Area Man on Toilet Hysterical, Inconsolable After Forgetting Cellphone In Kitchen

CHICAGO — A mad dash for the commode turned ugly yesterday when a northwest side man copped a squat with his cellphone still on the kitchen counter — leaving him screaming in agony and with only a Fructis shampoo bottle and box of tampons for reading material.

Concern arose just after 2 p.m. when neighbors saw a black Honda Civic slam on its brakes on the 3600 block of North Oketo, and its driver charge into a house with both hands pressed against his buttocks. The wailing began moments later, with multiple well-being check calls to police soon thereafter.

Sources say the man, Lorenzo Royce was nearing a public health emergency after lunching at Taco Burrito King, and clearly not in his right mind when he kicked his trousers to the floor and dove for the toilet.

“I’ve known ‘Zo for ten years, and he ain’t crazy,” said Stan Kolodziejski, a neighbor across the street. “Nobody wants to think about what they’d do in his situation — stuck on the can with no phone. But those king size burritos are bigger than them fat red wiffle ball bats, for Christ’s sake. Let me see what you look like after choking one of them bastards down.”

Police found the front door ajar, with lamps and pictures knocked over along the path to the bathroom accompanying the ear-piercing cries. A bevy of officers cleared the house before finally approaching Royce’s throne. A Chicago Police spokesperson said Royce was naked and still defecating while clutching the seat with white knuckles, and that they were forced to treat the situation as crisis intervention due to Royce’s irrational behavior.

“He started pointing at the shampoo bottle and then out toward the kitchen while rambling and drooling all over himself,” Sgt. Stavros Giannakopoulos said. “We thought he was on that Mojo until one of the fellas saw his phone sitting there on the kitchen counter. We put two and two together after that and realized it was way worse than some goofy street drug.”

Police say once he was mindlessly scrolling Facebook and Candy Crushing after getting his phone back, Royce was calm and cooperative. No charges are expected, as the damage was unintentional and to his own property. Giannakopoulos was brief when asked if Royce had anything to say once the ordeal was behind him.