Tips for Seniors: How to Avoid Incarceration in a Nursing Home

Like most able-bodied, independent seniors, I’m surrounded by loving and supportive family members who are chomping at the bit to strip me of my dignity and lock me away in the most Draconian nursing home money can buy.

It may be because they’re worried about accidental falls, could be an issue of deteriorating health or it might just be payback for not buying them a damned pony when they were eight – but whatever the reason, young people today are constantly on the lookout for opportunities to lock us oldsters away and we need to be on guard.

In an effort to help my senior brethren, I’m providing the following 5 simple strategies to deter your children from pulling the family rug out from under you, rolling your body up in it and then dropping it off in the lobby of the nearest Super 8 Seniors Lodge.

1. Don’t Buy the Propaganda

Note: Actual Staff Do Not Smile and May Attempt to Kill You

Your kids are likely to begin their campaign by presenting you with all manner of glossy brochures filled with pictures of happy seniors potting geraniums, eating pudding and breathing independently. Don’t buy it for a damned moment!

Despite the slick packaging and promises of active living these homes are nothing but second rate hell holes staffed with disgruntled nursing-school dropouts and misfits deemed too dangerous to even work with farm animals.

They’re havens for abuse, neglect and cruel disregard for the dignity of old folks. In fact, the only difference between a nursing home and prison is that in a nursing home you don’t get an orange jumpsuit, won’t be asked to join a gang and have a marginally slimmer chance of being sexually violated.

Don’t believe the brochures! Don’t read them, don’t look at them and don’t allow them into your home.

2. Never Sign Anything!

If subtle nudging doesn’t work you can expect your children to start stuffing legal papers under your nose and expressing an interest in helping to manage your affairs in the “unfortunate event” that you become incapacitated and unable to do so on your own.

It's a Trap!

I call it a familial phishing scam. They lure you in with promises of financial security in exchange for access to your personal information but as soon as you hand it over the gloves come off and they strip you clean, pick you dry and move on to the next gullible relative with white hair, a plump bank account and a trusting nature.

Bear in mind that the average length of time between signing a power of attorney form and finding your ass strapped to a gurney and shipped to the Nurse Ratched Home for the Aged is about 12 damned minutes.

If you absolutely feel you need to sign legal papers consider getting a restraining order instead – your ungrateful clan can’t act against you if they aren’t allowed within 200 feet of your home.

3. Never Complain About Your Health

Telling your family you’ve had a dizzy spell or a bout of impetigo is nothing more than an open invitation to a court-ordered incarceration. Complain about communists, complain about the weather, complain about the quality of Marmaduke cartoons but wherever possible keep your hip replacement surgery or triple bypass a closely guarded secret. They can smell weakness.

If you absolutely need to get to hospital take public transit under cover of darkness and in some manner of disguise. The number one reason that so many seniors spend three days lying injured on the basement floor isn’t because they couldn’t reach the phone, it’s because they were smart enough to know that calling their daughter for assistance was a one way ticket to God’s waiting room.

4. Never Let Them Know Your Net Worth

Like most seniors, I’ve stashed away almost every penny I’ve ever earned and could buy and sell my children if I was so inclined (or if the law would allow it). But I’m careful not to spread that piece of information around.

Keep it in your pants

If your children think you have money they’ll either want to lock you up so they can get their filthy paws on it, or out of fear that you might spend it yourself. Either way – it’s best to keep up the pretence of comfortable impoverishment.

Don’t be flashing cash or boasting about the quarter million you have stuffed in your Sealy Posturepedic. Keep your diet, attire and mode of transportation understated. Nothing drives a young person battier than seeing their old parents buying expensive marmalade, brand name dentures or generally attempting to enjoy the money they worked 60 years to save.

5. Get The Dirt on Them

Chances are that at some point most members of your extended family have considered you ineffectual and useless enough to speak freely about their problems in your presence. They’ll just have assumed you’ve forgotten or are too brain-addled to understand and make use of the information.

It’s a last ditch effort and fraught with risk but if you have knowledge that your daughter-in-law is a promiscuous hussy who’s seen more rubber than an interstate freeway, blackmail may be your get out of jail free card when the gaggle of relatives gather to plan where to stash your remains.

While there are no guarantees to your ongoing independence, I hope these tips may help. Remember, stay vigilant, stay strong and above all else, stay free for as long as you damned well can.

Advertisements

Push Don Around:

Related

Good advice, Mr. Mills! This is what I have heard from seniors who were hoodwinked by their children when I visit them on campaign trips to nursing homes. I am working on getting voting booths in nursing homes so they don’t have to take the bus to the community center in town to vote.

In addition to voting booths, I think they’d also benefit from windows, fresh food, staff screening and a small pub (if you’re going to be sent up the river you might as well be able to drown your damned sorrows now and again).

oh my God! Too funny! I will be sure to remember these pointers when I reach the age of when I have to worry. I was going to send this post to my mother, but then she may avoid me for a long time if I do. Actually, I just might send this to my mother (HAHA). My father does not have to worry about us doing this to him because he has one of those huge motor-homes now and spends his time traveling the southern states in the winter and the mid region parts of B.C. in the summer. No one knows where he is ever! Good for him!

Your father sounds like a wise fellow. I used to change my name and move house every 4 to 6 months in order to stay one step ahead of my family – but no matter what I did they always managed to track me down.

Thanks for visiting. And please extend my best to both of your parents.

It has always seemed to me that nursing homes are either full of neglect or home to medical practitioners that make Dr. Mengele look gentle. Either way, “assisted living” only assists your living relatives in stashing you away while they ransack your home and bank accounts. Good thing you’ve kept your faculties, sir.

They’re nasty places – of that I have no doubt. I’ll try to hold onto my faculties for as long as I can but I’m also investing in deadbolts, razorwire and louisville sluggers. When they do come to get me, I don’t plan to go down without a fight.

A very kind offer and I’ll certainly keep it in mind. You should know, however, that I’m told I’m not the easiest person to live with. I can send you my technical rider under separate cover. It goes into considerable detail about things like how much butter I expect to see on my raisin toast, acceptable noise levels, the type of rye I drink and minimum bathroom access requirements.

Yes, most excellent. Works wonders when one signs “Restrictions Apply” in place of ones name, crosses out sections of the document being signed, insists on having a lawyer take a looksee before signing a credit card receipt.
This virtually assures people won’t try to pull a fast one over you.
Very good advice!
Your friend in suspicion,
Polish Spring

be ever vigilant! 😯 if the kids say they want to take you for a ride, and they stop at a building, look for empty cartons that at one time held cans of ensure. that’s a dead giveaway that the place is an old-age home. always have the scooter fully charged so they can’t catch you as you haul ass down the street.

Wise words. My rule of thumb is that if the family wants to go for a drive me with me I flat out refuse. Either that or I demand they let me drive – that usually foils their plans and shuts them the hell up fast.

Good thought too on the escape scooter. I’ll have to look into that in case they pull the battery out of my LeSabre.

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the nursing home. “How are you grandpa? he
asks.

“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”

“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I
go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving a
95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a
cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed.”
——————————————-
Good times, Don good times.
This is gmom sending out a big ole hug to you.
When they get your butt in a nursing home you drop gmom a line.
The boys and I will spring you.

A very humorous joke – made all the more so by the hilarious notion of food, medication and family visitors! Have you ever seen a car in a visitors parking area at a nursing home? It’s a rare occurrence and when they are there they’ve generally left the engine running.

I truly appreciate the offer of help should I ever find myself incarcerated. If I’m denied access to a telephone, just look for the outline of a cardigan sweater beamed into the evening sky. That will be my distress signal.

Great post as always Mr. Mills, and full of valuable information. I would never dream of throwing either of my parents into a nursing home because I have seen first hand what a filthy, scum ridden communist-run gulag a nursing home really is. I know this because I put my in-laws in one.

I trust all is well on your side of the planet and that you’re in good health and spirits.

The trick is to make sure that your children DO NOT pick your nursing home. In my experience, they’re going to less concerned with the quality of care and more concerned with calculating how much their inheritance will decrease with each month that you continue to live.

As for dentures, I think you’ll find there is a brisk dental underground for budget conscious seniors. In fact, it wasn’t that long ago that I sold attempted to sell a set on Ebay. Unfortunately, no nibbles.

Hmm. And here I was worrying about how it would be if my parents decided they had to live with me, since they sure as hell would never live in a nursing home — there isn’t one in existence that has room for all the stuff they have managed to accumulate during their 63 years together. And which they REFUSE to do anything about; they are just going to leave it all in a big pile for us to deal with when they finally go to the great nursing home in the sky.

I have to admit I share your parent’s penchant for holding on to things. It would take a small army the better part of a week to clear out my basement. Still, when the time comes, they can all just consider it a giant treasure hunt – without the actual treasure of course. Still, they might stumble upon one or two small items of interest and certainly more than a handful of surprises and shocks!

I don’t know if I’d move in with family. It took me long enough to get rid of them. Somehow, though, I don’t see them offering.

This is such a timely and well thought out advice in another excellent post, Mr. Mills.
I am printing and posting copies of this page on every surface of the local Real Adult* gathering place. It’s a lovely bakery where each chair is occupied by a respectable Real Adult. Every one will do well to keep vigilant in face of the crafty relatives.
*Real Adults are people well advanced in their wisdom, say solid made folk with over 75 years of wear and tear on them

I do feel necessity to add it is never too early to start implementing the strategy. One can not predict just how soon one will need protection against imprisonment of a nursing home, hospital.. Myself having to sign myself out of a hospital twice before age of 30, i believe it’s only prudent to watch out for the “well meaning” ones.

The “well meaning” ones are without question the most dangerous. They bring you a pie, make you a cup of tea, have to sign a document and then the next thing you know there is an ambulance parked outside and they’re rifling through your silverware and calling real estate agents.

I have a little different take on this subject and maybe it’s because I helped my parents live independently until their death. This is what my days were like for the last 6 months of my mothers 83 years. Get my family off to work and school, go to my part time job for an hour, go and make breakfast for my mother and care for her morning needs, go home and do my own things, go to work for 2 hours, go and get lunch for my mother, go home and get my dinner going for my family, go back to get my mother dinner and the last trip was at 10 pm for night meds and nighty night. My dad was alive, they did get Meals on Wheels but mom’s diet was a little different. When mother died my dad lived alone, having dinner with us and us keeping a close eye on him. So he wouldn’t have to go out in the cold, I made sure he had food that he didn’t have to even heat up, I didn’t want him near the stove. Poor judgment on an icy day caused him to have a car accident, he wasn’t seriously hurt nor was anyone else but seeing it was time for his monthly blood transfusion plus he had a cold, he was in the hospital for a couple of days. Seeing it was January with the cold and snow I asked his Dr if it would be possible for him to stay in the nursing home until at least spring. I know Dad didn’t like the loss of his independence but did appreciate the security and care of professional caring people. He died three months shy of his 91 birthday.

I will never burden my children with my care when the day comes I cannot care for myself. They deserve to have a life of their own and with their families. I would like every one to think twice about having your children care for you. Remember you will always be the parent and they will always be their child.

Nice of you to stop in. I doubt you’ve been able to throw your mother off the trail that easily. Parents – regardless of their age – generally have good instincts when it comes to uncovering their children’s attempts at subterfuge.

If those five do not help – a shotgun will. Yeah, if a kid wants to send you to one of those institution, even if you did not buy him a pony, this is what they deserve. Even if it is a toy one, for scare 🙂

Yeah, anybody who is considering sending their old folks away should read Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. Made me cry, cry and then again cry.

If you do not want to live at livelaughloveliquor’s full time, you are welcome to spend some with us too!

In my family the “retirment home” arose because the ‘children’ are now 70+ and retired themselves. Life expectancy has become so extended that what used to be 5 to 10 years of helping out your parents is now 20 to 30 years. When the carers are “elderly” themselves, they should be the ones being looked after and enjoying their retirement, not still looking after someone else; hence the role of the home. Thoughts?

I’m not actually suggesting that in every case it’s appropriate or necessary for children to care for their aging parents. And I recognize that there are no easy answers to caring for individuals who need supports to daily living.

My point was more that I’d like to have a voice in any decision-making process that affects me. I’d suggest that seniors start planning more actively for their long-term needs. We all seem hell bent on pre-planned funerals and buying funeral plots – we may be wise to give equal attention to where we want to end up if are no longer able to care for ourselves.

Nice to know there are decent folks out there will to take in a senior on the run from his family, I appreciate it.

The shotgun is a risky approach but I fully agree that one needs to do whatever is required in order to maintain their freedom. Before resorting to violence, however, I always recommend guile and cunning. Or, if that fails, consider faking your own death, getting a new identity and moving to Florida. It’s a haven for us seniors.

Yeah, they are your kids after all. Would not want to harm them in any way.

The sad thing is, people are too willing to send their aging relatives to the nursing home. They have plenty of excuses to do this – it is safer, it is better, blah, blah, blah,blah… The truth is – it is easier.
We told our parents that they can come live with us any time and we also promised not to put them on any diet, control their coffee intake and such. We keep telling our kid, that he is not to give us any diet products or hide any alcohol from us when the time comes. Hopefully, we will manage to say it enough times, so he does not think anything else is an option.

Or you can do what I did. Have children spread over such a wide age range none of them are sure which generation is which. I acquired younger ones through marriage – very convenient.

The other option of course is to spend some of that 250K in the mattress on plastic surgery, so your children forget how old you are. In fact, done well enough, some might mistake your children for your parents if you are lucky.

Remember too that grey power is growing – more and more of us, so perhaps we have a chance of getting a Bll introduced in parliament to afford better protection in our later years from cash strapped juveniles!

Interesting suggestions. I’m not sure I’d fancy the notion of managing more than one gaggle of kids but if having multi-generational offspring throws them off track for even a moment it may be worth the pain.

I’m also torn on the notion of plastic surgery. Personally, I find the whole notion abhorrent and can’t understand for a moment why someone would want to erase the markings of age or try to rearrange the parts they were born with. I prefer the low-tech approach of false glasses and a paste on moustache.

Your final, point, however is one I can get completely behind. I think it’s time we older folks exercise our collective (albeit slight atrophied) muscle and started demanding better protection and services.

I’m with you on the pastic surgery – not sure I’d ever really go there. I’ve had major surgery and it isn’t fun! There are always risks attached to surger and really, I like to keep away from it unless it is necessary.

I like your approach to the idea. I see any indication of time like army stripes – I earned them getting here and am proud to have made it further than a lot of people do!

Smart and fun take on a such an important topic. Care for our elderly is a growing concern. Personally, I have been troubled by how disposable people are in America if they are not making money: the elderly & mothers, children. Our children seem to hold little value until they make money and as you point out the elderly hold little value until they can pass on their money.

The neglect in the children is — well, you know — serious! I fear that the neglect of the elderly in the next 20 years or so will be at crisis levels if we don’t make inconvenient cultural and economic changes.

Well, that is my soapbox comment on the issue as a whole. You sound like a man in good health and I hope a family member could be depended upon to help you in the future. I would be bothered too if my family presented me with choices for “god’s waiting room”. They can be very dismal places.

A very fine point. It does indeed seem that more and more people in our country are being deemed “disposable.” It’s a very sad commentary and I agree that if we don’t change our thinking soon we’ll be facing a very serious crisis.

In a stunning breach of Super Humor Blogger protocol, Pegoleg reveals her true identity – that of a mild mannered insurance agent. One with a decidedly un-hip fervor for long-term care insurance as a way to avoid the nursing home.

That way, you can afford the succession of $20-per-hour nurses aides you may need in your relative-proof stronghold.

Donning cape and cowl anew to resume the fight for yucks, grins and the American Way!

Insurance? I never would have guessed. And with cape and cowl no less!

I’ve always believed in planning for the future (hence the healthy account balance at the First National Bank of Sealy Posturepedic). The trick, however, is in making sure that your relatives don’t try to steal your nest egg before you get a chance to put the money into play.

Mr. Mills,
Thanks for that opportunity to understand the feelings of a senior person about being sent to old age home. I have taken a decision to call my parents more often and to do everything to make their lives comfortable and easy.
And I am sure no one could throw out homorous person like you. I pray for your good health. And from the comments I understand there are so many readers to support you. That is the power of your words.

1. Does this promiscuous daughter-in-law of yours have a (preferably younger) sister? Or better yet, a daughter? I’m asking for a friend of mine. (Probably SM.)

2. The restraining order does work to a certain extent. However, if they can’t get to you to get you into a home, they’ll just meet you halfway (approx. 100 yards) by sending a live-in caretaker to make sure you feel like the uncooperative child they think you are (albeit an uncooperative child of a highly advanced age, most likely sleeping on a bed stuffed with money). Once again, I am not speaking from first-hand experience, but it’s just something I heard could be done to “soften” them up for the inevitable relocation.

I’m afraid I haven’t kept very close track of my offspring’s procreative activities so I really can’t tell you if she has a daughter, a granddaughter or anything else. In fact, I’m not even entirely sure that I have a daughter-in-law to begin with. In any case, if any ladies do show up at my door I’ll be sure to send them your way.

Listen, you bastard, I’ll have you know I am not remotely an ageist. I am not ashamed to say I will hit any “that” that I find attractive (and properly consents) be they Grandma, Granddaughter or anything in between.

Sure, there’s an attractiveness Bell Curve at work, but unlike the Birthers, I ain’t dismissing anybody just because I don’t like something on their birth certificate.

Funny article Donald. I took notes. Gives credence to the old saying, “Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.” I use to visit my mother religiously every day at her nursing home in Queens, NY after work. I did this for about 3 years with only one day missed to attend a funeral. It’s like a warehouse for unwanted discarded old people. The sad thing is there were about 80 patients on my mother’s floor, and aside from myself and two other regulars, none of them ever had any visitors. Even on weekends. It was really sad. Say No To Nursing Homes.

When I was a youngster in my teens, I had a paper route….even though I am a girl. One stop was the local nursing home. It smelled like literal sh*t. None of the old folks ever had visitors. I used to stop and talk to the old folks and they were most grateful, knowledgeable and kind. I swear I will never end up like that. I can see my obituary now: “89 year old lady with terminal cancer, with bad eye sight, accidentally walked out in front of a bus in the rain – dead on arrival at the local hospital.”. LOL. I will never, ever, go to one of those nursing homes unless I had a stroke and had lost my faculties.

Love your take on things. Good to know – not that I’ll have any money when I’m “old”. I’m working on staying healthy so I can run . . . but then I guess poor elderly relatives don’t have a problem with family trying to put them away. What’s the point if there is no money in the pot?

I would ask Scott what he understands Power of Attorney to be? His last sentence tells that he doesn’t fully understand…will he be able to sign any documents while on his death bed?

Your blog seems to want your participants to be entertained…unfortunately care of the elderly is not a subject to be played with. What are you saying about the thousands of professional, caring health care workers? What a shame you have such a low opinion.

I’m afraid I have to disagree. I respect your views but I see no issue in “playing with” the subject of care for the elderly. In my view, it’s certainly preferable to not speaking about it at all. I have no doubt there are thousands of professional, caring health workers out there. I also know that there are thousands of horrible institutions where people are warehoused and treated quite poorly. Does that mean that all should close? Likely no. Does that mean we should be paying some damned attention and doing something about it. In my opinion the answer is yes.

To be clear, all jokes aside, my low opinion is not so much of people who work in nursing homes as it is of the society that would allow any one of those homes to operate at standards we’d find unfit for animals.

First of all, not being disrespectful, but you in no way have set my teeth on edge. You are correct in saying there is, in some facilities poor care and that should and must be addressed BUT I feel you are saying every senior care facility is bad and that is not true.

This might set your teeth on edge but there is abuse of the elderly in the care of their families and what does it all come down to? Money money money…lets let mom or dad, gram or gramps live with us…we’ll can use the extra money that the ‘home ‘ would be getting and there might even be some left.

I mean, what the hell is the point of killing your mother when she could have died on her own at any minute. Killing her after putting up with her for 74 years? If you’re going to kill a parent, you should do it as a teenager (Young Offender if possible) and have a life to look forward to when you get out.

Don, what are your thoughts on these men? Could they not died the death they did had they been cared for in a nursing facility?

“GRANT – The 61-year-old dementia patient who was missing for up to 10 hours early today has died in the hospital after authorities found him inside a small structure near his home, authorities said.

Kenneth Smith was found about 9:30 a.m. by state police troopers who were in a helicopter and involved in the massive search for the missing man.

Family members told police that the man left his 9788 S. Poplar Ave. residence between midnight and 5 a.m. today.”

“Missing man found dead less than 2 miles from home (12:32 pm) – Carlsbad Current Argus
2011
02.22

“Missing man found dead less than 2 miles from home (12:32 pm)
Carlsbad Current Argus
Fanning went missing from his residence just south of Carlsbad at 9 pm on Feb. 11. He suffered from Alzheimer’s and a heart condition and was considered an endangered missing person prior to Monday, because of his mental and physical ailments.”

You’ve misread or misinterpreted what I said, I did not use or refer to ‘families’ this is what I wrote ‘I know Dad didn’t like the loss of his independence but did appreciate the security and care of professional caring people”. That was in reference to those who cared for him and many others 24 hours a day at the nursing home.

Wow. This is getting weird. I suppose this kind of thing happens all the time on the interwebs, I just am in some sort of bubble or something. My comment was in no way directed at you, Mr. Mills, but rather, to the people who would respond to the issues you raise with defensiveness and anger. Honestly, I don’t understand the point of their anger.

In any case, Mr. Clooney is, for the moment, safe. I hear that the most recent Dr. Who is quite dishy, so perhaps I shall put that series on my Netflix queue. Oh, the modern world we live in…

He’s still very much alive and does a lot of voice-over/narration work and the odd guest spot on British TV & film. I suspect that, as in the past, it’s all about having fun. He turned down Lord of Rings because re-locating to New Zealand for so long would be too much like work.

Really?
Every Nursing Home and Every Assisted Living and Every Senior Living Community portrays the image you declare ?
Do you wish a change to a fictional solution like “Boomsday”… or perhaps a better tome would be “Jimi Hendrix Turns Eighty”?
Are you turning your fears of infantilization on the caregivers and the industry, or is your advice a “King Lear” attempt to force fear to assert your wishes?
Are these nursing school “failures” are the enemy ?

Let me go and see my staff.. nope accomplished students, averaging 13 plus years in the field, with 10 years of vocation to the community. I shared your blog and “suggestions” to the community and the comments from these so-called prisoners have words they wish to share with you, but decorum prevents me from sharing.

I agree that following generations and federal and state regulations draft concepts that focus on surplus safety over quality of life and freedom.. but not in every case.

Rage on, dear sir; your voice an opinion has has been heard. Stay stead fast to blogging.. or perhaps turn your voice into action and change your ragism to sagism… and aid in finding solutions to make things better in those places you seem to despise so much…

And it’s funny how often they share the same pleasant-sounding yet ominous name. The Palisades, for example, is the name of a nuclear power plant, a nursing home and a mental health centre. It’s not quite as ominous as the more classic “Forest Oaks” but it still gives me the willies.

dear don, really enjoyed this post. so funny.i hope nursing homes are not as bad as you make them sound. elders definitely do not deserve to end up there unless its some nursing home on the beach in caribbean. at least thats the one id like to go to when im old 🙂

I think the Caribbean nursing home is an interesting idea. The current resorts already have a fair bit in common with nursing homes – they’re all inclusive, have on-site medical staff and people only leave the grounds on organized excursions.

Looks like you touched a little nerve on this topic, eh Don? As usual, your post was very funny and witty in that inimitable and perfect curmudgeon style of yours. I’m glad you’ve ‘un-retired’ from the Shady Rest and returned to the internet.

My dad (an un-spry 80 yr old who shows increasingly poor judgement as the years progress) has lived in an apartment in our home for about 15 years, for better or worse. I suppose that if he had two legs instead of one that he’d still be living on his own. He’s that kind of guy. He’s probably got the will written and stashed between the pages of one of his books, but whatever he’s got to leave us after croaking (as he refers to dying) is already in both our names.

This is an undeniably sad business- this aging, decaying, and dying, but people like you seem to be able to fight that sadness effectively. Your ‘crabby’ humor is a wonderful denial of decay. You have embraced this ‘modern’ medium of blogging and Facebook and brought along a viewpoint not often found amongst these pages. So thank you for that sir!

As for our strategy, having become grandparents quite recently, my wife had the good sense to get our daughter the pony when she was 8. And we hope to grow old without the decay and descent into lonely dementia. Wish us luck!

I sure hope more nursing homes install common room computers for residents to surf, blog, etc. Seriously. The next wave of seniors will be different it terms of what they want to do with your time. So make sure you sneak in your laptop ….so you can blog “missiles” and general funny stuff. 🙂

Many people increasingly, do not have children. Maybe the next post you should do soon is about retirement communities. I don’t know why healthy seniors want to live there. Sounds confining to be surrounded by people in same generation..who will die pretty soon anyway.

I’m sure give your humour, you might also find something jaundiced to say about the retired folks that I know, including my partner who will turn 68 soon ….they spend their days biking alot. That’s the other end of the spectrum.

I’ve thought about writing on the retirement homes and communities. I know a number of folks who live in them (in the senior housing spectrum they fall into the minimum security category). I was contemplating a guide for seniors considering making the move (what to look for and what to avoid!).

I’ve long suggested that nursing homes and retirement homes should start ramping up (excuse the accessibility pun) for the next wave of oldsters and installing wireless networks. I’m not sure if any have caught on yet but I suspect it is only a matter of time.

The next wave of seniors is broke from a lifetime of overspending and over-consumption. They can’t afford to pay for the pampered treatment they’ve demanded their whole lives and will be demanding even after being put away in a nursing home to die.

Maybe, just maybe, they’ll be told “no” for the first time in their lives.

What the hell are you taking abot Dipwade? Dracons are made up, like in, made up books abouts nights who carried swords in soots of amor. Theres no such thing. dracons to were made up in books. You shuld reed one somtime. I bet your farts squuek. I stoppped reeding after that you make me laugh my buddy Scott Hamelton once dated miss nude hawai plus he works in the government as a janiter and he says old pepole come into it all day and are ragging outt about crap and asking whwre the can is but you never talk about that because first you tell us to not complain then you say we complain to much. Cant you make up your mind.

I haven’t forgotten about you lad – I just can’t seem to get any further than your first sentence. As soon as I have the strength, I’ll be back to respond. I think the time has come for us to have a heart to heart.

Sir, I don’t want to tip my hand, but my knowledge of nursing homes is probably not all that dissimilar to your knowledge of Canada. Let me say you’re not far off the mark, especially about criminal conduct on the part of relatives. Although, you are off in one way.

In fact, the only difference between a nursing home and prison is that in a nursing home you don’t get an orange jumpsuit, won’t be asked to join a gang and have a marginally slimmer chance of being sexually violated.

Maybe it’s due to Blue Steel, but considering all the immobility, the risk of broken hips and such, there’s a HELL of a lot of sex going on in nursing homes. Much of it makes Age of Consent laws look like they’re being applied to the wrong age demographic. Albeit for different reasons, just like teenagers, most of these folks don’t even remember who’ve they’ve slept with, or even if they consented.

Great stuff! Unless a doctor said there was no other option, we do everything to keep my grandma at home. Once that time comes for my parents, it will be the same. I remember visiting a great aunt at one of these institutions, she could barely speak after a stroke, but she clearly repeated “home”. It was so sad, my mom told me after wards she refuses to be sent to one of those places.

Tongue in cheek with mamy too true comments…I am carer to my elderly dad and would like to add children are not the only vultures! My uncles are desperate to get their grubby paws on our family home and would have dad in a nursing home tomorrow and me on the street…so watch out ! Kids looking after elderly parents can be harrassed by older relatives, sad to say.

Well written and very funny, you ol’ son-of-a-#*#*#. You have to watch those bastards in those nursing homes ………… they use to force feed a buddy of mine a quarter of a viagra a day. Why only a quarter you ask? So he wouldn’t pee on his shoes.

Dear Don,
I desperately wish my mother was as coherent and as spry as you seem to be:-( I am trying to keep her in her own home and am being harrassed by other family members who “you know what YOU should do” yet don’t want to help. She just wants to die at home like my dad did almost 13 years ago but she has cerebral vascular dementia. It’s killing me being the only caregiver. I’m constantly afraid of what I will find if I leave her alone and my teen daughter is starting to hate me over the time sort there. In the back of my mind I’ve even considered” accidentally Od’ing” on my nerve pills so my stupid brother and sister will help me. I don’t want to make her leave our family home. It won’t sell in this economy and I know she’d hate wherever she went. Because you see I worked as a CNA in the worst nursing home in town and quit my RN training over it years ago. So
Although you meant it jokingly yes
Caring for my mom she has had to give me money because I had to step out of management and my training to become a
Hair coloring teacher, and can only work around 20 hours a week. Thank god I’m fairly talented and have over 20 years experience
And
Can leave if she pushes her life alert. The way the job situations are I’m lucky to have one that is so lenient.
Good luck Don
And please
If you folks could
Pray for me
I feel I’m at a breaking point. I don’t think I could cry anymore if I wanted to.

I think this is the most ridiculous paranoid thing I’ve ever read. It sounds like something my grandmother would write and she has lost her mind. She is violent,depressed,addicted to pain meds,paranoid.She refuses to get help and she needs it terribly.Not all nursing homes are a nightmare. Yes elders should be better taken care of in some but do you stop and think about how some of these elders treat the staff? It goes both ways, and I’m so sorry you feel this way towards your family when I’m sure they just want to help,it sounds like you need it. Not all youngsters are money hungry,like me,i just want my gma to get help.

Sometimes able-bodied, independent seniors become disabled, dependent seniors who do not realize they need help.

When they start seeing strange men in their house, drinking bleach accidentally, misplacing large amounts of money, and heating up empty tea kettles – all while claiming they still have their faculties – well, somebody’s gotta do something to prevent them from harming themselves and others.

And yes, I do recognize the humor of your post. Guess it’s not a good day for me as I’m trying to figure out how to help my relative who has been diagosed with Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know she has it. Doesn’t even remember what the doctor told her. She needs to be in a safe environment, but at the moment is rejecting the nursing home. Last week she was willing to go. I wish she would come and live with me.

It is unacceptable to believe that everyone would do so. I just promised my father in Law that he is welcome into our home and we would never put him in a nursing home. Most of the above article is assuming the worse and is very cynical. I found it too one sided.
in response to 1- Propaganda there are out there some very good nursing home but many people can’t afford them. It is unfair to brush all workers as dropout of nursing home. 2_ Never sign anything . Yes and no, sign to someone trust worthy. A power of attorney carry some major liability and requires the POA to protect the signee. Yes things can go wrong but sometimes it is necessary. 3- Never complain about your health. A good way to get hurt and suffer more. A good way to become a true vegetable or a true burden by hiding your health problems. You should share and ask for help. 4- Never tell them your net worth. Why did the person save the money? To be able to afford around the clock help in their old age if necessary and be comfortable. Most people that save want to pass it onto their children. 5- Get dirt on them. What an awful views of in-laws and relatives. It you have to resort to Blackmail then you are no better then the supposed hoe that you wish to blackmail.
I disliked most of the article. It is appropriate to be on you guard but to expect the worse of everyone is a very bad lesson to spread.

Hmmmm a lot of posts. Some filled with humor. Some sting with truth. I don’t know who will read this but heres my story. I promised my grandmother she would NEVER go to a nursing home. Little did I know there would still lots of shuffling to hospitals, rehab stints, and then back home….iShe was ill and needed care for 12 years. I would like to know how many of the people posting (including the original) have fed, bathed, pampered, dealt with dementia, wandering, screaming, sleepless nights, losing relationships, jobs, self esteem all the while to ensure a promise. I did. She died in my arms. Did I do the right thing? I fulfilled my promise, and spent a great deal and lost a great deal.(yes not only jobwise….because family medical leave only coversfor so long but also what should have been some of the best years of my life) At one point I remember thinking God take one of us…soon..and I don’t care which one! I was spent emotionally financially etc. It only takes a village to raise a child. It takes an army to care for an adult parent that reverts into childlike state due to dementia or Alzheimers. If ANYONE thinks they CAN do it and maintain any sense of normal life, I’d like to see it.
After that, I moved but maintained very frequent visits as Grandpas health started declining too. , I met my partner. Guess what, his mother got dementia and his sister shipped her to us! One year after grandmas death….that has been four years now…….And here I am today (no lie) pondering through websites on nursing home skilled care because yipeehiohiay….Grandpa tried to pill your stint of never telling us anything was ever wrong (falls, forgetfulness, etc) and he was quite good at covering it too. He just got out of carpal tunnel surgery, but guess what? Had a stroke and is batshit crazy combative and thinks I am wearing “a presidential robe.” He has voiced his opinion that he NEVER wants to go to a home too.
i want to ask all you old men out there, NOT wanting to go to a home……lying to your families, hiding things, making sure it will be difficult to plan for any long term care for you…..Have you ever done it all? Down to the ass wiping while you get bitched at when all you want to do is show your parent how much you love them? Well I have, and there is only so much money, time, and effort left in this 40 something year olds body and willpower. So heres a bif FAt TIP for you…….dont wanna go to a home? Stay on top of your long term healthcare plans/insurance policies, pick out your at home healthgivers and have that money ready to go….because there will not BE enough family love left inside me after gma, mother inlaw, now granda, and then….mom and dad too! i cant afford it financially emotionally or physically! (And that means keeping you at home…not even IN a nursing home!)
Yes, Im bitter, bitter that goa expected me to give up so much to keep a blind demented woman happy even though she was half gone 90percent of the time. Did they help raise me? Yes…but they could also spank me and send me to my room! Try that shit with an older parent (tongue in cheek) I do not vare how sweet Christian and mild mannered well intending you are…..THE ROADto hell is paved with good intentions. ive done it and am still doing it.
Tell you what, all you youngsters that want to promise your elders youll not let them go to a home…..start now. Get your degree, become a nurse, cna, dr and work at a nursing home….because then you can have your parent there with you daily and at least get PAID while you are doing it, so hou can PAY someone else to do it under your watchful eye, so you at LEASt keep some sanity and can get some sleep)……..instead of constantly losing your funds and energy and mind all at the same time.
Oh, but you know there is always that old silver lining…Theres a CROWN in HEAVEN for me! Well lets sure as hell hope so, because when Ive fulfilled my obligations to all my family (with much thanks to medical advancements….iepeople living LONGER ….but still not with better quality of lives….) I have decided it best to go ahead and shoot myself……However, I may not have enough $for a gun…or the energy to pull the trigger.
Caring for family since 1999
My age (real) 42……(feels like) 67
How old is my mother? 62 You do the math….guess whose up next….
My advice? Reread my post here (knowing im too tired to write it all out in great detail)……my story….Infer what you will. Tonight I have picked the best place for my grandfather. I will visit daily…I will oversee his care…not just leave him there. i will see he gets to go to HiS HOME and be in HIS HOME visiting HS CAT as much as possible and that all family times for him are comforting and loving…I will maintain his house, animals, etc all while doing my own obligations too…..but this time I am NOT doing it all at the expense of nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown just because I think hed be better off at home.I know better.

My mom is in western maryland hospital and a nurse is tri king her into not getting a trake and dying. I need help. She is sick with pnumonia and not her self I just want her better. Her name is Deborah Metcalfe. She loves life and her home v what’s this nurse trying to do. Please help

Hey- you forgot to mention wives wanting to stick you in a nursing home. Especially the ones who are 22 years younger than you and thought you would have croaked years ago. This is the scene in my world where my Dad is being jerked around by my step monster. If she succeeds in ditching him in some God forsaken place I am going to spring him and hopefully not get arrested for trying to give my Dad a dignified ending to his life story. He is too prideful to admit that she is scum but it won’t be long before she moves him and the last trace of her is the sight of her enormous backside running out of the place.

These thoughts cross all our minds as we grow older. Terrible to be helpless and dependent on others, who may not have your best interests in mind.
. I love your blog, always brings a smile or a chuckle. Thank you, Don.

I understand your fear , anger and frustration with substandard nursing homes and care givers. I would not want my parents in that situation. That being said I’m going to take a risk and tell you that I have both volunteered and worked ( at very low wages) in both assisted and nursing homes as well as taking care of aging family members ( for free) for a good part of my life. This entire week I sacrificed my sleep, skipped meals and worked 18 hour shifts to not only ensure the safety of a dementia patient, but to genuinely care for and about him. I did more than make his bed, and make sure he was fed and clean. I sing his favorite songs, played checkers and cards with him. ( Games I paid for myself and brought in, because insurance doesn’t pay for that kind of stuff.) I listened to him and got to know him. I brought him his hot tea and honey when he was scared. Even though I was exhausted both mentally and physically after working 16 hours already… yesterday in the middle of the night, in fact was about 1 o’clock in the morning.. I helped him write a letter to his legal guardian to express that he wanted to have his rights as an individual protected. I go above and beyond what my crappy paying ” job” requires, because I value this patient. It may sound corny but I see him as a friend. Even on the days his dementia causes him to be combatitive or verbally abusive, I see through all that to his heart. I CARE!!!! If I did not enjoy being a caregiver I guarantee you I would not be working for the crappy pay that they give me because I have many skills and talents. I do want to go back to school to work as an Occupational Therapy Assistant but I am currently waiting on funding. I love caring for both elders and mental health patients.( I have been blessed to have been trained by dementia practitioners as well as a neurologist so that I can better understand my patients and meet their needs .)Some of us do care, please know that. I’m not a drop out, or lazy. I treat each patient the way I would want to be treated. Having said all this, it is my parents wish to remain on their five acres in Idaho and not going to a nursing home. When that time comes I have already promised and planned on following through with being their caregiver as long as I possibly can so that they can stay in their home. I don’t want their money . I’ve never cared about that kind of thing. My parents are loving and taught me to be non materialistic and care about other people. I have a feeling my parents will probably leave any kind of inheritance to charity and I am very happy if they do that because it will be a legacy of their caring about their community, and I don’t care a rat’s ass about that money. Their finances are their business and I am NOT here to control my parents. I realize that different families have a unique dynamic and there may be some hurt feelings or even some abuses within families with elders.. but not every family is like that. There are also times where especially someone with dementia is not safe to stay in their own home and they need to be in a special facility with skilled nursing. I have seen elders who are not being taken care of at home and cannot take care of themselves in the end up dying from dehydration or malnutrition …or having multiple falls at home because there is no one to keep them safe or assist them. None of us is getting any younger and I hope someday if I do have to stay in a nursing or assisted living facility that someone will care enough to see my heart and take good care of me. Until that day I plan on being the best damn caregiver I possibly can.

From the Inside by 81yr old “resident”
18 months ago I was incarcerated in a Nursing Home as my 78yr old wife couldn’t cope with minor care for me at our own home. I was in that Gulag less than 6 months & am now in a “better one”, closer to home. I now am using my own laptop to write this:-
What Don Mills says about the Staff in these places is on the money. My children got me into this situation & I’ve already signed over Enduring Power of Attorney to my eldest daughter. I’m putting my toe in the water here. More posts will follow dependent on interest shown.
Regards NLD

Hello Mr. Mills – thanks for your great advises. Some of them look very helpful. But here I see some contradiction. If my son (for example) would like to get my money – it is not in his best interest to send me to Nursing Home. In this case the NH is going to get all my money and other valuable property as COOP or house I own.
The money on all my accounts are payable to him only after my death.
So, all what he can do with me in order to put his hands in my pot of gold – just to try to put me away in my own home? Right?? Hire comes Agatha Christie story.
So in my opinion – the money which mom has – the best insurance for her that she will be kept in her home until she get rot. The more money mom has – the best chance she stay home until her death. In this case – in moms best interest let her son know the amount she has, or even to fantasize about this amount. The bigger the gold pot in the end of the road – the better chance for mom that her child would comply with her presence outside Nursing Home.
thanks one time more