Grinch: What if it's a cash-bar? How dare they? Alright, I'll go, but I'll be fashionably late.

NC (voiceover): (sighs) Just because you can make faces doesn't mean that you should.

Can't you once say a line like a normal person would?

(Grinch acting and sounding like he's dying)

NC (voiceover):(sighs) Didn't you take anything from the great Boris Karloff?

You sound like Sean Connery if his nostrils just fell off!

Grinch: Those Whos are hard to frazzle, Max. But we did our worst, and that's all that matters.

(Cut to clip of Sean Connery from SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy played by Darrell Hammond)

Sean Connery: Only on account of villainy.

(Cut back to film)

NC (voiceover): But little Cindy Lou wants to find out about him.

If I was her, I'd avoid him at every single whim.

Cindy Lou: Where did he come from?

Clarnella: Oh, well, he came the way all Who babies come.

[On calm nights, baby Who girls and tiny Who fellas drift from the sky in their own Pumbercellas.]

Baby Grinch: Ahhaah.

NC (voiceover): So we see the Grinch as a small little baby.

That, or, perhaps, a young Gary Busey maybe.

As he grows up even older and we see school's at hand.

He looks like Gizmo if he was thrown in the washer with a green crayon.

Martha May Who: Although I hardly remember him. I didn't have time to socialize. (cut to young Martha May licking a lollipop, looking at young Grinch) I was far too busy with my (beat) studies.

NC (voiceover): We see a girl who likes him, [I] guess she has a thing for green, too.

(Cut back to NC)

NC: (leans in toward camera) You think that's weird? I know a chick who has a thing for blue.

(Picture of Lindsay Ellis a.k.a the Nostalgia Chick along with a picture of Nightcrawler from X-Men are shown. Cut back to the movie)

Augustus MayWho: You don't have a chance with her. You're 8 years old, and you have a beard!

(Class starts laughing and pointing fingers at him)

NC (voiceover): So the Grinch was made fun of for being so damn hairy.

Boy, who'd've thought the guy from Passions (Picture of Josh Ryan Evans is shown) would be more subtle than Jim Carrey?

Young Grinch: What a lovely family heirloom!

NC (voiceover): So he makes her a gift out of all that he saved,

but then he thinks that maybe he should give himself a shave.

So he goes ahead and shaves his chin and it leaves a couple knicks,

and for some reason, that gets the class laughing all like hicks.

Young Grinch:(walks up to the front of his desk where he had put Martha May's gift and throws it to the wall) STUPID PRESENT!

NC (voiceover): Is it me or are the Whos just WHOrrible creatures?

They show us the true meaning of Christmas in this feature?

Even the teacher is laughing. Dude, what's up with that?

It's not that funny, lady. She's as contrived as those brats.

(Cut to the Grinch climbing up Mount Crumpit)

Young Grinch: I hate Christmas! I HATE IT!!

(Back out from young Grinch and dissolve to the Grinch of now with Anthony Hopkins' narration following)

Narrator (movie): So, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave, hating the Whos.

(Cut to NC)

NC: Wait a minute! Whatever reason!? Dude, are you high?

(Cut back to movie)

NC (voiceover): THEY JUST TOLD YA THE REASON, YA DUMB STUPID GUY!

It's because he was mocked all the way from the start!

(Cut back to NC)

NC: What, did you just fall asleep at that part??!!

(Back to movie)

NC (voiceover): So they look for a ringleader, a "Cheermeister" they say,

to take on the role just before Christmas Day.

Cindy Lou Who: "The Cheermeister is the one who deserves a backslap or a toast, and it goes to the soul at Christmas who needs it most." And I believe that soul is the Grinch.

Other Whos: She's right.

(They applaud her)

NC (voiceover): So Cindy tells the Grinch in his Grinchy Grinch lair

--Dude, do her parents ever accompany her anywhere?

Grinch: HOW DARE YOU ENTER THE GRINCH'S LAIR?! THE IMPUDENCE! THE AUDACITY! THE UNMITIGATED GALL! Another unmistakable sign of the heebie-jeebies! Now, you're doomed!

NC (voiceover):(sighs) So if you're a strange person, for one reason or another,

who likes to watch men act like Snarf's deformed brother,

then this scene's for you. I'm so filled with glee.

Now, please, never make eye contact with me.

Grinch:WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?

Cindy Lou Who: (confidentially) I came to invite you... to be "Holiday Cheermeister."

NC (voiceover): So the Grinch heads on down, he'll be glad that he did.

Because this scene happens...

(Scene of Grinch landing on Martha May's chest shows, Cut back to NC)

NC:(sarcastically) You know, for kids!

NC (voiceover): So they force him to party and have a good time,

but one certain present starts to eat at his mind.

A razor, it appears to have dampered his cheer.

It didn't make sense then and it really doesn't here.

Grinch: This whole Christmas season is...stupid! Stupid! STUPID! (Cut to the Grinch holding, you guessed it) Mistletoe. Now, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! Boiiiiiiiiinggggg! (waggles a bit of mistletoe over his backside)

NC (voiceover): Dr. Seuss would be proud, this is what he intended:

Mistletoe butts for moms to get offended.

And Jim Carrey's range once again is in stock!

Can you believe he used to talk from his ass? I'm shocked!

(Cut to Grinch breathing fire on the Christmas tree in town as the Whos run in terror)

NC (voiceover): So the Grinch goes crazy and starts attacking the folks.

Mayor:(asleep) Martha, have you ever kissed a man whose lost his tonsils twice?

Grinch:(female voice) No, silly! (Mayor kisses the air as The Grinch picks up Max) But it's an experience that I've always longed for. Kiss me, you fool!

(He then proceeds to put Max's rear onto the Mayor's lips resulting in Max getting bug-eyes and wiping his butt on the floor and the Mayor is shown with a smile on his face)

(Cut to NC with a disgusted look on his face)

NC:(disgusted) Really, film? Really? You had to go there?

(Cut back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): The Arrested Development guy kissing a dog's derrière?

Did your five-year-old decide to start writing this part?

(as a little kid) "Kissing dog's anuses? Ha-ha! This is high art!"

(Back to NC)

NC:(normal) Now, just to clarify: this is the Christmas classic you all love?

(Back to movie)

NC (voiceover): A dog's ass? A guy's lips pleasantly shoved?

Have you gone crazy or totally insane?

How can this scene cause none of you pain?

What the hell would PETA say for this little canine?

NC: Oh, hell, as long as he's not wearing a Tanooki suit, it's fine.

NC: (voiceover) So as the film promised, he steals the holiday,

which puts all the Whos in alarming dismay.

Mayor Augustus:(yelling) Invite the Grinch, destroy Christmas! (chuckles) You choose to listen to a little, not-to-be-taken-seriously....(stops and looks at Cindy Lou with serious eyes) girl.

NC: (voiceover) It takes them a while, oh, five minutes or more,

to realize that Christmas doesn't come from a store.

Lou Lou Who: I'm glad he took our presents. (Crowd looks at Lou in shock) You can't hurt Christmas, Mr. Mayor, because it isn't about the-the gifts. (Crowd awes) I don't need anything more for Christmas than this right here, (walks toward his wife and children and they go to him) my family. (Cindy Lou hugs her father as everyone says Merry Christmas to each other)

NC: (voiceover) You know, I kinda like the original. (cut to 1966 cartoon version) Yeah, I know, big surprise.

But it made sense that they already knew where Christmas lies,

for nothing could dampen it, and that was uplifting. (cut back to movie) Here, there's blaming and yelling before they start shifting.

The message is there, but it doesn't stand as tall.

And if you can't remake it better, WHY REMAKE IT AT ALL?!!!

(Cut to the Grinch)

Grinch: Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more.

(He suddenly feels a thump in his heart, flies back into some rocks, and starts acting crazy)

NC: (voiceover) Wow. Way to ruin such a touching little scene.

Good God, for a moment, I almost saw a subtlety.

(The Grinch starts sobbing)

NC: (voiceover) That's right. Keep yelling. Make faces like a whore.

It's lasted the whole movie. We can take a bit more!

(The Grinch then sees a light in the sky)

NC: (voiceover) So, God's in this movie? Well, that I didn't know.

Does he say ...

(Clip from The Truman Show)

Christof: I am the creator of a television show.

Cindy-Lou Who: Hi, Mr. Grinch!

NC: (voiceover) So with a smile from Cindy and a ... pedo-smile from him,

(We fade out from the Christmas feast to show Mount Crumpit as the movie ends)

NC: That's the film. Oh, my GOD! Could it be any longer?!

I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger.

Well... maybe you could shorten it, by an hour or two. ("30 minutes" is shown imposed on Howard's Grinch movie poster)

And maybe some bright colors for a friendlier view. (clip from the remake shown with colors brightening)

A more subtle actor might be anticipated. (image of Jim Carrey being replaced with an image of Boris Karloff)

And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated? (Howard's Grinch movie poster replaced with TV special movie poster)

Yes, those are the changes that I would insist. [Beat]

Oh, wait, we don't need to. IT FUCKING EXISTS!

[Clips from the movie are shown as NC speaks]

NC: (voiceover) The original was fine, spend your time watching that.

Much better than this horrifying crap in a hat!

It's downright unpleasant, unbearable, unfunny.

Nothing in this movie seems colorful or sunny.

It's not fun to look at, it's not fun to watch.

How on Earth did this classic get so goddamn botched?

NC: I really hate this movie, and you know what? So should you!

I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!

(The Critic then runs down the hall and types at his computer)

NC: Ho, ho!

Narrator: Said the Grump, uploading his hit.

NC: They're finding right now that this movie is shit.

They're watching right now. I know just what they'll do.

Their mouths will hang open for a moment or two,

and then, they'll cry "The genius of You-Know-Who."

Now those are reactions that I simply must read.

Narrator: He went to the comments to take a look and see.

But the reactions he got didn't seem very sad.

If anything, these reactions seemed rather... glad.

(He then sees all the positive comments from people who genuinely like the movie. The comments include, "I liked the Grinch...DON'T JUDGE ME!", "I actually like the Grinch", "I should explain WHY I like the Grinch movie", "The Grinch is actually a masterpiece", "I actually quite like the Grinch. I guess you could call that my guilty pleasure.", "OH CRITIC, BUT I LOVE GRINCH", and "The Grinch? But that's a great movie!")

Narrator: They still loved the movie from beginning to end.

There was no one to anger, upset, or offend.

(Clips from the movie are shown once more)

Narrator: He didn't stop the people from liking it. They loved it.

Somehow or other, it was still just as beloved.

(NC puts his hand on his cheek in dismay)

Narrator: And the Grump, feeling like he's been horribly conned, sat puzzling and puzzling.

NC: WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!? They like Mistletoe butt! (clip of that is shown)

They like boobs being harassed! (clip from that is also shown)

They like seeing a PERVERT KISS A DOG'S ASS! (Lastly, the clip for that is shown)