Prince William may be the glamorous figurehead of an island nation, but he's still bald. We're not going to sugar coat it (because we're not bald): Baldness is terrible in many ways!

The New York Times writer who wrote this piece about how terrible it is to be bald must have just broken up with a bald guy or something. Because if any bald readers weren't yet considering suicide, they certainly were after finishing it. She even goes so far as to wonder if Prince William's engagement was rushed by his thinning hair: "Is it possible that the 28-year-old prince felt an urge to lock up a commitment from Ms. Middleton because his heart-throb status might be beginning to disappear with the hair?" Grim.

Things are not looking good for bald men, says the article. Apparently, our post-industrial economy means that 1) you are forced to interact with more people who notice your baldness 2) women are empowered, i.e. empowered to walk the opposite direction from your shiny pate and into the arms of a long-locked Fabio type and 3) Now you care about how you look because of television, and you look bald!

The soothing balm offered up by the Times is that people like Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan have made it cool to be bald. Right: Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan vs. vast socioeconomic forces which have remade modern life forever? You're forgetting that those people are Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan. Being bald is totally cool if you are also a famous and rich actor or athlete. If you're Joe Baldhead, sorry.

Conveniently, this article fits well with our longstanding resolution that, if we were to find ourself going bald, we would move to a remote Australian outpost, rediscover our Jewish roots and take to religiously wearing a yarmulke, and only befriend men balder than us.