Thursday, May 25, 2006

I work in an office seperate from the hospital. I have my own space, but there are others that work out front and such. There is a very nice black guy that works here. We talk sometimes, he always has the best smile and always says good morning. He has a lovely wife.

Today, Dee...my friend from the lab came by to say hi. She and I were talking and Nate walked in. He talked to Dee a minute, saying hi to me as well. I took a call while they were talking...and I heard him say something about my music. I always have some gospel music playing. I heard him tell Dee that when he needs a breath, he comes and stands by my door and just listens. He said he doesn't let me know he is there, but he appreciates the music I play. How awesome is that???

What if I had been listening to country or pop or whatever... I wouldn't have been a blessing to him I am sure. Made my day I tell ya!!

Well, I am sitting here at work...not getting much done. My period is due this weekend and all I can think about is .. is this the month. I hadn't obsessed at all until today...and now that is all I can think about. And I have these pictures of Lily on my desk and I can get lost in them. I can't wait for a visit. I want to test so badly....but, I don't want to ruin the weekend with a big ole negatory!

I went with Leslie to meet her parents before their big trip to St. Barths. They are so nice, and they make a wonderful couple. You know how sometimes you can look at people and wonder what on earth attracts them to each other...they are so different. But, you can look at them and they just 'fit'. Her dad said the sweetest thing. Leslie and her mom were walking around with Colin and Devin her nephew....and he said..."Leslie is such a good mom". Then he told me a little about how Burt and her helped raise Devin and that they did such a good job with him too. Mothers say things like that, but for it to come from your daddy...I thought it was special enough to tell Leslie. We got home and watched American Idol...YES, I watch it...and was so glad Taylor won.

Well, I got ambushed and received a call from Doug, our church music director. He informed me that I WILL be singing...and just wouldn't take my excuses not to. He has an amazing voice and has no reason to be nervous. I on the other hand just had a wave of nausea just thinking about it. I don't know how I will be able to get up there. *SHIVER* It is all BURT's fault, and I will get him back!!! Burt gets right up there too...he isn't at all nervous. I wonder if I can get sick on Wednesday morning????

Well, I am leaving early from work for Therapy...PHYSICAL, not mental..ha ha! Sooo I had best get back to work and get some things done.

Ohh...and the song I am supposedly singing is 'Child of God' by the Hoppers.

Child of God, do not be afraidChild of God, trust and obeyHe will walk with you in the wayChild of God, do not be afraid.

Lost and wandering in a world of sinWhy would God ever let me inA cry rang out from Calvary's blood-stained hill"Child I love you, and I always will".

Time will pass, and eyes will start to failTired and weary, life becomes so frailBut I'll not make this final walk aloneThe Lord will Lead me to my heavenly home.

Child of God, do not be afraidChild of God, trust and obeyHe will walk with you in the wayChild of God, do not be afraid.

Hold to God's unchanging handHold to God's unchanging handBuild your Hope's on things eternalChild of God, do not be afraid.

I hope I do it justice, and not fall, trip, yawn, sneeze, cough, spit, pass out, forget, cry, laugh, poot, throw up...annnything weird! I just got to remember to do it for Jesus!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

As you know, I have ...HAD 50 pounds to lose before we do the first IUI. Well, I finally found the scales and weighed....and...drum roll please...

I have lost 17 pounds!! I am so excited. I guess with my back and such we haven't been eating out as much and that is my biggest down fall! Sooo...33 to go!! If Scott gets this job, we are going to see if we can do the IUI sooner, his insurance will end if he takes this job. And his new insurance doesn't cover infertility, and treatments are sooooo expensive. Why can't I just have a baby on my own.....don't get me started!

The MRI showed 2 bulging discs and some arthritis and that those two discs have lost most of the fluid from inside. Oh yay. BUT, he thinks we can make things better with therapy and minimal medications. So, I started therapy yesterday...it was ok, hurt a lot. She said the first one would, they test my limits and such. I go back in the morning. THEN...I get to go back to work on Monday...I am so ready, I have actually missed my job and my patients.

We went to church last night, there were some missionaries there from Mexico...it was awesome to see what they do there. Before we went to church, we went to eat at Beef O'Bradys...one of our favorite places to eat. We met Burt, Leslie, Colin and Leslie's mom there. UNFORTUNATELY, I had to sit across from Burt without Leslie for a while...and we all know how Burt drives me crazy!! He thinks he is funny, but he isn't. He is lucky I love his wife so much...and his baby or I just wouldn't put up with him HA HA!! OK....I do like Burt a little.... I mean it does say in the Bible...Love thy neighbor...Let's Unpack!!Hope

Monday, May 15, 2006

is at an interview right now!! He loves his job, hates the drive and the lack of appreciation verbally and financially he receives. There were promises made when he took the job, that have failed to be realized. Scott is not one to push things, so instead he sits back and waits. He has gotten tired of waiting, mainly because he sees them spending big money elsewhere, and him and his co-workers get like a 2% raise.

He applied for this job months ago. He heard from them, then nothing. THEN, Friday they called and wanted to see him today. Sooo I got him all dressed up, and he is there right now....Really he should be calling me soon saying it is over and what his thoughts are. He looked so handsome...hmm, see if I can post a picture!

aww so handsome! Well, he is on the phone and it went well he thinks. I guess we will see.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

This is a very difficult day to experience every year that I am not a mother. I typically never make it through the church service. Probably 95% of the mother's day services I have been to were preached by my daddy. It is hard to hear him preach about the precious gift of motherhood, how it is a blessing and to know that for some reason God hasn't given me that gift or blessing. It isn't him (dad) it is just hard to deal with. But today, I made it through. It was a very different mother's day sermon than I usually hear. He started out with a story about an 11 year old in Great Brittain that is pregnant with her proud mother standing beside her. She had gotten pregnant during a drinking party by a 15 year old. I had read the story yesterday and was appauled to say the least. He really stressed how mother's impact our lives. How we reap what we sow.

It did get a little difficult when they started giving out gifts to the mothers. I remember how mom would win for the most children at church! Over the years, we let her down at that. That is a regret, and today, I wish I could have been with her. I wonder if any of her children were at church.

We came home and went across the street to our friends for lunch. I got there and Leslie came out with a gift for me from Colin. *smiles* I did shed a few tears. It was a beautiful plaque and a card...and some of the CUTEST pictures. It said to Mommy Hope. *sniffles* While Leslie and Burt cooked I got to rock him to sleep. He is such a good baby. He is so sweeeeeet.

It was difficult when we were quite in his nursery, him laying in my arms asleep...I couldn't help but cry and wonder WHY?? God's timing I know, and I will have a baby.... I could be pregnant right now! If it is God's will! But, with my back, I doubt it...plus I have been taking meds and having xrays.

I am so blessed, I shouldn't ask for more, sometimes I can't imagine my life fuller...but my empty arms...make me want a baby every day.

I found this poem...

A Talk With My Unborn Childa poem by Amy Borens

These arms of mine are still empty,It's been far too many years.I can hardly keep them hidden,The heartache and the tears.

I am waiting for you, sweet angelTo bless my life, my heart, my soul.I think I've been a good wife,Now I want so much a mother's role.

My life doesn't seem complete.You are not there to hold.A big piece of my life is missing,Your destiny is yet untold.

I see you in my dreams, baby.Ten little fingers and toes.You have your Daddy's blue eyes,And your Mommy's ears and nose.

When my eyes are closed I think,Will your room be pink or blue?And how much of my life will passBefore all my dreams come true?

Will I ever know the joyOf rocking you at night?Telling bedtime storiesAnd tucking you in tight?

Will I ever be able to comfort youWhen you fall and scrape your knee?To kiss and make it betterAt the tender age of three?

Can I watch you graduateAnd drive you to the mall?Your dad could take you fishingAnd teach you to play ball.

Will you make me a gradmaWhen I am old and gray?Looking back at my life,I would be blessed in every way.

So why have I been left behindWhen I have so much to give?I would gladly show you the whole worldIf you could only come to live.

I go home every nightAnd fight the tightness in my chest.The silence is so deafeningIn my big empty nest.

God has a plan for meAnd I shouldn't have such fear.But why you can't be in my lifeHe hasn't made quite clear.

I pray for you llittle oneEveryday, can you hear?So tell God we are readyTo hold you forever dear.

You would never go without.We would shower you with love.My little piece of heavenSent from up above.

*sniffles*

Happy Mother's Day!

Misti, if you read this....Happy first Mother's Day. I remember last year when I bought you the card when you were pregnant, I am sure today has been so special for you. I will try to call you tonight. I love you and am so proud of you!!!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Well, I am not sure if I posted that we were moving into our new house....God blessed us so much...it is right across the street from our Best friends from church...

I will post some pictures later. It is 3 bedrooms, 2 baths with a nice kitchen living room and garage. But...things are still in boxes, because I have hurt my back...

During the move, I have hurt my back. I went into work that monday after the move and couldn't handle it. I went straight to the doctor. She said she thought it was muscle spasms along with a strained lower back and muscles. She said she could see the muscles spasming under the skin. I didn't think muscles could hurt so badly, but...I was miserable. She gave me drugs and some instructions and I went home. I was supposed to lay on the floor on my back for 30 minutes at a time several times throughout the day. Well, that just made it hurt worse. I did do the heat and cold and meds, and still tried the laying on the floor. By Wednesday, it was worse. I was supposed to return to work on Thursday...but there was no way. I called her and she said to give it til Monday and if no better, call her. I continued the meds and tried some stretches and such. I had paid for and signed up for a ladies retreat in Charleston. I called to tell them I wasn't going, but they talked me into it. They promised they would make me comfortable and I didn't have to do any of the activities. So, I went. I was miserable. I attempted to walk out to the beach and sit in the sun...but, I got out there for 5 minutes and tearfully walked back to the room and took a pain pill and rested for 4 hours. BUT, I enjoyed the devotions and speakers and such, and it was something I needed to hear. I was feeling so inadequate at church, I just don't do enough. I turn things over to God, but I take them back all the time. The theme was walking with God, and what kind of shoes I am. It was wonderful!! BUT, Monday came and I didn't call the doctor...I went to her office. She sent me straight to an orthopedic doctor and then he set up physical therapy and an MRI. I had the MRI yesterday and will get the results on Monday. He is concerned that I have a disc problem, I have pain going down each leg and numbness in my feet. I had to have an MRI when I was diagnosed with migraines, and I don't remember it being so bad. But laying down on that hard table and squeezing in that tube was miserable. She had to pull me out because I couldn't stand the pain. But I did finish it.

There is a sea of boxes in the garage that I can't unpack until I am better. If I let Scott do it...I would have panties in the kitchen and forks in the closet!Mother's day is here, it is the hardest day of the year for me. I hope next week I will know what is wrong and it will be fixed and I cant get back into the swing of things!

Chris is living with us, and though I was concerned how it would be...it has been great. He is so helpful and he even cooks!!! He has been going to church with us, and I really hope he finds some peace and his way back to God. He is even interested in attending the prophecy classes!!

I have to get out and get some cards to send out for Mother's Day, I hope I am not too late.....but late is better than NEVER! I just mailed out moms Easter card this week...lost it in the car and just found it!

This is something I was going to post a few weeks ago. The move and my back has kept me from doing a lot!

This was something I posted in my journal on the 18th.

About 8 months ago, I was at work. I work for the lab, but not in the lab very much. There is an office separate from the hospital that I work in. I stayed late one evening and went over to the lab and a patient walked in. Typically there are at least 2 other people in there that can take the paperwork and draw the patient's blood. But I was it! I could see this lady was upset, she was teary eyed. Her lab order was for a beta HCG. It will tell how the baby is progressing by a number. If it is low, then it is probably miscarrying. I wasn't sure if she knew she was pregnant or what. I usually don't ask, as you know...I am sensitive to pregnancy. Well, my mouth opened and I just started talking. I asked her if she was to find out if she was pregnant. She said, "I am 8 weeks and went in for my ultrasound and exam and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat or the baby." She sobbed and said "they told me my baby was dead and that I have to have this to see if I will need to have a D&C or if I passed it naturally or will soon." My heart broke, I could feel my throat tighten and my eyes well up. I walked her back to the chair and she grabbed my hand and said "My God is good though, if this is meant to be, it will be." I smiled and squeezed her hand and said He is good and we are going to pray that that baby is ok and God can make it so! I drew her blood through tears, and we held hands and prayed over that blood. The tech that was there to run it was a Christian friend of mine and she cried at the story as well, and prayed too. I walked back out and told her it would be about 30 minutes for the test to run but she could wait there. She asked for me to take her to the chapel so she could pray. I walked her around and left her there, and went back to take care of some things. My heart and mind was so heavy for her. I wondered if I encouraged her enough, did I make her feel worse by saying God has a plan, did I give her a higher expectation that things would be ok...when they might not. I went down a few hours later and checked with Dee. She almost shouted when she told me, her numbers were PERFECT! That baby was there and when she called the doctor with the labs he said he was calling the patient in for another ultrasound the next morning. That he was sure she was losing that baby. I waited a week, a little afraid to call her, the devil was making me doubt what God can do! I called her and said, hi, I know you probably don't remember me...I am the girl that drew your blood the other day. She stopped me cold...she said, "I do remember you...Hope, you gave me just that-HOPE, I will never forget you". She told me that the doctor began the ultrasound and immediately heard the strong thump, thump, thump of the baby’s heart. There was the baby on the screen, the same one that had been empty the day before. She told me the doctor said he couldn't explain it, she told him...it was a miracle, God did it. God gave her back her baby. He said it was a miracle, yes...the doctor said that! We talked a couple of minutes, crying and praising God for this miracle. Then she said the most amazing thing to me. "Hope, when I came in, I was questioning God, I was angry and didn't know how I would tell my husband." She said, "You gave me hope, you prayed with me, you made me feel ok with whatever God had in store." "If it is ok with you, if this baby is a girl, can I name her Hope?" I could barely speak with the lump in my throat. I was in such a valley of my own, and here...when I think I don't do anything for God, I did do something. I told her that that was the sweetest, most wonderful thing anyone has ever said to me. I would love for her to do that. We prayed again and said good bye.

Today, Dee calls me. She told me that the lady came by the lab on Saturday to show her something....a beautiful, healthy almost 8 pound new bouncing baby GIRL! Her name....Ashton Hope. I was so excited, I called the mother and she told me that she was bringing the baby to see me soon. So I can see my namesake! She said that she will never forget us praying her baby back into her belly. She said the doctor told her family before she left the hospital, that this was truly a miracle. Sooo, needless to say... I have been choked up all day. God put me there for her. I have no doubt. I never stay late, and if I do...I avoid the lab. God knew I needed to be there, that Dee needed to run that test. If it had been any of the lab girls that were working that night, they are not Christian and wouldn't have prayed like we did and wouldn't have been as blessed by the result like we all were. For it to have been me and Dee taking care of her...It was all God's doing! Since then, I try not to second guess doing something out of the ordinary.

I shared this story on the Fertility site I am a member of. Also, it seems so much easier to share my faith when I type. It has given me more strength to also share it face to face. I have had several patients lately tell me that they are so blessed by my spirit or by something I say. I thank God for allowing me finally to be able to really show what he means to me. I think back how my mom would embarass me so much when she would 'preach' to people. I hear her coming out of me every day!!

These are some comments I received lately at the Fertility site:

That is beautiful!! God used you to make a difference in the woman's life -awesome!TTCinNCThat is such a beatiful story, Im sure she is so greatful that you were there for her. Its amazing how God will put you in the right place at the right time. This is an example of how amazing God works!StephanieHope I admire you so much for the strenght that you find in God! I love how you are not afraid to share your faith on this board, knowing that there are those here that do not believe. This story is such a testimony of how God works, and how he does answer prayer and how much he loves us! I praise God that you were there for this lady and her beautiful, healthy baby girl!

Hope, thanks for sharing that story. You are truely amazing. God is able & one day we will all have our prayers answered.SweetDallasHope,That is such a beautiful and heart-warming story. God works in mysterious ways. I'm happy he answered this mothers prayers. Being kind to others in their time of need is truly selfless.Baby dust....That is such a beautiful story Hope, thanks for posting it. That story brought tears to my eyes. I remember that same exact feeling the women you helped felt. I wish someone would have been there to help me in that situation. Instead I prayed and was let down. For the longest I blamed him for taking my baby, even though I know today He only did it because something was wrong and he has my baby with him now, looking down at me everyday. You are such a blessing, and have such a big heartSmillerWhat a true deciple you are! YOu have given us all such HOPE and you remind us of our faith. Thank you for that! May God continue to bless us all! MichelleHope that was so beautiful thank you for sharing, miracles do happen and I am a true believer in them. There was definately a reason you were named Hope, because you truly share that with others!!RobynOf all the stories and sharing we have on this thread, this one really got me and just couldn't stop crying. Last time I cried this hard was when DH & I were anxiously waiting to see the results of our HPT when we got our BFP a month ago. Thank you for being the christian person you are and for making a difference. I know GOD will reward you with your bfp very soon and when you least expect it. I believe in miracles and in all of God's blessings and masterplan for us. I had my 1st ultrasound last week but there is no heartbeat yet and need to wait till upcoming Monday, april 24 for my 2nd ultrasound and hope we can see the heartbeat then. Oh, how I wish you had drawn my blood! You are in my thoughtsHope, Thanks for adding truth to this site. God is so real and miracles DO happen!! You have such a good heart! Thanks for sharing your special experience with us!!This was my reply...I have read every comment at least twice, and I have been so humbled. I told this story to hopefully encourage someone here. I am speechless at what you have all said. As far as my faith, it does get tested and shakey...but everyday, I see something, hear something or feel something that strengthens it again. And as far as sharing it... I hope I don't offend anyone, my mother always said that it is better to let your light shine in what you say or do than to push it down someones throat. I have my beliefs and views, but I would never force them on anyone, and I respect people enough NOT to belittle them or make them feel bad for something I don't agree with. Thank you all again for your comments. I was reading them and crying and my husband thought I was upset. I handed him the laptop and let him read, and he started crying!!

then I got this reply....

Hi Hope! I just wanted to let you know that you were the topic and primary example last night at my small group bible study! We were studying the B attitudes, I believe it is Matthew 5, and we were talking about verse 15 & 16 (I think that's the right verse) about letting your light shine, and our Pastor asked us what we thought that meant. I shared with the group how you had made the comment that it is better to "let your light shine than to shove it down someone's throat". I think that is truely what "letting your light shine" is. Being a testimony to God's love and sacrifice in all that you do and letting others see Jesus in you. You are definetly an awesome example of that and I wanted to let you know that your "light" is shining and encouraging me. Thank you for who you are, and thank you for sharing it with us here on this board!

Because of Him,

Kari

This made me feel so good, and made me realize how much I appreciate what my mom taught me. Maybe one day she will read this.