I Said Laugh, Dammit

Monday, October 17, 2016

By now, everyone who isn't holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or
tvs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald "the
Donald" Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom
sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton. Americans
will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our
nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said
debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On the one hand, with all that talk about female
genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one
does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male
community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, "wouldn't
imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?"

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the
perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this
scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as
hell isn't going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next
unwilling victim.

Which doesn't explain the spike in condom sales. The only
logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are
scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow
have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they
do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the
dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of
blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the
stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing
"the all-time Great Trojan Horse" into the country, we can't help but
wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

It is common knowledge that Donald
Trump continues his popularity among the conservative populace who aren't buying
politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the
system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice
for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in
elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know
his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House
Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking
up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is
bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of
being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes
belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the
plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a
rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still
out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit
he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know
that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during
the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a
connection here?

While he doesn't like to think
of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz
Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for
the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering
an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the
go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would
work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said.
"You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone
like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear
that from me."

In fact, after that statement,
Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the
GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen,
he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed
smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone
looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's
statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out
shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on
the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency
meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise
the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats
from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest
measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more
dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to
employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."

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I am officially a writer now, having been published in a book titled "The Net's Best Satire, Vol. I, on sale through Kindle and Barnes & Noble Nook, as well as having several of my stories published in the well-known Satire Magazine, Humor Times. My stories also appear on a couple of satire websites, including, the Spoof, Glossy News and HumorTimes.com. I found my funny voice and I am bringing it to you through my blogs. I hope you enjoy what you read and come back often.

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