SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News
September 2, 2012 Edition

Marijuana's
Effects on President's IQ Contested

Presidential
Press Secretary Jay Carney insisted that the President's admitted
heavy use of marijuana as a teenager “does not prove he is a dope.”

The
question of whether President Obama may have suffered brain damage as
a member of the infamous “Choom Gang” as a youth reared its ugly
head when a recently completed study by two New Zealand professors
measured an average decline in IQ of 8 points for heavy users of
weed.

“First
of all, these figures are an average person,” Carney argued. “The
President is already acknowledged to be so far above average that a
decline of such a magnitude is easily overwhelmed by his innate
genius.”

“Second,
we challenge anyone to demonstrate any evidence they may believe they
have that shows the President to be deficient in any way,” Carney
asserted. “I think the recognized mediators of our culture are
pretty unanimous in their perception that the President is, by far,
the most intelligent person to ever hold the office.”

Finally,
even though it is likely that his Mormon opponent never touched pot,
I don't know anyone who wouldn't trust the President to make a more
intelligent decision on issues crucial to this country's future,”
he concluded.

President
Vows to “Hammer Away at Key Issue of Campaign”

President
Obama renewed his assault on what he contends is the key issue of
this campaign: transparency.

“People
need to know who they're voting for, a candidate's life shouldn't be
a mystery,” the President said. “For months, Governor Romney has
been ducking the question of how much he's paid in taxes the last
decade. How can he expect voters to elect him when he's withholding
information vital to their decision?”

“If you
want to be President of the United States your life needs to be an
open book,” Obama continued. “Crucial chapters shouldn't be
hidden from view. Attempts to divert voters' attention from these
matters by raising issues tangential to this core information should
serve as a 'red flag' warning that the truth might be too ugly for
general consumption.”

The
President sought to contrast the “secrecy” of the Romney campaign
with his own “full disclosure.” “My tax records are open for
voters' inspection,” Obama boasted. “I challenge my opponent to
do the same.”

At
the same time, President Obama rebuffed questions relating to his
college transcripts, multiple Social Security numbers, and Selective
Service records saying “not only is this information irrelevant to
the decision facing voters, but it would be illegal to release
records that have been sealed by a presidential order.”

Republican
Convention During Hurricane Is “Crass”

Democratic
National Chairperson, Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Fla),
labeled Republicans “crass” for insisting on campaigning while
Hurricane Isaac was ravaging the nearby Gulf Coast states. The
Congresswoman attributed the GOP's insensitivity to its “win at all
cost” mentality.

“They
are so determined to oust President Obama that they couldn't postpone
or cancel their convention out of concern for the suffering of the
people of Louisiana and Mississippi?” Wasserman-Schultz
sarcastically queried. “Or what about them using all that time on
camera to rally support for flood relief measures? No, they cruelly
plowed ahead with speeches aimed at turning the nation against the
President.”

“It's
not like this is something they have to do,” she argued. “The
office isn't vacant. President Obama has courageously offered to
serve another term. If Republicans cared about the country they'd be
getting behind this great man so we could present a unified approach
for solving our problems.”

President
Obama, who has been on the campaign trail continuously during the GOP
Convention, refused to criticize the Representative's comments.
“While these aren't the words I would've used, I can't say there
isn't some truth to what she's said,” he cautiously remarked. “I
don't think there is any doubt that we'd be better off if everyone
pulled together rather than having to repeatedly squabble over the
direction we ought to be headed.”

In
related news, Obama campaign adviser Robert Gibbs characterized the
GOP Convention as “angry” and “insulting.” “All we heard
were complaints about high unemployment, spiraling deficits and how
the Democrats aren't doing enough to deal with these complaints,”
Gibbs complained. “They didn't give the President any credit for
reforming the healthcare system or killing bin-Laden—two issues
that redound heavily in his favor. I think that when voters reflect
on how one-sided the whole affair was they'll reelect President
Obama.”

“A
talented or energetic person might feel that just being free of
restraint is enough,” Touré observed. “But what does the GOP
have to offer someone with little ability and no ambition?”

Touré
contrasted the “harsh” GOP approach with what he called the more
generous world view of the Democrats. “Just being free to pursue
happiness doesn't guarantee you'll be happy,” Touré pointed out.
“The Democrats know this and have designed programs where the
government will come to your rescue.”

An example
offered by Touré was the new healthcare mandate requiring women to
be provided with free birth control. “A woman's ability to pursue
happiness in a sexual relationship may be hampered by fear of
becoming pregnant,” Touré said. “Under President Obama's
healthcare program this fear has been abolished.”

“Or what
about a person who's not suited to the daily grind of earning a
living?” Touré asked. “It's not God who ensures this person's
welfare. It's the government stepping in to offset the disadvantages
of those who've been short-changed by God when it came to handing out
so-called natural abilities.”

“Voters
will need to ask themselves whether they'll really be satisfied with
a candidate that merely offers them the liberty
to take care of
themselves when by pulling a different lever in the voting booth they
can elect someone else who offers them liberty
from having to take care
of themselves,” Touré advised.

Obama
Urges Amendment to Freedom of Speech

President
Obama has joined the ranks of those calling for the First Amendment
to be revised to allow the government to exert more control over
political speech. The movement for amending this provision of the US
Constitution stems from the Supreme Court's decision in the Citizens
United case.

“As it
stands now, anyone can say pretty much whatever they want to about
any candidate,” Obama lamented. “And if they've got money to
spend they can ensure that their views can be broadcast to virtually
every voter. They can undermine the people's trust in their
government and breed disloyalty on a massive scale.”

The
President explained that “though many have suggested I should
implement the needed reform via Executive Order there is no assurance
that the Supreme Court wouldn't overturn such an order just like they
overturned the McCain-Feingold Act that established controls over
election-oriented speech.”

Backers
of the proposed amendment say they hope to bring more “structure”
to our electoral process. “Ideally, there should be government
oversight to ensure that access to the various media during the
election season is restricted to the legitimate candidates,” Obama
said. “Non-candidates shouldn't be allowed to sow confusion,
particularly during this critical period. Those running for office
have the right to be protected against ambush by people who lack the
standing to enter the race themselves.”

Federal
Court Strikes Down Texas Voter ID Law

A
three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of
Columbia Circuit invalidated the Texas voter ID law on the grounds
that “it would have a disparate effect on minorities.”

Writing
for the Court, David Tatel pointed out that “the photo requirement
is a heavier burden for both Blacks and Hispanics. Blacks are
disproportionately in trouble with law enforcement authorities.
Forcing them to identify themselves at the polls could increase the
chances they could be arrested on outstanding warrants. Many
Hispanics, on the other hand, are in the country illegally. Forcing
them to identify themselves exposes them to the risk of deportation.
It is obvious that the Texas voter ID burdens inflicted on these
minority groups exceed those imposed on whites. The law is unequal in
its effects and, therefore, invalid.”

Texas
Attorney General Greg Abbott said he will appeal the panel's ruling
calling it “wrong on the law” and maintained that “it
improperly prevents Texas from implementing the same type of ballot
integrity safeguards that are employed by Georgia and Indiana — and
were upheld by the US Supreme Court.”

Tatel
rejected Abbott's argument saying that “the desire for so-called
ballot integrity cannot be permitted to override the human rights of
protected minorities. Democracy rests on the consent of the governed.
Inasmuch as wanted criminals and undocumented persons are, in fact,
governed, they have a right not to be intimidated from taking part in
the process of choosing their rulers.”