GOTTESMAN: 'Pet guardian' in a real mess

Friday

Apr 18, 2014 at 6:00 AM

My house is a mess. I blame Jackson Galaxy.

For those who don't know him, Galaxy is host of "My Cat From Hell" on the Animal Planet channel. Every week, he counsels "pet guardians" how to make their homes cat paradises to build self-esteem, foster better behavior and, I believe, bring peace to the Middle East.

Every week, he solves problems in homes by counseling homeowners to give their feline companions places to hide, tunnel, climb and perch, all in an effort, I believe, to strengthen the feline resistance, now plotting to take over the world.

For those not aware, my husband and I are "pet guardians" to two adorable tyrants, Bandit, who has taken to sitting like an emperor on his throne, high atop the highest cat tower that dominates the center of our living room, and Callie, the delicate princess who insists that 4 a.m. is the perfect time for belly rubs and bear hugs, as long as we humans remember that only she can go to sleep. Our job, apparently, is to keep sentry over her to ensure her kingdom is not invaded by Huns — or her pesky brother.

Both of these cats are climbers, but they have never met a cardboard box they do not love. They hide inside, chew the outside and, sometimes, use the boxes as mattresses.

It may be my imagination, but it seems they prefer alcohol boxes for munching. My husband got a case of beer for Christmas and they chewed that thing into Swiss cheese before we substituted another box. Yes, the beer lasted longer than the box.

With our bathroom renovation now entering its 10th month, cardboard seems to be everywhere. There are the large boxes the vanities came in, and the medium-sized box the toilet came in. There was cardboard my husband used as templates for cutting drywall and cardboard that seems to appear miraculously out of nothingness.

All have been christened with tiny holes along the top flaps.

Recently, after unsuccessfully looking for the perfect accessories at the local stores, we ordered a wastebasket and a toilet-bowl brush and holder online. They came in boxes ... which came in bigger boxes.

The cats were sitting on the box before we opened it, knowing they must have been very good to deserve such presents.

Once we opened the outer boxes, and removed the inner boxes, we had cats leaping, chewing and pawing. If one was inside, the other was trying to close the top flap. If one was chewing, the other was pushing.

But these boxes seemed different. Instead of being filled with Styrofoam popcorn, the padding was long ribbons of plastic, filled with air.

My husband and I quickly scooped these out, afraid the cats would either bite into these and be afraid of the "pop," or that they would choke on the plastic.

For the cats, it was just a different type of toy.

We rolled them up and put them next to the recycling ... and we would find them strewn around the kitchen, two rooms away.We put them in a bag, and the bag would be open and the plastic ribbons would be down the hall.

Not that the boxes are being ignored. Just this weekend, I saw one of the cats sitting on top, while the box slightly shimmied. Bandit had trapped his sister inside ... and she was trying to chew her way out. Given time, I have no doubt she would have made it. Fortunately, Bandit soon heard the birds chirping on the bird feeder and ran off to chirp back at them.

So, I can only blame Jackson Galaxy for the cardboard boxes in every room of my house, the plastic bunting snaking down my hall and the 2 million and one cat balls, birds and assorted toys that seem to be wherever your bare feet step in the middle of the room.

This pet guardian is doing her bit for my cats' self esteem. Now, if they could do their bit to help me get a few minutes more sleep, I would be endlessly grateful.

Jan Gottesman is managing editor of The Banner. She can be reached at bannews@yahoo.com.