Chapter XIII

After dinner, and till the beginning of the evening, Kitty was
experiencing a sensation akin to that of a young man before a
battle. Her heart throbbed violently, and her thoughts would not
rest on anything.

She felt that this evening, when both these men would meet for the
first time, would be a turning point in her life. And she was
continually picturing them to herself, at one moment each
individually, and then both together. When she mused on the past,
she dwelt with pleasure, with tenderness, on the memories of her
relations with Levin. The memories of childhood and of Levin's
friendship with her dead brother have a special poetic charm to her
relations with him. His love for her, of which she felt certain, was
flattering and delightful to her; and it was easy for her to think
of Levin. In her memories of Vronsky there always entered a certain
element of awkwardness, though he was in the highest degree a
fashionable and even-tempered man, as though there were some false
note- not in Vronsky, he was very simple and charming- but in herself;
while with Levin she felt herself perfectly simple and clear. But,
on the other hand, directly she thought of the future with Vronsky,
there arose before her a perspective of brilliant happiness; with
Levin the future seemed misty.

When she went upstairs to dress, and looked into the looking
glass, she noticed with joy that it was one of her good days, and that
she was in complete possession of all her forces- she needed this so
for what lay before her: she was conscious of external composure and
free grace in her movements.

At half-past seven she had only just gone down into the drawing
room, when the footman announced, "Constantin Dmitrievich Levin."
The Princess was still in her room, and the Prince had not come in.
"So it is to be," thought Kitty, and all the blood seemed to rush to
her heart. She was horrified at her paleness, as she glanced into
the looking glass.

At that moment she knew beyond doubt that he had come early on
purpose to find her alone and to propose to her. And only then for the
first time the whole thing presented itself in a new, different
aspect; only then she realized that the question did not affect her
only- with whom she would be happy, and whom she loved- but that she
would have that moment to wound a man whom she liked. And to wound him
cruelly... Wherefore? Because he, dear fellow, loved her, was in
love with her. But there was no help for it; it must be so- it would
have to be so.

"My God! shall I myself really have to say it to him?" she
thought. "Can I tell him I don't love him? That will be a lie. What am
I to say to him? That I love someone else? No, that's impossible.
I'm going away- I'm going away."

She had reached the door, when she heard his step. "No It's not
honest. What have I to be afraid of? I have done nothing wrong. What
is to be, will be! I'll tell the truth. And with him one can't be
ill at ease. Here he is," she said to herself, seeing his powerful and
timid figure, with his shining eyes fixed on her. She looked
straight into his face, as though imploring him to spare her, and gave
him her hand.

"It's not time yet; I think I'm too early," he said glancing round
the empty drawing room. When he saw that his expectations were
realized, that there was nothing to prevent him from speaking, his
face became somber.

"Oh, no," said Kitty, and sat down at a table.

"But this was just what I wanted, to find you alone," he began,
without sitting down, and not looking at her, so as not to lose
courage.

"Mamma will be down directly. She was very much tired yesterday.
Yesterday..."

She talked on, not knowing what her lips were uttering, and not
taking her supplicating and caressing eyes off him.

He glanced at her; she blushed, and ceased speaking.

"I told you I did not know whether I should be here long... that
it depended on you..."

She dropped her head lower and lower, not knowing herself what
answer she should make to what was coming.

"That it depended on you," he repeated. "I meant to say... I meant
to say... I came for this... To have you be my wife!" he blurted
out, not knowing what he was saying, but feeling that the most
terrible thing was said, he stopped short and looked at her.

She was breathing heavily, without looking at him. She was feeling
ecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had never
anticipated that his utterance of love would produce such a powerful
effect on her. But it lasted only an instant. She remembered
Vronsky. She lifted her clear, truthful eyes, and, seeing Levin's
desperate face, she answered hastily:

"That cannot be... Forgive me."

A moment ago, and how close she had been to him, of what
importance in his life! And how aloof and remote from him she had
become now!

"It could not have been otherwise," he said, without looking at her.
He bowed, and was about to leave.