Only Peace…

It is with a heavy heart that I write to let you know that Jennifer passed away today, June 6.

On Sunday, May 20, Jennifer entered the hospital with an intestinal perforation, ensuing infection, and acute peritonitis. Surgery was not an immediate option because of the Avastin she had been taking to treat her cancer as well as an unknown amount of active tumors surrounding her intestine. The plan was to manage her pain and treat the infection with antibiotics until enough time had passed after her last Avastin treatment that surgery had a chance of being successful. Jennifer remained relatively stable until Sunday, May 27 when a CT scan showed multiple new abscesses in her intestine and increasing amounts of fluid leaking into her abdomen. At this point the very best option for Jennifer was to make her as comfortable as possible until she made her transition.

This past week and a half Jennifer has not felt any pain and she will never feel pain, fear, or worry again. She was surrounded by family and loved ones around the clock, and the wonderful nursing staff did an incredible job of honoring her grace and making this as dignified a process as possible.

Until this past weekend, there were a number of times when Jennifer was awake and alert. During one of these cherished final conversations she said, “People think I am unlucky, but I am not. “
She whispered to me, “I am ready to go.”
And at one point she suddenly woke up, smiled a huge smile and simply said, “Wow… wow…wow…”

Jennifer loved writing this blog and she loved to hear from everybody from all parts of the world. Thank you to all of you for your support of Jennifer and for your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, and interest in following her story. If you are moved to, could you please send one last note and perhaps include the town or country where you are from. I will collect these for Little J to have when he is older.

I will post once more when we have the details for the memorial service which will be in Novato (Sugartown) on Monday, June 11. Until then, I will leave this with a quote from Little J the morning after I told him mom was going to die. I think Jennifer would want us all to carry this with us.

“Dad, I do not need to be sad about this. Her spirit will always be with me.”

I had the pleasure of knowing Jennifer in high school and found her again via Facebook. Her journey and courage has touched me profoundly and I will never forget what an incredible person she was. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. We went to high school together and also college, and I was fortunate to find her on Facebook some twenty years later. Her blog and her courage have been a source of inspiration for me.

I don’t even know what to write. It’s horrible and unfair and makes me angry. It’s not okay that Little J lost his mother. It’ll never be okay. Jennifer will be missed every single day and it’ll never get easier to not have her physically there. I also know that the things Jennifer taught me about being a good mom by being a great mom will live in my heart always, right there even when I’m not aware of them. Jennifer was one of the most compassionate and loving people I knew.

Dennis,
Amidst the sadness tonight, so many wonderful memories abound tonight. Mostly East Bay Theater Group, Jenn and I playing a scene from Angels over America…. an unforgettable scene with she and Jason…and also our afternoons at Cuppa Tea on College…Dinner with a bunch of us at Beldon Place… How fortunate we all were to know and love her.

My heart is heavy tonight here in Seattle, WA. Jennifer has been a shining light in my life and in those of so many others. Though she has left us too soon, she has left us with the incredible gifts of her memory, her breathtaking way with words and her commitment to live life with pure vibrancy. She savored every moment she had and she is an incredible teacher because of that. I have learned so much from her over the years but her best teachings are composed on this site. Little J, you clearly are your Mother’s son because you know that her spirit will indeed live on in your heart, and ours, forever.

I met your mom in an informal theatre group where a bunch of us got together monthly to practice our thespian skills, learn together and just have fun. When your mom joined the group, she had a huge smile on her face and it was immediately apparent how big of a heart she had. We used to joke with her about being the “crybaby” of the group. Every time we read or acted out something that had an ounce of emotionality, Jenn always teared up. That’s another thing we saw: Her sense of humor and ability to laugh at herself. I imagine that carried her through a lot of tough times.

I think whatever she put her mind to, she went all the way. Loving you – she went all the way. Acting – she went all the way, never holding back anything. She was so good that she got a bit part at the Berkeley Rep. Amazing for someone who barely had any experience.

I also remember the day I met your dad (not sure if he remembers)! Our theatre group went to a restaurant on Solano Street in Albany. I believe they had just gotten engaged or married (yikes, I can’t remember) and the loving way he had looked at her was something I will never forget. Clearly, your parents were deeply in love.

And, I remember when Jennifer had you and how she talked about you. She loved you more than anything or anyone can describe. I was at your house during one of her pretty good days; She showed me a ton of pictures of you and talked about how fun it is to be your mom. You were her world.

I met Jennifer when I worked at LeapFrog in 2002. We sat next to one another, more like on top of one another, in an overcrowded cubicle. I felt like I hit the jackpot having her so close by. I admired her grace, humor (that laugh!), intelligence, beauty and passion. What I will remember most about Jennifer was her deep love for Dennis and her kindness. She took me under her wing when I needed help and taught me to believe in love. I am so sorry for your loss. (Rebecca from Austin, TX)

I was lucky enough to attend high school with the beautiful force that was Jennifer. I wasn’t in her grade, so didn’t have as much time as others, but feel fortunate to have known such an inspiring woman. I have no idea why those so important to us as a society seem to be the ones stolen so early. Although Little J will not have his mother by his side when he passes important markers later in life, he WILL have her spirit & know she is proud and watching everything he does. I pray for your strength, for his sake, and for all of us who will miss her in our universe.

Little J, I have only known your mommy for about 4 years. But in that short time she became someone I greatly admired and learned from. Through the amazing mom, wife and friend that she was, I learned not to sweat the small stuff. Everytime I get worked up about something (usually with my kids), I think about her outlook on life, how she embraced every single second she had with you, and how she found beauty and joy in her surroundings. Taking a simple walk, to your mom, could be something to write a beautiful passage about. I am going to miss her very much. We had many fun times together. And one day I’ll tell you how she got the nickname “Hurrican Jenn”. Your mommy loves you and will ALWAYS be your angel. Embrace what she has given you, which is intelligence, excitement for life and adventure, and an appreciation for all that is good.

I LOVE reading this blog. I have found so much inspiration through your mom’s words. She has taught me to be a better mom and to enjoy all that is good in life. Her love for you and your Dad is huge and will remain all around you with her spirit. She is an amazing woman who has touched so many through telling her story and she will be greatly missed. You and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Maria (San Mateo, CA)

I’m sorry to hear this but I’m glad she is at peace. Jennifer was a beautiful person who made this world a better place for being in it. You’re in my thoughts, Dennis and Little J. Your love story and devotion to each other is an inspiration.

Words seem inadequate to express the sadness we feel for the loss of Jenn. I have been reading her blog for some time now and wanted to tell her I was following, but never saw the right time. It wasn’t necessary.

Jenn’s smile and her strength is and always will be in my heart and I only wish I had the opportunity to inspire her as she has me. In just the short time that I knew her, she truly made an impact on my life and for that I am grateful. She never spoke of what we should be grateful for. She just lived grateful for every moment.

I love, love, love, her posts about the simple things. “Photos by Little J,” “Harmony,” and “Runny Home”, to name a few. And the posts that were not so simple were beautiful too.

We are here, if you need anything at all. Here in Sugartown, that’s what we do….

Little J and Dennis,
I met Jennifer while we worked together at Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA. We gave out change in the arcade. We also took a chemistry class together in high school at the time. Let me tell you she was so much fun and I truly enjoyed spending time with her! She made me laugh a lot. I always remembered her fondly and was grateful for the time she called in sick for me so I could go to a concert on a Saturday (there were no cell phones at that time) when I was supposed to work that day.
Years later, we got back in touch through FB and I got to tell her how much that meant to me. We caught up with each others’ lives, and realized that our paths almost crossed again, through my work in visual effects, but missed by a few months here and there. It was exciting to hear from her again. Then, she got the bad news about the ‘stinkies’ in her belly.
I’ve learned a ton from her about how precious life really is, and also I can tell how much she truly loves you both. I’m so sorry and terribly sad to know she isn’t among us now. But I am so glad that I knew her!!!!!!! And I believe that her amazing energy lives on and will watch over you.
With love, Dawn from Canyon Country, CA.

Dearest Jennifer,
You are so loved. What an incredible love story with Dennis. I can’t count the number of times he said you are the smartest person he’s ever met. So many times I was in awe of your parenting, courage and humor. I will never forget tearing up the dance floor with you. Fortunately James inherited your rock star moves. Good bye, Jennifer. You are forever in my heart.
Love, Elizabeth (from San Francisco, CA)

Dennis and James: Much Love to you during this time. Jennifer is one of the strongest women I’ve known. We met via our mutual friend, Dawn Gates, and hoped to meet soon, but she always wrote me, in each recovery stage that she needed to focus her time with the two of you, the loves of her life. I feel fortunate to know her and that she shared her journey with us. Very few of us will know the true deep love she shared with her friends and family. May you find comfort knowing how much she was loved and respected. (Tami – SF, CA)

Dennis and James:
Jennifer was one of the strongest women I’ve known. We met via our mutual friend, Dawn. Each time we were scheduled to meet, she felt it important to have more time with you, James and Dennis. It takes a strong woman to make her love the priority. And each time, she offered assurance and comfort about her journey, keeping her new friends feeling as though we’d spent quality time with her through her words. I have not met you, but felt through her pictures and stories that you are the loves of her life and few of us will be lucky enough to know such love. It is with great sadness that I feel her loss on this planet, but find comfort and hope that you will too knowing her presence on this earth and her memory will be long lasting. (Tami – SF, CA)

I have followed your mother’s story from Pennsylvania. Although I only know her through the internet, her grace has taught me–another mother of young children with ovarian cancer–how I might bring myself and my cherished daughters through this experience with strength and hope. Trust always that your mother’s love and luminous spirit will keep you.

Jenn and I were ESC wives, and as our husbands moved onto the next phases of their careers, and we moved into motherhood, we no longer moved in the same circles. But I have been faithfully reading her blog since its inception. Jen was a beautiful writer, and I found so much wisdom from her on how to live life, how to focus on what matters, how to be a better mother. I had been intending to tell her exactly that but I hesitated–did she realize how much power her words had? Was I ready to admit my own struggles to get my life centered? I always thought I had more time to tell her, but that’s one of the lessons I had been learning from Jen, clearly not well enough–choose wisely how you spend your time because it runs out for all of us one way or another. Our hearts are with you, Dennis and James. (Pacifica, CA)

Dennis and Little J,
On behalf of our Relay for Life Family, we extend our sincerest sympathies. Jenn was truly an amazing woman, an inspiration, a fighter. We will always remember her and Little J leading our Luminaria Ceremony in 2011.

We’d like to extend our love and support, please don’t hesitate to call on us.

Jenn, while you may not physically be with us at this year’s event, we will honor your friendship and know your spirit will walk with all of us for years to come. We were blessed to have crossed paths.

Dennis and James, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Even though I haven’t seen you often in recent years, I have vivid memories of Jennifer as a beautiful bride, happy and excited expectant mother, and proud mother of a wonderful son. I hope your happy memories will bring you some measure comfort. She was a very special lady.

I only had the pleasure of knowing Jennifer for a short time but I feel so fortunate that I did. She always amazed me. She was always smiling and so warm and friendly. She had a huge heart and was so giving of herself and her time. I will miss her. (Lannette, a fellow Lu Sutton mom)

Little J, your mom and I worked together years ago at Leapfrog. I knew her before you and before “the real O.C.,” but her spirit and love of live seemed exactly the same as when you knew her. No one appreciated a good bagel with lox or a nice yoga stretch in a cramped cubicle as much as your mom did. She radiated love every time she spoke about your dad, or the band James (which she claimed did not have an impact on your name choice, but I’m not so sure). And she managed to make the most mundane item of a workplace lunch — the sandwich — into “sandwich parties.” Watching her dig into a Wonder Bread, Nutella, Lay’s chip sandwich makes you realize nothing is mundane about appreciating the things you love every day. She made an impression on everyone she met and she will truly be missed.

We met once, little J, at a swim meet for Abbie and Emma in Marinwood. You looked so handsome in your A’s uniform. My daughter, though not much older than you, was impressed by your calm. She took a peek as you, Wyatt, and Ricky headed to the park for some batting practice. I really only know your mom through her incredible insight expressed through a gorgeous blog. We did attend a movie once, but I won’t admit which one. (hint: she was team Edward, I rooted for Jacob). Published thoughts can profoundly connect people in a manner farther reaching than conscious chit chat. As I read her words whenever she posted them, I felt better about this world in which we spend such a shirt time. Your mama spent a shorter time here than most mamas that now surround you. Though short on time, her choices and reflections about life in general seem to defy timelines. Writers like your mama gift their love so freely. Much like your moment with dear Clever, people who loved Jennifer in any form they had the privilege of knowing her, are no doubt sobbing into fluffy towels behind closed doors. But, you little J may forever color pictures knowing her spirit is always with you.

I am stunned. Jenn inspired me with her love and hope. I am truly sad that she has died this way. I mourn for you and Little J and pray he will remember her always thankfully as it will be a long road. His words are very sweet. She dwells within him and he will strengthen. I will miss Jenn’s blog as I, too, have ovca and felt joined to her at least somewhat in our connection. Now that she is gone, well, I am already feeling the hole. Life is a cruel but beautiful mystery. She said, Wow wow wow? Oh, how beautiful that is. Bless you all and may her courage lighten your hearts a little. how truly tragic a loss.

Such sadness that our beautiful friend has passed away. Jenn was such a wonderful Mom, she had prepared Little J for this day. I want to share my own Little J story with you – With the news of Jenn still racing through my head, I pulled into my driveway and Little J runs up to my car looking for his friend, like he so often does. He wanted to share something with N and raced over to our neighbors to find him. N was in the garage trying to figure out how to put an injured mouse into a box so that the cat couldn’t catch him. With all of the kids gathered around, I scooped the mouse into a box. The mouse limped from the box and disappeared into the bushes with only his tail peeking out. The girls were so concerned about the mouse and what would happen to him when Little J simply said “ Well he will probably die, that’s life. My Mom died today, it’s okay, that’s just life.” With that said, we took Little J’s lead and our spirits were lifted with all the love and laugher we had and will share in our lives because of having known Jenn.

I am so sorry to hear of the passing of my friend.We were and always will be connected in our fight for life.I loved her and will continue to do so.She has left her mark on the world by leaving her son J who is so much like his mom. And you Dennis, because she chose a strong compassionate, loving man to be the father of her child and her husband, a testament to who she was as a person.We cherish you both.We will all cry for many days and years from this loss of a beautiful soul.As she said Wow wow wow.Much love Jen, you will be missed but not forgotten.

Sweet James. I just want you to know that your mommy has meant so much to me and our family. I have been fighting the big “C” battle with my daughter, Kayla, who goes to your school. Your mom fought so courageously and did so with a smile on her face the whole time. She was such an inspiration to so many, especially me. She helped me to stay strong and courageous during some really scary and hard times. She still does. I know your mommy will be surrounding you and your dad always…. protecting you. Listen for her. Look for signs of her around you. She will be there. We will be continuing to pray for you, your dad Dennis, and for all who are missing your mommy too. Love, the Dehnert Family. Annie, Denny, Kayla and Anthony – Novato, CA.

I was fortunate enough to have gone to high school with Jenn after I moved to Southern California before junior year. She was one of the “coolest chicks” I knew – so much fun to be around and had one of the kindest souls. She also had the coolest car in school (that’s a happy memory of her zipping around in the Avanti)

I am struggling with the right words to say, other than that the world has lost one of its shining stars….but now as little J so bravely put it, she is still with us in spirit.

If there’s anything I can do, please let me know. Some of us have been sharing her blog and I’d like you to know that some of my friends who never had the good fortune to meet her have been incredibly moved by fourseeds and especially by Little J’s words. They are asking if there’s anything THEY can do as well. Please take some comfort in knowing that you and little J can just say the word and we will be there.

Dennis and J,
I am so sorry for your loss. Jennifer was such a beautiful, positive, vibrant, intelligent woman and she will be missed. I met Jennifer 15 or so years ago when she was roommates with my college friend Karen in San Francisco. I have many fond memories of Jennifer–she introduced me to Bikram yoga (which I did for a short time; I was not as fond of the heat and sweat as Jennifer and Karen); fun parties she and Karen threw at their apartment; and conversations with Jennifer about editing, a profession we had in common. She had a beautiful laugh and was always upbeat. As little J observes, her spirit lives on. She touched so many lives so deeply.
Katie in San Francisco

Jennifer was an incredible, extraordinary, awesome woman! Jennifer and I went to Hart together. Though we hadn’t seen each other since then, I had been following her blog and we communicated up until recently. And she indeed touched so many lives. I am sorry for you loss.
Sabine from Thousand Oaks, CA

I am going to miss you, Jennifer. Miss your words and all your stories and photographs and all the moments and the wisdom, wow, the wisdom and the light you gave off and the extraordinary love you radiate out all the time, and still do, and always will.

I am so thankful for you. I smile to think of you smiling, you saying “Wow.” Because, YES to wow. Yes to all of it—everything you have and are and shared and gave. Yes to you giving me the gift of “Wow,” when I read your words or spoke to you. Yes to your cartwheels and laughter and yes to you giving and giving and giving love. Yes to your friends who adore you. Yes to your beautiful family. Yes to Dennis, and your love story together. And the Yes-est YES, to your utterly amazing boy, Little J. Yes, to what an incredibly mother you have been.

Yes. Jennifer. Thank you. I feel filled with your smile. Filled with your peace. Filled, just to the very ends of me, with love for you.

I would pass Jennifer everyday while picking up our boys from school. We would always chat about the weather and if it was sandle or boot weather. She always had the best boots on Jennifer always walked with such confidence and the biggest smile on her face. James has that same confidence and beautiful smile!
I did not have a lot of time to get to know Jennifer, but from what I did it was obivious she is special!

Dearest Dennis and little J, what an impossibly sad, sad time we are all experiencing.

I met Jennifer in 2000 when we were living in SF and our partners worked together. What an amazing personality Jennifer showed me. From the moment we met, I knew I wanted to get to know her better.
I was desperate for a friend in America, and she was so interesting and so interested….her smile, her laugh, her generosity of spirit, her warmth to a lonely Aussie….all this and more is why 12 years later I am still so proud to call her my friend.
There were times when living so far away made a connection hard, but whenever we met or talked it was like we had been together only the day before.
I am so grateful that I knew you Jenn, that we had all those vacations together, those weekends away, those lunchtime walks along the water, those hikes through the woods, those Skype calls, those brief snapshots of your life as a wife, as a mother and as a friend, when we could get back to SF. I love you, I miss you and I know that as little J told us, your spirit will be with us always.

Thank you Dennis for that last blog post. You always were her rock and the absolute love of her life! xxxx

Amy connected Jennifer and me 4 years ago when your lives were stunned by this horrific disease. Jennifer and I called and emailed as we shared information about treating OV cancer. What I discovered was a gentle soul, a wise and loving woman. She looked for the best in others and did not waste time with the ‘small’ stuff in life. I so admire her courage and spirit and her priorities.

To Dennis and Little J she will always be near you in your memories and heart. And for us too. May her soul be a blessing to you and the family.

Through the website Inspire, for ovarian cancer patients, I learned of Jenn’s passing.

Although I only know Jenn through her writing, I feel connected with her spirit. I too battle this disease, mainly so that my young children can have a mother. I can’t help but weep for your loss. I also know that the mother- spirit of Jenn will be a constant in your son’s life, who seems so wise for his years. Eventually the pain of grief will subside, but never shall Jenn’s memory be lost.

Hi Dennis – I loved every minute working with Jennifer, first at GlobalEnglish where she was an inspirational manager and colleague. We had a little bonding moment when she teared up during a meeting and I passed her my handkerchief. She said, “Of course Erik has a handkerchief,” everyone laughed, and the sad moment passed. And, later on, when Jennifer developed a variety of projects with me at McGraw-Hill, I really got to see her creativity in action. I loved how engaged she was in each project kick-off meeting and how she pushed herself and us to find the most creative solution possible to each challenge. And those magical projects are out in the world, helping students learn English every day! All my best, Erik

Hello Dennis and Little J, I had the pleasure and privilege of working with Jennifer here at GlobalEnglish over a decade ago. Jennifer was creative, exacting, and utterly committed to quality in everything she did here, and the outcome was a online service that contributes daily to millions of people improving English skills and improving their lives. She was a leader and a consistently conscientious voice for high standards. I had no idea that she was suffering in this way, but please know that she made a huge difference with her work and that legacy continues each and every day.