You’re Not Leaving the House Wearing That!

Does accepting our kids choices imply approval?

There it was, a plastic sparkly blue hat, and my two year old son found his treasure. He just loves hats.

My wife was away and I am getting my children ready to go to the pizza shop for supper and my son insists on wearing his new blue hat. His two older brothers would have nothing to do with it. We are not going if he wears that hat. I, on the other hand, was completely at peace with it. There was no reason to be embarrassed for no one could suspect me of choosing his getup.

When your child is two it’s relatively easy not to be embarrassed by their choice of attire, but what about when he or she is 12 or older? Then it’s not as simple.

Clothing is a common source of tension in many homes. Parents and their teens often bicker over acceptable mode of dress. We really have to take a moment and ask ourselves: Is it worth the fight?

The first thing I suggest we do is introspect into the true motivation behind our battle. Are we fighting because we feel it is unhealthy for the child to dress this way or is it because we are embarrassed about what our neighbors and friend will say? This takes a great deal of self honesty but if we do come to the recognition that it is really our pride that we are worried about, then we are probably better off forgoing our pride for the sake of our relationship with our child.

If we are not prepared to forgo our honor, then I suggest we at least be honest with our child and tell him that we feel uncomfortable when he or she dresses this way and not hide behind another agenda. When parents preach that which is not in line with their true motivation, their children can sense the falsehood and it hurts their ability to trust and listen to their parents down the road.

Now let say you allow your child to dress in a way that bothers you, (or he doesn’t give you much of a choice) how are we going to deal with this situation going forward?

We can make disparaging comments every time our child comes down the stairs – You’re not really going to go out like that? – but what will be accomplished? We are just creating a wedge between ourselves and our child. Remember, the number one asset parents have towards helping their children develop is a close relationship and constant criticism and disapproval will only hurt that asset. They know already we don’t like their taste in clothing, so why constantly rehash it?

Embrace your child as he is.

We have to learn – probably the most difficult aspect of parenting – to embrace our child as he is. Parents commonly confuse the following two words - acceptance and approval. We fear that if we accept our child for who he is he will think we approve of everything he is doing.

But the two are clearly not the same. I can hate the blue hat you are wearing, but love you to death. I can even disapprove of your behavior and still love you to death. The two should never be confused and when they are – serious problems begin. When we confuse the two and show our child less love because we don’t like what he is doing, then we will have hurt him deeply and only weakened our chance of helping him down the road.

I think most of us would be great at helping the neighbor’s child if he was assigned to us for help. We would find a way to embrace him despite his current challenges and shortcomings. We would show him love and patience and do a masterful job of helping him grow. It is our own child where our anxiety and frustrations take us over, leading us to unhealthy reactions and behavior. The neighbor’s child I can happily walk down the street with my arm around him – even in his funny blue hat, but with my own I could never bear.

This is something we need to overcome if we want to help our child. We have to realize he is not our child that we own and outfit as we please – he is God’s and we were the ones assigned the holy task of holding his hand and guiding him with grace and pride.

Don’t worry about the neighbors; be confident and happy knowing that you are following God’s directive of lovingly taking care of the precious child He entrusted you with. Ultimately your child will give you so much to be proud of.

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About the Author

Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum just released his new book, "The Heart of Parenting" with Targum Press. heartofparenting.com

He is a rebbi in the Mesivta of Waterbury, weekly columnist in the English Yated Ne'eman, and author of "Run After (the right) Kavod" (Israel Bookshop) and two Hebrew books on personal growth, Olam Hamiddos and Olam Ha'avodah. He also offers private counseling on guidance and encouragement for parents and their children. He can be contacted at kestenbaum4@yeshivanet.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 12

(8)
scott,
January 28, 2014 9:06 AM

Can't disagree more with your advice.

"We have to learn to accept our children for who they are" Are you kidding? A 12 year old has no idea who they are. They don't know how to dress properly. Your job is to teach them. If my parents decided that who I thought I was at 12 should have been honored...I'd be a terrible person today. I was selfish and disrespectful and disorganized. I didn't work well with people and I dressed in a way to offend or attract negative attention because that's what my life was was about-attracting attention.

Did you ever think that your kids is pushing the boundaries of what he knows is acceptable just to see if you're paying attention and care enough about him to correct him? Maybe the problem is that your reluctance to parent-especially the unfun parts like setting rules and getting upset about his behavior-has led him to believe that you don't really care.

My parents did not let me leave the house dressed in a way that was inappropriate. They did not let me have inappropriate hairstyles of behave rudely or disrespectfully without consequence. They were my parents and knew better about who I was and who I would become than did the 12 year old me. Thank G*d he actually gave me parents interested in being parents instead of buddies and spectators. I needed them. I never doubted their love. I always knew that they cared.

You can do everyone -his teachers, his neighbors, his employers, his future spouse(s) and children a big favor and parent him. Set rules and enforce them. Establish a dress code for your family-why does the idiot on the street have the right to set his dress code and you his parents don't?

Or you can continue to be a wet sponge and take Mr. Validate your children's unacceptable behavior advice and raise another spoiled,ungrateful adult that comes back to Mr. Validation and his buddies to spend $400 and hour to hear how you never showed that you cared about him.

talmid,
January 30, 2014 12:55 AM

way off

scott you are basing all of your thoughts on one very false premise... I quote "my parents", "I would be a terrible person today", "my parents didn't" -the world is completely different than it was when you grew up. children are much more disrespectful and that is a fact.. I sincerely hope you are not in a position of chinuch right now because your opinions will lead to a disaster. stop liking people who agree with your ideas- you are only validating yourself. how about taking an honest fresh deep logical and profound look at what you just read and for the productivity of society and yiddishkeit please try to apply them. hatzlocha

scott,
February 3, 2014 4:32 PM

It's not people like me who are the problem.

The world is not different. The sun still rises and sets. People still study torah.

Children are more disrespectful today because parents allow them to be. It's a hard thing to discipline your kids. You have to be willing to be unpopular with them. You have to be strong enough to stand alone and not accept your neighbors values as the values of your family. And you also have to care enough about them to spend the time coaching respect and good behavior.

I'm sorry but its not me that needs to avoid positions of authority with kids.

Leave your kids with me and they won't come home drunk or tattooed or having had inappropriate contact with others. They will not embarrass themselves or their families. Mainly because I set the standards in my house, on my team and in my care and enforce those standards. Kids respect that. They respect me. And they respect themselves. And they come back year after year. Boys and girls. Special needs or not. They know I care.

Children crave discipline-not physical discipline or harsh words-but rules and structure. They want strong parents. They need authority figures and will behave badly until someone cares enough to push back.

In my family children are not disrespectful because they are disciplined. My nieces and nephews are delights. Yes maam and no sir and home on time. They dress like decent people and are as completely trustworthy as children can be. So much so that the eldest boy traveled across the country to do his senior year college visit unaccompanied.

I challenge you to find many kids who have earned that level of trust from their parents.

It all starts with things like "You won't leave the house dressed like that." Teams have uniforms. Gangs have uniforms. And families have standards of dress. Which leads to standards of conduct and standards of morality. It's how you raise your kids to be good people.

(7)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2014 6:45 PM

Limits to Establishing Dress Guildlines

I understand that parents wish their kids to dress in a refine manner and not wear an outfit that will embarrass them and and the family. As once a teenager who was obsessed with the latest style (still am), I can understand why kids feel frustrated and almost incline to challenge their parents authority when is comes to establishing a dress code. While I believe a dress code serves some purpose, being draconian about it has proven to be a futile effort. Growing up in a strictly religious environment where modesty was overemphasized, I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to wear pants in public past a certain age nor saw the harm in not wanting to wear stockings or thick long socks in the summertime. I was resentful and wanted to dress like everyone else or at least be comfortable. Anything that was too tight, revealing, and short for my community's modesty guidelines were automatically repelled.No matter how hard my parents tried to force me to conform to the community standards of modesty, I eventually stopped caring. Looking good is what only mattered to me and I wasn't going to seek approval from anyone anymore. If they found my choice of clothing to be too provocative, they would have to learn to tolerate it. I have been berated before and it had no affect on me. The point is that I understand that parents what to protect their children's dignity as well as the family reputation but when a child veers off the path of what is suppose to be appropriate attire, biting criticism is pointless. Not all children want to wear black and white, loose clothing, calf-length skirts or stockings. I find it offensive when people refer to such individuals as sluts. Establish guidelines but don't push too hard.

(6)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2014 3:29 AM

You're Not leaving the house wearing that !

I am guilty of scolding my dear mother when I was a child, for wearing brightly colored clothes. She was from a foreign country where extroverts and bright colors were normal , but I was a product of the a more conservative country I grew up in. so as a 9 year old I would say "Mom, are you really going out like that?", worried that her "eccentricity" will somehow reflect on me , and losing the acceptance of the community. Four decades later I apologized to my mother for telling her off ! She on the other hand thought it was quite funny.

(5)
Aaron,
January 27, 2014 1:43 AM

Children needs guidance

I raised three children who knew what their mother and I would allow. It starts at a very young age. You feed them, love them, and establish standards (give them chores: put out the trash, wash your clothes, do the dishes, etc.). You give them a lot of freedom, but you set very strong limits. You never fight over what you cannot control and when you can control the situation, such as appropriate clothing, you control it without justification. If they say "Why?" you say because I am your parent and I feed you, clothe you and give you a place to live. If they say it's not fair, you say, life is not fair. I seldom argued, when I did and if I was wrong, I admitted it. Saying no will not harm them. I now have three happy adult children with 10 grandchildren. Now, i never participate in decisions regarding their children if not asked. Treat them with respect and treat them like people.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2014 8:20 PM

didn't work for us

we accepted every step our son took - lovingly supporting him. At this point he is, lo aleinu, completely unaffiliated with Judaism and is seriously involved with a non-Jewish girl. I think they need us, as parents, to set some limits; its our job.

(3)
MESA,
January 26, 2014 7:18 PM

The issue of appearance really does have us all walking a fine line. We do not want our children to wear anything that isn't consonant with halacha, but we often forget that halacha allows room for individual expression. My boys have tactile sensitivities and cannot wear "standard-size" kippot, but they love the extra-large kippot that I make for them. If a girl has a choice between a mid-calf straight black skirt vs. a maxi-length A-line printed skirt, and she chooses the print skirt, is that really worth a fight? I don't think so. If the print skirt is see-through, and she refuses to wear a lining, that's a different story. These are just examples, but overall, we need to remember that halacha isn't a matter of "my way or the highway," and it should NEVER be about what the neighbors might think.

(2)
AC,
January 26, 2014 5:34 PM

And what about bad taste? Vulgarity? Oversexual clothes for girls? I am deadly tired of all this "accept your child as she/he is" stuff. My child is a human being, it's right, but s/he is still human being in making, and my duty as a parent is to teach him some things about life, including how to dress well and not to accept his every whim .

JB Destiny,
January 26, 2014 8:42 PM

AC

Bad taste is very different from immodest or slutty. What seems to be bad taste to you could be all the rage for the tween/teen set. Last year my daughter wanted a pair of shoes that I thought were an absolutely hideous pattern, but were otherwise unobjectionable. I bought them for her, because teens aren't supposed to have the same tastes as 40-year-olds. My job isn't to dictate to her what "good taste" is, because that's very fluid and encompasses both the timeless and the trendy. Everything can't be an argument. Enforce standards of modesty, sure. But frankly, there's nothing to stop your child from obeying the rules in your house and wearing whatever she prefers away from you, including chucking all of the rules when she's an adult. Do you really want to be arguing about your child's clothing choices when she's 20, 30, or 40 years old? Because that's what happens when you believe you must dictate taste; you never get out of that habit.

author,
January 27, 2014 12:40 AM

teach not force

yes agreed, of course we must teach our children how to dress and act, but when we have to force them - then we have to strongly consider what's at stake in the way we handle each situation. as we wrote - accepting and approving are not one in the same and we can tell our children that as well.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2014 5:16 PM

Priority

Fashions change just like the choices children make of them, both are fleeting in the greater scheme of things. History shows us this.
Value instead your child from the inside out.
I don't even know your son and I love him already; he is pure.

Since honey is produced by bees, and bees are not a kosher species, how can honey be kosher?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Talmud (Bechoros 7b) asks your very question! The Talmud bases this question on the principle that “whatever comes from a non-kosher species is non-kosher, and that which comes from something kosher is kosher.”

So why is bee-honey kosher? Because even though bees bring the nectar into their bodies, the resultant honey is not a 'product' of their bodies. It is stored and broken down in their bodies, but not produced there. (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 81:8)

By the way, the Torah (in several places such as Exodus 13:5) praises the Land of Israel as "flowing with milk and honey." But it may surprise you to know that the honey mentioned in the verse is actually referring to date and fig honey (see Rashi there)!

In 1809, a group of 70 disciples of the great Lithuanian sage the Vilna Gaon, arrived in Israel, after traveling via Turkey by horse and wagon. The Vilna Gaon set out for the Holy Land in 1783, but for unknown reasons did not attain his goal. However he inspired his disciples to make the move, and they became pioneers of modern settlement in Israel. (A large contingent of chassidic Jews arrived in Tzfat around the same time.) The leader of the 1809 group, Rabbi Israel of Shklov, settled in Tzfat, and six years later moved to Jerusalem where he founded the modern Ashkenazic community. The early years were fraught with Arab attacks, earthquakes, and a cholera epidemic. Rabbi Israel authored, Pe'at Hashulchan, a digest of the Jewish agricultural laws relating to the Land of Israel. (He had to rewrite the book after the first manuscript was destroyed in a fire.) The location of his grave remained unknown until it was discovered in Tiberias, 125 years after his death. Today, the descendants of that original group are amongst the most prominent families in Jerusalem.

When you experience joy, you feel good because your magnificent brain produces hormones called endorphins. These self-produced chemicals give you happy and joyful feelings.

Research on these biochemicals has proven that the brain-produced hormones enter your blood stream even if you just act joyful, not only when you really are happy. Although the joyful experience is totally imaginary and you know that it didn’t actually happen, when you speak and act as if that imaginary experience did happen, you get a dose of endorphins.

These chemicals are naturally produced by your brain. They are totally free and entirely healthy.

Many people find that this knowledge inspires them to create more joyful moments. It’s not just an abstract idea, but a physical reality.

Occasionally, when I walk into an office, the receptionist greets me rudely. Granted, I came to see someone else, and a receptionist's disposition is immaterial to me. Yet, an unpleasant reception may cast a pall.

A smile costs nothing. Greeting someone with a smile even when one does not feel like smiling is not duplicity. It is simply providing a pleasant atmosphere, such as we might do with flowers or attractive pictures.

As a rule, "How are you?" is not a question to which we expect an answer. However, when someone with whom I have some kind of relationship poses this question, I may respond, "Not all that great. Would you like to listen?" We may then spend a few minutes, in which I unburden myself and invariably begin to feel better. This favor is usually reciprocated, and we are both thus beneficiaries of free psychotherapy.

This, too, complies with the Talmudic requirement to greet a person in a pleasant manner. An exchange of feelings that can alleviate someone's emotional stress is even more pleasant than an exchange of smiles.

It takes so little effort to be a real mentsch.

Today I shall...

try to greet everyone in a pleasant manner, and where appropriate offer a listening ear.

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