Unbalanced Breakfast

New Years Eve Party Special 2002

HisCheapMoves: I should tell the audience that we've been slaving long and hard for like, the last five minutes, to put together the awesomest Unbalaced Breakfast New Year's Eve Party this side of Verdana 10pt.

kittydeathstar: How wild and crazy it is!

HisCheapMoves:

Tink tink!

We've invited everyone we can, and some will actually show up. I hear.

HisCheapMoves: I'll bring out the tray of Flaming Buttocks, I'll give out the recipe later if you remind me.

kittydeathstar: Will do....

HisCheapMoves: Another guest!

kittydeathstar: Things are starting to heat up!

HisCheapMoves: Here, have one of these Flaming Buttocks. It'll put you in the right mood.

Twotoneboy:

I'm a sax fiend. Wait

Like a cross in Trent Lott's front yard!

kittydeathstar: Rimshot!

Twotoneboy: Mmmm... Flaming Buttocks...

Chill Gribbröek: Girlie drinx for me

HisCheapMoves: You know, every time I see his name in the headline, the riff from "Whole Lotta Love" starts up. Just thought I'd share that.

Twotoneboy: Wouldn't that be "Whole Lott-A Hate"?

kittydeathstar: How about a Chocolate Choo Choo, Chill Gribbröek?

Chill Gribbröek:

get some clothes on.

Gawd, that's my favorite Kids/Hall skit

kittydeathstar: Score!

Twotoneboy: Is that the one where Scott is gay? Oh wait, that's ALL of them.

HisCheapMoves: Since this is a New Year's sort of party, I thought we should take some time to look back and share our Best Ofs for 2002, maybe followed by some proxy New Year's resolution for this years' media winners.

Chill Gribbröek: Star Wars sucked this past year or so; LOTR took up a lotta the slack

Chill Gribbröek: She stole Ms. Piggy's act anyway. We got this picture of Ms. Piggy at the comic shop and when you look at it just right it looks like Britney.

kittydeathstar: Cha-ching!

Twotoneboy:

Britney

Her and Christina are both headed to that special place where Tiffany and Debbie Gibson live now. It's called "the welfare line." You know, at least Tiffany and Debbie got mentioned in Mojo Nixon songs. Britney and Christina didn't even merit that.

Chill Gribbröek: I think Corey actually wanted to be Corey wanting to be Michael. The Back Booth had a memo sent by Corey's personal assistant, very explicit.

Twotoneboy: I'd rather see "The Truffle Shuffle" than Corey moonwalking. Or MJ, for that matter

HisCheapMoves: I think MJ should generally be disqualified.

kittydeathstar: Man, but the whole nose drama... compelling photojournalism... It looked like those little pieces of bread you'd throw to the fish when you were little...

HisCheapMoves: It's all progressing to his Final Look, Grinning White Skull.

Chill Gribbröek:

it subsists on krill and zooplankton.

Osbournes/Anna Nicole?

kittydeathstar: Both were valid reasons to pull an Elvis on your television...

HisCheapMoves: Bad juju.

kittydeathstar: When I left for London in January, Ozzy was a metal legend, when I came back in April, he was a household name... for not being able to operate a TV remote control. They killed him, those MTV douchebags......

HisCheapMoves: Oh man, I don't know about that. She seems to be doing pretty well.

Twotoneboy: Nobody could watch Anna Nicole and want the world to perceive them as THAT stupid. Not even for the money. And besides, who wants to sleep with a fossil to get the money in the first place?

HisCheapMoves: The whole thing was so Hollywood.

kittydeathstar: People I know who LOVE being mean, who LOVE to take pleasure in the misfortune of others, avoid that show -- too easy pickins....

HisCheapMoves: The Daily show and The Onion are the only untainted sources of news and opinion in America.

Twotoneboy: Even more surreal: Mo Rocca on VH1's "I Love the '80s." He had no bow tie!

kittydeathstar: Rocca and Colbert are gods among men.

Twotoneboy: Actually, Al Gore on SNL may have been even more surreal than that...

Chill Gribbröek: Surreal yes... funny no.

kittydeathstar: That West Wing thing? C'mon....

HisCheapMoves: That was funny.

Chill Gribbröek: Well, funny-strange... not funny-haha

HisCheapMoves: Whistling-in-the-graveyard funny.

Twotoneboy: The West Wing thing wasn't funny. But Gore as Trent Lott was comedy gold.

kittydeathstar: Al Gore did a lot of awesome shit this autumn... the sniping at Fox News, beating down Hannity and Colmes...

Twotoneboy: See, if Al Gore could do all that shit AND be President, he'd get my vote. But he'll never be that honest as a politician. SNL should have set off bells and whistles and ten foot high fireworks spelling out the words "I'm not running."

Chill Gribbröek: Carlin on Clinton...

kittydeathstar: Care to recap?

Chill Gribbröek: Americans know their poiticians are fullashit. Clinton at least let you know he was fullashit. His b.s. was pretty much out in the open where you can get a good size whiff of it, whereas most politicians are a facade

Twotoneboy: Where they appear alongside 2002's Best "Oh, just come out of the closet already," Mike Piazza. They should give ALF and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog a show together. Now THAT'S comedy gold. I think ALF ate the family he used to live with.

HisCheapMoves: How about some New Years' resolutions?

Twotoneboy: I resolve to actually write reviews in 2002. Or '03.

Chill Gribbröek: Curb materiel absorption. Stuff stuff and more stuff. Where does it end?

HisCheapMoves: Not for you, silly guests. For our media darlings.

Chill Gribbröek: I'm a-feared

Twotoneboy: Ah.

Twotoneboy:

The entire face assembly removes for maintenance by pressing a hidden catch <i>here</i>.

Michael Jackson resolves to have ILM make him a new holographic nose that he can change daily.

HisCheapMoves: David Hasselhoff resolves to shift efforts from Baywaytch Reunion to KnightRider Prequel.

kittydeathstar: The Strokes resolve to stop hoodwinking poor mainstream rock critics and fuck off and go back to hand-modeling or whatever it is they did before....

Twotoneboy: Sly Stallone vows to make another comeback. UPN (or SOMEBODY) resolves to pick up Firefly!

kittydeathstar: Movie execs resolve to not release Daredevil.

Chill Gribbröek: bob hope makes it to Desert Storm 2

Twotoneboy: The creators of Enterprise vow to give up any pretenses and just have Jolene Blaylock naked every episode. Actually, Daredevil's supposed to be damn good. According to Kevin Smith, anyway.

kittydeathstar: Nope, the resolution is set!

HisCheapMoves: The RIAA resolves to prove the link between the Iraqi crisis and music piracy.

Chill Gribbröek: They discover oil in Iraq.

kittydeathstar: Christopher Lee resolves to live forever.

Twotoneboy: Keith Richards vows to realize he's been dead for three decades.

Chill Gribbröek: Jack Black and Jack White release Grey Album.

kittydeathstar: Swimfan is belatedly awarded 36 Oscars.

Twotoneboy: Swimfan?!?!?

kittydeathstar: Korn resolve to dress their age.

HisCheapMoves: Kreamed Korn by now.

Twotoneboy: You bag Daredevil sight unseen and then give love to Swimfan?!?!?

Chill Gribbröek: G-zus!

Twotoneboy: Nu-metal vows to admit it's not "nu." Nor is it "metal." Changes its name to "useless horseshit"

kittydeathstar: I resolved not to dignify broken sarcasm meters with a response...

Twotoneboy: Dude, Kitty, don't scare me like that!

HisCheapMoves: You know, if they'd spell it "Neu Metal", it would be an anagram of "lame tune".

kittydeathstar: Whoah.....

Twotoneboy: Ah, but that's still a misnomer -- no "nu-metal" "song" HAS a tune.

HisCheapMoves: "Meal Nut"

Twotoneboy: Publicists vow to stop harassing me about crappy records and only follow up on stuff that's actually worthy of my time.

HisCheapMoves: The nerve.

Chill Gribbröek: Paul McCartney IS the Beatles: Back In The U.N. Tour

Chill Gribbröek: Copies of the new Bruce Springsteen album will be sent to the middle east. France surrenders