Just Fitting In, Like A Regular.

Still Not Fine in Aught Nine

Leggings McGillicuddy and her ununiformed daughter infringed upon my daughter’s cookie selling territory yesterday. I was close to making a stink just to be shitty, but restricted myself to flashing the stink eye. THIS is why I didn’t want to do Girl Scouts. THIS is why I didn’t want to do PTO*. It makes people like me small. Next thing you know, I’ll be scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. Kill me now. Send me to hell so the hounds can pick apart my cold black heart.

To emphasize my capacity for smallness, consider my “teaching time” in the 8 YO boy’s class as we discussed social justice and taking action. I discriminated against half the class by denying them a gew gaw that I gave the other half of the class. “Is this fair?” I asked. “Yes, because maybe you didn’t have enough for all of us,” said one do-gooder smarty pants. “We can share,” offered another. “No, no, no, no, no! We we don’t share! There is no sharing!” You know what it was? The gew gaw was STUPID. I should have given half the kids a Wii and then asked if that was fair.

My dear sweet hubster, who knows the darkness deep within my soul and is terrified by it, uhm, I mean who clearly loves me dearly, brought me the most perfect cup of coffee last night about 9 p.m. After a long, busy day, I had just returned home from my last Vestry meeting as a member of that body. I went out approving a deficit budget. What a spirit crusher that was! The deficit budget capped off a fine day of looming dark clouds between my ears.

Back to the coffee – I am currently involved in a project or two. One such effort is a series of on-line computer classes to help me with the Internets and Web site stuff to keep me employable. The hubster fed and put to bed the anklebiters and presented me a quiet environment in which to pursue my learning. The perfectly prepared and snuggly warm coffee by my side was intended to feul me through xHTML Because You are Old 101. Instead, I wasted that time doing, uh… social networking? E-mail? Stalking Whiskey. Whatever. But at 2 a.m., I decided to get some shut eye. At 3 a.m. the eyes still weren’t shut. Shortly thereafter the 6 YO girl crawled into bed with me. Shortly thereafter the alarm went off. I’m tired and hungry and small. So, I’m just saying, maybe, if you see me, you can find some charity for me that I’m quite sure I wouldn’t recriprocate.

* Just to clarify, I love the PTA and all their good work. I just can’t do the PTA.

3 thoughts on “Still Not Fine in Aught Nine”

You crack me up. That stuff doesn’t make you small; it just shows you that you’re not nearly as good at being small as the pro-smallsters who run the admission booths. So, you know, your smalls just look kinda grumpy because they don’t come with merit badges and membership cards.

My attempts to fit in with "Those" people, the gentle assimilation of tracy is closer to an asslamination.

You know the school my kiddos were at as elementals, and truthfully, I don't live in an antique McMansion. I totally suck. I have tattoos. I wear Birks in winter with socks. I smoke. I think it is cool to play on a D9 dozer. I think Hummers are a really dumb car named after…Well, um, I just think it would be REALLY hard to tell people I drive one.

I liked my minivan. I like my Rav even better (gas mileage) and on an even more Horrific Note….I spank my kids when they act like idiots in public and feel really good about it.

I waited 30 years to get to spank kids, and by Gawd I will not miss my chance. If I wasn't supposed to beat them why on earth did God fill them so full of the devil? This idea of beatin a bottom for disrespecting, backtalking, or running into the street puts me firmly OUTSIDE the "Group". They think time-outs work. I tried this. Philip can only understand he is acting a fool when his bottom is smacked. A & K, being girls, I never had to do anything except look at them. Such good girls from the start. Until they went to middle school and told me they wanted to join GS. I was about to spend a year surrounded by these women. I hated every minute.

A zilliom thank yous for helping me feel some sisterhood in motherhood. If you want some help beating some PTA ass, call me!!