Britain is becoming a very angry place

Official figures released by the Department of Figures in London last night revealed the uncomfortable truth - that Britain is becoming a very angry place.

The DOF investigation into the phenomena was originally sparked by a wave of scare stories, usually in the popular newspapers and on the internet, about dying people being robbed, wanton violence on the streets, unprovoked attacks on shopkeepers, hooligans generally running amok, and a subculture of unemployable yobs getting angry because they're unemployable and because the government won't give them more money.

It seems that the frustration is centred around the issue of handouts being too meagre, thereby denying the disenfranchised the opportunity to live a similar lifestyle to that of Jordan, or Simon Cowell. Or even Elton John.

One youth, who described himself as alienated, remarked that he'd love to be able to spend £30,000 a week on freshly cut flowers, or live in a big mansion in Surrey with a glamour model, but that his giro wouldn't stretch that far once he'd shelled out for junk food and crack cocaine. He complained that he often ran out of cash and had to frequently spend days in bed between benefits payments, or go out and hit somebody over the head with an iron bar, in order to top up his benefits, declaring for the most part that lack of money, which he blamed on the government, motivated his anti-social behaviour.

He refused to disclose exactly how much of his benefits he passed on to his fourteen estranged children by nine different baby mothers, saying that such talk just made him angry and made him want to go out and rob an off licence, or steal some innocent old lady's handbag.

Other interviewees appeared similarly pessimistic about receiving a massive benefits boost, bemoaning their lots and saying that they too were getting increasingly angry, frustrated, and overtly hostile, owing to a dearth of well paying criminal opportunities, and the government's insistence on rewarding the nation's bankers, despite the mess they left everyone in, even though most of those who commented had never opened a bank account in their lives.

Many of those questioned, further opined that EU immigration policies had undermined their future prospects by flooding the market with eastern bloc Europeans, who will quite happily work for next to nothing, when they aren't otherwise occupied cloning stolen credit cards, running brothels, or smashing up pubs after drinking too much vodka.

Nobody really seems able to explain exactly why Britain has become so angry, but one source put it down to Winston Churchill's false teeth being auctioned off in Lewes, East Sussex.

Intellectuals think that the nation will eventually calm down and become less angry and frustrated, but they weren't prepared to say when it might happen.

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