For those who don't (and didn't) have time to watch the presidential debate Wednesday (OCT)
night, here is a prepared transcript of what will be said:

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on
these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by
trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's
time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.

Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name
of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way
that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love
the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage,
the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants
to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other
hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they
can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs.Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to
pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify
problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying
with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I
want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike
my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic
were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able
to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy
and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would
present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I
have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're
going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.
I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of
poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian
War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to
Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If
I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal
knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an
ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who
can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?

Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to
every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a
single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens
can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal
employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to
do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm
going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to
reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.

Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I
will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning
the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no
one but Republicans.