Wait, Am I On A Date?

This is the next chapter in my outdoor dating series. Is this a series? I keep writing about it, so I guess so. Today I want to talk about something that seriously can’t happen only to me. This has to be a phenomenon or at least something common: The Non-Date Date.

Here’s how it goes:

Most outdoor pursuits require a partner for maximum radness. Safety, company, picture-taking, drive-sharing, gas-money-paying, load carrying, beer-buying – all that contributes to said radness. So it’s not that unusual to cast a wide net when planning an excursion. “Are you busy tomorrow?” “Can you go skiing Friday?” “Want to climb Mt. Marcus Baker this weekend?” “Care for the Eklutna Traverse on our days off?” That is what my text message outbox looks like if you filter out the snarky comments and off-color jokes.

Sadly, all too often my trolling for partnersdemands kind invitations are gently rebuffed by my friends. “Sorry, family day.” “Can’t, haven’t seen my girlfriend in a week.” “Nope, stuck at work,” say my cadre of stalwart partners. In this way antisocialish (not really) me is forced to broaden my social circle; well, that and losing friends to Facebook makes me have to keep participating in societal rituals like parties and gatherings. Kidding! I like to socialize. Sometimes. Other times I just want to go fricking skiing!

So anyway, reaching out to new people evidently leads to ambiguity. An innocent “Want to go ski Turnagain tomorrow?” turns into a seething cauldron of awkwardness when, halfway up the first lap, I seem to be, unexpectedly, on a date.

It’s subtle, the dread that seeps in as awareness builds. Why did he bring cocoa for two in a cunning little two-cup set? That’s weird. Hmmm, he’s awfully deferential about the day’s objective and the line we’re going to ski. Is he new at this or what? Wait, it does seem as if he’s bothered to change his base layer for this excursion; he doesn’t stink to high heaven like my other friends. He hasn’t belched, peed, or hacked up a loogie once so far. At the top of the climb while I’m ripping skins he asks some awkward question about whether I have any siblings or where I was born or what my college major was. Oh shit, am I on a date?

Crap, I thought we were just going skiing. I just wanted a safety partner for the day, not to talk about my childhood and my hopes and dreams for the future. I don’t want anyone to Get To Know Me today, I just want them to spot me down this line that’s too big to ski solo. What do I do now? Chances are I’ve never thought of this person in that way. I certainly didn’t think of my ski day in that way. The first few dates are for going to dinner and concerts and art shows and hockey games and stuff like that, aren’t they? Who wants to go backcountry skiing on a first date? Not me. How did I not see this coming?

I honestly don’t know what you should do if you find yourself in this situation, so my advice today is for people who plan to turn their backcountry experience into a date: DON’T! In part this post was inspired by a comment from “Jon” on “How To (Properly) Meet Outdoorsy Women” in which I was thanked for encouraging would-be suitors to be up-front about their motives. It’s less confusing, don’t you agree?

Not that there’s anything wrong with falling in Like with an awesome outdoorsy woman. But you’ve got to handle your feelings in a productive manner that will likely lead to success. Moonily staring at her ass as she breaks trail on the skin track is not the way; she needs an alert and situation-oriented partner, not a drooling sack of hormones on skis. So how do you do this? What do you do if you like a woman who is into the outdoors? After you go read this and this and this, of course.

Done? OK, here’s some strategies for approaching this delicate situation:

1. Keep your feelings to yourself. If you figure out that you might Like this person while you’re doing outdoors stuff, great! Just save it for a more appropriate time, like when you’re done with the day, down from the mountains safe and sound, and are enjoying a beer in a relaxed environment. Then:

2. Ask her out. On a DATE. A real date, not a fake date disguised as something else. Accept the fact that your ski day was just a ski day and a date is something different. Just say, “Would you go on a date with me this weekend?” That’s impossible to misinterpret. Pretending your objective is a classic multi-pitch when really you’ve got your eyes on a classic make-out session is a) smarmy and b) probably just going to piss her off and make her uncomfortable. If you are interested in dating her, make sure she knows what she’s agreeing to. Nobody enjoys the sinking feeling of the realization that your bivvy partner is dreamily watching you sleep. In the meantime:

3. DON’T make your first move when you’re doing outdoors stuff. Dropping your hand onto your woman partner’s thigh on the chairlift is not the way to test the waters. Why? Because she can’t fricking get away from you! She’s trapped. If she’s feisty enough, she might push you off rather than tolerate your groping. If she’s nicer than that, you’re still moving into the dangerous waters of Alienation, Harassment, and Revulsion. Just don’t.

4. Be courteous, no matter what your intentions. You can bring along a summit beer or some extra snacks. That’s okay. Just don’t turn it to a Sound of Music-style picnic on a mountaintop UNLESS you told her ahead of time that’s what you were doing. Who knows, that extra PBR might score you points, so go ahead and offer. Just be mellow about it and don’t take a refusal personally. Treat her like you would any of your regular partners, and if you’re not courteous and kind to your regular partners, you might want to consider starting there before trying to date anyone anyway.

5. Be cool. If you’ve won your lady’s heart, or at least her passing interest, keep yourself together, man! Not every other skier is a potential threat to your future happiness; not every climber needs to see you flexing your lats to be discouraged from hitting on your lady; not every dude yelling “single” in the lift line wants to elbow you out of the picture. Maybe consider that the guy she just stopped to talk to is one of her FRIENDS, you know, someone she knew before you. The outdoors set is still a small community and if you act like an ass to someone near and dear to her, you’re not going to impress her. You’ll earn yourself a one-way ticket to Dumpville (population: you; right Homer?), and when the following weekend you find you’re stuck in your college roommate’s 1981 Subaru wagon, full of empty beer cans and dirty long-johns because he’s the only one who would go skiing with you, you only have yourself to blame.

Best of luck to you. Other reading material, if you didn’t follow the links:

7 comments on “Wait, Am I On A Date?”

And Jill cuts to the chase… yet again. Love it. So true, esp the last part- gotta be okay with guy friends. That’s all they are. And although I did find a guy while climbing, he did appropriately ask me out and it was pretty hands off until after our first ski day was over.

This has never happened to me. I think. I’m pretty sure. But I’m totally clueless while in running/cycling mode. I think it’s awesome advice though. Who wants to be bothered while you’re training? I’m busy then!

good advice for any guy, thanks. i look back and believe ive followed these guidelines already. however, from a guys view point, you asked him to go. you talk about being upfront with people with saying, i like you, instead of playing the game. everyone talks about how they hate the game and every one plays it. did you let him know up front it was cause you could find no one better to go with? maybe he thought it was a date and was gonna put his best foot forward. in earlier articles you speak of not talking about gear his/yours or his exploits and to talk to you about you, but when he asks you questions about you, now he has crossed the line. when in the BC i like to know my partner, and learning some basic life info i think tells you more about there BC skills than there thoughts for an exit strategy in iraq (cause we want to be safe). maybe you should have a handy little laminate of appropriate topics for convo for your ski partner. just a thought. im sure after this ill be recieved as your typical skin track D bag, but im not.

OK, deep breath. First, no one thinks you’re a douchebag. I mean, you’re a guy reading a women’s site and trying to understand what we’re saying. That’s awesome, a big step, and you’re almost there, really. I think the volume of information available in this comprehensive series on outdoor dating has just gotten you a little confused (that’s a joke, by the way, and not at your expense; most of these posts are just jokey satirical observations of the interactions between men and women in the outdoors. With a little truth thrown in).

So if I ask someone to go skiing, that’s what I’m asking them to do. Go skiing. If I want to ask someone on a date, I will ask them on a date. And I will frame it as such in the invitation. As in, “hey Andy, would you like to go on a date with me this weekend? I have tickets to the play at Cyrano’s. Want to come?” And you will know immediately that I am asking you out on a date. You can accept or decline based on whether you would want to go on a date with me. I suppose you could ask someone skiing for a date, but put it that way: “hey, would you like to go on a ski date with me?” Then she knows what’s up – and YOU know that if she accepts, hey, she wants to date you. So much information is passed along just by asking and answering direct questions!

If you’re asked to go skiing, then go skiing and treat it like you’re skiing, nothing more. Like you said, we all want to trust our partners in the backcountry so ulterior motives have no place out there. If you find yourself attracted to your ski partner, fine, no biggie. Just finish the ski portion of your outing, and then ask her on a date. You can use my script above. Then there is no confusion. And, if you find out that she’s a game player or is just acting weird or not being up front with you, you can quite fairly dump her cold, having done all you could do to make your interaction a pleasant and honest one.

As far as knowing someone well enough to go out in the backcountry with them – yeah, I’m with you there. It’s just that sometimes a conversation goes somewhere it wouldn’t, and you just know that person is trying to test the waters. I don’t like that feeling when I’ve got my mind on backcountry safety. Sure, get to know people that you’re skiing with, but comprehensive life history can wait. Personally I usually don’t go backcountry skiing with people that I don’t know at least a little about, so I cover that part before I go.

One other thing to consider, speaking of safety – women have to think about their personal safety a lot more than men do. A sad and unfair fact of life. So when we’re in a vulnerable position (isolated in the backcountry with no one else around, and with our partner our only support or assistance, or our only ride home, etc.) it’s likely to make us uncomfortable if we’re hit on out of the blue or if we find out that our “friend” has ulterior motives that he didn’t divulge before we drove ten hours and then hiked for two days into the backcountry. That kind of thing can indeed be quite scary and uncomfortable from a woman’s perspective. Who wants to spend a trip wondering if your partner, whom you thought was just a ski buddy, is going to crawl into bed with you? Believe me, it’s a crappy feeling.

I hope that helps clear things up a little bit?

Finally, though, don’t forget that all people are individual and this is just one person’s advice. Some people love game playing. Some women probably would dig getting hit on on a ski trip, who knows? All people are individuals, hence the policy of asking direct questions and answering them honestly whenever possible.

i hear you clucking big chicken. i totally understand the extra precaution of being a woman. totally sucks thats its that way. ive known to many females friends that have been assualted and all have been by “friends”. as for cyranos, im busy this weekend, i got some big knees to drop, but thanks for asking. lol.

a female friend turned me onto your site. i like it, fun and informative, and best of all, local.

bokk bokk bokk! Have fun this weekend. Had a great day on Peak 3 yesterday, don’t think I’ve been knee deep on Peak 3 in a good few years. Top ten day for the front range for sure, and Turny is just ridiculous lately.