Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Introducing my favourite (and first, and only.....so far) grandchild: She was born today and is only 17 hours old in this photo. She weighs 7lbs 2oz and mother and child are doing well. DD1 had a straightforward labour of 14 hours. No pain relief, no stitches, no intervention needed : )

Isnt she the most beautiful baby you have ever seen in the entire world? I held her tonight and my heart just melted!!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

DD2 has lost her baby. She was 12 weeks pregnant. We are all very sad. There seems to be no words of comfort and wisdom at such times. I want to find the right words to help my baby feel better about losing her baby. I want to comfort DD2's husband and shield them both from sadness, but I cant. They are both being brave and sensible at the moment and strong and positive, but they are hurting so much inside. Sometimes life is very painful.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

At the Malvern Quilt show I bought this book and 2 triangle cutting rulers (and some charm squares)

When the dollar was nearly $2 to the £ a few years ago, I bought a Moda Jelly roll and matching layer cake. Last night I liberated them, plus some toning yards of fabric, from my loft.

On Friday DH and DS are being thrown out for a week for a male-bonding cycling holiday on the Yorkshire dales. I am going to be cosy at home with my cats and my baby knitting whilst waiting for No.1 Granddaughter to appear.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

DD2 - the one who got married last month - has announced that she is also expecting a new arrival. The baby is due at the beginning of February so my knitting needles will be smoking : )

I have already gone into the loft to liberate the remains of my PhildarLuxe stash, and have cast on for a matinee jacket. Excited - moi??? LOL

DD1 has 2/3 weeks to go before her due date, so its very exciting here at the moment.

And the knitting - I finished another pair of socks for me. Knitting socks is so soothing and comforting, just the project for times of stress. The yarn is RegiaKaffeFassett sock yarn in the Easter colourway.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I have PTSD and last evening something happened which triggered it off. Since then I have been having panicky feelings and trembling and feeling terrified on and off. I dont know how to make this feeling go. I recognise that it is PTSD, I recognise what triggered it, I am aware that I am not going to die or have something terrible happen to my breathing, yet I am still reacting as if I am in this terrible, terrifying situation. I can sort of control my thoughts, but not my physical reaction.Am I making sense here?Anti-anxiety drugs make me ill and, anyway, I cant predict or prevent something which triggers my PTSD.I just want the fear to stop. I want to either live without fear, or die to stop fearing death.I wish I knew someone in real life who understood PTSD and abuse and being extra sensitive, someone who is not a professional, just an ordinary (?) person like me. I dont have access to psychiatric help any more and anyway, what can they say? I havent toughened up after years of therapy or anything, so more therapy isnt going to change that. Life goes on, then whallop, I am in flashback and back to square one. I'm not scared of death, I am scared of the process of dying and PTSD is like dying over and over again with the same fear,panic, terror, struggling for breath and then days of reaction to it.Sorry to go on but I need to get this out. I feel so alone when this happens and I cant face another 30 years of fear and the fear of fear if you see what I mean. Isnt there more to life than survival????? There must be more to it than that!!I pray and read the bible to try and find meaning, but the fear doesnt go and this sense of peace doesnt happen. Even God has no place for me, or want to help me.

I have made the decision to write this here on my blog in the hope that someone out there knows some answers or stuff that helps. I also want others to be aware of this condition and its effects because, like depression and many other illnesses/conditions, it is invisible and secret and I think there are probably many people like me and perhaps we can support one another and share information if I have the courage to come out and talk about PTSD and its effects.