From: anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ (Part I) I-II
Date: 19 Mar 1995 18:37:37 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 159
Message-ID: <3kim91$3f1@nyx10.cs.du.edu>
KIDDIE PORN The FAQ Part I
****** A Guerrilla's Guide to Child Pornography on USENET *******
(Posted weekly to: alt.binaries.pictures.d;
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.d; alt.sex.pictures.d;
alt.sex.stories.d; alt.answers; and alt.newusers)
Prepared by: Father Guido Sarducci (anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Part I: General Background on child pornography on the internet
Part II: How to stop kiddie-porn and other topics of interest
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CONTENTS: PART I (General)
----------------------------------------------
I. INTRODUCTION
II. WHAT IS "KIDDIE-PORN?"
III. WHERE CAN I FIND "KIDDIE-PORN?"
IV. WHO POSTS "KIDDIE-PORN?"
V. HOW CAN I VIEW "KIDDIE-PORN?"
------------------------------------------------
(Note: The author is indebted to the many net-cops who, over the
years, have fought a continuing battle against the forces of
darkness: against the pedophiles and communists, the rapists and
perverts, the faggots and democrats. You know who you are! YOU
are the real "heroes" of the 'net! God bless you one and all!)
I. INTRODUCTION:
You've heard about it, read about it, maybe even seen stories
about it on t.v. We all know that sexuality has fallen like a wet
blanket over our struggling country. It has insinuated itself into
the very fabric of our moral lives. It has made a mockery of our
institutions and is destroying our youth. It is at the heart of
our continuing descent into chaos and degradation; quite simply,
it is the source of all things evil in America. And worse than any
abomination, worse than torture, war, death and pain, there is
"KIDDIE-PORN!"
Many of us have purchased our first internet account (with one
of the God-fearing carriers such as that fine institution, America
On Line, one hopes!) with the sole purpose of searching out every
scrap of scurrilous child pornography which, as we all know, in our
heart of hearts, pervades the airwaves and the heathen wires of the
internet. "Curious minds want to know!" is our banner. And if
there is anything in the world we know, we know this: anything
disgusting, horrible, and perverted that the human mind can imagine
(and much it probably cannot) has happened, and is happening, even
as you read this. Everywhere, evil things occur, and we do not
even know that they happen. Oh, we know they happen, but we can't
**see** them, we can't **hear** them, we can't **read about** them.
All we can do is spend our days and nights _imagining_ them. And
we have a RIGHT to know when nasty, naughty things happen. We have
a right to see it, hear it, and read about it. The First Amendment
is not for sicko "KIDDIE-PORNERS," exclusively!
It is with this in mind that this FAQ has been prepared.
Please mail any suggestions for updates or other comments to:
Father Guido Sarducci, anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu.
II. WHAT IS "KIDDIE-PORN?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #1: NEVER define clearly and
unambiguously what you mean by "KIDDIE-PORN!"
---------------------------------------------------------
We all know what KIDDIE-PORN is, right? We know it when we
see it, read it, or hear it. Remember the golden rule: if YOU
think it's KIDDIE-PORN, then it's KIDDIE-PORN! If we let the
faggots on the Supreme Court define it, we lose! NEVER, EVER,
EVER, EVER get into a logical argument with a pornographer (i.e.,
a liberal democrat) over the meaning of KIDDIE-PORN. They will tie
you up like a pretzel with mustard sauce! They will stomp on you
and spit you out like so many rhetorical crumbs. Logic and
science, as all real Americans know, is only a tool of the devil.
And most of all, remember that KIDDIE-PORN is ONE word! If
asked what you mean by "kiddie" (i.e., anyone under 45 years of
age) and what you mean by "porn" (i.e. anything at all to do with
sex, even REMOTELY), the best reply is always: "I can't define it,
I don't even know what the law is on it, but I sure know it when
I see it, and I don't like it at all!" This should be repeated
several thousand times, like a Gregorian Chant, until it pours
forth from your lips like saliva into a dribble cup.
(Just between you and I, and NEVER repeat this to anyone, but
"KIDDIE-PORN" is anything that makes your pee-pee go "boing!" Now
say 50 "Hail Marys," and forget I told you this.)
I trust that all your questions, regarding what "KIDDIE-PORN"
is, have been answered satisfactorily.
Tomorrow, I will post parts III, IV, and V. of the FAQ, Part I
Until then: MEA CULPA! MEA CULPA!
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci
From: anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: KIDDIE PORN The FAQ Part I III-V
Date: 20 Mar 1995 09:13:11 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 119
Message-ID: <3kk9in$hkp@nyx10.cs.du.edu>
KIDDIE PORN The FAQ Part I (Continued)
****** A Guerrilla's Guide to Child Pornography on USENET ******
(Posted weekly to: Alt.binaries.pictures.d;
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.d; alt.sex.pictures.d;
alt.sex.stories.d; alt.answers; and alt.newusers)
Prepared by: Father Guido Sarducci, SJ (anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu)
Last Updated: March, 1995
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
III. WHERE CAN I FIND "KIDDIE-PORN?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's RULE #2: Where there's smoke, there's KIDDIE-
PORN!
-------------------------------------------------------------
We all know that KIDDIE-PORN is ubiquitous and endemic. You
will find it EVERYWHERE. In a word, it's *universal* (i.e.,
catholic). Trust me: I've found it in Sears and J C Penny
catalogues, I've found it in the NY TIMES, I've found it in REDBOOK
and SEVENTEEN magazines, I've even found it in THE LADIES HOME
JOURNAL (Johnson $ Johnson Baby Powder thought they could slip that
ad past me! Ha! You should have seen the letter I wrote to them!)
Here on the INTERNET, you will also find it wherever there are
"binaries," i.e., pictures. And in ALT.SEX.STORIES. In THAT
group, every story has at least SOME reference to KIDDIE-PORN! And
in the "binaries hierarchy," (a literal den of iniquity), it
festers and oozes in gigabytes!
I currently have three pentium-processor computers in the
rectory downloading pictures and stories 24 hours a day. You
wouldn't believe the things I've seen and read. It's enough to
make a jaded whore blush. I've never been so disgusted since the
year I had my confirmation classes blacking out all the naughty
parts in PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE with markers. (Strange.... I never had
such perfect attendance before or after..) Anyway, I'd like to see
YOU explain to your congregation why you spent $13 grand of the
parish's money on thousands of PENTHOUSE MAGAZINES. Holy Mother of
God! My butt was in HOT water!
The point is: if you look hard enough, YOU WILL FIND IT!
Trust me! I've spent the last few years of my life doing little
else except looking for it. (Okay, so I do a Mass once in a while.
But then it's back to the old uudecode program for me!)
(BTW, if anyone wants to see all the KIDDIE-PORN I've
accumulated, email me and I'll send you a few megabytes. I'll need
proof that you're over 45 years old, that you go to confession
regularly, and that your name is Jerry Falwell, though....)
IV. WHO POSTS "KIDDIE-PORN?"
Liberal Democrats.
V. HOW CAN I VIEW "KIDDIE-PORN?"
"Get a clue you AOL losers...." oops! Now why did that pop
out of my mouth? Very strange indeed! Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
Basically, you need to read the alt.binaries.pictures FAQ
(Frequently Asked Questions) on downloading and viewing KIDDIE-
PORN. It belongs next to your Gideon's Bible! Download a copy,
follow the instructions, and presto! KIDDIE-PORN!
Remember: KIDDIE-PORN is in the eye of the beholder! The
more time you spend beholding it, the more you'll see! And the
more you see, the more you'll want to see! And the more you want
to see, the more.... oops! There I go again. Sheesh! I gotta
stop seeing Mother Theresa Dingleschnitz at 3 am in the morning....
Anyway, the #1 main question you're now asking yourself is:
HOW DO WE STOP IT? What can **I** do to end this vomitus? I will
post the answers to all your questions tomorrow in:
KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ Part II
Blessed are the well-connected, for they shall inherit the earth!
Until tomorrow!
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ
From: anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ Part II
Date: 20 Mar 1995 14:47:58 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 236
Message-ID: <3kkt6e$321@nyx10.cs.du.edu>
KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ Part II
**** A Guerrilla's Guide to Child Pornography on USENET ****
(Posted weekly to: alt.binaries.pictures.d;
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.d; alt.sex.pictures.d;
alt.sex.stories.d; alt.answers; and to alt.newusers)
Prepared by: Father Guido Sarducci, SJ (anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu)
Last Update: March, 1995
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Part I: General background on child pornography on the internet
Part II: How to stop kiddie-porn and other topics of interest
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CONTENTS: Part II How to Stop KIDDIE-PORN
-------------------------------------------------
I. WHO SHOULD I WRITE TO AND WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
II. CAN I MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST?
III. HOW CAN GOD LET KIDDIE-PORN HAPPEN?
IV. DOES THE POPE KNOW ABOUT KIDDIE-PORN?
V. HOW CAN WE STOP KIDDIE-PORN ON USENET?
VI. DO PRO-ABORTION PEOPLE SUPPORT KIDDIE-PORN?
VII. WHERE CAN I FIND MORE KIDDIE-PORN?
--------------------------------------------------
I. WHO SHOULD I WRITE TO AND WHAT SHOULD I SAY?:
----------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #3: If it isn't fixed, don't break it!
----------------------------------------------------------------
What do I mean by Rule #3? Basically, we're doing pretty darn
good right now. There's no reason to get our pantyhose all in a
bunch and make fools of ourselves by writing hysterical letters to
our congressmen and congresswomen. A well thought-out, REASONABLE
letter is 100 times better than a weepy, babbling, paranoid "nut-
case" letter, like we are often wont to send. I should know; I've
written thousands of them. Don't get me wrong. I understand that
this is an EMOTIONAL issue. Being REASONABLE and LOGICAL has
nothing to do with religion and GOD, as we all know. But writing
an articulate, mature letter will get you farther than you ever
imagined!
The following is an excellent example. It's a letter I
recently sent to President Clinton about KIDDIE-PORN. Feel free to
change the names and use it for your own!
===================================================================
President Bill Clinton
The White House
Washington, DC
Dear President Bill:
Greetings! May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord
make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you! May the
Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and grant you Peace!
1. I AM SICK OF KIDDIE-PORN!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I am NOT a weirdo, so don't trash-can my letter!
3. I didn't vote for you, you egg-sucking, liberal, protestant,
commie, gay-loving, left-wing, scaley-scrotumed democrat!
There, now that we know where we both stand, allow me to
introduce myself. I am **your name here** . Please use your
offices to help put a stop to one of the great scourges of modern
times: KIDDIE-PORN!
If NEWT GINGRICH were president, SEX would be outlawed!! Get
a clue, you dingleberry. It's time to grow up stop with all the
'60s, flowerchild, new-age crap!
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ
P.S. Can I have an autographed picture, please?
P.S.S. How's Hillary? What a babe!!
===================================================================
As you can see, being REASONABLE and MATURE creates an
impression that one actually knows what one is talking about.
Trust me: we NEED such an impression. So get those pens out and
fire up that e-mail!
II. CAN I MAKE A CITIZEN'S ARREST?:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #4: It's better if 1,000 innocent people
rot in jail than to allow one KIDDIE-PORNER to go free!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Absolutely, you can make a citizen's arrest! I carry two sets
of handcuffs with me at all times. I'm not sure where the best
place is to buy them, but I got mine at a somewhat disreputable
establishment in Times Square that sold things called "Bondage and
Discipline paraphanelia." In the name of stopping KIDDIE-PORN, one
is often forced to visit places and look at things one normally
would avoid. I now go there weekly (in the name of stopping
KIDDIE-PORN, of course!)....and they've given me many leads for new
sources of KIDDIE-PORN.
I've arrested literally thousands of people. And, the Lord
willing, one day I will actually get a conviction!!! The point is
NEVER STOP ARRESTING PEOPLE! The more people arrested, the less
KIDDIE-PORN! The less people arrested, the more KIDDIE-PORN!
Simple, isn't it? I also think everyone in the Entertainment
Industry should be arrested on general principles. I once tried to
arrest Barry Manilow, but it turned out to be an imposter. Boy,
was *I* embarrassed! (I **LOVE** his music!!!!) I know what
you're thinking: Who would stoop so low as to impersonate Barry
Manilow? The answer: a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT\KIDDIE-PORNER!
I will continue Part II of _KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ_ tomorrow.
"Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of socialized
medicine, we will fear no evil, for NEWT is with us!"
--Psalms, something or other...
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ
P. S. For all of those sending binaries to my email address, who
want me to tell them if it's KIDDIE-PORN or not, please stop. Use
this rule of thumb: if you're not sure, then it's KIDDIE-PORN!
Thanks!
From: anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ Part II Conclusion
Date: 22 Mar 1995 08:22:17 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 194
Message-ID: <3kpfb9$1ug@nyx10.cs.du.edu>
KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ Part II (Continued)
**** A Guerrilla's Guide to Child Pornography on USENET ****
(Posted weekly to: alt.binaries.pictures.d;
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.d; alt.sex.pictures.d;
alt.sex.stories.d; alt.answers; and to alt.newusers)
Prepared by: Father Guido Sarducci, SJ (anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu)
Last Update: March, 1995
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Part II: How to stop KIDDIE-PORN and other topics of interest:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
III. HOW CAN GOD LET KIDDIE-PORN HAPPEN?:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #5: If God had meant for there to be
KIDDIE-PORN, He would have made Shirley Temple Black President!
------------------------------------------------------------------
We are now entering my area of expertise: theoretical
theology! (I 4-pointed Father McClellan's course on "God and
Freud: Did Jesus Suffer From an Oedipus Complex?" at seminary.)
This mystical, shrouded area of metaphysics is not easily explained
to mere lay people. I have spent almost a day or two going over
many dust covered and ancient books of wisdom by our church
fathers. I also checked in with the Pope on this, but he hasn't
gotten back with me yet. (He NEVER returns my calls! That's what
happens when you get really big! I knew his cousin, and he was a
real SNOT...) I even called Jim and Tammy Baker, but their line
was disconnected (whatever happened to those two? Talk about a fun
couple; they were a riot!).
See, it's like this: God gave us FREE WILL (which is a REAL
good thing!) and in order to have FREE WILL, we have to be able to
choose between Good and Bad. If there was no Bad, we wouldn't be
able to CHOOSE it, which means we would be sort of like robots.
Got it? I know it's complicated and all, but if you think about
it, it makes sense. So, in essence, Bad stuff (like KIDDIE-PORN)
is really *good* because we need it for FREE WILL. If there wasn't
KIDDIE-PORN, (or any other BAD things, such as welfare or Pee Wee
Herman) we wouldn't be able to choose it, which means we would be
FORCED to be good. And the last thing God wants to do is to FORCE
us to do what's right. Which is why He gave us Bad stuff. (I wish
my MOTHER would have taken a lesson from GOD!)
Boy, I don't know about you, but my head is spinning!
(I get the same disoriented feeling when I think about one of those
terribly complicated moral\ethical dilemmas on my favorite TV
program: "Doogie Howser, MD").
IV. DOES THE POPE KNOW ABOUT KIDDIE-PORN?:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #6: What we don't know will never hurt us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Boy, I'm not sure about this one. If anyone out there's
talked to the Pope recently, send me some email on this.
Personally, I'm kind of worried.... Have any of you noticed how
PASTY and FAKE-LOOKING His makeup has been lately in His public
appearances? And I could be mistaken, but I'm almost sure I
noticed His eyes were DILATED! I don't want to start any rumors,
but....
The last time I saw someone who looked like His Holiness, it
was a wino on Broadway who had tinkled in his pants and was picking
a booger out of his nose. (Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?)
Well, I'll keep trying to get through to Him. They're giving
me a pretty hot time in the front office, though.
V. HOW CAN WE STOP KIDDIE-PORN ON USENET?:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #7: The more flame-bait, the better!
------------------------------------------------------------------
As everyone who has read this FAQ by now knows, KIDDIE-PORN
can be found EVERYWHERE on the internet. But most especially, you
can find it in ALT.SEX.STORIES and in
ALT.BINARIES.PICTURES.EROTICA.
Regarding pictures of KIDDIE-PORN, every second or third post
to a.b.p.e. (alt.binaries.pictures.erotica) is guilty. As you will
see, though, THERE ARE HARDLY ANY BINARY POSTS LEFT!!! That's
because all the posts are TALK about KIDDIE-PORN!!
Now I'm gonna tell you a secret. I don't want ANYBODY to know
this except you: THERE ARE ONLY THREE PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD
WHO POST COMPLAINTS ABOUT KIDDIE-PORN! (They are yours truly,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ; Stanley Crumplik -a "sanitation
engineer" from Brooklyn; and Beatrice Crenshaw - who works behind
the counter at Wendy's somewhere in Jersey; ---remember, DON'T tell
ANYONE. I promised them I would NEVER tell...)
How is this possible, you ask? Here's the amazing thing: On
the internet, one person can get LOTS of different accounts on
DIFFERENT servers, and you can call yourself different names!!! I
know, it sounds incredible, but that's what we do. Every time you
read one of those complaints, its really me, Stanley, or Beatrice!!
We got together about two years ago at a Howard Johnson's
(HOJO's has the BEST jello salad in the WORLD!) in Hoboken and
planned this whole thing out. (If this gets out, you guys, they're
gonna kill me. PLEASE don't go blabbing this around.....)
So, you ask, what can I do? Simple: get a bunch of different
accounts, and start FLAMING!!!!! Remember: keep ANY thread on
KIDDIE-PORN going, even if you have to pretend you SUPPORT KIDDIE-
PORN. And always start NEW threads whenever possible.
Presto: All TALK and no KIDDIE-PORN!!
VI. DO PRO-ABORTION PEOPLE SUPPORT KIDDIE-PORN?
Yes.
VII. WHERE CAN I FIND MORE KIDDIE-PORN?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Father Guido's Rule #8: Seek and Ye Shall Find!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Most anyplace you look, actually. I recently found out that
R. B. Dalton bookstores have a secret section on KIDDIE-PORN. But
you gotta have a secret password. (Don't tell them I told you.
I'm not getting along too good with them ever since I gave the
password out to my Thursday Night Bingo group.)
END OF FAQ
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Well, that's all for now. I'm going on a week's vacation to
Roma! (I haven't had half-way decent pasta since I was there last)
In the meantime, WRITE TO ME! When I get back, I plan on
starting to post a new series: LETTERS TO FATHER GUIDO
I promise to edit the headers so no-one will know who you are!
It'll be sort of like an ANN LANDERS column for Catholic persons
interested in KIDDIE-PORN, SEX, the INTERNET and PEE WEE HERMAN.
Until then, friends.....
Father Guido says: "If you have to ask, you can't afford it!"
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ
From: anon34f5@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: Father Guido says: STOP SENDING ME KIDDIE-PORN!
Date: 21 Mar 1995 07:06:18 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 25
Message-ID: <3kmmgq$2pc@nyx10.cs.du.edu>
Okay you guys, that does it! I've asked politely, now I've gotta
put my foot down!
STOP SENDING ME KIDDIE-PORN!!!
I know your hearts are in the right place, and you mean well, but
I've got KIDDIE-PORN up to my NOSE-HAIRS! I've got KIDDIE-PORN falling
out of my pockets! I've got KIDDIE-PORN coming out of my EARS (actually,
the substance in question resembles guacamole. Anybody else have that
problem? I guess I gotta have it checked out...) I've got more
KIDDIE-PORN than a decent person knows what to do with!
Send it to the proper authorities. In fact, send it to
the_president@whitehouse.gov. He'll know what to do with it! Thanks.
Yours in Christ,
Father Guido Sarducci, SJ
P.S. I'll continue posting _KIDDIE-PORN The FAQ_ later today!