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Saturday night I’m kickin’ it at a buddy’s place, playin’ games an’ such, and we happen to have the Miss America pageant on the television, for background noise and the traditional ridicule. So we get to the end of the show, with the five finalists, and Tony Danza (and oy, wasn’t THAT a bad choice for a host. Get Regis back up there, it was on his network anyhow, and he’s got the Bert Parks vibe that the show needs.) finishes with the classic Loaded Question segment that is standard for these things. Then, he turns to the camera, and says “Coming up next, the Miss America Quiz.”

That’s right….the Miss America Pageant now has a goddamn SPEED ROUND.

I kid you not. Coming out of the break, five finalists standing at five podiums, locking in their answers to multiple choice questions about history and current events. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Tony Danza ask to “clear the board, please.”

When I was in third grade, we went on a field trip to the local Peter Paul / Cadbury Chocolate plant. (This was before PP was snapped up by Hershey’s.) I distinctly remember being led past the conveyor belt upon which Almond Joy bars were being manufactured. At the point after the almonds were dispensed onto the coconut patties, but before the chocolate bath that would cover them, worked four ladies, two on either side of the belt.

Their job? Almond straighteners.

Yep. They were to look over the rows of almond-studded coconut patties, and if any almonds were not oriented lengthwise, parallel with their coconut raft, they were to re-orient the almond such that it was. And you thought your job sucked.

The reason this comes to mind is because I just bought my first Almond Joy in like a year out of the vending machine here at work. (I like Almond Joy just fine, dunno why I don’t buy them more, just don’t.) And wouldn’t you know it, when I get the two chocolate-covered coconut delights out of the wrapper, the first thing I notice is that one of the almonds is oriented 90 degrees from the other three.