Is it Oversharing or Radical Vulnerability?

Sneaky Eights

It’s the eighth of the month again, so here’s your suicide awareness post.

This time, the only reason I knew it was the eighth is because I saw in my Facebook memories where I had posted about it last year and the year before that. I think this is the first month that I haven’t counted down to the eighth with dread, knowing another month has passed, this month it snuck up on me.

Suicidal thoughts do the same thing to me sometimes. Sometimes I’ll be going about my day just fine, and out of nowhere the thought will cross my mind.

It’s a good day to die.

Shit, I don’t want to feel that way.

I start fighting it, but fighting it doesn’t actually work because it just gives more power to the thoughts.

Some days I don’t even have to be overwhelmed, or in distress. I can be happy, and know I’m loved, and be having a great time and my brain just decides it is a good day to stop existing.

Other days someone pisses me off and I can’t handle it. My brain decides the best way to get back at them is to stop existing. The best way to deal with my anger is to die because then they’ll see how wrong it was to piss me off. This may seem petty and like it’s a temper tantrum response, and it may be, but revenge suicide still results from illness. Healthy brains don’t think that way. Revenge suicide still results in death.

Some days it is because I’m overwhelmed with a situation, or my money is out of control, or I’m triggered by a trauma memory. Any of those things will set the suicidal thoughts off.

None of those reasons are less valid or less dangerous or less real than the others.

Some are less talked about.

Some are more shameful.

Some are considered more childish.

Some are said to be less dangerous.

Some are assumed to be less real.

The truth is, they all come from mental illness. I’ve dealt with all of them. I’m sure there are many other situations that trigger suicidal thoughts that I haven’t dealt with. If you have other situations you’d like to talk about, I’d be willing to hear them.

Suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, for any reason, are real and are dangerous. Dismissing them as a cry for attention is bullshit. Yes, they are a cry for help, but not in an attention seeking way, they are a cry to end the pain.