Judge Makes Boner Joke; Judicial Conduct Commission Doesn’t Laugh

February 3, 2011

The New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct, where judges go to be judged, is under fire from the State Bar Association. The New York Times reports that a Manhattan lawyer’s group accused the commission of being unfair to judges. Still, of the roughly 1,800 complaints made against New York judges last year, only one was removed by the commission. What offense contributed to this lone dismissal? Why, a penis joke, of course.

Gilbert L. Abramson, a family court judge in Saratoga County, had a series of complaints waged against him for repeatedly jailing people without trial. That didn’t go over well with the commission. Surprisingly, neither did a boner joke the judge made to a woman in treatment court.

The woman, who is referred to only as “Wendy” in the determination, appeared before Judge Abramson in a T-shirt adorned with a picture of a smiling turtle. Cute! Let’s check the record to see what Judge Abramson had to say about it:

JUDGE ABRAMSON: Did you ever see a sad turtle? They’re happy to be like – because that turtle, that’s a turtle on Viagra. It’s erect; it’s smiling. And you never see a sad Mrs. Turtle, because they’re fully satisfied…She’s got the giggles. I’m bringing down the house.

Bringing down the house, indeed! Unfortunately, some people don’t understand such erudite humor. Take the New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct; those dolts wouldn’t know a primo dick joke if it was called before them as a respondent in a misconduct hearing. So Judge Abramson had to explain what he meant:

When he said, “That’s a turtle on Viagra,” he was “implying that it’s a turtle that has an erection” and that when he said ”you never see a sad Mrs. Turtle, because they’re fully satisfied,” he was talking about “sexual satisfaction.” He also agreed that he was “talking about a turtle on Viagra satisfying his wife, Mrs. Turtle, sexually.”

Everyone get it? Good, because five months later, Wendy wore the same shirt to another hearing. What was she thinking? That’s like sitting front row at a Don Rickles show!

JUDGE ABRAMSON: It’s a turtle. It’s a pornographic turtle. You know what the turtle looks like? The guy who does the enzyte[sic] commercial? You know, smiling Bob – you know, for male enhancement, the same goofy smile? I’m just embarrassing the crap out of Wendy.

It’s not easy being embarrassed in court, so it’s nice to have a judge that will help you out with that. When asked to defend his comments to the commission, the Honorable Gilbert L. Abramson had this to say:

I was trying to get her to giggle and relax and take her mind off her presenting issues. And she laughed. That was successful. But it didn’t accomplish what I wanted to do and get her in a better place to deal with her medical issues. That’s what I was shooting for.

He was just trying to use the judicial power of laughter! Guilty, not guilty, we’re all just here to have fun. Unfortunately for Judge Abramson, those uptight lamewads at the Commission on Judicial Conduct found his remarks “grossly inappropriate” and, coupled with the other complaints brought against him, decided he should be “ineligible to hold judicial office in the future.”