Jokes

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in anursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong."Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today,and I am very sad."Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept mycondolences." The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?""Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

there was a carpenter in a church and he was on a ladder hammering a nail into the ceiling...the hammer head fell off and the carpenter said "what de f*** wrong wid this thing". the pastor came and then said why are u cursing for young lad...he said i cursing becose the hammer head keeps falling off. The pastor then said wen it falls off control ur anger and say priase jesus christ. So the carpenter was hammering and the pastor came it the room and the hammer head fell off, the carpenter said praise jesus christ and the hammer head float up back into the hammer stick and the pastor said how de f*** that just f***ing happen oh f***

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see theobstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm alittle upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.""Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have blackhair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the genepool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted "This can't be. Our familieson both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said thedoctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed abit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the pastyear. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there youhave it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates andsuitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautifuldining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle ofspring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited afew half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of thecurtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with

his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in toset off gas canisters, during which they had to move o ut for a few and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they couldnot find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to returntheir calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank topurchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely andsaid that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing toreduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on aprice that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but onlyif she were to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on aprice that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watchedthe moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........