New Athletic League

Eight American universities have announced the formation of a new athletic league: the Creeper Conference. According to Maguire University athletic director Carl Levine, whose school is a member of the league:

Well we figured that since our schools are making a deliberate effort to invade the territory occupied by the Ivy League, which is an athletic conference, we need a group to effectively emulate that effort. We envision this to become a strong and healthy alternative… [blah blah] Go Eagles!

Eli University professor of biology Karen Johnston found this development troublesome:

Dammit, that doesn’t even work as a metaphor. The creeper is a generic term used to describe a genus of climbing plants from the grape family, Vitaceae. Comparison of mitochondrial DNA (mtDNA) sequences of Rafflesia with other angiosperm mtDNA indicated that this parasite evolved… [blah blah] It bears little biological or structural relationship to Hedera (ivy), a genus of 15 species of climbing or ground-creeping evergreen woody plants in the family Araliaceae. The two plant types only look alike. Ugh.

The formation of the athletic league will result in an 11 percent tuition increase across the schools that will make up the Creeper League. According to Maguire sophomore Philip Wilson, “whateves, I’ll just cover the increase with more loans.” [Image via]