Saturday, April 24, 2004

My Axis of Evil: Hyper-Consumerism, the California Bar Exam, and Cheesy Pop Music

My First Post! So C. finally did it ~ has turned this confused neophyte into a near-webbie ~ he "gently suggested I take my rants and raves to the web" ~ maybe to deflect some of the hot air I direct his way?

OK, so, this is my first-ever blog-post ~ I know, I know ~ it's 2004 dammit, where have I been; under a rock? Yes, it is called law school. So, it's a beautiful day here where I live in the best darn neighborhood in the Bay Area, at Lake Merritt, as I sip on my organic, free-trade coffee which I bought at my local Trader Joe's ~ but I am about to give into the Ikea temptation today and go buy a kitchen cabinet, when I read this great article about Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping. Reverend Billy preaches about the evils of consumerism, such as what he says about Urban Outfitters:

"And if this isn't bad enough, this transnational chain is owned by a Republican who donates a lot of money to President Bush!" ....... Reverend Billy's face is flushed with righteous indignation. And perhaps because this store's security guard is standing close to the entrance, the preacher opts against entering, and continues his procession down the street to another "walk of fame" location, Bookshop Santa Cruz. "When you patronize a real community store like this one, you know where your money is going," Reverend Billy reminds everyone. "When you give your money to a transnational corporation, it becomes mysterious."

OK ~ now I just want to post my favorite creation ~ my post-California-Bar-Exam soliloquy (this is where certain friends would call me, "SOLILOQUIZER!"). I sent this to my friends after the Bar Exam in July 2003 ~ surprisingly, most of them even stayed my friends, even after this rant:
~ Subject: "The Big O"

NO -- not THAT smutty-minds!
The "BIG O" as in IT IS O-V-E-R!
I am DONE with the Bar Exam and had to come home and write about it to GET IT ALL OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

On your lunch break today, grab a soda, thank your lucky stars again that you are not me, and take 8 (ok, maybe 20) minutes to read my "Ode To The California Bar," below.

Thanks for indulging my post-partum depression need to write about this experience. I feel like I was pregnant for three years (law school) and have been in labor for three days.....
:)

DAY ONE, TUESDAY:
5 am: wake up in panic --- sit down "one last time" to "try to learn the law" by 8:45 am, the time we are supposed to be at the Convention Center for the exam. Hyperventilate; call Mommy for support -- this is how she answers the phone: "Oh, hi mija -- hey, when is that exam of yours you are supposed to take....?"
.........(prolonged silence, tear rolls down my face....more silence.....)
Those kooky Mexicans can never keep dates straight.
Hyperventilate again --- no time to cry! Must leave!

You remember when you were a kid and you got into serious trouble and your parents yelled at you to "bring me the belt so I can beat you!"--- ...... AND YOU DID IT?

Well, that's how I feel, driving myself to the Bar Exam.

So, I'm blaring "Flashdance" on the CD player -- putting on my game face, wondering if I can download "Eye of the Tiger" or the "Rocky Theme" tonight for tomorrow's drive..... I am practically playing air guitar in the car, when I look up and realized that I MISSED THE EXIT TO DOWNTOWN OAKLAND! I end up near Alameda, LOST! I start having yet another conversation with God, insisting that we really need more couples counseling if she is going to treat me like this! I try to make God jealous by pulling out my J. LO cd and blaring "Mari (oops, I mean Jenny) From the Block".

I finally stroll into the Oakland Convention Center --- only to drown in a sea of frantic, drained faces --- did I see a tear on that girl? Imagine nearly 2,000 sad, bitter law graduates, all clutching their good luck charms. I think to myself, well, I have my Good Luck Carp in my right pocket, I'm wearing my Good Luck necklace, I tucked my Good Luck chain in my left pocket, I'm wearing that pink Good Luck Indian Shawl that was blessed by Amma at the Ashram last month (don't ask), and (despite the fire hazard) I left the good luck candle burning at home. I realize that I have filled my cargo pants with good luck amulets but forgot to fill my brain with legal knowledge! DOH!

I try to shake it off, thinking to myself, "Well, I may have forgotten to study Corporations, but I really, REALLY know my Contracts, Con Law, Civ Procedure, Torts and Crim Law! Yeah!" I strike a Matrix pose and do the hand signal to the Proctors, as in "BRING IT!" I sit down, open the essay booklet.....
and Essay Question No. 1 states: " 'Corp.,' a privately-held corporation announces....."
Ohhh the pain.....gulp

"Well," I think, "at least it's not Trusts because I don't know that either....."

Turn to Essay No. 2: "...Under Trust Theories, what remedies are available to the parties?"

That's when I laugh out loud -- yep, I SCOFFED at the exam! People shoot me dirty looks -- I try to offer them ear plugs.....Doom....

DAY TWO:
I don't wake up at 5 am in a panic. In fact, I sleep in until about 6 am....lost in peaceful REM sleep (thanks to "Sound Sleep" an herbal "sleeping aid,")...my alarm goes off and I wonder to myself, "Hmmm, why am I waking up so early.....? OH THAT's RIGHT! My life sucks right now; I am taking the California Bar Exam!" I forgot about it for a minute and remembered that ignorance is Bliss.....

I say to myself to remember that Ian said I am "THE EXAMINATOR," and The Phil's words of wisdom were, "If a lawyer can do it, so can you!"

100 multiple choice questions in the morning.....by question no. 3, I say to myself, "Did I even GO to Law School? I mean, what IS all this ???" It was not until question no. 12 before I thought to myself, "YES ! Now, I KNOW I got that one right! Take THAT you mean Bar Examiners!." But, um, I only had that feeling 3, maybe 4, more times during the exam, and by question 41 I start DOZING OFF! ohhh, the pain.

Lunchtime ---- about 7 of us stagger out of the Convention Center, stricken, speechless, scared, bitter. We wander over to Golden Lotus, the all-vegetarian/vegan restaurant, and order their "Lemon Chicken" and "Noodles with Pork" (don't ask) and some soup...and about 4 or 5 iced coffees.

Then we all compare the different medications and herbal supplements coarsing through our bodies:Aleve, Ibuprofen, Wal-buprofen, Echinacea, Gingko Biloba, Rhodiola Energy, TUMS, power bars, Luna Bars, and some other "over-the-counter-meds" that will remain nameless, lest I incriminate myself. We also realize that Ibuprofen and Ginko are both blood thinners and may be dangerous to take together ......

So what, we decide! Give me 3 Ginko and 4 Ibuprofen and make sure no one gets a paper cut or they'll bleed to death! Some of us comment on the irony of never having been in a sorority or fraternity, thereby escaping "Rush" and hazing.....UNTIL NOW as we suffer the worst-kind of hazing at the hands of faceless, old, lawyer-men in suits! Alegria decides she needs a pseudonym for the slasher-novel she will write where all the Bar Examiners are mysteriously killed --- she needs a Spanish-sounding-legalesque-type name -- maybe, "Remedios Mens Rea."

We do a huddle --- Ready team? BREAK! -- back to the Exam!

We are a sad, sad lot as we slowly walk back to the Convention Center, clutching our Ziploc bags (we're not allowed to take anything into the Exam except what we can put in a Ziploc -- we decide to call them "pocketbooks" and say they are all the rage in Italy). ~~ We wonder aloud if anyone will bring pot-brownies to the final day of the exam...

After Day Two, I decide I really, REALLY should go back home and "review" (translation: LEARN THE LAW DAMMIT!). But instead, I go see an apartment for rent that I found on CraigsList the day before, fall in love with it, sign a lease, and rush home to make plans for my new home! I am so easily distracted.

I decide to perform an "Exorcism" on the BarBri study materials on my desk around 1 am. I dramatically TOSS the books into a box, wanting to have a bonfire or otherwise cathartic book-disposal experience --- but I decide to hide the box of books at the back of my closet --- um, in case I need them again for the February exam!
:)

I won't even bore you with DAY THREE except to say that I almost DID NOT GO! Alegria called and woke me up at 7:45 am, one hour before the instructions begin; I didn't get out of bed until 8 am; I took my sweet time showering and "getting pretty" in case I might be able to distract that 65-year-old Procter into letting me cheat; I left the house at 8:30 am! I turned up the music very loud to drown out the sound of my frantic heart beat; I think I burned the transmission in my car; but I strolled in right at 9:01 am, just as everyone had started the exam. People looked at me as if to say, "You are either a Genius, or you don't know any law, do you?"

I hope you all had a better three days than I did and I hope I can see you soon! I'm free, I'm free!

By the way, there were NO essay questions on Con Law, Civ Pro, Crim Law, or any of the other subjects I DID know!!!!

It takes an entire Village to get a friend through the Bar Exam ~ mad love to you,
xo
~ Mari :)

Okay, this is from one of Mari's friends who actually* took the July 2003 bar and had hoped to repress that experience forever the second she walked out the Oakland Colliseum...

I go home and open up my email (lots of Congrats and other celebratory messages)...and then I open Mari's email. I get Mari's rendition of the bar. All of a sudden I feel nauseous, dizzy, and get flashbacks from the horrid, horrid essay questions: trust remedies, corporate responsibility, professional responsibility. "Holy shit! I'm going to fail!!!" I say to myself. I get a bad case of hives. My fiance doesn't know why I've become a elective mute for three days.

And, yeah, I remained friends with Mari. That's what you call true friendship.