Friday, July 18, 2008

Weightless

This picture is how I feel when I think about my vacation, which begins at 5pm today. I can imagine spinning around on that swing carousel (what are those things called?) and looking out over the horizon - and no work, none, nada - just waking up, cooking breakfast for E-rock and Judge and figuring out what to do with our day. The library, the park, swimming, sitting in our fantastic back yard...

Having such a sweet pad right now is a blessing and a curse. We know the only reason we have it is because MF isn't around anymore. It stinks, and we think about it with each thing we unpack. I know it will lessen as we get settled in, but I can't shake the knowledge that we owe our happiness to him right now, and that gives us guilt.

But life goes on and I'm aware enough to know that it's the natural part of grief and self-doubt to wonder if we're supposed to be there. I know the answer is yes, we are, still I worry. But I worry a lot.