Fight For Zero

Abuse + Silence = More Abuse

Be aware that she may not view herself as a victim of violence. Let her know that abuse of any sort is wrong and name the behavior for what it is without verbally attacking the abuser.

Acknowledge her strength and bravery in opening up to you and asking for help.

Help her to assess her level of safety by asking questions about what is going on and what abuse has taken place. Even if abuse is not of a physical nature, emotional & psychological abuse can cause a victim to inflict personal harm.

Be supportive not demanding of what the victim needs to do. Only the victim knows when and if to leave their situation. Review options that can help the victim to make informed decisions on their own.

Keep your conversation confidential! If the abuser contacts you, DO NOT divulge information.

Talking about an abusive relationship takes courage-tell them this! – Help them identify their strengths. Being in an abusive relationship is not an indication of weakness, to the contrary it takes strength in order to survive.

Understand that they still love their partner in spite of the abuse. - it is normal to have mixed emotions about a partner who is abusive. In many cases, abuse does not happen all the time. A victim may have positive experiences as well as fearful times. Leaving any relationship is a loss that will be grieved, not only for what was, but for hopes and dreams that were built in the relationship.

Understand that they may feel emotionally and physically exhausted. - Many victims of domestic violence experience symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and have no idea what is happening to them. Symptoms include insomnia, flashbacks andpanic attacks, memory and concentration problems and nightmares. Explain tot hem that they are having a normal reaction to being in an abnormal situation.

Let them know they are not alone. - Explain that you are concerned for their safety and well-being. Let them know that there are people who can help. Counseling or support groups can be a wonderful resource for emotional support.

Encourage them to take care of themselves. - Initially victims feel that they are not deserving of self-care. Taking time for themselves also helps them to feel that they are worthwhile and deserving.

Talk to victims about the cycle of violence. - In most abusive relationships there is a common pattern or cycle to the abuse. Each time this occurs, the abuse often escalates. A reason some victims stay in abusive relationships is seeing a glimmer of the person they fell in love with during the honeymoon phase.

Talk to victims about personal rights in relationships. - Many victims who grew up in violent homes or have experienced multiple abusive relationships may not have any concept of what their needs and rights are in relationships. Stress to them that they have a right to be treated with respect, to make their own choices, and that love should not hurt!

What can I say to a victim of domestic violence?
i believe you.
I am afraid for you.
It is not your fault.
You DO NOT deserve to be abused.
Help is available.

Helping someone who is experiencing domestic violence

Learn all you can about domestic violence. Gather facts about domestic violence. You will be more equipped to help a person experiencing domestic violence if you are informed. Speak to local domestic violence agencies.

Lend a sympathetic ear. Let the person know that you care and are willing to listen. DON”T force the issue, but allow the victim to talk to you at their own pace. NEVER blame the victim for the abuse (that is what the abuser does) and don’t underestimate the potential danger.

Give the victim the emotional support they need. The victim has probably been emotionally abused and constantly told by their batterer several degrading personal comments. Focus on their strengths and abilities. Look at what the person has done to survive emotionally and physically. Without positive reinforcement from outside of their situation, the victim may begin to believe the put downs of the abuser.

Encourage the victim to see the danger and tell them that they do not have to live that way. The abuser is responsible for the abuse. Let the person know that no everybody lives with abuse and that they are suffering physical and emotional harm. Express concern for the victim but do not try to rescue them. The victim needs to learn to believe in their own abilities to find solutions.

How can I help a friend of family member that is being abused?

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety.
Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening os not “normal” and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation.
Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive.
Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental.
Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship several times. Do not criticize their decisions or try to guilt them. They will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them.
Even though the relationship was abusive, your friends or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.

Help him or her to develop a safety plan.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance.
Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling and support groups. Offer to go with them to talk to family and friends, to police or attorneys as moral support.

Remember that you cannot” rescue” him or her.
Although it is difficult to see someone you car about get hurt, ultimately the perspn getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to make a change. It is important for you to support them and help them to find a way to safety.

HOW TO HELP A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ABUSE

When a survivor of sexual abuse shares their experiences, they are entrusting you with a part of their life that is painful, frightening, and vulnerable. These guidelines can help you honor that trust and assist in their healing:

Be willing to listen. Let them know you are willing to listen and although some aspects may be painful and difficult, you are willing to do your best to enter those places with them with kindness and respect.

Join the survivor in validating the damage. All abuse is harmful. Even if the event had not been violent, overtly physical or repeated. The occurrence of the abuse itself has significant implications to the mental well-being of the individual who has been violated. Each person may deal with such issues in their own way.

Educate yourself about sexual abuse and the healing process. A basic empathetic understanding of what the survivor has been through will help. Put yourself for a moment in their shoes and view from their prospective.

Validate the survivor’s feelings: anger, pain and fear. These are natural and healthy responses. Be there to allow them to express them ….listen.

Express your compassion. If you have feelings of outrage, compassion, or empathy, share them. However, be sure your feelings do not overwhelm theirs. Be genuine.

Respect the time and space it takes to heal. Healing is an on going journey that cannot be rushed or put a time limit on.

Encourage the survivor to get support. In addition to offering your support and listening skills, encourage the survivor to reach out to organizations designed to counsel their specific needs.

Get help if the survivor is suicidal. Most are not suicidal. However, the feelings and memories can be so overwhelming to deal with that suicidal thoughts creep in as a coping mechanism. Express to them you care and concern. Take them or highly encourage them to seek assistance even if that means calling hotlines open 24 hours/7 days a week.

Accept that there will very likely be major changes in your relationship with the survivor as she heals. As the survivor copes with the feelings and memories, they will change. In accordance with that, some relationships will change as well. This is a journey to a scary place. Hopefully with assistance and time, the outcome will be to a better place than they have ever been.

Resist seeing the survivor as a victim. Continue to view the survivor as a strong, courageous person who is reclaiming their life. That is exactly what they are doing!!!!

Myths about Domestic Violence

“He’s been under a lot of stress.”
Abuse is not caused by the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, or any other stressful situation. Abusers typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to extreme stress. Abuse is actually a means of an attempt at control. An abuser is selective of whom they abuse; they are not usually choosing to assault a boss, neighbor or mail carrier, but instead attack their intimate partners and children.

“He must be sick.”
Abuse is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. An abuser’s personal experience as a child, or the messages they get from society in general, may tell them that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over an intimate partner’s behavior. An abuser must be held accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as simply “sick” wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their own behavior.

“If she wanted my help, she’d ask for it.”
A victim may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, fearing that they may not understand their situation. If you suspect your friend is a victim, try approaching the subject in a general way. For example, you could say something about a television documentary you’ve seen or a magazine article you’ve read. Tell her you are concerned about women who are in situations of domestic abuse.

“It’s not safe for me to direct her to help.”
Sometimes abusers will act violently with anyone who is helping the victim. Be aware that there are no guarantees to your safety. Encourage them to seek professional assistance from a domestic violence program.

“It is too hard on me to get involved.”
If you have offered assistance and are feeling emotionally drained, suggest that your friend speak to a professional counselor to better assist them through this traumatic time in their lives. Maybe the best offer of support you can provide at this time is to offer them a safe location to phone from for professional assistance.