Click HERE for a list of the multinational, multicultural, multiracial, multicolored, progressive, enlightened, forward-thinking, backstabbing coalition of empowered people who assist me in the creation and maintenance of this website.

jimgoad.net :: the herbal date-rape drug

The Herbal Date-Rape Drug

Exclusive Interview With Dr. Skanklon Tarbush

WHAT IS THIS “HERBAL DATE-RAPE DRUG” I KEEP HEARING ABOUT, DOCTOR?I’m glad you asked. The “herbal date-rape drug” refers to a simple herb named rohydra, which grows naturally throughout the Northwest. Just as ephedra is an herb which forms the organic basis of methamphetamines (i.e., “speed” or “crank”), pharmacists use the herb rohydra to derive a compound called rohypnol, which in pill form is called “the date-rape drug.” In short, the herbal date-rape drug rohydra is merely the natural source for the pharmaceutical date-rape drug rohypnol. Only it’s herbal.

WHAT IS A “SMOOFIE”?“Smoofie” is street slang used by certain elements of the criminal underworld who traffic in the illicit sale of rohydra, a.k.a. “the herbal date-rape drug.” The word “smoofie” refers to a cigarette or marijuana joint which has been “laced” with rohydra. Those of the criminal ilk often refer to the pill form of the date-rape drug rohypnol as a “roofie.” By melding the words “smokeable” and “roofie,” we arrive at the term “smoofie.”

HOW DOES A “SMOOFIE” DIFFER FROM A “ROOFIE”?
A “roofie,” as I just stated and which you would have known had you been paying attention, is the PILL form of the date-rape drug. Roofies are typically dissolved into the victim’s drink when she isn’t looking. A “smoofie,” on the other hand, is smoked. You smoke a smoofie. It is often slipped surreptitiously into a tobacco cigarette or a marijuana joint and then unknowingly inhaled by the victim.

HOW CAN I TELL IF SOMEONE HAS SLIPPED ME A “SMOOFIE”?
It’s hard to tell, and that’s why this drug is so dangerous. Rohydra is tasteless and odorless. A tiny pinch of rohydra rolled into a joint of dank skunk bud is enough to knock Shaquille O’Neal on his ass for six hours.

IF THAT’S THE CASE, HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF FROM SMOKING A “SMOOFIE”?
My simple advice would be, “Roll your own.” Roll your own joints and smoke your own cigarettes. That’s the easiest anti-smoofie step you could take.

WHAT IF I ROLL MY OWN, BUT MY DEALER LACED MY 40-SACK WITH ROHYDRA BECAUSE HE’S BEEN ITCHIN’ TO GET IN MY PANTS?I hadn’t considered that. Really, I mean itthat’s a really good question.

ARE THERE ANY DANGEROUS SIDE-EFFECTS THAT RESULT FROM SMOKING A “SMOOFIE”?
Apart from getting raped, no. Rohydra actually provides a strong, pleasant buzz with little in the way of reported hangovers or adverse health effects. Smoked in high quantities, it induces ecstatic hallucinations and epic dreams in the user. It’s not addictive, and it’s impossible to overdose. The main drawback is that the shit is so good, it flattens you on your back pretty much instantly after you exhale the smoke, rendering it easier for people to rape you and stuff like that, which, as I pointed out earlier, is wrong.

HOW DO WE EDUCATE PEOPLE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF “SMOOFIES”?
I’ve started an ad campaign whose slogan is “Don’t Be GoofyDon’t Smoke a Smoofie!” We’ve been hitting a lot of local high schools with a life-sized costumed character called the Smoofasaurus, who lectures these teenaged kids, who are at their most impressionable, tender, and firm-bodied age, about the perils of smoofie-smoking.

HOW MANY RAPES HAVE OCCURRED FROM SMOOFIE-SMOKING?
The estimates range anywhere from a few dozen to over 100,000,000. We’ve just discovered the smoofie, so the data isn’t as precise as we’d like it to be. It’s too early to tell how many forced sexual penetrations this drug has enabled. It’s hard to get my finger firmly placed on exactly how many smoofie-rapes there have been. But I want to make it clear that even one smoofie-rape is too many.

WHERE CAN I BUY A“SMOOFIE”?
I don’t think that’s an appropriate question.