Stories from the life of a strong woman with a sharp tongue and a warm heart.

08/11/2013

Fewer Birthdays

I love the American Cancer Society's theme: More Birthdays! It connotes so many positive things and it gives everyone a goal to fight for.

Today, I feel compelled to talk about the opposite. I hope that means that this will reach someone who needs to read it, or needs to think about it, or needs to know they are not alone.

My Dad would have been 76 tomorrow. These days, absent a tragedy, 76 is not old. 76 is a time to relax, spend time with grandchildren (and then send them back to their parents so one can relax) and take as many naps as one wants. Naps are great. I mean, I am not saying it's worth getting older just for the naps, but it doesn't hurt.

My Dad never had those times because he was an alcoholic. Even before he died, we watched him fade away into the bottle. That may sound like a metaphor, but if you ask anyone who has an addict in their family, they will tell you it is true. Except, sometimes, for the fading part. There is nothing gentle about it. Addiction is one demanding bitch of a mistress. Once in her throes, you follow or you become monstrous - and many times, with increasing frequency as the addiction continues, the monster stays even when its mistress is sated.

We have addiction in our family, and the propensity is genetic. I worry about my kids. Hell, I worry about everyone I know. I started going to ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) in my 20s, and it helped save my sanity, if not my life. There are sister organizations for family members of addicts of all kinds. If you, for one second, think it's somehow your fault, or - and here is the big one for control freaks - that there is something YOU can do to make the addict stop, get your ass to a meeting somewhere, stat. Because that kind of thinking will make you batshit crazy.

Conversely, there ARE things you can do for yourself and learning about co-dependent behavior is a massive one. Some of us, especially those with addicted parents, learn co-dependency from day one. It comes naturally to us, and leads to really destructive relationships, depression, and a generally crappy life. Re-learning and changing co-dependent behavior is a lifetime challenge, so don't kid yourself - a couple of meetings is not going to do it. But at least it is something we can do for ourselves, and there is power in that acknowledgement.

I miss my Dad. I miss having a Dad. But - and it actually causes me physical pain to say this out loud - I don't miss the man who died last year. That sounds heartless, doesn't it? I mean, it's a Commandment and everything - one of the Big Ten! I loved him, and especially at the end, I tried to honor him by following his wishes. But it broke my heart, because I watched a good man die too soon. The death certificate is immaterial - the booze killed him. And there was a good man in there, even though not everyone viewed him that way. Nothing to be done about that, except to know in my deepest soul that he and I both believe in a divine and merciful God whose love for all his children exceeds human understanding. There is a prayer that includes this about people who die: "Gone before us, marked with the sign of faith." The Priest at Dad's funeral reminded us of that several times, and I rely on it.

And I have great memories to sustain my thoughts of my Dad before - and after- his addiction started taking him from us in increments both big and small. That's the other thing about it - it's not just watching the physical body deteriorate - it's watching the person do the same. Addicts behave in ways that horrify their sober selves. I am NOT making excuses for anyone's behavior - but I hope I am helping at least one other person begin to understand the power of addiction.

There are lots of places for people to get help - addicts and family members too - start with one of the AA groups, or talk to someone at a respected rehab center. There are many, many people who do nothing but try to stop the runaway train of addiction before it crashes - because when it does, more people than just the addict are damaged.

At one of my first ACOA meetings, the discussion leader said: "There are only two endings for an addict's story - get sober or die. Addiction won't settle for anything in between."

My Dad never got sober. It cost him, and all of us, too many birthdays.

Comments

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Thank you, Kathy, for this honest and moving post. You are brave to share your pain, and I'm sorry you lost your father in this manner.

As you know, my son struggles with addiction. He has been clean/sober for 2 years+ now. One thing I learned through the many rough times we experienced is to cleave to the Lifeguard Rule: Save yourself first.

Extremely brave of you, Kathy. I am sorry you lost your dad and sorrier for the circumstances. Everything you wrote is right on the money.

The central miracle of my life was finding my way into AA, exactly half a life ago. I can't imagine what kind of mother (or sister or daughter or friend or artist) I'd have been had I not stumbled into my first meeting. And years later, when divorce was breaking my heart and making me crazy, Alanon saved me.

I love you, Kathy. Your dad was lucky to have you as his kid. Your whole family is lucky.

I'm very moved by this. I worry about my significant (sometimes not so significant) other as his Dad was one in a long line of alcoholics. His sister, a nurse, lost her job because of addiction due to taking drugs after an on the job back injury. He doesn't drink, take drugs or smoke but I feel like I am waiting for that other shoe to drop. Thank you for sharing this Kathy.

I always love reading your posts but this one deeply touched my heart. Thanks for your courage in bringing up the really touch subjects! Recovery is possible and AA and Alanon have changed my family in ways we never imagined. I'd be happy to share my experience, strength and hope with anyone who's looking for help!

Being the sister of Kathy's Dad and trying to hang onto some kind of a relationship with him was the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and that includes 2 bouts with cancer.

I was having dinner with a dear friend who was dying of cancer when my brother walked into the restaurant alone and this was the month before he died. Looking at him and looking at her was such a contrast. Many say alcoholism is a disease but I couldn't separate out my friends cancer with his drinking. She was very sick but hadn't said and done lots of stuff to evrybody in her family that was unpleasant.

She knew the whole situation was really bothering me and we both knew he didn't have long on the planet. She said, "I'll wait for you in the car. Go over to your brother's table and talk to him." Good advice. We talked and I think it made both of us feel better. It was the first conversation in years that was a positive one. It was basically our last talk except for the one at the hospital before he died.

Yes, I remember it is his 76th birthday. I have his photo on my frig. He was the big brown eyed brother at 10 years old and I was the little sister who he always took care of.

I hope fewer people will have to go through the pain of addiction. There is no handbook on how to do it.

Ending with a positive note--my dear friend survived her cancer and has been clear.

The AA saying is "we are as sick as the secrets we keep" but it takes a lot of courage to be the one to pipe up and talk about it. Especially if there's a family rule about not airing dirty laundry. Which there generally is.

Kathy, we are sisters under the skin. My dad was an alcoholic, the kind who drank himself into a stupor (on beer) and then abused the hell out of his family with his words. Since I was the oldest kid, I took a lot of the brunt of it. It's so complicated, isn't it? You love the person so much, but you cannot stand to be with them. He could never hold a job, and my mother had to go to work when I was a toddler, just to make ends meet. This was in the fifties, when women made less pay that servants, even in offices where they had to keep up their appearance.

My dad died when I was 17; he was not yet 40. It was a defining moment in my life, and has informed nearly every choice I've made in the last 44 years. How could it not?

Kathy,
Thanks SO much for sharing this. You have no idea how this has helped with understanding things better because, as sad as this awful addiction is, we have a brother who is a HORRIBLE alcoholic!! The only one of 9 kids and the only one in our family but he is a mess and has destroyed his relationship with his own family (lost his wife through divorce and kids who will not talk with him). I so appreciate your honesty and my heart goes out to you. It makes me think of my dear nieces and nephews who are going through so much with their own Dad what you went through with yours. We have done EVERYTHING we can and he is one "lucky" man, if you can call it that, with the "help" we TRIED to give him. Thousands of dollars spent to help him yet....no appreciation from him and still an alcoholic. However, in hindsight, WE needed to understand addiction better because we were also enablers without realizing it. Thank you again and again! You have no idea how this has helped in so many ways. Sadly, he is "choosing" alcohol over all else in life...wonderful family relationships, including seeing his own sweet grandchildren. ~Blessings to you always.

My father was one of 11 children 9 of which had a problem with alcohol. Some were full blown alcoholics; some were alcohol abusers, my father being one of those.
Neither I nor any of my siblings drink. My daughter does not drink. We are too aware of the dangers of genetic addiction.
Unfortunately, I have watched the ravages of addiction in my cousins and their children. I can do nothing but pray that they will get help.
Thanks for your guts and honesty in your blog. We have missed you and are glad you are back!