SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

fdecember 16 - ound him asleep with phone in his hand
they had been texting eachother
he denied and deleted
said someone was texting the wrong number

december 29 - intercepted text while he was sleeping
craftily responded as him and got confirmation that texts were for him
she said i love you
confronted him and he still denied saying the nick name she called him is commonplace

jan 2 - he finally admitted to what i already figured out --- said it was someone he slept with years ago before we were together

unfortunately, I'm sure you will be updating -- TT in progress. Hang on to your hat and your stomach. Wishing you strength! ((haleyscomet))

[This message edited by Take2 at 7:31 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4259 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England

keptmypromise♂ 36178Member # 36178

Posted: 7:51 AM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013

Yep...sounds classic. Your inturrupting his fantasy...tip of the iceberg. Your presented with the early stages of a lose/lose situation. Suspicion drives us crazy...and then the truth, which is no better. ((haleyscomet)).

Post your updates...be prepared for a rough ride. Visit this site often to help you throughout.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4619 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana

stillcrying4ever♀ 38310Member # 38310

Posted: 1:34 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2013

Yep. My ws also was sleeping with his phone. Soon as he caught me trying to see what he was doing he put a password in. There was a lot more going on then I ever could have imagined.

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

haleyscomet♀ 38250Member # 38250

Posted: 3:17 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013

thank u everyone....

yep - tip of the iceberg

progress since Jan 2nd

after (semi)confession on Jan 2nd I expressed all my hurt/rage and suspicions...

that even if it was JUST what he said...

what he said: we were fighting and i bumped into so and so at the grocery store and so yeah I gave her my # and it was wrong.... and I'm sorry - BUT IT'S BEEN ONLY TEXTING - NOTHING HAPPENED AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. IT'S OVER. THERE WON'T BE ANY MORE TEXTS.

me to him: you let someone else think that they can have you. that hurts. you made her feel more special to you than me. you kept a secret with her behind my back and made a fool out of me.

I didn't believe it was JUST TEXTING

I left 2 days later

he called me, I didn't answer
he texted me (with an attitude: "you're overreacting" "be how you want to be" etc .
I didn't answer

7 days after I left, Jan 11 -- he texted: "I miss you so much (my name)" "please come home"

I admit - I melted... I responded

me: "I won't come home to what I left..." (competing with not only his need to drink and smoke weed and hang with his friends but now ALSO attention he solicits from other women"

him: (in denial/with a mock air of being indignant) "this conversation is done and so are we"

I did NOT text back.

JAN 14th (3 days later) --

him: "I miss you so much (my name)"

.... I'll cut to the chase...
I ended up calling him within a day. He begged me to come home. Within a few days I booked a flight and told him I'd be in town to take care of some business (true) and that I'd see him and we'd "see how it goes"

between then and Jan 25th we spoke on the phone.... him saying he can't wait til I'm back home. me saying we'll see how it goes....

on Jan 25th I pressed him to tell me how he ended it with "her".... he said he stopped answering her texts and she got the message.

Jan 29th - I returned

fast forward to Jan 31st...

I had been back 'home' two days and found out that that was ANOTHER LIE

he had confessed to still texting her after I was gone - because I was gone and he thought I wasn't coming back... but then after me saying I was coming back he told her their conversations had to end

Jan 31 - I had a flight booked and after spending 2 days "seeing how it goes" I woke him and told him I'd be on my flight and that it was for the best because I didn't trust him or ever accept that it was JUST what he said it was (texting).... I pressed him again: How did you end it? When is the last time you spoke?" That's when he 'confessed" to continuing the texts after I left but calling her when I told him I was coming back and telling her that the communication had to stop"
him: I don't want to lose you over this... please don't go.... I'm going to show you every day how much I love you... It won't ever happen again..."

I cancelled my flight (moved it to next week anyway)

Two hours later I got a hold of his cellphone and found that he had LIED

the last call was 1:30a.m. in the morning - right before I arrived.

he then said/confessed: yes I kept speaking to her because you weren't here... but on that last call it was to tell her you were coming back and that he couldn't speak to her anymore

that was Jan 31at...

Since then I have rode him for more info... and just yesterday I felt he was more forthcoming...

but I still don't believe that just texts and phone conversations and what he has told me about 'them' is the whole truth

I'm EXTREMELY hurt and BAMBOOZLED that he kept even just texting her and talking to her AFTER I LEFT

this sucks.

I'm here for now.... and we've spoke about him getting help for his addictions....

I THINK I can forgive him if whatever it is IS REALLY over... but here I am waiting for the superbowl to start... and Google-ing cell-phone monitoring software...

I'm sorry to hear about all of the cake-eating that's hes doing. And that is exactly what he IS doing. Keeping both of you on call so that he has the best of both worlds.

Nows the time for you to decide exactly what you want and what you will and will not accept. Get what we affectionately call your Bitch Boots on and demand full NC, transparency, all passwords to all electronics, and complete honesty. Or leave, contact a lawyer, and 180 him other than having him served.

You're a strong woman. You can do this. We're here for you.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California

haleyscomet♀ 38250Member # 38250

Posted: 4:28 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013

thank you for your reply Skam.

I read your story... so sorry... it does SUCK SO VERY VERY MUCH.
Glad to hear he's cooperating...

He's told me he lied because he did not want to lose me...

But I'm more prone to believe its the SELFISH cake eating that you referred to.

Mudderfudger -- kept in touch with her....

Well - He's insisting that its over --- and that there is nor will be no more contact and that he's been "transparent" -- which I won't take his word for... but becoming discouraged that I can't get a device for his cellphone because its a cheap old flip phone...

this sucks...

if he's doing the work with you - i'm actually jealous -- whether its of your being strong enough to push for it -- and/or of his wanting you enough to do it.

I'll offer whatever comfort/support I can and try as well to be inspired by your strength and the strength of others here

D Day May 27, 2012
Married 39 years
2 kids, 3 grand kids and 1 on the way

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

exhausted lady♀ 30217Member # 30217

Posted: 6:33 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013

becoming discouraged that I can't get a device for his cellphone because its a cheap old flip phone...

Hmmm....I've heard those cheap ol' flip phones don't work very well after they've been flushed down the toilet, or smacked with a hammer. He'd have to upgrade....to something that you could probably track. Especially if you get it for him and install the tracking apps before he gets his hands on it.

Okay, I admit it. I'm evil.

But, if you're even giving a slight consideration to trying R with this man, you need to have a way to keep "eyes on". He's already shown you that. Good luck honey, and stay strong. Oh, and find those bitch boots!!!

Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado

LonelyHusband♂ 34145Member # 34145

Posted: 8:34 PM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2013

Okay, I admit it. I'm evil.

this isn't evil. It's clever :)

I did something similar. When OktoberMest was in False R with me, I swapped out her old work phone for a smartphone I had installed a load of monitoring software on. She knew what was happening. She said "But I dont want a new phone" Yeah. that told me everything I needed to know about whether R was real or not.

Reconciling.
ďA wizard is never late. Nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to".
Apparently not an appropriate reason for coming home drunk at 2AM.

Posts: 1305 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK

haleyscomet♀ 38250Member # 38250

Posted: 6:06 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013

been away a while --- update in order

Feb 20th - checked his phone
found text messages to her
Her messages were deleted

IRATELY confronted him immediately

He said she only text him "What's up?" his response (which I saw): "Working hard girl" He said she then asked "Is your girl still with you?" to which he responded "Yea"

I told him I don't care how innocent he claims it was - HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO ANSWER ANY CALLS OR TEXTS FROM HER!
That is what he had agreed to but obviously that promise WAS A LIE.

I left him (moved out permanently) yesterday. In the end what I could no longer withstand was the lack of affection... its like I felt him fall out of love with me
I am heart broken - but its not the same as it was when I left January 4th. At that time I felt like I needed him to heal/comfort me - which is why I ended up going back January 29th. In the 6 weeks since I have learned that he does not have in him the love that I need.

Looking back its been a while since I've felt the love I need coming from him. I doubt the other woman was the cause of this - but rather an effect.

Up to the end he claimed not only that he loves me but also that he was still IN LOVE with me.

His actions however betrayed his words...
and I stopped believing the lie.

BS (me) 27
WH (him) 31
Married almost 6 years
DDay 1/2/13 ONS on 12/26/12 with exgf/best friend of 15 years
Kids: 3, ages 5, 3 and soon to be 1
Too soon to tell what will happen

every whisper, every sigh
eats away at this heart of mine

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2013

Mikey56♂ 38063Member # 38063

Posted: 6:51 PM, March 12th (Tuesday), 2013

HC,

I admire your strength to stand up for yourself. You did the right thing.

Stay strong and take care of you. You deserve better.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013

haleyscomet♀ 38250Member # 38250

Posted: 2:01 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013

i left him on March 11th
last posted here on march 12th

i kept in touch with him / allowed him to stay in touch with me... it was very unsatisfying and counterproductive

the last time we spoke was April 7th
I stopped answering his calls

He began to text me. I ignored him.

April 9th he text "We are through."
I didn't respond.

April 10th he text me "Please talk to me"

I text him back about how he f*cked up and how even after leaving this third time he still didn't show me anything to make me believe that he loved me and that i didn't believe him when he denied seeing or talking to the OW. I REMINDED HIM ABOUT EVERY LIE.

He text me back that I was wrong - that he was alone.

I didn't respond.

Two hours later he text me that he loved me and missed me "so very much"

I didn't respond.

April 11 he text and I ignored
April 12 he did not text
April 13th he text me

I text him back. - Itold him that I don't believe him and that I don't trust him and that it was his fault

He didn't respond.

April 25 he CALLED ME.
I was shocked. I did not answer. So he text me asking if I wasn't answering his calls anymore. I did not respond.
1-1/2 hours later he text me asking if I'm ever going to talk to him. I did not respond.
45 minutes after that he text that he loves me and that I was always good to him. He said he hoped I was okay and not sad. He said he was not doing too good.

I cried. But I did not respond.

April 28 - He text me "Hi"
I did not respond.
45 minutes later he text me "Say hello"
I did not respond.

I am stronger the longer I stay away.

Just wanted to share and give hope for anyone else who went through false reconciliation and/or ended up leaving and who is suffering the pain of ending it.

Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 395 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 11:01 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013

Seriously, what kind of complete coward TEXTS you when you leave him due to infidelity???

A real man would have called or shown up on your doorstep begging your forgiveness. Instead of manning up and doing that, he resorts to freakin TEXTING.

I think you're smart for finally pulling this mess off life support. Good for you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

sunshine226♀ 38851Member # 38851

Posted: 11:20 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013

so many things here are similar to my situation, stupid cell phones, stupid lies, stupid WS's

NC is hard at first and a daily struggle, I broke NC yesterday after 2 weeks and i feel like I am starting over again, I dont even know why I caved!!!!!

I havent seen him for almost 6 weeks, and last time he was here, told him I dont want to see him anymore as long as she is a part of his life. And almost 6 weeks has past

My heart is starting to accept that he has made his decision despite telling me the whole time he's coming back, and told other people too, but NOT OW

What doesnt kill us makes us stronger............I really hope so

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013

Skan♀ 35812Member # 35812

Posted: 5:15 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013

So now that you've figured out that your stronger when you don't reply at all to him, and that you don't need him, how about blocking his number from your phone? Why would you want to keep being bothered by him? Because all he's doing is fishing to see if you'll take the hook again. Go total NC. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.