Toby Isn't Charming on "This Is Us" — He's Annoying and Manipulative

There are a lot of red flags that Kate just sailed past here.

Oct 4, 2017

NBC

Like any self-respecting This Is Us fan, I've spent the last month or so re-watching the show's first 18 episodes in anticipation of season two. Since it hasn't been that long since the original airing, there haven't been a ton of new discoveries for me during this marathon — that pilot twist is still killer, Randall is still the best character from minute one, Olivia is still terrible — but I had forgotten much of Toby's introduction, and the early beats of his romance with Kate. And though he's improved over time, he's got a long way to go before he's as charming as he, or the show, thinks he is.

Through the first half of season one, I'm legitimately amazed that we're meant to be rooting for this guy as Kate's love interest, because he's established as a selfish, emotionally manipulative boyfriend who love-bombs Kate into believing he's everything she wants. He comes on way too strong, and tries way too hard, and while those traits can sometimes be endearing, here they come off as borderline controlling.

Take his first date with Kate. After a pretty enjoyable dinner, he escorts her back to her door, which is a classic romantic move that never gets old. She thanks him for a nice evening, begins to say goodnight, and he's all "Wait, what, no no no … that's it? You're not gonna invite me in for a nightcap or a handy or something?" EXCUSE YOU? This is an objectively gross thing to say, and while I guess it's meant to be a joke, it's delivered with a smarmy intensity that makes my skin crawl. No other male character on the show could get away with this line. Imagine Kevin coming out with that on a woman's doorstep after a first date. Imagine Jack trying this on Rebecca after their yet-to-be-seen first date. Just. Imagine. So why are we supposed to find this charming? It's hard for me not to think that it's because Toby's overweight, and therefore what would seem creepy from another man seems harmless from him. It's patronizing not to hold Toby to the same standards as any other male character, and by the standards of any other male character, that first date is a major red flag.

NBC

Let's jump over to episode five, "The Game Plan," by which time Kate and Toby have been dating for a while, and he's racked up a lot of grand gestures which prompts Kate to bring him breakfast in bed. "You've done a lot of nice things for me, I wanted to do something nice for you," she says, which, cute! He's grouchy about the breakfast she's brought him, which is more depressing diet food courtesy of the weight loss support group they're both in, but that's an understandable and pretty endearing disagreement. Until ...

Kate wants to watch the Steelers game alone, and Toby acts as though this is the most unreasonable and bizarre request in the world, like she's told him her tradition is to watch the game while performing a sacrificial blood ritual. "It's my thing," Kate murmurs, trying to justify herself while my blood pressure is steadily climbing. Toby claps back: "Your thing is sad." In fairness, he doesn't know at this stage that Kate's dad is dead, or that football was something she shared with him, but he's also not bothering to ask any questions before bulldozing his girlfriend's feelings. They haven't been dating for that long, and he's already acting like she owes him an explanation for any night she doesn't want to spend with him.

He then tries to get her to watch the game alone, but with him, which I guess is supposed to be cute but to me just indicates he doesn't understand words. Once Kate finally gets him to back off, the scene ends with her saying, "Thank you for being so sweet," and at this point I'm fully raging. We don't know much at all about Kate's dating life prior to Toby, but it is mind-blowing to me that she interprets anything about his behavior in this scene as sweet. Things do not improve from here: Kate feels guilty and obligated, as she's prone to do when it comes to Toby, so she ends up watching the game with him and his rando friend, who proceed to talk all the way through it and pause it at a crucial moment, meaning Kate misses a touchdown.

NBC

Look, I have zero interest in sports, I barely know what a touchdown is, and even I know that this is infuriating. Even worse is that when Kate quietly excuses herself from this irritating situation and leaves, Toby has the audacity to act confused. "What was all that about?" he asks her later. Oh, I don't know Toby, maybe the fact that you steamrolled right over your girlfriend's plans and made no effort to take her feelings into consideration and also literally who pauses a live game?!?! She reminds him that she wanted to watch the game alone, and so he asks "Why did you agree to come over?" Because you wouldn't stop pushing it and calling her sad!

This is Toby's thing. He imposes his agenda on Kate, then plays the nice guy. He does all these "nice things" (his phrase, by the way, and he uses it a lot) for her, pulls out these showy grand gestures, then gets sulky when she doesn't do what he wants in return. He reminds me of a guy I dated once, who planned out a way-too-elaborate second date and then spent all night reminding me how great it was, and how much effort he'd put into planning it, and how nice it would be if I came back to his place at the end of the night. We've all known a guy or five like Toby.

With all of that said, there's no doubt that Toby improves in the second half of season one; at the risk of poor taste, the heart attack really did him a world of good. He's a little less pushy and boisterous, better at actually listening to Kate, and even when he does over-the-top things — like showing up at fat camp unannounced, hindering Kate's progress — they come from an understandable place. In that situation, he was lonely in a new city, and feeling vulnerable after his heart surgery, and wanted to see his girlfriend. He's still not really respecting Kate's boundaries (he really couldn't leave her alone for a week?) but the writing felt more subtle, and their conflict more two-sided.

The fat camp storyline did bring with it one of my biggest pet peeves, though: when writers try to make a love interest more likable by introducing a way worse new option. Sure, that horse guy who hit on Kate was deeply obnoxious, a completely irredeemable character in every way, but there was also no reason for him to be in the show, except as a transparent attempt to make Toby seem better by comparison. Here's a thought: Why not introduce a really compelling and compatible new love interest for Kate, someone who could be actual competition for Toby, and then see how Toby stacks up by comparison? Love triangles for their own sake are annoying, but Kate and Toby's relationship has been so insanely fast-tracked — I keep forgetting they're engaged — that they could use a few obstacles.

NBC

The season two premiere was the most likeable I've found Toby to date; he's much less aggressively try-hard now that he's a year into his relationship with Kate. Some fans resent how he tries to get in the middle of Kate and Kevin's relationship, but their twin dynamic is codependent, Toby's totally right to think that Kate needs to get some distance and stop prioritizing her brother over herself, and Kevin needs to learn what boundaries are. Toby's "NOOOOOOO!" when Kevin interrupted their make-out session in the premiere? Glorious. Still, rather than encouraging Kate to stop being codependent with Kevin and come into her own, Toby seems to be encouraging her to become codependent with him instead, as is made clear by the patronizing way both men talk about her during their fight – "She doesn't need to be coddled, she needs to be pushed!" Thankfully, Kate is self-aware enough to call them both out and say "I'm a 37-year-old woman. I shouldn't need to be pushed or coddled ... not by anyone." Toby's come a long way, but it's still not really clear that rushing into this engagement has been the greatest move for Kate

Here's another thing that still bugs me: what is Toby's job? What does this guy do all day? He seems pretty free to follow Kate around between the east and west coast on a whim, but he also has enough money to "singlehandedly finance his therapist's new Tesla." Toby's profession has become enough of a mystery that actor Chris Sullivan actually got asked about it on a red carpet, and claimed he's an IT guy. Which … okay, but where are the receipts? I'm not asking for a whole side plot devoted to Toby and his coding woes, but in a show that spends a lot of time on most of its characters' professional lives, the lack of it with him is another red flag. He's a bit of a manic pixie dream guy: no attachments or commitments of his own, no real priorities besides following Kate around, no drive to do anything but be with her. What i f… Toby's some kind of conman?

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