MILLBANK – Millbank Elementary School’s annual Diversity Pageant is a special program in honor of the inspiring message of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. – equality, dignity and mutual understanding for all. In that spirit, the faculty wanted the students to have a chance to write and direct the play this year. School staff are now regretting that decision. “I think we have learned that free speech is a constitutional right,” Principal Dr. Janice Triplehard said afterwards, “but it is not necessarily good for school plays.”

The original script, titled “Kids are Cool, Grownups Drool”, was submitted last September by Gretel Bowland, widely known as a hardened 4th-grade troublemaker. Inquiries to the school about the controversial content of the script were not returned, but school officials claim that the script was not appropriate. Under pressure, the Millbank Elementary music department resorted to using the program from 1996, “America’s Melting Pot” and the choir teacher Lynda Zykstra began rehearsals in October. Gretel Bowland immediately pulled out of the production in protest. She was later put in detention after surreptitiously circulating copies of her script inside Weekly Readers. She also tweeted repeatedly about her civil rights and about the drooliness of the principal, the music faculty and adults in general.

Nonetheless, the new play production seemed to go smoothly during rehearsals. All that changed on opening night, when Dr. Triplehard noticed that the audience included not only students and their families, but a surprising number of older scowling men. As soon as the play began, some of these audience members, who turned out to have been recruited by the Millbank Sons of Liberty, stood with their backs to the stage. In the resulting confusion, the student performers switched to singing some of the original songs from the Bowland script, such as “You are Not the Boss of Me” and “Mac and Cheese Every Single Night”. The play rapidly devolved into chaos, as local parents watched their angelic offspring morph into pint-sized radicals.

After some stern light-flicking by Dr. Triplehard, the audience and performers quieted, but not without some casualties. Chad Highsmith, the star of the production, burst into tears. Third-grader Simon Banks vomited. There were no cookies and juice for anyone.

Gretel Bowland was not in the audience and could not be reached for comment.

According to a Millbank Elementary School staffperson who wished to remain anonymous, school officials are seriously considering canceling next year’s Diversity Pageant in order to avoid further conflict. The school is also holding “educational” sessions for students after-school until the atmosphere calms down. Dr. Triplehard said, “After a traumatic event like this one, the entire student body needs time to heal. And by healing we mean detention.”

MILLBANK – If you hear the sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth these days, don’t worry. It’s just the hundreds of area children realizing that their summer vacation is just about over. At Back to School Night this past Friday, local students dropped off their school supplies and abandoned their dreams of eating popsicles, running through the sprinklers and reading comic books in a backyard tent. “No more fun for anyone now,” said Millbank Elementary School principal Dr. Janice Triplehard. “From now on, it’s flash cards and pop quizzes. And, once in a great while, research papers on obscure and esoteric topics.”

The dour atmosphere was not unique to the younger set. “I went backpacking on the Pacific Crest Trail this summer, and I seriously considered not coming home,” said Avery Toolong, 2nd grade teacher at Millbank Elementary School. “I could just keep walking north and live on roots and berries in the Canadian wilderness. At least that would be more fun than standardized testing and parent-teacher conferences.” Ms. Toolong was well known as a ski jumper before becoming an elementary school teacher and noted, “Sometimes there’s the same adrenaline, like when all the kids in the class have eaten cupcakes and go on a sugar rampage, but the payoff is not even close.”

Millbank Elementary School places emphasis on nipping hooliganism in the bud far more than other area schools do. “Other schools look at math and reading scores, but we go one step further and look at the number of potential hooligans we have converted to respectable and solid young citizens. Last year, we almost had one, but Skylar Javitz painted a penis on the side of the gymnasium on the last day of school.” This year, the updated behavioral modification plan includes community service requirements, constraining uniforms and a special point system for pointing out other students’ flaws. “Students in the Students Now Informing against Terror Caused by Hooligans who receive 10 points in a school year will receive a special tshirt that commemorates their achievement for all of the other students to see. We’re thinking a nice cheerful chartreuse with the giant black letters of the acronym; we really want them to be able to show off their accomplishment.”

“Millbank will be a town safe from the onslaught of young miscreants and all the chaos they can bring. There is nothing worse than juvenile delinquents showing up their elders in long division or discussing Christian symbolism in “The Grapes ofWrath. These are the future workers who will support Millbank’s sofa-making economy,” says Triplehard.

But local students are not thinking quite that far ahead. "Only 266 more days until the end of school next year," says fifth-grader Alf Chahine. Chahine spent the entire summer playing Capture the Flag and Ghosts in the Graveyard with his friends in the neighborhood. He also re-created the entire imaginary country of Narnia out of Legos. "And only 2821 days until I can finally do what I want, which is design Pokemon."

Also record revenue for portable toilet rentals and medical services.

The Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility reported record revenue from the sale of butterscotch pudding at this year’s Taste of Millbank Festival. Irvin Hoyt, manager at the Downhill said the residents were particularly pleased because of the hardship they went through in making the pudding, easily the most popular food option at the festival.

“All of our residents were sick, and I mean all of them, violently, explosively. But they persevered,” said Mr. Hoyt. “They didn’t let vomit, diarrhea or runny noses, keep them out of the kitchen.” The illness he referred to was a particularly viral form of the Norwalk Virus, a highly contagious flu that swept through the Downhill facility and enfeebled virtually all of its residents.

Despite the Norwalk Virus and the resulting shortage of toilet paper and disposable gloves, Downhill residents made their largest batch of butterscotch pudding in history. For the first time, the amount produced almost satisfied the demand of Millbank residents and forestalled the riots that have become an inevitable conclusion to the Taste of Millbank.

“Best pudding ever,” declared Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy as he ate what he reported as his sixth serving. “There’s an undefinable, special something in the butterscotch this year. It feels alive with flavor.”

Downhill residents report they will use the record revenues to pay for luxury upgrades at the facility, including railings for the stairs, bus passes, increased access to the exercise yard and a used ping pong table for the basement.

Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy declared the Taste of Millbank Festival a major success, stating that despite decreased sales at other food booths two other local businesses set revenue records. Both the Millbank Urgent Care and John’s Bonnie Johns, a local provider of portable toilets, reported nearly 400% increases in revenue.

Although not an official part of the Festival, the Urgent Care benefited from increased traffic. reported long lines snaking out of the clinic and waits of two-to-three hours each day of the event. Mary Caravan, lead nurse at the clinic, said she believed the increased traffic was a result of people overindulging in the flavorful delights, resulting in “flu-like” symptoms.

John Teufel, owner of John’s Bonnie Johns, said the increase in toilet usage is a mixed blessing. “We couldn’t set them up fast enough at the Festival this year. We had planned for a dozen and ended up providing every last one of the sixty I own. And there were still long lines.” Teufel added that he will be using some of his new revenue on full-body biohazard suits for his employees, who have months of hard scrubbing ahead, as the portable toilets were “rode hard and put away wet.”

Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy reiterated the overall success of the Festival. “Whatever the folks at the Downhill did different this year, I hope they do it every year! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I, uh, have a very urgent appointment.”

The residents of the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility have survived war, floods and the Great Raccoon Scare of 1982. They aren’t going to be stopped by the highly contagious Norwalk Virus, a food-borne illness that causes nausea, vomiting and explosive diarrhea.

“We don’t stop,” said resident Laverne Mayhew, one of the facility residents hard at work making butterscotch pudding when not resting or using the bathroom.

As Ms. Mayhew hand stirred a batch she added , “We can’t stop; some of us are the Greatest Generation. A few of the younger ones are the second greatest. And then there’s Dale. Who knows what the hell he is? Besides, there’s still too much pudding to make.”

The Taste of Millbank will be held in Ottoman Park in the middle of August. That means Downhill residents have already been hard at work so that their butterscotch pudding develops its beloved thick and rubbery skin by the time festival starts.

As almost all Millbank residents know, the butterscotch pudding is the main attraction at the Taste of Millbank, an annual celebration of local culinary culture. The pudding is so popular that locals bypass and scorn virtually every other food offering in favor of it, and have often waited in line for up to six hours just for a small bowl. Shortages in previous years have resulted in riots and hooliganism.

Understandably, then, the first concern of residents and city officials when informed of the gravely ill seniors was how it would impact pudding supplies. But Irvin Hoyt, manager of the Downhill facility said that while the seniors have been slowed by more frequent bathroom breaks and naps, they are working through the illness. Even the four days that the facility was without toilet paper hasn’t stopped the industrious elders.

According to an unnamed janitorial source, the spread of the virus appears to have started shortly after Discount Shrimp night in the facility’s dining hall. Downhill staff report that based on the sounds emanating from the restrooms in the facility they believe all 64 residents have fallen ill.

“While it is true that our elderly people are dehydrated and weak, they are still productive,” said Irvin Hoyt, the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility’s general manager. “Some have been working so hard they cut their hands or literally have sweat dripping off them, and they just keep working.”

Mr. Hoyt explained that butterscotch pudding sales provide 95% of the facility’s entertainment budget, which cover bus outings, air conditioning and towels. He said residents have also found a used ping-pong table in the local swap sheet they’d like to buy and have therefore increased their output.

Today in Millbank History

February 17, 1988

The Millbank City Council opens the 100-year old time capsule stored in the cornerstone of city hall. In it they find some photos, a cross-stitch sampler and an empty whiskey bottle with a note inside. The note reads "I.O.U. whiskey from Lorne Pfeffernus".