Dating Advice #147 - Confronting the Fear

Is a brief encounter with childhood abandonment holding him back from a total relationship?

I think I might have a problem. When I was age 6, my parents separated for a while. It wasn't too traumatic of an experience, at least then it wasn't, and my parents have since gotten back together.

However, I am now 20 and think I might have some fear of abandonment. I often find myself being unable to trust other people, both male and female, for fear of rejection. There is also a history of mental illness in my family, and I'm not sure if I should be concerned about it or not.

I have a great family life in general. Please let me know whether my concerns are legitimate.

Doug

Dear Doug,

You are very astute to pick up on something that may be a problem for you in terms of both friendships and dating. A fear, such as that of abandonment, can be triggered by any event in a person's past, even something that seems innocuous, and even if the situation that triggered the event was later resolved in a satisfactory manner.

So the fact that you parents got back together after they separated, and that your family life has since been good, doesn't change the fact that the separation occurred in the first place and that you worry that something like it might happen again. This translates to your adult relationships with friends and dates in that even though something starts out well, you worry that at some point down the road the other person will end it or do something to betray your trust.

If you don't address this fear and learn how to deal with it, it can cripple your ability to form and maintain friendships and relationships, especially one that will lead to marriage. Fortunately, you have taken the first step toward conquering your fear of abandonment by acknowledging that it exists and arriving at an understanding about its origins.

The next step is learning how to deal with your fear and to minimize its affect on your life. Virtually all the self-help exercises that we suggest involve taking some quiet, private time, doing a lot of thinking, writing down one's ideas, and reading through them afterward. Writing can be very cathartic. In addition, seeing one's thoughts in writing, even in the form of a stream-of-consciousness, provides something concrete to refer to -- now and in the future.

So take some private time and write down your thoughts about your fears, including your worst ones. For example, you could write, "Betrayal. I am afraid that if I confide in someone, he will laugh at me." Then, review each fear individually and write down what you think is the worst thing that could arise from each of these fears. For example, you could write, "I will be embarrassed and feel foolish if he laughs at me. It will be even worse if he laughs at me in public, or shares what I have said with other people who will also laugh at me. I don't want people to make fun of me."

The next step is to think of different ways you can deal with each unpleasant situation, and write them down. It's a good idea to look at how you might react to such a situation immediately after it happens, and how you could do so over an ensuing period of time. For example, "At first, I will feel embarrassed, maybe even humiliated. I will also feel hurt and angry toward my so-called friend for betraying me in such a terrible way. I may stop speaking to him or, even better, after I have calmed down I may confront him to find out why he ridiculed me. He may have reacted this way because he didn't know how to react to what I told him, or he is incapable of empathizing with another person, or he could just be mean-spirited. I won't know until after I talk to him, and then I'll decide how to relate to him in the future. I realize that my embarrassment and hurt will lessen over time. It will be difficult to face the fact that other people know some confidential information about me, but most of them will forget about it in a few days."

Many people find that once they go through this exercise of identifying their fears and figuring out how to best react to them, they are no longer as fearful -- because they realize that every worst-case scenario has a resolution.

Sometimes, when Rosie works with a fearful client, she encourages them to save their notes from this first exercise and to add to them in the form of an ongoing journal. Whenever they are fearful in the future, they make a journal entry that describes what they are afraid of, how it makes them feel, and how they address the fear (both in ways that are beneficial and ways that are not helpful). She recommends that they read through their notes from time to time, to see how their thought processes are changing. Their fears generally become less frightening as they become more confident in their ability to deal with them.

Although we've suggested one method to address your fear, many people find this too difficult or painful to accomplish without guidance. If that is the case, we strongly recommend that you consult with a licensed mental health professional who can guide you through the process of addressing and overcoming your fear. It is definitely worth the investment in time and money. Moreover, addressing this fear at your young age will help you throughout your adult life. The fact that you are aware of this issue now is a blessing -- we have worked with so many people in their 30s and 40s who have missed out on some of life's greatest joys because they either cannot see, or will not admit, that they are handicapped by a fear.

Your letter also noted that you have a family history of mental illness and are worried about how this might affect you in the future. Yes, there is a genetic component to some mental illness, but others are triggered by events or environment, and others develop as a result of a combination of genetics and environment. Many forms of mental illness can be successfully treated, and people with those illnesses lead happy, productive lives and have good marriages.

If you are concerned, we suggest that you find out whatever details of your relative's diagnosis and treatment that you can, and discuss your concerns with a competent therapist or a psychiatrist.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
dd,
February 18, 2005 12:00 AM

trusting

It is a hard thing to let go of memories or hardships that affect you so deeply! But what happen toyour parents, did not happen to you, and if you are careful will not happen to you.
Do not place yourself in a box by being overshadowed by the past. You must let go and go on. Rejections are never easy, i understand it well. It shouldnot stand in your way! You will not get rejected everytime;in fact if you step out in faith, it might suprise you that you may not get rejected at all. There is nothign you can do about what happened, just take your time, make sure you know what you want and try your best. That is all you can do and it is the best you can.

(3)
Anonymous,
February 15, 2004 12:00 AM

why always blame the divorce or seperation?

Having come from a divorced family I always marvel at how most people assume that the divorce has somehow affected my mental health in some negative way and that having one's parents seperate will somehow inevitabley result in some major problem.
I'm sure that this young man has some abandonement issues... What 20 year old who is normal doesn't?! We live in our parents home for 18 years, then one day we leave for college and rarely see our parents for more than a week or two here and there. When we get lonely or sick there is no one to give us a hug or make us a bowl of soup... SO we feel lonely and abandoned and sometimes cling to others around us for an approximation of that comfort. When we feel that they are not invested or that they are not a good subsitute we may feel abandoned.
Well, it passes.... because after a few years you get used to living on your own... and get to the point where you prefer it to living at home.
To blame it on divorce, seperation or a less than perfect set of parents is just ridiculous. Yes, in some cases parents can really screw up their kids... But we can't always expect to feel happy and fulfilled every moment of our lives and if being away from our parents as we enter true adulthood makes us feel lonely it may be because home was so warm and comforting and our parents such good caretakers. But for our own health we must wean ourselves off of their constant care lest we stay dependent children who cannot cope with life forever.
This young man sounds a wee bit neurotic and instead of looking for reasons as to why he is unhappy focus on why he should be happy with his life because if hte only bad thing in his life that he can point to is a temporary seperation preceded by and followed by a happy and well adjusted life then he's doing better than 99 percent of people out there.
Just a tip, go out and do something that makes you feel good like volunteering, ballroom dancing, excercise or just hanging out with friends. If you still feel unhappy and as if people leave you then seek professional help because either you may be expecting too much and are too clingy or they are leaving you and its the result of your behavior or the sort of people you choose to surround yourself with.
Good Luck, and focus on what you need to do instead of who/what to blame it on.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Your reassurance is as good as your advice

Your advice and reassurance to this young person was very sound. Thanks for the acknowledgement that events or environment can cause can cause mental illness (mood alterations, coping dysfunction).

(1)
Bonnie,
January 18, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you for the validation

Some people might shrug off the experience of this young man and wonder why he would even think a past experience would bother him. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, trying to understand past behaviors or interpretations of events and asking: why? did this affect me? how? It is amazing the stories and events that can be remembered in a crippling way--even if it was never intended to be that way. We all have them and being provided a way to understand them, is freedom, indeed. Your combined wisdom and knowledge are wonderful.

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I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to do the right thing and proceed in an authentic way.

The process of conversion is challenging and involves a process of a year or two. This benefits the person converting, to ensure he fully appreciates the responsibilities he is taking on.

According to the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch), a valid conversion replicates the experience at Mount Sinai of 3,300 years ago, when the Jewish nation accepted the Torah. For your friend to convert, she must:

believe that Judaism is the true religion, not just accept it by default

study what it says in the Torah

commit to observe all the Torah's commandments

Further, a conversion must be motivated for the sincere purpose of getting close to God and His Torah, not for ulterior motives. Thus, your friend would have to embrace Judaism and the Torah for its own sake, not in order to marry you. She should have the exact same desire to convert even with you entirely out of the picture.

If your friend studies Judaism and feels it is right for her, she would then approach an Orthodox conversion court and explain her situation. The court would then decide if it feels she is a sincere candidate for conversion. If yes, she would begin the lengthy process of studying and practicing to become a true convert.

Of course, to have a successful relationship, you will also need a high level of appreciation and commitment to Judaism. Perhaps you could begin your own study program to discover how Torah values enhance our lives and form the bedrock of civilization.

You should endeavor to live near a Jewish community which has adult education programs, rabbis you can consult with, Shabbat hospitality programs, etc.

In 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), Moses completed his farewell address to the Jewish people, and God informed Moses that the day of his death was approaching (Deut. 31:14). Amazingly, the anniversary of Moses' completing his teaching coincides with the date in 1482 of the first printing of the standard format used for Jewish Bibles today: vowel signs, accents, translation (Targum), and Rashi commentary.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Solomon] was wiser than all men (I Kings 5:11), even wiser than fools (Midrash).

What does the Midrash mean by "wiser than fools"?

A man of means was once a Sabbath guest at the home of the Chofetz Chaim. He insisted upon paying the sage in advance for the Sabbath meals - an insulting demand. To everyone's surprise, the Chofetz Chaim accepted the money.

After the Sabbath the Chofetz Chaim forced the guest to take the money back. He explained, "Had I refused to accept the money before the Sabbath, the thought that he was imposing upon me might have distracted from the man's enjoying the spirit of the Sabbath. Although it was foolish of him to feel this way, I wished to put his mind at rest."

Not everyone thinks wisely all the time. Some people have foolish ideas. Yet if we oppose them, they may feel they have been wronged. Insisting on the logic of our own thinking may not convince them in the least. In such instances, it may require great wisdom to avoid offending someone, yet not submitting to his folly.

By accepting his guest's money, knowing that he would return it to him after the Sabbath, the Chofetz Chaim wisely accommodated this man's whim without compromising on his own principles.

A wise person may be convinced by a logical argument, but outsmarting a fool truly requires genius.

Today I shall...

try to avoid offending people whom I feel to be in the wrong, without in any way compromising myself.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...