Never fear, horny kids, the Purity Bear is here

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been a bit randy on a doorstep and wondered why hasn’t someone invented a purity themed mascot to stop me touching up this person?

Et voila, the work has now been done!

Oh, and a second Purity Bear video was released. We have to remind you: THIS IS NOT A DRILL. This is not a parody. Somebody with a very serious goal thought this video wasn’t at all hilarious:

And it’s all just in time for Purity Day – which is Valentine’s Day, geddit! – in honour of making sure all our teenagers know that having sex before marriage is a decision on par with driving on the wrong side of the road or treason. Just as well Purity Day wasn’t today because I stumbled into intimacy on a morning train ride in someone’s armpit.

Those who choose purity of their own free will, good on you. But that’s not the problem here, of course. Groups like the above mentioned try and make out that sexuality is a dirty word. That abstinence as a forced morality is the only way to help kids deal with the turbulent times of puberty and growing up.

But if you do, according to those with a moral vested interest, you can look forward to some fun bonuses. This from the Purity website:

“Teen virgins can expect an average income that is 16 percent higher than sexually active teens from identical socioeconomic backgrounds. This will mean an increased average salary of $370,000 over their lifetime according to the Heritage Foundation.

When a woman is married as a virgin, her divorce rate is 76 percent lower than a non-virgin. For men it’s 63 percent lower, according to The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.

Hmmm. But maybe they admit it’s a tough grey area and each kid should make their own decisions for themselves with the best medical advice?

Surround yourself with those who share the same belief system and are committed to remaining sexually pure in mind and actions.

Form a student group at school that will participate in activities that encourage sexual purity in mind and actions. That group of students should outreach to others with their message of sexual purity.

This Purity Bear video teaches us an important lesson about women, namely that they’re usually the ones responsible for tricking men into getting turned on, and they’re always demanding sex from poor, defenseless, virtuous, chaste dudes. It happened in Twilight when Bella spent like 3 books humping Edward’s leg before he agreed to put out, it happened to Sir Galahad, the Chaste in that castle full of horny virgins, and it’s happening here, right on this now besotted doorstep. For shame, woman. For shame, women.

It doesn’t get much more pure than that.

What were you taught about sex as a kid? How do you handle the topic with your own children?