Aye Aye, Cap’n!

I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re not on a frigate in the middle of fucking gun battle with Her Majesty’s Royal Navy. We’re not dressed like pirates, and I’m not wearing a fucking eye patch! So, it might be in your best interest to stop barking out orders like some sort of power-crazed babysitter on an ego trip. Otherwise, you might have a mutiny and a concussion headed your way faster than a bullet train. I mean, where the fuck do you get off? It’s not like people won’t listen to you if you’re the boss, at least not all the time. The position doesn’t come with an ‘I’m always right card’. However, you pretty much just need to ask to get the wheels turning on anything. Or if you prefer a paper trail, an e-mail with bullet points is always good.

I mean, be civil or expect to be treated like a verbally abusive pirate ship captain…office style. I’ll give you an idea of what you could expect since you may be a little slow. How about a twist on Chinese Water Torture where we drip fresh brewed Starbucks Breakfast Blend on your junk. We could even make you drink liquid crystals from your monitor till you poop in Technicolor. Or we could strip you naked, cover our hands in thumbtacks, tie you up, and just slap the shit out of you for like an hour straight. That’s some real pirate shit! Yaaaaaar!