20 things that happen during every trip to Ikea

1. You start the day with a strong breakfast because you're going to need something in your stomach if you're going to survive all the excitement ahead of you.

2. You travel the 37849 hours it takes to get there because all Ikeas are in the middle of nowhere. But this is a real occasion so it's completely worth it.

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3. You wish you were a child again. Because the play area looks SO fun and it's actually quite mean that they ask for proof of age to make sure you're under 10 when you try to go in and have a little look around.

4. You decide you need to own your own home immediately. Despite the fact you've currently got £1.23 in your savings account and roughly 50% of your monthly salary goes on rent.

5. Because you want EVERYTHING. Especially that brushed cotton corner sofa. In grey. It really is such a shame you don't have a living room of your own to put it in.

6. You quickly bin the list you wrote (cute idea, but what were you thinking?) and decide to go off-piste.

7. As a result, you end up buying a collection of the most pointless things. Like enough wine glasses to open up a small bar (they're £1 each, you weren't going to turn an offer like that down) and a set of brand new chair pads, despite the fact your kitchen chairs aren't even that uncomfortable.

8. You steal one of those fun little pencils after proceeding to wear it behind your ear like a builder for the whole journey around the store.

9. You start to fully embrace the Scandi life, and even contemplate naming your first-born child Björksta after that nice range of picture frames you liked.

10. You play house. You kick back on the sofa in one of the showroom lounges, lie on some of the beds next to your boyfriend, and even have a little sit down on one of the toilets in the bathroom section. You don't go or anything, though. That would be gross.

11. You notice how many children there are in this place. Why are there so many children in this place? What kind of parents bring their children into a life-size doll's house where everything is fake but looks real and expects them NOT to want to play.

12. You decide you could probably go through life without having any childrenof your own. So. Much. Noise.

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13. You wonder when you became so aggressive after you turn round and start on the lady who just rammed her trolley into your heels. YOU CAN GET THROUGH IN A MINUTE IF YOU JUST HAVE A BIT OF PATIENCE, WOMAN.

14. You eat meatballs. So good, and so cheap. They calm you down.

15. You applaud Ikea on their strategy to make you buy things. After spending a good three hours following the maze that is the showroom section, you're practically bursting at the seams for it all to be yours by the time you get down to the marketplace shop bit. And by then you realise you've spent most of the day in Ikea and it's about to close, so you panic pick-up everything you see and only realise after leaving the check-out that you've spent £400, £9 of which was on Daim bars.

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16. You note that you've spent at least 15 times longer in there than you had intended to. When will you learn? It's like a theme park for adults, you will never be in and out in under an hour. Commit to the full day or don't go at all.

17. You get rage blackout at the checkout when the staff try to hurry you, so you end up scanning everything extra slowly just to be annoying. Look at the queues behind me, you're never getting out of here on time.

18. After initially really enjoying yourself, you quietly thank the gods above that not all shopping experiences are like this one.

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19. You remember something you forgot when you reach the car park, and spend a brief couple of seconds deliberating over whether you should go back and get it. But then you see sense and realise literally nothing is worth going through all that again so soon.

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