Dr. Elaine Heffner: A better way?

Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now

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Feb 13, 2018 at 9:27 AMFeb 13, 2018 at 9:27 AM

What are American parents searching for in rearing their children? Bookstores have shelves of books offering answers to those who search. The internet brings unending streams of information and advice — often contradictory — for every aspect of parenting. The search has been international with Amy Chua telling why Chinese mothers are superior to American mothers, followed by Pamela Druckerman wishing to emulate the “superior” French parents she came to know while living in France.

More recently we have “ACHTUNG BABY: An American Mom on the German Art of Raising Self-Reliant Children,” by Sara Zaskie. Living in Germany with two young children the author reports that kids walk to school by themselves, ride the subway alone, cut food with sharp knives, play without direction from parents or teachers and spend more time outdoors.

But why do parents get caught by the idea that there is a better way to raise children than the way they are doing it? The ideas that seem to surface are those that relate to independence and self-reliance. Americans have been accused of helicopter parenting, creating dependent, less resilient children. Whether true or not, the search for new or better ways to parent suggests some dissatisfaction with current results. Does a feeling prevail that our children are not turning out the way we would like?

There are several reasons for a sense of inadequacy parents sometimes feel about their method of child-rearing. Implicit is the pervasive feeling of wanting to do it perfectly. Since it is impossible to raise children without stumbling blocks, when they appear the feeling in a parent is of having done something wrong — that means imperfect. This in turn points to a second idea, that everything a child does is caused by the parent, so if something is wrong with the child it is the fault of the parent.

Much is written about supposed failings in children’s behavior which is then attributed to particular behavior on the part of parents. The various books and articles that report on child-rearing in other countries point to specific parental behavior that differs from ours, attributing supposedly better outcomes in the children to those supposedly superior parental behavior and attitudes.

This rests on the simplistic cause and effect idea that doing certain things will produce a specific outcome, leading to parents search for the “right” way to do it. But if so, what are the outcomes parents are looking for? Here we come back to the question of values. Parents have different aspirations for their children which influence their own behavior and their judgements of their children. Also, children are raised to live in a particular society and cultural values play a role in the outcomes parents seek.

This is what is missing in the judgments brought back about raising children in a different country and culture. Children reflect — as do parents — the values and behavior of the whole society. Chinese, French, German children have various personality characteristics which reflect not only their parents but the society as a whole. There are aspects to their personalities other than the characteristics admired, which may be less admired.

Different cultures produce behavior characteristic of the culture as a whole. Isolating individual child-rearing methods and applying them in the search for a specific outcome ignores the less desirable outcomes that also result. The same is true for the search to produce specific outcomes in our own society.

Children are the product of their genes, family, social and cultural environment. They are total beings who only need help being who they are, which cannot be engineered through specific methods.— Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com.

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