Thursday, December 03, 2009

unabashed

As I held Gavin last night, and lifted him through the air as Dad made noises at him, he got so excited that he began to squeal hysterically and laugh harder than we’ve ever heard. He just kept going and going. As stupid and cliché as it sounds (and I would dismiss it if I heard someone else say it as cheese), I could feel open wounds meld over and soften. A temporary balm, but one that is more effective than I could have ever dreamed. To be able to have a moment where my pain doesn’t matter at all. Where my happiness doesn’t matter at all. Where no part of me matters or has any importance in the slightest is beautiful. All that matters is that little boy. The joy of hearing his laugh one more time, seeing him give his foolish grin, feeling him safe and warm as he sleeps in your arms, keeping him safe, doing everything possible to make his world better than my own. What does any part of me measure up to the magnitude of his existence? I’ve never thought of the uncle/nephew relationship as anything overtly special. And a lot of the time, I don’t really think it is from what I have seen. And, I know I am living vicariously through my brother and this little man, and I am carefully watching that emotion so that it doesn’t move to places that could damage. I’m still riding that peaceful high this morning, and it is beautiful to be able to rest a little for the moment. There are other things that have been weighing on me, that I wanted to dispel from me this morning, things I’ve noticed about other people who have been in my situation and what has transpired in their lives that I worry about. However, they can wait. For now, I want to just take solace in the moments I can grasp. I will relish what is here and claming now.