My return journey as an adult into the world of ballet…

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Yowza!

Well, this weekend pretty much was a loss and it’s stretching into the week too.

I spent most of it in bed because I have some inexplicable back pain in my lower back. Drop something on the floor? Well, it’s gonna stay there I can tell you that. Feet are cold and want to pull on some socks? Feet are gonna stay cold. I have taken meds, icy/hot, heating pad, hot showers…nothing gives me much relief except laying in bed on my side with a pillow between my knees. I do not like doing nothing. I feel so useless because I can barely do anything. I have about 9,349 things to do and this is not one of them. I am really worried it’s going to derail my weight loss momentum I have going too.

For some “back” story (pun is intended haha!), about a year ago I was leaving my house to get my son from school. I was recovering from a badly sprained left ankle and you have to step down when walking out the front door. I somehow managed to do a magnificent flop on my front stoop. I sprained the other ankle, bloodied up hands and an elbow, and I strained my back. Keep in mind I weighed nearly 200 lbs. I am surprised someone didn’t yell “Timber!” It happened so fast I didn’t know anything had happened until I was on the ground. Ever since, I have been dealing with the strained back and I somehow have aggravated it to the tenth degree.

I do not know why this has decided to latch itself on to me at this point. I worked out Monday-Thursday. I always take great care to protect my back during exercises. Recently, I felt like the exercise has been helping it to feel better. Never was there a point I felt like I did something and pulled it. Friday, I hung out with a friend, it was bugging me more than usual but nothing to write a blog post about. Now comes Saturday morning. I wake up and I feel like I have been torn in two. I have my son and his friend over so I gotta deal with it. As the day progresses, so does the pain to the point I can hardly walk. Then after the kids were changing out of their swimsuits my son decided it would be funny to throw it in my face. Why he did this I don’t know. He is the sweetest and kindest kid and I guess he thought it would be funny. Well it was not. As a reaction I jerked to the left to avoid the cold wet swimsuit in the face and I think I heard my lower back actually scream…or was that me? Since that moment I have been nearly bed ridden.

Thanks to my wonderfully developed coping skills (soooo not true) I was not sticking to my healthier eating choices and eating whatever the husband will get for me. Standing up and cooking is not going to be happening. I did do better this morning but I will need to eat much better thanks to the sodas, burgers, Chinese takeout, and pizza that was flying around this weekend. Food is an emotional crutch for me and why I have gotten so fluffy. “Feeling bad? Let’s eat this! Having a bad day? This cake will make it all go away! Everyone deserves a treat every two hours! Don’t forget the cheese puffs!”

The fact I am seeing how my thoughts and emotions fuel poor eating choices is a good thing but I have to find a way to retrain those thoughts. I am very weak when it comes to those thoughts. After I “treat myself” I end up feeling worse than what made me feel bad in the first place. I have been so worried I gained weight I weighed myself this morning and thankfully I didn’t. It wasn’t worth it to me to negate all the hard work because my back hurt and I felt sorry for myself. That’s the dark negative thoughts that want to keep me fat and the skinny girl in me is trying so hard to fight her way out. I guess she fought so hard she pulled a muscle.

Gonna take it easy and smell like icy/hot for the rest of the week I guess…

Oh, poor you, poor you! And yup, I can appreciate the lunging for comfort food because, hell, you need comfort. When something goes wrong for me, that’s exactly how I think to comfort myself. Bored, in pain, stressed, bummed? Special treats it is. Brava that you are able to observe this process happening in yourself. Yay – observing the action is more than half the battle!