If you get off on the combination of bad movies and good comedy,
“Mystery Science Theater 3000” is a concept that was created with you
in mind. This ninth volume of the TV program is a four-DVD set, which
includes a quartet of films that are so stupid they’re entertaining.

For those new to MST3K, this program was one where the hosts, made up
of both humans and robots, are supposedly trapped in an experiment on a
distant planet where they’re forced to watch terrible movies; they talk
over the soundtracks and make jokes about them the way we once did with
educational films back in school. Only in reality they got paid for it.

It’s bad enough when a movie is poorly designed, but it makes matters
even worse when the title of a work has nothing at all to do with the
film itself. Yet such is the case with “Women of the Prehistoric
Planet.” This first kitschy disc of the set is actually a sci-fi story
instead a prehistoric one. So if you’re hoping to see multiple scenes
of cavewomen and Flintstone lookalikes, you’re out of luck here. It is
the sort of B-movie sci-fi that makes the cheesy “Lost in Space” show
actually look smart and compelling. It’s nearly impossible to follow
the plot, although I believe it has something to do with a woman
returning to her planet of origin. The Mystery Science Theater gang has
great glee skewering this cinematic mess. The movie’s best visual
moment is when a big, yellow bubble object appears on screen.
Presumably, it is some kind of a communication device on a spaceship.
But to the MST3K folks, it looks more like one of those ‘70s Joe Namath
popcorn poppers. There’s also a leading character who mumbles almost
everything he says, so each time he speaks, the sound of mumbling from
our cruel commentators can also be heard over the soundtrack.

This release also contains a brief intro with actress Irene Tsu, who
plays the Linda character who returns to her home planet in the film.
Why she would want to say a few serious words about a role she might
advisably deny ever having played, however, is anybody’s guess.
Returning to speak about this film must have been more arduous than
Linda making it back to her planet in the story.

MST3K was a popular program, but the films the show took on were not
always science fiction stories, or even horror flicks. “Wild Rebels,”
for instance, is a biker gang movie. These bikers in the story go by
the name “Satan’s Angels,” because Hell’s Angels was, well, already
taken. That and true Hell’s Angels are also actually scary dudes, which
is something these bumbling idiots certainly are not. This gang hooks
up with a frustrated car racer because they need a driver to assist
with their various small-scale robberies. Apparently, if you can drive
at high speeds around a racetrack, it somehow qualifies you to dart
along city streets as the getaway man for crimes. A few of this film’s
best moments are whenever the race car driver dude picks up his
acoustic guitar and sings. Instead of just letting the man accompany
himself on his six-string, these filmmakers decided to add background
music to the soundtrack as well. The MST3K guys can’t help but wonder
if nature’s little creatures are hiding and playing along at one point,
in a scene where driver boy is out in the woods singing.

If you’ve seen Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood,” you’ll already know a little
about the director of “Sinister Urge.” Wood directed this horrid film,
which is presumably intended to be a warning against pornography. Porn
is referred to as smut here, and if this film is indeed true to the way
life was back then, they sure don’t make porn like they used to. That’s
because whenever there are scenes where “smut” pictures are being
taken, the women in them are almost fully clothed. So much so, in fact,
today’s bikini sunbathers are XXX in comparison. The tone of the film
is comparable to that unintentionally funny anti-drug film, “Reefer
Madness,” as these so-called “smut” pictures are treated like the
addictive drugs they surely are not. There are even scenes showing
distributors pushing their pictures on helpless school kids. The thin
plot of the film involves a serial killer who works “in the business,”
and also kills “smut” models. To catch him, the police set up a sting
operation with a male officer dressed as a female cop. Even though
he/she is the ugliest woman in the world, our killer can’t help but go
after him/her.

The film is introduced by Conrad Brooks, who plays the character
Connie. But once again, why any actor would even admit to having
appeared in such a dog is beyond logic.

“The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-Up Zombies” is such a convoluted title, you’d swear its creators
were just having fun with the horror genre when they named it. But
that’s not the case. This last film is set in a carnival atmosphere,
where burlesque dancers entertain fairgoers and also turn some into
zombies. In one hilarious moment, this all-white dance troupe dresses
as African natives and performs tribal moves for the popcorn and cotton
candy-eating throng. This incongruous choice of performers and
repertoire doesn’t get past the MST3K folks, however. Our commentators
wonder what this National Geographic moment has to do with anything.
This bizarre scene has likely never happened at any carnival, anywhere,
and should never have been added into a film. There’s another scene
where a future zombie gets hypnotized by a dancer using one of those
black and white spiral thingies. It is here that the crew adds in all
their best “Twilight Zone” jokes while the spiral spins.

This may come sound like a stretch, but MST3K many times reminds me of
“Beavis & Butthead.” Of course, B&B are animated dopes who sit
around all day long and watch rock videos, at least when they’re not
out and about getting into trouble. But if you listen closely between
their jokes, you’ll pick up on some surprisingly astute music
criticism. They may exemplify the lowest common denominator,
comedy-wise, but when they say songs truly suck, for instance, they’re
usually right. And when they exclaim something’s cool, it often is.
Similarly, both the humans and the robots in this MST3K cast
insightfully notice whenever actors are overacting or when the
direction is just plain stupid and senseless. In other words, they know
what they’re talking about when it comes to movie criticism.

You get the impression that behind all the jokes and pop culture
references, the MST3K cast and writing staff are comprised of true
movie fans. At the same time, there’s something particularly joyous
about watching a film that is so bad it’s good. It’s as if you’re glad
the director was taking a nap while directing it, or that the writer
was scribbling nonsense when he created the dialogue. Such bad art is
what leads to laugh-out-loud comedy, ya know.

All of these four movies are old, by the way. But wouldn’t it be fun to
hear what these guys have to say about some contemporary films, too?
I’d simply kill to hear their commentary on Mariah Carey’s “Glitter,”
for example

Sadly, “Mystery Science Theater 3000” is in hiatus right now. Let’s
hope somebody coaxes its makers back into action, because the film
business is taken too seriously these days. It’s as if critics are
afraid to bite the hand that feeds them. But even if MST3K never
returns to action again, please still grab this four-DVD set and join
in on the fun. You won’t regret it.