Report Finds Vast Air Force Conspiracy To Recruit Hot Chicks

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A congressional investigation concluded this week, revealing a decades-long conspiracy by the United States Air Force to recruit and retain better-looking women than other branches of the U.S. military.

According to information provided by the Department of Defense and the Justice Department, since 1989, the core strategy of Air Force recruiting activities were aimed at attractive high-school girls nation-wide, aged 17 and above.

During the federal investigation, agents found that millions of dollars were spent convincing the best-looking girls that the Air Force was the service in which smarter, prettier, and more popular girls served.

Advertising is part of every service’s recruiting effort and is carried out by every branch, but federal investigators say what was being done by the Air Force was beyond scope and intensity.

Some examples found by the congressional report include:

— Following young girls home from cheer-leading practice.
— Forging notes and passing them in classes under more popular students’ names.
— Leaking embarrassing information to unattractive candidates’ boyfriends and parents.
— Investigating the lives of pop-singers seen as most influential to prospective candidates.

In addition, investigators said the activities included painting the other services as ugly, rough, dumb and only for the “butch” and “lesbian” girls.

Law enforcement officials said the best example of the targeting was the secret recruitment of pop-singer Justin Beiber, who included lyrics such as “fly high with me baby” and “you are my wings” in every one of his songs to aid the Air Force. Air Force Recruiting Command, however, repeatedly denied the allegations, stating Beiber was just a bad writer and his repeated use of the same lyrics were strictly coincidence.

Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force James A. Cody gave a tearful speech at the Pentagon yesterday, taking full responsibility for the scandal and vowing to correct what he called a “moral and professional dilemma” that must be addressed.

However, after seeing Cody’s official photo on the Internet, the FBI launched a separate investigation into what agents described as a “guy that just looks a little too weird to be in charge of so many hot chicks.”

Rob is a veteran of the Iraq and Afghan wars. He performs free labor for The Duffel Blog, because the codes of conduct say he must. Honestly, he doesn't know how he got caught up in all this. Help. Seriously ... please help. These guys are [email protected]$king nuts. #SatireIsReal