Is there any such thing? Let's investigate—for good or ill. A blog about fiction and literature, philosophy and theology, politics and law, science and culture, economics and ethics, and any thing else that strikes our fancy. (Apologies to Bertrand Russell)

17 June 2013

Let me back up a bit. Here are two things you need to know about me: First, I am, by and large and for the most part, fairly even-keeled, emotionally speaking. I have a loud voice by nature which gets even louder when I'm passionate about the subject matter (e.g., political fools & knaves, scurvy surveillance states, hypocrisy, injustice, etc.), but I almost never raise my voice in anger.

In my nearly 20 years of practicing law, I yelled at a subordinate a grand total of once. And that was after a grueling 36-hour brief-writing episode. I apologized to him the next day. We chalked it up to "the stress". Over the years I worked with any number of screamers and nasty bosses and associates but never rose to the bait. That's simply not who I am.

Nor do I yell at my kids. Now they're grown and make fun of me when I "get that tone." They try to see if they can detect a hint of anger in the quality of my voice at times. It's a game.

I am comfortable with my emotional self. I express my feelings healthily and directly and try to keep them in check. I laugh when I'm happy. I cry when I'm truly sad. I don't harbor hate, and I try to deal directly with frustration and anger—though I'm usually slow to it.

Second, I am a rational person. Even though I have a graduate degree in Theology, I am not religious. Nor am I superstitious. Don't believe in miracles or magic or the mystical. Nothing supernatural. [Attentive readers will note that I spent 16 posts upon my return from hiatus the first of this year laying the metaphysical groundwork for a possible non-supernatural theism, a Whiteheadian panentheism, if you will: Being v. Becoming series here] That's not to say I'm an atheist. Rather, I am agnostic. Like the early Wittgenstein, that about which I cannot speak I must remain silent. Atheism, to my mind, is a belief as irrational as theism; from a logical point of view, 'belief that G' is no different than 'belief that not-G.' That is to say, a belief founded on no rational evidence, but on faith.

So, when I tell you I had some sort of weird, premonitory, though inchoate, feeling about my trip to Hawaii, you will get a sense of how profound the emotional experience at the heart of these post was for me—nearly as profound as the experience at the heart of my lengthy Thyraphobia series.

Wisdoc left a few days before vacation to attend a biological psychiatry conference in San Francisco. I was to fly out and meet her in Kaua'i. On the Friday night before I was to leave on Sunday, we spoke on the phone, and I broke down in a fit of tears and anger at her. For no reason. I told her I was so upset with her I was thinking about not even going to Hawai'i. I ranted for like 10 or 15 minutes. For no reason!

This never happens. I never lose control like this. Never! I never raise my voice at my wife. Never! (Nor she at me, for that matter.) But, on a transcontinental phone call, here I was pacing up and down my room in tears of rage. It took us both aback. We talked it out on subsequent phone calls. Several times. I realized how irrational and overwrought I was being—for no reason: she'd done nothing to merit it.

I apologized, even though I didn't understand why I'd gotten so upset. She understood and forgave. And, of course, I flew out to Hawai'i. Even enduring an unexpected seven-hour layover in the un-air conditioned section of the Honolulu airport waiting on the broke-down puddle-jumper to Kaua'i in good humor, joking around with Wisdomie and Wesdom the whole time.

Wisdoc met us at the airport around midnight, after our 23-hour travel ordeal, drove us to the rental apartment (she'd been there for a full day), and she and I talked late into the night about how strange it had been for me to behave that way. All in a good-humored, 'what-the-hell-was-that-all-about'? kind of way. After that, the subject never came up.

12 comments:

There's a difference between yelling and YELLING. Example: Offspring the Younger's room is right below ours, and I've no problem yelling down the vent at 2:30 in the morning for her to shut her yap. But yeah, I usually save screaming for local sports teams, but they're so predictably chokey and/or blah, that's long been replaced by a fine malaise.

we all puz' l ' , mine is of being very feminin',and of missing a lot of schooling growing up with being born physically disabled,of missing part of my small intestine from birth ,of my odd leaving ou t on wording . / and you ? / and the fe is someth. of norwegian ,of my ..in looking quickly at something here earlier .. say more in a bit after i slow summer read here for a few days in little breaks from sewing and drawing

looking back at my wording ..may be my puz L ing is a little odder than most (my thought in reading my own words ), but every one does in their own way with their wording create some sort of play in wording . / to this reading here now ,this is how i travel ,through others ..because i am not able to leave ont. ca here because of my disability (not to worry i love ont./ and i have a very vivid mind in imagining with all of the wording with photos of others tellings of ..aways ) /as i start to read , i grew up in a family with out any religious ..of well known .. following of ,of larger gatherings et'.( i'm finding myself having a difficult time in wording this because i've always looked on a lot of behaving in general as following religiously . )do you talk about the setting in your growing up ,of religious , some where here ?,said just starting to read a little ag ..

4 of 5 family members are dual citizens avec our polite, northern neighbor. Not I, alas. A lack.

Of humble, so to speak, fundamentalist origins in the woodland Piedmont of the Atlantic South. Roots from which I've tried my entire life to disassociate myself. But no memoirs here, as best as I can recall. And in all likelihood none forthcoming. Unless I change my mind.

in to rest my foot(s) for a min. and sit by the fan , said the walk er .. . grand . / i asked because i get the feeling from my io z/jacobb. 's wander about from .. over the last couple of years ..of all of you south ofs ,the feeling that i am the only one in this wander ,along with being the fem. in this group of mostly males , that i am the only one with out a religious well known grouping back in growing up / un ground ing ..of all of you near of from that being directed to jacobb's group comment talks a few years ago now . / with me it's more of my not being a follower to an extreme ..and my family are lesser of that extreme ,and more of grounded than most ./ how are your wife and kids dual ? / i'm guessing that my family connect, of my father's mother's side , to the east coast late 1600s down there ..started north not long after ,towards the lakes here north west of me ,because they were less of religious following than those around them where they landed . /added note - all of my male friends have studied religion in a similar way to what you have done of mentioned here , while i go about wandering and humming like bingen ..

1) oh canada - i am half canadian by blood, but regrettably the circumstances and timing of my paternal unit's pledge of allegiance to these united states makes me ineligible to claim canadianity by inheritance - nor do my circumstances allow me to emigrate there (the legal provisions that once allowed pensioners to become permanent residents have been abolished) - i don't have to stay here in the states, but i can't go to the great white north except as a visitor - who knows if it's good or bad? what can't be cured must be endured

2) i would like to read the rest of the story you've started here - please do continue

Mistah: 1) they changed the law about 2 years ago. wisdoc lost her citizenship when she was in college b/c her parents had emigrated here to the u.s. the recent parliament decided to reverse that and allow innocents to reclaim, retroactively, their c'ship. she did. and that allowed her to obtain dual c'ship for our offspring. you might want to look into that.

1)i looked into the canadian citizenship issue for myself after finding out about the recent legal changes (i found a "lost canadians" website) - my dad's biography, however, made me ineligible - he had emigrated from nova scotia as a teenager, taken u.s. citizenship and then served in the u.s. army in world war ii, eventually making it his career, married my mother, raised a family, etc - not going back to canada but for a few weeks at a time to visit family for the rest of his life - i don't qualify as a "lost canadian" under the circumstances

1a)during the vietnam war, i considered fleeing to canada rather than submitting to the draft (i was born in 1947, to be completely flat-footed about my place in history), to personally participate in the war machine for two years or the rest of my life, whichever came first - but as it worked out, other factors kept me out of the army - fortunately, or so it seemed at the time