Monday, November 03, 2008

Osteoderms

Osteoderms are the bead-like scales found on the American Southwest's Helioderm lizards, like the venomous Gila Monster. These "beads" are seemingly impenetrable, and looking at the rocky and tortuous terrain in which they live, it's easy to see why they have evolved this way. Scorpions, rattlesnakes, hawks and buzzards all would love an easy meal. The osteoderms on the Gila Monster are anything but easy.

The mountain bike racer may one day, long off in the future, develope such osteoderms on their skin as well. Years and years of trail rash, gravity race crashes, hot-rotor burns to the thigh, and the burden of wearing full body armor may one day force the human animal to alter it's genetic makeup and grow these bead-like plates of armor. The freedom of having your body armor attached as a living, breathing piece of you that could move and grow as you did would be amazing. Tree branch to the kidney? No problem. Your own osteoderms will take care of that! Come up short on that hip-kicker jump at Bootleg Canyon and fear the skin will be removed by the volcanic and razor sharp rock? No sweat. Osteoderms will fight back, leaving you none the worse for wear. Shorted the stripper at the "Spearmint Rhino" and fear retribution in the parking lot? Your covered...in osteoderms! Just let her wail away on you with that 12" ice-pick of a heel and walk to the car as though nothing were happening. Sweet.

661-Sunline and Backbone Team DH racer Jay Schippers may currently be involved in top secret skin-graft and DNA tests to cross breed Charles Libolt to a Gila Monster.Jay has been out of reach, and Charles is known to have a red and welty rash...somewhere. Jay is seen in this photograph giving the secret code-signal-thingy to the government facility gate keeper in order to get in and continue his work.

So who knows? Was Darwin correct? Will the constant beer drinking-resulting-in-mountain-bike-crashes result in osteoderm laden skin on humans?

God knows that would happen before we gave up the beer, that's for damn sure.