Monday, March 2, 2015

Today's post comes courtesy of waiting for 50 minutes in a doctors office full of hugely pregnant women.....

I will say that I with almost 100% certainty believe that I will not make it to term. That isn't saying that I don't believe I won't get my "take home baby" as people in the loss forums say, or in my case "A baby who is healthy, living, breathing, ages, outlives us, has babies of their own, and grand babies." I am oddly optimistic, which isn't saying that we won't have more loss, more sadness, or more heartbreak. What I am saying is that I haven't given up. I still have hope, we have options for treatment. Whether or not they will work, is still to be tested but its a little bit of hope, perhaps a little seed of optimism, who knows. I can tell that I am rambling, I will get to my point that I wanted to get to earlier.

Earlier I went to a follow up appointment at my high risk OB. I figured it was to make sure that the infection was gone (waste of time honestly-I think they wanted to check on my mental status more then my baby making status). Anyway...

I tear up when I go to this clinic, because I have happy memories of going there to see Amelia on the screen, and obviously sad ones of returning without her. (Carter was at a different facility/hospital system) So I ask if I can be placed in a room away from the hugely 8+ month pregnant women who are populating the waiting room. They are kind enough to take me back, and then it starts. A nurse is "available to talk, because she has NOTHING to do..." A nurse, yeah right. This became a 30 minute span of her talking to me, and being available to talk if i wanted to talk about anything, etc. Then there was suggestions of seeing a therapist/group support etc. I mentioned that I was in a MUCH better place then with Carter, and explained my analogy of the last post (Crater). The nurse seemed to have gotten it, but still made me fill out one of those depression screenings that isn't fooling anyone, which by the way said I wasn't depressed. Once she left me alone, It got me thinking about the differences when you go to a clinic with a child growing inside you, and when you are an empty shell returning without the cooing baby in your arms. I get that people don't know what to say when you are grieving, when you have lost what people claim to be the worst feeling in the world is when you lose a child. Well lucky me I have experienced it twice, and a very early miscarriage (bubble). Do i get some sort of award for being the strong-woman......

So when you go into these facilities with a growing embryo/fetus depending on when you go they are happily staring at you, talking about the future, planning for the life that is going to exist outside of you and throw up on you, and make messes, and completely change your life. What they don't prepare you for is what happens when either A. that life dies inside of you, or B. you give birth to a life which is then gone too fast. I get that you can't be prepared for that because you don't expect it, it won't happen to you, that happens to people you know or have heard of but not you. You do all the right things, you watch the caffeine intake, you don't eat deli meats, you avoid sushi, etc. Then even the best made plans are ruined and you are left with plans, dreams, wishes, ideas but no one to implement them with. Post life growing inside you, you notice the hugely pregnant women with bellies so big that you can't imagine that on you. You hear the stories about babies being born, and the nurses gushing over how cute they are, of course right outside your door. You hear the hushed conversations about you outside the door. Then there are the nurses who don't realize that you are no longer pregnant. They ask you how far along are you, and when you tell them they quickly apologize and cast their eyes down before skittering out of the room like it's on fire. Every time you return you are reminded of the happy times, the times of listening to the little heartbeat beating so strong, seeing the little acrobat spinning inside you, and listening to the optimism, or at least idea that you have more weeks to come. With Amelia our concern every visit was if she was still alive. Every heartbeat we heard set our mind a little at ease, every ultrasound of a happy flipping baby made our hearts grow even bigger. I told my husband J and our family that I wanted our baby to know that he/she was loved even if they were only with us for a short time. Even though it hurts to let love in, and embrace the life inside you I still will do it for the subsequent kids. Because at the end of the day, I know my children know that they are loved. Even Carter, who never heard us utter the words, or feel the embrace of our hands on his skin, his daddy talked to him through my belly and I talked to him. I know he could feel my love, and knew he was loved. His daddy wonders if he did, but I have to believe that our little man & little princess know without a doubt that they are loved.

In terms of dreams/wishes/plans/ideas, my husband just had his ideal shown to him yesterday in a friend who has a kid. His dream was to introduce our children to Star Wars. Yesterday a friend of ours borrowed it from us to show his 6 year old son. The day before that we were at a comic convention and my husband and this kid who was probably about 8 or 9 years old was arguing about doctor who and for a minute I could imagine thats my son Carter. I had never imagined him that old, I had not had the chance to. It was nice to think of him grown up.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Where to start...
I have seen the movie The Fault in Our Stars twice, once in theaters and once at home. For christmas I got the book and the movie. Today i finished the book for the first time. I figured because I had seen the movie twice, that the book wouldn't be a surprise to me. Which it wasn't, it was a glorious adaptation but a phrase in the book stuck with me. I am summarizing the sentence but it was "Grief reveals you". When I read over the phrase I stopped being immersed in the book which I was very familiar with and read the phrase again, and again, and again. Now an hour later I am still thinking about Grief reveals you. The question that I have pondered since Amelia was born and subsequently died is how will the grief from her shape me. With Carter, that grief was like a comet that had hit the surface of the earth. The area affected has never fully recovered, and the area around it has been affected. I will never be the person I was before Carter died, yet the person who is developing in spite of the devastation is someone that I think he could have been proud of.

They say that 1 year after a couple loses a child, that there is a 50% divorce rate. I believe the reason for this is it creates a point in time which forces the individual to rapidly change to accommodate that hole that the metaphorical crater has created. The individuals take on their own "growth" through grief exploration. The phrase "The couple who grows together stays together" and because grief tends to create feelings of inadequacy and shame, in addition to a plethora of other feelings this leads to the couple grieving in their own way. Which is perfectly okay, but i believe that the problem exists when the couple makes it out of the grief crater. The problem is that they are on different sides of the grief crater. They are unsure of how to reconnect and how to share the experience that they grieved with in different ways. Throughout this time of grieving for Carter & Amelia counselors kept telling us that men and women grieve in different ways. Again this is fine, but it is imperative to find the way to open the lines of communication again. Don't keep the feelings held inside for fear of upsetting the other person. Why I mention this now less then 3 months until Carter's 2 year Birthday/delivery/death day is because almost 2 months ago we experienced the loss of Amelia. We got what we wanted with Carter, a living breathing child, but i guess we weren't specific enough to the cosmic energy, to include that we also wanted an aging child who outlives us and has children of their own. That aside is we keep telling people that the grief for Amelia is different, familiar, not necessarily easier, but we had closure with her being alive and getting to tell her all the things we wanted to say, and see her moving and know that she was loved and not alone when she died. The analogy of Amelia would be that the grief of Carter was this Crater that came down and changed everything and how we saw/experienced the world. Whereas Amelia was another crater that fell into the same space. It didn't change the way that we saw things too much, because Carter had already changed everything. Amelia just altered how it looked slightly. This is not saying that we miss her any less, or grieve for her any less. Just that we have experienced this before hand, so we know what to expect.

Back to the initial phrase "grief reveals us". I feel that grief has revealed the person I am, the path that I find the most rewarding, and the path which I follow to make me feel like an adequate mother. Grief has lead me to be a more appreciative wife, because even with the difficulties that come with marriage, I have without a doubt chosen the right person for me, and the perfect father of my children. Seeing how he is with children either lifeless, or with fleeting life the warmth of love that comes from him and his gentleness with them and with me, makes him someone that I want to continue to change and grow with.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Hi Carter, just wanted to pop in and share this link
which links to your story on a site called facesofloss.com
My hope is that someone will see your story, and find some comfort in knowing that they aren't alone, or better yet see that lovenox needs to be monitored via a blood test.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Today was supposed to be the day that we learned the gender of Amelia. She would have been 19 weeks along today. I was so excited for this appointment because it would have been a long appointment of looking at you Amelia. We've been calling you Amelia for 12 days... We met you and held you, saw you moving and breathing just 12 short days ago. Yet, it feels like it's been so long since we said goodbye. These 12 days have felt like 80 days, and every day that we have to wait to see the doctor is another day that feels like 20. I can't believe that part of the reason you passed was an infection. A stupid infection that wasn't supposed to show up for several more weeks.

I hate being a Zebra for the medical field babies. I hate it so very much. If i wasn't a zebra and was just a normal fat girl with normal health things then both of you would exist... Maybe..... Your dad and I wanted 1 baby, and now we have 2 and will be trying for another one. Maybe in some sick world we were supposed to have several babies, and because we only wanted one were cursed with having other babies who wouldn't survive. Maybe if there are angels or whatever we didn't have enough people watching over us. Whatever the reason that you both are no longer with us is a sick, and ridiculous world.

Back to you existing. I think we would have had 2 babies. We would have fell so madly in love with Carter & wanted him to have a sister which would be Amelia. We came up with your name Amelia when we were pregnant with Carter. I was so sure that Carter would be a girl, so when we saw that Carter was a boy I was shocked, and then i got over it. We went to Babies R us and when I saw the little boy outfits I melted and got over my fear of a boy. Amelia was a surprise too, I was so sure we were having a boy. I craved almost the same exact things with both babies, except for Amelia I wanted hot chocolate instead of chocolate milk. When they said it was a girl, i cried just like with Carter and imagined a life with a little girl by my side, my little side kick. At least with Carter we had 8 weeks to imagine what life would be like with a little boy. With Amelia we had about 11 hours to imagine what life would be like with a little girl, which was enough time to imagine and be excited. She was such a little precious doll, and even an anime we watched had a character that we thought could be Amelia. She was the right size of Amelia with big brown eyes and long brown hair, just like I Imagined her.

I am definitely rambling my babies..... But i wanted to show you and make a space for the egg that our friend made for you Amelia. She made one for Carter too.

Anyway babies, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I was thinking of you both. Amelia you never have to worry about us forgetting about you because we have been without Carter for 1 year and 8 months and I know I still think of him at least several times a day. I feel closer to you babies when I am working with the kids with autism. I am not sure why but helping them makes me feel a bit better.

Before I say goodbye I wanted to mention an interesting number's thing about both of you.

Carter was 27 weeks along, and Amelia was 17 (10 weeks apart)

Carter was born on 5-17-13, and Amelia was born on 1-7-15 (10 days apart)

Also notice all of the 7's. I told your dad we should go play the lottery with these numbers.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Hi Carter, It's your momma writing. I know it has been a few months since I've written on here, but you know I talk to you. I wanted to let you know, even though I'm sure that you do that you have a sister now. We named her Amelia Rose, and she was born 10 weeks earlier then you were. She was such a fighter Carter she was alive for an hour and 12 minutes. The doctors and nurses were shocked at how strong she was Carter. She was beautiful, so very precious. She was moving her arms and legs when she came out and It was just me this time delivering her Carter. Your dad was outside of the door, when she came and I yelled out to him. A swarm of nurses showed up after she came and we got to hold her for just as long as we did with you. They said we could hold her longer but she was changing and we didn't want our last image of her to be something like that. We bathed her with little sponges and baby soap. We made videos and took pictures. Uofm did a really great job Carter, I wish we would have gone to them for you. I am so very sad to have met and lost Amelia, Carter but at least you have your sister now. I hope someday we can have a child/your sibling who is alive and stays with us.

I am attaching something I posted on a forum of what happened during Amelia's time and what happened at the hospital. I wanted somewhere to put it, since my memory is so bad. I love you Carter, and I love your baby sister Amelia. I hope more then anything that the two of you are together somewhere, maybe playing in sand, or building legos.

Love you my two sweet babies-
Momma Amber

Jan 7th, 2015 (a few days ago) I was 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I was in the hospital twice that week, earlier for cramping and a clot that came out (small like a nickel) they diagnosed me with Bacterial Vaginosis and an inflamed cervix that they could put their finger tip into but the inner cervix was still closed. They seemed okay with that and scheduled an ultrasound the next week for (3 days later to measure the cervix). Baby's heart beat was good.

Then I called the next day cause my cramping was worse, and I was spotting more they said it was normal given what was happening. The next day (the 6th) I called because i was having very frequent and extremely painful cramping still with spotting. They said to come in so they could figure out what was causing the pain. I went in and the nurse said she could feel membrane when she pressed into the cervix, again baby's heart was beating no problem. I was admitted that night, and an ultrasound showed bleeding in the uterus, and a short cervix. They gave me labor stopping medication and said that sometimes the meds don't work, which they did for me.

The next day (the 7th) I had that ultrasound scheduled so I went to it. Baby was so happy in there moving around, with a great heartbeat we also found out that we were having a girl! They told me that it looked like I had a small placental abruption, and showed me where blood was pooling up in the uterus. It was a long day of waiting but the doctor said that some people can have a placental abruption and make it to full term so some hope was still there, we just didn't know what would happen, they also wanted me to use progesterone vaginally to help with my cervix. That night my husband went home for a few hours, and luckily he came back about half and hour before I gave birth. I was cramping rhymically but I didn't realize it, I wrote it down. She was born at 9:25 pm to just me in the bathroom. I felt the water break and seconds later I was holding her. She was alive and moving her arms and legs. She lived for an hour and 12 minutes. They doctors and nurses were shocked that she lived that long. I was severely losing blood (full uterus, gushing amounts every few minutes) but I refused to leave my little Amelia Rose while she was still alive. I wanted her to pass away with both of her parents with her, and she did. I had most of a D&C (cause I was already dilated) which was really difficult to leave her, and then coping with the loss of her with the pain of the D&C. My husband/your daddy said that as he looked over at me I was growing paler and paler, and that his grief and sadness for Amelia was compounded with his fear of losing me.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Hello my sweet Carter,
I awoke today to no less than 8 emails wishing you a happy 1st birthday. Obviously the day that you came into the world was not today, but 1 year and 3 months ago. These emails were a shock to my heart. I found myself today at work getting choked up when I looked in the mirror and behind me was the very pregnant co-worker watching me work.
I met up with your grandma L, she misses you very very much. We are both having a hard time because a second baby was born a few days ago to the family. It is hard Carter. It is hard enough to not see you and have you, it is even harder to see other people get to have their happy babies. Your grandma L, and great grandma A are having trouble being happy for my cousins who will definitely be great parents. I guess great grandma A didn't sound happy. She said that she was waiting for a call to come with the bad news like you.. When you died, great grandma A said she prayed to the heavens for a miracle, and to please take her instead. I wouldn't have wanted that at all. As much as I wish you were here I wouldn't trade you, or anyone.
The odd thing is that both babies in the family were born 1 year apart on the same date. Speaking of babies, the 1 year old baby's mom is pregnant AGAIN. The statistics on that fact are astonishing, and yet I was not surprised but it still made me feel like crap.... How can she get knocked up so easy and I keep trying and trying......
I am a pro at changing diapers now shouldn't that give me some kind of leway and allow for me to "graduate" into second child status....

I hung out with your grandma L today, and grandpa R. Grandma L and I cried and cried today over you, and the new babies. Grandpa R and I talked about babies and my inability to get pregnant. He thinks it will happen soon, and by the time we go to Italy in the spring.

Anyway, Just wanted to pop in and tell you that I think about you always.... Your Dad's, Dad grandpa R was saying that one of his co-workers first son died, she said she always thinks about him and that it never changes. I don't want to forget you, and you are with me in every step of my life. I <3 you Carter, I always will.