The musings of a feminist pop culture fanatic

Previously on Glee: Santana accused Brody of being a drug dealer, but he was actually a prostitute. She told Finn and he went scary violent on Brody’s face. Rachel is in the dark about everything. Finn kissed Emma, so Will is mad at Finn. However, Finn decided to start college in the middle of the semester to become a teacher. Blaine has a crush on Sam, which they’re apparently going to bring back in this episode.

Blaine goes up to Sam in the hallway and hands him fifty bucks. Sam wonders why Blaine’s giving him all that money. Blaine explains that he saw Sam stealing food from the cafeteria and wants to help. He knows that Sam’s dad is still struggling and he wants to do his part to help. However, Sam isn’t stealing food because his family is starving. He’s stealing large quantities of macaroni because he really enjoys making macaroni art. Sam takes Blaine to see his macaroni portraits. He’s done portraits of Emma Stone, LeAnn Rimes, Ralph Macchio, the Duck Dynasty cast, and for some reason, Kurt. Blaine thanks Sam for sharing his secret. In return, Sam would like to know what Blaine’s guilty pleasure is. As he stares longingly at Sam’s lips, Blaine says that he really loves Wham. Tina pops her head in to let them know what Will is out with the flu, so practice is canceled this week. Sam makes a joke about Tina going to Mr. Schue’s house to straddle him and rub ointment on his chest. Tina is not amused. The rest of us are, though. Blaine and Sam decide to lead practice themselves.

The club comes into rehearsal, where Sam is literally twirling and jumping around with joy. They designate this as “guilty pleasure” week. Ryder asks why they’re bothering these songs if they aren’t going to consider them for regionals, but Blaine says it’s more of a team bonding thing. He goes on (for an uncomfortably long time) about how he and Sam were just chatting “like two bros do” and felt safe enough with each other to reveal their secrets. They want everyone in glee club to do the same thing. Blaine and Sam kick the week off with their rendition of Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” complete with neon 80s clothes. Best of all, though, they let Darren have his naturally curly hair for the routine. It’s so nice when his hair isn’t gelled within an inch of its life.

Brittany comes up to Kitty in the hallway and lets her know that everyone in glee club hates her. Brittany wants to help Kitty be nicer to people. To do that, she wants Kitty to come on “Fondue for Two.” Yay!!!! Brittany asks Kitty why everyone hates her so much. Kitty thinks she’s got to be doing something right, since people keep telling her all their secrets. Brittany thinks people just need to get to know Kitty more. They share various guilty pleasures with each other, including farting around old people, the Bring It On franchise, and Scientology. When it gets to Kitty’s biggest guilty pleasure, however, she refuses to tell everyone.

Back at NYADA, Kurt is in an acting class where he has to act out his most most shameful experience. In a voiceover, he tells us that he has a variety of secret shames, including marathons of 80s female powerhouse comedies like The Golden Girls or working out to Richard Simmons’ videos. However, his biggest secret shame is his “boyfriend pillow,” which is just a body pillow with an arm attached to it. Kurt says he ordered it online one night while he was on Ambien. I’m pretty sure that’s a shout out to Chris Colfer’s frequent Ambien-fueled late-night shopping. He’s tweeted several times about the stuff he doesn’t even realize he bought until it shows up at his door. It’s kind of hilarious. Anyway, the boyfriend pillow’s name is Bruce and he likes to fall asleep with its arm around him. That is both adorable and pathetic.

In the McKinley locker room, Sam asks Blaine to put on some pants and come talk to him. He goes on to say that he’s been dealing with a dark secret for a long time and he’s finally ready to share it with some one. It’s so clear that Blaine thinks Sam is about to come out and declare his love for him, but no, Sam is just a Barry Manilow fan. Dude, as the daughter of a “fanilow,” I get it. No one wants to like the music, but some of it is just so damn catchy. Blaine encourages Sam to come out as a “fanilow,” but Sam is a bit scared at the prospect.

In the hallway, Tina, Unique, and Marley confront Kitty and demand to know what her guilty pleasure is. Brittany instantly spills the beans and says that it’s Spice Girls. There’s silence for a second and then they all start screaming about how much they love the Spice Girls. Fuck yeah! That shit was the best! I still have occasional solo dance parties to their music. I ain’t ashamed. Anyway, they decide they have to do Spice Girls for glee club.

Despite the fact that Kurt and Rachel kicked Santana out last week, she is apparently back and paying one-third of the rent. Rachel says it’s only a temporary situation. They make snarky comments about their beauty products and whether they’re having the desired effect. As Rachel gets back to practicing her scales in the shower, Santana threatens Kurt that she’ll tell Rachel all about Brody’s prostituting ways. Santana and Kurt apparently have a pact that Rachel will know nothing until after her “Funny Girl” audition, but Santana’s not above breaking it. Santana says she’ll tell Rachel if Kurt doesn’t make any room for her in the bathroom. However, Santana will continue to taunt Rachel about her break-up with Brody. She wants to know why Brody broke up with Rachel, but Rachel says he didn’t even give a reason. Santana decides that she’ll cheer Rachel up by playing a prank on Kurt. She throws out ideas like “mascara mustaches” or sticking his hand in warm water to make him pee. Rachel decides to go the warm water route. As they sneak into his room area, they see an arm around him and instantly want to know what the fuck is going on. They turn on the light and see that it’s just a pillow. Rachel instantly declares it creepy. However, Kurt says he couldn’t stop thinking about the ad for it, which asked if he was lonely or in need of companionship. Since the answer to both was yes for him, he decided to buy it and let it be a protective arm around him while he sleeps. Santana says it’s safer than getting a manwhore and Rachel just wants to know if it has a name. Kurt tells him its name is Bruce and they’re “exclusive,” so Rachel can’t borrow it. I really the friendship moments between the three roommates. They’re kind of adorable.

Sam is in front of the glee club, ready to declare his love for Barry Manilow. He goes on a short spiel about how Manilow is underappreciated and a great songwriter. He puts on a vest with giant purple and black fluffy sleeves and starts singing “Copacabana.” Artie, Jake, and Ryder say that they also like Barry Manilow. Blaine says that everyone likes Barry Manilow; Sam just made it okay for everyone to also like them.

The New Directions girls are in the auditorium, deciding which Spice Girl each of them will be. There’s some talk about whether it’s racist for the black girl to be Scary Spice. Tina walks in and seems visibly shaken by something she just heard. We then cut to Marley storming the hallway toward Jake. Apparently, Jake wants to sing a Chris Brown song and Marley is hella pissed.

Blaine is in the library reading Goosebumps, for some unknown reason. People read those books past elementary school? The hell? Also, Blaine strikes me as way more of a classic literature guy. I picture him reading F. Scott Fitzgerald for fun, not R.L. Stine. Anyway, Sam comes in and says that it’s time for Blaine to come clean about his guilty pleasure. Blaine says he already did when he told Sam about Wham, but Sam’s not buying that.

The girls call Jake into the choir room where they list off all the egregious things Chris Brown has done to offend them. Jake says he knows Chris Brown is a “douche,” but the girls assure him that is not a strong enough word to describe him. Agreed. Jake says he thinks Chris Brown fits the assignment. He says he likes Chris Brown’s music, and he feels guilty about it, but just because he likes the music, it doesn’t mean he thinks Brown is a role model. He says they do songs by Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, and Rihanna, but he doesn’t think any of them are role models. He questions whether anyone should admire Rihanna for going back to someone who abuses her. My rage over that one line is enough to fill about five more blog posts. All I’ll say is that I hate all the victim blaming brought up in discussions of Rihanna. Anyway, Jake says he wants to separate the art from the person. The girls assure him that is not at all possible.

Apparently, Kurt bought Santana and Rachel their own “boyfriend pillows.” He added a boob to Santana’s to make it a “girlfriend pillow.” Rachel said she doesn’t need one because she’s not lonely. She’s also holding on to hope that she and Brody will get back together. Santana finally spills the beans and tells Rachel that Brody was a “gigolo.” When she realizes that Kurt already knew, Rachel does one of her patented storm-outs.

Back in the auditorium, Blaine is doing a beautiful rendition of Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds.” Not gonna lie, I’ve been listening to this version on repeat. He keeps looking out toward Sam, but Sam is the only one picking up on that fact, aside from maybe Artie. After the performance, the club asks who it was about, and Blaine says it was clearly for Kurt. He also goes on a spiel about how much he loves Phil Collins. A lot of Klaine fans are very angry about Blaine’s crush on Sam, but I’m actually okay with it. When he broke up with Kurt, Blaine also lost his best friend in the entire world. Even though they’re on better terms, he’s still become closer to Sam than he is to Kurt. So, you’ve got Blaine dealing with the fact that he still loves Kurt, but he’s kind of trying to move on. He builds this friendship with Sam, who is also super hot. It makes perfect sense that Blaine’s feelings for Kurt will end up directed toward Sam. We also know that when Kurt comes back to town, Blaine is instantly there and shows that he still loves him. I’ve never believed the crush on Sam was anything serious. Plus, Sam is a safe person to crush on, because Blaine knows nothing is going to happen there, since Sam is straight. It’s a classic rebound crush.

The next day in the choir room, we’ve got the ladies of New Directions performing the classic Spice Girls “Wannabe.” We’ve got Marley as Posh, Unique as Baby, Brittany as Sporty, Kitty as Ginger, and Tina as Scary. This song will never be anything less than amazing. Afterward, Sam asks how it felt to be so open about their Spice love. Artie tells Kitty that he’s never seen her look so happy to be a part of the team. They introduce their next performer, Jake. Everyone starts booing him for his love of Chris Brown. However, he says he’ll be performing a different Brown song. He then starts singing Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” Most people look like they’re getting into it, but Marley is not amused.

In the hallway, Tina is dressed as Vicki from “Small Wonders.” Kitty decides she needs to go find some normal people to talk to, but Jake comes up at that point. He acknowledges Tina as Vicki and then stops to apologize to Marley. Apparently, he didn’t know that Bobby allegedly got Whitney Houston addicted to crack, so he didn’t realize why he shouldn’t have sung a Bobby Brown song. Kitty finds it unbelievable that he knows what “Small Wonders” is, but didn’t know about Bobby & Whitney. Considering his character was probably born in 1997, I’m going to go with Kitty on this one. Tina and Kitty leave, but Jake stays to talk to Marley. Jake wants to know why it matters what two high schoolers think about Chris Brown and Rihanna, but Marley says that “every ocean starts with a single drop of water.” Jake asks if they’re okay, and they kiss and make up. I love that they actually talk to each other about stuff.

Rachel comes up to Brody and tries to pay him to have dinner. She asks what the going rate is for male hookers. Brody tells her that not everyone has “doting daddies” to pay for everything. She tells Brody that he’s a liar, but he says she’s a liar for not telling him she still loves Finn. He tells Rachel that Finn beat him up. Rachel seems surprised, but eventually comes clean and says that she did kind of use Brody to make Finn jealous and get over her own heartache. They finally declare their relationship over. Thank god! They have one final duet together, though. I don’t know why Radiohead’s “Creep” fits the situation at all. I also would not consider Radiohead to be a guilty pleasure. They’re just a pleasure.

Sam comes to find Blaine in the auditorium. They have a conversation about whether it’s okay to indulge in your guilty pleasures all the time. Blaine thinks that if they did, it would probably make people uncomfortable. Sam encourages Blaine to always be open about who he is and what he likes. Sam finally tells Blaine that he realizes Blaine has a crush on him. Sam continues to be the best friend in the entire world, though, and assures Blaine that nothing is going to change between them. They’re still besties. Sam realizes that he’s really hot and says he would be a little offended if Blaine weren’t attracted to him. Blaine is blown away that Sam is okay with him. They have probably my favorite friendship on the show. They hug and it’s adorable. There’s a moment where Sam asks what’s in Blaine’s pocket that’s pressing against him, so Blaine pulls out a roll of breathmints. An immature gag, but still funny.

Kurt and Santana are sitting with their “significant other pillows” and watching a “Facts of Life” marathon. I freaking love that show! I need to see if it’s on Netflix. Rachel comes in and fills the others in about her official break-up with Brody. They have a quick chat about her feelings, before everyone in New York and Ohio breaks into ABBA’s “Mamma Mia.” I’m okay with this episode ending with a big musical number like this because it didn’t bring the episode to a screeching halt like the past couple episodes did.