Friday, August 19, 2005

I find it relatively amusing that my one and only breakdown in school was brought about by a stupid napfa test that has no bearing on anything else but my self esteem. Which isn't even really affected. *shrugz* Complicated.

There seems to be so much to do, so much demanded, so much expected, and so much needed. And saying yes to one thing is to say no to another - an answer which is questioned, and used to make me feel guilty, and hopefully to change my mind. But I can't, don't you see? There are too many variables in life to say yes to everything and hope it all goes well. Things just don't. There does not have to be a reason for failure. Or a reason for success. But as long as I have some form of control, I need to, and will use it. Selfish? Maybe. But flip the coin kiddo - aren't you being selfish by demanding things from me? How about sacrifice on your part too. I'm stretched so thin I can hardly see myself. Everybody has legitimate reasons for their demands. How can I say yes to all?

I need this, don't you see. The ability to work for this dream is the only thing I have been able to depend on, at least in a non-spiritual context. And I keep giving up that ability for things which, though perhaps equally important - argh I don't know where this argument is going. Except that I can't do it anymore.