Mad Osama’s Afghani Real Estate Directory!

We here at Mad Osama Inc. have the hottest real estate deals in all of Afghanistan. They’re hotter than an American fuel-air bomb and that’s plenty hot!! Our founder and patron Osama Bin Laden has personally visited every one of these caves so he knows what great deals they are! But as everyone knows, Osama never goes to the same cave twice (sorry US special forces) so he’s looking for some lucky Afghanis to take these great deals off of his hands! Let’s get right down to business before the Americans show up and kill us all shall we?

Nice and Roomy

Now this is what I call a cave! It’s got lots of room for you, up to 15 wives, 40 children, and as many as a dozen camels! Plus an extra added bonus there is huge cavern full of bats. Now in the past that would of scared some people away. But in these troubling times bat stew doesn’t look so bad (Mad Osama denies reports that there are any vampire bats in these caves. Those are merely American lies!) This cave also has a convenient stream of water nearby. Unfortunately that does often cause the cave to completely fill up with water when it rains but that’s a good way to get rid of wives you get tired of…hahahahahah!!!: — Price Tag? 2 Strings of beads, a bag of American wheat, and 4 shiny rocks.

Fixer Upper

Now this one is kind of a fixer upper. On the upside, it has lots of open air and sunshine. On the other hand it doesn’t have a roof since it was hit with a Russian missile back in 1985. However it does have a terrific natural rock formation in the form of a chair. It would be a perfect spot to put a TV in front of (if TVs were legal and there was any electricity). Also as another added benefit, Osama killed 4 men in this cave and buried them in them corner. Buy this one within the next two weeks and their corpses are free!: — Price Tag? 6 big rocks. This one is so cheap we’re almost giving it away!!

by Sir John Hawkins

John Hawkins's book 101 Things All Young Adults Should Know is filled with lessons that newly minted adults need in order to get the most out of life. Gleaned from a lifetime of trial, error, and writing it down, Hawkins provides advice everyone can benefit from in short, digestible chapters.

Now here’s what I’m talking about! As you can see, this cave has not just one, but two entrances! These caves are super roomy and yet are so low to the ground that they are almost impossible for an American bomber to see from the air. This was one of Osama’s favorite caves. In fact he was planning to actually come back to these caves and settle down one day (which is why he riddled the area with landmines). Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like Osama will have a chance to retire because of some unforseen circumstances beyond his control. Make Osama’s loss your gain!: — Price Tag? 5 big rocks, 9 shiny rocks, 4 strings of beads and 2 camels (Mad Osama is not responsible for the deaths of children, wives, or livestock because of landmines).

Hidden Fortress

This is the best of the bunch! These caves have had extensive work done on them and they are a perfect hidden fortress for any mujahideen on the go! These caves have everything! Do you have some crazy American marines or British SAS sneaking in your front door? Well no worries, this cave has 3 ways out! That’s right, I said 3 ways out! Plus these caves are almost bomb proof. They are so deep that nothing short of a nuclear weapon is going to send you to meet those 72 willing virgins in heaven (or to hell, please consult your mullah for guidance). If you find a safer cave in all of Afghanistan, Crazy Osama will eat his turban!: — Price 4 camels, 9 sets of beads, 6 bags of American wheat, 11 big rocks, and an Ak-47.

Look for more deals from Crazy Osama next week unless the Americans get here first!