Updated: Tuesday, September 26, 2006

MAKE ESPN FAST!!1!1!!$1!

By ESPN Mobile Guyhopefully of ESPN.com

Ok, so we're not really pushing the ESPN Mobiles like we used to. I think we're actually paying people to sign up now. Great, just great, guys. So I've been asked by Bristol to start hocking some of their newer financial products.

I mean, right now you can get a brand spanking new ESPN Credit Card with all sorts of sweet rewards like:

But that's not all, guys. Oh no! ESPN is planning to go all out with a burgeoning new venture, full-service investment house! Enroll in ESPN's new "Worldwide Leader" family of 401(k) mutual funds, today! There are so many options to choose from:

East Coast Bias- a unit investment trust totally focused on the Yankees and Red Sox, total salary weighted.

Big N Roth IRA- Equal investment in each of the companies in the Big Ten portfolio. Matures roughly once every 50 years.

Southern Cal, LLC- a high-risk hedge fund ETF that promises extremely high returns. Though currently running at a 33% success rate, I am legally bound to inform you that the fund may or may not be involved in NCAA or SEC investigations.

Notre Dame Trust- currently mirroring the revenue stream of their NBC TV contract, returns are bound to increase based on expected advertising costs of a six-hour game. BCS monies (when applicable) are not reinvested.

Big East Growth Fund- average returns held in check by a majority in sub-standard holdings. Overall performance is expected to rise...or at least outperform the ACC benchmarks.

Alrighty, so what can we do to get you into one of these programs today? Can I sweeten the deal with an ESPN's "Around the Horn" cordless phone?

ESPN Mobile Guy is currently shilling anything that will keep him in the loop at Bristol. Unfortunately, his commissions still aren't enough to pay rent.