Wednesday, December 16, 2015

How to Recognize Grooming and Avoid Becoming a Victim

First, let’s
understand what we’re talking about. If you think grooming means combing one’s hairand washing one’s face,well that’s not what we’re talking about in this post. We’re addressing a
second definition:

Grooming= To
prepare or train someone for a purpose or activity. “The criminal activity of
becoming friends with a child, especially over the Internet, in order to try to
persuade the child to have a sexual relationship.”*

First, let me say that grooming, while many times aimed
at minors, also happens with adults. Grooming is when an adult or teen prepares or
trains another person so that what happens later (the abuse) seems normal.
Grooming can occur between members of the same sex or opposite sex.

I believe we need
to be aware.I believe we need to understand what’s happening when we see
it. Especially if you have children in your care, you need to understand what
to look out for. You need to recognize the signs.

Grooming is nothing new. It didn’t just pop up in the
last ten years. It’s always been around. But, it’s more of a problem today for
two reasons:

Children are online and unsupervised.

There are more perverted people, due to pornography and
damaged souls.

It’s easy to tell a parent, “beware of grooming” without
helping him to have any idea what to look for. We need to understand how an
abuser acts.

This describes the
normal progression of grooming:

Friendship—The
potential abuser is the nicest person around. He (the male pronoun represents
both men and women throughout this post) might be a family friend or someone
with easy access. He is friendly, funny, sweet, and he can be with his victim a
lot. In the case of online friendships, he may lie and say he’s a much younger
person, but he will be friendly, talky, funny, and sweet.

Gifts—In
general, the friendly person becomes even more beloved because he gives gifts
to his victim. They can be actual gifts, privileges, or rewards.

Touch—The
potential abuser begins to touch his victim in an unthreatening way. He might
begin with side hugs, touching the victim’s hair, or pats on the shoulder,
thigh, or knee. Usually, the victim doesn’t even notice the progression and
enjoys the warmth and touching. This “innocent” touching soon changes to
stroking.

Personal touching—The
abuse has begun. The abuser touches his victim in a sexual way. Almost always,
he swears his victim to silence. Sometimes, it’s a threat like “I will hurt you
(or your siblings, parents) if you ever tell anyone about our special
relationship.” Sometimes it’s making them promise, “Promise me you won’t let
anyone in on our special friendship. We wouldn’t want to spoil it.” At any
rate, this is why much abuse doesn’t get reported. The victim is afraid either
he or someone he loves might get hurt if he tells.

Notice what’s
happening in grooming:

There’s access.
The victim doesn’t feel threatened at first. The parents aren’t uneasy. The
victim is exposed to this perverted person time after time after time. There’s
a high level of trust.

The abuser is
patient.He (or she) doesn’t expect immediate gratification. Grooming is a
process over time. The abuser is seeking a long-term relationship.

So, what can you
do?If you’re a parent, caregiver, friend, or even a potential victim, and
you notice something isn’t right, what can you do?

Prevent—Make
sure you know everyone who has access
to your child. Make sure you know where he is, who is supervising him, and are
aware with whom he chats online. Don’t let your kids do sleepovers, unless you
are sure the children will be supervised by like-minded parents. Make sure you
know every child and teen that will be there. If you have any doubt at all, it’s easier to say no the first time. (Quite a
few parents never permit their children to do sleepovers at all. It’s not a bad
idea.)

Watch—Monitor
your children online. (If you don’t know how to do this, find out.) Caution
your kids not to tell anyone online where they go to school, where they live,
etc. and not to show their location with photos, either. Watch for teens and
adults who pay special attention to your child (or to you, for that matter).

Say “no”—If
anyone asks to drive your child somewhere, one-on-one, the answer is no. If an
adult wants a play date with your child, the answer is no. (This is not normal!) If an adult seeks alone
time with your child, view it as totally weird, and say no. (The same goes for
adult-adult grooming. You don’t need to be alone with anyone not family.)

Be alert—Do
you observe someone hugging a child all the time, sitting close to him, touching
his hair, or rubbing his back? If it happens more than once, go over to that
person and advise him that you don’t think that’s appropriate behavior. If
you’re not the parent, go to the child’s parent and report what you’ve noticed.
If it doesn’t stop, do everything you can to make it known to any authority that
needs to know (parents, pastor, school teacher, principal, etc.).

Educate—Help
your child from the time he is quite small to know the names for all the parts
of his body. Help him know which parts are private and not to be touched
(except, if necessary, by medical professionals). Tell him to report to you or
his father if anyone ever touches him there. As children get older, ask
pertinent questions—not often, but as occasions present themselves. Make sure
nothing is happening that you don’t know about. Make sure your kids are
comfortable talking to you.

Ask—If you
think you smell a rat, ask your child if Potential Abuser Name has ever made
him feel uncomfortable. Then ask why. Don’t put any words in the child’s mouth.
Listen. Let him tell you in his own words. If he admits to feeling
uncomfortable, and it sounds like grooming, ask if Potential Abuser told him
not to tell anyone. If so, you can be sure something’s going on that’s not
right.

Tell—I understand
the factors. I really do. People are afraid of reprisals, of not being
understood, and of court cases. Some predators are married with normal
families. Some may be “responsible” members of a church. But, do you really
want the abuser to be free to groom others? Most abusers are never reported.
Never. This isn’t right. They will only move on and abuse more people. Were you
abused? Was your child abused? Report it. Call the police. Get that person out
of your life, and protect others. Was it adult-adult abuse? Make it public.
Report it to the authorities. Why do people report crimes like theft, breaking
and entering, and assault, yet sexual grooming and assault goes free? It’s a
crime against someone’s body. It is a crime,
and it should be punished.

In the Christian
community, in churches, and in Christian schools,there’s a wonderful
family atmosphere, and people trust each other. But more and more, there are wolves
among vulnerable sheep. Please heed and be watchful. You may be able to prevent
abuse.

2 comments:

We just did an intervention for our 16 year old daughter who was being groomed by a 25 year old woman. We should have checked her computer sooner and her phone. Parents, don't be afraid to do that. You could save a child from sex trafficking or worse. Unfortunately, here in Colorado the age of consent is 16 and there is nothing we can do legally, but we can block, remove equipment and educate and lastly love our daughter back to a place where she feels safe. Please be careful parents. The internet can be a pandora's box that can ruin your lives.

Hi and welcome to In the Way! I explore many subjects, striving always to present them from a biblical viewpoint. Feel free to browse the tabs at the top for general categories. If you don't see what you're looking for, use the search button below. I'm a pastor's wife, mother of two, grandma, teacher, author, and blogger. I live in a quaint little village in the beautiful Basque region of northern Spain.

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Lou Ann is a young-thinking grandma with an infectious laugh. She rejoices in nature and other beautiful things--including people! She's an avid writer and practices several other artistic expressions, like singing when no one's listening, calligraphy, photography, and even "serious art." Lou Ann loves her Lord Jesus Christ, family, and her church.