I am a FEMALE survivor. So why am I here, huh? Well, I'm hoping some male survivors might have some suggestions for ME about a friend of mine.

When I told my male friend I was a survivor, he opened up to me too. He said his earliest 'sexual' experiences were from age 4 to about age 11 when he took his (same or nearly same aged) friends to places where their activities wouldn't be noticed by the adults, such as during sleep-overs or play time. He implied it involved touching as well as intercourse. He feels utterly guilty as an adult--he feels like he was a perpetrator. I don't know all the details but it was very clear he felt painfully responsible.

I know the biggest healing action is simply listening to what he wants to tell, as he wants to tell it.

But I don't know what I should also say to him. I never parented a boy, so I don't know the best way parents 'should' tell a boy why he shouldn't touch other children. I have a strong suspicion he was "caught" as a very young child during these explorations and I suspect he was probably beaten badly for touching his friends in a sexual manner. And, I don't know what is best to say that will 1. help him begin to heal his age 4 'perpetrator guilt' and 2. what should I avoid saying?

If you can offer suggestions... I want to be a sensitive friend and support person so he doesn't continue carrying this shame and guilt.

I would find a qualified therapist that deals with both survivors and offenders/perpetrators.

These are very complicated issues to try to figure out alone even with support here,there are so many questions left unanswered.

I would though be cautious about using terms such as experimentation or exploration in regards to abuse.

one interesting thing to me, in what you wrote, is that he counter disclosed with perpetrator behavior but no mention of abuse that he endured if he did. I wonder if he is looking for "forgiveness" from you as a surrugote for those he harmed. I would question the motive of that while you disclosed you were a victim and he was talking about being a perpetrator.

What I know is that if he is struggeling with being a perpetrator (even if he is also a survivor) that he needs to work with a qualified T to figure out how to properly take responsibility and accountability for his actions and have a plan to work through his challenges.

Be careful about transference and counter transference within your relationship with your survivor history as well, I would suggest you talk to a T about whats good for you in regards to suporting your friend.

It is great of you to be considering your friend, but the best that you can do is point him in the right direction.

The biggest factor with your friend must be that he is not perpetrating now. If he is then that brings in a whole different class of treatment that he could not get here.

Your friends guilt far outstrips any abuse that he may have endured himself, but almost every time this sort of behaviour by a young child is brought on by a learned action. Children this young don't usually have sexual needs, so they are rein-acting what they have seen or experienced.

If your friend is not currently perpetrating then tell him about MS, and encourage him to join.

On your side I would limit the support to empathy and a kind ear, try not to get to involved, considering your own history, it can be quite a destructive relationship.

There are also good books on the home page that you could steer him towards.

Heal wellMartin

_________________________Matrix Men South Africa Survivors Supporting Each otherMatrix Men Blog

In the United States, there are two organizations for people in your situation: •Safer Society Foundation has a list of U.S. clinics and therapists that specialize in helping people who have sexualized thoughts or behaviors toward children. They also know about resources in other countries (or how to find them). See Treatment Referrals – and don’t be scared away by the words “sex offender,” because this organization will not demonize or judge you. They care and want to help, even if they use language that may not apply to you. •Stop It Now! is dedicated to preventing sexual abuse by (1) addressing the issue as a public health problem and (2) helping adults reach out to adults they know who are sexually inappropriate or abusive with children. They have an excellent Helpline that you can call (anonymously and confidentially). It’s available several hours per week, and you can call 888-PREVENT (888–773-8368) for the current schedule.

No matter what, don’t give up. Keep looking for help until you find it, no matter how long it takes.

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