God: Sure
Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I promise
Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: What do u mean?
Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start
God: Okay
Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Huummm
Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: All right, you fucking twat. I haven't asked you to go off and slaughter the infidels, enslave their children and rape their women. I haven't asked you to cut off your balls or kill your first born to prove you love me, you utter bellend. Really, I can't have a moment of privacy without some fucking cunt going on about their phone charger. Fuck off!

UNIVERSITY LECTURER: So as you can see in the diagram the universe was created when some chemicals got together in space and exploded.

JIMMY MAGAFFIGAN: HEY HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS

UNIVERSITY LECTURER: Why it is science young lad. We have proven it with science and other scientific science.

JIMMY MAGAFFIGAN: But what about GOD sir

UNIVERSITY LECTURER: God! PAHA! Religion is but warm soup to appease idiot diners.

JIMMY MAGAFFIGAN: How can you say God does not exist?

UNIVERSITY LECTURER: (laughs) Well young student; I have been working as a lecturer for 40 years now and I have seen first hand the many ways in which religion is wrong and that God is for idiots. The universe!! Created not by Your God in but seven of Yor Days, but created by chemicals in the space; human life! Not startig with Adam and Eve but evolving gradually... beginning with amoebas, from amoebas to caterpillers, from caterpillers to dogs, from dogs to fish, from fish to sparrowhawk, from sparrowhawk to siamese cat, from siamese cat to normal cat, from cat to ape, from ape to gorilla, from gorilla to wolf, from wolf to greenfly and from greenfly to HUMAN US HUMAN WITH Our bUILDING SKILLS AND SCIENCe; also we can see how morals come not from your God but are formed from CHEMICALS good and evil are different chemical compounds with varying degrees of magnesium. SO YOU SEE NOW YOUR RELIGION IS SILLY AND YOU ARE A BILLY. And might I add a PARTICULARLY silly one.

(front of the room swot student, MICKOLAS HAWKINSTEAD and his friends pipe up arrogantly)

MICKOLAS HAWKINSTEAD: Mr Lecturer please tell me what to think, I am but a husk in terms of my independent intellect

MONTIS FLANAGAN: Oooooh bugger!

JIMMY MAGAFFIGAN: Looks like you can't answer THAT. There's no proof that science exists, ha. The irony of it.

(and do you know what happened to little JIMMY MAGAFFIGAN? That's right, he later changed his name to ISAAC NEWTON and invented gravity; and then he changed his name to ALFRED EINSTEIN and built the first atom; and then he changed his name again and fought in AFGHANISTAN for YOUR RIGHT TO SULLY HIS NAME, and SIT THERE NOT GETTING THE LOWEST PAYING JOB YOU CAN FIND ASAP, and ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU DO.

Me: Can I ask you a question?
God: That was a question.
Me: Okay, can I ask you another one?
God: No.
Me: But you didn’t answer that one
God: No.
Me: Is that the answer to the first question?
God: That’s not another question is it?
Me: Errrr.
God: I said you couldn’t ask me a question.
Me: Errrr.
God: You probably better go.
Me: Okay.
God: By the way I killed your mum earlier.
Me: You did what?!
God: STOP ASKING ME FUCKING QUESTIONS!!

THOMPSON MAGAFFIGAN: Why hello there I'm just praying that this plane arrives safely at its destination with naught a death in sight.

ALAN THEIST: YOU SIR ARE CLEARLY AN IDIOT! For two reasons. Secondarily, this is a cruise ship... NOT a plane. Primarily and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you are praying to God. Ha. Haha. Hahaha.

THOMPSON MAGAFFIGAN: And what may I arks is wrong with praying to God?

ALAN THEIST: Don't you get it. Great thinkers like Ricky Gervais and University Lecturer have PROVEN that God is but a fake you great flapping jessie. God is just a thing faked up by corrupt leaders, why tis the root of all evil, don't you see!! You sheeple in your boxes believing in a beardy man in the sky: and using that to justify your evils like your feudal system and the oppression of women and your persecution of homosexuals. YOU STUPID GAY WHY DONT YOU BUM YOUR DEITY UP HIS BUM

THOMPSON MAGAFFIGAN: Well actually I do understand that, I'll have you know. The God that I follow is actually my personal idea of God, I understand all very well that early cultures used religion and superstition as a means of explaining the unexplained but I personally feel that there is a place in my heart for such spirituality -- and I think to slam religion for the evils done in it's name is somewhat of an error; surely we should learn from that to be somewhat incredulous towards any authoritative grand narrative that powerful people may seek to exploit in order to oppress the less powerful. I mean take your science for example, friend: the historically recorded use of pseudosciences like phrenology as a means of justifying and perpetuating racism; the sort of thing that can be said to have led in some way to even the Holocaust! Furthermore, my homophobia is my own and I have my own personal reasons for disliking those gays off of the television.

ALAN THEIST: You say that now but where is your God NOW.

(ALAN THEIST sinks the boat)

ALAN THEIST: HAHAHAHAHA YOUR GOD DIDNT SAVE YOU DID HE. Now do you see that religion is but the root of all society's evils? And do you see that it is religion that causes widespread destruction and not great science not beauteous eternally benevolent science!?

THOMPSON MAGAFFIGAN: Yes I do now. I see I was wrong. Even looking past the overt irony of your last sentence there, I now see that I was all wrong.

CAPTAIN PUGWASH: The ship be sinking. The mainbrace is currently almost as messy as whatever message you're supposed to take from this.

MASTER BATE: Too blooming right. I always suspected I'd die at sea.

BUM THE CABIN LAD: I'd always kind of thought I'd die in a branch of Curry's.