What do you get when you bring six dysfunctional couples together (minus one Luis), dress them up, then let them openly judge one another’s abysmal choices in life? Yes, it’s time for the 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Couples Tell All, part one!Shaun Robinson is back to host/mediate the madness, and we are here to eat our popcorn and watch how long it takes for Jorge to start lying his eyebrows clean off.

Before the cast is assembled on the couch, the drama begins. Paola, who came HARD for Anfisa last year – calling her an ugly mail-order bride – decides to apologize to Anfisa backstage for the sake of appearances. But when she approaches Anfisa Of The Dead Shark Eyes, Paola has no idea what she’s in for – because homegirl just flat out ignores her before brushing right past her without a word! Immediately, Paola starts popping off about what a b*tch Anfisa is and how she’s “not going to beg anyone for forgiveness.” (Um…you might want to rethink this first move, Pao. This is not going to end well for anyone not named Anfisa.) Thus, this disaster of a reunion begins…

At least Molly is happy to be there without “the narcissistic turd” she married, although she’s not sure if he’ll pop up in that Space Jam shirt just to scare the sh*t out of her. While Annie gets very severe makeup applied to her face, Pedro and David take bets backstage on whether they should pop an owl in their pocket for protection just in case. Nicole and Azan are Skyping in from Morocco, which is good news because “technical difficulties” can conveniently pop up if Azan starts getting grilled a bit too hard.

Shaun begins a rundown on how much the couples “fought for their marriages,” or in Pedro and Chantel’s case, straight up fought. After a montage of this season’s kookiest moments, Shaun turns to the hottest dumpster fire of all: The Family Chantel. Chantel still blames Pedro for the brawl heard around the world, but Pedro (correctly) points out that The Family Chantel started the drama.

They still believe Pedro is harvesting the American dollar. Side note: They also still believe “harvesting the American dollar” is a thing. Chantel likes to believe everything would be fine if Pedro just got along with her family, despite them wanting to investigate him. Ummmm…okay. Chantel even says she and Pedro are putting having a baby on hold because of their family strife. Well – that, and because they maybe don’t want the baby to come out sporting a very tiny cowboy hat like grandma? Just a thought.

Anfisa and Jorge give us an update: They’ve apparently been reading Hallmark cards and are now reciting lines about “second chances” and “eternal love” to convince us all that they’re hunky dory. Jorge also says he’s 100% sure he’s not the father of his ex-girlfriend’s child. No one comments, and their silence speaks volumes. #YouAreTheFather

But Anfisa can relate to Pedro, as her relationship with Jorge’s family is as bad or worse than Pedro’s is with The Family Chantel. Just because no weaves have been yanked entirely out of anyone’s head yet doesn’t mean it’s a better scenario.

Molly admits that Luis made her feel crazy and that her life with him seems disgusting now. Plot twist! Luis has been talking to other cast members about his plight: David and Pedro. Whaaaaaaaa? Apparently, Luis has been claiming he’s a victim of domestic violence (which would help his case to stay in the country). Molly’s eyes roll so far back in her head, she can hardly stay upright. She does confess that she slapped Pedro’s phone that she pays for out of his hand one time when he was trolling porn sites.

After a flashback to the halcyon early days of their love – like when Anfisa used to shut Jorge’s phone down all the way from Russia – Shaun asks Russ and Paola how things have changed. Russ, whose hair is EVEN WORSE than before (if you can believe it), feels like they’ve grown a lot. But their acting classes have obviously not paid off.

Then, because we have not been tortured enough, we are subjected to updates on everyone’s sex life. Annie lets us know how the BOOM BOOM is going with David, which leaves us all a bit more traumatized than we were five seconds ago. <hold me> Nicole and Azan talk about their fictional sexytimes, claiming that they both initiate sex equally. If by “equally,” Azan means that he successfully escapes via the window about 50% of the time, then okay.

In a special pop up “appearance,” Jorge’s (unnamed) ex-girlfriend calls in to put Jorge on blast for never reaching out to her after their conversation on camera. She also claims she’s been asking Jorge to get a paternity test for TEN YEARS, but he’s refused/evaded/denied every step of the way. “Uh, I just never got around to it,” Jorge stupidly mumbles. To be fair, guys – he’s been really busy lately illegally trafficking drugs, sitting in jail, and breathing through his mouth. Anfisa just thinks this chick wants money, but the ex says no. She just wants Jorge to admit the truth. #NeverGonnaHappen

What is going to happen is DIVORCE if Jorge does end up being the father, at least that what Anfisa says. Molly is shocked to hear this, but Jorge accepts his fate. Russ and Paola also hop in to judge Anfisa for being so cold, but they obviously don’t know who they’re dealing with. We think Erika Jayne gives zero f**ks? NOPE. Anfisa is the poster child for giving absolutely, positively zero f**ks.

Alright, it’s time to dive into the trash barrel of Nicole and Azan’s relationship! They still don’t have clear answers on why Azan’s K1 visa was denied except that he is a known con artist.

Before Azan can flee the scene or unplug the webcam, Annie and David are on the hot seat next. David’s daughter, Ashley, Skypes in to talk about what a lousy father David has been. And although Annie has put forth a lot of effort in getting to know her, David is still acting like a neglectful, selfish a-hole. Annie did hurt Ashley’s feelings when she talked smack about her “breeding like a rabbit” with different baby daddies.

Despite Ashley’s feelings, Annie has no regrets. “It’s honest,” she shrugs. “You don’t know one f**king thing about me!” shouts Ashley, who has more dirt on Annie than Annie has on her. “We know how she met dad,” says Ashley, which…yeah. WE ALL DO. For some reason though, Annie is still sticking to her “karaoke bar” story, come what may. David says Chris’s wife (Nikki) told David’s kids that David met Annie in…ahem…a ping pong bar. But David vehemently denies it, so it must be true! HAHAHAHAHA.

Next, David bawls his eyes out when Ashley says she still loves him despite his pathetic ways. But Annie, despite loving David’s boom-boom ass, can’t live on love alone. Nor can she live above a storage unit facility with only a hot plate to keep her warm at night. She’s heading back to Thailand if David can’t clean up his act soon, which should begin with purchasing significantly larger khakis.

In the weirdest moment yet, Anfisa and Paola nearly come to blows out of nowhere. Here’s the scene: While David drones on about something, production motions for Jorge to join them backstage. Paola tries to get Anfisa’s attention about it, which bizarrely inspires Anfisa to flip her off. In less than three seconds, the women are screaming at each other to “shut up!” and “behave!” until Anfisa just jumps up and rushes at Paola like a rhino on a mission. Everyone hauls her off easily because, uh, this looked like the phoniest sh*t I’ve EVER seen on a reunion stage. And I watch every season of every city of Real Housewives.

As Shaun realizes she’s lost all control of this zoo, Anfisa tells Pao to “stay in her lane” and stop talking sh*t about her nonstop. Pao takes this as her cue to march dramatically off stage. This is Paola’s moment to shine, ya’ll. She’s been waiting for the light to shine on her all season, and here it is. Too bad most of us (okay, I’ll speak for myself) would rather watch David struggle through another awkward job interview than listen to Pao whine to ROSS backstage about how mistreated she is. Girl, even production is bored with your trifling arse. SIT DOWN. (And disable your phone…just in case.)

In unrelated backstage drama, David calls Luis to offer advice. Because David giving Luis marital advice is like my dog consulting with my cat on best practices for secretly sh*tting in the basement. It’s just too wrong on too many levels.

Once reassembled, we wrap up with the financial shadiness surrounding Nicole and Azan’s relationship. Azan never plans on working, despite Nicole claiming otherwise. Since she’s a dim as a doornail, Nicole plans on staying in Morocco for a year while Azan sits on his behind, waiting for her to figure out what paperwork will finally human traffic a husband back to the States. Good plan! Until then, she hopes he won’t be calling his other eight girlfriends up asking them for “good kisses.” Barely able to contain his laughter as he watches the flashbacks of his awful behavior, Azan just sighs and chirps that “it will all be okay!”

Shaun asks Azan a series of questions: Does he have women all over the world sending him money? Does he have a girlfriend in Morocco who he’s secretly hoping to bring to the U.S? Who was that woman he called in the incriminating voicemail? As always, Azan has no answers. And even more pathetically, Nicole still doesn’t care. She wants to marry this guy no matter what. After all, he IS attracted to her 55% percent!

Even these dimwits on the couches can’t believe how FRAUDED (shout out, Danielle!) Nicole is getting. But they obviously don’t understand the shallow pool of reality in which Nicole wades. Her delusion knows no bounds, much like her hatred of vegetables…and camels…and exercise…and vacuuming.

After Paola’s suuuuuuuper thirsty friend, Juan, calls in (and which I refuse to comment on), Paola whines about how Juan is such a “huge” part of her life. There might be a little life left in poor ole’ Russ yet because she just says, “Oh shut UP” when Pao drones on and on about her “struggle.” Lol! RUSS FOR THE WINNNNN! Oh, that felt good.

Molly is also feeling good about kicking Luis out, who she thinks is a porn-addicted piece of sh*t. David sees nothing wrong with Luis sitting around the house all day trolling the internet for cheap thrills. David also feels compelled to school Molly on financial responsibility (when she complains about supporting Luis for 10 years) and comment on the pillars of responsible parenting, which is the height of irony. Oh, David. We’re gonna need you to swallow a heaping helping of STFU right about now, mmmkay? DAMN!

Sadly, Molly doesn’t quite grasp the significant damage she’s done to her daughters by bringing Luis into their lives. When Olivia joins Molly on stage to discuss their issues, Molly still denies that she put a man before her kids. We all know otherwise though. And Shaun knows all about Molly’s new man, who is basically Luis 2.0 (if you’ve seen him on Instagram, you know what I mean…). Olivia is just as suspicious of her mom’s new relationship as she was of her old one, so she doesn’t plan on moving back in anytime soon. GAWD. This is as depressing as it gets.

Oh wait, it gets worse! Because now we get to revisit Jorge’s lies AND hear advice from David the numbnut again! Paola piles on to attack Anfisa for being a terrible person, which only serves to rope Russ and Jorge into the steaming sh*t pile. “Don’t talk to my wife like that!” threatens Jorge when Russ tells Anfisa that she thinks she’s better than everyone else. Sigh. Please give it a rest, dudes. Since Russ and Jorge are both basically married to different versions of the same money grubbing so-n-so’s, they should call a truce and just ride off into the desert together. From what I hear, Jorge is going to be spending a fair amount of time there in the very near future anyway (behind bars).