Justin Timberlake’s pink dream wedding cover

In my coverage of Justin Timberlake’s special day, you’ll note I’ve not really made mention of his wife. And that’s not a slight on the wife but more an observation about him: when is it ever NOT about Justin Timberlake?

Look at this cover.

Look at him taking up all the attention on this cover.

My wedding! My wedding! My wedding! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!

Like he’s crashing his OWN wedding. Like he needs to be the spotlight so badly he has to cockblock his own wedding photos...

As she’s placed, BELOW him, with his foot at the same level of her head, like a family pet in a Christmas portrait. Oh, yeah, there’s our dog, Rover in the corner, sitting submissively until she’s told she can move. Like I said the other day, she’s just happy to be invited. They’re like Bella and Edward.

PEOPLE reportedly paid $300K for the privilege of publishing these pictures. If it’s for sale it means we can talk about it. And I know that sounds like a lot of money to us, but for them? For him? It’s nothing. I promise you it’s nothing. So this wasn’t about the money. This was all about the exposure. This was all about the sharing. This was all about wanting everyone to see -- check out the wedding I planned, check out the girl I married, check out how sick my suit is, that I helped Tom Ford design.

TOM FORD???

Um, yes. Pipsy claims he helped Tom Ford design his suit. Because Justin Timberlake knows as much as Tom Ford. About everything.

Her dress? It’s ok. The thing about the pink though, especially with all the layers and the tiers, and the slight print that I can see on the material, is that, well, it’s almost like any other long floral gown, like any summer gown. And maybe that’s the point -- to get married in a dress that’s not specifically a WEDDING DRESS and not specifically a BRIDE’s GOWN. But that is certainly a bride’s ‘do, non? And Audrey Hepburn with the fringe. It’s not the fashion/couture Try I was expecting.

But enough about her. That was an entire paragraph about her, when, quite obviously, it was His Day for the MiniVan Majority. And he chose to re-enact a scene from The Mickey Mouse Club. We’ve been talking a lot about branding lately -- is this on brand? It’s PEOPLE, so it’s not exactly high-end. And it’s all pink, like the packaging of a children’s toy -- My Little Pony -- which, I mean, it doesn’t get more generic and pedestrian. Isn’t this the cover you would have expected from...

Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Justin Timberlake is solidly A list. And what we’re seeing here? What we’re seeing here is solidly B.