Commentary: Airline fees send customers sky high

Associated PressIn this photo released by Sergey Dolya, cabin crew serve passengers during a flight over Jakarta, Indonesia, Wednesday, May 9, 2012. The Russian-made Sukhoi jet plane with 50 people on board, including eight Russians and an American, has gone missing during the second demonstration flight of the day near Jakarta, Indonesian government officials said Wednesday.(AP Photo/Sergey Dolya)

NEWS ITEM: Airlines are reserving a growing number of window and aisle seats for passengers willing to pay extra, making it harder for friends and family members to sit next to each other without an additional charge.

Every time I begin feeling sorry for the airline industry beset as they are by fuel prices they can’t control, customers who they are forced to treat like terrorists and employees who would rather slide down the emergency chute then assume the mantle of forced perkiness necessary to persuade passengers that launching themselves 30,000 feet in the air in a locked sardine can is a sensible thing to do, the airlines do something that makes me lose every ounce of compassion I have mustered on their behalf, and gets me thinking about how air travel used to be.

Come with me now on a sentimental journey through the magic of time travel we call memory, and join my 10-year-old self who doesn’t have to arrive 2 hours early for a one-hour flight, toting his mouthwash and deodorant in a clear plastic baggy and balancing his boarding pass, driver’s license, and doctor’s note proclaiming his artificial hip all of which no doubt confuses airline officials since artificial hips, underwear bombers and the TSA have yet to appear along the space-time continuum.

There in memory, I join myself as I am greeted at the gate by a stewardess who I immediately want to marry handing me a pair of silver toy wings a coloring book and big-boy crayons, and asking if I want to meet the pilot and perhaps turn on a few switches in the cockpit before takeoff.

Shortly thereafter my future bride reappears with a cold drink and a plump pillow before handing me a full lunch on a real plate with my own shiny airline silverware and asking me if I have any last-minute instructions for the pilot before takeoff.

Unfortunately, just as I am getting used to the idea of “friendly skies” the magic wears off, as magic always does and I am whisked back to the present where frequent fliers are frequently charged more for their loyalty, where baggage fees can double the cost of the ticket, where a pillow and blanket are sold at black market prices and where for a time airlines were (and I am not making this up) giving serious thought to charging passengers to go to the bathroom.

And now comes the unkindest cut of all – a move to reserve a growing number of window and aisle seats for passengers willing to pay extra, making it harder for friends and family members who don’t pay the fee to sit next to each other.

And while the airlines say they will try to help family members without adjacent seat sit together they can make no promises.

So OK, here’s my promise. I promise to stop talking about the good old days of air travel when you didn’t need a passenger bill of rights which looks like it arrived straight from Guantanamo Bay after a night of overzealous waterboarding and a flight schedule that routes a Springfield to Florida trip through Detroit, if you promise to go six consecutive months without adding some new fee (charging to actually sit inside the plane comes to mind) or subtracting some crucial service (oh, you want us to keep the engines on when we’re in flight, there’ll be a charge for that.)

In the meantime I suggest that young parents everywhere flood the airlines with reservations and scatter their crying, burping, vomiting, pooping children far away from themselves and then start charging the airlines $25 to take them back.