Articles from September 1999

I’m staring at my laptop watching the cursor blink and i had to question myself “how many times does it blink per second? per minute? per day.” put the ben and jerrys down and slowly back away.

You see, I have a 486/66 laptop that i have lovingly restructured by hand. it runs (well it did!) winders95 and it served my purposes for when I did light travelling. and i had decided to “fix” it (for whatever reason) and i ended up toasting the drive as well as losing all information on it. did i mention that the floppy is flaky and only works half the time? did i mention there is no cd-rom. now i have a computer with no OS on it and I need to have it up and running before I move within the next two weeks.

Sometimes I hate technology. I abhor it with a passion that makes grown men crumble to their knees. I suppose i could tell you about when i first got into computers. i was 8 or 9, and i had gotten a TI 99/4A for christmas. I remember sitting there happily for hours writing BASIC to play games and then dumping it after i had finish writing it. my mother wouldn’t spend the cash for a 300baud modem and i had no tape backup. It was just me, bored out of my gourd doing BASIC all day.

Then high school came and we took a “computer literacy” class which basically had us write-up documents and I ended up playing solitaire.

In college, I remember asking a friend of mine “What’s used more so in the business development? IBM PCs or Macintosh?” She told me PCs and away i went. I took a few classes on programming (got bored) but the internet really fascinated me. I remember showing this guy in my calc class how to grab REM lyrics using gopher and Archie and the whole world just opened up.

A lot has happened to me in the last few years since that makes my head spin. Dorothy, we are not in Kansas anymore.

Many people assume, rightly, that I’ve been doing this for years. not so. i started playing, full-time, with computers in 1994 and haven’t stopped since then. It’s been a short five years from that point and i’m amazed at my knowledge that is growing and leaping.

The thing is, honestly, I wonder in a lot of ways if I am all that better for it. I’ve been thinking for the last few years this is not something i want to do. I can’t fall into the same patterns as other geeks because i don’t follow the same rituals or patterns as they do. It’s just not me. I hate star* (star wars and star trek), I don’t get into cons that much, I don’t game that much (unless it’s quake — I’ve been hungering for some quake), and I don’t code.

friday
Friday, September 17 had to go down in history as being one of the worse days in mankind. Well, at least in my personal history line.

I woke up early Friday morning to take Justin to work when I noticed something odd about my car. It didn’t look “right.” I found a note attached to what used to be my drivers side mirror. It was from Cathleen. It seems that during the night she was pulling into our driveway, tried to miss one of the cats and ran into my car instead.

All of Pleasant St. heard me screaming “FUCK!” at 5am. What a way to start the day.

This is the story she’s sticking to, but, I’ve conceded that to an extent it can’t be true. See, not only is the drivers side mirror fucked up (and hanging by a few wires) but there is also a 6 foot long scratch going from tire well to tire well. ugh.

I played show and tell all day at work with dragging people out to look at this mess. I wouldn’t have been so pissed if it were not for the fact she a. left me a note and b. i had spent nearly a grand within the last month getting my car out of impound and getting it ready for the trip in a few weeks. I forgot to mention this didn’t i? My car got impounded for being parked in a “commuter” zone on 3rd street in san francisco. I had a nice little anxiety attack at the corner of 2nd and Stillman, Justin slapped me and I was back to normal again.

The other fucked up part is that while both my roommate and I go through the same insurance company, they are notoriously slow with getting their act together. Last October I had rolled into a car while waiting at the toll booth to get onto the Bay Bridge. No biggie really, my foot slipped off the break when i had leaned down to grab my cd-holder. But the woman whom I had hit claimed that she got a neck injury! Ugh, I wasn’t going any faster than less than 1 mile per hour. You heard that right. 1 mile per hour. And she’s claiming neck injury?

Lisha twitches.

Anyway, that started off this past glorious friday. Got into work and found that we had a power outage at 6am with no UPS back up. Though power was restored fairly shortly, NIS+ had taken a dump which meant that people couldn’t get logged into the network and route. And if they were logged in, they couldn’t route. I was logged in at 6am and had gotten dumped (I was in fact, writing this column). I went to log back in and got these lovely funky errors. I tried dialing into several other providers and couldn’t route for the life of me. I figured something had gotten fucked up along the way so I did some maintenance and found that my disk had errors. No biggie. Went to reinstall Windows (which overwrote LILO) and then it started crashing back to hell and forth. I couldn’t even just BOOT into windows without getting a ton of errors.
bah.

So Friday.

Car got sideswipped.

Windows partition died (I’m now exclusively in linux or mac)

network goes down.

I’m sure I can think of a few things or ten that also went wrong. I kept claiming I was going to go home and buy a fifth of vodka (750 MIL for you non-us folks) and drink it down and fix my machine. I did neither. I haven’t even ATTEMPTED to get into windows to fix it. I should, my firewall is so airtight that I can’t even freaking do DCCs on IRC. I can’t ftp (ftpd is broked — jesus) and mah stupid fucking quickcam sucks ass in linux. *growls* However, GNOME is quite pretty. I like it much better than KDE or windowmaker. I should say, Enlightenment with Gnome on top. Whatever. It’s pretty. If you want to see my KDE desktop?

obsess
The strange man lurking on all my desktops is Paul.

You wanna see something really sick? Go here.

I had conceded in my head that I was ready to talk about this. I’m not yet. Don’t ask. I’ll tell you in a few weeks.

moving right along
I’m so fucking bored at work, it’s not even funny.

A little over a month or so ago, someone had asked me to send out an email for them to the staff mailing list. I had done these requests before. This time, the letter was not (supposedly) appropriate. Both me and the letter-writer got “in trouble”. The thing is, that they couldn’t fire me and since I’m leaving anyways, they haven’t done jack. All I do everyday (and all day) is fuck around. I try to get involved with projects but they don’t give me responsibilities because they know I’m leaving. Many people wanted to see me fired — but if they fired me they would have had to fire the letter-writer which they were not going to do.

They also gave my counterpart Matt a raise so that now I AM the lowest paid person in the company (at least in our SF office) — and I am also one of the most senior people there.

Fucked eh?

To be honest, I care and I don’t care. I haven’t give a shit about my job in a few months seeing how fucked over Matt and I were getting. We were promised raises back in April and July only to never see them follow through (well, now at least for me). I spend all day doing documentation because they want what’s in my brain but yet I didn’t “qualify” for a raise.

BAH.

I’m so stressed out these days, it’s not even funny. As my leave date approaches it seems more and more shit is being thrown in my face. Carolyn, Cathleens sister moves in (making five people living in our 2 bdr house instead of the original 2). Justin is moping around because I’m leaving, we have nine cats that Cathleen promised to take to the SPCA months ago and never did (I’m so leaving that up to her). Our house looks white trashy enough to make me gag, I’m sick of my job. I hate the area (is there any real reason why it takes me 1.5 hours to drive a 20 minute drive?) and the list goes on and on. The only bright thing is that I’m leaving, but with the added expense (car stuff + misc crap that keeps popping up), I’m finding myself frightened enough to start just freaking out.

I have no idea.

You know, I told Shelly on the phone last night that I was afraid of things working out. I have NEVER been happy — at least I know not for the last four years or more. I can’t remember when I was just freaking content with my life. Many people have said that my cross country odyssey makes them slightly jealous. you know, me doing a thelma and louise bit (minus louise, minus brad pitt, minus going off a cliff) as I will be alone for four days in my car. alone. with a carton of ciggies and 260 cd’s and a trunk full of computer equipment.

And I can’t get through peoples heads how frightened I am of packing up and just MOVING my shit cross country. I do so well with impromptu things but since this is planned and this has been dragging on for months now, the closer i get to my leave date, the more I find myself falling apart.

I’ve never ever told the story of how I came to California or why I came. I think maybe less than a 1/2 dozen people know the truth, and even then it’s hard for me to swallow. The last four years of my life have been this period i like to call the dark period because so much has happened to me in such a short amount of time it’s ridiculous. I find that, when I go to tell the story, my mouth drys up and I block out events. I knew what I was doing to get me here and I manipulated my way across the west. I can’t forgive myself for doing that but I also am having a hard time forgiving the person that I was involved with.

To many of you, my life starts when you read this and for majority of the world I’ve always lived in Oakland and I’ve always worked at slip.net. To be honest, it’s always felt like i have. Like there is no time and space before this. But there is. I’m NOT a california girl and I’m not happy here.

Justin has said he is afraid that I’m running away (again) to something that doesn’t exist. That my move to Virginia will just make things worse. I know he’s being selfish. If he could, he’d live with me forever, work at PBI and watch the Hitler, I mean History, channel is his off times. But I’m such a shell of a person I used to be — that it disgusts me. I can’t deal with it much longer.

I’ve got everything lined up in a row. Prospective boyfriend obsessing over me. New job at a kick ass company (making phat bank), new place. My own place. New things to do. Education. Everything. It’s like, God finally knocked some sense into his head and said “Yanno, Lisa has been having a rough life as of late, I think I will finally put things in perspective for her and give her what she wants” and the thing is, I’m so fucking intent on destroying it because I can’t handle being happy. But see, I can’t believe in a god or a god when I can barely have faith in myself.

I know, this much is true. There has never been a righter time in my life to move on then now. I know, that despite my grumblings, this is the best thing for me. I know that the trip will be fabulous and that I will fall in love on the way and that everything will work out for the best.

Because to be honest, I really have nothing left to lose.

Except myself.

Or maybe I’ll find myself out there in the wilds of Texas and join my mom in a convent.

As I sit here and write this, our gateway has died. And it’s almost funny because last week the big mulit-billion dollar company forgot to pay their phone bill — so we were forced to use 1010321 to dial out to make calls. Which wasn’t that big deal for me — I don’t call anyone. 🙂

Anyway, I’m bored. I can’t being to tell you how bored I am. I’m sitting here drinking Diet Mt. Dew and eating Rolos — and writing a chronicle. Wishing I would have left early — which I did not. buh.

New Nine Inch Nails cd is out called “The Fragile.” I got the mp3s yesterday from mah crack dealer, and let me tell you, “Even Deeper” and “Starfuckers, Inc.” of course own. I do, do so highly recommend picking it up.

Ask Lisha! Someone had decided that it would be a good idea if i started doing an advice column mixed in with my regular column. Which we all know, based on my very strong opinions, can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what it is. heh. So, without further ado, here is the first question I got (and a pretty simple one if I may add):

Dear Lisha,
All right, here’s a question. Where the heck do you go to meet people (Read: Women, I suppose) if you don’t drink and you work in an all-male enrollment, where everyone’s a decade older OR (at least one) standard deviation stupider?
–SabbathRM

Funny that this is the first question, as I have been giving “advice” to several friends who have been bitching and moaning about the lack of a social life in their area. Are they listening to me? Probably not 🙂 But, since I am also moving to a brand new area within a month, this is a damned fine time to put my ideas into action!

You didn’t tell me how old you were or where you lived — which can either be plus or negative points depending on how you look at it. Do keep in mind that because of this, you have to adjust this to your flavor.

1. Are you happy with yourself? This may sound like a very trite question, but it’s a very simple one. See, all too often, we as humans, often think that finding the “right” mate will cure us of our ills — when they really won’t. The first important step is to make sure that you have /some/ sense of self. This makes for a better foundation of anything that you are doing.

2. Do for you. Again, sounds trite, but it is true. When in the process of going out into the evil world, do keep it in mind that you want to make yourself happy. IE: Don’t join a club of some sort just to meet women. You’ll end up regretting it later. Draw up a list of what your interested in. Name everything and anything possible. Also list stuff that you think you might be interested in: IE: you’ve always wanted to learn how to sky dive but never had the balls to do so. maybe now is the time for you to do that.

3. With that list in mind, start thinking of ways to get going on that list. Meaning? Very simply, start looking for clubs/mailing lists/places local to you that cater to that kind of activity. For instance, I’m moving 3000 miles into a new state I’ve never stepped foot into and have no idea what the social scene is like. While my perspective roommate is also one of my best friends, our choices in activities vary greatly. With that in mind, I started making a list of stuff i was interested in and have never had a chance to get involved with. Like linux. I would love to join a LUG. I searched and found two LUGs in my new area and got signed up on the mailing lists. I’m also into astronomy, poetry/book readings, and dancing. I’ve also wanted to front a band, play at being a domme, etc etc etc. One of my plans when I get into the area is to look for activities based around those interests. I’ve also been interested in volunteering at a rape crisis center for a few years now — and plan on giving some of my time to that. This listing of activities will help me get off my supple young ass and into the world, while meeting and greeting people. I know that I’m not going to like them all, but that isn’t the point. The point being I’m not sitting at home glued to my computer.

4. Maybe your shy. Yesh, I can understand that completely. When thrown in new situations, I tend to be more of an observer than a participant. This may seem contradictory to what many people know of me (mainly those who have meet me in social functions), but my own shyness has lead me to not take advantage of the things that were offered to me in the Bay Area. I’ve never been farther south than Santa Cruz and have never done a lot of things that I want/should have done while i lived here. In a lot of ways, I regret this but that little experience also spurned me to want to do better in a different local. With that being said, do realize that you are not on any time schedule of the sort. You have to do for you — in what makes you feel better. Don’t put a time limit on yourself.

5. Put up a personals ad. Okay, stop laughing now, but I’m not kidding. One of the many things I keep hearing from all my friends is how lonely they are. Many of the whine and bitch about how men/women suck ú and how they are tired of dating and etc. See, I’ve always been /alone/ but I’ve never been lonely per se. I’ve always known how to amuse myself (as it were). And I’m picky. Really picky. When I moved to SF and my boyfriend at the time and I had broken up a few short months later, I put a personals ad in to see what the local flavors were like. I met a few people, went out on a few dates. Okay, so they were pretentious yuppie fucks that I wanted to bitchslap, but I got /out/ and /about/ and really tired to get some sort of social scene started.

The big question is always, “but i want to fall in love” or “i know what i want, but she/he seemingly doesn’t exist”. I honestly believe that there is one right person for everyone. But people do change. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago or even five years ago. When mah ex Alan and I had started dating, many of the core details in my life remain the same as they were then, but in many many ways, I’m a completely different person. So, what was right for me at 21 isn’t right for me at 27.

Age has never been a big factor in my life — at least when choosing someone I want to be with. As many people do know, there is a seven year age gap between Justin and I. This never bothered me so much as it did about his life experience vs mine. What did bother was that he was unwilling to /gain/ the life experience i thought was crucial. And then there is Paul, who is also younger than me but who has life experience to share. And Christian, who was older but had the mentality of a 2 year old (literally) and was boorish.

We all have a certain idea of what or who we want to be our life-mate with. My recommendation is get out in the social scene and date to see if what you think you want matches what you get. You may have a thing for snobby bitchy girls but find that when dating one, you can’t deal with them. It’s called trial and error. A lot of people don’t like this idea of casual dating, and I’m not saying be a slooty sloot and compromise. I am saying, do have a clear idea of what and who you want before you start looking.

I hope this helps you on your quest to find a girly girl.

If anyone has any other questions, feel free to email me with it. Next up will be “How to configure ipmasq and chains in redhat”.