Celebrity Big Brother has returned to our screens, and the house – a gaudy residence for celebrity washouts – is occupied once again.

This series is no different to any other in terms of its clientele. The cesspit – sorry, the house – boasts a wealth of Page 3 girls, ex- soap stars, and various other non-entities that nobody really recognizes.

There were a few surprises in the line-up this year though, such as Julian Clary (surely he wouldn’t stoop so low?) and Ashley McKenzie (he’s an Olympian, which means he has talent – an unusual quality for any Big Brother contestant).

Samantha Brick: too beautiful for telly? (image: Channel 5)

As for Samantha Brick, I wasn’t surprised to see her enter the house – but I was intrigued. I eagerly tuned into the show to see how she’d interact with other people, and to find out whether she’d try to redeem herself for her ridiculous articles or, alternatively, get into brutal cat fights with her model housemates.

Sadly, so far she’s just been a bit of a bore. In fact, every housemate has displayed the usual tedious behaviour of their predecessors. As is the norm with each series, contestants either gather like crows in the smoking area, bitch behind each others’ backs, flirt outrageously, make false friendships, or work out in the garden. Yawn.

Don’t you know who I am? Err, nope.

The Page 3 brigade are up to their usual tricks too, and are parading around the place with their myriad plastic parts. The site of fake boobs, hair extensions and collagen lips feels like a crass attack on my eyes, to the point where every time I watch the programme I actually feel nauseous.

Having said all that, I must keep watching, if only to moan about it right here on Tellyscope. After all, the last series with Denise turned out to be dynamite telly, and I can’t miss a repeat of that, can I? Who knows, Big Hev might get it on with Martin Kemp, and Samantha Brick may have an epiphany and realise she’s an idiot.