Sunday, January 5, 2014

On Marrying Young

The day we stopped laughing.

I'm kind of late to the party. When you combine my tardiness with the notion that marrying young is like leaving the party at nine, well shoot, I am just the worst party invitee ever, am I not?Although I'll confess something ... I've always liked leaving the party early. But that is beside the point. When I first saw the blog post, "23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23," I clicked on it right away as I normally do when I see posts of the sort. I don't read them to get angry. On the contrary, I normally read them for a chuckle because I have to admit that I find it amusing to see what a humdrum life most of society seems to think Chris and I live.

You know what. She was shockingly right. Since getting married, we have stopped traveling ... except for those trips to the Philippines, Scotland and Ireland. We stopped enjoying new experiences ... other than learning to ski (me) and road tripping to see the Grand Canyon. We are settled and old fashioned ... if you forget about our two moves. Yep, things have clearly gone downhill since we tied the knot. So after a lighthearted chit chat with the old ball and chain and a week to mull the post and its response over, I have one thing to say to the author of the post.Thank you.Thank you for perpetuating the notion that young marriage is where you go to die. It is because of people who think the way you do that I was fully ready to walk down the aisle at twenty-one years of age a mere three months after graduating from college and two months before I walked in the graduation ceremony. That probably doesn't make sense. Read on, dear reader.I've mentioned before that meeting my husband at eighteen and have two kids at twenty four was not what I saw in my future. It's not that I disliked the thought; I just didn't think it was possible, plus I felt a lot of pressure to make something of myself before "settling down."

Yet, meeting Chris was a dream come true no matter how early it was. It was and is unreal how perfect he is for me.

For the record, we weren't exactly rebellious trailblazers betting our whole life on love. By the time we were married, both of us had traveled extensively, graduated from college, we both had the same beliefs, Chris was gainfully employed and I was in a good position for employment opportunities.

Now I wish I could say getting engaged to him and the months after were a fairy tale, but they weren't. Far from it.While the vast majority of our friends and family were positive, some people very close and very important to me were not happy at all about our decision. I was too young. I was throwing my life away. I needed prestige. My education was wasted. I needed to live for myself. There were fights and lots of them. I knew it came from love, but I was hurt and so was Chris. It was hard. I would see other people older than I was get engaged and everyone in their worlds would be ecstatic and helpful, yet I was supposed to feel shame. So why was all of this good? Opposition made me put my mouth where my ring was. It was an opportunity to live what I believe.

No, I was not getting married for the show of it, for the ring, the gorgeous dress and the honeymoon. Chris and I always planned to pay for the necessities of the church, the priest, the premarital counseling and the marriage license ourselves because we wanted to be able to be married no matter what. No, I was not getting married for benefits. No, I was not getting married just to be able to live together. No, I was not getting married merely because it was the next step. No, I was not getting married just because we felt sooooooo in loooooove. We were getting married to serve each other; it was not just a celebration of love or something to make us happy. We were getting married to receive the Sacrament of Matrimony. We wanted to receive that outward sign of grace leading us to Christ and to receive it til death do us part. Marriage has not robbed me of my freedom. It has given me freedom from my self, my naturally selfish person. I am honored to serve my husband. Has it been easy? No. Of course not. Marriage is inherently difficult no matter the age. I always have to put someone else first, and I am not wired that way. But I love it. And I knew that it was going to be this difficult and this fulfilling because I had to defend myself against society's view that a selfless marriage is an institution to enter only after you have perfected yourself as a selfish being. So to all of you that thought I was going to die once I vowed my life to Chris, thank you. Truly and sincerely, thank you. I wish you well. And you can alert the media because this blog post must be coming from the afterlife.

32 comments
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Thank you so much for your words Katrina! As a newly engaged grad student, these words were just what I needed to hear! It is comforting to know that my fiancé and I are not the only ones who have had to deal with negative comments regarding our young age.

My goodness, that "23" article is disturbing. The divorce rate is as such because of those types of people...you are such a lady for not linking it but I googled it anyway :) It's astounding how many things she got wrong!

I got married in college :) My hubby is 4 years old though. A lot of people thought I was crazy for marrying so young, but it didn't really change my life path. I graduated from a top 5 Philly university with honors. I work as a teacher and started a photography business too. Some days I just wish I was lucky enough to be a SAHM though. We've traveled everywhere with kids too! We are taking an island cruise this May (with the kids). This will be our 3rd cruise since we got married.

Anyway, didn't realize we had similar stories! Do you have a post on how you met/fell in love? I'd love to read it.

P.S. My dad always says "his life started when he got married" ;) It's true! What could be more fulfilling than meeting a person you love and having kids?

I love this. Thanks for posting--this is the best response I have seen. I relate to your story so much--I was 21 and my husband 24. I am now 24 and baby #2 in on his/her way. We are so excited! It is hard for me to read things like that other article because I wonder if that is what people really think of me. But then I realize it doesn't matter. My husband and I find meaning in our life and our family living the way we do and that is what is important.

This makes me happy. :) Very well-written. I chuckled (like a "you TELL 'em" kind of chuckle - so in a good way) at this:

"And I knew that it was going to be this difficult and this fulfilling because I had to defend myself against society's view that a selfless marriage is an institution to enter only after you have perfected yourself as a selfish being."

Beautifully written. Here is the thing. There is always someone who will have an opinion about what we are doing in life. I married at 30. I didn't meet my husband until we were 29. I spent a lot of years single and or dating the wrong guys. I felt judged about that. There is nothing worse then showing up to a dinner party or a wedding SINGLE. That is actually not true at all but people can sure make you feel that way. I wish I was more confident in my path at the time and trusted God more, and didn't let people's snide comments about lack of dates get to me as much. You have a beautiful family and were lucky to meet such a good man so early. It probably saved you a lot of heart ache in the end. We all have our own paths in life. We can't put others expectations ahead of what we know will truly make us happy. P.s my husband is really the love of my life and was worth the wait :)

Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Christine! I know I was very, very lucky. Ugh, that is horrible people made you feel that way. I'm not sure if you thought I was saying that young marriage is the only way, but I should have been more clear. As my friend Ann said earlier in the week, "There is nothing wrong with getting married young, if it's for the right reasons. There's also nothing wrong with getting married when you're older, if it's for the right reasons." Trusting in God's plan can be so hard! I'm happy for you and the love of your life :)

Love this post! I got married at 23 and then my husband and I have been spending the last 4 years finishing up school. We had many adventures before getting married and some people think we were crazy, but I have no regrets. Choosing to spend and invest time with one person is hard but so very worth it. Your words were great :)

I love this post too!! I can totally relate to people's "you're wasting your life" comment and I didn't marry that young, I was 24. Like another person who commented said, people will always judge you, if you marry too young, too old, too many kids, not enough, they're never happy.

I LOVE this post! As someone who started dating my husband when we were both only 15 and then married him as soon as we could possibly get it done after our college graduations, when we were 22--I couldn't agree with you more!

This is just so beautifully written. It's one of my favorite posts of yours.

Thank you! My uncle was giving the homily and talking about directing each other to heaven and started to make fun of me for my lack of directional knowledge since I got lost going from my uncle and aunt's house to my grandma's ... not a hard drive!

Katrina - this is such a thoughtful post. I love it. I did not get married until I was 28, and like a poster above said, I spent too many years after college dating all the wrong people and having my heart broken. I am also glad that I "waited" for my husband, but I do wish I hadn't looked at so many frogs along the way. I used to be one of those people judging those who married young - I think because I bought into what society said about having "experiences" before you get married. I had several cousins who married right out of college and I thought they were crazy at the time. Now I know better!! We are raising our boys to understand the beauty of the sacrament of marriage, and that God has a chosen person for you. I trust their judgment in finding and recognizing that person when they enter their lives, and I hope that I am happy and supportive of their decision to marry, whatever their age. I feel like I need to bookmark this to send it to people when those engagements start coming!!

I am always happy to hear of others that were married young. My husband and I were married when we were 21 year old. We had been dating since I was 15 and he was 16, so the wait felt long. My husband had literally graduated from college 3 weeks before, but had a job lined up, and I still had a semester of school. In society's eyes, we weren't financially "set" for the long term, but I tell you what, God has provided in beautiful ways for our family. We just celebrated 10 married years together, and found out that we are expecting baby #6! I am sure that my former self would have had a heart attack to see my current self, but God is so good and so is this beautiful life he has given us together. Thanks for sharing about your cute family on your blog!