H4HK FAQs are designed to answer questions kids and teens ask when facing difficult situations and circumstances in their lives.

Divorce is hard, and as a child divorce you may wonder if anyone else understands what you are going through. Well, the answer is yes…and….no!

Unfortunately, lots of kids each year experience the divorce of their parents. In fact, since 1972 roughly one million kids per year, or more, have seen their parents divorce (sometimes more than once). Forty percent of children under the age of 18 do not live with their married biological (or adoptive) mom and dad (that’s 2 out of every five people under the age of 18).

So, the answer to the question, “Am I the only one going through this?” is no. There are lots of other kids who are also experiencing the divorce of their parents each year. Chances are you have cousins or friends or neighbors or schoolmates whose parents are divorced. Plus, the divorce rate (that is the number of people getting divorced) has been high for years. That means there are also tons of adults out there who went through the divorce of their parents when they are kids. Many of these adults can relate to what you are going through, and have the experience to help you in your own journey.

So, there are lots of other people who know what it is like when parents divorce. But, only you understand what it is like for YOUR parents to get divorced. While other people may understand what it’s like to have divorced parents, only you live in your skin each day and know what is going on in your mind and in your heart. Find a trusted adult or friend to talk to about those thoughts and feelings. Keeping all of that inside doesn’t help you or your parents or anyone else. Just because there are a lots of children of divorce doesn’t mean that anyone knows exactly what you are going through unless you tell them!

Not all coping mechanisms are positive. Today I’d like to discuss a negative coping mechanism often used by kids in dealing with negative emotions.

What is Burying the Box?

Children and adults often use a wide range of coping mechanisms to deal with difficult situations. One such coping mechanisms that kids often employ is known as “Burying the Box” of feelings. Burying the Box is all about disguising the impacts of difficult emotions by putting on a “happy face” and an air of confidence to the outside world.

Just because someone has a smile on their face and seems to be fine doesn’t mean that’s actually the case. As discussed in my last article, children generally have little control over their own surroundings. This results in them using coping mechanisms that aren’t always particularly healthy. I often see it in clients (especially those aged 13-18) who will laugh off their experiences as if they don’t matter and have discernible impact on them.

Underneath the confidence though is a young person putting up their guard and not allowing anyone to come too close. They build these false walls telling people telling people “I’m fine” or “My day was ok thanks” rather than dealing with the underlying emotions. You will soon realise these statements come with little detail or support. A kid who is Burying the Box will appear as though they are soaring with confidence to their peers while totally shutting off the people who know what they have been through. This is because they want to minimize the risk of having to talk about their actual feelings.

The Elephant Noise Maker is a fun and useful tool for teaching kids deep breathing techniques. Deep breathing is a key coping skill and one of the Soothing Coping Skills covered in Please Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.

In the past we have drawn a picture of an elephant on a piece of heavy paper or cardboard to create our elephant noise makers. With this new template you can either use the picture to trace on something more durable or simply cut the elephant out and use the template itself.

Here’s are the instructions:

1.Cut out the elephant from the template. Either trace the elephant on to heavy duty paper or cardboard if desired or use the elephant from the template.

Grief and worry can often leave young people feeling all alone and isolated. The Shield of Strength is a fun craft and activity to get kids thinking about their own assets and other people in their lives that can be there to help them when they need it the most. You can click on the picture above to get a downloadable template for the Shield of Strength as well as the instructions.

Here’s how it works:

Draw a shield pattern like the one above on a large piece of cardboard or poster board.

Divide the shield into four sections by drawing a horizontal and vertical line.

Label the four quadrants as “Family,” “Friends,” “Skills” and “Others.”

Cut the shield out.

Write people or skills/abilities in each section that can help to protect you or help you feel better when you’re feeling down.

Keep the shield as a reminder that you are never alone in the struggles and difficulties that you face.

Instead of making a large shield, you can use the template on the following page to create a smaller version.

A Scream Box is a fun and effective way to vent some of those intense emotions that build up inside like anger, fear and stress. While breathing, physical activity and talking about it are great ways to help deal difficult emotions, sometimes you just need to scream! Handled correctly, this can be a therapeutic way to vent some of that frustration. Screaming however is not always socially acceptable or appropriate. That’s where the Scream Box comes in handy.

The pictures in this article are of a scream box my 13 year-old daughter made.

You can decorate your box however you want, but here are the basic steps:

1. Gather up the following ingredients: – Cereal box (preferably an empty one). – Cardboard tube from inside a roll of paper towels. – Old newspaper or packing paper (regular paper or tissue paper can also work) – Tape (duct tape works best, but packing tape will also suffice) – Construction paper or wrapping paper to cover the cereal box – Items to decorate your box (markers, pencils, stickers, glitter or whatever you want to use)

About the Book

The Invisible String is a wonderful story meant to help kids who are feeling the anxiety, loneliness and hurt of being separated from someone they love.

Who Is This Book For?

This book is aimed primarily at elementary aged kids, but the story is universal and I can see older kids, teens and adults finding comfort in the story presented in this book. Whether the child has been separated from their loved one for short time (if suffering separation anxiety), a long distance (as in a divorce) or permanently (as in the case of death), the message presented in this book will help the child to remember that no matter the distance, they are still connected to their loved one by love.

Our Synopsis of the Book

You might think that the anger and target practice probably shouldn’t go together. However, when it comes to kids taking some target practice can be an effective way of both venting anger and discussing a child’s anger with them so they can explain it better. Here is how this great idea, which we found originally on Little Birdie Secrets, works:

Draw a series of concentric circles on a large sheet of paper or white board to create a target. You can have the child make their own target if you have some time and let them decorate it however they want.

Have them write or draw things on the target that make them angry. As they do, talk to them about each item and how they’ve dealt with that anger in the past.

Have the child throw something at the target. Anything soft will do – you don’t want to break anything, but the physical activity of throwing something also helps to alleviate anger. Foam balls are a great option. I use the puffer balls shown below. I got a dozen of them on Amazon for around $10 and use them for a variety of activities.

Just Breathe is an awesome short film from Julie Bayer Salzman & Josh Salzman that offers a kids’ perspective on anger and big emotions and how to deal with them.

They describe the video as follows:

The inspiration for “Just Breathe” first came about a little over a year ago when I overheard my then 5-year-old son talking with his friend about how emotions affect different regions of the brain, and how to calm down by taking deep breaths — all things they were beginning to learn in Kindergarten at their new school, Citizens of the World Charter School, in Mar Vista, CA. I was surprised and overjoyed to witness first-hand just how significant social-emotional learning in an elementary school curriculum was on these young minds…

As a filmmaker, I am always interested in finding a subject worthy of filming, and I felt strongly that Mindfulness was a necessary concept to communicate visually. Thankfully my husband, who happens to be my filmmaking partner, agreed. We made “Just Breathe” with our son, his classmates and their family members one Saturday afternoon. The film is entirely unscripted – what the kids say is based purely on their own neuro-scientific understanding of difficult emotions, and how they cope through breathing and meditation. They, in turn, are teaching us all …

It’s important to teach kids ways that they can calm down when they are angry or anxious or stressed out. In the heat of overwhelming emotions though, it’s easy for kids to forget the methods you have taught them. That’s why if you work with kids, it useful to have a jar full of cool down cubes, and it’s simple too!

Just buy some plastic ice cubes. I got mine from Five Below after the Fourth of July.

Write various calm down techniques on the cubes (one per cube). Permanent marker works best. We’ve included a list of the techniques we put on the cubes below.

Put the cubes in a jar. We used an old peanut jar, but anything large enough that a child can reach their hand in will work. Decorate the jar however you want.

Whenever the child you are working with upset, encourage them to go to the Calm Down Jar, pick one cube out and use the technique on the cube to calm down. If that doesn’t work encourage them to pick another cube.

Feel free to engage in the activity with the child, and when they have calmed down use the opportunity to talk about what’s bothering them.

Here are some of the calm down techniques we put on our cubes (feel free to make up your own):

Stress is a huge issue for all kids in our society today. The levels of stress amongst children from disrupted homes though is through the roof. Dealing with things like fighting parents, complex schedules, new homes, new family members, stressed out parents, packed schedules and so much more can leave kids and teens from disrupted homes with lots a stress and little time. One simple solution which works amazing well with younger kids (though you may be surprised how well it can work with older kids too) is a simple container of bubbles. Here are a couple of ideas of how to use bubbles to help kids deal with stress.

Visualization With Bubbles

Bubbles are a great way to help kids visualize their emotions. Whether they are experiencing anger, stress, fear or other emotions, encourage the children to visualize each bubble as a negative emotion and watch it float away. Talk about the things that are stressing them out and encourage them to release those things in the bubbles as they float away. For younger children, allow them to stomp on the bubbles as they land on the ground. In addition to being a good visual reminder of letting things go rather than keeping them buried inside, the process of blowing the bubbles also encourages deep breathing.