Monday, December 29, 2008

It was cold and dangerous in Zurich, Switzerland, when two tourists got lost in the snow covered mountains.

The tourists, two men from France, tried to call for help, but the battery died in their cell phone. The mountain rescue service, Rega, received the initial signal, but it was lost too quickly to pinpoint their exact position, except that it was somewhere near the Savognin resourt in southeast Switzerland.

Gery Baumann, a Rega spokesperson said, "The two winter sports enthusiasts were found by the crew of the Rega helicopter shortly after midnight -- thanks to the faint light of their MP3 player."

The MP3 player was rather modest regarding its heroic part in the rescue effort, and offered its sentiments by playing this tune:

Apparently, an elderly customer, who had lost all faith in financial institutions, stashed her life savings in the “Bernie the Bunny” box. She purchased two boxes of crackers and needed only one, so when she returned one of the boxes to the store, it was the wrong box – the one with the stash. She panicked and returned to the store to retrieve it, but the store had restocked its shelf of Annie's Sour Cream & Onion Cheddar Bunnies and sold the box containing the loot for roughly $3.29.

Meanwhile, after purchasing and opening the box of crackers, the Rogoffs called the police, thinking that the $10,000 might have been part of a drug drop, and they wanted to put the perceived drug cartel out of business.

"We would never feel good about spending it," Rogoff said.

The store manager told the police about the elderly customer, who left her name and telephone number at the Customer Service desk, in case the box was returned; and this story has a happy ending.

The Rogoffs received a free box of Annie's Sour Cream & Onion Cheddar Bunnies; and the elderly customer was advised on how to safely hide money at home in rodent and fire-proof frozen vegetables; cold storage, so to speak. However, this granny had another anti-theft device up her sleeve, as well.

Friday, December 26, 2008

His name is Snowzilla and he mysteriously appeared out of nowhere in the suburbs of Anchorage, Alaska. This 25 foot Frosty has definitely been on anabolic steroids and is causing an otherwise quiet community to experience an unusual amount of traffic and rubber neckers. He picked Billy Powers’ front yard to sit in, ignoring all of the city’s cease-and-desist orders.

In past years, a giant holiday snowman was built by the Powers family, but the community put up such a fuss, fearing that he would lose his head and cause an accident, that the family decided not to build him this year. Instead, somehow, in the middle of the night, a normal 5 foot snowman that was already in the front yard took steroids and grew into this 25 foot giant.

Other theories surfaced that a group of locals, who were drinking holiday moonshine decided to get even with the neighbors and used a quiet fork lift to build him after the bars closed; or that Jack LaLaine went up there and fed the thing some carrot juice.

Anyway, because of the magic under his silk hat, Snowzilla was protected from being hosed down by the fire department when a local ambulance chaser and the Civil Liberties Union came to his defense, just in time.

Today, Snowzilla, just sits there in the Powers' front yard with a “Make my Day” sign positioned right under the City's red injunction stickers.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

After the Sunday night NY Jets vs. Seattle Seahawks game, where the Jets lost 13-3, damaging New York’s play-off hopes, a terrific snowball fight ensued. Seattle Fans booed and pelted the Jets team members with snowballs as each of them left the field. I’ve heard of sore losers, but I never heard of sore winners, but that’s what they did. NY Jets defensive, Shaun Ellis, couldn't stand it anymore, so he tossed a giant block of snow back at the fans. Consequently, the NFL fined him $10,000.

It was only snow and he didn’t lace the snowball with anything harmful, like an M80 for the few mean-spirited fans, so why the stiff penalty?

The fans, who were jeering and instigated the whole snowball throwing fiasco were not penalized. They all went back to the 49th parallel and honed their snowball throwing skills at Olympic National Park to keep in shape for next year.

A spokesman for the NFL said, "Shaun Ellis was fined $10,000 for tossing a large snow clump in the direction of fans. Players are notified prior to each season that any contact with fans that potentially presents crowd-control issues and risk of injury is prohibited, Players are informed that they must not confront fans at any time on game day and must leave those types of issues to security personnel," added the NFL.

Shaun, next time, hire the Phillies Phanatic to toss the snow. He only charges a C-note and the NFL can't touch him.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A pig from Beijing named "Zhu Jianqiang" or "Strong Pig” that survived 36 days buried in the rubble of a 7.9 magnitude earthquake has been voted “favorite animal” in China. However, mainland media sources say that the ordeal has made him fat, lazy and bad-tempered.

I’d like to tell you something exciting like he was buried in the rubble of a prime four-star Sichuan Chinese restaurant in moldy vegetable lo mein, but in reality, the hog, survived only on charcoal and rainwater.

After the vote, the pig "vividly illustrated the spirit of never giving up," a Chinese web poll reported.

“People come from all over to see the pig at its new home in a museum,” one newspaper said, “but it has become increasingly spoiled and ungrateful.”

"It's gotten fatter and lazier by the day," media sources quoted staff of saying. "We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it's too lazy - and too fat - to do it."

The pig is also demonstrating anti-social behavior, after initially being quite friendly.

I suppose that after 36 days on charcoal and water, any animal would be pissed. Zhu Jianqiang probably thought they were all holding out on him.

"Now it just blocks the door to its bedroom when there are too many visitors outside. It's been increasingly difficult for us to convince it to open the door," a spokesperson said.

Other notable animals that were nominated for the vote and scheduled for honorable mention on a Sichuan place mat, include a dog that guarded its owner when the elderly man was sick, and a cat that won’t be in the kettle anytime soon because it almost died of grief when its feline partner was flattened by a Dongfeng Kingland truck.

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Felony Court judge, Nicholas Ford, saw two men breaking into his wife's car and rather than call the police, he decided to take the law into his own hands and chase them down. His wife is District Judge Callie Baird. Two suspects were arrested and are now in custody.

Our super hero, Judge Ford, a former prosecutor, but no Olympic sprinter, told reporters that he had pinned one suspect down on the ground, but the guy managed to push him away and took off.

"I was fully antagonized," Judge Ford said. "I was just chugging. I'm not an elite runner. I thought I was going to have a grabber."

Ford caught up with the man, and police arrived and made an arrest. The second suspect was arrested nearby.

The judge got a first-hand look at the criminal justice system from the victim's standpoint. He was detained in the police station until 2 a.m., but signed an arrest warrant before he left.

No one knew if the car was a typical “come and get me” 2-door rear-wheel drive muscle car with a powerful V8 engine, the engine was running, or the Judge was in full robe for the chase.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The only place on the planet where a group of people can protest in the nude amidst Christmas trees, menorahs, and nativity scenes outside City Hall and not get arrested is Paris.

Today, nude models have taken to the streets of Paris in their work uniforms protesting what they believe is the lack of respect, monetary rewards, and recognition of their craft.

Trust me, it’s not easy marching all goose-bumped to demand compensation for this time-honored aspect of art, but these life models have done it. Currently, models are earning the paltry sum of $10 Euros an hour to pose nude. Most of them are college students and part-time workers trying to make ends meet. The only thing they carry is a fanny pouch of DayQuil, nasal spray, aspirin, and Perrier.

One of the models, Christophe Lemée, told reporters “I will often do nine-hour days you have to be very athletic to do that. Each session is three hours long, divided into 45-minute poses followed by 15 minutes of rest. It’s no easier holding a sitting pose than a standing pose. The weight will always be concentrated on some part of your body. I call it dancing without moving. You need a lot of psychological concentration to cope. You have to learn what your body can and can’t do. I try to swim for an hour in the mornings to keep my body in condition for the poses.”

My reaction to that is digital cameras are more efficient, but then people have a right to work, right? Nude modeling is respectable, Benji did it in “Off the Leash” for a few months and even did a sequel.

None of the folks in the mainstream media were at liberty to photograph the parade. However, in a few days, you will be able to find it on YouTube.

A news reporter met up with one of them to find out that the day job is over in Disneyland, Paris. Like I said, only in Paris can you have the best of both worlds:

Saturday, December 13, 2008

With less than 12 shopping days left until Christmas, advertisers have come up with an ingenious way to warn people of potential hazards in our diverse culture. Warning signs like these make using words like “Stand Clear of Door” “Soporte claro de puerta,” “Stand dégagé de la porte,” or “Basamento libero del portello,” unnecessary.

Things like manufacturing bus door mechanisms and safety devices are often outsourced to countries outside the U.S. Some of the companies performing the work do not have the high Quality Control (QC) standards, as products made in the USA.

There are bus doors in major American cities containing carriage bolts that were installed by a team of Albino midgets from the Emerald Forest. You can spot them by their limp eco green color. But if you really can’t tell where the doors on the bus you are riding were manufactured (i.e., the word “China” or “Taiwan” doesn’t appear anywhere near the sandpapered VIN number inside the door gasket), and you are from Illinois, chances are they are refurbished doors from Serbia – single point of failure being Rod Blagojevich.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I have never been a great student of politics. I have always believed that heated debates over “left wing” and “right wing” politics, is nothing more than a bunch of politically inept analysts throwing meaningless “buzz words” around like a dog licks his testicles – because he can. Media analysts have the broadcast network platform, while the dog simply has his balls. Both feel confident and satisfied, but what do I know?

Associating wings with politics to me, is like comparing apples to oranges. Wings are a connotation of angels and good intentions; while politics connotes bribery and corruption.

I’m told that “right wing” politicians value tradition and capitalism, while “left wing” supporters value equalitarianism. There is also something called “bipartisan,” which promotes center politics - a middle of the road policy path between the right and left wing, much like "bisexual."

Case in point: Watching and listening to this video of Rod Blagojevich, the first Democrat in 30 years to be elected Governor of Illinois, you do get the feeling that he was trained in public speaking by a TV evangelist (earning “wing” points): confident, extroverted, and full of crap. However, It was filmed way before he was charged with conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud as well as solicitation of bribery and several "pay to play" schemes, including attempting to sell President-elect Barack Obama's vacated United States Senate seat to the highest bidder.

He has also managed to piss off his father-in-law, Chicago Alderman Richard Mell, who might very well be FBI informant "A."

Maybe they should consider changing the “wing” description to “Black” and “white," so that you can distinguish between the good guys and bad. You know, like in all those Western movies where you could always spot the the bad guys, they wore the black hats?

In this film clip, The Rod can also be said to support "buffalo wing" politics, as in "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tonya Carrington of London, England, bought a hand-held Nintendo DS Scrabble game console for her eight-year-old son, Ethan. She assumed that it would serve to increase his vocabulary. There are virtual characters in the game that you play against, one of whom is named Camilla.

Little Ethan was having a great time playing scrabble with Camilla and learned that the word “tits” could either mean ‘a garden bird’ or ‘an informal word for female breasts.’ "Shit" came up a few times, but he already knew that one. So as not to stifle his education, he didn’t tell his mother right away until "f*ckers" received a triple score and Camilla won the game. The word was defined as being 'a slang word for chavs’ (a British term for ‘low life’).

Ethan’s mother didn’t believe him at first. Then, she played the game against another virtual character and the same thing happened only with different obscenities.

The Carringtons complained to Nintendo. Nintendo blamed the publisher, Ubisoft.

A spokesperson for Ubisoft said, "We are sorry the game has caused concern, but it includes a ‘junior’ option that stops it from using unusual or offensive words.”

They have also filed a complaint with Pan European Game Information, but have yet to get a response.

While you are running out to buy a Nintendo DS for a little one on your shopping list, please make sure to get the Junior edition. The language is less offensive.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Larry Dean Stewart (1948-2007) of Kansas City, a self made millionaire, came up with a partial solution to the economic Grinch back in 1979 when he was fired from his job.

On that day, he went to lunch and tipped the waitress $20. The look on her face was priceless! It gave him another million dollar idea - the Secret Santa.

Every December, from 1979 until his death in 2007, Larry gave away money totaling over one million dollars in $100 bills to needy individuals in stores and on the street in Kansas City, Phoenix, and St. Louis, as The Secret Santa. He kept his true identity secret until the last few years of his life for security reasons, plus he didn’t need kudos for his philanthropic efforts to help those in need.

Larry's friends and relatives are carrying on that tradition coast-to-coast, today, based on a promise they made to him in 2007. A whole Secret Santa Society has been formed and author, Donna McGuire, and World 2 Publishing, LLC, have released a book to support the effort titled Santa’s Secret.

Most of us are busy with our lives and are not millionaires, but every contribution helps the cause. Maybe some of us have an extra $20, the price of the book?

If everyone would buy a copy of this book in support of Secret Santa, thousands of families will enjoy a brighter Christmas and the economic Grinch will not steal Christmas 2008.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The folks at Japan’s Kushiro Municipal Zoo tried unsuccessfully to mate two polar bears, but did not realize that they were both female until last week.

Tsuyoshi and Kurumi are the resident bears. Tsuyoshi was identified as a boy three months after she was born and no one bothered to check after that.

Zookeepers and researchers gave all kinds of excuses for trying to make a lesbian out of Tsuyoshi:

1. She was too furry2. We couldn’t detect a boner, but what do we know?3. Bears always squat when they pee4. Manual checks are not practical5. We were hesitant to anaesthetize Tsuyoshi to make sure6. Polar bears have outies (navels)

Kurumi was not amused and began to growl the theme song from Yentl. Tsuyoshi jumped ship to find herself within the scheme of things....

In the meantime, Knut, the star polar bear of the Belin zoo is being evicted. Maybe the match making shadchan should know?

Now a fully grown bear weighing some 440 pounds, Knut is the sex symbol of the polar bear community and was born in captivity. His package has already been examined and he's all man.

... and then along came KnutTall mean KnutSlow-walkin' KnutSlow-talkin' KnutAlong came long, mean, sexy Knut

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ralph, an Australian men's magazine has reported that 130,000 inflatable breasts have gone missing. The magazine purchased the breasts to use as free gifts for its January issue.

The container with the plastic boobs left the loading docks in Beijing two weeks ago, but arrived empty in Sydney this week (source News.com.au).

Ralph’s editor in chief, Santi Pintado, is urging anyone with information about the missing cargo, said to be worth £85,000, to contact the magazine directly.

"Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are," Pintado said. "If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know."

I suppose that plastic breasts could be used as pirate eye patches, or a good place to stash the booty, but I seem to recall that about 150 pilot whales washed up on the beaches in Australia recently. Maybe they were playing breast ball or mistook them for one-eyed squid?

Monday, December 1, 2008

All over the mainstream media, reports are gloomy, indicating that the fraction of a billion dollars that was not spent on this past Black Friday will affect Christmas. However, the real deal, the National Retail Federation (NRF) estimated that people spent an average of $372.57 on Friday, which represents a 7.2% increase over last year. However, it also alluded to the fact that it does not want to bust everyone else’s bubble either - those folks, who are calling for economic doom and gloom.

I guess all the other media analysts are being paid by the Democrats, who want everyone to think things are worse than they actually are and are relying on our new President to leap tall buildings at a single bound in January.

Maybe they all have stock in Prozac?

For as long as I can remember, Black Friday and Cyber Monday never meant Jack Schitt in my house. Those are the days everyone in my family stay away from the shopping Malls, clogged traffic arteries, and shopping cart demolition derbys. The only exception being our teenagers, who like to hang out at the food courts, eating pizza, and watching all the viral shoppers knock each other over like yulefest Weebles to save a yuletide dollar. Occasionally, the kids report back to the house with their Blackberrys that someone took a header out in the parking lot, or some sweet little old lady whacked a kid with a candy cane because she thought he was memorizing her PIN number, so he could treat himself to another beef jerky.

Some industry analysts are also assuming that because the Thanksgiving holiday fell later in November this year, there is one less week to Christmas shop; therefore, ruining Christmas for retailers. More doom and gloom.

Maybe these analysts should be introduced to a few Hare Krishnas?

I don’t know how that could possibly affect my particular gift list, except that I have to buy the same stuff in four weeks instead of five. Actually, I bought a few things earlier, so I have less people to shop for during the next crucial four weeks. I used July/August coupons. Capitol One and the retailers got some of what’s in my wallet a little early. My gift list has not changed because we ate turkey on November 27th this year, because on November 28th I didn’t pull a Scrooge and quick grab a #2 pencil to cross anyone off my list. I always buy cheap gifts. Its an aquired habit. I expect that everyone else’s gift list will also remain the same. All the gifts will be purchased within the time frame left until Christmas, whether purchased at the Mall or online.

Why don’t they poll average Americans?

I tried reaching the North Pole to ask if Santa had indigestion or something from eating turkey on the 27th instead of the 22nd, and maybe moved a bundle of toys to the back burner, but he and the elves were laughing too hard at all the sad sacks in the media.

Buy my humor ebook: Sitting on Cold Porcelain

About Me

Twitter: @rosevalenta Humor columnist.
Welcome to Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog. The word "Renegade" describes it all - seriocomic musings about current events, politics, sports, and humorous happenings from around the world. You know, "Skinny Dipping!"
I attend the bi-annual Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, am one of the directors of the Robert Benchley Society, and the previous Membership Chair of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
I wrote for a subsidiary of McGraw-Hill for 12 years, as a technical staff writer and freelanced for other industry publications. I took creative writing courses at Delaware Technical College and attended classes at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Many of my articles are syndicated and have appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday.com, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.

I am available for speaking engagements, please e-mail: ebww2014@comcast.net