Chapter 10: Nothing but pain

I'm not having a good time here. Everywhere I look, there is nothing but pain. And tears. Lots of tears.

I never, ever imagined a life as the mother of a drug addict. Meth was a total unknown to me, until it moved into my house and took over my life as I've watched it destroy a child that I would gladly lay my life down for. Relationships corroded, friendships drifted away, both his and mine. I stopped going to Bible study when another member said the only way to stop drug use is for all the addicts to be rounded up and killed. Spoken like someone who does not have a loved one on drugs. But it really hurt my feelings. I've watched my son melt away to a skeletal weight with his clothes barely touching his body. I've hurt for his pain from abscessed teeth. I've heard comments about how much older he looks than his older siblings. I've grieved for the future he could have had. And I've longed for the closeness we used to share. Nothing but pain and disappointment.

I didn't know it was going to keep getting worse. I said in my last post that I don't trust CPS. I didn't call them, but somebody did.

Brother against brother, son against mother. Nobody talking. Battles erupting on every front. No longer fighting for my son, but for his. Now baby can't see his daddy, nor his mom. His cries are so heartbreaking. He doesn't understand why they aren't calling or coming to get him. The decision has been made that it is not in his best interest for me to see him right now either. He loves me. He wants to hang out with me. Although there are no court orders, we dare not cross the department and take him back to his parents because they have the power to move him to foster care, God forbid. I'm terrified of where this is headed. And I already knew our relationship was different, and he didn't care about me like he used to. Now HE HATES ME, and blames me for him not having his son. Just pain, pain, pain everywhere.

God have mercy on those I love. Make a way to unite us into a family again. Keep us all in your loving care. Amen