Much as I hate to bring up MICHAEL JACKSON again, I was intrigued by sister LA TOYA's allegations that he was knocked off for his publishing assets. "Michael was murdered," she told News of the World. "And we don't think just one person was involved. Rather, it was a conspiracy of people. I feel it was all about money. Michael was worth well over a billion in music-publishing assets, and somebody killed him for that. He was worth more dead than alive." Paul McCartney, you murdering son of a bitch!

She's right about one thing, though: Mike's incredible posthumous chart domination gives credence to the idea that he's skyrocketed in value since his demise. And perhaps he's not even truly dead at all. "Considering all the good things Michael did on Earth for peace and love, I'm sure he is alive today on the Elohim's Eternal-Life Planet," said Rael, the leading philosophical mind of the totally sane Raelian movement. I'm not going to go into all the awesome stuff they believe; just read that quote again and you'll have it mostly figured out.

The legal troubles of KEVIN COGILL, the man who leaked some Chinese Democracy tracks on his blog ahead of the album's release, seem to be over. Although prosecutors sought jail time, Cogill has been let off with a warning and a bit of humiliation — he has to record an anti-piracy public-service announcement for the RIAA. Frankly, I think this man should have been protected under federal whistleblower laws for risking his neck to provide inside info regarding the album's impending shittiness.

The hilariously titled GUITAR HERO: AEROSMITH PRESENTS AEROSMITH tour has been fraught with problems of late — Aerosmith seem to be having quite a bit of trouble presenting Aerosmith. Early in the month, the band postponed three shows because of a Steven Tyler leg injury. Then a June 8 press release revealed that guitarist Brad Whitford would skip out on part of the tour as he "recuperates from recent surgery." Once he returned on July 15, he tagged out bassist Tom Hamilton, who'll sit out the next leg while he "recuperates from non-invasive surgery." At this point, their enfeebled geriatric bodies are deteriorating quicker than their artistic legitimacy — you know your time has come when the Rolling Stones are looking positively vigorous by comparison.

After a decade of fussin' and feudin', MASE and CAM'RON have set aside their differences to record a track together. It's kind of like the Nas/Jay-Z team-up, except that those guys managed to pull it off when a certain percentage of the world's population still gave a shit. I guess I still have a bit of affection for Cam'ron despite his pathetically declining career, but Mase? Mase? Still?

Getting a little sick of BRITNEY SPEARS as an archetypical trampy weirdo girl? In her upcoming video for the track "Radar," she'll be turning over a new leaf. "Let's show the classy side of Britney and focus on a classy experience," suggests the vid's director. MTV reports that "the new video centers on Britney being torn between two love interests: a rich guy and a polo player." News flash, you shut-in Hollywood idiots: polo players are rich guys.

RYAN SEACREST, the campy scaffolding that holds up that cheesy grin on American Idol, has made significantly more money than you over the past few years. He just negotiated a new contract, however, and now he'll be making way, way, way more money than you. If you're feeling a little bitter about this, please remember that he's obscenely rich because he's more talented than you, and because our culture values him more highly. There, doesn't that make you feel better?

Michael Jackson and his fears At the dead end of a decade when everyone was too discouraged to wonder if pop had a center, Michael Jackson's Off the Wall (1979) gathered up disillusioned factions of fans as confidently as it punted four singles into the Top 10.

Britney Spears and Michael Jackson fight it out Cue up track six on the new Britney (Jive) and prepare yourself for the Technicolor disco flash-back of the year, swooning string section, chunky Nile Rodgers guitar riff, and all. The song's called "Anticipating," and it captures the most famous 19-year-old girl in the world at her guileless, sentimental best.

The Wiz is alive in Boston For many years, people have been asking me, 'Quincy, what was your very first big assignment?' My answer now is, "THE WIZ." – Anytime you have 9 singing principals, 120 dancers, 6 sound technicians, 3 conductors, 4 contractors, 300 musicians, 105 singers, 9 orchestrators, 6 copyists, 5 music editors; you are talkin' big numbers.

Elvis Presley | From Elvis in Memphis Elvis Presley temporarily avoided the obvious (and, one could argue, tragic) destiny of a washed-up parody with The '68 Comeback Special , a TV show that lifted the retaining wall of nodding yes men and lucrative movie contracts to reveal a mythic force continuing to pulse.

THE BIG HURT: DIVING IN THE PR DUMPSTER | February 26, 2013 I've been dumpster diving in the PR bin, the rankest receptacle of music industry waste, and I've come up with a dripping fistful of the month's hottest garbage.

THE BIG HURT: LEANIN' WITH BIEBS | February 20, 2013 Bieber was allegedly photographed sipping something from a double Styrofoam cup, in close proximity to a big bottle of codeine cough syrup. This can only add up to one thing: lean . That purple drank, the laudanum of Screw, the deadly nectar of Pimp C.