An engagement and a funeral

So here's the background. I have been a single mom to DD since she was born. She is now 2 1/2. Her father passed away in a car accident six months before she was born. I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of a year and a half. He loves DD just as much as I do even though he's not her father. He was a friend's cousin that I met at her DS's birthday party. I was instantly drawn in -- a single guy with no kids at a 2 year old's birthday party??

DF is Black and Catholic. My entire family is about as White and Mormon as you can possibly imagine. So I was nervous about introducing him to my family as you might expect. I wasn't sure how they would react. I didn't make a big deal about it. I just brought him over for our annual New Year's Eve party.

They got along great with him at first. DF is awesome. He has a great sense of humor and got along great with my dad when they first met.

Everything started when DF went to my father to ask his permission to marry me about four months ago. I had figured something was up because DF just shut down and started backpedaling on our relationship, seriously toning things down. He still came over and we watched movies, ate dinner, cuddled and such. But he immediately put the brakes on as soon as I took it further than just innocent kissing. I got frustrated and asked him what was wrong and he said that my father hadn't given him permission to marry me and that he suspected that my family didn't approve of our relationship. DF is HUGE on family. He said he didn't want to burn bridges and he wanted to respect my father's wishes. Of course, I immediately went over to my parents' house the next day and told them what DF had told me.

Mom's response -- "Katie, you know we love you very much and you are our only daughter. We want what's best for you. We approved of your friendship with Daniel, but we really don't approve of you dating someone outside of the Church."

I should mention that my parents haven't gone to church in nearly ten years. So that was a crock of bull.

My response -- "So what if he joined the Church? Would you give your permission then?"

Dad said no. I said so obviously it really has nothing to do about Daniel not being Mormon. He's obviously great with DD, so that's not an issue either. So I flat out told them that I didn't care if they gave their blessing or not, I'd marry him anyway if he asked me since they couldn't give me a legitimate reason WHY DF wasn't good enough for me.

My parents have watched DD while I work since she was 3 months old. I paid them $50 a week to watch her, which was more than I could really afford, but I never wanted them to say they watched her for free when they didn't want to. She is really close to them. Since DF actually proposed three months ago, he's moved in. After he moved in, I pulled DD from my parents' house and DF and I have staggered our shifts. He stays at home with her at night when I work and he works during the day while I stay home with her. I hate the fact that we hardly get to see each other because of this arrangement, but it is what it is.

Well, my great-grandpa passed away this past week and his funeral was this morning. Both DF and I went because I was really close to my great-grandpa. We brought DD.

I hadn't spoken to my family since the whole fiasco with the engagement went down. My older half-brother and younger brother were both there. My YB gets along great with DF. OB not so much.

So, not only was the flower arrangement that DF and I sent not there, but DD and I were excluded from the "survivors list." My mom got up there and talked about how much she loved her grandpa and how her two sons and grandson would miss him terribly. It's like DD and I didn't even count. I found our flower arrangement in the snack room area and there were no pictures of me or DD with her great-great-grandpa on the pictures by the casket.

What pisses me off the most is that DD wouldn't be still or quiet during the funeral. Of course she wasn't going to be -- she's 2! OB's 3 year old son was being so loud that SIL had to take him out into the hallway to calm him down. DD wasn't screaming or crying or anything. She was just whispering things like "Granny, I love you" and kept trying to crawl out of my lap to walk over there to my mom, who was three rows in front of us. I did my best to keep her quiet, but she really wasn't that bad.

So at the end of the service, we all walked up to the casket and say our goodbyes and then headed out to the funeral procession. I was holding DD's hand and DF was standing next to me. DD pulls her hand out of mine and turns back around into the funeral home and runs to my mom and tries to get her attention. Mom keeps walking, ignoring her, nearly knocking her over.

At this point, DF totally loses his cool. He walks over and picks up DD and storms out to the car. While in the car, DD is SCREAMING for my mom. YB comes over and apologizes, saying he'll talk to our mom in the car, but she's probably out of it and upset because of Grandpa dying. DF blows up and tells YB that if she keeps it up, she's not going to be allowed around DD ever again.

DF stayed in the car with DD while I went to the graveside service because DD was still crying when we got to the graveyard. After it was over, I pulled my parents to the side and demanded an explanation for their behavior. Dad said that they were disappointed in my behavior because I'd run off like a lovestruck teenager to marry someone they didn't approve of and had completely disregarded any authority they had as my parents. My mother then went on to state that DF has "ruined me" and all hopes they have ever had for me to have a temple marriage are out the window. She went on to say that all DF was supposed to be was my rebound relationship after DD's dad died. I told them to stop being dramatic. I told them that I did not appreciate DD and I being excluded, the blatant disrespect they have shown DF, or the fact that she completely ignored DD.

At this point, I am so upset about the entire thing that I can't sleep. I love my family, but I can't have my daughter being treated like that. It's not fair to her. She didn't do anything wrong. I'm still not sure what caused the total 180 with their reaction to DF. He was good enough for me until he wanted to marry me. I don't get it. I feel like I haven't even been able to properly grieve the loss of my great-grandpa (who would be rolling in his grave at all of this) because my parents choice to make my engagement all about THEM.

I'm not sure how I get out of this one or even try to repair the relationships. I love my family, don't get me wrong. But OB has sided with them, YB is caught in the middle, and I'm left trying to put the pieces back together on our end. This seriously sucks.

Comments (98)

Don't see your parents anymore OP. your DD is young enough that even though she loves your parents, you can easily sidestep the issue when she asks about it. When she's old enough for you to explain she won't be as emotionally invested in seeing them.

FTR, my ILs are an interracial couple in the church. My DH is 1/2 and 1/2, my parents have never said a word about it. My sister is also dating someone of a different race. IDK if he's a member bc its none of my business. Don't let your parents hide their racism behind a religion they don't even follow. We're also in UT.

1. You involve your FOO way too much in your personal life. NO ONE needs to know you're riding DH bareback, especially Mommy and Daddy.

2. They cut YOU off. They are already shunning you publicly. Even if DF becomes XDF there is no comming back from that.

3. You have just found out that the people who loved you the most are horrible hateful biggots who don't really love so much after all. You are trying to wrap your head around a completely new world view. You NEED to work it out with a therapist NOT your DF. While your head is spinning from all the hate it's trying to fathom you could puke up some random thought without REALLY thinking it through that is sublimely hurtful to DF. It would litterally be word vomit. It wouldn't MEAN anything except that you happen to be overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. But it would be out there. In between you and DF. For a long long time. Get a therapist to work through all of this.

4. Get premarital counseling. Have someone with experience help you two hammer out some guidelines for blending your family BEFORE you have kids together.

Anything else I could say has been said.
Except that I quit using commas on my phone. Get over it. It bugs me too. But not enough to fix it.

They told you they were racist assholes when they acknowledged that even him joining the church wouldn't be enough. It would be a total fail to allow your daughter around these people with, or without, your DF.

They've publicly and privately shamed you and IGNORED your DD as if she were trash. Any children you have with DF will be treated even WORSE. Total CO.

Mormon here from Midvale - and I know what you're dealing with. I married an excommunicated member and sex offender. You think your black DF went over bad with your racist parents imagine my story...

I have some advice. #1 I pity your parents. The grew up in a different generation. They have no concept that as the world gets smaller more and more interracial families are being built. It's more the norm now than ever. They are living in a vaccum and that is sad.

#2 I pitty them even more that they can't wrap their heads around the fact that there are good people out of the church - even some that will be blessed even more by having YOU in THEIR lives. It isn't about them. Stupid parents.

#3 I seriously doubt that your parents with their current attitude WILL be in heaven and allowed to keep their "eternal family" God doesn't like bigots. So no worries on your end... with their current choices it won't exist.

#4 That said... you will be judged by your choices and they by theirs. You can't control their salvation andy more than they can or should control yours. Follow gods commands the best way YOU can by yourself. Honor your parents not by obeying them but simply by accepting their choices. Pray that they won't throw their salvation away by their hatred and stupidity. Live the best life you can. Be a good peaceful wife to your DF. Raise your daughter to be a strong honest woman. Create a new loving family.

It's not easy to marry a non-member no matter the faith any more than it's easy to marry someone from a different country or generation for that matter. It's sad that your parents may have destroyed a lot of options you could have had with DF. Ridiculously sad.

The bottom line is follow your heart. Love your parents for what they have given you, and let go of them now that they are making stupid choices. It was their choice not yours. You tried. Remember that - You tried... not them.

I don't understand what your fiancées opinions have to do with how you raise your daughter religiously. It's not his kid and not his call. What he is comfortable with is completely irrelevant. If/when you have children together he has a say in how HIS children are raised. And you should have this religious thing figured out before them.