A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.

What do you do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra".
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn
up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly
trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his baton to
bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."

Once upon a time, there was a blind rabbit and blind snake, both living in the same neighborhood. One beautiful day,
the blind rabbit was hopping happily down the path toward his home, when he bumped into someone. Apologizing
profusely he explained, "I am blind, and didn't see you there." "Perfectly all right," said the snake, "because I am blind,too, and did not see to step out of your way." A conversation followed, gradually becoming more intimate, and finally
the snake said, "This is the best conversation I have had with anyone for a long time. Would you mind if I felt you to
see what you are like?" "Why, no," said the rabbit. "Go right ahead." So the snake wrapped himself around the rabbit
and shuffled and snuggled his coils, and said, "MMMM! You're soft and warm and fuzzy and cuddly...and those ears!
You must be a rabbit." "Why, that's right!" said the rabbit. "May I feel you?" "Go right ahead." said the snake, stretching
himself out full length on the path. The rabbit began to stroke the snake's body with his paws, then drew back in disgust. "Yuck!" he said. "You're cold...and slimy... you must be a conductor!"

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said. "Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?""This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.""And the other?" said the customer. "This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000." "Holy moly! What does that one do?" "Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians as they were of him.
As he left the rehearsal room, the timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing
some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his
watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring
this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was
no 1:30 train to London.