HUDSON COUNTY -- Welcome to another recap of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey," the reality show everyone loves to pretend they don't watch when they really do. (And come on -- no, your wife doesn't MAKE you watch it, Mr. Macho.) Since more and more of the cast is moving to Hoboken, we'll keep recapping the show each week.

Now then...

The birds and the bees

Teresa and Joe Giudice's second oldest daughter, Gia, is about to have her twelfth birthday party. So Joe sits down to tell her about the birds and the bees. He says not to let a boy kiss her. "It's disgusting," he says. Gia complains that her younger sister, Milania, made fun of her body. "She said I had a hairy grill," Gia says. "What's that, hairy teeth?" Joe asks.

Come on, even we in the audience used context clues to figure that one out. Joe finally gets it. "It's part of puberty," he says consolingly.

Then Teresa tells us, "She walked in on me and Joe!"

Wow, what were the chances that Gia would happen to walk in during that one particular minute?

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with that. Jacqueline once claimed that Teresa herself walked in on Joe.

A few minutes earlier in the episode, Teresa said, "When she's old enough I'm taking her to a doctor. If she's not a virgin, I'll disown her." Okay...but...

....eventually we get to see Gia's specially made birthday cake. And it's...wait for it...not some cuddly cartoon character. Not a balloon. Not Fudgie the Whale.

The cake is...a big pair of lips.

What's up with these "adults" and their mixed messages? At least Melissa Gorga improves the class level by wearing black leather pants to the birthday party. Uh huh.

And oh yes, let's talk about the birthday party. Weren't there news reports last year that the Giudices had financial problems? Apparently they weren't so bad, because their daughter, one of four kids, gets an expensive birthday party just for turning twelve. Bah. My parents ordered a Cookie Puss and called it a day.

Teresa takes the opportunity of a kid's birthday party to ask Melissa why it took her four days to visit Teresa's sick dad in the hospital. Talk about a loaded question. Melissa has an obvious alibi. She was getting into her pants!!

In another scene, Teresa tells us, "When my parents are not here anymore, my most important relationship will be with my brother."

Hey Tre, aren't you forgetting a few people?

Meanwhile, back at the Dukes' farm...

Meanwhile, Jacqueline Laurita asks Caroline Manzo why Teresa needs them to keep intervening in the ongoing family argument between her and Joe. Attention Jacqueline, it was Joe Gorga that seemed to want Caroline to intervene this time. Or really, it was probably Andy Cohen and the producers at Bravo. Ratings! Ratings!

In other news, one of Caroline's sisters, Frances, is living in her house in Franklin Lakes (while Caroline and Albert "try out" a Hoboken apartment) and Frances is an animal lover. So she has a potbelly pig roaming the grounds. The pig's name is Moo Shu. Chris Manzo meets the piggy, then says that he just ate Chinese food. Frances says that maybe the pig will make him reconsider eating Chinese food in the future. Chris says, "In fact, I kinda want it more now."

And we thought he was the sensitive one! Chris, you just lost the affection of all the cute vegetarian girls in Hoboken. Rookie mistake, dude.

Caroline says she might go to Hoboken to escape the pig. Careful, Big Red...this town's about to be full of deep mud very soon.

Joe Gorga has been sick. "I had some soup. It came out my a--," he says. Later, he says, "I gotta put a plug in my a--."

Okay...and how about one for your mouth?

For more news and entertainment in Hoboken and Hudson County, New Jersey, keep reading hudsonreporter.com.

NJ HOUSEWIVES WHAT CAN WE SAY, I THINK EVERY JERSEY GIRL/WOMAN I KNOW WATCHES THE SHOW, BECAUSE FAMILY WISE , WE CAN ALMOST RELATE. I TRY TO LIKE THERESA, I TRY TO FIND ONE GOOD QUALITY A SHOW, BUT THE WOMAN IS A IDIOT, A COMPLETE, DUMB AS A ROCK, SQUEAKY VOICE IDIOT