Travels with My Ego

Rising above life's ups and downs.

I wish I could say that it doesn't matter to me if you buy it, read it, or like it. But I'd be lying. It does matter to me. A lot.

Am I proud that I feel that way? No. Does it mean that I am insecure, vulnerable and on wobbly terrain? No. It means I am normal (at least in this area of life). All of us, to varying degrees, are concerned with the opinions that others have of us, especially when we display and disclose our feelings, skills, beliefs, activities, and idiosyncrasies to the public eye. That's how we are wired.

And so, my ego and I were trekking down Coney Island Avenue some weeks ago, when we chanced past Berman's, one of the local Judaica Bookshops. This was not an uncommon occurrence. My ego and I often travel together, as we do share assorted common interests and pursuits.

I was not surprised, therefore, when he turned to me and said:

"Lots of books in Berman's window, but where is yours?"

Predictably, I gulped. It was not the first time I had noticed the glaring omission in the window. But, for some reason, this time I decided to venture inside. "Maybe (gasp) they don't even SELL my book!" I had to find out.

I meandered my way past the CD's, the Artscroll Talmud volumes, and some genuine customers and parked myself at the New Releases section. There were several copies of my book. Relieved, I lifted one of them and tried very hard to appear like an ordinary book browser. Secretly, I hoped that others might notice, take the hint and also take a peek at my book. They didn't. But I didn't stop there.

"This is my book," I offered to the young sales clerk. "How's it selling?"

"Okay, I guess... I don't really know," he replied without looking up.

I didn't stop there either.

"I know this sounds a little funny (it didn't)," I stammered, "but my kids are always asking me why my book is not in the window."

It felt kind of pathetic. Here I was, a grown man, practically begging to see my book in the window. But, it worked.

"No problem," he answered. "Go ahead... slip one in."

I did.

Ten seconds later I was back on the sidewalk, reunited with my ego, and proudly peering at the newly adorned window. Frankly, it looked good. In fact, the whole display somehow seemed brightened by the new addition (yeah right). I smiled too broadly and scampered home.

Fast forward a few days. I'm on my way to the drug store for a Diet Snapple. And as I walk past Berman's, my eyes automatically dart to the right for a quick and proud glance at my book in the window. Only one problem -- it isn't there. IT'S GONE!!

I wasn't sure what I was more upset about -- the book having been removed or the fact that it bothered me. Either way, I wasn't a pretty sight.

My book had been replaced by... by... some...some other book, the name of which I forgot instantly. I stood there in mortal silence, pretending that it didn't matter, and wondering what to do next. I felt like I had been duped. The clerk who had instructed me to put the book in the window had, in fact, only been humoring this pitiable and desperate soul, but as soon I left the scene he promptly removed it and restored to its rightful place -- buried on a lonely, dusty shelf.

I continued my lonely journey to the drug store, but my pace had now slowed considerably and my shoulders probably dropped an inch or two as well. I wasn't sure what I was more upset about -- the book having been removed or the fact that it bothered me. Either way, I wasn't a pretty sight.

Arriving at the store, I headed straight for the refrigerator. I half-expected them to be out of my favorite flavor, but I was wrong. I snatched the bottle off the shelf and trudged over to the check-out counter. The girl behind the register was unfamiliar to me. She rang up my Snapple and counted some change. This simple transaction was about to end. But then she looked at me, and with just a few words, she transformed my paltry purchase into a mood altering event.

"What the Angel Taught You, right?" she said.

She had uttered the title of a previous book I had written and recognized me as the author. I tried to stop my grin, but it was of no use.

If the Snapple hadn't been on the counter, it would have skidded out of my hand into a thousand shards on the floor. There wasn't much I could say. I just stood there, dumbfounded, with the stupid grin growing wider and probably straightening my tie or something.

I thanked her a bit more than I should have and told her about my new book. She seemed excited and promised to pick one up right away. Collecting my drink, I awkwardly marched to the exit. Like a yo-yo on steroids, my psyche had just been pummeled and exalted, beaten and hoisted, crushed and invigorated. And all within a few seconds.

It reminded me of the credo of a great Chassidic leader. I believe it was Reb Mendel of Kotsk. It was said that he lived his life according to two major philosophies. One was the declaration by Abraham of supreme humility, when he prayed to God for the welfare of the people of Sodom, "For I am but dust and ash," (Genesis 18:27). The second was the dictum of our Sages of the Talmud of ultimate responsibility, "It is incumbent upon everyone to say, 'The entire world was created just for me (Sanhedrin 37a)."

Those closest to him say that he wrote each passage on a separate piece of paper, and that he kept both papers with him all the time, in separate pockets.

"The complexities of living require the implementation of both schools of thought," he would teach. "Sometimes we must feel like we are so very small; other times we must realize that the entire universe revolves around each of us. The secret of life is to know when to reach into which pocket."

Both of those reactions were ego-driven. I was just a frail reed, blowing in a gust of vanity.

The events of that day had thrown me from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, but both of those reactions were ego-driven. I had allowed the perceptions of others to completely dictate my equilibrium. I was just a frail reed, blowing in a gust of vanity.

Contrast that insecurity with the sanguine mentality of the rebbe. He taught that it is our inner choices that should dictate how we feel, not external opinions. There are times we should focus on the inherent, objective greatness that resides in each and every soul, feeling empowered to put our unique stamp on the world. And there are times we should have the humility to sense our inherent smallness.

These emotions can never emerge from the reactions of those around us. We cannot allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by rejection or intoxicated by the limelight.

Instead, when we feel small, it is a healthy realization that without a Supreme Being we can accomplish nothing. And when we feel big, it is because our potential for change and growth is truly endless.

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About the Author

Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, C.S.W. is a noted psychotherapist, in private practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. for over 25 years. He is a Senior Lecturer and the Creative Director of Aish Hatorah's Discovery Productions. He is also an editor and author for the Artscroll Publishing Series and a member of the Kollel of Yeshiva Torah Vodaath.

In these marvelous stories -- brimming with wit, understanding, a touch of irony and a large helping of authentic Torah perspective -- we will walk with a renowned and experienced psychotherapist and popular author through the pathways of contemporary life: its crowded sidewalks, its pedestrian malls, and the occasional dead end street. This is a walk through our lives that will be fun, entertaining -- and eye-opening. In our full -- sometimes overfull -- and complex lives, Yaakov Salomon is a welcome and much-needed voice of sanity and reason.

His speaking, writing and musical talents have delighted audiences from Harvard to Broadway and everything in between. Rabbi Salomon shares his life with his wife, Temmy, and their unpredictable family.

Visitor Comments: 30

(30)
Anonymous,
February 2, 2011 1:43 PM

this article like all others hits home,we all feel insecure and need our egos stroked, your last book "what the angels taught you" should be in every classroom and library of jewish homes and schools. I envy your talent to articulate and reach so many hearts and minds. Thank you

(29)
Anonymous,
February 1, 2011 6:06 AM

THIS SOUNDS LIKE ME!

I read Rabbi Solomon's article and could have written every word (but not as articulate). I know that as long as I do the right thing in Hashem's eyes, it doesn't matter what others think. However, mortal me does (at times) get bothered by others opinions.
On days when I feel down, there seems to be the counterpart when I feel high and good based on others phone calls, actions, etc. I usually stop and thank Hashem for those 'good actions' because they DO make me feel better and I know G-d is sending both the positive and negative events of the day and I learn from each experience!

(28)
Miss Fellow EgoTripper,
January 31, 2011 7:09 AM

You too?

Ok. I'll admit it. I only clicked on your article to see how many "likes" you got, since I was in the process of clicking on many articles for the same reason, hoping to feel better about how many "likes" I did, or let's say, didn't, get. Well, sir, I read the whole thing, and I am suddenly feeling quite a bit more balanced ego wise, and less concerned. I hope that lasts for some time. You sure hit the spot for me.

(27)
Anonymous,
January 31, 2011 3:38 AM

Reaction to this article

Superb!
What great writing, what a pleasure to read it, what a great message. And the effect of the message is strong because of how pleasant (and very funny) it was to read. Thank you very much.

(26)
Anonymous,
January 31, 2011 12:53 AM

Excellent advice and very true

Wonderful advice, Rabbi! How we feel about ourselves should certainly be of more importance than how we think others feel about us. And for the record, you're one of my favorite aish writers and speakers. I watch 'salomon says' all the time, and really enjoy your articles. I didn't know that you wrote another book, I'm going to go check it out right now! :)

(25)
judith,
January 30, 2011 8:35 PM

it is nice in itself that you examine your own motives

But you are using the talent G´d gave you to teach his Thora. Now to see that people like what you write, only indicates that you still are fulfilling your specific mission on earth. As long as you realize that everything you say and everything you write is really from G´d, aren't you allowed to be happy about the production of your creativity? It is known that toiling without result is enormous frustrating. What use would your book have if it wouldn’t be sold or read?

(24)
Anonymous,
January 30, 2011 8:17 PM

You are making me particularly interested in your book.

Maybe I should buy it. I really like how you validate the feelings I get about people. Now I know I'm not alone.

(23)
Jorge Polo,
June 17, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank you

I would like for you to forget about the window incident.Please keep writing.I am fortunate to own "What the angel taught you". Great Book!!!!

(22)
YAAKOV SALOMON,
May 21, 2006 12:00 AM

IT WORKED!

Berman's must have seen the article. As of yesterday, the book was BACK IN THE WINDOW! IT WORKED!

(21)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2006 12:00 AM

incisive and brilliant

Dear Yo Yo on Steroids! Unlike Barry Bonds you do break the record for great writing. You belt them one after the other. I love your articles, books, speeches etc keep it up PK

(20)
Micha,
May 18, 2006 12:00 AM

Nit on origin of credo

I don't think that credo came from "some Chassidic leader". Or if it did, that's in addition to it describing the contents of the pockets of Rav Nosson Zvi Finkel, the Alter of Slabodka. (As reported by R' Avaraham Elya Kaplan in Be'iqvos haYir'ah.)

I also saw it credited to R' Bunim of Peshicha. I think it's just because the idea floats around much further than the attribution, and people are more aware of Chassidic masters than of the Mussar Movement.

Such explorations of the nature of modesty (anavah) is pretty central to Mussar. I invite people to explore the texts of the Mussar Movement, which gives a second perspective on many of the same issues as Chassidus.

(19)
Margarita,
May 18, 2006 12:00 AM

Great article

Great article, so good, so down to earth, so easy to read.

(18)
Fangyu,
May 17, 2006 12:00 AM

Excellent article

Thanks to Rabbi Yaakov Salomon and Aish. I totally agree with Rabbi Yaakov Salomon's point summed up in the last three paragraphs.

(17)
Anonymous,
May 17, 2006 12:00 AM

alternate thought fir R. Salomon

Did R. Salomon ever consider that maybe the book was taken out of the window because all the copies in the store were sold out, and a customer wanted to buy his book?

(16)
Sara Rigler,
May 16, 2006 12:00 AM

Boy, did I enjoy this article! And my ego enjoyed it even more, as it recognized itself being written about, and hopes you'll give it more press coverage in the future. Yasher koach on a great article!

(15)
Anonymous,
May 16, 2006 12:00 AM

Thank You!

Although I have been receiving emails from Aish.com for a couple of years now, this is the first time I have ever felt compelled to comment. THANK YOU, for writing so well, so sincerely. I have read your book, the new one, more than once, and I enjoy it immensely. I have recommended it to many people for its whit and outlook, but even more so for the writing style. I find your book and your articles a pleasure to read, regardless of the topic. Please continue to keep us delighted with your writings!

(14)
Anonymous,
May 16, 2006 12:00 AM

We love your books

My friend read your book, and liked it so much, that she said I must buy it. I also read it, and really enjoyed it a lot. I enjoy the combination of your wisdom, wit, common sense, and unbelievable honesty. In other words, your writings are inspiring yet down to Earth at the same time. I also read your articles online all the time. Lots of luck in your writing, and lots of health and happiness to you and your family. -Monsey, NY

(13)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2006 12:00 AM

Dear Rabbi Salomon,
I have moments ago read "Travels...", and I just had to applaud your willingness to share what we all know: We--at our best--are often, too often, selfish and self-seeking. I applaud you because you are secure enough in G-d's love to not to try to appear more than you are.
Nevertheless, I am awestruck by your humility and your candor. I applaud you because you exhibit what I fail in --oh, so many times. My hope lies in my knowing my weakness and in my wanting to be better.

Interestingly, Rabbi Salomon, I am in a master's program in marriage and family therapy at Central Connecticut State University. One might say that a 75 year-old man has no business going to school to start a new career so late in life. Perhaps so, but I plan to live every day of my life trying to make the world a better place, as I struggle to make myself a better man: It is a lifetime pursuit. Isn't that what being a Jew is all about?

Incidentally, I am black and a convert to Judaism. The late Rabbi Meir Kahane--founder of the Jewish Defense League--was my my friend and rabbi, and was one of the three rabbis at my circumcision and ritual immersion.

With love of Israel,

(12)
Harry G,
May 15, 2006 12:00 AM

Knowing as I now do that you will undoubtedly check and recheck to see how many people actually take the time out to comment on your article, I feel compelled to be 'mekayem' "Ve'hechezakta Bo" and boost your ego too by contributing this comment !! Yes, I read your book and I read - and enjoy- all your articles ! May you continue your Avodas Kodesh for many healthy, happy, and unselfish years to come !

(11)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

it really WAS good

your new book "something to think about" really was terrific. i bought it and i honestly enjoyed its humor, insights, and in general the whole book!!

(10)
Barbara,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

How I live

Each of us has the power within us to be happy, loved and secure in ourselves- but will the question is- will you choose it? Or will you choose to be upset, hurt and insecure?
I choose security and love.
Excellent article to demonstrate this important point.
Thank you, Rav Ralomon!

(9)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

takes an ego to write a book in the first place

I never wrote the book(s) I wanted to because I was afraid my ego couldn't handle the ups and downs you described and those you didn't-what happens when you people confront you about something you wrote? Will I now? Maybe when I'm less insecure.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

buy the book

Since it is the omer and we are learning lessons everyday, you could've taken her a signed book. This would have made her really happy and you know she will read it.

(7)
Brooke Jacob,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Refreshing candor!

Thank you for this light, pragmatic piece. Rather than lecturing to the reader, it conveys a lesson that is at once down-to-earth and profound. I appreciate your integrity and refreshing candor!

(6)
manuel,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Ego is for those insecure of themselves

With this article I recall this past week when I prepared and sent a technical report to a prospect customer after visiting his industrial plant

Our commercial representative told me he did not like it

The report was not bad technically only suggested investments this prospective customer did not want to commit to do

I did not feel bad about his opinion but about the time, dedication and utmost care employed to prepare that report for him

(5)
Tzivia Tabak,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

The last paragraph of your article said it all. I suffer both from bouts of "kochi v'otzem yodi" -- "the power and strength of my hand" when my projects work out well even though I manage to thank Hashem. And from deflation when I'm criticized even when I know I'm right. The Kotzkers vort was great! Thanks! I'm running out to get your book! Yasher koach!
Tzivie T.

(4)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

A real ego would never put this article on Aish.Com

Thank you, Rav Salomon, for being honest about yourself, even if it means "putting yourself on the line". It is inspiring people who are real. We all need to better understand ourselves to know what G-d wants of us.

(3)
Rosally Saltsman,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

My ego and I both thank you

I feel so much less vulnerable and insecure that greater people than myself behave in a similar vein. I think it's called Author Actualization Syndrome or something.

(2)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Travels with my ego

My ego has had such similar "travels" and I've been trying to understand it, control it,and be in a better place with it. Not to mention feeling ashamed aboutit. Thank you so much for sharing yourself so openly and for giving wise counsel too!

(1)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2006 12:00 AM

As a writer, I really appreciated this - the humor as well as the all-too-human pain of wanting to be acknowledged and appreciated. Thank you!

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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