Tommy Cooper gags
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"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library.' I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster go
for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [camply] 'Make your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang
up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved
again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And
I went into a tree. ..And a policeman came up and said 'What happened
to you?' And I said 'I careered ..off the road.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
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