Wednesday, March 11, 2015

March Secret Agent #27

TITLE: Court of Dark and Light
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Odelia dreamt a river of blood. She stood in the middle of it, the blood gushing over her feet and soaking her white robe to the knees, turning it a sickly red. She doubled over, gripping her stomach, crying out as a sharp, burning pain ripped through her. Blood oozed over her hands as she gasped for breath.

“You will die like your mother,” a woman snarled.

Odelia’s head shot up. Her Aunt Tabitha stood in the distance, a dagger dripping with fresh blood in her hand. The river flowed from a mountain of dead bodies behind her, and atop them was Odelia’s father, the king. A strangled cry escaped Odelia’s lips, her eyes widening. Black feathers rained from the sky and Odelia tilted her head back to see a winged man hovering above the bodies. His cold, pitiless smile sent a chill through her, bone deep.

“We are coming,” he warned. “And your people will fall.”

#

The chamber filled with a thick haze. The Dark Prince emerged from within it, stepping up to the dreaming princess. He pressed his fingers against her forehead, reading her dream. He frowned; why were young females always chosen? Did He honestly think this one could defeat him when all others had failed?

The princess lurched under his fingers as he drew the dream from her mind, her eyes fluttering open and rolling back into her head.

7 comments:

This a fascinating first page and the writing is beautiful. I'm always intrigued by dark princes so that part really hooked me. I have to say I skimmed the dream a little because it didn't have any context. I didn't know who Odelia was, where she was, or how/why her dream was important. I wonder if you could start with the prince bending over the dreaming princess and show us snippets as he's either reading the dream or stealing it? Just a thought, and it's truly excellent anyway. I would absolutely read on.

This left me curious what the story is about! I like your writing. I think you could tighten this up. For instance, delete "a woman snarled," and "You will die like your mother" will have even more of an impact. For the second part, maybe just start with "The Dark Prince emerged from the thick haze." Removing those extraneous things might give your story more of a punch and get rid of any sentences slowing it down.

I found this very intriguing. I like the concept and your writing style. The only thing I would say is maybe slow down the beginning just a bit. The part from where the mountains enter on is a lot of visual information and it moves very fast without giving us much time to really appreciate the full creepiness and eeriness of the scene you've created.

I read the other comments after posting mine and I have to say that I love Nicole's idea of starting with the prince and princess, then show us the dream, maybe through his eyes as he sees it. I think that would give it another layer and would have a much deeper impact.

I read the other comments after posting mine and I have to say that I love Nicole's idea of starting with the prince and princess, then show us the dream, maybe through his eyes as he sees it. I think that would give it another layer and would have a much deeper impact.

I found this very intriguing. I like the concept and your writing style. The only thing I would say is maybe slow down the beginning just a bit. The part from where the mountains enter on is a lot of visual information and it moves very fast without giving us much time to really appreciate the full creepiness and eeriness of the scene you've created.

I don't know that my impression here is going to be overly helpful because I'm guessing the dreams are a large part of your narrative, but I always find it very difficult to feel invested in a character's dreams, especially when that is my introduction to a character. I feel like I don't have a very good sense, at this point, of what this story is or who the players are. This could be my personal taste speaking, but I would advise you not to start out with a dream. You did capture my interest with the prince, though!