A Troubled Son Appears To Be An Unwed Father

December 14, 1991|By Ann Landers.

Dear Ann Landers: I was a single parent for 10 years and remarried eight years ago. I am the mother of an 18-year-old boy who is troubled, to put it mildly.

At age 4, ``Vince`` witnessed his aunt`s death in a head-on car collision on Easter. A year later, the most important man in his life, his grandfather, died unexpectedly of heart failure. His own father committed suicide when the boy was 12. He had a very unhappy childhood.

My current husband and Vince never got along. Vince moved out the day he turned 18. He attends high school full-time and works part-time. He has had 12 jobs in the last two years and gone to three therapists. He quit therapy because, as he put it, ``They may be helping you, Mom, but they aren`t doing a thing for me.``

Several months ago a girl I never heard of called to say that she was seven months pregnant and that my son was the father. When I told him about the call he blew up and denied it. A few weeks ago the baby was born-a beautiful little girl. Against the advice of family and friends I went to see this precious little one. One look convinced me that she was indeed Vince`s child.

My son is just starting out on his own and struggling. He lives on $800 a month. Two-thirds of his income comes from a Social Security death benefit that will last until he is 19 or out of high school. Having been a single parent myself and receiving not a dime of child support, I know firsthand what it is like to try to raise a child alone. If it had not been for my parents, I would never have made it.

My son refuses to talk about the situation. He says it is hard for him to say ``my daughter.`` Meanwhile, there have been no blood tests to determine parentage one way or the other. I have met the mother and she is a lovely person. She says I can see the baby any time I want and be a part of her life. My son is not pleased about this.

Family and friends advise me not to push my son into accepting this child until there are blood tests to prove that she is his. Ann, I don`t know what to do. I`ve been on both sides of the fence. How do I live with myself if I don`t help care for my own grandchild?

My husband has told me that he and I will not be financially responsible in any way, shape or form. I don`t work and am financially dependent on him. I am back in school to become a teacher so I will be able to earn my own income. I know this is a long letter, and it reads like a soap opera, but I need some advice on how to proceed. Should I see the baby and be part of her life if everyone around me says no? And what about my son? I don`t want to alienate him. If I pursue this, what are the consequences? Please advise me. I`m beside myself with worry.

Sad in Arizona

Dear Arizona: The first thing that needs to be done is a blood test to determine whether or not Vince is the father of that child. If he is, he must give the child`s mother financial support. What else he wants to do after that is up to him.

It sounds as if you`ve already fallen in love with the baby, which seems to be a big part of the problem. If the blood tests prove that Vince is indeed the father, he had better shape up and kick in with child support and treat this little girl like a daughter. If he is not the father, you had better back off too.

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Ann Landers` latest booklet, ``Nuggets and Doozies,`` has everything from the outrageously funny to the poignantly insightful. Send a self-addressed, business envelope and a check or money order for $5 to: Nuggets, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, Ill. 60611-0562.