January 16, 2018

Verbal Self-Defense Made Easy (and it's your perfect right)

For decades, psychologists and communications experts have been telling you that you have a perfect right to verbally push back.

The trick is doing that in an effective manner.

That means holding back any and all emotion (at least the unnecessary kind). Your focus is total problem-solving. The problem you need to solve is terminating the verbal abuse by X or Y.

None of this is rocket science.

Actually, there are several key phrases which you should carry with you in-person, online, and on-the-phone. Experience proves out that leveraging these phrases usually will not only stop the verbal harassment. It will send the clear message: You made a big mistake messing with me.

Among the 5 most successful phrases are:

That wasn't necessary. The miscreant notes that you have gained weight. That creep will never try such an assault again.

Thank you. That is the universal neutral statement to deliver when anyone is giving feedback or advice which isn't wanted or helpful. Maybe not even appropriate. The neighbor who knows nothing about your roofing business hammers you with recommendations for sponsoring a special event. At it, you can answer questions about roofing. The reality is that you've been around for 30 years and 98% of new assignments come in through word of mouth.

You are probably trying to be helpful but I find what you said intrusive - and, no, not helpful. A former close friend who had faded into someone listed on your Facebook page plays Freud. She calls to warn you not to even consider moving 20 miles north to an apartment by a lake. That's because, according to her, you have a track record for running from your life.

I'm not comfortable having this conversation. The office pest barges into your cubicle with the latest gossip about the new manager. You know any association you have with any rumors is dangerous. Immediately, you must shut this down. Say it loud enough for others to hear.

The police department instructed me to tell you that I do not want any communication with you. Now that I have said this, any further communication can be treated as harassment and legal action will be taken. That big ammo is brought in when the situation has gone beyond merely annoying.

As you build up your confidence in your ability to defend yourself verbally, your presence will reinforce those words. Eventually, that presence alone could prevent abuse.