MINDSOLUTIONSUK

Relationship Counselling

Often, what I hear is 'We've tried everything - counselling is our last resort'

Problems arise in relationships for many reasons, but particularly when the people involved have been brought up with different family experiences of sharing their emotions, this can lead to the couple experiencing communication problems. Although these are fundamental differences they can create patterns of recurrent arguments, ie: one demanding, the other stonewalling and so never actually resolving anything, which can lead to frustration and a vicious circle.

It could be that rows/arguments are part of your everyday life, where one partner often asks the other about their feelings/concerns about something. Enabling someone to talk about what is affecting them can work with the right attitude. But this approach could be seen as nagging, if not done sensitively with someone who is not used to being open about their feelings.

When is the right time

Far too many couples leave relationship counselling or marriage guidance counselling until it's too late. Years and years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt again blocks out any chance of change. It is important to seek help with your relationship problems as early as possible.

If you're experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counselling:

When talking to your partner, is like talking to a brick wall.

Your conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.

You feel frustrated and confused after discussions with your partner.

You can't talk for more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.

You're afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, the conversation will get heated.

You’ve nothing left to say to your partner/each other.

Here are a few ways to enable a partner to open up

When you have an issue to discuss, try to choose a time when you are both relaxed, alone and you know you will not be disturbed.

Calmly outline the problem and stick to the subject, maybe making a list of topics you'd like to cover prior to your discussion. If its help you want, ask for their help rather than tell them what to do. You are more likely to get what you want this way. Or you could offer a payoff - 'you do this for me and I'll do that for you'. Clearly, you need to offer them something which sounds a good deal to them.

If its feelings you are talking about, give your partner enough time and space to think what they want to say - it can be very difficult if you have spent all of your life keeping your feelings to yourself, and now someone asks you to bear your soul. So be patient and give them some quiet time to put what they feel into words, the more they are able to do this without pressure the easier it will become.

After an argument, its always helpful to say sorry as his can help you both feel close again. But it is important that you both say “sorry”. Some people never say sorry, and if your partner is one of them, it is important that you tell them how this affects you. And it will also help you both to focus on the issue in a calmer way.

Go together or alone?

Ideally its better to attend counseling sessions together, however, if your partner refuses, there are still things you can do to help the relationship. Maybe you can make some positive changes that will make an impact on your relationship. Then maybe your partner will come later on when they see the positive outcome to counselling.

Some people prefer to attend alone at first to sort out their own issues and then come as a couple later on.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

I can help you to sort out your issues both personal and marital to help ensure a solid relationship in the future