Just gonna get a head start on this before the premiere tonight. Any discussion about the new season should go here - please no spoilers in the cbox as not everyone may be able to watch in real time. XD

In case yall were wondering, I am indeed recapping once more because yes I love doing this. Without further ado, episode 1, Dragonstone:

-was not expecting to see my buddy Walder-is this like a weird reshoot of the Red Wedding?-nope-what is going on?-oh I see-yes this speech yes this is awesome-poisoned all of you poisoned muahaha-YES RIP THE FACE OFF-THE NORTH REMEMBERS-perfection-honestly my favorite moment of the season right here already nothing can stand in my way-this was amazing. Everything about it. Seriously Arya is the fucking greatest who could ever disagree-I'm so happy going into the intro-some white walkers-just to remind us they're a thing-oh it was a Bran vision-hi edd-lol edd like wth is with this creepy kid-but they're let in-oh we're back with jon and everyone-and we're arguing pretty quick-before that though, tormund is cool and lyanna argues for women fighting and yes-but anyway sansa is going ham over this loyalty thing-honestly taking sansa's side on this one-I figured the jonsa conflict was going to be really contrived and dumb, but this actually makes a lot of sense given both their pasts and styles-the next scene with jon and sansa arguing is great too-sansa calling out jon for being like joffrey is my aesthetic-doesnt make sense but idk how to use that phrase so whatevs-hello cersei-what a power play to paint your war map on the floor-jaime just seems so confused and poor and i feel so bad for him-"a dynasty for us then" you are insane i'm done with this i'm done with you-down with cersei-hey look euron built a fuckton of ships-euron is wearing like leather to his audience with the queen-the actor's posture during this scene is mmph really seals the mood-euron's dialogue is also really bomb-i cant forget how they messed up the kingsmoot but this euron is actually charismatic and crazy and good-also a thousand ships and two good hands is the most fire thing-but cersei denies him for now, good, make him work for it-hi sam-listen 12 days on the trail my humor may have been simplified, but this gagging montage was the funniest fucking thing-so dumb but so good-weighing livers is one hell of a life-oh hey maester man believes sam thats good-oh but still won't let him in what come on-sam aint taking that lets go my man-restricted modddeee yeah-scene break iirc to brienne kicking pod's butt around the courtyard-omfg tormund yes-sansa wrecking petyr for a bit-yeah take a walk buddy-brienne asking what's up, come on sansa just share a little-oh hey its arya-someone's singing-is that ed fucking sheeran-"Arya better kill ed sheeran" thanks hun for your commentary-not gonna lie I also want to see ed sheeran die a painful death-arya making the decision to hang is like mega important but all I can think about is arya gutting ed sheeran-this is a cool scene and really focuses in on the human vs the assassin arya stark but all i see is ed sheeran-the scene ends without ed sheeran's head on a spike and my darling's sighs of disappointment-look the hound-look swearing-holy moley is there swearing-the hound coming to terms with the fact that hes back where he killed these people is very like sad-there's a parallelism here between arya and the hound's scenes that's very artistic-the hound and beric's convo is also incredibly interesting-yoooo the flames look into themm-eastwatch by the sea holy shitttt-lets talk for a moment about the hound digging a grave-bc my god my heart ugh-i'm gonna move on but also the trashtalking in this scene was incredibly entertaining-oh check it sam's back-bby sam and gilly in the back-idk why i'm haply just seeing them but i am-i'm glad they didnt like force gilly onto the streets i guess-dragonstone-writing to jon here we go we are watching the jonerys meeting forming rn-more sam-walking walking walking-holy fuck-minor heart attack-oh yo-jorah my man you in there-fuck i didnt even think about jorah coming to the citadel to help-op and here's dany-lots of silent walking-the set of dragonstone is pretty though-"Shall we begin?" "Hell yeah!" Again brilliant commentary from hunny bun over here-that made him v excited jsyk-good episode-only thing is i watched with a cinematography geek complaining about the shots so now thats all I'm seeing-so like, i was distracted by hiking and wasn't super hype-but now I am the most hype

Episode 2, Stormborn yes please. Fuck I'm so excited because in the preview Littlefinger was getting the shit choked out of him.

-ooh its a storm-varys is fucking old-bald oldie-oh okay we're turning on him now, i was just joking but okay-goodness gracious dany-varys fucking helped you and now you're going to get up in his face-yes he looked out for his own head, the fuck do you want from him?-alright here we go varys retort-unph yeah give it to her-loyal to the people, to the realm, that's the varys i know and love thank you-oh and now dany all changes her tune to try and be likable again-i'm not all dany hater the way a lot of diehard fans are, but her just assaulting varys made me sick-oh hello melisandre-here to crown another person azor ahai because your last one said no and the one before you murdered?-oh dany just has a part to play-i don't like melisandre just so we're all on the same page-hun is excited about dany being azor ahai but i just want to watch melisandre die-tyrion is excited about jon though-i'm excited too, let's get jon and tyrion back together-winterfelll-jon has received mail-let's discuss-i'm so glad two of the three people here like tyrion-more people should like tyrion-also i'm not a huge canon sanrion shipper but like i loved their relationship for what it was so hearing sansa talk about tyrion and how he was kind is nice-i could ramble for a while about meta stuff in regards to that but i won't-davos taking the letter, first reaction was bro you can't read-i'm sorry davos i didn't give you enough credit-you learned and i'm proud of you-anyway davos has a point, dragons seem effective against wights-hello cersei-oh hello randyll tarly-this is unexpected-interesting though-tarly testing the waters, also qyburn that's not an answer-jaime buttering up tarly and he just saying fuck it is great-this is a good scene but i don't have a lot of fun things to say so let's move on-WAIT I might have heard wrong but did jaime say that he didn't like cersei because wow that's big and shouldn't be glossed over-alright moving on to sam-jorah you are in rough shape bud-the maester seems to have determined you are dead, sorry bro-sam when jorah says his name ugh-sam just in general ugh-some of my friends hate sam and i'm just like how look at the precious cinnamon roll he just wants love and to read-anyway cersei is in the bowels of the deep-old skulls yep remember these-oh sick a massive crossbow-oh sick it penetrated a skull-though lbr, an old skull is not like a good measure of effectiveness considering the real dragon will have a 1. new skull and 2. armored scales?-but it's better than nothing-war meeting-not queen of the ashes that's right everyone let's repeat that cool thing i said earlier this episode-and olenna dragging the mood down-also FUCK off ellaria-no innocent lannisters shut up you trash person-sorry to any ellaria fans, but show ellaria is trash person-alright sieging KL with westerosi seems like a good idea in concept-and taking casterly is another good idea-alright good meeting, all dismissed-olenna/dany girl talk let's go-okay so like, i like this? i do-but also not listening to tyrion is the dumbest thing i've ever heard-be a dragon, but be a dragon who listens to tyrion-this is setting up something and i hope that this something is tyrion being right-hi grey worm-oh this is the romance scene i say as missandei comes in-i like grey worm and missandei and i like their relationship so this should be good-and it is good-all the way up until the approximately hour long sex scene with a eunuch-oh my god i wanted to die this was so longggggg-finally it's over and i can breathe and enjoy television and also not wish i was dead again-sam trying to convince the maester that they need to save jorah is good-but his oh when maester tells him that the guy died of gray scale is phenomenal-oh but fuck listening to that huh sam?-sam this is dumb but i'm all aboard-okay nevermind i'm out this is gross this is bad-aggghhhh-alright so the scene change here made darling and i both shout in pain before realizing our mistake-followed by sighs of relief-oh it's arya!-OMFG IT'S HOT PIE-squealing honey thinks i'm being stupid-it's just yes arya interacting with a person who likes and cares for her again-it's been so long let me bask in this-arya is being all hesitant and i just want her to like open up-but she won't-just eats his pies and drinks his ale-okay also her line about how she's been baking pies easily best joke in the episode-anyway hot pie does a great job as lowkey exposition to everyone who passes by his inn-"dunno how i thought you were a boy you're pretty" lmfao thanks hot pie?-"I'm like you Arry, a survivor" HOT PIE WHY MY HEART- hot pie wins my heart this episode-the decision to not go down the road to KL, and instead go to Winterfell, again humanizing Arya there's so much meta shit going on here that i love and is good-oh and we're in winterfell-jon has mail v 2.0-and we're at council-okay jon okay-okay wtf jon no don't do this-literally everyone telling jon no don't do this-including his most loyal supporters aka lyanna the beast mormont-and jon just lol how about i do anywayyyy-oh but giving power to sansa is sweet and is good character moment and stuff-and crypt time-hi petyr-hi petyr being a douchebag about ned-like shut the fuck up i'm sad he's dead you betrayed him you bastard!-oh and "i'm not your enemy" you are the enemy of everyone including yourself-thank you jon for standing up and choking the shit out of petyr-it's been a while since he's had a near death experience, it's good to keep those coming-and jon rides away-littlefinger does some creepy looking-maybe arya will kill him, arya's not afraid to do shit like that-speaking of-arya's horse being skittish-is this what i think it is-oh it is there are wolves-and a GIANT ONE-nymeriaaaaa-nymeria pls-nymeria noooo-"That's not her" wait what-i don't entirely know what happened here but arya and wolf plots are what i want-well that and arya and gendry but duh-anyway it's sand snakes-are we killing sand snakes because i'm all for that-ellaria flirting with asha cool-there was a shot with theon in the foreground and he looks so like upset and i laughed so hard-ellaria fucking with theon still not cool-another point in the ellaria as trash person column, mean to innocent dickless man-and there's fire-i didn't expect the ship battle to be episode 2 but okay let's go-alright let's go-euron with a massive fucking axe goodness-there's a lot of blood here and a lot of killing but let's do the highlights-theon not wielding a bow is sad but i'll live-like he's an expert sharpshooter and that was established in the show come on-i expect too much at this point-tyene(? what are their names even) does a crotch shot-euron murders the shit out of two sand snakes-should i be sad? because i'm very much not-those two killed innocent fucking trystane no mercy-tyene(?) and ellaria are captured which is again, great in my book-there's a shot of asha watching her fleet burn which is good and sad-followed promptly by her getting captured by euron-and theon's still here-and theon come on let's go-theon don't lose it now buddy we're so close-and he's gone-fuck-fucking hell i'm so angry-the ship rides away, euron victorious-i was also victorious given the two sand snake corpses hanging off the bow-until the show said fuck you riku we're going to destroy your hopes by making theon a bitch-godsssss-good episode though-i'm upset but it was good

I literally had to read Riku's recap before writing this and it was a bad idea b/c now I feel like I don't have my own thoughts am just giggling.

I need to watch again just to be sure i got everything. But major highlights - Dany's fucking council chamber full of bad ass women. Even if show Ellaria is not my fave just like - Asha, Ellaria, Olenna, fuck is that a small council I want. Feminist af up in here.

Dany and Olenna are <3 and olenna talking about Margaery being the best queen ever made me so sad and angry again.

Sam's face when he heard Joarah's name was just the best. ALSO MAESTER DUDE IS SLUGHORN FROM HARRY POTTER and that is the best, i cannot hear his voice and not think that.

Tyrion talking about liking Jon is also super cute, and Arya going north when she finds out Jon is King is just <3 Sansa is so not my fave but sister reunion when they legit haven't seen each other since Ned died is gonna be so great. AND NYMERIA. omg. just. my heart. I cannot with this episode.

Also theon is a little bitch, which surprises no one but Riku. I hate him. But at least Asha and Ellaria were taken alive. And to whichever sand snake who said Ellaria isn't her mama - fuck you. I hope you are one of the ones who died.

I feel like there were more things at the beginning that I needed to gush about but they are lost and I need to watch again.

this episode should really be called "fuck timelines, fuck geography, fuck logic and fuck consistency, except for theon being a pussy and samwell tarly continuing to misunderstand the definition of "forbidden.""

high level notes:

-GOT needs to focus more on the story and less on the cinematics and whatever. Cases in point: stop with the fucking sound montages of sam doing things (looking at u pus oozing scene shifting to melted cheese in someones mouth), the COMPLETE NONSENSE of Euron just hovering in the vicinity of dragonstone instead of securing it before dany's arrival simply to show the "ooooooh aesthetic of dany peacefully ariving in dragonstone"dumbness.... etc.

-dany's going mad straight up and shes really fucking annoying to watch-when did emilia clark get like a fucking voice transplant/dany get a personality transplant where the fuck is the consistency and buildup like ?????

-ellaria shut the fuck up and go home to that place you ruined

-olenna you daughter was queen for like two weeks, idt thats really saying that much about how great she is

-asha why are you just watching your fleet burn, do something-asha what the fuck why would you JUMP down and not take the stairs conveniently to your right like clearly this puts you at a broken leg disadvantage

-euron i'd still fuck you

-WHY GAME OF THRONES DO YOU HAVE TO BE CLICHE AS FUCK and have the fucking sand snake stick him in the balls like have her do something actually cool not the 90s shitty version of ~*~ basass woman~*~ because you know it doesnt look cool anymore

-also re: sand snakes, i think it was obara who said the thing about ellaria and she literally isn't her mother so i think that was literal

-dude choking girl with her own whip was pretty badass though

-thoughts on theon: pussy move but better than everyone dying, theon's probably the only one not captured/living to tell the tale but all the same like where tf are you going to go youre gimpy af in the middle of the ocean and have like half your digits, gl swimming buddy

-nymeria giving the big "fuck you you threw a rock at me and abandoned me" to arya was my fucking favorite part

-also arya has also has a personality transplant and its really fucking weird and dumb, WHERE IS THE CONSISTENCY

i think thats all but i REALLY hated this episode it was so badly done, the CGI was TERRIBLE and the plots were shitty and poorly thought out and even more poorly executed. 2/10 rating on this one, bleh.

They wasted sooooo much time on Grey Worm and Mellisendei. They are the bane of my existence. My time feels wasted after every ship scene. I feel like David and Dan have a hard on for them that no one else does.

Okay- the mama comment was more ellaria muse Bc surrogate mother. Obvs I know she isn't technically. Lol. That said I do really hate show ellaria.

I have mixed feelings about grey worm and missandei. In the beginning I liked the romance aspect of it because it was kind of like asexual visibility (though Varys is arguably much more so given he is a true ace not just engaging in forced celibacy). But I do think that scene was way too long and unnecessary. Him saying she was his fear/weakness was cute but why do you have to sexualize it? Takes away from the potential for ace visibility.

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