A Repository for C. A. Howard's Brain Traffic

Da Luigi, the restaurant in this photo, is not far from the Blue Grotto on Capri. If I had only one afternoon to live, I think I would like to spend it here. Drift on in to the little cove in the boat you've hired for the day, drop anchor, and await the restaurant's launch that will bring you in to the sunbathing area. This is where I like to look around to see if my future wife is in attendance. From there, a chatty Italian waiter will escort you to your table, where you are encouraged to while away the afternoon over delicious food, wine, and plates of olives, prosciutto, and parmigiano.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy

WASHINGTON, DC–Bearing facial expressions ranging from goofy to adoring, dog owners from across the U.S. gathered in the nation's capital Monday, demanding to know who's a good boy.

National Doggy Appreciation Society president June Erhardt.

"Who's a good boy?" asked National Doggy Appreciation Society president June Erhardt, speaking before an estimated 300 canines ranging from border collie to schnauzer. "Who? Who?"

Added Erhardt: "Is it you? Is it you?"

Despite its consensus on overall dog adorableness, the dog-loving community remains sharply divided on the question of who is a good boy. Some say the answer is "Such a good boy, yes." Others contend the good boy "needs his belly rubbed, yes, oh yes." Still other factions maintain that the only good boy is "my special little snuffy-snuffers, the bestest of all the best boys there is."

With canine-cuddliness levels at an all-time high and adorability-boosting ribbons and chew toys plentiful at pet stores across the nation, no resolution to the good-boy-identity issue appears to be on the horizon.

"The dog owners of this country still have a great many questions that require answers," said Indianapolis NDAS delegate Janine Mulhern. "Who is, in fact, my favorite little guy? Who, for that matter, has a fuzzy little tummy-wummy? And, perhaps most importantly, who wants to go outside?"

"Outside? Outside?" continued Mulhern, rattling a leash in her outstretched hand. "These are issues that must be addressed. Our high-pitched, cutesy-wutesy voices will not be silenced."

Lebanon, PA, dog Sneakers, who is believed to be a very good boy.

According to the results of a recent NDAS "Who's A Good Boy?" survey, dog owners are split roughly into three camps, with 40 percent favoring "What a pretty, pretty, pretty boy" and 31 percent holding that "You're such a puppy!" The final 29 percent argued that the correct answer is, "You are such a stinker, a stinker, a stinky-dinky-dinker!" The NDAS survey did not, however, include members of The Pat-Pat League, an extremist group that wants entirely non-verbal resolutions to the issue, including play-wrestling, head-rubbing, fur-tousling, chin-scritching, and even great big hugs.

"The question of precisely who is a good boy is of fundamental importance to millions of Americans, many of whom pose this query to their loved ones several times a day," said Marvin Sidowsky, an Atlanta-area veterinarian. "In fact, they may even find themselves asking it several times in quick succession while dangling a rawhide chew stick in the air. Clearly, it's high time we had an answer."

"Right, Bogey? Right, Bogey?" said Sidowsky, rubbing noses with his Yorkshire terrier. "Oh, no... oh, no... No, no, no, no, no. No no no no no no no no no no. Nononononononononono."

"Awwwwww," concluded Sidowsky, wrapping Bogey in a baby-blue terrycloth towel and cradling him like an infant.

Despite the differences of opinion, dog owners remain optimistic that the good-boy question can be resolved.