As a complete aside: Sandra, I first heard Michael Row the Boat Ashore from my cousins when I was very small. My paternal grandfather was barely literate, and didn't read music. My much older cousins would learn songs and sing them for him when they'd come to visit, and my grandfather would then learn the songs from them. And he'd sing them to me.

I ended up, to be sure I'd get enough sleep to NOT bring a "bull" into a very tightly laid out "china shop," trying a sleep med that bought me one 12 hour sleep, and one about half that. A few more days for that situation to ripen, and all will shift back to where I can bring my unique skillset to bear on it.

I think it's been the waiting-- for that moment-- that's had my tight abs levitating me off the bed. I also woke, from that 12-hour sleep respite, remembering that when my son got stuck in the birth canal and they said to stop pushing until the c-section team arrived, I'd used a keening scream to keep from pushing thru what (by then) were oxytocin-fueled monster contractions. (You can't push with an open throat!) So, after the sleep meds wore off, I just sang-howled to my service dog every time my belly tensed. She'd wag, I'd laugh, the day passed. A new anti-anxiety alternative.

These meds run against my whole mind-management belief system and practice. I decided that since I'd had to forego that practice for the duration, a few days' use could be ok, and so I'll schedule extra time for that practice once I get out of the "china shop."

I'd appreciate a short tow behind the Rainbow. There's a situation that has another week and a half to run, and I need sleep (not advice) SO BADLY. All indicators are that I'm handling that sitch beautifully, but it kicks up just about every trauma of my difficult childhood. None of it is anything I can post about in further detail; I am getting good counseling sessions 4x/week. But not sleeping even with pretty srs meds. I'm a little "dinghy"!

Thank you, sailors. I can sing out a few spirituals from back here.

"Climbing high mountains": "... still on my journey..." 3x "tryin to get home."

Last Thursday, after two days of prep and liquid diets, I had a colonoscopy. Nine polyps, none seemed malignant to the doc. But to my chagrin I have a polyp on a hemorrhoid (which I didn't know I had and which I didn't know grew polyps) and it will have to be surgically removed and biopsied. Well, that's for late November/early December -- too much is going on beforehand. AND I've moved from a 10 year cycle for colonoscopies to a 3 year one.

Life goes on...There are now some ashes where her parents and one brother are buried, some scattered on the trails and beach at a nearby state rec area we frequented, and some along the Martha's Vineyard beach near her other brother's summer place, where we spent a few days most summers. In a week I set out for the Greek Island of Naxos, where we visited twice and would have returned if it could have been. Most of the remaining ashes will go along in a little cardboard travel urn. It took something of a comedy of clerical errors to get through the paperwork for that, but fortunately I got into it well in advance. Naxos turned out to be kind of our place in the whole world, so I've really wanted to do this. I'm spending some time with friends most days, and starting on a small (n) scale train layout. I'm sure I haven't had my last incidental meltdown, but I'm not in desperate straits. Dean

Yes I am polite but 'permitting' you to speak up would be presumptuous if not impossible. You detect subtleties well. I daresay your posting rate exceeds mine, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Well maybe there is but this community has become too polite to complain. Well Joe complained but he is a founder and chief...

In posting for about 20 years I have presented a vulnerable side. Vulnerable in the sense of TMI to the emotionally compromised. Regarding mixed feelings about the dead and not speaking ill of the dead in mixed company, first I have been unable to obtain a death certificate from PR and only have private accounts to o by. Second I have not seen Steve in 52 years and rely solely on telephone communication. Third, Steve is/was a half brother. Until finality can be officially established there is not much to be said.

Death always involves some mixed feelings we generally do not discuss. I do not advocate doing away with discussing the mixed feeling side of death but only acknowledge its existence. Unreasonable guilt can result from an obsession with mixed feelings.

Keboroxu, we all have an appointment with death so the social convention of honoring the dead to some degree is good for everyone.

It can be challenging to honor a near stranger, a Scalia or a Trump but it can be done.

I think of people who face a close bereavement and my tacit support goes with them. My situation amounts to no more than an empty nest. While I appreciate the notion of empathy, healing hearts could go toward those in need. In photos we smile but in life we don't smile on command. Smiling times come and go. For those who need support there is no loss too small or too large to be shared and healed over time without judgement in 'Jane's Rainbow'.

Mudcatter Donuel chose to be very private about his loss, in Mudcat posts this year. It is now a number of months since the bereavement in Donuel's family. Slow as I am, I just understood it today, this very minute.

I respect Donuel's privacy and his choice to be discreet in his posts. And I am sorry beyond words for Donuel's and his family's bereavement.

I spent a wonderful day yesterday with our lovely Nigel. We have been friends here ever since he started this Rainbow voyage but had never met. We often said he would come here and spend a day at our beach hut in the little seaside town where he enjoyed many childhood holidays and yesterday at last, Billy and I welcomed him to our home and the hut by the sea. We even managed to climb to the top of the Trinity House Tower at the Naze (111 steps to the top)

This Rainbow crew have shared many sad times but also many happy and funny memories. Nigel and Ann will always be in our thoughts and of course Jane and her family, without them many friendships would never have happened but more importantly the love and compassion shown by all on board has been so important to all who sail with us.

Sending much love and thanks to Nigel and Ann, may our little ship sail on and on for all who need love and healing thoughts.

I have made few, meaningful posts for sometime & have come to the decision that I should withdraw from 'Jane's Rainbow'. Ann & I continue to grieve for our belovéd Jane, quietly & privately. Much good has come from the Rainbow since she first set sail, six years ago. Long may that continue. Ann & I wish you all a calm sea & a prosperous voyage, Nigel & Ann Paterson.

I have been away from this ship for too long. No real excuses but Billy has had shingles for 6 weeks. He is left handed and the nerve pain is in his left arm. I now know how much he does for me when he is well, 6 weeks of watching him either sleeping( strong meds) or being in constant pain when awake has meant he could do nothing. So trying to run the business, do all the driving, gardening, cooking and being a nurse has been quite a challenge. He actually said the the perforated appendix some years ago and all the chemo he had were easier to cope with than the past few weeks. The pain has reduced him to tears! However I am hoping he has turned the corner as he managed to mow the lawn on Wednesday and yesterday we went out for lunch with my daughter to celebrate my Birthday. The good news is that he saw his consultant this week for his 4 month check up and all his blood results were good, still on the clinical trial so back in October. God bless our N HS and Colchester Hospital. All free and available to my New Jersey boy.

Wishing love to everyone aboard, I have been catching up with all the news here. Shall I put the coffee pot on, I have coffee cake

It's been a rough week for members of my family. The grocery store my brother put his heart and soul into for the past 13 years finally closed for good on Saturday. Hallmark doesn't make a "Condolences on the death of your dream" card, but they ought to. And yesterday, my sister fell off her deck and broke her ankle, compound fracture, and will need surgery to have a permanent plate to hold everything together. Me, I'm just itchy from caterpillar dermatitis.