Ronaldo Dedicates Champions League Victory to Himself

Cristiano Ronaldo has dedicated Real Madrid’s stunning Champions League victory over Juventus to himself. The Portuguese hitman scored sixteen goals in this season’s competition, including hat-tricks in the quarter and semi finals, and a brace in the final.

Phenomenal

“Ronaldo is phenomenal,” Ronaldo told Soccer on Sunday. “The goals, the six-pack, the eyebrows — he’s the whole package. Take him out of the Madrid team, and what’s left? A big, steaming pile of donkey shite. That’s what. To say he is a one man team implies that there is a team around him, instead of these clumsy no-six-pack oafs with terrible eyebrows. Ronaldo is a one man man.”

Ronaldo admits that he is flattered by the praise.

“Well, when Ronaldo speaks, I listen,” said Ronaldo. “You’re talking about a four-time winner of this competition. We’re of similar age. I’ve always considered him a beautifully tanned mentor.”

“I’d like to dedicate this victory to Ronaldo,” added Ronaldo. “We did it, Great One. We did it!”

Buffon

Veteran Juventus goalkeeper Gianluigi Buffon was among the first to congratulate Ronaldo on his achievement.

“I told him that it was a privilege to compete against such a great player,” the Italian told Soccer on Sunday. “He told me that he doesn’t feel the same way and asked me to stop breathing on him. Then he said my eyebrows make him physically ill and told a security guard that I was bothering him. I understand, he is a big star. I went to shake his hand, he left me hanging, and that was it. I wish him well.”