PANZER DIVISION JOHN CANDY

Monday, 30 January 2012

Hey guys, just popping in to let you know I'm not actually dead. I've just been doing other things in other places, both university work, work where you actually work, and also some other things that I don't want associated with this name for artistic reasons *taps nose*. Thought I'd come back to show you this thing I made last night:

It's obviously based on 'The Forgotten Man', the latest in a long series of poorly conceived efforts by mediocre american god-botherer, right wing ideologue and (least of all) painter Jon Mcnaughton. The alterations reflect my personal viewpoint: that everyone who can achieve a position like president of the US is a blood-sucker out to exploit the common mass of humanity, some are just better at hiding it than others.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Excerpted from a conversation between me and a young lady of my recent acquaintance.

Me: What is it you do, if you don't mind me asking

Me: (is a postgrad student, studying Fine Art)

Her: Nothing so glamorous as being a student. I work overnights at a local convenience store.

Me: common drudgery!

Me: Let me transport you away from it

Her: Ha ha, very much so. I feel like a combination of things at my work, but I make a pretty good living doing it.

Me: with my magic peeeeeenis

Me: :3

/She rides on the magic penis like it's the enchanted carpet from Aladdin.

Me: Oh dear, my magical penis seems to have become stuck in your anus! What a frightful to do!

Her: I suppose the only thing to do is to push in deep then pull back..wiggle it about and see if it can come loose.

Me: That seems risky, what if it creates a pressure imbalance? We will have to make sure your other lower body cavities are properly sealed. Luckily, I happen to have this silicone device here. Observe how it is shaped similiarly to the penis of an implausibly well equipped human male? By grim biological determinism, that is also the shape of your reproductive cavity. You will have to stick this thing in as far as it will go before we even think about moving the cock stuck up your arse.

Her: Well, it's very kind of you to supply me with such a device. I would never question your authority on such manners and I am indeed quite grateful for such sound advice. Perhaps I may trouble you since you are already back there, to place this device inside of me to ensure it goes in quite deep. I should think that once it is in place, you will have to hold onto me quite tightly for purchase lest you fall over as you move your cock. I wouldn't want you to risk injury when you're only trying to help.

Me: That is very considerate of you. Let me see if it just...there we go. My goodness, it slips in quite easily. You must have an unusually elastic vagina, probably from having experienced the miracle of childbirth after a single act of monogamous sexual intercourse. The device fits all the way inside quite easily. Now, perhaps if you were to adopt a kneeling position, with your hands held out in front of you to support your weight? Then, if I feel myself slipping, in the direst of emergencies I can always grab hold of your hair to save myself. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Her: Well, I haven't given birth, but I find that I'm curiously moist. Perhaps that aided in the insertion, but yes, let me kneel so that we're closer to the ground in case one or both of us should fall over. There we are, I'm nice and balanced on my hands and knees. My hair is quite long, so if you need to grab a hold, go right ahead. Here, let me push back against you a bit then pull forward with my hips..are you feeling anything yet? You're in there nice and deep.

Me: Yes. I do rather fear that the only possible way to extricate my penis will be by allowing my erection to subside. The quickest route to this is probably to induce the condition of orgasm as quickly as possible. I know it's a little distasteful, but this is an emergency. If you're sure you're well balanced, if you could just reach round behind me, in to my own anus, and see if you can locate my prostate gland? Manual stimulation of the prostate gland combined with the stimulation of my phallus by being moved round inside your rectal cavity should be the key here, though just in case I shall be using my own hands to massage the fatty tissue accumulations on your chest, as this has been scientifically proven to increase both the rapidity and intensity of the male orgasm, and an orgasm of sufficient intensity may get us out of this predicament quite naturally, without having to wait for any softening

Her: A pity there isn't a young fellow here to assist us, but I would be delighted to help you. Let me moisten my fingers a bit as I would hate to make this unpleasant for you. I admit to being a novice in the area of prostate stimulation but I am a rapt and willing pupil. Tell me, guide me and I shall do your bidding. I'll keep the pace of my hips steady for now whilst I get my fingers moist. If you would gently rub my nipples, pinch them just a bit..that should do the trick. Here, let me push against you hard for a moment..searching..there we are, I have my index finger inside of you, do you require more fingers? I can put another in if it would help with the process.

Me: No, no, for simple prostate stimulation a single finger will suffice, and often be more dextrous, if you push in a little deeper, down a bit...yes, there we go. Perfect. That thing you can feel there is my prostate gland. Massage it gently, and perhaps pull your finger, or maybe two actually...no, three, yes, in a triangle...three fingers in and out of my anus a little, stimulating the sphincter on the out-stroke...that's the method. May I compliment you on your milk-producing organs, by the way? They are rather pleasing to the touch. I feel that I may ejaculate soon. it is possible I will lose control over my vocal utterances at this point, yes.

Me: UGH TAKE IT TAKE IT YOU SLUT

Me: *ahem* apologies for that. As you may have noticed, I have experienced an orgasm. I can now feel that my penis is sufficiently loosened to be removed from your anus without too much fuss. Since you have used your body to cause me to experience an orgasm in my body, I understand that it is appropriate etiquette to use my body to make you experience an orgasm, in your body. I was thinking of employing a method I once saw descrined in a book, where the face parts of a person are inserted in to urination and child production areas of the female and agitated in an appropriate fashion.

Her: I'm quite relieved that I was able to bring you to the desired and necessary orgasm to free your penis from the prison of my anal cavity. Your compliment on my breasts is quite appreciated and flattering. It isn't often that someone is polite and knows such etiquette, though I would be equally pleased with you laying beside me and using your fingers to mimic the motion of your penis. This way, we may continue to converse and I can be treated to the delightful cut of your glib. Words and wit arouse me almost as much as any sexual act, you understand. And I do so enjoy letting the other person see what their affect over me is. Looking into their eyes and getting lost..ah, but I am rambling now, aren't I?

Me: hmphulghumghghlaughlapghffathuaghlphthft?

/He removes his face parts from you crotchparts

Me: Sorry, I didn't hear what you said, I was too busy concentrating on using parts of my body more properly designed to signal emotional states to induce orgasm through the stimulation of the external parts of your urino-genital organs.

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Let's play a little word game! I call it "We're in Very Serious Trouble". It's really simple to play. Here's what you do:

1: Take a headline from the Daily Express about muslims or islamists.
2: Replace the words 'muslim' with the word 'jew' and the word 'islamist' with the word 'zionist'.
3: Where have I seen this before?

You can do this for hours. Of course, the subtler stuff is more insidious. The Daily Mail, for example, is never quite as blunt with the headlines, but it had five seperate articles about the number of muslims overtaking the number of catholics, and still more about a report suggesting practicing muslims might outnumber practicing christians by 2035. Why is that newsworthy.

I think islam is as bad (or good, depending on how you look at it) as any other religion. 9 times out of 10, anti-islamic sentiment isn't anything about religion though. It's about race. Right wing new sources across Europe are trying to promote fear of an exoticised alien other as a way to sell their newspapers. I know far too many otherwise sensible people who fall for this bullshit. "It's not racism..." they say. That's the point of our little word-game above. You can do it with other words too. Try swapping "immigrant" for "black", "yob" for "untermenschen", and so on. It's better than the crossword.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Well, my BA is finally over, and my MA application is being scrutinised. I should get around to posting up the other part of my final piece, but in good time eh? I don't think anyone hangs on this blog with bated breath*...though truth be told I should do a lot more with it now I'm an accredited professional. Oh me!

One thing I haven't been is being lazy, it's just the various things I've been doing aren't really displayable on this blog for a number of reasons. First, I have begun writing an irregular column on B-movies called 'Your World Will Hate This' over at a site set up by some internet friends of mine, called Pocket Jury. There's not much up there at the moment, but it's far from professional. Keep on the look-out also for some illustrations I've done for an as-yet unpublished series of film reviews someone else is doing. They're pretty good, but I won't post them here because they're commissions and it ain't my place, unless he abandons the columns, in which case screw him!

Most of the stuff I'm working at at the moment is writing actually, or ideas for writing. I've been fiddling with a few poems and a short story, which might be posted here. Other stuff is long-form and not even really for general public consumption. One project, which I've been working on for about a year now and may have mentioned here before, is a document describing a science-fiction future history I've been working on, mostly in my head, since I was a kid. This now runs to about 50,000 words, over 120 pages, with numerous illustrations. I am not sure what I eventually want to do with it, whether I want to use it as the basis for some fiction or a comic or a shared world-building thing or what. It'll come I think. I've also started sketching and plotting out an idea I have for a graphic novel, which might go somewhere or nowhere. Finally, I'm working on a pen and paper RPG ruleset, with a unique twist that I don't want to reveal at this stage in case I decide to actually do something with it. It might be interesting though! Let's see if I can finish anything!

Another thing I've been doing is tidying my room. This is a literally Herculean task. To provide some content, I have itemised the contents of one of my desk drawers, as I found its variety and inexplicability amusing. This is also related to something that I've been thinking about quite a bit in terms of self-portraits and other things through text without using traditional prose. What would Sherlock Holmes have induced from this lot?

I wrote a 7000 word essay about the thoughts behind the meaning of the piece which would probably be too boring to repeat here. In one word, it's about communication. Materially this was a big leap for me; the 'tablet' itself is made entirely from MDF with very minimal timber supports inside. The surface was created using layers of paint, some contaminated, and applying wear marks directly with a variety of tools (linocutters, hammers, chisels etc.). There are about siz coats of paint on there; one white undercoat and one lighter coat on the top dry-brushed, plus several coats of different dirt mixtures made from soil, pva glue and flour. It took a lot of soul searching to begin distressing the glicee prints (it was like fucking burning money) but after one went on a bit weird when it was wheat pasted, and I started being deliberate, I really got into it.

The titles of the prints seperately are:Top 50 List of Lists (already posted here in an earlier form)There's No ArtCitalopramThe Map is Not the TerritoryFirst PrinciplesMy Sexual FantasiesThe Lack of MeaningCan We Say for Certain?

I may post clean digital versions, and some other digital things I've been working on, later. I will also post the other piece I have in the exhibition.

This piece will be exhibited in the show 'STEM' at the Arts University College at Bournemouth, from the 24th to the 30th of June, and at the show 'Brink', The Free-Range Gallery, Brick Lane, London from the 7th to the 11th of July, this year.

Monday, 9 May 2011

I'm posting this here because the university email system is broken and I need to get it somewhere! I suppose it's mildly interesting and appropriate as well. The artist's statement is obviously the bit in italics:

As an artist, I am concerned with the imperfections of communication and reproduction. No form of communication provides perfect transmission of information; the codes, languages and structures we use are maps of the world, not the world itself. My work employs processes of appropriation, reproduction and representation to explore the gaps in meaning and understanding between different methods of communication. The art is situated in the uneasy spaces between the text and the font, the image and the mark, the words and the pictures; distorted by the cumulative entropy of reproduction that can never be perfect.