Is Hillary Clinton Too Drunk To Be President?

Why is Hillary Clinton embarrassing herself so much with this disenfranchisement bullshit, or the other bullshit with which she’s embarrassing herself? It’s because she is drunk, very drunk, all the time, forever, so drunk that she cannot DO ANYTHING — LOOK AT HER. Obama would be drunk too, all the time, but he wants to be a strong black role model. [Sigh]. More pictures of Hillary getting drunk again with reporters on her airplane, after the jump!

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

I’m not going to lie, these are the pictures that make me like/identify with her a little bit, as I too like to get drunk with wine and laugh like a smug asshole.

Joey Ratz

That guy standing behind her – what is he doing? Where is his hand???

tunamelt

But for clarification purposes, I too, am too drunk to be president.

Godless Liberal *

By my count she has now had one Crown Royal, one scotch, and two poor-person-beers over the last month. She is clearly a drunkard, and it is no wonder she is having trouble getting a job.

AudicityofHope

Damn straight she is! But can you blame her? Poor gal is still trying to get a grasp on the reality that she is NOT going to be the first woman preznit. Let’s just step back and watch the trainwreck play out.

@TunaMelt: Does your “wine” also come in crystal tumblers and look like scotch?

AxmxZ

Damn, now I kind of sort of have a flicker of liking for her again.

But then I remember that most of my friends who collided with Barry in Hyde Park over the years did so in Kimbark Liquors or Benny’s, and I feel all better again.

satyricrash

That she’s been using Strom Thurman’s hand explains soooo much…

Dramatist

She’s trying to get at that Elite vote by acting like a WASP. Oh, wait, she is a WASP.

Can I just say that we have some decidedly chemically dependent folks in this race. Walnuts rocks the Ambien and sleep-eats, Obama is right now talking about Hope when he’s really jonesing for some nicotine, and Hillary is tapping into her inner sorority-chick/date-rape-victim. Kudos, you three! Wear your addictions on your sleeves, as that is the only way that the problems of this Chinese Water Torture Election will go away.

iwillsavethispatient

So, the guy who suggested she take a shot of whiskey was a PLANT??

Godless Liberal *

I will say that the first picture is the first time I have ever seen her standing in a fashion that does not look like it was carefully choreographed and arranged based on the results of tri-state opinion polls. She looks almost, dare I say it, human.

Almost.

lumpenprole

She’s fooling everyone. Everyone knows that Hillary is a mean drunk given to imbecilic rages.

Dramatist

Oh, and PS – it’s Makers Mark. So it would seem she is capable of at least one good decision.

I just graduated from college. I still drink everything, including wine, out of the very patriotic bright red Solo cups and make no distinction as to what alcohol actually is, so long as it serves its patriotic duty of getting me drunk.

Apparently, I am also drunk right now.

Obamaton

In that last picture she looks like the lost love child of WC Fields.

shortsshortsshorts

Oh c’mon, she’s not drunk. It’s baby’s blood.

CollegeStudent

@Dramtist: That makes sense. Maker’s is made in Kentucky, scotch is from small, caucus-holding, red states that don’t count.

Dramatist

Will I be the first to say it? Hillary’s going to be making some 3 AM phone calls, rather than receiving them.

“What the fuck *hic* is wrong with you, you hot black *hic* motherfucker! Why are we doing this?! *hic* I mean, come on! Come onnnnnn! Can’t you *hic* see? That I love you? And that’s why I attack? I love you, you bastard!” (vomits)

metropolitan

the party was going great until drunk skunk hillary showed up and started dividing into her cliques of chicks, latinos, townies and whatever she could muster. once she had the party divided and pissed at each other she kept insisting we all hold her upside down to do keg stands even though there was no beer left. by 5 a.m. everyone was pretty much gone except for her as she refused to leave just because some guys told her it was all over. by the time the cops got there she was all crazy drinking listerine shots with geraldine ferraro.
suffice to say, her antics destroyed the party.

Uncle Al

Gawd, one drink and she aged 10 years in that last picture.

Her nursing-home hands have a death grip on that glass of scotch.

Cicada

I like this drunk and happy Hilz! Maybe she and Bill should have passed out cans of PBR instead of “I’m not bitter” signs at her rallies.

Dramatist

The dude with the bad hair in the first photo looks very concerned and hurt, as if his candidate is killing the idealism that drove him into politics in the first place. Or, you know, he needs to break the seal.

Black Cat

Who wouldn’t drink if they were married to Bill?

queeraselvis v 2.0

What’s not seen is the fourth picture, which shows the chick with the lanyard garrotting Hillary until she turns a bright shade of turquoise.

ManchuCandidate

Why do I keep imagining that “Slow Ride” is playing in the background?

tunamelt

Is that dude in picture 2 drinking a Corona, btw? How un-American.

fishstickz

I wonder if she’s drunk enough to be president.

SayItWithWookies

Livin’ on No Doz
Like hard workin’ white folks
Hearing your sexist remarks on the news.
But I’ll ease the tension
Right before the convention
‘Cause I’ve got the Klan and the poors and the Jews —

Wastin’ away again
On the plane of fools —
Searchin’ for my
Big delegate count.
Some people say
that I should just go away
But I think — it’s too late for that now.

I don’t need a reason
To finish the season
The Solomon Islands and maybe the moon —
And if I’m not winning
I’ll still keep on spinning
‘Cause RFK was assassinated in June.

Wastin’ away again
On the plane of fools —
Searchin’ for my
Big delegate count.
Some people say
that I should just go away
But I think — it’s too late for that now.

wonk_the_heck

it’s 3AM, the phone rings in the white house, hillz is passed out on pink squirrels in a DC skid row flop house.

Dramatist

Wait! I see someone holding a video camera in those photos! YOUTUBE! YOUTUBE!!

Pravda

With a little luck, she’ll become America’s next Franklin Pierce…

AngryBlakGuy

…hey, hey, hey cut the woman some slack! Alcohol is all the woman has nowadays, if you take it away from her what else would she have to live for? Hmmmmmmm, now that I think about it someone get her into AA ASAP!!!

georgia_peach

This is definitely the first photo that I’ve seen of HRC that didn’t make me want to slap her very, very hard.

LOL at laughing like a smug asshole…it’s true. But at least she’s not laughing like an ELITIST.

weirdiowasculpture

Was Franklin Pierce a scary white bitch too?

Diadhuit

you might say she is so drunk so very often that she should become a commenter on Wonkette…

officejob9000

Hey you leave our most medicore president and my alma matter out of this!

StrangelyBrown

Wait, didn’t she hate the press on Wednesday? And now they’re all playing Three Man together? (That scarf = beer helmut.) I’m wondering just exactly who’s plying whom with booze on that place.

freakishlystrong

Goddam it! Even drunk and she won’t lose the damn pantsuits..

FunkyPalmettoBug

I’m offended as a bourbon drinker.

AngryBlakGuy

…which one of those guys/gals(don’t wanna be sexist) do you guys suppose is the pilot?

Can youuu plzzzz make an icanhascheezburger photo caption series out of these photos?

RonaldReagansHair

I did a project on Franklin Pierce in grade school (because I was sick and every single other freaking President was taken by the time I came back — I think it was called Pierce Pursuit a la Trivial Pursuit) and I’ll say this for him: he may have been the worst president in history, but, like, (and this is from my foggy memory — I haven’t wiki-ed it or anything) his whole family died during his short tenure. There would be no such excuse for the giant, weeping cloud over the whitehouse that would come with a Hillary presidency.

StrangelyBrown

Er, on that plane. Also, I thought Alan Alda was Franklin Pierce.

Dramatist

And then there was Wednesday night’s airborne bourbon swig in front of reporters on her plane, with Mrs. Clinton holding court for the diminishing press pool accompanying her.

Fernando Suarez, a reporter for CBS News who has been traveling with Mrs. Clinton’s campaign since October, asked her if she had ever been to Mount Rushmore before her visit there earlier in the day. Mrs. Clinton said she in fact had.

“Before you were born,” she added, looking at Mr. Suarez, who is 29, and noting that “I did a lot of things before you were born.”

The guy looks sort of like a dumb version of David Gedge. Does this mean that Hills likes Foreign Elitist Music?

RacerMex

That male reporter’s smile says everything, he is finally going to get him some of that sweet old lady lovin’. She might give him some candy from her candy dish later, but only if he is a good boy.

Godless Liberal *

@freakishlystrong: I’m grateful for that, bub.

WIDTAP

“speech” – the roofies are affecting my spelin agun.

FalafelBilly

Jeez, maybe she actually does enjoy the odd glass of whiskey. I’m really sick of her, but if by chance she gets hammered and beats the fuck of out of Dana Milbank, I may just change my mind.

officejob9000

Maybe it is because I went to Franklin Pierce or have a soft spot for alcoholic failures, either way the guy’s wife bit it and then his son was killed in a train wreck on the way to a family friends funeral, so I can’t really fault him for his pension for the drink. I guess what I am saying is that though he paved the way for the Southern Cession he is still not as hateful as Hilary Clinton.

@Ronaldpagan: Maybe Rachel Ray can loan Hillary one of her scarves and then everyone will boycott her and we can be done with this whole mess.

TGY

Dramatist

Also liked this section, which is more on-point:

In the course of her presidential campaign, Mrs. Clinton has bemoaned the triviality of elections, noting that they seem to devolve at times into a contest of whom America would rather have a beer with.

“We tried that once and it didn’t work out so well,” she has said, referring to George W. Bush’s apparent victory in the drinking-buddy primary over Al Gore (never mind that Mr. Bush long ago stopped drinking).

She said nothing, however, about the harder stuff. And, indeed, one of the amusing sidelights of Mrs. Clinton’s uphill struggles of recent months has been her evolving taste in liquid refreshment.

Early in the campaign, it was not uncommon to see the former first lady daintily sipping cranberry juice or tea in the front of her campaign plane, or the occasional taste of wine. But in recent weeks, as she has burnished a connection with bar-stool Democrats, Mrs. Clinton has at times threatened to turn the race for the Democratic nomination into a drinking contest, with Senator Barack Obama stepping up to the plate to down Yuenglings in Pennsylvania.

For Mrs. Clinton, it began in Indiana last month with the now semi-famous photo opportunity of her bellying up for some shots and a beer in a Crown Point tavern. There was a subsequent visit to the Makers Mark distillery in Kentucky this month, and a picture last weekend in Puerto Rico of Mrs. Clinton posing with a bottle of Presidente beer.

This looks like she’s at about 88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer…
When all is said and done, though, at least this broad has the cajones to drink in front of everybody, unlike some pseudo-dry-drunk pussies I can name… (*cough*BUSH*cough*)
Bottom’s up, Hillz! 8O

It won’t be long before elections are decided by which team of prez/vp candidates can chug das boot the fastest.

AngryBlakGuy

SuperRounder

I can’t lie, I kinda like the “fuck it, let’s get drunk” Hillz. If she had just conceded the nomination race, all would be forgiven. But alas. She can get half points if later on that night she drunkenly tried to get Billy Bob to give her some.

RobPetrified

I’m starting to like Hills more and more.
A wise man once told me: “Never trust anyone who doesn’t drink.”
Of course he was a liquor salesman, but doesn’t that prove that he was smart?

ronaldpagan

Yo Dramatist, that Times article is really funny!

Mrs. Clinton threw back another tequila shot, then sucked greedily on the lime with a passion she hadn’t shown since late nights at the Wesleyan dorms. “And another fuckin’ thing about this Osama guy…” she paused, as if holding back vomit. “He’s gonna get, fuckin, assannissated. That’s what 50 said. Hey, Suarez, you’re cute. Did anyone ever tell you that?” Fernando Suarez stealthily moved his chair another 10 inches away. “So, like I’m saying,” Clinton continued, “if Mike Huckabee doesn’t shoot Barack Obama, I know some people who can help.” She giggled, then leaned in closer to Suarez, toppling her chair over in the process. After another fit of giggles, she grabbed Suarez’s leg to steady herself, and then looked up at him. The reporter averted his gaze from the desparation in her eyes. “Fernando, betcha never did it with the future president of the United States!”

Darehead

@ronaldpagan. She wears scarves to hide her vampire bites.

Also, thanks for posting the complete Paultard Mountain way back there yonder!

Lionel Hutz Esq.

Come on, give Obama a break. Have you ever tried to get drunk and do cocain at the same time?

Can’t be done.

Lionel Hutz Esq.

Over heard on Hillary’s plane:

No, no, listen…, I can still win it. All we need is for something to happen. I’m not saying what…, nope, not me…., wouldn’t at all say what would happen that might make it work, . . . I learned my leason . . . but I can still be president….

Hey, turn this plane around! We’re going to Tijuana!!!!

jagorev

@tunamelt: That’s actually in line with US history. In the early years of the republic, outright campaigning was frowned upon and seen as somewhat dishonorable. Since only a few people had the vote, candidates for Congress or surrogates for Presidential candidates would host pig roasts/barbecues, technically just “social events” for all the voters in a district, and basically whoever provided the most lavish feast and booze would win.

Lionel Hutz Esq.

@Darehead.

I thought that was Rachel Ray.

ClothCoated

The Anne Bancroft Dustin – Hoffman thing going on in the first picture is a bit more than I needed to see today. Coocoo ca choo, Mrs. Clinton. I need a shower now.

Lorax

OfficeJob 9000: Where can I get a pension for drinking? I’m hard-working and white, if that helps.

Now that she’s all drunk and smiley, she reminds of Al Gore, post-election loss, when he was photographed in a half-unbuttoned shirt and with a beer bottle, and Tina Fey said: “Where was this guy yesterday? People would’ve voted for him!”

It’s not her it’s that chimp in the white house moving her robotic arm with mind control.

el Guapo

Caption for photo sequence:

“Now by this time I’m plenty high,
You know when your mouth a-getting dry you’re plenty high
Looked down the bar I say to my bartender
I said “Look man, come down here”, he got down there
So what you want this time?
I said “Look man, a-what time is it?”
He said “The clock on the wall say three o’clock
Last call for alcohol, so what you need?”

One bourbon, one scotch, one beer
No I ain’t seen my baby since a nigh’ and a week,
Gotta get drunk man till I can’t even speak
Gonna get high man listen to me,
One drink ain’t enough Jack you better make it three
I wanna get drunk I’m gonna make it real clear,
I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
One bourbon, one scotch, one beer “

tunamelt

I bang on the door but you won’t let me in,
’cause you’re sick and tired of me reeking of gin.
Locked all the doors from the front to the back,
And left me a note telling me I should pack.
I walk in the bar and the fella’s all cheer,
They order me up a whiskey and beer.
You ask me why I’m writing this poem,
Some call it a tavern but I call it home.
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Pour my beer down the sink I’ve got more in the trunk.
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Fuck you, I’m drunk
And I’m going to be drunk till the next time I’m drunk!
You’ve given me an option, you say I must choose,
‘tween you and the liquor, then I’ll take the booze!
Jumpin’ on Western down to the south side,
Where I’ll sit down and exercise my Irish pride.
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Pour my beer down the sink I’ve got more in the trunk.
Fuck you, I’m drunk
Fuck you, I’m drunk
And I’m going to be drunk till the next time I’m drunk!

Lionel Hutz Esq.

@ronaldpagan:

Ah, to be young and hopeful again.

newhampsha

I love scotch! Scotchy scotch scotch!

Mahousu

In the first picture, check out the array of stuff lying across the seat back – I assume from Hillary emptying her pockets looking for liquor money. We’ve got a harmonica, a couple of personal tasers, and a pack of cigarettes. And is that an egg vibrator over there?

(Yeah, yeah, I know they’re all just mini recorders, but hey…)

Gopherit v2.0

If she wasn’t wearing a pantsuit, I’d be wondering where his hands were in that first pic.

You don’t have to remind me,
I smell like a skunk,
Excuse me baby but,
(hic) I’m drunk.

Queer Duck

Well Hill, Take the edge off! I’d drink too if I had all of those pompus as-‘s in my face all day long. You go right on girl slug it. I see she’s drinkin’ neat and I think she is probably holding her rocks in the other hand. Men hate strong wemon because, they scare ‘em. You go honey! I would not want a president that quit in the face of probable defeat. Stay up their butt and run Hillary run!

Nospam

So is that wild expression from the booze or the UFIA from the guy behind her?