Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
1802

Three Wishes
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, kazam! -- she became the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, kazam! -- she became the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever, don't mess with them. Chris N.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
1803

You Know You're Living In The '00s When...1. You have five passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically push "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
12. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
13. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
14. Board members' salaries are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
15. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
16. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
17. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
18. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
19. Your relatives and family describe your job as "he works with computers."
And the clinchers are: 20. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
21. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
22. You think your "jokes group" may have already seen this list, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
23. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the Net.
24. This e-mail has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward it anyway. Keith N.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
1804

An American Soldier
The train was very crowded, so a soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!" Michael Crippen

Thursday

Joke
N°
1805

Gone Fishin'
A young Irish guy moves to New York and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. Once the store was locked up, the manager came down. "So how many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The manager groans, "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid replies, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down by the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Cherokee."
The manager says, "You mean to say a guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat and truck?!?"
The kid replied, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing'." Will Quigley

Friday

Joke
N°
1806

Don't Jump
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge who was threatening to jump, when the station suddenly cut to a commercial.
Brunette: "I bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Blonde: "Okay."
(Back to the newscast: He jumped!)
Blonde: "Okay, I lost. Here's my $20."
Brunette: "No, that was too easy. I can't take it."
Blonde: "I insist. I lost."
Brunette: "I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."
Blonde: "I know! I saw the same newscast at 6:00 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice!" Mason B.

Saturday

Joke
N°
1807

Buttermilk Please
A young man just out of puberty goes to a doctor because of agonizing pain in his penis. The doctor tells him that this is not unusual at his age and instructs the nurse to quickly bring a glass of buttermilk into the examining room. As soon as she does, the doctor tells the young man to dip his penis into it. He experiences immediate relief.
The next day, while eating in a restaurant, the young man again suffers agonizing pain in his penis. He implores his waitress to bring him a glass of buttermilk immediately, which she does. He is in such a hurry to alleviate his pain that he doesn't wait for the waitress to leave, and dips his penis in the buttermilk. She watches enthralled, mouth agape, and exclaims: "So that's how you refill that thing!" Sam Tallow

Sunday

Joke
N°
1808

Mr. Goldstein's Wake
An old man named Mr. Goldstein was spending the last days of his life in a nursing home. One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Barton asked him, "Is there anything wrong?"
"Yes, Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Barton.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But Nurse Barton," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Barton.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing." Johnny C.