Q&A for Teens: I Want to be ME

How can I always be true to who I am no matter who is around me?

Is there a way to always be true to who I am no matter who is around me and no matter what the circumstances? Since I was really young I seem to morph into whatever anyone around me expects me to be. It's getting tiring, especially since people think I'm always fun, that I don't take anything seriously, that I hate religion, that I don't think about God, and that I'm a spoiled brat.

I don't have real friends, only classmates I hang out with, because I never feel safe to really be myself or to show who I really am. I want so much to be myself, but I'm afraid to be, and I shift into whatever it is the person near me thinks I am, without even making a conscious decision to do this. I think this behavior comes from being a shy child and being told just who I was and what I was thinking by my older family members and teachers and then my classmates, and I was too timid to explain myself or answer back, and instead I've been accidentally performing for years. I need a break from this. I prefer to be myself. Thank you.

Lauren Roth's Answer

There was a beautiful tree in Princeton. Every fall, all the leaves on the tree turned a brilliant yellow, such that its long, gnarled, multitudinous branches created a gargantuan canopy of sunlight-yellow, roofing the walkways around it in every direction. I loved that tree and absolutely delighted in its shining brightness every year.

When we moved to Lakewood 12 years ago, I was really excited that we were an hour’s drive from my amazing tree. Each fall, in October and then again in November, I piled all my kids into our minivan and we drove out to Princeton, waiting for the glorious, expansive yellow canopy to appear. Each year, I was disappointed, and told my kids and myself, “Hmm. We must have come too early in the season—I don’t see the canopy yet.” Or, “Hmm. We must have come too late—I don’t see the canopy.” After about 10 years of searching, I realized: we weren’t late. We weren’t early. The tree had been removed.

At first, I was really sad about the loss of my glorious tree. For a couple of autumns, I would wistfully think of the view from under it: the lovely yellow leaves, with the sunlight streaming through the spaces between them, and the blue sky above it. Then, all of a sudden, this year, I realized something. In the 12 years that I’ve been chasing my memory of that tree in Princeton, the trees around me here, where I live now, in Lakewood, have been steadily growing. Knowing that there is no yellow tree in Princeton to run to, this year I’ve been reveling in the gloriousness of the arboreal splendor in my own backyard, and, for the first time, bringing all my artistic appreciation skills to bear on the blazing oranges and fiery reds right down the street from where my life is now.

How does my tree story apply to your question? Because it’s the same process: I committed to finding the beauty in my own backyard instead of running to other places to find it. So too, in order to be yourself, the first thing you need to do is to commit to yourself. Decide: “I want to be ME, not other people’s perception of me. I want to be ME, not other people’s thought-projections of me. I’m no longer a shy, insecure child, and I am ready to be my true self.” And make that commitment a strong, unshakable one.

Ah, but then the wonderful question: who is your true self? To find out, pay close attention to who you are. Study yourself like you would study a subject for a report. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What are your opinions on different topics? You can record the information in your head, or get a diary and actually write a report on yourself.

The best way to notice yourself and your likes, dislikes, opinions, taste preferences, thoughts, etc.—the best way to learn yourself—is through mindfulness. Mindfulness is the lovely art of paying attention. We have a great system in Judaism for inculcating mindfulness: praying every day. When we pray three times a day, we are supposed to be practicing mindfulness. We are supposed to stop being so busy and stop running here and there, and just THINK. That mindfulness of praying without getting distracted is the mindfulness that you could apply to the question, “Who am I, really?” and learn more about what makes you you.

Praying is one example of mindfulness; let me give you another, to help you on your way to practicing it. When I prepare my coffee in the morning, I really pay attention to—and enjoy—the preparations. I notice the sunlight coming in through the window. I enjoy the smell of the coffee grains, the sound of the water pouring into my glass jar (yes, I drink my morning coffee in a glass jar! Macrobiotics would understand!!), and then, when I drink the coffee, I take my time with it, noticing and savoring every sip. Mindfulness can help you learn about yourself, and it can also be very soothing during your learning process.

Of course, even if you’ve committed to being yourself, you’re also absolutely allowed to notice aspects of others’ personalities, and then decide whether or not you want to adopt those traits into your own persona. Let me share with you two examples from my own life.

You wrote that you were a shy child. I was one, too. But then I went to sleepaway camp. One evening, at the campfire, I saw girls laughing and talking and socializing, and I really wanted to join them. But a voice inside my head said, Oh, no, Lauren, you cannot just go over there and laugh with them—you are shy. At that moment, I decided, Hey! Maybe I don’t want to be shy anymore! I watched the girls, studied how they acted, then got up, walked over to them, and did the kinds of things they did. Things like: saying “Hi!!” brightly, or laughing at someone’s joke, or standing within their circle. I kept waiting for one of them to say, “Um, Lauren, you can’t do that—you are shy!” But of course no one did. So I kept on watching and learning and incorporating into myself the behaviors that I saw and liked. And within one day, I was no longer a shy kid!

My second example is more recent. This past Shabbos was my daughter’s bas mitzvah, and my whole family, from Tennessee and Texas and Baltimore and Montreal and Florida came to our home. My children and I were clearing the table after lunch on Saturday, and I accidentally dropped a dirty spoon right onto my Uncle Paul, dressed in his nicest suit. He didn’t even flinch. He had been sitting with his hands in his pockets, enjoying talking with his wife and his sister, and after he noticed the dirty spoon and its dirty pathway down his nice suit, he continued talking with his wife and his sister, and he didn’t even take his hands out of his pockets. He didn’t grumble, he didn’t grunt with annoyance, he didn’t make me feel stupid or clumsy—he just exhibited sterling character. I immediately decided that I wanted to incorporate that Uncle Paul response into my persona.

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About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
Anonymous,
November 16, 2012 3:56 PM

If I am not for myself who will be for me?

But, if I am only for myself, who am I? And, if not now, when? I would meditate on Hillel's words as they pertain to your question. I think your question is for all ages. All of us face it and sometimes on a daily basis. We are potential to be realized. We are open ended and that is perhaps another way of saying we have freedom. We believe that we have an edge because of what we have been entrusted with. You see, by following the path of Torah you are really strengthening those will power muscles. We have thousands of years of history to say that it is a path of joy. The world keeps changing and telling us different things, but the world's values end up in misery. Our values call for joy. Do consider a religion that asks that its people be joyous before they come before the Ancient of Days.
Youth can be a time of confusion, but one way to get alleviate that confusion is by making decisions. I can assure you that once you make a decision and take action, lot of confusion will disappear. Love yourself! You really are worthy. You are good and beautiful. Go before a mirror and see how beautiful you are. If you cannot do that then you have part of your answer. You see, G-d does not make junk. So, if you do not see yourself as gorgeous it is not G-d or your parents or your relatives who think that way. It is something else. Think right and that means thinking that you are indeed lovable and beautiful. Know that deep within. Know it physically. Know that you are loved. I can assure you that Hashem loves you. I can assure you that your parents love you. There are so many witnesses, past and present, waiting to see the glory that is you, one unique you. Shine daily!

(3)
Anonymous,
November 14, 2012 4:17 AM

Amazing!

I also always felt the way this girl felt. Now, thanks to you, Lauren, I know how to deal with it. It also shows that I'm not the only one with this problem. Thank you so much, all of your answers are always amazing!

(2)
Arvind Kumar,
November 14, 2012 3:07 AM

Great job Lauren

Lauren you are dxoing a great job helping teens grow up with a fine character

(1)
Denise Rootenberg,
November 13, 2012 10:51 PM

Even though I'm a teen times three

I got a lot from this column. Yes, even at this age I struggle to be authentic.
I loved the part linking mindfulness and praying as I'm currently doing a mindfulness course and one of the places I want to apply it is when I'm praying. I've started with really trying to listen to kiddush at Shabbat even though I've heard the words a zillion times.

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I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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