Chicken Soup for the Mind

A Chinese girl forced me to confront what it means to be Jewish.

“What are we waiting for?" my Chinese girlfriend asked, somewhat confused, as we sat facing each other in the privacy of my apartment. For weeks we’d been talking about the prospect of getting married.

I held back. I was not supposed to marry a Gentile, I thought. It would be a betrayal of my family, my ancestors, my tradition. Yet it would sound racist if I told her that.

I was raised with a lox-and-bagels Judaism, replete with misconceptions and negative stereotypes about the religious life. The few laws that we kept – such as not eating pork – we did because of habit or tradition.

Confronted with an ancient, fascinating Chinese tradition, I was challenged to identify with my Jewishness.

Like many of my peers, I had an affinity for Jewish culture, and that’s where it ended. And like many young Jews, I became interested in philosophy and spirituality. In college I studied Marxism, Platonism, socialism, humanism, feminism. I wanted to know if any of them was the key to fixing the world. I delved into the teachings of Christianity and Buddhism. I travelled to the arctic for a month hoping to taste native spirituality.

In the process, I became disillusioned with one “ism” after another. And Judaism is an “ism” that was never even on my radar.

Until I met Belinda.

Interdating Questions

At first it was exotic and exciting: I was expanding my horizons. But soon the guilt and the doubts started pouring in. Were any of the Buddhist practices idol worship? Did it matter whether our future children ate pork and shrimp? Or was my discomfort with these issues the result of years of conditioning and guilt induced by my parents, synagogue and community? Whatever the case, I couldn’t just snap my fingers and make my upbringing disappear.

And not only that: As I was confronted with an ancient, rich and fascinating Chinese tradition that I knew nothing about, I was challenged to identify what was unique and special about my Jewishness.

When you’re forced to explain and justify your Jewish beliefs, values or practices to a foreign audience, something interesting happens: the conversations become very stimulating. My Chinese girlfriend would ask me questions about Judaism and I’d run and dig up answers – and not just any answers, they had to be the most satisfying answers possible, so that she’d find Judaism appealing. In the process of sharing my heritage with her, I discovered more and more of its treasures. In the space of four years, from not having a mezuzah at my front door, I became a kippah-clad, Shabbat observant, tefillin-donning Jew. Go figure.

Meanwhile, Belinda herself became increasingly drawn to Jewish values and beliefs – while also investigating other religions – and came to see the divine nature of Torah. Since Gentiles are not required to be Jewish to merit a portion in the afterlife, her decision to embrace Judaism came only after months of introspection, further learning, and immersion in Jewish life. Once she converted, I didn’t wait long before proposing to her at a kosher Chinese restaurant!

But it doesn’t always work that way. Interdating more often than not leads to intermarriage, non-Jewish children and further disaffection from our heritage. In my case, thank God the opposite happened. What accounts for the difference?

Judaism: Culture or Meaning?

Most non-religious Jews who date only other Jews do so because of family and community expectations. Or because of the Holocaust. Or because of antisemitism. But these reasons are rather tenuous, tainted with guilt. Many cultures exert pressure to marry one’s one kind, but why give in to it –especially in a multicultural society?

Falling in love can override all these considerations. And here, I think, is the key. It all boils down to the bifurcation of Judaism into those who abide by it as a religion (and by religion I mean an all encompassing sacred and meaningful way of life, something one believes is actually real and true) and those who identify with it as a culture.

The recent Pew study on the state of Judaism in America asked respondents to identify what is essential to their Jewish identity. 14% replied “eating traditional Jewish foods” and 42% replied, “having a good sense of humour.” If that’s what Judaism is to them, there is not much to be lost in marrying a Gentile. In the same vein, Belinda and I realized that culturally we could take the best of both worlds. We can celebrate Rosh Hashanah and we cancelebrate Chinese New Year. We can eat matzah ball soup one day and won-ton another. We can exchange Jackie Mason jokes and dabble in the wisdom ofConfucius. We’d both be enriched.

To curb intermarriage, we need young Jews to identify with a Judaism that is relevant and meaningful.

But if Judaism is more than just a tradition, it is built on the revelation at Sinai when God gave the Jewish people His Torah, the Divine instruction manual for living, then the ramifications are vastly different. It’s not something I can blithely ignore. They’re commandments; not suggestions. And included in the Torah is the prohibition against intermarriage.

When you identify as a cultural Jew, seeking diversity in your relationship may be appealing. When you identify as a religious Jew, the boundaries are more clearly defined.

So if we want to curb intermarriage, we need to get young Jews to identify with Judaism as a religion that is relevant and meaningful, rather than simply as a culture.

Discovering the Relevance of Judaism

I believe interdating is a symptom of a problem, namely, Jewish ignorance. My interdating journey forced me to dive into learning anew, unlearn what I believed Jewish religion was, and relearn it with depth and authenticity that fundamentally changed my identity as a Jew.

I believe a big part of Jewish education today must consist of unlearningwhat we assume Judaism is all about. Is Judaism about refraining from eating pork because of habit or tradition, or is it about observing the kosher laws because that’s one of God’s ways of ensuring we remain a holy nation? Is Judaism about cultivating a sense of humor, or is it about cultivating a relationship with the Creator?

In short, we need to distinguish between authentic Torah Judaism and its myriad cultural echos.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
Laura,
June 19, 2014 2:50 PM

May love always surround the Botwinki family!

(8)
Chana Parnes,
June 19, 2014 9:07 AM

Incredible Insights

Thank you for this wonderful article.You put it so well: "If we want to curb intermarriage, we need to get young Jews to identify with Judaism as a religion that is relevant and meaningful, rather than simply as a culture." Yes, indeed!

(7)
Bracha Goetz,
June 18, 2014 1:53 PM

Beautifully written

and a wonderful story!

(6)
Ra'anan,
June 17, 2014 5:28 PM

G-d bless you all!!!

H' yevarekhem bekhol tuv!!!

(5)
Faleen,
June 17, 2014 2:50 PM

As an aside

As an aside, your children are beautiful. As my main comment, it was nice to see that you married a very intelligent Jewish girl who became a Jew even before you did.

(4)
Ashley N.,
June 17, 2014 2:33 PM

How inspiring!

As a very respectful non-Jew, I love this story. In a world where we are asked daily to question our values and beliefs by people who truly wish we would ultimately determine that our beliefs have no value, yours is a story of questioning and relearning that ultimately leads to deeper understanding and richer, more treasured belief. What a gift to give your (beautiful!) wife and children! Thank you so much for sharing. I feel uplifted and edified by your experience.

I’ve heard the argument made that Jews should not buy German products, for example Volkswagen cars which used Jewish slave labor during the war. It is wrong for Jews to support German industries?

My cousin says we should just forgive and forget. I would like your thoughts on the subject.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The great rabbi known as the Chazon Ish once said that if a Torah scroll was found burning, and a man used it to light his cigarette, there is no Jewish law that forbids it. Nevertheless, doing so would show a lack of sensitivity. So too, Jewish law does not forbid purchasing a German car.

Regarding the "demand for forgiveness," people often quote the Bible that when one is struck, it is proper to "turn the other cheek" and allow that cheek to be struck as well. But that only appears in the Christian Bible. Jews believe in fighting actively against evil.

Almost all people are inherently good and so we should forgive their lapses. But some people are truly evil – for example, Amalek, the ancient nation which wantonly attacked the Jews leaving Egypt.

Over two millennia ago when Haman (a descendant of Amalek) was commanded by the king to lead his enemy Mordechai through the streets of Shushan, Mordechai was too weak to climb on to the horse. Haman had to stoop to allow Mordechai to use his back as a stepping stool. In the process, Mordechai delivered a vicious kick to Haman which obviously startled him.

Turning to Mordechai in bewilderment, Haman asked: "Does it not say in your Bible, 'Do not rejoice at your enemy's downfall?'" Mordechai responded that indeed it does, but it refers only to people less evil than Haman. So too, we have no reason or allowance to forgive the Nazis and their helpers. Those who scraped the concrete in the gas chambers gasping for air can choose whether to forgive the Germans. We cannot.

In 1977, Egyptian President Anwar Sadat addressed the Knesset in Jerusalem. Sadat was the first Arab leader to officially visit Israel, after receiving an invitation from Menachem Begin. Sadat had orchestrated the Egyptian attack on Israel in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, but after suffering defeat became resigned to the existence of the State of Israel. Much of the Arab world was outraged by Sadat's visit and his change of strategy. One year later, Sadat and Begin signed the Camp David Peace Agreement, for which they received the Nobel Peace Prize. As part of the deal, Israel withdrew from the Sinai peninsula in phases, returning the entire area to Egypt by 1983.

There are many tasks, jobs, and chores that we will end up
doing whether we really enjoy doing them or not. Many hours of our lives are spent this way. The late Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, of Ponevehz Yeshivah, used to say, "If you are going to do it anyway, do it with joy."

Train a young lad according to his method, so that when he grows older he will not deviate from it (Proverbs 22:6).

He shall not deviate from it - the child will not deviate from the method with which he was taught. That method refers to the way we are taught to adapt to life's many hurdles, struggles, and tests.

Education consists of more than just imparting knowledge; it also means training and preparation in how to deal with life. Knowledge is certainly important, but is by no means the sum total of education.

"A person does not properly grasp a Torah principle unless he errs in it" (Gittin 43b). People usually do not really grasp anything unless they first do it wrong. In fact, the hard way is the way to learn. Children learn to walk by stumbling and picking themselves up; young people learn to adjust to life by stumbling and picking themselves up.

Parents and teachers have ample opportunities to serve as role models for their children and students, to demonstrate how to adapt to mistakes and failures. If we show our children and students only our successes, but conceal our failures from them, we deprive them of the most valuable learning opportunities.

We should not allow our egos to interfere with our roles as educators. Parents and teachers fulfill their obligations when they become role models for real life.

Today I shall...

try to share with others, especially with younger people, how I have overcome and survived my mistakes.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...