Of illegal animals, conkers and birds….

The Sun reported that beavers being reintroduced to Britain may have been released illegally. It illustrated the story with a picture of “dodgy beavers,” one of whom was pictured saying: “Me, an illegal immigrant? I’ll lodge an appeal.”

According The Daily Mail, a headmaster has banned crash mats from the school gym because of fears that they will encourage children to take too many risks. Shaun Halfpenny says youngsters at Cummersdale Primary in Carlisle could become ‘complacent’ and try to jump down from climbing frames when the cushioning is not there.

He previously made his pupils wear goggles when playing conkers – to protect then against flying debris.

With the inimitable headline: “Doing birds”, The Sun reported that four female prison workers from the same jail had resigned after being accused of affairs with ‘lags.’

Staff at HMP Lewes said the situation had got so bad they had renamed the prison “HMP LOOSE.” An insider at the Category B jail allegedly said: “It’s more like a sex party here than a jail.”