I don’t mean to pick on just one store, because there must be many others like it (like Petit Tresor and The Frog and the Princess). But within its catalog is a level of opulence ludicrous to aim at children — especially toddlers and babies.

Sure, little Emma or Ethan needs somewhere to put the Beatrix Potter collection, but does it need to look like furniture out of Versailles? “Rhinestones optional.” Shudder.

While thrifty moms are passing high chairs, bassinets, strollers, and baby bouncers between then — because children quickly grow out of these items, and it’s wasteful to buy them all brand new — people who watch too much Toddlers & Tiaras are willing to spend more than $2,500 on a vine-covered cradle, $960 on a wooden high-chair, $1,000 on a laundry hamper, $445 on a garbage can, and $500 on a pair of throw pillows. (There shouldn’t even be pillows anywhere near baby, especially not in the crib, when they’re so little). Meanwhile — and I’ll spare you the ‘save the world’ shpiel — millions of people in the world don’t have access to clean drinking water. ‘Nuff said.

Presuming your baby wasn’t born clutching controlling shares to the silver spoon factory, would a little kid really appreciate the value of a handcrafted $2,800 toy chest? Rich or poor, I’m guessing his ideal scenario likely involves fingerpaints and an incredibly sticky grape-flavoured popsicle. If you’ve ever seen a kid rip open an expensive present, only to play with the box, it’s obvious that capturing a kid’s attention is not directly proportional to the cost of the item.

Furthermore, just because you shelled out $700 for a footstool for the tyke, it does not mean your kid will tread more carefully around it. It’s just as likely your toddler will colour it with markers or bulldoze it out of the way with the same fervor as if it were a $5 plastic stool from IKEA, resulting in some, uh, disharmonious family moments. And, who in her right mind would put a chandelier in a kid’s room? That’s not just inviting disaster, that’s sending a car over to disaster’s house and hand-delivering a monogrammed invitation.

Some of these itty bitty luxuries are also about as practical as a wingless airplane. How about $2,400 crib bedding with “drycleaning recommended?” The designer has obviously never observed a baby in action for more than a nanosecond. Or, a $268 cashmere sweater set for baby. “You’re never too young to enjoy the finer things in life,” the description says. Uh, yes — yes you are. Babies spit up, and their noses run, and they drool. Diaper technology is not foolproof. If you really loved cashmere, you wouldn’t do that to it.

I don’t really know what a tuffet is, but you can place your Miss Muffet on one for the meager price of $1,310. “Also suitable as seatig (sic) for a little princess,” the site gushes. Let’s hope that princess grows up learning to spell, and type. Possibly not, if she already believes she’s better than the teacher.

Prince Toddler’s fiefdom isn’t limited to inside the house, either. For just tens of thousands of dollars — mere pocket change for most of us — the precious wee’uns can go summering in their own mini-manors, some of which cost more than some humble folk’s actual grown-up houses.

But don’t worry — running around the Victorian Playhouse and Oakmont Manor won’t instill any elitist stereotypes in your impressionable little darlings. And your sweet daughters are sure to be models of humility after slumbering nightly in their princess castle beds — practically a steal at $47,000.

What bothers me is the motivation prompting parents and others to splurge so unnecessarily on kids. First, they believe they can buy a kid’s love. That won’t work, because little kids have no concept of the value of money. Ask one how much she thinks you paid for your house, or your car, or two litres of milk, and the answer is almost always always off by a factor of 100,000.

Second, anyone who is willing to pay $700 for a stool or $50,000 for an armoir is most likely doing it so they can brag to some other rich person about how much the unnecessary item cost, not to support the amazing work of a craftsperson. Get a life. Even worse are people who unquestionably cannot afford such luxuries, yet bury themselves in debt to create the appearance that they can. Now that’s an efficient way to jeopardize your children’s future.

Third, if you’re really rich, are you buying your kid these things in lieu of spending time with them? I’m guessing most children would rather play a cheap board game with mum and dad than be showered with gifts from an absentee parent who won’t dignify him with his company.

And when the children who drool on their cashmere sweaters and whose diapers leak on $2,400 sheets become aware of the messages such luxuries send, they also grow rich with a sense of entitlement and superiority.

I’m not saying, don’t splurge on your children, or make them feel special, or valued. However, I can think of approximately 705 better ways to do it, such as, investing in their education, taking them on an unforgettable international trip, or setting an example by donating your surplus millions to someone more needy.

No ornate mirrored dressing table or diamond-encrusted dribble bib will ever replace reading your kid a story, throwing a ball in the park, or wandering out for an ice cream.

What’s the most ridiculous baby or kids’ item you’ve ever seen for sale?

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