Birmingham City Councilwoman Lashunda Scales pleaded guilty to misdemeanor abuses of power. And she's not the worst offender in her district. (Photo from Jefferson County Jail)

This isn't a stinkin' election. It's
the Keystone Cops.

Voters in Birmingham's City Council District
1 have a choice between a former legislator who pleaded guilty to extortion, an
incumbent who plea-bargained down to a couple of minor power-tripping charges,
and a guy who was acquitted on charges of possessing a forged $400 check with
intend to defraud.

And Antwon Womack is back. You
remember him? He ran for school board under the name "Dr. Bishop Antwon Womack."
He later withdrew, after it was revealed that he dropped out of school in the
ninth grade. He said, while bowing out, that he had been "strutinated enough." Now
he again wants to run the schools.

And Willis "Buddy" Hendrix is on the
ballot again, too. His claim to fame is that he used to play Mickey Mouse at the Alabama Theater. When
he ran for mayor in 2009 he promised he would "help the people of Birmingham if
you elect me governor."

It's like the candidates themselves
are begging Birmingham to just stay home and do something more civically significant.
Like watching the People's Court.

But the real problem isn't the
people on our ballot. It's not. People make mistakes and – sometimes – get their
act together. The problem is that few of these people – and none in the mayor's
race – are saying anything that matters. It's all trite phrases and boasts,
vague and vacuous promises.

Where are the issues? Where is the
work? Where is the passion? Where is the truth?

Of course Mayor William Bell faces
no real threat, and thus can continue to run simply on the qualification of not being previous mayors Larry Langford
or Bernard Kincaid. Which is both brilliant and ironic, because his greatest
accomplishments have come from cutting ribbons on projects Langford hatched.

It's not that people love Bell. The
more he whines about the City Council's inability to get on board with him, the
more they wonder why he makes no effort to get along with the council. It's
not that he is unbeatable. It is that no one has made a case for beating him.

Just once, I'd like to see a mayoral
candidate be honest about the problems facing Birmingham, to propose real
actions. How do we make Birmingham a better, more equitable and more thriving
place? You won't hear it from a candidate, but here goes:

Birmingham
must reduce the cost of doing business by lowering some taxes and fees.
Short-term pain equals long-term gain.

The
city's hands-off approach to schools is killing Birmingham. No threat to
the city is more real than the schools. The mayor must use all his power,
his bully pulpit and his legislative reach to change the system. If
Birmingham can't provide a proper education for its children, the city,
with the leadership of the mayor, should push to abolish the system. Crazy? Yeah. Extreme? Probably. Necessary? You bet. If Birmingham can't do it, maybe Jefferson County can.

Birmingham
boards and agencies have become an expensive joke. Lavish trips, wasteful
spending and social climbing have sickened everything from the Airport
Authority to the library board, and turned those interested in leading
into cynics. The mayor should fire every leader of every board in this
town to send a message. If he doesn't have the power to do that, he should seek legislation
to make it so.

The
mayor should cut half of the 92 people employed by the mayor's office, and
spend that $3.5 million on mass transit, so people without transportation in
Birmingham at least have the ability to find and keep a job.

It is a start. It must continue to
invest in fighting crime, and promoting quality of life issues for all. But the
future of Birmingham is not a laughing matter. It won't be solved by joke
candidates, retreads of failures and business as usual.

This city needs big
ideas and big people to push them forward. It needs them now.

John Archibald's column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and
Fridays in the Birmingham News, and on AL.com. Email him at jarchibald@al.com

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