Saddam Hussein ‘delighted’ by Chilcot exoneration, claims Satan

Former tyrannical dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, is overjoyed that Chilcot has found the intelligence reports into his Weapons of Mass Destruction programme to be a stinking heap of bollocks, Satan has confirmed today.

“Yeah the guys down here are like really pleased for Saddam,” Satan said, speaking from Saddam’s new home in Hell’s exclusive Valley of Unutterable Torments.

“Our boy’s had a bad rep for some time, so it’s fantastic for him that Chilcot’s said that the case for removing him was made on information that was a load of old cobblers.

“Because say what you like about our boy – and hands up there’s a lot you can say about his quirky brutal bastadry and the quarter of a million people he had killed – but those WMDs just were not there.

“Though Saddam and I do have mixed feelings about that, because we do also kinda think ‘if only!’

“Still, Chilcot’s really given Saddam a lift, and since it’s his turn to be impaled on a spike this month, that’s exactly what was needed.”

However, when asked, Saddam Hussein told us he would have liked Chilcot to have gone further.

“When I was being such an overwhelmingly awful twat-monster to my people, y’know with the torturing and ‘disappearing’ of those who opposed me or got on my nerves and stuff, it wasn’t because I wanted to be like that.

“Really it was just about making sure my country didn’t descend into sectarian anarchy.

“So I was doing it for their own good really and I am a bit disappointed that Sir John didn’t make that point in his report.”