The last several days I have been dreaming about what will I do when these caregiving days are over? I completed a Master's degree two years ago and ended up as caregiver to my mom. So, I miss the working days, the intellectual stimulation that used my background to resolve problems.

What are your hopes and dreams that you want to achieve when this chapter of your life is over?

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My mom passed away December 20th of last year. I've been too damn tired to think of hopes and dreams. Sometimes it honestly feels like life is over, even though I know it isn't. When I say that care giving solo for over a decade did a number on my health, mental and physical, I'm not kidding. I don't even write here about some of the things that I go through sometimes.

Right now, after that whole decade, I'm just wanting to rest. And sleep. And be alone. I have no desire at all to be around other people in the slightest. I need and crave complete solitude. And quiet.

I feel a lot of stress and fear thinking of the future. I used to have a great job that involved being around the public all day....I can't even imagine doing that. I remember my boss saying to come back if my circumstances changed. They have, but I can't imagine going back to that chaos of a job just yet, much as I loved it. I feel like some kind of alien species in a world I know nothing about anymore.

For now, I take great pleasure in the small things in life. JB, I hear you. I so enjoy getting up and having coffee, knowing I can actually finish a cup without having to jump up again. I know when I go to bed at night now I can actually SLEEP...but weirdly, I'm still on 'mom hours'....If I sleep 5 hours in a stretch I'm doing really good. It's been a long, long time since I've actually slept 8 hours in a stretch.

I am enjoying having this house to myself. I've decluttered it for the most part. Still a ways to go though... I'm slowing turning it into my house rather than seeing it as solely my mom's house... I'm actually really enjoying that, even though it might sound awful... My mom and dad had this old plaid couch for over 30 years...Ugly as hell, but very well constructed and in prime condition after so many years. A bomb wouldn't harm that thing. lol I ordered a couch cover from Amazon in a lovely chocolate color, threw a soft, thick cream colored faux fur microfiber blanket over it, tossed on some cool pillows and viola! New couch! I'm really enjoying the re decorating. Finally, this house says me, too....not just MOM, if you know what I mean. My mom was always very possessive of everything she owned and wouldn't allow me to do anything at all here, even in my own room. Everything had to be what she liked and what she liked and thought looked good, I hated. lol I have more plans to fix this house up. It needs some much needed updating, and I am looking forward to that.

Sooner or later I'll have to get back out in the real world. For now, I'm holing up. I need it. I need to simply live in my cave and recover. It took over 10 years to get me here. It might be awhile before I dig my way out.

I do look forward to my naps. I thank God I can sleep whenever I feel the need. Such simple things, but so important.

I dream of having my own place, neat and clean and free of clutter. I dream of walking into my own kitchen to make coffee in the morning. I dream of watching TV shows I want to watch. My dreams are pretty simple. Expensive, but simple.

I have different dreams.... one would be to travel and meet some of my AC friends, help them out with their family members and have a great visit... I would love to teach or facilitate a caregiver group for Alz.... my biggest dream would be able to do my art and make money at it.... really doing something I enjoy, everyday.... just because I can.... not because I have to... Am looking forward to seeing what others dreams are.... beside napping.... we all want to take naps....

Relax. Remember the good parts of my mom. Enjoy vs dread holidays. Not jump every time the phone rings after hours. Find new ways to connect with my brother where our conversations will no longer just revolve around mom.

I live a great life and I'm not burdened with everyday care responsibilities, but I still suffer from the guilt sometimes and worry and waiting for the other shoe to drop, so "dream" of the days when that will be over.

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