I Have To Decide, Once and For All

I wanted to be up and out of here by now and I am still laying in bed. I have so much I need to do before work and now not sure it will get done.

My body hurts all over, my upper back in my shoulder blades and all around, my neck and my legs. My calves feel like the mussels are being twisted and pulled. My shoulders feel bruised and so sore to the touch. Almost like they are on fire they burn. They have been this way for a while and seem to be getting worse not better.

This is one of those times I wish I had a decent man. That would just pull me close massage me until it all went away. When I was with my friend the other night I was massaging his back, he was sore from working on the truck. I should of told him and ask him to do mine but I didn’t. He had already done so much for me, I wasn’t going to ask him to do that too.

I know a lot of it is from work and all the lefting and moving stuff. Most isn’t big stuff it is just doing it over and over all the time. Think by now I be use to it but there are other things as well bothering it. Like the lifting the hood of the truck over my head and holding it. Its pretty heviey and won’t stay up on it’s own. Pulling myself up and holding myself up there to check the water. The leaning and reaching to keep a check on all the fluids with everything going on. The motor is right at my neck so I have to reach up and over everything to do anything. A big part of it is stress as well, dealing with everything, trying to figureout how to get everything done and taken care of.

If I had a guy it would take care of most all of that or at least help with it. He would take care of checking the truck and making sure everything was alright. He help get things done and taken care of around the house, like the yard that is up to my knees because I don’t have money to take care of it. He just be there as someone who cares and who is in it with me. I wouldn’t feel as if no one cares or what.

As bad as I want someone and how nice it would be, the closer I get to maybe that happening or the more real it gets the more I feel myself pulling away. It is a struggle with in, it feels good to think that hey maybe this is going to happen and I won’t be alone and I will have someone who cares and treats me right. Then something says why ruin it? Why mess with things? Do we really have to get with anyone? Maybe it is better to stay single. Then no one gets hurt. You won’t get hurt because nothing can happen to hurt you. The others don’t get hurt because your still there for them the same as you are now and everyone is okay with it. No kids are involved so they can’t get hurt in it all. Do we really need a relationship?

The other half is saying yes go for it. We need to feel loved, like someone cares, the security of having someone who is on your side wants to see you do better and pushies us. We need to feel like someone is there for us not just like we are there for ever one else and no one is for use.

I do I want it and am so scared at the sametime. I keep hearing whats going to be different this time then any other time? But I know it can be I know there is a lot that is different with either one from the ones I have been with in the past. A lot is different with me since my past but I am still scared. I keep thinking just forget these two and see what comes along. But why if I like them and I have this much time into them building the friendship and relationships that we do have so far. I think maybe by the time I get that far with someone else I will be more ready. But I know that isn’t true either. I don’t think I am going to find that anywhere else. Find what I been looking for like I have is few and far between. Then I think maybe I have made it all into more than what it is but the one has out right said it three times, I like to make you mine, think about it. The other I know is interested just kind of in the same boat as me scared. And confused with his ex and what happen what she keeps doing. I feel now he needs to get that taken care of once and for all before I would be comfortable being with him if he wanted to give it a try.

I just don’t know. I think I am just going to take some time away from them both and see what happens. When I think that and say it, something inside screams no don’t deal with it decide something and talk to them both now. Don’t put it off and not deal with it and forget about it like you do everything when you get overwhelmed or scared. It is your flight or fright kicking in. You can’t avoid it. It isn’t going to go away. Your going to have to face it if you keep talking to them. Your going to ruin friendships if you stop. Just do it and get it over with. Go from there, take the advice you give everyone else. I know, i know I have to. It is just so hard when I can’t nail the other down and really get to talk to him and now knowing what I do about him. I keep thinking just forget him go with the other. But I still feel this push that no matter what I need to talk to him first even if I do go with the other. Maybe I will take the next few days to put a plan together and go from there.