Why a date is no big deal, yet it is

January 26, 2017

A date has two ramifications:

A date is a big deal because it is proof he views you romantically as a potential love interest and not just a quick, easy, and reliable source of female attention (which won’t get you anywhere). A date means he is making an investment in you because you are worth his time and energy for him to get out of the house and impress you in person.

A date is no big deal because there may not be a second one, and it is not a marriage proposal. It is just a way for the two of you to spend time together in person. A date doesn’t mean he needs to put on a show to impress you. Instead, he needs to impress you with who he is and how he acts, so the date can be anything from taking a walk together at the local park to eating ice cream at the mall to having coffee at Starbucks to dinner at a fancy restaurant. (Beware when the first date is extravagant, like a ski trip to the Alps. Such a thing often means it’s just a one time thing where a man is willing to pay for companionship and isn’t at all serious about a long-term relationship.)

So there you have it. Don’t get freaked out if he never comes around to asking you out. And don’t freak out if he does ask you out, because guess what? He’s not trying to marry you. He might be dating multiple women or even sleeping with them. Or he might be bored of being alone and just wants to have a good time with a girl.

Don’t overanalyze the meaning of a date, except to remember it is important he makes it happen if you are to continue chatting with him!

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How do you choose between two suitors who are treating you well, kind, considerate and are relatively consistent in their pursuit, if you’re not emotionally entangled with any of them?

I have been on 5 dates with both guys during the past 1-2 months, and I am following all the guides so I was able to keep myself completely emotionally detached, and just objectively observing what they’re doing in order to win me over. Now, I am not particularly enthusiastic about any of them, but I observed that both are quite nice guys and would probably be boyfriend materials… As for chemistry, I have no idea, since I don’t treat them as friends, but as suitors, and sexiness is kind of the same level (although, a bit different personalities). So my problem is, how do I decide which guy to get more close to, which one to have sex with? Should I just keep on with what I am doing, and there will be a moment of revelation? I am treated well by both although, one of them is a bit more enthusiastic than the other (e.g. shows more urgency in setting up dates, whereas with the other we just see each other once a week). How do I know which one would be more suitable for me? And when should I make the decision, in order not to break any hearts?

So with Guy 1, I had so far 6 dates in the past 7 weeks. With Guy 2, I had 5 dates within the past 3 weeks ( a much faster pace, but joined in later ). When should I cut one of them off and choose one over the other? I might get attached during sex and I don’t want to play games with any of them, so I don’t know what to do at this stage. Problem is, I really don’t have a preference over any of them so far, and I am still letting both of them pay for dates that are outings and only reciprocate once for every 3….

Congratulations on being a Prize Catch and managing to date two men at once. Now is the time to see if you can develop some kind of chemistry with them.

In general, chemistry is felt quickly, especially for men. There are women who need more time to get comfortable with a guy before they can feel chemistry. Based on your previous posts expressing reservations and fears on dating, I wonder if you might also have barriers up that prevent you from being in touch with your heartstrings? I’m not assuming you do, but if there is any chance you do, this is worth examining.

The reason I mention this is because sometimes we can get so guarded due to anticipation or nervousness, that we don’t feel what we feel. You have to relax a lot and let yourself loose a bit to enjoy the energy between you and your date. If you’re not repulsed physically by a guy, then the questions are: What qualities of the guy can you focus on when you’re with him? Are you expressive about yourself? Are you showing him you enjoy being who you are?

Does this guy make you feel good about who you are? Sometimes just that alone makes you feel chemistry, with someone who can enhance your sense of self. Be creative with this and explore all ways you can to bond more with the guy and get in touch with your feelings.

I suggest you start a relationship with yourself. The more you are in touch with your feelings and can enjoy your own fabulousness, the better chances you have in connecting with men and feeling chemistry. People who are closed off tend to have fewer experiences falling in love than people who are vibrant and open.

I’m not advising you to be sexually loose and wild during your dates, but just to focus on connecting with yourself and expressing yourself emotionally.

Of course, there is also the chance that there is no chemistry for either of these two men. But remember, chemistry is different for everyone. For a lot of dysfunctional people, having the right psychological triggers and buttons to push (as in the triggers between an aloof man and a needy woman or an alcoholic man and a codependent woman) gets mistaken for chemistry when all it is is the attraction to someone who revives unmet childhood needs.

Healthy chemistry is not about such things, but a spark that draws two healthy people together over and over magnetically. Hopefully you will find that, and if trying to connect with these men in such ways isn’t working, move on to meet other men and don’t give up.

Thanks One Truth for the great reply!
One of the guys has asked me today to date him exclusively. I said yes. But does it mean that I am his official girlfriend now? He didn’t call me as that. And we have only been on 6 dates so far (within a month).

Since you don’t know exactly what he means by exclusive dating, you may want to clarify with him. It may not mean a commitment from him where he is exclusively dating YOU, nor that you are his girlfriend.

My recommended stages are going from dates with different people to a committed relationship. This way, both parties can get to know the people they are dating before choosing one to have an exclusive, committed relationship with. Exclusive dating risks the Danger Zone I talk about in the EGuides.

I have never used the term exclusive dating because it can be misinterpreted to mean you are barred from finding a potentially better mate and are likely to end up having sex with him without being his girlfriend or having his commitment.

So first, you need to figure out what it is YOU want right now that YOU are comfortable with. Are you fine with dating him exclusively without being his girlfriend? Do you want to get to know him better before turning down other men? Are you even ready to commit to him and be his girlfriend?

Decide what it is you want, and then the next time you talk to him, say, “I just want to ask for clarification from you regarding what you meant by exclusive dating. Do you mean a committed relationship or do you just mean we are dating each other exclusively?”

If he is not up for a commitment and that does not sit well with you, you can say, “Well, I obviously misinterpreted, as I’m not interested in exclusive dating right now. However, I would still like to continue to get to know you to see where this leads to. How do you feel about that?”

Of course, you might also be perfectly fine with his definition of exclusive dating, whatever it may be, and see where it leads to. You may decide you don’t even want to broach the subject. I am simply giving you options to play with.

I am not sure about the commitment part, but about the exclusiveness he was serious, as he showed me he has deleted himself from the dating app where we met.

At the moment, I am fine with this situation as in the following months I wouldn’t have the time to date more than one man anyways (due to other commitments), so I’ll see if anything develops from here.

I’ll keep you updated in case of any news! 🙂

Thanks a lot for your insights, they are – as always – utterly invaluable!

What to do if you find yourself getting a crush on a friend? I don’t even necessarily want him to ask me out ever. But I feel myself being flirty/attracted to him. We are not like best friends. But friends. I feel like I need to start doing “The Rules” and not initiate texts, etc. I don’t think he is the guy for me at all, but i know there is attraction between us and want to maintain my dignity. Thoughts?

First, it’s very important that you become realistic about what you want out of this. Are you really okay that he doesn’t ask you out? What if he asked someone else out and she ended up being his girlfriend? If you would be hurt by this at even the slightest, then no, you are not okay he doesn’t ask you out. In this instance, you must simply wean yourself off the flirting and even off his company so you don’t stay hooked and in the pattern of falling for a friend that leads to nowhere.

Please read over all the articles on this blog regarding what being with friends with a guy you’re attracted to means (treated like a 2nd class citizen and ending up in heartbreak).

Now, if you absolutely don’t care if he never asks you out and are fine if he asks other girls out, that’s another story. Maybe you simply need affirmation that you’re desirable (which requires you to gain some self-esteem that has nothing to do with him). Or you are bored and just want to have some fun (which you can do with female friends or a guy who is interested in dating you). Either way, if you have any motives that you’re not conscious of, such as really just wanting him to want you, eventually you would run into the problem of not having his friendship AND not gaining his interest. Double doomed.

Just keep all this in mind as you decide what you’re willing to deal with or what you won’t be able to put up with.

Thanks. I have fun flirting with him out of boredom mostly. We get along superficially on many topics. Recent events have shown me that I do not like the way he treats/thinks about women, so I am no longer entertaining andly delusions of growing attraction. Man what you can find out about a guy while being his “friend”. Stuff you wouldn’t find out in dating.

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