Donna Kauffman on 'The Bachelor': Dude. What were you thinking?!

Donna Kauffman on 'The Bachelor': Dude. What were you thinking?!

As we open tonight’s show … it’s raining on the Bachelor. Literally, figuratively, and even metaphorically.

Sean matches this dismal tone by starting off whining. Yay. He’s upset because his fabulous Montana vacay was ruined by all the in-house bickering. Now, to be fair, according to Host Chris, there was a whole lotta lotta more fighting than we saw. Like three hours’ worth of it. All over the house. Yee. So, in that respect, I get that he was Over It. I’m over it and I only had to suffer through one edited show’s worth. It’s 24 hours later and I’m still so over it I’m entering into this evening’s show with a fair amount of ambivalence. And a lot of crushed ice. So, hearing that we’re starting the night with him quite seriously wondering if maybe this was all a huge mistake and none of those women — i.e., these women who dare to bicker — are right for him, isn’t helping the mood.

Which brings me to this:

OK, so, Sean? Couple of things. You want to find a wife by cramming several dozen women, all competing for your attention, all dating you, all making out with you, into one house? Yeah, drama is going to happen. If you don’t want drama in your life, then find a wife the way normal folks do. If you want to do it on television, then suck it up and deal with the mess this process creates.

Secondly: You knew as the Night of a Thousand Fights wore on who was at the center of all the drama. Eeeeeeeeeveryone else in the house gets along with each other. Everyone. So I don’t care if Tierra was Little Miss Susie Sunshine every time you saw her and made your heart go pippity pap and your pants do the happy dance. Once you hear from multiple women that she doesn’t get along with anyone, and you’ve not only watched the show, but for crying out loud, you’ve been on it before… You DON’T NEED MORE PROOF. Every last woman there telling you she’s bad news is all the proof you needed. So unless you’re really seriously considering marrying a woman who alienates everyone around her no matter the reason, if you truly wanted to cut the drama out of the equation, you could have sent the cause of all of it home. And that power rested solely with you. The women are stuck with her. You aren’t.

Instead, you opted to keep her there. So that’s on you, sugar plum. And yet, you want to whine and blame it on the rest of the women and be all pouty because they’re not making it all about you. News flash: You’re the only one who is in this for you. They’re hoping to be part of that, but in the end, only one of them will be. In the meantime, they’re not living alone like you are. So in addition to getting to know you, they have to deal with this ridiculous setup . And yet, all but one of them are dealing with it and quite admirably, all things considered. Tierra is the only one who isn’t dealing with it. Other than, you know … you.

So do that math, dude. Then own that you’re as much a part of the problem as any of them are, only you’re the only one who can fix it. Then for the love of God, fix it already and shut up. Jeez. Do I have to do everything for you?

Whew! And with that … welcome to Night Two of our Special Two-Night Bachelor Event!

Are you strapped in, Blog Babes? Because there is no question we’re in for a bumpy ride!!

We have moved on to Lake Louise in Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada. It’s truly stunning. And Host Chris? Is sadly wearing even more layers. Also? Not only do we get Whining Sean at the top of the show, the producers don’t even throw us the tiniest of come-hither bones with even a stingy little Working Out With Sean session. Honestly, it’s the least they owe us if they want us to stay invested. Am I right? He wants to find a wife. We want Tierra to go home. And to spend more time ogling a half-naked Sean. Fair trade, I think.

Alas, no. We haven’t even unpacked yet and the first date card arrives. We’re down to nine ladies and a full third of them haven’t had a solo date with Sean yet. (And yet, all claim they’re falling in love with him. Scary, right?) Daniela, Catherine, and … like we don’t know … Tierra, are the last ones left waiting.

Now, before we move on, for all I haven’t held back snarking on the events of the show, or the behavior, the comments, the choices being made … other than a very few comments on clothing choices, I haven’t said anything negative about the women themselves, meaning their appearance. I mean, they’re all very pretty, they all have knockout bodies, so what’s to discuss, right? Well … it’s Week 5.2 and … can we talk about Daniela’s hair? Because what’s UP with it? Badly colored, always looks like a rat’s nest, even at the cocktail parties. Now, I say this with love, Daniela, but sweetie, if you’re competing with a bunch of other knockouts for a man’s attention, and you’re no slouch in the looks department, either, for God’s sake, run a comb through your hair! Touch up those roots!

Ahem.

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OK, public service announcement over. And who does Sean choose for the one-on-one? Catherine! “Let’s find our fairy tale ending!” the date card reads. And let the drinking/Hershey Kiss game begin!!! You know the buzzwords … journey, fairy tale, connection … and because we need an extra boost to get through tonight, I’m adding drama to the list. (I know, we’ll be in a chocolate coma before the 30-minute mark.) Every time anyone utters a buzzword, unwrap yourself another little morsel … or three. It’s only fair.

One-on-One Date:

So, Catherine is standing in the midst of a total whiteout, gorgeous scenery if she could, you know, see it. It’s subarctic-looking and definitely not comfortable. (But then when has Sean ever concerned himself with his date’s comfort? Oh, right, that would be never.) Eventually, as frostbite settles in even for the viewers at home, over the hill comes a giant snowbus, with Sean at the wheel. They’re in Jasper National Park, and she gets a onesie snowsuit and they’re off to play on a glacier. I can safely say that his idea of a “fairy tale ending” is not the same as mine, and I’m an outdoorsy person. I will say, it’s a stunning view to look at. But, dang, that looks cold. (All right, show of hands. And be honest. When Sean says “And thank you for riding Sean’s giant snowbus!” how many of you had naughty thoughts? Come on! Fess up!)

So yeah … Sean wants to turn things around from the drama and depression that was their last night in Montana. He needs to rekindle the romance, get them all back on the It’s All About You Loving Meeeee Train. So what does he do? Plans a date on a frigid glacier … then complains that it’s cold, windy, with ice stinging their faces and frostbite a very strong possibility. And wow, golly gee, he’s not sure how romantic this is really going to be.

Say it with me, y’all … YA THINK????

No, clearly he does not. Not ever.

To her credit, Catherine goes all-out. Hard core. I mean, honestly, there is no other way to describe it. And she’s not faking this. (In that environment, you couldn’t. Not for long, anyway.) She’s sincerely having a blast. She’s sledding, she’s hand-springing, she’s making snow angels, they’re laughing, playing, and they both look like something a Yeti dragged in. But, folks, if this is the date she’s handed, well, then, she’s going to have herself a good ol’ time and make the most of it. And, boy, does she. Sean is blown away, and he damn well should be. You know, he was more gushy with Lindsay, but whereas he has that same level of chemistry here, the difference is that Catherine is older than Lindsay, I think both in maturity and just life experience. Lindsay struck me as really young, whereas Catherine, for all her giggly side, strikes me as running a bit deeper. Selma did as well, but Selma comes with a lot of cultural issues that Sean might not see his world really blending with. Catherine, on the other hand, is what we all know Sean claims to want … natural, no drama, just easy-peasy compatibility.

The night date in the ice castle only serves to reaffirm all of this. Even Sean is a bit more sober and not as giddy, lusty when listing all the things he likes about her, and I take that as a serious sign. And you know … I think I’m calling it right now, folks. Just sayin’. All in all, from age to connection to ease of compatibility, it’s the best truly honest match up he has with who is left. Agree? Different mileage reading?

Back at the Hacienda, the group date card arrives. And given Catherine is on her date and Tierra at least got the two-on-one, everyone is certain it will be Daniela left off the group date card. Only? Not so much. I think the rose he gave her the night before was a please-stop-crying-it’s-OK kind of thing, which he’s done before. Whereas he’s kept Tierra and Catherine hanging around waiting, too, I think that’s because he already knows there’s a connection there, so he can take his time getting to know them. But Daniela is going to fall into the Jackie, Robyn, Other Leslie column. And this pretty much seals that fate.

Who was left off the card? Des! She seems surprised, but I’m not. The fact that she spoke out about not being happy that he turned his back on the winning team to the point of giving a rose to the losing team member, then talked about Tierra with him (at his request, mind you) left him feeling like they’d taken a giant step backward. To the point she was the last person to get a rose. So this date is like the Kacie date. Should we, shouldn’t we? Now, from Sean’s perspective, he could do a lot worse than Des. I like her. She seems to totally get this whole setup, as does Catherine, who totally rolls with it and doesn’t seem to get all over-the-top about how it’s going. From Des’ perspective, however, other than the idea that failure at anything is never fun, I’m seriously wondering what she sees in this guy, given her personal experiences with him. Given what we’ve seen of her, if they’d met in the real world? I sincerely doubt she’d have ever made it past date one with him before moving on. So don’t try too hard to “win” this, Des, because I don’t think this will be much of a prize for you.

OK … so it’s Group Date time!

By now, we’ve all seen the advance clips about this “date” ad nauseam. Yet again, Sean has chosen a torture date. (Seriously, this is getting disturbing.) I know there is a tradition in tundra country for hardy souls to prove … something, but running and dipping their scantily clad bodies in frigid water, risking all sorts of potential mayhem, not to mention, while it’s daring, it’s not, as Sean claims … F-U-N … yeah, that’s not it. Fun, Sean, is not anything you ever plan for these group dates. Look it up. So I’m on the picket line with this “date” even before the drama.

And the drama? Well, of course it’s Tierra. So … sigh … let’s go ahead and watch, shall we? (Do we haaaaaaaaave to?) Free bonus round of Hershey Kisses, just because we’ve already earned it before we even watch.

Because Sean also hasn’t learned that canoes are not these girls’ friends (did you see that “race” last night?) they are starting this frigid date on the water, canoeing across Lake Louise. Now, this is an utterly stunning view, breathtaking by every measure, and if it were me and my S.O. I would find it exhilarating to canoe across that lake together, looking at that gorgeous vista. Being crammed in one of three boats with Not Sean? Yeah … not so much really. So, also, yet again, for a guy who was all concerned about not utilizing his time wisely, he’s going to waste half this date in a setup that lets him interact with … no one. Yeah. He’s special, Our Sean.

Lesley, who does apparently think, realizes that if Sean’s alone in his canoe, and there is a second seat … well … why on earth would she willingly get in another boat with her competition? And also? Thank you, thank you, thank you for thinking of this before Tierra beat you to it. And once they’re on the water, I gotta say, Sarah? You rock. She has to row with one and a half arms, and she just goes for it. Rose for you, from me. You’re an all star.

Now that they’ve all had to bust butt rowing, separate from the guy they’re there to be with, all the way down this lake in frigid temps, they’re all “yay, there better be a hot tub, a fire, and some comfort up ahead in those tents on the shore because our toes and fingers are falling off from frostbite!”

Silly wabbits. Have you not met Sean? This is a guy who gets his date-planning inspiration from Torquemada.

Sean keeps saying how he wants a woman who can enjoy life … and yet he hands them the harshest “life experiences” to “enjoy.” It’s not embracing life, Sean, when it’s more grinning and bearing it, at bare minimum, just to get through it. This isn’t seeing if they enjoy life, this is testing them to see how far you can push them before they’ll tell you to take your sick idea of dating as far away from them as possible. Which is why I again say, Catherine is topping the list after utterly kicking her ridiculous glacier date on its frigid cold behind.

I also love how Sean so magnanimously says, “Hey, you don’t have to jump in frigid water in a bikini and risk certain death in front of me if you don’t want to. But I know you’ll want to because you only live once.” You only die once, too, Sean. Just sayin’. And, of course, any woman there knows that if she doesn’t go in, she’s out of the race completely because she’s clearly not “woman enough” for Sean. And the thing is, this is exactly something I would do, just for grins, for the thrill. But it’s not set up for grins. It’s set up purely as a test, to see if I’m “worthy.” And, again, for that reason alone, I’d tell him to take his “date” and shove it if someone pulled that crap on me. Just me??

Also, Sean? We’ve had to call emergency rescue for these girls (more than once!) while doing nothing more strenuous than living in a house together. If you set up a date where having both a lifeguard and an EMT on hand is mandatory? Yet again, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? The more the EMT goes through the list of all the harrowing dangers associated with what they’re about to attempt (not do … just attempt), with Sean standing there, grinning like an idiot, the more I’d be wanting to get the girls together and say, “He tried to maim us during roller derby. Now he’s trying to kill us. At what point do we rise up as a group and say screw you?” I’m thinking now would be a splendid time for that. Right before I called my lawyer to find the clause in the contract I signed where it says they can kill me and I have to be OK with that. And if that makes me not “woman enough” for Sean, because I’m “woman enough” to use the brain God gave me? I’m totally good with that. You?

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Man, am I cranky tonight or what? But this is annoying me beyond the extreme. Just me? The fruity umbrella drink just isn’t enough. Maybe more chocolate. A lot more chocolate.

However!! I can possibly help make your Bachelor Experience a bit more fun! Here are the details:

I think we need a big ‘ol giveaway this week to give us something that actually is F-U-N to look forward to! Valentine’s Day is coming and given the role Hershey’s Kisses have played in getting us through this season, I thought it only right to celebrate the holiday with some free books, and free chocolate! And because we have a two-night show this week, let’s double the pleasure and have two winners next Monday!

To enter to win ANY book from my website bookshelf and a yummy chocolate surprise, send an e-mail to donna@donnakauffman.com with “Books & Chocolate? I’m in!!” in the subject line. Then check out my website bookshelf and in the body of your e-mail, tell me the title you want to win, if you want print or digital, and where to send it (e-mail/format or snail mail address).

I will pick TWO WINNERS and announce them in next week’s Bachelor Blog! Good luck!

Grab a refill of your now Big Gulp-size fruity umbrella drink and a handful of Kisses … OK, a fistful, while we watch and find out just how close a brush with death these women are willing to risk having, solely for a chance to date a guy who is dating all nine of you. (Yeah, I’m thinking once again … we’re on the better date in the shallow end of the pool. Just sayin’ …)

Donna Kauffman is a best-selling romance author. Her latest release in her popular Cupcake Club series is Babycakes. The next, Honey Pie, comes out in April. Random House has also been e-releasing her earlier Loveswept romances. Her website is DonnaKauffman.com.