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Tools and Resources

Bullying. Suicide. Emotional health and well-being. Concerns like these can be hard to talk about with the young people in your life. But talking can also be an important step.

Having a frank, open conversation can often give a young person the perspective and compassion they need when things seem to be overwhelming or hopeless, and can help them prepare for the challenges they might face online and on social media, or at home and in school.

That’s why we’ve created the Tools & Resources page of our website. Here you can read and download tip sheets with hints and advice about some of the most common challenges facing young people today. You can use these tools to help the young people you care about. And hopefully make that conversation a little easier to start.

Bullying comes in many forms, including name-calling, rumour-spreading, pushing and shoving. At its worst it can escalate to full-fledged assault. Bullying is anything but a “normal” part of growing up; it can leave its targets not only with permanent injuries but also with long-lasting emotional scars as well. Many young people who are bullied are too afraid or too embarrassed to ask for help.

What are the signs?

If a child is being physically bullied, you might see bruises on their body. But other forms — verbal, social, racial, sexual, or homophobic bullying — can be more difficult to spot. Young people targeted by bullying might become angry or withdrawn; any change in their behaviour — spending more time alone, seeming unhappy or irritable, talking less, or even having nightmares — should be taken seriously.

Types of bullying

Physical bullying includes pushing, shoving, kicking or pinching.

Verbal bullying includes insults or derogatory comments.

Social bullying includes ganging up on someone, spreading rumours, or manipulating friendships to make someone feel left out.

Cyberbullying includes spreading hateful text messages or emails, or creating websites to make fun of someone.

Racial bullying includes making racist jokes or making fun of someone’s cultural dress or diet.

Sexual harassment is also a form of bullying and involves sexual intimidation.

Relationship violence includes forcing a boyfriend/girlfriend to have sex or making fun of a boyfriend/girlfriend in public.

Homophobic bullying includes making fun of the sexual orientation of lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two-spirited, or queer/questioning (LGBTQ) individuals.

If you know a child who is being bullied

It’s important to remember that young people who are bullied are usually embarrassed about it and may not want you to get involved; you should adjust your response according to the situation, what’s happening and how it’s affecting that child. If the child’s safety is at risk, contact the necessary authorities — the school principal for example or, in more serious cases, the police.

The most important things to tell a child who is being bullied are:

It’s not your fault.

It can be stopped.

It’s okay to ask for help.

Don’t fight back — more violence or hurtful words will not solve the problem.

You have a right to protect yourself — find ways to stay safe and get the support you need.

I will help you, or find someone who can.

If you know a child who is bullying

Kids who bully other kids might be trying to deal with problems of their own that they need to work out. Many young people who bully are also the targets of bullying themselves. If you discover a child has been bullying other children, try to talk to them about it.

Here are some things you can ask:

Is something going on at school?

Are you upset about something?

Did something happen with your friends?

Do you want to talk?

You can also suggest the child gets in touch with a professional counsellor at Kids Help Phone — either online or by phone. They can learn more about bullying at kidshelpphone.ca.

Bullying is often about control and manipulation and can take a toll on a young person’s self-esteem.

Help is out there

Bullying can be difficult to deal with because it can be very persistent. Young people who bully may not give up easily, so it’s important to check in with a child who is being bullied to make sure the problem is being resolved. Make sure they feel safe and supported.

If you know a young person who is struggling with a problem, big or small, encourage them to contact us. We’re free, anonymous, confidential, and available 24/7/365.

Cyberbullying

What is Cyberbullying?

If someone is using technology such as cell phones or computers to intimidate or harass a child you care about, that child is being cyberbullied. Cyberbullying may include:

Harassing or threatening someone through instant messages (IMs), text messages, or emails or on social media.

Cyberbullying can be very damaging emotionally, especially since kids and teens often find it difficult to avoid phones and the Internet. Cyberbullying can happen anywhere, anytime — whenever a young person is online or has their phone. And because of the anonymous nature of the Internet, certain forms of cyberbullying — like spreading abusive rumours — can happen quickly and discreetly, sometimes before the young person being targeted even knows it’s happening.

How can I tell if a child is being cyberbullied?

Kids and teens who are being cyberbullied:

May seem upset when online.

Avoid the computer or quickly turn off the computer when adults approach.

Seem reluctant to go to school.

Appear withdrawn, anxious, or depressed.

Talking to a child about cyberbullying

Many young people try to hide cyberbullying from their parents or guardians because they’re afraid of losing their phone or computer privileges. But discussing the situation with an adult is the first step toward ending the harassment. So, if you are the parent or guardian of a young person who has experienced cyberbullying, it’s important to reassure them that you won’t take away their phone or computer privileges because of it. You should also try to avoid reacting with obvious fear or disappointment — it will just make them feel even more judged and alone.

It’s also important to prevent cyberbullying before it happens. You should develop clear rules about ethical online behaviour for the young people you care about. Tell them that no one should use the Internet to spread gossip, to bully, or to make threats against others, and that everyone should ask permission before they post and tag photos of others on their social networking pages. Try to make sure the young people in your life know how important it is to keep their passwords secret — even from their friends.

To help prevent cyberbullying, teach these four steps to the young people you care about:

Stop. It might be tempting to reply to a cyberbullying message, but it’s better not to retaliate.

Save. Don’t delete the message. Having a record can help a child prove what happened.

Tell. Teach youth to tell an adult whenever they are being cyberbullied.

What to do if you know a child who is being cyberbullied

Act immediately. Young people need to know that you can and will help. If the young person doing the cyberbullying is a student, consider reporting it to the school principal. If you feel that a child is physically at risk as a result of cyberbullying, call the police at once.

Stay aware. Keep computers in central locations where you can see them.

Be supportive. Don’t minimize what a child who is being cyberbullied is going through; listen to them, try to understand the impact the cyberbullying is having on them, and assure them that you are on their side.

Help is out there
Cyberbullying can be difficult to deal with because it can be very persistent. Young people who bully may not give up easily, so it’s important to check in with a child who is being bullied to make sure the problem is being resolved. Make sure they feel safe and supported.

If you know a young person who is struggling with a problem, big or small, encourage them to contact us. We’re free, anonymous, confidential, and available 24/7/365.

Suicide

Remember: Talk about suicide or suicide attempts should always be taken seriously.

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be tremendously stressful. Family, school, and social pressures are often overwhelming for young people who lack the life experience to put these challenges in context. When combined with mental health problems, such as depression, these struggles can put young people at risk for suicide.

How can I tell if a young person is suicidal?

There is no way to tell if someone is suicidal, but there are some common warning signs that might suggest a young person is at risk. Kids who are suicidal may exhibit some or all of the following behaviours (the bold items indicate a special risk):

They may talk about or threaten suicide.

They may seem preoccupied with death, dying, and suicide (for example, in a diary or drawings).

They may have previously attempted suicide.

They might express part of or a whole plan to attempt suicide, or they may describe methods of dying by suicide.

They might try to give away meaningful belongings.

Often they may seem to lose interest in friends, school, sports, or hobbies.

They may show signs of depression or hopelessness.

They may have recently lost a friend or family member — in particular a parent — to suicide.

They might be conflicted or ashamed about their sexual orientation.

They might use alcohol or drugs heavily.

Often they may show changes in their typical behaviour, including: hygiene, eating, sleeping, or mood.

Talking to a young person about suicide

Talking to young people about suicide can be difficult, but it will help them feel less alone and make it easier for them to accept help. Here are some tips:

DO…

Start gently. Mention the changes you’ve noticed in their behaviour, such as: “I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot of time alone lately; is something bothering you?”

Be direct. Ask a kid if he or she is considering suicide: “Are you thinking about hurting or killing yourself?” If the answer is yes, find out if they have a plan: “How are you planning to do it?” The more detailed the plan, the higher the risk.

Remind them you care. People who feel suicidal are often worried that they are a burden, so it’s important to communicate to them that you love them and want to help them through this.

Tell them help is available and that you have hope for them. Tell them that things can get better, and that you will support them in finding help and working toward a happier future — however long it takes. You can make an appointment with your family doctor to talk about options that are available in your community. You can also pass along the Kids Help Phone number: 1-800-668-6868 so they can talk to a counsellor.

DON’T…

Judge. Let the young person do the talking and try to avoid interrupting or expressing disappointment.

Talk too much. Don’t try to fill all the silences in the conversation. The pauses might result in the young person opening up more.

Minimize the young person’s suffering by saying things like “Life isn’t fair” or “It’ll pass.”

If a young person has a plan to die by suicide

Do not leave the young person alone. Make an appointment with your family doctor as soon as possible for an assessment. If a doctor is unavailable, take the young person to the Emergency Room at your local hospital

Getting help for yourself

Knowing that a young person in your life is suicidal can be incredibly difficult. As a parent or a guardian, you might feel judged or blamed for what your child is going through, or you may feel that it is your fault. It’s not. Avoid the temptation to criticize or blame yourself. Support is crucial during this time; create a network of people you can talk to about your feelings, such as friends, family members, spiritual leaders, counsellors, or anyone else who can listen and assist. You don’t have to go through this alone.

If you know a young person who is struggling with a problem, big or small, encourage them to contact us. We’re free, anonymous, confidential, and available 24/7/365.

Online Safety

As the old public service announcement used to say, “It’s eleven o’clock; do you know where your kids are?” Today the answer will likely be “online.” After all, that’s where their music, movies, and friends are. Unfortunately, it’s also where they may find threats such as cyberbullying, exploitation, and online gambling. So to help you keep your kids safe online, we’ve compiled some helpful tips.

Understand why your child is online

The Internet is a popular and integral part of everyday communication for kids and teens, and they tend to view it positively for several good reasons:

It helps them stay connected to other people in their lives, like friends.

It helps them take a break and escape from pressures, such as homework.

It fosters a strong sense of community and belonging.

It helps them learn new information.

Learn about safe computer behaviours and teach these to your child, rather than restricting them from using the computer. If you are not a regular computer user, make an effort to learn how to navigate the Internet so that you will have a better understanding of what your child is doing.

Communicate with your child or teen

Talk with your child about what’s going on in their life, including their online activities.

Avoid trying to frighten your child about the risks associated with the Internet. Scare tactics convey the message that adults don’t understand the Internet and discourage kids from reaching out when they need help. Instead, let your child know that if they encounter something or someone who makes them feel uncomfortable online, they can come to you without fear of losing privileges.

Make sure your child knows the Internet is a public place and that they understand how information such as their name, age, location, phone number, or school can be used to identify them.

Let your child know that their instincts are their best guide. Teach them to block, ignore, or report people they encounter online who do or say anything they find unsettling (like asking them questions about sex, requesting photos, etc.).

Specific tips for parents of kids ages 12 and under

Keep the family computer in a central location where you can easily monitor it.

Be sure that a parent or trusted adult always supervises your child’s Internet activities and makes sure your child only goes on sites that you’ve approved.

Create a list of Internet house rules with your kids, especially younger ones. Set limits for how much time your child spends online, which sites they can visit, etc.

You should set up your child’s accounts and gaming consoles and activate parental controls as well as restrictions for who can play or chat with your child. Know your child’s passwords.

Specific tips for parents of teens

Encourage your teen to think before posting information or pictures. Teach teens that anything they post online can be distributed widely in seconds, and that once they post it, it is very difficult to keep control of what it’s used for. It’s potentially out there forever.

Check your teen’s social networking profile regularly.

Encourage them to think critically about who they meet online. Reinforce that not everyone is who they say they are online.

Assert that when teens meet an online friend in person, they should take someone they trust along with them. If this isn’t possible, stress that they must — at the very least — notify other people of their meeting time and place, and make a safety plan in case they feel unsafe during the meeting.

Ask your teen to check with you before buying anything online.

Explain to your teen that it’s illegal to:

Threaten someone online or offline.

Gamble online as a minor.

Create, possess, or distribute naked or sexually explicit photos or videos of people under (or who look under)18 years of age. And in cases of teen sexting (when two minors send sexually explicit messages, photos, or videos to each other), the law is much more likely to get involved when the images or videos are shared without the permission of the person in them.

It’s very important that teens know they should never post, forward, or distribute sexual or intimate texts, images, or videos of other people.

A new law being proposed in Canada might change how sexting and cyberbullying are dealt with under the Criminal Code. If passed, Bill C-13 will create a new offence for sharing sexual images and videos without consent. It would also give the police more power to access people’s online information.

Help is out there

If your child is threatened online and you’re worried about their safety; act immediately. If you feel your child is physically at risk, immediately call the police. Report abuse to the website where it’s happening – many sites have ways to report this. You can also report cases of online sexual exploitation of children at cybertip.ca and sexual exploitation by texts at needhelpnow.ca.

Cyberbullying is a serious issue that can threaten your child’s sense of emotional safety and overall well-being. Report it to your child’s teacher. If that’s not effective, report it to your child’s principal or superintendent. You can also let young people know that they can call a counsellor at Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868) – we understand how damaging online bullying can be.

Young people can also get information at kidshelpphone.ca. Our phone and web counselling services are available 24/7 and are anonymous.

When asked, 70% of Kids Help Phone users said they have been bullied online.

Fostering Hope

While some people may be more naturally hopeful than others, hopefulness isn’t just a matter of temperament. Like health, hope is affected by our context – our interpersonal, social, economic, and political circumstances. What this means is that we can all help each other become more hopeful through our everyday interactions.

Hope is a verb: something we do together

Behind the idea of hope in practice is a belief in the power of community. In other words: “We can’t do it alone.” Only with the support of others can we accomplish our goals, meet our needs, and increase our well-being. The way we make this happen is by refusing isolation. When we reach out to others, we help foster hope — both for ourselves, and for those who need a hand when they can’t do it on their own.
Practicing hope in this way will be especially familiar to parents of young children. Reassuring them when they’re frustrated, soothing them when they’re hurt, and supporting them to try again when they feel they have failed are big parts of every parent’s day-to-day life. But as children get older, fostering hope can be more of a challenge. The shifting boundaries between parents and their growing child can make it difficult to know how to help. Older kids and teens may become suspicious or even dismissive of hope, believing instead that what they struggle with now they will struggle with forever. This is common; but all it means is that we need to practice more hope. It will help to guide young people forward and overcome their obstacles.

Becoming hope-centric

Tips For Fostering Hope In Young People

Practicing hope with children is an ongoing process. In the following, you’ll find some different ways we can make our family lives “hope-centric” to help foster hope in children.

In conversation

While listening

Listen actively. It’s easy to get into the habit of half-listening to young people or starting to prepare a response while they’re still explaining something. But by doing this, we miss out on a lot of what they’re telling us. By being an active listener instead — repeating back or “reflecting” what a child has said by using phrases like, “what I think you’re telling me is…” — you may be surprised by how much more productive and meaningful your conversations with them can be.

Focus on the message. Kids and teens may describe their struggles in a language or tone that seems overly dramatic for the issue they are facing. Try to understand the wish or need behind it — that may help you appreciate what’s at stake for them in their struggle. Most often, they are expressing universal needs: the need to belong, to feel respected, to feel well, and to succeed. What can a child’s feelings of sadness, anger, fear, or uncertainty tell them (and us) about what is happening in their lives? What do their feelings say about their needs for wellness?

Practice empathy. We can start empathizing by trying to understand young people’s frame of reference. How do they define their perceptions, goals, wishes, and dreams? What does their problem or situation mean to them?

While talking

Avoid minimizing. Many adults feel that life isn’t always fair and react to setbacks or disappointments with a shrug of resignation. They may feel that a young person is being dramatic or overreacting to the problems they are facing — and that may be true. But responding to youth in a way that minimizes what they’re going through can often make them feel as if they aren’t understood or their problems aren’t respected. At these moments, it may be more helpful for adults to stop and reflect on their own experiences and assumptions about distress. Let’s ask ourselves: what is an appropriate reaction to disappointment? Where did we get this idea from? How do our assumptions help, or hinder, our ability to listen openly to our child’s concerns?

Tailor responses. Simpler reassurances often work well with younger children, especially when combined with gestures of affection. For older kids and teens, on the other hand, it’s a good idea to match your response to the complexity of the problem. A helpful response might begin with an acknowledgement that things aren’t simple, and then move on to helping the child make sense of their problem in the context of their larger experience.

In a struggle

Slow down. As parents and caregivers, we instinctively try to take care of the children in our lives. When our kids are stuck, we may jump quickly into problem-solving mode as a way to reassure them. But not all problems have solutions, and they’re not all within our child’s (or our own) control. Taking the time to listen to what the problem means to the child is a helpful and validating act, even when there are no solutions.

Focus on strengths and skills. When a child is struggling, pointing out the things they are doing well can help them become hopeful that these strategies will help them deal successfully with future challenges. Complimenting kids and teens when they’ve been thoughtful, kind, insightful, or strategic during situations they found disappointing can also be helpful and the more detailed the compliment, the better it is. For example: “I was really impressed with the way you handled yourself in that disagreement with your brother. From the way you were asking questions I could tell you were trying to understand things from his perspective and to be respectful. That shows kindness and maturity.”

Facilitate connections. Young people benefit from having a range of human connections. Encouraging them to talk to others — an aunt, a family friend, a teacher, or a guidance counsellor — about their struggles can help them build a support network that offers them a range of perspectives and types of assistance. Connecting with others who have made it through similar struggles can go a long way to facilitating the hope that “I can get through this.”

In general

Encourage independence. Hopeful people trust that they can create meaning and fulfilment in their own lives. When young people are able to take an active role in making decisions that affect them, they learn that they have some control over their environment. In this way, having choices — and the opportunity to try, fail, and try again — teaches kids and teens how to be hopeful.

Be a role model. Children learn how to “be” in the world from those around them. When we model behaviours and attitudes that support hope and well-being, the young people in our lives will have the opportunity to learn from our example. Some of the things we can do to model hope and well-being include:

Expressing a range of emotions and being OK with talking about them (even the hard ones).

Supporting others who are struggling and letting others support us when we need help.

Having and valuing respectful and loving relationships.

Taking the lead in some circumstances and following in others.

Planning for the future, including setting short- and long-term goals.

Recognizing that life includes setbacks and disappointments by:

Reflecting that it’s OK to make mistakes.

Apologizing when we’ve made a mistake.

Losing gracefully.

Adapting goals to make them more achievable.

Demonstrating that all people have value by:

Being non-judgemental.

Being curious about and interested in other people.

Valuing yourself.

Reflecting that material possessions do not reflect a person’s worth.

Emotional Health and Well-being

When we look back on the early years of our lives, it is often easy to remember them as happy, carefree times. It’s important, however, to remember that for the young people living through them, it is also often a tumultuous time full of change, insecurity, and uncertainty. It can easily be overwhelming, which is why we need to be aware of the emotional health and well-being of the children we care about.

Things you can do starting now

Reflect that you value and accept your child for who they are. Don’t assume that they already know it or don’t need to hear it again.

Communicate with your child. Encourage them to talk about what’s happening in their lives – both the good and the bad – while respecting that they may not want to disclose everything. Young people can keep secrets from their parents for many reasons, but if a foundation of trust and understanding is in place they will be more likely to reach out when they really need help.

Make an effort to really listen and hear what your child is telling you. Reflect that you “get it” when you do, and ask for clarification when you don’t. Show them that you want to understand them.

Let your child know that you are a person they can talk to. Explicitly tell them that you’re open to talking about the really tough stuff, and that there’s nothing they could tell you that would damage the relationship irreparably. If you feel you’re not the right individual for this role, lead them to someone who can be there for them.

Model appropriate and healthy emotional responses and relationships with others.

Be open to a variety of kinds of communication. Some young people might find it really difficult to talk in person, and are more comfortable with an email or written note. Ask your child what works best for them and try to work with it.

Work on your own mental health literacy. You can learn more about emotional health and wellness from the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health: camh.ca.

Reflect on your own views of mental health. Pay attention to the way you react to stories of people who experience mental health challenges. Be mindful of how you talk about and react to stories in the media surrounding mental illness.

Be informed. Ask questions and start dialogues about mental health and wellness with adults and young adults in your life.

Here’s an idea

Consider creating a set of codes or signals that your child can use when they want to let you know that they have something important to talk about. Signals could be anything: code words; a cryptic email message; the placement of a fridge magnet. Having this sort of system in place is a concrete way of letting your child know that you are open to talking about the tough stuff and that you will be there when they need you. It also gives you some time to prepare yourself to deal with something that can be emotionally challenging.

You can find mental health and wellness services for young people in your community by connecting with our free, interactive tool, Resources Around Me. It is the largest database of youth-serving programs and services in Canada and is available in English and French, through Kids Help Phone’s website.

Video resources

How do I talk to my kid about sexting? How can I get my child to open up at home? What do I say if my teen comes out to me? You have questions. Kids Help Phone has the answers. In this eight-part video series, Counsellor Duane shares his top tips for communicating with the young people in your life. From healthy relationships to mental health issues to discovering independence, watch as Duane teaches you how to effectively listen to, acknowledge and connect with youth as they navigate some of life’s biggest challenges. Click to play and learn more below.

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