I was BOMBARDED with spoilers before this episode had even aired on the west coast. THANKS A LOT BACHELOR. DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL I HAVE?! They announced the next Bachelorette is Next-Bachelorette-Rachel. Awesome. Nick tweets THIS about "hashtag diversity"...

No one better to show Bachelor Nation, & the world, the beauty of embracing diversity! So excited for you Rachel! #thebachelor#diversity

Possible reasons for this weirdly early announcement: controlling the narrative of who the audience roots for, trying to get better casting for her season, or it was already going to come out and they wanted to beat it.

Back to the show. It's the next morning after Nick's weepy hotel room spaz attack. We see the women sitting in silence, digesting. Raven: "For him to cry and lay it all out there..."

In Hoxie you're only allowed to cry when the Arkansas Razorbacks lose the championship or when you find out your kid is gay.

Side note, ​I know this is a complete pipe dream but I really wish we knew where all the contestants stood on the election. ​

We've spent so much time together in the same physical space that legally we are brothers now.

They discuss Nick's insecurities in this process working out. It definitely feels like they've already had this conversation offscreen and are re-creating it for drama. Nick: "I've been incredibly confident in relationships before..."

As you know, I have the confidence of a god even though my only discernible skills are squinting, selfie lighting design, and mumble-talking while I'm actually in the middle of a REM cycle.

​Nick: "There’s a million ways this won’t work out." Lord Harrison: "Are you ready to quit and walk away from all this?" Lord Harrison would never let him quit.

Please don't let him quit. I told the kids there'd be no more homework if I didn't bring home the big prize.

Nick Barges into the Women's Hotel Room without Actually Knocking AGAIN

Nick fake-knocks AS he enters. Next-Bachelorette-Rachel: "He could say he doesn’t want to do any of this." Pretty sure he can't, contractually. Nick: "Where's everyone?"

Where's everyone? Are you saying they exist NOT on this couch waiting for my every emotional whim?

A couple of the girls have to get out of bed.

Ugh, fuck, is our boyfriend crying again? How am I supposed to get a good eight hours with all this g-d spiraling?!

Nick: "Um, I'm very sorry for um, barging in last night."

Um, I'm very sorry for um, barging in last night. I wanted to make it up to you by um, barging in this morning but in like, um, shorter shorts?

Next-Bachelorette-Rachel and Russian Kristina cuddle as Nick explains his doubts about the whole process to the group.

Nick is crying again. He tells them his relationship with Danielle didn’t compete with "the strength I feel in this room."

The strength I feel in this room is almost as strong as my urge to avoid direct eye contact.

Nick tells them he's not giving up! The ladies rejoice.

Nick announces he's cancelling the cocktail party/rose ceremony and that they're going to head "to the beautiful island of Bimini." Now the girls are actually excited. Nick acts like this trip is of his own volition and not a recourse of the producers because he screwed up the show's timing by sending too many people home at once.

We get to get bemeaned in Bimini?!

They go to Bimini

Raven: "It's the most beautiful place I've ever been, so nothing could go wrong."

Vanessa: “I’ve been waiting for another one-on-one!” Tiffany Trump: “Wow. You lucky bitch.”

Byeeeeee... hope you have a good dayyyy... there's no such thing as luck bitchhhhh

Tiffany Trump: "I'm getting frustrated and I'm really bloated."

Vanessa One-on-One Date
Vanessa: "I needed this date."

That moment when you realize that urge to puke was caused by the sleazy sociopath you'e dating and not the zero gravity plane.

Nick looks like he's wasting away to nothing.

Back at the Hotel…
Tiffany Trump bitches about Vanessa for a while: "I don’t get from her that there’s much to open up about. I don’t see much depth to Vanessa. When I talk to her it's just 'My family is Italian, and we get together every Sunday and we make pasta.'"

It's like, 'Hola Vanessa, pasta, we get it, gracias.'

Tiffany Trump: "Nick only sees this special needs teacher that is just so pretty, pretty perfect. We get it Vanessa. OK."

Nick wants to make sure he doesn't lose the relationship with her. Vanessa: “I’m not going anywhere.”

Vanessa: "Nick is someone that I had always envisioned existed I never thought that I would meet."

They are forced to make out in the water while wearing snorkels.

NO ONE WOULD DO THIS OF THEIR OWN VOLITION.

Vanessa: "This feeling is love."

This feeling is love. Or maybe it's symptoms of a sea disease you get when you imbibe dirty shipwreck water.

Vanessa "can't wait to see his facial reaction" to her telling him she loves him. She knows "that Nick is feeling the same way."

Nick: “So… hometowns is next week.”

Now you do your speech to convince me to give you one.

That moment when you silently confirm to yourself that you're incapable of love...

Nick: "I really, really like you a lot."

Nick: "I’ve never dated multiple women before."

Bull. Shit.

Nick: "I want to say it in a way like I’ve never felt before." Vanessa: "I’m just afraid to end up like Nick did. Heartbroken at the end of this."

Nick's Date with Raven, Russian Kristina and Tiffany Trump

Nick: "Hey, ladies! Ahoy!"

Ahoy! Who wants to give me some slack?

Tiffany Trump: "I’ve been on a bigger boat than this."

They play porno music for Corinne taking her clothes off.

Kristina then declares herself a "fighter", takes her clothes off, and asks Nick to slather her up in sunscreen.

Nick puts sunscreen in ALL the places he assumes she can't reach. Nick: "Get that inner thigh."

Nick makes a terrible joke about how he's going to leave Tiffany Trump on a small island. Then he tells them they're going to swim with sharks. Nick: "Corinne, I've never known you to back down from anything."

I've never known you to back down from any challenge. To be fair, 99% of the challenges so far have been dick-related.

Raven jokes about the other two getting eaten by sharks. For a girl who beat the shit out of her boyfriend with a stiletto, none of these threats seem like jokes.

Nick’s hair looks so stupid.

Tiffany Trump is pissed Russian Kristina seems to be getting the most attention from Nick.

Triple Date Cocktail Hour...
Tiffany Trump looks shit-faced.

Nick can’t stop crying as he talks to Russian Kristina about how hard this process is on him.

Nick buries his head into Kristina’s tits.

I know you were starved as a child and forced to eat lipstick but I have to dump someone hot shortly.

Tiffany Trump: "I’m just eating cheese. I’m eating my feelings."

Nick and Raven discuss how her "Daddy" will respond to this situation. Nick: "Knowing my story, I would have a shit-ton of questions." Raven explains that she dropped out of law school because her Dad got cancer.

Nick: "Have you learned at all about some of the history on this island?" Are they allowed to have books? Where would she learn this? Danielle likes him, "Like 150 bajillion percent."

They drink beers covered in hay. Nick: "Whether it's nerves or chemistry, right now, Danielle and I seem to be struggling having a more natural conversation."

The light hand nuzzles just aren't what they used to be.

Nick: "You’re fun to have fun with and I always appreciate that... Your face is pretty great." Nick looks like a schoolboy in a dumb sweater.

You're fun to have fun with, your face is great at being a face, you're awesome at being a human woman, etc.

Danielle tells Nick that her heart is open to him. Nick: "When I've been in love... this kind of longing, you know, like this burning desire of missing them, of craving them... I want that with you but I'm realizing that I don't think my heart can get there. I'm sorry. You're just so great."

I really WANT to give a shit about you when we're not together.

Danielle: "I'm not great enough."

Yeah, that’s exactly what that means. Nothing to do with the sociopath in front of you.

Danielle says goodbye to the women, "I need to go before I totally lose it."

Tiffany Trump Tries to Fuck Nick

Tiffany Trump decides to make her own one-on-one with Nick by surprising him in his hotel room.

Corinne dresses like the chick from Grease when she gets "bad" at the end to please the dude.

I'm gonna make that room famous as FUCK.

Nick makes this face as he answers the door.

Whaaaa? You're not my room service order for a blood transfusion from some local youths to make my skin glow!

Nick says "what a surprise" so many times that it makes me think it's definitely not a surprise. He calls her "sneaky, sneaky."

Nick asks her "what do you have in mind?" Tiffany Trump suggests they move to the bedroom.

Tiffany Trump: "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum." Is "vagine" what the kids are calling it these days?

From outside the closed door we hear a series of bizarre phrases in between Nick and Tiffany Trump kissing: "You have to have two hands on at all times... Never jiggle... Lightly massage... There's no beating around the bush with me... I'm very attracted." And finally, Nick: "Wait, wait, wait. Slow-- slow down."

Nick tells her it's not a good idea so they don't have regrets. Tiffany Trump leaves upset. She is so devastated that she skips this open sliding door and chooses to push another further door open to get out of the hotel?

Tiffany Trump: "Sneaking over to Nick's room completely backfired."

THIS FACE!

Next-Bachelorette-Rachel's One-on-One
Nick and Rachel go to a bar he insists that "no tourists go to" and drink beers covered in hay again.

Nick asks her a question he mysteriously hasn't asked any of the other women: "Will I be similar to guys you dated before or will they be like 'What?!'"

Are they going to be confused by my color--ful personality?

Rachel's no idiot, "No, ​I’ve never brought home a white guy... I love sports but I don’t play games."

I do believe it is on record that I was the second person to quit the volleyball game of tears.

The bartender tells Rachel to make sure "this guy really needs you and doesn't just want you."

Hey, you know this dude has fuckboy written all over him, right?

They laugh and sign their names on the ceiling of the bar, that appears to be covered by things written by tourists like "Camille and Theresa from Brooklyn, NY."

I know I said no tourists go here but to be fair everything I say is a script someone else gave to me. I know nothing.

The concept of Rachel bringing home her first white dude is so hot they make out.

Back at the Hotel...
​Tiffany Trump is freaking out that she’s going home, "I feel like I'm last on the totem pole here."

Nick tells Lord Harrison that he's going to break up with one woman without putting her through a rose ceremony. Lord Harrison: "It’s a necessary evil." Of course. Nick storms into the women's Hotel Room. Tiffany Trump: "I'm having a fucking nervous breakdown."