Day 142 of 365

My life has never been easy. I’ve been abused so much but I keep telling myself other people have it worse. When I was younger about 6-8 I was molested by my mom’s at that time boyfriends sons. He threatened me that if I told her he would kill her. Finally I told her but she continued to stay with him and to this day I don’t know why. The male got charged and is now out of jail. Fast forward it to when I was 13 my brother started molesting me, it went on for a while but I never told anyone and to this day I haven’t. I don’t know how to tell my mom that. Anytime anyone mentioned what happen to me I instantly would always shut them out because I couldn’t handle talking about it because I was told not to. My mom always told me to not talk about the bad things. In high school I decided to skip a day of school with a guy I thought I could trust but I was wrong. I should have saw the signs but I chose to ignore it. We went to a different state because I lived on the state line. We went to the park and we were just talking then he tried kissing me and I wouldn’t let him. He started to get mad. He started to undo my pants and I kept saying no and he kept playing with me. He would move my pants down a little and asked if I wanted it and I kept saying no. While he was raping me all I could see was my friend’s obituary paper and all I could do was cry and stare at it. I froze. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. Because I didn’t tell someone that man went on and raped another girl. To this day I still feel guilty. I’m breaking my silence because it still hurts me and it majorly effected my life. I still have flashbacks from the things that happened to me as a child. I still get scared of being in rooms with males alone. But I know one day it will get better.