Cook the pasta in some water. If you don’t know how to get the gas on, just imagine it’s a large Sovereign and light it that was. If electric, purchase gloves.
When the pasta is nearly done, get a frying pan from Westgate and heat that up too. Open your Laughing Cow triangles.
Throw the wrappers in an alleyway for they are mere rubbish.
Melt down the cheesy stuff and stir in some hams. Obtain beans; throw them at Grubby Pete who has just arrived near the kitchen to ask why you’re writing his column.
If the beans don’t scare him off/satiate his hunger, go up S&S and buy a three-litre bottle of White Ace using your big brother’s expired passport as proof of age.
Check the pasta is cooked by dipping your friend’s stupid fingers in it. That’ll teach him to finger that bird you were eyeing up, the bastard!
Stir the whole sorry mess together, plonk in a bowl and announce that it is, indeed, food.

Well done. Make sure you give that fourteen-year-old bird of your a double portion; she’s eating for two now!

Perfectly accompanied by a can of Fosters and three B&H Silver.

Thanks to Mark I-Mark for this recipe. Submit yours by emailing cookingbeans[at]stneotscitizen.com

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.