Season 3: Eastbound & Down Chapter 20

Kenny Powers Lines

Cause I’m mature enough now to give my own self a hiatus. Now that I’m a changed man, and humbled, and ready to be a part of a team, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get back into the good graces of the Mermen...

These are the most memorable Kenny Powers lines from this episode, and also include readings from the new audiobook that Kenny did himself the favor of pre-writing, called “I’m F*cking Back.”

This is my son, who I’m now proud of. Check him out guys, my child. I have a f*ckin’ kid, yo. Look into his eyes you faggots. Look at him...

I don’t really see how I will redeem myself as team leader in front of everyone if I’m gonna be sittin’ on the bench...

I don’t give a f*ck about the sensitivity of orientals. I’m a father now...

Alright, well if you two f*ckin’ hob-knobs are done laughin’ and gigglin’, I’ve got to feed this motherf*cker, that is my son...

Well, maybe it’s high time you looked for another line of work — maybe you could be a telescope operator...

Dude, make sure these doors are locked at all times — it’s black bike weekend...

Selling oranges, huh? So she’s regressed back to her natural state. Next thing you know she’s gonna be in a Home Depot parking lot looking for f*ckin’ construction jobs...

You need to buck up, alright? I gotta bunch of black dudes tryin’ to kill me. You don’t see me makin’ a goddamn collage about it...

Yeah, the city turned you into a little f*ckin’ angry slut. It happens to alot of people...

Stevie, your own sexual appetite has dug you into this hole. So unfortunately it’s going to be up to you to dig yourself out. All I can do is, perhaps help you find a new set of eyebrows...

Ivan, I was laughing just then to prove to you a point. I’ve matured. I’ve learned that it’s alright to admit when you’re wrong. I’m sorry I ruined your DJ gig on the Fourth of July, and burned down Club Celebrations. I didn’t mean to do that...

Stevie, you weak motherf*cker, you listen to me right now. You have made an ass ton of stupid choices in Myrtle Beach, but this is the moment of truth. Now is not the time to lay on the floor like a bald f*cking baby. Now is the time to be a f*cking man...

I’m sorry I took your eye. I’m pretty sure I feel sad about it too...

Mermen, behold me. I come to you in your darkest hour of need, with my son and a secret weapon. This man is Reg Mackworthy, and he’s our brand new catcher...

Skip, these f*cking redneck Ruckus fans may intimidate Ivan’s rookie ass, but they don’t scare me. I get f*cking power from this. I can use their rage and f*cking harness it! Put me in, you c*cksucker!!!

Don’t take it personally, alright? Franchise star players are a lot like Highlanders, there can only be one...

Power from my son, and power from Ivan’s failure ... This one’s for you, Shane Dog ... You’re f*ckin’ out!!!

But if I was you I’d remove those braids. Toby hates all hippy bullsh*t...

That’s a toy that I made for him. It’s a fake T-rex with a dildo crammed up its asshole. It’s one of Toby’s favorites. When you turn it on, it moves — Dildosaurus Rex...

But I’ve rose to the occasion, and I have become the best father that has ever existed...

And also, he doesn’t like cartoon shows. He prefers military action war films, and teenage oriented horror flicks...

What for? I mean it’s not like I’m going to miss him or anything. What’s there to miss? Dookie diapers, his chubby little cheek face, his gross baby breath that he breathes on your neck as he falls asleep gently on your chest. F*ck that noise. I’m good...

Chapter Ten. F*ck Yeah.

There’s no better feeling than winning. Dealing your opponent the death blow, then standing over his lifeless body as the world around you leaps to their feet, falling all over each other, to get a taste of your hero’s jizzm. The immature man revels in such adulations...

The mature man however, celebrates not. Because he knows that every victory is just a pre-cursor to another f*cked up test.