THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

CHEESE WITH FRUIT IN IT

As the festive season approaches, the likelihood of coming into contact with befruited cheese increases. It is far from improbable that, at some point over the next few weeks, you will encounter the monstrosity, the aberration that is Wensleydale with cranberry, or Stilton with apricot, or Caerphilly with raspberry, or Cornish Yarg with fucking starfruit, or what have you. And let it be known in no uncertain terms that AFB does not approve.

This is about so much more than cheese and fruit. Sure, the pairing of any cheese with any fruit in the same entity (not in the same dish necessarily; brie and cranberry sandwiches are perfectly acceptable so long as the cranberry does not constitute part of the brie) is a concoction which defies logic, geometry and theology, but this is almost beside the point. The issue here is what the said agglomeration represents, what it signifies, what it stands for.AFB isn’t exactly sure what it represents, but it is almost certainly something bad.

The kind of people who eat cheese with fruit in it are probably the kind of cretins that go to see movies for the special effects. This statement strikes me as so obvious and profound that I am not going to substantiate it.