Archives for :
January2006

I received a comment on my “Where’s the Bartender” post. The first thing I thought was… “Oh God, there’s something wrong with me“. Which then followed by appreciation that someone was concerned. I just thought that was weird that I would automatically think that.. something being wrong with me. So for the person that left the comment.. don’t worry I’m still appreciative. I also assure you that I’ve seen way to much to want to go down that road. My son is way to important to allow him to live the life I’ve seen.

My biological father is an alchoholic/drug abuser… thinking about him sharing at least half of my DNA makes me feel violated. I am special enough to have come from someone greater than he… if the person greater than he were simply a man who loved his family and could only give them that… would be much better than where I did come from. Everytime I think of the person who is technically my dad I feel raped all over again. I’m very uncomfortable around him. I choose not to see him because of that feeling.. I choose not to allow my child to see him because of that as well…

I’ve been scared to death since I can remember of not being a totally perfect human being that any sort of flaw in myself is devistating… I am so scared of making a mistake that when I do I have extreme anxiety to the point of where I get nausea and diarrhea I get migraine’s and then I am so let down by myself I am depressed for days to weeks afterwards. By the time I’ve gotten over the depression/anxiety I’ve made another mistake….

I find myself sharing these mistakes with others in order to find someone who will say “Oh, It’s alright, I do that all the time” just to build the confidence in myself that it’s ok to be less than perfect. I’ve found myself pushing the limit line in order to prove to someone I CAN do it perfect and without failure.. Maybe that’s why I ended up so sick. I was bound and determined to go back to school.. work 45 to 60 hours a week and still be super mom. I was getting 4 hours of sleep a day (sometimes) and eating Mcdonald’s just to prove to others that I was able to better myself.

When Harley was just a baby I was so freaked out at the thought of someone mentioning that I might be less than a perfect mother that whenever he would open his eyes I would already be at his bedside. I never would hear him cry during the night to be fed.. I would be there with milk in tow before he even knew he was hungry. I love Harley. If I were normal I would still be the best mom for him. Just because I love him. It’s just that I didn’t get to enjoy being his mother until he got older because I was going through the motions like a robot. I was doing what I thought the perfect mother would do and I didn’t learn anything the hard way… I am still able to be a very good mother for Harley…

When my sister would let me babysit her babies.. or my brother his first daughter.. they would all say… Oh she has a son.. she knows how to take care of babies… I felt like I had never even held a baby before. Like it was all new to me. I was so concerned about what everyone would say about my mothering skills.. that I was never emotionally involved with Harley’s day to day routine until he was at least a year old. I loved him… with all of my being…. but when it came to being his care taker in the first part of his life.. I was robotic. I took extremely very good care of him.. but it was like I wasn’t even there…

That’s so sad.. I now feel like I’ve let him down.. It’s like you can’t beat the game no matter what you do.

Even if I were perfect I would have imperfections because of my perfections…

Being perfect I would either no longer be not perfect like everyone else and then I would be imperfect…

Harley is 7 1/2 years old. He has been studying Martin Luther King JR at school. He wanted to write a speech.

Here it is…

I will pay the poor people. I will make all people in the world equal. I Harley ********* will protect the world from danger. I Harley ********* will take off all the white only Sign’s. I might go to Washington someday. I will do my destiny I’ll try.