John Fetterman: Mayor John Fetterman believes Braddock, Pennsylvania is a great place to spend some of the stimulus money.

Analog TV: Remember, if you are still watching analog TV, you can’t see this.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

A man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I am speaking, of course, of Bobby Jindal.

Now, it is clear that the Republican party has a new rock star. In that Jindal appears the body fat of Iggy Pop on Free Heroin Day.

Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise!

Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That, that is why they support abstinence education.

Jimmy, let’s look at the rest of the highlights! Oh, there are none?

That’s why they retired his number 43 to the Capitol rafters, next to FDR’s wheelchair and Taft’s bathing tarp.

So I would say George Bush won this round. Sorry, Big O! That’s what you get for filling your speeches with words, instead of pauses and confident squints.

Now, for those of you who are not familiar with The Twitter, it is a new technology that allows people to post short text messages that anyone can see, first pioneered by the extremely former Congressman Mark Foley.

Let’s take a peek at their tweets. Texas Congressman Michael C. Burgess: “Somehow the best seats are reserved for the Senators.” Meee-ow!

Stephen: Now, you are the mayor of Braddock, Pennsylvania, correct?Fetterman: That’s correct.Stephen: Do you have any tarantulas there?Fetterman: Just got rid of ’em recently, so it’s safe for you to come.Stephen: (indicating Fetterman’s beard) Because I wasn’t sure what this was.

Stephen: When you say your town is open for urban experimentation, are you taking part in these experiments? Because you look like you received a dose of gamma radiation.

Stephen: You know what you should do with that money, because this always revitalizes the place — put in skyboxes. ‘Cause then you get the, you know, the big-ticket clients.Fetterman: We were actually hoping for a Colbert museum of some kind in town, to, to uh —Stephen: Well, you know, I am looking for the Stephen Colbert Museum and Gift Shop location. We had one in Colbert County, Alabama. Uh, but uh, we were either driven out of town, or abandoned their community, I can’t remember which.

Stephen: I assume you have a lot of French & Indian War re-enactments down there.Fetterman: Well, actually, not surprisingly, we did have one on the 250th anniversary —Stephen: One? You had one? You guys do need more business.