Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
- Baz Luhrmann

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Moment That Changes Everything

Revelation

(rev-e-la-tion) noun

a surprising and previously unknown fact, esp. one that is
made known in a dramatic way: revelations
about his personal life.

It’s hard to explain.I knew fairly early on that I was different than the other boys but I
didn’t know exactly how.We liked the
same games and watched the same television shows.We dressed in similar styles and played on
the same sports teams. We teased girls, wrestled with each other and behaved
like miniature mobsters as most pre-teen boys tend to do.

I knew what a “fag” was and I knew what a “queer” was and
there was no way I was one of those.Fags and queers were boys without any friends, who were picked on and
ostracized.I threw those hateful terms
around as recklessly as everybody else.

I was “different” in subtle ways.

I wasn’t as enamored with Daisy Duke as my friends
were.Sure, she could wear a pair of
cutoff shorts like nobody’s business but the real deal was Bo and Luke with
their shirts off.It wasn’t a sexual
thing as I had no true understanding of what sex even was.There was just something about the male
physique that was more interesting and intriguing to me.

In the middle of grade 6 everything changed.I had my revelation.

It was during a recess break when I was involved in an
altercation with one of my classmates.He was one of the boys in my school who was maturing more quickly than
the others, including myself.He was
tall and ripped and looked exactly like Rick Springfield!We were wrestling and he had me pinned to the
ground, straddling my chest with both arms held tight beneath his knees.I was unable to move.

And then, something moved…

I can say with certainty that my life has never been the
same since that moment.Oh,THIS
is what they mean! What had
been admiration and intrigue turned to desire and need.It was revolutionary and terrifying.

I understood “fag” and “queer” in a flash of horror and
regret.My brain rapidly started
connecting the dots and the picture that began to reveal itself was one I
wasn’t prepared to look at.

I was condemned.I
was instantly unlovable.

I can now look back on that moment, with 30 years of
hindsight and see things quite differently.I see a boy who had his first sexual encounter and was utterly
unprepared for it.I, like everyone
else, was a product of the environment I was raised in.We were an uninformed, mindless group of
pre-teen hooligans who hadn’t been taught the first thing about human behavior
and sexuality.We were allowed to toss
around words like “faggot” and “Gaylord” with no recrimination.We are allowed to call each other “queers”
and say the most derogatory things to each other with impunity.

It has to start at home, but it has to continue in our
schools.We need to teach our children
what is right and wrong and start educating them about sexual diversity.It is not OK to have sex education classes
and not talk about sexual orientation.There are lots of boys and girls out there who are about to have their
“revelation,” shouldn’t we arm them with as much information as possible?