Therapy: At times, clinically I was aware of the process, but applying it to myself, I could be clueless. My journey leads to this anonymous place where I can tell of my life of abuse and trauma primarily through my past journals, current commentary, some current journaling and posts on specific issues I face. I hope to increase awareness & compassion for those of us with mental illness.

Fragmentation: a mental process where a person becomes intensely emotionally focused on one aspect of themselves, such as “I am angry” or “no one loves me,” to the point where all thoughts, feelings and behavior demonstrate this emotional state, in which, the person does not or is unable to take into account the reality of their environment, others or themselves and their resources. This is a term that my therapist and I use and is on the continuum of dissociation.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Although I've found and have numerous list of symptoms this is the most comprehensive and eaily understood list. I found many of them interesting as I did not know that some of my ailments and behavior was due to my sexual abuse. Dr. Carol Boulware offers counseling in the Santa Monica and Redondo Beach area in California and education especially on EMDR on her website and in her practice.The following was found on Carol Boulware, MFT, Ph.D. Los Angeles - Santa Monica & Redondo Beach, California website:

Was I Sexually Abused?

Pay attention to your feelings and follow your gut. A lot of victims of sexual abuse tend to block out memories they have of the incident only to be triggered by painful reminders: specific sounds, smells, words and facial expressions. If you suspect that you were sexually abused, you probably were. Trust you feelings and memories.

What Are The Affects Of Sexual Abuse?

Being in your body

Do you feel at home in your body?

Do you feel comfortable expressing yourself sexually with another?

Do you feel that you are a part of your body or does your body feel like a separate entity?

Have you ever intentionally and physically hurt yourself?

Do you find it difficult to listen to your body?

Emotions

Do you feel out of control of your feelings?

Do you feel you sometimes don't understand all the feelings you are experiencing?

Are you overwhelmed by the wide range of feelings you have?

Relationships

What are your expectations of your partner in a relationship?

Do you find it easy to trust others?

Do you find difficulty in making commitments?

Even though you're in a relationship, are you still lonely?

Is it hard for you to allow others to get close to you?

Do you find yourself in relationships with people who remind you of your abuser, or you know is no good for you?

Self-Confidence

Do you find it difficult to love yourself?

Do you have a hard time accepting yourself?

Are you ashamed of yourself?

Do you have expectations of yourself that aren't realistic?

Sexuality

Do you enjoy sex?

Do you find it difficult to express yourself sexually?

Do you find yourself using sex to get close to someone?

Does sex make you feel dirty?

Are you "present" during sex?

What Problems are Caused by Sexual Abuse?

Major Sexual Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

Difficulty with becoming aroused and feeling sensations

Sex feels like an obligation

Sexual thoughts and images that are disturbing

Inappropriate sexual behaviors or sexual compulsivity

Vaginal pain

Inability to achieve orgasm or other orgasmic difficulties

Erections problems or ejaculatory difficulty

Feeling dissociated while having sex

Detachment or emotional distance while having sex

Being afraid of sex or avoiding sex

Guilt, fear, anger, disgust or other negative feelings when being touched

Major Long-Term Medical Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

Insomnia

Vaginal or Pelvic Pain

Eating Disorders

Headaches

TMJ syndrome

Low back pain, chest pressure

Erection problems or ejaculatory difficulty

Asthma

Dizziness/fainting

Self harming/self-mutilation

Chronic physical complaints

Major Long-Term Psychological Symptoms of Sexual Abuse

Anxiety

Panic Attacks

Low self-esteem

Stress disorders - PTSD

Personality disorders

Substance abuse

Self-abuse behaviors

Remember, if you have these symptoms it does not necessarily mean that you were sexually abused. Other things can impact one's life to develop some of these symptoms. But if you know that you were sexually abused, which ones do you recognize in yourself. Mine are in italics.