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Monday, April 28, 2008

irksome misnomers

Every day I pass a huge yellow sign advertising a "Parade of Homes!" for one of those huge, disgustingly opulent, $900k neighborhoods that no one can afford to populate these days. Apparently, they think that herding people into their egregiously huge houses is going to instantly end the housing slump and allow folks to pretend they're rich once again.

But what really irks me is the term "Parade of Homes". A parade occurs when *you* stand still while floats, bands, political figures, and giant balloons pass by and pelt you with cheap, partially melted candy. In a Parade of Homes, however, the houses stand still while realtors pelt *them* with slackjawed suburbanites whispering, "Honey, that's real granite! And wouldn't the plasma TV go great over that fireplace? We can always borrow against your 401k or Alexis' college fund..." Yikes.

What also cracks me up is that they're pitching "The Estates", a stylish and high-class enclave, using huge, fluorescent signs and balloons. These days, if you can afford a $900k home, you're not driving around Woodstock, GA, following the hand-drawn arrows on really brightly colored signs. They're trying to attract people with money and taste using the same techniques that attract seniors to garage sales and children to birthday parties, and I just can't imagine it's going to work in a world with today's mortgage issues. Gee, I can't imagine why The Estates are empty.

So, yeah, i'm going to go sit on the sidewalk and wait for the Parade of Homes to throw me some light switch covers and fan pulls. That'll happen.