Counting carbs/calories is a drag. Obsessive scale stepping is a recipe for despair. If you want to count something, "days on habit" is a much better metric. Checking off days on a calendar would do just fine, but if you do it here you get accountability and support. Here's how. Start a new topic in this forum called (say) "Your Name Daily Check In." Then every N day post a "reply" to that topic as to whether you stayed on habit. A simple "<font color="green">SUCCESS</font>" or "<font color="red">FAILURE</font>" (or your preferred euphemism if that's too harsh) is sufficient, but obviously you're welcome to write more if you want. On S-days just register that you're taking an S-day. You don't have to do this forever, just until you're confident you've built the habit. Feel free to check in weekly or monthly or sporadically instead of daily. Feel free also to track other habits besides No-s (I'm keeping this forum under No-s because that's what the vast majority are using it for). See also my <a href="/habitcal/">HabitCal</a> tool for another more formal (and perhaps complementary) way to track habits.

You all are so kind and understanding and supportive. I love my NoS buddies.

Linda, I think my drinking did sort of sneak up on me over the decade after I had kids. But now it's all out there, and I know that I have this tendency. I keep thinking I need to try pot instead.

Alene, you are right that I can design my classes for less grading. You are right. I need to do that. But, on the bright side here, I think the work I'm assigning to the students is extremely useful for them. Every minute of it I think is valuable for them; and every minute of my grading is good feedback for them. It's just maybe a bit much this quarter.

And Pinkie - yes, sabbatical coming! Which brings me to my next anxiety, which is am I going to spend my sabbatical worrying about the sabbatical work rather than rejuvenating? omg I am such a goofball.

OK, now my pondering for today is this: I actually am caught up on grading today and have the day in front of me. I'm so used to not having time to take a break that I'm not sure what to do, and I don't really feel like doing anything. Even my long walks don't sound attractive. Cleaning rarely excites me (lol), I don't want to start a puzzle..... I just keep thinking about schoolwork that does need to be done (not urgently, though).... I hate "wasting" a free day but feel no energy to take advantage of it either.

And I'm sort of pissed about my eating. I've had some strange/big fails off and on during quarantine. Probably no surprise and I know most of have been struggling in different ways during all this stay-home stuff. But it does piss me off.

Eating
B: coffee w/cream (2 cups), decaf w/cream (1 cup), collagen proteins (1 cup)
L: my new homemade high-fat 24 hour fermented grass-fed A2 yogurt! I'm going to taste-test it with my two other brands. I used to make yogurt somewhat regularly (one of the few things I like to make, lol), but it's been a long time. Truthfully, I have access to very good local yogurts so it's not something I really need to make. But anyway, should be fun to taste-test today.
D: pork loin
And I will remind myself that tomorrow morning I will not regret foregoing whatever crap-in-a-bag my family indulges in tonight.
1 cup decaf w/cream
1 cup collagen proteins

Moving
Better get out there, but feel no excitement for it.
Ended up taking 2 nice walks, one with each dog.

Yeah I can see how that would be a worry with a sabbatical. I bet you will figure it out when the time comes though.

So you eat a different dinner than your family most nights? I think that would be tough to do, I can definitely understand succumbing to take out! I hope you felt happier about your dinner choice this evening though.

I know when school is in session I have a hard time gearing down and enjoying ANY free time as it feels wrong to not be doing schoolwork. I hope you figured out something fun to do and/or relaxed and took time for yourself!

Pots a great idea since it’s much less addictive. It makes me paranoid though. I think it’s great you’ve so open about your struggles with drinking and it’s allowed me to do the same so thanks for that.

Put in reasonable, sustainable perimeters on your eating and exercise and then get on with the rest of your life.

My homemade yogurt is delicious. I enjoy making it (which is rare for me to enjoy anything in the kitchen). So for fun it's worth it but I am totally lucky to have great local NW yogurts at the store. I'm actually making another batch today - incubating for 24 hours.

What stands out about yesterday was how much I wanted to eat processed foods. I had to fight it. And using willpower like that is not normal for me - I don't like having to use such overt force to avoid overeating. Definitely not sustainable.

Sorry you are having difficulty auto. Do you think your craving for processed foods is due to stress? I agree that using that much willpower is not sustainable. It's why Im rethinking my eating patterns. Just try to be nice to yourself because if you get mad at yourself for processed food cravings or eating processed food, it will probably just cause more stress.

What you are doing is really hard right now. I hope you are able to at least have little breaks for yourself where you can relax a bit.

Linda - you are going to make cheese?! That is so cool! I think I might have to give that a try at some point. Of course, my favorite is aged cheeses like cheddar, which take months and months, haha.

Pinkie - I don't think the cravings are necessarily stress, but yes, in a way. I think (as always), I'm looking for the pleasure hit those foods give me. I'm not experiencing a lot of pleasure in my day-to-day, so the idea of some Doritos is exciting. Haha.

Friday, May 22 - today is our 21st wedding anniversary....we haven't been fighting, but we definitely aren't interacting in lots of positive ways in the past 2 months. Sexy is in the same situation I am, but maybe even tougher in some ways. I already had a youtube channel and am very comfortable online with my students; he teaches math and had to record himself teaching Calculus 3..... So he has staked out his desk in our bedroom; I'm stuck at the kitchen table. He goes running by himself; I go walking by myself. Honestly, the idea of going out of the house with him when I could be myself is not attractive. I'm sure he feels the same way. He does all the grocery shopping, most of the cooking, and helps Challenger with his Algebra.

Oh that is right, I forgot that your husband is a teacher too! That must be stressful. I can't imagine trying to teach calculus 3 via youtube.(I say as someone who never took Calculus... ) I suppose the nice thing is that you will both be done at the same time.. He isn't doing summer school is he?

I know what you mean about looking for the pleasure in food. I have been reading masses of Intuitive eating type books lately and that is one thing they talk a lot about. If you don't have a lot of joy in your life, or fun, it's easy to use food as your fun. Especially during stressful times! At least you have the structure of No S to help you, so that's good.

Can I ask you a question about your yogurt? Whenever you get to it is fine, I know you are busy. Is it like Greek yogurt with all the protein or more like your standard full fat yogurt?

It's regular protein yogurt (10g/protein/serving). I don't strain it because then I'll lose potassium and calcium from the drained whey. Well, and honestly, that's more work, too. I use 1/2 gallon whole milk (the kind I buy is 6% milkfat) and then add a pint of cream.

Moving
Great moving day. Nice walk this morning with HappyHerder. Then a lot of yardwork that felt great, for some reason. Just felt good to move around in different ways today. Some pull-ups and squats. Still plan to take Flowerpup somewhere - maybe out to the garden store to look at benches, bridges, yard art and pots.

Thanks auto, that is interesting. Does that mean commercial greek yogurt is also lacking potassium and calcium then? I never considered that before. Your homemade yogurt sounds amazing though! I love full fat yogurt and its so hard to find plain here.

I'm glad you enjoyed your day out in the garden so much. It really is therapeutic, isn't it? Especially now with being indoors so much and sitting more. I hope you found a nice bench. I'm going to create a "secret garden," at our new house. There's a spot up between two maple trees where I'm going to put it. I need to do some research on plants that will work, a bench, and probably a little pathway.

Thanks Linda, pinkie, and alene! I have been buying fence art! I have geckos and butterflies and turtles now. Then I dragged a huge stump to the trailhead near me and brought it home. I was so pleased with myself that I hauled two more logs into my backyard from the woods. Sexy laughs at me - claiming most people try to get stumps and logs OUT of their yard. No bench yet, but I found one I like.

Sort of deep in the depression of my periodic existential crisis of teaching. There are some aspects of it that I don't feel safe expressing, even on this fairly anonymous forum, but I want y'all to know that I wish I could share more, because I generally trust this group so much. The other thing is that I know this will pass - it comes in waves. I hate letting my fear of repercussions at my job keep from enjoying my job. But I do tend to think that with the passing of years it is harder and harder for an average person like me to be safe in teaching. I think that it will continue to require zen-like social skills and ... well... an ability to politic to keep safe. I just really don't have those skills (and believe me, I try - but that inner "live-wire" temperament of me rises up and messes things up with her bluntness). I feel it's just a matter of time until it's my turn to be publicly shamed for not handling a student issue with the level of skill and savvy that Sexy could (and many of my other colleagues).

I was thinking I might like to be a vet tech for a large animal vet.....
Trust me, I keep having ideas that might sound a little crazy.
If Sexy keeps his job, then I could quit and begin exploring other side gigs. LOL.
Anyway, I'm on sabbatical in THREE FREAKING WEEKS. How can I not just keep my head down and survive for three more weeks?! Do I sometimes whip up unnecessary internal turmoil for some weird dysfunctional reason? Maybe my psyche prefers torment to boredom. LOL, OMG, that could be true.

auto sorry that you are having trouble. I wish you could express more too, but this is an open forum so one does have to be careful. I know what you mean about the politic of teaching and having to be careful. I feel bad for my professors when I am in school. I have one that became good friends with my husband when he was in school( my degree plan is similar to what my husband took) and he would often tell him about "microaggression" complaints that he would get and other students complaining about what he said and such. Which blew my mind because he is an amazing professor. I notice my male professors are INSANELY careful around me and I assume its because I am a woman. They are much more guarded with me than with the males in the class. Which is a bummer since I am usually the only female in the class. I know they are only protecting their jobs, but it makes me sad.

Anyway, since I don't know your situation I could just be blathering about something that has nothing to do with your situation, but I am sorry that you have to deal with it. Vet tech is one of the jobs I contemplated too! But, then I read about the high rate of injuries they get and decided against that idea. Maybe a dog trainer?

Sorry you’re struggling too. I have these crisis every 6 mos or so. Usually it’s about getting some kind of job but I never do then it leads to fears of being homeless and alone. Sigh. It always passes though and eventually I find something interesting to throw myself into till the next crisis.

Anyway, omg you’d be a great dog trainer and can I be your first client?!

Put in reasonable, sustainable perimeters on your eating and exercise and then get on with the rest of your life.

Auto, I wish you could share more too. It really does help to share it with the group. Keep letting all those ideas percolate. Maybe one of them will just click and you'll be off on a new life adventure! Or, things in education will settle back down and you will find your groove again and feel good about it. I think you may be being too hard on yourself about not handling the social skills you need. I thought you did a wonderful job handling the situation that came up in your class last month. These kinds of decisions usually take time to shake out. 3 more weeks!!

As for causing our own inner turmoil, I think most all of us could raise our hands and say, "me too?" I think it's part of the human condition.

Auto, I’m sorry you’re struggling. At least, with only 3 weeks to go, you can hang in there and then you’ll be free. Would it be feasible for you to quit? If so, it sounds like you would be a great vet tech!

Linda - Maybe these crises just come with the territory of having only one life to live? We just can't do it all!

Alene - Thank you for your kind words - I had already forgotten about that situation. That student is still one I am particularly careful with but I do actually think I've won her over (and if I remember right, I didn't think that would ever happen).

Clarinetgal - If I quit, we could do it if we lived far more frugally (I think, anyway, maybe I'm being overly optimistic). Anyway, I think right now letting myself fantasize about escaping this situation is helping me survive, in some weird convoluted way.

I have to say, I think the sunny weather this week is improving my coping ability. Yesterday I quit working earlier in the day than normal, and went on a long and extremely leisurely walk with Flowerpup. We just took our time, and stopped and sniffed everything. She swam a lot, too! It was very relaxing for me, and had me looking forward to the long leisure hours of summer.

At this point, I'm thinking I will spend my sabbatical really improving my science artwork and adding to my website and youtube channel. I will also spend a great deal of time puttering around my house and yard, and playing with my dogs. And that's it. I have a few particular things that I have promised I will do/produce during my sabbatical but I think I can wrap in my artwork/website work to accomplish those assignments. COVID-19 has sort of given me an "out" to attending two conferences, which sounded good in my proposal but honestly, I don't enjoy travel that much compared with my colleagues and friends. I'll just stay home and watch the livestream!

After my sabbatical is over, I'm required to teach for at least one year (since they are giving me partial salary during my sabbatical). So that means I could decide to quit in 2 years, if I'm still feeling like this. That sort of forces me to avoid making any hasty decisions. I suppose I could also apply for a leave without pay for a year and give myself even MORE time to think it over before giving up my stable, well-paying, and flexible job.

Friday, May 29

125.6 lbs
I have gained about 5 pounds this spring. I'm not sure why - my eating and my exercise have been fairly consistent. I have added electrolytes daily (I don't log those) - about 2g of Na+ daily (with some K+ and Mg++ as well). I wonder if it could be mostly that. I feel physically good, and strong, so I'm trying not to overthink this. I also know that I lost a bunch of weight at the end of January (dog anxiety = no appetite), and I wonder if my body is just trying to store more fat right now as a rebound sort of thing. If that's the case, I need to just keep providing my body with lots of nutrient-dense foods and resting/destressing. Ha! Destressing! 3 weeks!

I have 4 hours left of paper-grading today. But of course that takes me all day (I graded one and then came on here, for example). The truth is even being efficient requires mental breaks with this type of work. So I think it will take me the whole day to finish. But then I can take all of tomorrow off from work.

I lose weight when I’m stressed too and it does usually end up coming back at least partially. I know you’re a shorty like me but I’m wondering if 125ish is actually a good weight for you. It would be a dream weight for me for sure. Besides the number on the scale, how do you feel? Comfortable? Healthy & fit? Are you in a clothes size that you feel good about? Anyway, you get to decide your weight goals but just make sure it’s not just about achieving a certain number on the scale without taking into account the rest. Been there, done that.

Put in reasonable, sustainable perimeters on your eating and exercise and then get on with the rest of your life.

You know, Linda, I'm not sure how I feel about my body. I think I feel bad. I've been mildly depressed from work, so it's probably affecting everything about my perception. What's a little scary is seeing the scale go up day after day even though my habits have not changed. My blood sugar has gone up a little too - both fasting and postprandials. My doc had said they might consider metformin for me if my diet and exercise wasn't enough to keep my blood sugars normal. So it might be time to consider a medication for my prediabetes.
My resting heart rate was 77(!!!!) for 2 days this week. Thankfully down to 73 today, which is still probably higher than virtually everyone I know, but better than 77.
I guess I'm discouraged about my body right now. That's why I thought your picture thing + keeping better track of my measurements might be a good idea, since when I look in the mirror I feel like I look flabby.

So I didn't QUITE finish my grading yesterday, but it only took a quick 30 minutes to wrap up this morning and I feel really good about spending the day getting some household chores done + reading. I'm reading a book called "The Imperative Habit". So far it's good. Oh, and recently I finished "The Courage To Be Disliked" and I really enjoyed that! It was fun style - a conversation between a young man and an older man.

I'm also re-reading Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution. He is ultra-strict, but he does motivate me to keep my blood sugars in careful check.

This sort of blip in my life does make me reflect on just how much depression/discouragement/stress can affect blood sugar regluation and the cardiovascular system.

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about your body right now. I’m sure your sabbatical will really help with reducing your stress, and hopefully with some of the other issues. The books you’re reading sound interesting!

124.4 pounds
Resting HR: 71 (this is huge improvement over the 77 I had 2 days last week.....)
FBG: 96mg/dL

The sun is out, I feel better this morning although time to hit the grading hard again and not really looking forward to that. Yesterday was a nice respite from the workload. In these books on happiness that I read, they always encourage us to just do what we love. Well, what happens when we agreed to do something (that we now regret - in this case, the excessive assignments I have to grade, lol) that we don't want to keep doing, but we made a commitment? Urgh. That's real life. I can't just tell my students they are done, can I? Haha, maybe they'd be happy to end their quarter early.

Auto, I am not the biology expert but I thought that I read that stress raises cortisol and can increase all the things you are noticing, blood sugar, weight, etc...

Maybe you are just really stressed out right now and its affecting your body regardless of your food and exercise?

Also how much power over the curriculum do you have as a teacher? I know one of my teachers changed our last 2 assignments to make them MUCH easier. Much less requirements than usual and much less resource intensive. He said that since we were in the middle of a pandemic and that people were struggling right now he just wanted to help us finish. In retrospect I guess it would have made our assignments easier to grade for him as well.

Could you do something like that or are you bound by requirements and things like that? I know you are teaching future nurses, and health professionals right? So maybe not.

Anyway, I hope you have a good day, and I am sorry that you are struggling right now.

Glad you took a day off and are feeling better. I really admire that you are so disciplined and work so hard to improve your health. It doesn’t seem fair that you should have to go on meds with all that you do but I hope you can be proud of yourself regardless.

Put in reasonable, sustainable perimeters on your eating and exercise and then get on with the rest of your life.

Thanks pinkie for the ideas! I have reduced some things for the biology majors, but you are right, the pre-health students really need to have a strong foundation. I feel I would be unfair to them to reduce much. That said, I am trying to make things as simple for all of us as we approach the end of the quarter.

And yes, theoretically I totally know that emotional stress can do awful things to our bodies. It's just fascinating to think that it is happening to MY body. I still don't feel like I have the right to feel stressed. I have a job, I get to work from home, I get to have the summer off and a sabbatical after that. Anyway, I think that I have a lot of "shoulds" about myself in my head. Tough to live with that little task-master in my head.

Linda, I think a new step in my journey might be to develop acceptance for my health just as it is. It's a challenge for me to not judge myself for not having perfect blood glucose!! (or compare with others, LOL, have you ever met anyone that says they are jealous of other people's blood glucose measurements, bwahahaha) Holy cow sometimes I see a flash of the extent of my perfectionism and it ain't pretty.

Yeah that is tough when they have to know certain things to advance and do a good job later.

You are like your own science experiment right now! You are doing everything the same but your numbers have changed. Maybe if you look at yourself like a curious scientist observing, rather than judging it will help make it easier for you.

I know anytime we say we "should" we are probably not being kind to ourselves. Should is a loaded word that makes us feel guilty and like a failure. I am a perfectionist as well so I KNOW how hard it is, but working on being kinder to yourself can really help I think.

You're getting close to the finish line! I'm sorry your blood glucose numbers aren't going down as you'd hoped. You have worked so hard and been so disciplined. Do you think the wine could be affecting your weight?