ET Bone Home

This toy is oddly shaped and awkward to use. It is tough to use as a clitoris stimulator, and odd to use internally. It is relatively quiet and waterproof, so you can use it everywhere. But the Pulse Probe brings so little to the table that I am not sure why you would want to use it anywhere.

I would not recommend this for beginners or first time buyers. If you know what you are getting into, more power to you and I wish you the best of luck.

Published:
April 24, 2012

Pros:

Cheap and waterproof. It is also alien themed, if you are into that.

Cons:

Weak, oddly shaped, doesn't excel in any areas. It is also alien themed, if you aren't into that.

It was easy to write all the other sections of this review, but the 'use' section stumped me. The toy is pretty large and awkward, and doesn't really excel in any area.

The toy was designed for internal use. The vibrations were near the base and so shook right where I am most sensitive while the probe filled me up further down. The ball on the end gave interesting drag. The feeling was interesting and different, but didn't do it for me.

I would definitely recommend other toys for external use as the vibrations at the head are weak and it is strange trying to press the side against the clit. This is how I eventually managed to come, though, so don't completely write it off.

Anal use is possible as the toy is silicone, but you have to be careful as the toy is thick but doesn't have a flared base. This gift would be a good gag gift! See the sections on design and function for more info.

The Pulse Probe was made from a soft pink silicone. Important note: This means don't use silicone lubricant. It can cause the toy to melt inside your vagina. That was a horrifying sentence to type, and I am sure it is a worse one to experience. The toy had a faint smell to it, but this dissipated by the time I got around to using it. I highly recommend giving it a good wash before use. It accumulates dust very rapidly. I used it soon after opening, and my vagina had an odd rubbery sensation afterward. This might not be the company's fault, but I wonder if there was some residual dust from manufacturing, or if it accumulated debris on its short journey into my crotch. Take this with a grain of salt, though; my boyfriend had been gone for a while and my vagina always behaves strangely after getting more use than normal.

The design of this product was a little off-putting. I didn't make the title of this review "ET Bone Home" just for a cheap laugh. (Ahw, who am I kidding. Of course I did.) I now can imagine what it must be like to have been fucked by an alien!

First, this toy is deceptive in its girth from the pictures on the website. I was shocked by the size. See my picture comparing the head to a quarter to see what I mean. I have a thick boyfriend, but I was still scared to try this one out.

Secondly, the large head is... strange. It gives a neat *pop* when it comes out, but it isn't worth the awkward out-of-place-ness that it adds to the toy. Insertion is also difficult due to its large domed nature. The connection between the base of the ball and the rest seemed flimsy, but I don't think I will be using the toy long enough to test if this will start to rip.

Lastly, the toy is covered in an odd texture. This provided little in the way of stimulation, but did give a great place for dust to hide. If you have a pink alien fetish - no judge zone - the texture does add to the alienesque feel.

On the plus side, when my boyfriend's redneck family tells abduction stories by the campfire, now I will have my own.

The Pulse Probe is controlled with a turn knob at the bottom, where the battery sled comes out. The sled was a little loose, but you could turn the knob with no fear of the batteries falling out. When you adjust the knob, there is a slight but noticeable delay until the vibrations change. My engineer boyfriend muttered something about analog circuits and capacitors when I told him this and then wandered away.

The vibrations start at the base and all but dissipate by the time they get to the head. If you place your finger on the tip of the head, you can barely discern movement. This makes external use difficult. You have to grind against the side and hope for the best.

The toy was moderately noisy but not loud. I left it under a blanket and checked outside the room and I couldn't hear anything. Waterproofing is always fun. I never got around to masturbating with the Pulse Probe underwater - I prefer my bullet for that - but I did submerge it in a sink and the toy worked just fine.

The toy is silicone and waterproof. This makes for easy cleanup. Simply run under warm water and vigorously apply soap. If you are living up the bachelor lifestyle, throw it in your dishwasher. (Editor's note: Because this is an electronic toy, please do not place in a dishwasher or it will get damaged.)

Storage is a bit more of a problem. This thing is a dust magnet! I threw it in my sex toy box, and regretted it next time I pulled it out with dust subtly speckled on it. As mentioned above, do not use silicone lube with this toy. It will cause unhappy times.

The packaging was nothing more than a cheap plastic box. The box opened with snaps instead of any form of airtight seal, which I found disconcerting. This added to the seedy and cheap feel of the toy. I wouldn't buy or not buy a toy based on the packaging, but I did find it to be a slight turnoff.

Minimal

Follow-up commentaryI still don't like it10 months after original review

The pulse remains at the bottom of my drawer. I gave it a few more tries, but there are so many better vibrators on the market; just choose one of those. Quality over quantity, people.

This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the
FTC guidelines.