Suicide Blonde
premiered at the 1999 Fort Lauderdale International Film Festival,
and did well enough to land a DVD distribution deal. While clearly a
very low budget effort, it was a quick watch. It could best be
described as a Tarantinoesque humorous thriller. A lowly valet for a
strip joint, who has an "unhealthy fixation" on a stripper who
treats him like dirt, and no real life, is parking a classic stretch
Cadillac convertible for 4 big time Hispanic crooks, and bumps into
a blonde (Angel Boris). She asks him for a ride home, saying that
her crazy boyfriend, who has a big gun, is chasing her. They get to
her supposed apartment, and the boyfriend shows up wearing a leather
jacket with a big scorpion on it and carrying a big gun. The
boyfriend's plot was to steal the car and shoot the valet. By
chance, he only wounds him, and the valet somehow manages to kill
Scorpion.

Meanwhile, the hoods have committed a murder in the strip joint, and
are rather upset to be missing their getaway car. After they take a
cab from the crime scene, they are looking for the valet, with the
idea of horrible torture and death. Boris makes nice with the valet,
who ends up killing a second person, and going to bed with her. In
the course of the evening, the crooks start talking about the
legendary Scorpion guy with the crazy blonde, and are then told that
the valet who has their car is actually the legendary Scorpion and
the crazy blonde.

As I write this, 10 IMDB readers have this at 8.6 of
10. It isn't really better than Casablanca, but if enough people see
it to give it an accurate rating, I would expect it to settle into the
low 6s, because the film has some offbeat characters, good looking
women, plenty of over-the-top violence, and more than a little humor.
It is also a far better looking film than I would expect from a
mini-budget production.

NUDITY REPORT

Angel Boris, Hefmate of the month in July,
1996, shows breasts and buns. Tonya Goodson as a stripper shows
breasts. Various unidentified background strippers show breasts
as well.

Scoop's comments in yellow:

Suicide Blonde is actually a remarkably
entertaining film for something made with a budget of approximately
zero. It's a gangster comedy-drama in which the gangsters are both
threatening and silly, like Miami Cubano updates some of the
Runyonesque underworld characters in the films of the 1940's. (Think
about the roles Mike Mazurki used to play, if you're a film buff).
Shot in the Art Deco District on South Beach, it was filmed with
extreme levels of contrast and saturation in order to give a more
distinctive flavor to the otherwise unexceptional visuals. For a
no-budget film, it does have a certain flair.

A feckless valet parking attendant is hijacked by psychotic
criminals while parking the car of a big-time gangster. During the
course of the night, in several desperate self-defense maneuvers,
the poor schmuck lucks out of several tricky situations with the
hijackers and the car's owner, and ends up assuming the identity of
a legendary underworld figure named Scorpion - sort of a Miami
version of Keyser Sose. By the time the Cuban Mafia guys finally
meet him, it is they who are terrified, not he.

Pretty silly stuff, but an easy watch.
Not a big winner, but a film
worth watching if you really enjoy the whole lurid, tongue-in-cheek,
Tarantino approach to violence.

The
Critics Vote

no major reviews online

The People
Vote ...

IMDB summary.
IMDb voters score it 8.2/10. That's based on 12 votes.
It should settle in around 6.0.

The meaning of the IMDb
score: 7.5 usually indicates a level of
excellence equivalent to about three and a half stars
from the critics. 6.0 usually indicates lukewarm
watchability, comparable to approximately two and a half stars
from the critics. The fives are generally not
worthwhile unless they are really your kind of
material, equivalent to about a two star rating from the critics.
Films rated below five are generally awful even if you
like that kind of film - this score is roughly equivalent to one
and a half stars from the critics or even less,
depending on just how far below five the rating
is.

My own
guideline: A means the movie is so good it
will appeal to you even if you hate the genre. B means the movie is not
good enough to win you over if you hate the
genre, but is good enough to do so if you have an
open mind about this type of film. C means it will only
appeal to genre addicts, and has no crossover
appeal. (C+ means it has no crossover appeal, but
will be considered excellent by genre fans, while
C- indicates that it we found it to
be a poor movie although genre addicts find it watchable). D means you'll hate it even if you
like the genre. E means that you'll hate it even if
you love the genre. F means that the film is not only
unappealing across-the-board, but technically
inept as well.

Any film rated C- or better is recommended for
fans of that type of film. Any film rated B- or better is
recommended for just about anyone. We don't score films below C-
that often, because we like movies and we think that most of
them have at least a solid niche audience. Now that you know
that, you should have serious reservations about any movie below
C-.

Based on this description, this
film is a C (Tuna) or C- (Scoopy). Both reviewers were
reasonably entertained and surprised to see how good this movie is,
within the constraints of its noticeable lack of budget and its
inexperienced actors.