Horse News Potato Salad Recipe: Step 1 Buy a Van
by
Capper General

The Horse-News staff likes to drink. A lot in fact. One night while drinking, one staffer got a raving for potato salad and took to google to acquire a recipe for it. What he found, threw him and his fellow staffers into a drunken fit. Some kid on the internet named "Zach Danger Brown", has raised over $44,000 on Kickstarter so that he can buy some potato salad. Without putting much thought into it, the group came to the conclusion that we should finally actually try to acquire the Horse News Sexy Action News Party Van we've always dreamed about for like a month. More importantly, they decided to volunteer ME to make this happen. Without telling me.

That's right folks, the apex of journalistic integrity is back and looking to bring you more hard-hitting coverage of whatever the fuck we feel like, and this time it's for real. I guess.

Jim and some others put together a GoFundMe page to make our SexyActionNewsVan a reality, and like with all fundraisers there are incredibly valuable rewards you can get in return for giving the dream your hard-earned shekels. So far, 2 people have opted to have me make them drinks. Including PurpleTinker.
Many people have been asking what HN's "Stretch Goals" are for the van (as-in, what will we do if by some unthinkable act, HN actually acquires MORE than $2000 for the project).

After several moments of deep thought, we came up with this list of stretch goals.

Stretch goals

$2000 - We actually get a fucking Van

$2020 - We spraypaint "Horse-News" on the side of the van

$2022.37 - We spraypaint "Free Candy" on the OTHER side of the van.

$2050 - We give candy to children while in the van

$2100 - We get drunk in the news van

$2600 - We afford the gas and insurance for the news van

$2700 - We install a bed in the back of the van

$2900 - We put a kegerator in the Van

$2901 - We "find" a satellite dish and attach it to the roof of the van

$3000 - We put a soundsystem and a beerpong table in the van

$3001.29 - We download the song "Dangerzone" legally on iTunes and circle the Baltimore Convention Center playing it on loop.

$3100 - We install a stripperpole in the van

$3200 - We hire strippers for the stripperpole

$3201 - We tip one stripper

$3202 - We tip the other stripper

$3500 - We cram the van full of spaghetti and use it for the Nightmare Nights Food Drive in the Fall

$5000 - We buy a motorhome instead

$6000 - We attend EVERY CONVENTION ON THE CONTINENT EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

$10,000 We buy some potato salad and eat in near the van.

$10,000,000,000 - Horse News Space Program

So, if you are just overwhelmed with the amount of money in your possession, and feel the need to keep the party alive and support our addictions admire us for our journalistic integrity, feel free to click donate. ISHYGDDT

Still better than potato salad.

Yes, I WILL make a drink for you at a con, just as these other guys promised I would. Without asking me.

When the ride is over the van will be sold and all proceeds will go to charity.

Comments (15)

So wait, you were serving us drinks alongside Mr Buttslapped-by-a-dildo TornadoDoes that mean you were just giving us a taste of what's to come? Were you getting us hooked so you could drop this on us? Are you a drug dealer(yes alcohol is a drug)? Godfukin dammit fine here's some dosh, now gimme my fix man.

We need the fucking space program. Right now Brony Aerospace has a monopoly on the brony space industry. If they don't have any competition then how can we expect them to produce quality pony vectors for the side of their space shuttle? After the article on the obvious portal conspiracy I was worried that Horse News had fallen to that communist nigger piece of shit, but now I see capitalism is alive and well at my favorite news site. Kudos to you, Capper. There has never been a more just reason to make a drink.

If I recall, unlike kickstarter, the person doing the GoFundMe keeps the funds regardless of whether the goal is met. Horse News, if I donate ten bucks, and not enough money is raised for the van, where will the money be going?

So are you legit going to get a van? I would support that...morally not financially of course. But really of all the crowd funding projects out there this is actually not bad by comparision. Horse-news needs to put full effort into promoting this, I think it could actually reach it's goal.

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