LOATHESOME LEO...

The Jittery Journeys of September 2004

Yikes and double yikes, little hairdressing vanities! You're in strife and there's nothing that can be done to save you. Well, that's all I really have to say to you this month. Yawn! However, as my contract requires something in excess of thirty words, I suppose I shall have make up some further piffle to amuse myself, if not you. Very well! Underlings! Minions! Bring me medication and I shall unleash the storms of savage September! They are vile! They are bitter! For they are the prognostications of the drivelling doom-speaker, the sour soothsayer and the pontificating prophet! Myself! Asperitus, by name! Tremble in your tiny pink booties, puling pussy folk! I am the menstruation of the manic goddess!

Last time we left you, strong hands were laid upon your person as you were taken from behind. This was after you had been cavorting in the streets, laying hands upon innocent citizens in order that they feel the healing touch and the love inherent in the mysterious force that lies within you. Yes, little idiot felines, you still have the Power! But now another power has you in its grip! As you turn, you find it is the long arm of the law on your shoulder. Vamping Venus enters your sign and people gather in the aura of your magnificent radiance.

However, as marauding Mars clashes with underworld Pluto, you realize these folk are not here to worship you at all! Quite the contrary! They're shaking their fists and demanding money or retribution or both. As the minion of the law patiently explains to you, they're seeking redress for what they claim are assaults committed upon their persons by your good self. It seems your healing touch has been misunderstood, tiny nitwit felines! And what's worse! You're being taken off to the station! Again! As I recall (and it is to my horror that I do so. I must increase my medication), this happened not so long ago. You may be becoming a habitual criminal!

Mischievous Mercury returns to Virgo and the catalogue of financial demands grows by the minute! Cranky planets gasp and grind in the cosmos to a New Moon in anal Virgo, one entwining Marauding Mars and underworld Pluto in her mischievous skeins. You're called to the dock, my little cretins of hair gel and style mousse. And there you must face the consequences and cost of using this strange Power of yours in what seems to have been a pathetic and largely misunderstood effort to do good in the world. It seems divine love has no place with the general run of common folk. How disappointing!

Vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune and you doubt yourself for a moment. Great gods alive and dead, there you are, on the verge of tears, a broken pussy or very nearly so! The great Sol Invicti conjoins in unseemly fashion with jolly Jupiter and the weight of the law is set to descend upon you.

But what's this! There is a mighty rumbling and crashing as the gears of Heaven grind and the wheels of Heaven turn. It's the Equinox, my feline twerps, and the great Sol Invicti sets himself to visit yet another horror upon this benighted world by returning to the odious sign of Libra. Jolly Jupiter follows him. So too does marauding Mars. And, by this means, the god of idiots (your personal protector) smiles on you and all your kind! Suddenly, you're surging with energy for this is your solar third house that comes alive. You'll go to court! And by my little brown bottle, you'll tell your story! Justice will be done and justice will be seen to be done when you tell the truth that will expose these petty, lying, vexatious litigants!

As a Full Moon comes in arrogant Aries, you stand proud, ready to speak on your behalf. The court offered you counsel but you said them 'nay'! I shall defend myself from these scurrilous accusations, was your reply. And so you prepare to do, as mischievous Mercury moves into Libra. You open your mouth to speak. Gods, but I'm ill or bored or both! You'll have to come back next month and see what happens. I shall increase my medication and see if I can recover in time to give you yet another dose of this tripe and bilge! Ta! Ta!