Sep 2, 2011

Cock-A-Doodle...Purple

When I walked in, I wasn't quite sure where do go. It's not like I'd never been before, but this was for something new.Something different.

I walked around for a little while. Browsing.

Finally, I found what I was looking for... in the "Fetish" section. Whoa! Never thought I'd consider myself one of those people, but okay. My visual senses were on over-drive. I was surrounded by colourful packaging (although primarily pink and black) all with naked women staring at me with their 'come fuck me' eyes. I could almost feel them breathing on my neck, but not in a sexy way. They were more like wild predators and I was the newbie prey that would soon be devoured.

There they were... all different materials, shapes, number of 'access portals', sizes and of course, price ranges. Holy crap! I might be curious for a little kinky fun but I have my financial limitations, that's for damn sure. I took photos with my phone and texted them to my "expert" friend.

(Click) This one?No.(Click) This one?Probably not.Ooooh... (Click) How about this one?Yes. Excellent.Awesome. Sold.

Fuck, I love technology.

I made my purchase while partaking in some small talk with the sales woman, making sure I had indeed found the right fit for my needs. I really don't think they do returns.

Time went slowly that evening.
The little black bag was calling my name, but it would be hours before I could have a little test fitting.
10pm finally rolled around. Sweet. Time to try on my fancy purchase. Yes, I said "try on". I had purchased my very first strap-on.

Giddy'up mutha fuckers! And it fit like a glove... or rather, like a cock.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel as "masculine" as I was afraid I would feel. It's always been a sensation that I have never been entirely comfortable with; about my own feminine identity and sexuality... ya know... the fact that under my stunningly giant knockers is, in fact, Guillermo Díaz. Yeah, that.

Regardless of how I did or did not feel about the addition of a giant purple cock that now hung between my legs, one thing was certain... it was bloody hysterical.

I'm in the bathroom laughing my fucking ass off, naked, jumping around and watching the silicone cock flail up and down and side to side. Strap-on gymnastics, I tell ya! I needed to share my amusement with my husband, but he was fast asleep.

FUCK IT. How often does this shit happen, seriously!?

I walked over to his side of the bed. He was facing inward and his back was exposed. I was trying incredibly hard not to wake him with my snorting laughter. I would have much rathered that I woke him up with what I was about to do. I crept over...

Then, I began poking him in the back with the dildo, repeatedly.

I got a few grunts and annoyed shrugs. Of course, he had no idea what object I was actually using to poke him with.

I start laughing louder; I'm practically in tears by this point.

He rolled over to discover what it was that I was doing, and what I was wearing.

If you can imagine the sound a human can make that is annoyed, pissed off, furious, shocked, confused, repulsed and drowsy all at the same time, it kinda sounded like this:

And for the record, Jill's interpretation of my face is practically uncanny, since I had taken off my make-up by this point.

Aren't I fucking beautiful when I'm laughing THAT hard? I think the ribbed purple strap-on is nothing but icing, really.

A HUGE thank you to Jill from Yeah.Good Times. for graciously offering up her fine artistic skillsto help me illustrate this story. It just wouldn't have been the same without them. Love ya :)I'm sure everyone knows her by now, but if not, WHY? Go... right now!

LMAO!!!...I don't usually use that LMAO abbreviation in comments, but that's quite literally what I'm doing, only quietly because I don't want to wake my husband lest he start poking me with his thing.I say wear all night and keep bumping into him with it. Let him see how we feel all the damn time! Enjoy!

I'm actually kinda surprised your husband was so surprised...I mean, it's not like this situation was totally out of character for you or anything...lol...Fabulous description though--felt like I was right there, uhm, which was rather uncomfortable yet pretty freakin hilarious.

I'm glad I read this while no one else is at home....I am laughing so hard I'm CRYING!!!! Is that what guys do? Do they jump around when they're alone just letting it flop around like that? I can't believe you poked him with your purple weiner! What are your plans for this grape phallus anyways?

OMG that is the funniest thing I've ever read/seen. I was literally choking trying to hold in my laughter so my co-workers wouldn't hear me. The whole time I kept imagining it was me and my husband. My husband would have reacted the same way and I would have died laughing!

The LOL face almost killed me. Oh how crappy drawings enhance an already funny story. Damn, I feel like buying one just to pull that joke on the Man myself, but...if I go into one of those stores, do I have to dress better, or can I wear my beige capri pants...

That may quite possibly be the best story I have ever read. For real. I was laughing so hard and the pictures really just set it off perfectly. I'm so glad you have found your perfect toy and that it is bringing you so much....joy.... in so many ways!

That was pretty much amazing! You should keep on using the purple strap on and use it to wake him up... and chronicle it. I've never read your blog before, but I will definitely have to keep on reading it! FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!

Bad things start to happen when dirty girls put on strap ons, haha! I'm not much a fan of it myself (it's all cerebral, and what's that at the end of the day?) but I also never got the pleasure of waking up a husband with my penis, so... eh?