Ben Carson

We’re a week and a half away from the South Carolina primary, and already the pool of candidates is shrinking, so we wanted to be sure to include this gem of a candidate while the rumors that he has dropped out are still false.

To begin, drive to the store of your choice. In deference to Dr. Carson’s upbringing in the Motor City, be discreet about the fact that you are driving a Japanese car. If you must mention it, make sure your tone is quiet, scholarly, and very, very calm.

After returning home, begin, like Dr. Carson’s first career, with a highly delicate operation:

so bake your pyramid in your regular oven. This change of baking location symbolizes that what might be good in one circumstance (for example, neurosurgery) might not be good in another (for example, the presidency of the United States).

After a bit of Devil Juice in you, you might feel like multitasking yourself, so while you are waiting for your pyramid to bake, you may find yourself dozing off to the sound of Dr. Carson’s soporific voice:

When you wake up, you may realize you’ve discovered a cure for insomnia, but to your extreme consternation, a quick Google search proves you were not the first to discover it: