ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ’28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ‘super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.

When one thinks of the greatest threats to humanity, often it is humanity itself that tops the list. Then one thinks of zombies and realizes that, though derived from humans, zombies really have no trace of humanity left in their rotting flesh corpses as they mindlessly march us toward our (and ironically their) extinction. Then one thinks of how a zombie bear would obviously be much more dangerous than a zombie human. Thus one finds mankind’s worst enemy: The Zombie Bear.

Much like a human zombie, a zombie bear will track down and attempt to eat any living animal it can; especially its brains. But regular bears, being animals as they are, have a natural “anti-zombie instinct” that allows them to detect when zombie “life” forms are present. Just like when a dog starts barking at a zombie because it realizes the impending doom that is certain to engulf the whole of the animal kingdom. So most bears will naturally avoid zombies of any type (especially of the bear variety) and head north, where it is safer due to the cold, harsh climate and those shifty Canadians. Bear numbers will fall, but ultimately they will not face extinction; only man, and the livestock and grains that owe their dependency to us, face this certain peril.

Zombie bears will attack people for the same reason zombie humans do: humans are the easiest thing to track down and eat. Also, humans have the tastiest brains, and can be found in great numbers pretty much anywhere around the world, especially China. Our only hope relies on two conditions:

There will not be many zombie bears to terrorize us. If there are too many for us to properly respond to, they will likely force humanity to live in a system of underground caves, where we will subside for several millennia, until the posh, luxury laden class of sub-humans arise and live upon the bounty of a rejuvenated earth, only to be harvested at night and eaten by the hideous Morlocks still residing beneath the surface.

The zombie virus that infects bears does not jump from species to species; i.e. zombie bears do not make zombie humans upon biting humans.

As I said before, normal bears will likely be able to avoid the dreaded zombie bear and properly expel it from their community by dumping it upon ours. So, with condition one being met, we only need to hope that the zombie bear virus is not adapted to interspecies infection. Luckily, for us, there is evidence appearing that it isn’t.

August 25th, 2005; John Otter was hiking with his daughter, Jenna, in Glacier National Park in Montana. Then a bear appeared. I smell trouble. The bear attack John, who valiantly defended his daughter from da bear. The bear gave John some serious injuries: five major bites over his body, a broken eye socket, three broken ribs, and five broken vertebrae. But perhaps most disturbing is that the bear ripped off his scalp, exposing his skull. Otter said he tried to protect his head, but remarked “I could feel the tooth going in.” Obviously this bear was a zombie that not only tried to devour Otter’s flesh, but also his delicious brains. It is unknown as to why the bear did not finish off John Otter, though many speculate that there are high concentrations of silver and naturally occurring Holy Water in the area, perhaps “spooking” the zombie bear, if such a thing can be done. Luckily for civilization, John Otter did not become a zombie himself and devour his family, converting them into the first recruits of an undefeatable Army of the (Un)Dead. In fact, as far as you know, he made a full recovery (in Area 51).

Need more proof that there are zombie bears but in fact that the zombie bear virus is not transmittable to humans? Cite example dos:

Brent Case, a 53 year old outdoorsman from Vancouver Island, Canada, was a victim in what many people think is a classic zombie bear attack. Case said he saw a 900 pound grizzly bear coming at him aggressively (as if bears know any other way to approach people), and dropped to the ground to play dead. But that didn’t stop this zombie bear from ripping into the un-undead Case.

First the bear grabbed one of Case’s arms and tore into it, obviously to satisfy its desire for living blood and flesh. Then the bear bit into his head, leaving his scalp in bloody flaps and putting gaping wounds into his skull. As Case recounts the terrifying incident, “[I thought] ‘He’s eating my brains. I know it, I can feel it. I hope he gets over it soon.’ I was hurting so bad…” And what kind of bears eat brains? ZOMBIE BEARS – exactly!

Case did, in spite of logic, survive the incident and did not succumb to the zombie virus. He even made an appearance on the Today show after the incident, and made no remarks of wanting to eat Meredith Vieira’s brains. The bear was found and shot, though the body “mysteriously” disappeared without explanation. Is it just me or is the government getting lazier and lazier with its cover-ups?

So there you have it people, zombie bears: worse than Lex Luther, the Black Plague, and Communists all put together.

I don’t know about you, but I find that bear (or, some might argue, that Belgian Malinois) to be pretty bad-ass. But that’s because it’s not directly in front of me. It would still be bad-ass, sure, but it’d also be terribly frightful. And if that doesn’t scare you, well this should:

Half Bear, Half Dragon, All Metal

Looking at that almost makes me crap my pants. In the bad way, too.

Whatever can we do to protect ourselves from bears, be they real or partially mythical and/or created by a friend on paint in Norfolk? One word: Smith & Wesson’s Model 500ES – Emergency Survival Kit. Or, as I have dubbed it, the Bear Survival Kit. Looky here:

Boi yeah! Eat lead, bear! The kit comes with many useful tools, such as a stylish waterproof case, compass, and a whistle, so you can blow it to try to scare off the bear in case you don’t have time to get to the gun. But that’s not all, it also includes some emergency space blankets, for those times when you find yourself trapped in orbit outside the earth’s atmosphere and are struggling to keep warm. But that’s still not all! The Blast Match™ Firestarter will allow you to start a fire under almost any conditions. Pay the extra money and upgrade to the Drew Barrymore Firestarter, which will allow you to start a fire under any and all conditions through Miss Barrymore’s unique pyrokinesis. Excellent!

Still not enough to get you to float the $1,500 necessary to own this assuredly life-saving kit? Well, the kit also includes a signal mirror, some sort of saw, and Smith & Wesson Extreme Ops Liner Lock Folding Knife with Black Sheath. That knife sounds cool, huh? You bet it does. Buy it today! And, if you’re worried that there won’t be any bears around to defend yourself against, you can easily pass the time by reading Bear Attacks of the Century – True Stories of Courage and Survival by Larry Mueller. (You can click on that link, but that book won’t do you any good without the survival kit, idiot.)

Sure, all of those goodies are nice, and necessary for survival, but the true centerpiece is the snub-nose.

If, for nothing else, you have to get the kit for this. As long as you bring this baby along, you’ll ensure safety for yourself and your loved ones. This stainless steal .500 caliber beaut weighs a little under three-and-a-half pounds unloaded. With an overall length of nine inches and a five round capacity, you’re guaranteed to either kill that attacking bear or really piss him off. And I mean super pissed off.

Rest assured, people, anyone who does not own this kit is sure to be killed by a savage, vicious bear. And it will be rather unpleasant. I’ve written several letters to the president to try to get these issued to every American at birth (right along with one’s birth certificate) but I have yet to get a response.

Added bonus: This could be a hearty addition to your zombie survival kit. I recommend buying it now.

CHERNOBYL, Ukraine – Recent press releases from the Ukrainian government on today reported that that Chernobyl and Prypiat have gone nearly a week without a recorded zombie incident. If these reports hold true, it would be the longest such period of peace since the Chernobyl nuclear disaster took place in 1986.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, (named World’s Hottest Prime Minister by Maxim Magazine [Author’s note – not true, but should be be]), confirmed the reports in an address to the press. “Our zombie-proofing measures in the Zone of Alienation have been paying off, and we are clearly gaining an advantage against our enemies, the undead.” Tymoshenko continued, saying “We will not rest until the body of every zombie in Prypiat and Chernobyl have gone up in flames.”

Below: Ukrainian PrimeMinister Yulia TymoshenkoTotal PMILF!!!

Zombies have rarely been able to get beyond the perimeter fence of the Zone of Alienation due to their poor motor skills. But the zombie population inside the zone is fed by a constant flow of unemployed looters who illegally enter the zone to plunder its many unoccupied residences. Many of these looters find themselves trapped by a mob of the undead and become one themselves. However, due to a recent crackdown by the Ukrainian military as ordered by the government, the ghouls walk about in far fewer numbers, and no zombie related incidents have been reported since last Saturday.

“This has been a long time coming,” further commented Tymoshenko. “We must remain vigilant and we can rid Chernobyl of its post-apocalyptic zombie ridden madness. Once we do, it will just be normal post-apocalyptic madness.”

Exciting news! A disturbing discovery by renowned authors of the WWII subject matter lead them on a chase through history culminating in what is expected to be a groundbreaking book. Mark Walker teamed up with German author Michael Schaaf to write Hitler, Zombich, und die Häagan-Dazs, a book describing the efforts of Nazi scientist to perfect zombies, which were to be launched en masse against allied forces in Europe.

I will give you a thorough overview of the book. It may be lengthy, but it is obviously much shorter, and hopefully inspires you to get the full story from the authors. They spoke of how initially the zombification project was headed by two teams, one military and one civilian. The ghoul research effort most widely discussed was that of the Kaiser Wilhelm Institute, led by the physicist Werner Heisenberg. The second was a Heereswaffenamt military team under the scientific leadership of Professor Kurt Diebner. Diebner also had some interaction with Heisenberg on zombie virus design during the war, but the projects which they led were quite separate.

All German zombie research was originally funded through the Reichspost (German Post Office), under the Reich Research Council; however, in 1942, armaments minister Albert Speer reorganized zombie research and switched all funding to only support development of human zombies.

Dr. Groth and Dr. Paul Harteck were dismayed at the loss of funding for military use of zombies for weapons. Harteck in particular had worked with Dr. Fritz Houtermans on the problem of active braincell reanimation (from a corpse). These men were keenly aware of the Austrian scientist Prof. Josef Schintlmeister, who proposed in 1940 for the construction of a zombie free range ranch and aquarium.

Groth and Harteck led a team of biologists and chemists in 1942 to persuade Hermann Goering and Martin Bormann to fund an alternate zombie project to Heisenberg’s.

Dr. Paul Harteck, chief zombiologist of the German army, had helped to develop the zombie virus invented by Dr. Erich Bagge, in 1942 at Kiel. The virus was also known as a synapse sluice. It has since come to be known as the “Harteck Virus”.

Harteck initially led a team at Hamburg attempting to create a zombie operated U-boat. After the bombing of Hamburg in July 1943, the Kriegsmarine shifted its undead project to Stettin under admirals Karl Witzell and Otto Rhein. Zombie expert Dr. Otto Haxel took over scientific leadership of the Oberkommando der Marine ghoul project. In April 1944 Harteck was responsible for gaining Nazi funding for industrial scale zombification of Jews. Orders were placed with BMAG Meguin for production of Jew and gypsy corpses.

Undead ore was sourced from western Czechoslovakia at Jachymov, then known as Joachimsthal. It was refined by Auergesellschaft at Oranienburg north of Berlin.

According to Walker and Schaaf, controversy could abound the Nazi development of zombies. This controversy places huge reliance upon Heisenberg’s inability to identify the average cross section of braincell release during reanimation. At the presentation given by Harteck to Nazi leaders in 1942, however, it was correctly identified that one only needed a zombie brain “the size of a pineapple.”

The authors also added that the intentions of Heisenberg’s team will be a matter of historical controversy, centering on whether or not the scientists involved were genuinely attempting to build an undead army for Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler, or were trying to hinder development of zombies. Heisenberg’s project was not a military success by any measure.

In efforts with Dr. Robert Döpel at Leipzig in May 1942, a chimpanzee reanimation had been sustained by using two live brains of dead, infected chimpanzees separated by heavy water. However, Heisenberg failed to provide any means for controlling the reanimation. It quickly resulted in a runaway outbreak which ended with a devoured team of esteemed scientists.

A heavy water zombie test reactor was built in a cave in Haigerloch. This reactor never reached critical condition, because the amount of braincell reanimation was never sufficient. Its approach was different from the earlier experiment and used cubes of brains suspended by chains.

Simply fascinating. We already knew the evil Nazis were working on an atomic bomb, but zombies too? Damn, they’re like, ultra-mega fucking evil, as if the holocaust wasn’t enough. Good going, Germany.