"Sharp, quirky, and occasionally nettlesome", Walking the Berkshires is my personal blog, an eclectic weaving of human narrative, natural history, and other personal passions with the Berkshire and Litchfield Hills as both its backdrop and point of departure. I am interested in how land and people, past and present manifest in the broader landscape and social fabric of our communities. The opinions I express here are mine alone. Never had ads, never will.

October 28, 2007

Winning the War on Horror

There are some who claim that America is squandering homeland security resources on preparedness projects of questionable merit, while New Orleans is still a depopulated swamp and lower Manhattan could be underwater as well - after it gets rebuilt - thanks to human assisted climate change. This is nonsense. I, for one, feel a whole lot more secure knowing that Lansing's finest have a disaster plan in place to deal with an attack on their city by an army of Zombies, arguably the greatest threat to the American way of life since the introduction of New Coke in 1985, and hope they were able to bury their nose in the federal trough for this one.

"Lansing police and fire crews say they're ready for any attack on our fine city. Officials said Lansing wouldn't be taken by surprise and in a few hours could be armed to the teeth.

'We have been doing mock disasters and cross training for several years,' said Lansing Police Lt. Bruce Ferguson.

'People can feel confident, if zombies start invading, we'll know how to close the streets. We can get chainsaws too. If a swarm comes in on I-496 westbound, we'll block off the exits so they miss the city.'

City officials would not say if they've run zombie-attack scenarios. Mayor Virg Bernero could not be reached for comment.

If the undead did attack, you'd have three options: come up with a detailed escape plan; cower in your basement and wait for help to come; or head out to the nearest store, buy a machete and .357 magnum, steal an SUV and start cracking craniums.

Lansing resident Jen Wagner, 23, who says she's a 'pretty good shot,' said she'd probably go with the third option and spend her time putting bullets in brains.

Despite their claims, Wagner has no confidence in city or state officials protecting her brain from being devoured by some undead vagrant.

'Gauging how the Legislature had problems putting together a budget, they probably can't put together a plan to fight zombies,' she said."

Now I don't believe everything I read on the Internet and neither should you, so when I came across this story while idly Googling "Britney+Spears+Comeback+Dead, I naturally went looking to verify it with credible on-line sources. I found it carried in the UK's Ananovia Quirkies and the New York Post, so you know they didn't just make this stuff up for Hallowe'en. I also found this piece of undead propaganda on a website known to post Zombie manifestos and trust you will agree this is a warning Homeland Security and indeed all right thinking Americans ignore at our peril.

The threat that a potential Zombie hoard would pose to our country cannot be understated. I've seen Dawn of the Dead, and also Red Dawn, and if the Cubans and Ruskies can invade Calumet Colorado, you better believe an army of the damned would wreak untold havoc on the Rust Belt if the police and citizens of Lansing failed to take precautions. Actually, the way the Rockies have been playing against the Red Sox during the World Series, it looks like the Zombies may already be there! Are you making the same connections here that I am, people? Wake up!

But I have to agree with Ms. Wagner, the well armed Lansing resident quoted above. Don't leave the safety and security of you and yours to the government if you want to survive the Zombie onslaught. Let me tell you, a preemptive strike against my neighbors before they are turned into brain-eating zombies and come lurching up my sidewalk may well be part of my family's Zombie attack preparedness plan. Zombie profiling, that's the ticket. If you're ever in Canaan, boy, you better walk right. No shambling gaits and vacant expressions around here or I'll be firing up the McCulloch. It's a blessing that The Founders in their ineffable wisdom gave us the right to bear arms and that Zombie culture is primitive and technologically challenged, or there surely would be Hell to pay come Hallowe'en. So long as Zombies are all we're dealing with, here.