The funny thing about Penelope Cruz is that she is an inspiration to big nosed girls everywhere. All girls with dark hair use her as a reference or justification why they keep their big noses. They reference her as their celebrity look-a-like and she brings them a level of confidence that they need to leave their house without a scarf over their faces. The truth is Penelope Cruz does pull off the big nose, but from my experience, the big nosed girls who I have met and who think she’s the idea woman don’t, and that’s why I randomly email before and after nose job pictures from fake emails to passive aggressively get my point across, because pointing and laughing at big nose jokes hasn’t been all that effective

Speaking of big noses, I was just getting a coffee from my local arab coffee shop and for those of you who don’t know Montreal, there are a lot of Jews here. Pretty much 90 percent of people who speak English are Jewish and ever since these arabs took over the coffee shop a year or two ago, I’ve noticed a steady decline in traffic.

It’s worked for me because there are no lines or crowds to spark my social anxiety and panic attacks I get when I am sober, but unfortunately the arabs are cheaper than the previous owners who used to give me coffee for free and now I have to pay retail. It doesn’t really bother me that much, it’s a fucking coffee and I’ve consistently been stealing a couple of dollars from my wife everyday for the last decade without her noticing, but that’s not the point.

Today, I walked in and saw the manager was wearing a Free Palestine pin. I took him aside and told him that I’m not an expert, I am not Jewish or Arab and don’t know their issues, I also don’t know business or claim to know his business, but there’s a lot of Jews who already stopped buying from him because they think that for every coffee they buy, some of the money goes back to fund his militia at home and that he may want to lay low on advertising his stance fact with propaganda on plastered on his fuckin’ shirt, if he wants to stay in business. Instead of thanking me for my advice, he just passionately told me he hates jews and doesn’t want them around and now he hates me too and to get the fuck out of his store and I did before he suicide bombed the place….I’m am not ready to die for a fuckin’ coffee or cause I don’t care about…