Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

Family

OCEAN BEACH, NY—Moments after being called to the dining room table and briefed on a lengthy set of rules, local woman Shayla Meyer reported Tuesday that her relationship with Matt Brickell had apparently reached the point where she had to learn his family’s weird card games.

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

SKOKIE, IL—Convening several steps back from the hostess stand for an ad hoc round of discussions, members of the Kalpern family reportedly entered crisis talks Wednesday after learning that the wait for a table at the Cheesecake Factory would be 45 minutes.

ENCINITAS, CA—Proudly hauling her prized prey across the Holiday Inn Express’ patio Saturday afternoon, mother of three Bonnie Cohn reportedly dragged a pool lounge chair back to her awaiting family like a fresh kill, onlookers confirmed.

ST. PAUL, MN—Mentioning that there were some great deals on weekend round trips right now, local mother Carolyn Lynch reportedly recommended a previously unheard-of form of transportation Tuesday that her son could take to travel home.

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

ELKHART, IN—Saying that he likes to indulge her every once in a while, local man Wayne Timmons, 28, reportedly treated his mother to a small detail about his personal life during a phone conversation Thursday.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

ATLANTA—Feeling refreshed after three days of camping in Georgia’s Oconee National Forest, members of the Prendergast family confirmed Monday they had spent a relaxing weekend destroying the great outdoors.

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

ROCHESTER, NY—After sitting through an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom’s best friend, local parents Scott and Linda McNeil were clinging to the lone religious element of their daughter’s wedding, sources confirmed Saturday.

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration over the dearth of options that met her high standards, local mother Shannon Gail confirmed Monday that she was still looking for a preschool that would focus exclusively on her son.

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Asserting that the gesture would mean a lot more coming from all of them, local unemployed man Jeff Thomas reportedly made one final push to his siblings Friday suggesting that they all go in together on a group Mother’s Day gift.

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

ALAMEDA, CA—Thinking back on the moments that brought him the most joy in his life, local 13-year-old Adam Poole reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon reminiscing about several of his fondest memories, all of which were instances when his father was trying to make up for something.

BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying t...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—As they each attempted to avoid the responsibility while still upholding the appearance of selfless concern, the three adult siblings of the MacIntyre family engaged in a tense game of chicken to decide which of them would care for ...

GILBERT, AZ—Saying they couldn’t bear to see their boy upset, unhappy local couple Denise and Peter Gale resolved to stay together for the sake of one of their children, 7-year-old Daniel, sources reported Monday.

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HARRISBURG, PA—Admitting separately that they couldn’t wait to get the ordeal over with, local sixth-grader Ethan Metcalfe and his grandfather Gerald Sonenberg expressed an equal level of dread to reporters Tuesday regarding their upcoming col...

Don’t Eat It

HARRISONBURG, VA—Saying there were plenty of other things to snack on, local mom Susan Weiss announced Friday that she has a plan for the tub of whipped cream in the refrigerator, so no one is allowed to eat it.

ST. PAUL, MN—Admitting there really wasn’t anyone else who came to mind as a viable option, local 32-year-old Emma Weir told reporters Tuesday that she has few enough friends to consider confiding in her younger sister.

MCKINNEY, TX—Instructing him to inquire about everything from his occasional sinus problems to his thyroid levels, local mother Kim Swailes provided her 32-year-old son Patrick Swailes with a list of questions to ask his doctor ahead of an upcoming ...

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday.
Teenager...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls.

HERSHEY, PA—Noting the unprecedented display of effort, Harrington family sources confirmed Thursday that Uncle Jeff put a lot more thought than usual into the gift cards he bought for everyone this Christmas.

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

RICHMOND, VA—Saying that several of them had learned the hard way, members of the Gordon family confirmed to reporters Friday that they knew damn well not to believe Mom’s little bullshit speech about not giving gifts this Christmas.

ELIZABETHTOWN, PA—Voicing displeasure at her blatant disregard for his privacy, area teenager Chad Fleming reported Wednesday that he is fed up with his mother always barging into his room to put away freshly washed laundry.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Progressing swiftly through the same topics but in far less detail, local man Ian Miller’s four-minute phone call with his father Monday was reportedly just a watered-down version of the conversation he’d had moments earlie...

TAUNTON, MA—Noting the limited number of gifts requested and the omission of the year’s most popular toys, sources confirmed Wednesday that 12-year-old David Huffman’s Christmas list demonstrates a heartbreaking awareness of his family...

WASHINGTON—After visiting their parents over the long Thanksgiving weekend, millions of holiday travelers reportedly returned to their daily lives Monday having completely caught up on the CBS procedural crime drama The Mentalist.

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WHEATON, IL—Uttering surprised exclamations and smiling in amazement at her wrinkled, wizened frame shortly after she arrived for the Thanksgiving holiday, every member of the Hostig family complimented their grandmother, Judith Hostig, on how small...

FALMOUTH, ME—Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull’s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material.

MANCHESTER, CT—Following an evening out at a local restaurant with his girlfriend, Emily Lynch, and her parents, 27-year-old Jeff Platt reportedly worked up the courage Thursday morning to tentatively take a shot at bad-mouthing her family for the f...

TRUMBULL, CT—Saying it’s the only time of day when everyone can be together in one place, the Gleason family confirmed Thursday that it strictly forbids smartphones to be used while eating dinner in front of the television.

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EDMOND, OK—Merrily describing the contrast in stature as “a giant next to a leprechaun,” members of the Copeland family Friday reportedly took the deepest delight in the nearly 9-inch height difference between Linda Copeland, 43, and her...

STERLING HEIGHTS, MI—Saying he had displayed a remarkable level of dedication and persistence in recent weeks, members of Patrick Malliner’s family admitted Tuesday that they were impressed by the extra effort the 51-year-old father of two has...

ALBANY, NY—Speaking with reverence about how rampant and devastating the disease once was, local grandfather Raymond Murphy reportedly appeared to be proud Monday of how many people were killed by polio during his childhood.

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AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

SEATTLE—Deftly switching from topic to topic from the moment he answered his phone until ending the call 20 minutes later, local man Andrew Heltman reportedly spent the entirety of a recent conversation with his parents changing the subject.

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MENLO PARK, CA—As part of their efforts to accommodate women who wish to delay parenthood, Facebook officials announced Wednesday that the company will offer financial assistance for female employees to freeze their newborn children.

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PORTLAND, OR—Pointing out the Portland Art Museum and the farmers market in Shemanski Park as he guided them around downtown, area 25-year-old Daniel Hurst reportedly spent Thursday afternoon taking his visiting parents on a tour of the city he expr...

PAOLI, PA—Repeating their request that he take several days off from his job and fly home, local parents Mike and Debra Snyder, who have significantly more time and financial resources than their 26-year-old son Marc Snyder, inquired Monday about th...

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Hummingbird Back At Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports

DES MOINES, IA—Area grandmother Eileen Lankford, 82, announced Tuesday that a hummingbird, which she has reported seeing on multiple occasions in the past several weeks, was back at the birdfeeder outside her kitchen window.

"My little friend was back today," said Lankford, who has spent the past three afternoons periodically looking out the window to check if the hummingbird had returned. "We had a very nice time together."

In a series of voicemail messages and notes to her children, Lankford informed them that the hummingbird stopped by her home at approximately 12:05 p.m.

"I was waiting around all morning, and then suddenly there he was," Lankford said. "I thought the little fellow would fly off right away, but no, he decided to stay for a meal."

Lankford ate a chicken salad sandwich wrapped in a napkin while watching the bird.

The hummingbird

Referring to the hummingbird as her "special visitor," Lankford said she was impressed by the bird's appetite, noting that he "certainly liked to get his tiny beak in there." Lankford was reportedly delighted that the hummingbird found the food to be appetizing, though she did express concern that the small creature might choke from eating so quickly.

Lankford confirmed it was the same hummingbird that had made previous appearances at the feeder, claiming she recognized it by its handsomeness.

"He is quite dapper, and has such a lovely color," Lankford said.

The hummingbird sighting is only the latest in a series of events that has prompted Lankford to compose handwritten letters to her loved ones. In the past year, the grandmother of six has alerted her family members to such occasions as the blooming of the tulips, the blooming of the azaleas, the first dusting of snow, and her birthday.

Although she called it "a shame" that the hummingbird could not stay at the feeder for more than 15 minutes, the recently widowed Lankford acknowledged that the busy bird probably has a family of its own it needs to care for.

"He flaps his wings so much," Lankford said. "I don't know how he does it without stopping to take a nap, my goodness."

Lankford, who received the birdfeeder as a Christmas gift from her two granddaughters in 2005, said her late husband John used to fill the feeder every morning with an artificial nectar solution of water, white granulated sugar, and red food coloring. According to Lankford, a neighbor boy she hired to mow her lawn now performs the task, though on several occasions he has accidentally spilled the solution on the ground.

"I just wish he'd be a little more careful," Lankford said. "That food is for the hummingbirds, not the bees and the ants."

Lankford has experienced a number of other setbacks with the birdfeeder in the past few months, including mold forming inside the apparatus, and the wind blowing it to the ground. The feeder, however, sustained no permanent damage, and was able to be restored to its proper position three weeks later when Lankford's son visited to install her bedroom air conditioner.

The hummingbird's appearance marks the most notable event to take place in Lankford's backyard since May, when Lankford reported seeing a cat she didn't recognize.

Although the small bird has not returned since Tuesday, Lankford plans to remain stationed in the kitchen until two hours past dusk each night to ensure that she does not miss it.

"I hope he comes back again soon," Lankford said. "Every time I see him frolicking around, it makes me smile."