Captain No Marriage

Thursday, January 22, 2015

It’s been a fucking while, I’m drinking some Hurricane Malt Liquor so get ready for some fucked up grammar, misspellings, and all kinds of other editing fuck ups!

So a buddy of mine and I are sitting out back on my deck drinking some random IPAs and smoking cigars. He starts to tell me about this worn out fucking cunt who has the hots for him.

She’s married, weighs in around 250 on a good day, two kids from some guy who couldn’t even keep a job at Home Fuck Depot, and just turned 30. Her and my buddy went to high school together. She was the ugly chick who had the slamming body but like many women she thought she was hotter than she really was.

So now after 12 years of being with a loser and bulking up, she tells my friend that she’s going to leave the loser and she’s looking forward to “hanging out” with him.

Luckily she doesn’t work with us, so no HR issues here. She messaged him on FaceFuckBook. Basically this chick has the attitude that all her fuck ups should be ignored by my friend. That he should turn back the hands of time to when they were in school and her vag hadn’t been stretched out by child birth and years of abuse.

The problem is this woman’s attitude is actually very common. Women with multiple kids, often from multiple guys, want the rest of us to give her a do-over. She wants us to pretend that when we look at her little womb turds that we don’t see the face of a guy who got to fuck her back when she was actually fuckable. She wants us to pretend that she’s matured and that’s why she’s ready to settle down, not the truth which is she’s being carried off the field like Brett Farve.

Luckily my friend and I both laugh at her dumb ass, but this chick honestly thinks that when she leaves the loser that she’ll be able to run out and get the man of her dreams. She thinks she’ll be hooking up with that doctor or lawyer she’s always wanted.

Fucking cunts today have this attitude that they can do what they want when they have the power (in their early 20s) and that when their looks fade then suddenly the rules should change and we should overlook all their fuckery. We should be “real” men and take in them and their bastard fuck children.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

So while nobody bats a thousand, the site Business Insider usually does a decent job with tech and business news, but the other day I saw this story come across my newsfeed. It’s a story about how some broad was teased for being ugly back when she was 12 and now 10 years later one of the guys who used to bully her asked her out and she finally was able to get her “revenge”. What made it even worse was the comment above was the link said that this “took guts”.

First off, how this ended up on a business website is fucking beyond me and it was written by a guy, go figure. To quickly address the content of the article, she set up a date with the guy then stood him up by giving the waiter a note to deliver to the guy. All the note did was let the guy know he dodged the fucking crazy train! On top of that, the article included the guy’s response, which unlike her letter, was mature and thought out.

I don’t get why this is even a fucking story. Shit like this happens to pretty much every guy who makes something of himself. Story goes like this…..Young guy can’t get attractive women his own age to even acknowledge he’s alive then fast forward 15 or 20 years and the tables are turned. Women his age are falling over themselves to get his attention. Tom Leykis has been talking about this shit for years and we’ve all lived it. Where’s our story?

The good news for us is we don’t need no stinking story, we’re living the good live while bitches our age are living la vida government assistance with their multiple cunt turds from multiple losers. That’s what I call revenge, laughing all the way to the bank.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

To my American readers, Happy Fucking Thanksgiving and to those living abroad, Happy Fucking Thursday!!!

As always I appreciate all you fuckers for getting drunk and stopping by to see what shit I wrote while getting drunk.

I also want to send a long overdue shoutout to a couple of friends who for obvious reasons shall remain unnamed. You see fuckers, when I first started this mess of a blog it was a collaboration between a couple of pals and I. We never dreamed people would actually read these rantings.

In the beginning we all had access to the blog and email accounts and we all got drunk and responded to reader email. Eventually we all got busy with other projects but especially my two partners in crime for this site. I eventually took over running the site with my associates blessings and urgings (I initially was going to just shut it down since it wasn’t the three of us)

As you can see their urging worked and I continued the site on my own. But even as my two friends got more and more involved with their own projects, they still forwarded any emails they received to me (and still do to this day).

So I just wanted to say thanks to “those guys” for pushing me to keep this thing going back when it almost got shut down before it finally found it’s sea legs. The next few cases of PBR is for them!!!

So if you ever need to rant, piss n moan, opine or whatever else. Feel free to email me at captainnomarriage@gmail.com. However be forewarned, I’m somewhat of a lazy fuck when it comes to content sometime so don’t be surprised if you say something good to see it as a post.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

I was halfway through a lengthy blog post for married guys about shit to do when you want to waste time when you don’t want to go home when it dawned on me that I needed another beer. It also dawned on me that I needed to back up a bit with my thinking. Because just like in sports, shit needs to be set up before it’s executed. So just like the offensive line sets up a good run, here’s how you set up your life.

I’m talking to all sorts of guys here, whether you just have a fuck buddy or a wife, you need to set things up so that whenever you need some space, you can have it. Often times in relationships we give away too much, our wives know our daily routine down to the fucking minute. This tends to happen slowly over time usually because if some bitch just flat out asked you where you are every second of the day you’d Ray Rice her ass!

Are you that guy who has to call the little lady on your lunch and/or breaks every fucking day or maybe the guy who has more personal calls than business calls? Does she expect a prompt response when she emails you at work? Is your cell phone nothing but a hand-held ankle bracelet? Be honest here, I’m not busting your balls over it, you might have answered yes to every question, but there is still hope for even you.

First off, this is your fucking job, not her message or answering service to track you down during the day. So here’s what you do TODAY…….your company is cracking down on personal calls, both at your desk and on your cell phone. Cell phone ringers are to be turned off, yes OFF, your story is the familiar “some asshole ruined it for the rest of us” deal. The idea here is to not be at her fingertips all the fucking time. Don’t let her derail you with that bullshit about if an “emergency” comes up, that’s just total bullshit on her part. Yes emergencies happen, but not every fucking day and you not answering her text is NOT an emergency.

So now she’ll want your attention on all your breaks and lunches. You have to slow her down here too. If you are salaried, you’re going to be “too busy”on some new project you’re working on……..a long term project with lots of big words to describe it, that way she’ll never ask about it in detail. As far as lunches, you’ll be having more working lunches, lunches with colleagues, team lunches, anything that will give you an excuse to silence your phone.

The idea is to create space for you. You also need to start varying the times you go to and come home from work. Even if you get off the same time every day, start coming up with reasons you’ll be working late……but not at your desk where she can call you. The team is wrapping shit up in a conference room, one without a phone. You guys like to work in this room because it lets you focus or whatever line of shit you want to give her. But make sure you set this up before you start actually “working” late. Start telling her you won’t be at your desk, you’re working on a project and you all agreed that cell phones were distractions so you are all leaving yours at your desks. If she has a real emergency, she can call the secretary or whatever main line your company has.

This will do a couple things, it’ll give you some piece and quiet at your desk and it will buy you some time later on when you don’t feel like going home right away. But you have to start slowly setting this shit up early guys, don’t try to do all this at once, ease into it. The cracking down on personal call one is easy and it’ll buy you some quick relief.

These are just a few ideas, I’m sure you can think of more. Just in general, both at work and home, start thinking of things to get away. For example a monthly thing with the guys, this can be anything from spending a whole day fishing, car show, or watching a game at a sports bar. Just something to get you out of the house. This one is obviously one you want to actually do, but even if there’s one day your friends can’t make it, you should still take that time for yourself.

That’s the other thing, I’m not just saying to think of fake shit to buy yourself some time, but also come up with actual shit you like to do. Be the guy who finds a cool place for an after work happy hour once or twice a month. Go golfing, fishing or some other activity that she hates on the weekends. Go to the gym, that’s one that you can use just to get out of the house also. A bonus tip for the gym is to join a gym she would hate, don’t join a female friendly gym like Planet Fuck Fitness or some bullshit like that. Join a real one where they blast heavy metal and hard rap.

Conventions, go to one, out of town, without her. This will do a few things, it’ll actually help your career for one by giving you a chance to network and learn more about your industry or trade. Hell you might even be able to convince your company to partially foot the bill or make it so it’s considered work days so that you don’t have to use your vacation days. This is also an easy to get a little traveling in, granted only a few days but imagine how nice it’ll be to come back to that nice quiet hotel room. Even better if it’s in a different time zone so that you can blame jet-lag for cutting her off on the phone so that you can go to bed. So many pluses to this one! Book smart and use the same airline and hotel so that you get the benefit of points and shit, sounds corny, but once you’ve stayed in some kick ass suites for free, you start to warm up to the idea.

So there’s some ideas for you guys. I know there’s a lot of talk about just getting the fuck out of the marriage, but sometimes you can’t just up and leave, sometimes that shit takes a while to plan out and get yourself straight before you make your exit. This will help make that time more bearable.

If you guys have other tips and ideas, I’d love to hear it. Until then, keep drinking.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Man, are there some delusional fucking bitches out there or fucking what!!!

I tell you what, when I say good-bye to the corporate world I definitely won’t miss all these bat-shit crazy women at the workplace.

There’s one skank in particular and I probably don’t even need to describe her, you could probably fucking guess. Overweight…..hold up…she’s fucking fat, two kids from a loser on disability and she’s about to turn 30.

But wait folks, she is telling everyone who will listen (and anyone else in earshot) about how 30 is going to be the start of her new life. Sure she wasted her 20s on some loser and even has the stretched out vag to prove it! She’s decided at 30 to get her shit together…….well not really, but a girl can dream right?

As you might guess, the chorus of fat and fugly friends are telling her the same horseshit all women tell each other about how it’s not too late for her to find a great guy. About how any guy would be lucky to have a woman like her. She’s beautiful and if a guy can’t see that it’s his loss….

Are these bitches serious? I know I see that shit all over social media too, where a butt-fucking ugly bitch posts a picture and all her fat and fucked in the head friends tell her how beautiful she is. Personally I don’t think these bitches believe it when they tell that shit to other women, but ironically they actually believe it when it’s told to them.

So how about that awesome deal our over the hill and NFL sized gal has to offer some lucky white knight? Wow, let’s start with the two bastard children who are both below the age of 10. Hope you don’t plan on doing anything with your life for the next ten years Mr Lucky Guy because the only thing you’ll be doing is paying for kids who fucking hate you. Think she’ll be getting child support? Doubt it, even if she does it’ll be the bare minimum and you won’t see any of it. You better call your doctor for an appointment to get snipped because as Tom Leykis has been telling us for years, these skanks will get pregnant again, whether you want another womb turd in the house or not!!! Let’s not forget the fact that loser she hates so much will be stopping by your house, or even better she’ll have to take the kids to him where she’ll be able to get some dick on the side for old time’s sake.

Let’s not forget that body of hers that is now wrecked because she gave her best years to some loser. Oh sure she’ll tell you how she hates him, but just remember, he fucked her back when the pussy was actually tight. She can’t even hold her piss now, good luck getting off. I’m sure she’ll also tell you how now that she’s older and worn out, she’s now in her sexual prime even though her body and vagina aren’t even good enough to be in a salvage yard!

I could just go on and on forever about this awesome deal, but it’s safe to say that any guy who would get in line for a woman like that deserves what he gets.

Listen guys, it’s not your job to play cleanup when these broads fuck up their lives. All you’ll end up doing is fucking up your own life. Don’t even entertain the thought!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

It’s back to school time again folks, or as welfare moms call it…..Vacation.

It’s also back to all the little ladies at the office wanting the company they work for to bend and twist around so that their job doesn’t interfere with them having it all and being a mother to their womb turds and future government dependents.

I mean what bullshit it would be if the poor fragile women had to work a regular schedule like men do!!! That would be awful if women were expected to actually contribute to the bottom line! How sexist!!!

So the little misses come in late and leave early and then come appraisal time they expect the same raise or even more as everyone else who actually fucking showed up for work.

Newsflash girls, you can’t have it all. Just like men you have to decide if you want to play house or have a career, you can’t do both. If you choose to shit out kids then don’t bitch when you are passed up at work by people who are better at their job in part because they have actually put some time in on the damn fuck job.

The glass ceiling is a goddamn lie, it’s not some fabled ceiling that holds women back, it’s the fucking holes they dig themselves into. Getting worthless degrees in college and running up a shitfuckton of debt. Having kids with convicts and other losers who can’t even support themselves. Having kids with guys who just want to fuck and have zero interest in parenting. Trying to trap a guy by “forgetting” your birth control. All this is shit you guys control. There isn’t some group of guys wringing their hands worrying about some broad wanting to get into the boardroom.

Do you wage gap morons even have a fucking clue how hard it is to find people qualified to sit in the boardroom!!! Of course you don’t, it’s much easier to sit and bitch about other’s success than it is to roll up your sleeves and make your own success happen. Show me a person who hates rich business people and I’ll show you a lazy fuck.

You think it’s luck that makes you wealthy? No dumbtits, it’s work, it’s doing shit 99% of people won’t fucking damn do. You bitch about a glass ceiling yet you don’t even work hard enough to merit getting out of the fucking basement!

Women are the reason there aren’t more women at the top. Women are their own worst enemies.

Friday, May 30, 2014

So let me get this straight, some spoiled millennial brat goes off the deep end and because he was a member of a group that hates PUAs and other men’s groups…..somehow PUAs and men’s groups are to blame?

Feminism is just an outlet for fat white women to bitch about how they’re discriminated against.

The real problem here as with many of these crazy fuck shooters/stabbers is parenting. This guy was another product of a single mother, she pawned him off on the dad once he got older and the damage was done.

Also, let’s be honest, you can’t make a law to stop crazy and this fucker, in my drunk opinion, was fucking crazy with a capital K!!!

But of course social media blew up with the hashtag #Yesallwomen, because the poor girls here in the West have it so bad.

Listen up ladies, this is what you get when you try to raise a boy without his father or in this case bring the father in when it’s far too late.

This is what happens when we give everyone who participates in sports a ribbon or don’t keep score so that we don’t have losers. Well guess the fuck what, score or not, these fuckers are losers.

Every kid needs to learn how to lose, hell every kid needs to be bullied, not to the point of suicide but just in the same manner that the rest of us had to deal with. It made us stronger and better human beings. Strong is a word that cannot be used to describe this current generation of walking cumholes these single mothers are raising.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Last time I got hammered I wrote down some advice for my three female readers. Well here I am again with one more golden nugget for the girls. I’m filling in the blanks for the broads out there, so listen up!

If you live long enough you’re bound to hear broad talking about her failing relationship and how she “worked” to make things better. One often touted method of “working” on things doesn’t actually involve any work at all. I’m talking about lingerie. Women talk about how they dress sexy for their husband without any regard how they’ve let themselves go.

What you ladies need to understand is while men like a woman in lingerie, it needs to be said….since most of you are obviously slow…..we like HOT women in lingerie. Check out the picture above, most me have some version of what we consider hot and that’s what we picture.

So what happens when you squeeze your ass into something you just picked up off the clearance rack at Adam and Eve??? Well a couple things, first off it’s a stark reminder of how far you’ve let yourself go from the time we first met you. So if you’re confused as to why your husband used to love you in something skimpy and now he vomits at the mere site of you, that’s why. You just reminded him of how you ran the old bait-n-switch on him.

Here’s the other scenario that happens, you were never hot to begin with yet you are under some notion that your guy thinks you’re beautiful when the truth is your guy dropped out of high school and is a loser with few choices. So you wear you’re little lace outfit but instead of looking like one of the hot chicks on Instagram you look like someone tried to strangle a giant squid with a garden hose. Good job there Sally, you just basically rubbed your man’s nose in shit, as if he didn’t already know you’re ugly (hence the fact he has to be either high or drunk or both to fuck ya) now you just reminded him of that fact in bold, loud, living color.

So for those of you who want to actually work on your relationship, why not try doing the shit you did to trick him in to marrying you in the first place, like looking hot and blow jobs.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

So many of us who voice our opinion concerning men and women are often painted as dickless, woman-haters. Not that I give two shits about what the femtwats think, but I did think it would be nice if I took a moment to give some random advice to the 3 female readers that I have. I have to warn you that it will sound similar to my normal rantings, also it won’t be in any particular order…….as usual.

Ok girls, birth control, fucking use it. That means you, not him using a condom that’s been rotting in his wallet since 9th grade. Speaking of kids, have them after you have a career and stable relationship. Also be able to tell someone why you want them and I mean an intelligent answer other than “I just want them”. Homeless people can reproduce, it’s not a fucking miracle or an accomplishment of any sort. Kids are the quickest path to poverty and a surefire way to stay in poverty if you are already there.

It’s ok to date a loser but don’t have his fucking baby and don’t ever expect him to change. Stop and think about all the losers and assholes you have already dated in the past, well guess what……they were losers and assholes the moment you met them, don’t get pissed at them. Learn to see people for what they really are. Some people are great to party with but you wouldn’t want to commit yourself to them.

Unless you are already financially secure, the purpose of college is to get you a job, it’s not there for you to fulfill your interests, that’s what a fucking library is for. If you want to study literature, join a fucking group and you can piss and moan about King Lear till your twat falls out. But don’t go into debt getting a major in a worthless fucking degree. Yes the other degrees are hard and require shit like math, that just means more studying and less drinking and smoking. Don’t worry, later on you’ll have plenty of time and money to pursue your vices.

Plan for the future girls. Contribute to your 401k or other retirement account. Unless you want to be the old bitch eating cat food, stop buying a new purse every time your clit twitches and put that money into your retirement account. Don’t think you’ll find some sucker to pay your way, chances are you’re too fat for that anyways. Take some of that time you spend reading Facebook and read some financial articles, yes they’re boring but that’s because you don’t know shit about money. Learn dumbass.

Speaking of fat, if a person can’t control their own fucking body they chances are the other areas of their lives will be equally fucked. Put down the goddamn Twinkie and get your ass on a treadmill and do some squats while you’re at it for that sagging ass. Look, women love to look better than other women, this is the easiest way to do it, work out. A toned body is something that can’t be bought, inherited, or stolen. It has to be worked for and it speaks volumes to your character.

Oh…..going back to finance, learn what the fuck a FICO score is. Pay your fucking bills on time. If you have to put it on a credit card then you can’t fucking afford it Princess! Your wants are not needs, the quicker you learn this the quicker you will actually be able to afford your wants without putting yourself in a fucking hole.

Well I could go on but most American women can’t read so why bother wasting my time.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Well fuck, it’s that time of year again isn’t it? It’s that magical time when our wonderful government hands out millions of dollars in free money to those who neither earned it or deserve it. Yep, it’s tax time bitches!!!

The single mothers sure love this time of year don’t they? Then to top it off, I was listening to Tom Leykis the other day and he was talking about how the Terminator’s ex-wife did some piece about poor women. After a brief Google search I found several “news” sites that were pimping this shit and passing it off as journalism. One piece even had a picture of some 23yr old broad who was a single mother of two and worked as a waitress. Poor Ms Waitress was struggling to pay her bills, isn’t that sad? Of course the article said that the government (us) should bail bitches like this out. Because it was clearly fate that made her poor and not her shitty decisions.

Well what the fuck, we do bail their dumbasses out, every fucking year!!! You’ve overheard these bitches brag about the thousands of dollars they get back, far more than most of them paid in if they paid any in at all. You’ll see these bitches living it up at, shopping at Target instead of Walmart, eating at fine dining establishments such as Red Lobster and Golden Corral. If you work with any of these slackers you’ll notice absences sharply increase this time of year.

Then by May you’ll hear these same women talking about how broke they are or their piece of shit car broke down and they can’t afford to get it fixed. We need to stop throwing money at stupid people. They are poor because they want to be, they are poor because they never planned or worked to be anything else! These are the same fucks who will go to that tax service whose name rhymes with……cock…….and pay extra money to get a refund anticipation loan. I mean what the hell, it’s not their money, they don’t give a shit if they have to pay out the ass interest charges, these bitches don’t even know what interest is!!!

We need to end this bullshit about kids being expensive, so are yachts but you don’t see the government helping me buy one of them! I have to actually budget and work for shit I want, people who just want to shit out kids should have to do the same thing.

And don’t give me this kids are our future shit or that it’s the kids of today that will be my nurse or doctor when I’m old. First off, the kids of today can’t even move out of the fucking house and live on their own. You think these lazy fucks are going to stay in college long enough to become a fucking doctor?

A kid has better odds of wearing an orange jumpsuit at the local jail than he or she does of being president of a major company, a congressman or any of that other happy horseshit people like to spout off about when they’re talking about kids being our fucking future. These future saviors can’t even carry on a conversation with another human face to face because they’ve spent their lives in their rooms jacking off to Justin Boober and One Erection. So don’t tell me how your stupid fucking kids are the future of this country, at best your kids will have the same shitty as you do that is of course if you can ever get them out of the fucking house!