Popular Comedy Quotes

Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam?The Dude: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter...Walter Sobchak: You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car.The Dude: And the fucking money.Walter Sobchak: And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework.The Dude: We're going to cut your dick off, Larry.Walter Sobchak: You're killing your father, Larry!

Clive (in Jessica's body): I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK. Then, I'll give you your body back because it soooo important to you.[mockingly]Clive (in Jessica's body): Waa waa I'm crying about my body... And then, you can just loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.

Jeff Megall: Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're looking to make.Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all oxygen environment?Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der FÃ¼hrer was a terrific dancer.Max: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?Leo: No, we sure didn't.Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.