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Archive for January, 2013

When I asked my husband today why he doesn’t do “IT” more often, he simply shrugged his shoulders, got up from the kitchen table and took the garbage out. What am I doing or saying wrong?

— IT Girl, Waukegan, WI

Dear IT Girl,

You and your husband are hampered by a limited venereal vocabulary. It’s time you finally got with IT , to say nothing of also getting over IT — if you know what I mean. There are thousands of words for IT which better convey what you mean and what you are looking for. Start by purchasing several copies of our good book. Study IT religiously. Apply its principles, and I can guarantee that you will never have trouble with IT again.

Congratulations my lad, on the new addition to your family!
Say hello to your new penis. You say you already have a penis. Agreed, but it’s nothing like this one. This is the new and improved model, with features you have never experienced before. This is penis 12.0, or as some like to call it, “Your penis on steroids.” And this, my dear boy, is your User’s Manual.

Basic Operating Principles:

Your Penis has a mind of its own.

It does not know right from wrong.

The Plague of the Young Penis

Most penises this age suffer from Inattention Anxiety Disorder (IAD). This can cause him to act out in public, engaging in uppity and unruly behavior. This is no trifling matter. An aggressive young penis can ruin your relationships with others. The answer to IAD is a happy, well-adjusted penis, which is where you come in. It is your job to insure that he is happy, well balanced, and worn out.

Housebreaking your penis is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes time, patience, and perseverance. It’s not something that happens overnight. Remember, your penis doesn’t have much self-control, penises vary in volatility. No matter how diligent you are, accidents will happen.

Create a setting for your penis in which he feels safe and comfortable and in which you can properly supervise him. His regular habitat should be a proper nestling place, such as warm briefs or boxer shorts, unsoiled and in which he can feel relaxed and uninhibited, hang about and just be himself.

Provide him with ample opportunity for play. How would you feel confined in a constricted dark space for most of your waking hours, shut off from fresh, cool air and the light of day? Be sure and give him plenty of exercise. A run in the park with other penises is a good start in helping to keep him happy and stimulated.

Designate a specific spot and a time for one-on-one penis play. This spot should be private and free of distractions. He most appreciates your full and undivided attention during this special time between you two. Make sure to provide your penis with some appealing playthings and stimulating activities to help hold his interest. Joint visualization can do wonders for your relationship and enhance the bonding process.

Be fully prepared for these private tete a tetes. Must-have items include several boxes of kleenex, extra pairs of socks, a fresh bed sheet, screen-clean a soft cloth for your monitor, a glove for your mouse, and plastic sheeting for your keyboard. He does have a tendency to get a bit rambunctious and out of hand during these times. It is important that you contain his exuberance; hence the supplies

Early interactive socialization of your penis with people is important. He is new to people and their prompts. Learn to give him a “hurry up” command, especially when you hear a knock on the door and the query, “What are you doing in there?” Eventually, your penis will become conditioned to retreat when hearing this phrase.

What to do if he has an accident? Talk firmly but gently with him. He feels as bad about it as you do. He doesn’t handle guilt very well. Show some understanding. It’s your responsibility for not having properly supervised him.

Practice Behavior modification. When your penis behaves properly and acts in a restrained and orderly fashion, reward him with a gentle pat or two and a “Good penis!” said as if you truly mean it. Praise him warmly and enthusiastically. Conversely, scold him in a firm but non-retributive manner when he slips up, “Bad Penis!” It may take an occasional whack across the snout to get his full attention, but he’ll soon get the message.

The general rule of penisdom is patience at all times.. He simply doesn’t know any better. Your job is to help show him the way, to introduce him to the ways of the world and whatever else he needs to become happy, well balanced, and social. You are the boss of him, and not the other way around.

In this touching animation by filmmaker Celia Bullwinkel, a woman walks a lifetime along a neighborhood sidewalk. She ages a little bit in each scene: first a young girl, then a new mother, and finally, an old woman.

Republicans like to say that “government” is a dirty word. Closer examination, however, reveals that it’s just not the word, but the whole freaking enterprise that’s obscene.

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in our capitol Washington, D.C. that we lay our scene), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty lamps that struggled against the darkness.

It was on that night that legislators surreptitiously crept through the back doors of the Capitol, far from the public eye to engage in  what else?  an orgy of government spending.

In ill-lit corners of the hallowed chamber, legal suits came undone and beltway manners, loosened as members shed their reservations, openly exposed themselves for who they truly were. Acts of naked aggression were commonplace. People of both parties were jumping all over one another. It was not a pretty sight.

For Democrats, the situation was all too inviting  treasury teats, firm, inviting, perky, pebbled, and plentiful, revealed themselves, all ripe for the taking. And take to them they did, passionately sucking on the pulsating orbs of Mother Liberty, whilst encouraging their mooching minions to join in. Tea Party Republicans protested, “Unhand them, Sir!”

A lone Democrat from the Longhorn State stood firm. Slowly but ever-so-methodically he began making his case, only to find the entrance to the silken love-cave, which held the treasured cache, blocked. He would not take no for an answer. Republicans voted “no, no,” but there was yes, yes in their eyes  those languid pools of deep blue splendor in which lovers find hints of encouragement. Our fair warrior pressed our fair nation on, stimulating her economy in slow but firm strokes.

A Republican maiden interjected, protesting his advance, invoking instead the guiding hand of the invisible marketplace. Indignantly, she grabbed his entitlement, flinging it furiously it to the floor. What do you take me for,” she cried out with indignation. “What kind of a girl do you think I am? “

“That is how ordinary people make ends meet,” the Democrat countered, “And you, my dear, are not above it.”

Elsewhere a throbbing (as well as pulsating and quivering) Republican member pressed his case against the nubile young Democrat. “No cover-ups here,” he screamed, ripping her dainty bodice from her trembling body. His hands moved downward, running through her briefs, in a blind search for the nub of the matter.

“Stop right there, you…you… dishonorable member!” she cried out.

“Assume the position,” he demanded, not missing a beat.

“Never,” said she. Their eyes locked. Slowly he advanced on his trembling prey. His lips pursed in anticipation as drops of warm moisture coalesced in the corners of his mouth.
Her torn outer garment at her feet, she stood before him, as her maker had created her. His eyes darted downward, finally alighting upon her surplus. The view was riveting. The gap between empty promises and limited finances stared out  moist and warm, yawning and inviting—beckoning him onward. “‘Tis a void crying to be filled,” he shrieked, “And I am the man to fill it… I will. I will. I can. I can.”

“Abort this mission, now!”” she screamed, her eyes locked on his heat seeking missile, preparing to launch. You are in direct violation of the penal code. Have you no sense of decency, sir?”

Alas, there was no stopping him. Intoxicated by a firm mandate from the previous election, he hammered his point home.

Politics indeed makes for strange bedfellows. In the farthest recesses of the chamber, a tiny minority were busily engaged in a caucus  surreptitiously engaging in unnatural acts which could only be described as “compromising,” reaching across the aisle, taking positions unknown to polite society.

“I’ve never done it this way before,” protested one reluctant participant, his voice trembling with fear and anticipation. “It’s a bipartisan position with which I am not at all comfortable.”

“One has to be flexible in such matters,” his counterpart argued. “There are times when you have to put country ahead of politics, moments when you have to bend over backward to accomplish something.”

“This is simply too weird,” protested another. “The state of the union is a state of traditional values and uni-sexuality  not behavior becoming of animals. And when push turns to shove, we must stand up for those beliefs.”

Amidst it all, there suddenly arose a tsunami of delight, a tidal wave of conciliation, which suddenly swept over all  followed by a giant cosmic sneeze. Seismic tremors shook the capitol to its very foundation; pyrotechnics exploded in midair, painting the evening sky with arrays of streaming, streaking color. Taste buds cracked and popped, filling the air with the fresh scent of French toast and chocolate. It was the moment of reconciliation: the Second Coming.

As fast as it had happened, it was over. Cigarettes lit up the chamber like fireflies at dusk, celebrating their coming out, and slowly, ever so slowly, the evening wound down  a pall of silence fell over the chamber, punctuated only by hushed whimpers and sighs.

The Speaker strode to the podium. It was time to formally bring the session to a close. ‘Twas a solemn moment, calling for great oratory. “This is a time when each of us should reflect upon his God-sworn duty, why we have been called to these hallowed halls. Look deep inside yourselves, not elsewhere, for the answer. Ask not what you can do to your secretaries and your interns, but what you can do to the country.”

A chorus of silent acquiescence nodded in assent. The gavel came down; its dull thud echoing through the chamber.

“This orgy is hereby adjourned.” He declared.

And thus conclude the sexual congress.

Back to the streets, poorly lit by the scanty street lights, its members repaired, once more struggling against the elements  the violent gusts of wind, the rain pelting in their face.

And that’s the way it is.

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