"Like paying to watch a 90-minute TV commercial...while being set on fire."

I have a niece who is almost 12. Like most kids her age, she likes whatver TV shows, music and movies that all her schoolyard pals are into. Seeing as children are (by definition) inexperienced creatures (not to mention pretty dumb sometimes), it only stands to reason that on ocassion they will like CRAP. Crap like professional wrestling. Crap like Pokemon.

Bottom Line: This whole Pokemon thing is a pathetic and transparent marketing sham, masquerading (poorly) as entertainment. If you choose to look carefully (and I wouldn't recommend it), you may almost see the germ of a clever idea for a kid's program. Unfortunately, the end product is similar to watching a 90-minute commercial for a product that isn't all that appealing to begin with.

Imagine watching a promotional clip for a Happy Meal.

Imagine watching what a migraine headache looks like.

Imagine the shame you'll feel when your beautiful and intelligent offspring start behaving like mindless little drones; creatures now intent on only one thing: Collecting every piece of paper or plastic in the known universe that has something called Pikachu on it.

Yeah, I know that somehow this series has a very outspoken fanbase, and I risk certain Poke-Death by stating this, but this shit has got to stop. The first Pokemon film was released in 1999 with a sequel in 2000. Of course a third one is planned for later this year. While I can certainly expect the Japanese corporations to keep churning this swill out, I had hoped that American kids would have caught on to the scam by now.

I hesitate to use the word 'plot' in regard to this 'movie', but here's what I could ascertain: Evil guys kidnap good Pokemon. Evil guys try to duplicate Pokemon, with predictably poor results. The clones turn out to be (shudder) evil, and this opens the door for numerous pointless 'battles' between numerous pointless (but different colored!) Poke-things. One has spikes. He's called Rockackor and he's PokeMineral #232 and you can only buy him in Spokane. There's one made entirely of poop called FecaChu and he has special methane powers and you can only get this guy by sending in proofs of purchase for a cereal that they haven't made in 11 years.

What's probably the saddest thing about this whole shebang is that basically the animation sucks Japanese ass! I've seen lots of REAL "Anime" in my time (although I'm certainly no expert in that genre) and some of that stuff will melt your eyes out it's so cool. (Princess Mononoke and Akira come to mind.) The Pokemon animation looks exactly like the old Speed Racer show. And while Speed Racer was pretty damn cool for its era, that was like thirty frickin' years ago! Apparently the 'good' Japanese animators only work on movies in which animated young women get anally raped repeatedly by giant drooling pink tentacles. (Don't laugh...I've seen these movies.) For the kids' movies, the animation is apparently stuck in the sixties.

I don't want any emails from you freaks. If you're over the age of 10 and you voluntarily watch Pokemon, you're sheep. If you're going to be die-hard fans of some specific entertainment offering, you could at least choose something of quality. Start a Matthew Lillard fan club. Create a website devoted to the Police Academy movies. Shave your neck and sell the clippings on ebay as "Authentic Jennifer Lopez Pubic Hair". Just please...stop feeding this bloated and pathetic fad. It's over.

I don't think I've ever described a movie as 'artistically bankrupt in every conceivable fashion especially on weekdays', but I'm willing to make that distinction here. To all the parents out there: Just because your tots SCREAM for a certain product, that doesn't mean you HAVE to give it to them. Use your brains. You wouldn't feed your kids a plate of 'Processed Cheese Food' for dinner. Why would you allow them sit to through 90 minutes of 'Processed Animation Product' for entertainment? Is it THAT important to get your kids to shut up?