TONY DANZA’S AGENT: Hey, Tony baby, I got some news for you. A real meaty script just came your way.
TONY DANZA: Huh, yeah?
AGENT: It is set in the early 1980’s. Cold War stuff. You play a former Soviet spy being pursued across the Iron Curtain because you have the key to the West German defense plans and you are going to sell them to the highest bidder.
DANZA: Oh wow.
AGENT: Here’s a copy of the script. I’ll read with you. I’ll be Piotr, your former superior. I’m calling you on the phone to try to get you to give up. You are Vladimir, the spy. Ready?
DANZA: This is so cool.
AGENT: Here we go. “Vladimir, you must give yourself up. Come in on your own and I promise you that your wife and children will come to no harm. Vladimir, you must do this.”
DANZA:
AGENT: I said “Vladimir, you must do this.”
DANZA:
AGENT: Tony, you OK?
DANZA: Yeah, how you doing?
AGENT: I’m waiting for your line.
DANZA: What line?
AGENT: Your line in the script.
DANZA: You started that?
AGENT: Yeah, I cued you twice.
DANZA: You were talking to me?
AGENT: Tony, there’s no one else in the room.
DANZA: I thought you were on the phone.
AGENT: I’m not on the phone.
DANZA: You were talking to some guy named Victor.
AGENT: Vladimir.
DANZA: How’s he doing?
AGENT: How’s who doing?
DANZA: Vladimir.
AGENT: You’re Vladimir.
DANZA: Nah, nah, I’m Tony. Tony Danza. From Taxi.
AGENT: I know, I’m your agent, I got you that job.
DANZA: Cool, when do I start?
AGENT: You already started!
DANZA: I”m late! I better get to the set. (Get’s up to leave)
AGENT: The job’s over! Sit down!
DANZA: Hey, when do I get my check?
AGENT: You got it years ago. Look, Tony-
DANZA: Aw geez, I got it years ago and I didn’t keep any receipts. What about my taxes?
AGENT: Tony, Tony, look, there’s this script.
DANZA: Cool! Who do I play?
AGENT: (Deep breath.) You play a spy. Named Vladimir. You. Are. Vladimir.
DANZA: I’m Vladimir?
AGENT: Right. Now here’s your cue. Do you have the script?
DANZA: That’s my cue?
AGENT: NO! I mean no, I just want to make sure you have the script.
DANZA: Yeah, right here in my pocket.
AGENT: Take it out. Here we go. “”Vladimir, you must give yourself up. Come in on your own and I promise you that your wife and children will come to no harm. Vladimir, you must do this.”
DANZA:
AGENT: TONY!
DANZA: You off the phone now? How’s Victor?
AGENT: You are Victor! I mean Vladimir! You are Vladimir!
DANZA: No, I’m Tony. From Taxi. I sing too and I cook and I used to box.
AGENT: I know! I know!
DANZA: So what about this new script you said came in? I can’t wait to read it.
AGENT: I’ll mail it to you.
DANZA: OK, thanks for stopping by.
AGENT: This is my office!
DANZA: Oh, I thought maybe I changed the furniture.

Scroll to the end and you find this nugget: “I’m always looking for a job, just like everyone else in this country, this industry is tough,” he added, saying he’d like to do a remake of “Columbo.”Over my dead body. If you don’t know me, know that my man-love of Columbo is legendary. I love Columbo. Best. Show. Ever. He took down both Patrick McGoohan and Johnny Cash. (And George Wendt but the less said about that the better.) What other cop can boast that?

Tony Danza as Columbo would be the ultimate in miscasting. But what else would rank up there? Here are a few “suggestions.”

Vince McMahon as Sam Malone on Cheers.
Star Jones and Kirstie Alley in Sex and The City.
Gary Coleman as Magnum PI.
Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (Am I bitter much???)
William Shatner in 24.
Carrot Top as Londo in Babylon 5.John Lithgow in 3rd Rock From the Sun
Anyone on any Bravo reality show.

Any other ideas? Send me your own. Like I have anything better to do than sit around and read emails at work. Whatever you do, don’t bother sending anything to Tony Danza’s agent unless the part calls for a punchy semi-actor named Tony who has trouble remembering lines. And phone numbers. And his birthday. Tony Danza would be perfect for the part.

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