Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Chances are slim dieters will lose anything other than money if they go grocery shopping with empty stomachs.

Such a practice can lead some people to fail in merely preparing to succeed. I know because I am one of the some.

In my case, the sum ain't pretty. The total is approximately 50 pounds of surplus fat. So, I recently decided to do whatever it takes to lose one-fourth of me. It also means whatever includes ridiculing from my roommate.

"From this day forth, I am going on a diet," I declared. "I pledge to never leave home without a grocery list and to never purchase items that are not on that list."

While I made these vows to myself, my companion heard every word. I know because he started laughing.

"That list trick never works if you shop when you're hungry," my compact comrade exclaimed between chuckles and gasps for air. "For example, Santa Claus has a list and checks it twice. But, he's still fat."

Secretly, I felt proud because I have a friend who loves me regardless of my shape and size. However, my stubborn streak made me even more determined to put my plan into place. Grabbing a pencil and last week's grocery store tab, I began drafting my first dietary shopping list on the back of the receipt. I also tried to ignore my pal's rude remark about St. Nick.

My buddy knew I was miffed. I know because he started cleaning the kitchen, a task he never tackles unless he is trying to get back on my good side. Then, his kissing up became sappy.

"Why don't I cook you some bacon and eggs to eat before you go to the store?"

"I can poach the eggs and broil the bacon," he insisted. "You really should eat so you won't buy everything in the store because you're hungry."

"Part of being on a diet is having the discipline not to buy food you don't need," I contended. "Besides, we're out of bacon, which is one reason I'm going to the store."

To demonstrate I had control, I read him my two-item list – vegetables and bacon. Just to be cordial, I queried if he had additions for my roster. But, he showed little concern for my compilation. Instead, he continued his sweet talk.

"I still think you should have something hot to eat before you go," he said. "It will only take a minute for me to serve you a bowl of cornflakes."

I replied, "A bowl of cornflakes does not constitute a hot meal unless you left the milk out."

"We're almost out of milk. Add that to your list," he demanded. "While you're at it, also write down chocolate milk."

"I'll get regular milk," I announced, making his addition to my list. "We really don't need chocolate milk. That's too tempting. It would be like eating liquid ice cream."

Before my roommate could comment, I picked up my car keys and headed out the door. An hour later, I returned home. I was delighted because I purchased fewer items than I usually buy. But, my companion still was not convinced my list plan was working. His desire was to prove the flaw in my system.

"What took you so long?" he asked.

With hesitation, I answered, "I forgot my list so I had to improvise."

Then, smugness surged into my chum as he began offering unsolicited quips.

"It looks like you bought everything in the store and then picked up a few items at another one."

I reacted as any sane woman would behave. I became defensive.

"I didn't buy beets, Brussels sprouts or balsamic vinegar."

"You don't like those things."

"I didn't buy dog food."

"We don't have a dog."

"See, I only bought half of everything in the store."

"Well, that's all you could fit in the trunk of your car."

I realized giving him the silent treatment would serve no useful purpose. So, I dismissed his criticism of my latest purchases. Wasting no time, I returned my focus to the heart of the matter – getting on with my diet and relieving my hunger pains.

"While I put everything away, why don't you fry some bacon and eggs," I requested. "That would taste so good with a large glass of milk."

"Is the bacon in the bag with the six cartons of cupcakes or in the small bag filled with jelly beans?"

About Me

I am an award-winning professional journalist and comedy writer. I've written for newspapers, magazines, radio, television, headlining comedians and politicians. I also do standup, inspirational speaking and acting. I'm a Texas native with a drawl that drips slower than molasses. This blog is updated each week, so please come back for a visit.