New TV Channel Aims Itself At Infants

Sick of watching your kids but too cheap to hire a babysitter? No problem, television has you covered. As Homer Simpson once said, it's a mother, a father, and if you have the Playboy Channel, a secret lover.

Yesterday, the controversial new TV channel BabyFirstTV went on the air with programming aimed specifically at infants between ages 6 months and 3 years. This of course ignores the advice from experts that children under the age of 2 shouldn't be allowed near the idiot box, but parents desperate to get their screaming baby to sleep probably won't care once they find out how well their evening television show "Sandman" works at getting infants to sleep. The people at BabyFirstTV are quick to dismiss the controversy by pointing out that parents are going to dump their kids in front of the TV anyway. I guess you're better off dumping them in front of this channel than in front of TV Land reruns of Miami Vice.

The channel's programming lineup will include shows like the aforementioned "Sandman", designed to put babies to sleep. Also on their programming list is "Hide and Seek", a show in which two animated squirrels take turns hiding an acorn; and "Black and White", the video version of a lava lamp.

BabyFirstTV insists that their programming isn't meant to excuse bad parenting, in fact some of their shows are designed to foster parent/baby interaction. Some will even have subtitles to instruct parents how to play along with their kids. What ever happened to story time?

Despite screams of outrage from experts, mothers who previewed the program along with their infants gave it mostly positive reviews, according to The Times Online. Why? Says one mother, "It really helped me. I could get housework done." Translation: Thank god that kid finally left me alone for a few goddamn minutes so I could watch my soaps!