Aries One of your exes used to wear wigs sometimes. It seems ridiculous, but it tricks your lizard brain into thinking “new female.” You’ve probably heard about the studies showing that your brain can’t really tell the difference between porn and reality, except for porn being better in every way except for the acting. It’s true. The magic parts of your brain light up just as if you were having sex with a real person, but the “you” part of your brain gets depressed right after you cum. Adorable Aries: Saoirse Ronan Taurus The only real freedom or privacy any of us have left is between our ears, and ewww–no thank you. That stuff doesn’t belong anywhere. You wish the police could actually go in there and clean it up, but it would have to be robot police, and even then, it would be embarrassing. But take heart. Everyone has… Read more

Just in case any of you might have forgotten: This isn’t just another one of those “horoscopes” that spews out vague platitudes that could apply to anyone. No no no. When you’re reading and start to think “gee whiz, this really seems to be about me,” that’s because it is. The stars know. I know. Your horoscope seems like it’s about all of those intimate details you shared with me in confidence because it is. You can’t have it both ways. You can either get cryptic gibberish, or a real, straight from the tea leaves/horse’s mouth/duck’s intestines horoscope. A lot of horses and ducks had to die for these horoscopes. Now that I think about it, the horses didn’t actually have to be killed, but rest assured, they’re all dead. We are very special apes. We’re the apes that laugh and cry, like chimps, baboons (technically monkeys), and gorillas.… Read more

Aries Most people are unaware that much of what they consider to be totally normal about themselves is actually not. Like you, for instance. Regularly forgetting how to spell words like “cat” and “dog” isn’t normal. And if you have the feeling that you may have suffered a concussion, or perhaps even several, you shouldn’t just shrug your shoulders and blow it off. There are medical techniques that could help you, and your lapses in judgment, black outs, and “memory holes” are putting others at risk. That you have a job and somehow manage to make it to work is a miracle. Take advantage of your health insurance. Famous Aries Event: The first space shuttle Columbia launched April 12, 1986 Taurus Whenever people think of you, they wonder why they ever put up with you in the first place. You’re one of those people who reads books about how… Read more

Aries It’s great that you feel less stressed out, but there’s a difference between resolving your problems and deciding to ignore them. Your sister is still waiting for you to post bail (she stopped calling because that myth about getting just one phone call is kind of true–you get one chance to make a bunch of calls after you’re first processed, then another chance in a week or so, then more chances and privileges as you learn the ropes). Your high blood pressure isn’t going to “decide to bother someone else” just because you refuse to give it attention. That works with girlfriends and puppies, but not with medical issues. Famous Rams: Kurt Warner, Ram 1500 Taurus The only reason you have any “friends” is because you’re too oblivious to get the hint that nobody likes you. Your employer and all of your coworkers didn’t just “forget” to tell… Read more

Aries You’ll finally bed your crush this weekend, and they sleep like a baby, which is to say that they piss and shit themselves and cry demanding to be picked up and soothed every 45 minutes. What a stupid expression. Famous Aryans: Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler Taurus Your symbol is officially being changed from a bull to a jackass. You were always full of bullshit, hence the bull, but lately, your toothy laughter and obnoxious braying is more reminiscent of the rightfully demeaned jackass. Famous Jackasses: Eeyore, Rocinante, Baba Looey Gemini Your actions and behaviors seem designed to create long-term problems for others, but that isn’t true at all. You just aren’t smart enough to think that far ahead. It’s closer to the truth to say that you’re just kind of cursed. Famous Twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley, Vin Diesel and Paul Sinclair, Amy Adams and Isla Fisher Cancer… Read more

Aries: “The truth will set you free” is just an expression. It doesn’t actually work in court. Famous Aries: Saoirse Ronan, Hitler, David Letterman Taurus: No matter how hard you work and successful you are, we all die disappointed and alone. Remember that before starting your next big project. Famous Taurus: Pol Pot, Jessica Alba Gemini: Every year you decide you’re finally going to change, and every year you’re wrong. Congratulations on finally giving up. Famous Geminis: Jeffrey Dahmer, Kanye West, Donald Trump Cancer: There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it: people have had enough of your nonsense and you should really just shut up and disappear for awhile. But on the brightside, this was a lot easier to say than I thought it’d be. Famous Cancers: Ariana Grande, Meryl Streep, Pancreatic Leo: After a lifetime of generosity and loyalty, you can’t… Read more

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