The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?" The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift. The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?". The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were these three texans and they were gonna go to mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the gaurds what they are in for. The gaurd says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The gaurd asks if he has any last words. The guy says " I'm from Baylor University and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go. The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He says " I'm from texas Tech and I beleive in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go. The next guy is brought in and he says " I'm a Texas Aggee eeletrical eengineer and I tell you you'll never eelectrocute noone if you don't connect those two wires."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

Do you believe in Power to the People?

I hope so because I'm due for a serious power nap.

Do you believe in Love at First Sight?

I hope so. I've been in love with my bed since I first layed eyes on it, as well as the rest of my body.

Do you believe in Forgiveness?

I hope so......for the obvious reason(s).

Do you believe in Karma?

I hope so, then you'll have a happy day.

joe

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"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

I need wings, please somebody! And I need more hours in a day. 24 hours is waayyyyy to little. Tomorrow we'll drive to Germany (north of Munich), then Sunday Germany, Monday South Tirol Alps and Tuesday or Wednesday our home in Italy. Will come online again mid or end of next week. Nan, again thanks for the Band.Keep smiling folks (there's nothing else for it .. )

LOVE!

Evelyne

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"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

Joe, hope your doc appt went well yesterday. I wish our heat would have lasted a few more days. I had a wipe-out style obstacle course race tomorrow that I cancelled out of because it will be in the 40's when it starts and in the first obstacle you have to swim. I don't have a wet suit and I am not running for a couple hours wet and cold. I hope you get your rain!

Last night 2 hours before the Big Brother show, our cable went out all over the neighborhood. It was off for 1 1 /2 hours and finally came back on just in time. Geez. Add to that my phone is linked to my cable and internet so I was without all 3 for that time. What fun.

BIG spider crawled up my bare leg during Big Brother, causing me to jump up and brush it off on the floor but I never found it! Huge thingy, I've seen them in the house before, but where did it go? Nightmares..ha.

Pricing my Chesterfield Leather Sofa to replace my old falling apart one. So far the closest store to get one (30 miles away) gave me a quote of $4795, and that was, as he said, 'the base price', and the final would depend on what leather, etc. I chose AND I could have it in as little as 12-16 weeks! Yikes! I could buy a small car for that price and 4 months of waiting? Not gonna fly on that one.

Found on the net, some very similar, made in England, shipped over here in about 4-6 weeks and total price with shipping is about 2000. Much better deal. I've sent for leather samples to see if it's quality or cheap thin stuff. My old one is 18 years old and except for the massive cat damage, is still working 'innards wise'. I'd hope the next one will last that long.

Have no idea why it's so hard to locate a leather chesterfield sofa anywhere around here. See them on every TV show, in the offices of lawyers and other officials. Simple design, classic, but can I find one on the showroom floor???? Not in 18 years. All special order and nothing to look at or touch up close and personal. Weird.

Last one was a 'floor sample' which the store was thrilled to get rid of and said they would never have another one. This was a very GOOD store. Guess nobody likes them but me.