I know everyone says this, but I'm sorry for the length. I think this is more of a vent than anything.

I am a Christian, I'm a pastor, and I have spent years being a grade A a-hole when people have come to me with their marriage problems and wanting to walk away. I have told them repeatedly that they have to bust their butt to make it work no matter what, that no one ever says life is fair, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but we don't deserve it (I speak biblically here - meaning the only thing we as sinners deserve is death - not going to debate this point right now, though).

I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.

At least I thought it was.

Now I find out it's over. She's been emotionally checked out for months and I've done everything I can. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I found out today because basically I kept pestering her to cut the crap and tell me what's wrong. She just didn't want to tell me before Christmas because she didn't want that being messed up for the kids (we have 3).

So now, I'm a few months away from being a divorced father of 3 at 29 years old, I work 2nd shift (3pm-11pm) with no chance at all of altering that - so I have no idea what I'll do for child care. I'm going to have to move, buy furniture, the whole nine yards. Basically this is going to wipe me out physically, emotionally, and financially.

So now I find myself in the shoes of all those people I've talked to before, and pardon me but I feel like a ****weed - because I feel like there's no way in hell this will ever improve. I have to do right by my kids but I don't see a way to do that.

But I'm the guy that has all the answers, right? I know life gets hard, and it's not fair, and sometimes you feel like it would just be easier to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know God loves me and that He will take care of me and my kids and that somewhere down the road I will be a much better and stronger man than I am right now because of this. I know that we can get stuck between what we feel and what we know, and that we have to be careful not to let what we feel take over.

That's where I'm at right now. I know all of those things - I feel like I know all the answers. I do, in fact, know a lot of them. But I feel like I don't have the capacity to hold on to those things. I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like "Mr. Big & Bad Lean Mean Preaching Machine thinks he's going to help other people with their lives and problems but he couldn't even keep his marriage together".

This trend has been going on for about 4 months and has progressively gotten worse as everything I do has made no difference. I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.

I have Proverbs 24:10 (Basically if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss) tattooed on my left arm, and I keep looking at it and shaking my head thinking, "Yeah, you're a real hard a** now, aren't you?"

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Somebody help me out. Pray for me. Something. Thanks for letting me rant.

You're only 29. You have a whole lifetime of mistakes and learning ahead of you. You've learned two things from this - you don't know it all, and when someone cheats on you numerous times, their actions have shown they don't actually want to be married to you.

So now you do what everyone else does - at some point you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you pick yourself up, learn something from your mistakes, and move on to do better for yourself and for others in the future. It's how we handle our mistakes that show what we're made of. If this makes you a more humble and empathetic man and preacher, then you now can be a better man and preacher and can help more people.

I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.

Sounds like you've both been through quite a bit of trouble.

Quote:

Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.

I remember being so angry, I just got on my knees and told God how pissed I was at Him. I just let it all out to Him. I told Him what I thought about my life, how I felt he let me down, how I wished He would do something and on and on. I just let it all out on Him. I did feel better and I think it helped me. I think He turned His back on me and then turned back around, after I talked with Him. Maybe all He wanted was for me to just talk?

I will pray for you, your wife, and your children tonight before I crawl into bed.

I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Is this because you have been affected for years by your wife’s betrayal and your adultry or have you felt this way since before marriage? What do you think the reason is that you are disappointed in your BA and web goals?

My pastor, who I am convinced has a burning desire to please God and has been the vessel of many spiritual truths to us, is now single. His wife left him 7 years ago for one year, came back, and she left again and she has now been gone for two years. We do not know why but the elders have made an investigation into the pastor’s life and have reported that they have found nothing the pastor has done that is scripturally wrong. Our pastor has five children and is a blessing to our church!

Charles Stanley, In Touch Ministries, is one of the most gifted biblical teachers in America and his wife left him many many years ago. Dr. Stanley is still a very powerful teacher of God’s word.

I am just guessing, but with the limited information that you gave it maybe, that you think that you should be a Christian superman at the age of 29. Your life fails to live up to your superman complex and now you feel unworthy and not good enough.

I maybe way off but there is something wrong with your strong thoughts and words of “Not good enough” and “don’t deserve it”You sound like a good man that maybe not focused enough on God’s grace and being beaten down by a wayward wife and your own betrayal.

I know that there is more to your story but with what you gave us I can only see what I have described above.

RoninJedi - I am very sorry for your pain - I know all about it firsthand. I was an Itinerant Evangelist and a Pastor for 15 years. I was the one, however, that destroyed our marriage. When I actually humbled myself and began to follow through on my promise to change and get help, she turned to another man for her comfort. They are still together four years later.

There are no easy answers here and the pain you will experience will bring new meaning to the verse - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." The truth is that none of this has caught God by surprise, He has already factored it in and His plan has not been frustrated.

I am now working at a Marriage & Family ministry helping people who have been devastated by divorce. If you would like more information feel free to message me. There is help available.

For Christians, I understand that divorce is sometime more traumatic than the infidelity itself. I know, I felt really defeated when I was staring at the face of a wife who acted shamelessly and was walking away from all that she knew about her beliefs. Utter powerlessness and defeat.
However God strengthened me where I had no strength. I relied on principles given in Love Must Be Tough and also fed myself on everyone's experiences here...to open my stinkin' eyes. I was able to set boundaries for myself and then LET GO of what I feared divorce MEANT about my life and my future...and just warmed myself in the comfort of God and submitted myself to the process of healing, erecting tough boundaries with my spouse, and got to a place of accepting that which I could not control. I got out of the way of God...and in my case, my wife did come around...on the eve of our divorce finalization. Of course, then I was diagnosed with cancer, so go figure...ha!
In any case, God is not a stranger...and sees things many miles and years down the road. You can't control the opinion of other concerning your state...and you sure as heck can't disregard how you have helped others...as if this disqualifies you to be God's help in the lives of hurting people. You are only going to come out stronger and wiser after all of this...and be thankful that all this is getting exposed and dealt with your life. Be thankful every day...and cling to the Lord's joy...and reside in the peace that surpasses all understanding. This is our foundation...being thankful in our trials...and being complete for no apparent reason! Your witness will become greater than you think.

RoninJedi, I feel very sorry to hear you are going through this, many people in your shoes have experienced this, and pastors are humans just like everyone else. Your calling has not changed, that is important to remember, and you are paying a price here, not of your own design, but God will be faithful to restore all you have lost if you keep your heart and mind set on him. Remember, we are never able to be worthy in our own strength- we are always both sinner/saint, we need the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ each and every day --and there is new grace each day for us. Sounds like you need to spend time with God, reflect upon his word more deeply, and quick condemning yourself, that is the accuser speaking death to you. The resurrection of the faithful has already been secured in Christ Jesus remember that! "There is now therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." As one who has been there, you must go through the pain, feel it, grieve, and leave the rest and yourself in God's faithful care. We are never alone, for God is with us always. peace be with you and many prayers.

A belated thank you to all - well, most - of you. Finally forced myself to pray yesterday, and must confess it quickly turned into more of a rant than anything. But it still felt good to get it off my chest and get that connection with God, and my ranting subsided before too long and turned back to earnest prayer. Today I admit I'm still feeling sorry for myself, but it's not the inescapable cesspool it felt like a couple days ago.

It still sucks, I still don't like it, and I still don't have a clue how things will unfold moving forward, but you guys have reinforced truths that I let get away from me when I was hit with the initial shock. My calling hasn't changed, God hasn't changed, He definitely wasn't caught by surprise, and my calling as a pastor doesn't mean I've got it all figured out and that I'm magically made some sort of Super Saiyan warrior who's invulnerable to puny human emotions.

I'm beginning to feel that this is one of those times I'm always telling people about - when God allows us to come to a point where we don't have a choice but to rely on Him, and that's what I'm trying to do.

I still feel like an idiot, but I also know I'm God's idiot, and that along the way He'll give me an IQ boost as this experience unfolds.

Thanks again for the kind words, encouragement, prayers, and no-bull crap opinions. They are a big help.

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:

Password

Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:

Confirm Password:

Email Address

Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:

OR

Log-in

User Name

Password

Remember Me?

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.