I should be celebrating. I should be tearing up pieces of paper and hurling them over my head while throwing my own ticker-tape parade. I should be hiring munchkins to skip down the yellow brick road with me while singing “Ding dong, the coach is dead. Which old coach? The wicked coach!” Actually, what I should be singing is “Hail to the Redskins” at the top of my lungs while cracking open a case of Milwaukee’s Best in tribute. Finally, the former leader of the Evil Empire (a.k.a. the Dallas Cowboys) is no more. This is the day I dreamt about since June upon first learning that America’s (self-appointed) Team was once again trying to infiltrate my favorite TV show. (Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you either, Hogeboom!) Yet, as this lifelong Redskins fan sits here now, I find myself taking no particular pleasure at the ouster of one Jimmy Johnson. It’s not that the ol’ ball coach grew on me. He’ll always be a mortal enemy. But there are so many people I found myself rooting against even more! People I would much rather have off my TV set. People like:

JIMMY T.
Oh, my lord. Just shut it, man! Am I the only one out there who feels the immediate need to punch a wall every time this ego-driven blowhard opens his mouth? There’s Tyrone doing a solid — if unspectacular — job of tossing bags onto barrels at the challenge, and instead of supporting his teammate, Jimmy T. is sitting there proclaiming, “I want a shot at this” and “You’re wasting me back here.” And you know what words you never, ever, ever want to hear out of Jimmy T.’s mouth? “I’m gonna speak my mind.” And yet that’s exactly what he said and did back at camp after the challenge. “I’ve always had a high opinion of myself,” he began. (Gee, really?) The problem, JT, is that nobody else does. Jimmy T. is not in any way entertaining in his buffoonery. He is just exasperating. And while I should find it humorous when he explains that Jimmy Johnson “knows I got game,” I can’t be humored because I am simply in too much pain from punching my wall. (Sing it with me, Clash fans: “I fought the wall and the wall won.”) I don’t blame just Jimmy T. for being annoying, I also blame Sears for sponsoring the casting competition that brought him on the show (no more Kenmore air conditions or Die Hard shoes for me) as well as every single person who voted for him in said competition. (I demand a recount!) But Jimmy is not the only infuriating person out there. There’s also.…

JILL
You figured out the hidden immunity clue by yourself but then essentially handed over the clue to Marty. Which makes you dead to me, Jill. An act involving that high a level of idiocy simply cannot — and will not — be tolerated. Then, this week, Jill topped that off by insisting that Marty tell the entire rest of the tribe that he had the idol. Why Survivor contestants continue to be allergic to stealth, I will never understand. Information is power! Stop giving it away for free!