Health & Fitness

Local yoga instructor finally succeeds in getting her head up her own arse

A self-employed yoga instructor from Bristol has finally achieved the ancient sport’s ultimate end goal – entering her own anus using her head.

Patchouli Sunbeam (real name Patricia Michaels), 28, discovered her “calling” after an extended four-year gap year across Asia. She explained how she had strived for this goal since she started her career many months ago.

“I had always been flexible, making sure to show everyone at every party how I could put my feet behind my head, but when I was travelling across Sri Lanka I saw the monks who had trained for years to perfect the form and thought – I could do that!”

“I read the ancient scrolls on a sacred website known as ancientscrolls4free.com. They spoke of reaching the ultimate level. In order to achieve true enlightenment, the yogi must come full circle – literally.”

Patchouli then worked tirelessly, session after session, for several days, to enter herself both physically and spiritually, until one quiet Thursday evening session, everything changed.

Jen Downing, 21, one of Patchouli’s regular class attendees explained: “It was amazing! One minute she was telling us about how the downward-facing dog position reminds us all of how she helped some impoverished kids in Vietnam, next thing you know her head was gone and silence finally filled the room. I think it has actually improved her teaching.”

Classmate Dave Atkins, 31, agreed: “I heard about this entering into oneself malarkey; it’s like Bikram yoga but apparently more intense – the average rectal temperature is 37 degrees.”

Ruby Martin is a comedian, cartoonist and writer who has been described as "hilarious", "otherworldly" and "having an extraordinary collection of facial expressions". She once had a tweet liked by Rob Delaney, so that's something.