(I am going through a period of getting calls from scammers, usually with an incredibly thick Indian accent, giving a very American name and claiming to be calling on behalf of Microsoft for some essential update. The first time, I initially thought they were linked to my work where the IT support is a genuinely good company in India, although it was odd that they would call me at home. After some questions about my system, they wanted me to visit a site. I first quickly Googled it which confirmed it was a scam and I hung up. I went along far enough that they considered me a potential victim and called at least five times more in the next hour, claiming urgency. Over the next couple of months, I became unemployed, so I couldn’t afford to simply ignore unknown callers IDs, but the accent and opening lines usually make it clear who I am dealing with. These are some my of responses. I’ll skip their intro spiel. I’m male and so is the scammer:)

Me:*in a sultry voice* “Well, hello, sweetie. What are you wearing?”

Scammer: “…” *click*

(Another case:)

Me: *sigh* “Listen, I know this is a scam. Please just hang up and delete my number.”

(Cue the scammer insisting they are real a couple of times.)

Me: “Okay, I’m done. Do me a favor and jump off a cliff or something. Just f*** off.”

(I need a second to process the politest, rudest dismissal I have ever gotten. Another time, the phone rings at 6:00 am; my grandfather was committed to the hospital the day before.)

Scammer: “Hi, I’m calling from Micros–”

Me:*WORDLESS SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS*

(Another case:)

Me: “Listen, I know that if I follow your instructions you would lock my computer and ask for payment to unlock it. I’m clearly not going to do that, so just give up.”

Scammer: “No, sir, I am calling from Microsoft per instructions by Bill Gates and need you to–”

Me: “Okay, how about this, then: let’s skip the whole bit where you lock my computer and I’ll just send you money to stop calling me?”

Scammer: *without missing a beat* “Certainly. How much money would you send?”

Me:*incredulous pause* “You seriously think I would do that?” *click*

(I later talked to my dad, who works for the police. He said I should have written down their account details. This might have made it possible to trace them, and asking for money to not call people counts as extortion, which makes for a stronger case than phone harassment. It’s almost sad that was the last call I got from them.)