Sunday, December 11, 2011

Oasis Gentlemen's Club (Smithtown, NY)

Quality of dances (8.5/20) – Dances are unremarkable. One-way contact with a relatively skilled grind. Customer-to-dancer contact isn’t actively encouraged, but it’s not totally shut down either. I was dead sober during my dance and thus didn’t really test anyone’s boundaries; I strongly suspect the line is drawn shy of full upper hemisphere contact.

Quality of dancers (7/10) – Given that Oasis looks like a recluse’s murder shed from the outside, I was shocked by the quality of dancers, notwithstanding the fact that the hoochie factor was disappointingly low, much like it was at Café Royale in Farmingdale. Almost without exception (one dancer was well past her prime), these women were beautiful. Knockouts? No, but pretty nonetheless. I think you’ll be plenty satisfied.

Oh, I almost forgot. This is a pastie club. They’ve managed to minimize the impact by placing the tiniest possible covers on their nipples, but they still obscure one of the most beautiful parts of a woman’s body. For that, I’m docking them half a point on dancer quality.

Number of dancers (6.5/10) – Oasis has one of the highest dancer to club size ratios I’ve ever seen. At least a dozen women were working the Friday after Thanksgiving in a shoe-box sized club (see more about this below). In absolute terms, though, the number of dancers isn’t particularly impressive, so the club can only score so high here.

Variety/Diversity of dancers (4/5) – Once you’ve spent some time in New York strip clubs, you start to assume that any new club you visit will be largely populated by the standard mix of women from former Soviet republics. That’s really par for the course. But kudos to Oasis for bucking this trend. The two Belarusians working that night were the exception and not the rule. Looking across the floor, there were two black women, an Asian, and a crop of white girls of varying shapes and sizes. Throw me a couple of Latinas next time and this score is going straight to 5.

Attitude of Dancers (6/10) – Most of the dancers were tied up with their regulars when I was there, so I only got to interact with a few, all of whom were pleasant and fun. Based on my people watching, it looked like most of the occupied customers were having a good time, so I feel confident that attitudes are strong across the board. This also makes sense given the club’s small size. You can’t afford to be an asshole when you’re gonna have to walk by the customer you just alienated like 20 more times that night.

Quick note: The bouncers at this place were great. Total class acts, really nice guys. I was impressed.

Value (4.5/10) – There’s never a cover, which is awesome, but at $7, Bud Lights (no Miller Lite; shame on them) are at least $2 too expensive. Dances are $30, but your average dance cost should always be less than that. I was too dumb to take advantage of this, but it’s apparently buy two dances and get a third free. And if I’m remembering correctly, you can get 15 minutes worth of VIP dances (no different than regular dances, from what I can tell) for $100 or 30 minutes for $175. What’s really sweet is that if you purchase 15 minutes in the VIP, you get unlimited free drinks during that time. I can’t wait for my next visit when I’m not the designated driver and can go to town on that deal.

Dance Setup (3/10) – Dances occur in one of two areas: the dance room or the VIP area. From what I can tell, there’s no difference between the two, expect for their location. Both are curtained/walled off parts of the club that contain a few small leather loveseats. So far, so good, except that there are no dividers between the loveseats, which readers of this blog will recognize as totally unacceptable. The privacy of a walled-off room is an illusion if some goober can sit close enough to me that I could reach over and give him a happy ending. At least it’s dark in the rooms, and the VIP doesn’t have a bouncer sitting outside watching your every move.

Club Setup (3/10) – This club is small. And when I say small, I mean really, really, really small. Of the nearly 200 clubs I’ve visited, there are maybe two that are tinier. That said, they do a nice job with the space they have. When you walk in, the stage is directly in front of you against the right wall. It’s maybe 15 feet long with a single ~7 foot pole. The VIP room is to the right and the dance room and one-person bathroom (which I’m still undecided about) are to the left. On the far side, running the length of the back wall, sits the bar. The rest of the space is filled by maybe eight low-tops and two or three high-tops. All told, the space is used as efficiently as it can be without making the floor impossible to navigate. Be that as it may, the setup still leaves much to be desired.

Club Atmosphere (6/10) – I like the vibe here. In a culture where musical tastes range from headache-producing to suicide-inducing, Oasis somehow filters all of the garbage and comes out with a strong playlist. I’d dim the lighting slightly and take down some of the kitschier accessories, but those are small improvements. The big problem here is that it’s impossible to get lost in the crowd and just mind your business. If you go there, you’re going to be seen. And watched. By pretty much everyone. So be prepared.

Club Accessibility (1/5) – Oasis is right on Route 25, directly across the street from an anatomically correct statue of Whisper, the bull Richard Smith was said to have ridden when establishing the town’s boundaries in the 1600’s. If you live in Smithtown, that’s a highly accessible location. If you don’t, you’re shit out of luck. I’m certain that most of you fall into the latter category.

Overall – I’ve got a few close friends who grew up in Smithtown, and they say that this club has been the subject of local lore for most of their lives, particularly amongst the high school students, most of whom had to pass right by it on the way to school every day. Most of them have never been inside, expecting it to be the shadiest place they could imagine. I’m happy to report that their expectations are wrong. I wouldn’t go out of my way to stop by Oasis, but if I ever find myself in Smithtown again, I’ll definitely swing in for a beer.