Abe Linkum cordially invites the remaining twenty-seven percent of Americans still lapping up the Middle Eastern course dished out by BushCo without finishing off the entire stock of bromides to retrace Dick Cheney's recent historic steps through Pak-Afghanistan by taking an exciting, Fantasy Talibani Recon Weekend!

It's here where you'll finally, after all of that pent up deferment, experience the thrills of actual military reconnaissance after we first provide you with an excellent breakfast and then as a high-level target to crazed tribesmen by air-dropping you into the Khyber Pass in a T-shirt that says Moo-ham-ed Can Go Eat Qud!. Our technique allows you to one-up the VeePee since you'll flush out Talibani faster than Dick would a Texas lawyer in the wilds of Wyoming.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

After allegedly admitting to proclivities for underaged female tight-ends, Akron Buchtel High School football coach, Claude Brown, will now serve administrative leave -- paid, no doubt -- where he can continue with recruitment efforts.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

How increasingly isolated our president must be to exhibit the recent spate of delusional behaviors eminating from his high seat somewhere in a bunker built lower than the one just built to house his stool. George the Grand, giving the U.S. grand mal siezures by his processes and deliverences since 2001.

Rudy Giuliani must have really set off Bush's penchant for princely permutations when he compared the President to Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter. First of all, clearin' Texas tumbleweeds ain't splittin' rails in In-dee-an-ee -- or Kentucky or Illinois, for that matter.

Heck, some Lincoln cabinet members even referred to Abe as "the original ape". Maybe we need to think of Bush as 'the original chimp'.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Demonstrating that she's on top of the big problems facing Ohio with the fresh, young perspective expected after her highly anticipated, bought-and-paid-for senatorial debut, State Senator Capri Cafaro said she's "not comfortable" discussing specifics on the matter of school funding but offered a suggestion to curtail Medicaid funding, some no doubt to Trumbull County senior citizens who were previously under Cafaro's advisement, to help defray the cost of babysitting Ohio's schoolkids.

In the same press release, Sen. Cafaro did seem to be more in her element when she expressed an aptitude for handling Trumbell and Ashtabula County septic system issues. Be assured that Abe Linkum will keep all informed as to how it all comes out.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Americans are making this Presidents Day a real gas. Pennsylvania's pikes were left a parking lot after snowy smash-ups. Per course, the Daytona 500 Auto Jam ends up in another, with an unusual fiery flip-side for one lucky racer who was left to finish not right-side-up. Then there's the pile-up of aircraft carrier groups in the Persian Gulf for security purposes -- oil's and gas', that is.

Lights. Ballast. Action! Welcome to another edition of Cirque de Critique.

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes or rings, if you will: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All.

With all of that lard clogging things up, Mr. Chapman's salad days may soon be over.

LolaLondon presents 12. A Rose by Any Other Name posted at L'undone, saying, "Here is a tale of high-weirdness, big love, cyber-crime and the mutual insane obsession of two people that never even met. This blog is the true story of how it happened."

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Last Bush Neuron Saved by Stem Cell Funds!

In a frantic effort to save the last withering neuron last seen floating somewhere in a cavity where the Commander-in-Chief's pons used to reside, Karl Rove, given the legal go-ahead by Generalisimo Gonzalez through a flimsy signing statement fully endorsed by dead-ending supporters, established a top secret Pentagon account -- hidden, always hidden from his social conservative base -- to fund emergency embryonic stem cell research focused to attain the specific therapeutic benefits for Bush's neuron.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Operating in a universe unknown -- possibly parallel but at the same time far, far away -- Rudy Giuliani, in a bid to court GOP conservatives to his chiefly cause by demonstrating delusional thoughts similar to those attending Sunday charismatic services as well as in Pat Robertson's daily TV Jesus briefing, compared Bush's Iraq Wars vision and predicament to those faced by Abraham Lincoln during America's Civil War. His delusions occured at New Hamphire's last standing GOP meeting hall.

A little scrutiny and honor's in order when one so easily throws Honest Abe's hat in with George Bush's. Let's detail the similarities or parallels, if you will, between the two great commanders and uniters:

One was integral in the formation of the GOP with the other presiding over its destruction.

One led troops in The Blackhawk War, the other in Blackhawk Down.

One is so incredibly removed from the people, bunkered down below in the bowels of D.C. with the vice-commander, telling those who disagree with him to go eff themselves while trying to brew the right bromide to keep America's stomach from vomiting in projectile fashion when they view Iraq's carcass and Iran's soon-to-be blood-stained carpets.. The other kept an open office to all citizens, both humble and powerful alike, and frequently stated his deepest desire to continue this practice to those near that tried to persuade him otherwise.

One waged war once attacked. The other continues to decide to be the attacker for the sake of waging war.

One came from legendary humble beginnings and was completely self-made. From an early age he was given increasing responsibilities to reward his trustworthiness and fair dealings. The other's daddy was the CIA's director, then President and easily placed his son in various positions of power -- where the son failed in all such placements and responsibilities.

Then there's that "Honest" moniker to contend with.

There is one, true similarity between the two Presidents that Giuliani should have shed light on in order for his analogy to fit at all: Both Presidents had miserable, unpopular drunks for Veeps.

Friday, February 09, 2007

After hacking away at too much of everything -- lives, treasures, time, strategic advantage, good-will, etc. -- George Bush has finally reached his first benchmark in the war on terrorism. He can now claim that the Green Zone is secure. Huzzah!

Because of this long-awaited achievement, the City of Baghdad will present to George a backdoor key to Sadr City! This will fit nicely into the lock to the small closet he and his advisers huddle in to make sure his legacy leaves as a 'victory war President'.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Cafaro Stars in "Lady of the Knights of Lordstown Big Labor"!

Beep, beep. I'm in a rush to buy tickets to newly minted and appointed, State Sen. Capri "Cappi" Cafaro's production of auto industry state giveaways. Her rookie stage act looks to further clean out the hemorrhagic American auto industry of any remaining competitiveness, at least in her district, by asking that the state look the other way as GM reneges on a $36.6 million credit commitment to Ohio's lawyer-beleaguered Bureau of Workers Compostation.

The theory behind the giveaway seems that Ohio's forgiveness of GM's obligation to back self-insured injury claims would go far to help Ohioans forget that future claims aren't the real reason for GM's slide, and that fiscal throw-aways to irresponsible auto corporations apparently provides the desired placebo effect for Ohio's auto workers as thoughts of Lordstown plant closure race and pain from real injuries ache -- just like in Lorain. Go ahead, rub it in.

This should not surpise any one. In the past couple of years -- and as Cappi was traipsing about Ohio in search of a temporary home to lay her carpeted bags a spell, finally landing with a thud somewhere in Lorain County with a smashing defeat at the hands of her Democratic primary opponent, Betty Sutton -- Ohioans were treated to a number of peculiar, half-hour political adse starring Cappi and some bad actors from Lorain and Youngstown that were obviously paid minimum union wages. The ad was for 'the future of families' or some other such nonsense and was all very cheesy with a queue of 'townsmen' with satiny, Local 5842 jackets at the mike to fire pre-programmed queries at Cappi to start her renditions of pre-programmed responses.

It was all very bad and surely led to her appointment to Ohio's state senate. It also seemingly makes Cappi a great candidate for the US Senate since, as the current Ohio Democratic propaganda states, Cappi's not influenced by laborious interest groups due to her heiriness. She's a rich, young, up-n-comer who can't be bought!

She has made it. For me, I'm going across county lines to the mattress sale at her daddy's Youngstown mall since there's a big surplus from nobody buyin'. No jobs.

Even though oil profits are insanely grotesque but still within palatability for sake of our insatiaty, and that Hillary Clinton yearns to nationalize American oil companies in the visage of her fellow socialitic, Boss Hugo Chavez, while never minding just for old times -- will she have the mangos to also sieze Chavez' Citgo profits stolen everyday at American gas pumps, many in inner-city areas, at rates equaling or exceeding Exxon's, to feed Baby Hugo's budding Megalo-MiniMart of Marxian proportions? Or hers?

Monday, February 05, 2007

From Pat Tillman til Iraq's recent roto-routers, The Pentagon can't tell a straight story. Why do our vaunted brass act today so cowardly? Can't they stand up like men and take consequences or heat? Maybe it's that they've been operating from too long of range for too long of time and that all taken Bush's oath of fealty.

This latest admission by the military that insurgents in fact can shoot down our helicopters is a rarity of candor issueing within The Pentagon and deals mainly with materiel and micro-tactics. Knowing this administration and its over all lackeyness, it'll be its last.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

George Bush's leading the three-ringed, bracket-buster Battleship tournament happening early in this edition of Cirque de Critique and in the Persian Gulf! A strategic error concerning placement of his PT boat behind the cruiser in the second round might spell disaster for not only the good Bush name, but for those named American.

Lights. Ballast. Action!

Cir de Cri's the big blog carnival tent that takes all as long as those taken take on others trying to take them. If you'd like to submit your critical posts in a future edition, please do so right below:

Cirque's looking for future hosts, too. Become a ringmaster! Contact The Hippo right here and ask.

Each act of Cir de Cri has three scenes and/or rings: All-for-Free, For-All-Free, and the vaunted Free-for-All. This edition's focus is on the free-for-all and a bit on the family.

Free-for-All

Cir de Cri's house counselor, Linda Freedman, reminds us not to get caught in a paradoxic box since that could lead to hazards to one's mental health -- at least from the inside, not out at The Paradox posted at Everyone needs therapy? Lessons from a family therapist, saying, "For some people, a good therapeutic paradox zips over their heads. They miss the intervention and don't make any changes. (Imagine that.) Others, however, see the sublime simplicity and irresistibly, succombe."

Standing in for our fat, singing lady to end this edition as a kind of oleo out-caller, Craig Harper presents Politically Correct Crap. posted at Renovate your life with Craig, saying, "Recently I was giving one of my motivational talks and I used the expression, 'fat bloke'.

Following the presentation a woman approached me to let me know that I had offended her with my 'language'. When she told me that 'fat' was the offensive word, I nearly fell down.

I said: "1. he was a bloke and 2. he was fat....what's offensive?"

Then she really hated me."

Mr. Harper adds that "I'm sick of people creating new labels for fat in order to make us feel better ...." Okay, then how about 'Glycerated Guy'. Maybe 'Lipidal Lad' or just 'Lipidnic' for short. Sorry, I'm just trying to move the discussion floorward.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

With two short years left in his enfeebled presidency, George Bush has decided that he will "sprint to the finish" in order to finish off what's left of U.S. treasures. No one knows what his "finish" will be. Is it another line out of his terrorist playbook? Or, could it possibly be some secret, hidden tape of him and Condi sneaking a quickie in his underground bunker?

Some things are certain as Bush attempts to kick it up a notch. For one, our constitution will be assaulted further as he tries to grab more wartime, dictatorial powers ginned up by his actions in the Middle East. But this will probably lead to Bush's pulling up lame somewhere around the thirty-meter mark during his race to imperial glory. A big tumble should follow due to subsequent knee-jerking from crashing into too many hurdles. Then there's always the cinder rash from the burn part of crash-and-burn.