A conversation between Michael Bay and Marc Evans

This conversation occurred on October 31 between Michael Bay and Marc Evans, president of production at Paramount. Evans replaced Brad Weston just days after this conversation in 2010. Once again, this is 100% accurate*, and the conversation took place on a fan boat in a swimming pool.

Michael Bay: Marc! It’s good to see you buddy! [waves with loaded shotgun]

Marc Evans: Um, hey Mike. How’s it going? Maybe you could put down that gun.

[VelociJosh slowly gets to his feet and runs toward the house, yelling for help.]

BAY: That Josh. Always joking around.

EVANS: Listen, Mike, it would really help with the financing if we had a firm name or two attached to this project. Have you talked to anyone about starring in the movie? And by “talk” I don’t mean “tried to murder them in your backyard as part of some kind of bizarre safari”.

BAY: Well, honestly, I hadn’t really thought of it, but then the Internet said I should cast Mark Wahlberg, so I think I’m just going to do that.

EVANS: Cast Mark Wahlberg? That’s not a bad idea, actually. And you’ve already worked with him on Pain & Gain, so it’s not like he doesn’t know what a f*cking lunatic you are.

BAY: What was that, Marc? It sounded like you just said something mean about me. You know that never ends well, Marc.

EVANS: No no—I didn’t say anything. I was agreeing with you. Mark Wahlberg, great idea! Good job, Internet! Good job, Mike!

BAY: Why thank you, Marc. Sometimes I think you don’t like me, what with all your “memos” from “legal” about “psychologically terrorizing” the “people” I “work” with, but you’re a sport, Marc. Much better than Brad. He was always crying for some reason.

EVANS: Gee…thanks.

BAY: Well, that’s all the time I’ve got today, Marc. I’ve got to go spend some time looking at LOLCats, working on my storyboards. Those LOLCats! Always up to something. It’s really inspirational stuff, Marc.

EVANS: This is going to be the worst movie ever, isn’t it?

BAY: Of course not! It’s directed by me and inspired by the Internet! What could possibly go wrong?