Thursday, August 11, 2016

Foggy

Have been feeling stressed, anxious and overwhelmed this week. Work has been busy as the auditors have been in doing our annual audit. This year I'm more involved than I have been in the past, and there is nothing quite like having one of them come over and say, "Danielle, now why..." to get the heart racing. Everything is all accounted for and done as it should be but it's still unnerving. And well, Sam is truly a wonderful kid but sometimes she seriously makes me think I am losing my mind. We have been struggling with her listening to us and responding appropriately to our requests recently, and I feel like all I am doing is yelling at her and frankly, that makes me feel like a pretty bad mom and I do not like it one bit. And trying to juggle our running and family time and cramming in all the things I feel need to be done every day/week sometimes just simply seems like too much. Now objectively, I know that I really have nothing to complain about, that I am oh so lucky to have an awesome family, a flexible job and Fridays off, that this is what I signed up for, to take on the burden of the housework and taking care of the kiddo, that women have been doing this for centuries, and that Ryan is an amazing husband, father and partner and is doing his part by working and making much more money than I am even if it still seems like not enough, and that he is helpful and supportive and even does the dishes and makes the coffee every night, and that the reality is that life is always a constant juggling act and that it all does not have to be perfect and that we are doing the best we can and that we love each other and we are not totally messing up our child and that this is life in its perfectly imperfect form, but sometimes, like last night, it just all settles on my chest and seems like it is literally going to crush me. Yup. It is sometimes just like that.

So, this morning instead of stressing about doing a workout, I simply went out and ran an easy and unfocused 5 miles along the cart paths. It was foggy, misty, heavy, 99.9% humidity. Running the cart paths allowed my mind to wander, my legs to move, me to just be. Rescued a red eft as he tried to cross the road, picked some blackberries, home before anyone else woke up. Deep breath. Life is good.