Arrowpoint Innzone

I can taste him as I inhale sharply, my eyes closing tightly as I let my lips press back against his. The kiss is more firm than before, my fingers pulling from his chest to tangle with his, coaxing his hand towards me.

I groan lightly against her lips as she pulls my hand to her side. Her shirt is thin and soft, and the way it moves across her ribs under my fingers is too enticing to stop. A little thrill goes through me as I realize she isn't wearing a bra, her pulse skipping as my hand hesitates under her breast. The way she pauses against my lips, her breath hitching against mine is almost as arousing as the realization that only a thin layer of cloth separates us. I falter a bit, biting my lip uncertainly before I slip my finger between the buttons on her shirt.

My chest practically deflates, a nervous heaving breath escaping me as I arch my head back to avoid breathing in his face. I can feel the tips of his fingers brush against my skin as he deftly unbuttons my shirt, and I'm focusing so heavily on keeping my breathing semi-even, I forget entirely that I'm not doing anything else. I've stilled under his touch, my eyes shut tight and my lips pressed closed. I have to remind myself to move, the leg curled between his sliding up, my toes tangling awkwardly in the fabric of his pants.

There's another faint groan coming from Marnin as he gets the last button undone, his scruff tickling at my jaw as his lips find my throat.

My hands are shaking as they press against the warmth of her skin. I can't help the way my hips jerk as her leg grazes against my growing arousal. My erection presses into her hip as I wind my arm under her shirt to pull her against me.

I'm grateful that the startled whimper that squeezes out of me sounds more akin to a moan as he pulls me near. I find control of my hands again, my fingers trembling as they press against his chest. The faint tease of arousal isn't enough to quash the shame bubbling in my chest, prying at the back of my mind as I lift my head to find his lips once more.

I groan against her lips, my hand slipping down to pull her leg up over my lap before rolling her onto her back. I'm careful to move slow as I come to hover over her, kissing her softly as I pull her hands to the sensitive scars on my sides, my own hand moving up to cup her scarred cheek.

I swallow thickly as I realize what he's doing, looking up at his empty gaze as my fingers rest gingerly at his sides. By this point, I'm certain the clamminess of my palms has spread to my entire body, making my anxiety a palpable presence between us. It only becomes more so as his hand cups my cheek, another sharp inhale filling my chest as my legs adjust awkwardly around his imposing presence between them.

The silence is deafening, my pulse this obtrusive pounding in my head. I'm at a loss in the moment, horribly aware of how lost I really am. Do I kiss him? Do I speak? Instead, I do nothing but let my fingers trace the scars at his sides. First long ways, gauging their length, then across, my nails dragging lightly on occasion before I continue the exploration.

I'm oblivious to her nervousness, the tickling touch of her nails combined with the warmth of having her beneath me making my body shake with anticipation. I feel high on the smell of her skin, my lips exploring every inch of skin they can reach.

It isn't until I've kissed down her collarbone to her breasts that I realize she isn't really reacting. Frowning, I sit up to cock my head at her worriedly.

My tongue sticks to my mouth as I nod weakly, humming an 'mm-hmm' as I look down towards him. His cheeks are flushed, and his lips have taken on that bleary look that comes from over use from kissing. It's comforting, the way his hands stop wandering, his entire body threatening to lift as though he's worn out his welcome.

By now, more of my body is shaking nervously than it isn't, but I take in several deep breaths. Marnin wouldn't hurt me, I think to myself, eyes closing as it repeats in some lame chant, I trust him.

I move slowly after that, my lips pressing to the curve of her jaw gently. I try to keep my touches soothing and affectionate, but there's no denying the ache of neediness that bleeds through in each deliberate kiss. After awhile, my hands begin to shake with the anticipation, my touch fumbling for every inch of skin. Still, I can't help but notice that I'm not eliciting the same eager response from her, and it leaves me feeling self-conscious. It's been so long since I've focused on pleasing another person that I find myself guiltily looking back on Richard for all the precise, controlling instruction he would give.

It's a tentative balance, trying not to shut down my arousal at the thought of him, his voice whispering in my ear as I put all my focus into thinking of Ljuba. With tremendous effort, I'm even able to alter the voice in my head to hers, my eagerness to please and be pleased amplifying with every ragged breath against her skin.

But still, she barely moves.

"Are you sure you're alright?" I breathe raggedly as I sit up between her legs again. I know there's a wet spot on my pants and a small one forming on hers, but I'm not convinced that it isn't from me - I've been straining against the fabric and grinding against her so long now. "We can stop if you want to, I don't mind..."

I blink past the threat of anxious tears as he rises from my front, my chest shaking with each uneven breath.

"No, I'm fine-" I start, my hands rising to rub across my face before I prop myself up on my elbows. Despite the time that's passed since we've started, I still flush as I pick myself up to see my exposed front and his own excitement tented in his pajamas. Averting my gaze, I swallow thickly. "I promise, I'm fine."

So I need to react, I think, reaching out to grab his hands to coax him back down over me. I can tell he's still suspicious of my reticence, an observation that only causes the guilt in my stomach to sharpen as I rest a hand on his neck so I can kiss him softly. "It's just been a really long time," I whisper softly, my forehead resting against his as we sink back to the bed.

I'm still a little hesitant, but her words put me at ease as I sigh against her lips and nod. "Just tell me if you need me to stop, okay?" I say gently, my hand coming up to cup the side of her neck. My thumb traces along her jaw as I kiss her softly. I relax a little more as her hands explore my back, a shudder of pleasure going through me as she drags her nails down my spine and across the myriad of scars there.

Despite her newfound investment in the situation, I'm still a little leery as I let my own touch wander further down her body. My nails drag across her thigh in a feathery softness as I kiss a trail down her front, hesitating just below her ribcage. I can feel her chest rise and fall with deep, steady breaths, her heart hammering away behind her ribs. Her trembling seems to increase as I bring my fingers up to feel the gooseflesh rising across her soft abdomen, the smell of her clinging to my senses as I place a kiss just above her navel.

She would tell me if the trembling was fear or anxiety, so I read it instead as anticipation. As a result, the noise that chokes out of her when I let my fingers drag down to the hem of her panties startles me, a flood of adrenaline and endorphins rushing into my system as I jerk my hand away as though I've been physically burned for touching her. My heart is pounding as I sit up. I've just barely caught the mortified and frightened expression on her face, and it's enough to punch a hole right through me.

"You are not fine!" I accuse, my whole body flushing with shame as I withdraw from her. "You were supposed to tell me - you were supposed to stop me! Why didn't you?!"

I tense at the strangled sob that escapes me, the noise betraying me in a way I hadn't expected as Marnin flees from my front. It takes little more than the frightened look, mixed with one of shame, on his face to bring forth the wealth of tears that've taken refuge just behind my eyes, my hands shooting up to rub at my face. I scramble up to the headboard self-consciously, pulling the front of my shirt closed over myself.

"I'm sorry!" I breathe, my fists clenching anxiously. I want to reach out to him, but I'm afraid of what it might do. "I- I thought that.... I-" My words are falling over themselves, making little sense to even myself before I inhale roughly and let out a long, slow breath.

"You said you saw that woman because you needed this- You needed this sort of-" I stop myself before continuing. This is all wrong. "I just wanted you to be happy!"

"Yes, but-," I falter, my voice cracking as I shake my head sharply. "Not like this! Not like... like I'm Richard! I don't want you to pretend for my sake, I want you to want to, too! It's not right if you aren't enjoying it, too. I can live without intimacy, I can't live knowing I made you feel like you had to just lie there while I did stuff to you!"

"But you couldn't and you made me feel dirty instead of just saying you weren't ready!" I say roughly, my whole body shaking as I slip to the edge of the bed to run my fingers through my hair, my head dropping into my hands.

"I'm sorry," I say again, weakly. I crawl towards him, resting a few short feet from him on the edge of the bed as I look at him sadly in the dim light. "I really am, I didn't mean to make you feel this way! I'm not good with this stuff anymore. To be honest, I never was. It's always been this twisted source of shame for me."

"And it's not for me?!" I demand, a sick mixture of anger and hurt twisting around in my gut as I cock my head back toward her with angry tears misting in my eyes. "I wanted for us to not be like that! That's why I was trying to take it slow, why I was trying to communicate with you! We have to talk through this if we're ever going to go anywhere with it. Otherwise - I just can't. I don't want another relationship like that, I don't want anyone to be ashamed."

"Please?" I ask hopefully as I crawl up into the bed beside her. It feels odd, being angry yet still wanting her company for comfort. The moment she lies down beside me, my arms wrap around her gratefully, my nose burying in her hair as I take a deep, shaky breath.

"It wasn't until a few months before she died I think she figured it out..." I respond, "They'd just gotten back together, and she was staying with him for the weekend so I could have the apartment to myself... I'd left this shirt at Jean's, and when she came home, it was in her bag.

"She never said anything about it, but she was a little colder to me after that."