Oh, Say Can You Squawk?: The
patriotism fad seems to be a bust. Its one thing to
fly a tiny flag on your car antenna, but the true test of
loyalty is training your parrot to utter pro-American
sayings like Down with Osama,
Afghanistan banana stand and
Polly wants a smart bomb.

Sadly, a Washington company that produces custom CDs that
teach birds to talk reports zero demand for patriotic
parrot lessons.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Trivia:
The upcoming 20th anniversary edition of Trivial Pursuit
will contain an unusual twist -- a trivia question
written by a member of the public. Hasbro is sponsoring a
contest in which people can have a quirky personal feat
immortalized in a question (details at www.trivialpursuit.com).
Unfortunately, the rest of the game might be pretty dull.
Thats because the categories for questions are
restricted to such tiresome topics as movies, headlines
and sports. Therefore, we propose livening up the game
with some new categories and sample questions:

-- Crime and Punishment. If mosquitoes replaced
the electric chair as a method for executing prisoners,
how many bites would it take to suck all the blood from a
typical inmate? (Answer: 1.2 million.)
-- Beauty Pageants. What beauty contest is held
in Atlantic City each February? (No, not Miss America. Its
the Miss Cement Mixer pageant, in which judges rate
cement trucks painted to resemble zebras or hot rods. The
winner gets a sash.)
-- Lovers Spats. Around Valentines
Day, hospital emergency rooms report an increase in what
type of injury, according to a California psychologist? (Fork
stabbings, usually committed by women whose dinner dates
asked them to split the check. Another case involved a
woman who tried to strangle her beau with a G-string.)
-- Illegal Bodily Functions. What is the penalty
for urinating in public during Carnival season in Cologne,
Germany? ($8.63.)
-- Dying to Get Into Show Biz. How many actors
are on the waiting list to play corpses on the HBO
mortuary drama Six Feet Under? (3,000.)
-- Prurient Publishing. Which of these romance
novel titles are real: Hootenanny Nurse,
Doctor in Bondage, The
Hard-Boiled Virgin, The Nurse and
the Pirate, The Abortive Hussy?
(Theyre all real, according to author Jennifer
McKnight-Trontz in The Book of Love: The Art
of the Romance Novel.)

Alarming Trends Bureau: The world is
being overrun by Elvii. In addition to exponential growth
in the number of Elvis impersonators (up from 1,000 in
1987 to 10,000 in 1997 to 35,000 last year), now theres
the threat of cloning. A Texas company is auctioning off
a lock of the Kings hair, and admits the strands
could be used to duplicate the Hunka-hunka burnin
loves DNA.

The Torch Still Burns:A few weeks
ago, we told you about several new Winter Olympics sports,
such as the Moulin Luge. Now there are more, as we
explained in a Feb. 25 Los Angeles Times article,
excerpted below:

In a bold attempt to keep its ratings sky-high after the
conclusion of the Winter Olympics, NBC has decided to
extend the event indefinitely. Unfortunately, because
many of the participants are busy taping an Olympics-themed
episode of "The Weakest Link," the network has
had to make a few adjustments.
For example, all judging will now be handled by an
impartial panel of jurists--the Dancing Itos from NBC's
"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno." The network
is also introducing a bevy of new sports to its "Must
Ski TV" lineup:

-- The Other Skeleton: Not to be confused with
the 90-mph sled race in the real Games, this event
entails hunting for actual human skeletons inside a rural
Georgia crematory.

-- Bobsled & Carol & Ted & Alice:
Can you say orgy on ice?

-- Speed Cloning: Racing against government
crackdowns on the duplication of human beings, mad
scientists attempt to destroy civilization as we know it
by cloning Richard Simmons.

-- Skate and Leopold: A freak time portal brings
a 19th century gentleman to Salt Lake City, where he is
forced to compete in figure skating.

-- Olympic Sniveling: To placate the hurt
feelings of the Russians and improve their gold medal
chances, this event is specifically matched to their
newest talent--whining.

-- The New Biathlon: The original biathlon
combined cross-country skiing with target shooting,
making it one of the most difficult competitions. To
spice things up, the new biathlon mixes skiing and
surgery. Athletes must race along a treacherous ski path,
then perform a delicate brain operation.

Lawsuit of the Month: The Chicago Sun-Times
reports that a Canadian bank robber who held up another
bank after being paroled is suing the Canadian National
Parole Board, claiming that he wouldnt have
returned to a life of crime if the board hadnt
released him.