There comes a point where holding onto my fear of rejection is a little bit pointless.

TRANSCRIPT:

Panel 1:

Telephone: Hey Sarah.

Sam: (A person wearing a blue, collared shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, who is looking directly at the viewer. Eyebrows are raised, mouth is open, and one hand is holding the phone up to Sam’s ear.) Hey Mum, how’s it going?

Panel 2:

Telephone: Um, not bad. How’re things with you? Is everything good?

Sam: (A translucent person, who is facing the viewer, but looking off to the side a little. Eyebrows are raised, and pushed together slightly, mouth is open, with slightly downturned edges. One hand is holding the phone to Sam’s ear, and the other is cupping Sam’s cheek.) Well, actually, Joe started taking testosterone a month ago and is battling with the medical system, and his body, over how to feel more balanced with the hormone shift. I’m really excited for him on one hand, but on the other I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my

Panel 3:

Sam: (A translucent person, who is facing the viewer, but looking off to the side, and hunched over a little. Eyebrows are raised, and pushed together, mouth is open, with slightly downturned edges. One hand is holding the phone to Sam’s ear.) non-testosterone boy buddy. ‘Cos I’m not ready to start T, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be, and, well the truth is I’m having a bit of a shit time, so it wouldn’t really be a good idea anyway. Plus I’m kinda terrified that I’ll lose you and dad if I tell you that your only daughter is just another son. I’ve been having panic attacks just thinking about it. I don’t know what to do.

Panel 4:

Telephone: Um, not bad. How’re things with you? Is everything good?

Sam: (A person who is facing the viewer, but looking up, with eyes full of tears. Eyebrows are raised, pushed together slightly, and mouth is open, with very downturned edges. One hand is holding the phone to Sam’s ear.) Yea mum, everything’s ok.

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Discussion (9) ¬

For me the fear or rejection is worse than being rejected! I think unknown elements in life are terrifying – having zero control is never good (particularly as I’m a control freak).

Families are unknown quantaties, but this is why we build brilliant networks of friends that become our family; they’re amazing people that know and accept us exactly as we are. And I know you have some amazing people around you there in Dunedin Sam!

Man, when I was getting married and my mum was doing her mum thing, it got all full on and we argued, and then finally I cracked and said “Mum, I just want you to love me!!!” (in those words, all teary.) It was totally pathetic, but I don’t think, until that moment, I had ever really understood just how full on the parental approval thing was. Really full on! My mum’s approval… wow. Wow.

Blergh, yes exactly!! It’s really hard work to find the balance, and to decide what’s right for you. Gooooood luck with it. It took me a couple of years to bind in front of them – but it got to a point where I couldn’t not bind, and so that meant binding in front of them.

Wow, thank you so much for this comic. It sums up the conversations I have with family and friends I am not out to. You want to let it all out and be authentic but you can’t. I hope you’re doing better now.