CarnEvil

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

If there could be one momentwhere you didn't cross my mindI think I'd live forever in itand leave the rest behindcause I don't thinknow, I truly knowthat mark you left upon meis a scar that runs real rawand no matter how I try to fade youfrom the corners of my heartI can't seem to dull the rougher edgesto make your memory less sharpand it's times just like these dreary dayswhere once you'd be the oneto hold my head tight in your armswhile I cried out all the painbut you are just a memoryone that refuses to waneand my own arms are my only comfortand no tear is cried in vaincause I don't believe I've really weptsince last I saw your facebut I'd really like to mend that nowand let every single tear cry outso I can breathe in the fresher airwithout the blur of you that lingers there

note:-----i tried to close it once and for all todayi just wanted to tell her that i was wrongwe could be the friends that we werei called her she didn't pick upshe messaged me"i don't want 2 talk to u.plz don't call me or msg me..."i don't even know what i did wrong..i loved her 100% and what i get???i like to blame myself for everything ..but really don't know what was my fault.

now i really want to changeVikram-nice guy = whatever that is good and doesn't hurt.

i am going to change ...i don't believe in true love anymore...these romantic films gave me unrealistic expectations about love..so stupid i was,...would try to never be again...this was an experience ..and not only i regret it but i cherish it too..

Sunday, February 15, 2009

i just couldn't stop myself.I had to call her today.I got the news that her old number is still working from my friend Akhil.I was with my sister at that time.I told her i want to talk to her...She asked me bro why do u want to do this?what would you get by calling her.i said tomorrow i don't want to think that i should have called her today.So we decided on sending an SMS.i sent an SMS..but it remained pending.So i walked out of the room and called her....she was on another call so i waited...it kept on ringing till the connection was timed out i.e. my cell displayed no answer.I called again..again busy...after 6 bells she picked up..me:helloshe:hellome: hi ******** vicky bol raha hoon(hi ******** vicky speaking)she: hime:happy valentine's day to youshe:thank youme:where have u been ,no news nothing,haven't been in touchshe:i am in Lucknow doing my trainingme:in lucknow...in TCS??she: nome:what platformshe:.netme:so you are going in that stream nowshe:when ur call came i was on other call from home.They are on hold.we will talk later.me:ok bye

call disconnected

i was nervous by that time,couldn't breathe properly.Maybe it's my weak heart.anyways i went into the room and whispered into my sister's ear..y do i get so nervous when i talk to her..?but we weren't alone so couldn't talk.anyways i didn't call her again.I felt like i was shot again,i thought and i am still thinking why am i doing this to myself and still i'm looking to never give her up.Why?Why?why? i can't find an answer.i am feeling like a neglected fruit.i called up sheetal(our common friend) when i reached home and asked y didn't u tell me she's in lucknow..she said,it was not a big thing ..and i thought it wasn't important.I think of sheetal as my sis and she cares for me,scolds me too.she said i don't know why are you doing this brother...she doesn't care about you.Y do u care for her so much.Don't think so much about her.Please concentrate on your studies and career.i want to see u at the place where you should be.she also told me that whenever she talks to her she can't talk about me and whenever she talks to me she can't talk about her. "what happened to our friend circle bro.It's not the same anymore.You keep focus on your career and don't think too much."

then i called Akhil ..and told him about the conversation(if it was one),i asked him how long did she talked to you(he had called her earlier.He told me that at first his call was on waiting too.but then she talked with him as they used to do normally in college and they talked for 11 minutes or so.She also told him that there was some problem at home so she was busy talking to them when his call was on waiting.

but she did talk to him for 11 minutes and me..not even a minute.She wasn't her normal self with me as the last time.or maybe she really was on hold with call from home and didn't have the time to talk with me...but then she could've given me a missed call afterwards.

i have been upset after that ..came to room and my friends asked waht's wrong buddy?i said nothing me good guys.but they knew and they know that me not the same that i am usually.anyways i didn't talk about anything.

i called my friend Anshu who lives in delhi and talked to him.He was like "why are u feeling low bro,you should be happy that u talked to her..that's what you wanted,Right??.You should be proud of your love for her.Have faith in your love."I was so not getting these words.I am feeling like someone who's been shot again and again and still wants to get shot.Doomed by love.It's that i am not able to understand why she's doing this...i had to blurt it all out here.i know all of you will say...move on.But guys i just can't,i have tried but i can't and why..i really don't know.

maybe i am a foolish onewho ate the forbidden applelike a hole in the nightto dead to fightold metal in the dustleft to rustbelievingin happy endingsand bullshitand nonsenseand poetryand loveWTF!!

the callstill hurts my earsliving the fearsholding my tearsdon't want to speakmy heart beat is bleakit still pumps buti can't breatheeven a smile is a burden now