Dating Maze #263 - Worry - Free Dating

She wants to fall head-over-heels in love, but this courtship process is taking so much time!

About two months ago, I started dating a guy I have been friends with for five years. I always had a great time with him as a friend, but never thought about dating him because either one of us was dating someone else, or we weren't interested in each other at the same time.

More than a year ago, he told me he wanted to be more than friends and go on a date without our whole group of friends. I was a bit afraid at first. I did not want to ruin our friendship and I was unsure if my feelings for him were strong enough to enter a courtship. We went on a date, and two days later I called him to say I thought we would be better off as friends.

The reason why I didn't go on a second date or give him a real chance is because I was afraid of repeating a mistake I made with two different men I dated in the past. Each time, I was unsure of my feelings, but kept on dating because he liked me a lot very quickly. Months went by until I would eventually push the guy away so he'd break up with me. But I didn't want that to happen with this friend.

Even after I told my friend that I didn't want to date him, we kept seeing each other throughout the year. We have similar goals and come from a similar religious background. It was apparent to me that I liked him, and when he asked me out again recently, I pushed through my uncertainty. Since then, we have been dating exclusively and my feelings have grown a lot stronger.

His voice seems to bother me and I don't know why.

But my uncertainty is still there. For some reason when we talk on the phone I get anxious and doubtful it will work out. His voice seems to bother me and I don't know why (I really don't think someone's voice should be a deal breaker).

My question is: How do I pull through this uncertainty? I want to be excited, worry free, and not feel doubts. I feel that maybe there is someone else out there that I can date and be head over hills for him from the beginning and not have and uncertainty in the relationship. Is it a sign that he is not for me, and that I am trying to make something work that's not meant to be?

Dana

Dear Dana,

You have asked a question that we receive from many daters. You're trying to make a decision about continuing a courtship based primarily on the emotions you're feeling, rather than on the overall quality of the relationship between you and this man. While emotions certainly play a role in dating, there are many other considerations to decide if this man is right for you. And we'll go one step further: Instantly falling head over heels with someone may actually hinder your chance of getting to the chuppah.

Without the right foundation, important emotional energy is diverted.

First, let's talk about why a good relationship that leads to a lasting marriage is defined by a lot more than how two people feel about each other. Marriage means building a life together, and that requires a sturdy foundation. Emotions are only one part of that foundation. Another vital ingredient is that two people have compatible values, goals, and life expectations. Without this, the couple's life together will continually face significant challenges that will divert the emotional energy they could be using to enhance their lives.

In addition, each person has to feel that the other is capable of being a good marriage partner -- someone with whom they can build a stable, harmonious life. No matter how much two people care for each other, a good marriage candidate cannot be emotionally unstable, have violent tendencies, be very controlling, struggle with an addiction, unable to handle responsibility, refuse to compromise, be selfish and ungenerous, etc.

Your letter doesn't say very much about the elements we've just described. That could be because you haven't fully considered these factors.

One way to do this is to take some time to think about who you really are:

What are your personal strengths and talents?

What are your tastes, likes, and dislikes?

What values are important to you?

How do you approach life, and how does spirituality fit into your worldview?

How do you express your thoughts and feelings?

How do you display your creative side?

How do you define your character -- are you independent full of energy, flexible, stubborn, growing, loyal…?

It's a good idea to take an evening off to think about these questions and write down your ideas and feelings. Wait a few days to read what's written, and then try to formulate even clearer answers to these questions.

It's also important to have a sense of the general direction you want your life to take:

Where are you headed religiously and spiritually?

What are your education and career goals?

Where do you see your life in one year… in five years?

What would you like your marriage to be like -- how you and your husband will interact, divide responsibilities, raise your children?

What kind of lifestyle and economic situation do you expect?

We also suggest that you write down your answers to these questions, and come back to them several days later to sort them through.

Don't worry that the ideas you have today may change over time; that's part of the human growth process. And if you need more than a few days to gain enough clarity to do this exercise, take however much time you need. However, if you can't clearly answer most of these questions about yourself, you're probably not yet ready for marriage. It might be a good idea to take several months or longer to explore your world and learn more about yourself.

Even in our instant society, building a relationship takes time.

While it's important for daters to know themselves well, it's also important to know the process of relationship-building. The key word here is "process." Building a relationship, and knowing if someone is right for you, takes time. But because we live in an instant society, it can be difficult to appreciate this. We get instant messaged, are given work assignments that are due "yesterday," hear "I want it now" on TV, and see people instantly fall in love in movies. So, when it comes to our own dating, we want to instantly fall in love, be happy, and "worry free."

The truth is that being swept off your feet only works short-term. Relationships that lead to good marriages take time and patience to build -- and this is true whether two people fall "head over heels" at the beginning, or whether their feelings develop gradually. We use an acronym -- P.A.I.R. -- to help remember the vital components that must develop for two people to be able to build a good foundation together:

Physical attraction -- which may be instant, or can take a few dates to develop.

Admiration, acceptance, and affection -- admiring some of the other person's qualities, knowing they're not perfect and accepting them for who they are, and liking them a great deal.

In your specific case, it seems that you are focusing too much on your emotions, and missing the bigger picture. We encourage you to think about whether you and this man are developing the foundation of a lasting relationship -- compatible values and goals, belief that the other can be a good marriage partner, and the elements referred to by the acronym P.A.I.R.. Remember: Building this foundation is a process, and it doesn't happen overnight.

Which brings us to another point you raised that we'd like to discuss: What if you accept the premise that liking -- or loving -- someone enough to want to marry them takes time... but the person you're dating needs more or less time than you to reach that point?

Some people start to become anxious, just as you are doing. (Your suddenly not liking his voice -- something that probably did not bother you when you were just friends -- is most likely a focal point of that anxiety.) You think there is something wrong because you assume that people who are meant to be together should feel the same way about each other at the same time. But that's not true. Each of us is unique, and we process emotions, lifetime experiences, thoughts, and information at different speeds. It's very common for one partner to decide it's the "right one" weeks, sometimes months, before the other comes to the same conclusion. As long as the courtship is moving forward, the length of time this process takes for each partner is not particularly important.

We hope these ideas will help you take some pressure off yourself when it comes to what you "should" be feeling right now. In addition, we suggest that you examine the elements we've discussed that form the foundation of a relationship. If they've begun to develop, try to spend the next month or so enjoying each other's company and exploring more about how each of you sees life and what you want out of it.

We suggest dating not more than twice a week. You may not be aware how emotionally intense this stage of dating can be, and giving yourselves a few days in between dates enables each of you to better process your experiences and feelings. Finally, it's not a good idea to continually analyze your feelings -- it keeps you from seeing the forest for the trees, and you may never be able to come to a decision.

In time, you'll be more ready to think about your feelings and to determine if the other elements of P.A.I.R. are present. In the meantime, try to be "worry free" by giving yourself the time to enjoy being together and learning about each other.
We wish you success in navigating the dating maze,

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
Jessica,
October 18, 2008 2:39 PM

Good article

I understand how you are feeling and I think Rosie and Sherry and some of the other comments here are good advice. You may have a personality that is "doubtful or unsure", which is how I am too. We kind of analyze every little thing and make sure it is exactly how it is "supposed to be." But they are saying there is no exact timeline to go by, but this takes time and not too much analyzing. And if the important things are there in this relationship, it's worth continuing to see what happens. If a guy is more sure of you then you are of him, sometimes he gets excited and pursues you more (which in turn causes you to push him away). At least this is something I know about because I have done this! But maybe if you let him know you need to take it slower, not talk every day, then you will feel more freedom to see how this goes. :)

(5)
Feigele,
September 9, 2008 2:45 PM

Those Love Stories in Movies!

When I was young, living in Paris, France, I would see people innocently kissing and hugging in the streets, movies, parks and everywhere. So when you went to the movies you were not surprised to see lovers so passionately expressing their feelings. This was part of life. Today, it’s only in the movies. Times have changed. What you see in movies, is not reality anymore. People don’t express their feelings the same way, but rather with their head. Where, how, who, what will become of me if I date this person. You have to take steps, organize your thoughts about yourself and the other person, and calculate the pros and the cons. By the way, there were fewer divorces in those old times. One way or the other, we will make mistakes and you can’t prevent what will happen good or bad. If after 5 years, which is a long time, Dana has not expressed other feelings than just friendship, it is obvious that this person is not the one she wishes to spend the rest of her life. On the other hand! She should try letting go for a while and see if she misses him and even his voice. Like they say in French: “Reculer pour mieux Sauter” - “One has to step back to better Jump.” It might put things in better perspective. Right now, she’s just overwhelmed and apparently doesn’t see clearly anymore. One more thing, what we learn in books doesn’t always apply to life or to everyone.

(4)
leora,
August 27, 2008 1:46 AM

trust your instincts, not other people (no matter how wise or experienced)

I think that the advice in this article is unusually ill-advised. It is difficult, indeed, to find the person who is right for you, but not liking someone's voice is actually NOT such a minor thing. It IS a big part of physical attraction, and it seems to me, especially for a woman. It's perfectly normal for an immature (no insult intended!) woman to feel somewhat pressured by men who like her more than she likes them, to sort of go along, feeling flattered and even quite connected (esp. if the physical side is there!), but if the doubts are so strong that she feels the need to write to advice columnists--those are strong doubts! And strong signs! One feeling I think people have when they meet the "right" one is a sense of comfort and relaxation - finally, while I may have little fears and doubts and all that, is someone who I'm attracted to in a "whole person" way, and when you feel that you won't be doubtful enough to actually write a long letter to an advice column!!!!!! Don't downplay attraction, in all its forms... let him find a woman who loves his voice.
Good luck!
Leora
P.S. I was you! I didn't feel right about a handful of guys and hung on till I couldn't fool myself any longer.... until finally I met someone who it didn't give me a strange, sickening, claustrophobic feeling to be dating (much as I tried to ignore it in the other cases).

(3)
Anonymous,
August 16, 2008 3:55 PM

Wise words from Rosie & Sherry

The insights into the dating process provided in the response to this question are very informative. Not all relationships are based on immediate "sparks" and falling head over heels with one another. Having a friendship as a base for a relationship means you already have what many people covet, and what is the strongest foundation for a long-lasting marriage. You can't be friends with someone whom you don't like/respect/share some important commonalities. I think it's easy to wish we had the Hollywood version of falling in love, but that happens in the movies. In real life, there must be attraction, but there must also be compatability on many, many levels. And, there must be commitment to growth, both individually and as a couple. If you have this in your friend, you are indeed very fortunate.

(2)
Anonymous,
August 15, 2008 2:11 AM

i agree

good point

(1)
Miriam,
August 12, 2008 9:25 PM

if you don't try u are bound to fail

Dear Dana, as I was reading your e-mail I wondered if this was me, who asked the same question about 3 yrs ago (I wasn't sure if I actually sent this inquiry). I am you. And the friend I was unsure about it my husband of 1 yr. We decided to make a friendship into courtship 2 yrs ago. Then when I saw how things went, we got engaged, and then married. Some of my friends doubted this relationship because it did not seem to be based on "passion." At times I questioned myself too. The hardest time was planning the wedding. Now I look back and realize that a good friend indeed makes a great husband, as long as he has the same goals, loves, supports, and respects you, and as long as he is stable. If you can get past the notion of the movie-like love in your courtship, you may become very surprised by how you can fall in love with your husband... safely... I am praying for you and girls like us. :)

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...