Monday, February 3, 2014

It's Snowing All Over My Will To Live.

I live in a harsh urban environment:

We're having another snowstorm today. It's quaint as fuck around these parts when it snows but I've had about enough of it. I suppose this is "god" or the "universe" or "karma" punishing me for mocking fat bikes. YES, I WISH I HAD A FAT BIKE, OKAY? Now shut up, you stupid "god." Nobody likes a know-it-all. (That's called "omniscience," by the way. I went to a college.)

Meanwhile, we're getting snowed on again, yet the football dickwads had a beautiful, freakishly warm 50-degree days yesterday for their Moron Bowl. For the most part my life was unaffected by the aforementioned Bowl, the New York City area being gigantic enough to absorb and buffer even the largest displays of douchebaggery, though thanks to Twitter news about the event managed to seep into my consciousness anyway, which is how I learned about that Bob Dylan Chrysler commercial. Basically, they show all the stuff that makes America suck:

Then, Bob Dylan--yes, Bob Dylan--basically says that the Asians should stick to making cellphones, and that America's future lies in automobile manufacturing, presumably because it's been working out so well for us all these years. Anyway, I'd link to the ad, but it's NSFW. I mean, there's no sex in it, but listening to Bob Dylan tickle Chrysler's balls is more offensive than a hundred orifices being penetrated by a thousand dongs.

Also, he leaves out the part about how Chrysler is wholly owned by Fiat.

USA!

In other news of people in stretchy clothes competing in front of drunk people, this past weekend the World Championships of Cyclocross-Style Bicycle Racing took place in Hoogerheide, Netherlands, and it did not look like this:

The UCI checked the bikes of the first three of the world championships in Hoogerheide for mechanical doping. UCI officials removed the saddles from the bikes and used a camera to check inside the seat posts for the presence of motors, Het Nieuwsblad reports. No motors were found.

Hey, look, it may seem far-fetched, but you can't put anything past these people. When it comes to making a living and providing for a family, many cyclists will stop at nothing--including selling their significant others' breastmilk to supplement their messenger income:

Mothers Milk is a comedy feature about a bike messenger who starts a business marketing his girlfriend's breastmilk to gourmet foodies.

Angerer's wife supplied two quarts of of breast milk to create small samples of a creation he calls Mommy's Milk cheese.

Frankly, any self-respecting New Yorker would be embarrassed to eat anything so dated--though afterbirth is quite fashoinable now, and I hear the wait for brunch at The Placentary in Brooklyn is topping three hours these days:

("Taste familiar, son?" Young family enjoying the "après naissance" at The Placentary)

In the fall of 2008, I watched a tv news report about the homeless in NYC who were given, grocery karts that had a tent built into it, allowing the homeless to have a better shelter, than the street or cardboard box. I thought to myself, that while that was nice, they still had to be outside in the weather to move it around. There must be a better way. So I came up with the idea of having the tent or shelter be moved by human power from inside, using bicycle power to steer and move the unit. This solves the problem of the owner being open to the weather, yet allows them to store their material goods, food, personal belongings, and sleeping bed all at the same time. I knew this could work, so I started looking to see if this had ever been done before. Surprisingly it had not. Secondly I saw a huge multi use platform for many other uses. A high end model design could be used to travel long distances, for touring, living, and local shopping. Delivery of small packages, in large cities, could be used, and even an electric unit could be made for hilly areas. The potential is huge. Help me make this idea come rue.

Plus, they've already got the beards, so it's like a total no-brainer.

I wrote Surly an email requesting they send you a fatbike a couple weeks ago but they said 'sorry, no'. Maybe you'll have better luck with getting one from the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company of Wisconsin, RMTS.

I would like to give the recumbent kickstarter $5 so he could buy a copy of "The Elements of Style," but then I would have to do so for all the other kickstarters as well. Does anyone want to contribute to this fund?

The homeless recumbent shelter video had the word 'HEALTHY' pop up. Because homeless people who eat out of trash cans are worried about their health. This portable pedal-powered shelter will help them.

I've watched my share of porn and am also educated by a college, and that in my estimation that would require a minimum of dekapenetration? However, I agree it would not be offensive, at least not at first, due to the sheer amazement...

Being one of those losers who is unfortunate enough to live within an easy bike ride to work, maybe my family and I should ditch the house for three of those "bike RV's". Then we could sleep in the park across from work. We don't really deserve a house since we don't have a car to park in the garage.

Di Luca said he have see motors. They are not in the seatube. Look inside the bb. Duh. They go on with a timer. Not something you can use for a cx or xc race. Marianne Vos and the top two male elite did not need a motor since they took an overdose oversized Bomba.

Factoid: Staten Island Chuck is only 39% accurate for weather prediction, which means he's twice at good at predicting future trends than anyone on Wall Street. Predictive rodents are all the rage now. Poughkeepsie Carl is a rat that can predict polar vortexes, Athol Arthur is a squirrel than can predict the next Nicholas Cage movie reviews (he shits green), and Newark Nibbles is a hamster that can predict the location of Richard Gere within 100 feet, anywhere in the state.

Great stories, fully documented, on how this right-wing Family Man (TM), promised to give up pills to his wife, "but not the blow". Over 20 domestic disturbance calls to his house before he was Mayor, including one where he was drunk and tried to drive his three small kids to the airport for a trip to Florida. He shoulda used a Bakefeits. Too bad he ripped up all those bike lanes.

I'm begging you - please grow up. Maybe Dylan grew up and realized that you can't type away on your Apple and conduct your research through Google and smash capitalism at the same time.Hey, the man evolved - it's a healthy thing.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!