Who’s The Boss? What’s God’s Plan for Parents and Children?

“I am not their friend. I am their mother.” A few weeks ago an older Christian mom said this to me of her college age daughters. Hmmm… not their friend.

That statement led me to another observation as I watch other Christian parents- they don’t get that. I have observed many Christian families slip comfortably into the “friend trap.” They deal with their children as if they are somehow their equal. They relinquish their God-ordained role as the boss and their kids know it. This is the world we live in.

I hear parents say things like, “Oh, my child WON’T… (fill in the blank).” We make all sorts of excuses for things our kids won’t do- sit down for dinner, go to bed, take a bath, clean their room, be respectful, obey curfew… You pick your “won’t.” We are then left with stress and worry.

We agonize about how to get our child to comply. We want what is best for them. We want peace in the home. We just want it to work. But it’s not.

If you are a stressed out parent I want to point out a hard truth- you aren’t doing it God’s way. When we walk in obedience to God’s path as a parent, embarrassment, stress, and worry don’t characterize our family or even our day. Joy and peace do.

To discipline a child produces wisdom, but a mother is disgraced by an undisciplined child… Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad. Prov. 29:15,17

Being an authority figure to our children leads to happiness and peace of mind because it is an act of love. The problem for us is that our society trains us to think the opposite of God’s thinking. It seems counter-intuitive to us that love = discipline. If we love our children we will claim our rightful place as provider, caregiver, teacher AND the authority.

Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. Prov. 13:24

So when did this flip happen? When did parents stop being parental? My guess is it all goes back to the break down of the home. Dads gave up leadership. Moms gave up their place in the home. Divorce became common. Adultery and other sins have disfigured our homes. And kids became the least of our priorities.

Our guilt or need to be accepted by our kids has led parents down a dangerous path of parenting from fear. We are afraid we’ll hurt their feelings. They won’t like us. They will cry. We will push them further away from us and maybe even God.

But God’s truth tells us different. Discipline actually draws our children away from powers of darkness that want to engulf our children. Did you catch that? Satan wants your child. And God says discipline will rescue them from hell itself. Here’s a couple of versions of Proverbs 23:14:

You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol. (NASB)

Physical discipline may well save them from death. (NLT)

Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them. A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death. (MSG)

I’m not sure where it will lead, but this week I want to dedicate my writing to encouraging those of us who are in the trenches of parenting. From toddlers to teens this gig is HARD! But with that, I also trust that our Heavenly Father hasn’t sent us on this journey without a road map. This week we are going to start to unfold the map.

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Of course I agree, but I do think that for a lot of years parents were the boss only and not the parents, not loving, positively authoritative figures for their children. So then the shift happened when a bunch of kids who were disciplined but never felt loved grew up and took over. I don’t think discipline is wrong; in fact, I think it’s necessary, but if it’s done in anger or done without love (specifically without the child *feeling* loved–not just our believing we love them), it is bordering on abuse. This is a fine balance to strike, and I don’t take it lightly. I rarely get the balance right myself, but I also rarely hear many in the Church talk about it, as if the whole “teaching them to love their children” will come automatically. Mother-infant bonding comes somewhat automatically, although even that must be fostered, but the bonding that we need to maintain in order to have an effective parent-child relationship when they are older? I am finding that MUCH more difficult.

Love in the heart of a parent is #1. Love that says, ‘what is best for this child must be done – whether it’s uncomfortable for me, uncomfortable for him/her, or uncomfortable for us both’. Love that says, ‘I love you too much to start in a path that will destroy you’. This starts before a child is born. The outpouring of a parent’s love to a baby through attention, touch, words spoken – all register to establish a relationship. At such point that the child threatens that relationship through rebellion, the parent must show the child that he/she loves too much to allow that. It starts when the child still is in diapers, and the smack on the bottom of the diaper makes a noise that scares the child enough to make the point but is unlikely even felt except that the child knows the tone of voice and facial expression = disapproval.
When my daughters were old enough, I taught them a simple, but useful expression: “If your ears don’t work, your bum will”. They understood what that meant, and subsequently, I needed only say, “Are your ears not working?” They always complied thereafter, and in honesty, I can say that the total slaps across my daughters’ bottoms can be counted on one hand [for BOTH of them together].
While they were growing, I told them over and over again that God held me accountable for the way I raised them and that I would answer to Him if I allowed them to go into error. I also made it plain that I was only human, and that there was no doubt that they could hide things from me but that God sees everything.
From those vantage points, I prayed fervently, and applied the truism that “Rules without relationship = rebellion”.
Now, despite my ineptitude and failures, our daughters have done well – they both have surrendered to the Lord and have accepted His laws, which is what I most wanted even before they were born!

In addition to my comments above, in answer to whether to “be a friend or be a parent” – if you establish authority early and make clear that it is an extension of your love, and if they truly surrender to the Lord, at that point, they can start truly being a friend as well as a child. Not in the sense of equals in authority while they are still at home, because they will understand the God-given role you have. But inasmuch as their submission to God in obeying the gospel changes your relationship [in one sense] from parent-child to brother/sister in the Lord, a true and beautiful relationship emerges. And as a parent, we must all have the certain view that we are supposed to be “working ourselves out of a job”!