Bob Weir needs to hang it the fuck up! I know I will be assaulted with phatty burritos and grilled cheeses from dreaded trustafarians who have probably never even seen a Grateful Dead show, but I have to be honest.

I recently saw Bob Weir and Rat Dog open for the Allman Brothers show at Red Rocks. First off, let me submit that Bob Weir Might actually be the Gorton’s Fisherman. Exhibit A:

Second, he rocked the stage in the shortest shorts this side of the Village People. Exhibit B:

Sorry, I know that was unnecessary, but so where Bobby’s shorts.

But most importantly, Bob Weir’s performance was like being behind the senior citizen at the grocery store who stubbornly refuses to give up the outdated practice of writing checks. Bob Weir played every slow Grateful Dead song that he ever wrote, except that he played it twice as slow as it was originally intended. I swear to God, he played Lost Sailor and Looks like Rain so slow that it literally took 40 minutes just to get through them. I was this close to chopping my nuts off and throwing them at the stage just to add a little excitement to the show.

He also employed that bullshit crutch that all “beyond their prime” rockers employ when they can’t sing the notes they used to. He would kind of speak/rap the lyrics so that all emotion the song once had was flushed down the shitter (along with Bobby’s self-respect).

And to round it all out he did this for TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!!!!! Two hours for an opening act which sucked monkey balls.

When we finally got through the snooze fest and started rocking to the Allman Brothers, HE COMES OUT ONE MORE TIME TO CONTINUE HIS TORTURE UPON US!!!! It would be funny if it weren’t so sad to see Weir attempt to play a solo on the same stage with Derek Trucks and Warren Haynes. Derek jams a face melting solo into Bobby plinking through what sounds like a drunk invalid trying to play a ukulele.