Dimwitted Lily a specialist in love

The things I wonder about when I should be wondering about other things.

Like where is the water just before you turn on the tap? In the ground? Poised just above the spout? Somewhere between the two? Where exactly?

Or how do birds scratch their backs? Do worms get itchy?

So much stuff I should know, and berate myself for not knowing.

Okay itchy birds or worms, not so much, but some things I feel I should know more about.

And when I do find out about them, how can I retain that information?

See, I’m not always too hot at that either.

I’m really more of a big picture kind of guy. I can’t just look at something in isolation, I have to know where it fits in the grand scheme of things. And that’s usually where my thoughts end up.

For example, like most of us, I love autumn trees, especially forests, and the bronzed dapple of crispy leaves as you crackle through them, but I give out to myself for not being able to name more than maybe four varieties of tree.

Or leaf.

So I say to myself stuff like if you really love trees, then why don’t you know more about them?

Like if the kids ask me I should be able to furrow my learned brow as I point out that’s a chestnut leave, or no, no, I’d playfully tut-tut, it’s an oak.

Nonchalantly. You know, ask Dad, he knows.

But I guess I just don’t have that engineery, IT kind of mind. The kind of guy who can tell you where the water is just before you turn the tap … I’m just glad the water does come out. Screwed if it doesn’t …

I leave these things to the experts.

Like I have a cousin who is an expert in cardiac pathology. I have just looked her up on Google and as well as being a professor, the hospital she is attached to says shehas an “international reputation” in her field.

Now she is a lovely person with no airs or graces, and one time when I was asking her about her expertise, and struggling to follow, she just smiled, eventually, and told me she was a specialist, and that “specialists are just people who know an awful lot about something very small”.

So there you go, I could focus on one small thing and become an expert in it, but really my heart isn’t in it, unlike my cousin’s.

This kind of pointless pondering also gets me away, for a while, from trying to figure out important stuff, like how to keep my kids happy, or just how the hell are my wife and I supposed to turn the pair of them into half-way serviceable members of society?

And maintain what passes for our sanity as we do so.

Like we talked vaguely all summer long about going away on holiday, once I got my passport renewed.

Only it’s mid-November now and still no renewed passport.

I got as far as taking some awful passport photos, and made one visit to the police station to get them signed, only they didn’t have the forms I also needed, which were in the post office.

I went to the post office, it was closed. And I haven’t been back since.

So, the other day, I finally sat myself down and interrogated myself on the matter.

‘Why would I pay out thousands to fly off to some exotic place, thousands more for accommodation, day trips, taxis and what not just to have a public row with one of my teenage kids outside some heavenly tavern in some idyllic Tuscan village, which would completely put me off that delicious local goat’s cheese salad I had been drooling over, when I could just walk upstairs to my daughter’s room here in my own house, tap politely and ask her to Hoover her room?’

Have pretty much the same type of row, only for free?

Kids, eh?

Why is it that one minute one of our teenage charges can crack open my bruising heart with a smile, or swell my bursting pride beyond all measure with another small triumph on their ragged path to maturity – or just talk nicely to me – and the next crack open my mental fortitude and empty the last of my self-respect into the gutter, and ponder once again the futility of my very existence?

Certainly my existence as a parent.

Why, yet again, do I find myself turning away from another potential flash-point for fear my mouth will actually say what my shouldersand white-knuckled fists are already screaming silently even before I reach the door?

So away from all that and back to worrying about how to fully toilet train Lily, our dimwitted but, luckily for her, otherwise delightful young dog.

She’s about eight months old now, and we still haven’t properly cracked it aftertwo months.

She still often liquidises the floor with excitement before I can get her out the door to do her doggy business. And pees in fear when I admonish her …

After two months it can still happen that I can take for a long walk at night and she will not perform … and I arrive down in the morning to the kitchen to find that tell-tale glisten over by the back door …

She cannot be allowed upstairs, which is a shame as K was so looking forward to being able to cuddle her in bed last thing for a while, like O does with Bella. Every night. And it’s lovely.

Good job we love this adorable klutz of a dog.

Somewhere along her evolutionary journey Lily got shortchanged on the paws front, or long-changed on the body front; either way, the end product is sort of wonky.Long body, short, stumpy paws, and as awkward as terrier mix Bella is deft and dexterous.

Where Bella skips daintily onto the couch like a mountain goat, and darts sure-pawed along the back, Lily has been known to throw herself at the same settee and miss (yes, Douglas Adams, I know you know!)

Not quite miss but miscalculate her trajectory, and we hear the thump of her deep chest bouncing off the front of the chair and guffaw as she scrambles to remain upright as she hits the floor with a thump,and that deadpan Buster Keaton expression all the while on her gormless but beautiful mug.

But she loves me, and never, ever argues with me about anything. Not tap mechanics, not leaf composition, not parental competence.

Lily has something that is truly enviable.

She commits to affection as totally as she commits to eating, running … to being.

Now if we could only sort out her tap mechanics she would be just perfect.

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A newspaper sub-editor for many years, I am now a freelance sub-editor, blogger and content writer. Husband of one and house daddy of two: a feisty, style-crazy 14-year-old girl and a football nut of a boy aged 13. My website: endastories.com.

51 comments on “Dimwitted Lily a specialist in love”

We once had a dog that would pee on the floor to welcome us when we came home. We found out that her behavior is a thing. It’s called submissive urination. When we came home we had to open the door and allow her to go outside without greeting her or even making eye contact. Once we were outside, we could say “Hello” and as soon as we did, she peed – outside. She was a 120 pound Akita, a wonderful pet whom I miss dearly!

I wondered where that post was going for a minute! But I love it…the holiday thing. Omg we have the same conversation round-a-bout that drive me nuts. So far, kid 1 tells me she may do Camp America next summer so “I might come with you.’ Kid 2 questions if there will be stuff to DO on holiday. Hubbie wants to go skiing. I don’t. Why do we bother? Let’s just wait until you have all left home!! Ahhhh.
Anyway, Lily is tres cute! I’ve no advice on the pee front as Dottie dog was 4 months and has a bladder of steel! Haha. My mums dog still wees every time she sees me with excitement. Hoo hum! #globalblogging

Where is the water before you turn the tap on? Never thought of that before 🙂 I have a tendency to create a back story to everything, if I see a discarded jumper or trainer on the hard shoulder, I imagine who the owner was and how it go there! Very cute dog – good luck with the toilet raining #triumphanttales

I think Lily may be my doggy equivalent(except I am fully toilet trained) I try to give my all in most everything I do but it’s always clumsily not quite right …Much enthusiasm with a skewed outcome.Us types just have to hope those who love us find it an endearing trait rather than an irritating one #dreamteam

Kelly, I think you might be a bit more sophisticated than Lily … toilet training notwithstanding!!! Lilys whole being is utterly lovable but being greeted by pee on the floor and being dragged along rather than walking her is trying!! I’m sure your enthusiasm and love are very much on the endearing side.

Enda, our friends had a dog that was so excited to see everyone that she peed on everyone’s shoes! Really, people started feeling insulted if their shoes stayed dry, but it was only because she was empty! #DreamTeam

Empathise with nearly all of this including the dog stuff. Much like children they are frustrating and essential in equal measure. Love how you ramble in writing and in the woods. We now live in a forest and I have learned a few more trees. Always remember oak trees from a treasure hunt many moons ago. Your writing like a walk through Autumn leaves is very good for the soul. #BloggerClubUK and thanks for the comment on the 18th birthday blog post – I think you may be right and that takes a lot for me to accept.

I’m sure Lily will get there (without weeing) soon! She sounds like a sweetheart.
I love your thinking about all those questions we don’t really know the answers to. Birds can turn their heads and use their beaks to scratch in between their wings. Does that answer that one? Lovely post as always.

Lola and I would be completely smitten by Lily as we are both klutzy beings who fail to calculate where our bodies should land! Now we’re off to become technical experts in pizza roll consumption! #GlobalBlogging

Nuttin’ much, really … it’s grand … the sea, the local park? D’Vine restaurant good too. rest takeaways and reasonable pubs! Our kids teenagers and St Josephs Secondary School is very good. I’m not from here, moved here in 2007.

I just think you are brilliant, honestly do! Every time I read one of your posts I am like ‘this man has got serious talent’! Whether it is heartfelt or making me laugh you are so good at writing. Anyway thank you for linking up with us #ABloggingGoodTime, our 6 month old Golden Retriever cross Poodle is all legs, she is lanky and has no idea of her size as she bounds upon us, often sending my laptop flying, she too has not quite worked out how happy we are when she pees outdoors, one day!

Well … she is really cute and an endearing temperament — indoors!! Then outside, she is so frustrating: wants to get involved always with other dogs … and did I mention she is still resisting toilet training!!!