In the news recently there have been many reports of the two convicted murderers who escaped from an “escape proof” prison using power tools to cut through metal walls and pipes.

It has been shown that a female supervisor over one of the trades inside the prison was involved with the escape

A female prison worker being questioned by police over her role in the extraordinary escape of two convicted killers from a maximum security prison has said one of them ‘made her feel special’ and she ‘thought it was love’, according to reports.

Joyce Mitchell, a 51-year-old grandmother and an industrial training supervisor of Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora, New York, reportedly planned to be the getaway driver for Richard Matt, 48, and David Sweat, 34, but got cold feet at the last minute.

In the end, Mitchell, checked herself into a hospital for nerves on Saturday, the day the inmates were discovered missing from their cells, having drilled holes in the cement walls with power tools they obtained.

It is an unfortunate fact that many offenders are very skilled at using their superficial charm to get people to cooperate with them in illegal schemes. One of the men involved in the escape is well known for being able to con women. I’m sorry that this poor woman showed such poor judgment. I saw an interview with her son on television about how his mom would NOT do anything like that, when apparently she has admitted to being involved, though to what extent is not yet known.

But I do understand how people can “fall for” the flattery and attention that the offender can pour onto their intended victim. I have fallen for it myself from several people high in psychopathic traits, fortunately I never got involved in a felony like this poor woman has become involved with. Her whole world is going to crumble around her feet and I have no doubt that she will be incarcerated before all is said and done. Her whole life ruined because she fell for the charms of a psychopathic predator.

But she is not alone…many people have fallen for the cons, the “love bomb” that they lay on their victims to win their trust. She knew that what she was doing was wrong, no doubt about that, but the veil of the “love bomb” obscured her vision.

I have little doubt that these two men will be caught or killed by the police eventually but I hope and pray that it is before they kill again, and I don’t think anyone has any doubts about them doing that if it suits their purpose.

59 Responses to “How offenders scam others”

Joyce, I don’t know what Mitchell is going to experience, but she probably has a much better idea than either of us! LMAO!!! Which would explain her shaking, quaking, and being terrified.

I agree that the mentally impaired need to be contained if they are apt to committing crimes or acts of violence. Absolutely.

There are only a few situations where someone is forced to commit a crime or be an accomplice while under duress. Courts seem to have a hard time determining what “duress” really is. For instance, I believe that I was under duress to make very desperate decisions when I was still married to Victor, and even afterwards – I knew that there was NO means to negotiate with that man, and that he would do anything (bar murder) to “win” whatever it was that he wanted. But, my LEAVING him gave the Court the idea that I was just a wayward wife and that I was careless – well, truth be told, I was pretty fearful of all decisions or choices and I was careless in that I had NO idea what options were, much less which ones were available to me as per my traumatic life’s experiences and family dysfunctions.

SO……….having typed that, I know that I made some very, very poor decisions and choices at the worst and most desperate times of my life. I also know that I understand why I made those snap decisions and how to best avoid that reaction, today.

Some people make stupid decisions and wish that they hadn’t. This gal, Mitchell, kept making the same choices over, and over, and OVER without one thought about what her choices, actions, and decisions were costing her family members, or the people who were involved. Was they inmate who was shot and killed the man that she was physically involved with, or was he the other one? Either way………because of HER involvement, one man was shot and killed, and the other man will never see the light of day outside of a prison institution until the day he dies. She will likely spend the rest of HER life behind bars if she’s in her mid-50’s, already. And, her patterns of behaviors led up to this final fail. What a waste, all the way around.

When you mentioned someone doing something under duress –and yet voluntarily doing so–I thought of Patty Hearst robbing the bank. She was TRAUMA BONDED and brain washed by her kidnappers to participate. Yet, at the time few people knew what that was and they convicted her and sent her to the pen. Eventually she was pardoned by the governor. Which I believe was the right thing to do…HOWEVER..that said…..if she had not been a FAMOUS and wealthy person the governor or anyone else would not have taken a single thought for her and she’d still be doing life for armed bank robbery.

Way too many people who are mentally ill or “under duress” commit crimes and no one notices that there were circumstances that lead to the crime. Our jails and prisons are full of the mentally ill and retarded…some violent and some not.

As for the Mitchel woman knowing what she is in for, I bet she does. Who knows what her life was like as a kid, or why she is like she is…obviously an adrenaline junkie without a moral compass, yet she shows great fear, which most psychopaths don’t, but whatever her “diagnosis” is she made a CHOICE to participate in a crime.

And, BTW since if you are involved in a crime and one of your buddies who is also involved, gets shot and killed, YOU are tried for murder…they very well could show that SHE was involved in a criminal conspiracy for the escape and that she is culpable for the death of the guy that got killed, and try her for murder. Frankly I think she should be tried for murder.

I thought I would bring this one back up, since it was on the news the other day that this woman was sentenced to the maximum penalty. It was on the news that she would be getting up to 7 years in prison for assisting the two inmates breaking out of prison.

Of course they showed her before the judge in her striped jumpsuit, Boo-Hoo-ing about what she had done and asking for mercy.

At least while the two guys were out running, they didn’t harm or kill anyone. But still, the officers and everyone involved looking for them, could have been attending other matters. For this, I think they should impose a hefty fine on her of what it cost to have the officers searching for the escapee’s. She helped them get out, she should have to pay what it cost to bring them back in.

I totally agree Phoenix, I was shocked when I saw she only got 7 years (and who knows, that may mean 1-3 at most) Her allowing, helping, them escape cost one of the inmates his life, and I was under the impression that if you participated in a felony crime and someone died, you were charged with MURDER. Even if one of the people that died was one of your co-criminals.

I realize that this convict love bombed her to the point she lost her head and threw away her entire life as well as her family. I remember the interview with her son where he said “MY MOM COULDN’T DO THAT!” I feel sorry for him losing his trust in her.

This is one of those situations where everyone loses. The surviving escapee will spend 23 hours a day for the rest of his life in a 6 x 10 ft concrete box, and the one hour he is allowed “outside” is in a wire cage deep inside the prison. I’m not sure what her status will be in prison as far as the other inmates are concerned, but I believe her son is devastated by the national attention his mother got for her crimes, and I am assuming her husband is divorcing her so when she comes out she won’t have anyone left, will be unemployable except for possibly flipping burgers.

I have fallen for love bombs myself, but fortunately none that required me to commit a felony but I have definitely fallen for the love bombs from psychopaths, including the one from my son, Patrick. Most have been business deals that left me holding the proverbial bag.

I imagine the part about murder charges if anyone dies as a result, probably varies by state. Some are soooo lax on things and others are as strict and harsh as can be. Polar opposites, they are. I don’t so much view this one as everyone losing.

The woman knew what she was getting into. She wanted one of the escapees to kill her husband. That was the plan.

The guys knew they were escaping. They planned it for who knows how long. They also knew darn well there was the chance of getting caught, the punishment would be harsh and they could be shot at any time.

Didn’t the husband meet her thru cheating or something like that? If so He had to have some idea she was a liar on some scale.

The son is the one I think that loses the most. Sure he lost his mom, but deeper than that-> he will likely have issues being able to trust someone.

This subject went all over me when it first broke – I actually had compassion for Mitchell because I believed that she HAD to have been scammed by the convicts. So, this was a huge, huge lesson for me with regard to guarding even my compassion! Mitchell turned out to be just as psychopathic as the convicts that she helped to escape, AND……….seven years? Really? That’s the maximum?! She needs to be placed on a deserted island along the Pacific Rim and left there to sink or swim (no pun intended) on her own until the day that she dies. Period. She’s a psychopath.

My belief is quite simple: if they will cheat on the previous spouse, they’ll cheat on me just as easily. I don’t have the time or inclination to “work” on another relationship. I really don’t. Yeah, sure……….sometimes I feel that it would be pleasant or comforting to have a partner, but then I remember how the second exspath was so successful in eroding my self-esteem and self-confidence without ever having to physically harm me, and the feeling vanishes like a wisp of wood smoke. ####! Fantasy over!

Truthy and Phoenix, I agree that she was a “dishonest” person before all this began, and one of my points in all of this is that it is EASIER TO SCAM A DISHONEST PERSON than a person who is honest. The type of psychopaths that the escapees were/are is very typical of someone who can pick out the dishonest person and then LOVE BOMB them and get them to commit a crime as well.

If she had been HONEST to start with, and so on, she would not have fallen for the scam that they put over on her. So whether or not she is a full on psychopath or not, she is a dishonest person which led her to be targeted by the full on psychopaths. She also became a VICTIM in this thing as well, because I have no doubt that the convicts would have held up their end of the deal (if they had escaped and she had picked them up) I think they would have killed her and/or her husband. The convict that was having the sex with her was like 36 years old and she is a 50 year old not so attractive woman, so I sincerely DOUBT she was the love of his life. LOL But the love bombing made her believe he loved her in spite of the age difference etc.

Anyone, honest or dishonest, who gets scammed by a psychopath is a victim, and I do have some compassion for her, but at the same time, I realize that SHE was DIS-honest to start with.

We can become victims because we are also dishonest, or we can become victims because we are ENABLERS, or simply because we are naive so there are multiple paths to being scammed and victimized by psychopaths

Yea I do feel for the boy (young man) because the WHOLE WORLD will know what his mother is because of all the headlines. Richard Singleton’s daughter (he’s the one who cut the arms off the girl he raped and left her to die in the woods, but she crawled out and survived—though terribly damaged emotionally and physically) anyway, Singleton’s daughter wrote an article here and I know from private communications how MUCH he damaged her as well. The NATIONAL attention and everyone in her town and school knowing SHE WAS HIS DAUGHTER traumatized her very much. She moved away, changed her name, and so on, but STILL she carries that load to this day, decades later.

Having a parent who is a psychopath is bad, but having one that makes the national news is more than “Just” traumatic.

Joyce, my take on the whole thing is that everyone’s prime for a psychopath to target. They “test the waters,” so to speak, and see what the target will, and won’t, respond to.

A personal example of this was before I married the exsapth and he received about a dozen Christmas cards from Corrections employees that he worked with. His job was to schedule these men and women, and some of them sent him a couple of hundred dollars as a “thank you” for getting tons of overtime hours. Well, he went through this incredible act of surprise and he then went into an act of, “This is something that I need to report – we’re not supposed to do this.” SO……….he made a huge act out of gathering up all of this cash and saying that he was going to turn it over to Internal Affairs. This was at a time when I was unemployed, couldn’t FIND a job, and we lived about 45 minutes from the Atlantic City casinos.

I have no doubt that the exspath took that money and gambled it away, claiming that he had overtime hours to work – which he ALWAYS did. He also would claim that he was taking “comp time” instead of income, which I now truly believe was another scam to either engage in his depravities, or go gambling.

I was very, very easy to con because I had absolutely NO self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-worth. I had just jumped from 15 years of abuse into a relationship of spartan existence and complete neglect, and the exspath was somehow able to consult his “Psychopath Handbook” and sort out how to exploit my vulnerabilities to his advantages. The “Love-Bomb” was wonderously effective for him, and I fell for the hook, the line, and the sinker.

For the people who were NOT involved, like Mitchell’s son or Singleton’s daughter, they are saddled with the shame and blame for their predecessor’s actions. It is absolutely unfair, and it’s dreadful, and I cannot imagine the depth of trauma that they feel because I spent the past 3 1/2 years in therapy to manage my own trauma. Gosh………it’s just terrible and the “bad people” will eventually pay the proverbial piper, I believe. I just wish that the innocents in these situations weren’t so deeply harmed for just being associated with them.

Ack……to clarify on the Christmas cash bonuses and how the exspath was testing the waters with me, he kept glancing at me with this haunted look on his face – we were in financial straights, at that point, ALREADY. I blamed myself for this because I was an extra financial burden for him to carry, and I was literally unable to find employment because the area where we were living was a seasonal island community. There was no work from October through May, and that was the way it was.

So, he was seeing if I expected honesty from HIM – hence, the insistence that he would be reporting the matter to Internal Affairs and turning over the cash. In retrospect, by the time he had opened all of the cards and counted out about $1000 in cash, there was no way to “return” the money to the generous coworkers because there had been no accounting kept for who had sent what. LMAO!!!!!!!!!! In the same time frame, I sold my beautiful violin on eBay for income – I felt THAT wretched. I also sold two very vintage guitars that I had purchased in my 20’s about 4 years later under the same duress – we were strapped for cash and caring for my mother was MY fault and MY expense.

Eugh…………..in retrospect, it’s all so apparent that he’s what he is, right? But, in the thick of things, he learned about my vulnerabilities and exploited them to such a degree that I was in a constant state of humiliation and fear. WOW………..just……….wow……….

Truthy, your examples are completely RIGHT ON….if a person has no self esteem, or falls for the LOVE BOMB I think that is also a BIG plus for the psychopath to exploit.

As far as Mitchel is concerned, I am not sure if it was a lack of honesty (I’m gonna bet at least SOME of this since she cheated on her first husband and other things I’ve read) but it also may be that she was also very low in self esteem.

As for your 2nd ex, and your position as a abuse victim from your first…A) I think the abuse as a child B) the abuse from the first ex, and C) the resulting lack of self esteem all contributed to him “picking” you, and as a result of AB&C the ABSENCE OF OVERT ABUSE was perceived as “kindness” which goes back to the Stockholm Syndrome which many abused people exhibit. You not CHALLENGING him on the money and the financial desperation you were feeling, and the shame for not “contributing” and “being a burden” to him etc all contributed and he saw that vulnerability and exploited it.

RECOGNIZING how we have contributed to our own abuse is not “victim blaming” but it allows us to CORRECT these things and accepting that we ALLOWED our own abuse does not mean we are the BLAME in any way, but if we do not recognize and CORRECT these vulnerabilities in ourselves we will become a victim to the NEXT PSYCHOPATH that comes along.

I think that being vulnerable to abuse and being used somehow becomes apparent to the psychopaths and other abusers almost as if we had a “666” tattooed on our foreheads. They are constantly trolling for new victims and when they meet us our tat “lights” up and they test us gently at first to see what we will “put up with” and then push those boundaries.

The recognition of my own part in my own abuse was very painful and it took a life time of being the victim, being conned, being used and abused by “friends” and “family” for me to FINALLY GET IT. It was painful to the max, but recognizing it and making some changes to my own way of thinking is setting me free.

I honestly think, though that “recovering” from being a repeat victim is like being a recovering addict…it is ONE DAY AT A TIME, one encounter, one relationship, and in our “self talk.” (the thoughts we have going through our head all the time.) But it can be done, and in many if not most it requires some therapy and some very hard work on our parts.

Joyce, spot-on! The process of recovery and healing from a lifetime of abuse and traumas has had to be done in a “present” mind-frame. I didn’t understand this concept, one iota, because I had always lived in the past and attempted to predict the future – very typical behaviors of trauma survivors and abuse victims.

Today is a “good” day because I am free of abuse and exploitation. I can’t say what tomorrow will bring, but I’m okay, today.

There is an old line that has been passed around every domestic violence agency that I’ve ever been involved with. “The absence of abuse is perceived as a *kindness.*” This is also recognized in Stockholm Syndrome behaviors – I truly do NOT like that “name” because it rather narrows one’s immediate interpretation of these well-researched sets of behaviors to equate with one specific hostage event, and it’s NOT like that, at all.

And, I truly appreciate your clarifying that recognition of one’s issues that contributed to abuse is not, under any circumstances, “victim-blame!” No, victims are not deserving of abuse, EVER. And, this means those people who keep going back to their abusers – they don’t “deserve” to be abused any more than anyone else. The issue is guiding them to RECOGNIZE that they are, indeed, being abuse and that there are options and that they are truly precious enough to save themselves. Once that decision is made, then the hard work begins, and none of it is pleasant, warm-and-fuzzy, or comfortably “new age,” on any level.

Having typed that, the uncomfortable and unpleasant personal work of recovery doesn’t kill us. At times, it may FEEL as if we’re going to die from the pain or the shame or whatever, but it’s processed and the true healing begins. What a different world THAT is, I must say! What a wonderful, wonderful world to be moving forward on my Healing Path! And, yep……sometimes, there are shadows along the path and potholes in front of me, but it’s nothing like the terrifying and haunted forest that I was living in, before.

Mitchell has to be as disordered as the convicts that she was involved with – absolutely. And, the only reason that she didn’t go through with the plan is simply because she seems to be “smarter” than the convicts – meaning, she is more intelligent and began to run the whole scenario through the proverbial grinder and realized that she would, without a doubt, be killed along with her husband. She has a HISTORY of poor judgement and bad behaviors, and I don’t think that her self-esteem had all that much to do with her decision to become intimately involved with a convict. For some people, it’s tantalizing to be involved with a “baddie” who is behind bars because, for whatever reason, the convict is perceived as “safe” because they’re locked up. Even those “relationships” with convicts that never, ever become physical, men and women flock to the call and it’s very, very icky to me, on every level.

Truthy it amazes me that so many serial killers have “groupies”—look at that girl that is “engaged” to Manson! LOL she has devoted herself to him, and others who fell under his spell. I don’t know if you remember the man who came on this blog quite a while back, I think his name was “dave” and he was involved with a woman on death row who had killed her children and he was just waiting for the day she got out and they could be together.

On the blog Prison Talk, there are HUNDREDS of these people who discuss ways to “support” their violent inmate “loves” —some of them “met while in prison” or in pen pal relationships with convicts. I see ads all the time in the local paper for inmates wanting “relationships” and pals—remember that means “send money” LOL

There is just no understanding that…at the time Jeffrey Dahlmer died he had 14 women who each believed he loved them, LOL It was simply a way to pass time by conning these women–I read a book written by a minister who “converted” and “saved” Jeffrey who was TOTALLY CONVINCED that Jeffrey’s “conversion” was SINCERE and the minister was totally confused about the 14 women….the poor well meaning minister did not get it that the “conversion” was simply ANOTHER CON. For what purpose? It didn’t have to have a PURPOSE…it was simply the joy of putting one over on another guy. (head shaking here)

I read somewhere that many inmates that are high in psychopathic traits actually “enjoy” prison because there are so many opportunities inside for them to con the guards and other prisoners. Of course they fantasize about getting out, but then they go back to the cons again and go back inside where they are “at home”. Our prison system is not scary to these men and women because they know how to get along in prison and have NO FEAR of prison.

I do think our prison system should be changed….I think there should be treatment for addicts and low level drug offenders and alcoholics, but I do think that the 3 strikes (felony strikes) should be enforced for ALL violent offenders. I think the death penalty should be abolished due to the many truly innocent people that have been proven innocent by DNA.. But those people who are truly guilty should never ever get out of prison. And those people who deliberately take the life of another person should STAY in prison for their lives. But I don’t see any REAL reform in the prison system because unfortunately too many prison employees like your Ex husband and Mitchel are high in psychopathic traits themselves….being a guard can not be a “nice” experience on any level. The power that goes with the position also can attract other psychopaths to take those jobs. And some people who are not truly psychopathic can be made callous and unfeeling BY the job. As we know from research the AVERAGE score of all inmates on the psychopathic check list is 22 (with 30 being the cut off for full on psychopathy) and a person with a score of 22 (less than 5 is “normal”) are not someone you would want to take home and keep for a pet. 75% of all domestic abusers are psychopaths, full on, and 25% of all inmates. Releasing these men and women back into society, and the “system” actually ENCOURAGING family members to take them back in only perpetuates the cycles. (sigh) but I do not expect any real changes in the systems
All any of us can do is to HEAL OURSELVES and to stop the cycle of abuse of ourselves.

I am bringing this subject back up because I recently had an experience that fit EVERY symptom of sociopathy to a “t!” And, I wanted to share this so that anyone else out there who experiences will have something to contemplate if / when it happens to them.

First things, first. I have been in a process of recovery and healing since 2011. My core issues were numerous, and it took time, patience, and diligence to address them, sort them out, and work on them with focus and commitment.

We write a great deal about “triggers,” and “red flags,” but it’s extremely important for anyone who is in recovery from an encounter with a psychopath to do the hard work to just learn how to manage anxiety, and the triggers that cause it. There were MULTIPLE triggers in this most recent experience.

Short version: when I was an adolescent, I was visiting family in a different State that was far, far away. I met a young fellow about the same age, and we hit it off and hung out for a couple of weeks. Nothing romantic, just lots of laughs and hanging out. We remained pen pals for a couple of years, and drifted our separate ways.

Years later, this guy tracked me down through a relative LONG before internet access. He contacted me over the phone while I was still married to the first abusive exspath, Victor, and spoke in great detail about his wealth, his possessions, and how he intended to drive across country to see me, again. Well…….this did NOT go over well with Victor and I wouldn’t have entertained the idea, in the first place. Needless to say, that ended and it ended, quickly.

MORE years later, I actually did a search for this guy on a social networking site. Found him, and messaged him, JUST to see whatever happened with him. NO romantic or nefarious intentions, and I met the same kind of aggressive interests. He was SO happy that I had “found” him and, once again, the discussion was all about who he knew, what he had, his wealth, etc…….all very, very superficial and I got bored with it, very quickly.

From the outset, he began the love-bombing. Cute “pet” names or references to what I do, how I looked, etc….and, then a sudden “plan” to come for a visit. I put the kiabosh on that, immediately with a couple of very good reasons: he wouldn’t be able to stay at, or enter into, my home and I wasn’t “model” material. I wasn’t self-deprecating, but I was 100% honest and I was 150% FIRM about these boundaries.

I haven’t heard from him, since.

Now, the points that I want to make are that I have identified a NUMBER of “triggers” for anxiety, but there are also other “triggers” that cause me to build stories that typically never, ever come true or are, by an stretch of the imagination, accurate. One “triggers” is stability and security, and I’m going to be truthful about this. In my Previous Life, I would have begun planning on how I could make this relationship work JUST in order to feel safe, secure, and finally comfortable.

Another “trigger” would have been the attention, in my Previous Life. I would have REACTED (not “responded”) to any attention, whatsoever, especially if it was flirty or suggestive of “love.” Today, I’m fully aware of these triggers, as well as others that factored into this scenario. He left many things up in the air as if he expected me to run after him to nail him down – I would have done that in my Previous Life. I made the CHOICE to simply get on with my life, appreciate that my life is absolutely MINE and not dependent upon someone else.

So, after all of this and the gut feeling that there were too many “red flags” and that this guy was moving way, way too quickly with me, I searched his name and location. Lo! And, behold! Up popped a Federal criminal case that had “USA v. ($#&!$.” There was a whole LIST of the motions that had been filed, who his attorney had been, the dates of each motion, and the plea sentence that ended up being 18 months in a Federal Prison – he was released in 15 months. What was not available were the charges – the Court records were sealed and I don’t believe that I’ll ever know what he pleaded guilty to, particularly since he hasn’t contacted me since I told him that he would not be allowed into my home.

I skipped away from this situation, unscathed, for the first time in my life. I didn’t buy into the triggers, I didn’t fall for the overwhelming FLATTERY, and I didn’t give into the notion that this guy was going to RESCUE me. I am absolutely proud of myself and this has given me even greater confidence in myself.

BUT………I would not have been able to walk away from this without malice or resentment if I had not done the hard work of recovery and focused upon my personal healing. THESE THINGS are vital to avoid being exploited by bad people, whether they are family members or long, lost “friends.”

Lisa, TOWANDA TO YOU! You did well to see the red flags and not respond to the love bomb…I too have fallen for the llove bomb many times, but now not so much…we all like to think well of ourselves and to have others think well of us as well, but when someone comes on to you with the llove bombs we must not view that as true admiration, but as an attempt to sucker us….it isn’t a bad idea to google anyone we don’t really know even if we knew them in the past. you just never know what some one is any more, but at least there are ways to find out stuff like your man’s criminal history.

Learning to distinguish love bombs from real admiration is difficult when we are in great pain or depression or are very ‘needy’ but as we heal we become more self aware and also are aware of how others come across and we recognize the red flags for what they are.

I remember after my husband died and I was so needy felt so alone and the guy from my living history group that I had casually known for about 10 years started love bombing me, I fell for it hook line and sinker. Even when I realized what a fake he was, it hurt so badly to lose that ILLUSION of his “love” LOL

I applaud you for seeing the red flags and not falling for the love bomb.

Thanks, Joyce…….it’s been a hard-won skill to recognize the triggers and see them for what they are.

In my past life, I would have wondered what was wrong with ME that I was elevated onto a pedestal and then knocked lower than the ground!!! The love-bomb is something that I have to really pay attention to, especially when people deliver FLATTERY instead of genuine compliments.

I can imagine how dreadful you felt after your husband died, Joyce. Of course, you would have been needy – anyone would have been! And, it’s just a blessing that you didn’t marry that jerk.

You are right, Zen, it is a blessing from God that I figured out what a sleeze bag the guy was. He had cheated on his wife of 32 years from the get go and when she finally caught him red handed she kicked him out. She had suspected for a long time he was cheating but couldn’t prove it…when she knew for sure she kicked him out.

I found out what he had done in the past and also proved he was cheating on me while we dated. It broke my heart, and I was already broken. I broke my OWN “rule” of getting involved in another relationship within 2 years of the last one after a divorce or a death. Because unless you have had time to completely compleate the grief process you are not liable to make good decisions….and of course I was so needy I jumped before I should have.

Haviing been single for 5 years after my divorce I married my late husband and the decision was a good one. We had also known each other for 20+ years before we married and dated for 2 years before we married. I caution anyone who has been in a relationship, but especially with a psychopath to stay single 2-3 years before even considering another relationship. Look at how many of us have fallen for the next psychopath after breaking off with the first psychopath, our “pickers” are broke and when someone comes along with the love bomb we fall for it until we LEARN what it is and how to spot it.

Joyce, there was an amazingly insightful scene in the Sandra Bullock movie, “28 Days,” when all of these addicts (of one sort, or another) are sitting in a group meeting. One of the residents asks about WHEN he’ll be able to find “love” or entertain a relationship, again. The answer was astounding in its simplicity:

paraphrased ~~Buy a plant. Nurture and grow that plant for one year. If the plant doesn’t die, then buy a dog. Care for and nurture that dog, AND the plant for another year. If neither one perishes from neglect or mistreatment, then one has matured enough to approach a relationship.~~

In the women’s anxiety group, there is one gal that finally separated from her abusive and philandering husband of 30 years and, immediately, began dating someone else to fill that void. She had never BEEN on her own for all of those years, and I could identify with that neediness. I asked her, at one point, if she felt that it was wise to jump into another relationship so soon before she had a chance to catch her breath and recover. She visibly bristled at this and was TRULY offended. Well……….turned out that the guy she was dating was just another abusive jack@ss. SO………she learned JUST like I did, and thankfully, she didn’t get deeper into a situation with that man.

Nobody wants to believe that they need to learn something or grow up. I know that I believed that I had everything under control and that I knew what I was doing when I went from Victor to Good Time Charlie. How DARE anyone question my ability to make a decision?!?! Well…………I was absolutely unable to make a wise decision at that time because I had never recovered from any of my traumas, and I made a very unwise decision.

I have been “alone” since November 3, 2011 – the day that I assaulted Good Time Charlie in a rage, and I threw myself into recovery the very next day. I am not “alone,” by any stretch of the imagination. I am surrounded by a core of friends and “family” that are dear to me, supportive, encouraging, healthy, and wise. I am not the same level of needy that I once was, and I am SO grateful for the lessons because I would have thrown myself into just one more dreadful relationship with Mister Federal in a bid for security and a cure to “loneliness,” instead of relying upon myself to see to my own needs.

Love bomb? I can spot it from a man with such relative ease that I’m VERY comfortable in being without a partner and I can easily walk away from ANY fellow because I have no need FOR a fellow, if that makes any sense. Females, now……..I have to be VERY cautious about making friends, at this time, because I do need to develop a strong network of healthy friends, but I also need to guard my vulnerabilities from female predators, as well.

The answer? You’ve stated it time, and time, again: wait! Watch. Observe with an objective eye. Separate the emotions (feelings) from the facts. If someone has an agenda or ulterior motive, they’ll ***out*** themselves, in due time.

That’s a good point, Zen…we have to find out how WE contributed to our abuse and until we do figure that out we will continue the cycle. I know myself I have allowed “friends” and men to abuse me because I thought if I loved them enough, did enough for them that they would love me in return.

Learning how to distinguish REAL friends and lovers from those seeking to prey on us is not an easy lesson to learn. The love bomb is a powerful tool in the tool box of abusers. NO one can save us from being “alone” we must accept that we ARE alone inside our skulls and that we can reach out to others, HEALTHY others and enjoy their company, their support, but ultimately we need to get comfortable inside our own skins and to BE OK inside our own skins. Humans are herd animals and we want and need contact with others, but even in solitary confinement in a cell we CAN be OK if we are comfortable with ourselves.

Solitary confinement in prisons is used as the ultimate punishment for unruly inmates and many of them will go crazy under those conditions, but few if any of them are equipped to be comfortable inside their own skins.

I am very glad that I too have friends and people who love me,, but I also realize that even if I am ALONE inn this world I will survive and I will not accept the “comfort” of being abused by someone just to h ave ANY one.

My husband told me once that he had always wanted a relationship with SOMEONE, but when we got together it was a relationship with SOME ONE. There’s a big difference in the two phrases/words. I too would like someone, but I am CONTENT AND OKAY without that, I am OK to be alone (in no romantic relationship) because there is not any ONE I desire to be with. At my age, not likely to be any ONE either, that’s just the demographics,, but that”s okay. I am not “needy” or “lonely” and it is a good feeling.

The gal in your group who jumped from the frying pan into the fire so to speak is very typical. I have seen DOZENS of women do that both in my professional life and my personal life and I know it is a bad idea but I TOO DID IT. I felt old, fat, and unloveable and when a man I had known casually for 10 years started love bombing me, I fell like an avalanche and for 8 months I as more or less in a fog of “happiness” but fortunately I too found out before I married the cheating jerk who was only trying to find another “respectable wife” to cheat on. He had a harem of “friends with benefits” and wanted to keep them at bay by having a “wife” he could not divorce because it would hurt her too badly. LOL