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crush

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend we’ve been talking more. I guess it’s because I don’t feel bad for my feelings anymore.

But since we’ve been talking more, I’ve just been getting more comfortable and falling in deeper.

It hurts so so so so so much. Because he’ll never think of me in that way. Why would he?

This is so pathetic and stupid, I never wanted my life to revolve around a guy, but it’s so hard. It’s so frustrating and complicated whenever I fall for someone. Why can’t it just be a small crush? Why does he have to notice me? Why couldn’t I just have admired him from afar like any normal crush?

It’s stupid to say this, but it was easier when he had a girlfriend because then my feelings couldn’t be acted upon.

But now, it’s hard knowing that he’s not taken but also knowing you never have a chance. And you never will because he only likes you platonically.

It’s especially hard considering I see him every day and I can’t avoid him because we’re friends and he’s so caring ugh.

The other day I tried not to give into a conversation that I knew was coming so I just acted kind of detached in a sense. But that didn’t make him stop talking to me. Noooo it made him full on turn towards me and flash a perfect smile and talk in his charming voice and ugh.

I can’t think of him as a friend. I’ve tried so hard. I tried and tried and tried, but I can’t think of him in that way. I just can’t.

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I sound so stupid, heartbreak is stupid. This is why during those first few weeks I didn’t want to admit that I like him and was falling for him because I didn’t want to get hurt again.

But here I am. I have this great guy as a friend. That should be enough for me, shouldn’t it? Why does my heart have to have a say?

12.09.16:

So I typed that all out yesterday and I didn’t get the chance to upload it because of different uninteresting complications. But it’s a day later and I’ve thought more of some things.

I can’t believe that I actually thought all of the above.

I mean, yes it does hurt. But, I don’t deserve anything out of him.

I ignored him the first day of school, but he wanted to be friends.

I want to start ignore him, but he keeps being kind.

I don’t deserve anything out of him, if anything, he deserves things out of me.

I shouldn’t just ignore him just because his heart doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Why would he in any case deserve that?

I think that I’ve just been taking this situation the same way I’ve ben talking the “Him” situation. If you don’t know, “Him” is a guy who I’ve had feelings for, for a while and before Phoenix, have been trying to get over for the past 2 years, which I have done. But, while I liked him, to be honest, he was a jerk. He played with my heart on purpose, it was a part of his charming game. I was nothing special to him. It didn’t bother him whether I talked to him or not. He was and is the exact opposite of Phoenix. So, why do I want to treat Phoenix like I treated “Him?”

Phoenix is an amazing friend. When I’m having crappy days, he smiles at me and asks me if I’m ok when I seem off. He does little things that helps so much, like helping me study for our Spanish quiz. He’s proud of me when I don’t give up on something stressful, and he always comforts me. He doesn’t deserve any hate that my heart wants to give him for liking me platonically.

It just so happens that I like him as well. If he doesn’t like me too and thinks of me in a platonic way, it’ll be hard for my heart. But realistically, he’s a friend I never want to lose due to my heart.

I am in no way disregarding my feelings or blaming my heart for anything, I just don’t want to let my heart be the only one that has a say. I want my head to be in there too, and my head is saying it doesn’t want to lose another friend. My heart will most definitely hurt, but this hurt is better than the hurt of losing him altogether.