The fifth series of Mad Men returned last night with its usual cocktail of sex, swagger and more sex. At offices all over the country, the show's fans are lingering, elated, at the coffee machine twirling a plastic stirrer dreamily and asking each other in satisfied, velvety tones: was it good for you too? But if you're one of the millions who don't have Sky Atlantic, here's how to survive the Mad Men talk.

1. Shut down conversation by claiming to have lost a relative on the Mad Men set. Say Jon Hamm just laughed as they died.

3. Spread rumours – use a voice of absolute authority – about why Betty was absent from the first two episodes: "I heard the network forced them to cut a story about her and Sally inventing the internet."

4. Insist that BBC1's The Syndicate is what all the cool kids are watching now. Tell everyone Sal was in The Syndicate. As Sal. Again, refuse to explain how this worked.

5. Tell people you went to school with Jessica Paré, who plays Megan Draper. If they point out she's Canadian, say: "She wasn't back then." If they persist, dismiss all facts with "classic Jessica".

6. Claim there's a deleted scene on YouTube where we find out Joan's a cyborg. Google it, sigh, and announce: "Looks like they've hushed it up."

7. Stick your fingers in your ears and yell "la-la-la-not- listening" from now until the DVD comes out.