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Friday, February 26, 2010

The Back Page (non-obits)

Kool-Aid Man

1975 - 2010

Anyone who grew up on the sugary drink, will be saddened to hear that Kool-Aid Man has passed. A beloved symbol of flavor packets, and a positive role model to children, Kool-Aid always strove to present an outgoing image. Though he kept it hidden for years, he fought a lifelong battle with diabetes. Sadly, in the end, he was just too sugary. He is scheduled to be poured on the grass, one for himself, and one for his homies.

Street Cred

1919 - 2010

After being on life-support for the past 6 years, Street Cred has officially died. The last remaining Cred, held by Ludacris, ended when it was discovered by Geof* at Enter The Man-Cave, that the famed rapper had recently done a song with Justin Bieber. Other rappers and hip-hop artists were upset and more than a little peeved. Stated up and coming rapper Safety-Pin, "Now what are the rest of us supposed to do, write about something other than bitches and money?" Ludacris is next rumored to be chasing his childhood dream of being digitally injected into a Shirley Temple movie.

John the Phoenix

3,000b.c. - 2,000b.c., 67a.d. - 1067a.d., 1510 - 2010

John the Phoenix died again this past Monday. Often considered to be the laziest of the legendary phoenixes, John had recently found favor amongst disaffected teens. Critics have often taken a hard stance against John, suggesting that his lifestyle -coming back from the dead to eat snacks and watch TV- is a bad influence on kids. John is survived by Terrence Dillinger, his roommate\dealer of 12 years.

Non-Death:

Debbie Reynolds

1932 -

Easter Island was shocked today to learn the news that Debbie Reynolds was still alive. Sometimes thought of as America's Grandma (no, not that one, the evil, judgmental one) Debbie Reynolds is well known for her contribution to film. Highlights include 'Singing in the Rain' and 'Bundle of Joy.' While it has never been proved that she's evil, in this humble reporter's opinion, she's always seemed a little like Darth Vader. Somewhere buried deep inside, is the sweet pretty Debbie Reynolds of old. Nevertheless, as she's made it this far, we wish her many more terrifying (for us) years to come.

*Thanks for the suggestion. Peoples, make sure to check out his page if you haven't already!