"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Mutant Freak vs. the X-Men

Oh, it's going to be a Battle Royale this weekend, that's fer sure. O'Doyles everywhere. Boxofficeguru.com will have the inside scoop, of course. All I know is, there hasn't been a grudge match of towering Hollywood titans since Ah-nold's Last Action Hero was being released the same weekend as Jurassic Park... and I don't think I need to tell you how that turned out. And so, we have a similar situation: a Republican governor of sorts dares cross paths with the hottest Jennifer Lawrence-related vehicle yet, X-Men: Days of Future Past. And I just found out who its director is! After the shellacking he took last year for Lord-of-the-Rings-izing the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, director Bryan Singer's back in familiar turf with this latest of latest and greatest X-Men movies. Sometimes you gotta play it safe, especially after something like Jack the Giant Slayer.
And in the other corner... it's Adam Sandler's 2014 pic. He sent Drew Barrymore to see Stew Beef and do his dirty work for him. Guess he's busy on Grown-Ups 3 or something, probably filming 3 and 4 back-to-back; you know, because Nick Swardson's not available or something. Being a casting director for Adam Sandler must be the easiest job in the world: all you have to do is call the same 20 people over and over and over and over again! Might be a bad thing, though. Might make you soft, unflexible... you know, for when you work on a regular movie and there's scheduling conflicts. Blended has its characters go on vacation in Africa, because Sandler's tired of making movies in Hawaii.
So which is it, America? The fake heartwarming latest from Sandler and company? Or the latest and greatest superhero movie of all time? Better decide quick, because it's Angelina Jolie with wings next weekend.
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(Sunday afternoon) Yup, just as expected... at least, on the X-Men side of things. As it turns out, by a little over 2 to 1 in box office receipts, people wanted to see the other seagoing reptilian freak Godzilla in lieu of Adam Sandler this weekend. Go figure. He toned down the embarrassing stuff, guys! Only half the fart jokes. You know, all that fun stuff the kids like. You'll hear all about it on the drive home, I'm sure. No, the big surprise this week... there's just way too much stuff that floats under my radar, I'm afraid! I admit it. I'm a fraud. Anyway, the not-so-big surprise is a little thing called Chef... no, not that one. This chef's got jailhouse tats and attitude to spare. And he's probably part psychic, too! Why, one look at your face, and he peers into the shallow pool of your soul and he can instantly divine if you're a bacon man trying to score your next fix, or just looking for a nice t-bone filet on a bun. With some au jus just for dipping. This is one of those small films in between blockbusters that people like to do. Well, it's probably more developed than Sean Astin's The Long and Short of It, anywho. There should be no joy in Blockbusterville, as this tiny sapling got some sunlight. No, we must look back to November 17th, 2013, when The Best Man Holiday was the only debut! 2nd place, no other debuts. Or maybe to a lesser extent, January 26th of this year, when I, Frankenstein was the only debut... sixth place, but STILL!
Oh yeah, almost forgot. God's not dead, but even God avoided the red carpet premiere of God's not Dead. Oh, s'z'nap!!!!!!!