A SOULS JOURNEY

Month: June 2017

Ok so victim is more of an archetype or part of the personality than an emotion, but it is one we are well versed at acting out.

As a society we are pretty quick to pass the buck, blame and divert and deflect from our own bullshit. We are pretty good at acting like life just happens to us and we have no control over the outcome. In the corporate world, in our personal lives, in how we treat the planet, in how we treat ourselves.

As I started to learn about the “victim” element that resides in ALL of us, I initially rejected it. That actually makes me lol. Because that exact rejection was me acting out the victim traits.

But I kept telling myself “I am allowed to be a victim” “I am a victim”. I have been sexually abused, emotionally abused, physically abused. I am allowed to act out the victim. To make me feel better about all the shit that has gone down, I need those around me to feel sorry for me and make it all better. But I continuously learnt the hard way. If you put all that power in others hands, you are in for a big fall my friends.

Stepping into personal development, growth and enlightenment takes courage. To truly look at your stuff and take ownership of your emotions, actions, thoughts, beliefs and perceptions is as brave as it gets. So no wonder stepping into this space triggers our inner victim left right and centre.

If we look at the victim they are often perceived as powerless, weak, scared, all blaming, possibly even deserving of the bad that has happened to them. But as with everything in this universe; you can not give rise to these elements without the equal and opposite elements residing within in you. Every single thing you see within you both “good” and “bad” has, in the right circumstances, the ability to be expressed and acted out. Really think about that. Polarity is in everything. Duality. So therefore in the empowered version of the victim qualities are powerful, strong, courageous, ownership of self and awareness of life lessons and universal patterns.

So how do you get perspective and see where you are acting out in the disempowered or shadow aspect of victim?

Expression: Watch how you are talking. Both internally and externally. Even in humour. The subconscious mind has no sense of humour. Here in Australia in particular it is common practice to joke about our perceived bad qualities, traits and misfortunes and thats ok too, but just check in occasionally and see how saying those things to yourself actually sits with how you want to feel in and about yourself. An example of this is I would say if I made a mistake “Lucky I am cute” meaning I am not smart. But as I have become aware of my over expressed victim,, I feel an internal reaction in my body when I say this, yelling “HEY! Im very smart thank you!”

Language: building on the last point watch the words you use. Common phrases “I can’t do that”, “I should do that”, “I am trying”, “I had to”, “they, he, she, made me feel…”. These are all statement that immediately give our power away. Rephrase this simply by just owing it. “I can’t” could be more that you actually haven’t tried, or you attempted it but feel you could do better next time, or you actually really don’t want to. Thats ok. But say it for what it is. “I should” – well says who? Do you want to for you? “I am trying” – this is an interesting one. It is good to have a go and try things but when you use this term as a means of justifying why you are in a place you are not comfortable, you’re actually not empowering yourself. Just say “I am taking this, this and this step to get to where I want to be”. “I had to” – simple. No you didn’t. We always have the power of choice. “They, he, she, made me feel…” no one can make you feel anything. You chose what emotions you allow yourself to attach to.

Actions: simple bodily responses will enable the victim. So stand with your back straight. Head up. Eye contact where appropriate. Take up your space in the room. Don’t shrink to make others feel comfortable. Just allow yourself to be as equally as important as everyone else on this planet. You are!

See the thing that got me about this stuff, was it actually made me angry. But they did this this and this and that is wrong! Well the flip side of that is who the fuck am I to decide what is wrong. It was wrong by me, but essential for both my and their journey. Therefore my power is in getting to now chose to no longer be around those people, places, situations or take on those emotions that don’t serve me.

You have this power within you too. I promise. Allow yourself to shine.

The world needs your glow. And always remember the over expressed victim has a right too. Don’t shame it. But empower it to be free so you can live in self power, love and peace.

Guilt is to the spirit, what pain is to the body ~ Elder David A. Bednar

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves for what we did or did not do ~ Peter McWilliams

Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death ~ Coco Chanel

Guilt is always hungry; don’t let it consume you ~ Terri Guillemets

Then there is the dictionary definition:

a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offence, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

To me, whilst they are all valid, they don’t give huge scope to identifying and shifting the feeling within.

Guilt for me has featured in many parts of my life, but none compare to the guilt we can put on ourselves as parents. When I decided to follow my heart and part ways with the father of my kids the guilt that followed was immense. Basically I wondered if I had completely screwed up these perfect little humans for life with my “selfish” choices.

But guilt comes in many forms and it doesn’t need to be a big scenario such as mine in order to trigger it. Guilt is either when you yourself feel you haven’t lived up to your own values and morals OR; that of someone you have allowed to have power over how you see yourself.

How many of us feel guilty for eating dessert? For flirting with that person at work? For drinking too much on a night out? For not making it to the kids assembly because you had to work? For accidentally sharing information about someone you weren’t supposed to? For saying not so nice things about others? For not helping those who have looked out for you? For living in a nice house when your friends and family may not? And so on and so on…

And that is just what we do to ourselves. What about the dynamics in which we allow others to project their ideals onto us and if we don’t live up to them we feel guilty for “letting them down” or “not making them proud” or whatever else they try and pull over you and you allow yourself to take on.

I know I have had to check myself as a mum when I have pulled the whole “You will do as I say – I went through 28 hours of labour for you!” bullshit. Or as a partner the more subtle “even though I have slaved away all day cooking and cleaning and looking after the kids – sure go out with your mates”. All along hoping the passive aggressive guilt trip will do the trick and he would indeed stay home and help. Not surprisingly, it never worked.

Although these types of dynamics can be tricky to navigate as always, the most powerful thing we can ever do to neutralise such a ‘dis-ease’ as guilt is to look to our own internal environment.

Our internal environment is all about layers. The lens or perception that we look at situations in our environment colours everything we do. Whether you are aware or not. If you are operating in fear you will consistently behave in reactive ways to stimuli instead of being thought out and responsive. Many of us know this, but boy-oh-boy when a strong low vibrational energy comes in such as guilt, how many of us sit in that energy. Think about it. Entertain it. Dissect it. Imagine different scenarios around it. And blame, shame and bash ourselves up for not doing better in the first place.

But that is ok. Because this space is the exact place of power. When you are guilting yourself for something; anything – start small – maybe having two pieces of cake at the birthday party, or forgetting to ask your friend how the first day at their new job was – STOP. And tell yourself this new truth.

Guilt is beneficial. That is right! It is not BAD. It is necessary. It is there to show you that the situation involved does not align to who you are. The purest form of you. Your soul. It is purely a little life lesson that instead of feeding with self- shaming behaviours and begging for forgiveness; you just simply need to acknowledge, show some compassion and take steps to alter the outcome in future similar situations.

Acknowledging your emotion of guilt for what it is, is beyond powerful. I have done a lot of work around this with my separation and subsequent unsuccessful romantic relationships. Yes I made mistakes but I am learning. We never stop learning and growing. And mostly I have learned to see guilt as an integral part of my own internal compass that is guiding me to lead the life I truly desire to live.

One of the toughest parts of learning to love ourselves in our entirety, is the complexity of self shaming. When we look outside of ourselves for validation or acknowledgment. When we look to society and our environment to dictate and mould how our lives should look. If we ourselves do not feel we measure up to these perceived ideals of our external environment, we tell ourselves there is something wrong with us. We tell ourselves we are not enough.

We all walk our own path. Have our own unique dynamics, experiences and lessons that help guide the lens in which we look at this world. In order to shift our perception from struggle, pain, fear and ego to light and love for all that is, we know that the first step to change is acknowledgement. This is well documented. Personal growth starts with owning your shit and the willingness to take action to change it.

However, often once we start to truly look into all parts of ourselves and what makes us tick we undoubtedly uncover deep parts within us that we don’t really like or want to own. These thoughts, beliefs, actions and emotions are equally a part of us as the cool, fun, shiny stuff we appreciate about ourselves; and behind the dark exterior, its power to propel us to the life we truly want is palpable.

So this week lets look into the emotion of JEALOUSY. This is a widely shamed emotion to express. Often called the root of all evil, a disease, a monster, a curse only experienced by those who have no self esteem. If you express jealousy, you are automatically seen as weak. It is almost a taboo emotion and one that triggers a huge amount of self shaming behaviours.

Unfortunately, the intensity is increased due to the double nature of the emotion in which we not only feel bad in ourselves for feeling that way but we are also harbouring negativity toward the person or situation we are in fact jealous of. Clearly, this results in one big cycle of negative energy and suppression.

As is my intention behind all that I do, I like to express something real. Something for you, the reader to connect to. To understand that I am speaking both from a place of knowledge and understanding. Something authentic and relatable. This week jealousy reared its intriguing head into my consciousness and I have had an interesting experience unpacking it.

This time it was amongst friends. Being the only single mum in the group and busy juggling all the things that I am choosing to do in this stage of my life, my social life has taken a bit of a back seat. And although I have chosen this, it did not help me rationalise why I was feeling left out and jealous when I did see my friends and I had no idea what most of the conversations were about. Plans were being made without me and group texts had differed to ones in which I was no longer included. As I was sitting at a dinner with them for the first time in a while and I wasn’t following any of the conversation, I began to feel that deep old emotion of jealousy rising up.

Now I would place bets that every single person reading this has experienced this feeling at one point or another. Some people feel it more often than others, and you know what? Thats ok!

The thing is, the friendships, careers and romantic partners we seek out as adults are not by chance. We are drawn to or repelled from personality types and people based on the dynamics we experienced in our childhood years. It is this intricately amazing life that our unconsciousness weaves for us so we can be presented with situations that can keep us “safe” in our patterns of old. Or, when you are ready to look at it like this, give us the opportunities to grow and heal any parts of ourselves that are not fulfilled.

Jealousy will surface in situations in which these old wounds are triggered. And lets be honest it actually makes you feel yuk. Inside and out. Its one of the lower vibrational emotions so it makes sense that it just brings you down. You and those around you. Its heavy.

So if you add to the heaviness with more self blame, shame, misdirected anger and projection you will inevitably only add to its weight.

The only way to lighten the load of a low vibrational energy is to show it the light. Shower in it. Be honest with yourself. If you feel it come up, be compassionate. Ultimately, it is a small child part of yourself expressing that they are feeling insecure. That they are not feeling enough. That they need to be loved. Not shamed and pushed down or away.

Find a safe place and EXPRESS IT. Let it out. In a healthy way. Not screaming or sulking. This will only make you feel worse again. In my situation I chose to express it directly to those involved and it has been a great experience for my growth journey. But you may chose a professional, a safe friend or family member or even just acknowledging it to yourself and show yourself some love.

It never ceases to amaze me how the intensity of these emotions lessens immediately once we allow ourselves the space to express it. Without judgment. Then show gratitude for what you do have and feed the things in your world that bring you joy.

Jealousy does not make you evil. It does not make you a monster. It doesn’t mean you are cursed. It doesn’t make you all darkness. It makes you a perfectly divine soul just living out your journey in this human experience. Just like the rest of us.