“There is almost nothing outside of you that will help in any kind of lasting way, unless you are waiting for an organ. This is the most horrible truth.” – Ann LamottThis truth also can be the most liberating. But you must first come to accept that you can’t fix anyone no matter how much you love and cherish them. And when that loved one abuses alcohol and/or illegal drugs, focusing inside yourself rather than outside on your loved one’s problems is a challenge.In this article, we briefly review the main traps that family and friends of addicts can fall into when it comes to loving someone who is chemically addicted to alcohol or drugs. What’s the antidote to these traps? Dig in and do the work…on YOURSELF.More On Worrying

When you love or care for an addict, worry and “what if” become constant companions.

What if he loses his job?

What if she can’t take care of her kids?

What if he lands in jail or prison?

What if he kills someone in an auto accident?

And worst of all, what if he dies from a drug overdose or the cumulative effects of alcoholism?

This fear is not unfounded. According to the Center for Disease Control, overdose deaths more than doubled from 1999 to 2012. In 2012 alone, there were 41,502 drug overdose deaths, of which 16,007 involved analgesics and 5,925 from heroin.To put it another way, consider this. One person (often young) dies every 4 minutes from alcohol or other drug related problems. That’s 15 every hour or 360 every day. This is equivalent to a jumbo jet falling from the sky with no survivors every day of the year.

Enabling: Well Intentioned But Misguided

However, our worries and “What ifs” cause us to rush in and assume responsibility for our loved one’s destructive behavior. It’s called enabling and it’s a stinker. I read somewhere that addicts crave enabling like plants need water. We enable because we want to protect our loved ones. We enable because we don’t want our family to be disgraced. We enable because we don’t know what else to do. We enable because we don’t want our husband, wife, daughter or son to become another fatal statistic.Although misguided, our actions are well-intended. After all, family and friends help one another when a member is in need. However, if our loved ones have any chance of recovery, we must get out of their way and let them take responsibility for their behavior. Enabling is not helping! We need to move the spotlight from them and shine it directly at us. To take a long, hard look inside ourselves, even when we don’t like what we see. “This is the most horrible truth.”Accepting this horrible truth was a challenge when my adult son was abusing drugs. A loving mom, I enabled, big time. When my son stole money from me, I ignored it. When his checks bounced, I covered them. When he landed in jail, I bailed him out. And when the phone rang in the middle of the night, my heart raced.No amount of nagging, preaching, begging, or threatening, worked. Finally, when I had enough, I went to my first twelve-step meeting and was told flat out, “This program is about you, not about your loved one.” Say what? How can this be? I was there to learn how to fix my son. I didn’t need fixing. He did.Digging In

Turns out that nothing changed until I decided to dig deep inside myself. To toss aside my “God suit” and face the naked truth that I was the one who needed fixing. (More here on tools of codependence recovery.)During a support group meeting, someone said, “All you have to do is to be willing.” To be willing to make recovery a priority. To be willing to unearth unhealthy behavior. To be willing to abandon my pride and embrace humility. To be willing to admit my faults, fears, and frustrations.I’ve learned that almost everything inside of me: my thoughts, actions, beliefs, and attitudes, determines how I live my life with all of its joys and sorrows. I have choices. I can choose to live in the grip of my loved one’s addiction or I can choose to become free. This is the most liberating truth.Do You Love An Addict? Let Us Know…So, do you love an addict but can’t get free from worry or enabling patterns? Are you looking into how to address addiction and family issues? Please leave us a comment in the section below. We’ll do our best to respond to you personally and promptly. You are not alone.Photo credit: leasqueaky

I have been struggling for 10 years with my daughter's addiction to drugs and more recently, alcohol. I have struggled to break free from the enabling aspect. She has moved back in with me and her children who I am currently raising and will be admitted to Buffalo Valley tomorrow. I need help dealing with her dependency and its effects on me and the children. They are 2 and 3 years old.

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Constancr

6/23/2015 12:47:12 pm

I know how you feel my daughter is 33 he's been using since she was 13 I live with her.and I am raising the two boys.they are six and three I hate them seeing there mother strung out. There know everything

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Heather

1/15/2016 10:07:57 am

My husband has been an addict to either prescription pills or alcohol since he was 16. He's been in and out of jail, lost his license and jobs. I do everything in my power to NOT enable him, but it is EXHAUSTING. I have to hide money so he doesn't take it out of my purse for his alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I even lie about having money and I hate doing that because know lying is wrong.
I've spoken with him about rehab countless times, but he refuses because he went as a teenager and never experienced any change. He's actually admitted he isn't ready to change now.
I am so sad and frustrated because I don't believe in divorce and I don't know how to live with an addict. At times it is scary and strange. I feel like all I can do is pray, but wonder what else can I do? I hate that our daughter has to live seeing this addiction and the desperate demanding behavior associated with it.

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Faith

5/9/2016 05:53:41 pm

I love with my bf and children he he is an alcoholic who went to rehab and came back stayed clean for a while but I think that's only because he has an interlock. He replaced alcohol with crack and when I caught him he swore he was gonna get help. He hasn't but he sleeps 24/7 when he is not working. He refuses to get out of bed and his boss and I are in contact to keep an eye out and do random drug tests. He is nasty or extremely emotional when he is awake. And I am ready to break. I want to stick it out till he gets sober but I don't know how long I can stay strong as I am not enabling him Alls we do is fight. Some days I just want to crack and baby him others I wanna run and never look back. But when I think of the good days it makes me want to stay. How do I stay strong for me and the kids.

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Faith

5/9/2016 05:54:27 pm

I love with my bf and children he he is an alcoholic who went to rehab and came back stayed clean for a while but I think that's only because he has an interlock. He replaced alcohol with crack and when I caught him he swore he was gonna get help. He hasn't but he sleeps 24/7 when he is not working. He refuses to get out of bed and his boss and I are in contact to keep an eye out and do random drug tests. He is nasty or extremely emotional when he is awake. And I am ready to break. I want to stick it out till he gets sober but I don't know how long I can stay strong as I am not enabling him Alls we do is fight. Some days I just want to crack and baby him others I wanna run and never look back. But when I think of the good days it makes me want to stay. How do I stay strong for me and the kids?

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Jean Ann

6/23/2016 08:31:09 am

I live in fear of the telephone ringing. Heroin has taken the soul of my 27 year old daughter and the war is in the 8th year. She now is 7 months pregnant and without the father. Enabling? Yes, I'm guilty. How does a mother watch her pregnant daughter walk away into only God knows what?

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Lisa

7/12/2016 10:52:33 am

I have been enabling my friend of over 38 yrs in one way or another. In the past few yrs his alcohol addiction has almost killed him and I have "rescued" him. I am struggling b/c I gave him a choice of Rehab or move out. Then I had to get tough and push him out. I need reassurance that my tough love is right. I know it is and even if he dies I can't be responsible. But my head and my heart are struggling.

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Angela Marcotte

7/20/2016 02:45:55 pm

My son has been involved with Teen Challenge for 13 months and has been clean the whole time. His drugs of choice when he went in were opiates and heroin, but he would do other things to. He is now asking if I can put his car in my name so he can get cheaper insurance for when he gets home. I am proud of him, but I am also worried that his old habits will take over once he gets home, so I am not comfortable with this. My mind says I should not put the car and insurance in my name because he is the reason his rates will be high given the tickets and accidents, etc. he has been in and his credit rating. I am also letting him stay temporarily at my home while he finds a new job and gets a new place (so he does not go back to the place where all of this started and continued and around those same people). He will be paying me rent while he stays at my home. I don't want him to be angry with me, but I don't want to start being an enabler again either once he is home, and letting him manipulate me about money, etc. I also never did this for his two brothers who have never been in trouble, so it really is not fair to them. Honestly, he has really sucked a lot out of me the last 10 years emotionally and financially, and I do not want it to start up again. My heart wants to help, but my head says let him help himself with his car and insurance. . .

At a loss here. . .

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Angela Marcotte

7/20/2016 02:46:05 pm

My son has been involved with Teen Challenge for 13 months and has been clean the whole time. His drugs of choice when he went in were opiates and heroin, but he would do other things to. He is now asking if I can put his car in my name so he can get cheaper insurance for when he gets home. I am proud of him, but I am also worried that his old habits will take over once he gets home, so I am not comfortable with this. My mind says I should not put the car and insurance in my name because he is the reason his rates will be high given the tickets and accidents, etc. he has been in and his credit rating. I am also letting him stay temporarily at my home while he finds a new job and gets a new place (so he does not go back to the place where all of this started and continued and around those same people). He will be paying me rent while he stays at my home. I don't want him to be angry with me, but I don't want to start being an enabler again either once he is home, and letting him manipulate me about money, etc. I also never did this for his two brothers who have never been in trouble, so it really is not fair to them. Honestly, he has really sucked a lot out of me the last 10 years emotionally and financially, and I do not want it to start up again. My heart wants to help, but my head says let him help himself with his car and insurance. . .

At a loss here. . .

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Nancy Burton

1/29/2017 07:12:50 am

Just so you know from my situation you are wasting your time and you need help as I do..

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Deborah

10/11/2017 11:11:32 am

Hello did teen challenge help your son? I want to put my husband in that program

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Nancy Burton

1/29/2017 07:09:55 am

Our story is a long and very gripping story.. In the end it has been a waste of time, health & lots of money.. My son has buried him self over & over & we have paid the price... I am so sorry that he had ADHD & we didnt get it.. So he tried to fix himself.. He was such a hard worker.. Eagle Scout.. All State football player..very active in his church etc but now has lost all hope & lives on the streets... Please help us to survive out mistakes..worry..& health problems from this devastating reality...Thank you..

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Tara P

3/4/2017 01:31:44 am

The only answer to this puzzle lies with yourself - stop beating yourself up
Seek help from support groups to help you understand why enabling is so destructive
I know I can't fix my adult 24 year old son - remind him only he can do something about it when he is good and ready
This addiction in its 12th year
Heroin and opiates and other drugs and alcohol in 6th year
Enabling can be paying utilities can be lending money can be paying fines taxis buying food in fact anything where you do what the addict should be doing themselves in other words paying for normal day to day outlay
Certainly walk in their shoes- let them know u care and let them know ur prepared to help them get help if they really really want it
Let them know they are not alone
Remind them frequently it is their responsibility only as an adult to pay up for every day living just as it is yours to pay your way
Do not let your guard down for 1 minute- addicts are so very creative believable & clever- of course you want to be believe them and u don't want to see them suffer - but your only adding to the poison pot of addiction if you do
Do not let addiction destroy you - I was nearly I say nearly destroyed through worry but I am not destroyed
I do not feel guilty - I have done my utmost so have my family - to make him see sense
You cannot make an affict see sense - they only see sense when reality & consequences face them to finally re evaluate their existence
You need to be strong & reach out for help yourself

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Gail

4/9/2017 09:48:44 pm

I know I have been enabling my 23 year old son. I give him money,food & now he is using my car. He talks a good talk about how he knows he's an addict & he can stop. He says he got of of fyntenal by working on his own. He admits to still smoking pot. He is back in college & only has 33 hours to graduate. I want to believe in him but I know the truth in my head it's just making my heart believe it. I find it hard to tell him I need him to give me my car back &that I can no longer be giving him money. Deep down I'm scared to death he will end up in jail or worse dead. He has had very good jobs & had excuses as to why he quit. He was living w me but didn't want to be held accountable like we agreed so he up & moved in with a friend that I am sure smokes pot. He quit his part time job becz he says his classes & homework along w a job was too stressful. So I've been paying his rent. He sold his car but hasn't bought a different one & is using mine. Truth be known he doesn't even have the money anymore to buy another car. Tough love is hard to do but I know it's my only choice. He could have such a better life I just don't get it!! I've talked & talked to him. I just don't know how it got to be this way.

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Brenda lehmer

4/22/2017 08:38:25 pm

I really feel like I have failed my other kids and done way too much for my addict. I know I have a deep rooted problem with not wanting him to die. I have had so much to deal with these past 5 years it's hard to even wrap my head around it. It's a very long story so will tell the worst. My son lived with my husband and I and did the drugs underneath our noses so that was the beginning of me enabling him so it kept continuing a nd then my husband was killed in an accident and he still was doing drugs then went to rehab and got out and he's living army friends house but can't keep a job so I keep giving him money to live. I have to find a way to let him figure things out on his own.

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Sammie Ladd

7/13/2017 07:29:51 pm

I know exactly how you feel. My 27 year old daughter has been addicted to opiates since the age of 14. It is so hard: the guilt, the blaming yourself, the hopeless feeling. I have to other children and I feel like my daughter'so addiction has taken way to much of my energy and time away from them. My daughter now has a 1 year old daughter who is in the custody of her other grandmother. I get her several days a week to help out when I can. She was born 2 months early but measured like a baby much more premature. I just don't understand why my daughter doesn't change for the sake of her child. I have so many mixed emotions where she is concerned. She says she is ready to go to rehab but she doesn't have insurance and I don't know where to turn to get her help.

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Yvonne MartineZ

5/21/2017 07:25:14 pm

My girlfriend continue to do drugs illegal drugs and she says that it helps her pain. She chooses to be away from me because I b**** at her about it I feel that I can give her that feeling that she needs I'm there for everything that she needs and wants and help her through it all and I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much and I feel that if I pulled away from her and leave her to her own destiny it will just get worse and not better and I don't know what to do anymore I beat myself up and down about it. She's pulled away from me and doesn't want to see me because she has says that she needs to do this on her own I just don't know how to be away from her and not help her. I don't want to see her go down this path. She's already lost her job and possibly go to prison I need to know in which way I can help her please and help myself at the same time.