Saturday, 28 January 2017

You Control Your Future Woes

So it happened again. A man from my past contacted me to tell me that he's been thinking about me. This is someone I was romantic with and then friends with for a dozen years. I consider him a friend still. However, the me that I am today sees through all of that now. Whatever the hell that is.

The ball was left in my court, his cell number left in my email. I was to text him soon. To be honest with you, having been with my hunni for over nine years, the mere thought of what this old friend could want, left me with an empty pit in my stomach. In one brief online encounter via the 1's & 0's of digital communication, I realized that being emotionally faithful to someone you love isn't done for them. It's done for you.

Theories abound supporting the belief that guilt causes cancer. I know for a fact that it causes stomach issues that can potentially lead to ulcers and other daily hindrances like locked bowels. Guilt is stressful and stress can lead to depression. Depression can affect the appetite and we're back to the stomach acid again. Guilt sucks.

Now, being older and wiser I realize concretely that I can control whether or not I suffer from this tragic human affliction. I used to do and deal with it later. Or not deal with it. But hating yourself for doing the wrong thing is engineering dis-ease in my opinion.

As for the guy, I did consider texting him. If only to tell him how awesome my life is now. When I told him I'm a Cannabis Counsellor, he just said "oh". We used to partake together way back when. Here's the kicker though, and the thing that's left me so proud of my now clear vision ... he never once asked me if I was single, or happy, or looking to reconnect. He merely dropped his pile of sentimental vagueness on my lap and in my head with no regard for how it would affect me. That's some shitty shit right there. If I were in his shoes, I hope to Goddess I'd have the decency to think about the mental well-being of the person I've been thinking about lately.

And I hold no bitterness, truly I don't. But it's nonsense and it's drumming to distract me from the path that pulls me now. A test perhaps and I'm FINALLY acing tests again! Who knew? I've proven that you can teach an old dog new tricks. You can change your gullibility and your inability to speak up and out when needed. So many mistakes are made simply because we cannot find our voice. Or our gumption. Or the bravery to stand alone in the crowd. Or the courage to rock the boat. Thing is, if we're smart we eventually say fuck the boat and we learn to swim.

Alone is only in your head y'know, we are one, we are all connected. Shitty shit changes us and sometimes we don't correct the navigation in time before something drastic happens. Life is hard. But we control so much of it, I see this now. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to the rescue! CBT, love, forgiveness, and peace of mind. Or maybe it's the Wolf brain coming through, that basic mammal who's instinct now tells it to preserve thyself. Your future is in your own control if you feed the good wolf.*