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Medical Jokes

Ms. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her 4th marriage. After the examination the physician seemed confused. “You’re a virgin. How is that possible?”

“My 1st husband was a psychiatrist,” she explained. “He analyzed it all the time. My 2nd was an English Lit. Professor. He wrote about it all the time. My 3rd husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it. But now I’m marrying a lawyer,” she said with a smile, “so I know I’ll get screwed.”

When I had my operation, I displayed a lot of guts; I could takeit, smile and like it, but the bed pan drove me nuts. When nature called, I’d call the nurse; and when I called she ranand soon I’d have my carcass, parked upon that gosh-darned pan. I’d slide back on my shoulders, but the leverage wasn’t there,and instead of something doing, I’d shoot a flock of air. And when at last I’d get results, I’d feel around my seat, to seeif I had missed the pan and piled it on the sheet. There was cold sweat on my forehead, when I’d feel with cautiouscare, and with sighs of satisfaction, find not a thing was there. But now a new contortion, would leave me weak and pale; I’d haveto work and twist and squirm to wipe my poor sore tail. I’d raise my sitter, high mid-air, this closed the gaping span;my shaky hand would slip, and then I’d grab that gosh-darn pan. The muscles of my neck would bulge as I stood upon my head, I’dmake a few wild passes and fall weakly back in bed. And when I’d ring, the nurse came in and carried off the pan; I’dwonder why, on such a job, they didn’t send a man. Then finally, I’d settle down, that movement was a treat;but, wait a minute! What’s so warm and wet upon the sheet? With a gasp of apprehension, I’d slowly raise my gown, and therebeneath my sitter, would be a blotch of brown. And so, as operations go, I’m a burly, big, he-man;but gosh! It simply burns me up, when I miss that gosh-darned pan!

When you’re hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you’re feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”