The term "Super Fan" is putting it mildly. There is not a SINGLE episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette that I have NOT seen.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Toothless Sharks and Other Wonders...

Tonight has been such a weird night and we haven’t even started watching, yet. Bryan roped me into watching the end of the Kansas v West Virginia game – Kansas came back from a serious point deficit (I actually don’t know if it’s called “point deficit,” but they were down by like, 15, with 2 minutes to go) came back and tied it up and sent it into overtime. Then just as it was going into overtime, we got the memo that Mike Flynn stepped down. All while the Kansas arena is trying to set some kind of noise level record, so everyone is SCREAMING. It was so many things at once. Kansas won the game. I haven't even watched a basketball game in years, but this game got me like:

Mercy.

ALSO: Time to remark about how Johnny and I had filet then went and saw Fifty Shades Darker last night. It was just as hilariously awful as we thought it would be, but in addition to the horrible acting and direction, it's worth noting that it bears the honor of actually having ZERO plot. It was kind of astonishing, really. Like, I couldn't even write a 3rd grade book report on it right now, because there was no beginning, middle, or end. There was no rising action, climax, or falling action. Truly, if I were being quizzed and comprehension and asked something like "What was the climax?" I genuinely would not have an answer. It's probably also worth noting that this was our fourth annual Valentine's Day yummy dinner and a terrible movie. The combined scores of the four movies we've seen equals... 46. That's 46% out of 400. An average rating of 11.5% for each movie. (And yes, there was room for innuendo twice in that paragraph, but I can't even give the story that much dignity).

But of COURSE there was ice cream.

Tonight's Living Room Peanut Gallery: Carolyn, Mac, and Bryan.

Ok so we open with Raven recapping the night’s events while wearing way too much mascara. For all the talk of Raven being the next Bachelorette, you guys, she is a CHILD. Carolyn also points out that there is also something going on with Chris Harrison’s face in his mano e mano with Nick right now… Rosacea? Sun burn? Get a grip, Hare.

I see that Nick is still opting for the short shorts. Is he trying to become a spokesman for Nair? Does he want to peddle Nair on Instagram instead of a Fab Fit Fun box? Is that what’s going on?

As Nick Is talking to the girls before they pack for Bimini, I can't help but notice that Corinne's skin looks PARCHED. Vanessa and Danielle M are winning the skincare game right now. AND YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT PARCHED SKIN:

Ugh. Danielle L’s plug for “Resorts World Bimini” was REALLY pathetic. I swear it's like these girls have never seen a decorative throw rug in thier lives...

One on One: VanessaVANESSA: I’ve never been on a boat before. MACK: Can you pull up her Instagram? ‘Cause I feel like we can definitely prove that she’s been on a boat before.

Would that other sources in our lives could vet facts like that…

This abandoned ship is pretty cool. But I’m definitely worried about them getting too much sun.

VANESSA: I’m falling in love with you. NICK: I’ve been in love before. I really like you.

VANESSA:

Group date:

Corinne, Kristina, Raven

Corinne tells us she is going to steal the show on this group date. I can’t wait.

NARRATOR: She didn't.

(Jk there's not a narrator but yes I totally pretend like Ron Howard is narrating my life, most days)

Look, I’m all about sunscreen. You guys know that. But KRISTINA I COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT THIS BIT. Her inner thigh, Nick? Mercy!

Ok but with what kind of sharks were they swimming? I feel like we never got a solid answer on that. Cause it clearly wasn't jaws, but they didn't look like baby minnow sharks. What kind of insurance certificates did they have to have for this place?

Corinne is somehow PLASTERED by the time they get to the evening portion. Her eyes are shutting right in front of us.

I don't even know to whom he is speaking right now, but Nick is crying again. Honestly no man has cried as much on screen since Jude Law in The Holiday.

The Bachelor Fantasy League had us guess how many times Nick would cry tonight. The most they had was 3. I'm pretty sure it was double that by the end of the episode.

Anyone ever heard of this Adam Freeman guy? He’s cute but he’s… three feet tall. Ok wait I kind of like this song. Good thing Johnny isn’t here cause he would obliterate me for saying that. Shout out to that one dude that sang on Clair and Juan Pablo's date, whose name I still didn't even have right, by the end of the season...

One on One: Danielle

I am so bored by Danielle M. What are these bamboo koozie things they have wrapped around the beer bottles? Is it to cover up the logo? That is seriously the biggest mystery to me.

Meanwhile, back on the farm:
Corinne tells us: “I’d live in a shack with no diamonds for Nick. Who am I?” Seriously, that's the best she could come up with? Personally I'd go with "I'd live in the Venice Canals without cookies for Ben Higgins"

I don’t even know where to begin with Corinne's sexcapade attempt. But I think the crux of what happened is: Corinne anxious about getting a rose. She believes she has ONLY ONE asset which can secure her the rose. I think that is very broken and sad.

Ok but also one has to wonder how she managed to completely disregard the automatic doors that opened up for her, before going through the manual door of the hotel entrance. For someone who has been fed with a silver spoon all her life, this doesn't make much sense...

One on One: Rachel
Nick tries to tactfully ask Rachel if she’s ever brought home a white guy before… And Rachel picks up on the cue and diplomatically answers. Point Rachel.

The islander offers “You make sure this guy needs you, not just wants you." And I'm here for that one. And let's be real: America is already over Nick and Rachel, THEY'RE READY FOR RACHEL TO FIND LOVE AS THE NEW BACHELORETTE (but I seriously WILL NOT believe it until I hear it come out of her mouth)

Corinne proceeds to tell us that she's freaking out. She even gives herself fake hand shakes. Mercy. She asserts: “He could’ve sent Rachel home on this date today and he wasn’t feeling it so clearly he’s feeling it."

Make Corinne literate again...

Nick cries for the 87th time as he let's Kristina go. And let us acknowledge that Kristina has a very sad crying face. Oof.

I'm surprised that Corinne has made it this far without a hometown. I'm also disappointed that there wasn't a blow up fight this week, like there has been in seasons past (see: "I can't control my eyebrow!") Also worth mentioning that Tierra actually made it to this week on the season without a one on one. But then Sean introduced Tierra to his sister and immediately gave her the ax. HE ALSO GAVE MY BEST FRIEND LESLEY THE AX THAT WEEK AND I'LL NEVER BE OVER IT BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FAVORITE CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME.