Divergent Paths

My brother married a Catholic and abandoned Judaism. I married a Jew and became observant.

The Torah describes various siblings and their relationships, and I am reminded about my own complicated relationship with my brother, my only sibling. Esav and Jacob, who had vastly different personalities, competed to receive their father's blessing. Joseph's brothers, out of jealousy, sold him into slavery. Miriam saved baby Moses’ life by floating him down the Nile, but later spoke negatively about him.

In reading these stories, I try to connect the words to my own life. Though many of the nuances are beyond me, I take comfort in the fact that even the greatest heroes struggled in their relationships, made mistakes, and learned from them.

Five years older than me and smart beyond his years, my brother has always been someone I looked up to and tried to emulate. He was student council president, so I also ran for office, sometimes winning, sometimes losing. He was valedictorian and went on to law school, succeeding all the while. I tried to live up to his greatness as he moved ahead in life and in his career.

When my brother married a smart, confident Catholic woman, no one protested. Why would we?

When it came time for marriage, no one had really discussed with us whether we should marry someone of the same religion. We grew up with Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, High Holiday services, Chanukah presents, matzah ball soup. But marry Jewish? We may have felt some unspoken desire from our parents, but it was never openly discussed, as I recall.

So when my brother married a smart, confident Catholic woman, no one protested. Why would we? They are in love and she makes him happy.

As my brother's journey continued, we would often have deep religious discussions. They were heartfelt and genuine – each of us searching in our own ways for meaning and inspiration. Our relationship seemed to grow stronger as we shared this search for meaning.

His story is complicated, but ultimately, he made the decision to take classes and "convert" to Catholicism. It was a secret for a while, but he no longer hides it. During the first few years, I tried to be a good sister. I babysat his children while he and his wife went to midnight Easter Mass. I participated in the baptism of his daughters. I tried to lovingly support him, wanting his happiness, yet silently aching inside.

My path took a much different route. My husband is Jewish and grew up around the block. After dating several non-Jews in college, marrying him was like coming home, literally. By accident, my husband and I discovered the richness of traditional Judaism. It started with a class and a Shabbat meal, and blossomed into more and more over the years. I didn't make a conscious, noble choice to marry Jewish. But in hindsight, it was the most important decision I ever made.

My brother and I still have our religious conversations – but they have turned into debates rather than a search for meaning, so we try to avoid these discussions. He has asked me to embrace his choice. But I think about all the Jews over the years who died in an effort to remain Jewish in countries around the world, who went underground to study Torah and observe Judaism, risking death and imprisonment. I think of the millions who died in the Holocaust, simply for being Jews. And I think about the Shema prayer rolling from their lips, the last words they would ever speak, before leaving this world. Why would people risk so much to remain Jewish? There are positive reasons that make Judaism worth fighting for, like our unique mission to be a moral light in the world and the profound wisdom Torah has to offer, but that is something I didn’t understand until more recently.

Ultimately, our choices came down to the way we experienced Judaism, and the people we met. My brother went to several Shabbat meals while in law school and found them to be a turnoff – he said he felt like an outsider, especially during some of the Hebrew prayers, like “benching” after the meal. No one explained the beauty and meaning of all these new things he was experiencing. For someone so intelligent and educated in other areas of his life, that must have been frustrating.

My encounters were much different. I felt included and welcomed, and the rituals were explained to me with patience and respect. I was drawn to their meaning and the values they conveyed when properly understood. In hindsight, I realize that made all the difference. It gave me the chance to discover all the positive reasons to be Jewish. I wanted to dig deeper, and it has continued to be a lifelong path of learning and growth. The key was finding positive people to learn from, and ultimately, a supportive Jewish community.

My brother didn’t learn enough about Judaism before giving it up.

Until recently, I didn’t acknowledge the pain my brother caused me by pulling away from Judaism. I want to respect his choices, but in reality, I feel like he didn’t learn enough about Judaism before giving it up. I have told him this, but what can he do now? He has agreed several times to take on a learning partner, but each time he ends the relationship after a few months. Oorah’s TorahMates program continues to send him care packages for the Jewish holidays, which he shows off to his family with excitement and pride.

We both recall our Reform Jewish upbringing with mixed memories, realizing it probably did not bring us closer to Judaism. Growing up we thought we knew what it meant to be Jewish, but I later discovered how wrong we were. Like many, we were left searching.

Our parents were doing what they could based on the education they received, and the temple that was in proximity to our home growing up. I appreciate all they did to raise us as Jews – I meet many secular Jews who experienced nothing Jewish growing up. But even a partial Jewish upbringing may not be enough to instill a sense of pride and understanding. Children should be exposed to Torah and the basics of what makes us Jews – including Shabbat and kosher, tzedakah and faith in God. Otherwise, as children grow up, they will try to fill in these gaps in other ways, as is the case with my brother and me.

It seems that my brother hasn’t encountered much, if any, resistance from family and friends over his decision to adopt another religion. I didn’t even question him until recently. My choice to become more observant, however, was met with hesitation and even some hostility in the beginning from family members – though least of all, from my brother. Looking back, it seems that in a twist of irony, it was his decision to leave Judaism that may have helped me to embrace my faith so fully.

There is an interesting cartoon that shows a young man wearing tefillin. The caption reads: “Why can’t you rebel like a normal teenager?” My rebellion came as an adult when I was already married with young children. Nonetheless, it was upsetting for our families. Divorce, drug addiction, alcoholism, Buddhism, even Catholicism – that they could tolerate. But Orthodox Judaism? That’s going too far.

To be fair, we could have gone about our transition in a more loving way. But I have learned that it is very common for Jewish family and friends to balk at these decisions to become more observant. It seems that non-Jews tend to admire the devotion, while it makes other Jews uncomfortable.

My husband and I have continued to grow and become more confident, to the point where there is no longer a reason to be divisive with our families. We are strongly rooted in our faith and practice, and our children seem to be reaping the benefits. In reality, we are honoring our parents with this faithful life we have created -- devoted to goodness, godliness and growth. It is my hope that they have a lot of nachas, pride, from us and their beautiful Jewish grandchildren.

Our kids sometimes ask about their relatives, trying to navigate who is Jewish and who is not. We were at my parents’ house after they had been cleaning out their garage. My children noticed a box in their foyer marked “Chanukah.” They asked excitedly, “You’re Jewish?” I wanted to jump into a hole and hide. But it is understandably confusing for them. Some of their family members are Jewish but don’t practice much, if any Judaism; their uncle was Jewish but converted; their aunts and cousins are not Jewish.

My brother and I chose two very divergent paths based on our Jewish education, or lack thereof.

I was given good advice recently by a role model in my community who has gone through similar issues. We should keep the focus on our family – not so much on what others do or don’t do, but rather on how we practice our religion. We remind our children that not everyone has the opportunity to learn about Torah. We must take what we do learn and use it for good – to observe the mitzvahs with joy, honor G-d, and treat others well.

My brother and I chose two very divergent paths based on our Jewish education, or lack thereof. His incomplete Jewish knowledge naturally led to intermarriage — and essentially his abandonment of Judaism and the Jewish people. That is difficult for me to fathom, but it is reality. I do wish he would have done more to fill the gaps in his Jewish education, and I still hope he will. But I can't push it on him.

My newfound knowledge of the depth and meaning of Judaism led my husband and me to lead active Jewish lives – giving our children the chance to understand their history and who they are. Ultimately, they will make their own choices, but it will be based on having the knowledge – both Jewish and secular – to navigate in this world as confident, proud and educated Jews.

The best we can do as parents is to give our children a quality Jewish education, live by example, and be proud of who we are as Jews. Being Jewish is very precious, and when experienced and practiced with love, brings light and goodness into the world.

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About the Author

Mindy Rubenstein is a freelance journalist living in Atlanta, GA, with her husband and children. She also owns Tree of Life!, a small business helping Jewish and non-profit organizations with writing, editing and design.

Visitor Comments: 31

(23)
Diane,
November 17, 2013 8:11 PM

I have seen this in my own family

Mindy,We were brought up Reform, basically because my dad liked everything in English. I didn't know we were Jewish until 2nd grade when I started going to the Reform Sunday school. My younger brother became bar mitzvah, but I and my baby sister didn't and went to confirmation class instead,Fast forward, during nursing school, on vacation, I started visiting and volunteering in Israel. So, a year after graduation, I made Aliyah. My brother (of blessed memory) was murdered by his Jewish wife (diagnosed schizophrenic). My sister fell for a guy in college and converted to Catholicism for marriage. No one in our family attended. By then, I was married and had a son and living in Israel. When her daughter was 6 months, my sister divorced (so no longer Catholic), but remarried a protestant who has never practiced anything but the holidays. My parents had hope for their granddaughter, my sister's daughter and took her to Israel on visits, attended Shabbat dinners, and Pesach seders. Last year, my niece married a very nice Jewish man under the chuppah. My sister and her husband didn't participate, In the meantime, my marriage in Israel was so abusive, I had to give up custody to receive my Get. My son and I have worked to maintain a relationship although, I left Israel. I am now married to a Jewish man in the US, and attended my son's wedding in Israel where he and my dil have given us two beautiful granddaughters. My dad wrote an email to my son about what I wen through and how proud my son and I have started the Israeli part of the family. Hopefully, my niece will have children brought up as Jews, but I did my part for extending Judaism to the next generation in Israel,I am glad you and your brother are still close, as my sister and I are not as much as I would have hoped,

(22)
Anonymous,
June 13, 2012 9:13 PM

Thank you

Thank you for this article because I am going through the same thing. Around the same time I became an observant Jew a year ago, my brother began to date an evangelical Christian and they both practice the religion together. It is incredibly hard for me at times. My siblings and I were raised conservative Jewish, so my other family members also support me but are saddened by my brother.

(21)
Keren,
January 17, 2012 5:30 PM

But their children may yet return

In the community of converts I find many who were grandchildren or great-grandchildren of Jews, often not even realizing it until after conversion. I believe myself to be one, but cannot prove it. The Jewish soul is strong and may well find its way back.

(20)
Dvirah,
January 6, 2012 1:16 PM

It Hurts

I think that it is harder for secular or Reform Jews to deal with family members becoming more observant because it touches their Jewish Soul, which then starts to squirm. Not a pleasant feeling for people who would suppress their Judaism.

(19)
Tomas,
January 5, 2012 8:34 PM

solace

Mindy, I don't know whether this can bring you any solace - but be aware that there also exists a person who did quite the opposite than your brother - who cast off Catholicism as something absolutely unacceptable years ago, and who later on lovingly embraced Judaism as a Noahide. I am speaking about myself.

seba,
October 11, 2012 1:09 PM

m2

You are talking about me too, lol

(18)
Esther Baila Weiss,
January 5, 2012 6:22 AM

Remember the marriage vows

Mindy, this story is not unique. It's so hard to handle this kind of situation. I have cousins that also married out of Judaism. If we alienate our relatives, we lose them, and they lose their connection to Judaism. If we keep them close, we give our children the impression that we approve of them marrying outside the faith. It has nothing to do with prejudice, but everything to do with keeping our fires burning. When we marry, we take our vows very seriously. Our vows are sacred. They are a bond that is very difficult to break, no matter whom they're spoken to. Think about the words spoken before G-d and other witnesses. They're holy. We have to respect them. Adding stress to someone's marriage, even if you don't intend on damaging the marriage, can do just that. Try to work within the bonds and bounds of the vows. Respect and protect all your family members as best as possible. The best of luck, Esther Baila

TE,
January 8, 2012 8:07 PM

Overlooking something

"The words spoken before G-d"...which are directly opposed to His will! "Our vows are sacred"...but intermarriage vows are not. I am not saying that a person should try to break up another's marriage, no matter who it is - that is a sensitive area, and whatever is done must be done under the supervision of a Rabbi competent in these matters. However, if a Jewish person has intermarried out of the Jewish faith, and the only way that they are able to keep the Torah is to divorce their spouse (for whatever the reason - they are against it, etc.), then yes, that is the appropriate action. It is very hard to "work within the bonds and bounds of the vows" when the very vows themselves are a huge problem...

(17)
David,
January 3, 2012 9:57 PM

Good to be a Jew

I'm not surprised people leave Judaism if they don't believe it's good to be a Jew, and certain events in history may lead some to think that it's not

(16)
Varda Eisikovich,
January 3, 2012 12:54 AM

Many Jewish people experience this in their family.

I could never turn away from my religion as I agree with
this story that throughout the Jewish history many Jews paid with their life and to turn away would be an insult. We owe it to all of the Jews who were killed just because they were Jews to practice our faith in Judaism and never to forget we are Jews.

(15)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2012 9:26 PM

No Guarantees

Thank you for your well written and thoughtful article. I just want to say that we have four children who were all brought up in an observant household with decent Jewish educations. Of the three who are married, two are married to non-Jews and the third, while married to a Jew, is anti-religious. My point is that a lovingly observant home and day school education are no guarantees of success!

Anonymous,
January 3, 2012 3:08 PM

"teach each according to his way"seesm the best advice

That's a tough one. I know a family with eight children and each child attends a different schoola all within an Orthodox framework, but with greatly differing views. Yitzhak and Rivka raised Eissav. Kings David's child Avshalom tried to kill him. The list goes on . Could they as parents have done better?I for certain can't say

(14)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2012 5:41 PM

The stakes are high

I disagree with the vast majority of the commenters so far. They treat religious choices as autonomous, selfish, and inconsequential to themselves and others. Not so! The Jewish people (the Israelites, more precisely) had a cosmic rendezvous with the Creator of the universe at Mount Sinai more than 3000 years ago, and agreed to be bound in an eternal Covenant with the Creator as a condition for our redemption from slavery in Egypt. We have no choice. It is tragic that so many of our people do not understand the depth and beauty of Judaism. Nevertheless, we are solemnly obliged to reach out, over and over, and bring those of our people who are straying back to the flock. Intermarriage and out-conversion are not OK.

(13)
unlisted,
January 2, 2012 5:22 PM

You don't live a Jewish life because of those who died!

You cannot guilt-trip someone into practicing Judaism. Why should you? That's the stupidest reason of all. True Judaism (Torah Judaism) is the most beautiful path to Hashem and way of life for a Jew. Any other path is bogus and will never truly satisfy someone's Jewish neshama, even if he or she "converts" (which a Jew can never do, even if going through another religion's conversion process). Sadly they don't teach true Judaism in Reform or Conservative or other non-Torah "Hebrew Schools," and those families can't role-model it, as well, as pointed out in this essay. Therefore you end up with Jews getting turned off to Judaism, instead of turned on.

(12)
Andy,
January 2, 2012 5:09 PM

Seems you had positive exposure to Jewish outreach programs and your brother did not

How important it is for all Jewish readers on this site to take their role as teachers seriously.However much or little one knows or practices, the way one expresses it has enormous repercussions for all humankind. According to Rabbi Ashlag, Rabbi Hillel is to be taken literally when he told the pagan who demanded to know all of Torah while standing on one foot : "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn." Go and learn. As the sages repeat, learning and living Torah is the path to grow oneself to be able to live on a level where loving your neighbor as yourself is attainable. I was taught that the Jewish view is that righteous of all nations have a share in the world to come.
It's ironic but based on a lecture by Rabbi Motty Berger I believe that according to Orthodox Jewry your brother is still considered Jewish but as a convert to Catholicism the Reform movement would not consider him Jewish.

(11)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2012 4:46 PM

All things come from Hashem....let this to be for the good.
Gamzu la tova

(10)
Sam's Mom,
January 2, 2012 8:52 AM

Not necessarily

I have posted here a few times about intermarriage. I am Catholic; my husband is Jewish. When we married, my husband had no Jewish education, no Jewish affiliation. Then our son was born. When my son turned 5, I found the brand new Kollel in our area and signed our son up. He is their first member. Through this wonderful kollel and the outreach Rabbis, my husband has found his way back to Judaism. My husband and our son attend services every Saturday at our Kollel. I occasionally attend with them. Our son is 14 and will be converting to Judaism. He very much wants to attend Yeshiva in Israel during before going to university.
Even though the author's brother chose to convert after his intermarriage, there are some of us non-Jewish wives that want to preserve and increase the Jewish nation. We were only able to have one child, but I am proud that his journey with G-d will be the Jewish path. It fits him so well.
I know my case may be unusual. I have been asked before if I perhaps have the desire to convert myself. I do not. What I find most sad about this article is that tauthor'sr's brother and his wife did not discuss religion before they were married. Who married this couple? I know it wasn't a Rabbi.

Mindy's Brother,
January 18, 2012 4:43 AM

Clarification

We did discuss religion before we married. In fact, we discussed religion the first night we met. I was on the path to becoming Catholic before I met her, and picking a religion for our kids never was an issue. We were married by a judge, and we convalidated the marriage in the Catholic Church (making it sacramental) a year later.

(9)
Abby,
January 2, 2012 4:04 AM

You are a mentsch!

I really applaud your efforts to maintain a relationship with your brother. Rather than condemning him, or worse, refusing to speak to him, your approach the situation in a rational and thoughtful manner. You see first to understand. You are also setting a good example for your children by demonstrating respect and understanding. By keeping communication open, as challenging and painful as it may sometimes be, you keep the door open, ever so slightly, for his possible return. Life is strange and can take us on all sorts of unexpected twists and turns.

(8)
Dr Slobodan Lang,
January 1, 2012 6:37 PM

PostHolocaust

Jews in world now, live in a state of Izrael, as a powerfull minority in U. S. and as small minorities world over. In Europe there is also a buried nation, killed during The Holocaust (from the Greek "whole" "burnt"), also known as the Shoah (Hebrew"catastrophe"). Form the whole people have been killed, and only individuals stayed. Our experriences are on one hand radically different, and yet we belong together. To the large extent is is a message to the world in future, from individual to global, from catastrophy to success. We should share our experriences, for the benefit of all.
In my case I come from a known Jewish family,from which all but my father were killed. He married a wonderfull Catholic woman. I participated in the war in the Balkans during the 1990ies and beacame known. I beleive that today I am the best known Jewish war participant in Europe . I have participated in creation of a country, that just started on its way. I love this country. I used Jewis experrience to help these people, and to chose themselves, to learn freedom and so much beauty and wise in Judaism that is universal. I am not converting them, but trying to help them understand their own roots. I don’t limit love to my children, but to give a gift of Jewish values and experrience to all, for a better everybody and everyone.

(7)
sunny abarbanell,
January 1, 2012 6:13 PM

a choice not to betray but to uphold

Exactly what I have felt, was to choose to be Jewish and meet someone that was Jewish or it would betray the memory of millions who died just because they were Jewish. I could not betray their memories, nor the memories of my grandparents and parents who lived in peace and pride of being special, as Jews. Even today, at the age of 70, I found another Jewish man whom we share many cultural and religious values. We are blessed.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2012 5:35 PM

Your brother and you seems to both be happy where you are at. We form our own individual lives after moving away from mom and dad's house. The only time our lives comes together are those family gatherings that brings us altogether. They can be tricky, some things you have to shut off or on to keep it level and in respect to other family members or those who married into the family feeling comfortable and accepted. Glad you brought up that within a family, we do deal with this, and the varied ways we have to get in a frame of mind to be interested in those that walk a different path, at those family gatherings. What we learn within the family, can be used in our lives out in the world. We don't live cloistered lives, daily we are surrounded by people of all sorts. I always have so many people who want to talk religion with me. They try to start the conversation off, after that it's up to me whether the conversation keeps rolling. When my sister-n-law talks about what is going on in her church or talks about her work she is doing there, I listen with genuine interest and let her talk. Deeper topics, can let it fizzle out and not take part in keeping the conversation rolling. There are some common factors we deal with in any religious org. We don't have to partake in everything that is being offered in the religious org. There are some programs that we can sit out on, we don't have to get involved. You can have a disagreement with someone within the org. This can happen no matter where you are at. Finding the common ground, and thinking of the other person talking, and making them not feel alone in what they are going through, can unite us. It also can spark an interest, like your brother who is finally looking into Judaism with some interest....finally.

(5)
A friend,
January 1, 2012 5:01 PM

We know the problem, where is answer...

Coming from a college students perspective, I see my fellow college students who grew up on the same path. Although they celebrated the high holidays and their bar or bat mitzvahs, they never understood or realized the true beauty of Judaism growing up. For them, marrying Jewish is not a big deal. So how are you suppose to show them the "light"? I am modern orthodox Jew who sees the beauty of Judaism and the goodness is provides mankind, but how am I suppose to show it to other Jews, especially the ones that come from intermarriage and are confused about what Judaism has to offer. This is especially frustrating when you are talking with someone who thinks that they can uphold the same traditions and practice of the Torah even if they marry outside of Judaism. Any advice?

Marc,
January 4, 2012 1:01 AM

Be the light

Share with them the beauty of Judaism in a non judgmental way, that's how.
Invite them to a FUN and joyous shabbat, help throw a party for Purim or Chanukah that shows you can have a fun time and not get falling down drunk (like most frat parties).
SHOW them how Judaism, and just learning a little more about it each week, makes your life better.
Remember, Judaism is hard, Hebrew is hard and you probably have TONS more background than them. But by showing them that mitzvahs are a gift, that Shabbat is a gift not a yoke, and without the "if you're not shamer shabbos, why bother" attitude you might open their eyes.
Good luck.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2012 3:22 PM

intermarriage

I have posted before on other articles on intermarriage. My family was similar to the author's-- I intermarried and my brother converted to Christianity. I discovered a love for Judaism later and fortunately my husband agreed to raise our children as Jews. I tell my children that although I married a wonderful man, we both admit that negotiating religion in the home was difficult, and neither of us endorses intermarriage in general. One factor in the negotiation was that my religion meant more to me than my husband's did to him. He was gracious enough to give me that and I am grateful, however, he did feel the loss of his holidays and that made me sad for him. I suspect that this is a similar situation with the author's brother's family. If someone tried to get my husband to change his mind, it would literally divide us. Intruding on the author's husband's decision may seriously affect his family life.
Growing up, I felt very much like the author's brother- alienated from a culture I was not prepared to appreciate. In addition to Jewish education, I would add being better prepared for making the big choices in life such as marriage. Intermarriage inevitably throws a couple into negotiating some difficult and often incompatible choices.

(3)
Karen,
January 1, 2012 2:20 PM

Family Support

As I read this article, I felt that the author was trying to PRESSURE her brother to give up his new found religion even if that meant a rift with his family. How sad! It strikes me as just plain wrong for parents to force children to choose religion because their parents are unable to. Children usually feel they are choosing between parents not between religions. The author's brother and wife have made their decision - so their children do not have to. The author is trying to reverse a decision that is really not hers to reverse and would only cause her brother's children harm at this point.
I can understand her frustration that her brother did not see the beauty of Judiasm when he had the chance but it is probably too late at this point so why cause a rift between her and her brother?
I thank G_d that when I converted to Judiasm, my step-father, a Lutheran minister who was well learned in the beauty of Christianity, did not use his knowledge to try to pressure me into staying a Christian or returning to Christianity. Instead he used his knowledge to encourage me to see the beauty of Judiasm - which I unfortunately did not see from conversion class. It is hard converting to another religion, music is foreign, services are foreign, holidays are foreign, traditions are foreign. If your family of origin does not support you, it can be extremely lonely.

eva,
January 1, 2012 7:28 PM

It's never too late.

It is never too late to return to Hashem. As it says in the Rosh Hashana liturgy: He waits for our return until our last day, and when we return to Him, He immediately accepts us.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 1, 2012 2:06 PM

me too

i have a similar story except my brother married a catholic and they chose not to acknowledge any religion. he claims to have read about judaism but has not. it is interesting that your brother converted so he is craving some religion my brother is an "atheist". I can go on and on about the differences and similarities. thank you for sharing your story it is nice to know someone understands the struggles and the immense gifts we have been given being baal tsuva.

(1)
John Smith,
January 1, 2012 12:55 AM

The fact that you married a Jew and became observant is yet another blow to the idea that intermarriage is always wrong.

Alan S.,
January 1, 2012 1:10 PM

Mr. Smith, I'm sorry to say that your comment does not make sense. Unless I misread this article, the author was born Jewish and married Jewish. Intermarriage did not play a role in her equation. In addition, her becoming more observant has little to do with providing "another blow to the idea that intermarriage is always wrong".

fay,
January 1, 2012 4:52 PM

How can intermarriage be right?

Where does this story provide a "blow to the idea that intermarriage is always wrong?" Just because her brother converted doesn't make intermarriage right! Our nation is tiny - intermarriage shrinks it further. By marrying a Catholic, he ensured that his children will not be Jewish.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...