Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A Long time

It was ten years ago this summer that I stopped driving. I always had used Honda Civics - they were reliable and got good mileage. My mechanic was always offering to buy them from me (that's a good sign, no?). My last one, Ignatius, was a deep hunter green.
In late 2001, I had an exam with my retinal specialist. He said everything looked good. A month later, I woke up with what seemed like the contents of an entire pepper shaker inside my eye. I'd had a major hemorrhage and was immediately lasered.
Usually, when the retina is lasered, the extra vessels shrink and die. But my extra vessels had latched onto the vitreous (the gel like material inside the eye) and as they shrank they pulled my retina off its backing, causing a full detachment. Since I was still bleeding, I did not realize the detachment had occurred, and at my follow-up visit they did an ultrasound and he grimly said to the nurse "it's off - let's get set up for surgery this afternoon".
So, I was operated on and when I woke up he said "now you're gonna have to lay flat on your face, not moving, for 7 days". Say what? A nitrous oxide gas bubble had been placed in my eye, and in order for it to hold the retina in place my head had to be down so it would float to the top. I was sent home with an enormous bottle of percoset. I was in little pain, but I took them 'round the clock for sedation. They worked.
I had not realized that the doc told my mother he hoped the eye would get back to "seeing shapes". On my first post-surgery visit, I read the middle line on the eye chart and he said, "you've gotta be kidding - you can actually read that?".
Over the next few weeks my vision improved to 20/40 with corrective lenses. But I was bothered by one thing - it was sort of tunnel vision. I kept waiting for the peripheral vision to come back and then finally asked him. He told me that the edges of the retina had to be cut so there was a smooth surface for healing. The side vision was gone. It would not one back. And, by the way, no driving.
I screamed "but I can see fine straight ahead". He agreed, but what would i do if I couldn't see a car that was in the next lane? Or worse yet, a pedestrian?
The grief was severe. A big part of my life had been taken away. I sold Iggy to a friend's son who needed something reliable to drive to Alaska. He is still working well.
I had always taken the bus to work, and enjoyed the time relaxing with a book or knitting. But to have no alternative took a lot of adapting.
My life runs according to the bus schedule. I can no longer jump in the car and do an errand. I have to stop by the grocery store every day to carry just a bit at a time. I can no longer go to the regional parks where I enjoyed the solitude of being in nature. If I were to ever move, it would have to be in a neighborhood with good bus connections. When I go t the State Fair, I bump into people. When I'm with my niece, she has to walk a foot ahead of me or else I can't see her (and, of course, holding hands is not an option).
What hurts a lot is when friends don't remember. My truest long-time friend phoned a couple weeks ago to say she'd seen some magnificent wild iris blooming in a bog in the distant suburbs and that I should check it out. How would I get there? Take a $100 cab ride?
When my mother was dying, I had to go to visit her according to my sister's schedule, which wasn't very often. Had I been able to drive, I would have gone every weekend.
Sometimes when I see a Honda Civic parked on the street it makes me shed a few tears
And at the time I gave up the car, I had no idea what further losses were to follow. Nor do I now. I hate diabetes.
PS - I just got a new IMac and it seems to have taken away all my paragraph breaks.

I'm glad you have public transport there. I was just wondering what I would do here without my car. But I know people who drive with only one eye, is it possible to compensate and drive safely in your situation?

I was already thinking I shouldn't drive when I was diagnosed with diabetes and I guess I'll never be putting car keys away 'cause I never got them. I think driving is a bad decision for most people with perfect vision anyways.

Here in Chicagoland, the bus service is excellent and I can go pretty much anywhere, just not as fast as other people. The suburbs also have buses, and most of them are cheaper.

I don't drive, either (because I'm disabled - long before I was diabetic), and I know how just incredibly frustrating it can be not being able to go wherever you want. About a year ago I moved to an area with better bus service and close to a store (which hadn't happened for about seven years before that), and it was like night and day. Still, I can't just run off to something on a whim. :/

ditto Molly, Pearlsa and Scott. I can't promise 24/7, but I would be happy to have an excuse to see some gorgeous irises in a distant suburb (probably next to my office) or some such thing. I would even be happy to bring my sketchbook and/or camera and wonder off on my own so you can have some solitude in nature when you need it.

About Me

I have had Type 1 diabetes since 1974. In August of 2010, I endured a life-threatening health crisis resulting in acute kidney failure. I started dialysis in October, 2010 and it's was the biggest challenge of my life.
Then, on January 12, 2012, I was told by my nephrologist that my labs had improved to the point where I no longer needed the treatments. It has been the biggest joy of my life.
The support and love sent my way by the diabetes online community has been incredible.