Fate/Stay night is some sort of porn game from the ancient days of 2004 where you find out you're a wizard and summon King Arthur as an anime girl waifu.

13 years later, they have not stopped doing that thing with the / mark. But they made a phone game and people seem to like it, so let's check it out. Let's play Fate/Grand Order.

Looks great.

We begin the story mode and are immediately thrust into madness. I missed grabbing an exterior shot, but our story apparently begins in a futuristic research facility in the middle of an arctic wasteland. I'm told that I am human, which is good, and that I'm being scanned in. The lobby AI tells me we're in Chaldea, and puts me in a simulation battle to make sure we remember that this is a mobile RPG and not just a visual novel.

Then I pass out. I wake up in a hallway with a girl who calls me Senpai.

And this guy, though I don't know who he is either. According to them, it's common to just pass the hell out after doing a battle simulation. Probably shouldn't just shove random new people into it while they're in the waiting room, then.

There is a lot of dialogue. A LOT of dialogue. I cut down the screenshots for this post by half, and then by half again, and it's still like 50 images. While it's well written, we can condense it down pretty easily, especially since right now a lot of stuff is just happening without me knowing what the hell it is. Apparently I can do a Spiritron Dive though.

I don't understand a damn thing, my dude.

Oh, so we're not childhood friends or anything, she's just weird. I can roll with that. At least we're on the same page now.

Thankfully, it's the first day of future arctic hell school, so there's going to be orientation.

Why IS she calling me Senpai?

Okay. Sure. So she just does that I guess.

She calls everyone Senpai. But watch out, because she doesn't just call anyone Senpai!

Those sure are words that mean things. My friends discuss the fact that the new director won't like me, and briefly consider hiding from the orientation in the bathroom "in protest". That's too weird even for them, though, so we get out of the hallway and head to the next post in this thread.

Here we are in the super cool assembly hall. I'm not sure where anyone is sitting or standing based on the picture here but my assigned waifu Mash helpfully describes that I have to sit right in front of the Director.

Also, I'm still dying from the simulation they forced me into, apparently. I need immediate medical attention, but forget that, the Director is speaking. I already feel so Japanese.

That sure is a name.

Time for exposition, now I'll finally know why I'm here and what we're--

WHOOPS. I wake up in a hallway again. This feels more like MSPaint Adventures than FSN.

So I passed out in front of everyone but at least I wasn't unceremoniously dumped in a hallway. I guess Mash was carrying me over her shoulder or in her arms.

THEN THIS THING SHOWS UP

Mash reassures me that mascots leaping at her face is just part of everyday life here. I roll with it.

Mash reassures me that he has accepted me, and then says this. One or both of us may have brain damage. I'm not sure anymore. Eventually, she leaves me to rest in my room.

Inside my room, I encounter this guy, who is just looking for a place to hide from responsibility. He doesn't seem so bad.

Yes, thank you, that's where we were in the plot. I came here and the Director got mad at me for passing out because they forced me into a VR battle that stole all my blood or something. This doesn't seem very fair.

Dr. Roman then spends more time talking about himself. He sounds like kind of a buttmonkey, but a lovable buttmonkey. Thanks, game, it could have been worse. Apparently literally every other person in the facility was needed for the mission, except him, because he's a medical doctor and they decided the "Coffins" measure vitals just fine. It seems like you'd want someone on hand anyway in case like, the whole coffin breaks, so either Roman sucks at his job, the Director is an idiot, or both.

I worry things are gonna get weird again, but Dr. Roman is pretty chill. He just wants to hang out. Offers me cake later.

Leff, the dude we saw in the hallway when I woke up from my VR stroke, chimes in remotely. Seems he thought about what I said and actually DOES want a doctor on hand. They're learning.

That's not good! There's sirens, and then a screen shows us what's going on.

EVERYONE IS DEAD

Dr. Roman tells me to get to safety while he rushes into danger. I follow, along with Fou.

EVERYONE IS DEAD

A whole bunch of shit is happening now, good lord. We still don't know what a Rayshift is, but it's happening, whether or not everyone is dead and on fire. Dr. Roman has left to attempt to start the backup generator, leaving us behind.

oh good another amazing thread that will merely tease us with tantalizing tidbits, tastefully terminating when terrifically terrible distractible romo goes on a triumphant tear and forgets this thread totally

Mash has a giant shield and a new outfit, and shit's on fire everywhere. I have to give the game credit here for letting me refuse to drop the "gonna kill you" thing.

Maybe that's an easier mistake to make in Japanese. Or maybe Mash is just a dork that can't words good.

To be fair, a lot is going on. Like getting ATTACKED BY ZOMBIES HOLY SHIT

That's good technobabble, Mash. You're kind of cool!

So GREEN increases CRIT on NEXT turn, RED increases ATTACK on THIS turn, and BLUE ah fuck it push buttons

Mash punches a skeleton in the FUCKING face with her giant shield.

It's over in one turn, the first of many to come. I get some XP.

Again, Mash is either experiencing localization difficulties or is just weird. I pick "What was that?", hoping she'll explain why she's worried about my stomach.

She just thinks I'm talking about the skeleton. Nevermind.

Dr. Roman is here on the...hologram thing. Or maybe just audio, who knows. Mash informs him that we both Rayshifted to the past, and are still alive.

GOOD TO KNOW!

The views of Dr. Roman are dumb and do not reflect those of the poster. Mash helpfully reminds everyone she was forced to wear this stupid thing by magical powers. Maybe she can get these victim blamers to stop giving me shit about passing out from their deadly VR sim.

On that note, let's have a look at what actually happened to Mash.

I know just enough about Fate to know that Servants are some kind of magical familiar spirit summoned to do battle. It makes this conversation slightly less eyebrow raising. I can only imagine how this reads going in totally blind.

So Mash is a Demi-Servant, a combination of innocent human girl-next-door and super fighting magical spirit. The whole package!

There are a lot of Proper Nouns being thrown in here up front, but the game actually does a decent job of explaining them later. Which is good because it means they're not gonna waste our time so much. Pacing!

They even apologize for the confusion. How nice!

This entire series is basically just a kink setting. Bonus points for them working "SHE'S YOUR FIRST" in there.

We'll do backstory later, we gotta move the plot! Dr. Roman's feed cuts out, leaving me and Mash to make our way to higher ground.