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“When Your Dad Gets Home….”

1. I was in and out of the post office, the Starbucks drive-thru, and the pre-school book fair with your two children in tow, before 9:30 this morning.

2. Whilst braving the I-4 traffic and carrying an obscene & undisclosed amount of returns to Nordstrom, an 18-wheeler nearly clipped me.He ran me right into the left lane. Had it not been for my don’t dial and drive rule, I’d have let him know EXACTLY “how’s my driving”, alright.

3. Did you know that before you can even swipe the card for return credit, your monkey kids can be up and down the escalator 2 times??

4. My eye is still black from the golf ball, only now, when people stare at me they glance over at the children. THEY KNOW. “Those kids did that to her.” Steve, you are SO off-the-hook.

5. In reward for their obnoxious behavior, and because I was clearly outnumbered, I rewarded them with a visit to the mall playground.

6. On the yard, a child predator (I know this due to my keen discernment and ability to intimidate even the most freakish with my fearless I’m-gonna-kill-you stare down) snapped a picture of your daughter with his cell-phone. He was alone and had exited the Disney store with a bag. When he saw me staring, he winced, fidgeted and scurried up the stairs. Moments later, I looked up and he was trying to take another photo. I glared right at him, picked up my phone as if I was calling and he darted off. I took the kids into the Disney store to report it. Mall security was called to the scene. The man shopped alone, purchasing 2 small girls shirts, according to the clerk. And you wonder why I’m psychotic about watching these kids every second!!!?

7. After my Rambo moment in the mall, I felt the need to resort to a more dignified activity. I took your monkeys to Nordstrom Bistro. They used nice manners….for horses.

8. We exited the mall, and I drove home clutching tightly the plastic spoon you wave at them on occasion. It works much better for you, I’m certain.

9. They slept for 40 minutes in the car before staging the afternoon revolt. I sang a song about glory and angels and peace, or something like that.

10. At 4:45, I locked myself in the house and stared at them out the window. I prayed for my safety.

Love,

The Wifey

When Steve pulled into the driveway, I marched directly to my room. I rolled the hair, put on some makeup and a fancy necklace because this girl don’t do “BAG LADY”! Truth is, I sure felt like one today and danced a celebratory jig when they went to chick-fil-a tonight!