CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van DreasonCan you think of a time when you were desperate for a specific piece of information, or had some news you were anxious about hearing?

INTERVIEW 1

Oooh, uhh, when Trump became president. I remember that. I was like…oh, the day before um I was so anxious and I was like, aheh, I don’t think this is going to happen, but you never know, and then like it happened and ….

[Charlie on the MTA begins to play]CHUCK OCTAGON

Did you wait up to….see the results?

INTERVIEW 1No, I didn’t. I was so scared. I was like, if I keep – oh my gosh, it was so bad. I was like, if I keep like wrestling and like thinking about this? I’m never going to be able to like…go to bed or anything. So…yeah. I couldn’t. I could not.

PREVIOUSLY IN

LYDIA ANDERSON

Previously in Greater Boston.

OLIVER WEST — Mike Linden

Welcome home, Mr. Stamatis.

PHILLIP WEST — Michael MeliaCan I just go to jail now? GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE — Lydia AndersonTake him away boys.DIPSHIT POLETTI — James CapobiancoYou wanna join the commune? ISAIAH POWELL — Mario Da Rosa JrWell I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to that yet. MICHAEL TATE — James OlivaMaybe I could find other people to help through the tubes. Guide others from afar, like Leon guided me.

EMILY BESPIN — Sam MusherYou forget your place again, you may end up without one. Just like so many of my enemies will.

S3 TITLE SEQUENCE

Multiple Voices

Fields CornerHyde Park

Want it in character voice or real voice? East BostonAlrightMaldenRed LineDorchesterSalemSomervilleWest RoxburyHansonWorcesterMaldenThis..

At first, I believed this could be beneficial. Mr. Poletti had delivered me back to Oliver, my main adversary. If I was directly re-connected to him, it would be easier to listen to his scheming, which would make it easier to mount counter-measures to thwart his plans.

But then things started to become…complicated.

OLIVER — Mike Linden (shoving out of the way)

Don’t touch it! Direct physical contact could have adverse effects.

MANAGER — Rick Zieff

You’re telling me this silly little ball has – powers?

OLIVER

Difficult to believe, I’m sure, but it’s true. This particular crystal ball contains the spirit of a would-be employee of Third Sight Media, a Mr. Leon Stamatis, whom I convinced to aide my efforts in turning our Red Line predictions into facts, in addition to helping secure the city for us by way of supernatural spying.

LAWYER — Rick Zieff

Oh, you blackmailed a ghost!

OLIVER

Something to that effect. But one must be careful with all possessed objects, as direct contact could result in a mixture of thoughts and feelings between the natural world and the metaphysical one.

[Mechanical whirring noises as the robots march over. Poletti struggles].

DIPSHIT

No — no not again!

OLIVER

Again? Of course. You’ve had contact already, which is why you were able to find us. Mr. Stamatis is able to see far and wide. My question is, how did you manage to find this ball in the first place?

DIPSHIT

I’ll tell you. I promise. It’s — it’s quite simple, really. You see, the truth is, I reached — very far. As far as I could. Straight into your rectum. And I pulled it out.

OLIVER

Aheh. Give him the ball.

ETHAN

Cheese robots, place the ball into his hands and secure it there.

DIPSHIT

No no — wait I — (the ball is placed into his hand and Dipshit instantly changes) — So the question was, now where to go? Isabelle might be able to help, but how much?

MANAGER

What is this?

SALES

Look at his face.

LAWYER

It’s like he — it’s like he’s someplace else completely. Is he channeling someone’s thoughts?

OLIVER

Quite possibly. My guess is, it’s Mr. Stamatis himself.

DIPSHIT

He needed to be there for her, commiserate her loss, not demand she do something for a person she didn’t know, a person Isaiah barely knew.

OLIVER

Hmm. Yes, an important note. You didn’t come here alone, did you Mr. Poletti? And whomever had accompanied you will soon be back with help. Now that we’ve secured Red Line, it’s time for us to set up shop there, so to speak. An opportune time to circle the wagons, address our new mayor and begin implementing our plans for Red Line.

MANAGER

This ball. I want to know its full market potential.

OLIVER

I uhh — Hmm, I’m not sure if I —

MANAGER

Bespin. Your priority should be the transit automation, but when you’re not working on that, we want you …on the ball. If we could harness that power — the power to read thoughts and minds of our customers? Of our competition?

The sky comes for us all eventually. There’s no point in trying to grow wings.

OLIVERHmm. It terrifies me that sometimes I begin to understand you.

ETHAN

And yet.

OLIVER

This location is compromised. We have secured Red Line. The choice to leave is obvious.

ETHAN

Grave voices echo vertically down through the dirt.

OLIVER

Whatever is between the two of you? You need to mend it. You both have what you want now!

ETHAN

She has what you want, not what she wants.

OLIVER

Then educate me. What is it she wants.

ETHAN

Still water which refuses to reflect the stubbornly dull stars on a clear night.

OLIVER

Okay. That one got away from me.

ETHAN

Emily wants a moment in time to last forever. And no matter what you offer her, what you give her, you can’t bring that moment back. And neither can I. [Pause]. There’s a space close to Kendall MIT that would be ideal for a lab. I could refashion it. But I need you to give me time to do my work, which means you’ll occasionally need to run interference.

OLIVER

Deal.

ETHAN

From a deck full of jokers and instructions for pinochle.

LEON

And so, Oliver and Ethan packed up the equipment and took several trips to their new lab near the Kendall / MIT stop. And days later, once they were finally done settling into their new headquarters, Oliver received a distressing phone call.

Phil. Great to meet you. I like to get to know the fellas who are dating my friends. Do you know why? I like to weed out the creeps. You know. The type of guy who will stage an attack that temporarily blinds my friend in one eye solely so he can gain her trust to manipulate and spy on her so he can help commit terrorism and rig a city election. The usual type of creeps.

Give it up, Gemma. He’s too smart for us. He’s not going to talk. He’s a mastermind. Besides, what we get out of his uncle will be much more valuable.

GEMMA

Good point. And I get the feeling ole’Uncle Ollie will be far more willing to sell Phil the Pill up the river.

LOUISA

I say we crack that nut instead of wasting our time …here in the… mudd.

PHIL (laughs)

Now listen, Louisa. You may be a wonderful police officer, but, believe me, you couldn’t sell fake patents to your mother.

LOUISA

I’m not a police officer. I’m a private investigator. And we get it, you’re a Star Trek character. Congratulations, you’re still in jail. Or excuse me, “the brig.”

[Footsteps, door closes]

GEMMA

I’m telling you he looks so goddamn familiar and I don’t know why. You sure you never showed me a picture?

LOUISA

Not that I remember.

GEMMA

Did you have any hanging up at your house?

LOUISA

We dated for like a couple months, we’re not the goddamn Waltons.

GEMMA

Well I don’t know! It’s freaking me out!

LOUISA

Let’s talk to the chess board bozo.

GEMMA

You think he knows anything?

LOUISA

Not sure, but the more we know the more leverage we have.

[Walking down echoey hallway, buzzer, opening large door]

[Blackberry Rag plays]

MARLO — Mike Linden

Finally, been sitting’ here for eternity. Will one of you tell me what I’m doing rotting in this cell? What, fellas get locked up for playing a little chess now? I barely played, mostly just waited for someone to play, that’s all. Just waiting for someone to play and deliver a message. Heck, I don’t even know how to play. I was just there on a job. Odd jobs keep the bread buttered, that’s what my old man used to tell me. He was a handyman, used to do all sorts of work in his spare time. And me? Well, I’m retired now, but I used to own a few print and copy shops. I say used to but I still own them, I just don’t do much work there anymore. Oh, I mean, I stop in from time to time, see how they’re running, like to keep everyone on their toes, I run a tight ship. I mean I don’t really run it anymore, because like I said I’m retired. But — the ship is mine. And, well, umm, they know I run a good enough ship that they like to run it. Uh-huh. Tight. And I used to run a tight enough ship that the ship is still tight so when I swing by and take a look at how tight the ship is it turns out it’s still pretty tight —

GEMMA

SHUT UP.

LOUISA

The guy who hired you. What can you tell us about him?

GEMMA

And try to keep your answers limited to half an epic tome rather than the entire volume.

MARLO

Uhh. His name is Phil.

LOUISA

Why did you take this job?

MARLO

Well, work is work, you know. And it was harmless, wasn’t it? Oh! Oh no, was I passing on secrets? I’m not involved in any spy stuff, am I? Was it one of those oppressive countries using me? Because if so I’m just a patsy. I mean I’m just a patsy either way. You know, that word doesn’t sound so good for a word that’s supposed to describe someone who’s innocent. Patsy. Bleh. It has a bad sound to it, don’t you think?

GEMMA

Sure does. How did he know to contact you in the first place?

MARLO

Said someone I’ve worked with in the past recommended me. Could be anyone of course because they all know I’m solid. Yep. That’s me. Solid and dependable. Tight ship. There’s Walter from the papers, there’s Chicken the line cook, there’s Donnie down the block, I make deliveries to the pound for him sometimes. Yeah, there’s Juanita who pays me to get her groceries, course that’s not really a job and she tries to give me gas money but I don’t take it. Oh speaking of groceries, there’s the truck guy, yeah, puttin’ food in a tube, there’s Libby from the dump, there’s Javier from the car lot —

LOUISA

Did — did you say tube?

LEON STAMATIS — Braden Lamb

Yes. Put it together.

MARLO

Yeah. The guy without a truck. He really likes Bertha. That’s the name of my truck, although he don’t like that it’s named Bertha. But he likes her just fine, likes her too much in fact. Not that I blame him because she’s s a Ford Super Duty, but I also got a Ford Taurus and —

GEMMA

The tube. Tell her about the tube.

MARLO

Uhh, well he puts food in it.

LEON

Yes. For Michael!

GEMMA

Tuna subs?

MARLO

What?

LEON

No!

GEMMA

Tuna subs. Is it Tuna Subs that he puts in the tube?

MARLO

Well I never saw what was in there, to be honest. I suppose it could be tuna. And sub rolls and whatever else you may need to make a tuna sub.

GEMMA

Celery?

MARLO

Well, come to think of it, yeah, there was a celery stalk poking out of at least one grocery bag, yeah.

LEON

No, no, this isn’t for the publisher!

LOUISA

Where was this tube?

MARLO

Some parking lot a little outside of the city. I figured it was a bank. You know some of those banks have some of those tubes?

GEMMA (to Louisa)

Third Sight has a tube in the parking lot. It’s the publisher. He’s still there, getting his tuna tubes right on cue.

LEON

No, it’s for Michael! He needs your help!

LOUISA

Who hired you for these jobs again?

MARLO

Just some guy that loves trucks.

LOUISA

Who hired him?

MARLO

No idea.

LOUISA

And someone you work with recommend you to Phil.

MARLO

Far as I understand it.

[Pause]

GEMMA

Excuse us a minute.

MARLO

Hey, how long are you gonna leave a fella in— [door slams]

[Footsteps]

LOUISA

Do you really think he’s just hanging out upstairs still?

GEMMA

The Newton Police checked the place out and came up with nothing. But I never knew where the guy was and I worked there for decades.

LOUISA

Is it possible he wasn’t in the building? Those tubes with the Klingon notes were all over the city.

GEMMA

I don’t think the—what are you doing here?

NICA STAMATIS — Kelly McCabe

I’m — I’m shutting you guys down.

GEMMA

Get out of here!

NICA

I’ve been told to act as Phil’s representative and to ensure nobody speak to him until he’s had a chance to talk to his lawyer.

GEMMA

Uh-huh. And who asked you to do that?

NICA

Who do you think?

GEMMA

Well let me remind you that you’re not a lawyer and you can remind Emily Bedpan that she’s not the mayor yet.

LOUISA

Okay, okay. Take it easy. Deep breaths. Nica, have you heard anything on your end?

NICA

There’s a meeting later that seems super shady. Other than that, it’s been quiet. Emily’s been…writing something though. And laughing a lot while doing so.

GEMMA

Well that can’t be good.

LOUISA

Can you try to get into that meeting?

NICA

I’ll do my best. It would help if you guys would cooperate with me here. And if I could throw them a bone about how much useable information you got from Phil.

GEMMA

Whoa, whoa, hold on, all of this is going way too fast.

LOUISA

Gemma…

GEMMA

How much do you really trust her? What makes you think she’s not going to go to them and spill her guts?

NICA

I am. That’s the whole point.

GEMMA

To what end?

NICA

To the end that they trust me and give me enough information to help put them away.

GEMMA

Well excuse me, but we’ve been playing this Boris and Natasha game for months now and all you’ve given us is Bullwinkle.

LOUISA

Come on, that’s not true, she’s given us records, she’s given us information on the robots—

[Farewell to Nigg plays]

GEMMA

It’s not enough! None of it! Bespin wins, dickwad Phil might walk. And I’m just supposed to give up? Just trust you? After what you did? You know my son — my infant son — could have been killed. Right?

NICA

I’m — I’m sorry.

GEMMA

I gotta take a walk.

NICA

She’s right.

LOUISA

No. Come here. (They hug) It’s okay. She’s — she’s upset. For a lot of reasons. She was dealing with some things even before the election. And after? Well… we’re all on edge after. Listen to me. I trust you. I know you’re trying. Okay?

NICA

Okay. Okay.

LOUISA

Let me fill you in on Mr. Phil.

[Farewell to Nigg fades]

CHUCK OCTAGON — Jeff Van Dreason

Can you think of a time when you were desperate for a specific piece of information or had news you were anxious about hearing?INTERVIEW 2Every day of my life. (laughs). Umm. I’m anxious…a lot of the time.INTERVIEW 3Uhh, that happens almost every day. I’m really nosy. Especially when my family is talking about things. Like between her and her sisters, I just peak my head in the door and say, ‘oh hey, what’s going on?’ So that’s an everyday thing for me. (laughs).CHUCKOkay! INTERVIEW 4I don’t wanna specify, but couple years back there was some legal issues going on with my family. And they took about three months to get back with the decision. When they finally did, I was all but a little ball of anxiety and nervousness. It was in our favor, it was in our favor.

CHUCKThat’s good.INTERVIEW 4So that relieved the weight. But I wish it hadn’t taken so long to finally inform us that they made the decision. INTERVIEW 5Well, getting my GED. Yeah. Finding out what my grades was gonna be. That definitely motivated me, I was definitely anxious to find out. INTERVIEW 6Sometimes I — I fear for my own life. Um, I one of those people that gets scared. Like, I would try to look up the news of – to see if there was terrorism in Europe or something before uhh, before we traveled somewhere? Or we’d go to Japan, I’d see like how – like how often they have earthquakes. INTERVIEW 7The job I have now, I applied for it when I was still in school. And they’re like, oh we’ll get back to you in two weeks, two weeks was going by and I was like, oh my gosh. Did I get the job back, did I not? INTERVIEW 8Yeah. I definitely need information from my colleagues regularly. And don’t always get it when I need it. INTERVIEW 9My diretor, and like my boss, is a photographer. And one time he was telling me stories how he traveled to Costa Rica. He took this really, really great photo, I was like please tell me how you took this photo. He — he just didn’t have the time to tell me at the moment. INTERVIEW 6I’m very self aware, I guess umm. In a way it could be healthy for you, because it’s good, it’s a good thing that you’re aware of your surroundings and – and know what place is dangerous and what place isn’t dangerous. INTERVIEW 9He left a key detail and I was like. WHAT? What, what, I wanna hear it! I wanna hear it, so I – I pursued him for like three days and he finally told me the part I wanted to know and I was like (clap). Thank you.

DISPERSION OVER GENTLE GROUND

[City traffic noise]LEON STAMATIS — Braden Lamb

Isaiah read about his aunt’s loss to Emily Bespin on his phone shortly after escaping from Wonderland. He knew she needed him. She needed encouragement. She needed some tea. She needed a hug.

He needed to say he was sorry.

But he also needed to do something else first. Leaving Dipshit behind hadn’t been easy, especially since they were so close to the man who had framed Isaiah and Isaiah had been so close to finally putting his fist in his face. But those robots were…weird. And frightening enough to take Dipshit’s pleas to flea seriously. He swore he would return to rescue Dipshit, but he needed reinforcements. So he set out to find the commune.

It took some time. Dipshit hadn’t given him the address in the note he’d passed at Shawmut, just vaguely referencing a spot in Brookline; a large building, an abandoned school adjacent to a large garden and a modest gallery, across from a Speedway and a CitiBank. After searching the entire day, Isaiah reluctantly retreated to his apartment. The second day went the same way. Isabelle called with an invite to a Star Trek convention on the morning of day 3. Isaiah considered it. He knew it would make her feel better. But he wanted to give himself one more day to find the commune and see if they could help.

ISABELLE POWELL — Jessica Washington

Help with what?

ISAIAH POWELL — Mario da Rosa Jr

Don’t worry about it, Aunt Izzy. I’ll see you tonight.

LEON

And finally, in the early evening of Day 3, he found the commune. Completely shuttered, boarded-up and littered with eviction notices like Post-It notes over a busy desk or pictures of children on a family fridge.

ISAIAH

They evicted them all? Already?

LEON

So the question was, now where? Isabelle might be able to help, but how much? He needed to be there for her, commiserate her loss, not demand she do something for a person she didn’t know, a person Isaiah barely knew. Especially a person named Dipshit. He thought about breaking down the boarded up door to see if he could find of a trace of a commune, but figured it would be a bad look for someone freshly exonerated.

[Thunder / traffic overhead and horns honking]

So once again, he wandered, this time vaguely in the direction home. He walked until his feet hurt and his soles felt worn to the ground, until a thunderstorm broke out, fierce rain forcing him to hide in an underpass, listening to the rhythmic hum of traffic above him, counting the number of angry Masshole horn blasts. He thought about how strange it was to possess such a strong sense of urgency and feel completely directionless at the same time.

And then?

[Pneumatic tube noise / splash]

LEON

Michael? That must mean you’re still okay!

ISAIAH (simultaneously)

Ahh! Wait — is that another one of those tubes? What, are they following me?

LEON

Isaiah opened the tube and read.

ISAIAH / MICHAEL TATE — James Oliva

Dispersion.

Success.

The king approaches his temple.

It furthers one to cross the great water.

Perseverance furthers.

[Ambient music plays]

ISAIAH

What….the…

[Another tube arrives.] Yeah, sure, why not? [Opens tube].

ISAIAH / MICHAEL

The gentle.

Success through what is small.

It furthers one to have somewhere to go.

It furthers one to see the great woman.

ISAIAH

Seriously? Who *are* you?

[Another tube. Isaiah opens it.]

(Reads) A friend.

It’s strange. But I know what this means. I’ve been making excuses about seeing her. Because of how I acted last time we were together. I don’t think I was wrong exactly. Not what I was saying, maybe just how I said it.

Time to cross the great water. Approach my temple. See the great woman. Success through what is small.

[Thunder / traffic fades out, Red Line train fades in]

LEON

And so, Isaiah went straight to Isabelle’s Red Line apartment just as she was getting home from the Star Trek convention, all decked out in full Geordi LaForge. He told her everything. About Dipshit. About the commune. About Wonderland. Even about the notes in the tube.

ISAIAH

What do you think they mean?

ISABELLE

What did it mean to you?

ISAIAH

To not give up, but to recognize where you went wrong. Go back to it. Make amends.

ISABELLE

Mmm. It furthers one to cross the great waters.

ISAIAH

It furthers one to have someplace to go.

LEON

Isabelle told Isaiah that Phil, the man who had framed him, had been arrested. Then, they talked. They laughed. They cried. And together, they came up with a plan.

ISABELLE (over phone)

Hi, Charlotte? It’s Isabelle. I don’t know how else to say this so I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Me and Isaiah need your help.

ROLLED COINS, WRITTEN TUBES

[Pig’s Feet / Michael’s Theme plays]

MICHAEL TATE – James Oliva

I have no idea if my Klingon note worked, but man did it feel good sending them. So I figure I could do more of the same. Except not exactly in the same fashion, maybe something a little more…organized. The Klingon tubes were sent all at once in a rush, too quickly to figure out which tube lead to which screen. So I play a little game of trial and error. At night, when people aren’t likely to be freaked out by a tube appearing out of nowhere, I fire one off to map where it ends up on the closed-circuit screens.

Remarkably, most of the tubes are picked up and thrown out in the span of 48 hours by garbagemen or good samaritans. Some people open them and are promptly disappointed there’s nothing inside. Some people send the tubes back after discovering where they shoot out from, which I appreciate, honestly. I have a lot of tubes in here, but not an infinite supply. Every single person who sends them back gives a delightful, shocked little jump as it shoots out of their hands. It freaks them out, but they can’t believe it works at the same time. Heh.

I map out my results with masking tape and a felt pen. Tube to close-circuit TV screen. And then I wait. And watch. Not a lot happens. Most people just pass by. These locations are odd, the type of places you usually avoid. Dark alleys sandwiched between buildings, corners with dumpsters and rats. Some are bus spots, some underpasses.

Speaking of underpasses. There’s this kid sitting under one, getting shelter from the rain, cats and dogs. He looks…he looks a little hopeless, a little lost.

And…wait. I know him. He’s the kid who was here with Dipshit. He’s the kid who was here with Dipshit…

I realize …this is it. This is the moment. This is why I mapped all these tubes out. But I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to help him. How can I help him if I don’t know what’s wrong?

[Thunder blasts]

Thunder…thunder over thunder.

When I was near my lowest, I played the I-Ching. I thought it was Leon giving me advice, and in some ways, maybe it was. But whatever it was, it gave me hope and direction. Maybe it can do the same for this kid. Maybe it’ll help. It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?

[Pig’s feet / other music ends, rain and thunder continues]

I roll my coins. Write my notes. Fire my tubes. The kid’s clearly confused. I write down the explanation of his judgements. But then he’s — gone? Maybe it worked? Maybe it freaked him out? Who knows. Hopefully he’s okay.

I get a snack but — man, there hasn’t been a grocery delivery in a while. Nothing to eat but some celery.

[Crunchy bite. Michael chewing]

Better than nothing, I guess. I dunno. I’m sure there will be more food coming soon.

FACE TIME

[Red Line train pulls into a station. Red Line doors]

CHARLOTTE LINZER-COOLIDGE — Summer Unsinn

Hi there. Is she busy? Who am I kidding, of course she is. Still, I wonder if —

NICA STAMATIS — Kelly McCabe

You!

CHARLOTTE

Yes, me, I know I’m unannounced. But — but honestly, I’m a bit surprised she hasn’t — well, that none of you reached out to me? There’s some transitionary work I’d really like to discuss and —

NICA

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

CHARLOTTE

Look, I know there’s no love loss between our two camps, but there’s an entire city at stake, and I simply want to make sure that —

NICA

Mrs. Bespin is about to entertain some very important …businessmen. She simply doesn’t have the time at the moment, I’m sorry.

CHARLOTTE

Of course she doesn’t. Is there anything I can tell you, then? While I’m waiting for the next stop?

NICA

No. I think we’ll just need to figure it out as we go.

CHARLOTTE

Of course you will.

NICA

I — I will say…I — I watched you, once. At Park Street. In person.

CHARLOTTE

Watched me?

NICA

I mean, ugh, I’m sorry. I saw what you did. I saw you save that college kid. Lift him over the tracks. I was there. I was — well. I guess you could say I was…inspired.

CHARLOTTE

Great. I inspired you to work for Emily.

NICA

Not exactly, no.

[Charlotte’s phone rings]

CHARLOTTE

Excuse me, it’s someone who might actually give a damn. (Answers phone). Isabelle? Of course, how can I help?

I’m sorry, she came unannounced. Said she wanted to talk to you about the transition.

EMILY

Ugh. As if we need her help. Is everyone ready?

NICA

Uhh, everyone….is in the next car.

EMILY

Have they been properly refreshed?

NICA

I …believe so.

EMILY

Well. How does my hair look.

NICA

Uhh. Properly…refreshed?

EMILY

Don’t be smart, Nica. You’re addressing your new mayor. Mmm, I’m going to give myself a once over in the powder room over before I join. Check on them and make sure they’re comfortable.

NICA

Of course, Emily.

[NICA enters the next car]

NICA

She’s going to be furious when she finds out Ethan’s not here.

OLIVER WEST – Mike Linden

Not as furious as I am that you’re here. What exactly do you think you’re doing, Nica?

NICA

Continuing our work, no thanks to you.

OLIVER

Last I heard, you were getting a severe case of cold feet. Philip told me you were attempting to disarm —

NICA

Your moronic molasses bomb that scalded a poor woman and hurt a dozen others? Yeah, I was. You’re welcome for that. Except, whoops, never mind, your nincompoop nephew went through with your plan, even after you lied and said it’d been called off. That was too far, Oliver, and you know it.

OLIVER

Regrettable, no doubt. And after it happened I —

NICA

Ran away rather than face the consequences?

OLIVER

Managed from afar is how I’d put it. Now, if you please. What news do you have of Philip?

NICA

They got him on fingerprints – for the molasses bomb, for the framing of Isaiah Powell, all of it. He’s not talking and didn’t give up any information anyway, but they also brought in an accomplice who was talking about being hired for another job possibly related to Phil. Something about food in tubes?

OLIVER

What? That’s ridiculous and doesn’t sound connected to Philip or myself in the slightest.

NICA

Well the RLPD made a connection with your favorite meal and how you prefer to have it delivered.

OLIVER

Tuna subs? Ahh, yes. Gemma Linzer-Coolidge works there now, yes?

NICA

I don’t know any of their names.

OLIVER

She was a subordinate of mine, once upon a time. But I haven’t the foggiest about Phil being involved with food or tubes. And even if he was, what’s the crime?

NICA

It sounds like it’s the only lead they have.

OLIVER

Lead? To what?

NICA

To you. They’re trying to get information out of him connected to you.

OLIVER

I see. Well, we won’t give him the chance. Philip’s lawyer will have arrived by now. He’ll sit quiet until his trial, where I’m sure Emily can use her freshly instituted mayoral powers to ensure he’s acquitted of all charges.

[Emily enters the car]

OLIVER

Ah, Emily. We were just discussing you. I’m hoping you’d be willing to use your influence to ensure Phillip’s delivery into innocence?

EMILY

Where’s Ethan?

OLIVER

Ah, yes. Well — uhh. (Pause). Nica, could you excuse us for a minute? This is a sensitive matter.

EMILY

She can stay and you can tell me where my husband is.

OLIVER

There are some things better discussed privately. Between…upper management. Don’t you think?

NICA

It’s fine, Emily. The sooner I go, the sooner you’ll learn what you need to know.

[Nica steps into the other car. Takes a moment. Presses the intercom button to listen into other room].

OLIVER (through intercom)

— and it’s very important he continue his work, so he’s setting up his new lab near the Kendall / MIT Train station.

EMILY

I need him here with me.

OLIVER

And he needs to complete his work in order for all the moving parts of our plan to successfully come together.

EMILY

Constantly? He needs to constantly work at that blasted lab?

OLIVER

I know this isn’t ideal, but I promise you he’ll come for you soon. Once his work is complete, our plan will be finished! You two can celebrate! But you also need to keep in mind that our mutual benefactors are putting him under a lot of pressure.

EMILY

I demand that he come and see me immediately. And I demand that you relay that information to him.

OLIVER

Emily. I recognize someone who is so caught up in their work they neglect their family obligations. And I recognize the damage that can cause. Let me propose this. We needed to leave Wonderland because we had an intruder. A former colleague of mine, a Mr…Poletti. He was spying on us, undoubtedly to aide our enemies. And now he’s currently with Ethan, so what I propose is —

EMILY

Ethan isn’t some prison guard.

OLIVER

No, of course not, and if you’ll let me finish? I’ll go relieve Ethan of his current obligations and send him to you before the night is over. As long as we’re clear about our plans regarding Philip, yes?

Citizens of Red Line, in a manner of hours I’ll officially become your new mayor, and I thank you for being sensible enough to place your trust in me.

As you know, I promised a new Red Line, one filled with order and laws which are actually enforced. Living here, you should have certain expectations. You should come home and find your husband waiting for you. Or your wife, I suppose. Not some stranger. Not some dirty rando trying to get to their dirty rando job.

Some people disagreed with us, but we showed them, didn’t we? Yes, those people disagreed with us so much that they resorted to terrorist tactics to try and send us a message, locking up doors and driving Red Line into chaos. But we didn’t listen. We put our faith in democracy. And democracy has showed them all.

And now we’re going to show them something else. We’re going to show them the door.

[Tam Lin Set plays]

My first duty as mayor will be the pass the following proclamation.

Anyone who participated in the Red Line boycott is in violation of their Red Line rail-home contract. Anyone who followed Isabelle Powell and resorted to economic terrorism and locked people out of their commute-ity rail homes are nothing but law breaking criminals. This contract violation will not be tolerated. The offending parties have fifteen days to find new residences. They’re all being evicted. No exceptions, no excuses.

NICA

Oh, no.

EMILY

I’m sure you’re as excited about these plans as I am.

No more criminals, no more bad guys, no more pathetic parasites clinging to our success. We’re putting law abiding Red Line citizens first. Welcome…to your new Red Line!

CREDITSGreater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

Hey, do you dig our show? Great! Please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, or one of the other podcast apps. Or write it in the sand. Right it in a paper airplane and shoot it at the moon. Write it down on paper, stuff it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. Is that considered pollution? If it is, don’t do that. Unless it’s a really great review.

So many wonderful friends with wonderful audio dramas included here, like Forrest Guide, Arden, Uncanny County, Jim Robbie and the Wanderers, Radio Drama Revival, and more. (sigh). Isn’t audio fiction the best?

Charlie on the MTA by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Blackberry Rag, Farewell to Nigg, and Tam Lin set by Adrienne Howard, Emily Petersen, and Dirk Tiede.Drums by Jim Johanson.Transcripts available at GreaterBostonShow.com

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

Do you dig our show? Great! Please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, or one of the other podcast apps. Or write it in the sand. Right it in a paper airplane and shoot it at the moon. Write it down on paper, stuff it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. Is that considered pollution? If it is, don’t do that. Unless it’s a really great review.

So many wonderful friends with wonderful audio dramas included here, like Forrest Guide, Arden, Uncanny County, Jim Robbie and the Wanderers, Radio Drama Revival, and more. (sigh). Isn’t audio fiction the best?

Charlie on the MTA by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Blackberry Rag, Farewell to Nigg, and Tam Lin set by Adrienne Howard, Emily Petersen, and Dirk Tiede.

]]>alexandercpdannerTranscript for Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizationshttps://greaterbostonshow.com/2019/01/29/transcript-for-episode-32-to-seek-out-new-life-and-new-civilizations/
Tue, 29 Jan 2019 07:35:11 +0000http://greaterbostonshow.com/?p=1919Continue reading Transcript for Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations→]]>COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON

Why do you think you’re here on this earth?

INTERVIEWI don’t know. I feel like I was set out to make a difference. I love helping people who are telling stories. I love hearing perspectives of the people so I can have a like a good relationship with them. Like, I just like hearing conversations about people’s life and how they live it. Like, how I can compare myself to a like completely different lifestyle that’s…I’ve never known before. So it’s just really fascinating learning about how other people live their life differently than I do.

[Charlie on the MTA]

PREVIOUSLY IN

JOHANNA BODNYK

Previously in Greater Boston

CHUCK OCTAGONThe projected winner of the special election for Red Line mayor is Emily Bespin.

PHILIP WEST

I can leave clues for Louisa! Maybe if she likes my little game, she’ll eventually forgive some of the stuff I did.

LOUISA

His boneheaded clues point directly to all those “beat the chess masters” at Harvard Square. But he’s clearly not going to be there, right?

WENDELL

Do you want to get dinner sometime?

LOUISA

Yeah! Sure!

WANDA MCINTOSH

Some crazy-ass postman gave me this letter from Leon addressed to Dimitri and Nica.

TYRELL FREDERICKS

I know Nica. I’ll deliver it to her.

S3 TITLE SEQUENCE

Multiple Voices

Fields CornerHyde Park

Want it in character voice or real voice? East BostonAlrightMaldenRed LineDorchesterSalemSomervilleWest RoxburyHansonWorcesterMaldenThis..

This week in Greater Boston, Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations

[Charlie fades]

GEORDI LAFORGE

[Convention crowd]

[Star Trek-type music plays]

LEON STAMATIS – Braden Lamb

Isabelle couldn’t believe she was here. She couldn’t believe she had lost the election to that deranged woman. She couldn’t believe she had accepted a gift from Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge.

It had been strange enough to receive a call from the lame-duck mayor desperately seeking a Klingon translator, of all things—though that had been no stranger than those canisters dropping all across the city in the first place.

And then Charlotte turned up at her carpartment the next morning, looking even more beat than Isabelle felt, with wrinkled clothes and bags under her eyes.

[Convention environment fades to Red Line]

[Train doors]

ISABELLE POWELL – Jessica Washington

You look like you had a worse night than I did.

CHARLOTTE LINZER-COOLIDGE – Summer Unsinn

Overseeing a close election isn’t for early risers. And then that thing with the tubes happened.

ISABELLE

Well, you might as well come on in. I expect this will be the last of our little tête-à-têtes. Have a seat where you like.

[Doors close]

CHARLOTTE

I brought scotch. I know it’s early, but…

ISABELLE

I’ll get glasses.

[Isabelle opens a cabinet and removes glasses to a counter.]

CHARLOTTE

I have something for you.

[Drinks being poured.]

CHARLOTTE

I’d wanted it to be a congratulatory gift, but under the circumstances, I hope it might do you some good anyway.

[Opens envelope]

ISABELLE

Are these…tickets to Trekapalooza?

CHARLOTTE

It’s this weekend at the Hynes. You deserve a day for yourself after all this.

ISABELLE

I’ll take it. Thank you. A toast?

CHARLOTTE

What is it they say? “May the…”

ISABELLE

NOPE.

CHARLOTTE

Oh…oh, right. It’s…”Live…live long and prosper?”

ISABELLE

That’s the one.

[Glasses clink]

[Convention environment and Star Trek music resume.]

LEON

And now here she was, at the Hynes Convention Center, decked out in her best Starfleet Uniform, anonymous for the first time in ages. It was difficult to be here, of course. Such a large building, so many people in such an open space. But the costume helped. The visor blocked out so much, hid the high ceilings from view, boxed in her frame of vision. Playing as Geordi, she imagined herself safely ensconced in a Jefferies tube, on her way to fix some dire technical malfunction. It was just enough to make the space endurable.

She’d hoped Isaiah would be here with her. He’d brought her to Trek conventions in the past, humored her geeking out over her favorite cast members. He’d even dressed up as Jean Luc Picard one year. But not this year. He had somewhere to be, a friend who needed his help.

[Convention and music cut out]

ISABELLE

Help with what?

ISAIAH POWELL – Mario da Rosa Jr. [Over phone]

Don’t worry about it, Aunt Izzy. I’ll see you tonight.

[Convention environment resumes]

LEON

After an exchange like that, she’s not supposed to worry? But she resolved to set her worry aside, if only for today. Today was for her. Today was for Star Trek.

INTERVIEW

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van DreasonDo you like Star Trek?

INTERVIEW 1

Uh, yeah!

INTERVIEW 2

Yes.

INTERVIEW 3

It’s okay.

INTERVIEW 4

I don’t dislike it, but I’ve got no thoughts about it whatsoever.

INTERVIEW 5

I don’t.

INTERVIEW 6

Have not watched it.

INTERVIEW 7

I met Walter Koenig, actually. At like a convention. And I went right up to him, and I said, “well–I can *Chekov* my bucket list!”

INTERVIEW 8

I haven’t watched any Star Trek.

INTERVIEW 9

Star Trek? No.

CHUCK

No?

INTERVIEW 9

No. Sorry.

CHUCKThat’s okay. Do you know anything about it?

INTERVIEW 9

No.

INTERVIEW 10

Um, Star Trek is like a Star Wars type movie, right?

INTERVIEW 8

It sounds more like war in the sky. So it’s like, they made it like they’re having a war, but it’s like they’re battling in outer space.

INTERVIEW 2

I just got attached to it more than Star Wars for some reason. And my mom liked it.

INTERVIEW 11

I’ve sadly never watched it! But I’ve also never seen Star Wars, so nobody can, like, say I have a bias.

INTERVIEW 6

I know it’s not Star Wars.

CHUCK

[laughs] That’s true, it’s not.

PAUL STAMETS AND HUGH CULBER

[News 7 intro theme plays.]

[Convention environment.]

CHUCK

This is Chuck Octagon reporting live from Boston Trekapalooza, where New England’s Trekkers and Trekkies celebrate their favorite long-running utopian sci-fi franchise. I am not just here as a reporter: I am here as a fan! Which is short for “fanatic.” Though not in the religious sense. Trekkers don’t protest funerals or bomb medical clinics. It just means we like a particular thing a lot. And that thing is: Star Trek.

Like many of my fellow fans here at Trekapalooza, I am engaging in the popular subcultural pastime known as “cosplay,” along with my husband, Andy Wood. In appreciation of Star Trek Discovery’s milestone inclusion of the franchise’s first main cast gay couple, I am dressed today as Chief Engineer Paul Stamets.

ANDY WOOD – Marck Harmon

And I’m…Hugh Culber? I don’t really know who that is.

CHUCK

He’s the ship’s doctor. Don’t worry about it, he’s cool. And in my head canon, the show *didn’t* stupidly toss him over in a gratuitously “edgy” reveal that spoiled a wonderful character dynamic while adding nothing of value to the plot.

ANDY WOOD

Does — does that mean I’m dead?

CHUCK

Also with me this morning is the Trekapalooza’s convention organizer, Tyrell Fredericks.

TYRELL FREDERICKS – Arun Sannuti

Hello!

CHUCK

So, Tyrell, how long have you been involved in Star Trek Fandom?

TYRELL

Oh, about six months. Ever since the Trekapalooza organizing committee hired me to coordinate the local logistics.

CHUCK

Oh. So you’re not a fan? How did you get involved in the convention?

TYRELL

Earlier this year, I launched an event planning business, specializing in high-complexity coordination, particularly for events situated in Red Line. Since Trekapalooza is such a large-scale undertaking, the organizing committee saw that my skills would serve their needs. That’s Tyrell Fredericks Event Planning—it’s Tyrell-iffic!

CHUCK

That’s a terrible slogan.

TYRELL

I know.

CHUCK

And that’s the story from Trekapalooza. I’m Chuck Octagon for 7 News Boston.

TYRELL

Before you go, can I ask you a favor? I’m trying to get ahold of Nica Stamatis. I know you just interviewed her, so I thought maybe…

CHUCK

Sorry, pal, I don’t give out contact info to random stalkers.

TYRELL

I’m not…! I have something for her. A letter.

CHUCK

Uh huh.

TYRELL

It’s from her brother. Leon.

CHUCK

I’ll be sure to tell her. Come on Andy, let’s go meet Tim Russ!

[Teleporter noise]

T’POL AND COMPUTER

[Convention environment]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE – Lydia Anderson

Tell me again why I’m dressed like this? … Louisa?

LOUISA ALVAREZ – Julia Propp [via earpiece]

Computer.

GEMMA

What?

LOUISA

You have to call me “computer.” It’s my code name.

GEMMA

Ugh, fine. Computer: why do I have to wear this ridiculous jumpsuit?

LOUISA

You’re undercover.

GEMMA

As…Spock?

LOUISA

T’Pol.

GEMMA

But I’ve got pointy ears. I thought Spock was the one with pointy ears.

LOUISA

All Vulcans have pointy ears.

GEMMA

Wow, you’re really into this, huh?

LOUISA

I’m into my job. If we’re doing the undercover thing, I want to do it right. I did a Tribble-truckload of research for this.

GEMMA

Do we even know he’s here?

LOUISA

He’s here. He checked in under one of his aliases—Rene McCoy. I’ve got a close eye on the security feeds now. It’ll be hard to spot him in such a huge crowd, but swear to god, I’m going to pin that asshole down.

GEMMA

Oh fluff! Computer, we have a problem. I just saw Isabelle Powell.

LOUISA

Here?!

GEMMA

She had a thing across her face, so I can’t be 100%, but it sure looked like her. Dangit, Charlotte told me she bought Isabelle tickets to a show. I never considered that it might be *this* show.

LOUISA

Should we warn her what’s going down?

GEMMA

Ahhhh…I think we shouldn’t. Let’s stay focused. We can talk to her after.

LOUISA

All these costumes sure aren’t helping. A lot of people have their faces completely covered.

GEMMA

You think he thought to cover his face?

LOUISA

He didn’t think to put gloves on to plant evidence, so I’m going to guess “no.”

[Teleporter noise]

HARRY MUDD

[More distant convention noises.]

[Ship’s bridge computer environment.]

LEON

Philip West knew he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be in public. But he never missed Trekapalooza. Trekapalooza was his day. And he especially couldn’t miss this year. With Discovery on the air, it was time to finally do his dream cosplay. Phil was finally going to be Harcourt Fenton Mudd. And not the new Mudd, not the Rainn Wilson Mudd—no shade to Wilson, he was great. But if Phil was going to be Harry Mudd, he was going back to roots, back to devious, puckish, mustachioed Roger Carmel. That was the Mudd for Philip West. Besides, Wilson went full beard for his Mudd, and Phil wasn’t a beard kind of guy. No, Carmel’s devilish little mustache was as much as Phil could stand to have on his face.

And he’d be the only one dressed as TOS Mudd too, just like that one guy at ComiCon who showed up in full Caesar Romero in the immediate wake of The Dark Knight. That guy was a hero, and Phil was determined to do it right, just like him.

He really needed to get himself into the cosplay contest. This was his year. He was sure of it.

[Phone rings with a red alert sound]

PHILIP WEST – Michael Melia

Hello?

MARLO – Mike Linden [telephone]

Hey, it’s Marlo. Marlo, from Craigslist? Only I’m not on Craigslist, I’m in your phone, because you said I should call you instead of using the e-mail. Anyway, you got me sitting out on the sidewalk looking for that friend of yours.

PHIL

I know who you are, Marlo.

MARLO

Oh, well that’s good! It’s good to be remembered, especially by guys that hire you to do stuff. Means I got a better chance a being hired to do more stuff.

LEON

Phil had wanted Guy to make the contact, but Guy never did any jobs so public. Guy was paranoid to a fault. Even in pointing Phil toward this Marlo character.

[Convention noises cut out]

GUY – Mike Linden [telephone]

You may contact him via his Craigslist advertisement. Do not tell him I directed you to his ad. Do not tell him my name. Do not tell him that you and I are acquainted. Provide him with details for this job and only this job. Do not encourage him to ask questions. Do not answer his questions.

[Convention sounds resume]

PHIL

Are we just chatting, or did you actually have something to tell me?

MARLO

Well, the thing is, you got me out here looking for that friend of yours. The lady by the chess boards? Only there’s no lady by the chess boards. I mean, there’s lots of ladies by the chess boards. It’s in the middle of Harvard Square for Ford’s sake, there’s ladies all over the place. Gentlemen too. Ladies and Gentlemen, just walking back and forth and all around the square. I guess that makes sense though. It’s a nice place. Lots to look at, if you’re the sort that likes just lookin’ at things.

Anyway, it’s half past now, and your lady ain’t showed up.

PHIL

Look, Marlo, just stay put, okay? You’re there early. She’s not due for another half hour.

MARLO

Well that’s true, I am early. Half hour early. It’s only polite. So if it’s a half hour early, and a person isn’t where they’re supposed to be a half hour later, well then they’re late. If you say stay, though, I’ll stay. But you only paid me for two hours, so if it takes more than two hours, you gotta pay me for the extra time, I mean that’s only fair. This is America after all, and in America, a man’s gotta get paid for the hours he works. That’s the law!

PHIL

You’ll get paid. Just sit tight and get that note to Louisa.

LEON

Phil replayed his own assurances in his head. It was still early. But he kind of agreed with Marlo — he thought Louisa would be there there first thing in the morning, staking out the location, waiting to get the drop on Phil. Who, of course, wouldn’t be there. But maybe she was playing it cool. Maybe she was planning to show up at the last possible second, try to make Phil feel like she didn’t really care, was only half-heartedly playing the game. But she *would* play, he was sure of it.

PHIL

She’s too into her whole detective thing. She won’t be able to resist. She’ll be there. She’ll definitely be there.

[Teleporter sound]

TOM PARIS AND KIRA NERYS

[Convention environment]

[Trek-ish music]

MALLORY – Johanna Bodnyk

I can’t even fucking believe you.

DIMITRI STAMATIS – James Johnston

What?

MALLORY

You could have cosplayed dingle-dork Wesley Crusher. He’s perfect for you.

DIMITRI

It doesn’t work. Everyone assumes you’re being ironic.

MALLORY

I have to give you points for consistency. Even when you cosplay, you cosplay as a scent-wipe.

DIMITRI

Tom Paris isn’t a scent-wipe!

MALLORY

He got himself demoted!

DIMITRI

He was trying to save an ocean world!

MALLORY

He had lizard babies with Captain Janeway, like a creepy Zeus OG fuck-boi!

DIMITRI

THAT…was a deeply misguided episode.

MALLORY

Okay, fine. Why Tom Paris?

DIMITRI

He has a rich inner life, a playful spirit of adventure, and a noble resistance to authoritarianism.

MALLORY

Dimitri. He’s…a doofus.

DIMITRI

Okay, fine, he’s a doofus. But he knows he’s a doofus.

MALLORY

Hey, the Post Meridian Radio Players are doing a gender swap performance of Plato’s Stepchildren in twenty.

DIMITRI

Ooo, sweet.

MALLORY

After that, let’s hunt down Chuck. I know he’s here somewhere.

[Teleporter]

GEORDI LAFORGE AND MAYA STADI

[Convention noise]

OMI OGAWA – Julia Morizawa

Isabelle! Hey Izzy!

ISABELLE

Omi! I’m so glad you’re here!

OMI

Me?! I’m glad you’re here! I was worried you’d go into hiding and just spend months beating yourself up. This is so much better. Exactly what you need.

ISABELLE

I wasn’t sure you’d even pick up the phone, after I ghosted everyone for so long.

OMI

You were a little occupied. We understand.

ISABELLE

That’s an amazing Maya Stadi you’ve got going on there, by the way.

OMI

I’d better, I spent three months putting this together.

ISABELLE

Well, it’s uncanny. You look just like her. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were on Star Trek: Oddysey yourself.

OMI

Oh, hey, I saw that Chuck Octagon dingus wandering around with a cameraman in tow. I expect you’ll want to avoid him.

ISABELLE

Oh, lord yes. Last thing I want today is an ambush interview in my Starfleet Uniform. Hopefully the visor is disguise enough to fool him.

OMI

I’d be surprised if it isn’t.

ISABELLE

Omi…are you sure we’re okay? I know I haven’t been the easiest friend the past few months. Or any kind of friend at all. I got so caught up in what I was doing. Even before Isaiah…before the trouble with Isaiah. I let myself get consumed. I let everything else go.

OMI

Look, Isabelle, I can’t speak for all our friends, but I can tell you how I felt. I felt proud. I felt…astonished. You were doing something important. Something that needed to be done. And yeah, I was sad that you didn’t have time for dinner parties and board game night, and I was super bummed that we didn’t get to watch the Discovery premiere together. But I got it. I was rooting for you. I sure as hell voted for you—and let me just say right now, fuck the bejesus out of anybody who didn’t, those ignorant racist bubblegum-swallowers. Really, Isabelle, I’m sorry you lost. But also—I’m glad that you’re back. I missed you.

ISABELLE

Thank you, Omi.

OMI

So, where to first?

ISABELLE

There’s a full-size replica of the bridge of the Defiant.

OMI

Yeah, let’s go sit in the captain’s chair!

ISABELLE

I…hadn’t really thought about it like that.

OMI

I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.

ISABELLE

No, the thought would have come anyway. At least now I can be prepared for it. But you know what? I think I do need to go sit in that captain’s chair. For just a minute.

[Teleporter]

T’POL AND COMPUTER

[Convention noise]

GEMMA

Any luck?

LOUISA [via earpiece]

I’m scanning the panel discussion audiences. Things are more orderly, since everyone’s in chairs.

TYRELL

Gemma?

GEMMA

T…Tyrell? What the fluff are you doing here?

LOUISA

Wow, you’re just running into people all over.

TYRELL

Oh, I’m the event planner! I had no idea you were into this sort of thing!

GEMMA

Oh, yeah, I’m a real…Trekist.

LOUISA

Trekie

GEMMA

Trekie.

CON-GOER – Colin Kelly

It’s *Trekker.*

GEMMA

Yes, thank you random blue person for that correction.

CON-GOER

Freakin’ normcore.

TYRELL

I assume you heard about everything at ThirdSight.

GEMMA

Oh, I’m all over ThirdSight. And by they way, good on you for walking away before the schnitzel hit the fan. I wouldn’t have guessed you had the nerve.

TYRELL

A lot changed after you left.

GEMMA

So it seems.

TYRELL

I don’t suppose you remember Michael Tate? You hired him just before your…departure. I don’t want to be so presumptuous as to say he’s my friend, but he was kind to me. I’m worried about him.

LOUISA

Who is this guy? He seems sweet.

GEMMA

Oh. Yeah, I know Michael. He helped me out with some stuff. But Michael is…missing. Like, officially.

TYRELL

I know.

GEMMA

He’s a priority, and I’m pursuing a lead. If I find him, I’ll let you know.

TYRELL

Thank you. And…this is more of a long shot, but I don’t suppose you know Michael’s friend Nica?

GEMMA

It’s funny you should ask that. I just met her the other day. She’s…

LOUISA

Confidential

GEMMA

…really something.

TYRELL

I have something of hers. I asked Chuck Octagon for help, but he didn’t take me very seriously.

LOUISA

I can get it to her, whatever it is.

GEMMA

Do you want me to pass it along? I know a friend of hers.

TYRELL

I…would like to deliver it myself, actually. I owe her a thank you.

GEMMA

Really? Her?

LOUISA

Hey, now…

TYRELL

She saved my life.

GEMMA

On purpose?

TYRELL

Well…no. She doesn’t even know she did it.

GEMMA

That makes more sense.

LOUISA

You’re just being mean.

TYRELL

If you could just pass word along to her that I’d like to meet, I’d really appreciate it.

GEMMA

Sure thing.

TYRELL

I owe you a conversation too, actually. Now isn’t the time to go into it, but I owe you an apology. Maybe we could get tea one day and discuss it?

GEMMA

I guess. I don’t know what you’re on about though.

TYRELL

I know. But I’d like to come clean. I think I owe you that.

[Tyrell leaves.]

GEMMA

Okay, Computer, you know I can’t actually answer your questions and pretend I don’t have you in my ear at the same time, right?

LOUISA

I’m new at this! Hey, I’ve got eyes on him! Oh for fuck’s sake. Is he trying to make this easy?

GEMMA

What?

LOUISA

He’s literally on stage right now. In a costume contest. Stupid, of course he’s dressed as Harry Mudd, that’s his favorite.

GEMMA

Seriously? He’s into somebody who’s name is “Harry Mudd?”

LOUISA

We’ve got him. Get our people into position.

GEMMA

Hot damn. Let’s do this.

[Teleporter]

TOM PARIS, KIRA NERYS, AND PAUL STAMETS

[Convention environment]

CHUCK

So let me see if I’ve got this all straight. Real Nica wants nothing to do with you, Fake Nica is desperately trying to find you, but you’re hiding out from Fake Nica, and desperately trying to find real Nica.

DIMITRI

That about sums it up, yup.

MALLORY

Scent Wipe here’s got a complicated life.

DIMITRI

I didn’t used to. If only I’d stuck to Squatching.

CHUCK

Squatching?

MALLORY

Yeah, let’s not fuck that pony, okay? We’ll be here all day.

CHUCK

I’ve met Fake Nica. She seems on the level. Why are you messing with her?

DIMITRI

I’m not. She’s a friend. She’s protecting me from breach of contract by making the show about me. If I can keep the chase going, that works out for her, because the show is good, and she gets to be the star. But if she finds me, then I have to go back. And that’s the last thing I want. At least, not until I can talk to Nica. Real Nica, I mean. My sister. I mean my real sister, not my fake sister from television.

CHUCK

That tracks. But I can’t just give out her number. Journalistic principles and all. I’ll ask her permission, but she may be hard to get ahold of, given the transition she’s in the middle of.

I have to ask—did you really catch D B Cooper?

DIMITRI

I found him. I didn’t catch him, but I solved the mystery.

CHUCK

Wow. That’s the dream, right there.

DIMITRI

I guess. Depending on your line of work.

CHUCK

Oh, I see that other guy who’s looking for your sister.

DIMITRI

What? Where?

CHUCK

Hey Tyrell-ific! You wanted Nica Stamatis. Well, you’re moderately in luck. This is her brother, Dimitri.

TYRELL

What? Dimitri Stamatis?

DIMITRI

That’s me.

TYRELL

It’s addressed to you too.

DIMITRI

What is?

TYRELL

The letter.

MALLORY

Alright Captain Cryptic, maybe you wanna move along with dropping the whole load, instead of expecting us to sit here catching pellets.

TYRELL

I…oh…what, huh?

MALLORY

Spit it out. You can do it.

TYRELL

Right. I have a letter. Addressed to you and Nica. From…Leon.

DIMITRI

You…do? Why? How?

TYRELL

Someone gave it to me because they knew I’d met Nica once.

DIMITRI

But it’s for me?

TYRELL

It’s for both of you.

DIMITRI

Can I…have it?

TYRELL

I hoped to give it to Nica. In person.

DIMITRI

Well, you can give it to me. In person.

TYRELL

You’re not the one who saved my life.

DIMITRI

That’s… Okay, clearly you’ve got a story there. I respect that. But you’ve got a letter for me. From my brother. Who died.

TYRELL

You’re right. I’m sorry. Here, this is it. But when you see her, could you just tell her I said “thank you?”

But I don’t think I should. It’s addressed to both of us. Together. I think…that’s how we have to read it. I can’t leave her out of this.

MALLORY

Okay. Yeah. I think maybe that’s a pretty good decision.

DIMITRI

Thank you.

[Distant cheering]

MALLORY

Let’s go see who won the cosplay contest. If it wasn’t mirror universe Morn, I’m gonna have to punch someone’s dick.

INTERVIEW

CHUCK OCTAGON

Can you tell me one thing that you know about it?

INTERVIEW 1

I know that it’s meant to be in a sort of post-scarcity utopia, and that was a lot of the goal.

INTERVIEW 2

The…the main directive, I think it is?

CHUCK

Prime Directive.

INTERVIEW 2

Prime Directive. That they don’t interfere with, uh, civilizations that aren’t ready for that kind of contact.

INTERVIEW 3

The hopefulness for the future. And the desire to tackle really complicated moral questions. That, like science fiction is not about big explosions for Star Trek.

INTERVIEW 1

I know Kirk and Spock is a thing. [Chuck laughs] It’s like…the first slash pairing ever. The origin of the term slash.

GEORDI LAFORGE AND MAYA STADI

[Convention environment]

[Bridge computer]

[Star Trek sliding door sound.]

OMI

So, that’s the seat of power, huh?

[Door closes]

ISABELLE

Well, *a* seat of power anyway.

OMI

You look good in it.

ISABELLE

I feel good in it.

OMI

Shall I take the helm?

ISABELLE

Yes, Lieutenant. Please do.

OMI

Aye, Captain!

ISABELLE

Lay in a course for Deneb IV, warp factor five.

OMI

Course laid in, Captain.

ISABELLE

Engage.

OMI

[Makes a Star Trek-y warp noise. Noise cuts off.]

ISABELLE

Status report.

OMI

Captain, we appear to have fallen out of warp. Scanners are picking up an anomaly off the starboard side.

ISABELLE

On screen. What do you make of that, Lieutenant? Some sort of barrier?

[Sliding door opens]

OMI

Sensors are reading solid matter, Captain.

TIM RUSS – Tim Russ

Hi. Pardon me.

OMI

Oh holy hell!

[Door closes]

TIM RUSS

I’m sorry to interrupt, but I just had to ask…are you…you’re Isabelle Powell, aren’t you?

ISABELLE

I…

TIM RUSS

I’m sure you were hoping you wouldn’t be recognized. I know how that is. But when I realized it was you, I had to come say hello.

ISABELLE

But you’re Tim Russ! I’m a fan. I mean…of course I’m a fan!

TIM RUSS

I just have to tell you, your campaign was inspirational. You probably don’t think anyone’s paying attention in the rest of the country. But Red Line is such a unique place. And your campaign was like…like a bonfire. It was impossible not to watch. Not to be moved by it.

ISABELLE

For all the good it did.

TIM RUSS

“All the good it did” is a hell of a lot of good, though.

ISABELLE

I lost.

TIM RUSS

Of course you lost. Look at what you were up against! What could you do? Hand over your nephew? It wouldn’t have mattered. If you gave up on his innocence, then you’d have been blamed for his guilt. Either you’re protecting a criminal or you made him one, never mind that he’s innocent.

ISABELLE

He wouldn’t have been in trouble in the first place. Do you see? It’s my fault he became a target. It’s because I ran. It’s because I thought I could be…

TIM RUSS

It’s not your fault people are shitheads.

ISABELLE

It’s my fault Emily Bespin is Mayor. That’s…that’s what I accomplished. Charlotte wasn’t great, but at least she had a sense of decency. What do we have now? George Wallace and a baseball team? I could have left well enough alone.

TIM RUSS

Was “well enough” actually well enough?

ISABELLE

… Well enough is never well enough. Never. But it still would have been better than it is now.

TIM RUSS

Linzer-Coolidge wouldn’t have won either. She had that Chelmsley guy hanging around her neck like an albatross. You think Bespin wouldn’t have strangled her with it?

ISABELLE

She’s the incumbent.

TIM RUSS

She wasn’t elected.

ISABELLE

And she’s…white.

TIM RUSS

That’s an advantage. Her odds were better. But that doesn’t mean they were good.

ISABELLE

So no matter what I did, I was bound to lose?

TIM RUSS

Captain Kirk may not have believed in no-win scenarios, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have to live with them.

ISABELLE

… It’s the Kobayashi-Maru.

TIM RUSS

And what’s the lesson of the Kobayashi-Maru?

ISABELLE

Leadership means coping with loss.

TIM RUSS

What else?

ISABELLE

Even when you can’t win, you still have to try.

TIM RUSS

Exactly. And you did. And you will.

ISABELLE

I’m exhausted.

TIM RUSS

A lot of other people aren’t. People have been watching you. You know how many women of color have announced political runs in the past six months?

[Distant crowd noise gets louder]

ISABELLE

I have no idea.

TIM RUSS

Me either. But it’s more than the six months before that. You’ve done more than you realize. You’ve earned a rest. But you’ll be back at it. Maybe not as mayor, maybe not even as a politician. But you’ll be back.

[Door opens]

CON REP – Sean Kelly

Pardon me, Mr. Russ? I’ve been asked to bring you back to the green room. There’s some commotion on the convention floor, and we want to keep you secure until it’s sorted.

TIM RUSS

Thank you. Ms. Powell, I can bring you back with me, if you want to stay out of the ruckus.

ISABELLE

I think…the ruckus is probably where I ought to be.

TIM RUSS

I thought as much.

ISABELLE

Mr. Russ? Thank you.

TIM RUSS

It was a pleasure meeting you, Ms. Powell.

[Door closes]

OMI

Wow.

ISABELLE

Oh, Omi! I’m so sorry, I hogged that whole conversation. Tim Russ comes over, and I didn’t even let you talk to him!

OMI

It’s fine, Izzy. He wasn’t here to talk to me.

[Teleporter]

HARRY MUDD AND JAMES T KIRK AND T’POL AND COMPUTER AND GEORDI LAFORGE AND PAUL STAMETS AND KIRA NERYS

[Convention environment]

LEON

Phil was pleased. Second place. His best finish yet. And he had to admit, that mirror universe Morn costume had been pretty damn amazing.

PHIL

Next year, though. Next year I’m taking the gold.

LEON

In the meantime, Phil was still waiting to hear from Marlo. Still waiting to hear that his next clue had been passed along to Louisa. She should have been there by now. The riddle wasn’t that hard. Had he underestimated her? No, he was sure he hadn’t. He just had to be patient.

[Beep boop. Phone ringing]

MARLO [on phone]

Hello, Marlo speaking.

PHIL

Marlo, it’s me.

MARLO

Me who?

PHIL

Me…don’t you have me in your contacts?

MARLO

Well I don’t know the answer that question, now do I? If I don’t know who’s calling, how can I know if you’re in my contacts?

PHIL

Because my name would pop up on your screen when I call!

MARLO

Oh, no siree, no names show up on my screen at any time. I’m a very private person, I got all my IDs blocked.

PHIL

That’s not how…nope. Never mind. It’s Phil. “Me” is Phil.

MARLO

Oh, Phil, how ya doing?

PHIL

Do you have any news you would like to relate to me right now, regarding the assignment you are currently on?

MARLO

Oh, I been playing some chess here, seeing as I’m at the tables anyway. I never really played chess before! I mean, I played it, but not since I was a kid, so I know all the rules, like i know how the horsey does the little “L” jump and like that, but I don’t know about strategies or whatnot. Turns out, I got pretty good instincts, seeing as I won three games in a row!

PHIL

So, I’ll take that to mean the person you’re actually waiting for has not turned up yet?

CAPTAIN KIRK – Mike Linden

Excuse me?

MARLO

Not so as I’d noticed. But I’m keeping a real good eye out. I got an eagle eye you know. See stuff from real far away. That’s how I keep winning at chess, using my eagle eye. I mean, not that the chess board is so far away. It’s right here! It’d be weird to be playing chess over here, and then standing way down by the news stand or something. Nope, that wouldn’t work at all. But I got my eagle eye out just the same, only in a metaphorical sense. Like looking at the future! Of the game I mean. Not like…cosmically or nothing like that.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Um, pardon me, sir?

PHIL

Listen, I gotta go.

[Hangs up.]

Hey, man, that’s a pretty good Captain Kirk. Make it yourself?

CAPTAIN

My company employs a full-time costume designer.

[Star Trek theme begins]

PHIL

Cool. I’m more of a DIY cosplayer, but whatever gets you started, right? Were you here last year? You look really familiar.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Are you Philip West?

PHIL

Uh…no. No, I’m…Rene. Rene McCoy.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Rene Mc…yeah, that works.

[Singing]

Rene McCoy,

This song’s for you.

Your name is fake

Your lies are through.

PHIL

Nope. I’m out.

GEMMA

Oh no you don’t. RLPD, asshole. You stay right where you are and enjoy the floor show. You earned it.

PHIL

Fuck.

CAPTAIN KIRK

You tried to lead

Her on a chase

With childish clues

From place to place,

distracting from

Your stellar jaunt,

Like 3D chess

A gamesman’s taunt.

But chess is not

for dimbulb twerps

Or soon to be

imprisoned perps.

Louisa saw

Right through your plan

She solved the case,

She got her man.

Your scheme is foiled

Your plan’s a dud.

Your crimes are done

Your name is… “Mudd.”

[giggles]

And now for your

Miranda rights

You know the drill

Don’t try to fight.

Just raise your arms

You foolish sop,

And hold your tongue

bopummeH qop!

[Music ends]

[Applause]

BopummeH qop means “you’re under arrest.”

PHIL

In Klingon, yeah, I got that.

LOUISA

Long time no see, Phil. How’s things?

PHIL

Louisa! You…you found me. Did you get my letter?

LOUISA

Sure did. We’ve got people taking in your accomplice right now.

PHIL

Aw, don’t do that. He doesn’t know anything. He’s just a guy from Craigslist.

GEMMA

He’s not who you should be worrying about, shit-head.

PHIL

Louisa…I just want you to know…I meant it when I said I missed you.

LOUISA

Aww, Phil. Baby. I know you did. [Blows huge raspberry at him.]

PHIL

Oookay. Can I just go to jail now?

GEMMA

Sure thing, asshole. Take him away boys.

[handcuffs close]

LEON

Wait.

CAPTAIN KIRK

How was that?

LOUISA

Wendell, you couldn’t have been more perfect. Thank you.

LEON

Hold on a second…

WENDELL

Not exactly what I expected from a first date? But interesting. I’m going to go put on different clothes now, though. I’ll see you tonight?

LOUISA

Oh yeah, we are definitely still on for tonight.

LEON

But if Phil goes to jail…

ISABELLE

Gemma? What’s going on?

GEMMA

Isabelle. Good, I was about to come looking for you.

ISABELLE

Who’s…who did you just arrest?

LEON

Who will send groceries to Michael?

GEMMA

Philip West. His fingerprints are all over the cans of baked beans that were planted in your nephew’s bedroom.

I figured. Look, Chuck, we can talk later. Right now I’ve got an arrest to process and paperwork to finish. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. [Clicks her tongue at him]

MALLORY

Hey! Hey Chuck! Chuck-o!

CHUCK

Mallory! Did you see the…?

MALLORY

Fuckin’ -A- I did! Saw the whole trip, from the cosplay awards ceremony, to the bumblefuck g-man team pretending to blend in with the crowd, to the sing-along perp walk. And I can tell you all the fuck about it.

CHUCK

That’s what I like to hear. Camera, you ready? Good. Me and Mallory are going to work.

CREDITS

[Trek music]

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can follow Greater Boston on Twitter @InGreaterBoston or on Tumblr atGreaterBlogston.tumblr.com. Follow us there for news, updates, and behind the scenes chat about the show!

Thank you to supporters Bridge and Rasmus! You to can support us on Patreon at GreaterBoston.Patreon.com!

This episode featured:

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

Jessica Washington as Isabelle Powell

Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer Coolidge

Mario da Rosa as Isaiah Powell

Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon

Marck Harmon as Andy Wood

Arun Sannuti as Tyrell Fredericks

Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge

Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez

Michael Melia as Philip West

Mike Linden as Marlo, Guy, and Wendell

Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory

James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis

Julia Morizawa as Omi Ogawa

With appearances by Colin Kelly as Andorian Cos-Player and Sean Kelly of the delightful comedy podcast Improvised Star Trek as the convention representative.

Okay. So…lest there be any doubt that our phones listen to us when we’re not using them…

BRADEN LAMB

Uh huh…

ALEXANDER

I just opened up, um…Google on my phone, because I’ve never actually looked to see, did Morn actually show up in any of the mirror universe episodes.

BRADEN

Mm-hm.

ALEXANDER

I got as far is M-I-R-R-O and it auto-filled “mirror universe Morn.”

BRADEN

Gaaahhh!

JULIA PROPP[long gross raspberry, descending into laughter, joined by Lydia.]

I spit all over!

ALEXANDER

Yeah, no I’ve accepted that spitting is the price of getting the take I want.

JULIA

It’s disgusting! I just can’t…

JEFF

Well done, though!

ALEXANDER

Okay, I want to do it again.

[more laughter]

JULIALydia, go to the side, I just don’t want to get you wet. God.

JEFF

Do you need an umbrella?

JULIA

Okay.

LYDIAAlright.

JULIAAw, Phil, baby, I know you did. [Deep breath, long raspberry]

[more laughter]

JULIA

That’s the grossest thing.

ALEXANDER

Oh yeah!

CONTENT NOTES

Strong Language

Reference to “Bury Your Gays” trope

Reference to that episode of Voyager where Paris and Janeway are transformed into lizards and then have lizard sex resulting in lizard babies, what the hell was even up with that?

Discussion of systemic racism

Singing, briefly in Klingon

Police arrest

Brief crossing of personal boundaries

]]>alexandercpdannerEpisode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizationshttps://greaterbostonshow.com/2019/01/29/episode-32-to-seek-out-new-life-and-new-civilizations/
Tue, 29 Jan 2019 07:30:19 +0000http://greaterbostonshow.com/?p=1921Continue reading Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations→]]>http://traffic.libsyn.com/greaterboston/Episode_32_Draft_3.mp3

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can follow Greater Boston on Twitter @InGreaterBoston or on Tumblr at GreaterBlogston.tumblr.com. Follow us there for news, updates, and behind the scenes chat about the show!

Thank you to supporters Bridge and Rasmus! You to can support us on Patreon at GreaterBoston.Patreon.com!

This episode featured:

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

Jessica Washington as Isabelle Powell

Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer Coolidge

Mario da Rosa as Isaiah Powell

Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon

Marck Harmon as Andy Wood

Arun Sannuti as Tyrell Fredericks

Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge

Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez

Michael Melia as Philip West

Mike Linden as Marlo, Guy, and Wendell

Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory

James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis

Julia Morizawa as Omi Ogawa

With appearances by Colin Kelly as Andorian Cos-Player and Sean Kelly of the delightful comedy podcast Improvised Star Trek as the convention representative.

Hey everyone! In just a few days after the release of this episode, we’ll be appearing at PodCon 2 in Seattle, from January 18th to 20th. And we’ll have a creator table there as well, so come on by and say hello! We’ll have t-shirts and posters and other merch, including some exclusive items we’ll only be selling at PodCon. And guess what? Two weeks from today, we’re back from our hiatus with our next full-length season 3 episode. Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations. Beam up on January 29th, and be ready for some surprises, including a brand new cast member we’re super excited about.

[Drums & Guinea pigs]

This week in Greater Boston: Seriously, What’s the Fucking Deal with the Guinea Pigs? Part 3.

OLIVER

So there we were, Norbert and I. One-time arsonists, on the brink of greater criminal endeavors.

LEON

You’ve left something out, haven’t you?

OLIVER

I quickly became adept at picking locks, while Norbert studied the techniques for defeating electronic security systems.

LEON

You left all of your father’s belongings in the house to burn.

OLIVER

Breaking and entering became our vocation.

LEON

But his guinea pig cages and feeders and paraphernalia are still sitting in your old hideout.

OLIVER

Petty theft our primary income.

LEON

You never told Norbert, but you went back for it, for all that useless equipment. Why that? Of everything you could have kept as a memento, why choose such useless and tainted junk?

OLIVER

The great difficulty in certain types of crime is not in the theft, but in the liquidation. It’s easy to dispose of a gold watch or a functional stereo for quick cash. But Norbert and I had more refined tastes. We aspired to respectability, even if only a more respectable sort of crime. Several of the homes we invaded contained works of art. Valuable cultural artifacts. It was toward these items that our eyes were drawn.

We have our father to thank for our early success. Over the years, he had been conned by all sorts of grifters and hucksters. Exactly the sort of people who know where to find a good fence. A guy who knows a guy, as it were. Those sorts of people have specializations, you see. But there is always someone who knows how to turn a purloined Picasso into cash on hand.

Thus we funded our education and cared for our families. Our greatest score came in 1990. It was a simple plan. The most effective generally are. We acquired police uniforms , then simply walked up to our target, told the night watchmen that we were responding to a silent alarm, and allowed the guards themselves to escort us past locked doors and motion detectors. Once inside, we drew our weapons, restrained the guards, and went about our evening’s business. That one haul alone was sufficient to launch my media empire.

LEON

The bits you sold, anyway. But you kept trophies from that job, didn’t you? Pieces too fine to part with. Did your brother know? He didn’t, did he? About that, or about the secret hideouts you’d claimed, hidden networks of forgotten rooms and mysterious tube systems, abandoned by the your criminal forebears. You kept all that to yourself, didn’t you?

OLIVER

We were quite comfortable by the time we saw our father again. We found him one evening, in downtown Boston, asleep in the doorway of a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Norbert slipped a dollar into his pocket. I chose otherwise.

LEON

You kicked him in the shin.

OLIVER

That night, Norbert and I made a pact—we were done with crime. We sealed our agreement over half a bottle of Scotch. Forty-five minutes later, we found ourselves amidst the glass flower display at the Harvard Museum of Natural History. I can’t recall which of us proposed it…

LEON

You did.

OLIVER

…but there we were, on an impulse, with no plan, no escape route, no means to transport the fragile targets of our crime.

We’d tripped an alarm, of course. Escape seemed unlikely, so we settled on evasion. I hid inside the skull of a triceratops. I don’t know where Norbert chose to hide.

LEON

It was a geode. He turned it over on top of himself, hoping to hide in the cavity. But it wasn’t big enough, and he got pinned under it, his legs protruding like the witch’s beneath Dorothy’s house.

OLIVER

He was captured and arrested. I remained hidden until the museum reopened in the morning.

They matched Norbert’s fingerprints to a half dozen of our earlier transgressions. Not even the good ones. We were more skilled by then, more inclined toward wearing gloves. But all the toasters and televisions and shopping mall diamonds suddenly took their toll.

On his way to prison, Norbert only asked one thing of me.

NORBERT

Oliver, there’s one thing you have to do for me.

PAST OLIVER

Of course, Norbert. You need but ask.

NORBERT

Come on, Oliver. Don’t do that thing with your voice. Not with me. Not now.

PAST OLIVER

[Drops affectation.] I’m…I’m sorry. I just…

NORBERT

I know. I get it. But I want to talk to my brother. Not the would-be mastermind.

PAST OLIVER

What do you need, Norbert? You know I’ll do it, whatever it is.

NORBERT

I fucked up. Just like Dad. I never wanted that for Philip. I didn’t want him to see me this way.

PAST OLIVER

You’re nothing like Dad. You gave your son a home. A life! Dad never accomplished anything. Never gave us anything.

NORBERT

Someone needs to be a father to him while I’m gone, and it has to be you.

PAST OLIVER

Of course, Norbert. But you won’t be gone long.

NORBERT

Five years is a long time for a kid, Oliver. A long time to not have a father.

PAST OLIVER

It won’t be as long as that. You’re not a troublemaker. You’ll keep your head down, stay clean, and you’ll get parole. Nobody wants to keep you there forever. You’ll see. You’ll be back in no time.

NORBERT

Maybe. I hope so. But all the same, watch out for him. Stick to the plan. Go straight. Give him a better life.

PAST OLIVER

Of course, Norbert. I’ll give him the best life I know how.

OLIVER

[Present] Norbert’s five years turned into a life sentence rather abruptly. Not even a year into his time. Heart disease. He dropped dead mid-transaction while purchasing a packet of instant ramen from the prison commissary.

I have carried that responsibility ever since. The care of my nephew. The ensuring of his future. I thought I could teach him success. Achievement. Like Norbert wanted. But now he’s in hiding, in some squalid apartment, imperiled by the role he played in my own dubious scheming.

[Oliver’s affectation slips.]

I sometimes worry I have not done so very well.

LEON

Ya think?

OLIVER [Resumes affectation]

But it will all come out well in the end. Success is a series of ebbs and flows, advances and retreats. Check is not checkmate. I still have my queen on the board. Emily Bespin. She is still my piece to play. My strategy resides in the long game, as it always has. I can see through the chaos of circumstance to the intricate order I have orchestrated.

Philip is in no true danger. Norbert would understand. I have safeguards in place. Contingencies. Norbert would trust my plan, because he knew, my plans always work. Always come together in the end. You’ll see. Ada, Philip and I? We’ll all be taken care of.

Just as Norbert wanted.

CREDITS

JEFF VAN DREASON

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode featured:

Mike Linden as Oliver West

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

And guest starring Jamie Price as Norbert West

Drums by Jim Johanson.

Want to hear more of Jamie’s wonderful voice acting? You can find them in the wonderful drama, The Strange Case of Starship Iris, as well as in What’s the Frequency? Go listen!

Full episode of Greater Boston return on January 29th, with episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations. You don’t want to miss it!

COOKIE

JEFF VAN DREASON

Is that good enough for those?

ALEXANDER DANNERYeah. Yeah, you don’t need to do those again.

JEFF

And I’m not doing the minis, right? We don’t do those?

ALEXANDERUhh…no, I guess we don’t do we?

JEFFShould I do it, just because it’s got such a great title?

ALEXANDERYes.

JEFFAlright. What do I say, though? This week in Greater Boston, Seriously, fff…what’s the fucking deal with the guinea pigs?

ALEXANDER

[Giggles] Yeah!

JEFF

Alright.

This week in Greater Boston: Seriously, What’s the Fucking Deal with the Guinea Pigs? Part 1.

[long pause]

Both break out in hysterical laughter.

JEFFOh yeah.

ALEXANDERI was not even expecting that!

JEFF

Well, yeah, I gotta do the “part 1!”

ALEXANDERI know you do, but [indecipherable] that just made it so much more ridiculous!

JEFF

Of course it does! It’s three parts! Of “what’s the fuckin’ deal with the guinea pigs!”

[both crack up again]

Now we have to title that…I mean we’re definitely keeping that now.

ALEXANDERYeah.

JEFFI like that there’s a narrative there. Like, that I’m getting more annoyed.

ALEXANDER

I know, tell me already!

JEFFWill you just explain it, Oliver? For Christs’ sakes, why is this three parts?

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode featured:

Mike Linden as Oliver West

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

And guest starring Jamie Price as Norbert West

Drums by Jim Johanson.

Want to hear more of Jamie’s wonderful voice acting? You can find them in the wonderful drama, The Strange Case of Starship Iris, as well as in What’s the Frequency? Go listen!

Hey, everyone! Just a reminder that in just two weeks, Alexander and I will be appearing at PodCon 2 in Seattle, from January 18th to the 20th, and we’ll have a creator table there as well. So come on by and say hello! We’ll have t-shirts, posters, and other merch there as well, including some exclusive items we’ll only be selling at PodCon.

[Drums and Guinea Pigs]

This week in Greater Boston: Seriously, What’s the Fucking Deal with the Guinea Pigs? Part 2

OLIVER

Now, where was I?

LEON

You were describing how you’re an exemplary father to the son you never see and the nephew you’ve entangled in a web of crime.

OLIVER

Ah, yes, I was explaining how my father’s ineptitude destroyed our family. Norbert was always more forgiving than I. He insisted that our father couldn’t help who he was. How gullible and impulsive. It might not have been so damaging if he had only stuck to exploitive sales outfits. At least that was actual work, for which he could occasionally earn a real paycheck.

But our father was something of a schemer, you see. In the sense that he routinely pursued hare-brained get-rich-quick schemes. Every investment pyramid scheme, or sure bet gambling tip, or hot dotcom penny stock captured his interest. He bought stock in Etoys, Pets.com, PhilosopherHotline.com, all those brief beacons of the early internet.

He failed to see the coming bust. Even as their value fell, he remained steadfast, certain they would weather the storm, rebound, come back bigger than ever. And speaking of weather, there was his investment in Enron and its “weather trading” platform, whatever the blazes that was supposed to mean.

And then came the final act. His “hail Mary,” as it were.

LEON

That breeding equipment in your old hideout…

OLIVER

He decided to invest in a perennial commodity, something that has no boom and bust, but steady incremental growth: livestock. He found an opportunity to purchase two dozen breeding-age pigs. He boasted of the suspiciously low price he negotiated, a number that exactly matched the last of his liquid assets. His boasting ended when the creatures arrived at our home: the pigs were, in fact, guinea pigs. I can’t even claim that my father was swindled. The paperwork clearly named the animals as “guinea pigs.”

MR. WEST

How was I supposed to know that guinea pigs aren’t actually pigs?

LEON

What? Where’d he come from? Oh, I see—a flashback.

YOUNG OLIVER

You should have asked!

MR WEST

Well, I know that *now.*

YOUNG OLIVER

What would you have even done with two dozen actual pigs?

MR WEST

There’s the spare bedroom.

YOUNG OLIVER

Do you even know how big pigs are? They wouldn’t have fit in the spare bedroom. They wouldn’t have fit in the *house.*

MR WEST

Well, then it’s a lucky thing we got these little guys, isn’t it? Trust me, this is going to work out. Look how cute these things are–we’ll sell a million of ‘em! We’ll get you and your brother set up right, like you deserve, like I’ve always wanted. You won’t have to worry anymore. None of us will. We’ll all be taken care of.

[Guinea Pig squealing multiplies over the course of Oliver’s next speech.

OLIVER

As promised, the guinea pigs were all of breeding age, and quite fruitfully so. Two dozen became ten dozen in a matter of weeks, and multiplied exponentially from there. We three found ourselves living amidst an undulating carpet through which we carefully shuffled.

And oh, the noise that pervaded every waking moment of our lives. Guinea pigs are not loud creatures. Individually. En masse, however, they produce a constant squeal, a perpetual background refrain of disconsolate rodents. The unremitting refrain of my father’s failure.

LEON

Oh. That’s it. That’s the sound. The one I always hear in your head.

OLIVER

Father tried to make the best of it, pitching his stock to every pet store in a hundred mile radius. He placed ads, “guinea pigs for sale” in every local newspaper. He sold some. A few dozen. Not enough to recoup the cost of feeding the little beasts, who ate through hundreds of pounds of food pellets each week, before moving on to the furniture, the walls, anything they could reach.

Norbert and I moved out. We had nowhere to go, but we spent considerable time in libraries, museums, galleries, anyplace that wouldn’t question two relatively quiet and studious boys who kept to themselves. They need not know we were voluntarily homeless. Two months passed before we conceded that we ought to inquire into our father’s welfare.

He wasn’t at the house. We found an envelope nailed to the door with our names on it.

MR. WEST

Dear Clive and Lewis…

[Guinea Pigs fade out. Slow drums.]

OLIVER

Our names were not yet Oliver and Norbert at the time…

LEON

I gathered that.

MR. WEST

I am so very sorry for what our lives have become. I always hoped I would be a good provider for you both. I tried my best, but no matter how I try to make your lives better, I only leave you worse off. All I can ever do is fail you. I know the best thing I can do to take care of you is to save you from taking care of me. So I’m just going to go. The house is yours. Do what you want with it. I won’t be back.

[Regular drums return.]

OLIVER

He kept his word on that.

Inside the house, we found the guinea pigs still there. But father had been gone for weeks, and no one remained to care for them, to feed them. I won’t describe the scene—I am not that sort of storyteller.

LEON

Oh…oh god. Please stop thinking about that, I can see your thoughts!

OLIVER

I will say only that it was unpleasant, and allow that to suffice.

We saw no point in trying to salvage the house. Instead, Norbert found a floor lamp whose cord had been chewed down to exposed wiring by the guinea pigs. He turned it on, and we walked away to await the cleansing fire. Later, we forged our father’s signature on the insurance forms and collected the payout; thus began our criminal exploits.

CREDITS

JEFF VAN DREASON

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode featured:

Mike Linden as Oliver West

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

And guest starring Brad C. Wilcox as Mr. West.

Drums by Jim Johanson.

You can hear more of Brad’s wonderful voice work on What’s the Frequency?, the surreal noir audio drama written by our own James Oliva and designed by Alexander.

COOKIE

MIKE LINDEN [As Oliver West]

…in the sense that he routinely pursued harebrained…hem hyem hyeam. Hyeahehehyeaheheheheheha. But you must understand, that at this moment…I have stoped reading the words on the page. And made up my own.

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode featured:

Mike Linden as Oliver West

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

And guest starring Brad C. Wilcox as Mr. West.

Drums by Jim Johanson.

You can hear more of Brad’s wonderful voice work on What’s the Frequency?, the surreal noir audio drama written by our own James Oliva and designed by Alexander.

Hey everyone! Happy one-month till PodCon 2! I mean, assuming that you’re listening to this on the day it comes out. If not, then it could be three weeks or two days or, you know, it could’ve already happened. Whatever. I guess the larger point is, don’t use your podcast like a calendar! In any event, I wanted to let you know that Alexander and I will be appearing at PodCon 2 in Seattle from January 18th to the 20th, and we’ll have a creator table there as well, so come on by and say hello! And we’ll have t-shirts, posters, and other merch for sale, including some exclusive items we’ll only be selling at PodCon. Hope to see you there!

[Slow drums and guinea pigs squealing.]

JEFF VAN DREASON

This week in Greater Boston: Seriously, What’s the F***ing Deal with the Guinea Pigs? Part 1

LEON

The Lottery had ended in disaster. Autumn had filed for divorce. In a moment of desperation, Oliver had kidnapped a man, and very nearly killed him! The rain of incomprehensible pneumatic messages on the night of the election proved that hadn’t gone exactly as planned. Tate was still alive, though seemingly not in his right mind.

He supposed he should be angry with Phil about that—for defying, or at least, willfully misinterpreting Oliver’s instructions. Tate was a problem. A witness. Another failure in a string of failures.

But still…he felt some relief at not adding “murder” to his criminalis vitae. Or Phil’s.

Oh, now you feel bad about it, do you? I hope you don’t think failing absolves you of having tried.

Ahem. ThirdSight, his one solid bit of empire, was completely lost. He had been chased out of Wonderland, now finding himself holed up at Wonderland with a robot-building lunatic. His whole plan for Bespin had been co-opted by these strange people, this “Legion,” but for their own reasons. What reasons? And now… now…

OLIVER

You must believe events are favoring you, don’t you Mr. Stamatis?

LEON

… Me?

OLIVER

Despite the valuable asset I still possess–my victorious mayor, who owes everything to me. You believe you’ve seen me at my nadir–and perhaps that is true. But you must understand that this moment is the prelude to glory. To conquest. I own the mayor, Mr. Stamaits. And through her, I own the city.

LEON

I doubt she sees it that way.

OLIVER

I may not be able to hear you, Mr. Stamatis, but I have sense enough to know when you are near. And I know you well enough to anticipate your thoughts.

LEON

You don’t know me.

[Phone rings.]

OLIVER

Excuse me a moment, if you will. [Into phone.] Philip.

PHIL

Hey, Uncle Ollie. Just thought I’d check in and see how you’re doing.

OLIVER

Ah, I thought you might be calling to congratulate me.

PHIL

On what?

OLIVER

On what?! On the election, Philip. You are aware that Emily was victorious?

PHIL

Aw, you know me, Uncle Ollie. I don’t really follow politics.

OLIVER

Yes. Well. In any case, you’ve no need for concern as to my well-being. Circumstances are correcting course swimmingly. With Emily now in place, our path back into the halls of power will be illuminated shortly. It is just a matter of patience.

PHIL

Well, I’m glad you’re not alone at least.

OLIVER

I rather wish I were, to be perfectly candid. This Ethan fellow is a bit eccentric.

PHIL

Eccentric. Sure.

OLIVER

And how are you faring in your own tactical hermitage?

PHIL

I mean, you know. It’s hard. I’m mostly just rewatching all of Star Trek from the beginning. Just finished Voyager and started in on Hidden Frontier. But I miss…you know. People.

OLIVER

People are contentious things. You’re as well off without them as with.

PHIL

Suuuure.

OLIVER

Speaking of people we’d be as well off without–I couldn’t help noticing that Michael Tate appears to be in good health and enjoying his access to the pneumatic tubes.

PHIL

Right. I’ve been…um. Taking care of him. Like you said.

OLIVER

Yes. I suppose I did say that, didn’t I? Well. I just want to be clear that…I appreciate the initiative you took in interpreting my orders. Your decision was sound.

PHIL

I’m glad to hear that, Uncle Ollie. I really am. So, while you’re deciding not to be mad at me for my decisions, I should tell you that I spoke to Aunt Autumn.

OLIVER

That’s rather unwise at this time, Philip.

PHIL

And she said you haven’t been in touch at all. Not even a letter in the tubes. And I get why you don’t want to talk to Aunt Autumn right now, but Ada still wants to hear from you. I know what that means to him, Uncle Ollie. You can’t let that go.

OLIVER

I appreciate the assistance you have given me in my many endeavors, Philip. I’m uncertain that I’ve sufficiently expressed my gratitude for your efforts and your companionship.

PHIL

You’re family, Uncle Ollie.

OLIVER

I understand that the prudent reclusivity that our current circumstances necessitate don’t suit your usual proclivities. But this will pass, I assure you. With our newfound influence over the municipal seat of power, we will be able to redirect investigations into the lottery to our benefit. Just as soon as the mayoral transition is complete.

I will ensure your wellbeing, Philip. I hope that is clear. I will not allow you to come to harm.

PHIL

I know, Uncle Ollie.

OLIVER

And toward that end, I really ought to return to my nefarious scheming. But please…remain cautious and concealed.

PHIL

I will. Talk to you later, Uncle Ollie.

[End call.]

LEON

He sounds happy.

OLIVER

The faith my nephew has in me is quite moving. Wouldn’t you agree?

LEON

No.

OLIVER

He understands that there is a process. That I have my ways of turning dire circumstances to my advantage. It’s time I allowed you to know me a little better. So that you will understand the magnitude of my perseverance. My capacity to overcome adversity. Shall I tell you my story?

LEON

I don’t see how I could stop you.

OLIVER

I wasn’t always the portrait of success you saw when we first met. I grew up in a modest house, sharing a bedroom with my brother, Norbert.

LEON

You don’t need to tell me. As soon as you think about it, I know it. I could tell it myself. That’s basically my job.

OLIVER

You wouldn’t know Norbert. He departed this mortal coil quite some years ago. But we’ll come to that.

LEON

Okay, fine.

OLIVER

I didn’t resent the humility of our home at the time, but worried that even that small domicile might be only temporary. I did not achieve my wealth through inheritance. I could have. My grandparents did quite well for themselves.

My father’s relationship with success, however, could best be described as “mutually exclusive.”

He spent one year as a door-to-door salesmen for a knife company that required salesmen to purchase any stock they couldn’t sell. Confident that he could easily sell 100 knife sets in a year, he filled our back closet with his stock. He sold 14.

The company had a unique bonus system—the top salesman each week had a chance to take home a hundred dollar bill. The bill was taped to the ceiling. All you had to do was leap high enough to pull it down. My father spoke so enviously of the men he watched fruitlessly jumping up and down while their employer laughed and cheered them on. He was eager for his chance to try.

Norbert and I spent our teen years watching our father burn his way through the last of our grandparents’ money. We squirreled away what we could, stealing cash from Father’s pockets while he slept, to supplement our own meager retail incomes.

We swore we would never leave our own children in such desperation. So degraded as to pickpocket their own fathers just to buy a can of beans, a loaf of bread. And they have not. Neither Ada nor Philip have ever known a day of hunger, a day of worry for the provenance of their meal. But Norbert…Norbert is gone. My brother and companion. And so it falls to me to assure the wellbeing of both our sons. That is what I have done.

That is what I am doing.

[Background continues for a bit, then guinea pigs fade out]

CREDITS

JEFF VAN DREASON

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode featured:

Mike Linden as Oliver West

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

and Michael Melia as Philip West

Drums by Jim Johanson

[Drums fade out]

COOKIE

MICHAEL MELIA

Okay, so you need to always refer to him as “Uncle Ollie.”

[laughs]

JEFF

Alexander does this thing, and I’ve pointed it out to him before, where he has everybody use their names a lot, and I’ve been like “you know people don’t always do that?”

We hope you’re enjoying Greater Boston as much as we enjoy making it. With the new Year coming, we hope you will consider helping us to keep making Greater Boston, by contributing to our Patreon, if you’re able. These funds help us to pay our amazing actors and musicians, to upgrade our equipment, and to keep the show sustainable. Even as little as $1 a month is a tremendous help. And in exchange, you can get great rewards, like early access to every episode, Discord voice chats with the creators, and even a monthly tour of one of the stops in Red Line. And if you can’t donate, you can still help us out, but telling a friend about Greater Boston!

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.