School shooting: How parents can help their children cope

“Turn off the television,” said David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. If weekend plans include decorating a Christmas tree, having a play date or attending a holiday concert, all of those things should go on as planned.

Both Finkelhor and Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of two books on parenting, warned against parents transferring their anxiety about the shooting to their children. “Don’t feel the need to overshare,” Mogel advised.

“The reality is this kind of thing is very, very rare. Schools are the safest place kids can be; much safer than being at home,” Finkelhor said. In 2010, the last year for which there are statistics, 17 children were killed in schools in the United States, according to Finkelhor. That accounted for less than 2 percent of all child-related homicides that year, he said.

So what should parents do and what are some of the signs that their children are upset?

* Have a discussion (and this is the important part) if you think your kids need it. “Answer their questions, but don’t dwell on it,” Finkelhor said. Part of any discussion must include telling children “that schools are very, very safe places ... kids need to know that” to calm their concerns, he said.

* Don’t be afraid to not have a conversation. “I wouldn’t go out of my way to talk about this if you don’t think your child has heard about and seen something about” it, Finkelhor added. Or as Mogel put it, parents don’t need to “make sure our kids find out the worst about human nature and our society” at an extremely young age.

* Do what you normally do. “Routines are extremely important to kids, especially when there has been any kind of trauma,” Mogel said. And don’t let them see you upset. Mogel echoes the “turn off the TV” advice, adding “don’t let kids hear you talking about it all the time.” That will only add to their anxiety.

* Don’t expect your child to have a bad reaction. “You don’t want to cross-examine your child about how he is feeling about this news,” Mogel said. “Have the conversation and then just observe them for any signs of distress.”

* What are some signs that your child is upset? “For younger kids, you’ll see difficulty sleeping, tummy aches, headaches,” Mogel said. If your child shows those signs, “then more reassuring discussion is in order,” she added.

* Talk about bigger issues with older kids. Discussions about “political issues, gun safety and how laws and society protect us” can be a good way for parents and teenagers to have productive conversation about the tragedy, Mogel said.

Tracy GrantTracy Grant is The Washington Post’s managing editor for staff development and standards. She is the second woman in the history of The Post to achieve the rank of managing editor. Grant came to The Post in 1993 as a copy editor and served as a graphics editor and business editor before becoming the newsroom’s first Web editor in 1999.