Prominent Figures In History: Matthew Kunzers

Today, America, I want to recognize a Prominent Figure In History. He went by the name of Matthew Kunzers…

Matthew Kunzers (1834-1918)

Matthew Kunzers was born in what would be modern-day Saskatchewan, Canada in 1834. The exact location is unknown, but when Matthew was barely a year old, Walter and Ira Kunzers, Matthew’s parents, crossed the border into America. Within a few weeks both Walter and Ira were killed by a massive pack of bears. A second before Walter died, he whispered to Matthew, “My son, live for a super long time, and do good stuff. Ahhhh! My intestines are being eating by this bear, I’m being eaten alive. No! No, not my eye balls! I am still alive and being mauled by the bears…………… I’m dead, now.” Matthew never forgot his father’s words (even though he was a baby and couldn’t speak English yet). Soon, the bears found baby Matthew, but instead of tearing his little baby body to pieces, they decided to adopt him as their own.

Matthew grew up just like every boy in the 1800’s. By the time he was 2, he could communicate with most bears in the Northwestern parts of America. In 1838, when Matthew was 4, there was a massive bear fight and Kunzers was separated from his bear family. He began traveling South, wandering aimlessly throughout Midwest America, surviving using his hunting skills that his bear pack had taught him.

Drawing of young Kunzers by the military unit that found him. (1839)

Young Matthew soon reached the Mississippi River, where he was located by a small military unit who were just chilling. The soldiers took him in, and allowed the boy to travel with them. Matthew spent over a year with the unit, learning how to speak English, use their weapons, and a bunch of other military hooplah. The unit and Kunzers bonded well, and when the soldiers finally returned to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1840, Matthew had a was greeted by a warm welcome. The boy liked Philadelphia, it was a nice town full of nice people, and he fit in very well.

By the time Matthew was 15, he made a nice living for himself. Matthew had a great job as an apprentice, and he had a majestic steed which he rode in town everyday. One winter in 1849, Matthew decided to build a home for all the orphan children of Philadelphia. All the orphans could stay in the home but only under one condition; they had to be good citizens. Soon Matthew Kunzer and his fellow orphan friends became known as the “Sunshine Kids” due to their good deeds they did for the society.

But then arose there was a rival gang that arose in the South side of Philadelphia. They were known as the Moonshine Men. The Moonshine Men were rough, mean fellows (and also in their 30’s). Not only did they produce, drink, and sell moonshine, but they also had a fiery hate for the Sunshine Kids and especially Matthew Kunzers.

One night, Kunzer returned from his job and saw that the Sunshine home was set on fire by the Moonshine Men. Matthew quickly rushed into the burning building and rescued all 247 children in under 5 minutes, setting the world record for most orphans saved from a burning building in under 5 minutes.

A picture drawn by Kunzers. Believed to be the family of bears he was raised by. (1844)

Luckily, not one child was hurt.

Matthew Kunzer decided that the Moonshine Men needed to be stopped before they would hurt anyone else. So he assembled the Sunshine Kids, and plotted the most strategically advanced attack ever created in history. On January 3rd, 1850, Kunzer and the Sunshine Kids attacked and brutally murdered all of the Moonshine Men. The town rejoiced and held a massive party in celebration of the great victory.

The next day, after rebuilding the Sunshine home, Kunzer was packing up to leave when a beautiful girl named Sarah Rogers asked him, “Why are you leaving?”

Matthew responded by saying, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world. So, I am off to make other lives better. I’m heading to Boston, but maybe I’ll see you again sweet cheeks.”