South Park/Season 2

South Park (1997-) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.

Announcer: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage… will not be seen Tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

[Terrance farts]

Phillip: Terrance, you farted in court.

Terrance: Yes Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense.

Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! J Accuse, Terrance.

Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

Phillip: Yes please. [Terrance farts]

Terrance: That's called the Monkey Claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.

Phillip: The Monkey Claw is smelly.

Scott: I hate you and I wish you both had cancer!

Phillip: Cancer?

Scott: Yes, in the head.

Terrance: Head cancer?

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day.

Terrance: Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not?

Scott: I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [starts waving his arms in front of them; pause]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Phillip: Cancer?!

Scott: That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind!

Terrance: [hides behind Phillip] Ugh! Stop that!

Phillip: Hey, Don't give me cancer!

Scott: What are you idiots doing?

Terrance: We're looking for treasure.

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?

[Officer Barbarady, who is at the time illiterate, finds a note saying "another chicken gets it tomorrow." He is then asked what it says]

Officer Barbarady: Oh, it says... "Sorry I had sex with the chicken! I won't do it again, bye-bye!" Well, there you have it, case closed.

Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: God Damn it!!

Mayor: The Chickenf*cker struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the "chicken lover."

Mayor's assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Mrs. Crabtree[slams the brakes on, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny] Okay, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!! [points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving]

Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.

Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.

[the bus comes to a halt at a road block]

Mrs. Crabtree: GOD! [a sign says "Road closed due to avalanche"] OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! [another sign says, "Detour at your own risk." She starts up the bus and takes the detour]

Mrs. Crabtree: [spins around] WHAT DID YOU SAY?! [turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn] Whoa-oh. [she slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill] Oh, my God!!! Aagggh! [the kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down]

Kids: Aaggh!

Kyle: I'm scared!

Mrs. Crabtree: Be quiet, kid!

[the kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river, and over a waterfall, straight down]

All: Aggghhhh!

Cartman: [finished his cake] All gone.

Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! [students groan in pain] I SAID QUIET, OR ELSE I'LL KILL THE BUNNY!! [students notice and are immediately quiet]

Mrs. Crabtree: Don't get off the bus or a big scary monster will eat you! [she gets off the bus]

Mr. Garrison: Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.

Stan: That's good.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

Kyle: Yep.

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.

Stan: Right.

[Flashback scene to when the boys were toddlers, and are playing with fireworks. Stan and Kyle set off a little rocket, to their amusement. Kenny is holding a firecracker, and blows his head off.]

Toddler Stan: Oh gosh, killed Kenny!

Toddler Kyle: Oo bastoods!

[Rats converge on baby Kenny's headless corpse.]

[Chef was vacationing on an island while the snake ravaged the country. After blowing the snake up, the townspeople are seen trying to clean up the mess, but as a result of all the ash in the air, it looks like they're all in Blackface]

Chef: Okay! Everybody get into line, so I can whoop all yo' asses!

[The snake breaks down Jimbo and Ned's cell wall]

Jimbo: Holy crap, what the heck is that?

Ned: It looks like my ex-wife!

[The boys have called Chef for advice on how to deal with the Ash Snake]

Tom: Well, how about we explore our sexuality? [they start to make out]

Cartman: I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of—

Gerald: [reading] "'My Final Solution' by Kyle Broflovski. My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps." WHAT!? "If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people, and there won't be any hunger, poverty or homeless people, 'cause they'll all be dead. The End." Oh God, what have I done?

Stan: We cut firewood all day yesterday; we've got enough to last twelve years!

Roy: [tormented] When will you let me in? Let me love you! [normal] Now get your ass out here and help me!

Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?

Sharon Marsh: What are you doing, sweetheart?

Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and--

Sharon Marsh: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress, and then it's the way I cook. I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your god damn cookie!

[she leaves]

Stan: Okay.

Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips.

Kyle: What? I'm not kissing a girl!

Stan: Don't be a chicken dude, just close your eyes.

[Kyle hesitates, then relaxes. Bebe moves forward and plants a kiss on his lips]

Chef: Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!

Kyle: Wow! Elton John's house is bigger than Cartman's ass!

Cartman: No it isn't, you guys.

[repeated line]

Record Exec: I AM ABOVE THE LAW!

Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it: That does not make sense! Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

Johnnie Cochran: Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey! [jury member's head explodes]

Kyle: Dude, why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?

Shop Owner: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.

Stan: So you just built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?

Shop Owner: Hell no! I dug up all the bodies, pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.

Kyle: Why?

Shop Owner: Why? I don't know why, I was drunk!

Kyle: Did you get the pumpkin, Kenny?

Kenny: Uh-huh. [puts a squash on the table]

Cartman: What the heck is that?

Kenny: It's all I could afford!

Evil Cartman: [singing]You guys are my best friendsThrough thick and thin, we've always been togetherFour of kind, having fun all dayPalling around, and laughing awayJust best friends, best friends are we!I love you, guys.

Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. We understand that there are hostages and that the situation is critical, so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block. If it isn't Palmoral, you're going to get cancer.

George Bailey: You can't go around buying people off, Mr. Potter. Do you know what you are? You're a little bitch. That's right, you're a bitch and I bet you'd like to suck it, now wouldn't you?