Creating Communities Centered on Marriage

Last of a Two-Part Series on Protecting the Institution of Marriage

When a baptized couple gets married, they assume a common commitment: to help one another to become saints. That is the goal of Christian life, given at baptism — and solidified in a particular way in the sacrament of matrimony.

In this sense, spouses must develop a concrete spirituality, one through which they can relate to God and invite him to be a fundamental part of their marital relationship. Tertullian says in his Letter to the Bride that Christian marriage "is truly two in one flesh, and where the flesh is one, one is the spirit. Together they pray, prostrate and fast, each pointing to, supporting and honoring the other."

Catholics have some of the most beautiful writings on marriage in existence, but they aren’t always accessible in ways the faithful can use them to fortify their own marriages, let alone marriages around them.

The following are intended to be some practical tools to aid in creating marriage-centered communities:

Power of Parish Priests

In a recent survey, "What Catholic Women Think About Faith, Conscience and Contraception," 72% of women reported that homilies given by the priest during Sunday Mass are their main source of knowledge about the faith. However, only 15% reported fully accepting Church teachings on contraception. These findings underscore two realities: the tremendous power of the priest to influence Catholics from every walk of life and the necessity of careful study and adherence to the magisterium of the Church by parish priests. This is perhaps most urgent regarding matters of sexuality, about which the faithful need (and long) to hear straightforward, practical advice on how to live out their Catholic faith.

The vocation to the priesthood, after all, is not unrelated to that of married life. Priests have a vested interest in educating the faithful not only on the beauty of marriage and the sacredness of marital intimacy, but also on the destruction that comes from the abandonment of one’s wedding vows and from living together outside those vows. Priests have seen this destruction firsthand in their parishes. They can speak to the devastation caused by spousal abandonment and cohabitation with authority and credibility.

Father Puigbó currently gets an average of five to six phone calls a week from spouses asking for help for their marriages, and he is not alone.

Every Sunday, parish priests have a new opportunity to address in prudent yet plainspoken ways the threats to marriage today: pornography, cohabitation, the "hook-up" culture that characterizes many of our high schools and colleges, unchecked social media and workplace friendships with those of the opposite gender, an inability to communicate, lack of commitment, etc.

These issues can no longer be relegated to "marriage therapists" — the need is too vast and the risk of ill-informed advice too great.

Father Puigbó celebrated 39 marriages in our parish last year. Only one of those couples was not cohabiting. When asked why they wanted to get married in the Church, the majority responded, "Because we want to do things the right way." It didn’t matter whether they lived together for five months or for 20 years — they all had the same answer.

Cohabiting couples, engaged couples, married couples and some percentage of singles in the pews are ready and waiting to hear the unadorned truth from their spiritual shepherds about what it means to get married and what it takes to stay married.

Public Prayer

Catholics pray for so many important and necessary things in the Mass — for an end to abortion, for our military families, for peace in the world, for the poor and the sick.

But very rarely do we pray for faithful and permanent marriages.

Rarely do we hear prayers for an end to what Pope John Paul II called the "scourge of divorce."

When we pray the Prayers of the Faithful, we show our belief in the power of intercessory prayer. We also show where our values lie as a Church. What if we began to pray publicly and consistently for faithfulness in marriages and an end to spousal abandonment? Imagine the impact it might have on both individual marriages and on our culture’s perception of marriage over time.

Private Prayer

The permanent union of man and woman is vulnerable to a vast array of temptations, which is one reason Christ raised it to a sacrament. The sacrament gives spouses the necessary grace to achieve the fidelity they promised to each other on their wedding day. Widespread, serious struggles in marriage are bound to occur in a society where traditional values are on the decline, "conservative" political leaders carry on with their mistresses without consequence to their careers and a radical individualism justifies the disordered desires of man.

This is why spouses must pray together. To live out their vow of fidelity, they must let God into their lives and entrust themselves continuously to him. They must always be honest with each other and utilize the sacraments, especially confession and the Eucharist.

There are practical, concrete ways to build a spiritual fortress of protection around a marriage: to make the Sign of the Cross on each other’s foreheads when waking up and before going to sleep; to pray aloud to God for the needs of their marriage and for their children; to practice lectio divina with scriptural texts that refer to marriage; to teach children to pray for their parents and for all the marriages in the world; and to make sacrifices as a family for marriages.

Pornography’s Threat

If there is one threat to marriage that stands out among many today, it is this one. For this reason, pornography use should be addressed explicitly and regularly at the parish level. An addiction to pornography, when unchecked (and particularly when begun in adolescence), is enough to overpower all the faith, goodwill and hard work either spouse brings to a marriage.

Pornography use increases the risk of separation and divorce. It glamorizes casual, perverse sex and increases the risk of infidelity. It decreases the desire for normal, healthy sex: Married men who use porn feel less satisfied with sex with their wives and feel less emotional attachment to them.

Pornography use causes marital discord: People who report being happy in their marriages are much less likely to report using porn than those who are unhappy. Women report that they see their husbands’ regular use of porn as a form of infidelity, which causes them to feel depressed and betrayed.

Pornography use discourages the formation of normal values regarding intimate relationships: Young men who use pornography regularly view sex before marriage, casual sex and extramarital sex as acceptable. They also have a higher number of sexual partners over their lifetime.

Regular viewers of pornography are more likely to view premarital courtship as unnecessary and deviant sexual practices and promiscuous behavior (e.g., masturbation, multiple partners) as more commonly occurring than they really are. (For a complete reference list of the above findings, contact the authors at: harrymacs@verizon.net.)

The good news is that if you, your spouse or someone you care about is addicted to pornography, there is hope.

But there are many couples today who are geographically and socially isolated. They live far from family (or are estranged from them) and are unconnected in their parishes. Some are adult children of divorce and are, therefore, at higher risk of divorce themselves.

When one or both spouses experience struggles in their marriage, their perception may be that they are alone and that the best option is to end the marriage. Where immediate and extended family might have reassured such couples of their normalcy and provided support to improve and sustain the marriage in the past, all too often, the availability of a mentor is lacking for such couples today.

In a recent Pew Research Center survey, 52% of young adults said that being a good parent is "one of the most important things" in life. Just 30% said the same about having a successful marriage. What these young adults need but are lacking is context: a realistic expectation of marriage and family life through the example of mature, committed married couples. They need to see with their own eyes that the best gift one can give his or her children isn’t a great athletic ability, a laptop or the latest XBox or iPhone. And it certainly isn’t an attempt at good "co-parenting" following a divorce. It is the gift of a permanent, faithful marriage.

Further, our young people need to hear that marriage is not simply a response to the need to satisfy sexual-emotional desires, nor is it an "out" for those who do not want to remain single. A couple should not marry just because they want to have children. Marriage is a commitment without conditions that encompasses all of the above and does not exclude the fundamental: the sanctification of the spouses.

This is where marriage mentoring comes in. The idea is that more experienced, mature couples make themselves available to couples who are struggling. Everyone benefits — parish priests who are overwhelmed with struggling couples, couples in need and mentor couples whose own marriages are strengthened as a result of helping others. Even the children of both sets of couples benefit, as they see firsthand the real work involved in keeping a marriage healthy and strong.

This is "marriage prep" in its most natural and effective form. At our parish in northern Virginia, All Saints Catholic Church, we are building a marriage-mentoring program based on Greg and Julie Alexander’s very successful Covenant of Love ministry. Consider approaching your pastor about the possibility of starting one in your parish.

The time is right to act decisively to strengthen and protect marriages. Let’s work toward a day when Catholic communities around the country, including clergy and an army of strong, committed married couples, form a safety net for marriages that so desperately need our support.

Comments

How do we combat the barrage of images of same sex couples kissing, holding hands, hugging, proclaiming marriage vows and getting congratulated by politicians? Whether flicking t.v. channels, browsing magazine racks, going to the movies, etc. etc.the slogans and images and well-calculated public displays of romantic affection by same sex couples are inescapable! Children, teens and adults alike cannot escape this shameless “in-your-face” assault on them by same-sex marriage proponents and “out of the closet” gays at large. They seem to be everywhere! It might have started before Madonna kissed another woman on national T.V. But ever since Obama and the Clintons and other politicians put their stamp of approval on gay marriages, we cannot escape getting bombarded by the gay culture. Even Catholics in the pews are so de-sensitized, they are now indifferent to the whole same-sex marriage idea. Fewer and fewer people continue to be horrified or are even opposed to this aberration. They cannot see the devastating effect this is having and will continue to have on society and on religious freedom. They don’t see the connection! Even if the same-sex marriages in the U.S. are a small minority, the culture at large doesn’t seem to reflect this. Is opposition to gay marriage a lost cause? What is to become of the human race??? Are we headed towards extinction??

Posted by Therese on Monday, Jul 29, 2013 7:35 AM (EST):

Just about a week ago,our priest emphasized the importance of spouses praying together!As well as families.He issued a challenge that all families say grace together at home and in public,like in resturants.How can a state be voted {The most non -religous in the country]and have a priest that say such things.Sometimes i wonder if they in these pew studies poll the priests or just the parishoners!

Posted by Amy Glasscock on Monday, Jul 22, 2013 11:08 AM (EST):

Marriage is hard, even under the best of circumstances, I have found after 32 years of marriage to a great husband. Let’s work together in our parishes to encourage each other in our different vocations and bring about the Gospel of Life. Our state in life is how we will get ourselves and others to heaven. Of course, we all need to lean on Jesus, or we won’t make it. I hear your disappointment, and let us stop complaining and blaming. Priests, married people and single adults can all do more to encourage each other. Children need more adults who are well grounded in the truth and understand and live their roles well. Then, we can show them something better than the culture of death.

Posted by Pablito on Sunday, Jul 21, 2013 11:44 PM (EST):

@Michael: It should be evident that the shortage of priests, financial resources, and a lack of laity who can serve all of the Faithful’s spiritual/Christian-living needs, means that much does not get done. So, the average parishioner mostly hears just talk and pontificating editorials that gets little accomplished. Parishioners will get their needs filled elsewhere, I guess.

Posted by Peter on Sunday, Jul 21, 2013 11:15 PM (EST):

@Michael:

That’s right. Catholics talk a great game about marriage, but Catholic parishes are a disaster zone for anyone over 40 who wants to get married, whether divorced/annulled or never-married, as in my case.

There is all this talk about marriage, but complete disregard for people who aren’t already married.

Posted by Michael on Sunday, Jul 21, 2013 6:11 PM (EST):

Great! I’m all for marriage, but where are the suitable Catholic women for those of us in our early 40s who have been divorced/annulled and want to have a family?

As a new Catholic, I find that Catholics seem very concerned about marriage, but there are so few practicing Catholic women available and parishes don’t seem interested in helping put Catholic singles together.

Posted by louisa levine on Wednesday, Jul 17, 2013 7:10 PM (EST):

My husband and I were married for 31 years; we were both in love with each other and with the truths of the Catholic faith, yes, we read Humanae Vitae and understood and followed its wisdom. We have four children, we were a close family, jealously guarding raising the family with Catholic values, devotions, surrounded by other like-minded catholic families. After our son Paul died at the age 23 in a motorcycle accident and I said ‘no’ so sexual relations (for that time being) my husband got involved with a friend of the family, had an affair with her and told her he was going to divorce me, get an annulment and marry her in the Church. It’s six years now, he did divorce me and got his annulment from the Allentown Diocese. All it took them was four-five months to decide that we had no marriage.
All of you women like me, whose husbands left after a life of marriage and children and were able to get annulments from the various diocesan marriage tribunals, only you know the agony, the hell, the nightmare of such betrayal, rejection, abandonment;
I did come to forgive my husband, from the heart, truly a grace from God, and was hoping that maybe he would come to ‘see’ (like St.Paul, or like the Prodigal Son) and repent, and come back. I have had my own ‘recovery’ and healing, and grown in the faith through hardship and suffering (I had my own dysfunctional behaviors and faults before). But now my husband is planning to marry yet someone else,(the first one didn’t ‘work out’), convinced that the annulment gives him the ticket to have a better marriage this time around.
Yet, my faith being stronger and my understanding more clear I trust that God will make all things new, in spite of what people plan.

Posted by Karl on Wednesday, Jul 17, 2013 3:29 PM (EST):

All of this is MEANINGLESS unless the Catholic Church does an abrupt about face regarding the allure of nullity and excommunicates all spouses who wrongly abandon their marriages!

The Pope must Go! He must be replaced with a pro-marriage man with the guts to act to face what is going on.

Posted by Lin on Monday, Jul 15, 2013 4:59 PM (EST):

@JP…........WOW! I agree with you. We need to create Catholic communities for married and singles.

Posted by Nicole H on Monday, Jul 15, 2013 3:03 PM (EST):

Yes yes yes!!
I have been screaming this for years! My husband made so terrible choices. I have stuck by him as everyone around me has called me a fool for not leaving! For years I have been crying for support! It is not there, even in my so called catholic circle. Those my age in the church don’t feel, or beleive in marriage the way we as Catholics do! I have longed for a group to talk with, to support me! Now I am trying to find a way to help others who are like me, like my family looking for help, support and others willing to show the path to really living through the difficult, sometimes UNTHINKABLE bad times. I have no idea where to go or how to reach out, but I know after 4 years of fighting for our marriage and family, my husband and I are stronger than ever, and we have a lot to offer anyone looking for a light in their marital darkness!

So YesYes Yes! We need to refocus on Marriages! Real marriages, marriages that work,and marriages that are sinking, and the sooner the better!

Posted by JP on Monday, Jul 15, 2013 1:08 PM (EST):

It’s all wonderful to have a marriage mission, but let’s not an important fact in this article. Thirty-eight out of thirty-nine couples married were co-habiting before the wedding.

What about all the single Catholics who are NOT co-habiting, NOT contracepting, and above all NOT engaging in premarital sex? We’re locked out and left in the cold, that’s what. It’s incredibly hard to get married in this society while following these groundrules and remaining faithful to the Church (and one’s own integrity, for that matter). It is also terribly discouraging and frustrating to see that of those who do get married, the vast majority, if not nearly all of them, get married by flouting Church rules. (We will set the quality and permanence of those marriages aside for just a moment.)

We should offer charity and forgiveness to those who have strayed. But why does the Church do so little, in fact practically nothing, to create a real-life community in which faithful singles CAN get married?

The Evangelicals, with their megachurches, are way ahead of us on this.

Posted by Jeff on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 9:43 PM (EST):

Is it possible to provide a link to part 1 of the series?

Posted by Marie on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 9:08 PM (EST):

There should be something in this article about marriage and eternal salvation/damnation. Breaking vows, to begin with, is a mortal sin. Refusing conjugal relations without a very good reason is a mortal sin.

The moral law of the Church is clear and ordered. People need that in their lives. Yes/No. Heaven/Hell.

Posted by Lin on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 6:01 PM (EST):

Our parish is thirsting for a Catholic sermon. Our new pastor is lamenting the good old days. He is lost in the spirit of Vatican II and progressive Protestant theology. Thank God he is close to retirement! Pray for our shepards!

Posted by Pablito on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 5:04 PM (EST):

The statistics about the extremely low acceptance of Church teachings and the basic inability of priests to convince the folks in the pews that Church doctrines are correct.

Now, is it possible that one can go to mass for forty years and not hear a homily on marriage? Must be! Sounds tragic; what was the priest(s) talking about all that time. Apparently rearranging the deck chairs.

And, the teaching on marriage was made clear in the 1968 encyclical: Humanae Vitae. Apparently, very few read it in its entirety.

Posted by Robert A.Rowland on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 4:22 PM (EST):

My wife Lori and were married for almost 59 years before I lost her. We never let a day end without a big hug and being thankful that we still had each other. It is a consoling thought to know that the wonders for those who love God she can now see, even though they are still hidden from me.

Posted by Mary K. Zayachek on Sunday, Jul 14, 2013 11:41 AM (EST):

My husband and I were married 40 years before he died. We considered ourselves to be practicing catholics, attending Mass every Sunday. In all those years I can say we/I never once heard any homily addressing marriage. This is outstanding! I wish we could’ve heard this on a Sunday when we were at Mass. Bless you.

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