4 Unintentionally Hilarious Guides for Depressing Situations

The Couples Guide to Great Sex Over 40

Dr. Culley Carson and Diana Wiley, M.A., 1993

I know what you're thinking: sex over 40 isn't depressing! That's because you're thinking about milfy 41-year-olds. There aren't any of those in this video. Before I begin, I want to qualify that I like older ladies. I've dated women in their 40s since I was in my 20s, I will continue to do so when I'm in my 70s. Here's what I like about them: you've probably heard that women know whether or not they're going to sleep with a guy within the first five minutes. And while that's usually true, I've seen a lot of women in their 20s and 30s change their minds after six beers and a finger. Women over 40 have already seen themselves do that enough times to take that into account; they operate like they've just had six beers and a finger at all times. They still might not want to sleep with you, but you'll know that quickly and with unwavering certainty.

So what I'm saying is that I was really looking forward to The Couples Guide to Great Sex Over 40. But five minutes in, I realized I was going to be doing a lot of terrified shrieking. For example, these two have included a "fur mitt" in their lovemaking. Because when the lights are off, every guy wearing only a potholder is Chewbacca, am I right, ladies?

Most of the couples in the video are "Over 40" in the same way an abortion is "Almost a Baby." And before these 60-year-olds begin their sexing, they are interviewed about sex "after 40." This is their chance to educate the world about the wonders of mummy sexuality, but all they do is go down the list and verify every single stereotype there has ever been about old people boning. I learned so much from the aged: genitals don't work on either person, their pee is as untrustworthy as coloreds, they throw their backs out, ear hair ... by the time they start their actual sex I was half expecting them to ram into each other on their scooters and complain that all this damp weather is making their knee act up.

Oh, but the sex is much more explicit than a scooter accident. It is full in-and-out elderly pornography. And there's something so extra dirty about watching people have sex when they're doing it for education and true love. My favorite couple is 50ish Ruth & Nick, who came ready to make a show out of it. They're each a few classifications deep into a BMI chart and, at least for a second or two, they're dressed in glittery underpants. I imagine that long ago there was a seamstress making a pair of satin panties for men in XXL and thinking, "No good can come of this." She was wrong. Nick makes them work.

Nick and Ruth's sex scene comes right after an informative section on pubococcygeus muscles. The video let me know that at a certain age, women replace these muscles to make room for bridge score sheets. One happy side effect of this is that when women over 40 go swimming, sea creatures are able to both visit and escape their pelvic floor.

Nick and Ruth hate all the cleanup of Ruth's pubococcygeus muscles dropping constant waste where she stands, so they incorporate a kegel exerciser into their lovemaking. It's like a dumbbell for your vagina, and with truly amazing porno acting skills, Nick pretends to give it to Ruth as a present. She is excited and fascinated by it like a caveman seeing a cigarette lighter, but no one seems to care that her bra somehow vanishes mid-conversation. Then, in glittery underpants, Nick insists on reading the instructions. "And then you put ... you insert it up... uhh... insert it up to the first knob." Ruth responds, "Eww, it's cold." I seriously cannot wait for geriatric sex -- it is going to be hilarious.

Wheelchair Workout with beginning Karate

featuring Patrick Horgan with Sensei Gregory Aldred, 1996

Learning wheelchair karate is like learning how to improvise a dental dam out of a rubber glove. It's fun to practice and think about, but if you ever need to use it, it's only after some very bad personal decisions. Although say you do wheel into the kind of neighborhood that attacks people in wheelchairs, this video will still do nothing to help you. It's horrible. Even if it's for inspirational purposes only, it fails at that because its existence implies that there's an exploitable consumer market that is both disabled and stupid.

Before the workout, someone named Paul Southwick interviews handicapped athlete Patrick Horgan in a TV studio. Literally everything about these circumstances terrifies young Paul, and he's so damn nervous that he keeps reading Patrick's answers to the setup questions. Here, I'll show you an example. This is a word-for-word transcription:

So it's a little inspirational that Patrick didn't call him a dumbass and roll away. And it doesn't get any better when the karate starts. The instructor, unwheelchaired Sensei Gregory Aldred, seems to have learned karate from a video about wheelchair karate, which as far as I'm concerned, is now the very worst place a person can learn about karate. Oh, and don't think that Patrick is some long time student of Sensei Greg and together they've developed a special wheeled version of the ancient Oriental fighting arts. Sensei Greg saw Patrick come into his dojo yesterday and his eyeballs turned into dollar signs.

Sensei Greg begins the workout by sitting so close that Patrick can't move his right arm. It doesn't matter because by any standards, Sensei Greg isn't very good at karate. In fact, I've never actually seen anyone be so bad at anything and not die from it. Patrick follows along fine with only one hand since Sensei Greg's style of karate is mostly kegels.

When someone is more douchebag than warrior, they tend to embrace the "spiritual" aspects of martial arts. Sensei Greg is all over that stuff. Every fruity pantomime he does has some dubious cultural symbolism and he throws punches like he's mending a dress. But the worst thing about this video is that it retailed for over $20, lasts less than 10 minutes, and teaches you nothing. Three minutes of finger stretching, three minutes of arm-waving, and three minutes of watching Patrick throw punches for the first time is not a workout, and if anything will only make the viewer more handicapped. It's so fucking short that the video in its entirety fits on one YouTube clip. And speaking of, please enjoy:

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