THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

LITTLE DEBBIE’S OATMEAL CREME PIES

I could use this as an opportunity to portray Little Debbie’s ‘Oatmeal Creme Pies’ as a microcosm of everything that is wrong with the U.S of A and, by extension, Western capitalist society in general. That, after all, would be the natural thing to do for a journal that prides itself on intertwining analysis of all the latest foodstuffs with acute social commentary.

I could, for example, pontificate on the analogy between the fact that the biscuit is erroneously marketed as a ‘pie’ and American society erroneously being marketed as just. Similarly, I could muse on the comparison between the sogginess of said biscuit (for it is a soggy biscuit, and not in a good way) and the lax morals of the Wall Street profiteers that keep the working man in penury.

But I’m not going to do any of that. Nor am I going to point out that the polystyrene-like foam in the middle (what passes for ‘creme’ – not ‘cream’, ‘creme’ – according to the twisted perverts at Little Debbie’s) could quite feasibly be said to mirror the bland output of the Hollywood film industry (to say nothing of its whiteness).

I’m not going to do any of that. It would be too easy.

Having said all this, I’m not entirely sure what I am going to do, other than say that Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies are a complete pile of toss. They are not creamy, they are not pies, and they are almost certainly not made by Little Debbie, whoever she may be. They are kind of oatmealy I guess, but this is rendered entirely futile by the fact that they have the consistency of wet cardboard.