Testicular implants for pets?

Over the past three years, I’ve written about a lot of bizarre pet products and procedures, from wigs and costumes to “Rear Gear” (bum covers), tattoos and extreme ear and tail docking. But nothing prepared me for my recent introduction to Neuticles, the “revolutionary” and patented testicular implant for pets.

neuticles.com

Neuticle earrings, for the girl who has everything.

Wha?? Yep. That’s right. Neuticles allows your pet to “retain his natural look and self-esteem, and aids in the trauma associated with altering.”

According to the company’s website, “over 425,000 caring pet owners worldwide have selected Neuticles as a safe, practical and inexpensive option when neutering their beloved pet.” The company also claims that its product helps control overpopulation by encouraging “mega-thousands of caring pet owners to neuter that simply would not before.”

Okay, so maybe I’m being a killjoy here, but getting people who aren’t neutering their pets for reasons related to machismo or good old-fashioned ignorance to see the light AND thrown down an extra 100 bucks for ball replacements seems like a stretch. (The various “models” range from $94 to over $329 a pair.)

Here are a few other “interesting facts” that I gleaned from the website:

Neuticles not only replicate the pet’s testicles in size, shape weight and feel, but the new UltraPLUS has features not available on human implants. (Yes! Neuticles are that advanced!)

The texture and firmness of NeuticlesNatural were crafted based on the firmness of actual animal testicles. (Who was the tester for this? Eek!)

Neuticles inventor Gregg A. Miller was awarded the IG Nobel Peace Prize for Medicine to recognize his achievement in providing an alternative to the neutering procedure used on family pets.

Neuticles has a database of over 25,000 hospitals and clinics worldwide that will perform the procedure.

While canines and felines have been the most popular recipients, other animals have also been “Neuticled,” including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkeys and even rats (with the appropriate size of course).

For those who become Neutical obsessed (like my friend Robert), there’s NeuticalWare (NeuticalShwag?). The earrings and necklace are my personal favorites, which are hand-crafted from “actual Neuticles.”

But the best part, at least for me, is the company’s tagline: “It’s like nothing ever changed.”