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Friday, August 30, 2013

Minor Actors Who Stole Classic Movies

Minor Actors Who Stole Classic Movies

There are actors who steal a movie. With winning performances, dramatic roles, and enormous penises (refer to Long Dong Silver). And then there are actors who make off with the scenery, lighting, camera equipment and film reels. Like these folks:

4. Lycia Naff-Total RecallWho the hell is Lycia Naff you say? Calm down, I reply. It's just a blog. Maybe you'll remember Lycia if I showed you these...

Why god! Why did you only give me two hands?!

Mention Total Recall and the first thing that instantly comes to mind is the three-breasted Martian hooker. Mind you, this is also a movie that has Sharon Stone on it. And we're talking hot Sharon Stone, fresh off Basic Instinct Sharon Stone, not the crazy, scarf-wearing to hide her wrinkles Sharon Stone from The Muse.

Lycia has about 30 seconds of screen time and 10 seconds of that is her getting shot with her top completely on (a waste if you ask me). But still that's the image that haunts us (and by us, I mean man-childs everywhere). It's become our Quixotic windmill. Our elusive dream (for those who never heard of Quixote). And also the answer to one of life's ultimate questions--what could be better than a pair of breasts? The answer is of course three. Three breasts. In fact the only thing that would have improved this wonderful character is if the extra boob was on her back for, you know, when you're dancing. Or four breasts. That'd be great, too.

3. Peter Sellers- Pink PantherThe original Pink Panther film, A Shot in the Dark, was not contrary to what you might think about the bumbling Inspector Clouseau, but rather a highly competent jewel thief named Sir Charles Litton (David Niven). The movie itself was more drama than comedy until Peter Sellers entered the scene, then all bets were off. And those were the only scenes that worked. The four subsequent films and two disastrous remakes chucked all the drama out the window and made no hints about who the real star was...

A giant and mute pink-colored panther.

Think about it. That'd be like one of the screaming residents of Tokyo getting the starring role in the next Godzilla movie (with Godzilla never again appearing on film).

2. Trigger- The Lone RangerIn a movie this bad, even the fake cactus plants and tumbleweeds are at risk to steal a scene, but don't forget this film has Johnny Depp in it. Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp. Pirates of the Carribean Johnny Depp. WInona Ryder Johnny Depp. The man is a freaking genius.

They had to digitally block out his enormous dong.

And yet, it's an 11-year old nag that steals the movie with sly nods to the audience and comic timing that eluded the movie's stars. Even Arnie Hammer, the man who will go down in history as the man who put the silver bullet in the Lone Ranger franchise, gave the horse his well to do props, "The horse and I are not speaking. He stole the whole movie."

1. Jack Nicholson-Easy Rider

Above: The worst Captain America Ever

Easy Rider is the seminal film of the 60's, depicting a rejection of the establishment and portraying the dichotomy that existed between disaffected youth and the 'squares'. And if you're being honest with yourself, it's also boring as shit. It's Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper riding around on motorcycles and taking very real drugs. In case you lost count, that's two activities that are much more fun to do

than watch. If only they could have thrown some soccer in there, they would have had the trifecta. In fact the only thing that saved this movie from becoming a painful but mandatory viewing requirement for anyone with a ponytail, is Jack Nicholson being just Jack Nicholson.