~ The bewildering world of creative writing

Monthly Archives: September 2015

In 1965, the Marine Corps did a great job of preparing me for jungle warfare. In 1968, I returned to the states full of bewildering feelings such as survivor’s guilt, and an insatiable appetite for endorphin flow. In 1968, there was no such thing as post traumatic stress disorder. Some called it battle fatigue, but the term generally was reserved for WWII veterans who fought in a real war.

In 1980 I discovered the Vet Center in West Los Angeles; a place where clinical psychologists helped Vietnam war veterans understand things like intrusive thoughts and feelings. Two years of good counseling saved my marriage, and, in turn, literally saved my life.

Now it is the year 2015, and I am returning to the local Vet Center in Modesto, California. I have been working on a new book entitled, “Wings of Valor.” As much as anything else, it is a project that revives memories of my experiences as a combat aircrew member with a helicopter squadron in South Vietnam. The downside is that working on the book has caused unpleasant dreams, intrusive thoughts, and survivor’s guilt to resurface.

The main thing a combat veteran suffering from PTSD must learn is that there is no cure. It is a condition I will carry with me throughout the remainder of my lifetime. But there is hope by means of good therapy. Learning how to cope with the condition is a good thing. Knowing you are not insane is a good thing. Believing you can take the pain and live a meaningful life is a blessing.

While this all may seem sad and unfortunate, my PTSD counseling has taught me that writing this book is good for my mental health. Keeping feelings bottled up inside can have devastating effects on me and my family. So, I simply set my emotional pressure relief valve at 1,500 PSI, and continue on my merry way. My book will be on my editors desk by March of 2016. Then I can reset my pressure relief valve back to 1,000 PSI.

I consider myself something of an closet chef. As an adult leader with Boy Scouts of America since 1979, I have charred more than a few “first pancakes” while camping. Even at home – in my own kitchen – getting the griddle perfectly prepared for pancakes is a challenge. Experience helps, but the first pancake often becomes a sacrificial lamb.

Thus it has been with my very first book, “Boyhood Adventures.” I enjoyed writing it because it was so reminicent of my early childhood in Texarkana, Arkansas. But, I made the mistake of rushing it into publication. I failed to employ a professional editor. I made goofy mistakes incumbent on first-time writers. I struggled with a re-write for a year, trying to correct typos and enhance character, all in an effort to get it just right. And … I think I was finally close to finishing it. Notwithstanding, a kind mentor, Beth Hill, sympathetically laid her virtual hand on my shoulder, and said, “Let it go, Aaron. It’s time to move on.” Hmm; seems like my wife has offered similar counsel … more than once.

So, while it wasn’t a ceremonious burial at sea, and while there was no playing of TAPS; no honor guard detail firing a 21-gun salute; I decided to follow good advice, and chalk it up to a lengthy practice exercise. And, surprisingly, I feel okay with it. I learned a great deal along the dusty, rocky road to oblivion. Above all, I have learned to accept a charred pancake when I see one. And, I have learned to listen to good, sound advice.

I’m not sad, actually, to see my first pancake tossed into the literary garbage can. I’m not elated … but I’m not sad. Finally, I’m released from flogging a dead horse. I’m free to be fully engaged in my next project. And this “second pancake” will benefit from all I’ve learned as a fledgling writer. With new hope, I strive for a pancake better than the first; golden brown on both sides. At least, that’s the plan. It will, no doubt, fall short of a best sellers list – again – but the lessons learned on my first book will enhance the second. Truly, I have come to find joy in writing, free from fear of imperfection.

Now I embark on a book much more important to me: Wings of Valor. I have aspired to writing this book since I returned home from Vietnam in September of 1968. And, even though I lived the experiences I’m writing of, I am nonetheless deeply engaged in historical research.

My deadline for submitting Wings of Valor to my editor will be 13 March 2016. I hope, once it’s published, the few fans/followers I have will receive it well.