Saturday, 9 November 2013

Middle-Class Stress

It has been a wearing week and we are all assembled in the marital bed trying to muster energy for the morning. The Vicar announces that we need to decide on our summer holiday destination so that the prospect of relaxation can coax him through the parish toil. Tiredly I set down my tea and brace myself. The Vicar likes hot sun and piazza cafes; I like cool cloud and wilderness. The 11-year-old prioritises high-street shopping; the 9-year-old adjusts his preferences to whatever will curry favour with the Vicar and me and most provoke his sister.

Me (hoping for an easy life): 'I liked Cornwall last year.'
The Vicar: 'The sea's too cold in Cornwall and it will rain all week.'
Me (still hoping for an easy life): 'You liked the gite we had in Brittany this summer.'
The 11-year-old (rearing up from beneath the duvet): 'No, New York! Why have we always got to go to the same places?'
The Vicar: 'You've been to France twice in your life. I fancy a Greek island.'
The 11-year-old: 'No, New York! We've been to a Greek island. I need to explore new nations.'
Me: 'Some children never get any further than Yarmouth! Italy's nice and that would be a 'new nation'.'
The 11-year-old: 'All these countries are in Europe. I need to explore new continents.'
The 9-year-old: 'She means she wants to explore Forever 21.'
Me: 'I was your age when I first went on a plane.'
The 11-year-old: 'That was a different era. We live in new times and I need to go to New York.'
The 9-year-old (with fawning malice): 'Let's choose a holiday that involves lots of walking.'
The 11-year-old: 'You CANNOT expect me to walk on my holiday. What have you all got against New York?'
The Vicar: 'It gets very hot in summer and is very expensive to get to. I had a good holiday once in Turkey.'
The 11-year-old. 'TURKEY! You two are, like, so OCD.'
The 9-year-old (with fawning malice): 'Let's talk about Dad's beautiful legs!'
The Vicar: 'On second thoughts, it's too exhausting thinking about holidays. I'm going to get on with my sermon.'

Where can we go on holiday that is hot, cold and full of shops and wilderness? All suggestions gratefully received.

How about Iceland. Pleasantly warm in the summer. Hot springs for those that like it hot. Miles and miles of wilderness with geysers, volcanoes and.waterfalls. Not famous for its shopping opportunities though.

I came back to see if anyone had any good suggestions for you all. My impractical contribution is Dubai, where it is hot, there would be pavement cafes of a sort and lots of cool air conditioned shopping malls. And dunes for wilderness. And an indoor snow ski slope for more cold. And not Europe. Sounds absolutely horrible.

More usefully, might you make Italy work. We had a great Easter break in Sorrento (shopping, pavement cafes) with ruins and Vesuvius (wild, cool) and swimming in the sea (wild, cool) and a trip to Naples would surely generate more shopping opportunities. But is Europe.

On balance, I suggest you announce that you are going to Milton Keynes for a holiday and list the benefits. When this is not rapturously received, you proposed wherever YOU would really like to go. Any objections, back to Milton Keynes. :)-- Petronella

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About Me

As a vicar's wife I bake cakes and memorise the parish ailments. As a mother I occasionally feed and occasionally counsel an 11-year-old son and an 13-year-old daughter. As a journalist I am a part-time staff feature writer on The Guardian and a freelancer. Tartan sofa rugs, herbaceous perennials and a nightly lager hold it all together.