Worst Week Ever!: March 12-18

After you live a couple of years on this earth, it becomes clear that religious people who do not doggedly seek profit or self-glorification from religion are doing it right and that the Joel Osteens of the world are the ones who get all the attention and TV shows for doing the opposite of what Jesus would want his mission work to look like. They schedule church at times that mess up plans to watch sports, even though they hold services in venues that seat 40,000 and broadcast in 100 countries just like ... well, you get it. Osteen’s church recently explained what form more than $600,000 in stolen donations were in — cash and checks from a single service, meaning the annual take from his glorious servitude could be as high as $32 million. Osteen noted that he is kind of like Jesus, but instead of turning water into wine, he turns stacks of donated money that people somehow suggest with a straight face is going to help others into BMWs, designer suits, and vacation properties.

Pro-Weed Republicans Jump on Legalization Bandwagon after Watching CNN Show

Part of the Republican mindset that makes people think they lack empathy and tact is that they don’t start being supportive of the liberal gay/weed agenda until their son reveals their homosexuality or one of their relatives benefits from medicinal marijuana to combat pain or whatever reason people like to give for getting high. A newly formed Republican group called RAMP — Republicans Against Marijuana Prohibition — met this week in Houston in hopes of convincing the GOP that “the drug war goes against every principle we have of smaller government, fiscal responsibility and less intrusion in your private life.” The organization’s leader, Ann Lee, used to call marijuana “the devil’s weed” until her son suffered a workplace accident that left him a paraplegic. He professed to her that marijuana was the only nerve pain treatment that worked and eventually became a well-known marijuana activist in Oakland, Calif. Lee explained her change of heart, saying, “He said marijuana is good for me.

And that was a sea change for us.” Lee went on to explain that she felt bad for all the non-violent drug offenders locked up in our nation’s prison state and explained that if her son ever wanted to get an abortion, she would start being pro-choice.

Russians Take Vote in Crimea, Tell Everyone Shit Is Cool so Don’t Worry About It

America always tries to weasel into the affairs of other nations, acting as arbiters of democracy and deciding who is doing it right and who is not. After all, this great nation was founded by scurvy-ridden white Europeans who came across the pond, took a vote and then decided to kill and relocate the Native Americans in favor of peacefully coexisting with them. Hundreds of years later, the politics of land-stealing remain much the same. Like 10 minutes after the Sochi Olympics ended, Vladimir Putin and Russia looked at Crimea and were like, “Ooh, let me peep that for a second.” Now it seems obvious that Russia is determined to take control of land that wasn’t theirs this time last year. As a sign of respect to the West, a vote has been set up for Crimean citizens. With partial results in, it appears that more than 95 percent approve of being annexed to Russia in favor of seeking more autonomy within the Ukraine. In some numbers news that would interest Nate Silver, more than 95 percent of the Crimean voters also voted “no” to getting shot to death in the street like a dog by an invading army for answering the first poll question wrong.

Meteorologists Use Pro-Al Qaeda Terminology, Piss off a Bunch of Texans

Every year a few people you know who’ve got it like that go down to Austin for South By Southwest and you think to yourself, “maybe it’s just a bunch of liberal pricks from New York talking trash about Texas and it’s actually really cool down there.” Then a few days pass and a story comes down the pike that proves that in this case the Ivory Tower Smarmy Pseudo-Intellectuals from Suburban New York might know what they’re talking about. This year, that story took shape in the uproar that grew out of a huge sandstorm spreading across the Texas panhandle. A Lubbock news station described the storm as a “haboob” — a meteorological term of Arabic origin. This is the part where people got all pissed off. Online commenters expertly noted things like, “We do not live in Iraq or wear rags on our heads and in the U.S.A what we had is a dust storm NOT a haboob ... it is even in our history books.” The Lubbock news station has been besieged by criticism since using the term “haboob,” and in response has decided to shelve a piece of investigative journalism scheduled to air next week intended to explain what “alamo” means and how it has nothing to do with ice cream being served atop a piece of pie.

“White Man March” Event in
Florence Attracts Nearly a Dozen

Since the days in which Plato penned The Republic, the brightest minds of each generation have gathered on overpasses to show homemade signs with messages such as “diversity = white genocide.” It’s always been up to the smartest and most goal-oriented individuals of each society to stand out from his or her contemporaries by sharing such gems of life with passersby. Our generation is led by Robert Ransdell of Florence, who organized the local chapter of a racist-ass international event called the “White Man March” last week. Ransdell explained the premise to The Enquirer as such: “We are here promoting white interests and encouraging others to stand up for people advocating for the white majority just like the minorities are encouraged to do.” A protester next to him later explained that all the black guys on UK’s basketball team are fucking awesome, and it’s the ones with their pants sagged down low and their bass up high who are the real problem.