Why be strong can be bad advice

This past was written last week and shelved, I went back to this draft today. For you and for me. For everyone who doesn’t let themselves take a break or take a minute to get real with how they are feeling. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t HAVE to be anything.

We’ve had some stuff going on over here. Run into me in a coffee shop and I’ll tell you all about it, no problem, but I won’t be going into it here. The short version is it has taken all my get-up and go to manage all the things and work my way through. There are things to do and decisions to make and I’ve been plugging along like a trooper.

Until I wasn’t. Early last week I just got really sick and tired of the whole thing. I was exhausted from holding all those strings together with a clenched fist. I was worn out. So I cried a little. I lay on the couch watching a movie and having a bit of a cry. It was a fabulous release. I like to do that sometimes and highly recommend it.

Mr Suger came in and he noticed me in a bit of a state. I’m okay, I said, assuring him that no I was not returning to the dark days of marriage past when I was firmly in the grips of depression. Many an afternoon he found me like that. He looked worried. I’m just worn out. I don’t want to handle all this any more. I’m taking a time-out. I get it babe, he said, be strong. Not today, I said, I’m not strong today. Today I’m crying.

Mr Suger didn’t mean any harm. Most days I have the same conversation with myself as I manage to juggle the hundred balls I have in the air (you know, life) at any one time. Be strong. Stay focused. Tick things off that list. But this conversation reminded me of why “be strong” can be such bad advice.

Be strong, which is one of my favourite things to be, is bad advice because I’m allowed to not be strong whenever I chose. I am allowed to allot myself an afternoon to cry and wallow to maintain my sanity. So are you. Soldiering on is great but it’s not everything. Handling things can sometimes wait. Life goes on.

So take some time to lay flat on the floor and cry. Do it in your backyard if you prefer the sunshine. Give yourself permission to feel all the things in a way that is manageable now rather than have them sneak up on you later in a bigger, badder form. Give yourself the space to feel overwhelmed for a minute and you will be surprised how quickly it passes.

Give yourself a break in every sense of the word. Cut yourself some slack AND take some time out. Do it today if you need to. Heck do it now. You don’t need much of anything just to sit there and be okay with your feelings… Nothing much at all. And if all else fails, I find that I cry every single time when I watch the Blind Side. It’s an uplifting cry though. Try that. Or not, whatever works for you.

You don’t HAVE to be anything.

Emma Hinchliff

It’s like you know what to post about when the whole world is about to end. I think I might go have a cry on the weekend and get it over and done with.

Couldn’t agree with you more. I watched my favourite episode of One Tree Hill again this week so I could happy-cry and just let it out. It’s hard when there’s so many balls that need juggling. Thank you for writing this. x

Thank you Danielle, you’re so welcome. The happy-cry is the best. I hope it set you up for a fab week. x

Leesa

Thank you Melissa. You’re reading my mind at the moment! I’ve been feeling like this the last few weeks and I just can’t get on top of things getting on top of me. I’m trying to be strong, like you said, for myself, my husband and my kids, but I’m struggling and just feel like letting go and I have a few times, but haven’t felt that it’s OK to do so. After reading your post though, maybe it is OK to have a cry now and then!?! Thank you. You speak and write with a lot of sense. Take care of you. Leesa 🙂

Thanks so much Melissa for giving so many of us the ‘permission’ to just be. To be who we are, to be what we are & to be why we are. It’s normalising, it’s encouraging, it’s honest & it’s raw. There’s no shame in what you’ve shared (as you know), in fact it allows people, like me, to stop feeling ashamed, to stop feeling like a failure when I can’t handle everything at once. Sometimes I can’t be strong, simply because I don’t know how. And being strong might not solve the problem. In fact on one occasion I wasn’t strong this year, it turned out terribly for me so now I often walk on eggshells, preferring to keep to myself. One day I might have the courage to accept that it was ok not to have been strong on this occasion, to forgive myself for my actions & the outcome, but it’s going to take some time. And I’ve got time, so I’ll be patient.

You’re so welcome. If you can’t hear it from some random on a blog and REALLY hear it, then when can you right? Happy to share my experiences, as always, to reach even one person who feels like they are the only one doing it tough. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a difficult year. Take the time you need. Who knows what’s next for you. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it’s something amazing. x

I was just thinking about this today how people are encouraged to “soldier on” when they have the flu or are a little under the weather – no you don’t have to! Your point about emotional strength is a good one, I know that if I don’t let everything out once in a while (in a positive way, such as a cry or some physical activity) then I tend to scrunch my rage up into a bitter little ball… and then out it will come at an inappropriate moment (I think I’m paraphrasing a Simpsons quote there!).

Oh yeah, this is actually a bugbear of mine. I’m constantly saying to people at work “are you sick? You LOOK sick, fi you’re sick you need to go. Like now!” and bossing them out the door. Solider on somewhere else, I’m avoiding the plague this year thank you very much! 😉

Trina

I agree. Tough work being the strong one at times. Craig took me away for the night recently to chill cause I was at breaking point. It was needed and well worth it!

Thank you Erin. I’m sorry to hear of your current circumstances. Please know that I’m thinking of you and your father as you spend this unique time together. Make time for you, that’s ok, I promise. Take care. x

Sending love. Sometimes it’s hard to give in and remember we are only human, and that things do build up, and crying is a good outlet. I know when I get depressed, or down, I beat myself up even more because of it. I need to remember, hey, sometimes sheeeet happens and you need a ’emotional heath’ day. This post is something I really needed to read. Thank you.

You’re so welcome Nat. Glad to be here when you needed me in this way. It’s a lesson I found hard to learn, so one I’m happy to share. x

Samantha Minny

I totally get this feeling. I’ve had it so strongly this week.
We have had massive wedding drama (two weeks out!) and have ended up with no best man thanks to a bust up over a stupid fucking dog. It just all caught up with me last night. So I played a bit of PS4 and cried and it was wonderful.
I hope whatever you’re juggling calms down and you get to a stage where you can take a breather and be at peace with it. xx

Melissa Walker Horn

Oh no Samantha, that’s the worst. I’m glad you took the time to have a cry and just wallow in it for a bit. When stuff like this happens, you just need to. And I’m good, thank you for asking. x