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Friday, November 11, 2011

The look on the faces of blueturfnation.com while reading my questions.

It's Friday and the folks over at blueturfnation.com have still not responded to my blog exchange questions I sent over there a couple nights ago. I mean, I know things move a little slower in Boise, ID, but you'd think 2 days is ample time to fire off responses to 5 pretty straightforward and simple questions, but then again, I don't know the rigors of working the night shift at 711 and then having to come home and tend to your potato crops to avoid going hungry this winter, so I'll cut them some slack. Also, I noticed that they didn't put my responses up on their blog yet, so either the internet is out this week up there, or, and this one is more likely, they think I'm a dick head who didn't take their questions seriously and tried to make a joke out of it.

Since they approached us by tickling our mailsack and asking for this blog exchange, I feel like I'd be cheating the readers if I didn't follow up and finish this thing off. I considered just posting my questions on here for the readers to look at, but I decided to take it a step further and answer them as if I were a Boise State blogger as well. Keep in mind that this may read like someone from Boise is trying to read and write and I'm not a complete idiot, so beware. Now here are the questions I supplied them, and unfortunately my own snarky responses to them. I'm sorry the real life Boise bloggers have no sense of humor.

1) Does the track in their stadium just make it look that way...or is it in fact the year 1987 in Boise, Idaho?

You mean most real colleges don't have a goofy looking track around their stadium anymore? It's way past 1987 up here though. I wear a Denver Broncos Starter Jacket and Umbros. People didn't wear that shit in '87. See, we was division 2 back in '87, so we just put the track on the football field so we could double up our track meets and our football game at the same time to save us time and money. We gotsa swimmin' hole inside our basketball gym too, so we can watch the swim meets and basketball games at 2 for the price of one! Shit, man, that's a better deal than 2 tacos for 99 cents at Jack n the Box. That reminds me- I gotta head to work now, but I'll get to the rest of them questions when I get my first smoke break.

2) Does that hideous blue field actually make an impact as far as home field advantage goes, or should the credit go to the thin air, which is no doubt a direct result of Kellen Moore mouth-breathing all of the air out of the stadium while on offense?

That blue field is magic. It's the prettiest thing in Idaho that ain't got 4 legs. Really though, we just couldn't get real grass to grow there and we couldn't afford the real fancy green fake grass your people down in Houston made, so we bought the cheap stuff, and it was blue. Looks real nice with our blue jerseys though.

I don't really think Kellen breathes up ALL the air when he takes the field, but it definitely helps. Don't make fun of the poor kid though. See, he's got this problem or disorder called "Chicklet Gum Buckteeth Syndrome", where his front 2 teeth basically look like 2 big white chicklets that take up a ton of space and it prevents him from being able to close his mouth...ever. He tried out a "breathe-right" strip one time in practice and it was like someone had attached a shop-vac to his face. He was sucking in so much air through his mouth and nose that his offensive line couldn't hold their balance when he was calling the snap count, so they canceled that idea and just told him to stick to his Eli Manning/Derek Holland dumb face mouth breathing ways.

3) Did Kyle Brotzman try to blame Dan Marino for not having the laces out? Also, do you think Brotzman has a closet full of Rose Bowl paraphernalia since we all know he had to be a big TCU fan after watching the Nevada game?

It's me again, your friendly TCU blogger SnK. I realize after sending this question that immediately it wasn't fair and would confuse the simple Boise fan. You see, the movie "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" has not yet been released up there, so they have no frame of reference for what I was referring to. I'm sure the Boise bloggers who read this are scouring their media guides to see if in fact Dan Marino actually played for Boise last year.

I don't know if Brotzman has any TCU Rose Bowl gear or not, but the guy at least deserved a kind thank you note and maybe a gift basket.4) What are the keys to the game for Boise, other than avoiding crucial field goals in late game situations?

None of this matters. We play on a blue field! Nobody can win games on a blue field except Boise! Have you seen it? It's blue. Our blog is called blueturfnation.com because we have blue turf. It's our identity. Not winning football games our graduating students (6% graduate in 4 years, 28% in 6. Ranked #614 by Forbes. Thank you, wikipedia), it's all about the blue field. So unless someone comes in and puts in normal grass, you guys don't stand a chance.

5) Do you think Kellen Moore can duplicate the early success that Andy Dalton has had in the NFL, or do you think he goes the way of other soft tossing lefties like David Greene or Josh Heupel? I see him taking the Heupel route and becoming an overweight offensive coordinator who eats his weight in potatoes while working for his alma mater.

Kellen Moore is the greatest QB to ever live. He's so great that Tim Tebow prays to him. He's way better than that Rose Bowl winning ginger y'all had. He would be 6-2 right now on any NFL team. Who cares how short, puny, and unathletic he is? It doesn't matter that he can't throw it 50 yards. Hell, I'd draft him over Andrew Luck. He the next Peyton Manning. No. He's a combination of Manning and Tom Brady, and of course Eli Manning because of the mouth-breathing.

Thanks again to the Boise blog blueturfnation.com for reaching out to touch our mailsack for a blog exchange and then failing to do your part. I realize you probably didn't know what you were getting yourselves into when approaching us, but it's good to see that it's still pretty obvious that very few up there have any semblance of a sense of humor. I mean, we should've seen this coming just based on how butt-hurt their fans got at our obvious satirical attempt to start potato boycott this week, but I thought it would be worth a shot. Oh well. At least by them not answering it gave me another chance to make as much fun of them as possible before Saturday afternoon's kickoff. Hopefully we are all still laughing by the end of that one...

12 comments:

Look, I dislike Boise as much as the next guy -- I think many of their fans are nutjobs and many of their players over the years have been cheap-shot punks.

But, I would have preferred it if you had handled this with a little more tact, since I think you're readers actually would have liked to know what the other team's biggest followers thought about Saturday.

I can get all the smart-ass I need when snk responds to my comments, thank you very much. You clearly left them no choice but to blow you off.

Did you not read the SDSU blog exchange as well, or any previous one's we've done, such as the Baylor stuff? Those were pretty much in jest both ways and they took it all in stride. If you really thought you were going to get insightful, serious questions and me slurping the greatness of Boise State for 5 questions then you haven't been paying attention. You're barking up the wrong tree if you wanted in-depth analysis and courtesy from me. I know football and TCU as well as the next guy, but that wasn't my intention here.

I'll work on that. Means a lot coming from the guy who once proclaimed Craig James to be an alright guy and thought beating up on MWC teams was better than moving up to the Big 12. I guess, then, you just need to be smarter.

I saw your questions on their blog yesterday right after your post on SB about them. They must have taken them down since you're so extreme (would you say you drink Mountain Dew daily?). They also had a disclaimer on the post saying it wasn't the opinion of their blog or BSU.

EdK i sometimes think that you are a hidden fan of one of our rivals. I think that article was mainly honest humor. Although snk was a little rude with some jokes about the boise way of life, it was definatley warranted. They suck, are annoying, and play on a blue field. F boise.

D.W. Becker is correct... I saw it up too. And since a)they didn't bother to even try and respond b) wouldn't even leave the SB responses on their site for more than a few hours and c) THEY INITIATED CONTACT, screw up. There is no need for tact. If they changed their mind, they should have just said something. Instead, they acted more like... well.. KillerFrogs.