On the verge of becoming a bride, one woman reflects on a harrowing emotional ride that began at age 12 when her parents divorced.

It is my face, softened by a gauzy veil. Delicate silk flowers catch the veil and fasten it to the curls that frame my face.

"You're a vision," my mother breathes from the dressing room door.

Indeed I am.

My mother has dragged me to the bridal boutique in the hope that seeing myself festooned in a wedding dress might help me get excited about the prospect of becoming a bride.

I know. It's not normal.

So many girls grow up dreaming of the day when they will float down the aisle on a cloud of white silk, toward a beaming groom, toward the rest of their life.

Not me. I feel nauseous.

As I saw the better side of my 20s come and go, my more logical mind understood that it was time to get serious about dating. Ticking clocks, smaller dating pools and such...

This was easy in the theoretical sense. Then along came an abnormally nice fellow who, it became clear, wanted something serious.

Something long-lasting. Permanent, even.

You know... the M-word.

In fact, he would accept nothing less.

That's when I started hyperventilating.

It's not that I don't want to get married.

I do.

I think.

Until now, I had an unconscious awareness of the baggage I'd been carrying. But now I saw it in the clear light of day.

I am a statistic. The grown-up version of a child scarred by her parents' divorce, now terrified at my deepest, darkest levels of making the same mistake my parents did. Of going through the same hell they did. Or, worse yet, of scarring my own children through the court-sanctioned circus that dissolves a union meant to be life-long.

I am a statistic: the grown-up version of a child scarred by her parents' divorce.

I thought I'd worked through all this during my tumultuous college years, when my hair changed shades to reflect my mood, and when I tried different ideologies with equal abandon.

But here it comes, the fear, snaking out from behind a car seat to hiss in my ear. My boyfriend has just casually mentioned where his parents think we should get married.

And my heart starts to beat fast.

This is not the first time the subject has been mentioned overtly. We both know what is happening.

But it still comes as a shock to my system.

Almost always, until now, the men with whom I became involved remained removed from me. Our minds would entangle but our spirits never did. Verbal banter took the place of emotional intimacy.

"You have a wall up around you," the last serious one told me. "No matter what I do, you won't let me in completely."

It was true, I had cried to my uncle after that boyfriend broke it off. I'll never get married. I am hiding.

And hiding I was.

After years of therapeutic introspection, I'd become intimate with the vagaries of my mind and emotions. I knew myself quite well. Nauseatingly well.

Yet I couldn't share that with the men I dated.

At my core remained an unspoken certainty that exposing myself meant I would be hurt. If not now, down the road.

You have a wall up around you. No matter what I do, you won't let me in completely.

Love fades, I believed. With a child's eyes, I had watched it happen.

In the middle of my parent's divorce, I took a walk with my mother.

She was battered by a year of fighting my father and his family. He had hired the best and nastiest attorney in town. She hired a friend who coached my brother's soccer team.

She and the soccer coach had been brutalized.

"Always take care of yourself, Beck," she told me, her eyes wild behind a year of fatigue. "Never trust that a man will take care of you."

Never trust...

Those are words she wishes she could take back now, but they leapt into that 12-year-old's head and, despite my attempts at scrubbing them out, are there still, half a lifetime later.

The ties of marital fealty that form the foundation of most children's security were broken for me.

The two people I viewed as my protectors in this world turned on each other -- unaware that their attacks on each other were knifing through me.

There are logical answers to all these echoes of pain.

I spent my 20s forming the answers, forcing them out of my mouth.

In college, I assumed I'd never marry. I parroted the dismissive phrases I read in radical feminist literature. "I need to marry like a fish need a bicycle." I detached myself by reading such things over and over, until they ran together in my head and I believed them.

What is the reason women kept leaping into this outdated institution with such enthusiasm?

Instead of marrying, I believed I would have a fine apartment and a good career, as if these were equated a substitute for matrimony.

Fantasizing about my future, I saw a Boston brownstone filled with modern furniture. There were men in these dreams, but no bonds of matrimony that would atrophy into depositions about who bought which sofa and when.

But slowly I realized that there was a reason women kept leaping into this outdated institution with such enthusiasm. Serial monogamy offered no protection from the pains I associated with divorce. If anything, it offered more pain and disillusion.

It was marriage -- pedestrian and bourgeois as it may be -- that offers not only security, but can take the energy that goes into maintaining a relationship, and harness it, channel it, make it grow.

"Why are you so scared?" my uncle asked me, the night I came ranting about the latest boyfriend's defection. He asked me again when I came to him hyperventilating over this one, this good one who wouldn't let me get away with hiding myself.

With the right guy, he had said, I would be able to open up.

And, sure enough, he was right. I had tried with the two or three would-be's between this boyfriend and the last. But with this one, it clicked.

It wasn't the seductive jousting of two analytical minds pushing and pulling until one comes out on top. It was the simple insistence of this kind man saying, "I want you to be completely yourself with me, Rebecca."

When he said that, I cried.

It's what I always dreamed of hearing.

We know that love does not conquer all, that marriages take hard work, and that they sometimes fail.

So why was I so scared, now that we were moving toward the natural next step?

And there, perhaps, is the salient issue.

To children of fractious families, marriage is not in the natural course of events.

We, better than anyone, know that love does not conquer all. That marriages take hard work. And that they sometimes fail.

That knowledge, though, can be a tremendous asset as we head toward matrimony.

I do not have the luxury of being swept off my feet. I walk forward with this man at my side all too aware of the weight of our decisions.

In a quest to divert the wheels of fate that claim you are doomed to repeat your history, I have devoured every book there is on dating, relationships and marriage.

I have made myself an inconspicuous observer of marriages that work, and have squeezed from my friends their insights, their secrets to why they succeed where others, like my parents, fail so spectacularly.

I have learned that no marriage is perfect and that one size does not fit all.

The essential ingredients are love and respect for one another, a shared vision of the future and, above all, a commitment to work it out.

I realize now that the protective armor I'd developed had kept me from harm to some extent. But, more so, it had prevented me from moving forward.

Without shedding our fears and suspicions, we grown-up versions of wounded children are indeed doomed to repeat our parents' mistakes.

My fear was the only thing holding me back.

Melodramatic. But true.

Finding the right person helps, of course. I know that he is honest and good and true and, conveniently, has the family background I lack. But I also know that he never would have found me had I continued hiding.

Subconsciously, we select our pickings. When I was avoiding a real connection, I found men incapable of it. When I wanted to connect, my tastes changed.

I go back to the bridal boutique, ready to say "yes" to the wedding gown.

I am not wearing a veil and I can see my face clearly.

"You're a vision," my mother breathes again.

I smile at her in the mirror and I realize that, for the first time in my life, I am ready to take my love's hand and walk steadfast into the unknown.

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Visitor Comments: 25

(25)
Benjamin,
June 19, 2011 6:07 PM

Familiar story

Rebecca, I read your article and it truly strikes me close to home. I was recently engaged to a woman who had a similiar upbringing to your own. She had scars from her parents divorce that she always tried to overcome. Just like you say you met that guy which allowed you to open up, I was that guy. She would always recount to me how comfortable she is with me, and that she can open up to me about everything. She never felt that in another person. Indeed, you can say we had a spiritual bond. Much like the way you describe, she was not excited for the wedding and had this "lets get it over with" attitude. Whatever the case was, I was firm that I wanted to marry her, and these issues will be yet another challenge on the challenging path of marriage.
Apprently though, her fears and scars were a lot deeper that anyone around her (other than her mother) had known. Three weeks before our wedding she called and said she is calling off the wedding. No explanations, no attempts to reconciliate or discuss her issues. She ran away from this, like she told me she used to run away from her other problems. There was once a time when she would tell me that Hashem blessed her with the most caring guy in the world, after the father she had growing up. I was happy she felt that way and really did anything for her.
Alas, it was not enough. Your article reminds me of my siutation and I am happy you were able to move passed the demons into a fruitful and happy marriage. Just like you foind your ultimate happiness, I pray that I too will find this happiness. Thanks for sharing.

(24)
Iamyou,
February 25, 2010 3:27 PM

Not all reluctants are children of divorce!

Phenomenal article that accurately represents many of my feelings -- and my parents have been married 43 years. When you're single till your late 30s, you start to make peace with never getting married, and even identify with it, take pride in it. And now I'm engaged to a man I adore, but the ring on my finger doesn't overcome my worries and certainly doesn't make me one bit more interested in planning an expensive event to commemorate the union. Oh well, some girls start planning weddings at age 3; some of us would rather skip the ordeal entirely. ;-)

(23)
CJ,
September 14, 2005 12:00 AM

You really hit the nail on the head...

I, too, have always had trouble committing. My anxiety was so great that if I so much as thought about marriage, I broke out in hives. I have just turned 33, and I met a man who has changed my idea on marriage. Unfortunately, I needed time to "process" before I realized that he was different from everyone else, and I rejected the opportunity to get to know him better. The only reason I was able to notice how different he was is because I began earnestly trying to yield my spirit to G-d in order to seek His will and not my own.

(22)
Reader,
September 22, 2003 12:00 AM

You help me to breath...

You are right on the feeling that I've had for years. I am in my late 20s and, also, hiding from one who is ready to pop the question. Simply the image of a wedding band on my finger is enough to take my breath away. I love to meet great couples or being in a wedding, but I wouldn't touch that in-air bridal flower even if you put a knife on my neck. Friends say its because I haven't found the "right one", I know its not true. Because I have seen the very right one can become wrong in my own family, my own parents. Thank you for sharing. Not only that I don't feel so alone anymore, I can for once just breath when I think about a wedding band on my finger.

(21)
Peretz,
August 28, 2003 12:00 AM

You've explained what bothered me all these years

I, too, am the product of a broken home, and am an older frum single. One comment in the article struck me because it explained many of my feelings. "To children of a fractious marriages, marriage is not the natural course of events." Although, I know I am obligated to marry - actually getting married, doesn't seem real. I just don't have positive feelings about marriage. It even feels out my scope - foreign, not for me. My parents divorce was not amicable by any means and I always felt stuck in the middle. I mention this because I think there there many of us out there. Thanks so much for the insight and letting me know I'm not alone with this problem.

(20)
Anonymous,
August 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Beautifully written - an eye-opener

This was such a well-written and personal story. Having married a man with divorced parents, I have learned that the effects of divorce are so far reaching and so hurtful. My husband's parents divorced 20 years ago and the feelings he absorbed from two angry people still shape his thoughts to this day. Even to this day, the mother spends her days telling him of the evils of his father and how blood is thicker than water (why she should chose her over me). She makes him feel that he should not trust and open up to me - that he would be setting himself up to getting hurt. As a result, when we have an argument, he jumps to the decision that he married wrong as opposed to my feeling that we had a small disagreement.
I thought that I shouldn't pass up a great guy simply because his parents had divorced but based on my experience, I would have to admit that suffering through such trauma at a young age really had some devasting effects that cause us problems as a couple and don't know if I'd want my own child to do the same.

(19)
ishaq ali,
June 8, 2002 12:00 AM

" Beautiful and tender feelings"

I think this was a beautiful and wise dicision she made about picking the right person,

(18)
Cindy Solomon,
May 14, 2002 12:00 AM

this sent shivers down my back

Rebecca succinctly captures the feelings of fear when faced with commitment, responsibility, trust of another. She traces the source of the issues and follows them back to a positive conclusion - there is hope for us all!

(17)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2002 12:00 AM

I can relate from another angle...

I read this article and felt a familiar tug. My parents are not divorced, but my father died when I was very young and I have a lot of the same issues that are brought up in the article, especially the point about her mother telling her to always take care of herself and never trust a man to take care of you. My mothers motto as we were growing up was never to trust anyone too much cause they'll end up hurting you. I don't think she meant it from the perspective that they'll leave you or die, but being a single mother trying to fend for herself and her children, she learnt way too many times not to trust people, no matter how well they mean, cause in the end they look out for themselves and not for you. (My mother happens to be an awesome woman who has done so much for my siblings and me, and this is not a complaint against her.) I cant count how many times I've heard her say - "don't trust anyone too much" and "look out for youself". I've entered the dating scene a few years ago and it has been rather difficult for me to open up to anyone. I've also been told "You have a wall up around you - No matter what I do, you won't let me in completely", and I have no clue how to break that wall down. I feel like that wall went up way too early in my life for me to be able to break it down now, although I really do work on it. Reading this article gave me hope that people who are not able to completely trust others will be able to when the right person comes along for it. I just pray that God will put the right thoughts and words in the right mans mind that will help me open up to him and really be myself with him.

(16)
Shawna Parker,
March 4, 2002 12:00 AM

Thanks

This is impressively perfect timing! I just agreed to get married last week. It's taken a long time, and my friends and co-workers have always been puzzled by my reluctance. Even the lady at the jewelry store looked at me like I was crazy when I said "can we leave now, I'm breaking out in hives". But my fiance was just perfect. I'd tell him "don't ask anything important for a while - I'll run" and he would respect that. About a month ago we started talking more seriously about the "M" word, and it was good practice. He asked when did I think it'd be a good time to plan for a "M" word, and I said when I can say the whole word, perhaps. He just laughed.
I am a daughter of divorce, and have been divorced myself. I married my "best friend" from high school; he pursued me for years before I gave in, then after 3 years he decided he "didn't want to be married anymore". That was 10 years ago. I've been avoiding divorce ever since. (the best way to avoid getting divorced, is to never get married). But, I feel in my gut that I can trust Randall, and I know he's a very wonderful person.

(15)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2002 12:00 AM

Mazal Tov, Amazing Woman!!

This article is so powerful, as so many others have previously expressed. I am going through a similarly terrifying blessing just now. I'm engaged to my best friend who was truly unrelenting. I remember the moment I looked into his eyes crying and asked him not why do you love me, but, how is it that you love me so much? I had finally accepted that he does. He just does. It was then that I loked him straight in the eye and said, "I am going to marry you." Thanks for the story-your story-you brave, holy, sacred woman living, really living, in this world. It says in Pirkei Avot, "Who is a hero? The one who conquers his inclination." You didn't go with what you were inclined to do, but instead with what you really deeply sought. I never realized before this about the verbal,intellectual jousting of my previous relationships-I know exactly what you're talking about! You are a precious woman and I thank you so much for sharing this story with us!! I'll also be showing it to my adoptive parents who don't seem to understand sometimes that joking about how I need to be "a little less in the clouds" is entirely uncalled for! Cheers, Rebecca. You deserve all the mazal tov and blessing in the world. May H' bless you and your Chattan with sweet success in your courageous and worthy (ad)venture!!
I also bless you that you and your Chattan continue to recognize the true amazingness you embody, shown so clearly by your courage to even try.

(14)
Anonymous,
May 15, 2001 12:00 AM

This was an unbelievable article that hit right at home.

(13)
Anonymous,
April 17, 2001 12:00 AM

Thank you.

Just a simple word of thanks for summing up my feelings so well.

(12)
Anonymous,
April 16, 2001 12:00 AM

Life goes on....

Ms Appelson through her writing reflects a strength, wit, and intellect that surely has been fortified by her childhood experiences. As painful as divorce is for children, those like Ms. Appelson can work to learn and remember not only the mistakes, but also the positive lessons of self reliance, commitment, and the need for hard work in a marriage.... to keep it fulfilling and worthwhile. "Trust" indeed has to be earned ... her mother was right. The author coming out of her 20's is able to accept that one's life is what YOU make it, not anything close to the Hollywood version of fairytale romances.
Sounds like Ms Appelson has made a superb choice to realistically face the world and accept all the wonder, glory, and opportunity that awaits.
Thank you for an inspirational article I will share with my daughter.

(11)
John Gumprecht,
April 14, 2001 12:00 AM

love does too conquer all, so there!

ok einsteins unified field theory said that all the physical laws of the universe have their root in a single all powerfull force that literally binds reality together. Einsteins equation came out to be theta/zero representing speed/time. at an infinite speed you are everywhere in the universe at once so einstein called it 'Godspeed.' It is written that 'God is Love.' Hillel said that 'the Torah is this: Love thy neighbor as thyself...all else is commentary'...so what if einsteins 'unifying field' is Love? That means that Love is what binds the fabric of reality together and that it is our straying from it that caused cosmic repercussions resulting in the end of eden, subsequent flood, and the horrrible horrible state of affairs that is marriage in the us today? And by golly some of us still believe in true love and destiny!! Ya gotta BELIEVE!
-John

(10)
Y F,
April 13, 2001 12:00 AM

A truly amazing /moral bearing story

I hope that Ms. Appelson comes out with a book!!! I think there are several crucial lessons to be learned about this unbelievable story. First, how to speak to your children and caution them about harmful things, or people without harming them emotionally. And the author herself points this out when she says:"...The grown up version of a child scarred by her parent's divorce...of making the same mistake my parents did. Of going through the same hell they did..." I'd like to take this just one step further. Instead of focusing on the actual events of what happened, let's take a look from another angle and see what the mother told her daughter during the horrible process. She says: "Always take care of yourself, Beck. Never trust that a man will take care of you.". Such harmful and poisonous words to a child who, especially at that tender age is so vulnerable. First & foremost, parents have to be EXTREMELY careful when delivering a message to their children. One very good book on this topic is: "Your children should know" by Flora Colao(may be misspelled) and Tamar Hossansky(is probably misspelled). This book -as the authors point out well-is for anyone who interacts with children, or is involved w/them on a regular basis. It gives the reader points in how to caution children about danger in a safe way without "scarring" them for life. This is my first point. This story shows us only too well the consequences of what happens when parents are very lax with how they approach their childen regarding sensitive matters such as this. Sometimes the saying: "Words can be a powerful weapon" can be an understatement. One never knows what kind of impact his or her words will have on s/one else and for how long. We have to measure what we wish to say to any one before the words leave our mouth-ESPECIALLY with children. As a career counselor once told me, words are like a bird once they leave (your mouth) you can't take them back. Saying "I didn't mean it" is like telling a hungry lion you didn't mean to take his steak away(well maybe not exactly but the point remains). Now I'd like to ponder on some other critical aspects of this amazing story(& I repeat that because I think it is). She says: "It was the simple insistence of this kind man saying,'I want you to be completely yourself w/me, Rebecca." Those simple,yet heartfelt and sincere words opened up a totally new world for Rebecca-a world she had not known before. He let her know that he was THERE for her in her time of need. This is what all women want, support-not just financial(though that helps too) but emotional as well. Both are equally important(actually emotional may be more vital in a relationship). Another point is that this concept called "love" should not be fatasized about. People think that you have to "fall in love" or get "swept off your feet" and "living happily ever after". Any one who is waiting for their "kmight in shining armor" should stop watching soap-operas and/or listening to love songs all day, unless they want to live a life of fantasy. Once again, as Rebecca Appelson points out:" I have learned that no marriage is perfect and that one size does not fit all. The essential ingredients are love and respect for one another, a shared vision of the future and, above all, a commitment to work it out." I think that those last 2 lines sums up in a nut shell what marriage is REALLY about. Let's not forget that we are humans and are not perfect. As such, marriage can not be perfect bec. it involves a union of 2 people, mortal human beings. But with the right kind of love, and respect, there also comes trust somewhere in between. And when you love s/one the right way, not only do you get to put trust in them, but you tend to forgive the other person for a wrong doing. Let us hope that we take this story to heart & learn how to love someone and how to cotinue building a beautiful Jewish Nation.

(9)
dale priorsky,
April 12, 2001 12:00 AM

manuer

this ending is so unrealistic

(8)
Anonymous,
April 12, 2001 12:00 AM

Response to Rebecca

Well written, two-hanky article. I can relate so well to Rebecca's feelings eventhough I am several steps behind her. Sometimes the process of finding a husband can feel hopeless. One wonders why one doesn't even have the remotest spark for that "really nice guy". And other relationships are messy or painful. Time flies by and that willing knight "in shining armor" doesn't seem to arrive on the scene. Living through one's twenties begins as a situation of anticipation which can move toward anxiety, depression, and even jadedness. For myself, I hope that gentleman, with whom I can be myself completely, will someday soon show himself. All friends and family I have spoken with have said that there is someone out there for all of us. For now, I just hope they are right.

(7)
Anonymous,
April 12, 2001 12:00 AM

fantastic true scary

But the armor is so heavy... and familiar...

(6)
Anonymous,
April 9, 2001 12:00 AM

This aritcle was timely for both the generation and for me, personally. I am in the hideous middle of an angry divorce while, at the same time trying to raise my children with an enthusiastic 'eye' regarding thier own futures. on some days it takes super-human effort to face my teen-aged daughters and not display my rage and sadness. this article provided an honest 'glimpse-into-the-future' and will, hopefully, serve as a guidepost for my own actions.

I was particularly floored by appleson's wise observation: "the essential ingredients are love and respect for one another, shared visions of the future and above all, a committment to work it out." while there are no guarantees that someone agreeing to this will have the ability or desire to carry-out same, it must absolutely be on the 'discussion table' when readying for serious, life-long committment. my fiance and i held no-such talks. if memory serves me correctly, we spent many hours staring into each others' eyes and seeing what we wanted to see. most of the time we saw reflections of ourselves and not into the soul of the other. . . . .

(5)
Chezi Goldberg,
April 8, 2001 12:00 AM

Touches My Heart

Your piece is splendid Rebecca. It touched my heart and pierced my soul.
I work with street kids.I have heard your story so many times. Kids scarred by the boxing ring of divorce. No one ever wins. Especially not the children.

But, there is hope. And that is what you so beautifully convey!

Mazal Tov!

(4)
,
April 2, 2001 12:00 AM

I can totally relate!

I come from a family that practices verbal abuse and my parents have an unhealthy relationship. My brother and myself are terrified of marriage due to the bad example given from them. I had to learn from others and Judaism how one needs to act in marriage. We hope for the best.

(3)
Dahlia B.,
April 1, 2001 12:00 AM

Yashar koach!

My goodness, Ms. Appelson, could you be describing my own life! Underlying my long-standing fervent desire to find Mr. Right and marry him--and always ending up with Mr. Wrong!--was my trenchant terror that I would end up trapped in misery, dependent on a raging beast appallingly lacking in any moral sensibility.

From the college days, "when my hair changed shades to fit my mood," (in my case, blonde, chestnut brown, black, and blazing red!), and "when I tried different ideologies with equal abandon" including "radical feminis[m]"; to the awareness that "serial monogamy offer[s] no protection from...pain," having relationships characterized by intellectual intensity rather than genuine intimacy; to the earnest study of self-help books and case histories of successful marriages, hoping to beat the decree of fate; to having "lost the luxury of being swept off my feet"-- chas v'shalom I should ever 'fall in love' again! it's a state of pure insanity!-- your essay speaks to me so poignantly. Thank you for your honesty. Yashar koach!

May your marriage be blessed, may you and your Chosson share many simchas, living long and healthy lives, and may your partnership be a blessing to k'lal Yisroel. Mazal tov!!!

(2)
Hadassah gilbey,
April 1, 2001 12:00 AM

Becoming a bride

How beautifully written this story was. It however made me so sad to think that one day my daughters will share these initial feelings. I divorced when the girls were 12 and10. The only difference with us is that I do believe in marriage and desperately(!) want to find the right person to live the rest of my life with. I wish you much happiness in your new life!

(1)
Jane Topp,
April 1, 2001 12:00 AM

Beautiful writing. It may comfort you to know that I was full of the same fear at the point of re-marriage,especially because he has three children.I had been widowed in my previous marriage and been through hell with my older step children from that marriage so was terrified of history repeating itself.I guess no risk is no pain but having lived like that for 10 years between, it was very lonely and unchallenging.Hashem takes such a risk in His love for us for we are so often unfaithful...yet He never ceases to love us and wait on our return to Him. I have found that through Him,trusting in Him who will never fail me, I can take risks again.And looking back 7 years now it was worth the risk most of the time.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...