My journey to the land of vegetables

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It’s a hazy Sunday (in my brain, not outside where it is actually quite lovely!) and I have just a minute to make three notes on my Whole30 journey.

1. I love my fridge. Not the actual mechanics of it – though they are are perfectly adequate – but the way it looks when I open it up. Immediately in my face are two huge plastic cartons of greens, and then a quick scan registers in my brain just produce, some meat, eggs, various leftovers and farm milk for my boys. It looks so happy and clear and devoid of the crap it used to house. I know it is not “perfect” by any stretch, but man it looks so much healthier than it used to look and that makes me feel great.

2. Maybe Whole30 was right about “paleo” breads and such. I don’t know. I still don’t buy into the reasoning behind avoiding certain foods merely because they make us think of other foods. If the actual ingredients are acceptable by Whole30 standards, then the food is automatically acceptable by yours truly. But last night I did make a paleo pizza crust for us – nothing but Whole30 ingredients – and I was soooo proud when we sat to eat. It tasted much better than the last attempt at “pizza” and felt like a treat even though it was perfectly within the bounds of the challenge. Totally worth the effort! But sure enough, today I am really paying a price. I can’t be 100% sure it’s the pizza that did me in, since it also had ground pork (which I’m not confident I have ever consumed before) and I did eat till I was VERY full. Plus, I passed out shortly after eating, rather than the couple of hours later that I was “supposed” to. But in my heart, I know somehow it was the pizza – maybe just too much almond meal in my body? I felt pretty crummy upon wakeup and so far today, at 1pm, the only food I have been able to choke down has been one single carrot – and that was just because I wanted to see if eating would make me feel any better. I’m going to have to really keep an eye on this stuff.

3. Women are ridiculous. Not me, of course! I just mean women in general and our obsession with weight. I saw my mother yesterday and the Whole30 challenge was not a surprise to her – I had seen her the week before and already explained the what/why/how. At the time, she had invisibly rolled her eyes and silently shot energy waves at me to get over myself and my “healthy eating.” Yet yesterday, she must’ve recognized a slight slimness in my frame and realized that Whole30 *could* be a way to drop a couple of pounds. I still maintain that I have lost next to nothing – *possibly* as much as 5lbs (though it really all depends on the minute I choose to step on the scale), but more likely 2-3lbs. Miniscule. I have noticed that my clothes fit a little looser and some dresses I ordered to try on for an upcoming celebration were all too big. So yes, I think I’ve slimmed a tiny bit. But nothing drastic by any measure. Yet, when my mother saw me and saw that I looked a little trimmer, she threw a backhanded compliment my way, “I love you, but, you’ve really lost too much weight. You are just too skinny.” This is NOT ACTUAL CONCERN. First of all, I am nowhere near the stick-and-bones anyone would be worried about. Second of all, when a woman says “You are too skinny” or “You’ve lost too much weight” what they really mean to say is, “Oh! You’ve slimmed down a bit! Something you are doing is working and I am jealous! I want to do it, too!” Sure enough, she kept up her “concern face” long enough to grill me about the specifics of our diet, what we are eating for meals, and how she might adopt changes. I guess that’s what I wanted back when I asked “Will the Weight Matter,” but really the whole thing is insane. If a guy said to another guy “Dude, you’ve lost too much weight” there would be no hidden compliment or agenda in there. He’d be expressing concern. If a woman says that, the recipient is supposed to glow with pride and thank the concerned citizen, followed by a declaration of just how wrong she is and how really, it’s nothing, I’ve actually gained weight and it’s disgusting how much I eat. Sigh.

Ok. I’m a crank today. Hormones or tiredness or stress, who knows. Point is, I’m totally over this “not a diet but a diet-like lifestyle.” I’m struggling to see the rosiness of the big picture when the small picture is so dull and grainy. It’s Day 8 and I have yet to see even one benefit from this challenge. Do I understand that it will take time to reset the body? Sure. Do I recognize that this is a positive life choice forever? Absolutely. Do I want to continue? Not one bit. But I will.

Everything is hard. After a couple of years, I had just gotten into a kind of groove lately with cooking. I was able to get a nice meal on the table for our early-bird special almost every night, and even when it was stressful or time-crunched, I took pride in the fact that we could sit down together because of my weekly planning and daily prep. Now? Out the window, I have to learn everything all over again. I have zero “go to” recipes, no parts can be pre-made, and the ingredients I’m allowed to use are way more limited and many of them still missing from my pantry. I don’t feel like I have the time or energy to re-learn everything, and hate that I have to spend so much time reading again, searching for recipes, grocery shopping on a twice-a-day basis. My husband rocked out dinners last week, but I knew that wasn’t sustainable. He’s got work to do and the whole point of nap time (which has been veeerrryyyy limited lately, sigh) and night-before-time and crockpot-time is that I should be able to get it done even with two wild, fighting boys begging for attention. But I still don’t have a plan for tomorrow and I HATE feeling unprepared, like setting my alarm for a shoot without knowing where I’m going to get a camera.

And even with the changes, the new time stresses and the not-that-hard-suck-it-up meal prepping, I STILL wouldn’t be so grouchy if my body seemed to be enjoying this even a little! But I still have no increased energy (if anything, I’m more tired), my body still feels blargy (I would’ve bet ANYTHING that after a week of ‘food detox’ I would feel great), and — as I was thrilled to mention the other day — I haven’t lost an ounce. Possibly gained. And I still haven’t had any chocolate. WTF WHOLE 30???

I considered while chowing on my meat+oil lunch today (yes, there were veggies too but that’s not my point) that there is no way I will lose weight on this challenge. I don’t feel any lighter/leaner and, while I KNOW this is “against the rules” (which you know I am so fond of) I figured I’d peek and see if my suspicions were accurate. Sure enough, the scale tonight read almost 1/2lb MORE than when I started on Monday. Of course it does! Every meal I eat is protein-packed and heavy, there is always a drizzle of oil. And while I appreciate the food challenge for what it is and for what it will hopefully do for me and my family, I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about possible weight loss. Who wouldn’t be?

Whole30 is about changing lifestyle, about eating natural foods and removing all the harsh, processed, chemical-laden versions that are so easy to come by – the foods that could be making us chronically ill. I’m thrilled beyond belief to be doing the research, learning how to cook differently, finding where the local farms are to buy produce. I want every day past this one and past the next 24 to be similarly nutrient-rich. BUT. It is also hard to spend 30 days (hard to spend 6 days!) without chocolate, without bread, without yogurt, without honey – without things that can be pretty wholesome and pretty natural. People I tell about this “diet” all commend me for my willpower, all shake their heads thinking they could never (would never want to) do it, and then all assume I will emerge from this thing looking like a stunted Heidi Klum. Shouldn’t I get that reward for the “hard work”? Why shouldn’t I want people to see me and think, “whatever she is doing, I want to do it.” Or at least, “whatever she is doing, it must be hard!”

I do want the ultimate prize being dangled – to feel my best, for me & my husband to be relieved of our various ailments, to be on path to a healthier and longer future. Of course that is paramount. I believe in the time frame (though hard) to reset our bodies and to really see afterwards WHICH of those aforementioned foods can be reintroduced and WHICH should be banished for good. But I also am feeling a little discouraged that for all this prepping, shopping, cooking, learning, children-ignoring and chocolate-avoiding that there is no obvious sign yet that my body is the least bit happy about it.

The one other time in my life that I actually tried a diet was South Beach – meant to be 2 weeks of similarly restrictive menu. Now, I was childless and in my 20s then, so take this with a grain of salt. But I had to stop after one week because I had lost *too much* weight too quickly. I remember vividly feeling that energy burn, like my body was just flying through food. It was great and made me feel really alive and healthy, with a strong metabolism. This food challenge? Six days in and I still feel a bit bloated and heavy, still am having trouble being hungry for meals and wondering when it is going to change. And tired of feeling a little foolish when I have to refuse the birthday cake, explain why, and then get an “up-and-down” look that says, “well, I guess you just started.”