Beauty As A Weapon

by Khadija Nassif on January 1st, 2011

Since we’re all adults, we know that looks matter in all areas of life. A lot. In the real world, we are all judged by our appearance. Especially women. For women, beauty is a weapon. A weapon that disarms men of means, power and influence. A weapon that opens doors of opportunity that might otherwise be closed. A weapon that is either working for—or against—each individual woman.

Over the centuries, there’s been a curious reversal. Most marriages were solid structures and only love affairs were ephemeral. Men of influence chose and remained married to their wives for reasons that had very little to do with the woman’s individual attributes. Instead, powerful men chose their wives based on the political status and wealth of the woman’s family.

Generally, as long as her father and brothers maintained their wealth and influence, a wife was relatively secure in her marriage. The political and social price of divorcing or abandoning a wife was prohibitively expensive in earlier eras. Only royal mistresses and courtesans absolutely had to master the arts of capturing and holding powerful men’s interest and desire in order to live well.

There’s been a reversal over the centuries. In the modern West, marriage is fleeting and a woman’s ability to live well is determined by two (sometimes interlocking) skill sets: her ability to provide for herself, and her ability to attract and hold quality men’s interest and desire. A woman who has to do every, single, thing in her life without any man’s help is a burdened woman. Such a woman is operating under a disadvantage in any context, whether it’s at work or at home. Even when there’s no expectation or even serious desire for a liaison, men are more inclined to help a beautiful woman.

Since modern marriages are based on the ever-shifting sands of emotion (and nothing else), it behooves modern women to study the timeless strategies used by women from previous eras. Women whose livelihood depended on their ability to utterly captivate men of means who were surrounded by an endless array of other beautiful women. A woman who wants to:

marry,

stay married to, or

if necessary, quickly replace a husband with another quality husband

would be wise to study the ways of the courtesan.

In Europe, the courtesan’s arts were a matter of poverty, wealth, and government for several centuries.

In the sixteenth through the eighteenth centuries [in France], the position of royal mistress was almost as official as that of prime minister. The mistress was expected to perform certain duties—sexual and otherwise—in return for titles, pensions, honors, and an influential place at court. She encouraged the arts—theater, literature, music, architecture, and philosophy. She wielded her charm as a weapon against foreign ambassadors. She calmed the king when he was angry, buoyed him up when he was despondent, encouraged him to greatness when he was weak. She attended religious services daily, gave alms to the poor, and turned in her jewels to the treasury in times of war.

Sex With Kings: Five Hundred Years of Adultery, Power, Rivalry, and Revenge, pg.5

Let’s be clear. With this category of posts, I’m not talking about sex. Sex was one part of the courtesan’s repertoire, but it wasn’t the only part. Nor was it the most important one. By itself, sex has never been enough to bind a man to a woman. This is even more true in this modern era of mass promiscuity. Since nobody in the intended audience is playing dumb, then I won’t have to repeatedly emphasize that I’m not talking about (or advocating) prostitution. Or that the ongoing Beauty As A Weapon series of discussions are intended to assist Sojourners in securing and maintaining wholesome, stable marriages to quality men. Finally, I’ll note that I’m also not solely talking about external beauty, although that’s an important component of the courtesan’s arts.

With this ongoing series of posts, in addition to beauty tips, we’ll discuss the behavior skills that make a woman an enduring object of desire for quality men. In future posts, we’ll study the examples of some of history’s most famous courtesans. Before we get to that, let’s discuss the minimum requirements for cultivating one’s beauty as a weapon.

PURGE YOURSELF OF “VULGARIAN” TENDENCIES

In his book, The Art of Seduction, Robert Greene describes several basic anti-seductive qualities,

Seducers draw you in by the focused, individualized attention they pay to you. Anti-Seducers are the opposite: insecure, self-absorbed, and unable to grasp the psychology of another person, they literally repel. Anti-Seducers have no self-awareness, and never realize when they are pestering, imposing, talking too much. They lack the subtlety to create the promise of pleasure that seduction requires. Root out anti-seductive qualities in yourself, and recognize them in others—there is no pleasure or profit in dealing with the Anti-Seducer.

The Art of Seduction, pg. 131. He goes on to list a number of anti-seductive behaviors. I believe the primary anti-seductive trait among modern African-Americans is what he calls “The Vulgarian.” Among modern African-Americans, this trait plays out as the conscious, deliberate refusal to see oneself and one’s behavior as others see it. Mr. Green describes The Vulgarian as follows:

Vulgarians are inattentive to the details that are so important in seduction. You can see this in their personal appearance—their clothes are tasteless by any standard—and in their actions: they do not know that it is sometimes better to control oneself and refuse to give in to one’s impulses. Vulgarians will blab, saying anything in public. They have no sense of timing and are rarely in harmony with your tastes. Indiscretion is a sure sign of the Vulgarian (talking to others of your affair, for example); it may seem impulsive, but its real source is their radical selfishness, their inability to see themselves as others see them. More than just avoiding Vulgarians, you must make yourself their opposite—tact, style, and attention to detail are all basic requirements of a seducer.

Id. at pg. 136. We’ve previously discussed various manifestations of Vulgarian behavior: cursing in public, “keeping it real,” and so on. It’s best to drop Vulgarian habits as soon as possible.

RECALIBRATE YOUR BEHAVIOR AND CHOICES AS YOU INCREASE YOUR STATUS

When you cultivate and increase your external beauty, you simultaneously increase your status. There’s a need to recalibrate your behavior as you make your physical transformation and ascend the social “food chain.” Since nobody in the intended audience is playing dumb, then I won’t have to explain that there’s always a competitive social food chain in operation. Sometimes the jockeying for status is overt; and sometimes it’s subtle and muted. I also don’t have to explain that there’s no such thing as opting out of the competition. People who mistakenly believe they’re opting out are actually only succeeding in marginalizing themselves.

As the Adonis Index trainers point out to men here and here, behaviors and mannerisms that might have been endearing when a person is lower on the food chain can register quite differently (and negatively) as they ascend the food chain. This reality is contrary to the some of the (idiotic) cultural slogans that are popular among African-Americans, such as “Don’t ever change . . .”

In the real world, as you change (improve) your exterior circumstances, other people automatically start changing their perception of you. This causes a change in their reactions to you. Sometimes these changes are overt. Sometimes they’re subtle. But there are always changes of some sort. And so, some of your outer behavior and choices need to change as well.

This dynamic plays out in many different contexts. Let me give an example from the workplace. Several years ago, one of my colleagues was promoted into the management tier of my firm. Like many African-Americans, he mistakenly assumed that “staying the same” would ingratiate him with his former colleagues who are now his subordinates. So he continued sitting around with them during lunch in the same employee break room they had always used for lunch. For a long time, it didn’t occur to him that things were inevitably different because he’s now part of management—he’s now in the “boss” category.

It didn’t occur to him that his continued presence in the employee break room during lunch meant the subordinates who weren’t his personal friends could never relax during lunch. Until it was explained to him, he didn’t understand why everybody who wasn’t his friend stopped eating lunch in that break room. He mistakenly thought he was ingratiating himself with his former peers. Instead, he was imposing on them. He ultimately learned to invite his subordinate-friends into his office for lunch. And leave the employee break room for the “worker bees.”

TODAY’S QUOTE

Charm is a way of getting the answer ‘yes’ without having asked a clear question.

―Albert Camus

ADDENDUM

A reader named YMB made a comment to this post that more modern, Western women should consider. She said,

It’s definitely not a question of whether one’s physical beauty and comportment are weapons or not- it’s just a question of whose arsenal they end up in. If you’re not making them work for you, then they will work for other women who will use them to help them get what you want or what you have.

186 Responses to “Beauty As A Weapon”

Khadija, I am a new poster, but I have been reading your blog, along with other BWE blogs, about six months ago. When I found the blogs, I said, “These are the women I have been searching for!” Thank you for your time and service.

This topic is right on time because one of the things I said I wanted to do in 2011 was get back on top of my looks. I spent most of 2010 looking a hot mess. There’s no particular reason why; I just was stuck in a rut. I purchased some skincare products during the holidays so I can get back on top of my game.

I look forward to your posts. I’m excited about the new topics you will be covering.

I think a lot of ladies have covered much material. I’ve never had a problem with my weight, so I can’t relate much to that. One thing that I think a few have mentioned is that how you feel and treat your internal self radiates on the outside. It’s very difficult to radiate when you’re carrying loads of body weight and personal (emotional)weight.

As I get older (I’m still young) I’m more confident in my own skin. I feel sexier, and that shows in my appearance. Much of this confidence is due to getting rid of emotional baggage. Leaving the dead behind over the past few years has helped me to transform my external appearance. I’m sure as more Sojourner’s barry the dead, they will also notice this transformation.

One thing I would recommend for people who have the means, that are looking to lose weight is try cooking with natural ingredients. Explore eating new grains and proteins. I have been a big fan of Heidi Swanson’s blog 101 cookbooks http://www.101cookbooks.com/. By modifying my cooking habits I have noticed a huge difference in the appearance of my skin, hair growth, nail growth, and energy levels!

For those looking for a lean dancer body, I would recommend pilates with the reformer machine. The machine adds extra resistance and gives you that dancer body. I train with a few dancers at a yoga and pilates studio. I have also noticed that my posture has improved significantly, by sitting at my desk using a yoga ball amazon has a great one…http://www.amazon.com/Gaiam-Balance-Ball-Chair-Black/dp/B0007VB4NE.

“My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard.” My secret weapon aside from charm and the butterfly personality is crest white strips; make sure your smile is on point! If you can master the beauty smile with the coy/sexy eyes, your milk shake will bring a boy to the yard…now to keep him, I think Evia mentioned some great tips in a few posts ago.

Oh one last thing. I learned from an Egyptian girlfriend of mine how to do very sexy eye makeup to bring out my eye colour and make them intense. Men love intense eyes! It draws them in I don’t know what it is but it’s like the charming technique you read about in vampire books and see in vampire movies.

Hello Khadija!! HAPPY NEW YEAR
I’m on the edge of my seat reading every sentence of “Bauty As A Weapon” this new posting….I cannot wait until I see more of this brand new series there’s so much traffic in all these comments….I agree with all of you that vulgarity is not ladylike

I wouldn’t feel too bad if I was you. When it comes to online dating (OLD), I have some very strict rules. Many men have a meat market mindset when it comes to OLD so you have to have some strict boundaries in place.

(1) I’m not looking for a pen-pal or chat buddy, so if after 5-6 email exchanges and the guy hasn’t asked for at least my phone number or a date, then I stop responding.

If he decides to question why I just let him know nicely that I’m looking for an OLD chat buddy and wish him luck on his search. If he’s truly interested he’ll make an attempt to at least want to meet.

(2) I don’t answer very personal questions. If you want the privilege of knowing that much about me then you have to be my MAN (after of course much vetting over a period of time).

(3) I’m not into starting any kind of long-distance rlsp via online or telephone at all. If a guy is that persistent and really feels like he wants to get to know me, then the onus will be on him to make it work by being the one to initial most visits. Even with that I would advise most women not to put all their eggs in one basket and date other locals in their area.

(4) I won’t engage in any sex/intimate talk. If they persist I just let them know that I’m not comfortable with it and they should maybe find some other woman if that’s important to them

That’s some of it. It’s very easy to get catch up in what I call “Fantasy Relationships” when it comes to OLD. People can chat, text, email, IM, etc multiple at once nowadays. So, I don’t take it very seriously unless it moves into real life.

Step 1: Post your wish right in your profile
Don’t worry about scaring people off with your honesty. You can work the subject into your personal statement subtly so that you don’t sound like a bounty hunter. You might say, “When the time is right, and I meet the right person, I’m eager to get married and have a family.”

I would also add, never ever initiate contact with a man in OLD. I phrased it delicately, but I stated right in my profile that I did not contact men first. At first I was afraid that might scare men away but then I realized I was better off not wasting my time with men who were not interested enough to take the initiative of sending a message online.

I remember doing this and I got a few DBR types who thought they were God’s gift who contacted me and then would say in a mocking tone, “Well, you seem to be asking for a lot, but maybe we can still meet.” Or said that I was idealistic.

Uh, PASS!

It was a good way to weed out the Mr. Wrongs.

It’s crazy because all my life I was told not to scare men away by bringing up the big M word so quickly, but I found that it only scared away the wrong men. There were a number of men who really liked the fact that I was a woman interested in marriage and family, because they said they’d been dealing with a lot of jaded women who said they flat out didn’t like men/hated men/didn’t trust men. A woman who was positive about men and wanted to marry/have kids was very refreshing to them!

And like the tip says, do so in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re on a manhunt, but simply that you do see marriage and family as the end result of a dating relationship.

Excellent tips NijaG! I am an OLD veteran and these were exactly the rules that I followed while doing it.

OLD doesn’t have to be any more difficult than “real-life” dating, you just have to work differently. I remember in case No. 1, I cut off a guy who was writing me every day, but wouldn’t ask me out.

After a week, he contacted me and asked what happened. I used almost your exact same words (are you my twin or something? lol) and said, “I didn’t sign up for Match.com looking for a pen pal. I’m on here to date. Since you showed no interest in actually going out on a date, I decided to move on.”

He said he was just shy and was really close to asking me out (yeah right), but to his credit, he asked me out at that moment. He actually wasn’t a bad guy, just socially awkward. But still, if I hadn’t done something, we probably would have been e-mailing for three months!!!

Same thing happened with another guy who would IM me and then send me HIS number. I never called it and one day, I went out of town for a week and didn’t take my computer with me. When I returned, he found me immediately when I turned on my IM and said he was so worried that I had lost interest. I was just really chill and said, “Oh, I just went to Vegas for the week!”

He asked me out on a date by the end of the conversation.

So without even trying or suggesting a date, these men quickly snapped to attention once they realized that I was not game for endless chatter and expected more.

I also agree with meeting quickly. I can’t tell you how many times one friend of mine would say, “I think this could be something serious,” about a man she was talking to online. In every single case, he either never visited after promising that he would (he was long-distance), or they’d finally meet and he’d be awful in person in terms of behavior. But she got caught up in the idea of OLD romance.

As for No. 3 — the man I married was long-distance, but he did exactly what you said. He suggested visits, he made most of the visits and it was easy for me to trust in him. I still dated locally mostly until it became evident that he was very serious about a long-term relationship.

One more thing….. That guy was not a nice guy. Neither was he mature. What you fell for was his online persona. The truth came out with the way he treated and responded to you in the end.

With OLD you will have to be ruthless weeding out suspect/shady characters. Many men online have become spoiled and lazy due to sheer amount of desperate women who pursue them, sleep with them on the first few dates, and basically settle for sub-par treatment from these guys.

With all the gender role confusion the last past decades many men and women don’t really know how to act. This is especially true with the Gen X and Y group.

I am working on being comfortable with myself as a human being, as a woman and as a sensual, feminine woman who can use “honey” instead of vinegar to appeal to men and women alike to move through life more fluidly. I already have bee practicing and even though I’m not currently at my perfect flawless stage I can already see how adopting the mindset of a flawless woman will get me to where I deserve to be. 2011 is going to be an amazing year for this continued transformation.

At first, I was thinking that I paid enough attention to my looks (I always have something on my lips and my hair is on point, for example), so I didn’t really need the lessons being shared in this post.

Boy was I wrong. What made this clear to me was the fact that I’m moving, and have been going through my closet to pack up my clothes for the move. Nearly HALF of the clothing that I thought I wanted either looks old, outdated, teeny-bopper, too “urban” (more on that in a minute), and totally opposite of the image that I want to project.

While I am happy that as an early 30-something, I’m not far from the size I was in my early 20s, I was too eager to hold onto junior-sized and junior-cut clothing just because “it still fit.” I am trying to put a completely different image out there with my new job, new marriage, new neighborhood and new community, and dressing like an overgrown teenager isn’t going to cut it or have me taken seriously.

I can still be very stylish — perhaps even more stylish than I might think — and dress appropriately as a professional woman.

So, I’m dropping off bags of stuff at Goodwill and selling some of the newer — yet overly youthful — items at resale shops like Plato’s Closet. I will use the money I make to help buy a few nice, long-lasting pieces to make up the staples of my new wardrobe. I used to hate the idea of having to give up so many items of clothing, but it’s actually been a cathartic and transformative experience. Just as I feel that my life is making some positive transitions, so is my look.

Urban clothing — I believe that Halima mentioned this on a blog a while back, but I never really understood until very recently how much urban brands can shape a BW’s perception in the global village. It’s amazing to me to think back to how much money I spent on the popular urban brands of the 1990s (USED, Damaged, Cross Colors, Kani, FUBU) and how I realize now that the current version of said brands (Baby Phat, Apple Bottoms, etc.), give off the same effect.

I know that my mother, who meant well, bought me these brands to help me fit in at school. And yes, I got compliments on thee items in my all-black school. But she would be surprised when I’d go to a summer camp or enrichment program with mostly white kids and no one made one mention of what I had on. She thought she was dressing me well for these venues, but really, I was “othering” myself when I was dressing this way or being unwittingly othered by my family.

While this might not be a problem for a high school student, imagine that same young woman in college or just entering the workforce, spending her money on these overpriced (and often poorly fitting) brands that “brand” her as being property of the black community ONLY. If this is what a particular BW wants, that’s none of my business, but it’s often some of these women who will be the main ones to swear that they’re rarely/never approached by non-black men… whether it’s “right” or not, the urban look does not have universal appeal.

Sorry this is so long… I just had to laugh at myself when I looked at some of the shoes and clothing that I was discarding and realized that some of it was that urban attire that I thought made me SOOOO appealing… but in fact, it probably limited me more than I realized. Especially in college.
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[Khadija temporarily coming out of radio silence: Lisa99, I know the feeling. {chuckling}

Sometimes, pulling out and looking at the totality of our wardrobe can be quite . . . telling . . . and surprising. {chuckling} There’s often a big difference between the clothes we have in frequent rotation, and the rest of the (mostly unworn) clothes that are taking up space.

We tend to judge our wardrobe by the stuff that’s currently being worn in relatively frequent rotation—which tends to be the better stuff. Which makes the rest of the mess we own more or less invisible and forgotten when we assess our overall collection of clothes.

Doing one of these “pull ALL the clothes out and look at them in one sitting” experiments is part of what prompted the first “Flawless” post at the previous blog. (I was doing some cleaning, which is what prompted me to pull all that stuff out.) I realized that I had SOME clothes that looked good—but they looked good in isolation from each other, and didn’t establish any sort of unified look. Well, I also discovered that I had a lot of no-longer-worn garbage in my closet. {more chuckling} Going back into radio silence…]

Hello Khadija,
This is my first time posting and I just want to first say thank you to you and all the BWE Bloggers for the swift kick in the posterior. I also wanted all the readers to know that if they go to http://www.doctoroz.com/ they can register in his FREE 11 week Move It and Lose It program. This is a health focused program that has exercise and meal programs tailored to you and your goals(along with any health issues you may have). It also has support programs built in to it. I have already signed myself up and hope to build upon my 60lb. weight loss. I hope we can all become flawless together this year.

Happy New Year Khadija and all SP fam!
Praying that you all will be blessed and wishing you much progress this year!

I have been skimming over the topics and conversations but have been really busy.The holidays left me feeling too burned out to even formulate a thought to contribute to the discussions.

I thank you Khadija for all the priceless information that you have presented to us and for creating this space where we can strategize and plan for our futures.You are greatly appreciated for all you do to uplift AA and black women and girls.

I thank all the commenters for all the priceless information they have given as well.

I like that addendum you added. I think a perfect example of other women in the west practicing this and using their “exoticness” to work for them is Asian women. Meanwhile, BW are stomping their feet and getting all angry when we are admired for things that make us unique and exotic. Such backwards thinking, but then when you are indoctrinated by a community that doesn’t embrace its own unique beauty in the women, what else would you expect.

So, in moving forward, BW need to stop denouncing the things that make us unique and exotic and start using those things to our advantage. Asian women don’t hesitate to do that and its working for them two fold.

Exactly, Neecy. Exactly! So many bw have beautiful dark, polished, flawless skin. They should FLASH it! Find all kinds of ways to accentuate it to the max. No other women can get dark chocolate skin unless it’s produced in a laboratory.

So many bw have gorgeously shaped, unparalleled posteriors in the opinion of every man I’ve ever spoken with and I’ve talked to many men from a cross section of men. However, due to racio-sexual dynamics in the U.S., if some non-bm in America commented publicly about our curves, there would be a backlash from the bc who would accuse the nonbm of having a fetish or “jungle fever” or of objectifying bw and seeing bw as a piece of meat, connecting their appreciation of bw to the ole plantation. And the typical, AA woman would say NOTHING to support these nonbm, just like when the wm sportscaster publicly admired Venus Williams’ posterior and was reprimanded.

So many bw have awesome cheekbones, luminous, sloe-shaped eyes, voluptuous lips, non-angular noses, and other sexually stimulating features that are erotically tantalizing to some nonbm. For ex. my husband loves to look at my “mauve” lips. LOL! He doesn’t understand why I would want to wear lipstick when my natural lips are already mauvy pink.

AA women have simply not been admired nearly enough in their community and social circles or publicly to appreciate their natural beauty and allure. There’s a gag order on that for practically any nonbm. So bw’s beauty is a well-kept secret, especially to bw. But those of us who have mostly dated and married nonbm have gotten plenty of compliments from them. I consider myself an average looking bw but the African and white men I’ve spent most of my romantic time with have made me feel so beautiful.

Anyway, AA women need to be FLASHING their baubles tastefully at ONLY the men who appreciate them instead of trying to make men who don’t like them, like them. They need to totally forget about the men who don’t like them and don’t SHOW them they appreciate them. That does make sense, doesn’t it?

Also, I think many bw need to seriously work on their public behavior and totally tone down the volume of their voices in public, use grammatical English in public, and refine their behavior in other softening ways. They need to tamp down on their standoffish behavior when they’re around non-bm, read more, travel more, seek out more varied experiences, and become more capable of having a conversation about a wide variety of topics, broaden themselves, especially if they’re interested in dating or marrying higher-echelon nonbm. Many more intelligent, upper echelon nonbm adore interesting, adventurous women who can engage their minds. An average looking bw who presents herself well on the looks front, who can engage a man’s mind has GOT that man–hook, line, and sinker, in most cases.

Another thing is that some wm feel varying degrees of unease about whether they will mesh well enough with an AA woman’s family members, ESPECIALLY with the bm members of the family. This is particularly the case if these male family members are not mostly middle class in their values, behaviors and lifestyle. The only bm family members of mine that Darren associates with are my middle class bm family members because I have nothing to do with my DBRbm family members. I stopped associating with them long before I met Darren.

Lastly, SOME bw think that the typical nonbm is not interested in them, when he’s mostly thinking she wouldn’t be interested in him.

I’m glad that you expanded on Neecy’s comment.
The black women I know, get upset about WM complementing their skin or exotic features. Instead these acquaintances should be using that to their advantage.

One of them works in the financial district in the city I live in. She’s surrounded by many high quality white men. Many of these men want attractive women with values, culture, and education. She has all of these, but instead she’s worried about being seen as exotic, or what she considers “the new flavor of the year”.

It doesn’t make any sense to me. I think many black woman do not realize that with the changing times and a black women married to the President of the US, many progressive, cultured, non racist males, consider black woman as a trophy! I’m seeing this more and more with the WM I interact with, and run into at career and social networking events.

I think Donna Brazile, the Democratic strategist is a black woman who conducts herself in a very feminine, but smart way. She is always classy and soft-spoken, but she gets her point across in a lovely, almost flirtatious manner. I particularly enjoyed it when she told Anderson Cooper that he wasn’t her “boo.” I enjoy watching her tremendously.

Temporarily dipping back into the conversation to make this announcement:

Ladies,

I’m going to close the comments to this post later tonight.

Due to the interest you’ve shown in this topic, I’ve decided to do a weekly Friday Finishing School ongoing series of open-forum posts. The Friday Finishing School posts will be an additional regular place each Friday (in addition to the periodic Beauty As A Weapon posts) where readers can spend the entire conversation sharing beauty, fashion and etiquette tips.

Excellent tips NijaG! I am an OLD veteran and these were exactly the rules that I followed while doing it.

After a week, he contacted me and asked what happened. I used almost your exact same words (are you my twin or something? lol)
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@ Lisa99,

LOL!!!

I’m actually a very new newbie to the whole OLD dating. One month today since I signed up (although I’m canceling on that site and joining Match soon). Part of my advice is from how I conduct my real life dating. I’m also a member of an excellent women’s forum that was based on THE RULES. It has evolved since then to include other books and similar philosophies.

They have a very good OLD thread where women post their questions, experiences and results. That’s where I got some of those lines from.

My problem has been in trying to write a good profile that conveys who I am and what I’m looking for w/o being to long and wordy. I’m not the best at selling myself. Also, I’ve found that most men don’t really read your profile.

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If anyone wants the info you can email me at [Khadija speaking: I deleted the email address. I don’t want to be in ANY way involved in readers contacting each other. I don’t want to worry about the trolls/haters/nuts misusing this sort of information. And I don’t want to feel responsible for anything negative that might occur as a result of said contact information being disseminated. Please: Do that sort of exchange of contact information somewhere ELSE, and not here.]

It’s a public forum so if you post do be careful with your personal info (eg names, city/state, schools, etc). It’s a great forum and many of the women have been on there for years and some have formed RL frndships, so there is alot of collected wisdom on there. Of course as with RL there have been some personality clashes, but we generally get through it.

I got very good at writing profiles and met my fiance through OLD- using OKCupid which is free and a great service. The approach that worked best for me was to use the “X number of random things about me” profile. Think of cool, quirky, endearing, important things about yourself. If you have trouble thinking of it, ask friends what they’d say about you. Your interest in meeting a commitment-minded man rather than an “online chat buddy” could be one of those random tidbits of information.

Don’t be shy about stating what you want, but NEVER go negative. Profiles that rant about not wanting a player, deadbeat, and so forth are quite vulgarian a huge turn off. Focus on what you are looking for, not what you aren’t.

[…] As Beauty Does One definitive post touching on the social benefits for women looking your best is Beauty As A Weapon. I just re-read that post and my Femme Time Is Power and applaud my own personal transformation […]