Doctor Who: I Think I Know the Doctor's Name (And A Bad Thing About The 50th Anniversary)

Of course the big revelation from "The Name of the Doctor" was not the birth name of the Time Lord, or even that his name was really all that big a secret. No, the real mystery was that somewhere along The Doctor's timeline is an incarnation that renounced that name and committed horrible atrocities. Despite the caption, "Introducing John Hurt as the Doctor" at the end, it's unknown what he will really be called.

The current theory is that between the Eighth Doctor and the Ninth was the Hurt Doctor, and it was he that waged the Time War that destroyed the Time Lords and the Daleks. That's just conjecture, though. I've also seen theories that the Hurt Doctor actually predates the First Doctor, or that he is the modern series interpretation of The Valeyard (An evil possible future Doctor portrayed by Michael Jayston that attempted to execute the Sixth Doctor), or even that he is a mysterious character from the novel Lungbarrow called The Other who helped found Time Lord society in the distance past and later hurled himself through time to be reborn as The Doctor.

The point is that the name of The Doctor has no real power at all. The danger was that his name opened the door to his body in his tomb in the Tardis, possibly leading to the eradication of all his heroics and the revelation of the terrible Hurt Doctor. Which is sad, because I woke up the other day and realized I knew the Doctor's name... his terribly, terribly boring name.

You could say that that was just Nine's little joke, though jokes like that were not necessarily his style. He preferred to plant little truthful hints rather than make up stuff outright. Also, there's no period between meeting Rose when he would be without her for him to go back in time to check that information without her knowing. So the only way that he would already know is if he was really responsible.

Granted, The Doctor met Santa and Saint Nicholas in several spin-off stories, but that hasn't happened in any of the modern ones. Also, it's been revealed that Santa uses Time Loops to accomplish his deliveries. It's possible that since the destruction of the Time Lords The Doctor has had to take over the duties as time travel has become less manageable and harder, with the death of the original Santa probably occurring as a result.

And who does Amelia Pond pray to fix the crack in her wall? Santa. Who shows up? The Doctor.

The Doctor: Ah, yes, blimey, sorry. Christmas eve on a rooftop, I saw a chimney... my whole brain just went... "What the hell?" Don't worry. The fat fella will be doing the rounds later. I'm just scoping out the general... chimney-ness. Yes. Nice size. Good traction. Big tick.

Man: Fat fella?

The Doctor: Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or, as I've always known him, Jeff.

If The Doctor is Santa, then the Doctor's name is Jeff.

Then again, he could have a ridiculous long Time Lord name like Romanadvoratrelundar, though Time Lords also had short names like Koschei (The Master's original name) or Rassilon. Maybe Jeff is short for Jeffobayolocaturgrathageyyilunbarrowmas or something.

Add that to the Eleventh Doctor's tendency to refer to married men by their wife's last name, and even their extended family. It could just be a throwaway joke that he refers to Rory as Rory Pond, but what if it isn't? What if it's a hallmark of Time Lord society? The Doctor's married name would be Jeff Song.

Remember what the Ood said as the Tenth Doctor was dying? "This song is ending, but the story never ends." This song is ending, and Ten already knows that River is his future wife by the time he dies. That's why the word Pond has such an effect on him in "The Snowmen." It's not just the name of his lost best friend, it's his name as well.

Jeff Song... no wonder he calls himself The Doctor.

Speaking of past Doctors, including Hurt, I don't think any of them will really be appearing in the 50th Anniversary Special at all. Yes, even though we've seen pictures of David Tennant and Hurt on the set. Let's take a look at one of those pictures.

See that alien ass in the upper right hand corner walking away? That's a Zygon, a monster from the Fourth Doctor's time that fans have long been calling for the return of. They'll be featured in the 50th Anniversary along with the Daleks and the Cybermen.

What everyone has apparently forgotten is that the Zygons are shape-shifters. It's their entire M.O. In their original appearance this required a captured body in order to reprocess the body-print technology they used to expand their natural abilities, but that's not to say that they haven't gotten better with it enough to know longer require it.

With the Zygons being so prominently featured in the upcoming specials, I don't think The Doctor and Clara will meet Ten or Rose or even the Hurt Doctor in real form at all. They'll just be Zygon copies, and that's not going to make very many people happy at all.