It’s my turn to speak for the unwanted birth of a child. I struggled to tell this story. It’s not a pleasant one. Many years ago, when I was 12, I’m 52 years old now, a man broke into our apartment and raped me and my mother. I was already traumatized. I had already experienced every form of abuse. I already had dissociative identity disorder. I was pretty fucked up at the time. Still, even though I blocked it with dissociation, I would relive this moment and many other moments of sexual abuse and molestation over and over and over again. Out of this rape, my mother was impregnated. She already had five children, two at home. She did have a 6th child many years before this, but he died from SIDS. However, my mother didn’t want to keep the child from the rape, so she had it aborted.

For most of my life, until I started healing, I wondered why I was born. I desperately wanted to die. I suffered so much, I wished my mother had aborted me. Anyone ever feel that way? Life hurts so bad, you’ve been through so much shit, you wish you had never been born? I know many people do. I tried to commit suicide many times. I was a mess. My mother had schizophrenia. I don’t mean it like the people who nonchalantly call someone crazy because they’re different. I don’t mean it like when people say, “that’s so schizophrenic” which I find insulting. No, she seriously had schizophrenia.

For the people who say, God doesn’t condone the taking of a life, well God doesn’t condone rape, abuse, molestation of a child or any other thing children are subjected to, yet it’s done! Something else, I need to say is God is not in it. God’s not in the rape, or the molestation, and God’s not in the abortion. God’s not in it at all. So leave these women and children alone and let them do what they want with their own bodies! On a side note, the church doesn’t need more children to abuse! Society doesn’t need more throw away children to mess up their heads, to use, abuse, and exploit their minds, bodies, and souls.

I have healed from my own wounds, I have been empowered, I am on the other side of my years of mental illness, just to let you all know that it’s a woman right what she does with her body. Oh, God wasn’t in my sickness, and wasn’t in my healing either. Don’t make this about god because it isn’t. It’s about a woman’s right to choose. My mother, she was very sick, i went through a lot of heart ache with her, and not bringing another unwanted child in this world, was the most sane thing she could ever do.

One of my favorite pastime is self reflection, introspection, and gratitude for all I’ve been given through the years whether pain, sadness, loss, happiness, triumph, and gain. I spent a good amount of time in self contemplation on my birthday this last weekend. Self reflection is a great way to improve upon my life to learn and grow from missteps and to break cycles. During my 52 years of life, I have had many rebirths and restarts. My greatest rebirth, and truly second chance, was losing the label of mental illness. Now I wear the label of mental health and mental wellness.

Without looking back on what it meant to have mental illness, I want to share about being given a second chance at life on my terms, in my own unique style, in total consciousness, and knowing I get to choose each step of the way. Before, I used to live like a zombie, all of my emotions shut down, I felt so dead since I was heavily medicated because life felt so bad and painful. I couldn’t face the feelings of all the bad things that had happened to me. I was numb to life.

Now, post medication, I live with all the feelings and emotions I want to feel. It’s like a smorgasbord of feelings! Woohoo! It feels good to be alive, even when I cry, it feels good to cleanse my soul! I love a good cry. I don’t cry like I used to. I cried like it would never end (when the medication wasn’t working). I cried like my soul was eternally broken and fractured. Now I cry just because something is beautiful, happy, or sad. I’m a deep feeling soul in a human body that is touched by life as I allow it into my conscious awareness through daily experiences. I allow in as much as I want to, participate when I want to, and how I want to.

It’s never too late for a second chance. There are many opportunities for a do over, if you are willing to recognize it, willing to accept where you are then find a way to move forward. One of the most important lessons I learned in therapy is I always have choices. Wait, no the most important one is to love myself. I don’t know, those two are very big lessons for me! It’s hard to say which was the most important lesson. Lol.

I’m just saying life is full of second chances. There is always another choice, pathway or decision to make. Life is full of experiences and I don’t want to miss a second of it. I consciously choose where I’m going, who I’m going with, what I’ll be doing, and how I will interact with my environment. This is the ultimate power anyone can have over one’s life. To live life consciously and passionately and in love with every single moment whether it’s a positive one or challenging one. Everyday, every moment is an opportunity for a second chance to do life differently, and on your own terms. Let love lead the way. Listen to your heart.

From a very young age, I’ve always loved the written word. I loved to read and I could not get enough of it. No one had to tell me to read, in fact, no one did. I just enjoyed getting caught up in an adventure. I was a very lonely and shy child. We moved around, a lot. I rarely went to the same school each year. When I went to a new school, I had to take tests to see which grade to put me in since I didn’t have records. I also had to get new immune shots for every new school as we didn’t have those records either! I was a very sensitive child, and I hated those needles. I cried every single time. We were poor so I didn’t have very many of my own books other than what the school gave me. My life was very traumatic and so I just used reading to escape from it. For many years, I really didn’t talk a lot about the trauma because it made many people feel uncomfortable. I learned to keep my mouth shut which was not a very empowering choice.

I needed to tell my story. For the most part, I learned to talk about my trauma in therapy or with very close friends. My story really isn’t meant for everyone but I now know it was not good to shut down around people. I walked around with a general feeling of rejection and self loathing because I didn’t feel accepted. I didn’t realize this wasn’t true, I simply had shut down because some people didn’t like my stories. Not everyone would have rejected me telling the stories. Sometimes people didn’t want to hear them simply because they couldn’t accept another version of reality, they could not comprehend why I hurt so badly.

At some point, I learned to write my feelings down. I didn’t dare share the writings with anyone. What would happen if anyone knew what I was really thinking or feeling?? My thoughts were private and hidden. I felt better getting it out though. Writing is a very powerful tool for people who especially have a hard time expressing themselves. I didn’t talk much but I sure could write. Now that I’m on the other side of my healing, I did learn to effectively share my experiences in therapy, I am able to talk about whatever. I am able to share with others without breaking down in tears, severe anxiety or unable to function afterwards because the telling was so traumatic.

Writing has been very therapeutic for me. It has been an effective tool for my own healing. I feel like I’m writing a good friend, which is me. You can write yourself anything you want, exactly like in the reading where you can go on any adventure you choose. Hehe. I have not written much lately which I realize I was missing very much. I miss the daily visits with getting thoughts out of my head onto paper or the computer screen. It’s one of the ways I connect to myself like in meditation or going on a long walk.

I’m a very deep thinker and introspective. I think about life, people, and the state of the world. I think about heavy topics, my family, and how to make a difference in the world. I think about things that are important to me, but don’t we all? The most important thing I want to say in this post is that people want to be seen, they want to be witnessed and heard; it is a common trait in humanity, especially in children. If you don’t get this as a child, you grow up feeling invalidated and having an inferiority complex that needs years of therapy to heal! This is at the heart of why I learned to love myself. I learned to read, write, witness others and myself. I learned to give myself my own ear, my own heart and my own time. I learned to speak about it, write about it, and heal myself.

Today, I share my stories, not because I want to be witnessed but to uplift someone else. I share to bring light upon a subject or raise awareness. I share because it might help someone get a different perspective. I share to heal because I’ve been there. I share to let others know it’s okay to talk about it. I share to inspire and give hope. It’s okay to be open and vulnerable. I share because I can. I share because I care. Remember, love yourself always!

Over the last week, I’ve been on a wild adventure to Australia! It’s so amazing here! I worried about the 15 hour flight but I managed it alright. I meditated, read, listened to music, and slept most of the way. I was also sneezing a lot. When we got to Australia, I was sneezing and my nose running almost nonstop so I had to pop antihistamine medication. I was just a freaking nose of a wreck! Knowing I have severe allergies and even allergies back home, I wondered if this was even a good idea! I worried I would not adapt to the environment here in Australia.

However, after two days, the owner of a cottage we rented, told me to try the local honey. She said the local honey should help with allergies. I had no idea where I would get some local honey, but she offered to get me some. She brought over 1/3 cup of honey. I took a couple of spoonfuls. It didn’t work right away. I went to bed tired and still sneezing. I also took another antihistamine because I didn’t know if the honey would work. The next day, I woke up to no sneezing and no running nose! I took another large spoonful of honey just for good measure. Literally, over night, walla, I went from sneezing around everything to nothing! I was so amazed at this wonderful turn around! I didn’t have to carry boxes of tissue paper with me everywhere. Hehe.

One day, I was walking through the forest looking for wallabies, koalas, and birds when I suddenly was very emotional. I’m a very emotional person, and highly sensitive. I was filled with gratitude that I had healed from my mental disorders. Years ago, as many of my readers know, I had very severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a dissociative disorder. I was a mess. My life revolved around medications, therapy, and doctor’s appointments. I was on so many medications, I was like a zombie. There’s no way I would have gone on a trip like this. I was also very fearful. Just the flight alone, I would have had to be medicated with extra anti-anxiety pills. I had child alter personalities that would have presented and been very scared and crying. People would look at me strangely and wonder why I was acting this way. I just didn’t go many places during a very dark period of my life. Anyway, I suddenly said to my husband, “I’m so glad I healed because I can take trips like this now!” It’s not that I couldn’t experience life, it just took a lot more effort, and it was very stifled.

It was many years ago that I got better, but I still marvel and am amazed at the wonders of my new life. Since I got better, I’ve taken many trips around the U.S. I went to Canada one summer, and now we’re in Australia. What’s next? Oh we’re definitely coming back here again. Two weeks is just not enough time to take it all in but just the experience of being here, taking in new sights, experiencing another culture, and way of life has been absolutely exhilarating. The more I take in life, the more I experience life, the more I want to take in life and the more I want to experience it! Life is truly amazing and it’s a wonderful gift. I love myself by taking in more life. I intend to make the rest of the years of my life, the best years of my life!

Today, while walking down the street, I saw someone who looked like one of my former Psychiatrists. I smiled as i walked by the person and inwardly felt a great sense of wonder and gratitude as I recalled all that I had overcome. It’s been about 7 years since I took my last psychotropic medication. I used to take antipsychotics, antidepressents, antianxiety medications, including Adderall, a stimulant! I was a huge mess! I took these prescribed medications for nearly two decades. I was a typical mental patient, I had a Case Manager, and I also had Severe Mental Illness status due to numerous suicide attempts.

Today, I’m an entirely different person. I’m no longer plagued by debilitating anxiety, triggers, depression, and suicidal ideation. It was a long road but I am happy to be where I am today. I was like a zombie back then, though. Now, I just blissed out on meditation and positive energy! I had someone tell me that I probably wasn’t really crazy (and I wasn’t), but that I was just misunderstood. I looked at him oddly because he has no idea where I used to be. It’s easy to understand this mentality because I am not who I used to be, at all.

Over the years, I faced my fears, I faced my trauma, I faced my feelings, I learned skills training, and did lots of grief and processing work to get to where I am today. I am not saying that everyone is going to do it the way I did it, but this is how I did it for me. A huge part of it was learning to love myself, talk therapy, meditation, writing, and also letting go of lots of fears.
There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you are taking any type of medication that helps you to function. Don’t let that trip you up. I know it bothered me for a very long time. Not only that, but I was expected to be on the psychotropics for the rest of my life! Well, I’m not on them and I’m just fine. I’m not suffering from depression, anxiety, PTSD or any other mental illness symptoms. I’m just me.

I’ve always been quiet and reserved. I’m very introspective and like to daydream. I don’t do life the way other people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with my version of reality. I’m a very sensitive person and sometimes this is mistaken as weakness or weak willed. I’m not that either. I have a tender heart and have no intention of changing it. I’m not going to toughen up, I’m not going to grow thicker skin, I’m going to keep on being gentle, kind and sweet, especially to me! Loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and is the beginning to creating a new you, a new life, and new possibilities. Love yourself!

This year, I’m planning to release my second book. (My first book is called, “Dear Sophia, Love Yourself!”) It’s going to have more details than my first one, and will be about my spiritual awakening as I was healing from mental illness. It will be about overcoming a lot of fears, learning to meditate, and use metaphysical tools, like crystals, for my healing. Yes, it will be a lot of woo-woo stuff, and I’m here to tell you it’s not crazy; it’s empowering and liberating! I’m excited for the next phase of my journey, and the positive things I’m bringing into life this year.

This all represents personal choices that I made over the years to assist in my healing by changing my thoughts about illness, learning to master myself, and live consciously every minute. Sometimes I do have ups and downs which is the nature of human life, I just don’t stay down. I learn my lessons and get back up. There’s no shame and blame, I am responsible for what I do with this precious gift of life I’ve been given. Happy new year everyone!

It’s Christmas time! Miraculously, some people have all their shopping done, they have their presents wrapped and under the tree, the house is fully decorated inside and out! They know what they’re going to serve for the Christmas meal and already baked a gazillion dozen of cookies for friends, family, and neighbors! Me? Not be a long shot! I have much admiration for those people though and wish I could get my act together. For many, it’s chaos, worry, lack of money, resources, friends, family, and loneliness.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t even know about Santa except for the times we watched him on TV if we had a (we were very poor). We didn’t always have a TV. Santa was a made up character from cartoons, like Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, daffy duck, and others. I knew adults used him to get children to behave themselves or Santa wouldn’t bring them a present. I was always good so I knew he was fake! Lol. We didn’t always celebrate Christmas either. I didn’t understand what it was about. My earliest memory of Christmas, I might have been four years old. We might have had a tree, but I remember me and my 3 siblings, received one of those free little bibles. I didn’t know about toys, clothes, decorations, etc…I think people put too much pressure on themselves at Christmas time. My mother did the best she could with what she had for her children.

So many people out there saying, “I just want to give my kids a good Christmas!” What is a good Christmas? What does that look like for you? In my mind, a good Christmas is having a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, and surrounded by the people you love. The message has been sorely lost. The message is peace, love, and goodwill towards all people! Yet we have divisions on this planet by color, race, religion, sex, politics, and all other manner of petty issues. We try to take care of me and mine, and blind to the needs of others. Peace, love, and goodwill towards all people! We try to get that one present we think will make someone happy or make ourselves happy, yet forget about peace, love, and goodwill towards all people.

I know Christmas time is a good time to be with friends and family. It’s a nice thing to share gifts with one another. I’m certainly not downing that part because I’ll be here with my own around my tree, sharing love, gifts, and a nice meal. It’s a perfect time to mend a wound. It’s a perfect time to say, “I love you.” It’s a perfect time to give from the heart. Of course, any time is a good time to do those things, I believe the message of peace, love, and goodwill towards all people should be 365 days of the year! This is the heart of my message, don’t let this perfect opportunity slip by you. Let Christmas be in our hearts year round. The gift of Christ was to remind each other that we are loved, that we can be peacemakers, we can spread goodwill towards ALL people.

I’m stepping forward to shine a little light on the problems of our culture and society today in regards to boys, men and perpetrators. I will be the first to apologize for saying all of that in one sentence, since I know women can be perpetrators, too. I am too well acquainted with growing up in the city where the atmosphere was highly sexualized. This is not going to be a story of my victimhood, I’m quite over that!

In elementary school, I recall being chased in the girl’s bathroom (should have been a safe place) by some boys who ran in after me and each held me and humped me! I recall the whistles and cat calls from boys, teenagers and men. I was molested and raped while growing up. I don’t want to bring it all to mind, but I will tell you it wasn’t just one guy! It doesn’t help to demonize them all, but at the same time, society needs to look at how many have been complicit in this behavior by looking the other way, sweeping it under the rug, pretending it didn’t happen or making up excuses why a male would treat a female in such a disgusting and disrespectful manner.

Everyone knows they have been somewhere they shouldn’t have been and have seen things they wish they hadn’t seen. We all know the worst of humanity and seen men do despicable things to women and vice versa. What do we do? Do we lock them all up? Castrate them? Put them on an island away from the rest of the world? Do we forever punish someone for some stupid misspent youthful lusts? Hmmmmm. My proposal is quite simple, we create a safe space, a sacred place for men, women, and children to come forward with their confessions and speaking their truths.

I imagine a place where the men will come forward and say, #Idid, “I did rape a woman.” “I did have my way with her.” “I did molest a girl.” “I did treat her like an object. “ “I chased girls in the bathroom and humped them.” “I participated in gang rape.” “I was out of control.” “I threatened her.” “I held my hand over her mouth.” “I got her drunk or drugged her so she wouldn’t fight me.” What if every guy who ever did it, came forward and not only that but humbled themselves and actually apologized? What if every girl or woman who experienced this, said, “Yes, and I knew it happened to my friend, but I didn’t say anything.” What if we all stopped pretending like we don’t know about this???

What if we created a society where it’s safe to be a woman and not live in fear of this happening to us? What would happen to our collective consciousness? What if everyone talked about how someone they know and love was molested or raped and said how it made them feel to know there are people in the world who do this with no regard for human life or dignity?

I’m quite over the world being silent about this. I’m over the victim blaming and shaming. I’m over the pretending these things aren’t happening. I’m over the demonizing a person who admits they did a terrible thing in a moment of weakness or foolishness or selfishness. Should they be held accountable? Absolutely!! However, there needs to be a measure of compassion and forgiveness when someone willingly confesses to defiling another person. We as a society need to rethink how we treat our girls, boys, women and men especially in regards to sexual behavior. We need to consider the world we have created and how we can make it a better and safer place to live for all, and future generations.

My heart goes out to all the girls, boys, women and men who have ever been violated and humiliated by sexual violence. My heart also goes out to those men and women who want to step forward and confess, who want to shine a light on this behavior, who want to heal it, who want to heal themselves, who want to heal society and set themselves free.

Today’s blog is in support of mental health awareness month! I recently went to the dentist to get a crown. I have a love/hate relationship with dentists. I love to have my teeth looking nice and shiny but I know over the years I have had very poor dental care. Some of my dental problems stem from neglect growing up that continued into my adulthood. I also didn’t care for my teeth because I was not always mentally aware that I even needed to! I was very severely mentally ill for a while. I took Wellbutrin, Zoloft or others, Zyprexa or other antipsychotics, Adderall and Armour thyroid. I was on some heavy duty medications! I had a steady cocktail of psychotropics that involved two antidepressants, an antipsychotic, a stimulant and my thyroid medication. I was like a zombie basically.

When I went to the dentist, it always because I was in some dental pain, I would not intentionally seek out dental care otherwise. On all of the forms, at the dentist office, they ask if you are now or ever been treated for a psychiatric disorder. I always answered truthfully. I could never figure out why they needed to know this. They even asked if you had ever been in a psychiatric hospital. Why do they need to know this? What difference does it make? I need my teeth fixed. They’d even want to know the dates you were hospitalized. I was always a bit embarrassed to admit all the meds I was taking and the different hospitalizations.

There came a time, when I was no longer on psychotropic medications. I was healing. I didn’t need them anymore. I didn’t even have a psychiatrist. I was still in therapy but I was well into recovery. I had some dental pain so I scheduled a dental appointment. I didn’t have a regular dentist so I had to call around to find one on my plan who could see me ASAP. I found one, they took the xrays and assessed what was going on in my mouth. I needed a lot of work done and I was in horrific pain.

However, the dentist saw that I had been a psychiatric patient. She asked about why I wasn’t on medications. I told her I didn’t need them anymore. She said I had to get clearance from a psychiatrist before I could have the dental work done. I was beside myself. I told her I didn’t even have a psychiatrist, and sometimes it can take more than a month to get in with one! She informed me there’s a special place for people like me to get dental help. People like me? People with former mental illness or someone you think is not in their right mind because they have a history of mental illness?

I still get sad when I recall this story because this is the plight of people with mental illness. They get looked at funny or judged and misunderstood. People with a mental illness are still people, they are worthy of dignity and respect from all health care providers. No matter what healing modality you are serving, remember these people are special, they are sensitive, and need your services. I went to another dentist. I also found a psychiatrist who gave me clearance for the dental treatment. She did offer an anxiety medication that is commonly prescribed for people, whether they have mental illness or not, who fear seeing the dentist.

Believe it or not, I do not have major depression with psychotic features anymore. I do not have post traumatic disorder anymore. People do heal. There’s no reason to treat someone as if they are going to be mentally ill for the rest of their lives just because they had a mental illness at one time. Even if I did have a mental illness, there’s no reason to treat me like I’m a freak, or crazy, or like I’m just a lost cause. I healed.

Yesterday, I went to the river with a friend to perform a releasing ritual. We basically talked about the old patterns, attachments, beliefs , pain, and habits that were holding us down and released them into the river with the nearby rocks. I would pick up a rock and say something like, “I release the pain of rejection,” then I threw it in the river. I stood in the cold water, watching it flow as I let my pain go. I also threw away an old broken fluorite heart. It broke in 3 pieces a few years ago and I just kept it in my dresser. Yet, I didn’t want it around me anymore because this no longer represented how I feel about myself. My heart is whole and healed and I didn’t need this imagery of a broken heart in my dresser. The things we hold onto matters.

The more I released, I felt lighter, freer, happy, and my head didn’t feel so cloudy. I had more clarity to see more issues, pain, and memories that I needed to let go of. As we were leaving, I remember telling my friend how easy it was. It was so easy to go to the river, and to let the water wash my pain away. Sometimes we make things so complicated! Many times, people will tell you, life can change in the blink of an eye. Normally, when they say this, they’re talking about when tragedy strikes. They’re talking about a bad accident that leads to serious injury or even death. How come no one thinks your life can change for the better, in the blink of an eye?

Every day, I think about how I can make the world a better place by being introspective. I look inside of myself. I ask my heart if I’m getting better or bitter. I contemplate my own actions or inaction. I strive to self regulate. I don’t look at someone else and judge them, I look to myself. This I know, for me is true, life can change in the blink of an eye. I can release my old pain and hurts which will create a huge shift in my energy, and my heart. Life flows easier when we’re not holding onto broken things, toxic relationships, negative attitudes, and pain. Let it flow!

Years ago, I was in a support group for people who had suffered various childhood traumas. I had severe depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. Frequently, we’d all share how we spiraled down due to the negative voices going on inside. One woman, called the voices, “The committee.” The committee would call her names. The committee would say she’s ugly, not trying hard enough, a failure, dirty, embarrassing, unlovable, evil, unworthy, and so on. We all were fighting our own negative messages. To a certain extent, everyone has to fight negativity, even those who don’t have a mental illness or have not been abused. We each have a shadow side to contend with.

Since I have healed from my mental illness, I have learned to live consciously, and set up a new committee in my head. This committee tells me to keep going when I feel like giving up. This committee reminds me I am loved, I am beautiful, worthy, and I am strong when I start to feel otherwise or life is getting me down. This is the beauty of living consciously, I set my own messages and I disregard any that do not agree with me nor serve my highest good. Any messages now, that brings me down, they’re instantly tossed away. In doing so, I don’t spiral down. I use the positive committee, instead, to spiral up!

This is the essence of conscious living whether you are struggling with mental health issues, negative influences or messages from relationships and society in general. There is negativity all around, but I don’t let it bring me down, instead I consciously choose where my thoughts will go, because thoughts direct our actions. It means I’m choosing where I go, who I spend my time with, what programs on TV that lift me up and which ones take me down. It’s choosing what I eat, where I live, and what I breathe! There clearly are negative influences in this world and then there are the lifegiving ones. I choose the lifegiving ones that support me, my lifestyle, my personality, and quirks. Remember, there is always a choice to react to negativity or respond with grace and compassion.

So when the dark clouds come, and sometimes they do, I listen to my new committee, who I sometimes call my higher self, my inner self or soul. I listen to the voices that give hope, life supporting and ultimately leads to my freedom from darkness, and into the light. I spiral up, instead of down. Another aspect of conscious living, is trusting in my heart. When I’m sad and feeling unlovable and unloved, I place my hand on my heart. I feel it beating, and tune into it The heart knows a lot more than my mind. My heart’s message is, “You are loved.” “You are worthy.” “ You are strong.” “You are enough!” “Love yourself!” As I love myself, I spiral up even higher! Live consciously by loving yourself, and trusting your heart.