Online affair may fullfill emotional needs not met in marriage

Jim MayMidland Reporter-Telegram

Published 6:00 pm, Saturday, February 12, 2011

DEAR FAMILY: We recently found out our married son had been carrying on some kind of affair with a woman he met on the internet. He hasn't actually told us much about it, but his wife gave me an earful. It seems he was on the computer from the time he came home in the evening until late at night, after she went to bed. She became suspicious when he started hiding his cell phone and wouldn't let her see it or tell her who he was talking to.

She finally looked at his cell phone when he was taking a shower and saw some text messages that apparently left little to the imagination. I stopped her from telling me what they said; I'll take her word for it that they were not appropriate. Then she took his laptop to someone who was able to somehow see what he and this woman had been talking about on the computer. She offered to give me all the details but I declined. When she confronted him our son he denied it at first, but then confessed after she showed him the evidence. She said he was very sorry and ashamed of what he had done. They have been going to their minister for counseling and she said that was going well.

We're not really sure why she decided to share all this with us because our son hasn't said much about it and we haven't asked. Our question is how can this happen to a college-educated, successful, respected businessman who is active in the community and his church? We just don't get why he would risk his family and his reputation for a relationship with someone he met on the internet. We don't have anyone else to ask about this. — SURPRISED PARENTS

DEAR SURPRISED: The internet has opened up the entire world to us for many positive activities. It also has brought the potential for many negative activities, too, such as inviting anyone and everyone into our homes. Otherwise perfectly reasonable, responsible, upstanding people like your son who never would consider meeting someone for a relationship outside of marriage can do it easily and anonymously on the internet. Something unimaginable suddenly is accomplished all too easily; what starts out innocently — "just chatting" — can turn into something far more involved and even exciting. A person can have an affair without sexual contact, as verbal or emotional infidelity also violates trust.

Mary Ann Eastman makes the following observation that does help somewhat explain the "why" of internet relationships:

According to statistics, 54 percent of men, and 28 percent of women feel intense internet relationships were not cheating. The definition of cheating then, is left loosely to one's interpretation.

You could look at an internet affair as a kind of emotional romantic bond formed between the two people. This usually occurs through regular and eventually intimate conversations over the internet and maybe later over the telephone.

She goes on to note:

The reason for emotional infidelity is not primarily sex. People just want to feel special, and if they don't find it at home, they may turn to the internet to fulfill their need. Discovering emotional support on the internet is easy and the risks are minimal. Here they find the love, respect, attention and intimacy they lack in their current relationship.

An internet affair can create an alternate reality wherein people can get that sense of "special."

I would encourage you to encourage your daughter-in-law and — if you have the opportunity — your son to continue in counseling. They can learn how to create that specialness in their marriage — and it is worth it.