Announcements

Hi all,
I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.
Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.
If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.
As always, we will be here with you,
ModKonnie

Website URL

ICQ

Yahoo

Jabber

Skype

Location

Interests

Loss Type

Angel Date

Occupation

Interests

Last Name

First Name

Zip

Country

About Me

Its just over 2 months since I had to have my best friend put to sleep. He was a 4 year old French Bulldog called Biggie, and I am completely lost without him. In my eyes, he was still a pup, and I had to make the decision to have him put to sleep. He had a few issues over his short life, and I did as much as I could to ensure he lived well, but the final straw we couldn't avoid and I couldn't protect him anymore. I feel like I let him down.
I struggle to talk about him, think about him, or even look at pictures of him without getting massively upset, frustrated, angry or guilty.. and thats just the half of it. I read a few forums and posts on here before signing up, and I felt like it could be a good process to get everything out in words to people I don't know.
Like I have said, Biggie was my best friend. I feel he was sort of my coping mechanism for life. He was by my side through a bunch of stuff like a relationship breakdown, friendship breakdowns, and self employed work stress. His support was always unwavering, always by my side and 100% dependable.
I feel upset because I couldn't protect him, and he's not here anymore. I also feel upset because he's not here.
I feel frustrated because he lived such a short life and he was such a great dog. His character was the best, he made me better. I feel frustrated because I use to get frustrated with his medical issues. Ear scratching, paw chewing etc, all due to severe allergies, and I used to be strict with him.
I feel angry because I am not sure whether I gave him the best life for those 4 years he could have had. I feel angry at myself for telling him off and smacking his bum when he was misbehaving. I feel most anger that a dog who was just so nice didn't live a full life with me at his side.
I feel guilty with all of the above and more. My guilt feels like complete turmoil and one I am not sure how to deal with without him being here. My coping mechanism is no longer here, and instead he is my daily struggle.
I read a lot of posts on heartache, and how the heart actually hurts - well thats me. I hadn't cried in over 10 years to do with anything unless it was Biggie related. This included family members passing. I haven't cried for a couple of weeks, well not properly, until today.
Inside my own mind, he is the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and every second in between. But I cannot speak to people about him, or look at pictures. I find it too painful.
I guess I wanted to just get whats in my head out in the open. Biggie was mischievous, loving, lazy, handsome and my best friend. I miss him dearly and will do every single day.
John

finally recieved matthew's urn yesterday...i think things are truly starting to set in, and i feel really devastated that someone i've loved and spent 6 years of my life with will be in this urn...it's sickening and i hate that...a human body, someone you love, cuddle with touch and everything is just in ashes, and that's all that im left with.