Thursday, April 29, 2010

To paraphrase a friend of mine, a bored motherf*cker with an axe to grind is a dangerous thing. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past 2 weeks or were actually out living your life & missed it, I’ve been dealing with my first stalker! Yay me, right? Wrong! Some people theorize having a stalker as being a result of “doing something right”. I strongly disagree. I was just unfortunate enough to have some loonytunes fucktard latch onto my teet. It has been uber-annoying, which I’m sure is the goal of said stalker…to annoy me. I guess if you can’t get attention from doing something positive, you’ll get it anyway you can take it.

It all started Thursday (April 15th) when I received a follow from an individual named @tamara_wiggins. The tweet simply said “Hey girl.” When I looked at the page, I noticed the background was wallpapered with my friend’s business logo and the avatar was of two other people that I know & NONE of these people are named Tamara. I looked at the person’s timeline & saw that they were tweeting another friend of mine. I alerted both he (I’m like, dude! You’re talking to a ghost!) & my friend ( the one whose logo had been pilfered.) I also asked my followers to please report that page as spam. The fakie got his boxers all in a bunch (we have reason to believe that one of the fake profile creators is a dude!) and fakie proceeds to tweet that I too am spam and to report my page. Of course, the fake profile had less than 1/10th of the followers that I have, so him crying spam fell on deaf ears.

Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from an acquaintance in a completely different time zone letting me know that a fake “Steen” page had been created & this person was hitting folks up. I get home & see this fake page is following 90 of the people that I follow. I reached out to everyone individually & told them to report this page & the page was suspended within minutes. Over the next few days I had more fake pages pop up than I can count. Because of an ongoing investigation, I can not discuss the details of where we are in the process of apprehending the individuals involved in this or the real reasons behind why this is all happening but trust me, it’s something out of a damn movie.

Up until one week ago I felt there was no need to make my Twitter page private. I mean after all, I never say anything that I don’t mind the world knowing. You never know who’s watching, and there are too many services out there that extract information from Twitter and put them in a nice little package, making stalking that much easier. (Like http://search.twitter.com, which allows you to see all Tweets between individuals.) I quickly realized that the fake was also searching my name via Twitter’s search feature so that he could see all tweets going to me & any RT’s from unlocked pages. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty online cautious. I NEVER tell the exact location of where I’m going to be. If you do this in 2010, you’re pretty naïve. I will mention certain details after I’ve left a certain location. You never know…always better to be safe than sorry. I will admit, it was a little jarring to see that a person had taken the time to go through my Twitpics & had created a page using a picture of my friend’s boyfriend as the avatar and the wallpaper was of a hotel room I had Twitpic’ed in early March. I had just posted a Twitpic of a breakfast burrito I made that morning, giving them access to my entire Twitpic album containing over 200 pictures.

So, my page is private and I am very cautious of who I accept, who I decline, and who I just flat out report as spam. I’ve become quite the fake profile sleuth, if I do say so myself! I’m going to show you now a few folks that have sent me follow requests & how you too can quickly spot a fake page.

Let’s take a look at @purplegurl225’s page (http://twitter.com/purplegurl225.) The first thing I notice is that “her” avatar isn’t actually her. It’s Meagan Goode. Some people don’t like to use their own pics on Twitter & prefer anonymity so that doesn’t automatically mean this person is a fake. However, “she” has 30 followers, is following 74 and…*drum roll* almost every single person “she” has tweeted in the last 3 days has since deleted their own Twitter page! One person that she continues to tweet has never responded. He more than likely blocked her & she’s tweeting the air. #FAIL

Our next fake page comes straight out of “Chicago”. @I_Be_Jiggin (http://twitter.com/I_BE_JIGGIN) is following 173 people. How’d he find me, I wonder. He’s not following anyone that I follow or that follows me. He never tweets anyone…just spends his days tweeting himself since he created his page on the 15th (the same day all the fake pages started springing up.) He’s not following any of his favorite rappers but he is following the @claudiajordnfan page which is an automatic dead giveaway AND he’s following @pregnancy_mirac. Really, Mr. Jiggin? You want to stay up on all the latest news pertaining to the miracle of pregnancy? Curious about gestation & Braxton Hicks & mucus plugs? FAKE FAIL!

Next we have @daguelito. (http://twitter.com/daguelito). He’s new to Twitter. He has only tweet under his belt…”el fuego del caribe!” He’s the fire of the Caribbean? Really? Then why is he from Berlin? My geography is a little rusty, but last time I checked the Caribbean and Europe were pretty far from each other. FAIL

Our next fake @classwitcash (http://twitter.com/classwitcash) just sent me a follow request. She’s been on Twitter since September but she’s only tweeted 125 times. I got thrown in Twitterjail TWICE during the Grammy’s for tweeting DOUBLE that in 2 hours! She has 33 followers which is amazing to me b/c someone so attractive would have more followers just based off of that. She’s following 17 (none of which are following me or vice versa) so I’m not sure how she found me. Oh, and her tiny little av gives her away. It’s the same size an av would be if you took it from a private page that you weren’t following. Nice try.

Next up is @Misslouiegirl22 (http://twitter.com/Misslouiegirl22). She has been on Twitter since April 23rd. She only talks to people who will never respond. She has 119 followers & is following 909. She’s on @Msdasgelle’s list called “The Real People”. So, by default, @MsDashelle (http://twitter.com/MsDashelle) is fake too. @MsDashelle created her page on the 23rd less than an hour after this other mudduck created hers. Nice try ladies! @nikubushicom (http://twitter.com/nikubushicom) created hers on the same day within the same hour. Did 3 friends all decide to create Twitter pages on the same day at the same time & all list each other? Nope. It’s one hobbieless hoe creating multiple pages. TRIPLE FAKE FAIL.

Anyone who has time to spend creating fake Twitter profiles all day long & having faux conversations with other fake profiles & celebrities that will never acknowledge them clearly wasn’t hugged enough as a child. (Excluding the hugs from that “uncle” that they were warned not to spend any time alone with.) This person obviously doesn’t have real friends or a job because who opts to spend THIS much time talking to phantoms until the wee hours of the morning, missing out on social gatherings with real people & risking arriving tired at the office in the morning? This person probably doesn’t get any exercise because they’re online ALL DAY. So, be on the lookout for an ugly, tired, unpopular, out of shape individual with carpal tunnel. If you spot them, PLEASE call the authorities right away. DO NOT attempt to apprehend them yourself. They will steal your Twitpics & annoy the shit out of you too! And if you're the person who has been trying to penetrate my fortress, you're going to have to try a lot harder to get in boo-boo. Good luck! :)