~ One man's journey through Paranoid Schizophrenia, Mental Health, Faith and Life.

Ok. So I am Jumping Into The Hot Seat

My kids and I have, for a very long time now, had a game that we have played as a family. It’s called “The Hot Seat” and whilst I know that to some it is an expression that induces pictures of stress it really isn’t like that.

Basically one person volunteers to sit in the proverbial ‘hot seat’ and whilst they are in the ‘hot seat’ anyone can ask them any questions that they would like to ask about any subject they would like to ask about. (There is a set time limit – normally five – ten minutes max and we normally take it in turns with several being in the hotseat each time we play it.)

The rules state that you cannot lie. BUT you can decline to answer if…
a) your answer would break a confidence.
b) the answer would get you or someone else in trouble,
c) the answer would cause hurt or embarrassment to someone else, or
d) the question (or the answer to that question) is too personal for you to give.

So there are safeguards in place and it is basically just a way of us being open with each other and a way of encouraging us all to share and learn the benefits of sharing with each other.

Sometimes we are so bad at that aren’t we? Especially teenagers and us men/males it would seem.

This post generated many excellent comment, one of which came from my blogging buddy Lulu and which included the statement…

I wish more men could come out there and just put it out there like you. Men are expected to be these stoic creatures that bear every emotion in silence. I think it’s so antiquated, and I still don’t understand why the men in our society haven’t come to the realization that if they open their mouths, then other men will too.

So I had a (possibly rash) thought! If we are going to get men to ‘put it out there’ then it will need men (and yes that includes me) to lead by example. And I know that Lulu was talking slightly differently to what I am suggesting but hey it is a start and will be challenging for me.

So with that in mind, and mindful of the ‘In the Hot Seat’ game that I play with my kids, I thought I would challenge myself to do just that – to ‘put it all out there’.

So here’s the deal…

I am voluntarily placing myself ‘in the hot seat’ and I invite you to ask me any question you would like to ask me.

It can be as searching and challenging as you like and indeed about ANY subject you would like.

I in return will answer honestly and the same rules apply as when I play it with my kids…

Those rules stating that I cannot lie. BUT I can decline to answer if…
a) my answer would break a confidence.
b) the answer would get me or someone else in trouble,
c) the answer would cause hurt or embarrassment to someone else, or
d) the question (or the answer to that question) is too personal for me to give.

So there you have it. I await with interest your questions (hm I wonder who will ask the most searching or most risky/bold one?) and I promise to answer them as quickly as I can.

The truth is that I am not sure there is ‘one moment’ that I could pinpoint.

I have done some terrible and horrible things in my life and have had some horrible and terrible things done to me. The temptation is to change one of those but then I have to ask – would I still be who I am if they had noit happened? But I certainly would like to be able to change/remove the hurt I have caused othes.

There are many things that went wrong or that I did wrong in my life but pinpointing one moment in that/them is very difficult.
In truth I would like to change my marriage breaking down and my relationship with my father breaking down but they are both series of moments and not just one.

Thank you for answering..I agree that pinpointing one moment is very difficult and even more I agree with the sentiment that if we change things from our past we wouldn’t be the same people today..for me I think that would be a good thing though hehehe
Again thank you for answering and I did not feel it was a cop-out…will have to see if I can come up with another good question (are we allowed to ask more then one?)

I have every hope that you are indeed getting back up on your horse. I love your contributions 🙂

As for your question of “Do you think that your mental illness brought you a unique strength / talent? If so, what would that be?” My answer would have to be…

I think the one thing that my mental illnesses (and to some degree my physical illnesse)do is to afford me an insight that a lot of people don’t seem to have. Insights into suffering that some folk sadly (and often suprisingly to me) seem so oblivious too. This does afford me a strength that comes along with it although sometimes that strength is sadly lacking. But then I think that is often the dichotomous nature of the beast which is mental illness.

In terms of talents it has always interested me how creative and imaginative and arty I am. I have 3 siblings and whilst there are without doubt some changes in our upbringing – due to age differences and socialogical change and trends throughtout our childhood and how these iumpacted us consequentally to our age differences – I am the most creative, imaginative andd arty of us all. I also have the highest IQ level of us all and interestingly I was the most academic of us all. Likewise I am the one who seem to be more spiritually inclined and at the same time more of a rebelious and freer spirit.

Please understand I do not seek to seem arrogant or superior tom my siblings each one is a wonderful person and each have their own specific gifts etc, it is jjst that there is such a notabel differnce between us. I have little doubt my mental illness – which I have had since my childhood and possibly birth – is a huge contributory factor in all of that.

One area which clouds all this however is that my father was very much into the ‘black arts’ and had abilities that were without doubt supernatural (and I am not overstating it hthere or tryuing to be all dramatic) as a young child I remember him stating that he had claimed the right of succession – in respect of his belief and his gifts/abilities – for one of us and whilst he never said which one, it was recognized that it was me.

For the record I renounced all that stuff when I gave my life to Christ. But certainly there was some pretty spooky stuff that I experienced as a child.

Another interesting question (man they have all been good questions thus far) and the keyword there is ‘family’ for me.

The truth is that at the moment I don’t have a specific church family.

Having been very involved in a very good local church fellowship for several years I became very disillusioned over the level of intimacy and love that was present. To explain that and in defense of that church/fellowship I have very high expectations when it comes to ‘family’ and even higher when it comes to Christ’s family and what I think that should mean.

The church/fellowship are extremely loving on certain levels but sadly lacking on other levels and those other levels coupled with where I was mentally and emotionally and spiritually led to my disillusionment and my leaving that fellowhip.

The trouble is that that church/fellowship was probably one of the best that I have ever attended and certainly the only one I would consider attending locally. I don’t drive and so attending somewhere else wqas just not practicle and whilst I did make efforts to attend one some 20 miles away it ended up being impractical as transport was an issue and additionally there was some very unhealthy, antiquated and totally harmful attitudes and opinions being shared about mental health in respect to demon possession etc. So those issues meant that I really haven’t had a specific family for over a year now.

Despite my pride and my hurts and the fact that I can be such a stubborn mule attimes I have however started visiting that local church fellowship which I had left a year or so ago now and have to say they have been very welcoming and in many ways it is like I had never been away. Of course that presents it’s own difficulties but that is another issue and a question for another time.

So to answer your specific question and having ‘set the scene’ so to speak I can tell you that in respet of that church family and before I had left I was very open about the fact that I had mental health issues and was selectively open about the level of them and sharing how much they effect me day to day.

My experience (and I should qualify this by saying that I have been a Christian for some 27 years now and in church/Christian leadership/ministry for most of that time) is that Christians can be some of the best people to understand and cope with your mental illness and some of the worst.

I would have thought almost everyone at my old church/fellowship knew that I had mental health issues. I should explain that on joining that fellowship I made a very clear decision that having tried to hide them most of my life only to have numerous relationships work perfectly well and then radiclly change or even crumble once something happened and my mental health issues became apparent, that I would be upfront about my mental illnesses.

I had often spoken about my mental health at church during an introduction or when leading a bible study or something and when it was relevant or when introducing a song and how it speaks to me etc. and so yes most would have been ‘aware’.

Some would know more than others about how it effected me. This generally because my relationship with them was deeper than with others or I spent more time with them because we were involved in the worship team or in the same bible study etc or they were part of the creative writing group or art group that I led and thus would witness my struggles more.

And some knew more than most. I had and stiull have a hanfdful of very dear and close friends at that church/fellowship and one or two of them had their own mental health issues and thus we were able to be even more open and supportive of each other.

The Pastor, who is a really good guy and his family probably knew more than most and the Pastor specifically probably witnessed my darker times more than most as he would often be the one who would come and rescue me from the riverside when the suicidal ideation took hold or who would be called in by my son when I was stockpiling my meds in readiness as a result of the same ideation.

In truth I cannot say that my mental illness did not play a part in my decision to leave or impact my thinking at the time. Likewise I cannot say that I never encountered a situation where I felt my feelings were being discounted as a result of their being viewed as coming from or affected by my mental illness. But in the main I am happy to be able to say that that church/fellowship were extremely accepting and supportive when it came to my mental illnesses.

In truth I was probably wrong to have left in the first place. Did I mention that I can at times be quite prideful and as stubborn as a mule and that I have extremely high expectations when it comes to family and especially those who claim that we are a family Christ?

Lol, I hope that answered the question properly for you and again please understand that that fellowship really is so very loving on certain levels.

The reason I asked is because, like you said, they can be the most helpful and understanding and then they can be the most closed minded about mental illness. My own mother has had a hard time with my illness as being something human and ongoing. She believes that every answer to every situation can be solved by reading the bible. So, mental illness to her is a spiritual problem. I don’t have a church family, but I do have a church that I watch every Sunday morning as part of my Spiritual Renewing time each week. It is also the church that God gave me the strength to go to for my baptism. So many people were trying to talk to me and ask me questions about having a church home. I was honest but the fact that I couldn’t be around all those people every week went way over their heads (which if they would have been able to get a view of what they were doing to me, they might would understand). They called and called me after that and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I thought of trying to write a letter explaining things but figured there was no use. I still love the services. But Christians can get so clouded with church attendance being so important. Also not being about to relate to anything outside their group. I would be hindered spiritually and triggered mentally if I tried to endure that every Sunday. I was curious what your situation was because you have posted things about you being with your church friends.

Certainly I understand tosome degree how you feel and certainly I can relate to some of what you are saying 🙂

In terms of your mother I have to say theat when it comes comes to parents in general I think having one or more of their children with a mental health issue carries it’s own questions, concerns and difficulties for them. Likewise it does I feel for Christians and this for a mother who is a Christian it can ceetainly be a double whammy so to speak.

In truth I personally belief that there is without doubt a spiritual element to mental health as there is to all things because we are meant to be spiritual beings.

In respect of your not having a church family I can tell you that not having a specific church family is such a difficult thing for me and there is I feel a very real conflict between our spiritual need and the benefits of having a church family verses the difficulties and damages that can occur from having one which isn’t functioning properly or able to understand or accommodate and love you properly.

You made the comment “But Christians can get so clouded with church attendance being so important. Also not being about to relate to anything outside their group.” My own position on this is that ‘meeting together with other Christians is both essential and encouraged or commended within the scriptures. However whether that equates to church attendance as most chrches seem to portray it is I think dubious at best.

Christianity is an entirely different thing to churchianity and whilst I would never advocate staying away from fellow believers for any great period of time I would never ever advocate churchianity and think it is one of the biggest lies and hinderances to faith that there is.

I cannot believe for one minute that our Father wishes for you or anyone else to be ‘hindered spiritually and triggered mentally’ and so something obviously has to give in that situation.

You also said, “I was curious what your situation was because you have posted things about you being with your church friends.” No need to explain and you are welcome to ask me anything about any subject. YEs I do still have friends – a handful- from that fellowship who remained active in my life and I thank God for them. 🙂

most of my christian fellowshiping is done online. I have quite a great group of close friends who are christians on Facebook. In fact that is the only thing I do with facebook lol. I have those that share scriptures with me and prayer requests. These few friends know everything about me. I know it sounds so wrong Kevin to not associate myself more with a church group, but I do have a lot of issues. I use to be a ministers wife. I have seen a lot of things that have made it hard for me to trust the church. Also I have been around church all my life and seen and experienced even more. Just getting baptized at the church set off memories. God knows that is something He is going to have to work with me on. But until then, I am doing what I can.

Oh no, please don’t for one minute think that I was judging you. I ceretainly was not doing that and please understand that I do understand at least in part what you ae going through with all this.

I was simply expressing how it is for me and my personal approach to it all.

I am ever mindufl of the Ghandi quote which goes something along the lines of “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

Now I understand that this quote is often misused or half-quoted as the full quote should read…

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The materialism of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it’s not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time.” But I have to say sadly even the half-quote of “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” is so very true in so many ways.

I wasn’t offended at all. I was frustrated with myself because I was having trouble trying to say what I wanted to say. I don’t get offended that easy lol. God still keeps showing me new things all the time that we need to work on. I know I have unresolved issues. I also have some issues with the bible. I think it is an important account of the history of Christianity and shows how Christ dying on the cross changed everything by being the sacrifice for our sins. I believe that it is documented well. Also the words of Jesus and the account of his life. After He accesnded into heaven, and the “churches” started and Paul was sending letters and preaching to the early church. I can’t see how that could be flawless. Pauls’ opinions have to be littered among his words. He even said things to say that what he was saying was his opinion like about divorce ect. The bible is a bunch of peoples account of different events. Even the disciples attending the same events contradicted each other in their Gospels. In revelation John talk about this “book” and that it can’t be added to or taken away from, is not the bible. It is his writing he is talking about because at that point there is no Bible. People put together the bible and even recently they are finding other Gospels from other disciples that were never put in there. I just don’t yet understand the sacredness of it that most people accept. I know saying this seems sac religious but I am just being honest. After all the things I have seen and heard, God doing His work in me is the main thing that I can know for absolute surety is real and has given me such faith in Him. I feel more sure by letting Him guide me directly than anything. The things that I am wrong about, he deals with me personally about it. Like I said, I think the bible is very important, and is a great guide on leading us down the right path through His words and through the prophesies that have been written down. I just am not sure about the things that were passed down for generations before there was a way to write it all down. Maybe a mistake? or the things that normal humans preached, I can’t be sure. I mean when a minister preaches to his church, some of what he says is just the way he think, his opinion.
I’m going to stop because I am repeating myself lol. But that is things that I question now, but when I realize I am wrong, I will understand better. lol

Kevin, I couldn’t sleep because I am so worried about what you must think of me. I don’t know why I brought up my doubts. I should have kept them to myself until God can help me resolve those issues. I hope somehow you can understand me just a little bit. What you think of me affects me quite a lot.

I am so sorry that you had trouble sleeping over all of this but please, please never lose sleep worrying over what I may or may not think of you as I seriously doubt you could do or say anything which would cause me to lose my respect for you.

In terms of you should not have said anything to me and should have kept to yourself the doubts and questions which you raised, I disagree with you there. If you can’t share your doubts and questions with someone who cares for you and respects you then who can you share them with?

I do hope that I have reassured you a little and I can assure you that I did not take offense at anything you shared and actually I have just answered that particular comment and so you can see how I felt about what you said.

I should perhaps apologize for not answering last night. The truth is that I did get your comment last night but sadly I (or more specifically these tired eyes of mine) were not working at their best and so I decided to respond this morning.

I have difficultie with my eyes and late at night and early in the morning I simply can’t focus with them. And if I am honest, and I share thisnot as a crticism but as an explanation, a lot of people seem to write in large blocks of text instead of using paragaphs and that makes reading so very difficult for me.

So please accept my apologies for not responding late last night and please understand that it was not as a result of anything you said, but as a result of my not being able to read what you said properly and my not wanting to disrespect it or you by making mistakes in my reading.
Hope that is ok and I have explained that properly.
Kind Regards and God Bless.
Kevin.

I am so glad that you were not offended and I do understand being frustrated with yourself because of having trouble trying to say what you wanted to say. Been there, done that countless times 🙂

You said that “God still keeps showing me new things all the time that we need to work on.” and I was so very encouraged by that and especially that you said “we need to work on”. I can’t tell you how many folk I have heard tell me God has to work on something in their lives and I am like “I am pretty sure that is not how it works and it is meant to be a joint effort.”

You also said “I know I have unresolved issues”. Again I am encouraged by this and I know that may at first sound a little strange but before coming to Christ we have had a lifetime of seeing things the ‘worlds’ way. To assume that on coming to Christ we are going to be instantly transformed or immediately know everything just doesn’t make sense, so I think we all have unresolved issues. Certainly I do.

Also I liked what you said about the bible and I can certainly see where you are coming from there.

I am not sure we have exactly the same perspective on it but I do understand where you are coming from on it and I do think we all too often fail to understand the cultural situations at the time each book was written.

In terms of the book of Revelation I have long since held the same opinion that the ‘do not add to’ statement is specific to Revelation and not the bible itself and I have an extensive library of other Gospels and writings including the gnostic gospels in the form of the Nag Hammadi Library plus many others, aprocryphal and otherwise.

Like you I don’t with the level of sacredness that most people accept in respect of the bible, although perhaps I would be more accurate personally in saying I don’t understand biblical fundamentalism.

You said in your comment “I know saying this seems sac religious but I am just being honest.” Please, please be assured that nothing you said seemed sacriligious to me at all. I simply read them as being honest and heartfelt views and at the end of the day if God doesn’t understand and isn’t tolerant of our doubts or questions then we have to ask ourselves is He really the same God, the same loving heavenly Father, that we declare Him to be?

And subsequent to that if indeed He is, as I believe, that same loving heavenly Father we declare Him to be and who indeed does understand and is tolerant of our doubts and questions then hello, shouldn’t we be equally understanding and tolerant of each other’s viewpoints? Lovingly and respectfully able to discuss them and learn from each other?

You finished you comment by saying “After all the things I have seen and heard, God doing His work in me is the main thing that I can know for absolute surety is real and has given me such faith in Him. I feel more sure by letting Him guide me directly than anything.”

And I have to tell you that in my opinion this is the most essential and wonderful part of having a relationship with God. I also agree with you that “The things that I am wrong about, he deals with me personally about it.” and as long as we remain open to Him doing so, be that through experience, circumstance, the bible, each other, then I see nothing wrong with that.

i am so glad you understand about my feelings on the bible. I have been raised being taught that the bible was literally “the word of God” that is my mothers magic 8 ball lol. If she knew how I see the bible, she would practically disown me lol. I have heard many ministers over the years use that verse in Revelations like it meant the bible. I mentioned to my mother once how so many writings and things that have been discovered could have been included in the bible but weren’t and her reply was that God put into the bible what we need to know. I assumed that my views on the bible would be offensive because of way people I have known would definitely take offense. I see a lot of ignorance and confusion in the “church” and that is why i am trying to obey and follow God according to what he lays on my heart to do. It is so nice to have someone understand. I envy your library of all those writings that have been found. Have a great day Kevin, or night? lol whatever it is there. I hope your health is on an upward swing and you are doing well. God bless you!

I can answer that one very easily and the answer has to be no. In fact it is a question that I have considered before as it was a question that Stephen Fry asked in his documentary on manci depression/bipolar disorder. (Although he used a magic button to press as opposed to a pill).

In fact a great many people he asked asnwered no and a lot of them gave one of the reasons I have and that is that they could not be sure that all the positives – additional creativity, heightened imagination etc, wouldn’t disappear along with the mental illness.

The second reason I wouldn’t is because I believe taking it away is really up to God to do or not to do as He deems fit. Now I accpet freely that there is some disparity here but ulike my physical illnesses which I am trying to manage with a hope to a their being a resultant healing or cure, I really do just leave the healing of my psychological illnesses very much in God’s hands. Not sure why there is that disparity but there just is 🙂

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