The Punch: How to Find Peace with your Child When you Want to Scream

My son hit me the other day.Yep. All 72# wound up and punched me in the stomach.

I don't even remember what he had been angry about.But I do remember the feeling of disbeliefand my breath being sucked out of me.

I remember placing my hands on his shoulders and saying "I won't let you hit me"

And I remember the look in his eyes.Fear mixed with a little defiance.He knew he was wrong.

In this moment, I had a choice(I had a choice because I've worked really hard to create that space to be responsive to his needs vs reactive to his behavior)

I could have let the anger rise upborn out of fear at the child I'm raising,the feeling of disrespectand the need to punishto “teach a lesson”hijack me in that moment.

And in that moment it probably would have felt good.I was doing something.I was addressing this behavior.

But in that anger and yelling and punishingI'd have responded to anger with angertelling him that as long as I'm bigger I can make you more unhappy(and maybe even create a little fear in him).

Some might say to hit him back.But that would have taught to react to anger and violencewith more anger and violence.

None of those would have taught himto feel his anger without acting on it(or teaching a better release valve for that anger and disappointment)

It wouldn’t have taught him about navigating relationships.He knew it was wrong.He didn’t need me punishing him (or hitting him back to tell him that)

Brain science proves it doesn’t teach himWhen stress is activated (with fear) the part of the brain that Learns and takes in the information to process And use for later is turned off.

But the traditional model of parenting doesn’t consider thisThe model that has parents judging this behaviorAnd maybe judging you for “allowing” this to happenAnd then reactingWith punishments and consequencesTo teach a lesson(a lesson your child is unable to learn in that moment).

And that stress that you feel is what takes over in those momentsCausing you to react to what is unacceptable behaviorYour fear about this child you are raisingThe disrespect at being hitTo feel better, you spill that feeling onto your childTo feel like you’re doing something.

But when you react with the punishment or consequences for this Unacceptable behaviorThat stress now rises in your childThat stress as you recall that actually impedes or even disables learning

I took that breatheI pausedI returned to my space of calmI reminded myself that this was his experienceHis anger and adding to that anger was not going to Teach him the values that I hope to instill in him

The values that guide him like a compassSo that even when I’m not around He is making choices that align with those values

In those moments, take a minute or 5Walk away if you have toCalm yourself before you react Finding that calm within youGives you the space to be wise and compassionate

To focus on teaching toward the desired future behaviorVs. making your child as unhappy as you can for a past behaviorIf he had another strategy to use in that moment he would haveIt’s up to you to teach thatAnd you can’t do that with anger and fear.

I told him that really hurtI need a momentI validated his anger and disappointmentand asked how he might let me know he was angrynext time without hitting.

We talked. About feeling angry.When it wants to overtake youthat you have control over that feelingeven when it feels like you don't.

I accepted his angerI focused on the desired future behaviorvs the one he had just used.

Teaching a child to navigate their emotionswill have a greater effect in their behaviorthat punishing the behavior which happened as an immature way to express emotion.

When a child knows you love them unconditionally Even in or maybe especially in these momentsThey are open to your guidance and wisdomBut when you rely on punishments or consequences(or even rewards but that’s another discussion)You’re creating an external authority figure Who will tell him how to behaveHe doesn’t have to know how.

These external motivators that guide actionsWhat will happen to me if I do this(or what will I get if I do this)Foster the need to please others to look for outside validation for behaviorTo choose actions based on avoiding pain or discomfort or judgement

What doesn’t happen is a child being rooted with an internal compassBuilt on values and clear expectations and loveA child that knows who he isAnd chooses actions based on those valuesEven when you’re not around.

When a parent steps into controlFocused on the behaviorIt can cripple and create a dysfunctional emotional intelligence system.The system that supports a person in connecting with anotherDespite what the circumstances might be.

But it starts with learning to navigate our own emotionsWhen parenting is actually all about the parentBecause in that moment the one thingI focused on was what is happening in my child's world right now that made him use this behavior.

That becomes possible when I did the work to know my triggersTo shift my perception of my child in these momentsTo hold the belief that I choose my reactionsand the anger I might have felt was coming from fearthat I wasn't doing my job as a parentcausing me to clamp down on the behavior.

Parenting becomes at its core about who I'm being as a parent.But when a parent is simply trying to be peaceful without doing the work first,All it feels is out of control.When you take away the one thing that was giving you a feeling of control(rewards, punishments, and consequences)And don’t replace with self awareness and mindfulnessThe powerlessness feels overwhelmingAnd you find yourself “resorting” to consequences because nothing else is working.

But every time you return to using the very thing that is causing the behaviorsand the power struggles(because when you clamp down on winning or enforcing compliance, your child will becomes just as solid in their desire for what they want and will continue to use the behaviors to be heard until the need is met)You reset the clock.

Here’s the thing…I’m not sure if the behaviors actually get bigger as your child is learning to trust this new way of parenting Or if they just feel bigger because you don’t have anything to “control” itBut without the awareness of what’s happening within youGetting to the other side and actually creating the peace in parentingFeels like an exercise in futility.

It begins with youTo allow for the freedom of connection.To be able to lean into these moments vs push away in fear with punishment.

Because no amount of parenting strategies and tools you may read from a book or learn in another course can make up for the lack of connection that happens when the experts recommendations are to control, fix and manage behavior.

It is about being a compass so that your child can navigate through lifeFirmly rooted in the values that you have sharedAnd the knowledge that you are on their sideThat you love him unconditionally, without judgement.It is about being the guide and support for you childSo that they may learn from you out of trustVs. choosing their behavior from fear.

This happens with solid values that you live into every dayWith clear expectations that your child is capable of meetingAcceptance without judgement both in your words said and not saidAnd holding the space for your child to be the best version of themselves(even in those moments when their behavior might be less than such)

If this resonates with you and you’d love to know more peaceful parenting strategies (for you and your child) I’d love to offer you my Peaceful Parenting Handbook that includes 5 strategies to de-escalate those challenging parenting moments.

Click here and drop your email address in the box then check your email for the free download and start Creating Peace in Parenting (when it’s more about feeling peaceful within and not simply trying to be peaceful on the outside)

Oh yeah, and my son…I’ve actually noticed better communication And less hitting when he gets frustrated with his brother(now if we can just work on that screaming!)

Irene is a certified parenting coach who is passionate about creating peace in parenting and opening parents hearts to what is possible in their family. She works with clients 1-1 and offers support through her digital course, The Peaceful Parent Playbook. She is host of the private Facebook Community, The Moms Hive. She is inspired to help moms let go of the doing that leads to the overwhelm and more “bee-ing” in peace, joy and a love for parenting.