A blog about Elizabeth's healing journey through a squamous cell carcinoma diagnosis. Created for family, friends, and communities, and anyone else who finds it helpful.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Late Stage

I just want you to know I do not think of myself as a "dying person." You may call it dying, but I call it living -- until I am not. I am an accepting person. Today, I'm alive. Tomorrow, who's to say? I accept that. I accept the unknowing.

Yes, it's unfair that I have a stage IV cancer and am not yet 50. Yes, there are sighs of sadness (cf., Joni Mitchell, "River"), contractions of grief, glints of anger. But my life has been rich in experience, not to mention protected from war, violence, famine, natural disaster, preventable disease. I have love, children, family, friends, community, freedom, security. All in a general context of blessings. I try hard every day to accept things as they are. Sometimes I'm extra tired, or have to acknowledge another limit, or trip over the fact that this is actually happening. Yet, as my daughter floated across the stage as a party child ballerina in the Nutracker, I was able to enjoy it with pure delight. I smiled when my son proudly helped make the sets and played Rudolph in the neighborhood play. Hardly a drop of maudlin then, or during the other rituals of Christmas. Best of all, my muse seems to be coming out of hibernation, or at least poking her head out. One night recently as I was lying awake, a practically whole poem came into my head, like a moonlit pearl. I'll share it with you now:

Dear Elizabeth...this is so beautiful. I'm Harry, social worker & good friend of Sarah Montgomery...she shared your blog with me this week. I hope it's okay to share your writing with my friend, Matthew in NJ...his glioblastoma just came back and I know your writing will make a difference in his life. I'd actually love to share your blog with other friends and colleagues...do you mind Elizabeth? Wishing you, Louisa and your kids peace, joy and comfort...Harry

Harry, of course I remember you! And yes please do share with your friend Matthew -- peace and strength to him -- and any other friends and colleagues you like. That's why I made it a public blog, so share away. Thank you for taking the time to visit :)

Dear Elizabeth,Patients like you are my inspiration to continue my research. I feel such a sense of urgency in understanding the pathology and developing personalized medicine for you and all my patients from the past, present and future. Thank you for being my muse when I am awake at night thinking about my research data and projects. -Christine