Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Wednesday Is The Wednesdest Day.

Secondly, I'd like to congratulate most of my fellow New Yorkers for staying in "full retard" mode with regard to bike share. As I mentioned yesterday, various douchebags in the wealthier pockets of town are suing over the placement of bike share stations outside of their buildings. Indeed, their attorney has called it "the epitome of governmental bullying," which is pretty funny when you consider that 1) the bikes will make their lives better and B) the government recently bulldozed a bunch of homes to build a basketball arena just a few blocks away. Anyway, here's a typical bike share Internet comment, this from Brooklyn's gentrification blog of record:Good, I hope they win. The City is really a PITA with certain things. This bike thing is probably a burden to the residents of this building.It is just like the million trees, the city plants them in front of you place of dwelling, then leaves you to have to clean water and car for them.

Our City sucks.I hate this whole bike sharing thing. I have my own bike, I store it in my basement of the building.....This was just in TV this morning on bank Street, residents are complaining it is taking up too many parking spaces.this is America, not Europe, people seem to forget this.

Wow. Public bikes and trees? This is actually what people in Brooklyn complain about now. He is right about one thing though, which is that this is America and not Europe--which is a damn shame:

Frankly I'd rather share the road with her than with some New Jersey yenta in an SUV who's too busy on her phone not to run me over, though I realize that's a singularly un-American point of view.

By the way, I apologize for using the word "retard," since I realize it's inappropriate. "Ass-tarded fuckstick" would have been much more fitting in this case.

So let's try that again:

Thank you, my fellow New Yorkers, for staying in "full ass-tarded fuckstick" mode throughout the implementation of this whole bike share thing.

So what is it about Americans, anyway? Where did we go wrong? We weren't always this stupid. Consider this article, for example:

His first publication in 1897 for the railroad was “Cyclist’s Paradise,” which identified scenic routes and hotel locations. It was so successful, an information panel notes, that during that summer, “the L.I.R.R. reportedly transported 150,000 bicyclists (and their bikes) to tour and photograph the Long Island countryside.”

Can you imagine? Long Island a "cyclist's paradise?" A century or so later and the L.I.R.R. doesn't have so much as a single bike hook, and you can only take the your bicycle on the train between 4:00 and 4:14am on alternate Sundays.

The 2013 DRT will have slots for 40 riders which will be split into three classes. They'll set out on a 30-mile course that has been designed to "demonstrate and challenge the cargo bike’s capabilities in a disaster response situation." Last year, the event attracted a range of set-ups from the tradition bike trailer to longtails, cycle-trucks, "bakfiets", and others.

In other words, it's a disaster-themed alleycat, and in pretending to save imaginary people from make-believe disasters, Portland has officially transcended smugness and attained the rarefied state of transcendental wankery.

Still, what's worse? New York-style ass-tardedness, or Portland-style transcendental wankery? It's tough to say. Probably the saddest aspect of the ass-tardedness is that the Department of Transportation has to go through the motions of appeasing the ass-tards who think bikes are the greatest threat to public safety since cholera. For example, last week I rode from my home in wherever it is I live to Brooklyn, a trip of something like 15 or 20 miles. My journey took me through three boroughs and pretty much every type of neighborhood you can think of: industrial, commercial, residential, suburban, wealthy, poor, and so on. Along the way, I saw people using all sorts of different modes of transportation: cars, bikes, buses, subways, skateboards, their own two feets... And many of these people did stuff that was illegal--sometimes harmlessly so, sometimes stupidly so. Most people manage to make it work, and a few people fuck it up. When the drivers fuck it up it causes by far the most carnage. But that's the way it is.

So what's being done about it? Well, on my ride of two hours through a vast cross section of the city, there was this one (1) intersection in the East Village where one guy was holding a stop sign and reminding cyclists to stop at the red light:

While across the street his friend was holding another sign telling people not to salmon:

I realize he's actually holding the sign the wrong way and is effectively "sign-salmoning," but he was actually holding it the right way until I took the picture, at which point he probably turned around to look at somebody's ass. (It was a nice day, and nice days mean ass-gawkery, especially if you're a municipal employee. It wouldn't surprise me if the other side of the "wrong way" sign says "nice ass.")

Should cyclists stop at red lights? Sure. Should they ride with traffic? Ideally. Even so, it all seemed so laughably futile. Is there any other reason for this other than to humor the oddballs who complain about reckless cyclists while drivers run down children on a weekly basis? And it's not like the sign brigade was all over. They were just in this one spot. (I mean, they may have been elsewhere, but in three boroughs and two river crossings this was all I saw.) It seems like putting a Band-Aid on a papercut while a tiger is chewing your leg off.

("A tiger?!?")

Also, it was just plain humiliating! I was totally going to stop at the red light, yet as I rolled up to it the guy holds the sign up at me as if to say "I know you're not going to stop, but now you have to, because, you know, this sign." This of course made me want to run the red light I was originally planning to obey. But I didn't run the light, I just stood there feeling embarrassed as he continued to shame me with the sign.

I mean no offense to the sign guys, by the way. They're just doing their jobs. It's just silly is all, and if the DOT is going to spend money on futile gestures meant to assuage kooks then they could at least put the no-salmoning guy in a big fish costume:

Really, it's a sad state of affairs. We get bike share (maybe) but in return they get to shame us with signs.

Lastly, while I'm on the subject of cycling in New York, if you're a bike messenger with tattoos (a rare combination to be sure) you totally missed out on a chance to get laid:

Hot hot bike messenger - w4m - 29 (Union Square)Holy shit I am stupid. You were so cute and I enjoyed our brief elevator ride conversation :) and I completely didn't get your number or give you mine. (As I said, I'm a wimp). Your smile is killer and the tats got my attention too. Describe me so I know it's you and let me take you out for a drink or something?

"Is there any other reason for this other than to humor the oddballs who complain about reckless cyclists while drivers run down children on a weekly basis? "

Yes there is - if we want cycling to become the ho-hum, ordinary, not special but purely utilitarian thing we want it to, then we need to to do all the things the other ho-hum, ordinary, not special but purely utilitarian things do.

I rode down 2nd ave. yesterday on the way home from work and avoided the sign brigade by riding on the other side at the edge of the bus lane (which is where you're supposed to be anyway 8 blocks south to cross Houston).

90% of the time I avoid the separated bike lanes - a.k.a. auxiliary sidewalks.

And is it me, or is flagrant motor vehicle red light running at an all time high? Here's a hint for drivers: when the light turns yellow and you're still 20 to 30 yards from the crosswalk, it's pretty safe to assume the light will turn red by the time you're rolling through the intersection, because, you know, that's what happens after the light is yellow.

Also, a huge shout out to McFly. When scrolling through the post to get the comment link, he remained steadfast as the blond bomber on the Dutch bike entered his view. That's discipline my friends. We could all learn something here.

it's not the only the wealthy-er ass-tard fuck-wats that are fighting the bike share... i heard from a nieghborhood-full-of-projects' community board member last night that they are going to fight it tooth an nail not to lose three parking spots. When i told her that the benefits to the larger populace (imagine the carless now being more mobile, hmm?), she said she doesn't care and that i should try parking a car there sometime.

no thank you... even in torrential rain like today's i still ride my bike and wont take the bus.

also, yesterday i helped this sweet old lady cross a few blocks in the upper west side. we got talking about government spending and she brought up bike share a shame and danger for the city... said she: can you imagine how many more people will be injured by cyclists riding on sidewalks?

I hate to say it, but the lady had a point. if she was hit by so much as a puff of wind, she'd end up in a hospital bed for the rest of her days. just imagine clueless fuck-tards now riding those clunky things on sidewalks... cuz you know, it will happen... and the first recorded injury maybe the start of the first class-action lawsuit.

but on the bright side, guess who's going to be doing sting-operations to issue $150 tickets?!? c'mon it's easy...

@ Serial RetrogrouchMy biggest complaint about Boston Hubway Bike Share is the amount of them that end up on crowded sidewalks downtown and in some of the historic sections of the city with tourists. Worst offenders are the business guys downtown. They zing around on the sidewalks like no one else exists.

I wish the police would do something about it but they are in the service of the corporate community and the rest of us can pound sand.

I kind of like the idea of the disaster relief alleycat. And didn't youse guys in New York use cyclists to ferry supplies out to Hurricane Sandy victims once the storm had passed by? I still think the other post-apocalyptick cycling sport should be bikeathlon, just like the biathlon but with bicycles instead of cross-country skis.

i go that way daily, and daily i see fucksticks on bikes zipping through the intersection with school children crossing it, and even with the sign holders there. i always get the urge to chase the fucksticks on bikes and kick them in the scranus.

there's no need to feel shame while you stop in front of them. i usually chat them up. nothing gets them smiling more than a comment like, "i could ride that one all day long... wink wink"... i, of course would be referring to a bicycle, but he, of course, think i'm referring to a mhlf.

I too find those sign holding goons incredibly humiliating. I pass Veselka pretty much daily and changed my route today just to avoid that indignity. I always stop behind the crosswalk, and yeah, seeing that made me wanna creep through all slow grinning at the duder.

When I win the lottery I'll come to NY, buy up some bike share stations and convert them to monster truck/mufflerless Harley share stations. Should make the neighbors much happier. Or, if they'd rather be greener, glass recycling dumpsters. With targets in the back, so you have something to throw your empty Moet bottles at.

The rest of the Cat 6ers and clueless idiots seemed to be coming in line and all of a sudden hubway bikes are darting off of curbs right out in front of me all day long.

Difference with me is I go right up to the cops and give them gentle berating about their lack of diligence ..."why wait for a "crackdown" to get these people to respect your authority - start today" it actually works sometimes

Ass-tardedness is worse. The transcendental wankery can be seen a mile away, and thus is easily avoided. Ass-tardedness, like curmudgeoness, is hard to spot. Take Martin Amis for example. One day, you think,"this guy is so cool; writer, drinker, British", then you take the chance to congratulate him on achieving "upper class" status, and he gets all grouchy and disses on Brooklyn.

Rural 1st!!LeRoi, it's true, your dog is a literary genius, blessings of Lob upon him. I laughed. A rare thing. And I managed to get on the bicycle cycle today for something other than work! For a longish detour in the rain /Tabata sprinting just for fun...it's been a long time. Last time in New York city with my clown bike, I was struck by the haughtiness of riders, all insisting whatever they were doing was right, jumping lights, riding on sidewalks, salmoning, glaring at me...and then I realized that they're mostly so concerned that someone will think they're not from New York. Why when one moves to NYC and gets the right costume and attitude, isn't that fearful provincialism supposed to be replaced with New Yorker's provincialism(s)? . Not sure what can be done about that. Bueller?

just moved there and its actually pretty damn awesome. Great bicycle lanes all over the place, not a ton of traffic, its obviously warm lovely weather, no hills which is nice for us spaghetti legged people and best of all! -- the tan, slightly trashy florida women. fucking love them. oh, and the beach. there is of course a wonderful beach and you can pedal right along the A1A in safety.

fucking love it and you will do. and we all know Florida is where all the members of the Desert Tribe wind up at some point.

you should come down and do one of your book thingy's that you do in shittier cities.

ooh. how perfect. my captcha today: rigad Assu.

that can be used in a sentence. like, check out the regad Assu on the broad. damn she is smoking hot.

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I used to work with a guy who would sell the shit out of telemark skis, by describing the trancendentalism of the backcountry experience. Walt Whitman would approve of this sidecut and camber profile...

Late today, let's bring in the estrogen! Cipo: I'm changing my name legally to Nina Coffee as soon as I get to Iowa (where hopefully there lives some transcendental wankery, supposedly there is a bike shop there run by two guys who both don't own cars, this shop is supposedly next to a vegan restaurant, sounds like a promising start).

My favorite: "I know you're not going to stop, but now you have to, because, you know, this sign."

Amtrak is similarly asstardedlyfucksticked out here. There is a beautiful ride down Pacific Coast Highway from Orange County to San Diego, 75-100 miles, and if you wanna come back on the choo-choo there are only 6 bikeen spaces on a 7 car train. It's only 1/2 full of people, but the fucking conductor boots you off "his" train because "there aren't any more spots" for 4 more bykes in an otherwise completely empty train car. Security is of course called to physically remove these menacing biekers who are now holding up the schedule by having the audacity to believe they were part of the public that public transport is supposed to serve.

Wankery is transcendental almost by definition, because one self-reliantly meet one's own needs. If someone else is doing your wanking for you, it isn't self reliant, so it can't be transcendental.

On the other hand, a community of transcendentalists could engage in a circle-jerk, thereby doing some else's wanking while getting wanked at the same time. Inevitably though, someone would get jerked around, because some other wanker wouldn't "pull" his own weight, so to speak.

i kind of like new york.but why would anyone want to live in a city anyway.bikes are nice and welcome toy for the healthy in the summer.but just some rain or even mild ondulations in terrain make them useless as a working mode of transportation.total disrespect for any trepidation of giving up valuable year-round all-weather parking space for trendy toys seems a bit narrow-minded.but then again, bikers are athletes, no need for using the brain there?

I kind of love New York.Too many reasons to live in a city to mention.Bikes are nice and utilitarian year round.Riding in the rain makes me sing and hill-climbing makes me horny.Cars were once considered trendy toys until mass production made them affordable. Paying more for a vehicle doesn't entitle the owner to public parking privileges, that seems a bit narrow-minded.But then again, drivers are ass-tards, they need to use their brains.

Those people holding the signs, they remind me of a time I too was taking a travel upon my bicycle. I came upon a stop light, one that was providing a stop in traffic for pedestrians as it only was for a crosswalk, and as I approached on my bicycle preparing to stop a man on the sidewalk was yelling "hey, red light" and then very shortly thereafter, "hey, red light asshole!" and this man was of the very obese type. I was fully intending to stop, even though there were no pedestrians and I would pose no threat to any persons, but I told him "yes, I agree, it is a red light!" and rode through it while he made some sort of obese-man-completely-encapsulated-in-rage sounds that were upon reflection quite amusing. I proceeded to run another light because I figured that since once again nobody would be in any danger from these actions that I should proceed anyways. Plus those "fixie faggots" in bigger cities like LA and New York do things of this sort all the time, and this is Honolulu! I proceeded to lock up my transportation device to a rack for similar transportation devices because it is shaped in the generic form of such transportation devices when a Sheriff comes to my location and instructs me that I should follow the rules of the road and so forth and is on his way. I should have given that obese man a bottle of Champagne for being such a noble citizen and informing my wrongdoings to the proper authorities.

Vegas @343: "Amtrak... There is a beautiful ride down Pacific Coast Highway from Orange County to San Diego, 75-100 miles.

You should stay on your bike, you'd arrive before the train. I love it when Amtrak calls one of it's trains an "express", biggest oxymoronic title ever (rail travel in China this isn't) . It's no different than calling the Long Island Expressway an expressway.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!