Ricky Gervais Bombs At 9/11 Memorial Service

Controversial comedian Ricky Gervais was a surprise choice to MC proceedings in New York for the tenth anniversary of the World Trade Centre attacks, but it is safe to say that he won't be asked back in a hurry. Gervais opened as follows.

"Thank you for joining me all here in New York. Ah, New York, New York. The city so nice they hit it twice. Anyway. Many years ago, evil forces intent on imposing their twisted vision of the world, launched an unjustifiable attack that cost the lives of thousands of innocents. But we're not here to talk about the Iraq War.

We're here to talk about a dreadful catastrophe that occurred on the 11th of September 2011. Yes, the release of that Mariah Carey album Glitter. Ugh. Awful. The movie was even worse. Oh and apparently some darkies flew some planes into some buildings and it was the worst thing ever because the people in the buildings weren't African. Africans are supposed to die by the thousands every day. It's the natural order. It's like a tradition. Like, if you found out that, say, only a few dozen Africans had died today... well you wouldn't be able to concentrate during America's Got Talent. Just wouldn't sit right.

Oh and it's important to remember that the people flying the planes were darkies isn't it. They weren't just people were they, misguided nutters who if they'd been white and Christian and American, we would've allowed America to disown them. They're not the harmless kind of religious nutter that pronounces earthquakes as warnings from god about government spending and then runs for the world's highest office. No, they're Muslims. Official representatives of Islam. They found little cards in their front shirt pockets. And everybody assumed they'd done it on purpose because they were Arabs. If they'd been white we'd all be saying, "Well, flying planes is hard isn't it, there's all these buttons and New York's pretty built up, lots of skyscrapers, probably an accident really." It's just racism.

But the guys who did this attack were visionaries really, ahead of their time. What they did was kill a whole lot of people involved in the running of the world economy. If they'd waited until the financial crisis, people would've been cheering them on. *adopts rowdy American accent* Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Now napalm Wall Street!"

By this point the crowd was getting extremely unrestless, except for a gently chuckling Rudy Giuliani who seemed to be enjoying himself. As guards approached to remove Gervais from the podium, he began rattling off jokes from a printed sheet he produced from his breast pocket.

"What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? No American has ever managed to milk a cow for ten years."

Gervais was hustled from the stage and hastily rushed over the border to Canada for his own protection.

Fans of Gervais can catch him at his next appearance presiding over International Holocaust Remembrance Day.