I recently sat down with Dolce & Gabbana to discuss the media firestorm that erupted when they spoke of their distaste for LGBT families as well as children conceived via IVF fertility treatments. I wanted to give the unambiguously gay duo a chance to fully explain themselves in a format slightly more forgiving than Twitter.

Here’s the transcript from that interview:

R: I’m just going to dive right in, ok? Do you two need to take the cocks out of your respective mouths to spew homophobia or are you able suck cock and hate your LGBT brothers and sisters at the same time?

Dolce: No, no. We’re were more than capable of doing both at the same time. It’s a skill we learned from Ken Mehlman and have very, very lovingly taught to Aaron Schock. Lindsey Graham is, of course, the most skilled in the art of homophobic ventriloquism. We refer to her as The Queen of the Ventriloquislings.

Roger: Thanks for sharing, Gabbana.

D: Dolce.

R: Sorry. You two are like Cagney & Lacey to me. The Thelma & Louise of design. I have no idea who’s who.

G (I think): Did you invite us here to insult us?

R: Kind of.

D (G?): We want to explain what we meant when we said that the only family is the “traditional” one and that children conceived through IVF are “synthetic.”

R: Please, be my guest.

D, or G: When we said those things, we meant we love everyone.

R: But that’s not even remotely what you said.

D, or G: But that’s what we meant.

R: Then why didn’t you say that?

G, or D: Because at the time we didn’t know how detrimental it would be to our business.

R: But now that you know…

G, or D: We love all people. We don’t judge. We don’t care how you live your unnatural, scientifically engineered lives.

R: That doesn’t sound very loving.

G, or D: What’s not loving? We love when you buy our clothes. We don’t care where the money comes from. We believe in equality! We’ll take money from a synthetic baby.

R: Speaking of that comment, didn’t you worry that you’d alienate your core demographic by referring to children conceived via IVF as “synthetic”?

G, or D: What do you mean?

R: IVF is extremely expensive, costing tens of thousands of dollars….

D, or G: That’s not so much…

R: …and frequently not covered by insurance. Because of its exorbitant price tag, the wealthy are the only people with access to it. Your clothes are the same way, available only to very few….

G, or D: Our clothes are reasonably priced.

R: There’s a $1,000 t-shirt on your site.

D, or G: What’s your point?

R: The people who are getting IVF are the same people buying $1,000 t-shirts. Did you worry about alienating your clients?

G, or D: We are artistes. We don’t think before we speak. We never take demographics into account when we offend people.

R: Clearly.

G, or D: We don’t understand all the pushback. We were just stating our opinions ~ which we are allowed to do ~ and people responded with their fascist word policing and by being racist dictators.

R: Actually, no, it’s not. It’s just other people stating their opinions.

G, or D: But we’re famous.

R: So is Elton John.

D, or G: Oh, don’t even get us started with that queen…where was Dame Elton’s boycott of Rush Limbaugh when he was earning $1,000,000 to play Rush’s fourth wedding??? And Rush Limbaugh’s said far more disgusting things about gay people than anything we’ve said. Rush has said himself that he is “vehemently anti-gay marriage” and has, much more recently, blamed marriage equality for incest! We feel like Elton would call off the boycott of D&G if we simply gave him $1,000,000.

R: It’s not a bad point you make. Although Elton did, supposedly, donate that money to a gay cause. Also, I’m not sure that we want to get into a competition over who has said the most offensive things about the gay community, especially since you two belong to that community. Do you really want to compare yourselves to Rush Limbaugh?

And with that, the designing duo took the penises out of their mouths and stormed out. It was like the blow job equivalent of a mic drop. The interview was over.

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Roger Rosen

Author: Roger Rosen
Roger is a husband, step-father, son, brother, uncle, activist, writer, Broadway performer (Fiddler on the Roof), recovering office manager (where he child wrangled upwards of 60 adults) and hernia survivor. He currently works at Trader Joe’s in Millburn where he can be seen utilizing his BFA from NYU putting kale on a shelf. Also, he serves on the Human Rights Campaign’s Greater NY Steering Committee as the Volunteer Coordinator for NJ. He writes at his own blog Rogeronimo. Like his FB page, rogeronimo.com, and follow him on twitter @rogeronimo_com.