When Two and a Half Men returns in the fall (how many days are left, can you check your tear-off calendar?), the season will open with the news of the death of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper. From TMZ:

Sources connected with the show tell TMZ Chuck Lorre’s plan is to make sure Charlie Sheen can NEVER come back on the show. Although the first show won’t be filmed until August 5, producers have been kicking around scenarios, which include Charlie driving a car over a cliff.

First of all, NEVER? In all caps? Give me a break. He can definitely always come back on the show. “‘Hey, I thought you were dead?’ ‘No, I was just…busy.’ [Hot woman enters the room.] [Laughter.] [Thunderous applause.]” But since we’re being told that we live in a world where normal rules apply to terrible TV shows, let’s have some You Can Make It Up + Best New Party Game fun and kill off Charlie Harper in each of our own wonderful ways. I’ll go first:

Charlie Harper enters a convenience store to booming laughter and thunderous applause. He scopes out the place before meandering up to the counter. “Hey, boss,” he says to the convenience store clerk, his words followed by booming laughter and thunderous applause. He leans on the counter. “Where can I get a couple of…,” he nods and winks and the clerk and his actions are followed by booming laughter and thunderous applause. The clerk is visibly confused — he’s not sure exactly what Charlie Harper means. “You know,” says Charlie, “Where can I get a couple’a…” and he makes the hand motions that mean “You know? You get it?” Booming laughter, thunderous applause. But the clerk doesn’t get it and is becoming agitated. “Sir, I don’t know what you’re asking for,” he says in some kind of accent as he triggers the silent alarm that he has under the counter, also triggering hesitant laughter and a smattering of applause. “I’m going to have to ask you to please leave my store now.” “Ahhh, come on man, you know what I’m saying here! You know?” Charlie asks, and then he makes a bunch of hand motions that don’t actually mean anything but are vaguely sexual while the booming laugher grows and thunderous applause reaches its highest volume. As he continues to make more and more elaborate hand gestures, the laugher and applause continue and the police rush into the convenience store and, mistaking his gestures for something that seems threatening, they shoot him and he dies. Booming laughter, thunderous applause.

Scene.

How do YOU want to kill Charlie Sheen’s fictional Two and a Half Men character, Charlie Harper?