You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get marriedand wish you were dead.At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrongfinger?""Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".Next day, she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:"You can have mine!"When a woman steals your husband, there is nobetter revenge than to let her keep him.A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying."-A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? "Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."- Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.- Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.- First guy says, "My wife’s an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You’re lucky, mine’s still alive."- A Woman’s Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods.> Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death"AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!- Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. > So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by theticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

If you don’t send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world!

Arkansas . . .The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."

WEST VIRGINIA . . .

A group of West Virginia friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where’s Slim?" the others asked.

"Slim had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."You left Slim laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Slim!"

TEXAS . . .

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that’s why I’m dumpin it here . . . it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’."

LOUISIANA . . .

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . .

"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

MISSISSIPPI . . .

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy:

"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered: "I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number."

GEORGIA . . .A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75.

The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replied: "Bout whut?"

NORTH CAROLINA . . .

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded
to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked: "But what’s with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither."

AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .

‘You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard
of anyone wanting to retire to the North’