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Girl interupted

Well-known member

Through therapy, and it took a long long time, I uncovered sexual exploitation from an ex boyfriend. It took a lot for me to face it, there are levels of shame similar to those of being raped. I had buried it quite deeply, and it took the better part of a year to work through it.

But it opened the door for other narratives. One that I am actively avoiding because I’m terrified it’s a false memory.

I have vague fog like memories of being sexually abused as a child. I have bounced from theory to theory, but I keep coming back to my father.

I am currently his only caregiver after my NPD abusive mom passed away last November. I have felt nothing but relief since her passing. My father is frail and fading, and I keep promising my therapist I’ll address it after he passes.

Why?

Because it’s a huge accusation. And what if it wasn’t him? What if my brain is creating this and there’s no truth to it? I cannot be brave enough to do something about it now.

And coupled with fear of abandonment issues, even a bad parent is better than no parent. He was absent in my childhood, not engaged, did not protect me. I am struggling with anger about that. But I do the best I can to take care of him because he is so weak.

But I wondered if any of you have experienced this? Your brain convinces you of trauma that did not happen?

I need to talk this out and find out if my brain is screwing with me, even though my heart already knows the answer.

SunnyDaze

Well-known member

I don't have BPD but I do have PTSD and can really relate to your fears of false memories.I think it's fairly common to think and feel that way when it's something so huge to even allow yourself to consider might be real.

dewey

Well-known member

I'm sorry. What you wrote must have taken a lot of strength, and equally I admire your strength and willingness to help your father in his frailty despite his misgivings.
I don't have the experience of foggy memories coming up that had been repressed but there are definitely instances of abuses of various kinds, including sexual, which I hadn't initially considered as abuse because my mind told me they were normal and coming to terms with that in therapy was bizarre. In fact even now I think I struggle to face up to the fact that those were bad things that happened to me, and I should be angry about them, rather than just accepting them as the way things are, the way life is. That normalization thing is terrible. Also to be mistreated by someone you love or are in a relationship with and not recognise it as dehumanising and then later realise it.
I'm so sorry that you are in distress about this. It is awful and I hope that I can offer you in whatever small way some support.

Oh dear. Yeah. Drinking, though enticing in the moment, tends to make things much worse for me and not just short term but for many days afterwards. I can see why you wanted to but I wouldn't recommend you do that again right now. There are better pick me ups.
Hope you can find some cool programmes to watch or books to read to take your mind off stuff.

G

Girl interupted

Well-known member

i went through the entire weekend feeling quite unstable for the first time since my mom’s passing. I could see glimpses of that big, dark, bottomless pit that is depression and contributes to feelings of paranoia, anger and despair. I find it incredibly hard to climb up those walls after I’ve sunk in. The depression blankets me and smothers me. It impacts my concentration at work and strikes me silent. The anger from all this feels uncontainable, hair trigger.

I cannot ever talk about this again. Not in therapy, not here. It terrifies me.

dewey

Well-known member

i went through the entire weekend feeling quite unstable for the first time since my mom’s passing. I could see glimpses of that big, dark, bottomless pit that is depression and contributes to feelings of paranoia, anger and despair. I find it incredibly hard to climb up those walls after I’ve sunk in. The depression blankets me and smothers me. It impacts my concentration at work and strikes me silent. The anger from all this feels uncontainable, hair trigger.

I cannot ever talk about this again. Not in therapy, not here. It terrifies me.

Yes, once you're in the dark place it's hard to just snap back out. The dark feelings are overwhelming .
And yes, some topics are so hard to talk about in therapy, there is a huge natural barrier to them. They're taboo and feel impossible to speak about.
But you shouldn't feel any pressure to talk about what's happened. If you need it to be your own thing, that's okay. And if you want to be able to talk about it, at some point, that's okay too.
Just go at your own pace with this.

Poppy2014

Well-known member

Hi Girl xx (some very triggering content relating to paedophilia)
Memories are hard and now you've let it out it's never going to away until you discuss it.
I know exactly how hard it is to bring the memory you have to the table.
One of my memories involved me thinking I saw my dad and brother naked. I hid that memory for years as my dad was my hero, he was the person who told me to get an education.
When i finally crashed 2008, one of the memories that came out in therapy was this vague memory. But I knew it was important.
I just didn't realise how bad it really was.
My therapist allowed me to talk about my fear in a safe space and gave me the strength to tackle the issue.
After my therapist told me the only way I would ever know was to talk to my mum.
She told me that my dad liked teenage boys, and had been having sex with my older brother for 4 years, (surprisingly the same number years my older brother had been abusing me).
She also told me my dad told her the night i had seen him. They as a pair decided that they would not separate as mum did not want to be a single mum of 3. So they agreed that dad would stop abusing my brother, but because my brother had told dad was abusing me that they would allow this to continue he wasnt really hurting anyone if it was just me. And by allowing this they weren't at risk of him going to the police.
Its hard but therapy has allowed me to "care" for my mum as she is ill, while still maintaining some semblance of sanity.
Good luck, but don't hide it, talk it xxx

Girl interupted

Well-known member

Oh Poppy. That is utterly devastating, I’m so sincerely sorry this happened to you. Thank you for sharing, that was very brave.

Dewey, thank you again for your kindness and support. I hope to do the same for you when you are low. Xo

My issue is that with the sexual exploitation with my ex boyfriend, I had one vivid memory of waking up mid-assault; the drugs he had slipped into my drink didn’t work that time, and that was enough to open up what I had buried quite deeply. It was horrible, humiliating and painful. And it took me the better part of a year to let go of it. Yet I would keep returning to it, even after figuring it out in therapy. Once discussed, it did not go away. There was so much anger.

With my childhood issue, it’s more vague. I have one very strong memory of my parents car, then overwhelming feelings of fear that “feel” ‘s tied to sexual abuse. The ex boyfriend issue happened 20 years ago, the childhood one four decades. And I have learned I’m exceptionally skilled at burying the details.

Coupled with my father viewing me more as an object than a person, and always feeling overly modest around him.

And intellectually it would help explain how I fell victim to my ex boyfriend, that I had been groomed from childhood and was predisposed.

Whatever happened though did not continue into my teenage years. So that leads to confusion about whether the memory is false.

And if the fallout of exploring this is only a glimpse of what I went through this past weekend, I wonder if some things are best left buried. Particularly when I don’t have a choice in taking care of him right now.

Poppy2014

Well-known member

Hi,
There are a lot of thoughts that spring to mind when I read your "reasoning" I had a lot of similar ones. I want you to know you are not alone, and when I can write about them sensibly I'll get back to you.
Just had a bit of decompression therapy, and I'm a bit fragile.
You take care, and no poking the tigers, let the thoughts sleep for now xxx

dewey

Well-known member

I do believe that blocking things out is a mechanism designed to protect us and my instinct tells me maybe it's worth respecting that a little. I don't know if what I've said is out of line, but though it's good to address issues we have, yes, also bear in mind we also need to protect and preserve ourselves. We are our own guardians, our own parents, our own protectors.
As we know, it's all too easy to dive into the dark place when faced with dark memories. It's only natural. But we have a responsibility to ourselves, out of self love, to re-gain our focus to self-loving, self-appreciating thoughts. The hell I know it's hard when you're in an almost addictive cycle of despair.
It's definitely admirable that it sounds like you have a willingness to want to come to terms with the past, which shows strength and honesty with yourself, but make sure you're getting in self care and living in the present too. I know these are big things we are talking about here, and I fully respect that.
I am glad to be here for you, and I'm sure the other people on this thread are. We can hold some space for you here, our presence may be a small thing compared with what you are going through, but we are here holding the space until you naturally learn to guide yourself back to your lighter, nurturing side and give the same compassion you give to others to yourself. It's a side that's there, I know, I've seen it in past help and support you've given me.

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