I knew things were going rocky for the past few weeks. She was acting suspicious recently, not really suspicious, but things like having a dude move into her apartment that she hadn’t met in person before, not wanting me to come over, the whole not wanting me to touch her bit, not to mention the whole her not telling people online she’s in a relationship. Things that just hurt a lot and didn’t add up.

So I remembered that I had her email password. I know it’s kinda despicable to spy on people. But I needed to know if I was being had. (Like everyone was teling me).

Expecting to see something going on between her and her new move in person, I actually saw an email between her and another person that she chats with constantly with references that were quite a bit more than friendly.

They were love letters.

And then there was another one saying that they were going to go out together.

She takes my money (not small chunks, either, we’re talking rent money here), she takes my computer, and then uses it to meet other guys? And then she thinks that we don’t have a real relationship, we have an open relationship, so it’s not cheating.

It’s like someone repeatedly is punching me right in the chest. Or is throwing bricks at me.

I found this all out shortly before my really brief post last night. I wanted to puke when I read it.

And she still tries to talk to me like everything is all good. All calling me sweetie, and telling me she loves me and stuff.

It makes me sick to talk to her. It really does. I cannot talk to her without lying thru my teeth right now, because what I want to say is not real nice. And that just makes me feel worse.

I need a while of not talking to her — which usually isn’t a problem for her, except she feels it necesary to talk to me at every instant now.

She has to be feeling guilty, because my man, bigPoppaPump, gave her the guilt trip of a lifetime last night but so subversively that there was no way to tell that was what he was doing. So that’s probably why she wants to talk to me last night.

OH and he and Crackbaby decided to tell her that I left the apartment last night all pissed off and didn’t come home, I guess to make her feel guilty or paranoid.

I know I’ve been acting strange to her today when she messaged me and called me because she totally changed my perception of her. I can no longer call her the ‘light of my life’ or any other cheesey lovey dovey things.

Incredibly, though, I’m not depressed. At all. I mean I feel all weird inside, but usually I’d be in the throes of depression at this point. Perhaps as Skunk Girl said, I’m getting stronger.

Or what I don’t want to think is happening is that my heart is getting harder. I’d rather it be the former than the latter.