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Friday, April 20, 2012

Enough

(Not to be confused with the other post I wrote that was also called "Enough." I should probably invest in a thesaurus.)

Way back at the end of January, I got my W-2 in the mail. I said to myself, "Self, this year I am going to do my taxes in February." And then all of a sudden it was April. I got my taxes done with two days to spare. The point is, sometimes I mean well, and then time gets away from me. I was going to blog once a week in April, and all of a sudden, it's the 20th. But that's neither here nor there.

I've been thinking about something lately. Actually, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, because I am an adult human being and that's how I function. But I have been thinking about blogging and Roo and what I feel like I still need to say here (don't worry, there's plenty). One thing keeps coming up for me, and the visit I had today cemented it for me.

This is probably going to come out all wrong. Words have been failing me a lot lately, and it's not a comfortable thing for me. It seems to happen most often with things that are important. I wonder if it's a product of happiness. When I was super depressed I could find the words I needed pretty quickly. Now that I am mentally healthy, I stutter.

I digress.

I was thinking a few weeks ago about how I am definitely not where I thought I would be in life if I'd had to predict my future in years past. I'm not where I thought I'd be as a teenager picturing her late twenties, and I'm not where I thought I'd be 2 ½ years post-placement. I always pictured a husband and children. After placement, I thought I'd at least have the husband.

It used to bother me a lot more that I'm still single. I'm okay with it now. I've been working on being okay with the no-children part as well. And that brings me to my point today.

I spent a long time feeling like God owed me a baby to make up for placing Roo (I know it sounds stupid, but it's true). I felt like there was going to be this emotional hole in me that only a child of my own could properly fill. I thought that some part of me would always hate having placed Roo until I had children of my own to parent. I thought that I would be lacking because I had a baby but I'm not her mother.

What I have come to realize is that none of those things are true. They might have been true of the Jill who placed a child for adoption
2 ½ years ago, but they're not true of me now.

I left my visit today feeling almost crushed by the weight of my gratitude to my Father in Heaven for Roo and her awesome family. It was such a lovely visit, and Roo is the most marvelous little person. She is sweet and feisty, clever and talkative and entirely too smart for her own good. And she reminds me so forcefully of both of her parents that I have a hard time seeing myself in her at all and I absolutely love that.

I prayed as I drove, trying to find the words to thank Heavenly Father for this amazing little girl I love so much and for her family. I felt unequal to the task. How can I ever find the right words? All I could think was, I certainly don't deserve any of them but I want to become the kind of person who does. I want to be a better person because they love me. How blessed am I to have people in my life who love me and make me a better person?

As I drove home, I realized something that's been itching at my brain for months now. There are no guarantees in life. I may never have a child of my own. I don't know what God has in store for me. But - and here's the kicker - if I never do have children, if I become the crazy old single lady that all the neighborhood kids are afraid of, it won't matter to me, not one bit.

Because I am Roo's birth mother, and that's enough for me. Roo is enough. If she's all I ever get, then I am still more blessed than I have any right to be. How can I believe the Lord owes me something when He gave me so much more than I deserve? He gave me Roo, and even though I am not her real mother, I get to love her with a mother's love. I get to love her forever.

If she's it for me, I have nothing to complain about and I never will. If she's all I ever get, she's more than enough, and she always will be.

8 comments:

Thank you so much for every single post you write. Your views on so many things ring true to me and I look up to you, and appreciate what you say. You're an amazing person! Roo is a lucky girl to have such a wonderful family and such a wonderful birth mom.

First off - when I am depressed I am a much better writer. My depressed poetry is the bomb.

Second - I wish there were guarantees! Birth moms especially deserve them! I hope I can someday get to the same healthy point you are at. I still get a little frustrated with Heavenly Father that Joci's birth parents are struggling so. Don't they deserve the blessings of heaven to pour out on them? Of course they do...but it isn't happening. So hopefully I can mature a bit and get to where you are.

I feel like I'm getting there. That if Melanie is all I ever get for a daughter than I'm okay with that. Even though I'm just her birth mom and not the woman raising her and loving on her every day. Thanks for ending on such a positive note.

You write beautifully. More than that you are obviously a beautiful person who loves unconditionally and who deserves to create her own happiness. Don't ever sell yourself short. Roo's a lucky little girl, not merely because of her wonderful adoptive parents, but because she has a heck of a birth mother. You deserve all the happiness you want and every desire in your heart.

Me Me Me

My name is Jill. I had a baby girl, Roo, on July 7th, 2009. I handed her to her mommy and daddy on September 9th, 9 weeks later.
This blog is my attempt to make sense of things and it is my hope that when Roo is older, she'll read it, and maybe she'll understand.