So, the motto/mantra is To Think Is To Create. And for a LONG LONG time, I heard this from my partner and believed its reality and truth. And then, when I stepped out of my depression and my house and my sheltered (sorta) life, I began watching as women of privilege worked very very hard to create their Perfect Births. Hypnobirthing classes, childbirth classes, reading all the "right" books, hiring a doula, a midwife, planning their elaborate home waterbirths... and then they had horrendous labors, transports, ending up, 2 in particular, not only with cesareans, but with cesareans with general anesthesia! What is up with that? Or the UC women we know who work so hard to birth their wondrous babes only to have them die. Or our hospital mums... and their amazing work to create the birth they need and want on their path... and they are given birthrape instead. What of that?

What of children who are molested? Folks who are raped? If all thoughts manifest into reality, who the fuck is thinking up these thoughts at 6 months (or 6 years or 16 years) old?

Is this cynical? Or real? I can't wait to explore it more the next 3 days, 'cuz if no one else brings it up, I sure am.

Now, I will agree that there are no accidents in the choreography of our lives (my words, finding more poetry than they used). The rapes and incest and neglect and watching a drugged mom and all that I lived through have helped make me who I am. Crappy childhood and early adulthood, sure, but I wouldn't have gotten into therapy and found new ways to mother (not only my Self, but my children, too!), new ways to cope (besides killing my Self), new ways to handle difficulties in relationships, etc. Does it mean I am glad I had those things happen? Hell, no! Does it mean I Own the experience? Absolutely. By taking them and making them mine, I take the shitheads' power from them and become stronger as they get weaker. (My incestuous step-grandfather killed himself about 4 years ago... thank the Goddess! Ding dong, the Witch is dead!)