Lawyers Jokes

Dear Friends,
I cannot use names allowed due to legal reasons however, I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor last night, and on advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Excerpts taken from court proceedings that's really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
A : Yes.
Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
A : I forget!
Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-three years.

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
Q : And why did that upset you?
A : My name is Evon!

Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
A : Yes.
Q : And what were you doing at that time?

Q : She had three children right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?