Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Top 500 Feelings - #194 A Good Dump

Ah, so simple, yet so good. When you feel a bullet in the chamber, it becomes the only thing on your mind. All of a sudden you've got yourself a to-do list with just one task on it: drown the Cosby's. If there isn't a toilet nearby, this situation can present itself in the form of a baby chafe. At the same time, a little bit of you sees the light at the end of the tunnel and knows it's gonna feel magical when it escapes you.

You know it's a good shit when you express your relief vocally during or after it. Some let out a casual woopdie-woop while wiping, whereas others do spot-on Gus Johnson impressions. Still others provide their roommates with detailed visual descriptions that make Walter Cronkite sound like Radio (Where Are They Now: Cuba Gooding, Jr.).

A truly perfect shit is one where you can lose 4-5 pounds while not having to wipe too much. Dingleberries are one of God/Zuckerberg's worst inventions and the world would just be a better place in general without them. Double-flushers, or the rare triple, are the cherry on top of your feces (what?). When your roomie who's waiting to shit hears you flush the first time, it's a real assertion of manhood to respond "no" when he asks if you're done dropping the kids off at the pool.

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