SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #2

Happy New Year to you all, it’s a new year and with it comes a new batch of extra craptacular movies, half as good as your regular flick but twice as cheesy…just the way I like it.

Hard pressed to find something that’d top my first picks, I turned to my old friend The $2 Bin™ (well technically it’s a $6 bin, but that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it), having never been let down before by it’s mystical powers of marked downness I put my trust in its ability to offer cinemas proverbial regurgitations for a rock bottom price…possibly the smartest thing I’ve done all year…so far. So for your viewing entertainment (ha) I have prepared 2 truly despicable pieces of deep fried bottom dollar trashstickles and the strangest piece of cinema to have ever been pulled out of my ass! – Danny Price

CEMETERY GATES was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: Roy Knyrim

Have you ever noticed that nowadays it’s the Producers of movies that are getting credited on the DVD covers? Take Cemetery Gates for example, the front cover proudly boasts the words: From the Producer of DOG SOLDIERS, but can you really blame them? Here’s the alternative: From the Director of DEMONS AT THE DOOR….I rest my case.

With the above point made the quality of Cemetery Gates is signed, sealed and delivered, with a 100% Guarantee of bonerfied suckage. Not even the blessings of horror gurus Greg Nicatero and Howard Berger could stop this thing from making it’s inevitable decent into cinematic hell for the craptacular.

The good thing is that Cemetery Gates never tries to be more then what it eventually became, a plotless, pointless and {insert P word here]less, gore fest with a fake looking, but funny as hell, creature feature.

Though not the worst plot in the world, Cemetery Gate’s one had me in fits of girlish giggles when I read it, I mean serious…

Ahem *clears throat*…When a mutant Tasmanian Devil is set loose by an anti-animal cruelty group, it goes on the rampage and makes a home in the tunnels which run beneath the local cemetery where a group of collage students are filming a horror movie where a reality TV show, called Cemetery Gates, is overrun by zombies.

The scientists responsible for the mutation track it down to the cemetery in an attempt to recapture it.

So the Tasmanian Devil is indeed a vicious little bastard but seriously, look at the damn thing and tell me you’re terrified…

KILLER TONGUEwas made in the cheesy year of 1996 and cheesily directed by Alberto Sciamma

*Here’s a clip in German:

Have you ever been unable to remember the title of a movie you saw so very long ago, but the memories of specific scene remain with you? Welcome to my world, a complex place already full of the weird unknown and never want to know, in walks Killer Tongue and shit just keeps getting weirder.

Four years ago I first saw Killer Tongue, I never knew what the title was because I missed the start, and chances are it wouldn’t matter because the damned thing wasn’t even in English and for some inexplicable reason there were only subtitles for half of the movie!

None of that matters because the movie was soon forgotten, lost in that dark abyss I call a headspace, but left in its wake, stuck somewhere in my mind were these scenes, allow me to share with you fragments of a B-Movie super giant that’s as big as the meteor which mutated four poodles into a bunch of drag queen servants to a six foot homicidal turkey fucking tongue.

– Candy, with her already mutated tongue, enters a gas station where the owner is having a bath, his vision blocked by a warm cloth (because there’s no better place to relax then a piece of shit gas station bath room), Candy’s mutated and extended tongue proceeds to go down on Mr. Gas Station Owner before taking an adventure down his throat, through his stomach and plowing straight out his ass, shattering the porcelain and spewing a flood of water, blood and feces all over the joint.

– After the above scene, Candy (shocked and appalled at the behavior of her new found appendage) tries to satisfy its hunger by sacrificing a frozen turkey, which the tongue enters in a bizarrely sexual manner and suddenly become Taz from Loony Toons, it tears it to shreds whilst Candy’s Poodles cum Tranny’s look on.

– In an attempt to end their dysfunctional relationship, Candy pulls an Ash and tries to sever limb from body, first trying to bite and tear the tongue from her mouth, all the while the tongue is talking to her and making remarks like: What do you want me to do? Move out and rent an apartment?

SUPERCROC was made in the cheesy year of 2007 and cheesily directed by Scott Harper

Never has such a beast ever been seen, a beast of such strength, its power is brutal and its damage immeasurable….whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m not talking about the Croc itself, no you misunderstand me. You see, in all my life I have never seen such utter garbage, sheer boredom incarnated into 90 minutes of complete and utter idiocy.

Why must you see it you ask, because should you be able to endure, should you be able to persevere, should you be able to come out on the other side, beaten but not broken, after you have seen Supercroc no-one will ever question you ever again.

Basically a big ass crocodile is making its way towards a city and the army has to stop it from destroying said city, what they must first do however is wait for it.

Let me ask you something, do you remember when you were in school and the teacher put you on time out for 15 minutes, you’d sit there and you’d wait for what feels like 30 friggin’ minutes, then you’d look at the clock and realize it’d only been 5! That is Supercroc to a tee, it is torture to watch and try to stay awake. The croc, which should be causing a hearty amount of mayhem, seems content to simply take a stroll towards its destination; there is no point to this movie.

The sole purpose of watching this is for bragging rights, if you are of an impatient disposition then I implore you to not attempt to endure this, it is likely to send you loco.