Archive for July, 2009

Returning from an overseas trip yesterday, President Obama returned to the White House last night to find the front door stuck and unable to open. While he and his driver forced open the door, an alert neighbor reported what appeared to be a break-in at the presidential mansion. Arriving at the scene moments later, police asked Obama to step outside. When Obama refused, asking, “Why, because I’m a black man in the White House?”, officers arrested the president for disorderly conduct. Charges against Obama were dropped this morning when papers were produced proving Obama to be a rightful occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, and Obama and Washington D.C. police have issued a joint press release calling the incident “unfortunate and regrettable.”

A 29-year-old Poughkeepsie, NY, woman named Deborah Zingler went to her doctor on Friday after weeks of experiencing sudden weight gain, vomiting, and a large tumor-like growth in her stomach area. Experts technicians used a rare medical device called a sonograph, to “see” inside Zingler’s abnomal growth using sound waves. But nothing they’d seen before could prepare them for their amazing discovery. Inside Zingler’s midsection, doctors found she was growing a second human brain. It is unclear whether Zingler will eventually be able to think with this second brain, or whether the second brain will have a wholly separate and distinct personality. For the safety of the patient, doctors plan to study the development of the brain and its surrounding tissue for a few more months before removing it through an incision in the lower abdomen, or by forcing Zingler to push it out her vagina.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith met in secret last night with the gnarly old sage of Kentucky, and engaged him from dusk till dawn in a contest of wisdom. The all-night competition, held high atop Mt. Ferriwip with no others there to witness, ended in a complete stalemate. And no one was the wiser.

The final four illustrated stories from the book of Revelation, reveal God’s ultimate plan for humanity in full. And what a plan it is. Sure you may have been wondering what all that crazy build-up was leading to, what with all God’s elaborate killings and tortures of the vast majority of humankind. But when you finally see that all those people who were tortured and killed on Earth are also going to be tortured in burning hot flames for ever and ever after they died horrible deaths, it all just suddenly comes together. So go now, read the final stories of Revelation and have your own A-ha! moment. Happy epiphany!