Thursday Afternoon Sports Smörgåsbord

Let me be the first to insert a ball-gag on those “Bill Parcells deserves all the credit” stories that have already started making the rounds as the Dallas Cowboys’ success gets further examined by the national media. I’ll give him this: Parcells saw something in Tony Romo. (Just like Joe Simpson?) I’ll also give him this: He always was and forever will be a Hall of Fame asshole. Right, Jason Witten? When word circulated last January that Parcells was officially resigning, the coach called the tight end into his Valley Ranch office. Jason, take it from here.

“I went in there expecting some kind of sad farewell, but his message to me was that I sucked. He gave me about 15 things I needed to improve on and told me if I didn’t do them I’d always be average. I didn’t know if there’d be a hug or anything, but I didn’t see it going down like that.”

As a parting gift, Parcells did give Witten the game ball from his first win as Cowboys coach -- against the Giants on Monday Night Football in 2003 -- and even signed it. “To: Jason. From: Bill Parcells,” Witten recalls. “No ‘best of luck’ or anything. It was a little strange.” ...

I knew it was going to happen, and last Sunday it finally did. Nobody else see it? Big Brother impacted an NFL game. Can’t believe I can’t find it on YouTube, and since I don’t have the sophistication to take video from my TiVo and post on Unfair Park, you’ll have to trust me. But: Cowboys’ ball, second and five from their 30-yard line, 6:50 remaining in the first quarter. Tony Romo drops back and has his pass deflected at the 25 by Detroit Lions defensive lineman Shaun Rogers. The ball sails high in the air, back over Romo’s head to Dallas’ 15 and -- I swear -- right on top of Fox’s robotic camera that glides over the field. Most players lost track of the ball, which skipped off the device and landed harmlessly at the 10. But wonder what the ruling would’ve been had Rogers been under the ball waiting for an easy interception, only to have the carom lead to an incompletion or even a completion? I guess we’d treat it like the goal post (automatic incompletion) or the ceiling of a baseball pop fly (automatic ground-rule double). The shots from the camera are priceless, but … just wait, it’ll happen again ...

”The Mitchell Report” hits baseball before Christmas, possibly even tomorrow. Unlike All-Star Games, our Rangers should be well-represented. Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, David Segui and Garry Mathews Jr. have been linked to steroid use one way or another ...

The Mavs, who play in Toronto tonight, are flying under the radar and that’s good. But, while you weren’t paying attention, point guard Devin Harris had his play-calling privileges revoked by coach Avery Johnson, and that’s bad. “I think it kind of stunted his offensive game,” says Johnson. “So I’m taking back the reins.” ...

Hmm, whatever happened to David Jacobs? You remember him, right? Amazing how 12-1 will sweep shit under the rug ...

Somehow there still isn’t a revenue-generating www.tonyromo.com. In this age of cyber-shopping in the land of capitalism and the quarterback’s jersey being the No. 1 seller in the NFL, hard to believe someone is so missing this boat ...

Hello, Miles Austin. Goodbye, Tyson Thompson ...

I was flipping around NFL’s Sunday Ticket smörgåsbord last weekend and, for some weird reason, landed momentarily on Bengals-Rams. Saddest part of the most meaningless of games was the announcer ...

One minute Bobby Petrino is coaching the Atlanta Falcons on Monday Night Football, and the next he’s introduced as Arkansas’ head coach. Yet, somehow, SMU still doesn’t have a replacement for Phil Bennett? My money remains on former Texas A&M boss Dennis Franchione. I might have read it in his VIP Connection newsletter. Or it might just be a hunch ...

The update on Catholic Chaos is that, inexplicably, there’s no update. Despite documented inconsistencies, seemingly customized rules and an obvious dividing of the house among area Catholics, Dallas Diocese spokeswoman Annette Gonzales-Taylor reports that no tweaking, much less tangible changes, are forthcoming. “The bishop read the story and looked into the matter,” Gonzales-Taylor said last week. “But there’s no action to be taken.” Really? Now you know how the Dallas Parochial League got into this situation in the first place. --Richie Whitt