Army Plans 'Dad Bod' Physical Standards For Males With Dependents

“In past decades we’ve adjusted for gender and age, and now we’re looking at other factors,” said Army spokesman Maj. Rod Larson, while clicking through a BuzzFeed slideshow including pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Sandler at the beach. “Meet the Dependent Authorized-Duty Body, or ‘DADBOD’ for short.”

The modified standards allow for an unlimited waist size and slower running speeds, but still require enough upper-body strength to whoop a younger man’s ass.