Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin......

A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.

In Hell: the cooks are English, the policemen are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and the bankers are Italian.

In Heaven: the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and the bankers are Swiss

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have24 hours to live.Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Q: Just what did you do to try to prevent the accident?A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.

Q: You say you are innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal the watch.A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7"

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent." Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them." Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans. The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head). The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader? What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond. The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they have d1cks so long, they hang them from their ear."

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

Q. What is long, hard, and carries seamen? A. A submarine.

Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what?

What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is inthe bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round ofdrinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into thealligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers acceptedthe dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes hispenis unscathed.The crowd is left in awe.The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the samething, I will give them $500.''From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, ifyou promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change.Then the parrot continued,"May I ask what the chicken did?"

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Jesus, Moses and an old man were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at the old man. The old man took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at the old man and said: "Alright Dad, quit showing off!"

The 10 reasons beer is better than sex1: A beer never talks back2: A beer never gets jealous when you have another beer3: A beer always tastes good4: A beer never has to wash up before you have it5: A beer never checks out another beer6: A beer never whines7: you can always have another beer8: Beer comes in 6, 12, and 24 packs for maximum enjoyment9: you never have to wait for beer10: Beer goes down smooth....

A woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm revealing her hairy armpit as she points to the bartender to order a drink. Before she can say a word, a skinny little drunk man at the end of the bar says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the bartender to order another drink. Once again, the little drunk yells, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tiredof walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said,''Can I rent a donkey?'The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses.This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when youwant to make him stop."The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for ahotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we callthe wieners."Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to anothertourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked,"Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterdayminding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want."The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothesprobably wouldn't have fit."

Sports cars are meant to be beautiful, and no maker of sporting cars has a better reputation for understated elegance and graceful styling than Aston Martin. Their beauty comes from harmonious proportions, a ground-hugging stance, taut surfacing, and thorough attention to detail. They are subtle, not attention-seeking. DB9 appears as if milled from a solid piece of aluminium.

Its side profile is typically Aston Martin: very clean, with a single sweep roofline. The uncluttered lines flow through to a distinctive tail, and the haunches on the rear wings are wide and curvaceous. Key Aston Martin design characteristics include the distinctive grille, metal side strakes and signature rear window shape.

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The Problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor. The child Should be in my custody." The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense ?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out... Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink. Hiswife starts complaining that he's always at the pub and never takesher anywhere anymore. After hours of complaining, the husband agreesto take his wife to the pub.They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to getdrinks for himself and his wife. While he's gone a man walks up toJoe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill herwith beer and drink her dry.Joe's wife exclaims, "You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!"Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to gokick that guy's ass. Joe says, "No way. A guy who can drink that muchbeer has got to have a pint on me!"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. Ihave an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do youthink about that?"The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I havean elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One daywhen he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked uphis umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw arabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

"It would be funny to actually go out on a weekend and do this, just to see who out there is really a kind person. This is funny but most men I meet who are bald don't turn me off. It s the shallow person who lets the way another person looks be the only defining reason for getting to know another human being. I think a persons morals and character tell more about them than the fact there is some fat on their belly or no hair on their head."

A part of the popular movie "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle". Everybody knows the game battleships but now we find out that there is another game with similar name but which can be played mostly in the toilet :)

Watch this Hot Christmas commercial of Victoria’s secret gift card with Alessandra Ambrosio . She is wearing a pink short skirt and small pink top looking too hot . In this Advertisement Alessandra Ambrosio seduces you with her cool n sexy moves . She is a top model who has also played a small role in the film Casino Royale. So make sure you give your Girl Friend the Victoria’s secret card this time.

X-press Youself...Nice video by philips...You just thought she is shaving her bush by nooo... How happy is her boyfriend(not sure) I think that the girl have a skills to be a hair-stylist. My private hair-stylist.

Who can believe that a human being is faster then the fastest car in the world???So car which prise is over $1,000,000 was defeated By C.Ronaldo which prise defined by Man.Un is round $90,000,000. so if the club sells him they can afford to buy round 90 cars. Everybody in the club will have a car like this one :))

Who want to be in hospital??? Nobody and WHY??? Because there are mean Nurses. But after watching this short video i change my mind. The Nurse is so Cool and the patient is so clever but he risk his health. Heart Attack is very dangerous. BE CAREFULL WHEN PLAYING WITH BEAUTIFUL NURSE!!!!!!!!

A great and sexy commercial which was banned because this will upset quite a few in the food circle.The maker of this wanted a controversial figure, which they found in the form of cool and sexy Paris Hilton. The buyers now ask for the Paris Hilton burger, which indicates their acceptance.

Good shot in the commercial industry...Four of the most popular people in the world join together.. when we add and a super song (We Will Rock You )…Pepsi gives a warning to Coca Cola that the battle will never stop. Which drink is better you decide. I make up my mind… The best one is LEMONADE…Why???? There is no commercial for LEMONADE but it is popular all over the World. Don’t Drink And Drive…except LEMONADE….

So powerfull The smell of burning tires... In the car racing there is so many commercials ...drinks, insurance, everything... and Power Heavy Duti drill. Be carefull when getting it from the shop...What kind of car do you have??? Truck???

My favourite brand. The Brand with the three stripes. And what are the conclusions...??? No problem with the traffic no cars NO Problem for the Environment. Everybody must invest by buying a pair like this sneakers. That`s our FUTURE....

On noooo what is she doing... NOT that :)??? NO... Or she has problems with her neck.. NO...I don`t think so... It`s spaggeti??? So amazing the unexpectable theme is always a winning theme... Nothing advertise better then cool girl.... The asias a mainly a conservative people and this commercial break the rules. Expect the unexpectable

Cool Drink advertised by one of the hottest girls in Bulgaria. Shot video with great view point of the producer. Super Models riding bulls so hot... plain Drink not so cool... Girls + Drink everybody know.. Maybe you gonna be the bull next time....

After this commercial I increase twice the dose of milk that I drink. If everybody take more calcium per day we will be like Bruce Willis in The Unbreakable movie. Probably is Samuel L. Jackson (Elijah Price) drunk more milk he would not do the things that he did in the movie. But one questien or wondering coming on my mind. What is better drinkin more milk to be a superman or just find someone else to do the heavy things. Why you have to pull heavy wheelbarow and risk you health. The money that will spend in hospital will much more then the money than you can pay to some Gipsy :).