Respecting the culture and doing the right thing

Most of the time, respecting the culture and doing the right thing are one and the same. Other times, it’s not so clear. As a foreigner, it’s hard to always know if you’re doing the right thing and if the way you’ve lived you life up until now counts in the same way it did back home.

Respecting the culture and doing the right thing

There are an incredible amount of things I’m fascinating by in life. One of these things is human behavior. People never cease to amaze me, in both good ways and bad. We can learn so much from each other and I find it super interesting to see how people react to different situations and why. In fact, I used to love the show “What would you do?” with John Quinones and wrote about getting involved in things… or not.

So a little about me:

I’ve always been one to stand up for what I believe in. Meek is not a word anyone who knows me well would use to describe me. But after moving to France even 6 years in, I sometimes question if what I’m doing is right. In everyday situations, I mean. Simple, normal stuff like waiting in line, asking for a favor, letting seemingly legit people into my yard, baking for the neighbors, etc.

If something doesn’t sit right with you, sends up red flags, or makes you question your ethics, should you speak up? Do you? It’s my natural inclination to speak up, put someone in their place, and not let someone behaving badly get the last word.

I should add that this hasn’t always worked out well for me. Sometimes I should learn to zip my lip and mind my own business. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to majorly chill out, especially when something isn’t that serious and doesn’t concern me. But I’ll always fight for the little guy, and if I see something that doesn’t look right, I’m going to try to help. We owe that to our fellow humans. I admire others with a backbone.

I don’t think living abroad has changed this part of who I am. I’m still a person who stands up for what she believes in and I have no problem speaking up. I’m certainly still not meek.

But from the outside looking in, someone observing me might think I’ve turned into a slightly more submissive version of who I once was. In reality, that’s not the case at all. I’m still me. It’s just that now, I second-guess myself much more than I used to back in the USA.

I often wonder if it’s my place to speak up and assert myself in France, like I would at home. I stay silent. I observe. And most importantly, I listen.

Living abroad can make you question your own moral compass and what you think is normal. In a new culture that often feels foreign, you don’t want to act inappropriately, step out of line, or make a faux pas. Respecting the culture in the big moments is easy, but the smaller ones that make you question what’s normal? Well, that’s trickier.

We’re all shaped by our experiences, how we grew up, the people with whom we surround ourselves, our own moral compass, and specific personality traits. They come with us no matter where we live and what we see.

I think many of the same things we’d raise an eyebrow at in the USA raise that same eyebrow in France. Across the board, you can be sure people are going to speak up in cases of abuse and violence. But in other areas of the world, norms are very different.

Long story short, you have to sign up in advance for cycling class because there are a limited number of bikes. Then, on the day of class, the cycling studio opens its doors 15 minutes before class starts. A bunch of the regulars form a line in front of the door about 20-25 minutes before class so we can get one of the newer bikes, or our regular spot.

So on the day of class, I show up 25 minute early and was 4th in line outside the studio. But then other people started coming, and instead of filing into a nice single file line, they started crowding the door.

When the door opened, a woman who arrived after me pushed ahead and ended up taking the last bike in the front row (my normal bike). This made it impossible for me to sit next to my friend, where I’ve sat every Tuesday night for the past 2+ years.

I did exactly what I would have done in the USA without hesitation. I politely explained to the woman that I had arrived in line before her. So logically, I should be able to choose my bike before her. I gently pointed out that she had cut in font of me and took the bike I always use. She muttered something and moved to another bike. I said thanks. And smiled. She did not.

Now this isn’t a serious story, I know — who cares about the bike in the grand scheme of things — but it’s the principle of the matter that I wanted clarification on.

Not wanting to step on anyone’s toes and always trying to be respectful of French norms, I asked my wise French friend who witnessed the whole thing if I had misunderstood.

Was the line concept was different in France? I explained that in the USA, my reaction would have been normal but maybe line etiquette is different here. She laughed and said I was completely in the right to have asserted myself. In this case, it’s a question of the woman being a personne mal élevée (bad manners), she said. Ouch!

So no, it’s not normal to bum-rush the line in France! If it had been, I would have absolutely apologized to the woman.

Again, this is not a very serious example. It’s just one in recent memory where I’ve questioned if speaking up in an everyday situation was the right thing to do.

How much power do you give your instincts when you’re in a place that’s not your own?

When it’s something serious like abuse, my instincts win every time. If I see a kid or animal in trouble, I help.

I think most people are the same way.

But what about when a culture is nonchalant about something you’re fundamentally against? Here’s a quick example about animal abuse.

I remember a friend traveling to Egypt for work and being horrified at how the camels were being treated at a popular camel ride tourist attraction. She called me in tears after her futile attempts to get the owners to stop severely abusing the poor camels in broad daylight for all to see. Maybe harsher treatment of animals is the norm in Egypt, but it didn’t sit right with her American, animal-loving sensibilities. How could it?

She spoke up without hesitation, was ignored, and left in tears, vowing to never return. She did the right thing by speaking up, in my opinion, although it changed nothing and was laughed at by the locals. They couldn’t understand why she was so upset over camels.

Unlike my friend, my moments of uncertainty abroad have thankfully been way less distressing. But they’ve still made me think and question myself.

If someone is acting out of line in public, we speak up or call the police. But sometimes a situation is more subtle and way less serious. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my moments of uncertainty in France have been quite banal, like the example from my cycling class story above.

It’s in these little moments of being unsure that we learn the most.

I still act like myself and am glad life in France hasn’t erased the parts of me that I like the best.

***

Has your life abroad made you question things you see and do? Do respecting the culture and doing the right thing often coincide in your experience?

Comments

You are 100% right to speak up. Les malélevés count on silence by the people they perturb. I have the malchance to know one of these too well; she calls everybody “cons” and considers that she should always cut lines, cut off drivers, short-change people. And the fact that they don’t protest just proves that she’s right, she says. So speak up. Absolutely. BTW, I have a couple of French friends, for whom I’m their only non-French link (so no cross-cultural contamination), who are never doormats when their rights are stomped on. The chick at the gym? My French friend would have sent her home crying. This is one of those things that isn’t so different between the U.S. and France. The question of how you deal with it depends on how much conflict you can stomach. Me, not so much. My French friend? A ton.

Yes, many times I can default to my US behavior in everyday situations in France, but not always. Small talk is different, for example. And as I said in the post, it’s in the little moments that I question myself.

I have no problem with conflict when it’s warranted but these days I steer clear of anything that could blow up. Especially in the USA where guns are commonplace! Thanks for sharing your experience. 😉

I totally agree with you about your French Friends, same here. My French husband goes hardcore on rude people. Rude and narcissistic people are in every country. And yes speak up for yourself! Checking someone or putting them in there place beacuse they where rude to you, I feel has nothing to due with the culture. It more so of the values that were taught to that individuel. My mama always said to me, « Pick your battles ».

Hi Rachael, I know this was in response to Catherine but yup, I’m with you about speaking up. Most of the time it’s what I do if I think someone is trying to pull a fast one. If we say nothing, we normalize bad behavior and that’s never good.

In some cases, the culture dictates if we should keep our mouth shut and is less about our values, in my opinion. This next story is kind of in the same vein as the camel abuse example. An American friend’s dad was at a very important business meeting with some Chinese associates at a high-end restaurant in China. At one point, a live monkey was brought to the table and well, I’ll spare you the details, but it would have been majorly out of line if he flipped out, started protesting animal rights, and stormed out of the restaurant. In that culture, eating live monkey brains was 100% A-OK so if he protested, they would have blown the business deal. When in Rome, I guess. If it had been in the USA, things would have been different.

I so hear you on this! German is a notorious culture for following rules and if you don’t, people will tell you. I love your attitude about it, though. Some things you just can’t let slide! Jessica @ http://www.roomforgelato.com

Exactly, because that’s reinforcing the bad behavior. Yes, in my example it was only a silly bike, but if I let her take my bike, the next time she’s going to cut the line again and on it goes. Now she learned she needs to wait her turn 🙂

Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make us feel big. I’m so proud of you for speaking up because GOOD FOR YOU! The other day on the tram people were not moving in to let others on and I yelled from the platform that there was plenty of space in the aisles. I pushed on and got so many death stares but kind of just let them pass me by. Such an odd place we live in sometimes… 🙂

This is a very interesting question. I’d need to reflect on it more to come up with a good answer. I can tell you though that I’m regularly thrown off by my expectations of how Australians will respond and how they actually respond.

For example, at a footy game that was standing-room only, I expected fans to fill all the paths between sections of seats and, consequently, blocking the view of seated fans. I think I thought that because it’s what I expect Americans to do, but the Aussie footy fans didn’t do that. The standing fans stayed at the back.

On several occasions, I’ve seen someone in distress in a public space, like the train, and I expected people to offer assistance. That’s based on my experience that Americans step in and help each other, but every single time I witnessed such an incident in Australia, nobody stepped in.

Oh man, that’s really surprising to me that you’ve seen people in need of help in public and Australians haven’t stepped in to help. Like someone fainting or an elderly person dropping a cane? Like a clear situation where a helping hand would have been welcomed? That is nuts. I understand why people don’t help in the US sometimes (as crappy as it is) — not wanting to be sued if they make situation worse — but is society like that Down Under? Would love to hear your thoughts on why people don’t offer assistance. That makes me sad.

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I’m Diane

Bienvenue! I believe in… not rushing through the week just to get to the weekend. Letting your hair down. Being kind, always. Getting a good sweat on. Living in athleisure. Being comfortable but finding a way to push yourself. Getting excited about life’s simple pleasures. Drinking iced coffee when it’s cold out. Making time for your pet. Going after what you want. Taking risks. Treating yourself often. Traveling to places that intrigue you. Life is meant to be lived. Let’s keep moving forward.