20 Thoughts After Watching Colton Jump a Fence on The Bachelor

Before I rattle off these thoughts, I should reveal that I mostly had the volume turned down and I was listening to 2 Chainz’s new album so I mayyyy have missed some details.

We waited like, 2 months for this fence jump and this entire episode is just delaying the inevitable. Wrap this up, b.

Don’t let The Bachelor trick you into thinking that helicopter dates or cute or whatever. They are loud and scary as hell. I don’t trust the pilot using that little joystick controlling that ceiling fan that’s keeping us in the sky.

Tayshia spent the first 30 minutes of this episode trying to get Colton’s wee wee inside of her.

They make out in the ‘fantasy suite’ in front of no less than 4 cameras. I’m not a virgin (ladies) but even I would crawl into a ball and just want to talk about Nebraska football instead of humping for an audience of millions.

6. Tayshia had a lot of time to ice down her blue balls because Colton would spend the rest of the episode crying with Cassie.

7. So this is where not having the sound up was a problem because I was not expecting these two to be whispering at each other for 90 minutes but from what I can gather, they were on the wrong page entirely.

8. Outside of wanting to make out, these two don’t seem to have much to say to each other. Shout out to that old dude aka Mr. Steal Yo Gurl who swooped in and danced with Cassie right in Colton’s round cuck face.

9. Cuff yo chick.

10. Colton spent the day making out with Cassie which made him say that he’s in love with her because if you watch The Bachelor enough then you know that love means ‘Out of al the girls I get to freely make out with, you do that thing with your tung and holy shit. Marry me’.

11. Then he casually mentioned that Cassie’s dad did not want them together. No big deal. “I love you. Your dad wants nothing to do with me btw. Let’s make out more tho’.

14. Real quick, imagine having to go to Portugal because your horny 23 year old daughter wants you to sign-off on her taking some random asshole’s virginity live on television. Poor guy. Never have children.

15. The rest of the evening consisted of Cassie dumping Colton for what felt like forever.

16. It’s weird. So many of the women at the house told Colton that Cassie wasn’t ready to commit and here we are with Cassie not wanting to commit. Maybe don’t ‘fall in love’ with a girl exclusively because you like looking at her face. Shrug.gif.

18. This is fucking hilarious. My man got dumped and ran away. This is a 27-year old grown man. A girl said ‘no’ to him and he ran away crying. Men, including myself, are babies.

19. I hope the whole next episode is just the producers hunting him down in the woods with night vision cameras.

20. ………what’s Hannah G up to?…

Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you can’t stop watching the Colton fence jump. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.

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