Note: Marlboro app

The app icon looks exactly like a flip top packet of Marlboro reds. Strong, bold, iconic.

It costs the same to download as a real packet of Marlboro. Streamlined so it downloads and installs in a flash. Faster than buying a packet of cigarettes over the counter.

Click the icon on your phone and the front of the packet appears on the screen. You have to pick the thin gold thread of plastic and drag it to the right to remove the cellophane wrap.

Drag the flip top lid up to open it. Ahhh, fresh cigarettes all in a row. Hold down one cigarette and drag it up to lift it out of the pack. Keep holding it down and drag it around 180 degrees so the tip is at the bottom of your phone.

Snap your fingers together at the top of your phone to spark a flame. Breathe in through the bottom of your phone to light the cigarette. Blow out to exhale the smoke.

Breathe in again and the cigarette instantly burns to a crisp. Magically crushes itself into a butt on top of the packet. Hisses and burns, blackens.

Try to drag out the next cigarette but it snags. Drag harder and a pop up window says ‘Tar that paves streets is in cigarettes.’

Drag harder still and a pop up window says ‘Smoking stains your teeth.’

Drag even more and a pop up window says ’Smokers get sick more often.’

Try to drag out another cigarette but it catches and a pop up window says ‘Urea adds flavor to cigarettes.’

Try another cigarette and a pop up window says ‘Acetone from nail polish is in cigarettes.’

Another cigarette and a pop up window says ‘Nictotine in cigarettes is more addictive than heroin.’

Another pop up window says ‘Formaldehyde that preserves dead bodies is in cigarettes.’

Every time you try to drag out another cigarette, another fresh message pop ups.

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Boscutti Report

Stefano Boscutti is an award-winning writer, screenwriter and creative director. Boscutti Report is a satirical daily news column that mercilessly skewers Australian politicians. Subscribe for a laugh. Unsubscribe at any time.