#30: Axl the movie star (aka: Don't blink!)In the 1988 Dirty Harry film, The Dead Pool, celebrities are killed off one by one (About time for a remake starring Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Heidi and Spencer, don't you think?). One of these celebrities is a rock star named Johnny Squares:

You are not having an acid trip, that is in fact a very young Jim Carrey lipsynching to Welcome to the Jungle!

Johnny gets offed pretty early in the movie (thankfully after that awesome video!) and Axl and the rest of the original band play....a rock band!!...that come to Johnny's funeral to pay their respects. Seriously, don't blink:

Even though he doesn't have a lot of screen time, you really can tell that Axl really picked up a lot of acting skills during the filming of this movie, later evident in the funeral scene in the November Rain video.

Unfortunately for our leader, Slash got the coolest part :

Though GN'R's music has been used in many movies, this was Axl's first and only foray onto the big screen. (Contrary to popular belief, Axl did NOT play one of the Twins in The Matrix Reloaded:

Sasha is an alter ego that Beyonce created for her stage persona. She explains: "Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage. I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am.""

Thursday, October 23, 2008

You know how there's always that cool, dangerous, guy with a bad reputation who other guys secretly want to be but they'd never actually dare because they're too chickenshit to break the rules? Not to mention, "what would mom think?" This always seemed to be the case with Jon Bon Jovi and Axl Rose.

Both bands formed around the same time, but Bon Jovi struck it big first in 1986 with their breakthrough album Slippery When Wet. Jon soon became America's sweetheart with his bright Chicklet smile, perfectly coiffed mane, and mom-friendly pop-rock. Don't get me wrong, Bon Jovi did rock, but they rocked safely, never pissing anybody off, and always with a smile.

Enter Guns N' Roses: sleazy, dirty, drugged-up Los Angeles trash that almost seemed like they were trying to piss everybody off. And their leader (our leader) was the quintessential bad boy, the complete opposite of nice, cute, boring Jon. Who could ever mistake one for the other?

Someone apparently did one evening in 1987 at a Hyatt Regency Hotel. According to Axl, via onstage rant of course, "five guys in suits" who decided they were "scumbags" picked a fight with the band. One of the men grabbed Axl and referred to him as "Bon Jovi." This offended Axl, who, on the mistake commented to the crowd: "Bon Jovi can suck my dick." You can hear the whole thing here, skip to 4:24.Jon didn't take Axl up on his offer nor have the two ever actually had a face-to-face altercation (not yet anyway), but Jon has taken a public swipe at Axl. In 2006 he told the NY Post:

"You know what pisses me off? I was reading this British rock magazine this month and there was a story about Axl Rose and the $13 million GUNS N' ROSES record that was never made. That motherfucker hasn't made a record in 13 years and he gets all that attention. You know what I've done in 13 years? A lot. But they have continued to write about the freak show aspect of him. Because he's a recluse. That makes him interesting, right?"

Hmmm, somebody sounds a weetle geelus!

Poor Jon, he'll always be the Brandon Walsh to Axl's Dylan Mckay, (sorry, I gotta stop with the 90210 references).

A Kabbalah insider told TMZ today that the religion teaches,"If a couple has done the spiritual work to earn their soul mate and their current partner is not their soul mate, then universal law says they must split and only two choices remain: divorce or die."

That's some serious shit right there! The source also added that Kabbalah doesn't look down on divorce "because it creates an opening for the other to be with the one they are supposed to be with."

You know, this sounds a lot like that episode of 90210 where that dumbass Kelly got sucked into that cult and Professor Finley told her that Dylan, not Brandon, was her soulmate to try to get her to break up with Brandon because he was a "negator". But it turned out Professor Finley only said that because Dylan had more money.

Before we get to our next moment, I'd like everyone to turn on their favorite rock station because Chinese Democracy makes it's radio debut today!!! So crack open a Dr. Pepper, crank it up, and rock out! (Well, you'll have to wait for about a minute first because of the intro.) You can hear the final version HERE.

#32 THOU SHALT NOT PISS OFF AXL (aka: The Stupid Fuckheads!)

Remember that Bruce Springsteen video where Bruce plucked a young Courtney Cox from the audience and brought her up on stage to dance badly with him? Ah yes, being pointed out of the crowd by your favorite singer during a concert is a great honor, EXCEPT if it is by W. Axl Rose. That is one time you do not want this to happen because usually it means you have done something that pissed him off. Examples of this type of behavior include throwing things (understandably), spitting (ok, that's understandable too), taking his picture (uhhhh), or giving him the stinkeye (with him on that one).The good part about this is that you don't have to wonder if you've done something to piss him off because he'll let you know by doing one (or more) of the following things:

Throwing you out:

Taking your camera, bringing you up on stage to insult in front of everybody, then throwing you out:

Calling you a Stupid Fuckhead and threatening to go home:

Actually going home:

But Axl loves us so sometimes he will show forgiveness and give you a second chance if you promise not to throw shit or spit on them again. For some reason though, this usually only happens in countries other than the United States:

So in summary, just remember the most important commandment of all: "THOU SHALT NOT PISS OFF AXL" and everything will be fine..............Unless some other guy pisses him off, because you'll suffer for his sins too.

Politco.com reported today that the Republican National Committee spent more than $150,000 on clothing, accessories, and beauty treatments for Sarah Palin since she was announced as John McCain's Vice-Presidental pick.

Financial disclosure statements documented the charges--all paid for by the RNC. They included:

$75,062.63 at a Minneapolis Neiman Marcus$49,425.74 at Saks Fifth Avenues in St. Louis and New York$4,716.49 for hair and makeup

Spokesperson Tracy Schmitt defended the spending saying,"With all of the important issues facing the country right now, it’s remarkable that we’re spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses. It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign."

That charitable purpose? The Foundation for Pissed off Republican Campaign Contributors.

In comparison, during Hillary Clinton's campaign, the Democratic National Committee saved money by buying white pantsuits from Sears and getting them dyed at Payless.

#33 Axl vs. Kurt Cobain (also known as: Shut your bitch up or I'll knock her to the pavement)

Our leader has had many antagonists over the years, but his arch-nemesis came in the form of one Kurt Cobain. While the two men were similar in many ways: both troubled lead singers of bigger-than-life bands with a bit of the batshit going on, they were polar opposites in the respect that while Axl was loving the fame and fortune of rockstar life complete with extravagant parties, a huge stage show including a horn section, and a supermodel girlfriend (The Evil Stephanie Seymour!!), Kurt struggled with his newfound fame and preferred to be miserable (how else can you explain marrying and procreating with Courtney Love?). Of course, the two were bound to clash eventually.

Kurt initially pissed off Axl when he dissed him after Axl's request to meet him after a show. Then Nirvana turned down an offer to join the Guns N' Roses/Metallica stadium tour in the summer of 1992. Axl was not pleased.

Everything came to head later that year at (where else?) the MTV Video Music Awards (are you understanding why MTV sucks now?). Both Guns N' Roses and Nirvana were there to perform. There was a little downtime in the backstage lot where both singers were hanging out with their ladies, which of course is a recipe for awesomeness like this:

Courtney (to Axl): "Do you want to be godfather to our daughter?"

The Evil Stephanie Seymour (sweetly): "Are you a model?" (Do you see? She's evil! Ok, that was pretty awesome)

Courtney: "Are you a brain surgeon?" (oh snap!)

Axl (to Kurt): "Shut your bitch up or I'll knock her to the pavement."

Sadly, nothing more ever came of the feud after that evening. Seems Loder was right about the incident blowing over. He was more right than even he knew at the time about stuff blowing over (if you took that as a Kurt blowing his head off joke, that's your own sick mind at work).

We now leave you with a musical adaptation of the aforementioned events by some guy on YouTube:

Nick Hogan was released from jail at 12:30 am this morning after serving 166 days of his eight-month sentence for his involvement in the drag racing crash that injured his friend John Graziano for life.

Nick's mother Linda peeled herself off her 18 year old boyfriend long enough to release the following statement:

"This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick's adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media's role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time."

Soooo, the biggest famewhore family on television wants their privacy now? That's pretty funny. Also funny is that while in jail, Nick reportedly said that hopes to get his own reality show! What's sad is that he probably will seeing as how VH1 is giving out reality shows to just about anyone these days (Real Chance at Love, Daisy of Love, I love VD's!). They can fucking call it Nick Should Know Better.

But right now, the media needs to leave them alone? Sorry brother, it don't work like that. I wish the media would give them privacy as in NEVER SHOWING THEM ON TELEVISION AGAIN!

Seriously, is there anyone in America (or any other country) who actually likes these brats? Is there seriously anybody that enthusiastically watches Brooke Knows Best (and I don't mean watch it in an ironic "why is this annoying giant chick with no talent, personality, or any redeeming qualities relevant enough to warrant a national 30 minute television show?" kind of way.) I mean, Jesus! Nick and Brooke Hogan make Jack and Kelly Osbourne look like Donny and Marie Osmond. Enough already. Nobody likes them!!

The first season of Hogan Knows Best was ok and kind of fun BEFORE THE FAMILY TURNED INTO A FREAKIN' TRAINWRECK (or is that carwreck?)!! And that show was centered around someone who was actually famous for their accomplishments. And now that I bring him up, I'm sick of him too! He's just as much a famewhore as the rest of them. Anyone catch Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling? Yeah, he could disappear too. And I'm a wrestling fan! (When Hulk's music hit on Monday Night Raw a couple weeks ago, I was actually relieved when it was Charlie Haas doing an impression!)

Ok, I think I'm about done. I just had to get that out.

Oh yeah, one more thing... Wanna know the first thing Nick did to make a "positive difference" when he got out of jail? He had a loud party! Seems he's taking the Paris Hilton route to post lockup enlightenment.

There is no one who can top an Axl rant. They are the things that legends are made of. Being able to witness one in person, however, is a truly special experience.

Cut to: December 5th, 2002, a night I will never forget. This was the first tour with the new band and they played to a sold-out crowd at New York's Madison Square Garden.

A couple of songs into the show Axl took a break to call out talk show host Conan O'Brian, who apparently had recently been making cracks about Axl's weight gain on his show. So in response, Axl did the only logical thing. He brought out a box of Krispy Kreme donuts as a gift to Conan. Conan wasn't there, but his loss was the audience's gain as Axl tossed the glazed goodies out into the crowd. (I must note here that I was one of the chosen ones to receive this sacred communion from our leader. Not many people can say Axl Rose gave them a donut, but I can!)

So take that Conan and take that all you people who say Axl doesn't give a shit about his fans! How many bands do you know that not only give their fans a show, but Krispy Kreme donuts too?

Unfortunately the next night, fans in Philadelphia weren't so lucky as Axl canceled that show and the remainder of the tour. He didn't leave them any donuts either.

#35 WHOA-AH-OH-AH-OH-AHFree Fallin'

Remember when the MTV Video Music Awards (no, we're not going there just yet) was an awesome and unpredictable evening full of great music, legendary performances, and fun surprises instead of the shitfest it is now? (If you are under the age of 27 don't even bother trying to remember.)

One of the best VMA moments came during 1989's show when Tom Petty was joined on stage by a "special guest" to duet with him on his hit "Free Fallin'." Well, if you can call it a duet, we don't hear Tom much after the first verse. It's kind of a WTF pairing and you gotta love the look on Tom's face as the whole thing goes down. It's one of bewilderment, amusement, and fear. Pure awesomeness.

I mentioned the awesomeness of Axl's rants above, but the Krispy Kreme clip was kind of hard to understand so I found another that better demonstrates the sheer power of an Axl rant. All kidding aside, the subject matter is actually very sad and serious, but the delivery is award-worthy. He goes on for nearly six minutes straight, incorporating character voices, obscene gestures, and ends it all with a segue into the next song.

Take notes Kayne, that's how you do a rant- live and ballsout, not some dumbass CAPSlock bullshit.

Pete Burns of the band Dead or Alive has won a lawsuit against a clinic on London's Harley Street for botched cosmetic surgery to his lips. The surgeon who performed the surgery admitted liability in a hearing last week. Pete may be awarded as much as $1.85 million dollars.

Pete claims he's had to have more than 100 further procedures to correct damage done after he suffered an adverse reaction to collagen implants in his lips. He said that he was in so much pain that he couldn't talk, eat, or drink. He also claimed that he didn't leave his house for seven months because he looked "repulsive" and was also "suicidal."

The suicidal part however had nothing to do with his botched lip surgery, it was when he heard this.