He did right and he took care of me, went to pay damages got me an apartment nanny etc and I continued with my studies. He bought me a lot of things got me my license and car. He was very scarce and busy all the time and he just couldn’t make me happy. He then waited for me to complete my final exams and I got a job and moved from durban to pretoria and that was january 2013. Well he than dumped me…

I met another guy here in Pretoria, things were very good yes I was playing around still trying to get over the breakup. Four months into the relationship I found out he has another two month old relationship on the side well he dumped that girl on the spot but I also dumped him. His family got involved and I ended up giving him another chance, but my trust was so broken and I had become so insecure. I’m that type that believes eye for an eye I also cheated on him and he was also heart broken well it felt good seeing him break down. We decided to move in together I think so we could just watch each other. I later found out he was still texting the other girl when I confronted him he got so angry that he pushed me down on the bed and he pushed my face. There I couldn’t take it he apologised over and over again and well I love him so I took him back.

2014 june he went home, paid lobola and we bought a place in december. February this year I quit my job to start my own business. Well this guy is very insecure and he calls everytime I’m an hour late or when I get home he is all moody, and we don’t talk for days at some point he said since my business I think he wants my money I’m the man blah blah blah, well yesterday 2/04/2015 we hadn’t been talking all week so I was tired of it I tried cheering him up came home with some liquor and we played a drinking game and we were fine, we even had great sex and we started playing well playing fighting and let me just say it ended up with me being pushed to the floor and strangled. My neck is sooo sore and my whole body is just sore. I’ve always feared that this guy was abusive because of the way he always reacts where any male friend is concerned, the way he has always wanted to scare me and shake the truth out of me.

I’m very confused on what to do, he’s been asking to have a baby since he’s 29 and doesn’t have any child. Well I always argue I already do have a child out of wedlock and I’m waiting to get married but my biggest fear is he will get abusive once he feel like I won’t be able to leave him.

Am I turning a blind eye to all the signs or am I being paranoid. Should I continue investing in this relationship.

O my son adores him, he stays with his dad but every time I call he always asks about him. All my friends think I’m soo lucky as this guy is soo crazy about me and treats me like a “queen”..

I love this guy but I would hate to waste my time, to end up being abused.

all the signs of abuse are there, to often we shy away from the reality we see, 1 because we have invested so much time and efforts into the relationship. But what if he kills you, who is left with your boy, another factor living in fear is the worst thing ever.

Recap on your life, make a decision not only for you but your loved ones. Its not easy to walk away because an abuser may become manipulative but strength is vital

Mike you are really an amazing writer, I wish you all the Best and Success bra! Love how your stories are always linked somehow, Lesedi being an ex friend of Nothabo and Nelisa the astranged daughter! Well done

The last thing you want is for your child to be raised by a mother who is broken and he cannot recognise, further to raise him in an environment that normalises abuse. Even worse you don’t want your child to not have a parent to raise him at all

Do what’s best for you and your son. You owe it to yourself to live your best life

Do yourself a favour and leave before things get worse. Even if you come back after a few months once he has gone to therapy or something and he realises that his actions are not okay. Pushing, shoving and strangling??? You are not overreacting girl.

Wow Mike how do you do it?? You are simply the best, THE BEST!!!! WOW! Lesedi and Mxo, then Nelisa. Nothabo be warned Dr. Thanks Mike, I might not comment everyday but I never miss a single chapter, your work is highly appreciated Sir, Thozama, you are appreciated! 🙂 God bless you.

@Ammy, I’ve been in that kind of a situation, it was never easy, you will always wanna please him and not yourself because you scared of how he’s gonna react, he is abusive, and there aint nothing you can do about it, they are never satisfied no matter how hard you try, he is insecure as well because you also once made him sob by cheating, talk to someone, professional, if it’s not helping then see yourself out, or you’ll just be abused emotionally so as well. All the best mam.

Yoooo Nelisa is back, thanks mike this promise to be very interesting especialy when Nelisa is involved. That’s bro. A2Q: dear the signs are there don’t marry him yet, he need to deal with his insecurities first and anger, if doesn’t get help then you will be hi Marimba he will beat you up! For bringing a hot food

Thanks Mike.
So after declaring Nelisa as a child that he did not know much about, he will need to declare Nozipho as a secret child. I cant imagine Nothabo’s reaction after learning that her husband has kids with sisters. Lots of revelations will be done here.

QnA
I have believed that the people who shows the most love are the people who hurt you most grievously. That is what causes the abused wife syndrome.
My point is if you can stand his abuse, stay!

Some will argue (and he may do it in case of separation) that lobola is marriage in CoP so he has shares in your business.

Hi
Ammy. I’m a tv producer and I’m currently doing a story on a woman who married an abusive man. He was insecure and possessive, he had trust issues it was so bad that he ended up accusing his wife of sleeping with HIS friends. He threatened to kill her, when he’s mad we would slash the couches in the house and break things. And then he would cry to her and apologize. To cut the long story short..the husband shot her and then turned the gun to himself. She made it and he died. She’s now on a wheelchair. I too was in an abusive relationship it wasn’t easy but I found the courage to leave before he killed me. LEAVE HIM! If you would like to talk more email me on: lerator12@gmail.com

He says he is sorry, he sees he is turning into a monster and asks for another chance. In all he has done to try to get me back , the worst was him buying me flowers. .It just made it soo real, in all these movies I watch abusive men buy you flowers just so they can abuse you again. I’m hurt and angry. He says he has an appointment with a psychologist.

lol hehehehe Mike i got so excited i almsot discussed this with my manager then i remebered she probably thinks am doing my work lol.

Seeing Nelisa and Lesedis names i just know its gona be a good read ,awu kodwa ngom mxo.

QNA:Sweety u love ur man he probably loves u to ,so i wud say u two have to work hard at your relationship no one is born an abuser he probably got issues ,suggest couples therapy ,counselling for him and his trust issues .and the fact that u cheated and his cheating is not going to help u guys get over your trust issues ,just communicate and be open okudlula lapho mama run as far as both ur legs can carry u ,most abusive relationships end with one party dead.

If, for any stupid reason you had doubts, I think today you have realised that indeed, Mike Maphoto is a genius. #Legend
Thanks Mikeesto, what a twist.

Amy, I think that your relationship was toxic from beginning, he cheated, you cheated and felt good seeing him break, and yet you love this man? Tjo!! Its a good thing your son stays with his daddy, he don’t need to see these fights, why does he keep pushing you down though, eintlek what is this pushing down business?

I think you are grown enough to know if that relationship can end up like Sindi’s and Flabba, please spare us another article of couple quarrel turned deadly and make a decision. You can both get some counselling to get over your differences, I’m sure those cheating escapades are still unforgiven. Also, work on his temper, address it immediately and get him to stop this push down and strangle business, thats abuse, and I oppose such strongly. Your other option would be to #PayBackTheLobola and call it quits, move on with your life and stop flippin jumpin from man to man, take a single break, know what you want and then get back in the game.

mike love you always come through. You know that there secrets yet to be revealed phela nelisa and cousin of hers were discovered at some point in the confessions that they were sisters. This modern wife is headed for more suprises ayeye

Well its never easy dear but for your sanity, your safety and the most important the safety of your kids it can be easy. We tend to think that we do things for the sake of our kids but not realizing that we destroying them in the process. ABUSE IS UNACCEPTABLE WEATHER MARRIED OR NOT!!!

Thank you Kats. Star, what I have learnt growing up in an abusive home where my mom was abused by my stepdad is that the kids suffer alot from this abuse. Seeing my mom in pain, depressed, hurt, it was more torture to me & my siblings than anything. After 13 years of this abuse my mom finally packed up, left our big beautiful house that had it all and took us back to our granny’s one room house and boy life turned out better since then. My mom is glowing again, she’s got life again although not dating but she is happy, my sister is doing well in varsity and my little brother is a genius in the making. We wouldn’t be where we are had she chose to stay in that relationship. Bear that in mind when you think you are doing it for the children you may be causing more harm than good because kids hurt when their parents hurt

Wow Mike & Team! #amazing
Q&A – this has disaster written in big bold letters all over it. you just don’t play like that – if you think he is worth it, then i suggest seeking professional help. if not run baby girl RUN!

Mike n team u guys r brilliant beyond my imagination, I’ve never commented bt big ups to u, I don’t know Hw my day will b without my daily dose, n to those haters always complaining 4 no shit, get a life, u can even right a single letter bt u complaining, Guys DOAZG is a great family n platform for people in need. Haters u can go die 4 all we care, I love u all guys n ur comments n ganging up on each other at times, u’ve made my 2 years great, I love u guys

Sisi your instinct is telling you something is very wrong about this relationship and DO NOT ignore it. This will not change for the better, people with insecurities don’t need a reason to abuse you. You can never do enough to please them.

Nelisa is back…I feel really bad for this lady, that girl is quite a handful.

Mr Maphoto…… Wow….. Ka Sesotho we say “Ke o rolela kgaebane”. you really are gifted. I wonder what would mfundi say if he saw these stories…. sabc would be better if you were the writer and producer of those stories.

Q&A…. Ausie….I stayed in a relationship for two years ke mamelletse abuse thinking that he might change or I can change him, but that never happened….I would tell myself that people are jealous when they advice me to leave the guy…. but in the end I left because of my daughter( the guy was not the father). had I stayed I would have died. So I say you should get out while you still can. you will be better off without him.

Star please do you and your kids a favor and leave that marriage. My mom was in a abusive marriage for years. I would wait for her to be brought home by police only for her to return to him after a while. I started preparing for the worst until last year when she finally decided to leave him for good and she filed for divorce. Hers was a happy ending. Unfortunately some cases do not end the same way. She was finally brave enough to leave after 16 years of marriage.

Lmao I feel for this wife…A set of sugar babies and gold diggers are about 2 come into her life…Nosipho’s mom will do anything 2 have a comfortable life still remember she let her daughter 2 carry on with eating Nelisa’s seconds from dat sugar daddy.Nelisa’s mother naye ke will b after every single cent dat Nothabo’s husband has due to the fact that her sugadaddy husband passed away yoh hai…I’m already making scenarios in my head…lolz Dankie Mike!!!!!!

Rose how about you read the story again? Mike mentions that Nothabo had a friend called “Lesedi” that is on the run coz her husband was a criminal so naye she also became one (linking Missteps to the story) and then Nelisa is from Confessions: Lesedi and Nelisa don’t personally link together, but the books do somehow. get it?

Dear Ammy, walk away while u still can gal. Always trust your instincts and don’t try to get proof because that will be dangerous. It broke when u cheated on each other. Men, when they have broken hearts, never forget pain no matter how much he loves and intends to forgive you!!

Also, I want to caution those who stay in abusive relationships for the children, you run the risk of Social Workers finding out that the home is toxic and having your children removed and placed in secure care… Speaking from experience

The way I just dropped my phone with both shock and excitement when I saw the name Nelisa…. Nothabo better hold on, she’s in for the ride of her life. Mike and Thozama, umsebenzi wenu muhle. Thank you for reminding us of your brilliance.

QnA: listen to what the others are saying, RUN sisi. It’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.

QA:have u tried ta speak ta him about his behavior? I think u should make all ur concerns clear ta him.yes he knows he shouldn’t be abusive but believe it or not, some men actually believe that women like a man ” who gets rough with them”. I think u should just make it clear ta him that u don’t intend ta tolerate his abuse.open a case

Mike, Mike, Mike…. you are just one of the best writers that I’ve every read their books. You are able to the story around without anyone realizing and with a bang. I thank you and your wonderful team for taking your time to write and post chapters everyday. God bless you and your team.

If he is Nelisa’s father, what about her cousin? Does he not acknowledge her at all?

Nothabo seems a tad bit arrogant….So she is a former friend of Lesedi, small world. Nelisa will definitely take her down a few notches….Like Thandeka used to say, that girl is crazy! QHude manikiniki, mnike isongo lakhe…Thanks MIke

Ammy , if the signs of violence are there then they need to be dealt with either by counseling. If a game can turn him into a monster then there is an underlying issue there. Deal with that or let him go.

Star, although you didn’t write for advice, I find it concerning that you staying in an abusive relationship and you have children and they are your reason for staying. One question, what good will be for them if that man beats you to death one day?