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Friday, April 18, 2008

Bathtub Epiphanies!

I guess I should take baths more often, because the last few have been rather enlightening!Epiphany:a. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.b. A comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization: "I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual flash that would change the way I viewed myself" ~Frank Maier.

Before I delve into my epiphanies, I would like to say Thank You to all you commenters. Your words were encouraging and caring, thank you. And to those of you who emailed me privately, thank you for being real and telling me I'm not alone. And to that one girl who posted a reply to me on her blog (you know who you are... ahem, Sarah! ;-), definitely some things for me to chew on, I'll comment on yours later!And to that dear husband of mine, who read my post and then called to pray for me, thank you. But, now I know that I can't say anything incriminating against you! ;-D Har Har, never would anyway, nothing to tell!

Okay, here are my thoughts from the tub in random order, some may have been divinely inspired, some not...

I have A LOT to learn from my 5 year old, aptly named Grace. Faith like a child says, receive the forgiveness granted you and go play!

I am still just a babe, learning how to walk and like a babe, will fall many times. He is holding out His hand to help me.

Maybe I've been trying to help myself climb out of the "pit" still, and haven't learned to totally lean and rely and trust in God's strength yet.

I should know better by now, the devil is a scam artist (great analogy, Liz!) and he loves to, among many things: Isolate ~ I am the only one or the worst one dealing with these issues. Debase ~ make God seem powerless in my case, "You are beyond God's help, Christa". Destroy ~ while God says "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer.29:11) the devil may have plans for me as well, plans to destroy my children and beat me down until I am non-existent and ineffective for the Kingdom.

I thought about that nasty old thing called pride last night too. I wanted to end yesterday's post by saying, "Please don't give me any advice, just pray for me" but I left that out and was glad I did because that would have probably been my pride thinking, "I've heard it all, tried it all, there's nothing new you guys can say to me that will help me." I think pride can have two extremes--which I seem to swing between frequently--arrogance and insecurity. At times I think I'm the best wife, mother, Christian... then later will think the exact opposite. Liz, you also said, "The enemy would want to keep you focused inward... " I totally agree! And think that may be all wrapped up in the web of pride as well, where examining self all the time becomes my god. It is ultimately pride when I think that I am such a hopeless mess that THE AllMighty God can not possibly heal me. HA!

In the last six months, I've found great peace in the fact that my girls will know (firsthand!) what it means to forgive and be forgiven. I have had to ask it so darn much! I have also seen how much they have been protected from the angry spirit taking deep root in them. The one question that still trips me up though, is this... will they eventually decide that God is not powerful enough or doesn't really answer? How, when they see me on my knees pleading with God to help me overcome and have self-control, and then I still fail, will they believe? That is what I worry. Lord, help my unbelief.

My final thought came from a library book we were reading today and it perfectly coincided with what you commented, Tiff, about pressing on... "Sooner or later we must all face a defeat. Greatness lives in one who knows how to learn from victory or defeat and goes on to carry out his duty."

What a blessed gal I am, to be surrounded with such wise and considerate ladies!

~christa jean

P.S. I truly intended yesterday's post to be an "expose" and confession, not a feel-sorry-for-Christa-attention-getting-scheme! Just in case you wondered...

P.S.S. I DO NOT excuse my behaviour whatsoever because of the malfunctions happening in my home... the malfunction is in me. Of course, hubby fixed the disposal, the dryer seems to be working... I've just been throwing soap into the dishwasher and being thankful that I don't live in Pioneer days!

4 comments:

Awe! I do love ya! And I love how much we are all learning through your experience. I hope you know that I posted my response on my blog because there was truth I needed to process for myself as well. I really appreciate your example of going to your kids for forgiveness. I have been reflecting on how I have often lashed out towards and/or around them and how infrequently I humble myself and go to them for forgiveness. What a great opportunity to keep myself in check and to teach them about our need to repent and seek forgiveness. Thank you for sharing.... it means so much!

Here is my transformation story, an expose` really. Words. Written on pages in my heart. They flow from my fingers to you. Holding out hope that, in the writing, I will be made whole. And in the reading, you will find rest.