I was a 29 year old mother of three who had spent eleven years with my love. I was widowed. This diary begins five years after his death. I hope to capture the memories of this journey. The lessons. The joy. The sadness. The humor. The faith. The hope.

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Monday, January 25, 2010

SOMETIMES I'M SO SAD I CRY IN MY BODY

One of the elements of healing is helping the children heal.

My oldest (9 when his dad died), as I have mentioned before, has struggled the most. I think he truly didn't want to let go of the grief or the anger - because the grief and anger allowed him to feel connected to his father still. It was his way of proving and FEELING like he still missed him. Of course, I am no psychologist... just a mom with a gut feeling.

My middle child, who is a girl (7 when her dad died), has taken it in stride for the most part. I have watched her shed more tears over her gerbil that died or the bird's eggs out her window that were smashed than I have her father. Of course, when she was upset or hurt - she used to go to her dad. That's right... I think he was more nurturing than I - so even if it meant waiting for him to get home from work, she would go crying to her dad the minute he walked in, as if the injury had just happened. He put on her band aids, not mom. I have watched her cry a lot over minor injuries or little things where a little kiss on the forehead would have made her better in an instant before. I think those have been her moments of mourning and grief. Her daddy wasn't there to run to.

My youngest (5 when his dad died).... oh how I have ached for him. Once he was upset over something... I think he had gotten in trouble (he is a sensitive one... doesn't like to do wrong). He was in his room crying after the incident and I walked in to see him curled up in his bed hugging a photo of his dad.

Another time, at the age of six he spoke the words I think each of us could understand... for we had all felt that way. We were talking about Dad... and he simply said.... "sometimes I am so sad I cry in my body".