On the 9th of july I was hit by a 72 year-old driver’s tractor-trailer while heading south on I – 75 – totaling my vehicle. I stepped out of that vehicle on my own, with only an insignicant-looking cut on my left ankle. The next morning, I wake up to see one of my therapist – which was a blessing after being in such an incident! While I was in session with her, she came over to embrace me in a way that I cannot remember ever having experienced – I truly felt a sense of love & security in her arms – The length and the assurance I felt of its authenticity was truly, heavenly!! Then 2 weeks later to-the-day of the accident – the 23rd of july – , the same very dear therapist, I was told she had suffered devastating injuries, that left her in a hospital bed to slowing accept her physical death after being hit by a car while riding her motorcycle to work! That taking place 4 days prior on a friday, the 19th of July. The next day, the 24th, both of my parents left for Florida. Later that same day, while at work, I wind up splitting both of my middle fingers on my right hand open! I was rotating tires on a vehicle, when I suddenly missed sight of the sheet metal tray on the side of the vehicle lift where both fingers were crushed between this tray and the tire… instantly causing excruciating pain! My boss didn’t appear too interested in my injury, so I took responsibility into my own “hands”, (so to speak, lol ) and left work, went to an urgent care where I had to fill out paper work with a hand that was severely disabled to write with. While I was taken into the back to get looked at by the doctor, I felt a strange sense of safety and comfort, while at the same time, my current ability to handle pain from the stitches that the doctor was about to administer was VERY LOW! I was SO overwhelmed by everything that the doctor could tell that I wasn’t in a place where I could handle these stitches while sitting up straight. So, he told me to lay down and to avert my eyes… the pain was excruciating!! Though there was a thankfulness for being taken care of!! As though I knew, some how – I don’t know how – that I was safe in this place!! It was enormously comforting, even though the pain of the stitching was causing me to take the pain in “A very personal way”. Meaning, that when I was poked, it was as though I was thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world, and when that needle pierced through me again, I gave out a muffled cry of pain for the pain of those in this world!

About 7 days later, about the 31st or the 1st of August, I went back to this urgent care to get the stitches removed. I had the same doctor, and once again, I needed to lay down and avert my eyes. The pain from the removal of the stitches was almost of a similar level of pain as that of the application of the stitches! He used a pair of tweezers and scissors. He used the scissors to cut the loops of the stitches and then used the tweezers to slip the stitches out of my fingers. Though it felt like he was pulling these stitches out with all of his might with the tweezers without ever cutting the loops!!! Then after the removal, I’m heading out of the urgent care while heading back to get in the truck – even before I make it back in, I receive a text. I get in the truck first before reading. . . . . . . What I was about to read next left me in tears!!

When I was with my therapist last week, we were discussing how much I cleverly cover or bury my feelings, thoughts, etc, after barely acknowledging them – in other words, I wouldn’t truly acknowledge them. And even while we were in our session, He would have to keep “taking command” to make sure that I wouldn’t deviate from this process of trying to uncover the core of the feelings or the thoughts that we were concentrating on at the time. In some form of “unwillingness” I would evade the questions that he would try to ask me about that certain something at the time… or I would answer the question with a question, or offer an opinion instead. I’d constantly ask for clarification in the question. Though the questions were usually quite simple and straight-forth. Though, I honestly was confused immensely by his questions. I believe in part because I’d look at the question and analyse the question to its core, trying to find a “deeper meaning behind the question”. <—- Over-Intellectualizing Type (A form of hiding from authority, adulthood, our Good and “bad” selves – used by John Townsend in his book “Hiding From Love” )

Anywho, one of the ways that my therapist gave me a way to look at and think about whenever I’d start feeling really bad, or if I would start to notice something wasn’t quite right, He referred me to the “ABCD’s of the 4 aspects of an emotion” (At least that’s what a website I found referred to it as)

“B” : Belief (this can be a one-word statement that’s in regards to the Activating Event)

“C” : Consequential Feeling ( The feeling(s) that you experience in response to your “Belief System” bases on how you respond to the Activating event. Though the feelings are the result of the “Belief”, ( The thought(s) that you’re experiencing and the result from those )

“D” : Decisive Behavior ( a behavior that you exhibit that “gives shape” to your feeling(s)

I don’t know about others that happen to struggle with Crossdressing, Transgenderism, Gender Confusion… or even homosexuality… well, let me make it a more open field for others: Anyone who struggles with their identity – whether you may consider it sexual or gender or whatever… Anywho, when anyone in the above condition, have you ever experienced a total overload of feeling, thoughts, words, imagery? To get more precise, where when you sense that you’re compelled to keep yourself accountable – to God ultimately – but you also feel compelled to expose this with someone safe and who can keep you accountable about your struggles, but. . . . you have more thoughts, feeling, words, imagery and multiple, separate occurrence of all of the above, that when you try to let someone else know about these things you’ve had in your head, you cannot get it out!!

You’re truly overloaded and you cannot even get even one single occurrence with one complete thought from your head and out of your mouth!!

I hope someone understood this post. I apologize for the run-on sentences. But does anyone else understand this?? I’m truly confused about this!

before you read this, know that this posting is extremely “graphic” in detail, NOT suitable for Children and no-less for many adults! It’s NOT perversion at its worst! It’s NOT pornography! It contains many thoughts and feelings that I’ve experienced in my life when I’ve – very unfortunately – indulged in things that I was never mean to!

Today(The 21st of May) was another “ordinary day” in the life of mine. This one in particular was one of my days off from work. I woke up at 8:00am. Got a little breakfast to eat, and decided to chance the oil in my car before I headed about an hour away from my house to see my therapist. So, I get in my not-so-attractive clothing to get in my vehicle and drive it around in the neighbor to warm her up for changing the oil.

As I’m driving down the side street of my house – I have to do this to reach my drive way, my drive way is in an alley behind the house. Anywho, I head down the side street, and right away I notice a bunch of transparent blue stuff in the middle of the road!! I was like: “what kind of sick low-life would dump their junk in the middle of the road!? How dare you?!” I was partly annoyed about this because it looked like glass, and I knew the chances of getting a puncture in at least one of my tires was a definite possibility!! So. . . I know I cannot avoid driving over it, I’m right in front of it! So I ease my way around it as much as possible. It looks like I’m ok. And then I make my turn right away from there into my alley, and I see more of it!! Aaaugh!! And it happens to be RIGHT before I turn into my driveway. So I’m pissed all-the-more. But I decide to slip it out of 1st and just let the vehicle coast backward, and I”ll make the “long-cut” drive around to the other end of the alley and enter that way. So, after a minute or two I’m in my driveway. After I’m out of my car, I take a closer look and realize… “Ah, it’s plastic!” So, I tried to let that energy consumed in my internalized anger out through a sigh of relief and thanking God through prayer for it not being what it could have been.

So, I do the oil change. No biggie, I’m done in about 45 mins. But as I’m done and ready to head back into the house, I decide to clear the “wreckage” left by another out of the way of the alley. So I head over to this load of broken up, transparent blue plastic that someone had obviously broken it intentionally, and didn’t seem to mind allowing it to fly all over the place…. Now, I could go into more detail of this part alone, which I’ve already covered a fair portion of it anyway… but I’m going to drop it now.

So, as I was saying, I clear this mess… and there I see what brought on feelings that made my mind race with excitement!! RED FLAG!! what I saw mixed with the plastic were several pairs of female heels – mainly open toe and ankle heels ( glorified sandals or flip-flops, basically ). Ok, stilettos !!!

And then I look over to my left, and then I see it ALL!! . . . mounds and mounds of completely unorganized garbage – it literally looked like someone had through out an apartment-sized amount of possession!! (This unfortunately isn’t all that uncommon in the area I live in – it’s an area that’s overflowing with a large population of white-trash individuals.) So, yes, I look to my left and there’s two queen-sized mattresses that are leaning up against a structure that’s adjacent to my driveway. But included in all of this – and it was brutally obvious: these were all female possessions: along with clothing and other female accessories, decor, furniture, curtains, and many other fun, frilly, typically-feminine possessions… and shockingly, some of the stuff was expensive, name-brand things! Also, a lot of it was still seemingly in decent, salvagible shape!

The first thought when I realized what I had stumbled across was, “Don’t go any further. Turn around, . . . and LET IT GO. . . Almost immediately, I disregarded this internal voicing. I started to walk closer toward it. And immediately I chose to look at all there was “to offer”. I took it all in. I wanted to see all of the cute decorative items. Everything that would identify typically as possessions pertaining to a woman. The second thing that caught my eye were the stillettos I mentioned earlier… yes, they were cute! Agonizingly-cute! Then I saw it: clothing, you guessed it right!!

I was now looking at a couple of pairs of female jeans, and the thought of how a female was once in these things, brought many unnecessary thoughts to think on and all-the-more to quiver about! Thoughts of jealousy, anger… but more specifically, envy, contempt!

By now my attention is drawn to another article of clothing… and this one thought was seriously about “Snatching” it. It was relatively early in the morning, and from my view, there wasn’t anyone around to “catch me”. What I saw was a cute, purple, knitted sweater with a cable-knit pattern to it – though I never got close enough to examine it to verify this. But I was certainly hoping it was!! Again, this particular item also looked like it was in decent shape and that it wasn’t really that dirty either… more thoughts forming!! Another item that probably made as much of an impression as the purple sweater was a purse bag. It was small, cute and COLORFUL and shiny from it’s “glitteryness”!

By now, I was in a mall, all my own! It was “free”! It was alone; no body could see me! In a way it was better than being at a mall, because it was all “free”, and I could fill myself to my heart’s content – not that it’d ever be content with it.

I even picked up a piece of decorative cloth that looked like a skirt at first – and though it wasn’t, it was still cute to me.

So, now there was a choice to be made, whether it was good or bad, right or wrong, it was going to be made. Either I say “No” to it all and continue down the path that Christ has already laid for me, or I can jump head-deep into my own world of isolation, fear, terror, selfishness, disconnection from those that cherish me and that I love… though most of all, I’d be letting myself and ultimately my Saviour down!

Though, thankfully, God provided a couple of things to help me to not snatch something that wasn’t mine to have. And I’m not saying this because “It’s strictly a ‘feminine’ item, so you cannot have something that’s decorative too, or with some decorative thought and style behind it!” No, it’s not that! I know that(at the very least) right now, for the time being in my life, these kinds of things are things that can lead to “Acting out”. And it’s not because these inanimate objects are necessarily ALL “female only!” or that they are “sinful and bad things”! It’s not about that. These particular types of things have an effect upon my heart, my mind – my thought processing and feelings – that will ultimately lead me down a VERY dangerous path! These aren’t things for me to occupy in my physical possession, in my mind, my feelings, my eyesight! Which will ultimately have its effect upon my heart!! These sorts of items are a portal through which my sinful and old parts of my heart will try to get me to do that which I don’t want to do – even though I AM still easily aroused and tempted by these things!!

I didn’t finish what I had started in my last paragraph about how God provided me with certain things to help aid me in letting it go. One, getting back to the stillettos; the ones that I cleared from my alley. Well, one thing that gave me some positive thoughts to hopefully replace the “Stinking Thinking” thoughts: along side the stillettos were a couple of used tampons!! Gross, right?! Well, this automatically led me to thinking about how potentially infected with disease these items were! Whether through anything sexually-transmitted, to the fact that these things came from a home that I didn’t know, that could have been extremely filthy. And, these things were sitting outside! They probably had a bunch of wild animals and insects running through this stuff collecting God-only-knows-what!” (Sad sidenote: Even though this is gross thinking about it, I will admit, that even though used, dirty, tampons are gross. I own to the fact that without God’s restraining Grace, I can go so deep into perversion over this where the thought of handling a used tampon that a female has used can even cause thoughts and imagery that can lead to “Acting out”. Is it gross and perverted? YES!! But that’s what I believe is a decent description of how truly and TOTALLY LOST we are in our “old” ways without Christ!

But I think that probably the biggest thing that God “put in my way” to help me to resist was that prior to changing the oil and finding the feminine objects, I was consumed in fear and trying to control how the day would play out. I knew that I had a limited amount of time before leaving for my therapist for our weekly session – which is one thing where my control doesn’t want to let up on the possibility of being late to that!

It’s now a week since the “48 hours” experience I had. And since then I have been going in a downward spiral of confusion, questioning, fear, doubting of whether this is really true! I cannot even begin to mention or even describe in detail – at least for the moment all of the details. But I’ve been becoming fairly distant in my “connection” with God (at least my perceived connection). It’s been hard, to put it mildly. And the longer time goes by, it seems like it really isn’t “all it was meant to be” , or could be!

I believe part of my confusion is due to when things “don’t seem” like they’re in control – that situations are not predictable (Un-scary), then I believe that I have been going into my own ritual of trying to “take hold of the rope” when it seems like it’s going to fall to the ground where it will be left to be “unattended”. . . what I’m trying to lead up to is that, I believe that I’ve been somehow trying to desperately, subconsciously, trying to keep a “lid” on a can of worms that will lead to disaster if exposed…. in english: ) . . . I’m trying to keep my “badness”, whether truly sinful or perceived as bad, concealed AT ALL COSTS! I’m terrified of making mistakes, even when they’re “innocent”. I’m trying to live up to some ridiculous expectation of perfection! Ridiculous? Yes!! But slowing down fast enough to get that through to myself is the hardest thing. . . I don’t know. . .

I don’t know at the moment, but earlier in the week I did give into “acting out” on differing thoughts and feelings spiraling through me… and I KNEW, deep down, that THIS WAS IT. I HAD TO STAND UP and FIGHT with Jesus beside me. . . but the mere anticipation of the act was enough for me to say, “God, I’ll just do this really quick and then I’ll be right back to your side”. LIE!!!

But I wonder – and this is simply pondering this in a relatively irrational state – whether if one of the underlying reasons for my tremendous confusion and a sort of “inability” to accept God, and pick up His Word and Fight again is due to trying to suppress for SO LONG HOW truly depraved my “natural self” is – and the severity! I think I may be caught up in a “all good, or nothing” sort of patterns – a definite cycle-producing thing!

For now I must leave, but I leave you with these lyrics from a song that really well describes what I’ve been going through. I really would like to thank Icon For Hire for their amazing song: Get Well

“We throw tantrums like parties
We’re not happy ’til everyone knows we’re sick
And that’s just how we like it
We’ve hurt bad enough, right, we’ve earned it

Don’t tell the others but it’s all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital

So now you know all my secrets
I want out, I know I don’t need this
Can you find me friends that don’t rank me on what I’ve been through
The more battle scars the more attention it gets you

Don’t tell the others but it’s all getting old
I mean how many more times must our stories be told?
And being lonely’s only fun in a group
It sort of loses it’s charm when it’s true

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital

Yeah we should’ve known it would end this way
What did you expect, pretend it all away
And all we’ve got left is a sorry pile of hearts
I’m getting out, gonna write myself a new start
Come on, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side
Run as fast as you can and we’ll make it out alive
We know better now, we don’t have to live like this
Go tell them all we don’t have to live like this

I meant it when I said I wanna get well

I meant it when I said I wanna get well, I wanna get well
Are the rest of you so content
Stay where you are but it hurts like hell
And I’m sure it’s fun at first
Test your pulse and check your vitals
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital
If it’s only a game you lost me
I quit it with the suicidal recital”