Mark Sanchez: Wow, Shonn! We beat the Colts! In the playoffs! In their house! That was awesome!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: We beat Peyton Manning!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: And I conducted the game-winning drive after he seemed to have us beat!

Shonn Greene: Yup.

Sanchez: I guess you could say I’m better than Peyton Manning now, right?

Shonn Greene: Not really.

Sanchez: Well, either way, I’m completely confident we can beat the Patriots now! If I beat Peyton, then I can beat Tom Brady, right?

Shonn Greene: Maybe.

Sanchez: If we beat the Pats, that means I could be better than both Peyton AND Tom Brady, right?

Shonn Greene: Hell, no.

Sanchez: I think it’s possible.

Shonn Greene: No, it ain’t.

Sanchez: You think Coach has a plan?

Shonn Greene: Yeah, and it ain’t you being better than Tom Brady.

(door flies open)

Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?!

Sanchez: Good, Coach.

Ryan: Oh, men. MEN. Men, let me tell you about the growler I laid down in the toilet this morning. I woke up, felt a shit coming on, sat down on the toilet with an egg and ham burrito, and did my business. And when I got up? MAGIC. There, in my very own toilet, was Bart Scott’s forearm. And it was swirling around the bowl. And it wouldn’t stop! It was like it had a very small motor attached to the back and just kept on swirling round and round. THAT SHIT NEVER GAVE UP ON THE PLAY! And I want you boys to be like that shit on Sunday. Always moving. Always circling. READY TO FUCKING KILL! Do you understand me?

Everyone: Yes, sir.

Ryan: Now, first order of business: Nicknames! Nacho, your new nickname is El Cielo!

Sanchez: The Sky, sir?

Ryan: That’s right. Because that’s where you seem to aim every goddamn pass you throw! Throw lower, son. Picture tits where the jersey numbers are. That shouldn’t be hard for you.

(burps)

Sanchez: Yes, sir.

Ryan: Next order of business: TRASH TALKING! Dalmatians! Where the fuck is Dalmatians?

Cromartie: Right here, sir. (impregnates six women at once)

Ryan: Now Dalmatians, I understand you’ve said some unkind things about our opponents on Sunday. You called Tom Brady an “asshole”?

Cromartie: Yes, sir.

Ryan: You know how I frown on that sort of thing.

(pulls entire meatball sub out of sweater vest)

Cromartie: Yes, sir.

Ryan: First off, Tom Brady is NOT an asshole. He’s a douchebag. Look at the wardrobe. That’s pure douche. Second of all, “asshole”? You can do better than that, Dalmatians! I don’t sit here cursing my balls off four hours a day just so you can lazily call someone an asshole! You need to get more creative! REALLY get under that fuckface’s skin! Call him a CUNT BOIL!

Cromartie: A cunt boil, sir?

Ryan: Yeah! A big, red, infected, dripping boil right on a girl’s cunt! All oozing and runny and shit! THAT’S WHAT I THINK OF WHEN I SEE THAT COCKSUCKER FEATHER HIS HAIR ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD!

(unbuckles belt, sticks hand down pants, smells hand)

Sanchez: What if we called him a Douche Taco?

Ryan: That’s better, El Cielo!

Cromartie: What if I say that cunt boil’s got more white babies than a house in Utah?

Ryan: Now that’s thinking about your assignment!

Shonn Greene: The only thing Tom Brady’s bitch DOESN’T make him wear is a pair of testicles.

Ryan: BAHAHAHAHA!

Sanchez: I think I saw half a roll of Charmin stuck in that dickhead’s chin cleft the other day.

Tommy: IT’S YOU EATING A CAWK, THAT’S WHAT IT IS! You Jets make me want to fackin’ puke! Sitting here-ah, insulting what is bahhhh none the classiest team in all of sparts! These Pats ahhh just like they-ah fans! They keep they-ah mouths shut and get shit done! THEY REFUSE TO ENGAGE IN IMMATURE-AH INSULTS! You cunts! Hey Rex, I saw a picture of your wife’s pussy online the othah day and it looked like ROADKILL!

Sanchez: You better get the fuck out of here.

Tommy: No! I refuse! I am a fightah! AND I AM FROM THE ‘TOWN! YOU DO NAWT SCAY-AH ME! I’ve been fightin’ dahkies in bahhs since before-ah your spic family jumped the wawll! Let’s face it, Jets. YOU AHHH NAWT OW-AH RIVALS! NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(demands Biohazard be played on the stereo)

Sanchez: Sure we are.

Tommy: No you ahhh nawt! Let’s take a look at the criteria fahhh what makes a great rivalry, shall we?

DOES IT ALLOW ME TO MENTION THAT I KNOW WHO BIGGIE AND ‘PAC AHHH? No check!

DOES THE RIVALRY BRING OUT THE HAHHHDEST CHEE-AHS FROM THE LEGENDARY BIRD NATION FAITHFUL, ELEVATING SPARTS TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL WITH OW-AH COLLECTIVE GRIT? No check! We save those far Manningface only, which is why we always beat him!

(dips Ortho fertilizer)

AHHH THE TWO TEAMS EQUAL? No check! We ahhh bettah than you glass cunts! And we ahh toughah! Danny Woodhead is from North Platte, Nebraskah! That’s the Quinzee of Nebraskah!

Tommy: FOUR-AH! ELI WAS IN THE GRASP! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Menawhile, you facks have nevah won a Super Bowl since I began following this spart all the way back in 2001! That makes you losahs!

That’s the checklist. EVERYONE AGREES THAT IS THE UNIVERSAL CHECKLIST FAR A GREAT RIVALRY! AND YOU DO NAWT COMPAY-AHHHH!

NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

FOOTBALL ME-ETS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

Sanchez: Didn’t your team lose to the Mets in a World Series?

Tommy: You shut yar cunt! Only Bawston people can bring up THE GAME to Bawston people! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! Oh, I remembah sitting they-ah that day when Bucknah let that bawll go. And I turned to my Dad, and I asked him (chokes up), “Dad, will things evah be the same?” And he said…

Ryan: Will someone get this piece of white trash Quincy shit out of my locker room?

Tommy: IT’S QUINZEE! The fact that you pronounced it wrong shows you just how ignorant you ahh of critical Massachusetts geography everyone should know! You ahh a nothing team! You ahh impawstahs! And yar wetback QB is fucking terrible and lucky to be here-ah! You will nevah be like Tawmmy Brady! EVAH! He’ll win more Super Bowls, bang hawttah women, make more-ah non-dahkie babies, and be revee-ahhhhed in REVEE-AH!!!

(parked black pickup truck in handicap spot)

Ryan: Men, hold him down.

Cromartie: Got it.

(holds Tommy down)

Tommy: WHAT AHH YOU DOING? YOU CAN’T HOLD DOWN A SAWX FAN FAHHH LONG! WE HAVE HAHHHHT!

Ryan: I want you to go back and deliver a message to your fucking little band of overachievers.

Tommy: That’s easy! I know Tawm Brady! We almost pahhhtied aftah Super Bowl Farty Two and I can prove it!

Ryan: Shut up. You tell your boys that Rex Ryan and his men aren’t gonna lay down so easy this time. You think you have this game in the bag. You think we’re talking shit because we’re afraid. Because we got beat good the last team we were at your little Klan rally of a stadium. But we’re not afraid of you. We’ll never be afraid of you weaselly little sacks of dogshit. EVER. The reason we like to talk shit about you is because we HATE you. We truly hate you, and we want to inflict great harm upon you. We want to hurt you, and make you bleed, and cause your families to worry about you when you’re lying there on the turf wriggling around like a little bitch. That’s why we’re talking shit, young man. It’s not a pose. It’s real evil in our hearts. It’s a real desire to do bad things to you, and to do them repeatedly. Maybe you’ll win on Sunday. Everyone says you will. Maybe so. But I promise you: We will make it fucking HURT. Badly. Do you understand what I’m telling you?

Tommy: YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST FROM ME ABOUT HOW LITTLE WE TALK SHIT! NAWT OW-AH RIVALS!

(clap clap clapclapclap)

Ryan: Shut the door.

(Everyone shuts the door.)

Ryan: Bring it in.

(Everyone brings it in.)

Ryan: That is what you’re up against this week, men. The best team. The best coach. The best QB. And sixty thousand of the worst, the lousiest, the most obnoxious sacks of shit God ever squeezed out of his asshole. Are you ready to fucking KILL that?

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: El Cielo, are you ready?

Sanchez: More ready than I’ve ever been, sir.

(wads up piece of paper, overthrows trash basket by sixty yards)

Ryan: Are you ready to match Brady blow for blow?

Sanchez: Yes, sir.

Ryan: Are you ready to tag some Brazilian ass after that?

Sanchez: Well, I…

Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Cielo is ready to go to the Pussyscarria and have the pink beef buffet! THAT’S GREAT HUSTLE!

(slaps Sanchez on ass, HARD)

Sanchez: Ouch!

Ryan: FUCKING HANDS IN.

(everyone puts hands in)

Ryan: Men, this is it. I don’t give a fuck if we win this game and then lose the next game 72-0, so long as we win THIS fucking game. So long as we beat THIS fucking team and send their fans back to their fucking white trash row houses with their thumbs up their dicks. Do you understand?

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: This is not optional. You WILL win on Sunday, because you are fucking winners. You WILL grab these fuckers by the hair and run them through a fucking steel wall. You will become masters of death. You will take your scythes and rip out their fucking hearts and hand it to them. You will see the terror in their eyes and you will justify every horrible fear they have in their minds. You cut them open and play the fiddle with their insides. Do you fucking understand me?

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING KILL?!

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING CRUSH?!

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING WIN AND SCORE SOME TROPICAL PUSSY?!

Everyone: Yes!

Ryan: FUCKING WIN ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE!!

Everyone: WIN!

Ryan: Damn, that was good. Someone go outside and give that Masshole an extra punch.

Was I the only one hearing the “NAWT YOU! NAWT YOU! NAWT YOU! AND NAWT YOU!” bit in my head reading this?

01.13.11 at 2:42 pm

BWT

/tears of joy

brilliance

01.13.11 at 2:43 pm

85

That’s what I’m fucking talking about right there.

01.13.11 at 2:46 pm

MenaceIISobriety

no screen is wide enought for that grinning blimp of a cartoon character, Coach Ryan

01.13.11 at 2:46 pm

0tarin

Rex’s soliloquy there felt so out of character due to its lack of exclamation points, yet it brought a tear to my eye. And the thrilling conclusion! Rexy understands what being a fan is all about. Beautiful work.

01.13.11 at 2:48 pm

Johnny Blaze

That was GREAT. Tommy showing up just made the highlight of my day!!! Love REX

01.13.11 at 2:48 pm

Big Daddy Drew

Those are the four options EVERY time (Blake Griffin) goes in the air. Watching it unfold reminds me of watching my 3-year-old son, who’s equally fearless

That Simmons rivalry piece almost made me want to quit watching football. But, you revived my faith with this single piece of literature. Bravo.

01.13.11 at 3:06 pm

Upstate Underdog

Tommy and Rex: when worlds collide! Fucking awesome.

Also, Simmons is a douchebag, every 3 year old is fearless becuase 3 year olds are stupid.

01.13.11 at 3:09 pm

Big G

I’ve been thinking about this post all week, thanks for delivering.

01.13.11 at 3:11 pm

Balls of Steel

Pussycaria is my new favorite word. I can’t wait to use it!

/thanks God he didn’t read that five minutes ago in the meeting.

01.13.11 at 3:12 pm

Ken Gryphon Jr.

Cromartie: What’s a Pedroiah?

Tommy: IT’S YOU EATING A CAWK, THAT’S WHAT IT IS!

Next time anyone asks me “what’s a…”, this is gonna be the stock response.

01.13.11 at 3:13 pm

IBTheWalk

That was glorious. I scrolled a little too far while reading and just saw the top of Tawmmy’s pic. Busted out laughing right there. Took a solid minute to compose myself enough to keep reading. That was the loftiest of all possible lofty work Drew.

01.13.11 at 3:15 pm

Jeteyes

<3

I mean, uh, that is to say…

/would go gay for Drew
//or Rex
///believes we have a chance
////FUCK THE PATS!

01.13.11 at 3:18 pm

Dr. Awesomus

This is like when the X-Men showed up on the bridge of the USS Enterprise, but if they beat Chekhov half to death. Or something. I’m still dazed.

/overcome with the vapors

01.13.11 at 3:18 pm

White Bread

My son also wakes up at 5:30 am. We call him the CEO. He’s a cross between TJ Lavin, and Casey Wasserman, with Jimmy Kimmell’s hilarious sense of humor. He paraglided into a fake board meeting with his bedsheet. His best friend’s name is Playhouse-O and he’s sooo funny.

01.13.11 at 3:19 pm

Rudeboy

@IBthewalk

I did too. I wonder if there is way to have a second “more after the jump”

Nah, fuck it, it was genius the way it played out

01.13.11 at 3:28 pm

Clamps

The only bright side to a Patriots Super Bowl would be Double J, Coach Ginger, and Pacman getting a visit from Tommy.

01.13.11 at 3:29 pm

Goose

That ending almost had me rooting for the Jets.

01.13.11 at 3:31 pm

Kansas City Honey Badger

I am going to Pussyscarria and having the pink beef buffet tomorrow for lunch!

/Friday Fun Day FTW!

01.13.11 at 3:31 pm

L. Ron Mexico

Mother of God.

/speechless

01.13.11 at 3:35 pm

Tim Tebow's "Roommate"

I really don’t want to believe that Sanchise’s alleged sexual battery/assault/fingerbang was just a clever distraction from his… vaginal wall slamming… prowess?

/has suspicions

01.13.11 at 3:36 pm

Arrowhead Parking Lot Orgy

Excellent work Drew. The Oh, Oh, Oh pic gets me every time.

01.13.11 at 3:42 pm

T-Money

I’m usually not a fan of the Rex-taking-a-shit intros to these otherwise amazing posts, but the Bart Scott angle won me over. And the sexual metaphors are brilliant every. single. time.

“Cromartie: Right here, sir. (impregnates six women at once)”
Amazing.

01.13.11 at 3:42 pm

Hustler of Culture

What’s a Pedroiah??

Wow, fucking wow awesome

//convinced
//putting money on the Jets
//no…not really

01.13.11 at 3:44 pm

Destructo-Beam

Sheer beautiful awesomeness.

01.13.11 at 3:45 pm

Andrew

My GFs family lives in Gothenburg, just down I-80 from North Platte. She’s got aunts and uncles there. I had to spend Thanksgiving in that shithole listening to about Danny Woodhead and how everyone loves that asshole and they’re all Patriots fans now because of him. Worst Thanksgiving ever.

01.13.11 at 3:47 pm

Stonecutter

Just like the game itself, everyone here is raising their intensity for the playoffs. Lofty work this past week, boys.

My love of fake Rex is eclipsed only by my hate for the real Jets.

01.13.11 at 3:48 pm

StereotypicalAnxiousJetsFan

I was despondent that we were gonna get crushed by Tommy Brady and the evil empire again this Sunday, but now I know WE SHALL OVERCOME, because KSK Rex sayeth so. GOD BLESS YOU, DREW MAGARY.

/slaps entire world on the ass, HARD

01.13.11 at 3:48 pm

LaFavre's Next Tractor

Bart Scott’s arm would make a pretty awesome growler.

01.13.11 at 3:49 pm

twoeightnine

How does Rex not take a dump on Tawmmy?

01.13.11 at 3:51 pm

PepeSilvia

Anyone else remember Simmons swearing long ago that he’d never use his children as column fodder? Nowadays does he ever write a column WITHOUT mentioning his worthless rugrats?

01.13.11 at 3:56 pm

GonePostal

It started with goosebumps. It ended with tears. Bravo.

01.13.11 at 3:57 pm

DefDude

“How does Rex not take a dump on Tawmmy?”

Not everyone with a foot fetish is into scat too.

01.13.11 at 4:02 pm

Ace of Space

Classic:

Bart Scott’s Forearm (new Fantasy Team Name)
Glass Cunts
Tommy:
North Platte, Nebraskah! That’s the Quinzee of Nebraskah!
EVERYONE AGREES THAT IS THE UNIVERSAL CHECKLIST FAR A GREAT RIVALRY! AND YOU DO NAWT COMPAY-AHHHH!

01.13.11 at 4:04 pm

Dormammu

My wife is from the East Coast. I told her I would be rooting for the Pats this weekend.

I lied.

01.13.11 at 4:10 pm

pi

This was fucking epic.

01.13.11 at 4:13 pm

Jude

Fuck, I need a cigarette now. And I don’t smoke.

01.13.11 at 4:14 pm

Jason

Fuck. Yeah!!

(lays paycheck on the Jets)

01.13.11 at 4:19 pm

Gunner's Mate 1st Class Philip Asshole

Way better Pats hate in there than Ape’s.

Simmons stopped being funny years ago but I can’t stop reading his shovelings.

It’s like an ongoing version of Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith. You don’t want any part of it because the new stuff so far sucks so bad you can’t believe it, but you have to see how it ends.

Except Simmons never ends, it’s the fucking laundry of I Hate This But Can’t Help Myself.

Whoring out your kids in a national column…THAT’S GOOD PARENT HUSTLE!

01.13.11 at 4:22 pm

Cutlerception

How-ah the Fawk you-ah doin’ boy-ahs.

01.13.11 at 4:23 pm

PuffMatty

“The only thing Tom Brady’s bitch DOESN’T make him wear is a pair of testicles.” – The words of a poet.

That’s good hustle, Drew. Your new nickname is “Pre-Clockers Spike Lee” because you give us an entertaining way to respect hate.

01.13.11 at 4:39 pm

NK

“Hey Rex, I saw a picture of your wife’s pussy online the othah day and it looked like ROADKILL!”

“No! I refuse! I am a fightah! AND I AM FROM THE ‘TOWN!”

These slayed me.

01.13.11 at 4:52 pm

Skip Intro

“Cromartie: What if I say that cunt boil’s got more white babies than a house in Utah?

Ryan: Now that’s thinking about your assignment!”

Fucking genius.

“Cromartie: What’s a Pedroiah?

Tommy: IT’S YOU EATING A CAWK, THAT’S WHAT IT IS!”

This is unadulterated blue collar Boston. Flawless.

/used “that’s great hustle” in class today
//shows self out

01.13.11 at 4:54 pm

Lobster Stuffed with Tacos

“(wads up piece of paper, overthrows trash basket by sixty yards)”

I was blown away at how consistantly Sanchez overthrew his receivers against the Colts. At first, I was assuming that it was just nerves and that he would settle down, or maybe overadjust and start throwing worm burners. Nope. Sanchez sucks out loud.

01.13.11 at 4:54 pm

Farmer

Fuck both these teams. Go Pack.

01.13.11 at 5:07 pm

bark

Best damn Rex speech ever!!!! “Cunt boil!!!” Brady’s name for life!
/Cunt Boil applies to all Patriot fans as well.
//New England Cunt Boils (No longer known as the Patriots).

01.13.11 at 5:11 pm

Chazz_Goodtimes

Tawmee could easily take on those three pussies- he has retard strength from all the brain cells he lost while drinking paint-thinner mixed with HAHPOON IPA to pregame for the last Dropkick Murphy’s concert.

/seriously- fuck the Jets. I don’t want to live in a world where a tubby blowhard shitweasel cuntstain who likes to get toefucked in the ear canal gets rewarded for acting like a tubby blowhard shitweasel cuntstain who likes to get toefucked in the ear canal.

01.13.11 at 5:15 pm

Butt Kiss Dick

FINALLY. Great hustle. I have wanted the two worlds of Greatest coach ever and Tawmmy to collide for so long.

This made another horrid boring Thursday worth living.

01.13.11 at 5:20 pm

LendaleWhite'sDietician

Holy. Fucking. Shit. The Internet may just implode upon itself for being unable to handle this much awesome.

Bravo, gentlemen. Bravo.

01.13.11 at 5:25 pm

jackin'4beats

Cielo is ready to go to the Pussyscarria and have the pink beef buffet!

Remember it’s an all you can eat buffet so Nacho, er, Cielo better get started early.

/that line made me damn near soil m’self

01.13.11 at 5:41 pm

The Artist Formerly Known as Jefferson Short Bus

KSK Rex Ryan should tour the country as a motivational speaker in the offseason. I could fight a land war in Asia right now.

01.13.11 at 5:42 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic (formerly Henne to the Left)

“Overthrows trash basket by sixty yards”

Timeless classic.

I also treasure Shonn Greene and Mark Sanchez’s talks before Ryan shows up.

01.13.11 at 5:42 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

This day-ah just keeps getting bettah!

Tom Brady is now officially Cunt Boil as far as I’m concerned.

01.13.11 at 5:45 pm

slybacon

Dalmatians has never made a tackle. Ever. Serious… As a Charger fan we used to call him Fu, because he tries to fake some crazy kung fu shit when given the opportunity to tackle.

Granted, he would be the best wide receiver to ever play the game if someone would wake up and put him out there. He is absolutely spectacular to watch when he has the ball in his hands.

He is singlehandedly going to blow this game for the Jets. Just like he did last year. Difference is… the Patriots aren’t going to be dumb enough to sign him afterwards.

I was reading through the first half and thought to myself.. “Y’know, Tawmmy hasn’t made an appearance in a while.”

Worth the wait.

01.13.11 at 5:49 pm

Ditmas Av

Chazz –

Suck it the fuck up. The rest of us have been living in a world where a cheating scumbag other-wife fucking sore loser douchebag is rewarded for acting like a cheating scumbag other-wife fucking sore loser douchebag for a decade now. Belichick. I mean Belichick. Realized that might describe just about everybody on the Pats. They really do take after their coach.

Thanks for this, Drew.

/Pats fans really are just the worst

01.13.11 at 5:58 pm

The Real Randy Jackson

I have been waiting over a year to see both KSK Rex Ryan and Tawmmy together in one post. This did not disappoint one bit! Well done, sir.

01.13.11 at 6:03 pm

Sando

is it wrong that I was hoping Tommy would kick the shit out of those pussies Sanchez and Cromartie only to have Rex step in and show them how its done?

01.13.11 at 6:04 pm

Fat Punk Kicker

Too bad Bart Scott’s arm wasn’t holding an apple

01.13.11 at 6:05 pm

EatMe

(wads up piece of paper, overthrows trash basket by sixty yards)

hahahahahaha

01.13.11 at 6:07 pm

Ditmas Av

“is it wrong that I was hoping Tommy would kick the shit out of those pussies Sanchez and Cromartie only to have Rex step in and show them how its done?”

Rooting for Tommy? Yeah, that’s wrong.

01.13.11 at 6:11 pm

marmatard

(unbuckles belt, sticks hand down pants, smells hand)

I lol’d

01.13.11 at 6:11 pm

porky1

Anyone go to the Worldwide Lemur to read Reilly today? The column is predictable smarmy crap, but the subheader on the home page is nice:

“The shrug, smirk and distant gaze are his favorite weapons. It seems the world disgusts Jay Cutler. But why? “

01.13.11 at 6:16 pm

dudebro

/lose by 6 TDs

This was an excellent crossover.

01.13.11 at 6:35 pm

the dude abides

the last line. thank you.

01.13.11 at 6:39 pm

Sean

Way to get him for throwing in a reference about his kids and what a shitty parent he is!
/Pot calls kettle

01.13.11 at 6:56 pm

kimbo_gash

Steelers/Ravens: MMA
Pats/Jets: Slap fight.

01.13.11 at 9:06 pm

So-sonatas Motiejunas

I almost kept my laughter to a controlled guffaw, but the “Pussyscarria” line just about killed me. Winter Lager all over my keyboard. This was a post worthy of awards, Drew. Awards.

01.13.11 at 10:03 pm

Big Black Richard

Excellent post. I laughed, I cried, I added Drew Magary to my will.

Unfortunately, it’s not going to change this weekend’s result. I contacted Bob Knight for his opinion on the Jets/Pats game, and he said, “if mumblerape is inevitable, just try to relax and enjoy it.”

01.13.11 at 10:05 pm

DR24

I almost died. That was amazing.

01.13.11 at 10:19 pm

BigBensNoseTape

Rex Ryan engages in better Patriots hate than Ape.

01.13.11 at 10:27 pm

FatRexandNacho

Is it smart to use this article as motivation to throw down $300 on the Jets moneyline?

01.13.11 at 11:21 pm

Bugg

Fine hate; lofty hate.

As to Simmons-how anyone could give a fuck about the NBA is beyond me. The players don’t care as long as the check clears. The games take a backseat to nonsense about contracts and caps, and that was true even last year’s finals. 2 years ago the Knicks paid Stephon Marbury $20 million to do nothing. Sane people wouldn’t pay Marbury $25 for Marbury to do anything.

Fuck Belicheat sideways. The Giants hire whack job Ray Handley(arrested in a mens room at a Turnpike rest stop) over him because he was banging Shenocca on her receptionist desk. He took a $1 million bonus from Leon Hess to be the Jets coach after Parcells and walked away without paying it back. At least Rex is still with the Mrs. (and some guy who looks like Bart Scott’s cousin who likes feet, but uh…, where am I going with this?).

01.13.11 at 11:23 pm

No. 9 Barndance

Wow – To fackin’ funny . . .

Rex takes the best shits . . .

01.13.11 at 11:42 pm

DancingBaptist

I thought we might see a return of the raping stick. Still, + 100.

01.14.11 at 12:26 am

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

@DancingBaptist – Ol’ Hickory or Big Red?

01.14.11 at 3:19 am

Sergio

Damn, as a Dolphins fan, all I can say is…

Kill them, you magnificient fat fuck! KILL THEM!

/Ready to tap some tropical pussy after the game
//Mexican counts as tropical, right?

01.14.11 at 10:07 am

Rakibul Islam

I like Shonn Greene. He’s very upbeat with his one-word answers.

01.14.11 at 10:08 am

Don Horn QB #13

I smell a Pulitzer prize for this Drew. Or it could just be the dump I just took.

01.14.11 at 10:17 am

John T. Gait

“They refuse to engage in immature-ah insults. You cunts”

That just made my life worth living.

01.14.11 at 10:20 am

John T. Gait

Just reading that Rob Ryan is interviewing for the Cowboys DC position…never have I wanted a guy hired more exclusively for comedic purposes but that shit’s gonna write itself!!!

01.14.11 at 11:13 am

Brad

I imagine Rex’s speech to Tawmmy being barely above a whisper. Someone once said that if someone yells his threats like Tawmmy did, he has no intention of following through on them. However, if someone makes threats in a normal voice, you take that shit seriously.

01.14.11 at 11:33 am

Koy Detmer's Underrated Neckbeard

So…safe to say KSK won’t be getting cited in the bibliography of “How to Use Broad Generalizations and Tired Pop Culture References to Make Idiots Think You’re Smart”, or whatever Billy’s next literary abortion is going to be called?

01.14.11 at 12:41 pm

AB

Drew finishing off the hate with a hot yogurt shot to the face of ‘Patriot Nation.’

Brilliant.

PS. Southie is actually full of hipsters and gay bars.

01.14.11 at 1:49 pm

Danger Dan

Takeaway: It takes an entire team of Jets players to beat down one Pats fan.

/slightly embarrassed at liking Tawmmy
//but only slightly
///IT’S YOU EATING A CAWK, THAT’S WHAT IT IS!

01.14.11 at 2:03 pm

Ron Dayne's Strict Diet

“And yar wetback QB is fucking terrible”

I thought everything Tommy said was supposed to be wrong?

01.14.11 at 2:06 pm

Danger Dan

@Bugg

“uh…, where am I going with this?).”

Sounds like you were working on: “I wish Belichick was coaching my team so that we’d win more.”