Poetry, Thoughts, Stories…

Addict Journals cont’d

I’ve been so busy I haven’t gone to meeting in months… I would try to check in every so often but … I always found my mom spoke more when I wasn’t there and so I stopped going so that she could gain more from the meeting. But she hasn’t gone often in a long time… And my sponsor no longer attends because of his new work hours.

Not having my sponsor around as much as before has also been a major reason why I haven’t gone back to meeting but we had decided to continue step work regardless. But we really just haven’t been in contact much because both of us are busy and he also has many pressing cases / people to deal with.

Yesterday we spoke and he asked about when we would start back doing step work … Which I want to do but right now seems just as tiring as anything else that I have to do. Step work isn’t something to be taken lightly and you really kind of immerse yourself when you start doing it.

I miss the ladies of the meeting though.. It was always strange how much they said I helped them because I am neither Married nor a mother and in most cases their addict was a husband or child… But I suppose it’s always been easier for me to say how I feel / be truthful about situations that most ppl.

It’s not that I don’t care about how the other person (aka the addict) would feel based on what I have to say… But I’ve just always been able to be ok with saying things even if it’s not what you might want to hear… Co dependents always tend to mute themselves because the addict is the most important person but I’m not codependent on my actual addict maybe that’s why saying what I felt about him and what he was doing was easier?

I also feel like there is a lot of responsibility when it comes to meetings and step work. If I complete step work it’s only understood that I should then sponsor someone … While we suggest and we don’t give advice … It’s such a huge responsibility I don’t know if I am ready for that and also because you’re not supposed to get attached / feel any sort of way if your “sponsee” isn’t necessarily following what the steps suggest and I’m not sure that I can separate myself in that way. My sponsor is very good at doing it but… Sometimes I wonder if he’s really human 👽…

Being so swamped with work is also an issue, because many things that should be routine like going to meetings or keeping in touch with others from the meeting, tend to become waylaid.

But fear is also a part of it… I had reached a point where I felt that I was only “about” meetings and step work as if I myself was an addict and I guess I didn’t want to feel like I was ? So I pulled away when I felt that too much of my life was becoming focused on that… And that isn’t the fault of anyone other than me finding it hard to create the balance between “regular” life and the life of someone who lives with an addict.

Maybe I will go back to meeting someday before end of year… But I do feel it is necessary to start back step work and at least more correspondence with my sponsor so that I can regain and maintain some more peace in my life.