When You Are Called to No Words

I’ve been thinking about words lately, mostly because it seems I have fewer these days. Back when I first began blogging eight years ago, I posted every day, seven days a week. Over time that frequency diminished to five days a week, then three days, until, most recently, I settled on once a week. Some weeks, even one post feels like a stretch.

I’m not sure why I seem to have less and less to say. Maybe after eight years of blogging, 1,547 posts, 86 columns for the Journal Star, three books, and dozens of articles, I’ve simply burned out.

Or maybe I’ve said all I have to say.

Or maybe, in a world that feels noisier every day, I’ve become more discerning about what and how much I add to the cacophony of voices and opinions.

I’ve been reading Henri Nouwen’s The Way of the Heart. It’s a small book, but it’s packed with powerful insights. Nouwen has (ironically) a lot to say about the value of silence:

“Let us at least raise the question of whether our lavish ways of sharing are not more compulsive than virtuous; that instead of creating community they tend to flatten out our life together.”

Nouwen wrote those words long before the advent of blogging and social media, but I can’t help but read them through the lens of the present day and from my own experience as an author.

When I posted that quote on Instagram (again, the irony), a reader commented that she didn’t understand the last bit, the part about how shared words can flatten out our life together.

I’m not sure I totally understand what he means either, but I know from my own experience, I often come away from social media feeling flattened — numb, distant, distracted, fragmented — whether I’ve shared myself or read what others have shared. To me, there is a false intimacy and a one-dimensionality there, even as we strive for authenticity, depth, and connection.

Nouwen also writes about the importance of faithfully caring for the inward fire.

“It is not so strange that many ministers have become burnt-out cases, people who say many words and share many experiences, but in whom the fire of God’s Spirit has died and from whom not much more comes forth than their own boring, petty ideas and feelings.

Our first and foremost task is faithfully to care for the inward fire so that when it is really needed it can offer the warmth and light to lost travelers.”

On one hand, caring for the inward fire as my first and foremost task feels selfish to me. As a “Christian writer,” I feel compelled to use my gifts to share the gospel — to offer, to the best of my ability, a little light by which to see along the journey. Caring for my own inward fire — especially caring for it first and foremost — doesn’t feel self-sacrificial enough.

Yet here’s the clincher: that inward light is what feeds my words. If I allow my own inner light to be diminished or extinguished, my words will become a mere clanging cymbal — noisy and persistent, but empty of truth.

The inward light also feeds me. Without it, I am an empty shell without a pearl; a body without a spirit.

“As ministers, our greatest temptation is toward too many words,” Nouwen writes. “They weaken our faith and make us lukewarm. But silence is a sacred discipline, a guard of the Holy Spirit.”

I think I’ve mostly reversed the order here by trying to care for the inward fire of others before my own. And isn’t that, in some ways, irreverent or perhaps even blasphemous – to assume the soul-care of others is my job, rather than God’s?

I guess this is a long-winded way (again, the irony!) of saying I’ll be quiet in this space for a while – perhaps for the rest of the summer, perhaps longer. I’ve resisted this decision. For a variety of reasons I’ve tried to ignore the nudge. To stop blogging seems both unwise professionally and a little bit unfair to my readers, some of whom have been faithfully walking alongside me here the whole long way (bless you!).

Yet I also know it would be more unwise to keep pushing. I don’t want to become the person who says many words and shares many experiences, but in whom the fire of God’s spirit has died.

Thanks for your understanding and patience, friends. You are very dear to me, and I am more grateful to you than you will probably ever know.

Reader Interactions

Comments

While I don’t often comment, I am a faithful reader. I always appreciate your honesty, Michelle. I wish you the very best during this season of silence and selfishly hope it will eventually lead you back to this space. Blessings to you and your family!

Michelle, this is truly beautiful and highlights how the Spirit works within and through us in different ways at different times, according to what is needed. Thank you for recognizing this and acting on it.

I think taking a step away for awhile, is healthy for you to do. Learning self-care is the first step at loving the world around you. I always thought of “time-out” as punishment for children, is more about giving parents some “time apart” to cool down, take some distance from your anger at a situation, have time to reflect before angry, inappropriate words are said. Even though your voice has been a voice of reason, thoughtfulness and care for others, all need to take steps away from normal routines.

Your past posts are words of encouragement for many of us on our journeys and has been a gift. Taking time away also helps us to recognize the variety of other voices out there, but also leaves us time for introspection. Enjoy fully your time off from your blog – get rested, rejuvenated and restored.

May God surround you with his healing presence and loving spirit! Blessings on your journey! The whispers of rest by Bonnie Gray has been a book recently that has given me comfort and guidance. Take a look at it if you can Michelle. It gives us permission to relax and rest in God.

Though selfishly I am sad about your decision, I pray your time of rekindling your inner fire will result in a bonfire. You are a significant blessing to many, and especially to me. You have helped rekindle my inner fire and I am eternally grateful to you. God bless you and give you peace.

wow Michelle! I understand this so completely! I have been struggling with and coming to some of these same thoughts and conclusions. I really appreciated reading this post today. I shall keep you in thought and prayer as you rest in some sense of quiet. Blessings!

these same thoughts have been passing through my own mind recently. i could say a bunch of frilly stuff, but the point is to say less, isn’t it? thank you. i will miss your realness in the cacophony of noise these days. hope to hear from you again one day. God bless.

Thank you for your well-written words over the years that have moved/inspired many. A humbling blessing/lesson for me was to recognize/learn (still learning) that no one really needs what I have to say; what they need is God. Prayers for you and your wonderful family. You are a blessing. “The silence of a man makes audible the voice of God, and disposes a man to pray.” ““Be still, and know that I am God.”

Michelle, this is so truth-filled…and appropriate. In the pastorate, ministers are encouraged to take a sabbatical every seven years, often one month for each year of service. It sounds like you need fallow ground time. Praying it is blessed! I enjoy the vulnerability you bring to all of your words here. Thank you!

I think the fact that my husband, an English professor, has been on sabbatical this semester (tenured faculty also get the opportunity for a sabbatical every six or seven years) – it got me thinking, hmmmm, I haven’t really ever stopped writing for the last 8 years…maybe it’s time? So yeah, I appreciate your insights on the sabbatical here today – thank you for seconding something I’ve been thinking about.

I think I know exactly what you mean because I have arrived in the same space. It feels so good to just”be still and know that I am God.” To just listen and really hear God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, speak. He is at work in the quiet.

And we are so grateful for you, dear Michelle! You are definitely not the first blogger whom I follow who has decided to go on Sabbatical for the summer (or maybe longer). May the rest rejuvenate your spirit and your words.
Blessings, my friend!

Dearest Michelle,
I read this just before heading out to sing at a funeral this morning. I printed it to read while my husband drove. Oh sigh . . . how I love all you write. You could write daily, and I would read daily. But oh my! I totally understand and respect your need to refrain from words. It’s an act of courage for an author to do this, but it is possible, yes, necessary, when it is directed by God. I have known silence I both as an author and a singer. There are times when God has asked me to stop writing words and times when He has asked me to stop singing them. And of course, you have to be still enough to listen for that instruction in the first place. But oh, this . . . I love this quote from the brilliant pianist Artur Schnabel: “The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes–ah, that is where the art resides.” In your silence, you will be making art. Your silence will not become for you a vacuum, but it will well up with richness and depth and insight and peace. All these gifts will overflow from the still place in your heart, and in this stillness, you will hear God, and you will be transformed. I’m excited for you, actually. You will be in my prayers.
Love,
Lynn

I’m a newer reader but really appreciate your heart and your honesty! I also love when Nebraska/Lincoln pops into your writing as I’m a Nebraska farm girl with a brother living in Lincoln (and miss those cornfields like crazy!). I have been learning a lot through your Lenten experiences and posts about giving up social media, and appreciate what you shared in this post as well. Thank you for staying true to what you feel called to do.

Hi Sarah and fellow Nebraskan! Thanks for saying hello and for your kind comment. I’ll be back in due time, but in the meantime, thank you for your encouragement and support – it really does mean a lot!

Listening to that little nudge will bear fruit – it always does. Those quotes from Nouwen are amazing. I feel similarly re words – both my own and others and the phrase “flattening out” seems to nail it. God can work, even through your silence. Enjoy your summer!

Dear Michelle…..I am still here reading even though I haven’t had much to say in a long time. (Irony again?) This post SO resonates with me right now. Although I don’t blog, twitter, or even have a Facebook account, (gasp), I have grown so weary of almost all that I hear about these methods used today, this ”social media” thing. It would seem that these methods of ”communication” are being used more for evil than for good these days. The need for silence has been much on my mind and heart. It just seems to me that the noise all around us has become deafening, maybe even deadening. And then I read this from you. A breath of fresh air. As per usual, God has used you to speak to me today. I can almost taste the freedom & peace surrounding you in your decision
Reading your blog has always been like having morning coffee with a dear friend! THAT I will miss. And your precious sense of humour. How I love your humour. Not to mention your wrestling over issues, always pointing Upward for solutions. Other blogs may come & go in my inbox…yours has been my one constant. I hope it’s okay to say that I will miss you. Yet I believe you will be back one day. I shall look forward to that. And I know God will BLESS you beyond measure in your Sabbatical of Rest. Enjoy it to the fullest.
Sent with Much Love, jillie

Oh Jillie, your comment made me teary. Thank you, sweet friend. I can’t even tell you how much your words (and you!) mean to me. Truly. You are a gift. I will be back at some point, that I know (almost) for sure. Already today I had about 6 or 7 moments where I thought of something I could write about. Maybe now that the pressure is totally off I will be free to be creative in a new way. We’ll see. In the meantime, just know that I treasure you and this unique friendship we’ve crafted along the way.

Oh Michelle, this is filled with so much truth! You wisely remind me of times in my own life when I felt the need to draw in and refresh my soul after feeling completely drained in spirit and “flattened out” by many words, my own and others’. I pray that you will be able to rest in Christ, and that His Spirit will infuse your heart and your life with grace, peace and joy.

I sure will miss your words here but understand and love you even more for being obedient. Flatten what a word! That alone is a concept to ponder all summer. Fill your well, Michelle and I hope to read more from you someday in the future.

Isn’t it, though? I’ve been thinking about those Nouwen words for days, turning them over, pondering them in my heart. There is so much depth there. He is pretty amazing. And his books are so short and seemingly simple – a lesson right there about fewer words. Thank you, Jean. I am grateful to have “met” you along this journey. (and one day still hope to meet in person!).

Hye Michelle,
Well I was going to comment on the beginning of your post, then I wasn’t, then I was wondering as I kept reading and after reading the end twice to be sure I got it, I thot I had to respond to possibly the last post you’ll have for a long time, don’t lose my email address. You aren’t the only one taking a break, third one this month so I’m thinking that anyone who has been at it for approx 20 years is at the place where they feel it’s time to give it a break. Of course the rest of us all feel sort of abandoned and lonely, like a friend is moving to Nova Scotia, which is lovely, just not close. I hope you find what you are looking for, we’ll all pray on it with you, I’m not a long time reader, cuz I just found you thru Humble Handmaid, who is slowly disappearing before our eyes also. I think this far into the new century there is a big change going on. Take care, love ya, may God bless you.

I understand. Been going through that in a way myself. I find I’m not even reading posts and blogs like I had been. I haven’t undetstood why but I think that some of what you expressed here is going on inside me in some way. This past year has been extremely difficult in so many ways. I think I need to also “be quiet”. Thank you for your words and books. I hope to read your words and thoughts again when it is time. The Lord be with you and yours.

Dear Michelle,
Thanks you for your insightful post. I was also reading “The way of the heart”: Thus silence is the mystery of the future world. It keeps us pilgrims and prevents us from becoming entangled in the cares of this age. It guards the fire of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. It allows us to speak a word that participates in the creative and recreative power of God’s own Word. – pg 50
I also don’t want to become the person who says many words and shares many experiences, but in whom the fire of God’s spirit has died. I’m just learning and want to practice the spiritual disciplines like silence, solitude, fasting, … myself. Thanks again and Blessings on you.

I will miss you but I understand. Your writing today is helping me with my own struggle. I too wonder if I’m trying too hard to help the Holy Spirit, thinking that He needs me to accomplish His purpose. Years ago He spoke this to me- be willing to be nobody. They were shocking words at the time, but I’m kind of growing into their meaning. The world doesn’t rest on my shoulders. The fate of others doesn’t depend on my carefully crafted words. I will be here if and when you return!

Thank you for this, Michelle. I wonder if “something ” is going around. I am in the very same place. My blog languishes. I have stopped scrolling through fb, and my poor little book is sitting quietly. Yet I don’t feel that urge to pick things up again. I am happy with instagram for now -in a quiet, waiting place.
Your words are so wise.

It takes courage to write this and step out into obedience and live it out. I know you don’t know me but I’m proud of you and proud of Christians like you who see the season God has them in and responds to His call to rest or make a shift in normal life to refresh and rebuild and re-evaluate. Thanks for your honest words and example to all of us that it’s more than okay to push “pause” until further notice. May the Holy Spirit refresh you in ways you never dreamed possible. May your soul be fed every day at the feet of the Savior. May this open up time to breathe and see the beauty of life all around you and embrace whatever new season God is opening up for you…however it may look. 🙂

I will miss your inspiration and wisdom. I have enjoyed your blogs…of all the zillion people who blog many of them my own family …you are the ONLY one I have followed religiously and the reason I found you was because of your pro LGBT blog. Having a gay daughter brings any LGBT issues near to my Heart. Thank You for the kind words and for the wisdom you have shared on so many topics. I will miss you! God Speed!.

Hey Michelle, I’ve never visited your site before. I found you because i visited Holly’s Testimony Tuesday blog party and she referenced you in her blog post. I just knew I had to visit you, and I’m so glad I did. I love what you’ve shared here. I want you to know that your words about saying fewer words have spoken life to me. Thank you for that! I’ll visit your site from time to time and read what you’ve already posted. I’m pretty sure your previous words will bless me.

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Living out faith in the everyday is no joke. If you’re anything like me, some days you feel full of confidence and hope, eager to proclaim God’s goodness and love to the world. Other days…not so much.

Let me say straight up: I wrestle with my faith. Most days I feel a little bit like Jacob, wrangling his blessing out of God. And most days I’m okay with that. I believe God made me a questioner and a wrestler for a reason, and I believe one of those reasons is so that I can connect more authentically with others.