The Official Joke thread

This is a discussion on The Official Joke thread within Shifting gears, part of the Around the Corner category; CHINESE PROVERBS
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
...

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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four ***** cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
>
> Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all
> this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't
> ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
>
> The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
> prostitute...."
>
> "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
> disgrace to this family."
>
> "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
> fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
> savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for
> ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
> that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....
> (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years
> Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."
>
> "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
>
> Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
>
> "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
> Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
>

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have
another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to
get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him
to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,
smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his
mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a
drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting,
finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "GAAAAD, DUDE....... how much water did
you drink?"

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting on the bed"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the
voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the
ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The new Mercedes S-class has already drawn attention for its unprecedented level of high technology driver aids. Now Merc is poised to add to that already impressive list of gizmos with a forthcoming option aimed at reducing the risk of driving along when you really need a wee. Dubbed Piss Assist, the new system works using a system of tubes, bottles and a funnel and will be offered on the S-class from this summer. "Our research shows that road safety can be severely compromised by driving along desperately needing a slash," said one Stuttgart Insider. "As well as impaired concentration caused by focusing attention on not wetting yourself, there is also the risk of not operating the controls correctly thanks to heightened levels of leg jiggling". Benz insiders say Piss Assist will not only dramatically reduce the number of times when the motorist has to drive like a nutter to reach a petrol station before they get any seepage on the front of their keks - the system will also prove a bonus for long distance drivers who can't be arsed to stop for a waz.
However, before Piss Assist has even gone on sale Mercedes spies say that the company is already working on a second generation system which will make use of the urine stored in the on board bottle, rather than simply dumping it on the road once a pre-set speed threshold has been passed. Instead, the driver will have the option of firing jets of hot piss from a special washer jet carefully designed to repel those twats who try to wash your screen at the lights. The more advanced Piss Assist is likely to be phased in with the introduction of another forthcoming S-class option called Pikey Fighter Plus which is designed to keep the poor away from your car.
Not to be outdone, BMW is said to be working on a system to rival Piss Assist, believed to be labelled ****ronic.

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,
"Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."