Whom among us hasn't been cruising around with a squirrel in our shirt when our furry friend starts "eating" us, causing us to swerve all over the road and nearly plow head-on into another car. Surely that is why our eyes are bloodshot and glassy, our face was flushed, and we continuously mumble and slur our words.

Different state, different animal, slightly different excuse, same result. How many servings of fish would you need to consume to reach a 0.062 blood-alcohol concentration? We're not sure, but after nine other unsuccessful excuses, might as well try anything.

When you're fabricating a crime scene, you might want to take the evidence (two five-gallon buckets with water still in them) out of your car before the police arrive. Also, you might want to be sure your state doesn't have statutes prohibiting tampering with or fabricating physical evidence. (Spoiler alert: It does.)

I mean, he's not wrong -- the Jets really do suck. But when you hit another car with a .13 BAC and a three-fourths-gone bottle of whiskey, partially smoked joint, baggie of marijuana, and rolling papers in your car, the cops aren't really going to care.

Our favorite successful DUI defense? My body is a brewery. It may sound like a terrible John Mayer song, but it worked. For a DUI defense that works for you, contact a local DUI attorney.