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Topic: Dude, is this rude? (Read 6724 times)

I tend to use "dude" more as an exclamation of sorts. I think a previous poster compared it to "hey." I normally use it to express mild irritation, as in, "Dude, look out!" or the fact that I'm impressed, "Duuuuude. That was amazing."

I don't normally use "dude" as a form of address unless I'm being a bit silly/playful. Normally, I would consider "dude" a more masculine term, but a lot of those are rather androgynous. I think of it a bit like "handsome": not what one would normally expect to be applied to a woman, but not insulting. I would be upset if my crush called me "dude," though, as it seems less affectionate and more "one of the guys." (Kiss of death unless we're an item.)

It's not used in my circle - So I would not like it. I simply would not respond because I've only seen it used in surfer or skater circles for males. I am none of those, so you couldn't possibly mean me. But I am not partial to any type diminutive for adults.

In my world, "dude" is always masculine. As a noun it substitutes for "guy" -- "There was this dude ..." As a form of address, it's a cousin to "buddy" or "man," which can be terms of endearment ("I love ya, man!") or annoyance ("Hey, buddy, watch where you're going!"). Some young adults I've heard use it almost as punctuation, as their hippie forebears did with "man," and it wouldn't occur to me to take it personally -- they're not calling *me* dude, they're just *saying* it a lot. ("We went to ___ last night. Dude, it was awesome!")

That said, it would feel very strange to be called "dude" in the setting the OP describes. For one thing, it wouldn't register on me that I was the one being addressed, since I'm female. It isn't rude, necessarily, just not very efficient. Why not use the person's name? Or if you don't know it, a combination of body language (leaning or looking in her direction) and "Sorry, I'm blanking on your name ... ."

I'm in my 50s, so that may color my judgment on this. I'll think about it some more after I shoo those kids off the lawn.

Ditto. It wouldn't occur to me that you meant me. If you're unsure I'd just go with asking her name, or "May I have the chips, please?"

Logged

If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

I realize that this is some form of laziness. If I want chips from a guy whom I don't immediately recognize, "Dude pass the chips." If it's a woman whose name I don't remember, it's easiest to just say "dude" in some generic, gender-neutral sense. That's the situation I'm asking about.

Is "dude" an acceptable stand-in for a name, from a man to a woman?

Too many variables for me to answer.

I do think it's acceptable if you know everyone in the group and this is how you normally address each other. I also think it's acceptable if this is some type of huge house party or mixer and you're never going to see these people again; but in that case, I think it's better to just say, "excuse me, do you mind passing the chips?"

For the specific situation described, I agree with the OP that it's a form of laziness. It's a woman whose name you don't remember. If she is an important person in someone's life, like your friend or your brother, then I think you should make an effort to learn her name, especially if she calls you by your name.

In my world, "dude" is always masculine. As a noun it substitutes for "guy" -- "There was this dude ..." As a form of address, it's a cousin to "buddy" or "man," which can be terms of endearment ("I love ya, man!") or annoyance ("Hey, buddy, watch where you're going!"). Some young adults I've heard use it almost as punctuation, as their hippie forebears did with "man," and it wouldn't occur to me to take it personally -- they're not calling *me* dude, they're just *saying* it a lot. ("We went to ___ last night. Dude, it was awesome!")

That said, it would feel very strange to be called "dude" in the setting the OP describes. For one thing, it wouldn't register on me that I was the one being addressed, since I'm female. It isn't rude, necessarily, just not very efficient. Why not use the person's name? Or if you don't know it, a combination of body language (leaning or looking in her direction) and "Sorry, I'm blanking on your name ... ."

I'm in my 50s, so that may color my judgment on this. I'll think about it some more after I shoo those kids off the lawn.

See for me, "man" is actually quite often a unisex word as well. Both in formal terms (mankind, when man started walking upright, man is the top of the food chain, etc - these all refer to human, not males specifically) and in casual terms - I've certainly said to a female friends "yo man! watch it you almost spilled that coffee!" or "hey man wazzz happenin', yo?" I have also gone up to groups of females or mixed company and said "hey guys".

A situation seems to come up every year during the Super Bowl. I figure I'll ask here. I'm pretty certain that etiquette forbids men from addressing women who aren't SO's as "honey," "sweetie," so forth. Except maybe in the South where it's OK.

...snip...

I am originally from California (born and raised) and heard Dude and its female version used for years and years. While I would never use it in a professional setting (and in my experience, I have never seen it used in that situation), I think it's perfectly fine to use it with close friends in a casual setting as long as everyone is comfortable with it. Early in my marriage I referred to DH that way a couple of times, but he doesn't like it, so I stopped.

But I have to say something - I have lived in the South for several years now. Why on earth would anyone get the idea that it's okay to call a non-S/O woman "Sweetie" or "Honey" or similar (without being invited to do so) because it's the South? That has NOT been okay here since the 50's!

Have you SEEN Designing Women?! Julia Sugarbaker would go ballistic if someone did that to her...in fact, I think she has....and it is so true! Any man who calls me "Sweetie" or "Honey" or other form of pet name (who is not my husband) quickly gets asked to not do that again - and if they do it again, it is no longer requested but insisted upon more firmly.

I hate, hate, hate it when anyone - male or female whom I don't know or know professionally/casually - calls me a pet name without my permission. Way too familiar. It does happen from time to time - but not just here in the South. And no, it is not ok. It is bad enough to call me by my first name right off the bat (the culture has changed so it's "standard procedure" now) and I may have to live with that, but calling me "dear" or "sweetie" or "honeybunch" when we just met? Or in some kind of business transaction? NO NO NO.

Maybe not in your circles. But I hear it all the time. And I love it when I'm called that by a waitress or someone like that (tone mattering as always, of course). I don't have a problem with it nor do I find that it's, particularly, rare.

My significant other, a man, HATES it when someone calls him dude. When someone calls him dude he immediately tells them not to call him that. I've asked him why it bothers him so much (no real reason) and tried to gently tell him that it's certainly not meant to be offensive, it's just how some people talk. As a woman, I would probably find it funny if someone called me dude, but I don't think anyone ever has.

The term is very casual, so I think it would be OK to use among friends if they are comfortable with it. I do think it would be inappropriate to approach strangers, co-workers (unless it is a casual work environment, and everybody is comfortable with it), or casual acquaintances that way. For example, I do think it would be inappropriate to say to the elderly lady accidentally blocking the door of the store, "excuse me dude, can I get through here?"

People should also be aware of the other person's reaction. For example, if a female replies "I'm not a dude" even if in a lighthearted manner, I would take that to mean she doesn't prefer to be called 'dude'.

I've heard 'dude' as unisex although I mostly think of it as a male term, but tend to hear 'guys' more often to address people of both genders.

I've never had anyone refer to me as "dude", but I don't think it would bother me in a casual setting. At work or church, yeah I might be bothered, but not enough to say anything.

The funny thing is I've taken to using "dude" when I see drivers doing stupid things. DH just about fell out of the car laughing when I called out "Dude! What is your defect?!" at the driver who cut across four lanes of traffic without looking.