Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It was 3:00am, the morning of nine-eleven-two thousand three...

As a counselor I am taught to look for triggers from my past to find the answers to my present situation. Well, I finally found some of the answers. I need to tell you that I have been struggling since I received some bad e-mails a few weeks ago. After the e-mails I decided to post my statement of faith. Well, I assumed I would feel much better after the post....but I didn't. The more I tried to pretend that I was better...the worse I got! So, I finally faced the dark cloud that I have fought all month. The dark cloud is September 11. The day the US was attacked. As a blogger I try so hard to stay out of any political wars. But, I have realized this is not a war against other bloggers or those with different beliefs.......this is a war within myself. Here is an excerpt from my book. Perhaps this will help others understand me. And give you anidea of the confusion I experience at times. My daughter found this picture and I decided to add it to my words. This is a picture of all the many people who died on September 11.Note, this is how my book begins. Only byacknowledgment can one find healing. It was 3:00am, the morning of nine-eleven-two thousand three. The flashing lights from my clock lit the room. It was too early to be awake, a heavy sick feeling rested in my stomach. Was it the memory of my husband’s family, and the friends they lost this day, two years ago...? Or could it be that this day held something even more frightening…? My mind drifted back…

My husband was born and raised in New York before he began his trip out west to attend Bible College. It was there we met, in the early 1980’s, and were married shortly after. The mid-west would become our home, but New York City was where my new family lived. After twenty years I felt like I was part of this large family and New York was my favorite visiting place, with so much love and happy memories. Every visit meant that incredible view of the Twin Towers from my in-laws window. The view shared so many people on their way to work everyday, each with a different face, and a different story to tell. The morning of the attack seemed like any other morning. I was in my home switching the channels on the television when, in a flash, fear filled the air. A plane had hit one of the towers, and within minutes, another plane went soaring through its twin. Instantly, a blanket of confusion and grief covered the United States.

Knowing that my brother-in-law worked as a New York City police officer, the reality that his life could be in danger was causing my family to panic. He managed a brief phone call assuring us that he was alive, but as the phone went dead seconds later, I felt myself slipping. I was losing all my happy memories and the only past I had chosen to tell my children. As the day went by, it felt like weeks. Once again, death was only moments away from those I love. The day America lost so many lives reminded me of my loss also, the loss of my own childhood and the reality of the dark cavity resting within me. I was no longer able to forget my childhood and to tell only the stories of my life in New York City. Now, this incredible city would be another tragedy from which I must run.

As I lay in bed, I closed my eyes tightly and curled up, wanting to forget about the huge dark cloud and the belief that there was nowhere to hide from danger. It would become impossible to escape from the flashbacks of my past. I slowly pulled the covers up over my head and tried to return to sleep. Soon enough, the alarm clock went off and my day began like every other. My secrets keep pushing me into a world only I know, and cause me to feel like a shadow forced to wear a mask.

I drag myself out of bed, the darkness ever-present around me. Which mask should I wear today? Mother? Wife? Or one of the many other masks I have stored away? I turn on the light and step onto the stage we all call life..... I no longer wear a mask....but, the pain is still very real. The comments about this war has only given me a desire to hide. But, this time I will stand tall and acknowlege what is. The war is not only between countries, but, a battle within each of us. We need to face our past and quit fighting it. Due to the last post I feel the need to let you know that I write in first person (so I can find healing through the words I type). I am not a victim....I am a strong person who has the strength to tell what is...even if it makes others uncomfortable. Only by acknowledging your past can you give it to God and find healing!!! If you have an elephant in the closet, do you pretend it's not there? Or do you let it out and see it for what it is. BTW The longer the elephant is in the closet the bigger it gets!!!

14 comments:

There are days when I feel like hiding from this messed up world. Violence, hatred, racism, intolerance are running rampant.It makes me want to hide, but it also makes me want to do what I can to make this world a better place. I want to work on being the best I can be in supporting all faiths, cultures, and peoples.I need to work on making where I live a safe place, and in turn praying for the citizens I touch to do the same.My masks change daily. But one thing is definitive, I will not be a "victim". I will be sad, mother, wife, worker, happy, but I will not be victim. I want to empower myself to make changes...one small step at a time.This war has had an effect on anyone with a conscience. We live in a military town. We have seen bodies come home and soldiers return from their tour. My heart breaks to think that they even have to go, never mind face the dangers they do.I amso thankful for their service. Without their sacrifices, my life may be deeply altered, and I appreciate each and every day that the men and women serve.So, my friend, put away the blanket, and come stand beside me...together, we can begin to heal this broken world.....Be safe, and know that I am here whenever you want company under the blankets.

You're right my friend!!I am no victim...Just honest:)This is an important part of healing for me. So many are trying hard to forget that horrible day. But, we must not forget!!! God Bless!XOXOXOBTWI totally enjoyed our phone call:)((((HUGS))))DJ

Hi Diana,First let me telll you how thrilled I was to chat with you - I LOVED IT - you're such a sweet person!!I am trying to get my thoughts in a line to figure what exactly I want to tell you - there are too many and this is why it is difficult. Obviously, being here in Germany, I did not go through 9/11 myself - I remember myself though how I started with horror on the TV-screen and hoped I was looking at a bad Hollywood-movie ... but it was all too real.I need to repeat what "Four" wrote - I am NO victim .. I refuse to be a victim! I went through a lot of very difficult times in my life as well, few of them awfully traumatizing and deal with them without any help or support. They come up again and again and each time I think I might have mastered to tuck them away - there they are again. The cause of this nightmare of mine were other people. I consciously decided NOT to give in and go down on my knees and thus give them the triumph to have won ... NO, I am standing straight and looking foreward - even it sometimes costs me all the strength I have! I did make me a stronger person, it considerably deepened my faith in our only God.

Masks? I have many ... and I wear them as well but I stay honest to myself and don't tell myself I am alright if inside I feel rotten and torn. I am so sorry for the pain your family has to suffer, like so many others, from this horrid terror-attack ... but, like "Four", I made my goal to try my utmost to make this world a better place, to reduce suffering, pain, hatred and the feeling of not being loved. That gives me a LOT of satisfaction and makes me feel I am contributing and doing what God wants me to!YOU Diana, are a FANTASTIC example as the work you do is exeptional!Have faith in yourself dear, together we can do it, overcome the pain, look the horrors in the eye - deal with them and move on, thus overcoming them!There is one expression I don't understand - maybe you can help me out ..."my day began like every other, filled with anger and wrapped in shame"! Why wrapped in shame? Of what?It's wrong to run from nightmares - we must face them - only this way they can lose their might over us!I could write pages and pages about that ... I know you're strong Diana ... and together we're are even stronger! Take care and GOD BLESS!!

(About hate-mail or nasty words .. I get them too and chose to punish these people by totally ignoring them! This way I let the "air out of their balloon" ... and they wither and can't do anything but watch! Ignorance is their WORST punishment!!)

Karin!I'm sooo glad you stopped by:)I guess I need to clarify myself by saying that this is just a section of my book. Well, actually it's at the beginning of my book. September 11 is what triggered the book. If you read on you will see that I am no longer wearing a mask:) I have healed. But, just because I have healed it doesn't mean I'm not still triggered by that day. I will always be triggered and it is what I do with it that matters. Me...well I acknowledge it for what it is. It is a painful memory. Then I turn around and use it for good. So I wrote a book starting out with the memory. Then show the reader how I have healed. Perhaps I didn't do that in this blog and need to clarify it more? I don't see myself as a victim...I just tell it how it is for me (in the moment) and hope that others can see that they are not alone and this is something you don't need to hide...one can overcome the sorrow. That what I'm feeling is not just felt by me....but, perhaps other victims.BTW, I did ignore the others....but, I was still triggered. So, I needed to admit I am not as put together as I want to be....but, I'm being real and honest. Not putting on a mask. Boy....I hope this blog wasn't too depressing! I just write in the moment and in that moment I was struggling. Through writing I heal:) Perhaps I shouldn't write so honest? Please do not think I'm depressed...I'M NOT! Just in the moment. Perhaps I should take this post down? "Filled in anger, wrapped in shame"Once again a sentence from my book. I was (at that time in my life) filled with anger and wrapped in shame because a horrible event triggered memories that I was trying to shove down and forget. You know what I mean? So...basically, I was giving an example of my process and how you need to acknowlege what it before you can heal. Even if what is isn't pretty. I hope this helps you understand my process of healing....which is getting out what is happening and then moving on. Warning...I will have more posts about September 11. Most about healing from it!!! Take care my friend!DJ

Diana I am so proud that you put up this post!! I believe you are getting on track to finish what God has given you, us, to do! You are healing more and more and as that terrible day approches once again you are becoming stronger. God has blessed you with words of wisdom to heal others by what you write. Everyone will understand what you have said when your book is done! God Bless you my dear friend!! Love always Diane

Diana, dear, noooooooooo, PLEASE remain as honest and straight forward as you wrote - that's FANTASTIC!! Don't think you need to hide anything, just write the way you wrote this post ... it is wonderful!!! BTW ... the music is georgeous!Much love!

Leave your post....I think it's important for people to understand your whole journey.People need to understand that healing is an ongoing thing. And that there will be days that "trigger" feelings for them, just as 9/11 triggered for you.I enjoyed chatting. There are some things that are just easier talking about versus trying to convey in an email or post.Take care and we'll chat soon!

Hi Karin:)OK! I guess I will blog away then:)When I first started I thought I needed to always be happy and then when I couldn't blog happy things I wouldn't blog at all:( Then it seemed like when I did blog I felt guilty for being bummed. You know what I mean?BTWI don't want anyone to think the book is depressing...because it totally isn't. I am just struggling with what God wants me to do now!!! BLAH!I guess I'll shutup now!I must sound sooo crazy!Will check in later...Thanks for being there:)DJ

HI S!Yes...I will leave this post:) I have attempted to return comments so many times tonight and I find myself erasing them (only after I have spilled my guts)...Do you ever do that? But... after all the typing and deleting I finally feel better LOLI'm just going to post this no matter what!!Can you tell I have had another one of those days we talked about the other night? Well...actually the bad day hasn't ever ended!Do you know what I mean?Thanks for dropping by:)Love yah hon!!!XOXOXOXOXOXOXODJ

No you are not a victim. You have a Counsellor that provides you with the strength needed to carry on. There was a time that I can now see, I enjoyed being a victim in some strange way. I guess I loved the attention or something. The power to face and forgive those who have hurt you can only come through Christ, as you know. I have only experienced true freedom from the past since I embraced that truth.Bless you Diana Joy.

Thanks for dropping by Kim:) Yes...I will go to your msn blog:)Thanks for confirming my belief that one must acknowledge her/his past and give it to God. Everyone has a time in their life that they need to be stuck in the victim role. It is only when they see healing is possible (perhaps through another person) that they can move beyond being a victim and ask for the help they need:) We are all human. We bleed when we are cut. We hide when we are afraid. We cry when we are hurt. But, it is important that we see there is Hope through Christ! He is the ultimate healer!!Okay...I will step off my soap box now! LOLNo...please understand that my book is about how I lived in pain...and how I found healing through Christ. He forgave me and so I can forgive others:)God Bless Kim!I will be dropping by soon:)Diana Joy

So another sleepless night on our end. How about you? Sleeplessness begets pain and I am having one of those days today. I am glad the family is on their various adventures and I can simply sit.You know how much I luv ya?????? !!!!!!!Now, be good and write me a post to read later....XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXS.