A round of reconcilation: Pastor, therapists lead and teach compassionate confrontation method

Thursday

Jan 30, 2014 at 9:30 AM

By Peg.McNichol@hollandsentinel.com(616) 546-4269

Sometimes the hardest task is asking a neutral question or simply staying silent during a conflict. Those two skills are crucial for people who want to learn the art of reconciliation, according to three Holland-area women.Two of the women, Ann McKnight and Lynn Stubbs, are therapists; the third is the Rev. Jill Russell, co-pastor at Hope Church. Each has been trained in a unique method of conflict resolution called restorative circles.Dominic Barter created the process more than 20 years ago in Brazil, where all parties to a conflict agree to gather in one place and answer a series of questions aimed at understanding, followed by reconciliation, if possible, though at times a restorative circle helps people peacefully end relationships.Once trained, Russell, McKnight, Stubbs and others created a Holland practice group, because "we are so familiar with how devastating conflict is," said Russell, a pastor for 18 years for various churches. "Unresolved conflict has a long life."Part of Russell's pastoral job is simply listening. As an interim pastor at other churches, she heard tales of unresolved feelings dating back 10 or 20 years, affecting present-day circumstances, she said, which is partly why "I have a deep longing for us to find a better way to resolve conflicts."Here's how it works: Each circle consists of a minimum of three rounds of questions, starting with "What is it you want known and by whom?" Others are asked to repeat what they understand about the answer, then the first person is given time to clarify the message. Each person in the circle gets to answer the first question. The group then goes on to identify next steps and evaluate the results of the agreement. The moderator makes sure each person's words are understood before moving on.Since 2009, 150 Holland-area people have taken the training, including four Holland Department of Public Safety officers. McKnight has trained at least 150 more outside of West Michigan. She's trained people at Grand Haven and Spring Lake and other public schools, Hope College, Western Seminary, health care organizations, churches and with families, couples and individuals. She also did a Holland TEDx talk on restorative circles."It is a great mediation tool," Capt. Jack Dykstra wrote in an email to The Sentinel. "I think it is best utilized when trained community members take the lead (to moderate a circle) and we are involved as a stakeholder."Conflict festers, McKnight said, partly because people fear confrontations. But the difference between letting a conflict fester in silence, versus facing it head on, with compassion, McKnight said, is similar to what happens when a person sticks her index fingers in a woven bamboo tube known as a Chinese finger trap. The harder one pulls away, the tighter the bamboo tube becomes. Only by pressing one's index fingers together can the hands be released from the trap.At the heart of every conflict are basic human needs, to be understood, loved and respected, McKnight said.Carefully addressed disputes to understand all parties puts focus where it should be: on the people, not the problems — on success, not distress. It could also put McKnight out of business, a notion she greets with a burst of laughter."I want everyone in the world to know about this, even if they don't use it!" she said, because the process itself helps people understand one another better. "After a while, you don't have to use it all the time. It changes the quality of our lives."— Follow this reporter on Facebook and Twitter, @SentinelPeg.