Friday, April 13, 2007

How to Distinguish Tourons from Tourists.

Before I even start this blog i'd like to make one thing very clear. I'm not really bashing any of the parties in what I am about to write...i'm just playfully nudging a bit...you know, laughing WITH you, not AT you. It's just a little fun and games...so no one get your undies in a knot. No one try to start a new Bend Hates Meany-Mean Blog where everyone decides to boycott me, maybe fire me from my job at the radio station. We'll have none of that.

I will say outright, that tourism in this city is what puts food on my table and pays every single one of my bills. If it wasn't for tourism i'd be living under a blue tarp out on China Hat. So I would never want people to think that tourism needs to go away in this city. I simply want to offer up to you fine folks of the blogworld...my observations, on the difference between tourists and tourons.

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Top Ten Ways to Tell the Difference Between a Tourist and a Touron¹

10. Tourons ask for a pint of Bud Light when they go out to eat. Tourists always request Coke or Diet Coke, even though every place they already went to said they only had Pepsi.

9. Tourons sit all cozy near the fire down at the Rock, sipping on Peppermint Patties in their fleece earmuffs and Uggs, not a board or ski in sight. Tourists are Bam Margera style running your ass over, all the way down the entire mountain.

8. Tourons don't even realize they're not on I-5 anymore and are driving 75 on the Parkway. Tourists drive 45 mph because that's what the signs tell them to do and the last thing they want to do is draw any unwanted attention, by any of the fine men & women of the BPD.

7. Tourons are hogging up all the seats and 2 parking spots each at the Victorian. Tourists are down at IHOP eating all you can eat pancakes and leaving 6% tips because they've got to save every last hundred for their day up at Bachelor.

6. Tourons are everyone on the road NOT driving a Ford or Chevy monster truck, Subaru Outback or Biodiesel Mercedes Benz. Tourists coasted into town on fumes because they spent all their money on weed.

5. Tourons are stopped in the middle of Circle 11 arguing with their wife about breaking the GPS. Tourists are mistaking the bike paths for roads after one too many Cinder Cones at the Owl's Nest.

4. Tourons change their plans for the entire day when the forecast says rain. Tourists crack open another micro brew, smoke a bowl and wait 45 minutes before they go out.

3. Tourons wash their car when they get to town since it got "real dirty" coming over the pass. Tourists don't have time to wash their cars because they're busy trying to find a hotel that costs less than $20 a night.

2. Tourons are taking over downtown like it's "Night of the Living Dead" gobbling up all the expensive trinkets and knick-knacks like Pac-Man in a Louis Vuitton patterned velour tracksuit all hopped up on pac-man jr.s Ritalin. Tourists are running around in quite the same manner...only they're not spending any money while they do it.

1. The number one way to tell the difference between a touron and a tourist? By their bumper stickers.

Examples of common touron stickers:

Examples of common tourist stickers:

Please understand that many occasions can not necessarily be determined by these 10 things alone. In some cases, new recruits to the area are being "mistaken" for tourons. Under certain circumstances, some new recruits are placed in the category called, "Overglorified Tourons" which we may or may not discuss in a future blog. In many cases these overglorified tourons are typically driving Hummers, Lexus mini-vansuvs, Cadillac Escalades or shiny brand new Corvettes. They are rarely seen in public without a sweater tied around their shoulders. BUT for the real test you should approach them with your best joke; if they laugh and nothing above their cheek bones move, they are indeed new recruits. New recruits may be classified as tourons for upwards of 12 years from the time of entry as deemed fit by their neighbors and passerbys.

------------------------------------------¹Tour·on [tour-on]- noun1. a moron who is traveling, esp. for the pleasure of annoying everyone else within sight or sound.2. in moron -class accommodations, or by moron-class conveyance: to travel touron.

About Me

That's not a scowl on my face, I was just born meany-mean. If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it...if you're smart enough you will read it. And then you'll challenge me, everybody knows that Meany-Mean likes a good challenge every now and again.