Friday, April 20, 2012

I feel lousy right now
And that's why I need You here somehow
Although sometimes I've vowed
To never think bad or look down
On my circumstances and whereabouts
Somehow I just end up sitting here in a sulk

I hold myself from blaming ministry
From blaming the situations I'm in
Or the circumstances I get thrown into
Looking back it seems like I've grown a lot
But how much have I actually grown?

The talk with mom this morning
Was very very eye opening
Events and before the beginning of me and deb
History untold kept tight and unfold
Suddenly like a ram with tiny unseen cracks
Bursting out in a full force measure
Something I can't quite take and swallow
Rushing waters at a speed so fast
Emotions go untame but I stay in control
I need to be strong

To grow up I should
Thinking of the way and the journey this far
It has not been easy and I'm amazed at the outcome
God is good.
God is soveriegn.
And He knows best.

But regret does come in
Was I ever a good older sister?
An obedient daughter?
Sometimes I wished to redeem myself
But the pass is the pass
No point crying over spilt milk
Or undoing what had already been done
Or doing what is undone
Wait, I can still do the latter!

So there I was sucked up in the mesh of emotions
Should I go home? Go over to Dad's? Or go for prayer?
None of which I momentarily preferred

Started pacing around
Something not good at all
Then I started talking to You
Tried to praise You in song but words didn't come out
Figuring out the words of a song in my head
How did it go again?
And there it was like a wind that hits so fast
Goosebumps all over my arms and legs
Not unlike anything that has never happened before
But something so new and fresh, raw yet real
You caught me offguard with that speed You were coming at
I stand amazed
You don't need to hear words off my lips
Yet You read what's written on my heart
Right there in the centre of Your awe-inspiring presence
Letting me realize that You're here for me
You've always been
Making me feel so even more sure that
I need You............ desperately.

I look at the fan above us
Hearing the squeaking sound it makes
Trying not to picture the loose wires inside
Afraid that it would not hold and just fall

I look at his wardrobe's four legs
Two of them missing
Though leaned on the wall
How does it hold weight still standing?

I look at the carpet we're sitting on
Sponge-less arrayed with ugly holes
A bug ripped of it's wings or a giant ant?
How long has it made it its deathbed?

I look at his work shirt I bought him
New it should still be looking
But ball pen stains trickled his chest pocket
Looking like a sentimental shirt grandpas can't let go off

I look at the pants he's wearing
Thought he shortened one of his old long ones
Turned out to be trash being rid off
From a housemate he chased out

I look at his legs
Pains me to see them all scratched and skinny
The impact, motions and toughness they went through
Trying to erase the mental picture of him in a wheelchair

As I sit there and listen, to the "good" news, the bad news and the becoming's of him. I can't help to slightly giggle and laugh-an uncontrollable me. Smirking in defeat, not the kind where you feel superior, but the kind tinged with a semi-sigh, I think to myself for the first time, are all this for real? For that split second as subconsciousness entered my conscience, "Is this real? Am I dreaming? Is this virtual or reality? I feel like I'm watching a drama unfold before me". I think to myself, wondering whether these is all that I've been through for more than 2 decades of my life, not like I'm on the outside looking in, but more like being behind a production complete with video cameras and lights, the umbrella thingy's for proper lighting and the long head mics above. Virtual happenings turned believable reality. Catching myself from entering a subtle building of hallucination, I realize that this was my defense mechanism, an on-off button flipping at any right moment, adapting to the present environment. Not allowing fear to enter in, I brushed off the harmful thoughts that tried to protect me, thoughts that came in out of a certain "nowhere", disguising itself as a form of defense, tricking me into a battlefield where my side of the battle was many times lost, the Battlefield of the Mind.

Snapping myself out of the subconsciousness creeping into my conscious, I craft my swift prayer as thoughts, "God, I trust in You. I don't know when or how he'll ever change, but I put my trust in You. But even the word trust right now, has an ambiguous meaning for me. What does trust actually mean? I shall google it later. Do I put trust in You for his eternal destiny? Or do I trust in the trust that I'm putting in You? Whether that trust is actually trusting you in the first place or just a word I've come to learned through people and church? Do I even know what it means or how it feels to TRUST? ". And then fear accompanied by slight flickers of the words 'future' and 'work' comes in and I put a stop to it before it went too far. I need to trust God right now even if I don't truly understand, especially with the half-here-not-there kinda state I was in. I reasoned to myself knowing that I have gone passed the "Why me?" stage of my family circumstance, but now it has gone to "It is really me and what shall I do about it and how can I see God work with me through it?" Reality hits and every negative thought of it being a mind game dissipates.

This I've learned, that I need to take control of my conscious thinking and also my subconscious. To not allow virtual thinking grab hold of my reality turning it into an "acceptable" comfort-covered disgusting lie. I need to submit my thoughts to God and give Him the control of everything and anything that's happening in me and around me, to trust in Him even though earthly situations don't align. That even though I may not know fully how to, by faith I shall do, surrendering my thoughts, my plans, my future, my life into His hands, and especially the people that means the most to me. To understand that He is ALL-KNOWING, knowing what runs through my head whether it's the conscious, subconscious, virtual or reality.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Treasure Hunt tonight was mind-blowing! I don't know where to start. We got different clues and so many hits! It however didn't start on a high note for me. I accidentally got locked out of my room and had no access to my keys, phone, purse and bag. " How would I write down my clues without a pen and notebook?" Looked at the time and decided against the hassle of getting a spare key from the guards cos it was late and I didn't want to be late. Had thoughts, comments and doubts about Treasure Hunting because the flesh came in. Bumped into a friend who said that my state was exactly what Jesus told the disciples to do when they went out taking nothing for their journey except a staff- no bread, no bag, no money and wear sandals but not an extra shirt. The humour and irony :P

So I rushed off for a quick dinner with a dear friend and walked to church. Was asked to be a leader this night and I had 3 others in my team. Was a but frightful. Prayed individually and received different clues. Got together and combined our clues which were separated into 5 categories: Name, needs, appearance, location and others. We had blue shirt, blue slippers, i phone, cancer, stomach ache, loose (something, anything like hair or shoelace) , the color red etc. Location was Jusco!

The moment we entered Jusco, there were so many red signs and people in blue shirts everywhere!!! Where do we start? We found our first treasure- blue shirt, blue slippers with an i phone in hand. Come on!! Showed him the clues we wrote down earlier and with hands on hips he asked, " So how do you all get this ah?" It is GOD! Asked him whether he had any pain, he had a stomach ache the previous night. We offered to pray for him but he was reluctant and said it was fine. Although we didn't get to pray for him, we walked out of that shop faith boosted knowing there were greater things ahead.

We then went to the lower ground and one team member immediately pointed to 2 girls passing by who looked familiar. They didn't resemble any of our clues but we felt a leading. After chasing them down, we found out they were friends of some friends who were Christians too. And we shared with them John 15 about the vine and branches and it was very timely for them. They were both serving in church, leading actually in worship and dance and were seeking further directions and these were God's confirmation for them. As I was watching them, tears just welled up in my eyes and I did not understand. God then revealed that He was so please with them that He was filled with tears of joy for them. Released it to them and they had tears too. They were so encouraged and encouraging at the same time that I could not believe it. Found more mutual friends and common ground throughout our conversation and by the way, we realized earlier that one girl was holding a red bottle and the other holding a red bag in which the red bag clue was confirmed and written on our team mates paper. They were part of our treasures!!! They told us that they have heard of these but never thought that they would actually be real "treasure" actually hunted down. God speaks to believers and pre-believers alike and Treasure Hunt is for all!

Another significant one is where we met 3 very interested Iranians. As we were chatting with them introducing ourselves and telling them about our clues, I felt urged to ask about a family need. We told them that God wants to bless them and we would like to pray for them asking them for prayer requests. To our surprise they gave very specific ones. One guy asked for prayer for his brother in Iran who had.....cancer! One of my clue! I couldn't believe it! His girlfriend had stomach aches and her brother had a problem with his visa. Talked to them more and got to know them better. They were interested in coming to church! Prayed for them, changed contacts and saw them leave with big smiles on their faces. It's amazing the way God works so Divinely, am in total awe of His manifesting power!

Good Crazy things didn't just happen with our team. There were teams who prayed for a person in a wheel chair who felt heat in her legs, another who left early but came back suddenly saying " I feel like I'm going to fly and this heat in my heart" tell me what the bible says and so much more! I feel that there is really a great breakthrough in the spiritual atmosphere and all this happened just as doubt crept into my mind about Treasure Hunt. Amazing how God works and throws up back on perspective ay?

It would be too long a blogpost if I write down everything and the way I feel but I believe this is just a start of the many blogsposts on the more Treasure Huntings to come. Have your way dear Lord! I want to be Your Treasure Hunter and a true believer! Come on, more Lord!

Treasure Hunts incorporates the use of words of knowledge (clues) that you write on your Treasure Map to find Treasures (people) who need a supernatural encounter with God through an encouraging prophetic word or healing. This is not about preaching or arguing with people, but rather giving them a practical demonstration of the goodness of God. Treasure hunts are a great tool for those who have felt intimidated by witnessing to family members, friends, co-workers, and those in the community. Through this fun and easy method you become empowered with confidence and competence to bring supernatural encounters to people around you. Through treasure hunts you can become a world changer, transforming your community one encounter at a time!