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Escargot All Out

When you’re dashing to a lunch date with your feller and he texts you this picture:

…you know your lazy Sunday is about to get a whole lot more interesting.

The plan was to meet at The Lobster Place in Chelsea Market (home of The Food Network. No, really). We had intended to park at the raw bar for some uni – that’s sea urchin, to the UNI-nitiated (pun totally intended but possibly not worth it). It comes in a spiny, tassley bowl that looks like something Bob Mackie would design to keep Sonny Bono’s green M&Ms in backstage of The Sonny and Cher Show, if you can picture that. A dozen or so oysters later, my guy reminded me about the escargot.

These poor, former garden terrors had been stuffed with butter and parsley and the plan was to heat them in the toaster oven at home.

Look! That’s my very own feet! See, I totally did this at home – not even wearing shoes. I eat bugs right out of their own homes without even wearing protective footwear, that’s how hardcore I am.

After they cooked in their own juices (“Imagine…being cooked in your own juices.”), it was time to pry them out of their shells and drink their buttery graves muah hah hah hah hah!

When all the decadent carnage is done, you’re left with a pile of rather pretty shells, if I do say so myself. I happen to think air plants would be very happy in these! Or could we possibly donate them to homeless hermit crabs? I had the idea to make jewelry out of them, and wear it about gardens like cannibals wearing the bones of the men they’ve devoured but I think my idea of intimidating snails got voted down. What should I do with the shells instead?

If you’ve never tried escargot before, this is the way to go, I think. Ten minutes in the oven, and you can try it – once – at minimal risk! The only concern here is becoming addicted to them and having to go all the way down to Chelsea Market every week to get a dozen or so to get you through but hey, let’s not escar-GO crazy, here.