A prestigious experience in the hospitality business, strong determination, and innate elegance distinguish this woman manager of a well-known accommodation facility just outside Milan. I talked to her about how she relates to the boss and I discovered when respect and gentle manners work.

How would you define the relationship with your boss?Initially, it was a difficult relationship. When he arrived he was very young, not very experienced and not interested in the dynamics of the new job. For my part, there was little admiration for this reason. Today the relationship is excellent. He grew up into the role, he is very present and interested, I completely re-evaluated him.

How do you tell your boss that you want to give him feedback? What kind of language do you use?Working in a very small environment and always having the opportunity to be in contact with him, when I want to give him feedback I simply ask the chance to talk to him. If I can, the communication takes place verbally otherwise I send an email or a message asking for an interview. I always express my opinions in the simplest and most direct way possible without ever being presumptuous and always trying not to override his role.

How much can you be honest and objective in giving your feedback?Honesty comes first to me, at work as in private life. There are cases in which it is more complicated to be honest but, sometimes taking a bit of latitude in the talk, I try to get to the point.

What do you do in front of a negative reaction from your boss?Each of us is free to express our thoughts, the important thing is to never disrespect anyone. Therefore, if his disappointment remains polite and correct, I listen to his motivations and try to understand his point of view, trying respectfully to make him understand mine, otherwise, I pull back momentarily. I do not insist because I think it is not possible to talk to those who do not want to listen.

What do you do when you’re not sure if you want to receive feedback on a subject that is particularly sensitive to you?I have a lot of patience and I use kind methods to find a way to at least have him listen to me.

What strategy do you use to get better behaviors on your part?No particular strategy. I adapt to his behavior. If he wants to joke, I participate in the fun. If he wants to stay on his own, I don’t show around. I always keep a smile and a polite attitude that often leads him to blunt some rigid or nervous attitudes.

What do you appreciate about his leadership style?He is a very serious and sincere person and has an impeccable style. He knows how to be very kind but also strong and decisive if necessary.

What’s your favorite thing about your boss?His ability to never lose clarity even in particularly stressful and confusing situations.

Have you learned more about his strengths or weaknesses?I am convinced that you always learn from other people. Often living with the defects of those close to us we can test sides of our character that normally we could not know.

What would you change?I think I would not change anything, we are all different and we have to accept ourselves for what we are. The day when I won’t stand my job environment, I think I would look for a new job.

How did you support yourself in your professional growth?Giving me maximum trust and possibility of action, leaving me free to operate independently.

Do you think you are doing your best to build a balanced relationship with your boss?I really think so. I always try to improve my relationships with those around me. I am sure that time is the first thing to help and that, by questioning each other, more and more meeting points can be found.

How to handle the relationship with a difficult boss? A top manager at a multinational company based in Milan talked to me about the relationship with his boss, a clashing working relationship, made of lights and shadows, and not always comfortable to handle.

How would you define the relationship with your boss?
Fluctuating, made of ups and downs. There are days when it is good and everything is granted, while other days when he “gets up on the wrong side of the bed” and it is best to stay away from him.

How do you tell your boss that you want to give him feedback? What kind of language do you use?
Unfortunately, he is not the person that accepts direct feedback, I have tried it and I do not intend to do it again. Whenever I want to transfer a message about something important I use third-party examples or just talk about facts, referring to the goals I must achieve, asking if he supports the action I choose to take.

How honest and objective are you in giving your feedback?
His inability to accept feedback leads me to be extremely objective in the examples I use to avoid building a link to him, to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

What do you do in front of a negative reaction from your boss?
I listen to everything that he “roars” on me and then I ask if I can express my opinion. I do not think that responding with the same tone leads to anything constructive. I usually resort to events in subsequent meetings to show my reasons. I learned that to move somebody away from irrationality, rational arguments and rational questions are the best.

What do you do when you are not sure he wants to get an answer on a particularly sensitive topic for you?
I ask if he wants to deal with a topic, quoting him, and clearly explaining why the topic is important for me.

What strategy do you use to get better behaviors on your part?
I try to prepare the ground for a presentation sent a few days in advance, and then setting up a meeting with him by posting my motivations in the invitation. In this way I try to give him time to digest concepts, to avoid irrational reactions.

What do you appreciate about his leadership style?
When he believes in something, he does not have to leave it halfway through and he reaches the goal.

What is your favorite thing about your boss?
He has an incredible mental speed, capable of adapting to different topics in no time.

Have you learned more about his strengths or his weaknesses?
Surely from his weaknesses, but probably because it is humanly easier to express criticism than appreciations. Anyway, I have clear in my mind a list of behaviors that, looking at him, I want to avoid.

What would you change?
In my opinion, listening is a virtue that every leader should have more than anything else. My boss does not have very high listening skills. He believes he is the most intelligent in the room and this does not honor or help him to get the best out of his team.

How did he support you in your professional growth?For the time being, I cannot say that he has helped me consciously in my professional growth, but he certainly helped me to look at his mistakes and listen to the opinions on his behavior. In some of these behaviors, I see a part of myself in the past and this has helped me to improve, understanding now what I should avoid doing.

Do you think you are doing your best to build a balanced relationship with your boss?I think I could probably do more, but I am not willing to compromise with my values. Transparency, authenticity, confidence, resilience are all values on which I am not willing to compromise just to show me untruly smiling with my boss when I do not share his behavior or his choices.

According to you, what pushes him to behave in such a manner?I think that his behavior is partly due to the fact that he has to handle a lot of pressure and partly because he lacks trusting people.Due to his ego, he positions himself above everyone else in the room.

What will you do next time to get the best out of it by respecting your values?I should smile more, this is not difficult, as well as I should communicate some more appreciation for what he does, which is not always wrong. Also, I think I have to find more opportunities to talk to him making him feel less insecure and more open to giving confidence around him.

The leader seen from the follower. How does a situation change if we observe it from another angle? For the first time in this blog, a team member gives feedback to his boss. Because there are no leaders without followers who support ideas and actions.
I talked to a senior manager of a mid-sized Italian company. I won’t disclose her name for confidentiality but I thank her for answering my questions. Below is the excerpt of the interview.

How would you define the relationship with your boss?Great, I would say. There are some elements that I find fundamental in the relationship with the leader: esteem, confidence, respect, and indisputable alignment. At the heart of everything, there is a profound mutual knowledge that allows combining these characteristics to build an optimal relationship.

How do you tell your boss that you want to give him feedback? What kind of language do you use?Assessing the importance of feedback is the first rule to choose the right tool. Sometimes it is just an announcement or a preview of the expected result that will be further explored later. Also, today technology allows us to communicate in real time via SMS, email, sending pictures and videos without having to wait for the end of the meeting or set a dedicated meeting to communicate feedback in person. I use a very direct language, with a detailed presentation of facts and sharing of criticality. In this case, I also propose alternative actions to achieve the expected result. I do not have the ability to condense the exposure of the facts by agreeing or turning around the subject, especially if I decide to use fast communication. Synthesis and focus on the key issues to share are crucial to obtain the best attention during feedback

How honest and objective are you in giving your feedback?On a scale of 0 to 10, I think I am close to the top when expressing feedback with purpose. Not being objective and honest in the answers certainly complicates the relationship. By hiding issues, these don’t get solved.

What do you do in front of a negative reaction from your boss?Adapting to the intensity of the negative reaction. I listen to the reasons and try to understand the context. Not always a negative reaction is related just to feedback, in fact other factors can negatively affect other aspects of the day. For me, it is important to communicate information when the focus of the boss is at the best listening stage, easily perceived by personal knowledge and leadership habits.

What do you do when you’re not sure your boss wants to get an answer on a particularly sensitive topic for you?I move to the goal with perseverance and tenacity, together with a good deal of patience to reach the ideal condition of dialogue on the subject. If I feel that communication has the characteristics of emergency I use short and fast messages to share the theme. Otherwise, I carry on with perseverance.

What strategy do you use to get better behaviors on your part?Knowing the personality, habits, and ways in which you and your boss interact allow you to adopt more strategies to create conditions creating optimal behaviors. It may seem presumptuous but from the first morning greetings, you can understand which kind of day will it be.

What do you appreciate about his leadership style?Consistency, a virtue based on the correspondence between words and facts and the personal charisma, quality not belonging to many people.

What is your favorite thing about him?The determination with which he achieves his goals, along with the ability to listen and look ahead. This allows him to have a strategic and comprehensive vision on the important topics.

Did you learn more about his strengths or weaknesses?You will always learn, thanks to the careful selection of strengths and weaknesses. I enrich myself with strengths and reflect on weaknesses that have consequences.

What would you change?Nothing, because I don’t believe in changing people. It may seem like an absolute statement but it is just the acceptance of people for what they are and how they relate to the Universe. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It is fundamental to know the best from each person and to take into account what can never be realized. Squeezing an orange will not give apple juice.

How did he support you in your professional growth?With a great deal of action and exchange of ideas and opinions. I always think that the best achievements are the result of the work, skills and synergy of a group of people, not solos.

Do you think you are doing your best to build a balanced relationship with your boss?Yes, although every day you can learn something new to build a path that flexibly adapts to the optimum relationship. It is crucial for me to maintain a high level of dialogue, share content, and be honest in addressing situations that have not led to all expected results.