Main menu

Post navigation

So today, my parents told me and my brothers that they wanted to go for a walk. All of us together. It’s the last day of “nice” weather for the next week or so. And yeah, I would call mid-40’s in January in Wisconsin nice weather, but it’s supposed to get down to single digits tomorrow so they wanted to take advantage of this nice weather. Completely understandable. To me at least.

My brothers and I tend to spend a lot of time in our rooms working on music and school stuff or whatever else is going on at the time, so we don’t all hang out as much as I think we should. Although recently, I have been making an effort to hang out with my family more. The past two years or so, the importance of family has begun to sink in more and more. I’m sure graduating high school has something to do with that, life has changed so much the past two years. Family seems to be the one thing that’s constant. The one thing that’s always there and is always going to be there no matter what. These are the people I’ve known my entire life. The people who know me and my strangeness and who’s strangeness I hold so dear. The people who I adore so incredibly much.

Since graduating high school, I have come to realize how important family is. How much my family means to me and how much they have done for me and how they have helped me grow into the person I am today. So when my brothers were so reluctant to take a half hour out of their day to take a walk with the fam, it got to me. It frustrates me that they can’t see how incredible our family is and how lucky we are to have parents that want to go on a walk with us and spend time with us. How incredibly lucky we are to have parents who are active in our lives. I know that when I was their ages, I would have reacted the same exact way, not wanting to leave whatever unimportant thing I was doing to spend time with my parents and brothers, but I just pray that they realize how important family time is. One day we’re going to wish that we could go on a “family walk” as my dad called it. We’re going to wish that we could have more time to spend with each other.

I guess it comes with growing up. And I know that I have a lot more growing up to do. But if there’s one thing that I’ve come to understand completely since graduation, it’s that friends will come and go, but family is forever. No matter what.

With the holiday season underway, I’ve been constantly reminded of all that I have been blessed with. An amazing family, the best friends I could ever ask for, a roof over my head, clothes, a kitchen stocked with food, a job, a chance at an education (although sometimes I’m not all that fond of it). I am so blessed. We all are. And sometimes, we take all of it for granted.

Be thankful this holiday season. Tell the people you love that you love them. Let them know that, although it may not always seem like it, they hold a special place in your heart.

Spend time talking to the people you love, take time out of the busy-ness of your schedule. Ask your dad how she is doing. Play a board game with your little brother. Go out to coffee with the friends you haven’t hung out with in a while. Bake cookies with your mom. Be nice to crabby checkout people at the store. Really though, smile at them, wish them a good day. You have the power to turn a bad day around.

Don’t forget how blessed you are to live the life that you live. To be the person you are. Be thankful!

Yesterday at work, a familiar song came on. A song that I have sung along with many a time. I hadn’t heard it in a while, and I’m not sure why, but hearing it really got to me.

Taylor Swift’s Fifteen. I know that there are a lot of people out there that don’t particularly like T-Swift. She may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s hard to deny how relatable some of her songs are. On so many different levels. And I think this is one of them.

Hearing this song brought me back to my freshman year of high school. Being so young and not knowing what to expect with the next four years. Not realizing how those years would fly by faster than I could ever imagine. Feeling so small in such a big school with so many people I’ve never met. Mostly keeping to myself for the duration of high school. Not knowing how I fit into such a big place.

I didn’t realize how much more there was to life than the time that is spent in high school. That there is a whole world out here to be explored. But with that world comes so much responsibility. So much to do. So much to remember. I wish I could go back and tell myself to cherish those four years more than I did. I went blindly through high school and didn’t take advantage of the time that I had. I didn’t go to any of the games. I didn’t do the things that, looking back now, I wish I could go back and do.

Now I’m here. In the real world. A new person. A much, much happier person than I was. And I wish I could have been this happier person through high school. So I could experience what I missed.

But if there’s something that I’ve learned since graduating, it’s that everything happens for a reason. Despite being who I was in high school. Sad. Lonely. Kept to myself. I learned a lot through those four years. And I will keep those things with me for the rest of my life. I can share what I experienced in high school with those who are currently there, feeling the way that I felt. Try to help them break out of their shells. And I can try my hardest to help them to make the most of those years like I wish that I did.

If I wasn’t so afraid, I wouldn’t spend each day thinking about all of the terrible things that go on in this world. I wouldn’t spend every single day scared and letting fear hold me back from just being happy and living my life. I know that I need to let God take control. Well. He already has control, always has. But I need to let myself rest in knowing that fact. I need to find peace in knowing that God has me in the palm of His hand.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

This verse is one that I have been holding very close lately. There are so many things in this world that we don’t understand. That we are unable to understand. It’s frustrating. It’s scary. It’s hard to live in a world that you don’t understand. A world that you don’t necessarily trust. There are so many terrible things that happen. So many terrible people. So many things to be scared of. To be paranoid about.

Fear has held me back so much lately. It’s probably the most frustrating thing that I’ve dealt with in a while. I need to trust God with my whole heart. Not focus on what I know or what I think I know, but have faith in Him and that He knows what He’s doing.

Yup, that basically describes my life right now. Lost in this astronomy class that I’m sitting in right now. Staring at a blank page that should probably be filled with notes. Lost in my thoughts, memories, dreams, fears. Lost in wondering whether or not tomorrow is gonna come. Lost in hoping that one day things will start to make sense. Lost in life.

I feel hopeless. Like one morning I woke up and any hope I had for the rest of the day, week, month, year, was gone. Nowhere to be found. I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, or who I supposed to be anymore. I’m coming to realize just how hard life can be. Not so much physically hard, but mentally and emotionally hard. It’s busy and draining and is taking a huge toll on me lately. So many things to do, so many things to figure out, so many things to remember, being pulled in so many different directions by different commitments I’ve made because I just can’t let myself say no to anyone. I don’t want to make anyone unhappy. I don’t want to let anyone down.

Exhausted, empty, and lost. Three words that I have been feeling for months. I don’t let anyone see it. I know how to hide it, but I can’t seem to figure out how to make it go away. I want to feel free and like I know what I am doing. I want to find myself and who I was meant to be in this life. I want to help people and be there for people. I know that someday I will find myself. That day will come, I’m not doubting that. Everything will make sense at some point and I’ll look back at this time and see how it made that sense come about. It’s just this time now, feeling so lost, uncertain, scared, empty. I don’t know how to handle it. And admitting that makes me feel weak and small.

I know that everyone has times like this that they go through. I am not blind to that fact. I know that life isn’t always as peachy as we wish it were. But I’m not giving up. I’m trying to make the most of everyday that comes about. I’m trying to make the most of the time that I have with the people I love most. Despite how I may be feeling inside. I say this because, no matter how hard things might get, no matter how lost you feel, how empty you feel, there will come a day when those feelings are gone and replaced with peace. We just have to find hope for that time, have faith that it will come, and wait. Patiently wait.