I want to break my arm. Get a cast. All of that. My right arm. Is it hard to do? I don’t think there’s much shame in doing that for attention is there? How can I do that without really hurting the rest of me and without looking stupid? I could fall off my bike onto a curb, but that would have to wait until the spring. I could get in a car accident, but then someone else could get hurt. I could get pushed down on the ground by someone. I do get pushed a lot, but nothing happens. I could fall down the stairs at school, or home. But that’s scary. I think stairs would be the best thing. Not at school though, I could really hurt my head. Maybe I should. How could I do it? I’m a klutz, so it wouldn’t be a surprise. I’d be more likely to hurt my leg though, and that would still work, but it would be inconvenient. Especially if I had crutches. I should do it. I should break my arm. How? When? Where? I want anything too bad though. Just a mild fracture. I don’t want to snap anything. How?

I went to a website of surrealist artist Rene Magritte. Really nifty stuff. High realism but with surreal subject. Huh. I printed off probably his most famous painting, “Sum of Man” which is a guy with an apple right in front of his face. I like it.

Got my second Hepatitis B shot today. Didn’t tell K____ about the shirt. All I can do is crack bad jokes or make small talk when I’m around her. Argg! I want to be with her, hold her. Close, smell her, taste her. Feel her against my body. Just be.

Got a real internet homepage today. Pretty crappy and very little lee-way unless you fork over the cash. Oh well. I just have to master HTML and I should be able to make it pretty good.

I got some good looks at M____ today after school. She’s nice. Too cool for me though. I gotta get a haircut. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow. Just like my dad. “Hey dad, can I get this?” “Maybe next week Matt.” Next week never comes and so I’m left without it.

I oughta get a job. Get some cash flow. Get some confidence.

I should be getting my theremin soon. I think. What else? I should be getting something else in the mail soon. I wonder what it is. If it exists even.

When I saw K____ outside the gym in line for vaccination she looked kinda strange. Probably just nervous I guess. I said to D____, “Don’t worry D____, it only hurts a little.” I can never think of anything really funny in front of K____. It’s usually really lame. I just sorta stutter and can’t get the words out. How can I get confidence?

It will be called “Invisible Me” or something else. Do you think anyone would read a book about a nobody? I don’t know. There might be some novelty to it. It would be interesting I think. I could write it in three parts.

The first part would be my life up to part one. The second part would be how part one affected my life and part 3 would be released in my last years as I look back on my life. It would be a life long venture. Could be very interesting. Thing is though, many of my readers might be dead by the release of the third book. I should start soon. I don’t know how or when I’d write it though. Maybe I should wait until the summer. Write my life up to there and then write on each consecutive summer about the past year. I’d use my journal here as a reference and keep going until I’m thirty or so. Or maybe until my life gets interesting. That’s a good idea. I’ll have to make a list of life goals.

I could have told K____ about the shirt today. I didn’t forget. It wasn’t that I didn’t have an opportunity I just missed. In fact I had a great chance! K____ was standing RIGHT next to me and J____ W____ said to D____, “You suck!” Now, maybe if K____ had said it then I could’ve said something. Maybe I might have. I don’t know. To quote Weezer: “My baby I’m afraid I’m falling for you”. How poetic.

How about, “I’m told she’s a lesbian. I tought I had found the one. We were good as married in my mind, but married in my mind’s no good”. No, it just doesn’t exactly apply here. Well, not the first line anyway.

I should hypnotize myself to have more confidence. Enough to say, “Hey, you know how you said you wanted a t-shirt that says, “you suck” on it? I know where you can get one”. That’s all. I’m sorta hoping for S____ to not be at school one day, or week, so I could sit with K____ and the gang, or maybe they’d come sit with me, like last time because I’m “lonely”. That would be good. Get the sympathy thing going. But then again, how on earth could I ever ask if I could sit with them? They invited me over to their table once in Grade 9 I think, that was nice of them. Maybe they’d do that again. Thing is though, K____ is never there at the beginning of lunch.

My Huevos Rancheros CD is in. I have no money. God dammit. I need a haircut. Mom says we’ll get my CD on the weekend. Shit. K____ F____ wants me to come over to his place to help with a video for geography. I could go over there on the sunday maybe. I’d have to do my homework and get the CD on Saturday. Unless I went for the haircut and CD on friday, then I could go to K____ F____’s on Saturday and do my homework on Sunday.

Well, I didn’t tell K____ about the shirt today. But tomorrow for sure. I have the perfect opportunity too. Right before driver’s ed. Hopefully I’ll be able to before that, but I doubt I will if I have the chance. Oh well. I should ask her to see that new Romeo & Juliet movie with Claire Danes. It looks good. Seriously, it does. I wonder if she likes me. Everybody likes me, but I mean likes me, you know? Of course you do.

I NEED A HAIRCUT DAMMIT!

Stressful day in Comm. Tech. today. Editing shot. and essay (1200 words) Shit. In art we’re doing gargoyles. I want to do a troubled businessman. And I think I will.

T____ in math said, “Hey Matt, close the door.” as soon as I walked in. I walked behind K____ for a few feet. I got a glimpse of M____ from behind and again waiting for the bus. S____ F____ said, “What you doing back here Matt?” and I said, “Checking when my thing is.”

It was a rather eventful day in delusional romances today. I wonder what kind of music they all like.

I NEED A HAIRCUT DAMMIT!

M____’s wearing a Treble Charger t-shirt in the yearbook. I think K____ likes The Cranberries. I like them too. T____’s in grade 10, but I like her anyway. I hope my Huevos Rancheros CD comes in soon, but then again, I have no money.

I hope my theremin comes back soon. There is some sort of duty screw up or something that will hopefully be cleared up quickly. I’m helping K____ F____ with a geography project video and I haven’t started on my own. Shit!