Skulduggery: I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.

Most scenes involving Billy-Ray Sanguine.

After a fight, Sanguine disappears into the ground. Thinking he's gone, Tanith insults him, only to have him pop back up again. There's a bit of Witty Banter between Valkyrie, Tanith, and Sanguine, and then we get this:

Sanguine: When you have served your purpose, I swear to you I'm gonna kill you for free.

Clarabelle's job interview with Doctor Nye somehow manages to be a Crowning Moment of Funny and Nightmare Fuel at the same time.

Clarabelle: I have no medical or scientific training to speak of, and no inclination to learn, and I pick things up fairly slowly because of my short attention span. Nye: But...? Clarabelle: But what? Nye: I'm waiting for you to list your good qualities now. Clarabelle: Those were my good qualities.

Valkyrie: So, if that had been our code, and Dragonclaw had told you that all we have to do is pull a lever, how would you have worked the sparrow flies south for winter into the conversation?

Skulduggery: I would have said Ok, Bison, so you're sure we only need to pull a lever? And he would have said Yes, and I'd have said Excellent, thank you. Did you know, by the way, that the sparrow flies south for winter? And then I'd have punched him.

Hell, anything involving Bison Dragonclaw can count.

The sparrow flies south for winter makes a return in Kingdom of the Wicked. And it is just as funny as it sounds.

Valkyrie doesn't like not having a proper weapon.

Valkyrie: You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick. Skulduggery: I'll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Valkyrie: Well, of course you think that. You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last present you gave me was a stick. Skulduggery: You wanted a weapon. Valkyrie: It was a stick. Skulduggery: It had a bow on it! Valkyrie: It was a stick.

It happens AGAIN. This time, the stick's a surprisingly effective magical weapon.

Skulduggery: I also think Valkyrie's ex-boyfriend will come in handy here.

Ravel: *frowning* The dead vampire?

Valkyrie: *glaring* I think he means Fletcher.

Ravel: Oh. Sorry.

Valkyrie: Caelan was never my boyfriend.

Ravel: I didn't mean to-

Ghastly: We don't talk about Caelan.

Ravel: I'm really sorry, Valkyrie. Fletcher's great. He's wonderful. I'm sure he'd be delighted to help, and having a teleporter around will certainly solve some problems. We'll arrange that, we'll get him over to you, start the ball rolling, as it were. Once again, sorry about bring up the vampire.

Her dad stopped, looked guilty, then leaned closer. "You may have won this round," he whispered, "but I WILL have my-"

"And don't threaten the baby, either."

"I wasn't," he said, straightening up immediately.

"Just leave her alone. You're annoying her."

"I'm not annoying her. She doesn't even know enough to BE annoyed. She's, what, a week old?"

"She's three months."

"She's three months in OUR years, but how old is she in baby years?"

"Come away from her. Steph, could you pick her up? It's time for her feed."

Valkyrie went to the baby while her dad frowned.

"Why didn't you ask me to pick her up? I was standing right there. Don't you trust me? That's it, isn't it? You don't trust me."

"I do trust you," her mum said. "I just don't trust you a LOT. Stephanie has safe hands."

"You want to see safe hands?" her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side table, took two apples, and proceeded to juggle them. "See? Safe as anything."

Her mum frowned at him. "Are you proposing you juggle our new-born child?"

"Of course not," he said. "I'd only be able to juggle her if you'd had twins. Otherwise its just throwing."

"Steph," her mum said, "give me my baby and never let your father near her."

"Deal," Valkyrie said, handing her sister over.

And shortly after the hilarious "Dad dropped me?" scene:

Desmond: Can I please just hold her? Melissa: I don't think that's wise. Desmond: A lot of things aren't wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway. Melissa:(nods) Stephanie, you're in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road. Val: Gotcha.

Serpine's "did you get lost on your way to kill me?" comment in Kingdom of the Wicked was quite funny in a very dark way.

At the start of Kingdom Of the Wicked we get one of the greatest moments in current literature- the Butterfly Scene.

Also at the start is how Desmond gets rid of a date he set up for Stephanie- he tells them Stephanie has diarrhea. Valkyrie puts it best:

Valkyrie: Mum? Kill him for me will you?

Kenspeckle getting ready for his date. Bingo.

Valkyrie: You're all dressed up. You never get dressed up. Are you...? Do you have a date?

Kenspeckle: Why do you sound so surprised? Because I'm old, is that it? Because I'm an old man and old people shouldn't go out on dates? Because we don't need love or companionship, and we don't get lonely? Is that it? Is that why you're so surprised I have a date?

Kenspeckle: Ah. Yes. I am rather grumpy. But what can I say? Some women like that.

Valkyrie: What women?

Kenspeckle: Women with low expectations.

Valkyrie teasing Skulduggery about his unrequited love of Grace Kelly.

In Kingdom of the Wicked, Alternate Lord Vile'sreaction to seeing Skulduggery and Skulduggery's little wave back.

At the end of the incredible fight between Mevolent and Darquesse, Darquesse begins smashing him with fence posts. She stops and Mevolent tries to recover his bearings, and Darquesse hits him with a horse

"Your hair Fletcher. It defies logic and reason."

It's very dark, but in Kingdom of the Wicked Valkyrie is having a conversation with Alternate!Mevolent and we get this little piece:

Alternate!Mevolent: Other stories tell how I eat innocent newborns, how I'm ten feet tall, how I breathe fire and have great dragon wings. None of these are wholly accurate. I don't have dragon wings, I don't breathe fire, I'm only eight feet tall and I've never eaten a baby that didn't have it coming.

Erskine Ravel gives Fletcher a pager, which is programmed to incapacitate him when a certain phrase is uttered. This phrase would naturally need to be something that nobody would ever say under normal conditions. What is the phrase? "Your hair is really cool."

Ghastly after the Dead Men slide down a water slide. "I think I may have lost a nipple up there."

Behold! Grand Mage China Sorrow! The most honest politician in the history of literature.

In The Dying of the Light, Skulduggery comes up with a plan to separate Valkyrie's personality from Darquesse's using Deacon Maybury's technique. In order for it to work, Valkyrie needs to hold onto her thoughts as best she can. When Cassandra tells her to use a word or phrase to latch onto, Valkyrie naturally chooses "The sparrow flies south for winter".

Valkyrie pretends to be Darquesse in order to fool Mevolent and proves that she is in fact a massive nerd.

Valkyrie: Your little toys only work on me for a short time. We have a race of beings in my universe-we call them the Borg. They taught me everything they know about adapting to new weaponry. You cannot defeat me, Mevolent. Resistance is futile.

The exchange between Valkyrie and the alternate Torment:

Valkyrie: Save your disgust, OK? I've heard it before. You don't like me because I have the blood of the Ancients in my veins, and I don't like you because you're old and nasty and creepy and you stole Gandalf's beard. Torment: I don't know who this Gandalf is, but that is not why you disgust me, you insolent little - !

Ravel's death in The Dying of the Light. What makes it funny is that it's told through conversation in a very offhand and flippant way rather than showing the actual scene itself.

Valkyrie and Wreath are talking when Skulduggery arrives.

Valkyrie: Please don't annoy him.

Wreath: Me? When have I ever annoyed the great Skulduggery Pleasant?

Skulduggery: *walks to their table*

Wreath: Hello.

Skulduggery: I will shoot you in the eye.

Wreath: I think I've annoyed him.

Valkyrie tells Melancholia that there are aliens. Her reaction.

Valkyrie: (...)Also, there are aliens now.

Melancholia:REALLY?

Valkyrie: No.

Melancholia: I hate you so much.

Scapegrace and Thrasher's final scene in Dying of the Light: Thrasher gets killed by the Guardian's blade, Scapegrace defeats the Guardian, they share a heartwarming final moment as Thrasher dies, and when he finally stops moving, Scapegrace pulls out the sword....and Thrasher says "Oh. I think that did it."

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