Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I am frustrated that I can't explain to anyone what I am going through.

I am frustrated that I am unable to keep my house the way I like it to be.

I am frustrated that all the tests come back "normal" when the quality of my life is anything but.

I am frustrated that I can't just up and run away.

I am frustrated that family is so far away.

I am frustrated with the flies and not being able to use a Robo-can this year.

I am frustrated with the cost of medications that seem to be a band-aid to problems not addressing why the symptoms are there.

I am frustrated I am losing touch with my children.

I am frustrated that I am changing.

I am frustrated that people choose not to see or help.

I am frustrated that the smallest task leaves me incredibly tired and fatigued.

I am frustrated that I am trying and yet it seems worthless at this time.

I am frustrated that I can't fix it, just get over it or suck it up {all of which I was good at}.

I am frustrated we live so far from services and the toll it take to get places, physically and financially.

I am frustrated enough I have to get this out, instead of keeping it to myself, which I have been doing and making no sense of things.

I am frustrated that my body doesn't feel like it listens to me anymore.

I am frustrated at all this illness {even though no one can or will name it} has taken from me.

I am frustrated and scared and struggling my way through this.

I know this is usually the place where you might find the beauty and sparkles of everyday life. But my reality lately is all of the above. I haven't known how to approach it and haven't known how to write without mixing the two worlds. The truth is I need somewhere to write and get these things off my chest and if you choose not to accept this part of MY blog. Please just kindly skip this post and look next to time to check if there are rainbows and butterflies again.

Somehow life does go on in the midst of our darkness and we have to try and make sense of it before it drives us crazy. We don't have the support networks and help we could have if we lived in NZ, but the reality is we couldn't afford to live there with three young children. We are doing what we can to get on our feet here in Australia and unfortunately money does play a role in all of that.

The roads that we are heading down for help for my health is extremely costly for one. We are also blessed to have found a G.P who is doing all he can to point us in the right path for help - but he is only one man. We need more help than just him.

For now I have one word and that is frustrated. It covers so much of what I am feeling and thinking. If you don't like it, that is fine, you don't have to. I am the one who lives with the reality of this everyday and if I want to be frustrated by it, I think I have earned the right.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Thursday was Miss Em's birthday and I believe you can't have a birthday without a cake. As Em and Mr M are new to our little town, like us, they too don't have the usual special people to spend days like birthdays with.

SO....
I had a plan. A lovely BBQ dinner and a PINK(Em's favourite colour) birthday cake for dessert.

BUT .....
The BBQ was a little delayed to throw a spanner in the works, literally, thanks to the mechanic husband having to work late. Our house also has very poor air conditioning and I'm sure we managed to cook poor Mr M's brains while he had children climbing all over him and trying to entertaining him, as he was a man down; thanks to the stuck-at-work husband. Mr M ended up with a headache and looking rather pale.
In comes said delayed husband to save the BBQ day and Mr M from the crazed children who wanted to play with him like a new Christmas toy!!!

On to the BEST PARTS Miss Em came prepared with Plum pudding made by her super talented Nana. It was amazing! And custard.....
And THEN.....
The pink cake. I had a few helpers with the cake.

It is a Marble cake recipe by Women's Weekly {with a few extra special touches I have added}.

Beat butter, extract and sugar in medium bowl with electric mixer until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs, one at a time. Stir in sifted flour and milk, in two batches.

Divide mixture among three bowls; tint one mixture pink. Blend cocoa and extra milk in cup; stir into second mixture.

Drop alternate spoonfuls of mixture into tin.

5. Pull skewer backwards and forwards through cake mixture {I used a toothpick...}

6. Bake the cake about 1 hour. Stand in tine 5 minute; turn top-side up, onto wire rack to cool
7. Top with frosting once completely cool.Butter Frosting
Beat butter in small bowl with electric beaters until light and fluffy; beat in sifted icing sugar and milk, in two batches. Tint pink with colouring.

Jess Tips:1. Omit vanilla extract and add coconut essence to the WHITE bowl and Strawberry essence + pink food colouring to the PINK bowl.2. When making the icing put all ingredients in bowl together and beat until light and fluffy BUT also add strawberry essence.

NB: Cake can be stored for two days at room temp, in air tight container {if you can resist this long...} or frozen for two months.

Cake was enjoyed by all with two sets of candle lighting so that Jaybug and Squeak could both assist Miss Emily in blowing out the candles. Of which the only candle in the house was a greatbignumber 5.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

1. Read a book a month - starting with something I wouldn't usually read {Bear Grylls - Mud, Sweat and Tears. }2. Keep up-to-date with Project Life and post here {can't wait to start reading all the first posts in the coming week/s}.3. Craft more, get a regular craft day.4. Buy a new computer where the 'Y' key works - without me pressing it 20 times on average to get one Y!5. Visit my family in Perth and explore the other side.6. Reach my goal weight and maintain it.7. Buy a DSLR {Canon 600D I am eye is on you}8. Bake my way through a cookbook - I am thinking maybe Little Squares and Slices?9. Take a girls weekend away - good food, company and shopping!10. Do a fun run and enjoy it and run the whole thing.11. Have a regular market stall for my crafty.12. Complete the quilt for Jaybug and Squeak, that the fabric arrived for in December. {Of course I will blog}13. My Blog - Every year, every month, every day, I think about how to make this space more like me. So I will be embracing my blog. Making a few changes. Finding ways to say the things I have been to scared to say here. Post more. Live more. Enjoy more. Capture more.