Being new to Motherhood

New to this mommy thing…

I have always said, I wanted to adopt and maybe have one biological child. But of course, I met the love of my life, and now I am a mom of an 8 month old.

You see..

I never really saw myself as a mom.

I guess I just always thought that I would never be a good mom to begin with. I enjoyed doing my own thing, playing soccer whenever I pleased. But that all quickly changed. I have been blessed. Once I met Blake, we both instantly knew we were made for each other. Then shortly after living together we found out we were pregnant. During that pregnancy I was very self conscious. Never have I ever been that big. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. But, I learned to love my body during those 9 months. Reason being, I am growing a little human in my belly!

What is not to love about that!?

Carter was born, and instantly things for me were different. I finally registered that I have officially become a mother. I am now responsible for another human being. After two months of staying home with my newborn, It was time to go back to my desk job. Honestly I did not want to return, after only eight weeks with my first son. All I wanted was to stay home and bond with him, watch him grow and do new things. However, that was not an option at that time. With the help of my mom and dad, they babysat Carter while Blake and I had to work.

Four months of work, four long months of having my parents watch our son, missing his first tooth, missing him crawl for the first and many other things.

It started to take a toll on Blake and I.

Finally, season has started for Blakes business, (he is an organic farmer), he finally tells me

“ Put your two weeks in”.

He reassures me we will be fine many many times, and so I did just that. I put my two weeks in at my job. No one really tells you that staying at home is not as easy as others make it seem. OH MY GOSH is it not only HARD but you yourself tend to go a little crazy. Not going to lie, I easily thought “OHH I get to stay home and now I can keep the house clean, do the dishes, do the laundry, do this do that etc”, I was completely wrong!

I don’t even have time for myself. I mean half the time I don’t even realize that I haven’t eaten anything all day until Blake gets home from working at the farm and that’s at 9pm most of the time.

I was in over my head, staying at home has showed me a lot about myself. I absolutely love the fact that I get to stay home with my little man. I get to all the cuddles, I get to watch him grow, and learn new things. But you get to thinking, am I really doing whats best for my son? For my family?

As I am writing, Carter is sleeping on my chest after a snack and a bath. There’re clean clothes that needs to be put away. Dirty dishes in the sink and clean dishes needing to be put where they belong from the dishwasher.

Am I failing at being a mom? at being a homemaker? At being a girlfriend?

These are the thoughts that have been constantly going through my mind since staying home.