Friday, August 3, 2012

(Photo and blog title courtesy of @jenwiehl - so funny and perfect that I had to steal both)

*pushes giant red plastic button*

Welcome to the black hole that is Big Brother 14. Welcome to the gravitational suckhole that slurps up time and people and never looks back. Buh bye week one! Adios week two! See ya later Willie tits! Vaya con dios week three! This Event Horizon, this Point Of No Return, this Total Recall is our Nightmare On Big Brother Street. Scientifically speaking, the black hole forms when a massive star is at the end of its life cycle. It grows and grows absorbing mass, light, time, people, common sense, good ratings... Willies. *tear* The dying star in this scenario is Big Brother and being the BB indentured servant that I am, I better hurry up and write this blog before my gin, my glitter, and myself are all sucked into oblivion. Let's recap, shall we?

All aboard the Shit Boat! The Bukkake Shit Boat. The squirting poop jizz all over your face boat. No, this isn't that one dark freaky movie tucked away in the back of your personal porn collection. This is Big Brother bitches! So, the feeds return and the Houseguests are hanging off the side of the Titanic. Rabid seagulls caw in the distance which is strangely a lot like Celine Dion singing about how her heart will go on. Joe is singing 'Eye Of The Tiger' as Shane announces, "No offense, but Jodi would've fallen already." Boogie shivers quietly to himself before discreetly turning to Ian and whispering, "I can't win this." It's been a hot minute and Boogie is already having major problems. You can't blame him really. It's the ole guy's nap time! His tea is getting cold and his digestive biscuits are going stale.

Whether it's the freezing cold water, the flying jizz, or the tilt of the ship, Rip Van Winkle simply can't hang on. Boogie is the first to drop and is quickly followed by both Jenn and Joe. Jenn pretty much gave up while the gravitational pull of the Big Brother blackhole latched onto Joe's face pubes and yanked him into the water. Clearly.

And here they all are snuggled together sucking at life.

The feces continue to fly while Wil cocks his hip casually and chats up Danielle. I can't really hear what he is saying, but I'm sure it's something like, "Can you please scratch my skull for me? Please. The nits. My god, the nits!"

Down towards the other end of the ship, we find Shane and Frank both beginning to have issues yet strangely rooting each other on. Has the newbie revolution reconvened? Let's hope so. Revolution or not, this is an Endurance Competition for a petite sort of frame. Large hairy curly wildebeests with cankles saved by Grodner's lady boner are jumbly and awkward. Into the sea with you! Fall! Fall!

While I was quieting down the sacrificial virgin on stand by and preparing my hemlock, belladonna, and mugwort spell to topple curly creatures, I suddenly heard a screech followed by a splash and, ultimately, a giggle. A guttural hearty giggle. It's Ashley and the stars that dance over her head 24 hours a day were simply too distracting for her to hang on anymore.

Ashley is then followed by Julliard trained actor, Dan. Dan throws everything, ev-er-y-thing, and this first Endurance Comp is no exception. Only this time, he lingers in the water and pouts. He balls up his tiny fists and shouts, "Oh darn! Shoot! Fiddlesticks." Whatever Dan. This sad comedy of errors continues after he finally emerges from the water and retreats to stare forlornly into the distance. And the Razzie goes to...

Paul Bunyon is next to fall which, I have to admit, tickles my groins. If there is one person I did not want to see win this, it's Frank. After CBS bent the entire season to his will like a flirtatious willow tree, the last thing he needed was another reward. He shouldn't even be there!

Minutes and hours and days pass and our poor fop Shane is beginning to get a little squirrelly. He has endured the cold and the jizz. He has hung on to the ship of doom, this ship of fools, for dear life. The problem is that his hands and arms are going numb. With grunts and cries and Monica Seles "UGH's", it's looking like the end is nigh for the boy band member who had his HOH so rudely snatched away from him. Nothing he did last week matters anymore. All he has is this moment. This one wet fart of a moment right here. Wil, too, is struggling. This duo of Little Lord Fauntleroys look at one another in the eye and nod. They'll jump ship together. Splash! Snap, snap, twist.

Amazonian Janelle trundles her carcass into the water next and I couldn't be happier. I'm sick of hearing about what a great player this chick is. I haven't seen it! I. Haven't. Seen. It.

And this brings us to our final three: Ian, Britney, and Danielle. Let's evaluate them one by one. Ian would make a miserable HOH. He's meek, easily manipulated, and would never have the lady balls to put a Coach on the block. Britney is simple awful. We can't have a Coach as HOH - not now. Plus, she'll probably get something crunchy in her HOH basket and then she'll want to eat it. My ears! Lastly, we have demonically possessed Danielle. It's no secret that I am not a fan of Danielle, however... however! She's batshit crazy and there's no telling what kinds of sexual favors she'd demand from Shane during her tenure. Can't you just see her forcing Shane to sleep with her every night? While he sleeps she'll stare down at him with wild eyes and count his tiny breaths. Up and down, one. Up and down, two. OMG she's so creepy! It could be our first poltergeist HOH. Sign me up!

The final three begin to wither and fade. Ian can't hang on much longer and if no one will hand him the HOH so he can get a letter from his mommy, then he wants to know that he's safe. Britney, too, looks anxiously from side to side and asks, "Will I be safe? You're not going to put me up, are you?" Finally, they all agree that they won't put one another up.

Ian jumps, Britney topples over, and Danielle, very strangely, floats feet first and lands creepily on her back. She opens her mouth and inhales. A long slow pull on the black demon smoke cloud that floats above her. IT is in her now and there's nothing she can do about it. Once IT is allowed to enter a healthy host body, the world becomes upside down crosses and weird runes drawn in chalk on the floorboards under the bed. What was once cozy is now barefoot flannel pajama witching hour creeping about the house on tiptoes. Welcome to rings under the eyes and strange messages burned onto the skin. You know that line from Breakfast Club, "It'll be anarchy!"? Well, this week in Big Brother... it'll be Amityville! *raven flies overhead*

I'm afraid we're going to need an old priest and a young priest this week, bitches. Lord help us.

And that's that. Sadly, the initial overnight game talk is missing some very important elements. Those elements being COACHES. I don't know what sort of game the devil is playing, but he doesn't want Danielle to nominate any Coaches. That's how he works though. He never gives us what we want! Right now we might be looking at a Wil/Frank nomination which makes no sense at all to me. We've got 8 Newbies and 4 Coaches. The Newbies need to pull a Willie, band together, and get the Coaches out now so they can play their own game. I'll start looking in my Book Of Shadows and see what I can come up with to get Janelle on the block. Leave me a comment if you dabble in the black arts... or watch Charmed reruns. I'm open to all suggestions.

So. So! What do you guys think? How about that twist, huh? How about CBS completely destroying the moral fibers that hold reality television together? Are you happy with our new HOH? Who do you think Danielle should nominate? Does Shane have a prayer of coming out of this alive, a wing and a prayer? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It's going to be a hell of a week. Literally, HELL. Mwahahaha!!! Why not sign up for a 3-day free trial of the Live Feeds? You have nothing to lose... BUT YOUR SOUL.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

When I say "butcher knife yielding delusional batshit crazy stalker", what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Danielle. Yes, correct. Danielle. Pudding faced, button-eyed Danielle. Squishy and unstable, needy and desperate, Danielle is the type of girl who'll drive to Florida wearing a diaper in order to kill her lover, her lover's lover, or her lover's lover's 2nd half cousin visiting from Des Moines. Non compos mentis around the clock, this one. Moonstruck and shit out of luck. Vampire fingers and a succubus heart. She'll wrap you in her gluestick arms and never let go. Stick, stick, stick... never leave me Shaaaane. You can run, but you will stick! Mate with this one and you mate for life. Like the black vulture she'll peck and flap and yank your intestines out with her beak if you dare look at her man sideways. Actually, I might like to see that. Let's recap, shall we?

The day begins with a pick. A nit, an itch, a tug. Wil has his fingers all tangled up in his extensions and I suspect they'll be there until the end of time. Nevertheless, we've got a game to cover and cover it I shall. We begin with Wil and Boogie chatting in the backyard. Boogie is happy with the way the game is right now. He doesn't need to enter the game in order to make his summer a richer more fulfilled experience for himself. Sleeping all day suits him.

Wil does his sneering thing and replies that Danielle has no idea how to play this game. Boogie agrees and says that he's never seen so few people in the house who know how the game works. Wil wonders if maybe Ashley knows how to play. They agree that Shane and Ian have no idea what they're doing, but maybe Jenn is finally catching on. Boogie says that Wil and Frank are the only ones who get it. It's pretty obvious that Boogie is buttering up Wil in this scene. He could be telling Wil the truth, but chances are he's just trying to get Wil to save Frank this week.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, we find the two miserable witch people fretting about how the votes will go. The plan is to vote out Frank. That's the way things should go. Only, last night, Wil and Janelle got into a fight and now Janelle is worried that Wil will vote out Joe instead. Hearing this is upsetting to Britney. Both harpies know that if Julie Chen announces the new twist (coaches entering the game) before the vote on Thursday, that Wil will definitely vote to keep Frank. The two twirl their hair in their fingers and gnaw on the quick of their nails as they whine about how hard it's going to be to get Wil, Dan, Boogie and Frank out of the game. Janelle whispers, "Game over." She decides that if Wil flips, then she might as well pack up and go home next week. She might as well toss all of her Mary Kay products and Forever 32 clothes into her suitcase and hit the road. She'll tell the house to vote her out. She'll offer to go on the block if she has to. And this is the girl people rave about all the time? This quitter? Gross.

The two continue to stir their cauldron as they bitch about Wil. Janelle laments, "I saved his ass this week!" She says that if she had saved Joe it would be Wil up on the block and scrambling for the last votes right now. Janelle then says that Frank is flirting with Wil to get his vote. Britney says that Frank's words don't work on her. She's wise to what he's up to. She knows he's playing the game and admits that he's good at it. Britney thinks that Frank is ten times the player that Boogie is which makes him ten times as dangerous.

Janelle shifts the conversation back to herself and says again how she'll leave this game is Frank stays in the house. There's no way she'll stick around and watch a bunch of newbies hand the game over to Frank. But what if Britney makes up a lie? What if Britney goes to Wil and tells him that Frank asked her if she could get her team to vote out Wil last week if Frank put him on the block? Britney pauses to consider the lie. She thinks it might work, but she doesn't want to incriminate herself. Maybe they could pin it on JoJo instead? Their new plan is to tell Wil that Frank was going to work with JoJo and wanted her vote to get rid of Wil. Britney gnaws on her thumb and sighs, "We can't lose this vote."

Just outside the bathroom we hear the clippety clop of a Clydesdale. It's Danielle and seeing Britney and Janelle talking to one another makes her blood boil. Seeing anyone do anything that doesn't include her stimulates her glands to release something I suspect is similar to a wine I had last night. It was called Jealous Bitch. I bought it because it said "Bitch" on it, but looking at the photo above I'm beginning to realize how serendipitous the purchase really was. Look at those eyes - button eyes! Button Danielle eyes. Anyhow, Janelle eventually gets up to leave as a nervous Danielle waits for the perfect time to pounce on Britney. "What were you talking to Janelle about? Was Janelle talking about me? Did she say anything about my legs? Does she have any food allergies I can use to kill her? I swear I saw her talking to Shane the other day. Shane, Shane, Shane!"

Britney whispers to Danielle, "We need to talk." (Oh Jesus Christ, don't you know you never say those 4 words to a chick like Danielle?) Britney ushers her into the Arcade Room and tells her that they may have lost Wil's vote. Danielle furrows her brow and looks confused. Wil promised her just last night that he'd vote out Frank. Britney replies, "Oh. Then Janelle is just being paranoid." Speaking of Janelle, Danielle thinks that she is flirting with Shane. Shane, her fiance Shane. Her life partner Shane. The father of her future children Shane. The more she continues, the more her button eyes look like they'll pop right out of her skull. NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO TALK TO SHANE BUT HER! No one! And then the light fixtures overhead exploded and Britney crawled out of the room on her stomach. Ah, young love!

Similarly, Janelle is feeling a paranoia creep into her bones. It's not Shane she's paranoid about though. It's Wil, her former manservant Wil. He's getting a lot of high and mighty ideas about not having to listen to his coach and it's freaking Janelle out. She yanks Ashley into the Arcade Room to find out what she knows. Janelle demands that Ashley tell her everything that Wil has said to her. Ashley says that last night in the hot tub Wil talked about the coaches entering the game. Wil said that the coaches twist was messing with everyone's head. Ashley says that Frank is also going around telling everyone how it took him 3 seasons to get on the show. She thinks he is doing it as a way to get sympathy and have people vote to keep him in the house. Ashley concludes that she really doesn't see Wil voting out Joe this week. It just wouldn't make any sense. "It would be so stupid." Janelle ends the conversation by telling Ashley to stick to Wil like glue until the vote.

This whole time you may have been wondering where Wil has been. Well, he was asleep. His fingers got trapped in his hair so he went to sleep. When we finally wakes up, Joe steals him for a moment to chat in the Arcade Room. Joe is straightforward and tells Wil that he is scared that Wil will vote him out. Wil tells him it's all part of some master plan he has to psych out Ian. He wants Ian completely discombobulated by Frank's eviction that he'll be unable to focus and win in the HOH. He admits that he's pissed off at Janelle and hates it that she kisses other people's asses on his behalf. He's not here to win his coach $100K. He's here to win himself $500K. Wil says that Janelle made a bad move pissing him off especially since he's one of her players.

Wil reassures Joe that he has nothing to worry about. He says he just doesn't agree with the way Janelle does things. He's sick of Janelle representing him and from this point on he's going to do his own thing.

Now let us take a jaunt upstairs for a conversation that will make your skin crawl. It might feel a little creepy, but it's sort of delicious at the same time. OK so up in the HOH room we find Danielle and Britney preparing to take a nap. Britney whispers to Danielle, "We really need to get Frank out this week." Danielle agrees. Britney smooches, "You've probably thought this through more than I have." Danielle replies, "Shane. He doesn't give me hugs anymore in the morning." Como what?

Britney nods and I don't know if she's being evil just to be evil or what, but she is truly an awful person. Get this - Britney then tells Danielle that Ashley was downstairs telling everyone that Danielle is someone who always needs to be made to feel important. Danielle stares back at Britney in silence. With a wide open mouth she just stares. At home I ran for the crucifix because by now I've learned that when Danielle sits with her mouth open, she's letting the devil in. He sees the blood boiling within her and can't help but be attracted to it.

Britney continues and tells Danielle that Ashley said Danielle never feels important in this house. With flies buzzing around her lips, Danielle continues to stare. When she finally does speak, it's a croak. "How am I supposed to take that?" she asks. Britney shrugs her shoulders and Danielle's face begins to turn beet red. She never even talks to Ashley! Why would Ashley say such a thing about her?

It's just as this moment that both Janelle and Ashley trot into the HOH room to raid all of Shane's salty snacks. Apparently, the girls are all syncing up their menstrual cycles. They're all grouchy and starving. Danielle continues to seethe and squirm while Janelle warns everyone that Joe will call out Frank tonight (I don't think this ever happened.) Janelle crunches ferociously and announces with her mouth open, "Frank is a piece of shit and needs to go. Sorry Nana!" She says Frank is the snake of the house. He's the one spreading all the shit around. Janelle admits that Joe does it too, but nowhere near to the extent that Frank does.

Naturally, at the moment, Danielle can't sleep anymore. Or sit still. Or stop seeing bodies burning in a cavernous deep well. She needs to talk with Ashley so the two steal away to the Arcade Room. Ashley begins by spreading her love and light. She's so happy that she and Danielle are working together now. She's thrilled at how close they are. She's beyond excited that they're finally a family. Danielle narrows her eyes and places her lips into an angry thin line. "Really?" she asks. Then her eyes go black. The blackest black you've ever seen. There is no black blacker than the black of Danielle's eyes right at this moment.

Danielle finally breathes and says that she doesn't know what to believe anymore or who to trust because she's heard some shit going around the house. Ashley asks her what's going on. Danielle then asks Ashley if she told people that she needs to be made to feel important. Ashley blinks a few times and says , "No! I said that all the girls in the house were really sensitive. Including myself!" She sighs and says, "Oh my god, all of my words in this house get so twisted." Danielle's black orbs of death continue to suck all of the light out of the room as she calmly lies, "It really didn't make me mad." Ashley replies that it makes her mad. She says it's just now dawning on her how everything in this house gets so twisted. Danielle stares into Ashley's soul and says, "Be careful what you say." *shivers*

With a wave of her hand (and a tiny flame that shoots across across the room), Danielle tells Ashley to send Joe in to see her so they can talk. Joe enters and Danielle says icily, "I hear you have questions for me." *shivers again* Joe says, "I want you to go to the absolute bottom." Danielle pauses to consider this. What bottom is he talking about? Shane's bottom? The bottom of the barrel? Danielle finally asks him what he means. He says that he wants her to go the bottom three. In Joe's world "bottom" equals "final". Danielle nods approvingly as Joe tells her she's his most favorite person in the house. Joe then asks her if she has heard about Frank's big plan for tonight. Apparently, Frank wants to call out Joe and publicly make him feel bad. Joe thinks today will be a good day, but tomorrow will be heavy hearted. He sighs knowing that Boogie will start a smear campaign against him.

At this point the house sort of disperses and everyone makes their dinner. I watched the Olympics for the rest of the night, but I did wake up at 4:30 am and managed to catch Danielle, once again, trying to spend the night in Shane's bed. There they lay. Shane inched over to the edge of the bed with Danielle firmly pressing her body up against him. She coos in his ear, "If you give me a back rub, I'll give you one." Shane replies that he doesn't want a back rub. Danielle, however, pushes her back into his hands and waits. Shane stares up at the ceiling wondering how to get this crazy bitch out of his bed, but he knows he also needs her vote this week to get rid of Frank. Reluctantly, he pats her on the back and says, "There." Danielle takes this as a proposal of marriage and cries, "Yes! I'll marry you." Shane sighs again and continues to stare up at the ceiling, "You live in Alabama. I live in Vermont. I don't want to start something." The only words Danielle hears is "start something" so she reaches over and gives him a handy with her devil claws. Alright, so I may have made up that last part. It was like 5 in the morning! The point I'm trying to make is that she's nuts. Also, Shane's penis will be shredded by the time this season is over. I'm positive about that.

OK so I'll end this here. From what I can tell, none of the confrontations everyone was worried about happened last night, but perhaps they'll happen today. So, what do you guys think? Do they have enough votes to get rid of Frank? If Julie Chen announces the twist before the vote, will Wil defect? Do you think Danielle sharpens her blades on a stone or on her teeth? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!