1. Stop doing the thing where you attack yourself at the groin and hope that a G4 camera crew shows up in time to film it.

2. Once a day, take a moment out of your busy schedule to treat yourself to one strong cup of coffee, one slice of apple pie, two glasses of red wine, one medium shrimp and beef pizza with extra cheese, three mind erasers, and one tube of chocolate chip cookie dough.

3. Whenever you start to feel down about your life, just remember that each day is a gift. Then imagine a hilarious manatee blowing bubbles from a tiny tobacco pipe.

4. Cocaine.

5. Start every morning with a rigorous set of kegels and/or cock pushups in front of the mirror while listening to Rammstein at full volume and shouting “No limits!”