How to Build Self Confidence

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

There are 27 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

Self-confidence is an essential part of humanity.[1] A person with self-confidence generally likes themselves, is willing to take risks to achieve their personal and professional goals, and thinks positively about the future.[2] Someone who lacks self-confidence, however, is less likely to feel that they can achieve their goals, and tends to have a negative perspective about themselves and what they hope to gain in life.[3] The good news is that self-confidence is something you can improve! Building self-confidence requires you to cultivate a positive attitude about yourself and your social interactions, while also learning to deal with any negative emotions that arise and practicing greater self-care. You should learn to set goals and take risks, as well, since meeting challenges can further improve your self-confidence.

Counselor Trudi Griffin reminds: "A lack of self-confidence results from years of internalizing negative messages about ourselves, but what if every negative thing you've ever heard about yourself from an outside source is wrong? Take time to analyze those messages to clear out the ones that bring you down."

Identify your negative thoughts.[4] Your negative thoughts might sound like this: "I can't do that," "I will surely fail", "no one wants to hear what I have to say." This inner voice is pessimistic and unhelpful and will hold you back from achieving high self-esteem and greater self-confidence.

Turn your negative thoughts to positive thoughts. As you pay attention to your negative thoughts, turn them around to positive thoughts. This may take the form of positive affirmations, [5] such as "I am going to try it," "I can be successful if I work at it," or "people will listen to me." Start with just a few positive thoughts a day.

Refuse to focus on negative thoughts more often than positive thoughts. Eventually, your positive thoughts should be given more “brain space” than your negative thoughts. The more you counter your negative self-thinking with positivity, the more natural this will become.

Maintain a positive support network.[6] Connect with those close to you, whether they are family or friends, to keep your perspective uplifted. Furthermore, stay away from people or things that make you feel bad. [7]

Someone you call a friend may actually make you feel bad, if they constantly make negative remarks, or criticize you.

Even well-intended family members who weigh in with their opinions about what you “should” be doing can be destructive to your self-confidence.

As you cultivate your own positive attitude and take steps to achieve your goals these naysayers may become more evident. As much as possible, limit your contact with them while you build your self-confidence.

Take some time to think about which people in your life really make you feel great. Make a goal to spend more time with people who are supportive and uplifting.

Eliminate reminders of your negativity. Avoid spending time around things that can make you feel bad about yourself again. These might be reminders from the past, clothing that no longer fits, or places that don’t fit with your new goals of gaining confidence. Though you may not be able to get rid of every negative source in your life, you can certainly think about how to cut your losses. This will go a long way in building your self-confidence up.[8]

Take the time to sit down and think about all of the things that are bringing you down, from mean friends, a career you don't much care for, or a living situation that is almost unbearable.

Identify your talents. Everyone is good at something, so discover the things at which you excel, and then focus on your talents. Give yourself permission to take pride in them. Express yourself, whether it's through art, music, writing, or dance. Find something you enjoy and cultivate a talent to go with your interest.[9]

Adding a variety of interests or hobbies to your life will not only make you more confident, but it will increase your chances of meeting compatible friends as well.

When you're following your passion, not only will it have a therapeutic effect, but you'll feel unique and accomplished, all of which can help build your self-confidence.

Take pride in yourself. Not only should you feel proud of your talents or your skills, but you should also think about the things that make your personality great. It can be your sense of humor, your sense of compassion, your listening skills, or your ability to cope under stress. You may not think that there's anything about your personality worth admiring, but if you dig deep, you'll realize that you have plenty of admirable qualities. Focus on them by writing them down.

Accept compliments gracefully. Many people with low self-esteem have difficulty taking compliments; they assume that the person complimenting them is either mistaken or lying. If you find yourself responding to a compliment by rolling your eyes, saying, "Yeah, right," or shrugging it off, you should reframe your response to compliments.

Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register or intensify certain emotions.[10] So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run. This will also help you feel happier about your appearance, and to accept the way you look.[11]

Other people will likely respond to you well when you smile at them, so in addition to making yourself feel happier, you may get a boost in confidence due to the feedback you get from other people as well.

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Part 1 Quiz

What is the "facial feedback theory"?

Smiling at others will help to boost their confidence.

Close! Of course, if you smile at others, there's a chance they will smile back at you, which makes you both feel good! Still, there's an intrinsic benefit to the facial feedback theory, even if no one else is around. There’s a better option out there!

If you smile when receiving a compliment, you will be more likely to believe it.

Not quite! Learning how to take compliments is an important skill, so work on believing the kind things others have to say about you. The facial feedback theory stands on its own, however. Guess again!

When you do something you are proud of, smiling will reinforce the feeling.

Almost! You should take pride in the great things you do and are, so work to cultivate the belief that you are good enough! Still, you should be smiling because you're happy with your success, not the other way around! Click on another answer to find the right one...

Smiling can encourage your brain to enhance your emotions.

Absolutely! You can trick your brain into being happy until you actually believe it. If you start the day with a big smile and continue on from there, your foundation is one of happiness and, ultimately, confidence. Read on for another quiz question.

Be comfortable with fear. You may think that people who are self-confident are never fearful. This simply is not true. Fear means you are at your growing edge. [12] Perhaps your fear is speaking in front of a group, introducing yourself to someone you don't know, or asking your boss for a raise.

When you are able to confront what you fear, you will gain self-confidence and you will feel the boost immediately!

Imagine a baby as she learns to walk. So much possibility awaits her. But she is fearful that she will fall as she takes those first steps. When she conquers her fear, and begins walking, a huge smile covers her face! This is you, pushing past your fears too.

Be patient with yourself. Sometimes you go backwards to go forwards. Gaining self-confidence does not happen overnight. [13] You might try something new and not meet your goal. If possible, see what lessons are there. Not meeting your goal the first time around is an opportunity to learn more about yourself. Self-confidence needs to be nurtured and grown, a bit at a time. [14]

For example, perhaps you ask your boss for a raise, and she says no. What can you learn from this? Reflect upon how you went about it. Was there something different you might have done?

Strive for balance. Like everything else in life, building self-confidence is about maintaining balance. Too little self-confidence can keep you from achieving your goals and feeling good about yourself. [15] On the other hand, it's important to be realistic -- you don't want to underestimate the time and effort needed to achieve your goals. [16]

Stop comparing yourself to others. If you want to build your self-confidence, then you have to focus on improving your own life for the better, not on making your life more like your best friend's, your older brother's, or like those of the celebrities you see on television. If you want to build up your confidence, then you need to know that there will always be someone who is prettier, smarter, and richer than you, just like there will always be someone who is less attractive, less intelligent, and less wealthy than you are; all of this is irrelevant, and what is relevant is caring about advancing your own goals and dreams.

You may lack confidence because you're convinced that everyone else has it better than you do. However, at the end of the day, it only matters if you're happy by your own standards. If you have no idea what those are, then it's time to do some soul searching before you move forward.

Additionally, studies have found that spending time on social media often encourages people to compare themselves with others. Because people tend to post only their triumphs and not their realities of daily life, it can seem as though the lives of others are more wonderful than your own.[17] This is likely not true! Everyone has ups and downs in their lives.

Recognize your insecurities. What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself? This could be anything from acne, to regrets, friends at school, or a past traumatic or negative experience. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior, identify it, give it a name, and write it down. You can then tear or burn these written pieces to start feeling positive on those points.

This exercise isn't meant to bring you down. It's meant to make you aware of the problems you're dealing with, and empower you to move past them.

Bounce back from your mistakes. Remember that no one is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities. At some point in any of our lives, we may feel we lack something. That is reality. Learn that life is full of bumps down the road. And that often these insecure feelings come and go, depending on where we are, who we are with, the mood we're in, or how we are feeling. In other words, they are not constant. If you've made a mistake, the best thing you can do is to recognize it, apologize, and make a game plan for avoiding it in the future.

Don't let one wrong turn make you think you don't have what it takes to achieve your dreams. Maybe you weren't a great boyfriend and your last relationship ended as a result. This doesn't mean you're not capable of turning your act around and finding love in the future.

Avoid perfectionism. Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals. If you feel like everything has to be done perfectly, then you'll never be truly happy with yourself or your circumstances.[18] Instead, work on learning to be proud of a job well done instead of wanting everything to be absolutely perfect. If you're in the mindset of a perfectionist, then you'll only be getting in the way of a more confident version of yourself.

Practice gratitude. Often at the root of insecurity and lack of confidence is a feeling of not having enough of something, whether it's emotional validation, material items, good luck, or money. By acknowledging and appreciating what you do have, you can combat the feeling of being incomplete and dissatisfied. Finding the inner peace that accompanies true gratitude[19] will do wonders for your confidence. Take some time to sit and think about all of the things you have going for you, from your wonderful friends to your health.

Sit down and make a gratitude list, writing down all of the things you are thankful for. Read it over and add to it at least once a week, and it will put you in a more positive, empowering frame of mind.

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Part 2 Quiz

How can you focus on your emotions and use them to combat the feeling of being incomplete and dissatisfied?

Stay off social media.

Close! Social media does tend to make us more comparative and sets an impossible standard. Limiting social media use will help to keep your perfectionist tendencies at bay, but there are more effective ways to approach feelings of dissatisfaction or not being enough. Guess again!

Be proud of the job you have done.

Almost! This is an important step to take in order to combat perfectionism, which can ultimately prevent you from achieving your goals. Click on another answer to find the right one...

Acknowledge and appreciate what you do have.

Correct! The sense of incompleteness or dissatisfaction often stems from a feeling of not having enough--emotionally, physically, or metaphorically. Writing down what you do have can show you all you have to be grateful for and undermine that sense of not having enough. Read on for another quiz question.

Recognize your insecurities.

Not exactly! Recognizing your insecurities is the most effective way to move past them and empower you to be your best self. It's not as helpful for feelings of insecurity or dissatisfaction. Choose another answer!

Take care of yourself. There are many small steps to this one action. It involves maintaining your personal grooming by bathing regularly, brushing and flossing your teeth,eating the right amounts of food and eating tasty and healthy food. It also means making time for yourself, even when you are very busy and when others monopolize much of your time.[20]

It may not seem this way, but when you take care of your basic needs, you are telling yourself you deserve the time and attention it takes to practice self care.

Put care into your appearance. You don't have to look like Brad Pitt to start building your self-confidence. If you want to feel better about who you are and how you look, then take care of yourself by showering daily, brushing your teeth, wearing clothes that fit you and your body type, and making sure that you've taken time with your appearance. This doesn't mean that superficial looks or style will make you feel more confident, but making an effort to mind your looks tells yourself that you're worth caring about.

Exercise regularly.[22] Part of taking care of yourself is getting exercise. For you, this may mean a brisk walk outside. For someone else, it may mean a 50-mile bike ride. Start where you are now. Exercise does not have to be complicated.

Many studies have shown that exercise is essential to a positive outlook on life, [23] and a positive attitude contributes to self-confidence. [24]

Sleep well. Getting 7-9 hours of sound sleep every night can help you look and feel better. It can help you have a more positive attitude and more energy. Plenty of sleep also helps you moderate your emotions and deal with stress more effectively. [25]

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Part 3 Quiz

What is the most important reason to maintain good hygiene?

You become more capable of dealing with stress.

Almost! Studies have shown that people who get enough sleep have more resources for dealing with stress and emotions. There's another benefit to maintaining good hygiene, but self-care overall is very important. Click on another answer to find the right one...

You are reorienting your priorities.

Not necessarily! Of course, it is important to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Still, self-care doesn't have to be complicated and you can practice good hygiene without making major changes. Try again...

You are telling yourself you deserve time and attention.

Correct! Even if your self-care routine is simple, it's important to show yourself that you deserve time and attention to look and feel good. Brushing your teeth, showering often and wearing clothes that fit you well are simple steps to improving your confidence. Read on for another quiz question.

You are creating a more positive outlook.

Close! While it's very important to practice good hygiene, you're actually going to develop a more positive outlook by working out. Good hygiene serves another purpose. Choose another answer!

Set small and achievable goals.[26] Often, people set unrealistic or unattainable goals, and either become overwhelmed with the challenge or never get started.[27] This is a real damper for self-confidence.

Imagine you wish to run a marathon, but are worried you would not be able to achieve this goal. Do not go out and try to run 26 miles on the first day of training. Begin where you are. If you are not a runner at all, set a goal to run just 1 mile. If you can run 5 miles relatively easily, then begin with 6.

For example, if you have a messy desk, perhaps it is too overwhelming to think about cleaning the entire desk. Begin by just removing the books and placing them back on the bookshelf. Even stacking the papers neatly to be sorted through later is movement toward the goal of cleaning your desk.

Embrace the unknown. People who lack self-confidence worry that they'll never succeed in an unpredictable situation. Well, it's time to stop doubting yourself and to try something completely new, unknown, and different. Whether you're traveling to a new country with friends or letting your cousin set you up on a date, making a habit of embracing the unknown can help you become more comfortable in your own skin and to feel like you're in control of your destiny — or, rather, that you're okay with not being in control. If you find that you're able to succeed even in a situation you didn't anticipate, then your confidence will go through the roof.

Spend more time with people who are adventurous and spontaneous. You'll soon find yourself doing something unexpected and feeling better about yourself because of it.

Address your perceived areas for improvement. There may be some things that you don't like about yourself that you simply cannot change, such as your height or the texture of your hair. However, there are likely many things that you view as weaknesses that you can address with a bit of dedication and hard work.

Whether you want to work on being more social or being better in school, you can make a plan to succeed and begin to carry it out. While you may not end up being the most social kid in school or your class valedictorian, you can go a long way in building your self-confidence just by making a plan to start changing for the better.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't try to change absolutely everything. Start with just one or two aspects of yourself that you would like to change, and take it from there.

Keeping a journal where you chart your progress in achieving your goals can make a big difference. This will help you think about how well your plan is working, and it can help you feel pride in the steps you have taken.

Seek to help others. When you know you're kind to the people around you, and are making a positive difference in other people's lives (even if it's just being kinder to the person who serves you coffee in the morning), you'll know that you are a positive force in the world — which will boost your self-confidence. Find a way to make helping others a part of your weekly routine, whether you volunteer at your local library or you help your little sister learn to read. The act of helping will not only benefit others, but it will build your confidence because you'll see that you have a lot to offer.

You don't have to help someone in your community to feel the benefits of helping others. Sometimes, someone close to you, such as your mother or your best friend, will need your help as much as anyone.

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Part 4 Quiz

What is the most important benefit of embracing the unknown?

You will feel more in control of your destiny.

Close! In the beginning, embracing the unknown will help give you a sense of control, but that's not what it's ultimately about. There’s a better option out there!

You will feel comfortable not being in control.

That's right! While you may get a sense of control or power, ultimately, embracing the unknown will help you feel comfortable not being in control. That sense of letting go will help you overcome many fears and make you feel more confident. Read on for another quiz question.

You will have more fun.

Not exactly! Sure, embracing the unknown will come with fun and adventure, but there are important elements about it that will ultimately impact your confidence and life. Click on another answer to find the right one...

You will hang out with like-minded people.

Try again! Trying new things will put you into the path of unique and interesting people that can help you feel more confident and capable. Still, you can develop new skills and traits by embracing the unknown even on your own. Try another answer...

Community Q&A

Challenge yourself each day to do one small thing to reduce your shyness. It may be raising your hand in class, asking the teacher a question or talking to a new classmate about your homework or an upcoming test. Overtime, doing these small things each day will make you more confident and less shy overall.

Any tips on how a person could become more comfortable talking to someone who they feel is better than them?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

First, try and stop thinking that that person is better than you. The odds are that you only see a fraction of his life, and it is likely he has just as many "flaws" as you do. Try to look at him as just another person. Your equal.

Why do I get frightened when I want to ask a question from my teacher?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

You get frightened because you dont want people looking at you. Or you just don't want to bring to much attention to yourself. These feelings are perfectly normal, but you can use this article to help you to feel more confident.

I am very talented in my studies, but in campus recruitment drives, I feel very tense because of my lack of communication skills. Some students in my class are not good in their studies, but they have good communication skills. I feel like I've lost confidence. How can I overcome this problem? Please could you give me some suggestions to help me get a job in the campus drive?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Stop comparing. People with more talent often fail to express them in comparison to those who have less talents. You will stand apart from the others in some or the other way. It could be your marks or your extra workshops, seminars or presentations. Express your ideas frankly in your own way without any fear of being knocked off. Be confident that what you have to say matters too.

What do I do when I hear negative comments that other people say about me before I have even spoken?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Always remember that these negative comments are either jokes not meant to offend, or false statements. Remember that words are just words, they won't affect your health, your family, your grades, nothing. Not even your self esteem once you stop caring. The people saying these comments will respect you once you show them you are confident and don't care, and if they don't, then they don't deserve to be friends with you anyway. If they're just making a joke, try not to take it personally.

I always worry about what others will think of me. How can I overcome this?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Try boosting your self-esteem, whether it's trying a new style of clothes or starting a new fitness program. Do whatever you can to make yourself truly happy and proud of being you. Remember all of the good qualities you have. As long as you have faith in yourself, and you're happy, that's all that truly matters.

I'm very shy in all matters, even with my siblings and parents. I want to build confidence, but I can't do it. What should I do?

Atladog

Community Answer

Fake it until you make it. Try to be open more, even just a little bit, like how you feel or what you want to do. You don't always need to talk to your family first, you can talk to your friends about wanting to build confidence and they can help you as well!

It may help, but a phobia is a fear, and fears can only be faced. Facing you fears is guaranteed to improve your self confidence. You can approach it from either end. Build up your self confidence, and you may soon be wondering why you were scared in the first place.

I have low grades on my exams and my mom has started comparing me with others, causing me to lose self-confidence. What do I do?

wikiHow Contributor

Community Answer

Study harder for your next exam so you'll do better on it. Also, talk things out with your mom. Tell her that you don't like it when she compares you with other people. After all, you are a unique human being.

Do not be afraid to push yourself beyond your physical or mental limits. Such a pressure would help you see how easily things can be achieved and thereby helps you hone skills. Step out of your comfort zone.

Do not get wrapped up in your mistakes and dwell on bad points. They could turn out to be a healthy contrast to your good points or even give you something to improve. There is no feeling like being good at something you were really bad at.

About This Article

This article was co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC. Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.

To build self confidence, replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts like "I can do this" and "I'm beautiful the way I am." Try to focus on the things you're talented at, and realize that you don't have to be good at everything. You can also build more confidence by spending time with friends and family members that make you feel good about yourself. Finally, avoid comparing yourself to others and focus on being the best version of yourself instead.

Reader Success Stories

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Dec 12, 2016

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May 4, 2018

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