The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness. ~ President Barack Obama, 1/20/09

Friends

For the Kids

09/23/2007

Trixie for President

General disclaimer: This has NOTHING to do with the Junior Scouts. Also, remember way back when I warned there might be curse words occasionally in my blog? Well, here they all are. It's also going to be really, really long. And finally, I'm running the risk of offending the majority of my readership by the thoughts put forth below...both mine and the candidate's. I'm so sorry. As with Nickelback, let's just agree to disagree, yes?******************************************************************I had the most awesome friends in college. So awesome that they actually wrote to me after they had left college. This was back before teh internets, so these were real live honest-to-god letters. And because I'm unable to throw anything away (hence the 30+ gallstones), I've kept many of these letters.

One of my letter-writing college pals was a very smart fellow we'll call Trixie. (Unlike most of us here, he really does need a pseudonym, as he's a very well-respected professor at a big-name university now. Also, we really did call him Trixie in college.) One letter I recently uncovered from Trixie was a fake letter soliciting my vote for him for president. The letter is postmarked Feb of 1988.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Stewart/Colbert '08 ticket is just a joke; and I'm doubtful that we can get enough write-in votes to get Al Gore re-elected (who cares whether you want to run or not, Al...nobody asked you). But re-reading Trixie's letter makes me think he's still a viable candidate...his platform still 'speaks to me', maybe more than it did almost 20 (!!!!!!!) years ago. Here's the letter:

#########Dear Sweet Scout:As you probably are aware, 1988 is a presidential election year. This November the American people will have an opportunity to repent their inanity and crimes against humanity committed in 1980 and 1984, by rejecting the substance and fluff of the criminal, corrupt, inept Reagan administration.

After eight years under the oppressive yoke of the dumb, the bad, and the ugly, this country needs a leader who can take charge and set us back on a track more in line with the ideals upon which America is based. We need a president who can be firm, forceful, hardheaded, decisive, and an asshole when necessary, someone who is into leather, opposes capital punishment, nuclear war, and poodles. We are desperate for a man who loves beer, women, and the Pretenders, football, and modern poetry. But does such a leader exist? And, if so, is he willing to sacrifice 4 years of the good life in order to fix up what a bunch of crooked, knuckle-dragging, dickless Republicans took 8 years to fuck up?

Yes!! Trixie, boy genius and ex [redacted] RA, is the man for the job. Just take a look at his stands on the issues:

TAXES: Raise the fuckers. Socialism can work if we just give it half a chance. Look at Sweden. Shit, I could handle that.

ARMS CONTROL: Let's get rid of all the nukes, just like that. We drop 'em all on an island in the Pacific upon which Angry Jasmine [ed: whaaa?] are the only people. The world would be a much nicer place.

ABORTION: Let the baby decide.

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: If we kill a guy for committing murder then we have to waste the guy who throws the switch, because he has then committed murder. Then we have to waste the guy who kills the first executioner. I foresee a real mess here.

PORNOGRAPHY: I love it. Don't you?

CHURCH & STATE: Ban churches and the state will take care of itself. Shit, Pat Robertson is running for president. What the hell do you think I think about church & state?

As you can see, Trixie is the only man with the proper attitude and qualifications to run this country. You can help America to become the shit by simply voting for Trixie for president.

Thank you,Hunter S. ThompsonChmn., Trixie for President committee

#############So...20 years later and I think his platform still holds up (though obvy his committee needs a new chairperson). It's early yet, but Trixie's clearly a front-runner in my book for '08. I mean, who doesn't still want America to become the shit?