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Monday, July 25, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: To Go or Not To Go

Every year our agency has a picnic in August, an hour and fifteen minute drive from our home, for adoptive families and waiting families, and it's like a big party for everyone. We have gone to other events -- the Halloween fun day at a local garden center, the Holiday party at a local firehouse, trainings offered at our local JCC. We missed the Waiting Family Ice Cream Social that I REALLY wanted to attend (to meet other waiting couples, but also to get a sense from others of how long others are waiting), but it was the same night as our homestudy update.

We've never gone to the picnic. For me, it has less to do with hanging out with a bunch of families and feeling again a bit the Little Match Girl on the outside of the glass, peering in on what a warm family life can be, and way more with the fact that potluck food situations are an unholy nightmare for me as a person with Celiac disease. I would pretty much have to pack my own lunch, because we'd be driving over an hour and it's all hamburgers and hotdogs and bring-a-dish-to-pass, and I have no idea if any of the potato or other various mayo-based salads are made with mayo that's had a bread knife dipped back into it after slathering bread, or if there's fake bacon in there instead of real bacon, and fake bacon has gluten in it more often than not. If something IS gluten free, then I have to worry if someone put a spoon from something NOT gluten free into it, or if crumbs from a hamburger bun made their way in. If I get sick, then I am facing horrible gastrointestinal distress in a park with questionable bathrooms.

Then, the socializing aspect, which is difficult for Bryce. He is a pretty social guy (or is capable of faking it very well), but these events where we don't truly know a lot of people and everyone wants to ask how long you've been waiting or if you've had profile opportunities or tell you their own story makes him uncomfortable. We probably know a fair amount of people, but it is awkward being the people without children, even though waiting parents are totally encouraged to come. It makes you feel a little on display, which was okay for the Halloween and the Christmas party, because we could stop in for an hour or so and then leave, and it was a 10-15 minute drive home. This would be closer to 2 1/2 hours round trip. A long time to talk about how uncomfortable one of us was through the whole experience, and how hungry the other one is.

Also, it's the last weekend before Bryce takes the GREs for the PhD he's already accepted into, but still has to take the test to check off a box and he is studying like a fiend because he likes to do well on everything he's up against.

I don't think we're going, but I still feel guilty saying no. Maybe it will be easier when we have a child (it still won't erase that food piece of things) but maybe it will then feel more natural to go and pack my lunch so my child can play with other children and we can commiserate with people on parenting, not on waiting to parent without any kind of due date. Until then, it just seems like the negatives outweigh the positives.

21 comments:

Two of these things would make me question going. When you hit 4 things, particularly travel and the GRE prep, my vote was to skip it. These events are meant to be supportive, not stressing. So no guilt.

I think we will skip it, and I will try my very best to not feel guilty for skipping. You're right, it's a lot of reasons to not go...and I am very confident in Bryce and the GREs! The one thing that has him worried is the time limit. He is very, very careful and takes his time and so far on the practice test he did awesome but double the time limit, so that's the practice now! (Too bad it's too late for documented need for extended time accommodations...) His first practice test had him rock the math and do quite well on the verbal. Our SAT scores were funny... if you took my verbal and his math, it would be AMAZING! But take his verbal and my math and it's abysmal. :)

My first reaction is to stay home and not go. I think I'd feel very awkward at a function like this, plus the long distance and the food itself, and the need of Bryce to feel good about having time to prepare for his test. I am an introvert... so I'd skip. :) But that's just me.

I think you should tell your guilt to hush already, because the GREs are definitely a reason to skip. Of course, if your guilt it like mine, it will ignore you. Sending good test taking juju in Bryce's direction!

Ha! I actually don't like parties all that much, especially when I know very few people, but I felt like it would be a good opportunity to get to know more people, and network...but in reality people would probably be really busy chasing after their kids and I would be hungry and Bryce would be stressed. :) And amen to summer being short and enjoying the time while it's here. Thanks!

I was allergic to peanut butter (and tree nuts) back when no one else seemed to be. The care and concern you have to take with ingredients and utensils -- I kind of get that. But I think gluten must be even harder to stay away from.

You have to do what you need to do to be happy. If going makes you happy, go. But I'm with you: Something that would cause that much stress would not make me happy. Different years call for different decisions.

We've never gone to ours - at first we didn't actually have a child since we were waiting and then after cause we never really did meet any waiting couples nor did we have any warm and fuzzies for our agency. So I know you could always pack your own lunch, I'd never go that far unless I REALLY wanted to go. And you don't, so don't feel guilty.

That picnic sounds like a torturous exercise for the waiting families! That, the long drive, the GREs, your husband's dislike of such social events (mine would hate it too), and the celiac disease mean that I wouldn't feel at all guilty not going. It's not as if you've never been to any functions, either. Sounds to me as if you get a free pass on this one!

That sounds tough for waiting families - and the celiac disease definitely makes navigating the food rough as well! I figure it makes total sense to skip for anything that makes you less than comfortable. Not even to mention the GREs, which all on their own are a big reason to not go. Take care of yourself for sure. And a huge good luck to Bryce with those GREs.

About Me

I am a married 41 year old special education teacher. I was on the path to mommyhood for seven and a half years before we made the difficult yet necessary decision to resolve our journey childfree. Our battle with PCOS and male factor infertility through 7 IUIs, 5 fresh IVF cycles (one with DS), 2 frozen transfers, and a fresh DE IVF cycle, a DE FET, a DS FET, 3 cancelled cycles, an ectopic pregnancy, an early miscarriage, and two and a half years of the adoption process ended in May 2017 with the realization that our quest for parenthood was endangering the life we have and the cost of persistence was too great to continue. It's been a long journey, and now our new reality is beginning. We look forward to the promise of our life together -- thank you for being a part of it!