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Friday, July 31, 2015

New Archies Reviewed - Episode 2A: Last Laugh

It's
time for another exciting adventure in THE NEW ARCHIES
REVIEWED! Can you believe that we have gotten through
one episode already? Well, only another
twelve to go.

Or,
twenty-four, if you count half-episodes.
Which in this case we will.

Before
I go ahead with today's edition though, I do have a request. It's not a big deal if I can't get it
honoured, as I have quite a few episodes screenshotted anyway.

(Yeah,
I know. Screenshotted isn't a
word. Let's just ignore it for today.)

But
I am lacking a few episodes in the mix.
And, if it's possible, I'd like to find the lost episodes so I can truly
do this feature justice. I can probably
describe them at least, as I have seen all of them before, but screenshots
would make them pop much better.

I have
the first five episodes, as well as eight and half of nine. But I still need the following...

If anyone can send me links to any of these episodes, I will be your best
friend forever!

Okay,
so episode 1A was all about Archie. 1B
was about Betty and Veronica. Who will
the featured Riverdale character be in 2A?

Hmmm...Episode 2A - Last Laugh. Why do I
get the feeling that this episode has Reggie Mantle written all over it?

Okay,
so we're introduced to the exterior of Riverdale Junior High School, and it is
here that we get our first glimpse of Mr. Weatherbee and...

...oh
my good lord, what the hell is he wearing?
Geez, I know Miami Vice was huge back in the 1980s, but this look is
wrong! All wrong! And anyone who has read the comic books know
that Mr. Weatherbee's toupee is basically just three hairs on his head, so
seeing him in a full head of hair is absolutely ridiculous.

Look! Even Mr. Weatherbee's reflection is laughing
at him! Eh, it's a cartoon. That's the only way it works in the world.

Ah,
but there's a reason why Weatherbee is trying his best to look like Don
Johnson. He wants to go to the Sadie
Hawkins Dance with Miss Grundy, and thinks that if he looks sexy in pastel,
she'll swoon in his arms. Wait? When did Weatherbee and Grundy become an
item? I mean, yes, in the Life With
Archie series, they got married before Grundy died of cancer, but still...up
until now, we were lead to believe that Grundy and Weatherbee were just as
asexual as Jughead!

And
speaking of Jughead, there he is, sleeping in the gym, standing up...with
balloons keeping him upright. You know
in real life, Jughead would fall, pop the balloons, and lose the hearing in his
left ear from the gigantic bang.
Luckily, this is a cartoon and nobody gets hurt unless plot calls for
it.

Anyway,
Jughead is "helping" Archie, Reggie, and Eugene decorate the gym for
the dance, which Reggie thinks is stupid because he hates having to do any
physical work, especially for a dance where women ask the men out because he's
a sexist pig in pink argyle. Archie
tells him to knock it off and sweep, but Reggie has other ideas when he spots a
frog hopping in the gym.

No
explanation as to why the frog is there in the first place, but hey. Who needs feasible explanations in the Archie
world? Reggie decides that he will wrap
up the frog in a box, and give it to Miss Grundy as a gift. (Spoiler alert: This is NOT the first time a frog, Reggie, and Miss Grundy are in
a plotline). The catch? He's letting Eugene do his dirty work.

And
Miss Grundy decides to open it on a ladder.
Nothing says living dangerously like opening up a present 20 feet in the
air. The frog jumps out, Miss Grundy
falls to the ground, and the episode ends at her grave.

Just
kidding.

Actually,
Miss Grundy falls into Weatherbee's arms, and Weatherbee - who apparently can't
carry more than six pounds, falls backwards onto the refreshment table, and
sends the cake flying! A quick thinking
Archie manages to save the cake...

...only
for cafeteria worker Miss Beazley to smash it right in his face. But, hey!
Miss Beazley! Don't tell me she
followed the gang through school too!

Anyway,
Miss Beazley has a bowl of her delicious, non-alcoholic fruit punch to serve at
the dance, and she wants to know where to put it, since Grundy and Weatherbee
destroyed the table. But then the frog
- who has decided to wear Weatherbee's toupee jumps into the bowl of fruit
punch, and makes Beazley throw the punch all over Weatherbee and Grundy.

And,
Reggie just laughs like a hyena because he was the one who set this chain of
events in motion. Surprisingly enough
though, he does not get punished. Then
again, Grundy and Weatherbee are covered in fruit punch. I sure hope Weatherbee's new pastel suit can
be dry cleaned.

Of
course, we all know that Reggie is a master of practical jokes, and that he can
be a real jerk about it. And since the
Sadie Hawkins Day dance is fast approaching, Reggie decides to have a little
bit of fun.

For
instance, he takes the old water gun in the bouquet of flowers gag one step
further and sprays Betty with so much water that it destroys her fabulously
expensive 1980s hairstyle that looks no different from how she usually looks.

Then
he pours itching powder down Archie's back while he's trying to get Veronica to
ask him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance, which prompts Archie to practice voguing
long before Madonna made it hip.

Let
your body move to the music, Arch. Go
with the flow.

And
don't think that at the track and field meet that Reggie gives up his prankster
ways. He glues Moose's shoes to the
track, causing him to fall flat on his face.

And
since he still has half a tube of Krazy Glue in his possession, he thinks it
would be a hoot if he glued the flying discuses so that Archie could humiliate
himself even more. Just too bad that
someone else has decided to use the discus instead, and...

...OH
MY GOD! It's Fangs Freakin'
Fogarty! Wow!

For those of you who don't know, Fangs was a recurring character in the Little
Archie universe, and his purpose on the show was to beat up Archie, Jughead,
Reggie...pretty much anyone who went after his girlfriend Penny. And, I'm guessing that Penny transferred
schools and got a restraining order against Fangs because she's nowhere in
sight, and Fangs is now attacking Reggie the same way that Moose would attack
Reggie for going after his "gurl named Midge".

Of
course, Fangs won't break Reggie's face - IF he does one thing. He has to get Veronica to ask Fangs to the
Sadie Hawkins Dance. An easy request.

NOT! Turns out that our Riverdalian Princess with
the Valley Girl accent finds Fangs totally bogus, and he makes her gag without
the spoon! And, like, Veronica totally
wants to ask Archie because his red hair makes her feel truly outrageous like
Jem.

So,
Reggie decides to call Fangs and disguises his voice just like Veronica because
Reggie is lucky that it's the 1980s, and Caller ID was just a fleeting dream in
Riverdale. But how will he get through
this one?

Why,
by dressing up exactly like Veronica, of course, right down to the frizzy
looking mop atop her head. It's a good
thing that Reggie just happens to be wearing the same outfit that Veronica is. Looks like something from the Olivia
Newton-John exercise collection! Very
stylish!

Oh,
but even though the dance is taking place at approximately four in the
afternoon and it is still bright out, and the lights in the gym give off the
same intensity as a Hollywood spotlight, Fangs and Archie can't tell the
difference between real Veronica and fake Veronica.

Because
Archie manages to grab Reggie to get down on the dance floor.

And
Veronica ends up getting abducted by Fangs Fogarty. Or, maybe that's Fangs' way of getting down
with his bad self. Who can say?

And,
hey, look! It's Big Ethel in the
bleachers with Jughead and Betty - and once again, Jughead doesn't speak a word
as he's too busy gorging on whatever food there is at the dance. I don't even know how Jughead's voice artist
actually made any money in this show at all.
I think he's spoken fewer words in the first three episodes than there
was in Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham". And one of those words was Feltzig.

(Oh,
and the reason why they call her Big Ethel is because of her height. And standing next to the other characters,
Ethel is obviously eight feet tall.)

But,
hey, at least Ethel managed to convince Jughead to go with her to the dance by
bribing him with food. Betty - who
happens to be dressed like either a Bangle or a Bananarama member - decided to
invite herself to the dance, which I find hard to believe. I mean, Moose was single since he doesn't
meet Midge until high school. She could
have gone with him.

But
Betty had her heart set on Archie and is pissed that Veronica snatched him away
- again. And this prompts Ethel to look
at the dance floor and become quite confused at the fact that Veronica has
cloned herself.

Before
Ethel can say anything though, Miss Grundy turns off the synthesizer music and
tells everyone to shut up. It's time to
announce the Queen of the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Wait. When did a Sadie Hawkins Dance have a
queen? A homecoming dance or prom I can
see...but a Sadie Hawkins Queen? Wasn't
Sadie Hawkins like a redneck woman and not a high-class broad?

Then
again. It's a cartoon. Nothing makes sense in a cartoon.

And
here's where things get dicey. The
queen of the dance is EthelBettyMiss Beazley Veronica Lodge! But when you have two Veronicas approaching
the stage at the same time without a stick of Doublemint gum in the shot, you
know that a catfight is about to take place.

Sure
enough, Veronica pulls off Reggie's wig, removes the toilet paper stuffed
inside his shirt, and makes fun of his Olivia Knockoff John rags before chasing
Reggie out of the gym wanting to scratch his eyes out.

Oh,
and Fangs follows along too, as it wouldn't be a day if Fangs didn't try to
kill someone.

But
I'm guessing that Reggie must have gotten away, as he appears in the next
episode.

But
yeah...this episode was a mixed bag in many ways. Sure, it was great to be introduced to some new characters like
Mr. Weatherbee, Big Ethel, and surprisingly Fangs Fogarty. And it was nice to see Reggie actually pay
for his mischief and tricks. But the
whole "I'll be your doppelganger" storyline has been done to
death. Just ask current fans of
"The Young and the Restless" for proof of that. And honestly, the story was fairly blah. So Reggie dresses up as a girl to fool the
school bully so he won't beat him up.
The thing that makes me question is all is why nobody busted him
sooner. I know Fangs isn't the sharpest
knife in the drawer, but Archie was unintentionally made to look like a
complete idiot. Sure, he's indecisive,
klutzy, and a two-timing beast, but he at least had some smarts.

Then
again, there are no rules in "The New Archies". We just have to watch it. Or rather, I have to watch it and review it.

Coming up in next week's show, we are introduced
to another new character - as well as a mystery that would make the Hardy Boys
wish they worked at Burger King.