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OPINION

Breaking news best by April 1, 2017

Woody Woodburn, Special to The Star
Published 6:06 a.m. PT March 31, 2017

Jordan Horowitz, producer of "La La Land," shows the envelope revealing "Moonlight" as the true winner of best picture at the Oscars on Sunday at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles. Presenter Warren Beatty and host Jimmy Kimmel look on from right.(Photo: ASSOCIATED PRESS)

HOLLYWOOD — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences today issued a press release announcing the embarrassing mistake that the wrong envelope was read announcing the winner for Best Motion Picture. The 1980 Oscar belatedly goes to “Raging Bull” instead of “Ordinary People.”

***

NEW YORK — In stunning medical news, more than 10,000 oncologists in the United States, and nearly 200,000 other health workers specializing in cancer treatment, filed for unemployment today after losing their jobs.

“It’s the most wonderful news imaginable,” one newly unemployed oncologist said. “We have wiped out cancer with a vaccine so there just isn’t any work for us anymore.”

***

WALL STREET — The New York Stock Exchange remains in a tizzy after Facebook stock tumbled for the fifth trading day in a row.

The drop coincides with a week where log-in use of Facebook fell 98 percent because, according to one analyst, “People have decided to go out and live their lives in the real world instead of through social media.”

***

CAMARILLO — It was announced today that Mike and Bob Bryan, the greatest tennis doubles team of all time, were accidentally switched at birth and that Mike is actually Bob and Bob is Mike.

Tennis fans continue to be unable to tell them apart.

***

EVERYTOWN, USA — Millions of Baby Boomers marched nationwide in protest of their own nagging complaints about millennials being overly coddled with an inflated sense of entitlement.

The protesters’ signs included: “Millennials Are Magnificent!”

“Our College Education Was Affordable — Sorry!”

“Millennials Rock at Volunteering!”

“What’s The Heck Is Snapchat?”

***

LAS VEGAS — City officials today sent a letter to the National Football League expressing buyer’s remorse.

“We feel the Raiders are too sinful even for Sin City and hereby withdraw our approval for the team to relocate here in 2020,” the letter reads in part. “However, we will happily build a new stadium for the Patriots.”

***

NEW YORK — National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that beginning with the 2017 season, the NFL will address its traumatic brain injury and concussion epidemic by having all players wear 1930s-era leather helmets without face masks.

“We feel this will stop the players from using their heads as weapons,” Goodell said.

***

THOUSAND OAKS — Amgen Inc. today announced second thoughts about opening a new facility in Tampa, Florida, a move that would affect approximately 500 current employees through layoffs, relocation and reassignment.

“The city of Thousand Oaks has been extremely good to us over the years,” a spokesperson said. “We feel a responsibility to return this loyalty to Ventura County and to our local employees who would be adversely affected by the Florida proposal.”

***

@realDonaldTrump — “This is my last tweet. Ever! Twitter is 4 losers! Tweeting is a bigly waste of time. So is golf. Time to get to work to KEEP America Great!”

***

SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND — The FDA, citing a series of recent scientific studies, today officially declared that chocolate chip cookies are a “super food” high in antioxidants as well as high in taste.

***

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Education today announced it will spend billions of dollars expanding a national curriculum in MAC — music, art and creative writing — and place an emphasis on attracting the brightest students.

COOPERSTOWN, NEW YORK — Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred today announced a new rule aimed at shortening game times. Beginning with the 2017 season openers, batters will get only two strikes and three balls.

“A 2-1 count is the new 3-2,” Manfred noted.

***

NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board today announced a surprise award honoring Woody Woodburn.

A board member explained, “Woodburn is not as good a writer as he should be; he’s not as good as he wants to be; but thank goodness at least he’s better than he used to be.”

Woody Woodburn’s email address is WoodyWriter@gmail.com. His new book, “Strawberries in Wintertime: Essays on Life, Love and Laughter,” is available at www.WoodyWoodburn.com.