Saturday, November 19, 2016

One of the
powerful forces at work in alienation is “frame-flipping” – portraying the
favored parent as the victim rather than the rejected parent and the children. So rejected parents do not just remarry; they
want to start a new family to turn the children away from the favored
parent. Rejected parents don’t want to
be left in peace to raise their children; they are actually scheming to
marginalize the other parent through court actions. And rejected parents are not
actually victims of the favored parents’ negative influences, but beneficiaries
of a legal system that facilitates their harassment of the favored parent and
the children. This is a more persuasive, more respectable form of bias, one
that does not seek to bad-mouth or name-call, rather to reframe the subject and
create a straw man.

For
example, a rejected mother opposed to her ex’s plan to relocate the children because
she wants to maintain proximity and involvement may be portrayed as
over-controlling and only interested in destroying the father’s chance for
happiness. A rejected father requesting
more parenting time to repair their broken relationship may be accused of being
motivated solely by a wish to pay less child support. One of the most frustrating reframes
encountered by rejected parents is an alienated child’s accusation: “You don’t care about me. I know you don’t.
Because if you did, you would respect my wish never to see you again.” The child is saying, in effect: “The fact
that you are trying to care for me proves that you don’t care for me. I am a
victim of your caring.” Rejected parents also encounter advocates who
declare that the issue is not about rejected parents’ rights or children’s
long-term needs, but rather the children’s rights “to have a voice” – even if
that means losing a parent (would these same advocates support a 12-year-old’s
voice insisting upon the right to drop out of school?)

In these
instances, it is easy for rejected parents to get caught in a circular trap:
justifying their actions and explaining their motivations defensively such that
they run the risk of reinforcing rather than neutralizing the negative
reframe: “You don’t listen, you don’t
care, you don’t respect my feelings and needs, you’re selfish, you don’t consider
any perspective but your own. I knew you
wouldn’t understand.”

To help
offset the pernicious effects of such reframing, rejected parents and
professionals can encourage alienated children’s independent critical thinking
skills, oftentimes with carefully crafted and timed questions. Here
are five ideas:

1.Ask general questions:
How do you know what you think you know?
Which is likely more reliable: Something you’ve seen and heard for
yourself – or something you heard about from someone else?

2.Encourage the child to question their
basic assumptions: Do you think the
other parent is completely unbiased, completely objective about his/her view of
me?

3.Try reversing the scenario: You’re saying that you know I don’t
care because I won’t respect your feelings and walk away. Does that mean that since you don’t respect
my feelings about wanting a relationship and want to walk away that you do care
about me?

4.Help the child evaluate the evidence:
What is a deadbeat? Some parents
really are deadbeats, but do you have real evidence that your father/mother
fits that definition?

5.Remind the child that no one thinks
critically all of the time: Do you think your
mother/father get so caught up in their anger with each other that they lose
objectivity? Does that ever happen to
you?

About this Blog

Dr. Mark Otis has been a practicing psychologist in Dallas since 1979. He writes and produces multimedia educational and training material for divorce professionals and divorcing parents who want to improve their co-parenting, negotiation, mediation, and conflict de-escalation skills. Dr. Otis recently moved to Denver, Colorado where he continues his consultation practice.

Welcome Back, Pluto

If you have confronted many instances of parent-child alienation, you have probably encountered children who insist upon calling their rejected parent by their first name (or worse). Perhaps in most instances, the alienated children’s intent is to show contempt towards the rejected parent: “You don’t deserve the name Mom or Dad, you’ve lost the right to that respect.” Welcome Back, Pluto presents this issue to children and adults in an even-handed manner designed to replace contempt with compassion and hurt with understanding.

A Psychedelic Pluto

Pluto lit up for the holidays

Contact Mark Otis

email: mark@markrotis.com

Check out this new online divorce service

If you are a married parent living in Texas and are considering divorce, check out a new online service, Negotiated Divorce, for couples who want to conduct their own divorce. Negotiated Divorce was designed by legal, mental health and financial divorce professionals with over 90 years combined experience. Designed to be more than another document service, the site has extensive educational material and easy to follow instructions to help parents make informed agreements about parenting plans, financial issues, and property settlements. Based on a core value that "negotiated solutions are the best solutions," Negotiated Divorceis the only online service that offers extensive multimedia educational material focused exclusively on helping couples learn the skills and tools of negotiating that are so necessary to good agreements. . Check it out.

One of the hallmarks of divorce conflict is insufficient civility. Everyday, angry ex’ send contentious, nasty emails and texts that they...

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If you are family lawyer wanting to improve your analysis of mental health professionals's evaluations of your clients (or if you are a mental health professional preparing to testify about an evaluation you conducted), be sure to read the two best books on the market:Confronting Mental Health Evidence and How to Examine Mental Health Experts. Written by John A. Zervopoulos, Ph.D., J.D., these books will organize your analysis, guide your questions, and improve your practice.

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Video links

Bargaining is often an essential component to how satisfied the parties feel about a negotiation. Making concessions back and forth reassures each party that the other side is willing to consider their concerns. But when an agreement is reached without either side making significant concessions, both parties may walk away dissatisfied, wondering if they could have achieved more.For a light-hearted look at this dynamic, watch this classic scene from Seinfeld where Kramer and Jerry’s father negotiate the sale of some raincoats.

Monty Python also took a look at bargaining -- but puts a reverse spin on it in this hilarious scene set in a middle east bazaar.

It's a negotiation! Or is it? Watch this lawyer, played by George Clooney, begin settlement discussionsin his client's divorce.

Interests are at the core of every negotiation. Can you identify the landlord's interests in this scene from The Tenant?

One can't succeed without risking failure. Check out these inspirational videos about infamous failures such as Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan if you feel that failure is weighing you down.

I've used this clip from the Wedding Crashers for years to illustrate the importance of the relationship between the parties to succeed at a negotiation. Don't be fooled by their sarcasism and cynicism, these mediators know what they're doing to help the divorcing parties reach an agreement.

Need to laugh?

It's important for all of us to be able to laugh at ourselves, including mental health professionals. Here's aclassic sketch starring Bob Newhart that pokes good fun at therapy.

Mindset

Do you know the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset? It's an important concept with which all parents should be familiar. Check out this informative and inspiring TedTalk by Eduardo Briceno.

Brandon Todd illustrates the importance of persistence to a growth mindset. Inspiring short documentary of how a man challenged himself to do what others said was not possible.