I don’t love my husband! I am thinking of divorce

I'm a 28 year old woman. I'm married for 5 years now, without any kids.
My husband and I have problems with sexual intimacy since day one. In the beginning i was mentally blocked, which caused me not to feel anything physically. After 1.5 years lots of "practicing." I finally got rid of the mental blockage. So now you would think the problem is solved right?

NOT! Because after that, everytime my husband tries to get near me in a sexual way, I always push him back, because I get disgusted by it. Just a normal hug is ok, but right at the moment when he wants to touch me at a more sensitive part, I cover myself by putting my own hands on those parts so he can't touch it. This problem is never solved.

A few other facts are:
- I never told him "I love you" and really mean it. Actually, I never even told him I love you at all. Even when he asks me "Do you love me"? I can't say that I do. I do love him as a person, especially because of his beautiful personality; the reason I married him! He's also a very good looking man, but I just don't have the feelings that I should have for him as a spouse.
In the past years i asked him a few times wether he feels like I love him, and the answer has always been "no".

- I'm totally not sexually satisfied!! And I also don't feel sexually attracted to him. We do have "sex" but it's pretty frustrating when you can't say that you "make love" once in a while. I can remember about 2 or 3 times we "made love" and may be about 6 or 7 other times the "sex" was pretty ok, but the rest was horrible!!! In 5 years!!! Please tell me that this is NOT normal!!? Of course I understand that after a few years the lovemaking and/or sex becomes a bit less satisfying(?) because the couple isn't in love anymore like in the beginning. But in our marriage it's like this from the beginning!

- In all those years i have been thinking, and thinking over and over again!! Like: "I can feel there's something wrong, but I don't really know what it is".
-Further there's a whole story i can tell you about how we went through the 5 years (like financially and stuff) but i'm almost 100 percent sure that it's not the cause of me not loving him.

So since we don't have any kids (btw; we tried to get pregnant for almost a year) I'm thinking about getting divorced. I'm not happy like this, and he's also not happy. If I go on with this marriage may be I will be "thinking" my whole life.

I asked a few questions on another website; and they kept on saying it may be "black magic" and that i should think about healing with roqiya (healing with quranic recitation).

I prayed salaat Istikhara a few times, and it's like everything became more clear after I asked Allah several times for guidance.

Now my questions for you are:
-Don't you also feel that there must be something really wrong when having so less lovemaking in your marriage?
-The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?
-Is there anything you think i should consider before making a decision?
-What do you think I should do?

After reading your entire post, there was one part of it that confuses me- the part where you say that you do love your husband because of his personality and other factors, but for some reason this love that you do have for him is not "good enough" for you, and you believe you don't feel as you should for a spouse.

Sister, the conclusion I come to after reading your post is that you are too focused on feelings...dissecting whether you feel the "right" way about your husband or whether your feelings are "normal" or what they "should" be. Marriage is not about feelings. Sure, when a couple marries they often have feelings for each other that can be very intense. However, the intensity of feelings usually fades over time, and solid relationships are sustained by the level of comfort each has with the other spouse. If we put our focus or investment in feelings, then we are putting our trust and reliance on something that is transient and variable. Our trust should only be in the One Who never changes- Allah.

Speaking of that, the other issue I see here is that you don't feel that level of comfort with your spouse, as evidenced by what you are describing about your intimate lives and how you push him away when he approaches you in certain ways physically. Sister, THOSE feelings and experiences are not so much to do with him, but something unresolved within yourself. I would advise you to seek counseling to try to uncover what these issues might be, and see how they can be addressed in such a way that they will no longer be creating obstacles in your marriage.

Please know that whatever results from your efforts, the quality or quantity of sex doesnt' necessarily define the relationship. Sure, we all want satisfying sex lives, but if that's the only difficulty in your marriage I would work to change it with a therapist before throwing a whole marriage away. I suggest you expand your view and look at the relationship you have from angles other than your own subjective feelings about it. More often than not, when we allow ourselves to interpret things from our limited points of view, we fail to see the greater purposes and barakah that Allah has given for our lives and situations.

Don't be stupid. Your a married woman. Why do so many people think divorce is a solution??? stay with him and be with him. PERIOD!!!! Inshallah in time your love will grow. People have arranged marriages all the time and they have statistically been proven more successful than so called "love" marriages. Stay with him and don't do something your gonna regret later in life. Salam Alaikum

I never said it's an arranged marriage.
It was my own choice to spend my life with him because of his personality. The 'love' from my side has never really been there. After getting married i started to realise that i didnt have any feelings for him.

I never thought that divorce would be a solution, until about a year ago. So after 4 years!

I just wanted to ask did you get your divorce or not.. if i will you i won't, because women have a price tag that is their age, you will not understand this as of yet, but when you get divorced and receive really awkward rishtas then you will know, and suffer on your mistake. but ALLAH is wise and all knowing he will help you in any decision you make, please do istikhara my dear. your sister in islam anna.....

I personally do not think that divorce is a solution to your problems. You seem very confused at the moment. You need time to think about this. Speak to a counselor if possible. Don't make any irrational decisions.

Your first question:
1.Don't you also feel that there must be something really wrong when having so less lovemaking in your marriage?

Sister first you mentioned that when your husband comes to you- Your first reaction is to push him away. This could be the cause for less lovemaking. Obviously if any partner is being ignored sexually, they would lose interest. This is what's probably happening in your marriage. Ask yourself why do you do this? Is this only because you feel you do not love him? Are you still feeling shy and uneasy around him. But why sister? Five years is long enough to be comfortable with your spouse. Is there anything which you are holding back from the past- any past experiences which you need to let go off?

The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?

Treasure all that you have now. You have a good husband- any man would have been frustrated by now if they felt they were not loved by their wives and they were not satisfied sexually. You love your husbands personality, you love his looks, then tell him this before it's too late before he starts looking for love somewhere else.

Question
2.The fact that I always ask myself whether I love him or not actually means that i don't love him right? Cause if I did I wouldn't ponder so much, do you agree?

We all ponder at the meaning of the word love. Some of us use this word when we don't mean it and some of us mean it but we don't say it because we have our own way of showing it. Sister do you care about your husband? Can you picture your life without him. When you away from him, do you miss being with him? Take time to think about these questions and surely you would realize if you love your husband.

Question
3. Is there anything you think i should consider before making a decision?
The first thing you need is a clear mind and consious before making a decision. You should also speak to a counsellor for further advice. Think about your husband and how patient he has been with you during this time. Think about ways of making your sexual life more pleasant. Don;t think that I don't love him and that's it. Think of a way of fixing this. Take more time out to discover your husband. Engage in more romantic activities before being sexual eg. long walks, candle lit dinners, buble baths etc.

What do you think I should do?
Sister i would strongly suggest you try to work at your marriage.

Marriage whether love or arranged should be based on compatibility- mental, emotional,and physical.
The statement on arranged marriages working better than love marriages is short-sighted as in most cultures where arranged marriages occur- "tolerance" is mistaken for love and a successful marriage. Often people stay in difficult marriages because of the stigma and societal pressure around divorce

Yes there are couples in arranged marriages who are fortunate to meet the right person and it works out, but this is no different from love marriages where in some cases people are truly happy and others where they are not. It all boils down to the fact that the two people involved need to assess and decide whether their personalities, core values and way of life will mesh well or not. People assess all the superficial criteria and not the important ones and this is what causes marriages to flounder.

At the end, you live once so make educated choices and also hopefully marry and feel fulfilled in that committment. Personal relationships have the most significant impact on our lives and everything else can be adjusted around this - so focus on this and make it right.

Salaam alaykom sister i have esactly the same problem as you but worse.. i feel depresed i just want to be alone and curl in a ball and cry.. i really dont know whats wrong and am asking all the same questions as you, we have only been married a month, it was arranged we had two meetings what attracted me most is hes strong in deen but now im starting to think i dont love him and am not attracted to him i am not affectionate person n it affects me alot and him we argue and dont talk for like 2days max..i dont know what to do. i dont want to divorce cos it seems so soon n sad n hel b so upset but i feel i just want to be alone

i sincerely ask Allaah to make your affair easy.
and to put confort between you& your husband.
please stay with him because you will only succeed with a faithfull man.

asmaa the daughter of abuu bakr siqqiiq was married to Az-Zubayr ibnAl 'awaam [may Allaah be pleased with them], and asmaa talks about how she lived a very very harsh&hard life under Az-Zubayr who was extremely tough by his nature, and she indured more pain than anything we can imagine as his wife.but she was patient and stayed with him because she knew he would have a magnificent status in jannah as he was one of the 10 men guaranteed jannah whilst alive ['ashara al mubashireena bil jannah]

sister, buy a book called hisnul muslim, fortress of the muslim, therein you shall find many supplications which are recited in times of deppression&loneliness.

First i need to say that i really feel sorry for you being in the same kind of situation. May Allah help you thrue it, incha Allah.

You have been married for only a month of time, so may be you should take time to fihure this out. May be you need to try to analyse the situation a little bit before making any big decision. You need to find answers on those questions.

I want to ask you if you had the same kind of feelings of depression before you got married?

Try to seek for counseling to not feel depressed anymore, because if you don't the situation will only become worse.

Further i really need to say that you need to trust on Allah, but don't deny your own emotions. Even if it is very important to mary a faithfull guy; in Islam you have the right to be attracted to that person!! A marriage is also meant for those things that people call "superficial" while they are not superficial at all. Sexual intercourse in a Halal marriage is so important! It keeps you away from zinaa.
So don't forget that what Islam preaches can be totally different than what culture preaches.

In culture people say: You need to be happy and stay married no matter what.
But Islam is not like that.

If you really dont feel attracted to this guy... and after trying lots of things to fix it... if you still don't feel attracted you have the right to get divorced. But remember: after trying everything!!! to fix it.

So dont let people make you believe that there are no other options, just because he is faithfull.

wallaahi, you are soooooooooo fortunate to have ahusband who is patient over your fears when he approaches you.
he has been patient over your fears of intercourse FOR FIVE YEARS.wow.
and he is there for you still?

wallaahi, let alone five years, MOST men would not accept their wives not wanting to go to bed on the first night.
they would either tell her to go back to her family if she did not sleep with him, or they would remarry.

because the most major reason why people get married is to fullfill their desire.well males do anyway.
so if someone is refusing, or lacking back, then i can imagine it would be very frustrating.

so thank Allaah that you have a very patienbt husband, who has good charecter like you said and does not force himself upon you.

sister, with all honesty, you are the one needs help in this marraige.
your husband is fine&functional.

I am christian but I was just looking around and searching about this topic and I found yours.. I feel the same way about my husband we never loved each other from day one his parents picked me to marry me and asked my parents and both parents were ok with it without asking me or him! you know probably what I`m talking about.. and in my religion and culture we can`t get divorce.. I try to love him but it is so difficult when there is no feelings we have kids together, I feel guilty and feel God is not satisfied with the way I`m living my life... The only advice I will give you and I am going to do the same is to try to love them divorce is not a good option..

Assalamu alaikom,
sister, I am in the exact situation you are in. I have no feelings for my husband of 3 years (but we've been together for 6 years). I have a 2 year old son with him and I thought that it would bring us closer together, but it only made me hate him more because I wasn't really ready to have a child in my first year of marriage plus school.
Do what you think is necessary for you. I listened to everyone but myself and under so much depression and utter stupidity, I cheated on my husband with a man closer to my age (but with no intercourse)...I'm not saying that my situation was an excuse, of course not, it's my fault and I am repenting for it deeply, especially in ramadan...but take action...don't let yourself get into haram just to please everyone else. I don't know your situation but I am going to school to become financially dependent and be able to provide for myself. my husband wants to work things out still after he found out what I did...but I still don't want him. I have no feelings for him and i feel horrible because he loves me so much...he's trying to change for me and I notice that and im trying to love him but i can't. I am not sexually or emotionally attracted to him, or to his personality. we are currently in couples therapy...try that...it will help you see if you can or cannot continue together.
sister, evaluate all your options. divorce is one, but let it be the last one. pray istikhara and allah will never steer you wrong...believe that.

." In the beginning i was mentally blocked, which caused me not to feel anything physically. After 1.5 years lots of "practicing." I finally got rid of the mental blockage"

When i read this i was so shocked this is exactly what i feel like can u plz explain wat you mean by mentally blocked? cause this is exactly how i feel about my new husband i feel numb as though nothings happeing. does this ever go away>i am sorry for asking a question and not being able to answer yours but its amazing that someone has this feeling, when i got married i thouhgt yes god is gonna give us that git but so far i feel nothing when he touches me although i love him.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I think my one of colleagues or one our regular writers may be able to offer you some good advice and comforting words. But you will need to log in and submit your question as a separate post. Insha'Allah you will receive a reply soon as we have for the first time in a long time a waiting time of only about 2 weeks maasha'Allah.

So many sisters here unhappily married. Yet very few complaining about how bad their husbands are, just an inability to love their husbands who by in large love them. Well do yourselves and the rest of us a favour if you're going to continue to be ungrateful to Allah SWT in this way, divorce these husbands let them marry someone who will love them and then go pursue your rubbish fairytale dreams of finding a prince of your own to love.

As sisterZ said, the turn around time is about 2 weeks currently. If you only submitted your post in the last day or two, it's likely there are still several ahead of it. Please try to be patient, as it's not fair to the others who are also awaiting answers to their important problems to put you ahead of them. In the mean time, I am sure many of the posts we have already published that are similiar to your situation may hold some guidance for you as well.

there is a hadith i remember, but don't remember the refrences, where a women goes to the holy prophet (PBUH) and say i love my husband he gives me everything, and keeps me happy alot, but there is one thing i hate of his and he annoys me, when he eats he makes loud noises and it it irritates me, otherwise he is fine. the prophet said (PBUH) said if this is the reason and he irritates you a lot you can get a divorce.

If you can't provide the reference then please do not post hadith until you find the reference with its validity. Dear editors, this is the first time i'm reading such shocking hadith as it is well known in Islam that divorce is highly detestable, and so if you guys can find its reference, share it, until then its best to remove the comment Insha'Allah.

Sorry for providing the wrong words, but still there was a hadith like so. well i have found it. and when i read it was different, so please ALLAH forgive me. God forbid but i said what i heard from people, not what i read, myself. so here is what i have found. and it is the same ahadith but just didn't know the right words so sorry.

a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]

a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]

This hadith you're referring to right -

Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The wife of Thabit bin Qais (Habibah), came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Apostle said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once." (Bukhari)

But this is not the whole story. The story is,

Narrated Aisha: Habibah, the wife of Thabit ibn Qays, was beaten by her husband and he broke some of her part. So she came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) after morning, and complained to him against her husband. The Prophet (peace be upon him) called on Thabit ibn Qays and said (to him): Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her. He asked: Is that right, Apostle of Allah? He said: Yes. He said: I have given her two gardens of mine as a dower, and they are already in her possession. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Take them and separate yourself from her. (Abu Dawood)

similarly, it is mentioned that the wife of Thabit Ibn Qays said " ..I cannot endure to live with him anymore... " (Malik Muwatta)

so sorry for my comment last but due to what i heard i told you about that certain hadith. Please ALLAH forgive, since people make mistake....any ways i have found the hadith, sorry for me to use different words.

here is the hadith..
a woman came to prophet muhammad (saws) to ask for a divorce from her husband. she told him that she did not complain about any of his morals or qualities but the only problem was that she did not genuinely like him to the extent it was impossible to continue living with him. the prophet (saws) asked her: "do you return his garden (a gift marriage he offered to her)?" she said: "yes." the prophet asked him to take his garden and divorce her. [75]

I
Think you should be thankful your husband is a sweetheart. Must women would die to have a sweet husband like that . I think you think to much about leaving him then trying to work things out. You think a other men will treat you like a princess no honey don't think like that you don't wanna regret anything, and I'm married for 5 years alhamdullah I love my husband very much we married each other out of love but were not perfect we always have up and downs but we work it out for the sake of Allah and our families. And soo superise he is still with you when you don't make love to him that is the biggest sim ever and you should be lucky he is with you till now because men's are men's they need to get it almost everyday so think about this
Before you leave your husband.

While reading your post, I felt that you are confused about your relationship with your hubby .The qualities you stated about your hubby were not grounds for divorce. Actually you seem immature to me. You all can work on your problems together so a peaceful home can be established.

You are thinking way too much about your intimate lives together and wether or not you are truly in " love" or not. I don't sense any signs of abuse or neglect on his part. Instead of giving in to the whispers of shaytan, why don't you talk to your husband about your feelings in a gentle, sensible manner. Set time aside for y'all to have an honest heart felt discussion so things can be worked out. Divorce isn't necessary here.

In regards to you mentioning financial problems y'all had in the past, well, who doesn't have them? You can't say because of tough financial situations that your marriage is tough. We are all going to be tested with our wealth, health, and marriages. This is life.

I'm worried that you are not being just to your husband. Are you really fair to/ with him? You need to be mindful of his rights as your husband and your rights as his wife. It seems to me you are pushing him away from you and that's not right. It's wrong! Allah old us in the Quran that there is something good you need to look for in your spouse and you haven't mentioned anything bad, wrong, about him. Divorce is detestable, but permissible in the sight of Allah. Divorce is congratulated by Shaytan, may Allahs curse be upon shaytan.

Don't deny your husband his rights. He is your path to jannah too. Remember the Hadith which stated (roughly) that Allah would've made wives bow down to their husbands, but of course we only make sajda to Allah.

Think of the other women who are being abused by their husbands. So many are going through difficulties we can't even imagine. Alhmdulillah you are not in that position. So, go back to your husband with open arms and an open heart. After all, He is your other half.

I am also in a similar situation to yours in the sense that I care for my husband and that I don't want anything bad to happen to him, but I do not love him.

I had an arranged marriage to my first cousin and it has been four years since we have been married. We do not have any children.

I have caught him numerous times since the start of our relationship, cheating on me with other girls via the internet (online sex). Via Skype and email. Whenever I used to confront him about this he always either used to deny it or said 'sorry' he will not do it again. Because of this, I do not feel attracted to him anymore. He spends every minute, when he is not at work, on the computer or his phone. He does not talk to me or converse with me. But instead when I try to talk to him, he tells me to go away and leave him alone.

He does not care for me or look after me. I do not ask him for anything in terms of money, clothes etc as I provide for myself. He says he does not want children with me and has hit me on many occasions too.

I feel very depressed and sad because although I understand marriages are not perfect, I definitely know they are not meant to be like this.

I am with him only because my parents and my mother in law do not want us to separate, even though they know all the problems we have.

He does not pray or anything, and does not bring out the best in me.

Could this be valid enough to ask for divorce, or should I continue to be patient and hope he will change.

Salaam Ayesha
I'm so sorry about what your going through as I know how this feels because I'm in the same situation I want to get a divorce but like you said because of your parents same thing here I can't get a divorce because of my parents and because I know they will make my life hell and I'm very scared but if you think you can live without h then you should get divorce and inshallah find your happiness I know I'm saying this and I'm the one who is having the same problem my problem is that I don't have a divorce option I gotta stay In this relstionship if only Allah guides me and help me ill get better inshallah well Ayesha good luck pray ask ALLAH for help before you think of a divorce do salatul istikhara ask ALLAH to guide you pray salatul hajat ask for forgiveness inshallah things will get better if not at least you know you prayed and you tried
TAKE CARE ILL PRAY FOR YOU ALLAH HAFIZ

It is difficult for my parents to accept my marriage problems as my two older sisters have also been divorced, one of which is now remarried with children. They think the society will point fingers at them saying that they're children are bad.

I completely understand it from my parents point of view, but then I think of it in the long run that if I am not happy now without children and he does not take responsibility in looking after me, what hope is there that he will provide for my children and care for them.

I do not have any feelings for him and I don't think I ever will because he has hurt me too much both emotionally and physically. But my family are always trying to tell me to work it out. They don't fully understand what I am going through.

Hey. Ok first of all. Divorce in mentioned in the Holy Quran. If Allah didn't know there would be change of feelings or etc, he would not have mentioned it. So open your eyes people.

There is nothing to be fixed, because there was nothing from the first place. I would recommend you reading sourat al nisa'. You will know exactly what to do. Allah says, the choice is yours. If you decide to separate, he will accord to each of you another destiny. Feelings ARE important and in everything. We are made of feelings, as we feel for Allah and he feels for us, we should feel for everything we do and everyone we have in our lives to do great things. There is no other way. I agree some problems can be solved in marriages, problems that affect both your feelings. You can't fix feelings nor expect to have feelings later. Divorce, and change your lives. You both deserve better. Don't think about you but also think about him, don't you think he deserves love too?

And by the way, the way you talk like she will never meet another more suitable guy than her husband just shows how much you believe in Allah. Allah can do anything and is the most powerful and most rich. She just has to make a decision and divorce is not a sin. He left the freedom of decision to you sweety. Islam isn't about burrying yourself for someone else. It's about believing in Allah and not hurting anyone. The more you stay in this, the more u hurt urself and him. Think. Have the courage to decide and Allah will stand by your side. The world is huge and so are Allah's wisdom and generosity