Father Mike (Bob): When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore. I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): Gentlemen, I propose that this arts funding is like a milking machine and unless we shut it down, it's gonna rip our dicks right off!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I've got a naked puppet doin' a lewd, lascivious Fandango on the lap of a full-grown man! I got a fella over here, he's churnin' butter. A lady over here dippin' candles...it's like a pioneer porn shop in here! Close 'em down, boys!

Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I wish I could be everywhere that people are doin' art, so that I could keep the public from gettin' aroused...or titillated...or otherwise confused by the counterculture.

Marshall, the 13th apostle (David): God, lemme ask you something: are you happy settling for omnipotence?

Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob): Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome...well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo. Jerry Lewis struggles with it everyday. These people are all very good at what they do...the best ever. Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking - "brilliant man." Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.

Harmon Peterson (Bob): I don't know! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me? No? Can I check back with you every two minutes for sixteen days? Great! Thanks!! Look - when I say there's no new information, that means there's NO NEW INFORMATION! I'm not trying to hide anything on ya, OK?!

Brinks Peterson (David): Trying to get you the news without making a big production out of it.

Ernie (Bob): The super pan is not magical. It will burn you.

Ernie (Bob): She didn't believe me when I said the pan was super.

Ernie (Bob): Oh, Nancy. You cannot fly. Only British people can fly! You shouldn't try to fly, and you shouldn't listen to British people!

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): OK, sir, let's get this straight. Where are you coming from?

Mountain Dougie (David): New Freeland.

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): Where is that?

Mountain Dougie (David): Montana.

Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): So you're already a U.S. Citizen.

Mountain Dougie (David): No, I told you, I'm from New Freeland.

Marijuana smuggler #1 (David): You can't shampoo a shampooer!

Marijuana smuggler #2 (John Ennis): Then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain.

F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): The guard knew he needed to conserve energy...and had had a large dinner.

F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): You said it crime-stick! Those two were a couple of ding-a-lings! ... Now, who wants ice cream? If you want to learn more about how to take back the streets, and how sweet ice cream is, visit any one of my three ice cream-precinct locations.

David: Perhaps I might have picked something up when I was in London a few whiffens past.

Jill Talley: There's no such thing as a talking junkie!

David: Bob's in there fuckin' shit up old-school, and I got kicked OUTTA school!

Mr. Applesway (Bob): Next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!

Great great great grandfather Applesway (Paul F. Tompkins): Look! LOOK!!! An entire wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex. If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman!

Ty McGinty/Mr. Tink/Great great great grandfather Applesway (David/Tom Kenny/Paul F. Tompkins): Could I get some quarters?

Mr. Applesway (Bob): Keep it down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!

Pootie T (David): I ain't got no flyin' shoes.

Gold tooth in "Rap The Musical" (Bob): Well, I'm an old gold tooth, and I'll tell you the truth. I live in the mouth of my homie.

Dr. Ken Schwartz of "No Adults Allowed" (Bob): I tell ya, this generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined...at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could dance, and the Nazis had that song "Eight Days a Week".

Cafe Sidewalk Sign: Dirty Slackers Stay Out!

Nathan, the exotic animal lover (David): Just like I killed Bilbo...and the cockatiel...with a book!

Craig/Jeepers Creepers (David/Jack Black): I was on the eighteenth hole!!!

If You're Going to Write a Comedy Scene, You're Going to Have Some Rat Feces in There [2.4]Edit

"Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Where ideas can hang out - and do whatever!

Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): When you see the new San Francisco, you'll say "San Fran-tastic!"

Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): We are sensitive to the needs of those suffering from homophobia. So in our new San Francisco, we got rid of the dirt, but kept the pansies by creating "Bachelorland".

Reverend Winton Dupree (Bob): I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Satan’s ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would you fuck with Me?!" Now, I’ll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckin' balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin', shit-eatin', cock-suckin', son of a B!" Can I get a fuckin' A?

Text on Poster: Being poor sucks!

Victor, the dumped landlord (Bob): Is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot get up there.

Shamul/Anwar (David/Paul F. Tompkins): I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again! Hey!

Dylan, the pretentious hipster (David): Jupiter's Thunder!!! Rock & Roll is the most criminal of garbages...it is a crutch...it is a crutch! It will never sully my ears!!!

Panzic Poojaran (David): Everyday people go into restaurants, and they...they take the condiments, and they take them and put them on the plate and mix it up and put it in their glass and they dare their friends to drink it. They...they think it is funny. RIGHT NOW I WOULD DRINK IT! AND I WOULD THANK THEM FOR IT!

Panzic Poojaran (David): If I die ... if I die ... tell my people ... to bury me ... in mashed potatoes!

Grandpa Timmy (unknown): And testicular electrocution would be administered to all those who get into monkeyshines!

NASA spokesman (David): We have the technology. The time is now. Science can wait no longer. Children are our future. America can, should, must, and will blow up the moon.

San Francisco protester (Sarah Silverman): We're spending all this money, millions of dollars, to blow up the moon, when there are so many things here on Earth to blow up ... Mount Everest, the North Pole, et cetera. We're earthlings, let's blow up Earth things!

C.S. Lewis, Jr. (Bob): Don't mess around ... with God's America.

Fired employee (David): This is BULLSHIT!!!

Father of streaker Jimmy Montello (John Ennis): I slave 12 hours a day making pepper, to put clothes on your back, so you can go taking them off?!

Carl Espick, editor of Value magazine (David): Did you know that according to Worthington's Law, the opera singer who called himself the "Great" Caruso was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar, the Red Rocker? So, shut up, Caruso!

Carl Espick: In 1995, Steve Peters had no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn't worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does. He goes and gives his money to charity! Now he's about as dumb as Einstein! Way to go, Einstein!

Successful siamese twin (Bob): No! I worked. You sat on my ass and did nothing!

Science program host (Bob): Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as... 24 stars in the cosmos.

Nazi official (David): To say we killed 24 Jews would be an exaggeration.

Salini (David): What's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?

Kedzie Matthews (Tom Kenny): Watch as Mrs. Vila gets half of This Old House in "This Old Divorce"!

Jack Weber (Bob): Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf: hit him in the head with a hammer.

Jack Weber (Bob): Just because a child is defiant doesn't mean they want to overthrow the government. Maybe they just want a cookie, a game, some attention...attention that a drunken father cannot provide...I'm sorry, Tim.

Moe Phelps (Bob): All acting is is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.

Local World News network anchor (Bob): Later tonight, we'll have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip, where Betty McPhee will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog.

Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Do you really think court cases are decided by judges and juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?

John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny): Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?

Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!

Ken Doral, host of the "Pre-taped Call-in Show" (David): If you wanted to talk about pet care, you should have called last week, when our show on racism was airing, but we were taping the pet care show, which is airing now.

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): This is not a playground so leave your lunchboxes at home, as well as your games, and um, jokes, and balls, and riddles.

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): You come in here with heads filled with soup, when you are done with law school, your brain will be like a steel trap with the bloody foot of law inside it, crying out for its mommy!

Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): By the time this class is over, two of you will be murdered. One of you will commit suicide. One of you will get injured…in the leg. Two of you will quit law school because it’s so hard…and you’ll go off to run an apple butter farm.

Pharmacy "customer" (Brian Posehn): I know what you mean...my doctor says I need marijuana to get high.

Hitler (David): Get used to it, Hitler.

Talk show audience member (Jerry Minor): You need to respect the baby, 'cause life is precious... and God... and the Bible.

Unknown speaker: The ghost of Gene Wilder began to prematurely haunt an elderly couple in Maine. When reached for comment, the ghost said "Jesus Christ, how long do I have to wait for this guy to drop? He hasn't done anything for-fucking-ever." Mr. Wilder attempted to reach us to comment, but we wouldn't accept the charges.