Know Thy Enemy: Chicago White Sox

Dig it out, Danks. No one's watching.

Our bipolar Detroit Tigers currently sit at 29-26, 5 games behind the racist-logo’d Cleveland Indians. Considering that Magglio Ordonez, Ryan Raburn, Brandon Inge, most of the bullpen, and the musical chairs situation at second base have all been useless this year, it’s a miracle we’re this close. If you add in Jim Leyland’s wacky lineups drawn out Lloyd McClendon’s hat, it becomes even more mind-boggling.

Up next on the schedule is the team that many, including Your Party Host, figured would win the AL Central this year, the Chicago White Sox. And look out, they’re only 3 ½ games behind us now, thanks to some improved play lately.

Let’s check them out. And make lame jokes at their expense, naturally.

Overview

The White Sox are one of the American League's eight charter franchises. They were established in 1900 and were originally called the Chicago White Stockings, after the nickname was abandoned by the Cubs. That’s awesome. They got the name that the Chicago team that people actually care about didn’t want. Brilliant. The name was soon abbreviated to the Chicago White Sox, as legend has it that the paper would shorten it to Sox in the headlines instead of spelling out “Stockings”. Imagine that…the press was lazy. Good thing this doesn’t happen today.

/rolls eyes

After winning the World Series in 1906 and 1917, Chicago players would disgrace baseball with the famous “Black Sox” World Series gambling scandal in 1919, where several prominent members of the team were accused of conspiring with gamblers to purposefully lose games. Baseball's commissioner at the time, Kenesaw Mountain Landis (cooler name than "Bud"), took decisive action by banning the tainted players from Major League Baseball for life. They wouldn’t win another World Series until 2005 when manager Ozzie Guillen sold his soul to Satan in exchange for his crappy team getting rings. In Ozzie’s defense, it was a ballsy move that I wish Jim Leyland would consider. Batting Don Kelly leadoff isn’t going to get it done.

Thirty members of the Hall of Fame were with the White Sox at one time or another, but only eleven were inducted as Pale Hose personnel. They are Luis Aparicio, Luke Appling, Eddie Collins, Charles Comiskey, George Davis, Red Faber, Nellie Foxx, Ted Lyons, Ray Schalk, Bill Veeck, and Ed Walsh. I can see Frank Thomas joining that list some day.

Oh, I almost forgot. Before I move on, I can’t talk about the Chicago White Sox baseball team without mentioning one of the most revolting piles of shit in baseball today. He is, perhaps, the most annoying, unprofessional broadcaster in sports history, in my opinion. His “homer-dom” knows no bounds as he repeats his tired catchphrases while cheerleading his White Sox in every game while ignoring facts and what is actually happening on the field. He is Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, the only color analyst in baseball history worse than Tim McCarver.

I think I speak for AL Central fans everywhere that have ever suffered through even one inning of Harrelson calling a game when I say, “Cram it, Hawk.” And die of ball cancer.

Face of the Franchise

Wow. I never realized that Paul Konerko was this good looking. Yowza.

In reality, the captain of the White Sox has been with the team since 1999. The former high school catcher was given up on by two NL teams before his arrival, as the Dodgers traded him (and Dennys Reyes) to Cincinnati for Jeff Shaw, and the Reds would send him to Chicago for Mike Cameron. Since then, Paul’s made four All-Star teams, won the 2004 Comeback Player of the Year, hit 370 homers (377 total in his career), and have an OPS+ of 122. This year, he’s hitting .310, with 12 homers and 44 RBI at the age of 35.

Against Detroit, Konerko’s faced us 193 times and had 818 plate appearances. In that time, he’s hit .289 with 39 homers, 129 RBI, 29 doubles, and an .866 OPS. Of those 39 homers, though, only two have come off of guys on the current Tigers roster (1 each off Porcello and Verlander). He used to drill Jeremy Bonderman, hitting 5 HR off of him. As for Our Hero, Nate Robertson, Konerko faced him 58 times, hit 5 HR, and had 13 RBI. Oh, Nate. You are not missed.

Oh, and one final little known fact: Paul Konerko was the last opposing player to hit a home run at old Yankee Stadium. I live to inform.

Old Friends

Edwin Jackson, sadly, is still with the White Sox. EJax was solid in his time in Detroit before being dealt in the Granderson/Jackson/Scherzer/Coke/Schlereth deal. From Arizona he bounced to Chicago where he has been inconsistent. He seems to pitch well against us, as most returning guys tend to do. There’s rumors of him being moved to the bullpen if his struggles continue.

Sox bullpen catcher Mark Salas was a Tiger in 1990 and 1991, playing 107 games, hitting a robust .195, and hitting 10 homers and 31 RBI. Eh, better than Gerald Laird, I guess.

Was there any doubt? AJ Pierzynski’s a cock, hated by nearly every fan in Major League Baseball. AJ (Anthony John, BTW) was a high school teammate of Johnny Damon in Orlando, Florida. Sadly as Johnny is a classy guy that most people adore, Pierzynski’s a piece of shit that his own manager, Ozzie Guillen, once described in the following way:

"If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less.”

To AJ’s credit, he knows that he comes off as a dick and has kind of embraced the “villain” role over the years. I can respect that, but I still want to beat him to death with a nine iron every time I see his fat fucking face. In his career against Detroit, AJ’s faced us 138 times, hitting .296, with 13 HR and 62 RBI. Three of those homers have come off of JV, so keep an eye on that this series. As for Nate, the lefty-lefty matchup didn’t help Our Hero as Pierzynski hit .379 against Robertson in 29 at bats with a homer and five RBI.

Fanbase

White Sox fans are the unwanted, bastard sons of Chicago. They’ll never be as fun, loved, or celebrated as the Cub fans. Sox fans will most likely be fat, have a mustache, tons of body hair, a family history of heart problems, and smell like an odd combination of grease and failure.

In fact, I’ve never actually met a female White Sox fan. The closest I ever came was meeting the girlfriend of a Sox fan who only rooted for them for his benefit. Well, that and she though then-Sox pitcher Jon Garland was cute. She’s dating a Blue Jays fan now and rooting for them, so whatever, I guess. I can only assume the female Chicago fans look much like the male ones.

The real reason that I can’t stand these fucks, though, is that they continue to boo Magglio Ordonez like he stabbed them in the back. The White Sox were the ones that didn’t want Maggs anymore, thinking he was done. Instead, he went on to thrill us in Detroit all these years. So, eat a bag of cocks, Pale Hose twat-licks. Thanks for one of the most awesome Tigers ever.

Haha...I loved when he did that to Indian fans. I wish Ozzie was our manager. Can you imagine how much more fun this site would be with Ozzie heading the Tigers? Oh, well.

Much like against the Twins, the Tigers are on a roll against the White Sox, as of late. If we can continue this trend and the Indians continue to fall back to Earth, we could be in for an interesting upcoming week.

And when Magglio come back next week and starts hitting again…I’m gonna let you fair-weather shits have it.