Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Truth In Advertising.

I'll start by saying that I know nothing about other things described by the Chinese, but Stinky Tofu is exactly that. The name alone can not begin to prepare you for the pervading, all encompassing Tsunami of Stink that a serving of Stinky Tofu brings to a room.

Let me get this out of the way because it's bursting to get out of me like the monster in Alien.

OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. I picked up John at the subway in Greenwich Village and we made our way to Flushing. Arriving at the restaurant, we were, of course, served tea with the menus. Very pleasant. Here's John pouring. (Note to John: Do not give up current day job in hopes of pursuing a career as a hand model. You take direction like shit.)

I had a little trouble deciding what to order. There were many animal parts on the menu that I don't think should ever see a kitchen. Tell the truth. If you're ordering something with frog in it, do you really give a shit whether or not the garlic is fresh?

Eventually, we placed our order. When ordering the Stinky Tofu, John ordered in Chinese. He said he had done so to prevent the waitress from thinking he didn't know what he was ordering. I'm not sure how ordering Stinky Tofu by saying "Stinky Tofu" could be taken as not knowing what you're ordering. It's not like the English version is "Aromatic Soy Goodness" or "Heaven Scent Protein Broth". It's fucking Stinky Tofu. Also, and I'll come back to this, but if the waitress had thought he didn't know what he was ordering, he'd have provided a much needed out that would have come in handy later.

While waiting for food to arrive, John overheard the waitresses speaking in Chinese to each other. One of the other waitresses said to our waitress, "The white boys ordered that?" This tickled John quite a bit.

Anyway, I kind of expected the meal to go like this:

-Stinky Tofu arrives.-Nathan and John take turns sampling Stinky Tofu and taking pictures of the event.-Stinky Tofu is politely returned almost intact.-Real food arrives and John and Nathan enjoy a pleasant lunch.

My expectations, sadly, were not met. And in hindsight, I'll acknowledge that this might have been a good thing.

Our real food arrived first. Who knew that so much more work goes into preparing Stinky Tofu than normal food. Maybe they have to wait for the specially trained Stinky Tofu Chef to arrive. Maybe nobody else in the kitchen is willing to touch the stuff. I don't know. The real food came first.

John had something with shrimp.

Mine was chicken. It was good. I ate a fair amount of it before the Stinky Tofu's arrival...and the departure of all further appetite.

TA DA...Stinky Tofu.John and MWT have both taken turns at describing the smell as emanating from various farm animals' droppings; of it being soaked in cat piss before being lightly grilled. These are both accurate and do not do it justice. This is tofu fermented in shrimp brine and some other things that you really are supposed to throw away instead of rotting other food in it. The missing descriptor of the smell is that during the fermenting process, the folks from the village regularly stop by to soak their feet in the fermenting vat. Yeah, that smell is feet. But noooooo! They're not satisfied with serving something that just reeks to fucking high hell. It comes with a little brazier under a broth filled bowl. Yeah, it's just steaming for better stink distribution.

OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

When Stinky Tofu arrives, it quietly announces itself to the entire restaurant. There was one other white guy at the table next to us and you could see his nose try to crawl into his face. Even Chinese people looked a little annoyed. So the reason the order of preceedings might have been good is that, at least, I got to eat half my meal.

John missed the moment of truth on me by at least a second. I took one cube of the stuff, chopped it in half, placed this ungodly creation in my mouth and seriously gagged before chocking it down. Drank Coke. Nope, that doesn't get rid of it. Tea. Nope, taste still there. Luckily, the chicken was rather spicy and that removed the taste. But the stink was still sitting there 18 inches in front of me bubbling away.

OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

John actually ate 8 peices of the stuff. He had discovered that the rest of the food there is good and since he frequents this neighborhood, he didn't want them to feel insulted by us leaving the Stinky Tofu almost untouched. John, this is where it might have come in handy for them to have just assumed we were stupid Americans ordering cluelessly.

OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

I kept hinting that maybe we could get the stuff to go away, but John just moved it a little away from us down the table. I'm fairly certain we could have sent it to Iowa and still have been haunted by it.

OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

John left the table for a minute after the stuff left. He claimed he just wanted to wash up. Sure.

Three last things to end this with.

1. John says his wife claims it doesn't taste as bad as it smells. A.) How could it taste as bad as it smells? and B.) How can you tell?

2. A couple of you have been taking too much glee out of this whole thing. If you don't know who you are, you'll be finding out soon enough...and then you'll surely tell everyone else about it.

3. OMG, THIS STUFF IS SO FUCKING HORRIBLE I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT.

P.S. When I got home this evening, I told GF that if she felt I was due another moratorium on language, it could just fucking wait until tomorrow.

So, who's up for a road trip to have dinner with Nathan and I in the City?

Michelle?

And whadday mean men? My wife eats this slop voluntarily and not as a joke. Our was about 1/4 the smell of the stuff she had in Taiwan that was fried and then boiled in the damn fermentation brine. Talk about stink.

So, who's up for a road trip to have dinner with Nathan and I in the City? Me! Pick me!

John, next time take Nathan to sample balut :) My very favorite Chief's initiation food (and yes, I have eaten it, and stinky tofu as well. I gagged my ass off, but I dammed well ate it. And drank an entire bottle of Nukemom fish sauce too! HoofuckingRAH!)

Fergoshsakes, I don't eat brains; I just treat them. I don't even poke around inside them (no getting hands dirty). As for food that smells better than it tastes -- coffee is one. I love the way it smells, drink a cup daily (adulterated with milk and sugar), but I still think it doesn't taste anywhere near as yummy as it smells.

I'd be game to meet up with you guys in NYC some day, as long as stinky tofu or similar foods are not on the menu...

OK, Nathan's site has been crashing IE all day and I've been busy the last 4 days. But even if late to the party, I want to answer a few questions:

1. The stink was about 1/4 strength of the stuff in Taiwan. But it WAS right in front of our noses, so that was just as well.

2. In that respect, this stuff DID taste (and have a texture) worse than it smelled. The stuff I had in Taiwan had been fried, then boiled. The frying makes a sponge-like consistency out of the tofu, which kind of counteracts the taste. To be fair to the wife, the stuff in Taiwan did not taste quite as bad as it smelled. This stuff in Flushing was firm, boiled tofu, and the taste of rotted lettuce and putrefying yogurt was only accentuated by the texture. It was like eating zombie flesh. The taste of this stuff about matched what I would have expected from the smell of the stuff in Taiwan - or worse. It was truly the worst tasting Tsou Dofu THIS white boy has ever had.

3. I could have ordered this slop straight, but instead I ordered the Ma Li Tsou Dofu - Stinky Tofu in Chili Sauce. As Nathan mentioned, the chili sauce does reduce the taste a bit. A bit. Nathan got off easy, there.

4. I ordered the prize entreeo in Chinese in case the waitress thought that the white boy did not comprehend the true nature of Tsou Dofu. She could easily have thought "dumb Americans, they won't notice if I substitute Bean Curd Home Style". Then Nathan would not have gotten the true, authentic experience. And we could not have THAT happening, could we?

And finally, the white boy at the table next to us eventually broke down and asked us just what the HELL was in that stuff. Nathan forgot that part. He was the only other Gweilo customer in the place, and I wonder if he's ever going back? :D

Nathan -- I hear ya, bro. I can learn from other people's experiences as well as my own. In this case, I'll learn from yours.

John -- I'd love to have dinner with you as long as you don't expect me to eat tofu in any form. Zombie flesh just about covers it from my POV -- I can't stand the consistency of tofu. Taste hasn't been an issue, since I've never been exposed to tofu a la weird (e.g., stinky). My brother (during his vegan phase) tried to serve me tofu in tomato sauce with spaghetti. Yuck. If you want to get together, email me at neuronmom at yahoo dot com.

OK, the fact that is was boiled tofu turns me stomach even worse. I like tofu dishes--that are fried. There is a definite texture change that move the substance from, as John put it, "zombie flesh" to "squishy chicken".

That's an actually quote. The GAs and workstudies who worked at night used to order Chinese all the time. One night a WS said, "this chicken is squishy!" It was tofu, so now tofu is usually referred to around here as squishy chicken.

It's UCFish, Yes It Is.

Oh Nooooooooeeeeeees!

About Me

I make my living as a Location Manager on movies and TV shows. Sometimes I write about that. Mostly I write about whatever I feel like at the moment.
I'd say the blog is eclectic, but that would be a lie. It's just a manifestation of my Attention Deficit Disorder.