Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Shidduchim – The View from the Other Side

I received an e-mail from young man who asked to be
identified only by his initials, JS. He otherwise prefers to remain anonymous.
Considering the sensitive nature of his post I have agreed. His letter follows.

Dear Rabbi Maryles,

We have been in touch in the past. While rarely commenting,
I have been an avid reader of your blog since the last 4 years.

As a frum Jew, the frum world has disappointed me again with
the age gap theory. I am a 25 year old male, and it drives me crazy to hear
things presented as if only girls have a hard time in shidduchim.

In the last 2 years, I have gone out only 5 times. Truth to
be told, I don't buy it that nice guys are in short supply or that it is an age
gap problem.

Do you think that if people were told that it is because of
corrupt values and lack of meeting opportunities that we have a shidduch
crisis? No way!

Hint: what happened to mixed seated weddings and kiddushim
that used to be common 40 years ago? And why on earth is it so wrong to ask a
girl out after having met her at a kiddush (whether directly or asking a mutual
friend). Yet dating in a hotel for hours is ok (I am sure you are aware that
rooms can be booked to fool around and it DOES happen)????

The reason I write to you this email is to give a voice to
the men aged 18-30 who have no voice at all in this so called shidduch
crisis.

This letter was obviously written out of a sense of frustration
at what he believes are flaws in the Shidduch system.

As I have said before many times, the dating game in the
Charedi world has evolved into something untenable as evidenced by the massive
numbers of young women who have little to no chance of getting married once
they reach the age of 25.

But as JS points out, it is not the one way street as
is commonly believed. It isn’t only young women who aren’t getting a lot of
dates. There are plenty of men who fall into that category. I know some very fine Charedi men who are still not
married well into their 40s. And it’s not for a lack of trying. It is because
they do not measure up to the ideal mate that young Charedi women are indoctrinated
to seek: The full time learner. While being Charedi in every other sense these young men have opted to prepare for and join the workforce. They set aside time for Torah study either before or after work. (Sometimes both.)

The fact is that there are a lot of fine young Charedi men
who are simply not cut out for the Yeshiva life for various different and very legitimate
reasons. And though some of them (maybe
even most of them) tend to stick it out and stay in Yeshiva anyway - they do
this either because of peer pressure – or so they can have the ‘right’ resume
for Shidduch purposes.

This is why many young men of dating age become
students in Lakewood Yeshiva. And it is why Lakewood instituted ‘the Freezer’. Which
is a policy of not letting their students date for at least six months so as to
discourage those who attend their Yeshiva mostly for dating purposes. To a Charedi - having ‘Lakewood’
on your resume when looking for a Shidduch is as important as having Harvard on
your resume when looking for a job.

There are a few brave young Charedi men who realize that staying full time in the Beis HaMedrash is not the best use of their time. They realize that
their strengths lie elsewhere. Instead of staying in a Yeshiva and learning
Torah at a mediocre level because of peer pressure or for Shidduch purposes
- they opt for choosing careers where their true talents lie, prepare for them…
and then go to work.

Unfortunately for them, the young women coming out of Beis Yaakovs
and seminaries these days aren’t interested in them. They have been
indoctrinated to seek only full time learners – those who are learning full time in Yeshivos and will continue to do so in a Kollel indefinitely after marriage. They will not accept dates with
those who don’t, no matter how fine their character.

To that end these young women are encouraged by their teachers and mentors to support their husbands by being the bread
winners. Ironically many of them get the kind of education that
will give them great incomes. Some attend colleges and universities and become
professionals in various fields with good paying jobs. All with the goal of
supporting their future husbands in Kollel.

For their troubles, they seek true Talmidei Chachamim, and
will not date anyone that does not fit that bill. And we wonder why
there are so many single women? There are a lot of women who seek such men…
but not all that many men who measure up. What about the fellow
who decided to work for a living and be Koveiah Itim? They won’t even look at him.

But... as I have said before, the definition of a good girl is one
that wants a good ‘learner’. The definition of a good boy is someone that IS a
good learner. It is a lot easier to want a good learner than it is to be a good
learner. The ‘cream’ that these young women are looking for just is not there
in sufficient numbers to satisfy the numbers of young women seeking them.

So it is no small wonder that there are so many ‘good’ girls
and so few ‘good’ men. It’s not that they aren’t there. They are. But they do not make the cut. These are all men of fine character,
that will make wonderful husbands and fathers. They are bright; they are kind; they are generous; and they are loving. They have the same values that these young women
have. But instead of learning full time they found another way of serving God. What do they get for all their introspection and honesty? They are thrown off the dating grid. Charedi women will not consider them at all for a date.

How strong is that indoctrination? I am reminded of a story from a few years ago about a young Charedi working man who had great character and values. He related a horror story about his Shidduch experience. No matter how much he tried he had
a very hard time getting dates. Sensing that he was being seen as a 2nd class
citizen in the Charedi dating world, he decided to ask a former Rebbe (or Rosh
Yeshiva… or Mashgiach…) why he was having such a hard time.

His Rebbe’s answer was astonishing! This young man was told that he
was indeed a 2nd class citizen! In fact this Rebbe told
he was sub par compared
to the full time Torah learners… and that is how he was seen by the pool of
women he chose to date.

Where does all this leave people like JS? It leaves him unmarried - with
only 5 dates in 2 years.

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About Me

My outlook on Judaism is based mostly on the teachings of my primary Rebbe, Rabbi Aaron Soloveichik from whom I received my rabbinic ordination. It is also based on a search for spiritual truth. Among the various sources that put me on the right path, two great philosophic works stand out: “Halakhic Man” and “Lonely Man of Faith” authored by the pre-eminent Jewish philosopher and theologian, Rabbi, Dr. Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Of great significance is Rabbi, Dr. Norman Lamm's conceptualization and models of Torah U’Mada and Dr. Eliezer Berkovits who introduced me to the world of philosophic thought. Among my early influences were two pioneers of American Elementary Torah Chinuch, Rabbis Shmuel Kaufman and Yaakov Levi. The Yeshivos I attended were Yeshivas Telshe for early high school and more significantly, the Hebrew Theological College where for a period of ten years, my Rebbeim included such great Rabbinic figures as Rabbis Mordechai Rogov, Shmaryahu Meltzer, Yaakov Perlow, Herzl Kaplan, and Selig Starr. I also attended Roosevelt University where I received my Bachelors Degree - majoring in Psychology.