The back sweat of someone who's doing the tech run of his very first solo performance after an entire career of sharing stages with fellow dancers

I’ve been a professional dancer as part of Quest Crew for roughly 11 years and counting . For I’d say about 10 of those years being a choreographer , traveling the world and chasing the dream with my brothers was my entire focus , my entire being and existence . My happiness and feelings about my life were tied directly to how we were doing as a group .

So after 11 years with Quest and 7 years before that competing with various choreography teams , I felt stuck in my passion for dance . It started to feel dry . Don’t get me wrong , I still feel to this day incredibly blessed and my relationship with the guys is still great but I felt that my relationship with dance felt stale . I didn’t feel challenged or the absolute need to keep on the path and pursuit of improvement the way I use to . I’d be around dance and watching dance but it didn’t set my heart on fire the way it use to .

How did these idiots ever get anything done is beyond me

Don’t get me wrong , I'd the first to tell you that I wasn't the best or anything or that I couldn’t improve anymore . I knew I was only at the foothills of the gigantic mountain of true greatness . It was just that I felt like I was tired of dance . I thought maybe , I needed to leave .

segway . (fast forward about a year)

Beyond Quest , I have found myself attempting to do two new things with dance . One of which is understanding and finding myself as a freestyle dancer , and two , figuring out how to be a soloist . Thus far , I’ve only been on stage with other people . I started with being on stage with 30 people down to about 7 and the minimum amount of people I’ve been on the stage with is 2 other people . The stage looks really big when you’re up there by yourself.

I remember when Quest was doing trying new things , trying to figure it out , and finding our way .

Yes , you can say that as a professional dancer this isn’t really the beginnings of a beginner and you’d be right . Except I would say that yes I’ve been writing in English for most of my life but that doesn’t mean I know how to write a novel . It’s completely new and I’m still a beginner . I’m in my middle ages and I’m starting something scary and new . I’m on stage by myself and the amount of things that can go wrong baffles me . There’s no one to hide behind and no one that can cover for you . I didn’t have to go this way , I could of kept doing what I was doing and be pretty good at it and pretty happy , it’s what people know me for and that it’s fine . But I felt the fire elsewhere and despite my fears and insecurities , I believe that it is the right thing to do . I believe it’s the right thing to go back to being terrible and suck and get beaten at battles , to getting no views or likes on your work , and people talking crap behind your back about how you’re too old for this and how you had something good going why are you here . Why not stick to what you’re good at ?

Why not ?

Because spending time doing things that are moderately good that you moderately care about will lead to a moderate life . And that’s fine , it’s moderate and nice and there’s no shame in that . But I want fire . I want fire when I wake up in the morning and fire when I go to sleep at night . I want to feel a burning desire to get better and to get back up when I get dropped to the floor . I want the overwhelming sense of accomplishment when something is a yes after what feels like a lifetime of noes . Days and nights of “what if’s…” and “how can I’s…” and “maybe if I just…” . Trials and tribulations , sweat and tears fueled only by caffine , msg and self delusion . I want that . I know it can be done because I’ve done it before . I know the worth of that kind of life . I want to do it again because I want to forge the iron of my being through that fire and be able to share my journey with other people and honestly tell them that they can do it too . I know they can , because I did . And I did it without special talents or gifts , I did it using only the fire . And it’s never too late .