Saturday, October 7, 2017

They hype the King of the Ring Qualifying match between Lex Luger and Yokozuna to open the show. They recap their shitty 1993 feud, showing us just how much of a choke artist Luger is. Vince is all like “FOR THE FIRST TIME ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!” Nobody asked for it. Vince and Lawler host things.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Duane GillVince informs us that Bigelow will team with Diesel to face Sid and Tatanka at King of the Ring. That match would prove to be dire. Diesel calls in during this squash to say that he may not be 100% by the PPV but he’ll be there for Bigelow. Thank goodness Duane Gill shaved his head. His hair is atrocious here. Gill actually hits some offense to stretch this out until the Diesel conversation is over. A headbutt ends it.

Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow in 2:31This felt longer than it actually was.

Our first Waylon Mercy vignette airs. His character was so damn cool. He talks about nature. He points to a worm on his arm, saying that he doesn’t like them crawling on him. If wrestlers touch hi, they’ll get squished like the worm, which he proceeds to squash.

In some of the most 90’s moments ever, Vince gets excited about the WWF blimp. Then, the Smoking Gunns and a WWE merchandise schiller plugs the WWF mad cap game.

Kama w/ Ted Dibiase vs. David HaskinsSome fans dressed in all black hang a wreath at ringside. This was the era where they tried hard to push them as Undertaker’s “creatures of the night.” It always sounded so cheesy to me. Kama pretty much destroys this jobber and debuts a new finisher, the belly-to-belly suplex.

Winner: Kama in 2:08Short and to the point.

Kama tries to intimidate the “creatures of the night” and Ted Dibiase has to hold him back.

Todd Pettengill is here with the King of the Ring Report! I feel like I enjoy these more than most people. We hear from Sid and Ted Dibiase about the upcoming garbage main event. Jerry Lawler also brings out a hideous fake foot, saying his feet will look worse at the PPV.

Yokozuna is shown eating a giant bowl of rice to pack on the pounds. He’s up to 641, or about a hundred pounds more than he was during the original Luger/Yoko feud.

Backstage, Bob Backlund goes insane about Man Mountain Rock’s guitar. Like, he even knocks over the trash can and goes nuts. It’s kind of funny.

Tekno Team 2000 vs. John Crystal and Mike KhouryOh god, it’s time for Tekno Team 2000! They consist of Erik Watts and Chad Fortune of some WCW fame. The gimmick sucks and their in-ring work isn’t much better. The jobber team actually has matching gear, but the problem is that they’re basically wearing daisy dukes. It’s like they stole the Smoking Gunns’ attire and cut them up. Travis uses a flying cross body to win.

Winner: Tekno Team 2000 in 3:22Not an impressive debut for the new duo. I don’t believe they even last very long, rendering this pointless.

In the back, Man Mountain Rock cries over his broken guitar. He tells Bob Backlund that now, IT’S PERSONAL!

Next Monday, Sid and Tatanka face the Headshrinkers.

King of the Ring Qualifying MatchLex Luger vs. WWF Tag Team Champion Yokozuna w/ Jim Cornette and Mr. FujiLuger has a flag bearer with him and its Scotty Anton, who would go on to become Scotty Riggs in WCW shortly after this. Both guys wave their respective flags because Vince has a boner for lame patriotism pops. Luger smashes Yoko’s head into the turnbuckle a bunch of times, causing Vince to say that he may become Locozuna. What is wrong with him tonight? They do the spot from SummerSlam where Yokozuna falls outside. In this situation, a countout win works fine since there is no title at stake. Luger can’t get Yokozuna down with shoulder blocks, so he does two double axe handles and three SCREAMING CLOTHESLINES but it’s not enough. Finally, a second rope clothesline does the trick. Mr. Fuji somehow takes the American flag from weak ass Scotty Anton so Luger has to retrieve it for him. Yokozuna sneaks up, throws Luger into the post and leg drops him. Yokozuna makes it back inside, rolling and getting winded, to win via countout.

Winner: Yokozuna in 8:07My goodness, Lex Luger is the biggest choke artist in wrestling history. This was similar to their SummerSlam match as these are two guys that just really couldn’t have goo matches with each other. At least the crowd was somewhat into it. ¾*

We see Jerry Lawler walking around in horse crap so that his feet could be filthy for the King of the Ring. Then we see a recap from Superstars when Jerry Lawler beat Aldo Montoya and stuck his foot in Aldo’s mouth. Disgusting.

Overall: 2/10. Man that was a rough episode. A lot of uninteresting guys (Man Mountain Rock, Tekno Team 2000, and Kama) and the main event sucked pretty hard. I also saw too much of Lawler’s feet and heard some terrible puns throughout the show. This was a bad episode on the road to a bad PPV.

Another pre-taped episode as it’s the go-home show before King of the Ring.

The Undertaker w/ Paul Bearer vs. Mike MacReynoldsVince tells us not to adjust our sets, the screen is dark because of the Undertaker. He also says that we smell Lawler’s feet so he must think we all have some crazy technology. More “creatures of the night” in the crowd. Undertaker dominates this jabroni and wins with the Tombstone. They even give the kid the body bag treatment like its 1991.

Winner: The Undertaker in 2:23Typical Undertaker squash.

Jerry Lawler hypes the “Kiss my Foot” match before we see a recap of Bob Backlund destroying Man Mountain Rock’s guitar last week.

Adam Bomb vs. Bill PaynePayne actually attacks from behind before the bell. It doesn’t really do him any good though. Bomb tosses him around and hits the flying clothesline for the three.

Winner: Adam Bomb in 1:57Another short, basic squash.

Time for the weekly King of the Ring Report. Todd Pettengill is apparently a member of the “Bomb Squad”. Nothing new is reported though Bret and Lawler each cut a promo about their match.

The New Headshrinkers vs. Sycho Sid and Tatanka w/ Ted DibiaseJerry Lawler says that Sid and Tatanka are an unbeatable team. He does realize that Tatanka is on the team right? Anyway, the Headshrinkers went from two managers to none. Their attire is a brighter shade of blue and seems unfitting. Tatanka goes back and forth with Fatu early. He hits him in the head, which is a clear mistake against a Samoan. Fatu shows signs of Rikishi by busting out some dances. Sid tries to pull the DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER but again, they’re Samoan you dingbat. Sid does end up in control as Fatu takes the heat. Sionne gets the mild tag. The crowd sounds much louder than their quite expressions show. Sid plants Fatu with a powerbomb and then he and Tatanka murder Sionne with a double powerbomb outside. They slide him in and win.

Winners: Sycho Sid and Tatanka in 9:04Not awful but I think they should have looked more dominant. The Headshrinkers aren’t going anywhere and Sid and Tatanka are about to team up in the main event of a PPV. At least the finish was cool.*¾

Diesel and Bigelow get interviewed about the PPV main event and Diesel’s injury. Diesel does fine but Bigelow is horrendous as a face. He just talks about having heart and it’s so cheesy.

A pretty piss poor clip of Jerry Lawler at some torture museum airs. He ties it into the Hart program but it’s so bad.

Hunter-Hearst Helmsley vs. Buck QuartermaineThis is all HHH from start to finish. Not much to write about since he’s still not very interesting. He debuts the Pedigree here.

Winner: Hunter Hearst-Helmsley in 2:43Ho-hum.

Next week, Jeff Jarrett puts the Intercontinental Title on the line against Savio Vega.

Shawn Michaels vs. Gus KantarrakisYes, HBK is so over that his squash matches get to main event over the other guys on the card. His opponent is hair like that member of Los Boricuas. Shawn is very cocky while working this dude over, toying with him. He even makes the dude chase him outside before ducking all of his offense and taking a seat in the crowd. Eventually, Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music but the fans call for another, so he obliges, ending this.

Winner: Shawn Michaels in 4:21I think this wet on a bit too long but I thought it was somewhat enjoyable. Shawn was a complete dick but the people ate it up.

Kama, Shawn’s first round opponent for Sunday, tries to attack him. Shawn ducks and sends him packing. The Undertaker slowly walks out because Kama melted his urn into a chain. Kama looks trapped but out comes Mabel, who is Undertaker’s opponent for Sunday. Two of these guys are stars and the other two are far from it.

Before it ends, Lawler talks about his feet again. Good lord, this is abysmal.

Overall: 3/10. I enjoyed this episode more than the last but not by much. The marque match wasn’t awful and Shawn Michaels made for some entertaining television. Too much of Lawler and his feet. I get trying to draw heat but enough is enough.

The recap shows nothing of the atrocious King of the Ring tournament, instead focusing on how Jerry Lawler had to kiss his own feet. He is absent tonight (THANK GOD) and Shawn Michaels is replacing him to a major pop.

The Smoking Gunns vs. Jason Hart and the Black PhantomAnother Gangrel sighting! It’s here that Vince gives us the depressing news that Mabel won the King of the Ring. Doing that in already down year for business was horrifically stupid. A sidewinder ends this in quick fashion.

Winners: The Smoking Gunns in 1:42Fine for the time given.

Earlier today, Jerry Lawler has been trying to do everything to get the smell out of his mouth. He is outside the office of Dr. Isaac Yankem D.D.S. THAT’S…THAT’S GOTTA BE ISAAC!

Skip w/ Sunny vs. Scott TaylorI’m writing this right around the time of Sunny’s 2016 porn debut, which has gotten laughable reviews for being horrible. This actually is a pretty fun match. Skip was impressive and Taylor got in a few hope spots, getting a pop. Skip won with a top rope rana that probably won’t be bested by any other move on this show.

Winner: Skip in 2:03I thought this was rather fun.

Todd Pettengill brings us a post-KOTR report. He recaps the major happenings, or lack thereof, before making an announcement. The first match for In Your House 2: The Lumberjacks is set as Diesel will defend the WWF Title against Sid in, you guessed it, a lumberjack match.

Next week, Sid faces former Million Dollar Corporation member Bam Bam Bigelow.

Man Mountain Rock vs. Phil ApolloVince shouts “IF IT’S TOO LOUD, YOU’RE TOO OLD” which is funny because I can currently see Vince as the kind of guy complaining about music volume. Another short one won with the Whammy Bar submission.

Winner: Man Mountain Rock in 1:21This guy works quickly.

King Mabel w/ Sir Mo vs. Kenny KendallMabel is carried out by four jobbers. Mabel is getting a push but hasn’t improved at all. He’s died his mohawk black to really signify a heel turn. Shawn Michaels says that he was told to go the distance to win the King of the Ring and he went the distance by drawing with Kama, so he probably should read the rule book. That line, while not great, was better than the match. A belly-to-belly finishes things.

Winner: King Mabel in 2:34Yup, even if you add a crown, Mabel still sucks.

Another great Waylon Mercy vignette airs. He was so ahead of his time, it’s insane. He utters the great “lives are gonna be in Waylon Mercy’s hands” line.

WWF Intercontinental ChampionshipJeff Jarrett (c) w/ the Roadie vs. Savio VegaSavio wrestled four times last night (part of why the PPV sucked), which Shawn calls a WWF record. Not really since Savage did it at WrestleMania IV. Roadie tries to attack from behind but goes so slow to allow Savio to turn around and stop him. Jarrett still gets in some offense for a while until Savio hits a back suplex. Savio uses that Latin fire to reel off some offense. Roadie gets sent into Shawn Michaels on commentary. Michaels shoves him and this is the loudest the crowd has been all night. Jarrett comes off the apron to hit him but Michaels caches him and hammers away. Inside, Savio rolls him up but Roadie runs in and causes the disqualification.

Winner via disqualification: Savio Vega in 5:29Decent enough for what it was. This was more about trying to get the crowd behind Savio more and setting up the eventual HBK/Jarrett IC Title match. **

The heels put the boots to Savio Vega until Shawn Michaels makes the save and sends them packing. After a break, Michaels is topless and dancing atop the announce table which Vince McMahon must love. He goes for a high five but Shawn completely leaves him hanging. Jarrett and Roadie come back out and get on the microphone, but the show ends before we hear anything.

Overall: 5/10. Hell, I’m surprised but I actually rather enjoyed that episode. Yes, it had the awful King Mabel, but hear me out. Most of the squash matches were short and decent (Skip was a highlight), the main event was decent and there was a sever lack of Jerry Lawler.