Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Rink Beer and it's Hockey Equivalent

Well, for a first real post I thought I'd stick with something that stays connected with the blog's name - namely hockey and beer. While I'm going to pick on some beers and hockey players/themes please remember that this is humor and shouldn't be taken as a slight against your favorite beverage/player. So here we go...

We live in a glorious age of advanced stats, goaltenders wearing sumo suit sized padding, amazingly talented players and arenas stocked with a variety of beer. There is something for everyone at the rink from the calorie conscious to the hop headed beer snob. Luckily each beer has its hockey counterpart so here's a little guide to help you navigate the beer lines.

American light beers (Michelob Ultra, Bud Light, etc.) - These are the pre-season of beer in that they have less calories
(energy) and taste (talent) as the regular thing but still cost the
same.

Stella - fancy imported beer for the discerning fan that wants to pay
more for the same thing you can get domestically. Very popular with
owners like Charles Wang and terry Pegula.

Heineken- skunky like a wet goalie bag filled with used kitty litter.
Popular with people who have never had good Belgium beer and goalies
who will swear up and down that their funktastic stink is the sweet scent of victory
(Columbus goalies excluded).

Labatt Blue/Molson - Canadian equivalent of the big American lagers. These are like the Maple Leafs. You have high hopes at the start but eventually everything goes downhill until you accept the fact that they're terrible.

MichelobAmber Bock - I want a dark and strong beer but don't want it
to actually taste good, be very strong, or even be made from things that
normally makes up beer. The hockey equivalent is someone like Jack Johnson a defenseman who's biggest knock is that he's not very good defensively.

IPA - the enforcer of beers. Strong, manly, powerful and Not for the weak. Tap Handle gets less use than John Scott in the playoffs. Pairs well with a mustache.

Microbrews - you will pay extra to get what you want even if you're
getting less of it. Scott Gomez, if you will (which is doubly funny because he's so tiny!). Sometimes this works in
your favor by having a higher ABV than the standard choices. Like
Patrick Kane.

Coors light - you were hoping the silver bullet would actually cool the
building so the puck would quit bouncing like a super happy fun ball. Or
girls in bikinis would magically appear in the ensuing blizzard and start running around in slow motion.
One of the two.