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The Perfect Gift for Fat Men in Your Life: Fake Abs

I plan on drinking a lot tonightlater today right now, and then soaking it all up over the next 36 hours by consuming my body weight in potatoes and tofurkey. [The author, pictured at right.] This is surely going to make me fat. Uh oh! I have a very important casual brunch meeting on Sunday with some very stylish crime fighting supermodels from California—I can’t appear to be fat for a meeting like this! WHAT AM I TO DO?!1!? Luckily for me, British company ASDA recently released a body sculpting t-shirt/girdle that hides the paunch with reinforced “elastane” panels and presents an impressive six pack to the world. The t-shirt also claims to hide “moobs” (man boobs).

Thanks ASDA! Now I am sure to bed at least three of these crime fighting supermodels (“No, no. The t-shirt stays on baby.”)

ALSO: Do not, under any circumstance, do a Google image search for “moobs.” [You clicked, didn’t you?]