(Closed) In which all my engagement and wedding dreams go right out the window… (Long)

(Disclaimer: I did not proofread this or edit my thoughts at all, so bear with me if I sound like a loon. I am exhausted and upset, and just need to let it all out.)

SO dropped a bomb tonight. He said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I’d rather put a security deposit down on a new apartment than get you a ring.”

Basically, we live in a mouse/centipede-infested shit hole with a possibly dangerous electrical wiring system. I know it is the responsible thing to do to move but I am just so worried about money now, let alone the fact that I’m totally devastated that now I won’t get to share with my long-distance family that I’m engaged when I see them next month.

SO wants us to move into a ridiculously expensive apartment, because he can afford that now. But he just won’t think about the fact that we need to have money left over each month for savings, both for the wedding and for general/retirement/rainy day funds. We’ve agreed that a $5000 wedding is what we want, but with this expensive apartment he wants us to move to he might not be able to save up that much in a year (we want to get married next summer).

Oh yeah, and I’m unemployed (or will be, starting in three weeks). My internship is letting me go and I am not currently job hunting because I realized through my internship that I’m unhappy in my current career path. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I’m about to become unemployed, and the prospect of having that one constant in my life — that SO and I would be engaged/married — was all that was keeping me sane.

I know it’s the marriage that matters. I know we could go to city hall and call it a day. But to me, that wedding is important too. I want to celebrate with our families. I want to share that day with them. I want to see SO’s face as I walk down the aisle. I want to say those vows in front of our community. I want to dance with my grandma at my wedding, and be able to give her the gift of dancing with me at my wedding, something I know would mean a lot to her. I want to have a happy day of celebration to start our lives to look back on 5, 10, 20, 50 years from now.

In one sentence SO crushed my hopes for all that. I feel like I have to give up all my wedding dreams, however small they may have been, because with his stupid expensive apartment we are never going to be able to save enough money up, and he’s never going to have enough to buy a ring (and I asked already if we could get a cheaper ring, if I could wear my mom’s ring [which I do have and does fit my ring finger], or if we could just be engaged without a ring for now, all of which he said no to).

I know we need to move. Our apartment sucks, it’s too small, there’s pests everywhere, there’s no room for ANY of our stuff, our landlord is a sleazball, the house we’re in is possibly dangerous…but SO just won’t comprehend the fact that we don’t need to move to The Most Expensive Apartment he can afford just because he can now.

Not to mention that our student loan payments start back up in November and December, and that’s going to be an extra $500/mo between the two of us that we’ll have to pay each month. Bye bye wedding fund!!

I feel like I want to puke. I was soooooo close finally to being engaged and getting to share that excitement with our community and loved ones and getting to finally have my “turn” as a bride-to-be, but now…I feel like I’m back at square one. And it’s all because of my most loathed enemy: money.

aww i’m sorry *hugs* does he know about the loans? it could have slipped his mind, I would suggest that when you calm down sit down with him and have a serious talk about your money concerns he might not be thinking about all of those things has he said why he wants to move to that apartment?

I don’t even know what to say except I totally understand letting go of dreams. I had to let go of a ton this last year. It can be very painful. Take a deep breath and think about what you are going to do.

It sounds like you need to move AND your SO needs to be a little more realistic about your new apartment. You can’t make him prioritize your ring, so my only advice would be to tell him flat out that this expensive apartment isn’t realistic.

Other than that. I’m not sure. I’m so sorry everything just shattered on you. Get your super glue and get started.

Girl, when I read your post, my stomach dropped! I’m still in shock because I follow you and am rooting for you (haha, creeepyyyyyy). I think you really need to slap him with the finances, he’s being totally stupid! My SO got stuck with a ridiculously expensive townhouse with neglectful roommates and him having to pay almost $1k/month in rent and utilities has really hit him hard, especially since he was unemployed for half of it. Ugh, just the living in an expensive apartment freaks me out enough I couldn’t imagine if that meant giving up an engagement in the near future! Honestly, I’m such a thrifty person and luckily my SO is too, but if he wasn’t, I would’ve left a long time ago. One thing I cannot handle is dumb financial decisions. I’m NOT saying you should leave, I’m just saying it’s not something I can handle.

Oh man, you have to keep us updated. I hope he can see that getting just a “better” place instead of the “best” place is ok.

Ah! Sorry things came crashing down. Look at it this way: He wants to give you a better place to live. When my bf started really thinking realistically about marriage, he knew that he first wanted us to have a better place. I think it’s a good sign, really. It will just delay things a bit, and I know how frustrating and upsetting that is. I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost right now. It will pass, I promise!

That’s the thing though is that he usually IS thrifty! I was just as surprised as you are when he said it… My first thought was, “Well, why does it have to be one or the other? Not like either is going to be THAT expensive…” Then we went on Craigslist and he had me put the *minimum* rent as $800.

And the reason I haven’t been job hunting is because the plan has been for SO to be the breadwinner while I get my feet on the ground doing freelance work. We agreed that this apt worked for us because it is so cheap that we can easily make it on his salary alone and STILL have plenty to pay student loans AND save for the wedding we want. I guess not anymore.

I agree a serious budget talk needs to be had. He had to go to bee because he gets up for work at 4AM so the talk is on hold till tomorrow evening.

hmmm I couldn’t tell if you and he talked about budget for an apartment before deciding on one.

My bf is also moving to a new apartment which costs ridiculously and to me it’s insane. We don’t live together and I rent my own apartment but in terms of our future together, I think we agree that we should BOTH really save and stuff. So when he was trying to decide on one I asked him NUMEROUS times if he could still easily save the same amount that he has been. He says yes no problem and also the fact that he got promoted and a raise so I didn’t object his idea…

If you want advice, I think that you need to start job hunting. I know, the ecenomy sucks, but that is all the more reason why – it might take awhile to find something, so you need to start looking now. Even if you’re not happy with it (which honestly, a lot of us aren’t happy with or can’t find a job in our career of choice), money is money. If you’re working you’re going to be able to contribute more towards expenses, and then you two can save more towards the ring/wedding. I think it would help you feel a bit more in control of the situation. Save the freelance work for after the wedding.

And for the record, I think that he is doing the right thing, considering what you said about the condition of your current apartment.

I agree with everything the last poster said. You want to save up money? Look for a job. Don’t wanna work a job that doesn’t fulfill your career desires? We’ve ALL had to do that. The rent has to get paid. If the only thing keeping you sane has been the thought of a ring, then you have way too much time on your hands. It sounds like you have much bigger problems right now than planning a wedding. And as for your man not wanting to propose any other way? That’s HIS right. I commend you for looking at other options-really. A lot of girls wouldn’t. But what it’s looking like to me is that his first priority is moving you out of a rathole.

He sounds smart and responsible. Your job now is to put forth the same effort. Sitting around wallowing in misery will get you nowhere, and it’s unattractive. I know I’m coming off harsh, but your post read like you really need some tough love.

Sorry, advance warning this is a side rant: Ok, so everyone that’s suggesting that you look for a job is correct, however, speaking as someone who has been looking for a job for over a year – it’s tough. You can’t just assume “look for” will = “get one” which is what it seems most posters are doing. Fortunately, I have savings, my part-time (different career) job and unemployment, so it won’t hold me back from getting married, which I agree would make me freakout.

Ok rant over. Safety always first OP. So moving out of this apartment seems to be a high priority to me. But I agree, you need to sit down for a budgeting session. Remind him if he presses himself too much with an expensive apartment that means he won’t have money for other things – retirement to dinners out. A cushion is important. I’m sure the expensive place is a knee jerk reaction to having lived in such a bad one previously, so you need to show him the inbetween is nice and possible. Do your homework and try to come up with some nice suggestions for apartments. Go check them out yourself. My last place, I looked at 25 before settling on one – and my diligence paid off, it was probably worth at least $200 more than I was paying in rent.

Money does freaking suck when it comes to waiting for that proposal. And it is not even just about having the most expensive ring, it’s about everything that comes along with it. FI and I are both paying back student loans, have car payments, and other misc. bills. We were both living with our parents (respectively) until recently. All of our friends were married/engaged, and we had been together longer than any of them. We knew we wanted to be married, but money was not something we had an abundance of.

My BF (at the time) really wanted to buy a house, and he wanted to know that he would have that house before we got engaged. He wanted it all to happen around the same time (I guess he didn’t think about what a financial burden that would be). All I heard out of that was that a house was more important to him than I was. It really depressed me and it sucked. The closer we got to the house, the farther I felt our engagement was, even though we had already been looking at rings. I felt I was just being taunted.

Make sure you talk to him and let him know how you feel. If you feel that the apt. is becoming more imporant to him, tell him. Also make sure he is saving for multiple things at once (something that my FI wasn’t always doing). Try to get a timeline or something out of him to know that it will happen in the near future. I know it sucks majorly right now, but if he can get his act together and propose soon after you move (even if it is not the biggest rock in the world), you will feel really good being engaged and not having to live amongst the mice.

I agree with acingthelace. When you talk to him later you may want to let him know if you think that the apartment is becoming more important to him than you. I would also question why the drastic change – you just looked at rings and set a tentative wedding date for next June, right? (Hope that’s not creepy lol, I looked at your recent posts when I saw this one today so I could get some history!). Is it possible that his desire for the most expensive apartment is partly due to a very normal case of cold feet? Is there some part of him that is a little intimidated by moving forward? I don’t know him at all obviously, I’m just curious. It seems rather inconsiderate to take your girlfriend ring shopping and then merely days later to say “oh nevermind”. I hope it all works out and that you’re next conversation is very constructive. I’m sorry you’re feeling blue 🙁

I know that part of what kept my now DH from proposing for 7 years is the fact that he was scared to death that once he got married, he wouldn’t be able to spend money on the things he loves because I would either 1) spend all of our money on clothes or shoes or 2) try to regulate everything he bought. It wasn’t because of anything I did, it was from years of watching his parents, and aunts and uncles relationship where the wives didn’t work but spent all of their joint money and their husbands had to give up hobbies, electronics and cars, even though they worked so hard to provide for their families and afford those types of luxuries.

I fear that you are putting yourself in similar situation with your BF. You’re expecting him to support both of you, and you are trying to make him give up on something that he really wants and works hard for (in this case, a nice apartment) for something that is probably really only important to you (a ring an a wedding).

It took me many years to show my DH that I work very hard to support myself and I would never expect him to give up anything he loves to be with me. He is now comfortable with the fact that we can be married and he can still buy golf clubs, drive a nice car, buy expensive watches…etc, because we contribute equally to the household and the extra money he earns goes towards those luxuries. If i would have tried to tell him “you can’t golf because you have to put $500/month aside for my ring and our wedding”, I would have been out on my ass and lost the greatest guy in the world….