Complete Obliteration

The name really says it all. This is the hangover where any and every event (and I’m even considering walking to the fridge an event) that is supposed to take place this day must be cancelled. Movement is extremely limited and one must remain horizontal at all times. You are a completely useless person, capable of nothing, save for breathing and lying down. Send help, meaning bring milkshakes and french fries to my bed.

I Can’t Even Eat

Usually the answer is bacon. Every sane person who knows a thing or two about a thing or two knows this. So this time you wake up, everything is normal (as far as hangover’s go) and your first plan of action is going to get some food. You go to the greasiest of spoons and order the greasiest of meals and it’s only when the meal arrives you realize you can’t eat a bloody thing or you’re going to be extremely sick on everyone around you. Damnit.

Waking Up in a Strange Place

You rack your brain for some type of answer or memory…nothing. You don’t know how you got here, but really the daunting task is now finding you way home from location unknown. At first you think you’ll save money (because you certainly weren’t last night) and take the streetcar home. Then you stand up and realize you can barely stand, let alone see straight. On second thought, no matter what the cost or distance, you take a cab home. Your own bed has never been so welcoming.

I Feel Great, Wait I’m Still Drunk.

The initial wake up is great. You are generally surprised by how good you feel. You look back on the night and feel proud of yourself, maybe you didnt go over board with the tequila for once. Jeez, maybe you are really growing up and getting way better at the whole responsible thing. Damn, you’re feeling so good, you think you’ll even go through with those day plans to go Ikea... and then it hits you. That good feeling is washed away fast and replaced with full blown nausea. Ikea, along with everything else, will have to wait.

I Can’t Believe What Happened Last Night

Less of a challenge physically, this hangover packs a huge emotional toll. This is the hangover that makes you question EVERYTHING. Your actions last night are unspeakable in the light of day. Whether or not you are a good person is actually debatable at this point and as a result you must wallow in emotional turmoil all day, re-living the events of last night on repeat, desperately trying to convince yourself you got the details wrong. You didn’t REALLY say that! Yes…yes you did. At its worst, one might end up buying a plane, train or bus ticket out of province and/or country to start a new life.

Indian Food is The Answer

This hangover is of medium intensity. If push came to shove you could be productive, however, it’s still the last thing you want to do. Eating a shameful amount of indian food from your bed, Netflix on repeat sounds so so much better. The butter chicken soothes your soul and soaks up last nights liquor. By the end of the day you’re feeling fine albeit 10 lbs heavier.

The Non-Existent Hangover

An extremely rare occurrence but by some twist of fate you managed to escape the hungover house of horrors. You partied hard, you weren’t even trying to avoid a hangover the next day but for some odd reason when you wake up, you really don’t feel that bad. Perhaps it was the 3 pizzas you ate before falling asleep, perhaps.

The 2 day hangover

Sweet relief. That’s what everybody thinks when they head to bed after a day long hangover. At least tomorrow morning you will wake up feeling great! Wrong. This hangover is here to stay. Say goodbye to your entire weekend. Yup congratulations you ruined it. No more fun to be had, you’ll just have to sleep it off and try again next weekend.

I’m Never Drinking Again

Similar to “going green” this is that moment when a person decides to “do the healthy thing”. After today of course. You allow yourself one more day of total piggishness and you indulge to the max in any and everything. You don’t want to be tempted by that jar of mayonnaise tomorrow, so you better eat it today! I mean you’re basically eating it for the sake of being healthy anyways… Oh yeah and alcohol is bad for you too so I’m never drinking again (clip to them at the bar next weekend). If you haven’t caught on yet, this is a cycle. A cycle that is obviously meant to be broken.

Oh Shit I’m Late For Work

You made a stupid decision. You decided to drink on a school night. You thought that was a good idea at some point in time. But you were wrong. At the time, you think it will be fine. You’re all like “I totally got this” “I know my limits” “I can totally have a couple of beers, even though I have work to do in the morning”. And the next morning you hate yourself and vow to never think such blasphemous thoughts again. You try to sleep in till the last possible minute, you try and convince yourself you don’t feel as horrible as you do. You try and look really really good to mask the fact you truly look like shit and it’s written all over your face what you did last night. Shame on you.