Young People Doing Things You Can’t

Occasionally you hear some 25 year old guy complaining about how old he is, and how he needs to find some sort of validation for his life’s existence. Generally after this statement, that same guy downs an entire bottle of Maker’s Mark, and quietly weeps while he masturbates to tranny porn.

I am 23, and I don’t even think 40 is that old, so why do some people insist on behaving like their souls are all weary and weathered? You’re not Charles Bronson yet, so shut the fuck up. The only time I ever empathize with 30 year old geriatrics, is when some young kid who should be in middle school fantasizing about his algebra teacher’s breasts on his face, does something extraordinary, like yesterday. Jordan Romero became the youngest person to climb Mount Everest, at 13; and if that wasn’t enough, has now climbed six out of the Seven Summits. As expected, Jordan has been thrust into the media as a “role model,” and has said that he did this for the children–a la Ol’ Dirty Bastard–to “set an example for them.” So, when kids under 10 start disappearing left and right, because they were kidnapped on their way to Nepal, you know who to blame.

Then there are people like Michael Kearney, armed with good genes and an IQ that’s higher than your daily calorie intake. Michael finished high school at age six, graduated at eight with an Associate of Science from a junior college, and became the world’s youngest university graduate at the age of 10, with a bachelor’s in anthropology. Four years later he got his master’s in biochemistry, and started teaching at a university at the age of 16. How terrible would you feel about yourself, going to college, and being taught shit you’ll never fully comprehend, by some asshole that’s six years younger than you?

It’s not just white Americans either! Balamurali Ambati, hailing from India, became the world’s youngest doctor at age 17. Graduating from NYU at 13, and the Mount Sinai School of Medicine four years later, solidifying his title. He then went on to go to Harvard, and win several prestigious awards I’ve never heard of, and can barely pronounce; like this one. When Harvard wasn’t good enough for him any longer, he moved on to Duke; participating in a fellowship in cornea and refractive surgery. He now teaches doctor-like things at the University of Utah’s School of Medicine.

Last but not least, we have Lina Medina, the youngest overachiever we’ll discuss today. Back before you were even born, Lina was in Peru aiming high, shooting, and bringing home the gold. At the age of five, Lina became the world’s youngest confirmed person to give birth. Medina’s son weighed a healthy six pounds, and was raised believing that he was Lina’s brother. At the age of ten it was revealed to him that Lina was actually his mother, setting him up for severe mental issues for the rest of his adult life. Perhaps being in the dark herself, the circumstances of how she got knocked up have never been known. Lina now lives in a poor town in Peru with her husband, and has had one other child. Story of success, if you ask me.

So, you know what, 25 year old-old people? Complain all you want, because you’re right, you haven’t accomplished shit in your life. Wallow in your own misery for the remainder of your days, and wish for what could have been, I understand. You’ll never be the youngest person to pop one out, or the youngest person to perform a full-body transplant; so what do you even have to live for?