6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

A group of High School classmates gather to discuss where they should meet for their 20th reunion. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Flyway Restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and the waiters are swelt and handsome.
>
>
> 10 years later, for their 30th reunion, the classmates gather and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Flyway Restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
>
> 10 years later for their 40th reunion the group gathers and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Flyway Restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
>
> 10 years later, for their 50th reunion the group gathers again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Flyway Restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
>
> 10 years later, for their 60th reunion the group gathers again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Flyway Restaurant because they have never been there before.
>

Eye Chart to Torture Old Men

b

Timely Humor and Cartoons

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 30th high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "Oh my goodness!" said my wife. "Who'd think a person could go on celebrating that long?"...see, there really are two ways to look at everything!

Bob hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

HOOKED ON PHONICS A first grader was asked to describe what he saw in a wildlife picture. "A freakin elephant" he replied. When asked why he called it "a freakin elephant" he said that's what it says beneath the picture-- "AFRICAN ELELPHANT."

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you're thinking.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

A lady went to the new dentist in town. She immediately recognized him as a fellow classmate from her graduation class that she had adored from afar because he was so handsome and well built. However, now he was bald and overweight. She pondered how unkind time had been to him but so unaffecting to her. She said to him "you probably don't remember me, but you were in one of my classes in high school". He looked at her and said "What class did you teach?"

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The courtesy out of driving, The romance out of love, The commitment out of marriage, The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family, The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism, The Golden Rule from rulers, The nativity scene out of cities, The civility out of behavior, The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment, The prudence out of spending, The ambition out of achievement, or,God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? or O Canada Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention, on veterans day and our great country's birthday . YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

Now- Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

Observations on Growing Older ---

~It's harder to tell navy from black!
~Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around!
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!
..but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Yellow becomes the big color...walls...hair...teeth!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"!
~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels ...flights.
~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
`~The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.
~You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth!
~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.
~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you cared to do,you don't care to do,but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep"
~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married. Now, " I hope they STAY married!"
~The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom...you have his full attention.
`Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
`You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~When GOOGLE.ipod.email.modem .were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
~You use more 4 letter words..."what?"..."when?" ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
~Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
~Your concealer doesn't conceal.
~Your lipstick bleeds.
~Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.
~You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired ...you'd give anything if he'd find a job!
`You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....2 of which you will never wear.
~~~~But old is good in some things:...old songs...old movies
And best of all OLD FRIENDS

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.''C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !

'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, woreLevis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only atSears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.

The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home.. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers--my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at6AMevery morning.

On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favourite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without 20 profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.Ignition switches on the dashboard.Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.Real ice boxes.Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.Older Than Dirt Quiz :

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with collared sugar water3. Candy cigarettes4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers7. Party lineson the telephone8. Newsreels before the movie9. P.F. Flyers10. Butch wax11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels[if you were fortunate])12. Peashooters13. Howdy Doody14. 45 RPM records15.S&H greenstamps16. Hi-fi's17. Metal ice trays with lever18. Mimeograph paper19. Blue flashbulb20. Packards21. Roller skate keys22.Corkpopguns23. Drive-ins24. Studebakers25. Wash tub wringersIf you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

Sbumitted by Ron Barnes (66)

·

Wisdom
From Grandpa - -
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
Rates And blamed it on the cost of living.

Remember,If you haven't got a smile on your face
And laughter in your heart,
Then you are just a sour old fart!"Have a Great Day, unless you've made other plans".

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.