Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

my life is fucked up.

I have real issues as some of you know. And I am thankful for all of you who try and make me feel better but I have come to the realization that there must be something wrong with me. If after 13 years the man I thought I knew tells me he doesn't love me anymore or even like me for that matter and I think that hurt more than anything else. Then I have a friend of mine who I have become close to but there again not liked in that way. So, tell me what is wrong with me and I don't want to hear how it isn't me it is them because were I sit the one thing in common is me. This is something that was a problem before my stbx also I guess he just found a way to deal with me until now. I feel like shit right now, went walking/running felt a bit better, have to mow the grass the rider wont start used the push mower ran out of gas I have 5 acers if I have to use the push mower it is going to be a long summer.
JUst want to be happy and all of this to be over.

Isn't being 'liked in that way' the exception more than the rule? Like, it won't happen with 99 out of 100 people we meet - that's why it is (supposed to be) special and unique. You can't take your STBX's denial of your relationship at face value; he's invested in making it appear retrospectively as if it was never a genuine relationship. That is an exceedingly common tactic.

Also I hear you talking about whether so-and-so (your STBX and this friend you got close to) liked YOU in 'that way.' Do you define the presence of sexual or romantic feelings in your life passively, i.e., by waiting for someone to direct them at you? Can't your feelings towards others in 'that way' (even if it is just to enjoy looking, or to make your list of celebrity freebies, or whatever it might be) be evidence of desire and desirability in your life? You have some power in this equation, too! Try concentrating on your feelings, thoughts and confidence regarding sexuality, desire and romance rather than waiting for someone else's validation. Feel your power, girlie. That confidence IS sexy.

Momof3g1b,
Of course it is you. That is not a bad thing. You have just not made the right connection yet. Those you have your relationships with are not a match for you. I think we look for qualities in a mate that really arn't suitable for us. My therapist had me write down a list of qualities I truly want in a woman and it wasn't even close to the self destructive pattern I have had in the past. She said that I was always searching out younger girls with needs and issues and tried to &quot;fix&quot; them. Once they were fixed I had succeeded and they no longer needed me. Kind of like taking in a stray, ill dog and then having it run away once healed. Your scenario may be different than mine but the concpt is still the same. I think we need to change the way we think and really soul search for what we want.

he was generally a good man except for when the twins were born 10 years ago our son has special needs and he could not deal with it. He treated me very badly that year, I almost left him and he knew that. Things got better. He was not one to ever say he was sorry about anything, never.He was a hard worker, loved me or so I thought, loved his kids.

If you feel like the one thing is common is you, what are you doing to find out what the problem is and to heal and understand it.. I knew that my choices were shit, so I have worked on me for 3 years and joined al-anon to gain insight into myself and my choices,,. My eyes are wide open now and I know what I will and will not accept.. I don't need another to validate me as a person.. If I want another , that is a different matter.. I would spend this gift of time working on you, find out what baggage you may have taken from one relationship to another and heal before you try to move on again.. it may take a yr or two or more to really understand who you are alone, in confidence and love of yourself. I wish you all the best... Kimmee

I agree with nighthawk as I too am a &quot;fixer&quot;. I spent so much time fixing that I neglected myself. I accepted all the blame and wondered what the hell is wrong with me? The answer was nothing accept not acknowledging who I was and what I needed for myself. I too write things down and return to my list as a way to focus myself and keep me grounded in reality. I believe in the happily ever after but now realize that there are those for whatever reason who don't share that belief. So is it you, sure it is, but it doesn't make you a &quot;damaged person&quot;. It makes you who you are and the healing will begin when you accept that. If there are things you don't like about yourself, then get some help to work on changing those things. You have to be happy with you first.

My opinion is to think back to when you were young child. What made you happy then? It wasn't another person it was something. Doing a hobby, running, painting, doing something that made your spirit feel good. somewhere along the lines of being with someone our intrests and thought seem to change to thinking that we need someone to make us happy but in reality we actually just need something. Once you find that something you will find that someone who actually complments the something.

OK I know my life is not fucked up, I want to thank all of you for your comments, they have helped I am doing better now, needed to take a few moments and sit and think about allthat was said. Thanks again.

You're in a crappy situation, it isn't you it is your situation. It is very hard when your spouse tells yo that he doesn't love you anymore. The most sane person would go crazy at that thought, you are also dealing with a special needs child. Give yourself a break!

There really isn't something wrong with you, BUT, if you really must think that for now (and we have all been there), why not make it something constructive? Say, what is &quot;wrong&quot; (I prefer the thought, &quot;what I can improve about myself is...&quot;) is that I have not figured out a way to constructively examine the criticism I have received.

Look at what your ex or your friend say they don't like about you and see if you really like that about yourself. If you do, then, what is &quot;wrong&quot; is you pick people to surround yourself with that don't appreciate the same things you do. If you agree with them, and don't like those parts of yourself that they are critical about, then try to change those things and realize they are not WHO you are but a PART of the way you have lived your life to now.

Either way, your life will and can get better from here. You will and can find people who love and like you JUST AS YOU ARE if you do; and if you don't love yourself, no one can fully love you until you love yourself. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE NO MATTER WHAT!!! There is nothing PERMANENTLY wrong with you --- you can change, you can grow, and you can be happy --- regardless of whether others are happy with you or your choices! Someone out there will love you no matter what! Will love you &quot;flaws&quot; (or as I call them &quot;quirks&quot;) and all!

In rough times like this, I like to look at all the characters (in books, movies, in my life) that are totally fallible and I LOVE THEM FOR THEIR FLAWS! Make a list yourself, I am sure you can find a few, even if they are imaginary!

Hey Momof3,
You have alot on your plate-and you are keeping it together. Your kids are blessed to have you-you are the one standing by your kids. When someone tries to point the finger and blame you for something they did wrong--they are just passing the buck, and you do not have to take it. Since when did this person who bailed on the marriage earn the right to tell you you have a personality disorder?
Its good to do some self evaluation-but don't listen to a person who is just trying to hurt you. You deserve to be happy. Look for things that you like to do--have some fun with your kids.

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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