Hi Sarah Huckabee Sanders, You Resign Now

A shocking revelation from the Mueller Report, right after the heavily redacted section about the wetness of rain, is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a lying sack of lies. The White House press secretary regularly distorts truth like she's making balloons animals. It was no different when Sanders defended Donald Trump's petulant termination of FBI Director James Comey. She told the public it was all good, the FBI haaaated Comey anyway, and he smelled funny.

Wonkette
live-blogged this press conference and presented all her lies to you, our loyal readers, in prevaricator vision. Sanders claimed that the "rank-and-file" at the FBI had lost all confidence in Comey, so what else could a law-abiding, non-gangster president do? It was a public service really. It was also a bunch of lies, and they fell so easily from her pretty liehole.

Robert Mueller interviewed Sanders in February, probably while holding a cross and wearing bulbs of garlic. During their sit down, Sanders
admitted that there was no basis in reality regarding her specific claim that she'd personally heard from "countless members of the FBI" who were "grateful and thankful" for Comey's keelhauling. She now insists it was just a "slip of the tongue," the sort of simple error we've all made when repeatedly slandering a career public servant and then doubling down.

Take it away, Bob.

In the afternoon of May 10, 2017, deputy press secretary Sarah Sanders spoke to the President about his decision to fire Comey and then spoke to reporters in a televised press conference. Sanders told reporters that the President, the Department of Justice, and bipartisan members of Congress had lost confidence in Comey, " [a]nd most importantly, the rank and file of the FBI had lost confidence in their director. Accordingly, the President accepted the recommendation of his Deputy Attorney General to remove James Comey from his position." In response to questions from reporters, Sanders said that Rosenstein decided "on his own" to review Comey's performance and that Rosenstein decided "on his own" to come to the President on Monday, May 8 to express his concerns about Comey. When a reporter indicated that the "vast majority" of FBI agents supported Comey, Sanders said, "Look, we've heard from countless members of the FBI that say very different things. " Following the press conference, Sanders spoke to the President, who told her she did a good job and did not point out any inaccuracies in her comments. Sanders told this Office that her reference to hearing from "countless members of the FBI" was a "slip of the tongue." She also recalled that her statement in a separate press interview that rank-and-file FBI agents had lost confidence in Comey was a comment she made "in the heat of the moment" that was not founded on anything.

The actual video of the post-Comey press conference, which exists and is easily found because 2017 and all, shows that Sanders first slips her tongue in response to a reporter's direct question about the White House's bullshit story, which contradicted the acting FBI director Andrew McCabe. When asked by yet another reporter to confirm that she'd "personally" heard from "countless" FBI agents, her tongue keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. It's a pretty funny exchange.

REPORTER: You personally have talked to countless FBI officials, employees, since this happened?

See, it's barely been a day. What she's saying strains credulity like my aunt in skinny jeans. He's giving her an off-ramp but she won't take it.

SANDERS: Correct.

REPORTER: I mean ... really?

SANDERS: Between like e-mail, text messages, absolutely.

REPORTER: 50, 60, 70?

SANDERS: Look, we're not gonna get into a numbers game. I mean, I have heard from a large number of individuals that work at the FBI that said that they're very happy with the president's decision.

Yeah, homegirl really needs to get her tongue examined for all that slippage. Now, Sanders is on damage control. She tried to reassure the public of her honesty on Hannity last night while dressed like
the Hamburglar. She showed up today on "CBS This Morning" and further slimed Comey, insisting that Trump firing him was "one of the best decisions" the president ever made. Considering that's what led to Mueller's appointment as special counsel, Sanders doesn't really understand how decisions work.

Sanders
repeated her absurd argument that her lies were just statements made "in the heat of the moment." She wasn't delivering a toast at her friend's wedding that she forgot to write beforehand. This was a press conference and later multiple appearances on TV where she justified the sudden termination of the FBI director. But Sanders wants us to believe the lies weren't a "scripted thing." Why? Because she's still covering up for her boss. Former federal prosecutor Renato Mariotti observed back in February that if Trump directed Sanders to lie it would show consciousness of guilt. Why else was it so important to promote a narrative that Comey was a bumbling incompetent, a common Inspector Clouseau? Trump could've fired him for any reason. Kirstjen Nielsen was objectively incompetent and Trump just tweeted his usual "thank you for your service, now get the fuck out" announcement.

Trump knew and was advised that canning Comey was legally perilous. He
made every effort to distance himself from his own decision. He repeatedly tried to justify the termination as fully warranted and even something the FBI rank-and-file not-so secretly desired. This is why Sanders insists that Trump never directly told her to lie. She just does it for the thrills. The hosts of "CBS This Morning" pressed her on this point.

JOHN DICKERSON: In the course of your time at the White House, has the president ever asked you to say something that you knew not to be true?

SANDERS: The president isn't asking people to break the law, isn't asking them to do anything that is dishonest.

That is both untrue and avoids the question.

ANTHONY MASON: That's not the question, Sarah.

See?

DICKERSON: So you're saying the president has never asked you to say anything you knew not to be true.

SANDERS: Correct.

Why would anyone believe Sanders at this point? Everything she says is a lie wrapped in an insult. Longtime foe
April Ryan struck down Sanders yesterday with great vengeance and furious anger.

Ryan said Sanders has no credibility and is a liar the American people can't trust. She officially declared it "fire me Thursday or fire me Good Friday" (wait, Easter is this weekend?). We agree. Sanders needs to spend more time lying to her family. There's no place for her in public life.

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)