A Holiday Shopping Strategy

The annual shopping frenzy is upon those of us who call the United States home. There will, no doubt, be several articles written and spoken by wordsmiths and speechmakers alike all across the land decrying the commercialism of the season. These written and verbal lamentations will denounce those of us who will do anything necessary to get the exact presents desired by their dear family.

I will not do that here. Instead, I seek, in this short treatise, to equip those of you who chose to participate in activities such as “Black Friday” or any other shopping day that lies between Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. Herewith are the tools and strategies you, dear reader, will need to successfully survive those days.

A GAS MASK. These can be obtained from any Army surplus store or an industrial supply company. This is an absolute necessity in those cases when your target item is a video game or perhaps the latest version of a game console. Do ensure that the filters are current and work against pepper spray and/or tear gas, these being the weapon of choice among “competitive shoppers.”

STEEL TOED BOOTS will protect your feet in the initial onslaught into a big box store. They should be 15” boots at the minimum for the added protection of one’s shins. Competitive shoppers use these in an offensive mode. Personally, I do not recommend using these as a weapon of attack unless, of course, the target item is the last one on the shelf.

A DOWN FILLED COAT is the perfect thing to add padding to your upper torso when jostling in a crowd. It does limit your ability to throw a timely punch but, then again, the padding will limit, if not eliminate, any bruising you may incur from one or more competitive shopper. It also helps you conceal the next tool.

FLAK JACKETS should only be worn when going to a really large, ultra gigantic big box store located near certain rough parts of town and all prisons. The competitive shoppers in these areas are tough; battle hardened, and they play for keeps. They have been known, on a few very isolated occasions, to carry multiple weapons to include pepper spray, lead pipes, and expired make-up.

A BODY GUARD is a great additional tool to escort you from and to your car. There are competitive shoppers out there who, having failed to gain their targets, will stalk and rob successful shoppers in the parking lot. Walking to your car with a large, angry man will, in most cases, guarantee a safe escape.

I hope you find this advice of great use while you seek to make this Christmas the best your family has ever had. I remain, respectfully yours.

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