IDS to roam the country righting wrongs

by philapilus

“And every stop I make, I make a new friend. Can’t stay for long, just turn around, and I’m gone again. Maaybeeee tomorrrrroooowwww….”

Iain Duncan Smith has said that his resignation from cabinet is motivated by a wish “finally to fulfil my longheld dream of being a peripatetic do-gooder; helping the needy and giving company to the lonely. A modern-day Littlest Hobo, if you will.”

Speaking to Andrew Marr, the former work and pensions secretary said he was “tired of fighting against the Conservative party to get them to do the right thing.

“I only ever joined because I thought I could fix the broken political apparatus from within, and thereby to bring love and understanding to our nation.

“But it seems that the machinations of the Westminster world can’t be beaten. I am just going to have to roll up my sleeves and spread the love the old-fashioned way – roaming the lanes and highways, righting wrongs, splinting the sprained limbs of small creatures with lollipop sticks, and doing the ironing for OAPs before disappearing into the night, like a ninja. But a kind one.”

Andrew Marr put it to him that the resignation felt more like a politically motivated one, and suggested that Duncan Smith was not fooling anyone by pretending he suddenly cared about disabilities.

“After all,” said Marr “baldly claiming you have no interest in political ambition is a bit fucking rich. It wasn’t so long ago that you were leading the Conservative party. Do you remember that? Remember the whole ‘Quiet Man’ thing? What was it you said; ‘the quiet man is here to stay and he’s turning up the volume?’

“Remember that?”

At which point Mr Duncan Smith howled with fury, leapt on to Marr’s chest, and made a spirited attempt to bite off his nose.