Wednesday, March 14, 2012

My idea of balance is like.... eat broccoli all week, or live on cheese plates and whiskey. ALSO TITLED: The blog about Self Awareness.

"Something hit me in the stomach today; he could, can, will move on and be with someone else eventually. Then, I got really sick. So there's that. It's distant enough at this point that I recognize that statement as a reality. And... my ego doesn't like the idea of him getting to move on before me......wow, that was honest."

I typed these words to a dear friend yesterday. And while I don't generally lack the ability to be forthcoming, I momentarily, somewhat unknowingly, admitted a subconscious fear.

The way friends always seem to know how, she said the thing that is a truth but one I hadn't quite pinpointed.

"I appreciate your self awareness."

I appreciate your self awareness.The words turned around in my mind. Somersaults. Up and over.

The thing is, are any of our fears really subconscious? Or are we blindly turning our head towards a different view, because we just aren't ready..... there's a difference between being unaware and between being unprepared to handle a truth.

Often, the moments we have an "AHA!" we're really just finding the lock that fits the key, we knew there was a key. We knew there was a lock. They just existed in different places in our lives. Whatever was behind the door was maybe, something we weren't prepared to handle. Something we weren't ready to accept into our lives... to let assist in our evolution of spirit, self, movement.

The answer doesn't always present itself in one conspicuous gesture. The answer is a riddle.

The answer is a journey, that involves a lot of mini-answers along the way. Yes, no. Mhm-yeah-baby-more-please and hell-to-the-never-ever-fuck-that-shit.

EVERYTHING we are doing is honing our self awareness. Polishing it, so the "Yes" feels more effortless and the "No," is less frequent- there's less to say No to, when we start dancing with the things that we know are parallel with our Yes.

I'm a big believer in making friends with your fears. Letting them live on the surface so you can become familiar with the things that feed their hungers in a positive way and that feed them in a negative way. A precautionary step to avoid any sneak attacks, if you will. "Why hello little fear, you little punk, stop ruining my day- shall we have a cookie and hash it out?" That's more my approach.

::disclaimer, hippie shit is about to happen:: Click to Pinterest, Facebook, etc. now if you aren't down. Ok. Back::

The other day while I was on my yoga mat, surrendered, my thumbs at my Third Eye a voice said, "Hey.... I'm always here. You just have to ask me to wake up." What parts of yourself need to wake up.... it's already there. We may not hibernate, but parts of our spirit do if we don't urge them to stay awake.

I am intimately aware that:

My idea of nurturing myself is often counter intuitive. Sometimes, the things I do to "nurture" myself, are things that feed the wrong beast. I am aware that, while I may resist certain cravings, they are almost always right and if I ignore them, it only perpetuates their eagerness and deprivation. I am aware that truth rises to the surface, always.

I am aware that my idea of "being an adult," is skewed. I am aware that I will never, probably ever, be comfortable with making plans two weeks in advance and not being tempted to break them. Or, having to answer to authority. Or remember which bills I paid on time. Or having a well balanced fridge. Lucky Charms? Modelo? Broccoli? Marinara? Almond butter? Done. I am aware that I will have to work around my "imperfections," but that it also makes me keen on improvising and that, just like Truth I rise under pressure.

I am aware that I could use some work in the laundry department. That my friends are better at sending gift baskets than I'll ever be. That I go cross eyed when you talk about numbers and that I fear my relationship with money is a long road.... but one I don't want to admit, out of fear that it will keep me from embracing it. I am aware that at the core of everything, I'm actually a performer. That I'm happiest on stage. Or in front of a camera. Or a microphone. That I'm afraid I'll be chained to a chair forever and ever while my Gypsy implodes. I'm aware that I am fearful of imploding.

That I kind of have a temper. That I'm terrible at not getting my way. (that I usually find a way to get ' my way' and that, that particular conquest drives to the edge of insanity.)

That my two things are; love and significance. That when I'm in love my need to feel "significant" lessens, to the point of extinction. That there's a reason one was taken from me. That these two things need to find a way to live beside one another, eventually. I am aware that I like to fucking GO THERE, let's get our hands dirty. Bullshit meter, on high.

That sometimes self awareness is a rabbit hole. Which makes me weirdly insecure. That I want to lift people's consciousness, but that starts with lifting my own first. Through art. Through words. Through action.

15 comments:

I am aware that I am CRAP at sending thankyou notes to people. It makes me SO ashamed but it's only Snail Mail I have beef with. My appreciation of people's gifts or attendance at my events is no less.

I am aware that I get really sensitive with the whole abandonment issue thing. If I feel rejected or left out or completely forgotten, I melt down a little. I know it traces back to my adoption and I am aware of it, but I still struggle with it.

I am aware that I am baby obsessed since I had my own first baby four months ago. I am working on becoming a bit more well rounded as a person again.

Self-awareness is a huge thing! You're really making me think right now, which is awesome. You may have inspired my own self-awareness blog.

I love coming to your blog, Chels... You always have the most honest insight that also is insanely entertaining. Must add you to my addictions list (why you're not there already, I'm kicking myself for).

I am aware that I am awful at returning things to people. While I may not like it, I understand why people probably will NEVER let me borrow things EVER AGAIN. While I would like to borrow at book or CD, I'll just come straight out and tell you 'Don't let me borrow that, you'll probably never get it back. I'll just go buy it, it instead.'

I am aware that I am not living MY life. I am aware that it takes me a while to get things done, though I am trying very hard to work on that. I am aware that I am very afraid of not being wanted.

I am aware that, even after being broken up and having no contact for over a year now, I'm still hurt about what my ex did to me. It's crazy how I was before and how I am now. You'd think that it never crosses my mind. I went from being a complete wreck to being this person who gets on with her day, every day, as if I'm the happiest person in the world. Boys are the least of my troubles these days. But I still think about him. I feel like over a year is a sufficient amount of time to get over something. I'm over him. Definitely. I have no desire to be anywhere near him or have any contact with him whatsoever. That's a reality that I'm totally fine with. But I'm also aware that deep down, I'm not over how bad he hurt me and just left me without a single word. I'm aware that I'm more cold toward people than I ever was, mainly guys. I am aware that I have commitment issues now. This is something that I hate to admit, but I am also becoming aware that I kind of blame him in a way for me being the way I am now, so cold and not trusting. I shut people out and rarely share my feelings like I used to. It's ironic because I also thank him because without going through what he put me through, I wouldn't be as independent and strong willed as I am today. I do more for myself and create my own happiness, which is something I never did before because I always relied on a significant other to bring that happiness for me. I'm not a miserable person and I am definitely happy, but I can't help but think that I'm somehow damaged now, and I'm afraid that I won't get back to normal any time soon.

wow, everytime I read your posts I feel as though I am reading my journal... seriously. Especially this oneI think I have always been aware of who I was, it was just the matter of me not liking who I was, and trying to fit it and be like other people. I always felt as though I had to be a certain way to be accepted by other people because who I am was so different than other people.

Now that I have gotten older, I have accepted the quirks and habits that are me and have always been me. I have let them shine and become more comfortable just being me. :)

eesh. I find all my self aware crap on my alone runs with my favorite thought-provoking music, which is the only time i allow myself to think freely, and process my thoughts.

My recent self aware moment came in the form of realizing, I havn't been pining for exmanfriend for a year, but for what we had. I finally was able to let "him" go, and latch on to what I felt I really wanted and needed in a partner instead. and that really has made a ginormous impact in my life!!

seriouslyyy there has not been a time where i've needed to read this more!!

"That I kind of have a temper. That I'm terrible at not getting my way. (that I usually find a way to get ' my way' and that, that particular conquest drives to the edge of insanity.)"

and this... is all too true. something i just experienced last night and that may cause me to ruin a great relationship simply because when i dont get my own way i shut down and get so angry. which is the dumbest thing in the world! well thank you for this today! xo

God...I feel like I wrote this myself. Its mothers day tomorrow. I did not send a card. :( Im a terrible daughter at times...but my mum accepts me. Thats all that matters, right? Just because I am aware of it, does that make it ok? mmmm...I dunno!

Ugh this post is so incredible. I'm aware that I'm clinging to someone that might just not want to be with me anymore. But I keep clinging to it and trying to make it work because the thought of being alone here and the thought of him being happy without me or with someone else TERRIFIES me.

A common awareness among ladies, it seems. Shouldn't be the case, but it is.

I know what I'm worth, I just have trouble reminding myself of it when I lose someone.