‘My camera helped me beat anxiety’

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption John Mannell used to shut himself inside dark rooms rather than speak out about his anxiety

We all know how it feels to be anxious – exams, asking someone out, job interviews can all stir up momentary butterflies and blind panic. But anxiety can be an overwhelming and debilitating problem, crippling a person’s ability to function day to day. During Mental Health Awareness Week, one man describes how he beat his anxiety by forcing himself to photograph complete strangers.

John Mannell had always been the “shy kid in the corner”.

He didn’t particularly like talking in front of big groups of people, but was happy that way.

Seven years ago, John finished university, moved into his first flat and was enjoying his job at a glass and glazing company.

But the stress of a stomach operation triggered a deep-seated anxiety in him which meant he was completely unable to recognise the good things in his life.

John soon began having anxiety attacks that were so bad he hardly left the house apart from to go to work.

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption John finds it hard to describe what his anxiety feels like – but says this photo of him sums it up

“I spent months where I’d literally just go home and sit in a blackened room, and keep myself shut away,” he says.

“I’d sit in the dark thinking everything was collapsing around me. It’s very suffocating and restrictive.

“I used to suffer when I was a kid with asthma and it felt quite similar. It was not that I couldn’t breathe, but it was just completely overwhelming.

“You just want to feel safe, and I know it sounds mad, but safety for me was just being shut away where I felt like no one would notice.”

John began attending a therapy group after he was diagnosed with depression.

When the 32-year-old told members he used to love photography, his new friends suggested he revive his hobby to give him a nudge out of the door.

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption John said Mally has a “wise head” but she thought “it’s just the beret”

John started tentatively by capturing photogenic places near his home in Sutton, south London – using his camera as a “comfort blanket”.

Although he had jumped a huge hurdle in simply leaving his bedroom, he still found it terrifying to speak to other people.

At first he would go “stupidly late at night” so as not to have to talk to anybody. But he knew it was time to make himself take photos of people, not just places.

“I asked a couple of strangers, and that was one of the most nerve-wracking things I’ve ever done,” he said.

“I was so nervous. I didn’t really look them in the eye – I was looking everywhere but their faces.”

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption Patsy said she had never been asked to have her photo taken before

John joined a night school to work more on photography, as he could tell it was helping him to “start seeing the world again”.

That’s when a tutor suggested he do project 365, where you pick an activity and do it once a day, every day, for a year – be it running, baking a cake or reading.

Other memorable meetings include Patrick, who is now designing John’s wedding outfit, “Rasta Steve” who explained how he had never really recovered from losing his arm in the 1980s, and Kate – who turned out to be the “lovely” Reverend Bottley from Channel 4’s Gogglebox.

It says it has made him realise his home city isn’t as dark and gloomy as he once thought it was.

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption After John took Hope’s photo, he said: “Lovely people like this do give you hope that there are so many amazing people that you walk by on a daily basis”

“You build up this thing that London can be a nasty place. I can remember always my parents saying, be careful when you’re in London.

“But actually, you scratch the surface and there’s so many amazing people, loads of people with warmth, and willingness to open up to me – just some weirdo walking around with a camera.”

Although John has now posted all 365 of his photos for 2017, the reaction from his 1,600 Instagram followers has spurred him on to continue sharing portraits.

He finds it hard to believe how many people are touched by his work.

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption Mollie knew John was the “Portrait Per Day man” when he asked for her photo in Borough Market

One day, John was walking through Borough Market, and spotted Mollie, who had “really cool dreads”.

Before he’d finished asking her if she would let him take a photo, she said: “Are you Portrait Per Day?”

It dawned on John how widespread his “weird little club” of people “being photographed by some oddball” was becoming.

“It was totally nuts,” he said.

“A lot of people say there’s a negative side to social media, but for me it’s just brought [forward] this huge network of people.”

Image copyrightJohn MannellImage caption John was astonished to find how readily people would open up to him when he approached them

Crucially, it has made John realise the root of his anxiety was a fear of rejection and though he faced plenty during his project, he now feels better equipped to cope with it.

“All I managed to ever see were the negatives and completely missed all of the amazing things which were going on.

“I think I thought I was always worried about what people thought of me, but the repetition has got me used to the whole fear of rejection.

“I think had I just been able to speak to people, to friends, that would have been the best cure.”