Family Guy/Season 8

Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

Monkey: Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.

Lois: Oh, that's terrible.

Monkey: I fell into a deep depression after the divorce which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.

Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say [mocks Brian] "Ooh, I'll get you later", but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much. He's you! God, you're pretentious. And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite". And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should [mocks again] "legalize pot, man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle. And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait. You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter because [mocks again] "religion is for idiots". Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! [sighs, puts his napkin on the table, and sets to leave] I'll see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke. [camera pulls out to show Bill fromFamily Circussitting next to him]

Bill: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.

Brian: You know what, father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and punch your wife in the face?

Stewie: No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]

Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Stewie: Okay, now warn me before you do it, because I don't want to be... [stunned falsetto]Moooon Riiiiver!

[Stewie takes a drink of Brian's Scotch]

Stewie: Mmm, I like that! I mean, I like the stuff that comes out of Lois' breasts better, but I like this too. But I don't wanna get too buzzed! People take advantage of kids when they're drunk. I mean, it would be so easy, and I wouldn't even remember. So don't you try anything!

Vader (Stewie): Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.

[after Darth Vader has cut off Luke's right hand, Leia is about rescue him]

Peter: Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?

Lois: Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.

Peter: No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!

[cut to God sitting on cloud looking down]

God: Don't mention it, Peter.

Chorus: [sing] God! He knows what turns you on!

God: [to the home audience] Have fun!

[at the end of the episode]

Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.