I am in Canada. Please Don’t Follow Me Home-School People.

I am in hiding. I am not too proud to admit that for my own safety I have headed north and given up my job, my family, warmth, and quality professional football.

I am on the run because the Home-Schoolers aren’t happy with me.

This blog is being written from a seedy motel just outside Alberta, Canada. You may be asking yourself, “Why is he in Canada?”

The answer is that I wasn’t taught my directions in public school and I thought I was heading south. That was a joke Home-School People.

Maybe I can get a job at Elsinore Brewery (Google alert).

If you have read any of these idiotic rambling little stories that I have written (write may be too strong of a word- slop together during halftime of the game is more accurate), you have probably realized that they are not meant to have any deep meaning.

I have lots of “theories”, but even I realize most of them are moronic. However, they get me through my day-to-day sad little existence.

Truth be told, I don’t understand 75% of what is written in these blogs 20 minutes after I finish.

If you spend more than 3 minutes contemplating what you read, you have committed 2 Â½ minutes more than me.

I have a very exciting life to live…. actually I don’t, but I want to believe I do.

It amazes me that the blogs I really like usually get very few comments, no angry emails, and I can continue to live in relative anonymity.

The ones that I believe no one will read (i.e. Home-Schooling, seems to cause my email account to back up like a toilet in a truck stop- oh great, now I have insulted truck drivers- I should have stopped with my insult about Canadian Football).

Anyway, it is no longer safe for me to stay in my home.

The Home-Schoolers have commented, emailed, and written about me on their websites. Who knew people who home-school are so tech savvy?

When I wrote (ok, slopped) the home-school blog, I thought it was relatively positive in regards to parents who teach their own kids.

I didn’t write (fine, slopped) that it is a huge task to think one person can be an excellent English, Math, Science, Health, Social Studies, Computer, Literature, Physical Education, Music, and Industrial Arts teacher.

I didn’t say that a child’s formative years are so complicated and important that they need outside influences and perspectives from other children and adults that aren’t their relatives

I didn’t write that people don’t home-school their children in college, which in many cases is far more liberal leaning academically and socially.

I didn’t write that the shared experience of public school (good and bad) is a time in all of our lives that ties most of us together for the rest of our lifetimes.

I didn’t write that class reunions for home-school students must be terribly boring.

I didn’t write that home-schooled students who return to public school have a big challenge in learning to social with other kids.

I wrote that I had respect for people who cared enough about their children to make a commitment to their education on a scale far greater than what I would endure.

But, yet I am a bad guy in their eyes. That is why I am on the run. While I am out here I can assure you that I will be helping OJ look for the killers (unless he is thrown in the slammer… cross your fingers).

There is an upside. As long as I am on the run, I won’t break an ankle traipsing through my daughter’s room and I don’t think they have soccer in Canada.

So in review, Canadian Football is odd, I have a poor sense of direction, this blog isn’t written by a genius, OJ needs my help, and using the restroom in a truck stop can be a roll of the dice.

And most importantly, people in America (I miss my homeland) are free to educate their children in any fashion that they choose.

God Bless America and All Hail Canada, you hosers!

Where else can you get a home-schooling discussion, Canadian Football talk, OJ Simpson references, advice about avoiding truck stop restrooms, and obscure quotes from that 1983 classic movie- Strange Brew. All for free.

Okay, since you’re in Alberta, you’d better turn east (opposite direction of the mountains!) and get into Saskatchewan. There are home-schoolers but their not at all organized and you’ll be safe for awhile. Don’t look me up but travel south along the border until you get to Regina, the capital. There you can make your case for safety to the government. With a new government in place, I’ve no idea how they’ll react to your plight but since they aren’t as socialistic as the NDP there is a good chance your request for amnesty will be granted. You’ve arrived at the right time – the dollar is equal, there are plentiful jobs for someone with your qualifications (although just missing the election is really too bad – you’re slopping would have been an asset to someone.) I might suggest you check out a small rural community – housing is relatively cheap and single men with any amount of marketable skills are welcome (especially if you don’t have any other drinking problem besides chocolate milk) People are friendly so be sure you have an alibi – make it outlandish as people are starved for the exotic in the rural areas (but not too exotic). If all else fails, tell them you are from Newfoundland (do a google search, find a small town and talk with a slur of some sort.) Talk like a pirate (Aargh Billy) and develop a noticable tick. That should keep you safe for awhile. (Heck, worked for a guy in my hometown for 50 years!) Good luck. Do not look for me. I have enough problems with stalkers and chalk breakers.

Anyhow, I can’t speak for any of the other homeschoolers who read your post and commented but I blogged on it because I thought it brought up some good points and also reflected a true but not very flattering picture of the way some homeschoolers carry themselves. Especially those who quote academic statistics. The impression left is often of some reactionary swarm. You’ve experienced that, eh?

Anyhow, in my response I’d invited you over to my blog and you’re still welcome. I’ll even make some tea cookies. I make a mean whipped shortbread!

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