Posts Tagged: communication

Let’s get this out of the way first. I am pretty much 50/50 bisexual. I am attracted to women and men pretty much equally. Each person brings something unique that I am attracted to and their body shape, configuration or expression, whether the one they’re born with or the one they choose, is relevant only in so far as it is part of what makes them who they are.

On the physical side, I enjoy the pleasures of the body and stimulation of the mind. If I were to choose a second description beyond sadist, it would be sensualist. I am drawn to giving and receiving intense, overwhelming sensation. In most cases that goes beyond mere sensation and into the realm most would consider pain. A moderate grip on someone’s nipples is sensation. A stronger grip or a grip with a twist is pain. Whether either is stimulating or arousing to either my subject or myself is up to the specific person I’m with and the situation itself.

That being said, I am as drawn to receiving those same levels of sensation and pain as I am in inducing them. I enjoy the feeling of being flogged or whipped, clamps, slaps, wax, needles, all of it. If there’s something I am wiling to do to someone else, you can count on me having experienced it before, usually multiple times.

Some would say that I’m a switch, but that’s not entirely accurate. The word switch usually denotes a ‘switch’ from top to bottom in a psychological or power exchange context. That doesn’t fit me or my dynamic with my partners. Psychologically I am dominant through and through. I may be soft spoken or even gentle in that dominance, but it’s still dominance. I let the person and the scene drive how I interact.

That brings us to my life partner, SAM. She is, constitutionally, a submissive. She simply is not wired to be the dominant one in a sexual context. In our mundane life, we’re damned close to equals. In some things I am decidedly dominant and in some she is, and in everything else, it’s a fairly even give or take depending, again, on situation. Our own life experiences, knowledge, talents and proclivities drive where that dynamic leans at any given time.

I’ve been working with her over the years to not so much bring out a dominant in her, but to lead her to a place where she can be the physical top while still maintaining the very solid power dynamic that works so well for us. In short, I’ve been teaching her to tie ME to the wall, take out the flogger or the strap-on harness and work me over in ways that I enjoy so much.

In doing so, I’ve had to learn how to do something kind of new for me. That is, remain in a dominant head space and direct her, while being, physically, the bottom. Doing so while still being able to lose myself in the sensations has been the hardest thing for me to do. Also, remaining the mentor, giving her good feedback on what I’m feeling, how she’s doing, when she should change the angle on a dildo or adjust her swing, has been a vital part of that. It’s educational for both of us.

One of my weaknesses is letting my brain shift over into analysis mode for something. That mode breaks me out of the scene, detaches me from the emotional side of what we’re doing. Being able to get to the point where I can let a tiny bit of analysis happen so I can communicate to her what I need has taught me how to do so when I’m the one holding the flogger.

The other benefit is that her confidence in herself has improved dramatically. She’s rightfully concerned with actually harming me while doing some of the things I ask her to do to me. Never mind that all of them are things I do to her at one time or another. The fact that she’s never done them to anyone else, or in fact done them with anyone else before me, leaves her nervous about doing something wrong and us ending up in the ER.

Our first few times with her as the active partner in doing things to me were more instruction and experimentation than sex. Yes, orgasms happened, but that was after the toys were put aside and we had spent a couple of hours talking over what we’d done. Then I spent time giving her the after care she needed. The evening, even as mild as I considered it, was emotionally intense for her. Anxiety, fear, nervousness and the sheer novelty of what we were doing left her as emotionally in need of after care as any intense scene we engage in. That after care led to an evening of intense lovemaking filled with not only the moans and screams of pleasure, but laughter and giggling, caresses and soft words, and everything else that brings us closer to each other in ways that only those things can.

The first thing that I had to learn to successfully bottom from the top was realize that even though I’m technically and physically bottoming to SAM, I’m still the top, still the dominant, still her teacher and mentor. The first time I was able to maintain that mentoring and still achieve the cathartic emotional release I needed from the intense sensations and even pain was a magical thing for both of us. We both came away understanding in a deep way something we could only intellectually acknowledge before. What it’s like to be in the other person’s head. What they get from the scene. The WHY, not just the what.

It’s always been difficult for me to ask for things from SAM that are purely for my pleasure. It’s also been a given that i will routinely do things to her that are purely for her pleasure. What I gain from doing so is the wonderful compersiveness of seeing my loved one being pleasured and knowing I gave that to her. I’ve finally come to realize that by not asking her to do things to me strictly for my pleasure I’ve been depriving her of that same feeling of compersion. If I enjoy doing things to her, why would she not enjoy doing them to me.

That realization has opened up a whole new realm of experience for both of us. I’m rapidly losing my sense of guilt for thinking of only my pleasure now and then. Whether it’s something as simple as rubbing one out before falling asleep or as complex as my semi-regular use of my sounds to stretch myself so I can wear the jewelry I bought a couple of years ago, she still gains that compersive pleasure from my pleasure.

Asking her to peg me, or whip or any number of other things that are at their core defined as submissive, has opened up a new level of understanding of compresiveness and is helping me rid myself of a potentially toxic idea that I am a failure if I receive pleasure from someone without equally “repaying” it. I had not been able to see that my partners gain as much pleasure from the giving as I do when I’m on the giving end.

Calling it bottoming from the top reminds me that I’m still in control, that the power dynamic hasn’t changed. What I am doing that’s different is giving my submissive partner the gift of experiencing the same compersive pleasure I’ve always felt. And that, is an awesome thing to learn. And even more awesome to experience.

Let’s start with the simple bits: www.dictionary.com describes sadism in their cultural dictionary as, “Abnormal behavior characterized by deriving sexual gratification from inflicting pain on others . . . named after the Marquis de Sade, a French author of the eighteenth century, whose works describe many sexual perversities.” Actually, his name was Comte Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade, he lived from 1740-1814 and he was a Count, not a Marquis. Get your facts right people. End history lesson, full stop.

So sadists are sickos who torture and kill people, right? Like Ted Bundy, the famous serial killer and Young Republican? Um, no, sorry. I do have occasional homicidal urges toward my fellow man, but since I stopped working retail those urges have significantly decreased. I do, however, get off on hurting people. Let me clarify – I get off on hurting people who get off on being hurt. Two, or more, like-minded, consenting adults, etc, etc.

But where does the happy bit come in? I giggle while I hurt my masochist. No, really – I get this perverse joy every time he screams and I often find myself giggling like the March Hare at a tea party. I don’t just get off on causing him pain, I get goofy. There is no better sound than the desperate gasps of my masochist as he tries not to scream. It makes me smile just to think about it. In fact, I’m smiling right now. He truly is my favorite toy.

There are a lot of sadists out there who are very dark and brooding. Don’t get me wrong – causing someone pain responsibly is a serious endeavor that should include proper fore-knowledge, emergency paraphernalia, safewords and trust. But it should also be something joyful. If being dark and serious is where you find joy, go forth and brood! But don’t be that way because you think you have to in order to be a proper sadist.

Coming to terms with being a sadist and all it implies has not been an easy task. We live in a country that refuses to let Queen Victoria and her frighteningly puritanical morals die. But once I allowed myself to embrace the idea of sadism as fun for everyone involved – well, that made all the difference in the world! I relish the dramatic flair inherent in BDSM scenes and approach it with a sense of dark glee. Next time you’re flogging someone, or stabbing them with needles, let yourself go and really enjoy the moment. Sexual interaction of all kinds should be fun. Now go get lost in someone’s screams and let yourself smile!

When I say “frequently” I mean that this question gets asked on some forum somewhere DAILY. It gets asked by men and women, submissives and dominants, sadists and masochists.

“If my spouse isn’t satisfying me, is it immoral to go elsewhere for that satisfaction and just not mention it to them?”

And then, shortly after that, the particular thread to that question explodes into an angsty flailing mud wrestling match that is best described by the following, almost completely unrelated statements:

“You whore, you swore a vow when you got married, you’re a BAD PERSON!”

First off, please for the love of all that’s kinky, stop asking strangers on the internet for validation. No one with a fucking brain is going to tell you it’s okay to fuck around without your spouse’s consent. It’s just not.

Second, do not get all butt-hurt when you ask a question on the internet and get an answer. Even if it’s one you don’t like.

Third, OF COURSE WE’RE JUDGING YOU! Goddamn. You know what happens when we judge you? NOT. A. FUCKING. THING. What, I care enough about your trashy ass to track you down like I’m a b/tard so I can tell your spouse?

Please. I could be doing something constructive, like masturbating.

You know, when you ask a question on the internet – especially one like that – you are inviting people to judge you. Don’t be all butt-hurt when they accept.

Now, to ANSWER the goddamn question; no. It is, in fact, never ever ever okay to have sex with a person who is not the person you are married to, unless you have your spouse’s consent first.

Here’s the basic test. When your spouse says “Where were you all day? I tried calling and you weren’t here.” if you have to lie about it THEN YOU’RE FUCKING UP.

When scening, SaM and I engage in what is commonly called Role Playing. That term, in the past, gave me quite a bit of a problem. You see, like many kinksters of my generation, I grew up with tabletop role playing. Whether it was AD&D (2nd ed, of course), Rifts, Cyberpunk or any number of serious or silly game systems.

As I got older, and encountered the term within the context of kink, it always left me wondering just how in the world you could keep a straight face in the bedroom with that. The cliche of “I’m the evil wizard and you are the helpless elven princess, muahahaha!” really doesn’t do anything for us. If we need that level of characterization, we pull out the books and the dice and the character sheets and go to town.

Role playing in scene is, for us at least, much more subtle than that. We get to put on a face, a facade, a personality, that is not necessarily our “normal” one. There are a number of expressions, words or actions within a scene that we each wear to elicit a desired reaction out of the other or to enhance the sense of unreality of the scene.

Calling her a slut, a bitch or other such terms of endearment (heh) in scene are normal, given a certain mood. Her calling me master or similar is also normal in a scene.

I wear expressions in scene that are not normal for me in my mundane life. I sneer, I smirk, I’m very stern and demanding. Derision is a common mode for me at times when she’s being particularly shy about some command I’ve given her. Likewise, she’s shy, or petulant, or obstinent or even derisive in scene. She’s also submissive, or if things are going well near the end of a scene, completely wanton and begging for more.

None of these are feelings, emotions or expressions that even occur to me to wear during our day to day life outside of that role. Each of us deliberately wears, or allows, those emotions and expressions for the purpose of eliciting a response from the other, knowing that it is all part of the Role we’ve each taken on that evening.

During our day to day life, we’re affectionate, playful, and flirtatious. During scene, we’re often aggressive, cruel, manipulative, calculating and sadistic or submissive as the mood calls for.

As with the talbetop role-playing we did as young people, and even today engage in at times, when the game is over, we put away the dice, or the floggers, and go back to the real world. The things said in the bedroom stay there.

We trust each other, implicitly, to leave it there. We each know who we are, at our core, and that being called a slut in scene does not mean that SaM is a slut out of scene, nor does calling her a slut in scene mean that I think she is one, out of scene.

There are many things we both do and say in scene that fall under that same understanding. Once you realize that it really is as simple as ‘I say that to you because I love that look in your eyes” or “I allow you to do that to me because I love the way it feels and how it makes you so hard when you do it”, the rest is nothing but joy and love and adventure and oh, so awesomely erotic and sexy.

Something I see on a lot of beginner’s forums in the BDSM community is the question of how to get a sub to tell you what she wants. I also see subs asking how to tell her top what she wants. These aren’t really the same question, but I’m going to deal with them both here; as well as the corollary question of how to tell your top/sub what you want.

Both SAM and I talk a lot on here about communication. Without it, what we do borders way too closely on abuse. Being able to openly discuss uncomfortable, embarrassing or scary topics is a part of what makes our relationship as solid as it is.

There are two different places where communication is important. In scene and out of scene. In scene both of us need to be able to tell the other what is needed, to communicate mood, arousal, ideas, etc. Out of scene we must be able to talk to each other about what went right, what we enjoyed and most importantly what we didn’t enjoy or what went wrong; even if it wasn’t a safe-word situation.

Someone on a forum asked a very, very excellent question. I know little about this person except that she’s new to the idea of BDSM, and she has a child.

“Does being in a master slave relationship have to continue outside the bedroom? Or do you take it outside of the bedroom?

From my point of view (and, fair warning, others will disagree with me very strongly), it is just not possible to have a “true 24/7” master-slave relationship in a modern Western world where the people in the relationship have any duties or responsibilities to other people. There is always going to be something in life that is going to require the master/slave dynamic to be set aside for periods of time. It is completely unrealistic to expect that one person is going to be able to devote every moment to obeying/pleasing their partner.

This is a little earlier than I’d planned on publishing a second post, but a friend e-mailed me a pretty excellent question.

“Where the line is drawn between submission and abuse, from the perspective of the dom? For example, how does the dom know, when he says “you filthy whore”, that he is meeting the requirements of his sub and not emotionally abusing her, unless they have carefully laid out a blow-by-blow playbook in advance? It reminds me of what the old oval track racers used to say, “There’s no such thing as going too fast, until you crash. Then its too late.”

First, that’s what initial negotiations and discussions about limits are for. For some people, name-calling is a major turn-on. For some other people, it’s never, never okay under any circumstances. There’s no way to know in advance, unless you ask. Any responsible dom will ask a potential sub “What are your hard limits?” Any responsible sub will be very direct and honest about stating what those limits are.