Counseling today was very eye-opening. I had written about the things I think that cause me to blame myself for the abuse and the things I think that cause me to blame him. The lists were very lobsided, with most of the blame falling on me and when asked to present a counter argument to most of them, I had trouble voicing why it wasn't my fault. Logically I know these things, but to change what you know into what you feel is very hard. We discussed why I started blaming myself as opposed to blaming him, and it all boiled down to the fact that in order to survive my life as a 13 year old, blaming myself was much safer than blaming him. What I did and the choices I made were out of self-preservation and as that was the healthiest thing I could have done at the time, it has infiltrated in so many aspects of my life that are now churning out unhealthy responses. So in order to combat that, I've got to examine my philosophies on myself, my family, my friends, God, the world... everything. I've got to re-learn what is really the truth and what I convinced myself was true in order to survive. Hard work.