Tuesday, December 24, 2013

the Morning my Life Changed Forever

Through my deep sleep I barely heard anything. It took a few minutes to awake from such a deep sleep and such a weird dream. Finally I noticed my dad yelling at me.What? What? Huh?I told you to get up already and you are still in bed- now you are going to be late for school!What are you talking about? This is the first time I woke up.No, You sat up in bed and said you would get up, and you never even got out of bed.Dad, come on. You know I talk in my sleep. I seriously dont remember you waking me up and I was pretty heavily sleeping just now. It was really hard to wake up.Stop lying. That is the stupidest thing I've heard.No seriously dad, I've been known to sleep walk and talk over at mom's.That is the worst lie I've ever heard!What are you talking about? Just ask my brothers! Just because I havent lived with you for most of my life, doesnt mean it doesnt happen.
The fight went on for another few minutes. It confused me. I thought it was ridiculous, because now that I was awake, I needed to focus to get ready quickly, to make up for that lost time. Instead my dad went into my closet where the catbox was and proceeded to rant some more about the catbox needing cleaning. I lost it finally.I'll Fucking do it!
I remember seeing his had twice as he swung at me. First he slapped me. Then he punched me right in the face. I was so surprised and shocked I just sat there gaping in horror. What could I have possibly done to deserve this?
I remember him dragging me in a headlock, me having to push with my legs because he was choking me. He dragged me into the hallway towards the living room, past his bedroom. My stepmother came out of their room and yelled at me. My father was yelling too. I couldnt hear what they were saying because I was so stunned. Everything was such a blur. Then my father dragged me back down the hallway past his room, then mine, and into the bathroom where he held me backwards over the sink. He was still choking me as he dragged me. As he held me backwards over the sink I struggled more to breathe. He was yelling in a furious rage. As he grabbed the brand new bar of soap and tried to shove it in my mouth I fought to keep it out. It was the perfect size to fit in my mouth with hardly any room. Since I was already struggling to breathe, I began to fight in what I felt like was for my life. I couldn't let that bar of soap in my mouth, I thought I would asphyxiate. My little brother had a bathroom on the other side of the wall. I knew he was in his room that morning. I begged and screamed for him to help me, but he never came to my rescue. I was all alone. My family own family was doing this to me.
Finally my father let me go. I fell to the floor gasping for breath, searching for reason why this had happened. As quickly as I could I got in the shower and under the water I began to cry. That's when I noticed the blood coming from my nose.My own father punched me in the nose. Because I was raped?
The tension in the house had been building for over a week, but never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined the father that refused to spank us would beat me and choke me. Especially because I had admitted I was raped!
Sobbing uncontrollably, I went into survival mode.What do I do? Where do I go?
I got ready in a hurry. When I grabbed my backpack, I pulled out all the books- and it was Full that day. Grabbing a few change of clothes and basic necessities- toothbrush and deodorant, I filled my back pack and then grabbed all my books, carrying them in my arms.How do I do this? He will know!
So I realized that to play it off, I had to act like a bad teenager; I had to play into this perception he had of me.This was important. Otherwise he may beat me again.
With what little reserve I had I stiffened up and put on an act.This is do or die Maggie. He cant know.
I barely spoke to him the whole ride to school. This was partly to play into the act, partly because I was afraid my voice would crack and give me away. Instead I played the part well- grumpy teenager with an attitude who thinks she's right. It wasnt me, but I had to pull off the facade long enough to get to school. Once I was there, I was safe. I remember telling him goodbye in a rude way. I knew I would miss him. I wanted to hug him and kiss him goodbye because I knew I would probably never see him again, but I couldnt give myself away. To be sure I didn't give myself away since my voice had cracked ever so slightly, I slammed the car door behind me. He drove away with an attitude, driving off too quickly and too fast in response.
Once I heard the car get far enough away, my whole body crumpled. I walked onto the soccer field for first period marching band. My spot on the flagline was at the very front side of the band and to get to it I had to pass over a hundred people, most of whom I had known for most of my life. Many I had developed a deep personal friendship with at some time or another. I got about halfway through the field before I started sobbing. Band practiced completely stopped.
I never cried. I was always the happy, positive person, no matter what happened. I was the person people came to to be comforted and cheered up. I never even made it to my spot when a friend reached for me. I collapsed into her crying. the band director asked for the girls to help me off the field. About half the flagline- all the girls on that side of the soccer field walked me off the field. A few walked me to the counselor's office.
Stopping in the hallway outside of the band room, I pulled myself together. Just as I was pulling myself together, one of only 3 people I've ever completely disliked in my whole life walked by. She stopped to laugh at me. Shooting her a piercing glare, I put my head up and walked into the counselor's office- walking through the entire school. Every step was incredibly painful as tears burned in my eyes. I dare not cry in the hallway.The sobs will stop more classes and I won't be able to stop. There is already enough attention on me now.
Once I made it into the counselor's office, I sat down and told her everything- the rape and the beating. The cops and Child Protective Services were called as required by the law. I sat there and waited, all in a daze.Out of everyone in the world, why did it have to be my Dad? I thought he was going to protect me.