Why Safety is the Answer to Exhaustion and Overwhelm {Also? A fun announcement.}

When one of my kids wants to tell me about a dream they had, I inwardly roll my eyes and brace myself for the most tedious story ever. This is why I will never take home the Mother of the Year trophy.

So on a Friday morning at the end of a long week — well, actually it was the end of a series of long weeks, I felt especially averse to conversations that start with, “I have to tell you about the dream I had.”

Just the day before I had said truthful but ugly things that a mature and godly grown-up should not say. And then I slammed the door for added punctuation. I sped off to two different schools and then to an event for work.

I was out of gas in every way but faked that I wasn’t, telling myself that all sorts of people live very busy lives and I needed to get over it already. When I returned home early afternoon, I ate lunch on the sofa and turned on the television. It was on the Home Shopping Network and I tuned in for 30 minutes like it was my job, fully convinced that I needed the $30 heart-shaped blush baked on real Italian tiles for two days.

Exhaustion and depletion make us vulnerable like that. We convince ourselves that we deserve certain rewards because of what’s missing in our lives.

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Even though this season of my life is bursting at the seams in a way I’ve never experienced, even though there’s precious little space to reflect and process, grief still manages to chisel itself into the tiny cracks.

Busy-ness is only a temporary deterrent from unattended ache.

Last week I took a few minutes to list the things I miss. It felt like a small but necessary step toward living more honestly with myself.

I miss writing so badly that I cry just typing this sentence.

I miss having the physical energy that enabled me to get up extra early just a year ago.

I miss having more time together as a family.

I miss my kids when they were little and the stakes didn’t feel as high.

I miss the dreams for my creative work that feel forever on hold.

I miss putting our younger kids to bed early and having time in the evening with my husband to watch TV.

I miss the seasons when my sanity felt slightly more intact and I didn’t live with a constant, low-grade anxiety / anger combo that I can’t quite figure out.

I miss relationships.

I miss the days when the family calendar had more margin.

In the whole scheme of things, this list of losses is not so important. They are a collection of small griefs.

But the sum of them all feels terribly heavy in my heart.

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On that weary Friday morning, I had also missed two weeks of Bible study and most of the lessons in between. I felt like I was languishing in every way — physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I needed nourishment and encouragement but was too tired to seek it.

As my youngest son crunched his cereal and I made my daughter’s lunch, he persisted about the dream.

I suppressed my silent scream of “Noooooo” and said, “Tell me about it.”

Well there were all of these lions everywhere. They were at the park and on our street and in all the yards. But they were in our yard more than anyone else’s yard and they were always trying to get in our house.

At this point, a thought entered my head: Marian,maybe you should pay attention.

So there were all of these lions in our yard but there was this one really big lion. You know, the kind that has all the hair around its face? This lion stood in our yard in front of the house.

Me: Well, was it a good lion? Were the other lions bad?

Yeah, the other lions were bad and wanted to hurt us but this lion was protecting us from all of the bad lions. And he was our friend. Like, we could ride on him and stuff.

By this point I had stopped making the lunch and turned away because my eyes stung with tears and I had goose bumps.

In the midst of bread crumbs and Lucky Charms and lukewarm coffee, I felt the palpable presence of God.

I know that plenty of people, even spiritual folks, don’t believe that God shows up in our dreams like that. Especially in the dreams of a child. But for all of my natural inclinations toward skepticism and cynicism and all things rational, God has often bypassed reason and apologetics to get my attention.

I don’t presume that most dreams have spiritual significance but I do know that we’re at our most vulnerable when we’re asleep. And just as I have been attacked by fear and evil in my sleep, I have also been ambushed by truth and beauty.

Perhaps we see truth most clearly when our eyes are closed.

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When I finally walked into Bible study that same morning, utterly worn out and tardy, having forgotten to bring change for the parking meters, I realized I’d done the wrong lesson. Of course.

Instead of Jesus’ trial, we read through Jesus’ prayers for the spiritual safekeeping of believers while we are still in the world.

Things could not have been more clear. “Dear God, message received.”

Why am I always surprised when He breaks through the universe into my own insignificant corner of the world to show me that life isn’t up to me to get right? It is not like a quest to find the Holy Grail.

You’re still here? Good. I was afraid this post about dreams and lions scared everyone away.

Here’s an extreme twist in subject matter:

For those of you who have been hanging around for a couple of years or more, you may remember The Real Pretty Shop. I had such fun opening those virtual doors for several sales. But then I got a real job. We moved. I have three kids in three different schools. And you get the picture — life has been fuller than full ever since.

But that hasn’t stopped me from tucking away little treasures in hopes that the shop might open up again. Sometimes I say to myself, “I might have a teensy bit of a problem.” And then I realize that I don’t have a problem, I have an unofficial shop. That just happens to be in a spare closet of my home.

I’ve been working here and there in the cracks of time and…

I’m opening the shop for another sale!

YAY!!! And also, WHY AM I SO NERVOUS???

This sale will be a bit different than last time. I’m opening the doors on Instagram instead of on the blog. The shop will open at 7 am on Thursday, March 30th. Be sure to follow me on Instagram @marianvischer. I’ll do a post that morning telling you where to go and what to do.

I have twenty-something handpicked ensembles this time, all of them perfect for spring!

Want a sneak peak?

Full disclosure: I have a disproportionate amount of size smalls. : ( Don’t hate me.

This is partially because I get excited and buy cute things for myself, but end up wearing the same jeans and boots and denim shirt 90% of the time. #Iannoymyself

If I open the shop again in the future, I promise to have a more representative selection of sizes like I had in previous sales.

So hop on over to Instagram, follow me, and if you haven’t updated to the latest version, you may want to do that because I have multiple pics of each ensemble. The latest version Instagram lets you post multiple pics in one post. {Bad when someone just took a vacation and wants to show 10 different angles of their poolside mojito. Good when Marian opens the shop and wants you to see all the fun details of the outfit you’re buying.}

Hope to see you at the shop on Thursday!

Love, Marian

Instagram @marianvischer

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Comments

Yes, yes, and YES. God forgive us for all the disclaimers we put on grace.

Funny, isn’t it, that we think of Satan as the lion who walks to and fro, seeking whom he may devour? Actually, Satan walks around LIKE a lion, but he’s not the lion at all. He’s the imposter lion. Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world, right?

Love you and your dreams and your kids’ dreams. And it just so happens that I usually wear size small, so I’ll be stalking you on Instagram. Congratulations on the shop!

Wow… I will need to revisit this post several times. Thank you so much for writing the real again… we are real dust and He is all very real grace to breathe life into our dust. Wish I could take a ride on that golden back holding His manes! Maybe in a dream…

Over here in my little corner of the world, I am missing the same things that you are. And lately my anxiety has been off the charts and I don’t know why. This was a beautiful, timely post for me. Thank you for reminding me that I am not nor have I ever been, alone. And your hand picked Bible readings made me cry as I read them. Thank you for this bit of grace.

Thank-you for your comments on the fact that a collection of small griefs does add up to real pain. While it’s good and healthy to recognize that others are suffering in greater ways than we are, it’s also necessary to acknowledge the toll that many seemingly small trials or pressures take on our bodies, minds, emotions and spirits.

I’m so thankful that God sees and understands all of our hurts and struggles, no matter how insignificant they may seem. I’m also grateful for his unending grace that keeps and holds us as we make our way through this journey of life.

How is it that I had this tab open to read this post from the end of March, yet I “happened” to read it just today?

God has a strange & wonderful way of getting our attention when we need it most!

I find myself today in that day-before-vacation frenzy, especially when I have to go to work for an evening shift, and we leave for a 10-hour drive tomorrow morning! And I’ve come into this summer feeling SO behind (mostly due to a finger injury and surgery, but also just because of life).

So the timing on reading your kind, gentle and encouraging words is just perfect! (I feel like I read this lion dream story before?)

Thanks for sharing your heart and allowing us to relate to your confused feelings, but ultimately pointing us back to the truth.