Contents

Function

Blood flows throughout the body, just as my soul flows throughout the universe. Wow. As blood flows through the heart, the heart heats it to the apropriate temperature. This prevents your brain from freezing, though this can be cured by drinking Slurpees, slushies or even Icees.

The heart is able to do this because it contains all of the love within the body. This is why people in cold countries (such as Swedes and Eskimos) are such affectionate people, since if they stop loving they'll freeze to death. People from hot countries such as Mexico can afford to be less loving, which is why they won't return my calls.

Heart sounds

The heart is often known to produce beating sounds while it is working. It is an excellent drummer, and regularly strikes two large drums in quick succession. This rhythmic beat hypnotizes the red blood cells into dancing in a giant conga line throughout the body's veins and arteries, which keeps the blood moving. If the heart ever stops beating its drums, the music stops as well. This causes the angry red blood cells to start a riot, often leading to death.

Other sounds are possible as well. Once in a while, the heart might murmur while beating its drums. This is a potentially serious medical condition, since it means the heart might possibly be distracted and can't keep playing the proper rhythm. Disciplining it with a large jolt of electricity often helps tell it to stop slacking off.

Diseases of the heart

Hypothermia

Caused by conditions of extreme cold. The blood cools, causing the heart to become depressed and shut down. Treatment requires immediate heartwarming, such as Disney movies, or exposure to puppies.

A terrible condition in which the heart grows up to three sizes in a day. This can cause the lungs to collapse. In extreme cases, the chest can burst open like in Alien, except instead of an alien out pops a heart. There is no known cure. Please give generously to the Grinch Foundation.

Also known as Mother Theresa's Malady, Osmondism or Jimmy Carter's Disease. Caused by excessive niceness, the patient becomes literally "all heart". With no ribcage for protection or stomach to digest food, the patient soon dies.

Heart/Spork Disorder

A rare condition, believed to be caused by being brutally stabbed in the heart with a spork. The only known cure is to prevent anyone stabbing you in the heart with a spork. This is why I always keep a shotgun loaded, and never leave my shack.

See also

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Did you know...

Some humans are said to be "heartless" and, therefore, have no heart. In its place are a bunch of rocks.