Your Average #WWE Summerslam Preview & Predictions

WWE’s monster weekend will continue on Sunday night as Summerslam is live from the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, the same venue that will host TakeOver the night before and Raw the night after. For the first time ever, Summerslam is four hours long, which is both a tribute and a sad reminder of how stacked WWE’s roster is. For as talented as they are, and as great as the matches will be, it’s still tough to think of how much better the event would be with some solid lead up writing. The show is headlined by the Undertaker/Brock Lesnar rematch and the title vs. title bout between John Cena and Seth Rollins. Let’s get to the preview and predictions!

Team Bella vs. Team B.A.D. vs. Team PCB (Divas Elimination Match)

I believe the stipulation for this match states that only one member of each team needs to pinned or submitted for that team to be eliminated. If I had to pick the most logical situation, it would be Nikki Bella getting submitted by either Sasha or Charlotte, which would finally set up some kind of Diva’s title structure. No other scenario makes any sense, and if the WWE does anything else they’re proving they don’t mind staying stagnant. The only problem with that is they keep labeling this as a ‘revolution’. Revolutions do not stay stagnant, they evolve. As great as the women’s wrestling has been, it’s also been aimless. Becky Lynch is tapping out Tamina and Sasha is tapping out Nikki and nothing is changing. The rumor is WWE is stalling for the next month until Nikki becomes the longest reigning Divas champion ever, but it’s time to shit or get off the pot. I have Sasha losing the night before to Bayley, so now all three NXT women should be hungry for the Diva’s title. If I had to bet, I’d say Charlotte gets first crack at it.

Prediction: Charlotte figure 8’s Nikki for the win.

The Prime Time Players (C) vs. Los Matadores vs. The Lucha Dragons vs. The New Day (WWE Tag Team Championship Match)

As great as the PTP have been as champions both in the ring and on commentary, I’m not pure evil, and I can’t root against the New Day (just look at that gif above. LOOK AT IT). Between the skipping and clapping on their way to ring, Xavier Woods’ ringside commentary and their general wonderfulness, New Day has consistently been the best act on WWE TV for awhile. Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores both equally have a zero percent change of winning, but they should contribute to the overall match. I’m pulling for a New Day win, and the way they’ve been losing lately, I can see Xavier Woods getting the best of El Torito and everyone else and helping his partners win back the belts.

Prediction: per usual, heart > head: New. Day Rocks.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Rusev

Rusev, along with New Day, are my favorite characters on WWE TV. Every time he talks on the microphone it’s wonderful, whether he’s giving Summer Lana a dog (named DOG ZIGGLER) or threatening to break people into pieces like a jigsaw puzzle, he always nails it. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen much of his ring ability lately, as he’s been relegated to murdering Mark Henry’s lifeless corpse for the last few weeks. That should change Sunday, and Rusev should look good, because he’s facing the human selling machine in Ziggler. Usually when WWE runs angles like this, a guy like Ziggler will come out on top, but Ziggler loses pretty much every match he’s ever in, so I’m going with Rusev. Lana keeps goading Summer and Rusev into these arguments and attacks by continually showing up on commentary for Rusev’s matches, so I kind of hope she gets knocked out by Summer. Side by side accolades while Rusev’s personalized Bulgarian flag floats down from the ceiling would make my heart explode with joy.

Prediction: Rusev.

Stephen Amell And Neville vs. Stardust And King Barrett

I think this might be the sleeper match of the night. You have three excellent talents matched up with an athletic celebrity who genuinely enjoys WWE and can pick his spots to look good. Amell is a physical freak, as shown by his quickness on Raw a few weeks ago, and he’s matched up with Neville, who I’m still not sure is a real human being. Amell and Neville are definitely going over, but I have faith that Stardust and the ‘Cosmic King’ will make the match entertaining. With 9 other matches on the card, this one should definitely stand out, and I hope Amell and Neville have a unique entrance planned. The Red & Green Arrow together is too good of an opportunity to pass up.

I’m not really into this match, and I can’t imagine many people are, but when you have 10 matches on a card you kind of have to defend one of the main titles. Ryback is the latest victim of the IC title curse, and just recently returned from an injury and a staph infection. Big Show is Big Show, what you see is what you get, and Miz is desperately trying to get this feud over, but it feels like it’s been going on forever. When in doubt, the champion retains, which is what should happen here. Maybe phase Show out and have Ryback feud with Miz, or just start from scratch and give Ryback some fresh meat.

Prediction: The Big Guy.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus

I really hope Orton and Sheamus put their thinking caps on Sunday night, because if they don’t, the Brooklyn crowd is going to eat them alive. This is one of those matches that HAS to be placed perfectly on the card. Their best bet is to go second after a really hot opener of either Owens/Cesaro or the Divas, because if they go too late in the show the crowd will get restless and just shit all over them. These guys are both methodical, and at this point in both of their careers are only tolerable when they have someone who contrast their style. Orton is based solely off his finisher, and so is Sheamus, and all their transition moves have been seen so many times you can pretty much watch their matches with your eyes closed and know what’s going to happen. That’s not a good thing. I have no idea what’s in store for Orton, but Sheamus has been getting pinned an awful lot lately, and it’d be smart for WWE to give Mr. MITB some forward momentum.

Prediction: Sheamus

Kevin Owens vs. Cesaro

I was going to list this match as my sleeper of the night, but when everyone is expecting it to be great and it still delivers, it’s kind of tough to label it a sleeper. I believe this match should open the show, go 20 minutes, and feature both guys figuratively saying “follow that”. You have four hours, why not? We’ve seen what both these guys can do, so I say just let them both loose and have them tear the damn house down. Cesaro is my favorite wrestler, but I’ve already come to the conclusion that he’s going to lose this one. Owens is more than likely losing at TakeOver, and losing twice in the same weekend in big time matches is not really the right direction for him. Once again, WWE has booked themselves into a corner with a young wrestler after a Cena feud, so Owens kind of has to win here to get back on track.

Prediction: Kevin Owens

John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (Title vs. Title Match)

This is the match that scares me the most, as do most Cena matches, and I can’t see it ending without a schmoz. Rollins defeating Cena and owning both belts just sets us up for Cena to win them both back down the line, and Cena winning both belts at any point makes me want to vomit. All this talk about Cena elevating the US Championship is great, but has he really? Is the US Championship really any more special than it was before Mania? Say a guy like Rusev wins it from Cena and just does what he did with it pre Mania, how would that change the perception of the belt? Cena has elevated himself, sure, and he’s tried to get back in the ‘internet’ fans good graces by giving all of our darlings (Cesaro, Neville, Rusev, Owens) title shots, but he’s continually won. I’m not drinking the John Cena Kool-Aid, because I really don’t think he’s done a thing for the US belt. And now he’s back to being the #1 contender because someone broke his nose. It’s comical if you think about it, and I can’t wait for the hate columns six months from now when the WWE still hasn’t made a new star. How could they when Cena is back in the title scene every six months? I say the Authority interferes, and we have some kind of title vs. title rematch at Night of Champions.

Prediction: if Cena wins we complain.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Will the WWE schmoz both of their main events for Summerslam? I really can’t see either of the two main events ending clean, but I guess if one of the matches had to end clean it would be this one. First off, the Undertaker should not win. Brock Lesnar is the best thing going in pro wrestling right now, and he should not be losing the main event of Summerslam so 50 year old Undertaker can get his WrestleMania loss back. The way they’ve set up this feud, it looks like Lesnar is going to win. They had the pull apart brawl, with neither guy getting the upper hand, and besides that, the other two times they’ve faced off Undertaker has used dick kicks and choke slams and tombstones to beat down Brock. I love Taker, but at this moment in time he is up against the greatest attraction in sports entertainment. Plus, Brocks owns Summerslam. I hope he suplexes Taker 5 thousand times and beats him silly with his own limbs.