Tuesday, June 5, 2012

What June 5th Means To Me: Game of Assholes

Game Of Thrones -Season Two came to a close this past Sunday (boooo!). Moment of silence please.

I know, Paris, me too

Game Of Thrones is probably filled with the greatest collection of assholes on television. Maybe in history! Seriously, even the good characters are mostly deplorable (Jon Snow, you are excepted...so far). So much so that it could probably be re-titled "Game Of Assholes." Imagine that opening title sequence. But the question of "Who Is The Biggest Asshole On The Show?" is a good one...and one I'll try to answer below:

First! Honorable Mentions:

Littlefinger (I can never trust you), Robb Stark (you could be a little nicer to your own mother), The Unseen Dothraki Who Cut The Head Of The Dude On The Horse (how dare you kill the blood of my blood!), The Spice King, The Weather in the North (cold), Wildfire, The Dude Who Sleeps With His Daughters and Kills His Sons, The Red Waste (hot), and The "One Or Two" Guys Who Tried To Sleep With Briene Years Ago For Shits And Giggles.

On To The Top Five Biggest Assholes In Season Two Of Game Of Thrones!

5) Melisandre

Ah, you came into this season with your ginger hair, blustering about Gods, and power, and then you had to kill off one of the show's best, Renly, with your crazy vagina monster. But all that, of course, does not catapult you into the top five alone ... making Stannis relevant does. You with your prophecies and promises motivated the most boring and uninspired character to take a shot at the throne, and took us away from more enjoyable plotlines. Of all the throne's suitors, Stannis is the Mitt Romney. I half expected him to take over King's Landing by buying it through Bain Capital. And even his defeat at the hand of the Lannister army didn't deter your passion for the passionless leader, as you made him stare into some prophetic fire bullshit and alluded to the fact we'll be seeing more of him in coming seasons. Wench!

4) Xaro and Pyat Pree of Qarth

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Ah, these two forgot to study their bible. Most notably, the 8th commandment: "Thou shall not steal...the Khaleesi's dragons!" Xaro, how dare you try to entice the Khaleesi into your arms with riches you don't have, slay many of her followers, then sleep with her hand maiden! Pyat, how dare you lock her in the top of your evil spirit tower like she's sleeping beauty, and try to trick her with images of the dead Khal. Though how cool was it when she broke free and stormed into Xaro's room, covered in her dragons, with her army in tow. After she locked Xaro in his impenetrable safe, I half expected her to spin like Michael Jackson and moonwalk on outta there.

Though, Pyat, if you loan me your ultra cool spirit house for Halloween, you're off the list.

3) Cersei Lannister

Ah yes, you find yourself at number three despite your nice cheekbones. I know it's hard being the Queen of the seven kingdoms! It's difficult having a schmuck for a son. And it's painful to know that your lover, who is also your brother, is a prisoner of the Starks. It's a rough life for you! But why do you have to be so mean to Tyrion? Blaming him for the death of your mother during a difficult childbirth? Cold Trying to have him killed? Ice cold! Plus, he's a little person! Did you always pick on the physically weakest? Yes, Tyrion is the only one who can match your cunning wit, but this should be celebrated! You should work together! Instead, you're a dastardly cunt. And stop referring to Sansa's period as her "red flower." My God, I cringe.

2) Theon Greyjoy

A bit of an upset this season! Would have never expected Theon to make the list way back in April. It's tough being you, Theon Greyjoy. You were a prisoner since you were a child, and then were told how lucky you were to be a prisoner. When you finally came home to the Iron Islands, you were shunned by your own father. You feel you have no family and desperately want to belong somewhere. I get it. But you ransacked your adopted home, killed many of its nobles, burned and hung two innocent children, bullied a crippled child out of Winterfell, and fingered your sister. Oh, and you made fun of that poor girl's teeth who lives in the bottom of the ship. C'mon. There may be hope for you yet if you don't spend season three at the bottom of the Iron Sea, but you've done well to earn a spot in the top two this season.

1) King Joffrey

Congrats Joffrey, you're the biggest asshole in Westeros! Two years running, actually! If you weren't forcing hookers to beat each other with sharp spikes, you were enjoying bossing around warriors in your constantly cracking voice. If you weren't cowering from battle at your mother's request, you were bitching that everyone in town should be killed because one guy threw fruit at you. If you weren't neglecting Tyrion's sound advice, you were ordering the killing of every bastard in Kings Landing (even babies) to protect your power because you're an inbred little shit. And it's annoying to watch you slump in your throne like a dickhole, giving orders to your grandfather and mother who don't take your power all that seriously. Oh, and you're a little cunt to Sansa. Your day will come! And I will enjoy watching you die, and I hope it happens slowly!

2 comments:

As I mentioned in my GoT blog post (Shameless plug!: http://www.alannoah.com/2012/06/05/game-of-thrones-season-2/), Cersei being a woman who sleeps with one brother while trying to kill another has got to be a television first. Groundbreaking!