I am back in that weird place again...
Didn't want to start a new thread so I am just writing in this one instead.

I never *wanted* to be a boy when I was little. It was just the way I was, the way I played, the way I socialized with other children. It was the way I felt and experienced the world. And the time (during childhood) I was doing best mentally was actually when I lived with my father who did normal boy things with me. We went fishing, we fixed bikes, we stripped wires (he was collecting the copper to sell it), we rode his motor bike, etc. He treated me like the boy I was inside and although my father is really an asshole, this was the one thing he did right.
Nowadays I am hurting because there is no way people will ever treat me according to gender. I did not come out (apart from here and to my husband) and I cannot initiate my transition (for many reasons). So for me personally, I am stuck and will stay stuck. My only little victory is that the people on this forum and my husband do encourage me to drop the act and be myself. And that is certainly what I started doing.

And here is another thing. My husband and I talked at some point and he is starting to take my more serious on this topic but I think he still doesn't understand how important and difficult this is for me. He thinks I just like men's clothing or whatever. He cannot wrap his head around this concept I think. He said something a few times which was that if I were to transition, I'd be kind of a gay guy. And so at some point I called him out on it and told him to stop saying that because I am not gay. He explained that he meant the way I would be and that people just call some behaviours on men gay. Not in an insulting way but just to describe a certain type of behaviour. I know what he means of course. There are straight men where I could say they are gay and not mean their sexual orientation.
Well I know that there are certain things that I like and do that are in the "feminine" bucket. For example I enjoy decorating the house.
I explained that I know that I have some "female" traits and pointed out that he has them too.
He said that he thinks if I transitioned then I would probably overcompensate and be overly manly for a while but at some point I'd fall back into my normal me. And I agree actually. I'd probably try to make up for lost time and then settle down after a while. It's probably normal.
I don't know. Sometimes he seems to get it, sometimes it seems like he thinks I am going through a phase. 32 year long phase I guess. He never said that it is a phase but sometimes he just seems to act that way. This or I am just really touchy on that subject by now.

Quick question for the forum - are there any other active transgender people here at the moment?

Here's a video from a transperson about their early experience transitioning, hopefully it helps:

Quote:From there we got into trans "issues" a little bit. About the fact that many transgender people feel like they want to transitions. He said he knows a few more and they all want to transition and they all want to have surgery. I told him that I don't want either of those procedures because I feel no need to have such invasive procedures done to my body just because otherwise society doesn't accept who and how I am. In short, society being the moving force by pretty much bullying people into transitioning instead of accepting them the way they are. (I could write novels about everything that is wrong with society... )

Some people wish to transition, and some people don't. And then of course the options - surgery or no surgery - hormone replacement, etc, are different for different people. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have hormone therapy, and nothing wrong with not wanting to have it - and just as you've mentioned people should absolutely not be pressured into these choices. It is something I worry about - if a physician diagnoses a patient with gender dysphoria and then recommends a course of action. I think as you've just put it, it's really something that people need to be fully informed about, and then given their choices without any suggestion that hormone therapy, etc, is the "right course of action". Transpeople could explain this much better than I can, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Quote:I have spent the vast majority of my life, trying to conform so that society has no problem with me but at this point I do not want to act woman anymore.

Social stigma is really something, unfortunately, completely out of your control - I hope you can surround yourself with supportive people.

Quote:I just want to be me and would love if people could accept that without pointing fingers. I can be me inside, behind closed doors. My husband knows my me and he is happy with it. It is a very uncomplicated life behind closed doors. My save haven.
But outside?
Female clothing, female rituals, female chit chat, etc. I just don't want it anymore, I don't want to act any longer.

Yep you're between a rock and a hard place. Either conform to social norms, or be stigmatised for standing out.

Quote:What I would need some tips for (if anybody has some) is... Well how do I not stand out with changes. I am mostly concerned about work. Although my company is VERY accepting and inclusive for these kind of things. I still feel a bit anxious. I don't want to stand out at all. If I start changing more than just my wardrobe at work, it will look odd won't it. They will think I have suddenly gone insane or something.

If your workplace is supportive, perhaps talk to your boss about and see if he or she will agree that any workplace bullying and discrimination will not be tolerated?

Quote:Also I want to change my doctor/gynecologist because mine is a disaster and and certainly not open to transgender issues. Just I don't know if I have to give her a reason when I pick up my file and if I have to give a reason at whatever doctor I choose, when I bring my file....

Do you have to do that? In Australia, if you go to a new surgery they can have the file sent to them.

Quote:I have been at the brink of just deleting this and moving on several times now but I think it is one step towards not acting something I am not, so I will not delete it.
Hovering over the "post thread" button at least five times without clicking it. I don't know why it is so difficult. I am so straight forward with things and never really care. But somehow with this one it is different... It makes things official doesn't it...
... stop stalling Leela! ...
*sigh* ok, clicking it...

cheers

Thanks for sharing, and all the best with it. I hope it's not as tough for you as you imagine it will be!

I agree with (I think it was) Cactus--who mentioned making small changes to start, if you think making big ones right away would stress you out. I also agree with everyone who said "Be you." You do what makes you happy. Live your truth. Like FC said, we get one life, you make it how *you* want it to be. If people don't like it, fuck 'em When you are in your eighties looking back on your life, do you want to say "I did what others would prefer" or "I lived my life on my own terms?"