ZAPoly Discussion Topic : Safer Sex agreements

Safer Sex agreements : what to consider when drawing them up

Polyamory is a form of responsible non-monogamy: Polyamorists practise
honesty, communication and consent, all of which go into formulating
safer sex agreements. Safer sex practices are a nonnegotiable part of
responsible non-monogamy. Safer sex agreements about safer sex
practices are part of the broader topic of relationship agreements,
they're sufficiently important and complex enough to warrant their own
topic. Many people think that using condoms makes them safe. But while
condoms are an integral part of safer sex practices, especially if
you're going to be having sex with more than 1 person, there's more to
consider:

What happens if the condom breaks?

What happens if you're not using the condom properly?

What
happens if the person you're having sex with has a
SexuallyTransmittedInfection (STI) against which condoms are not 100%
effective? For example, condoms are only 70% effective against HPV - a
common virus that can cause warts and cancer.

Is it okay to have sex --- even with condoms --- with
someone with a potentially lethal STI like HIV?

What
if the person you're with doesn't know they have a STI? Many STIs have
no symptoms. And some symptoms people don’t often realise imply a STI
risk (cold sores are a symptom of HSV1 → can be transmitted to genitals
via oral sex; abnormal pap smears could be from HPV)

What happens if you contract an STI from Bob, your new
boyfriend, and pass it on to Alice, your long-term girlfriend?

What happens if there's an unplanned pregnancy? Unplanned
pregnancies in poly situations are massive drama.

What happens if Bob's wife starts having sex with a new
partner who hasn't been tested for STIs?

What damage do any of the preceding situations do to your
existing relationships?

Ideally,
you should think through all these issues in advance --- before they
happen. Contingency planning is not only a very good idea, it's
responsible. Every person has different comfort levels regarding sexual
activity and risk.. What might be an acceptable risk for one person is
unthinkable to another person. It's necessary to determine if the
people you're in relationships with have compatible comfort levels with
yours. And before you can determine if your comfort levels are
compatible, you need to make sure you're talking about the same things.
For instance:

What is considered 'sex'? What is 'making
out'? No, really. This is a serious question. Unknowingly using
different definitions can lead to much strife.

What is `safer sex'?

What relationship structures are you open to? (closed or
open ones?)

You
have to educate yourself about STIs and how easy or difficult it is to
catch them. You need to think seriously about procreating and how a kid
would fit into your life. Once you have this information, you can start
drawing up your safer agreements.

A lot of the information
available about STI's is written from the viewpoint of a monogamous
relationship. For instance, it's usually implicitly assumed that the
reason why Alice is being tested for STIs is because she wants to be
diagnosed and/or cured. Using STI tests as part of a safer sex
agreement is a bit of a foreign concept.

The next assumption
is that the safest thing to do is to only have 1 sex partner.
Obviously, that's not what polyamorists do. However, polyamorous people
can be safer.

Poly people can be safer via
- some form of negotiated agreement on latex barrier use (condoms and
dental dams and gloves),
-
regular STI testing and
- behaviour modification (example - no sex
before testing, or engaging in only certain kinds of lower risk sexual
activities).

Some people have verbal agreements. Some people
write them down. Some people have simple agreements. Some people have
very complex ones. Some people start out with a very simple safer sex
agreement with their primary, but when they come across situations they
hadn't catered for (for instance, moving away from relatively static
closed relationship configurations to relatively open and dynamic
relationship configurations) their agreement may become more complex.

The following are a list of things to consider and discuss in detail:

birth control

whether STI testing is necessary

whether
latex (or equivalent non-latex e.g nitrile or polyisoprene in the case
of latex allergies/sensitivities) barriers are necessary in all
situations/acts, or only certain situations/acts, and what kind of
barriers, e.g., Condoms, dental dams, gloves.

regularity of scheduled testing in

polyfidelitous (polyfi) situation

non polyfi situations

definition of polyfi and non polyfi situations

specific list of tests (to avoid having an argument about
what constitutes a 'full' set of tests)

lists of acceptable and non-acceptable types of activities
in each safety level

procedure for moving from one safety level to another
(safer and less safe)

procedure for condom break

procedure for accidental pregnancy

procedure for introducing new partners

procedure for fluid exposure (break in skin and contact
with body fluids)

modifications of procedures/behaviours with planned
pregnancy

specific
details of HPV strategy (it is not currently possible to easily test
men for HPV although that may change when the new high risk strain hpv
urine test becomes available in South Africa)

specific details of deadly disease strategy (there are 758 new HIV infections a day in SA)

recommended minimum tests for sex network partners and
minimum information to be shared

what
the scope of your agreement is, e.g., Your own boundaries, an agreement
with your immediate partner(s), an agreement with everyone in your
extended network etc.

Example opinions on STI testing

'I think that in a closed sex network, having tests all-round
when someone new joins the network (and the new person possibly 6
months after that if their last new sexual contact was prior to 6
months before) is probably sufficient. I think all women should have a
minimum of a yearly pap smear test regardless. In an open sex network,
everyone should be tested for STIs every 6 months.'

'Condoms first of all and don't sleep with someone until you
both go for aids tests, and
trust them not to sleep with someone they aren't sure about '

'I get tested once a year, regardless'

'I just assume that everyone has STIs and act accordingly'

Example Deadly disease strategies

'I will not endanger the lives of the people I love by entering into a
new sexual
relationship with someone who has a transmissible deadly disease and I
expect that of my partners as well.'

Example HPV strategies

'I will not have sex with anyone who is currently having abnormal pap
smears, or in
sexual contact directly or by proxy with someone else who is until
there is medical proof that the issues have been resolved.'

'I will be
vaccinated against HPV (gardasil/cervarix) and I will be tested for
known high risk HPV strains as part of my yearly STI testing . I will
have a minimum of yearly pap smear tests unless I am advised against it
due to medical complications. I will not be involved in a sexual
network where female members do not have yearly pap smear tests.'

'I practice what I call HPV boundaries, which effectively eliminates
genital-to-genital contact (at least one of us always keeps our clothes
below the waist on), and for stricter observances, I can remove
oral-to-genital contact, hand-to-genital contact and toy-to-genital
contact. '