I could fall in love with Jane Hunter,
I have never met her, she might be a munter,
But if I could turn back the callous hands of time,
Her success, her money and wines would be mine.

After all, if her wines are a personification of her true self, then surely she must be gorgeous, tasty, exciting, full-bodied and just a little tarty (in a nice discreet way)?

But, probably, I would not ask her to hurry the wines to my cellar because, having tried her Sauvignon Blanc for the last few vintages, I think it tastes much better after a year or more of ageing. I know this flouts convention, that NZ Sauvignon Blancs should be drunk within a year.

There is much competition amongst Kiwi winemakers these days. Since the success of Cloudy Bay, ten thousand maniac (give or take a few thousand) imitators have gradually eroded the price of Marlborough gooseberry cat-pissers. I got my 2009 Hunter’s from the Wine Society (£10.50) at barely a gnat’s fart more than the price of the 2006 (£9.95).

The 2009 is a bit two dimensional. Gooseberry and sugar. It is zingy but bland, if that is not too much of an oenological oxymoron.

Nonetheless, from previous experience, I suggest you buy a few bottles and lay them down for, oh I don’t know, twelve to twenty four months and I am sure you will see massive improvement.

Looking for alcohol to numb the pain of having to watch Strictly Come Dancing, I tangoed across to my wine rack to find something easy drinking, fruity and cheap, like Craig Breville-Toaster

I found this Côtes de Thongue from the Wine Society at a mere £4.95. Made in the increasingly popular South of France, a region that most wine merchants are pushing as recession friendly gluggers, this stands out as something more sincere. Cheaper than a budgie’s twitter, but tastier than a topless bird on a St Tropez beach, this smells and tastes of two childhood sweets: Pear drops and pineapple cubes. Don’t expect fine wine at this price but I’ve tasted many uglier wines at double the Roubles. And as for Strictly – is it still on?????

At some point in your life, birthdays stop being beacons shining light on a promising future and instead become lamp posts illuminating yesterday’s gloomy streets. A time to look back longingly at your youth and wonder what might have happened if you hadn’t bought that Ford Escort with the faulty brakes, or kissed that fat bird with dentures behind the bike sheds at school.

But the lacerations eventually healed and I was able once again to enjoy eating the sweets of my generation without the nightmare of that mousetrap snog to haunt my tongue.

Buying an iPhone is a bit like getting married to Pamela Anderson and then finding out she’s done a porno. Almost everything is exquisite, near perfect, round, supple and enticing. But you quickly start finding out that a few assumptions you made were wrong, and everyone knew but you.

Amongst the longest wine names you can find on a bottle belong to Concha y Toro…

Concha y Toro Winemaker’s Lot 9T Sauvignon Blanc Lo Ovalle Vineyard D.O. Casablanca Valley by Ignacio Recabarren 2007 is all the information you get on the front of the bottle. There is a little more info on the back but it’s all claptrap by the Wine Society who charge £6.95 for an odd shaped bottle of this Chilean white wine.

Actually, the wine is super value for money and would give many a NZ Sauvignon a run for its honey, although this one was more grass, gooseberry, grapefruit and red cherryade. The only thing missing is a good dose of cat’s piss (yes, just one this time).

Once again – Concha y Toro proves itself to be one of the big wine brands to trust.

Under pressure from my peers at work to get a push email device, I quickly rejected the Samsung Omnia and, less readily, the Nokia N96, so that left me with a technological fruit cocktail to contend with: Apple or Blackberry.

I’ve been a Nokia man since I switched from an ancient Ericsson in the early 1990s. I was an early adopter of mobile phones on account of working in a disaster planning role. Oh how we laughed in those early days as we ate in a curry house in Bingley enduring super slow service. I had an idea. I pulled out my brick shaped device, telephoned the restaurant and ordered the bill to much guffawing from other customers. Doesn’t sound so stupid nowadays but phones then were primitive, and I was the only person in the resto, possibly in the whole village, that had such a bulge in my pants.

Pungent nose, zingy flavour but slightly flat aftertaste – like a Szechuan hot and sour soup. Not as fruity as some NZ Sauvignons but this Martinborough wine is appealing nonetheless. Slightly different style with a bit of steel and hints of Chablis in that sense. Palliser Estate Sauvignon Blanc 2007 used to be available from the Wine Society for £9.50 but a quick search of their website reveals rien. Perhaps it’s out of stock.

Good evening credit crunchers, how are your bank shares doing? Yes I know, mine too. With the sole exception of HSBC. With a much higher than average capital ratio, HSBC shares have risen 4% this year, whilst other banks (e.g RBS, HBOS) have tanked to one fifth of their recent value, and my old mate, Mr Bradford is owned by the British Government whilst erstwhile Mr Bingley has emigrated to Santander in Spain. Luckily I sold B & B at about £2 while the credit crunch was a mere cream cracker. They traded at 20 pence on the day they were nationalised. I would have sold all my shares, but which bank could you trust your cash with?

It is not just banks, all capital expenditure has been frozen at a corporate and personal level. How many people do you know buying a new car at the moment? A new phone? A new TV? Heating oil? Food? Chateau Latour? Nope. The world is frozen with fear and we are riding an apocalyptic stallion of self fulfilling prophecy into a deep depression.

And if you want to dig yourself out of a depression, you will need cheap alcohol as your spade. You could do worse than trying to cheer yourself up with this New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc, at £8.95 from the Wine Society, a mere fraction of the price of the Cloudy Bay you used to drink in better times.

Auntsfield Long Cow 2007 is pale, grassy and full of cats’ piss. (For the keen grammatinarianisticians amongst you, the pungency is such that I think there was more than one cat). The acidity, though, is good and there is plenty of white fruit.

For the few remaining bulls amongst you, if your bank shares are still heading south, (and you can no longer sell them short), why not take a long position on this cow?

Craggy Range Te Muna Road Sauvignon Blanc 2007 is the very metaphor for cats’ piss on a gooseberry bush. Except these Martinborough cats mistook a pineapple tree for the green and prickly one.

Available from the Wine Society at £12.50. It’s a good slurp but I think there are better value SBs available from New Zealand, and indeed, the Wine Society. Check out John Hancock’s Trinity Hill at only £8.50, for example.