The Plan

“No, don’t do it man” . Srinivas scolded me. He was my colleague and a good friend.

“I must tell her”. I was adamant, due to a sudden need for righteous.

“If you want to propose to Sushma , go ahead. But why do you have to tell her about Moushika? You are not in a relationship with her. You were just talking to her on the phone for 2-3 months and going to stop that anyway after you propose to Sushma”

“I see absolutely no reason to tell Sushma about another girl while proposing to her for the first time”. Srinivas said with a look of bewilderment, he could not understand why I planning to ruin a relationship even before it started.

It was true. I wasn’t cheating on Sushma or doing something that I will regret later in life. I met Moushika in an Art of Living class, she was a very nice person. We sat next to each other for the 4 day course and became friendly enough to exchange numbers.

I would call her sometimes and have friendly conversations. Later on I became bold enough to flirt with her over the phone. But it was going nowhere, I wanted a relationship and get married, she was just interested in having friendly conversations over the phone and laugh at my jokes.

That was it.

But somehow I felt and believed that any proposal to Sushma should eventually lead to marriage and I wanted to be completely honest to my future wife!

“No, I’m going to propose to her today and tell her about the other girl”, I repeated my decision firmly to Srinivas, determined to cleanse my past deeds.

Srinivas was visibly annoyed and realized he could not help avert a disaster.

OK, If you are willing to dig your own grave and bury yourself, go ahead!

The proposal

That evening, I asked Sushma to meet at the coffee shop within our office campus. We talked over the phone just 4 times before that and she agreed to meet me expecting a friendly chat.

The minor details of our chat are a blur to me now, maybe because that moment was so terrifying, I was going to propose to the most important person in my life (at that time) and knew that I would ruin it with my new-found honesty.

and so it happened…

The conversation started in a casual tone and I tried to say it many times, the 3 words would almost come out and then I would lose my nerve just to continue blabbering about random stuff. This cycle would repeat and at that time it felt as if I tried saying it a 100 times and chickened out every single time. Finally, I could not hold them any more , I mentioned our recent conversations late into the night over the phone and looked straight into her eyes and said

I like you

There I finally said it. The 3 words to show that you are a cool and confident guy, but secretly meant that I was desperately in love with her and hoped she would feel the same.

But, she did not feel the same way, and to her, we were just friends. That was it.

Everything came crashing down, I’m sitting in front of this beautiful girl who was one of the nicest persons and I could NOT be with her. However, I expected this reply and knew this was true. Now, all the years of frustration and lack of courage to ask a girl out came crashing to me. Yes. I knew it! I would always be the friendly guy to all the girls and never be the man enough to attract them. This felt like someone sucker punched my ego.

Guess where this situation was heading? I was on the verge of creating history for the worst proposal ever.

The disaster

“I know that you do not feel the same way. You assumed we became good friends because of our deep and long conversations” I was trying to save face by showing off my intuitiveness to read her mind. She was silent. I should have stopped than, but my ego was hurt. So, I rambled on.

“It’s fine, I understand that you don’t have those kind of feelings for me”. I was trying to act casual even while drowning in self-pity.

She looked apologetic. I was getting angry.

“It’s okay Sushma. I knew this would happen. But I didn’t want to just waste our time by continuing this so-called friendship, while secretly hoping to move away from the friend zone. So, I preferred being straight forward”

I was angry now, it was finishing before it even started. Temporary insanity took over and I vented out in frustration,”Look, I’ll make it easy for you to say NO. I’ve actually been talking to another girl for a while” . I said those words slowly and with coldness. She was shocked. I guess she didn’t expect me to be an ass!

Then I stood up and walked away leaving her there without even a goodbye.

I was mad now and could not believe what happened. The situation was bad before and now it was a disaster.

On the drive home, I could not contain my anger or sorrow and called up Srinivas.

“It’s all over man”

“Why? What happened? What did you do?”

“I proposed to her but she was not ready. I got mad and said that I will make it easy for her to reject me. Then I told her about the other girl and before she could respond, I walked away”

“What!”. He could not believe I would ruin it so badly.

“It’s all over now. Screw it”

to be continued…

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The best day of my life again! I’m too surprised to feel the joy as I stare at misty eyes and bumbling words, within moments it sinks in. oh wow! Oh no..again too many problems that need a solution . Bah! who cares, it’s just awesome. It was so cool that moments ago we were discussing the 2 most important life goals for each other while feeling despair in not being able to reach them. Now, it’s all changed…

I hope know that this post will break the most unbelievable streak of chronic procrastination. Let the words go….

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He was lying in the bed, thinking, for the 1000th time, it seemed – Why couldn’t he just write. “Why in the Hell’s name can’t I write. Damn you! . You are going to die miserable with the pen still in the pocket”.

The signals were all there. He couldn’t work, his life was in pause. His wife almost gave up on him and He…Well that was one thing he was NOT doing – giving up hope. He could never do that, despite all evidence of loafing around, escaping into the world of sexual gratifications, playing games for mindless hours, keeping busy with chores. These were one of the few things that distracted his mind from the real problem.

This was like the worst nightmare and just as in a dream, the real one could see himself running around trying to dodge the real questions. Just like the game he was playing, he was running towards his enemy, his worst ever. He just had to shoot down that doppelgänger who was causing all the misery. but in the last moment fear made him turn aside for a brief second and that was it. He lost again.

So many thoughts, thoughts just kept pouring out. The whole world around him was sleeping, but he could not, every night he made a wish “One day God. Just one day, I would like to get up and be the artist that I desire to be”. But then it would be morning and his groundhog day would start, just as in the movie.

“ENOUGH!”
“ENOUGH!”

Now there was screaming. It was his own, but for the outside world it never came up. His heart was tearing up inside, he was swallowing the scream of frustration and it was imploding inside.

and then calm….

He knew what he had to do for now, this night, this moment. A little sunshine through his darkest storm. All he had to do is just get up and write something.

He decided not to think, not to try hard, not to get excited or depressed, not to get hopeful. There is no emotion. He just had to type something.

and this is what he did and doing…”I’m ok now. You can stop!”

And so this piece is done and sent out to the world RAW…

Thank You Steven Pressfield for your wonderful book “theWarofART“. For all the people out there, who have even the slightest inclination or the desire to create something, this book is a wonderful gift to yourself.

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I was staring down a path which looked impossible to step into. Large dark boulders gleamed beneath the rushing waters. Standing on a 3-inch ledge, I was half a step away…This was the edge of my world.

One step would change my life forever or end it NOW.

and then I stepped back.

Simple drive

We were just driving back to Hyderabad from my home city, Vijayawada.

We crossed a canal. It looked nice, brimming with water, but I was in a hurry. Another one came up shortly and I crossed that too. Only, my friend wanted a closer look.

I turned back….

The first touch

Just like most water bodies with bridges in India, this canal also had steps leading to water on both sides of the banks.

The water looked irresistible and we climbed down to dip our hands and feet. Water looked fresh and cool to our touch.

Anytime I get a feel of beautiful water, I get an uncontrollable urge to swim around.

But there was a strong current.

I never swam in large water bodies and the strong current brought back memories of news articles of drowning young men.

Kids embarrass me

This looked like fun

There were many locals around, bathing and swimming. A few kids were using our section of steps.

They looked perfectly at home swimming around the banks. A few started getting on the bridge pillars, climbing over the bridge.

Wow! were they going to jump?

and then they leaped into the water, and dogpaddlead to the shore. I was standing there with an open mouth.

The kids were living one of my dreams. I always wanted to try this and never had the courage.

(A quick background: Very few Indians learn to swim. I was part of a very small, exclusive minority in my country)

Seizing

You always hear the words “Seize the day” or “Seize the moment” . This was a good time to do that and JUMP!

“It looked scary, but the kids could do it.”

“The current! It looked too strong, what if I get swept away.”

“It was now or never.”

The kids were all smiles and egged me on. For the 100th time I asked them if it was easy, YES YES YES was all I heard then.

I ran back to the car and practically leaped into my boxers.

Chickening out!!!

I moved to the railing of the bridge. The water looked a long way off. The kids were all round me, supporting me.

Then I went over the railing and stood on the 3-inch ledge of the supporting pillar, never letting go of the railing.

Oh Man! Water appeared 50 feet away.

The current was very swift and I could see dark boulders below the water. I kept asking for assurances from the kids. They were very patient with me.

“Anna (elder brother), Jump to your left not to your right. It’s deeper”

I was frozen. This was the scariest thing I had ever done. One kid jumped from top of the railing to show me it was alright.

Suddenly my mind started making up all kinds of logical excuses, a cover-up for my fear. I wanted to test out the water with a quick swim.

I climbed back. chickened out

I went back to the steps, dived in for a quick swim. The water was cool and as expected there was a very strong current.

The cool water renewed my courage and I hurried back to my edge.

Leap of Faith

Once again, I was back at the world’s edge. My heart was going wild with excitement, fear, and what not.

I would have liked to say that my life flashed before me, but I just had one thing in my mind – the black “abyss” .

Damn! I couldn’t do it. I was frozen, stuck in this moment. Status – quo!

We came up with a countdown system

3

2

1

….. No Jump 😦

A 100 things were going in my mind..

“Jump! Keshav”

“c’mon you can do it”

“Jump for the blog post at least”

“Dammit! Dude, just move”

“JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

“J-U-S-T DOOOOO……………..”

IT!..and I was off, letting go of the known world, flying through a dream, cutting through my fear.

In a second, I hit the water feet first, plunging through the depths. All sounds was cut-off. My mind blanked out, there was just one thought – I DID IT.

Even before I resurfaced, I knew this was over, I was going to swim to safety.

All of this happened in less than 2 minutes. I tried two more times. This was one my best adventures.