Thursday, June 12, 2014

6 years ago I used to write on this blog weekly. Sometimes daily updating everyone on the status of my pregnancy...and then today I come back to it and notice it has been exactly one year and one day since I last wrote on this blog.

I used to find comfort in writing randomly to whoever would listen, ranting about my challenges and glorifying our leaps. I've moved on since then. And although sometimes it feels really good to cleanse my mind of my super stimulating thoughts ;) I've become a little more private and keep most of those feeling to myself. But yet, here I am June 12th... back to my comfort area of writing on my blog. Still not sure of what I am going to talk about...yet. but I am here, because I feel like I need to be. I have some things to say.

First off I wanted to talk about my day. This afternoon at 3pm I met with many of my nursing coworkers from 7.1 to celebrate the life of another nurse coworker Laura Lee LeBrun who passed away May 19th at the age of 38. It absolutely breaks my heart that I am actually writing this. I didn't know her as well as the other nurses on my floor did, but I knew her well enough to know that I really liked her. She was our charge nurse, so someone I chatted with regularly about the patients on the floor. She was a very social person, so we chatted about other non related work things probably more then we should have. She was so kind, so genuine, so beautiful with an amazing personality. I remember her talking about her love of sailing, her bootcamps, her mom, and the many short relationships she had. I knew a great guy who was attractive, loved to sail, and did well for himself who was a part of my family through my brother....so I set them up, and they married...but they sadly did not live happily ever after because Laura Lee found out she had cancer shortly after their honeymoon.

I feel very mixed emotions...part of me is so happy that they found true love with each other, and that Stefan and his family were so supportive for her during her battle with cancer, and part of me feels guilty in the pain that he is feeling right now after losing the love of his life. I feel like that is my fault. I feel like if I didn't set them up, he wouldn't be feeling the incredible loss that he is feeling right now. I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse, and I hope that I never feel that loss for a very long time. But I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. And the thoughtful man that he is...says to me today " I know today is the day Jessica passed away" and I cut him short and said...right now is about Laura Lee....

Over 30 nurses stood together while poems were read and memories of Laura Lee were shared. We released our balloons into the air for our friend, and she was present...as a large rainbow made it's presence in the sky that showed no signs of rain. It was a sign to show she approved...and that she was there with us all today.

Days like today remind me how precious our lives are. How precious our loved ones really are. We often take for granted so much in our lives and blame our busy schedules and lack of time for the reasons we don't call our family or friends often enough, or why we don't make the effort to visit more often. Sometimes we work to hard, we spend so much time on the things that really don't matter in the big picture. When you lose someone important to you, all you wish is that you had more time to spend with them. I only knew Jessica for one month, I never had the chance to really get to know her, even though I see her face everyday in Alyssa.

It sounds silly, but I still feel the need to be a mother to my daughter in heaven. It is a challenge...and there is only so much that I can do, but I need to. That's the best way to explain it. I need to do this. I send up balloons to her on her birthday and anniversary of her death. I light a candle in her memory. And I organize the IWK 5K - In Memory of Jessica, because it is my way to be a Mom to my Jessica who passed away six years ago today. I celebrate her short life, and hope to help other families so that they won't experience this loss. And for anyone who knows me...for the last couple of years my life has been pretty routine, I spend 6 months organizing the IWK event to keep me busy during a really hard time of the year, and then then next 6 months focused on myself training on a marathon to keep me busy. This is how I cope. And it is really the only way I know how.

Tonight my girls came home after soccer with Keith with me crying typing out this blog. They started to cry as they saw me cry. They asked me why I was so sad and then I told them about today. I told them about our celebration and I told them about Jessica's anniversary. Tonight was one of those nights where we question when the right time to tell the girls about their sister really is/was. Emily remembered right away and immediately started crying, and then right after Alyssa joined in. And the four of us sat on a single sofa chair hugging each other crying...Alyssa always seemed too young to really understand and not really as emotional as Emily, but tonight as we held her in our arms, she cried and said "Jessica is my twin"...she really understood. So we put down two very tired, emotional girls, with extra long cuddles and more kisses then normal....

It is ok to cry. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to love someone that is no longer here. But remember to love those that are still here...and always make time for each other now, because tomorrow you may not have that chance

About Me

I started this blog in March 2008 when I found out that I was pregnant with twin girls diagnosed with TTTS. Because it was so exhausting and emotional for me to tell my story over and over again, this blog became my communication for family and friends. It's been a long journey with a very scary pregnancy, the roller coaster ride in the NICU, the loss of one of my babies, and trying to be a good Mom to my 22 month old little girl at home. Time does not change what happened, but it does help to heal...but for me, my saving grace was running. I started to run regularly after Alyssa was discharged from the hospital Sept 2008, and now I can't stop.

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A child that loses a parent is an orphan.A man who loses his wife is a widower.A woman who loses her husband is a widow.There is no name for a parent that loses a child, for there is no word to describe this pain.