Dear restaurants,

Here are a few words and phrases that you need to stop using on menus:

World-famous: While I do not doubt the esteem with which your cinnamon rolls and pie are held throughout this particular congressional district, it seems unlikely that someone in, say, Cambodia would recognize them in a photo. President Obama is world-famous. Your confection is not.

Mixed vegetables: Just be honest with me, okay? My entree will be accompanied by two cauliflower florets, three baby carrots, and four beans that may or may not have at one time been identified as green.

Cooked/grilled to perfection: This has no meaning.

Fire-roasted: This is meant to evoke rustic images of an open flame, fueled by the most aromatic of wood, when in fact it usually means that your kitchen’s ovens and cook tops happen to feature heat. Unless you really are truly charring my food over a wood fire, just say it’s roasted.

Assorted seasonal vegetables: See mixed vegetables

Mashers: Everybody loves mashed potatoes. Even those weird low-carb people love mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes do not need to be re-branded with a cutesy name (in particular, one that violates one of my cardinal rules for food).