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Frankly, this sounds more like The Simpsons' Springfield than Missouri's to me.

You all knew love triangles were messy, right? But did you know they were this messy? The question mark at the end of the above headline is not a typo, as The Riverfront Times reports on their local blog.

Springfield officials aren't quite sure how the dude lost his finger, but they do know the following: a man named Demetrius Burnett went to his ex-girlfriend's house and found her in bed with another guy, at which point Burnett came after the guy with a croquet mallet from her kid's room. Yikes.

The final account of damages were 52 surgical staples to the guy's head to repair the croquet wallop, and a missing finger that nobody can seem to account for. The guy who lost the finger, understandably, passed out just a few minutes into the beating, and Burnett's naturally claiming he wasn't even there. If this was Law & Order: SVU, the chick they were fighting over would totally be the one who took the finger, but it'd be because she was going through some sort of intense personal issue, and Detective Benson would help her trust people again? Or something? (Feel free to give me story credit for that one, NBC.)