2nd baby W/ 2nd baby mama.......

Hello gentleman.
I'm asking this because I have a serious question on my heart.
I am my husbands second wife, pregnant with his second child. This is my first marriage and child.
His first child, a girl, is now 4 1/2. He loves her, let's her get away with anything ( wich i'm fine with, she loves her daddy and does not get to be with him as often as she would like) and she thinks the world of him.
We are now 17 1/2 weeks pregnant. We find out the sex on daddys birthday ( not intentionally, it was just the first available date offered)
Daddy, of course wants a boy.
I, without question, want a boy.
I'm going to be honest and tell you that I'm terrified it's a girl.
Everything I'm going to say is honest rather than sugar coated.
I don't want a girl because I don't want my first child to be "less than" or second place to his daughter.
Call that messed up if you want, but I have no choice but to play 2nd fiddle in his life, my child should not have too.
My husband is an absolutely WONDERFUL man whom I am nothing short of priviledged to have in my life.
He is a lover and provider, best friend and soon to be father of my first child.
As hard as he works, the child support he pays to his ex ( more like alimony) is choking us, and there is no way we could supply the same monetary ammount to our child. IOW- I'm quite honestly going to be lucky if we can afford a crib, second hand or not, while his ex has now quit her job, ( she doesn't have a money problem with her new husbands money, and my husbands child support).
And again, quite honestly it pisses me off, and I'm jealouse. If not jealouse, I don't know what to call the feeling of believing that my child has the same and equal right to a decent lifestyle with ample clothing toys etc like his first.
On top of worrying that there is not enough resources to go around when they are lopsidedly directed at his ex, I'm also TERRIFIED that if I don't have a boy, my husband will not be happy ( deep down), or could not possibly love his second girl equally with his first.
So, if your able to sift through and understand this rant, what I'm asking is, " could a man ever really love two the same? Doesn't everyone say that " nothing is like your first?"
Childish I may seem, but I'm not lesser than his first wife, and I don't believe my child should be either. She has turned this into some weird competition ( via text) with me and seemes consumed by wanting to know the sex of our unborn child ( asking the heartbeat etc) knowing that daddy wanted a boy when he got his little girl with her too...
Btw- his ex is pregnant again, with her 3rd child. Only weeks behind me!!!! Always messing with me, asking me what names I like, and then telling me that those names were the very same she and my husband considered when they were together.
Ever since she found out I'm pregnant, she seems to want to cause more trouble. No surprise really.
So perhaps that sheds some light.
I really don't know if I have a prefference not influenced by daddy. But I know he has always wanted a boy, and I have always craved to be the one to give him a boy!!! If it's a girl... I'm not sure what I'm going to feel...
Are there any 2nd time dads out there that can relate??

Hello gentleman.
I'm asking this because I have a serious question on my heart.
I am my husbands second wife, pregnant with his second child. This is my first marriage and child.
His first child, a girl, is now 4 1/2. He loves her, let's her get away with anything ( wich i'm fine with, she loves her daddy and does not get to be with him as often as she would like) and she thinks the world of him.
We are now 17 1/2 weeks pregnant. We find out the sex on daddys birthday ( not intentionally, it was just the first available date offered)
Daddy, of course wants a boy.
I, without question, want a boy.
I'm going to be honest and tell you that I'm terrified it's a girl.
Everything I'm going to say is honest rather than sugar coated.
I don't want a girl because I don't want my first child to be "less than" or second place to his daughter.
Call that messed up if you want, but I have no choice but to play 2nd fiddle in his life, my child should not have too.
My husband is an absolutely WONDERFUL man whom I am nothing short of priviledged to have in my life.
He is a lover and provider, best friend and soon to be father of my first child.
As hard as he works, the child support he pays to his ex ( more like alimony) is choking us, and there is no way we could supply the same monetary ammount to our child. IOW- I'm quite honestly going to be lucky if we can afford a crib, second hand or not, while his ex has now quit her job, ( she doesn't have a money problem with her new husbands money, and my husbands child support).
And again, quite honestly it pisses me off, and I'm jealouse. If not jealouse, I don't know what to call the feeling of believing that my child has the same and equal right to a decent lifestyle with ample clothing toys etc like his first.
On top of worrying that there is not enough resources to go around when they are lopsidedly directed at his ex, I'm also TERRIFIED that if I don't have a boy, my husband will not be happy ( deep down), or could not possibly love his second girl equally with his first.
So, if your able to sift through and understand this rant, what I'm asking is, " could a man ever really love two the same? Doesn't everyone say that " nothing is like your first?"
Childish I may seem, but I'm not lesser than his first wife, and I don't believe my child should be either. She has turned this into some weird competition ( via text) with me and seemes consumed by wanting to know the sex of our unborn child ( asking the heartbeat etc) knowing that daddy wanted a boy when he got his little girl with her too...
Btw- his ex is pregnant again, with her 3rd child. Only weeks behind me!!!! Always messing with me, asking me what names I like, and then telling me that those names were the very same she and my husband considered when they were together.
Ever since she found out I'm pregnant, she seems to want to cause more trouble. No surprise really.
So perhaps that sheds some light.
I really don't know if I have a prefference not influenced by daddy. But I know he has always wanted a boy, and I have always craved to be the one to give him a boy!!! If it's a girl... I'm not sure what I'm going to feel...
Are there any 2nd time dads out there that can relate??

Not a second time dad. My SO also has an 8 year old daughter from a previous "relationship" (Uhh... She slept with him while he was sh!tfaced drunk and ended up pregnant with his daughter hoping that it would force them together... It didn't) but anywho lol I am in my 37th week with his son. I felt the EXACT same way you do. I thought I was being rather childish and I kept trying to tell myself that he will love another daughter just the same as a son. I was a jealous, nervous wreck. I had actually talked to him about this and even though he had wanted a boy before he even had his daughter, that he wouldn't love another girl any less. Before I found out the sex he actually got really excited about the possibility of either. I had convinced myself we were going to have a girl just because I had driven myself crazy over it... Brian (my SO) and I had picked out a girl name that he LOVED (Morrigan Bryanna) and he actually started to look forward to a girl! Of course I nearly peed myself once we found out it was undoubtedly a boy. To help ease all of your discomfort and worries I truly believe that your man will adore the child you two have together no matter the sex because he is in love with YOU. You two have a wonderful gift together, boy or girl. And of course once he holds the baby y'all made together he won't care if it's a boy or girl. I think a lot of men would like a son but even if it is a girl don't get down about it and feel as though your child is second best. I promise it won't be.

Not a second time dad. My SO also has an 8 year old daughter from a previous "relationship" (Uhh... She slept with him while he was sh!tfaced drunk and ended up pregnant with his daughter hoping that it would force them together... It didn't) but anywho lol I am in my 37th week with his son. I felt the EXACT same way you do. I thought I was being rather childish and I kept trying to tell myself that he will love another daughter just the same as a son. I was a jealous, nervous wreck. I had actually talked to him about this and even though he had wanted a boy before he even had his daughter, that he wouldn't love another girl any less. Before I found out the sex he actually got really excited about the possibility of either. I had convinced myself we were going to have a girl just because I had driven myself crazy over it... Brian (my SO) and I had picked out a girl name that he LOVED (Morrigan Bryanna) and he actually started to look forward to a girl! Of course I nearly peed myself once we found out it was undoubtedly a boy. To help ease all of your discomfort and worries I truly believe that your man will adore the child you two have together no matter the sex because he is in love with YOU. You two have a wonderful gift together, boy or girl. And of course once he holds the baby y'all made together he won't care if it's a boy or girl. I think a lot of men would like a son but even if it is a girl don't get down about it and feel as though your child is second best. I promise it won't be.

He clearly does not have any problem loving a daughter, given that he already has a girl whom he loves and enjoys very much. You know he can love a daughter. And if he would like a boy, then you can trust that he would love a son, too.

It would be very different if you said he had a daughter and he couldn't relate to her or get along with her or something. But that's not the case here.

That's why we don't care one lick about Offspring the Younger. It would be nice to have a girl, sure, but given how much we are in love with the Gurg, another son would be a delight, too.

The second child is a no-lose situation.

He clearly does not have any problem loving a daughter, given that he already has a girl whom he loves and enjoys very much. You know he can love a daughter. And if he would like a boy, then you can trust that he would love a son, too.

It would be very different if you said he had a daughter and he couldn't relate to her or get along with her or something. But that's not the case here.

That's why we don't care one lick about Offspring the Younger. It would be nice to have a girl, sure, but given how much we are in love with the Gurg, another son would be a delight, too.

How can any father love a child of his less??? Of course his love will be"different" for each child. As I have a 9yr old a 2 yr old and one on the way. I've been teasing my wife that I will only accept a boy (the other two are girls), but the honest truth is that, what ever God gives us I'll be overjoyed!!! Sure not having his "first" means that it won't be the same, but that can also be a good thing as well. He'll know what to do more than before, be willingly to help out more than before, and finally be able to be a father again, and no 1,2,3,4... Etc. child will matter when you're going be a dad again! Good luck!

How can any father love a child of his less??? Of course his love will be"different" for each child. As I have a 9yr old a 2 yr old and one on the way. I've been teasing my wife that I will only accept a boy (the other two are girls), but the honest truth is that, what ever God gives us I'll be overjoyed!!! Sure not having his "first" means that it won't be the same, but that can also be a good thing as well. He'll know what to do more than before, be willingly to help out more than before, and finally be able to be a father again, and no 1,2,3,4... Etc. child will matter when you're going be a dad again! Good luck!

I'm going to suggest you try to look at this from another angle, there is very little you can do with regard to the child support etc and you could easily drive yourself crazy over it which won't do you or your baby any good. But regardless of how many material goods his first daughter may have or how little this new baby may have, it will have your husband there as a full time daddy which is worth more than all the cribs and toys you could care to want, and that is something that his first daughter was not fortunate enough to experience. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I'm sure it's not easy but he is YOUR husband now and he will love the baby you have made together, you just need to talk to him and let him reassure you, good luck with everything!!

I'm going to suggest you try to look at this from another angle, there is very little you can do with regard to the child support etc and you could easily drive yourself crazy over it which won't do you or your baby any good. But regardless of how many material goods his first daughter may have or how little this new baby may have, it will have your husband there as a full time daddy which is worth more than all the cribs and toys you could care to want, and that is something that his first daughter was not fortunate enough to experience. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I'm sure it's not easy but he is YOUR husband now and he will love the baby you have made together, you just need to talk to him and let him reassure you, good luck with everything!!

I'm a first-time Dad and not a second timer, but I will just say that if he is as good of a guy as you say, then it's hard for me to believe that he would love a daughter he has with you less than a son just because he has a daughter already. As for all that other stuff - it is what it is. Getting mad and jealous about it isn't going to change it, so I would try to put it out of your mind.

I'm a first-time Dad and not a second timer, but I will just say that if he is as good of a guy as you say, then it's hard for me to believe that he would love a daughter he has with you less than a son just because he has a daughter already. As for all that other stuff - it is what it is. Getting mad and jealous about it isn't going to change it, so I would try to put it out of your mind.

To All:
Thank you for your input and suggestions. Both for the woman who understood my position, and for the men, of whom even though I invaded their forum were kind enough to give me straight forward- honest advice.
I think as ugly as this sounds I may be placing my own insecurities on this child.
Obviously not healthy, and now that I see this has me concerned about my mothering abilities....
I don't want my child to be 2nd place, 2nd rate, or any less than his first.
I knew before we conceived that he had a previous child.
Honestly, if I thought he would not love or care for ours I wouldn't be here.... And yet I'm still concerned...
And I'm sorry to sound whiney.
I didn't really expect anyone to say they were surprised I would think anything other than he would love his second as much as his first.
And I suppose there is nothing I can do about the mortgage/child support we pay to a woman who has no accountability and is free to spend the "childs" money on clothes for herself, car payment, and other bills unrelated to child care food or clothing for the child... I think that applies to most cases and as a woman.. I cannot believe some of us are free to do such things without accountability!!!
Ahh... Comendations to the men who take the time to be on this forum and care about their pregnancies and children. I wish all the men in the world were like you. What a better place this world would be ...

To All:
Thank you for your input and suggestions. Both for the woman who understood my position, and for the men, of whom even though I invaded their forum were kind enough to give me straight forward- honest advice.
I think as ugly as this sounds I may be placing my own insecurities on this child.
Obviously not healthy, and now that I see this has me concerned about my mothering abilities....
I don't want my child to be 2nd place, 2nd rate, or any less than his first.
I knew before we conceived that he had a previous child.
Honestly, if I thought he would not love or care for ours I wouldn't be here.... And yet I'm still concerned...
And I'm sorry to sound whiney.
I didn't really expect anyone to say they were surprised I would think anything other than he would love his second as much as his first.
And I suppose there is nothing I can do about the mortgage/child support we pay to a woman who has no accountability and is free to spend the "childs" money on clothes for herself, car payment, and other bills unrelated to child care food or clothing for the child... I think that applies to most cases and as a woman.. I cannot believe some of us are free to do such things without accountability!!!
Ahh... Comendations to the men who take the time to be on this forum and care about their pregnancies and children. I wish all the men in the world were like you. What a better place this world would be ...

One thing I learned pretty quickly in my short time as a parent is that logic and rationality don't always play a big role in how approach and feel things where our kids are concerned (see my post re: Maintaining Calm and Composure), so don't feel too bad about it. I think we can all understand or relate to one extent or another. Just try to keep in mind that you seem to have a guy who's going to be active and engaged as a parent, and that there is nothing you can do about what happened in the past. Onward and upward!

One thing I learned pretty quickly in my short time as a parent is that logic and rationality don't always play a big role in how approach and feel things where our kids are concerned (see my post re: Maintaining Calm and Composure), so don't feel too bad about it. I think we can all understand or relate to one extent or another. Just try to keep in mind that you seem to have a guy who's going to be active and engaged as a parent, and that there is nothing you can do about what happened in the past. Onward and upward!

If you're freaking out and all worried about this now, imagine how that first daughter is going to feel at some point. As a previous poster pointed out, your daughter will have daddy full-time at home while his first daughter is divided between two families. She's the one getting the shorter end of the stick. Of course, he'll likely feel some guilt due to this and may try to compensate by spoiling her, but hey...this is what you must face and deal with when you marry a person that already has kids. It really wouldn't be that different if you were having a son, in my opinion. You need to suck it up and try to love his first daughter as well. You don't want to make things uncomfortable for your husband. You certainly would not want him to feel as though he had to choose.

If you're freaking out and all worried about this now, imagine how that first daughter is going to feel at some point. As a previous poster pointed out, your daughter will have daddy full-time at home while his first daughter is divided between two families. She's the one getting the shorter end of the stick. Of course, he'll likely feel some guilt due to this and may try to compensate by spoiling her, but hey...this is what you must face and deal with when you marry a person that already has kids. It really wouldn't be that different if you were having a son, in my opinion. You need to suck it up and try to love his first daughter as well. You don't want to make things uncomfortable for your husband. You certainly would not want him to feel as though he had to choose.

Sorry, lurking on the board... Why not wait on finding out the sex?? It sounds kinda bad, but it's really a lot easier not to care about gender at the moment of birth, and you won't have months of agonizing over possible reactions. A surprise is fun!

Sorry, lurking on the board... Why not wait on finding out the sex?? It sounds kinda bad, but it's really a lot easier not to care about gender at the moment of birth, and you won't have months of agonizing over possible reactions. A surprise is fun!

I would just smile and tell the b!tch that you don't know the gender even if you do, don't have a name picked even if you do, don't remember the heartbeat even if you do, etc. No reason to let her ruin your pregnancy, which she is totally trying to do, and no reason to fight with her and make the daughter suffer... Also, child support should be reviewed every so often, when was your hubbys situation last reviewed??

I would just smile and tell the b!tch that you don't know the gender even if you do, don't have a name picked even if you do, don't remember the heartbeat even if you do, etc. No reason to let her ruin your pregnancy, which she is totally trying to do, and no reason to fight with her and make the daughter suffer... Also, child support should be reviewed every so often, when was your hubbys situation last reviewed??

I have a perspective from the other side of this situation. Just a little background on the situation my daughter's father lives in California, we live in Missouri, she sees him a month out of the year because that is all he will take her for. He got married when she was 2 years old. That being said I cannot stand his wife, and she cannot stand me. She had said if they were to ever have children she would make sure it was a boy and not a girl since I already had his first girl.

To me I found this extremely childish, one my daughter is only in their life for a very limited amount of time every year and two she already comes second to his wife and always has. It was my fear that she would come even further behind if they ever had children, because she does not get to have her dad as a huge part of her life. I mean I offer to send her for the whole summer, but he only wants her for a month because she gets homesick. She's 9, so the homesickness is bulls**t... she just starts getting attitude after a month and he doesn't want to deal with it lol. He sends me child support, but not enough to make a car payment :p and honestly I spend so much more of my own money supporting her that his money gets used for whatever is needed for her or the home.

So remember his ex might be asking all these questions because she is worried that your new child will come well before his first child, and that it will be her child that suffers. Not from a monetary loss, which babies and children could care less about, but from having a father not take or continue to have an active role in his child's life. I am not defending her just offering another point of view.

Hello

I have a perspective from the other side of this situation. Just a little background on the situation my daughter's father lives in California, we live in Missouri, she sees him a month out of the year because that is all he will take her for. He got married when she was 2 years old. That being said I cannot stand his wife, and she cannot stand me. She had said if they were to ever have children she would make sure it was a boy and not a girl since I already had his first girl.

To me I found this extremely childish, one my daughter is only in their life for a very limited amount of time every year and two she already comes second to his wife and always has. It was my fear that she would come even further behind if they ever had children, because she does not get to have her dad as a huge part of her life. I mean I offer to send her for the whole summer, but he only wants her for a month because she gets homesick. She's 9, so the homesickness is bulls**t... she just starts getting attitude after a month and he doesn't want to deal with it lol. He sends me child support, but not enough to make a car payment :p and honestly I spend so much more of my own money supporting her that his money gets used for whatever is needed for her or the home.

So remember his ex might be asking all these questions because she is worried that your new child will come well before his first child, and that it will be her child that suffers. Not from a monetary loss, which babies and children could care less about, but from having a father not take or continue to have an active role in his child's life. I am not defending her just offering another point of view.

Hoooo Raahh to that!
It has never been reviewed, only the initial judgement made based on his pre-economy dive salary and hers combined.
This has been discussed though. He called and was advised to write a letter to his closest CS office.
One of the women on my board said that she holds herself personally responsible for care of her childs monetary support and holds it in a separate account! Now that's respectable! That woman obviously has her integrity intact.

Hoooo Raahh to that!
It has never been reviewed, only the initial judgement made based on his pre-economy dive salary and hers combined.
This has been discussed though. He called and was advised to write a letter to his closest CS office.
One of the women on my board said that she holds herself personally responsible for care of her childs monetary support and holds it in a separate account! Now that's respectable! That woman obviously has her integrity intact.

I appreciate your view and respect them.
I can completely understand dad not being around, I never had one. Still don't know where he is or if he is alive.
That's one reason why I was careful to choose a very good man to breed with

I appreciate your view and respect them.
I can completely understand dad not being around, I never had one. Still don't know where he is or if he is alive.
That's one reason why I was careful to choose a very good man to breed with

Sorry, my phone cut me off..
It went on to say that we have a bit of a different situation.
We live 10 min away from her mother, who at one time kept her away from him for 4 months ... God strike me dead if I'm lying!!!!... Even though visitation is court ordered.
All that happened was contempt, wich was literallynothing.
Then this past Easter.. Only let him have her for 3 hrs when they are supposed to split holidays 50/50.
She is an unusually mean, spiteful , and manipulative woman.

Sorry, my phone cut me off..
It went on to say that we have a bit of a different situation.
We live 10 min away from her mother, who at one time kept her away from him for 4 months ... God strike me dead if I'm lying!!!!... Even though visitation is court ordered.
All that happened was contempt, wich was literallynothing.
Then this past Easter.. Only let him have her for 3 hrs when they are supposed to split holidays 50/50.
She is an unusually mean, spiteful , and manipulative woman.

The material on this website is provided for educational purposes only and is not to be used for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, or in place of therapy or medical care. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy

Advertising Notice

This Site and third parties who place advertisements on this Site may collect and use information about your visits to this Site and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of interest to you. If you would like to obtain more information about these advertising practices and to make choices about online behavioral advertising, please click here