On Being Attractive – That Philosophy Dude

We live in a time where everybody claims to know what makes one attractive. The art of seduction still appears to be a lucrative business, and this implies people are still paying ridiculous amounts of money to learn from the best.

I think this is utter Bullshit. I certainly do not question that this art exists, nor do I deny that some are better at it than others. But I do think it is insane and perhaps even immoral that people make a business out of this and prey on the insecurities of the many. In doing so they are willing to charge unspeakable amounts of money for knowledge that really is not that difficult to find—or apply.

We philosophers literally love knowledge, and I’m no exception. But I also love to share it, because I know that happiness caused in others is conducive to that of our own. If that is called selfish, I am happy to embrace it. So, exactly what kind of knowledge does this selfish philosopher want to share with you? I’m getting close to being thirty-two years old, you see. Physically, that is. I perceive my mental age—let us assume silly dualism—to be more like that of, say Noah.[1] Not that I believe in the existence of God, but let us leave that old—and at times, annoying—chestnut for when we have had too much beer.[2]

So, after 950 years I can rightly say I have had my fair share of experiences in life. My parents were not always that cool, so I left home early and I also lived in many places. During this exodus I have met all kinds of people: crazy ones, funny ones, druggies, fellow philosophers, superficial ones, intelligent ones, and whatnot. I am truly grateful for this. Nietzsche not only rocked his ‘stache, his views on happiness were tight as well.[3] But I digress. Selfish as I am, I want you to respect my authority[4] on the knowledge that I deduced from life, and, on top of that, have the patience to deal with the verbal diarrhea that I use to express it.

So, today, I will delve into what it means to BE ATTRACTIVE. What has experience told me so far? Philosophical decency urges me to be precise. What the hell—you rightly ask—does it even mean? Ah, definitions! Philosophers love definitions. Definitions are sexy. What does Merriam-Webster have to say about this?

Simple definition of attraction

: something interesting or enjoyable that people want to visit, see, or do

: a performer who people want to see

: a feeling that makes someone romantically or sexually interested in another person[5]

Quite simple, is it not? Every lad that frequently goes clubbing knows this is not true. It only takes observation to see this. Now, I like to surround myself with all kinds of people. It makes me feel alive. And we still like to go out. During such nights, the club or bar becomes a social polis in which my mates and I form a perfect community, and where drinks, laughter and small talk are rampant. The happiness that such nights bring us simply is irreplaceable—man is, among other things, a party animal.[6]

I believe attraction is essentially two-fold. That is, one can be physically or mentally attractive, or both. We generally don’t go to night clubs to have interesting conversations, so in this article I will focus on the physical dimension of being attractive within the context of a club. Being in a club definitely makes for great theatre. All kinds of things happen, especially so when there is a mixture of guys and attractive women within its confines. So the survival of the fittest (i.e., most attractive) begins. Despite the fact that being—becoming—attractive really is not that difficult, most of the theatre that I see remains tragedy, and I’m not sure whether this is hilarious or sad. What follows are two initial rules that will boost your attractiveness in general, and specifically so within the zoo that is the night club.

RULE 1: HAVE FUN

No shit Sherlock, you say. But body language always tells, and fun is often not what it says. One need not look far to see a group of men forming a hermetic circle, where each of the lads is having yet another beer to dampen social awkwardness, put up a fake laugh and obsessively scan his direct environment. Earlier that night they were binge drinking at Joe’s place, and here they discussed what hot—or not so hot—women they have had sex with, and what goals they set for tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I do understand. I’ve been there. But it is this enforced mind-set that will be obvious the moment you enter the club. As such, it breaths neediness. Hello mister Neediness. In doing so, you confine the quality of your night to just that, the approval of women.

Don’t be that guy. Women are excellent readers of body language, and the neediness that your body is telling them is not attractive. What you need is another mind-set in the first place. Have fun, drink beer, and let the quality of your night depend on being with your lads and have fun in the first place. You are having a great night out with your friends, and anyone who is cool and wants to participate in this bubble is more than welcome. Because that is what you are, a social animal who is open to anyone who feels like having fun. As a group, you radiate fun. You having fun does not depend on the approval of others. Awesome.

It gets even better. What this happiness naturally creates is congruent body language. As you are having fun, your body is essentially doing the same. So your body doesn’t mind occupying much personal space. It doesn’t mind bumping into others occasionally. It smiles. It leaves its hands outside of its pants pockets, and it doesn’t even think of having its arms crossed. You just became the living definition of happiness. You became both a party and a social animal. Good for you.

RULE 2:DON’T BE AN OBVIOUS HUNTER, DUDE

Hunting is a great sport, sure. But subtlety is key. Those hunters who identify hunting with a pursuit of winning ‘targets’ and obsessively focus on ‘indicators of interest’ exhibit a need and are generally not subtle. Why? Because by making it your core activity, you invest all your energy and thought into the process. This will most likely transform you into a desperate animal, whose intentions are all too clear. Plus, putting too much thought in it will effectively eliminate spontaneity, and nothing kills being attractive as a lack of spontaneity does—if we’re talking first impressions, that is. Hunting and subtlety need not be mutually exclusive, you know. In fact, those individuals who combine the two—in my (own) experience—turn out to be the most effective in it. By investing all your energy into the process, no energy is left to invest in having fun in the first place (see above). It will become an ordeal. Putting too much—if any—thought into the matter will make you cautious—‘what should I say to her’? Just as having fun does, being cautious will have an impact on your body language. Your body naturally follows. And it certainly will not be considered attractive. We are talking night club here. That means loud music, mass intoxication and vibrant energy levels. Thus, the attempt of initiating an interesting conversation with your ‘target’ is, frankly, doomed to fail.

So, subtlety then. How does that work? Given the context, an emphasis should initially be put on body language. Since you let the quality of your night depend on having fun with your mates in the first place, your body says fun as well. This will naturally attract others to you. If you happen to see an attractive woman, don’t stare. Be subtle, not creepy. If your eyes meet hers, be sure to hold that connection for a few seconds, and definitely smile. If she responds to your smile, you could, of course, leave your mates and talk to her. It would show that you go after what you desire, and that is attractive. But let’s not. Let’s be subtle. Have fun with your friends first. A few moments later you see her again. Smile. You sense possibility. Good. Guess what, your mates could have another beer. Or perhaps nature calls. The force is strong. So, instead of investing all your energy or thought into meeting her, you create an instrumental and totally acceptable reason to speak to her, if only for a few seconds.

Since you are on your way to get those delicious beers, you might as well say hi to her in the meantime. Given that you are attracted to her, you want to make sure this is communicated properly. Nice guys generally focus on having an interesting conversation and ways of pleasing her. Being completely in agreement with all she tells you as a way of pleasing her kills your personality. Also, it annihilates the possibility of creating a positive tension between the two of you. Nice guys and positive tension never coexist. So, whilst passing her, you should use those few seconds to communicate to her that you are confident, exciting and have a sense of mystery. Subtlety allows you to indirectly communicate to her that you may be attracted to her, but that she can still blow it—yes, hilarious. You do not seek approval, so her reaction—be it positive or negative—does not really intimidate you, neither does her physical appearance. Being hot really is not that interesting. It is common and nature did it. Next, make sure that in those few seconds you do make physical contact with her, since you want to convey that you are a sexual man, and not just a talkative nice guy wanting to get zoned—unless, of course, this is what you want. Again, subtlety is crucial.

Feeling confident and showing it are naturally related, but awareness about this relationship enables you to disentangle them. While it is true that feeling confident naturally causes congruent body language, its converse appears to obtain as well: if you feel insecure but consciously choose to apply a body language that conforms to confidence, you will start to feel more confident.[7] Awesome. This is helpful. Whatever your mental situation is, always show confident body language. Christ, this article is way too long. This day is not. That philosophy dude needs to make himself some dinner.

Got a question for that philosophy dude? Please do ask. I might be happy to be totally philosophical about it and respond to it in an upcoming article.

I’m that philosophy dude that you randomly meet in a bar. A few hours later you struggle to get home and think about the meaning of it all. You realize that talking to me probably was a bad idea, since philosophy dudes like me tend to get you all philosophical about shit that doesn’t really matter, or does it? This particular philosophy dude likes lots of stuff. He likes spicy Indian food, deep discussion, Louis C.K., TED, strong coffee, decent beer, writing pretentious articles and, of course, wisdom. I want to marry wisdom.