Thursday, July 8, 2010

Toronto Council Bans Everyone Everywhere Who Has Ever Had An Independent Thought

Newsflash: failed-mayoral candidate Georgio Mammoliti and creepy-mayoral candidate Rob Ford took a break from swatting each other Three Stooges style to put forward a jointly sponsored motion to protect the citizens of Toronto from Free Thought.

"It is obvious that there are a lot of scumbags, probably unemployed bums and thrill-seekers, who are running around threatening our way of life with radical ideas," said Ford, while he plucked the wings off of pigeons to demonstrate his commitment to a clean city.

"AAaaaaaaaaah!," Georgio Mammoliti added. "Want make Toronto people think! Must be crushed."

The idea for the motion came to the two city councillors after reading a news story that revealed both Dustin Hoffman and Meg Ryan had backed out of attending an Israeli film festival after Israeli commandos were forced to kill several unarmed passengers on a Gaza aid flotilla in international waters. Israel was ruthlessly and unfairly singled out for responsibility in the deaths of the 9 Turkish nationals as though it were their fault.

"People die all the time," said an Israeli spokesperson. "Why are the media only talking about people we killed? Why is nobody talking about heart attacks and strokes? They kill a lot more people - almost all of them unarmed civilians."

"Ireland is banned," said Ford. "All of 'em. Have you seen that country? It's filled with goddamn redheads. And you know what red is - it's the colour of communism. We're better off without 'em."

New Pentagon Supremo David Petraeus is also being proposed to be on the banned list for criticizing Israel. So too did vice-president Joe Biden who told Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu that Israel's actions were costing America lives in the Middle East.

"What you're doing here undermines the security of our troops who are fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. That endangers us and it endangers regional peace," he said.
British journalist Jonathan Freedland, who writes for the Guardian, is also on the list for penning an article that pointed out that Israel's friends increasingly also think that they are nutso, including several high profile people in the American foreign policy establishment like Anthony Cordesman - not to mention the relatively new Jewish organization J Street, which is critical of the crazier aspects of Israeli policy.
"These people are scumbags," Ford re-iterated. "Ban 'em. Ban 'em all."
"AAaaaaaah," Mammoliti reiterated.
According to the two councillors they have lined up what will likely be a unanimous vote. One "progressive" councillor who declined to be named told redbedhead that "we'd like to oppose this but we're afraid that we'll be banned too. Or worse, voters might notice we exist and you know what that means - people might have a reason to vote against us. Then what the hell would I do?"