John Mayer Will Be Banging His Next Celebrity in T-Minus 30 Minutes

E! Online, the purveyor of single-ply entertainment news, has reported that Katy Perry and John Mayer are no longer a couple. Just yesterday they announced that Katy Perry looked like she was wearing an engagement ring from the love of her life, so I'm still having to deal with the heartbreak of their particular brand of journalism. A consensus of gossip sites with no real sources peg the breakup as being Katy's decision, with John Mayer heartbroken for at least the next few minutes he spends not boning other hot Hollywood actresses. Katy Perry really was a blip on his resume of becoming the most prolific Jewish cocksman since God stopped directly ordering Jews to be fruitful. Plus, if he had to kiss Katy Perry now that she she'd swapped spit with Miley Cyrus, it would be like he was kissing Kellan Lutz's cock. You don't want to put a ring on that.