Tag Archives: trauma

I have been there. Have you been there ? Totally down and out ? No one left to turn to…. It is scary. On ones bare feet, hungry, cold, hurting, and without money….I had lost it all and driven myself into severe abuse and addictions of various kinds. I was cold and trying to sleep in a ruined and wrecked tent in rainy Amsterdam in November, 2011. I was at my rock bottom. So low I could go. I was barely alive.

Sitting here now many years later it is strange to think about how far I had pushed myself back then. It is scary to look back and seeing how badly I treated myself. And just that; the mechanics of it, the programming of it, the drive of mind within it, is what is talked about in this interview:

It is described the programs that are active within such a state. What are the conscious components within being at rock bottom ? I dare you to investigate this interview and others that follow on the topic. You will get a very, very unique look into the detailed parts and mechanics of the mind and its working in these relations and similarities. What are the programs that run within the mind/body before hitting rock bottom ? Having this awareness of how mind operates we can then forgive the self within this… and change !

For me it was mostly a desire to run away from responsibilities, memories, trauma, my life (!) with doing weed, hajjis, alcohol and sex. I was a multiple addict. And it drove me waaaaay down… Not until 4 or 5 years later on was I able to see and say that yes, that point in Amsterdam, November 2011, that was my rock bottom ! I was practically dead.

Because get this, important part here: If we don’t understand and forgive, embrace the parts that drive us to such a state in the first place, being of rock bottom, if we don’t understand it what got us here, then… what is keeping us from ending up there again ? What is preventing the same programs and drivers of mind to cause us to end up there again ? If we don’t work on it, forgive self, and alter our self and our living… nothing will prevent it happening again. This will reoccur again and again and again… mind recycling itself over and over.. keeping us a slave.

This is an example on why I had to open up and expose to myself and walk, my addictions, my trauma, my nitty – gritty detailed past. I had to open up and expose and forgive and embrace to myself all the parts that I had rejected. And this interview lets us know some of the programs and mechanics (much like a computer lol ) we have to understand to be able to deal with this type of phenomena. This will only escalate and increase in time to come. Because life will not wait. Equality and oneness as life is coming.

Fuck ! It had become so bad now, that me googling for pictures on “Rock Bottom”, to shows only wrestling stars… wtf ? Searching for “Rock Bottom” pics and seeing this wrestling dude all over…. geee…..

So this “hot” topic of epigenetic, that separates scientist, about having memories inherited from parents and grandparents. It have been told that we can inherit memories from our for – fathers. Is this so ? Can I relate on a personal/physical basis ? Is it just emotions or is it valid inherited “trauma” and memories from DNA ?

Let’s find out.

This calls for a story. A story about my grandparents, living in Norway, in the 1940’s. My mother’s parents. They have both past away now. Story goes back to WW2. And how my grandparents where on the Nazi – Germany side during the 2nd world war. Since they were on the German side during that war, my grandfather was thrown into prison after the war. And I know that he experienced a nervous breakdown at that point in his life. He was in prison in Norway in 1945/46 about and he experiences a nervous breakdown in prison.

Here I look into myself and study my memories of my grandfather I find these pictures of him in a cell/prison, in a bad condition, he is having a break down. I see this very clear to myself that he is suffering. Now. This you could say is simply empathy with him and a sense of “love” or connection to him. But I see this picture so strong within myself that I start to experience his pain/trauma.

For what is a memory ? It is sounds and energies, developed into pictures and movies, stored on our physical and mind.

To me it is more than a story being told. To me it is real time experience seeing these pictures of him suffering in prison. I experiencing it very mush real with my physical.

So this is then stored in my DNA. Guess what; we humans still don’t, own our own DNA. This DNA ownership – is worthy of investigation. That is how “they” can patent life and so on. I would think that through developing water crystal , memory, emoto and iridology would also be able to help us clear out of past and to figure out some answers. What is what. There is a long way to go.

So how to deal with these pictures and traumas ? Best medication there is. Self forgiveness. Because there is still my emotional experience of my grandfather going through nervous breakdown – within me.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pity and to feel bad for my grandfather picturing him in prison, and I realize that his pain back then – is very real to me and my physical living today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity my grandfather and for thinking he was harmed or hurt and I would pity him from this punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go back to this memory of my grandfather having a nervous breakdown in prison, and I would think it is in my DNA and it is stored like a trauma within my being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it has no effect to say to myself “I will not judge myself” because of what happened when I was 6 years old playing nude games with neighbors and within this I forgive myself for taking it so hard a impact for being caught by a adult and with this I tell myself to stop judging myself for that episode, I was a child and it was all programs and energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for judging myself for everything that is ever bad within my life and for taking everything very personal and blaming myself always pointing back at that one point of being caught by that adult when I was 6 years old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project guilt and fear and self judgement onto others, ending up inferior and depressed, when I see how emotional dimensions within me shape according to that one memory of being caught by a adult at that time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my fight through growing up have been guilt and self judging for all so many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself how I would seek church, alcohol, drugs, psychiatry and so on, trying to cure myself from this guilt and judgment that I have to face, I was doing to myself.

When and as I see myself feeling like going into guilt or self judging, I stop and I slow myself down, and I breathe. I realize that this fight was that nobody would win and like any war there was only losers participating. I realize that I can through focusing, directing, breathing and slowing down, I can end my self-judging. I can end the war and find peace with myself. I realize that self judgment only has losers and that one is me. I commit myself to slow down my tempo, and to focus on what is supportive, like living words, breathing and directing myself, slowing down, and to finally be done with the fight and have peace. I commit myself to give myself access to life and to live my life in every breathe. I commit myself to live my life for what is best for all and inn that is also, best for me.

I mapped out my childhood. I have been working with self forgiveness for 4 years now and I have mapped out my entire childhood and larger parts of my past. Things I had forgotten and suppressed, hidden, that I have all forgiven in detail. I reached a new transcendence and a point of change within my living. My whole childhood is now mapped out to me. I have a overview, a perspective on my life. The details are many, traumatic and quite complicated. This is simply a overview. Through self forgiveness and corrections, I have now worked through all the energies and complications within this past. It is quite a relief to have reached this point of clarity. My emotional life goes something like this:

Child nude play with second cousins – being caught by grandmother at age 5- 6

Finding porn magazines near road, keeping as treasures age 7 – 16

Being bullied at school by older students / later bullying others all through school age 7- 16

Nightmares / psychosis fever fantasy at home age 9 – 16

Demonic thoughts/gruesome thoughts/possession age 10 – 12

Suicidal thoughts age 13

Actively sabotaging school / society doing crime age 14 – 20

Psychiatry and drugs, alcohol, sex, porn and drama age 20 – 33

Starting to work on self forgiveness in 2012 (33 – present)

Don’t get me wrong… there was also happy moments in my life. Lots of them. But these are the list of things that made a real difference within me.

What can we learn from this ?

Well… one thing I would like to point out is to ask “what happened to you”, instead of “what is wrong with you”. I was born schizophrenic. This is my childhood mapped out pretty much. This is from 4 years of working on self, everyday on forgiving myself.

What is Self-forgiveness?
It is the process by which an individual forgives oneself for accepting and allowing self to separate from objective reality, releasing positive and negative value judgments such as good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative – as subjective interpretations of reality regarding something or someone that leads to stability as breath.