Killer-Part 1

Please comment. I need to knwo that this DOESN'T totally suck. plus i want tips.

I've always been bored with my life. I read all these stories about wizards and werewolves, and i longed to be part of them. I guess i got more than I bargained for. I was only your average teenage girl. I was pretty, definitely, but not beautiful. I had curly black hair and bright green eyes. My skin was so pale it looked white. My friends said it made me look like a vampire. Little did they know how right they were. It was on my twelfth birthday, when my life fell apart. I started to feel thirsty. I drank ate, did everything, but it wouldn’t go away. After a week, I was sick. After two weeks, I was dying. Then, I woke up. No, I wasn’t dreaming, but I had fainted, at least, that's what I was told. I didn’t wake up until I felt a straw in my mouth. I drank the warm liquid, and immediately I felt better. There was a boy in front of me, holding the straw. “You’re awake.” he said, “That's good.” I moaned and tried to get up. The boy gently pushed me back down. “You're weak from loss of blood,” he continued, “Here, this will help.” He pushed another straw into my mouth. I felt energy rush into my veins, and I sat up gingerly. I looked at the mysterious boy who had saved my life. He had black wavy hair, and skin like mine, pale white. His face was, well, perfect. He had a square jaw, and a small nose. His face didn’t look real; it was like a perfect marble sculpture. Hen I looked at his eyes. They were a bright green, like mine. They seemed to see right through me, and made me nervous. I hoped my eyes didn’t have the same effect. I didn’t know what to say to him, but luckily, he broke the ice. “My name is Delos.” “I'm Iris.” “Nice name.” I started laughing, but laughter echoed strangely in the room or cavern or wherever I was. I stopped laughing. Why would Delos bring me here, and care for me for no reason. He had to have a purpose. “Doles,” I said, before I could lose my nerve, “What do you want from me?” He laughed. “You are not strong enough to get what I want. But you will learn, oh yes.” “Learn what?” “How to survive.” “You're avoiding my question.” He laughed again, “You don't understand what you are, and I will teach you. You can become invincible under me.” “What am I?” I whispered, even though deep down inside, I knew the answer. “Vampire,” he said, and I collapsed into a dead faint

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Well, I am a totally Twilight Obsessed freak and I love anything with Vampires, sparkly or not. You have a couple of typos, but the story itself is a good lead in to a longer story. The "You are not strong enough to get what I want" left me curious and wanting to know more. Good start.

P.S. Real Vampires Sparkle :-)

Draglea123replied...Apr. 16, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Uh hello, that's only in Stephenie's Vampire world. There are no real vampires.

To be honest, I didn't see much of anything unique about this piece. There is so much vampire hype that a vampire story like this doesn't really stand out. I would suggest writing about other less common things. If you really do want to continue on this piece, which I encourage you to do, then here are a couple suggestions: First, edit it for spelling and punctuation mistakes, which are a turnoff for the reader. Second, I was a little confused as to where and how all of this was happen... (more »)

If you already read the book of house of night novel,you will know about a vampire story.It's a good one.Try it.This story seem to lost something like suspens.I read a lot of fantasy novel.It always start with an ordinary story but it give us the suspens.This story seems straight=forward.But,that is my opinion.Hope you will take no offence.