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I think I'm falling for my ex again...Help?!!

Me and my ex were together for 18 years--12 married..since I was 14 and he was 18...Over the years things got pretty bad between us..he became very controlling and verbally and mentally abusive..A lot of it had to do with the fact that I cheated on him when I was 17 before we were married, in which he didn't find out about it until we had been married for 7 years.. and he couldn't let it go..

With being pretty much confined to the house and work I began chatting online with this guy I met on an online game..and my ex found out about it ..so I ended the chatting...This basically added fuel to the fire...Even though I never cheated on my husband the whole time we were married, I basically blew the trust we had..things escalated and we ended up divorcing...
Awhile after we split I started talking to the guy online again and we ended up starting a relationship and had a baby together...and then I found out he was cheating on me for like 2 years...so we broke up..that was over a year ago..

Me and my exhusband have been divorced for over 4 years now, and recently I have seen a change in him...good changes..and I like it..I have changed a lot as well..We see each other a lot..he gets the kids (we have 4) every weekend and we are very open with visitation..He is a really great dad now.
I can feel myself falling for him again...which is shocking to me...We had an ugly divorce..and the love I felt for him was pretty much destroyed...I mean I will always care for him as the father of my kids...but it's different now...something more...and I don't know what to do...am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for failure again? I have had only the 2 longterm relationships my whole life..my exhusband and my exfiance...my exhusband was my first love... first everything...
I've spoken to him about this...and asked him if nothing else can we be friends..which after everything that has happened is a great step...he says he has thought about getting back together with me but realized that he may never be able to trust me...so we agreed to be friends...but what the hell am I suppose to do about these feelings that are growing more and more everyday? I don't know what to do...please help?
And please don't judge...please...

Take it slow. The best marriages require friendship. The trust will come back with the friendship, and well, both parties being worthy of the trust. Now that you know what it's like to be cheated on, hopefully you won't make the same mistakes you once made. Since you have talked to him about your feelings, and he has thought about getting back with you, he probably still has similar feelings for you, but is not ready, he doesn't want to set himself up for the hurt again. He's guarded. I think, with him, the more you push, the more guarded he will become. So take it slow, and show him he can trust your intentions, trust your faithfulness. You guys have a lot of history, hopefully you have a great future ahead of you, too.

It seems that u have a marriage worth saving and sometimes being friends IS a first step to building trust again. Tell him u are interested in regaining his trust and someday maybe being a couple again. Start slowly..like its a new relationship that u have to build trust out of..even with the history.

I dated my bestfriend..and he cheated and I cant trust him..but I love him and we're trying to regain the trust and love we had..its all about baby steps.

you dont have to be with him in order to prove anything to him, being friends and being CLOSE friends will prove to him that you want another chance but dont screw it up again and start chatting. i like the first comment about telling him how you want to at least give it another try by somehow proving you can build up trust. Go as far as seeing a counsler or giving him thoughtful gifts...from the kids lol.

just dont move too fast or become seemingly desperate, he will need time to realize you are serious

I know a girl who has a history a lot like yours. Before you think about getting together with him, you need to figure out why you don't want the one your with, when you have him. It's a pattern. I'm not trying to bash sweetie, but really look at that. Look at why you weren't happy with him. What is different now?
Tell him you now understand what it's like to be on the other end of the cheating and how much it hurts. Maybe that will help him learn to trust you again.
Good luck, and God bless.