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Women and Infidedilty

This is an interesting article on a book called "Undressing Infidelity":

""Who are the married women that cheat on their husbands? They are your neighbors, your friends, your coworkers. They go to your gym. They shop at your grocery store. They are the women you see every day who seem to have it all. So why are they cheating? Statistics tell us that 65 percent of married women cheat but what does that really mean? Author Diane Shader Smith was invited on the "Today" show to talk about her book, "Undresssing Infidelity: Why More Wives Are Unfaithful," where she reveals the fascinating results of her research and provides an up-close-and-personal look inside the marriages and affairs of 12 women from Midwestern moms to Manhattan execs who chose to cheat. Here's an excerpt:

No one sat with me before my wedding and had the talk. The talk where your mom, or your big sis, or your shrink says:

Youre about to marry a man who is good-looking, and tall, and kind, and smart, and hes going to be dedicated to the welfare of your children, and hes going to do everything hes supposed to do, and hes going to do it on time, and hes going to show up to your marriage every single day and every single night.

But you know what? One day youre going to be in the supermarket and youre going to accidentally bump into a can thats going to topple a whole stack of other cans and youre going to squat down and pick them up, and theres going to be a man helping you because its such a mess. And hes going to smile at you, and youre going to smile back. And its going to feel really good.

Or youll be having some work done on your home and the contractor will be with you every day. One day hell walk through your kitchen and see that youre growing African violets on the windowsill and hell bend over to look at the flowers up close and hell tell you theyre really pretty. Those flowers are important to you. Youve put a lot of time and effort into them. But nobody has ever noticed those flowers. Not your kids, not your husband. But the contractor does.

Youre going to start smelling cologne from outside your marriage.

It might happen at a meeting. You make a comment and a coworker says, Wow, good idea. I never even thought of that. You feel validated. Camaraderie at work is very seductive. You might be lured by a scent, a glance, a smile, or a remark. You dont dare acknowledge whats happening, or it will stir up feelings feelings you never expected to have after you walked down the aisle.

Ive been married for sixteen years to a man who is loving, intelligent, kind, and handsome a man who doesnt deserve to be cheated on. But through a series of events, I found myself dangerously attracted to another man.

Because of my own mixed feelings of attraction, guilt, and longing, I became fascinated by in the inner workings of extramarital affairs. I began asking questions: Are there any circumstances that would justify an affair? Are there men who deserve to be cheated on? What if your husband cheats first? What if your emotional needs arent being met, or the passion is totally gone? Is having an affair equivalent to marital suicide? I realized that to get the answers I wanted, I didnt need to talk to a shrink or read a self-help book I needed to talk to the women who had done it. I wanted to know what these women gave up, what theyd gained, and if they would do it again.

So I started talking to women about their perception of the breakdown of fidelity in their marriages. I listened to them, and I recorded their stories on audiotape. The first thing I found out was that most women want more from their husbands than theyre getting.

Angie wants her husband to turn off the TV and listen to her.

Meg loves to dance. It makes her feel young and special. She begs her husband to take her dancing, but he never does.

Lila has a husband who thinks he can control her. Not true.

Nancys husband thinks she doesnt like sex. Also not true.

Susie is the butt of her husbands nasty remarks. In public. Every time they go out.

And so on, and so on. The complaints were endless. After a while, they started to blur.

Then I met Maria, and discovered a whole new side to the story. Maria was unique. She cheated because a handsome man had cast his eye upon her, leaving her heart aflutter. And then there was Talia, who was just bored. Nothing was particularly wrong at home but the thought of kissing someone new was oh, so exciting.

Is it wrong to yearn for that feeling?

Over the years, Ive talked to women who have regrets, women who would give anything to go back, women who want to share their stories in hopes of preventing other women from feeling the devastating after-effects of an extramarital affair.

Ive also talked to women, such as Maria, whose affairs didnt cause them any anguish, didnt lead to divorce, didnt end in doom and gloom; women whose affairs were fulfilling relationships that had nothing to do with their marriages; women who didnt want to leave their husbands because they enjoyed married life; women who wanted to stay because of their children; and women who were still enjoying their husbands and their lovers.
Their stories seduced me, leaving me envious of their ability to throw caution to the wind and curious as to how they did it why they did it. A woman who engages in extramarital sex puts her own needs and desires before her husbands, a concept many women, myself included, find both baffling and compelling. When it comes to extramarital attraction, theres often an inner battle between the angel and the devil between the want to and the ought to.

Should we indulge our desire to spend time with a man who stokes the fire that had been banked, a man who simply looks good, smells great, and flatters our egos? Or should we focus our attention back on our marriages, those loving relationships so bogged down by the typical stresses of daily life that passion and sex take a backseat to mounting orthodontia bills, mortgage payments, and endless household chores?

Can a marriage that starts with love, sex, and passion endure the weathering of time? In talking to these women, I learned that every woman thinks about leaving her husband. Or cheating on him. At least once. A woman who says shes never thought about these things is either not married or in denial. Or shes too afraid to admit it. Married women of all ages have emotional and sexual needs, and if their needs arent met at home theyll seek fulfillment elsewhere.

Why does a woman cheat? How does she keep her marriage intact? How does she face herself in the mirror each morning? Who is she thinking about when she makes love to her husband? What does she tell her children when shes not there for them? How does she endure the guilt of deception and how does she cope with the fear of discovery?

There are no simple answers, but the women I spoke with did their best to address these questions. I learned that the reasons women cheat are as varied as the women themselves. Not only were their stories different, so were their accents, their style of dress, and their socioeconomic status. I wanted you to meet these women and know them as I did. But to protect their identities, I have masked their names, hometowns, and family lives. In the editing of these stories, I have occasionally clarified areas that, in the telling, seemed vague or imprecise. I have generally kept the womens own language and vocabularies intact to retain the spirit and attitude of these amazing women.

We can learn from these women if were willing to ask questions and listen to their answers. Its time to start a dialogue. " "

I just wanna to know the kind of woman that is divorced (so has presumably been through that pain and shit) that deliberately sets out to take another woman's husband? She attempts, unsuccessfully, to worm her way into a relationship with the married man's daughter? The married man's daughter works for her, and she flaunts her relationship in front of her. What kind of human being is that adulterous woman?

You feel VALIDATED. Camaraderie at work is very seductive. You might be lured by a scent, a glance, a smile, or a remark. You dont dare acknowledge whats happening, or it will stir up feelings

I think that for a lot of women &amp; men this is a big part of the reason they cheat. Not talking about sex addicts and morally corrupt A$$es. After being married a while spouses tend to take each other for granted and stop doing the little things that makes the other spouse feel special, loved, appreciated and wanted.

Why does a woman cheat? How does she keep her marriage intact? How does she face herself in the mirror each morning?

How does anyone cheat and not feel guilty? When I was still with my husband the opportunities were there yet I didnt even flirt back much less cross the cheating line. Why? Because I cant take the stress of guilt ( I call it Catholic guilt): I was brought up to be aware of how my actions could affect others in my life and not be so selfish and make myself feel good at the expense of someone else. Not saying that I can never do things because I get joy from them; that is fine as long as others are not pained by me doing so. KWIM?
Now Im in a predicament were a man is very interested in me a married man! Do I like him? Yes. Still I cannot be responsible for the hurt that his wife will endure if and when she would find out. Ive experienced the myriad of emotions from being cheated on and will not do this to another. End result will be that I lose a friend by not allowing animal instinct to take over. Then there are the thoughts of if he cheats on her, he will cheat on anyone if you do this then you are no better than your husband etc

I firmly believe that our society has placed these morals upon us that we must stay with the one person we fall in love with FOREVER when actually we were never meant to stay with only one person for our entire lives, we were not biologically created this way. We were meant to find new partners along the way in order to continue our human race. No couple was meant to stay together forever, we are not made that way, but we set that rule for ourselves in our religious beliefs and in our society. Do you ever feel attracted to another human? Is that feeling wrong? Is it really wrong to act on it? Is it natural? I have never cheated on my husband, he is the ONLY person I have ever slept with and I am 40 years old now. But he has cheated on me. I understand the desire to do so, but don't think I could ever myself go through with it knowing how it made me feel to find out he cheated... but I can understand it, that is all I can say, it makes sense that people are attracted to other people and can't resist the desire.

Oh, wait. I know this book. I own that book. I bought it years ago while I was doing research for a screenplay I was working on. (The story was about a woman's descent into adultery and I wanted to read some real experiences so I could write with more authenticity on the subject.) This was a few years before my stbx's affair. Oh, the irony.

The book sucked. Both as an academic piece and a fluff piece. It was just a collection of stories of what the women did with little to no real meaningful introspection at all. The lack of introspection could have been addressed with some insight by the author, but she didn't provide that, either.

It might have helped the book as a piece of sleazy enjoyment reading if the stories were at least hot. They weren't.

I have to tell you that infidelity never crossed my mind! I was so in love with him, I would catch my breath every time I saw him across a room, or he came through our door, or I came home and saw him.Even the months and months of his cheating that I endured...I never had eye's for anyone else..but that's just me.

Wow, I have to disagree with a couple of comments made here. This is a book about the women who cheat and why they do it. It's not about the ramifications of their cheating; it's getting into their psyche of what makes them ultimately cross that line. If we throw our arms up in the air and declare &quot;well, I'D NEVER DO IT,&quot; then we're not understanding why it is so prevalent and how to watch out for it. If 65 percent of married women cheat, isn't it enlightening to find out why? Could there be a pattern? Could there be something that any one of us could learn here? Even if we never cross that line, I'll bet each one of us has a girl friend, girl-colleague, girl neighbor -- maybe even a daughter who has or might. Perhaps we could understand them more and help, if we are asked. Or spot some critical warning signs and help out.

Maybe this isn't the most scientific book, but I do think it sheds light on an area that is mostly written about by cheating men. Thanks Elisha for posting this.

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