Bitch-Back! Is Christina a Copycat?

Dear Ted: Regarding your X-Rated Xtina picture: Wow, does "Not Myself Tonight" remind you of anything? I am of course talking about the Madonna video in the late '80s with the Jean-Paul Gaultier cone bras. Wonder if big M is insulted for such blunt infringement on property. Or is she flattered that the new generation is continuing with her work? —Rita

Dear Madonna Mania: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? Plus, if Xtina's lame attempt at ball gags and bondage in that hot mess of a video is any indication, no one can do it quite like Madge—though the Glee kids come close.

Dear Ted: I think Lea Michele is great and a real talent (the Golden Globe nom shows that I'm not alone), so do you have any news about her other projects like movies and play? What is up next on her work front? —R

Dear All Work: Up next for Glee's reigning a capella queen? Glee, Glee and more Glee. Fox has a supersmash hit on its hands and it's going to milk every last drop out of these cash cow kids—as in more records, more tours, more everything. But hey, it'll pay off. Lea and cast are some of the biggest stars out there right now!

Dear Ted:Just saw pics of Kelly Clarkson, isn't she getting quite big? I mean the girl's allowed to be, but wouldn't her people have told her to stop eating by now? —Caroline

Dear Go Stuff Yourself:K.C. can belt out the hits no matter what she weighs—and she knows that. Why should she have to starve herself when she's got talent, or for any reason? Leave her be! What's your problem, anyway?

Dear Ted:I'd like to hear your opinion on the Katie Holmes playing Jackie Kennedy thing. Can a little girl playing dress-up really nail a classy fashion icon like the late Mrs. O.?—Karen

Dear Fashion Show:Kudos to whoever made this casting decision—I'm totally into it. If anything, K.H. has become a fashionista these past few years (plus, she's already the first lady of an attention-grabbing power couple and that has to help her get into character, no?). Though, if we're going strictly off fashion sense, you know who'd be better for the role? Suri.

Dear Ted:I'd like to know if Angelina was on this "mystery diet" while pregnant with Shiloh and the twin messiahs. She managed to stay awfully thin during both pregnancies, so it makes one wonder. Also, has Brad ever "supported" this "mystery diet" by actively participating, as well? —Jenny W

Dear Thin Woman:Brad knows when to keep his schedule free and mouth shut.

Dear Ted:If all the allegations against Jesse James are true—he's a womanizer, a homophobe, a racist, an anti-Semite—how is it possible that Sandy didn't know what kind of man she was married to? It's one thing for her to have been oblivious or to have turned a blind eye to his cheating ways, but surely J.J. would have felt most comfortable using racist slurs around his family—people that he could be himself around without fear of rebuke—and that would have been hard for his wife to ignore. So what's Sandy's story? Did she privately condone his homophobic and racist views? Her timely adoption of a black baby raises my suspicions even more, granted, she managed to keep it hidden from the public for a few months, but the child strikes me as a convenient pawn in the publicity game.—B

Dear Family Secrets:People can be über-deceptive—it wouldn't have been too hard for J2 to hide his less than stellar qualities. And you can't blame the babe for falling for a bad boy; it happens to the best of us. But Sandy isn't the type to put up with nonsense. That I can say for sure. You're trying too hard on the PR thing, it's not Bullock's thing.

Dear Ted:Is it just me or does anyone think by the time Summit gets its act together on Breaking Dawn, that these unaging vampires might start looking a little to old to sparkle?—Lolly

Dear Retirement Home:Why do you think the production studio is trying to crank these flicks out so fast? But Harry Potter was able to handle the aging actor problem pretty well, so I bet audiences will be willing to forgive the vamps for a few wrinkles.

Dear Ted:Other than the odd reference here and there, there has been a real drought of gossip on Toothy Tile in the past few months. It seems like forever since we've had a Toothy Blind Vice, clues on his identity or any real news on his current love life. Has Toothy really become that good at hiding his secrets, or are you just growing tired of the whole Toothy-Grey Goose love saga? Any new info you can share?—JA

Dear Update:Not happy with the same-sex shenanigans of Toothy's D.L. peers? Can't blame you. I do love T2, who, FYI, I would never grow tired of, but as for Toothy and his hubby go, I'm afraid to report they're not only both behaving far too much for my tastes, they're (again) listening far too much to their advisors. Twisted stuff.

Dear Ted:How do the paps and fans know when a celebrity is leaving or arriving on a flight? Surely they can't camp out at the airport all day, right?—K.N.

Dear Flight Plan:You would be amazed at what the paparazzi can—and are willing—to do.

Dear Ted:Someone in a recent Bitch-Back! mentioned the red carpet pics of Jensen Ackles and fauxancée (you like my new word?), Danneel Harris, and said how good she looked. I have to disagree. Sure, she seems like a nice enough person, and it was a really pretty dress, but it looks like she's gone out and gotten herself a brand new face! Shiny, wooden, expressionless, What is she thinking?—Enid

Dear Off the Carpet:The babe is young, she's no Nicole Kidman—at least, not yet. And trust, from someone who's been up close and personal with D.H., she is gorgeous.

Dear Ted:As someone who has a small townhouse and a young baby, and who works full-time, now is not the time for me to rescue an animal. But I did send in a small donation to our local SPCA because I was inspired by you! So, my question: when did Fey Oiled-Tush's wife find out about his...ways? And does she know the full extent of his preferences?—Kathy