Life as a family of four

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I truly detest thinking about money, except of course when I’m spending it.

But this year (since july at least cos equality can be a bitch sometimes) it has necessarily been on our minds constantly as we have tried to live on extremely little. It’s been a struggle to keep food on the table and bills paid (eventually), though we do realise just how lucky we are that we have a roof over our heads and enough clothes, toys, entertainment etc to not be overly bothered by almost nothing new.

This will all improve somewhat once I start working again, or at least start getting paid again. But that is not going to be after Christmas. It’s going to be a lean one this year. We have diligently paid off lay bys and gathered bits and pieces here and there so the children (well FF at least cos McB doesn’t really care) won’t feel like they’re missing out and for that I am grateful. We are trying to make do with homemade gifts and ‘vouchers’ for meals and babysitting and favours and such for everyone else. I hope that that goes down ok. And Lazyboo and I will probably forego getting presents for ourselves or each other.

A few things have made this time really hard. Having to forgo social occasions that come up very rarely for us anyway cos we can’t afford it is one of them. And the guilt when we don’t say no, or do something ‘frivolous’ like buy an extra drink when out at a free dinner, or get something to eat instead of just a coffee, or even go out for coffee at all, is no fun at all. That’s happening frequently at the moment now it’s the silly season. It is also increasingly difficult to listen to our various friends/acquaintances talk about buying houses and going shopping and on holidays and out for dinner and and and. I can’t help but feel inadequate when we’re scratching for some change to buy milk.

I was feeling particularly bad about all this earlier today when I realised that neither of us are going to be able to go out to our straight mother’s group girls night out tomorrow because we simply have not got any extra money. Just as well our lovely babysitter couldn’t make it (though I am very sorry for the reasons why). So I called my mother, which was a stupid move really given she usually just makes me feel worse but I can’t seem to rid myself of that instinct. She was at work so I spoke to my stepfather. He congratulated me on my new job and promptly asked me when we were going to be moving to a bigger better house. So not helpful.

For me, it’s like an automatic feeling of shame and inadequacy associated with not being financially comfortable (and let’s face it with a lot of other things too!) I seem to equate success with money and assets (maybe that’s because my parents do?) This is not helpful given the choices I have consciously made for my life. Because we could have money and assets by now. We could be doing very well financially. But I chose instead to stop working ridiculous hours in an ever more demanding career in order to be a present loving parent. It is so much more important to me that I have a close bond with my children, that they are happy and healthy and feel cherished. I feel that my time with them is more valuable than money to buy more things or go on holidays or whatever.

And still now, we are choosing to continue to make the choice to be present for our children. While I am going back to work, it is not full time, and Lazyboo will be working far less so that we can make sure that our children have a parent around most of the time. So while the money struggles will abate somewhat, it will be a long time before we are able to relax financially.

So these are the conscious and deliberate choices we have made. And I am glad that we have made them. But it is oh so hard to not be able to do things and have things. And I continue to feel inadequate when I compare myself with others no matter how often I remind myself that we are doing what’s right for our family.