Worried about 14yo daughter

Have just joined on here as not sure where to turn next for my daughter. I have twins- chalk and cheese doesn't even come close! Have appointment in school re my youngest in the morning - she was ill all last week and the same before Christmas- feeling sick, off her food, lethargic etc. For this and all sorts of reasons I am really worried about her - this is an ongoing problem coupled with tantrums ( throwing things, swearing, hating everyone and everything...)not wanting to do anything... refusing to get dressed, go to bed/get up ... Last year her behaviour in school was not good - this has improved this year hugely but it has affected the classes she has been put in for GCSE.She takes no interest in anything apart from TV- has given up any activities over the years, she hardly ever sees her friends out of school in the last few months and I cannot find anything she is willing to do... we will sometimes plan something she seems interested in- a cinema trip etc but then she will refuse to go. Her behaviour is often unreasonable and unpredictable..she hates school ... I have approached the school on a number of occasions since she was in year 7 ( when she was self harming) and although she saw the school counsellor a couple of times she has not been allowed to since year 8 as "she is not bad enough"We have recently been through a lot of upheaval as I separated from my husband of 7 years last Christmas (very quickly) when he became violent with her. When I asked for help in school following this she was told as my husband had moved out she did not need the counsellor ( again "not bad enough"?) I have also been to the GP on a number of occasions since she has been in year 7- most recently in October- when the GP she saw thought she needed a psychiatric referral- when I rang to see what was happening with this they have arranged another GP appointment- we are going tomorrow evening- I have asked to see a different GP in the practice though... She did see someone from childrens services last year but as she wouldn't talk in the session she had they said they couldn't help her.She seems worse around the time of her period ( these last about 10 days- she sometimes faints and has really bad pains) - when I asked about the possibility of medication for this I was told this was not an optionI really am at the end of my tether and feeling very alone- her father is simply not interested - just hoping someone can reassure me that it's not just me or even suggest some ways to help? All this is also having an effect on her sister and I feel like we are just in a downward spiral. Sorry to go on

Hi talicat, sorry you are having a hard time. You definitely aren't alone - there are lots of parents here struggling with teens who are struggling, trying to work out what to do for the best, and feeling powerless.

It sounds like your daughter might have a few different things going on - physical ones and emotional ones. You might find it hard to disentangle everything.

Physically - It is most likely to be hormones, given her age. But also, just in case, ask the GP to check her for anaemia and vitamin D deficiency. I am just recovering from those myself, and the symptoms were very similar (feeling sick, off food, lethargic, losing interest in things/feeling down - I had other symptoms too). It is quite common with teenage girls, esp if they have heavy periods and/or don't eat a balanced and varied diet. When the blood test results come back look at her Ferritin and vit D levels - the 'normal' range will be shown next to the result - and even if she is not 'officially' below the normal range (and so anaemic and/or vitamin D deficient), if she is low/towards the bottom end of the ranges, get her some iron and/or vit D supplements. I have been on them for nearly 2 months now and feel much better: frankly I can't believe how bad I felt for such a 'simple' reason and how easily-fixed it has been. So it's worth checking for your DD.

Emotionally - it can be very hard to get emotional or psychological help for teenagers. Partly that's because there is a shortage of services. Partly it's because (as you have already discovered) no-one will see her if she is unwilling - there is (rightly but sometimes frustratingly) no 'compulsory counselling'. However, you can keep trying. When you go back to your GP, ask for a referral for counselling. Ask for it for yourself too, because you probably need it, and it will help you support your DDs better as well. Your GP should refer you without any problem, but it might be harder to get a referral for your daughter. (Why do you want to see another GP today, BTW?) If you can't get an NHS/CAMHS referral, then you could consider getting her private counselling or looking for a children's charity that provides it (there are a few around - Google the name of your town plus 'children's counselling').

There's a lot more I could say about support for you - which is absolutely crucial if you are alone and struggling with a 'troubled teen' - but that's a whole other thread! Keep coming back here though, because even if you are very alone in 'real life', you won't be here, and you can get lots of support.

Hi flow4- thanks for your response and for being so welcoming to the forum. I will definitely ask them about a blood test and thanks for all the constructive advice. We have appointment this evening. With the GP - I didn't explain that very well in the original post looking back at it- the GP that said she thought she should be referred was a locum and that was fine.. our named GP is the one who was initially unhelpful and patronising ( he explained how odd and unusual (?) he thought it was that me and my daughter had different surnames and how it would be confusing! ) because the locum has now moved on we were told last week that I would have to see the named GP again- so that is why I asked to see another GP in the practice. ( If that makes sense!)Thanks again.

I second the iron and vitamin supplements. Also, sounds like she could be trying to hide social anxiety, feeling ill so she doesn't have to go to school. Social anxiety can be crippling and bewildering, and feels very shameful to admit to. Is she still self harming? Her father was violent towards her recently, how was he when she was younger? Have you tried to look for counselling elsewhere? Maybe try Mind?

Thanks for all your responses- our visit to the GP yesterday was much more productive. She apologised for the issues we had had and showed me the correspondence regarding request for referral- she has asked for our permission to contact the Local Health Board to query again why the request to psychiatric services has been turned down and to make a complaint as a practice as she feels that she should be seen - in the interim she will see us fortnightly to see how DD is doing. DD opened up a bit more so we have fingers very firmly crossed, she thought supplements were certainly worth a try. Overall feeling much more positive for the first time in ages. Thanks all again x

I was like this. All related to my periods. Turns out I have pcos and endometriosis and going on the pill helped somewhat. Don't just let her go on any pill though some could do much more harm than good. I forget the exact names but a search on here should bring up what's ok. Yasmin is a good one but difficult to get now I've heard.

For the pain what the gp will give is mefanamic acid, which did nothing for me at that age as you have to start taking it before any pain comes on and as things can be quite erratic during the teen years you don't always know when due.

Over the counter you can get feminax ultra (blue packet) this contains the painkiller naproxen and sometimes helps me