40-year-old Tennessee resident Lowell Turpin allegedly punched his girlfriend and smashed her laptop against a wall because he was convinced she was having a secret affair with Mitt Romney.

Yes. This really happened. Super Sleuth Turpin became violently jealous after he saw a photo of the presidential candidate on his girlfriend's Facebook page and "angrily demanded to know who the male was," according to the Anderson County Sheriff's Department. His partner denied an affair — obviously — but Turpin wasn't having any of it. He also accused her of "attempting to communicate with friends through her Facebook account," because, aside from being an assaulter, this horrible man apparently knows absolutely nothing about anything going on in this country. Okay, fine, let's accept that he didn't recognize one of the most famous faces in the continent right now. But who doesn't know how to use Facebook?

Turpin was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault and is currently in jail. We hope his girlfriend doesn't bail him out and instead runs off with a Mitt Romney lookalike (hey, there's no accounting for taste) who understands how social networking works.