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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and somedays you’re the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

So many offices have Dilbert posters or cartoons posted that we have to have some of his wit and wisdom here. If you want to enjoy more cartoons, you can visit Dilbert.Com for even more fun and laughter. Thank you, Scott Adams!

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Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where the thingamabobers are?”
Employee: “Yea, by the whatchamacallits on aisle 6.”

Customer: “Do you carry Ink Eradicators? All of the other places do.”
Employee: “I think so. I saw ’em by the Ink Accelerators on aisle 4.”

Customer: “Wheres the thin plastic strips with sticky stuff on the back that you stick things to other things with?”
Employee: “Hmm… that’s a tough one… The closest we have is tape.”

Customer: “Can you help me find something?”
Employee: “Nope! I’m going to stand here and laugh at you a bit more…”

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you work here?”
Employee: “Oh… Sorry. I just dress up like this five days a week because I like messing with people’s minds…”

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you look like you work here?”
Employee: “(no comment)”

Customer: “Do you work here?”
Employee: “Only when the boss is around.”

Customer: “Where are the little flat black things you put in computers?”
Employee: “Hmm. I think they are in the computer section next to the disks.”

Customer: “I’m having trouble with my computers coffee holder. Do you carry replacements?”
Employee: (commits hari-kari on the spot)

Customer: “This item doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?”
Employee: “Yes. That’s one of the items we paid with “free money” with.”

Customer: “This doesn’t have a price on it. Does that mean it’s free?
Employee: “No, that means I get to make up a price. It’s $150.00”

Customer: “Excuse me. Is there a manager in this store?”
Employee: “Nope. Sorry, we only have someone with a “Manager” name tag on to throw people off.”

Customer: “Can I open this?”
Employee: “Sure. I’m sure it’s different on the inside of the clear wrapping.”

Customer: “Do you have a shopping cart?”
Employee: “I think so. Let me look in my pocket. Oh! We moved em out to the parking lot!”

Customer: (referring to a cashier): “Are you open?”
Employee: “No, sorry. I’m just standing here because people are giving me money. Why stop a bad thing. OH! maybe I will turn this light off with the big number on it next to this cash register…”

Customer: “Does this printer print in black?”
Employee: “Yea, but you have to buy the white extra.”

Customer: “I am looking for something to plug into the back of my computer that lets me use my fax, scanner, printer, copier, and 4-in-1 multi-function machine at the same time.”
Employee: “Yea! We have lots of those! Right through that big glass door by the entrance. Don’t be confused by that ‘Exit’ sign.”

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you sell these shelves?”
Employee: “Only with all the items on it. Do you want these price tags too? They’re extra, though.”

Customer: “Is this new computer Y2K compliant?”
Employee: “No, sorry. We just received our new 1900 models. We can put your name on the list so we can sell you the new 2K models 100 years from now…”

Customer: “Can you give me a discount on this?”
Employee: “Yea, that’s why we have those little stickers with prices on em on everything.”

Going Postal
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa
Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job
A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch
The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols — feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy
now?

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based
Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.

Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.