Discounted, My Life at 75% Off!

Discounted, My Life lived at 75% Off!

Discounted… A word that is simply ‘music to my ears’. Why? Because discounted indicates to me that some beautiful item of clothing—one that I could never buy on my ‘Single Girl Salary’—has now gone from being an ‘impossible possession’ to something ‘hopefully attainable’, if the item I am eyeballing continues its downward discounted trajectory until it is within my price range.

I recently walked into Intermix in Beverly Hills and saw the cutest sixties-inspired Missoni dress. I love Missoni—the mix of colors, and the cool knit fabric feels so vibrant and alive that anything Missoni designs makes me feel like a million bucks when I wear it. But, unfortunately, it costs like a million bucks, or it seems like something that only someone who has ‘big money’ can afford to buy. So, when I commented to the sales clerk that I was going to keep my eye on it until it went on sale, and when he said “Missoni never goes on sale”, I looked at him with a ‘gleeful smirking look’ on my face said “Well, I have bought three other Missoni dresses here on sale – two were discounted at 75% off and one was actually 90% off, so umm, I will take my chances.”

I SO hate when sales clerks lie – out and out lie – to make a sale. I am a proud ‘discount’ shopper, and I have no shame in saying that. I learned this lesson over the last recession when I began to notice that clothing started to be discounted at well over 50% off, and sometimes went as low as 90% off. I remember (fondly) walking into Diavolina one Sunday afternoon, as Canoli and I used to stroll up and down Robertson Boulevard each Sunday—me looking for clothes on sale, and Canoli looking for attention and treats—when I spotted the beautiful hand-beaded sequenced Philip Lim dress I had been ogling-over for the last several months, hanging on the sales rack. I was having a rough day; and sometimes a little retail therapy—also known as ‘happiness in a bag syndrome’— takes away your mini-depression, even if for only a second. So I decided to try on the dress, as it was my size, and GODDAMNIT it if I didn’t look fucking amazing in it!

Shit!!! The dress was a show-stopping, red-carpet, one of a kind dress that fit me perfectly. I nervously looked down at the price tag, and saw that it was $1900 dollars. Of course, it was a ‘rich girl dress’, still likely out of my league, even on a discounted sales rack. I started to calculate in my head, well… if it is discounted at 40% off that is around, $1200 or so, and if it was as low as 50% off it would be just over $1000 with tax. I had a bummer-moment-of-realization, knowing that at 50% off, it was still an unattainable discounted dream. At this point, I didn’t feel happy, just depressed.

Of course, the sales-girl told me how ammmazing it looked on me, and after parading around in it for about 20 minutes, trying on various shoes to see if my gams looked good, and pulling my hair into an assortment of up-dos, I didn’t want to look like a time-wasting-broke-loser so I sheepishly asked how much it was on sale for? The sales-girl told me it was 90% off. I think my mouth dropped so low that my chin actually scratched the floor. Ninety percent off, umm, that meant that the dress was less than 200 dollars, well maybe $220 with tax.

“I WILL TAKE IT!!!!” I screamed so loudly I am surprised the glass windows in the store didn’t shatter. As I threw back on my sneakers, cut-offs, and with my baseball cap masking my greasy-hair-no-make-up street-urchin look, I ran to the cash register, plopped down my plastic and squealed as I purchased my first ever majorly discounted dress.

And that folks… is how it ALLLL started. Since that moment in time, my brain realized that… everything goes on sale, and since that time, I proudly hold my head high as I continue on my discounted only shopping life path.

Here is the Philip Lim dress that started it all… MY first ever DISCOUNTED dress….

So, if you decide to try to follow my discounted path, here are some tips you need to follow:

Realize that shopping needs to become a ritual. You need to frequent stores you like, scope out items your heart desires, and then watch for sales. Befriend the sales-girls, tell them honestly that you are not a ‘Beverly Hills Housewife’ or a ‘Trust Fund Baby’, or a ‘Sugar Baby’; rather you work your ass off and you can only ONLY buy things on sale. They will get it because, umm, they are working too! If you get lucky, they will like you and let you know when things are discounted at 75% off or (giggle, giggle, giggle)… more!

You don’t shop anymore when you need something, NO NO NO! Discounted shopping means that you have to buy things when you might not necessarily need them, so you must shop in anticipation that you will get invited to a fancy party, or you will need a dress for a date, or that the turquoise shirt on sale really brings out your eyes, and will make you a guy magnet. You need to shop for the future. This actually is very productive, because you are never ‘stressed’ trying to find something to wear, and positively planning for a ‘fabulous future’ creates good energy and allows good things to happen! (Okay, I might be embellishing a little here, but I do believe that! Or justify it, whatever!!!)

Why stop at clothes? Christmas is around the corner, friends will have another birthday… when you find something great for someone, and if you can get it on sale, why not? The only caveat here is that they can’t return it, but chances are, if you were planning to spend a $100 and you get something that was $400, for $100—they will likely love it, and think you are a baller! And if they don’t, they are just ungrateful fuckers! Only purchase items like: scarves, handbags, jewelry or cool home accessories—don’t buy actual items of clothing, as everyone’s body is different, and what fits you and looks great on you, might look like shit on them! Well, all I can say is my closet if full of beautiful items that I proudly purchased at discounted rates. Even if I were to have an expendable income someday, at this point in my life, after having worked so hard, I can’t imagine ever paying full-price for anything. You may call it frugal; I call it being a smart consumer.

That being said… I wouldn’t mind having the option too, LOL!!! Money GODS, are you listening??

PS… I DID get the sixties inspired Missoni dress on sale, 80% off! BOOYA!!!

I recently wore this dress again! This time for the American Cinematheque Event… Moral of the story.. a good dress never really goes out of style! I am a bit thinner now so it actually hangs better! LOL kisses y’all!

Sweating the Summer Bikini Season

Sweating the Summer Bikini Season

What does summer mean to you: lazy beach days making sand castles, backyard barbecues with friends, sipping mojitos poolside, or if you are in Canada, you might be thinking… fighting mosquitos? Whatever it is, and no matter where you live, there is one common variable that every single woman across the country, the continent, and most likely the world, thinks as we approach summer… it’s the ‘oh shit I have to get into a swimsuit or bikini’ kind of an ‘oh shit.’

Yep, getting into your summer bikini is enough to put even a fit girl into a serious panic. Swimsuits have evolved from something that was meant for a rigorous water sport into a fashionably skimpy accessory; one that often bares more of your bod then your Victoria’s Secret push-up bra and boy shorts.

So when summer bikini season hits, and that dreaded invite shows up in your email that says ‘Pool Party’ or ‘Beach Party’, and the start time is from 2 pm on, you know that you are going to look absolutely ridiculous if you don’t show up in some sort of beach attire. Even if you have been preparing for the last month or two in advance to get ready to rock that summer bikini—eating healthier, drinking less booze, and frenetically working out in your summer-is-around-the-corner mode—you still are going to need to physically and mentally prepare yourself to unveil your practically naked body for the entire party to see.

Guys, on the other hand, throw on some funky board shorts, and don’t give a flying crap if their beer guts are hanging out; they are just happy to be half-naked with a bunch of almost totally naked females. And speaking of guys, we women are well aware that the visual creatures known as ‘men’ are ‘sussing up’ every curve on our body, along with every flaw. And it’s that ‘Oh my God, he is going to see some cellulite or some back fat or some imperfection that results in females sweating the summer bikini season even before it begins.

Truthfully, it’s not fair. Women should start to be just as critical of men’s bodies as they are of ours. But alas, that will never happen, because we as women are so busy worrying about our sags and cellulite that we don’t have time to obsess over men’s imperfections. Focusing on ours is a full time job. Guys, you really don’t know what we go through. You don’t know the stress of putting on a string bikini or a swimsuit, as even the most gorgeous and slim swimsuit models can suffer from serious summer bikini insecurities.

What are our summer bikini insecurities, and how do we deal with them???

The worst, I mean the worst, is if you get your period that day and you are bloated! UGH! That is an unavoidable tragedy that is feared, truly feared; plus hemorrhaging in a bikini sucks, and the chance of spills and leakage is not only greatly increased, it is likely.

God forbid you accidentally eat something that make you bloated for days and your protruding belly looks like you might be 2 to 3 months pregnant! So for several days before the party, we consciously try to consume foods that don’t puff us out. Yet, sometimes the bloated belly is an unpredictable anomaly and no matter how much coffee you drink that day, the coffee’s diuretic effects are still totally lost on the bloated belly.

Your bikini wax as to be precisely timed. You need to wax far enough in advance so the red bumps from where the wax tore your pubic hairs away from your crotch area are no longer red and noticeable. Yet you can’t have it done too far out in case you have pubic crotch stubble, because … who wants to look at that?? Ew!

You have to get a spray tan. Now this one has to be precisely timed—precision timing so to speak— because the first day of the spray tan you are gooey and can’t sweat, so that doesn’t work. The second day your spray tan looks its ultimate bronziest, so spray tanning the night before is truly optimal. After that it fades, often unevenly, especially if you shave your legs and it starts to look fucking skanky. And why is a spray tan a must? WHY? BECAUSE TANNED FAT LOOKS BETTER THAN WHITE FAT. Trust me, it just does.

A fresh non-chipped mani-pedi is a must do the night before or the day of, because… chipped polish is a full-on trashy look, and as both your toenails and fingertips will be on full display, a fresh mani-pedi is absolutely on your ‘must do’ list. Plus, the colors need to complement and accentuate your summer bikini.

As well, you need to get waterproof mascara and make-up because, even though it is a pool party, you still want to look ‘evening glam’ as normally these pool-party-peeps only see you at nightclubs or parties, which happen after dark. And let’s face it; you still want to look hot.

Your hair, you need to spend time doing your damn hair, as sexy beach hair is a look that takes time to create; or money, so your hairdresser can create it for you.

And shit, speaking of money you need a cute swimsuit, slides (yes you still need heels so your legs look good), a cool sun hat, and a sexy cover up that still shows your bikini poking through.

Shittttt…

So if you can navigate the above obstacles, you can likely survive the Summer Bikini Season, and have some beach and pool party fun, and hopefully come out relatively unscathed. Plus after a few cocktails in the sun, you start to forget about your hair, your make-up, your cellulite, your fat cells, your belly bloat and actually relax and have a good time. And having fun and being happy is its own aphrodisiac, so even if you don’t feel ‘perfectly summer bikini beach ready’, why not just have fun and be comfy in your own skin, as life is too short not to enjoy!

And on that note… I am headed to the gym, then stopping at whole foods for some healthy juices and hitting the spray tan salon on the way home. Just sayin’!

Below is the audio link for those of you trapped on the 405, or the 101, or the Trans Canada Highway… xoxo Send, share and life if this made you laugh or think or, umm? Fart???

Premediated SCHMUCK MOVE

Premediated SCHMUCK MOVE

To understand what a SCHMUCK MOVE is, you need to be somewhat knowledgeable of Yiddish. Yiddish is an historical language that originated in the 9th century amongst the Ashkenazi Jews in Central Europe. Literally translated, SCHMUCK was the name given to the foreskin of the penis that is cut off during circumcision. So, when someone calls you a SCHMUCK, they are in essence saying that you a useless piece of discarded penis skin! Yiddish words have trickled down into our modern world and become part of our language. Over the centuries, SCHMUCK has been used as a counterpart for the word penis, so a SCHMUCK MOVE means it’s a Dick Move, a Loser Move or a Jerk Move….

Okay, that’s enough of a history lesson, on to the story about a SCHMUCK MOVE…

Last weekend, when I was at the Giuseppe Franco Salon getting my hair blown out by my fabulous hairdresser and friend, the very charming and engaging owner of the salon—Giuseppe Franco himself—came over to chat. The recently divorced Giuseppe started to talk about dating, and how things had changed since he was last single. Of course, I always have a wealth of information on this topic, and as such, we started to banter away. I told him that most men in LA had lost the art of chivalry, and it was rare to find a gentleman who really knew how to treat a girl right.

My observation prompted Giuseppe to tell me the story of a female friend of his who went on a first date with a man and, at the end of the date, he looked at her and said ‘So, umm, should we split the bill?’ Giuseppe said he told his friend that if a guy does not pick up the tab, especially on a first date, then he is a SCHMUCK, and he advises all of his female friends to dump a guy when she see his first SCHMUCK MOVE.

Unfortunately, his friend was attracted to this man and really liked him, so she didn’t heed Giuseppe’s advice. On the second date, she ended up sleeping over. The following morning they went for a walk along Venice Beach, basking in the after-glow of hot sex. When they stopped to buy ice cream cones, and as he took his first lick of the soft-serve vanilla ice cream, he said, ‘Hey, can you pay, I forgot my wallet at home.’ Again, a classless SCHMUCK MOVE, and for this girl, the last time this guy was going to have an opportunity to make another SCHMUCK MOVE on her.

We all laughed and then my hairdresser-friend said, “Janell, tell Giuseppe about what happened to you last Saturday night.”

Janell’s tale of a premediated SCHMUCK MOVE

Last Saturday, a man I had met once before was in town from the east coast. I had met him a year prior at an event I’d attended, where I was seated next to him at dinner. We became Facebook friends and I got to know him via social media over the past year. He often flirted with me on Facebook; and even though I shut down his flirtatious attempts, he still seemed interested in making an attempt at friendship. He held himself to be a wealthy, educated, and connected individual; one who dabbled in politics and knew high-profile politicians. Even if this man lived in LA, although he had been interesting when I first met him, he would not be my type as I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all. Let’s just say he was a little too short, a little too wide, and a little too ‘Goombah Italiano’ for me.

When he knew he was going to be in LA for a few days, he reached out, saying that he would love to see me again. I couldn’t commit to anything too far in advance, as I had been sick with the flu, and told him to text me when he was in town. He, of course, texted me once he landed, telling me that he really, really, really wanted to meet up. I reasoned he was an interesting and connected person, and I enjoyed his social media posts, so what could be the harm in meeting up for a cocktail. So, I shifted my schedule around to accommodate his request, and agreed to meet him for an early drink at Craig’s at 6 pm.

On Saturday, he texted me at 5 pm to confirm I was still meeting up with him, and of course, being that I am not a flake, I confirmed and asked him to grab a seat for me at the bar if he got there before me. I was rushing around like mad to make the 6 pm start time, and by the time I arrived at Craig’s, I was starving as I hadn’t had time to eat lunch.

As we made chit-chat, I asked him if he wanted to split an appetizer. He informed me that, as he arrived before me, he had already eaten an order of Pigs in a Blanket, and was on his second basket of free bread, so he wasn’t hungry at all. (Ergo the reason for the little too wide bit in the above paragraph.) So I ordered a hamburger and a glass of wine.

Two hours later, after 2 strained hours of conversation—when I realized that I must have been drinking heavily at the event I met him at a year prior when I found him to be an interesting conversationalist—I was happy that he was ready to head back to his hotel, as even my natural ‘gift of gab’ was exhausting me trying to keep the conversation going. He then asked the bartender for the bill.

When the bill came, I looked at him and said “How much do I owe you?” Of course, me thinking he would likely be a gentleman and offer to pay, or at least buy me a drink, almost fell off my bar stool when he said, “I asked for separate tabs.”

Okay, so it wasn’t a date, and I had made it clear to him that we were just friends, but after he had all but begged me to find a way to meet up with him, I was truly shocked that he didn’t even offer to buy me a glass of wine. I mean, I had rearranged my schedule, and had gone out of my way to meet him. I had sat for two hours listening to him talk about his glamorous and ritzy life, but always trying to be a classy girl, had offered to pay my part. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so irritated by this whole adventure, and I really couldn’t put my finger on why I was so upset about the whole night. And that is when Giuseppe, who had been listening to my tale of woe, piped up and said “What a SCHMUCK, what a SCHUCK MOVE.”

And Giuseppe continued his explanation…

“This guy planned ahead of time that he wasn’t going to pay. It’s like he was driving over to meet ya, and thought to himself, I ain’t gonna pay for this dumb broad tonight, and so he got there early and set himself up to have his own tab. The guy’s a Dick… what a SCHMUCK MOVE. It was a premediated SCHMUCK MOVE on his part, what a loser!”

I realized that Giuseppe had, in his own ‘guy way’, explained to me what I had been trying to vocalize but couldn’t figure out or understand about why I was pissed off. I didn’t mind paying for my burger and glass of wine; I do it all the time anyway. It was just the whole premediated, separate tab, cheap–ass move on his part; a cheap-ass move that left me feeling like I had been bitch-slapped. I felt, umm, disrespected. Does that make any sense?

And do you know what? He probably thinks I am great. I was nice, I paid, I held it all together as gracefully as I could. But… Guess what? That one move on his part showed me his true colors, no wonder he is still single! He’s a cheap-ass! This one seemingly stupid SCHMUCK MOVE on his part had changed my impression of him, FOREVER.

So the moral of this SCHMUCK MOVE story is….

Manners are more important than money. I don’t care if you are rich or you are poor, but don’t sit there and talk about your ‘society lifestyle’ and all the famous people you know, and the ritzy part of town you live in, and then act like a cheap fucking loser.

Social media friends are not friends. They are people who watch your life through the looking glass you paint. You know who your real friends are and, for all I know, this man was not only cheap, but a fraud. I really learned my lesson here, and trust me, will never do this again. Even though I initially met him in real life, I truly did not know anything about him other than the words he said online and the pictures he posted.

Being a lady, acting classy is always the way to go in life. Never assume what someone will or won’t do. As the Girl Scouts learn early on, ‘Always be Prepared’: Always have your own way to pay, your own transportation, and your own exit strategy….SCHMUCK MOVE, exit stage left!

Single Awareness Day and 10 reasons it ROCKS

Single Awareness Day, February 15th, gives those of us who are still ‘single in the city’ our own special day to celebrate our singleness. I guess you could call it a make-up holiday for the day that falls just before February 15th, that stupid Cupid holiday called Valentine’s Day. February 14th, the day for lovers and love, the day when everywhere you turn, you are painfully reminded that you are still single, alone, and not in love: restaurants, movie theaters, parks… everywhere you look, people are holding hands and celebrating love. Meanwhile, your single-ass is hiding out at home, eating take-out, drinking copious amounts of red wine, and watching pathetic movies on the Lifetime network.

Even worse, when Valentine’s Day falls on a Saturday, which is already an unofficial date night, it is kind of like the universe is smacking single people with a double whammy dose of loneliness, resulting in universal ‘mass self-imposed pity-parties’ for one. It totally sucks being single on Valentine’s Day. TOTALLY!! But guess what? Don’t be sad, don’t be blue, because…. Single Awareness Day is waiting just for you!

On February 15th, once the cupid madness has died down, and after all the happy couples, and more likely than not, a shitload of unhappy couples— who pretended to be happy because it was fucking Valentine’s Day and they were forced to feign love on this day— have had their special day, you get a day just for you! So, how can you rock your special Single Awareness Day and make the most of it?

If you can, take the day off work and really enjoy your day. The rest of the world left early yesterday for their ‘v-day’ celebrations, you might as well make the most of your special day, right? And if you can’t take the day off, make sure you find a way to maneuver most of the 10 items listed below, and rock your Single Awareness Day, it’s your damn day, so make the most of it!

10 ways to Rock Single Awareness Day:

Start out with Breakfast in Bed – there is nothing like cozying up under your covers, sipping your morning coffee and getting ready to start your day. You don’t need someone to make you breakfast in bed, just grab your damn toast or pop tart and chomp away. Who cares if you eat toast in bed and you leave crumbs! It’s your own damn bed, so eat whatever you want. If you want a shot of Kahlua in your coffee, do it!

Go to the gym and have a long work out, steam, and enjoy the fact that you have all the time in the world to work out. You took the day off remember, so you are in no rush. Plus, you don’t have anyone you need to rush home to cook for or look after! You only need to look after you, and only having to worry about you truly is a stress free blessing.

Valentine’s Day Candy – yep, it’s in the stores waiting for you, at 50% off! Go get yourself your favorite chocolates and maybe splurge on some for your other single friends. Who cares if it is a chocolate covered cupid? Eat the little fucker! Devour the marshmallow chocolate covered heart! Suck the sayings off the sweet tart heart shaped candies! Enjoy!!!

Then, head to Victoria’s Secret, Agent Provocateur, Fredericks of Hollywood or whatever your favorite lingerie store is and buy yourself something that is sexy. Maybe something that is even outside of your comfort level for sexy. Because when you have sexy lingerie on, you can’t help but feel sexy in whatever you are wearing. And with a sexy attitude you will definitely draw eligible endorphins to you. Plus, isn’t it always better to buy your own lingerie so that it actually fits you? As you try on your choices and check yourself out in the mirror in the changing room stall, think of all those women out there whose men bought them ill-fitting, butt-faced-ugly, or skanky-hoe-inspired lingerie for Valentine’s Day, and be grateful you are not having to wear and pretend to feel sexy in that crap!

Why stop with lingerie! Get a new Single Awareness Day outfit! Rock that damn frock! Hey, you make your own money, no one can tell you where or how to spend your money. You are single and you get to buy whatever you want. You don’t have to check in with your husband or wife or lover in order to slap down that plastic card and indulge in a little ‘happiness in a bag’ shopping spree! Buy something new to wear! Indulge! Someone has to keep the economy going; it might as well be you!

Have a late lunch, by yourself. It is Single Awareness Day, and today, no one is going to give a crap if you are out by yourself; the dreaded V-Day is over! No more hiding. Ice cream, salad, pizza, champagne brunch – whatever it is that turns your tummy on to a happy buzz is where you need to be.

Plan an afternoon activity, something you have always wanted to do, something that perhaps you have begged your friends to do and they never wanted to do, so it just has stayed on that dusty-wish-list of ‘things you want to do’ list. So on Single Awareness Day, as Nike says –Just Do It. Do it, experience it, savor it, because today is your day, and who knows what tomorrow will bring. Remember, you don’t need to wait to share an adventure with someone, enriching your life is the most important thing you can do…. for you!

Okay, now this one is very important. At this point in your very indulgent day, you need to go and spend at least 90 minutes with one of your coupled friends, and if they have kids, count that as double bonus points in your single awareness day adventure. Because, after 90 minutes of someone else’s chaos—after you have been pampering your inner Single Awareness Day princess all damn day—you are going to have a new appreciation for the beauty and serenity of being single.

Dinner, movie, dinner and a movie – grab you friends and party it up! Get your single buds together and have a fun night out! Celebrate your friendships, as good friends are some of the most valuable gifts that we get in life. Treasure your friends. They are there to wipe your tears, support you, laugh with you, kick your ass when you need it, and love you. You see you have love, you really do. Love comes in so many ways, so never forget to embrace love it all its forms.

And lastly, as you head home, at the end of your Single Awareness Day, make sure you take time to call your mom, hug your puppy, feed your fish, and count your blessings. You may not have a romantic partner at this point in your life, but you have you. You have your freedom, your independence, and you have the choice to make your life happy. Be happy, as happiness glows, and a glowing heart will attract the perfect partner for you. When you love you, love your life, and are happy in yourself, that is when cupid’s arrow will find its way to you. I promise! At least that is the shit I tell myself!

And remember… Single Awareness Day, also known as S.A.D. also stands for Self-Appreciation Day. So… Happy Single Awareness Day y’all! Be fucking happy!

Below is an audio podcast link of the story for those who hate reading! If you like this story, please like it, share it and most importantly…laugh and love xo

Ten Reasons the Dating Pool Sucks in LA

How can the Dating Pool suck a city as large as Los Angeles? The combined population of the greater L.A. area is estimated at about 18 million people, and the city of Los Angeles alone boast around 4 million people. So you would think, in a city with 4 million people, that I could find a soul mate. I mean, it’s not like I am still living in Brandon Manitoba where only 46,000 people reside. With all of the millions of men out there, why the hell can’t I find just one?

Well….

#1 – DISTANCE is the DEVIL – In a town where 5 miles can take 50 minutes in traffic, distance becomes a real issue when dating. I was at an Oscar party and met a really cute AD (Assistant Director), who really liked me, and followed me around like a puppy dog all night. When I found out that he lived in Thousand Oaks, the friend I was with said, “Janell, you hate driving, especially on the freeways, do you really think that you are going to drive 30 miles to meet up with a guy?” He was cute, and I did think about it for a day or two, but truthfully, unless he had a helicopter pad at his house and was going to fly me in, this was a relationship that was never going to work.

For a minute, I’d even tried dating a guy in Santa Monica, and his place was only about 9 miles from my house. But, in rush hour traffic (between 3:30 and 7:30 pm) I could get lucky and make it in 50 minutes, or get unlucky and it could take 90 minutes. I hated the drive to him, and he hated the drive to me, and …well…we kind of ended up hating each other so ultimately, it didn’t matter. Driving to the airport and flying to see a guy in New York, sometimes seems easier than the 10 to the 405 to the….

#2 – PROXIMITY PRINCESS – Okay, because I hate to drive far distances, and since I prefer my quality free time not to be spent behind the wheel of my car – my princess mentality has kicked in, and I am really only now dating people who live in close proximity to my part of town. I am sticking to my five-mile radius, so to speak. That radius is composed of Beverly Hills, West Hollywood, Westwood and Culver City; four wonderful cities whose combined population is approximately is 155,000 people. Okay, not 4 million, but still bigger than the dating pool back in Brandon Manitoba. But there still seems to be a problem finding a mate, why?

#3 – DEMOGRAPHIC DISADVANTAGES – Assuming that half of the 155,000 people are men, that still gives me 77,000 potential men to pull from. However, West Hollywood is the Gay center of Los Angeles. As a result, I have many wonderful Gusbands, but in reality, my dating pool is now dwindled to about 60,000 eligible men.

#4 – MARRIED DUDES – Out of the remaining 60,000 men, how many of them are single? I am guessing by the number of married men I know, plus the ones that hit on me constantly, that at least half of them are married. As lonely as it can be when you are single, I am not into sharing my clothes – let alone my guy’s ‘junk’ – with another girl, so that brings down my dating pool to approximately 30,000 guys.

#5 – RICH PLAYER BOYS – Okay, so I do live in a high net-worth part of town. It is expensive as fuck to live here. Many of the men are so busy trying to build successful careers; that they don’t have time to invest real energy into fostering a relationship. So they become serial daters – going from one girl to the next – and whenever the girl starts to demand more from them then they can offer her, they dump her and head back on their serial dating path. Their focus is success – not relationships.

Plus, sex is easy for guys with money here. There are so many beautiful girls who come from all over the world to be famous; and when becoming famous is a harder task then they thought, many of these girls resort to, hanging out with wealthy men, just so they can support themselves. The RICH PLAYER BOYS are more than happy to ‘date’ these girls, and these relationships become guilt free hook-ups: men get sex; girls get security – becoming a guilt-free even exchange. If I were to guess, maybe a third of my eligible dating pool of men are RICH PLAYER BOYS, so now I am down to 20,000 guys.

#6 – STRUGGLING ARTIST – The ‘Industry’ as we Los Angelites like to refer to the ‘Entertainment Industry’, draws in as many talented, handsome and hot single men, as it does beautiful women. These guys spend their days and night waiting tables, driving Uber, or hell…working as escorts – all while honing their craft, and waiting for their big break to occur. What does this mean for me? It means that if I date one of them that I am likely going to be dating a broke boy (unless he is an escort, and that is just plain icky). And, after having dated my share of hot-cute-struggling hopefuls, I realized that at this point in my life, I need someone who has less problems than me. Therefore, my dating pool has now dwindled to about 15,000 men.

#7 – BOYTOYS – Cute, younger, men; guys who might be successful in their career, or not. Younger men – 10, 15 or 20 years younger – are always going be a visual distraction. Hello, I am human after all! Regardless, they are way too young to be taken seriously. Unless you want to be labelled a cougar – or just want to play – then the BOYTOYS are not an option. If you want a real relationship – like what I am searching for – a BOYTOY is only a distraction. As my ex-boyfriend once told me, “Janell, you need a man with a plan, not a boy who wants a toy.” So now, I likely have about, 10,000 potential prospects left in my dating pool.

#8 – OLD FUCKERS – Okay, sorry, but if too young is going nowhere, OLD FUCKERS are definitely going somewhere – like to a retirement home. Sure sure, they may have financial security, and can maybe pay for your dinners and buy you nice gifts. But do you really want to see them naked?? Do you really want to be looking for a car in the next decade or two that is wheelchair accessible? If you date someone who is 15 or 20+ years older than yourself, guess what? They are 15 to 20 years OLDER than you. So when you are 30, 45 or 50 year old men are still handsome and are distinguished looking; but imagine when you hit 60 – dating ‘Daddy’ takes on a whole new look….picture – GRANDPA!!! As I am looking for someone who can still dance, ski, and eat solid foods, I just can’t date an OLD FUCKER! So now, my dating pool is down to…SHIT – 5,000 men or less.

#9 – SHIKSA SHIT – One of the best things about Los Angeles is that we are a cultural melting pot of various ethnicities and religions. This makes for a wonderful diverse group of people, amazing cultural opportunities, and offers a vast array of fabulous restaurants and various foods at your fingertips. Plus, there are hot foreigners to date; intriguing worldly men who can introduce you to different ways of life and thinking. Sounds great, right?

Well, I am still an old-fashionied girl, and in my experience relationships work out better when it is the man who pursues the woman; so I tend to let the boys come to me. My five-mile radius happens to be very full of people from the Jewish faith – trust me, 80 percent of the men I have dated are indeed Jewish. And what has ended up happening? Most of them won’t marry me because I am not Jewish. But date, yeah dating the Shiksa is cool. And, the ones who have wanted to marry me ended up not being right for me. So, now I have to find a guy that doesn’t mind if I have a Christmas tree; that cuts my dating pool down again. FUCK…. I’m down to about 2500 men now.

#10 – So now, here I am with 2500 hopeful bachelors, somewhere in my age range and employed. I have to hope that out of that bunch of men, that: our paths will somehow cross in a city where everyone drives a block instead of walking; or we will bump into each in a city where people really don’t approach each other in real life; or we will magically be hanging out at the same gym-bar-restaurant and manage to meet. But if we do manage to meet, then I still have the hurdle of wanting to be attracted to him physically, finding him intellectually stimulating, and hoping that he is emotionally available.

Basically…. I AM FUCKED!

And the moral of this sucky LA Dating Pool story is:

Dating is hard everywhere, and just because the population is higher doesn’t necessarily mean that your chance of finding your perfect match is any easier.

Plus, unless I am going to date outside of my five mile-radius, and deal with long drives and less free time – I had better change my name to ‘patience.’

And speaking of patience, the more I read, write and think, as I write this BLOG, the more I realize that the right person will come into your life when you are the best you YOU can be. So maybe it doesn’t really matter how many men you have to choose from. Maybe it only matters that you chose yourself and let the rest fall into place.

Below is the audio link for those who prefer to listen! Added photos this time! I hope you enjoy! If you like this story please like on Facebook or share with a friend. Have a great week! 🙂

Single in the City is a new addition to my blog stories ‘#Single In The City Fabulous Finds’ for everyone out there who is…..

#Single and on a budget #Coupled and on a budget #Wealthy and likes a good deal (was gonna say cheap, but nah!) #Visitors to Los Angeles who are shocked that a glass of wine is the price of a tank of gas #Y’all

My 5th Single in The City Fabulous Find goes to…..dah dah dah dad..!

Cecconi’s Happy Hour West Hollywood

Cecconi’s Happy Hour Menu!

WHY? When you find out that one of Hollywood’s hottest haunts – has a happy hour brimming with selections from their Northern Italian inspired menu – the WHY becomes a – WHY NOT!

When you walk into Cecconi’s restaurant, entering through the charming outdoor patio and into the bar area where the Happy Hour is served – the calming blue leather chairs, the white marble bar top, and the light streaming through the large windows makes you feel instantly at peace. But once inside this pretty space, the energy of the patrons busily chatting away at the bar, or at the side tables, makes you feel like old Hollywood has met and married new Hollywood, and the result is an eclectic design with a vibe of beautiful people.

The happy hour crowd is bustling, and if you aren’t lucky enough to find a seat at the bar, the maître d will offer you a side table (or rumor has it, a patio table if you’re sweet) as long as you are finished before the evening reservations commence. And why is it hard to get a spot at the bar?

With a Happy Hour Menu priced with items starting at 4 dollars, and the most expensive items priced at 7 dollars, and with an assortment of good wines and cocktails also priced in the 4 to 7 dollar price range – you can image that this place is hopping. My friend and I decided to try the white wine first; the Chenin Blanc was refreshing and clean – a delight. The Burrata, Wild Arugula & Avocado Salad was sublime, and I loved the crunchy chunky beet bits mixed within. We also tried the Avocado & Chickpea Dip Crudité, and considering it was an extremely healthy choice, it tasted delicious.

At this point, we were pretty content, as the portions were huge. But, we were having such a great time – and the prices seemed almost unbelievable (This is LA after all!) – so I chose to have a glass of the Barbera, as red seemed like a good choice to go with the Fontina Black Truffle Burger I decided I just had to try. My friend chose the Porchetta, Artichoke, Mushroom & Fontina Pizzetta and stayed with the Chenin Blanc, as it truly was perfection.

The Truffle Burger was full size – not a tiny ‘mini-happy-hour-burger’- and the Barbera was smooth; the wood fire pizza was made from scratch and my friend said it was fab! Everything we sampled was yummy, and Zack, our waiter, was a delight. We both left full, relaxed, and I can’t wait to go back!

WHEN? The Happy Hour Menu is available from Monday through Saturday, 4 to 7 pm.

WHERE? On the corner of Melrose and Robertson Boulevard, on the East side of the street, this somewhat hidden hangout has a small drive through where the valet will be happy to take your car. During the day, believe it or not, the Valet is free, but if you are coming for Happy Hour, the price from 4pm on is $10 – so if you are budget conscious, there is a ton of street parking in the area.

WHO? The Who is more like a ‘Who’s Who list of Hollywood mixed in with Hollywood B’s and Hollywood Wannabe’s. The packed crowd of hip, cool, mainly industry oriented peeps, is a great mixing place for anyone who works in the Entertainment Industry, or anyone who wants to bump elbows with someone who does. Plus this area feeds off the Design District, and the fashionable shopping neighborhoods of Melrose Avenue and Robertson Boulevard. Basically, Cecconi’s is a melting pot of cool, artistic, fashionable, hip people – so dress to impress, or dress down in denim – it’s kind of like whatever makes you feel alive and great about being you, will bring you the good energy that will make you feel comfy and relaxed in Cecconi’s space.

WONERLAND WUNDERLIST – Cecconi’s makes my ‘Wonderland Wunderlist’ for many reasons. First, they offer a top notch, high quality, happy hour menu, and as a single girl on a budget, being able to dine and drink at one of the finer restaurants in town for around 25 dollars, is … AMAZING!

Also, I love when restaurants are accommodating, and during Happy Hours most chefs will not do any substitutions of any kind. So, this Gluten free girl (Celiac sucks!) was very happy when my Truffle Burger came bun free, with a nice lettuce wrap instead!

As well, Cecconi’s is part of the private Soho House collection, so even though this restaurant is open to the public, many of the Soho House patrons dine here; as such, Cecconi’s has somewhat of a ‘private social club’ feel to it. I love going to Soho House, partly because of the atmosphere and eclectic energy the members create. Cecconi’s imitates this exclusivity to a degree, and if you aren’t lucky enough to be a Soho House Member, Cecconi’s is the next best place to be.

And lastly, single budget taking heavily into consideration, this place is great for singles in general. I couldn’t help but notice that the bar was packed with as many handsome hotties as beautiful babes – a rarity in LA – where women normally seem to outnumber men, or at least it seems that way to a ‘still single’ me!

#SingleInTheCity – Malibu Wine Safari

Single in the City is a new addition to my blog stories ‘#Single In The City Fabulous Finds’ for everyone out there who is…..

#Single and on a budget #Coupled and on a budget #Wealthy and likes a good deal (was gonna say cheap, but nah!) #Visitors to Los Angeles who are shocked that a glass of wine is the price of a tank of gas #Y’all

My 4th Single in the City Fabulous Find goes to….dah dah dah dah….

Malibu Wine Safari

WHY? Imagine…… being whisked away to an exotic location with gorgeous ocean views, mountainous valleys and hillsides lined with vineyards; where the warm sun relaxes you while the gentle ocean breeze tousles your hair; where amazing African animals roam so close to you that you can often actually touch them – all while enjoying the ‘medicinal’ effects of a full bodied glass of cabernet. Now, imagine that all of this is near …….Los Angeles.

Oh no, did I just ruin your mental image? I bet I did! Impossible you say!!! If something this fabulous were somewhere in the LA region you would have known about it. As it turns out, just outside of the bustling city of Angeles, in Malibu, lies this little known treasure – Malibu Wine Safari – Three magical words are far as I am concerned: Malibu……Wine…..and Safari.

The Semler family’s estate, Saddlerock Ranch, is the playground for this mystical day. You likely already have heard of their award winning Saddleback and Semler vintages, but did you know that Stanley the Giraffe and Raffiki the new born Zebra inhabit this 1000 acre plus escape as well?

It was on family Safari trip to Africa, where the Semler family participated in an African Wine Safari, which gave them the impetus to recreate this enchanting adventure. A family where 6 of their 9 children live in homes on what – is the largest parcel of land in Malibu – and a family who had already started to amass various exotic creatures due to their love of animals – decided to increase their herd and create a Safari experience for us Cali folks. Saddlerock Ranch is now home to a variety of exotic animals, many rescued, and live and are lovingly taken care of in this immense, safe space where free roaming is not an issue.

So if you want a fun, relaxing afternoon adventure in a Safari jeep, sipping up to 6 fleets of different wines and experiencing exotic animals up close – so close in fact you can actually feed and pet some of them – then I say the Why in this story is a Why Not!

WHEN? Depending on your schedule and need there are multiple Safari adventures to choose from with varying prices and times. Family Safaris are only available weekdays. On weekends you have to be at least 21 years of age, as you taste 6 different fleets of wine – 3 white and 3 red- at stops during the Safari. The Safari ends at Malibu Wines Tasting Room where there is live music, dancing and picnickers of all ages – and bottles of wines are freely poured and purchased.

WHERE? Located on Mulholland Highway – about 45 minutes to 1 hour from Beverly Hills to this scenic Malibu refuge – and once you arrive, you feel like you are on vacation in a foreign land. Also, if you want to enjoy the city of Malibu and aren’t a picnic person, then no fear ….Nobu Malibu is only about 15 minutes away. And if think you might indulge in little too much vino, and you have some cash to spare, they have a helicopter pad for those ‘Donald Trump’ types in the crowd.

Has never had the experience of seeing and perhaps touching a camel up close…

Has not experienced the majesty of ‘Stanley the Giraffe’ as he walks towards you and towers above you, his beautiful eyelash enhanced eyes gently peering down at you as you caress his neck and feed him bananas or carrots…

For anyone who enjoys life, appreciates beauty, loves wine, and needs an escape…

For Everyone!

Wonderland Wonderlist:On top of all of the magic described above – the yummy wine, the beautiful and wonderful magical animals that are lucky enough to call this place home, and the gorgeous scenic views – Malibu Wine Safari makes my Wonderland Wonderlist for another VERY important reason.

As a girl who is ‘#Single in the City’, I have to say the outdoor Safari Wine Tasting Room was a melting pot of people (dressed up or dressed down), all happy and dancing and enjoying life – and a perfect way to meet a potential new date. Hey, if a girl can meet someone wearing sneakers, cut-offs, a t-shirt and pig tails and make up free – and they think you are cute, then they are either really into you or…. tipsy. Regardless, a happy carefree person is an attraction magnet. Plus can you imagine how pleasantly surprised they will be when they see you wearing makeup, heels and a cocktail dress?

Single in the City is a new addition to my blog stories ‘#Single In The City Fabulous Finds’ for everyone out there who is…..

#Single and on a budget #Coupled and on a budget #Wealthy and likes a good deal (was gonna say cheap, but nah!) #Visitors to Los Angeles who are shocked that a glass of wine is the price of a tank of gas #Y’all

My 3rd ‘Single in the City Fabulous Find’ goes to….dah dah dah dah…..

Toca Madera

8450 W 3rd St, Los Angeles, CA 90048 (323) 852-9400

Why? Mexican food; I love Mexican food. I love Mexican food even more when it is at Happy Hour prices! So when a swank-hip-organic-farm to table- Mexican restaurant opened up in my hood, I couldn’t wait to try it. When I walked into Toca Madera, I was initially blown away by the design and décor. From the dark wood, eclectic art, and soft velvet purple cushioned seats, to the outside garden patio – the ambiance felt like an escape from LA.

The eight dollar well-composed Happy Hour menu had plentiful options to choose from. My friend and I decided to share a couple of items and we also elected to order the Guacamole from the regular menu for 12 dollars, as what is Mexican Food without Guac? The Guacamole came with a basket of homemade plantains, which perfectly complemented the tiny pieces of pomegranate sprinkled on top giving the Guacamole a refreshing flavor. I have to say the Grilled Cilantro Chicken Tacos were the best I have ever eaten; the homemade organic corn taco shells were soft and literally melted in my mouth. The Sweet Corn Tamales were tasty and light, the salsas on the side were incredible. I can vouch for the Happy Hour House Red, also for 8 dollars, as it was full bodied, and I am thinking my friend loved the ‘Toca Margarita’, as he drank two.

Chef Raymond Alvarez’s varied creations were filling and delicious. Toca Madera’s shared plate concept made it easy for us to split a couple of items, and I can honestly say we both were full when we left.

When? Tuesday through Sunday from 5 to 7 pm. (The restaurant is closed on Mondays!)

Where? On Third Street about a block and a half east of La Cienega Boulevard. You will need to drive slowly as the large wooden door where this eclectic, sexy, yummy restaurant is hidden, is not easy to spot. Just look for the Valet outside, it is the only one on the South side of the street. Plus there is street parking in the surrounding blocks if you drive past it!

Who? With multiple businesses and let’s not forget the Beverly Center and Cedars Sinai Hospital in walking distance, the Happy Hour Crowd is diverse. By 5:10, the bar was packed with people of all ages, happily drinking their day’s travails away. The atmosphere had a club like vibe to it, so it was easy to mingle and meet people, which makes being single in the city- that much easier! In the corner, there is a Photo Booth which is next to a DJ box, where every night a DJ comes and spins music. I can’t wait to come back here at night with a group of friends!

Wonderland Wunderlist – Toca Madera make my ‘Wonderland Wunderlist’ for many reasons. Firstly organic food just tastes better, and of course the fresh ingredients makes for yummy bites. Secondly, I love the mix of the restaurant-club-hangout – the warm yet funky vibe they have going on in this place. It is unique and makes it easy to relax and have fun. And lastly, I love, LOVE, LOVE that they also have Vegan and Gluten free menu options. Basically, there is something for everyone here which makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to go out with my friends when I am Celiac (I can’t eat Gluten), I have friends who are Vegan, I have others who are picky…..you get the picture, LA girls at our ‘best’….can all find something to make them happy here. Are you listening guys? It’s a great place to take a date, trust me…she will find something she likes to eat here!

Single in the City is a new addition to my blog stories ‘#Single In The City Fabulous Finds’ for everyone out there who is…..

#Single and on a budget #Coupled and on a budget #Wealthy and likes a good deal (was gonna say cheap, but nah!) #Visitors to Los Angeles who are shocked that a glass of wine is the price of a tank of gas #Y’all

Why? Happy Hours – I love Happy Hours. Budget or no budget a good deal is a good deal. I am not sure about you, but my eyes light up when I see words like ‘caviar’ and ‘truffle’. So when a ‘Bites’ menu of beautiful food, prepared exquisitely, with high quality ingredients is available for ‘me-affordable’ prices that range from 7 to 11 dollars….this girl is going to find it in the city! On top of the happy hour selections, don’t forget to look at the regular menu. The Parmesan Truffle Fries for $10 are the best fries I have ever eaten, thick steak fries cooked to perfection and dripping with flavor. If you like wine, the Cabernet Sauvignon has legs…yes actual legs; you don’t feel like you are drinking watered-down Two Buck-Chuck; the Chardonnay is buttery and refreshing. Also, their handcrafted cocktails are almost too pretty to drink…notice, I said ‘almost.’

Parmesan Truffle Fries are simply Beyond Delicious!

When? With options for both the ‘Foodie’s and Foodie-Not’s in the crowd, this ‘fancy feeding frenzy’ is available Monday through Friday from 4 to 7 pm.

Where? Hard to imagine, but it’s located in the heart of Beverly Hills. So if you get tired of shopping on Rodeo Drive you can head west one block and relax in the bar or reserve a place on the patio where Happy Hour treats are served. And if you just want a cocktail to pump you up for more strenuous shopping, don’t forget to ask for a basket of the Truffle Parmesan Popcorn. Your mouth will thank you! The best thing about this location is that the bar and the patio sit on a corner, and is constructed in a fashion where – even without the benefits of alcohol – you will feel completely relaxed. The warm sun and breeze flow through the bar, giving the entire place a great vibe and energy. I feel like I am on vacation when I am there, far away from the stresses of LA life …..yes, before you go there…EVEN BEFORE I HAVE A COCKTAIL!

Who? For anyone who likes to eat great food. For anyone who wants to watch sports on the big-screen TVs in the bar and eat great food. For anyone who is single and looking to mingle, as the bar is often packed with people who work in the area – a diverse crowd ranging from agents, to business owners, lawyers, to shop clerks, visitors to LA and of course Celebrities….

Wonderland Wunderlist – Okay, so this makes my ‘wonderland wunderlist’ because, if you read my first blog entry called ‘Surviving Sushi’ you know how much I hate the taste and texture of raw fish. So even though I might not want a piece of Yellowtail Sashimi, I can meet a sushi lover here and we can still both find something we like to eat because, along with the ‘Bites’ Happy Hour menu, there is a ‘Sushi’ happy hour menu full of great affordable choices of all things Sushi. Personally for me, this is a great spot for a first date because I can still have a nice glass of wine, some yummy fish tacos or beef sliders, and my date can eat all the raw fish he likes. Plus he won’t have to endure the ‘squished-up-unhappy-hungry-looking face’ that he would have seen had he dragged me to a Sushi joint – hmmmm, maybe more second dates will be in my future!

Single in the City is a new addition to my blog stories ‘#Single In The City Fabulous Finds’ for everyone out there who is…..

#Single and on a budget #Coupled and on a budget #Wealthy and likes a good deal (was gonna say cheap, but nah!) #Visitors to Los Angeles who are shocked that a glass of wine is the price of a tank of gas #Y’all

Why? It has an amazing happy hour from 4 to 6pm, and from 9pm to closing. With a happy hour menu full of delicious homemade Italian treats all for the totally ‘me-affordable’ price of 6 dollars, plus delicious quality food, what’s not to like? Not to forget the 7 dollar carafe’s of red or white wine, did you hear me…..carafe’s…not like the wee little shot glasses that you get at most happy hours (you know, where you have to drink five to get a little happy?!?)

When? Every God Damn Day Monday through Sunday….Woo Hoo!

Where? On the cool hip street Robertson, the cute patio is a great place for a bite after some frenzied ‘me-affordable’ sale shopping, or at the bar in the evening after a movie or after a party where the ‘trays of passed nibbles’ were either never passed, or were devoured by the mob who were lucky enough to be standing by the kitchen as the food came out……

Who? Anyone who likes homemade pasta (shocking to find out that most of the expensive Italian restaurants don’t make their own pasta – ask, you will see what I mean); Anyone who likes quality food (Chef’s Guiseppe Gentile and Nicola Mastronardi both from Italy and to Il Fico via Vincente’s in Brentwood); and FYI, Anyone with a little extra change in their pocket, as their regular menu is totally sick (in a good way) with seriously the best Pizza in town!

Wonderland Wunderlist – On top of all of this, it makes my ‘Wonderland Wunderlist’ because not only does it boast a completely gluten free menu on top of the regular menu (great for us Celiacs and Gluten sensitive) but also because…… if I want to indulge in two carafe’s of red wine, I can still safely sway the three blocks home in my three inch heels….