When Someone You Love Is Gay

Sy Rogers

The purpose of this article is to help the friends and families of gays deal
with their own reactions to
homosexuality, and to help them respond in a positive, Christian way.

Case 1

Susan and Carol had been friends for years. Because of their close
relationship, it was no secret that Carol and her husband were having
marital problems. One day, while having lunch together, Carol
admitted she had something to confess-something important. Susan sensed
the apprehension in Carol's voice: A divorce, Susan thought,
she's getting a divorce!

Taking a deep breath, Carol began: "It's so scary for me to tell you
this, but I have to. I can't keep on pretending. I just don't want it to
affect our friendship you're like a sister to me!"

Susan reached across the table, taking Carol's hand. "What is it, Carol?
Is it your marriage? Whatever it is, you can tell me..."

Tears began to well up in Carol's eyes. "Susan, it's not the marriage.
That would make this easier, I think. It's me. I ... I'm gay. I'm a
lesbian."

Case 2

As Joan passed her son's room, she noticed the white piece of paper taped to
the middle of the door. A note from Mark. She knew something was wrong.
She took the note into the kitchen, sat down, and began to read:

Dear Mom and Dad, Since you both know about me being gay, I have decided
it would be best for all of us if I moved out. I know how you feel, and I
don't want to make things worse. I'll be staying with some friends for a
while. I guess this means putting college on hold, too, but please try not
to worry about me. I'll make it. I'm really sorry I've let you down. I'm
sorry for the big fight the other night. I didn't want you to find out that
way, but I guess it's just as well you know. Most of all, I'm sorry you
don't understand about me. I'll be in touch--Love, Mark

Joan laid the note aside. Is this really happening? she thought.
It seems so strange, only a few days ago everything was normal. Then I had
to be the one to find his "dirty" magazines... and those letters! I had to
be the one to confront him, and push him into telling me the truth. Why did
I ever tell his father... ? And now, she asked herself, will anything
ever be normal for us again?

Unprepared

An event most people are totally unprepared for is the discovery that someone
close to them is gay. Whether the confession of homosexuality comes from a
son or daughter, husband, wife, or close friend, the reaction is often
the same: "What do I say to them now?" "How can I help?" And, sometimes,
"Could I be partly to blame for this situation?"

The impact of learning someone close to you is gay can be as great as if
that person had died. Suddenly, your expectations and hopes for his or her
future may never be realized.

Often, various emotions common to the grieving process surface. First come
shock, denial, and disbelief, sometimes followed by a rush of shame, anger,
and tears. Depression, even physical symptoms of distress, may
result. Almost always there are tremendous feelings of guilt
("Where did I go wrong?"), especially true with parents and spouses of gays.
Anger and resentment may grow into bitterness ("How could you do this to
me!") if unforgiveness is harbored. The grieving process will pass in its
intensity, especially as you yield your hurt and struggle to God, trusting
Him to help.

There Is Hope

First, there is hope for you!
Apart from the needs of your homosexual loved
one, God desires to help you deal with this situation, and He offers many
provisions.

God does not want to see you overcome with frustration and despair. He has
given us His promises. Seek to apply them to your situation. He promises to
give us wisdom if we ask. He promises to comfort and strengthen us in time
of need. He promises that His grace will keep us from being overwhelmed by
our circumstances. His grace also supplies us with the faith we need to
trust our loved ones into His capable care. God tells us that as we humble
ourselves and seek to obey Him, regardless of what we face, He will supply us
with the power to do what is right.

In relationship to others, God can give us the patience to wait on Him to work
in our loved one's life. He can supply us with the ability to forgive and
demonstrate love toward those who have hurt and shamed us. God can
teach us to see circumstances from His perspective, and then we see that all
things are possible with God. "All things" includes freedom from homosexuality!
Then we see that there is hope! Second, not only is there hope for you, there
is also hope for the homosexual. There is a way out of homosexuality for
those who want it! Although homosexual behavior is consistently condemned
throughout Scripture (see references below), as is all sin, there is also
biblical record of people being set free from homosexuality (I Corinthians 6:9-11).
Remember, where God requires us to change in order to obey His
standards, He has the power to make that change possible in our lives.
This is as true for the homosexual as for the prostitute, the addict, and
all who need Jesus!

Though your friend or loved one is involved in homosexuality now, that doesn't
mean he or she always will be. Many men and women around the world have been
(and are being) set free from homosexuality. God doesn't play
favorites. Your loved one can be free, too, but it may not happen overnight.
God's Spirit must be the One to draw him or her. Therefore, your only hope
is in the power of an unlimited God!

Practical Steps You Can Take

1. Get a hold of your emotions. After the bomb has been dropped in your
lap, it may be difficult to gain control of your emotional reaction. This is
especially true in a confrontation. While emotional
reactions are part of being human, try not to let your feelings get out of
control. In your anger, sin not. Try to limit your immediate reaction to
lessen the strain on your relationship with the gay person. if you've already
had a "blow up," you can always work toward reconciliation.

2. Forgive. Release your anger, hurt, and shame
through forgiveness. This prevents bitterness from setting in and
speeds healing to you and your relationship
with the gay person. In addition to forgiving those who have hurt you, ask
God to forgive you for
anything in your past that may have contributed to this situation. With God's
forgiveness, you need not
remain a prisoner to guilt and condemnation. Once you've received His
forgiveness for any failure on
your part, mark the date on your calendar. Remind yourself and the devil that
on that date you know God forgave you for your past.

3. Get God's perspective. Get your attitude in line with God's Word.
Having a gay loved one is not
the end of the world. Homosexuality is sin. It is not the worst sin. It is
not "incurable." God doesn't hate
homosexuals, either. As a matter of fact, He loves them and wants to redeem
them. He sees their need
for love, acceptance, and identity, and longs to meet these needs. Jesus did
not condemn the prostitute,
traitor, adulteress, thief, or murderer. instead, He offered them another
chance at life. As mentioned
earlier, "all things" are possible with God, including freedom from
homosexuality. There is biblical
record of homosexuals changing by God's power (I Corinthians 6:9-1 1). Share
this hope with your gay friend or loved one.

4. Keep lines of communication open. Our words can either build up or
tear down. Use good judgment in sharing with the gay person. Don't make
every visit or conversation a sermon on sin. Avoid
arguing-be a listener. He or she needs to know that you are available to
talk, especially when he or she is
hurting. Pray for wisdom in communicating God's standard. Present Jesus in a
positive light, as a Person who loves, cares, and wants to help.

5. Demonstrate love and acceptance. Sometimes our love must be firm. The
Christian cannot compromise
God's standards or condone sin. However, it is vital that the gay friend or
loved one understand that your
disapproval of his sinful behavior is not a rejection of him. Maintaining
God's standards often puts us in the place
of drawing the line on a person because of sin. This can be painful and
necessary in some instances. But we can
still demonstrate love and concern for the gay person in many practical ways.
Be willing to talk and listen. Don't be afraid to hug or touch.
Don't exclude the homosexual person from your life and activities. He or she
may resent your stand on sin, and may isolate or withdraw from you. Yet you
need not be the one to turn your back on him or her. You may be an
important link between that individual and God if not now, perhaps later. So
guard your witness. Maintain God's standards, but love the gay person, too.

6. Let go. One of the most difficult of all these steps is having to
entrust your loved one into the care of
God. Let him or her go. You can't save that person. You can't stop him or
her from pursuing the gay life. You're
not in control-God is! You must learn to trust God to draw your loved one by
His Spirit. Trust Him to protect your
loved one. God's desire is to free homosexually oriented people from sin and
deception. Remember, He loves the one you love even more than you do!

7. Pray, fast, and wait. You can pray! You can
fast! Prayer combined with fasting is a powerful spiritual
weapon. Like it or not, it's going to take much prayer and fasting. But for
the sake of a friend or loved one, isn't the sacrifice worth it?
Jesus knew prayer and fasting got results. He practiced it, as did His
disciples. Throughout the Bible, when
men and women faced difficult circumstances, they prayed and fasted. God
often responded in miraculous ways.
Read and study Isaiah chapter 58, the chapter on the purpose and power of fasting.

Though God does answer our prayers, He rarely answers them when or how we
want. We want to see our loved
one free now! But God's timing is perfect. His methods are perfect. So, in
addition to everything else, wait on
Him to work in the life of your loved one. Use the waiting period as an
opportunity to strengthen your faith and trust in the Lord. He hears and
will help you!

Finally ...

If you are having a difficult time dealing with any person because of his or
her homosexuality, then you need to
take a look at your attitude-and get it right. Being squeamish about
homosexuality is one thing. But having a
reaction of revulsion, hostility, or violence toward the gay person is sin.
Such defensive reactions often mask
insecurity of fears about one's own sexual identity. Needless to say, that
can hinder the effectiveness of your
witness. Fortunately, the Lord can set you free from such sinful attitudes,
aid deliver you from any fears or
insecurities, too

If you suspect that a loved one is involved in homosexuality (or any other
form of immorality), try not to panic
or lose your temper. Rather, in firm love and honesty, confront the person
with what you suspect. Don't accuse!
Be prepared for lies and covering up, defiant admission that it's all true, or
a brokenhearted confession of guilt.
Also remember, this person may truly be innocent of any wrongdoing.

When the situation reaches this point, or is headed in this direction, seek
Christ-centered counseling for yourself
and, if possible, your loved one. Remember to see Christ as your hope,
knowing "That all things work together for
good to them that love God, to them that are called according to His purpose"
(Romans 8:28).