Nobody Asked Me But,

I nver pay more than $2 for an umbrella. It if doesn’t work, I get wet. Big deal.

I frequently am confused in modern libraries. I only feel calm when I touch the books.

I miss the old days when Irish politicians ran the Democratic Party. At least there was a sense of loyalty and an intense desire to win.

Roger Clemens apologized to me for fornication. I feel relieved. I still don’t know why I got the apology, he never fornicated with me.

These days I rarely read a book that has more than 300 pages. If the author can’t get across the point in 300, then 500 won’t make it clearer.

As dictator of American any parked car that impedes the abillity of other cars to move will be immediately blown up.

I go to IHOP for its buttermilk pancakes. The other items on the menu look grotesque.

I used to push down to get a drink of water, now I press. Why the change?

As dictator of America, all work with cease on rainy days so people can snuggle at home in love.

The Yankee $200 million payroll has a second basemen hitting 190, a first baseman hitting 185, a third baseman hitting 210 and a catcher hitting 220. Say what you will about communism, under a communist government, these guys would not be in the major leagues.

I always walk up if the trip is under five flights. After that, my legs show their age and I take the elevator.

I was at the airport one evening to pick up my wife. There was a family all dressed in red, white and blue colors holding a sign, “Welcome Home Dad.” I walked away and cried a bit thinking about the families who would never get a chance to hold up such a sign.

Has there ever been an American president who talks so much about patriotism and does so little?

John McCain says he is trustworthy. I agree. We can trust him to continue Bush policies.

I know I am in St. Louis when traffic on a major street halts to allow three geese to cross the street.

I saw a couple wearing matching tee shirts. Do they behave that way at night in bed?

If you are passing through St. Louis, please go to First Watch for the world’s best blueberry pancakes.

In my youth the person greeting you in a restroom wore dresses. Today, they wear Khaki. I prefer the dresses.

Why is it if the woman is slim, the man with her is obese or vice versa?

I paid forty cents for an apple the other day. Do you know what that does to the heart of this Depression baby?

The Southwest Terminal in St. Louis closes down at 8:00 p.m. Yes, this is St. Louis.

I saw this crooked backed man looking upward as I looked downward. I wonder what lif is like looking upward.

I saw an ambulance with flashing lights pull into a gas station to fill up. I sure would not like being the patient in that ambulance.