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*** This is really only going to make sense of you’ve played, or live with someone who plays Call of Duty 2

Witchita, KS – 26 year old Witchita Motors sales representative Stu Davies walked in to the office of his sales manger Glen Dombrowski late Monday afternoon announcing the completion of a deal. “He said, ‘We’re Oscar-Mike on the blue Focus chief,” recalls Dombrowski.

Davies, who prefers to be known around the office as “Ghost,” had an early scare with the Johnson family. “The Johnsons were holding this used Camary over my head, and at first I thought they we’re bluffing, but I could see I was losing the husband, so when I was “crunching numbers” I IM’d “Soap” with “Danger Close” – so he came in protected my six as my “supervisor.”

Davies is the leader of a three man sales team at Witchita Motors comprised of himself, Maury “Soap” Horowitz and Kalimantan “Roach” Kamasamudram.

Davies, who spends most of his spare time playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, explains, “I gave Roach his name because he’s still a rookie in this outfit, and none of us can pronounce his real name anyway. Maury? He gets Soap cause he’s got my back.

Dombrowski, whom Davies only refers to as Chief or Overlord, admits he doesn’t understand what Davies is talking about most of the time, but adds that it is an improvement over last year when Davis would only refer to Dombrowski as Optimus Prime.

***This site contains some content that may contain language not suitable for some. Links that are not safe for work will be labeled “NSFW.”

Original writings are largely meant to be humorous or satirical, and are the sole property of this site and its owner. Any non original content is credited to it’s source.

Humor is certainly a relative term, but general care is taken not to be offensive for the sake of being offensive. Writings will not be labeled for content because it’s assumed that most to do not read out loud without their own personal knowledge.

Those who do read out loud without their knowledge probably clap their hands frequently and make many indiscernible noises upon eying candy or other objects of desire. Stay away from these people, they cannot be trusted.

It’s holiday season, so in the spirit of this magical time of year. LOTB would like to examine the strange, but acceptable, practice of giving gift receipts.

Many see no harm, and actually some benefit, in letting the “giftees” choose whether a gift is really right for them by way of the return policy. Let’s look a little deeper.

You mean to say that you went to all the trouble to leave the comfort of your home, fight the holiday crowds, battle the sneezing, slobbering, diseased children and their rude self-absorbed parents to find the perfect gift? And, when it’s your time to shine, when you present them with this perfect gift, to your friend/family member/coworker, you include a gift receipt…really?

A gift receipt says, “Look, I went to a lot of trouble, a LOT of trouble to get you this. But I am a sucker – so, if you’d rather have something else go return what I thoughtfully gave you. Go tell the world that I am a joke for wasting my precious time thinking of you.”

First of all, if you don’t want to put in the effort, get a gift card. If you don’t care whether they like what you get them or not, don’t get them anything. But… if you go out and carefully select something you think is definitely the perfect gift?

Don’t cheapen it by giving them the gift receipt opt-out clause. There’s one Claus this time of year and he’s a fat, alcoholic bearded bastard named Santa, and if you tried to work him for a gift receipt…? He’d stick Rudolph’s red beak so far up your ass your nose would glow…

When you choose a gift, it’s “theirs” to have. You picked it, it’s what they get – final answer.

Doesn’t fit? Gain some weight. Already have a blender? Start blending more shit. Dog died? Get it stuffed and put this fucking sweater on it because this is my loving gift to you, you ungrateful bastard.

Not only should you not give a gift receipt, you should make sure that the gifts are NOT returnable. Tear the sweater a little bit, wear the shoes around the block, scratch the DVD, take a swig of the Jameson… They don’t like what you give them, fuck them. Gift wrap a picture of a bullet and a gun next time and tell them you’re on a lay-away plan you’ll “give it to them later.”

Let’s not make excuses either . Show some stones when the cashier says, “Would you like a gift receipt for this?” She is mocking you and you don’t even know it. She’s saying your gift is crap and she doesn’t even know you (just easier to pretend it’s a female cashier, could be a guy) Here’s how that conversation should go:

CASHIER: Would you like a gift receipt for this?”YOU (casually): What do you mean by that…?CASHIER: I mean, do you want a gift receipt for this…?YOU (bravely): Your mom needs a gift receipt…CASHIER (Suddenly having a revelation): Yes, you’re absolutely right about the
irony of gift receipts.YOU: Really?CASHIER: No, fuck you and get out of my store you pathetic asshole.