Bill Donohue has a great idea on how to win the culture war: adopt-an-atheist! Oh, this guy is just a treat.

Approximately 80 percent of Americans are Christian, and 96 percent celebrate Christmas. Of the 20 percent who are not Christian, non-believers make up the largest segment, though the number of self-identified atheists is tiny.

If you want to get an idea of what the numbers actually look like, click here.

Perhaps more would identify as atheist if not for the social penalties imposed on atheists by callous believers like…Bill Donahue and his ilk. The problem isn’t that we’re ashamed, it’s that lots of religious people are assholes to atheists (see people being ostracized from their families and having life made difficult at work) and lots of non-believers don’t want to put up with it. Religion doesn’t win by playing fair or being more reasoned, not by a long shot. It wins by being the pushiest ideological bully. The unfortunate thing for the Catholic League (but the awesome thing for humanity) is that the non-believers have begun pushing back.

David Silverman, president of American Atheists, knows this to be true, which is why he is frantically trying to inflate his base.

Today we are launching our “Adopt An Atheist” campaign, the predicate of which is, “We want atheists to realize that there may be Christians in their community, even if those Christians don’t even know they are Christian.”

That makes absolutely no sense. There are lots of people who have admitted to themselves that the pretensions of religion are the intellectual equivalent of simian shit, but who still call themselves Christian and who still go to church (to avoid the social penalties mentioned above). Do you really think there’s people who think Jesus rose from the dead who just can’t bear to face the world with honesty on that front? I long for a world where those people feel sufficiently shamed, rather than entitled, on account of their gullibility, but we’re not there yet.

Here’s what our campaign entails. We are asking everyone to contact the American Atheist affiliate in his area [click here], letting them know of your interest in “adopting” one of them. All it takes is an e-mail. Let them know of your sincere interest in working with them to uncover their inner self. They may be resistant at first, but eventually they may come to understand that they were Christian all along.

That’s your plan? You’re going to help us find Jesus? Did you and your lackeys put the defense of pedophilic priests on hold and brainstorm all night to come up with that one? You know what?

Bring it.

Adopt an atheist. I think this is a delightful strategy. Do you know why religion is on the decline and atheism is in ascendance? Because your arguments and ideas are garbage, and more people are starting to speak up about it. Being an ideological bully isn’t enough anymore, and religious people are having to try and defend their position through argument – and they’re losing. By a lot.

Members of American Atheists are a self-selected group that’s more likely to be well-read on the subject and able to shred all the lame arguments for god and have an absolute ball doing it. Feed us. We want you to. It’ll save us the effort of going to you.

Hell, adopt me. Pretty please, adopt me! I have a Jesus-shaped hole in my heart like you would not believe! That thing’s big enough for the pope to crawl through. Send me an email and I’ll tell your minions where to find me and convert me.

If we hurry, these closeted Christians can celebrate Christmas like the rest of us.

I would sooner eat glass. You go plop yourself down in mass on December 25th for FSM-knows how many hours and give 10% of your income to a group that legally defends people who rape children.

I will be at home sharing gifts with my family, drinking egg nog, rocking out on the piano, building a snow man, playing board games with friends and being perfectly content with the fact that nobody has sold me on the idea that people rise from the dead, anything but celebrating Christmas like you. Your traditions suck, your institution is evil, and your ideas are moronic.

As an added bonus, they will no longer be looked upon as people who “believe in nothing…

At the very least, we believe that protecting child rapists is morally reprehensible.

Atheists believe in a lot of things. Personally, I’d put my stamp of approval on about 90% of the things on wikipedia. The problem is not that we believe in nothing, but that there are smug agents of misinformation spreading that idea around.

…stand for nothing…

We stand against dumb ideas (like people rising from the dead) and defending child rapists. We’ve at least got that going for us.

…and are good for nothing.

Ain’t that just adorable? The same guy who went apoplectic when a student failed to swallow a cracker thinks atheists are good for nothing. If nothing else, we’re good at trying to hold child rapists accountable, since the Catholic church has proved pretty lousy at policing their own. You should thank us.