Thursday, May 27, 2010

Don't let that cute little face fool you. He's a rascal and gave me the scariest most heart-wrenching moment I have had as a mom. It was awful.

We all make mistakes. Sometimes we escape and nothing bad happens. Sometimes, a lapse in judgement, being too busy, getting distracted, or whatever it might be, leads to something horrific. I only write about this experience to maybe help someone else. To help someone else pay a little more attention to the important things, or to hug their babies a little tighter and not take a moment for granted.

The other night, the night before my birthday, I was feeding Beckham and spending some time on the computer and Toby started barking outside. He usually lets out a little bark or two when he's ready to come inside. He always goes to the kitchen door (in the back) and waits. Kaden came running in saying he was going to go let Toby in. Kaden and Matt had been cleaning up the train explosion in the living room; a daily occurrence and a nighty task. No more than three minutes after Kaden had gone to let Tobes in Matt came and said, "babe, is Kaden outside?" We looked around the house and realized he had gone outside, probably out the front door.

I went out and looked around the yard and couldn't find him. We have a little nature trail and hill behind our house so I figured he went on that. He was barefoot, which he usually is, so I figured he wouldn't wander very far. I went to the trail and started calling to him, heard nothing, and got a little irritated that I was being ignored. He's often oblivious when he is in his own little world, which is probably why he wandered off.

After looking for over 10 minutes I decided to hop in the car and drive around the subdivision, figuring he was lost and looking for home. Matt stayed behind with Beckham. It started getting dark and I started worrying. I couldn't find him anywhere. Kaden has only wandered off like this once before, and it was when Beckham was born and still in the hospital. Matt and his mom were unloading groceries and he disappeared. I freaked out that time, thinking about the very busy highway close by and the irrigation ditches throughout the neighborhood. This time I wasn't as concerned because now, he knows better. I was worried though and started feeling bad about not paying close enough attention. What was I doing? Checking facebook? Reading a blog? Who knows, but maybe I was too distracted.

As I drove around calling him, I prayed and prayed. I was feeling so frustrated that I was having no mother's intuition, no feelings as to where I should go, feeling comfortless and more worried by the moment. I just kept feeling, and saying, "I need help!" I ditched the car, called our dear friends who have rescued us countless times, and started out on foot. I called to him, but the busy street was so loud I heard nothing. By now, it had been at least 40 minutes, was totally dark, and I had been all over the place, in every direction. I called and called and finally faintly heard my little boy's hysterical cry. He seemed so far away, but I started running in that direction through an uneven field.

Finally, I found the little boy and my heart sank and I think I nearly died. He was across the busy highway, over half a mile from home, sitting in the grass not more than four feet from the street. Car after car sped by, going over 60 mph. He was so scared. I yelled for him to stay where he was, that I would come get him. I waited for cars to pass and ran over and scooped up the crying boy. He was freezing, he had wet his pants from being so scared, and his little feet were bleeding.

I cannot explain how awful I felt. I felt incredibly relieved that he was okay. I had every scenario running through my head as I looked for what seemed like an eternity. I felt horrible that my baby had been so scared, and I, his mother, was not there to comfort and protect him. I felt sad and guilty. I cried and cried as I carried him back to the car and as we drove home. I just had to say "I'm sorry" over and over.

When we got home he took a long, hot bath and Matt scrubbed him up. I called my mom and had a meltdown. After the bath we read stories, removed slivers and doctored up sore feet. Matt gave us both the most amazing blessings of comfort. I talked to Kaden about what had happened. My best guess is that he and Toby went up the hill by the house and when it got dark he went down a different way. He saw a house across the highway that had a big light on. He just kept saying that there was a scary owl and he was trying to get to "mommy's light". I wish he had seen our house and all of the lights we had on for him. It really hurt me, and still hurts me, to think about how scared he was.

I held him tight until he fell asleep. After I laid in my bed for over an hour, I went and scooped him up and brought him in to sleep with us. I didn't sleep much that night. I was overcome with gratitude that he was okay, and I couldn't help but think about what could have happened. Maybe I didn't do anything wrong, but I still felt so bad that I didn't find him sooner, that I didn't hear him go out the door. Matt felt like it was his fault since he had been cleaning up with him.

As I looked for Kaden for those endless minutes, I felt frustrated that I had no help. I kept praying, "please help me find him. Please keep him safe. Please inspire me to know where to look..." That night when I couldn't sleep, my feelings of frustration and almost anger, dissolved and I realized that we were helped. Kaden made it safely across that street. I did find him. I was the one who was there to pick him up and carry him home. Of all the places he could have gone, it could have taken me 5 times as long to find him. Somehow, I did hear his little cry from so far away, despite the traffic, crickets and frogs. I was helped more than I will probably ever realize and I couldn't be more grateful.

I was so overcome with fear and now with gratitude. My boy is safe. I know to be a little more careful, pay closer attention, and hug him a little tighter each night. (oh, lock the front door and get a darn fence!)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Beckham is 9 months old today and that is just crazy. Time passes too quickly and I don't like it one bit. What a fun age he's at though. He is such a happy little guy. He's waving "hi" and says "mama" all of the time. I am going to say that it's intentional.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

This little stinker is such a lazy guy. He rolls over when he feels like it and when I put him on his tummy he immediately rolls to his back or just lays his head down and sucks on his hand. When I hold him up to stand on his feet, he lifts his legs up giggling and smiling at me. I guess he figures if I am holding him there is no point in him having to do any work. I think it's funny. He just doesn't seem to have the desire to get anywhere. If something is hard he just gives up and is content to lay around. Maybe he gets that from me. I don't see him walking until he is 15-18 months old. I know he's got the muscles though because when I put him in the bouncer he jumps and jumps and squeals with delight. I have a video of Kaden at this age; he's crawling up stairs and walking around a coffee table. It is just crazy how different 2 little boys from the same parents can be. I was a little worried for a while, but after talking to a lot of other moms of multiple children, this is just the way it is sometimes. Beckham's doctor says it's partly that he was over 5 weeks early, has a big noggin, and it's just his personality to be so laid back. He showed us that when he laid in the NICU for 2 weeks. He had pep talk after pep talk, but he was on his own schedule--and dubbed the "poopiepreemie". I actually am loving that he is so cuddly, loves to be held, and I don't have to chase him around just yet. I'm in love with my lazy bum.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

On Sunday we went to the lake with some friends for a cookout. It was a beautiful, sunny, perfect day. I'm excited to go back over and over.Kaden was a crazy man playing in the freezing water. He got soaked and muddy and was freezing so we changed him into his extra clothes. He got those soaked and muddy. Then he just ditched his clothes all together (post below) and ran around like a little aborigine. I just don't understand where all of his energy comes from. He runs and runs and never seems to tire.

We've loved hanging out with Jamie and her cute family. The kids get to play every day at the gym and when Jamie and I run on the weekends. It's so fun to have lots of friends here both for the kids and Matt and I. I have been so spoiled getting to stay home these past 9 months with my little munchkins, having a free schedule to socialize and play when I want to. It's going to be quite an adjustment if and when I actually do have to be responsible again. Actually, that probably should have happened about 5 months ago, but like I said, I have been spoiled.

Hurray for summer. I am so excited for more adventures--even if I do have to get a little more responsible.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

A few weeks ago I was at the gym and a lady I see there all the time came to talk to me. She told me that she sees Matt a lot, that he is so friendly, sweet, and seems to really enjoy his job. Then she said something that totally caught me off guard. She said, "He thinks he is totally normal, but I know he's not." I tried not to look offended, but I kind of wanted to start letting her have it. I am so protective of Matt. I restrained myself and just explained to her that he does know he isn't who he used to be. He knows that he gets confused sometimes, he is forgetful, he struggles with things that used to be very simple for him. I told her he gets frustrated because he knows he is not "normal"; he always tries hard and does his best. Then I tried to explain that although he is well aware that he is not how he used to be, that he doesn't live the same kind of life most people enjoy, there is mercy in him not realizing the extent of how much he really did lose. She was sweet, and I am sure she didn't mean to come across the way she did, but I seriously wonder if people think before they say things.

Every now and then, usually at night when we are enjoying our own quiet time together, Matt is very lucid and that's when I see the "old Matt" most. The other night I was reading and he was brushing his teeth, swishing, taking 500 years to get ready for bed, like always. He climbed in the covers and looked over at me so sweetly and said, "hey babe, do you miss me?"

I thought I knew what he meant, but wanted to hear what he had to say. I asked him what he meant by that. "Well, I know that I am not the same Matt that you met and fell in love with. I try to be him, but I know I am different. Do you miss the old me?"

It was hard not to get emotional but I looked at him and said, "yeah babe. I miss you so much. I miss you every day, but I love you now. Even though I will always miss you, I love you so much."

He just said, "OK. I love you too."

Honestly, I do miss him. I miss him so much. My heart is still broken. I still grieve over many pieces of Matt that were lost. It still hurts and causes as much heartache as it ever did. But, I am still grateful to have him and to have experienced all of the miracles we have to get to where we are now. I am still overcome with gratitude for the wonderful pieces of Matt that are the same as they always were. I still love him so much.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I love that Matt has always been clean and organized. He always picks up after himself, our boys, and even me. He is always good about putting things in their place when he is finished using them. I have never had to pick up wet towels off the floor, or put his clothes away. One of Matt's quirks is that he is obsessive about picking up trash. He has missed the bus a few times because he is cleaning up the parking lot, or our neighbor's yard. He will roll down the window in the middle of winter to throw a tiny pebble out of our car. It is bordering on ridiculous. Once Kaden was saying our prayer at breakfast and he said, "Please bless daddy to have a good day at work, picking up trash." We both got a good chuckle out of that one.

This little obsession is wearing off on our boy. The other day my mom and I were hurrying to get in the car after a little shopping at the mall. It was unbelievably windy so we were rushing. Kaden all of a sudden starts running down the parking lot, freaking out over a paper that is blowing away. It scared my mom and I and we chased after him. "Oh no! I hafta get that trash! It's blowing away!" He freaks our when trash blows away in the wind; he actually will have a meltdown over it. I guess he makes his daddy proud, even though it can annoy me sometimes.

Matt is the trash man at our house. He always makes sure the trash gets taken out and never lets the cans get too full. Kaden loves to be a helper and always goes with Daddy to take the trash down the street and back up after it's been emptied. Those trash boys are cute, even if I do roll my eyes in exasperation sometimes.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

another relaxing, hilarious time with some of my favorite friends in the world. I love that we make the effort to get together as often as possible. It gets trickier as husbands and babies are added into the mix, but I always leave feeling revitalized, refreshed, and happier.

CUTE boys. I love, love, love little boys and all of the dirt, adventure, and craziness that comes with them. Easton was so cute following Kaden around. Kaden shared his kisses, of course.

Friendship is a gift. One that I don't take for granted, not for a second.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I am so proud and honored to be the mommy to these two beautiful boys. They light up my life every single day. I am in love with them. I love being their mom. I know sometimes I make mistakes, lots of them, but I hope that I am raising good boys and teaching them right. They make me so unbelievably happy.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

We had a fun weekend celebrating Matt's birthday. The weather didn't cooperate with my original plan, but we made the best of it and now we have plans for my birthday! My mom watched the boys Friday and we went to a hilarious movie and a nice dinner. It's fun to get out just the two of us. We laughed so hard, ate until we were stuffed, held hands, and Matt even let me eat most of his delicious piece of chocolate cake. Saturday we went shopping for a much needed new wardrobe for Matt. I will not comment on how naughty the terrible/wonderful three-year-old was, but the day could have gone better. We still managed to have a few really good moments and I hope that the next time we plan a fun day as a family, we can actually go through with all of it instead of cutting it short (way short).Matt is proudly sporting the "Fatherhood Badge of Honor". A little spitup on the shirt we didn't notice until after we left. We're really classy.Happy Birthday Handsome!