This blog is about learning to take a close look at your thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions to find better and more effective ways to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and clearly communicate to build and maintain both professional and personal relationships...[Read More]

Successful conflict resolution depends on the careful application of several communication and relationship building principles and skills. Frankly, it can be complicated and difficult to do.

One critical skill in the complicated mess of conflict resolution is assertive communication. As I speak, write, coach, and train on the application of assertive communication techniques and strategies, I get many questions related to this topic. One of the most common questions relates to the potential risks of choosing to communicate assertively.

The question takes many forms, but it generally comes down to this:

When is it safe to speak assertively with another person?

This is a great question because it acknowledges the potential risk of confronting another person's behaviors. The conflict resolution process is full of various kinds of risks. There are usually relational risks. Sometimes there are financial risks. And occasionally there are physical risks.

I understand the risks. I see the risks. And I have to deal with the risks when I find myself in a real or potential conflict situation. To manage or mitigate these risks, I have developed three questions I ask of myself before I make the choice to communicate assertively.

Is there a way to act assertively that minimizes the risk of retaliation?

The starting point for mitigating the risk begins with taking a close look inwardly to see if there is a way I can adjust my behaviors to make it safe for the other person to receive what I have to say. With this question, I hope to find a way that I can deliver my message in a non-threatening manner.

Do I trust the other person to respond honorably and without retaliation?

If the answer to this question is yes, then I proceed with the assertive communication. If the answer is no, then I ask myself the third question.

Am I willing to accept the consequences if they do not?

This question reveals some additional risks raised by the question: Can Every Conflict Be Resolved? If I am willing to accept the consequences, then I proceed. If I am not willing to accept the consequences, then I look for another path to resolution.

These questions do not address every variable and every situation you might face in working to resolve a conflict. They are pretty good guidelines for making decisions about how to proceed in a conflict situation.

The question hung in the air between the two teenagers engaged in a conversation about family rules and expectations. While I do not know this to be true, it appeared to me that they come from families with different expectations and limits in the area of movie and media consumption.

As I observed the interaction, I heard a question asked out of genuine curiosity. I thought that it was just a question with no other implications attached to it. It was merely part of the young man trying to understand the young lady's family perspective.

Considering his tone and the context of the conversation though, I realized that it might be perceived as carrying an element of criticism or judgment.

I watched, listened, and waited for the young lady's response.

Would she hear a threat and respond defensively? Would she flash anger and go on the attack? Or, would she simply answer the question?

“I'm a Christian,” she said calmly and confidently. No sign of defensiveness. No indication of aggression. Just calm assurance.

The conversation continued without incident. It stayed friendly and interactive. No one became angry. No one argued. It came to a friendly conclusion.

Success – a potential unnecessary conflict avoided.

I was impressed. While I do not know exactly what was going on inside this young lady's mind or exactly what she felt, I do know what I observed. She dealt with the question as a question and not as a threat.

Many conflicts begin or escalate because one person or the other perceives a threat in the interaction. Once our natural threat response kicks in, most of us do not respond well. Often, our response is downright negative:

We get defensive.

We get angry.

We attack.

We retaliate.

We can all learn from what I observed in this interaction between two young people. In the end, they both showed a level of emotional maturity I often see lacking in people twice their age.

I'm experimenting a bit with video shorts to illustrate situations I have observed in my personal experience or heard about in my work with clients and workshop participants.

I'm hoping that short videos can help to convey ideas and illustrate concepts in a fun, humorous, and effective way that helps people to relate to both the scenario and the concept so that they can use it in real life.

This is my first effort at creating animated shorts using GoAnimate.com. I think I still have a lot to learn about how to do this well, but it seems promising at this point. Today, I'm just playing with the software and trying to figure it out.

I'd love to have your feedback on this type of content. Do you like the idea? Is it fun? Is it instructive? Can you learn from it?

The communication process really should be easy. You say something to another person. They hear it. They act in a way that is consistent with what you said. End of discussion.

And, it’s not quite that easy.

In reality, the process for spoken communication goes like this:

You get a picture in your mind of what you want to communicate.

You convert that picture into words, tone, and body language that describes the picture as you see it.

The other person hears the words and notices your tone and body language.

The other person converts the words, tone, and body language into a picture in their mind.

The other person reacts to the picture as they see it.

The reason the real process doesn’t always go as smoothly as the ideal process lies in two key phrases: “as you see it” and “as they see it.”

The challenge in communication is that we often use words, tone and body language that mean one thing to us and something very different to another person. The difference might only be small, and still it is different. As the differences get bigger they can cause major miscommunications that result in wasted time, effort, and energy. In high-stakes or emotion-charged situations, even small differences can drive the conversation in a negative direction.

One way to bridge the differences between how you interpret a message and how another person interprets the same message is to include a feedback loop – you might say an understanding check – into your communications strategies.

As I wrote before, I am not a big fan of silver-bullet, one-size-fits-all communication techniques. I think you need to consider the whole situation before you apply any specific technique or tactic.

At the same time, I think there are some phrases and approaches you can add to your repertoire in preparation for high-stakes or emotionally-charged situations so that you can respond better when you are under pressure.

The communication feedback loop is one approach that I recommend in my private coaching sessions and in the communication workshops that I lead. In my last post, I wrote about the feedback loop in terms of how to apply it to make sure that you understand others more clearly. Today, I’m offering the other side of the communication feedback loop – checking the other person’s understanding of what you said.

In many respects, this side of the feedback loop is a bit more delicate than repeating back what you heard. In this case, you are going to ask the other person to tell you what message they received from your communication effort. Done poorly, asking the other person what they heard can come across as condescending or aggressive. So, you have to work extra hard to add more words, to soften your tone, and to choose non-threatening body language to make this work.

Here are six questions you can use to make sure you have communicated effectively:

“Would you please say what you heard me say, so I can be sure that I was clear?”

“So that I can make sure I communicated clearly, would you please tell me what you heard me say?”

“I just want to make sure that I am clear. Would you please tell me what you understood me to say?”

“I’d like to make sure I said that clearly. Please tell me what you heard?”

“I’m not sure that I am conveying my idea the best way. What have you heard me say?”

“I may have said that in a way that does not really communicate what I’m trying to say. If I did, I’d like a chance to rephrase it. What message did you hear?”

Before you start looking for the right communication technique or words to use to convey an idea, you must consider three critical factors. They are not complicated. They are important. Failure to include them in your thinking, could lead to a failed communication.

Proper consideration of these three factors coupled with understanding the underlying principles of communication and conflict resolution will lead you to successful, powerful, and effective communications.

The general principles, concepts, and mindsets of effective communication are simple to say. In fact, they pretty much reduce to:

Assume the other person has benign intent until you definitely learn otherwise.

Communicate in ways that do not project a threat to the other person.

Make it easy for the other person to receive your message.

Close the loop on your communications to make sure you understood correctly and that the other person understood you correctly.

This list is probably not inclusive of every key communication principle. It does include the basic, underlying ideas for most of the techniques and approaches that I teach in workshops, help coaching clients to implement, and that I work to apply in my personal life. They are simple enough to express, and they are often difficult to apply.

Application becomes difficult because of the three critical factors I mentioned above. The foundational principles and core ideas combined with the three factors accounts for the wide range of possible communication strategies you could apply in a given situation.

The three factors are:

Your Message

In many cases, this is the first factor that most people consider, and they often consider it only from their perspective. If stated out loud, most people’s thinking would probably sound like this: “Here’s what I want to say.”

In reality, your message has two parts:

The message you are attempting to deliver, and

The message that the other person receives.

The second part of your message – the other person’s perception of it – is at least as important as the message you intend to deliver. As you choose your approach, make sure you consider both sides of the message.

Your understanding and consideration of the next two factors significantly influences how the other person receives your communication.

Your Relationship

The nature of your relationship with the other person must figure in your thinking as you communicate with him or her. While the general principles remain the same, the specific strategy for communicating with your supervisor is different from the strategy you would use with your colleagues or with people who report to you.

If there is a power mismatch between you and the other person, it could increase the perception of threat felt by either party. Keep this in mind as you plan your communications. If you are the “superior” party, you might have to work a little harder to take any subtly implied threat out of your communications. If you are in the “subordinate” position, you might hear threats that are not intended.

The Context

Where are you during the communication? Is it spoken or written, on the phone or face-to-face, one-on-one or in a group setting? Each of these situations – contexts – calls for a different consideration as you choose your communication tactics and techniques.

The bottom-line is this: if you are looking for silver-bullet, one-size-fits-all communication strategies – look no further. You will not find them.

Work on building your communication tool kit, develop and practice multiple approaches and phrases to use in different situations and with different people, and learn to read situations so that you can choose the best communication tool for the job. Do these things well, and you will become a remarkable communicator.

As you look for the right tool for the job in various situations, remember the three critical factors to improve your odds of success.