Should the Children Know You've Had an Affair?

If you’ve had an extramarital affair, it’s likely that no one else in your circle of friends knows. Perhaps even your spouse doesn’t know. No one knows for sure how often affairs happen, but statistics suggest they may affect 40 percent or more of all marriages. Despite its prevalence, there is a cultural hush around infidelity. People just don’t talk about it.

Even when one spouse opens up to another, it’s quite probable that neighbors, parents and siblings may not have caught wind of it. But within the privacy of your own home, it may be your secret affects your children as well. Is your affair a private matter to them, or should they know?

Whose business is it?

One of the most frequent questions I get asked by couples who have been affected by infidelity is whether they should tell their children. When I reflect the question back to the couple, (a notorious trick of psychotherapists everywhere) asking them what they think, often they will tell me that they don’t think it’s a good idea, since the children may be emotionally harmed by finding out that one of their parents cheated on the other. Individuals (usually the partner who has been betrayed by his or her spouse) who argue in favor of revelation believe that the children have a right to know why tensions are high at home, or, in some cases, why mommy and daddy decided not to live together in the same home.

The simple answer to this question is that there is no simple answer to this question. If parents choose to say that an extramarital affair occurred, the information needs to be age-appropriate. The nature of monogamy may be a difficult concept for very young children to grasp, but most pre-schoolers that grow up in intact families have a general sense that their parents are only supposed to be affectionate toward each other. As children enter their school years, they master concepts such as “rules,” “limits,” and “right and wrong.” They may not yet understand about the specifics of sexual relationships, but usually by middle school most children have a pretty good sense of where babies come from. As children move into adolescence and teen years, well, you don’t need an expert in psychiatry to tell you that they have a world (world wide web, to be specific) of knowledge on relationships.

Is it right to involve the children?

But should parents tell about the affair, particularly if a child is able to understand the nature of infidelity? Let’s look at the argument that such knowledge is hurtful. It is true that children can be hurt by finding out this inconvenient truth about one of their parents. And, ideally, we ought to avoid unnecessarily hurting our children at all costs. But the unfaithful spouse is mistaken to believe the pain inflicted by the affair happens at the moment the child is told. No, the harm done to the child occurs at the moment that that partner elected to go outside the marriage for an emotional or physical relationship. When an affair happens, it cheats the spouse and the family of the love and commitment of a partner and parent. Telling the child may put an ugly name on why a parent has pulled away from the family, but it is, ultimately, naming a truth. And if there is one thing that affairs teach us, it is how devastating lies can be.

I think it’s also a mistake, though, to conclude that all children should be told about an affair. When couples are affected by an affair, they have the challenge of establishing a truthful and open relationship, but they also have the task of rebuilding trust. Before the parent who has been cheated on assumes that the child must know, it’s worth asking what the motivation is. After all, if you’ve been the victim of an affair you know it can generate a tsunami of negative emotion. When you turn to tell your children, are you sharing the knowledge with them because it’s information they must know, or are you telling them to vent your own anger or to inflict damage on your spouse? Your children should not be used for hurting others or as your personal therapists.

Making the call.

So, should you tell your kids about an affair? Here are some guidelines for helping you make this important decision:

Probably not: If the couple agree that they wish to remain in an intact marriage and continue to live together, and the person involved in the affair is no longer in the picture, then there is probably no reason to involve the children. It’s none of their business, and may stir up negative emotions for everyone involved.

Possibly so: Even when parent stay together, if one of the people involved in the affair was a neighbor, teacher, or other person who the family no longer has contact with, the child may need a deeper understanding of why the “friendship” ended.

Possibly so: If the couple continue to work on the marriage, but many people in the community already know the affair has happened, and there is a good likelihood that the child will find out anyway, it may be better to hear it from their parents first.

Probably so: If a couple choose to stay together but are clearly in emotional turmoil related to the aftermath of the affair, then the children may need to understand why their parents are behaving as they are.

Probably so: If one partner wishes to separate from the other either because the unfaithful one wants to continue the affair, or the affected partner cannot bear to live with a cheating mate, then if the children are of an appropriate age, they deserve a clear explanation of what is going on.

Moving forward.

Protecting the well being of your children is the most natural thing in the world. That’s one good reason not to have an affair in the first place. But if the devastating effects of an affair have hit your family, then you should try to protect your children from the negative effects. However, if you can’t find a way to peacefully work though the aftermath of infidelity, then you may not be able to shield your children from the truth. That means that both parents must sit with the children, and get ready for a long talk. From that point on, the whole family has the challenge of rebuilding together

From a "child's" perspective (I'm an adult now), I wish I'd been told that my father was having an affair. The day my Mom found out, she left the house in anger. I was terrified that she wasn't coming back, convinced I'd done something wrong, and begged her not to go. That incident haunted me for years, because I never understood what had happened to make her so angry that she'd just leave. She did come back the next day, after she'd cooled off, but the image of my mother leaving and the anguish I felt never left. Maybe at the time I was too young to understand what an affair was, but even being told "your Dad did something that I'm very upset about and I need to go out for a while," would have helped. I lived in terror that if I did something horrible, Mom would leave again but not come back.

Then, when I was in college, the person my Dad had an affair with contacted my family. He was moving in to a new job, and she worked for the same company. I answered the phone...she asked me for info I didn't have, so I ended up handing the phone off to my Mom. I was shocked beyond belief when I heard that conversation degenerate in to yelling and swearing. It took a huge effort to get my mother to tell me what was going on. Knowing that my Dad had an affair put many events of my childhood in to a new perspective. It was hard to hear, but relieved some of the anxieties I lived with.

So, I think it's important for the parents to think about the messages they are sending to their kids. If there's a chance of the kid encountering the other person at some point, or if the actions of the parents are impacting the kids, it's important to explain what's going on in an age appropriate way.

Thanks for the personal story. I think parents think they are doing the best thing for their children when they "protect" them from the truth, but as your story illustrates, it would have helped you to have known.

This story is very similar to what happened when I found out about my x husband cheating, and that was not the first time. My son was too young to have noticed anything when he had his first admitted affair. He was only about Six at that time. It was horrific news to me. I never suspected a thing, but after I found out I did remember him acting strange, but never did I think that he was really having an affair. I have three older girls that I tried keeping it a secret from, but my x loved this woman so he did things and said things openly so that they knew, affecting my oldest daughter the most as she was 16 at the time. In doing so I was all the more devastated. I decided to try and work things out anyway and keep the family together. He promised to work things out. I was never the same until the second time I became aware of him cheating. I threw my husband out waking all the kids. He lived in the basement of my son's then football coach. He didn't come by much. We didn't even talk about divorce much. I was overwhelmed with all four kids alone and my son wouldn't let me out of his sight. I had many talks with him. He was nine by then. He couldn't grasp that we no longer could live together. He begged that I lived upstairs and his dad downstairs. I cried, I was a wreck, scared, and so sad for my son. He was heartbroken, and I was even more depressed because of that. I was lonely and didn't have a clue what to do next. I went to a vocational school to become a patient care nurse. One day I was so overwhelmed and had an argument with my oldest daughter.left the house in a raging panicked manner and my son was scared and asked me not to go and was pulling on my arm. That day, I will never forget. So much more pain and conflict came after that between me and his father. To make this a little short to read, we just got finally divorced, Jan 30th this year 2015. I know my son has not healed and neither have I . I want to help my son heal so desperately, but he doesn't want to even hear about going to counseling with me. I don't know what to do.

When a parent decides to have an affair, it starts eroding away at the family and children ARE a part of the family so once you've decided to sabotage the marriage and the whole family then everyone, including the kids, get dragged into the mess.

It is always easy to tell the kids to shut up and mind their own business but once you have a family, your deliberately chosen affairs and infidelities end up being everyones business...

Parents say that their kids can't hide anything from them but the same is true in reverse. You think the kids haven't suspected something is amiss? Think again.

You tell a hard truth, Ryu. It reminds me of how people in the US, when they get felony convictions, they can't get jobs, housing, etc. They should have thought about that before they committed the crime, but people don't think things though. I suppose, if they did, affairs would practically never happen.

Dr. Haltzman, I'd like to share the option of saying, an "ACCURATE truth", rather than a hard truth. Truth, is not hard. It's only hard for those who CHOOSE to be weak and live for their ego at the expense of themselves or others.
Too many folks opt for the "chicken exit" on truthfulness.
Promoting the phrase of a HARD truth, only helps them stay weak. I feel if we "call it like it is" and let the truth, be the truth, it will benefit those who need support in strengthening their emotional and social intelligence.

Here's an ACCURATE reality:
I would NEVER diminish a successful, joyous moment in someone's life as, they've fully earned their consequence. Why would I ever diminish the truth that a clumsy/piggish/negative moment is the creation of that very same person?
To me, it's the "loudest" silent way, of telling that person I do not believe they have the ability to fall, FEEL & experience the consequences of their actions; own them; and then dare to CHOOSE to accept/own/correct/apologize and EVOLVE to make better choices in the future.

Dr. Haltzman, I'd like to share the option of saying, an "ACCURATE truth", rather than a hard truth. Truth, is not hard. It's only hard for those who CHOOSE to be weak and live for their ego at the expense of themselves or others.
Too many folks opt for the "chicken exit" on truthfulness.
Promoting the phrase of a HARD truth, only helps them stay weak. I feel if we "call it like it is" and let the truth, be the truth, it will benefit those who need support in strengthening their emotional and social intelligence.

Here's an ACCURATE reality:
I would NEVER diminish a successful, joyous moment in someone's life as, they've fully earned their consequence. Why would I ever diminish the truth that a clumsy/piggish/negative moment is the creation of that very same person?
To me, it's the "loudest" silent way, of telling that person I do not believe they have the ability to fall, FEEL & experience the consequences of their actions; own them; and then dare to CHOOSE to accept/own/correct/apologize and EVOLVE to make better choices in the future.

When a parent decides to have an affair, it starts eroding away at the family and children ARE a part of the family so once you've decided to sabotage the marriage and the whole family then everyone, including the kids, get dragged into the mess.

It is always easy to tell the kids to shut up and mind their own business but once you have a family, your deliberately chosen affairs and infidelities end up being everyones business...

Parents say that their kids can't hide anything from them but the same is true in reverse. You think the kids haven't suspected something is amiss? Think again.

Five years ago, I discovered my husband was having an affair. Our children were aged 12, 8 and 4 at the time. We tried to make it work but once I realised months later that the affair was still going on, we had to end our marriage.

I would argue for telling the truth always but in as kind a way as you can.
Very recently the middle child who is now almost 13 asked me in the car, out of the blue, 'did dad not care about us when he decided to be with ???. It's just that we were very young at the time.' (Implication being that they are now mature and grownup. LOL.)
I said yes he did care about you all, he always did and I think he always will but he didn't think I would find out and so he thought it would fizzle away and then life would just go back to normal and nobody would be affected.' This is the truth as I see it but I'm not being mean to him either.
She replied, 'Oh I wish that is what had happened.'
My eldest daughter, now almost 16, said 'Well, I don't'
I was surprised and asked her why.
She said 'Because if you never found out then you would have gone on and then everything would have been based on a lie.'
Children cope very well with the truth, it's the lies that don't allow them to construct a proper framework for life decisions during their formative years.
They should be informed of all important, relevant facts about their lives in a tactful, gentle but limpidly honest way.

I am in a dilemma because I know my wife started an affair and then decided to leave me (is that called an exit affair?). No one knows this but I - my ex-wife does not know that I know this either. I have kept it to myself for 1.5 yrs. My girls are 13 and 10 and we live in a small community of 5000 people.
If I tell my girls, then they will eventually confide in others and then the word will get out.
In my case, I believe telling the girls will lead to besmirching my ex's reputation in this community. That will make life worse for all of us.
I think I will eventually tell my girls in many years from now so that they understand what their father went through emotionally and how that led to me not being as good of a person as I should have been as I worked through my pain.
I do want my girls to know so that they understand how selfish acts can hurt loved ones. I don't want them to do what their mother did. But the timing does not seem right.
Does that make sense to anyone?

Holding back the information is not helping them especially if you are thinking that this is an "exit affair." It almost seems like you are taking on the role of martyr "for the sake of the children." Kids are smarter than most people think and if you don't provide the correct answers, they will formulate answers on their own. I've been there.

My ex-husband had an affair and refused to end it. I divorced him and it was the best possible thing I could have done. My son was four when the affair started and my ex actually took our son with him when he visited this woman. My son saw the toll it was taking on me. Unfortunately he lived with that every day while I tried to keep a broken marriage together.

When his dad and I decided to divorce I explained to my son, who was about six at the time, that daddy had a girlfriend and that you are not supposed to do that when you are married. No graphic details, no daddy is a horrible person... He can form his own opinions as he grows up. He knows the truth and he knows that mom does not think the bahavior was good or right.

Not telling your children is setting them up to be blindsided later on. Personally I think waiting "until they are older" will only make them feel more betrayed when the truth does come out. It could very well backfire on you and make them resent you for keeping them in the dark.

If you explain the truth in terms they can understand then you are also letting them know that they can come to you and that YOU will always be on the level with them. That is a powerful thing for any child to know. Trust me on this, I see it with my now eight year old son already, he knows he can talk to me and I will be open and honest with him. In a weird way, the affair and my being honest about it with my son has actually helped to strengthen what was already a really strong bond because he knows he will get straight answers from me.

Please forget what everyone else will think... Tell your children and if they confide in friends then so be it. What other people think really doesn't matter. People are always going to talk and they will move on to a new topic before you know it. Besides, you may be very surprised at how supportive many of them may be. Small town or not, I seriously doubt you are the first person living there to deal with the fall-out of an affair. You may find yourself being comforted by friends and family that know exactly what you are feeling... That happened to me. Everyone knows someone that has been through this betrayal.

Protecting your spouse at this point is also sort of ironic since she didn't extend you the courtesy of protecting you and your children from the pain caused by her affair. It honestly sounds more like you are protecting her because you are ashamed that she did this to you. Don't be. She is an adult and she and only she is responsible for her choices. You didn't cause her to make the choices she did.

I can tell you that I caught a lot of flak from my ex's mother and extended family for telling my son the truth about what had happened. They are big on secrets and "family loyalty" and crap like that... There is a lot of alcoholism and abuse issues in my ex's family so secrets are a big deal and the expected norm. The truth embarrassed her. It happens... Hold your head up high and press on.

My son talks opening now about what happened now and I really think that has helped him deal with it. He lives with me but he does spend time with his dad too. Knowledge is power. You can't undo the affair but you can decide to help your children deal with it. That's just my two cents...

First of all, I want to thank you for your very insightful and in depth response. It always amazes me how much effort people can put into helping a total stranger. You shared a very painful experience with me to help illustrate your perspective and that is very kind.

As for my children, they really do not have any idea. My ex hid this very well from the public. She is very cunning and manipulative. So they do not know nor do they suspect. She waited 14 months before openly talking about her 'new' boyfriend. So this would be a total shocker.

Me telling the girls will shatter the image of their mother. I don't see how this is any good. She is a decent person in many other ways and a good role model for them by encouraging them to eat healthy, be involved in sports, and doing well in school. She has no moral compass when it comes to love, commitment and men. Her father was an extremely violent man who beat her mother, my ex and brother on a daily basis. Our ex marriage councillor and I believe she may have been a victim of sexual abuse as well. Shaming her publicly will not take back what happened. Exposing her will not make me happier, erase my pain nor will it make my children better happier people.

I do get what you are saying but for now I am waiting until I am comfortable with telling them, when they are adults.

Someone stated that this is telling a lie to them. This is not telling a lie and I don't think they will begrudge me for this. They will understand that I was sparing them the pain and embarrassment. They have had to make big adjustments and they don't need to burdened with this as well.

Someone said I am being a martyr. I am not a martyr either. A martyr wants everyone's sympathy. I want my girls to be in a positive space. They are children and they will have a lifetime to deal with the real life pressures as adults.

Right now all that I am trying to do is to forgive her for her weakness and poor judgement so that I can move on emotionally and find someone to share my life with. This is, as you well know, an incredibly difficult task. If I bring all of the cheating and lies into a public forum, it will create an emotional storm for all of us. I fear that I will have a much harder time getting through forgiving her and be trapped in an angry, self pitying and destructive world.

Thank you for your kind words, I am still working through this issue and will continue to ponder my options.

Holding back the information is not helping them especially if you are thinking that this is an "exit affair." It almost seems like you are taking on the role of martyr "for the sake of the children." Kids are smarter than most people think and if you don't provide the correct answers, they will formulate answers on their own. I've been there.

My ex-husband had an affair and refused to end it. I divorced him and it was the best possible thing I could have done. My son was four when the affair started and my ex actually took our son with him when he visited this woman. My son saw the toll it was taking on me. Unfortunately he lived with that every day while I tried to keep a broken marriage together.

When his dad and I decided to divorce I explained to my son, who was about six at the time, that daddy had a girlfriend and that you are not supposed to do that when you are married. No graphic details, no daddy is a horrible person... He can form his own opinions as he grows up. He knows the truth and he knows that mom does not think the bahavior was good or right.

Not telling your children is setting them up to be blindsided later on. Personally I think waiting "until they are older" will only make them feel more betrayed when the truth does come out. It could very well backfire on you and make them resent you for keeping them in the dark.

If you explain the truth in terms they can understand then you are also letting them know that they can come to you and that YOU will always be on the level with them. That is a powerful thing for any child to know. Trust me on this, I see it with my now eight year old son already, he knows he can talk to me and I will be open and honest with him. In a weird way, the affair and my being honest about it with my son has actually helped to strengthen what was already a really strong bond because he knows he will get straight answers from me.

Please forget what everyone else will think... They don't matter and people are always going to talk and they will move on to a new topic before you know it. Besides, you may be very surprised and how supportive many of them may be. Small town or not, I seriously doubt you are the first person living there to deal with the fall-out of an affair. Remember, this is about your family not anyone else in your community.

Protecting your spouse at this point is also sort of ironic since she didn't extend you the courtesy of protecting you and your children from the pain caused by her affair. It honestly sounds more like you are protecting her because you are ashamed that she did this to you. Don't be. She is an adult and she and only she is responsible for her choices. You didn;t cause her to make the choices she did.

I can tell you that I caught a lot of flak from my ex's mother and extended family for telling my son the truth about what had happened. They are big on secrets and "family loyalty" and crap like that... There is a lot of alcoholism and abuse issues in my ex's family so secrets are a big deal and the expected norm. The truth embarrassed her.

My son talks opening now about what happened now and I really think that has helped him deal with it. He lives with me but he does spend time with his dad too. Knowledge is power. You can't undo the affair but you can decide to help your children deal with it. for what it is worth, that is just my two cents...

Bobby my man, why are you worried about her reputation around the community! You best believe that she had help in her little party and those folks were laughing behind your back the whole time. I've been there! Her parents didn'twant to believe it but once I presented my evidence there was no more denial! I told my 2 daughter's right away and when they asked their mother she lied even more claiming "he's just mommy's friend".. anyone who knows me knows I am a good father and husband. I have faults as everyone does but cheating is not one! Don't be a sucker. You sound like a good dude. Don't worry abouther rep..She didn't worry about yours!

I agree with your decision Bobby. We cannot expect our children to understand and cope with the feelings of rejection and loss of trust that an affair causes adults to fall apart. When your children are older and more emotionally mature then you can answer their questions at that time with as much honesty as YOU see appropriate given their needs. As their Father you are uniquely qualified to make this decision and keep on the side of discretion if YOU believe the situation would be harmful. In no way are you "a martyr" as somebody else said...don't even validate that BS with an answer. Stay strong for your children and reap the rewards if placing their needs first in the years yet to come.

No it doesn't make sense. Tell them and everyone who is affected closely be the situation the truth in as kind and tactful a way as possible. Nobody will think better of you years from now for lying to them, no matter what the reason.

I recently contacted a doctor named Ekaka i find his email: ekakaspelltemple @ yahoo. com on the internet so i decided to contact him for help in my relationship he ask me to send him my details which i did after that he told me that the gods revealed something to him and he told me everything that was revealed to him and he told me what he was going to do that after three days my relationship became sweet again and the person that was behind my problem came to beg me for forgiveness which was my mother in-law. i and my love are happy again including my mother in-law and we are planning to have a party for this Easter… thanks to Dr. Ekaka.

6 months ago, I found out that my wife had been having an affair. We have 3 daughters together 13,12 and 11. I confronted her and she readily admitted what was going on and broke down and confessed everything. After 6 months of marriage counseling, many sessions together, many individually and dozens of "talks"; I've decided to seek a divorce after 17+ years. She thought we had made lots of progress and was shocked at my decision. It was the hardest decision of my life. I informed her this week of my intention and we plan on breaking the news to our kids this weekend. I've been reading a much as I can about how to break this "crappy/shitty" news to our kids over the last 48 hrs. My wife and I differ as whether or not to tell them about their Mom's affair. I'm in favor of it, not to bash my wife or make her feel any worse than she already does, but to have a honest and open communication. She doesn't want to for obvious reasons. I believe we have raised our kids to be responsible and understanding. My biggest reasons for telling them now, with my wife present is that, I want to show them we are still and hope to always be a united front when it comes to them. I also don't want the neighborhood and school yard gossip to inform of something they should hear directly from Mom & Dad. Thanks for listening.

My ex husband and I decided to divorce because he had an affair. I was surprised by this affair as we were a very affectionate couple. The kids have always seen us holding hands and kissing and other innocent touches. There was no indication that anything was ending.

I decided to tell my children that daddy had kissed another woman and that we had made vows when we got married to not do that. I told them because I didn't want them thinking that love could end one day for no reason. My ex wanted to tell the kids we had fallen out of love. I thought that would be incredibly damaging and confuse the kids. I refused to send them the message that love could end at any moment and destroy their faith in relationships. At the time I could find no one on the internet that said it was best to tell the children, I just knew.

I told them they would have to work on forgiving their father and that people make mistakes and are not perfect.

After I asked him to leave he moved in with her and they ended up marrying. He barely has a relationship with his kids, phoning them once every two weeks. I don't know if he could not live with the revelation, knowing the kids knew, or he simply has a new family and would have done this no matter what. I wish there was an easy answer.

Our kids' mother left me for her affair partner a little over a year ago. A year later, they are engaged (when they left on a Euro trip for almost two weeks which turned out to be a pre-honeymoom. I took care of the kids. We have joint custody otherwise). She introduced him to the kids right after she moved out, which did cause problems, for almost a year. Our son has kind of started bonding with him. I think she should have been honest with our kids (the other one is just about 3 now), and dealt with the fallout then. It was tough for me to not alienate when they mentioned the OM, but I just act neutral now, and validate whatever they say. I think eventually they may figure it out, though, which I think will cause them pain again.

Marriage is complicated. I've been married for 17 years. In July 2014, after a big fight, I got very pissed off. When the pain of the fight wore off, I found myself very alone and lonely....who was this woman I was married to?

We tried counseling, our major issues were communications problems. The baggage of 17 years made it so, my wife formed judgements about everything before I could finish a sentence. I became this stranger in my own house. Discipline of the child became a way to continue our struggles insomuch that when I enforced something we both believed our child should be doing, the punishment I placed on the child was sometimes overruled and the excuse given was that your dad is being mean today....wtf over!!!! When we tried to talk about this, my wife would admit that it was wrong, and that if she had a problem with a punishment we should discuss it behind closed doors then agree on the punishment or a more appropriate one and speak with one voice. But this rarely actually occurred. I was ridiculed in front my son, and sometimes emasculated in front of him.

I got to the point where it was so bad I adopted avoidance as a strategy. This of course didn't work either.

So in July, I posted an ad on Craigslist (in the platonic section) looking for a friend, stating my life was coming apart and I was very lonely. I did so in an English speaking country an ocean away.

This person I met...well she was pretty remarkable. And she filled the emotional void that I no longer had with my spouse. Over time the relationship with the "other" grew to a point where feelings developed. When your starved for affection, validation and support....well let's just say I was so thirsty for this in my life, I was drinking from the faucet as often as I could. In was intoxicating and ridiculously satisfying.

I need to clarify this point. I am NOT defending my actions, not making excuses, not saying what I did was right in any way shape or means. It was wrong.

Recently, my son started snooping and discovered some of mine and the other's conversations. He held it inside for a bit, then finally he showed the wife.

Despite the fact there was never any physical contact, (I know an emotional affair is no less devastating than a physical one). Wife was overwhelmed with pain. It is understandable.

Clearly this was not the way to fix anything....I was very selfish. I have no idea how to fix or heal my son and i's relationship.

The wife and I are in marriage counseling. I think this affair will ultimately force us both to work on our problems, and the marriage will survive (I hope). I am truly sorry for what I did.

We are doing family counseling starting tomorrow. Wife believes I should apologize to my son everyday. I have said I was sorry, I didn't go into the dirty details with him. The conversations he saw were largely benign, but clearly I and the other were more than friends.

The article is about to tell or not to tell the kids....what do you do when the kid discovers it? I accept the fact my son and I's relationship will never be as it was....but I didn't betray him...it had nothing to do with him, although he is clearly in the wake of my actions. How can I make him understand I love him no less then ever? That the situation and the precipitation of the affair had nothing to do with him....the wife thinks I have scarred him for life.

If your reply starts with "you should have thought about it before you started the affair" please don't bother, I have enough shame and guilt to last a lifetime then reading or hearing another statement of the obvious.

I am not a woe is me person, I can deal with the consequences of my actions with my spouse....but never in my heart of hearts did I expect this to spill over to my son. Or think he would go snooping. Think he would discover it.

I am sorta in the same boat but I was the one having an affair, and my phone and my son's phone had a very weird thing happen where he got my texts for about 4 days before mothers day and saw everything that we text back and forth and didn't know how to tell me.So on mothers day he hand me a card and says when were you gonna tell me about the affair and was angry at me for not telling him or my husband, I then told my husband.I also felt angry that my son would continue reading texts for days before telling me! It's just a big mess. But it was my affair, my private void being filled for me. I love my husband, I love my children, But I also love myself and needed to be taken care of in ways I wasn't and I didn't want it to come out because I felt it was private. I wasn't hurting anyone.

Trish, real quick hon!....YOU HURT EVERYONE! my soon to be ex wife tried kicking that same bulls$*t line to me too! Every time you snuck off to see your om you took life from your whole family. Every time you kissed had sex and did whatever you thought was your own private thing you stole that time and pleasure from your husband and your family. I do believe the marriage vows went something like this...for better for worse, until death do you part...NOT, for better for worse or until something that looks good comes along! Wake up and take a good hard look at the person you have become, and then thank god and your ex family that your husband thought more of you NOT to do it to you!

I am in a similar spot as villain. I GREATLY regret my choices and behaviors and am beginning to realize how awful this has become and will become. I have destroyed bonds that I hold very dear with my wife and children. My kids (17 and 21) don't know yet but the person I had the affair with has become VERY vengeful since I broke it off and is trying to contact my friends and family to tell everyone that I am a "bad person". She lived a ways away so she is "reaching out" through the internet and FB and such. She has gotten to my son and he believes in me so much that he did not believe her and just thought her to be an internet crazy person (which she is) and I let it lie right there... but he needs to know the truth because she might not stop and find a way to contact him again. My daughter knows nothing about it yet, but my wife and I are deeply disturbed that she might find out from the crazy lady I got involved with. So I think we need to sit both of them down and I need to come clean with my wife by my side. It's gonna devastate them both and change the way they see me forever. I have been a good faithful dad and father up until this happened. I have torn down much of what I value and cherish. A word of advice to those in an affair or being enticed by the thought... DON'T DO IT! No matter what hole it seems to fill. Heal that hole before you try to fill it with an affair or drug or gambling or whatever! Just don't do it an avoid a lifetime of regret!

Last Spring I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a woman 18 years his junior. We went to counselling, throughout which he lied about still having contact with her.

Long story short, we split up in August 2014 and I moved out. We just told the kids that it wasn't working and that it was better that Mommy and Daddy live apart, and stressed our love for them.

Now, less than a year later, he is deciding to tell the kids he is dating her. I am having huge issues with this, mostly based on the fact that 1) I have serious doubts about this relationship lasting, and 2) I have huge issues with this woman being around my kids...not my choice, I know, ultimately.

Thing is, I have been struggling with whether to tell the kids or not...I keep thinking they will find out eventually and I have read that the later that happens, the greater the impact.

I can understand your frustration. "Mommy and Daddy" drifted apart give the message that when your children marry one day, and they drift apart, they should separate and divorce. Daddy was unfaithful to Mommy and that's why we separated is a lot more truthful and give a different message--that infidelity can crush a marriage; particularly when Daddy now is dating the woman whom he had an affair with.

And you're right; not much you can do about her being around the kids.

Whether you should tell the kids is based in part on their age and ability to understand. If I were helping someone in this situation, I'd first give the husband a chance to tell the kids that he was dating this woman during the marriage. That would be experienced by the kids as one parent "taking responsibility" rather than one parent "blaming the other."

Further to my last comment, when he did tell them he was dating (two Saturdays ago), he purposefully withheld the name. Why, I have no idea. Further, he lied about where they had met.

When the kids came home from their weekend with him and told me this, I was stunned. I contacted him and said that I would not cover for him, that I couldn't imagine why he had withheld the info and lied, a truth that was bound to be found out as when he was having the affair, he regularly took the children to his workplace (also hers) under the premise of 'visiting.'

So I told him I wouldn't cover, and that when the children came to me I would answer their questions openly. They did, and I did. I explained that dad had his reasons for dealing with it as he did, but that I didn't necessarily understand nor agree with it. I told them who it was he was dating (another knife to the gut, as they were thrilled that it was dad's friend from work that they like so much).

Now he is refusing to speak to me, and actually told our daughter that he isn't speaking to me because I told them about her. Why he would disclose that to a 10-year-old is beyond me. There was no need. I feel that he is now using the children as pawns, bringing them into an adult argument for which they have no responsibility, nor should have.

I am so torn. I feel that if I tell him now that he should tell the children about his affair, that it will seem like retaliation, though I have been thinking about it for some time. I always want my reasons for doing anything to be clear and well thought-out.

I am nearly 50 and both me and my sister are the product of an affair. I know very little about it, apart from the name of my father. He has passed how can I find out more about things without upsetting his children ? Where does this leave me when my children ask who my father was ?

My child is the product of an affair, the why and how don't matter. The father hasn't told anyone about our child, I find myself torn, do I keep everything the way it is or do I tell his family. My question is do you wish you would have known your father and his family?

I do not have experience with this, but I think it's important for you to first define what are your expectations from the family? Do you want them to be a part of the child's life? Are you even okay with them being in your child life? Or do you just want the family to know and be done with it? I believe you have to define the"why" before you make the decision. And are you prepared for the family to possibly ignore the information and go on living as if your child's existence. If you don't have any expectations from them, tell them. If you do have expectations, then you really want to figure out if you are ready to deal with the possible drama that will come with it. And lastly, if he is still with his wife, are you prepared to deal them possibly rejecting your child? Because the wife may choose not to deal with the product of an affair. I understand that a child is now involved, but because of the circumstances, do not expect sympathy or much understanding.

My issue is a bit unique and we're at a loss as to how to
handle it. My 33 year old stepson has decided that his dad
owes him an explanation and apology for the divorce of him and the mother 20+ years ago.

About 23 years ago my husband and I had an affair after
meeting at the gym and becoming workout friends. It's not
something we are proud of but it happened. We had
stopped the affair after he told his wife about me and he
remained with her and tried to work things out. He had been very unhappy long before I came into the picture and that
didn't change. Eventually he told her he was still in love with me and that he wanted a divorce. We reconnected about 5 months after that and eventually moved in together (and
later married). The ex-wife had told the oldest 2--a girl and a boy--that their dad had an affair. We felt the kids handled the
divorce quite well but his older son has always kept me at a
distance--he's not a good communicator and has trouble
expressing his feelings...but I could always feel his
resentment. We had him in therapy on and off through his
teens and figured that the divorce was a closed chapter. He has always been close to his mom and he doesn't put much effort into his relationship with his dad, despite his dad's
efforts to be close to him. Now, 20 years later, he has
recently gotten married and had a baby girl and his
resentment is at an all time high! He seems angry and
resentful towards both of us and seems to think I have
stopped he and his dad from having a relationship--which
isn't true. No matter what his dad says to him, he gets
defensive and takes no responsibility for the issues they
have. My relationship with his older sister and younger
brother is fine...they appreciate me and acknowledge me as
their stepmother. Even his sister is fed up with his attitude.
The ex-wife remarried many years ago and my relationship
with her is great! Everyone has moved on except him.

I'd like opinions about two things. First, after 20+ years does my husband have to offer his son additional details of the
demise of the marriage and an apology? At 33 years old,
he's had a serious relationship break up so he knows that
life hurts and relationships are hard...so what is to be
gained? If anything, I could see him just using the information
as ammunition towards keeping his dad at a distance...it's as
if he wants to punish his dad all over again. Secondly, I
have decided to remove myself from my stepson's life. He
doesn't have to worry about me visiting, calling etc. He can
then just focus on his relationship with his dad. After 20
years of being treated like a second rate citizen, I'm tired of
it. Life is short and he's an adult who is making the decision
treat me that way. My husband supports my decision but is
sad about it.

Just because everyone else has gotten over it and moved on does not mean your step son has to do the same. Perhaps he remembers having a good relationship with his dad before the affair. Perhaps he connects you with the time period when his dad wasn't acting the same. Kids know. From experience my kid saw a difference in his behavior. So perhaps he connects you as being the root cause of that painful experience. So you talking like he needs to get over it sounds very selfish and uncaring. So what he has been through multiple therapy sessions. Infidelity is wrong. It does not matter that you married him and the wife is now remarried. The both of your actions destroyed a family unit. Do you not think it would have been easier for him to cope had his dad admitted his unhappiness and moved toward a divorce without the affair. Stop coming off as overly righteous like what you did was not wrong. You can't always put a bandaid on an affair. This impacts lives. It's so sad to hear how you speak as if he owes you, so you won't speak to him. Really?

Interesting, after reading all of these comments, it seems that only the "victim" or the person that was "caught" has written in. No one that has an affair on going and/or pulled one off has written it. Why is that?

40% of marriages have atleast one spouse that is unfaithful. So my guess is that many affairs go off without being found out. However, if one of those people were to write in, what would the reaction be? It's not a popular position to be in, but doing the math, it seems like there are a lot of them out there.
Many people that are reading this will conclude that it is a high risk endeavor to have an affair and not worth it. But I'd like to hear more from the ones that did pull it off. In your mind, did the children suffer? Afterall, you stayed together, while it appears many that wrote in, divorced. So?

It is never pulled off without rejection bei g felt by the children....time away from home changes, secluded in a room on the phone, change in interaction with the children. They recognize a change without understanding so assume cheating parent no longer wants to be with them. Opportunity emotions play a role in infidelity. When situations present themselves you have to walk away...do not engage. If you have to tell the first lie you know it is violating the marriage intimacy of sharing and caring for only one.

I found out in June that my spouse had been cheating on me by getting massages with a little something extra at the end called a Happy Ending for at least three years. I called him on it and he admitted it but when asked how long he had been doing it, he said only a few months and I had emails going back 3 years.We have always had a challenging marriage and had been to counseling several times. We have been married 35 years. We went to counseling again after this, but the therapist was terrible so we quit after about 6 sessions. My husband said that he was committed to making our marriage work so we should find another way to fix our marriage. It was Christmas by then and so we put finding the next strategy on hold for a bit. I did not look into other avenues because I have always been the one encouraging us to talk and work things out. He did not talk to me about pursuing any help either. Oh, the other part is that he has been a high functioning alcoholic for at least 10 years and I have been asking him to get help for that for a while now...at least the last 3 years. About a month ago, I said that I didn't know how our marriage could get better if he didn't stop drinking because the drinking created such a chasm between us. About a month ago, he started going to work on Sundays. Three weeks ago, I just had a funny feeling and looked at his texts and sure enough he had been soliciting massages again. The numbers he texted were all for Adult Sites. There were texts where he thanked her for the massage with a blow the kiss emoji. They were different women. I finally told him last Sunday that I knew he was soliciting women again and along with the drinking, I had finally given up any hope that our marriage could be saved. We are getting divorced. We have 2 adult daughters, 28 and 30. They know we have struggled with our marriage so it will not be a huge surprise to them. Should they be told about the cheating??? It was the final straw for me.

Hi,
I am a 30-year old woman and consider myself a “victim” of my mother's cheating from years ago. She cheated on my Dad, denied it, lied about, ignored Dad's pleas and efforts to make things work, and eventually left. She was basically brainwashed by the other man into thinking there was a great life in store for her. That was a lie too. He dumped her in less than a year but my parents just couldn't get back together, it was too late. I was devastated and never really recovered. Sure, I went on with my life but ever since there there have been hundreds if not thousands of reminders of my Mom's betrayal. It kills me to think about it. I've seen countless therapists but it doesn't help. The thoughts just keep coming back, constantly reinforced by some event or holiday where I get to decide which parent participates and which doesn't.
So I wrote the “pledge” below, in a way to work through what I experienced but I'm sharing it now for any kid – maybe age 14 or more – who knows there is bad stuff going on in their home and don't know what to do. I wish I'd had something like this at the time. I'm strongly suggesting you use the pledge to make sure your mom/dad knows the “cost” of going ahead with their affair and thinking about leaving. Maybe if you make the cost seem high enough, your cheating parent will give reconciliation another try.
For you sake, I hope so, because the alternative is truly a horrible life.
Janey J

Christian Children of Broken Homes - Pledge to the Cheating Mom

Mom,
I don't know if you are a “cheating Mom” or not. I don't know if you have had or are having an affair behind Dad's back. This is about how I feel about the real possibility that you are. You tell me that I'm “too young to understand” and I know you avoid answering my questions or telling me much of anything. But I'm not stupid and I can google things myself, which I have, and the way you act toward Dad and the way you talk to me and the way you refuse to try to make it better makes it a real possibility that you are cheating. If so, are you crazy? Don't you know cheating is wrong? Completely, horribly, wrong? It isn't right under any set of circumstances that you might dream up. Has everything you ever taught me about right and wrong another lie? How much are you lying to yourself or believing the lies of some other person?

I'm sure there are a lot of problems that go way back in your marriage, before I was born even. I'm sure that some of those problems are Dad's fault and some are your fault. But what do you do with that? Do you decide that Dad is more at fault than you are so it is justified in some warped way to “get back” at Dad for the imbalance and cheat on him, leave him, make him suffer just because you have suffered? That must be it because the other option – forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation – sure isn't happening. You aren't trying one bit. Cheating, infidelity, adultery, whatever you want to call it, is way worse than any other set of problems. There is no comparison of infidelity to other problems and there is no possible justification for it.

That makes me very sad and very angry to think that you could be doing that right now, to Dad, to me, to our family. If that is true, STOP IT! – right now and find a way to fix your marriage, whatever it takes! You talk so much about how much I mean to you and how much you love me. Well, its time to put your money where your mouth is – try to fix your marriage for no other reason than because I am worth it and continue trying for as long as I am worth trying for. Otherwise, I need you to look me in the eye and say this: “Janey, I'm not going to try again because you aren't worth it, my selfish needs are more important than anything else, and my family just isn't worth keeping together.”

I'm really angry at you Mom. This is my pledge, my promise, to you if it ever turns out that you are cheating on Dad. Adults love to say “Oh, it will be better for the kids in the long run” but that is complete bull crap because that is not what I've heard from people who have been through it. If you are having an affair, you are probably spending a lot of time convincing yourself it is ok. Lying to yourself, basically. Well, even a kid knows it is not. It is a sin. A horrible, devastating sin. If so, STOP lying to yourself and realize what you are doing. Get away from it long enough to get your head clear enough to see what you're doing.

Why am I signing this pledge? Because I can see how much pain you cause Dad and how much tension you bring into my life. Every day I can see it and feel it. I see you not trying to make things better at the same time I hear you blaming Dad for all your problems. I see how hard Dad is trying to improve things and it doesn't make the slightest difference to you. Its obvious that you don't try, not even a little bit, to make things better and try to repair the problems. It seems you actually are working at not trying! You won't even try? For me? Guess what, that makes me very very angry, at you.

This is how I feel about thinking that you have betrayed your marriage vows to Dad and to God. This is how I feel about you inflicting on Dad some of the worst possible pain one human can inflict on another and being self-righteous and unrepentant about it. Mom, if that is the case, it is really disgusting. You have to stop thinking that it is anything else but plain, downright, disgusting.

If you are not doing anything like this, please explain to me why you aren't trying to fix your marriage and explain to me why Dad seems to think that you are having an affair and explain to me all the other suspicious, unanswered things going on.

If you are having an affair and you really, honestly admit it, completely stop it, completely separate yourself from that asshole, repent, seek forgiveness, and start trying to fix it, I will be the first to run into your arms and say “thank you!”

Mom, here is my pledge to you, if it ever turns out that you are cheating on Dad and you separate or divorce:

1) I will refuse to live with you. Ever. I don't care what some court says. I won't do it. If the court forces me, I will run away.
2) I will not participate in anything where “some other person” is present. I don't ever want to see you together with someone else and I never want to see or hear about “someone else.”
3) In the future, when one of the many many conflicts that you have caused comes up, Dad get's first choice, you get second. Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Graduations, Weddings, Babies, all of it. Dad first, you second. Why should Dad be punished, forever, for what you have done?
4) If anyone in our family talks to me about “its all worked out better this way or “its all better in the long run” or some crap like that, I will tell them they are dead wrong and I will tell them everything I know now and everything I might find out in the future. Cheating is sin and sin hates the light and I'm going to shine light on it.

Best choice, Mom, is to make your marriage with Dad work.

Signed

_____________________________________________ On _______________________________

Words cannot express that pledge to your mom has made on me. It is raw and true. I wonder if that is something one day my child who is less than 6 yrs old will write to her other parent who was had an affair and decided to stay with the other person. I am now divorced. I hate that this is my child's personal history. I pray God will guide her now and always as she slowly realizes the truth.

My children were 8, 10, and 14 when my first wife left. It was not a very pleasant divorce and she was incredibly hostile toward and about me. Compounding things for the children - she separated us by distance and chose her affair (and his wife) over me and moved in, with the children, with them.

Many years have passed and she's not with us anymore, the kids are grown, and we've each since had adult conversations about that time in our lives and the very real damages it caused us all. Nobody had to tell them about an affair, they knew all along. They stumbled into it from time-to-time and they put the pieces together themselves. Each "walked in" on it at different times to different degrees. Even at the early ages, they were fully aware of the actions if not the implications and significance. You may think that they're not old enough to understand what's going on, you'd be surprised how they process the information they gather.

She denied it to them all along. They very much resent that to this very day. They see it as more than infidelity toward me but as dishonesty toward them and are most bothered by the latter. Trust became not only questioned - mistrust became their default condition.

When it's obvious, when it's out in the open for everyone to see (even when you think it's not), when they know you are telling lies about it (even when you think they actually believe the lies); don't teach them that lies are ok. Just own the choices made. They may not need to hear any details (except when you should really be explaining what they walked in on) but they don't need to be hearing that you think they're too oblivious to know what they've observed. Even an 8 year old knows that mommy isn't supposed to be "wrestling in the bed naked" with her friends.

I was married for 17 years, to someone I had known since high school. We had grown apart years before, but I felt "stuck", as I had given up my marketing career to be home with the kids and was no longer financially able to support myself. At the end of my marriage, I had a 3 month affair, something I had never done in the past. My husband at the time found out about the affair, and my kids found out as well. They were 11 and 15 at the time. I'm now married to the man I had an affair with. Its been alnost 5 years, and we married this past July. Both kids won't have anything to do with him, and the oldest is alienated from me, as well. He hasn't seen me in 4 years. I took the blame for most of this until recently, but it takes two for a marriage to end. My kids put all the blame on me and my new husband, and absolutely no blame on their father. His anger has also caused the alienation, I'm sure of that. I hope in time my kids will understand that both of us failed our marriage. I've apologized numerous times, but it falls on deaf ears. They live with their dad, his new girlfriend, and her daughter, and it's as if I've been completely erased from their lives. I'm trying to move on with my life, but it's hard. They were my world.

"His anger has caused the resentment". Let's start with your decision's first. Regardless of your ex anger, how would the kids feel about your choices? They are not dumb. They know when their lives are disrupted and they also know who caused the disruption. Being married now does not remedy the issue. Not sure what you are looking for, but since you stepped out they probably will never see things from your perspective. Hopefully within time they will begin to experience life and relationships, and their hearts will soften a bit with the whole ordeal. But I wouldn't recommend that you sit and wait. I see those who has accepted that one of their parents caused the family to break up ...and as adults they will talk to the offending parent but it's clear the relationship and opinion has drastically changed.

First of all, I didn't say "his anger caused the resentment". I said his anger (meaning their dad's anger) caused the alienation. Not all of it, but it definitely played a major role in parental alienation.

And I'm not sitting around. In the past five years, I've started a small business and went back to school at 48 to become a nurse. I have a 3.8 so far, much better than the last time I attended college. I'm not waiting around, I need to be happy and live my life.

Resentment anger same thing...while he may have contributed. ..what was the root cause? Does that make it right? No. But it's so much easier to focus on everyone else and not outselves. And that's great that you are doing well. Everyone deserves happiness, but when kids are involved many of times parents happiness may be delayed in an effort to make sure the kids are in a good place. Will it be a perfect place. No.

Michelle, you don't know me. You have no idea what blame I have placed on myself. Like my husband said, it's as if I'm in a wrestling match, and I'm the only one in the ring. You have no idea that I blame myself. But I'm saying, I'm NOT the only one to blame. It takes two. Affairs happen when a marriage is already in trouble. No one leaves a good marriage. You don't know me, so you don't know that for the first 3 years I wanted to die. You don't know that the same thing happened to my best friend of 30 years, and she DID kill herself, on September 4th of last year. It's really easy to put all the blame on someone from behind a computer screen, when you don't even know me, my ex, or the entire story. Don't judge me by the chapter you walked in on.

I'm a 42 year old female. I just found out my dad had an affair that started when I was about 13, around 30 years ago. The affair lasted a long time. They had a baby girl in 1991. He kept this double life completely secret and it did not finish until he became seriously, but not terminally, ill about 16 years ago. If he hadn't got ill I think it would have continued.

He decided to keep it all a secret and stayed with us, his immediate family - me, my mum and my younger sister. He kept the whole thing hidden.

He had military training on hiding information. But how did we become his enemy, or deserve to be treated like the enemy? Why didn't he come clean when the baby was born, for her as well as us, and ultimately for himself, to have a clear conscience? We are, or at least I thought we were, his family, and he acted like we meant everything to him. We idolised him.

I nursed him in hospital as he nearly died this Christmas in 2015. I cut off my own kids and husband to be able to do this as the hospital was in a different part of the country.

He said so many dark things in his medicated condition, especially at night, that caused me emotional pain that was unbearable, because of our history. A strong and deep bond (first born, daughter/father bond), or so I thought, but it didn’t make sense, what he was saying, I just knew it was very bad indeed, and there was some reason behind the madness of his language.

One example is he told me a very long story that went in all different directions but ended with him throwing an innocent woman and her young child off a boat. I thought it was because of the Marines, but it didn’t make sense, I knew it was a metaphor for something else.

Although it didn't make sense then, it caused me such deep pain that I couldn’t explain to anyone or talk about it, but it’s starting to make sense now.

The experience in the hospital made me completely ill, and no other family members could help at the time, so I took on the whole burden. The trauma made me physically ill with severe psoriasis, and I have nasty side effects from the immuno suppressants I have been prescribed as it is the only available drug to control it, there is no cure.

Mentally I have suffered emotional numbness and severe detachment and disconnection due the pain I felt but couldn’t understand, and was signed off work at the end of June 2016 (this was before I found out about the affair). I have been in counselling ever since.

The truth come out as the child from the affair hired a detective to find my Dad, and once she had the address, she wrote him a letter.

As my Dad is so physically ill, and is prone to bouts of severe depression, my mum does most of the day to day essentials, such as opening letters, answering the phone, cooking and helping him get clean. They hardly ever go out together. She does but he is a recluse. They are both 70 years old now.

My mum swears she had no idea in the 46 years they've been married that this loyal, honourable, marine of a man, would ever have an affair, she thought he was happy.

He has always pushed us all very hard on the high ethical stance of keeping the family unit together (guilt???). So all of a sudden, the lie is revealed in the most shocking way through this letter.

Within 48 hrs of telling me and my younger sister, Dad had prioritised and arranged to meet his other daughter and we all had no choice in the matter. That was 3 weeks ago.

I live away from the area and already being ill from nursing him at Christmas, my sister went to help my Dad with the meeting, and met our half sister. My mum is heartbroken so it had to take place outside of their home. There has been so little time to process this.

My sister was 8 weeks clean from a long term drug habit. Very long story behind it but it was the longest she had been clean in years. As you can guess, she is no longer clean. I'm so sad and angry about that. Her best shot was ruined. I hope she can recover again but seriously doubt it.

So during the meeting, my new half sister ended up talking to my real sister away from Dad, as he does not have that much capacity to talk.

My sister and I now know he regularly saw her, usually monthly, but sometimes it could be up to 3 months, for the first 10 years or so of her life. . We always thought he was away working. Then from their point of view (my half sister and her Mum), he just disappeared

When he visited them, if he slept he stayed in bed with the Mum, all acting like happy families. All my half sister’s memories of him are good, except when he disappeared.

I know when he disappeared from their life is when he got seriously ill, but from her and her Mum’s point of view, they didn’t know. And the illness years have not been fun for us, his immediate family, at all. He should have just come clean when his other daughter was born.

By all accounts, the Mum says he was the love of her life but knew he had a family he wouldn't leave, and still decided to have the baby.

All my dad is saying is they had an affair, for a year, then they agreed to call it off. I don't think he even knows or cares what we know, as long as he doesn't have to admit anything. He is still hiding from the truth. My poor Mum.

He says he saw the woman a couple of years later with the baby at a work party, that we were all at!!!, and she told him the baby was his, or he asked, I’m still unsure. That is all my mum seems to currently know. And it’s still a lie. Such a messed up situation.

Me and my sister know it carried on long after that, from the conversations my sister had with our ‘new’ half sister. I have kept my distance but still have to find out more to this story, God help me. I know there is more to come.
It hurts so much but my dad thinks we should all be fine due to our age. He is so wrong, now I have my own family and 2 kids, I think it’s much more unforgiveable now than I would have at age 16, when my half sister was born.

My Mum came to stay at my house for most of last week, 2 weeks after I found out. I had to stay strong for her but now I am in pieces. And angry.

She has gone home thinking she will stay with Dad as he is so ill, she is 70, and has too much to lose. But Dad is being horrible in terms of telling us we just have to accept it, and he is not prepared to go into details as it was so long ago, and he is using his illness to hide behind. I took my Mum to a counselling session to help guide her on the best way forward for her, I hope it helped or will help. I told her she could always have a roof over her head at our house if it gets too hard for them to live together.

How messed up is this situation? Any thoughts and guidance to help me get my family through this is very much appreciated. I was just starting to manage the pain from the hospital, now I feel even worse than before.

Hi, have very recently experienced a similar situation. my 80 year old dad told me he had an affair 30 years ago. Such a massive shock!, was brought up fairly happily, never had a hint about any of this. He said he won't discuss details as it was such a long time ago and mum n dad have stayed together. But and I mean but I am so so hurt , he is adimant that he's not going to share any details other than it went on for a few years. They are old and are not coping well with my reaction but it's like someone has swapped my parents it's so surreal. They just want to accept it and put it away but it's just so massive and I feel completely different about my dad now, more so as I'm an adult and feel I need an explanation to be able to understand?

Hi, thanks for sharing, it sounds like we are in the same place. My mum no longer wants to acknowledge what has happened and Dad won't go into the past, but wants us to accept our half sister more than anything. Ironic he never gave us the chance before. I have agreed to meet in December but do feel manipulated. I cannot talk to either of my parents about the affair as they are point blank refusing. I feel like I have lost my identity and the safety net of my parents, especially my father. I feel so betrayed but he is acting as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Weird is an understatement.