Me and My Family

19 February, 2014

Making sense.......or not!

One of each treatment left. Four nights on a bed that isn't mine. Four and a half days until I see my Littleman, my Kaili girl, and my mom. Will have to wait another week to see my John. I am so grateful for the time I have had here. I am grateful for the treatments that are available to me here. I am grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has been with me through this whole time and is always with me. I am grateful for a family, and friends who support my decision to persue alternative treatments.

For all these things I am grateful for, I still feel torn. I sometimes feel lost. Like I mentioned in my last post, I feel like a prisoner who got life without parole.

Another way I can explain it is a sense of feeling torn. Torn between picking up and chugging forward like a train on the tracks, oblivious to the landscape being left behind. Pretending that life is normal and just living with what I have been given....which I KNOW we all make a choice to do or not do...live with what we have been given. I won't ever "forget" I have cancer, but should I move forward like I have my whole life ahead of me?

OR, should I just accept that I am very sick, chemo isn't working, my cancer is progressing and presume that God's will is for me to let go? Let nature take it's course? It would be so much easier of God could just tell me what His will for me is, so I can plan accordingly! lol I know that isn't how it works, but I can wish.

Here is where the title comes in, am I making any sense at all? Or not? It makes sense to me. I always feel so clear about the feelings and thoughts that run through my mind and heart, but when I go to put them on the blog they sometimes don't come out the same.

In the end I know I didn't come all the way here to come and and give up. I acknowledge that there are many people out there praying for me and my family.

I just get scared sometimes because I know how fast things can go downhill. In the last year, three people I know and cared about, died from their cancer. I fear getting sick with something else that could drag me down, something I would have trouble coming back from.

So in the end, I will come home, do my best to keep a positive attitude, keep moving forward, and continue to do what I can to fight this. I will continue making memories with my family, and for my son.

In the mean time, I appreciate your constant prayers and positive thoughts.

1 comment:

I am as anxious for you to be home as you are. You will feel so much better, just being there with your family. your spirits will improve, I'm sure. We love you so much and wish you didn't have to go through all that you're going through. Thank God you are such a strong woman, mother, daughter and wife. God speed.

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My Family!

Some Beach....Kodiak, AK

A fighter like me!

Me then, Me now!

I never thought of myself as a fighter. Someone who needed to fight for what she really wanted or needed. Things in my life were never that difficult. No, I haven't led a charmed life. haha, no way, but things just never seemed too hard to obtain or get through.
Until April 22, 2010! That day, I became a fighter. I fight now for my life. I fight for day to day normalcy. I fight to feel "normal".
April 22 I was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. After weeks of waiting, and testing, we found out I am in stage IV. Statistically speaking the prognosis for this isn't good.
So here I am, writing this new blog as a way to journal, vent, remember, heal, and share. Whether you just want to stay with me on this journey, or are looking for healing yourself please feel free to read my posts and make comments.
May God's blessings be with you always!
Dani

Books we've read together or are reading(me and my Littleman)

Lewis and Clark; Hands on Art & English Activities by Sharon Jeffus

Going West: Journey on a Wagon Train to Settle a Frontier Town by, Carol A. Johmann and Elizabeth J. Rieth

Seaman:The Dog who Explored the West With Lewis and Clark by, Gail Langer Karwoski

The Adventures of Munford (Munford meets Lewis and Clark) by Jamie Aramini

Well It is getting close to time for me to head to West Virginia and Hallelujah Acres. I am so excited and also nervous. I have never been ...

The House that Built Me

The House that Built Me

The House That Built Me, song by Miranda Lamburt.

I love it.

And the picture above is one of the house that built ME. The back is an addition done by current owners, and there used to be a closed in porch where deck is now, but the basic body of the house is the same.