Thursday, August 6, 2009

THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT

All you ever hear from women is how hard it is to meet a decent bloke. Well, im having a bloody hard time finding a decent woman. Can you give me a few tips?

Sincerely

Frustrated

Ok, so me answering this email pretty much torpedoes the whole purpose of the blog, but when a brother comes a knockin, Chuck Long needs to start rockin.

Dear Frustrated,

You'd be well placed to consider a name change first and foremost. Im guessing most women lose interest at the introduction.

In all seriousness, your dilemma is not uncommon but fortunately for you, your ole pal Chuck Long happens to have some gold that he is willing to share.

Start by punching yourself really hard in the head, that will help you forget what you know about meeting chicks, a straw pole amongst blokes would reveal very few have pulled off a successful relationship hook up at a pub / club / bar / strip club?

So you're asking “tell us where we need to go Chuck?”

Let Chuck be self indulgent and build this up, will you?

Firstly, what do women want: (not much it seems)

Confidence

Sense of humour

Athleticism

Romance / passion

Attention

Physical attractiveness

Internet dating ticks off some of those boxes, but where's the fun in a shopping list romance? You can't rely on your friends - their judgments are subjective and lead to awful ratings that completely blow their credibility. Let Chuck Long serve it up for you on a platter.

Chuck Long vowed some time ago that should Mrs Long ever die tragically in a combine harvester accident, and he was thrust dramatically back onto the singles market, the first place he would head (after the obligatory mourning period, of course) would be............

Dance classes.

Hang with Chuck on this one.

As Chuck was preparing to tie the knot a few years back, he was forced kicking and screaming to dance lessons. Chuck vividly remembers his last words to the future Mrs Long as she dragged him into the dance hall

“if I have to touch anyone else but you, I am fucking leaving”

Chuck was so filled with dread he barely paid any attention to the class members, but within 10 minutes he was in the middle of some excruciating four square / line dancing routine (how many of those puppies have you ever seen busted out at your bog standard Aussie wedding?) that of course demanded partner swapping. As he cycled through various female dance partners, he quickly began to realise there was talent in the room. The mix was certainly eclectic, but with one defining factor – the women were hot and had tidy packages... mostly. Which got Chuck thinking.. and then evaluating, the single men were mostly not... (hot or fit that is) in fact they were ugly, old (with an air of predator about them) or gay.

Chuck had stumbled across a veritable smorgasbord of good looking women and there was barely an ounce of male competition. In fact, the female to male ratio was so poor that they actually had to import older predators just so there were enough XY chromosomes to dance with.

Over the weeks it became alarmingly apparent that the genuinely unattractive single blokes had made a bee line for the very attractive single women and had actually succeeded in developing personal relationships with them, plainly speaking - they were “in”. And these were hot ladies (Chuck's rating system is one of the toughest in the Southern Hemisphere), the guys were totally punching out of their weight class. They had no business whatsoever with these women, yet somehow they'd wormed their way into their lives. It was a sociological experiment happening right before Chuck's eyes, everything was in the favour of these unattractive blokes and it all came back to the key points.

Chuck is happy to elaborate, lets go back to the overview: what women want...

Confidence

Women go weak at the knees when a man can throw down on the dance floor. The more the guys knew about dancing, the more confident they became – a self fulfilling prophecy, if you will, and all because they wanted it bad.

Sense of humour

Its a fact that all jokes are magnified ten fold in dance class - everyone is nervous and looking for a tension breaker, the bloke who can crack a joke or two suddenly looks like the second coming of Eddie Murphy in his 1980s prime.

Athleticism

Lets not kid ourselves, a well trained dancer is every part the athlete. Once again in dance class, any bloke who can string some moves together and more importantly can take charge and lead the routine suddenly becomes the Greek God of athletes – Hermes. The unattractive males in the class who have done a little Gary Groundwork in the practice department magnify their skill and aptitude by multiples of a thousand.

Romance / passion

Dance class provides opportunities for mini bursts of romance and passion. Subtle things like unexpected compliments on outfits or dance moves. But the five star move is learning the Tango – what woman wouldnt swoon.

Attention

A key point to consider is that for the most part ladies are not going to dance class looking for love. They are heading there with a bunch of friends to learn how to dance, so any male attention is unexpected. The advantage this gives you cannot be understated, it's unfettered access with zero expectation. Think about it, if you walked up to a lady at a bar, many times their first thought is 'what's this clown up to” and already you are fighting from behind. Dance is a forum to catch women off guard.

The vast majority of males in the class were with partners and shuddered at the words “switch partners”. For the single sharks, these words were like speed dating – another 2 minutes to shower their new partner with attention and enthusiasm without the awkward introductions.

Physical attractiveness

Typically its physical attraction that forms the basis of most relationships in the early stages. But in dance class, the ladies got to know the guy almost intimately, before having to make a call on the physical package. In effect, the other traits could mask physical imperfections. This was never more so evident than when the biggest battler in the group pulled the biggest dime piece. In the wild, this would never have been allowed to happen, you dont see ugly lions with hot lionesses.

So as you can see, dance class provides exposure to all 6 key selection criteria in one concentrated burst.

Dont get Chuck wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a battered grill, but what these blokes did was tap into a fountain of women they would never have had access to in the big wide non dancing world.

So there you have it Frustrated, all you need to do is lay down a lazy one fiddy, overload on the aftershave, find yourself a local dance course, swallow all your concerns about what your friends might think and bask in lady nirvana.

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About Me

Date gone wrong? Can’t decipher what a guy/girl is trying to say? Not sure where you're going wrong and need an honest opinion? Or are just in need of a laugh at the expense of other's stupidity?
This could be the place for you...Reality Bytes
Born out of repeated tales of confused women actually beginning to lower their standards in order to accept the bizarre mating rituals of their male suitors, Reality Bytes seeks to provide insight, merriment and to break down some truly confounding behaviour.
The two purveyors of truth are:
Madame Boodwah - a woman of the world who has beaten a worn path in her travels around the block.
and
Chuck Long - a successfully married gent with a PhD in translating man speak.