Monday, September 19, 2016

Diagnosis Meaningless

For weeks or months or some other length of time, Deplorable Basket People have been spreading conspiracy theories regarding Hillary Clinton's health. Deplorable Basket People being Donald Trump, Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani. To be fair, Giuliani had evidence because he Googled shit. He has a law degree, so I guess that means any shit that can be Googled is credible. Which is kind of awesome, because this blog can be Googled. Therefore, any shit I write is credible. Rudy Giuliani has syphilis. It's true because it's here and you can find my blog on Google.

Sean Hannity did all kinds of mental acrobatics in a desperate attempt to prove a clip of Hillary Clinton laughing was actually a deadly seizure caught on tape. Unfortunately for Hannity, all three medical experts who appeared on his show were actual medical experts and refused to diagnose Clinton with incurable brain damage based on a ten second clip. He should have asked Trump's gastroenterologist to come on the show. Dr. Gasbag would have said something like, "If elected, Mrs. Clinton, I can state unequivocally, will be the sickest individual ever elected to the presidency." Hannity would have gotten the diagnosis he wanted and the added bonus of looking slightly less creepy next to Dr. Gasbag.

Donnie has been claiming Hillary Clinton doesn't have the stamina to be President because she sleeps at night. I've spent a lot of time (about two minutes) trying to figure out why Trump believes sleeping at night is an unhealthy habit. The only logical conclusion is Donald Trump is a vampire. It would explain a lot. For instance, it explains all the deaths/possible murders I've connected him to in previous blogs. And many people have noticed a difference between Day Trump and Night Trump. When Trump speaks in the daytime he is rather subdued. He still spouts crazy gibberish, but he lacks the carnival barker aura of excitement and insanity we've come to expect from Night Trump. Of course, this leads to the question of how he doesn't burn up in sunlight. He can't be one of those Twilight vampires because he doesn't sparkle. From watching every episode of True Blood, even after it got stupid, I learned that drinking fairy blood can allow vampires to be in sunlight unharmed for various lengths of time depending upon how much fairy blood was consumed. I'll investigate how Donald Trump has been obtaining Anna Paquin's blood at another time. Finally, "the Trump is a vampire theory" explains the orange makeup. Vampires are notoriously pale. He's overcompensating.

The Deplorable Basket People were vindicated, however, when Hillary Clinton "collapsed" at a 9/11 memorial event. Later that afternoon, it was discovered that Hillary Clinton had been diagnosed with pneumonia and failed to immediately alert the media. What else is she hiding? You may be thinking, "Hey, Donna, pneumonia isn't a big deal. It's a common and easily treatable ailment." If that's true, then why can't I spell pneumonia? Because apparently, I can't and spell-check is being a total dick about it.

For an entire week, the national media relentlessly covered the Hillary Clinton health scare and nothing else. I, for one, am grateful the media spent so much time informing the public about the symptoms and different types of pneumonia with facts they found on WebMD. In the first place, this prevented them from hounding Donald Trump for his non-existent tax returns, which is way less important than Hillary Clinton's pneumonia. Secondly, with the help of WebMD, I was able to diagnose myself with that thing Kennedy had because I have two of the twelve symptoms associated with Addison's Disease. I may also suffer from something called hypochondria. Either way, I'll be seeking immediate medical attention.

Because this is a matter of grave national importance, I've used my super special top secret connections to uncover Hillary Clinton's full medical history. What follows are the most shocking facts about Hillary Clinton's health and how they may disqualify her from the presidency.

1.

Hillary Clinton was born without a penis. No President in our nation's history has ever been born without one. That we know of. I have some theories about why Reagan was so soft spoken.

2.

Hillary Clinton once gave birth. That's just gross.

3.

Hillary Clinton has a peanut allergy. Granted, her medical records only say she has allergies. They don't say what kind. But I've never seen her eat a peanut. Also, it's worth pointing out Jimmy Carter, who has a peanut farm, spoke via recorded message at the DNC. Could this peanut allergy be the reason Clinton didn't invite him to speak in person? How will she be able to work with other world leaders who may also be peanut farmers?

4.

Hillary Clinton can't open a jar of pickles. Although, this can be attributed to the vast right wing Vlasic pickle conspiracy. The makers of Vlasic pickles have been conspiring to keep women barefoot and pregnant for decades. They started the rumor about women craving pickles during pregnancy. Then they use a stork to sell their pickles. What's a stork got to do with pickles? Nothing. The only thing people know about storks is that stupid story about the stork bringing babies. When woman get a jar of Vlasic pickles they think of babies. Then the Vlasic people purposely put the lids on the jars ridiculously tight. So women find men to open pickle jars and knock them up. This is why I don't eat pickles.

Not one to keep silent when attention is being paid to his opponent, Donald Trump had a physical and appeared on The Dr. Oz Show to talk about it. I couldn't bring myself to watch The Dr. Oz Show. Dr. Oz is the Donald Trump of TV doctors. He'll put his name on anything if it sells and doesn't care if he's scamming the public. He gives out medical advice he read in a Tweet as if it's from a credible source. But in all fairness, he's a registered Republican, so he can't be expected to believe facts.

Dr. Oz is also a Muslim born of Turkish immigrants. So he can't afford to be on Donnie's bad side if he wants to stay in this country and keep taking daytime talk shows away from hard working Americans. Also, I can't believe game shows and soap operas are fading away from daytime TV lineups, yet, talk shows refuse to die. Daytime talk shows are boring and stupid and every B, C and D list celebrity has had one. Jerry Springer's body guard has a talk show. Which means there is actually a show I want to watch less than Jerry Springer.

Anyway, in lieu of watching Dr. Oz, I watched an interview done with an audience member after the taping. I learned the following dumb ass facts about Donald Trump's health.

1.

Donald Trump is a little overweight. A fact we can all see.

2.

Despite his billions and billions of dollars, Trump eats mostly fast food because he "knows what's in it." I call bullshit. No one would eat fast food if we knew what was in it. I would never eat a McNugget again if I knew what they actually were made of. We all know that shit isn't chicken. On the off chance he does know what's in it, I believe he owes it to the American public to tell us what's in the Colonel's secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

3.

He considers hand gestures exercise. I have nothing to add to that.

4.

Donnie feels as good at seventy as he did at thirty. Most likely because vampires are immortal.

5.

Despite graduating from military school, Donnie avoided the draft because his foot hurt. Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt. Poor people with sore feet went to Vietnam and had their legs blown off. To which Donnie said, "At least their feet don't hurt anymore."

6.

Trump knows Scott Baio. Scott Baio once played a doctor on a TV show with Dick Van Dyke. Scott Baio would tell Donnie if he thought there was a problem with his health. Like on that episode of The Potsie Show when Scott Baio was the special guest star. And Potsie had a bad cough and Chachi tried to get him to go to the doctor. But Potsie didn't want to go because he had a date with a hot chick that night. So he went on his date and coughed through dinner. It was gross, so the hot chick ditched him for a football player. Then Chachi took Potsie to the doctor and it turned out he had pneumonia. Then they had soup.

Namaste, Bitches

Comments:

guytroy2579said:

Hey, this is your brother. I wanted to add an interesting editor's note. In The Art of a Deal... Appendix II, you referred to Trump as "undead". I've had my team monitoring Anna Paquin ever since. You can look forward to my report.