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It is not easy for me to disclose the actual things behind my retirement from writing Malay Creative Writing/Literature works. Somehow I feel moved to share some of the important lessons in two separate posts. In the first post, I’ll share about an interesting findings after reading several Traditional Chinese Medicine articles written by the practitioners. It is about Hot Palm – a health warning sign that became more and more obvious during my active involvement in Malay Creative Writing/Literature. Due to the lack of knowledge and awareness, I became ignorant and so, it leads to the deteriorations of my health conditions in 2012. As a result, my productivity depleted dramatically and many more, and so I quit officially in 2014. Hopefully these two posts can help my fellow writers to realize the importance of self-care, and so, surviving from the grip of writer’s block and burnout.

I’m gravitated towards Traditional Chinese Medicine and other alternative way of self-care, since realizing that I have obvious over-reactive reactions to many modern medical drugs and chemicals. Reading writings from any Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners are an eye-opening experiences, especially so when I read about any topics that related to my health issues.

Hot palms ( with sweats ) occasionally happening on myself for more than several years since I was a teenager. And those episodes were happened when I experienced the lowest of the lows. For a sudden, I got a very logical explanation of super-enormous burnout episode around 2012-2014 that lead me to my early retirement from Malay Creative Writing/Literature world. Before that, I thought that my decision are entirely driven by negative feelings and emotions. But now, by joining the dots from my self-discovery journey as an Idealist/Catalyst and exploring on best possible solutions for my own health in Traditional Chinese Medicine path, I know that I was solely motivated by intuitively trusting my own body wisdom for survival and that was the best decision on that moment.

It is also one of the sure signs that an individual is experiencing exhaustion and burnout. My sign of writer’s burnout were manifested as early as 2010-2011. My hand palms were hot enough to melt a small bar of chocolate in my grip for several minutes ! My body called me for help, but I ignored how important it was due to a combination of blind stubborness, being cocky and lack of knowledge and awareness. As a result, I have to take a dramatic and radical decision when the things went too far.

Writer’s Burnout And Self-Care

Retirement is not an absolute solution to writer’s burnout. It is only serves as a last resort. I took that decision after realizing that pursuing in Malay Creative Writing/Literature was no longer meaningful and it was obviously destroying me inside and out, sooner or later. Other good or better possible solutions to writer’s burnout are still available, especially when it is still in the early stage when a writer just only experiencing hot palms.

In my honest two cents, the best way to solve it in early stage is by doing some acupuncture or acupressure sessions and combining it with some spiritual activities like praying or reciting Holy Scriptures. And doing flower bath or rock salt bath for several weeks as an additional activity is also very helpful by Allah’s Power and Permission.

Acupuncture sessions must be done by a pro by appointments, but we can do our own acupressure massage sessions at home.

There are three places to four acupressure spots that we can apply some deary massages when we are experiencing hot palms. Honestly, it can reduce the hotness and so, that hand sweats.

The first two spots ( heart-related HT7 and HT8 ) are shown in the first picture :

Honestly, after using about a bottle of this lovely-scented potion for a month, my Puella Aeterna* secretly wishing that I met this potion when I was still in secondary school. So that I enjoy more peaceful schooltime and adolescent era. And I can avoid the huge blunder that leads me to a wrong way for 20 years.

Somehow we can’t change what had happened, and I am still grateful for having some chances to use Aura Pengasih to assist me in self re-development process.

Here are some other unexpected good things that are happening during and after a month of using it :

1. My impulsive shopping tendency decreased. I am only buying things that I am really need. That is mean I can save more money for something important in the future.

2. Bad days still came in occasionally and so bad feelings, but my reactions to it had changed. I am just owning those feelings instead of being them. There are a huge gap between myself and bad feelings. By having the gap between it, bad feelings are easier to manage even though they are still runs deep.

This is happened not only to me, but were also reported by several users. Some of them simply losing their short-fuse tendency and be able to control their anger/angst as they keep using the potion.

3. I am gradually becoming less active in social media, in comparison to a month before. Not because I turned into anti-social person, but the tendency of getting addicted were decreased as time goes by. Now, I am responding or initiating when I felt really moved to do so, and that just happened occasionally. It leads me to believe that Aura Pengasih potion is possibly useful in addictions management. And maybe that is means a good hope for parents with children who are helplessly get hooked to gadgets and video games.

4. My inner scanning functions- Introverted Feelings (Fi) and Extraverted Intuitions (Ne) getting more alert and sharper. For an example, I started to avoid sounds and musics that are not in harmony with my body vibes. My body keeps telling me that musics that are too loud and too upbeat are bad for my health and well-being. And I started to get more alert about toxic people/energy vampires !

5. Now, I am happily settle down into the place where I belongs to-Catalyst/Idealist temperament, as I more and more accepting of who I am. I started to see things from the past and present get connected and get clicked. A month before this, I was still confusing about the temperament of my core self.

Well, there are some other many good things happened too but I’d rather keep that private.

After about a bottle of Aura Pengasih potion, I can say that it is worth a try.

Immediately recognized this as the wooden stairway from Laban Rata to Gunting Lagadan Hut. I was here in March 1998. It is easy to appreciate the physical beauty along this way, somehow something quickly took over the joy and my mind started to dwell into other ideas rather than fully enjoying the beauty I met in present moment. Lack of in-the-moment focus made me missing the bird that was located on the tree until the mountain guide or someone else points it out.

In the previous post of my journey chronicles in embracing INFP as my best-fit type, I have mentioned that Introverted Sensation ( Si ) is the cognitive function that surprisingly lead me to my findings.

Now it’s the time to reveal another Jungian cognitive functions that confirms INFP as my best type.

It is Extraverted Sensation ( Se ), the opposite of Si.

Heidi Pribe of Thought Catalog describing Se in an easy way to understand :

“ Extroverted sensing is focused on taking in the world as it exists in the present moment. It is highly in tune with the sights, smells, sounds and general physical stimulus that surrounds it. Extroverted sensing lives and thrives in the moment, more so than any other function.”

In individual with INFP as their best type, Extraverted Sensation ( Se ) is located in the bottom 4 functions. It is located at the 7th position. Dr. John Beebe named and associating this position with an archetype named The Trickster.

There’re many version of trickster archetype in fictional stories are available to choose from. Somehow I prefer Reynard The Fox to be portrayed inside my post.

Here are an explaination from Eric B explaining about The Trickster from his website. Somehow, it gives me a dizziness bout just for digesting the meaning. However I am still putting it right here for some good reasons that are still unknown to myself.

“ Emotions connected with that of a bad child; either dealing with one, playing tricks and binding the ego, or then being one to get back at or rebel against the threat, will often come through the perspective. Where the Puer tells us what we want to hear, the Trickster tells us what we don’t want to hear! We feel “bound”, and then, in a rebellious fashion, try to turn the tables by using it for deceiving, double-binding, trapping others.”

To make it simple, The Trickster fools you to take something and perceive it as something else. And always influencing you in making rebellious children-like rushing decisions that not deserved to be taken seriously and you will regret later on if you follow it. Somehow, it is also brings a sense of humour. In the healthier manner, you can point out how or why someone or something is logically silly or appear like silly. On the other hand, on the social or professional settings, people can also use The Trickster to trip you as well or vice versa.

For INFP-preference individuals, that is means their experience with Se is getting distracted easily when having real-time, in the moment sensory experience. Either their mind wandering into the past or the future, while their physical body still staying in the moment presence. Or external stimulations is the main source that distracts their focus on something. Or always missing the details unless struggling to stay in focus while working on something that needs attention to details. Or maybe a strong tendency of experiencing pareidolia as a enjoyable way of laughing at themselves.

In my case, Se as The Trickster manifested in several ways. For example :

1. My trip to Mount Kinabalu in 1998 is one of the many moments that helped me to recognized how The Trickster manifests itself. How many times it was appeared as the distractions along my hiking journey. Still able to enjoy the beauty of nature but the focus was quickly get diverted into thoughts, nostalgias or day-dreamings. I missed to witness the existence of the near-dry Carson Falls, honestly, in that process. Or simply missed the sacrificing pool near St John’ Peak during the summit attack phase.

Somehow, at that moment Mount Kinabalu also under the influence of the worst El Nino phenomenon in Malaysian history, and most of the iconic plants and herbs were died, and I don’t mind of not seeing them all along the trail.

2. Ops, I used to have a laughable dressing/fashion sense. Many times I wore something that not flatter myself. I was appeared too old, too short or fat. Or appeared silly or boring. Or appeared meek and weak.

One of the factors I failed to win job interviews in the past is because my dressing sense was not impressing or appealing to the interviewers at all. I thought that by dressing like this and like that, I appeared as strong and as powerful job candidate. Somehow, in reality it was not. When I look back at those experience, yes they are simply laughable. I have no choice but to listen to the person who knows better about the style and colours that are in harmony to my natural appearance but not violating Muslims’ dressing code at the same time.

3. Having issue with proof-reading my own writing. Honestly I have to re-edit my blog posts or Facebook status or Facebook responses again and again, several times after straight away posting it online, because I tend to miss many typos and errors. I thought I have seen them all, but when I re-read my own posts online, I’m usually found typos or grammatical errors in it.

4. External stimuli is the main source of distraction when I’m going into creative process of writing something. From my own past experience, I can’t resist the external distractions when I went inside my inner world to get ideas and inspirations. When the distraction sources brought me out to the external world, my creative process got interrupted. Original ideas may either no longer staying just as it is or simply gone for good, when I returned again to the inner world of creativity. As a result, it leads to procrastinations or suspensions of working on creative writing material. Somehow, I am still okay with it most of the time because the new idea that came later on usually getting better than the original one.

5. Honestly I know that my Se is fooling around at me when I misidentified these images as something else at the first glance and it made me smiling or giggling at myself.

Unless I’m looking closely and meticulously at this picture, I’ll always perceive the sleeping cat and the orange as a fried egg !

By sharing this, hopefully I can help someone to understand how Se works as The Trickster.

Note : Dr Linda Berens from Linda Berens Institute give another view upon Beebe’s model. I understands Beebe’s model even better with her point of view, even though the model example that was used in the article below is INFJ-preference.

Honestly I want to write about this since 2015, somehow things not really falling into places when I started to write it. And so all the ideas still stays inside my heart and mind.

Suddenly this year, I have a hunch to write about INFP and loving-rain tendency again after reading an article written by Marko, an INFJ and a columnist in Introvert Spring website. I think fellow INFPs also want something similar but related to us for an enjoyable self-discovery reading, just like that INFJ-related article. So I’m willing to share my personal experience about loving rain.

Disclaimer : This is maybe not true to some INFPs, just a kind of sharing my personal experiences so that I can help the others to find their true type.

In my context, petrichor or the special fragrance that released by the soil during the first rainfall is the main reason I love rain. That special fresh fragrance penetrating my smelling sense, and few moments later I felt oddly disconnected from the reality. Travelling from here and now reality to another time-space named the beautiful past. I feel like I am that carefree little girl again, who enjoyed the freshness and the coolness of the surrounding air beside Persiaran Traulsen* after enduring an uncomfortably hot and humid mid-day. The sky was grey in colour and a bit darker than before, but to her it was always does not mean sadness and tragic. That little girl has learned from the previous rainy day experience, how is romantic and blithe looks like before learning and knowing the meaning of that two words, and connecting it with her personal experiences. By being her once more, I am forgetting the stressful things that made me feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, so immersed in the joy as long as I can before being jolted to entire body when someone touching my shoulder or calling my name.

The smell of rainfall not only awakening the beautiful memories of enjoying rainfalls in my childhood but also rainfall-related beautiful memories happened in some other time in my past.

In Jungian 8-Cognitive Functions model concept, it is my Introverted Sensing (Si) function that was in action at that time. The sensory experience ( the smell of the rainfalls ) brought back emotional memories of the past that are filtered through the simple mind and heart of a child, as Ken Cerney have explained in his blog post.

Rainfall is not only a moment when I am immersed in the nostalgia of the past, but another essential clue that leads me to embrace INFP as my best-fit Jungian Type.

Honestly, I never taken official MBTI test. Online ‘MBTI’ tests always showing that I tend to have INFP preferences. Honestly, I have doubts and dispute about it many times. Sometimes I think I’m more an INFJ and sometimes I’m thinking that I’m more to ENFP.

But why I’m still thinking that INFP is my best true type and embrace it ?

I got the courage after reading and knowing Beebe’s 8 functions model approach to Type Dynamics that based on the work of Carl Jung. And so grateful to read materials that were written by Vicky Jo Varner and Ken Cerney- a man with INFP as his true type. And so, quickly recognizing the things that their wrote in my own personal tendencies.

Honestly, Intraverted Sensation ( Si ) is the function that surprisingly lead me to my findings. When I found out about this one, I started to see how the other functions appears in my life. And so far they are so true !

In the case of a person of with INFP true type, Si is located on the third function. In Beebe’s Jungian 8 Function model, the third function is called either Puer, Puella or Eternal Child. That is means my Si is ranked the third on Top 4 functions ( the 4 natural functions ).

“ Introverted Sensing isn’t simply about remembering something; it’s about recalling an experience in every way — actually re-living it as if it is happening again for the first time.”, Vicky Jo Varner explaining something significant about Si in her website infjorinfp.com. When Si is ranked the third in Top 4 functions, the recalling experience has an innocent, fresh and childlike quality. That is also means I have an emotional relief by enjoying the nostalgia of sweet memories, especially my childhood memories as an easiest way to retreat from stressful life trials.

This is very true in many cases, I’ll be glad to share several of them in this post :

Honestly I have a tendency of spending time dwelling on Memory Lane. That leads me to the tendency of enjoying telling tales from the past – writing it either in flashback technique or a la memoir. Some of the frequent followers of this blog or fellow members of certain Facebook groups will realized and noted this personal tendency from the content of my blog posts.

2. The tendency of visiting the same places frequently

I have this tendency and realized it simply by realizing that I still have a strong desire to re-hike Mount Kinabalu, even after the tragic earthquake that shook Sabah at June 5th 2015. By doing a re-hiking someday in the future, hopefully I can let my mind mesmerizing the sweet memories from previous hiking experience. Honestly, I have the same tendency during my first hiking in 1998. At that time, witnessing the beauty of it in when walking through the jungle and alpine rocks trail reminded me of my childhood dream that sparked after watching a documentary about Mount Kinabalu that was aired on TV Pendidikan.

It is not happened only to Mount Kinabalu but some other places including Tawau-my adopted hometown for 19 years.

The smell of rainfall or any sensory experiences in the present time awakening the beautiful memories either in my childhood or some other time in my past. I’ll not eleborate this because I’ll plan to develop a single blog post about INFP and the affiliations towards rainfalls in the future which are related to this.

4. It’s so hard to throw away old stuff.

Lets this picture telling the truth.

Some of you may have seen this on another blog post. For the newcomers, this is simply some of many memorabilias from my pasts that survived years of decluttering processes. They have age range from 20-25 years old or maybe older than that.

Honestly, I have difficulties of doing decluttering because of strong emotional attachments with old things that remind me of those good old days.

5. My frame of reference begin with yesterday then comparing with what had changed now.

I did realized about this when I have mini school reunions with my ex-classmates twice. When I saw my ex-classmates, I can’t help from comparing what I did saw just now with the mental images I have in my memory, and I feel an astonising wow with every findings.

Having Si as the third functions also means I am sensitive and aware that something is going on with my body, including my inner feelings/mood. It can appear as illness, allergies or pains.

For this blog post however I’ll not including the dark side of having Si as the third natural function even though I know how true it is. Anyone can have a further reading on all or any links that enclosed below to explore that ‘dark side’.

Doraemon’s Time Machine : This is a how Si or Introverted Sense as Puer, Puella or Eternal Child make sense to me.

Introverts usually are book lovers and bookstore junkies… There are higher chances to see and meet introverts hanging out or goes shopping in the bookstores than any other places in town.

Another clue that leading me to accept and embrace my introversion is my affliations on bookstores since my childhood. Many introverts admitting that bookstores is among their favorite places.

Quong Ming Bookstore is still in my list of introverts’ havens. This is one of few favorite places in Tawau Town when I was still a resident of Tawau ten years ago. And this bookstore is where my affliation on bookstores started, long before Popular, Times, Harris or the classic Chowrasta Market.

Somehow, my memories with this historical bookstore are mostly associated with stationary and supplies rather than with books. It is still considered introverts’ haven because it has different vibes than any other shopping outlets in the town. It never drained my energy even on the peak days and hours.

It was started in 1985 when this bookstore still operated from the old classic building at Chester Street. My late father brought me there to buy textbooks and workbooks for primary school also some stationery supplies that I need for schooling.

Years to come and after been influenced by the some of my classmates, I started to have a soft spot for fancy-designed imported pens, mechanical pencils, letter sets and note books. Most of it came from Taiwan, Japan or Korea. Names like Micro, Bensia, Buncho, Kutsuwa, Flomo, Shinn Jee, Golden Tiger, Flying Eagles are still in my mind until now. Due to the high prices, I got those supplies once in a blue moon, comparing to other girls who were able to buy those brands product frequently as some luxury indulgences.

Taiwan-Originated Sharpener-free Bensia Pencils : The first innovative school supplies I knew after the more expensive mechanical pencils from Japan and South Korea. Somehow I get attracted more on the fine-point ball pens with the same design.Credit :Pinterest

Fancy Supplies : One of the reasons I have long-time soft spot on Quong Ming Bookstores. Credits : belindaselene.com

And when I started to develop an interest for colouring books, Quong Ming Book Stores also a place where my late father bought some cute colouring books for me.

When this bookstores opened their new, modern-designed branch ( now the main outlet ) at Sabindo area, a lot of new items attracted me to it like fancy kids storybooks, fancy bookmarks and ecetera. It has a unique smell of new books’ ‘fragrance’ that spreaded over the air-conditioned chill air which I strangely loved. And Quong Ming simply became the quiet version of Disneyland.

Quong Ming Bookstore was still my favorite place when I was in Secondary School. This time, my affiliations on fancy stationaries/supplies still went on but it was updated to satisfy the taste of a young adolescent girl. Coloured pens and markers, fancy designed files, stickers and so on. CP or Creative Product was a new local star brand and I developed a longtime fondness on it since its first appearance in the bookstore. The books in my shopping list were always academic reference books or workbooks. Since I have Tawau Public Library membership, I rarely bought storybooks or novels here. Sometimes I bought magazines for both home reading and scrapbooks purpose.

Before closing the post, lets some personal pictures tells their own story…

A cute but rare A4-sized letter pad I bought from Quong Ming Bookstore in somewhere between 2003-2004. I rarely use it except for special purposes…

The tag price behind the same letter pad. It has the correspondence address of the outlet.

Some other surviving fancy items I bought from Quong Ming Bookstore. If they have age like human, they will be around 20-25 years old !

One of the essential clue that made me realize of my introvert nature is my affiliation on libraries.

And I consider Tawau Public Library as another introverts’ haven.

I spent most of my adolescent period in Tawau. During that period, Tawau Public Library was among my favorite outlets during my solo outings in Saturday. And I consider that as the best days that I have, since I recognized adolescent time as typically and naturally the most difficult time for introverted HSP individuals and Saturdays are the best time for me to recharge and unplug myself.

And the cost for doing a solo introvert outing in Tawau around 1990s was basically less than RM10- that includes bus fares, a plate of Nasi Bambong or Bihun Goreng with an egg, and not forget some little fancy stationery stuff from either Quong Ming Bookstores or exclusive gift shops in Tawau occasionally.

I started to be a library-goer since the second half of 1992, when Tawau Public Library was still located in Wisma Pelabuhan-that in opposite of Padang Bandaran Tawau. During that time, I was just borrowing books from the library for home-reading. Somehow, I was only started to do hours-long stay in the library- for an exclusive studying experience- in 1993, after receiving influences from fellow friends and my longing for a place where I can concentrate on my study without being overwhelmed by overstimulations. When Tawau Public Library was moved to its own beautiful building at Sabindo area around the end of 1993, my Saturday outing-studying routine also started to have some elements of ‘guilty pleasures’ in it. And I even came to the library occasionally on weekdays during SPM season.

Somewhere on Reference & Informations Section on the first floor. This is the place where I was doing my exclusive solo studying session. Somehow this is not my favorite spot since I can’t study privately. But what can I choose when I came at the peak day of the week ? Anyway it was a lot better to study critical subjects right here than studying in a noisy home with lots of distractions, when you are not afford to pay that expensive tuition class tutor fees.

This new location and building allowed me to have my best ‘me time’ when felt overwhelmed by multiple stimulations. Saturday was considered as the peak day of the week-students from various schools of Tawau came to flood the Library for many good reasons. When I was simply get overwhelmed by some overloads on my nervous system, I chose to have a simple decompression by looking at beautiful Sulawesi Sea view either from the unique round windows of reading section or just simply went out from the building, crossing the road and went to Persiaran Traulsen esplanade behind it. Or just simply sitting down and looking at the beautiful plants in the beautiful garden inside the building.

My decision to have a exclusive Saturday studying sessions in this library is one of the reasons for my fateful results in both PMR and SPM examinations.

Another Place On The Same Building: Reading Section area of Tawau Public Library. Also my favorite place where I borrowed some ‘good foods’ for mind and heart.

And Tawau Public Library is the place where my passions for writing ( not surprisingly one of introverts’ favorite activity ) blossomed. I borrowed and read some best books from this place and the big name like Anwar Ridhwan ( Dato’ ), Shahnon Ahmad ( Dato’ ), Arenawati ( Allahyarham ), Othman Puteh ( Allahyarham ), Hashida Sugako, Pandir Kelana, Pearl S. Buck, Freddy. S, Elie Wiesel, Khairuddin Ayip, Mohd. Ismail Sarbini ( Allahyarham ), Mokjamos and much more staying in my heart and mind from then till now. The authors of those books had a huge contributions in what I am today and what have you read in this blog.

Even though I’m no longer a Tawau resident, my affiliation for libraries is remain until this day…

One of my favorite books during my adolescene days and I never know this good book is existed if I never came to Tawau Public Library. A Japanese to Malay translation book written that told me about a true story of Totto-Chan, a Japanese girl who attend Tomoe Gakuen, an unique elementary school which was so different from the mainstream education system on pre-WWII era. This unique school was built from an old train coach and Totto-Chan schooling experiences wouldn’t be the same again after attending Tomoe Gakuen.