Privy Poet’ Society: A Night of Troubled Thoughts

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Privy Poet’ Society is a section of Lutalica that is dedicated solely to poets and their love for poetry. To read more from Privy Poet’ Society, click here.

Funny how every feeling has its way,
Weakening at night while you try to get stronger by the day.
Funny how day by day you build strength,
And just a breeze is enough to bring mayhem.

Working at 12 in a silent night, suddenly your words were all I could hear,
And slowly the eyes blinked, letting out the restrained tear.
Flashing every minute I spent with you,
Followed by a cringing fear,

The fear I failed to show,
The fear I never wanted you to know,
The fear of irritating you,
The fear of losing you.

I had listened, listened to the world, about every notion old and new,
Not to show love, not to be desperate, that would simply repel you.
Grow strong, for I wouldn’t feel pain when you leave,
Hide every bit of woe, that’s how I was supposed to feel.

So I acted upon yet, I always cared, believe me, about everything you said,
I listened to every story, every complaint you had,
I wished, craved so hard to put my hand around,
Pull you closer, give a shoulder to cry on, catch every tear found.

It was hard resisting, the want to be there,
The need to hold you tight, argue that this is not fair.
Every time I cracked and gathered up might,
While you kept wondering if I cared enough if it was a decision right.

And slowly you walked,
Terribly you moped.
To eventually break up,
And I couldn’t sum up.

Consoled myself, I had done everything, everything everyone told me to
The right, the flawed even the wrong, yet you left, why did you have to?
And still the words of world echo,
If you love someone let them go.

Delusion, Denial, Demur and Distress
I couldn’t handle all that mess.
I couldn’t make it, why you thought I didn’t care, I don’t know,
I did, more than you could ever think of, I simply couldn’t show.

Frustrated over the situations, I blamed it on everyone else,
Habit you were my favourite, the truth was hard to face.
Weakling inside a stubborn shell, not letting emotions to trigger,
I cherished all of you, and suddenly I did remember.

How we first met, where we had our first dinner,
The song we danced on, the things that make you shiver.
How you opened up everything, didn’t hesitate much,
Your first phrase of affection, our first fight, the first touch.

For little did I show, for you I had fallen,
The first glimpse of yours had my heart stolen.
Stupid and dumb I was not to realise,
Affection was not a harbinger of my demise.

And instantly all of my faults, I realised,
It was me who had this break up devised.
And then every other good thing that you ignited in me crawled,
How you were the one, standing by, supporting and appreciating the flawed.

How you, picked me up every time I felt low,
Listened to every boring story of mine, never said no.
How in spite of all my quirks, you unconditionally told
I was good, better than I thought, and there’s nothing to mould.

I saw everything now which I couldn’t see,
The way you shaped me into someone, I couldn’t be.
Blinked again, back into the oblivious night,
Three on the clock, and the phone caught my sight.

Hesitated a bit, to call this time,
Usual a month ago, today wasn’t fine.
However, I couldn’t hold it inside,
A lot I needed to tell you, I couldn’t hide.

Finally shaking off all the whims,
I dial your number, and a current flows through my limbs.
Ring after ring, I am getting scared, no strength left at all,
A possibility haunts that you won’t ever answer my call.

Just pick the phone up Zee, come on,
You’re walking away, leading me on…
Everything there’s left in me wants you to know,
Oh the light you left me will ever glow.

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