Monday, December 31, 2012

A mysterious uncle leaves a P20-million inheritance to four of his
relatives whom he hasn’t seen in ages: Donald (Herbert Bautista) is a mild mannered former priest who’s
financially hard up. Myra (Janice de
Belen) is the intemperate business woman with abusive streaks to his
husband’s son. Faye (Arlene Muhlach)
is Myra’s congenial cousin. The fourth cousin is Tisoy aka Benedict Collins (Eri Neeman) who’s vaguely interested
with his departed uncle’s wealth. The dead uncle was once a popular comic book writer who’s
done well creating macabre characters.

Once summoned by their uncle’s lawyer,
the cousins troop down to a ramshackle house that reeks with malevolence. But what's important is the departed's millions, right? Unfortunately, the big stash carries a catch: Paintings of the uncle’s cast of popular
characters – the vampire Man de Nado (Fabio
Ide), hair monster Filomena (Dimples
Romana), the mother-killer Tiyanak and piano-playing Rosalda (Snooky Serna) - are distributed among
the cousins. They have to keep them for a month – and if they survive, only
then will they be able to get their share of the 20 million.

This condition isn’t as easy. The characters come to life and Tisoy,
who dumped the painting in a garbage, becomes the first victim. The gang rush
back to their uncle’s house, taking their family with them: Myra’s husband
Benjie (Dennis Padilla), Benjie’s
son Felimon (Gerald Pesigan), Faye’s
daughters Cynthia (Empress Schuck)
and Gladys (Anna Vicente), and Cynthia’s suitor Emerson (Ivan Dorschner). Once inside, doors shut and they find themselves
trapped inside. What’s worse, the comic characters start to appear, wrecking
havoc all around. And the only one to stop them was a fifth character,
heart-eating Buboy, Ang Munting Diablo
(Rain Papa). But why would Buboy
help them when all he wants to do is play with his victims before consuming
their hearts? Will the gang survive their uncle’s monsters?

LOST COMMAND (Writer: Rody Vera)

On cursory surveillance,
a group of soldiers head into the dense jungle of Barangay Putotan. They’ve
heard of the mysterious disappearance of folks and the wandering creatures that
go bump in the night. Is the ragtag group of former soldiers responsible for
this? The platoon soon begins to lose their men cryptically seized in the
silhouettes of the woodland. With briskly dwindling numbers, Martin Barrientos (Dennis Trillo)
decides to follow Linda (Ella Cruz),
a blind girl, who takes them to her “Itay” (Ronnie Lazaro) said to be able to help them. What they find instead
is more bewildering – former soldiers and comrades have turned into the undead, and they’re being recruited to
be part of this group. With the help of Corporal Upaon (Paulo Avelino) who’s been fed the flesh of others and Private Conde
(Martin Escudero) who steers the undead away from Barrientos, the platoon
leader is taken by Linda's father to where he could jump to his freedom. “Kunin mo lang ang anak ko, at ilayo mo sya dito,”
pleads Itay. But the jungle is treacherous and the path is long. What becomes
of Barrientos?

UNWANTED (Writer: Roy Iglesias)

A catastrophic earthquake separates Hank (Vhong Navarro) from his pregnant girl
friend Kate (Lovi Poe) who’s lost in
the rubble. Upon gaining consciousness, two days after the incident, people are
still trapped as they find their way out. Hank finds other survivors, Ming (Eula Caballero), Neil (Albie Casino), and their Uncle Tom (Eric Tai); there’s Rex (Carlo Aquino) and a loud gay man (Chokoleit). Each one eventually fall
prey to the peculiar creatures similarly trapped in the rubble. When Hank finally finds Kate, they scamper out of the building, only to
discover that the world they once knew had ceased to exist. Space ships hover
in mid-air; dinosaur-like creatures saunter across them, and they’re approached
by unidentifiable beings who soon take their semblance.

Director Chito Rono seems to be the perfect
person to handle three disparate stories for the 14th installment of
the horror trilogy. In fact, there’s something nostalgic with the return of
Janice de Belen, Arlene Muhlach and Herbert Bautista into the series since their first appearance 18 long years ago: Bautista for Peque Gallaga’s “Manananggal”, De Belen for her iconic role in Ishmael Bernal’s “Pridyider”,
and Muhlach for Emmanuel H. Borlaza’s
“Baso”. But while these three old
tales were compelling to watch, Rono’s new age fables are emotionally distant
and uninteresting. There’s nothing much in its exposition that draws you in.
More importantly, the element of suspense is tepid, if non-existent.

In a scene in “Pamana”, the group finds a spinning top
in the middle of the room. Do you get: 1. Scared? 2. Perplexed? 3. Move away?
Human instinct is basic, and when we’re accosted by something sinister, we
either fight or “fly”. Instead,
Janice and company stare and engage in a discussion. It was almost too funny.
In both “Pamana” and “Unwanted”, Rono tried injecting humor - that
both Myra and Faye got pregnant before getting married, for example, and there’s
Vhong Navarro in “Unwanted” who
refers to Chokoleit as “Di tiyak”. While
Vhong is a brilliant comedian, fear and laughter
are too unrelated, and fusion of both results into anything but harmonious. The end product: lukewarm exposition with an apocryphal emotional engagement. As an
audience, we invest something into our viewing experience: Do we get sad and
sympathize? Do we shiver in our knickers and shriek with fear? Do we laugh until
we’re blue? Curiously, SSR 14 doesn’t induce any. We just didn’t care enough.

“Lost Command”, on the other hand, feels like a spiritless version
of the Korean movie, “R-Point”,
about a band of missing soldiers, presumed dead, who sends a radio transmission
to their base. But while “R-Point” is relentlessly gripping, “Lost Command” is languid with
characters almost unrecognizable from the next. It was mostly successful in
gathering some of the hottest soldiers in the cinematic universe: Dennis
Trillo, Martin Escudero, Paulo Avelino, Alex Castro, JC Tiuseco, AJ Dee, Kenneth
Paul Salva, et.al. Then Rono renders them disposable. What a waste of masculine meat.
Tee hee.

SRR 14 was Rated A by that dubious
ratings group, Cinema Evaluations Board
(CEB). Considering that this is actually one of the worst installments from
the series speaks oodles about the capacity of the CEB to rate quality films. How much government money is being spent to maintain this useless arm? Heaven knows this group badly needs to be scrapped.

There’s unabashed delight in the depiction of bratty, filthy-rich
social butterflies as seen in Andoy Ranay’s
“Sosy Problems”. Lizzie Consunji (Rhian Ramos) leads an enviable pack of
the “super duper rich” that further
constitutes Danielle Alvarez (Bianca
King), the daughter of a former congressman (Ricky Davao) with briskly dwindling fortunes; Margaux Bertrand (Solenn Heussaff), best friend of
Claudia Ortega (Heart Evangelista). Margaux
and Claudia’s relationship is dragged down by the simmering rivalry
between their former beauty queen-mothers Martina (Cherie Gil) and Glory (Agot
Isidro), Claudia’s mother. They’re the privileged bunch. They arrive in private helicopters; ride
horses like Mikey Cojuangco; employ yayas
who ride in specially-assigned cars; and they can sniff fake designer bags from a mile away.

But all’s not well on the horizon. The Polo Club, their favorite hangout,
was bought by Bernice (Mylene Dizon),
a former club cashier who got hitched to a billionaire. Bernice plans to turn
the club into a Yaya Mall. The girls
are appalled. After all, they couldn't fraternize with the masa. What becomes of their
memories? More importantly, what happens to the employees of the club, some of
whom have worked there half their lives. Lizzie turns to her dad for help, but
he wouldn't budge so she takes matters into her hand. She organizes a picket to
protest against the plan of the new owner. This gets them arrested for their
stunt.

As punishment, Lizzie is sent to the remote town of Sapang Bato to join her lola (Nova Villa) and cousin Becca (Barbie
Forteza). But provincial life is far removed from Lizzie’s cosmopolitan
lifestyle. There are no clubs, no internet or wifi, and phone signal is intermittent, she had to climb a tree to
secure one. Lizzie invites her friends to help get over the tedium of rural
living, but they end up fighting with each other. What’s worse, Lizzie becomes
a big burden, financial and otherwise, to her well meaning grandmother (her lola’s sister) and cousin.

Back in the city, Danielle starts to deal with her own financial
troubles the only way she can. So she devises ways to hook up with Inaki Montinola
(Alden Richards) whose fortune is
legendary. With the help of Santi (Mikael
Daez), a stranger he met at a party, she invites Inaki for dinner. Will she
get an audience with the eligible bachelor? Would Inaki show up? Meanwhile,
Margaux and Claudia are fighting over Benjo (Aljur Abrenica), the club’s good looking stable boy-cum-waiter who seems oblivious to the
girls’ constant flirting. With their internal strife piling up, the fall of the
Polo Club seems inevitable… or is it?

Andoy Ranay’s “Sosy Problems” is riddled with
loopholes, you start to wonder if there were cognitive beings driving this
cinematic vehicle. Aside from the threadbare plot, the motives of the
characters are dubious. If these people truly had a plethora of riches, they
had several options in the drawing room: 1. Hire a lawyer to negotiate their
demands, not that they have proprietary say on a privately owned property; 2. Pool
their resources and gather their amigas
to buy the property from the new owner; 3. Take to the media by bombarding the
public with articles about the poor employees; 4. Purchase another property and
equip it with even better facilities. Planking at the facade is as ridiculous
as the thought of someone purchasing the playground of the rich and famous. Besides,
who did Bernice marry – the Prince of Brunei?

While on sabbatical at the province, Lizzie’s lola had to “steal” from her other granddaughter’s piggy bank because they were
low on resources to support Lizzie’s whims. Didn't Lizzie’s dad (Johnny Revilla), a successful hotelier,
send enough money to finance her daughter’s stay in the province? The lola could have easily asked from Lizzie’s
dad and, surely, he wouldn't mind sending a few thousands of pesos. A lola stealing from her granddaughter is a
grave mistake, even if this were meant for good intentions. Stealing is 8th
of the Ten Commandments, remember? This narrative strain is ill advised and
reminds me of Sef Cadayona’s sexual assault in Emmanuel dela Cruz’s disputable “Slumber Party” where “rape” is horrendously treated with easy
humor. We've never heard of grandmothers acting like juveniles since Australia’s
Oscar-nominated “Animal Kingdom”. This isn't Oscar-worthy.

The movie is, however, made bearable by the delectable turn of its lead
stars portraying some of the most self-absorbed characters in local cinema.
Rhian Ramos hams it up and shows why this role was written for her. She is brilliant and playful as bratty Lizzie. Think Alicia Silverstone's "Cher". Though humor in the film is
a hit-and-miss affair, many of the gags involving our four ladies actually work. Enthusiasm is such an infectious malady.

Take the “pilapil” (dike) scene: the girls wanted to visit the "pilapil” because someone told them it’s beautiful out there. Without an inkling of idea what a “pilapil” is,
they march through dikes with high heels, wide brimmed hats and designer
bags thinking they were heading into some kind of Shangrila when, in fact, they've reached their destination many times over. This really cracked me up.
Another favorite scene was when the girls found a pot of mud they all thought
was a facial regimen. They started rubbing mud all over their faces while Claudia assures
her friends with, “Don’t panic; it’s
organic.” On the other hand, Bianca King’s part was the most sympathetic. Her story was
better told than the rest. And King came out less of a caricature.

Mikael Daez registers
strongly as the mysterious Santi, you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was
charming and he spoke well. Aljur Abrenica is a fetching Benjo, the club’s
all-around boy, but then he isn't made to do much. There are cameos by Ruffa Gutierrez who plays the role of a lifestyle broadcast executive who wants to run a story about the girls. Tim Yap plays a bigger part (than previous movie roles) as Ruffa's lifestyle reporter.

The film actually stumbles hard as it scrambles into its finish line.
Story telling turned reckless and banked on fast resolutions. The positive comeuppance
felt undeserved because there were untold chapters that needed more narrative
discourse. Elsewhere, the grapevine has tongues wagging: Ranay, the film’s director started
acting flaky (think Angelina Kanapi) because his boyfriend left him.
Sometime November, the still unfinished product was directorless. Grief has a
way of skewing priorities, I know, but isn't Ranay a veteran theater habitue? You’d expect the demeanor of a stage professional, right? This was why Joyce Bernal was allegedly taken into
the fold to finish the unfinished and
do her editing magic. If this is true, then someone clearly doesn't deserve to
work in the business again. Work is work. Oscar Wilde once said, “There’s always something ridiculous about
the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.” With grief, people do ridiculous things. Unfortunately, he didn't suffer alone.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Vice Ganda’s roles always thrive on the element of revenge. In “Petrang Kabayo”, his character, Peter
grew up with an abusive father, prodding him to run away until a rich spinster
(Eugene Domingo) adopts him for her son. But grown up Peter is a successful
businessman who’s bitter, mean and wrecks havoc on the people who works for
him. In Wenn Deramas’ “Sisterakas”, Vice Ganda is no different. He plays Bernice, the
bastard son of a rich man (Epy Quizon)
borne out of the latter’s indiscretions with the maid (Gloria Diaz). Mother and son Bernice were eventually thrown out of
the house. Bernice grows up successful and, like his character in “Petrang Kabayo”, spiteful and feared by
his staff. Not a few of his past 387 executive assistants have resigned while the
current one (Melai Cantiveros) is,
in fact, jumping off the ledge of their high rise building.

Bernice, now owner of an apparel firm, will only settle down once he
has taken his revenge on the family who pushed his mother off the stairs (she’s
now a paraplegic). Trouble is, he couldn’t locate them. Meanwhile, Dette (Ai-Ai de las Alas), Bernice’s half-sister
has fallen on hard times. Unemployed and a single parent, Dette raises two
daughters Kathy (Kathryn Bernardo) and
Cindy (Xyriel Manabat). She’s also
desperate for a job. And as fate would have it, she falls into the trap that
would have Bernice fulfill his vengeful dream of making Dette’s life a living
hell. Bernice would, for example, have Dette wash a truckload of curtains, or
send her off to Lipa for dalandans
straight from the hands of Governor Vilma. But Dette perseveres for her
children. How very “Tanging Ina”, debah?

It’s also becoming clear that Dette has fashion acumen that could help
Bernice’s sagging sales as competition with rival Roselle (Kris Aquino) is fierce. What’s worse, a mole (DJ Durano) is divulging the company’s classified projects to
Roselle. Will Dette survive Bernice’s sadistic ways? Moreover, will Dette accept
Roselle’s lucrative offer to work for her?

Director Wenn Deramas’
latest opus banks on his stars’ impeccable comic skills as there’s really not
much to chew where its derivative story is concerned. A good part of the movie
feels like déjà vu. We're sure we’ve
seen these scenes in the recent past.

Kris Aquino’s character is similar to Judy Anne Santos’ presence in “Enteng Kabisote”. She doesn’t belong in
the story. This isn’t saying that Aquino did horribly as the campy Roselle. She
was in fact fun to watch as she overstepped her usual thespic boundaries,
frivolously making fun of herself (“like
a bad Kris Aquino horror experience”), her failed marriage (“natuto na ako diyan” in relation to
pre-nuptial agreements), and the oft repeated, “Yap, yap, yap”! When asked about basketball, she gamely quipped: “Tapos na ako dyan. I’m so over it.” When
a personality of her stature consents to spoof the unpalatable chapters of her
public life, this only highlights her level of maturity, not to mention
strength of character. And we could only commend Kris Aquino for her
irresistible turn in “Sisterakas”,
though she has to do something about her “sinister
laugh” which sounds as fraudulent as her two-inch lashes.

Vice Ganda and Ai-Ai delas Alas do well, but Ganda needs a fresher take
on the oft-repeated tale of the vengeful gay man. His quips are as delectable,
but they’re also turning familiar. In time, people would get tired of similar
comedic approaches – and that would be too sad. Ai-Ai has really mastered her dramedian skills that makes it easy to
empathize with her. Unfortunately, all this enthusiasm is hobble by mediocre
writing, stale situations, and poor production values.

Check out the “chin prosthesis” placed on the child
playing the young Ai-Ai. Any idiot could easily point out the fake chin due to skin color discrepancy. Now isn’t this easily remediable? Why were they
too lazy to fix this snag? Simple! Because they can’t be bothered. This after
all is comedy, thus “puwede na yun”.
Curiously, this mentality has won them a “3rd Best Picture Award”. And
please remind me what exactly did Best Supporting Actress winner Wilma Doesnt do to even merit a
nomination? Was she better than Cherry Pie Picache in “The Strangers”? It makes you wonder if
the board of judges really watched the entries – or were they merely guessing? Wilma’s
award is truly inscrutable. The only vaguely memorable scene with her was this:

Waitress to Vice Ganda: Black coffee, maa’m?

Vice Ganda: Black coffee for the black lady. (He
looks at Wilma who couldn't even react to this. She was so lost. A truly
award-winning moment.)

Kathryn Bernardo as Kathy, one of Dette's daughters, figures in an impish story line involving Angelo Santos (Daniel Padilla) who's been adopted into Bernice's family. As part of his uncle's revenge, he was to make Kathy fall in love with him, before he ultimately breaks her heart. But Kathy isn't so easy to please - not with his cheesy pick-up lines and loopy smile. Angelo gets head over heels taken by the winsome young lady. The pair provides bubble gum moments in the busy exposition. Unfortunately, though Kathryn and Daniel are charming performers, theirs is a disposable subplot. Daniel's scenes with Vice are as playful (like their wheelchair scene).

Other performers do walk-on parts: Tirso Cruz III plays Kris Aquino's dad; Daniel Matsunaga plays Marlon, the Brazilian model recruited by Kris who eventually signed up for Vice's firm (Ai-Ai helped him fix his flat tire on the way to the signing of the documents); DJ and model David Callum, Beauty Gonzales, Maliksi Morales, the hilarious Joey Paras (playing Ai-Ai's friend); and Luis Manzano (believed to be Deramas' cinematic lucky charm - but what would that make DJ Durano?) :)

BEST PICTURES

Prior to Deramas’ speech when he accepted this highly contentious
award, Kris Aquino enumerated some of MMFF’s previous Best Picture winners: “Ganito Kami Noon, Paano Kayo Ngayon” (1976), “Himala”
(1982), “Jose Rizal” (1998). There’s
more: “Kisap Mata” (1981), “Karnal” (1983), etc. So it was jarring
to watch Deramas accept a 3rd Best Picture Award within the realm of
the aforementioned masterpieces. Is "Sisterakas" the new age legacy of excellence? The criteria for “best” have radically metamorphosed into
something gag-inducing in the last 10 years or so. “Enteng Kabisote: Okay Ka Fairy Ko – The Legend Goes On and On and On”
won its Best Picture Trophy in 2006. I am still reeling from that win. Are we truly rooting for a historical faux pas or just plain mediocrity?

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Enteng Kabisote’s (Vic Sotto)
life couldn’t be more satisfactory, but for his mother-in-law Ina Magenta’s (Amy Perez) occasional surprise visits
even during Enteng and Faye’s (Gwen
Zamora) intimate moments. One day, Enteng finds another visitor from the
kingdom of Amuleto, the sword-bearing warrior Agimat (Bong Revilla) who needs his help: Agimat, you see, is getting
hitched to warrior princess Samara (Sam
Pinto). The new couple wants the Kabisotes’ halcyon lifestyle on Earth. The
earthly couple has been married for 25 years – and Agimat and Samara want the same.
But what if invaders try to overrun Agimat’s kingdom again? “Iilaw ang aking kuwintas, at agad akong
babalik,” assured the amorous warrior. Unfortunately, life in Manila isn’t
a walk in the park. Agimat has scanty skills for the modern world so he relies
on Enteng for his family’s daily sustenance. After all, Samara is heavy with a child.

Meanwhile, environmental activist Angeline Kalinisan Ortesa, aka “Ako” (Judy Anne Santos) is tickled pink when she finally meets the
legendary duo. “Super duper guapo,”
Ako giggles interminably. Shebriskly insinuates herself in the enviable
company, prodding occasional “group hugs” at every possible turn. This annoys wives
Faye and Samara no end, seeing Ako as a husband-grabbing opportunist. Who wouldn't when they find the pretty stranger wetting her knickers whenever she’s
around their husbands? Unknown to them, Ako is herself an “engkantada”; a magic-wielding princess who mean no harm. But these marital
concerns are the least of their problems. In the netherworlds of Engkantasia, Amuleto, and Diwatara (Samara’s
kingdom), an onslaught of invasion looms. The dark forces from the evil kingdom
of Tokatok have plotted a takeover. When Aiza (Aiza Seguerra) and her friends get captured by the alien forces, the rest of the world is under siege. What to do?

Agimat, Enteng Kabisote and Ako

Director Tony Reyes’ “Si Agimat, Si Enteng at Si Ako” is
narratively spare and its content artistically destitute. Employing “invasion” (again) to move its plot, and spruced up
with the alacrity akin to grade school children, the movie is spreading itself
too thin. Haven’t we seen this before? They introduced a new character in Judy
Anne Santos’ Ako, but this hardly
makes up for its cinematic vacuity. No one really roots for a girl who
salivates silly in the company of married men; forget that she’s the svelte
Judy Anne Santos. Moreover, the annoying Ako
is bereft of any form of empathy, making her presence silly and negligible at
best. That she fawns over an in-law
hating hero and a potbellied warrior, both wrinkly, is one for the books. Something
has to be said about sensory deprivation that makes people weak in the knees in
the company of curmudgeonly protagonists.

The film is loud. As it
careens recklessly towards its conclusive comeuppance, it drives into auditory
overkill. Il n’est pire eau que l’eau qui dort,right? The shallowest makes the most noise to compensate for
its hollowness. There’s a gay-and-pink version of Hulk (John Lapus), a
shameless Sun Cellular product placement, a gang of white-painted ethnic tribesmen, a horde of alien invaders who look
like bad Disney squids, and CGI effects circa 1990. Yes, Virginia. In the age
of ubiquitous high technology, we’re back to cheap special effects: the screen
turns dark whenever a special effect is introduced. And this one is co-produced
by 4 or 5 film companies, GMA Films included? How much did they invest in it, P10,000 each and zero
brain activity? Alleluiah, pagpalain ang
nagtitipid. Yet this film is raking oodles at the box office! The Filipinos who
trooped to the cinemas to watch this – and in the process, ignored Nora Aunor’s “Thy Womb” or Mark Meilly’s
“El Presidente” – get what they deserve.
Garbage!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

As a Christmas present to the hundreds of souls who love their Pink Film articles, I am posting one of the dozen-or-so completed, albeit unposted reviews of a Pink Film shown during the first quarter of 2012. This has been pre-scheduled for a November 28 posting but I got tired of them. The main thing here is, the blank page has managed unbelievable traffic and page views compared to the other flicks of its genre (except for one particular title). People LOVE garbage and this is proof of that. This is also one of the reasons why Blank Posts have been placed here; so I know which ones to post WHEN I feel like it, honey. Maybe another Pink Film review gets posted for the New Year. Maybe not. Enjoy your eggs! They are red, and perfect for the season. :)STORY

In Cleo
Paglinawan’s “Itlog na Pula”, there’s paucity of opportunity and commerce in a remote, impoverished
town where Jerome (Jerome Pineda)
tends to the ducks, processing red (salted) eggs from his fowls. To supplement
his income, he has occasional rendezvous with the town’s limpwrists (Ike
Sadiasa) enthusiastic enough to shell out P100 (ohmygawd) to manipulate Jerome’s
“smoking gun”. Jerome has known destitution since he was abandoned by his
mother as a child. “Dito na rin siguro
ako mamatay,” muses Jerome. He lives his humdrum life with resignation
until a fascinating couple from the city arrives, seemingly eluding a patchy
situation from the mean streets of the big city.

Jerome offers his kubo to Charles and Barbara (Charles
Delgado and Barbara Chavez) “kung mapagtiisan ninyo ito”. The couple’s
only too pleased to find board and accommodations. After all, their savings
amount to almost nil. Charles needs to find a job fast because the couple has
conveniently freeloaded off Jerome’s hospitality, staying in his hut and eating
his “itlog na pula”. But the host
doesn’t seem to mind: he believes Charles will eventually pay him. Besides,
Barbara has beguiled the young man who has never slept with a girl. Barbie’s
occasional peekaboo bathing sessions become inspiring anatomical lessons for
Jerome. Barbie, it turns out, is attracted to the strapping young lad. In fact,
nights turn into feu de joies of temptation
as Barbie stares at her half-naked landlord while he sleeps. But what's more interesting, Charles
shares Barbie’s fascination with Jerome. And the couple soon takes turns surreptitiously
canoodling Jerome’s “red eggs”. Isn't it about time they just make an omelet out of this funky triumvirate? It seems clear
Jerome has adequate raw materials for such gastronomic serving, debah?

Jerome Pineda

Charles Delgado

Like her other ouvres, director Cleo Paglinawan’s tale is a story that has
been told many times over by Paglinawan herself. Unfortunately, she isn’t
equipped with enough neuron to conjure innovation for her narrative twists. It
doesn’t help that her scriptwriters are as artistically impotent. If you “cut
and paste” a scene from any of Paglinawan’s movies this year and insinuate them
in one of her film, the scene wouldn’t seem misplaced. Her scenography has been
monotonously similar. You can easily interchange stories and scenes in her
films. Try “Mga Lalake Sa Balsa”:
desperate men in a poor town; able bodied guys surrendering their body to cringe-worthy
parlorista; seemingly straight men turning gay without prior hint; then a
sudden violent twist to cap the story.

Paglinawan is eternally disoriented. Her
individual scenes are incongruent. Making movies with her constitutes nothing
more than owning a movie camera. Forget new stories and original scripts. These
elements never figure in Paglinawan’s artistic endeavor.

It’s too bad because Charles Delgado and newbie Jerome
Pineda are able actors; both are comfortable delivering their lines and
they’re never awkward in their scenes. Barbara Chavez, on the other hand, is a
perpetually flustered presence. Her depiction of a nymphomaniac may “take” within the context of the story
(the reason why the couple in the story keeps moving from one place to another),
but if you watch her in other films like “Three-in-One”
and “Frontal”, her performances are
nothing but kindred; they’re one and the same. She needs to realize that it’s
her job to take on different personalities in every role she appears in. Iba ibahin mo, ‘Ne!

This film made me remember Seiko Films’ “Itlog”, one of Robbie Tan’s enviable "masterpieces" from 2002. Compared to “Itlog na
Pula”, Francis “Jun” Posadas’ exploitative flick feels like a masterpiece. It was about a hunky caretaker (Winston
Elizalde) who gets into his hospitable boss’ (Celso
Ad. Castillo) good graces until the latter’s prodigal son (Rodel Velayo) makes his intractable homecoming. In the film, Winston and Rodel vie for Diana Zubiri's affection. Then the eggs start cracking. Ohdearme!"Itlog na Pula" was first screened sometime March this year. If you've never heard of it, there must be justice in the cinematic world, right? How can egregious works like this one have commercial screenings while commendable indie flicks from say, Mes de Guzman, not have any?

One sometimes wishes that Seiko Films
was still producing their exploitative flicks to displace these New Age cinematic garbage. Robbie Tan's films were clearly superior works compared to the likes of “Id'nal (Mapusok)’, “Hubo”, “Kapalit ng Ligaya”, "Kapa", "Hardinero", "Masukista", “Kasalo”, "For Adults Only", “Tiyo
Pablo”, and other new generation skin flicks. At least you’d know that
Seiko Films spent a considerable amount to produce their film projects. They take weeks and even months to finish while GA Villafuerte movies ridiculously complete their principal photography in - hold your panties! - ONE day! Heck, even films from impoverished Burkina Faso take days to finish. Only in the Philippines do we have movies hastily done within 24 hours and still find a venue - like Robinsons Galleria - to screen them on. Villafuerte and Paglinawan - and now there's even a Benny Andaya responsible for one of the most vomit-inducing gay-flavored flicks in the last 5 years or so - "Uhaw sa Piling Mo". These films are fit for Ripley's. Believe it or not!

How do you make "itlog na pula". This film can't even make a decent documentary from this subject.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Soxie Topacio’s “D’ Kilabots: Pogi Brothers Weh” is as
preposterous as its title; its story even more so. Justine (Jose Manalo) lapses into convulsive
seizures every time he comes in contact with a woman. This has prevented him
from pursuing a relationship with Kitty (Pokwang)
who turns to Bruno (Wally Bayola),
Justine’s brother, for romantic denouement. Their eventual marriage has caused
due strain between the siblings to the consternation of their rambunctious
mother (Gina Pareno). Enter Lulu (Solenn Heussaff), the daughter of Sir
Donald (Tirso Cruz III), an
influential businessman.

While Lulu openly fawns over Justine, the latter is adamant, despite
the seemingly mutual attraction. Trouble comes to a head when Bruno decides to
open a lugawan, an enterpreneural bid
that would challenge Justine’s isawan.
What to do? But all these become inconsequential when Bruno discovers the nefarious
plot of Lucio (Michael de Mesa), an
avaricious businessman, who, along with Sir Donald (Lulu's dad), has devised a scheme to
incinerate Justine’s property. Justine's refusal to sell his property prevents Lucio from building a mall in the area.

"Kilabots..." boasts of an all-star cast, with familiar faces gracing the screen for sitcom-style gags: Maricel Soriano and Roderick Paulate play a room switching couple; Vic Sotto as the intervening barangay chairman, German Moreno (with his eternally vomit-inducing "Walang Tulugan" spiel), Aljur Abrenica and Victor Basa as the hunky policemen; Jimmy Santos as the dead father; Jobelle Salvador, Allan K, Nina Jose, Nyoy Volante, et.al. Paolo Ballesteros dolls up (and curiously looking prettier than most women) as the movie enthusiast who spews cinematic lines, movie titles and their date of release. But at some point, the gag loses its novelty. After all, no one remembers lines from "Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan" anymore.

The narrative is an uninspired tripe of calculated situations kept
afloat by an enthusiastic cast. There’s not a lot one can do with borderline ideas and a mediocre
script. Having the gorgeous Heussaff salivate over Manalo is just plain silly.
And being silly doesn't automatically translate into humor. Some ideas are
incoherent, like Justine's supposed attraction with Lulu. When she came to serenade him (Heussaff singing “Ipagpatawad Mo”), he ended up drenching
her with a pail filled with urine. How’s that for good taste? Or is uncouth and revolting behavior supposed
to be funny?

During a public squabble between Justine and Bruno, Gina Pareno (playing their mother) intervened, telling them: “Ang totoong
matapang, nag iisip muna.” I've never heard of such discordant aphorism.
Might does not necessarily translate to intelligence, does it? These desperate narrative
struggles to say something logical underline the absence of a considerable “burden” that should fuel the narrative. The brazen fact is, these issues are a sham. And its film makers have absolutely nothing
to say.

At the heart of Emerson Reyes’
“MNL 143” is Ramil (Allan Paule) who has raked the populace
of Metro Manila within the last 5 years searching for Mila (Joy Viado), the girl who got away. They
were supposed to share a future together, but 13 years ago, Ramil up and left
without saying goodbye, but for a letter saying he was leaving town to work
abroad. Big mistake. He has since returned home to make amends.

But today was Ramil’s last day. Five years into his search, he’s
throwing down the towel and taking another stint for a job overseas (Saudi
Arabia). Mila was never found. Regret cloaks Ramil’s remaining hours in the
chaotic metropolis. As he winds down his day, a familiar face flags down the FX
taxi Ramil is driving. What’s left of his romantic past?

Framing Ramil’s eleventh hour search is a cornucopia of characters who
come and go, as passengers hop in and out of our protagonist’s taxi, as he
plies the Philcoa-to-Fairview route: a testy old woman who does nothing but
complain; two would-be OFWs whose interest is piqued by a Japanese seatmate; a
wife who unexpectedly learns of his hubby’s job dismissal; a couple of enthusiastic
film students; a cell phone snatcher; a band of gay men discussing the ritual of
giving gifts to their disengaged lovers.

The constant and kinetic introduction of a variety of characters may
insinuate passage of time to highlight Ramil’s emotional logrolling, but they
don’t contribute much to the main narrative. In fact, much of it is cinematic
ruse and deflects from the story at hand. The central plot has been disregarded
in favor of the tacky page-flipping of its hundred-and-one disparate anecdotes.
Allan Paule packs an insightful wallop as the regretful Ramil. Unfortunately,
his chemistry with Joy Viado is awkward; a major blunder – only individuals
with lofty invention would consider it brilliant casting. It wasn't The
pairing itself displays parsimonious chemistry. It is misguided at best; the
product of an obstinate, albeit arrogant artistry. That’s just too bad since
director Emerson Reyes is technically proficient. His story telling is a different matter altogether.

Friday, December 21, 2012

There isn't much Marcie (Rain
Javier) wouldn't do for his friends: Lolita (Savannah Lamsen), who operates a small parlor, and the closeted
Benson (Kurt Lander), the barangay
captain’s effete son. Marcie seems contented with his life in the slums. At
sundown, he moonlights as a cross dressing street walker who peddles sexual
services to the passing vehicles of a tenebrous alley.

One night, he gets caught by miscreant police officers who then took
turns to sexually assault him. Like a heaven sent, Makoy (Eugene Tejada), a police asset and, more importantly, Lolita’s
sexually ravenous boyfriend, rescues Marcie inside the precinct. After Makoy’s
intervention, Marcie is set free. Grateful to the taciturn gentleman, Marcie
vows to repay for Makoy’s help. As fate would have it, Makoy becomes the
convenient fall guy for the lost stash of drugs retrieved from a drug bust
operation. The asset suddenly becomes the prey.

Marcie steps forward by taking Makoy to a safe place, a “tambakan” (repository) of used cars in an
otherwise abandoned lot; a valid option before running off to distant Sorsogon. “Walang pumupunta dito,”
Marcie offers. Makoy is holed in an empty bus that quickly becomes his half way
house. When Lolita’s at work, Marcie attends to Makoy’s needs. But Makoy's confinement soon turns into desperation. He needs a companion. Life of a pursued fugitive
isn’t a walk in the park – and it gets lonely.

Makoy gradually falls for the attentive Marcie – and they eventually
share the concupiscent bed. The accidental couple turns serious. In fact, Makoy turns green whenever Marcie leaves for work. What becomes of Lolita who’s
clueless of her boyfriend’s burgeoning relationship with Marcie? Elsewhere,
Benson’s dilemma is escalating. His abusive father (Brylle Mondejar) gets so frustrated with his son’s “wayward” sexuality, he employs the iron
fist whenever Benson acts up. Can Makoy hide in the dump site forever?

Benson and Marcie

Marcie dolls up for work.

Erroneously marketed as a Pink
Film by virtue of a transvestite protagonist, Director Gerardo Calagui’s tale boasts of a valid story replete with well defined characters from a script by Mark Duane Angos. On cursory glance, despondent characters sweep the narrative tableau as they ride their apathetic lives. As we follow their journey, we realize there's more to Calagui's tale. In E.M. Forster'sbook “Aspects of the Novel”, he deftly defines the
proper nature of these individuals, dispatching them as “round characters” because they’re “complex and undergo development”. Marcie maybe a benevolent soul,
but he isn't immune to attraction and seduction. He laments about his choices,
but is powerless over them. He is a flawed individual yet he regrets
about his inability to overcome his weakness. Rain Javier (first seen in Cleo
Paglinawan’s “S.R.O.”) is a revelation as the cross dressing hooker. In "Marcie", you find his emotional
investment.

Eugene Tejada is likewise a natural. He moves without a hint of cloddishness.
This is good news considering this is just his second feature film. He was in Paul Singh Cudail’s elementary effort “Kubli”. Tejada is gifted with an inherent charm
that grabs your attention as his image saunters through the silver screen. And it helps that he's easy on the eyes. Savannah Lamsen’ Lolita is underwritten. In fact, for a good part of the story, you wonder what happened to her. But the former “Fear Factor” contestant and
FHM model could do well in character roles.

The movie doesn't exactly conform to the mold of a Pink Film as we know it: there is no unnecessary shower scenes requisite in these exploitation
flicks and the plot is far from being thread-bare. Sure, Tejada figures in a
pumping scene with Lamsen, but this is integral to defining his relationship
with Lolita. Moreover, the scene isn't unnecessarily amplified to provide
extended exposure of the actor’s bits and pieces. Even Tejada’s moments with
Javier – or Javier’s fellating scenes with Mark Gonzalez, playing the sexually
frustrated Albert whose wife fools around because he is incapable of fathering
a child, are duly clipped.

"Marcie: Ang Pag Ibig Ba ay Short Time?" maybe viewed as a defeatist's fare, but there's something inspiring about the recalcitrant human spirit. What else is left to do when we've tried everything yet we still fail. Life goes on.

Benson (Kurt Lander) hides from his father.

Dustin Jose plays one of the police officers who sexually assaults Marcie.

PLAGIARISTS, BEWARE!

Having been a victim of repeated plagiarism, the next time I find a site infringing on my intellectual property, I will report you without warning and employ all effort to take you down and prosecute you.

Do NOT start a blog site if you're just going to prey on the work of others. It really isn't that hard to write your own material, you know. Grade school kids can do it.

STOP BEING PARASITES!

For the Nameless Nobodies!

I will not entertain anonymous messages regardless of how brilliant they are because they don't have "owners" who can vouch for them. If you haven't got a name, I haven't got the time! Cheers!