Bribe shortfall forces England’s police to go under-cover...

In an effort to cut costs, now that the bribes from News International have dried up, every police force in the country is to go under-cover. Police stations are to be closed, the properties sold and smaller, more discreet presences maintained in places such as pubs, supermarkets and doctors’ waiting rooms.

Chief of Police, Max Sterling, spelled out what the changes will mean. “We won’t be standing around in police stations any more, waiting for members of the public to wander in and ask rhetorical questions like ‘Will I get my bicycle back?’ We’ll be out on the streets instead, solving crimes. We’re ditching the uniforms too, as another unaffordable extravagance. By posing as bumbling incompetents, we hope to lull the villains into a false sense of security. From today the only person you’ll see in a police uniform will be someone on their way to a fancy dress party.

“Plain-clothes officers will blend in with the population, giving them the opportunity to spot crimes as they are being committed, or, in the case of black people, before any crime has been committed or, indeed, contemplated. You may find a bobby behind the bar of your local, pulling pints, in which case your whispered request for ‘someone to drive the getaway car’ may have unexpected consequences. And, ladies, the man doing a fingertip search of your erogenous zones, ‘looking for clues’, may just be doing a bit of unpaid overtime. Mind how you go”...