Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Verbal
abuse is not sexy. Intimidation is not sexy. Public humiliation is not sexy.
Ruining the day is not sexy. So why does he think that a short period of time –
say a couple of hours -- after he’s been treating you terribly could somehow be
a good time for sex? He really thinks that this is when you are going to be in
the mood?

Not
exactly. The problem, as is so often true with abusive men, is that he isn’t
thinking about you at all; he’s thinking only about himself. He wants sex to
reassure himself that he hasn’t driven you away, and that he still has access
to your body. He thinks that if he can get you to have sex, that also means he
has erased from history the destructive acts he did earlier. And he wants to
have sex because in some twisted way his ugly behavior made him feel close,
even though it had the opposite effect on you.

And because
of the ways he’s been tearing you down, it gets hard for you to say no to sex
that you don’t want; you can end up feeling like giving him what he wants is
the only way to settle him down so that he doesn’t launch into more abuse, or
even violence.

He is the
one whose reactions are unhealthy, not yours. The feelings you are going
through are completely natural for a woman who has been demeaned and bullied.
When he has sex with you following one of his incidents, that is a form of
sexual abuse, even if you don’t – or can’t – fight him on it. Keep reminding
yourself that the sickness is in him, not in you. Sex after abuse is just more abuse.