Feeling ungrateful…

* I apologize in advance as to how this post is going to make me sound, but I really thought that you deserved to know. This is a personal post and I am choosing to share a huge part of me with the world.

2012 has been a crazy year for me. I know that I often tell you when things are going good in my real life. I’m not trying to pretend that there aren’t bad times in my life because there sure are. This year has been a long, crazy, stressful year that came biting me in the head in the form of a present.

As I have mentioned in previous posts I spent the better part of the year dating KonaBoy. The saddest part to say the least is we have now reached a point where we are taking a long hiatus. I’ll let you interpret that how you will. It mostly came from me acting like a crazy person and struggling to adjust to having someone dependable in my life. Trust me, he’s a great person and deserves the best I won’t deny that. It’s now at the point where I know I don’t deserve to be in his life, but can’t bear to be without him.

I know that I also talk very little about my job on here simply because of the nature of it. It wouldn’t take very much sleuthing to find me and I don’t appreciate stalkers. At the beginning of the year, I got a new immediate boss which is great in a lot of ways because I finally have some space to breathe and actually imagine doing things. That has also in some ways made this year hard because my new boss is walking into a new experience and changing things. As many people can relate change is hard and it isn’t easy to deal with all those feelings. I adore my new boss and I know he means well, but I there are days when I just can’t handle being stretched.

The thing that brought all the feelings to a head for me came in form of a present. I recently participated in Fat Mum Slim’s Secret Santa exchange. I love giving gifts to people and recently discovered that its one of my love languages. I love seeing my recipients face light up knowing that I saw something that made me think of them. I know that receiving gifts isn’t everyone’s love language and I can’t make it, but please be grateful. I’m getting off track though I was paired up with someone from Seattle and found out some pretty amazing things about her from the discussion group and gave her and sent her an amazing package, although I think that I probably could have done better had I not been so caught up in life. I received my package from my secret santa in the mail earlier this week and to even though I knew it was purchased online I was thinking that it would be the Polaroid Instax camera that I told her I wanted. Instead of receiving the camera I got two shot glasses that I listed on my wish list a long time ago. It’s not that I didn’t want the shot glasses , but they reminded me of KonaBoy and the reason I got them. I felt upset that I didn’t get the gift that I was hoping for. I felt hurt that my secret santa didn’t put more time into getting me something more thoughtful or more insightful. I looked her up in the group and was faced the with the stark reality that she was indeed busy with life and was feeling a bit bad for not doing more.

It took me a long time that night to get over the fact that I didn’t get what I wanted, the gift or the thought. I watched a show which I can’t remember now which one it was and it reminded me of all the gifts that had been bought for people throughout the year that would never be given because they were physically there anymore. It made me feel sad because not having someone there at a special time like this there was nothing more important than the season of giving and of being with people who care about you.