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I Can’t Even…

I’m trying out this thing. It’s called “pull yourself together.” Because many of you have heard now that my book is being published. I’m beside myself giddy.

It’s all I’ve dreamt of for just ever. I’ve worked really hard, but suddenly now that I’m here at this place- the place where they hand you your race number and say “you got this sister.” All of a sudden I’m like a deer in the headlights.

Or worse. Like the guy on the side of the road waiting to hand water to the runners. The real runners of this race. And then my nightmare unfolds and I realize I AM the real runner of this race. I can’t hand myself water! That’s preposterous.

And it’s true. I can’t stand on the sidelines and also run on the track. It just doesn’t work that way.

Thanks alive I was never meant to water myself. Or feed myself. Or lead myself. Instead actually there’s a place I go where my thirst is quenched and once I eat I’m never hungry. Or so they tell me. Is this true?

Is this really how it works? I know scripture says something to that effect, but if I’m being fully honest, this isn’t quite my experience.

What really happens is I lean in a bit. Just a little prayer followed by a short passage of God’s word. His story that so amazingly weaves my story in like a single thread. And all of a sudden I find I want a little more. I turn my eyes up to look fully upon his face- or as much as he lets me glimpse. And all I want is more.

The more he reveals the more I ask. The more he answers the more I want. It’s insaciable. It’s as it should be.

Lord, I need you. Keep me coming back to you to be filled. I can’t do this alone.