BP to Use Experimental "Stick Rod-in-Hole" Technique

At his 46th Press Conference, Hayward revealed his “Stick Rod in Hole” technique as the latest solution to the oil spill which had been spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for over 6-weeks.

BP is recovering from several failed attempts at closing the oil spill, the latest of which was “Top Kill,” in which mud, golf balls and Obama’s approval ratings were pumped into the oil well.

Since then, the hole has been successfully “capped,” but a permanent solution has, until now, yet to be decided on.

Hayward’s reputation, and the reputation of BP, are intimately connected to the success of “Stick Rod in Hole,” codenamed “the Big Bang.”

“We’re going to fuck the Earth before the Earth fucks us,” Hayward added, in his usual way of completely ignoring reporter’s questions and saying whatever the fuck he feels like.

“I feel America’s pain,” he concluded, as he climbed aboard his signature solid-gold helicopter “Dy-No-Mite” which was filled to capacity by bikini-clad supermodels and piloted by actor/comedian Jimmie Walker who starred in the 70′s sit-com “Good Times.”

The logistics of the plan are as follows:

1. Laser-guided Robotic submarines (from the future!) will position a 30-ton stone phallus about 1 mile underwater into the appropriate position, known as the “missionary” position.

2. The robots will then begin playing Marvin Gaye’s “Lets get it on” using specially-designed underwater speakers.

3. The phallic rod will then be coated with industrial and commercial lubricants and injected into the giant leaking hole using a military-grade explosive charge.

4. Combining this operation with “Top Kill,” a hollow tube within the rod will inject mud, golf balls and Obama’s apathetic and submissive response to the disaster directly into the hole, hopefully sealing the leak for good.