New Times / Shredder

The following article was posted on October 16th, 2013, in the New Times - Volume 28, Issue 12 [ Submit a Story ]

The following articles were printed from New Times [newtimesslo.com] - Volume 28, Issue 12

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Redneck bunny hop

Planning a wedding, retirement party, bar mitzvah, bat mitzvah, holiday fete, birthday celebration, gala, seminar, conference, or funeral? Looking to rent a space that’s shabby chic—emphasis on the shabby, nonexistent on the chic? For the low, low price of $125,000 per day you and your lucky guests can rent out my grandparents’ basement! And the neighbors totally don’t mind if you go next door to use their bathroom, so long as you’re really quiet and don’t tell them you’re using it. Amazing deal, right?

To be honest, I worry that I’m underselling the space. So, to make sure I was being reasonable, I researched what it costs to rent out the Vatican; the Taj Mahal; the Eiffel Tower; and that really weird, curved building in Australia—the one that kinda looks like it’s sporting a bunch of shark fins. I also considered that tilting tower in Italy, and then I realized no one wants to rent a building that could fall over at any moment. And I settled on a comparable price.

I took my cue from the city of Atascadero, which recently revealed that it will be renting out its own city hall for private events to the tune of $5,500 per day for non-residents. Residents will have the opportunity to host their shindig there for the drastic-reduction deal of $5,000 per day. And if you’re scratching your head over how the city came up with those prices, allow me to tell you: They actually took a very rational approach to the task by perusing comparable venues. Apparently, however, city staff either stuffed themselves full of happy brownies or became the most delusional people on the planet when it came time to choose said “comparable venues.” I say this because the town whose crown jewel is a fetid lake they can’t keep stocked with water during the summer probably shouldn’t compare its city hall to Hearst Castle, San Francisco City Hall, Pasadena City Hall, or a mansion on an estate in Beverly Hills. If it were me, I’d be thinking more along the lines of the local Piggly Wiggly, the winery formerly owned by that homophobe who blew his fortune alienating the Central Coast, or the nearest bowling alley.

And if those comparisons have you feeling a little defensive—as they probably should—consider the fact that I threw those out off the top of my head and at no public expense, whereas the city of Atascadero poured money and time into its list. I’m not picking on Atascadero for being Atascadero. I’m picking on Atascadero for throwing on a pair of skinny jeans and pretending to be San Francisco. But the barbecue stains on their v-neck T-shirt gave them away. Well, the barbecue stains and the fact that they’re still Atascadero. Also: I heard they cleaned four Dumpsters’ worth of pigeon crap out of the rotunda while they were sprucing it up in advance of anticipated wedding receptions.

Of course, I love a good case of shared psychotic disorder as much as the next broke, syphilitic gossip columnist. Which is why I’m prepping my Tivo for the electoral race for District 4 supervisor. You can imagine my excitement, especially given the fact that I didn’t even know there was going to be a race. We’ve waited for months for Gov. Jerry Brown—rabble, rabble, filthy liberal—to name late Supervisor Paul Teixeira’s replacement, and former Arroyo Grande councilwoman Caren Ray—rabble, rabble, filthy liberal—was sworn in at a Board of Supervisors meeting on Oct. 8, so I figured we could all sit back and get high on pumpkin fumes for the next couple of weeks, if not months.

We don’t have to worry about a lone supervisor holding back legislation on the grounds that she doesn’t understand it—in the future, can we try to limit our legislation to single-syllable words and exclude numbers? Debbie Arnold would really appreciate it, thanks—and we can all stop speculating and get down to the really important question at hand: Is Supervisor Adam Hill going to dress up as radio bully Dave Congalton or an Elvis mummy for Halloween?

But before we could start stocking up on toilet paper in bulk at Costco—y’know, in case Adam goes with the mummy option—the Apple Dumplin’ Gang (COLAB’s Mike Brown, Debbie, the other Debbie, and their Agenda 21 minions) struck. Rabble, rabble, filthy liberal Caren Ray couldn’t possibly represent her district on account of the fact that the entire district is comprised of rednecks like the Apple Dumplin’ Gang. Arroyo Grande, where Ray served on the city council for three years, doesn’t count, despite the fact that it has the largest population in District 4. Why doesn’t it count? Because rabble, rabble, filthy liberal.

Long story short, Nipomo resident Lynn Compton, whose political track record consists of owning Valley Farm Supply, announced that she would be running for District 4 supervisor—presumably against Ray, who hasn’t yet announced whether she’ll be a candidate. Considering the fact that this announcement was made less than a week after Ray was sworn in as supervisor, the Apple Dumplin’ Gang doesn’t have much in the way of rational complaints against rabble, rabble filthy liberal Ray based on her actions or voting record so they pretty much stuck to the generic rabble, rabble, filthy liberal line, which is actually kinda catchy once you get past the fact that it makes no logical sense.

Of course, Arnold was there to support Compton’s campaign, and my guess is she’d be thrilled to have someone else who doesn’t understand the legislation she’s supposed to vote on sitting next to her at Board of Supervisors meetings.