Breaking Down The Forbes Top 10 Colleges Of 2016

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College rankings are a dime a dozen — especially during the summer. It’s the internet’s equivalent of every sports talk radio show or ESPN program killing time during the dog days of the baseball season with generic conversations on where so-and-so ranks amongst the all-time greats. The discussions mean absolutely nothing and are often based on little to no facts, but it’s a captivating five minutes of entertainment that we’ll click or watch just to see if it validates or conflicts with our own personal opinion — every single time.

Now Forbes appears to have put a little more effort into their top 10 — basing it off the supposed return on investment (ROI) for each school — but they could have just ejaculated onto an Ivy League map and yielded the same results.

10. Swarthmore College

I should stop here, as this should immediately disqualify any legitimacy Forbes previously had with readers. Nothing in or from Delaware County (Delco) — myself included — should ever be highly regarded.

9. Wesleyan University

This was the same school that wanted to subject females to living in the third-world, disease ridden conditions of your every day, run-of-the-mill fraternity house. Not only are they extremely idiotic, they’re clearly anti-women.

8. Brown University

Wouldn’t have gotten into the Ivy League if their name was White University.

7. Pomona College

Small liberal arts school in southern California. No starting salary is worth the four or five years of dealing with the type of individuals that you would call your peers.

6. Yale

The problem with going to Yale is that you have to then bring it up in every conversation you ever have from then on out. You’re contractually obligated to do so once you put pen to paper on your letter of intent. If you like being the last resort friend of every post-grad crew, Yale’s for you.

5. MIT

You’re more likely — and probably more willing– to build and fuck a machine than any female on campus.

4. Harvard

3. Princeton

2. Williams College

What and who are you? Ever hear of a little thing called branding, Williams College? You could tell me this was on the fucking moon and I still wouldn’t care.

1. Stanford

4,3, and 1 read like the shattered dream list of Asian households nationwide. Poor kids are still falling on samurai swords for dishonoring their family and only getting accepted into state schools, and the blood is on Harvard, Princeton, and Stanford’s hands..

Dan Regester@Dan_Regester is a Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com