“The Princess slowly rose from her 3 hour nap. Having
been given nearly a heart attack merely hours before and riding the emotional roller
coaster that is the NHL playoffs, she was in desperate need of something heavily
caffeinated before starting her usual Wednesday regime. Donning her best ‘I
could care less’ outfit (leggings, hoodie, Ugg boots) with her hair pulled back
and sporting her military-style black cap and white sunglasses, she made her
way to Ye Olde Starbucks for a venti macchiato with no less than 5 shots of
espresso. As she looked around the coffee shop at those who clearly cared less
about hockey and got far more rest than her, her only thoughts as she lifted
the paper cup’s plastic lid to her lips were:

‘I hate you all and I hope you drop your bagel...cream
cheese side down’. ‘

Oh what a series it was. How are you all feeling? A lot like
me? Has your heart rate returned to normal yet? Probably not would be my guess.
If there is one thing you can always count on, it is things will never come
easy for our Penguins. Something interesting always has to happen. Thankfully
we can, once again, breathe easier (if just for a short period of time) knowing
that our boys are moving on to the conference finals after one heck of a Game
6.

So let’s not waste more time. The series with the
Capitals is over and we look ahead now to the next battle. But before we do,
here are your Crowns and Clowns- Penguins vs. Capitals edition.

CROWNS

High King: BONINO!
BONINO! BONINO! BONINO! Ok I promise that is the one and only time I will use
that. There something to be said about being at the right place at the exact
right time. That is all you can say about the series winning goal. With the
Caps on worn out legs, Bonino reads the bouncing pass from Hagelin and the rest
is gravy. The Speed Line stepped up strong but when you get the game winner and
series clincher, you get the Crown. All Hail King Bones!

Prince: He makes us all feel some sort of way and it’s
something magical. Although his game 5-6 performances were not of his usual
caliber, Patric Hornquvist kept the dream alive when he scored the game winner
in overtime of game 4. Twitter exploded with posts that leaned to the side of “just
a bit naughty” and no one batted an eye about it. That night, everyone got the
red light special and with Hornquvist, it is always a thing of beauty.

Dueling Dukes: Phil
Kessel was due for a big game. Matt Murray is a 21-year old goaltending Phenom.
There was no way around it. I had to put them together. Phil set the pace with
his back-to-back goals in Game 6 and Matt Murray continued to display why he is
the future of Pittsburgh goaltending. Without them both, who knows what the
game could have looked like?

CLOWNS

Twin Bozos: The Capitals never cease to give me plenty of material to choose from.
It was almost too much this time but I think we are all in agreement that the
Jingly-Bell Hat should be shared between Mr. Slasher (aka The Knee Killer), Alexander Ovechkin and
Mr. Head Shot, Brooks Orpik. First of all, how brainless are you to take a knee-on-knee hit? You can do YOURSELF damage as well. That just isn't smart. Then, I actually lost count as to how many times
Ovechkin wacked at the hands of Sidney Crosby and he got caught only once. I
get it, Alex. You are well into being 30 and you don’t have the jump or “pep in
your step” that you one had. But these cheap shots and tricks are what aided to
your elimination. Yes, most players are guilty of it every once in a while, but
when a slash or cheap shot isn’t called and the usual phrase directly following is “Well,
what do you expect? It’s Ovechkin”, then that’s a problem.

Now we move on to Brooks
Orpik. Yes, he apologized. Yes, he showed genuine remorse. That does not get
you excused from sharing the top spot. That hit could have ended Maatta. Let’s
not make any excuses about it. That is a brain scrambling hit. While I agree
Maatta should not have been in that game to begin with, making the split second
decision to make that hit was just plain irresponsible and dumb. I am glad
Brooks owned up to it and took his punishment like a man. Figure out a hat
sharing schedule guys because the hat belongs to you until after the next series.

The Simpleton(s): Now a riddle: What
is male, can’t see, gets in the way all the time and claim to not influence
games. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure this out- it’s the NHL
referees. I have never seen as severe a drop off in penalty calling as I have
seen this year. The officiating was bad in the regular season across the board,
make no mistake about that. But it seems as if the refs have decided to take it
to another level. If you want to swallow your whistles and “let the boys play”
then let them play. Don’t let things go and then make a call that was allowed to
slide only 30 seconds before. A severe overhaul of the officiating system is
needed and needed quick but ask me if I plan to hold my breath.

The Jester: This hurts me. It genuinely hurts my heart to do this but I don’t know
what more I can say to make excuses for the kid (as if it’s my job). Derrick
Pouliot, as much as I want to see you succeed in the NHL and play on this team,
you just aren’t ready yet. Maybe it’s the lack of actual game time in the
regular season, maybe it’s the pressure of the big-time playoff race. Whatever
it is, you blew the golden opportunity you had to show the coaching staff
that you are serious about your development and about your career. I don’t know
what the future has in store for you, but if they decide to keep you here and
not use you or trade fodder, I hope you can GROW THE HECK UP, sorry, mature,
and grow as a player and rise to the potential that was seen in you on draft
day. Make me a believer in you again, Derrick. You aren’t a joke, so do what needs done to
make people stop laughing.

Two series down, another
looming. Friday begins the Eastern Conference finals against the Tampa Bay Lightning.
I expect even more exciting hockey. Get your aspirin ready, I have a feeling it’s
going to go 7.

And here is a little extra for you: Garret Cole being told to stop chirping the other teams bench by an usher at Consol Energy Center and a VERY upset Sidney Crosby. Enjoy!