I’m out of words to express my needI’m out of tears to show my sorrowMy hands fold backTired and ashamed of stretching to receive from othersMy lips are dry from asking,Explaining my situationWhy I need help one more time

My nights are shortand full of agonyMy thoughts are cramped up in my small headFull of ideas gone sour

Monday, September 25, 2006

On saturday night on my way home from i know where, K gave me a ride home. Now i fret when am walking home late at night and a car pulls up infront of me. Especially when it's a car i don't recognise. So anyway, this car pulls ahead of me and stops. I keep walking on the side then as i pass it from a distance, the driver rolls down the window and it's this chic. I look at her in the semi-dark and she looks just a tad familiar. In my mind am trying to place where i've seen her. Suddenly she offers an intro and i remember where we've met. She offers to drop me home. We chat on the way to my house and do some bonding. We get to my house and we say the night niceties as she drops me off.

For some reason i couldn't sleep well on Saturday. I woke up at 4am. Darn it sleep, when i don't have anywhere to go i can't sleep wait until i have to get my ass up for work then i really want to sleep. WTH? is my system that jerked up or confused???

Anyway at 930am I went to a padres game b/c D used to play before he hurt his shoulder. He now trains some high school kids and i went to see them for whatever type of support you would call that lol. I left at 11am and went for the 12:30pm catholic mass. I wasn't raised catholic and i haven't had a desire to attend mass and the only one time i did it was for pure bliss. Long story short i did go for mass yesterday b/c i got an invite from my friend L. I walk in i totally forget there's holy water by the door, so i paused,deeped my hand and did the cross, then knelt towards the alter before i sat down. As I learnt later on L took me to the oldies mass. Now don't get me wrong church is church because it's what i make it but at least i like it when i get to sing. They had a lady who sang and the congregation did was repeat the chorus. Then for whatever reason i missed the sermon, i could have bet $1000 there wasn't a sermon until my friend said if i could that meant i'd slept thru the service which of course I hadn't. I think it's only because am used to one way of doing things and that was all so new to me.

Can you keep a secret? after the service i was browsing the church paper program they gave us on our way out. I wasn't browsing it just to look interested,no. I was browsing to find the hours for the confession box. I have this deep urge that i'd love to go into a confession box. Call me psycho...

I went back home slept until 5pm then went out to dinner w/ D because it was his birthday on Friday. It was D, K and I then later on D-boy and L joined us. We had a great time. Full of laughs, giggles, cheap thrills and utter amusement.By the time i got home i was so pooped i just wanted to sleep. And sleep well i did.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Yesterday was a good day because I slept in for a few hours. I woke up at 9-ish am and left the house for the library to get some schoolwork done. I needed to use the school computer now that my landlady won't let me use hers. Like I care. I was in the library until 5pm, technically they kicked me out because 5pm is when they close. At least I got some work done.

I have every number in my cellphone assigned to a group. Each group has a different ringtone. This helps me know who's calling without even looking. Now I am on the bus-stop waiting on the bus as i talk to my friend on the cellphone. Suddenly my phone makes this beeping sound to indicate an incoming call. It's, B, we haven't spoke since June, so why now? Of course I reject but he calls right back, i reject but he keeps calling back again and again w/o leaving a voicemail. Finally I get irritated and answer. He wants to meet-up show me a car he's selling. I'm not looking into buying a car anymore but common courtesy is good. I agree to meet him up and see it. God knows I don't have the money so this is just for the thrills. I meet him up like an hour later and the ride is the shit and then some. It's even black, just what i like. I like it instantly lol I drive it around for like an hour. Tell B too bad I can't buy it and tell him i have to get going since i have an early day tomorrow. He offers to drop me home. We get there and he pulls right infront of my gate and as i get out he reaches out and tries to kiss me. I push him off.

What's wrong with men? especially married MEN? for crying out loud sakes', you're married with children and you're still trying to sleep around. This is the second time the damnass has made a pass at me. First time i let it slide. But evidently he still hasn't given up. I have a lot of dignity and self-esteem. I have my own standards and principles that i live,eat and walk. I will not sleep around or go around kissing any man unless i'm married to him, then it's gotta be my husband.Yes, I know i'm different.

And people still wonder why i hang out alone, because i can't take such low-life mannerisms. Ugh makes me want to gag.

Cammon now and am suppossed to believe in marriage and relationships???Singlehood rocks!

Current mood: DisgustedSong currently playing in my mind: We walk the same line-EBTG

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

What does it take to hope?Believing that tomorrow will be better than todayThat you’ll get a second chanceThat you’ll make a difference

You get your fill to eatBut always keep that hungerHunger-is the wanting to see moreFeel moreTouch moreCrave/desire/search out/find/hold moreSometimes hunger hurts more

May you never take one single breathefor grantedSo breathe out and breathe inAnd soak it all up

God forbid love ever leave your empty-handedBut if it does,May it leave you patient and strongerWilling and wiser, tender and tougher

I hope u still feel smallWhen u stand beside ocean

Whenever oneDoor closes I hopeOne more opens

Promise me that u’ll give faith aFighting chance

A promise is all about faithA promise is only as strongAs your own faith in your own selfSo when u give your wordIn light of your strengths and in spiteOf your weaknesses,To struggle and follow throughYou are doing a beautiful thing

And when you get the chanceTo sit it out or danceI hope danceWho cares what you sound like with a voice all your own

I hope you never fear those mountains inThe distance

Its crossing your fingers when the map doesn’t make sense, when the compassDoesn’t know truly north from truly lost, and it’s up to youto persevere and get to the other side

Loving might be a mistakeBut it’sWorth makingThis is really big stuff!This is the crux of the wholeAdventure!

Love, love, loveYou have to loveAnd if you don’t get love right,You have to move onAnd forgiveAnd then you have to rememberThat you’ve forgivenOr else you can’t move on.And If you don’t move onU’ll surely end up..Bitter

When you come close to selling outReconsiderYou one worth so muchTo me, to us, to life as such

Give the heavens aboveMore than a passing glanceHeaven-a place somehow high above the clouds,Yet deep inside your soulA place of complete peace of total, utter happinessA place greater than the sum of everything you’ll ver be or could ever imagine to beA place we all want to get toBut just not yet…

And when you get the choice to st outOr danceI hope you dance

I hope you dance becauseTimeTime is a wheelTime is a wheel in constant motionAlwaysRolling along usTell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder…Where their years have gone

But I’d also like to think that time and age are cousins-they’re relative.Who said you have to go by actual miles?If you didn’t know how old you were, how old would you be?(me, I’m sticking with eighteen)

I’ll even argue that you can bottle youthWhat you store it in is all up to you(I suggest you heart)If you can figure out a way to keepThe energy and fire aliveYou’ll always stay youngAnd where there’s youth, there’s hopeWhere there’s hope, there’s wonderWhere there’s wonder, there’s faithWhere there’s faith, there’s chanceWhere there’s chance, there’s loveWhere there’s love, there’s musicAnd dancing.

So in my heart of heart’sI hope you danceI really hope you dance-Amen-

-WAIT-promise me one more thing:if tommorrow you wake up feelingunoriginalor as if you don’t belongor faithlessor tired of this worldplease remember this(or just call me)