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The dress was gorgeous. And from the neck down, she looked gorgeous in it. But someone got a case of Dirty Face and it erupted at the worst time, screwing up an otherwise lovely homage to old Hollywood.

Same could not be said however of what happened on stage.

What happened on stage is that Heigl needs to SIT THE F&CK DOWN.

Do I care if she’s nervous? Do I need her to apologise for being nervous? Does it need to be about her? Do we need to be reminded it’s her first trip to the Oscars so she’s all crippled with anxiety? Are you the centre of the f&cking universe???

Read the goddamn prompter and get the hell off the stage!

And get the hell out of my hotel!

We hit the pool bar at the Roosevelt last night after the show for a quick team celebration and Heigl was there with her mom next to our table, attended to by a couple of bodyguards, first getting interviewed by Access Hollywood, then proceeding to get pissed drunk. Both of them were pissed drunk. So they started arguing, right there at the Roosevelt with journalists – hello Access Hollywood? – running around and about.

Is that weird to you? Because it’s super weird to me.

Like… where are her girlfriends? Where is her husband? It’s cool to take your mom to Oscars, absolutely but would you afterparty with your mom? And no one else? Just your mom??? It’s not like they never see each other either. On a recent promotional tour through Europe, Heigl’s mom actually went with her. That was just last week. Stranger still…they skipped the Governor’s Ball for martinis at the Roosevelt!

No? You don’t find this strange? And random?

Maybe it’s just me. See ‘cause I’d take mom, I’d eat with at the Ball, drop her off, and hook up with my girls and gays to head to Vanity Fair (when applicable) or Elton John’s.

Must just be me. I’m a terrible daughter and Katherine Heigl is perfect.

Making assumptions based on one photo – just like the tabloids! Ready to play?

This is a series: nauseating Katherine Heigl with her husband yesterday shopping, then big smiles when the paps come around.

What are you inferring? Especially from the shots of them stone faced waiting for their car? Maybe Josh is offended by her coat? Because I’m certainly offended by her coat. And he looks awfully annoyed to me. In fact, this looks awfully like a couple caught in a spat. Or a man who cannot bear a wife who Will.Not.Stop.Talking.

Can you imagine what it must be like to live with her? To listen to an endless litany of observations being made as if they were uttered for the first time ever, in the history of all womankind. Rah rah rah!

Spoke to soon? Posted yesterday about Kate Bosworth’s improved appearance at Letterman but didn’t see her upper body.

Here’s Kate at a special screening of 21 last night loosely wrapping her bones in another wicked outfit. The back of that coat is a dream. And she is totally owning Victoria Beckham in the skinny sweepstakes! The collar bone action, the jutting shoulders, the bony knees…and giving her the edge in the competition – it’s her bulimic jaw. You see that? At the corners of her face? The signature mark of all accomplished starvers…

Oh Posh will NOT be happy. Posh really does need to step up her thin game.

She isn’t eating. She hasn’t been eating for weeks, hellbent on losing what she calls some extra padding but what everyone else calls … nothing. There is nothing to lose. But still she needs to lose it.

Started dieting furiously a couple of months ago but wasn’t seeing results quickly enough so she’s cut back the food and as a result has turned into a total hag, chewing people out during production meetings, yelling at catering staff for daring to bring food near her, and getting into a little shoving match with her own publicist, who has the unfortunate position of having to attend to her as she ramps up promotion, over scheduling.

On the plus side, she is indeed growing ever slimmer. But the thinness is now accompanied by a telltale glassy look in her eyes which isn’t entirely unfamiliar. Being skinny can make you dependent and cranky and weak…

Which is why she hasn’t been able to finish a day’s work all week, always begging off early, complaining of the flu, or a migraine...and now the project is behind schedule, her agent has been called, and a talking-to is in the works. Career not in jeopardy… yet. But probably soon if she doesn’t start eating.

I loved your comment about Leo becoming a real man and his love for Gisele. Wow. It seemed like they really were so much in love. But, If they were so in love, why did Gisele dump him? What are your comments on the break-up? I would love to hear them! I personally think that she cheated on him. She has even been seen with surfer Kelly Slater. It is so obvious that they are together! Gisele is a spoiled you-know-what! I feel sorry for Leo, don't you?

Dear Roxanne,

Not at all. He had the hottest woman in the world at his beck and call for 3 years and he still couldn't nail that down. What does that tell you in your heart of hearts? Besides, I'd take a tanned surfer dude over a boyman pipsqueak any day. Seriously…does his voice turn you off or what? Between Leo and Justin Timberlake, I can't decide which one has their balls caught in a tighter sling.

Breaking exclusive! Just heard from a source that LA is buzzing tonight about a possible Leo D and Jessica Simpson hook up. Rumour has it they are scheduled to show up TOGETHER at two Hollywood hotspots Memphis and Aqua. It could be total bullsh*t or it could be a huge publicity scam, considering they both need PR massages these days. She for obvious reasons, he for less obvious but sort of obvious reasons. Have to tell you though, I’m a bit surprised… especially since she’s not his usual brand of cooch. Normally I would hold on this until I can get my hands on more solid eye witness confirmation but it’s just too juicy to sit on! I’ll keep you posted on how this plays out. But if this thing explodes, remember where you heard it first, ok?

Which emerging starlet working on a high profile project supposedly did something to her face, particularly her lips, that didn’t go over so well with her directors and producers? This, combined with her sh*tty attitude, has led to a temporary dismissal. She’s been told to get off the set for a week and straighten herself out…and to hopefully come back with her features restored. If it’s possible, that is.

Worse still – a few of her scenes have now been rewritten for her female co-star. So she’s losing respect AND air time. It’s the air time that hurts the most.

First up – I’m sorry. I realize gloating isn’t gracious, nor is it particularly appealing. But as I’ve said before, gossip is a cutthroat bitch, and I’m busting my ass to make this a daily column. So if you like what you’re reading and you want more of it, please understand that gloating is one of the quickest ways to get the word out there. And if you would be so kind as to continue spreading that word for me, I would so totally appreciate it. But, if you really can’t deal with my gloating, you might want to skip to the next couple of articles. Because I am going to gloat. And I am going to gloat hard.

On January 15th, in the Last Word section, I put out a heads up about my appearance the following day on eTalk Daily, indicating that I would be dishing on Hayden Christensen and Rachel & Ryan. You can see the clip if you visit the eTalk website and click on the “Gossip” or 'Top Story' link. Look for the segment that is described as “Lainey talks about Angelina revealing her pregnancy to the world and what it means for the new golden couple”. This originally aired in Canada on January 16th and it was replayed on eTalk today with date stamp to further drive the point home.

During this appearance, I reported EXCLUSIVELY that Hayden Christensen and that skank ass Sienna Miller were hooking up on the set of their new movie Factory Girl and that Jude Law was not happy about it and was threatening to break things off.

Lo and behold, 4 days later, the king of gossip himself, Ted Casablanca, wrote about the Hayden/Sienna romance and then 3 days after that, this week in fact, everyone across the web started buzzing about their rumoured fling, complete with photographs of the two partying at some karaoke bar. See attached from Just Jared.

Now y’all know I love Ted and y’all know I worship his sequined ass but I’m claiming this one for my own. Because I think we can all agree that FOUR DAYS is an eternity in smut. Big juicy kisses to all my wonderful sources for always making me look good! And an equally big JUMP UP MY CHINESE ASS to the few hatemongers who love to bombard my inbox with accusations that I make up my sh*t. Said it before and I’ll say it again – I don’t deal in amateur gossip. So if you want to piddle around in diapers, be my guest. But the minute you’re ready to graduate to a Ph.D. level eduation in celebrity entertainment, I’m happy to hold your hand and walk you through the process. Until then, do me a favour and go back to your mickey mouse boardrooms.