John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Death of a long-term spouse can feel like losing a piece of your body. (Published 09/23/2014)

Q:

My parents were involved in a serious head on collision six years ago. My mother died after 7 months in the hospital, without ever coming home. My father can't even think about her, or speak about her without tearing up and becoming depressed. They had just celebrated their 50th anniversary the month before the accident and dad had been taking care of mom as she was in bad health. He is also a veteran suffering from PTSD and other health issues. Is this normal for couples being together for so long and one being a care giver? Do they miss their mate more than normal? I miss mom too, but I have gone on with my life and don't always cry when I reminisce about her.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Kathy,

Excellent question even though a painful one.

It’s impossible to make definitive statements about grief and grievers, as people are so individual. And, we always avoid making comparisons between groups of grievers by any categories.

But, if we were going to make any statements and indulge in a little bit of comparison, we would say that the impact of the death of a long-term spouse is the single event that is most liable to affect the health and well-being of the survivor.

From our awareness, you don’t even need to add in that one of them was the care giver for the other. For the vast majority of grieving widows and widowers [of long-term marriages] we’ve ever talked to, the sense of the death of their mate is “like losing a piece of their body.”

So sadly, we think your father is within the range of what is typical, given the situation. We might guess that by his age and other factors, he may not have the willingness to seek out solutions or help for his grief. But if he does, go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Before you give it to him, read the first 58 pages [Part One] yourself. Then you can give it to him and say, “Dad, here’s a book that I found helpful for me. I thought you might get something of value from it for you.”