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Monday, 16 February 2015

I have marked it on the calender

That he admitted he made a mistake, this is something much more worthy of celebrating than Valentines day! unfortunately even though he admits to making a mistake, i have come worse off for it..how the bloody hell did that happen.

But in more detail. He said that he let my behaviour go because i had a lot going on, was going through some difficulties, and clearly that was a mistake on his part, one that will be rectified, and i shouldnt worry because from now on there will be no leeway at all, i will be severely punished for failing to behave and anything i do not do in line 100% per his instructions.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

I wanted to say could we negotiate for 90% but i figured it was not a good time to make light of the situation...so sometimes i can keep my mouth shut...see, im learning.

But i couldnt not tell him, explain why it had gotten to the point that i intentionally disobeyed and subsequently lied to him, because otherwise i think it would have got out of hand, the guilt would of gotten to me, well it did within 48 hours, confession is said to be good for the soul (an old Scottish proverb) which is fine and dandy but its not good for my ass and other body parts.

Ok, so im making light of the whole situation because thats the way i cope with things on the outside, its either that or shut-down and withdraw into myself, because i am a bit scared, ok, more than a bit.

I dont like waiting to be punished, my preference is to get it out the way asap, and i dont like not knowing what its going to be, its like being in limbo, and im left imagining the worst, the only good thing about that is im hopeful that it wont be as bad as what i imagine the worst to be.

We have the upcoming weekend to ourselves, my daughter is on a skiing trip, my son is in London, Master has no courses or surveys to do, and its such a rare occurrence to get a weekend completely to ourselves, and normally i would be excited at the prospect, its difficult to be excited when all i can think about is at some point over the weekend im going to be punished...and worse case scenario what if he stretches it out over the whole weekend in someway!...its possible, he is the closest i have come to seeing him really disappointed with me and i know i need putting back into my place...i hate that fucking phrase but it just is the most apt way to put it.

I tested the waters by saying to him "its not going to be a good weekend for me is it?" he asked for clarification on what i meant by "good" which is doing things i like and want...he replied "you will have some of those".

So i think thats a good sign? maybe.

But as i have been typing this i have gone off in a different direction than intended, that happens sometimes.