Top 5 Fast Food Restaurants That Will Make You Scared to Fart

Man, do we love fast food. It’s cheap, it’s delicious and it satisfies every self-hating cell in your body with highly processed, corporately created concoctions that any man, woman or child can enjoy. But if you’re anything like me, such easily acquired satisfaction comes at a cost… in the form of nearly crapping your pants. Here are the Top 5 Fast Food Restaurants That Will Make You Scared to Fart.

5. McDonald’s

For whatever reason, McDonald’s is one of those “food products” you know you shouldn’t eat, but some days, it sounds like the most delicious thing in the world. So you go for it. And within an hour of finishing your Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal, that’s when you remember why it’s a guilty pleasure – because the whole value meal is about to come rocketing out of your ass faster than you can say “Super size.” You’d think that eating Happy Meals since early childhood would build up a tolerance in your stomach to the wads of grease, salt and sugar McDonald’s tries to pass off as food, but you’d be wrong.

Worst meal: McGriddle with hashbrowns and coffee

4. White Castle

Unlike McDonald’s, which can seem like a wise lunch choice (at least before you eat it), White Castle is one of those foods that you only eat when you’re feeling particularly masochistic – or drunk, high, hung over or all of the above. And since their hamburgers are the size of a Little Debbie snack, you inevitably end up eating about 15 more than you planned on consuming in the first place. And before you know it, you’re laying in the middle of the parking lot in the fetal position, wondering what the hell you were thinking. So before you chip in for your next Crave Case, remember: they’re called “Slyders” for a reason…

Worst meal: Jalapeño cheeseburger Crave Case with onion rings

3. Long John Silver’s

Just thinking about fast food fish products makes me feel a little queezy. So when that’s the only thing a restaurant offers, it doesn’t exactly instill confidence. Add a heaping helping of fried batter and hush puppies, and that pretty much guarantees a serious disturbance in the force shall haunt your future. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the food – all I’m saying is that there are reasons fish is best served fresh, and it has specifically to do with your intestines.

Worst meal: Anything

2. Taco Bell

The first indication that a food might cause you some digestion issues is that it looks pretty much the same going in as it does coming out. And all you have to do is take one look at Taco Bell’s ground beef to know what’s in store for your intestines in the not-too-distant future. It’s a shame, because Taco Bell has to be one of the absolute best drunk foods, ever. But when something’s as delicious as a Chalupa, you know there’s going to be a fiery hell to pay.

Worst meal: Volcano burrito

1. Popeyes Chicken

Maybe this is a bit of an over-share, but I cannot even get through an entire meal of Popeyes chicken before having to make a serious emergency run to the bathroom. Seriously. And it’s a damn shame, because all I want to do is enjoy the deliciously greasy chicken in peace. But something inside me just won’t let that happen. And I know I’m not alone – whenever we have Popeyes day at the COED office, there aren’t enough bathrooms to handle the ghastly result of a family pack of chicken and sides. But you know what? It’s totally, totally worth it.