"And if I pave my streets with good times, will the mountain keep on giving?"

11/2/09

Believe

OK, the last thing I should be doing is writing on this blog right now...I'm supposed to be helping Mr. Lucken with some work, or tending to the carpet of leaves on our lawn, or playing with the 4 year old...

BUT, if I don't take the time, will I ever get it back again?

So, let me take a minute to retell a bit of my conversation with the Naturopath...who wanted to know exactly what kind of depression I feel, or what kind of panic falls over me, because apparently homeopathy can get very specific.

I started to explain to her that I don't really have the same sort of depression or panic that I once had - that I have developed some very strong tools to deal with any sort of emotional tumult that might come up - but the explanation basically led to a 2 hour conversation about my life in general, and all of the different types of depression or panic or whatever I have felt, at different times.

I feel pretty strongly that right now I have been in pretty much a very normal state of grief...it's not the depression knocking on my door, I don't really have a whole ton of panic or anxiety...it's just that there has been a certain amount of emotion filling up my everyday life (the grief), so sometimes I get closer to depression or anxiety because I'm closer to the threshold where all of those things happen these days. I told the Naturopath that, which led to a discussion of my Dad, emotions surrounding his death, etc.

I mentioned that during my darker moments, I have had trouble believing some of the ideas I have held onto so tightly since my Mom died - that we are still connected to our loved ones, even after death, and that we can sometimes feel protection from them when we need it. Watching my Dad die, watching his body fall apart and watching what made him himself leave with absolutely no fanfare made me question all of my feelings about the spirits of the people you love after they physically leave you. It was all so crazy, so painful for him, and at the end, he was just gone - left the empty shell and there was nothing, just silence. My sister and I had each been holding a hand and feeling a pulse, until there were no more beats left. And that was that.

I knew the whole time and still know that I shouldn't have expected some bells and whistles...and there were very many beautiful moments surrounding his death which I will be so happy to share and remember for the rest of my life. The moment of his death, though, and also the lack of emotion from my Dad leading up to his death (maybe there was some anger, but it was hard to see if there was much else) - made me feel this huge emptiness set in.

So with the emptiness, and the feeling that his spirit had left, and also the pervasive feeling over the past 22 years or so that he was living his life and I was living mine, without a whole ton of emotional sharing going on between them (for whatever sad reason that happened), I began to have this (irrational?) fear that IF my mother has been the one to give me signs of her love and caring over the years, or IF it is God, or an angel or something...then maybe now that my father is joining them, the distance between myself and him will plant itself between myself and them (my mom, or God, or the angel). As if he could give me a bad recommendation in heaven.

I shared this with the Naturopath, and (maybe not knowing how far on the crazy spectrum I am with regard to angels and spirits...) she said, "You do know we aren't alone in here, right?" I said, "Well, I hope we aren't..." And then she said, "And you know, you didn't come in here with just one person...you have an army surrounding you!"

And I was like, WHAT? Just kidding. I only wanted to write that sentence. However, I that idea WAS a comforting one...like my posse had not left me, after all! The posse that helped me find keys that were lost in Metroparks, befriended me in times of sadness during the college days, and helped me find my breast cancer - still here! That would be such good news to Mrs. Lucken.

I don't require much in terms of uppers, I guess, because just a little affirmation had me feeling much better than I had felt in a long time. (Well, that on the waves of some kindnesses from friends.) I wouldn't say I was entirely back to where I started with my invisible friends, and all...

until about a day or two ago, when I received (what I would call) another little message from my invisible friends!

How else would you describe this: Cleaning my house (as usual), I glance at my old calculator, sitting on the kitchen counter. I've had the poor thing since at least high school, which is stretching farther and farther back in my memory. The poor little guy is irretrievably broken, I feel - I had it in the kitchen window trying to see if the solar panel wanted to give it one more go. It didn't; it had been at least 2 weeks of nothing.

In my cleaning mode, I was ready to say goodbye to the old thing, but as I reached toward it, I saw something on the screen. I quickly pushed the C (clear) button), trying to see if it really was working...and after my mind registered what I had seen on the screen, I really wish I hadn't cleared it so quickly:

BELIEVE

*and I didn't take a picture or anything...as I said, I cleared it immediately before the characters registered in my brain. They only registered after I cleared the calculator. But I did look to see if it was possible to see such letters on the computer, and apparently, all the letters are available (as upside down numbers) except for V. Close enough for me!

Here's me

With my littlest...July 25, 2009

About Pam

I'm a 36-year old wife, sister and mother of 3. I started this blog after I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma on 2/18/08...Breast Cancer. It helped me immensely as I went through a year of diagnosis, surgeries, chemotherapy, and recovery.

It was a great place for me to connect with people and share my story. I hope you enjoy it.

Don't want to read the whole blog, but want to know the story? Read these.