Spoof news stories from Friday 12 December 2008

Washington DC-- NASA scientist rang the alarm bells today about Oprah Winfrey. They are very concerned about her weight and believe she threatens the Earth. The talk-show queen's weight has ballooned since the election. Her estimated weight is now...

Hull City, the 'Premiership newboys', its 'young pretenders', and 'relegation favourites', take on League leaders Liverpool at Anfield tomorrow, and will win, according to Tigers fan, Paula McKenna.
Paula, who has been following City for more than...

A man in Gloucester had the scariest moment of his life yesterday, when an unidentified flying object - known as a UFO - landed on his head whilst he was taking cuttings from some roses in his garden.
Thomas Giro, 58, had been about his business f...

The White House will not display a set of Christmas tree ornaments that calls for President George W. Bush's impeachment and also that of Vice President Cheney.
The ornaments were made by artist Bedorah Flatulance, who says she wanted to honor Rep...

Mastermind, the quiz show made famous by Icelander Magnus Magnusson, has been at the cutting edge of 'clever entertainment' for 30 years, with contestants pitting their wits against each other, in the spotlight, sitting in the uncomfortable Black Lea...

God's been talking more bollox and this time it's about foodstuffs. The divine being was waiting in line at the local supermarket when he suddenly began preaching in his usual demented manner.
He said that man cannot live by bread alone - which is...

Vanessa Hudgens' ass problems just keep on getting worse! Now her closest friends are publicly complaining about the stench and the large amounts of of sticky shit that covers that stars carpets and furniture.
It's now gone out of all control that...

(Chicago-Illinois) In the shadow of current Illinois Governor (and soon to be sharing living space with a 300 pound White Aryan Nation member named Pile Driver) Blagojevich's FBI investigation, the Obama Economic Team is alleged to have proposed a pl...

In the midst of these recession hit times, it's consoling to know that the BBC is doing it's bit to help our ailing economy.
Wallace and Gromit will return to our screens on Christmas day, filling a gap left vacant by Morecambe and Wise many years...

'It's the end of an era,' bemoaned a Geordie today as Carol Vorderman made her final appearance on words and numbers TV gameshow, Countdown. 'She's been treated so shabbily by C4, I'm sorry, It's so emotional.'
In scenes reminiscent of the Wailing...

A Spokane woman who hid a sedated monkey under her blouse on a flight from Thailand to Los Angeles - pretending she was pregnant, although the monkey moved about - has been convicted of smuggling charges.
Jemsy Dawson, 27, successfully passed thr...

Greetings earthlings; this is yet another of my very entertaining and highly informative ramblings, imbued with a virtual plethora of yada yas. I know how very excited you all are to be reading this ramble.....I can see that your middle finger is poised precariously over that delete key....well don't even think about it, or I give your name to Scarpo. You all know Scarpo right?..no,..well thats y...

Greater Manchester has said a resounding NO to the congestion charge, with nearly eighty percent of voters giving a negative on their ballot paper.
After spending £34million on the Vote Yes Campaign and sending out the and receiving the ballot pap...

Washington DC: Congress is considering a new Federal holiday that would provide an additional three day weekend, help Americans live better and clean up their surroundings.
Environmental and health activists have suggested several possibilities...

Have you ever wondered what it's like being a Muslim? Well here's your chance...
A new game, based loosely on other virtual worlds such as The Sims, has just been launched in time for Christmas. Its aim is help non-Muslims understand the world of...

Celebrity scrounger Jonathan Woss, was rushed off his feet yesterday, as Woolworth slashed their prices by 2%.
Ross, 51, was fined guilty of sitting on his arse and swearing with his mates, by the British Television Licence Payer. The BBC managem...

DETROIT (FMLiveWire)- The failure on Thursday of a congressional rescue package for the U.S. auto industry has made General Motors Corp. (GM) decide to shift production to toy cars.
GM said it was "disappointed" by the Senate's rejection of $14 bi...

The jurors in the Jean Charles de Menezes Murder Inquiry have returned an open verdict on the killing, but has called members of the Metropolitan Police "liars" and "f*ckwits".
Mr de Menezes, a mere electrician, was shot an amazing SEVEN times in...

In an annual holiday speech, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, planned to speak on many topics affecting countries and people all over the world. Prepared for him by a collaborative team of political speech writers and theologians, the 20 minute emotiona...

Police today announced a new Manhunt releasing photographs of 16 Cardiff City "Fans" who sang vile Racist and Homophobic abuse directed at Sol Campbell during the FA Cup Final in May 2008.
A spokesman said; "These 16 so-called Fans have been ident...

"It is probably wise dear reader, to keep the continuity, to read from the beginning...which is here..."
After several turns, like a dog finding his place, he sat down again, adjusting a cheek for release of his stomach's affluence. As he lolled his head back in the chair, his glance happened to rest upon a cane, a disused cane, perhaps one of Tiny Tims old canes, this one left in the corne...

A civilian support worker who was shot during a police firearms 'Double-Tap the Terrorist' training session is to sue the force over the incident.
The unnamed civilian employee (Mikas Konstipatus) was injured last May at the Smegmadale-on-Sea Extr...

It's the most successful day of trading in Woolworth history today! With a load of debt from living in credit, the Woolworth-less head crackpots have hit on a goldmine with a clever marketing scam aimed at the dim-witted.
Theresa (16), single moth...

(Football Agent) Sky Andrews : "Hello Is that Johnny Cochrane?, It's Sky here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, The Police are fucking useless, they've published 16 Photographs of the Homophobic Racists that abused Sol Campbell and they've only found 2, and one of them was the fucking Ball Boy, and well Sol is very upset if he was a Straight White Man they would have got them...

What Makes The Illinois Governor Wake Up at Night in a Cold, Wet Sweat When the Demons Come
There once was a Governor named Blagojevich
Whose well-oiled politics hummed till there came a glitch
He tried a Senate seat to sell
For that he may be going to jail
Where he'll oil his cell-mates' backs whenever they get an itch.

Washington--The U.S. Senate has announced the appointment of a sub committee, Government Research Into Nonessential Christmas Habits (GRINCH) to be headed by Senator Jacob Marley. The committee of three wise Senators, plan to visit the Holy land, North Pole and Lapland. Among the organizations and interested parties expected to testify with their concerns, are:
Federal Aviation Administration (...

Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has backed the calls for an investigation into stamping allegations levelled at Wayne Rooney during the Reds' Champions League match with Aalborg on Wednesday.
Rooney is alleged to have trodden on the ch...

Santa Claus was exposed as a fraud today by a school teacher in Liverpool.
The young teacher, Miss Take, shocked the pupils in her charge when she announced that Santa Claus was fictitious to a class of six and seven year old children. She shatter...

Liberals everywhere rejoiced at the new that Ann Coulter had her jaw wired shut.
It turns out that the right-wing hate monger broke her money maker and had to have it immobilized. Victims of her scathing, anti-left books and speeches came out of t...

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania - Well after months of speculation, Pittsburgh Pirates owner and vice executive assistant director of minor league operations in Latin America, Jamison Desmond Bidwell, has confirmed that the Pittsburgh Pirates are in fact mo...

Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, you may remember, experienced a strange touch from GW Bush that sent her into a rather obvious little fit of revulsion. The clearly unwelcomed contact had been long forgotten until the recent positions of Ms Merk...

British and German international peacekeepers have informed the EU and the desperate people of the Congo that they have chosen to retrain as morticians and gravediggers.
The UK General in charge of the peacekeeping forces for the EU, Gen Hennie E...

A series of what are decribed as "mild" initiatives are tipped to reach the statute book early next year.
With a view to making it more difficult to aquire cigarettes, the following are likely to enter the statute book.
Cigarettes will only be...

A 'swearing in public' ban has been introduced by Smegmadale Borough Council in the run-up to Christmas, which councillors say will be maintained into the New Year to try and eliminate the town's reputation as Asbo Central.
The effin' and jeffin'...

Former First US Grand Inquisitor, Donald Rumsfeld has confessed to his involvement in approving and encouraging the use of torture on POW's. Like many shameless criminals, Rummie has hired a team of psychiatrist to say thst he suffers from TOT, Toler...

Barack Obama has been insisting that he and his staff have had no contact with Illin' Guv Rod and his Senatorial Auction Block.
Murmurrings across Chicago and Washington have cast a pale over the President-Elect's claims (Shadow is now on the lis...

The President of the United States, George W Bush, today received a telemarketing call from none other than the jolly fat bloke in the red suit, yes, Santa Claus.
In what is believed to be a world first, Santa Claus has decided to ask people pers...

Orgasmic birth seems to be all the rage with a rash of books and films touting labor and delivery as the height of passionate sex. The din has reached such a peak that women who fail to climax while bring junior into the world are suffering from fear...

Windy City, Illinois - Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's star-power has landed her the leading role in a new production of the hit musical Chicago.
The most Googled person in the universe is to star in a remake of the gangster musical that will be lo...

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Mearriam-Webster Books Incorporated has announced that the new 2010 editions of their best-selling dictionary will include a complete list of numbers, from 1 to 100,000 featured in the edition.
"You can imagine how t...