Beach Balls

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They stop already long baseball games when they fall to the field and are the only reason grown men decide to leave their seats. They are beach balls, and we all act like we are seeing them for the first time the second we enter the stadium turnstile.

Getting bopped on the head with a beach ball on any other day and you might get fairly aggravated. However, hit up the 99 cent store before the game and blow up your own and you are a damn hero at the stadium.

I have never seen adults go from annoyed to elated quicker than when a beach ball falls in their lap at a game. Suddenly they stop griping about all those fans who aren't watching the game because of the beach ball to stop and hit the beach ball they are suddenly holding.

I could say I'm just being a grump, but it's probably that my office is currently devoid of plastic balls of air.

The Term 'America's Team'

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I don't remember voting on this? Did you vote on this? Hell, maybe we voted on this.

Either way, we reserve our right for a recount on calling any franchise "America's Team." Proclaiming that a specific team is your favorite should really be sufficient enough. We don't have to have an actual argument over the veracity of any team being the bane of an entire nation.

The Wave

I will stand for an amazing play and to cheer on my closer in the ninth, not because 50,000 people want to see what 50,000 people standing by way of the simplest choreography looks like.

Sure, Hi-C Ecto Cooler and Squeezits die a cold death, but The Wave is what we are going to guarantee lasts until the end of days?

I would also like to take this time to admonish fans who stand at every little hit during baseball games, even routine pop-ups. It's like depth perception leaves us the second we sit down to watch a baseball game.

Music Video Parodies

Don't read this section out loud and for goodness sake don't show anyone. The last thing we want is for music video parodies to live by Candyman rules and start anew just because you played this video three times in a row.

If that happens, a flood of "Call Me Maybe" anthems and "Gangnam Style" parodies will bum rush the Internet like a pack of Pamplona bulls.

And then what do we have, America? Nothing good, I tell you. Nothing good.

The Term the 'Wussification of Sports'

Man, all those people trying to eliminate permanent brain damage in sports are really hankering our ability to enjoy the game.

We all know that a linebacker's ability to remember his name doesn't exactly affect you, but it would be nice if he was able to stave off depression and other horrible side effects of a career that featured treating his brain like a maraca.

Meatheads

Consider this a subset of the 'wussification' sentiment. This goes out to all the people, ahem! men, who seem to think there is a very real reason sports are kinder and gentler, as if that were quantifiable. That reason, as Damon Bruce once offered, is women.

According to some, the only way to enjoy sports is by eating undercooked red meat slowly grilled over an open fire as you...Ugh, Ugh, Ugh!

Take this from a man, there is obviously far too much testosterone in the sports world.

Best Fans in Baseball

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Consider this, "America's Team Part II."

We don't mean to pick on St. Louis Cardinals fans, but let's pick on St. Louis Cardinals fans.

First off, congratulations on another year in the spotlight. However, the Red Birds' success meant the rest of the MLB world had to deal with a great many articles on why this particular fanbase is the best in all of baseball.

There was also this St. Louis Post-Dispatch column from Derrick Goold that featured gems like the following ahead of the series with the Dodgers: "This isn’t just a clash of cultures, but of architecture. Bankrolled vs. Built. The Best Team Money Can Buy vs. the club now being called The Best Organization in Baseball."

Now this section isn't meant to pick solely on the Cardinals lot but the general entirety of fanbases who seem to think their team somehow does the intangible far better than any other.

Can't we all just agree that our respective teams encompass a little good, a little bad and a whole bunch of inanity in between?

The 'He Needs to Mature' Argument

It's not enough for some athletes to spend most of their time training so they can help their future teams with mammoth home runs or timely runs down the sidelines for first downs.

No, they also have to dress, walk and talk a certain way.

Apparently, according to some out-of-touch writers, maturity comes with a very distinct look. Oh, you might think that idea is rather dumb. Come to think of it, so do I. And that's why we included it here.

The Usual Suspects

As it turns out, athletes can be just as easily typecast as Danny Trejo, who is no doubt working on a movie wherein he will play Danny Trejo.

Now this isn't to say that these guys bug us personally. It's the fact that fans still can't get enough of them, so media outlets are forced to continue covering all things Rob Gronkowski, Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel or any other athlete that fits the bill.

These guys are all multidimensional personalities, but we will instead continue to key in on Gronk the Party Boy and Tebow the Quarterback Hopeful.

Hey, I've been just as guilty in this. I guess the real problem is that we like to make things as simple as possible, so whittling down our favorite athletes to one-dimensional storylines works wonders.

Well, at least we don't have to worry about Brett Favre retirement stories anymore. And that's something.

Burning Jerseys

That athlete who didn't care about what you thought when they did right by them to sign somewhere else cares even less that you decided to ignite the jersey you paid good money to buy a few years earlier.

I really hope LeBron James heads back to Cleveland, if only to see those same fans head back to the team store to buy yet another King James jersey.

You could have saved a great deal of coin by simply tossing the jersey to the bottom of the closet. But hey, an impromptu bonfire works too.

The Pro Bowl

I can take an MLB All-Star Game that lingers for hours, and I can even stand an NBA All-Star Game that devolves into a slam dunk exhibition.

For some reason, there is still some entertainment value to be had there.

The NFL, no matter how much we love it, doesn't work when athletes are asked to play at half speed. Of course they wouldn't risk injury by playing all out, but that just means we don't have to watch with any fervor either.

D-Picket Fence

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We have reached the absolute end of creativity.

The only thing more amazing than someone thinking their time would be well spent on being the millionth person to bring a "D" and a "fence" into the stadium is that nobody has ever bothered to bring an "O" for when their team actually has the ball.

Now I must warn that "Mashed Potatoes!" guy nearly made this list. You few shouting odd and peculiar things at golfing events have one thing going for you: I am fond of stupid humor.