What is your financial self-perception?If an alien from another planet asked you what social class you belong to...how would you answer?Let’s say you make twenty thousand dollars a year in the United States. You could say that you make well below the median income in your country. Or you could frame it completely differently and say you are in the top third of earners on your planet. (According to Forbes Magazine, if you make seventy-five thousand a year or more in 2016, you’re in the top ten percent in the world.)You see, both statements are true. Is your glass half empty or full?How do you see yourself? Did you know that a company’s stock rarely reflects the value of it’s current assets? That’s right, it usually reflects the projected FUTURE earnings of the company.So what about you? How do you evaluate your own financial value? Is it according to what is in the bank account now or what you expect in the future?When you change your perception of yourself, your physical reality reflects the change. So how do you change your perception when you have so many references to your current financial situation staring you in the face? Well, most of your financial beliefs are like an iceberg. You are only aware of some of the thoughts above the surface, but there are a lot more in our unconscious mind. The key to changing your beliefs is to become aware of them.You use money every day, so you have constant opportunities to tune into your beliefs about them.Let’s say that you buy a coffee in the morning. How does it feel in your body when you see the price of the specialty coffee that you really want? What thoughts occur? Make note of them because these are clues to underlying beliefs. How does it feel when you hand over money to someone? Small purchases might reveal some things. How do you feel when you pay for big purchases? How do you feel when you write a big check? When you tune into the feelings and thoughts that occur, then you can work with them.How do you work with feelings?Perhaps you will feel a contraction in your body when you’re in a money situation. It could be tightness, an anxious feeling, an angry feeling, or a fearful feeling. Feel where it is located in your body. These feelings aren’t fun. The good thing is that now that you are identifying them, you can change them. Instead of stuffing these feelings down and suppressing them, allow yourself to become aware of them and feel them completely. You don’t need to refuel them and dwell on them with repetitive thinking. Consciously lean into these feelings and relax into them. Breath through them. Although we’re still learning about how emotions work, it is generally understood that an emotional response only lasts around ninety seconds if it is not refueled by another stimulus such as a negative thought (Jill Bolte-Taylor Ph.D.).This becomes a life practice and it will save you a lot of suffering because the other option is to suppress emotions. When you suppress emotions, they become stuck in your mind and body, only to cause physical and mental suffering in the future (Check out the work of Dr. Mario Martinez to learn more).How do I change my thoughts?When you have a negative thought about a financial situation., notice it. Write it down. Create a journal. This brings more awareness to your belief systems around money. Then it’s time to question the thoughts. Every idea has its opposite. If your current beliefs are not bringing you the feelings and results you want, it’s time to reprogram yourself to believe something different. There are many ways to question your beliefs. I suggest you give your brain some references as to why the opposite of your negative belief is true. For example, if you have the thought “I can’t afford what I want” ...you can find examples of things you CAN afford that you want. Or if you have the thought “I don’t make enough money” ...find examples of how you DO make enough money for what you need. If you have the thought “I am broke” ...think of examples of the resources you DO have. If you have the thought “It’s too expensive”...think of examples of why it’s the PERFECT price for that item. Every belief has its opposite and often it’s even more compelling than the belief that you have been holding onto so tightly. If you’re willing to start entertaining different beliefs and explore what they feel like, you may find that your narrow perceptions start to widen and your physical reality starts to reflect your new positive beliefs.Now is the time to get excited that you can CREATE your reality by becoming aware of your thoughts and emotions and purposely creating the ones you want through the techniques that you have learned. Now is the time to realize your own abundance and power. Let me know what you are learning about your unconscious mind through journaling in the comments below.

I'm writing today to talk about anxiety, depression, and low energy caused by life stagnation or lack of life expansion. Its my understanding that if we aren't growing, we're dying. As we mature mentally, physically, and spiritually, we must evolve and adapt in order to thrive.

When we repress our emotions, live according to beliefs that don't serve us, or buy into someone else's idea of what is appropriate for our life plan, then the energy that naturally flows freely and expands is constricted by limiting beliefs. Imagine a car with the engine running high, but the wheels aren't turning, and so all that trapped energy starts to cause malfunctions. That could look like a panic attack.

Exercise, electro shock therapy, relaxation techniques, releasing limiting beliefs, and others techniques that are approached from the various angles of mind, body, and spirit help to provide opening for your life energy to naturally flow and expand. Every time I'm doing what I think I have to do and not what I truly desire to do, I experience mental health problems.

We have many beliefs regarding the way we should live according to cultural programming. When we are able to let go of these beliefs and embrace our true healthy desires...the energy blossoms. This is a topic I could write a whole book about. If you have any specific area that this is happening in your life...write to me and it could be addressed anonymously in the next mental wellness newsletter.

What is your mental and emotional life like lately? I spent a lot of my life with a dark view of the world. I suffered from repetitive negative thinking, physical illness, anxiety, and had troubles staying in touch with reality at times. My life now is very different. Every day I wake up and know that whatever I put out into the universe, its going to slingshot back to me like instant karma. Some days I'm not very conscious and I indulge in bad habits...but most of the time I am very intentional about the practice of my life. I make my mental, physical, and emotional health my number one priority and I invest in it. I've made it my life mission to help people do the same. We all struggle with different areas. Some of us don't have a problem getting exercise, while others struggle with technology addiction and a sedentary lifestyle. I would like to inspire you today to take some serious action steps for your mental health. I have found that creating one new powerful habit can have a ripple effect for the rest of your life. For example...by learning about and acting on knowledge about nutrition, I have drastically changed my body and health over the past 5 years. Hiring a personal trainer is a guarantee for a healthier body...as long as you show up...What could you do today to really change your mental health? And what would be the positive effects on your physical self...relationships...finances? Habits are everything...thats why I designed the darkness to daylight 30 day challenge. In it, I have a suggested reading list, movie list, and music playlist. All media has a powerful effect on your unconscious mind. If you did nothing else for the next 30 days besides listen to my suggested music playlist...you would still experience powerful results if you did it on a daily basis. Every little thing makes a difference. But if you want to know what I think is the most powerful habit for drastically changing your mental health...just send me an email and I'll send you a personal reply. Just tell me the number one thing you are struggling with right now. Talk to you soon and remember to start a new positive habit today that will bring health and happiness into your lives and those who are effected by you (everyone;).

Wouldn’t it be nice if we all listened to our elders and never made any mistakes?Life would be safe and predictable, but we would always wonder if there were more. The curiosity would kill us. We would know a theory, but never the truth about what works in life.As the story goes, since the rebellion in the garden of Eden, humans have needed to discover things first-hand. We don’t generally accept offhand advice or other people’s version of reality.In fact, our brains don’t really register things until we have experienced them. Only then do they become important to us.Throughout our personal evolution, we have experimented with various behaviors and kept the ones that get us what we want. At the simplest level, we are motivated by pleasure and deterred by pain.But sometimes we don’t catch on so fast.Sometimes we are tricked by the short-term pleasure in addictions and dysfunctional relationships. Even more common is the survivalistic strategy of settling for an unfulfilling job in order to buy groceries and pay for rent. These things get us something we need in the short term, but in the long run, we suffer.Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over again. We keep hitting the bottle or dating the same kind of abusive person. Learning is not a once and done process; it involves repetition. It may be difficult to endure, but all of us make the same mistake more than once.It doesn’t mean we are unworthy. It just means we still have more to learn.According to evolutionary biology, it is not the species that is the strongest or most intelligent that survives, it is the one who is the most adaptable to change.Even though it is natural for us to seek pleasure and equilibrium, sometimes comfort is the worst thing that can happen to us.Rather than being alert and dynamic, we become lazy, complacent, and less adaptable. A cozy comfort zone can make us lessresponsive to the rapidly changing home, economic, and political environments that shape our lives.Growing up in suburbia, I’ve witnessed a lot of people living quiet lives of comfortable desperation. You know the type: They achieved bachelor’s degrees and then settled into government jobs. Their jobs never expected much from them. They made enough money to be comfortable, and purchased the most reliable car on the market. Then they drove that car for 10 years until they traded it in for the new version that is the exact same model and color.These people may be considered successful compared to those who travel the world on a shoestring budget or get into messy relationships, but when something traumatic happens, such as a surprise divorce or health problem, they don’t know how to react. They implode.Hitting bottom is scary and it can be dangerous. You could die when you hit bottom, but if you don’t, you will never forget your lesson. Some people learn their lessons from small mistakes, or perhaps from others’ mistakes as well.But for those of us who have a high threshold for pain and a major resistance to change, hitting bottom is our only option for meaningful change.Everyone’s “bottom” looks different. For some, it’s a hospital visit, a prison sentence or an overdose, and for others, it could be a death in the family or a divorce. For me, it was a debilitating illness and a break up with my fiancee.With my clients, I never recommend hitting bottom because it can be a dangerous thing. But I know that if they are unable to learn from others’ advice, life will present them with every lesson they need.That’s right, life has the magical ability to present you with the exact family members, partners, friends, bosses, and circumstances for you to learn how to grow.And if you’re a hard case, it will slap you until you are awake enough to learn the needed lesson. At first you might think that life is cruel. But once the dust settles, you may actually thank life for doing this.Your relationship with life, nature, or God can become complicated when trauma happens. You may constrict, lash out, or try to shirk the ability to respond when the injustice of abuse and violence strike your life. Even if you are unable to fathom a cosmic reason for the violence in your life, the fact is that trauma remains a real opportunity for you to grow, if you realize your vast power to react to life’s blows.At first, biologists thought that evolutionary change happened gradually, but after looking at the fossil records of species, many have concluded that change occurs the most in rapid spurts caused by rare events.Even though we are all searching for safety, sometimes it is through traumatic events that we grow the most. At this point you might be thinking “How can I experience rapid growth without danger?”Indigenous people understood the power of trauma to induce needed change. The vision quest, sweat lodge, and psychedelic experiences under the supervision of elder shamans created a safer environment for trauma-induced growth to occur.Today, you can still do those things…or visit a third world country, go skydiving, or anything that is outside of your comfort zone to achieve rapid growth. It will be difficult, outside of the norm, and downright terrifying, but it just may be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.Trauma is a guarantee in life, so you might as well get good at it.It has the power to wake you up like no other. When you’re suffering, trauma will say “Hey! you’re attached to that and it’s causing you pain!” or “Hey! You’ve been trying this thing for 5 years and you’re going to die if you do it one more time!”Make no mistake, trauma will wound you. But when the wound heals, it becomes your greatest gift.It is a scar that reminds you of your lesson.And what’s more, it becomes the lesson that you can now teach others with true confidence.Trauma is not mere theory.Trauma, if you can learn from it, is pure transcendental knowledge.So, if you’re currently being tossed around by the choppy waters of life, know that this is not your ill-fortune… it is merely a high-performance opportunity to learn how to swim.And once you get that down, it won’t be long until you are skillfully surfing the seas of change and looking forward to the challenge and thrill of a bigger wave.

This article can be viewed on ElephantJournal.com under a different title.

I admit that during the few times I watched the Kardashians’ reality-show there was something about Bruce Jenner that made me feel uncomfortable.It was the same feeling I got when I watched Michael Jackson interviews—there was something a bit inauthentic.Now that Bruce Jenner has come out as transgendered, it’s all starting to make sense.And, I’m reflecting on my judgements of Bruce, MJ, and everyone else that alters their body through plastic surgery or other means to help them reconcile how they feel on the inside with how they look on the outside.The truth is that everyone is in the process of learning about themselves and how much they should share that learning with the outside world. It’s not as if I have been completely open about who I am and what I believe in my life.I admit it. I have been very inauthentic at times and I’m still afraid to tell people around me how I feel and what I believe—especially about myself.Bruce’s words from the interview come to mind,”I don’t want to disappoint people.”Yup, that hits home.Wouldn’t it be just dandy if we could please everyone and still be able to express ourselves authentically?Well, unfortunately, that’s impossible. That’s why I applaud Bruce for coming out as transgendered. Being from a middle-class suburban area of the USA, I didn’t grow up around any openly transgendered people.That all changed this year when I spent five months in Thailand and the Philippines. It turns out our planet is teaming with transgendered people and I never even knew it.Apparently, transgendered people are much more accepted in certain parts of southeast Asia. At first, I was very uncomfortable around all of them because it was new to me.But then I started to appreciate them.Now, when I see a transgendered person on the street dressed to the nines and walking proud, I see how brave and authentic she is.Isn’t it so much harder to be comfortable with yourself when people seem to disagree with who you are?Yet that’s what thousands of transgendered, gay and other minority people do every day when they say to the world:“This is who I am, and I’m not apologizing.”I’ve kept some things to myself for much of my life and when I tell you what they are, you will probably laugh. But the longer I keep them inside, the more I feel like I’m living a lie.The first thing I’m going to “come out” about is that I am a genius.I tried to explain this to my middle-school guidance counselor but he said that my test scores didn’t reflect that! Luckily, I never stopped believing in myself. I got a bachelor’s degree in two and half years.Take that Mr. Johnson.But seriously, the more I hide my brilliance, the more I feel stuck in unfulfilling jobs and situations. How much are you hiding your talents?I am also going to come out and say that I am divine.I’m not more divine than anyone else, but I’m no longer going to agree with people who believe human beings are evil or selfish. I’m a good person at heart and I know it. I don’t do perfect things all the time, but I really believe that my essence and everyone else’s is good.I’m going to be more open about this.In her book “Return To Love,” Marianne Williamson says that,“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.”Have you ever felt like there was something you felt, believed or wanted to share about yourself, but there were so many perceived judgments from others that you kept it inside?Perhaps you suppressed it and tried to forget about it, but it would always resurface, or even haunt you?In what way are you living an inauthentic life? Is your job an authentic expression of who you are? Is the way you dress an authentic expression of who you are? Who are you trying to please? Who are you trying to not disappoint?Are you ready to come out to the world?Life, if it is well lived, is the process of becoming more and more authentic—more open about who we really are and what we really value.As we become more aware of ourselves and share it with the outside world, it becomes a joy to be real and uninhibited.There is nothing more rewarding than being authentic.However, it can also be extremely difficult. Communicating your truth runs counter to a lot of social conditioning. This freedom of authenticity also comes at the cost of allowing others to judge us.

When it becomes too much effort to hide who you really are, here are some tips on how to communicate authenticity.

1. Notice when you are telling a lie to avoid sharing your authentic truth with others.Example: Instead of telling clients that I am exhausted and I just don’t think I can give them my best, I will tell them that “something came up” and I can’t make the appointment.Every time I avoid telling my truth, I feel the sting of inauthenticity within myself.2. Disagree with people more.Learn how to gracefully disagree with people.How often do you agree with people—even bigots—because you want to avoid the discomfort of confrontation? Instead of nodding along to something you don’t really agree with, you could say,“Everyone has a right to their opinion, and I totally respect your unique perspective. But I see it differently.”My religious relatives will often assume that I have the exact same beliefs that they do.My whole life, I’ve let them believe that. I’m building the courage to tell them:“Actually, I don’t know what God is, and I’m learning to enjoy the mystery.” You have a right to be you. You have a right to speak your truth even if it is part of your evolving learning-process.3. Tell people how you feel when you feel it.

A friend might say a joke that offends you and in the past you might have laughed uncomfortably and tried to change the topic. In the mean time, you were suppressing your emotions, and it felt inauthentic.Next time, you might say,“I’m feeling angry/sad/uncomfortable as a reaction to that. You may not have meant for me to feel that way, but that’s the way I feel.”In that situation, you are not blaming the other person. You’re not making any demands, although you could certainly make a request.You’re just telling them how you feel, which gives them valuable information and allows you to avoid suppressing emotions.4. Apologize less.

If you feel that you did something wrong, by all means, try to make amends.However, if you are just expressing your truth, do not insult yourself by saying you are sorry about it. Stand up for your truth. Try saying,“Although it may make some people uncomfortable, I really feel strongly that ______. It’s something I’ve thought a lot about and I know it’s a value that is close to my heart.”Although keeping your authentic self inside helps you avoid a life of criticism and social awkwardness, it may cause you a lot of anxiety and suffering as well. I have found that the more I share my authentic self, the happier, less inhibited and stronger my relationships become.As Williamson says,“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”Thank you, Bruce, for giving all of us the permission to share our authentic selves.The millions of gay, transgendered, or other minorities that risk public ridicule, harassment, violence and family abandonment by expressing their authentic selves continue to inspire me to open up a bit more about who I am with the world.So far, its always been worth the risk.

This article can be viewed on Elephant Journal under a different title.

A recent incident involving the New Zealand Prime Minister being outed for repeatedly pulling the ponytail of an Auckland waitress has brought an important aspect of interpersonal dynamics to the forefront of the collective cultural consciousness.It begs the question of how one creates and maintains boundaries in one’s life and effectively communicates them to others. It also brings awareness to the great difficulty those in vulnerable roles in our society have in establishing healthy boundaries. Furthermore, the incident shows how people in positions of power and authority are often insensitive to boundaries or even take advantage of those who are in lower status positions.As a writer about behavioral change, I’m always interested in empowering people to change their lives for the better—but I haven’t always had a lot of awareness of or skills for understanding personal boundaries. I am familiar with severe social anxiety and used to be afraid to confront anyone that violated my boundaries. I allowed myself to be in vulnerable job roles and verbally abusive relationships. It seemed like the less confident I was, the more others would take advantage of me.It took a lot of reflection about my thoughts and behavior to realize that I was the one who ultimately created those victim-based situations. This was both humbling and liberating. It was humbling because I had to admit that I was creating my own suffering and that I needed to change. It was liberating because I now had the power to transform into a confident and healthy person.How did I make that transformation?Through radical responsibility.The word responsibility has a connotation of obligation in our society. One thinks of the obligations involved in our societal roles, such as worker, student, and parent. However, I’d like you to suspend your current belief about this word and take it quite literally. It is your ability to respond. You have free will to believe or ignore the many thoughts that race through your mind, which in turn reminds you that the thoughts you believe cause your feelings and behaviors. Your feelings and behaviors are the largest contributing factors to your life’s circumstances. Your life is your creation. The cycle starts again because you have a choice in how you respond to your own creation.Once you have this realization, you have reached the point of conscious evolution. From this point forward, you can direct your own evolution by consciously changing yourself from within to get the results you want. You can now start directing instead of acting. If you agree with this theory but you still feel like a victim in life, that means there is a part of you (conscious or unconscious) that does not completely believe in free will.A person with conscious free will knows what kinds of thoughts, feelings, and circumstances they prefer and they take decisive action to attain them. They only believe the thoughts that empower them. Conscious creators have boundaries in their lives. They know what they are willing to put up with and what they are not.A person who feels like a victim of circumstance will put up with abuse and situations of vulnerability because they don’t believe their actions can really change the situation.Non-conscious creators are in relationships that predictably violate their true boundaries. They are not fully aware of their own boundaries, and they don’t communicate their boundaries to others. Non-conscious creators are more afraid of loss than they are excited by gain. They are more comfortable with the abusive life they know than the non-abusive one that is yet unknown. So, they unconsciously create victim dynamics in every aspect of their lives, imprisoning them into a cell of their own making. How can one break free from this prison of fear?I believe one must first become aware of the causality between thought, emotion, behavior and life circumstance. Then one must become aware of his or her boundaries, and learn to effectively communicate them to themselves and others.The Prime Minister of New Zealand (supposedly playfully) pulled the hair of a waitress many times over several occasions. The waitress understandably found it difficult to effectively communicate that she did not like him doing that. She was confused and intimidated by her offender and hoped that her body language would communicate her boundaries. However, he kept repeating the boundary violation. Then she told his staff and his Facebook page—it seems she told everyone but her offender that she had a strict boundary.I’m not condoning the Prime Minister’s behavior in the least. Blaming the victim is not the goal here. The goal is to bring awareness to what actually works in getting your life and the people around you to respond to your boundaries.However, this is a very sensitive topic. Some would say that the Prime Minister’s actions were bordering on illegal harassment. According to her account, the waitress never clearly stated her boundary, but she did eventually use the word “no”. After that point, the Prime Minister continued briefly, then seemed to get the point. He stopped, apologized, and he expressed in his own words that he never knew he had crossed her boundary.While not condoning the Prime Minister’s unwelcomed touching, we must still realize that other people cannot read our minds, read our body language accurately, or even understand our tone or verbal meaning at times unless it is explicitly expressed.In our society there may be a power differential between a woman and a man, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, the young and the old, the congregant and the religious leader, the employee and the boss or the student and the teacher. The power differential between any two parties can make it difficult and uncomfortable to confront unwelcome behavior. Unwelcome behavior is not condoned, but it does happen all the time. Thus, it’s important to be aware of your boundaries, learn how to communicate them effectively, and know your legal rights in your jurisdiction. In the end, we do not have control over our offenders. We only have control over our own behaviors.Another recent political power differential comes to mind: In late 2014, a caddy to a formerly powerful politician in Korea allowed him to physically grope her for all 9 holes of a golf game before reporting it. That’s how hard it was for her to stand up for her boundaries. To a person in a vulnerable role of society, everyone that violates their boundaries seems to be able to assert real control over them. Nevertheless, a lack of appropriate action on the victim’s part will lead to further violations by many in their lives.You must be willing to feel the fear, yet take decisive action to gain your proper boundary.Appropriate actions can look many different ways. A general rule is to firmly and seriously tell the person exactly what your boundary is, and what you will do if they repeat it.For example: “John, I will not allow you to pull my hair or touch me in any way. If you do it again, I will report it”. If the conduct is illegal, you do not have to put up with it multiple times or try to convince the perpetrator to stop. You can, however, report it and seek resources for safety. This is not easy, but the alternative is even worse.Boundary discussions and decisions can be difficult. Sometimes you sacrifice things that you value, such as a job, money, and prestige (in the short term). In the long term, you have a lot to gain. You will be happier and more productive, and your life will reflect your self-respect and confidence. In the end, you are sacrificing a frequency of a low nature for a higher one.Boundaries penetrate every aspect of our existence, not just relationships. You have standards about what kind of living environment you are willing to be in, what kind of food you are willing to put into your body, what kind of media you are willing to consume, and what kind of people you will associate with. Every action in your life is a measure of how much you respect and love yourself. Every action corresponds to your boundaries.May we choose the most self-loving standards for ourselves.I know that in my life, the stronger I make my boundaries, the higher I climb in a spiral ever-upward toward health, happiness, empowerment and self-actualization. Your free will is the greatest gift, so honor and cherish it in yourself and others.

Perhaps you or your client has suffered with feelings of vulnerability and thoughts of blame. The first step with any challenge is to identify the problem that you want to change. The problem is always the way we feel. If we are happy, we don't have any problems. So the problem is not the situation, it is the way one feels about it. Our thoughts are based on our beliefs, which determine our actions, which are the largest determining factor in creating our life circumstances. You or your client could lie anywhere on the spectrum of believing in complete life responsibility. In my book "The Mastery Of Change", I demonstrate that the full realization of responsibility is the turning point in the journey toward mental health recovery or any major behavioral change. Its what I call the point of conscious evolution.

It can take a lot of reflection to identify exactly what emotions you are feeling in response to your thoughts and beliefs about your circumstances. Once you identify the emotion, you can then identify the main belief story that is triggering this emotional response. Help yourself or your client recognize when and how free will has been unconsciously abdicated in the process. For example: Joe feels sad and angry because his wife is ignoring him. The problem is the anger and sadness. The story is that Joe thinks he needs his wife's attention to be happy. Joe is giving up the free will to be happy no matter how his wife acts. Wouldn't it be nice if Joe could realized this right away and instantly feel happy? In reality, Joe has to prove to himself that it is true that he can choose to be happy despite how his wife acts. Joe will have to try out this new belief to see if its true. Thought exercises are a start. You can ask Joe: "Is it possible for you to be happy doing other activities while your wife is not paying attention to you? Joe may try to abdicate responsibility again. Joe may say that his wife should pay attention to him more often because its her duty and because he is so good to her. That is another story to inquire about. Joe, do you have control over what your wife does? No? What do you have control over? You are bringing Joe back to responsibility, or what he has the ability to respond to.

Joe says he wants to leave his marriage, but can't. Help Joe inquire if it is true that he has no free will to leave the marriage. Joe may then give himself dead end options for his life. He may say he can either stay in an unloving marriage or act against God and society by getting a divorce. Help Joe inquire if it is true that those are his only two options. Help him explore the infinite choices he has... one at a time.

There are so many strategies one could use with Joe. You can help Joe identify his feelings and release them by educating him on emotional release techniques that he can do on his own. This could give Joe relief from his anxiety attacks. You can help Joe identify all of the beliefs that cause him suffering and help him inquire into them. You can help Joe explore different behavioral strategies that he may have overlooked. Joe, what are some different ways you interact with your wife? Which behaviors get you what you want and which behaviors do not? By compassionately helping Joe explore his gift of free will, without judgement you are able to accomplish more than he could have alone. This synergy is what makes the therapeutic process so beautiful.

Identify the thought and story line that causes the emotional response.

Question the story.

Explore more empowering beliefs.

Explore different behavioral options.

Encourage small behavioral changes based on the new belief.

Show the client you care about them, understand their feelings and story, and support them on their journey to wellness without judgement.

Treating the whole person, not just their mind. Identify whether there are lifestyle and health issues that contribute to poor mental health.

Follow up with client about how the new behaviors worked in practice.

Almost all of the main schools of psychotherapy focus on thoughts, behaviors, and choice. It may be difficult to find a body psychotherapist who treats clients based on the mind/body connection. Explore all of the emotional release techniques available such as dancing, singing, acting, massage, and EFT. Inquiry can be done by yourself, with a therapist, or with a friend. Check out http://www.thework.com for certified facilitators of Byron Katie's inquiry method.

Disclaimer, I am not a therapist. After recovering from depression, I write and teach about mental health recovery and behavioral change. There are chapters in my book "The Mastery Of Change" a﻿bout emotional release and deconstructing beliefs.

This article was written for inner-city teachers, prison facilitators, and those working in residential care facilities with behavior-management issues.

People are only deviant because they have a particular worldview. They believe that what they have always done to survive has worked to meet their needs. The deviant worldview is based on the assumption that all people are takers and that they themselves must be takers in order to meet their needs. If you want to play a role in rehabilitating a client suffering with this kind of worldview, you must know some things about their home environment and their needs. You have to be able to offer them a better survival strategy. You have to show them that the world works by a different set of norms than they previously assumed. You have to prove to the suffering client that there is such a thing as a person that gives without wanting anything in return. Through your integrity, you have to show your client that trust in others is possible. You are offering them a view of a new world and a new way of interacting with it. This is a huge paradigm shift for the client to make. It involves the client letting go of their current perception of themselves in favor of a new one. This can be scary and awkward for the client. Furthermore, it can only be achieved in an environment that is perceived to be safe with people they can truly trust. You have to show the client that their strategy has too many costly consequences. The new strategy you are telling them about has to be better, otherwise they will revert to their old behaviors.

When Chaos Feels Normal

Our clients start out believing that they should merely follow their instincts to survive. They allow impulsivity to determine their behaviors. This allowed the client to navigate a chaotic and unstructured world with a sense of control. In their world, the only thing they could ever control was themselves. In the client’s home environment, chaos may have been the norm. If pain, abuse, trauma, fear, confusion, and fight or flight is normal, then order and safety may not be comfortable for long. The chemical responses to trauma in the brain and body are addictive in nature. Therefore, if the client gets a spike of adrenaline from trauma, they may unconsciously seek it out. You can see this exemplified by clients rushing to watch a fight or client restraint as entertainment or asking their families about fights in the neighborhood during their weekly phone calls. Clients will seek violence, drama, victims, perpetrators, and abuse because they are wired to be stimulated by trauma. Clients have to learn to experience a new kind of pleasure derived from healthy relationships, self-esteem, and positive experiences. Once trauma is generally removed from the client’s environment for a long enough time, the addiction is kicked. The client’s brain has literally rewired for adaptation to a non-traumatic environment. Absolute Control Is Impossible

A new structured environment can feel awkwardly oppressive to the client and defiance is a natural reaction to it. When a client is told to go to school, wear a uniform, and follow directions, they feel a loss of freedom and power which is very traumatic to them. Forcing a client to conform through aggression will give the client exactly what they need to stay traumatized and reinforce their worldview. Your client may unconsciously bait you (and other clients) into the trauma cycle through personal insults or outright aggression. If you can be the lightning rod that grounds the chaotic energy of the client, you will instantly become the most valuable resource in their world. You become the lightning rod when you stay unphased by their attempts to destabilize you. You become trusted and respected when you lead them toward calm amidst the storm of their emotions. When you show the client that you do this to help them rather than control them for your own purposes, you gain the utmost trust.

How can you make the client adjust to a structured environment that is actually healthier for them? A client will adjust to a structured environment if they feel safe with people they can trust. But what about the clients that need more convincing to comply to the structure of a program? How can intense and sometimes violent acting-out behavior, be controlled enough to start the therapeutic process?

Uniforms, walking in lines, sitting in desks, completing assignments, repeating directions, following routines, following orders, and all of the other aspects of residential placement take away the feeling of individuality from a client. This feels very oppressive and traumatic. They feel a loss of control over their environment. The best way to get them to comply is by allowing them to have a sense of freedom and individuality. This is achieved through planned expression of individuality and facilitated choice awareness. The lubricant which allows either of these tools to work effectively is trust and safety, which is based on kindness and providing protection, attention/affiliation/concern, and survival resources (food, water, shelter, bathing, clothing, fresh air,etc)

Planned expression of individuality happens when staff take an interest in the unique aspects of a client and facilitate that client to express their uniqueness and celebrate it. Staff facilitate a safe space for expression by ensuring that the expression is appropriate and respectful and that any response to it is appropriate and respectful. Modes Of Expression:

Dance

Rap

Poetry

Writing

Drawing

Art

Comedy

Acting

Sports

Singing

Unstructured play

Speaking personal truth

When a client can express their individuality in healthy ways often enough, compliance is achieved easily because the client’s sense of freedom and sense of self is not as threatened. Furthermore, the client needs to know that if they follow your guidance, they will always be protected/affiliated with/attended to and supplied for.Intermittently throughout structured routines, give clients the opportunity to express themselves appropriately privately (journaling) and publicly (expressing opinions in conversation). Intermittently throughout structured environments, allow the client to exercise in an open outdoor environment. The goal is a balance between control and freedom as well as assimilation and individuality. If there is too much control, the client feels like a slave and rebels. If there is too much much assimilation, the client loses a sense of himself and becomes dependent. If there is too much freedom, the client starts to make their own rules of conduct. If there is too much expression of individuality, the client forgets the needs of others.

When a client knows what is expected of them at all times and they are rewarded for good behavior and suffer from consequences to bad behavior, they feel a sense of order and safety.

When a client sees that no one is there to provide incentives to good behavior or consequences to bad behavior to themselves or others, they start to make up their own rules or follow the lead of more dominant peers due to perceived chaos.

Facilitated Choice Awareness

During facilitated choice awareness, a staff explains how a client’s actions will result in specific consequences. For example, if a client doesn’t want to get into line, staff could intimidate him into getting into line. That would achieve compliance (if you’re lucky) but not trust. More effectively, a staff member could separate the client from the group and talk to him privately. Separating the client from the group disarms the client from having to prove himself in front of the group. If a client is defiant, allow them the freedom to be defiant. Explain the consequences to their behavior. Let them make the wrong choice and suffer the consequences while encouraging them to make the right choice because of the benefit to them. Show them you are presenting them the options because you like them and want the best for them.

What is Trust?

Trust is the magic ingredient that makes all therapeutic techniques affective. We trust people we can rely on. They may lead us, protect us, or provide for us. They do not abandon us or forsake us. They tell the truth and they have integrity. They are kind and they care. They are invested in us and our well-being. They are there for us unconditionally.

At times, a client will refuse to trust you because they need more time to get to know you or they don’t believe you are leader enough until you prove yourself more. In the mean time, the client can act-out and seek to intimidate and disempower you in front of other clients. There are several tools you can utilize in these circumstances. If a client is showing off their defiance in front of a group to try to out-dominate you, separate them from the group and supervise them on a one to one ratio. This client may need a lot of time like this by himself. He may try to turn you into their personal entertainment by seeing what reactions he can get out of you. Then you can use the technique of planned-ignoring. If a client is acting-out or being insulting, giving them attention can incentivize the acting-out behavior. Therefore, only give attention and approval when their behavior is mature. This can turn into a war of attrition to see who can bore the other one to death. You can always engage the client in a mature way to test if the client is ready to engage in a healthy interaction. It is better that a client be isolated and bored or isolated and self-amusing rather than acting out in front of other clients, affecting the group dynamic and compromising the positive dominance of the staff.

Unconditional Love As Trust BuilderIf a child is mean and violent toward you and you still treat the child with kindness, the child will start to trust that you will not abandon them. Children or adults with abuse history will test you to see if you really are a kind person or if your care is conditional (just for a paycheck).

Physically Dominating a Client Doesn’t Work

Physical dominance can get you compliance (if you’re lucky) but not trust.

If a client poses a danger to themselves or another, you could restrain the client and tell them with kindness that you don’t want them to hurt you, himself, or anyone else and you are only restraining them to keep everyone safe. This shows that you are not counter aggressive and that you do not take the aggression personally. When you frame the dynamic in this way, the client is apt to conform to your interpretation of the dynamic. Therefore, the client will not see the interaction as a personal power struggle either.

If a client is defiant toward you and you try to physically dominate them into submission, you may get compliance, but not trust. Using physical domination perpetuates the “us vs them” mentality, making a therapeutic alliance difficult. Use isolation, planned ignoring, planned expression, exercise, or facilitated choice awareness to deal with defiance. Do not try to break a client into submission or get stuck in a power struggle. Trust is more important than compliance. You will be perceived to be weak and untrustworthy if you engage in a power struggle and you will be perceived to be strong and trustworthy if you show integrity.

Showing kindness to clients is not seen as weakness (if coupled with confidence). Along with attention, affiliation, protection, and nurturing (providing survival resources) it is the only way to get trust.

The following is seen as weakness or untrustworthiness to clients:

Lying: incongruence of what you say you will do and what you actually do.

Not following through with consequences or rewards (not sticking to boundaries).

Not keeping promises.

Being unkind to them

Being unkind to other kids or other adults.

Being demeaning

Being unfair to others

Being forceful or vengeful.

Being insecure or unconfident.

Being aloof.

Being unsure

Being confused

Being fearful.

Being very quiet or reserved.

Avoiding eye contact.

Avoiding giving consequences.

Avoiding conflict/confrontation.

If you behave without integrity or bully a client, it merely reinforces the worldview that every person is out for himself. If you are kind to the client and give of yourself to them, they will start to believe it’s possible to act from a place of contribution rather than selfishness. Remember that you are giving to your client by offering the gifts of your attention, leadership, guidance, care, and love. If you are nice to your client, but you do not show leadership and confidence, they will follow a more dominant person or start to make up their own rules. Whomever has the stronger frame of reality controls the dynamic.

Making Mistakes Is Part Of The ProcessWhy is it good that negative peers and overbearing staff exist in the client’s environment?In the perfect world, fruit would drop from the trees into our mouths. The world actually requires much more effort and ability. Although a facility may want all clients and staff to behave perfectly all the time, it is a part of the learning environment that there are temptations, negative influences, and challenges along the way. These are merely practice sessions for the client, preparing them for similar challenges in their home environment. It is the job of a facility to make sure that the stakes are never so high that they significantly compromise safety. Therefore, it may seem a shame that there are negative peers tempting a positive client to lie, cheat, and steal. However, the person being tempted must learn from the consequences of their behaviors, whether they be good or bad. An environment with no opportunity to learn would not be preparing the client for their home environment.Removing The Training Wheels

At some point the training wheels must be removed and the client must put their skills to the test. The last step to rehabilitation is removing staff (surrogate parents). Often clients must return to a home with neglectful or abusive guardians. In order for clients to be successful in a challenging home environment, they must have a belief in themselves as self-caretakers. They must feel capable of attaining the resources needed to survive. They must feel confident enough to confront challenges. They must be able to enter their home environment and see an order there that they didn’t see before. They must see a new path for themselves. They must see that they have the ability to navigate this new path. They must believe that they can be successful in achieving economic and emotional self-sufficiency. Otherwise, they will take the path of least resistance, which has always been mere instinct.The three main deviant strategies for economic survival are stealing, dealing, and dependence. If a facility encourages competence in vocational skills, social skills, financial literacy, and employment skills, a client feels confident enough to use the strategy of contribution rather than taking.

If you would like to discuss the facilitation of of this process with your organization in the form of a training or curriculum, please use the contact form at http://www.MasteryOfChange.com

At first the genre was called self-help. The assumption was that we were flawed and had to fix ourselves. We needed motivational speakers to pump us up. Then it was called self-development. The assumption was that we just needed new skills and habits to cultivate. Now we are moving into an era of self-transformation. In the new paradigm, we can accept ourselves for where we are at and recognize that there are many stages of evolution. There is a trend toward integration of skillbuilding and spirituality. There is an understanding that mind, body, and spirit must be taken into account. The classics of self-development still have plenty of value, like the foundation of a house. However the people who were once breaking new ground in this arena are now just reformulating the classic self-development mantras of values, habits, skills, positive thinking and motivation. Even the fathers of self-development that continue to pioneer are becoming grandfathers and we need new voices and ideas. Charles Eisenstein, Daniel Pinchbeck, Bentinho Massaro, Jeff Foster, and Russell Brand are some of those new voices. They are building upon the foundation of indigenous wisdom and classic self-development and stretching into the quantum and multidimensional field of awareness. Refreshingly they are doing this in a fairly intelligent, humorous, and non new-agey sort of way. Using science as a bridge, these change agents are showing the masses the light of wisdom in a fresh, exciting, fun, and credible way. The new self-help guru is not a guru at all, but more of a peer who is just as comfortable sharing wisdom from his life path on his smartphone as he is in a packed stadium.

In a time when millions are feeling victimized by the economy and alienated by technology, people are hungry for practical advice for their daily struggles. People are returning in droves to self sustainability, DIY, and other ways to embrace simplicity, connection, nature, and fulfillment. However there is still the need to feel empowered within civilization. With internet business at full throttle, people know that they can create their own careers, but they’re afraid of giving up what is secure and familiar. As decentralization occurs at every level of society, people are both excited and fearful at the prospect of being masters of their own universe. The scientific substantiation of ancient practices such as mindfulness and yoga has accelerated. The practices have become mainstream and many people are experiencing awakening without traditional guidance of a tribe or elder.

The need is clear. Since the advent of civilization, man has suffered from the illness of mental suffering. He has also strived to achieve his desires and find happiness and fulfillment. There are many paths to solve this ancient riddle, however The Mastery Of Change offers a practical guide to people of the current generation in the civilized world.

In a genre where the likes of Brendon Burchard confine themselves to the foundational understandings of self development, The Mastery Of Change offers original insights into the nature of emotional energy, practices to address modern ailments such as technology addiction and social alienation, and spiritual signposts in practical terms for the uninitiated.

There will always be a need for people like Dr. Phil and Brendon Burchard, however there is a new trend in self-development publishing. So much so that the term self-development is becoming passe. Transformative media and instruction is the wave of the future. Mindvalley, Sounds True, and others will bring transformation to the world as long as they continue to evolve with the times. Are you looking for the next self-development best seller? If you are, you may be looking in the wrong genre. This is my take on the direction of the publishing world. It seems like every time I blink the amount of ebooks being published doubles. Its a brave new world, and it calls for a brave new book. Thank you for considering this theory. I invite you to open the pages of The Mastery of Change and allow it to transform your life. Its a book you can dance with, put down...and then dance with again as the music in life changes. If you’ve read this far, it means the book is calling you now. The power is in you to take the next step and breathe the light of your awareness into its pages.