(Closed) FIANCEE INVITATION NIGHTMARE: *ANY TIPS* ?

…So my fiancee and I are planning our wedding in Orlando, Florida. We currently reside in California, but I am from Orlando. So, we budgeted for 150-180 people. The thing is that he wants to invite > 200 people FROM HIS FAMILY ALONE! Crazy, I know!

He says that he “knows his family” and that they won’t travel all the way to Florida for the wedding. He just wants everyone to feel that they are being treated equally and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (he claims that “this is just how his family is…” my family is the same way, but hey – i have made sacrifices).

He’s even said that if he can’t invite ALL of his extended family, then he will just invite his immediate family and that’s that. (OMG, I know)

My invite list has been cut back and cut back b/c I know that my family will travel anywhere to see me get married… And I don’t want to overcommit ourselves by inviting more people than we can afford. He seems to think it’s fine for him to invite significantly more people than me (twice as many, maybe more?) because, in his eyes, they won’t be coming.

I still think it’s risky. I mean, what if they ALL decide to show up? The wedding is on a long holiday weekend…

ANYONE HAVE AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS? HOW’S IT GOING/HOW DID IT WORK OUT/WHAT DID YOU DO?

We argue about this intensely every single time we talk about it. And I can’t stand to go through that anymore.

Have you considered doing tiered invites? Like you create an A-list that you invite early, then send invites to your B-list as you get regrets.

Some people have etiquette concerns about this approach, but I think it could work well for you. Include all of the essential people up to your budget/venue limit in your A-list. Then you can send invites to extended family members, coworkers, and less close friends if people on the A-list can’t make it. This way you can still (possibly) invite everyone, but hyou don’t risk having more people than you can afford.

oh no! This doesn’t sound good. Honestly, I think it’s never a good idea to invite people with the intention that why won’t come, because if they do then you’re screwed. Maybe he should talk to a few family members about the wedding and see if they’d be into traveling (slyly) or not. That may give you a better idea of how realistic it is that his extended family will or won’t come. My honest opinion though, is if you can’t afford them, don’t invite them. You’ll just be setting yourself up for trouble.

Another though. Have you guys talked about or considered and A/B list?

Oooh, be wary of inviting everyone that ‘for sure won’t come. They’ll come. Believe me, our guest list of 580 people with so many that ‘for sure won’t come’ is already at a 300 accepted list and we’re waiting on about 150 more people…only invite those that you for sure want there and can afford to accommodate. Then move out from there as you get declines back.

@indibee: I totally agree…many relatives think if they’re all invited they should go cuz it’s like a family reunion paid for by you. Don’t let your Fiance have his way on this one, it will be a disaster!

Having family overseas & others that I know just won’t come because of $, school or work issues, we are still obligated (by both sets of parents) to invite. Our solution (which may not work for you):

a) to save costs, are making those invitations substantially cheaper, without all the ‘hoorah’ of our ‘real’ invitations (vistaprint, michaels & martha stewart/brides, whatever) – just something that they can have so they can ‘feel’ whatever it is that ‘feeling’ is they are supposed to get (and this is for family who will not be going, probably won’t RSVP no and no gift)

b) agree with the above post – do tiered. or, if you want to be a little more certain they won’t come, send them verrrrrry late. and most importantly,

c) don’t send out save the dates to those you don’t want to come. (also what we’re doing)

Hope any of that helps and best of luck! No one seem to understand the actual need to have accurate figures for rentals, catering, cake, favors, etc. unless they’re actually planning a wedding themselves!

Our final guest list has ended up being 370 people… Only 100 of which are from my side.

FI’s 270 guest list includes a lot o friends (I’m good with that), every single relative Future Mother-In-Law could think of (*sigh), about 25 coworkers with +1’s (really??) and about 50 friends of FIL’s (who haven’t even clearly said they would be paying for).

It is all way out of our budget. Future Mother-In-Law kept saying she HAD to invite so and so (*insert random name I had never heard) because they were invited to their son/daughter’s wedding (maybe 10 years ago). She also added comments about being “completely sure that thet would not attend but they would give us a gift”. Sure. We’ll see how that goes.

In the end I decided to close my eyes and just go with it. It’s probably not the best way to solve an issue but I really could not cope with MIL’s drama any longer.

If they all show up at the wedding, we simply can’t afford it. FIL’s KNOW this, so I will expect them to pay for the extra cost, and believe me, it’s expensive.

@lagemmapreziosa: My wedding is in a country that has limited direct flights… and STILL, 88 people have bought plane tickets & made reservations at two local hotels. We only invited 110 guests. I definitely think your concerns are legitimate. I recommend you guys having a very honest talk about budget because even if only half of the people fiancee alone invites, that’s still 100 people!

That does not sound good at all…. I have alot of Out of Town Family and we decided to cap it at 150 because we know it will get out of hand. Like him I know that alot of mines will not make it. We are doing a A list then a B list to make it easier on us.

This scares me for a two big reasons: 1) holiday weekend, 2) Orlando…family vacation to Disney!! You’re going to have to cap it, and do an A & B list. Send save a dates to your VIPs- you may get some definitive nos, which will help in planning. You can also send announcements to those other relatives after the wedding.

Having a reception in California could also help-if people know that they can celebrate with you in California, a few weeks later, they may not bother with the flight.

Considering that RSVP rates are 80-90%, just his family RSVPs could potentially put you at 160 people. Again-I think a generous guest list is risky because of the long weekend and location.

I like @awesomeryl ‘s idea of sending the people he thinks/knows aren’t coming a different invitation-I’d even go so far as to make sure it reads more like an announcement (I’d say the general location of where we’re getting married, but leave out the exact location, wouldn’t list the time, include a map, etc). Alternatively, I think the idea of doing tiered invites is a good idea too-it may be against current manners, but frankly that changes after a couple of years too-who knows, 10 years from now that could be the thing to do *shrugs*.

All that said- I’m probably doing the worst thing possible-we’re inviting a good 50-75 people over the total I’m comfortable with, but I’m okay with that b/c a)we have venue space to hold them (& our wedding size goal is fairly small, at 50-75 ppl), b) it’s extended family for both of us and if for some reason they all decide to come, then yay! c) I’m making sure we stay under budget so I can afford to feed 50 or so extra people if needed.

hmm…thanks for all the posts! 2 months later and we are still having the same disagreement. 🙁

i liked the idea of sending out wedding ANNOUNCEMENTS (not invitations) to what i call the “un-essentials” on his huge list… i didn’t really know what they were, so i googled it. it looks like you are supposed to send them AFTER the actual wedding (duh, to ANNOUNCE that you got married, now i get it).

i thought it would be nice to send out an “announcement” WITHOUT specific wedding details BEFORE the ceremony takes place in lieu of an invitation (i.e. an “fyi, we’re getting married…thought you’d like to know” … but you’re not invited, lol). but then i thought that this may be confused with an invitation if i send it before the actual event. (i even thought of including something at the bottom about how we are having a small, family ceremony and reception…so people will recognize that this is NOT an invitation)

I agree with the tiered invites. I have a MASSIVE family and my SO has a teeny tiny family. He’s said for me to invite them all because he just adores them all, but I know it’s just not going to happen. I’ve give some a 3 year rule that if there’s been no contact in the last three years there’ll be no invite(only eliminates about 3 cousins and one uncle though). I’ve also decided that since we live in Australia and our families are back in Canada & England, that we’ll skype the whole thing.

We’re trying to keep our total numbers quite low – about 60ish which is actually considered a large wedding where we live. With a family like mine, it really would be just them if everyone was inviteded and confirmed.