Ideally, I'd have published this piece before the
One Love concert to give people 'advice' and 'warning.' I believe, though,
that for up to a month after a trauma; there's no space in a person's
head to take such information in. There's not enough room to accept more
information when this experience this trauma; has consumed your entire
life. Every minute seems to be about it. Every conversation. Every phone call.
Every appointment.

I understand the worry though, of 'getting' to
survivors as soon as possible avoid, or minimise, any psychological
deterioration and impact on mental health. Which is why I spoke with
Greater Manchester Mental Health NHS Foundation Trust within days of the terror
attack; and instantly published the infographics for those affected by the
attack. Then, less than a month later, I'm here writing this...

From my own experience, I can understand the need
for this balance... Because of my avoidance to accept the trauma I had gone
through, and my refusal to report it to anyone; I couldn't be offered any
support. I couldn't be given any advice. I isolated myself. No one
had to 'try and get the balance right'; because they didn't even know that they
needed to. Because of this, I was left to my own devices - free to come up with
my own coping strategies.

In the two years; following the - physical
- end of my trauma; I tried to cope with my thoughts, feelings, and
memories; by drinking alcohol and putting myself into dangerous situations,

starving myself and over-exercising, and then
rebelling at school. When it felt like nothing was working, and everything was
just swimming around my head - around my body; filling me
up so much that in the end; I thought that dying would be the only way to empty
all of that. To be relieved of it.

My point?

It's ok to feel like this has taken over your
life. Ok to feel like it is everything. And ok to want a life without that.
To want your life back from before that.

It's ok to think that the only way you can
control this is by bottling things up. But that will only work for so long;
your head - your body - only has room for so much before it gets full. And
eventually the pressure means that something's got to give.

It's ok to feel like you need someone
to help you empty things; and it's ok to feel embarrassed at the thought of
asking for help. After a while of thinking you're doing the right thing for
yourself and becoming convinced that it is the right thing, it's only 'normal'
to feel reluctant to acknowledge that this no longer the right thing. But it is
so important that you understand that it hasn't been
the wrong thing for all of this time. You haven't been stupid. You shouldn't wish
that you'd done what someone else advised.

You did what you thought was best for you. And
that's all any of us can do in life; but it takes bravery and courage to admit
when it's no longer what is best, and to ask for help in trying to find out
what is.