It's Not Just About Us - Effects Of Domestic Violence On Children

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Jan 17, 2007

It's Not Just About Us - Effects Of Domestic Violence On Children

Posted By
Linda Bortell

When thinking about the dynamics and effects of domestic violence, it is
easy to focus on the two parties involved. However, even if they are "just"
watching, the effects on the children can be just as profound and long
lasting. There are six types of domestic violence, and they are as follows:

In all of the above subtypes, children can be witness to, or suffer directly
from the actions of the perpetrator. Statistics on abuse are almost impossible
to quantify, but looking at child abuse reports and numbers of D.V. cases
that are reported through the legal system, a safe estimate is that over
4 million kids each year witness a severe incident of family violence.
Statistics also show that between 35-50% of divorcing families experience
some minor violence during the break up process.

There are 6 basic tactics used by the abusers when dealing with their children
and many children will continue to seek out these types of familiar patterns
in relationships if they do not get help to understand the cycle of power
and control used in their family.

The first tactic is being an authoritarian parent - "If your children
aren't a little afraid of you, they won't respect you." These
abusers generally stick to bad parenting decisions even after it becomes
apparent that they aren't working.

The second type of dynamic involves the under involved abuser. This person
generally wants the status of "parent", but tends to lose interest
quickly when it comes to the hardships and sacrifices. Initially, this
may make the parent a scarce commodity, and more valuable to the children.

The third parental type is that of the neglectful and irresponsible parent.
This person's self-centeredness, disrespect, arrogance and manipulativeness
rule the day. These parents may make and break promises on a regular basis.

A fourth type of abuser is the one who constantly undermines the other
parent in a malicious way, even when the consequences are hurtful to the children.

The fifth type of abuser is the parent who demands that the children are
just like them. They seek a narcissistic reflection in their children,
and do not value them for any individual differences. The last type is
the abuser who is omnipotent and believes that he/she knows everything
and makes all of the decisions.

Children exposed to these types of parents generally feel more venerable
and insecure and that there is nobody to make their world safe. They become
use to their parents fighting and arguing rather than reasoning, so the
children get involved in more power struggles. As adults, these children
may be more hyper-vigilant in social situations. Terrorism, earthquakes
or other disasters will impact them more.

This is due to them having a heightened state of arousal. When they experienced
abuse in a
violent family that had little cause or warning and was very on and off, these children
suffer more than when the abuse was more predictable and ended. If the
domestic violence involved physical abuse, these children are more likely
to be violent. They exhibit more anxiety, anger and problems with self-esteem.
They are more likely to experience school problems and health problems.
As teens and adults, children exposed to violence may be more likely to
become abusive. Some of these children may become more fearful, inhibited
and withdrawn.

This partial list clearly indicates the scope of the problem for children
who are in a family where domestic violence is prevalent. Early intervention,
having other supportive adults in their lives, outside sports or hobbies
and being encouraged to interact with same aged peers are some mediating
factors for these kids. Additionally, being in psychotherapy can help
children and their parents understand the range of effects and impact
on each family member.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
California Alliance Against Domestic Violence:
1-916-444-7163
Bancroft, L. (2004). When Dad hurts Mom: Helping your children heal the
wounds of witnessing abuse. New York, NY: Berkley Books.
Stahl, P. (2000). Parenting after divorce: A guide to resolving conflicts
and meeting your children's needs.
Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishing Inc.
Weitzman, S. (2000). Not to people like us: Hidden abuse in upscale marriages.
New York, NY: Basic Books.
Article written by Dr. Linda Bortell. Dr. Bortell is a licensed psychologist
located in South Pasadena. She has been in practice for 15 years and specializes
in childhood trauma and high conflict divorce.