Monday, August 14, 2017

Local Bats Angered At Racial Slur

Forks, WA

An attorney defending three local kittens in a robbery case apologized yesterday for saying his clients' behavior regarding the crime was "bat-shit crazy."

A group of local Vampire Bats, noting that "bat-shit crazy" is a derogatory slur against those of Chiropterian descent, are up in arms and say lawyer Tyrone, a 5-year-old Domestic Short Hair, should have been more sensitive.

The three kittens on trial, Diva, Ben, and Smudge, are all 6-month-old Domestic Short Hairs. They stand accused of felony charges of breaking and entering at a house in Forks, where they reportedly stole over 6 kilos of pure cane sugar.

"It's something that is clearly offensive to my race," District Attorney Herman, who is a 3-year-old Vampire Bat, stated to the Gazette.

The triplets are accused of stealing over 6 kilos of sugar

Tyrone the Cat, the 6-year-old Domestic Short Hair defending the kittens, who graduated Yale, summa cum laude, with a degree in Criminal Law, said he wasn't familiar with that particular epithet and said he had intended no offense.

"It was just a remark, and sadly, it was ill chosen by me due to the fact it was offensive to some persons, specifically the District Attorney, who is also a bat," Tyrone said. "That was entirely unintentional, and I am so truly sorry for it."

Tyrone further stated that he was simply trying to get the idea out to the jury that what the kittens had done clearly had no motive and was, in fact, bat-shit crazy, and that the words just ‘flew’ from his mouth.

Tyrone said the words accidentally ‘flew’ from his mouth

One other Vampire Bat (who refused to be named) was sitting as a member of the jury and said when he heard the racial slur, he lowered his head in shame at the outright humiliation it caused him.

District Attorney Herman asked that the jury be ‘dismissed with prejudice’ and the case be retried in a new jurisdiction free from an environment of bat-hate.

“No one should have to work in the kind of environment where racial slurs are thrown at you left and right,” he stated. “If you can’t say ‘retarded’ anymore then why should you be allowed to say ‘bat-shit crazy?’ It is a negative and presumptuous reflection on my culture.”

Diva insists “I am not bat-shit crazy”

Some city leaders in ClallamCounty have been accused of having anti-bat leanings in the past and this recent event has only heated up arguments between the two cultures.

Nearly 240 Vampire Bats lined the streets outside the Clallam County Courthouse this morning with signs to protest after hearing about the incident.

Tyrone said repeatedly that he only intended to imply that the kittens had acted out in a ‘crazy’ way and stated that for anyone to infer from his comment that all bats are crazy was not intended.