"And if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

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I was counting down the minutes until 4:00 when I was off work today when I got a text from my mom. She began with “Hey Allie,” and I knew she was either mad at me or something was wrong. She told me my sister had gone to the mall earlier with a friend and that there was a shooter. There was no suspect in custody and my sister’s phone was on low battery. I barely made it through the text without feeling something I have only felt a handful of times in my life. Panic. And even though my mom said she was probably going to be fine, my hands were shaking and my eyes were filling with tears.

I don’t think about losing loved ones very often because I don’t let myself. When those thoughts bombard your mind, feelings also force their way in that we try to avoid, too. The panic never completely settled, but that emotion was quickly replaced with anger. Not even a minute later I was pacing around my office asking myself why gun control is STILL even a question in this country.

If you don’t like what you’re reading and find yourself arguing with me already, I kindly ask that you close this window and move on with your day.

Of the countless shootings over the last several years, some have hit a little too close to home. There was the Charleston Church Massacre, that took place literally 5 miles from my house. My city is still grieving and healing from that one. The Orlando Night Club shooting happened miles from where my best friend lives. Thank God she happened to be safe with me in Charleston that night. And yet, those sobering events pale in comparison to what it feels like to actually have a sibling inside a building where an active shooter is. Every shooting makes me angrier and angrier, to hear people still vying for gun rights because they don’t want a privilege taken away.

We’re so privileged here in America, aren’t we? We can say whatever we want, buy whatever we want, shoot whoever we want, and everyone just turns their head. If you’re lucky, when you shoot up a building you get a ton of publicity and even a little bio in all the newspapers before they send you to prison. We’re so worried about Mexicans finding new homes here, but not so much about innocent people’s lives being taken on a regular basis.

I love hearing gun control arguments, because they always sound like a five-year-old arguing with their mom about why they should be able to eat cake for breakfast.
“OH YEA? Well…saying that guns kill people is like saying that forks make people fat.” That’s right, good job. Oh, except that typically people feed themselves…so this comparison would only work if we were referring to a form of torture where a human is force-fed until they die. They don’t want that fork full of food, or a gun full of bullets, someone ELSE is deciding their fate. When you put food in your mouth, that’s your decision.

How ’bout this one, “NOT UH! You can’t take away my constitutional rights! I am ENTITLED to a gun!” Nothing entitles you to a weapon. Just because I am “entitled” to an hour-long lunch break every day doesn’t mean that I deserve it or that I should take it. Just like how you don’t deserve to carry a glock into a mall or movie theater just because a centuries-old document said you could defend yourself. The constitution was written over two hundred years ago when mass shootings weren’t increasing with time. (Check out the data here. Numbers don’t lie.) People get so butt-hurt about this, and it’s because they’re SELFISH. I want a gun. I deserve it. I need to defend myself. It’s my right. Guess what, this isn’t about you! You’re not the mass murderer! This is about taking guns away from crazy people so they don’t kill our families. Get it?

And my favorite one, “OYEAHWELL! If you ban guns people will still find ways to get them, just like drugs.” Also true. But don’t you think that if guns were illegal, and Joe Shmoe couldn’t go to the store and buy one, and then take it with him wherever he goes, that there would be less mass shootings? Kind of like how drugs are pretty hard to find, unless you’re sketchy and addicted and are willing to go the distance to find them, guns would be pretty hard to find if they were also illegal. Sure, some people would still have them, illegally. But this article says that majority of guns used in mass shootings are LEGALLY purchased. In fact, over three times the number of illegally obtained guns. That’s hundreds of lives that could have been saved had that person not been able to legally purchase a gun.

Point being, any logical person should see that as our country grows and changes over the years, maybe our rules should, too. And maybe you won’t understand that until it’s YOUR sister, or YOUR daughter, or son, or whoever, who’s trapped in a dressing room in a mall with an active shooter on the loose. Maybe then along with all the terrible thoughts and feelings that surface, your brain will start working, too.

My sister is safe, and no one was injured at the mall today. I am so thankful this won’t be part of the statistics. But it’s time things change.

My eyes were closed and I was leaning so far over in my seat I was almost falling out. We were finally free, heading west away from everything and everyone we knew. I couldn’t see where we were going, and I didn’t care, I trusted him. He had chosen a life with me after all this time.

I kept my eyes closed and my face as close to his as I could get, my elbows on his armrest. My eyes would flutter open here and there just enough to get a glimpse of his face right before he kissed me again. I felt blissfully and completely happy. Him, us, the unknown future consumed every ounce of my being.

I would wait, eyes closed, with my nose brushing his cheek, and every few seconds he would turn away from the wheel and kiss me, almost for too long.

I giggled and said, “Are you even watching where you’re going?”

He smiled, “It doesn’t matter, we’re already here.” He threw the old, white minivan in park, and before I could snap out of my hypnosis he was out the door and in the driveway. My consciousness acknowledging reality like a light switch, I looked down and noticed I was completely naked. He had opened the back door on the driver’s side of the van, and I scrambled to hide behind the bucket seat on the second row and at the same time find my clothes.

As if in slow motion, I looked to the driveway and processed what I saw. There he stood, just behind his wife, their two children on either side of them. They all looked genuinely confused, except for him. He wore a smug, slight grin on his face as if to say, “Gotcha bitch.”

Hysterical, as I began to cry I yelled, “What the hell is going on?! What are you doing?!”

I managed to get my pants on while my panic quickly turned to anger. I hopped out of the minivan, topless, clutching my tank top. I stomped up to him, “I can’t believe you would do this to me! You are the biggest piece of sh*t I’ve ever met!”

He backed away a few steps but I kept yelling as I put my shirt on, “You are a terrible person, you filthy liar!” I stabbed my finger in the air, “your mom and dad are sh*tty people, too, for raising such a f*cking lunatic.” Somehow, I knew that would get to him.

Thankfully I was clothed now, because I couldn’t move. As I stood there, we stared at each other and no one said anything. I realized then that I wasn’t actually angry, I was heartbroken. His expression had changed too, from pompous to ashamed. There was nothing left to do but leave. I turned and walked back to the van.

Here’s to those crazy dreams that happen right before you wake up in the morning.

Thirteen days into the New Year and I’m proud of myself for remembering to pray every night before I fall asleep. Well, almost every night. And sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of the prayer, whoops.

I find myself praying almost every night for God to bring me the man He has planned for me to marry. I know full well I am not ready at this particular moment in time to meet that man, maybe not anytime this year, or even five years. I have no idea what He has in store for me. But I know that God has him in store for me somewhere out there, hopefully praying for me as well.

I have come to notice over the years a pattern, which I’m sure many other women notice in time and either deny it or use it to change. I use my relationships as a form of dependency. I use them for constant attention (physical and mental), someone to run to when life gets hard, a form of temporary happiness no matter how long it might last. But that’s the part I always forget, that type of happiness is always temporary.

Someone once told me that every now and then someone comes along and fills the gaps in your soul that no one else can. Even now, as I lie in bed at night, I am asking for someone to appear to fill those gaps in my soul. Many of us spend the majority of our time and thoughts looking for that one person and thinking about how they will make us feel whole. The one person that can love us unconditionally, knowing everything there is to know about us, even the worst parts, and devote their life to us anyway.What we forget to acknowledge is that God has been loving us unconditionally since before we were even born. He is the One we should be asking to fill those holes inside us.

If you have a minute, go and read Psalm 139. Here’s verses 1-4:

“You have searched me Lord, and You know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise,
You perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down,
You are familiar with all of my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You, Lord, know it completely.”

It’s a lengthy one, so I’ll give you the CliffsNotes version. God knows us better than we can ever know ourselves. And no matter how many rights or what kind of wrongs we commit, He loves us unconditionally. He is the only one who can truly fill those gaps that no one else can.

What a comforting thought, to think that the man of my dreams will just be the cherry on top of the Love I am already receiving. I would say I can’t wait to meet him, but I can.

It is both depressing and exciting that I have had this blog for two years. Mostly depressing, especially since only two posts ago did I talk about New Year’s resolutions, and it’s already that time again. I had some really great advice in that post, if I do say so myself.

I’d like to change the theme of this blog from being a “diet blog.” I hate that it took me until now to realize how lame that sounds. Who wants to read about someone else dieting? I know I don’t. I would much rather the focus of this blog be about my journey of bettering myself. Isn’t that something we can all relate to? I hope that anyone reading this is constantly trying to better themselves, which is also a forever commitment, just like the forever diet (gag).

In the spirit of New Years, yet again this year I said I’m not making any resolutions since my list is always the same. Yesterday I caved and I made a list of 2016 Goals, and ways to accomplish them. Here they are:

Love God.

Love my body.

Love my job.

Really, the first one should be the only one and the rest will follow. The more shit that happens to me the more I find myself leaning on God for support. I should lean on Him no matter what is going on in my life, good or bad, but the bad always pulls me closer to Him and I am thankful for that.

It upset me a little to read my New Years post from last year, as I had successfully forgotten about all the shitty things that happened to me in 2014, since 2015 was worse. You never know what the future will hold, and a lot of crazy things can be packed into one year’s time. But instead of dwelling on the negatives, I want to acknowledge all of the positive things that resulted from 2015. As I said in my post from last year, there’s no such thing as a “New Year New You,” we are all the result of an accumulation of events that affect us. And each event, no matter how shitty, always has some sort of positive side or outcome. If anything, they cause you to grow as a person in some way or another.

In 2015, although my car accident affected me in a number of ways, I ended up healthy and fine. Not being able to drink for a month was a nice detox, and opened my eyes to other problems I needed to address. In February, I went for my property management license, which led to a promotion in March and put me back at my old property that I had missed very much. A slow but gradual downward spiral led to the end of a two-year relationship in September, at which time I turned to my family and friends for support, gaining so much more happiness and fulfillment than I could have expected from those relationships and conversations.

Ironically this new independence; being single and not necessarily looking for a relationship, and also being financially independent, has made me realize just how far I feel from God. When you realize you have to stop relying on other people and situations to make you happy, you find yourself relying on something bigger. This past summer something said in a sermon hit me hard. At the time I was extremely unhappy and couldn’t put my finger on why. The pastor said, “YOU are not in control of your life… Where will you find refuge? Where will you go?” I was so used to turning to my boyfriend at the time, and I knew in my heart that wasn’t forever. I totally freaked, I started crying in church (so embarrassing), and the worst part was I couldn’t identify where the freak out was coming from. Eventually I realized that if I stripped away all the “things” that made up the facade of who I was…my clothes, my job, my friends, family, relationship, reputation… If all those things went away and I had no one left but myself, where would I find refuge? I had no idea, and that simple thought is terrifying.

I’m not afraid of being alone, but I do fear being without God. Empty, purposeless, wandering blindly. This year I will find my path back to God and my true self. That’s got to be the best New Year’s goal I’ve ever come up with.

It’s been a good long while since I’ve written a post and I think it’s about that time!

I’ve had this blog for a year and almost 4 months now and continue this battle with my weight…if that’s not depressing I don’t know what is. That explains my long hiatus.

The good news is that I dropped 12 lbs between December 2014 and March 2015 and have kept the weight off!

The more exciting news is that I recently started Whole30, which is a 30 day challenge or diet or cleanse, whatever you’d like to call it, and I am currently on DAY 10!!! It’s definitely challenging. I’m not allowed to say that it’s hard because that’s one of the rules.

Whole30 Rules:

1. You do not say that Whole30 is hard.

2. You do not say that Whole30 is hard.

3. Refuse any and all food and drink offerings from friends.

4. Do not step on the scale.

5. Do not tell yourself you look skinnier. You don’t.

6. You can eat as much as you want, as long as it’s Whole30 compliant.

I made all of that up, but if you’re interested, you can check out Whole30 here.

The real reason I decided to write this post is because I turn 26 in exactly one month. Meaning I will officially be in my late twenties. Meaning I will be an old geezer. A geriatric. A fossil. A coffin dodger. My retirement literally started coming out of my paychecks TODAY. So I’m doing this diet thing and I signed up for yoga to get my ass back into gear. I can’t give up on myself at 26, life isn’t over! I need my golden years to be my thirties, so I can be a smokin’ wife and a cool mom. Are you supposed to leave your early twenties with a bang? Or should I go peacefully? That seems like a silly question.

Back to the fun stuff. My food has been beautiful lately and I want to share..

Pork chop seasoned, summer squash and onion sauteed, and sweet potato with coconut oil (one of my favorite things because its so sweet!)

Rob and I made these turkey tacos one night, just ground turkey, seasoned, with peppers, onions, mushrooms, and avocado on top, in lettuce beds. And yes, I ate 4 of them.

Sauteed sliced chicken breast with summer squash/zucchini and a salad with balsamic vinaigrette and oil.

Trader Joes sells these chili lime chicken burgers, frozen for only $3.50 for a 4 pack, they’re pretty delish. This was a lunch one day with sauteed peppers on top and a smoothie made with a banana, gala apple and coconut milk.

Another chicken burger with an egg on top, mushrooms and peppers sauteed, and side salad.

One of my favorite dinners, sweet potato on the bottom in coconut oil, sauteed onions, chicken, and a “fried” egg on top.

What I eat almost every day for lunch: Tuna or salmon with oil and balsamic on bed of arugula with seasoned veggies.

Looking forward to my “post” Whole 30 update when I am allowed to weigh myself and take measurements and see how my body has changed. Fingers crossed all this hard work pays off! I mean difficult! Challenging! It’s not hard.

As if THE Struggle wasn’t enough, I had my free one-on-one consultation at my new gym last week. This should be motivating and uplifting right? WRONG. The trainer, Leslie, told me to stop eating carbs again. Just when I started thinking carbs were okay, she tells me “Allie, if you cut carbs out of your diet, I can guarantee you will see pounds fall off.” Well I’m not going to argue with a professional trainer.

Thankfully, I left for a mini-vacay in New York City the next day, which meant CHEAT WEEKEND!! And oh, did I cheat…burgers, fries, cheese, gnocchi, tacos, pizza, beer, liquor, and more beer (see pictures below, if you dare tempt yourself). I was fully prepared to gain at least 5 pounds once I got home. I didn’t factor in that we probably walked every street in Manhattan, so shockingly I didn’t gain any weight.

Chezz. Tacuzz. Ahmletzz. Pastuzz. Sugazz.

Monday morning I started this terrible, awful, no good, very bad diet, that consists of eggs and fruit for breakfast, a big salad for lunch, and lean meat and veggies for dinner. I am allowed to snack only on natural, unsalted nuts, fruit, and natural peanut butter. I am avoiding salt and sugar as much as possible. So naturally, I got to work today and saw a pack of saltines in the breakroom and ripped into them. They were stale and disappointing, it was a sign I suppose. Also, on Monday, a resident brought a dozen cookies into the office and placed them on my desk. I had one, there was no resisting. You tell me which one looks more appetizing:

Yea, that’s what I thought. You would cave too.

The good news here is that I have lost 3 pounds in the last 3 days on this terrible, awful, no good, very bad [but effective] diet. Leslie also talked me into unlimited spin classes, so by summer I’ll be Adriana Lima’s twin, y’all.