Friends, it has been awhile. You know me by now - I unexpectedly go through these bouts of time where I have to become a hermit in order to deal with life. I just have to go with it, to survive.

I found this in one of my journal pages and thought I'd share. It was what I needed to hear to get me through this icy stormy Sunday in Toronto, alone with my thoughts. So perhaps someone out there may need to hear it too.

So much love, and know that no matter what you're going through, someone out there is going through something too so you're not alone. I'm sending you all good vibes, love, and compassion in whatever this world has thrown your way. Remember: This too, shall pass.

xKat

Fields of green cover my soulEach drop of the sun awakens the spirit withinThe sounds and the sightsThe love and the prideThis ache inside burns away the past

My skin and my bones are not me.My heart pumping blood to my cells is not me.My pain is not me.My dreams are not me.

Even my mind is not me.

My mind is a cultivation of all that has happened to meBut that is not me.

These words are not me.My thoughts are not me.All the money in the world is not me.

In reading the news about all the sexual harassment and sexual abuse charges and allegations that have been coming out, I really had to sit back and reflect on how I feel about this, and actually sit in the pain and sickness and fear and sadness. These things affect me SO much because I'm so sensitive. In the past I would have stuck my head in the sand and played blissfully ignorant, but that's not who I want to be anymore. I know that underneath all this pain is the fire that drives me forward to speak out and speak up about it. Pretending it doesn't exist doesn't make it go away, and my insides scream louder and louder each time I hear about something.

I see now that I have spent a long time being a victim of the patriarchy. From the way I looked, to the way I thought and acted, though it may not have been obvious on the outside I definitely felt it on the inside. I thought my worth and my happiness was determined by only the way I looked or what I weighed or how much men wanted to sleep with me. (Cringe.)

I dreamed of being saved by man on a white horse and living happily ever after (thank you Fairy Tales), taken care of financially, and all I had to do was look pretty, be thin, do what he said, and be a "good" and "nice" person (aka subservient). I wanted to be the type of girl that would look a certain way so a handsome man would see me across the room with my perfect body, hair, makeup and glint in my perfectly lined eye (with lashes for days), I'd smile, and he would be immediately under my spell and we'd be happy forever. Where did I exist in all of this? What about my hopes and dreams and desires and sense of being alive? It's difficult to pinpoint exactly where this came from but I learned it from somewhere. I still battle the fear of making too much noise or not being "a lady" or taking up too much space but I'm working on letting that go. Like in a previous post I said - I don't want to lose myself ever again. I love myself too much for that.

It was just the way things were that I thought I was "less than" men and didn't quite deserve respect. Well, maybe only the kind of respect like them taking out the garbage or something when I demanded it, but not the kind of equal respect where I could speak freely about my wants and needs and think that they'd actually care. Not the kind of respect where they would care about my body and see it as beautiful and sacred. I felt like my body could just have been a receptacle for their pain, something they could use. And I could be out of it, floating around the ceiling somewhere, watching it all happen.

These thoughts were/are a surprise even to myself. I'd duck my head slightly and feel small when there was an older, “wiser” man in the room. I'd giggle and flirt without even realizing, thinking this would be the way to win him over. (Why did I even want to win him over??) I didn't even worry about how he was treating me, or speaking my mind, or any of the things that made me ME. In the past when men would make inappropriate comments about my body or anything, I would just giggle them off and think that's the way things are. I'd feel almost ashamed, or like I deserved it in some way, but I'd shrink down again and feel so shitty and small.

With all the people coming forward and being so brave about their experiences, the whole #metoo movement and the Silence Breakers and everything, I want to be brave too, and feel like I am ready. I’ve touched on this in the past, but I may as well say it straight: I was sexually abused as a child. It was someone I trusted. Someone that was supposed to take care of me, and who I was supposed to feel safe with. No one spoke about it, only in an off-hand way that was humour mixed with hatred, but I was never told explicitly that it was wrong. That it was a crime he got away with. I was never told it wasn't my fault. And when something happens when you're that young, I'm learning now that it really affects the way you see the world. I thought it was what I deserved because I was me. I was never able to open up about my feelings so they held me captive. I still feel like I will be judged or pitied or looked at differently for writing this. I fear that people will think I’m making it up, or make excuses, or respond in a negative way, or no respond at all, or be overly worried about me, or just feel awkward around me...the list goes on. But whatever. People are gonna do what they’re gonna do.

I grew up feeling like my body was for other people. Shaving it and pulling it in and picking at it and hating it because it wasn't what other people wanted. I had uncles or uncles friends who would make suggestive comments, let their hands or lips linger too long when they hugged me hello or goodbye, or even roam to inappropriate places but I didn't say a thing. It was just the "way things were". I even had an aunt who would touch me inappropriately and laugh, and we would all laugh because it was just “how she was”. I do remember that sick feeling in my stomach, the frozen feeling in my body, the adrenaline rushing with nowhere to escape, and all I could do was keep it inside me where it festered for years and years.

I see now how fucked up this is! I have so much anger and frustration and pain thinking about this I don't even know what to do with it sometimes. It feels like sometimes it's too hard to deal with. Like why did I think it was normal for people to take advantage? To say what they wanted and to use my body how they wanted? How did we get it twisted in our heads that because of the way we are born we somehow deserve to be not treated as equals? To only see a woman as usable body parts and not as a whole person with feelings and dreams and spirit? I know women are fucking gorgeous on the outside, but that’s just scratching the surface. Just see what happens when you get to learn what’s inside. (Hah. Don’t go there.) When you get to uncover that pearl, when you see her quirks and her story and her strength and what really makes her beautiful. Some men have learned that it’s cool or manly to treat women like objects, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. Real men are not challenged by the wealth and magic that women bring, as their full selves. Real men support women, and let women support them when they need it and talk about their feelings. That’s what takes bravery and courage, not hiding behind a so-called masculine facade and disrespecting women.

We need to wake the fuck up and question the way that we treat other people, the way we let other people treat us, how much we value ourselves. Know that the thoughts or things we may have learned are not necessarily the truth, and do our best to listen to our bodies and inner voice to give us wisdom and guidance.

If something doesn't feel good inside, DON'T do it, DON'T let it happen. What kind of person do you want be, knowing you have to live with yourself every day? Respect your body and know that you always make the right decisions for you. FUCK what anyone else says or thinks, only you know what's up. Love yourself up, feel worthy, know that your body is YOURS and only yours. I remember one day having the thought, "My Body Is Mine" after doing yoga and after some intense therapy sessions. I burst into tears for a long time and felt old ideas and thoughts fade away. It surprised me to know that I didn't feel like my body was mine for so long.

I know it's hard to question things or look back at things because it hurts like a bitch. Remember though that the pain always subsides. I learned in therapy that it reaches a point where it's unbearable and it stays there and stays there but there's a point where it can't get any worse. Eventually it's going to go down. Everything eventually passes.

I write this now from a place of still feeling a bit scared and ashamed, but also from a place of wanting to heal from this. It's caused so much self-hatred and so much pain and so much shame and now I'm seeing that I'm not the only one - others are suffering. And if this in any way can help us move forward to make this world we live in a better place, that's enough for me.

We can all heal together. Bring those shadows to the light.

I am who I am ... all of me. Messy, painful, and emotional. I'm learning to love it all.

I've spent a long time prosecuting myself for bad thoughts I have. They can make me feel like I should be locked in a cold dingy cell rocking back and forth, no contact with the outside world. They make me feel stuck, frozen, and like I don't deserve good things. They cause me anxiety and depression. They make sure that I don't love fully, myself or anyone else, and they make sure that I know I don't deserve to be loved. Because how could I be? I have these bad thoughts, so I am a dirty, stupid, bad person/asshole. And then on top of it, I’ve spent so much energy trying to be good and perfect, so I feel even worse thinking that it’s all for nothing. And then...more depression...

Somewhere along the way, though, I began to see that these thoughts weren't actually ME. Why was I judging myself based on these things? Thoughts aren't real. They only become real if you identify with them, if you believe in them, if you let them use you. And, I also began to see that as human beings, we ALL have dark thoughts, surprising fantasies, anger, revenge, envy, hatred, etc. If we keep these hidden, we feel alone, we become ashamed, and then the shame is salt in the wound. Drives us deeper into feeling unworthy, and potentially could cause us to act on the bad thoughts because we believe it's "who we are". The mind is a dangerous place, especially when left in the dark. How many times have you felt deep inside that something wasn't right, but you were able to rationalize it with your mind and thoughts and you did it anyway? How did that turn out? I'm not saying this to make you judge yourself (so please don't!) but it's more of a science experiment - discovering and observing as a way to break habits, patterns, and build awareness.

I see now that it's not the thoughts that are the problem - there HAS to be dark with the light. There HAS to be contrast and duality to make anything in this world exist. So - the fact that I do have dark or bad or scary thoughts means that I also have the opposite. And, what I believe to be the only thing that is real - LOVE - does not have an opposite. It's not created by the mind, it just IS. Like us, if we let ourselves just Be.

So I went through a huge Harry Potter obsession just a month or two ago, (and will probably do it again because HARRY POTTER!!!), and I re-read the entire series and then re-watched all the movies. All Harry, all the time. Anyway, there was this part where he was all worried about the darkness taking over him and Sirius Black said: "We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." And for some reason, in that moment, I felt something in me let go. (Yes, during a Harry Potter movie.) I saw all the dark thoughts and shameful things in my head I had been obsessing over and freaked out about and realized that they didn't matter - it was only if I acted on them that they became real. From there I realized that the thoughts had nothing to do with who I actually AM.

Our minds are like sponges - they take in anything from anywhere even unconsciously and turn up in the thoughts you think. The mind is always on, always working, and it's why it can drive us absolutely mad. The things I learned, the things I saw, what was on TV, how my family behaved around me and towards me, the way I was treated, all that stuff (some pretty shitty) that happened to me in the past contributed to my thoughts. I also saw I was being so hard on myself and judgemental when sometimes disturbing ones would come.

It's like locking a kid in a dark room alone for a year, only taking them out to treat them badly, then being angry at them after they're out for thinking that people are untrustworthy and the world is scary. I mean, that's pretty extreme - but you can see how their picture of reality would be very different than someone who was held and loved and tucked in at night and free to see the world. And, none of it is THEM - it's just a product of their experiences. (Like Eleven from Stranger Things when she got locked in Mike's closet that one time - the memories of being locked up and treated the way she was treated - I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't seen it - but why haven't you seen it?!- made her freak out.) It's easier though to be easy on someone and be tough on yourself. I know.

Life is tough enough as it is. We all have been through difficult things and experiences and none of them is better or worse than another. It's time to stop judging ourselves and other people and instead show compassion and openness about our darkness because it loses it's hold on us when we share it. I've said it before and I'll say it again - shining light on the shadows makes them smaller and smaller until they disappear. Let's forgive ourselves no matter what, because we're more than our past, more than our thoughts. They're merely distractions from being who we were born to be.

I'm not saying that I have this all together, but these are just some things I've learned along the way. I still battle with this - it's just a part of being a human in this crazy world. Writing this and sharing this is part of my healing, even if some of it may not make sense even to me, I'm putting it out there anyway. (Even if my mind is rationalizing and telling me all the reasons not to. I've almost not posted at least 5 times. Hah. And still am contemplating not posting.lol.)

I’ve spent a long time trying to be what HE wanted, what HE needed. I came up with this fantasy girl I needed to be for someone amazing to choose me, and constantly failed to live up to my expectations (which were always changing). I was always unsure, always felt like a fraud or a failure, and I was doing this all so unconsciously because I didn’t know any other way. The idea of being someone I was proud of, someone I was happy with, someone that I enjoyed being with, did not compute - not even something that crossed my mind. I’m done with it. Drawing a line in the sand. I don’t need to change who I am to get him to love me. He already loves me. And if he only loves me for someone I’m pretending to be, it’s not worth it.

I’m learning who I need to be, who I was born to be. I feel like I’m starting to discover my worth. Like there has been a chest of gold deep inside me all along that has been waiting all these years for me to find. Whether or not he likes it depends on him. Whether or not he stays or goes depends on him. It’s nothing to judge myself by. It doesn't mean I’m better or worse than anyone. I used to think this sounded cold or harsh, but now I see it as after all the bullshit is cut away we are only left with love. When desperation and ego and needing someone to make me feel a certain way is gone - then we can just have fun, and play, and enjoy each other.

Not that I didn’t go through that need to be with him all the time, incomplete without him, missing him when he got up to pee phase. And there are still times I feel that way, and that’s okay. I can let the addiction to him take over sometimes, I’m human. It’s fun sometimes to forget the rest of the world exists and get lost in him for a little while.

I just don’t ever want to lose myself ever again. I love myself too much for that.

We don’t need to be anything other than we are for people to love us. It starts with loving ourselves just the way we are and knowing that we are enough just the way we are. We don’t need anyone to complete us. We are already full and whole and amazing.