Like this:

Before I go any further, I want to say thank you to Sarsm‘s husband for designing the challenge logo and that freaky snail you met yesterday. Having an identifying image was a great help.

First, some statistics of some of the tasks I completed:

Target: Write 1111 blog posts. Achieved: 2068. No surprise there because I didn’t think it through: counting jokes as posts (I still had to write, prepare and schedule them like ordinary posts), that removes 1001 immediately. All I needed was to write 110 posts in just under three years to succeed.

Target: Try three new foods. Achieved: 8. And I can’t remember any of them, which means I’m not still eating them, which kind of defeats the object of the exercise. Ah well.

Target: Write 1001 new poems.Achieved:1115. 114 over the odds!

Tasks I found both fun and useful:

Learn the names of the New Testament books as they appear.I have known the Old Testament books since I was a child; but I have to sing the list.

Learn the names of all twelve disciples.

Learn the names of all the Kings & Queens of England in chronological order.

Learn the names of all the American Presidents in chronological order.

Learning these lists has given me:

A party piece at last.

A great tool for dealing with the boredom of my daily dog walk.

An excellent distraction technique for anxiety.

A love of lists.

The task I really didn’t expect to complete:

Lose some weight. More than a little; less than a lot. I put it in to pad out the list. I’ve lost 11.5kgs/25.35316lbs. Chuffed! Never before has so much padding led to a lack of padding.

The easiest task:

Target: Watch 101 new films. Achieved:173. Easy! No wonder I didn’t get a job.

The toughest task.

Finding 1001 clean and funny jokes.

The completed task that was really a cheat:

Not play on King.com for a total of 101 days. Which I managed for 498 days. The point of the exercise was not to waste so much time at the computer. I played solitaire instead. Time wasted: lots.

The task I’m most pleased to have completed:

Finish editing SA Poems. I was thrilled to put together my first poetry collection, ready to submit to publishers. I might never have done it if I had not set it as a task.

The task I most enjoyed:

I couldn’t choose just one. I probably wouldn’t have done the first two without this challenge.

Have a go on every item in the new children’s play area in Gorsey Bank Park. [Refresh your memory here] I was giddy with excitement, just like a child. And then furious, because the Hub, instead of photographing the moment when I crashed to the ground from the spider web, rushed over to check if I was hurt.

Learn all the words to the South African National Anthem. Did I mention it’s in five languages?

Go to the theatre. Six months of birthday celebrations and four theatre visits, plus everything Spud starred in. Hooray!

Thank you, readers, for your encouragement and interest in this project. You kept me going.

And more thanks, this time for Sarsm herself, who talked me into doing this challenge. Although determined to finish some of the tasks, I always treated it as fun, and it has exposed me to activities I might never have done without her. Thank you x

That’s it! My 1001 days or 143 weeks or thirty-three months or two-and-three-quarter years of purgatory/fun/must-remember-to-do-something-on-my-list time has reached the end.

So, how did I do?

I didn’t complete all of the challenges – including, Find another 64 challenges for the list. I found 38. Technically, then, this project should have been called 75 Tasks in 1001 Days, but do you really want to argue with a menopausal woman so close to Christmas? I thought not.

There are some I regret not doing:

Get a job. I didn’t.

Leave my poems in 101 locations. (0/101). I didn’t have the guts to be a poetry bomber; it seemed presumptuous to force myself on strangers.

Read 101 new books (84/101). I did a lot of reading, but mostly old favourites.

Like this:

When I set myself the challenge of telling you a joke a day for 1001 days, I’m not sure that I believed I could do it. It seemed like a fun challenge but I can’t say I had a burning desire to complete it. However, I plodded on; sometimes staying up late with a couple of matchsticks and glowing screen; sometimes scheduling them a week in advance. Occasionally, because of computer or internet problems, I posted late…but I never missed a day!

I told puns and one-liners and shaggy dog stories. I shared lists and cartoons. I lifted stories from news sites, comedians, the telly, and other blogs. I told jokes so bad, I had to give you another dozen to disguise them. And I never missed a day.

When I was stuck for a topic, I looked around the room until something caught my eye, then I Googled it: jokes about computers; jokes about dogs; jokes about chairs. I once shared this habit with you and I was challenged to find a joke about orange. I found a hundred. I have to say, I’m probably Google’s biggest fan.

Some of you love the jokes; some of you never read them. I found it arduous at times to come up with something, but I kept on going for the diehards who wanted their joke for the day. Thank you for making me post a joke a day.

There were times when I was ready to jack it in. I have been tired and unwell this year and ready to take a break from blogging, but I had to post a joke a day. I plodded on. Then I hit day 851: the bulk of the challenge was behind me; the end was almost in sight. I was determined to reach the end.

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And I did!

I have to say it – I’m rather impressed with myself. Telling a joke a day doesn’t sound that difficult, but have you tried to find funny, clean jokes on the internet or elsewhere? I swear, there isn’t one topic that cannot somehow be made grubby by those with the will to do it. My eyes dropped and my chin boggled at some of the stuff I was forced to filter on your behalf.

But it was worth it. Searching for laughter is always worth it.

Sharing the laughter – my reader-approved-by-poll tagline – is what this blog is all about and you helped me, beloved readers: you shared your jokes by email, post and comment; you re-blogged and pinned the best jokes; you tut-tutted at the duff puns and gently/forcefully steered me in the direction you wanted me to take.

I have prepared a couple of end-of-challenge posts, to round things off; but there will be no jokes; no posts; no comments after this week.

I apologise to new readers but something’s got to give. I don’t want it to be my sanity.

To soften the blow, I will share my absolute favourite joke from the archive. I laugh out loud every time I read it.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre, followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

Like this:

There was a knock on the door one morning. Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”

After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”

The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me. Nobody ever let me in before.”

Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”

The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

From A Doctor:

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!

From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:

*

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

*

And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:

Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting. It has been my pleasure.

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!” I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW? He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.” I said, “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?” The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’ I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said, ’We’ll start with one.’ He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’

Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?

Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, ‘This is unusual.’ And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said, ’It depends where you’re calling from.’

I rang up a local building firm. I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

Like this:

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery nails.

“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I have to arrest you.”

This Is Me:

I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.

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