My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even stepped foot in most of the opposing team’s cities.

This week, I’m coming after you, Pittsburgh Steelers!

First things first. I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because of the year 1996. Superbowl XXX. Thank you, Pittsburgh Steelers, for being a constant reminder to my worn, tattered, depleted Cowboys heart that the last time my team got a ring, I was still rocking a training bra and owned a Caboodle…

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because they have Mike Tomlin and WE don’t. If I had ONE Cowboys wish, I wish Jerry Jones would just go buy Mike Tomlin and bring him to Dallas. THAT is what I want for Christmas. Well, THAT, and a Tiffany’s bracelet…

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because they have a QB who also doubles as an alleged rapist. Last time I checked, our QB stopped to help a stranded motorist on the side of the road AND bought a homeless guy a movie ticket once. Philanthropy most often times trumps sexual preying…

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because they stole UNT’s very own “Mean Joe Greene” back in 1969 and held him captive for over a decade. You’re welcome for THAT portion of the “Steel Curtain,” Pittsburgh.

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because of their fan’s annoying Terrible Towels. We GET it. You have towels. They are bright. And you can wave them.

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their stadium is named after ketchup. Heinz Field is where they get to call home. I’m jealous. I LOVE ketchup, especially Whataburger ketchup. I wish our stadium was named after a condiment.

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their city’s baseball team had a pitcher by the name of Dock Ellis on the roster who would forever screw up a good thing for the Texas Rangers. Sure, he pitched a “no-no” on LSD once. But, Dock complained about manager Billy Hunter’s liquor policy in 1978 and decided to bring liquor on the team plane anyway. Because he did, the Rangers ended up banning liquor on all team flights….Way to go, Steelers. You’ll forever be linked to this nark!

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their city’s hockey team, the Penguins, has Sidney Crosby and I never hear the end of it in my household. Boyfriend Jake LOATHES and DESPISES Sidney Crosby because he claims that “he’s a douche” and a dirty player. Plus, he likes Justin Beiber. Sidney Crosby has started many a fight in our home…

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because one of my ex-boyfriends broke wind in front of Terry Bradshaw in an elevator 8 years ago. So, thank you, Steelers for reminding me of a GIANT mistake of a loser I chose to waste that part of my life with. But, now that I think about it. Terry Bradshaw is pretty annoying and his hair looks like a Hulk Hogan mudflap anyway.

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their city has their own language that sets our country back on the world stage. I’m serious. It’s called “Pittsburghese.” According to Wikipedia: “Locals who speak the dialect are sometimes referred to as “Yinzers” (from the local word “yinz” [var. yunz], a blended form of “you ones”, similar to “y’all” and “you all” in the South). Common Pittsburghese terms are: slippy (slippery), redd up (clean up), and gum bands (rubber bands). The dialect is also notable for dropping the verb “to be”. In Pittsburghese, for example, one would say “the car needs washed” instead of “needs to be washed”, “needs washing”, or “needs a wash.” What does all of this even mean???

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their city is the site of the world headquarters for American Eagle Outfitters. A girl I used to work with WAY back in the day at my office job wore NOTHING but American Eagle cut off jeans and braided necklaces and used to make awkward passes at me ALL the time when she knew I wasn’t “that way.” NO means NO! Anyway, she also used to take highly inappropriate bathroom breaks RIGHT at noon EVERY DAY to go let out her sexual frustrations. So thank you, Pittsburgh Steelers, for reminding me of the horny bisexual chick I used to work with who constantly left me manning her workload and making me miss out on the downstairs cafeteria food lunch rush. They had THE best fish sticks too…

And finally…

I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers because their city is one of the many homes to the dairy chain store known as “Isaly’s” and the sandwich chain shop known as “Primanti Brothers” and this ignites pure jealousy within me. Isaly’s stocks EVERY variety of the famous “Klondike Bar” AND Primanti Brothers serves sandwiches stuffed with grilled meat, coleslaw, tomato slices, and French fries slapped between two pieces of Italian bread! I’m convinced that the Pittsburgh Steelers are behind such a ruthless, cold act of keeping such delicacies out of my city limits.

So, with all of the aforementioned as exhibits A-Z, I officially rest my case as to clearly justifying WHY I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers…