26 August 2012

When we last left Walter, he was claiming everyone would win. But we know better, right? Mike drives the Three Musketeers out into the desert to meet the methylamine buyers. Or would-be buyers, as Walter tells them they can't have it. But he offers them 35% of his business if they work as his distributors. He makes Classic Coke, not their generic-cola, dyed-blue crap.

Mike gets his $5 million and Declan's crew gets his share of the business. Jesse tries to remind Walter that he's out too, but Walter wants a transition period. Even in the meth business, you gotta give your two weeks' notice. Poor kid ain't getting out....

Mike says his goodbyes and tells the guys to get the bug out of Hank's office. The attorney distributes the legacy costs to his guys' safety deposit boxes, and leaves a big old stack in a box for Mike's granddaughter's 18th birthday. Mike overhears the DEA saying they have a search warrant, so he tosses his laptop and a million guns into a well and parks a car at the airport.

Back to poor Jesse... Walter just won't let him talk. Walter wants to give Jesse his own lab and his own cook so they can cook twice as much. Jesse wants out. Walter asks him what he'd do other than video games and go-karts, and probably using drugs again. Jesus. Walter says Jesse shouldn't have the money, because it's filthy blood money, right? So why not stay and make more? Jesse doesn't need your money, asshole!! Jesse awesomely walks out while Walter stands alone, yelling that he's getting nothing.

Walter starts a cook with Todd. Oh god. Those 2 deserve each other.

Over in DEA land, Hank's not doing so great at the new job, not timely filing his reports and wasting time on Mike. He decides to start tracking the attorney instead. The attorney makes another drop at the bank, but this time Gomez is waiting for him. Drat. Walter pays Hank a visit to cry some more about Skyler and then remove the bugs. He also overhears Gomez tell Hank that the attorney is going to flip and give up Mike. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This can only mean one thing....

Walter gives Mike the heads-up that the DEA is coming to get him at the park where he's watching his granddaughter, then he and Jesse meet with Saul to review options. Saul's hilariously offended that Mike used another lawyer to move the money. Mike calls and asks Saul to get his go-bag from the airport parking garage. Jesse wants to deliver it because he's sweet, but Walter does. There's a gun in the bag. Of course there is. Christ on a bike I can't watch this!!!

Walter wants the names of Mike's guys, but Mike just lays Walter out for ruining the good thing they all had going. Of course Walter runs after Mike and shoots him. They made me all excited too, thinking he was getting away. Instead, Mike just sits by a river, bleeding out. Walter finds him and is all, Oh nevermind, Lydia has the names, I can get them from her. Mike tells him to shut up so he can die in peace. Awesome til the end. Mike falls over. I am sad.

It's Hurricane Isaac weekend here in South Florida, so what better time to catch up on a buttload of movies before being trapped in your house for a day or 2? P.S.: That picture of Isaac is from Wednesday's forecast, when he was destined for my house. Now we're pretty much just getting a Tropical Storm. Being the movie geek I am, I paraphrased Lt. Aldo Raine from Inglourious Basterds yesterday when I said, "More like rained on. I've been rained on before." I think I'm going to have to watch that movie again today....

First up on Friday night was Premium Rush. This is a movie about EXTREME bike messengers. Really. It's fine. I mean, was it supposed to be amazing? No. But Joseph Gordon-Levitt's in it and he's pretty. Unfortunately for the movie, biking looks ridiculous when you see a lot of it. I mean, his little legs moving up and down the whole time. It's comical. Also, on bikes, no matter how fast they're going -- they're still bikes! So slow "chases." And WTF is up with Michael Shannon and his scenery-chewing bullshit? I know he's supposed to be a good actor, but I couldn't figure out what he was doing. Was he doing it tongue-in-cheek or was he being serious? Either way, ick. Also, the musical score was awful and when a movie score stands out that's bad -- you're not supposed to notice it. It was bizarre. Anyway, it was fine.

Next up on Saturday was the very definition of an EXTREME action movie - The Expendables 2. Dude. I mean, you sit there rolling your eyes at the dialogue and yet who gives a shit when you have Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, and Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting side-by-side and mowing down guys with machine guns? And you get 3 awesome Jean-Claude Van Damme roundhouse kicks. How can you not love that? Stallone fighting with chains. Statham throwing knives. Then Chuck Norris rolls in totally randomly and makes Chuck Norris jokes. Everyone saying each other's catch phrases. (OK, that's I can do without.) It's a fun movie to watch. If you don't pop a couple boners during it, you're not human.

I closed out the weekend seeing The Bourne Legacy again because Mike hadn't seen it yet, and it could have been my last night on earth so I wanted to spend it wisely. I liked it better the second time, likely because I knew to expect a slow start and less Jeremy Renner than you would think a Jeremy Renner movie would contain. Of all of these EXTREME movies, this one is definitely the most realistic. Those old guys don't do their own stunts in the same way Renner does. JCVD's roundhouse kicks were done in such a way that I pictured him doing one, then taking a 15 minute break, then doing the next one. Punch, break, punch, break, duck, break, heavily edit. The old men just aren't as ferocious as they used to be.

19 August 2012

Earlier this week, I saw a still from this episode of Jesse having dinner with The Whites. It blew my mind. OMG LET'S DO THIS!

But first, it's time for Walter, Mike, and Todd to unload the truck from last week's heist, including that nosy motorbike kid's body. The bike and the body get the usual dissolve-in-a-drum treatment. They take apart the bike piece by piece and all you can think about is how they're going to be taking apart that body. Or maybe he'll be able to just fit right in. Jesse's outside the whole time. When Todd comes out and gives him a casual, "Shit happens, huh?" Jesse punches him in the face.

The Four Musketeers have a meeting (trial?) where Todd pleads that he had no other choice. He's sorry and all, but doesn't think he did anything wrong since he was protecting the team and the business. He's essentially using this like a job interview, looking for a promotion. He has an uncle with prison connections, and he wants to be a full partner. Walter's options: 1. Fire Todd. He knows way too much. 2. Dispose of Todd. Of course Jesse would never let that happen. 3. Keep Todd. That's the only way to go. But that kid is going to be the death of everyone, isn't he?

The DEA is tailing Mike, but of course Mike is aware of it. He leaves a "dead drop" for them -- a note that says, "F**k you."

While Jesse and Walter are cooking, they see a report on the news about the missing motorbike kid. Walter needs him to soldier on, whistle while he works like Walter does. After all, they have everything they need for the next year. Everything's going to be so perfect, right? Oy.

Once the batch is done, Walter joins Mike and Jesse for a late night pow-wow. Mike says the feds are getting too close to him so Walter flies off the handle. Then Mike says he's out. "Sorry to see you go, Mike." Horse's ass. Walter says Jesse will have to take over distribution. Only... Jesse's out too. I WISH THIS WERE THE ENDING I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!! Mike already has plans to sell their shares of the methylamine. They'll each get $5 million. Guess who this isn't good enough for?

Mike meets with the people Walt refers to as his competition to sell the methylamine, but the guy only wants to buy if the blue meth will be off the market entirely. He wants the full amount of methylamine. They can't promise that, since Walt plans to keep cooking.....

Jesse comes to Walt's house to try to sell him on the methylamine deal. $5 million, no one else gets killed, isn't this perfect? Walter says he hasn't been working this hard just to sell out. OY! His dumb ass brings up Gray Matter, the company he took a $5000 buyout from that is now worth billions. That's his fault. Ass. "I'm in the empire business." I. HATE. YOU.

Skyler comes home and they all sit down for dinner. Because, of course, Skyler will be as compliant as Walter wants her to be, and Walt is quite satisfied to show that off. It's the Greatest Family Dinner Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesse is hysterical and Skyler is downing large glasses of wine. Skyler's all, "Did you tell him about my affair, too?" OMG IT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!!! Once she leaves the table, Walter goes, "Do you know my kids are gone?" and Jesse says, "Thank god" in the quickest, greatest way possible. He did NOT need more awkwardness. Walt tells Jesse that he has nothing left but the business "and you want to take it away from me." You're always the martyr, right, Walter? Everyone's always persecuting you? UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Walter goes to the office to take his methylamine, where Mike is there to sit on him all night and make sure he doesn't interfere with the methylamine deal. In the morning, Mike chains Walter's hand to the radiator so he can go take care of something. Well, that was dumb, since Walt finds a way out, using exposed wires to burn through the plastic strap on his wrist. Barely seems to feel the pain.

Mike's with Saul, who is meeting with Gomez and Hank, accusing the DEA of harassment for all their surveillance. He's filing a restraining order. And when Mike comes back to the office? The methylamine is gone and Jesse's there with Walter. Walter has a proposal: "Everybody wins." WHY DO I KNOW THAT YOU'RE LYING?????????

12 August 2012

We open with a kid zipping through the desert on his motorbike. He finds a giant tarantula and puts it in a jar. End of teaser. Okaaayyyy.

Hank's moving into his new office and gets a visit from Walter. Hank notices his Rolex right off. Keep being a sloppy showoff, Walter! Walter starts crying in front of Hank, saying Skyler doesn't love him anymore and thinks he's a bad father. Hank can't deal with real emotions and leaves to get Walter some coffee. Which is exactly what the Master Manipulator wanted, because he puts some kind of tap on Hank's computer and a bug in his picture frame.

The Three Musketeers have Lydia handcuffed to a table in some empty warehouse. Mike makes her call Hank's office and tell him that she discovered the tracking device on the methylamine. After she hangs up, the bug in Hank's office tells them that the DEA had nothing to do with it... but the cops did. So Lydia narrowly avoids execution. And she knows where they can get "an ocean" of methylamine. Time for a train robbery!!

Mike thinks there's no choice but to kill the train crew, so as to prevent authorities from being alerted immediately. And Walter won't let them switch to a pseudo cook because they won't make enough money. As his parents argue back and forth, Jesse comes up with the real plan.

Todd is let into the inner circle, helping them rig up tanks in the desert to siphon the methylamine from the tanker car while replacing it with water. Bill Burr helps out by flagging down the train, pretending to be a motorist stranded on the tracks. This is bold as shit, them doing it in the daytime, plus it takes a while. It's tense as shit. Also -- 10 bucks says that tarantula kid is going to be a witness and will have to be killed. Goddammit.

Bill Burr's truck is cleared off of the tracks faster than anyone wants it to be, but Walter waits til the last possible second to stop his siphoning operation so he can be as precise as possible. Jesse has to lie under the train as it starts moving, and Todd has to jump off. Jesus Christ. I was quite literally biting my fingers. Jesse celebrates their success with his customary, "Yeah bitch!" And then we hear the dirtbike. And the kid waves at them. And this cannot stand. Todd is the one to grab a gun and shoot the kid in the face. Holy shit. I actually called that it would be him and not Walter. Something about that kid. He's solidifying his place among the crew. This will be interesting.

07 August 2012

Look, kids, we all know I can't be objective here. I've been eagerly awaiting The Bourne Legacy forever now and I have what is legally referred to as a "hard-on" for Jeremy Renner. The man could do anything - especially with gun in hand - and I'd be happy. So I'm happy with The Bourne Legacy (which I got to see at an early screening - the third one this summer courtesy of Ain't It Cool News).

But I'm also not going to lie and say it was the most ~*~amazing~*~ movie ever. It's not perfect. For one, it takes far too long to get to the Rennery goodness. I love Ed Norton. But get off the screen already, Ed Norton. The set-up takes far too long. It's kind of odd how there are 2 different movies going on -- Ed Norton and the Top Secret Government People tracking Renner and then Renner out doing his stuff. And they don't ever really feel connected. So that sucks. More Norton and Renner together please!

Another thing that probably taints (heh) my view on this movie a little - I've watched the trailer 1,471 times. And it contains the whole movie. So I felt like I'd seen all the action scenes, all the fights already. But let me tell you -- the motorcycle chase through Manila? Greatest thing ever put on film. At least the greatest motorcycle chase ever. Rachel Weisz is the bomb too, I always love her. She has my blessing.

I am looking forward to seeing this movie with Mike so he can shoot holes in all of the science - chems, viruses, I doubt any of that made any sense. But when my little man starts kicking ass, I don't really care. The man is an athlete and I love him.

05 August 2012

The Aztec is back, baby!!!! That thing just won't die. And Walter must have amazing insurance. The Heisenberg hat is inside too. Walt sells the car to the body shop for $50 and gets himself a shiny black pimpmobile, and gets Walt Jr. a red Challenger. Jesus Christ. He makes me so mad. Last week he was so concerned about his money. Keep showing off money you're not supposed to have. Idiot. Skyler wants to send Junior to boarding school, to get him out of this hell they live in.

Walt's all, it's smooth sailing from here on out, there's nothing to be afraid of. "Life is good." Dummy. He wants to have himself a birthday party. (So we're a year out from where the series started now. Eventful year. Also a year away from the first teaser from this season.)

Hank and Gomez come to Madrigal to talk to Lydia. She gives up a foreman they're looking for, and then screams into a pillow. This bitch is real crazy; she put on 2 different shoes this morning. The poor nervous wreck. The DEA's putting surveillance on Mike, and have discovered the blue meth back on the streets. Hank is invited to put in an application for his former boss's position, but he'd have to give up all investigations, including Fring.

Walter comes home from work expecting a birthday party he doesn't get. Ha! Ass. He just gets Marie and Hank over for dinner. On the drive over, Marie tells Hank about Skyler and Ted because of course she can't keep her mouth shut. Lots of painfully awkward silences at dinner. Just douchechills. Skyler gets up while Walt is talking and stands behind him at the pool. The whole time he's talking I am sure she's going to throw herself to the bottom. Sure enough, she eventually walks into the pool and stays under until Walt jumps in and pulls her out. Happy birthday, asshole.

With the foreman/chemical delivery guy out of commission, Jesse comes to Lydia's warehouse to get the methalmine. When he's taking the barrel down off the shelf, Lydia's OCD ass sees something on the bottom - a GPS tracker stuck to it. It's the barrel that she removed from inventory, so it's the only barrel they can have.

Ten bucks says Walter puts Skyler in an institution and gets her electroshock therapy, Homeland-style. He can't have an unstable wife threatening his whole operation. Bitch has to go. Marie and Hank offer (at Skyler's suggestion) to take the kids for a couple days so Walter and Skyler can "work things out." Skyler actually stands up for herself against Walt, saying he'll never have the kids back in the house. "What are you going to do to stop it?" he asks. And he indeed threatens to have her committed, then she counters with a threat to claim spousal abuse. She doesn't have a long-term solution, and he refuses to let her win. She says she'll just wait -- for the cancer to come back and kill him. For the first time EVER, I'll all TEAM SKYLER, BITCH! Great scene.

So now we have the methalmine problem to deal with. Mike's suspicious about the tracker -- sloppy police work, and did any other barrels have the tracker on them? He thinks it was Lydia's ass, so she could get out of the business. Mike says he'll take his business elsewhere indeed -- after he leaves her alone in a ditch. Jesse doesn't want her killed, and Walter vetoes Mike decision because they need to keep the methalmine flowing, can't afford to slow production.

Poor, misguided Jesse gets Walter a Rolex for his birthday. Walter just doesn't deserve him. He comes home and shows the watch to Skyler, saying it was a present from someone who wanted him dead too not so long ago. So now because Jesse is sweet and naive and dumb enough to change his mind about Walt, she's supposed to? Screw you, Walter White!!! He officially makes my skin crawl.

Next week, the guys have to pull a freaking heist to get methalmine???? This isn't The Town!!! They aren't made for this!

I didn't expect Total Recall to change the world. I just wanted some entertainment. And I got it. Full disclosure: I've never seen the original movie and I certainly haven't read the story on which it's based. So I couldn't tell you dick about how they compare.

It's one of those cool, dumb action movies, where it's always dark and rainy and people walk around without umbrellas. And there's a metric ton of bloodless gun fights, and panes of glass shatter every 15 seconds. And then there's the story which, I don't know, is confusing as hell, but thinks it's intellectual.

Also, there's Bryan Cranston. Now I had already seen a review that said he was in it for 5 minutes, so I knew not to expect much. Cuz, yeah, he's in it for like 4 1/2 minutes. But he owns every one of those 270 seconds. I really do wish we'd seen more of him. He rules, plain and simple. But we do also get 2 of the most gorgeous women on the planet - Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale. With their athleticism and long, wavy brown locks - what's not to love? When Colin Farrell is the 4th reason to see a movie, you know it's stacked with goodness.

It won't be a complete waste of your time, I promise. If it's storming like it was here today, or hot as hell like it also was here today, you've already seen The Dark Knight Rises twice, and the Olympics are currently offering female weight lifting, there are worse things to watch.