8:29 am: Get into car with adopted children and pull out of driveway. Shiver in the cold, but refuse to turn on the heat in support of the global warming myth.

8:37 am: Stop at Starbucks for a latte.

8:44 am: Drop off adopted children at government mandated liberal arts kindergarten on route to job as Death Panelist.

9:02 am: Arrive at work. Approve the death of countless elderly veterans with of an effeminate flick of the wrist.

12:00 pm: Lunch.

1:00 pm: Two Minutes Hate.

1:02 pm: Conference call with the heads of the mainstream media. Offer open Massachusetts Senate seat in exchange for 20% increase in use of "Happy Holidays" over "Merry Christmas" in sitcom dialogue and talk show signoffs. Sign contract in lamb's blood.

3:15 pm: Herbal tea break.

3:24 pm: On way back to desk, duck into broom closet and briefly weep for your nation.

3:28 pm: Two hours of internet porn on the taxpayer's dime.

5:30 pm: Leave cushy government job for the day and drive home in Honda Accord. Listen to NPR and tap fingers on wheel in rhythm to the obnoxious jazz clips played in between segments.

5:57 pm: Arrive home. Hug adopted children and congratulate them for refusing to yet again recite the pledge of allegiance.