Obviously, I retract every remotely positive thing I ever said about Tom Glavine[1]. Fucking Brave can go fuck himself straight back to Fucklanta.

Obviously, I retract every remotely positive thing I ever said about Jose Reyes. When you go to winter ball, work on hitting the ball on a line and don’t be chummy with Miguel Olivo. AND RUN!

Obviously, I retract every remotely positive thing I ever said about Willie Randolph. Your lifetime streak of winning is over. Check for a pulse while you’re at it.

Obviously, I retract every remotely positive thing I ever said about Omar Minaya. Jason Vargas? Ben Johnson? Ambiorix Burgos? Way to stockpile.

Obviously, I retract every remotely positive thing I ever said about the 2007 New York Mets. Believe in the tooth fairy before you ever believe in a bunch of stiffs that can’t beat its closest competition, can’t beat dreadful competition, can’t beat itself in a race to nowhere.

Obviously, I am disgusted. I was certain I was going to sit down and give you eloquent and reflective, but in fact I am angry and pissed. Eloquent and reflective is still simmering inside me but angry and pissed is boiling over.

What a fucking bunch of losers. With a handful of exceptions, they either did not play to their capability or they were not capable. In some realm I am able to look past that and say “well, I’m sure they were trying.” What evidence there would be to back up that assertion, however, is beyond me. There was a handful of exceptions, but this entire team and this entire organization is at fault for this collapse[2] of historic, immense and confounding proportions. The broad brush of failure doesn’t ask questions, so I apologize to the handful of New York Mets who pushed themselves and generated the performance necessary to win the requisite number of baseball games required to ensure a continuation of their 2007. I would single you out as the exceptions, but this has to be a blanket indictment.

You all sucked.

It is not crucial that your team win championships or earn playoff berths every year. That’s not what being a fan is about. If it were, there would eventually be no fans. But at some point, you have to be able to trust your team to follow through on its position in the game, in the standings, in your hopes. You have to be able to count on a team that has led its division consistently for virtually an entire season to finish the job. Yes, it’s a job. The Mets’ job was to win a division which was in their firm control as late as the second week of September.

They did not do their job. They did not go down to the wire with the heart of a champion or guts of a contender. They went down to last-place teams and next-to-last-place teams. They went down, on-field hijinks Saturday notwithstanding, without a fight. They went down like a doormat. Gallingest among the much that was galling was how the Florida Marlins made it their business to destroy the Mets on Sunday and they were not stopped in pursuit of their goal. Just because some bitchy last-place team wants to beat you doesn’t mean they should or they can. Unless that bitchy last-place team is playing the 2007 Mets. Then the doormat’s right here, go ahead, wipe your feet on us.

What’s remarkable about these Mets’ losing these past two weeks is how uniform and universal it was. Even in the contests in which they blew leads, there was never any great feeling that, oh, they came so close, if only this or that had gone their way they would have pulled it out. They were on a collision course with failure and they smacked head on into it, baby. Full fucking force into a full fucking farce.

In the aftermath of the 27th out of the 162nd and absolutely final game for the 2007 Mets, some jagoff in the upper deck put a paper bag over his head and said “I’m ashamed to be a Mets fan,” to which I said, “I’m ashamed that you’re a Mets fan, too.” But even without the prop comedy shtick, I get it. The Mets are shameful. But I’m not ashamed that I’m a Mets fan.

I’m ashamed of the Mets, but I did fine. I did all I could. I supported my team the way I’m supposed to, by sticking with them and exhorting others to do so and paying my good money (not incidentally) for the privilege to do so. If you’re reading this, I know you did what you were supposed to do, too. We collectively came through. Mets fans have nothing to be ashamed of. We are not our team, after all. We are better than them.

I hope they regroup and meet the standard we have set for them. We’ll be waiting. At least I know I will.

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