Medical Provider: Hello. Thanks for calling BADHEALTHCARE. All representatives are busy. Your approximate wait time is … one minute.

(Jeopardy music plays)

Bored Voice: Hello, thank you for calling BADHEALTHCARE, this is Bored Voice, how may I help you?
Nanna: I needed to check the balance of an account.
BV: Are you the patient?
Nanna: No, its for a client.
BV: What’s the account #?
Nanna: 123-456-789
BV: The name on the account?
Nanna: John Doe
BV: Your name?
Nanna: Inanna Moon
BV: Your phone number?
Nanna: (123) 456-7890
BV: Are you with an insurance company?
Nanna: No, an attorney’s office.
BV: Oh, I don’t handle attorney accounts. You’ll need Bored Voice Department #2. I’ll transfer you.
Nanna: Thanks.

(Phone ringing)

BV2 Dept.: Hello, you have reached BADHEALTHCARE DEPT. #2. All representatives are busy at this time. The approximate wait is … three minutes.

(Musak plays – four minutes)

Bored Voice 2: Hello, this is Bored Voice 2, how may I help you?
Nanna: I needed to check the balance of an account.
BV2: Are you the patient?
Nanna: No, its for a client.
BV2: What’s the account #?
Nanna: 123-456-789
BV2: The name on the account?
Nanna: John Doe
BV2: Your name?
Nanna: Inanna Moon
BV2: Your phone number?
Nanna: (123) 456-7890
BV2: The name of your firm?
Nanna: Best Attorneys in the World
BV2: And you represent Mr. Doe?
Nanna: Yes.
BV2: I need you to verify Mr. Doe’s address.
Nanna: 123 Curvy Mountain, Road, WV, 25000.
BV2: And what is Mr. Doe’s current phone number?
Nanna: (123) 987-6543.
BV2: What is Mr. Doe’s birthdate.
Nanna: (What the fuck?? Is this a loan application?) 10/10/10
BV2: And what are the last four digits of Mr. Doe’s Social Security Number?
Nanna: (SIGH) 9630
BV2: Date of service:
Nanna: 06/06/04
(click, click, sound of typing… paper’s shuffling… typing…)
BV2: I’m sorry that account has been referred to LMNO for collections.
Nanna: I see. Can you verify the amount of the bill though?
BV2: (pause) Its been referred for collections.
Nanna: I understand its been referred for collections, but can you verify the amount of the bill from your records?
BV2: You’ll need to call LMNO Collections. Their number is (800) 678-4321. Thank you for calling BADHEALTHCARE. (Disconnects call)

Nanna: (fuming – dials number)

Bored Voice 3: You have reached BADHEALTHCARECOLLECTIONS. All representatives are busy. Your approximate wait time is … six minutes.

Nanna: GAH! (leans back in chair to take short nap)

(Repeat convo with BV2 – until…)

BV3: And you’ll be issuing payment of $300.00 on this account?
Nanna: Yes.
BV3: And when will that be?
Nanna: Within seven days.
BV3: Why so long?
Nanna: Do you want your money?
BV3: Well…
Nanna: Then you’ll wait another seven days.
BV3: Well, you’ll need to make the check out to BADHEALTHCARE but send it to BADHEALTHCARECOLLECTIONS at 666 Satan’s Spawn Ct., Kill Devil Hills, NC…
Nanna: I’ll do that.

(Nanna takes settlement sheet to Captain)

Captain: (Points to BADHEALTHCARE amount) Does that account have a guarantee from us?
Nanna: No, but its still outstanding.
Captain: He doesn’t want it paid.
Nanna: I thought he said he wanted his bills paid off.
Captain: He said he wanted his guaranteed accounts paid.
Nanna: Well, moth-er fuck! (grumbles about wasting time on cheap clients)
Captain: What we have here – is a failure t’communicate!