Keith Stewart’s remarkable adventures usually occur near his hometown of Hyden in the hills of southeastern Kentucky, although he can be found aimlessly wandering the streets of nearby Lexington at any given moment. Before he shed his corporate casing, he worked as a certified public accountant for a multi-national company. He now enjoys less stressful work with much less pay, and blogs and writes and stuff. Oh, and he is as happy as a clam.

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Thursday, December 11, 2014

2014 Inappropriate Gift List

With only a couple of weeks remaining before Christmas, it's time for the annual Strong Man's Cup of Tea Inappropriate Gift List!

Does your list include someone extremely difficult to buy for? Maybe you are all finished with your holiday shopping except for that ONE person. There is always that ONE person.

Whether or not these gifts help you decide to purchase a particular item depends on your own taste. All I do is offer up some suggestions, although I am including links to the related websites in case you decide to purchase. If you do, please let me know!

Without further ado,

2014 Inappropriate Gifts

Microwave For One Cookbook

Perhaps your list includes a single friend or family member struggling with cooking for only himself. Maybe he or she is used to cooking for two, three, or four people, but now is all alone at home with only the tick-tocking of the hallway clock to keep her company. What better way to say you understand she is by herself than giving what is undoubtedly the saddest cookbook ever printed? Single serve meals nuked in a jiffy. For an added flair, you may want to also include a box of wine to wash it all down.

How many times has it happened to you? You are at work or at school and suddenly you mess yourself? Oh, the misery! You only meant to let out a wee poof of gas, but alas, more than you bargained for barged out the door. Now, instead of either having to run back home and change undershorts or spending the remainder of your day not only feeling, but actually being not-so-fresh, you can simply pull out a fresh pair of undies from your Emergency Underpants Dispenser! The smart looking box looks JUST LIKE a box of tissue, except for the fabric of the undershorts sticking out the top. A perfect gift to say to that special someone, "Hey! I shit myself, too. I understand."

The Man Sack Fanny Pack

Have a dude on your list who really needs a fanny pack? He carries lots of things with him on a daily basis, yet he insists on clutter-free hands. "But fanny packs are too feminine," he argues. Well, no more, my friend, no more. The new Man Sack Fanny Pack is custom made for the man who has a need to carry stuff without losing any of his made-up-masculinity. The only problem he will be having is remembering if he hangs his iPhone in the left or in the right.

Bacon Scented Body Wash

Seriously, America, we have gone too far with the "bacon is great!" movement. While bacon is tasty, and the smell of it frying is the best thing ever to wake up to in the morning, I am not sure that smelling like bacon all day because of your body wash is a good idea. This gift is only recommended for people with careers such as dog catching, fat guy luring, and greasy diner appraising.

The Wine Rack

Have a friend who is always talking about wanting a boob job AND who also drinks a lot? Boom! Perfect gift! The Wine Rack is a bra that will hold a bottle of wine or a fifth of gin all while making your breasts look much bigger. The main selling point, of course, is the inconspicuous three-foot long plastic tube hanging out under one arm so that you (or a buddy) can drink all that tasty lukewarm wine or gin in secret! Perfect for those long t-ball games or boring boardroom meetings.

Butt / Face Soap

We all have that friend who just doesn't know his butt from a hole in the ground. This soap is made especially for him! While many of us may use wash clothes or loofahs, some people choose just to use a bar of soap as both judge and jury. Sometimes it can get pretty confusing remembering what body part last touched which area of the soap. This bar ends all that confusion. Simply use the Face side for your facial areas and the Butt side for, you know, your other places.

The Willy Warmer

Friends, global warming isn't slowing down. Our weather is becoming more and more extreme. The hot weather is hotter and, by golly, the cold weather is just downright miserable. Men need a Willy Warmer now more than ever. Made of the softest yarn the Chinese have available, these mitts for your bits can make even the chilliest day tolerable for a man's tricks who are forced to live on the outside of the body. Just like animals, if you are cold, it is cold.

Trunk in my Junk

While on the subject, sometimes cold weather can cause shrinkage. Other times, the original package is just not that big to begin with. Every now and then, a man just needs a little extra somethin'-somethin' down there for his confidence. When times like that arise, Trunk in my Junk is just what the doctor ordered. This cod piece will give your buddy the confidence to wear those skinny pleather pants out clubbing with swagger. And who will he thank? You. For buying him his Junk.

Deer Rear Bottle Opener

The old saying goes, "The fun really begins when you can you open your beverage bottle on what appears to be the bunghole of a deer!" That is exactly what you and your friends will be doing when you purchase this great conversation starter/utility device. This two-feet long deer rear mounted to your wall will provide endless entertainment for adults as well as children! You will never buy screw-off bottles again! Guaranteed!

Glitter Pills

Do you have a friend or family member who is bored with having mundane urine? How about dull, lifeless #2s? Then Glitter Pills are the perfect gift! Simply pop this "nontoxic" glitter capsule and wait! Once it moves through your body, it will get expelled. BAM! Your urine will be sparkly! KAPLOW! Your #2 drops will be flashy! The gift recipient will probably call you into the bathroom so you can witness the party with your own eyes! Freaky, man, freaky!

The Man Who Will Smear For You

Finally, for the person who simply has everything. Give the gift of video. A video made especially for that special loved one. A personal video of this guy smearing ketchup and mustard all over himself. VERY reasonably priced for a custom item.

There you have it. I hope this list helps you find the perfect gift or avoid making a dire mistake this shopping season. By the way, if I happen to be on your list, I would gladly accept any and all of these! Have a great Christmas!