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Monday, September 12, 2016

#SonofaPitch #5: Simple Acts of Grace

For my regular readers, these are some special posts this week as part of a pitch contest I'm providing feedback for.

For participants, welcome to my blog! I'm happy to host you and excited to see what kinds of stories you've written. Please remember that only the author of this piece and the participating judges are supposed to comment. All other comments will be deleted.

Title: Simple Acts of GraceAge and Genre: Adult, Historical Fiction

Word Count: 80,000Query:

When a young nurse uncovers horrific abuse at a Nazi baby factory, she saves the children by joining forces with an unlikely ally — an SS officer working covertly for the resistance.

When Allina Strauss arrives at the notorious Nazi baby factory called Hochland Home, she has nothing left to live for. SS officers have murdered nearly everyone she loves and killed her innocence. The only thing standing between Allina and death is a set of forged papers that hide a terrifying secret: Her mother was Jewish, making her a half-bloodMischling.

Traumatized and grieving, Allina’s despair grows as she becomes both participant and witness to Heinrich Himmler’s ruthless eugenics program. Girls of pure blood mate with SS officers to breed offspring for the Führer, while nurses like Allina must follow strict protocols and treat babies like inventory, without affection. Hundreds of Hochland Home's neglected, disabled children wind up in experimental hospitals, slated for execution.

But grace often appears at the most hopeless moments. When Gruppenführer Karl von Strassberg catches Allina cuddling a baby, she’s afraid she’ll be punished for breaking house rules. Instead, Karl is intrigued by her gentle approach and seeks out her company. He even secures Himmler’s approval for a rehabilitation plan for the children.When Karl learns Allina is half Jewish, he vows to protect her and shares a secret that changes both their destinies: While outwardly loyal to the Reich, Karl works in secret to smuggle Jewish children to England. As their shared work brings them closer and friendship deepens into love, Karl and Allina are forced to live double lives amid the growing threat of war. And when Allina becomes pregnant, the couple faces a harrowing decision: Will they continue to risk their lives, and the life of their unborn child, to transport more children to safety?

First 250 words:

Evil rarely falls like a hammer, Uncle Dieter always warned, for at its core, evil is a cowardly thing. Evil lives in the shadows. It sneaks around, like a pickpocket. We must be vigilant, child. Even the smallest act of evil can destroy.

Allina accepted her uncle’s words as truth, because he was the smartest, kindest man in her world. He was the only father she’d ever known.

Three years ago, on the day the Führer became Chancellor, Allina rushed home from school to find her aunt and uncle at the kitchen table, weeping. Shocked silent, she’d hesitated in the doorway while their sobs filled the room. Her aunt and uncle had wiped their tears and beckoned her inside with smiles, but Allina wasn’t fooled. Uncle hugged her so tightly her ribs had burned, and Auntie’s hands trembled when she poured Allina a glass of milk. She’d realized the truth that day, at thirteen: Adolf Hitler was the evil Uncle warned her about.

Allina knew evil existed. But she never thought she’d recognize it in the face of a friend.

“You’d have those filthy Jews here? Why?” Fritz’s voice was high and sharp, like the crack of a horse whip. Sitting up in the grass, he made a show of brushing bits of leaves off his grey trousers and smoothing the untidy strands of his blond, razored hair.

Allina’s cheeks prickled with alarm. His obnoxious jokes usually made her sick to her stomach, but Fritz had never been so vicious.

7 comments:

Full disclosure here: I am of Jewish descent and I find Holocaust fiction difficult to read, emotionally. So, I am probably not your target audience.

But I still want to help, so here goes:

The first paragraph of your query seems unnecessary to me, since it is a quick summary of what is said in the rest. I recommend cutting it and beginning with what is now your second paragraph.

Other than that, I feel like I get a good sense of your plot from this query. It's clear, concise enough, and intriguing.

_______________________The 250 words . . .

I liked the opening two paragraphs very much. I had a bit of a rough transition into the third paragraph though. It was a jump in tone, from homely and personal to historical fact. Maybe you can work it which day it was a little later in the paragraph so as not to lose the emotional build-up you were establishing with Allina's affection for her uncle.

I bumped harder coming out of the third paragraph into the fourth. We must have changed settings completely, so that she's now somewhere else (not the kitchen) with someone else (not her aunt and uncle), but I missed any cues to guide as to the shift and felt jolted.

Here are comments from Elsie Elmore. My blog won't let her comment for herself.___________________________Query: When a young nurse . . .for the resistance. (Is this your tag line intro?)

Allina Strauss (How old?) arrives at the notorious Nazi baby factory called Hochland Home (with) nothing left to live for. SS officers have murdered nearly everyone she loves and killed(taken/robbed/destroyed) her innocence. The only thing standing between Allina and death is a set of forged papers that hide a terrifying secret: Her mother was Jewish, making her a half-blood Mischling.(When I first read that sentence I immediately thought she was suicidal since the opening sentence said she had nothing to live for. You might want to change the tone that she’s frightened her life will be take or change the angle of approach slightly)

Allina’s despair . . . slated for execution. (Chills. Well done.)

But grace often appears at the most hopeless moments. When Gruppenführer Karl von Strassberg catches Allina cuddling a baby, she’s petrified (amp it up) she’ll be punished for breaking house rules. Instead, Karl, intrigued by her gentle approach, seeks out her company.( His affection for him inspires him to? )secure Himmler’s approval for a rehabilitation plan for the children. When Karl learns Allina is half Jewish, he vows to protect her and shares a secret that changes both their destinies: While outwardly loyal to the Reich, Karl secretly smuggles Jewish children to England. As their shared work brings them closer and friendship deepens into love, Karl and Allina are forced to live double lives amid the growing threat of war. And when Allina becomes pregnant, the couple faces a harrowing decision: Will they continue to risk their lives, and the life of their unborn child, to transport more children to safety? (Love this stake right here but think a little tinkering can increase the drama. )

Allina accepted . . . Three years ago, on the day the Führer became Chancellor, Allina rushed home from school to find her aunt and uncle (weeping) at the kitchen table. Shocked silent, she’d hesitated in the doorway while their sobs filled the room. Her aunt and uncle had wiped their tears and beckoned her inside with smiles, but Allina wasn’t fooled. Uncle hugged her so tightly her ribs had burned, and Auntie’s hands trembled when she poured Allina a glass of milk. She’d realized the truth that day, at thirteen: Adolf Hitler was the evil Uncle warned her about.

Allina knew evil existed. But she never thought she’d recognize it in the face of a friend.

(Okay, so , the first part now feels like a prologue not the start to the story. Am I right? And that doesn’t make it bad. That section reads differently and takes place some where else – unless someone comes in to the kitchen with a horsewhip J If it is, call it out as such.

“You’d have those filthy Jews here? Why?” Fritz’s voice was high and sharp, like the crack of a horse whip.(nice detail) Sitting up in the grass, he made a show of brushing bits of leaves off his grey trousers and smoothing the untidy strands of his blond, razored hair.

Allina’s cheeks prickled with alarm. His obnoxious jokes usually made her sick to her stomach, but Fritz had never been so vicious.

I like the writing and the voice here very much. Determine and address what the goals are for the first two chunks so ease the transition, but other than that – All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you. Best of luck

Comments from Kathleen Palm on the query: When a young nurse uncovers horrific abuse at a Nazi baby factory, she saves the children by joining forces with an unlikely ally — an SS officer working covertly for the resistance.

When Allina Strauss arrives at the notorious Nazi baby factory called Hochland Home, she has nothing left to live for. SS officers have murdered nearly everyone she loves and killed her innocence. The only thing standing between Allina and death is a set of forged papers that hide a terrifying secret: Her mother was Jewish, making her a half-bloodMischling.

Traumatized and grieving, Allina’s despair grows as she becomes both participant and witness to Heinrich Himmler’s ruthless eugenics program. Girls of pure blood mate with SS officers to breed offspring for the Führer, while nurses like Allina must follow strict protocols and treat babies like inventory, without affection. Hundreds of Hochland Home's neglected, disabled children wind up in experimental hospitals, slated for execution.

But grace often appears at the most hopeless moments. When Gruppenführer Karl von Strassberg catches Allina cuddling a baby, she’s afraid she’ll be punished for breaking house rules. Instead, Karl is intrigued by her gentle approach and seeks out her company. He even secures Himmler’s approval for a rehabilitation plan for the children. When Karl learns Allina is half Jewish, he vows to protect her and shares a secret that changes both their destinies: While outwardly loyal to the Reich, Karl works in secret to smuggle Jewish children to England. As their shared work brings them closer and friendship deepens into love, Karl and Allina are forced to live double lives amid the growing threat of war. And when Allina becomes pregnant, the couple faces a harrowing decision: Will they continue to risk their lives, and the life of their unborn child, to transport more children to safety?

This is beautiful. It feels a bit long, maybe you don’t need the first paragraph since it’s a summary. I feel for Allina and Karl and would love to know how their story ends. Most agents/publishers caution against using a question at the end of a query, instead to simply state the stakes.

Samantha, thanks again for posting. Kathleen, thanks for your helpful comments! That first paragraph is actually my pitch/logline -- and I shouldn't have included it in my query. Others have commented on it too. Thanks again! :-)

Evil rarely falls like a hammer, Uncle Dieter always warned, for at its core, evil is a cowardly thing. Evil lives in the shadows. It sneaks around, like a pickpocket. We must be vigilant, child. Even the smallest act of evil can destroy.

Allina accepted her uncle’s words as truth, because he was the smartest, kindest man in her world. He was the only father she’d ever known.

Three years ago, on the day the Führer became Chancellor, Allina rushed home from school to find her aunt and uncle at the kitchen table, weeping. Shocked silent, she’d hesitated in the doorway while their sobs filled the room. Her aunt and uncle had wiped their tears and beckoned her inside with smiles, but Allina wasn’t fooled. Uncle hugged her so tightly her ribs had burned, and Auntie’s hands trembled when she poured Allina a glass of milk. She’d realized the truth that day, at thirteen: Adolf Hitler was the evil Uncle warned her about.

Allina knew evil existed. But she never thought she’d recognize it in the face of a friend. (feels like author intrusion here, let us feel her hurt through her.)

“You’d have those filthy Jews here? Why?” Fritz’s voice was high and sharp, like the crack of a horse whip. Sitting up in the grass, he made a show of brushing bits of leaves off his grey trousers and smoothing the untidy strands of his blond, razored hair.

Allina’s cheeks prickled with alarm. His obnoxious jokes usually made her sick to her stomach, but Fritz had never been so vicious.

Your words are beautiful. I had a rough time going from one paragraph to the next…I am not grounded with a character or a setting, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. I feel things, but not linked to anything. Ground me with Allina, with where she is and what she is facing at the moment, then you can weave in the thoughts of evil from the first paragraph…weave in the memories of her Aunt and Uncle.