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A Beautiful Disaster

Every girl has a story, especially when they have an unplanned pregnancy, this is mine.

My Daughter Sophia Diane was born on November 13 2012; she was the purest form of perfection I had ever laid my eyes upon. Right then and there I swore that I would never be to her, what my mother was to me.

I couldn’t understand in that moment how a mother could just leave her child…even though it was with a family member (my grandmother), I couldn’t understand that. From the moment my daughter was born all I wanted to do was hold onto her and never let her go.

I had held on to a lot of ill feelings toward my mother for a very long time…feelings of betrayal, rejection, guilt, hurt, and for a long time an all-around hatred for the woman who gave birth to me.

I know now that it is not okay to feel that way towards anyone, let alone your mother. God has opened my eyes to an array of things that I would have never known if I hadn’t have had my baby.

Like although my mother was initially physically and emotionally abusive, she was having her own problems as well. Now don’t mistake my understanding for the making of excuses for her wrongful doing. I just now understand that she did not know how to deal with the horrible hand she was given and needed help, but wouldn’t ask for any out of pride.

When my mother left me I was 16 years old and wanted to be “all grown up” like most 16 year olds. I ran with the wrong friends, started smoking marijuana and drinking way too much, way too often. This went on until I got pregnant when I was 17, a month before my 18th birthday. I knew then there was no way that I could physically, mentally, or financially take care of a child. So the father and I made the joint decision to get an abortion. Now had there been a group like Embrace Grace in Florida when this happened, I am positive now that circumstances would have been different. However there was not and I did go through with it. It still hurts to my very soul to this day.

Afterwards the father and I stayed together and stayed together for quite a while. In November of 2010 I became pregnant again and this time we were super excited because we had been together for 2 years, were engaged and planning a wedding…well God had other plans because on January 15th, 2011 I miscarried. I was distraught. I felt like God was punishing me for doing what I did to my first baby. I was broken. I partied like there was no tomorrow and didn’t care what happened…

He and I started having problems shortly after we got married and I realized that I didn’t want that…it wasn’t right. Something was wrong. I was right there was something wrong. We were like oil and water and our relationship was not going to work. To this day I believe that the loss of our child sealed the deal and that was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Shortly after I left my now ex-husband, I met a very handsome blue eyed stranger while I was out one night with my best friend. Turned out that he would become the father of my child and my future.

God had a plan for me all along and even though my faith had faulted, God loved me anyway, and knew where I was supposed to be and where I would be in the future.

James and I have been together almost 2 years and although it has not been the smoothest of times, he is the best father and future husband that I could ever even dream up….even when I was doubtful; God had created the perfect man just for me. I just had to find him.

I never thought that it would honestly happen for me; I believed I was destined to have a string of dysfunctional relationships like my mother. Drunks, Druggies, Criminals, Abusers, Cheaters, Thieves…the list could go on and on and on. But in such a short time, He led me to the perfect man for me…

Right then it made me question… “What am I doing questioning him?”

I started reading my Bible and trying to understand why things happened the way they did…while doing this I found out I was pregnant with my wonderful Sophia. It was like all curtains were pulled back and all doors opened and I saw the light.

I was then introduced to Amy Ford and started Embrace Grace. It was the most amazing choice I had ever made in my life. Not only because of the wonderful people I met, but the way my faith was restored is indescribable.

I realized that maybe having so much hate built up for my mother was not necessary.

When I came home from the hospital I did the grown up thing and looked up my mother on Facebook and sent her a message that I gave birth to her first granddaughter and sent some pictures. That was it…short and simple but it was a start.

Right then I let go of everything and gave it to God. If I was meant to have a relationship with her then God would lead me to her.

Well about a week ago I received a message from my mother on Facebook. She told me that she realized that she had a problem and was getting the help and medications she needed. She also told me that she needed open heart surgery and a valve replacement…on top of the very long list of major medical issues that she was suffering through. In the short version, my mother is basically standing on deaths doormat although I am still believing for a miracle. I was shocked when I read everything. She told me she is currently taking 22 different medications for all her illnesses.

I am still in shock and have the heaviest heart i can only imagine. It almost breaks my heart to know that the woman i have held so much negativity towards..might die…All i can do though is pray.

She has since asked me if she could move to Texas to spend what time she has left with Sophia and watch her grow, as well as attempt a relationship with me. Now I don’t know how well it is going to go, but because she has made the effort and taken the steps to live a better life, I am willing to give her a chance.

I have, with Gods guidance and love, forgiven her whole heartedly. I cannot hold all of this negativity inside my heart, when that’s just a big fat sign that invites the devil in to my heart to stay, and I am not going to do that.

I have continued to speak to her daily and am helping her find a place to live that she can get all of the medical and psychological help she needs.

God had shown me that my daughter deserves to know her grandmother in a way that I never got to, and I will follow the path he has laid.

My life may be a disaster, but it’s a beautiful disaster and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, and with God by my side, I can conquer any and all obstacles put before me.

Every time I think about this situation now only one verse keeps repeating in my head…

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Jesus Christ forgave you. {Ephesians 4:32}

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One thought on “A Beautiful Disaster”

What a beautiful and inspiring story of Gods Power to take off our blinders and forgive! I will be praying rapid healing for your mother and that Sophia is a catalyst for loving change! Thank you for sharing your story! God bless you! Kimberley.