The Royal Baby And The Media

Pippa Will Prevent The Pregnancy With A Time Machine And Her Bum

Newspapers will suggest that certain foreign fruits or vegetables will give Kate’s baby a strange illness in its toes, meaning it will never be able to wear nice British shoes.

Despite living apart, her in a South Wales end terrace, him in an RAF sea rescue helicopter, news came this week that Kate Middleton has been made pregnant by her husband Prince William. A nation rejoiced and warm wishes flooded in for the famously down-to-earth-when-it-comes-to-accepting-flowers couple. Our future king had achieved orgasm during penetrative sexual intercourse. Not for himself, but for all of us. It’s marvellous news, as is the birth of any child into a loving home. It also sent the world’s press into a violent news prolapse.

When William’s mother, the late Princess Diana, announced that she was pregnant with her first born, the media celebrated by chasing her around at high speed with loads of really bright lights until she died. That’s not really an option anymore. Actually that’s a lie. It is an option until David Cameron listens to the recommendations of the Leveson Inquiry, which he ordered at huge expense. But it would probably be frowned upon.

Newspapers are going to have to invent new ways of covering the birth. By the time you read this, someone will already have cobbled together William and Kate’s faces using Photoshop in a bid to predict what the child will look like aged five. The results of those things always look like a sucked Tom Cruise.

Celebrity gossip magazines will invent stories about how a jealous Pippa Middleton is planning to steal her sister’s limelight with her own big announcement. This will be difficult for her, unless her announcement is that she’s invented a time machine and plans to travel back to the conception to prevent the Royal orgasm somehow, perhaps using her bottom. It’s a plan, the lad’s mags will point out, that she clearly hasn’t thought through.

Fashion magazines will obsess over Kate’s ‘baby body’, with their own discussion from experts about how a sad Kate is desperate to shift her baby weight BEFORE the birth has even finished. At least one will carry an exclusive on Kate’s controversial decision to be hypnotised into believing she doesn’t have a mouth, stomach or rectum, meaning eating will never present a problem ever again.

Some newspapers will suggest that certain fruits or vegetables from abroad will give Kate’s baby a strange illness in its toes, meaning it will never be able to wear nice British shoes. It will also be able to get this illness from furniture, medicine and people. Some newspapers will suggest that it’s time for the Monarchy to be abolished, unless everyone with a British passport is allowed into the hospital to watch the new child emerge from the birth canal. Some websites, like this one, will publish articles like this, BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ROYAL BABY.

But in truth we’ll know nothing beyond the fact that a happy young couple have brought a son or daughter into the world. And that’s probably enough.