Recap

'Big Brother' Recap: Ain't That a Kick in the Head?

It always amazes how much Big Brother can fit into an hour. This show is absolutely nothing more than a house full of attractive lunatics who scheme, play deranged Field Day games, and slowly descend into full-fledged paranoia on national television for money. (Man, this show is the best.) So how much, really, can they fit in an hour? Tons! And I'm glad you asked because last night's Big Brother had plenty. Broken alliances! Innuendo! Bath suds! And, my favorite redundant reality television tactic — whispering!

We jumped right into Day 5 and things are right where we left off, with likable curly Frank going up against person in existence Kara. Boogie is "super disappointed" in Willie's decision (imagine the life choices that lead you to someone named Boogie being disappointed in you) and needed to win the power of veto in order to keep Frank around to keep a full team. "Lying in the Big Brother house, it happens," marveled Boogs, "Here's what you don't wanna do: Lie to me."

Except Boogie wasn't really the coach with something at stake in the battle of Frank v. Kara. If Kara is sent packing, that leaves Dan with just one player. This will serve as a reminder to all those playing: This coaches thing is really, truly stupid. Then again, without the coaches, we would have never had that moment between Britney and Janelle in the bathroom in which they wore bikinis for no apparent reason, drank wine, and giggled about having already outsmarted Dan and Boogie. Britney and Janelle are like the Peggy and Joan of Big Brother if Peggy and Joan wore bikinis to work and did s**t like this for a living.

But the girls weren't wrong. While Janelle and Britney had a celebratory dance party with Willie and Wig (what he lacks in shirt, he makes up for in ridiculous hair), Dan and Boogie went into full panic mode. Boogie talked to Frank, Frank talked to Willie, Dan talked to Frank, Frank was instructed by Dan to "pull a rabbit out of a hat." Magic! This episode had everything. Including Ian, who sent nerds back a couple of centuries by wearing a shirt that read "Thermodynamics Gets Me Hot"and kicking himself in the face to the amusement of people who would have made his high school life hell. There's no way Big Brother screens the mental stability of these people. And why would they?

After watching Ian's party trick, Boogie cries, "Hey America, please kick me in the face." Oh, don't tempt us, Boogs. Of course, the rest of the house was already aiming for Boogie's face, and, well, just about every other part of him. Willie wants him out, Britney wants him out, Janelle wants him out, and soon enough, Dan wanted him out once he learns that Boogie threw him under the bus to save his own ass. Pssh, that Boogie. He thinks he's the Pope of Chilltown.

It wasn't boding well for poor Frank who had a Boogie-sized target on his back. Ew. It got even more dire when Danielle, Shane, and Wig got called to compete in the veto competition. Frank and Kara quickly saddled up to the biggest threat, Shane. While Frank is "jacked" (according to Shane), has a trustworthy demeanor, and angelically curly hair, you know what he doesn't have? Lady bits. Kara has lady bits. "We're alone together in the room," says Shane, creeping us all out for good, "You never know what could happen." Ew. Kara promises she is a women of her word, but she could have simply blurted "vagina" and saved us all some time.

How loathed is Boogie, dear reader? So loathed that he makes the guy wearing a pooka shell necklace, aching to be alone with a girl in a room that encourages getting dizzy, look like the least horrible person. Boogie did math (25 percent turns into 33.3 percent), turned his back on a renegade (which Dan explained meant he is "gonna get stabbed"), and used the phrase "draw a line in the sand." Ew.

(Quick sidebar: 1,000 Zingbot points are rewarded to Janelle this week for her Boogie zinger, "I thought Boogie was supposed to be good at this game?" Zzzzzzzing. End of sidebar.)

After a cultural linguistics lesson from Jojo and Danielle (people from New Yawk say "cawfee" and people from the South say "y'all" and I'm fixin' to fuhgeddaboutit), it was finally time for the veto competition, which was laundry-themed. Much to the delight of Spray Tan Ashley ("I love bubbles!") and veto competition host/JWOWW spirit animal Jojo who "knows a thing or two about laundry," if you catch her drift and most certainly shouldn't.

The game? Loose change. The object — in the midst of the soapy, slippery obstacle course — is to find various coins and throw it at the giant vending machine. The first player to get $1.30 into their vending machine gets their dignity back. Just kidding! They get the power of veto. It was a fierce, slippery competition between Wig, Danielle, Shane, and Frank, but as expected, it came down to Frank and Shane. A sud-den death, if you will. Shane, despite the odds of being someone who wears a pooka shell necklace, emerged the winner.

Shane had some thinking to do. (Hey, there's a first time for everything on Big Brother.) Does he use the power of veto to take Frank off the block and and keep the target off him, despite the fact that Shane's a very real threat? Or does he do that for Kara because... lady bits?

Kara, bless her heart (or something), even tried to play that card, telling Shane in her plea for veto, "You look really good today." But Kara had to eat a piece of humble pie (which sounds infinitely better than the Have Nots menu this week), because Shane decided to not use the power of veto, leaving them both on the block. You better apreesh!

Is Frank doomed to go home? Or can he best Kara in tonight's competition to stay alive another week? Is Boogie actually the villain from an '80s comedy who somehow wound up on this show? Find out on the next Biiiiiiig Brother.