Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Week 5: Girls Gone Ojai’d

One Sentence Summary: The women enjoy their last days in Ojai and we wonder if they’ll leave in peace or pieces.

No, I’ve never had plastic surgery. I’ve only had fillers and botox. I also would like to tell you about Santa Claus being real.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:I can promise you right now that this episode is going to bug the ever-living shit out of me. It’s not that I’m against good old fashioned silliness with your girls. I’m all for it, in fact. It’s just that I’ve got a threshold of how many decibels, ass cheeks and sloppiness I can endure before I hit the end of my patience rope. And let’s just say, the rope isn’t all that long. Now, some might say it sounds like I need to get in the “stick in the ass” removal line, but I say a stick in the ass is worth two in the bush. Wait… no that’s not what I say. That sounds like something Jenna Jameson would say. What I say is… Um, I say… Uh… I say let’s just watch the show and worry about ass sticks later, shall we?

Fighting: It’s Contagious

Dramatic women make strange bedfellows.

Rachel: And we start back at the Ojai dinner where Brandi is trying to have a moment with Kim, but is interrupted by Adrienne’s announcement to the room that Kim is crying. Brandi would prefer she take the PSA down a few notches. Well actually, she prefers that Adrienne just shuts the f**k up in general. And the table goes silent. It’s a rare moment that these women are rendered speechless. Look, I’m not a fan of the way Brandi handled her response, but really Adrienne is an idiot. You feel bad that Kim is crying so you bring it to the entire room’s attention? How is that helpful? And you feel badly for what? For the fact that she & Brandi are actually having a positive moment? Woman, you are about on my last nerve this season. Please pull your head out of your ass soon. Please. I’m almost at begging here. Almost.

Kim can’t take the drama and excuses herself to the restroom to have her moment. Brandi goes with her. I can’t tell if Kim is upset by Adrienne or Brandi at this point, but she is bawling her eyes out. Meanwhile, at the table, Kyle thinks Brandi’s comment was inappropriate. Lisa thinks it’s not a big deal. Kyle says again that it’s inappropriate and to think any other way is ridiculous. Lisa then agrees it was inappropriate, but Kyle feels it necessary to continue to argue about it. Great, now they’re all going to fight about this? These women are insane. It’s not your fight, Kyle. It’s also not your fight, Lisa. It’s for Adrienne to handle with Brandi. But no, we have to listen to these twits go round and round about it.

And back in the bathroom, Kim is still having a meltdown, and it’s about the comments Brandi made at the infamous Game Party at Dana’s. Really? You’re hysterical about them again? Look, you may not have been doing crystal meth in the bathroom, but no part of you was sober. You kinda have to take some responsibility for your behavior too. Of course, I’m wasting my time on a concept none of these women understand.

Soooo, since nothing good is happening at the table, off Lisa goes to the bathroom to explain to Brandi that she needs to apologize to Adrienne. Brandi doesn’t want to. She’s not sorry. Ain’t gonna happen. Brandi, listen to your mother and apologize before she punishes you by making you wear a bra. With that, Brandi does apologize… ish. She apologizes for using the “f” word, but not for telling Adrienne to shut up. This is good enough for Adrienne and everyone is happy again… Oh wait…

That’s right, kiddies, Brandi announces that she got a book deal today. That information doesn’t sit well with Taylor who begins to do her deep breathing exercises at the table – something Adrienne also announces. Brandi is confused but Taylor would prefer to just eat her dinner rather than discuss her dramatic outburst. Um, no you wouldn’t. You don’t make a production like that if you don’t want attention brought to the subject. So just go on with your commentary about Brandi calling you out for your book. Then we can flash to the reunion, yet again, and get fight number 3 for the dinner under our belts. And there we go. Accusation made – by Kyle actually – and tape rolling. Taylor does manage to make snide comments in her one-on-one interview. Wow, we haven’t even gotten to the drunken shenanigans portion of this evening and they’re already bugging the ever-living shit out of me.

Yolanda would like everyone to just move along and not harp on the past. But if they choose to harp on the past, couldn’t they just do it like grown women and discuss it rationally? Hold on…. can’t breathe… doubled over laughing… Oh Yolanda, that’s rich. Almost as rich as you. Woo…. Ha! Yeah, um, that’s never going to happen with this group you’ve gotten yourself caught up with. So, good luck on that.

PS – Adrienne got a book deal too. Crickets.

It’s Not What You Said, It’s How You Said It

Every time you drop an f-bomb, a Housewife gets her dings.

Rachel: Well that was a fun night. Let’s see if we can’t do it again today. At least there’s a gorgeous breakfast waiting for them. And a discussion about diamonds and jewels. Yolanda thinks jewelry is overrated. It’s being happy that matters. Yeah? Well, I’d be happy to take that ring off your hands and help you get really happy. Camille agrees and informs us that she no longer wears any jewelry that Kelsey gave her. None? Doubtful.

Half the girls go for a hike, which gives Lisa a chance to hang back and explain to Brandi why saying “STFU” is offensive. I just don’t get how you don’t know that, Brandi. I want to like you so much, but you really make it hard sometimes. It might not be cool in your book to have class, but for the sake of the rest of us, try it??? Lisa tells her that moments like that give the other women the validation they are seeking to keep her as the outsider. Exactly.

Aha! The truth about why Adrienne & Brandi are suddenly frienemies comes to light. Seems the Maloff-Nassif conglomeration were pressuring Brandi to defend them against Lisa on the ol’ Twitter… which you know is the pinnacle of truth telling. Twitter: all the truth you can fit into 140 characters. But Brandi is no one’s puppet, bitch. So she said no. And that is why they are no longer chummy.

Golf Carts

Friends don’t let friends drive golf carts.

Rachel: The happy family heads out in golf carts for a picnic. In cart 1, we have Yolanda, Kyle, Taylor & Camille. In cart 2, we have Lisa, Brandi, Adrienne & Kim. And they’re off to the races. Cart vs cart on the Ojai golf course. This is hilarious and finally we’re having some fun. Well, fun for everyone except Kyle who is scared… of course.

After a rousing game of badminton, the ladies head to the spa. OK, now we’re talking. Kim has planned a day of spiritual “reaching up” while rubbing “clay from God” all over themselves. OK, sober Kim is a very interesting person. And I use the term interesting to mean cuckoo bananas. But hey, what’s a little enlightenment between friends? Just not sure what exactly is being enlightened.

Off they go to the kuyam, which is a place to rest together, to rub clay infused with essential oils all over themselves. Hmm… okay… let’s see how this goes. So far so good, especially for Kim who’s moaning and having her own private party. On your own time, Kim. This is information no one at home needs. But self-love time is interrupted by towel & water throwing time which was started by Miss Yolanda. Hey, she can let loose! I’m liking her more & more. Time & place is a concept she seems to understand.

Dinner

Um, TMI.

Rachel: Ruh-roh, time for another dinner party. Let’s see if the women can make it through one meal without drama. The chef comes out and presents the food which looks phenomenal. Then the sommelier comes out and presents a bottle of 1996 Nicholas Feuillatte champagne in a bottle designed by Jean-Paul Gaultier (which can be yours too for a mere $145 here). Hmm… I’m starting to think that my issues with these women getting on my last nerve could be easily alleviated if I had invitations to these dinners. Seriously, I’d be Smiley McPleasant the entire time with a glass of that bubbly in my hands. And since Yolanda isn’t drinking for two more months due to a holistic treatment she’s taking for her back issues, there’s enough for me! Love how that works out. Whoa, rewind. I was so busy lusting over the champagne that I almost missed Yolanda saying that this treatment consisted of injections of cells from a baby lamb fetus. Say what? Um, I think I’d stick with the Motrin, personally.

Conversation turns to children and giving birth. More specifically, how they gave birth – vaginally or c-section. It’s a good thing I’m not trying to eat over here. Why not describe your afterbirth too while you’re at it. I’m not at all queasy from the lamb fetus. Camille is also uninterested in this convo, but for different reasons. Well, I’m assuming different reasons. I’m assuming it’s because she did the surrogate thing and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Yep, that’s what it is. She doesn’t have anything to contribute. I feel ya, sister. No offense to the mommies (though I already know it’ll be taken that way), but sitting through an entire dinner of mommy talk when there are non-mommies at the table like myself is brutally painful. Look, I love me a kiddie, but I don’t want to spend 2 hours at a table discussing all the wonder that is the Bugaboo. Call me a bitch, but I don’t care if you can fold it in one swift motion. Seriously, you’d be annoyed too if you were out to dinner with me & my ad friends and all we talked about was the last shoot we were on and all the issues we had with production. Same thing. Yes, it is. Yes. It. Is.

Drunk & Disorderly

This is what a best seller tastes like, bitch.

Rachel: But let’s take the party back to the house and let the booze flow. Well, for everyone but Yolanda & Kim. Yolanda heads to bed and no one can blame her for not wanting to be around the drunken shenanigans. Well, I can’t and neither can Brandi. Kim also checks out and hits the hay. Unlike Yolanda who doesn’t want to stay, Kim would rather stay but knows she cannot. Good call.

Now that the two Sober Sallies have gone to bed, it’s time to let it all hang out… literally. We start with Taylor & Brandi arm wrestling over who’s the skinniest. Bitches. Ummm… it starts with a kiss from Taylor on Brandi’s lips, moves to Brandi kicking her ass until Taylor cheat, then becomes a wrestling match with Brandi being pinned and ends with a giant hug. Well, it took a hot minute to make them enemies and a hot minute to make them friends… for now. I’m not convinced this is for real.

Next up, Brandi vs Adrienne. This is the oddest version of arm wrestling I’ve ever seen. I’m not sure what Adrienne is doing but it’s not enough to beat Brandi. And with that, hell breaks loose. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I saw Camille bounce her face off the bed and a lot of asses going over heads. Alright, I have to admit it… it looks like a good time. Guess I don’t have a stick up my ass after all…

Going Home

Yolanda is still not amused.

Rachel: Well, another day is upon us and no one is at war. I feel like we should all be tiptoeing around as to not disturb the delicate balance we have here. Kyle thinks that she & Kim not fighting once all weekend is a good thing. Kim thinks it wasn’t a good weekend for them to reconnect as sisters. Oh hey, there’s that stick! It’s up Kim’s ass! Woman, you were a drunk blathering mess for the whole of last season (and season before). When will you take responsibility for how people perceived and treated you because of it? They’ve taken their lumps. Time to take yours. And I don’t mean lumps of meds… but you already knew that, right?

Yolanda makes her appearance and joins Kyle in the kitchen to let her know that she’s already worked out. She also wants Kyle to know that there’s nothing uglier than a drunk woman. Drunk women have no class. Man, every time I think I like Yolanda, she says something that makes me change my mind. I get that you didn’t want to be around the mania. That’s fair. You did the right thing by excusing yourself. But throwing morning guilt and judgement before anyone’s had coffee is also under the banner of ugly.

Time to go home. Let’s see if they can manage to get back to the 90210 in peace. Nope, because Kyle needs to bring up the STFU incident again. Ah yes, the little pot stirrer strikes again. And off they go over who said what and why and how. Adrienne meant one thing. Brandi heard another thing. Misunderstanding punctuated with an f-bomb. Got it. Can we move on now? Well, we can but Brandi thinks she & Adrienne need to have a conversation in private. Yes, please do.

Bottom Line:

Rachel: OK, so it wasn’t as monumentally annoying as I had expected from this evening. Fabulous!

Why You’re Here

We take the best parts of some bad tv, break ‘em down over a few glasses of vino (funny flows better when wine flows freely) and share them with you so you don’t have to waste hours of your life watching on your own. You're welcome.

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