I don’t know what to do…

Helping people is something I enjoy doing. It isn’t always easy, though! Sometimes people who say they want your help seem to go out of their way to do the opposite of what you tell them! Then, when that doesn’t work, they come back and ask you to help them turn things around! It can be quite frustrating.

Right now I am in this kind of situation with a friend. This is a fellow that I have known for well over 15 years now. He is in the process of moving to the Philippines. He is from another country, but he is not an American. I’ll call him Barry. Beyond that I won’t identify him. While he knows about this site, he only visits here rarely. As far as I can recall, he has never left a comment on this site, so it is quite unlikely that anybody reading this will know who Barry really is.

As I said, Barry is currently in the process of moving to the Philippines. He has been here twice in the past few months laying the groundwork for his move. Last year he sold his house in his homeland. He has some money, but is not rich. The money that he has is from the sale of his house, and he will use that money to get his new life set up. When that money is gone, he has only a small pension to live on for the rest of his days. His pension, from what he has told me, is well under $1,000 per month. He can make it on what he will have, but things will be somewhat tight. Barry has been considering this move for several years now, but it seems that his decision is now finalized, and it is only a matter of doing it at this point.

Over the years that I have known Barry, he has always been single. He has gone through a number of relationships with Filipinas and ladies from other Asian countries, nothing lasting any significant amount of time. Before I even knew him he went through a couple of marriages to women from his home country. In the past year, he has gone through relationships with three different Filipinas. He wants to get married, but it has always been a matter of finding the right lady.

A few months ago, Barry got involved in another Internet relationship with a Filipina. A month or so later he came here and met her for the first time. Everything was perfect, he said. He loved the lady. She has told him that she is actually somewhat wealthy. She pays for everything whenever they go anywhere. He is ecstatic. I am not so sure. The lady is actually married to a Filipino man, but tells Barry that they are getting an annulment soon.

The other day, I went and had a cup of coffee with Barry. He laid out all his plans for me. He told me that he and his future wife (he already proposed to the lady) are going to buy a house. They are currently in the process of finding the right place. Barry told me of several places they are considering, each of them in the P8-10 Million price range. He is looking at places where I have told him he should avoid. I also told him the other day, “Barry, you know, you cannot own property here.” “No problem,” he told me, “we will put it in her name. I will pay for it, but it will be in her name.” He just met this lady a few months ago, and only met in person last month! Now, he is going to put all of the money that he has into a house which he will not own? I’m sorry, but this is risky business.

Over the past, as Barry has told me of his plans to move to the Philippines and live here, I have told him that he should really follow this site. Barry, though, will come out and tell me straight to my face, “I don’t read your site.” Well, I don’t mind it if friends don’t read the site, but Barry then comes to me and asks for advice about living here. When I give him advice, he ignores it. Frankly, I feel like I am wasting my time giving him advice in person that is exactly what he could read here anyway. And, when he just ignores me anyway, well, that is a royal waste of my time. I don’t feel that Barry has to do everything I tell him. I have experience, though, in the matters that he will be facing soon. My advice is only my personal opinion, based on experience. Everybody is free to take it or leave it. I do worry for Barry, though. The way he is moving forward, he could be left penniless, and out on the street. If the woman decides that she wants the house, he has no recourse, because he cannot own it.

I’ve already made the decision that I am not going to give Barry further advice. I will be his friend and do things with him, but he has to make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons. If I try to push too much on things that I have already advised him, he will probably get upset and just break off our friendship anyway.

Good luck to you Barry if you happen to read this. Please don’t think that I am mad at you, or that I am being hard on you. I am only concerned because you are my friend and I care about you. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t even think about your situation.

Bob Martin is the Publisher & Editor in Chief of the Live in the Philippines Web Magazine. Bob is an Internet Entrepreneur who is based in Davao. Bob is an American who has lived permanently in Mindanao since May 2000. Here in Mindanao, Bob has resided in General Santos City, and now in Davao City. Bob is the owner of this website and many others.

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Comments

If this isn't a recipe for disaster, I don't know what one is.She is so setting him up. Going to get her marriage annulled? Really.

And, importantly, there is no reason for him to buy a house now or anytime soon. Rent is really quite reasonable, as I understand it, in the Philippines. Importantly, this keeps more of his assets liquid. How many of us have seen expats trying to selling houses that they couldn't sell (at least for what they paid)?

I would think it makes much more sense to take whatever money he has and put it into an annuity of some kind that will pay him a fixed rate each month.

Another possibility is to use it to go into busy, but there is certainly increased risk in that prospect.

some people just really have to learn the hard way. it's just sad though that while he has a good friend who's looking out for his best interest, yet he does not seem to take your advices seriously. what a shame! some people will just have to learn it from their own experience i guess.

as for you bob, you've done what you thought was best. now the ball is in his court.

Hi Bob, Sounds like this gal might be a grifter just trying to set him up. The paying for things on her part could be just get him to think she has some independent money. Also, isn't it true that an annulment comes from the church and is not really easy to acquire? I feel for your friend, I know that in coming to the Philippines we all hold on to dreams, some may be realised, some not, but to dig yourself into trouble like this doesn't seem wise, especially if your limited pension needs to be protected. People don't often listen to experienced advice though, once they set their mind to do something, so all you can do is be a friend. Nobody will be able to bail him out though, if things go south.

berry sounds to be un dicidible to me. thats to quick to let your self be in that perdicument. on the outher hand i have seen girls from the philippines fall in love to quick and come to america to only regret who they are with. its a sad thing.

Hi Bob, Kumusta ka?
It sounds like your freind Barry is enrolled at the school of hard knocks. That being said, if someone should find themselves penniless and homeless in a foriegn land, wouldn't their embassy bring them home?

Hi Tom N – I do believe that Barry's actions are a recipe for a huge disaster in his life. I hope it does not happen, but it looks so very apparent. When I recently saw Barry, I did advise him that he should consider renting for at least a couple of years before making the decision to buy, but he said it was not for him. Oh well….

Hi queeniebee – Actually, I am not talking about a Church annulment, but rather a legal annulment from the State. It can be done, but the question that I have is – will it actually happen? You are so right about people coming here with big dreams, and sometimes they are unreasonable.

Hi Hudson – OK lang ko. Ikaw? Yep, the school of hard knocks has many students! The enrollment cost there is very high too! My understanding is the the Embassy will bring you home, but you must reimburse them the cost.

Bob,
I’m a first time poster to your excellent site. This is a very tricky situation for Barry, and I can certainly understand his keenness to start a new life in the Philippines. You know what they say, Bob; “love is blind”. None of us know Barry’s girlfriend, and she may very well be a lovely person with good intentions. And to a degree, his commitment to her involves trust. Having said that, I think he should probably settle there first, and rent for a while just to get a feel for the place, and what sort of budget he feels comfortable with. Who knows, he may not like living in Davao. Also, Barry’s pension seems a bit on the light side, and the cost of owning and maintaining a large expensive house may be difficult. Anyway, that’s my two cents worth. I hope everything works out for Barry.

kamusta bob
i think barry should just rent a condo for awhile or mabe a nice house there.then if it dont work out he can have her leave without taking everything,i also have to think if this woman is wealthy then why doesent she allready have a house they can live in together?sounds really fishy to me and her allready being married.come on barry if u want to give your money away just give it to bob to help the less fortunate there in mindanao.at least it will go to good people.well bob but thats just my opinion.
salamat bob

Hi Andrew – Welcome aboard, we are all happy to have your comment, and hope that you'll be back for more. Yes, you said it all with just 3 words. Love is blind! It gets no simpler than that, and it is so true. You are right, we don't know the girlfriend, problem is that I don't think Barry does either, because he has not known her long enough. 😉 Like you, I hope everything works out for Barry.

Hi macky – I really believe that renting is the way to go. I know that I am happy that I rented when I came here. I've been here 9 years and am still renting, although I am getting close to being ready to buy or build something.

Like you say, we don't know the woman's character, and that, to me, is all the more reason to rent, until my friend has known the lady longer and can buy with more confidence.

Hi jerry – The way things are right now, this is the most serious of the situations that Barry faces. Under Philippine law, the current husband can press charges against Barry at this point, because Barry is involved with his wife. Barry could even face jail time, or serious monetary damages that must be paid to the husband if it were to be pressed.

Hi Macky, I agree that most of these decisions take common sense, but taking the description of this gal at face value, it doesn't sound good. With so many honest and genuine women that he could meet and start a relationship with, why would he get entangled and plan so quickly with this one? too much baggage…

Hi Bob,
Another worrying aspect here is Medical emergency.
At a time when he is only reliant on a small pension, how would he pay for medical treatment if he was ever hospitalized.We all know you have to pay cash upfront for treatment.We have all read the sad case of Thomas Hunt recently.

With the ammount of property investment you mention,surely, purchasing 3 condo's,renting out 2, would be a good supplement to a small pension.

you have so very strong comments bob and i agree with you 1000 percent about philippine law , but if she happens to be from too far south the situation could be whorst than that. the philippine law might be his salvation compaired to that.sorry to bring that up but we all know there are moor than one culture in the philippines.

Hi Bob – The School of Hard Knocks is now accepting applications for its Rainy Season Semester. Tuition, while considered steep by some, has really not risen in the past 50 years or so. Others may consider it a bargain at that!

Bob ….try this, print this article AND the responses and send it to Barry, He does not realize it but his life is going to be a train wreak. I cannot count how many times I have heard this scam ! His lovley filipina and her HUSBAND will have a nice place to live..as for Barry…he will be penniless and poor till the day he dies !! So sad. Your a good man for trying Bob….its gotta be tough to see this happen and not be able get him to see the 'light' !

Hi chasdv – very true. Any kind of expense that might arise could put him in the poor house. He is playing with fire. The idea of buying a few condo units and renting some out is a perfect solution for him in my book. Problem is that he and I are reading different books! 😆

Bob,
As you know, I read your site and have read every article you have written. I have read your advice and most times follow it in my life here. I have listened to others who have lived here longer than me. Some gave good advice and some have not. It is because of their lifestyle and outlook here.
I have also had many ask me for advice from my site and I have written some articles about does, don'ts, and things to look out for.
Unfortunately many are so caught up with their lady, they think all is honest and good until they are "taken to the cleaners."
We can only give advice and it is their decision to use it or not. We all learn from our mistakes, too bad here a mistake can leave you on the street or head back to their home country broke and ashamed.

I'm sorry to say this but, he's another Mr. Thomas Hunt in the making. I just don't understand why people don't protect themselves financially and emotionally. Is it really that love is blind? Or are they just not using their head?

Hi Bruce – Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I really don't mind at all if a person asks for advice and then after consideration decides to go a different direction. I mean, I'm not a God or anything, my advice is just human. But, when a person asks time and again, and ignores my advice time and again, well, the time comes when they really should not come back for more advice.

not all stories are the same. pero a good friend of myn reminded me of barry. he went there to meet a girl and he fell in love in just a short time,.he stayed there for 3 weeks with her and her uncil and her two nieces. when he went home he then bought them a new car and a new house in davao, not a problem ,,, until the next time he was going to return she told him that the uncil was realy her husband and the nieces were hed daughters. that was a very sad end . and to this day he cant even imagin why, hopfuly barry in his short time with her has a good repor. hopely better than my frend.

Bob,
I know. I had one encounter with someone I met. He did not have a lot of money. He had a young girlfriend thought she was everything in the world. He spent lots of money on her and her family.
Also how he acted in public was all wrong.
I would advise him to calm down and stop getting in every ones face. Also to watch the spending.
Well he never listened and I finally lessened my contact since when out it made me look bad too.

Bob: Sometimes you just have to put your hands up and say, "Well, I've tried." It almost sounds as if Barry had decided before he even met with you, and just was hoping you would reconfirm his thoughts. He is blinded by the infatuation a new relationship brings. There is absolutely nothing that anyone can say or do to change his mind, so he'll just have to find out the hard way. Also, if things work out, I have a suspicion, based on what you wrote, that Barry is thinking in American terms, not Filipino, and he may yet have a very difficult adjustment to living here (Especially from the insistence to buy a house. If she is on the level, renting would suffice for a while. It almost sounds like he's been asked to "prove his love" by buying her this house…) In any event, wait until the annulment is through. My advice, but if he won't take your advice, he certainly won't take mine!

Hopefully this woman is on the level, but I have a suspicion that in a year or so, Barry will be ringing you asking how to get out of a legal or financial bind that this situation will probably bring about.

Hi Bruce – I agree that in a lot of situations, the best thing you can do is to cut off ties, or at least drastically decrease ties with such people. Unfortunately, as you say, being seen with people like this tends to make people associate you with that kind of behavior too. Who wants that?

Hi JohnM – This fellow is not American, but he is thinking along the same lines, I'm afraid. He has never lived here before, and I expect that his adjustment to living here is going to be a difficult one, unfortunately.

When will these guys learn. Let here take his money and get a home in her name. Some people need to learn the hard way Bob, You can't help everyone. Apparently he know nothing on how hard it is to get a divorce in the Philippines. So many internet scams happen on a daily basis it's hard to feel sorry for people who do not take advice from people that actually live in the Philippines.

You already know the outcome of this Bob so just let it run it's course. No need to stress yourself out about it.

i have to say to all readers that what is being said in barrys case is only a small insodent , if one at all, otherwise we all wouldnt be here to give are harsh comments. because all of us have found a very good girl from thr philippines. and no my wife isnt home reading over my sholder rite now she is at work. not to say that tomorrow she mite log in to correct my spelling ,.

Hi Bob, You were asking for advice about what to do when people don't listen, and this guys sure doesn't listen. The problem is, when he is up a creek without a paddle, he will be coming to see you for help and advice. It might be well to give him one more talk about what may well happen to him, and add that if this happens, you will be limited in your ability to help him. It is possible that he figure that his good friend of 12 years, Bob, will be there for him if things go bad… You need to have a plan for Barry's impending disaster. Maybe three nights at your place and a boat ticket to Manila to visit the Embassy might be your limit. Anyway, people who ask for advise and don't take it often figure the one who is so free with advise will bail them out, since they are such a good friend.

Hi AmericanLola – I had not thought about it that Barry might think that I am his fall back plan. Hmm… that is kind of a disconcerting thought, though. Right now, I personally feel that Barry thinks that no backup is necessary because he thinks that he has died and gone to heaven and everything is going to be nothing but milk and honey from here on out. Yikes… like I say, this thought had really not occurred to me.

Hi Bob,
Just so I understand a little better, there's no divorce in the Philippines, but they can get a legal seperation? You mentioned an annulment, is that only from the church or is that a government sanctioned annulment? Are you allowed to get remarried with a legal seperation? Sorry for all the questions, but I must confess im ignorant on these matters.

Hi Queenie, I do not think that "that gal is a grifter". Certainly, way below the trickery, duplicity, shrewdness shown by the chracters of Anjelica Huston & Annette Bening.
You're giving that 'gal' too much credit. All she said was "I'd marry you as soon as I get an annulment." Is it her fault if the man bought that? She could very well promise to him that she'd marry him as soon as she fulfills her dream of landing in the moon. & since it's been possible for man to land the moon since 1969, why not? Annulment only became legal in what… 1987 and yet he believed her that it can be granted (like a divorce) all hook, line & sinker.

Sounds like your talking to a brick wall Bob, and you have done all you can do. This is a shame, and this won't be the last story we hear like this either.
Well, I hope for the best for this man, but in all of his past experiences with women, he should have learned by now. With this little nest egg of his, just rent for a year or so, if his lady doesn't like that idea, then he needs to find another one that will.
Not sure what else to tell you Bob, but I for one follow this site almost religiously, and take the advice given to much thought.
For me, I guess I have never "jumped into the water" with out knowing how to get out of it…so I always have a backup plan.
I am not a rich man either, but I also am not thinking with the wrong "head" either, I don't plan on coming to Philippines, and being stranded there, if for some reason, things don't work out for Rose and I.

Good Luck to your friend, and I hope for once, he'll read your site, and learn a very valuable lesson, before it is too late.

Hi Bob,
Sounds like an easy way for his new love and her husband to build up their property portfolio 😆
Seriously you can't help some people. A fool and his money will always be parted especially where "love" is involved.
If he is a good friend be ready to help pick up the pieces because this will end in tears. On the other hand if he is just an emotional freeloader walk away now because it could become a real drag for you Bob.
For his sake lets hope the couple are not vindictive and don't get him deported as well as gouging his savings.

Hi Roy – I just did some reading on Zsa Zsa Padilla and Dolphy. I know who they are, but you are correct that I don't really follow the showbiz scene here. Interesting. I was under the impression that an annulment was much easier to get here than that case would seem to imply. Of course, having never needed or even wanted to do that, I really am no expert on it. I was just basing my opinion on things that I have heard from others who have gone through the process.

Danny… by the way, just a quickie here. Not trying to be picky, but to help you a little bit. Regarding the Bisaya, since you addressed both Hudson and me, you would not say "Kumusta ka" because that is for addressing just one person. To ask how "we" are doing, you would say "Kumusta mo" as that is plural for two people or more (not including yourself). If you wanted to include yourself like you were addressing a group of people and wanted to say "how are we doing" including yourself, then you would say "kumusta ta?"

Like I say, not criticizing, just trying to help you along with your bisaya a bit.

Hi roy – I don't think that Barry is that much more gullible than most. To be honest, given my prominence on the web, I hear about these kind of situations several times every week. This time, though, it's a long term friend, which makes it more difficult for me.

Yes, Bob, you're right. One cannot marry even if there has been a decree of legal separation.

And if may amplify on this, marital bonds are not severed in legal separation. So what's the point of legal separation? The petitioner who sought for that wants to stay married without the obligatory legal consortium. It's like marriage w/o the demands of living together but still has all the restrictions and obligations attached to it.

Annullment granted by the church & annulment granted by the state are two diffrent things. You may get annulled by the state but may be denied by the Vatican. Both have different grounds, that's why.

Great question Bob! The answer is I have no idea. It's almost improbable that that would happen. The church has more restrictive grounds. After all, it's the Vatican that declares that your marriage was a sham. I don't exacly know the grounds of the church for annulment. Your case would embarrass them. So I would think that before they entertain your petition, your petition should include a decree of annulment granted by the country you came from. I imagine that should be a condition precedent before such petition be heard by the church.

Hi Roy – Ha ha… what about the reverse, though? State approves, but church denies? I would assume you could then remarry in a civil ceremony, but the Church would not allow a Church wedding, and may well even excommunicate you. What do you think?

Hi Roy – I was thinking that if you were originally married in the Church, then got a state annulment, but the church denied you. If you marry again, which you certainly could do legally, then in the eyes of the church you are a bigamist, because the church still recognizes your first marriage! Ha ha… of course this is off topic for this discussion, but it seems an irony, doesn't it?

Don't worry, I would never take that as criticism. But I should know that by now, but have been lazy with my teachings lately, and conversing with Rose in Bisaya lately too..we both been lazy with it…hehe…lol.
That actually was one of the first excercises I learned in "Greetings" section..
Please point out any bad grammer in bisaya I get wrong..because I do want to learn..
Bob,it is very hard to ruffle my feathers, this you will see WHEN we meet, Rose has already told me this "I have to meet this Bob Martin in person, the man who has helped my honey so much about moving to Philippines"..lol.

OMG! Barry.
I'm pinay so my advice for you friend if you ever happened to read this, pls don't rush into doing anything specially when it comes to money…… also annullment is not like divorcce that you can settle it in a short period of time it will take years not only 1 OR 2 yrs but more than that and it depends on the case , some annullment didn't approved by the court….so if you value your life and your future don't ever do that.i didn't mean that Pinays are bad but as i learned from Bob, you hardly even know this woman, you might really ended up sleeping on the street or become like Mr Hunt …..
Well Bob, i wish that Barry did heed your advise coz i don't want to read another story in the future like what happened to MR.HUNT coz i feel really sad that some of my kababayan did it to them for their own selfish personal interest…..

Hi wildcat75 – Nice to see you back again! For me, I don't blame the lady, nor do I think it is because she is a Filipina. Barry has kind of left himself wide open to be taken advantage of, no matter where the other person is from.

Hi macky – My experience, as an expat, is that I prefer to rent, because I can move around and experience life in different areas before settling into a permanent decision. Just like when I moved here, I lived in GenSan, and then decided that was not for me, and moved up the road to Davao. If I had immediately bought a house in GSC, I could not have left, at least not easily.

same here, bob. in fact, i lasted less than 2 weeks in my first apartment here before moving to a better apartment. and i still look into new places in different cities every week. did a similar thing in central california and in san francisco.

Bob,
Under PHIL. LAWS once you get married on the church, you cannot remarry again the second time around even you annulled your marriage, you can remarry again but through PASTORS …….not related to the church…..but i'm not sure if it's legal through the eyes of church probably not…. i don't know i never experience it myself though..

Bob, I read your blog everyday and haven't commented lately. Today, I can't hold back. To Barry, if you read this, I am a stranger, but I beg you to not leap so fast.

Thank God for your blog as I have been a sucker for a pretty face in times past. Was burned by a "cry for help" from MYSPACE by a Nigerian Scam that took a couple of years to recover. That's why no more social networks for me.

Last year after a 22 yr. absence I came back to the Philippines. I fell for this lovely filipina. It was her sister who informed me that my love interest was married (husband was an OFW in S. Korea, I believe), with two boys and had a boyfriend that their brother saw her with.

So many with good sound advice if Barry will read and take heed. How old is this girl? How old is Barry? Since she is wealthy, have her pay for the annulment and join him in the states first and or have her purchase the house and see how things go for at least a couple of years.

I think this girl maybe working Barry with the help of her husband. He needs to be wise and not purchase but rent then see if her attitude changes as has been said by others many times reading your blogs

What if the area becomes unsafe in the future or it may already be? Then, who will buy the place? Reminds me of a story I may have read from you a couple of years ago where a retired guy put his life savings into a home. The area became unsafe with crime, bombings and I believe kidnappings.

Fearing safety for the family, the guy moved the family but could not find anyone that could afford the home. He wound up giving it to his brother-in-law and now barely gets by.

I am sorry to say, that I don't always understand your humor, and if you can't say it here, then don't mention it please. I know this is a "free world on the internet", but I am not here for "cynical humorisms" from you, and about my relationship to Rose.
Here's some answers to your questions, have I met Rose in person..No, Have I traveled to the Philippines..NO, do I know what type of person Rose is….a big YES. Will living in the Philippines be a big culture shock for me at first…YES.
When I first met Rose online about two years ago now, we took our time getting to know each other, not saying the "L" word at all. Another thing, she has told me about her life there as well, she leads a very simple life there. She also told me, that she doesn't care where we live at, but the longer I talk to her, I realize she is a little afraid of living in America, and becoming "Americanized" woman, she has many friends and relatives here in the US and UK, and she see how they have changed, and also the children of these friends and relatives act differently there in USA, and are not so family oriented anymore.
Now, when I first got to know Rose, I contacted a friend of hers that lives here in Florida, his name is William, and he and his filipina wife Raquiel are here in USA, and now have a beautiful baby together. Now, William traveled many times to Maasin City before being able to marry Raquiel, and bring Raquiel to Florida. In the three years he was courting her, he spent many weeks traveling to Maasin City. One of the people that always went with Raquiel to Cebu to meet with William,was Rose, as a chapperone, when she was able to. William spent many a dinner at Roses house in Maasin City, with her family, and friends, and has told me exactly what kind of woman Rose is. Shes not a scammer, the womans never asked me for a dime, and only wants one thing…and that is happiness. She knows I am not a rich man, and it doesn't matter to her, so for me to come over there to live, is not going to make me a poorer person, and if for some reason I don't like it there, then my plan will be to come back to the USA…and carry on my life here…with no problems. I will not go broke over this process,if anything I will lose..is just a little time is all…but for me..in the end..it will be worth it. Whats the old saying "Nothing ventured, nothing gained"…..
But one thing I thank God for each day among other things is, is the wealth of information that comes from this site, and for the people like myself making the move to the Philippines.

Thanks,
Danny 🙂

PS. Bob, you can delete this if you like of course, if you think this is "flaming", I don't want to cause problems on here, I enjoy this site too much for that. Its just Roy always seems to have little quips to say, maybe it is just me not understanding his humor.
If you do delete this..I apologize in advance for this.

Hi Bob! The church should not, cannot look at your second marriage as "bigamous" marriage. Bigamy is a term describing a felony. It is a creation of the state. and consequently, only a court of law declares one a bigamist.

In the eyes of the church, all marriages contracted outside the church are just acts of fornication IMHO.

Sorry Danny, you're right. My humor sounded wrong. I meant to say something in Filipino, an expression which I cannot find an apt translation. BTW, I spoke tagalog in that post bec I thought you could understand it. It meant "You too."

Barry, I believe about 70 years old or so. The lady is in her mid 40's. At those ages, I personally don't find the age to really be of any concern. Remember, I said he is not in the States.. he is not American, but a foreigner from another country. I believe that Barry has a strong desire to move here and live here, and he has had those feelings for years now. The lady is just an added bonus for him.

Hi Danny – No need to delete. I think that you stated your situation well, and not in a disrespectful way. I also believe that after seeing roy's response to you, that there are no ill feelings anyway.

Hi Michelle – One thing that often bothers me is that many Filipinos that I know always feel that if one Filipino does something wrong, it reflects on every single Filipino alive. I simply don't believe that. Just because one Filipino does something wrong, it doesn't reflect a bit on the other 90 million! There are plenty of bad Americans, but I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself for what those bad apples do.

Bob, True! I'm still guilty of that sometimes. But I'm slowly learning to not apologize for the wrong doings of another Filipina, or Filipino for that matter. Maybe because when it's 'good publicity', we tend to claim the pride so when it's 'bad publicity', we can't help but take the shame.

Hi Michelle – Now, I also agree with you that Filipinos like to bask in the glory when there is something good done by a Filipino. Sometimes that bothers me a bit too! For example, when Manny Pacquiao fights and wins big like he recently did. You would think that every one of the 90 Million Filipinos was in the ring fighting against Hatton the way they talked! For me, Pacman did it, nobody else!

So, you are exactly right, I suppose that if you want the glory, you have to take the shame too! 😀 Just kidding…

Darn these filipinas and how they can corrupt you!! Just kiddin'!!!! Bob, I didn't read all the responses so I hope I'm not repeating anything here. Just like I advise my four kids now that they are out of school, I give advice, you accept or decline, either way you accept responsibility for what you do. You can lead a mule to water but you can not force him/her to drink. Not to judge someone I do not know, but sounds like he is not very mature.

You're absolutely right bob. It's going to be a nightmare waiting to happen for him. I just hope that he opens his eyes and see all the red lights staring at him before he gets into a very bad wreck.

You would think that a guy like him, who's track record shows that he's had quite a few relationships would have been careful the next time around. I can understand maybe if he was 16, but it's another thing if you're an older man.

Some people just don't never grow up. Or it must be love indeed!(i doubt it)

this is off topic, but since we are talking about bisaya grammar here, my husband wrote me a birthday card one year. At the end he signed "akong bana" (my husband) instead of "imong bana" (your husband).. i thought that was so cute though. nevertheless, i appreciated his effort.

Hello Bob,
How are you and your family?Im everyday reading all the posts and comments here at LIP.By the way, after Barry buy that house under the name of that filipina,the next is to throw him out and at that time, he will realize that he make a big mistake,,and then he will return to his country,of course he had sale already his house so he will be at the terminal or at the street and become beggar!!!So sad to think!!Bob walay pagmahay nga mag una…

Bob in all honesty I think you should not really take things so personally or get so involved. Please don't get offended but Oftentimes, at least to me you come across in a way that you think your answers or advice is gospel and get offended when others take a contrary point of view. Before I came here I bought some books from a Street Smart fellow named "Perry" and found his stuff pretty useful. A good companion to your materials. If a guy like Barry reads his stuff and yours and still makes these mistakes then he is more than a fool.

With this in mind, I would suggest you just wash your hands of this matter as Barry will not listen to you until it is too late. Let him and others make their own mistakes.

This is of course my opinion but you don't have to come to the Philippines to run into Bary's everyday of the week.

Hi Micheal – Hmm… I specifically said in the article that I didn't care if he took my advice or not. I also said that I consider my advice to be my own opinion and nothing more than that. Perhaps you didn't read my entire article, because you are saying the opposite.

My biggest problem, Michael, is that he specifically asks for my advice, and goes opposite. OK, that's fine, but no need to do it over and over again. My time is very short, I have a lot of requests to do this or that for or with people. I don't have time to give advice to somebody who over and over again does the opposite.

Hi Bob . Everyone mentioning a Mr Hunt have i missed something here. My self i think barry is thinking with his wrong head.Once a man is in love via this route it can be a waste of oxygen trying to convince him differently.

Hi michael – As I said in the article, Barry has been a friend of mine for about 15 years now, long before we ever met in the Philippines. He is a very nice guy, and a good friend. He is certainly screwed up in this one aspect of his thinking. I didn't go running after him to "help him" he came to me, and has come to me many times asking me to give him advice about his situation. As a long term friend, of course I wanted to try to help him. If it was just somebody I never knew, I'd probably blow him off if his actions were similar. But, for a long term friend, I tried to help him out. However, as I also said in the article, I have now decided to let him make his own mistakes, because it is obvious that this is what he intends to do.

Hi Frank – Nice to hear from you, my friend. Hope that all is well. Mr. Hunt was an American fellow who recently died in CdO. His Filipina wife abandoned him in the USA, and absconded with all of his money. He, I believe, could have been saved, but he had no money to pay the hospital in Cagayan de Oro, and was basically left to die. You can read about him in the LiP Forum, here.

Bob
"Friend" That is a title that we all throw at people we meet way to quickly. If you value him as a "Friend" you had better make room for him in your house if he needs it if he falls on hard times. If you give up on him maybe he isn't a friend at all perhaps just a long time "Aquantance" Just some food for thought.

It's true, Macky, moving in and renting in with this lady would be the best thing to do, and if it doesn't work out "no fault no foul".
Big permanent plans right away seem dangerous for this man's future of being able to stay in the Philippines if he wants to, or even getting back home to the states with any solvency.
In the US it's true many people do follow that idea of "home ownership" that can sometimes be overrated, but in the Philippines it's a big committment to own and I agree that renting for him would be his best bet.

Hi michael, I don't know if it's really fair to call this guy a loser. He's a friend of Bob's and for various reasons we all agree that he's probably putting himself in trouble here. The thing is that any of us at any time can do dumb things and that doesn't really make us "losers".

While I haven't read all of the comments for this post, I wanted to say that you can only help those that want to be helped. You can only recommend advice to him based on your knowledge. Also, I agree with doing as much research as possible. I have learned more than I could have imagined through this website because of what I consider is credible knowledge. I now look forward to my journey to PI this winter instead of the slight amount of anxiety that I was expecting from the culture shock.

I do find the site very useful. I am currently deployed and one of my goals is to learn more about her culture and tagalog. I call my fiancé often and tell her about all of the new things that I learned from this site; she just laughs and says that the information on this site is right. She especially laughed when I figured out that genetics are the reason she has a "tampo" on occasion.

Very interesting story. I have come to the conclusion that some people don't seek advice but actually just want confirmation that they are choosing the right path. If you offer warnings or criticism then you are considered to be not supportive. Hopefully things will work out for your friend or he will come to his senses before he gives away all of his money.

P.S Just wanted to mention that Nanay was very happy with the roses that you delivered on Mother's Day. You offer a great service that is well worth the money.

Just as an aside Danny, I don't think anybody would compare your situation to this one. I get a feeling that you have a good heart and a lot of love to give, and that you and Rose will come through this OK and have a good life together. Best wishes to you.

Hi Tom – I am very glad that Nanay was happy with the flowers! We do our best to offer the best service we possibly can. Sometimes we make mistakes, all of us are human, but we do our very best to keep mistakes to the minimum. I do appreciate your feedback.

I think it is possible that you are correct… Maybe Barry asks for advice not really wanting advice but rather expecting confirmation instead.

Bob, I agree with almost all the comments made. Your friend is being set-up and that is from a person who has been here 15 years and seen it all.

Bob, you are in a tough situation and it is a situation that is not winnable.

If I was in your place and it was my friend of 15 years, I would have a "heart-to-heart talk with him and tell him your whole, truthful thoughts. I would tell him that he can not take you along for this "ride." Tell him that you have to separate yourself from him as you can not be involved in a situation that is going to destroy him.

If he remains "hard-headed" then you you must divorce yourself from him physically and mentally. Bob, you know that in the end you can not remain a friend to him when he is in a total self-destruct mode. He will destroy you…at least mentally.
Just my opinion.

Hi Bob, first time poster here. What a tough dilemma you're stuck in. Your buddy definitely seems determined to venture down a risky path. If he was a young guy, one could possibly chalk it up as a soon-to-be valuable lesson in life. However, at 70 yrs. old, such bad decisions are not easy to recover from…if at all. Since he seems unyielding and stubborn in his romantic endeavors, perhaps you'd have better luck selling him an insurance policy of sorts. After he sells his home, encourage him to stash some money in a bank. It doesn't need to be attributed to the Filipina; rather, more-or-less, to Murphy's Law. Everyone should have an emergency fund.

The benefits of doing this are two-fold: one, if things unfold the way most envision here, he will at least have a financial parachute to break his fall. Second, knowing your friend has a back-up plan might ease your mind some. Also, it eliminates any potential burden he may present a few months from now.

I too like Janet's comment don't understand what you meant by "through PASTORS … not related to church". Are marriages performed by Pastors, Reverend, Vicar of other faith than the Catholic church not legal just because they are not Catholics?
I think you need to clarify what you mean.

Your not sure about this lady? I am sure, he will loose everything. A woman that will cheat with you, will cheat on you. PERIOD. She may believe everything she says, it might be a total scam, who knows. What I do know is that it will end very badly.

We guys are bad about thinking it will be different with us, I'm better than that other man. You're friend sound desperate and women will pick up on that in a heartbeat. Once they do, they tend too reject the guy or take him for a very unpleasant ride.

Advice is just that though. Something to be considered, reject, follow or partially follow.

I would just confront him telling him you ask for my advice but you never follow it you will loose everything and then where will you be? Ask him just to wait until the annulment is final and they are married before buying just to do that one thing for you. Tell him if you dont at least take that advice never ever ask you again but you will always be be friend and never to ask for your help financially if he looses everything.

Sir BoB, no doubt you did your bit and now events will follow their intended course. My I suggest you get the spare room ready for your mate until he can get a plane back to wherever lol.
I agree with everyone, it has all been said.
Hey Roy, good to see your in fine form. Good to know she is on the ball.
Don't know what it is about you Danny but I see you like I was. I always had an escape route ready ( plan B ). Hell, if things didn't work out like I planned it was like a long cheap holiday, I spent more money in Europe in 6 months than 4 years in the Pines lol.

barry needs to slow down , buying a house for 8-10 million peso is ridiculous!!! rent for a year dont get married live with that woman see how it works out ,check out what the philippines has to offer first why be in a hurry maybe he wont like it in P.I ONCE he lives there. he doesnt need that woman there are so many woman to meet and find out which ones for him why would he want a married woman !i know of alot of filipinas who divorce there husbands in name only and marry foriegners and drain them dry of there money while still having a relationship with there ex husbands ! he should drop that woman and move into an apartment and invest the bulk of the equity into some safe investment. or if he wants to own his own place get a condo because foreigners are allowed to own that !

MindanaoBob,I feel bad for your friend.I am a Filipino and been working as a Missionary and a Humanitarian(full time volunteer non- profitable work)I seen many things like that people don't want to listen and end up in a big mess.I will pray for your friend Barry I hope he will have wisdom and discernment.I my self had witness a situation like that but it happened to a female missionary friend of mine.same thing she loved these guy and they want to settle down, off course she cannot buy a property cause she is a foreigner so she name the house to the guy and I already knew that the guy is just using her, my friends tried to tell her that but she just wont listen maybe because her love for the guy had polluted or influenced her logic,so in the end the guy took everything and left with another girl..sad but many people want to learn the hard way…I admire your concern for your friend..hope I have a friend like you..God bless

Hi acenhon – Thanks for your comment, I appreciate your concern for Barry. I am concerned about him too, and he seems to be set on the same course still. Good luck with your missionary and humanitarian works.

u have one silly man here mate if he canot help him self how can some one like u help him if he fulls on his face too bad mate u did all u can to try and help him but he did not take that help let it be and let him find out the hard way may……….peter martin tassie

lol bob i have one thing to say to this fool take him out side and give him a good kick in the bum till he wakes up to him self this man dont need ur help for he canot help him self mate there is not hope for him ppl like this make me sad and u are right if u get a home in the phill it will be in ur wifes name just like my home there mate but ulike this man we havve been married now for years and been as one for 9 years all up mate and we know what we are doing now stop take a look at ur self mate be for u make a fool out off ur self if u do dont come back and say i did tell u so ok help ur self and stop being a fool…………peter martin tassie

Hi Bob and Feyma and Family hope you are all well,
just one comment Bob for your good friend Barry,

SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I read on your site there are laws
about relationships there, hope the lady quickly gets her marriage sorted, is it true that divorce is not recognised there so how does that work Bob??? How can she marry Barry if she is still married, if they do not recognise divorce in that country??