With Flagging Attendance, Astros Play the Jesus Card

While listening to the Astros-Giants tilt yesterday afternoon on the ol' satellite radio, I heard the Houston radio guys chatting up an upcoming promotion at Minute Maid Park called
"Faith and Family Night". I don't know who Faith is or why she's bringing her family to the ballpark or why this is so exciting, so I hit up astros.com to find out:

The Astros have teamed up with Third Coast Sports Foundation to bring you Faith and Family Night featuring Steven Curtis Chapman at Minute Maid Park on Saturday, August 16.

Oh cute, a Christian rock concert. I've heard of this Steven Curtis Chapman fella and he's sure made a ton of dough over the years singing about Jesus. Those folks in Texas will eat that shit up. What else is going down on Faith and Family Night?

2:45 PM: Faith and Family Night program will begin with a player testimonial by Astros first baseman and five-time All-Star, Lance Berkman.

Oh...well...that's nice, I suppose. Nice to see that Fat Elvis believes in all that good Jesus stuff and whatnot. But this is beginning to sound less like a baseball game and more and more like a tent revival. Testimonial? Is that shorthand for 'fundraising appeal'? Anything else happening before the baseball game?

Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato from the hit animated series VeggieTales will be on hand to take pictures with fans.

HOLY SHIT! RUN AWAY! ANTHROPOMORPHIC VEGETABLES WILL EAT YOUR BRAIN! Seriously, Christians speak out against sex in movies but they'll let a fucking cucumber teach their kids about the Holy Spirit? I'm not too familiar with Scripture, but if I had to guess, walking and talking tomatoes are probably the work of the Devil and most likely a sign of the coming apocalypse.

A Christian Rock group making money for singing is no different than Al Gore making tons of money and politcal capital off of "Global Warming" or Rage Against the Machine raging against corporations while being singed by sony records and making a ton of money for it.

"...and then I prayed and prayed that God would build me a ballpark where I could slap pop-ups into the left field seats for homeruns and next thing you know, boom!, the crawford boxes! So, you know, God is pretty cool with me..."

Christian rock bands unknowingly prove that there is no God. Because if there were a higher power, he/she would either give those who are singing and praising him/her some fucking talent or strike them dead for being so damned awful.

The religion in the songs aside, speaking only musically, I would rather listen to someone beat a goat with an old fan belt than have to hear contemporary christian music or whatever they call it.

I think the Royals are getting this in a few days, too. Except I think Faith + 1 may be opening:

Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.