Kris Jenner Is a Raging Drunk, Virgin ‘Bachelor’ Sean Leads a Double Life, Suri Cruise Is Dating + More in This Week’s Tabloids

We read Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Star, Life & Style and In Touch this week — so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome.

This week, baby weight battles are raging in the headlines, Michael Jackson was murdered, Angelina Jolie has taken up collapsing as a hobby, Kris Kardashian likes martinis while Kim Kardashian likes to eat, Suri Cruise is already hooking up, and all kinds of other really real stuff you’d have to read to believe.

Us Weekly

Us Weekly

Us Weekly is reporting from the frontline of the baby weight battles and bringing us the gritty, real stories of Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian in the epicenter of the weight war.

Both are six months pregnant. Both are constantly bullied and judged. Both have support systems and are fighting back. You decide which one is too thin and which one is too fat.

And when you get done being horrified at how we judge the bodies of women who are with child, take a look at Jessica Alba’s sexy beach photos. After you see her abs, you’ll need a mixed drink after the mixed message.

Because the reproductive abilities of some celebrities are the only thing keeping them famous at this point, there’s also talk of Halle Berry’s baby shock and the news that she’s pregnant at 46. Bookies now finished with basketball bets are taking wagers on whether we'll fixate more on her age or her weight during her gestation period.

Real Housewives Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice have called a truce in their family crisis. Turns out Truce is the name of their psychic, though, so credit where credit is due: to tarot cards and Ouija boards.

National Enquirer

National Enquirer

The National Enquirer played tabloid magazine and judge and jury this week declaring that in the case of Michael Jackson’s death, it was murder. They have explosive new evidence and unprintable photos that reveal the bombshell secret his kids are hiding. Their violent metaphors go a long way toward making his quiet death a real page-turner.

Also this week, a very concerned Brad Pitt warns a skeletal Angelina Jolie, “You’re killing yourself!” According to the cover of the magazine, the 93 pound star collapses and, on top of that strange hobby, she’s not eating. Someone should put her in touch with the people who are (allegedly) paying Kim Kardashian to get fat.

To round out the screaming death stories, there is a farewell tribute to Annette Funicello. This tribute also includes her kids’ heartbreaking decision. Because a lovely tribute without any shocking secrets would be way too boring. We are, however, proud of the Enquirer for not commenting on her bikini body.

And, in case you almost missed it, apparently Lou Ferrigno – former star of the show ‘The Incredible Hulk’ – was Michael Jackson’s trainer. He said, “Hulk mad about MJ's murder.” And then, “He was fit and ready to perform.” Followed by, “Hulk smash.” We think his pants strategically ripped at some point during the interview as well.

Star

Star

She’s not gaining or losing weight, but Kris Kardashian is cover-worthy this week because she’s drunk and alone. As Bruce Jenner is drawing up divorce papers, Mama K is “unconscious by 5 p.m.” Maybe she’s drinking so much because her $175 million empire is collapsing like so much Angelina.

We can’t blame her. Numbing the pain with martinis is way more cathartic and fun than taking up knitting or getting a real job. (Trust us. We know.)

After we made our sympathetic Kardashian martini, we read all about Hollywood’s 20 most hated stars. If the cover graphic that lists J. Lo at number three, Anne Hathaway at number nine and Chris Brown at number 20 is any indication, only one person deserves to be on the list and they seem to be counting backwards. We’re gonna go LMFAO on this one and say “hatin’ is bad.”

Don’t worry, country music fans, we haven’t abandoned the Miranda Lambert/Blake Shelton drama. The trusty tabloids won’t give up on a story just because it’s not true. Instead they’ll give you the untold story – ahem, perhaps for a reason – of the lover Miranda dumped for Blake.

Coincidentally, he looks just like Blake, so it’s possible she just got them mixed up at some point and didn’t realize it until she was already married and it was too late.

Not ones to let a cover go by without something about someone’s weight, Star lets us know that there are new anorexia fears for Snooki. A little blue graphic indicates that she weighs 80 pounds. Right now, somewhere, Angelina has a new goal.

Life & Style

Life & Style

Life & Style has uncovered the virgin Bachelor’s double life. Sadly, the wedding is off because fiancé Catherine Giudice has discovered Sean Lowe is not the man she fell in love with. That dude was surrounded by cameras and was always taking her on exotic trips and giving her expensive presents. This one? Nice abs, but meh.

Oh, and since he’s been caught with other women, out downing shots in wild clubs and choosing fame over love, she bailed on him. A girl can only take so much without a TV contract.

In case you hadn’t noticed, Kim Kardashian is having a body crisis. It’s called the nothing fits me crisis. Exclamation. And it’s caused by being pregnant and happens to all women who give birth. That’s why there are maternity clothes.

Hey lady, you have your own clothing line. Make something that fits you and then get over it. Also, this isn’t an '80s sitcom. You can’t hide behind that purse forever.

You may find it hard to believe because the competition is pretty stiff, but ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ is in the midst of the biggest fight ever. Well, not anymore. We learned earlier in Us Weekly that Teresea Giudice and Melissa Gorga patched things up, but it could still be the biggest fight.

Until next week when someone’s extensions are pulled loose or a favorite plastic surgeon is dissed. Then it's ON.

Jennifer Aniston is all smiles as she discusses her upcoming marriage and finds that the second time’s a charm. We aren’t saying she said it, but the words on the cover of the magazine imply that the wedding to Brad was a mistake. Okay, they don’t so much imply it as they flat out say it was a mistake. But if Angelina's apparent health crisis is real, it's a good thing Brad's around. Someone has to catch her during all that collapsing nonsense.

In Touch

In Touch

Finally, Kim Kardashian’s baby weight issues are explained in shouty yellow exclamation points. A shocking new claim tells us that she’s being paid to get fat. Fat alter ego, aka Pregnant Kim, is being accused of scheming to make millions off her massive weight gain.

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: This is a brilliant move. We want to know her secret because there’s a cheese danish in the break room calling our name and a gym membership card in our wallets we'd be happy to ignore for a while.

Meanwhile, In Touch doesn’t want your boobs to feel left out of the body image debate, so it's included an insightful piece on star boob blunders. Seems the biggest blunder here is when celebs go out with little yellow arrows stuck to them pointing out their physical flaws. Really, they should check for those before they leave the house.

There is some face-scrunching drama going on over at ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta.’Phaedra Parks says “Kenya hit on my husband!” Like, the whole country? Wow. Her husband must be hot. The last time an entire nation hit on a dude was back when Germany decided David Hasselhoff made a good pop star. This is big news.

Suri Cruise has gone on a date with one lucky boy. Because every kid wants to be followed around by paparazzi and put up with some girl’s crazy dad during the awkward, formative years of his life.

Oh, also, Suri is seven. We aren’t sure it’s a date if neither of you have learned enough math to leave a tip or count out cab fare.

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