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01 April, 2014

Let me introduce myself. My name is John Stevenson, but for the past
decade or so I've written on the world of Horror, Sci-Fi, and Exploitation Film
as your friendly neighborhood Unimonster.
Seven years ago, I started this site, the Unimonster’s Crypt, as a way
to bring you, the reader, my thoughts on these genres that we love; a sort of
op-ed on horror film. Other sites exist
to bring you the latest news, and believe me, they are much better at it than I
could be. One thing I can do that is
unique is share my opinion on matters that touch upon genre film. In the past, that has included such diverse
topics as Universal’s often cavalier treatment of the Monsters, the joys of
dollar-store DVDs, and the Halloween memories of a child of the ‘70s.

However, this page has been dormant
for nearly two years now, for a number of reasons. Too little time, and too many demands upon
that time. The demands of writing a
book, which tends to monopolize what time I can spend at the keyboard. The lack of an internet connection for much
of that time. However, the foremost
reason I was absent from here was simpler than that, yet harder to overcome. For some time, I felt that I had run out of
things to say.

I’ll go into more detail on that in
the first article below [Next Generation, Next Steps], but suffice it to say that that is no longer
true. I’m still working on the book, I
still have too little time, but I do have things to say and to share with those
who love genre film. For those who were
readers of this page before the hiatus, welcome back and thank you for trying
us again. There have been some changes,
but hopefully we've managed to hold on to the things that make the Crypt unique
and enjoyable. Senior correspondent
Bobbie is still here, though she may be scaling back her writing to just when
her muse insists, and S. J. is back, and will be expanding her role to include
more than her MST3K reviews. There will
also be more surprises coming in the months ahead, things that we hope will
keep the Crypt fresh and new.

For those of you new
to the Unimonster’s Crypt, welcome!
Please make yourself at home, and feel free to let us know how you like
what we have to offer. As you’ll soon
discover, while we cover all aspects of horror and science-fiction here, we
tend to gravitate towards the classic end of the spectrum … and by classic, we
don’t mean something from 2002. Classic
here means pre-1990 at a minimum, and usually much older. There’s a reason my nom du horreur is the Unimonster … it’s my way to recognize the
great Universal monsters, the creatures and killers that first fired my love of
Horror more than forty-five years ago.
You’ll see that they still figure prominently in my love of genre
movies, and in my writings on the subject.
I hope that you will come to appreciate them as I do, if you don’t
already.

And for everyone who
visits us here in the Crypt, please enjoy … and Stay Scary!

Recently, I've taken a little hiatus
from writing this column. Work, other
projects, life in general, all conspired to keep me from focusing on what has
long been one of my true loves—writing about the world of Horror and
Exploitation film. To be honest, I was
burnt out … unable to find new inspiration, or new ideas, in the current horror
offerings; and tired of rehashing older classics that, though well-loved, had
been thoroughly explored in these pages.
Though I still loved the genre movies, I had begun to believe that I had
run out of things to say regarding them.

It was at this point, quite frankly a
low one for the ol’ Unimonster, that something happened that changed my outlook
on the situation, and reawakened my muse.
The Uni-Nephew, with whom I've always shared a love of the big-budget
super-hero, sci-fi, and fantasy blockbusters, turned fifteen. Suddenly, he began to take more of an
interest in horror films; even those gore films which a short time before would
have been far too intense for him. We
saw several of the new crop of horror at the theater or Drive-In; this only
fueled his desire for more. Of course I,
being the doting uncle, was all too pleased to serve as his guide to the genre
that I love so much, and have since I was far younger than he. Now, frequent “movie nights” have become an
anticipated event for the Unimonster, the Uni-Nephew, and his cousin the
Rug-Monkey. The Monkey has long been a
horror fan, and was eager to get a crack at the Crypt’s Movie Room.

This prejudice isn't easy to overcome,
but it can be done. The key is to
gradually acclimate them to ‘classic’ horror.
Though I’d love to screen the Universal horrors so beloved of my
childhood, or the giant bugs and alien invaders of the 1950’s, I know both the
boys would rise up in revolt at the indignation of sitting through a (shudder) black-and-white movie. At least, they would now. But with every movie that they watch, their
tastes grow more refined, more appreciative of the great wealth of cinema
that’s available if one only looks past Hollywood’s remakes, sequels, and
uninspired knock-offs. Soon perhaps,
they’ll ask to see those Universal Horrors that captivated me more than forty
years ago.

At least that is my hope. Like all good things, I know that ‘movie
nights’ won’t last long. The Uni-Nephew
is already looking forward to the day he’ll have his learner’s permit in one
hand and a steering wheel in the other, and, like his sister before him, he’ll
find that there are much more entertaining things to do than hang out with
one’s uncle. That’s okay … that’s life,
and I understand that. It’ll still hurt
when that day comes, but I’ll understand.
I just hope that before that day comes I can pass along to him a lasting
love for genre film, and an ability to appreciate the great horror films of the
past hundred years, be they silent, black-and-white, or whatever. That will be my gift to him.

And his gift to me will be the
knowledge that I still have things to say about these movies that are, and have
always been, such an important part of my life.

Seven years ago, I proclaimed Zack Snyder’s epic vision of
Frank Miller’s graphic novel 300 the
Movie of the Year for 2007. It had
everything that makes a movie great … well almost everything, unless you want
to count Gerard Butler’s shaved pecs as breasts, which I don’t. Rumors of a sequel began almost immediately,
though I wasn't quite sure how such a feat would occur, with the Spartans lying
slaughtered on the field of Thermopylae.
It took a while, but Zack Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, and Frank Miller
finally figured out a way to revisit the Greco-Persian wars—by putting them to
sea. 300:
Rise of an Empire focuses on the battle of Salamis, fought in September,
480 BCE, roughly concurrent with the battle of Thermopylae. The Athenian fleet, commanded in part by a
general named Themistocles, decisively defeated the Persian fleet commanded by
the Persian emperor Xerxes I, and Queen Artemisia of Caria, located on what is
now the southwest coast of Turkey.

With Snyder busy with the directing chores on last summer’s
blockbuster Man of Steel, Noam Murro
was chosen to helm the project. Murro,
whose only feature prior to this was the 2008 film Smart People, had originally been named to direct the Bruce Willis
action sequel A Good Day to Die Hard,
but dropped out to take this assignment instead. While he seemed an odd choice when announced,
it’s hard to find fault with the decision, as the finished project will attest. Working with a script penned by Snyder and
Johnstad, the same team that brought 300
to the screen, Murro keeps the action flowing at a reasonable pace, though it
does come across as a bit more ‘talky’ than its predecessor.

Leading the cast is Sullivan Stapleton, an Australian actor
with a great deal of experience in television in his home country, though he
has made occasional appearances in American productions, most recently 2013’s Gangster Squad. He plays Themistocles as a man devoted to the
ideal of a united Greece, with all the separate city-states banding together to
resist the Persian onslaught. Stapleton
is very good as the Athenian general, convincing the viewer of his faith in a
pan-Hellenic alliance. I doubt that this
will prove to be the breakout role for him that Leonidas was for Butler, but
time will tell. Opposite Stapleton is
Eva Green, as the commander of Xerxes’ navy, Artemisia. This is really her movie, and she commands
every scene she appears in, as well as helping to provide the one thing that
the first movie lacked—a healthy dose of female nudity. Some familiar faces from the first movie
appear—Lena Headey as the Spartan queen, Gorgo, David Wenham as Dilios, Andrew
Tiernan as Ephialtes, and of course Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes. However, with the exception of Santoro’s
Xerxes, this is not their movie, and they take up little screen time.

I took the Uni-Nephew with me to see this one on its opening
weekend, and I must say both of us loved it.
We saw the 2D version, but I would say that had there been a 3D version
starting at the same time, we would’ve opted for that; this is a movie that
begs to be seen on the big screen, in three dimensions. The effects were spectacular, the photography
beautiful, and, just as the first did, it perfectly captures the mood and style
of Miller’s graphic novels. My
recommendation is simple: if you loved the first film, you won’t be
disappointed here. But don’t wait for
the home video release—get to the theater and see it, now … in 3D.

The year is 1000 AE, which stands for "After
Earth," a time when Earth, ravaged by pollution, has been rendered
uninhabitable for human life. General
Cypher Raige (Will Smith), the emotionally void legendary head of the Ranger
Corps, is heading out on his last mission before retirement. Cypher's wife Faia (Sophie Okonedo) convinces
him to take their petulant son, Kitai, who recently failed his promotion to Cadet,
along for some father/ son bonding. During the flight, the ship encounters a
meteor shower and, although warned against flying through it, Cypher orders the
crew to stay the course. The badly
damaged ship crash-lands on Earth and all aboard are killed. Except Cypher, who has two badly broken legs,
and Kitai, who is unhurt.

Discovering their rescue beacon has been
damaged, Cypher orders Kitai to walk to the rear of the broken-in-half ship,
now lying 100 kilometers away, and retrieve the other rescue beacon. If Kitai fails this mission, they will both
die. So begins Kitai's dangerous journey
through uncharted land and past the blind but fear-pheromone smelling combative
alien creatures called "ursas" where he battles apes and giant eagles
to save his father and prove his worth.

Knowing before-hand that After Earth had won the Razzie for Worst Actor (Jaden Smith), Worst
Supporting Actor (Will Smith) and Worst Screen Combo (Will and Jaden) and
having read a multitude of scathing reviews, I tried not to let those influence
my opinion. Now I am left wondering if After Earth deserves the abysmal 11%
Rotten rating at Rotten Tomatoes. So, in
order to remain unbiased, I interviewed an Average Joe audience member:

Me: Sir,
after having finished watching After
Earth, what are your immediate thoughts about the movie?

AJ: It
needed more people in the script. It was
too ambitious a movie for just two people.
They got rid of the entire supporting cast so quickly, they should have
all been wearing red shirts from Star
Trek!

Me: You
have stated you are a fan of Will Smith. What is your opinion on his acting in this
movie?

AJ: Will
has shown he can do comedy well as proven by the Men In Black trilogy and he can do drama, such as in I Am Legend. In After
Earth, it felt phoned in. Like he
was purposely under-playing his role so as not to over-shadow his son's acting.
The acting felt sluggish.

Me: And
what did you think of Jaden's acting in this?

AJ: Jaden
shows signs of growing up to be a decent actor. But he hasn't got the chops yet to lay an entire
multi-million dollar movie on his 14 year-old shoulders. Maybe a TV show ... like on Nickelodeon. Or Fresh
Prince.

Me: Do
you have any thoughts on the directing?

AJ: M.
Night Shyamalan has sucked the life out of every movie he's directed since Signs in 2002. In After
Earth, he proves he's just another has-been hack for hire! Still, no worse than The Last Airbender.

Me: On
a scale of zero stars for worst film ever made to five stars for greatest
picture since the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, what score do you give After Earth?

AJ: 2
stars.

Me: Why
so high?

AJ: Really rad special effects and CGI! Had it
not been for that, I'd have walked out of the theater half-way through this
movie.

Me: Thank you so much for your time!

It's rumored that Will Smith came up with the
plot to this movie while playing a video game with friends. Maybe that explains why After Earth felt like a video game with motionless Cypher sitting
drearily as he monitors Kitai’s actions though his video screen and sternly
instructs his son's every move. Even the
precious few times Kitai disobeys his father's commands and goes by his
gut-instincts feel as if he's less than a budding hero and more like the
insubordinate pre-teen that he is. This
is heightened by the let-us-walk-you-through-this script. An effortlessly gifted father who presses his
less-talented son to follow in his foot-steps. Real life? Or …After
Earth?

For as long as I can remember I have enjoyed a
good laugh, a good fright, and have been exposed to my fair share of bad
movies. Growing up with Bugs Bunny, The
Marx Brothers, Bob Hope, Carol Burnett, Johnny Carson, The Dean Martin Roasts,
and the endless one-liners from the ORIGINAL Hollywood Squares game show, I
became quite skilled with the “aside”, sarcasm, innuendo, and just downright
belly-laughing guffaws. Oh yeah, I
failed to include HEE HAW in that mix (along with too many other names and
shows). That show instilled its own kind
of humor which is still with me to this day.
During my pre-teen and teenage years, I was fortunate to spend some of
my movie-watching hours at the drive-in.
To this day, I can remember vividly some of the shock, schlock, and
shivers. I remember the taste and the
smell of the popcorn, the anticipation of the Intermission Countdown, and the
crackle of the speakers. All of these are wonderful memories indeed, and
helpful to drown out the painful thoughts of the hometown drive-in that was
destroyed to make room for a strip mall.

Accompanied with this outside-the-home movie
enjoyment, we had our own TV Horror Host (The Fear Monger). Between his Saturday night escapades, I was
exposed to arguably the greatest TV decade EVER, particularly for the horror,
suspense, and crime genre. Seriously,
with fare like Kolchak: The Night Stalker,
The NBC Mystery Movie, Circle of Fear, and movies like The Legend of Lizzie Borden, Crowhaven Farm,
Don’t be Afraid of the Dark, and Gargoyles
how could I NOT love it!! I still watch
these on coveted DVDs today!!! Ah the
70’s, full of highs and many personal lows, but little did I know that it would
be nearly another 20 years of living before another show would cram EVERYTHING
together for me in a nice, neat Cowtown Puppet Show package.

FAST FORWARD:
March 1992

So I went to school, went to work, had moved
to South Florida where I would meet my future husband and we would start our
family. In March ’92, I was watching The
Comedy Channel (Comedy Central’s first name), and I discovered something
beautiful. There was this guy, with two
robots, in a spaceship theater, and they were TALKING through The Crawling Hand. It was love at first
sight. Whenever work and life schedule
would permit it, I was watching this show.
Then, I noticed the show always ended with a salute to “The authors of
the First Amendment and The Teachers of America” AND then it would say…”KEEP
CIRCULATING THE TAPES”. SO I started
recording the episodes as often as I could.
And it is this show that I have taught my boys to love and that we are
STILL watching a quarter-century later: Mystery Science Theater 3000.

As many know, MST3K started as a local show in
Minneapolis (KTMA) in 1989 and was the brain-child of comedian-extraordinaire,
Joel Hodgson. It revolved around a
maintenance guy (Joel Robinson played by Hodgson) who worked for two nefarious
characters, Dr. Erhardt (Josh “Elvis” Weinstein) and Dr. Clayton Forrester
(Trace Beaulieu), at Gizmonic Institute.
He was forced into a human experiment of watching painfully bad movies
to break his spirit. Erhardt and Forrester thought that the success of this
experiment would further their advancement in conquering the world. Joel, getting lonely in space, created robots
from things he found around the ship.
These robots would become his children, friends, and sparring partners
and two of them would even accompany him into the theater to share his movie
experiences: Tom Servo and Crow T.
Robot.

Josh Weinstein gave Tom Servo life during the
KTMA year and the “official” Season 1 on Comedy Central. Trace Beaulieu managed Crow T. Robot from the
beginning until MST3K left CC to join The Sci-Fi Channel (now SyFy) in 1997. All of them, along with Kevin Murphy (Future
Tom Servo), Michael J. Nelson (future host), and Bill Corbett (future Crow T.
Robot), Frank Coniff (TV’s Frank who replace Weinstein in Season 2) and many
others added their own comedy touches within the writing of the show. The humor would normally stay current with
many pop culture references to the 60’s and 70’s (which I identified with
completely). Every once in awhile, there
will be a topical political joke or pun that could get lost in future years. The greatest thing about this show is that it
was great at being an “EQUAL OPPORTUNITY POLITICAL JOKESTER”. What I mean by that is that the SHOW did not
take sides, and I loved that so much. I
remember that is why I loved Johnny Carson because he railed BOTH sides of the
aisle. For this reason and because the
show never strayed from what it was – three characters sitting and making fun
of movies, it will likely remain a cult favorite. And let’s face it, most of us have talked to
our TV sets all our lives!!! AND…they
got to do it in a THEATER…..now THAT was cool.

Another element that endeared me to Mystery
Science Theater was it contained many characteristics of the “Horror Host”
movies so prevalent in my younger years.
I became acquainted with the opening segments and skits between
commercial breaks. As a kid, I always
felt this broke the tension of the very SCARY movies being aired that
night. As an adult, I found these bits
filled with dry humor and wonderful sight gags that I continue to use today. The tribute to the Horror Host was quite
evident. There were mad scientists,
invention exchanges, running jokes from episode to episode, cheap props, and
the destruction of civilizations – all neatly confined on the bone-shaped ship
called The Satellite of Love. Of course,
there was an Umbilicus that connected them to Deep 13 (The Mads’ Lair), but
that is going to lead to some tedious detail about the show’s final years…and
well…..JUST WATCH, okay????? In
addition, there were all kinds of visitors and intruders on the SOL over the
years; from Demon Dogs to Nanites. Even
a quarter-century after its birth, MST3K is still gaining fans and getting DVD
releases each year. Not bad for a show
that used broken pieces of a Hungry Hungry Hippo game and Millennium Falcon
model as parts for the set.

Lastly, the show EMBRACED the bad movie. Lord knows that if Hollyweird knows how to
put out one product well, it is the cheesy flick. Not all of the MST3K library includes the
horror/sci-fi genre either, sometimes it would delve into the Action (MST3K #614 San Francisco International),
Fantasy (MST3K #505 The Magic Voyage of
Sinbad), Teenage Angst (MST3K #507 I
Accuse My Parents), and the occasional Ed Wood or Coleman Francis film
(because they deserve their own category, don’t they? ... hmmmm???). Personally, I love the horror and science
fiction genres the best; HOWEVER, many laughs are to be had at the expense of
these other films, along with the short subjects that sometimes accompany
movies who’s running times needed padding.
If you are a child of the 1960’s, you may remember actually viewing some
of those short subjects in school.
Personally, I remember seeing Keeping
Neat and Clean (MST3K #613 The
Sinister Urge) in one of our Health Classes, AND I am pretty sure I also
was lucky (ahem) to see The Chicken of
Tomorrow (MST3K #702 The Brute Man).
I’m sure there were many others too.
It’s a shame today’s kids are not exposed to these cinematic morsels,
but MY BOYS ARE…. hee hee hee. And no, don’t call CPS, it is NOT an
enforceable offense – I've checked.

We are fortunate today that Mystery Science
Theater lives on through tapes, DVDs, and even is streamed through Netflix,
Hulu, and shows can be found on YouTube.
Many of the show’s members branched out to do their own incarnations of
MST3K in other ventures. Joel Hodgson
headed Cinematic Titanic which did live appearances and DVD releases. They disbanded in 2013 as members (which
included Frank Coniff and Trace Beaulieu) decided to do other projects. Hodgson revived the old Comedy Central format
of an MST3K Turkey Day celebration by running a humorous and heartfelt marathon
on a YouTube channel on Thanksgiving Day 2013.
It was simply AMAZING!!! The most
successful spin-off has been the RiffTrax collaboration of Mike Nelson, Kevin
Murphy, and Bill Corbett. The RT crew
leaves NOTHING unscathed: Shorts,
serials, good movies, bad movies, blockbusters, or the blockbuster. They utilize video-on-demand where customers
have the option to download the movies to their own devices OR purchase
DVD’s. RiffTrax can also bypass excruciating
“rights” purchases by just selling commentaries to movies most of can rent or
readily acquire. Do you know how much
fun it has been to watch ALL the Star Wars movies completely riffed??? It is sheer joy, my friend…pure joy.

In conclusion, if you like to laugh and you
don’t mind some of your precious little films getting stepped on, seek out
Mystery Science Theater 3000, Cinematic Titanic, and RiffTrax. DO IT!!
Do it NOW…..DON’T LOSE ANOTHER DAY!!!