September 9th, 2003

Well God, something has certainly transpired since that last entry. I don’t even remember making it. But I’m feeling some continuing form of…disappointment. OH my God. I hear you.

Disappointment. There’s that word again – only this time I am the one who is disappointed. I’m disappointed a lot, aren’t I God? Boy, everybody let’s me down, don’t they? There is not a single human being who lives up to my standards…I am constantly dis-appointed by our society, by strangers, by neighbors, by my children, by my wife, by Rex, Joanne, Bart, Jerry….there is no one who is immune to my disappointment in them!

I am disappointed in myself. I read that passage from August 12 and while I can’t remember actually making that entry – I Know the truth of what I was feeling. I feel a lesser version of it every day since my trip. I think of Allen’s words to me when I first began meeting with him: “these things are for YOU not for sharing with others…” yet I have tried desperately to bring people into it, I have given out…let me think…at least 5 copies of my…no 6 copies of my journal. At least two of them to people I would not consider very close, and one of them to John Eldredge, whom I’ve never met.

What is this leg of the journey all about, God? It feels so right to open up like I do. I want so desperately to share the deepest parts of me , but I also hear Allen’s voice, and the voice of another (who?) gently cautioning me against sharing as much as I do…

I seem to be more willing to share with those who are farther away from me? It’s like a fiendish case of the grass is greener syndrome. When I think about it, Lord, am I dropping my “Old Toys” like Brenda, in order to acquire NEW toys? DO I save up all my intimate thoughts for those I want to WIN to my side, and not share with those I have already won? Am I greedy for winning NEW intimates?

How does this relate to my sense of disappointment with others? Do I expose myself, get intimate with people, let them learn to “admire me” and have them become “fans” but then once I’ve won them, they become…what? Boring? Is it that I simply need to “win” them?

This isn’t perfectly clear, because I feel the desire to share with SOME whom I have been close to for a long time…I have not really grown “bored” of Denise or Rex or Joanne, but strangely, I do grow bored of Ned and Gil who have been “close” for only a short time. Tom has become next to irrelevant in this twisted little economy of mine.

I don’t understand the connection between my sense of disappointment with people, and my compulsion to share my deep stuff with certain people. God, I’m going to stop typing and be as quiet as I know how to. Please speak.