Category: What is Love?

I know that I talk about this all the time. It’s probably nothing even. I always, always think that this time you’re the chosen one. Then, after I get the disappointing let down that I have heard what feels like everyday over these past twenty years, I just try to shove it deep inside my stomach and continue on with my lonely life. Well, it’s not that lonely. I have people that I run to when I need those arms wrapped around me after the rejection that I should just be used to. Or if I need a persons ears to have my life complained about over the beer that will help drown away the sorrows.

I normally have no problem telling a person how I feel. I am just so used to getting the same response that this has almost become a habit. I prepare myself, take my deep breathe, let out my emotions about how I feel, then just walk away, knowing that they don’t feel the same way without even having to hear or read a response.

I can hit on a random guy at a bar. I have no problem talking coyly to a cashier at any store. But when I see you standing there, with blue eyes and your blonde hair (yes I’m a thinking of Blink-182) I feel that I have lost my powers. I feel that I am not able to have the look in my eyes that I will give to who I have this bubbling about; the little bubbles that start to boil in my stomach when I see a person that I think was written in the stars for me. (Of course, how many people were written up there for each of us? I feel like I’ve tried for all of them already!)

So, I try to avoid you. I don’t want my emotions for you to be know. That will make this world a better place. You can continue on with your busy day, never knowing that this one woman has these feelings, these “Who is this funny, handsome young man?” senses dwindling around in her head daily as she stalks through your Facebook (but not everyday). How would you know if you had let “the” one get away from you if you hadn’t taken that one chance you had to just sit and talk with her? We all have our busy days, some more than others, but it only takes a mere five minutes for your insides to know that the person that you have set your eyes upon is the one that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. I know that I have probably let a few of them pass me by, but you’ll never know unless you look into her eyes and let her set foot onto your land.

Thirty days has September, yet the best month throughout the year seems to be able to make its point in only twenty-eight. Twenty-nine when it chooses to leap. This is the month that I made my debut. The month that the world received such a fabulous…me.

I still sit and think, though, that I have not achieved the goals I have set for myself. I have not set foot in all fifty states. I have never been to any foreign land. I don’t know if I will achieve any that I have set for myself. I want to, yet when I feel that already bring half way through my life, how am I supposed to complete my top ten?

We all know that my number one goal is to find whoever that one true person is. I keep hating to hear that “As soon as you stop looking…” blah-blah because I am not the type that stops looking for what she wants. I search and search for Waldo until I find him. I’ve been working on some of the same word puzzles for weeks, yet I have not completed them. I will not stop my hunt for this love of my life. I cannot remember what I did yesterday, yet he seems to not want to leave my mind. Jerk.

I look at the negative aspect of everything then wonder why the good part didn’t happen when it was over. I don’t know how to be Ms. Positive. I know how to put a smile on my face, though, to make it seem like life has not affected me. It’s called acting. One thing I did learn in high school. I just wish they would have taught me how to cook or sew a tear in my favorite sweater. They teach you all about the pathagarium theorem, but never how to do your own laundry or mow your own lawn. Thank you so very much Board of Education for helping to become a single, thirty year old. I can now continue on to be the grumpy old lady I have so long known I would be.

We all have our past romances. I sometimes wonder, what if I had not given up on that one. Maybe I would not have made anymore mistakes. I still find him, roaming around in my lost forest of a head. It’s not bad that I overlook his Facebook still, is it? Sadly, though, someone else is lucky to gaze upon him everyday. And even the fact that he updated his information was a surprise to me, since he’s not an “update status” everyday type of guy.

I wasn’t in love with him. We were still fairly new. We had just started to see each other. I, of course, was the one who blew him away from me. Why, I still regret. The fact that I still remember his name, last name included, is a good thing. It keeps telling me that I should have emailed or Facebooked him, maybe even knocked on his door. His street is one frequently pass when I have to see a doctor. Driving past that road still makes my heart skip a beat.

My hopes went down, though, when I did see his status. I know that I have had two years to get him to find me again. I came up with an excuse. Excuses that I now regret. My ship has apparently sailed. I do have this thought in my head, though, that I should find myself a row boat, and set sail for him. All of the water in this Great Lake State are not too big for me to find my true love.

I have a simple heart. You might say that I’m easy. I am not that difficult a person to win over. In these five easy steps, I can be yours. I am that simple:

1. At times; all you have to do is gaze at me with your deep, hazel eyes. If you were to look at me and smile at me, there might just be a connection in our atmosphere that is trying to pull its two people that were put on this Earth together. With your eyes, I cannot look away. You have me at more than hello.

2. I remember once dating a guy whose last name it took me forever to learn. I never wanted to keep asking him, though. On the second date, it’s one thing to, perhaps, maybe not recall a person’s last name. But, if you have been on seven or eight dates with the same person, most people remember most of what has all been discussed. Especially the persons last name. I am not good with people’s names. Unless you have an unusual one or you’ve somehow made yourself standout to me, I will not remember what your common, American name is!

Most understand. I don’t even think they notice. But, try to understand that just because you told me something extremely important about your family, do not get upset if I bring up an inappropriate subject about them about them a month later. I am not doing it intentionally. I have everything I’m trying to fall in love with you about buried somewhere amongst the huge pile of gibberish already in my head. So, don’t expect me to remember every little detail about you. Besides, isn’t the whole point of dating to learn?

3. The first week I moved into my new house I went to the grocery store. I had looked through my recipe books (that I had stolen from my parents) searching for some simple, fun looking meals for the week. I had so much fun carefully selecting what I hoped was the correct meats and spices.
After coming home, I carefully planned out my cooking schedule for the next week. I could hardly wait until the next day when I would begin down the road towards being an adult.

Fast forward one year and I still have no idea how to tell if my hamburger has been cooked, my spaghetti tastes like glue and I’ve had to throw out more milk and bread than I’ve consumed. So, please; you must at least know the basics of Betty Crocker because even I grow tired of Hungry Howie’s once in a great while.

4. The other day I actually broke the handle on my refrigerator. It just decided to snap off at the top. I have never seen that before. I luckily had some super glue. I carefully put a few drops where they need be and went along with my day.

Later, I came along to give my door a gander, to make sure she was healing alright. Well, after a few open and closes, the same damn thing happened! She unsnapped like I didn’t even do anything. This glue was super in no way to me. I gave it another glob of super and Elmer’s glue this time though. I think I even tried modge podge. Three days later, she still would not hold! Masking tape is all that held her in.

When I finally called my dad in dire need, he didn’t come over to fix my problem. He came over to show me how to fix it. He let me do everything, but with instructions.

This is how I like my help. I like to be taught. So teach me, and I will love you even more.

5. The other day, I was mad about something. I don’t remember exactly what made me so upset. It must have been something so tiny because I can, at times just blow up over nothing. Then again, the same thing can happen days later and I just “meh” about it.

Love me if I have an attitude. Love me when I’m rude. I will apologize. You must be calm with me. I get hyped up about the oddest things at times. Please don’t be upset with me when I’m upset about everything that’s going on in this world that I know I cannot fix. I will be over my issue in a few minutes. You can keep me calm.

So, if you can follow these simple guidelines, then you have won my heart.

Mary met John on her first date in over a year. Was romance supposed to happen? Mary didn’t share the same feelings that John has. Or perhaps John fell too much in love with Mary too fast. He began talking about wanting children and a house on their third date. She has heard of love at first site, but she felt, at times, not connect with John. Mary loves John, but why is it all there one day, but leaves her heart the next? Why does Mary feel like she wants to punch him in the face if he even speaks another word about science, the one thing he loves as much as her, and always seems to want to fill her head with? Whenever she’s alone, she cannot help looking around her, thinking maybe she is meant for a new John. But when she has these thoughts in her mind, her John finds his way back into her head, confessing his undying love, and she can’t help feeling like she must not leave him, or else she will be missing the most important piece of herself.

So, as usual, sitting at Ryan’s trying to assist him to put together a dating profile, I’m looking at this site and I’m thinking: “should I still be searching? Did I really find my Romeo?” My whole 30 minute car ride home I’m thinking about all of this. Going back and forth, if I can see myself with him in a year, six month, tomorrow. What tiny thing will he do to piss me off? But now that I’m in my bed, lying here with his green polo shirt beside me, I know there is something about him that I love so much, that I feel so empty without. No matter how much he pisses me off or how aggravated I get, I love him. I love talking to him every day, even if I don’t have anything to say. What I don’t know, I can ask him, he will know the answer. He may not be my lobster, but I prefer crab.