How I Survived Being A Single Mom

I know you. I feel you. I can read your mind. I am you. A Single Mom. It was eleven years ago when I made a beautiful mess in my ...

I know you. I feel
you. I can read your mind. I am you.
A Single Mom.

It was eleven years ago when I made a beautiful mess in
my life. I got pregnant out of wedlock
and was forced to be married to a person I didn’t see my entire future with and
whom I knew I had a lot of differences wtih.
But we still got hitched anyway, because the family cared too much about
what other people may say. But we
learned our lessons well, right after that mistake. I remember very well saying, “I don’t want to
get married.” My voice and feelings were
less important than the situation we were in.

We tried a year, but separated soon after desperately
trying. I felt alone, but relieved. I felt scared, but ready to face the
consequences. I was easily judged,
called names, and even taken advantage of by some people. I had a lot of insecurities. I struggled financially. I raised my child solo.

I felt ALONE but RELIEVED.

I know very well how depressing it felt especially when I
was out with my child at a mall and see another child with both his mom and dad
beside him. They looked very happy and
of course complete. My heart would crush
many times at the thought of having no one to help me raise my child. But still, I was relieved. I would rather be alone, than be with someone
I didn’t trust anymore. I would rather be
alone, than be stuck in a unit where love and respect no longer linger. I would rather be alone with my child, than
argue with another person. I was
relieved. I knew, things happened for a
reason. I didn’t understand what, but I
knew then that being alone was the better situation for me and my child. I’d rather be a single mom.

I was SCARED.

Sometimes, idealists, moralists, including the perfectionists expect one truth for married couples. To be together for better or for worse. But if I could only tell them to open their eyes to other realities that not all end up like that or like them. I was scared for my future, my son's future, how he will cope with this new normal. I was scared of the questions he might ask about family, and how correctly I could answer them in a manner he will understand. I was scared if I could successfully bring him up a fine young man even if I would do it solo and without a dad figure. I was scared about everything and anything that concerned my son. I would look at him as a baby and cry. I even felt sorry and guilty for partly being the reason for our situation. But beyond the fears, I stood firm with my decision. I knew it was for the better. I knew that I have the support of my family. I conditioned myself to that I'll be a better and more involved mom. I was ready to face whatever consequences my decision would bring. I was never prepared for anything. What I was about to embark to, wasn't the norm, it's irregular and totally brave. I faced each day with strength in my heart which ultimately came from my son.

I was JUDGED.
Oh boy, I was called so many names. Want a few examples? Separada. Dala-nang Ina (instead of dalaga). And a lot other worse names. People in the neighborhood talked about me, they love rumoring as their past time. They formed cruel impressions about me. I was mad at them. I resented living where I was. My parents were affected by what false buzz was spreading about the reason why I got separated and why I became a single mom. But of course, they could keep guessing and wouldn't get the real story from me or any of my family. Why? Because I didn't owe anyone an explanation. Honestly speaking, yes at first I was deeply affected because it was truly unfair for strangers in the neighborhood to pretend to know my whole story, when they only heard about it from other people not even connected to me. I feared how the rumoring would affect the people I love, my son and my parents. But knowing the truth and holding on to it kept me going. It lifted my spirits up to fight for my situation back then. Is being a single mom worse than aborting a child? Is being a single mom worse than abandoning my responsibilities for my child? Is being a single mom worse than accepting the mental and psychological abuse a woman gets in a marital relationship just so she could keep the marriage intact? NO. So I started caring less about what others say about me and protected my child from them by not exposing him to people and places I feel he won't be safe. I am answerable to God and not to them. I carried on.

I was INSECURE.
Having no father present for my son in his daily life was a big insecurity for me. I felt incomplete as a parent. I felt sad for my son, but of course I didn't let him feel that. It was difficult to go out every weekend to spend family day without a complete family. Whenever we strolled the mall or park and saw a family with both parents present, I was heartbroken. It was tearing me apart. I had questioned myself as a woman, as a mother. I doubted my decisions and sometimes regretted it. It got to a point when I was obsessed about having a father figure present whenever we'd go out, only to realize it was wrong and not helping the situation. I learned to just concentrate on what makes me happy. Because when I am happy I become whole. And the only reason of my happiness is my son. I focused on him and depended more on God and His plans for the two of us. I depended on God to take care and keep both of us safe. I became less and less insecure. The insecurities, weren't 100% gone right away, but I didn't notice it haunting me anymore. I spent more time with my son and truly, he took out all the negativity I was feeling back then.

I STRUGGLED FINANCIALLY
Being a solo parent to a child who has his own needs (and of course wants) was hard. Difficult was an understatement. Other families with one child, earn double to be able to support the needs of the family. Talk about vaccinations, milk, diaper, clothes, food, then later on educational expenses added to the list. I had to support him by myself. Back then, after being a stay-at-home-mom for two years since I got pregnant, my bounce-back job wasn't a dream job. I started as a junior officer, it was a level or two higher than a staff position. Of course, it didn't pay enough to say that we lived comfortably. It was heartbreaking when I had to decline some unbudgeted requests from my son. But we survived. God indeed PROVIDES! Seriously, it's a mystery how with the measly salary I was earning back then, I was able to support him with all his needs, send him to school and even have extra for leisure activities. It was a miracle for me. I learned to pray more and depend on God more. He answered all my prayers. He never failed us and He never will.

SECOND CHANCES
Everybody deserves a second chance. YES us too SINGLE MOTHERS. We deserve a second, even a third (and a lot more) chance at LIFE and at LOVE. We have a very loving God. We have a very forgiving God. We have a generous God who provides what we need in order for us to be able to take care of HIS wonderful creation and gift to us mothers, our child/children. HE will not abandon us. God looks after mothers who unconditionally love her child and do everything she can to survive.

If you worry that no one would love you and your child anymore, STOP. Because that is not true. While God is molding you as a more responsible mother and the best person that you could be, He is also molding another person who would accept you and your child with all his heart. You don't have to rush. You don't have to look. God will bring him to you. Believe that will happen because it happened to me. Just have faith and pray for it. God will give you what you ask for and say YES to persons and situations that are best for you and your child. He is faithful to you.

You see, people should have more respect for Single Mothers. Most would frown upon us for the choices we make and the way we decide our lives to run. Some people don't know the pain, the sacrifices, the heartbreaks, the stressful and depressing moments, and the buckets of tears we cry when we think of the future of our child/children.

To people who don't know what we go through, instead of judging and discouraging the single mothers, please do pray for us, inspire us, encourage us, and lift us up. Instead of talking about us behind our backs, ask us how we are. We are imperfect, and so are you and everybody else. We made this choice not because we want to be more independent or we don't want to commit or we want to party more or because we're selfish. We made some life choices most probably because it's for the better.

Dear single mothers reading this, feel my warm hug while I tell you that you will be better. Your child will have a good future. God will provide. You will SURVIVE. Because I did. It was not an easy road, but with prayers and a strong faith in finding and believing in God's promise, I SURVIVED.

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26
comments

Single mom here and I am so grateful for this post. While the reason for my being a single parent is slightly different from yours, you have been able to voice out those things that I have been feeling and going through. Being a single parent is indeed a roller coaster ride but at the end of the day, it is all worth it. Such an inspiring post. Thanks

I have nothing but HUGE RESPECT for all SINGLE MOMS out there. Being a MOM alone is a huge responsibility, what more being the MOM and the DAD. :) For sure many single moms will find your article and words very comforting :). Awesome Louise!

Many many thanks @ronley! I do hope so too that this reaches out to the Single Moms out there who may be feeling a little low about their situation. I want to tell them there is nothing wrong about it and in fact should be proud. We all need some more understanding and pats on our backs.

It is for this reason why I came out bravely and wrote this article dear @liz. Because I used to feel all those, but was able to overcome them. I found a second chance at Life and LOVE and indeed it's possible. God will never fail us. He carefully looks after us single moms. God bless to you! Thank you for finding this post inspiring and I hope I could hug every single mom reading this or about to read this post! We all need encouragement and strength from each other! God bless you and your child. Take care!

Hi. I'm also a new single mom and a doctor by profession. I am blessed with a beautiful daughter. But not like you that you got hitched. My daughter's father did not took any responsibility for raising our child by far. And as of the moment his family nor friends dont know that he is already a dad. Anyways, what is causing me pain is that my family have already accepted my fate that i am a single mom. Its just that everytime my mom would tell her friends that she is already a lola, she would tell her that its my brother's child. So that my reputation will not be ruined. I know its shallow but its still offensive. Deep down it hurts. But what can i do? I cant even post pictures to my fb account that i already have a daughter. I just find it unfair how single moms are being judged so quickly. Well in fact that we are supermoms. Thank u for ur post ms. Louise. I hope that one day i can finally shout to the world that i am happy and blessed for having a beautiful daughter. Godbless!

Hello @Tina de Jesus. God's timing is always perfect timing. But first off, maybe you may want to talk to your parents about your feelings. If you really do want to shout to the world about your daughter, you can do so anytime as long as you already make a decision to do so. I understand how you feel about being hurt for being judged by other people. But think of the people that matter more in your life, and they will not mind. The most important person to consider is of course your daughter. I did everything I did, even when others will look down on me and talk behind my back, for my son's sake. I had my parent's full support, and with that, I didn't bother to care what others would say about my situation. I hope that you'll soon find the courage to shout to the world about your daughter... because after all, she's all the matters in your life! Your family will surely understand and love you and your daughter unconditionally. God would want it that way. That's why He gave you the most special gift He could ever give a woman, a child. God bless you and I am joyful that my post was able to reach you, inspire you and touch you. Take care!

Hello Malou! God bless you and your baby. You're correct, everything happens for a reason. Reasons that sometimes we don't know and don't understand, but God has it covered. Keep your head up high. Thank you for visiting my blog. I am happy that I was able to touch your heart and inspire you in any way. Take care always. :)

Eye-and-heart-opener post indeed! Thank for this brave post of yours ms Louise. I hope and pray that God will continue to strengthen all single moms out there. Their child must be very very blessed because they are raised by super single moms! God bless you and all single moms out there!

Thanks too so much Yanna for visiting my blog! :) Regarding annulment which I finished last 2008, my lawyer was really helpful and making it smooth sailing. It was easier and faster before compared to filing it nowadays. Ngayon kasi it's stricter daw due to the growing number of annulment cases. Just look for a good lawyer to help you with your case. :)

I never imagined I will be searching "how to survive single parenting" on Google this early. And I found yours. I feel you. This is empowering. I hope I can also get over this thing. You know what, I feel such a mess right now. But as you say, I will depend on God. I know He will give me strength to face all my fears.

Hello @Mhay P., I wrote this wholeheartedly for single mothers who I could very much relate to because I experienced being it. I can testify about God's grace and forgiveness. I'm now happily married to my long-time life partner who waited until I was ready to commit myself into marriage again. We have a child together, he's 5 years old. And I'm now expecting another child with him. He's also adopting my first son from previous marriage. God is a God of second chances. He never fails us. He will always guide us and keep a special eye for single moms because He knows we're taking care of His blessing by ourselves. Keep your head up high dear. You'll get over this phase in your life. Just trust HIM! :) God bless you and your child. :)

I have so many thoughts going on in my mind right now. And that includes, "will I ever find someone to love me again?". Antonette, you are a lucky girl for meeting someone like your husband now. I hope one day I could open my heart again for another man. I know you know this kind of fear. These fears that only single moms know. I like it when you say our God is a God of second chances. He is, and I know He will never let me be alone towards this journey of single parenthood. I also have two boys. They are toddlers. You also have boys right? BTW, congrats on your new baby on the way.

Hi again. You'll know when you are ready to open your heart.. in God's time. He will heal you first and make you whole again. For now, you may focus your time on your two lovely children and on loving yourself. You're right, God will not leave you alone.. He's with you in this journey as He was with me during the lowest points in my life. :) God bless you always dear! If you need a pat on the back or someone to connect to... just message me! :) Have a good week ahead. :)

hi I'm 28, my partner was 33 and I'm in the middle of confusion, where in I decided for us to separate because we keep arguing and always on misunderstanding. At first, I'm coping that there will also an end of this great sacrifices and sadness I felt inside, I'm holding to our relationship for our daughters. We have two daughters, 1st my 6 years old and then 4 on the second. But his family want to take each child, the eldest to them and the second is to me. I don't want them to grow separately, but because of this situation I put into I felt scared and is separation the answer to all of this pain I endure because of him? I'm much concern of my two daughters now. but I don't want a man like him but I also care for him he has no job but supported with his family so his fine with that. is there a single mom out there with two separated daughters too? ok lng sana kung isa lng pero dalawa anak namin and babae pa. what would it be if they were separated? I love my daughters so much. I maybe afar from them because I work but inside of me I don't want them to go separately.

Hello ^^ I'm 28 years old and I am a single Mom. I have one daughter and she's the best blessing I've ever have. Sadly, I need to leave her with my baby sitter and Mom because I have to work to support her needs. I know there's no such thing as a perfect mother but I want to give the best that I can for my baby. When I was still pregnant the father of my baby swore to be a responsible father and partner however he has a long time girlfriend as far as I know they are still on until now. He wanted me to stay and be with him but he doesn't want us to get married. I was so hurt when he told me that but because I got scared and feeling caught in the middle of the situation I said yes to him. My Mother was so furious (she's a deaconess in our church) because the guy told her that. My Mother told me not to stay with the guy because he's no good. I really love the man (however I don't know if I should trust him knowing that he's also into another relationship). Having a strong Filipino culture (family comes first) I stayed with my family and I didn't go with him. He was so angry; he told me he felt insulted and betrayed. Before, he's still visiting us at home every Sunday but there are times that he failed to do so (maybe his with another girl because I sometime saw the girl’s status in FB). I got angry and out of the blue I told ( I am very impulsive and I make quick decisions these are my weaknesses) him to leave me and my daughter alone. Not to support us because we can be better without him. I even went to the LCR to change the last name of my daughter but they said it is already too late. But then, I got scared and a lot of what ifs comes to my mind like; what if I can’t support her, what if my daughter will ask me about her dad someday, what if I am just too selfish about my decision. So, I went to the guy’s workplace and asked forgiveness and told him that we need him… I need him. He told me the damage that I cause was great and I choose my family over him so I have to prove to him that my decision is right. He said, I need to be strong and I need to shoulder our daughter’s expenses alone and then I never heard anything from him until now. Wow… I cried...cried and cried but whenever I look at my daughter’s eyes I know that I have million reasons to live. Did I make a wrong decision? I am so confused. I keep on praying and honestly sometimes I felt too weak to pray (maybe because of my guilt). Please tell me if I made a right or wrong decision. Thank you so much and more power to you ^^

Hello! Every mother would do anything and would go the distance for their children and their welfare. Regarding your decision to break up with the father of your child, I would have done the same especially if according to you, he has another woman or is still committed to a woman who came to his life before you. It just means, he's committing infidelity to that girl and staying with him doesn't guarantee that he will not be unfaithful with you. If he really loves you especially your daughter with him, when you came to his office to ask for forgiveness, he could have made an agreement with you regarding support for your daughter even if he's not yet ready to make peace with you. As a responsible father, he shouldn't have let you carry the sole responsibility for your daughter. This just goes to show how not worthy of a man he is to be present in your life. Should the time come when he realized he made a mistake and wants to have a relationship with your daughter as a father, let him. But if he appears in the life of your daughter, you have to both agree on support and consistency of his "presence" in your daughter's life, otherwise, I don't think his sporadic visits/presence will help at all. Keep on praying for guidance, for strength, and more blessings so that you'll be able to raise your child well even by yourself. You have your supportive family and friends with you to help you go through your ordeals/heartache and in raising your daughter well. There are a lot of other people who will fill your daughter's life with so much love. Good luck and more power to you. Remember, this difficult phase will pass. Have faith in the Lord. God bless you and your daughter. :)

Thank you so much for your very inspiring words. I am a single mom too. I have a son which is 7 month old now and he's the best blessing I've ever had :) When I discovered that I am pregnant I informed my boyfriend (now ex bf) He suggested for an abortion and told me that he's not ready for any obligation. What I did was I stood for my son. I can't imagine he will rejected us that time. I left the guy and move on forward. It's very difficult for me because I'm working and my family resided to province. I'm all alone during my pregnancy. The day I gave birth the guy was there and when I saw him, all the pain was still in my heart, Until now, I have still communication with him because I understand that he was the father of my son. But I am stressed out of him asking every time for his financial obligation for my son. Out of the blue, He said that he wanted to make us whole as a family but recently I discovered that he has a live in partner. Now, I don't know if I need to give him another chance since he had an affair with the girl who's married and has a 7 year old boy. What's on my mind now was I will let my son stay in my parents which now is in province so I can provide all that he needs and will not ask for any financial assistance for my son, Thinking this, I might have a peaceful mind. Would you mind to give me a piece of advice please? Thank you so much

Hello Mary Rose,I don't know the reason why your ex-bf would want to get together with you and start anew. To help you decide, I'll ask you some questions, if your answers are mostly yes you may consider giving it a try. Did he end the affair? Did he sincerely ask forgiveness from you? Is he willing to fully support your child? Does he have plans for the family like where you'll live, how he'll provide for the family? Did he express intentions of marrying you? If you're still unsure, keep on praying for God's grace and guidance. Also make an agreement (if possible put it in writing) with him on visiting and supporting your child because he's still the father. Your child still deserves to know and have a relationship with him whether you work it out with him or not. God bless you and your child. :)

Hi, i read and feel your story. I'm glad it all worked out for you. I am also a single mom to a one year old. The father of my child abandoned us. We lived with my mom though she reluctantly accepted us. She doesnt want anything to do with us and threatens to throw us on the streets. Everyday I am subjected to verbal abuse from her. It is very depressing tp actually hear horrible words from your own mother especially you have your own child. Many times I wanted for us to run away but I am terrified I have nowhere elso to go. I don't have a job or money or means to support my own child. I considered demanding support from the father but I really don't want to because he doesn't want to do anything with us. I thought of turning to DSWD or temporary shelters but I'm afraid of getting rejected and forced us to return to my abusive mother. I just want to make a fresh start for me and my child. But I really don't know what to do. I am losing both faith and hope. Probably my sanity too. I am scared of what I might do. Desperate people do desperate things. Pls help.

Hi Diana,Thanks for reaching out to me. Don't lose hope. Not for finding a partner, but in finding means to support your own child and making it work. Why not try to work from home first? There are work from home sites, then when you have enough money to pay rent even for a very small space, at least you could move out and have yourself and your child a better environment. Please don'd be harsh on yourself, keep on praying as you work on your and your baby's future. God bless you..

Hello, I'm Louise

Welcome to my blog! I write about my practical life as a mother of two talented and handsome boys, as an ex-single mom and now a happily married woman to my long-time best friend and soulmate, as a full-time career woman in a demanding industry, and as a life adventurer! Welcome to Mommy Practicality!

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