Insecure About Self-Worth Because of Those That I Try to Help

Asked by an Anonymous User on 2018-05-24 with 1 answer:

I’ve been known to help out friends and loved ones that are going through their own trials and tribulations, and I genuinely do love doing this because I know its the right thing to do and it makes me happy to see them find the light at the end of the tunnel per say. But as the years go by I’ve noticed that the same people I’ve helped out seem to either leave me in the dust or I get the feeling they weren’t actually appreciative of me helping them out. Don’t get me wrong, I get that I’m not gonna be the only important thing in their lives but it still really hurts me for them to just drop me off like that when considering the countless hours I’ve spent with them assisting them through their own dilemmas and stretching my olive branch as far as I possibly can. But even then sometimes they would outright ignore my advice or spit it back in my face, only for them to get hurt because they didn’t listen to my advice and by the end of it they come back saying I was right only for them to do the same exact thing and continue their own vicious cycle and it pained me deeply to see them that way. I can even think of moments where one of them would leave me in the dark while vaguely communicating with me leading me to get frustrated and anxious over what in gods name they’d be doing only for them to be completely fine by the end of it. It’s terrible. Plus, every time I’ve tried to get in contact with some of these people now they seem to blow me off as if I never said hello. As a result, I feel hurt, I don’t always think about them but when I do it feels like a dagger in my heart. I feel like I maybe shouldn’t have tried to assist them and maybe I wouldn’t feel like the way I do now. This really shouldn’t bother me as much as it should but this just leads me to feel like I’ve been used and thrown away and as a result I question my own worth or if I should even bother. I’m sorry for the rambling, thank you for your time

This is best summed up by an old adage, “you need to know who your friends are.” In addition, it has often been said that over the course of an entire lifetime, if you have acquired just a small handful of true friends, you will have been blessed in life. Obviously from what you have written, you have been a friend to these people, but they have not reciprocated. You have given your time and energy but they have not reciprocated. You were there for them but they were not there for you. And thus, we come back to those old words of wisdom, “you need to know who your friends are.”

Clearly these people are not your friends. They gladly took from you but never had the intention of giving back to you. They took your time and energy and concern and I am sure would gladly have taken your money also, but they never intended to return anything to you. You were their friend. They were not your friend.

Perhaps it’s hard to accept the fact that you were taken advantage of and misjudged those who would befriend you. I am also sure that you gave to these people under the illusion of friendship. They appeared to be your friend but in actuality were not. Not everyone who is friendly and seemingly concerned, is a friend.

You do not have enough time, money and resources to give to every “friendly” person you encounter. You must learn to sort out the pseudo-friends and pseudo-concerned from the real friends and those who are really concerned.

You have likely also heard it said “you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.” You may be closer to a friend than to a family member. A friend may be more concerned with your well-being than a family member. A friend might loan you money after all of your family members have turned you down.

You have learned important life lessons. Not everyone who appears to be a friend, is. People can take without giving. Some people care about you and some people don’t. People can be deceptive.

“Love is more easily spoken than demonstrated.”

Good luck and please write again if I may be of assistance.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Insecure About Self-Worth Because of Those That I Try to Help

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Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference Randle, K. (2018). Insecure About Self-Worth Because of Those That I Try to Help. Psych Central.
Retrieved on September 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/05/26/insecure-about-self-worth-because-of-those-that-i-try-to-help/

Last updated: 24 May 2018Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 24 May 2018Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.