The #MeToo Moment: I’m a Straight Man. Now What?

As sexual misconduct continues to dominate the news, we’re providing updates and analysis in a weekly newsletter. Today, Daniel Victor, a reporter who covers breaking news and culture, writes on the conversations he’s heard recently among men. Tell us what you think at nytgender@nytimes.com, and sign up here to receive future installments of this newsletter.

Ten men, ranging in age from their 20s to 50s, arranged their chairs in a circle. The only woman in the group, a sex educator who had organized the gathering, promised not to speak.

The event — called “I’m a Straight Male. Now What?”— was branded as a place for men to “unpack aggression” and share “not-so-politically correct thoughts” in the midst of the cultural moment that has become highly politicized. The men who’d shown up — among them a marketer, a journalist, a podcaster and an organizer of sex-play events — were encouraged to say to each other what they were uncomfortable saying publicly about #MeToo. It took place in a small event studio in downtown Manhattan.

“There is a sense that women want us to be talking about it: ‘Guys, go figure it out,’” said Bryan Stacy, the co-founder of a sexual health app and one of the event’s hosts. He encouraged the participants to tap into their feelings as a way to release any simmering frustration, anger, fear or confusion.

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CreditStephanie Keith for The New York Times

The resulting discussion mirrored the private discussions that I’ve observed many men, including my friends, having over the past few months.

First, there was an acknowledgment that men are important allies in the #MeToo movement — they have an ability to call out bad behavior when they (we) see it. (Bystander intervention, as my colleague Claire Cain-Miller has written, is one of the few prevention mechanisms that actually works.)

Second, the men wondered how they could participate without being viewed as disingenuous — or elbowing out female voices. They sensed they could do more to help, but didn’t know how.

Lastly, they wondered: How should they be assessing their own past behavior in this brave new world?

One man, a former human-resources director, said he was reported for harassment in the ‘90s — unfairly, he believed — when he told a female colleague that “You were in my dream last night.” He didn’t mean it sexually, he said.

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CreditStephanie Keith for The New York Times

Another said that while he logically knew that false accusations are rare, he couldn’t help but worry that it could happen to him.

Some men said they saw a lot of themselves in Aziz Ansari, the actor who recently was accused in an online article of ignoring the verbal and nonverbal cues of a former date. In the article, she described his behavior as sexual assault. They wondered if and how often they missed those cues themselves.

At times, it seemed the men were seeking validation as much as solutions. As they revisited their own possible missteps and complicity, they said they were wrestling with the distinction between “I am a bad person” and “I made a mistake.”

“We’re all kind of guilty to an extent,” one of the men said.

As the men unloaded, the event’s female organizer, who goes by a pseudonym, “Lola Jean,” sat silently as promised. She said that while she disagreed with some of what she heard, she felt it was important for men to air their apprehensions — with the goal of better understanding how to address them.

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CreditStephanie Keith for The New York Times

“Ultimately, I believe it’s going to be men helping men in order to be better humans, better allies and better advocates,” she said.

What Readers Are Saying … About Men

“I’d like to see more discussion about how men are supposed to behave in various situations, and especially how they (and women) can flirt and pursue without frightening or pissing off the object of their desire. People are saying a lot about what they don’t want while assuming men always know what they do want. Let’s help them out. Positive, clear direction is just what Ansari’s partner did not provide. Let’s not continue to make that mistake.” — Janet C., Virginia

“Of course young women like ‘Grace’ can and should learn to speak up more clearly, protect themselves more carefully, and leave more quickly. But why is that the main takeaway? Why is it always a woman’s obligation to avoid getting raped? Why isn’t it at least as important to teach boys and men not to be rapists/harassers/boorish bad dates?.” — Denell Downum, New York

“I agree that imitating Mike Pence is not the best of outcomes. If I were back supervising women in an office setting, though, I am almost certain that I would be much more guarded now. I probably would think twice about suggesting lunch or any other get together with women colleagues and particularly women on my staff. This is not a desirable situation, although I would prefer it for my granddaughters and great-granddaughters to the worst of past practice.” — John Fremer, New Jersey

We Want to Hear From You

Men, to what extent are you struggling with the current cultural reckoning? Do you feel comfortable talking about your concerns — and if not, why? How should men be thinking about their role in perpetuating abuse — or working to end it? Email us on this or other thoughts at nytgender@nytimes.com.