Secret footballer reveals all about what the AFL teaches on sex, women and social media

Amy Gray

An anonymous athlete’s article for The Age’s "Real Footy" section claims that social media has curtailed players' sexual exploits. It also shows that there are pockets of the AFL resistant to accepting the modern world. Or women.

According to the “Secret Footballer”, it is “the fear of being exposed on social media – as opposed to any of the AFL’s well-meaning lectures – that has forced a change in behaviour, and this collective show of restraint”.

This, the player tells us, is evidence that the AFL has truly changed.

The footballer doesn’t reference any other reason for the change in sexual conduct, despite the ample influences that could provide guidance. He’s certainly not guided by the many books and articles that examine the AFL’s long history of sexual misconduct, expensive education programs offered, the myriad police charges and court trials or even the revolutionary notion that people outside the players’ room might actually deserve respect. None of these factors figure in the footballer’s world, it’s just the threat of public exposure or club penalties.

Advertisement

Exposure and penalties mean accountability – that apparently injurious burden that holds people responsible for their actions even if they play football. Nowhere in the article does the player mention learning how to treat women better, rather, that he and others just learnt to hide from potential accountability.

Footballers haven’t learnt how to treat women better, they’ve just learnt how to avoid the sort of trouble that will get them trending on Twitter.

Within these anonymous and crude observations lies the failure of the AFL’s attempt to improve player conduct. While attempting to stifle potential scandal, the AFL has created a culture where players fear understanding society as much as they fear penalty and exposure. While a punitive measure may give some results - such as reduced complaints or fewer "scandals" (a popular euphemism for misconduct) - it does little to create actual change.

Because there is no cultural change in sight when a footballer describes women as “loot”, “curvaceous beauties” or “spoils”, objects at a player’s disposal rather than actual people.

Even the anonymous player’s attempts to distance himself from his team backfires when he manages to again refer to women as objects for footballer bonding and entertainment, “I’d consider myself the ultimate team man in regards to the manner in which I play the game, but group sex has never been my go. Maybe it stems back to my childhood when I was unwilling to share my toys with other kids.” Maybe it stems from the fact he feels comfortable resisting any attempt to view women as anything other than a novelty item that only requires batteries to leap into compliant action.

The player writes “I should say the women were always willing participants in the fun; no one was being coerced to do anything they didn’t want to. Sometimes they were even the instigators. Some became known for their accommodating behaviour within the AFL playing fraternity. They seemed to enjoy it; we did, too.”

When a footballer is at pains to show consent was given, it suggests a culture that views consent as a troublesome obligation. The women “seemed to enjoy it”, but the player won’t speak with any certainty on the matter. Women who instigate sex with one or more players are presented as curious objects, novelties incapable of the same level of sexual choice and variety as footballers.

The very fact the removal of “group sex” is highlighted as the sole act removed in order to show drastic change underscores this failing. Taking one kink off the sexual menu doesn’t show change at all - adding women as equal participants rather than “accommodating” objects on the menu will. Exposure doesn’t arise from engaging in group sex or whatever kink which might interest a footballer, exposure arises from the fact women are still mistreated or viewed as less than equal in these exchanges.

The declaration of “drastic change” within the AFL strikes a particularly bitter tune when women are also painted as calculating. “It was hard to get a handle on some of the participants' motives – and whether they wanted to profit from these liaisons by selling their story. A key figure in our playing group, after one particularly dicey episode where the boundaries were pushed, recognised it was only a matter of time before things turned ugly.”

Let’s drag these statements out into the light so we can see them for what they truly focus on: this isn’t the language one uses to discuss consensual sex, which is by and large unreported and considered benign by the media. This is the language used by men who don’t understand that the actual incidence of false rape charges in Victoria is 2.1 per cent. Such language also shows some players refuse to concede consent contains more than blurred lines of confusion.

How is this “drastic change”? How can the AFL comfortably dismiss these as personal views that in no way represent the clubs or organisation? Because there’s at least one club with a player who can’t be trusted near a computer, let alone women.

If drastic change truly occurred, if the casual disregard of women as fodder to share amongst teammates as either sexual objects or tall stories was a thing of the past, then why are we reading the account of a footballer who won’t put his name to the article? Because change has not occurred when players can only tell it like it is when protected by anonymity in an attempt to dodge accountability for their views and behaviour towards women.

There is no question that there are men within the AFL who can interact with women without the threat of penalty or social media exposure to restrain them. Far from being outliers or heroes, these men should be considered the norm. Nor should this unsigned article indicate any flaw with the education programs designed to inform players about racism, drugs, alcohol, gambling and the ever-confounding existence of women.

What it does show is that some players – even those using a pen name – are paying cheap lip service to these programs and rejecting attempts at education and conduct required not only by their club but also society.

This lip service is potentially supported by the AFL and clubs if those key messages are not repeated throughout the year. Raising awareness and improving player conduct should be an ongoing commitment that education happens every day of the year, no matter the season or position on the ladder.

The AFL must work harder to educate their players beyond escaping the glare of accountability – because it’s hard to shine a light in every dark corner in 140 characters or less.

Amy Gray is a freelance journalist.

9 comments so far

The "secret footballer" just re-enforced what a larger section of the community already believes. That being a footballer in our society means that laws and moral conduct is something for "other" people. Until the AFL can get the message accross to these "boys" and make them understand that being a "Man" means having respect for everyone regardless of gender, race etc they will remain under the misguided belief that being famous makes you above everyone else. His words didn't surprise me, sports people in this country are treated like gods instead of what they really are "people who are good at sport" Of course there are exceptions to that rule, many in fact but while people like him still voice and believe this kind of rubbish nothing will change. Call it growing up if you will but I would suggest it is a belief of "self entitlement" that these young boys feel they have earned?

Commenter

Lisa

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 6:11AM

There are obviously girls that enjoy participating in certain sexual encounters with footballers, and a documentary that explores that culture exists. I really do not think it is helpful to judge anyone on their interest in group sex. What is harmful is the attitude that women are around only for that. This article, and books like Night Games, exposes how some footballers (because there are decent ones who are probably appalled at being lumped in with the ignorant ones) think that all women they meet are interested in the sexual behaviour they enjoy as part of their culture and entitlement. I have had the experience of being pressured to accept attention from one of these men, ending with a belligerent ' don't you know who I am??' That was in a bar, not a bedroom.

Commenter

LJanes

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 8:03AM

Thank you LJanes for drawing attention to Anna Krien's book, Night Games, which follows a court case involving AFL players and allegations of rape. The issues raised in The Secret Footballer column are the tip of the iceberg in terms of the incredibly complex range of factors that Night Games intelligently and fairly addresses. For me, Bob Murphy's column this week was the big shocker. I was left shaking my head after reading about the "players-only" morale-lifting game involving Ricky, The Dice, a Grand Poohbah and The Boss, and wondering if playing AFL stunts emotional growth.

Commenter

Megan Mogg

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 5:32PM

Why don't you do an article about the women who actively pursue well paid, buff athletes and willingly participate in these activities? Or would that be critical of women? It takes two to tango, and it is too easy to pick off AFL players as targets for the sake of a quick article like this. There are two sides to everything - where's the other side?

Commenter

The Commentator

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 10:47AM

Exactly. None of these women is forced in to this slutty behaviour. They make a choice. Now deal with the consequences.

Commenter

Good to be King

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 7:03PM

Agreed. Well said! Yes, how about a story on how some women (not all women) slyly manipulate men for their own ends.

Commenter

The Crung

Date and time

April 05, 2014, 7:29PM

i understand the point of this article and i agree with it, however it was very rambly and quite angry.I would also suggest that it is based on the assumption that the anonymous writer is actually an AFL player.Quite possible the writer is not who he or she says he or she is.

Commenter

Annon

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 11:44AM

How do we know that the secret footballer is either; male, a footballer, or an afl footballer. The writer is anonymous. Correct me if I am wrong but this article and an article in yesterdays paper seem to make that presumption.

Commenter

Peter

Date and time

April 04, 2014, 12:17PM

I knew a kid who grew up to be a well known AFL footballer. During the period he was well known almost every time he went out for a drink or to socialise with his friends, women would throw themselves at him, just wouldn't leave him alone. After these women had consumed a few drinks they'd come up to him and grab him on the arms, chest and butt. He got really bloody sick of it and avoided these places as much as a young man with mates can.

So Amy I know it doesn't fit your world view but women are very capable of choosing to be sexually aggressive. And if women like this. or any woman for that matter, choose to take part in group sex, why are they treated differently to the men who are also taking part in these activities. I think you need to understand that not every woman who takes part in these activities is a victim.

Most Commented

Special offers

Hodson's daughter: Witness protection not safe

"I feel sorry for anyone coming into witness protection," says the tearful daughter of police informer Terence Hodson after the State Coroner delivered an open finding into his murder and that of his wife Christine in 2004.