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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Big Brother Married Nurse Ratchet

First we caught him sneaking his face-recognition software into Facebook
without letting us know.Now he’s following
us around the web, even when we’re not logged in to Facebook.

Oh my goodness, Mark, Mark, Mark!You
megalomaniac, you!

Of course we lost control of our Older Male Sibling long ago. Back when we put our Social Security numbers
on job applications we surrendered ourselves to being watched and dogged by
what has become a voracious, titanic mogul in the sky.

Until recently, I didn’t feel watched or dogged.In fact, I had a hard time imagining that any
one person up there in the cloud could be bothered with the mundane routines of
my comings and goings.Ho hum.

But of course it’s not my comings and goings that interest the industrious
Zuckerberg clan.Their interest lies in my
willingness to spend my money on their stuff.

Case in point:My experience with Spanx.It’s underwear, OK?Specialized body slimming underwear – the
latest thing in the 100 Years War of the Waistline.If you want to know more about Spanx, you’ll
just have to look it up.But do so at
your own risk.

I confess I went onto the Spanx website and shopped around.I didn’t buy anything because I didn’t buy
their pitch.OK, I kind of do accept their
squeeze-it smooth-it pretend-it’s-not-there premise, but their stuff is ‘way
too expensive for me.Still, I noodled
around with the detached interest of a shopper who hopes to find a comparable
product at a reasonable price at Kohl’s.

Let’s say that was Monday.WEDNESDAY,
I got a catalog, from Spanx, with my name
on it, in the US mail!

Did Mark Zuckerberg just send me a Spanx catalog?Now that’s weird.

And he’s meeting with all kinds of powerful people – House Majority
Leader Eric Cantor, Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy, Budget Chairman Paul Ryan -
the President!What’s that all about?!

I’m starting to feel a kinship with all those conspiracy theorists who
believe “they” are reading our mail and tapping our phones.Pass the aluminum foil.

You know, my crazy Aunt June thought her sister-in-law (my crazy Aunt Daisy)
was reading her mail, opening her electric bills, and examining her cable
viewing habits.Turns out, she was!Caught her red-handed steaming envelopes!Not so crazy after all.

Now Zuckerberg unveils some of the most drastic changes ever made to Facebook's
service.The fear among users relates to
what some say portends a worrisome privacy situation on the social network, led
by Mr. Z’s new feature, “Timeline,” and changes to “Open Graph.” Zuckerberg said he believes these “improvements”
will help users share every single facet of their lives on the social network.

Timeline
provides users with a way to view "the story of your life," including
a collection of all the “stories” users have shared on Facebook over the years,
as well as the pictures they've posted, and the applications they've used.Oh yes, it’s all in Mr. Z’s sky-vault.

Facebook's
updated Open Graph enables users, thanks to Timeline and a new addition, Ticker,
to see what a “friend” is doing in real time, for example if he’s watching a
movie on Netflix or listening to a song on Spotify (whatever that is!).Then the viewer can engage in that same
activity from within the social network.Imaginary friends have become virtual friends.

If that’s not enough to make you twitch, over the other shoulder comes OnStar
following us around town even if we cancel their GPS service or never activate it in the first place.

Not only does OnStar store data on your vehicle diagnostics like oil
changes, tire pressure, the gas type you use; information about crashes such as
whether you’re wearing a seat belt or whether an airbag deployed; and the car’s
GPS/location information – including the speed of the vehicle, when the vehicle
moves, and the precise location of the vehicle moment-to-moment.All the more ominous when we’re reminded that
GM offers a “free” trial of OnStar with each new vehicle it sells.

I haven’t had that kind of monitoring since I was a teenager trying to elude
my dad.

Of course, OnStar reserves the right to sell aggregate data to third parties
likely to be advertising, insurance, and analytics companies eager to gather as
much information about us as they can for their own prying, greed-based
reasons.