On 1/05/2009 evanbb wrote:>>>This made me laugh.>>Poignant too, as there's a Dr Seuss exhibition on at the Hyatt in Canberra>starting today. Looks really interesting. He was a sculptor first, then>an advertiser, then a children's book author. Got his imagination ticking>as a young child by 'making new animals' from body parts his dad bought>home from his job as taxidermist at the zoo! weirdo!

It's green eggs and green ham with a fork in it on a white plate. I thought the picture made it pretty
obvious.

Holidays are over and Little Johnnie returns to school (late, as usual) just as Miss was asking the first question of the day. "Children, what was the best thing you did over the holidays? No shouting - hands up please!".

"MISS!! PICK ME!! PICK ME!!" shouts Little Johnnie from up the back. Still mentally scarred from the "contagious" debacle, Miss picks Jenny. "Jenny, you have your hand up straight and tall - what was the best thing you did over the holidays?"

"Miss, we went to Seaworld, and seeing the dolphins perform was the best part of my holiday!" explained Jenny.

"Very good Jenny! Now who else wants to share their holiday with the class?"

"COME ON MISS!!! YOU NEVER PICK ME!!" yells Little Johnnie. Knowing better than to give Little Johnnie an opening, Miss picks Bruce. "Bruce, what was the best part of your holiday?"

"Me and me dad went rabbit shootin', and I got one! We then cooked up a big rabbit stew and had it for dinner!" says Bruce.

"How delightful, Bruce!" says Miss, "Now let's get one last story from the class. Who wants to go next?"

"MISS FOR FARK'S SAKE!! PICK ME!" comes an exasperated voice from up the back. In a resigned voice Miss replies "Ok Little Johnnie, stand up and tell the class the best part of your holiday."

"Thanks Miss! Well one day I was down the creek and caught this huge fark-off frog, so I took him home, shoved some firecrackers up his ar5e, and ..."

Hasn't it been another interesting week out at the Arapiles Pines lovely Chockstoners?
Derek my M10 love says that the events were all a storm in a tea cup, because if they were really drinking hard then they wouldn't remember any of it. He says that an interesting thing also happened at the dragons lair as well as at the velcrogoatfest, but you may not have heard about it, so he gave this to me to post.

Public relations.

Three English sport climbers on holiday from the Blue Mountains were in the Nati bar and spotted a Taswegian trad climber. So, one of the Sports climbers walked over to the Trad climber, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear Trad climbing is for drunken losers."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Sports climber walked back to his mates. "I told him Trad climbing is for drunken losers, and he didn't care." The second Sport climber remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Sports climber walked over to the Tradster, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear Trad climbers are lying, cheating, idiotic, noisy, low-life, barbaric, fun-confusing, scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Sports climber went back to his mates. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Sport climber remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Sport climber walked over to the Tradster, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear you are a sportclimber!"

"Yeah, that's what your mates were trying to tell me, but I didn't know if they were carrying hammers or not."

Some sports climbers were attempting Serpentine when the leader fell on the second pitch. He fell past his second and hung limply on the rope. His second freaked and rang triple zero, explaining that he thought the lead climber was dead. Because the triple zero operators had been counseled lately about their fricken pathetic attitude towards clients, she took him seriously and offered some helpful advise: "first, make sure he's dead". The second whipped out his knife, cut the rope, and watched as his limp lead decked. "OK", he said to the operator, "what next?"

Two sports climbers are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other climber will do. The first again yells, “I... SLEPT... WITH... YOUR.. MOTHER!”

Little Red Riding Hood set off from her house to visit her ailing grandma. As she rounded the first corner one of the little pigs ran up to her and said "Little Red Riding Hood! You can't go into the forest today! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and when he finds you he says he's going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers and f--k your little red socks off!"

"Don't worry little pig", replied Little Red Riding Hood, "I've got this", and she pulled out a sawn off shotgun from her handbasket.

Little Red Riding Hood continued into the forest, when the second little pig saw her. "Little Red Riding Hood! Little Red Riding Hood! You can't be out in the forest today! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you, and when he finds you he says he's going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers and f--k your little red socks off!"

"Don't worry little pig", replied Little Red Riding Hood, "I've got this", and she pulled out the sawn off shotgun and showed it to the pig.

Venturing further into the forest, Little Red Riding Hood bumps into the third little pig. "Oh my goodness Little Red Riding Hood! You can't be walking through the forest today! The Big Bad Wolf is about, and he says that when he finds you he's going to pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red knickers and f--k your little red socks off!"

"It's cool", replied Little Red Riding Hood, "I've come prepared", and she pulled out the sawn off shotgun and showed it to the pig. After admiring the weapon, the third pig said "Well you be careful anyway!", and continued on his merry way.

Little Red Riding Hood calmly pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red knickers, pulled out the shotgun, pointed it at the wolf's head and replied "No you're not - you're going to eat me like the book says!".

On 13/05/2009 Sarah Gara wrote:>Whoop whoop a girl... hello. thanks for looking out for me. Also for>drawing my attention to Tasmania -I'd not got so far as to looking at stuff>there yet -did you onsight the Totem Pole? x

Hello dear Sarah. Waving at you madly from over here on this thread.
Derek My M10 love did not onsight the Tote.
He had way too much beta for that to happen.
He tells all our friends that he did though.
None of them believe him, but that is another story, involving amongst other things a shortage of sandwitches at our dinner party to celebrate, but I am told this was better than getting a mallet to the back of the head like some others celebrate.

This kind of reminds me of the following story.

No one believes seniors.

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sarah."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet Sarah quickly picked it up, and not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, they counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sarah said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two coppers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sarah said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sarah said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The main cop turns to Andy and began to question him..
He says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sarah and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

A man is in bed with his mistress when he suddenly notices the time. Turning to his mistress he asks "Quick - have you got any talcum powder?", to which she responds "Yes". Grabbing the talcum powder he shoves both hands in as far as he can, rubs them together, then wipes a bit on his pants for good measure.

He races home to find his furious wife waiting at the front door. "Where the hell have you been?" she asks. "With my mistress!" he responds. Pointing to his hands she replies "Bullsh*t! You've been climbing again you bastard!"

21/05/2009 Mr nmonteith wrote these bits and pieces on new bouldering area posting section.

>A culture so old and alien to us that we still don't really understand it.

>It has to be important for the government to go to the bother of issuing such fines.

>Maybe bouldering is one way we can combine our two cultures?

Yoohoo Mr nmonteith! Hello dearie! (waving madly to you from the Friday funnies section). Derek my M10 love has read your very passionate posts this week to the new bouldering area section of this lovely site, and tells me that you need not worry too much about trying to understand, or blend the ancient ones culture with our new culture. He says they are doing very nicely and have assimilated already. He tells me that you are quite right about our government taking their issues seriously though, and gave this example to me to post for him.

Aboriginal style.

A visiting dirtbag long term climber at Araps picks up a hooker in Horsham.

'How much do you charge for an hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

'No' she says.

'I’ll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

'I’ll pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'OK, I’ll pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'Alright, I’ll pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'

On 12/10/2005 IdratherbeclimbingM9 wrote:>Hexy wrote 10/10/05>>Now, now KP, don't go making assumptionz :P>re a KP post on another thread that got me thinking of this old joke>...>(Yeah I know its not Friday but a light moment never hurt)?>>ROOSTERS>A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster >for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster >and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire.">The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of >these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just >let me have the two old hens over in the corner?">The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking >over.">The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you >around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the>>entire chicken coop.">The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.>So, just to be fair I will give you a head start.">The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young >rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the>>farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about>>25 centimetres behind the old rooster and gaining fast.>The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch>>when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM>- >He blows the young rooster to bits.>The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster>>I bought this month."

>Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and >treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'