Kate Moss left her top just a little too loose the other day and her nipple decided to say hello. I must say, these sexy photos of her boobs are fantastic. We knew about her hot bikini body, now we get to see it! I think you'll agree that she is very well put together in the chest and thankfully for us she didn't wear a bra.

I Still Hate Pennies, But I Hate Them A Little Less Now.

When your car is illegally towed, and you're forced to pay the $88 fee to get it back what do you do? That's right, you get your hands on 8,800 pennies. Like Radio Raheem says, fight the power. Now the smart thing for that girl to do would be to gladly accept the pennies from this douchebag, but not release the car until she's done counting all the unrolled pennies. By hand. You know, twice to make sure.

Oh, from Monday's Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, William Shatner re-interprets Sarah Palin's farewell speech as a finger-snapping Beatnik-style poem. I said it before and I'll say it again; that bitch is crazy. Yeah daddy-o, it all makes perfect sense now. Alaska. Alaska.

Well, I finally found a reason to buy an iPhone. Here's a behind the scenes look at the iWakeupGirls iPhone application, featuring eleven sexy girls filmed in high definition, performing viral video e-cards and alarm clock messages.

Smoking weed with his midget friend... dating the dirtiest of dirty girls... get the lowdown as Jay Grove guest hosts for Mike and Vanessa.

You might find this hard to swallow, but every day you are bombarded with commercials for things you have to buy to avoid ending up bitter and alone in a pile of your own, reeking filth. You trust these products, because they are state of the art and one of a kind, and because you are an idiot. Or at least, that's what the advertisers think. It turns out a lot of these amazing, cutting edge products are really bullshit. Not just bullshit, but bullshit you could make on your own, for next to no cost.

You know one show that I used to really get into, but now turned repetitious and boring? Denis Leary's Rescue Me. In the first season they had this chick Laura played by Diane Farr, and in the tenth episode she had the line, "I know you guys are talkin' about my tits and my ass. Just in case you are wondering, I'm a 34-C cup, my nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top-hats when aroused. My ass is tight as a snare drum but still soft to the touch. Any more questions?" There's nothing edgy like that anymore. There's never anything unexpected. Now it's all Denis Leary bouncing back and forth between his ex-wife and his couson's widow, when in reality he needs to get back to what made him famous to begin with - smokin and drinkin.

That's It NFL. I'm Done.

I will never watch the NFL again. You're a greedy pussy, Roger Goodell. Your 'conditional' reinstatement is only a politically correct way to ease into a full reinstatement without the public backlash and a cheap stunt to sell a few more tickets. We all know Tony Dungy shits ice cream, and with him in Vick's corner a full reinstatement is only a matter of formality. And you're right Roger, we are, "dealing with a young man's life." and I don't give a flying fuck how many press conferences he holds. Let him go out and get a fucking job with that four year degree he earned from Virginia Tech. Oh wait, that's right, Vick walked away from his full scholarship after his sophomore year, so that he could get paid big bucks by the NFL. So I'm sorry but, knowing my feelings on black people vs niggers, I choose my words very carefully: just because this nigger can throw a football doesn't mean we should sweep the past aside and start handing him millions of dollars again. And before anyone even fucking asks: he's out of fucking jail, that's enough forgiveness. Let him flip burgers or pump gas like the rest of the college dropouts with felony records. Michael Vick, I can only pray that some defensive lineman will give you a career ending cheap shot that shatters your knee into a thousand pieces.

You know, there was a time when I used to think that baseball was the most crooked, money grubbing sport, but my eyes are open now. So that's it NFL, I'm done. I'm washing away the stink of your greed. Which means I can also finally say a big FUCK YOU to Al Davis, who hasn't made a worthwhile draft pick since Janikowski in 2000. Thanks for crushing my soul year after year, you old senile liver-spotted freak. Kiss my ass. If I had your phpne number, I'd give it to Dmitry. You're fucking dead to me.

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Great. Now I've went and fucking pissed myself off for the rest of the day. Thankfully I read that Heroes star Ali Larter had a revealing moment as she strolled around Beverley Hills. The blonde was wearing a plunging pink dress that was a bit too short on her, and the second he bent over to get some change out of her purse, out popped the booty.

Ernie, I know you like to keep track of these things…I just heard in the last day or two, that a young soldier (young to me, anyway) who died in Afghanistan will receive the Medal of Honor sometime in September – there does not seem to be much specific info out there right now – but I did see his name is Jared Monti and he hails from Raynham, Massachusetts. Put the radar up – I am sure there will be more official info in the coming weeks… Be well. Dan [video]

Yeah, So I Took The Weekend Off.

But not on purpose. I mean I had planned on Saturday morning's weekend post to be late, but not skipped. You see about once a month or so, I go out on motorcycle rides with a bunch of folks from the local Victory dealership in Estero. Usually this happens on Sundays, but since we were headed up to Sarasota for some Turducken and the Alpine Steakouse isn't open on Sundays, we had to make it a Saturday trip. Typically the rides run about 250-300 miles and I'm back home by 4pm or so, which is when I planned on doing the update. So, here's how things went sideways.

For starters, the guys at Victory lane are terrific when it comes to demo rides, and since I've had my eyes on this 2007 Victory Hammer S for some time now, their service manager Gary asked me if I wanted to take it on this run instead of my V-Star. And certainly no disrespect to Yamaha, but this question is like asking, "Hey would you like to titty-fuck Jessica Biel?" This particular Hammer has been upgraded with an S&S air intake and Santa Rosa exhaust so not only does it sound fucking awesome, it's up to around 100hp to the rear wheel. So what this meant logistically is that even though we were all headed north from Estero -- past my house -- and on to Sarasota, where I would normally just peel off the from the group on the return trip and head home, I had to go all the way back down to Estero to drop off the Hammer and pick my my V-Star. That alone tacked on another hour to my ride.

And then, factor in the rain. Oh, did I mention that I avoid the rain like the plague and in all honest have never ridden in it before? So of course as I'm on a bike that's (a) not mine (b) has a 250mm wide rear tire (more susceptible to hydroplaning than a narrower tire) and (b) the Hammer has like a bazillion times more power than I'm used to... yeah I was shitting little green apples every second I was in the rain. And it motherfucking downpoured. So as we were coming back through Port Charlotte, the pack stopped off at a little bar called Gatorz and just parked the bikes to let the weather pass. And we waited. And waited. And waited. For like two and a half fucking hours. Do you know how fucking hard it is to hang around a bar for two and a half hours and *not* drink? It's really fucking tough, let me assure you. But I've got a hard and fast rule of no beer shall pass these lips while I'm on two wheels. Multiply that a bazillion times by the rain on an unfamiliar bike and you get a pretty pretty sore ass from sitting on a bar stoool with nothing to show for it.

Eventually the downpour slows to just a drizzle with no end in sight. Someone makes the very wise observation that they're rather ride in daylight rain than night time rain so we all decided to go for it. Don't worry -- I had my raingear all packed in my saddlebags -- which were on my V-Star parked back at the dealership some sixty miles away. Since the Hammer doesn't have a windshield, I was eternally thankful that I decided to bring my full faced helmet, because teeny tiny raindrops at 60mph feel like bee stings. And they hurt no matter no many tattoos you have.

An hour an twenty minutes later we're one light from the dealership, stopped at a red light. I'm thinking to myself, "Cool, I made it all this way in the rain and didn't have any problems. Wow." And then the light turns green, and my wet hand slips off the clutch and while normally this would stall a bike, the Hammer's grunt on wet pavement just begins to slide the ass end sideways like a dragster trying to warm up his tires. I don't think you could have gotten a pin up my ass with a jackhammer at that point, but I was able to bring it back under control just by grabbing the clutch and letting it wase down. It was a nice, "hey don't count your chickens before they've hatched," moment. A few minutes later we make it back to the dealership where I thank Gary for the use of the Hammer, and bid a hasty retreat since it's still drizzling out and there's another guy in our group from Cape Coral headed back the way I am, giving me a riding buddy. And when I get back on my V-Star it feels... well, it feels almost child like in comparison to the Hammer. I twist the throttle and well, it goes, but it goesn't go, ya know what I mean? Anyway, back home at 8:30pm meant for a solid twelve hours of riding, and my fucking nerves were shot. Several drinks later I called it a fairly early night and Sunday, well you know me... God says Sunday is the day of rest.

As for the Hammer? I only have one word: Fucking Wow. You want to talk power? Holy shit. It's got no problem going, let me tell you that. The wider rear tire took some getting used to, it required a little more muscle to turn and I felt the ass end wanted to track and follow the grooves in the pavement more than a narrower tire. But when crossing a steel decked bridge -- normally a pucker moment -- it was as steady as my truck. It would definitely take some practice because they're notoriously unwilling to turn. I of course did a lot of research on the bike after I got back and this one article summed it up pretty well, "you don't get used to the handling, you get used to being scared." But I've got to be honest. Riding that bike was almost as much fun as beating off. Almost.

Hi Ernie- I wanted to give you a heads up on the brand new movie trailer for "The Goods". Paramount has given Funny or Die exclusive rights to play it, and we wanted to share it with you. Take a look. If you would like to, please feel free to share it with your fans and readers by embedding/posting it to your site! We'd love to have your fans enjoy it as well. Thank you, -- Steve at Funny or Die

I know you dig Bruce Campbell and therefore enjoy Burn Notice. J.D. is a Massachusetts boy and a life long fan of the Sox! Dan.

Ha! it looks like oll Jeffrey is also a life long fan of beer! But alas, I can attest that things can get pretty out of control in Miami, so I'll give him a pass this time. Just so long as his actions don't result in Burn Notice being cancelled, then I'd have to kill him for Bruce's sake.

Like God and The Edge, I Move In Mysterious Ways.

Well I decided to take a small detour on my upcoming vacation, and swing on through Rhode Island to just the sites. Hey don't laugh, I'm sure they're just trying to work their way through high school.

A few people have asked me why I inist on driving my 1,400 mile journey instead of flying, which is inherently safer and faster. Well in all honesty, it hinges around the dogs. Sometimes the airlines have a tough enough time keeping their human passengers happy, let alone an animal in the cargo hold. If something were to happen to my beloved pooches because I wanted to save some time by flying instead of driving, I'd forever curse myself. it's all about karma baby, karma. So eh, I trade a little inconvience for peace of mine. It's a fair trade I think. (Thanks, Scott.)

Hey Ernie, I just wanted to point out to some of the folks who may not be aware. Even though some ladies look hot when they wear stars and stripes, it is improper and disrespectful and a violation of the U.S. Code. Here are two links for your readers [one] [two] Thanks, Dan

What the link Dan is referring to is this one I posted around the Fourth of July. And while Dan speaks the truth and I have nothing but the utmost in respect for our Flag, I have to admit that the never-wear-a-flag idea is
something that I just can't blindly embrace. I have an American Flag bandana that I wear when I'm riding and after a few hours in the hot sun, it's soaked in sweat. Am I being a disrespectful butt-horn? I'd like to think not. What about these pictures of an old woman wrapped in a flag? I'd have a hard time saying that she was being disrespectful, even if the US Code said she was. And don't even get me started on flag bikinis. But as the rules were created to make sure the American Flag didn't find its way into the soles of our shoes, or toilet paper or skid marked American flag underwear, let's stretch your tolerance a little bit. How about a Muslim woman wearing the American flag as a hijab? Or an illegal immigrant wrapping himself in the American flag during an immigration rally? And take a closer look at that second photo for a second and try to imagine if the Flag being upside down was the unintentional byproduct of flipping it over his shoulders or as a sign of protest? On the contrary, are those not two acts that actually pay great homage to our Flag, more so that any big titted blonde could ever hope to accomplish? Is it less treasonous than this? Think about it. And along those lines, O and "acting stupidly"? Bad call. MYOB.

Terrible. This Is Just Terrible News.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. This week the world has lost two of it's brightest stars. I would like to have a moment of silence for Simona Halep's breasts. The 17-year-old player, who has become an online pin-up, said her 34FF boobs were holding her tennis career back and went under the knife to reduce her curves to a more manageable 34C. I know we're all hurting inside and I can assure you that you're not alone. It's okay to cry. I am. So please. A moment of silence.

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Okay, let's talk about guns. We'll start off with various suggestions people floated to me to address my New-York-Is-A-Communist-State-And-Won't-Allow-Me-To-Bring-My-Handgun-With-Me-On-Vacation problem. The first and most obvious solution would be to fuck em: bring my gun anyway. Dismantle it before the state line, lock it up in a firebox like I had planned, and then lock that firebox in the trunk. Then just don't drive like an asshole, and there shouldn't be any problem. Well, yes that's true, but I'm still committing a crime and I'm an avid believer in Murphy's Law. For those of you who've been hanging around long enough to remember when I first posted my, "how to get out of a speeding ticket," article, you'll remember that my one loss was to the state of New York back in, oh, I dunno, 1993 or so. Yeah, that ticket is still kinda "unpaid". So Murphy's law would dictate that this would be the one time since 1993 that I get pulled over in New York State, the ticket would somehow follow me, my car would somehow be searched and I would somehow end up getting aassed around Sing-Sing like a pack of Marboros. Besides, breaking the law and just keeping quiet about it really isn't a solution to my problem, now is it?

Second suggestion: rent a safety deposit box at a bank in Erie, Pennsylvania which is just before the PA/NY border, and leave the gun there for the two weeks. An excellent idea! So good in fact, that I did a Google search and found a bank that was literally -- 15 seconds -- from an I-90 exit. I called said bank and explained my situation, and they were very happy to help! The very nice woman took all my information and called me back five minutes later with all the information I would need to rent a safety deposit box. The catch is, since she asked and I told her what would be going in the box -- a handgun -- they can't rent it to me. Believe it or not -- storing cash or a handgun in a safety deposit box is against the law (Federal or State, she didn't know). She apologized profusely for accidentally tripping me up, and her suggestion was to try another bank and if they ask me what I was putting in the box, tell them to mind their own business. Like she said, she's sure hundreds of people have cash in safety deposit boxes too, but since they don't know about it, no harm no foul. So renting a safety deposit box sounds good at first, let's be honest trading one felony for another really isn't what I'm looking for, either.

Third suggestion is to find a pawn shop in PA and literally pawn my gun for two weeks. While this method is used quite often for people heading out to sea, or crossing over into Canada, I'm shooting this one down because I'm sure a guy with a Florida gun license trying to buy a used gun in Pennsylvania is surely going to lead to some interesting roadblocks. I'm just not comfortable with this idea.

My fourth option died on the Senate floor yesterday afternoon, when Senator Thune's mandatory state recoprocity bill failed by two votes. Yeah I know, guns are always going to carry a high profile in the media and in politics. Now I'm sure everyone first guess is that I'm all for this bill which would force all states with concealed carry laws to acknowledge the concealed carry permits of other states, essentially forced recoprocity. This would of course make my FL permit valid in NY, and thus NY could kiss my balls. And as convenient as that would be for me... I have to be honest... I think it was a poorly written piece of legislation. Yeah I know, I just threw up in my mouth, too. But here's why. The Thune bill, as written, would make the lowest common denominator the defacto standard for all the other states. Take for example Vermont, where you only have to be 16 fucking years old to carry a concealed handgun. Listen, I'm all for people packing heat, but handguns aren't for kids and yes, 16 year olds are still kids. Hell, there's even some adults are are fucking morons around guns. If the Thune bill set some sort of minimum standard in regards to age, mental & criminal checks, and a required safety course, then I'd be all for it. But as is, I think it's the NRA's equivilent to USC 2257 -- it's heart is in the right place but how it goes about accomplishing its task is flawed.

My fifth option -- the sixth being to just leave my fucking gun at home but that's not the point -- is to leave my handgun with someone in Pennsylvania as close to the NY border as possible. So it looks like that's the route I'm going to have to go!

Ernie, I couldn't agree more with what you said about not having a pet pass in the arms of a stranger. I am not trying to sound like a pussy but I felt for you when you described the trip to the vet. Last year I took my beagle that I had for 15 years to the Vet after some sudden weight loss and loss of energy. It felt like I was punched in the stomach when the vet gave his diagnosis as lymphoma and that it was terminal. If that wasn't bad enough, he told me that there was not much time left for him. I spent the next week spoiling him like there was no tomorrow until the day I came home and saw that he was going downhill fast. I picked him up and made the trip to the vet that I always knew would come. The vet concurred that it was time, so I held him in my arms as the vet got him ready. Like you said, it was literally seconds and he was gone. In spite of the fact I cried like a baby, I would not have done it any other way. I enclosed a pic of Rebel that I took the last week I had him, after taking him for one of his last car rides. To me it sure seems that he enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing your story and keep up the great site... Bill

Union of Soviet Socialist New York, Pert Deux

Needless to say my gun rights vs New York post yesterday generated a lot of feedback and various suggestions -- some legal and some not so legal. I'm going to spoend the rest of today going through them all and post the juicy ones in tomorrow's update. And for those of you who offered to let me store my gun at your place just near the NY/PA border, I just may take one of you up on that offer!

Australian motocross rider Cameron Sinclair holds the world record for the longest ramp to ramp backflip at 129 feet 7 inches. Over the weekend at a Red Bull X-Fighters event in Madrid, Sinclair was seriously injured while attempting to perform a double backflip. He under-rotated which caused him to miss the landing and hit the ramp as he descended. He was rushed to a hospital in critical condition, suffering severe internal bleeding from a lacerated liver, a bruised brain, a broken shoulder blade, broken cheek bone, and broken shoulder cup. Medical personnel put Cam into an induced coma and rushed him into surgery to repair his liver. You can read about his progress here. Ouch.

Erin Andrews. Ernie, NO - I am not asking for it!! NO - I don‘t have it!!! And yes – someone already attached a virus to red herrings on the web…ah life in the internet age… Have you been blasted with “Where is it?” or “Here it is” already? Right or wrong – Ernie is the go-to man! (I guess the big question is the criminality – accessory after the fact…blah blah blah…) …good luck with incoming! Dan

Erin Andrews and ESPN is suing the everliving shit out of anyone who posts that video. So you're right, Dan, ain't no way in hell I'm posting that it... but I know someone who did.

In film, the term 3-D (or 3D) is used to describe any visual presentation system that attempts to maintain or recreate moving images of the third dimension, the illusion of depth as seen by the viewer. The technique usually involves filming two images simultaneously, with two cameras positioned side by side, generally facing each other and filming at a 90 degree angle via mirrors, in perfect synchronization and with identical technical characteristics. When viewed in such a way that each eye sees its photographed counterpart, the viewer's visual cortex will interpret the pair of images as a single three-dimensional image. Modern computer technology also allows for the production of pseudo-3D films using CGI and without the need for dual cameras. The term "3-D computer gaming" refers to an altogether different technology and effect. Generally, 3-D movie fair about as well as Russian mail order brides. But the latest movie to try this gimmick is Final Destination IV which is actually a flick my neighbor-the-grip worked on. And no offense to him, but I think the only reason i didn't make the list of the worst 3-D movies ever, is because Krista Allen is in it and she has a very pretty pussy. I'm just sayin.

Union of Soviet Socialist New York.

Or as I call it, "Reason #284,015,501,749,865 to hate the State of New York."

See, here's the deal. Come August I'll be making my annual pilgrimage up to New York to get in some family time. So each year I load up a rented hatchback with my dogs and camping gear and make the 1,400 mile drive -- that new airline Pet Airways doesn't service Ft Myers or Rochester yet -- up the Eastern seaboard. The trip takes me from Florida through Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia (yeee haw), Pennsylvania, and finally into New York. Since it's a long drive taking me through some pretty back woods country (West Virginia, yee haw) and I'll be doing a good portion of it at night, I'd like to exercise my Second Amendment rights and bring one of my handguns with me. Now, as I am licensed to carry in Florida my permit is valid in several other states, known as reciprocity. So what I need to do is make sure my permit is honored in all of the states I'll be travelling through so I'm not breaking any laws. For example: Does Georgia honor my permit? Yes. South Carolina? Yes. North Carolina? Yes. Virginia? Duh, of course. West Virginia (yeee haw)? Yes. Pennsylvania? Yes. And finally into New York? That's a big fat fucking NO.

Okay, things might be different if they could chop off New York City/Long Island and give it to New Jersey, but until that happens New York is going to remain a gun-unfriendly state. Remember that New York's archaic handgun laws have been in effect every since the mid 80's thanks to Mario Cuomo. I can accept that. So now I start looking what my responsibilities are under the Peaceable Journey Law. That's a Federal statute that says if you can legally carry your firearm where you're starting from and legally carry your firearm where you're heading to -- then you can legally carry it through all the states in between, although you might have to unload/disassemble/secure it according to each state's requirements. Here's the catch: I don't fall under the peaceable journey law because I can't legally carry it at my final destination, which is the shithole known as New York State. And even if I were just driving through New York State -- let's say on my way to Massachusetts -- the way the New York laws are written they supercede the Federal law, and I can still be arrested and sent to the fucking gulag. Granted, I'd be able to fight it and eventually have the charges dismissed but that's after spending a few weeks in jail and spending thousands of dollars in legal fees.

Okay, says I. I'm a law abiding citizen, so I called up the New York State Troop E headquarters and explained my situation. What do I have to do to my handgun to make it legal for me to transport it into New York for a couple of weeks? Disassemble it? Trigger lock the remaining disassembled pieces? Store the ammunition separately from the disassembled pieces? Keep the locked and disassembled pieces in one locked box and the ammunition in another locked box? What? Answer: No dice. I can't even bring my handgun into New York state if it's unloaded, disassembled, separated, and locked up. Huh. Okay says I, how about once I cross into New York I drive to the nearest State Police building and turn over my handgun to them to keep for a few weeks? Nope, can't do that either.. Two reasons. First, I might run into an overzealous Trooper who decides to arrest me on the spot since I technically crossed into New York with "an illegal handgun". And second if I do turn in my gun, chances are I'll never get it back: I'd have to have the local Chief of Police here in Cape Coral write a letter to the New York State Police, assuring them that I'm a citizen in good standing and request they ship my handgun to him. And NYS can deny that request, and either way I certainly wouldn't have the gun my possession for my return drive of 1,400 miles back to Florida. The Trooper was sympathetic to my situation, but still cautioned me: cross the state line and happen to get stopped? Boom, felony. And that puts my existing permit in jeopardy, risking my right to carry back here in Florida.

Okay, says I. I'm a law abiding citizen, so I called up the Pennsylvania State Troop Headquarters and explained my situation. Since they're located a scant half an hour from the New York State border, I ask if it would be possible for me to stop there on my way through and surrender the handgun to them to lock up, and then pick it up two weeks later when I'm headed back to Florida. Answer: No. Because anytime they take possession of a firearm -- voluntarily or not -- there's a certain procedure they have to follow: ballistics tests, trace tests, checking with ATF, etc... the same procedures they go through if a gun is found on the side of the road. And there are no exceptions. His advice, was if I have any friends/family in Pennsylvania, to leave the gun with them.

As I've made clear before, I'm an avid supporter of the Second Amendment and my Constitutional right to bear arms -- true, I'm not too keen on assault rifles but that's a practicality thing -- but I truly believe that all law abiding citizens have the right to arm and defend themselves. I also strongly believe in the rights of each states to govern themselves; if one state wants to allow me to carry my handgun out in public and another one doesn't, that's okay with me. But I can't understand how one state's rights can supercede Federal law or my Constitutional right to bear arms. Especially when the geography of New York State effectively isolates all of New England from the other states. Listen, I'm a law abiding citizen, so why am I being treated like a criminal? There is absolutely no reason why I should not be allowed to store an unloaded, disassembled, separated, and locked up handgun -- essentially just some fancy paperweights -- for a few weeks while visiting friends and family. It's bullshit. So that's it, that's my story. New York sucks cock.

When you work on the railroad, you probably know that something terrible can happen. Maybe you'll break a bone, or lose a limb. Or maybe you'll lose the entire lower half of your freaking body. That's what happened to Truman Duncan, who, after falling off of a moving train, was dragged underneath the wheels. They severed his body in half at the waist, incredibly leaving him alive and conscious to hear the machinery grinding his body in two as he was dragged 75 feet. Truman decided that screaming like a little girl was neither manly nor helpful and instead pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 from right there under the train. Then, because it took rescuers 45 minutes to get him out from under the train, he placed a few calls to his family as well. Today, Truman is back at work at a desk job. He says he can still do the things he did before the accident like swimming, playing with his kids and screaming, "Fuck you!" at every train he passes.

Hey Ernie, Surfing the porn one morning before work I got a pop up that I thought was pretty ironic! Hope you can use it sometime. Love the site! Thanks, Ben

Today unleashes a new game challenge, and guess what? You get to blow shit up. No, not like space ships blow shit up, I mean demolition with dynamite blow shit up. Demolish the buildings so no rubble remains above the set line. Use the mouse to place the sticks of dynamite on the beams. You can only place one stick of dynamite per beam and only on the concrete ones. Some levels require you to make sure no rubble hits an adjacent building. I completed all twenty levels and managed to make $252,397 -- now yes I know there's a walk through available, but if you follow that you'll most likely tie my score. Your challenge is to beat it by conserving dynamite!

Hey Ernie! Howzit goin eh? A forest fire started on Saturday in Kelowna, BC, Canada resulting in about 15,000 people being evacuated. Some houses and other structures got burned and things are a little tense right now. I saw this pic and thought you’d enjoy the irony…that’s burnt grass at the bottom and not black dirt in case you can’t see it. Cheers from the crispy north country… David.

Zacharius Knight "Zach" Galifianakis is a Greek-American comedian and actor, known for numerous film and television appearances including his own Comedy Central Presents special. He is well known for his unconventional stand-up style, that features the reading of one-liners while playing a piano during his performances.Galifianakis co-starred in the comedy The Hangover, released in June 2009. The film became an overnight Box office smash and is helping to raise Galifianakis's profile to more mainstream appeal. The Hangover 2 is already set to hit theatres in 2011.

Kevin Spacey is one of my favorite actors -- probably because he's short and fat like me -- and I didn't like him as Bobby Darin in Beyond the Sea but hey, who knew he did impressions? And I usually hate impressions. And guess what? I still do.

Forty years ago, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first humans to walk on the Moon. This was quite an achievement for mankind and a key milestone in world history. To commemorate this event the Command Module code (Comanche054) and Lunar Module code (Luminary099) have been transcribed from scanned images to run on yaAGC by the Virtual AGC and AGS project.

Ever come across a couple of things that aren't supposed to work together, you'd never think they'd work together, there's no way they could work together, but surprisingly they do? Yeah, me neither.

Ernie, love the site. About the story "South Fort Myers pastor ordered out of U.S.". I'm sure he's a good guy and his congregation love's him, but he has known about his immigration status for 11 years. He failed to show up for his asylum hearing (interpreter problem? For something this important, you keep the paperwork, and you make sure you know what it means). He's driving around without license or registration. It sounds like he's been given a chance, and totally NOT taken care of business. It sucks about the scam artist lawyer, but do you give up at that point? Only if you don't really want to stay. He still had a job, a wife, and a congregation, you gotta beg, borrow, or earn the money you need to hire another lawyer (check him out this time), and do what needs to be done. He didn't. I feel bad for the guy, but not that bad. Cheers, Tim

Ernie, I trained in journalism for several years, before branching into the tech side. From my experience, news reporters are only out to get a quick bite of a news story, worried about missing deadlines. As such, they very rarely research a story on all sides. Whenever you hear one of these “That’s Outrageous!” stories, 99% of the time there’s a back story that irons it out. I would throw out a challenge to any of your followers in that area to keep an eye on that deported pastor story... guaranteed there’s something that explains it. Thanks, Rick. Winnipeg, Manitoba

Ever since Tiger Woods missed the opening cut of the British Open, the media has been filled with rumors that his career is over. Now just for a second, set aside the he is/is not finish debate and ask yourself this: if you were Tiger Woods would you even both continuing to golf professionally? You've got like seven hundred bazillion dollars, you're going to make another seven hundred bazillion dollars in endorsements over the next decade, you've already had one knee surgery, and you've got a smokin hot wife and a new baby. So, what the fuck are you doing still wasting your time in competition? For fuck's sake, relax, man. Teach golf at the local pro shop like Chubbs. Go out and teach women how to drive golf carts. Go out and get a sportscasting job if you feel the need to stay in the professional circuit. Go on Dancing with the Stats. But fuck dude, you'll never have to work a day in your life. Shit, your next twenty generations of kids will never have to work a day in their lives either. So take it easy, please.

Ehy.. Ernie surfing trough your website, and then through one of your links when I found this. That's AWESOME!!! even GOD TAKES HIS MORNING SURF TROUGH EHOWA!!! Dude EHOWA it's my favorite website... just below CNN anyway. Guillermo. (Ernie says: Also from Brady)

Given that there's a walk through for Red Remover the onyl way to really challenge you is to count the Bonus Mode score, which as Paul explains to us, "It blacks out the entire thing except for a small circle of visibility around your mouse. It's only really irritating on a few missions (where timing is critical). Thing is you don't need to get par on the bonus ones if you get it without the bonus turned on, which can actually make it a lot easier."

Ernie, The Ecto-1 that you featured is in my home town. When I take to dog out for a walk, I usually go past that guy's car museum. He doesn't usually have eye-popping stuff in there, but I did notice the car the other day. Every so often, he has the Bat Mobile sitting out front. Love your site! Scott

From your post today: "People still bust my balls about EHOWA looking so old fashioned -- no flash, limited java, no comments or user signups" Maybe I'm alone here, "but no flash, limited java, no comments or user signups" is one of my favorite things about your site. "Old-Fashioned" though it may be, ehowa remains one of the most pleasant sites to visit that I look at on any kind of regular basis. Simplicity is not a bad thing. Ehowa is like internet comfort food. To flash or java it up, or to allow everyone and his brother to squirt out the textual dirrhea of their comments and opinions onto your page would, I think, ruin the comfort-food aspect. Simplicity is what makes Five Guys' Burgers great. Grandma's pot roast is not fancy, and nobody but Grandma should be trying to make it, but it's the best fucking pot roast you'll ever sink your pearly whites into. Don't change your recipe.~Jeremy

Hey Ernie, Long time listener, first time caller, love the show. So, I’m driving home from work a couple of weeks ago, and I see a new sign out of the corner of my eye that says, “FIVE GUYS BURGER AND FRIES COMING SOON”. Holy fucking shit, they finally made it to Bumfuck(Lubbock),Texas. Today was opening day, so the wife and I stopped by there and picked up some burgers and fries for lunch, and I have to agree with you ….. they’re one of, if not THE best I’ve had in a long time. Keep up the good work, and my cardiologist thanks you in advance for suggesting Five Guys, fucker. Thank You, Coke

Ernie, This is a story that was published in my local paper today that I feel puts the celebrity death trifecta's recently into perspective. As a former Marine, this is the type of coverage I would much rather see from the media. The story is here. Semper Fi, Chris

Better Late Than Never, Eh?

This morning I was browsing around the Web Archive looking for old EHOWA stuff, and couldn't find what I was looking for. Then it dawned on me; I had to look up ernieshouseofwhoopass.com, which is the domain name I used immediately following the Jim Henson lawsuit thing. Unfortunately, the archive doesn't grab everything, so the most functional version of the 'old page' can be found here, complete with my world famous "3stickfucking" animated GIF file. People still bust my balls about EHOWA looking so old fashioned -- no flash, limited java, no comments or user signups, but I dunno I guess it just reminds me of simpler when all I had to do was sit around and pickle my liver. Kind of like Flaherty and Disney World. Ah, those were the good old days, eh?

No, nowadays more of my money finds its way into my gas tank than it does my stomach. Which brings me to something else I saw the other day: a street sign noting that golf carts were legal to ride on the streets in this particular neighborhood I was visiting. Now I've heard of golf carts being used in gated communities and camp ground.... but on city streets? How cool is that? Rid around your neighborhood in a bad ass golf cart. And I'm not talking about those GEM electric cars either, I'm talking about plain old golf carts. So this led me to a little research and apparently...

Florida statutes make it legal to operate a golf cart on a public roadway only if all of the following conditions are met: 1. The city or county has designated the street as "golf cart eligible;" 2. Signs are posted by the city or county to indicate that golf carts are permitted on the street; 3. The golf cart has reliable steering, efficient brakes, safe tires, a rear view mirror, and red reflectors on the front and rear; 4. The golf cart is operated during daylight hours only, unless the city or county has authorized the road for nighttime use, in which case the golf cart must be equipped with headlights, tail lights, brake lights, turn signals, and a windshield. It's also permissible to operate a golf cart with appropriate safety equipment inside a self-contained retirement community.

Ernie: Thanks for reminding us all of the mighty X-15. It was one of my favorite models to build. Here’s the link to Scott Crossfield getting blown up on the test stand, about 1:00 in. Like vehicles, like planes. Hint: If the engine makes a sound you’ve never heard before, *don’t* hit “reset.” - best, HP Henson

Wade Boggs was known for his superstitions as much as his hitting. He ate chicken before every game, woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 100 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17, and ran sprints at 7:17. His route to and from his position in the field beat a path to the home dugout. He is a Hall of Fame baseball player. But, more importantly, Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame drinker. According to the legend, Wade Boggs once drank 64 Miller Lites during a seven-hour flight. That's amazing. But then he was also known for pulling some pretty high quality ass, too. On the flip side, Barack Obama got to throw out the first pitch at the MLB All-Star game yesterday and got booed before he even got to the mound, but what I mean is the fans in St. Louis should have saved up all their booing for when Obama actually pitched, because he throws like an elitist sissy and the ball dropped in front of the plate like General Motors stock price.

I Trust I Have Your Attention Now, Yes?

The Vermont Death Race -- the race that may kill you - ten miles. You can expect barbed wire, mud boggin, wood choppin, tunnels, deep water diving, running, crawling, crying, screaming, and sweating. It's doubtful you'll even finish, but be proud of yourself for trying. But I suppose if you're really a good athlete, you might make it by the skin of your teeth.

hey ernie, fan of your website since about 4 years ago, i'm sending you some pics of a suburban that the police found near the road in caborca sonora. apparently this guys were from a cartel that wanted to get into sonora and the cartel that does all the business there decided it was best to make an example out of them than just kill them. just an example of what we deal about everyday here in mexico. today they found 15 corpses in michoacan in the same spot where a month ago they had found 6 guys killed and tortured. shit like this happens everyday and throught the country but only little comes in the news. in my hometown more than 100 people have disappeared but there's not a single official report of them, only the murders of about twenty people but only because they were killed in broad daylight or taken from inside their homes in the night and killed in the front yard of their houses for their family to see. well enough bs and hope to see this in your website. greetings from mexico, alan. ps - the sign is just a message to other capos that this will happen to anybody else they send to work in their territory.

I Would Shoot You Deader Than.... Well... Just Really Dead, Okay?

New games. I have one challenge and one not-a-challenge-but-still-pretty-fucking-cool. The game challenge is by the same folks who brought us Super Stacker 2, which I think is still one of th ebest games out there. Anyway, forget what you know about gravity in this innovative physics removal game called Red Remover. Your goal is to remove the red shapes without letting any green shapes fall off the screen. This starts out simple but things get a bit more interesting after level 10, and I'm currently on level 21. Now, for those of you looking to idle away a little more time I have this to offer you: a MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIE INFESTATION! Actually I think it's one of the better zombie games out there, right up with The Last Stand. And Zombie Infestation isn't mindless like Boxhead and there's an actual goal... you have to escape the house crawling with undead who are looking to devour your brains. My only complaint is you can't reuse keys. Other than that, rock on. And you may have to brighten your monitor because it's kind of dark -- and kind of creepy.

Hey Ernie - regarding that list of celebrity cameos last week - I wrote in and told them they forgot about Bob Barker in Happy Gilmore, and guess what -- they listened! Thanks for the cool site. Simon.

The guy complaints about pop ups might be speaking about your July, 08, 2009 post. This link here is the culprit - http://www.sweetandhotgirls.com -- the thumbnails do not lead to pictures but open ads in new windows. One of them is even a downloader for an .exe file. Hope this helps. Jason

Hey Ernie – When I patched Firefox to the current version (3.5), I think I messed something up because now I view your site with an all white background & the scripts to open the pop-ups for the photos no longer work, (they open a new tab instead). Here is a link to a screenshot so you can see what I am talking about. Also, I don’t have scripts like greasemonkey or other css modifying add-ons. Any suggestions that you can make on what settings I can check, so I can get my browser fixed would be appreciated. Thanks, Rod. EHOWA Fan in San Antonio

Thanks Jason.... that offending NSFW link was pulled down and replaced with this one. And for you Rod, I don't want to look like an ass but I think it has something to do with CSS, but to be honest I couldn't guess what. I'm sure someone reading this will and will write in and set us straight. But kudos to you for sending a screen cap so I at least had some clue as to what you were talking about.

So I Kept Hollywood In Business This Weekend.

I went and caught not one, but two movies this weekend. The first I've been looking forward to every since I first saw the trailer a few months ago: Johnny Depp's portrayal of John Dillinger in Public Enemies. My advice -- and it pains my heart to say this -- wait for it to come out on DVD/Bluray, because it was horribly disappointing. The acting was good, the story was good... but the editing was fucking horrible. The storyline jumped all over the fucking place. Once scene they're in Indiana and the next they're in Florida and the next they're in New Mexico -- only there's no cut scene explaining how or why. One robbery the cops show up, the next they don't. There's no continuity from one scene to another. And what makes it so disappointing is of the two great actors in the movie -- Depp and Christian Bale -- their total onscreen interaction time? Eh, maybe thirty seconds; pretty much what you see in the trailer. It's like someone made two different movies by taking random clips from the cutting room floor and strung them all together to play side by side. It sucked. But not as much as what I have to report next -- and this really pains my fucking heart -- the second movie I went to go see was The Proposal with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. But here's what's horrible about it: it was actually a better movie than Public Enemies. Yeah, I know. I was surprised too. And while her face is looking a little tired, for a 45 year old broad, Bullock has still got it going on. And for a chick who makes her bread and butter off romantic comedies, my advice is this: if you want to break out of the genre, it's easy. All you have to do is finally take off your shirt. I'm not suggesting you do a threesome with your co-star, Betty White, but Jesus you can at least give us a nipple or two to chew on.

Another chick who reminds of Sandra Bullock is Tina Fey, and she's someone else I've always found attractive in a hot librarian kind of way. You know, the "I don't have to take my shirt off because I'm hot and smart," kind of mentality. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but judging from Tina's yearbook picture I'm guessing she put out a lot in her teens.

Hey Ern, Me love you long time. Just wanted to let you know that your post about the 10 most common misconceptions about Islam sent that topic to the top of the Top 10 list. A big number of what I can only assume are your people showed up and let the author know just how diluted their little list was. I even got a guy to threaten my life after leaving a straight forward critique. Anyhoo, I haven't contributed all these years and I just wanted to contribute something your readers might enjoy. Hope you like it. Jeff G.

Hey Ernie, your site has been a daily ritual for a few years now, and wanted to say thanks for all the laughs and weirdness. I respect your enthusiasm and care for many of your country's fallen, and was wondering if you may be able to take a moment to pay tribute to one of Canada's most recently fallen warriors of a different kind. Yesterday we lost a great athlete in Arturo Gatti, and although not the best boxer who ever lived, he had perhaps the biggest heart that the sport has produced, and a man who did not know how to quit. He will be missed. Here's a clip of his most famous fight and round against Mickey Ward in the first of their famed trilogy. Take a moment and watch this clip. Take care, all the best. Tim in Toronto.

Your site is getting so bad that you can't click on hardly anything without getting a popup. Eranie street is too much. i know there needs to be revenue but yikes...........Dave.

Now I've replied back to Dave twice, asking for more details, but haven't received a reply yet. When you hit Ernie Street you should receive a popup. One single, solitary popup, and that's once every 24 hours. If you're seeing more than that, something is wrong so please let me know. As for popups on other sites, hey there's not much I really can do about that since I don't control them -- but when people do bring it to my attention I always let the 'offending webmaster' know about the complaint. And while I try not to link to sites that have a big amount of popups, someones one will sneak past my radar so again, feedback is key. Websites come in all shapes and sizes, but I think its pretty safe to say porn sites are going to have more popups than other safe-for-work sites. But I will tell you this -- and don't worry this isn't a dangerous site as it is just disappointing -- I don't link to sites NSFW sites like this. Sure they've got awesome material, and I'd love to check out the pictures, but when you click on anything past the first one... that's not what you get. Instead you get forwarded on to any one of a dozen random URLs which have absolutely zip to do with the full sized image you were expecting. I hate that shit, so (aside from this one time) I'd sooner watch a drunk chick breastfeed her baby than link to sites like that. Also, all of the thumbnail links are WYSIWYG -- so unlike some sites, I won't use a pair of tits to link to a game site just to artificially boost their traffic. That's just not how I roll, Dave.

This One Is For You, Uncle Andy.

After I closed yesterday's post with, "... we get introduced to shock collars!" I received an urgent text message from my friend Andy who wanted to express his reservation about the use of these collars. I responded back to Andy by saying, "Well shock collar is kind of a strong word, but 'tingly sensation collar' just doesn't have the same ring to it." But his concern certainly cast the seed of doubt in my mind, so when the first lesson with the dog trainer began last night, I immediately barraged him with a dozen questions on how we're going to use these collars. You see I (... and Andy too, apparently) was under the same false assumption that 95% of the rest of the world is under -- that these shock collars are used in a punitive nature. You know, "Bad dog!" ...BZZZZZT! But as it turns out, nothing -- absolutely nothing -- could be further from the truth. They are NOT used in conjunction with, "bad dog," or "get off the counter," or as punishment for any sort of negative behavior. They're used exclusively as an attention getter; the electronic equivalent to reaching out and poking your dog in the ribs and saying, "Hey you pay attention."

For starters, let's talk about what the shock feels like; because there's no way I was putting this thing on my fucking dog without my feeling it first, I don't care how many dogs you've trained. Banish all the mental pictures you have of a startled dog yelping in the air while they're being drug down the Green Mile: that's simply not the case. The duration of the zap is like a quick instantaneous pop, not a prolonged burst. And the sensation it gives isn't what I would call pain, it's just... well, it's the same pins-and-needles sensation you get when your leg falls asleep. It doesn't hurt -- granted it doesn't feel good either -- it's just, well, weird. It makes your dog stop what they're doing, and take notice. "What the fuck was that?"

The power setting is adjustable from 1 to 127 -- anything below 10 and I wasn't able to feel it even on the underside of my wrist -- and even then it was more, "Huh, did I just feel something?" >Zap!< "Huh, yeah I guess I did feel something. Sort of." Very gentle, almost unnoticeable, like when you're trying really hard to hear the higher pitched tones during a hearing test. Crank it up to 30 and it feels the same as your leg does when it falls asleep after a few minutes. Imagine as you're sitting as your desk right now, if your leg went from completely normal -- to all pins and needles -- and back to completely normal, all in the blink of an eye. It'd sure get your attention, right? it wouldn't hurt, it would be startling. Same thing with the shock collars. The highest setting we made it to was 45 for a few quick blasts to Bianca when she was more interested in running across the street to get to the neighbor's dog than she was at paying attention to the trainer.

Now let's go back to that 'hey you' electronic poke of the finger. I think I mentioned before that 0.0000374 seconds after I let Bianca off the leash one time, she made a mad dash straight into the lake behind my house, thus requiring me to jump in right after her. She didn't stop when I told her to, she ignored my calling her name, instead she went where she wanted to and I was invited to go fuck myself for my trouble. Thus I think we can agree that she is *not* off-the-leash-trained, which is one of the things we're trying to accomplish with this trainer. And when she's on the leash, giving her gentle (and not so gentle!) tugs with leash correction has been for the most part, ineffective. She'll pay attention for a minute or so, and then go back to running out her leash with arm dislocating yanks. Now enter the shock collar -- or "stimulation collar" as the trainer would like them to be referred to. Put that on Bianca, give her a little zap -- or stimulation -- until she looks up at you, guide her back to you with the leash, give her another stimulation, and praise her. Take a few steps away from her -- zap -- guide her back to you -- zap to stop -- and more praise. Why the second zap? Because otherwise you're calling your dog to you and she could run right past you. The first zap means 'hey you come here' the second means 'hey you stop'. If the dog wanders away or gets distracted by something else -- a quick zap 'hey you pay attention' to get them focused onto you, then more praise.

As far as the dog knows, when they wander away or don't pay attention, they get this weird uncomfortable feeling. But when they stick close to their owner, they get praise. So within ten minutes of starting out, both dogs had stopped running the leashes out to the end and were instead dutifully following us around like well behaved little pains in the asses. And guess what? They weren't scared, they weren't broken, they weren't cowering in the corner. They were actually happy because of all the praise they were getting. We're supposed to work with each dog, ten minutes at a time, four times a day for the next week. So while I don't want there to be any misconceptions about me being totally onboard the shock collar thing just yet -- I can certainly see how they could be abused in the hands of a sadistic asshole -- I can certainly see their usefulness, too. Bonus: the shock collars are size adjustable and can fit a human neck, so I can't wait to bring an all new dimension to Beer Pong!

Hey Ernie! I wrote you once before about your smoke detectors, hope you were able to get them squared away. I live in Estero, FL part-time, so I went through the same exact thing (Southern Homes?) I also live in Colorado part-time, and I happened to be in Ft. Collins, Colorado today, looking at some property and came across this sign in a front yard. What an absolutely AMAZING story! Keep up the great work! Cindy [more pics]

[better photo] Hey Ernie, long time reader here. Here's something that's on the front page of every single newspaper here in Rio and São Paulo, but I bet is not making the rounds in the good old USA. The girl's name is Mayara, 17, from Santa Cruz a suburb of Rio. Without Sarkozy, that photo is not worth half its value though. Your site is awesome, I read it every morning during breakfast. Keep up the great work! Lula da Silva.

Found this posted at the local dog park where I take my rescued Saint Bernard Kimber. Thought you might like it. Keep up the good work! Dave

And yes, I was the one to block out Ernie's owner's phone number; having your number posted at the local dog park is a lot different than having it posted on the internet. A girl my oldest brother knew tried this shit in a four foot pool, and she's been in a wheelchair for like thirty years now, so I guess busting your teeth ain't so bad, eh? it sure as hell beats all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. That's right, a total protonic reversal.

A Few Things To Contemplate During Your Day.

Okay, we'll start out with a little soul searching today. And I want you to think for a seconds before answering, and try to be as honest as possible. If you had the chance to sleep with Megan Fox, but knew beforehand that she was a posessed by a Satanic demon that was going to literally eat your face mid coitus, my question is: would you bother with a rubber?

And now let's talk about something that normally drives me fucking insane - Sacha Baron Cohen. First and foremost I hate him because he's banging Isla Fisher and I'm wicked jealous. Secondly I hate him because I simply don't find his Borat or Bruno characters even remotely funny. But then -- but then -- he goes on David Letterman as himself -- the first non-character interview I've ever seen of him -- and guess what? The guy is actually kinda normal. Dare I even say, actually kinda funny? I mean I dunno, I'm so full of mixed emotions here I don't know what to do. Do I give Bruno a chance? I dunno, I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

Ernie, while he might not be a celebrity as we know it ...... but we bought more of his hot dogs than we did of M. Jackson's records. Did you see Jackson's casket? It looked like a chafing dish on a buffet line. No word on Oscar's casket yet, but sources are reporting it may look like a bun with a yellow blanket. Greg.

Also, you've heard me ramble on about two women I consider to be classic beauties -- Bridget Moynahan (God I hate you so much, Tom Brady. See Isla Fisher reference above) and Anne Hathaway. All the other broads in Hollywood are either reinventing themselves twice a year, bouncing up and down weight wise, and otherwise just trying to be attention whores. Now not my Classic Beauties. Well today I add yet another to my very short list: Emma Watson. So now there are three.

The top ten places to increase your risk of: type 2 diabetes, increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, breathing problems, trouble sleeping (sleep apnea), depression, anxiety, high total cholesterol, stroke, gallbladder disease, and osteoarthritis. Oh, sorry, I mean the top ten places to east XXL meals. of course you'll never find a PETA member there, because they're all too busy out killing strippers.

Hey, Ernie, been digging on your site for years. Good job! At any rate, I was looking at the Thailand cannibalism pictures, and on the uniforms some of the people are wearing it says, "Sawang Rescue." Their website is here. I suspect that what were are seeing is some sort of training, maybe a sort of down and dirty anatomy class. Still, it sure does look like they are butchering and eating that guy, too. I emailed them with a link to the pictures, asking them to explain the events depicted. It does make me wonder, though, what sort of trouble could be stirred up if these pics made their way to the newspapers in Pattaya. I may find out if Sawang Rescue doesn't respond. Hey, you never know, you may have helped bust some bizarre Thai cannibalism cult/organ harvesting ring! How gruesome would that be? Some man-eating cult that wormed its way into the emergency rescue business. Kind of like ambulance chasing attorneys, only more respectable. Chris.

Fuck you you fucking sick fuck. Lunch in Thailand? Thanks to you, I may never eat Thai food again. "I'll have the Pad Prik with cream of some old man soup." That was by far at the bottom (or is it the top?) of your disgisting scale. By all means, keep up the good work. "Hey mamma san, who's coming to dinner?" "Grandad!" Rick - somewhere East of Atlanta

Wow, you really think it was that bad, Rick? Honestly, I thought this one was much worse. And let's honest -- even that wasn't ad bad as the last twenty minutes of Indians Jones 4. So here is seven minutes of Harold Ramis talking about Ghostbusters 3. I swear to fucking God, if you fuck this up like Spielberg did with Indy 4, I'm going to set you on fucking fire. Not you, Rick, I mean Harold.

Met the dog trainer last night. Ike and Bianca were their usual high strung (semi) pains in the ass, which was good, because now Dennis the trainer knows what he has to work with. He put on a little show with his dog -- a German Shepard with the words "FREIGHTLINER" on the side -- and it was like the fucking thing was on remote control. So tonight is our first session and we get introduced to... shock collars! Bzzzt!

This list of the ten funniest videos of people falling off stages including my personal favorite, Helen Keller. Or at least an actress portraying her anyway. I mean c'mon, I'm not that big of a bastard. Yeah I know, yeah sure, famous last words, eh?

Old and busted: An out-of-ideas Hollywood is going to make a movie out of the game Asteroids. The new hotness: The really-out-of-ideas Hollywood is going to make a movie out of the old tv series, TJ Hooker. And just where the fuck is my Hogans Heroe's remake, hmmmm?

Not sure if you've seen this or not (I got it from a friend), but here it is: "Killed in action the week before, the body of Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City, Georgia, just south of Atlanta, on June 11, 2009. The Henry County Police Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough, Georgia. A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be taken and the approximate time. This is a short travelogue of that day's remarkable and painful journey." Michael

I bet her parents are proud, having their daughters picture on the front page of the local paper (www.timesleader.com) under a graphic of a huge shocker.

Does McNamara Count As A Celebrity Death?

And yes, I know that's Rumsfeld, not McNamara. So. Let me tell you about my Fourth of July weekend. it started off with a surprise visit from Steve from Atlanta. Steve is the guy who took photos of the illegal immigrant bust, and was my travel buddy during my Washington DC trip a few years back. Now in tow with Steve, is his son Vincent who is deathly afraid of dogs. As a reminder, I now have two and both of which are kind of spastic around new people. But given some time, all three of them (two dogs & Vincent) were playing together in the pool; Vincent throwing racquet balls and Ike & Bianca more than happy to play fetch. Vincent is now now longer afraid of dogs and all is right with the world! But then it's time to go, and after drying the dogs off, I put them in my office (glass doors) so the Steve clan can safely say goodbye without crazy dogs afoot. Comfortably past his fear of dogs, Vincent makes one trip back to the office door to wave goodbye to the dogs, who in turn press their noses against the already nose-print streaked glass. It was a Normal Rockwell moment. Vincent turned to head out the door and and then... it happened. I don't know who threw the first blow, but on the other side of the glass it was all out fucking war. A black and white tussle of growling, snapping and biting. I burst open the office door and throw myself into the middle of the fight. Any by, "in the middle," I mean I volunteered my hands to be in the dogs mouths, instead of having them clamp down on each other. Hey fuck you, vet trips are expensive. It took more effort to get them seperated this time, than any other tussle they've been in. I literally had two hands on Bianca's jaws and was prying her mouth apart for all I was worth, and she still didn't let go of Ike until she was damned good and ready. Keep in mind she's only twenty fucking pounds. So by he time I get them apart my right hand is bleeding and riddled with bite marks, the girlfriend's wrist is bruised in the shape of a dog's ass, and Vincent is crying his eyes out. But hey, at least the dogs made it through unscathed! So anyway here I am, my bloodied hand spattering blood as I wave goodbye to Steve and his family, and thinking if little Vincent wasn't afraid of dogs before, he sure as fuck is now.

With the dogs ready to throw down at a moments notice, an overnight trip was suddenly out of the question. This of course led me to have to cancel my original Fourth of July plans I made a few months ago, going up to St Pete to see Tony and Gloria like we did last year, and instead choosing to stick around locally so I could keep track of the dogs every few hours or so. Indeed, my dogs did not make me very proud to be an American that day. And it was here with some other bowling folks, that Mike amazed everyone with a terrific impression of Jesus, while Bill did his best Michael Jackson. And after a 45 minute no-show by the douchebags at 275-TAXI, we caught a ride home (from a designated driver, thank you very much), threw up, and went to bed.

Since you just posted some train vs toronado pictures, check out this video that was filmed from the back of the engine. Wanna bet that conductor had to change is overalls? I am sure as is sitting there looking at the tanker car coming at him he has to be thinking, flammable or non-flammable? Bryan.

Happy Independence Day!

Our forefathers swore: "For the support of this Declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

So just for a moment -- before the beer, bratwurst, burgers and bangs begin -- take a moment to remember what we are celebrating. Our nation's birthday. Some of us were lucky enough to have won the genetic lottery to live in this country; others fled their homelands to be here. Both of us enjoy more freedom here, than anywhere else in the world. Also remember that our freedom is not cheap and persons better than ourselves have paid for it with their very lives. Honor them. They gave you and me a free and independent America. And for Christ's sake, if you're going to launch your own fireworks today, please don't do it out of your ass.

Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No. Go. No.

When I went to go visit my father out in Las Vegas, we stayed at The Stratosphere which is the big space needlely hotel and casino with the roller coasters on top. And as with all high rise tourist attractions, they have an observation deck. But what made this one somewhat unique is the glass windows were set at a forty-five degree angle. Now let me preface this by saying that I'm not afraid of heights. But. Try as I might, I simply could not get myself to actually step on the slanted glass as other people were doing. My feet just wouldn't do it. I could look over them. I could lean over and hold myself up by the metal bar that ran along the top. But I simply could not step on them. It was the weirdest thing.

Rationally I could sit there and look at the 1" thick bolts holding the 2" thick glass in place, and knew there was no way they were going to fail. And I could rationally look around and see three, sometimes even four people doing the exact same thing, all standing on a single pane of glass. And yet my feet just wouldn't move. Even when I tried to psyche myself up for it, I'd get all pumped and I'd get the instantaneous boost of adrenaline just before I was going to step and them boom -- my feet were frozen in place. They simply refused to step off into nothingness. It was really mind boggling. I'm glad I didn't have to pay any extra to get up there.

Hi Ernie, I spent three years in Baghdad and missed your site sorely over there. This is my second contribution, the first was a particularly gruesome video of executions in Baghdad. I still have several friends who send me stuff from Iraq. This is from my friend Saravanan (a TCN who I worked with for a while at D-8 Loyalty right next to Sadr City). I talked to him on the phone yesterday and asked him about this, he has no idea. I have spent a lot of time in Thailand on R'n'R the last few years and can honestly say I have NEVER heard of anything like this. The writing on the backs of their shirts is definitely Thai, but like I said, NEVER seen anything like this. Fucking crazy shit, looks legitimate and I can find no reference in Google or Snopes or anywhere for that matter. I would be grateful if you could figure out this mystery. Thought you might like to take a gander. [WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS!] Mark, San Antonio, TX. p.s. I am still waiting on my surgeries for my injuries sustained over there but at least I have my deposition coming up tomorrow and my trial date has been set for September. Fuck AIG and their money grubbing ways.

hey i love the site but am fairly new and just noticed today there is no sound on any of your links just thought you would like to know. your the funniest fuck on the internet by the way and i share your site with everyone i know! tomothy

Well Tim, one of two things is true. Either (A) I searched all around the internet, seeking out websites that hosted various videos that had no sound, or (B) you've got your speakers turned off. I'll let you guess which option is more likely. Good luck with that and feel free to call if you need any more help.

As Patrick Swayze Quietly Snickers.

How about a medium rare steak with A1 Steak Sauce, fried chicken breasts and thighs, BBQ ribs, French fries, onion rings, bacon, scrambled eggs with onions, fried potatoes with onions, sliced tomatoes, salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers, peach pie, milk, coffee, and iced tea with real sugar. If you think that's unhealthy, you should see what the lethal injection will do to you afterwards.

Doug sent in this list of all the Budwesier Real Men of Genius commercials. I remember they started out as Real American Heroes, but when 9/11 happened, Anheiser Busch changed to the current Genius vs Hero tag. Which was a bullshit politically correct move I always thought was pretty lame. When the hero tag is assigned to an athlete or actor, I always vomit in my mouth a little but only because the person saying it obviously has such a warped sense of reality. With the Bud Real American Heroes, it was obviously a parody so I didn't think anything of it. Besides, now that it's eight years since 9/11, we can all sit back and pay tribute to the real American heros. That's right, I'm talking about Will Smith.

Hey Ernie. After seeing the post of the tornado from Nebraska I figured I would show what Florida has to offer. Picture taken at NAS JAX. Scott

This One is For You, Canadian Jay.

So Bianca went into have her stitches removed this morning, so she's doing well. The toughest part was keeping her out of the pool, but now wer've got the green light for that, so between these two OCD dogs, I know how I'll be spending my afternoon. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball. Ball.

And of course there's still more to be said on the Dead Celebrity Trifecta that we're in the middle of -- or not in the middle of -- as some of you are now contesting...

Ernie, This is the first time I have written to you and I hate to start out by pointing out where you are wrong, but... Billy Mays did not start the new trifecta, it was Gale Storm as she left us on Saturday. I was informed this morning that Fred Travelina has also begun his last impression, that of a dead man. So, we filled out the celeb trifecta in one weekend. Or you could look at it as two trifectas in one week. Still, that is a lot of celebrities to go so quickly. And I still find your house of whoop ass to be entertaining after *mumble,mumble* years. You know, from the crazy days of late last century. Take it easy, John

Yeah see, here's the thing. As Lord of the Internet, if I don't know who a celebrity is, then they just don't count. First off Gale Storm sounds like a terrific porn name -- but when I looked up her biography I was disappointed to find out she did radio and a little show called My Little Margie. So uh, she's out. And as for Fred Travelina? Like you said he was famous for doing impressions, which to be honest is a style of humor I've never been a big fan of. It's like Rich Little; when he dies there won't be a candle in my window. So he's out, too. Now I'll just sit here like the vulture that I am and wait for Patrick Swayze to die.

Ernie, long time reader , check Ehowa before my first cup of coffee every morning die-hard, but this is the first time that I have ever sent an email or anything. I was really looking forward to your take on the Bernie Madoff sentence of 100+ years. You have always taken a hard ass position on things like the ponzi scheme he pulled off and was devastated this morning when you didn't even mention your thoughts on him or what type of punishment he REALLY deserved. Thanks, and love your site. JaredO

This is probobably going to surprise you, but I'm not as critical of Bernie Madoff as some people are. For two specific reasons. The first is Thomas Tusser's old adage of, "A fool and his money are soon parted." And before anyone asks, no PT Barnum didn't say that, his quote was, "There's a sucker born every minute." and that probably applies to Bernie as well. Anyway, I look at all these victims of this Ponzi scheme and given that they're all fairly wealthy people you have to assume they're intelligent or at the very least, of above average intelligence. Well, ol' Bernie was promising them thirty percent returns on their investments. Remember the sniff test? "Gimme all of your money, and I'll double it in two and a half hears." C'mon! To me that just seems a little too good to be true, even during a booming economy. So, why the fuck weren't these people keeping a closer watch on their money? Because when they were getting outrageous returns they didn't ask any questions. So hey, whenthe bottom falls out and you're left with nothing but your cock in your hand, you've got no one else to blame other than your own greed. And secondly, one of the people he fucked out of their life savings was Johnny Damon. And in my book, anybody who fucks over Johnny Damon can't be all bad. But speaking of fucking people over, here's something I bet you didn't know. Remember the Sham Wow guy? The one famous for (beating/getting beaten by) the hooker? It turns out the two things he's most famous for peddling, were both ideas ripped off from Billy Mays; and Mays called him out on it during an interview on the Adam Carolla show... and Mays talked some good shit too. But given that he's dead now, well I guess that means that Vince gets the last laugh. Sorry, Billy.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has now notched up 40 mistakes on moviemistakes.com, making it the most mistake-ridden movie of the year by a comfortable margin, despite only having been on release for a week (Angels & Demons is second, with 19 errors). The full list can be found here. Thanks, Jon

Hey Ernie, maybe you can use this. I call it... Excedrin headache #223. I hope you get this cause my Mozilla Thunderbird email is fucked ever since I switched from dsl to at&t u-verse. I can receive but I can't send mail, so I'm using my hoaky yahoo email. Bullseye Jones.

Without even seeing it, I can tell you how to fix your email. You see there are usualyl two server addresses that you need to plug into your mail package -- be it Thunderbird, Outlook, or Eudora like I use. The first is the server that you retrieve your mail from, and it's usually something like pop.yourdomain.com or mail.yourdomain.com. You can access that server from anywhere on the internet, since many people check their email remotely. Now to send email, you plug in a different address, usually something like smtp.yourdomain.com. This server can only be accessed from within that particular ISP's network, in order to block spammers from hacking a mail server that doesn't belong to them. So when you changed ISPs from (and I'm going to pull these addresses out of my ass, but you'll understand what I'm saying) verizon.net to att.com, you need to go into your mail settings and change your outbound SMTP server address from smtp.verizon.net to smtp.att.com. There, all fixed. Yep, that's what I do. I solve problems. Unlike these bitches that only give all the other bitches bad reputations.

Hey there Ernie, Here are some shots of tornado damage at Aurora, Nebraska. A friend sent me these shots of the damage from the Aurora, Nebraska tornado on Wednesday 6-17-09. There were 17 cars derailed on the MKCKPAS, (Manifest freight, Kansas City, KS to Pasco, WA), and all upright cars were later rerailed. Those in the ditch were still on their sides or upside down. Check out the cornfield to the right of the tracks. The corn was almost waist high before the tornado hit. Someone also filmed the tornado as it hit the Iams plant, just to the left of the train from Highway 34. They aired it on CNN all day last Thursday. Enjoy. Tyson