The Crazy Lady

It has been a crazy week. I flew 5 days in a row, which really is too much. It’s too much exposure to the flyin’ public. And, that can make me a little crazy. At the height of my week, I was standing in the jetbridge waiting for the passengers to deplane when this woman walks off the plane. She takes a couple steps forward, then a couple steps back. She does this several times as a look of confusion is plastered on her face. Then she says out loud, “Oh yeah, I didn’t bring the kids with me on this trip.” Oh, people.

This reminds me of another crazy lady named Phyllis. Phyllis is one of my co-workers who I really have no idea how or why she is a flight attendant. I think is has something to do with her driving her husband crazy and he wanting her out of the house…

When I was first hired 5 years ago, I was still living in Phoenix. And, my crew base was in Oakland. So, I had to commute to Oakland from Phoenix in order to start all of my trips. Because, I was new and needed to spend a lot of time in the bay area waiting for my trips, I had to get a “crash pad.” A crash pad is an apartment that 10-15 flight attendants will share and use only when they are in town in order to keep the costs down. There is usually one person who will sign the lease and keep everything “in order.”

This is where Phyllis comes into the picture. Phyllis ran the crash pad. And, here is why she is crazy…if she wasn’t crazy, then she would have been able to hide her strange behaviors. I think that “the crazies” don’t even know that their actions are weird.

Here is a classic conversation with Phyllis:

Day one in the crash pad–I am minding my own business, getting ready for work at the crash pad. I had taken a shower and was finishing getting ready. Phyllis approaches me with the strainer from the shower. It is full of black hairs.Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah, here at the crash pad we clean out the strainer after we shower.”

Me-“Phyllis, those aren’t my hairs…they’re black.”Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah, they could be pubic.”Me-(holding my arms outward to show her)”Phyllis, the carpet matches the drapes, I’m sorry, but, those aren’t my hairs…”

Phyllis-“Ummm, yeah…..”

Me-(I walk away still unaware of her truly crazy status)

Phyllis only eats live or raw food. Consequently, she spends a lot of time in the bathroom. It was never a pretty picture. I know this is true because my friend Kimmy accepted some of Phyllis’ “special green tea” one day. Let’s just say that Kimmy had a miserable 3 days. I don’t like she felt healthier, which is what the crazy lady said would happen if you ate like she ate.

The crazy lady liked to criticize everything that anyone else ate. She almost always started out by saying, “You guys.” Followed by, “you shouldn’t eat that stuff, it is full of all kinds of awful things…” Of course, she was referring to my vegetable stir fry that I bought from Trader Joe’s. Fairly healthy, from my perspective. Let’s not even talk about what would happen if we brought in fast food.

I may have been more prone to accepting her food advice if she didn’t spend hours in the bathroom; or, if she didn’t continuously have a strange green hue to her skin.

Of course, there are many more “Phyllis” stories to be told. Like the time she accused two of the girls of crawling through the back window of the apartment late one night… Or like the many times she would bring her 80 year old snoring husband Sid to stay at the “crash pad” with her…

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This post is dedicated to the many people who have survived Phyllis’ crash pad…especially my friends Nicholas and Kimmy, who were right there with me and have many of their own “crazy lady” stories…