a cautionary tale

Last night, I did something against my better judgement and went into Barnsley for a 'few drinks' with some of the folk from work, not realising until the last minute it was mad friday. Long story short, within four hours I was totally wankered. Following this, during a long night of feeling unusual, I went downstairs searching for some alka seltzer. AND THEN IT HAPPENED! Completely unexpectedly, I somehow managed to sneeze, fart and spew up, all at the same time. Is there a name for this phenomenon, has anyone else ever experienced such a thing, and more importantly, will I die?

The spew (not a massive amount, but enough to burn shame into my soul forever) went down my dressing gown, a nice calvin klein one that mrs Mitch bought me. The horror! She gave me a certain look, but didn't comment. I believe I heard her laughing when I closed the bedroom door behind me.

Worked on a tourist fishing boat one holidays and was asked to go clean up a "helicopter" in the ladies' loo. Went in there with a bucket and mop and there was puke everywhere - doors, walls, ceiling. Woman had projectile vomited while on the bog …

A couple of years ago at leeds festival on the Thursday I had proudly won a game of wizard sticks and polished off a crate of Stella in around 10 hours, cue early night at half 9! Woke up at 1 am with a full on sprint to what passes for a toilet there, where I was about to ferociously erupt from both end with only one target, I picked the lesser of 2 evils and defacated in the pan while painting the toilet door the colours of the rainbow! Felt ace after though!

Still feeling fragile, and to make matters worse, I'm starting with the trots. Sore ribs from all the spewing, farting like a brewery hoss, and a nipsy like a sauce bottle top. It might be business night, but MrsMitch will have to sort herself out!

After a couple of shandies on Friday night I spend the majority of Saturday chucking up in my toilet.

I now have a really bad sore throat, and feel like I've pulled a muscle in the back of my neck and can't swallow properly. I'm still feeling a bit hungover too. I have come to the conclusion that at 33, I can't drink like I used to when I was a student.