Emily knows Kung-Fu and, for some reason, her Japanese Revenge Sensei speaks only in Fortune Cookie aphorisms while dispensing his yoda-ish wisdom. "If you let your emotions guide you, you will fail."

In his most sympathetic act to date, Conrad Grayson serves Victoria with divorce papers. Victoria sends her minion, Ashley, to fetch Daniel home.

Having caught him smooching Nolan, Ashely asks Tyler if he's bi. More like BIPOLAR, amirate? Actually, it looks like Tyler may be schizophrenic, and he's fresh outta crazy pills (Clozapine).

Sammy, the preposterously spry golden retriever knows Faux-manda is a whore and a terrible liar who cannot even fake enthusiasm in Jack's homemade blueberry pancakes.

Nolan, having developed feelings for the schizophrenic Rent Boy Tyler, doesn't want to pull back on his investment. The ever canny Emily discovers footage of the two men boning. THAT WHALE FLASH DRIVE CUTS BOTH WAYS, NOLAN.

Ryan Huntley, divorce attorney at law, approaches Victoria and asks to handle the upcoming case against her husband. He promises to ruin Conrad and only asks for complete financial transparency and access to all of her files. NOTHING FISHY THERE, VICTORIA. Turns out Huntley was a part of David Clarke's demise. Is he working for Emily? Another target in her Revenge scheme?

More fortune cookie wisdom from The Sensei: "I worry that your mind's quest is clouded by your heart." He believes Emily cares too deeply for Daniel.

What? You don't keep a childhood journal full of salient information so your doppleganger can convincingly impersonate you so you can draw her deeper into your web of lies and ultimately dispatch your Target (Victoria Grayson) against your temporary problem (Fauxmanda, aka SWF, aka frenemy, aka Miss Montauk aka Nolan Ross needs to ease up on the nicknames)? That's just short-sightedness on your part.

The fortune cookie dialogue is contagious. "Envy can be a powerful motivator."--Conrad Grayson. "Well, you reap what you sow." --Victoria Grayson

Word to the wise, little Charlotte Grayson, they're not called "apartment meetings." If you don't know what they're called, you're too young to move in with your high school aged townie boyfriend. Victoria Grayson gets her check back.

Okay, let's get this blackmail component straight. Emily and Daniel try to expose/blackmail Tyler out of his job with Conrad Grayson. Tyler uses the information he got from Lydia Davis's speech to blackmail Conrad into letting him stay. Tyler then has a rage episode over at Nolan's and SOMEHOW WALKS OFF WITH THE WHALE CAMERA (you're so bad at this Nolan) and enough ammunition to blackmail both the Graysons and Nolan.

Daniel, much like Sammy, the ridiculously spry, hates Fauxmanda on sight. Who's a good boy?!

At dinner with Ashley, Tyler's lack of of Clozapine really starts to show. He's practically twitching.

The Nolan/Emily alliance seems to be through (for now). Ally 1 gone. Daniel runs home to his mother. Ally 2 gone, but still within eyeshot from the porch. Ashley has obviously gone to the dark side. Ally 3 gone. The Sensei, fed up with Emily's soft spot for Daniel, takes off. Ally 4 gone.

Carnage:

Nothing this week! Nolan's hopes and dreams and laptop?

Soap Opera Cliches:

Blackmail galore! Evil twins!

The Gist: I'm sorry to see the divide between Emily and Nolan. They're so much fun when working together. It is great, however, to watch Emily manipulate Victoria and Amanda. I think none of us will be pleased to see Jack Porter heartbroken. . .again, but how much fun is an Off His Meds Tyler going to be? Still unclear on the exact role the divorce lawyer Ryan Huntley will play but I imagine we'll find out next week. And in a sea of mostly okay performances (not so fast Charlotte and Declan), Madeleine Stowe continues to be the stand-out. BITCHFACE!