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Author
Topic: should have known better (Read 3091 times)

Hello all...I'm a 50 year old gay guy and recently tested positive. Here's my story...... for about 15 years now I've been having a lot of sex. Bathouses, sex clubs, on line, where ever I can find it. I used to be mostly bottom (with condoms) but about the past 12 years or so it's been me on top...and 90% of that time it's bare...I just don't like condoms...I know, stupid and I knew the risks. I would get tested about every 6 months and figured I was doing something right if I was topping the amount of guys I was topping and still testing negative. I knew a majority of the guys were poz...or assumed so if they were taking anonymous loads at sex clubs they sure weren't virgin boy scouts! :-) My partner is poz. I have a lot of friends that are poz. It was a big part of my life but like I said I was doing what I was doing and remaining negative. If I bottomed I made them wear a condom. I would sometimes swallow but that was rare and I assume that's fairly safe. I was just going along having a great time. Everything in my life is going pretty smooth....I have a great partner, a nice paid for house, a car, a great job and I just turned 50. I was in Hawaii on business and was bored. I was on a hook up site and this massage therapist was on there trying to get clients, I wanted a massage and thought it was going to be just that. I was wrong. I would have liked a little happy ending but got much more than that. He massaged me for about 10 min then started playing with my ass....it was nice...but then it turned very violent. He held me down and stuck it in, fucked me really hard and would not let me up. There was blood and it hurt. I could have probably overpowered him but I was playing along with what I assumed was his fantasy. I didn't really think he would cum in me and if he did just assumed he would be neg. since he didn't talk about that. He left and I was sore and bleeding and worried. I should have gone to the Dr. right away but I was out of town and I really thought he wouldn't have done that to me if he was poz. I was wrong.....I took the home oral test about a month later and it came back neg. But it must have been too soon because I then went to the dr. and tested poz. I think he was trying to poz people...I don't know why but I think he was mad at himself for having it and wanted to pass it on. So, now my life has changed. I feel so stupid that after all this time and seeing so many people die of this disease that I have it too. I should have known better. Even with all the sex I had and topping I didn't think I could get it.....all it took was that one time. So, here I am. I'm already on meds because my dr. suggested that the sooner you start the less damage the disease does on your body. My CD-4 cells were always good but they've come up a little. My viral load started at about 44,000 and is now less than 20 so I'm officially undetectable. I don't know if it's really hit me yet. I'm ok with it, I haven't had any depression which I'm prone too I haven't freaked out and haven't cried. I've told 2 people and they were very supportive. I think soon I'll go to a therapist but don't feel I need one right now....so I'm reaching out to all of you. I'll try this and get support from you all (I hope) and go from there. that's my story. Stupid and should have known better. Should have kicked his ass and gotten him off me...I could have...I keep asking myself why I didn't. It's done now.Thanks for listening.

I just would like to say how sorry I am that happened to you. Regardless of how many risks you may have taken previously, you did not deserve that. I really admire your positive attitude. Hang in there.

I'm sorry you got HIV. I'm sorry you got raped. I hope you get some mental health attention.

The way you tell your story, its a bit too neat. I'm sorry to say that. For the moment there is this I'd like to discuss.

"I think he was trying to poz people...I don't know why but I think he was mad at himself for having it and wanted to pass it on."

There was a case in Holland in 2007 of two HIV+ guys raping with the intent to transmit HIV. Same year, a twisted story in England.

So I'm not saying it doesn't exist.

If thats what happened to you, its really twisted. Even if you feel fine maybe you should talk out the rape with a therapist especially one with experience with rape. (And, a police officer.) You do state some ambivalences, above, ("could have fought him off, didn't..." which may or in fact may not have been the case. Maybe you couldn't fight him off! Also, the assumption that he would be negative, with all your sexual worldly experience?) which maybe should be worked out.

On the other hand, it is possible you got this aspect wrong (the HIV+ rape maniac).

Please remember that YOUR situation has now changed. Now that you are HIV+, you are part of a community that watches out for the way the world can demonise us. Happens too often. And you are describing a demon, there..... If such a demon exists, what is your opinion? Do you have the will, and/or responsibility, to do something about it now and should you? Your question to answer.

« Last Edit: October 04, 2013, 06:09:58 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Mecch, sorry my story is too neat for you. I'm not the type to be emotional and air my laundry without thinking it all out. I thought it all out before I posted.When the sex was happening I thought of it as a fantasy scene for the guy and partly me. It was rough and not my usual type of sex. But after it happened and he was gone I realized it was more than just sex, it was violent and rough and I was being held down against my will. Could I have fought back...yes I could have. I'm a man and could have overpowered him if I had fought back. I should probably not call it rape. I'm sorry for using that strong word. It was forced sex though. To answer your question, I don't believe he is a demon, I take 100% responsibility. I am educated and believe that when you are having condomless sex with men you have to assume that everyone is poz and protect yourself. I have not bottomed much and knew what the possibilities were. I still feel he knew exactly what he was doing.

Hey I'm not encouraging you to walk back or reconsider your choice to call it rape. Forced sex = rape, at least in my book. And you have repeated the statement that you are responsible and that's what I'm calling ambivalent. A rape victim is not responsible for the crime. Thats why I thought some discussion with a person/therapist specialised in such a crime might be helpful.

Wishing you the best...

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Welcome , the Past is the Past , it has its place and therapy may well be the place for it. However there is a big bright future ahead also. Reading tween the lines your in a reasonable place economically , your health is OK ( isn,t it? ) , your working so on so on.

This is a good place for support and working things out , you will already realize , there is everyone from the mega fit to the struggling and back again , so there is a wonderful pool off experience .

Glad you found us and joined.m

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn