interview by dick 'richard' smith, (former) usa today columnist. you may have read the censored version in one of last week's issues of USA Today, but we bring you the uncensored version because the truth smells good.

part i: interview with the pointless cabal

please call me richard. the term bitch-ass has travelled far and wide. it has been spotted in romania. where comes it from? what special meaning does it have for each of you?

chi chi: yes. hi, dick. i believe one of the editorial board appropriated, or as we like to say, stole that hyphenated phrase as something that should get more attention. how it became indicative or a nickname for any particular group of somehow worthwhile designates, i'm afraid i'm in the dark room developing black.

sean: alright dick. i remember it quite clearly. it was on one of those cattlecall days when the fire burns a little too low for the chill. like one of them, not one of them, of course. that would be ridiculous. and a cow came yondering as cows do and branded on its side was the term 'bitch-ass'. i am certain of it. it was a little drizzly, though, and my feet were cold. i wasn't wearing any socks.

Only my father called me Dick. Call me Richard, please.

sean.: dick

bryan e.: don't listen to them. bitch-ass comes from an unfinished Godard film that features flying gophers and the underwear fashion model mafia. the u.f.m.m's code word for their secret headquarters is "bitch-ass".

i then stole the term.

are any of you other fuckers going to answer the question?!

blem vide: tear it up baby!

j. tyler blue: what?

zink poe: Greetings, Richard.

I don't know the origin of the name "bitch-ass." I heard a rumor that it came from prison. A term of endearment, I suppose.

It has two different meanings to me. If it is used toward someone who is despised, then it is a slam. If it is used toward someone respected, then it is a good thing. Sort of like the pseudo-punches guys throw at one another to say they really admire the guy.

But I'm a queen and no one is allowed within ten feet of me.

No one has called me a bitch-ass because if they did, I'd release one of my bad vampires against them. Then they'd really be sorry.

It is a well-known fact that I keep vampires in my basement, but unfortunately, they don't give interviews.

j. tyler blue: is this interview still going on?

uh, yes. thank you. america wants to know more about the writethis hysteria and the people involved, so i hope you don't mind if i ask more personal questions. have any of you ever written in the nude?

j. tyler blue: what about the rest of the world?

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must i always pander to the american interests?

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i regularly masturbate in public. i don't write. ever. writing is for losers. have you heard of pretend genius? i shouldn't have mentioned it. i think they write. no, i am sure that they do. i create. i hack away at a blank screen until it is filled with words. i am a blank page killer. do you find me sexy?

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i know you do you sex crazed reporter. you guys are all sexed crazed. wanting to see me nude. i have pictures. $5.99 a month...my web cam at www.jtbhackinginthenude.org