Are you honestly posting on Reddit because you're
that
upset about your gf eating a muffin in bed?? Just talk to her. And lighten up. I get it might be a "deal breaker" for you, but if this is all you have to worry about in your relationship, consider yourself lucky.

I understand it's sort of a "first world" relationship problem, but it is a problem and I want to establish a good way of communicating differences while living together right from the start so the behavior doesn't snowball and 6 months down the road we're smashing plates and one of us is packing our bags.

She does come from an abusive environment and that might have something to do with it, I don't know.

Sorry if this doesn't seem dramatic enough toyou to warrant a post on this subreddit, I just was looking for some advice.

No... she comes from an environment where she experienced a lot of mental and emotional abuse, and I remember from my limited background in psychology as an undergrad that often times people from abusive and chaotic environments sometimes find themselves creating chaos in new, seemingly stable environments. So it was just a thought that I considered might be relevant to explain the perceived defiant behavior.

Are you even trying to understand the OP's viewpoint? It's not that he thinks eating a muffin in bed
in and of itself
is "causing chaos in a stable environment".

His girlfriend ate the muffin in bed
while knowing that's something he is uncomfortable with
(okay, she may have forgotten, but hold on a sec), AND she responded to his pointing that out by dismissing it entirely
(we know this for sure, and it also overrides the possibility that she forgot), AND she had a seemingly defiant tone of voice (which is the OP's perception, but he knows her and the situation best, so let's accept that for now). When you respond to a partner's sincere feelings with dismissiveness and no attempt at understanding or compromise, that is
creating discord. Or "chaos", as the OP termed it.

He has a valid preference, which he expressed. She either ignored it outright or forgot and then dismissed it when it was brought to her attention. If she was a mature, reasonable partner who happened to have a different preference regarding eating in bed BUT also valued communication and the concept of working together to overcome issues rather than unilaterally rejecting something her partner finds important, she would've responded much differently.

It's not about eating in bed. It's about her response and overall attitude. Her eating a muffin in bed may be a minor and laughable thing to you, but the surrounding context of her behaviour shows a red flag that OP is doing well not to ignore.
Now, IF he's completely closed off to compromise (such as her using a plate and making absolutely certain not to drop crumbs in the bed), then that's something that reflects poorly on him and should also be dealt with.
But his girlfriend's immediate reaction is indeed
a red flag -- even if minor and easily surmountable -- and that is what a lot of people seem not to understand here.

I never said they were a "great evil"... please cite where I said that if you are going to be so condescending. I don't think you understand the concept of defiance either. She knew I disliked the act of eating in bed, but did it anyway. When she kept eating in bed after I asked her not to, that's defiant by definition. Please take your hostility to somewhere else, I've got no time for it.

This guy has to be a troll. Go ahead keep thinking everyone else is being mean and hostile when you're so reasonable. For someone who claims to understand psych it's really funny seeing how little you can apply it to yourself.

If you're going to be this butthurt then why did you even bother to post on reddit? People are giving you their honest opinions and advice, isn't that what you wanted? No one here is personally attacking you. However, you choose to take everything that is contradictory to your opinion as offensive.

It's not 'defiant behavior.' Different people have different norms for stuff like eating in bed. Plenty of people from completely normal backgrounds also eat in bed. You happen to really not like it, and that's fine, but if she's used to it and forgets once, and you turn around and freak out about moving in together ... you're the one creating chaos.

Your background in psychology should also have taught you that peoples' memories really freaking suck. If you can't handle occasionally having to say "babe, remember when I told you that it really bugs me when people eat in bed? Would you mind bringing a plate next time?" then you're not ready to live with someone. If she can't say "I'm so sorry, honey, I totally blanked on you telling me that. I'll try not to eat in bed, and when I do I'm happy to change the sheets right after," then neither is she.

Actually, the reason it's "defiant" is because I told her multiple times that I didn't like food in the bed, she did it anyway, and when I asked her to take the food out of the bed, she refused and continued eating, while saying in a defiant tone, "we never agreed to that."

But yeah keep villainizing me as some over-controlling asshole, I totally am. /s

The way she said "we never agreed to that" was with a pretty defiant tone, and I was just waking up. So yeah, it seemed kind of defiant being that she knows perfectly well that I can't stand eating in bed.

Would you mind easing off on all the aggression? It's an advice thread and people are different, don't attack them for being honest...

Living with someone is guaranteed that some things you will do that she won't like and likewise. Considering how meaningless it is, cultivate patience and tolerance because this won't be the last thing you do that she likes having done differently.

It's happened multiple times, this is the first time it's happened while we were living together. And I clearly expressed that i did not want food in the bed.

I bet it feels good to judge me as some over-psychoanalyzing douche bag a-hole, that's probably more entertaining than actually taking my request for advice seriously and sparing me all the patronizing, judgmental preaching and telling me to ignore what I learned in college. God forbid I learn something in school and actually apply it to my life! The horror!

Yeah turns out I'm just this vindictive controlling asshole who hate everyone I choose to keep in my life. I'm also really conceited and pretty much know that the world revolves around me, including all the people in it. You pretty much nailed my entire character right there...

It's cool that you and your boyfriend both like to eat in bed, but if I were him that would really bother me. Sorry for expressing preferences that which you personally cannot relate to.

you're describing eating a muffin in bed as "creating chaos in a stable environment". lol are you reading what your writing? there's nothing chaotic about eating a muffin in bed other than gross fear of it.

So it was just a thought that I considered might be relevant to explain the perceived defiant behavior.

It's only defiant in your eyes. In her eyes, you're being defiant by not just letting her eat her damn muffin where she wants.