Friday

Sep 23, 2011 at 12:01 AMSep 23, 2011 at 10:14 PM

During a vacation stop in South Carolina on Friday, apes continued to voice their refusal to accept the theory that man evolved from them, telling reporters that after watching the recent presidential debates, they "can no longer abide the idea of evolution.”

During a vacation stop in South Carolina on Friday, apes continued to voice their refusal to accept the theory that man evolved from them, telling reporters that after watching the recent presidential debates, they "can no longer abide the idea of evolution.”

“We aren’t sure how man got here but we’re sure it wasn’t through us," they said.

The observation from the apes comes as they prepare this week to release a book, “Keeping the Faith: Saving the Animal Kingdom by Trusting Apes.”

In the book, to be released Tuesday, the apes call for a new “Rethink” period on man’s supremacy and propose major changes to the way market trades are monitored and taxed.

As the earth has rapidly fallen into ruin, largely under the inept stewardship of man, more and more apes have grown increasingly wary of any suggestion that Homo sapiens are a higher, more evolved version of them.

"Let’s just say there are a lot of gaps in this theory,” the apes said.

An ape at the San Diego Zoo told a woman and her son that he regarded evolution as “a theory that's out there” and said he hadn’t heard anything from any of the presidential candidates that hadn’t already been thought through by apes. And a lot of what he heard, he said, wouldn’t stand up to the rigors of an ape debate.

“When you have would-be leaders up there in front of a national audience questioning whether man is contributing to global warming, you have to wonder whether this kind of myth-based thinking represents any sort of advancement in nature,” he said.

The apes have also begun to wonder that if they are a lesser natural expression than man, then why has their economy proven largely recession-proof, even at the height of the financial crisis, and their government remained free of the petty in-fighting over debt-ceiling caps and an overwrought hysteria over taxes?

“I think it would be anti-science and anti-common sense not to question the idea that the way in which the world is governed and managed is a representation of evolutionary advancement,” the apes said during a visit to New Hampshire on Thursday to watch a special showing of the “Rise of the Planet of the Apes.”

The apes’ sudden disavowal of the long-standing acceptance of the Theory of Evolution has thrown major portions of the animal kingdom into a state of apoplexy.

On Thursday, a group of dolphins lamented that the apes’ retreat from established science threatened to undermine centuries of progress in the natural world and return free-thinking animals to the intellectual level of an American politician.

“I think there’s a serious problem the minute an anthropoid becomes the purveyor of an anti-science message,” the dolphins said. “We lose a whole lot of animals — and people — who would otherwise support our efforts. When we take a position that isn’t willing to embrace evolution, when we take a position that basically runs counter to what 98 of 100 primates have said, I think we find ourselves on the wrong side of progress and science, and in a losing position.”

Hawks also scoffed at the apes’ anti-evolution stance, suggesting that the tailless Old World primates were a little full of themselves after receiving movie-star treatment from Hollywood.

“We would suggest the apes take a good hard look in the mirror before trying to tear down the rest of the animal kingdom with this balderdash,” the hawks said.

However, the orangutans were more tempered in their response, acknowledging their concerns that it is quite possible that the animal kingdom could find itself lorded over by an aggressively anti-science, anti-knowledge group, but they did say there are fair grounds for questioning the prevailing theory that man evolved from apes.

Jon Huntsman, a candidate for president who has tried to stake out a middle ground in the race by appealing to old guard Republicans and moderate primates, also sought to tone down the heated reaction to the apes’ statements while affirming his belief in evolution.

“Every day that Rick Perry is on the campaign trail,” Mr. Huntsman noted, “apes look a little more advanced than man by comparison.”

Philip Maddocks can be reached at pmaddocks@wickedlocal.com.

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