So Over This...

So yesterday was Easter i got up at the butt crack of dawn to prepare. I cooked,baked,cleaned and i occasionally yellued up to dh to help no response so i managed to clean the whole house cook all the food set the tables hide all the eggs outside and get our 4 kids and myself ready and as the doorbell rings at 2! he appears bright eyed and bushy tailed! and as the comments started "oh look at all the food and oh how nice.." and smiles looks at me and says ive been working my fingers to the bone all morning! i wanted to punch him in the face. So i cleaned up after all by myself as he sat on the couch ans as usual bathed and put the kids to bed because this is our relationship i do everything! So is this marriage or do i have a right to be upset he never once said thank u good job or CAN I HELP YOU!! im so upset and need advice thank u ladies for listening

thing called marriage!!

So yesterday was Easter i got up at the butt crack of dawn to prepare. I cooked,baked,cleaned and i occasionally yellued up to dh to help no response so i managed to clean the whole house cook all the food set the tables hide all the eggs outside and get our 4 kids and myself ready and as the doorbell rings at 2! he appears bright eyed and bushy tailed! and as the comments started "oh look at all the food and oh how nice.." and smiles looks at me and says ive been working my fingers to the bone all morning! i wanted to punch him in the face. So i cleaned up after all by myself as he sat on the couch ans as usual bathed and put the kids to bed because this is our relationship i do everything! So is this marriage or do i have a right to be upset he never once said thank u good job or CAN I HELP YOU!! im so upset and need advice thank u ladies for listening

Wow, I would have been in the bedroom tearing the covers off him and making him get out of bed. I've never hosted Easter, and we don't have children yet, but if we're having company over it's usually my job to do the cooking and he cleans the house. That's how out marriage tends to work out. Don't get me wrong, I do most of the cleaning on a normal basis but when we have to do the deep clean he's usually the one doing it, especially now that I'm pregnant. Anytime I start cooking, cleaning,etc the first thing he says is "please don't overdo it, let me know what I can do to help". He definitely isn't one of those guys who takes the initiative too often, but you better bet that when I ask for his help he's there next to me asking what he can do. I'm sorry you had to do all that by yourself. I'd be pissed too. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

Wow, I would have been in the bedroom tearing the covers off him and making him get out of bed. I've never hosted Easter, and we don't have children yet, but if we're having company over it's usually my job to do the cooking and he cleans the house. That's how out marriage tends to work out. Don't get me wrong, I do most of the cleaning on a normal basis but when we have to do the deep clean he's usually the one doing it, especially now that I'm pregnant. Anytime I start cooking, cleaning,etc the first thing he says is "please don't overdo it, let me know what I can do to help". He definitely isn't one of those guys who takes the initiative too often, but you better bet that when I ask for his help he's there next to me asking what he can do. I'm sorry you had to do all that by yourself. I'd be pissed too. Have you tried to talk to him about it?

You have the right to be mad. It is NOT up to the woman to do all the work. A relationship should be a partnership, and it sounds like he needs a reminder of that, especially with 4, soon to be 5 kids. I say you leave him home all day one day next weekend and let him experience a day in your shoes so he appreciates you, and you take the day off.

You have the right to be mad. It is NOT up to the woman to do all the work. A relationship should be a partnership, and it sounds like he needs a reminder of that, especially with 4, soon to be 5 kids. I say you leave him home all day one day next weekend and let him experience a day in your shoes so he appreciates you, and you take the day off.

i cant stop crying the more i think about the day and all i did and how he did nothing i get so angry yes ive talked to him many times about how he doesnt help at all i do all the house work and i cook i bathe the kids at night and put them to bed one time i hurt my back and aked him to help he made toast for dinner toast!! for 4 kids and a pregnant woman give me a break whenever i say he does nothing to help out he calls me crazy and says i making it up in my head ugh my plan was to leave for a weekend and see how he handles my life ofcourse i told him and he says i was a bad mom and thats child neglect! i dont know what to do im kinda over it and would rather be alone than resent him the rest of our lives....

i cant stop crying the more i think about the day and all i did and how he did nothing i get so angry yes ive talked to him many times about how he doesnt help at all i do all the house work and i cook i bathe the kids at night and put them to bed one time i hurt my back and aked him to help he made toast for dinner toast!! for 4 kids and a pregnant woman give me a break whenever i say he does nothing to help out he calls me crazy and says i making it up in my head ugh my plan was to leave for a weekend and see how he handles my life ofcourse i told him and he says i was a bad mom and thats child neglect! i dont know what to do im kinda over it and would rather be alone than resent him the rest of our lives....

It honestly sounds like you two need to go to marriage counseling. You're stuck in a cycle and getting no where. Only counseling will let you know for sure if you're both just miscommunicating and have different ideas of what a marriage is, or I'd he's just a lazy ungrateful @$$.

It honestly sounds like you two need to go to marriage counseling. You're stuck in a cycle and getting no where. Only counseling will let you know for sure if you're both just miscommunicating and have different ideas of what a marriage is, or I'd he's just a lazy ungrateful @$$.

I blew up at my husband the other day, because I was cooking dinner, disciplining two fighting kids, emptying the dishwasher and running for the laundry all at once, and he was sitting on the couch playing a video game. It honestly didn't occur to him that I might want his help! O.M.G. at least set the table or supervise the four year old while he does it. I had to yell, and then he gave me attitude and said, "Well, WHAT do you want me to do?" He does stuff on his own priority schedule, and the stuff he does is helpful, but it's not stuff I actually need done at any given moment. :) I'm sorry, that really sucks.

I blew up at my husband the other day, because I was cooking dinner, disciplining two fighting kids, emptying the dishwasher and running for the laundry all at once, and he was sitting on the couch playing a video game. It honestly didn't occur to him that I might want his help! O.M.G. at least set the table or supervise the four year old while he does it. I had to yell, and then he gave me attitude and said, "Well, WHAT do you want me to do?" He does stuff on his own priority schedule, and the stuff he does is helpful, but it's not stuff I actually need done at any given moment. :) I'm sorry, that really sucks.

Oh kitty, I swear my dh is leading a double life with you! I've written such similar posts many times. Especially the part about making stuff up in my head. It seriously makes me want to hit him, or worse! I was literally to the point of asking him to love out last week. We ve had a long talk and are trying to work on things together for a month or so, but he has agreed to counseling if that doesn't work. I wish you the best, but I def suggest telling him you are at the end of your rope and suggest counseling. I hope he listens. Good luck.

Oh kitty, I swear my dh is leading a double life with you! I've written such similar posts many times. Especially the part about making stuff up in my head. It seriously makes me want to hit him, or worse! I was literally to the point of asking him to love out last week. We ve had a long talk and are trying to work on things together for a month or so, but he has agreed to counseling if that doesn't work. I wish you the best, but I def suggest telling him you are at the end of your rope and suggest counseling. I hope he listens. Good luck.

Does he have a job outside the home? I bet he doesn't ask you to help with that, or with paying the bills ( I am making the assumption that with 4 kids you are a SAHM) I think cleaning and cooking are your JOB if he works outside the home and you don't. I would have sent the kids to be with him so I could have some peace while I did all the prep ( in fact that's what I did at my house yesterday). Seriously give the man a break and quit whineing about your job as a homemaker!

Does he have a job outside the home? I bet he doesn't ask you to help with that, or with paying the bills ( I am making the assumption that with 4 kids you are a SAHM) I think cleaning and cooking are your JOB if he works outside the home and you don't. I would have sent the kids to be with him so I could have some peace while I did all the prep ( in fact that's what I did at my house yesterday). Seriously give the man a break and quit whineing about your job as a homemaker!

I'm a stay at home as well and consider it my contribution to our family to take care of our kids and house. Generally. That doesn't mean that I should have to do everything especially on a holiday or special occasion. At those times my hubby will either help clean or take the kids to a park or to play so I can get it done.

I'm a stay at home as well and consider it my contribution to our family to take care of our kids and house. Generally. That doesn't mean that I should have to do everything especially on a holiday or special occasion. At those times my hubby will either help clean or take the kids to a park or to play so I can get it done.

its not fair he did this but if it has been like this since the start of the relationship... you cook, clean, care for the kids and he goes to work and gets to come home and does nothing, you can't be mad at him now. they won't think to ask what they can do to help. you have to tell them " I need you too ____." they are always 12 yo boys and you have to push them. and for my dh he won't get out of bed unless I go and get him. if I call for him he can sleep right through it. talk w him. tell him you need help. then the day before days like yest give him a run down of the plans on what needs to get done and what he needs to do. if after that he's still lazy and not helpful, you can be mad.

its not fair he did this but if it has been like this since the start of the relationship... you cook, clean, care for the kids and he goes to work and gets to come home and does nothing, you can't be mad at him now. they won't think to ask what they can do to help. you have to tell them " I need you too ____." they are always 12 yo boys and you have to push them. and for my dh he won't get out of bed unless I go and get him. if I call for him he can sleep right through it. talk w him. tell him you need help. then the day before days like yest give him a run down of the plans on what needs to get done and what he needs to do. if after that he's still lazy and not helpful, you can be mad.

even if she is a SAHM if he is home he is still their father. he still has responsibilities to be THEIR FATHER and to be a productive member of the household. her job would be to take care of the home and their children while he's away doing his outside job, but when he's home it is a PARTNERSHIP. I used to live with my aunt while in college and she was a SAHM and my uncle worked outside the house. My aunt and I would go out to run errands, etc once or twice a week but if it was more than that she'd say she couldn't because she'd already asked my uncle to "babysit" once that week. WHAT?!? Babysit your own children??? No - it's called PARENTING. So the same goes for the op's DH. It's his home too and it's just as much his job to help around the house, watch/clean/take care of the kids, help with dinner as it is hers. Just like me and my DH both work outside the home and we BOTH contribute when we get off work. It's ridiculous to say that her husband doesn't have any responsibilities in the home because she's a SAHM.

even if she is a SAHM if he is home he is still their father. he still has responsibilities to be THEIR FATHER and to be a productive member of the household. her job would be to take care of the home and their children while he's away doing his outside job, but when he's home it is a PARTNERSHIP. I used to live with my aunt while in college and she was a SAHM and my uncle worked outside the house. My aunt and I would go out to run errands, etc once or twice a week but if it was more than that she'd say she couldn't because she'd already asked my uncle to "babysit" once that week. WHAT?!? Babysit your own children??? No - it's called PARENTING. So the same goes for the op's DH. It's his home too and it's just as much his job to help around the house, watch/clean/take care of the kids, help with dinner as it is hers. Just like me and my DH both work outside the home and we BOTH contribute when we get off work. It's ridiculous to say that her husband doesn't have any responsibilities in the home because she's a SAHM.

This can be extremely frustrating at times, and my DH will usually be more inclined to play xbox for hours than help me with housework or getting ready for a gathering at our home, but there are three little words that have very much helped with the everyone-pulling-their-own-weight issue. They are "I NEED HELP." If I can tell DH that I need him to help me long before I get frustrated that he is NOT helping me, he will usually stop what he's doing and assist. My suggestion would be in the future to communicate clearly your needs and expectations - I usually tell DH days ahead of the gathering that I'll need him to help me - and then when it comes time to need his help get him out of bed or interrupt whatever he is doing and be very specific about why/how you need his help. For me this usually looks like this: "I need help. I don't have time to cook and handle the vaccuming, would you vaccum the house?" Problem solved. I've communicated very clearly why I need help and exactly what I need him to do to help. Unfortunately men aren't mind readers and we have to very expressly tell them what we need - they do not take hints. It took premarital counseling for me to fully embrace that about men, but it is what it is. HTH

This can be extremely frustrating at times, and my DH will usually be more inclined to play xbox for hours than help me with housework or getting ready for a gathering at our home, but there are three little words that have very much helped with the everyone-pulling-their-own-weight issue. They are "I NEED HELP." If I can tell DH that I need him to help me long before I get frustrated that he is NOT helping me, he will usually stop what he's doing and assist. My suggestion would be in the future to communicate clearly your needs and expectations - I usually tell DH days ahead of the gathering that I'll need him to help me - and then when it comes time to need his help get him out of bed or interrupt whatever he is doing and be very specific about why/how you need his help. For me this usually looks like this: "I need help. I don't have time to cook and handle the vaccuming, would you vaccum the house?" Problem solved. I've communicated very clearly why I need help and exactly what I need him to do to help. Unfortunately men aren't mind readers and we have to very expressly tell them what we need - they do not take hints. It took premarital counseling for me to fully embrace that about men, but it is what it is. HTH

I think what the PP was saying is maybe the DH SEES it that way. They may not be on the same page. I stay at home and take care of everything regarding the house. The way I see it, he doesn't have me to help him at work. This house IS my workplace. Maybe that is how OPs husband sees the arrangement as well. Kids are a different story. He's a great dad. He is more than happy to help at home but I insist on doing it. Only when I am truly in need do I ask.

I think what the PP was saying is maybe the DH SEES it that way. They may not be on the same page. I stay at home and take care of everything regarding the house. The way I see it, he doesn't have me to help him at work. This house IS my workplace. Maybe that is how OPs husband sees the arrangement as well. Kids are a different story. He's a great dad. He is more than happy to help at home but I insist on doing it. Only when I am truly in need do I ask.

Uh yeah! I would be flipping out! I CAN cook, but my husband takes care of EVERYTHING! I work full time and we have 3 kids with one on the way and he owns his own business so tends to have more time on his hands than I do. So I hardly lift a finger. However-when we do host things I cook and he definitely helps with other tasks-if that happened to me I would have canceled the whole thing and left the house for the evening! Be mad! I would.

Uh yeah! I would be flipping out! I CAN cook, but my husband takes care of EVERYTHING! I work full time and we have 3 kids with one on the way and he owns his own business so tends to have more time on his hands than I do. So I hardly lift a finger. However-when we do host things I cook and he definitely helps with other tasks-if that happened to me I would have canceled the whole thing and left the house for the evening! Be mad! I would.

I see your point and completely agree with you if that is what is agreed upon between them. Obviously (to me) if it's causing this amount of stress then it's not understood what is expected out of him. It seems to me that she'll ask for help and he says No. It's not a discussion and she's unhappy. To me that means something isn't working with the scenario they have going on and IMO she shouldn't be the one always expected to do everything, even if she is a SAHM.

I see your point and completely agree with you if that is what is agreed upon between them. Obviously (to me) if it's causing this amount of stress then it's not understood what is expected out of him. It seems to me that she'll ask for help and he says No. It's not a discussion and she's unhappy. To me that means something isn't working with the scenario they have going on and IMO she shouldn't be the one always expected to do everything, even if she is a SAHM.

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