Choices of the heart - what we sacrifice for motherhood

Nicole has experienced a fast paced career in the media and a slow paced life as a mum and writer living in China as an ex pat. She learnt that every choice leaves your heart a little bit torn.

“Some days I wish I was single and fancy free… or even a man!” I splutter through my wretched tears.

I’ve been offered the chance to interview Saroo Brierly, played by Dev Patel in the movie ‘Lion’ for a company’s annual staff reward event. The gig’s in Bali, Mexico and Cannes - Hello, dream job!

Through gritted teeth and a heavy heart, I’ve turned it down. You see, I’m a mum to a delightful six-year-old and right now she needs me. Not me gallivanting halfway around the world. Eight weeks ago, we moved from the middle of China (where we lived as expats for six and a half years, with my hotelier husband) to Australia, where my daughter has never lived. It's a big deal.

The choices (that aren't really choices)

Before I embarked on the big gig of motherhood I’d often heard my own mum speak of the sacrifices mums make, but could never truly grasp the core of it.

"Motherhood is akin to wearing your heart on the outside.” They say! Now I know that never was a truer word spoken! As a mum, the heart is always torn.

My mum was a child of the swinging sixties. She was beautiful, in the shortest of minis, highest of boots and a big blonde beehive. She was also smart, and dreamed big, but like most women in the 60’s and 70’s, married early and became a mum to me at 22.

From the age of 15, she worked full time and when I came along, she was lucky to have her ‘village’ to help look after me, which became even more imperative when she became a single mum.

Once at school though, I needed dropping off and picking up, at non-negotiable times. The pick-up was the tough one. For workers, 3 pm is still the middle of the day.

In 1977, after school care was non-existent and there was no such thing as part-time work. The company wouldn’t allow her to leave early, so that was that. Her heart torn, she quit her beloved job to pick up her beloved kid.

And therein lies one of the many ‘choices’ we really have no choice but to make as a mum.

Sure, these days, (depending where you work) part-time work is an option; we have daycare centres, work creches, after school care and, if you can afford it, a nanny or au pair.

‘Things have, thankfully progressed enough, so that in 2017, in theory at least, it’s possible to combine a career and motherhood.

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But it’s still bloody hard.

As I’m fast finding out, balance is overrated. Keeping the scales steady is like staying afloat on a raft in white rapids.

For six years, living overseas as an expat meant for most of my small person’s life, I had the luxury of being there. I didn’t really have a choice. In China I couldn’t work legitimately, without a work visa and as a journalist, that would have been asking the impossible, let alone navigating the language barrier. So, I worked from home, writing, between the “respectable” school hours of 9 am and 2.30 pm.

I’ve been privileged to get to most school assemblies, watching my daughter receive awards and sing songs. I’ve waited patiently at every pick up, rain, hail or shine, or, as is the case in China, snow or pollution (hospital masks on our faces) for her smiley face to emerge through the crowds.

I’ve taken deep breaths and held back tears at drop offs that have not gone to plan, and tried to block out the howls of protest which have been hurled in my direction. I’ve hovered over every homework session, and lovingly made lunches (OK, I’m not Mary Poppins; maybe not always lovingly).

This gig, for the most part, has been pretty sweet.

Had I been in Australia, doing my former job as a TV News Presenter, my story would have been different.

Back home now, the three of us are adjusting to a new life (again).

My supportive husband has gone from running the hotel we lived in, allowing him to be pretty hands on with our family, to a new job where he is not his own boss and travels a lot.

Having never had a child in Australia, I find myself back in my own country starting from scratch when it comes to raising a child.

With no family in Sydney and friends busy with their own families, our support network is in its teething stages and for the first time, I’m realizing everything in the premium ‘livable’ city of Sydney comes at a price (including nannies and after school care).

There will always be weeks like this week, where it’s tough to say no to a job that has your insides somersaulting with excitement, especially when the hotelier is off to Fiji for work, knowing I’ve got the school gate covered.

But that's the reality of life - someone needs to bring home the bacon and being the main breadwinner isn't always the lesser of two evils.

I would like to think there’s a way to make it all work. That I too can have a fulfilling work life and still be there for my daughter. It’s the age-old dilemma and no amount of years, dollars or any number of after school care centres can change that.

At the end of the day, I’m a mum.

For that my heart will always be torn, but that’s a privilege I don’t want to pass up.

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