Life coaching the bystanders

It took a few days for the child rape story unraveling at Penn State to really get on my radar. And then I read the grand jury report, was sickened, and had to force myself back through it so I could write an informed column. It was a tormented afternoon.

My amazing friend Erin Weed, a heavy hitter in the campus speaking arena, introduced me to Mike Dilbeck, an expert on bystander behavior and founder of the Response Ability Project. His input was invaluable to my processing of the situation.

When I wrote the piece, football coach Joe Paterno had announced his retirement at the end of this season. As it went live today, he had already been ousted along with the president of the college. I fear we’ve only just begun to hear what was going on in Happy Valley.

10 Comments

Susan See
on November 11, 2011 at 10:38 am

Having been in China the story about the baby run over and killed was not a viable comparison. I know that people think that a moral imperative is “built in” to human beings but there are philosophers who would argue this. I do know that if your culture does not value life because there are so many other things completing for that luxury, then I personally would not call them morally bankrupt. We are, in the end, animals trying to survive and how far we go up the morality scale depends on if we have food, clothing or shelter; if we are physically surviving. And if we feel safe in our environment. In China, it’s not safe.

Also, there is not only oneself to consider in reporting moral crimes. What about the well-being of your own family? If you lose your job, right or wrong, what about your children and your spouse? What if it affects your ability to get another job? What if it affects your life negatively for the rest of your life? It’s too easy to say “You have a duty to do the right thing” after the fact. It’s disappointing that some of these men didn’t make sure this man was not able to attack other young boys. But, obviously the price was too high for them. They did report it, they just didn’t take the chance that anyone really cared. Chances are they would have been left with the consequences. How do all the people taking the moral high ground know for a fact that if they had gone farther that anything would have been done? I don’t think it would have unless it became public. It’s the ugly truth. Would you take the chance of losing everything. Would you be willing to take this to the world? No is probably the answer.

So, life does not always give us the answers we want. We like to think everyone cares if young boys are raped. But they don’t. They care more about a long list of other things. Get off your high horse and realize that if something had to be done you are the only one that can say “I would have made sure something was done.” Don’t pretend to know the cost to someone else. Only you can decide to pay that price. Don’t think you have the right to tell someone else to pay it.

Susan, I always appreciate feedback and you had me up until the point of your “high horse” comment. I indicate in the column it isn’t always easy to decide who we are. I also note that 80 percent of people are the bystanders in life. That means that’s most of us at one time or another.

This is about examples in life — big ones here — that give us pause to ask ourselves who we are. If asking people to go within and reach for their inner hero means I’m on a high horse, then I’m happy to be up on one.

Again, I appreciate you taking the time to write.

Nancy

Megan
on November 15, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Nancy,

I have been involved with the Response Ability project with Mike Dilbeck for 2 years now. I was a bystander. My whole world was changed by the situation. It changed more when I learned WHY I was a bystander, and what barriers were in my way to intervene. My passion for this project developed when Mike Dilbeck came to speak on my campus. And now I pledge myself everyday to live my values, which enables me to no longer be an ostrich.

Reading your article moved me to tears. So eloquently written and such a great call out to those still blocked by these barriers! I appreciate you candor, and your spotlighting the Every|Day Hero Campaign! It really is something phenomenal! I hope your readers will take the pledge and educate themselves about how they can no longer be a bystander.

Megan, thank you for writing. I really wanted people to see themselves in this piece and not just the story unfolding at Penn State. I think Mike’s contribution was invaluable in opening my eyes as well.

I’m so glad you’ve gone within, as they say, and discovered your own inner courage. Kudos.

can’t agree with you more. Please visit my web site and see the columns I’ve written on the penn state story. Although my focus is the media, my message has been the same.
Keep on writing…
Shelley Ross

Hi again Nancy,
Thank you for writing this truly important column!
Both for the speaking up about that Penn State real-life horror story part and for bringing the lesson home.

While reading your article I could not help but think of the times I have seen parents or guardians either verbally or to some degree being physical with the children in their care and “standing by”, just letting it happen.

What you wrote also brings me back to that abhorrent short film “The Lottery” they showed us in primary school … whose lesson is indelibly etched on my psyche. If you never saw it, it is a powerful social commentary on active Bystander behavior. In this we see what occurs when a group deems/ rationalizes collective murder to be a social norm, acceptable, necessary.

The key to what I got from your article is that easily overlooked fact that this behavior, although it seems passive, is actually active. By not doing, you are allowing someone to be hurt. How different is this to doing it yourself? A question for each person’s conscience, I guess. And, in the case of Penn state, for the law to answer as well.

Carlos, I so appreciate the support. I enjoyed your observations here, as they capture nuance and insights I hadn’t thought of.

Betsy
on November 17, 2011 at 11:47 am

Nancy,

Thank you for writing your column and please know that there are some of us, probably more than you and I realize, that share your feelings. I almost constantly expose myself to risk of criticism and negative consequences for standing up for what is right, and I can’t understand why other people don’t. I have picked up people’s litter in front of them, told youngsters in the park to stop their bullying, etc. so I cannot imagine how anyone could stand by while a child was being abused. The excuses that people give for the behavior astounds me as well. For example, I keep hearing that McQueary was 28 years old in a way that makes it seem like he was too young to do the right thing. Are you kidding me?

Don’t give up! You are not alone. I am glad to read things like this and know that I am not either.

Thank you for the words of support, Betsy. Most of my mail on this has been very supportive. I think most resistance on this topic has come from people who perhaps have had a lot of respect for Joe Paterno and his program over the years. This is difficult stuff to digest when you’ve held someone in high regard, whether it’s a coach or parent or mentor.

Plus, I find that the gray area in life often mystifies those who think we’re all inherently good or bad. This column was about “good” people showing poor judgment. That’s most of us.

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