Progress... but not so much...

I know that this is going to be a long post and a lot of it may be repetitive and seem trivial and silly. However, I know that if anyone were to understand my mind and the way that I over-think everything and feel extreme anxiousness to the point of attacks, that it would be you guys. So I figure that I might as well try and reach out: maybe one of you will help me calm my nerves as I have been unable to figure out how to myself yet.

I just moved to a new town a little over a month ago with my fiance. He is the only person that I know here. Before we moved here, we were living in a small town where it was nearly impossible for me to find any work. So, after applying to a ton of places.. I just accepted defeat and sat at home for those two years while my boyfriend was away at college and working with his internship. With the exception of occasional visits with friends and family that live states away, I have not interacted with anyone other than my fiance for about two and a half years.

The last job that I had was the summer before I dropped out of high school. This was over three years ago at a daycare center doing clerical work. When I did work there, I felt constant fear of being judged and messing up. I called in sick many times during those three months because of my anxiety being too bad that I could not convince myself to go into work. I dropped out of high school because I had spent the past 3 years skipping class more often than I attended. I was too afraid to go to class, so I just avoided it at all costs. I ended up coming back to the united states and getting my GED.

Anyway, now that you have somewhat of a background on how my behavior has been avoidant and my self-esteem has been low for the past many years, I will get to the topic of this post.

We live in a bigger town and I decided that it was time to do something for myself. While sitting around at home was relaxing and I feel content and at ease... I know that this is not good for me in the long run. I am not getting better; only worse. The less that I interact with people, the better I may feel now.. but the worse my anxiety is going to get in the future. So, I went applying for jobs.

I got called in for an interview at Walmart for Overnight Stocking. I had two interviews in one day and they were successful, so I went for my drug test. When I got a call back this past Monday telling me that I had passed, Orientation was scheduled for Tuesday. Orientation went well and I learned the history of Walmart and the safety procedures and I got my schedule.

My first official night of working is tonight. However, I feel that during Orientation.. I was not told anything that I need to know about my job. I do not know what I am going to be doing whatsoever. I don't know what my job description entails. I do not know what area of the store I am going to be stocking. I do not know how to go about disposing of spills, messes or what to do with the boxes once they are emptied. I do not know how to operate any of the machines. I know nothing about what I have to do.. and that makes my anxiety that much worse. I hate going into a situation and not knowing what to expect of it. I am assuming tonight is going to be my night of training. But I have no idea what they are going to teach me and I am terrified that they are going to think that I am less than or incompetent because I have no idea of what I am doing.

This has been the only thing that I have been able to think about since Orientation. I even had a panic attack over it a couple of hours ago. I worry that I am going to be making my drive into work today and have a panic attack on the ride there.. and that absolutely terrifies me more than anything. I have gotten to the point where I have started convincing myself that I shouldn't even go into the job and that this is all a mistake.

Anyone ever worked as an overnight stocker at Walmart before? What does the job entail, in detail?

Any advice on how to calm my nerves?

My shift starts at 10 and ends at 7. When do I know when to take my lunch? What should I bring for lunch? I am afraid of eating in the breakroom because people may judge me.

Hi! Take a moment to examine how you currently feel: Scared, nervous, anxious...on the verge of panicking-right?! Take a mental snap shot of this state. NOW take a deeeep breath, pause, and slowly exhale. Focus on your breathing and how you currently feel. Keep slowly breathing....inhaling, pausing and exhaling until you feel calm. As you slowly breathe, your body will begin to relax. This will send signals to your mind that you're now in a more relaxed state. Breathe until your calm. Make a mental snapshot of this state....this is where you mentally want to be most of the time.

The question is. How do you get in that state when you're around people? The key is to understand how it feels when you're agitated and when you're calm and to bring yourself back to the calm state. To do this, you need to add one more piece-positive thinking.

Your mind, is too focused on YOU and how others are a threat to YOU. Tell yourself that everything will work out and that it is OKAY to make mistakes. Everyone does. Take deep breaths and slowly exhale. As you do this and continue to positive self talk, you will notice that you're going back to a calm state-Around People-WOW!

This takes practice....and don't be afraid to make mistakes. Remember, you (we) are beautiful souls. Take the focus off yourself, see people as positive opportunities to connect, focus on your breathing and self talk when you get anxious and you will slowly be more calm AND more in the moment.

You will be just fine, mistakes and all! Good luck and good for you for putting yourself out there!