November 22, 2016

Q: Honestly, I can’t believe it’s come to this. Where in God’s name should I begin in talking to my kids?

A: Frame the cannibalism as a gift that the dead person is giving to you. Say, “Look, President Trump said that we were all horrible, stupid people, and that is why he was going to push the button. But here someone has offered themselves to feed us. That is a very nice thing to do! So not everyone can be horrible and stupid!”

Q: What if my child is too young to understand that we’re eating a person’s foot? Do I need to tell them?

A: Absolutely not. You can keep it on terms they understand. “It’s exciting to try new foods!” works well.

Q: My child saw the Apocalypse unfold on cable news, so they have some idea ...

A: Hold up. You let your kid watch cable news?

Q: Well, sometimes. Since all the other channels were shuttered by the Vice President for being “lurid” and making him “uncomfortable.”

A: Ah. So, you’re a terrible parent. What was your question?

Q: Just basically, if they know were eating someone we know, should I tell my kids a little about that person?

A: If you’re sure your child is aware that you’re committing cannibalism, it’s appropriate to say a few, carefully chosen words about the person you’re eating. “Yes, this is Daddy’s secretary, Tracy. She decided to give her body to us to eat because, as she said, she ‘could not take the constant harassment of living in Trump’s America as a black woman anymore.’ She also liked to crochet.”

Q: Is there some kind of ceremony we could do, over the meal, just to thank the spirit of the person who sacrificed themselves so that we could eat?

A: Probably. But, you know, things are pretty dire around here. Do you really have time for this sort of thing?

Q: Maybe we’ll just say grace.

A: Whatever, fine.

Q: If we don’t finish eating the person before we have to move on to our next encampment to avoid detection from the KGB drones, should we make a point of burying the person we half-ate?

A: Seriously?

Q: Well, yeah, I’d really like to keep this from upsetting Cody.

A: That’s probably not possible. Cody’s entire country exploded, then burned around him.

Q: What if while we’re eating, my child asks me about the role I played in causing the Apocalypse? Do I have to tell them that I voted for Jill Stein?

Q: Oh! I didn't know that, and I was totally kidding. What if, say, my spouse voted for President Trump? How do we tell our children that?

A: It depends on your child’s age. If they are very young, you can say, “We found the pantsuited lady’s voice very screechy and it hurted our ears!” If they are older, you might say, “Before she jumped into that volcano as a ritual sacrifice to Cthulhu, Trump’s daughter seemed like a very poised, sane young woman.”

Q: What if my child says, “I don’t want to eat other people! I want to flee to Mr. Biden’s island compound and live in peace and harmony with the Obamas, Mr. Gore and Katy Perry!”

A: Hmm.

Q: Well?

A: That seems pretty logical to us. Maybe you should do that, if you can.

Q: But President Trump tweeted that he’ll bring back coal! And that if things don’t get better, he’ll let us eat the Attorney General!

A: Yeah. Uh, we’re out.

Q: Wait! Before you go, can you advise what temperature is best for cooking human flesh?

A: If you have a meat thermometer, you should try to reach 165 degrees. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, because we live in a nuclear wasteland, and there’s a very limited food supply, and eventually we’re all going to have turn on each other, so maybe just do the best you can for as long as you can, and try to get your child to that compound so that the next generation can start again.

November 02, 2016

When you approach the polls, a worker asks “Are you a registered Democrat or a registered loser?”

Your offered your choice of a free DVD before voting: Election or Triumph of the Will.

All the voting machines have “TRUMP CORPORATION” in shiny, gold letters stamped on the back.

As you wait in line, you hear two poll workers having a long, whispered debate about whether you watch Black-ish or not.

There’s a bake sale, but brownies are “25 cents for Nice People, $50 for Deplorables.”

A Johnson pamphleteer outside keeps elbowing you and offering a “free flu shot” if you stop by the white van parked around the corner.

You have to take a BuzzFeed quiz about How Well You Know Gone with the Wind before your voting booth is assigned.

There’s a water fountain at your precinct that’s labeled “Orange People Only.”

The choices on your ballot are “Clinton” or “Seriously?”

You’re invited to raise a glass of “good, clear, American water” to “these great United States” and then you wake up 24 hours later on the berm of the highway that runs out of your town.

After you select your candidates on electronic ballot, the Microsoft Windows paperclip keeps popping up to ask if you need help fixing your mistake.

A poll worker asks if you’d mind letting his recently adopted 8-year-old daughter pull the levers for you, since it would “be a big thrill for little Anastasia, who misses Moscow.”

Before you’re allowed to vote, you’re asked to name all the state capitals, then the names of the current governors serving in those capitals, and then the titles of Chris Christie’s favorite Springsteen songs in ascending order.

When you give the poll worker your name, she loudly says, “Well, that sounds like the name of someone who won’t condemn our country to almost certain nuclear annihilation because she once enjoyed a TV show!”

There’s a diorama of a pack of foxes attacking a donkey on display at your precinct.

Before you head into the booth, a poll worker insists on blindfolding you, “to make it more fun!”

The ballot contains a blank for you to write in your favorite conspiracy theory.

Just before you step into the booth, you hear a poll worker shout, “CODE PANTSUIT IS GO!”

Your voting receipt is actually a Two Nights for the Price of One at a Trump hotel coupon.

January 14, 2016

Hello! I'm vowing this year to be better about posting links to my work around these parts! I've got a little essay -- a joy to write! -- about Princess Leia up at TheEstablishment, as part of their Star Wars roundtable. It's the fourth one in here. And around Christmas, my latest Shouts was up at The New Yorker's website, here!

Thanks for checking them out, and since we're allowed to say "Happy New Year" until the 15th...tomorrow...happy new year!

August 23, 2015

Just popping by to mention that Vela Magazine does a wonderful, brief weekly round-up of creative non-fiction written by women. I occasionally contribute my picks, but the really wonderful thing here is that a whole convoy of women do so -- so many great pieces, and no dross at all! Check out the weekly listings here!

June 18, 2015

Matthew: All right, all right, all right… We’re on the air, we’re riding the radio waves, y’all. Welcome to your Monday – wait, no, sorry, Thursday morning. Time, she is a circle. Anyhoodle, this is the Big Matt M! I got my lady beside me –

Elaine: I’m not your lady!

Matthew: Sure, no.

Elaine: Doll, I could be your grandmother!

Matthew: Cool. So, Elaine –

Elaine: COLONEL STRITCH, please. How much are they paying me for this gig? (She addresses the show producer through the window). Scott! How much am I getting paid?

(Scott gestures for them to keep going.)

Matthew: Now, first off, I want to go ahead and play some Skynyrd. And I’m gonna lean on into this mic and ask everyone – sincerely ask everyone — to go ahead and pull on over to the side of the road, and just listen. With your heart, you know?

Elaine: Oh, for God’s sake, Matthew.

Matthew: Open your heart, open your mind, open –

Elaine: Let’s play some Cole Porter.

Matthew: Lady S, you know I’d do anything for you –

Elaine: Great, play “Begin the Beguine.”

Matthew: Let’s dedicate this one to God, the big guy in the sky, who looks down on all of us and says –

Elaine: I’ve got to get these pants off.

(Scott is desperately gesturing at the clock.)

Matthew: Now the weather. ‘Cause we do weather on the 1s. Or maybe the 2s. Math, she ain’t my mistress. Anyway…

Elaine: It’s hot! Too hot for pants!

(Elaine removes her pants. She is wearing a leotard underneath.)

Matthew: You’re right, my lady S. I’m gonna take my pants off too.

(Matthew also removes his pants. He is wearing boxers. Scott buries his head in his hands.)

June 15, 2015

1) First, see if you can avoid the conversation: drop eye contact, and begin patting your pockets, frowning. Back away slowly. Do not re-engage with the Fan, under any circumstances.

2) If you cannot avoid the conversation with the Fan, try to head it off at the pass. As soon as the other person mentions Game of Thrones, try one of the following responses, speaking loudly as if trying to break a spell:

a) “Oh, there’s that cheese I like!”

b) “You know who’s underrated? Gordon Lightfoot, that's who!”

c) “That reminds me, I need to fill you in on our search for a preschool for Bea is going.”

Most likely, you will not be successful in derailing the conversation, but it’s important that you try.

3) Despite your best efforts, you are now enmeshed in a conversation about Game of Thrones. Do not panic. Panic is weakness, and the Fan is looking for a weakness to attack. You must stay focused if you wish to survive this conversation. Try the following steps:

a) Establish whether the Fan has read the books by George R R Martin or not, and then position yourself accordingly. If the Fan has read them, you have not. Ask the Fan, “So, how do you think the TV show compares to the books?” NOTE: Do not be fooled by the Fan’s question, “Have you read the books too?” No. You have not read the books. You “prefer the TV show” so far. No other answer is acceptable.

b) If the Fan has not read the books, then yes, you have. No matter what the Fan says or asks, respond with any of the following phrases, in any order:

1) “Oh, my goodness, just you wait!”

2) “It’s going to blow your mind!”

3) “No, I can’t tell you! It would spoil the entire show!”

Repeat as needed, until the Fan runs away, crying.

c) If the Fan has somehow outsmarted your tactics and asks who your favorite character is, use one of the following phrases:

1) “Dragons, duh.”

2) “It’s so hard to choose. Which is YOUR favorite?”

3) “The hot one, AMIRITE?”

d) If the Fan seems skeptical and is not distracted by your attempts to trick the Fan into talking about the Fan’s favorites, try jabbing your palm with a cocktail toothpick. When your eyes tear up, explain, “I’m so sorry, I just miss Sean Bean so much. Don't you miss him, too?”

e) Throughout the conversation it is important to continue to look for a means to escape. You do not know what opportunities may present themselves, so be alert for all possibilities. When it’s time, phrase your escape line carefully. Say “I’ll go see if our host has the DVDs!” instead of “Let’s go see…”etc.

Once you’ve made the break, move swiftly, without looking back, to wherever your host has stashed your coat and then immediately to the exit. Do not stop for any reason.

f) In cases of dire emergency, such as when you really must pee, you may ask the Fan, “How old is George R. R. Martin again?” No matter what age they respond, frown slightly, and ask, “Well, ya gotta worry about that, right?” When the Fan looks stricken, flee.

g) A few warnings: It may be tempting to try to change the conversational topic. This is a fool’s errand. The Fan will always return the conversation to Game of Thrones. To the Fan, everything – the hor d’oeuvres, the weather, the cost of a loft in Clinton Hill – relates back to Game of Thrones. It is better to ride the wave.

Do not try to rope another person into the conversation to help. Statistically, it is highly likely that they are Another Fan, and now look what you’ve done.

It’s common for the non-GoT fan to insert “Jon Snow” into the conversation, in hopes of passing. This is an amateur’s move. Do you know anything else about “Jon Snow” besides the fact that his name is easy to pronounce? No, you do not. Avoid this.

Under no circumstances should a straight male non-Fan express that he finds the female characters attractive. They are not there to be attractive. They are fierce fighters. Now you’re in a conversation about the sexist male gaze.

Under no circumstances should a female non-Fan express appreciation for the costumes and hairstyles of the female characters. Now you’re in a bi-weekly knitting group called Game of Scones.

May 06, 2015

Things have been quiet here for a couple of weeks because we're readying two of my shows for the Pittsburgh Fringe Festival this weekend (May 8 - 10)! There's an article by the great Sara Button about our shows here. I also wrote an essay about returning to acting in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. And you can buy tickets for the show here!

April 23, 2015

A few things I'm enjoying in my last week of being a candidate for an MFA, before I actually become an MFA (can't wait to learn the secret handshake!):

Something to Read: I've just begun it, but I'm really enjoying Ian Frazier's Family. As a devoted New Yorker subscriber, I've been reading his journalism and humor for years, and it's pretty cool to find out how his voice works in a more personal, book-length work. This came out 20 years ago, but still feels fresh. I think I'm going to love it, and maybe you will too!

Something to Watch: It's not news, but "The Americans" is killing it this season. Every episode has been fascinating -- chilling, unexpected, totally involving. You have to start from the beginning, but it's well worth your time!

Something to Read Online: I contributed to Vela Magazine's 100th "Women We Read" post, and now I'm committing myself to trying to read everything mentioned in it. A remarkable list of female writers and their work.

Something to Listen to: I borrowed my mom's car this week while mine was in the shop. She's got a CD player (faaaancy -- something my 1997 Nissan Altima lacks...) so I've been listening to some Van Morrison. Sounds like springtime, with summer just around the corner, he does. "Real Real Gone," for starters.

Something to Make: I've had this chicken tortilla casserole up on my computer screen for a week now, just waiting to have the time to make it!