Why don't you write the entire dialogue in Japanese -_- seriously, i think it's a cute story but the way the characters speak makes them sound like otakus... it's ok to insert some Japanese expression, i guess, like "oro" "koishii" "busu" but I thought replacing "but" with "demo" is going too far. IMHO

very...um...what the word I'm looking for...intense will have to do. I really liked how you worked in Battousai in small parts. the visual part of your writing wasn't lost on my mind...okay that didn't make any sense, but oh well.