Lola on Love: Maybe It's Not New York, It's You

If yes, you have probably noticed that most articles prepare you for the worst. Overrun with bad experiences and sad stories, they tell a sorry tale, but hardly instruct anyone on how to find real love in the Big City.

I agree that New York is a tough city and those who decide to live here are ambitious, hard-working and, let's be honest, have pretty high self-esteem. But isn't that's true for both men and women?

Are New York guys sad and angry, too? Or, as these articles highlight, since there is a bigger ratio of women in the city, do most of them go home to their lofts in Tribeca or co-ops in Brooklyn, to find a line of ladies waiting with roses, lips puckered?

From my personal experience, it doesn't seem like women are knocking down doors for men. I know single girls who will openly turn down a man if he is 1. divorced (translation : "emotionally unavailable"), 2. too old ("not so fun") or 3. not making enough money ("can't align with my lifestyle"). The list can go on and on, but the fact is that there's a list, little boxes women will or won't check on a quest for partnership.

What if instead of actually searching for love, we are focusing a little too much on so called "deal breakers"—and rushing to identify what he is missing instead of what he has going for him? Yes, it is important to know what you want and do everything to get it (I love that NY mentality) but perhaps the women of the 5 borroughs are collectively focusing on the wrong things.

What if rather than blaming men for not finding our own true love, we took some responsibility? I want to write about love and dating, but my point was never to blame men for everything that ails our current dating ecosystem. Being an expat from France, friends thought I would take this opportunity to join that trend and ruminate on the charming Parisian guy I was brought up with, to contrast and complain about the ambitious and self-absorbed New Yorker.

I do love comparing both cultures because they are different in so many ways, especially regarding love (and croissants) but I don't recall ever placing all of the responsibility on a man for love that I didn't receive (well, except that one guy I met on Tinder).

Even if I've been dumped, ignored and sad. Even if I dated guys who were not completely honest with me in the past, the last thing I would like to think of myself as is a victim. Frankly, I think that is what these dating articles encourage.

I wonder, what would happen if we listen less to the stupid rules we create for finding love, or let the stats get us down before we even try, and instead give guys a chance—whatever their stories may be? Maybe we won't all marry who we once imagined to be our soul mate, but if we are looking for real love, it could be closer than we even think.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Harper's BAZAAR participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.