A decade of psychiatric misdiagnosis: reconstruction and reconciliation

Doubt

These last few weeks, OK, really the entire summer, have been challenging around here. Nothing big; we simply overbooked. My wife and I have both been in and out of town for work trips (enjoyable, but tiring), and in between we’ve had at least 4 rounds of friend/family visits. I also had two big deadlines in July. It’s all really good stuff, but we’re stretched and tired, and neither of us have been sleeping quite enough. During the last week of July, I was solo-parenting, while on a big deadline, just before I was going to leave town for several weeks in August. The week actually went fine, great even. The work got done. I got time with my daughter before my long trip. But I also shorted myself on sleep by at least an hour each night.

Once past my deadline on Friday, I started thinking about my trip, which was only about 70 miles from home, and got it into my head that I wanted to bike to the institute where I am now. I really wanted to have my bike here with me, but it was going to be nearly impossible to take the bike on the bus. Instead I decided to take the bike-friendly commuter train as far out as possible, and then ride the last 35 miles. I bike every single day for work and errands, but I’d never done a ride that long. Accomplishing this required rustling up some panniers to borrow from a neighbor, purchasing some rain gear, a pump and groceries, giving my bike a much needed cleaning and oiling (and laying on of hands…I wasn’t completely convinced of its ability to make the trip), and packing, culling, and repacking my junk into the panniers. It was a lot to do during the 30-ish hours that both my wife and I were home, but it did get done, and my wife, bless her, though it was a great idea and was all for helping me get everything together. She could have been annoyed that I made a big project during our last day together for some time, but instead, she jumped right in and helped me troubleshoot and plan.

The ride was extremely enjoyable. The weather was beautiful. The bike held up fine. As I sailed down the quiet backroads I found myself wondering why I had never done this before. It was a wonderful feeling of independence and empowerment; I had everything I needed on my one little bike, alone with my thoughts as I sailed through the countryside.

But on the night before I left, as I went out to buy a rain jacket, a portable bike pump, and snacks for the road, a bit short on sleep and excited over my impending adventure, I had a sudden stab of panic. There I was, impulsively deciding to bike a long distance, alone, on a rather rickety bike, with hardly any time to prepare, and then I went off and spent a bunch of money (I should clarify, that “a bunch” of money in our house is defined as anything more than $30. We are extremely frugal). Was I being “bipolar”?

In the years I’ve been extracting myself from this psychiatric mess, I’ve trained myself not to interpret every bad day as depression. It has been really hard learn not to treat every slightly negative emotion as a sign of illness. I’ve had less practice at re-interpreting those energized or excited feelings. This probably has a lot to do with the reality of my life. When you have a toddler and a job, life is really very day in and day out. There isn’t a lot to get super excited about. An adventure is a trip to the neighborhood swimming pool. It’s all wonderful, but there isn’t a lot of drama. The night before I left, I told my wife the back of my mind worry. She pointed out that people go on long bike trips all the time, that I’ve been talking about doing such a trip for months, and that $70 on practical gear does not constitute reckless spending. Perhaps the fact that I would have reported this as a ‘symptom’ 6 years ago says more about how I (and my doctors) over-interpreted events in my life, than about my current state of mind. And yes, of course everything is fine. I’m enjoying my work program. I’m sleeping fine (of course, not having to wake up at 5:30 with the kid helps!). I guess I just need to have a few more adventures so I can learn to reinterpret anticipation and energy as the normal part of life that they are.

4 Responses

The bike ride sounds lovely. Good for you for going ahead with it and not letting your anxiety get the better of you.
I can relate to pathologizing every little nuance of mood…it took a while for me to get out of that habit after I quit the meds. I can also relate to having less practice interpreting the energized and excited times, especially when you are parenting a small child!

Thanks Gianna and Jazz. The bike ride was indeed wonderful. I was thinking the whole time that we really have to get a tandem bike and do this for a real vacation sometime. It had been so long since I did something truly new, just for fun. I found myself wondering what else I can do, that I just haven’t tried.

I think that bike ride sounds fantastic, freeing and it is not bipolar at all, it is a woman taking life and enjoying a time to really be free and at one with self. How many times, I want to just get on a bike and ride free like that. I think you actually did something many people wish they could or did! Though I do understand the questioning of it as a ‘symptom’ like you described might have happened in the past. I’ve done that also (with my batting down of the BP2 dx)because I came up with other answers for terms, such as “impulsive” I say that is spontaneous; etc. I actually was looking at my bike the other day and the tires are flat. You’ve inspired me. Thanks!