The Only Christmas Carols That Are Any Good, A Definitive and Absolute List, Fight Me

I love Christmas carols. HOWEVER: I do NOT love what most of the idiot world considers to be a Christmas carol. Songs about sleighs, Santa, sugarplums, etc., are NOT carols, they are garbage that deserves to rot on the side of the street like so much crumpled wrapping paper.

No, the truly best Christmas carols fall into at least one of the following categories:
1. Songs in Latin
2. Songs about food
3. Songs about Hell and/or avoidance thereof
4. Songs about decidedly non-canonical adventures of Jesus, Mary, and/or Joseph
5. Songs that use the word “flesh”
6. Good King Wenceslas

Bonus points are awarded if the song was clearly hastily Christianized with a few macaronic verses or if it sounds good played on the bagpipe.

There are only approximately 30 days of the unofficial Christmas carol listening season, and I would hate for you to waste one second of them letting an INFERIOR Christmas carol bleat through your earbuds. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to let you know what the good ones are. This is my final decision and I will brook no dissent.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman
This is the only mainstream Christmas carol that mentions Satan, and IN THE FIRST VERSE, no less. (It was also my favorite as a kid for this self-same reason.) This is metal as heck.

The Holly and the Ivy
Two plants get uppity about which is better; also, Jesus was born. This carol gets major points for terrible rhymes (blood/good, grown/crown) which as we all know is a favorite territory of mine. I also like to think that this carol is directly responsible for the absence of ivy from conventional Christmas decorations.

The Cherry Tree Carol
If you do not know the lyrics to this one, go look them up, for verily they are BONKERS. A preggo Mary is wandering around and sees a bunch of delicious cherries growing on a tree. Being incapacitated due to her expectatory state, she asks Joseph to pick some for her, but he’s like “eh, why don’t you let the FATHER OF YOUR CHILD pick them, slut” and then Jesus FROM INSIDE THE WOMB commands the tree to reach its branches down to Mary. I’m about 70% sure this didn’t actually happen in the Bible, but it probably should have.

In the Bleak Midwinter
This one is actually really annoying and smarmy (obviously, the lyrics are by Christina Rossetti) but it DOES contain the titillating phrase “a BREAST full of MIIIIILK” at which I challenge not to snort when the tenor soloist sings it plangently. (Tenors are always singing plangently.)

Good King Wenceslas
So when I was in high school we used to sing this en masse in alternating verses using the following breakdown:

King Wenceslas: Boys
The page: Girls

But apparently they’ve done away with that tradition and now they sing it thusly:

The Coventry Carol, but ONLY the “Herod the King” verse
The Coventry Carol would ordinarily get automatic disqualification for being one of the boringest kinds of Christmas carol (lullabies?! Who cares? The Incarnate Son of God has just been squeezed out onto a barn floor and you’re just going to let him GO TO SLEEP?!?), but it redeems itself with a VERY DARK third verse about infanticide. Not that I’m suggesting the Massacre of the Innocents was awesome or anything, because it very much wasn’t, but there is something super spooky and affecting about the melody of “He-ROD the KIIIIING, in hiiiis RAAAAAgiiiing,” especially if you sing it a cappella.

Edit: Some people have pointed out the the Coventry Carol is actually a dirge sung by the mothers of the slain children and not a lullaby for Jesus at all. Which is SUPER grim! Why do we even use it?! Christ, no pun intended. Anyway, I apologize for the error; I can’t believe that fact didn’t turn up during my two minutes of exhausting [sic] research.

Personent Hodie
You might know this one as “On This Day, Earth Shall Ring,” but as with every hymn, the English version is for illiterate heathens. (Sample lyrics: Blah blah blah, bells all ring, something something, we all sing! PUERILE.) It sounds infinitely more sophisticated and authoritative in Latin, and also it’s way easier to rhyme stuff. I think it’s about bells or something.

Gaudete
Another good Latinate one, inveighing people to REJOICE because Christ is born from the Virgin Mary. Plus, you get to sing the phrase “hoc quod optabamus” which really rolls off the tongue. (Also, this video of Anuna features LADS SINGING MERRILY IN DOUBLETS, so it comes doubly recommended.)

I Saw Three Ships
AKA the Apocryphal Nautical Adventures of Mary and Jesus! I have so many questions about this one. First: who is the narrator? Probably not one of the fisherman apostles, because Jesus is still a baby. Maybe it’s Joseph? And don’t give me one of those pat “the narrator represents the Church” answers or I will hit you. Second: how can a person be on THREE SHIPS at once? It’s like…expecting God to be at once a Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, or someth—okay, I get it. What I WANTED to be a tale of maritime follies with God Jr. and the Queen of Heaven is actually a belabored metaphor about the trinity. Well, whatever, it’s still a great tune.

The Boar’s Head Carol
Almost the absolute best carol ever written. Peasants carting around a dead pig noggin and then quickly remembering that Christmas is about CHRIST and working in some Latin bits. Phrases like “Let us servire cantico!” definitely sound like they came out after a few too many skins of wine, and I am 100% okay with that. Christmas is about winter and winter is about eating (and don’t be one of those “well Jesus was probably REALLY born in April” people, unless you’re going to use that point to tell Christina Rossetti she’s full of it with her “Bleak Midwinter” bullsh).

Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence
I mean, just look at the first verse:

Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descending
Comes our homage to demand.

A-mother-fucking-men. This is a Christmas carol that does NOT mess around. Christ is coming and he wants your homage, whatever that is. (When I was a kid, we acted out the shepherds bringing homage to Jesus by putting towels on our head and depositing these burlap bags in front of the manger, so for a long time I assumed “homage” was just a bag of stuff).

It only gets creepier in the third and fourth verses, too:

Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
Comes the powers of hell to vanquish
As the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six wingèd seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence,
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Lord Most High!

JESUS VANQUISHING HELL. SIX WINGED SERAPH AND CHERUBIM THAT COULD ZAP RUDOLPH INTO VENISON WITH ONE GLANCE FROM THEIR LASER-FOCUSED SLEEPLESS EYES. Look, I know Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus as a tender human babelet, but when push comes to shove I really want a god-man who can BURN STUFF DOWN, you know? It just makes me feel way more secure in my own mortality.

Edit: A few other people (not the same people as the Coventry Carol people) have noted that this is not technically a Christmas carol, but a Eucharistic chant that became a hymn. We, being unenlightened Presbyterian dodos, always sang it at Christmas, hence its inclusion here.

And there you have it—the best songs. Feliz Navidad, or whatever, which is NOT a song I recommend.

Hey hi! If you think this post is funny (and I hope you do, otherwise please don’t leave a mean comment picking apart my theology), I wrote a YA novel you might enjoy. There are no carols but there is Latin poetry, which is equally wonky. Check it!

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(I assume that it’s only the basic list that’s absolute, rather than particular renditions, so if Blair has updated versions of the songs I’ll change them.)

ALSO, on the subject of the Coventry Carol — the only song in existence with my name in it (and yes, it’s Old English and means “to sleep; to soothe”) — BORING? It’s super interesting musically when you have the right version.

Canonical.
On a side note: it is my theory (just invented but nevertheless heartfelt) that Christmas carols are where the Hallmarkization of angels began. Terrifying beings who could make one “sore afraid” are mischaracterized as “sweetly singing o’er the plains.” Pah!
On the other hand, one angel carol contains the command, “Sages, leave your contemplation… Seek the great desire of nations.” That is the real purpose of Christmas carols.

Actually my personal theory is that the final blow was struck by all the Bible illustrations by Gustave Dore that became so popular in the late 19th century. But clearly there was a lot of cultural synergy.

Let All Mortal Flesh is no Christmas Carol, it’s the metrical version of the very ancient hymn sung as the bread and wine are placed on the altar during the old Liturgy of St. James. The offertory of offertories, if you will, but nonetheless a Eucharistic hymn and not Christmas. It’s also used in the Byzantine Rite on Holy Saturday, though I can’t remember if it’s the actual Holy Saturday Divine Liturgy, or the midnight Pascha (Easter) Divine Liturgy.

Liturgy of St. James is served Holy Saturday morning. (Not Easter vigil.). It’s actually used for daily liturgy in most of the Arabic-speaking world. When I started hanging with the Presbys, I was shocked when Let All Mortal Flesh was sung at Christmas! Anyway, it is from the 4th Century, thus adding to its allure & coveted spot on your list!

Someone else beat me to it on “Let All Mortal Flesh.” It astonishes me that people don’t know that this is a Eucharistic hymn. I mean, it’s wonderful, but if you don’t happen to believe that Jesus comes down into the bread and wine, you probably should consider it semi-heretical. The angels are spreading their vanguard, etc., at the Consecration in the Mass. I suspect that Protestants get away with treating it as a Christmas song by leaving out this verse:

King of kings, yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of lords, in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for heavenly food.

See? Of course, it is *also* about the Incarnation, but the idea is that the Sacrament is a sort of re-enactment of the Incarnation.

One of my favourite hymns; it reminds me of the mosaics in the church of San Vitale in Ravenna. To me it is very Orthodox, not Catholic at all. I am an Anglican and we don’t treat it as a Christmas hymn, nor do we omit “King of Kings yet born of Mary”.

The words aren’t, but the tune is. The traditional setting, Picardy, is a French carol from the seventeenth century–La Ballade de Jésus-Christ, a typical Christ-as-beggar narrative. Hence the conflation, perhaps?

Thank you for your list. Ditto the request for the carol with the lines “Now bring us some figgy pudding and bring it right here … We won’t go until we get some.” Also beg to include “Here We Come a Wassailing,” with its sensitive entreaty, “We are not daily beggars who roam from door to door, but we are neighbors’ children whom you have seen before.” Ah, okay. Have some punch.

3. In Soap-making: Containing white granulations, like the seeds of figs, of stearate of potash.

1862 C. O'Neill Dict. Calico Printing 185/1 The quality of soft soap is thought to depend in some measure upon the existence of white particles diffused through the mass, producing the appearance called ‘figgy’.

All of the popular recorded versions of Gaudete seem to pronounce that word similarly, including the Steeleye Span recording that is probably the best known. At least the Baebes pronounce “virgine” correctly with the first syllable rhyming with “ear”, unlike Span who have it rhyming with “burr”.

YES YOU DO (and yes, I’m shouting and failing to punctuate.). I brought it to your attention last year as “creepiest Christmas carol ever,” and it’s been on my Christmas playlist for at least two years. Plus, Grail legend overtones. What’s not to love?

It’s not actually a Christmas carol – though it gets sung at Christmas because it’s old, and old = medieval = Christmas. If it’s anything it’s about Corpus Christi which is midsummer, but it has a lot of resemblance to the story of the Fisher King.

Under that bed there runs a flood:
The bells of Paradise I heard them ring:
The one half runs water, the other runs blood:
And I love my Lord Jesus above anything.
[The red and white springs of Glastonbury]

At the bed’s foot there grows a thorn:
The bells of Paradise I heard them ring:
Which ever blows blossom since he was born:
And I love my Lord Jesus above anything. [The holy thorn]

I don’t know of any evidence of pre-existing carols which were Christianised later. Can you point me at that?

This list is fan-bloody-tastic!! Preparing to share it, particularly with my musician and clergy friends. In the meantime may I humbly submit one more for your list: “This Little Babe” from Britten’s Ceremony of Carols. It only takes four lines to get around to mentioning Satan and hell and the overcoming thereof, in a war fought by a baby and sung about by girls.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyIP7m8Btg

Missing “This Little Babe,” which fits so very many of your criteria:
—
This little babe, so few days old
Is come to rifle Satan’s fold
All hell doth at His presence quake
Though He Himself for cold do shake
And in this meek, unarmed guise
The gates of hell He will surprise.
—
Dude, two hells and a Satan right up front.

This Little Babe
This little babe just three days old,
Is come to rival Satan’s hold
All hell doth at his presence quake,
though he himself for cold do shake;
For in this weak unarmored wise
the gates of hell he will surprise.

With tears he fights and wins the field,
his naked breast stands for a shield.
His battering shot are babish cries,
his arrows looks of weeping eyes.
His martial ensigns Cold and Need,
and feeble flesh his warrior’s steed.

The young poet of “This Little Babe” didn’t have to go far to find violent imagery. He was surrounded by colleagues and friends who were being tortured and martyred under Queen Elizabeth. He wrote this poetry in hiding before his capture, which was followed by many long tortures on the rack and his being drawn and quartered for the crime of being a priest. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poets/detail/robert-southwell

Hoyt is correct, with the comma between “merry” and “gentlemen”. But singing it makes it difficult to handle the “normal” transition, with a slight pause after “merry”. You either hear it all run together, or the slight pause(or inflection) after “you”. Unfortunately, just because you know this doesn’t mean anybody’s going to listen to you, anyway… Figgy pudding, anyone?

When modern people say “Merry” Christmas, the word merry means happy. When “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” was written, merry had a very different meaning. Robin Hood’s “Merry Men” might have been happy, but the merry that described them meant great and mighty. Thus, in the Middle Ages, a strong army was a merry army, a great singer was a merry singer, and a mighty ruler was a merry ruler.

So when the English carolers of the Victorian era sang, “merry gentlemen,” they meant great or mighty men. Ye means you, but even when translated to “God rest you mighty gentlemen,” the song still makes very little sense. This is due to another word that has a much different meaning in today’s world and a lost punctuation mark.
FROM http://www.acecollins.com/books/storiesbehindchr.html
The word rest in “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” simply means keep or make. Yet to completely uncover the final key to solving this mystery of meaning, a comma needs to be placed after the word “merry.” Therefore, in modern English, the first line of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” should read “God make you mighty, gentlemen.” Using this translation, the old carol suddenly makes perfect sense, as does the most common saying of the holidays, “Merry Christmas.”
And now you know.

I absolutely LOVE your list. Still, I’ll bet I can think of some others that belong here, but I digress. I was taught in choir that the correct version is “God rest ye merry, gentlemen.” That means God keep you merry. “God rest ye, merry gentlemen” is addressed to some gentlemen and the singer is wishing them rest. I much prefer that these gentlemen be merry than rested – especially when they’re going around wassailing.

And it’s “you,” not “ye.” “Ye” is the subjective, like “he” and “I” and “we.” “You” is the objective, like “him” and “me” and “us.” To say “God rest ye merry” would be like saying “God rest he merry” instead of “him.”

“Ye” dropped out of the language and was replaced by “you” in all cases, except that “ye” crept back in when people were trying to be archaic and didn’t know the archaic grammar. Maybe this is an instance of this but if it is WE SHOULD CORRECT IT.

I suspect that in this case the “ye” here comes from a bad transcription of þe (note the “thorn” character þ there), which is a phonetic spelling of “thee” using a letter that’s no longer in our (Latin/English) alphabet. Check Wikipedia for the article Thorn_(letter), and then look in the Middle_and_Early_Modern_English section for support.

“Wenceslaus” is obviously a Stephen’s Day song, but it rawks, let it stay! I like that it’s a teaching-song; the page is taught to learn from the Good Master by following in his footsteps. I also admire Walt Kelly’s lyrics: “Good King Sauer Kraut, Look out! On your feets uneven!”

Under #4, the non canonical adventures of Jesus, I would like to submit “The Huron Carol” for several reasons: first, the completely politically incorrect notion that First Nations hunters should bow down before their new colonial lord, aka a Christian Jesus. Second, the fact that most versions include a song chorus imitating a drum that goes “Boom diddy boom boom, boom diddy boom boom, boom diddy boom boom, Booo-ooo-ooom” like some demented 1950’s rockabilly band. Third, and most importantly, that God is called Gitchee-Manitou in the Carol and as kids in Sunday School, it always made us giggle because it sounded like we we’re singing about underwear.

You are correct. The boom-diddys are in Land of the Silver Birch. We sing that one on canoe trips with appropriate dance moves. Since I live in northern Minnesota I taught the Huron Carol (“Twas in the moon of wintertime”) to my children’s choir as a sort of local history effort although I agree it’s a little presumptuous.

Love the list. While “Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence” isn’t technically a Christmas song, I welcome any opportunity to hear it. While the version you selected is nice, have you heard the Bairstow version? It gives me chills singing it or listening to it. (Especially the end.)

Oh, sure! Despite all my blustering I’m actually pretty lenient on what constitutes a quote-unquote carol (and as many more liturgically-savvy than I have noticed, “Let All Mortal Flesh” isn’t even technically a Christmas song. Womp womp.)

And further to the Eucharist/Christmas connection, you only have to look to folks like Justin Martyr and Ignatius of Antioch to see the explicit linking of the Incarnate flesh and the Eucharistic flesh. So totally appropriate (if a little awkward for non-sacrmentalists).

THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!! “JESUS VANQUISHING HELL. SIX WINGED SERAPH AND CHERUBIM THAT COULD ZAP RUDOLPH INTO VENISON WITH ONE GLANCE FROM THEIR LASER-FOCUSED SLEEPLESS EYES” For a very similar reason, one of my favorite hymns of all times is “Jerusalem” because when else do you get to sing about “dark Satanic mills”

YES!!! “Jerusalem” is actually the school song of my (Quaker) K–12 school…which seems like a strange choice, given all the pacifism and stuff, but before THAT the song was something set to the Haydn tune that would become the Deutschlandlied. Obviously, after WWII, that had to change, and so Satanic Mills it was.

Jerusalem also mentions kid Jesus’ apocryphal adventures in England with Joseph of Arimathea, so it fits the theme here. I love it so much it was the prelude at my wedding, but instrumental so no “dark satanic mills” or “bring me my chaaariot of fire.”

I probably posted this somewhere else, also, as I am a Registered Drummer Boy Hater. I realize that this is many people’s favorite carol, but I will join in the spirit of this list and say that you are just plain wrong. The kid played his drum near a sleeping baby? Excuse me? The ox and lamb kept time? What – they tapped their cloven hooves? Or did they just sway rhythmically? And the rom-pa-pom-poms are the definition of tedious.
So, in summary, you may have your Little Drummer Boy – you may even enjoy your LIttle Drummer Boy. Just please, please, please don’t play it around me.

Nicely done! The Singing Dogs version of “Jingle Bells” is also a good one. “Little Drummer Boy” sung by Bing Crosby and David Bowie is the only tolerable version of “Little Drummer Boy”. “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney is the worst ever, makes me get my Grinch on.

About the comment on bad rhymes in the review of The Holly and the Ivy…

We have to be careful about judging rhymes in old texts. The problem is that pronunciation has shifted over the years, and there are also multiple dialects of English (and American English) pronunciation. Poems and songs that appear to modern speakers to have bad rhymes often rhymed perfectly if they are read in the pronunciation of the time and place where they were written.

The Holly and the Ivy may be affected by this. Although the earliest references listed in Wikipedia are from the early 19th century, another online source gives the first publication of the text as 1710, and it was not represented as an original work so it may be even older.

YES TO ALL OF THESE!!! The more baroque the merrier. Good King Wenceslaus was the first carol I memorized as a kid, and the Cambridge Singers recording of Personent Hodie remains one of my family’s favorite Christmas morning jams. If you’re curious about translation, Verse 1 is about the Incarnation, Verse 2 describes the stable and mentions how THE PRINCE OF HELL IS ROBBED OF HIS SPOILS, Verse 3 is about the Magi, and Verse 4 tells everyone to sing with the angels.

Interesting that you include Let All Mortal Flesh, since my Catholic schools always used it as a year-round hymn about transubstantiation.

Have you ever looked at “The Oxford Book of Carols”? The editors very reluctantly include “Good King Wenceslas” in their collection, pointing out that its tune is from a spring carol and calling it a “confused narrative” verging on doggerel. (I like to sing it, though.)

Brilliant list. I agree 100% about “BRING ME FLESH AND BRING ME WINE,” “Let us servire cantico,” and “HEROD the KIIING, in his RAAAGGGINNGGG” (the rest of the CC is a bit of a let-down). When I was growing up, we also had a Noel Provencal album (vinyl, baby) that was fantastic and of a piece with these. Also, although it’s a little post-Christmas, I’d also include “Orientis Partibus” on my list.

I sense that you would also appreciate one of my and my husband’s favorite Christmas CDs (the one we call the “freeze to death” album): Drive the Cold Winter Away by Horslips. Lots of Gaelic, minor keys, and lively desperation, like someone dancing to avoid freezing to death. I recommend particularly “Ny Kirree fo Naghtey (The Sheep ‘neath the Snow).”

Does O Holy Night stand up to your criteria? “Long lay the world in sin and error pining” is not the gates of hell but it’s very far from the icky sweety stuff on the radio. Not to mention fun for the people who can hit the high notes.

The original French lyrics are better. Sadly, it suffers somewhat in translation. “People, on your knees and await your deliverance!” Seriously, I have a hard time hearing it in English now. And I’m a colloratura soprano so that song is ideal for my voice.

The awesomest verse of “Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence” is also the most clearly eucharistic (which is fine — Christmas ought to involve a mass). Six-winged seraphs and vanquishing the powers of hell are good and all, but “He will give to all the faithful / His own self for heavenly food” is a step beyond. God will descend to earth to demand your homage, and then you’re gonna eat him. Metal as hell.

I read somewhere that I Saw 3 Ships was about the excitement of their RELICS coming to town via ship. On Christmas Day, to boot! In the morning, no less! Pony up those coins to pay for a peek, poor folks! No idea if that story has any credibility, but the lyrics make more sense with that back story. I’m going with it. Great list, BTW!

The Gloucestershire Wassail Song can basically be summed up as:
– We’ve got beer
– Wow, your 4 horses have good eyes/horns/ears/tails
– We just knocked at your doo because even though we have beer already, we want some of YOUR beer, and if we don’t like your beer then we’ll beat up whoever answer the door and break your mugs
– Your maid is cute; can we date her?

I love your list and I actually know and have sung all of them…. I must confess that I like some of the traditionals too (I enjoy singing the alto part in “Joy to the World”), and I love “In the Bleak Midwinter” — all of it! The alto part is great in that one too, and I like it just a bit faster than the Chanticleer version. Thanks for reminding me to get out all of my good music.

Software’s choice of which one is a REAL Carol: after pop up ads in each from Part D Meds to Real Estate, and that was without a Manger song, it was ” Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence” that drew a pop up ad for a group trip to visit the Pope.

My understanding of the Coventry Carol is that it’s not about the baby Jesus at all. It is about the slaughter of the Innocents. The lullaby is both literal in the sense of the mothers trying to sing their babies peacefully to sleep before they are killed (or perhaps avoid being heard while hiding,) and also allegorical in the sense of a sleep of death (the child is dying, and the mother sings him to his rest.)

Definitely agree with you, Martha, about the Shapenote / Sacred Harp tradition! VIGOR!! And funner than fun to sing.

I also really like Shapenote’s English cousin – the West Gallery tradition. As with Shapenote, lots of Vigor. Lots of Fuguing.

Here’s my favorite version of “As Shepherd’s Watched Their Flocks By Night” (These same words got set to many different tunes since, as I read, they were the only lyrics allowed to be sung as carols – as opposed to hymns – inside C. of E. churches until 1782).

Actually, The Holly and the Ivy rhymes beautifully in middle English, which is what it’s supposed to be sung in anyway. Sort of like singing Personent Hodie in Latin. And odds are ivy gets left out of decorations because holly and ivy are the traditional pagan symbols for the season. They’re some of the few evergreen plants in Britain.

Sorry, couple other tidbits. My sister was in Prague this past Summer, and apparently Wenceslaus never made it to King. His father killed him when he was still a prince because he disagreed with his dad. Boiled in oil after other things didn’t work. Prague has a lot of stuff like this in it’s history. And I think the Coventry carol is worth a second chance and listen when you bear in mind the fact that it’s not about the Christ child at all. It is, whole and entire, about the doomed children. The ones Herod killed, the ones who died so frequently in the medieval period the song was written in, and the ones still dying. It’s a haunting song that’s remarkably unsettling.

You should add “We Three Kings of Orient Are” to the list. It starts out cheerily enough, with plenty of praise and hope documenting the intrepid travel of the magi/wise men. But then it hits you with this deliciously bleak verse from Balthazar:

“Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes a life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb”

It’s got all the doom, death, and despair you could want in a Christmas carol. Add to that the fact that the story and identities of the magi are mostly post-biblical apocryphal compilations of popular myths, and you’ve got an excellently metal/not-strictly-biblically-canonical carol.

Fucking awesome. My favorite one is the one about the Cherry Tree Carol. Unfortunately, I have never been blessed to sing in a church that allowed the unsanitized version of the carol, so the tree bows down to Mary for no fucking reason. This is why I was reduced to singing it in one of my graduate recitals.

They aren’t carols in the most traditional sense, but Herbert Howells’ Three Carol-Anthems are lovely. I think ‘Here is the Little Door’ is a nice fit for this group – a tenderly-set, loving description of the babe-in-manger scene is bolstered by exposition on the kings’ gifts, with references to weaponry, battle, and death. Plus, AWESOME use of the interjection, “Oh,” mid-sentence. And tiny feet! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4cHUoP8F7c

LOVE this! I think Deck the Halls might qualify, it’s not bleak but is all about holly and burning logs and has the great line “Don we now our gay apparel” AND the Fa la la chorus…And from across the pond here in Texas, as much as I hate modern “carols” there are some that are worth mentioning: Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, and Please Daddy Don’t get Drunk This Christmas come to mind…

Deck The Hall is even better in the original non-temperance’d (is that a word? it is now) version

ie the one that says “Fill the mead cup, drain the barrel” instead of “Don we now our gay apparel”, and so on with drinking references everywhere they could include one

ON the same topic – I’ve recently come across The Apple Tree Wassail, which completely forgets to mention Jesus or Christmas at all (even though it’s conventionally sung during the Twelve Days between Christmas and Epiphany), but manages to end every verse with a call for more cider. Plus it has “There was an old farmer and he had an old cow/went out to milk her, he didn’t know how”

I so agree on nearly all of these and have only to strongly recommend “Lo How a Rose,” which recently became my favorite instead of Wenceslas, as well as “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” – which has excellent depressing lyrics, including: “And ye, beneath life’s crushing load, Whose forms are bending low, Who toil along the climbing way, With painful steps and slow.” (Trippy to hear cheerful Frank Sinatra deal with that verse)

I know it’s super mainstream and all, but how can you possibly omit “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” from a list of this nature? Not only are there gloriously awkward rhymes and references to wombs (always a good time), but in the second verse Jesus (aka “The Godhead” – presumably his rockin’ wrestler persona?) literally wears a veil made of human flesh:

Christ by highest Heav’n adored
Christ the everlasting Lord
Late in time, behold him come
Offspring of the Virgin’s womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail, incarnate deity
(etc)

It just does NOT get more grotesquely literal than that, I tell you what.

I loathe Let All Mortal Flesh! I offer What Child is This? in exchange. Check out the second verse:
“Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and donkeys are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spears shall pierce him through,
the cross he bore for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
the Babe, the Son of Mary.”

However, I will cede the spot to This Little Babe from Britten’s Ceremony of Carols.

…and I agree with your sentiments totally. I’ve been secretly listening to Christmas music since a bit before Thanksgiving. But only the good stuff. 0h, and your sample of Bleak Midwinter, is really bleak (and smarmy).

May I put in a word (or several) for O Magnum Mysterium? 1. it’s in Latin; 2. it has “animals” though admittedly, not as food, and “womb”(actually, “viscera,” which is even better); 3. there are settings for every taste, though I recommend the Renaissance version (of course) by Tomás Luis de Victoria, from 1592. Here you go:
O magnum mysterium,
et admirabile sacramentum,
ut animalia viderent Dominum natum,
jacentem in praesepio!
Beata Virgo, cujus viscera
meruerunt portare
Dominum Christum.
Alleluia.

What about “There is no Rose of such Virtue”? It’s English but really old, and has random bits of Latin thrown in to make us feel all clever and holy. Plus it’s a fabulous tune. I love your hardcore approach to the whole subject. Have you heard Sting doing “The Burning Babe”? Talk about chills!

I’m loving reading these comments. I have to admit that I agree with the above criteria but I have the added ones of being supposed to be sung really really loud and having a fun high note at the end “glorias” that go on forever. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing gets in on several counts but I wanted to add that I always think the line is going to be “pleased as punch with man to dwell” rather than “pleased as man with man to dwell” which leads to Christmas morning giggles which is always nice.

Love this! But you used the Ditchling Carol lyrics in your pull photo, and didn’t even include a link to it! I protest this oversight! :-D Here’s a link to one rendition, though I prefer the Dave Carter/Tracy Grammer version:

The list seems to need another category, along the lines of: “Plant-Based Carols”. Note that one of the author’s own canonical examples, “The Holly and The Ivy,” seems to fit none of her six categories. Also included in this expansion team would be the fine “Green Groweth the Holly,” “Es Ist Ein Ros Entsprungen,” and perhaps “O Tannenbaum” or “Misteltoe, Wrecker of Souls”. (Disclaimer: I made that last one up; but see Keyte and Parrot’s note on page 600 of their 1992 collection.)

I would like to add my voice to the previous commenters that bemoan the absence of a wassail song on your list. Those are ALL ABOUT FOOD. And drink. Mostly drink. My favorite is the Gloucester Wassail, but a close second is “Bring Us In Good Ale,” a Medieval carol which touts the superiority of ale over any food, which has clearly been prepared in a kitchen that does NOT adhere to USDA standards. My favorite verse is “Bring us in no butter, for therein are many hairs;/Nor bring us in no pig’s flesh, for that will make us boars.”https://youtu.be/S4Z48CAkK4I

Love your list, but wonder if you had considered “Twas in the moon of wintertime”? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDd7jYF6WTM . What’s not to like about the “mighty Gitchi Manitou” sending angel choirs, a babe wrapped in rabbit skin, and chiefs bringing gifts of fox and beaver pelt?

Episcopal priest here, and immigrant from England. My Christmases were filled with recording of English choirs singing all of these. I love this list and thank you for you vital ministry in the service of proper carols!

Great list, Blair – but I’m bemused that someone of your obvious erudition and exquisite taste did not mention “Remember Thou, O Man” by Ravenscroft. The ultimate Christmas carol, filled with vivid images of death and damnation and not even mentioning the Babe in Bethlehem until the next to last verse. Gives a true picture of how they celebrated (??) Christmas in 17th century England.

Remember O thou man
thy time is spent:
how thou art dead and gone,
And I did what I can,
therefore repent!

Remember Adam’s fall
o thou man
From heav’n to hell!
How we were condemned all
In hell perpetual,
There for to dwell.

Remember God’s goodness,
o thou man,
And promise made!
How he sent his son, doubtless
Our sins for to redress:
Be not afraid!

The angels all did sing,
o thou man,
On heav’n’s high hill;
Praise to our hean’nly King,
And peace to man living,
With a good will.

In Bethlem He was born,
o thou man,
For mankind’s sake;
For us that were forlorn,
And therefore took no scorn,
Our flesh to take.

Give thanks to God always,
o thou man,
with heart most joylly,
For this is our happy day,
let all men sing and say:
“Holy, Holy!”

If you aren’t already familiar with it, check out Bruce Cockburn’s “Christmas” album. That was my introduction to the Huron Carol, Down in Yon Forest (at least the spooky version, not Joan Baez’ sprightly rendition) and Riu Riu Chiu.

I’m trying without success to fit “Masters in this Hall” into any of your categories, so I’m resorting to threats: add MITH to your list, or I will make sure that you spend the coming Yuletide listening to an endless loop of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” “Little Lamb, Who Made Thee,” and “Christmas Shoes.” Remember — I know where you live.

In Australia we have the special genre of carols that try to make sense of the fact that our Christmas takes place in summer, or which try to tell the story in Aussie vernacular

Some of my favourites in this genre:

Margaret Sutherland’s “Boy, We Follow A Star!” which opens with “Three old coots riding out of the east”

William James’ “Christmas Bush For His Adorning” which talks at length about plucking Christmas Bush – I had a very hard time trying to get my choir to sing that one with straight faces.
(James’ many other Australian carols are full of ‘the north wind is tossing the leaves’ or ‘out on the plains the brolgas are dancing’ or ‘three drovers riding blythe and gay’ etc)

Paul Paviour’s “The Merry Makers Carol”, which rhymes ‘cheer’ with ‘beer’, and whose basic message is ‘be merry at Christmas or we’ll put you in the stocks’

The Boar’s Head Carol was sung by Oxford students as they brought in the boar’s head for the Christmas feast — NOT peasants. The Latin is terrible, deliberately so, as the students were making fun themselves and their less-than-perfect Latin. It’s PARODY!

Listen, I’m not going to fight you, but I *am* going to suggest that you include “There Was a Pig”, the carol that provides an exhaustive list of all of the animals that have to go out and work the fields on Chris-a-muss Day in the morning. It’s kind of creepy, especially when sung by children, and also a little boring, but very short. And it ends with my favorite line about a minnow that went out to winnow. https://youtu.be/-3YJJbXSpZc

While it does not quite conform to your list of requirements, I am rather partial to “Bethlehem Down” which starts out rather sweet and peaceful and turns really grim in the third verse. It gets even better once you consider the backstory: Peter Warlock composed the music to a poem by Bruce Blunt as an entry to The Telegraph’s carol writing contest. They won, and immediately used all the money for a drinking bout.

I love almost all of these carols, despite their mostly irrelevent lyrics. I enjoyed reading your comments.In my own list I would have included “We Three Kings’. and perhaps ‘Come, O come Emmanuel’ ( no pressure there, LOL.
I am a long term ( since the 1970s ) fan of Maddy Prior in Steeleye Span and The Carnival Band. Thank you

Oh my, I want to gush over this post so much. So, I will. 1. I completely agree with spending one’s precious Christmastime listening to only the best carols. 2. I adore your theory that the best carols fall into categories and that #6 is simply “Good King Wenceslas. ‘Nuff said. 3. I agree with most of your choices but I would replace Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence and The Boar’s Head Carol with Patapan and Bring a Torch! Jeanette Isabella. But I won’t fight you. Your post; your choice.

Erik Routley (hymnologist) used to say the difference between Christmas Carols and Christmas Hymns is that Christmas Carols can have “moldy cheese” in them. “…so bring us out some moldy cheese” Here we come A’Wassailing.

Indeed, non english carols can be awesome. Can I please bring to your attention Schedryck. Technically I think it is an Easter carol, but since it was turned into the most twee Carol of the Bells most people are happy for you to sing it to them at Christmas.
Sung at great speed trying to get your tongue around those consonants is great fun.

I challenge you to add The Oyster Band’s “The Breaking of Our Lord’s Birthday” to this list, because it is totally grim and vengeful. Let me know if you can’t find it and I’ll try to send you an audio file.

I’m a real-life church musician, and this list and commentary made me SO happy! Of course the list could be much longer but this one really works for me. My only strong dislike is Sufjan Stevens’ version of “I Saw Three Ships”. I know he’s the ruler of packaged “authenticity”, this just a “fail” compared to lots of virile choral arrangements out there. Or even a good young soprano singing it straight on. Stevens’ version tries way too hard to be different, thus killing the carol.

The Moon Shines Bright/The Bellman’s Carol/The Waits’ Song.
For New Year’s Day, which is included in Christmas, and it’s in The Oxford Book of Carols. Very old. I love how it has gloomy verses about how we can die at any time, then ends with “Happy New Year.”

1. The moon shines bright and the stars give a light
A little before the day:
Our mighty Lord He looked on us,
And bade us awake and pray.

2. Awake, awake, good people all,
Awake, and you shall hear,
The Lord our God died on the cross
For us He loved so dear.

3. O fair, O fair Jerusalem,
When shall I come to thee?
When shall my sorrows have an end,
Thy joy that I may see?

4. The fields were green as green could be,
When from His glorious seat,
Our blessèd Father watered us,
With His heavenly dew so sweet.

5. And for the saving of our souls
Christ died upon the cross;
We ne’er shall do for Jesus Christ
As He hath done for us.

6. The life of man is but a span,
And cut down in its flower,
We’re here today, tomorrow gone,
The creatures of an hour.

7. Instruct and teach your children well,
The while that you are here;
It will be better for your soul,
When your corpse lies on the bier.

8. Today you may be alive and well,
Worth many a thousand pound;
Tomorrow dead and cold as clay,
Your corpse laid underground.

9. With one turf at thine head, O man,
And another at thy feet;
Thy good deeds and thy bad, O man,
Will altogether meet.

Putting in another vote for Britten’s “This Little Babe”, just for its usage of words like ‘babish’, ‘haystalks’, ‘alarum’, and my personal favorite, ‘pight’.

You might like the Baltimore Consort as well; ‘Hey for Christmas’ on their CD “Bright Day Star” fits well in your “food and drink” category, as well as the fact I think the singers were drunk by the time the song ended… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-YRT-Wodgo

Also, I am now randomly singing “Bring me flesh and bring me wine”. This is all right at the moment because I’m the only one up, but it may prove awkward later in the day. Cheers!

The Holly Bears a Berry deserves a spot here. Sounds like a dirge, mentions blood, rhymes “grass” and “cross” and is just generally awesome. I taught it to my wee bairns when they weren’t quite old enough to understand that I was indoctrinating them into their mother’s world of Papist morbidity and year-round celebration of Christmas on the down-low.

“This Little Babe” is FANTASTIC and so is “The Burning Babe.” From the first, “His battering shot are babish cries, his arrows, looks of weeping eyes” is just too cool. And the second – a vision of Sweet Levitating Baby Jesus literally on fire and crying because nobody wants to warm themselves by his flames. Whuck. Fabulous.

I’d like to mount a defense of Rossetti, who is actually my favorite poet, but I can’t think of what exactly to say in her favor that wouldn’t just be a reification of my own preferences. Her writing speaks to me. Go figure.

LOOOOVE this list. If you ever do a part deux, please consider “This Endris Night.” Old English and creepy as $hit. Mary talks to her baby who TALKS BACK, and says I’m laying in this hay stall and kings and dukes shall worship me, and you woman shall handle me on thy knee and sing me lullabies, damnit!” Listen to the Stephen Paulus arrangement with choir, harp, and oboe. BONKERS!

I never knew a Presbyterian to be so clever and funny – and accurate about hymnody! Even correcting the errors. WTG, Blair. This is hilarious. I’m a professional singer and church jobs are our bread & butter, so to speak. This wins the season for me. :-)

For a true gold mine of this type of midwinter carol and custom check out the Vermont-based band, “Nowell Sing We Clear.” Recently retired from the touring life – this quartet has 40 years of experience with archaic Christmas carols, mummers plays, sword dancing – not to mention the rich and intriguing body of non- Christian midwinter material that strangely compliments these gutsy old Christmas ‘carols’. Tony Barrand, John Roberts, Fred Breunig and Andy Davis. Check out our discography, lyrics and liner notes at:

The old carols mixed folklore with bible story. Christ’s birth was paired with his self-sacrifice. Christian imagery is piled on type of pre-christian symbols and legends. Apocryphal tales abound. These carols were meant for group singing and dancing – and even revelry. Yes, the best carols ever!

Blair, love your list. I think you would also like “A Virgin Unspotted.” You get get virgin birth, hell, original sin and redemption–and that’s just the first verse. I sang this in junior choir (third grade)–what a way to learn doctrine!

We are twins!!!! Personant Hodie is one of my top tens, I”m all about old, latin and medieval Christmas and … YASSSSSSSS …. BRING ME FLESH AND BRING ME WINE (which is probably what the Holly has been shouting to the Ivy ever since that contest was won). Great post, great vids! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO!