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Sunday, August 5, 2012

Christian aliens kicked out of Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A

The Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A kicked out two Christian aliens who were trying support the besieged fast food chain.

“They claim to be Christians, but they are really agents of Anti-Christ.” Said Davud X of Barnard’s Star. “They need to be educated in the universal signs left by our savior, Jesus Hogat Christ!”

X and his brother, Senchu X, went to the Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A to participate in Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. Two males wore bright pink clothing, and purple triangles necklaces.

“Pink is the color of our savior’s blood!” Exclaimed Senchu. “Red from his mortal blood combined with white from his purity to make pink! It’s obvious!”

As for the triangles, Davud explained, “When our government rejected Christ, they chained him to triangular table. They fired laser beams at Him, doused His wounds in acid, water-boarded Him, poked His eyes, gave Him cancer, and Probed Him in the most undignified ways. Then when He was about to die, they put Him on Life Support, and let him suffer for seven weeks! Of all the worlds Jesus visited, He suffered the most on ours. That is why we are the most blessed!”

Disguised as unrelated human males, the two aliens walked to the Chick-fil-A and waited in the long line. According to the two, Senchu felt ill and needed fluid. Davud demanded a glass of water. Davud said the employee sighed and said that he was Biblically required to provide him water. Davud drank it to “purify the water” and gave it to his brother directly into his mouth. To an onlooker, it looked like the two were open mouth kissing. The manager then told the two to leave because they were “disgusting the guests.”

Davud then accused the manager of being a human fig. The manager threaten to call the police, and two aliens left.

“Obviously Christ’s words got lost in the translation. Sharing water is holy. Only one human could grok this!”

The two aliens, and sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs, say Mayor Roger Claar called the restaurant, and straightened things out. The brothers were then allow to order food. The two left without further incident.

The two say that they hold no ill will towards Chick-fil-A.

“Jesus forces me to forgive them.” Said Senchu.

No one from the Bolingbrook restaurant would comment. A spokesperson for the company laughed and directed this reporter to the following statement:

The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our Restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect –regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender. We will continue this tradition in the over 1,600 Restaurants run by independent Owner/Operators.

When asked to comment, Claar exclaimed, “The Bolingbrook store won’t open until September 6. Are you outsourcing your reporting too? Anyway, keep me out of this story!”

An Illinois Chick-fil-A employee, who wished to remain anonymous, doubted the alien's story and existence, but said he fully supported his employer.

“The events from last Wednesday show that thousands of people want their fast food dollars to go towards supporting traditional marriage, denying special rights to gays, and supporting Biblical punishment of homosexuality! Don't call us bigots. Call us morally minded! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to help our customers. I can feel the power of Jesus Christ flowing from them into our cash registers, and driving up our profits. If you don’t like that, then Jesus loves you!”

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