11-06-2010

almost a year later:

my view on the whole ordeal:

My grandma (who lives) was in a car accident near the Rapidan Dam which was why I was at St. Mary's in the first place. I was there friday and Saturday. Friday evening I had said that "I don't know how anyone could ever work in an ICU because I could never bear to watch a child die." not even a few hours after I left St. Mary's that day the boy who I never knew must have flown in to the hospital because that saturday I was in for a very unpleasant ordeal.The boy who was brought in shortly after (who was in a totally unrelated accident) had to be charismatic in life because he was very charismatic in his final hours. I wanted to know why my gut feeling said he wouldn't make it out of the hospital alive. I was more concerned about the people in room than I was about my own grandmother. My mother couldn't understand but it was because I knew my grandmother was going to live and this boy was not. He had friends and family too and he barely lived.

I felt really guilty and I didn't know what to do. I had to stand from afar and watch the boy die, knowing full well I couldn't do anything about it. I broke down.

We'll call the boy Jordan. All I knew he was just a teenager who wasn't going to make it. That was the first feeling I felt, my initial reaction was correct. he "was" just a boy. but I didn't know he was only sixteen or his name until after I got home and did some investigating on my own. I did know where he was from but the teens there all had a certain town on their clothing, so I thought perhaps it could be where he was from, it was a shot in the dark, but it was correct which made the investigating that much simpler.I didn't want to bother the family and I don't think the doctors could or would disclose such information but I wanted to know what injuries he had. "fatal" just doesn't do it for my curious mind.

I wanted answers as to what happened. even upon further investigation I don't know much. All I know is it was a multi-car accident off Highway 14 near Waseca. I'm thinking either passenger or driver and the articles said the car hit a deer and he was the only fatality so I'm thinking he was ejected from the car. Apparently the car he was in hit another car that stopped for a deer. I never could figure out exactly what happened.If where I lived wasn't so far away from the location of the wake I would have gone. I asked my little sister if she knew him and she said no he lived in a town sort of close to where my sister lives.

I was more concerned for this boy and his family and friends more than my own grandmother (because I knew she would live and I "knew" (at the time I "knew") he wouldn't)

I didn't even know him before his final hours, all I knew was he wasn't going to make it. I don't know how I knew that or why he had to this day.

I resisted the urge to pry, I wanted to know why I felt the way I did. I wanted to know what his injuries were and if my feeling was validated or not. The doctor said he wasn't as pessimistic about it as I was. I was hoping I was wrong. I don't even know what happened, or why he died so suddenly. Until on the way home that night we went back on highway 14. Good thing I wasn't driving because I saw the blood (I'm assuming from the accident that killed Jordan) and I totally lost it, I couldn't see clearly for the rest of the ride home. I don't know how much of it was deer blood or his and I really didn't care.

I would never want to go that way, a hospital is no place to die. I was angry, vengeful, hurt, confused and I didn't even know him.I prayed for him and I prayed so hard that I was wrong. The fact that my grandmother responded so well meant I knew I had nothing to worry about. Even she could tell that the level-headed person I was was upset. she just didn't know why.

I know Jordan died before I left the hospital on Saturday but they didn't take his body out until afterwords. I came back later and I knew he wasn't downgraded. I was so mad at/ and or / even doubted the fact that there was a God. Why did my family member (who lived a full life, she was in her late 60's with osteoporosis (among other things) which is probably why Atlas and Axis got broken in the first place she was very lucky) get to live and this 16 year old did not. I felt so terribly guilty. I wanted to know why he had to be the one to lose their life in the ICU that day.

I don't like praying for people because I actually thought that God hated me or that I prayed wrong. I regretted not going over there and talking to them but at the same time I didn't feel like it was my place and I can be quite inquisitive. I knew I would have started asking questions and I didn't think it was the right time.

It weighed heavily on my mind then and it still does now. It's something I won't ever forget. It made me seriously begin to question if I really could handle medicine. I don't want to "get used to" seeing kids die.

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