Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary

I can see your face in the baubles,
As you untangle the lights behind me.
I can hear the sound of you sighing,
As you wrap tinsel around the fake tree.
I can feel your intense dis-liking,
As you ask me to pass you the fairy.
This Christmas I fear for my well-being,
Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

I fear that you’ve poisoned the egg nog,
So I pour it away when you nip to the loo.
I dare not eat the bleach smelling turkey,
Because you so desperately want me to.
The Christmas pudding is made with milk this year?
Despite my intense reaction to dairy.
This Christmas I fear for my well-being,
Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

I guessed that you didn’t like your present,
When you said ‘this present is shit’.
Your hatred for me so eloquently confirmed,
In your card – ‘Happy Christmas you git’.
Fingers crossed I stood under the mistletoe,
But the razor blade in your teeth made me wary.
This Christmas I fear for my well-being,
Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

I was not prepared, as I opened your gift,
For a tarantula to crawl out of the box.
And the stocking filler surprise was just that –
A scorpion tucked into my socks.
The bomb in the tin of Quality Street,
Took some time to defuse – that was scary.
This Christmas I fear for my well-being,
Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary.

The view from up here is all Christmassy,
I can see you sat watching the telly.
I’m floating above the living room,
With a bread knife sticking out of my belly.
You are resting your drink on my forehead,
And warming your feet on my still-warm chest.
Dear Jesus, Joseph and Mary I’m dead,
And dear wife your house is POSSESSED
oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo

Now this made me laugh – now you’ve made me all paranoid about Christmas! Glad to have found you – could you add an email subscription to your blog? (I tend to follow blogs via my inbox) Pretty please?