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Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Little Something For Everyone. Or Not.

So, it's Sunday again and I'm doing everything I possibly can to avoid thinking about the fact that tomorrow is Monday and I have to report back to my cubicle prison for the next five soul-sucking days.

Of course, there is nothing better than the internet for major distractions and I figured I would share a few of my recent favorites with you:

1) Slingshot Zombiehammer - I want this. I NEED this. My daily commuter battle with the Great Unwashed would be SO much better if I had this. And it's never too early to prepare for the zombie apocalypse...

2) A friend sent this link to Snarkier Than You and I a few days ago and I'm still laughing my ass off. Writer Lizzie Stark asks the burning question - what if Twilight was written by famous authors?

For example:

Cormac McCarthyIn the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella’s head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.

Be sure to check out her site and then come back here and leave your own in our comments!

Here's what I came up with:

William S. Burroughs
Bella and Edward are heroin addicts living in a slummy apartment building in New York City. The entire book revolves around them trying to get their next hit while dodging authorities and other criminals.

3) So many of you tweeted or emailed this next link to me so there was no way I couldn't blog about it because, seriously, what the fuck?

This reminds of a gift a boyfriend had given me many years ago. It was a book called The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress, which was pretty much a couple of hundred pages extolling the virtues of swallowing semen the old-fashioned way - straight from the penis. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to be smearing cum all over my face, it's going to be because there is a camera in my face and someone is paying me a lot of money to do porn, not because I think it'll maintain my youthful appearance.

Anyway, back to the recipes. I can't stress this enough - take a gander at the preview link on the page and just bask in the amazingness of gems like "Creamy Cum Crepes" or "Man Made Oysters".

I don't know if I'll ever be able to order a protein smoothie again, that's all I'm saying.

Happy Sunday to you all and if you have any jizz-based recipes please share them in the comments.

13 comments:

John Steinbeck:Bella is a bored farmer's wife, and possibly closeted lesbian, in post depression California. When a sexy peddler comes into her garden and refuses her veiled offer of an afternoon delight while her husband is away. Bella is left heartbroken by the peddler to a life of a darling, yet painfully empty wife.

You didn't know about the semen cockbook?!?! I gave this to my best friend for his birthday last year and recorded his reaction! BEST GIFT EVER!! When a girl would come over for a "home cocked meal", he would leave that out in the kitchen for her to find and get paranoid about.

There is a 2nd cockbook that was released. I'm waiting to give him that for his wedding gift...

I'm just going to ignore the last part of this post, in the interest of keeping my dinner in my stomach. Twi Crack Addict posted the other authors thing too, and I'm copying my comment because I'm effing lazy. :)

What about some more contemporary writers?

Stephen King - Werewolves and vampires abound, and none of them are nice. Bella thrashes around and screams for about 300 pages (and not in a good way), and then dies.

Emily Giffin - Bella marries [Edward/Jacob/Mike Newton, pick one], who is faithful and loyal and wants to have babies with her, but her educated, sophisticated, city-girl heart isn't satisfied with a great job and loving husband. She cheats on him and they get divorced, after which she concludes that she is too smart and wild to be held down by any man or child. She dies alone, and her tombstone quotes Gloria Steinem.

JK Rowling - Edward and Bella are magical, and Alice always comes up with just the right spell at exactly the right moment to save their lives, then breezily claims that she read it in a textbook "just for fun." Jasper appears, Alice gets distracted, and bumbling, red-headed Edward can't save Bella. She dies at the hands of a dragon.

It was shockingly easy to imagine JJ, in a querky dress and doc martins, taking down commuters willy nilly with the Slingshot Zombiehammer with a maniacal grin on her lovely face. Giggling. Maniacally. I didn't even have to try.

@Nix - Gotta be honest, I definitely wished I had that slingshot this morning. The trains were off the hook.

And the reviews of the semen cookbook were hysterical. Of course, ML decided to check out Twitarded randomly last night and he was very intrigued by this cookbook until I told him he would have to eat it too. Gross.

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