ELTON JOHN SHOCKER: “I’M NOT GAY!”

I wrote this back in March 2000 for a satire web site that was trying to compete with The Onion. The site didn’t last long, even though I thought some of the material was pretty funny. If you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one. It’s just a joke…fag.

Flamboyant Rocker Jumps Back In The Closet

After coming out of the closet in the 1990s, flamboyant pop star Elton John, is back in with a shocking announcement last Thursday.

“All my life, I’ve been living a lie,” John said. “I’m not gay, nor have I ever been gay. I’ve never sucked a cock in my life!”

Elton John—”Do I look gay to you?!”

The news came as a shock to fans and colleges alike, many of whom were under the impression that John had been a cornholer for well over twenty years. But John says it was all a publicity stunt which took on a life of its own under the forces of political and social pressures.

“When I called of my engagement in the early ’70s, the record company thought it would be better if I just acted really gay instead of admitting that I didn’t want to marry that evil bitch,” John explains. “The fact that my songs are so effeminate and that I collaborate with flaming homo Bernie Taupin helped support the myth. But I’m not gay. I’m not into dicks…I’m into chicks! I love the feel, touch and taste of fine pussy as much as the next guy. Maybe even more. I love pussy!”

Rocket Man

News of John’s heterosexuality shocked organizers of AMFAR, the world’s biggest AIDS research organization. John had been one of AMFAR’s biggest supporters and fundraisers. But all that is over now, according to John.

“I was pressured into supporting these organizations by notorious fag hags Elizabeth Taylor and Princess Diana. I never wanted to endorse these groups, but I feared these closet dykes would expose my secret. I was blackmailed into supporting homo-erotic art and raising money for AIDS research,” John said.

“Well, fuck all those dirty faggots and their filthy butt-sex disease! I’m such a goddamned man, I won’t even fuck a woman in the ass because it reminds me of those depraved bone-smugglers!” John continued, adding, “I do enjoy a good blowjob, though.”

John said he is relived he must no longer keep his true self a secret.

“Now that Diana is dead and Liz weighs close to 500 pounds and is immobile, I feel the real truth can finally come out,” John said. “I like to fuck women!”

When asked for comment, Elizabeth Taylor said she was in the middle of diner and could not be disturbed. Princess Diana was still dead at press time.