Apps to Download for 2016

The old gang is going out to dinner. One has a newborn. One just got divorced. One is allergic to both nuts and vinyl. Type it all in, and the app will find a perfectly adequate and accommodating restaurant within a five-mile radius.

uHUH

Turn on this app when talking with a narcissistic friend. It will provide responses like “Right!” “Really?” and “No way!” as you multitask.

NoIDontHaveAMinute

A map feature that identifies the locations of those annoying clipboard people and gives you an alternate walking route to your destination. Hit the “I Feel Guilty” button to donate instantly to Greenpeace.

Avoyd

Notifies you when your neighbors have left the building, so you don’t have to run into them in the hallway.

OopsHa

Did you accidentally include Amy in a group text about how her new boyfriend is “a pretentious dud”? OopsHa will, within twenty minutes, automatically text the errant recipient and blame it on autocorrect.

Crowdz

Locate a nearby bar or restaurant that is free of inexplicably wealthy thirtysomethings screaming at one another about wine, real estate, and their P.R. jobs.

PemaFinder

Finds the perfect Pema Chödrön quote to send to your friend when she texts you again about how depressed she is: “Resisting what is happening is a major cause of suffering”; “Steep your soul”; “You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.”

WaitrHatr

From this crowdsourced list, find out before you make dinner plans if someone you are talking to on Tinder is a rude, bad-tipping monster to waiters.

WhoRaisedU

Sitting next to one of those adults who still chews with his or her mouth open, like a four-year-old? This white-noise app cuts out seventy-two per cent of disgusting smacky eating noises. Settings include Banana, Mac and Cheese, Movie Popcorn, and Fingernails!

Isn’t human eye contact gross? Looky streams a video of the person right in front of you in the corner of your screen. Use it while ordering your pour-over coffee, testifying in court, walking down the street, or even watching live theatre. You’ll never have to look up from your phone again!

UnGentrify

Point your phone at any storefront, intersection, or person in New York City older than thirty-five, and see what they looked like back when the city was cool, dangerous, and edgy. In Settings, choose between 1973, 1977, 1985, 1991, and 2000. Links to Google Glass for an immersive denial experience!

NoApp

This app blocks all your other apps, and then does absolutely nothing. Turn it on when you wake up and leave it on all day! Experience what life was like before apps, without the terror of being app-free and losing your carefully curated, Mayfair-filtered identity. It’s an app. But it’s not an app. It’s life. But not real life. It’s NoApp. ♦

Mike Albo is a writer-performer and the co-creator of the faux Playbill for “Hurt Locker: The Musical,” which was featured in the recent Tony-winning Broadway show “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.”