Emma Stone may have been an energetic Academy Award presenter. She may have been a credulous presenter. She may even have been a murderous presenter. She was most definitely not, however, a drunken presenter, a rumor she once again debunked for the fine inquisitors at W.

Some of you octogenarian readers who still believe in the glamor of Hollywood and faithfully tune into the Academy Awards presentation every year may have noticed that Emma Stone presented the visual effects award alongside grisled showbiz vet Ben Stiller. The sketch they worked out called for Stiller to bring out a real chimp (which is terrifying, since we all know that the higher apes deeply resent us), and for Stone to say something along the lines, "Gosh golly gee willikers, Mr Stiller! Can you believe what these sons of guns in the visual effects department can do nowadays, shuckamuck?" They abandoned that plan, however, because the Academy still likes to pretend that the dispensing of statuettes has something to do with merit:

But apparently, you can't make the Oscar presentation about a particular movie or else the audience thinks you're swaying the vote toward that movie. So instead, we pretended that Ben had been to the Oscars many times and I was this really overly enthusiastic Oscar presenter. I was very excited, and he was not.

The bit was so convincing, Stone explained, that some people thought she had been pounding beers before she went onstage:

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Though a lot of people thought it was something else: When I came offstage, they were saying, "You were so drunk!" And I wasn't. Not until after…

Ellipsis, drop the mic — Emma Stone not only managed to boast very tastefully about her acting skills, but she also alluded to how wasted she got after her presenting duties had been fulfilled. They really ought to start televising the after party instead of the ceremony, and instead of presenters just telling us who won what, we can judge winners and losers solely by how exuberantly or depressingly drunk celebrities get at the party.