She didn’t even like bushwalking before she met him. She would much rather have done something indoors – go to a play, see an art show, sit and talk for hours over coffee. But then he came along, all outdoorsy and eager and adventurous, and suddenly they were trekking through the backwoods of New Zealand, camping atop blustery mountains, freshwater fishing and posting photo after photo of their rugged adventures on Facebook for all her friends to see.

Problem being said ‘friends’ were no longer seen in the flesh. She ditched them along with the theatres and the galleries and the long hours in cafes. They were out of place in the new habitat she was creating. She’d changed her colours to suit her new mate. Anything, and anyone, that did not match was wiped out.

It wasn’t for the first time. Before the bushwalker was the artist. Before the artist was the scientist. And before it was boyfriends, her best friends set the tone. She had always tried to blend into her surroundings. She’d always tried to make herself something that she wasn’t. Something she thought someone else wanted her to be.

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But what did she want?

This is the question at the heart of the Relationship Chameleon. The people who shift the surface layer of their ‘self’ to appear as though they’ve always belonged. In actual fact, they’ve never belonged anywhere. They don’t belong because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know this because they’re a mystery to themselves.

So the RC is drawn to strong personalities; people with enough identity to share.

And so they are also drawn to strong social concepts; concepts like marriage that give them a label, and a tribe.

You see this sometimes when bloke becomes groom, and then starts to ‘do husband’. Suddenly, it seems, they slip on a new ring and a new skin. One that keeps them at home on weekends, deferring party invitations, and behaving in a way that seems out of character, and out of step with the sort of man their mates thought they wanted to be.

And there’s the tricky part – in the wild chameleons change colour to survive. The chameleon's ability to appear part of tree or a leaf or anything else around them is a marvellous and essential evolutionary development. Yet a chameleon is no less a chameleon just because they appear to be something they’re not.

In that case, is a relationship chameleon really a cause for concern? Or are they simply doing what needs to be done in order to survive?

It’s true that the way we are is informed by the people in our lives. It’s also true that our partners – the people we value most – will bring out aspects of our personality otherwise overlooked. Ideally, our relationships make us better people because they encourage us to be more than what we would be alone.

In this sense, there’s nothing wrong with taking on some of your lover’s interests, or quirks, or patterns of thought. There’s also nothing wrong with evolving your outlook and behaviour to match a new stage in your life. It’s fine and acceptable that someone may change slightly after making a significant commitment to a relationship, through marriage or children for example.

But there is something very wrong when the changes are more than slight. For it would be very wrong if a chameleon stopped changing colours so it might better match all the other changeless creatures in the animal kingdom. Thus it would be very wrong if a person stopped being who they really were to better match someone else. It would be worse still if they never sought to be themselves in the first place.

Having a well developed sense of identity is vital to relationship success. Without it, the chance of waking up one morning feeling totally lost and confused and isolated is greatly increased. And, if you’re not already lost before you begin your love affair, there’s a good chance you may be consumed by it. This is dangerous and unhealthy. Yes, you’re creating a partnership, but effective partnerships ideally require two independent, effective people.

162 comments

“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”-- Kurt Vonnegut

Commenter

Frank MacGill

Location

Queensland

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 12:39AM

"You've got to be a chameleon"

Dr. Phil

Commenter

swinging voter

Location

kay Feeney's place

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 9:52AM

And women are born actors. Often so good they believe are parts they are playing.

Commenter

Dave

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 10:20AM

Add"we don't want to be loved for who we are, we want to be loved for who we pretend to be."

Commenter

Jill

Location

pro spock

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 10:45AM

One of my favourite quotes, by one of my favourite writers :)

Commenter

April

Location

Darlinghurst

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 12:43PM

Agreed. “Colors” need not be the same to make a good match. They only need to compliment each other. Too much of the same thing can wash out the relationship, become boring or lack a sense of authenticity. Must watch out for the "bait and switch".

Commenter

all heart

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 4:39AM

nicely said.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 9:08AM

We do alter aspects of ourselves in relationships, it is part of the argy-bargy of life. But when we subsume a character that is so alien, we will lose ourselves and one cannot be happy. In Shakespeare's Hamlet, Polonius gives his son some sensible advice as he embarks for Wittenburg : "To thine own self be true". My mother in law has always been one of those people who will do anything to please someone else at her own expense. It is only when she is supported by another that she may stand her ground. My husband has become her advocate because it has been apparent to him that all her life she has lived by compromise and in that, has lost her sense of who she really is. She's now 89 and beginning to find her feet and voice. I guess you are never too old to learn!

Commenter

Been married for 31 years

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 12:05PM

problem with the chameleon is their superficial camouflage, they'll blend nicely in against any backdrop BUT they'll also strike when you least expect.chameleon's are deceitful by nature and therefore almost impossible to trust, after all, what is their true personality?i've been in a relationship with one, superficial appearance and behavior always impeccable but when you got bellow skin deep and spotted hints of the true personality then the character defects were huge.

Commenter

Victorious Painter

Date and time

April 26, 2013, 6:43AM

My mother was the perfect chameleon. She was liked by everyone and her behaviour was always impeccable around others. VP, you summed it up well when you said she could "strike when you least expect" it. She did.And the issue of trust is interesting too. I do not trust either of my parents. They are more concerned about pleasing their peers than they are about truly being interested in my needs.If you were to ask my mother if she is happy, the answer is sadly NO.