Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Forgive yourself everyday….

Every hour, every minute, every second if needs be.
Because what you are doing, is SUPER HUMAN…

Heck Super Hero’s wouldn’t put up with the Crap we, do….they would be all…
“I am so over this Green Lantern…that kid ate through Spidy’s web…and check it out Captain America…that cape is soaked in Urine.”….men, sheesh…. Such wannies.

Seriously. There are nights (like this) I lay awake and break down my day, regret, ways I could have done things better, moments I pray I didn’t regress there trauma…and there are days “I so totally rocked it dude.” I wish I had more days like that.

Please. Please, please PLEASE….know what rock stars you are.

That even if you don’t believe in a God or heaven…there are angels, Spirits…the Universe is cheering on the kind of healing you are doing…because what you do while you neglect your home, your friendships, the PTA, the CEO…or whomever you used to try to impress, you are changing the world. You are changing the fate of generations to come….You are stopping a cycle. At least we are trying to. Right?

We might lose some along the way. It will hurt and feel like failure, but it isn’t.
Know that deep down in your hearts Mama’s that many of us know this pain…we can’t save some of our children. We still have to breath in and out, we still have to get out of bed every morning and know we are warriors. Do Dr.’s save every patient? No. But they keep on healing, and helping and using their strength and knowledge to help those that they can.

They also wonder, what they could have done better, or if another Dr. may have been the answer.
Your child was sent to you, you are the best kind of medicine. No one will do better, help them or heal them more than you. Yet just like a cancer, any kind of Medicine may not be enough. Soul Cancer is so very hard to know the out come, because no one knows how deep it goes in each child.

But we keep on trying, keep on fighting this enormous battle. There are no medals. The wounds and scars we endure, and are invisible. We make enormous mistakes…but we get up the next day and begin again. In that battle Mama’s, forgive. Forgive yourselves completely, Forgive that wounded child that hurts and rejects you so deeply.

Forgive the pain, the disgust , the physical repulsion you have at times toward your child. It. Is. O.K. that we don’t like them. Get sick of the Drama. Want to run away. Scream. Reject, push away, wish they were normal, resent, and miss our old lives…am I missing anything?

It is O.K.

Forgive yourself. You are doing what most would not. Could not. You are doing the best you can. Reach out when your legs, heart and head can’t carry you…that takes strength and bravery too. My dear friend “M” did that today. She phoned a friend and was talked off of a cliff. WE ALL KNOW THOSE CLIFFS AND MOMENTS…and we need to forgive ourselves for them.

Tonight as I run through the day. My kids have been CRAAAAZY.
The havoc and chaos we have faced the last two days leaves my house in shambles, me unshowered, the laundry room looking like a science experiment, yet…I cooked with my kids today. I hooped to M.J. (their favorite) and pulled two kids out of major rages.
No one can see those accomplishments from the outside…no one can understand my inner ache and sleeplessness while I cheerfully walk around Wal-Mart singing and dancing to prevent entitlement arguments with the children shopping with me…

You. Are . Amazing.

Please right now, let go of that inner dull ache that is eating up your heart.

Do it right now.

You are doing the best you can. You are a Wonder Woman. Forgive yourself daily…It’s like putting on a fresh pair of Big Girl Panties..and going out to fight the World.

5 comments:

The analogy of doctors not being able to save every patient, but still showing up to heal others is the best anology I have ever heard to disctibe the life of parenting hurt kids. I "lost one" and have to be reminded often that I did all I could for him.

Thanks, Linds... I needed to hear that. "I" called the other day to get his ss # and I could hardly bear to talk to him. The pain is just too fresh and deep right now. Thanks for giving me permission to hurt. I hate feeling as though I have lost one of my kids.

Side note: We had a lovely visitor this week. :( You know... that one I have been dreading... Still a little in shock over the verbal exchange we had though. Miraculously, all ended well. I will have to share the details with you when I have minutes on my phone again.

Me, the crazy one they call Mama...

SO here's the thing....

I stink at blogging, no really I do...by the way I am dyslexic and can NOT spell worth a darn, but I write anyway.

I have the best of intentions...but life happens.

I am parenting NINE amazing kiddo's.One that is no longer safe enough to be in my home...and I mourn that, every day.This blog is about being flawed but doing the best you can do. It is about parenting some Fabulous kiddo's with some heartbreaking problems. We are just a family.A family living, laughing, crying and shaking it up as much as we can to ward off the effects of severe trauma, anxiety, depression, psychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, addictions, bulimia, anorexia, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder,Hording, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, they and we are surviving by the skin of their teeth, everyday, but we are NOT giving up.This blog is about surviving daily life with a child with type one diabetes... I am just a Mom, dedicated to MY children, dedicated to being a Forever Family, and giving some of these kids whom have never had a safe anything, a HOME: a soft place to fall.

Who this is Really for!

Sooo if you have found us and just started reading...
I am protecting my kids names out of respect. Lets be honest, if I am going to talk about their behaviors...they don't need their names out there...because it is the BEHAVIORS that are hard, it is the anger and destruction of the trauma that they experienced that needs to be named, my children are deep down good, with a whole lot of broken/nasty/ugly tossed over to disguise what is so wonderful about them.
I have six with trauma disorders. That is what is SO gosh darn HARD... they see it and are triggered some-days, by just looking into each others eyes.
MY AMAZING and sometimes ANGRY ELVES:
We have 2 bio kiddo's:

and 5, COUNT THEM F.I.V.E. Haitian Sensations .....

Our kiddo's came home 20 days after the Haitian Earthquake. Hubbie and I traveled to Haiti 10 days afterward. It has deeply changed, traumatized and effected our family in soooo many ways. So on top of some MAJOR Attachment issues, we are also all coping with PTSD, ODD, RAD, SPD and Borderline Personality Disorder....this is OUR Season of Healing.