Ha ha!

You certainly never know what movie he'll review next!

Monday, 11 November 2013

Burl reviews The Hunted! (1995)

Hi, hi, it’s Burl! It’s another action picture review today,
and the action picture in question is the slightly bizarre mid-90s oddbird The Hunted, which, believe it or not,
ol’ Burl caught in the theatre way back when! Yes, this is the movie which
features both Christopher Lambert and swords, but rarely in the same shot! Ha
ha, there can be only one in-deed!

Being as it comes from the director of Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, it should be no
surprise that the movie is weird! It’s weird in a different sort of way though!
For instance, when you hire an actor years past his sell-by date, whose most
renowned work is in a beloved sword movie – Highlander,
for those not in the know – and then spend most of the picture having him
simply cower in the corner while others do the swordfights, you’re being a
little bit perv*rse!

Lambert plays Paul, a New York necktiesman with a heavy
French accent doing computer chip business in a Tokyo that seems populated
largely by Chinese people! He h*oks up with beautiful Joan Chen for a night of
l*ve, but is surprised when suddenly some ninjas appear and chop off her head!
They try to kill Paul too, but he survives, which makes head ninja John "The Moderns" Lone
very, very angry! Paul becomes the Hunted of the title, and surely the ninjas
would have got him too, if not for the sudden appearance of a crabby swordsman
and his wife, who make it their mission to use Paul as bait so they can get
that John Lone!

Any review of this picture will tell you that it peaks
around the midpoint with a massacre on a bullet train! The ninjas slaughter
everyone, car by car, on their way to get Lambert, but the frowny-face samurai
gets in their way! Ha ha, it’s pretty great how he strolls insouciantly through
the cars and puts a savage poking on all the ninjas, staining their
sandy-coloured daytime outfits a spreading crimson! And there’s a nasty
ladyninja who, after losing her battle against the grumpus, shaves her face off
for honour! Yikes, ha ha!

The movie slumps a bit after that, though there’s certainly
more swordplay to come! The cringing Lambert eventually takes a bit of
desultory training from a drunk, and is able to hold his own against Lone once
the latter has been so gravely wounded by others that he’s barely able to
stand! The picture ends with a headchopping that would do Highlander proud!

As I’ve mentioned in a few different ways, this is a
slightly strange movie! It’s got some action scenes, but still somehow doesn’t
qualify as an action movie! I’d maybe call it a ninja drama! Lambert’s
character is even less heroic and skilled in the martial arts than Jack Burton
in Big Trouble in Little China, but
unlike that fine picture, this isn’t a knowing satire on the very concept of
heroism and its inversely proportionate relationship with attitude! I believe, in fact, that it’s meant as a serious look at the ninja-samurai rivalry
Japan was still grappling with in 1995! Ha ha!

It’s enjoyably trashy while it’s on – and mark Burl,
friends, there’s real value in that! – but totally forgettable when it’s not!
Many of the plot points and character motivations are utterly inscrutable! It’s
trying, I assume, to be an updated version of that terrific Mitchum picture The Yakuza, but it ends up being
something else completely! It's got a few obvious matte paintings (which I always like to see, ha ha!) and a wonderfully horrible morphing effect! As you can see from the poster, it strives for a classy patina it simply doesn't earn! I recommend it, though! I’m going to give The Hunted two pink-handled samurai
swords!