Return of the Daily Smile

January 2nd, 2013, 15:57

Swedish classic;
Andreas Hedlund have checked every possible software problem.
Now he examines the hardware; the Mother modem, the heart of the harddrive, isn't working.

— Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. - John F Kennedy
An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind. - Mahatma Gandhi
The world is my country. To do good is my religion. My mind is my own church. This simple creed is all we need to enjoy peace on earth. - Thomas Paine

I've read this one at least 10 times and it still makes me laugh. So courtesy of Cm

Originally Posted by Cm
Lizard Birthing Story

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen … Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um….um….masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just..just…excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just…that… I'm picturing you pulling on its… its..teeny little…" she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

— “ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)

pibbur who so far has kept his clothes on when venturing out into the world outside, where it's cold and dark and weeping and gnashing of teeth. And who doesn't understnd why the thingy below is supposed to be funny:

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D… -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Coke asideso that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter anddiscover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote….Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it 's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:the car isn't washedthe bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote, oh my

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail….

Don't laugh — if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!Corwin if you say ONE THING I will kill you!

— Bart and Corwin should just admit that when it gets down to it, I will have the final say.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D… -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills backon the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,but first I need to push the Coke asideso that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm,and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter anddiscover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote….Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote,but I won't remember that it 's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying toremember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:the car isn't washedthe bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote, oh my

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail….

Don't laugh — if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!Corwin if you say ONE THING I will kill you!

— “ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)

Part of the THQ sell-out, according to German gaming site "www.gamestar.de" :

Paket #2: Homeworld

Homeworld

Homerworld 2

— “ Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction.“ (E.F.Schumacher, Economist, Source)