I
am currently dating a guy who is nice, funny, has a good “dating
résumé,” i.e. never married, good job, no issues. I have a
good time when we are together and he treats me fine. The
problem is that we have the most ridiculously boring sex.
Super vanilla, totally predictable, and I never come. There’s
no foreplay, he rarely eats pussy, and when he does it’s not
good. It’s totally frustrating, but I try not to put too much
weight on it since other aspects of our relationship are ideal.

As a result of this unfortunate circumstance, I have started
to have sex with my ex. He and I have the most incredible
sex. It’s kinky, delicious, and the most satisfying I’ve ever
had in my life. He worships my pussy. He carries a pair of
my panties in his pocket and just knowing this makes me want
him even more. The reason our relationship ended, though,
was that he’s very committed to his job, which leaves little
room for a significant relationship (a potential marriage).
Thanks to my mini midlife crisis, I think I fucked up a good
thing. I have someone now who I could be in a committed relationship
with, but it’s sexually unsatisfying and suddenly I could
give a rat’s ass about a “significant relationship.”

The question I have for you is this: How much weight should
a person put on good sex in a long-term relationship? I can’t
imagine having to masturbate for the rest of my life just
to end up with Mr. Nice Guy. What should I do about this mess?

—An
Unmarried Woman

How
much weight the average person should place on good sex in
an LTR is irrelevant, AUW. The relevant question is how much
weight you should put on good sex in your LTR. And your slutty,
slutty actions of late reveal the answer: shitloads.

You’re dating a nice, funny guy who treats you well—he’s marriage
material!—but the sex is so lousy you’re cheating on him with
your non-marriage-material ex. So what have we learned about
ourselves in our current relationship, AUW? That you’re the
type of person who will cheat on a nice, funny guy if she
feels deprived of good, hot sex. Therefore it would be in
your best interest—and your future husband’s best interest—to
be with a guy who isn’t merely nice and funny, but also good
and hot. Wouldn’t you agree?

So here’s what you need to do about this mess: Provided you’ve
told Mr. Nice Guy you’re not satisfied, introduced him to
a few of your kinks, and given him pointers on how you like
your pussy eaten, all to no avail, then it’s time to dump
the motherfucker already. He needs to find a woman who isn’t
interested in hot sex, or thinks the sex he enjoys is hot,
and marry her. If you’re still interested in an LTR and your
hot ex isn’t, you need to stop fucking your ex and pour that
energy into finding a nice, funny man who is marriage material
and great in bed. They’re out there.

I’m a 42-year-old gay man with a superhero fetish. Like
a lot of fetishists my age, I assumed I was alone until the
Internet came along. I’ve since met several times with like-minded
guys for costumed roughhousing and bondage. The first time
I did it, it was incredibly hot, but since then, it’s felt
like something’s missing. Even when they’re sexy and friendly,
it just feels lacking somehow. At times, I even feel a bit
ridiculous. (Given that I’m a white-collar professional pretending
to be a Lycra-suited crime fighter, I’m sure it’s not much
of a stretch to see why I feel silly.) So my question is this:
Am I just being too uptight, or are there some fantasies that
are better left to the imagination?

—Part-Time
Batman

Some
fantasies are better left to the imagination, PTB, but yours
hardly strikes me as one of them. A superhero/bondage fetish—always
a combo platter, thanks to the frequency with which Lycra-clad
superheroes are bound and gagged—is charming and harmless
compared to some other fetishes. But if acting on your fantasies
isn’t working for you, PTB, if indulging makes you feel bad,
well, then don’t indulge.

I have to say, though, that my superpowers detect a conflict
between the person you are in your everyday life (white-collar
professional) and the person you are in your erotic imagination
(Lycra-clad superhuman), with the former viewing the latter
as slightly ridiculous. Perhaps you’ll feel better about acting
on your fetish if you accept that it is a bit ridiculous and
reassure yourself that there’s nothing necessarily wrong with
making yourself a bit ridiculous in pursuit of sexual pleasure.
Everybody feels a bit ridiculous after sex, PTB, even if they’re
not washing spunk out of their Batman costume. Lighten up
and enjoy.

Your advice to Auntie Mame last week is a pristine example
of why I love your column, but I have a quibble! You ended
that column by recounting a tragic death and issuing a stern
rule: “Never leave a tied-up person alone, kids. It’s dangerous
and dumb.”

To quote my little niece, that is so unfair!

My boyfriend indulges in my love of bondage all the
time. He’s got a sweet face and you should see the muscles
on this kid, Dan! They’re exquisite, and they look even more
exquisite with ropes all over them. Sometimes we add the extra
thrill of doing it outdoors. I have a deck that’s entirely
surrounded by trees—no peeking possible—and sometimes I’ll
tie him to a chair or a post out there. And sometimes, once
I have him secure, I’ll take off—with him feigning outrage
and straining to get loose. When I get back, after taking
in a movie or doing some shopping, he’ll still be there, all
pumped from his struggling—and horny as hell! When I let him
loose after having left him, the lovemaking is pyrotechnic.

Are you really going to order me to give that up, just because
two idiots managed to manslaughter somebody?

—Sincerely
Aspiring For Exemption

I
won’t order you to give that up, SAFE, provided you send me
some pictures of your boyfriend tied up on your deck.

Nevertheless, it’s not safe to leave a tied-up person alone.
What if there’s a fire while you’re at the movies? What if
while you’re out shopping, the boyfriend panics, hyperventilates,
passes out, and falls against the ropes in such a way that
restricts his breathing? What if a rabid raccoon gets onto
your deck and chews his dick off? Tragic scenarios—I’ve got
a million of ’em.

You and the boyfriend are free to decide if the risks you’re
running are worth the pyrotechnic sex you’re having. You can
take steps to minimize the risks—if he’s not hooded or gagged,
for instance, he’s at less risk of asphyxiating—but leaving
a tied-up person alone always involves an element of danger.
If danger is part of the thrill, well, you’re adults and you
can do what you like. But let’s be realistic about the risks
and potential consequences—which can include manslaughter
charges.

Oh, and I’m glad you appreciated my advice for Auntie Mame,
who was concerned about how her brother is treating her swishy
5-year-old nephew. But not everyone agrees. To read more letters
about my advice for Auntie Mame—and more letters about drinking
piss—go to www.thestranger.com/ savage/mame.

Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.