more than a week since my last post. this week seemingly main busy with larger sized games, like "front line: fuel of war", and warez's download. i addict to warez, ie. pirate software, like 0day's release, has been a long time. the warez help me a lot when i worked for my previous job, heading design for a enterprise's cable TV branch. after left the job, i tried to keep with the daily float of pirate warez, but finally got up, for too time costing, as well as source of release in China mainly constrained within forums, which i disliked gradually, in the process of my own identity grows, till today's my web presence. u can google "benzrad" or "benzillar", my most frequent namespace, and the result will show u my cyberspace activities. i had told others many times, here i can again assert, Chinese like intimacy, while western citizen more cherish independent open relation. in general, Chinese have more dark view upon social relation, esp. the society, and indeed they behave morally inferior. that's the reason of its culture's fall in recent history. their native born belief turns darker and poorer than God in Christian. they far less respectable than a civilian of the western.

in the beginning i felt anxious about my access to warez, but i felt the open cyberspace should be the larger reality. and now i see the day. now i quite enjoy web hosted warez, like rapidshare, upload, and lots among the net disk, including demostic. i really glad to see my works in these years rewarding, one reason based on its opening and independence, like my sites and domain. i really proud of them.

this week i more times felt the leaving off my old family, and pending status i beset now. i hope i can left my baby son, warren zhu, after he takes elemental school, and sleeps on his own bed. these years, namely, has been 4 years, his parents mainly holding him aside on bed in night, except in 2006 when i lingered in the dormitory of QRRS, my once and long time employer, a state-owned enterprise, just after i fired for divorce with my baby's mother. i all time praying for a new life, for i think from the start the family of my baby's mother is evils, and never fit for me, far less my Royal in God's glory. my baby's mother let me leave my baby several days after his birth, and the evils family, all left to be female, never enjoy sun light and kept in dark from me, including its financial situation which they likely close-mouthed most. in these years, i never gave up finding myself a new life, a new home for my baby to let him enjoy which house he likes to stay. i also felt i deserve a better routine life, esp. better food and enjoyable life style.

these days i sometimes felt gloomy, esp when its indeed cloudy. i reviewed sometimes my depressed love on beauty, on spiritual knowledge, i felt God wouldn't let me equipped with such a subtle eyes and mind of beauty while don't let me enjoy it and hold in constant reach. i believe God forges me and my beloved, just a case of time in search.

these days i noticed a tall neaty girl walked alone the road of QRRS, my once and long time employer, in its rush time. she likely a new employee of the company. i like her temperament. she likely has a long legs, and slim figure. my heart pumps more air and pray more deeper when i saw her each time, and i at once connect her with my missing girl zhou, the love ignite my web search and beginning of most of my cyberspace presence. i pray God now let me reunite with my beloved, and shift my life span toward a new landscape.

yes, that's it, i wouldn't leak more on it. only God know why i put my hope in it. i live for my pray, for my hope, for my bliss from God, my dad.

3 days before the day i left my hometown, village Zhudajiu, where i lingered for 3 months,and lives here my baby's mother's home for 3 months. life quite regular between my office and baby's mother,emakingir's house. i routinely stay in office for 5 hours, from 8:30am to 2:30 pm. in office i rip off Internet access and had to find other things to kill time. first i used roommate's Internet access when he absent, but the demon with a born spying eye trying to bargain with me payment for the usage, so i now totally stay in office offline. mostly i can immersed in reading ebook, esp. biographies of scientists, or sorting my hard disk, enjoy the plenty of warez and ebooks got from web.anyone really love the web can't praise the boundlessness of evaluable resources, most of them can gain by download. that lesson exactly the American people, who enjoy booming of information explosion since the descending of Internet, teaches me, and leads me to deep faith in God's saint and meaningful.i learn God from US people and their well beings.

since the first day i rejoin the office life, i remind myself being idle in office can be a beneficial experience for my mission, for the road of God over China needs time to clear unclear and bias. and according to most Chinese living standard i shouldn't rely on the speediness and expedience of Internet on finger tip. and my threat to the China authority nowadays can't be hidden by the peace so far i enjoyed. so i decided to enjoy leisure of mind as well as bodily in office where most staff wasting the resourceful Internet, doing board games, reading novels, watching movies, or even fed up by turning away, all this kind of simpler and boring activities. i know a far larger and firmer world beyond the constrain i was set in this eccentric city of northeastern China i grew 19 years just to overcome it to see through all China territory and beyond the Pacific ocean. i know God let me stand firmly on my own feet, after pains and endurance of empty brain and tastelessness.

Its a sunny day, even sometimes flow over some clouds.last night it drizzled, after the bright sunset of yesterday. I felt surely i was baptized when i got up earlier and launched to setup auto posting on some sites of mine, after one of my account reported compromised.China surveillance capture my web traffic with a spying eye on my web confidential not for moments, but for years without break.i trust my words to God, just likes my mission here in the barren and scurry land since the fell of Ming Dynasty, whose Emperor bred me and my Royal of China again in progress.

this moment i saw the still green and yellow leaves of trees outside of my office. a even brighter future for China in my view. i belongs to God, my dad, and lives long, manly and energetic as the Son, source of saviour for livings on the earth. China lives, and only lives in God's bless, no other way to save itself. and a more cohesive world lives in love, brotherhood, and most of all, faith in God one.

OK, i bid a lot here about the right path. i praying every moment for my new life with my fiancees, my source of young, passion of life. i praying for gathering with my beloved, Masheng, Zhou, Taiwan girl, Lü, Jiangyue. i pray for my wedding with my girls, and my first house of my own, with my bride or brides. i deserved a new life now, with my tenderest.

Monday, September 14, 2009

baby just haunted outside with his grandma, while i busy with posting his recent paintings, as well as my recent photos.then his mother bathed him even there is a boy student receiving ema's tutorial here. i dislike ema don't pay attention to privacy but God shows me it doesn't matter.its a warm Autumn dusk, bright and dry sunshine through the window of our balcony cast a loveable and moving family peace in the house.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

2 months passed since my return from my hometown, Zhudajiu, Central China. i quite enjoyed the peace in office, even the place rampant abnormal persons, esp. dogs on desk facing&backing me.God just shown me i can't rest on harmony.i saw my works here preparing baby more enjoyable pc games rewarding.baby grows so smart that my only complain is that i too cozy to blog about my mission here on the earth.recently i just finished reading to Nash's biography.that remind me of baby can be idle in the infinite possibilities of his road on this planet. however, God let me more and more at sure that his arrangement the best arrangement.Sigh! God, i really enjoy my life!

It has been a series of bright sunny days, since the night i told baby his mission and the history of world as well as of China.it then lately in night, i summon my speech with this closure: the world to come surely under changing, its ur task to make the different. next morning it drizzled, so auspicious! i read in office, and left office earlier with a box of bottle water from the highest mountains in southwestern China, Tibet, dispatched by my once and long time employer, a state-owned enterprise. in the later afternoon after i read some time at home, it started to turn into brilliant sunshine.

so many moving moment in my life and my talk with God, with my second wife, Masheng, from Japan. i never be surer at this moment that me is the best blessed, and my life is the most glorious on the earth.

Ok, time to bit farewell now. i love my girls in praying for our gathering. i love my world to emerging.