Thursday, 30 April 2015

I feel that I am times cannot 'show' my change necessarily, because I fear how others will perceive me talking about Equality and Oneness in certain moments. I don't mean talking about it directly - but just talking about it in reference to certain situations. Like, I have at times not said what I in fact would do in the situation if I was by myself for instance - and have instead said something along the lines of what I consider the 'average' person would say/do and might say/do. And I don't see this behaviour as cool. I'd prefer to say the change within myself, to be/say that change, no matter who is infront of me/who I'm with/talking to. I also see that the change point, the change comes in many forms throughout my beingness. It's not like I have to talk about Equality and Oneness and THAT is the only means of one seeing that I have changed/am changing, no.

This process with Desteni brings on changes everywhereeeee. In every step/breath within life. But, talking more along the lines from a starting point of Equality and Oneness is something that I want to do/will do more often. Because, otherwise people will not learn/take these things into consideration. I need to show this 'view'. This view that takes into consideration all life, rather than only some life/specific life, such as humans. And I need to not be afraid to show this Equality and Oneness-type of starting point/view. Having said this, it's important to see, realise and understand that it's not a healthy move to go 'overboard' in terms of mentioning Equality and Oneness and the workings of the mind - I've done that, and seen how that does not work, and others have said the same. So it's important to be weary of how much one says/does in regards to one's starting point of Equality and Oneness - to keep it within common sense.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear showing others myself from the starting point of Equality and Oneness, whereas I fear mentioning things such as respecting all/taking each into consideration, because of a fear of how the average person would perceive that/whether they'd judge me for saying that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that the starting point of Equality and Oneness is 'odd' and thus this is why I fear that others will see my starting point of Equality and Oneness as 'odd'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to stay as the 'old me' in terms of saying what the average person might say, rather than bringing up ideas/solutions/answers which take into consideration what is best for all, and to within this, be an example/teacher in a way, to show others why/how taking all into consideration is necessary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that one's interest in CHANGE can start from something as small as myself talking about/showing the importance of caring for all life - and so it is important for me to do this, to continue the process/equation of 1+1+1.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the manner in which I first knew of this whole process of change within Desteni - and that was through a meeting with another online - which peaked my interest, and I then took self-responsibility to investigate/learn/apply the information to manifest the change that was necessary, within myself - so to realise that the point of change can start from something so seemingly small at first, but the end result is best for all, because the person changes/and that change assists all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Equality and Oneness as 'odd' and 'unusual' and 'unheard of'. Within this, I see that it IS unheard of, but that doesn't mean it's 'not alright' - no. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that Equality and Oneness has NEVER been considered by anyone before, which is WHY I am within my mind, judging it as 'odd' and 'unusual' - it's simply something that I am not accustomed to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to continue on the same delusional pre-programmed path of basically accepting my life for how it is, rather than GRASP and LIVE what it truly means to be One and Equal with all life - to live it with each of my being, each breath, step and walk within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be satisfied to be a mind-entity, rather than a PHYSICAL entity/being/human/life.

When and as I see myself fearing how another perceives what I say/do from the starting point of Equality and Oneness, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is just a self-judgment/belief of how I see/have seen Equality and Oneness to be - that is 'odd' and 'unusual'. I commit myself to always be the starting point of Equality and Oneness, to show that change is possible, for, within myself, and then for others to do the same, to change - to live this consideration for what is best for all.

When and as I see myself believing Equality and Oneness to be 'odd' and 'unusual' - I stop and breathe. I realise that I only see Equality and Oneness as 'odd' and 'unusual' WITHIN MY MIND, because my mind is ONLY/has only ever been accustomed to pre-programming/the programmed lifestyle - and within this, simply accepting all the emotions/feelings that take place within me, the way the system works, all of it. And so I commit myself to break my pre-programming of accepting my life/lifestyle blindly, and to then be a physical body within all that I do, and to hand in hand, take into consideration what is best for all life. I commit myself to be here, always - to absolutely always, and at all times, take into absolute consideration what is best for all, in all ways possible, because all life deserves a dignified life, always. And I commit myself to show this new-born physical me to others, so show what it means to be a physical body that takes into consideration what is best for all, who has apparent 'odd' and 'unusual' ways of seeing things, that are ONLY apparently odd and unusual, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT BEEN HEARD OF/SEEN/SPOKEN OF previously, EVER. And so I commit myself to wake others up, to send them a message that change is absolutely necessary, and to continue the 1+1+1 equation for what is best for all.

When and as I see myself not realising that I CAN be an instigator for change within another, I stop and breathe. I realise that I really have to make the message of Equality and Oneness HEARD/SEEN, because ANYTHING can be the starting point for one to see, realise and understand the need for change, and thus the change within themselves. And so I commit myself to spread the message of Equality and Oneness far and wide, to make others see, realise and understand, just as I have - what it means to change/live change/be change - and to not just go about their lives doing the same shit, just living for the sake of living, to instead be a significant factor of life, 1+1+1.

So, I see that I have this fear that my eyes are 'evil-looking' or, just that they look 'weird'. And I see that this is a manifested reason as to why I tend to avoid eye contact with people, because I fear what they will think if they see my eyes. I see that I am judging my own eyes/how they look as 'evil-looking' and 'weird' - nobody else is. And this fear is stopping me from doing things that I can/should be doing. For instance, at the volunteer store that I work at, as I work at the cash register, I am basically the first point of contact for customers. They walk into the store and usually see me first/the person at the cash register first. And this particular volunteer store prides itself on creating a 'warm and fun environment' - and I have not been doing this lol. Not that I've been creating an EVIL/DARK environment, but it's important for me to welcome the customers, to say hi/hello, and to also let them know about the daily discounts, that way, potentially more profit is made - which reflects well onto my manager, myself as well.

Sooo, my eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that my eyes are 'evil-looking' and 'weird'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid eye contact with others for this reason, because I belief that others will be somewhat 'disgusted' or 'turned off' if they catch eyes with me/see my eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'disgusted' and 'turned off' by viewing my own eyes in the mirror.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that all eyes are the same, they function the same, but they each have different characteristics, shapes/colours and so on.

When and as I see myself believing my eyes to be 'evil-looking' and 'weird' - I stop and breathe. I realise that this is but a belief/judgment within my mind in which I have manifested through then avoiding eye contact with others wherever I can. I commit myself to thus look at people/people's eyes, and to NOT turn away/look down within the manifestation/participation of these beliefs/fears/judgments that my eyes are 'evil-looking and 'weird'. I commit myself to continue looking at one's eyes, not in a 'creepy' way of course/not for prolonged amounts of time lol, but to look at people in the eye physically, and to not react within participation within my mind and these beliefs/fears/judgments towards my own eyes/how they look.

When and as I see myself not accepting my eyes for how they are in every way, shape and form, I stop and breathe. I realise that despite why my eyes are how they are now, due to whatever may have happened or not, both physically/emotionally and within mind-participation, they are a vital component of my physical body, and they serve their purpose and assist me greatly in every way, shape and form - and their shape/colour does not define them, only I can define them, and I thus commit myself to define my eyes for what they are there for, to see/for awareness purposes, I commit myself to not define my eyes within beliefs/judgments/fears, only as physical eyes for what they are here for.

When and as I see myself in the moment whereas I am looking at someone in the eye, and having these beliefs/thoughts/fears and wanting to manifest this by looking away, I stop and breathe. I realise that to look away from one's eyes in this moment is suppression/me not allowing myself to face my fears/beliefs/judgments. And thus I commit myself to continue looking at one in the eyes. I commit myself to only look away from one's eyes when I see that it is necessary to do so.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

I see that I have this belief/fear of basically running out of topics to discuss with others. Things that I used to like in the past, I don't necessarily like, or rather, I'm not as interested in, as I was in the past. Video games. Sport. I do still like those things, but not to the extent that I once did, no where near to the extent that I once did. But I really see that this belief is unjustified/unjustifiable. I'm participating so much within this limitation belief. There are millions of topics to discuss with others! Nothing is off limits. Well, nothing is off limits within common sense. I can have my own set of preferences/interests, another can have a totally different set of preferences/interests, and we can still get on like a house on fire so to speak. Another and I can still communicate effectively, not necessarily about eachother's interests. And new interests can be formed through communication, along with a myriad of other things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this belief that without topics of common interest in general/with another, communication will not be effective and can even be non-existent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to like what I believe are 'common topics' for the sake of 'effective communication' with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so limited with the topics of interest and what I and another can discuss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that a whole myriad of topics/interests/preferences/things can be created through communication and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that two people must have similar interests/preferences to be able to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within future projections of what I can talk about with another, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that it's best for all to be in the moment of communication with another, and to then allow the communication to be created/exist within the present moment of communication with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people/I can literally run out of things to discuss, and thus because of that, go their own separate ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must consider and think of what I am going to say within my mind, before I actually physically interact/communicate with another.

When and as I see myself fearing that I do not have 'common interests' in general/with others, and thus cannot effectively communicate with them, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is always something to talk about/discuss with another, and that otherwise only within allowance, can communication stagger and become limited within a belief that there is/I have nothing to say to another/can't keep a conversation going. I commit myself to use my interests, as well as anything else that I and another decide to discuss, and I commit myself to not limit my conversations with others through just my own interests, or just another's interests - because, in broadening my horizons so to speak, I can learn new things, as can another, mutual learning/growing/changing - which is awesome for all.

When and as I see myself fearing that it's possible for myself and another to 'run out of things to say' to eachother, I stop and breathe. I realise that this supposed limitation is just a belief within my mind and a fear within my mind - and that it is in fact not realistic/justifiable whatsoever. I realise the complete unrealism of this happening whatsoever, I realise that it's not possible for two people to have spoken about everything to death so to speak, and literally just not have anything else to say to one another. And so I realise that this belief is built within a fear, but an unrealistic fear - although all fears are unrealistic. I commit myself to not participate within future projections of another and I literally having nothing to say to one another, because we've spoken about EVERYTHING in existence basically lol. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that there is always something to discuss with another, as long as participants are open to learning/growing/changing through broadening their horizons within topics/communication/conversation and physical/practical actions. I commit myself to see that communication is limitless. I commit myself to see that my physical/practical actions are limitless.
I commit myself to stop living as a limited form of life.

Friday, 24 April 2015

My whole life, I've been obsessed with sport. Playing sport, watching sport, you name it. I basically liked all types of sports. If I had to name a favourite sport, it would be soccer/football. I think I got into soccer/football at about 9 years old. I played soccer for a few clubs throughout the years, I got up at 'insane' hours, such as 1 am, 3 am, 4 am, just to watch it. When I look back at it now, soccer had a hold on me!

Fast track to today. I've been contemplating within myself, whether soccer is still something I should 'be into'. I have stopped playing soccer. Why? Because I don't want to damage my physical body. Heading the ball, chesting the ball. I don't want to damage my physical body if I don't have to, so I choose not to. So in that sense, I only now play sports that won't necessarily have a bad effect on my physical body/damage my physical body. Watching sports on the other hand, I'm unsure of.

This is mainly to do with watching sports in which I, because of the damaging of my physical body, am unsure whether I should be watching the sports, if I myself do not participate in them. I went to a soccer match not long ago, and I enjoyed it. The thing is, I am unsure if I should be 'supporting' something that I see is 'bad' for one's physical body. Having said that, it's up to each individual as to whether they participate in sport/what sport/what activity they participate in - that is not my decision to make, I've already made my own decision on participation in sport.

Another thing that I think of a lot is that, soccer players for instance, they do not have that reference/knowing of the Desteni tools, and how they are damaging their physical bodies. For me, I never remotely considered the damage that I was doing to my physical body as I was playing soccer. I just did it, I enjoyed it, simple as that. SO again, it comes down to whether I should support something that I SEE, damages one's physical body. It's tough to say this, but I see that the answer is NO. I don't want to support sports that damage one's physical body.

I don't want to support these sports by either playing/watching them.That is just somewhat/was somewhat difficult for me to 'accept' and 'say' because I really have been a soccer fan specifically for SO LONG. And accepting/knowing that I won't be watching anymore soccer matches lol, it seems like a 'loss' for me of sorts. Like, I'm 'losing' a part of myself. But as I write that, I see that I'm only losing a part of my past/my past life/self.

Which is why it feels 'strange' now to have that knowledge of not supporting/watching the sport that I was obsessed with for multiple, multiple years.

Within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support any sport in any way, shape or form, that evidently damages one's physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly 'give up' a sport that I see damages my physical body, BUT, self-willingly support another damaging THEIR physical body for MY own entertainment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the damaging of anyone's/anything's physical body in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support the damaging of one's physical body in any way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself supporting the damaging of one's physical body in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that the damaging of one's physical body, whatever the context/scenario is NOT COOL, because one's physical body, whether one knows it or not, is the vessel in which/how we exist/live as life. Thus, I commit myself to raise awareness wherever I can, to make others see, realise and understand the damage that they inflict on their physical bodies, and why a physical body is literally one's vessel as life on Earth. I also commit myself to stop supporting scenarios whereas one damages their physical body in any way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself stopping something, because I see that it damages my physical body, but am still willing to watch another damage their physical body for MY entertainment, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is separation, as I am allowing within supporting, another to damage their physical body, and am doing this through showing my support for the act of damaging one's physical body. Thus, I commit myself to put myself in another's shoes, and to see upon the act of being in the position of damaging my physical body, to see that the damage by doing the act is not cool and unhealthy to one's physical body.

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

When and as I see my recent writings within a negative judgment, within comparison to my previous writings which I view as 'superior' - I stop and breathe. I realise that it's NOT about which writings are best and which are not as good - because, I see, realise and understand that each of my writings has assisted me, whether it be towards change, or towards a point of improving my writings for the future. Thus, I commit myself to stop labelling my writings as 'good' or 'bad' - I commit myself to ACCEPT each of my writings, and to learn from them if need be, to improve on them if need be - but also, to not be so STRICT/HARSH on myself/my writings.

When and as I see myself failing to take into consideration 'where I was' within my past writings compared to where I am 'now' in my present writings, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must be REALISTIC, in terms of for instance, seeing that in the past, not many points have appeared and thus in a way it was 'easier' to focus on one point, whereas the more I learn within Desteni/DIP Pro, the more AWARE I become, thus in reality, the MORE points/dimensions that appear - thus I commit myself to take into consideration the CONTEXT of me in the past, as well as the context of me in the present, and to thus be able to see, realise and understand why I for instance am only now focusing on 'too many' points at once - it is because I am so much more aware currently, compared to when I first started my process and was NOT aware of the points/dimensions within me.

When and as I see myself believing that not all of my writings are 'fit for public consumption' - I stop and breathe. I realise the importance of taking my writings and my process back to SELF, thus be able to see that this process is for me, and that whether others for instance judge my writings or not is up to THEM, not me - thus I commit myself to continue writing for me as a starting point, but obviously to within this, see that my writings can assist others for cross-referencing purposes, just as others' writings assist me.

When and as I see myself fearing that I give Desteni a 'bad name' by for instance writing about multiple points in one blog post, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am NOT for instance dissing Desteni or the like, so I am not 'giving Desteni a bad name' through writing about multiple points instead of one point - I'm merely practicing, doing, writing, and in the end, LEARNING, and again, I must bring it back to self. I commit myself to use the tools that Desteni has given me, but to write for me, and to not be fixated on the 'multiple points' facet. I commit myself to see that the fact of seeing that I have written about multiple points instead of a single point, this shows that my awareness is increasing, and it shows that I can then put this awareness into practicality through focusing on one point per blog post.

Lately, I've been attempting to 'avoid' some of my past/recent writings. Like, avoid even LOOKING at them, because I am 'embarrassed' by them. One thing that I realise instantly is that my current writings, I see belief that some of them are within a judgment, 'worse' than some of my FIRST writings - and within this, I judge myself for not being able to improve my writings day by day. Also, I have judgments towards some writings, because I see that I've for instance written about multiple points in one post, instead of focusing on the one post, which I see within others/myself, that serves me best, to focus on that ONE point at a time. Otherwise it becomes this muddle-up sort of thing.

I've had talks with my buddy, which has assisted me with my writings. I also realised through buddy chats, that I was basically giving my writings power over me. I was so fixated on whether I was writing 'correctly' - that I didn't just WRITE and to within this, come to the realisations that I need to come to through just writing. Realisations are vital!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negatively judge my past/recent writings as 'not being up to scratch'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself for judging my writings to be 'not as good' as they USED to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so fixated on wanting to write better each day, that one 'blip' and I instantly participate within these judgments of anger towards myself for publishing writings that I see were 'not as consistent' or 'not as thorough' as some of my previous writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that the more dimensions/points that open up as I progress further into my journey to life, the more that I can (self-willingly) become 'engulfed' with dimensions/points, which shows in some of my writings. Whereas, at the start of my journey to life, it was more 'basic' in terms of not many dimensions/points being seen/shown, and so in a sense, it was more streamlined/easier to write out points at the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when and as I see that recent writings are 'not as good' as previous writings, feel that I haven't learnt ANYTHING, merely because of the judgments that I had towards my recent writings not being 'as good' as previous writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at where I was within my previous writings, and where I am now/currently in my present writings, and to see, realise and understand the differences in terms of the amount of dimensions/points opening up now, compared to the past, and other facets within my life - because, my life is constantly changing and I'm constantly growing/learning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my recent writings as a means of realisations themselves, whereas I can see that "Okay, in that post, I focused upon multiple points instead of just a singular point - so, NOW, I can use that information to assist me in the PRESENT, as to focus on ONE point/a singular point at a time."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within the writings that I judge as 'not as good as other writings' - see those particular writings as 'not good enough for public consumption' and desire to delete them/all writings whereas I see that I 'messed up' so to speak, instead of in fact leaving them as is, as a means of seeing how far I've come within my journey to life, and to also realise that those particular writings did still assist me, and that none of them were 'for nothing' just because they weren't as 'focused' as my other writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my writings from eachother, seeing some as 'good' and some as 'bad' - instead of seeing, realising and understand that all writings have in fact assisted me, one way or another, and through constant writing, I get to improve writings for future, so NO writings are a 'waste of time'.

Monday, 20 April 2015

Sometimes I'm in these situations whereas I BELIEF that women are 'interested' in me, and when I participate within this belief, I feel myself engage into this 'personality' within my mind of attempting to 'act cool' lol. And now that I write this, I see that I dislike putting on this supposed 'cool' personality. 1: It takes a lot out of me so to speak, because I can instantly see that I'm not HERE/being my physical self, and I'm not being my 'usual' self if I were for instance with people who I had no 'beliefs' about. 2: I'm participating as a programmed being, attempting to 'impress' members of the opposite gender. SHIT. That is what basically everyone fucking does in one way or another. Programmed to in the end, fuck eachother.

So first of all, I see that I have to let go of these beliefs that I have, of women 'supposedly' showing me that they're 'keen' so to speak, because that is all bullshit, some belief that I've created within myself of WANTING this attention, that 'feel-good' sensation, energy, positivity. I'm clearly still relying on these energy charged beliefs, as to manifest a bullshit feel-good feeling within and as myself, which yes, as I've seen, dissipates after the woman has left my vicinity lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as these self-created beliefs that women sometimes are showing me 'signs' that they're interested in me sexually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel positive energy within myself, through having these BELIEFS that women are showing interest in me, which I 'think' means I have 'succeeded' in life so to speak, because I belief that I 'look good'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate as a mind-fucking-demon who only has one thing in mind, sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have to put on this 'cool' approach through myself infront of certain people/certain behaviours, not realising that this goes to show that I am NOT 'comfortable' and 'stable' as my physical self/body here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to participate within the pre-programmed game of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I 'really' am, through putting on this bullshit fake personality within my mind, trying to be 'something' and 'someone' that I'm not and/or who still gives into the usual pre-programming within society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I need another's 'interest' within myself, to then feel 'good' about myself/who I am as a person, which is in fact separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that I am the one and only directive principle within and as myself, and thus only I can make myself 'feel good' or rather, make myself a stable being within and as my physical body.

When and as I see myself participating within and as beliefs that women are giving me 'signs' that they're interested in me sexually, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm perceiving this supposed 'interest' in myself through what I believe it means to show another that they're 'interested'. Within this, I realise that I've created these beliefs of apparent 'interest' as a way/means of making myself 'feel something' - that being, a positive energetic experience within acceptance. I commit myself to STOP playing the game, the game that leads to fucking one another. I commit myself to not participate within the pre-programmed game that all humans act upon, within manifestations of flirting/body movements etc - and to instead be here, within my physical self, within the physical moment, not playing these little mind-games with others and/or within self-created beliefs.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to show a supposed 'cool' side of me/who I am, I stop and breathe. I realise the fact that I still feel this need to show myself in a different light so to speak, shows that I am still not a stable physical being/a comfortable being within my physical skin/body - it shows that I'm living within and as separation. I commit myself to be a stable being at all times and in all moments. I commit myself to be ONE person, one entity, and one physical body. I commit myself to not be a mind-fucking-demon who is on the 'lookout' for bullshit 'signs' that are beliefs, and within this, attempting to 'flirt' with others, myself, in hopes of 'getting some' so to speak.

When and as I see myself looking for 'validation' within another/externally, I stop and breathe. I realise that NOTHING can give me 'validation' EXCEPT for ME. I commit myself to live validation, through showing the changed being that I am, to show who I now am, as opposed to the past. I commit myself to be/walk as a valid physical body.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to participate within and as these beliefs/mind-games within sex/lead ups to sex to show that I am 'normal' - I stop and breathe. I realise the necessity here of 'going against the flow' - because I am in fact 'not' 'normal' in the normal sense. My beliefs of what are 'normal' all equate to what I was as a pre-programmed being, and thus 'being normal' means to be a programmed being, participating within and as a programmed world - which is what I stand AGAINST. Thus, I commit myself to not participate within beliefs/mind games regarding sex/leads up to sex to show others (myself) that I am 'normal' - because I've accepted and allowed myself to define 'normal' as mind-fucking one another to get something/somewhere.

Friday, 17 April 2015

Right now, I am writing to investigate WHY I find 2 particular housemates of mine 'intimidating'. They are a couple. They stay in one room, together, and their room is right next to the bathroom. Every time they are indoors, whether in their room/in the kitchen/bathroom/generally walking around, they are always quite 'loud'. Loud as in, talking loudly, and being generally 'noisy'. They also don't 'sit still' most of the time - always walking around the house/going in and out of the house, clashing pots and pans in the kitchen, spending a lot of time in the kitchen.

And I find myself feeling this intimidation feeling manifest from within my mind when they're in the house/or rather, when I KNOW they are in the house. Like, I don't even want to go to the bathroom/kitchen when they are here. I see that I fear that they will have to use the bathroom/kitchen while I am still using it, and thus have this future projection of them needing to use the facilities that I am using. And I have this desire to 'not get in their way' sort of thing. It's interesting.

It's the loudness thing as far as I'm aware. Because, when I see other housemates of mine, that for instance...are generally 'quiet' and just go about their day so to speak, I find myself more 'comfortable' within that sort of 'quiet' environment, for sure. Yes, so that is it. I'm intimated by 'loud people'. Just, general loud people, loud things, loud happenings. Of course, I have to understand that I am in a share house, all sorts/types of people are going to live in the house/may move into the house. That facet is not under my control, and within that, just because I 'prefer' quiet natured people so to speak, does not mean that I can't 'co-exist' with 'loud' natured people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'intimated' within my mind when and as I hear 'loud' people and people being generally 'loud'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my mind, perceive 'loudness' by people as some sort of 'threat' to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within separation within my mind in terms of seeing quiet and loud people as DIFFERENT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand different people's nature/why they might act 'differently' to how I might act for instance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief within my mind that loudness > quietness - and that loudness has right of way so to speak, as in, loudness dominates over quietness, thus feeling within myself that these 'loud' people are more than me/better than me, as I am generally a 'quiet' person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use people's nature against them, that is, their nature of being loud/quiet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in 'hatred' within my mind towards the people that I find intimidating within my mind, through me finding the 'loudness' irritating/intimidating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people through either loud/quiet within their nature, failing to take into consideration how they move/their actions/motives, what they actually DO within their lives.

When and as I see myself perceiving 'loudness' as 'intimidating' within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that 'loudness' is just the apparent nature of one, and does NOT mean they are a 'bad' person as I belief within my mind. I realise that I've just grown accustomed to myself within a 'quiet' nature/myself being a quiet natured person generally, and thus I have 'ill' feelings towards the opposite polarity of 'loudness' and thus see it as 'going against the norm' when seeing/hearing loudness within my vicinity, feeling disoriented within myself when hearing this loudness. I commit myself to break this habit within and as my physical body, to thus be able to accept 'loudness' - because, there are so many people in the world/so much life in the world, and each life has their own unique nature, and thus, I CANNOT control one's nature, nor do I want to - it is just WHO they are in the given moment - I thus commit myself to accept each one's nature, whether it be loud/quiet, and to see, realise and understand that their nature relation as loudness/quietness does NOT define them as a person or the actions that they take within their lives.

When and as I see myself participating in this 'hatred' emotion within my mind, towards 'loudness' - I stop and breathe. I realise that, because I am not 'used to' loudness, I see it as a surprise and within myself I feel disillusioned towards the loudness. I commit myself to not hold any grudges within my mind towards 'loudness' - and I commit myself to see, realise and understand that the world contains all types so to speak, and not all are going to 'conform' to MY personal nature/preference - that is impossible. I commit myself to thus accept each one for who they are, no matter what they are/how they are, because anything less, is separation/inequality. It is imperative for myself as life, to see each as my equal, no matter whether they are generally loud or quiet people, it takes all types.

When and as I see myself believing that 'loudness' is more than/better than 'quietness' within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that 'loudness' does NOT equate to one/something being 'better' or 'more than' another/something, this is just a belief I have within my mind that I've allowed myself to live/exist as and within. For instance, I realise that a person under intoxication will generally be LOUD, because they are totally hounded by their mind, they are lost within their physical bodies so to speak, and thus they have LOST total control of their physical bodies and thus will say/act on 'impulse' without a physical direction/self/body leading them/showing them the way. I commit myself to see, realise and understand thus, that loudness does not equate to being better/more than quietness. I commit myself to live within the moment at all times. I commit myself to do what is best for all in the moment at all times, and within this, seeing, realising and understanding if that means to be quiet or loud in the given moment. I commit myself to accept loudness/quietness as equals, as well as the life within these parameters.

Monday, 13 April 2015

I still see many facets within my life within this 'competitive' type of mentality. Like, trying to outdo someone at something. All it does is fuel this self-created desire within my mind of wanting to do something better than another, in the belief that 'winning' or doing better than another will actually reward me somehow.

If I stay focused on what I'm doing, how I do it, and all the facets in relation to how I do something - that's the best thing to do as far as I know. That way, I can be in total control of what I do/how I do it, without 'feeling' the need (belief) to do something better than another, and within that, participating within this self-created competitive point within my mind of winning/beating someone. What does that do, really? Apart from FUELLING the ego within my mind, and having that 'positive' feel-good energy within my mind - NO THANKS.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the 'competitor' within my mind, and within this participation, manifest a desire to do something better than another/win/beat another at something, only to build/feed/fuel this self-created mind-ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not focus strictly on what I am doing, as to do the best that I can at something - to put all of my resources into what I am doing, that way, I can see that I'm doing the best job that I can, without feeling the need to 'better' another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to TURN 'casual situations' into COMPETITIONS, though, they are only competitions within MY MIND - a belief that I have. When in reality, the other person/thing that I apparently am 'competing' against, does NOT have this same belief that I have - this belief of apparent competition was created within my mind ONLY - so in reality, I am just competing against myself, and against my mind - a pointless task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that the supposed 'reward' that I get when apparently 'beating' another/winning/doing something better than another is an EGO-BOOST within my mind - THAT is the 'reward' - as that apparent reward does not assist my PHYSICAL BODY in any way, shape or form, it's meaningless and a waste of time.

When and as I see the 'competitor' character emerge within my mind and manifests itself as a desire to do something better than another/beat them/win against them, I stop and breathe. I realise that within this, I accept and allow this belief that doing something better than another/beating them/winning against them will bring me 'great reward' - when in reality, the only reward that I 'get' is a boost for the ego within my mind - and this ego boost within my mind does not alter/assist my physical body in any way, shape or form - and if that is the case, and it is, then this belief is simply irrelevant, as it does nothing to assist anyone/anything's physical self. Thus, I commit myself to see what is best for my physical body/self, and that is, to do what I must do to the best of my physical ability, and that is all.

When and as I see myself creating this belief within my mind of making a casual situation, a COMPETITION with another, I stop and breathe. I realise that this desire to create/participate within and as this competitor within my mind, shows that I am still wanting to feed/fuel energy within my mind, within the ego, which I then manifest as a 'feel good' sensation within my physical body - but this 'feel good' sensation/manifestation is obviously reliant upon my mind and the belief that I must enter competitions to 'feel this way' - and that is the sign right there that this method is not assisting/helping me at all, because to create a competition JUST to feel a certain way, that is not how life 'should' be. Life is not a competition. Life is to assist one another to reach goals, unified goals for all/each life - no competition implied/accepted, only physical unity in assisting eachother, always. I commit myself to assist life. I commit myself to not turn casual situations into competitive situations in a belief within my mind that in doing so, I have the ability to make myself 'feel good' - this is bullshit, because the origin of this 'feel good' energy is from my mind, thus it's fake as can be, it's not REAL, like my physical body is. I commit myself to use my physical body to do and be the best that I can be within a physical sense - to focus on the job that I do/the situation that I'm in/do - because that way, I can be assured that I'm giving something 100% of my physical labour, and not for instance bringing that percentage OVER 100% or under for the sake of 'wanting to be better than another' and thus within this, end up fucking myself over, by straining my physical body, JUST to feed the ego within my mind.

Saturday, 11 April 2015

Lol, that title I find funny. Right of the bat, I can easily say that I am and will remain 'human' for life. That is what I am. The type of life that I am = human.

But the thing that I am talking about in regards to being 'human' - is within my process, and I immediately know why I have a fear of no longer being human/not being seen as 'human' the further I go into my process. It's because of how I see a human. More like, how I HAVE seen a human 'should' be like. What a human should be like. How they should act. All of these 'shoulds'. But I knew no better within the majority of my life.

The main reasons for me seeing life as human are: EMOTIONS and FEELINGS. I've always seen those two supposed 'qualities' as 'human' - and human nature. LOL WHAT A JOKE. Jee, realising that I accepted that blindly, it's funny. So much within life/externally makes no fucking sense, not even a tiny bit of sense. Desteni makes total/complete/absolute sense. And not just plain old sense for the sake of it, but common sense, decency. Everything is explained within Desteni, to the minutest detail.

So here is where I have feared losing 'what makes me human' - within my process with Desteni, I am letting go of my emotions, my feelings, thus this is why I BELIEVE that I am becoming 'no longer human'. My belief is that what makes a human, human - is emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BLINDLY accept and BELIEVE that what makes a human, HUMAN, are emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that humans are undoubtedly the most intelligent life forms on Earth, because of the ability of humans to show vivid emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not even remotely in the past, consider where/why my emotions/feelings exist - where they come from/how they came to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be under the DELUSION and ILLUSION that I am no longer 'human' without emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that I am/and always will remain as a human, because that is the type of life that I am, simple as that - just like the dog that I used to live with is an animal/dog. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within separation within my mind/manifesting this separation through these 'differing' labels of animal/human/insect and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realise and understand that the FACT/REALITY is that I AM in fact becoming 'more human' the further I go into my process/the deeper I go into my process, because what a human and any life should BE/live as, equates to what it means to live the principles of Oneness and Equality - and I am doing this, slowly but steadily - this is what all life must strive to be/become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can't 'connect' with other humans, if I no longer 'show' emotions/feelings within myself/when with others. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that it is/was HEALTHY to connect with others/myself through emotions/feelings, when this is a myth/fake/suppression, because it's not showing one's TRUE self, which is their physical self, their physical embodiment - they/I was just showing the thoughts/beliefs and all the judgments/fears, emotions and feelings that came up within my mind that weren't REAL/weren't really ME.

When and as I see myself believing that what makes a human, human, are emotions and feelings, I stop and breathe. I realise that throughout my whole life PRIOR to investigating Desteni, I literally RELIED ON and SAW emotions/feelings as 'what it means to be human'. Which I see, realise and understand now is total BULLSHIT. And I realise now that I never took the initiative to look at/even consider why these emotions/feelings existed within myself/why they manifested, I simply accepted them, like a life form that plainly accepts whatever the fuck appears/manifests within myself. I commit myself to see, realise and understand NOW, that emotions/feelings DO NOT make a human, human. I commit myself to live what a PROPER/TRUE human should live like. I commit myself to BE human, instead of INHUMANE - as I have done throughout my whole life prior to Desteni.
I commit myself to understand/accept within myself that I am/always have/will be human, as that is just the 'type' of life-form that I am - emotions/feelings do NOT make me a human, emotions/feelings make me INHUMANE and FAKE.

When and as I see myself fearing that I will no longer have the ability to 'connect' with others on an 'emotional' level, I stop and breathe. I realise that, because I've lived as an emotional being for the majority of my life, I literally am under the illusion that there is NO other way to 'connect' with others, and within this, that connection must be emotional. Which is untrue. I realise that 'connection' with another/anything is purely physical-based, because it's what one's actions are that defines them, NOT what emotions/feelings they show, because emotions/feelings originate within one's mind, they are but temporary highs or lows, they are NOT physical/practical and thus REAL, as one's physical actions show/do. I commit myself to connect with others through my PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL actions - I commit myself to not deem it 'necessary' and 'normal' to act within an emotional state for the 'purpose' of connecting with another, because already within that, I am living a lie within myself/my mind, manifesting emotions/feelings for the sake of connection. Connection is physical.

Friday, 10 April 2015

What I've noticed, is that I'm still 'hanging' onto these past 'pieces' of myself that I used to exist as prior to Desteni. And I fear 'letting go' of these last pieces of myself, because of this: I fear that if I 'lose' these last pieces of myself, that I won't be who I used to be anymore - that the change within me will be so insurmountable, that I won't even be recognised as the 'old me' - and another point is that I fear that if I let go of these final pieces of myself, that I will lose any pieces that I have left of my old self, that made me 'human' - which is ridiculous now that I read that, because, the TRUTH is that I am making myself MORE HUMAN - well, I am making myself as to what a human 'should be' - within a physical embodiment.

So, the first part I want to tackle (write) is the fear of not being recognised as my 'old self'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my 'old self'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will lose my 'identity' if I were to let go of the pieces that I still hold onto/exist within and as, prior to discovering Desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that change is the key to birthing myself from the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise, that prior to discovering/investigating Desteni, I was a mind-controlled being, who did not live the principles of Oneness and Equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief within my mind that I will 'have no identity' if I am to 'let go' of my past self - and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I will not be 'unique enough' if I am to be a being who lives the principles of Oneness and Equality as my physical self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to strive for a 'unique' attribute/style of living, as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not simply let go of all the beliefs that I've lived as/within my whole life - and to see, realise and understand that if beliefs are what 'made me unique' - then I DON'T want to be 'unique'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can still be 'unique' in terms of having my own preferences of things/my own interests/qualities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the most vital thing for me within my life, is to be one and equal with all life, to free myself from the shackles that I've lived under within my mind - as to be strictly a physical being/body.

When and as I see myself fearing change out of a fear of losing what makes me 'unique' - I stop and breathe. I realise that for my whole life, the things that have made me 'unique' are my BELIEFS. I also realise that my own interests/qualities/preferences will still 'carry on' and stay with me, potentially even change, as they have done throughout my process - and to realise that no matter who I am, I will still be unique in terms of these things. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that what makes me unique are NOT my beliefs - what makes me unique is my own interests/qualities/preferences. Thus, I commit myself to let go of this fear of 'losing' what makes me unique if I am to change from my 'old self' and who I 'used to be'. I commit myself to not 'be' the person I used to be, for the sake of fearing change, I commit myself to put my writing/what I've learnt through Desteni into ACTION/LIVING WORDS, physically and practically - because this is the evidence of my real/actual self-change - this is what I want within my life/to exist within and as. A unique physical body.

Thursday, 9 April 2015

This is specifically about using the term 'UM' when speaking/writing. I find it interesting. When someone says "Um" they're usually just thinking up a response. I know that's how I've/when I've used the term "Um". But I'm writing about this to understand whether it's cool to say UM or to not at all. Because, if I'm saying it firstly, to give myself thinking time, then it's not really 'good'. I mean, anytime that one uses thoughts or has to think about something, that is a 'bad' sign as far as I'm aware. Having said that, a few days ago, someone was asking me the location of a certain place. I didn't know for sure where it was. BUT, I had an idea of where it was located. Because, it's in a shopping centre, but this shopping centre has 3 levels, and I was unsure what level it was on. I said "Um.." because I was trying to think/remember where it may be/through also remembering what other stores I have gone to, that were on the same level as this certain place.

So really, the 'um' is just giving myself/another the notice that I need a bit of time to remember something. Because, if another asked me where something was, and I said nothing lol and I just went straight into 'remembrance' mode, then it might be considered 'odd'. So for me, I see 'um' is a momentary placeholder for when I am considering/remembering something, but it is NOT a 'bad' thing to do/say. I was thinking that 'um' means I am participating within thoughts. BUT, what I just realise now is that, if the 'um' is used, because...like, it's used as an excuse to not do something, for instance "Um, no I'm busy" - and that is in answer to going out with someone to somewhere, but it is just an excuse/untrue, because one fears the outing for some reason, then obviously that's not cool. What I'm saying is, that 'Um' in that instance, is like a future projection of how the outing will go with the person, and that can then bring on the 'no I'm busy' part after the 'um'.

SOOO. 'Umm-ing' bides one time. But I see that it depends on the STARTING POINT of the 'um'. If the starting point is to proclaim something/say something within fears/judgments/emotions/feelings, then it's not cool. If it is used for when one needs time to remember something, I see it as fine. Because, I go back to the location of something example. It's not like I have every single location that I've ever been to, locked away within me, and I just know where it all is. Especially if I have only been somewhere once in the last 10 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the term 'um' in a way that bides me time, as to then proclaim a response to another within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not GENUINELY use the term 'um' as a means of remembering something - as in, accessing my memory as to answer another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the term 'um' as a 'bad' thing, because I saw it as a means of accessing my thoughts within my mind, instead of realising that it all depends on the question towards myself, as to whether I can then give a 'straight' answer/direct answer, or, need time to consider/remember, as to answer another as specifically as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the term 'um' is a good indicator to give to another, that I am in a state of 'remembering' as to answer their question, whereas, if I were to not say 'um' and instead go straight into remembering mode, another may assume that I just don't know the answer/that I'm ignoring them lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the term 'um' and myself using the term 'um' - as myself being 'clueless' as to the answer of something, when in most instances, I was in fact accessing my memory as to answer another/respond correctly to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the term 'um' as a means of delaying my response to another, as to 'pretend' that I'm considering the question, only to respond to the question within judgments/fears/emotion/feelings within my mind.

When and as I see myself using the term 'um' within giving myself time to participate within future projections of something playing out, and using the time to consider within my mind, whether I want to DO the future projection or not, and considering it firstly based on judgments/fears/emotions/feelings within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that my starting point for using the term 'um' should be only used for accessing a memory/memories as to remember something within my life that can assist another. I commit myself to only use the term 'um' when I am needing time to remember something for another/to give another accurate advice/an accurate answer, or as accurate of an answer as I can give to another. I commit myself to NOT use the term 'um' as a justification for delaying an answer to something, all because of future projections of something playing out, and then already by doing that, accessing judgments/fears/emotions/feelings and manifesting those by giving an actual answer to another - an answer shrouded within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings, through a starting point of these things in the first place, and future projections.

When and as I see myself not giving another a direct answer/response, when I KNOW that I can give one a direct answer/response, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's during these times where I must investigate my reasoning for not being able to give one a direct/cool, calm and collected response/answer. And I must investigate why I'm 'hesitating' to give an answer, and within this, practically always using the term 'um' as 'cover up' for then 'creating an answer within my mind' and thus within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings - when again, I know that I CAN in fact answer directly, physically/practically, WITHOUT needing to 'consider' the answer/response within my mind before saying it. I commit myself to answer things that I CAN answer, to another, as in, answering/responding to them without delay/umm-ing/ahh-ing about the answer/response that I give to another, and within this umm-ing and ahh-ing, participating within future projections/thoughts of the answer that I'm going to give to another, and manifesting judgments/fears/emotions/feelings, through 'twisting and turning' my answer as to make it for instance sound 'better' than the PROPER answer/response that I'd ideally in fact give to another - or twisting and turning my answer/response to not do something out of participation within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings.

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Today I was shopping, and I started having this fear that my nose was going to begin to bleed. I 'held myself together' - but I was being really cautious not to aggravate a potential nose bleed occurring. I've had a history of nose bleeds, and nose bleeds that take quite a while to stop bleeding. And I was definitely participating within this future projection of my nose bleeding while in the vicinity of other shoppers, blood all over the place, lol. I got out of the shopping centre, went back home, and there is no signs of an actual nose bleed happening at all, it was all a big 'deal' I made out of it, within my mind.

Blowing things out of proportion. Making a big deal out of things. All of these phrases I have lived out within my life, and none of them assist me at all. But, this worst case scenario pattern is such a common them within my life. It's like, my immediate focus always goes towards the worst case scenario/the worst thing that can happen. Pretty much ALL THE TIME, when I/if I end up living out this 'worst case scenario' within my mind, in my physical/practical reality, it's then when I realise 'Why did I make a big deal out of this at all, why did I fear this, why was this my 'worst case scenario'?'

So, it's time for me to stop basically, exclusively thinking of a worst case scenario. The worst thing that can happen to me in a situation. This future projection within my mind really does not assist me. Although, of course I still live within and as this pattern, because I know no better. It's in my pre-programming to fear the worst. To envision the worst case scenario, even though the chances of it happening are non-existent, or, when I actually DO what I perceived as a 'worst case scenario' it turns out to be a breeze. Funny how we make something such a big deal within our minds, then it turns out to be a piece of cake so to speak. Tricky, tricky mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always participate within future projections within my mind, of the WORST case scenario that could happen to me/that might happen to me dependent on the situation at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately be drawn to future projections within my mind of something going astray, something that I cannot control happening, something that I fear will make me look a certain way, be seen in a negative light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'blow things out of proportion' within my mind, perhaps not manifesting it within my physical reality, but having these blown out of proportion antics played over and over throughout my mind, which does actually alter my physical self/how I am at the time, by fearing that said projection happening.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be at one with my physical body at any given moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the worst case scenario future projection, and me not facing this worst case scenario future projection within my mind, not facing it within my physical/practical reality, as a means to feel an energetic happiness feeling, because I see that I 'succeeded' in one way or another, to avoid the worst case scenario projection within my mind, playing out in my physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that focusing upon the worst case scenario, whatever it may be, actually happening in my physical reality - this does not but to create a 'nervous' sensation within and as my physical body, fearing out of 'hope' that I won't have to or won't run into the 'worst case scenario' within my physical reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand the mind's 'tricks' in attempting to make me fear something to the point of burden - when the physical act in most cases, turns out to be 'fine' and NOTHING like the mind 'suggested' the physical act will be/play out like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that no matter what scenario is ahead of me, no matter how/what I project it as/being, the only thing that can dictate what will ACTUALLY occur, is dependent on the situation, and thus dependent on myself/what I do, or/and others/what they do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that I can only control things that are evidently within my physical/practical reality/self, IN MY CONTROL.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a worst case scenario pattern within my mind, take over my physical body, whereas I then manifest a fear, which manifests a strict focus solely on this worst case scenario pattern and if it will happen or not - which stops my focusing and being one with my physical self/body, because the focus goes towards a worst case scenario and the details revolving it, that I've created within my mind.

When and as I see myself creating within myself and existing within myself, a worst case scenario projection/pattern, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm pre-programmed to fear the worst in all situations, I realise that this takes a tremendous amount of damage unto my physical body, which can manifest as a disease/sickness and other physical body damages. I commit myself to not allow myself to give into this worst case scenario projection within my mind, within this, only considering the 'bad' things that can/may happen. I commit myself to live within the moment within my physical body, because I cannot alter the future, and any fears relating to the future are out of my hands/control.

When and as I see myself beginning to obsess within my mind, a future projection of a worst case scenario happening, that turns my focus from my present physical/practical reality, and unto this worst case scenario happening within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must stop in this instance, because the more I participate within and as this worst case scenario future projection, the more 'absent' I am from being 'in touch' and HERE within my physical body - which is a obvious recipe for disaster and possible consequence, if I am not existing within and as my physical body. I commit myself to thus after stopping myself within realisation of 'exiting' my physical body and 'entering' this mind state of a worst case scenario, I commit myself to breathe until I am back within my physical body, because the only 'focus' that I must consider, is the current focus/the present focus within and as my physical self.

I had this 'belief' today that while I was serving customers at the cash register, that they were angry at me, and wanted me to be 'faster' at processing their order/products. I've felt this before as well. I see that I mainly feel this way when I'm doing something for another, especially a stranger, and that they are like, 'eyeing' me and that their body language is saying 'HURRY THE HELL UP!' So within this, I see that I've mainly felt this way when dealing with people when working. Because, when working, it's like, well, I fell as if I have to make customers 'wait' at times. I don't feel this way with ALL people, just people that are staring at me while I do something for them/their body language when I am doing something for someone.

Of course, this is a self-belief I have within my mind. The fact that I'm still manifesting a 'pressure' sensation and sort of lose concentration as I'm assisting another, shows that I am still existing within and as this behaviour, myself. So, wanting another to 'be fast' at doing something, and crossing my arms, or having 'closed' body languages, as in, to attempt to show another that I am 'fed up' with them taking so long to do something, and wanting them to in fact be faster at doing it. So, I also see here that I'm impatient.

Impatience..yes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as impatience towards myself, whereas I don't allow myself to have the time or give myself the time and PATIENCE to do a task - and instead end up rushing a task because of impatience, albeit, self-created impatience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe through moments of impatience/rush, whereas I feel that I must do things fast, in trying to meet another's 'desires' for me to be fast at doing something, when in reality, I'm just participating within and as impatience towards myself/what I do, a self-belief that I believe is thus thought by others towards myself, when it is just a judgment that I have towards myself within my mind, and thus manifesting this judgment as 'impatience' and a 'rush' to do something, instead of breathing/slowing down/LIVING patience within myself/my physical self/body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this belief that all are 'impatient' with me, and are 'angry' with me for being 'too slow' - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the only one who is judging myself for being 'too slow' is MYSELF, because, I see that I must be faster, otherwise face the wrath of another (myself). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the self-created 'wrath' of myself if I am to be slow/not fast enough when doing/dealing with things within my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-created consequences if I am to not do things fast enough for my OWN liking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that 'consequences' will occur if I do not do something fast enough, not realising that any 'consequences' that I fear being done unto myself, are in MY control and MY making/creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live patience within every movement that I make/do, and as to not participate within and as this self-created belief within my mind that living within and as patience is a 'bad' thing, because I believe that I must sort of 'rush' through life/my daily tasks, when in reality, rushing brings on manifested mistakes, errors, consequences - when, with patience, I can be SURE of every little thing that I do within my life, and within this sureness, be aware, thus avoid consequence/mistakes.

When and as I see myself living within and as IMPATIENCE, I stop and breathe. I realise that living within and as impatience within every movement that I make, is a really unnecessary 'rushing' of tasks/movements that I make within my life, which I have seen throughout my life, create consequences/mistakes/errors, just for the sake of doing something 'fast' - when in reality, I see now that if I allowed myself to live within and as PATIENCE, I can be one with myself, with my movements/actions, and be able to clearly/physically be at peace with what I am doing within my physical body, slowing down, being there within the moment, not having to be 'mindful' of doing something correctly, because, I am already living within and as patience when doing the task/movement/action at hand slowly/surely, thus accurately, within awareness and within stability. I commit myself to thus live within and as patience ONLY, and to do this by really being AWARE of instances whereas I see that I am 'rushing' to do something, thus when this happens, I STOP, I BREATHE, bring myself back to my physical body, and continue the task/movement within my new found awareness within breath, thus living within and as patience.

When and as I see myself fearing this self-imposed 'wrath' from myself for being 'overly' patient within myself and not being 'quick enough' at doing something, I stop and breathe. I realise that any so called 'wrath' that I fear will overcome me if I am to be 'patient' or 'overly' patient, is just a belief that I allow myself to exist within and as within my mind. Because, I see within my actual physical/practical reality, that the only apparent 'wrath' or more like, consequences that 'appear' are when I do live within and as impatience, because when this happens, I am evidently not within and one with my physical body/my physical movements, because I am participating within this belief whereas I'm doing things faster than my physical body can handle, so my mind is dictating my movements and it is like a catch-up from my physical body, whereas I am rushing and rushing within impatience, attempting to 'keep up' with the pace that I SET within my mind of how fast that I 'want' to do a task, but it's this 'want' of doing something fast within impatience that creates manifested consequences within my physical/practical reality. I commit myself to be the one and only directive physical/practical principle within myself and every single movement that I make, to be one with each physical movement that I make, whether big or small, to thus be in direct control, and be able to be patient, stable within myself. I commit myself to not allow, even for one second, my mind to take hold, to dictate the actions/movements that I make - and to practice STOPPING when I see this happening, BREATHING, to bring myself back within and as my physical body - to BE the one and only directive principle within myself/each movement I make.

Sunday, 5 April 2015

I've actually come across this 'sensation' a few times within my life. And I had it again recently, whereas I was sleeping, dreaming presumably, perhaps about spiders, when suddenly, I felt something on my leg. I literally opened up my eyes, jumped out of bed, and was thoroughly looking over my body to see if I could see any signs of..spider. I saw nothing. I checked my bed and saw nothing. I DID see a sock in my bed. Most likely the 'culprit' in this situation. The sock fooled me! But this situation has shown me that I still fear spiders. I fear them upon my body. Crawling all over me, their hairy legs on my skin.

Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear spiders in every way, shape and form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the 'norm' within fearing spiders and seeing them as some FRIGHTENING sort of life that is OUT TO GET ME.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that if I take into consideration other insects that are similar to spiders, other bugs, ants, cockroaches, my fear of spiders does not make sense in reality. The only thing that 'separates' a spider from a cockroach is the colour, and perhaps the amount of legs, other than that, it's another form of life, another insect, in a different body, just like me and another human who has different coloured skin, and is perhaps taller than I am, or has longer arms/legs, or more hair on their head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a spider, and instantly see it as a THREAT.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the spider doesn't upon me seeing it, view me as a threat/enemy, and wants to hurt/kill me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I've created a belief system within myself, that spiders are 'out to get me' and 'won't stop until they hurt/kill me' - which is a TOTALLY unjustified fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as long as I am not harming the spider/creating a sense of harm towards the spider, then the spider is not going to bite me for instance, just for the sake of biting me, or because it 'hates' me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept spiders for what they are, that is, another form of life, just like any and all other forms of life, who deserve the right to exist, care-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that just because a spider is perhaps crawling upon me, does NOT mean it is intending to cause me harm, it perhaps just 'lost its sense of direction' or wanted to experience a new form of ground, that being, my skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the 'speed' of some spiders, and seeing them move fast, and then fearing 'where are they now?' - not realising that the reason that the spiders 'move fast' in the first place, is always down to me attempting to catch/kill them, and them avoiding this, of course.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that spiders are just like humans, they like to explore, they like to keep warm, they like to move around the place, they eat/sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see spiders as one and equal to myself in every way, shape and form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see spiders/other insects as 'insignificant' purely based on their SIZE.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ALL LIFE comes in different forms/shapes/sizes, and none of these differences make one life more 'important' than another life.

When and as I see a spider, and immediately upon seeing the spider, participate within self-created fear towards the spider and what it might do to me, I stop and breathe. I realise that seeing the spider, does NOT instantly mean the spider has seen me, and now that it sees me, want to hurt/kill me, this is just a belief system that I've allowed myself to exist within and as. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that the spider is just indoors, and is just 'chilling'. I commit myself to either allow the spider to continue 'chilling' or to move it from indoors, to outdoors, dependent on what I see fit within the situation.

When and as I see myself under the self-created assumption that spiders 'aim' in life is to hurt/kill humans, I stop and breathe. I realise that through brainwashing, I've been under the impression that spiders must be considered as 'scary' creatures, not realising that spiders being 'scary' holds no realism/practicality. I realise that none has taken the care to examine WHY one apparently SHOULD fear spiders, they just fear them, for life, without asking WHY? I commit myself to not participate within and as brainwashing as to fear spiders and everything about them for the SAKE OF IT, with-OUT any actual practical evidence/need to fear spiders.

When and as I see myself not accepting and allowing myself to see spiders and other 'small' insects/animals as equal to myself, JUST BECAUSE of their size/that they are smaller than I am, I stop and breathe. I realise that seeing another/anything as 'less than' because of its size, is a form of separation. I realise that life is life, and that is all that matters. I commit myself to respect all life, and not discriminate against specific life because of how small it is, or how big it is, just like I don't discriminate against one's colour/features and so on.

Saturday, 4 April 2015

The other day, I was doing volunteer work - I was at the cash register. And my manager came to the counter, because they had items to buy. I was processing the items, but I kept fucking things up while processing the items, and then I like, lost count of how much change I had to give back to my manager. It was interesting, because this 'messing up' while processing items/handling of money was not evident with any other 'regular' customers. So, I see that I saw who was buying the items, my manager, and went into a state of PANIC. Like "Fuck, I have to get this shit right!"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a set of expectations within myself of having to do something 'perfectly' otherwise fear that something 'bad' will happen to me, such as getting fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the ONLY expectations that I am 'desiring' to MEET, are my OWN expectations, NOT the non-existent expectations of my manager.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my manager from another in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not process a transaction slowly and surely, no matter WHO is buying the items.

When and as I see myself feeling as if I need to 'do something perfectly' to meet another's apparent expectations, I stop and breathe. I realise that the 'expectations' that I am aiming to meet, are self-created expectations within my mind, and within this, allowing this sense of 'pressure' within myself, which then manifests by me fucking up something by rushing it - by NOT slowing down, being in control of the situation. I commit myself to stay ONLY within the moment, within my physical body, to do what I have to do, what I know that I can do, and to just do it - thus not 'feeling' that I need to do something with 'extra class' or 'extra effort' for the sake of THINKING that I need to meet another's 'expectations'.

When and as I see myself seeing my manager as 'in another league' compared to others, I stop and breathe. I realise that the fact that I see my manager as the 'higher up' in comparison to others, is the justification that I allow within myself, to believe that I must then do things 'perfectly' otherwise face potential consequences of not doing things 'perfectly' - when in reality, doing things the way that I always do them, thus not feeling as if I need to do things 'perfectly' or any better than I usually do, is the key to not for instance, fuck something up/making mistakes. I commit myself to see my manager as equal to myself/and all. I commit myself to not through separation, see my manager as someone who is better than me/others. I commit myself to not participate within and as self-created justifications of seeing that I must 'do things perfectly' or 'better than usual' as to 'appear' like I know what I'm doing. I commit myself to do what I always do, no matter who is needing me to do it, whether it be a manager, a customer, or a co-worker.

I must say, I have written about this topic about a million times (not really) but it seems like that much, BUT, I will write about it again, another million times (not really) until I let go/change this point.

So, I am still 'struggling' to exit my bed after waking up. I already know that after waking up ONCE, it is time to WAKE UP FOR REAL. Sometimes I do tend to wake up, and sit up in my bed, and watch some tv, or watch something, or...listen to stuff - I don't see anything wrong with that, but the thing that I must stop doing, is GOING BACK TO SLEEP. Nothing good comes from going back to sleep. This pattern needs changing. Needs writing, and physical/practical change, of course. So, let's see..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require an external purpose/reason/motive, to NOT go back to sleep after waking up for the first time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wake up, 'feel' tired, and use that AS AN EXCUSE to go back to sleep again, in the BELIEF that I 'require' ADDITIONAL sleep, when in reality..it just takes some time to 'get myself together' within my physical body after immediately waking up after a sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to FORGET about each and every time that I HAVE in fact woken up first time and STAYED awake, and the benefits that my physical body reaps for doing so.

When and as I see myself participating within the BELIEF that I require additional sleep after first waking up, because I 'feel' tired, I stop and breathe. I realise that it doesn't exactly 'make sense' for one to feel SUPER AWAKE AND READY FOR THE DAY as soon as they wake up, I realise that it takes some TIME, to 'get with it' and to 'get into the zone' - the physical body zone, it is not an instant thing. It requires time/patience, as does all movements in life. Thus, I commit myself to NOT allow backchats of requiring more sleep, because of 'feeling' like I need more sleep. I commit myself to BREATHE, because that will increase my chances of 'getting in touch' with my physical body, and at a faster rate, and use that as a means to really know what is best for my physical body in that moment of consideration of whether to sleep more, OR, to do what I KNOW is best for my physical body - STAYING the F$^# awake.

When and as I see myself 'requiring' some sort of external factor as motivation/purpose/reason as 'incentive' to WILL myself to stay awake, I stop and breathe. I realise that relying on external things, whatever they are, to do what is best for my physical body, is BOUND to fail. Because, I can't 'rely' on external things. The only thing I CAN rely on, is my OWN WILLINGNESS to CHANGE, to STAY AWAKE. And that comes from WITHIN myself, not OUTSIDE of myself. I am in control of my physical body. Thus, I commit myself to immediately upon waking up for the first time, to breathe as I mentioned earlier, and to either sit up in bed, or get out of bed entirely, and to absolutely STOP myself from 'wanting' and 'desiring' to LIE DOWN AGAIN. As I have seen on just about EVERY occasion, lying down again in bed leads to MORE SLEEP, even if I try to not sleep lol. The fact that I lie down in the first place is the GIVING INTO MY MIND pattern. As soon as I lie down, that's it. The mind wins. The pre-programmed pattern wins. So, I thus commit myself to be aware of my physical body after waking up, to keep it steady, 'upright' and obviously to not participate within the belief that I require more sleep through lying down again which always for me, leads to more sleep, which leads to a 'dreary' physical body.
I commit myself to not allow my physical body to lie down. I commit myself to not lie down, as I know what that leads me to. I commit myself to not 'half' lie down, as in..lying down, but keeping my head 'up' as to fool myself into thinking that I am 'still' awake, as I realise that in fact, the movement of me lying down AT ALL, is the reality that I am still within a pattern of DESIRING additional sleep. I commit myself to not 'lie' to myself by 'half' lying down after waking up.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

In my 'pursuit' for 'Destonian' people in my life, I've realised that when seeing that 'tag' or 'label' - when seeing the word 'Destonian' - right at that moment, I IGNORE every single 'other' aspect of an individual. Like, because one says that they're a Destonian, or because one participates within Desteni, I ASSUME within IGNORANCE, that they can be 'relied' on so to speak. That I can 'trust them' for the most part. That any 'conflict' that will occur/may occur for whatever reason, will EVENTUALLY be subsided, why? Because, I see that 2 Destonians, or more than 2, can 'reach an agreement' or a solution, ALWAYS. I think this, because I see that the tools allow one to do this, through self-investigation/self-forgiveness/corrective statements. But, within this, I've allowed myself to cloud my perspectives of what a Destonian is. I remember asking someone if I was a Destonian. I desired the tag/label - Destonian. The answer was that, it was up to me whether I was a Destonian or not. And it is up to me. But, it's not a gimmick. Anyone can say they are a Destonian, but NOT truly live what it MEANS to BE a Destonian.

I've placed so much value on the word 'Destonian' - that if I see one say they are a Destonian/see them participating within Desteni, it's like an 'automated' respect to them sort of thing, and a...desire to talk to them. I allow this automated respect towards 'Destonians' - WITHOUT KNOWING THEM on any level. It's vital for me to not be pulled by the force of the word 'Destonian' - the self-created force/energies that I've attached towards the word 'Destonian'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach positive energies towards the word 'Destonian' and participate within these positive energies as soon as I see/hear the word 'Destonian' come up in relation to another/myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'use' the word 'Destonian' to my 'advantage' by perceiving that 'now that I see myself as a Destonian, that I am 'more than others' and 'better than others' - which is completely untrue, and pure separation of myself in relation to others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so under the influence of the word 'Destonian' and one being a Destonian, that I have allowed myself to COMPLETELY ignore HOW that person is/what they are, because within this, I've allowed myself to ignore/suppress how/what the person actually is, how they live etc, in favour of what I WANT THEM to be, that is, a Destonian, within this, a person who I can rely on/trust, who can assist me, as I assist them, to resolve potential conflicts if they arise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the self-created fantasy/imagination that 'everything will be well if I were to be in a relationship with another Destonian' - again, allowing myself to ignore how the person is in their current state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that whether one 'is' a Destonian or not is NOT important, it is whether one LIVES what it MEANS to be a Destonian, this is VITAL - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw around the word 'Destonian' - WITHOUT considering what it MEANS to BE and LIVE as a Destonian, as one who is equal and one with all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to throw around the word 'Destonian' lightly, instead of really seeing and understanding and realising what it truly means to be a Destonian.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise, that my POINT/POINTS of change/my practical/physical change is WHAT is NECESSARY, and that CHANGE is my ultimate goal now, and whether the word was 'Destonian' or a completely different word, the CHANGE within myself is what STANDS, and what is necessary, NOT how the changed person is 'described' or 'labelled as'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be 'willing' to enter a relationship/friendship/communicate with anyone, just because they are a Destonian, instead of getting to KNOW the person, and what their interests are, how they live, what is happening within their life and so on.

When and as I see myself seeing the word 'Destonian' as some 'godly symbol' within self-created attachments towards the word 'Destonian' with positive energies/feel good energies, I stop and breathe. I realise that ANYONE can SAY that they are for instance a Destonian, but the ONLY thing that COUNTS/MATTERS is whether one TRULY SHOWS that they ARE a Destonian, an individual who is one and equal with all life, who can evidently show that they are one and equal with all life/in their process of reaching this goal. I commit myself to ALWAYS look at the person, ANY PERSON, to know them, to understand them, to come to an answer as to whether they will for instance 'assist' and 'support' me within a friendship of some sort, or a relationship, instead of BLINDLY 'accepting' one, especially a Destonian, and 'taking them as they are' because they participate within Desteni and label themselves as a Destonian.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing 'positive energies' to arise within my mind when and as I see/hear the word 'Destonian' - I stop and breathe. I realise that a Destonian is just a word, as is any other word, and it's 'impact' is DEPENDENT on how I DEFINE IT, and WHAT I attach to it, if anything. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand what BEING a Destonian MEANS. I commit myself to thus live the principles of what a Destonian IS, in its PRACTICAL/PHYSICAL form/essence, INSTEAD of labeling myself as a Destonian, FOR FEEL-GOOD reasons WITHIN MY MIND.