Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Top 5 Most Annoying Child Characters Ever

Here is my list of the top 5 most annoying child characters ever. I've restricted my list to movies, human characters only. I dedicate this to Major Upton, and I begin without further introduction.

NUMBER 5: Gloria from Wait Until DarkI happen to think that Gloria belongs at #2, but I'm keeping her at #5 because I know it's pretty irrational that she's on this list at all. Most people don't find her annoying; some find her sweet. Personally, I cannot stand the girl. She's just so stinkin' obnoxious to me. Don't you see it, people? She's got those stupid horn-rimmed glasses, and she's jealous of a blind lady. Jealous of the blind. Yes, Gloria belongs on this list. I don't have a real argument though, so let's move on to number four.

NUMBER 4: The Problem ChildThis character is abhorred universally. I've never even seen the movie, but the child makes the list. The previews tell enough of the story. I think that theoretically the child is supposed to be mischievous but endearing, like a labrador puppy. Unfortunately, he turns out more like a grumpy, yappy, old chihuahua. Did you know they eat dogs in China? Fine country, that.

NUMBER 3: Francis from The Swiss Family RobinsonOy, what can I say about Francis? If I were marooned on an island with him, I'd resort to cannibalism on the second day. The sniveling snot never listens to his parents, and how could anyone ignore Mother and Father? Father builds an intricate collection of tree rooms--skylights included--and Mother maintains elegance and ingenuity amidst desperate circumstances. Francis doesn't care about them. Francis is more concerned with catching his precious tiger and setting off coconut bombs near his loved ones. Is it too much to ask that the tiger capture Francis in the end? How 'bout it, Disney? The boy obsessed with imprisoning the cat is instead ensnared by the very tiger he hunts. Food for thought (and food for the tiger.)

NUMBER 2: Young Anakin from Star Wars: Episode I"Folks, we at the Hat are pleased as punch to present to you today an exclusive interview with ten-year-old Anakin Skywalker, future terror of the galaxies and hero of evil. Before we begin, Ani--may I call you Ani?-- let's test that mic of yours. How's it doing?"

"It's working! It's wooooorking!"

"Great! I'm pleased to see the youth of today so enthusiastic about sound design, even if those youth eventually succumb to the seduction of the dark side. Now, let's jump right into it, as I'm sure our listeners are eager to hear the tale of Darth Vader's early days. Anakin, it is said that the Force has always been strong in your family. In fact, a recent test of your midichlorians (Force-wielding potential, in layman's terms) revealed off-the-chart numbers. Do you consider yourself truly gifted in Force-having, or is it possible the testing instrument is off base here?

"It's working! It's wooooorking!"

"Just as I always suspected. Not only do you believe in that "ancient religion," as Admiral Motti future calls it, you also strongly trust in your own talent. But tell me, young Skywalker, do you believe the future of the galaxy should rest in the hands of the Galactic Senate, or is it more appropriate for one man, say an unsightly, grotesquely wrinkled emperor with an electrifying personality [chuckles] to rule all from a swivel chair? In short, do you believe the senate is fine as is?"

"It's working! It's wooooorking!"

"Mmhmm. Well. [shuffles papers] I'll be interested to see how your views on this subject shift in the coming years. Switching gears for the fashion conscious in our audience, would you say that black is the signature color of the dark side, or will you wear it for its slimming effects? Will you ever consider wearing, say, sunshine yellow for comic irony?"

"What about Jedi mind-tricking officers of the law? Is there an ethical dilemma here or is it a simple matter of survival of the fittest? That's a Darwinian term, by the way. You'll learn it a long time from now in a galaxy far, far away."

"It's working! It's wooooorking!"

[rubs temples] "You are the future lord of the dark side. Do you have anything at all to tell us about your troubled past, about what drives you to evil?

"It's wor..."

"Pack it up, Gary! We're done here."

NUMBER 1: The kid from ShaneI cannot remember the plot from Shane. I only remember the main character's name because it's also the movie title, oh, and because the little boy whineyells "SHAAAAAAAAANE" in a piercing falsetto every thirty seconds. That sound--it is painfully seared on my memory. "Shaaaaaaane! SHAAAAAAANE!" If I remember my facts right (and there's a good chance that I don't), Shane defends the little boy and his mother (and father?) from the bad guys in the end of the movie. Shane wins, but he is mortally wounded. In a final act of bravery (or so we are to believe), Shane puts on a happy face for the family but then rides off into the night to die alone. I theorize that Shane is just faking it to get away from the kid. As he rides away, however, the little boy runs after him calling, "Shaaaaaaane! SHAAAAAAANE!" as though it's not enough that the man has already taken bullets that day. One thing I know for certain: Shane did not go gently into that good night.

So there you have the top 5 most annoying child characters in movies ever. Do you agree? Did I miss any? Do you find these five endearing? If so, do you promise to get a vasectomy/tie your tubes?