Recovery: Clinging to Tension.

I watched another sappy movie this morning, a new one this time, the black African-American version of “Annie”. It was really good. It had me with tears streaming down my face – and that’s what I needed.

I tend to hold tension in my body. I literally cleave it to my cells. Physically, it is most obvious when I get my menstrual cycle. I can feel the changes in my body and know that it is time to release, but I wait for it… and it doesn’t happen. I often make myself as late as 10 days. Then I need to take prescription muscle relaxers and/or alcohol, which thins my blood and allows my cycle to proceed. The menstrual cycle, a natural thing which happens on its’ own each month (whether a woman wants it or not), I hold so much tension in my body that my cycle cannot occur. I hold everything in so much that my body cannot be normal and just do what she’s created to do. That’s me cleaving to physical tension.

Emotional tension works the same way for me. When I feel it mounting, when I start to notice that it’s too much, then I have to artificially construct a situation that allows me to release.

That’s why I watch the same sappy movies over and over again: “Momma Mia”, “Guardians of the Galaxy”, “Annie”; tear-jerkers that will force me to sob. It’s the best way I know how to cope with my feelings.

But I’m going to try a new tactic today (mainly because I’ve started clenching my teeth). First I have to go to the gyno for a pelvic exam. That should give me some good blog posts. Then I am going to treat myself to a massage. That’s the plan, anyhow. We’ll see if I end up at the casino instead. It’s early yet and I still feel bottled up. I could go either way.