While you’re at it…

Gee, thanks mum

I was born a month early, with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck twice. As a result, I was blue from oxygen deprivation. My mum, just having finished labour and not exactly in full mind, couldn’t quite put her finger on what was wrong. So, the first words she ever said about me, directly after I was born:

On second thought…

Freudian slip

I’m white, Irish ancestry so I had red hair when I was a child, and my wife is black. Her sister was also in the delivery room. When the baby crowned her sister told her she could see the baby’s hair. My wife who can barely breathe blurted out:

Mindf*ck

We hired a doula for our first kid 4 years ago. She told us a story that I still laugh about.

She was with a couple that had been told they were having a daughter as their first kid. So like first-time parents they outdid themselves with everything pink, sparkly and frilly, the whole 9 yards.

Mum goes into labor and they call the doula to come in to be there for the birth. Mum’s pushing, dad is cheerleading nervously. The baby pops out and the doula notices that the sonogram tech that said they were having a girl messed up.

The dad is too busy to notice anything is amiss. So the doula tells the dad to do a finger and toe count to clue him in. So the dad looks at the baby, sees 10 fingers and 10 toes and one penis.

Now he’d been told that he’s having a daughter for the past 6 months and sees a penis, and the first thing he screams is:

Mate, get your priorities straight!

My mother’s labour was extremely short, I was born within an hour. So that means that she went from experiencing minimal pain, to extreme pain with little time to adjust.

When my dad was driving her to the hospital, he unfortunately had to stop for gas. He went into pay, and just then an elderly man in a wheelchair stopped him, asking him to buy cigarettes for him as the store was not wheelchair accessible.

My mum then proceeded to lean out the window, yelling “DONT HELP THE CRIPPLE.”

Not what I ordered

My mother was unexpectedly having her fourth child and chose not to find out the sex. For some reason, she became convinced it was a boy and would have bet the house on it. In the delivery room, they hand the baby to my dad and he joyfully tells my mum that they have a new baby girl.

Tough love

I’m a nurse and on clinicals we did an OB clinical rotation, which was by far my favorite. My favorite patient was giving birth vaginally and her husband, very sweet guy, leaned down to kiss her forehead and she full-on punched the shit out of him and said:

One liners that said it all

*Note: We’ve edited some of the above quotes for clarity, to correct horrendous spelling, and to change ‘mom’ to ‘mum’. For original versions and more comedic gold, follow the links to the threads below: