The 6 Types of Characters in the Walking Dead

For four seasons now the dead have been wandering across Georgia like lazy mall patrons in search of a Cinnabon. The Walking Dead is as popular as ever and new characters are constantly being added to the show as old ones fall victim to very slow zombie attacks or, as is more often the case, crazy humans. What’s become clear after all these years is that only certain types of people seem to be cut out for the zombie apocalypse. What kind is people? Have a look!

Such as: Carl, Beth, that entire family the Governor meets in the apartment building, Eugene, Lizzie, Mika, any child, really.

Why: People have been sick of Carl since the first season, and at least they got rid of his pain in the ass mother, but that hasn’t stopped a never ending stream of people who are still alive despite being surrounded on all side by cannibal corpses and mad men. How did so many little girls survive while Rick is the only cop in all of Georgia? Where are all the Ted Nugent style survivalists? The kung fu masters? The retired Black Ops soldiers? The professional wrestlers?

Such as: Darryl, Merle, Joe

Why: Obviously the Dixon brothers fit in here but they’re not the only ones. Joe, the latest character to pop up on the show with a Vegas-inspired shirt and a crew of maniacs seems to fit the bill as well, not to mention those maniacs and their bows. How many people do you know who can use a bow effectively anyway? Joe even made that point in the last episode. Only people who know how to hunt possum are good enough to roll with him.

Such as: The Governor, whoever was cutting up those rats, Carol, Rick, Joe, Carl, Michonne

Why: On the one hand it makes sense that the brutally insane have an advantage, so maybe the fact Carl seems like he’s batshit crazy is why he’s still alive after all. But doesn’t it seems like a lot of people are insane? So many people are insane we need to grade their insanity. The Governor was an unacceptable level of insane, but we’re meant to be OK with Rick’s level of talking to his dead wife and random brutality insanity. Same with Carol who occasionally lights bodies on fire. And Michonne who, since we met her, has been a lawyer with a samurai sword who removes the arms and lower jaws from zombies so she can take them for walks.

Incidentally, who did kill all those rats?

Such as: Glenn, Milton, Bob, Eugene

Why: Glenn’s presence is nothing but the physical manifestation of bafflement. Sure he’s an interesting character and probably a lot of peoples’ favorite – he’s like an everyman. He’s not insane, he has no special training, it took an apocalypse for him to find a girlfriend. But all of that makes you question how he lasted so long anyway, not to mention Woodbury’s nerd scientist and the newly added Kenny Powers look-a-like Eugene.

Such as: Maggie, Rosita

Why: It makes perfect sense that attractive people have just as much likelihood to survive the apocalypse as anyone else. We’re not complaining. We won’t even ask why Rosita dresses like she’s in the porn parody of The Walking Dead.

Such as: Anyone whose name you can’t remember, people who are kind

Why: At first glance you’d mistake this entry for that first one, people who have no business being alive, but there’s a difference. Those people you’re waiting to watch die. These people, fodder, actually will die and probably you knew it was coming. Look at poor Herschel. It was obvious from the first moment he showed up he was going to die, the man was too damn nice. These people are the Walking dead red shirts, either they never have a line so they only exist to be eaten, or they have nothing but profound lines and their time as a mentor figure needs to be cut short because the world is awful.