9/17/2014

Your State Sucks: What the Hell Is Wrong With You, Pennsylvania?

Where to start, where to start with just a couple of days worth of notable awful violence in the...what? Cheesesteak State? Is that right? Anyways, we've had a spurt of stupid committed by assholes acting in exactly the way you'd expect assholes to act. Let's go chronologically:

1. On Thursday, September 11 (never forget, motherfuckers), a large group of drunken shit stains beat up a gay couple in Center City, Philadelphia, which is, as you might imagine, downtown. The aforementioned sentient skid marks, all in their 20s, called the male couple, "You dirty faggots," and, like brave young people before and after them, piled on, punching and kicking the men. "One of the men had to undergo surgery and have his jaw wired shut; the other suffered bone fractures and cuts to his face." It was two against seven or eight, and then one of the puke chunks took the wallet of one of the attacked men.

It's not entirely relevant, but it should be noted that these drunken fucks all went to Archbishop Wood Catholic High School. Because anyone who went there should be proud.

This one has a semi-happy ending. Seems that a video surveillance camera got images of the merry crew of wasted sperm trotting along after the assault. Seems like someone got a photo of them at the restaurant they had been to that night. Seems like someone recognized the restaurant. Seems like someone found out who had checked in at that restaurant on Facebook. Seems like they also found out who had homophobic shit all over their profile. Seems like fucking idiots don't understand privacy settings on Facebook. Seems like a bunch of shit stains are about to go to jail while the two men they beat nearly to death attempt to heal.

2. Eric Michael Frein's father wants us to know that his son is such a good marksmen with a rifle that he "doesn't miss." That's why he was able to come from his home in Canadensis, PA, nestled in the taint of the Poconos, on Friday and shoot and kill one state trooper and injure another outside their station in Blooming Grove. In 90 seconds, he had gunned them both down, one getting off his shift and another coming on. A hunt is on for Frein, who is described as a "survivalist" in that he ain't gonna die easily in the woods.

Of course, another word for Frein, if we're honest here, is "terrorist." He's white, yeah, but still a terrorist. Frein "made statements about wanting to kill law enforcement officers and also to commit mass acts of murder," according to the state police commissioner. He was "fascinated with firearms" and, according to the commissioner, "has very strong feelings about law enforcement and seems to be very angry with a lot of things that are going on in our society." He was also once part of a group of World War II reenactors. He was on the German side, but, we're assured, no neo-Nazi shit was allowed.

Does the FBI attempt to infiltrate survivalist groups or forums online? Does it try to tempt the easily influenced out into the open and then arrest them when they seem they might act? Or is that just reserved for the fake brown terrorists they mostly end up setting up for prosecution?

"Frein has held anti-law enforcement views for many years and has expressed them both online and to people who knew him," said a state police lieutenant. To anyone who knew Frein, he said, this act was not a surprise.

3. On Monday, in northeast Philadelphia, a man came home to his apartment and saw a 20 year-old man hiding next to the bed of his 20 year-old daughter. Charles Jordan did what any father would do in that situation. He shot the 20 year-old in head and killed him because fuck you, shoot first and ask questions later. Dad said he thought it was an intruder who didn't listen to his command to stay down. A neighbor said the daughter, Brenda, yelled, "No, daddy, no!" Because, see, it turns out that victim Marc Carrion was Brenda's friend, possibly even boyfriend, who lived nearby and had given her a ride home from her job.