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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Single Girl in Shidduchim ..... Letter to the Editor

This was printed in the Letters to the Editor in the FJJ (Flatbush Jewsish Journal)

A Public Plea From An Older Single Sibling Of The Kallah

In
a perfect world, all siblings would marry in the order that they were born,
because a perfect world is fair.

However we live in the Olam Hasheker, which,
by its very definition, appears to be cruel and unfair. We accept this as a
reality of life and we believe that everything Hashem does is for the best.

However, it does not make the situation any less painful for us.

It is
extremely painful that our baby sister, whom we bathed, fed, dressed, walked to
preschool, taught how to whistle, took to Disney movies, etc. etc. is walking
to the chuppa before us and (in many cases) to the first male that she
interacted with socially since playgroup.

If we had it our way, we would not be
present at this simcha at all (admit it, it’s true!). Yet we know that we have
to do what is right for our families and for our sisters.

However, I am making
a request to all of you readers who find yourselves at such a wedding.

Reserve all Mazel Tov wishes to the chosson/ kallah,
their parents, and their grandparents. Do not wish the older single siblings
(applies to males and females!) of the chosson/kallah a Mazel Tov. It is not
their simcha. They are not getting married. It is not a well wish. It is a
punch in the gut. Let’s not even get started on “Im yirtzeh Hashem by you
soon!” These words are the nadir of halbanas pnei chaveiro b’rabbim, which
Chazal equate to murder.

Please daven for us, and have us in mind during
Tehillim, Hadlakas Neiros and Hafrashas Challah, but do not verbalize your
wishes to us. It hurts. It makes us cry. In fact, do not even speak to the
older single sibling at all. Let him/her make the first move, just as the
Halacha is with Nichum Aveilim. If the avel wants to cry the whole time, s/he
is 100% entitled to do so. Perhaps the older single siblings wants to be left
alone, as s/he is spending the whole night hoping and davening that s/he won’t
cry, faint, vomit, etc.

If the older single sibling wants to talk, then s/he
will greet you and say something like, “Thank you for coming. I’m so happy to
see you.” If the older single sibling greets you, discuss neutral topics. Ask a
question such as, “How’s work/ school?” “I hear you were just in London. How
was?” “I hear you just passed your road test. How exciting for you!” Believe
me, if the older single sibling wants to discuss the simcha, s/he will steer
the topic in that direction. And if s/he doesn’t, s/ he will be grateful for
your sensitivity and understanding.

Let us look at the story of Chana and
Penina in Shmuel Aleph, Perek Aleph. Penina tortured and taunted Chana every day
about her childless state. The Midrash quotes examples of what Penina used to
say to Chana. “Didn’t you buy clothes for your children? Haven’t you gotten
your children up and dressed yet?” (This is no different than wishing the
single older sibling of the chosson/kallah Mazel Tov, isn’t it?)

The Midrash
says that Penina did it 100% l’shem shamayim, namely so Chana would daven
harder for children. Yet Penina was severely punished for her behavior, because
hurting other people’s feelings is wrong, regardless of the intentions behind
it.

Maybe your intention is simply to wish the older sibling well. Yet if you
really wished them well, you would sincerely daven it and not say it. We will
conclude with Rabbi Akiva’s statement in Pirkei Avos, Perek Shlishi, “Siyag
lachamah shtika.” literally translated as “Silence is the protective fence of
wisdom.” Just as a fence prevents us from entering a place that is forbidden,
so too does silence (especially when in doubt on what to say) prevent us from
entering the dangerous area of thoughtless, foolish comments and their serious
consequences.

With best wishes for all of Klal Yisrael to become
chassonim/kallos at the right time and may we hear kol chosson v’kol kallah
b’arei yehuda v’chutzos yerushalyim. A Fellow Jew

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Sad that a person can be so tzebissen & misguided. Feeling good for her sister despite her own tzaar can bring her own yeshua closer min haShamayim where they appreciate working hard for a more positive attitude.

Nobody is trying to minimize the lady's pain, but a few comments are in order.You're obviously angry at people who have nothing to do with your situation, and because of the many weddings B"E"Y" these days, probably don't even want to show up, are tired, and come to say Mazel Tov and make the familes happy by showing up altogether. You're giving a lesson on what and what not to say, much the same as nichum aveilik'niks are told what to say and what not to say at shiva calls.Can you cut us some slack? People mean well. Maybe your anger is at G-D, so why take it out on people who mean no harm.Your references to Peninina-Chana, and Syog Lachochmo Shtika is tough. Penina & Chana lived under the same roof and she harassed her constantly. Let's take the view that she meant it l'Shem Shomayim and wanted Chana to daven. For sure Chana davened already but now she took a step further and went to daven at the Mishkan site. Surely, you also daven, and you should keep davening .... Maybe make a trip to EY, to the Kotel, to other mekomos hakdoshim... Maybe you already did... Well, do it again or ask someone's that going to daven for you.... Chana didn't say, as many do, that Hashem is everywhere and I'll daven at my local shtiebel... She made pilgrimage to the Mishkan site... After that, it's up to Hashem...Shtika doesn't apply .... One has to speak to be menachem the avel, one has to speak and comfort the sick, and wish a Mazal Tov to balei simcha verbally and make them happy..Everybody has issues , but your hostility and bitterness is misdirected at innocent people ... Since even a birchas hedyot is significant, then a bracha by some guest to you can affect something in order to bring you happiness in the near future... Don't put guilt trips and speech restrictions on people because you're angry...

why would the OLDER sister just pass her driving test??! is the younger sister being married at 15? If not, then the older sister should not be worried about getting married if it took her 5 years to pass her road test.