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Monday, May 9, 2011

Just 5 Minutes

During my drive home on Thursday with Shelby sitting in the back seat I cried – I had a nice release of emotions and Shelby didn’t realize it at all – thanks to my super big black sunglasses.

I have to say that any conversation regarding my Meme leaves me this way for a few days. Right now I am sorting through the guilt of being a granddaughter who has stopped visiting. It is my understanding that she is in a state to where she would not know if I am there or not – she has become a body with not much else happening – oh how that kills me to write. The state that I am in I would most likely fall to the floor sobbing and someone would have to remove me from the room. Either that over my over expending belling would lead my Meme into an even more confused state – since she believes I am about 14 years old.

I have heard – I think – that when someone with Alzheimer’s dies they have a period of clarity right before they pass – I may just be dreaming this or wishing because I would like to have five minutes. That is all I could think about on my way home was if I could have five minutes with my Meme where she would understand me and know who I was I would tell her so many things. The tears are flowing as I type this…just wanted you to know.

I would tell her about JAG. About his family and about how I feel he was given to me for a reason.

I would tell her about her only great granddaughter, Shelby, and how she has grown physically and mentally and how much she loves the Lord.

I guess most of all I would tell her that I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter, with another on the way. I live in a nice home with a huge backyard with mature trees that I can see from kitchen window – always my dream. How I am in a church family that I love and that I read my bible – she would be very happy to hear this. I would tell her that things are really really good, exactly what I have always wanted. I would tell her that all her praying paid off and I am finally where I am supposed to be.

Oh what I would do for those five minutes. URGH…thank you I needed that – balling again. I don’t think that this will ever get easier – this disease happening to this person has to be one the hardest things I have ever lived through. But as they say “what does not kill us makes us stronger” – said in my best Steal Magnolia’s accent.