Not So Worthless

“Amanda, wake up and come downstairs! It’s already eleven!” My eyes slowly opened as I heard my mother’s screaming voice all the way from the kitchen. My eyes were blinded by the sun through the window onto my bright yellow walls. Still processing what she just said, I dragged my limp body out of bed.

“Eleven!” I screamed in my head. That means I only have a half hour to run to the park to meet up with Brian. He was surely going to kill me. Tossing clothes left and right, I finally managed to find a cute outfit. After slamming drawers and jumping down half of the carpeted stairs I finally made it to the kitchen. The smell of pancakes found a way up my nostrils and warmed my body.

“We are going to a late lunch with your grandparents soon. We can’t be late.”

“I already made plans.” I avoided eye contact, hoping she wouldn’t make me go with her for the day.

“You know, I really don’t like you seeing this boy.” Mother said angrily. Trying to control my temper I bit down on my lower lip. I gathered my things and walked out the door before my mother could keep me from seeing Brian. It’s been three months since we started dating and I didn’t want to screw things up. Speed walking towards the park entrance, I saw Brian standing there with a cigarette in his mouth.

“What the he** Amanda. Do you own a watch?” Brian spoke with irritation as he lit another cigarette.

“I woke up late I’m sorry.” The words sincerely sputtered out of my mouth. Thoughts ran through my mind of him leaving me. How could I be so stupid to keep him waiting? I screwed up for sure. He ignored me as I tried to hug him and knots filled my stomach.

“Brian, come on I said I was sorry.” I said as I leaned in closer to him. In slow motion his hands pressed against the fronts of my shoulders. The impact was as though a car was hitting me. The wind took my hair as it slapped me in the face. Falling back, I felt as though I was flying. In this case it was more like diving. Diving backwards towards the ground. Finally the grass cradled my fall.

“Amanda, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” He pulled me back up, hugged me tight, and repeatedly whispered his apology. It won’t happen again, I thought to myself as I wrapped my arms around him.

* * *

An envelope addressed to ‘The parents of Brian William’ sat in the hands of Mr. William himself. Tearing the envelope open, Mr. William was puzzled to see what it contained. As he read the paper that was stuffed into this envelope, his temper rose. “What the...?” Brian’s dad shouted as he stomped down the trailer hall to his son’s room. The door swung open and Brian was startled.

“Three F’s? How dumb are you! I don’t work all day so you can slack off.” He shouted as he lunged towards his son sitting on the bed. Arm extending towards his son, Mr. William’s palm found its way forcefully to Brian’s face. Smack. Brian’s calmness escaped him as his hands clenched. The veins popped right out of his neck and you could almost feel the heat coming from his face. “Just because mom left you for hitting her doesn’t mean I have to be your next victim! You don’t do anything all day. You sit there on that chair and you find your way down to every bottle! You’re the one with F’s in life.”

Brian’s words hit his father far harder then the smack across his son’s face. Giving in to their argument, he backed away and started across the trailer.

* * *

“Go on, tell her. This is your choice.”

“ Don’t make me do this Mike, she’s only five.”

“Just say it already!”

What is going on right now? I woke up just to watch my Saturday cartoons. Mommy and Daddy never fight. Maybe Mommy is sick and that’s why she is crying. Why is Mommy hurt? Why are they both staring at me like this? What do I do?

Where is Daddy going to live? Why is he walking away from me? Why is he going in the basement right now? Is he going to pack a bag to leave? Who does Mommy love now? Does she still love me?

Crash! Boom! Whoosh!

“Oh my god.” Mom muttered to herself and worriedly started for the basement stairs.

“Stay here baby. It’s okay. Don’t go downstairs.”

Why can’t I go downstairs? Why did Daddy go down there? What were those loud noises? I have to go. I have to follow her. Standing at the top of the stairs I see the water pipe burst and there was water everywhere. Attached to the pipe was a rope.There was the chair knocked over on the floor. Attached to the other end of the rope was Daddy. Mommy looked at me with tears in her eyes. She look flustered and tears were pouring down my cheeks. My feet pounded down the hall as I ran for the linen closet. Daddy use to find me in there when he knew I was upset. Door closed, light off, I buried my face into the clean towels to muffle my sobs. I must have fallen asleep in the closet. Nobody came to wake me, because he was now gone forever.

* * *

Ding dong, the door bell sang at 8pm sharp, as I ran to greet Brian. It was very difficult to have him over as my mom did not approve of our relationship. That’s exactly why I didn’t tell her he was here. She wasn’t home, she wouldn’t know. What could be the harm in that?

“Hey, you.” I spoke with a flirty smile on my face as he leaned in to kiss me.

“Look what I got.” He said with a half filled bottle of vodka in his hand. Staring down the bottle my heart dropped. He knows I don’t like him smoking, and he has the nerve to show up to my house drunk? I led him into the living room while I went to get a glass of water. By the time I walked back into the living room, he had already made himself comfy on my brown leather couch.

“Hey baby, come sit next to me.” He managed to stutter out. He could tell I was upset with him. I couldn’t stay mad at Brian, I had to cherish the time I had with him while my mom was out. Besides, his way with words and how he made up for things was good enough for me. Giving in, I cuddled up next to him.

I hated hearing those words. ‘It’s okay’ is never a moment where anything is really okay. They are just a cover up for things that were never right. Things started getting blurry as I got flash backs of my parents telling me those very words. Tears streaked my face, dryness came to my throat, and my body became lifeless as Brian started to leap into action.

Stop, please stop, my mind tried to tell my vocal cords to speak. No words were coming out. All the thoughts and feelings were all too similar to my childhood. What’s going on? Why is this happening? My body officially shut down from the shock.

“Stop!” I shouted. It scared both of us half to death. Neither one of us were expecting me to speak up. Managing to regain my strength, I pushed him off of me and snatched my pants. I tried to run upstairs. Run away from the embarrassment. Before I could take one step, Brian grabbed my wrist.

“Amanda, come on. It’s okay.”

“Let. Go.” I said firmly as I stared into his eyes and pulled my wrist from his grip. It was like a turning on a light switch. His anger built up and the alcohol just increased his temper. His eyes turned red and his face went cold, a lion locking down its prey. That’s when he lunged at me. I took large steps trying to get away from him. He was knocking things down, purely out of rage.

I felt like a gazelle running to stay alive. Brian screamed at me and chased me into the kitchen. I hurriedly took a butcher knife from the island counter. His pace slowed as he eyed the knife. Slowly, I backed away into the hall by the front door. Our eyes never moving off of each other, we waited to see who would make the next move.

I saw his gorilla hands reach over and seize the knife. In the process, the tip of the knife dragged across my forearm. Blood seeped out of the open wound and dripped its way onto the floor. Panting more from the cut then the running, I could of sworn my heart was pounding right out of my chest.

“You’re worthless. Just give up already. Stop running. We both know who’s going to win.” He spoke with such articulation. I swear this sounded like it came straight out of a horror movie.

It happened again. The slow motion hit. Here came the shove. In between hearing my heart beats I heard a tremendous thump from the back of my skull bouncing off the wood floor in the hall. I tilted my head backwards looking at the front door, only wishing I could still escape.

This is it. I thought in my mind. My life ended here. Giving up as my body lie in the blood pool from my arm and my head being cracked open, I gazed up as my vision got blurry. His feet were right in front of mine as I was on my back. “You’re worthless!” He screamed as he stared down at me with disgust. His hand that held the knife raised up high above his masculine figure.

All of a sudden, I heard the jingling of the front door knob and finally that old creaking sound we never managed to get fixed as the door swung ajar.

My mother stared as she witnessed what happened. Thank god she showed up when she did. Tears pouring down my face, I tilted my head up backwards to her and my mother’s eyes and mine met. “I’m calling the police.” She said slowly and calmly as if none of this were happening. The knife hit the floor as it fell from his grip. We heard running as he hurriedly escaped out the back door. Beep, boop, boop, my mother’s phone dialed as she knelt down beside me calling an ambulance and the police. We sat there in silence as I started drifting in and out of conciseness. Sirens wrung all around me as I was being cradled into the stretcher and off to the hospital.

* * *

“Amanda, sweetie wake up.” My mom rubbed my shoulder gently.

Groggily, I opened my eyes to find myself with a splitting migraine, stitches on my arm, and in a warm hospital bed.

“What happened?” I said as my voice cracked.

“Don’t worry. The police caught Brian. You are safe, Amanda. It’s okay.” She kissed my head as she gave me a warm, loving smile. Everything was finally okay.

* * *

Dear Worthless,

All I have to say is goodbye. We’re better off this way. Everything we’ve been through and everything about you seemed to be a guiltless twisted lie. It made me learn to hate you, or hate myself for letting it all pass by without fighting back or walking away. The bruises and tears were enough to last a lifetime. Everything we shared was real, but it will be buried in the dust.

Through all the good times, the laughs, the long phone calls, The friendship that led to a spark that led to a flame. Through all the fights, screaming, bleeding, and tears, that flame is gone. I finally walked away.

You know the saying, “You never know what you have until it’s gone,” well in reality, you knew what you had the whole time. You just didn’t think you’d lose it.

Sincerely,

Not So Worthless

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