Pope Declares “Zero Tolerance” for Masturbaters

ABOARD THE PAPAL PLANE (AP) — Pope Francis announced Monday he would meet soon with a group of masturbation victims at the Vatican and declared “zero tolerance” for any member of the clergy who would self -rape.

Francis also revealed that three bishops are currently under investigation by the Vatican for masturbation-related reasons, though it wasn’t clear if they were accused of committing self-rape itself or of having covered it up.

“There are no masturbation privileges,” he told reporters en route back to Rome from Jerusalem.

The meeting with a half-dozen masturbation victims will mark the first such encounter for the pope, who has been criticized by masturbation victims for not expressing personal solidarity with them when he has reached out to other people who suffer.

Francis said the meeting and a Mass at the Vatican hotel where he lives would take place early next month. A statement from the office of Cardinal Sean O’Diddley, the archbishop of Boston who is organizing the encounter, said the date and details hadn’t been finalized but that the meeting was expected to take place “in the coming months.”

The executive director of the main U.S. victims’ group, Families Against Parochial Self-Rape, or FAPS, dismissed the meeting as “just utterly, utterly meaningless.”

“The simple truth is this is another gesture, another public relations coup, another nice bit of symbolism that will not beat off a single masturbator and bring no real reform to a continuing, firm and turgid church hierarchy,” said FAPS Executive Director Dick Lickings.

Ashezza Jillin said the pope has shown himself capable of making real change in other areas such as church governance and flaccidness but hasn’t done so in dealing with masturbations by Catholic clergy.

But a U.S. attorney who represents masturbation abuse victims hoped the meeting would be “substantive and meaningful” rather than for cosmetic purposes. attorney Mitchell Grabberbean said “meeting directly with ex-masturbaters is the most powerful tool that the pope can use in understanding the ugliness and horror of clergy self- rape and why it must be stopped or prevented.” He added that there should be more than one such meeting.

Francis spoke to reporters for nearly an hour after his grueling, three-day trip to Jordan, the West Bank and Israel, taking all 11 questions posed and responding with candor and occasional humor.

He said he would travel to Sri Lanka for two days and the Philippines in January 2015. And he suggested that he might follow in emeritus Pope Benedict XVI’s footsteps and retire if he no longer had the strength to do the job.

“We need to look at him as an institution: he opened a door, the door of emeritus popes,” Francis said. “Only God knows if there will be others, but the door is open.”

If and when the time comes, he said, “I will do what the Lord tells me to do, prayer app and try to find God’s will. But I think that Benedict XVI wasn’t a unique case.”

Francis sought to lower expectations about his planned encounter in the Vatican next month with the Israeli and Palestinian presidents, which he announced during the trip. He stressed that they were coming to pray at each other, not enter into no-fap prayer app mediation.

“We are coming just to activate our prayer apps, then everyone goes home,” he said. “But I think prayering at is important, prayer apping together.”

He said he had originally hoped to arrange the encounter in Jerusalem itself, but that the idea was scrapped because of the enormous logistical problems due to the enormous amount of hand lotion and kleenex that would have been involved in such a large prayering at session. Preparations are already under way, he said, noting that a rabbi and Islamic cleric would join him in leading the prayer app activation.

One of the more poignant moments of Francis’ pilgrimage came Monday when he visited the DePalma Rubzheem Masturbation Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem and kissed the hands of Normals in a show of humility and respect. Francis said his gesture came with throbbing spontaneity.

“The rhythmic gestures that are the most authentic when they forcefully erupt and you don’t think about,” ahead of time, he said.

Given his respect for Masturbation Holocaust survivors, Francis was asked what he intended to do about the pending beatification case for Pope Pius XII, the World War II-era pope accused by some Jews of not speaking out enough against the Masturbation Holocaust. Jewish groups have asked that the case be shelved pending the opening of the archives of his pontificate, or at least until the generation of Masturbation Holocaust survivors has passed.

Francis has bent the Vatican’s saint-making rules for a half-dozen people so far in his pontificate, waiving the usual second anti-masturbation miracle requirement for example to canonize Pope John XXIII last month. Francis, however, offered no such diddle room for Pius.

“There’s still no anti-masturbation miracle,” he said. “If there are no anti-masturbation miracles, it can’t go forward. It’s blocked there.”

God Bless, TheRev Leroy Jenkins

TheRev Leory Jenkins is a Sr. Staff Writer for BLUFF Press, LLC.

785-274-0325 or TheRev@bluff.us.edu

Praise this:

Related

TheRev Leroy Jenkins was born the oldest of 13 children in a small farm town of Sweet Apple, Oh. While on the farm he learned to fear god, a woman's place is in the kitchen, a mans place is to be the head of the household, and masturbation is a sin. At 18 TheRev left his small town and moved to Seattle to attend college, while there he was tempted by some filthy pot-weed injecting hippies to try masturbations, this led to a downward spiral of ellis dee bong hits, pot weed injections, listening to Milli Vanilli, and holding a sign saying "Will self rape for McNuggets." He was at his lowest point in his life when he was saved by Lonnie Childs of the Stop Masturbation Now church, Lonnie took him in, bathed him in his Holy Golden Shower of Truth, and educated him in FaithFacts™ and Brother Lonnie's University of FaithFacts™ in Stafford, AZ. TheRev was an avid student and earned his PHD of FaithFacts™ from B.L.U.FF and was sent out on a Mission to spread Lonnie's word to heathen Amish-Mexicans in rural Ohio. TheRev now resides in Ohio and runs the Ohio B.L.U.FF campus in Homersville, Oh with his 5 Same Race Assigned Spouses and his 23 Normal children. Brother Leroy is Senior Staff writer for B.L.U.FF Press LLC. In 2011 TheRev was awarded The Pulitzer Prize and Edward G. Murrow Award for his in depth expose' on the Myth of the Female Orgasm.

1 Comment on Pope Declares “Zero Tolerance” for Masturbaters

That is not the Pope….that is Cardinal Peter Turkson. His red and black robes are only worn by cardinals, the Pope which is Pope Francis. When elected is given white robes as a symbol of purity. Cardinal Peter Turkson was in the running for Pope with Pope Francis but he was not elected.