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It’s hard to always make the funnies. Right now, I’m stuck as hell. I need to find some hilarious. SO, today I decided to go out into the real world to write some hard hitting real life material. The notes I’ve taken are below.

Homelessness

“Kyle, you can take [homelessness] to the moon.” –Talia Esskandanian

Isn’t Talia so ignorant? She thinks homeless people can be astronauts. That’s so ignorant.

I went to a culvert to find some homeless people. I pull back the tall grass, trash and discarded corpses. Nothing. I’m so mad.

“Where oh where are all the hobos? Where oh where are the bums? Where oh where are the men without houses, the meeses without mouses, the womens without blouses? Oh I am so lost!”

I hang my head and kick the dirt. Oh my heart is feeling so hurt.

I go back home and try to think–of ways to make this blog not stink.

Drugs

Drugs seem to me a strange thing, mystifying. I decided to seek out some drug users.

“Hey, Derek.” I say.

“Hey, Kyle,” Derek squeals. “How’s it going?”

“Do you do drugs, Derek?” I ask. While I ask, I’m loading a syringe of black tar heroin I got from my connect at Home Depot.

“No, no I–AHHH!” Here I inject Derek with the heroin. The heroin smells suspiciously like chocolate syrup. I think I’d like heroin on my ice cream. (Later that night, I put heroin on my ice cream.)

“How do you feel?” I ask Derek.

“My heart. Oh god…” He holds his chest and a foam begins to collect at the corners of his mouth.

“Drugs are bad.” I say, and walk out of the room.

Prostitution

Human trafficking has had a long history of being misunderstood by me. For quite some time I believed that human trafficking was when a bunch of people got caught in a really big line or crowd. I became alerted to my misinterpretation while having a conversation with a group of friends. I mentioned how much human trafficking was going on at Wal-Mart when I was grocery shopping. (“You’d of been appalled by the amount human trafficking I saw by the produce today.”)

I went out to look for a prostitute.

I found one within minutes.

I spent $38 and had the time of my life.

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Letter from Kyle to you.

Hey. It seems like we haven’t been seeing a lot of each other lately. I’m really sorry about that. I don’t have a computer of my own anymore and have had some very un-IronKyle stressors sapping me of the giggle juice. I’ll be back, though. I’ll be back.