should i be worried?

ive been with my gf for 4 years now but ive been getting a bad feeling lately about the strength of our relationship. story might be long but here goes..

she recently went to a party with (for confidential sake, Alex), and Alex brought along a group of friends and one of Alex's friends started hitting on my gf. She was drunk and apparently gave him her phone number. So now this new guy, lets say Kenny, texts her and asks her to hang out. My gf has told me just about everything that went on that night and how they just started to hang out cuz he goes to the college she does too. BUT, i have a bad feeling about Kenny, not Alex.

recently i just found out she was lying to me. she doesnt know i know but i checked her text messages (i know thats bad). first lie... she has class from 6:45-9:55pm and she called me saying that the teacher held her class up the whole period and that she went to slept right after school. but when i checked her texts, Kenny texted her asking if he could give her a ride. she said if he could meet her at valley college since she got out EARLY! and they hung out.

second lie...she went to a party on saturday and she wanted me to drop her off at a starbucks so her friend Brian could pick her up and take her there since i had to work. before we got there.. she got a call from Brian telling her to meet him at startbucks and on the ride there.. she told me she was texting Brian that shes on her way... turns out... Brian didnt even call her (i checked the call log), and she was texting Kenny to meet her at starbucks!!

i confronted her but didnt ask about the lies. i told her i kinda feel threatened and insecure and that i have a bad feeling about Kenny. i asked her if she was interested in any of them (Alex or Kenny). she said "no, not necessarily, i would have to be friends with someone first before i like them". and then said she was getting annoyed by my questions and that i was being pushy and would break it off with me if i pushed further.

she hasnt given me a reason to trust our relationship that much either recently. i asked her if i could trust her like a week ago and she said "no, you cant really trust anybody. even like you, you could find a girl that you find interesting in your class and maybe end up liking her and she could be a better fit for you than me and vice versa but im not accusing you of anything, i just dont have that trust in people"... so she asked me why i was asking her stuff like this, i told her that im afraid of losing her. she told me not to think that way and said she was happy with me.

i dunno, im really stressed, frustrated, kinda heart broken, and i have to study for finals that comes up in 3 days..... HELP!

i confronted her but didnt ask about the lies. i told her i kinda feel threatened and insecure and that i have a bad feeling about Kenny. i asked her if she was interested in any of them (Alex or Kenny). she said "no, not necessarily, i would have to be friends with someone first before i like them". and then said she was getting annoyed by my questions and that i was being pushy and would break it off with me if i pushed further.

Click to expand...

this is the clincher and she is getting to know Kenny to see if he is a better match for her before she dumps you. Some girls don't like to be alone and will go from guy to guy, but they are never single in between.

It's easy for me to say, but if she is not willing to discuss this with you, she is lying to you and meeting up with other guys, I would dump her and concentrate (as well as you can) on your finals... find a nice girl who will trust you and wants you to trust her.

I would die without my husbands trust.... it means just as much to me as his love does.

sometimes she feels lonely and i understand that. i go to school and work so shes stuck at home doing nothing all day and gets depressed until i finish or come back home so i figured that she would hang out with other people for company. i would have been fine if she told me about them going out but she lied about it. she usually tells me about the people she hangs out with and stuff but this worries me

bottom line is that you both are young and in school. realistically you wont end up together anyway. and she is really trying to find a way out because she said "she was getting annoyed by my questions and that i was being pushy and would break it off with me if i pushed further". if you 100% know she has lied to you then turn it around and dump her and tell her why. then she will know you know she lied to you. plus it is college, there is a lot of other chicks out there. go find one!

Fist off I see a couple of things, since we only know your version and not hers it honestly makes things difficult. I believe it all depends on how much you trust her. Has she done anything before this to make you not believe her. I will admit though that first off you raised your doubts to be even higher by looking threw her things. I understand to some extend why but still it was wrong as you know.
I believe you should first off admit what you have done to her, let her know what you have found, appoligize for what you did. Then comfront the situation at hand. I mean obviously according to you and your post she sounds like she is searching for someone new but doesnt what to break it off with you due to her own fear of being lonely and insercure in her life. I am not sure how old either of you are but I am going to assume that since you said college you are both fairly young.
As you know the choose on what to do here is up to you, noone can make the decision for you. You also should not be "used" per say as a stepping stool. Everyone deserves to be happy in this life along with having their privacy, trust and communication, understanding are what make relationships work. So far I see no trust, communication is so so but that is also due to the lack of privacy and what you have found, if someone is going to go threw another persons personal phone etc then they need to be able to confront what they found, explain why they did it, and be willing to accept the repercussions. Although you have said that you are feeling insercure you haven't told her why, just saying that you have a bad feeling isnt a reason, more like a quick answer without definition.
I wish you the best in this situation.
Good luck to you!!!

Yes, you should be worried. Sounds like she's looking for another guy to me. I'm not fond of snooping on other people, but it sounds like you had reason if you've caught her in a bold-faced lie or two.

Have you traditionally been a jealous type? (It doesn't sound like it to me, but worth asking...be honest.) She could be lying to not stir crap if she's afraid you'll chew her out over a male friend. But, if that's not the case, it sounds like she's purposefully lying to you.

Relationships don't go anywhere when there's dishonesty or even lack of communication. I'd say set her free, and go find someone else for you. If she wants you, she'll come after you...if she doesn't, she won't. You'll have your answer either way.

Gold Member

Obviously, she is lying to conceal a possible new relationship/friendship that she is certain you would not cotton-up to. (poor grammar, I know...)

You, on the other hand, take the liberty to look at her private (ooops - did I say PRIVATE!!!?) phone messages.

WTF? These are fundamental signs that everything is downhill from here. Once there's a slight hint of distrust, it's hard (if not impossible) to regain an openly vulnerable relationship again. There will always be walls and barriers of protection.

ive been with my gf for 4 years now but ive been getting a bad feeling lately about the strength of our relationship. story might be long but here goes..

Click to expand...

I'm in the same situation as you, but I am at ease with it...

All I can do is tell you my story and how I am handling it, which hopefully helps.

My g/f has been working for about a yr with this one guy... the way she kept talking about him and the things he offered to do for her, etc, made me suspect he liked her.

I kept my mouth shut about it and didn't want to seem jealous... even the day I picked her up from work and he walked past us and gave me "that look".

I was like did he just do that? But I shrugged it off... then a month later when I picked her up again, I got the same look... but I decided saying something to my g/f wasn't worth it.

My g/f recently set this guy up with one of her friends.. but after they went out, he said he wasn't into her friend.... big surprise.

About 3 weeks ago, he helped her with some project at work and she offered to take him out for a drink - but he had to go away on business for a week.

While he was gone, her friend and others at work told her that this guy definitely liked her... so my g/f wasn't sure about going out for drinks with this guy.

I told her she made a promise and I was ok with her taking him out for a drink...

So they went for the drink the one day and the guy ended up telling her how much he digs her... and if things went south with us he would like a chance with her.

Obviously I wasn't happy to hear this and I told her he was a cock block, but I admired his stones to take a chance and tell her how he felt.

She kept assuring me she loved me and since we just got engaged 2 weeks ago, that she wouldn't of said yes if she wasn't so in love with me. I believed her and said it wasn't an issue.

The other day she needed a ride home from work because I was using our car and she asked me if it was ok if she asked the guy to ride her home... I said I had no problem with it, because I trust her.

Over the last month she has also been going out more than she used to with her friends to all of this dinners and lunches.. but it is because she just made new friends at the office and a few old friends have been back in town.

So she could easily be using this as cover to cheat one me, but I know she isn't and in the end you just have to trust your girl bro.

It is the perfect storm for me to get jealous and start throwing out accusations, but in the end all it will do is ruin our relationship.

I could also be checking her phone and emails, but I don't feel the need to.

When you are in a committed relationship, the hardest test can be trusting the person you love, but you have to. Especially when she tells me how much money this guy makes, etc.

It can make your confidence waver, but you gotta think of the reasons your girl is with you... showing a lack of self confidence and jealousy will only weaken your relationship with her.

I always told my g/f if you aren't into me just tell me and I'll step down... I won't make problems for you.. stalk you etc.. because I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I have too much self respect for that... to ever beg anyone to be with me... I won't ever lower myself down like that.

In the end you have to just trust that your girl can be friends and hang out with other guys... then trust her not to cheat on you.

There really is no other solution bro - you can't tell her what to do and try to control her... especially telling her who she can and can't hang out with... that is a relationship killer right there.

You just have to lay back and take it on the chin and trust in her... it sucks and the way you handle the situation could mean the difference between her wanting to be with you long term, or wanting to break things off.

You may lose her to this other guy - I'll admit that... but if you keep acting jealous and upset about it, the chances of losing her go up ten-fold.

...So she could easily be using this as cover to cheat one me, but I know she isn't and in the end you just have to trust your girl bro.

It is the perfect storm for me to get jealous and start throwing out accusations, but in the end all it will do is ruin our relationship.

I could also be checking her phone and emails, but I don't feel the need to.

When you are in a committed relationship, the hardest test can be trusting the person you love, but you have to. Especially when she tells me how much money this guy makes, etc.

It can make your confidence waver, but you gotta think of the reasons your girl is with you... showing a lack of self confidence and jealousy will only weaken your relationship with her.

I always told my g/f if you aren't into me just tell me and I'll step down... I won't make problems for you.. stalk you etc.. because I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I have too much self respect for that... to ever beg anyone to be with me... I won't ever lower myself down like that.

In the end you have to just trust that your girl can be friends and hang out with other guys... then trust her not to cheat on you.

There really is no other solution bro - you can't tell her what to do and try to control her... especially telling her who she can and can't hang out with... that is a relationship killer right there.

You just have to lay back and take it on the chin and trust in her... it sucks and the way you handle the situation could mean the difference between her wanting to be with you long term, or wanting to break things off.

You may lose her to this other guy - I'll admit that... but if you keep acting jealous and upset about it, the chances of losing her go up ten-fold.

Click to expand...

Boy, there is some serious maturity in that post, Flite. You can't chain someone to you...who'd want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I wouldn't. We all feel pangs of jealousy sometimes, but you have to handle it the right way (just like you would any other emotion). Feeling anything is not right/wrong...only what you decide to DO with those feelings is where right/wrong enter the picture.

She may feel attracted to this other guy...she might even have a crush or infatuation on him. Well, it happens. Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you'll never feel attracted to anyone else...we are all human. What she chooses to DO with any feelings of attraction is the important part, not that she might or might not feel some attraction.

Other guys are ALWAYS going to pursue your girl, and you just have to depend on her to say "no". Get used to this. You don't have to trust the other guys...the only person you have to trust is your GF. And if she makes a mistake or bad choice and then confesses it to you, or if she confesses to you that she's attracted to him, don't punish her for being honest. If you do, people stop being honest. It's REALLY important to keep the communication with your partner open, even in those cases where you might not like what you're hearing.

Are you accusing me of being mature? Hopefully the mods let you off with a warning...

I'll let it slide this time - just don't let it happen again bro...

Other guys are ALWAYS going to pursue your girl, and you just have to depend on her to say "no". Get used to this. You don't have to trust the other guys...the only person you have to trust is your GF. And if she makes a mistake or bad choice and then confesses it to you, or if she confesses to you that she's attracted to him, don't punish her for being honest.

Click to expand...

Exactly. My g/f even once had a college professor so obsessed with her, to the point I was a little worried about the situation.

She kept saying he was old and "icky" so I wasn't exactly feeling any tinge of jealousy in that situation.

Just within the last several months...

Some guy at a gas station told her she had a "great ass"... like she was going to jump in his car and bang him cause he said that..

She had a guy at Quiznos hit on her as she was buying subs for us... then when I came out of the bathroom he backed off and realized she was with me and finished ringing up her order... she told me what he was doing when we sat down to eat and she laughed about it, so I just had to laugh it off also - what was I going to do? Go fight the guy? He was trying to make his move and thought she was alone - can't be mad at him for that.

When my family and I took my g/f out for her birthday, the waiter kept hitting on her... he thought I was her brother I think. So after I had enough of his player wanna be games, I finally kissed her on the mouth the next time he came over - so he got the point. He got my message and backed off pretty fast.

The one time I did get mad was a very weird situation....

We where having dinner at a restaurant and these three guys who where part of some bachelor party downstairs, came up to our table and asked to take their picture with my g/f...

I just laughed and she looked at me like "DO Something!"

I always promised my g/f I wouldn't flip out in public and start a fight, so I kept my cool, and they stood there for a few minutes begging and pleading... then I had enough and was getting out of my seat and the waitress saw what was happening.. she came over and told them they had to go back downstairs, then she apologized to us.

After everyone left my g/f asked me why I didn't do something earlier.. I explained to her that I was trying to keep my promise of keeping my cool and not starting trouble...

She said well when a guy comes up and asks to "cum in my mouth" I'm allowed to go off on them, and they get what they deserve.

I said what! Hun they asked to take a picture with you - she was like oh! oops! Then she started to laugh and said she would of done that lmao.

If you have a beautiful g/f, you just gotta deal with these kind of things and accept it comes as a package deal of being with her.

Are you accusing me of being mature? Hopefully the mods let you off with a warning...

I'll let it slide this time - just don't let it happen again bro...

...

If you have a beautiful g/f, you just gotta deal with these kind of things and accept it comes as a package deal of being with her.

Click to expand...

Uh-oh, I'm about to use up some more of my quota then! More maturity from Flite, here folks.

The same holds true if you have a beautiful wife. Just because she's married won't stop men from hitting on her.

But you have to keep it in perspective...would you rather be with someone who's so ugly no one else would even look at him or her? :cool I wouldn't. (I used to have one male friend who was so jealous-natured, he always chose the most unattractive girl he could find just so no one else would pay her any attention. Can you say serious insecurities there?) I actually get a kick out of it when other men flirt with my wife. It makes me feel proud of her, and I know it makes her feel good about herself too (and I want her to feel good about herself). I encourage her to flirt back (not that I have to, it's automatic for her!)...after all, flirting's quite fun, and can be done with intention or without intention. She encourages me to flirt and flirt-back too...it's all good. We completely trust each other, and we have never cheated on each other (and never will). It's very liberating and trust-inspiring to both of you to just let your partner be who they are. I think it shows a lot of respect, love, acceptance, and approval for who they are as a person.

I'd much rather have a lovely and alluring woman (like my wife) and let her fight the guys off with a stick (if she needs my help, all she has to do is say so and BD will open the can of whoop-ass if necessary).

But you have to keep it in perspective...would you rather be with someone who's so ugly no one else would even look at him or her? :cool I wouldn't. (I used to have one male friend who was so jealous-natured, he always chose the most unattractive girl he could find just so no one else would pay her any attention. Can you say serious insecurities there?) I actually get a kick out of it when other men flirt with my wife. It makes me feel proud of her, and I know it makes her feel good about herself too (and I want her to feel good about herself). I encourage her to flirt back...after all, flirting's quite fun. She encourages me to flirt and flirt-back too...it's all good. We completely trust each other, and we have never cheated on each other (and never will).

I'd much rather have a lovely and alluring woman (like my wife) and let her fight the guys off with a stick (if she needs my help, all she has to do is say so and BD will open the can of whoop-ass if necessary).

BD

Click to expand...

That's how I feel... I try to make my g/f feel beautiful and tell her almost everyday how sexy beautiful she is... but I know it makes her feel good when other guys find her attractive.

Also, like you said, it is also a turn on to know other guys want my g/f, just sometimes it can be annoying.

However, it isn't her fault that guys like her and hit on her... aside from work, she rarely ever wears provocative clothes when we go out or much makeup... she throws her hair in a pony tail most times... but still gets hit on.

So it isn't like I could even ask her to tone down how she dresses (not that I would). There is not much else you can do except ask her to wear a paper bag on her head and they only give us plastic bags at the store so... don't want her to suffocate to death on my account.

When you are in a committed relationship, the hardest test can be trusting the person you love, but you have to. Especially when she tells me how much money this guy makes, etc.

It can make your confidence waver, but you gotta think of the reasons your girl is with you... showing a lack of self confidence and jealousy will only weaken your relationship with her.

I always told my g/f if you aren't into me just tell me and I'll step down... I won't make problems for you.. stalk you etc.. because I don't ever want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I have too much self respect for that... to ever beg anyone to be with me... I won't ever lower myself down like that.

In the end you have to just trust that your girl can be friends and hang out with other guys... then trust her not to cheat on you.

Click to expand...

You sound just like my husband (and myself). We had our 40th wedding anniversary this year and the trust is STILL there. Great advice.

Gold Member

Even now that we're in our 50's, there's still always a couple of bird dogs zeroing in on her. It did take a while for me to get used to it, but I'd never had a really hot girlfriend before that. Sometimes she enjoys toying with them before eventually leading them to disappointment. We've been together since our early 20's, so no trust issues, but I do keep an eye out for guys carrying it too far. She's a pretty tough cookie too.