right now, i'm reading simon v the homosapiens agenda--a book i've been secretly admiring from afar for years and I have fiend to see for months now--and it's got me thinking a lot about my own sexual identity.

i'm heading into my senior year of college, only being in one relationship. i don't really know how to classify sexual partners, but let's say i've had around three?? (including relationship boy) i'm currently attempting to pursue a male, but honestly, that's touch and go, and homeboy is in michigan right now. so, there's that. pursuing someone i matched up with on bumble is a completely new experience. i had to get to know someone before i saw them. this threw me for a curve because 100% of the time (for me), it's the other way around. i may have moved a little to fast in telling said-boy i had feelings for him two weeks after we got matched on bumble. but hey, the heart wants what it wants, and this boy was pretty rad at keeping conversations.

i used to think that dating apps were a taboo. i couldn't quite convince myself that love could be found through a profile--that was until i matched with a boy from school. prior to my bumble experience, i also didn't trust dating apps. i'd heard one too many catfish stories. and for a while, i thought maybe i was getting catfished. but then i met him in front of a dining hall by chance, and was relieved that he was real. now, i think dating apps are an easy and less intimidating way to connect with people. it's kind of a choice to keep it going, which i like. whereas, if you start off with meeting face-to-face, it's hard to decide whether to block their number or if you should be ducking behind a bush when they walk by after an awkward first impression. with dating apps, you're in full control. plus, i feel like it's easier to maintain communication because people always have their phone on them. but if you meet, and he doesn't text back, that's a sign honey.

sex is not a big deal for me. in all actuality, i'm actually afraid of it, and could care less if things ever get to that point. i'm more of a "hey let's hold hands" type of gal. even sex scenes in movies make me cringe. i guess i can relate to simon in that i'm a feeler. i have a lot of feelings. i'm also quick to fall off of words, thanks to being an aries.

i believe in safe sex. i think everyone should. i remember the shivers being sent down my spine as my teacher talked about stds and stis and what could happen at parties. while most of the kids in high school were partaking in drunken sex, i spent a lot of time researching at home. from our health textbook, i took extensive notes, reading all the details about chlamydia. now, as a college student, i'm grateful that i was scared in high school. condoms only over here, please.

the biggest mistake i made when it came to sex was rushing. two semesters ago, i met someone that i was ready to give my virginity to. we were friends. i trusted him. and i literally said, "let's just get it over with." which is so horrible to do. and i'll never do it again. i made a pact to myself to wait a least until i was a year into a relationship to ever have sex again. to be honest, sex is not even that fun. i'd much rather go to disneyland than have sex.

it's weird because in college, we don't really have discussions about sex. and not even just sex, sexual abuse, sexual harrassment, etc. i think that's why it's so easy for bad stuff to happen to goo people, because sex ed just kinda goes out of the window in college. when i was a sophomore i went to a safety talk called "safe after dark," thinking it was going to be about traveling in packs and carrying pepper spray. in actuality, it was a talk about stds and rape. we also learned to put on condoms, which was really interesting. even though it was uncomfortable at first, i'm glad i went. it was there that i learned i was being sexually abused, and said abuser walked in. what fun that was...