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We Wish You an Anti-Semite and a Happy Jew Year…

Why is it that people can’t help but discriminate against us Jews during the holiday season?

I went to The Sink for lunch the other day with a couple of friends. Besides getting some of the worst service I’ve ever received, on my way out I was greeted by one of the rudest, most ethnically insensitive remarks I’ve ever heard. Here we are, just days away from Christmas, still in the midst of Hanukkah, and as I walked out, the lady at the counter said, “Thanks for coming. Have a…” and she paused, looking at me closely before continuing, “happy holidays.”

I was shocked. Does my shirt say “KIKE” on it in huge lettering? Does my nose set off Jewdar in goys and shiksas alike? Obviously, the fact that I only spoke Yiddish and paid the bill in shekels and agorot means I’m a filthy heeb. It’s bullshit that I’m not worthy of a Merry Christmas.

As a Jew, I’m treated as a second class citizen. Everyone else is offered a Merry Christmas, but to me they offer the lesser Happy Holidays, as if I simply don’t deserve to be treated equally. When the little girl comes around offering people sugary Christmas cookies, her mother softly grabs her shoulder and whispers, “Remember to wish him a Happy Holidays and warn him the cookies aren’t kosher.” Fuck that. I want my fucking Christmas cookies.

And how the hell am I, as a Jew, supposed to enjoy a nice Christmas ham? It’s like people got together and asked, “How are we going to keep the Jews out of our Christmas? Oh, I know. We’ll have milk and cookies AND ham be integral parts of Christmas food! That’ll show those dumb bastards!”

Each night of Hanukkah, I light my hanukkiah like a good little Jew. When it’s early enough, a crowd would gather in the street to watch. Suddenly, my second-class citizenship is apparent as I’m not their neighbor, I’m a fucking sideshow. “What’s he doing,” asks a little boy to his father. “He’s celebrating his Christmas,” the dad replies. Oh yeah, cause Hanukkah is the Jews’ Christmas. It’s so watered down, it takes eight nights, and instead of a tree full of lights, we have our meager little candelabras.

Jews deserve a merry Christmas as much as anyone, but instead, we’re relegated to a mere generic Happy Holidays. Hell, Christmas isn’t even a Christian holiday. It’s a capitalist holiday. And let me ask you, who’s more capitalistic that the diamond-loving, money-usuring shylocks that we Jews are?

And anyway, Santa owes us. Did you know it was his gift of coal to Hitler that inspired him to build giant Jew-burning ovens? Though it’s never officially been documented, every Jew knows that upon completion of Auschwitz Hitler told Heinrich Himler that with chimneys that big, they were sure to get lots of presents.

So consider these things when you want to wish your chosen friends season’s greetings this holiday season. This is my heartfelt request. In this time of year so concerned with wallets, JEWelry, gifts, and good will, help stop the discrimination and wish everyone a Merry Christmas, regardless of race, color or creed.

From Dec. 1-23 I say “happy holidays.”
From Dec. 24-25 I say “merry Christmas.”
From Dec. 26-30 I say “happy holidays.”
From Dec. 31-Jan. 1 I say “happy New Year’s” and then I go back to non-seasonal terms.
Except that I also say “happy Hanukkah” on the first and last day of Hanukkah.

I actually do most of this subconsciously, even though it seems as if I have a special calendar in my pocket I reference before I speak.

From Dec. 1-23 I say “happy holidays.”
From Dec. 24-25 I say “merry Christmas.”
From Dec. 26-30 I say “happy holidays.”
From Dec. 31-Jan. 1 I say “happy New Year’s” and then I go back to non-seasonal terms.
Except that I also say “happy Hanukkah” on the first and last day of Hanukkah.

I actually do most of this subconsciously, even though it seems as if I have a special calendar in my pocket I reference before I speak.

I understand where you’re coming from, but as far as people saying happy holidays…. If I know someone is Jewish, I’m probably going to say happy holidays and not merry christmas because a lot of Jewish people get offended if you say merry christmas. However, I do remember sending christmas cards to Jewish friends one year because I was sending everyone cards, and I asked them if it was okay or if it would bother them.

It is pretty damn rude that someone looked at you and assumed you were Jewish and quickly altered their merry christmas to happy holidays.. unless you were, say, a rabbi, or wearing the Star of David around your neck or something terribly obvious, it’s pretty terrible to just assume what your holiday will be based on appearance.

In fact, I remember one of my mother’s friends complaining about everyone wishing her “happy kwanzaa” one year because she’s black. You shouldn’t assume you know what someone celebrates based on ethnicity alone.

A lot of people (like me) are afraid to wish people happy hanukkah because, well, I don’t know enough about it and I don’t know if I’ll inadvertently offend someone by saying that to try to avoid offending them… Would it be taboo if I DID wish a known Jewish friend/neighbor/coworker a happy hanukkah?

Currently, my strategy is to just not wish anyone anything unless, y’know, we’re in the middle of celebrating christmas together or something. Or if they wish it to me first, I’ll say “you too!”

I understand where you’re coming from, but as far as people saying happy holidays…. If I know someone is Jewish, I’m probably going to say happy holidays and not merry christmas because a lot of Jewish people get offended if you say merry christmas. However, I do remember sending christmas cards to Jewish friends one year because I was sending everyone cards, and I asked them if it was okay or if it would bother them.

It is pretty damn rude that someone looked at you and assumed you were Jewish and quickly altered their merry christmas to happy holidays.. unless you were, say, a rabbi, or wearing the Star of David around your neck or something terribly obvious, it’s pretty terrible to just assume what your holiday will be based on appearance.

In fact, I remember one of my mother’s friends complaining about everyone wishing her “happy kwanzaa” one year because she’s black. You shouldn’t assume you know what someone celebrates based on ethnicity alone.

A lot of people (like me) are afraid to wish people happy hanukkah because, well, I don’t know enough about it and I don’t know if I’ll inadvertently offend someone by saying that to try to avoid offending them… Would it be taboo if I DID wish a known Jewish friend/neighbor/coworker a happy hanukkah?

Currently, my strategy is to just not wish anyone anything unless, y’know, we’re in the middle of celebrating christmas together or something. Or if they wish it to me first, I’ll say “you too!”

But consider this: What the fuck do you do with the muslims? At least hanukkah is a happy gift-giving holiday. Not that any of this is about gifts, but more that both christians and jews are celebrating HAPPY things. I’ve tried it, and “Happy Ramadan” really doesn’t go over very well. (In fact people get downright mean during Ramadan.)

But consider this: What the fuck do you do with the muslims? At least hanukkah is a happy gift-giving holiday. Not that any of this is about gifts, but more that both christians and jews are celebrating HAPPY things. I’ve tried it, and “Happy Ramadan” really doesn’t go over very well. (In fact people get downright mean during Ramadan.)

great post, by the way. in my opinion, people who are offended by any kind of well-wishing need to get the large, blunt objects removed from their colons. they just encourage otherwise good-natured people to stereotype others in a misguided attempt to be PC, which is a stupid goal to begin with. and then you have people trying to pick or avoid specific greetings based on your appearance, which is also a dick move.

did you ever see that conan o’brien sketch where they go christmas caroling? they’re all super excited and giddy and then this hard-core orthodox jewish looking guy answers the door. suddenly they all freeze, look at each other nervously, look at the ground, and then quickly shuffle off. the jewish guy just looks after them like, “what the hell was wrong with those people?” too funny.

great post, by the way. in my opinion, people who are offended by any kind of well-wishing need to get the large, blunt objects removed from their colons. they just encourage otherwise good-natured people to stereotype others in a misguided attempt to be PC, which is a stupid goal to begin with. and then you have people trying to pick or avoid specific greetings based on your appearance, which is also a dick move.

did you ever see that conan o’brien sketch where they go christmas caroling? they’re all super excited and giddy and then this hard-core orthodox jewish looking guy answers the door. suddenly they all freeze, look at each other nervously, look at the ground, and then quickly shuffle off. the jewish guy just looks after them like, “what the hell was wrong with those people?” too funny.