Days like today...

Monday, April 06, 2009

I've reached my breaking point. Were you wondering how long it would take?? Maybe it was the 800th ridiculous, waste-of-time-to-prepare-for presentation I had to give this morning, or the ridiculous amount of content on the test I took today that I spent a ridiculous amount of time studying for but still wouldn't have been prepared for if I had another week, or maybe it was when I slammed my finger between two chairs today and it hurt so bad that I literally almost passed out (literally), maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was just my body was shutting down because man cannot live on coffee alone... But today sent me over the ledge... Today I feel like complaining, instead of being grateful.

I am so, so, so tired of being a student today. SO TIRED. I'm tired of the four hours of sleep, a laptop being strapped to my thighs, the lack of ability to truly enjoy any personal time (I hesitate to use the term "personal time" because can you really call the 5 minutes I spend brushing my teeth personal time?) because I'm constantly thinking about everything else I need to be doing. I've reached my threshold of knowledge on effective research (an academic form of googling), useless projects and classes for which I'm paying thousands of dollars for a semester, hours and hours of education in subject areas I know I will never use. I'm tired of wounds, heart attacks, and high cholesterol. I'm tired of working my butt off with no obvious reward, no paycheck, and an end that feels like it's moving farther away the closer I get. I told Tyler a few months ago, "No offense babe, but I'm pretty sure the day I graduate will be the happiest day of my life." I was only joking, but now I'm reconsidering.

I'm tired of having to personally seek out affirmation in my career choices because I sit in class and think, "WHY AM I HERE??" I will admit, nothing compares to last year, but at least last year I felt like my education had a purpose... I remember Tyler picking me up from the hospital at 11 o'clock at night, he on his way home from work, me having spent several dark and creepy hours on my cadaver disections, and both of us being SO tired, eating McDonald's drive-thru for dinner, and not having had a real conversation in weeks. But it was okay because I understood what I was working toward... It was worth it. I was proud of myself for what I was accomplishing. Dare I say I miss that fatigue-ridden sense of accomplishment??

I feel like I keep waiting and waiting for "my" part to start. We had a tutorial case last week on peds (finally!!) and I. LOVED. It. I was motivated to work and learn and research. ONE peds case and other students were complaining because they just didn't get it and won't be working with kids... They didn't understand how to apply what we know to kids. But I loved it. I loved the creativity of having to figure out how to turn a physical examination into a game, how to meet the goals we write in a creative way.

S0, sorry...I've been a crappy blogger lately and this is a crappy, whine-y blog. But I had to complain today... Tomorrow, I'll be back to my perky, NEVER complaining self (ha), I'll be inspired again, the end will be in sight, and hopefully I'll have something funny to write about. One thing is for sure, Easter break this week couldn't come sooner. Dear Lord, just get me to April 29... This dagum semester will be over.

For the rest of the night, you can find me singing Wilson Phillips' "Hooooold On....."