A place to let it all hang out, but only if you've got what it takes. If you don't have it, then we want you to leave it safely tucked away. Mmm, yeah, tucked far away... where no one can see it... ever.

July 23, 2009

Due to some problems with blood pressure I've been experiencing lately, my doctor is weaning me off my anti-depressant medication. I currently take Cymbalta and my doctor wants to see if it's contributing to the high measurements I've been getting. I've been on Cymbalta about a year and a half, I'd guess, and I was on Celexa about five years or so before that. So, if you do the math, I've been taking meds for depression and anxiety between six and seven years. Before going on medication, I suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life. I only finally started taking drugs when I realized my inability to control my moods might have an adverse effect on my daughter. Children can't understand that a parent yelling at them might not have anything in the world to actually do with them. I know what that's like on the receiving end, and I wasn't going to put her through a similar experience. At any rate, I'm a few days into the weaning process and I'm finding it an interesting experience. I find myself inexplicably confused at moments and then perfectly lucid. I've been experiencing some tingling in my hands and some brief moments of nausea. In fact, right at this moment I am finding it difficult to concentrate on what I'm writing. I can't even remember what prompted me to start typing this post.

I don't feel particularly bad about going off the meds because I've started thinking it might be good to detox anyway. How long should a person really be on drugs? I know it's about chemical imbalances in the brain and I don't feel embarrassed about taking medication, but sometimes I think it would be nice to function at a more organic level. Maybe I'm just curious to see if I'd be able to deal with my depression better now. I'm a little worried I might start having increased appetite because I think medication did control hunger to some extent. I guess I felt I just needed to document somewhere what's happening to me in case I seem really, really off to people for a little while.

July 15, 2009

A very good friend of mine just accepted a new job in Alaska and will be moving at the end of August. While I am ecstatically happy for him, I am bereft of joy for myself. He'll be making the shift from print journalism to broadcast, which is something he's been wanting to do for awhile. Like I said, I absolutely couldn't be happier for him and he is the sort of person who deserves every last stinking bit of good thing that comes his way. Not to mention, he's worked very, very hard and is very, very good at what he does. He's the sort of journalist I used to dream about being when I was in journalism school. So again, it's hard for me to put into words how proud and happy I feel for him. However, because I love him so much, the thought of him being a country away breaks my heart. What's interesting about this is that I've spent my entire life saying good-bye to people, and I'm very good at it. I can say so long and never look back. It's the sort of thing that comes part and parcel with growing up in a military family. But with Ed, I often find myself on the verge of tears when I think about him leaving. It's made odder still by the fact that modern technology makes it so easy to stay in touch with people in very real and immediate ways. We plan on keeping in touch through Skype and IM, so I could conceivably see him every day after he's left. Ultimately, what makes me think his impending departure so hard for me is that I think that maybe we occasionally meet people who are soul mates of a sort and we only feel complete when we can be with them. I only use the term soul mate for lack of a better term because our relationship is about as platonic as it's possible for a relationship to be. But knowing Ed has opened my mind and heart in more ways than I can count. He is a friend, a confidante, a shoulder, and a brother to me. I think maybe we knew each other in a past life. It's the only explanation I can come up with for how connected I feel to him. So, in the time I have left, I will try to create new memories to add to those I already have and I'll start planning my first trip to Alaska because nothing rocks more than going places you've never been.

July 09, 2009

You thought I'd abandoned you for Twitter, didn't you? Well, I kinda have, but I'll still be stopping by every now and again just to keep you guessing. Here's the latest episode of my podcast. I talk to a special friend I made on Twitter. See, Twitter is for friends. Anywho, give it a listen. As usual, it's worth your time.