*shocked face* omg i cant believe you stopped right there you have to hurry and update please i need to know more this is such a great plot and i cant wait to see where you take the story 10/10 please add another chapter soon ;)

This is a great beginning. Got a little confused in some areas and had to re-read them a few times but other than that very good.
Sorry but what do you mean by sires? Does it mean who she was bitten by? Hermione was bitten by Shy so that makes him a boy-friend? Husband? Father???
Im confused.

I suggest that you have new lines for each speaker and use " " the ' are honestly confusing me lol sorry.
Try not to use slang. I know it's hard not to when you've gotten yourself use to speaking it...but think about what some reads would say...what the hell.i dont get it.

Use proper grammar and spelling for your future chapters... such as capitals and full stops n commas in the right places.

I betcha the chapters in future will be really Good seeming this one was fantastic 8/10 from me ^^

p.s. Sorry if i sound mean im just offering advice.

Author's Response: thank you for the critisism
it wasn't mean, it was rather helpful
i do tend to use slang in my writing and im working on it