From mud huts, umqomboti and straightback to penthouses, expensive weaves and moet!

Memoirs – Chapter Eighty Two

You get a different perspective of what life is when you are lying down on your back in your own doorway. It’s pretty simple really. This man had just punched me and from the force of his punch plus without my baseball bat I knew I could never take him on. Lawyers are like doctors, usually we can’t fight for shit! The heaviest thing we ever lift is our pen and notepad, not forgetting our wallets of course. Somehow the ladies did not see this because Khanyi turned and saw me on the ground before putting her hands on her mouth first before she came and crouched next to my head and said,
“Mxolisi what happened? Did you collapse? Must I call an ambulance?”
I felt like saying,
“No woman this bobbejaan punched me!”
But no one likes a man who whines! I said I slipped and fell of which the baboon even offered his hand to help me up. I could not say no because it would be obvious I did not want him.

“Wow is this the guy you have been talking about. You guys have been dating for 8months and I only meet him now!”
My wife said trying to divert the attention from her embarrassed husband. Did she just say 8months? Something was wrong here! Clearly I was being played. It’s like they wanted the details of the relationship to be revealed in front of me! I knew what my wife was doing, she was trying to save her relationship with Khanyi’s help. How? My wife knew I liked Khanyi somehow or suspected whilst Khanyi must have changed her mind aboout breaking my wife up and me. Again, Khanyi was friends with my wife’s boss that’s how she got the job in the first place soo obviously she knew of the beatdown I had given her boss. She must have suspected that maybe I will beat her up to considering she is the one who brought a snake into my perfect home! That’s why she came with a date. That’s why she was willing to expose her boyfriend to me. Had she turned down the invite it would have extremely rude all considering. Why had I not thought this through properly though. I am such an idiot! I should have realised this! I actually felt like I had a reason to smile! I was not mad after all. I was also aware that the thing with a conspiracy is that the more you feed it the more it grows wings so I must keep things single.

“My love I need to go change my dress because I cannot have dinner looking like a hobo. Khanyi please come help me. You boys can bond!”

When your wife calls you a boy in front of a man who has just moered you it’s quite humbling. Now I had to look at him. As soon as they left I grew my balls!
“What was that for?”
I said pointing at the punch. This guy was nuts!
“You were rude and what you said was uncalled for!”
So! It’s my house,
“Beside Khanyi said I should watch out for your rudeness!”
He said casually.
“Do you realize that I can get you arrested for assault?”
He smiled and said yeah he did realize this but oh well,
“I am a cop so I would probably get the docket lost. You know the drill. I carry a gun too… most times anyway!”
He said,
“Is your swimming pool all season!”
He asked so casually I wanted to scream! This guy was so confident. It’s like that had never happened. I couldn’t even answer the pool question I just stood up and left.

I went upstairs. As a husband you can walk in when your wife is dressing regardless of whether her best friend is there or not. I did not tiptoe up the stairs but I was quiet enough on purpose. Lawyers have voice recorders we use to tape our clients. I had mine in my pocket conveniently as I had planned to make Khanyi confess her love for me on it before she brought her baboon downstairs. I clicked record and pressed it against the door. The door was slightly open and the ladies were talking.
“I can’t believe I almost lost my husband Khanyi. I love Mxolisi with all my heart but I am so bored. We never did anything fun and staying at home just made it worse. I often told him this but he would say that ‘I brought you here to take care of you!’ do you know how condescending that is?”

She asked. Did they hear me coming? But no there is no way even though I swear I think I was meant to hear that. Khanyi then responded,

“Look I understand where you are coming from but what happens if he pursues the divorce? You know he is hard headed like that.”

My wife hesitated for a second then said,
“It’s because you fucked up Khanyi. You were supposed to seduce him and kiss him nyana so that I could have leverage and you could not even achieve that! That’s all I asked for!”

She said sounding a bit irritated,

“I failed because all he did was talk about you. I did everything we discussed and agreed on but the man would not budge! The only thing left honestly is for you to suggest a threesome and invite me then you can have something. You will be able to say you are trying to make it up to him for what you did and in a controlled environment!”

Hold up! Say what? Too many things had been said here I was not even sure what emotions were going through me! Khanyi and my wife had planned this together! Does that even make sense? Khanyi and my wife had deliberately tried to make me cheat because they wanted my wife to cheat too this way she would be able to say ‘but you did it too’! That was just the first part! Second part was why was Khanyi lying that we had never done anything when I fucked the shit out of her? It was not like she was protecting me because it was part of their plan all along so why lie? Thirdly, who was the guy downstairs? But better yet, point number four, did she say a threeway?

“We will continue this conversation later but I am not losing my husband Khanyi…”

I figured they were about to come downstairs so I ran down ahead of them. I had a lot to think about. I was being played largely because my wife said I was a boring husband! What the fuck? All wives who say their husbands are boring it’s because they are boring too! My wife at the beginning I did say never wanted to do anything yet now she was saying I am the boring one!

As I got downstairs my phone rang! Imagine if it had rang when I was outside the door. Close call! I picked the phone which was private,

It was Lindiwe!

“I am outside your house! I need to talk to you now!”

She said and hung up before I could even respond!

What now!

****The End****

@diaryofazulugal
Mikeatdiary
Michael Nkululeko Maphoto

Dear Mike

I have been dating this guy for three years. We hardly fought and saw each other every weekend. Two months ago he started ignoring me and no matter how many times I called him he would respond after possible ten missed calls. We did not fight or argue. We had great sex even so it’s not about me holding out. He just stopped. I had introduced him to my parents and vice versa because he was the real deal. I see him online on whatsapp and I send him messages but he responds after a week.

It was obvious that these two were in this together……..Mxolisi vuka emaqandeni papa and grow a pair, I mean how can someone disrespect you in your own home, seriously!

NK, This guy has moved on to the next thing, he will probably do the same thing he did to you so cut your ties and move on nana. You might miss a good thing coz you busy lingering on this guy who clearly has made you an option instead of a priority!

thanx mike
dear NK let the guy go clearly he does not want you anymore and for you to even have to leave him 10 missed calls to get a respond to his friends you seem craze even though you mean well but let him go

Ha a Mikeesto, I wanna pay for more… Yoh man what an exciting chapter, Mike please man, I wanna pay for more!!!

A2Q
You say he responds to your message after a week?? Lmao kwaaaaaa. Awufunwa NK, ulahliwe sisi move on lol. He clearly isn’t interested in you nomore. I say move on with your life, enjoy being single while you try to figure out how the hell you scared this guy away lol.

All the best, your story had me rolling on the floor laughing, literally.

Khanyi is a two faced cow, she saw a naive bi*** who didn’t appreciate what she had, and played her for the fool she is. Astha will regret it when Khanyi moves into her new home after the divorce.
What does Lindiwe want now?

NK the 1st time he ignored you, you should have just walked away. But to beg him with 10 missed calls aowa. i didn’t want to laugh when reading your letter but couldn’t help it askies lala. walk away and even if he tries to come back don’t allow him.

Toad. You called me an assume??! Yet the hypocrite in you called me rude and obnoxious.. The irony. Get over your silly self girl, you need to stop taking life so damn seriously. Not every letter needs a damn tissue and chocolate cod not all are heartbreaking. NK is naïve, she should know better.

‘As’ far as the hole goes, well, I will live. You not the first to misjudge or to be blinded by feelings. This is a funny story, that you would also probably laugh at, with your girlfriends over whatever yell do while gossiping. I’ll take your comment in the butt vha, enjoy your day 🙂

Jackzorro or whatever u call urself, you are so mean!! The girl is hurting obviously and ur laughing??? Wasn’t it better for u to just keep quiet rather than showing how heartless u r? Sies mahn! U should be ashamed of urself…. You are so immature!!!

Urhm love, you just have to talk to the guy and tell him to be honest with you, if he no longer loves you let him be clear because a break up is much better than the way he’s acting, if he no longer feels the same way about u it is not the end of the world, although it hurts u just have to accept and move on with ur life. Good luck and God bless you.

Weh bubu, skang tester neh, do not test my immaturity coz I will be forced to act the part. Stop being so damn serious all the time, this story is not depressing, its funny. Until NK realises that and laughs about it, she will move on without any further heartache. Commenting like Mandela died aint gonna #BringBackHerBoy. So get over your self ousie!!

Hmm ja ne, everyone has gone crazy over a man or woman after a break up, BUT ten missed calls? Sisi where is your pride? You still whatsapp him even tho he replies after a week? Sisi AGAIN where is your pride? The guy has moved on, it happens. People fall out of love regardless of how good the sex is. I will be honest; to myself, the people here on this blog and his friends you seem like a crazy stalking ex. Again TEN missed calls? My bf knows the first missed call he calls back immediately because after the second missed call I will not bother him. Lovey in life you should know where you wanted, and where you not wanted. APHA AWUFUNWA

Thanks Mike. Now this explains and fits the title of this book. Mxolisi will never be able to out-smart his wife, uhlangene nezikere zangempela!!! ‘Husqavanah’ – cuts across anything!!! Nx!
A to Q: move on child, isibhabhile yemuka lenyoni!! No need in asking him to be honest and all, he can’t say that he doesn’t love you or want you any clearer, than he has demonstrated with his actions. Cry, lick your wounds, and after all that – plant your feet on the ground, square your shoulders, hold your head up high and move on babygirl. These things happen…

no 1 fan – can you start your own writings and we’ll c if u wont be boring, stale, misdirected just like mfundi’s work
we await…………
we love your work mike, no matter what and you are none whatsoever any comparison to mfundi’s work(akgaaa)
big up Bra mike…

This fake number one fan aint loyal. I mean come on, how does one even compare Mike’s creative art to that of Grandpa Mfundi Vundla… Mike, not everyone reads the blog, out of those that do, we thoroughly enjoy it. Criticism is good if its constructive, I fail to see how this so called number one fan wouldve done that story differently, or even better. Somethings must just bounce off brother.

I am always against Jackzorro’s comments, but this time I agree with him. Two months of ten missed calls and replies after a week? The first two weeks should have told her he is not interested anymore. He is just not that into you. I am sorry, but at times people need their eyes opened up, and I think Zorro was dishing out tough love.

Lokl that’s so true, I think that’s why they don’t get us, they treat us like tourists in this country lol. Gotta love cape folks though :). I smak a lekker fish and chips from Plumstead fisheries now lol.

I think the big guy brought to dinner is the guy that “Raped” her…
NK… Its hard I know a lot of us have been lapho,caught off guard cause you thought things were good. You want him to have the guts to come dump you face to face after 3years together!He owes you that much. If you’re not willing to completely move on I think its time you got something to keep you busy!

Mike, great read and thank you for gracing us with an amazing chapter once again.

To QnA, my angel funny enough things like this happen. Painful as they are they do happen. Most of the time its never your fault, guys are guys and you should never ever blame yourself for something like this. I went through the same thing like you boo, just dont bug him, as much as it is hard to do so, if he still feels like he is needed by you and you havent moved on he will continue to ignore you and think he still has control over you. Continue with your life, make new friends, remove all contact. Boo believe me you it will bug him that you havent contacted him for long and he’ll come back, but my advice to you is dont ever let him back in your life, if a guy wants to be with you he will be with you, he wont beat around the bush, he’ll just be there, he wont even go a day without speaking to you. As soon as you think effort is falling more ob your side, truth is, it probably is and never stoop low for a guy. There is a guy out there who would kill and climb mountains to be with you, don’t let a douchebag get in the way of that, there’s a girl out there that wouldnt be caught dead with that guy, she’ll probably f*ck him over and move on with her life, karma is a b*tch. Hopefully you get through this, it gets easier everyday.

Mike I am finding it hard to believe this now, plot to get your friend to sleep with your husband, if it happens anywhere in the world then this world is really coming to an end.

Jackzorro, awuzwa yaz, NK khala cc uzithanqaze bese usula izinyembezi and focus on things that matter like family and friends. This guy is not worth it, right now you vulnerable ngoba its still fresh but with time it will heal. We all think back to the times when we were dumped by a lover, it hurt real bad but later on you wonder ukuthi wawuthandani kuleloser. It happens akusihlazo, its life futhi uyakhula uqine ukhakhayi. The last thing ongayenza ukumncenga, ungalokothi.

To people on this blog, let us be civil with each other, uJackzorro sesiyamazi no need for insults though.

Q – I feel you on the first part of your comment. I enjoy the book but I feel like Mike’s imagine is running a bit too wild. I think its getting out of touch with reality and he needs to think about that a little.

@Jack what what you are Mikes true groupie shem,the way you manage to comment everyday about peoples relationships shows you have no life and clearly you think you know everything about everything,FYI usazo kaaka nawe kusemhlabeni la. Your too judgemental,I’m sure NK is hurting and only needed advice not your deluded life you live

Groupie…. Tjo!! How many other people comment here day in day out? Do they also have no lives? Just cause we can afford to read Mike’s blogs and offer real life commentary doesn’t mean we must be subjected to such idiocy. Your comment was very stupid, it was rushed and it was inconsiderate. The weather in cape town was based purely on interaction with an individual… So what if its sunny in joburg too?? So monkey sees , monkey does? Stop comparing your eventful and fulfilled life with mine. You said it, I don’t have a life, so I can afford to be here everyday, appreciating Mike’s work, giving advice to those that seek it. And yes, I have to then deal with people like you who are just too annoyed because Jackzorro seems to be getting too much attention.. Tough! I won’t insult you, rather I will just let you off with a middle finger but have a nice day 🙂

Oh well Mxolisi sometimes you can be such an idiot. If you really wanted to outplay your wife you should’ve Taken Lindiwe or some random girl and not your wife’s friend. Didn’t it hit you once to think that they will conspire against you.

NK stop making a fool of yourself by chasing this guy and just move on with your life. And next time you meet a guy don’t rush to introduce him to your parents. Cause you feel that he is the “Thee guy” or “the one”.

Haowa guys calm down, no need to insult each other bathong! I understand y sum of u would laugh but remember when u r sitting outside a situation u can c it differently, unfortunately 4 the person that is in that won’t c it like u. Remember gore us women we are funny creatures, we want closure or confirmation of sum sort, and 3 yrs is a long time 2 spend with sum1 and then out of the blue they jst go awol on you. I think deep down she knows gore this guy is not interested anymore, she just needs help in realising that since she is not getting the closure she needs from this guy. Its not easy gore 1 day u wake up frm a perfect relationship of 3 yrs to being blatantly ignored, it would have been easier for him to tell her he wants out and give a reason y he wants out, but now she’s just not sure where she stands, she doesn’t have the answers she desires to move on. Unfortunately Nk I doubt u will get anymore closure from this, u need to give it to yourself, start accepting these signs and come to the realisation that he is no longer interested, then start your healing process. This guy is preying on your desperation, don’t let him get u anymore desperate. You have spent 3 years with this man for him 2 mistreat u like this, u don’t deserve sum1 that will just ignore u without the decency to let u know when he’s moved on. Its a sign that u mean very little to him if he can just ignore u like that and not even tell u gore he wants out. So start accepting it. Sterkte sester!

@ NK my darling you going through the same thing I went through in Feb my advice to you is his actions speak louder than words, so cut all ties with him delete his contacts pictures and start living your life he clearly was never yourz to keep. And im telling you this with time it get better make new friends and live your life . Talking from experience you can give me your email /contacts

OH!Ya i wanted to say its to you NK girl if you trully loved him Let him go *BabMkhize’s voice*If it was meant to be it will be kodwa stop being frastrated and stressed ngomuntu ongana ndaba ngawe mkhulule ahambe wethu u will be fine and you will find someone who will appreciate and love you wayawaya… askies kodwa yezwa.

I seriously have a problem with the lack of sensitivity that some people display here.
Its clear to us that this guy has moved on, and its real easy for us to tell NK to do the same. But yall seem to forget that thats’s because we weren’t the ones who were inlove with the guy, we weren’t the ones who had invested time, blood, sweat and tears into those three years.
Love is blind, love is stupid yet at the same time its the best feeling ever, so probably could be the reason why she is still hung up on him.

@Nk,so so sorry cc. The best u can do is to try find closure. Tell yourself this moegoe is out of your life. Stop hurting yourself with all this calls that he is not taking or returning. He will soon realise that u have accepted that he is out of ur life. For now, go on a healing process…get him out of ur system. U will feel it when u r ready 2 date again. For now, surround yourself with friends & family…with time, a guy that deserves u will come along.
People do fall out of love & when that happens, some dont know how to explain it, so they do the disappearing act..
because they r cowards.
Now dont beat yourself up for a coward. Make sure u always on a company of good friends & dont lock yourself in the house mourning the loss of this loser..
go out & enjoy yourself lala…& be careful of re-bounds…they never work…take your time…when it feels rite..it will sure be rite.
Let that 1 go phambili ba yo mqutha…he just doesnt deserve u!!! Gud luck…till the rite guy comes along!..Much love

There a people that do crazy and hectic ish out there and for those that are living under a rock and think that Mike’s imagination is running a bit too wild just because you have not been through it or have not heard of it that does not mean it doesn’t happen.
Besides no one likes reading about the same boring ish that happens on our boring everyday lives I think this is why we read these blogs to escape the normal everyday boring things… I say keep up the wild and crazy imagination Mike it makes for an excellent read.
This Chapter was tooo funny.

JACKAZORRO FOR MAYOR!!!!! Everyone is entitled to his comments let him be guys please!!

@NK , dear I second Nana on her response , please try and shift your focus to something else forget a bit about this guy cos clearly he’s not interested . I mean responding to your whatsapp after a week and you still continue to contact him , stop it . Cut all ties if you can please honey .

NK honey your story is very funny stru naas but biliv me wen i say to u it happened to me 2 years ago lucky for me i read between de lines ngabona sengingasekho ku BBM ukuthi its over i ddnt evn bother to make unnecessary calls i only called once or twice but biliv me wen i say to u i have never cried so much in my life for months i wanted answers but no one was willing to give me i laughed about it wit my friendz telling dem de way angishiye ngimangele ngakhona kodwa uma sengingedwa I wuld cry like a baby

kodwa ke god is not dumb just last month he came to apologize de galfriend he flea wit left him like sh!t wit his money and all he now borrows money from me he cries talking about de way his gal left him part of me wants to tell him to get over it already coz dats how i felt wen he left me but still I survived but im not dat cruel I help him out wen ever I can angitheleke ngezinyembezi ngimthulise ke I still love him but as a friend not a boyfriend I wuld never allow him to hurt me ever again

Unamanga Kay, if you still love him akuzuba lula to be close to him and still not manage to be intimate, ayigebengu amadoda one of these days you will succumb to his advances ngoba lokho kukhala lokho kuqwubugebengu kwakona, think about that school boy kwi saints and sinners the way he lured that girl into sleeping with him it was so credulous

Nk bby gal move on with ur life it hurts to hold on to something dat doesnt exist anymore. U will find someone some day he is not worth stressing abt 3yrz its alot maybe dats y u cnt move on and u have hope he will come around hai he wont. If he cared abt u he would not do dat he needs to grow up

Mxolisi is too slow and a lame brain for a lawyer! He needs to get his shit together and up his game!
QnA: this guy is sooooo over you! It may be hard to move on but staying and groveling will make you look more desperate. I know u love this guy but for your hearts sake MOVE ON just like he did

A2Q. Sweetheart two months is too long. Usually when a guy ignores u he wants out. The ignoring is aimed at frustrating u so u can dump him. Responding after a week to whatsapp? That’s another clear sign. I know it’s hard, trust me I’ve been dumped like that b4 luckily my pride wouldn’t let me call or SMS after the 3rd day when I realized I was being ignored. Phuma kuye nana you don’t deserve the humiliation. Hugs

@ Nk the moment u beg and plead to be loved by anyone ur value to that person just drops immediatley,this guy is showing u via actions that he wants out.Let him breathe and go away, and allow better into ur life.

Long live Jackzorro long live!!
Lol I just like you ma guy shame, some people should just stop taking life so serious, I’ve been through what NK is going through right now and here I am laughing to Zorro’s comment and I’m sure if someone said that to me while I was still hurting over the guy ma hurting period wasn’t gonna be long

I have went through these comments as I was unable to these past few days. Work was hectic and I must admit Jack you are behaving like a brazen child and swearing? Thats extreme, this is not your blog and must learn to respect other people. If she has a smelly cunt wena odwadla vha? and who cares about how much attention you get you still sound dumb. I feel sorry for the girl you dating if you don have one. You sound like delusional freak whom thinks is the next best thing after Jesus Christ!