A pufferfish poisoned my grandpa
A dogfish ate my cat
And then a catfish ate my dog!
I was very upset about that

So you go for a swim if you like
Just don’t ask me to come too
I’m staying here with my camera
I can’t wait to see what gets you!

HENRIETTA BAT

Henrietta Bat
Thought she was a cat
She caught a little mouse
And brought it in the house
She nibbled off its head
To make sure it was dead
Then she licked off all the mud
And sucked out all its blood
‘Yum, yum!’ sang Henrietta
‘I’ve never tasted better.
This is the life for me
A mouse a day for tea!’

But Henrietta’s luck
Ran out when she got stuck.
She couldn’t move at all….
The cat-flap was too small
Suddenly she spied
Six shining little eyes
It was the mouse’s mother
His sister, and his brother
Henrietta shrieked
As they nibbled off her feet
She screamed and sobbed and cried
As they nipped out both her eyes

So learn from Henrietta Bat
Never try and be a cat

AUNTIE BETTY THINKS SHE’S BATGIRL
Auntie Betty pulls her cloak on
And the mask - the one with ears
Almost ready, check the lipstick
Wait until the neighbours cheer.

Through the window. What a leap!
She lands right in the drivers seat.
Off she goes with style and grace
To make our world a better place.

MISS NITS

My teacher is not very nice
Her hair is infested with lice
When my mother complained
The headmaster explained
She was all he could get for the price

THE 3 O’CLOCK NIGHTMARE

At three o’clock the chatter stops
and everybody stares
They can’t believe the sort of clothes
my silly mother wears...

bobble hats and purple tights
spectacles with flashing lights
florescent coats that shine for miles
boots made out of crocodiles
furry tops she thinks are cute
but worst of all - her birthday suit!

At three o’clock the mothers come
all normal, except mine
Already I feel slightly sick
and it’s only half past nine!

AUNTIE JANET

Auntie Janet comes from planet
Peanut Butter Sandwich
When she’s smooth
She’s in a good mood
But when she’s crunchy
She tries to punch me

UN-STABLE AUNTIE

My Auntie Josephine is mad
She wants to be a horse!
She eats huge plates of oats and hay
With heaps of chocolate sauce

She trots around the dining room
Then gallops up the stairs
She loves to practice jumping
Over lines of kitchen chairs

She’s even filled her bed with straw
I don’t know what she’s doing
Why can’t she be like other cows
And simply stick to mooing?

THINGS I NEED A MACHINE FOR

Getting me up in the morning
Finding my football shirt
Finding my football shorts
Finding my football boots
Sneaking some crisps into my kit bag while I’m not looking
Getting me to football training on time
Shouting my name from the sidelines
Giving me a cuddle if we lose
Washing my football shirt
Washing my football shorts
Scraping the mud off my football boots (well, some of it anyway)
Telling me I’m the best player in the team

Luckily I’ve got a machine just like that
She’s called Mum.

DANIEL, WHO WOULDN’T LET ANYONE ELSE
USE THE COMPUTER, AND STARVED TO DEATH

Seven sisters and a brother
Couldn’t wait to have a go
But every time they tried to use it
Little Daniel shouted, ‘No!’

But shouting didn’t stop them, so
Young Daniel levered up the floor
And with the wooden planks, he boarded
Up the windows and the door

You should have heard Dan’s brother and sisters
Wail and screech and scream and shout
They couldn’t get in to play computers
But neither could little Daniel get out

So firmly had he nailed the floorboards
He was well and truly stuck
Desperately trying to get the nails out
No good – poor Dan was out of luck

‘I wish I hadn’t been so selfish,’
Sighed Daniel, with his dying breath
Then, all alone with his computer
Little Daniel starved to death

UNCLE ALBERT THINKS HE’S SUPERMAN

Uncle Albert goes out shopping
On his list are pants and socks
On the way back home he spies
The most inviting telephone box
Yank the handbrake! Emergency stop!
Into the telephone box he hops
Pulls his pants on, opens the door
Then off he zooms
To save the world once more.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No, it’s Uncle Albert again

MISS NITS

My teacher is not very nice
Her hair is infested with lice
When my mummy complained
The headmaster explained
She was all he could get for the price

GRANDMA’S GONE

The night was still and the night was cold
And the trembly moon clung on to the tree
As it staggered along to the top of the hill
Where we waited, my grandma and me.

The night was cold and the night was still
And the howling of cats could be smelt on the breeze
s it swirled round our fingers and made us both sneeze
Still we waited, my grandma and me.

We waited and waited, my grandma and me
For the moon to go out and the stars to fly free
And the birthdays to fall from the birthday card tree
And she held my hand tight in her own.

We waited and waited until I was ten
Then we marched back together through meadow and glen.
‘When you’re older,’ she whispered, ‘We’ll come back again,’
But I knew I’d be coming alone.

The nights are cold and the nights are still
And the fish jump into the silvery sea
And the moon sings a lullaby ever so old
As it waits for my grandma and me.