My mom drives me nuts since she wants my Christmas and b-day list (only 2 weeks apart) by March!!! She says its because she likes to shop all year and spread out the cost, but I've learned not to put things on i'm uncertain about, as sometimes I change my mind!

I read your title as meaning telling people what YOU want. LOL.I think a month before would be fine. If it was a case where I was seeing them in person a while before their birthday I might still ask them.

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

My mom drives me nuts since she wants my Christmas and b-day list (only 2 weeks apart) by March!!! She says its because she likes to shop all year and spread out the cost, but I've learned not to put things on i'm uncertain about, as sometimes I change my mind!

Your mom and I would probably get along. My best friend and I have a long standing tradition of planning our birthdays (which are in the same month) six months in advance. Every year without fail.

First, you ask. They may not have a response ready for you, so it could be a few days before you get an answer.

Then you have to find time to shop. If you order on-line, there's delivery time.

Then you have to wrap the presents and package them for the mail.

Then get to the Post Office and mail them, allowing enough time for the gifts to arrive.

When you add a few days at each step for delays and other problems, a month sounds about right.

POD. I think it depends more on the logistic considerations at your end, than anything else. For example, if you knew they were likely to want some in-stock thing from Amazon (like popular books or DVDs) and you were willing to pay for shipping, you could probably ask just a few days in advance and still get the thing to them by their birthday (sent directly from Amazon). But if you know that it takes you longer to find and ship stuff, build that in to the time.

Of course it also depends on how fast they get back to you, but I tend not to worry about that too much. Teenagers should be well aware that the faster they respond to such a question, the more likely they are to get what they want, by their birthday. If they are slow and consequently get their gifts late, too bad.

Now if we're talking about a major experience gift like flying to another city or a weeklong camping trip or something, I think several months in advance is a good time to start mentioning it and planning.

The problem is, if I ask a month in advance my sister in law takes two weeks to get back to me. If I ask six weeks in advance so I have a month's notice I'm asking too early and I get ignored. SIL is the gatekeeper to her family and has no interest in encouraging the children to write to or talk with us. I've had more thank-you communications from the Step-mother's grandchildren, who barely know us.

The best way to handle it is to keep on being a cash point at Christmas and birthdays. Yeah, I resent it, but they aren't going to change and DH likes the nominal exchange of gifts.

Might I respectfully suggest your DH handle the gifts with his sister, then? If it's only going to be cash anyway, it should be easy enough for him to stick a check in a card and mail it. One less aggravating thing for you to think about.

At 15 and 13, I'd say gift cards for video games and iTunes are a good route to go. It takes some guesswork out of it.

I'm also going to say a month to six weeks in advance. If no one gets back to you, you can default to cash or gift card or send the package late. Unless you're really a stickler about getting the gift to them exactly on time, if they drag their feet, then late it shall be.

Might I respectfully suggest your DH handle the gifts with his sister, then? If it's only going to be cash anyway, it should be easy enough for him to stick a check in a card and mail it. One less aggravating thing for you to think about.

^This^

You've been doing it with no acknowledgement or expression of appreciation? Let DH deal with it completely - it's his family.

I went through this for years with DH's nephews. I put a lot of thought, time and money into thoughtful, age appropriate gifts. The only way I knew anything was delivery confirmation.