“People in the North West don’t feel grown up until they hit 25, new research reveals.”

We opted not to use the, ahem, story, mainly because it’s a load of rubbish.

And anyway, is this really a shock? Surely I can’t be the only one who thinks people don’t actually grow up at all? Especially men. I am nearer 40 than 25 and still feel like a child most of the time. Most of my friends are immature idiots – and I mean that in a nice way!

If Mrs Short tells me off for spilling a drink on the carpet I sulk for an hour, just like I did when I was 10.

I am just as likely to sell the family cow for a handful of magic beans as I ever was.

I want to be all grown up and sensible now that I have children of my own but I can’t help it. When the kids dismantled the sofa and chucked all the big cushions on the floor to form a giant crashmat, then leapt off the windowsill onto it, I am ashamed to say I wasn’t chastising them about how they could hit their heads on the coffee table, or ordering them to put it all back – I was calling them names for not being brave enough to jump from the top of the bookshelf, and joining in myself.

Although the beauty of it is when the coffee table finally got cracked, I blamed it on the eldest boy and he missed his supper for telling lies about daddy. (Sorry son – one day you’ll understand why I had to do this).

I want to read important books in my spare time instead of shooting aliens on the Playstation. Or not think I’m John Travolta circa 1979 when I’ve had a few too many drinks. I want to – but I can’t.

Our bosses at work still have the same nicknames we gave to our teachers at school, don’t they?

In fact, the only people who are grown up were grown up even when they were kids.

When I was a little boy, like every child, I fell for the grown up myth.

I thought dads must get sent to some sort of secret dad school to learn skills like fixing leaks under the sink or assembling bikes.

Now I know we just fudge it and tell lies to our kids.

“Daddy, why are old films in black and white? “Err, because the world didn’t turn colour until 1971, son.”

It’s all lies. And the biggest lie of all is that we ever grow up.

Not just men, either – women too. Oh yes, they act all sensible with their “pregnancies” and “jobs”, but after being taken prisoner by a hen party in Cardiff in 2002, forced to wear pink fairy wings and dance on tables as they bayed for more, more, more, no one will ever convince me otherwise.