Rich people’s bodies are polluted with different, more expensive toxins

Oh sure, the modern world guarantees that our bodies are little more than Tupperwares filled with poison. But you don’t really expect the rich to have the same toxins as you and me, do you? Plebeian toxins? Perish the thought. No, rich people harbor a higher class of contaminants, ones they pick up from eating seafood and lounging on the beach.

According to researchers at the University of Exeter, relying on data from the U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, poor people are more likely to have high levels of cadmium, lead, and BPA — stuff they picked up from smoking and eating canned food. The rich, meanwhile, were full of mercury, arsenic, cesium, and thallium from their fancy fish and shellfish, and oxybenzone from the sunscreen they slather on for golf games, visits to the private beach, and cocktails on the yacht.

In short: Even in the arena of being horribly poisoned to death, rich people still have it better. Hooray, the system works!