Paint and Rotted Wood

Maybe one of the reasons I joined the military was because I had no family "name" to carry on.Soldier seeking acceptance from a "father figure".No ancestral narrative to derive purpose from, no family story handed down to me by my father.Directionless boy (not son), looking for a reason to exist. To fight, to seek an enemy to enter combat with, struggle and fight. To prove my mettle and achieve a form of initiation into manhood.Poisonous relationships with the female kind seeking an interaction with a mother figure that never unfolded as a child.What do these "yearnings" seek to obtain? Acceptance, from others.The ego blinding me to the possibility that these issues do exist within me, and that I am indeed connected to my past circumstances.Even as I am writing this I feel an urgency to hurry through the process and just rip the band-aid off. It is indeed a difficult act to look at yourself in this way. But once you do in an objective manner as best you can, patterns in life begin to emerge. Bring light to the situation. Accept these issues and such, then look to deal with them.These personal issues must be addressed. Put paint on rotted wood and see how long that lasts.If we are to consider that the allure of being a narcissist that is not only programmed into popular culture and idolized, then the opposite of that is very foreign and painful for the individual to consider. But also, it appears to me that Narcissus (in this day and age) is not only mesmerized by his/her beauty but also so hypnotized into championing victim hood as a virtue.Polarization continues, the middle path and middle class is slowly being eroded away. The middle ground necessary for conversation and consideration disappears in the mainstream/populist mindset.As above so below.