John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

How do you solve unresolved issues when the other person is dead? (Published 4/18/11)

Q:

My daughter died in Dec. 2008. She was mad at me for not bailing her out of trouble and had not spoken to me in 6 months despite repeated attempts to communicate with her. The last thing she said to me was that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. I never got a chance to say goodbye nor make things right. I can’t find joy in the holidays anymore. I’m having panic attacks that seem to come out of nowhere. I went through two courses of grief counseling. Why is it so much worse this year that last? I feel as if I am regressing instead of progressing. And how do you solve unresolved issues when the person is dead? I've tried and had no results. Do you have any suggestions for me? Sincerely, Theresa

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Theresa,

Ouch – what a painful story!

In addition to your other questions, in your note you say: “Why is it so much worse this year than last? I feel as if I am regressing instead of progressing.”

Answer: “Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative—and since time can’t heal an emotional wound, it can only get worse.”

And: “Unresolved grief is about all the things we wish had happened Differently, Better, or More; and about all the unrealized Hopes, Dreams, and Expectations about the future.”

Those are composite quotes from our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. To a certain degree they answer your question about why it seems to feel worse this year than last, and why you may feel as if you’re going backwards.

As to your other question: “And how do you solve unresolved issues when the other person is dead?”

A fact is that in almost all relationships—even good ones —when one person dies, the surviving person will discover things they wish had happened Differently, Better, or More. That means that nearly everyone who’s reacting to the death of someone important in their life, will have to deal with what is unfinished in that relationship, and therefore unresolved, after the death.

Not knowing the exact style or content of the “two courses of grief counseling” you went through, I can’t comment on that. But I can tell you that the primary purpose of The Grief Recovery Handbook is to help people discover and complete everything that was left incomplete in their relationship with the person who died. The completion includes “saying goodbye,” even though the other person is no longer living.

As with most of our guidance, we strongly suggest you get a copy of the book and take the actions it outlines. Hopefully, as a result of doing the work, you will feel more complete and the flashbacks and panic attacks will diminish and disappear.