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Thursday, 07 February 2008

Dawg, We Is Underscrewed

SEK walks into the liquor store and sees a painfully white undergrad, on his phone, trying to return fifteen or so bottles of prohibitively expensive liquor. On the counter are bottles Bruichladdich, Glenmorangie, Gran Patrón Platinum, Johnnie Walker Blue, Chopin, Neisson Reserve, and Grey Goose. More bottles are on the floor. The UNDERGRAD explains his situation to the CASHIER:

Undergrad: No dawg, you don't get it. Them bottles wasn't for drinking. They were behind the bar, yo, to impress the ladies. But we served them shit.

Cashier: So you wanted your bar to look stocked and—

Undergrad: Now you feelin' me, dawg. (thumps chest and points at CASHIER) So yo, see, we put all this shit on our plastic and now we need to return it. We had to impress, yo, so— (points at bottles).

Undergrad: Not open? Hold on now. (into phone) Says they need be not opened. (listens) That's what he say. (still listening) Hold on. Let me gets clarifyification. (to CASHIER) So now you saying these need be not opened? (CASHIER nods) That's not what we just now agreed on when you said we cool. Now you say we not? (into phone) Now he say we not cool. (listens) That's what he say. (listens) No, dude, now we not cool. (listens) Shit, hold on, I'll explain. (to CASHIER) So you know we had, see, you know we had to make it seems like we wasn't just stocked for the party. (CASHIER nods) Had to make seem like we always rolling, so my boy (points at phone) underscrewed some of them tops and corks and shit. But nobody drank none. (loud tinny sounds from phone)

Cashier: (reaches for a box of Johnnie Walker Black) So you just unscrewed this is what you're saying?

Cashier: I didn't accuse you of anything, but now that you mention it, I have an open bottle of Black back here. (brandishes two snifters) I pour some from mine here and some from yours here, they gonna taste the same?

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Tracked on Monday, 11 February 2008 at 04:13 AM

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Well, chutzpah's not dead yet. But the educational system has some 'splainin' to do....

Chutzpah dead? In Orange County? No such dice. Though technically speaking, it's less chutzpah than rank stupidity. I mean, the guy who runs the liquor store would never be able to tell the difference between the stuff behind the glass and the cheap stuff. Never.

Glad to see Philly is not the only place where "painfully white" young men do the "H-Dog" diction thang. I was witness to a customer endlessly haranguing a comic-shop clerk about how comics are much better without plots 'cause then the Hulk get to smash more shit, all in faux-AfAm vernacular.

I had a difficult time figuring out 1) what he said and 2) how to transcribe it. I think it was more like "clarifyingification," only with "g" elided. But he certainly did say "underscrewed," as Mike -- the cashier -- stressed the "un" when he responded.

I'm actually more impressed the person behind the counter was able to reference "Pepsi Challenge"...

The cashier, Mike, is older than I am. (He's also the part-owner, but I thought too much detail to stuff into the opening exposition.)

I was sure that cashier-undergrad exchange was headed toward a "dialect" problem, with the cashier having an Apoo-like accent. Still, this is quite funny. ...I wonder if that was Kevin Federline? I mean, you are near L.A. - TL

It's nice to see that higher education is going so well in Irvine. I'm sure his parents are happy with his language development and his honesty. Nice to see the younger generation is better then the one before it.