Ask a Question or Submit Your Story

Ellie can help!

Today’s Column

May 7, 2009

Be sensitive about her fashion sense

My son’s girlfriend, 18, dresses so provocatively, I worry that she’s inviting trouble. I know she doesn’t mean to look slutty but that’s the impression she conveys. When I mentioned this to my son, he got furious and said I was disrespectful. Is there nothing I can do or say?

- Worried

You can befriend this girl, as a caring adult, but not as a critic. I believe you truly mean well, but personal dress is a sensitive topic, especially to the young who are developing their own style. Go shopping together, point out attractive clothing, compliment her on what looks good on her. Then back off.

My husband’s grandmother died; while she was sick, my husband’s two aunts had her sign a will excluding him and his father (who learned of their actions). Everything was left to the two sisters. Throughout my 10 years of marriage, I knew these aunts were gold-diggers. My husband’s mom died five years ago, so I think his father distanced himself from the family. But he visited his mother often. My husband used to be close with his cousins. He was supposed to stand up at his cousin’s wedding, but was asked not to attend because of the family battle. When I recently gave birth to our first child, it broke his heart not being able to share our joy with them. The aunts have no reason to be mad at him or his father. How do you feel about what they did?

- Disgusted

Greed is ugly, and family greed is a tragedy; those women had to know that their actions would severe important personal ties, through generations. If there’s a legal route your husband and his father can take (depending on whether there’s evidence the aunts used coercion, or the dying woman wasn’t competent to sign), they should seek a review of her will. However, if that’s impossible, neither they nor you should react with similar nastiness. In time, some of his cousins will appreciate his integrity, and hopefully, some family relationships can be renewed.

I immigrated here over two years ago, and soon landed a supervisor’s job in a call centre –I enjoy my job and management recognizes my hard work. In a company of 10,000 employees globally, I’m among the top 10% performers. However, whenever an Indian or Pakistani person comes onto my team, others complain that those are my favourites. My boss invited agents who’d complained, to involve human resources … they backed off because they hadn’t any substantial accusations. I’ve never differentiated between my agents on any basis but their performance. I’ve been successful with people of all colour. I’ve discussed this with my colleagues and boss, but the gossiping continues. I can overlook racist comments outside of work as pure ignorance, but the work situation really bothers me. I hate the implication that I’m a racist.

- Frustrated

Ignorant, insulting comments and attitudes in the workplace should NOT be tolerated. As a valued employee, you should expect some management help in curtailing any offenses.Keep a record of the comments you receive and their impact on other employees. If there’s a negative result in the form of tensions, resentments, time wasted in gossip, then present human resources staff with the details. The irony here is that the people calling you racist are the ones basing their assumptions on skin colour – yours and everyone else’s. They need their own value to the company assessed, or lack thereof, from an official level.

I’m newly married and we’ve argued constantly over many issues. Recently, we disagreed whether I should be able to open my spouse’s mail. He said anything in his name should be opened by him. I think being his spouse gives me rights. I don’t mind if he opened my mail. What affects him, affects me. This behaviour shows me that he doesn’t trust me or has something to hide.

- New Union

Read my lips, not my mail : You’re in the wrong! The privacy of mail is a solid value in our society, and opening others’ mail without permission is illegal. The kindest view still deems it SNOOPING. People enter marriage as individuals, with separate identities; while they may eventually share most of their personal information, it’s overbearing and mistrusting of YOU to expect total fusion overnight. If the constant disagreements continue, you need more than your mail to be separate.

Tip of the day:

A family split over inheritance becomes the negative legacy of all who made it happen.