The Chronicle of a Reformed Feminist Killjoy

Life Rules

This post is inspire by one I read on The Bloggess.If you don’t read her blog you are wasting your time on the internet.She’s like Jenna Marbles for the literate.

She recently wrote a list of Rules for Life and I thought I would take it upon myself to expand on it.

I actually discovered her blog in a pretty weird way.I was 18, living in NYC and having a life crisis. I was convinced it was a midlife crisis (jury’s still out on that) and I was so desperate for life advice I turned to Google.Unfortunately when you search, “Midlife Crisis” all that comes up are articles on menopause and when you search, “Midlife Crisis 18” you get the suicide hotline. None of this was of any use to me, so I took the leap that maybe this was a quarter-life crisis and Googled that instead.The first thing that came up was this blog post.(I have yet to write Nicole a thank you letter, but it’s on my bucket list.)I became a massive fan of Nicole’s blog and through it I found The Bloggess.

Anyway, without further ado, My Rules of Life.

1. Get a pet. When you’re lonely you can talk to them and they very rarely judge you. Unless you have a cat. They always judge.

2. Keep wine in your house. It’s not always a hard liquor kind of night, but there is rarely a bad time for wine.

3. If you do not know how to cook, get a pressure cooker. Just remember to unplug it when you’re done.

4. Stand up for your friends and family no matter what. Even if they do not want you involved, it’s occasionally forgivable to violate their wishes because let’s face it, sometime we have no idea what is best for ourselves.

5. Never give something with the expectation of getting anything but good karma in return. Just do not do it. There is nothing worse than accepting an act of “kindness” from someone and then have them hold it over your head for eternity.

6. Fuck up. It’s OK. If it’s not fine now, it will be. I swear it gets better.

7. Date around. Do not tie yourself down if you’re not sure; and when you meet that person you will be sure. So if you have doubts, then you know it’s not right. Move on.

8. Do not lie. Things go much better when you’re just flat out honest with people. Lying is complicated, exhausting and causes irreparable damage. Just don’t do it.

9. Tell people how you feel. How can they know if you don’t tell them? Not everyone has ESP(N)name that movie

10. When you’re angry, frustrated, heartbroken or whatever it’s OK to scream about it. Just open up and let whatever visceral noise you want fly uninhibited out your mouth; you will feel better.Caveat: It’s NOT OK to scream at other people.

11. Get intimate with nature once a month, at least.

12. Remind yourself you’re beautiful and awesome about twice a day. My roommate doesn’t know this yet, but when I’m feeling sad or ugly I strut around in my underwear wearing high heels because that’s what I consider sexy and powerful. Go ahead and judge.In the utmost seriousness, sometimes you just need to know you can do it, whatever “it” is. One time, before meeting my ex manfriend’s new girl-toy (a tall, well dressed model), I stood in a public bathroom mirror chanting, “You’re beautiful and you can do this. You will not lose your shit.” literally for about ten minutes. It helped, I survived and she was a pretty cool person.

13. Be yourself. It’s so overstated, but just do it. I wasted about half my life thus far trying to be a bunch of things I felt I should become because the real me was too strange. Yes, I argue with myself daily, drink a lot, go out to eat alone, say things that are not always cool, and dance like I’m artistically interpreting a grand mal seizure; I assure you being a freak is way easier than trying to fit your roundness into everyone else’s squareness.