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Let's Talk Boobs, Boys And Being Self Conscious

20.9.18

Warning: if you're related to me in anyway (I'm looking at you Mum and Dad... Or Nanna... Or whoever you are), do not read this post. This information may make you want to gouge your eyeballs out with spoons and never speak to me again.

Have you clicked close?Please say yes...Okay, good.So, to the little nation of internet people reading (NOT MY MUM AND DAD) let's begin.

Sex, that's something we all do, right? We all love a bit of sexy time with someone we *literally* fancy the pants off of. Hell yeah we do!We all love a little flirt in a bar, a drink or two, and a 'are you coming back to mine?’, followed by a cheeky wink and a smack on the bum.Even a little casual day in, a cuddle in bed, where spooning leads to forking.It's great.But what happens when you have crippling self esteem issues and your last relationship fucked you over so hard that YOU DON'T THINK YOU COULD EVER LOVE AGAIN???I'm over exaggerating, of course.Well, about the never loving again part, not about the terrible terrible self loathing.

You see, I don't like myself.If you're an avid reader of this blog, you'll know this. You'll know that a regard myself, simply, as pretty damn worthless. *This is where I need my pity party to validate me pls n thank you*I don't like my body. I don't like the way I look in my underwear. I don't like my face when it's lay squished next to you on a pillow. I just don't like it.And, well, one thing that particularly gets to me is... my boobs.That's right.My titties. My tatas. My nunga nungas. Whatever you want to call them.I fucking hate them.

I lost a lot of weight when I was 16. And, let me tell you, before that, I had some BIG BOOBS. I'm talking spill out of your clothes, DD’s, which made your back ache and caused your school shirt to have that annoying little gap in it, kind of boobs.The kind that you'd categorize as 'jugs’ or 'melons’ or maybe even ‘boulders’ if you're feeling adventurous.Now, not so much. They're little. My right one is bigger than my left. They're not full and perky. They're a little sad and saggy. They're not like the pretty bouncy things I wish they were.They're just not how I'd like them to be, at all.But... how do you explain that to a guy, as he slowly reaches to undo your bra, thinking he's about to get a face full of boob, and all his sexy dreams are about to come true, without panickly crying 'NO SORRY YOU CAN'T SEE THOSE’ and ruining the entire ambience of your erotic evening (or morning, or whatever you're into).

This is literally my worst nightmare.I am living my worst nightmare.I love sex.I love feeling hot, I love feeling naughty, I love feeling sexy.But, nothing makes you feel less attractive than constantly having to keep your fucking bra on (that's not a specific bra I wear for fucking people by the way).

Now, I've dealt with a few different kind of guys. I've had guys who point out my flaws, told me the shape of my boobs isn't nice, told me that things will be better once I get a boob job.I've had guys who haven't really given a crap whether or not I took my bra off or not. Guys who were simply DTF.Then I've had guys who actually care. Guys who respect how I felt telling them that i wasn't okay braless, and that I wasn't feeling very comfortable. And well, the last kind of guy is great. That's what I should have to deal with. That's how someone should deal with that situation - especially seeing how insecure the whole thing makes me.But, despite the respect that someone else can give me, despite how much that whole thing can restore my faith in good men, I'm still tainted by my awful initial self worth and the way I've been made to see my body for the past few years.I'll still panic in that moment and think about things that someone else has said to me, or how I feel looking in a mirror.I don't like myself, so why the hell would this guy like me?!

That's the mentality I have.'I hate myself, he'll hate me too’'He’s thinking I'm fat.' 'He's looking at my stretch marks.’It's the worst thing when all you want to do is let loose and be happy. Being self conscious of your body, and having sex, are a nightmare combination, and I know I'm not the only one who goes through it.I have read so many other blog posts and have so many friends who feel the same way.Okay, maybe not about their boobs, but maybe they're bum or their tummy, or even their chin when they're sat on top. We all have these things that we're conscious of. These things that stop us from just enjoying sex, enjoying a guys company, exploring the things we like. And, well, I hate that.I hate that what's engraved in my brain, or what a shitty guy once said to me, has led me to feel so unattractive and disgusting.

I don't have any answers in this blog post really. I don't have any sound advice to give about loving your boobs or embracing your body, because honestly, that would be wrong of me.It'd be wrong of me to just tell you to forget all of your woes, have amazing sex and not listen to shitty men, because I can't even do that myself.Okay, I can definitely have some amazing sex... but it usually involves a pitch black room and a lot of tequila.But the rest of it, I can't do yet.I can't not think about my sad little wonky breasts or wonder if a guy is being squished by my thunder thighs. It's just how it is. I'm a self conscious girl, my boobs make me feel shit, and if my bra and some low lighting are going to help a little with that, then so be it. Maybe one day I'll unleash my tatas from their underwired prison and set them free, but for now, I'm not quite there yet.But anyway, just so youknow, if you're out there, keeping your bra on, having sexy time in a t shirt, or even just not having sex yet, don't worry, you're not alone, there's a whole army of ladies out there feeling the same way. There are squads of sassy ladies out there that get into the bedroom and think 'holy shit, he wants to see me NAKED’ and encounter the same self deprecating thoughts that you and I do.We're all in this softly padded, lacy black, Marks and Spencers bra of self consciousness together.

4 comments

I loved reading this, and I think so many girls (or guys) will relate to this!

Maybe there's one tiny little thing that can help you on your way to accept your "tatas" and that's: look around you and observe the amount of small-breasted girls with hot boyfriends. There's women who can't even wear bras because there's nothing to hold, and that's totally fine too, I'm just saying most of it is in your head, really ;-) Honestly, I think if you start finding something about your body that you really like and focus on that, you'll find that most guys don't even care about the size of your boobs. I've been insecure about my body for years, all because my ex from 6 years ago kept telling me how my tummy was too fat. He kept going on and on about it and for years I thought I was doomed to be alone and I thought it would be the only thing people would ever notice about me. You'll find as you grow older that those are the things you'll take pride in the most once you've accepted them.

And if it makes you feel better, I don't think your boobs are small at all (from what I can see on the pictures, of course). I've never had more than a B cup and it took me so long to get to that point and feel a bit more "sexy" because of it. It takes time. I'm sure one day you'll find peace with it, until then, I hope you do find a guy that accepts your insecurity and lets you keep your bra on. But the fact you're brave enough to post these pictures to the internet is already a step into the right direction ;-)

Sex can be really vulnerable if you're self conscious and I think it should be talked about more. I used to hate the way I looked and there's so many different ways to me I could be prettier, but I wouldn't tell a stranger anything like that, or even my friends and I realised I had to be kinder to myself! Telling myself something I actually like about myself each day definitely helps!