The drugs don’t work

Subtitle: my failings with meal replacement shakes.

I am the heaviest I’ve been since I was pregnant with Grover SEVEN years ago. I could put the blame on the head meds, one of them is a sure fire vehicle for weight gain. I could put the blame on the thyroid, lazy bastard that it is, or I could own up to the somewhat dubious diet I’ve engaged with this year. Why yes, that would be some jazz hands of junk food appearing behind me.

I think it best we put it down to a mixed entree of medication, biology and life. 2013 has been a real stinker.

One of the things I have tried – and which I tell myself almost daily am going to commit to – is the land of the meal replacement shakes. I’m doing the RapidLoss ones and the “latte” (pffft, please) one doesn’t taste half bad. But I’m just not good at taking them. For starters, I think they would work a treat if I didn’t like food so much.

The main problem is I just forget to make them. Then I eat something, remember I was going to have the shake, have the shake then realise that probably counts for two meals and hooo boy do I feel queasy.

Sometimes I get it the other way around. I have the shake, forget I’ve had the shake (they take a little while before you feel full) so have something else to eat.

I’m the village idiot of the dieting industry.

The corker for me is when I negotiate in.my.mind that I won’t have a shake but I will eat a large packet of potato chips. All made better by drinking vast amounts of water. I have been known to then have the shake in the vein hope it’s effect is retrograde.

My shrink keeps reassuring me that I will lose the weight but at the moment life trumps everything so curiously he’s putting me not topping myself above me not looking like Violet Beauregard.

I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and perhaps 2014 will be the year of the disappearing 20kgs.