Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Dear upstairs neighboor, I tried to tell myself that I didn't want any conflict over your constant loud music playing. But, this has gone too far!! Since I have entered recovery I try not to be petty and conflicting. I let it go when you played out my favorite Metallica Cd making me cringe when the song "One" shuffles on my Ipod. Last night was the last straw you played your loud ass metal music till 3AM WHAT THE F!!!!! So guess what metal lovers it is now 5:30 A.M. and everyone in my house is awake!! ENJOY FUCKERS!!!!GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!!!!!"World Town" BY: M.I.A. lots of bass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Everytime I cut my bangs I wish I hadn't. It's the same thing everytime. I tell who ever is cutting my hair " I want rockabilly bangs" and everytime they shake their head and make me look like I have a front of the head bowl cut which only looks good on ten year old boys.

People say don't cut them anymore and I say alright. But, then I go like an alzheimers patient and do it again all the while thinking this time it will be different. The people around me don't make it any easier one time I told the stylist to cut them straight across. My sister called me a "Pumpkin Pie Hair Cutted Freak" (if you don't get the reference it's alright. It isn't even that funny)

A friend of mine told me about a shop downtown that would razor cut my bangs for fifty dollars. She scoffed when I asked her if that included a happy ending. I will not pay that much for a haircut unless there is some sort of other service rendered. I have the rockabilly pin up style going for me. But, no matter how red my lips, how 50's my clothes and how high my hair. I will still dream of rockabilly bangs.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I’m sure that I am obsessed! I love, love, love Pregnant bellies! Yours, hers and especially mine. I took picture after picture of my pregnant stomach and anytime someone snapped a photo of me I either stuck it out (Like as if I really needed to) or I would just pull my shirt right up. It wasn’t just the pictures either. I could not keep my hands off of my stomach. I played with my protruding belly button that which my husband lovingly christened his Cheerio, you could see it through my shirt round and cute just like a…Cheerio. I’m really bad because I want to touch them I always ask permission but, we all know how it feels the awkward touch of a stranger. Still I cant help it pregnant women facinate me, A beautiful pregnant woman walking by had once eluded me now I see pregnant women everywhere!!! I make it a point to look now and I always smile it brightens my day. I had never felt more beautiful in my life than when I was pregnant and here’s why:

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

At 8 months and one week I walked into my Dr.'s office hand in hand with my 21 month old daughter. I was huge I gained a whopping 40 lbs all in my breasts it seemed. It was the start of my once a week visits and I was pretty anxious. We did the usual weight (190) and urine. When the did my blood pressure the nurse gasped! "Are you feeling okay?" She asked " I feel as normal as I can is there something wrong" she called the doctor over and he told me I would have to deliver today because I was showing definite signs of preeclampsia.

I called my brother who lived close to come and pick up my daughter and I called my boyfriend who was 20 miles out of town to come to the hospital. I drove to the hospital and once again stopped for food. " I don't care if I poo I'm freaking hungry" I thought I called my mom who said she would meet me at Tucson Medical Center. I was excited to be having my baby there because they had 24 hour rooming in with two beds in a private room ( even though Johnny slept in bed with me!)After we got through all the preliminary stuff they gave me something to dialate me cause I wasn't dialated at all. The nurse comes in and checks me and tells me I'm one centimeter dialated. Right then the doctor walks in they had been monitoring me and and she said my blood pressure was low enough for me to go home. I looked her dead in the eye and said "No I'm not going home you guys already started something we have to finish I want to have this baby!" she was shocked and she told me all the reasons why I couldn't have her even though I was close and she seemed healthy. Her lungs could be under developed and she would have to Be in the NICU. Since I had already had a baby in the NICU I opted to go home feeling defeated I started to cry. My boyfriend came over and held me close "Libby will be here soon" he said "I know it's easy for me to say but we're going to have to wait" "Okay babe" I sniffled he hated to see me cry but he was right we had to wait.

Then once again the doctor shows up and says we can do an amniosintisis to determine whether or not the lungs were developed and if they were we could deliver. She explained that she would put a huge needle in my belly and suck out amniotic fluid. I asked Johnny If he thought it was okay and he said whatever I felt was right he supported me. I said yes to the amnio and 45 minutes later we got the news that Libby could be born!My birthing experience with Libby was perfect as soon as it was time to push my boyfriend sprang into action "Remember not to make any noises don't lose your energy" " you are doing great babe keep pushing" "here comes the head" what followed was the most amazing thing I have ever felt. As I have said before my first baby was ripped out of me with forceps. But, this time I felt her head and her neck then out popped her little shoulders, her torso and litle butt tumbled out followed by those long legs and cute toes. I felt ever single part of her body pass through me and I felt as if I had be reborn. I had a very hightened sense of everything I had never in my life felt so aware. When they brought her to me I offered her my breast and she latched immediately and I cried tears of relief. I felt like super mom! I had done it again! We named her Libby Loren Rimer. We roomed in and spent the next 5 days getting to know eachother I never sent her to the nursery until she had to and I went with her when she did. We were inseperable and still are!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Before I had my first daughter I use to ask my mom about what it was like to give birth and when I say ask I mean gril. "how long does it take" "what does it feel like?" then I moved into more specific questions about when I was born. "Did your water break on it's own?" "How much did I weigh?" "Did you breastfeed me?" "Did you love me instantly?" She was always more than happy to tell me no matter how many times the conversation turned into the day I was born. I know that one day my daughters will ask me what it was like when I had them and I will have to tell Sophia the truth about her birth. I wish I could tell her that I had an easy labor, that I was sitting at home knitting and my water broke. I wish I could tell her that the doctors put her in my arms and gave me time to nurse her. That I got to room in with her and privately examine her ten little toes and fingers. But, if I'm going to tell her the truth it goes a little something like this: I was standing in front of the blender on my tiptoes so I could pour a bag of m&ms into a vat of ice cream, milk and sugar. I tell women this particular mixture induces labor. I started to feel dizzy and lightheaded this was my first child so I didn't know what real labor felt like. But, if you've had a child you can agree at the very end of pregnancy everyone is so anxious that if anything out of the ordinary happens to you it automatically means labor " Honey I have a hangnail" "What?!! Get the bag and get in the car"I decided that based on the severity of the dizziness and the fact that my due date was five days away that we should go to the hospital just to be safe. We grabbed the bag and headed for the hospital. We stopped at Wendy's to get something to eat (something I would later regret). We talked and laughed the whole way there except when the dizziness was too much. We made it to the hospital and as we went up in the elevator I saw my doctor. Dr. Hyung (For some reason pronounced win aparrently all the letters are silent) she was a small asian lady and she was young waaaay young something my boyfriend couldn't get over. "Johnny she isn't too young" I said "Bullshit,who is she Doogie Howser, hell I'm willing to bet she's younger than me" he was 28 years old and probably right.My doctor didn't like me it was apparent she examined me like I was a dog and spoke to my nurse (A certified Doula) more than she did to me. She didn't smile and she didn't comfort me. The hospital already knew The baby was drug exposed and they acted accordingly. But, my wonderful family and boyfriend helped me through they knew who I was inside and what a big heart I had!! I had already told my mom about using drugs during pregnancy and we got through it she knew I wanted to change. When it came time to push my boyfriend, my mother and my sister all gathered around me counting and feeding me ice I pushed for three hours and Johnny never left my side. The baby was stuck in my birth canal and I feel like everyone in the hospital had they're hand up there trying to turn her. My boyfriend started to make a fuss and ask for the attending physician.As soon as he came in he scolded the Dr. For making me push for so long and told me they would have to use forceps to deliver her. It was awful but one pull and she was out. Ripped from my body my baby was not happy I heard the cry of a raptor not a baby. So here I am waiting for my baby. The Dr. and a young male med student are in between my legs sewing me up. Well, the male is and the Dr. is telling him what to do I'm like "what the hell". As soon as she said to him "no not like that" I was done "Excuse me" I said " I have to walk around with that for the rest of my life would you please have a more experienced person to sew it up not some rookie med student" she got the point and ask the attending to do it. This guy was awesome he picked up my baby and brought her to me. Later my boyfriend would tell me that upon looking at our baby the Dr. Leans in to my boyfriend and says " You messed up young man, this baby is beautiful!" he exclaimed "Well, there's only one thing to do. You can name her Buffalo and that will keep the boys away for a bit other than that you're in trouble son!" When I looked into my babys eyes for the first time, everything slowed down and I was able to concentrate on this beautiful little creature that came out of such a mess like me. "We did this" I thought "if I can make this happen I can do anything" and right then and there I vowed to do right with my life. Our baby was born 7lbs 4oz. We named her Sophia Annise Rimer and at 10 minutes old she saves our lives and put in motion events that helped shape true happiness and genuine love within our family!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I say motherhood saved my life because, before I had my daughter Sophia I was on a mission to destroy myself and on August 22nd 2008 when the test said I was pregnant I had been using drugs for 9 yrs and I had been addicted to methamphetamine for over a year. I know that being pregnant is a life changing experience and I was very excited to be pregnant and so was my boyfriend. I knew my body was a vessel for my baby. But, I HATED MYSELF!!! I continued to smoked meth throughout my pregnancy always telling myself that I would "quit" for the baby . But, I couldn’t stop!!I would lay in bed tweaked out of my mind getting bigger and bigger and wondering what my baby would look like. I cried every night because I just couldn't stop. I loved the baby growing inside me so much. But, the hate I felt for myself was far greater than any love I had left in me. I finally convinced myself that enough was enough and I stopped in my 7th month of pregnancy. I asked my boyfriend to quit too and he pretended that he did but I knew he hadn't. But, despite his addiction he was always there for me and for a couple of hopeless addicts we shared some very intimate moments. He always loved to touch my belly and ask me what being pregnant felt like he would kiss me on my tummy and tell the baby he loved her. We painted my belly like a New York Giants helmet for the Super Bowl. He always told me how beautiful I was and never missed an opportunity to make love to me. When it was finally time to have the baby. I had my daughter at the University hospital. During one of my previous pre-natel visit they found Meth in my system and the hospital system doesn't forget these things. I will spare you the details of the birth of my daughter (another blog maybe!)She was born at 5 in the morning on March 4, 2008. The moment the nurse put her in my arms and I saw her little face I beamed with pride. "I will never do anything to hurt this family again and from now on I will learn to stay sober and I will stay that way" I said to myself. Unfortunately the hospital wasn't in my head they didn't know and couldn't see the radical transformation that took place that day. My daughter was put in the NICU for further tests they knew she was drug exposed. The caseworker came to talk to me in the NICU while I was trying to get Sophia to latch for the first time and informed me that she would be calling child services. I told her I had changed and she nodded but she wasn't listening she had already made up her mind about me and why not hate me? I used drugs during pregnancy I was scum and she knew it. I was released three days before my daughter. The child services lady came to my house and tore my life apart. Sure we had a place and everything for the baby. but, we were known felons and drug addicts and until we proved otherwise my new baby would have to stay with my mom. "For how long" I said "The case plan is open for one year then if you haven't proven yourself it moves into adoption". She left us with that "What will we do" I thought But, I already knew the answer I have to prove that I am not scum and I love my daughter and have the ability to take care of her and protect her. So here I was sitting in my room staring at the crib with the beautiful canopy hung over it and asking whoever it is up there to please help me to do what’s right. That night my milk came in and I cried for my baby with milk dripping from my breasts. I needed to find a program in order to be in compliance with the case plan. I also had to submit random drops and find a job. I found a program called Start today it was an intensive outpatient program that I would spend most of my time doing. Little did I know when I entered that program that I was about to become a part of something meaningful and for once in my life I was going to feel like I had value. I learned a lot about myself in the following weeks. I had to face al ot of things that had haunted me and caused me to want to hurt myself with drugs. We explored all of our faults and strengths and analyzed our many negative skills and figured out ways to make a positive change. I graduated from the Start Today program a new soul I was ready for whatever the world threw at me. I got a full time job at the local Jack in the Box a job that I haven't quite been able to talk about yet!! Let's put it this way on my 30 minute lunch break I would go in the bathroom and cry. But, I always kept saying to myself that I had value and that I was someone who had a lot to offer. All through this I would say her name over and over again Sophia..Sophia..Sophia. We regained full custody of Sophia in March of 2009 I was four weeks pregnant with our second little girl Libby ( Who has an incredible birth story) I have been clean for 2 1/2 yrs and I am a mentor for the start today program for other addicts in recovery. I also participate in the Meth Free Alliance Speakers Bureau. I have brought my story to hundreds and I am proud of all I have accomplished. I understand that telling my story like this puts me out there for ridicule and judgment. What I hope it does is bring hope not just to addicts but to all people. Because even the most beautiful things can grow from shit. I happen to be one of them! I dont regret what I have done it made me who I am and helped me to find who I truly am!! Thank you to whoever reads this! I hope we can help pass on the message that people can change!!!!