Somehow my family thought Texas was a good place to visit this holiday season. I, of course, was outvoted on that one. But a vacation's a vacation, so for the week starting Boxing Day, yours truly will be deep in the horror primeval that is the Lone Star State.

Any survival tips? Should I start practicing to cover up my accent? Eating 17 pounds of beef with every meal to prepare my poor GI tract? Buy as many guns as fit in my pants pockets? Remember to take the Cuban goods out of my travel bag before entering the US this time?

...

Incidentally, aren't some of you scattered around there? Let me know if you'd like to say hi, maybe we can work something out.

(08-12-2015 09:43 AM)cjlr Wrote: Somehow my family thought Texas was a good place to visit this holiday season. I, of course, was outvoted on that one. But a vacation's a vacation, so for the week starting Boxing Day, yours truly will be deep in the horror primeval that is the Lone Star State.

Any survival tips? Should I start practicing to cover up my accent? Eating 17 pounds of beef with every meal to prepare my poor GI tract? Buy as many guns as fit in my pants pockets? Remember to take the Cuban goods out of my travel bag before entering the US this time?

...

Incidentally, aren't some of you scattered around there? Let me know if you'd like to say hi, maybe we can work something out.

(08-12-2015 09:43 AM)cjlr Wrote: Somehow my family thought Texas was a good place to visit this holiday season. I, of course, was outvoted on that one. But a vacation's a vacation, so for the week starting Boxing Day, yours truly will be deep in the horror primeval that is the Lone Star State.

Any survival tips? Should I start practicing to cover up my accent? Eating 17 pounds of beef with every meal to prepare my poor GI tract? Buy as many guns as fit in my pants pockets? Remember to take the Cuban goods out of my travel bag before entering the US this time?

...

Incidentally, aren't some of you scattered around there? Let me know if you'd like to say hi, maybe we can work something out.

Just make sure your stagecoat isn't robbed by desperados, okay?

I've been practicing reloading a blunderbuss with my other hand on the reins.

(08-12-2015 09:43 AM)cjlr Wrote: Somehow my family thought Texas was a good place to visit this holiday season. I, of course, was outvoted on that one. But a vacation's a vacation, so for the week starting Boxing Day, yours truly will be deep in the horror primeval that is the Lone Star State.

Any survival tips? Should I start practicing to cover up my accent? Eating 17 pounds of beef with every meal to prepare my poor GI tract? Buy as many guns as fit in my pants pockets? Remember to take the Cuban goods out of my travel bag before entering the US this time?

...

Incidentally, aren't some of you scattered around there? Let me know if you'd like to say hi, maybe we can work something out.

WHERE in Texas? Austin is relatively liberal, and to a lesser extent the other big cities, but the rural areas are nutso.

Don't bother to cover up your accent. Texans can tell a phony. (This includes Oklahomans and Coloradans.)

Definitely bring a lot of guns. The TSA is always looking to make new friends. That's the Theater-Security Administration... er, the Transportation Security Administration. Their job is to make people feel safer about the possibility of terrorists hijacking planes with lots of searches of baggage and people, confiscations of shampoo, and other invasions of privacy that have been shown, through repeated tests, to be ineffective at keeping terrorists off planes. Going through one of their metal detectors with a bunch of guns all Matrix-style? DEFINITELY going to get you in a long conversation in the security office at the airport. Also, don't padlock your luggage unless you want to lose the padlock. ... and don't have any valuables in your bags. Alternatively, buy your guns here. I guarantee that buying a gun in Texas will be easier than buying a gun... pretty much anywhere else. Probably cheaper, too. Your accent will clearly mark you as a foreigner, but buy five dozen guns and you just might get adopted.

Meat's going to be an essential part of your diet outside of the big cities. In them you get businesses able to accommodate or even specialize in serving vegetarians. Outside of them? MEAT.

Okay, some more practical recommendations.

(1) Make sure you have regional power adapters for all electrical gizmos you're bringing with you.
(2) Figure out what the hell international roaming is going to cost you on your cell phone and internet BEFORE you get billed.
(3) Look up your country code. Know how to dial home internationally.
(4) Know the number and location of your nearest embassy. You shouldn't need it, but you should have it in case you do need it.
(5) If you're bringing DVDs with you for family movie night, know that they probably won't work in the local players.
(6) Trolling the natives with science, accurate history, or accurate understanding of the law is probably safer than you think, provided you don't do it near a church or on people's doorsteps. (Warning: You will always be near a church.) Expect to get yelled at, but it's doubtful anyone will draw on you.
(7) Check your skin color. The darker you are, the nicer you have to be to cops and the more you should avoid them. But be nice regardless if you don't want to get tased. Most cops are actually pretty well-mannered, reasonable, responsible, and measured, but it's the 5% you have to look out for. Unlike in other countries, those 5% are not clearly delineated with alternating yellow and black stripes, so treat all cops carefully.
(8) Know where to get currency exchanged and traveler's checks cashed, or money transferred, or whatever system you're using. Know what their hours are.
(9) Have a list of two or three backup hotels handy in case something happens to your reservations.
(10) Bring a few extra changes of clothes and have plans for in case you're trapped in the airport a few extra days due to weather or some other disaster. Again it's unlikely, but it's also something to be ready for.