Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Considering circumstance dictated we do this on a school night, the turnout for last night's keg tapping was incredibly impressive. These aren't all of the pics and tweets I received, but they're the ones I saved! Big thanks to Vince the Brewer, as always, for... everything. And to Petz Razor for filling in for yours truly. I was busy at work, but more on that in a bit.

DG: CON: Mike Vick got knocked out of another game. PRO: He didn’t point at the scoreboard on his way to the locker room. A marked improvement! B

ZWR: He couldn’t point to the scoreboard- his fargling hand was broken.

EDIT: HAND’S NOT BROKED OMG YEAH BABY SUPER BOWL IS BACK ON!

CK: The transformation of Mike Vick continues to amaze. He has now morphed into a tackling dummy. HEY SPEAKING OF METAMORPHOSIS HOW ABOUT THAT MIKE KAFKA?! Seriously, why is Vince Young even here dribbling on about “Dream Teams” while Reid is trotting out Bald Kolb to have a QB rating of 0? I don’t even know how to grade this. N?

"I know! What's going on? You're talking to yourself under the guise of a Q&A session with an unseen narrator."

Dude, stop.

"Instead of in that first paragraph, you could have jumped off of that '19th win on the season' angle to talk about 2011 as a whole."

Oh. I guess you're right. To that...

"Finally, jeez..."

Knock it off!

With his regular season workload completed, Roy's formal proposal to the Cy Young voters has been submitted. In my unbiased opinion, I think the 2010 zoowithroy.com Man of the Year pulls this one out in a squeaker. Not just because he's the most face-breaking, but also for what he (and the Phillies organization) represents.

On the one hand, MLB has a bellwether--the epitome of continued success.

On the other, the "opportunity" to reward a franchise whose derelict value system embodies the unfortunately modern American disregard for both financial and moral responsibility. I'm not saying that should necessarily be a deterrent for voters to consider Clayton Kershaw, but I will say that supporting that donkey for NL Cy Young is kind of like voting for white collar crime. And/or gang-related violence.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Phightins fans worst fears came to fruition last night, when a sixth straight loss eliminated the defending and current National League East Champions from playoff contention.

"Washington has a great squad, what can I say?" commented first baseman Ross Gload. "We left it all on the field." Gload, a warrior, took a cortisone shot prior to the game in an effort to curb his acute lack of talent.

Peacock, making only his second career start, nimbly handled the broom that swept away the remnants of this forgettable series and, some would argue mercifully, cleaned away any thoughts of playoff glory. For this year, any way.

"Oh we'll be back and better than ever in 2012", declared season opener hero Ben Francisco, who went 0-2 in the loss and saw his average fall to .246.

"Put that in your papers- I guarantee it. Like Mark Messier. And the Braves will be Martin Brodeur. And I think John Mayberry will be Stephane Matteau."

The Nationals made the Phillies look silly for most of the last four games. They were the ones getting the timely hits; they were the ones with the starting pitchers who seemed untouchable. The Nationals were the ones dropping three-run homers, like Morse’s on Thursday, into the bullpen as the final straw on Oswalt’s night.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

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As you probably know, one of my favorite people in the whole entire world isBullhorn Kid. I spotted him during a broadcast earlier this Spring and I instantly knew that this was going to be a special year for the Phils. Because not only is Bullhorn Kid the most balls-out diehard fan you'll ever see (or experience, as you'll soon read) in your entire life, but he's also now a world-renowedmotivational speaker and debate champion.

So you can imagine the joy I experienced in receiving the following email:

Hey Donkey,

I bought tickets on stubhub ZWR Tickets a couple hours before the game, because they were dirt cheap. For a while I couldn't find anyone to go to the game with me, so I was going to give away the tickets, good thing I didn't. I arrived in the top of the 2nd inning, greeted with a warning from the person in the seat next to me: "Just a heads up, this kid behind us is really annoying and won't shut up." [Editor's note: In retrospect, you should have punched that guy in the neck--Bullhorn Kid RULES.]

I gotta see who this kid is. I turn around, and lo and behold, armed with his little white bullhorn, it's him. "Hey guy, this isn't just some annoying kid. This kid has more intensity in his little body and you will ever have." [Editor's note: YES!!]

Bottom of the 2nd inning, Kyle Kendrick at bat:

"WOOOOOO! GET A HIT! GET A HIT! SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"

3 ball count: "WALK HIMMMM! GET A WALLLLLLLLLK!!!!"

Kendrick walks and while on first base, Bullhorn Kid wants Kendrick to get to second more than anyone in the stadium.

"WILD PITCH!!! THROW A WILD PITCH!!!!"

Fans keep turning around to get a glimpse of this kid, but no dirty look is going to stop Bullhorn Kid from rooting on his favorite baseball team. [Editor's note: Seriously? How could anyone not look favorably upon such spirit?!]

But that wasn't the best of our little friend. With Emilio BonerFaceio up to bat in the 3rd inning:

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ZWR offshoot Strip Club With Stanton (which I totally dig but can't officially endorse because, well, it's raunchy and we're a family bolg (no for real don't click on that if you're going to get offended)) scoops (via some guy named Ted) what may or may not be the Marlins new logo (or something a random donkey made and posted to Photobucket).

Hey, tell you what: even if this doesn't turn out to be what those idiots go with we can still laugh at them.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

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Dude for serious the WAH has been sleeping like crap lately so I passed out on the couch and when I woke up the NAG was watching a bunch of college glee clubs singing to the skinny guy from Boyz II Men.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Hi everyone. CK here. The man you see above is Five Pete. Five Pete is a super Phillies fan who likes to do cool stuff like party and eat pizza and win championships. Five Pete is also the *OFFICIAL* 2011 Phillies Playoff Rally Fan as deemed by me, on this the 17th day of September, 2011 AD.

So come this October... whenever you're in a pinch... whenever you need a little pick me up... whenever you feel like you could use that extra boost... look to Five Pete. He'll be there. He'll always be there.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Do you feel that glorious autumnal chill in the air? Did the rose-tinged cheeks of folks passing in the streets on their way to work or school this morning call to mind the huddled, bundled crowds at October baseball games? It's so nice, isn't it?

One more more question...

Remember that time Vince from Iron Hill decided that he wanted to make a beer for all us donkeys?

Of course you do- it was just about the coolest thing ever. The fusion of bolg and booze was ideal, almost natural, as evidenced by So Cuttered Hoppy Wheat's reception and relative quickness with which its supplies were exhausted.

"ZWR that was so hip you'll never top that *high five* thanks for the memories bro!"

Well hold on to your face, hammer, and corral your growler. Vince and Rick can't help themselves, so they're back at again. And this time it's only gonna get beerier.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Looking at Scarlett Johansson pictures back in the clubhouse? Have at 'em. Doesn't matter. Roy.

Roy Roy Roy Roy Roy Halladay. His effort yesterday- the vibe around the whole thing considering this series (to that note, don't sweat it) and the offensive output can be summed up in a picture sent in by reader Adam:

This is so scary yet comforting at the same time

Congrats to our hero on his 20th career shutout and eighth complete game of the year. Congrats, too, on clinching a playoff berth.

Here's the line:

9 IP, 6 H, 1BB, 7 K (5 Cuttered, 2 So Cuttered), 86 strikes on 114 pitches﻿. Here, let's look at that on a graph, because it sure is impressive:

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

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Part-time ZWR staff photographer (I don't have to pay his benefits that way) Dick Allen Hall of Fame is in Houston shooting the Phils/Astros games, and was kind enough to send along this photo he took before last night's poop sandwich.

Rumor has it SPMPC was later spotted in a rental car loaded with Shiner headed toward Austin with Major Applewhite and Kevin Bass, but that could not be confirmed. This would be consistent with past behavior.

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True story: Fall's my favorite ever. And I know it's still only mid-September and all but we took the WAAH! for a walk last night and it was so pleasant and I wore a long sleeve t-shirt the other day when I drank beer on the front step with my neighbor Ben and there's pumpkin spice at Starbucks so I'm drifting into Doctober dreams (hey speaking of Doctober... get ready for some face-breakage later this week just saying trust me).

To that point (I may have had one in there), BOO AT THE ZOO makes its triumphant return today!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

We are Phillies fans living in Bowling Green, Ohio. Your shirts are a great way to support the team while living in this desolate outpost. Everyone in the family loves their shirts.

My son loves his ZWR polo shirt so much he wore for his 6th grade class picture. Mom was not happy. (He) also wore his "WORLY?" shirt to Wrigley Field when the Phils trounced the loser Cubbies. Please find attached my son Jimmy's school picture with his ZWR shirt.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Yes, this time around Uncle Rick wants to hear all about it. What's that, you got Arian Foster with the third pick? Awesome! Please, tell me more about how you're not taking a quarterback in the first five rounds! Chris Johnson before he signed? No way. Color me impressed. The Titsburgh Feelers? That's hilarious!!! You've always been so creative. Nor can I believe that your buddy's brother-in-law took Jahvid Best that early... nor can I.

I disagree with your wife - getting a "Red Zone only LCD" was a prudent decision, especially if it helps you dominate your big money keeper. Please, update me via text. It doesn't matter how long it took or if you missed Caleb's Little League game, I still think that the huge draft board you made with the $79 in art supplies from Michael's crafts instead of just buying one online was TOTALLY worth the time and money invested. It certainly impressed the folks at the bar when you passed through and brought it upstairs.

That's quite the theory on handcuffs, why don't you elaborate?

I'm no expert like you, by any means, but even I took a shot at it this year...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Being an good denizen of our nation's capital, I followed custom and rushed sheep-like to the tweeted location of my favorite ethnic food truck for lunch. Being a good boy raised in the Northeastern United States as a young child during the mid-80s with an extended family that owned now fewer than eleventeen Camaros, I was dutifully listening to Billy Joel while I walked. "Who needs a house out in Hackensack, is that all you get for your money?"

Hackensack. Huh. Then this happened:

Swag.

What could it all mean? Read the SHOCKING CONCLUSION after the jump...