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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Resolutions I Can (Probably) Keep

I learned some valuable lessons in 2010. Since I'd hate for those lessons to go to waste, I thought I'd use them to guide my list of New Year's Resolutions.

1. I will pay strict attention to what I'm actually holding in my hand BEFORE applying the contents to my toothbrush. I don't care how late it is.

2. I will never trust that my side of the bed is booby-trap free before sliding under the covers in the dark.

3. For that matter, I will never trust that any area in my house is booby-trap free, no matter what time of day or night it is.

4. I will NOT reach blindly into my purse searching for my car keys. Not that fate would be cruel enough to dispose of another moth corpse inside my handbag, but you never know.

5. I will remember if I've just touched cinnamon oil BEFORE rubbing my eyes.

6. I hope.

7. If I hear a strange hissing sound from behind the refrigerator, I will NOT pull the appliance away from the wall without first grabbing a handful of towels and donning a plastic garbage sack or two.

8. Also? If I do hear the strange hissing sound and my refrigerator decides to spew water in all directions again, I will NOT race toward the problem area.

9. Unless I'm wearing padding and a helmet.

10. I will assume every co-worker is out to kill me and modify my behavior accordingly. This means no blindly walking out of my office as if someone hasn't laid a trail of empty boxes perfectly aligned to cause me to face plant into the nearest one. And no turning my head to answer a question while walking. Stupid walls.

11. I will also assume every piece of technology at work is also in on the murder plot. Including that wheeled spawn of Satan the office chair. And I will begin carrying a hammer and a flame torch (miniature size so as not to alert them to my new found spirit of resistance) everywhere I go.

12. I will carry extra diapers whenever I leave the house with Princess J. Extra. As in MANY extra.

13. I will stop investigating the strange noises, objects, and most especially, SMELLS my boys bring into the house.

14. On a related note, I will look into hazmet suits and a tranq gun.

15. And most importantly, I will remember the DASTARDLY DEED* done to me this past Christmas morning and will choose the optimum moment for vengeance most sweet.

*Details of the DASTARDLY DEED coming tomorrow. Ready the pitchforks and call the village mob.