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Out of control 4 year old

My daughter just turned 4 and we DAILY have HUGE fits. It is too much for me to handle.. I am 25, in school, working, and trying to enjoy life but it has gotten to the point where I don't expect to get anything done because I know whatever it is that I have planned it will be ruined by a fit that will result in my spending an hour getting her to calm down. I now have grey hair and I am going to have a heart attack if this doesn't stop. I get way out of control and I don't know how to stop it.
We've tried reward systems, talking her through it, completely ignoring her, time out in her room, timeout in a chair, and the 'im out of control im going to yell and freak out back at you' approach..which usually includes a halfass spank (not recommended).
Nothing works. If I ignore her she is at my door with her toys banging repeatedly on the door. For time outs she gets up over and over and I've tried for over an hour to just put her back into her time out chair without saying a word and it never stops. It is almost giving her what she wants..she just wants mom to be there.
This happens AT LEAST once a day. If not two or three times. I feel like I spend more time angry and wanting to just lock her in her room than I do actually enjoying time with her. I want that to change. Help me!!!!

also during her fits she will pee her pants, bang on the door, throw toys, yell 'I hate you' and 'you are stupid'. She is not a spoiled kid. And we are good at sticking to our guns about things: If she throws a fit at the park, we leave right away and don't go back there for a long time. If she wants something and is throwing a fit, she will not get it. I've never been the type to let her win and allow her to behave in bad ways and still receive good things..so I don't know why she stiiilllllllllllll does this.

it's me saying please get your shoes on...then she freaks out. There is no ryme or reason for it sometimes. She has always been this way. Some weeks she seems better and then bam she is a crazy person again. Today she was just crying and whining and pointing at me and wasn't talking (she is a great talker, she was just being naughty and whiney) and we were about to leave to go to a work potluck, but instead me saying "you need to use your words" sent her off and instead of going I just spent the last 1 1/2 listening to her beat on my door and scream.

I think that you seem to change the way you handle this way to often. You have to find something and stick with it until it works. I was going through this with a 3 yo. She would need nearly an hour to calm down, she was forced to stay in time out until she calmed herself down. She is now 4 1/2 and when she gets like this I send her to her room and tell her that she can come back out when she is ready to calm and nice to everyone. I can pinpoint a tantrum before it starts and redirect her before it hits that EPIC status. If you have to stand over her while she is sitting in time out then do it. If she pees her pants don't let her out of timeout to clean up until she calms down. This is something that we made it through. You will get through this I promise. I have a very hard headed, but brilliant child (not just saying this, she truly is) and knows how to push Mommy and Daddy's buttons good. Good luck!!

I don't know the whole story, but you have to understand.... once you have children, they are your #1 priority.. not you anymore. You have to figure out a way to make her behave, understand and learn. If you don't start disciplining now, she will walk all over you. Parenting is not for wimps. It's all about being tough.