Pages

5.02.2013

Wha Happened #5 (v.s. Rangers and @ Tigers)

Despite the evening's overlong, numbingly-slow, seemingly interminable catalogue of the talents of others, the Twin Cities were delighted by their own brief shining moment of glory.

But enough has been written about the Vikings' draft...The Twins also played and saw Josh Willingham hit a homerun in a losing effort to a more talented Rangers squad.

In other news: The Twins front office began declaring their interest in drafting Mantei Te'o with the fourth overall pick in June's draft...just to keep local sportswriters amused for a few more weeks.

Game 21

Rangers 4 - Twins 3

It was a beautiful afternoon in the Twins clubhouse, the perfect time to get in a little extra batting practice, enjoy some of the first sunshine of the spring.

"But...the Grimm foretells death and ill fortune for all who see it!!"

"What, did you face him in the minors or something?" asked Joe Mauer.

"No! But I read all about it in Unfogging the Future by Cassandra Vablatsky!"

"Umm...Aaron," replied Justin Morneau, slurping the last of his McDonald's Sweet Tea [ONLY 99 cents AT PARTICIPATING STORES!!] "I think that's only a book in the Harry Potter series."

"AAAAH!" Shouted Aaron Hicks, grabbing Morneau's cup and swirling around the dregs of the drink as if it were tea leaves, "IT'S THERE...IT'S THERE AGAIN!!! WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!!"

As Aaron Hicks ran around shouting about the disaster to everyone, the heart of the order gathered together. Finally Morneau broke the silence, "I suppose the nice thing to do would be to help Hicksy build some confidence by having his prediction come true...you guys willing to get held scoreless by a rookie startert again?"

"Eh," they responded in unison, "why not?"

So they did...and Aaron Hicks felt better...and Oswaldo Arcia hit another homer...and the game was lost, but the nerdiness was won.

Game 22

Twins 7 - Rangers 2

On their second consecutive beautiful day the Twins started to wonder if playing against the Rangers was really worth it. I mean, couldn't they just play this one quickly, lose (as they probably would anyway) and go home to put their feet up on the deck with a drink in hand and a steak on the grill?

The very happy Mr. Hernandez

But Rookie Pedro Hernandez was delighted to be there, making his second start and first attempt to become part of the "rotation". He kept talking to players in the dugout about "how cool" it was, and that standing on a big league mound was "so sweet!"

When removed from the game after the fifth, Hernandez sat beaming on the bench around other players. "Man you guys this day is just awesome!" [mumble grumble said the team that wanted to go home] "Major league baseball...I mean for REALS!! How cool is this!!?!? [I-du-mumma-grumbasaid the team who was so over playing every day] "And just think tonight I've got Cloud Cult tickets for me and my best friends!" [Record scratch sound, heads swivel and everybody crowds around Hernandez]

In an effort to impress Hernandez and get those extra tickets, Brian Dozier kept bragging about his "totally amazeballs sac fly", Wilkin Ramirez and Aaron Hicks drove in insurance runs, Josh Willingham smashed a home run to left, and when the bullpen heard about this option Anthony Swarzak, Brian Duensing and Jared Burton turned in scoreless efforts. And even though Glen Perkins gave up 2 runs, Hernandez cheered him up by flashing an extra ticket at him from the top step of the dugout.

And as "Beautiful Day" played on the loud speakers, you could almost hear the glee as Wilkin Ramirez shouted "Let's get out of here and go listen to some experimental local indie art rock!! WOO Cloud Cult!!"

Woo Cloud Cult indeed.

Game 23

Twins 5 - Rangers 0

Sunday was my first day of the season at Target Field, with beautiful sunshine, a well paced game and the chance to see a well-played game. It also allowed me to develop what I think might be the best equation for the Twins surprising .500 record in April

BB*H^2 + (ESKC/CP2012) = LW

That's Bases on Balls (aka Walks) times Hits squared, plus Early Season Kevin Correia-ness* over Craptastic Pitching from 2012 equals a likely Win. The more we do any of these things, the more walks drawn, the more hits attained, the more Early-Season-Kevin-Correia-y our pitching can be and the less craptastically our pitching resembles that of 2012, the better chance we have to win. (And with Willingham getting the walks, Morneau getting the hits and Kevin Correia being Kevin Correia-y this game was a likely win)

*Note, this is a very special brand of Kevin Correia and can still be used as a stand in for average effectiveness as a pitcher even if/when Correia collapses, after all Scott Diamond has had a very high Early-Season Kevin Correianess quotient throughout his run with the Twins*

ADDED BONUS: A HAIKU FOR THE FOOD I ATE AT THE PARK

The Italian Sausage

First bite of summer

Spices mild as big muddy

Bursts on snow tired tongue

Game 24Tigers 4 - Twins 3

Having split the series against a very tough Rangers team, the Twins went in to Detroit full of piss, vinegar, and other assorted odd liquids. And to be sure, everything seemed to be going wonderfully, Josh Willingham homered again, Oswaldo Arcia continued to hit the ball hard, and Mike Pelfrey (the bionic reclamation project) seemed to have found a way to get guys out using trickery, guile (and maybe some mixture of piss and vinegar in their gatorade).

But it was not to last...heading into the bottom of the sixth with the top of the order due up Gardy had a premonition that perhaps Pelfrey would need to take a rest. But Pelfrey prevailed upon him telling him in a slightly robotic tone, "come on skip-per...I can get these guys...my arm feels great...I just need some WD-40 to loosen my pitching mechanism...I mean, I just need a 'hot towel' on my 'arm' and I'll get them."

Gardy was concerned, but after Pelfrey corrected himself he was sure things would work out...But Vegetarian crusader Prince Fielder could smell the metal and the grease and the un-eco friendly Pelfrey from a mile away. And with two men on, trailing by two he did what any self-respecting Vegi-citizen would do and lined a homerun to left-center, winning the game for the Tigers and increasing Super Agent Scott Boras' fear that his bionic pitcher project may be a dud...but that Fielder guy will probably make him some money for a long time to come.

Game 25Tigers 6 - Twins 1

During all of this media reports surfaced that our benevolent chairman Joe Mauer was going through the worst hitting slump of his life. Going 0 for his last 20 entering play Tuesday night. These of course were salacious lies, Mauer (Bringer of Sun to the Snow Plagued Lands) in his infinite genius and wisdom has been redistributing feelings of honor and prosperity to other hitters in the Twins line-up.

"The chairman (praises be to him), has mercifully blessed me with the muscle mass to hit many doubles" reported young Eduardo Escobar, "he truly is the harbinger of victory and a bountiful harvest."

The Detroit Tygra Ace

Enemies still bow before Mauer (provider of Snow in Sun plagued lands). And fear his mighty eyes of laser precision that are the only true judge of strikes and balls (no matter what the puppet umpires of the capitalist conspiracy of pitchers tells you). Witness the Chairman's mighty single against the Man-Tiger Hybrid called Justin Verlander, the American League's greatest weapon of mass destruction.

The Chairman has vowed to honor all of those who have remained loyal to his greatness and destroy Thundera...I mean Comerica on his next visit, just as soon as he figures out why he wants to bomb Austin, Texas.

Game 26Twins 6 - Tigers 2

Having been bested by both Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander the Twins had hoped to get their offense going in the final game on Wednesday afternoon. Unfortunately they were facing Anibal Sanchez, whom the Twins announcers continue to insist on calling "Anna-belle" Sanchez. The image of Sanchez with a parasol, and a fan on the mound shouting out "I do declare!" was just too dang funny and they laughed their way to 9 strikes and a 3-2 lead thanks largely to swatting at balls while muttering "I don't give a damn".

Good goat...good goat.

Fortunately it was enough as Scott Diamond gave up only two runs and avoided Rich Anderson hugs long enough to get through 6 innings en route to another win and a return to .500!

Mr. Peanut Award: Kevin Correia (easily gave the most impressive single performance of the week...and I've been ignoring him too long...like Sally Field at the Oscars)Nutty Buddy: Joe Mauer (not that the chairman requires pity...but listing a Nutty Buddy has boosted the fortunes of others before...fingers crossed!)

No comments:

Post a Comment

Peanuts From Heaven

Our Founders

Welcome!

Welcome to our Twins blog. If you're looking for "facts" and "stats" you've come to the wrong place. If you're looking for sarcasm, threats of violence and illustrations involving the Beatles and the smoke monster from LOST, welcome!If you're just getting to know us, check out the Peanuts 101 Page at the top of the screen, and feel free to review our Declaration of Principles.

Disclaimer

Peanuts From Heaven Incorporated is a satirical website developed for personal amusement and with no malicious intent at all. If you are offended by what you see or read here please contact the authors who will sincerely apologize and bake you cookies...even if you're a Yankee.