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One of my favorite musicians, Ben Chasny (AKA Six Organs of Admittance) joins me on AEWCH to discuss the occult properties and relationships of tones, chords, and intervals. We don’t just discuss them, Ben plays them, and we see what happens; in particular we use Rudolf Steiner’s lectures on music (starting at 32:00) and the evolution of consciousness to lead us. Also, on the four occult bodies, feeling the music versus allowing music to grow out of itself, why we need to listen to and through the entire body, Billy Idol and Francoise Hardy, Deleuze and repetition in songs, Ben’s Hexadic system for composing, and why music makes us feel the way it makes us feel.

There are four (yes, four!) musical performances on this episode. Here are the songs and when they happen:

ALL PODCAST FORMATS

Joan of Arc, Cap’n Jazz, Owls, and Make Believe frontman Tim Kinsella has long been a source of creative inspiration for me. So it was such an honor to have him on the show, and a pleasure to talk with him. The conversation is wide-ranging, but also intense.

We talk about music, of course; but also the occult, how art happens to us and why, the merits of making audiences uncomfortable, why utopia motivates us, modernism and ghosts.

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Friends,

Dave Le’aupepe is frontman of one of the biggest Australian bands of the moment, Gang of Youths. And we sat down during his US tour to discuss rock and roll, living a serious life, and depression. He also plays two songs, “Persevere” (20:23) and a cover of “Chelsea Hotel No 2” by Leonard Cohen.

Dave & Gang of Youths’s music is a hopeful melancholy; they present the darkness but don’t wallow in it.

On another note, this is the first time I talk at length about my own life with suicidal depression. How it has surged forward in my life and then receded, and why. I hope this episode is helpful to those also facing the challenge of depression.

On a lighter note, Dave broke my camera! We laugh about it in the episode, but if you’re watching, rather than listening, you’ll see a big difference in the image about halfway through. So, sorry about the image difference. But hey, you just get to feel closer to us.

In AEWCH 13, I hang out with one of my favorite punks, Mish Barber-Way, singer/screamer of White Lung. White Lung is intense, loud, metal-meets-punk, and they’re truly awesome. (Rolling Stone named White Lung’s album, Deep Fantasy, one of the 40 Greatest Punk Albums of All Time.) So I made sure to ask Mish to play a couple songs, too, even though she’s used to playing MUCH much louder. There are acoustic versions of “Paradise” at 57:55 and “Stand By Your Man” by Tammy Wynette: 1:17:40

IN THIS EPISODE

Mish’s sordid, awesome past and present in the adult industry: 2:45

Who gets screwed up by being in porn and who does well and why?: 5:10

Strategies for public performances. Of all kinds.: 7:15

Radiating sexuality: 10:20

Our apocalypse survival strategies and the Amish at the end of the world: 13:15

How screaming gets you ignored in music, especially if you’re a woman, and why to do it anyway, and what Wilhelm Reich has to do with it: 23:00

Arousal and desire are not the same thing: 36:05

The missing language of gray area sexual encounters, and why we’re drawn to simple language, even though it doesn’t help us: 46:35

The complicated relationships that can frame assault: 51:05

Mish talks about White Lung’s song, “Paradise”: 54:40

Mish plays an acoustic version of “Paradise”: 57:55

Once you get what you want you can’t want it: 1:00:50

Why danger matters: 1:03:15

Mish plays “Stand By Your Man” by Tammy Wynette: 1:16:45

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The biggest news is that I turned my book — re-titled The Sex Book: Myths, Positions, Taboos and Possibilities — into the publisher (Disinformation Books), so now all I have to do is wait for the edits and dive back in. There’s this sort of negative space when you finish a book. Like, what do I do now?

Happily, other people and assignments having been keeping me too busy to notice my postpartum angst.

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Fighting AB1576

If you haven’t yet heard of the crazy human rights violation that is AB1576, let me introduce you. AB1576 is a bill heading to the California State Senate, that would mandate condoms and testing for all porn performers and all porn shoots. It sounds like a good idea at first, but when you look at it for just a wee bit longer, it starts to reveal itself as a terrible disaster – a disaster of policy and morals.

To fight AB1576 isn’t to argue against HIV testing for individuals, but against state-mandated testing. State-mandated testing is an HIV test without consent, in the sense that a performer would be forced to have one to work. AB1576 states that not getting an HIV test coincident with a porn production, even a small-scale one featuring you and your partner, would be a crime. This would be true even if two men who had already tested positive HIV wanted to make porn together. They would have to get tested every 14 days. Furthermore, two HIV+ men would have to wear condoms in all productions, since the bill does not distinguish who should wear condoms based on status. Whatever your feelings about two men with HIV having unprotected sex, they certainly don’t need testing every 14 days, and we now know that men with undetectable viral loads do not transmit HIV. If that’s not enough to disturb you, the bill would also criminalize two long-term monogamous partners making their own porn. They’d have to test for the production and wear condoms as well.

I’ve also been interviewed several times about it. For DailyDot on how safer conditions for performers require more than some overreaching bill, Tits And Sass along with Jiz Lee on the fallout of the bill and its potential for harm , Vice, and more.

One of my favorite pieces to write in the past few months was my essay on the 1980s straight porn film, Debbie Goes To Collegefor Nerve.com. Nerve asked me to write a piece about something from pop culture that shaped my sexuality. Maybe it’s a little obvious, but porn shaped my sexuality, especially straight porn, since that was all that was available.

Here’s an excerpt:

When I was young, I didn’t understand why I fixated on the blowjob scenes so much. It must be because I want some college girl to do that to me, I thought (wrongly, of course). Most gay guys my age have had this experience: we watched straight porn because it was what we had access to, and what we presumed we wanted to watch. But really, I’m not sure what’s more confusing: gay guys watching straight porn or straight guys watching it. I mean there are naked men in it. How do straight men cope with watching men have sex with women? There are all these dicks. Guys fucking. Butt cheeks. The mystery of straight porn is that it can’t ever really be straight.

Speaking of venturing out, I’m going to be posting more often on this blog, which means my blog is going to get a little more, um, bloggy. Since I’m selling most of my longer form writing at this point, I want to funnel some of my less refined and more casual thinking into this space. I can’t keep up with the one-post-a-day thing, but since I’m intending to do more here, I’d love to know what you’d like to hear more about? I’m open to any suggestions regarding form or content. Interviews? Images? Musings? Quotes? Tumblr-style curation? Etc.

Comment below or send an email with ideas to connerhabibsocial at gmail

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Media

I’m featured in the documentary Straight Guys, which is all about gay-for-pay performers. Don’t worry, I’m not straight (and how
dare you think that even for a second!), but I have worked with lots of men who identify as heterosexual. The film also features my pal, porn hotty Bravo Delta, and the gay (“gay”?) studio Chaos Men. Here’s the trailer, which is just a little NSFW.

Finally, I’m one of 80 interviews in the book, Around the World in 80 Gay Porn Stars. Always nice to be between the covers with 79 other fellas. It’s edited by Jimi Goninan and Paul Travers, and you can buy the ebook here.

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Events

I’ll be appearing at Catalyst Con in Los Angeles in September as an opening keynote speaker!

Catalyst Con is the country’s big sex-worker/sex-positivity/sex-education/sexual liberation conference. I’m honored to be a part of this event. To register, go to the Catalyst Con site. Then come hang out with me and a bunch of people who know a lot about sex. Sound like fun, doesn’t it? Catalyst Con 2014 is September 11-14. Click here for more info.

Happy to be on this side of a new year in a new city with a life that also feels totally new. Below is my review of 2013: things I did, things that happened, things I read/saw/listened to, people I fucked and more. But before going back, go forward – Here’s a little update on what’s coming this year:

My book, now (and I think permanently) titled How To Learn about Freedom by Having Sex will be out in Fall this year! It’s due at the publisher (countercultural mavericks, Disinformation) at the end of this month. So I’m on it every day. I’ll be publishing excerpts here throughout the year.

The Conner Loves Everyone Podcast is coming – I’m hashing out the details. Basically it’s me, a co-host (TBA), and conversations with guests from the margins of culture. If you have any suggestions, now’s a good time to let me know; I’m in the formative stages. It’ll be up and running mid-2014.

I’m giving lectures around the country and will list the dates here as they come. If you’d like me to speak at your school or organization, reach out via the info here and we’ll discuss the details. You can also always hire me as a writing coach to help with projects. I promise it’ll be more exciting, less expensive, and ultimately less soul-destroying than getting an MFA.

My new web series is also in the works – if it’s not distributed via Logo/NewNowNext like my last one, it’ll be up one way or another in the next few months.

I’m also dedicating more time to the blog, so you can expect at least two entries a month. Thanks for sitting with me.

2013 Year in Review

This post is intended to give people who are new to me a way to get acquainted, and for those who’ve been hanging with me for awhile to go deeper or check out some of the stuff that was on my mind last year. Feel free to tell me about your year in the comments: your favorites and what you loved (and who), what you’re looking forward to, what you checked out from my lists/what you think I should check out.

LIFE

2013 was the year that marked a slow fade from being a porn star/writer to being a public intellectual. I know that all might sound pretentious, but I’m not sure what else to call it. I made less movies, I wrote more, I had more published, I did more media and lecture appearances. That old model of someone in the public eye who does real scholarly and thoughtful work and interacts with cultural currents is coming back (largely because of social media) and I’m happy to be a part of it, and so thankful that you’re reading this/interacting with me on twitter, listening and getting into it with me when needed.

Last year, I broke up with a boyfriend (we’re still friends, he’s awesome), I taught online courses on Sexual Revolution and Anthroposophy, I gave lectures at a bunch of schools and organizations (the Museum of Modern Art in New York – at their PS1 Dome, at Amherst College, and at the William Way LGBT Center in Philadelphia among many others). My talk at Corning Community College in New York was canceled because of sex- and porn-negativity, and it ended up being a national news story (I gave the talk anyway, and I’ll revisit the whole thing and discuss the aftermath in a one-year-later entry this March). My NewNowNext show went on hiatus, so I left you to sexually fend for yourselves (I’m sure you’re all doing fine). It’s archived though, including my episodes on how to top and how to kiss, in which me and my buddy Justin go at it. Also on hiatus is my NSFW website, ConnerHabib.com – I’m reworking it to better suit everything I’m up to; so it won’t exclusively be a porn site anymore and will largely be safe for work (with links to NSFW stuff). Or at least as safe for work as someone like me can ever manage to be. Right now, there’s a picture of me in my undies and a redirect to here.

I moved to a new city, just as San Francisco slipped into a trend of tech-hipster-ornamentalist-conservatism (I can explain what that means someday, just let it slide). One of the signals that it was time to leave SF was the nudity ban imposed by gay District 8 supervisor Scott Wiener. So ofcourse, to express my irritation, I conceived of and wrote a porn series with my friends at NakedSword (NSFW) called The Cover Up about a self-loathing San Francisco supervisor named Scott Cox who hypocritically has sex with nude protestors. It was publicized all over the country (here’s an article in the Huffington Post about it), even though the porn itself ended up being a bit clumsy and silly. Still, the sex is, well, sexy, and I had a lot of fun with it. Now I’m in LA. You can’t be naked here, either, but you can certainly wear less clothing year round. My friends have been calling me from the East Coast, telling me they’re in something called Snowpacalypse or Snowmageddon or Snownarok or Snow, uh, whatever. Anyway, usually when they call I’m sitting under a fig tree or watching hummingbirds or something.

WORDS

I published a lot of work in 2013, so I can’t list everything here (although I’ll be creating a bibliography/CV page with everything I’ve published for this site soon). Here are some of the highlights:

My most read essay of the year appeared on this blog. I wrote “Why Do Gay Porn Stars Kill Themselves?” shortly after Arpad Miklos and porn director John Bruno committed suicide. Then, just after I finished writing it, another porn star, Wilfred Knight (pictured left), took his own life. It was a rough time for everyone in gay porn, and the questions that were aimed at us didn’t make it any easier. Often they were callous or based on a sort of urgent ignorance. So the essay was a rebuke to anyone who would even ask the question posed by the title. The essay also serves as a quick primer on how to make our experience creating, starring in, and watching porn healthier.

2013 began slowly as far as my movie releases, but ended with a flurry of them. My favorites were directed by porn maverick Joe Gage. If you don’t know much about Joe, here’s an interview with him in BUTT Magazine. His movies are all about the set-up and the tension, two aspects of pornography undervalued by many other directors. That focus always makes for a fun shoot: lots of dialogue, lots of eye contact. Joe directed me in scenes with Adam Russo and Colby White for Titan Men (NSFW). In the scene with Adam, we’re dressed in tuxedos, talking about sex with each other’s siblings (who are celebrating their wedding to each other in the next room). It’s typically fucked up, but in a gratifyingly sexual and well-paced way.

My favorite movie to be in was Joe’s Armed Forces Physical. I have two scenes in the movie, both threesome, both sort of ridiculous, both with men I was really attracted to. One of the scenes is with performer Andrew Justice (pic of me star-struckedly fixing his collar on the right). I’ve had a huge crush on Andrew from afar for years. Joe overheard me pining for him one day and so surprised me by putting us in a scene together. The scene itself isn’t all kisses and hugs, but hanging out with Andrew over the weekend in the woods where we shot was. A highlight of my career. You can access Armed Forces Physical by signing up on the NakedSword supersite.

BOOKS

I never like “best of” lists for books, because every book is new every year. If you’ve never heard of it, and you read and love it, it will have the immediacy of its release date. So, many of the books here aren’t new. But they’re new to me and I loved them. Because I was researching for my own book, I read more on sex in 2013 than I had all together up until then. Some of the books I really loved included: Roger Lancaster’s biting and engaging Sex Panic and the Punitive State, which explores when, where, and why panics about sex kick up in Western culture. Relatedly, Judith Levine’s Harmful to Minorsand Sinikka Elliot’s Not My Child both detail the general sex panic surrounding adolescent sexuality; Susan Clancy shows how moral furor can damage the lives of children who have been sexually abused in The Trauma Myth; and Lawrence Wright focuses in on problems with memory retrieval in his gripping narrative of a Satanic ritual abuse panic in Remembering Satan: A Tragic Case of Recovered Memory. I reread Adam Phillips’s masterpiece, Monogamy, a series of vignettes on the problem and solution of monogamy in our culture.; every sentence is loaded with radical and profound though.

I read lots of fiction last year, but was curiously unmoved by much of it. That said, there were a some stunning exceptions. Along with, like, everyone else in the fiction-reading world, I was blown away by many of the stories in Karen Russell’s new collection, Vampires in the Lemon Grove. “Proving Up” and “Reeling for the Empire” were both terrifying and sat nestled amongst lighter, friendlier stories in this bizarre collection. Buy it at least to read those two superb stories, which will stay with you for a long, long time. I also really enjoyed a lot of Joyce Carol Oates stories, if not an entire collection. My favorite was “Strip Poker,” which is about as sinister and tense as it gets. Finally, my friend Jake Shears got me to buy one of the bleakest, most brutal books I’ve ever read, Donald Ray Pollack’s The Devil All the Time. Serial killers, spiders, dead animals, murderous cops, darkened landscapes. I still feel as if I owe Jake a thank you and that he owes me an apology. Read it and laugh and then get a sick feeling in your gut and tremble.

SOUNDS

I didn’t make any of my own music outside of the shower last year, but I listened to so much. Most of the highpoints were the discoveries of new artists or particular songs rather than albums. That’s how things are going, I suppose; an album takes up too much mental space – we’re focusing, singing along, and thrilling to a new song and a new feeling. An album is a landscape, a song is an evening.

I feel my teenage punk rock self cringe a little when I admit that the music event of the year for me was not remotely underground or unknown. Instead, it was the release of ArtPop by Lady Gaga. I don’t need to write much about it. You’ve probably already drawn your lines and picked your sides with her (Though how anyone could fail to love an album with the lyrics “Aphrodite lady/sea shell bikini” in one of the singles is beyond me.) I’ll just say, to explain this polarization, that ArtPop reveals Gaga’s biggest moment in the public eye was the only moment out of sync with the rest of her career. The straight-ahead pop of Born This Way (and to a much lesser extent, Fame Monster) never gave people an idea of just how completely bizarre she was – meat dresses notwithstanding. It’s not a farce. I saw Lady Gaga play many times before “Just Dance” came out; at drag shows, in hotel lobbies, and more. It was her, two wiry back up dancer girls, some duct tape, and a mask. It was strange and out of place. When she was working her way up to being famous, it was completely new and exciting. Then she got famous, and people lumped her in with other pop divas like Katy Perry or whatever. It’s a misunderstanding that ArtPop displaces. Many people aren’t ready for it; the whole album is like a signal sent backward through time. A crazy blend of Sun Ra, Arabic music, industrial, hip hop, Dub, 1970s pop, and top 40, ArtPop is amazing if you let it in. Here’s the mindbending iTunes concert that puts many of the songs on display.

FILM

Movies, movies, movies. I saw over a hundred movies last year. I have no idea where I got all that time. As per custom, I’ll list my favorite that were released in 2013. Spring Breakers and The Great Beauty seem like unlikely bedfellows. The former is the melodramatic, loud, absurd depiction of a pretty girls wallowing in sex, drugs, guns, and freedom (plus, a corn-rowed James Franco). The latter is a breathtaking and heartfelt look at how to live and love; often compared (too easily, I believe) to Fellini. But both movies are movies made by editing – a trend not started by, but given permission to flourish by, Terrence Mallick’s Tree of Life in 2012. Both Spring Breakers and The Great Beauty work to engage through a collection of images, sounds, bursts of feeling. They’re the sorts of movie that would have been almost incomprehensible to viewers before the age of the internet. The world had to be made ready for both films. They’re both excellent and both depend on, for some of the grandeur, being seen on a big screen. If there’s no possibility of that, just download/stream them. But if they show up in a theater near you, go, go, go.

I also loved Jagten (The Hunt) which is all about the sort of sex panics described in some of the books I mentioned above. A small town school teacher is accused of abusing one of the kids at his school, the town goes apeshit, the movie gets under your skin. Passion by Brian De Palma wasn’t the greatest movie, but it was a whole lot of fun. It’s a late 1980s-style film about women grasping for power in the workplace. Watch it and let me know if you start pressing your finger to your friends’ foreheads when you insult them. You’ll see what I mean after you watch it. Last but not least was the Ulrich Seidl’s Paradise: Hope. The movie is one of three in Seidl’s series; which can be watched out of order, thankfully, because it was the only one playing near me. It’s about girls at fat camp, and it’s an oddly flat movie. There’s nothing dizzyingly high or low about the film. It takes its time, and evokes life perfectly.