7/9 Big Brother Live Feed Recap : We've Got A Gorilla For Sale

This recap covers Thursday night to noon on Friday. BB time, of course.

You know all those withdrawal symptoms you’ve been experiencing? Those abnormal physical or psychological characteristics that followed the abrupt discontinuation of Big Brother 10? All of the sweating, the anxiety, the insomnia…..well, your fix is here! For the next 3 months, there is relief! The only sweating, anxiety, and insomnia you’ll have now is from hours of feed watching on end. So kiss your family goodbye and let’s get settled in for a summer of lying, cheating, and backstabbing…..ahhh, it doesn’t get much better than this.

Feeds go live and I feel like we never left each other, Big Brother and I. We have skanks in lingerie applying gobs of makeup…Jordan and Lydia. I am surprised to see these two have paired up. We have a group in the kitchen whispering and talking about someone…that would be Russell, Laura, and Natalie. They keep asking people to check the storage room for alcohol. Someone leaves their mic on in the bathroom and we hear tinkling and flushing….see, just like we never left. We quickly learn that Lydia and Chima are on the block. No surprise with Jesse as HoH….is it just me or does he look more like Magilla Gorilla than last year? The Brains lost the food competition. Not only are the on slop but they’re doomed to spend the week sleeping in the torture room and showering on the cold water side.

Lydia and Jordan prance around in their lingerie and make their way to the backyard where they play some volleyball with a beach ball. They’re so obviously trying to be noticed. The others in the house talk about them mercilessly, of course. Jordan says they’re like BBFFs, “best blonde friends forever.” I had such pre-game high hopes for Lydia. Please let this ditzy blonde thing be part of her strategy to stay in the house….

Things I Learned About The Houseguests…whether I wanted to or not

These strange hamsters love slop. With milk and sugar, they think it’s like delicious oatmeal.

Ronnie knows ballet, tap, and jazz. Didn’t see that one coming.

Michele has her belly button pierced. Didn’t see that one coming either.

Lydia is good at Yoga.

Jordan says the smell of her farts mix with her house. Can she stick around for a while, please? The girl is recapper’s gold.

Jesse claims he can satisfy any woman with just two fingers in 30 seconds. *shudder* And that’s not the kind of shudder Jesse is talking about.

Chima puts Vaseline under her eyes….says it keeps her looking young and beautiful.

Braden wants to shave his head. He’s a tool so I could care less. Earlier he actually told Jordan to get her “va-jay-jay“ over there. Naturally, she went.

Russell is pretty handy in the kitchen. He cooked salmon, made a salad, and even cleaned up after himself. Of course, maybe he just likes looking at himself and flexing in front of the mirror.

Casey is going to call his wife Miss Janice on the feeds because he doesn’t want his last name out there. Um, why not just Janice?

Jeff, like Casey, is a smoker.

Kevin…was not as interesting as I expected. Can someone tell me one thing about Kevin because I missed it all.

Natalie is still pretending to be 18. The charade won’t last long…many already suspect she’s lying. Also, she reminds me of a young Maggie. Minus the bags under her eyes but I’m sure that comes with age.

Laura has ginormous boobs. I mean epic boobage. Epic!

Operation Sex Bomb

Lydia’s strategy is to flirt shamelessly and seduce everyone in the house. She’s into the wine and she’s already hugged Russell and let him cop a feel. When Natalie said she was going up to the HoH to take a bath, Lydia offered to get naked with her and take her virginity. Thankfully, Natalie declined. Finally, Lydia goes straight to the top…Magilla the Gorilla himself. She hugs him, talks about how much she trusts him, and actually says he is her sanctuary. She whines incessantly about wanting her baby blanket, tells him she likes unicorns(Seriously…you can’t make up crap like this), and turns on the waterworks. The last time she cried, she says, was when she watched Finding Nemo. If Jesse had more than 6 brain cells, he’d see right through her act, but this is Jesse we’re talking about. He’s eating it up. The real Magilla the Gorilla probably has more smarts than this guy. Lydia turns on the flirting, has Jesse feeling her stomach, talking about how cute she is, and really gets him when she mentions his two finger trick. She offers to sleep with him in the HoH room…actually, she offered to “go do it right now”… but he declines and gives her a list of reasons. Of course, we’ve all heard the real reason….if those rumors are true. Just sayin’. Lydia tells him she’s going to find a way to “MacGuyver” it up to his room later.

Jesse announces to the house that as HoH, he gets to tweet. There is a Twitter account set up (@BigBrotherHOH) where the HOH can keep us updated. With Jesse’s limited vocabulary, this should be fun. The houseguests then discuss their various Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter pages. Ronnie tells a story about his wife being on Myspace. Apparently, he was jealous of Tom. Now that’s actually funny.

Boredom + Booze = Stupidity disguised as Entertainment

Now as you know, late night in the Big Brother house can get a little crazy. We’ve seen sock puppet theater, drunken hot tub orgies, and catfights galore. This season’s crew is kicking it off with a beauty pageant of sorts. Casey is the MC, announcing their interests, hobbies, etc. as they parade down the “runway.” He says that Lydia is very Bridget Nielson and will use her winnings to pierce more of her private parts. He describes Chima as a black Barbie who only dates rich men. Michele even gets into it stripping down to her bikini and shaking it. Surprised? I am. The houseguests are all whooping it up. The guys are competing as well. Casey announces that Russell the Love Muscle loves all the ladies as Russell peels off his shirt. Now your recapper is whooping it up….until Jesse takes a turn…then the whooping turns to gagging. Casey entertains as he describes Jesse’s favorite foods…eggs, egg whites, and fake eggs and asks who wants to be his Twitter buddy. The recycled Boogie might just be fun to watch. After all, assclowns can be very entertaining at 2am.

The BBFFs are still whoring themselves out for a vote for Lydia. They snuggle up to Russell in the hammock, trying to get his vote by rubbing up on him. He stays quiet and when he gets up, the girls snuggle together proclaiming their love and trust for each other. The whisper about trying to get Lydia into Jesse’s room, hate on Natalie because she seems to have a crush on Jesse, and say they’re being persecuted because they’re blonde. Guess it has nothing to do with their sluttiness or cattiness. Case in point…They say they trust Jeff and call him over. He gives them a “whatever” because he has a brain. He does eventually walk over and Jordan tells him she likes his “big weenie” in her face. Classy, no? To sum the rest of their snuggle session up….the girls have devised a plan for Lydia to somehow sleep with Jesse and Jordan to sleep with Jeff. Oh, and they think Laura and Natalie are conniving. Pot meet kettle.

Nothing much to note about our first night of feeds….

Ronnie got a haircut from some of the girls and it looks exactly the same as it did before. Natalie gave Jesse a haircut and shaved his neck…I was hoping she’d slip but Jesse’s neck is too thick to do any significant damage.

Natalie hangs out with Jesse in HoH; she’s Jesse’s Michelle this season. She says she wants Jeff to get the boot next. She keeps trying to talk game but Jesse rudely tells her to shut up so he can go to sleep. He doesn’t want to talk game so they discuss their favorite colors. Natalie likes baby blue and Jesse likes black, but used to like orange. Jesse goes on for another hour with stories about himself…Jesse hasn’t changed much at all.

The real shocker though….Ronnie is in an alliance with Jesse and Natalie. Geek boy is a Jesse spy.

Lydia does take another shot at Jesse in the HoH…pretty much offered herself up on a silver platter. Jesse blew his chance to prove he is into chicks. Oh, and Lydia is very open about targeting Laura.

Casey and Lydia are up early before Big Brother wakes up the house. They start talking game and Lydia continues pushing a theory of hers that Chima will go after Jesse if she stays. She wants a girl power alliance and will target the guys. Casey agrees but thinks people will want Chima to stay because of “white guilt”….meaning they don’t want to be perceived as a racist for voting out the black girl. He even compares it to the presidential election, basically saying that America elected Obama out of guilt from slavery. He repeats this theory a few times leaving me no choice but to think he’s serious about this. Lydia admits to Casey that she was trying to play Jesse last night but believes Jesse was on to her. No honey, he’s not that smart. He’s just not attracted to girls. Lydia does some Yoga while Casey hops on the squeaky elliptical.

Finally BB wakes up the house and we get Ronnie on the elliptical with Casey trying to tell him what to do. In the pool room, Jordan and Lydia put their faces on while Braden straps on a mask, snorkel, and pink flippers. He plans to spend the day in the pool, and the pink? Looks good on him. During a short fishie break, they’re told they have 10 minutes to be camera ready…time for the POV competition. Chima believes it will be a luxury/POV together and says she’d take the POV over 10K. She’s sure Lydia would too. And I’m sure Lydia would too.

While waiting for the POV competition to begin…

We get tossed to the fish tank briefly and it afterward, it seems they chose players for the POV. Chima chose the new Michelle…I mean, Natalie. Lydia chose Jeff and Jesse chose Russell. Sounds like Casey will be hosting.

In the backyard, the BBFFs are sunbathing and talking about how their legs were intertwined while they slept. This might be the showmance to watch if Lydia sticks around, people.

Lydia works on Russell in the pool…rubbing his back and bald head.

Chima lays it on thick telling Natalie she knows she won’t use the POV if she wins it. If Chima or Lydia get off the block, Jordan will be the replacement nominee.

Jordan and Lydia are sure that everyone is talking about them when they’re together. They wonder how many times they’ve been called bitches or hos. Jordan thinks they’ll be the last two girls standing. Jordan admits that she usually pees in the pool but she won’t on Big Brother because they probably have something in the water to detect that. There’s a reason she isn’t in the Brains clique.

The voice of Big Brother is still into useless(or maybe not so useless) trivia…asking the houseguests if they know that there are over 300 species of turtle alive today?

Here’s hoping Lydia gets a reprieve this week. (1) I’m afraid we might end up with another Nerd Herd with the likes of Chima and Natalie. And (2) Chima’s screechy voice and loud laugh just might make me mute my feeds. Or cut my ears off.