Tuesday, April 11, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: THE RICH ARE GETTING RICHER!

Hillary Clinton made a startling comment today, previewing a speech she is expected to give tomorrow at the Chicago Economic Club. According to the Senator and former First Lady, “the rich are getting richer.”

This announcement was met with an audible gasp as members of the press hurried to get the news to print. One woman reportedly fainted. Clinton did not expand much upon her observation, but a number of key economists agree that people with a lot of money are getting more of it, and the infection of Capitalization may be spreading.

According to researchers, once a person has contracted a lot of money, they don’t need to work anymore to "earn" a living because their money actually does all of the work FOR them. And the more money a person has, the harder that money works to make even MORE money. It’s a vicious cycle that perpetuates itself in creating uncontrolled asset mayhem.

Fortunately, most Americans don’t have to worry about their money multiplying like Gremlins in a tsunami. Institutions called mortgage lenders are hard at work, protecting Americans from the scourge of savings by approving people for loans that effectively prevent us from doing anything with our money other than paying our mortgages and eating processed cheese food products. And as a safety net, a secondary financial adjunct called the credit card industry is there to provide additional support by propogating the illusion that we are financially healthy in affording us access to cutting-edge consumer electronics, designer clothing, and expensive cuisine.

So while the rich keep getting richer, we the masses can sleep comfortably in our well-stocked, yet humble abodes – secure in the knowledge that we are safely insulated from affluence by lines of debt so inflated we will never have to worry about accidentally becoming rich. Or worse – richer!