Rosalie's parents are coming over to Emmett's house for christmas dinner this year. Will Emmett be able to become the perfect gentleman to impress Rose's parents in time for their visit? All Human Christmas one shot. EmXR. Co- written with aminea88

I am Emmett McCarty. My friends call me Em, Emmy, E-Met, or sometimes even Big E. My girlfriend, Rose, calls me Em; unless she wants something… then its Emmy… or if she is mad… then its 'COCK SUCKING DICKHEAD' (not that I understand how that would work…)

Anyways, it is almost my favourite day of the year…

Christmas!

Well, Christmas is my second favourite time of the year (April fools day being my first), but it is still pretty far up there. Not only do we get presents, we also get an entire two weeks off of school.

I was humming happily to myself. For the first time in my whole life, I got my Christmas shopping done early. There were still five days until Christmas and I had already got Rose a gift. I smiled to myself, thinking of the bag hiding in my closet.

The telephone rang, and I got up to go get it.

"Hello" I answered.

"Hey! Em what's up?"

"Hey Alice, nothing much, just sort of sitting around…"

"That's nice, that's nice" Alice said interrupting me, "I just thought you might want to know that your Christmas present from me will be delivered to you house soon."

"Oh really?" I said, really excited, "What is it?" I started pacing around the room quickly in excitement.

"Well I can't tell you! It's a surprise!"

"Aw, Alice that's not fair" I whined.

"To bad. I got to go to Edward's house now, see you later"

"Yeah, bye" I said, still sulking.

I hung up the phone and went to look out the window for Rose, because she usually comes over around this time. I was very disappointed with the lack of snow this year, and I hoped to have at least two feet of it. I shuffled my feet, feeling bored. I was not use to being alone in the house for so long, because I was either always at a friend's house or had the friends here. Both my parents' travel for work all the time, so they are rarely home.

Now I was hungry… and I knew I had no food.

Today was turning into a rather lousy day!

I went digging through the freezer, trying to see if there were any more freezies left when I heard the front door bang open.

In ran the love of my life with a giant bag of books in one hand, and a long stick thing in the other. She was followed by what appeared to be Jasper and some other guy carrying a huge engine.

"Emmett McCarty you sit yourself down on the couch right now!" She screamed.

I shuffled over to the couch and obediently sat down.

"Uh… Rose… is that...."

"Yes, this is your jeep engine."

I sobbed. "Why are they carrying my jeeps engine?"

"Because I need you to cooperate."

"I will… but please just give me back my baby's heart…" I sobbed some more.

"My parents are going to be coming on Christmas Eve for dinner with my boyfriend, who is a polite, well respected gentleman. "

"…You are cheating on me?"

"NO YOU IDIOT!"

"… I don't get it…"

"By Christmas Eve you are going to be transformed into a proper gentleman."

"…Uh."

"Don't give me that look you cock sucking dick head!!" she freaked, throwing one of the books at my head.

Ok, so now I know she is mad.

"Please… don't throw books at me…"

"Next time it's the engine!" She growled.

I squeaked in fear, and then shut up.

"So I got you all these books on etiquette and manners for you to read. Also, since you have to cook I got you a book on that too… It's the one I threw at you." Rose handed me the stack of books, and pointed to the one that was lying beside me on the couch.

I looked over at the stick in her hand.

"What is that stick for?"

"Motivation" She threatened, I could almost see the evil red aura radiating off her!

"You have four days to get your act together and become the gentleman my parents are expecting. If you fail to do this, I cannot say what is going to happen to your precious Jeep. Welcome to Gentleman boot camp, Rosalie Hale style." Even redder evil aura…

"Would this be a bad time to say we need more freezies?"

I dodged a swipe from her stick.

RPOV

I tapped my foot impatiently.

It has been a day now since I started training Emmett in the ways of the human male, but there have been absolutely no improvements. I thought for a while that he was reading the cookbook, but it turns out the only part he was reading was its title, (Will Cook for Sex: A Guys Guide to Cooking, by Rocky Fino).

I decided to try to see if I could teach him hands-on how to cook. This proved to be a total failure because he ended up somehow burning a pot of water, melting a spatula and nearly cutting his finger off. He also tried to make some toast, to start of with the simple stuff. I stopped him just before he put the bread in the toaster with the peanut butter already on the toast.

I had Alice, Jasper and Edward come over to try helping. They made up scenarios where he would be expected to act in a gentlemanly fashion.

"Ok Emmett, here is your first scenario." I read, "You are on a crowded bus and an old lady gets on and there are no more seats for her. What do you do?"

Alice was pretending to be the old lady, and we had a seat out that Emmett was sitting on.

"Oh my, what a crowded bus. I am not sure my poor old legs will be able to handle standing up for all this time…" Alice said, crouching over like she was having trouble walking.

Emmett stood up, "Here ma'am, you may have my seat."

"Oh what a kind young man" Alice said, sitting on the seat.

"Was that good?" Emmett asked, turning around towards me.

"Perfect!" I said, with a little shred of hope.

"How about the second scenario" Edward laughed. He beckoned Jasper over and whispered something in his ear. Jasper started to shake his head no… I wonder why.

Edward seemed to have somehow convinced Jasper to do whatever it was that he was planning. They both disappeared into a nearby room.

"What are you guys doing?" Alice called.

"Just wait out there for a second." Edward said laughing. Oh what in the world were they planning now…

About ten minutes later Edward walked out of the room.

"Scenario two" He started, "You are once again on that bus." Edward gestured for Emmett to sit back down on the "bus" seat.

"It is once again very busy, but instead of an old lady walking on the bus…" Edward turned around and started to wave at Jasper to come out of the room.

Jasper walked in, and I nearly dropped the glass I was holding, Alice was near to tears laughing, and I think Emmett is about to fall out of his chair.

Edward smiled at the response, "instead of an old lady getting on a bus, a beautiful young woman walked on."

Jasper was wearing a red tight tank-top, with what appeared to be one of Emmett's cushions shoved underneath it. He was wearing a pair of tight short- shorts and on his head was a long blond wig. It also appeared that he was wearing lipstick and eye-shadow. He was also sporting black, three inch heels that he totally could not walk on if his life depended on it.

Emmett was laughing so hard that he couldn't talk. My brother looked like he was way too embarrassed to talk. I was so taking a picture of this … what good blackmail material… I laughed and took out my camera phone.

"Oh no you don't Rose!" Jasper shouted when he noticed my phone. He ran around behind the couch, rather clumsily because of the cushion stuffed up his shirt. I laughed and ran around to get him, but he ran around the other way. I continued to chase him and he continued to get away.

What was funny was that he didn't notice Alice, Edward and Emmett pulling out their camera phones and the next thing he knew he was getting a picture from almost every angle. He turned around to freak at them and I took the opportunity to get a picture of my own.

"How does it feel Alice, to have a cross dressing boyfriend?" Emmett asked.

"Hn… It would be nice if he could do a bit better job of it." Alice teased.

"Hey!" Edward complained, "Are you making fun of the fantastic ten minute makeover I gave him?"

"Of course we are, that is the whole point of you doing it." I pointed out.

Everyone laughed in agreement, except Jasper that is, who was cowering in a corner in shame.

"Come on Jazz! Get back up here so we can finish the scenario!" Alice called.

Being the nice boyfriend-dog he was, he got up and got back on our invisible "bus".

"Oh, my… There are no seats on this bus… and my heels are absolutely killing me…" Jasper mumbled.

"Here have a seat…" Emmett said, but instead of getting up and allowing "Jaspina" to have a seat, he patted his lap.

Everyone laughed, even Jasper. He went and sat down in Emmett's lap, which made everyone laugh even more. I held my face in my hands.

"Everyone! Can we try taking this a little more seriously?" I whined.

"Oh calm down Rose." Edward said, "I am sure they will like Emmett as he is, after all, who wouldn't? He is too stupid to hate!" Everyone but me was laughing again.

"They are obsessed with the idea of a guy having to be a proper 'gentlemen'. Look at Jasper! Well right now is not a good time because he is dressed like a bad Christina Aguilera impersonator, but you know how he usually is. That is because our parents put him though these sorts of things through out his entire life!"

"Don't worry Rose! I am sure I can win them over with a few knock-knock jokes!" Emmett said enthusiastically.

I flopped down on the couch. This is a hopeless case.

"They don't like knock-knock jokes Em…" I growled.

He gasped as if I said a terrible swear word.

"… not even the one about 'boohoo'?"

"Nope."

Emmett looked like he was about to have an epileptic attack.

The next few days passed very much the same. I tried to teach him something, and he would appear to be doing fine at first, but then would screw it up terribly at the end. His kitchen was running low on plastic spatulas and spoon for him to melt. The other day, he was trying to make pasta. He got the water boiling fine until he dropped the spoon into the boiling water. Instead of getting fork or another spoon to get it out, he used his hand.

The day before Christmas Eve I gave him a list of things he was not aloud to do, and other rules that he had to follow. The list was as follows.

No knock-knock jokes.

No singing the sponge bob theme song while cooking dinner, or during any other time.

No announcing what you just did in the washroom.

No sexual innuendos.

Your feet stay on the ground. The table is for food, not your smelly flesh.

The rabbits stay outside the house.

So do their droppings.

It is generally a good idea to stay awake when trying to cook something.

No one appreciates you releasing body gases into the room.

Try not to break stuff when you laugh. In fact, try not to laugh at all. Polite smiles will work fine.

I had so many more I wanted to put down, but I knew his attention span wouldn't last further then number ten anyways. All I could do now I pray to god that some Christmas miracle would happen and my dog of a boyfriend will transform into the perfect gentleman my parents expect.

The few hours at home before I had to drive them to Emmett's house was pure torture. I was on the phone with him, trying desperately to give him last minute pointers before he embarrassed himself and me in front of my parents tonight.

I drove with my parents to Emmett's place. When we pulled into the driveway they started complimenting the house and its landscaping. That was a good sign; maybe they will be more lenient on Em because his house is really nice… I just hope he didn't leave like a pair of underwear or something lying around in the kitchen or something.

I started wishing I had Jasper call with some big emergency so they would have to leave. I started to pray for a miracle again, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up. After all, I wasn't very religious.

I rang the doorbell once. I was shocked to see that instead of having to ring four times, as usual, he opened the door just a few seconds after we rang it. Not to fast but not to slow either, perfect.

I was even more shocked to see that he was actually dressed nicely. He was wearing a black Ralph Lauren polo shirt, and a pair of nice jeans.

He greeted my mother and father by shaking their hand and introducing himself as my boyfriend. He gave me a light hug as a greeting but I was way too shocked to even respond.

He then led us to the dining room table, where I could smell something absolutely mouth watering coming from the kitchen. He sat us all down at a nicely set up table. The atmosphere was perfect to. With the way he decorated the place and the way he talked and dressed.

Was this really a miracle? I should start going to church more often.

I sat down at the table, across from my mom and dad. Emmett's seat was next to mine.

"Sorry, dinner will be there in just a moment…" Emmett called from the kitchen.

"Thank you very much. I hope it tastes as good as it smells." Emmett said.

"I am sure it does."

Emmett's open personality was still evident though, but in a less rude way then usual. Instead of feeling awkward talking to him, parents were having a conversation with him as if they knew him for years. My parents were telling him about some embarrassing little kid moments of mine, and Emmett laughed politely

Emmett went back into the kitchen to check the food. It seemed it was ready because he returned with a huge roast. He had to go back and forth from the kitchen to the table a few times. The dinner was slow-cooked roast with seasoned potatoes and some vegetables with cheese sauce on them. He also offered both my mom and dad wine.

I just knew that something this good couldn't last forever.

As he was pouring my mother a glass of red wine, he suddenly dropped the glass. The wine he was pouring was spilling out of the bottle and all over the table cloth and my mom's seven hundred dollar coat.

He was staring out the window, which faced the back yard, in complete and utter awe.

My mother was shouting something, and my father was up trying to help my mom with her coat. All the noise they were making was silenced by Emmett's shriek.

"MY BOUNCY CASTLE!" Emmett dropped the bottle, ran over to the window, opened it as wide as it would go, and jumped outside.

I was thinking of which form of suicide would be most appropriate for this situation.

I looked outside. Emmett was running at top speed towards a huge inflatable bouncy castle that somehow appeared on his yard. That's when I remembered…

Alice, she got him a fricken bouncy castle for Christmas, and it had to arrive right now.

Emmett threw off his shoes as he ran towards the castle and dived right into the entrance. The bouncy castle gave a huge shudder because of Emmett's weight. I could see the castle give even more monstrous trembles because, I assume, Emmett was bouncing on it.

Suddenly there was a 'pop' and the thing caved in. The stupid big oaf went and popped it!

I ran outside to make sure he was alright. It would be just like him to get stuck in his stupid bouncy castle and suffocate to death. Just when I got to where I guess the opening was, the stupid idiot poked his head out like a mouse checking to see if the coast was clear before running out of his hole in the wall.

We simply stood staring at each other for like thirty seconds.

"Uhh… Rose… uhh…"

"Get inside."

"I'm sor – "

"GET INSIDE" I yelled.

He struggled to get out of the opening. I helped him a bit when he got stuck. I followed him back inside the house.

I wish I could just go home now, so I wouldn't have to see my parents' reactions to this whole thing, well not right away at least. Emmett and I walked through his front door and I saw a sight that I have never seen before in my entire 17 years of living.

Both my parents were on the floor, laughing their guts out.

How many more surprises could hit me in the face in one day?

Emmett was standing behind me, looking terrified. He must be very confused; after all, he was expecting to get like… beaten. (Not that that's not a future possibility).

My mom stood up first, being slowed down by bursts of laughter that would escape her attempts at self control. It was a good minute or two before both my parents were sitting normally again.

Emmett and I just stood their waiting for one of them to say something.

"Well… that sure was interesting…" My mom said.

"… Aren't you mad?" I asked, bewildered.

"Normally I would be absolutely furious, but that was the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I don't think it's too possible to be mad after seeing something like that."

Was Emmett actually embarrassed for the stupid thing he just did? Oh my, tonight is certainly full of firsts isn't it?

"Uh… I am so sorry about the jacket…" Emmett mumbled.

"Yes, you defiantly owe me a new coat." My mom agreed.

"But that doesn't mean you are off the hook son." My dad scolded him. "I expect you to work on… your behaviour if you want to continue your relationship with my daughter. Or at least hide the fact you are getting Jasper to cook your meals for you better." My dad joked.

Emmett started to laugh, "How did you know?"

"I know my son's cooking when I see it, after all I taught him myself." He explained.

"Ok then, I will remember to have Edward help me next time."

"I knew you couldn't cook…" I mumbled.

"Nope," Emmett said.

"Well you will learn, I'm signing you up for cooking classes."

"Rose…." Emmett started to complain.

"Don't 'Rose' me; it is about time you learned to cool at least without your friends' constant guidance. Even then you mess up constantly."

"Well," my mom said, "I think it's about time for your dad and I to get back home. Are you coming home with us Jasper?" My mom called out.

My brother poked his head out of the kitchen.

"Uh… sure." He said sheepishly at being found out.

"Is it safe to assume that you are staying here the night Rose?" My mom asked.

"It is safe to assume that." I smiled.

I could see from the corner of my eye my father giving Emmett the most evil death glare ever.

. . . . .

After saying goodbye to my mom and dad, Emmett and I walked into the living room and we sat on the couch.

"I can't believe you got my brother to do the cooking."

"… Well what was I supposed to do? Cook it myself?"

"Well I guess you are right, you would have poisoned us all for sure."

We both laughed, "You know I am still mad at your right. You were supposed to be a perfect gentleman" I said.

"I came pretty close didn't I?"

"Until you decided that the bouncy castle of yours was more important then impressing my mom and dad."

"They didn't seem to mind though."

"Yeah… that was a shocker for sure."

I leaned my head on his shoulder. I don't know how long we spent just sitting like that, but before long Emmett looked up at the clock and said.

"Merry Christmas! It's past 12:00!"

I looked up at the clock, he was right.

"Merry Christmas, you big idiot." I said, smiling.

"Well, this big idiot has a little something for you… if you will let him run into his closet for a moment."

"Oh well if he insists…"

Emmett smiled at me, got off the couch and headed upstairs. In about three minutes he was back downstairs with a little bag in his hand.

"Merry Christmas Rose," He said handing me the bag.

I looked at it for a moment before taking it. He eagerly gestured for me to unwrap it.

The bag was black and tiny, with red tissue paper poking out of it. I took out the red tissue paper and inside was two boxes. I took the first box and opened it.

Inside was a beautiful heart shaped pendant with pink sapphires and brilliant diamonds

"Oh my god Emmett…" I gasped.

"May I?" He asked.

I laughed, "I guess my gentlemen boot camp did teach you something." I said and gave him the necklace. He helped me put it on.

"Oh my god Emmett is this a Tiffany's…"

"Maybe" He said with a smile and a shrug.

I held it in my hand to get a better look at it. It was beautiful.

"Emmett, you have no idea how thankful I am…"

"Don't thank me until you open up the other one to!"

I laughed and gingerly took the other box.

I opened it, inside was a pink sapphire and diamond ring that matched the necklace. The beautiful gems circled around the entire ring. I slipped it on my finger, perfect fit.

"I hoped," Emmett said, "That that ring you have will reserve a spot on your finger for another ring that I hope to place on your finger in a few years time."

I blushed deep red, which was not something I did very often. Tears of happiness ran down my face, and I tried to stop them with my hand.

"How poetic, I know you got someone else to come up with that line Emmett" I laughed.

"Even so," Emmett admitted, "I mean every word of it."

I threw my arms around his neck, wrapped my legs around his waist and pressed my mouth to his. It wasn't until we had fallen onto the couch that I pushed myself off him.

"What's the matter?" Emmett said, sulking.

"Don't think I have forgotten the total mess you turned tonight's dinner into." I scolded with a smile.

I hope you all enjoyed that. I had fun reading it and helping aminea88 come up with ideas.

There is a link to the necklace and ring on my profile. They are both so gorgeous.

This is also a bonus chapter to a story that aminea88 and I are writing together called 'Technically In Love'! Please go check it out! It's an awesome story and everyone seems to love reading it as much as we love to write it.

Hopefully we'll here from you soon!

Thanks,

Alyssa.

The author would like to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.