Saturday, April 19, 2014

Scanned Thoughts: Wolverine and the X-men #3

As any self-respecting drunk will admit, there are many things done wasted
that are never done sober. Some acts are just so stupid that it requires
hindering the function of certain areas of the brain to carry out. What sober
mind would ever smear themselves in chocolate sauce, break into a sorority
house, and ask if any of the girls is in the mood for an oversized candy bar? I’m
not saying it’s a terrible idea. I’m just saying it’s easier to see how things
will backfire when sober. It takes an astonishing level of weapons grade
stupidity for someone in a sober mind to do something as crazy as lure a pissed
off Wolverine and Storm into a trap. That’s like inviting a pyromaniac into a
fireworks factory. But that’s exactly what the Phoenix Corporation did in the
pages of Wolverine and the X-men when they abducted Kid Omega. Now in Wolverine
and the X-men #3, they have to give Storm and Wolverine a reason not to
horribly maim them. And they don’t have the luxury of blaming alcohol. In other
words, it sucks to be them.

And the list of reasons to give the Phoenix Corporation the Enron treatment
only keeps growing. The Odin wannabe who attacked Wolverine and Storm in the
previous issue keeps on mind-fucking them. For some reason, this involves
having he recall an essay that Genesis presented about differences. I guess it’s
intended to provide context about the difference between individuals of a
species. But it fails miserably. Spread some white out on it and nothing is
lost. It really adds nothing to the story or the drama. I doubt it even
succeeds at pissing off storm. But what does piss her off is reminding her that
she’s claustrophobic. So perhaps the old man could have skipped a step. I can’t
remember I ever found some kid reading a science essay engaging that didn’t
involve sex ed.

Once Storm is sufficiently pissed off, she shakes off the telepathic
mind-fucking in the same way most people shake off hangnails. It’s a beautiful
thing and Wolverine even acknowledges it with a little monologue. I’m pretty
sure he has a raging boner too, but he wouldn’t be the only one. She hits him
hard with some lightning and makes it clear that she doesn’t appreciate being
mind-fucked and she appreciates it even less when some creepy old guy threatens
her students, which is why I’m pretty sure the Vatican has never paid a visit
to the Jean Grey Institute. I agree with Wolverine that watching Storm unleash
her badassery is a beautiful thing. It’s just really hard to hide a boner.

The old man wisely figures out that he has very little chance against a
pissed off Storm. He already revealed his plan. He needs to take down Genesis
to prevent a future where a clash between him and a Phoenix-powered Kid Omega
turns the planet into burnt toast. So he goes back to playing on easy mode,
mind-fucking some of the bamfs that tagged along to lend support. He has them
transport him back to the Jean Grey Institute where he would then have to face
an army of teenage mutants. That’s still better than facing a pissed off Storm,
but not by much.

But the mind-fucking doesn’t end there. Not by a longshot. The Phoenix
Corporation abducted Kid Omega and the only way to really get through to him is
either through mind-fucking or beautiful naked women. I guess the Phoenix
Corporation doesn’t have enough beautiful naked women so the CEO, Eden Young,
goes with the mind-fucking route. I still say that’s almost as foolish as
pissing off Storm and Wolverine, but Entron and Worldcom have already shown
that successful corporations don’t have to be smart. They just have to be
brazen.

The inside of Kid Omega’s mind is one part planetarium and two parts Steven
King. Kid Omega acts like his usual teenage self with his typical teenage
arrogance, not taking Young or the Phoenix Corporation very seriously. Then
Young leads him through his mind, showing him mental doors that he claims
nobody ever dares open. However, not much is behind those doors. There’s no
mental pictures of Janet Reno in a thong or Chris Farley getting a prostate
exam. For some reason seeing Kid Omega give Wolverine a haircut is terrifying.
I honestly don’t know why this is part of Kid Omega’s psyche. With hair like
his, how could the barber be that terrifying? It’s just as confusing and
ineffective as Genesis’s essay.

The only one who seems to be accomplishing anything and working with equal
parts bravado and cunning is the old man. Having decided to quit before Storm
could shove a tornado up his ass, he appears at the Jean Grey Institute where all
he has opposing him is Doop, a living island, and a bunch of inexperienced
teenagers who know more about Facebook than they do about combat. It’s a short
yet satisfying fight. Doop doesn’t do much, as is his nature. And Karoka only
provides a welcome bit of muscle to what has been a mostly psychic battle. But
in the end, the old man still wins out and he does it without plagerizing
Magneto, Dr. Doom, or Sinister. He’s kind of becoming awesome is what I’m
saying here and I usually don’t say that about creepy old guys that aren’t
named George Carlin.

It’s not terribly creepy inside Kid Omega’s mind, which I have a hard time
believing. Eden Young takes him into a few more doors that lead him to a Temple
of Doom type setting where he basically gives Kid Omega a quick lecture on the
Phoenix. But like Genesis’s essay, it doesn’t really contribute much. He says
nothing that can’t also be found on Wikipedia. The Phoenix is a primordial
cosmic force. It was there at the very beginning of creation. It seeks out
those capable of wielding its flame. Blah fucking blah. Kid Omega takes it
about as seriously John Goodman takes his health. I still think Young would
have been better off resorting to beautiful naked women. Kid Omega is a fucking
kid for crying out loud. Does he really think that these boring lectures are
going to be that effective? He strikes me as the kind of guy who might think
abstinence only sex education is a good idea.

The only point Eden Young is trying to make here is that Kid Omega is the
next vessel for the Phoenix. But Kid Omega already knows this. He saw his older
self from the future for crying out loud. He doesn’t need a fucking lecture to
remind him. Even teenagers aren’t that absent-minded. Then Eden Young claims
that the teachers at the Jean Grey Institute are holding him back. He thinks he
can somehow take his Phoenix potential and help him realize it. Still, Kid
Omega isn’t buying it. At this point, the pitch could be tattooed on the back
of Emma Stone’s ass and he still wouldn’t give a shit. It gives the impression
that the Phoenix Corporation just wasted their time and over half the issue.

That’s why it’s such a relief to see Wolverine and Storm put a stop to the
mind-fucking and take their frustrations out on Eden Young. He might as well
have been talking to a brick wall. At least a brick wall doesn’t have the
annoying attitude of someone like Kid Omega. They’re both ready to put a stop
to his shit. He didn’t just abduct one of their students. He took a big shit on
Jean Grey’s name. That’s a big no-no for the X-men. It gives the impression
that the Phoenix Corporation risked an awful lot by pissing off the X-men and
getting jack shit in return. If they really thought they could convince a
renegade teenager like Kid Omega to join their little club, then they’re even
worse than Enron.

That doesn’t mean it’s a completely uneven fight. It just starts out that
way. Once again, Storm and Wolverine get mind-fucked. But this time, it’s not
from Eden Young. It comes from Kid Omega. It’s very unclear why or how. Young
claims that he just opened more doors in his mind that reveals the terrible
shit he’s going to have to do in the future with Apocalypse. But the battle
doesn’t stay even for long. Kid Omega is easy to piss off as well. And the
quickest way to piss of a teenager is to try to force them on a particular
fate. Any failed catholic school girl is proof of this. He doesn’t just turn on
Eden Young. He reveals that the man isn’t all that young and good looking
either. He’s a creepy old guy running a corporation that has a bunch of
cult-like minions. Maybe he should’ve stuck to Scientology.

The old man from earlier still proves himself to be the most effective
fighter of the bunch. After he subdues Karoka, he pays his respects to the
grave of Jean Grey like any skilled psychic ought to. He even reveals his name
as Faithful John Break-Sky, which I’m now thinking of naming my penis. Faithful
John gives the impression that he’s on a mission and that he knows both Jean
Grey and the students. Since Wolverine: Days of Futures Past (with the X-men as
guest stars) is coming out in a few weeks, he could certainly be a time
traveler. And he’s by far the most likable time traveler to come along since
Marty McFly. This still doesn’t stop the students of the Jean Grey Institute to
confront him, led by Idie. For a guy who just took on Storm and Wolverine as
warm up, it’s not a fair fight. But again, the man isn’t Freddy Kruger. He’s on
a different kind of mission and that mission doesn’t involve tormenting kids
and laughing in the most annoyingly sadistic way possible.

Once again, the battle turns into a mind-fuck. Unlike Eden Young’s failed
efforts, Faithful John finds a better way to get the job done. But enough about
my penis. The old man shows Idie and all the students the dark future that he’s
trying to prevent. This includes revealing to Genesis the apocalyptic asshole
that he’s destined to become. While I know it’s a dick move to try and lay out
a teenager’s future, this is one instance where a little foresight is probably
a good idea. I still don’t think it’ll be all that effective. These are still
teenagers. But it has a much more potent impact than anything the rest of the
Phoenix Corporation has done. If nothing else, it should cement Faithful John
as employee of the year.

I think it says a lot about this book when Faithful John Break-Sky is the
most interesting character in the issue. That’s not to say that others don’t
contribute. But he’s really the driving force of the story. The Phoenix
Corporation reminds me too much of a Mitt Romney speech. It has a lot of words,
but says jack shit. They don’t end up doing that much with Kid Omega. He’s
still destined to become the Phoenix. Why the fuck did the Phoenix Corporation
have to make a big deal about it? All they did was piss off Wolverine and Storm
while mind-fucking Kid Omega. Maybe there will be a payoff, but the impact is
painfully light. I can only give Wolverine and the X-men #3 a 6 out of 10. The
success of future issues are now entirely contingent by how much Faithful John
is involved. He’s the only one that seems to be doing anything remotely
interesting. And when a pissed off Wolverine and Storm cease to be interesting,
that’s cause for concern. Nuff said!

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About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.