family

All posts tagged family

I was listening to a TED Talk on my way to work a while ago and wanted to share a segment that had an impact on me. I don’t know if it will impact you in the same ways, and I hope there’s some meaning in it for you. The presenter, Caroline Casey, talked about challenges in her life and her commitment to make a difference for people who are like her. The clip below should start at 12:11 (if it doesn’t, just fast forward to that part).

“All of the other 1 billion people affected by disability, but it’s not just about disability. We’re just people. We don’t have a Bono (e.g., DATA, EDUN, ONE Campaign, Product Red) or a Nelson Mandela… We need them. It needs to be talked about… Think about the James Bond movies. All the criminals have a disability.”

This part of the talk resonated with me because when marriage is part of the political spotlight, there’s a huge bump in talk of all things gay. Some of it is positive, microaggressive, passive aggressive, and most of it is just plain ol’ aggressive.

The top three aggressive comments usually go something like this:

The gay lifestyle leads to AIDS/HIV and other horrible diseases. (Then insert something about STIs being God’s punishment on gay and lesbian people.)

Gay and lesbian people have 100s of sexual partners each year. Promiscuity, bla bla bla.

If we let people get gay married, people will also start having sex with their pets and want to marry them.

It can seem silly to be affected by uneducated comments like these. The heart of the issue sheds more light on why these comments can be so problematic when we know the people making the comments are jerks by trade. And the heart of the issue relates to Caroline’s comment:

We don’t have a Bono. We don’t have a Nelson Mandela.

I don’t want to trivialize the work of activists around the globe who do wonderful things. Groups that come to mind are PFLAG and The Treveor Project, to name just two. What I want to comment on is who are our Bonos and Nelson Mandelas when it comes to same-sex relationships? Who are our mentors? our examples? Not to say we can’t pull strength from the examples of our parents, friends, and co-workers because we do.

There just isn’t anyone out there like us — that we know of. As Caroline pointed out about people with disabilities in the media, they’re usually the villains. And we’re usually the villains. Gay people are most often the villains and examples of what not to become, examples of bad relationships.

Salon named a few back in 2012. From the shows I watch there’s Cam and Mitch of Modern Family. They’re not necessarily villains, but they fight a lot and rarely kiss. One BuzzFeeder crunched some surprising numbers:

There’s Nolan of Revenge. His relationships are portrayed as short-lived, obsessive, and a means to some ulterior motive in the plot twist that is Revenge. And there’s David and Bryan of The New Normal… We ate that show up and not because there was great acting, plots, or story line but because the gay couple represented a strong, committed couple. They’re difficult to identify with because hey, it’s Hollywood and the guys are rich, but they’re portrayed as fairly decent people.

And now there’s the question of what happened to The New Normal? It wasn’t popular enough. And if you don’t remember, it was so controversial KSL wouldn’t broadcast it in Utah. Later, KSL decided to air it after hours and/or on the weekend (when trashy shows air). And this gets to the other part of the equation: they’re aren’t as many narratives out there for gay people (in part because society isn’t welcoming).

What do you think? Have you noticed similar tends in the media? Do you disagree? Share your thoughts.

Is the juxtaposition of the Christmas holiday and the undoing of Amendment 3 in Utah merely coincidence? Probably. But I just can’t help myself. I have to point out the irony of it. The irony starts with the “reason for the season” (we’ll just ignore that he wasn’t actually born on December 25). Whether you believe in Jesus, prophets, or pagan gods, you’re probably familiar with the story and what he was about. To sum who he was and what he was all about:

He wasn’t well liked, and among the reasons for not being well liked was all the times he mingled with people he wasn’t supposed to mingle with. In short, he’s like the guy at the party who tries to create room at the table for everyone: you kind of admire him for the thought and hate him for making you share. Maybe he was like that because there wasn’t any room at any inn for him.

Like Jesus, some County Clerks in Utah made room for gay and lesbian couples when Amendment 3 was found to be unconstitutional.

The most distressing part of all the arguments against gay marriage, especially in red states like Utah, is no one is willing to let us enjoy family life, which is one of the most conservative things a person could want. But… those who have a monopoly on family don’t want to share.

Not to let the cat out of the bag, but we want to start a family at some point down the road. The most distressing part about it is the legal uncertainty we’ll face. Depending on where we live, both of us might not have legal custody. We might not have joint healthcare (and I can’t even fathom how much that will cost; healthcare is already expensive enough).

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. ’Tis the season to be merry and bright, so I’ll part with this thought: It’s the time of year when we all celebrate something meaningful (whether worshipping Jesus, gods, or celebrating the shortest day of the year and welcoming more and more sunlight) and spend time with our families. So let’s learn from this little girl and get back to focusing on what’s directly important to all of us.

And finally, let’s have pity on plights and open our doors wether that be opening courthouses for gay and lesbian couples, sharing legal protections for families of gay and lesbian households, or just opening the door.

Like this:

It’s not too uncommon for us to be with friends or co-workers and someone mention something silly or mischievous their kids have done recently and we respond “Our cats do that too!” So, without further adieu, here is proof that our cats do things that make them just like children.

They spread their toys everywhere and never clean up after themselves.

They would rather play with the boxes their toys come in than the toys themselves.

They love playing with bubbles.

They scratch themselves in public.

They hold your things hostage and demand your attention.

They love watching the same shows over and over.

And they always fall asleep in front of the TV and have to be carried off to bed.

They love playing hide-and-seek.

They’d rather eat from our plates than their own.

They love blanket forts.

They like wearing dad’s shoes.

They’re always fighting.

They’re always putting their elbows on the table.

They climb all over you while you’re on the phone with the credit card company.

They sleep in the weirdest positions.

They insist on sleeping between us. And hog all the covers.

And sometimes all reasonable forms of discipline fail and we do things we know we shouldn’t do. But it’s pretty effective at keeping them out of trouble.

Like this:

Today is the last day of LDS General Conference — a time when Mormons all over the world get together and listen to their leaders talk on a range of faith-based topics. Among those topics are commitment and love and how to improve relationships with your spouse. LDS leaders give advice to men: listen to your wives, support them, help them, love them, etc. They give advice to women: listen to your husbands, support them, help them, love them, etc.

Seeing posts by friends on social media about General Conference makes me wonder something I think is important for a church that’s on the record against same-sex marriage and relationship. Do these same principles apply for gay couples? Senator Heigi Heitkamp of North Dakota has an answer:

Two court cases related to marriage equality were heard this week (Proposition 8 and DOMA) and left behind good and bad discussion: discussion that brought people together and discussion that further divided. At least that’s how it has been for me. I have family and friends in Utah where the majority of people are against marriage equality. And I have co-workers and friends here in Maryland where the majority of people are in favor of marriage equality (and if they’re not in favor of marriage equality they are at least willing to share in my happiness). This means my news feed on Facebook has been full of all different types of political discussion, which raised questions for me:

How do you respond to people you disagree with? Do you try to see their point of view? Do you try to get them to see your point of view? Do you try to convince them your point of view is good?

I’d like to believe good people can be convinced to do things by people in authority even when the things they do hurt others. So part of me thinks it’s worth a shot to convince them of my point of view. Something like, “Hey, when your leaders tell you to put money into campaigns like Yes on 8, Protect Marriage, or Preserve Marriage, (or to otherwise speak out against marriage equality) you’re sending the message to me that you think it’s fair Dan and I pay more in taxes (somewhere around $3000 per year) and health care than we would if one of us were female.” But that doesn’t really seem to help.

“The Milgram experiment on obedience to authority figures was a series of social psychology experiments conducted by Yale University psychologist Stanley Milgram, which measured the willingness of study participants to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts that conflicted with their personal conscience.” Wikipedia

And then I stop and think, “Hey, maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I need to stop and think about them and their point of view.” Well, I used to be one of them and so I did think like them. What ultimately changed my opinion on the topic of marriage equality was understanding that I could maintain my system of beliefs while others enjoyed legal benefits. This doesn’t seem to help as much as it should though. I can’t do the thinking for them. They’ve got to do the thinking, learning, and stretching outside of their comfort zone, which typically involves going against authority — and that just ain’t gonna happen.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not allow their buildings to be used for political events, does not use their pulpit for political messages, and never uses their member lists of politics. EVER. Unless it’s a moral issue…

And then I remember what happened when I tried to engage people in discussions about Proposition 8 back in 2008: lots of feuds, divisions, he said she saids, and “unfriending”. So maybe I shouldn’t speak up.

And then I remember what happens when people don’t speak up: absolutely nothing. I want something to happen. I don’t want to be held to the standards of others when it comes to the legal rights I should enjoy. I don’t want your religious beliefs to dictate what my employer’s insurance company charges me for health insurance nor how much my government taxes me (to name a few things). And I actually think it’s what you (those who disagree with marriage equality) want too: freedom from the religious beliefs and practices of others and government recognition of the marriage your [insert religious person here] performed.

“A right delayed is a right denied” Martin Luther King, Jr.

And that leads into something I find interesting. A lot of religious people have been saying the solution to the marriage equality problem is for government to step out of marriage. That would essentially place them in the same position I’m in: if the government doesn’t recognize a legal union or contract between two people then the union doesn’t exist, and this means no one can recognize your union (because it doesn’t exist). So… if y’all are really for government stepping out of marriage, I just want to make sure you’re okay with paying more in taxes and health insurance, or not having visitation rights at the hospital. This would look something like you going to the hospital to visit your wife and the hospital saying, “Oh, we don’t recognize [insert religion] marriages. You’ll need to provide legal documentation of your union.” And then you’ll walk away or present a legal document you paid a lawyer $3000 to $4000 to write up for you. Is that really what you want? Or let’s say you want to marry that latina girl you met while serving as a missionary and live in the U.S. You can’t do it if the government won’t recognize your religious union.

And just because it’s a cat that looks almost as handsome as Mishaand he’s in a bag and the bag is an HRC bag…

See the resemblance? Here’s Misha with his pride beads on.

So how do we have this conversation about the things that matter most to us in a way that’s productive?

Regnerus summarized the problem of pornography as one that “presses its consumers…away from sex as having anything approaching a ‘marital meaning’ or structure…” and referenced a quote that states marriage is about “sharing one’s body and whole self in the way best suited for honorable parenthood…permanently and exclusively”. So, let’s make the his point clear: pornography is a problem because it focuses on temporary, non-monogamous relationships rather than permanent and exclusive relationships.

An example of a permanent and exclusive relationship.

I think this is something a lot of people agree on. We don’t like pornography because of what it portrays and what it might encourage people to do. It makes some sense. And the author even admits to the fact that pornography on the web is broad. In fact, he called it a “veritable fire-hose dousing of sex-act diversity” that includes “alternative forms of sexual activity”.

An example of what pornography encourages people not to do.

And then he makes the jump from ‘porn is bad’ to ‘porn causes you to support same-sex marriage — the more you watch, the more gays you want to see marry.” Yep. Porn is horrible because it encourages people away from conventional sex acts of exclusivity and permanence toward supporting permanent and exclusive relationships.

What does this mean for Mormons? Mormons who support same-sex marriage and Mormons with family and friends in same-sex relationships probably don’t have friends and allies in their congregations. Or do they? I appreciated a discussion on this blog on the topic. I’ll preface my thoughts with the fact that I found this blog through a friend who knows the author, and the author doesn’t know that our common friend is gay. She is probably unaware of the (positive) impact this post had on our common friend.

To summarize, the author hesitantly came out as an ally and supporter of marriage equality. For those who aren’t familiar with LDS culture, coming out as a supporter of marriage equality might warrant being tossed into the lion’s den (so to speak). You are automatically a heretic despite any other belief you might hold. For example, here are responses from the comment section from fellow (Christ-like) Mormons:

“Grow up, get off your computer and raise your kids. You’re about as Mormon as Roseanne Barr.”

“Get a grip and stop mixing what you feel with what is Godly or not. That is your opinion, not Christ principles.”

“I read you are LDS. Is this a fact? Are you active?” [That is to say, do you go to church every Sunday]

“[Do you] really have a true testimony of these prophets and apostles[?]” [That is to say, are you really a Mormon like me]

“Mormons are viewing the gay marriage issue as some sort of gateway drug to apostasy”

The interesting thing about these comments to me is that typically what leads people away from participation in church activities is lack of acceptance of those who differ on political issues. So, the people who made these comments are, is some sense, pushing people into inactivity and apostasy. But that’s a different discussion. I’ll continue with the current discussion.

The cool part of this discussion for me was seeing people come out of the woodwork. People in the same congregation as the author, family members, and friends. In a sense, the author gave them permission to speak up and agree.

“I whole heartedly agree and I am in your ward!”

“I am also in your ward. AND feel EXACTLY like Lexi”

“I know if I were to tell my family and friends that I agree with you, it would cause an uproar”

“I agree…well done, Lexi. It is so much easier for us to keep quiet with our unpopular opinions to avoid others disfavor…but you stepped out there. I’m proud of you!”

“I agree with every single word you said here. I bet you will have more and more people find the courage to speak out and agree with you now that you wrote this. You are paving the way for so many.”

What does this mean for the Church? More and more Mormons are questioning The Brethren and their own faith as they try to align their political and religious beliefs. And it seems that the more the Church pushes against marriage equality the more Mormons leave the faith. And it’s not about testimony or lack of faith; it’s about finding a home among Mormons who don’t accept you because you don’t vote like them.