Fry (dejected): Doesn't she see I'm doing this for her? Well, I'll show her. I'm gonna get into shape, and I'm gonna finish that marathon!

(Time passes: The day of the marathon arrives)

Linda: Welcome to the 375th Quasi-Annual New New York Ultra-Marathon! The race starts in just minutes, so I hope you caught my interview with the winner, tachyon-based lifeform 3x79b to the 5th power, three hours ago! So, who do you think's going to come in second, Morbo?

Morbo: IT MATTERS NOT, FOR ALL ARE VERMIN IN THE EYES OF MORBO!!

Linda (chuckles): Indeed they are, Morbo, indeed they are.

(At the starting line, Fry warms up...)

Fry: Piece of cake...

Amy: You sound confident.

Fry: Oh, yeah, it's in the bag.

Bender: Good luck, buddy! (whispers) If he dies, I get dibs on the carcass.

Zoidberg: You'll have to fight me to the death!

(The starter fires his pistol)

(Slow motion. The "Chariots of Fire" theme in the background. Shots of Fry running past various landmarks. Past crowds cheering his name. As he breaks the tape and wins. Closeup on his jubilant expression as we dissolve... to Fry, the same expression on his face, being carried on a hoverstretcher into an ambulance...)

Hermes: Poor honky bastard... he couldn't even make it past de first mile...

Leela (looking somewhat disheveled, carrying a battered "Get Well" bouquet..): What do you mean, "You're too late"? It took me forever to get here! There was a clog in the #4 tube, and then I got mugged, and then there was a giant monster attack...

Receptionist-bot: Sorry, but visiting hours are over.

Leela: But I need to see Mr. Fry right away.

Receptionist: Oh, in that case, go two blocks down, and turn left, and you might find someone who gives an owl's ass.

(Zoidebrg strides in, thumbing through (clawing thorugh?) a stack of bills and humming "I'm in the Money")

Zoidberg: Finally, Zoidberg is a somebody!

Bender: Yo, crabby, wassup?

Zoidberg: I'm trying to decide how to spend all this money I just won.

Bender: Yeah? Well, before y'go and waste it on nonessentials like food an' clothing, y'might wanna consider investin'. Make yer money work for you.

Zoidberg: Interesting... can you tell me more?

Bender: Sure. C'mon, chump, I mean chum, an' I'll introduce you to the wonderful world of high finance... the Bender way.

(He leads Zoidberg into another room. We switch our focus to a dejected Fry, sitting on the couch, watching nothing in particular on TV. Leela enters)

Leela (brightly): Morning, Fry. I'm glad that you're all right.

Fry: Really? 'Cause, y'know, I was under the impression that you couldn't care less.

Leela: Look, I tried to see you yesterday...

Fry: Well, you didn't try hard enough, did you?

Leela (chastened): Please don't do this to m--

Fry: I don't know what I evere saw in you, anyway. No mere mortal could ever please the great Toronga Leela!

Leela: But...

Fry: Maybe you should just go find a big pile of worms and love that. That's what you look for in a man, right? Parasites?

Leela: Look, I was feeling vulnerable that night...

Fry: YOU were feeling vulnerable? YOU were feeling vulnerable? The only reason I dumped the worms was 'cause I wanted to know what you thought of the real me. Well, now I know. And I'm done with you. From now on, we're not even friends. We're crewmates, and that's it.

Leela: And then he got rid of the worms. I mean, can you believe that? Making yourself stupid on purpose?

Amy: And let me guess, you were so outraged, you threw him out.

Leela: Well, yeah... I mean, at the time, I was outraged.

Amy: And it never occurred to you to think about his feelings, did it?

Leela: It's just... I have high standards...

Amy: Right, you've never dated a loser. Let's see... there's Captain Blowhard... there's the shapeshifting pentagamist who basically wanted a housemaid... there's Dr. Bland Normailty, who not only had the personality of cardbord, but wanted to make sure everyone else did, too... hey, stop me when I get to the loser...

Leela: Hey, wait a minute... I'm pouring my heart out to you, aren't you supposed to take my side?

Amy: Right, Leela can't possibly be wrong, can she? Guess I'm not good enough to hang out with you. Bye.

Bender: Friends, you too can take advantage of the B. B. Rodriguez investment plan! Just invest... how much ya got?

Zoidberg: Five hundred dollars.

Bender: ...five hundred dollars, and you could make as much as $500,000.00 in as little as two weeks! (to himself) For me.

Zoidberg (interested): Tell me more...

Bender: All you do is send one hundred dollars to each of these five people. (He indicates the names on the chart... they include Heinrich Von Bender, Yossi Benderstein, Hiro Bendihana, Mobuto Ubendi, and Giuseppe Bendini...) In turn, each of them sends $100 dollars to five other people and so on, until everyone in the galaxy is sending you money!

Zoidberg: Vait a minute... how do I know this isn't some pyramid scheme?

(The conveyor belt and flames freeze. Amy and Fry begin to remove something invisible form their heads... quick cut: they're now standing in the hangar, wearing netsuits, and have just removed their helmets... Amy dashes for her teeny cellphone, which sits on the workbench. She picks it up...)

(On board the PE ship. The three crewmembers can't face each other. Leela puts the ship on autopilot)

Leela: I'm gonna go take a nap.

(She heads toward the back. Fry and Amy look at each other.)

Amy: I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Fry: I'm sorry I blabbed.

Amy: Friends?

Fry: Yeah... There's just one thing I want to know...

Amy: What's that?

Fry: Was it just something we ate, or was there actually something between us?

Amy: I don't know...

Fry: Let's check, then...

(They lean closer. Kiss. Affection... but no heat.)

Amy: That's it, I guess...

Fry: Guess so. Not that I don't think you're cute.

Amy: Of course you think I'm cute! Everyone does!

Fry: And humble...

Amy: Well, at least it won't happen again, right?

(A beat... then they fall upon each other. The Big Smoochies.)

(Meanwhile, in her cabin, Leela dreams... She's in a wedding dress, walking down the aisle. She passes her friends one by one...)

Prof: Congratulations! The man of your dreams awaits...

Zoidberg: May you live happily ever after, until you bite his head off and lay your eggs in his stomach...

Leela: Thanks...

Hermes: I'll need you to sign dese things...

(He holds out a plate of cheese. Leela signs the cheese.)

Bender (in French): The best of luck to you both... (he takes a hot dog out of his chest compartment and smokes it...)

Amy: Miles to go, little Miss Muffet counting down to seven-three-oh...

Leela: Huh?

Scruffy: T'aint supposed to make sense. (He rubs his face with a mackerel)

(She arrives at the altar. Fry's waiting for her. She looks around. Zapp is the best man, Michelle's the maid of honor. The bridesmaids include Umbriel, Morgan Proctor, and Liubot, and the ushers are Adlai, Dean Vernon, and Alcazar. The priest turns around. It's her father, Gus.)

Leela: I can't believe we're finally doing this! It's like a dream!

(She takes his hand... which dissolves into a mass of squirming, wriggling worms... She screams)

Fry: What's the matter? Isn't this what you always wanted?

(Leela continues to scream as the worms begin to multiply and crawl up her arm. )

Gus: Quiet, you'll ruin the performance!

(Leela looks around. For the first time, she sees that the chapel and everything in it are on a stage in a huge, packed theater)

Gus: Everyone in the universe is out there, including us, so we'd better do this right!

Cubert (in the chapel): That makes no sense at all! One person cannot be in two places at once!

Cubert (in the audience): I agree! It's completely preposterous!

Gus: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Leela (staring at the worms, now up to her elbow): I object!

Gus: You can't object, you're the bride! Now, do you, Quivering Mass of Worms in te form of Philip Fry, take Toronga Leela to be your lawful wedded wife, to crawl over, burrow into, and infest, as long as you both shall live?

Fry: I do!

Gus: Then I now pronounce you man and--

Leela: WAIT! Don't I get a say in this?

Gus: Of course not! This is the man you've always wanted. You have to marry him!

Leela: I don't want him!

Zapp: Who do you want? Is it me?

Leela: No. I want.... FRY!

(She awakens...)

Leela: I want Fry.

(Back at Planet Express. Zoidberg and Bender are doing nothing in particular)

Zoidberg: So this is vhat being a vealthy man of leisure is like. It feels oddly like not having a life..

Bender: I hate Robo de Mayo. Nothin' ever happens...

(Smitty and URL burst into the office, guns drawn.)

Smitty: Freeze, slimebags!

Zoidberg: I can't, my slimebag must be kept at room temperature, or else I vill perish...

Smitty: Don't get smart with me, smarty. We got a tip that someone was running an illegal rhombus scheme!

Bender (pointing at Zoidy): It was him! I'm just a harmless dupe! He's he criminal mastermind! Look at that sloping brow!

Zoidberg: That's it, I'm taking you down vith me!

URL: Y'all in it deep, suckaz...

(PE Ship... Leela, walking down the corridor with a purpose.)

Leela: That's it. I'm gonna open that door, and there'll be no turning back.

(The doors to the bridge open. Leela bursts through)

Leela: Fry, I love you!

(She stops, in shock. There, in front of her, Fry and Amy are makin' out like crazy)

Fry (not stopping): Leela, you don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that!

(Exterior shot: Planet Express building)

(Fry and Amy are making out on the examination table, and looking really guilty about it. Fry keeps stealing glances at Leela. Leela stands off to the side, while the Professor looks Fry and Amy over and takes notes, occasionally shaking his head...)

Leela: What's wrong with them, Professor?

Prof (looking at his notes): Hmmm... I seem to have written page after page of complete gibberish. That's odd... Anyway, watch what happens when they're separated, using this scientific crowbar.

(He pries them apart... Immediately, they begin writhing in pain...)

Prof: As you can see, they can't stand being apart for even a moment...

Leela: What's causing it? It's not... love, is it?

Prof: Let's run the Love-ometer...

(He returns to Fry and Amy, who have resumed uncontrollable smoochies. Pulls out a device resembling a blood-pressure tester, except it has two armbands. Slaps one on Fry, and one on Amy, and begins pumping. The display reads "Platonic Friendship". He then removes the armband from Amy and straps it to Leela. The display now reads "Early stages of romance")

Leela: Then...

Fry: That's right. You're the only one I'm thinking of.

Leela: Then let go of her!

Fry: I want to, believe me!

Prof: Quite impossible. Subjects Fry and Wong have recently consumed a large number of aphrodisiacs. In scientific terms, they are "Whacked out on Wowie Sauce". Curse your dreamy eyes, Paul Newman!

Leela: But it'll wear off, right?

Prof: Oh, my, no. You see, normally, Wowie Sauce is harmless, but in two out of every seventeen billion cases, the aphrodisiacs don't wear off and must be manually purged. In other words...

(The Hyperchicken gets up, tucks his wings inside his suspenders. Begins to pace back and forth, very Matlock-like)

Hyperchicken: Now, yo' honah, ah'm just an ol'-fashioned country hyperchicken lawyer. Ah may not have a lot o' fancy book-larnin', or be a member of yo' hoity-toity Bar Assosiation, or anythin' like that. But what ah do know is this: ah have absolutely no idea what ah'm flappin mah beak about.

(Cut to PE lounge. Leela is on the couch, reading a fashion magazine...)

Leela (Amy's voice): I'm too nice.

(Interior, the conference room, which is now a makeshift Lovenasium. Scented candles, lots of velvet, Barry White playing in the background, cham-paggen shilling in a bucket of ice... Fry and Leela in Amy's body have just consummated, and are now cuddling in post-snu-snu bliss...)

Leela: Our first time... wht did you think?

Fry: It felt kinda creepy, y'know, 'cause it wasn't your body...

Leela: I know... it's like I'm wearing clothes that are a size too tight. I can't wait 'til I have my body back!

Fry: Me neither... when does the brain swap wear off?

Leela: Should be around... (something changes in her eyes...)

Amy (groan): He forgot to carry the one...

(Back in court...)

Judge: Now, the theft of money is a very serious crime. However, I understand that all the money was stolen from poor people. Therefore, I have decided to lighten the sentence. Thirty days! (bangs gavel)

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