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Australian man justifies 'stealthing' unsuspecting women

An Australian man who "stealths" his sexual partners thinks it is "ridiculous" women would object to him sneaking a condom off during sex without their knowledge or consent.

The dangerous sexual trend, known as "stealthing", has become the subject of global debate after a Yale Law School study found the "rape-adjacent" practice is on the rise.

But an Aussie man, known only as Brendan, said he removes condoms during sex "most of the time" because he is not bothered about contracting an STI or getting his partner pregnant and thinks it feels better.

"Pull it out, take it off, put it back in. Everyone's happy," he told Triple J's Hack program yesterday.

Study author Alexandra Brodsky argues unwanted pregnancy and STIs are not the only factor that make stealthing harmful for women involved.

"Survivors experienced nonconsensual condom removal as a clear violation of their bodily autonomy and the trust they had mistakenly placed in their sexual partner," she wrote in a study published this month.

Women involved in the study described the act as, "a threat to their bodily agency and as a dignitary harm" and feel they have been robbed of their right to make their own sexual decision.

Brendan does not believe agreeing to wear a condom is binding and said he thinks his behaviour is okay as he would not object if he was asked to put a condom back on.

"I just put one on and if nothing is said I take it off. I don't think it's breaking the law."

However, a man has received a 12-month suspected jail sentence for doing exactly this.

In January a Swiss court ruled the act was illegal and convicted a man of rape after he removed a condom without his Tinder date's knowledge.

The judge said, as the woman found out after the fact and would have refused to have had sex if she had of known it was unprotected, the act was not consensual.

The man appealed his conviction and the rape charge was downgraded to defilement in May, but his sentence was upheld. The courts agreed stealthing was a sexual crime but did not constitute rape, the New York Post reported.

Politicians in two US states have also called for stealthing to be criminalized as it is seen to sit in a legal grey area.

In Australia there is currently no legal precedent, nor is stealthing addressed in the Crimes Act, Triple J's Hack reported.

But Desiree Spierings, sex therapist and director of Sexual Health Australia, said the phenomenon is happening Down Under and can have a profound effect on victims.

"I have a client who went through that, although there wasn't a name for it then, and she communicated a real sense of disempowerment and fear when she entered other sexual situations," she told Nine.com.au

"You think you have played it safe by engaging in a conversation about protection so to have that decision made without your input can leave you feeling quite vulnerable."

Brendan argued he did not feel what he was doing was wrong because the women he had stealthed did not become visibly angry once they found out.

"No-one's ever angry but if someone asks me to put it back on I'll put it back on for sure. That's fair," he said.

But Dr Spierings said not all people react to confrontation the same and if they were afraid, uncomfortable or in shock they may not know how to communicate that they feel violated.

"This lady was so shocked and felt like that man was completely in control of the sexual encounter – they made a decision together to wear a condom but that was disregarded.

"It is fight, flight or freeze. When we fight we are verbal and highlight that was wrong but not all people react that way. Others don't know what to say or just walk away when they are afraid.

"They may find the words later but it is too late, even once it has gone back in it is too late really. "

She said it is not "ridiculous" for a woman to trust their sexual partner will not just do the right thing at the beginning of their tryst but throughout the whole encounter.

The Sydney-based therapist said two consenting adults agreeing to have protected sex serves as a verbal contract, and if the condom is removed without one party being involved you are breaking that contract.

"The sex that was consented to was protected sex, so if removing a condom is not consented to there is a real betrayal of trust. A real betrayal full stop. It is not ethical sex."

She acknowledged many of her male clients have expressed sex feels better without a condom but argued that "doesn't make it right to make the decision about protection by themselves".

"If it was agreed a condom would be used initially then it was taken off, they know they are violating that trust and that it is not consented to – in that way it is a power thing making the choice for them which is how it can be similar to rape.

"It is not the same as rape but the victims are not in control of making that decision and an agreement has been broken. It is a violation."

Dr Spierings said her client feared she had contracted an STI from having unprotected sex and the drawn out testing process brought her considerable anxiety.

"You need to get a second test after three months for HIV so it was a prolonged experience."

She said the risk of STI's going untreated was also high considering not all women catch their partners in the act and are unaware they could have been exposed to a disease at all.

Brendan claims his stealthing is predominantly about how sex feels without a condom.

However, the Yale study also found a percentage of men who used the practice as they felt it was their right to "spread their seed".

"While one can imagine a range of motivations for ‘stealthers’ — increased physical pleasure, a thrill from degradation — online discussions suggest offenders and their defenders justify their actions as a natural male instinct — and natural male right, " the study found.

Brodsky recommends lawmakers all over the globe consider the consequences of stealthing and demand change for the women involved who "deserve better".

Readers seeking support should contact 1800 RESPECT.

If you have been a victim of stealthing and would like to tell your story, you can contact me at bgrantgeary@nine.com.au.