WRITER

Naughty Diet

The various "cleanse" diets out there have got me to thinking about developing my own diet, which I am dubbing the “Chow-Down to Triumph” diet. This diet is a little hard to follow, particularly when you get into day 3 and you know you’ve got another 7 to get through. Time to bite the bullet. With a little effort you can do it!

Each day of the Chow-Down to Triumph diet is separated into 11 distinct mealtimes, as follows (with examples of the kinds of meals you’ll be expected to consume in each instance):

Pre-breakfast: Steaming concoction of equal parts espresso and whole milk, sweetened with a heaping teaspoon of sugar, in bed, while reading the paper in a leisurely manner; French cruller for dipping into coffee.

At the end of day 1, you realize that you just have to sleep off such a huge intake of food and liquid. Your body will demand that you settle into bed for the next 36 hours. Call in sick and steel yourself: the process repeats itself 4 more times, starting on days 3, 5, 7, and 9.