Biden Says Department of Homeland Security Crawling with Lesbians

WASHINGTON – With the demonstrations and subsequent military coup in Egypt drawing the bulk of the media’s attention this week, reports that a senior official at the Department of Homeland Security had resigned Saturday amid accusations of employment discrimination and sexual harassment were overlooked by the majority of news agencies. The official, Suzanne Barr, an aide to the department’s secretary, Janet Napolitano, had been on leave from her position of chief of staff at Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) after a male agent filed a lawsuit accusing her of creating a “frat house” atmosphere designed to humiliate male employees. Additional male employees came forward with their own complaints of sexual misconduct by Barr.

Early today on CBS This Morning, Vice President Biden sat down with host Gayle King and near the end of the interview he was asked about the Homeland Security story. Following is an excerpt from that interview:

GAYLE KING: The allegations of sexual impropriety against Miss Barr include aggressive attempts to humiliate and intimidate her male counterparts.

JOE BIDEN: (After a thoughtful pause) Look, we’ve known for some time now that the Department of Homeland Security is crawling with lesbians.

Gayle King stared wide-eyed at the vice president.

JOE BIDEN: But it’s never been a concern, Gayle, because those frisky gals have done such a bang up job.

GAYLE KING: Uh… apparently Miss Barr also worked under Janet Napolitano while she was governor of Arizona, serving as her director of legislative affairs.

JOE BIDEN: Yeah, the two of them are kind of like you and Oprah.

GAYLE KING: (coughing) … Uh, there are some who wonder if Janet Napalitano is running a tight ship at the Homeland Security.

JOE BIDEN: Oh, you can count on it. Janet Nepalitano is one tough S.O.B. She puts her pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us.

GAYLE KING: Is the administration concerned with the caliber of the women working under her?

JOE BIDEN: I can assure you, the stable of girls Janet’s harnessed to service her are smart, competent and stronger than government mules.

Janet Napolitano

GAYLE KING: So you have confidence in the type of agents at Homeland Security?

JOE BIDEN: Of course I do. Look, if I need help in the middle of a hurricane or a terrorist attack I don’t wanna sit around waiting for Homeland Security agents in high heels to pack their lipstick and pantyhose. And believe me, that’s definitely not gonna be a problem with those gals! (Biden winks)

GAYLE KING: Would you say the agents under Janet Napalitano are dedicated to her?

JOE BIDEN: From what I’ve been told, the agents under Janet are eagerly chomping their way up her chain of command. Priority number one is to fulfill her insatiable demands. And apparently, sometimes after Janet’s been satisfied she’s been known to scream out the name of the agent who gratified her.

GAYLE KING: What do you personally think about the sexual misconduct charges?

JOE BIDEN: Oh, I don’t know. Heck, the gals get a little randy and next thing you know they’re being led around by their you know what. Any guy can tell you what that’s like.

GAYLE KING: You once visited Janet Napolitano when she was Governor in Arizona.

JOE BIDEN: I went out one weekend and watched her play rugby in the rain with about a dozen other gals. Janet was out there in her dungarees, unshaven, her hair matted with sweat, wrestling around in the mud with a grunting group of grimacing women. She’s a very physical competitor.

GAYLE KING: And she has a motorcycle?

JOE BIDEN: She’s got a big ol’ Harley Davidson. After her rugby game we chatted a few minutes before she and one of her gal pals straddled that big vibrating hog and roared off into the sunset together, undoubtedly relishing the big, warm, pulsating machine churning and twisting between their legs.

GAYLE KING: There’s a rumor that officials have been hesitant to reproach the female agents at Homeland Security.

JOE BIDEN: Well, I can’t say I blame ’em. I mean, have you ever seen an angry lesbian?

GAYLE KING: Well, I uh…

JOE BIDEN: Imagine a hungry pit bull on bath salts.

GAYLE KING: Thank you for visiting with us today, Mr. Vice President.

JOE BIDEN: My pleasure, Gayle. You and Oprah should have lunch with me and Mrs. Vice President soon.