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A Week Closing Rant on the Inherent Difficulties in Finding Employment

I have been looking for work for almost five months now. I have a job, but it’s very part-time and, as such, I have a lot of time on my hands. This time is filled with looking for jobs, spending hours completing individualised job applications with every essence of my heart and soul and being rejected for said jobs, eating and drinking my blues away, feeling like a directionless burden, wondering why I wasted my time. It can be depressing existence, filled with the ups and downs of potential futures never realised. The Weeping Angels would be having a feast on all of this potential energy. Sometimes I haven’t got enough experience. Other times I’m overqualified. Either way, I haven’t been able to land so much as an interview as yet.

So it’s at this point where I feel I need to change my angle of attack. I’m doing it wrong. All employers sift through hundreds of applications with every job they advertise (my most recent rejection was for an entry-level pathology job that had over 140 applicants, most with 5-20 years knowledge. If they’re applying for entry-level positions, I’m automatically boned). Such sifting must be excessively soul crushing and dull, which matches with what my resume and cover letters exude. I need to stand out. I need to pep up their lives and make them feel special! So I’ve decided to try a new take on applying for jobs. As such, I have developed the following:

Hi Friend!

You have a job that needs a jobee. Luckily, I’m a jobee who needs a job! I’d like to propose a partnership: I’ll come and do the jobs you need doing around your workplace and you can pay me money for my time. That way, I will feel good about myself because I will have some sort of purpose (other than rocking out with my guitar at lunchtime and annoying my elderly neighbours) and you won’t have to worry about constructing a biomechanical life form to complete tasks for you. Or we could construct such a being together and fulfil another Star Trek prophecy by creating an android. Together, we can achieve anything!

I have many useful skills. My main skill is that animals take an instant liking to me. You know you can trust a person that animals like! I also run well; an important skill as there is bound to be a zombie apocalypse soon. I know this apocalypse thing is cliché, but it’s likely enough that individuals need to take steps to ensure they’re ready. I’m also good at Science. I even had a friend endorse me for Science on LinkedIn once. I might be able to one day find a cure for the zombies, but chances are we’ll just have to let that one run its course.

Even if the apocalypse never comes, I’m sure we would still be friends at work. We may even become out-of-work friends and play board games and drink whiskey together. Like Elton John and Bernie Taupin, together we could build an empire filled with catchy hooks and oversized glasses. I am ready to be the jobee that will lead you to victory.