If Jerry McGuire was a planner (or how would reports read if you could tell it like it is)

Remember the premise of the movie Jerry McGuire? If you didn't see the flick, (it is widely regarded as a chick flick) Jerry McGuire was a successful sports agent who got sick and while in the throes of a fever had a moment of clarity and composed a little manifesto exactly stating what he thought was wrong with his profession and how he conceived during that epiphany it should ideally be operated. Unfortunately for him, his agency got a hold of his 'manifesto' and he ended up losing all his clients, which forced him to essentially start his life over again.

If you didn't have to worry about any consequences, how might your staff reports and recommendations read? Give us an excerpt or two.

Last edited by Maister; 11 Jun 2012 at 4:34 PM.

People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know? - Garrison Keillor

Staff recommends approval of this highly innovative and environmentally responsible proposal. The Planning Commission and Council, who wouldn't recognize good planning if it bit them in the a$$, should also approve it or be drawn and quartered in the town square.

“Death comes when memories of the past exceed the vision for the future.”

As the Commission will note, the Engineer has concerns which range widely. This is a surprise to Staff, as in Thursday's meeting the Engineer had still not reviewed the proposal. How one guy can be so concerned about the possibilities for disaster in the assembly of a single story convenience store frankly boggles the mind. Seriously, I'm not sure how he gets out of bed in the morning.

At any rate, Staff acknowledges the legitimate concerns of the Engineer as contained in the attached memo, and discounts the others as over-the-top-covering-of-his-ass and advises the Commission to do the same.

The applicant cites several benefits that supposdly will result from the project. The applicant is a lying sack of sh!t anf the only benefit will be to his wallet. The neighbors to the north have objected to the project for several reasons. None of them are true. The only thing they care about is being able to use the land to walk their dogs without paying for it, like they have been doing for the last 20 years. Can you say "trespassing?" The neighbor to the east also objects, citing several supposed shortcomings of the project. His real objection is he will lose his view of the ocean. Hey, Jack, if you want the view, buy it. Otherwise, butt the hell out. The neighbor to the south objects, whining about the deer that live on the property. Where will they go, he asks. With any luck, into my freezer. Anyway, this is a city, not a wildlife preserve. The damn deer eat my roses and fuschias. I say good riddance.

As the Commission will note, the Engineer has concerns which range widely. This is a surprise to Staff, as in Thursday's meeting the Engineer had still not reviewed the proposal. How one guy can be so concerned about the possibilities for disaster in the assembly of a single story convenience store frankly boggles the mind. Seriously, I'm not sure how he gets out of bed in the morning.

At any rate, Staff acknowledges the legitimate concerns of the Engineer as contained in the attached memo, and discounts the others as over-the-top-covering-of-his-ass and advises the Commission to do the same.

Also, You....complete me.

Haha I love this, it reminds me of a geotechnical engineer I used to work with!

Applicant recently attempted to refurbish the one story garage without authorization from this Commission and without a permit. When confronted by Building Inspections, he produced a 10-year old authorization form. Good thing our inspectors can read, as the form was for painting the house green. The Inspectors found some interesting plants growing in the garage, and a visit from both the City Arborist and the Vice Squad followed.
Applicant contends that this Commission and staff have no authority over his property. He has stated more than once that he can do whatever the hell he wants to on his own land. This includes growing illegal hemp plants in the converted garage. The Police Department and Code Compliance are waiting for the Commission's ruling as to the appropriateness of converting the garage to a greenhouse-of-sorts.
Staff believes that the applicant is smoking more of his product than he is selling. No site visit to report on this property, as Staff is not provided Kevlar nor any means to protect oneself from this type of applicant. Staff prays that the Commission will deny the request; however, please note that doing so may require an after-hours protection detail. This is a family business.

*actually had an illegal greenhouse on a large house that was growing weed for "personal use".

"We do not need any other Tutankhamun's tomb with all its treasures. We need context. We need understanding. We need knowledge of historical events to tie them together. We don't know much. Of course we know a lot, but it is context that's missing, not treasures." - Werner Herzog, in Archaeology, March/April 2011

At the rate that the planning and zoning board issue variances in this city they should just draft a memo and be done with it:

You can build whatever the fuck you want, wherever you want, however you want, to house as many people as you want, as close to your neighbor as you want, to have as much off street parking as you want, and no permeable surface as long as you pay the application and variance fees. We know code enforcement will never check up on you so it doesn't matter anyways.

"He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well. Is that not what it means to know me?"Jeremiah 22:16

Not a planner.....but the Jerry McGuire manifesto is appealing. My company has many, many good things going for it. But like any company, there are some issues......usually political.....that lurk below the surface. When I do the "exit stage left" dance I will probably do a sort of manifesto. Maybe a Manifesto, Junior.

Applicant has stated that the lot is too small to support the required parking and site improvements required by the Zoning Ordinance. Staff has recommended the applicant pursue a boundary line adjustment with an abutting property, re-sizing the proposed building, or pursuing a use on the site that generates a lesser demand for parking spaces. the applicant has instead chosen to come to the hearing and waste all of our time by whining about our ordinance and stomping his feet and holding his breath until his face turns blue.

The same thing I say when I get a job offer, " I am a Sun Devil...show me the money!"

Good answer, it's worked for me so far. Even in Kansas.

"The public has concerns..."
That one guy who everyone thinks is crazy but gives was too much credit to decided he wants to complain about this actually good thing we're trying to get done. The actual public doesn't give a rats ass what you say about it and they'll either like it or ignore it completely in a month anyway. If they did, you would actually see the "public" in front of you today. Just vote yes and move on.

Applicant asserts that staff told him that "it would be no problem" and his proposal could be approved administratively. Staff recommends that all city employees have long ago been conditioned not to utter the words "no problem" whilst on the city clock. There is no way anybody told this guy it would be "no problem," and also, asking him a cut sheet for his proposed lighting fixtures isn't really a "big problem," as he asserts. Seriously, the guy is buying several thousand dollars worth of these things and he can't even pull the spec sheet out of the catalog and give it to us? And this is now "obstructive big government?" Staff recommends that the applicant be sent back to whatever podunk place he came from or at least recognize that just because he bought some commercial property in the city 30 years ago doesn't vest him in all the whims and aspirations he has had for the property since then. Staff Out. (drops mic)

Eh-hem...

"Since it's obvious that not a single Councilperson/Commissioner has even opened, let alone READ, their packet please remain dumbfounded as Staff continues to do what is in the best interest of the City."