Frank commentary from an unretired call girl

Friday the Thirteenth Again

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today is the first Friday the 13th in fourteen months, and since I’ve picked up quite a few readers since July of 2012 a number of you are probably wondering what that has to do with anything. Well, it’s just this: from soon after the beginning of this blog, I’ve asked those of you who aren’t sex workers yourselves to speak up for our rights on this day. The gay rights movement didn’t really take off until the friends and families of gay people got involved, and it’s the same for us; since only about 1% of Western women ever formally work as whores, we’re going to need a lot of help to make our voices heard. We need all the sex workers (such as strippers, dominatrices and porn actresses) whose fields aren’t currently criminalized, and the sugar babies and other women who have informally or indirectly taken money for sex at least once (which might be as high as 10% of all women). We need all of the men who hire us at least occasionally, which comes to about 20% of the adult male population. We need all of the women who recognize that cops can’t tell the difference between professionals and amateurs, and that laws which can be used to arrest us will also work to arrest you. We need all of those who love porn, polyamory, BDSM or kink, because even though policing of sex usually starts with harlots, it never stops with us. We need all of the public health and human rights experts who understand the necessity of decriminalization in light of their respective fields, all of the libertarians who recognize that governmental prohibition of consensual behavior is both indefensible and dangerous to individual liberty, and all of the feminists who recognize that a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own sexual and economic choices is the primary feminist issue. And we need all of the decent human beings who don’t fall into any of those categories, but are simply disgusted by the idea of armed thugs arresting, humiliating and ruining people for the “crime” of consensual sex.

I understand that many of you, especially the men, are not in a position of being able to speak out publicly without suffering some sort of censure or risking the hostility of wives, girlfriends and female co-workers. But fortunately, we live in an age where it’s easy to speak anonymously:

…talk about the issue with someone who will listen, make a post on a discussion board, comment on a news story which spreads disinformation, or even just post a link to this column. If you aren’t confident in your ability to debate, even a simple phrase like “I think adult women should have the right to decide why and with whom they want to have sex” or “everyone has the right to equal protection under the law” might have a tiny but important impact on those who overhear.

If you’re in a position to speak or write but you’re at a loss for strategy, my last Friday the 13th column had some useful suggestions that might inspire you. And if you have a blog of your own, I’m asking you pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top to try; even just a short post would help to amplify the message. Last year, Dr. Sarah and Amazing Susan heeded the call, and this year I’m hoping for a veritable crowd; whenever one of y’all posts, be sure to email me or announce it in a comment so I can share the link on Twitter. And don’t worry if you can’t get the post done until later today: every single post y’all make today will be announced and linked in my next Friday the 13th column, only three months down the road on December 13th. And yes, reblogs of this column are acceptable, and will get your name on the honor roll come December. It’s time we let the prohibitionists know that if they want to pick on sex workers, we have a whole lot of brothers and sisters they’re going to have to face as well.

54 Responses

Reblogged this on Eve's Temptations and commented:
It is Friday 13th and I am reblogging this by the wonderful Maggie McNeill, a woman whose intellect and erudition leave me in awe. Readers of my blog already know that my partner and I have been clients of sex workers and that one of my friends is a professional dominatrix. I also have a number of online sex worker friends. My message is that I support you in your struggle. I may not be able to do much beyond ranting on my blog, I may be a cheerleader on the touchline rather than a player engaged in the thick of the battle but I am with you. Always.

Dear Maggie I LUV your site and your daily rants so damn much you went straight to my blogroll the first time I read you. I am an ex street ho (5yrs 2001-2006 on rock bay and gov’t streets in Victoria BC) and have spent the last year as an escort/erotic masseuse. My days on the street were drug fuelled and horrendous (lol just realized the pun whorendous I suppose) accepting money daily to get molested and then poisoning myself with it. I’m also schizo affective so it really was pure hell. For 4 years after I healed while in a monotonous relationship but when we amicably broke up I realized that I needed to go back and do it right. Fast forward 2 years and I am an adult product reviewer happier than ever with strong boundaries using my past as strength and experience and skill – totally empowered and loving helping people find the right products (many of which I use with my clients) Eventually I would like to own a toyshop/sexuality based workshop space as well as possibly a feminist escort agency catering to all genders but until then my website is where I spend most of my time which I have the luxury of doing since my day job I mean my hour job lol pays so well . It’s called sexualitysanctuary – I hope you check it out. I have just installed buddy press and bb press because I want to begin a community of sex workers (all levels) that can have a safe place to share their stories tips and art/writing/photos/links I know that it will take a year or so to grow but I sincerely hope that you will join us in ‘tales from the trade’ create a group, start a forum or post anything you want!!! Thanx again Thanx! XO Julie (Sangsara)

I plan on writing a prayer to Mary Magdalene that I am sure will piss off many of my fellow Catholics. Until then, this post will have to do. It may be a drop in the ocean, but as David Mitchell writes in Cloud Atlas,

My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops?

Especially comparing “acceptable” professions where physical attributes are ALLOWED to be used – to prostitution – where they aren’t allowed to be used.

An escort uses her physical presence to attract and control men. As a bouncer – I use my physical presence to deter men and I control them through intimidation.

An escort has her blow job skill … I have a left hook.

A guy pays a hooker to make him feel good – the bar owner pays me to keep things secure so he makes more money.

And we’re both woefully misunderstood … because hookers don’t just fuck and bouncers don’t just fight. In fact … there’s a heavy mental component to both occupations even though they are understood to be primarily physical occupations. The best bouncers are not the ones who crack heads – but the ones who can negotiate their way out of physical altercations while still firmly maintaining order – that’s really the most valuable skill a bouncer can have. Hookers have to have a brain because a lot of the “date” is talking – with all kinds of men who are versed on a universe of subjects.

I’m right on that right? Most dates with a prostitute consist more of talking than having sex, correct? Uhm … that’s the way it is with me anyway. 😛

I would imagine that people in relationships with sex workers, or even former sex workers, would want to be careful in their advocacy. (Which I imagine can be difficult. Discussions on this topic can get rather heated, and people often blurt things out when they are angry that they wish they could take back.) Mainly because as bad as it is to accidentally out yourself, accidentally ruining the life of a loved one would be almost too much to bear.

That doesn’t mean you can’t advocate, of course. Just means that you have to be vague about where you get your information. Well, that’s my opinion on the topic, anyhow.

Would your wife leave you if she knew you paid for sex a time or two BEFORE you even met her? I don’t buy this stuff that guys can’t talk about it because they might “out” themselves. Talk about it in past tense – as if it’s something you wouldn’t dream of doing now.

Me? I’m more embarrassed to admit that I’ve jerked off … oh probably a million times in my life … than I am to admit that I visited a call girl or two long ago.

And … speaking of “bashing the mushroom” … that’s another counter arguement to the “Only losers pay for sex” meme. If that’s true – aren’t serial masturbators (which includes just about every man on the planet) losers too? I mean – if that’s the only way you can get sexual satisfaction and no girl is interested in you … then you must be a loser if you whip it right? I mean, it must mean you can’t even PAY a girl to do it for you!! LOL

[…] Reblogging this post by Maggie McNeill and joining with her in asking all those who support the fight for sex workers rights to write their own pieces, or reblog this one, linking back to the original. […]

[…] writer and an advocate for the rights and interests and autonomy of sex workers, asks people to write about the decriminalization of prostitution. I'm not writing a post arguing the case for the decriminalization of prostitution today. That's a […]

[…] lived experience – and listening to people who are currently working in the industry. She has called on allies of sex workers to show their support on Friday 13th. As Maggie eloquently says on her […]

Reblogged this on Her Hands, My Hands and commented:
Because I want my daughter and all the children to come to live in a world where their choices are truly theirs. Because I hate knowing that people are considered criminals for exercising sovereignty over their own bodies. Because morality is often an excuse for cruelty and hatred.

Great post, great idea; I hope that it gathers some serious momentum. As I also suggested in your Cliterati post (5).

But, apropos of which and to add my shoulder to that wheel, I will cheerfully and readily, although still somewhat semi-anonymously, admit to having hired more than a few sex workers over a not inconsiderable period of time, and have generally appreciated the services rendered – and which frequently extended to rather more than the typical “wham, bam, thank you m’am”. Something which, from the evidence, seems if not the rule then certainly more than an infrequent exception. For instance, there was this story in Macleans magazine (1) several years ago about a woman who became:

… New York’s number 1 escort — a hooker who commanded up to US$2,000 an hour, and received 10-out-of-10 ratings from the politicos, captains of industry and pro athletes who used her services

And that seems to have been predicated on something quite a bit more than her talents in bed:

“They were coming to me looking for a vacation, a little break from their lives,” she told Maclean’s. “I think I made them happy.” ….. “The guys were really nice, they treated me well. We’d talk a lot about their lives.” Drawing on her training as an actress, she immersed herself in the new role. “I was always there and present. I didn’t separate or detach myself.”

While there seems to be, as in many situations, a spectrum of reasons why men, primarily, hire escorts, it seems that making connections of more than just the physical variety motivates many “Johns” at least some of the times. It seems also that not all of us are particularly enamored with all of the tradeoffs required in traditional relationships, or are otherwise interested in or have access to them, but still have a non-trivial if infrequent need for some of the, admittedly limited, intimacies afforded by the “neighborhood professionals”. My hat is off to all – or most all – in the profession as I met very few who would qualify as “dishonest courtesans” – 😉 .

But as I’ve argued elsewhere (2):

Ethically, it seems that, as several have argued, as long as there is no particularly odious levels of coercion and that there are adequate alternatives and protections, [prostitution] is no worse or no better than being, for example, a tennis pro. Really only a quid pro quo, something we all do.

Unfortunate though, to put it mildly, that society’s attitudes towards the profession tends to make it about 7 times more dangerous, in terms of homicides per capita, than the next more dangerous one, male taxicab drivers (3). While changing the laws to make it legal would probably improve that substantially, in the interim various actual and potential technological solutions, one of which I’ve suggested here (4), may at least reduce that danger.

I agree with Margo St. James: women will never have control over their own bodies (let alone equality IMHO) until all sex work, including prostitution, has been decriminalized. It may require some regulation (sorry Maggie); after all, we don’t want streetwalkers plying their trade in front of a school, which if people were angels would be a no-brainer, but some people are too lazy and stupid to come in out of the rain, let alone think about the consequences for others of where they ply their trade.
In my salad days, I engaged the services of a few pros: some were great, some were so-so, only one was disappointing. If that makes any difference in how you think of me, that is your problem, not mine.

Reblogged this on CrackerJacks and commented:
Former escort, call girl, madam, and prostitute turned blogger and whores’ rights activist Maggie McNeill (otherwise known as The Honest Courtesan), and I disagree on many subjects. But we are united in the belief that there is no shame in freely choosing to express one’s sexuality in the manner one wishes, and that includes getting paid for it, if that is one’s choice. Every Friday the thirteenth, Maggie asks those who believe in “working girls'” rights to make their voices heard. Today is Friday the thirteenth and I’m making my voice heard.

I love your site but sometimes I have to refrain from reading it because I get so angry when you write about the lies and slander made by bigots, busybodies, and the mainstream media. I wish sex workers in general, would become more organized and make themselves more visible. The sex workers in India are highly organized and as a result, they are less vulnerable to attacks by the bigots and busybodies.

[…] except as an introductory point about why I am writing about this topic today. Maggie asks every Friday the 13th that people who support decriminalization of sex work to publicly acknowledge that position, so […]

I was just adding it to the list for my next column! Incidentally, I noticed your second commenter repeating several myths we’ve debunked here repeatedly; you might point her to the columns where I do that, especially “The Source“, “A Tale That Grew in the Telling“, “Amazingly Stupid Statements” and “Sales Pitch“. She won’t listen because she’s a True Believer, but others will see your response.

I have never sought out the services of a sex worker, but I have ventured in a men’s club a time or two, and looked at an erotic image at one time or another in my life. I argue your right to be a sex worker from a constitutional point, Article 3, section 2 ; There must be a case or a controversy before you can have legal standing in court, meaning there must be an injured party who can clearly trace your action to an injury, and it can not be hypothetical.

[…] since only about 1% of Western women ever formally work as whores, we’re going to need a lot of help to make our voices heard. We need all the sex workers (such as strippers, dominatrices and porn actresses) whose fields aren’t currently criminalized, and the sugar babies and other women who have informally or indirectly taken money for sex at least once (which might be as high as 10% of all women). We need all of the men who hire us at least occasionally, which comes to about 20% of the adult male population. We need all of the women who recognize that cops can’t tell the difference between professionals and amateurs, and that laws which can be used to arrest us will also work to arrest you. We need all of those who love porn, polyamory, BDSM or kink, because even though policing of sex usually starts with harlots, it never stops with us. We need all of the public health and human rights experts who understand the necessity of decriminalization in light of their respective fields, all of the libertarians who recognize that governmental prohibition of consensual behavior is both indefensible and dangerous to individual liberty, and all of the feminists who recognize that a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own sexual and economic choices is the primary feminist issue. And we need all of the decent human beings who don’t fall into any of those categories, but are simply disgusted by the idea of armed thugs arresting, humiliating and ruining people for the “crime” of consensual sex. […]

Re-blogged on http://rhondassissyblog.blogspot.com/.
Thank you for this wonderful blog and for permission to re-blog. We are here on this planet to be of service, whatever that may be. No work is more important than any other work. All work and all workers deserve to be treated with honor, dignity and respect.

Obviously I didn’t get this read on the 13th of September. But! I now have my desktop agent back, and I will have her remind me in December, so that no matter how behind I am (perhaps I’ll be ready to tackle that notorious wildcat, the Links) I will know to say something, somewhere.

Of course, I try not to lose an opportunity to set people straight, Friday or not, 13 or any other number. But I’ll be reminded to start that conversation myself, somewhere, on Friday, December 13th, 2013 (which just happens to be my mother’s 67th birthday).

Reblogged this on Steph Guthrie and commented:
The Harper government’s horrifying, draconian sex work legislation will result in violence and death for countless sex workers. It cannot pass, and in order for us to stop it, we need to scream about it. All of us. Please read and share.

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All original content on this website (i.e. all of my columns, pages and anything else which I write myself) is protected under international copyright law as of the time it is posted; though you may link to it as you please or quote passages (as long as you attribute the quote to me), please do not reproduce whole columns without my express written permission. In other words, you have to say "pretty please with sugar on top" first, and then wait for me to say "okey-dokey".