Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hi IT tech support person! Yes, I know I can visit your website and/or punch buttons on my phone and listen to your pre-recorded messages regarding FAQs. But nothing I’ve read or heard addresses my particular question…yeah, I’ll hold. You have time for me now? Great. It’s Dr. No from the Department of Blah and I have an urgent question for you. Yeah, I’ll hold. Is it possible to have my email account send an automated response to only one particular colleague? Yeah, I know about “out of office replies” and such, I just want a particular message sent to one unique individual every time they email me from any account or foreseeable emailing machine for eternity. What? Yeah, I’ll hold. OK, where were we? Yeah so this needs to be a unique automated reply. I want the message to say “Dr. No has deemed your message idiotic . Your message has been deleted. Fuck Off” can you do that? Damnit, yes I’ll hold. Seriously, this colleague is not from this planet. Their thought process does not in any way resemble a sentient human. No, I will not hold. This situation is far more important than the broken projector in Giant Lecture Hall, and that grad student who for unknown reasons decided to save only ONE copy of their dissertation on that HIGHLY questionable computer in the library. This shituation is IMPORTANT. Yeah OK, I’ll hold. This colleague is driving me nuts with their nonsensical and persistent emailing about random crap no one cares about. Please help me. Wait, say that again? You had a call last week from someone else in my department with the same request? Regarding the same colleague? Why yes, the Alien emailer is a persistent reply aller. Perfect, just set up my account the same way!

Dr. No! Hating on the graduate student who lost the one saved copy of his dissertation? A few years ago I saw flyers by a graduate student up around our building asking people if they had found five pages of proteomics data with a $200 reward being offered. What kind of dumbass keeps *one paper copy* of critical data???

"What kind of grad student has a cool $200 to offer..." A desperate one. A dumbass desperate one. Just like the poster I saw in men's locker room at the hospital gym offering a $200 reward for anyone who had found a wedding ring. Dumbass and desperate.

As a frequently disgruntled University professor I have started this blog to vent my frustrations. I can express my anger here, or unleash it upon my unsuspecting colleagues and students. For the sake of continued employment, lets give this a try.