V-DAY

by Tim Miller

There are those who might think that celebrating Valentine's Day by having you
and your partner refused a marriage license is not the most romantic way to
mark the holiday. I suppose I can understand that sentiment, but personally
I can't imagine a more real, emotional, and tender way to escape from the Hallmark
Card platitudes of February 14. Since more straight folks choose to get engaged
or married on Valentine's Day than on any other day of the year, Marriage Equality
California staged rallies all over the state to advocate for equal civil marriage
rights for gay couples. Gathering outside of courthouses and city halls, Marriage
Equality California drew attention to the injustice lesbian and gay partners
face in our state by being denied the 1049 special heterosexual privileges of
marriage.

That long list of rights denied gay people matters a lot to my partner and I.
Alistair is from Australia and we, like all gay bi-national couples in America,
are denied the same immigration privileges that are reserved for straight married
couples. We are facing the scary reality that unless America changes its unfair
laws, we will be forced to leave the United States in about a year and seek
immigration asylum in a more civilized country than the US in order to maintain
our relationship. Obviously this motivated us to get in the car and head into
town from our cozy house! I confess I had resisted going throughout the morning
- do we really want to put ourselves through the wringer on V-Day - but I was
really glad we did.

From Los Angeles to Sacramento, San Francisco to Eureka, hundreds of Californians
gathered on Valentine's Day to protest this denial of gay people's civil rights.
Alistair and I went to the Feb 14 Demonstration at the marriage license office
at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. I wanted to mark Valentine's Day with my partner
of seven years by protesting how gay folks' relationships are treated so disrespectfully
in our country. I hope some day Alistair and I won't need to spend our V-Day
putting ourselves in the position where our relationship is refused validation
by a governmental official behind bulletproof glass, but that's life in America
in 2001! Surrounded by gay couples and supporters huddled there for support
in the shadow of governmental buildings that do not respect our humanity, rally
speakers Robin Tyler, Mitchell Anderson, Rabbi Denise Eger and others spoke
passionately against the injustice of not allowing gay and lesbian couples the
right to marry. Then - the big moment-the couples who were planning to request
a marriage license prepared to challenge the laws of our state.

Alistair and I joined many couples who were going to attempt to apply for a
marriage license. First things first, we fill out the form. Immediately the
sexism and homophobia of the document leaps out at us and we quickly cross out
the word bride and "correct" the form so there were two grooms! We
took turns in our blocky letters to write down our father's names and what our
mothers were called before they were married. This was so moving - this ritual
of calling up the parents, putting our names and our love on the line.

Sticking close to the nice lesbian couple in front of us --I always look to
dykes for moral support -- we went through the metal detectors, approached the
glassed in processing windows and gave our form to the official. It was refused,
of course. She read from a form (they were prepared) and told us that in the
State of California a marriage can only be between a man and a woman (who knew?!?!).
The woman behind the glass, who was very sweet and seemed a little ashamed of
her job this particular day, advised us to take it up with our elected officials.
Always ready to climb on my soapbox, I said to her, "I know this is not
your fault, but I want you to know that because we don't have the same rights
as straight Californians, my partner and I will be forced to leave the country
next year. " She shrugged and tried to melt under the counter. We walked
out the double doors clutching our rejected marriage license application.

All over California on Valentine's Day, dozens of same-sex couples lined-up
at government counters to apply for a marriage license. We peacefully demanded
full and legal recognition of our relationships and one after another were told
that gay people cannot request these rights in our state and our applications
were all denied. I believe this should piss us off, get us cranky and maybe
get us off our butts. I have never felt a more tangible denial of my equality
than to be being told I can't get a license while straight couples breezed by
around me. GRRRR. This felt like one of the most useful demos I've gone to in
years. It is almost surreal to have someone explaining to me that my relationship
of seven years doesn't count while to my right a straight couple who seemed
to have just fallen out of a sleazy singles bar get the seal of approval.

On the other hand, I have to say I was also inspired by the strong gestures
made by heterosexual gay marriage supporters like Bruce Bradley and his partner
Lisa. Bruce is one of the organizers of Marriage Equality California and we
need a million cool straight folks like him. Bruce and Lisa appeared at the
rally, ripped their application for marriage license in two, and Bruce movingly
spoke, ""My partner Lisa and I filled out this marriage license application
today. If we turn this in, we will be granted hundreds of rights. Lisa and I
were engaged in 1999. When we learned about marriage discrimination, we decided
we could not legally marry until our gay and lesbian friends could do the same.
And I ask every heterosexual couple who cares about equality to do the same.
If you wouldn't eat in a restaurant that refused service to people because of
the color of their skin, or you wouldn't join a country club that refused membership
to Jews, then do not participate in an institution that discriminates against
gay and lesbian Americans." As Bruce and Lisa tore the form in half, he
said, "This is what we think of this piece of paper --and we will not get
legally married until you can do the same." WOW!

Well, that's how we spent Valentine's Day. By the time we got home later that
afternoon, we were too beat to go have the romantic dinner and then go see Chocolat
(A straight, date movie I know. But we love Johnny Depp!). As we drove home,
a vision started to be take form in my mind's eye. I could see a time when filling
out this marriage license form wouldn't just be an activist gesture doomed to
rejection. There was a sweetness to imagine that some day in the future we might
actually live in a society where gay people's love would also be valued. To
stand there in front of the courthouse filling out the marriage license form
with Alistair had been very powerful for me. Conjuring that future is going
to require many such hopeful and quixotic acts, a thousand such fierce gestures
that dare to shout that our love is worthy and our hearts are strong. Happy
Valentine's Day.