Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Minor Epiphany

I'd like to appologize for the recent display of melodrama on my little segment of the non-porn section of the internet. With my impending parenthood rapidly approaching, I've hit a segment of my life that I didn't really see coming.

In every future father's life, you eventually hit that moment where you realize that you will be changing diapers within a few months. Along with that, you realize the fact that you will never get a blow job again. (My apologies to my wife if she reads this.) By the time that you read this, I will be either a. castrated or b. sent to the sperm bank due to my impending castration.

Along with the sexual implications of my soon to be parenthood, I've had to realize that my chances of being a famous person are also rapidly evaporating. Ever since I was a kid, I thought I could be famous. I think everyone has these thoughts, but people have always told me that I was funny, so I hung onto this dream much longer than I probably should have.

When I was a kid and people told me that I was funny, the majority of my jokes were just crude derivations of other people's jokes. In most cases, they just hadn't heard that particular comedian before, so it was easy to "borrow" their material. People always seemed to think I was a cute kid, but I really don't think that I could have gotten onto TV with my looks.

All joking aside though, who would want their kid to be a TV actor at a young age? Here's my impression of what the agent for the actor who played Chip on Kate and Allie is saying to him right at this moment, "Sure it's soft-core porn, but you're not actually participating in the act.... you're just masturbating while you're watching through the window."

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't view the fact that I'm going to be a father in a negative sense in any way at all. Far from it. It's the best thing that I've ever done in my life. I'm just saying that up until recently, my mind never was able to change gears from drunken frat-boy to soon-to-be father, and that is a bit of shock for your ego.

So, bear with me as I make this not-so-subtle transition in my life and try to understand what I'm going through. I know one of the toughest things will be having to change my vocabulary around. Dropping in a well timed vulgarity can be one of the startling and funny moments in a conversation, and having to slowly weed those words from my lexicon is like a sort of linguistic lobotomy. I've never really wanted to be one of those people that says, "Awww... somebody made a poodie in their pants."