This disgruntled fan of the Sacramento River Cats would like you to know that she is NOT fuddy duddy. Nor is she a crackpot. She just thinks that Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks are the reason that "unwholesomeness" is spreading across the American landscape. I strongly urge you to listen to this voicemail in its entirety, as the lady builds to a comedic crescendo so perfectly timed, it feels as if the entire thing was scripted by a UCB troupe. And be sure to note how often she touches on the issue of dreadlocks being a blindness hazard. She really has that talking point down. Some highlights:

• "I'm a viewer of television and I noticed that Manny Rodriguez [sic] has these long, long dreadlocks."
• "Lotta people out here don't feel these people should be able to play with this long hair."
• "It flies in the faces of um uh uh first second and third base when they're tagging them out and it could hurt their eyes... it could really hurt them!"
• "They don't wash that hair!"
• "Any long hair should be out!"
• "They have to cut it in a lot of sports. I don't think they can have it in swimming!"
• "Long hair and drugs, we all know, goes together. It's just like a cheater and liar, what Dr. Phil says, goes hand in hand. When they cheat on a house, they also are a liar."
• "It doesn't look wholesome."
• "You really need to give this message to the executive committee."
• "I'm a lady and I am not a fuddy duddy."
• "They're all gettin' in trouble on steroids and using cortisone for energy... THAT STUFF CAUSES CANCER. That's why Lance Armstrong, the bike guy, got cancer."
• "We study this stuff."
• "And then it gets into ... people start OKing abortion and gay marriage. It gets into a lot of stuff that is NOT according to the Bible or according to the American values."
• "It's a lazy thing, having this long hair!"
• "It looks like a girl!"

OBLIGATORY: Now Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you can set your watch to.