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Friday, 21 March 2008

acceptence and allowences : secrets and lies

When I was in my forth year of highschool (maybe fifth, but I think forth) all of my friends had boys- or girlfriends. I was going through my ‘not eating’ phase and went to the bottom of not accepting myself at all. I knew somethin was wrong with me (me having my two worlds: outer and the other that I defined as inner). I didn’t feel as if I was accepted by others as much as I wanted to, and had absolutely no self acceptance. So I created this separate reality in my head, in my mind, where I was the star and everyone loved me.Whenever I got bored or just felt like doing something else I just slipped into my mind and entertain myself.I think I did this for the first time 6-4 years ago while being in the car in Spain. Always long rides when being in Spain. I had nothing to do and wanted to do anything but sitting in a car. So it came to me that I can actually do whatever I want, I can do it in my mind. Why day dream from time to time when you can actually create an entire world in which you can go to whenever you want to do whatever you want! So that’s what I did.And I had lots of fun.I would have lots of friends and a completely different body. I would do all sort of stuff in my head : sing, dance, play guitar, have boyfriends, party, just lay in the sun (I could literally recreate any kind of experience, make them as real as I would like, be specific about touch, sight, smell, sound…) .There were about 12 characters (mind created) that returned from time to time, 2 of them were regulars.At some point when talking to my friends I would mix ‘real’ stories with ‘mind created stories’. I’d talk about the mind created characters as if they were real persons.At that time, I didn’t think of it as lying. I just saw it as entertaining my friends and myself. When people told me stories, I could tell if it was complete bull shit, partly bullshit or just what really happened. But I didn’t give a fuck whether they told me something real or not. And when I knew it was BS I never said it to them. Cause I had the impression we were living in an utterly fake world, so why the heck shouldn’t we just make up fake things? It don’t matter. Everything we did with friends didn’t matter. We were just entertaining eachother with stories and talk about what we had done in the weekend because we had nothing else to do. We were all this little system kiddies feeding eachothers systems and making more sysems inside of us. And I was there with no real storis to tell, because basically I’m a calm person and in my free time I’m good with the company that is me (and my mind back then), so I told them stuff I made up. And I didn’t feel bad about it. They were happy, they took it, I was happy, no-one was bored and I guessed they’d never find out it was all made up (they still don’t know).My stories would become soooo long and soooo complex after a period of time that I even forgot how stuff really went in the stories I told. After a while I questioned a lot of events like “hm, was that a real event, or was that one of the part that I made up?”

My stories were well told, were complex, specific…I still really don’t see it as lying… Although it is something that I allowed myself to do. And now I feel guilty while I know that I shouldn’t be.Cause really, I don’t see what I did “wrong”. I feel guilty, because I was raised to tell the truth.Tell truth = good Not tell truth = lie = NOT GOOD.

And then I thought self honesty was about truth. But it is not. But I still feel like I need to “confess” this ‘lie’ to my friends, to my family.But it wouldn’t be confessing if deep down I really hmmm – how to put this – I never did it to do ‘bad’. I did it because hmm. Yes why did I do it? Well, just because of the fake thing that I saw as existence that made no sense + it’s not because it didn’t make sense and that it was fake that I didn’t want to be part of it. Caue to a certain extent I wanted to be part of it. Because I wented to be accepted, and loved by the fakeness.Why do I write this? To be honest : I write this because I just want to get rid of this guilt feeling.I guess I could tell the “truth” to get rid of the feeling. But then I would play the ‘good-bad’ game and tell the truth cause I feel bad. And that’s not a good starting point.Another starting point could be me facing and testing myself by telling them what I did. Not judging what I did. Tell them while being clear within myself. Cause if I go and tell them now, they’re gonna explode and their reactions will be all over the place, me creating even more reactions, total mind fuse, regeneration. And I don’t feel like giving my mind that right now.Hmm, do I have other stuff to tell… Oh right.

I wrote this text in fabruari and now clearly see how dishonest I was, and how I was just trying to justify what I did. All mind blabbering. My starting point now it to get rid of secrets, take responseability for them and take them out.

So for me then existence was shit and there was no way out. All my friends were into drugs and I got interested in drugs too because it seemed to soften “the pain of existence”, make you miserable in the end, die young etc, but that didn’t matter to me as long as I would have a solution quick.I started to look for opium and stuff. Asked around by my friends. Got scared of opium related stuff and then got my hands on speed.

The speed story was eeuhm, quite a story for me. Speed gave me trust, confidence a “I am king of the world feeling”.So, I did that for a while.First only when going out.Then also before school.During exams. During exams I’d be home alone. Study with music on maximum volume. And I knew where the speed was. I could just go up and get it. So I did. My grades were good as always. My oral exams I did with great confidence (and with some whiskey).

Oh and the speed was also good with loosing weight so that’s lots of mindfucks going on together.

But then at one point… I understood that I really didn’t need that drugs. Cause I was experimenting with putting feelings inside you. Like you can be whatever yo want to. Just make the happy feeling inside you, the ‘I’m-in-love-feeling’, depressed feeling whatver. You know what it feels like cause you can recognise it so just put it inside you and become it.So I did that with the feelings I liked when taking speed. I could put self confidence in me.I could put trust in me. I could put the’I-feel-like-chatting-all-day-long’ feeling inside.

I used up the speed I had and then never did that again. You fuck your body up big time when taking that stuff. And why pay money for getting those feelings when you can make yourself feel whatever you want to in a way that it doesn’t ruin your body. The drugs only got out of me what was already there. So I had all these things in me I just never used them.

So I played a bit with the feeling stuff but that got boring soon too. And then went back to “normal” life.So the speed and the story telling stuff was about around the same time.

I stopped the mind reality when I found desteni. I said goodbye to it and never entered it again. I thought I would miss it and would never be able to stay away from it but here I am and it’s been 4 months.

Haha, now I think of it I did some crazy stuff. I even wrote e-mail to myself with an email adres I made up for one of my mind characters and then use that adres to write mails to me and entertain me. Also so I could show my friends and so they would not question my stories.

I remember getting nervous all the time when they would ask me for their pictures. Because I had none of course. I’d just tell them something like ‘yea sure’ and then didn’t do it and they would just forget about it.

So yea, I pretty much told the same stores to everyone I knew.And while writing this text I decided that I will tell them everything. I will tell them once I get to the point in my process where I can stand clear and tell them without having any reaction and without any reactions to their reactions. When I get to the point where I realise and know that there’s no one that can do anything to me.

I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but that’s how I’m going to do it. So I’m just going to focus on my process, do self forgivenss, use the given tools. And when the time is rtight I will tell them. And I will have no shame.

I also made up those people, boyfriends so I could tell my sister about it. Cause she had boyfriends and stories to tell and I didn't. I wanted to keep up with her and be worthy in her eyes. Not been seen as a pathetic little sister about which she was ashamed. Then I also told the stories to my borther cause I felt the same way about him. And now it's out.