Charlie is – surprise – not sweet

I accidentally caught the end of this episode last night before reviewing it this morning and seriously considered just doing a review based only on conjecture and the five minutes I saw.

But I know you lack Twitter-style invective in your life so I’m here to provide.

Previously on Gossip Girl, Dan and Blair faked a fake kiss which pissed off Serena, all of this was Vanessa’s fault, Raina’s missing mother Avery may have been killed by Chuck’s dad, and Blair loved her prince who magically came to NYC.

Night. Blair, terrible hair. On an annoying cameo phone. (My mother still has one. It’s like she phones from 1973.) Calls her mother to tell her ‘something’ and looks at a fourth-finger ring. Well I never!

One day earlier:

Chuck irritated with newspapers (Blair kissing prince on page 1). Calls his contact to say video is inconclusive. His father wasn’t a murderer so drop it. That was easy!

Blair giggles as Louis snacks on her neck. Mock argue over whether the Met or the Louvre is better. Smirks about how great sex is. He needs to talk to an ambassador. She is gross, clingy, embarrassing.

B is head-over-heels. Dorota worried B moving too fast. S does that passive-aggressive thing she does. “What about his parents?” B believes Louis and she can win the commoners’ love in Europe. Oy. Somewhere, Career-girl B squirms against the chains and gags in the dungeon where she has been stuffed.

Rufus carries tea to Lily watching Downton Abbey. Dan arrives, all but calls his father a butler. Rufus might get a job as a music producer. OK. Dan assures Rufus he and date Charlie are just friends.

Chuck molests scotch bottle. Nate! arrives, thinks Chuck is pajama’d and morose because of Blair. Nate informs Raina will continue to look for her mother. Chuck talks slowly since Nate is simple. “I need you to help me get this done”. Nate skips out, giggling about Blair.

Downtown. Charlie loves Dan’s anthro class. Can an NYC local tell me what this bookstore is? It’s adorable. She’s nauseating about his class, then kisses his cheek when he leaves. Vanessa, hovering like a creepy bridge troll, sees.

Blair and Louis rich people problems – his family is here. Blair curtsies. His sourfaced Maman sneers, Louis is about to be married. Then, hysterically, evil French mother basically calls GG to thank for tipoff of B & Louis– if GG WAS SERENA! OMG SERENA RATTED THEM OUT!

Blair has her feet rubbed by Dorota. Sad she let herself feel things. Then Louis arrives, and Dorota wants to eff him up. He has flowers and he’s not engaged. Yet.

He has to choose at a cocktail party tomorrow night. So…can she come? Easy? B’s all “married at 20, discuss”. Justifies it by saying it’s a fairy tale. B must now meet dragon lady.

Nate bores Raina. Get used to it! She accuses him all uber-angry of not wanting to talk about her mother. Nate doesn’t want her to get hurt. She doesn’t want to get bored of her will to live and leaves.

Rufus. Embarrassing Leather Jacket. Dan and Eric mock. Rufus is panicky. They tell him to bring band to the apt. Dan is all “she loves me. Not my fault”. Everyone worries.

Charlie and Vanessa still at same bookstore. Charlie Aspergers-spits all the boring-gory (new word?) details of V’s bio. Crazy bitch. V leaving to study ‘abroad’. Poor J. Szohr. V wants to help C get Dan so his ‘soul not corrupted’.

Chuck curled up with scotch. Tells lawyer to get out. Lawyer presents a note: Bart Bass meant something to her, then she left. Now Bart Bass has motive! Seriously the way Ed Westwick is sitting in this scene – did he have a raging case of sciatica?

Nate arrives. Offers to take his friend to a chiropractor. OK not really. Says he failed to tell Raina not to look for her mother. Chuck gives Nate the note.

Apartment. Charlie must keep straight face while Dan says “had to return my dad’s lucky Doc Martens”. Charlie has never tasted perogies. Dan tells her he’s not into her. C is all “obviously!” D ruins his life by inviting her. She gets his keys, then texts. Sigh.

Dorota and B with flashcards. S can’t bring herself to so much as smirk. B begs nemesis to come to her public gang-bang engagement. B calls S ‘maid of honor’.

Night. Dan, Eric, Rufus. To see what Charlie did. Set giant formal table. STUPID! Girls are dumb! They never know anything!

Chuck about to crash a party. Grabs a diamond solitaire.

Cocktail cotillion thing . Princessses are announced and curtsey for Evil French Maman. B’s hair been tortured. Why would she do this? Can’t be an accident she’s not in her beloved jewel tones.

Serena’s girls are back out on display though!

Guys try to applaud Charlie’s gross abuse of Lily’s credit card. They conspire to lie to her. She figures it out, and weeps that “I was only doing what Vanessa said!” The Dark Mark begins to burn on her arm…

B is all coked-out-ish as she talks to every socialite in the room. Louis tells S how happy he is he might not marry someone he hates.

Chuck. Drunk. Slurs there’s “somefin she needs to hear”. He lurches to her, she blows him off. Done and done.

Evil Maman’s name is Princess Sophie. I know this because Chuck implies he banged she and a stewardess. C sucks on scotch, admits B makes him jealous. He grabs at her. She tries to pill away from him, breaks some glasses. C demands “tell me where your heart really lies”. He gets yanked.

Maman tells Louis – “End It”

Home. B humiliated. S tries not to smug while not moving her mouth. She’s upping her game. S twists the knife, she felt bad for Chuck. Basically keeping women down is cool for her.

B is like “That’s bullsh, also you sold me out to Louis’ mother”. She then packs so much sense into the next three sentences – notably that Serena thinks her romantic fate was sealed in the 11th grade – that I wonder what I’m watching.

Nate dropped bomb on Raina. Apparently without so much as touching her. Raina is upset, like you are when you find out there’s mass conspiracy, and tells Nate to get out if he’s Chuck’s friend.

Charlie says Vanessa told her to do everything, including ‘get him’. She calls herself a loser and pathetic, which – no kidding. D texts Vanessa – meet @ bookstore in 20. Charlie wants to meet her alone. D agrees, then checks out Charlie’s ass.

B opens her door – Louis, obvs. He overheard her convo w. Serena. Really? Was he hiding in an elevator? Louis wants to do what they want, despite his family. Brings her giant yellow diamond. Blah-blah head-of-state follow-my-heart. He proposes.

Dan and Rufus. How many times a day does he cross NYC? Rufus got a job. Dan blames everything on Vanessa. World is at peace.

Charlie approaches V at bookstore. Explains how she ordered all catered food and crystal. V objects, she said do the opposite. Charlie knows, but that’s not what she told Dan. Sabotaged Vanessa because she’s a great villain. Vanessa cannot even summon an irritated facial expression. It’s more like “paycheck paycheck paycheck”.

Wonky cameras. Loft. Blair’s here. Chuck delighted, in his stumbly stupor. He needs her. Grabs her, starts kissing her neck. She tells about the proposal. He says she can’t marry anyone else. She’s his. He grabs her as if to rape – instead when she swears it’s over, smashes his fist through window. B gets cut.