Friday, November 8, 2013

Who do I think I am?

Who do I think I am?
I've been going through a bit of an identity crisis. A loss of confidence in myself. And while I recognize the stench of the enemy...I also recognize that there is something in here that God wants to accomplish with this unpleasant place I am in.
When I was younger, I had more confidence than I knew what to do with. When I was younger--and before cancer--I had a swagger. There is something that I miss about that place in time. It is great to feel confident. It is fun to have a swagger. And while I do not appreciate the enemy's attempt to make me feel worthless and washed up, neither do I just want to go back to the confidence I had in myself, or the swagger with which I once entered every room.
I think God is giving me the opportunity to replace my self confidence--which, btw, the enemy is happy for me tocome back into, because he will have just as much fun stripping it from me the second time around--with a much deeper confidence. An unshakeable confidence. A confidence that is rooted and grounded in Who He is--not who I am.
And as for the swagger?--presumably based on how good I feel about myself on any given day...or how good I look--I sense He wants to replace it with something much more useful. Fearlessness. Instead of walking into a room and feeling "socially on top of things", I can enter that same room--or back street alley--with the boldness of a woman surrounded by an entourage of love and power.
The enemy is always trying to steal, kill and destroy. And if he can't have my soul--which he can't--then he'll take what he can get. He'll minimize me. He'll back me in a corner and accuse me: "Who do you think you are?" . That question that can make a grown man shake in his boots. It's a winning tactic the enemy has: kick 'em where it counts. He comes at us with partial truths: "you're nothing", "you're nobody", "there are tons of people who do that better than you", and if we have entered the arena based on our own self confidence, well, it's about to get ugly up in here. Your house of cards will soon become an unwanted game of 52-pick up.
The fact is, we are dust, we are as frail as grass--God's word even says so! The devil loves to rifle through the truth of God's word and handpick what he then twists to use against us. The fact is: apart from Jesus I am nothing. But the Truth is: I am never apart from Christ. Why would I ever want to return to the empty promise of self confidence and human "swagger", when I can have the confidence of the King of the Universe? When I can walk into a room flanked with the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Who do I think I am? I'm the luckiest girl in the world;)

4 comments:

I read somewhere the other day, "Good writers have readers. Bad writers have commentators". For the sake of NOT leaving a comment, I am going to tell you...I LOVE READING YOU! Thank you for this today. It's exactly where I have been and has given me the extra UMPH! so desperately needed.

Wow! So glad you posted this! I have been struggling with complications from Mono and finally had my tonsils out two weeks ago! I have looked absolutely terrible for a year now! This made more aware of Satan's voice while looking in the mirror and day-to-day!! So glad God has carried me though this! I also am a lucky girl!!!!!

Hmmm . . . identity crisis. Same here too girl! I think we're always kind of in the same place and I'm glad to hear it's not just me:) Although I pray and know you'll come through this time shining like the swaggering star you are. Thanks for writing this, I truly enjoyed reading!

About Desperate Me...lisa seymour jones

I am a perfectionist. If you were to take one look at my house, you would be quick to label that a glaring-maybe even raging-misdiagnosis, but on some misguided level it is paralyzingly true.

In my desperate attempt to know God...seek Him...please Him, I fall into the trap of trying to be perfect. And since I'm far from it, the enemy can keep me ineffective for the cause of Christ, just by accusing me with my imperfection.

Today I need to remember that I am called to:
Live justly
Love mercy
Walk humbly (Micah 6:8)

I am not called to:
Have the perfect words
Bear the burden of the
world with blood sweat &
tears...

I need to understand I don't have to be everything to everyone-spiritually-(Lord knows I'm not otherwise).

But, if the enemy can keep me "perfecting", or just postponing...then the one or two (be it singular people, or hundreds, or thousands) who God prepared me specifically in advance to relate to, will still be waiting-while I am waiting to unveil something that will impress...move...motivate-Everyone.

So, if it's you that's been waiting-I apologize. I owe you a coffee. Here's some stuff God's been asking me to share...(in it's quite imperfect form:)