The Introvert Resting B*tch Face

Has anyone ever asked you why you’re so serious? Or maybe they thought you were angry when you were happily daydreaming. Chances are they were confused by what I call your “introvert resting b*tch face”.

The pain of having a resting b*tch face

Introverts get a lot of flack for our resting b*tch face. People make all kinds of assumptions about what we’re thinking and feeling when our expression slips into its default grimace. They assume we’re silently judging them and the verdict is not good.

They might also think that we hate them and we’re having a horrible time. This assumption can be the most frustrating, especially when we’re with outgoing people-pleaser types who feel responsible for everyone’s happiness.

“Turn that frown upside down!”

Ironically, these kinds of people will make you feel insanely uncomfortable with their efforts to make you feel comfortable. They will launch into a desperate frenzy, trying harder and harder to turn your frown upside down.

They try to force you into having fun because they’ll be damned if they let one person have a mediocre time under their watch. Meanwhile, you were content to just observe the scene or wander off into your own fantasy world. Now you feel put on the spot, singled out for something so integral to who you are: your face.

Oops, I forgot I had a face

Even though the introvert resting b*tch face tends to be our default expression, we don’t always have a perma-grimace. We smile, too. It’s just that often we get so absorbed in our thoughts we forget we have a face, or a body for that matter. At this point we are a walking brain and we have no interest in slapping on a fake smile.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against smiling. I know that it puts people at ease and makes us more approachable. But sometimes—especially when I’ve done too much peopling—I don’t have the energy to put up any kind of front. I’m done with small talk, and smiling, and pleasing. I just want to let my face do its thing and for that to be okay. Because here’s the thing.

You need to give your face a break

It is okay to have a resting b*tch face. By now you’ve probably mastered your happy and polite face. You have to wear it all day at work and every time you encounter someone new. Sometimes you just need to drop the facade and let your face and body relax.

Sure, it would be nice if your default face was more zen and inviting, like one of those happy Buddha statues. But you’re not a statue. You’re a human with real emotions, so your facial expressions should be real and authentic, too.

So, the next time someone asks why you’re upset because you’re not smiling, tell them, “I’m not angry, this is just my face”. Wear your introvert resting b*tch face quiet and proud and don’t apologize for it.

42 Comments

Anzan
on January 21, 2018 at 11:24 am

The story of my life! (Thank you so much for writing this.) I’m in my 30’s and am only beginning to embrace and accept, and stop apologizing for, my introversion. I owe a great deal of this liberated mindset to your book and blog posts like this one. Thank you!

My default face gets me in trouble sometimes. I am in network marketing and you are to always have a happy face. Like you said Michaela, sometimes you forget you have a face. Even when I remember and try to put on a happy face, it feels phoney and I wonder if people can see through it. It’s not that I’m not happy, it’s just one of those, “I am smiling”, deals. I appreciate your writings. In my business so many people are sanguine, and with being a melancholy/phlegmatic I get a lot of exactly what you are talking about. Hey sanguine… Please at least try to show shown for one minute and “get me”. 😐

Love the comic😀. So true! I have this resting bitch face and am regularly subjected to ‘commands’ (that’s how they feel) to cheer up or smile or something similar. No matter how many times I insist otherwise, the commands are always the same old thing…sigh!

The worst was when I volunteered to work the information desk at a national convention. I was thrilled to have a chance to help people from all over find good restaurants, navigate the convention site, whatever. I’m sure I smiled when greeting people. But by the end, the constant admonitions from the info desk supervisor to “Smile, people! Look like you’re happy to be here!” had me imagining acts of assault and battery against him instead of enjoyable encounters with visitors.

Thanks for this!!
I’ve especially had problems with people complaining about my resting b*tch face… And I always think: “Why does everyone want me to smile when I don’t have anything to smile about?”…. So it’s been pretty annoying. Also, people find me intimidating just because of my face… which leads to not making some certain friends. But you’ve given me the confidence to rock my resting b*tch face. I don’t care anymore! ☺

It’s true, we’re all sometimes like that. Some people are worse — take a look at some older people and see the permanent frowns. I don’t want to end up like that…… Whenever I can, I try to cultivate the “ANA approved nursing face” which is a slight smile. Even the Taoists have a smiling practice…… Hard for us, but important to try if we don’t want our faces to freeze like that!

This is so true. I was at my computer recently doing routine work and a coworker asked what I was mad about. My reply was that I was probably just concentrating but I couldn’t help but to visualize what my face must have looked like. I just don’t think it’s necessary to smile while I’m typing.

What you write is so very true, but instead of the murdering, I would be the escape artist trying to find the Exit from this over extroverted Existenz. Always trying to find the peaceful spot or way out, would be my mantra.

My spiritual side is always searching, as my sensitive side gets energy sucked by the many energy Vampyres, but things are changing. i am getting spiritually freer and The Vampyres Are Not Able To Steal As Easily Anymore.

Everything is changing, as Dark and lite separate, in unimaginable ways. 🔥

As an extrovert, this article makes me remember NOT to ask people why they aren’t smiling. I don’t think I do that very much with colleagues, etc. but I do find myself doing it sometimes with my boyfriend (he’s an introvert) – I just have to make sure he’s okay.

Interestingly, I’m the opposite: People tell me I always look “happy” – even when I’m literally depressed and seeing a therapist. I think it’s because I like people, so I do smile during the brief interactions with a friendly face. Then, when they go away, I can get depressed again.

Wow! That is an interesting perspective from an extrovert. I’m known for my RBF and if anyone ever asks about how I feel, it’s always “Whats wrong? etc.” I thought about that not long ago and assumed, in my little bubble, that it’s completely normal because no one asks people why they’re happy; right? Not true, they just don’t ask me! Thank you for that post, very insightful.

Thank you, thank you, Michaela! Lately, I’ve been worrying about my face since friends and even my husband always tell me that I look angry or depressed when in fact I’m not. They say that it makes them uncomfortable because they think that something’s wrong, so I was trying to have a relaxed face all the time! It was draining me, but when I read your post, I started to cheer (in my head, obviously). There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just a normal introvert with a normal resting b*tch face!

One ‘benefit’ I’ve discovered by having a b*tch face: Fundraisers (religious, etc) at airports steer clear of me. They’ll approach people around me, but guess they think I’m either mean or angry and will avoid me like the plague! Always makes me chuckle.

Thank you, Michaela, for understanding me. I have always felt like an outsider and that I don’t fit with people (I’m in my late 50s). You are helping me to finally begin to understand myself. You are a blessing, Michaela!

Agreed Brian. You’re clearly an optimist! LOL
My default RBF was always a negative to me for that same reason. I never get approached in public, not ever! When I’d be out with girlfriends, all just as attractive, I was never the one approached. However, if a guy did come over, I’d often end up the one he ends up talking to!
My father’s best friend was the first person to call me out, at Thanksgiving in front of my family (including my “we’re all perfect” grandparents)! My family was generally offended by his comment, particularly my grandmother who had plenty to say in response!
On the other hand, I remember being so happy he said that. It was one of the rare times I felt someone actually “got me.”
Now I can’t read enough about INFJs. I grew up thinking I was strange and I should just smile and act like everyone else. Now knowing I have “a tribe” is so comforting!

Micheala, thank you for this blog. It made me LOL relating to the resting b-face. All my life people would ask why I was mad, serious, unhappy ect. When in fact I wasn’t. It wasn’t till recently I caught a look at my reflection and thought wth? Why do I look so mean today? lol
Seeing that reflection made me think of the cashiers who aren’t as friendly to me as the people in front of me, I use to think, hmmph whats their problem? When they were probably thinking what an old bit.. LOL So now when I encounter cashiers I start with a big smile and my exchanges have become so much more pleasant. BTW I’m an INFJ and serious introvert. 🙂

I used to be called ‘Ice Queen’ at work, because my manager would always assume that i was either in a bad mood, and that i seemed angry. Absolutely annoying. And yes, I’ve gotten the you should smile more. Here’s the thing, if I don’t feel like smiling. Then that’s it. I just don’t feel like smiling. I’m sure as hell not going to fake it.