NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Texas Executes 393rd Guilty Prisoner

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Marking a notable milestone in the history of capital punishment in the United States, the state of Texas executed its 393rd guilty prisoner Wednesday with the death of 52-year-old convicted murderer Kimberly McCarthy by lethal injection. “Yesterday, the Texas Department of Criminal Justice executed its 500th inmate since the state reinstated capital punishment in 1982, and the 393rd one who was proven to have committed the crime of murder beyond a reasonable doubt,” said U.S. Deputy Attorney General James Cole at a press briefing this afternoon, adding that the Texas legal system had, in this particular instance, “definitely confirmed” that McCarthy killed her 71-year-old neighbor in 1997. “As of today, Texas leads all states with its 500 total executions, 393 of whom were guilty individuals, and 98 executions of prisoners who they’re fairly certain were guilty.” Cole noted, however, that Texas was tied with Florida for the most executions that, in retrospect, they weren’t all that sure about, with nine apiece.