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Day January 7, 2014

Well, crap…it’s 2014. Sorry for my longer-than-usual absence, but I’ve had a few extra irons added to my fire, and let’s be honest: the holidays are a time for laying around in your pajama pants and drinking too much. I got rather stinky over the last few weeks. Like, literally. I reek. I have therefore decided to pull myself out of this torpor, wash the stink from my body and cobwebs from my mind, and hop back on the ol’ horse.

This blog is also a sort of two-pronged celebration. Not only is it my first blog of the new year, but also it technically happens to be my 100th post. How ’bout that? To commemorate these two waypoints, I’ve enlisted the help of the Amazing Criswell!! This was exceedingly difficult, as Criswell passed away in 1982. But don’t trouble your pretty little head with the science behind this feat. Simply sit back and enjoy the dead “psychic” and his astounding, remarkable predictions for the new year! PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!!

CRISWELL PREDICTS…that in the coming year, these all shall come to pass!

At a family get-together, your great-uncle will warn everyone that they’re all about to be mustard-gassed. His prediction will come true! Having eaten way too many brats with spicy Koop’s Horseradish Mustard, he will totally bust ass right in the middle of a post-cookout game of Euchre.

Worst. Memorial Day. Ever.

On or about the same date…perhaps in July…you will awaken from a drunken stupor at a friend’s house to find (TO YOUR HORROR!!) that you are clad simply in jorts and a t-shirt bearing an airbrushed likeness of Dale Jarrett. You will have NO MEMORY of how this came to pass!!

For a period of about twenty-six days in early Autumn, people will decide that “peg rolling” jeans is “a thing again.” BEWARE THE HIPSTERS!!

Sadly, this is a pretty likely outcome.

In 2014 Jimmy Fallon will become the UNDISPUTED KING OF LATE NIGHT TELEVISION!! (Editor’s note: this is actually the most likely outcome, and not really a stretch as far as “predicting.”)

In March of this year…you will REMEMBER WHERE YOU KNOW THAT ONE GUY FROM!!

In time for the Oscars, it will be revealed that GEORGE CLOONEY IS GAY!! And his lover will be revealed to be none other than THE AMAZING CRISWELL!! (Editor’s note: this is nothing more than wishful thinking.)

(Editor’s note: upon further review…)

“Fishing for ground muffins” will be a slang phrase that catches on with the kids. It will either mean “pooping on a picnic table” or “voting for an unlikely Democratic challenger in a Tea Party state.”

TERRORISTS will attack a DISCOTHEQUE! But because it will be a “DISCOTHEQUE” and not a “NIGHTCLUB” people in the United States won’t care a lick!

In 2014, you will discover that the girl you had a crush on back in 1998 has gotten TOTALLY FAT!!

This year scientists will discover that over-exposure to the sun’s rays actually FIGHTS harmful skin cancer. The scientific community will offer a collective “Our bad!” (Editor’s note: I find this not only highly unlikely, it’s pretty irresponsible if you ask me.)

Pictured: The HEALTHIEST WOMAN ALIVE!!

Finally…before the end of 2014, the AMAZING CRISWELL will become mayor of Los Angeles just in time to welcome our NEW ALIEN OVERLORDS and their King, ANDY DICK!!