Monday, May 16, 2011

Goodbye.

There was some good news but here comes the... I wouldn't call it bad so I will just call it news...

I will try to make this short and simple. Even though my emotions are super complicated right now. Over two years ago, I found out I was pregnant and it changed my life forever. I met some incredible people that I will never forget. I met my first baby girl and that day was perfect. I wouldn't ever change a thing. Then days later, I had broken my heart to give her more than I could at that time. Two parents who were going to love her unconditionally and give her everything. The answer I received was that she wasn't meant to be with my family, she was meant to be with the J's.

Over the past two years, I have written over 300 blog posts. I never thought how much my story could impact strangers and how their stories of trial, difficulty and peace in the end- could impact me. I learned life lessons through these wonderful people in the blogging world and I'm very appreciative and grateful for all that everyone has shared.

I say with a heavy heart, I'm enduring another hard goodbye. I've decided... and this was my decision and only my decision to make. As much as I have loved my open adoption and the peace that it has given me knowing my little girl is being taken care of and she's happy. I've come to the decision to verbally close the adoption. In other words, the adoption could easily open back up over time or when Olivia is ready to talk to me. It has been getting harder, when it should be easier. I believe it's been harder because I've been holding on to those two days at the hospital for far too long. I'm holding on to something that isn't mine anymore.

I have so many fears and wishes. I've gone back to placement day. A day that I hoped to have long forgotten the torment and the sorrow that came with it. But I know that someday, I will find the peace that I've prayed for days and nights during my pregnancy and post placement. It might not have come immediately, but it still came.

I fear that Olivia will think I have abandoned her but I wish with all of my heart that her parents will educate her and let her know that it isn't the case. I have already given her the best. I have played a small but significant role in her life and she has many more life experiences to be written in her own book.

I wish that one day that she will want to find me and to know about me. To know about her and my love for her. I fear that she will never know how much I love her and that I deeply care about her. I wish someday she will seek for that.

I will be starting another blog. I don't know when- but I'm not going to announce it on here when I do. Please don't add me on Facebook or leave rude questions on my Formspring or ask me "what happened." It's not your business. If I wanted to make it your business, I would announce it here or just tell you in person. So, take this as a goodbye. I'm truly grateful for everything that everyone has ever done for me and for your kind words. Right now, all I need is your prayers. Thank you so much for reading this and I hope it continues to inspire those who continue through this journey of adoption. My journey ends here... for now.

Tonight is another night where I will hold my "Olivia bear" wrapped in her hospital blankets wishing it was her and that tomorrow wasn't ever going to come. But tomorrow always does. We don't need to hold on to yesterday. We don't need to fear tomorrow, but embrace it. This too shall pass.

‎"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is; even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you."
— Winnie the Pooh

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, "But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today."

30 comments:

wow, I don't think I've ever commented before but I've been following your blog for almost a year. I'm so sad to see you go. I have never been involved in an adoption in any aspect besides knowing people who are adopted yet, your story has touched me in many ways. I'm so sad to see you go but I wish you the best of luck in the future with your husband by your side.

Wow. I hope you are ok and that you take good care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You have always been so strong and positive and I think its ok to take the time you need to grieve. You are amazing your role in Olivias life is anything but small. You created her and love her and she will be who she will become because of that.

I totally agree with Mrs. R...good for you for taking care of you first. It really is brave. I will miss your blog posts...I've really loved them and have learned from them too. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Best of luck in all that you do and pursue. Shelby

*hugs* Letting go of that baby in the hospital is very difficult. I chose semi-open for my birth son. Pictures and letters twice a year. It was very difficult at first and I grieved very hard. But now, almost 5 years later, personally, I'm glad I made that choice. She will not think you abandoned her. She knows that you love her. Her parents will make sure that she knows that. As others have said, be kind to yourself. But know that other birth moms are out there thinking of you and praying for you.

My Friend! You are amazing! And you can do it! Good Luck! I'm always here if you need to chat! I know I can't relate or anything, but I will always listen! I'm so happy for your courage, kindness and bravery! The best part is you have your husband to help you out!I'll be keeping you in my prayers! Love ya Girlie! And good job to take care of yourself first this time around!

Thank you so much for sharing so much of your story. As a PAP, I've truly needed to hear about your journey, and I'm sorry that telling it has to come to an end right now. Take care, take care, take care. -Marisa

I have read your blog from the first post till now, never missing a single one, your blog has helped me so much in dealing with the adoption, to educating me more on the decisions that have come with it. I wish you all the best for you, and hope that one day you will be able to think of her without sadness, praying for you.

You are amazing and you will be in my prayers. I am sure this journey is so hard for you, I cannot imagine how you feel. Know that people support an d love you and that you truly are an angel of god for your sacrifice and trial. You are a true mother at heart and your sweet little girl is so lucky to have chosen you as her birthmother...someday she will understand and know just how wonderful you are. I wish you the best I will be praying for you! Contessa

I have so much enjoyed reading your blog. As an adoptive mom I just want to say THANK YOU! My family and I love and adore birth parents and have so much respect for them. I will miss reading your blog. Good luck with everything and always remember that you are loved so much by our Heavenly Father and him and our Savior truly knows all that you are going through and are feeling!!! Hang in there! :)

I love you Stef!! You are amazing! I just wrote this big long post and it got deleted when I hit preview. But the gist of it is thank you! Thank you for giving me hope before our family was able to grow. Thank you for sharing your personal and sacred experience with all of us! I look forward to watching your eternal (soon to be anyway!!!) family grow. Know you are so very loved and appreciated!

are you willing to leave this blog up as a resource for those who it has helped?

please know that you are in my prayers & will remain so. if you ever want to, you can contact me through my blog & i'm willing to be a listening ear and prayer partner. and, of course, i'll be keeping little miss Olivia in my prayers also, as well as your family & hers. in addition, your marriage will be in my prayers - you've only just begun the rest of your life, and i know that your marriage is the most sacred human relationship a person has. you may not know me, and for that reason i'm sure i'll never hear from you again, but i cannot simply stop praying for someone i've prayed for all this time, nor can i stop caring about you when well over a year of praying over you has led to a love in Christ.

i'm about to have my 4th hospitalization in 2 years - i've had 3 brain surgeries, one of which i almost didn't wake up from, another of which i almost didn't make it into in the first place, and in a few weeks i'm having not a real surgery but a procedure. i'll be in Intensive Care and my Neurosurgeon says i'll "look like a lopsided unicorn" because i'll have a bolt sticking out the side of my forehead. it'll be inserted to hold a cable in place that will run from a machine to the center of my brain, and will be placed while i'm AWAKE. in addition, i have a separate condition that causes migraines daily. when i say daily, i mean i LITERALLY get a full-blown migraine (not a headache, a real migraine) every single day of my life. i'm blessed if i have 1 day/week where it's not a true migraine.

that's just the physical... i was also abused for 11 years, then at age 13 my little sister & i were kidnapped (combination parental/stranger abduction) and taken to mexico where we were held for a month. i attempted suicide, have struggled with self-injury for years, and in the past month my uncle committed suicide, my dog died, and my brother-in-law pushed my sister through a window during a fight they had when she discovered he'd been cheating which even with surgery she may never have use of that arm again.

why am i telling you all of this?

simple: to show you that i really do know what it means to KNOW your ONLY HOPE rests in God. Stefanie, i am not comparing our situations. and i would NEVER claim to understand what your life is like, how you feel, what you experience, or what you must be going through to have made the decisions you announced today. PLEASE do not think i'm trying to compare us or any such thing... i'm simply trying to show you that i know pain & i know what it means to realize that it's beyond human control and our Heavenly Father is the answer. sharing MY life and all the things that have led me to this place is the only way i know how to back up my words with proof that it isn't empty lines coming from a clueless person on the internet.

like i said, i'm here if you ever need me. i hope that you will leave this blog up, and that perhaps one day you will slip me a line (even just a comment on my blog) to let me know how you're doing. but regardless, i'll be praying for you. :-)

Hang in there, if you need anything let me know. I'm here for you.I know how hard this is going to be for you, and I'll be praying and thinking of you.Olivia will know how much you love her, and I don't think she'll ever doubt that.

Thanks for sharing your story. I have also been touched by your story. It has touched my heart. I understand that it is time for you to go on with your life with your husband. I hope that things go well for you. You are amazing and I am proud that you see that your new family with your husband needs your time. Please Take care and I will miss your blog.

I've never commented here either. I'm an adoptive mom as of this past December to a beautiful little girl. Your blog has helped me through so many different things I've wanted to talk with our daughter's birthmomma and could never really find the words or just didn't know what to say, but you helped. For that, I thank you. Even though we don't know each other, I talk about your blog often enough that my husband knows who I'm talking about. We even sent K a birthmom basket after seeing the link on your page. You have been such a source of strength for me throughout our adoption process--you really have no idea how much that means to me. I know that Olivia's parents will always share the love you have for her and the pictures and memories she will have of you, will reflect that as well. I wish there was some way I could follow your new blog because I think you've touched more lives than you'll ever know through this blog. Sending lots of love to carry you through the next part of your journey. ♥ All my best...

I ditto Lara! Thank you for sharing so much of you and your deepest feelings, feelings that most of us can't put into words. But those feelings and words made a difference in so many of us. Through education, understanding and also the hope and attonement and change that you went through. Best of luck with this new chapter in your life, I hope it includes a lot of running :)

You already know how much your blog has changed my life, and I can't tell you how much respect and love I have for you, even though we don't know each other. It makes me sad to think of not being able to read your posts anymore.. You were my inspiration, Stef. I know you must be going through a hard time, but I hope you find some small comfort in knowing how many lives your story has touched. We've been reading every step of the way, and I admire you for having the courage to leave it behind now when it is best for you. I wish you all the best, and hope your days become brighter soon. You're amazing.

Stefanie.. Thank you for posting this. Seeing your feelings written out here has helped me understand why my own biological mother may have ceased communication. You really amazing and I have learned so much from you, even from a distance. Good luck. Thanks again.

I've truly enjoyed reading your blog throughout your journey and thank you for writing about your experiences. I wish you the best with your decision and as previous commenters have stated, it takes a brave, strong person to acknowledge when to step back and allow time for healing. All my prayers and love!

You're all truly wonderful and I've been comforted by your kind words. Just a little update that things are going well. This is the first time since I've written this post that I've actually signed on. :) And if some of you check back and realize that I didn't approve of your comment- my phone gets emails and I can approve on my phone but the links are so small, I accidentally click delete and I can't get it back up. Don't think I hate you. :( I have started a new blog. If you happen to read this and want to know what's going on and I don't think you're a creeper. My e-mail is in my about me :) I still love adoption and talk about it. I just did a panel yesterday. I just need a breather and time to heal. Love and miss you all!

Just caught up, really late but I want to say this post teaches me so much about a mother's love . . . you are a brave and generous soul! I have a new blog too after desiring adoption, God surprised us with a miracle pg and healthy baby boy!

About Me

I'm 22 years old. I am a proud birth mother of a precious baby girl Olivia born September 23, 2009. I placed Olivia into the loving arms of D&V on September 25, 2009. This is my life, my thoughts, my journey.
E-mail: Stefanie.okj@gmail.com