TRASHY GOSSIP

The Richie SamborBRA begins our list of the Worst Celebrity Endorsed Gift Items of the Season. Fed up with being taunted for his "man boobs" when photographed carousing topless on the beach with Denise Richards, Richie Sambora went to work creating a masculine mammary support system for men who suffer from gynecomastia, or simply for those seeking a little more sleek support for their gravitationally-challenged physique. Shipped from China last summer, the SamborBRAs gathered dust as they sat unpurchased on store shelves across the country. Oh well, Richie Sambora now has his own lifetime supply and might be able to sell a few here and there off eBay. medium: photo composite, collaboration with partner in crime.

Clothing designer Stella McCartney will seek sweet revenge on her gold digging, one-legged ex-Stepmonster by offering a single-leg pendant as part of her new Heather Mills jewelry collection. It was hard enough to watch her father marry and then divorce the greedy money-grubber, but what finally sent Stella over the edge was Heather's tearful woe-is-memediacampaignagainst Sir Paul. Click here to see the rest of Stella's lovely collection of Heather Mills jewelry, including the Gold Digger Charm and the diamond encrusted Evil She-Devil Pendant. Medium: photoshop goofiness, concept created by Holy Candy, jewelry designed by 14.

Recent reports claim Pete Doherty's cats were found with cocaine in their systems. Similar to the air in Rome, Junkie Pete's London apartment is wafting with enough cocaine particles to keep him, his cats, and his entire neighborhood high for months. After noticing his cats were snorting lines, hallucinating, drinking all his beer, and stealing his car for crack-fueled joy rides, Pete came up with an idea. He would gather trash, bits of rotting food and dust from his apartment and make cat treats from it. Pete Doherty's Crack Addict Crunchies are taking London by storm and will soon be available in the United States. They're 40 times stronger than catnip and your cat is guaranteed to love them...but please, keep them out of reach from Hollywood starlets. Medium: oil on wood, digital color. Original sketch here.

Much discussion has erupted over the recent announcement of the $45,000 Loius Vuitton bag. Only two dozen were made, and despite the fact they look like something a lawnmower chewed up, all have quickly sold out. If you think paying $45,000 is outrageous, then get a load of this Loius Vuitton $150,000 Urban Satchel debuting for Spring 2008:

Made of the world's finest Italian leather, this one-of-a-kind luxury handbag is hand-crafted with carefully chosen "urban charms". The proud owner of this exclusive handbag will be able to flaunt her impeccable style and lavish taste to a world that can only dream about owning such a rare and precious possession. Medium: an old purse found in the back of my closet, rubber cement, various bits of trash found on the sidewalks of San Francisco.

Ashley Olsen has signed a multimillion dollar endorsement deal to advertise the $150,000 Urban Satchel in upcoming issues of Vogue. It's rumored the Olsen Twins are locked in heated battle over who gets to purchase the bag, while Anna Wintour and Victoria Beckham have started a nasty bidding war for it. Medium: Photoshop collage.

I hate to say it, but the $45,000 bag pictured above looks sooooo last season compared to the innovative design of the Urban Satchel.

Even if you manage to avoid developing brain cancer from using your mobile phone, you still have to worry about the possibility of an angry Naomi Campbell hurling one at your head. One of the largest mobile device makers has teamed up with the aging supermodel to introduce the most fashionable phone to ever hit the runway. Studded with sparkling pink Swarovski crystals and featuring an exclusive 3 carat diamond, no one would guess that with a push of a button, this innocent little phone becomes a dangerous Ninja shuriken. The antenna doubles as a grenade pin...just pull and toss at your enemy! A set of Swiss army knives are also included, along with a high quality nail file and secret lipstick compartment.

Look, I realize this is pandering to the lowest common denominator of cesspool gossip, but my mission is to illustrate gossip...and so I do what I must. My inspiration comes from the fact Britney Spears and Cheetos have become so synonymous that one term is rarely mentioned without the other. Just take a look at what the bloggers are saying. In addition, Star magazine has been monitoring Brit's weight gain over the past month and even ran a cover photo screaming "Brit Gains 20 lbs. MORE!"

Our investigative team has just uncovered Frito-Lay's plans to expand their product line by offering Cheetos Britney, an even cheesier, greasier and more unnatural shade of orange crunchy snack. We were able to obtain a prototype image of the bag (see above) and also got our hands on the teaser ad (see below) scheduled to appear in upcoming magazines right before the product becomes available.

This is what the ad will look like inserted into the pages of a sample magazine.

Just about every week, you'll find tabloid headlines pointing out the latest star wasting away to bones. Photos document the skeleton du jour's hasty descent from healthy and robust to frail and thin. The photos are shocking, not because the women are so thin....but because their heads are so HUGE compared to their stick-like bodies. Nicole Richie, Teri Hatcher, and Christina Ricci
have collaberated to create a guilt-free snack that is causing a
sensation in Hollywood. These NO calorie, NO fat Hollypops are the
perfect meal for the gal who just can't seem to get thin enough. Three
mouthwatering flavors, Lettuce, Water, and Espresso are sure to satisfy your appetite and sooth your hunger pangs. Medium: Gouache on Paper

PS: Sorry I was gone for so long. I fell into a roiling pit of hedonism and then got dragged through the burning embers of catharsis. I'm back now!

If you like sour candies, then you'll love Renee Zellweger'sEXTREME SOUR LEMON Candy. It's the sourest candy available on the market and is sure to put a permanent pucker on your face. Grab a package today and taste just how EXTREMELY sour these candies really are! Medium: Oil on board, digital color.