Tuesday, 14 August 2012

This is the moment that I knew...

I knew that I had found my reason. I never knew before I had her in my arms, not even as she was growing inside my tummy, I never knew that the reason I am here was to be a Mother.

But in this exact moment here...

...it all became clear.

In this moment I finally understood why I have lived the life I have lived. Why I have battled the wars I have won. Why I had been broken and repaired so many times. And why I still smile so bright. In this moment, I realised that the only reason I am here, is to be a Mother. No. More than that, to be a Mummy.

When that precious child opened her eyes, her lungs and her heart up all in that moment, my world exploded. With love and with joy and with an overwhelming sense of belonging. I have never known where I was going, what I was doing. I felt like life was constantly an uphill battle. I felt alone in my world and like I was always waiting. Waiting for life to start. And then it did.

Ever since Evelyn was born, all I have wanted was to make her life the most beautiful and memorable life I can. I wanted to give her what I felt like I never had. I have spent the last 16 months trying to do exactly that. I have also spent the last 16 months longing for another child to call me Mummy. From the moment Evelyn was born, I knew... I needed more.

I did not let that longing become needing. I did not want to let the days of Evelyn's life go by before me while I longed for something that was not here. But it did remain in the back of my mind, always. I want to make a Sister for my Daughter. I want to give her the best friend that I have. I want to make a Brother for my Daughter, I want her to have the constant challenge that I have. I want to make a family, a community, a village for my Daughter.

Once Evelyn was 8 months old, we had decided that it was time to make that dream a reality. And we tried, every month, to the point that trying was no longer fun. We both wanted it. We craved it. We needed to see those two double lines. We would make love. We would wait. We would pee on a stick. And then we would cry.

We would repeat. For 7 months we would repeat.

Until, May came around, and I took that test to the bathroom, with a heart full of apprehension and anxiety, and I peed on that stick, and the faintest of faint second line appeared. It was there! This was our time! We danced and we laughed and we cried. Then I came to my computer. And I sat here, and I wrote a post about my joy. I saved that post to a draft and began the wait until 12 weeks to publish.

Until, I started to bleed.

And that baby was no more. Those dreams, were just that... a dream. That joy slowly left my body with every day it took for that baby to leave my body. I hurt, I ached, I cried... I was broken and that post remains a draft...waiting...

It only took four days to begin the bond with that baby. Four days. I saw those double lines and I started planning an entire life based on those two tiny pink little lines. Then... four days later. It was gone, just like that. Some would think that four days is not long enough for such a loss to be considered a loss. Most think that. But four days is long enough to feel it. It is long enough to fall in love and lose love.

I decided then and there, that I will not stop trying. There is a soul waiting to be given to us. We will create a body for that soul. So we tried again. We waited. I peed on a stick. And then I cried.

Because this was it. There was two lines. It was strong! That soul has been delivered to me and now it is my turn to deliver the soul to this world so that I can create a family and a life and a home for him.

We are 9 weeks pregnant. I feel anxious and nervous and apprehensive that something will go wrong but I also feel confident and secure and safe because I know...

6 comments:

Oh Honey- I know that feeling of wanting to make more babies! i feel that too- my husband is not feeling it... but we will oneday soon. I never felt academic or knew what i wanted to be but the moment Eden was born i knew then and there that this was me this was what i wanted to do/be forever a MUMMY!!somedays are tuff but i believe Eden gets me like know one else gets me!she loves me i love her and i would do ANYTHING for her.You are a remarkable mother and i wish you all the health, happiness and love this wild crazy world has to offer! xx chloe