Carolyn and Bob Henderson became step-grandparents almost two years ago when
their son married into a family with three children from a previous
marriage. Since they had been looking forward to becoming grandparents
someday, Carolyn and Bob were excited about the prospect of becoming instant
grandparents, yet wondered what this step-grandparent role would look like.
The Hendersons are not alone. According to the latest statistics, up to 33
percent of persons 65 years or older are step-grandparents and the numbers
are growing rapidly. Those who find themselves in this new role recognize
that they face a potentially awkward situation as they work to find their
place in the family.

"When we became step-grandparents the children were 2, 9, and 14," said Mr.
Henderson. "There were no other grandfathers in the picture, but there were
two very active grandmothers and Carolyn would make three. Recognizing that
we had not been around these children since birth and we had no idea what
they liked to eat or what they liked to do, we decided to take it slowly.
We were not going to try and make up for years of living in hours. We
wanted to respect the other grandparents and let the children know that we
were genuinely interested in a relationship with them."

According to some step-grandchildren, this can be an awkward time,
especially if there are other grandparents in the picture. One child
explained that he already had a close relationship with his grandparents and
didn't really want a relationship with his step-grandparents.

Mr. Henderson recalls a time when Morgan, the youngest grandchild, saw him
chewing gum and asked what he had in his mouth. He told her it was gum, but
she might not like it because it was hot gum. She wanted a piece. Now
every time she sees him she wants some of that that gum.š He believes it is
little things like this, going to football games, watching recitals and just
being there that encourage bonding between step-grandparents and their
grandchildren.

Experts agree that the best way to cultivate a relationship with
step-grandchildren is to spend time with them. Find out about their areas
of interests. Get to know their friends. Attend their sporting events. By
focusing on these things step-grandparents can build strong healthy
relationships with their step grandchildren.

The Hendersons offer these helpful tips to couples who find themselves in
the role of step-grandparent:

Accept your role ­ you are a bit player, not the star of the show.

Recognize that there is usually lots of stress involved in bringing two families together. Do what you can to help minimize the stress versus creating more.

Donšt pry into the past.

Focus on the needs of the children, not your wishes for the relationship.

Remember special events.

Recognize that what works for some might not work for others. Every situation is unique.

Be as supportive as you can of their interests. If possible do things with them.

Support the parents in their rules, and expectations.

Find ways to praise the children and be slow to criticize.

In the words of a step-grandchild, "My life was already a juggling act. I
didn't need anymore complicated relationships."
Step-grandparents who are sensitive to the complexities of the situation and
respect the grandchildren's needs and wishes about their relationship stand
a good chance of developing a life long bond with their step-grandchild.
After all, isn't that what grandparenting is really all about?