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The Remedial Observational Comic

Ever notice how it’s always the women who have breasts? What’s up with that?

I swear, every analog watch I’ve ever bought runs clockwise.

You know what weighs a hell of a lot? An elephant. You don’t want one of those mamas dropped on your head.

I got nothing against immigrants, but I’ll tell you, with very few exceptions they all talk funny. There’s a Vietnamese family that does my dry cleaning; I can’t understand a word those people are saying.

Let me say this about milk: The newer the better.

Has this ever happened to you: You’re sitting at home, you realize you need something — like eggs or a stapler — so you get some money, you go to a store, you walk in the store, you find what you’re looking for, you go up to the counter and pay for it, and then you go back home? Three, four times a week I have the same experience. It’s eerie, man. Freakin’ eerie.

You know what stains like you wouldn’t believe? Permanent marker.

Here’s a big difference between cats and dogs: You breed a dog with another dog, they’ll go to town. You breed a dog with a cat, neither one of them is interested.

Is it me, or do all those UPS guys all dress alike?

Have you ever noticed when someone starts talking to you, he’ll turn around and face you while he’s talking? Do you know these people? It’s not enough that they’re talking to you, they’ve gotta look at you at the same time?

I have never once met a man who shaves in the dark. What is that about? Are we all scaredy cats or something?

Why aren’t there any black people in klezmer bands? Can somebody explain this to me? Is there some kind of Afro-Semitic race rivalry going on that I don’t know about?

You know what would really suck? A lifetime of poverty, disease, and starvation, followed by a brutal execution for a crime you didn’t commit at the hands of a sadistic military dictatorship. Suck-o-rama.

Is it my imagination or are celebrities generally more attractive than the average person?

You know, you bring up the Holocaust during foreplay and it totally kills the mood.