Friday, June 05, 2009

Word, LA. Word.

Hey guys! What up!

I'm sitting at LAX waiting for my delayed flight to un-delay and get me back into the arms of my lover. NYC. What is it about you?

I missed NY and all it's convenience (subways), but I thoroughly enjoyed driving around in my sweet ride for a week. I rented a mid-sized from Hotwire.com and when I got there the agent directed me to Section 2 and said, "pick a car." Did I go for the PT Loser? Snoway. Did I go for the Ford Snoozion? Nadachance. Did I see a hot Mustang sportsies with my name written all over it? Bazingo!

Souped up version of my ride.

Here's a question for the masses: why is my area at the airport the prime spot for people to stand and make phone calls and B) why does it smell like farts?

(Answer - I farted.)

So let's start from the beginning with the flight to LAX. Sat next to one of the most agitated men I've ever encountered. Sir Sighs-A-Lot. Christ dude, we all know flying sucks, but really? Annoyed by someone closing the bathroom door? Chill OUT homey! I spent the entire flight worried he'd snap and rip my head off my poor little frame. But, friends! Justice was served when, upon landing, he sneezed and his gum flew from his mouth to the pages of the book (on "Depression Era Economics") he was reading and stuck there. Talk about ANNOYED! Two words, dude. SUCK. IT.

I decided to get my ass in gear this trip so I worked out like a mofo. Firsts I ran on the beach which, need I say, is flippin' hard! I fell. Once. Ok, twice. Second time on purpose because the first fall was so fun. Then on the second day I went for a hike on Runyon Canyon. Runyon reminds me of Funions which I love to eat and are the opposite of working out. Side note. So I hiked up the Canyon and had a celebrity sighting. LC from The Hills! What!? I know. Kind of lame, but also kind of thrilling. Don't ask me why, friends. Don't ask. Anywhozits, I made it to the top before realizing that the earrings I had so vainly adorned myself in that morning (earrings on a hike? who am I, Claire's Boutique?) had fallen out of my jacket pocket. Some dog probably ate them because they were not to be found. I spent a good $6 on those earrings, folks. They will be missed. (And, to clarify, they were taken off because I walk with such a stride the back and forth motion became too much for my gentle lobes to take.)

On Tuesday night I went with Skinner to see one of the fliest groups on either coast at Largo: Magnolia Memoir. Headed by our Pandas West-Coast pianist, Alex Burke. The man has so many skillz he could pay off our national debt. The group was beyond amazing and Pandas was thrilled to have a few of them in the audience of our show on Thursday night. Friends sharing talent with friends. Warms my cockles (and balls).

Wednesday night I did a little something you might have heard of called STAND UP, BITCHES. Yep. Kicked it old school style on the stage at West Side Comedy and did a pretty good set if I do say so. And I do. 3rd time doing stand up! What? Killed it.

Thursday night was the reallybigshew! Pandas at UCB! We had a nice line outside the theatah and our crowd really ate up every tasty morsel we threw at them. Our suggestion was "Pony" and, now: a recap.

30-minute musical featured me as a woman named Phyllis who wanted her daughter, Claire, to call her Mommy. Claire was understandably hesitant as Phyllis killed Claire's birth mother and tried to raise Claire as her own - buying her love with Ponies. Phyllis met Eliza's 2nd character who was a horse-trainer haunted by the death of one of his students. He took the blame where Phyllis, who should have, did not. They met at a bar and learned a lot from each other. And drank a lot. Phyllis and Claire ended up in each others arms and lessons were learned.

15-minute musical featured me as a British pony lived in the land of magical ponies only - all the magical ponies disappeared because, why else, no one believed!! Eliza's pony character sent me back to the land of humans and convince one person to believe in magical ponies. British pony found herself in a cooling duct in an office building where Eliza's 2nd character, Bob, a cold, heartless businessman, took conference calls. British pony convinced Bob to believe and brought him back to the land of magical ponies...where they tried to kill him. Bob stopped believing and the ponies started disappearing again. And for the life of me I can't remember how it ended. WHAT!? Shit. It was good, trust me.

5-minute musical featured both our characters as merry-go-round horses trying to realize their dreams. Eliza's pony killed mine at the end and we burned to the ground. It's what we do.

And now here I sit at LAX waiting to get this bitch in the sky. Overall, the trip gets two snaps and a booty smack. Damn good time had by all!

Except the part where I threw up in my car. That was kind of shitty. But, hell man, what's a good time without a little vomit?

About Me

Glesbian (n.) /GLEZ.be.un/

You need to know where Glennis shops. You must find out where Glennis eats. Glennis' opinions on life matter to you. You are a Raging Glesbian.

ASK G

You have questions I have answers, but why should you listen? In 1998 I moved to NY with $500 and 5 bags of clothes. I fought my way through the muck and grime to come out the other side triumphant. Like one of those really satisfying morning BM's, my advice will set you straight.

"Readers can send in questions and Glennis will publish her response, full of profanities, tangents, and surprisingly good advice."-Radar's Work Book Project

Write to:answermecommag@gmail.com

xG

More G

Twitter Updates

Twitter Updates

Glennis-isms

Clair Stare (v) - Derived from the fabulous Clair Huxtable's show-stopping stare. As powerful as any words, fist or bullets and twice as effective. "Piss slowly dripping down his leg he knew at once that his airplane hijacking attempt had, once again, been thwarted by the Clair Stare."

Out-Regis-and-Kelly (adj.) - Used to describe someone's fabulous, sparkly outrageousness. "Not sure if the girl in front of her had fallen or begun a strange, errotic dance, she chose to classify her as out-regis-and-kelly."

Out-Regis-and-Kathy-Lee (adj.) - Used to describe someone's slightly off-putting, drunken or outdated behavior. "The party took a turn for the worse when they arrived and, in truly out-regis-and-kathy-lee fashion, upper decked every bathroom in the house."

Prrrthetic (adj.) - Used to describe a pathetic action that, somehow, ends up making you look adorable. "The prrr-thetic attempt to get him back fell short when the aerial photo of his face made out of cats was overexposed."