Friday, April 29, 2011

Have I Got News For You!

Good news everyone! I finally got my fancy new video card working. Why is this significant? Because up until now every single multiplayer game I had on Steam did not work on my computer. Oh sure, the games loaded just fine, but in game everything looked like a lava lamp had vomited on it. Plus, ragdolls (models with joints like people, robots and aliens for you non-technical types) didn't render so much as they were splashed across the screen like a giant kite made of skin and blue overalls. It was extremely distressing, not just because I couldn't play my beloved Counter-Strike, but because Leo was getting more hats then me in Team Fortress 2 (It's ok, no one plays that anymore anyway.).

So that's how it was for a couple months. I was deprived of my precious video games, with nothing to do but create Insomnia. Strangely enough, Half-Life 2 and it's Episodes weren't broken even though they received the same update as every other game.

A few weeks ago, Insomnia finished, I thought my life couldn't become any more beautiful, but who would have guessed it, Portal 2 was released. So I've been playing that AND Counter-Strike non-stop this week. I'll tell you all about that later. For now, it's time to take another look into the dark world of...

...album covers.

Night Rocker By David Hasselhoff

Oh thanks David, this is a real great way to start the evening. Honestly, those leather pants can't be comfortable. If my calculations are correct, that awful fuzz that's obscuring the picture is actually rain, in which case David here is even more unfortunate for being stuck in those pants. While we're at it, KITT probably isn't taking to kindly to having a view of those pants' backside.

"Funk Dumpling" By Perry Robinson 4It's never a good idea to host a jazz orchestra in Paranoia, it's inevitable that all the clarinets will turn into Planet Killers, after that happens the whole evening generally goes down hill.

Grey Oceans By CocoRosie

Around the time my mustache became thick and properly manly, I started to see the world in a new way. I had an epiphany: everyone should have a mustache, even women.

After seeing this cover...I don't think women should have mustaches.

They should have beards.

(Yes, their music is as strange as the cover would have you believe.)

No, no no no!

NO. I don't want to see these two in my dreams! Seriously, take a look at that one to the right, it looks like some awful plastic mannequin brought to life with witchcraft. If those aren't murder-eyes I don't know what are.

On second thought, don't look at that one too long. It might steal your soul.

Slave to the Rhythm By Grace Jones

Oh my god. Grace Jones was always a little frightening, she was a Bond villain after all but this is pushing it. I'm serious, I get the sensation that I am actually going to fall inside her mouth, it's like staring into the event horizon of a black hole. Please stop screaming Grace, you're making this post more frightening then it needs to be.

If it helps there's a My Little Pony version...

NO!

Trout Mask Replica By Captain Beefheart

Finally, a proper cover. You know, not all Deep Ones want to impregnate our Earth-Women with mutant fish-spawn. Some of them are upstanding citizens who pay their taxes. Take the captain here, he became quite popular in the Innsmouth night club scene. Afterwords he went on tour all over New England, eventually playing at the Grand Ole Opry.

Now that's the American Dream.

The Ethel Merman Disco Album By Ethel

Don Elliot hurtled through the void of space on his moped of death. Entire worlds went up in flame trying to fight the power of Jazz, none succeeded. It seemed like all was lost, nothing could be done to stop Don from destroying all of reality.

But Ethel knew his one weakness: Disco.

Leberkas Hawaii By Gerhard Polt

Um, appetizing? Honestly, Gerhard here doesn't look too thrilled after transforming into a hunk of spam. It's okay Gerhard, at least you have a tasteful garnish to keep you company. I'm pretty sure no one wants to eat you anyway...well, maybe Grace Jones might.

HEINO!

Heino strikes again! This time with an armful of poodles! Escape is impossible: They will hunt you to the ends of the motel parking lot and force you to listen to Heino's musical stylings.