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If it’s your birthday today, Happy Birthday from all of us here at SudoOne. (Just me then) I hope you get all the gifts you want and a cake especially for you. Unless you are a male over the age of 18. In which case, happy birthday mate. I haven’t got you anything because I’m not your Mum. If you are lucky I might buy you a pint. Men don’t do birthdays.

I buy a beer, pie or coffee, if birthdays are mentioned at all. If not, all the men I know carry on as if their birthday was nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I refuse to work on my birthday. But this has more to do with me disliking work than anything else. Today is a work colleagues birthday. He is way over 18. He spent £50 feeding people who aren’t his friends, some of them hate him and yet will eat the free food (I didn’t). He works on phones, spent the majority of the morning telling customers it was his birthday. Now I know you have to build a rapport with the great unwashed but when your customer wants to do what he needs to do and hang up (Sounds like I work on a Sex line) your ‘special day’ matters diddly squat and mentioning it can come across as unprofessional.

Food rituals in the workplace are bullshit too. Its a unwritten rule that you have to bring stuff for your birthday, and you are judged on the quality of food you get, catering for all allergies in the office and watching out for those arseholes who will double dip the breadsticks. You are therefore a mixture of You, Jamie Oliver and Robocop.

I like other peoples birthdays. It gives me an opportunity to show the women and children in my life how much they mean to me. Really thats a grand total of three or so gifts (Daughter, Mother and the official photographer of the New York Yankees etc) But those are people I care about and people who I know appreciate what I got them. Not some people I happen to sit in a building with. Birthdays should be banned from the workplace. Which brings me to Yaya Toure.

I know this is a ruse. Yaya even tried to point it out himself. But for those who don’t know, Toure plays for Manchester City FC and his agent is saying that he will leave because they didn’t wish him Happy Birthday. In all reality he wants to leave because he can get a big bundle of cash from Barcelona. Thats fine with me. (Man doing job wants more money for working). However he does need to sack his agent for the “Birthday” plan because Yaya now looks like a bit of a dick. I hope he stays at Man City just for all the Birthday related chants he’ll get.

In 2011, we are obsessed with size, “size 12 or bust” fit in to this or the world will end. Now don’t get me wrong, it is important to be healthy, but this has nothing to do with size. Healthy leads to different sizes for different people, as it should. Weight will fluctuate as will the size of a persons waist. That’s why the BMI index has an arc and as long as you are there or there abouts, your doctor will stay off your case.

Apparently these rules and human variations are not allowed to apply to women. To be attractive and confident, a lady has to be more lean than the Queens finest steak. To go from size 14 to size 16 is a failure, turns a stunner into a back end of a bus, just by going up by two meaningless numbers.

To go off on a tangent, what is it with the numbers? UK sizes, 8, 10, 12, 14 etc. These are just numbers. The US system even starts at zero, which apparently is something that is good to be. In the UK system there are no odd numbers no size 13 for you missus even if it does fit your gluteus Maximus like a glove. Guys sizes, for shirts and trousers are actual measurements, meaning that we don’t have the issue of being size 12 in M&S, size 10 in H&M. A 16.5″ shirt is the same everywhere. Ok we do have the small medium and large system, but that is for t-shirts, or underpants which either fit or not!

Are the women’s outfitters that concerned about the woman’s self esteem that they made up this system. Was it made up to ensure that men can’t buy their girlfriends clothes with confidence? Surely a measurement system would ensure comfort.

Tangent over, there are far more important things than dress sizes, you can be as skinny as a rake but if you are a bitch no-one will like you. Dress size can and will change, up and down like some hormonal stock market. Enjoy life, for it is short. Ladies none of you are supposed to look like stick insects, from a blokes standpoint the vast majority of us like something to grab onto. Those that don’t either haven’t reached puberty yet or secretly want to do the do with Chris rather than Christine.

Thats another thing, slight tangent (again) some people blame the “weight issue” with women on men. This is crap, pure crap. The headlines at the top of this post are a sample taken from womens magazines. Other women being bitchy about other women, blokes magazines and webpages love women. If a certain celebrity has put on some pounds it is not covered in a single mans magazine. In fact the curves and wobbles are celebrated.

Like this:

All women knew it would only be a matter of time, the years of burning bras have finally paid off. Men are surplus to requirements. At least for Lizards. (Note: If you have never seen a lizard in a bra you haven’t been to the same parties as me)

Men of yesterday were fools, denying the woman the vote, keeping little woman at home and giving her a jolly good slap if she burnt his crumpets. (Stereotype ahoy) So due to this foolishness men of today, in the western world at least, have been left to pay the price. Equality is an excellent idea, on paper. But so is communism and that doesn’t work either. Quantifying words at the ready.

Everyone is individual, some women may enjoy a domesticated role, cooking, cleaning etc. As may some men. Some men actively pursue careers in childcare or nursing, roles that were traditionally laid out for women. Women play a valuable part in the armed services. All good, free choices of the individual, except when things go wrong.

If there is a woman shot down the line of duty, much is given to the fact that she was indeed a woman, like she (as a trained solider) was defenceless and shouldn’t have been shot. If a woman is taken hostage, she is automatically portrayed as a damsel in distress.

If there is a incident involving the children in the care of a man, he will instantly be viewed as some kind of Michael Jackson tribute act. A predator with a internet connection and a bag of sweets.

Which brings me to pop princelet Justin Bieber who I believe at the current time of writing is 14 and 3 quarters, (I haven’t checked) When he first came to prominence I overheard a group of middle aged women at a bus stop, discussing in graphic detail what they would do to him to rock his world. This is acceptable apparently. Yet if a man was to say similar things about a girl of comparable age the police would be called.

If a man sunbathes in his own garden nude, and a woman sees and reports it. The man is arrested for indecent exposure. If the roles are reversed the man is a peeping tom.

The Man has disappeared, his role in life has been absorbed by modern woman. In the name of equality. Some men have been emasculated to such a point that they now are the ones buying makeup and “product” to do their hair. The last bastion of man appears to be at senior management level, but real power is with their wives, mistresses or PA’s. Just ask Silvio Berlusconi or Nicolas Sarkozy. (Or Carla Bruni’s husband, a man so famous I had to Google “French President” to remember his name) Powerful men, surrendering their power to women!

So the lizards can get on fine without men. Human women appear to have been getting on without men for years. Good for them.