THE NF-W YORKER "J ust nerves I can't manage words,'" I sobbed, but he said I was getting on fine. He added that he realized I really wanted to stop smoking, he- cause I hadn't brought in anv pills. He saId he knew that because he'd searched my things while I was hvp- notIzed. The night after he said that, I had cramps. Cramps are a well- known withdrawal symptom. They might make themselves felt anywhere in the addict's body, but most people get them in the arms-they fee] as if all the bones have broken. I had mine in the legs, all the way up to the hips, and at four in the morning I figured out that this was because I'd had to wear braces on my legs as a baby. I had never been able to remember the braces, but now, I said to myself, my legs were remembering. Then, as if I'd pleased the gods with this de- cision, I actually fell asleep for a fun hour It was probably the worst night of all. Bobb) let a few friends in to see me after that. I could go out into the over- grown garden with them and walk a little, taking shaky steps to the creek where ducks swam, and then we would drink tea under a tree. They helped the time pass, which was good, because without distraction it dragged terribly. "The mortal boredom of the smoker who is cured!" wrote Cocteau. Most vivid of all, though, was the way I felt about the bed. Night after night, I had to lie on it without sleeping, untIl I detested it with a bitter, personal spite. I hated the very smel1 of the mattress. I don't suppose it was really bad, be- ing kapok and nothing else, but for the first time in some years my numbed nose was working, and any scent would have had an unpleasant effect on newly sensitive nerves. To me the mattress stank, and It was lumpy, besides. I knew every lump I resolved to settle that bed's hash as soon as I was my own master. One mornIng, I asked Bobby what it would cost to replace it. "Oh, I don't know. Twenty dollars, I suppose. Why?" he said. "I want to buy this one when I'm through with it, and burn it in the gar- den. I hate it." "If you still want to by then, you may," he said solemnly. "Heh-ven tele- phoned me today." He paused, looking at me with a cautious expression. "It is not the first time he has tried to reach you," he added, "but I didn't tell you before. Now I think I can trust you to see him. He's coming this afternoon. In fact, he's here now." "Good." I must have sounded indif- ferent, because that was the way I felt. ' \\" 'o '- Ý / . 43 - ....... AJIlíII' "\ / Þ' _.t:::." ;- .I ' 'l ' ' r <If '\ J " .......,..... i .....,;;--/ '''' I - - r: 'J'" "'" , ., -- \. ..... J\ ,..". ,,' - . , " 4. ' ) . "- \' . .Þ ;,-f. .- . " '" "..J; ..' if ,. , , ---; '" ,i ,I' I .'1. ( f l "I .. , . , f J t' , , I I I ,,- 11 1 ii' I '')h ,, ,l -_ '1,1/ \. I þ -.. , , "' - \ \ ,'II .. \ - . , " ";. \ l \ ' " o .t, . ..... '" , . !.. \, , _.. ., It .......' \). \ ....." '. "Ciao) Arlene 1 adored the ragout) and I couldn't agree more with you about B-zafra.)) I'd almost forgotten Heh-ven. \Vhen he walked in, though, I remembered how well I knew him, and how man) hours we'd spent smoking together. His eyes looked cloudy, I observed, and his teeth were dirty. H " d " I ' k . " e saI, m ta Ing you out. Bobby said swiftly, "Only for a drive, remember," and looked hard at him. Heh-ven laughed, and held up his hand reassuringly. "Certainly 1'1] bring her back. I do not want your patient, D " octor. " y . k " . d ou are not gOIng to smo e, sal Bobby, "and you are not taking her anywhere where she can smoke. Is that clear? " "Perfectly clear," said Heh-ven. We walked out the front door- which I hadn't gone out of for a week-and into his car, and drove away. He was faithful to his promise. \\1 e went to a tearoom and sat there and looked at each other, and he said, "You look all nght. How are you?" " I ' ]1 0 1 " I . d " b C m a rIg lt, saI, ut octeau was telling the truth-you know, about the boredom. Still, I'm glad I did it." I was warming up, though Heh-ven stIl1 sounded and looked like a stranger. " I . d 1 0 ] 1 " tne , w 11 e you were out t lere, . . he admitted, "and I couldn't. It didn't last more than about thirty-six hours. I mIssed the lamp most of all. I find the lamp very nIce." "Well, that's easy," I answered. "J ust light it and lie there." We both giggled. It was the first time I'd been able to make a joke about opium. Then he took me back to the hospital. His eyes when he said goodbye were wet, because he needed his tray. I felt smug. The afternoon I was formally dis- charged, three days before I was to go to Chungking, Bobby saId, "Well, goodbye. You're free. ì7" ou're all nght now. You can go anywhere you like. I don't want any pay, but remember-if you get the chance to con vince some higher-up, tell him my method is effec- tive. Y ou'l1 do that, won't you? I would like to have that job." I promIsed, and thanked him, and we shook hands. My bag was packed, and a car waited outside, but I hesi- tated. "There's one more thing," I said. "The analysis, remember? I've asked you more than once, but you haven't told me what you found out the day you did it." All Bobby said was "Oh, yes, that. V ery interesting." What's more, I forgot all about burning the mattress. -EMILY HAHN