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I am baffled by fashion these days. Back when I was 19 and 107 lbs., I was obsessed with fashion. I don’t have much of a defense, seeing as this was the mid-90s and grunge had just hit the scene; it’s not like it was a particularly high point for style. Yet, there I was, devouring every new Vogue and Elle and W and trying to do my eyeliner in just the right shade of heroin chic. Well, actually, I was a Goth, but who’s counting? I had fashion sense, is my point, and fashion? It made sense to me.

I’m the one on the right, smiling like I want to bite someone.

Now, not so much. I was in Old Navy today (yes, style mavens of the world, take note) and so many of the outfits were just…horrendous. Bell-bottoms – excuse me, Wide Legs – are in again? Smocked tops? Are we bringing back the 60s? And yes, again, because I do realize that fashion recycles but man, wasn’t it just a couple of years ago that we were all woo hoo, bell-bottoms? It was; it was somewhere in the vicinity of 1998, when Levis had the “The world is wide open” campaign, with the Tainted Love commercial and the one with the David Cassidy song.

And now I realize: 1998? Not a couple of years ago. I am old. And you damn kids with your strange clothes and your loud music had better stay off my lawn.

Ditto. And just when, exactly, did it become appropriate to wear low-rise pants with rolls of back fat hanging over the sides and a Seriously Pregnant belly hanging over the front *with* a spandex halter top and fuzzy magenta slippers? Look, I’ve got nothing against these things in moderation, singly, when it’s apparant that you have the bod for it. 10 months pregnant with back fat rolls is not the bod for this outfit.

It seems that this fashion choice is the “in” thing here. It makes me want to pull out a fashion police badge and start issuing fines.