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Mongolian VD (24 December 2007)

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry,there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!"

Few Quickies (22 December 2007)

Q: What Is The Difference Between Sky And A Skirt?
A: The Sky Covers the Whole Universe And A Skirt Covers the Universal Hole.

Q: What Is The Similarity Between Girl And a cup of Tea?
A: Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed When Rising.

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Q: What is difference between Girl in Church and Girl in a Bath?
A: Girl in Church has soul full of hope and Girl in a Bath has hole full of soap.

Q: What is a gynaecolgist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure.

Cars In Heaven3 (20 December 2007)

Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

Paycheck Raise (18 December 2007)

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

She Gets Double (16 December 2007)

There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country, and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort. When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie. Then the genie said "I'll give you three wishes, but on one condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish."

So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got 2 billion dollars. For the man's second wish he decided that he wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a 400 room mansion. For the man's last wish, he took a long time to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you choked me half to death."

Cemetery Walk (14 December 2007)

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" Joke:Freshman Guide to Bra RemovalOBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

Used Car Lot (12 December 2007)

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

A Favour For An Old Friend (10 December 2007)

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.
One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a woman in my life."
So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.
He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.
He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.
The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!"

True StoryI was happy. (08 December 2007)

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Rosebuds (06 December 2007)

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."

The Object Of Dating Is To (04 December 2007)

SCOREA father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair ... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

Why Did You Shoot Your Wife? (02 December 2007)

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Home Late (30 November 2007)

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out f*cking around, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

Legs Behind Your Head (28 November 2007)

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

Slippery Slopes (25 November 2007)

Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream last night of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and exclaims, "That's funny, I dreamed that I was skiing!"

Sex Survey (23 November 2007)

A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled.

"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car"

An Old Lady And A Penis (21 November 2007)

Once upon a time there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis.

He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. Just then, two old ladies were strolling about the sand, one walking with a cane.

Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady: "There ain't no justice in this world."

The other little old lady asked "What do you mean by that?"

"Well," she said, "when I was 20 I was curious about it,"

"when I was 30 I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 I asked for it."

"When I was 50 I paid for it."

"When I was 60 I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old too squat."

Stamp Collector (19 November 2007)

Woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white" reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can. I'm still a virgin," says the bride.

"Impossible" says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not," the bride explained.

"My first husband was a psycologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it"

"My second husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it"

"My third husband was a stamp collector, God, I miss him"

Elementary My Dear Watson (18 November 2007)

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

Fucking Machine (16 November 2007)

A man was going away on a trip for work. Before he left he stopped at an Adult Toy store to pick up something for his wife while he was away because she was a sex-aholic.

He didnt want her fucking just any guy so when he went into the store he told the clerk his issue.

The man said "I have just what you need".

He went to the back and brought out a large green box. "This is my little green fucking machine. It never tires and it will "DO" whatever you want it to. Just say "Little Green Fucking Machine", and whatever you want it to fuck and when you are done just say little green fucking machine off. It wont stop til it's off".

So the man bought the toy and went home to show his wife. She was very amused and decided to use it no more than 5 minutes after he left.

"Little green fucking machine....me". She and the machine went at it for 4 or 5 hours.

When she was done she realized she didn't remember the command to turn it off. So she threw it off of her and ran away....butt naked.

A neighbor saw the woman running in the nude and called the police.

When the police officer stopped the woman about a mile down the road she told him the whole story.

When she was through the officer laughed and replied "little green fucking machine my ass".

Hardly Novel Idea (14 November 2007)

John and Mary get married. They are in love, but they are poor (cue music). While trying desperately to make ends meet, Mary hits on a lucrative but hardly novel idea.

"John," she peeped. "I have an idea to help us pay off our bills and start that savings account."

John, being a practical man and loving his new wife dearly, listens attentively.

"John, I'm willing to have sex for money to help us out."

John, at first, is shocked by the idea. This is his wife, after all. But, with Mary's coaxing and his own dismay at being broke, he caves.

He makes one stipulation: "I'll get the men for you," he vows stolidly. "I'll set everything up and protect you."

So, as it happens in jokes like this, John finds Mary's first trick. They meet in a diner downtown to discuss the final arrangements...

"He's waiting in the hotel across the street. Here's the room number. Don't take any crap. If he gives you any trouble, I'm right here."

Mary enters the hotel, finds the room and meets her man.

"So, how much is it?" asks the man.

In a panic, Mary says, "Wait right here. I'll be right back!"

She darts across the street and asks her husband. He says, "Charge him $100."

Mary runs back across the street and tells the man.

"But, I've only got $70. How much can I get for that?"

Of course, Mary doesn't know. She heads back across the street and again asks her husband. He says, "Just give him a blow job."

Mary returns and informs the man. He seems satisfied with this and begins to undress, revealing a 12 inch erection.

Mary stares, asks him to wait and runs back across the street to her husband.

John is amazed that she is back again. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"Oh, everything is great. But ... can we lend him $30?"

Auto Erotic (12 November 2007)

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18."

Three Elderly Women (10 November 2007)

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one.

Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"

A self-evident or universally recognized truth; a maxim The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has no calories. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. A man in the house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Virginity can be cured. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong time of month. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The younger the better. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. Love is a hole in the heart.

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