Abba Achronos was peeling a sugar cane when brother Apophis came to him lamenting, "Abba, I am in great travail. I have slept with a man's wife and now everywhere I go, I am assaulted by ticks!'

At that moment, the sugar cane snapped, and when the sweet sugar fell from within, it drove away the brother's ticks.

Abba Achronos said, "As the stalk cannot withstand the pressure of my peeler, so a woman yields willingly or unwillingly; such is her lot through Eve. It behoveth man to guard the peeler for the sake of woman, for whom he has reponsibility. The pure sugar produced from a broken and contrite spirit gives us only what is required, without excess or waste."

At this, the brother wept bitterly and his tears turned to amber. Upon each stone was written the word "metanoia". This is why it is said in Egypt: "It is May, the Nile runs amber like brother Apophis."

Severian and the Locusts

Once, a great plague of locusts descended upon the sedges of Alexandria, so that no papyrus could be manufactured that year.

The Latin, Byzantine and Coptic men of Alexandria, balking at the idea of not being able to write any scathing letters for a whole year, appealed to the holy men of the desert for help.

Psalmodising atop his date palm, the monk Severian received a runner from Alexandria. "O wise Severian," cried the runner, "all the sedges have been laid waste by a plague of locusts from Arabia!"

Severian shook his date palm violently until all of the palm branches were waving about in the breeze.

"Papyrus resurrection!" He shouted.

All across the land, the sedges stretched forth, and color returned to them. The bishops of Alexandria rejoiced, and so many letters were written that over twenty riots rocked the cities of Alexandria and Antioch that year.

An Adze for Augustin

The archimandrite subdeacon reader-vicar Augustin had been sent by the Archbishop of Bucharest to help with evangelization efforts in Sitka, Alaska.

One day, while he was walking among the totem poles, praying his rosary, a native approached him.

"Spiritual Father," the native exclaimed, "it is good for us to be here. I would like to prepare three totem poles: One for you, one for Holy Czar-Martyr Nicholas, and one for our heiromonk Aristides Swanson."

"Why do you want to give me a pole," ASdR-VFr. Augustin scolded, "when only one is worthy of honor, that is, God?"

"But Spiritual Father! I must do something with my grandfather's Adze, for it was hewn from the bone of a silver whale."

Augustin took the adze from the native man, and it immediately turned red with blood...

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.

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Quote from: GabrieltheCelt

If you spend long enough on this forum, you'll come away with all sorts of weird, untrue ideas of Orthodox Christianity.

Quote from: orthonorm

I would suggest most persons in general avoid any question beginning with why.

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.

It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!

« Last Edit: September 06, 2012, 06:30:17 PM by NicholasMyra »

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Quote from: Pope Francis

Thank God he said I was a politician because Aristotle defined the human person as 'Animal politicus.' So at least I am a human person.

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.

It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.

Every Dormition Feast, in the Russian monastery at Bellingshausen Station, the monks gather round to have their one poultry meal of the year: Adélie penguin with mussel gravy.

In the 11th year of the reign of Putin I, the monks sat down to such a meal on a frigid August evening. The abbot of the monastery, Orthonorm, said a blessing for the food. One monk, however, in his haste to begin eating, had inhaled the scent of penguin wing too deeply. This left an opening for the enemy to enter in.

The Abbot Orthonorm, sensing the presence of an adversary, promptly grabbed the pitcher of mussel gravy and drank it all in one gulp.

The brothers gasped.

"Our feast!" One moaned.

"Freyja's cold has caught his mind!" Another weak brother shouted.

Abbot Orthonorm held up his hands to silence the brethren. He took in a great breath through his nose, and spat the mussel gravy upon the brother who had sniffed the penguin.

"It is not you I spit upon," the Abbot declared, "but upon the devil whom your gluttony invited!"

That brother repented in permafrost and ashes.

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Quote from: Pope Francis

Thank God he said I was a politician because Aristotle defined the human person as 'Animal politicus.' So at least I am a human person.

[THE FOLLOWING WAS REVEALED IN A VISION FROM THE GRIM REAPER TO THE PIOUS VASSAL SIKAMOROS THE BOGOMIL]

And it came to pass that the Elder Ialmisry departed this life.

He was greeted by St. Peter and Pope Pius X at the gates of Paradise. They both held giant silver keys in their hands.

"Ialmisry, my child, it turns out that, according to my associate here, the Lombardo-Gothic Carolingians were correct about the supremacy of Old Rome," said St. Peter.

The venerable Ialmisry shook his head. "I refuse to accept it," he replied.

Pope Pius X was taken aback by the Elder's stubbornness. "But you now stand in the very maw of Purgatory!"

The Elder patted out a few flames creeping up the side of his robe. "This fire is clearly immaterial," he answered.

"Fine, fine," said Pope Pius X. "The two of us shall have a contest. I'll summon my champion, and if you can defeat him, then I shall accept Roman Catholicism, and renounce Vaticanianism."

With a flourish, the venerable Ialmisry gave his assent.

And it came to pass, that a glowing light appeared, and a fourth man was found in their midst.

"Ialmisry, meet Beatus of Liébana, legendary geographer," Pope Pius boasted. "He is my champion; best him in a contest of cartography, and the day is yours."

"And what, pray tell, will we be mapping?" St. Beatus inquired.

"The Kingdom of Heaven!" St. Peter declared. "The first of you to map it correctly wins the faith!"

And it came to pass, that ink, quill and parchment were prepared for the two contestants. And it came to pass that, with a wave of their mighty keys, the Apostle and Pope signaled the start of the race.

The Elder Ialmisry began his labor with a small smile on his face.

St. Beatus scribbled furiously, blended colors, thrusting forth upon his canvas arching spears of latitudes and longitudes. Mountains arose, rivers filled, cities and townships were established. His compass danced across the parchment, carving out roads, tradeways, borders of empire. And it came to pass that after many hours, he arose from his work and shouted, "Complete!"

And the map was truly a grand affair. It was a worthy tapestry of terrain, fit to adorn the war-tent of the heavenly host.

[THE FOLLOWING WAS REVEALED IN A VISION FROM THE GRIM REAPER TO THE PIOUS VASSAL SIKAMOROS THE BOGOMIL]

And it came to pass that the Elder Ialmisry departed this life.

He was greeted by St. Peter and Pope Pius X at the gates of Paradise. They both held giant silver keys in their hands.

"Ialmisry, my child, it turns out that, according to my associate here, the Lombardo-Gothic Carolingians were correct about the supremacy of Old Rome," said St. Peter.

The venerable Ialmisry shook his head. "I refuse to accept it," he replied.

Pope Pius X was taken aback by the Elder's stubbornness. "But you now stand in the very maw of Purgatory!"

The Elder patted out a few flames creeping up the side of his robe. "This fire is clearly immaterial," he answered.

"Fine, fine," said Pope Pius X. "The two of us shall have a contest. I'll summon my champion, and if you can defeat him, then I shall accept Roman Catholicism, and renounce Vaticanianism."

With a flourish, the venerable Ialmisry gave his assent.

And it came to pass, that a glowing light appeared, and a fourth man was found in their midst.

"Ialmisry, meet Beatus of Liébana, legendary geographer," Pope Pius boasted. "He is my champion; best him in a contest of cartography, and the day is yours."

"And what, pray tell, will we be mapping?" St. Beatus inquired.

"The Kingdom of Heaven!" St. Peter declared. "The first of you to map it correctly wins the faith!"

And it came to pass, that ink, quill and parchment were prepared for the two contestants. And it came to pass that, with a wave of their mighty keys, the Apostle and Pope signaled the start of the race.

The Elder Ialmisry began his labor with a small smile on his face.

St. Beatus scribbled furiously, blended colors, thrusting forth upon his canvas arching spears of latitudes and longitudes. Mountains arose, rivers filled, cities and townships were established. His compass danced across the parchment, carving out roads, tradeways, borders of empire. And it came to pass that after many hours, he arose from his work and shouted, "Complete!"

And the map was truly a grand affair. It was a worthy tapestry of terrain, fit to adorn the war-tent of the heavenly host.

Verily Nicholas is an overworked graduate student studying the Desert Fathers long into the wee hours of the morning. After he receives his PhD, costing much but bringing in little, he will look back at this moment and realize it was the best of his life. His friends will mayhap take pity upon him, invite him into their homes, and make him the godfather of their screaming babes, but Nicholas will have only two options--either to be an eternal student or to sacrifice himself on the altar of the priesthood and hope to God he can find a wife before the bishop comes calling.

It's not very Christian to condemn people to hell, Shanghaiski!

God protect me from the devil!

I have to agree; find thee a good Orthodox bride before the Bishop makes you an offer you cannot refuse.

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die [...] These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -The Lord Jesus Christ

No longer active on OC.net. Please pray for me and forgive any harm I might have caused by my ignorance and malice. Pls email me, don't send PMs.

The term planet earth is an innovation which has arisen in recent centuries with the error of heliocentrism.

If one wants to confess a pure doctrine of Orthodoxy, they should be careful not to refer to the earth as a planet, unlike the current Pope as well as Patriarch Kirill and Patriarch Bartholomew, who regularly speak in error when they refer to our planet earth.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who can watch the watchmen?"No one is paying attention to your post reports"Why do posters that claim to have me blocked keep sending me pms and responding to my posts? That makes no sense.

Is that because of the rumor that you are a priest now? Or have I misread the rumor?

Lol wut?

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"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die [...] These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -The Lord Jesus Christ

No longer active on OC.net. Please pray for me and forgive any harm I might have caused by my ignorance and malice. Pls email me, don't send PMs.

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die [...] These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." -The Lord Jesus Christ

No longer active on OC.net. Please pray for me and forgive any harm I might have caused by my ignorance and malice. Pls email me, don't send PMs.