The Many Explosions of Michael Bay: An Infographic

It’s a well known fact that Michael Bay signs off all email correspondence and voicemail messages with (*explosion sound*). He won the love of his first girlfriend when he buried 34 sticks of dynamite in the shape of a heart under her lawn outside her bedroom window (killing a two cats and a racoon in the process). Point being, everyone knows Michael Bay loves explosions. Michael Bay and explosions are the Bogart and Bacall of our times. And now, much like my Steven Seagal word cloud, Frankenspace.com has created some graphs tracking Michael Bay’s love of explosions chronologically through his movies.

As you can see, Michael’s love affair with the flaming orb began early, and grew steadily until 2001’s Pearl Harbor, which had the most explosions of any Bay film to date. Sadly, it turned out to be a critical and commercial disappointment. The post-Pearl Harbor period was a time of great sadness. Like all men of great passion, Michael Bay’s larger-than-life persona and hair like a unicorn’s mane masked a sensitive soul, with emotional skin as delicate as a newborn marsupial. He retreated into fast-talking black cops and voluptuous future-ladies, but everyone knew it was only a rebound. Big boobs and black sass were always destined to be a side-piece, never a special lady. By 2007, his wounds had healed and he was ready to love again. But they eventually brought him back to health, like the sparrow fallen from its mother’s nest, and he learned to fly again. And ever since, it’s been a rising tide of explosions and box office grosses the likes of which have never been seen. Where can he go from here? How long can it last? Can explosions and box office grosses continue to climb exponentially? One thing is for certain. Some day he’ll flame out, like the white-hot corona of a massive supernova. And when he does, it will be glorious.

Does that guy in the black shirt have his arm around Bay? I’ll be damned. It’s like an explosion of homo eroticism. Could this be a clue to Bay’s next project? The Crying Game 2: Fatal Explosion? Boys Don’t Cry 2: Blast from the Past? Hewdig Returns: The Explodey Destruction of Everything in the Universe?

I’m less worried about Al Qaeda getting their hands on a nuke than I am about Michael Bay finding one.