Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Cosmocking: June '08.

Gosh, I put this one off a long time. The issues always come out two or three weeks in advance of their purported month so I've been sitting on this one for a while. Anyway. Carmen Electra on the cover. Her paint-stain dress, while actually sort of cool, clashes horribly with the safety-orange background.

Smashing into theaters this month is The Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton. If your guy forgets the popcorn, crack him up with this classic Hulk line: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."I do so love the awkward laugh of you-won't-put-out-if-I-don't-pretend-you're-not-an-idiot, don't you?

All guys can get away with being vulgar and crass, but very few women can. For instance, it's okay for a man to make masturbation jokes, but when a girl tells you she ended her day alone with a vibrator, it comes across as sad. So women should usually avoid superdirty humor.Hey lady, fuck you! Oh, oops, I'm a dainty proper little lady--kiss you! In the ass.

Also: I'm going to end today alone with a vibrator. Anyone who's sad for me because of this, raise your hand. (Anyone who wants to listen in on this, you have my number.)

"I read about how much fun ice can be under the covers," says Owen, 26. "My girlfriend loved it so much that, even now, she sometimes brings up how creative it was."Oh my gosh, that's so... adorable.

Thank Him for Being a GuyTell him you dig one of his manly moves, like changing your oil or fixing your computer sans manual.That's not manly. It's helpful. I'll happily thank him for being helpful.

You don't see many 20-year-olds who are into role-playing or S and M because they don't need it--a stiff breeze is enough to get them aroused.People don't do that freaky S and M shit because they can't get aroused without it; they do it because with it they get aroused a whole big lot. (Also, I find it sort of weird that they're implying "S and M" would arouse anyone who'd become less responsive to stiff breezes, like a flogging was the new Herbal Viagra.)

[in an advice column where a woman complains her boyfriend hasn't wanted sex for three years] Come to think of it, why do you want to have sex so bad with someone who's unwilling to be intimate? Is it because you're attracted to him or because you're desperate for him to notice you?Or maybe she just wants to get laid sometime this year? Jesus Christ, nooo, women only want sex for fuzzy emotional reasons, because our vaginas are dead inside and feel nothing.

[in an article on date rape] Master Manipulators: Lines like these are meant to get you alone.-"You're drunk. I'll give you a ride home."-"Let's go somewhere quiet to really talk."I can sorta see how these might get a very naive girl into a situation with unwanted expectations, but for an adult with social skills, really... "go somewhere quiet to talk" isn't a lie so much as a polite fiction. Maybe I'm steeped in rape culture, of course I don't think any such situation entitles the man to sex, but most guys who say "let's get some privacy" aren't manipulating you, they're assuming you know what they mean.

The secret to being a confident chick: JEANSEXACTLY.

And now, the almost inevitable Incredibly Reprehensible Article of the Month:How to Snoop on Your Man**Because sometimes you may have toYeah, it's not your fault, you had to!

The medicine cabinet: Google any meds you don't know--he may have an STD, depression, anxiety, and ADD. Painkillers could be from a surgery, but if they're under someone else's name, it could be a sign of abuse. If he has different tablets in the same bottle, note any numbers or letters on them, and use the pill identifier on drugs.com to ID his stash.Yeah, fuck those antidepressant-using bastards, how dare they think they deserve to have a girlfriend! Being depressed, that's just such a horrible betrayal!

And it goes on, for four pages, straight-faced: check his trash, check his browser history, check his wallet, check his phone bill, check his goddamn underwear drawer. I don't even know what to say about this.

11 comments:

I don't see how it's in any way helpful to the girl with the low-desire boyfriend for her to be told that he's a weirdo just cos he's not humping everything that moves every three seconds. Isn't that going to make both of them feel even more alienated and upset?

I don't think they called him a weirdo, I think they more or less called her a weirdo, implying that she only wanted to have sex with him because it's her way of having him "notice her."

It's nearly the same thing "they" tell millions of married men who want to have sex with their wives--except for men, the party line is that we only want to have sex with our wives to control them, or dominate them, or because we won't feel manly otherwise.

I want to say, "Look, dummy, when I want to pretend desperately that I'm manly, I install a toilet, hang drywall, or go shooting. Sex I do because it feels good and it shows love."

A and DG - I'm on Don's side here--I think Cosmo is taking the stance that a woman wanting sex is a sign of some other unfulfilled need, because for some sick reason they can't admit that a woman would enjoy sex in itself.

Marika - D'oh.

Aebhel - I'm a little bit of a snoop too, but at least I had the decency to feel terrible about it. Cosmo's recommending techniques seems to legitimize it.

About that advice-to-the-sexlorn bit, I do have to figure that, if it's been three frackin' years, chances are her reasons for still being with the guy aren't about sex. OTOH, that could be anything from a deep, sincere, and loving commitment to him and to the relationship as a whole, to staying in the relationship only because single=loser - my only evidence for suspecting the latter is that she's writing to Cosmo for advice.

Sorry Holly, three comments. By the way I want to mention that I'm posting the worst of these and my responses on my facebook page (James McCardle if you're interested) as status updates and I've garnered quite a following. Enough that when my friend's mom walked in on me talking about anal beads (what do you think the guy or girl who invented them looks like? My friends think it's an asian guy.) she didn't bat an eye and instead said, "Is this the guy you've been telling me about who posts all the Cosmo stuff?" He said, "Yeah. By the way, thank you SO MUCH for posting those James, they're awesome." So I mean, you're awesome and I'm out there raising awareness for you.

On with the long-ass comments I fear are getting lost in moderation!

"Also: I'm going to end today alone with a vibrator. Anyone who's sad for me because of this, raise your hand. (Anyone who wants to listen in on this, you have my number.)"

I'm sad for me, does that count? I wish I had a vibrator...

""I read about how much fun ice can be under the covers," says Owen, 26. "My girlfriend loved it so much that, even now, she sometimes brings up how creative it was.""

That sounds really COLD and not fun at all, but hey whatever. I remember trying to have outdoor sex in the middle of february in Davis and I remember it being so cold that I could NOT get it up... Ice seems like it'd cause that same problem.

"You don't see many 20-year-olds who are into role-playing or S and M because they don't need it--a stiff breeze is enough to get them aroused."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

HAaaahahahahaaaaa!

1) I LOVE roleplaying! Oh and roleplaying isn't something I just do in bed. I have a friend in NYC who lives across the country... we love roleplaying her as dom. I have a friend in the UK who loves it when I pretend she's *insert fantasy monster here* and I'm a wizard who uses spells like Dominate Monster to make her my sex slave. I have a friend who loves it when I just talk about the things I want to do to her. I love pretending to be a puppy (or a kitsune :3)... I'd love to dress up and act out slash fics. By the way, I get absolutely horny and aroused within five seconds of the girl who RPs as my dom gets online.

2) I'm not much into S/M. Pain just isn't my thing. I could probably do the S part (and really would not object to it to be honest) (oh and also it wouldn't bother me that it wasn't my thing: my thing for the most part is making a girl want me inside her to the point where she's about to explode, so you being horny means I'm satisified, and you screaming in orgasm means I'm happy) if I had a girl I trusted (one thing I've learned just through introspection, and I think I'll do a facebook note on this, is that while a lot of people recognize that the submissives and the masochists need to have a lot of turst in their partner, they don't realize exactly how much trust the Dominants or the sadists need to have in their partners as well. I need to know that you're actually enjoying what I'm doing in order for me to want to do it because while I may enjoy Doming or be ok with hurting you, if you don't want me to be doing either of these things it's rape or battery), but I've yet to have sex with someone I trusted enough who was into this sort of thing to really get into BDSM.

I mention this because OH MY GOD STOP SAYING THAT ROLEPLAYING IS THE SAME AS BDSM. THEY ARE DIFFERENT. YOU CAN ROLEPLAY BDSM OR YOU CAN JUST ROLEPLAY. YOU CAN HAVE ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER.

"Or maybe she just wants to get laid sometime this year? Jesus Christ, nooo, women only want sex for fuzzy emotional reasons, because our vaginas are dead inside and feel nothing."

I guess my only real thought about this is more along the lines of, "If he hasn't wanted to have sex with you in three years, why are you still with him?" Not to be rude but... if I wasn't having sex with my girlfriend she'd be... my friend.

"Maybe I'm steeped in rape culture, of course I don't think any such situation entitles the man to sex, but most guys who say "let's get some privacy" aren't manipulating you, they're assuming you know what they mean."

I... for the most part agree. I mean the first is a bad idea... "You're drunk let me call a cab." Please guys a cab is like $20, and if you send her along with a little note saying "Please call me in the morning so I know you're ok

-James from {bar}"

I suspect the worst thing that will happen is that she'll wake up the next morning, read the note, figure out what happened, and feel very safe and gratified that she met such an awesome guy who a) saw her in her worst state, b) still wanted to maintain contact with her, c) refused to take advantage of her, and d) was generous in providing for her care.

... ok the worst that'll happen is they'll post on their blogs about what a condescending misogynist you are but at that point you just spent $20 to find out that you want nothing to do with this girl. GOOD DEAL.

"The medicine cabinet: Google any meds you don't know--he may have an STD, depression, anxiety, and ADD. Painkillers could be from a surgery, but if they're under someone else's name, it could be a sign of abuse. If he has different tablets in the same bottle, note any numbers or letters on them, and use the pill identifier on drugs.com to ID his stash."

ADD is like the worst thing ever man! They're like completely unable to function in society! Oh and anxiety, who the fuck has anxiety? Certainly not the girl who feels the need to detail, label, and tag her boyfriend's entire medicine chest...