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Dear Best Friend: No Matter How Deeply I Fall For Him, Ill Always Love You First

He makes me laugh. He makes my heart sing. He makes me dance around the kitchen when I’m cooking breakfast and talk on speakerphone when I’m in the shower because I just can’t wait another five minutes to tell him the stories from my day.

He makes me silly. He makes me crazy. He makes me realize why it didn’t work out with all the rest. He makes my body come alive, in all the right ways. Like how we were promised in the movies we watched as little kids, wishing for something big and beautiful to fall in our laps.

Life spins so fast, you know? And here we are, years and miles apart.

I hope you can hear my heart bursting through the phone when I tell you about him. I hope you mean it when you say you’re happy for me.

And I hope you know that he’ll never come between us.

I love him. But he doesn’t know about the time I sobbed into your chest when my college boyfriend cheated. He doesn’t know about the way I crumpled like a leaf after a breakup with my first love. He doesn’t know the ways I’ve kept my guard up, or the tendency I have to fall too deep, too fast.

He doesn’t know about the time we got too drunk and wandered around the city, laughing like fools. Or the night we stayed up until four watching movies and discussing our dreams. Or what it’s like to sit with me in the middle of the damn afternoon, eat ice cream, and pour your heart out.

And maybe, in time, he will. Maybe, in time, he’ll unfold my layers. Maybe, in time, he’ll be my forever.

You’ll always be the one I loved first—the hands that held me, the words that built me, the piece of my heart that can never be replaced.

You’ll always be the one I run to when I’m overwhelmed, the one I share my desires with, the one who will stand beside me on my wedding day, when I promise myself to him.

Me and him? We’ll grow. We’ll learn. We’ll stumble and mess up and fall and fall deeply. I hope, eventually, I’ll trust him with all my secrets, all my hopes, all my life. I hope, eventually, he’ll become the one I pour myself into, the one I choose, over and over again.

But he’ll never replace you.

I can give him my heart, but you’ll always have a big chunk of it. No matter where this life takes us, or how our stories unfold, you’ll forever be my best friend. The one I loved—will always love—first.