Tuesday, August 26, 2008

I told you I was going to take care of you, and I am a woman of my word so here I am. I think you deserve a massive update.

Last night I was in the suburbs taking care of these two little monsters.

It really made me realize how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family. Sure half the time we're dysfunctional and insane, but whose family isn't? I've shared a fantastic childhood, rich with family history and tradition. I have unbelievable Aunts and Uncles who spoiled us rotten when we were growing up. Thanks to them I know my heritage and recognize where I come from. Thanks to them my niece and nephew will never have to know anything but an outpouring of unconditional love and a genuine desire to be a part of their lives. To know who they are now and a wish to see who they become.

As I've mentioned before, I don't know if a family of my own is in the cards for me, but with the one I've already got, I'll never long for more.

I know you can't choose your family, and I'm okay with that because I am lucky enough to have gotten stuck with mine.

I think about that a lot. Life would be a lot easier if you could choose who you love. Think about it. Instead of that sneaking, slow growing, smack you upside your head moment, it would be something you could control. Something that was accessible and convenient for you. What if we could pick out who we love from a line-up, like they do to perps in jail. Instead of holding up criminal numbers, they would hold up something like, "Is nice to his mom", or "Cries a lot" or "Will only break your heart". Imagine the possibilities.

I was just talking the other day with my friend Jackie about the roles different people play in our lives.

Laura is like a warm cup of tea on a cold afternoon, she just makes me feel at ease and comfortable. Laura knows the best and the worst of me and still loves me. She is my mama bear, always going to bat for me without even having to ask for her help.

Katie is a fiercely loyal friend. She's the one you call when you're all dressed up on a Friday night and your date never shows up. Even if she has been sleeping for hours, she will without hesitation, show up at your door when you need her.

Eleanor lets me be myself more than anyone, a true gift. She knows the words in my heart even when I don't speak them. She is endlessly generous and has shown me moments of kindness that inspire me to be a better person.

Dianka is a laugh just when I need it the most and brings excitement into my life. She is authentic and genuine and has taught me never to judge a book by its cover.

Dave is a kindred spirit, he understands things unsaid. He inspires me to have faith in other people and to never give up on true love.

Mel is my wise seer, someone who radiates strength into all she is around. Out of everyone, her words calm me the most. She is the most compassionate person I have ever met without a doubt. When she says "My heart aches for you, Meg" she truly means it.

Shannon is stability and honesty and always gives a genuine and warm hug.

Jess is my home away from home, even at 4,000 miles away. She gets it. She always has.

Donnelly makes me a better friend, effortlessly. Her friendship is as delightful as it is easy, a rare find. With her, there is no judgement, just unconditional love. And more importantly, unconditional fun.

Jill, Caroline and Jackie are my surrogate sisters, always hard at work, helping sort through the drama of my life and keeping me sane day to day. They are the rock I stand on to see above the waves.

And Kate, Kate is the other half of me. We still communicate in a language without words. We still have a relationship no one else can touch. She's the blood and I'm the heart. One doesn't work without the other.

All of these people help fill the holes in the respective puzzle of me, but there are little corners unoccupied even still. I feel like there are always spots left open, waiting, like a reserved parking space in a garage, left warm from the last car that it inhabited.

It would just be easier to choose who you love. Though I doubt it could be better.

About Me

I live in Chicago and in between purging my demons through my writing or at the corner bar, I live a very productive life as an events planner and creative. I think too much and talk too little. I dont ever really say what is on my mind, but my hand can write it faster than I can think it. I choose hope over despair, always. I am moody, messy and seamlessly emotional, but I keep a militarily clean room. My heart is cluttered with words that Ill never say, but I wear them silently on my sleeve. I want you to pick me instead of her, even though I would pick him instead of you. Short stories over books and poetry over short stories. I crave the immediate gratification of a good, short sentence, but am myself long winded. I am pro-choice but anti-decision. I like rock over roll. I am overconfident in crowds, but reticent in private moments. I feel that you should choose honest moments to bare your soul, but never soul baring moments to finally be honest. And consequently, that life is yours to reel in, one hand over another, heels in the dirt, but will always, always win the tug of war.