"As soon as you realize everything's a joke, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense."--Alan Moore

Thursday, April 18, 2013

What We're Reading

Compiled by the editors of HoseMaster of Wine™

WINE SPECTATOR: In their First Annual Swimsuit Issue, Wine Spectator has some sexy and revealing photo shoots. Thomas Mathews looks particularly wanton in his Speedo with the number “99” in bold on the front. A shot of the same suit from the back reveals “With a Torpedo” written across his rear. Not sure what that means. And here’s Jim Laube surrounded by several topless bikini models, their breasts shyly hidden, in a shoot entitled, “Tit-ratable Acidity--I Rate Those 49 Points Each” A little T & A with your TA seems perfect. Harvey Steiman visits a nude beach in Australia in a clever parody of “King Leer” entitled “You Aren’t the Barossa Me.” Matt Kramer pens “Making Sense of Thongs.” Tim Fish gets a Brazilian but doesn’t know where to keep her. And who’s on the cover? None other than Marvin himself, looking (vo)luminous in the latest style from Ringling Brothers.

SOMMELIER JOURNAL: Nah, we’re not actually reading this. It’s been proven to be the major cause of Premature Pretension in rodents. And, yes, it is an actual magazine, though it’s about as likely a Sommelier has a Journal as the Atlantic has a Monthly.

DECANTER: Andrew Jefford tells the story of Sir Freddie Ossis of Liverpool, who was the first Master of Wine. Sir Ossis MW was a legendary wine taster, who, when asked if he had ever confused Burgundy with Bordeaux, graciously responded, “Oh, do fuck off.” Sir Ossis of Liverpool may be best remembered, Jefford writes, “for starting the great tradition of exposing himself to every winemaker he could find.” No, that’s what he meant. Jamie Goode makes the case that terroir is just like ectoplasm, but not as gooey, and with a nice minerally finish. Tim Atkin MW on what Bordeaux can learn from the Girl Scouts of Amercia. “The future of Bordeaux futures is having young girls sell them in front of supermarkets. When you think about it, Classified Growths are just overpriced cookies too.”

1WINEDOODY: Joe Roberts announces his three new wine gigs. “I don’t know how I ended up lucky enough to land the prestigious WineBeaver position at Hustler.com. Go there now and read my first post, ‘I love Chablis when it’s Flynty.’ Hey, it might interfere with my Playboy.com gig, but I don’t think so. Hustler wants my posts to be more penetrating. I’m also being paid to be an expert witness in the upcoming Dr. Conti trial to prove how easy it is to fool wine lovers. And as if that weren’t enough, I’m also the new wine consultant for North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, or as I call him, The Second Most Powerful K-J.”

WALL STREET JOURNAL: Jay McInerney writes about his first experience at VinItaly. “You’d think, first of all, that I’d get to meet Vin. I loved him in ‘Fast and Furious.’” McInerney is impressed by the wines of Valpolicella, “Did you know that the grapes for Amarone are dried out on mats? Sounds like a party I went to many years ago on Jackie Onassis’ yacht.” “Italian wines are the greatest wines on Earth, but there are so many of them, and from so many varieties of grapes, that, frankly, it’s just not worth my time to try and understand them. I like Cabernet.” Lettie Teague has insights about frost protection, “Wear earmuffs.”

At Vinography, Alder Yarrow wonders what climate change will to do his tongue. “If Napa gets any hotter, I’ll be panting twice as hard. Though I love a nice pair of pants.”

Dr. Vino says recent climate change projections leave out a major factor, “If they’d just stop the Napa Valley auction, imagine how that would reduce the amount of methane released into the atmosphere.”

Tom Wark talks about climate change from a different perspective, “Why don’t we just call it what it is, a way for the country’s distributors to drive small wineries out of the business? They can’t stop direct shipping, so they’re raising the temperature in wine country. What can you do? Buy a cooked wine today!”

W. Blinky Gray responds to the climate change controversy, “Why is everyone in the business in denial? I wrote about this five years ago. I was right then, and I’m right now, when I say everyone else is wrong.”

Lily-Elaine Hawk Wakawaka Boom Shakalakalaka Boom Shakalaka has a more philosophical bent, “Change is inevitable. Our planet is a living organism, and like every human, like all of us, must live with change and metamorphosis and death. Surrender, Earthlings.”

Alice Feiring writes, “I just hate the way it makes my hair frizzy.”

David White at Terrorist wonders, “How much longer can I keep quoting idiots?”

17 comments:

Nice shots Ron.. particularly 1winedoody.. his self-absorbed, unreadable, aren't I great? columns were particularly painful this week..And for Jay McInerney, once read a review of one of his atrocious novels, and the reviewer said it was awful, but once in a while he gets off a savory line of literature, "like the law is the exoskeleton, which contains the squishy offal of our animal nature and viscid passions." Savory line of literature? And I thought it was just drivel.. There was a piece in the LA Review of Books of some kid who used to worship Mc for some ungodly reason and he was a waiter at some NY bar and Mc turned out to be some middle aged, drunken, boorish embarrassment..

David,Hell, I'm a middle-aged, boorish embarrassment. I should write a book. And marry a rich woman.

I hadn't done What We're Reading for a while, and I wanted to somehow reflect the insular, incestuous nature of wine blogging. A topic emerges, like a climate change report, and there's a stampede of bloggers who finally think of a topic and then rush to be the first one to speculate, cogitate, pontificate, and regurgitate on the matter. What's sad is that you usually already know their opinions before you read them. And so it goes. Next up, Earth Day. Yawn.

OK, I confess! I write for Sommelier Journal. But, you still can adore me, even though I use my "literary" talents for naught!

Here is my most recent totally esoteric piece: Although the magazine is by subscription, the editors have had the good grace to open my piece to free access.www.sommelierjournal.com/articles/article.aspx?year=2012&month=10&articlenum=98 (see pdf at end for my tasting notes).

Great, just great. Your posts brighten my Mondays and Thursdays in between installing handles on the cars you all drive. That's right a factory worker reads HoseMaster of Wine. Physically laughed while installing a rear window run channel after reading the line "When you think about it, Classified Growths are just overpriced cookies too.” I am also one of those awful young people that you write about that loves wine and enjoys constantly learning about it.

Knurd: "Most observers were shocked, but there was a precedent: at another high-profile tasting in London in 2009, the critics were unable to tell which wines were from New Zealand and which from Bordeaux."

For a minute there I was almost believed that a critic's opinion matters. And here I thought high profile critics could never be fooled!_________________________I dunno, I just reported on it!

Matt,Wow, what a cool comment. You might be the only person here with an actual skill! So are there, like, inside jokes that factory guys like you have, like, "Hey, I've got a handle on everything."?

It's an honor to have you here, Matt, and thanks for chiming in. Please do so as often as you'd like. And thank you for reading my crap.

Marlene, Hmmm. If Sommelier Journal doesn't allow comments, why should I? I can deign not to just as easily. In fact, I'm a Great Deign. Woof.

I read your article. Very nice. One of the guys from Destiny Bay, who reads HoseMaster, sent me some wine a few months ago, and I have to say, it was really really fantastic. Not sure I'd mistake it for Bordeaux, that's not their goal anyway, but I'd sure as hell drink it any time I had the chance.

But their wines seem far better than most of the others you mentioned, at least the ones I've tasted. However, they're pretty pricey too.

Thanks, HMW, but the hustler gig was supposed to be kept under pantie wraps until the embargo lifted...

David - sorry to disappoint you, but you could always just come here and read the 1WineDoody versions (also for free). Or feel free to give me crap over at 1WD directly (I've no issue with that, I know that I run the risk of misinterpretation whenever I've got to explain something related to the personal blog; in that case explaining why I will probably be posting fewer self-absorbed and unreadable columns!).

1WineDoody,It's great that you're doing so well and folks want to pay you for your work. I know how dedicated you are, and how hard you work at it. It won't be long before you shut down your freebie site altogether. Then what will I do? Making fun of Palate Press is just too easy.

And I'm the guy who was published in Hustler once upon a time. I used my pseudonym, "Name Withheld By Request."

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

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