Paving plan may make the bennies stay home

"The traffic's going to back up all the way to the Garden State Parkway" - Point Pleasant Beach Mayor Vince Barrella

Garden State Parkway traffic: Imagine the fun when all these guys get to Point Pleasant Beach and are stopped dead by construction.File photo

I joke a lot about wishing there were a way to keep the bennies from invading the Shore every summer. But the state Department of Transportation is serious about it.

Imagine bennies by the thousands sitting there, pounding on their steering wheels as they watch pedestrians flying by them on the sidewalk. Imagine them deciding to go to the Poconos on their next trip.

It’s brilliant. It’s fiendish. And it’s real.

I learned that last week when I was chatting with Vince Barrella. Barrella is the mayor of Point Pleasant Beach, a town that draws thousands of tourists every summer day to its boardwalk and bars.

This year, though, a lot of those bennies might not bother making the drive, Barrella said.

"The traffic’s going to back up all the way to the Garden State Parkway for all I know," said Barrella. "I’ve seen it backed up that far on holidays. Now it will be like that every day."

The reason is a $215 million reconstruction project along Route 35, the state highway that runs from his town to Seaside Heights. I was in the audience last month in Lavallette when Gov. Chris Christie announced the project. I would have burst out in applause if not for my role as a journalist.

The 80-year-old concrete roadbed was totally dilapidated even before Hurricane Sandy. I learned that back in September, when a pothole swallowed up my front suspension and blew out a $125 tire.

After Sandy, the road was even more of a mess. This project will not only restore the roadbed, but provide a pump-driven drainage system to prevent flooding in future storms. What’s not to like?

Well, some summer visitors might not like the traffic jams when construction begins — at the very start of the summer season. But state DOT Commissioner James Simpson told the crowd the bottlenecks wouldn’t be so bad.

"You will always have one lane in each direction at all times," Simpson said.

That’s not hard to do down in Lavallette, where the road is four lanes wide and there are alternate routes. But Barrella said he was shocked to learn the project will begin along the stretch at the south end of his town running through Bay Head and Mantoloking. There, the road is just two lanes wide.

That means that instead of having a lane in each direction, there will be just one lane open for summer traffic. Cars will be controlled by workers holding up those signs that switch from "stop" to "slow." And that means traffic will back up through his town, costing local businesses the customers they need for post-Sandy survival, Barrella said.

"If it gets bad enough, if I’m a couple with three kids, I’m not gonna sit in traffic," Barrella said. "I’ll just stay home."

See what I mean? It’s as if the state handed the scheduling duties over to the guy who prints up those "Bennies Go Home" bumper stickers. I called up DOT spokesman Joe Dee to offer congratulations. Dee shrugged off the praise.

"This wasn’t going to be an easy job no matter when we did it," Dee said. Due to the unfortunate effects of Sandy, he said, this summer will likely have less traffic than usual, so this is a good time to get the project done.

"Then by the summer of 2014, when we have had all this time to work on it properly, we’re out of there," Dee said.

That made sense to me. It didn’t make sense to Bay Head Mayor Bill Curtis. Curtis agreed the project needs to be done soon, but not that soon. Curtis said there are 14 businesses, two bed-and-breakfasts and a hotel along the stretch, almost none of which have parking. This could kill their summer season, he said.

"Why not start at the divided highway and work north?" he asked. "We want this done in the worst way, but you could start on Sept. 4 and still get it done."

Why not start Sept. 4? Because that’s after Labor Day. And that would spoil the fun. No old clunkers overheating. No rear-enders as the bennies miraculously manage to hit one another in 5 mph traffic. No aging Baby Boomers on Harleys revving them up to drown out the horrible music being blasted by younger drivers in convertibles.

I say stick to the plan. Summer traffic jams and the Jersey Shore — perfect together.

PRE-EMPTIVE AMATEUR ETYMOLOGY ALERT: Every time I use the term "bennie," I get comments, messages and calls from various clueless types who have theories about the origin of the word. Please keep those theories to yourself. You are an amateur. Ben Zimmer is a professional. Here is the column he wrote for the New York Times on the origin of that term and "shoobie." In it, he quotes the first journalist to put the term in print in a newspaper: me.