Would it be selfish to ask my non-biological father how it effected him? And if it was the reason he stopped seeing me?

When I was a young child, I had my mothers side of the family and I also had my fathers - typical ordinary family. I had 2 brothers on my mums side and a sister on my dads, both sides had aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents - I had two amazing halves of a whole family and it made my whole family. I had an amazing father who cared for me and my sister and I had an amazing mum who cared for me and my brothers - how lucky?

Until I turned 11.

When I was 11 I had a DNA test to figure out who my biological father was - it wasn’t the amazing man who brought me up. My mum was too young and he was quite too, they were both unfaithful and both are equally to blame for the pain I suffered when the results came back to announce that someone else was my biological father.

I’m now 19, I’ve tried speaking to the man who’s not my real dad but he always seems so vague - he’s polite enough to respond for a while but he eventually stops after a few texts and he stopped picking me up when I was young.

I’ve never spoken to him or my sister about the results or leading up to, or after, and part of me feels the need to because I haven’t healed but would it be selfish to ask him my aching questions knowing he is in pain to?

I feel I deserve answers but I feel like he would have spoken about it already if he wanted to - I’m going to see my sister soon and I don’t know what she’s knows because I haven’t seen her in years but I don’t but know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Have any of you gone through something’s similar? Should I speak to him about all this?

If I'm reading this right, the Dad who raised you found out the truth at the same time you did, when you were 11?

Seems his marriage to your Mom is no more. Did it blow up following the DNA revelation years ago?

If so, then why do you think he has answers since he was just as in the dark as you for 11 years? Should you be approaching your Mom for answers?

Doesn't seem he owes you any answers. But you owe him many thanks for raising you. Again, he owes you nothing. You owe him. If you're trying to re-start contact to dump on him (even just with questions), then it's best you stay out of his life.

@Flumoxed:
You read correct, I had a dna test with him and I had one with my mum and bio dad - thank you for reading because it’s a really touchy topic and now I have misinformed people being cunts. Him and my mum were never married, he cheated on her and she cheated on him times before I was born and then when I was they cheated on each other again and split.

My questions are about why he stopped seeing me considering he said he wouldn’t and he did - and I looked at him like a dad and still do and obviously I miss him and want to further our relationship but I don’t not know how.

@Flumoxed:
I owe him thanks for raising me until 11 and telling me “I’ll always be your dad” and then walking out at next point with no explanation? I think I’m owed answers - I deserve to know why in some sense. I didn’t ask to be raised by him. I didn’t ask to be left. I didn’t ask to not be his daughter. I didn’t ask to lose my sister. I didn’t ask for any of this - I didn’t ask to Ben lied to - he shouldn’t have told me he’d stick around if his idea was to leave.

@Anonymous:
You KNOW why he stopped seeing you. Obviously, over time he was too wrecked by realizing you are the product of some other man. He's not trying to punish you, just take care of his own emotions.

At some point, you have to stop blaming your misery on others and decide to be a fulfilled person in your own right. Thank him for the time he was there and build on that positivity and move on. Good luck. He still owes you nothing.

It involves me considering the man who raised me told him he’d stay in contact after the results and then suddenly stopped seeing me. Because she doesn’t know why he just stopped. I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t but pick my dad because I would obviously pick the man I still fucking cry over!!!!

@HikerVeg:
It’s not a story that I’m writing for entertainment - it’s my fucking life. I’m not needing to include everything. I didn’t think where the DNA test came from was that important but it seems a lot of you have such little brain capacity that you couldn’t wiggle past the small amount of missing information. I’m sorry for your misfortune. Mental misfortune.

@HikerVeg:
How am I two-faced for rewriting it to get answers of different people? I’m well aware you can’t read my mind but I wasn’t aware that this wouldn’t be clear enough. I didn’t think the information missed was crucial considering I’m only asking for the best way to approach him and a nasty person would have already - not considering him but I am considering him that’s why I’m here.

I was just misunderstood - and by a lot of obnoxious people. If you don’t understand, don’t comment. Clearly it’s a shitty situation that you’ve never been put in so you can’t relate so you didn’t need to comment.

If I read the situation correctly then the DNA test was what caused the change in your relationship with this only dad you know, who up until that point was very much a caring dad. You both haven’t spoken to each other about it and thus it is eating at you. I can see that you don’t want to hurt him by bringing it up but you want closure, to understand how the revelation had impacted him and how he feels towards you. I think you should start by thinking about how you would likely respond with certain responses from him (if you actually talk to him about it), will it hurt you or him more with certain truth. If you are ok with the worse of possible responses (eg actually he found the sight of you distasteful because it reminds him of your mother’s xxxx then will you be able to handle that?) If when you feel you can handle such responses (it might be that) then I would advise you tell him that you would like to know how he felt towards you first and if he is open to talk you ask to see him. You do this through s text message as it’s not confrontational and he could choose not to see you face to face to talk about it. As a side comment, I’m sorry that in the midst of all this you have lost the one dad you had but how he is towards you might not always be about you not being his biological daughter. Further sometimes it’s about what you build now so you can certainly show him how much he means to you, how you appreciate him being your dad even though he is not your biological dad. You might find in doing this you might build a better relationship with him now and it doesn’t matter about the past.

@HoneyBear:
Thank you so much for this response. This is honestly the hardest thing for me to talk about and that why I’ve done it anon and on here - and it’s so shitty having people put me down for it considering I didn’t have any choice in this situation. I was having a Long cotton bud placed in my mouth to check for mouth sours by my dad one day and week later a man I didn’t know and my mum were doing the same thing but informing me of the real reasons why. It was a shit and hard time and it’s only gotten harder and I want to consider him mainly when I make this approach that why I’m on askmen. Thank you for this advise and I’m going to think about it.

It really was not you, it was the situation. You were just an innocent little kid.

I strongly suggest working with a therapist. This whole thing is most likely impacting you in ways you are not even recognizing...abandonment issues, trust issues, suppressed anger at your mother... When your thought patterns are established from something like this, you don't even realize how they are impacting you view of things and relationships. A good therapist can help you sort all that out... And I would do that before looking to meet him. I do not think reaching out to him would be selfish at all--but you may not get out of it what you want or need.

@ThisGal:
I didn’t have a stable dad for 19 years, I would have fucking loved that! For the last 8 years I’ve been asking myself if it was me - was I a bad daughter so that was his opportunity? That if the rest of my family found out I wasn’t blood related would they be happy to throw me to the curb to? Because he raised me for 11 years and I love him and the entirety of my family like they are blood - still to this day. Can you imagine going through that at 11? You’re entire one half of your family stop talking to you? It fucking hurts. All I want is to know them because I still remember all the memories - he was part of the first memories I ever had - how can I let that go easily?

You know, instead of getting upset at people for "misunderstanding" your very poorly written and misleading post, why don't you try rewriting it?

For example this is confusing - "I had my mothers side of the family and I also had my fathers - typical ordinary family. I had 2 brothers on my mums side and a sister on my dads, both sides had aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents - I had two amazing halves of a whole family and it made my whole family."

Just what does that mean? Were your mother and putative father married previously and made a blended family and you were the only child they had together?

The same thing with the DNA test. Why couldn't you have just said that your mother wanted the test (for whatever reason) to determine your paternity and the results came back that the guy you called Dad was actually not biologically related to you?

And how exactly would it be the guy's fault for your mother not telling the truth that because she had sex with two (or more) men in the same timeframe of conception she couldn't be sure who was the actual father. Would have saved everybody a lot of heartache if your mother did the right thing.

You also don't say if a court ordered test was performed with a valid chain of custody and an approved forensics lab. Just as you do not mention, or perhaps you don't know, if he stopped seeing you voluntarily or did he lose his parental rights based on the results of the paternity test.

Stories like yours are why it should be a criminal offense for women withhold information that they had sex with more than one man in the period around the time of conception. Your mother screwed over two men, deceiving the one you thought was your father and keeping your biological father away from his child. You should google paternity fraud and see just how men get screwed over with the laws the way they are now and how vigorously organizations like N.O.W. fight changing anything that would hold women responsible for their actions or making family court more equitable for men.

BTW, you owe HikerVeg an apology. Like me, there were others reading your post who thought you were just another troll, as we get quite a few here. She took the time to ask questions.

@tomodachi58:
You don’t just assume someone’s trolling because you don’t understand - this is a touchy subject people could be a bit nicer - I’m not apologising for shit. People could have asked questions in a much nicer way.

@tomodachi58:
My father cheated on my mother and then my mother cheated on him, they broke up and we’re with the other people involved and ended up back with each other and in which time my mother fell pregnant. He knew that there was another man but they both thought I was his because they worked out the dates. So before you go slagging off my mother and other women in similar situations - maybe you should realise that the pages aren’t always black and white. Now, I didn’t involve all this in this thread because it’s not necessarily important - I told you what you needed to know in order to get the advice I needed, I got that advice from this thread alone. Because even though they may not have had all the information but they cared to be respectful and work with what they had - instead of being inconsiderate - like you.

@billybill:
No, that’s a conclusion you’ve jumped to. I said I had a dna test and left out who wasn’t involved in that because it was pretty obvious. My mother and 2 fathers - I have the same colour eyes as the man I thought was my dad so never had any impression that he wasn’t really my dad until it happened.

AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission.