six months. no dating. no sex. more of everything else.

BREAK

I'M

Two Truths and a Lie

Updated: Apr 27, 2019

A couple of weeks ago, I took a class to NYC for a travel study over spring break. The class topic is “Immigration.” We spent several weeks before the trip studying the history of US Immigration Policy as well as current events, and then packed up our shit and flew to New York. I was nervous about it. I’ve never traveled with students before. How was I supposed to keep track of that many people? What would I do if something happened to one of them? What if they snuck out at night and we didn’t know where to find them? How would I pretend that my feet weren’t in agony from walking that much every day when they were definitely going to be in agony?

Our schedule was intimidating. We were only there for four days, but we packed in several museums, neighborhood walking tours, amazing restaurants, meeting with the Commissioner of Immigrant Affairs, Ellis Island, The Statue of Liberty, etc. etc. etc. It was BUSY time. It was an excellent time.

Except for the very last day when I tripped backwards over some concrete and pulled a muscle and couldn’t walk and was in crazy pain. Luckily, I wasn’t planning to go home with my students. I had plans to stay in the area and meet up with some friends of mine in New Jersey.

According to my chiropractor, pulling my piriformis muscle led my sacroiliac joint to sort of seize up. The actual physiological processes involved are a bit elusive to me (like what makes a joint stop moving? Is it stuck up in there somehow? Or are the muscles around it too tense to move or something? IDK). The pain, though, is not elusive. It hurts to step on it or to move it wrong. Mostly, when I stay off of it, it’s not bad. But if I’m on my feet a lot during a day, or moving around, bending over, walking, or doing pretty much any normal-person thing to do, it seems to get aggravated. Hopefully that goes away soon.

If you had asked me why I haven’t written a new blog post in a month, I would say I was traveling for about a week of it and the pre-travel prep as well as the post-travel recovery have been exhausting.

Truth: the larger reason for putting off my writing, however, is that I don’t think I should have cheated on my break. As much as I want to tell myself that it was fine, that it didn’t interfere with my progress or my goals, the truth is I think maybe it did. It’s a hard reality to navigate and it’s all still a nasty foggy mess in my head.

Questions to ask myself:

1. Do you feel emotional attachment to The Comedian?

2. Do you feel any kind of need for The Comedian?

3. Do you miss The Comedian and/or wish he would come back?

4. Do you even like him?

No. The answer to all of those questions is NO.

So then why did I spend two weeks checking his Facebook and looking at his tour schedule to see if he’d be coming through town again and wondering whether or not he would wish me a happy birthday last weekend…after all, I wished him happy birthday two weeks ago.

Why. I have no idea. It wasn’t even that good of a time. It was fine. It was nothing special. It was comfortable and no big deal. So why do I feel this weird attachment to somebody that I don’t even want around? There’s something else happening.

Truth 1: I felt actual disappointment knowing he wasn’t going to be coming back through town.

Truth 2: I don’t really want to see him again.

Lie: I don’t want to date right now.

Cold hard truth: my therapist, my friends, and all of the internet tell me that as soon as I stop looking for it, wanting it, waiting for it, trying to find it, it will come. Part of me does not feel like I’m ready to date. I’m too raw. I don’t want to feel the disappointment of any hurt feelings (inevitable) right now. However, the other part of me feels like by taking this break, it’s almost like I’m trying to trick the universe into giving me what I actually want: a relationship that doesn’t end right away with somebody who actually gives a fuck and isn’t going to split the second life is hard.

I feel two opposite truths colliding. I feel guilty for lying to myself. I also feel pretty good about not dating. But I also want to find my person. But I also feel scared about dating. But I also want to fall asleep with somebody and trust somebody and cuddle with somebody and cook dinner with somebody and have a go-to person. But I also want to live in my own single-person filthy apartment. But I also want to travel without having to check in with anybody or ask anybody’s permission or be concerned about the other person while I’m gone. But I also want somebody to travel with.

What I want: my freedom.

Also what I want: a child.

What I want: everything and nothing.

What to do about it:

1. Continue being alive and hope it works out

2. Eat carbs

3. Write

4. Make pottery

5. Not get discouraged or scold myself when I see somebody hot and notice that they’re hot and want to catch their eye or put myself in their path because I’m (supposed to be) Taking A Break From All This Nonsense.

6. Watch Game of Thrones

Truth 1: I don’t know what to do about it

Truth 2: I, like so many other people, feel like it probably just won’t happen for me

Lie: I believe those things are absolutely true

Truth 1: I feel like I spend a lot of time whining

Truth 2: I am lonely most of the time

Lie: I don’t think I use too many “I” statements

Truth 1: I do feel like people don’t want to be with me as much as they want to be with other people

Truth 2: I think I have a lot to offer and am actually really good in relationships

Lie: I’ll be fine if I never find somebody

Truth 1: I am trying to convince myself that I want this break more than I do