Reading Sweet Valley High in my thirties.

It’s all fun and games until someone flashes some vag. At the wrong guy.

There’s nothing worth recapping this week except for the most! shocking! thing! ever! to! happen! on The Bachelor. In fact, it wasn’t too shocking, and the producers milked it for high drama. Chris marches in doing his best “I’m still acting like I’m needed” face and pulls Rozlyn out of the COCKtail party, leaving the other fair maidens to gossip it up. Chris then condescendingly tells Rozlyn she had an “INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP” with a staffer on the show. So what do they define as inappropriate? Oral? Anal? And that she needs to leave. Roz actually handles herself well, not turning it into the high drama the producers want. She agrees to leave. Too bad, her hair looks super cute. And she flashed her vag during the photo shoot date. Do I not even have to rant about this disgusting double standard? Jake gets to date 37 women at once, but Rozlyn has to remain chaste? Is calling this show misogynist even possible? Is that like calling Gary Unmarried not funny? Sorry I just don’t even have the energy right now.

Rozlyn: a cautionary tale for women everywhere who are dating a guy who is also dating 15 other women

Chris goes to tell Jake, and Jake employs the Meisner method in his reaction. Wow, he shows range. We can now add “mildly irritated” to his range of emotions, added to the “golly gee!” we’ve seen so far. Jake dumbly asks “can I get my rose back?” Jake insists on marching right in there with Chris to lecture the harem. The harem, meanwhile, just heard what happened and are in shock! In fact, they all dismantle the set and create a makeshift pyre to burn the jezebel witch at the stake. Jake and Chris come back and Chris comes in and lectures the group about how they were all supposed to be there for one reason: to win Jake’s heart! Jake, nearly in tears (good acting?) asks anyone else if they want to leave now because this is real. And they should only be there for him! And they signed a contract! Meanwhile, we get five minutes of Rozlyn packing her stuff. She’s pretty straight-faced and won’t give into the drama. I like her! Can we make her the next Bachelorette? Subtitled “nail this one down before she seduces the entire production crew!” It will be like a Paradise Hotel Crossover!

So yea. Other stuff happened in this episode. And, after 34 seasons, you’d think the editors and producers would not use the same damn format. Thus presenting the rules of The Bachelor:

1. If one of the women in heavily featured early on in the episode, she will either be sent home or given the last rose to create dramatic tension. (Vag flashin, camerman seducin’ Roz)

2. One gal will proclaim herself “different from the other gals” and spend the episode feeling physically inferior to the others. (This Christina gal with the dark eyebrows.)

3. Once Jake takes some alone time on a group date, it is up to the others to “steal him away” as a method of courtship.

4. If the Bachelor is in the pool with some women, he must have a woman on his shoulders to play “chicken”.

5. The harem must screech every time the Bachelor enters a room.

6. If it is a large group date, the Bachelor must engage the women in a totally shallow activity based on their ability to gussy up and look sexy for him; i.e., a photo shoot, a shopping trip, a spa trip.

7. A one on one date must include a private performance from an artist featured on the adult contemporary charts (was that Peter Cetera?)

8. A woman who is too overdressed for the rose ceremony will be sent home. This isn’t a debutante ball, ladies.

9. The “date boxes” have the ability to ring doorbells.

10. A one on one date must include a diamond necklace.

11. A date must also include a helicopter or plane ride to induce bad metaphors about “hearts racing” and “taking a risk” for love.

12. If strawberries are anywhere in the vicinity, they must be fed to each other.

13. All conversations at the cocktail party are limited to talking about the extent of “feeling a connection.”

14. The woman that all the other hate is guaranteed a spot in the top three.

15. A woman suspected of having a boyfriend at home is guaranteed a spot in the top five.

16. The woman who is barely featured in the first three episodes will be the “winner.”