·Rock
stars have stopped dressing like cowboys on their album covers. Is this
because they realize that rock and roll is no longer really an act of youthful
rebellion?

·In the
year 2033: Mother: Why don't you go into business like your father, and join a rock
band? Son: Oh mom!

·There
needs to be a cultural Nuremberg trial, trying bands like Limp Bizkit and Red
Hot Chili Peppers on the grounds of cultural crimes against humanity. (Funny to
think of Flea or Fred Durst as being like Mengle. Boys from Brazil would
instead be Dudes from Los Angeles.)

Rock notes

Rock historians made an unsettling discovery
today: evidence that The Beatles, famous for spreading messages of love and
peace, might have harbored Nazi sympathies. Among the demos found in the EMI
vaults:
"I, Me, Mein (Kampf)"

Cat Power? More like Cat Enervation

Can someone please explain? It's like she took
Velvet Underground's "Pale Blue Eyes" as a template, but then
stripped it down even further and made it even more depressing. (Of
course, the Velvets would have hated this shit if they'd been contemporaries,
as they hated all subpar folk music.) Therapy music, scared little girl rock,
thorazine-drip music. Music for navel-gazing mulleted girls preoccupied with
themselves ("hello thin boy, watch me finger paint in the corner of my
room"), and for the hipster guys who want to love them. It has to
be a put-on, right, some art prank? Why would a magazine like New
Yorker would be profiling music of such limited emotional range as this?

Coco Rosie

Once upon a time, there were two little girls
named Coco and Rosie. Coco and Rosie had a big sister named Bjork, whom they
loved very, very much. In fact, they loved her so much they wanted to be just
like her. They loved to play dress up, finger paint, and create make
believe sounds just like their big sister. “One day, when we are big and tall,
just like our sister Bjork, we will make pretty sounds, too, and conquer the
world, too” they said.

But then something sad happened.

Before Coco and Rosie were fully grown up, they started recording and releasing
their make believe, made-up magical sounds. While they meant well, these sounds
just weren’t mature. In fact, they resembled the childish, ill-formed squiggly
lines that a pre-schooler might draw. Coco and Rosie were so impatient to be
just like their big sister Bjork that they ignored this fact.

And so, Coco and Rosie embarrassed their mother, their father, and most
importantly, their beloved big sister Bjork by releasing a series of
ill-advised, immature, self-indulgent, art-school dribblings into the world,
bringing shame upon their family, and upon the entire freak-folk fairy genre.

The Problem with Bowie

Despite his overall awesomeness, has anyone
noticed that David Bowie cannot really rock out? Take for example his numerous
covers of VU’s “White Light, White Heat” VU’s fuzz-laden slab of overdriven
proto-art punk becomes a kind of sped-up Rockette’s chorus line number in Bowie’s
hands, as if he, Mick Ronson, and the Spiders are all kicking in sync with one
another onstage. He’s probably self-conscious, stylized, and comes at rock more
from a theater/acting angle.

The Oval Officers

Obama is so cool. He and Bill Clinton should form a band.
They could call themselves The Oval Officers. Jimmy Carter could be their
manager.Then Bill could leave the band,
form his own splinter group, and call it The Ovary Officers. "No Fly
Zone" would be their big hit.Sample lyric: "Gurl, I gotsta be the
secretary of your interior"

ZoeDeschanel

·I heard
she divorced the guy from Modest Mouse/ Death Cab for Cutie and is now engaged
to all of Weezer.

Just think, reverent
rock fans can gaze upon the sandwich that did Mama Cass in, the vomit that
choked Jimmy Hendrix, the bullets extracted from John Lennon's
torso, the twisted hulk of taxi wherein Eddie Cochran
knew his final moments, the charred shell of Buddy Holly's plane, the
syringe that hastened Sid Vicious' demise, a full-size replica of the
swimming pool where Brian Jones drowned, ditto for Jim Morrison's bathtub, the
flight recorder from Patsy Cline's plane, a brief rundown of the
various medications and Ben & Jerry's flavors Jerry
Garcia was scarfing upon time of death, Nico's bicycle, Kurt Cobain's
shotgun, Elvis' toilet, Klaus Nomi's semen sample, etc. etc... Which
hippie sandwich shop will institute the Mama Cass sandwich;
a triple layered pastrami-bologna-sardine-anchovy
melt on toasted rye that’s a real Bumsteadian throat-buster, really
absolute hell trying to get down; clings and scrapes the roof of the mouth
and loves to lodge in the windpipe.

Fun with Song Titles

I Left My Spleen in San Francisco
Wishing and Hoping and Prognosticating
Me and You and a Racist Named Boo
Under the Boardwalk, Smokin' a Spliff
Dweezil's Ripped My Flesh
Cletus in Furs

Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Goiter

Some Rock and Roll Commandments

#1: thou shalt not use
a synthesizer to mimic a horn section
#2: thou shalt not include a faux-Rastafarian rap during the break of a hybrid
rock/reggae song
#3: thou shalt not mix the drums and bass and the guitars and vocals into
diametrically opposing channels
#4: thou shalt not put drum machines and British musicians in the same room
#5: thou shalt not give white undergrads 4-tracks
#6 thou shalt not include a harmonica solo in a protest song if thou canst not
play said instrument

#7 thou shall not try to sing like they freak-folk
herald angel, Bjork

2.Fred plans to rob a liquor store. He has two
choices-either he can use his .38 special or Frito’s .9mm Beretta. His .38 has
only 6 shots, but uses hollow tipped shells, which have a 68% fatality
rate.

On the other hand, Frito’s .9mm Beretta holds 14
shots, but only has a 42% fatality rate, as well as an 11% chance of jamming.
There are two employees at the store, and Fred guesses there is 33% chance they
are armed. Additionally, if Frito finds out Fred’s used his Beretta, there’s a
27% chance Frito will inflict bodily harm upon Fred in addition to administering
verbal abuse.

In the
event of a shootout, which weapon should he choose? (Note- He cannot choose
both, since he must carry the cash in one hand. Nor does he have time to
reload. Also, he must go it alone, as his usual partner was shot to death
last month.)