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Friday, May 16, 2008

I am sure that many of you can commiserate. Being a feminist, especially an outspoken one, is akin to leprosy. With the dorms closed, I am forced to live with my mother and brother and face the fact that my mother thinks it is perfectly all right to call women bitches, whores, and cunts and lets my brother do so as he pleases.

How do you face the fact that your family hates a cause that is so dear to you? I punched my brother in the face today for calling me a bitch and a whore after I asked him not to. Par for the course for me, because asking him to not play the drums when I'm napping also gets a cunt accusation.

Being in my twenties and stupid, according to my mother, means that I do not get to question her parenting skills. Or lack thereof, when your younger son calls his sister a bitch and a cunt for daring to have a vagina and not doing what he wants you to. Her argument is that men hold the door open for her at work, so she gets to declare my brother a "nice sort of chap" with authorization to call his older sister a cunt whenever he finds it inconvenient to live in a house with people that do not to put up with his noise, bullshit, and foul odor.

I frown highly upon the Oppression Olympics, but I really doubt that a known civil rights activist is expected to keep his or her cool if his or her family members accuse him or her of being a nigger every time they get uppity. I really regret being open with the fact that I do Feminist Advocacy work with a family that feels it necessary to throw it back in my face every time they say something blatantly sexist. Ask me again, mother dear, what it feels like to know that your mother likes your "trustworthy" brother better because his genitals are outies.

Bitch is a slur. It is not the kind of slur "dick" is. Trying to convince my family of that, however, is like talking to a wall. A wall, of course, that you wish you did not love so they could not hurt you with their indifference. Bitch is a historical term that applies to women that act "unwomanly". She defies a man, is out spoken, and wears the pants in the family. She must be a bitch or a whore. "Dick" does not carry with it the same history of oppression. Equating bitch with dick is as absurd as equating nigger with yuppie.

It's called privelege. When you have it, you can't see it. You also cannot pretend that slurs leveled against you have the same sort of affect as someone who works tirelessly for the rights of a disenfranchised group. Someone who happens to be your sister that would never lift a finger against you otherwise.

And so this radical feminist in exile will nurse her bottle of cheap vodka on the couch of her friend's apartment, and try to figure out how to retrieve her toiletries from her mother's abode (yes, the same mother that called me a liar to my face when I tearfully confessed I was raped) without having to face her brother.

I really do not think I am strong enough to face anyone that shares my blood for a week or two without kicking some ass and taking some names. Alcohol and good friends dull the urge to bash faces in. Feminists take note!

Update: Mom called and we had the drunkest sappiest conversation known to human kind. It was sugary and deep and I just used all of my minutes. No word on reconciling with the brother yet. I guess I might have to wait a decade or two for him to get a clue. At least I know now that my mother has got my back, once I explaining myself sans anger and plus slightly slurred sugary declarations of mother-daughter love. I finally feel like she understands the feminism thing. This acceptance is an odd feeling. I need to buy cheap vodka more often.

I read this blog every now and then and I disagree with about 99% of what you guys say. Sorry.

HOWEVER,No matter what someone believes, it never warrants being called names like that. It's disgusting. And to be honest with you, if someone said things that vile to me, I'd probably react the same way (knocking someone out).

So from a someone who doesn't buy into the whole feminism thing, I'm sincerely sorry to see you treated so poorly.

Oddly, I am glad that you at least see part of my point, Great American. Being called slurs every day, tirelessly, by my out of control brother (let us count the reasons I moved out, shall we?) and then having a mother that defends his right to be a total jackass makes otherwise placid me fly off the handle.

Somebody that gets in your face and calls you names you specifically asked them not to every day for things as silly as asking them to turn down the television, take out the trash, or don't play the drums while someone's sleeping deserves a punch in the face.

I haven't decided yet what my mother deserves yet for her lovely housewarming gift of a out-of-control son. I'm settling with scorn for now.

It seems you misinterpreted the situation. You made it seem like they had a genuinely friendly relationship and this was an isolated incident. However, as she pointed out, this is an ongoing thing. And her punching him in the face was self defense in and of itself. She was continually verbally harassed and reacted out of pent up frustration. Not a lack of anger control.

Jen,I'm glad to see that you and your mom have taken steps to reconciliation. While I don't know you or your mom, it's always good to see broken relationships on the mend. Hopefully your brother isn't too far behind.

ennui,Get a grip. It's never ok for a man to treat a woman like that. And it's never ok for a man to hit a woman. That has nothing to do with feminism, it has everything to do with respect! And the fact that men are supposed to cherish women. And that 9 times out of 10 a man can do a lot more damage than a woman.

I contemplated calling your mother a certain particular four letter word that rhymes with punt, you know, for the sake of irony, but I decided against it.

It's never fun when your family is on the opposite end of the spectrum of you, politically or ideologically or religiously. It seems that a lot of families are unable to accept that, while we are all in part the product of our environment, the home and the family are not always the primary environment from which we derive our personalities.

Honestly, when I use the word "bitch" to describe a woman, I mean it in essentially the way I mean the word "dick". Of course, others might use it differently, but I can't think of a better word that would be equivalent to "dick", but for the opposite sex. Although I have called guys bitches before. Of course, that just gets into the whole "why do words have to be gender-specific" thing, which is an entirely different can of worms.

I can absolutely relate - when i used to come home from college on breaks every dinner time conversation would turn into a political debate that made my blood boil. My dad is a very outspoken conservative and listens to way more right wing radio than is good for him... that equals me constantly having to defend my beliefs and lifestyle. Although usually i don't mind, it's also futile because unfortunately we'll never be able to meet in the middle.

Also, one statement you made sat wrong with me: "I frown highly upon the Oppression Olympics, but I really doubt that a known civil rights activist is expected to keep his or her cool if his or her family members accuse him or her of being a nigger every time they get uppity."

It seems you misinterpreted the situation. You made it seem like they had a genuinely friendly relationship and this was an isolated incident. However, as she pointed out, this is an ongoing thing. And her punching him in the face was self defense in and of itself. She was continually verbally harassed and reacted out of pent up frustration. Not a lack of anger control.

Reacting out of "pent up frustration" IS a lack of anger control.

Legally, namecalling is not a justification for physical violence. If she were to try it in public, she'd be arrested. Hell, if he really wanted to, her brother could have her arrested for it.

That's my point. Violence = not the answer.

Get a grip. It's never ok for a man to treat a woman like that. And it's never ok for a man to hit a woman.

False.

That's sexism, what I believe would be called the "benevolent sexism" type. That women are some frail, fragile creatures that are special and need to be protected.

You can't have the cake and eat it, too. Either it's never okay for a man to hit a woman (which means it's never okay for a woman to hit a man), or it's equality, and if a woman hits me, self defense and the law say I can hit her right back.

And the fact that men are supposed to cherish women. And that 9 times out of 10 a man can do a lot more damage than a woman.

The reason you will never (at least currently) meet at a middle ground with him, is because, well, you refuse to make a middle ground.

You want him to accept you for who you are, period, but you outright refuse to accept him for who he is. You demand he change himself to become something that you think a male should be, (while simultaneously finding it unacceptable for a male to want a female to change to what he thinks she should be).

That's the problem. You want to be taken as-is, but you want him to change before you'll accept him.

As long as you keep that up, you'll make no progress.

I don't expect you to suddenly revise your strategy, though, as feminism tends to say "women are perfect as they are, but all men need to change everything about themselves to become what we want them to be, but any man that requests we change is a controlling evil misogynist".

I can only imagine where you're coming from. It must be hard, especially because your home/family should be a safe place.

But I am a pacifist. I do not advocate the use of violence except as a last resort.

I will not try to say how I would have acted under the same situation because I do not know. But there must be healthier ways for you to work things out. I am willing to try to help you with it if you need it.

You want him to accept you for who you are, period, but you outright refuse to accept him for who he is. You demand he change himself to become something that you think a male should be, (while simultaneously finding it unacceptable for a male to want a female to change to what he thinks she should be).

All she did was ask him to take out the garbage, stop drumming when she's asleep, and stop calling her vulgar names. That really doesn't seem like she's trying to change who he is.

"If no man has a right to force a woman to change to be something he prefers, then no woman has a right to force a man to change to be something she prefers."

I never said anyone has a right to change anyone else. But what he was saying to her is verbal abuse, which lots of times can hurt worse than physical abuse. So basically what you're saying to me is that it's ok for her brother to verbally abuse her because he's her brother. NOBODY should have to suffer through that kind of abuse!

I think there's a difference between asking someone to change who they are as a person and asking someone to act respectfully. It shouldn't be hard to treat other people with respect; it should be the default response.

Sibling namecalling is not akin to verbal abuse. Frankly, you're insulting people who really suffer real verbal abuse by equating the two.

If being called names is driving a wedge between you and your family, then yeah. That can be pretty life altering. Being seperated from your family. Think about it.

Does. Not. Warrant. Violence.

Hitting me in the face would drive a much bigger wedge than calling me names.

I think there's a difference between asking someone to change who they are as a person and asking someone to act respectfully. It shouldn't be hard to treat other people with respect; it should be the default response.

Respect should never be a default response. No one "deserves" respect. Respect is an earned privilege, not a default gift.

Ennui is in fact being logical. In fact, he's being so logical that you're all having a hard time dealing with it: humans are not inherently logical beings, we are emotional beings. So when logic doesn't fit what we want, we say "oh that's wrong, that's not logical."

Let me state for the record that I am a male. I am a right-wing conservative. I don't agree with the whole feminisim thing AT ALL.

But there is a fine line between sibling abuse and human decency! I would be saying all the same stuff no matter if she was a feminist, a liberal, a conservative, an atheist, a christian, a man or a woman! Nobody deserves to be treated this way. The problem with people like Enuui is that can't see past their own personal views to see the person. Yeah Jen may be a feminist, but first and foremost she is human being, a human being with human emotions. And she hurst just like the rest of us. And we she opens up about how poorly she is being treated, it's not your job to jump in and make her feel even worse. I don't know if your married or not, but if you are, I smell divorce in the future. And if you're not married, my guess is that's how you'll remain.

She also said that she was raped. Now, how can you blame her for having some hostility toward men? I know, i know, not all men do that. And I agree. But, unless you've gone through the pain of something like or unless you jump off your high horse for a minute, you'll never understand.

But until then I'm sure you'll continue to keep giving women, like the women here, a reason to hate men. The reason: because you are an arroagnt punk who posesses absolutely no human emotion. And I'm pretty sure you picked on people alot in high school, just to make yourself feel a little better! Jerk!

"Since you find violence an acceptable answer to insults, does that work both ways?"

Saying that it's wrong to hit a girl is NOT a feminist idea, it's common sense. You are trying to back these ladies into a corner and trying to get them to admit that you're right. But tell me when should it be ok to hit a woman? I don't know any sane person that would say that it is ever ok to hit a woman. Forget for a moment that they are feminists and think of them as people like you and I. Thats the problem these days, is that too many people want to constantly argue and say that they are right and you are wrong just because they have a label attached to them, ie. feminist, liberal, conservative. Step into the other persons shoes and try to see where they are coming from, life is much easier the less judgemental you are.

Saying that it's wrong to hit a girl is NOT a feminist idea, it's common sense. You are trying to back these ladies into a corner and trying to get them to admit that you're right. But tell me when should it be ok to hit a woman?

Well, we're all equal, right? It's apparently okay for a woman to hit a male, and if we're equal, and we remove "benevolent sexism", then women are not some special protected class, right?

They should be afford the same rights, privileges, and drawbacks as what males have.

Which means that if a woman punches me in the face, the law and self-defense statutes say I can hit her back. Force continuum, and all that.

For your own safety, you better pray that I'm not around the day you decide to hit a girl.

It has nothing to do with equality, it has everything to do with human decency, a subject which you have proven you know nothing about.

And if you hit a girl an claim "self-defense" that proves that you are not a man and were simply looking for an excuse to hit a girl. Because if a girl hit me, I subdue her, but not by clocking her back. I can control myself, because a matchup between me and girl would be no contest.

So you're also saying that if a girl hit you, you should have every right to pull out a gun a smoke her, because after all you would be acting in self-defense...right?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?

I find it very rude how you delete my comments, no matter what they say, and then try to make me look bad by saying something like "Coyote, that was very offensive and insulting." even if I hadn't even said anything insulting!

This isn't about feminism anymore, or about rights.

It's about how you have treated Ennui and myself as guests in your house, so to speak.

If this is how you treat men who come into your world... do you ever expect to be taken seriously or have your "issues" coddled and fixed by men?

I am calling you out right now. Why is it okay for people to threaten us with violence, and call us names, but we're not even allowed to be "patronizing" without being chastised?