Involvement In Children's Lives After Divorce

Q: My children live with their mother. They seem OK. Sometimes I wonder if it really matters if I'm involved with their lives. Does it make any difference?

A: Wow. The Family Project 's parenting experts called in some reinforcements -- namely fathers -- to deal with this one. It's easy to say yes, of course, you should stay involved in your children's lives. But even fathers who aren't living apart from their children sometimes can feel discouraged about whether they're making an impact on their kids.

"I swing from feeling really significantly involved to feeling like "What house did you grow up in?"' says guest panelist Mike Daniels, father of an 11-year-old daughter. But the fathers say that despite your separation from your children, both they -- and you -- will miss out on a lot if you just walk away, physically or emotionally.

"I get so much out of being a father that I feel bad for men who can't or don't get involved because they don't think it's a man's role, or whatever," says panelist Bill Vogler, a father of two boys and a girl. Though the whole subject of what a father's role should be today is a political hot potato, experts agree: Fathers contribute a lot to their children's healthy development. Perhaps the most obvious effect: Kids get their ideas about what's appropriate behavior for their gender from fathers as well as mothers. That ranges from the simple -- whether it's okay for dad to do dishes or change diapers -- to the incredibly complex -- namely, for boys, what it means to be a man and, for girls, what it means to be loved by one.

But fathers also tend to contribute different discipline styles, and they relate to their children differently than mothers, says guest panelist Gregory Edwards, a father of four who works helping low-income fathers. In other words, while a mom might discipline a child by saying, "Don't do that; you'll hurt your sister's feelings," a father tends to stress what consequences a child's action will bring in "the real world," he says. And, while a mom might try to limit a child's play on a playground jungle gym because the child might fall and get hurt, a dad is more likely to let the child take a calculated risk and encourage him or her to climb higher.

"Studies have pointed out that fathers are hard-wired differently, whether it's hormonal or cultural expectations or gender stereotyping," says Edwards. Studies also have suggested that kids with involved fathers do better in school and society than those whose fathers aren't present, panelists say.

Panelists also point out that your separation from the children's mother may be a blessing in disguise. On the one hand, says guest panelist Phil Woffindin, a father of four who works with fathers as a drug and alcohol and mental health counselor, the conflicts that led to the separation may have undermined your confidence that you can be a good father. "A lot of things might have been said," he says. "Guys are supposed to be tough and take it, but it still could have hurt." Your emotions won't heal overnight, and the disputes won't magically clear up. But the split offers you an opportunity "to redefine your role with your kids that you might not have had because of all the stresses on the household before," says panelist Marcie Lightwood. "You can start today and make things different," she says.

The bottom line, panelists say, is that, even if you're not "involved" in the lives of your kids, you still have a relationship with them. "If you're not "involved," your children, or society, will define your role for you, and it will probably be a negative one -- as "the father who was never there" or "the deadbeat dad." If you are "involved," at least you get the chance to try to steer that relationship in a positive direction from here on.

familyproject@mcall.com 610-820-6562 The Family Project is a collaboration between The Morning Call and parenting professionals brought together by the Valley Youth House program Project Child, the Lehigh Valley's child-abuse prevention coalition.

How dads can stay involved with their kids

Here are some tips for fathers who want to stay involved in their children's lives, even if they don't live together:

Fulfill any legal responsibilities toward your children. Pay your child support on time and pick up and return your children as scheduled. Obey court orders. Defuse any ongoing anger with the children's mother on these issues before it can start.

Be there for the small stuff. Arrange to attend parent meetings at school, ball games and kids' medical appointments.

Don't just tell yourself it's better if you're not there. Consider getting a separate set of school and medical records so you know what's going on as well as the children's mother.

Ask to help. Each week, ask what you can specifically do to help the children's mom with the kids, even if it's just driving them to a soccer practice on a particular night, doing their laundry or making extra lunches. That's what being involved means.

Stay in touch with your kids. Talk to them on the phone even when you're not physically present. Know what's going on day to day in their lives. Don't fall into the "wallet-and-wheels" trap. Kids need you to be present, not just offer a present or an outing every time they see you. Don't be a slave to the past. Children need consistency and structure in their lives, but within reason; you don't have to do everything the way it was done before --or the way the children's mother does it now. Work to establish your own values and routines with your kids. Set up a schedule with the children's mother. And once you have one, don't break a date.

Control your temper. You may not want to be in the same room with the children's mother, but don't argue with or disparage her in front of the kids. Don't send messages through the kids. That places them uncomfortably in the middle, and you run the risk of garbled communication.

Try to take resentment in stride. Often, fathers who try to stay involved find the children's mother becoming resentful because of her perception that the dad gets to "play" with the kids during their time together and she gets to do all the "dirty work" like discipline. Know that the "play" time is important to their development, too.

Look for ways to share the other stuff. Find someone to talk to. There's not a lot of support for involved fathers in society as a whole. But you can probably find a man you admire in this regard and develop a relationship with him. Try a group for parents at your child's school or religious institution or look for other fathers on your child's sports team or at work or your health club. Short of that, you can read books or information on the Internet about fatherhood or find a professional counselor or member of the clergy to talk to.

Expect to have to earn the right to be involved. Many times, when fathers have been absent from their children's lives, it's because they've done negative, self-destructive or violent things. You can't just expect the slate to be wiped clean.

Don't blame others. You have to look at yourself and change. Work toward being consistent and dependable in family matters, and trust will follow.

THE TOPIC TEAM Parenting experts who helped with this installment of The Family Project : Mike Daniels, parenting and child-care consultant in private practice in Allentown and Easton. Gregory Edwards, fatherhood and family formation manager for Community Services for Children, Allentown. Marcie Lightwood, program coordinator for Project Child, a program of Valley Youth House. Joanne Nigito, registered play therapist and parenting educator, Bethlehem. Bill Vogler, executive director of Family and Counseling Services of the Lehigh Valley, Allentown. Phil Woffindin, drug and alcohol and mental health counselor for Confront, Allentown.

RESOURCES FOR FATHERS The fatherhood program at Community Services for Children, Allentown, provides education, employment skills training and counseling for low-income fathers, 610-437-6000, Ext. 2106. These Web sites have more information and interactive opportunities for fathers: www.fatherhood.org (National Fatherhood Initiative), www.scfn.org (Single and Custodial Fathers Inc.), www.fathers.com (National Center for Fathering) and www.newdads.com (information for new fathers, including Boot Camps for new dads). For results of research on involved fathers' impact on school achievement, see http://nces.ed.gov/pubs98/98121.html. For research results on other aspects of fathers' effects on child development, see www.dadi.org/dadpage.htm.