Brad Cooper’s Limitless led a boring box office weekend in which none of the new releases made more than $20 million or less than $10 million. THIS JUST IN: EVERYTHING’S FINE. Even super-flop Mars Needs Mom was down only 23% from its worst-ever opening last weekend. At $15.4 million, it still has a way to go to earn back the estimated $175 million they spent on it, but it wasn’t exactly making headlines. Limitless (Tagline: WHAT IF A PILL… COULD MAKE YOU RICH AND POWERFUL?) even got decent reviews, and I was trying to figure out why I have no interest in seeing it. I watched the trailer again, and I came up with three main factors.

1. “Most people only use 20% of their brain…” Oh really? Well that explains why getting shot in the head is such a treatable injury.

2. Schlubby Brad Cooper vs. Brad Cooper, Pill-Addicted Billionaire. I have a picture of Brad Cooper BEFORE he takes the magic genius pill, and a picture of him after. Try to guess which is which.

The war is over Brad Cooper, the bums lost!

You don’t need magic pills anymore, man. You’ve got expensive ties and a haircut, THE KEYS TO SUCCESS! DAMN YOU, MAGIC PILLS, WHY COULDN’T I HAVE FIGURED THIS OUT ON MY OWN??

3. The Magic Touch Screen. In real life, if you ever see someone really smart using a computer, they’re usually typing some code you’re too dumb to understand. Filmmakers need a way for this to look cinematic, and if you’re not very creative, the solution is always… THE MAGICAL TOUCH SCREEN!

MY GOD, HE’S MANIPULATING THE COMPUTER’S WILL WITH HIS BARE HANDS! AND WITHOUT EVEN A PAIR OF SPECIAL GLOVES? HE MUST BE THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!