Thursday, June 19, 2014

A lengthy discourse on the intricacies of maritime law.

Yesterday afternoon I slipped out for a ride on a rugged all-terrain bicycle.

It's a well-known law of physics that any bicycle photo posted on the Internet will attract negative commentary. I know this because I started a blog based on doing just that. Now, I'm going to complain about it, because another well-known law of physics is that bloggers are hypocrites.

For road bikes, negative bike commentary usually consists of inane yet odorless little Fred farts like "the bar tape should match the saddle" or "slam that stem!" (This sort of irritating mental flatulence is caused by consuming websites live "Velominati.") In the heady days of the fixie craze, dozens of people who had been riding bikes for less than three months would argue over whether a track bike's chain tension was correct. I'm not sure what the go-to recumbent complaint is, but I'm sure it happens with them too, and I'd imagine comments are along the lines of "that bike's too upright" and "the rider's head should be level with his scranus."

But when it comes to useless critiques, it's mountain bikes that attract the true dingbats.

*[Seriously, you haven't figured out all these tires are the same yet? Idiots.]

It seems especially futile to quibble over the finer points of a mountain bike given the endless variety of terrain in this world. Even within a single region one area might call for a completely different set of equipment than another, and that's not even accounting for the seasons or for each rider's individual preference and riding style. This is why mountain bike critiques are the lowest form of Internet bike dork wankerdom. It's like this guy:

Not that this stops the average Mountain Fred (or "Barney" as some call them), who will then move on from your locally-appropriate bike to critiquing your native environment and insulting you because "you don't have any real mountains where you live," as though you somehow singlehandedly "wussified" millions of years of geologic evolution, or that your average person who does not race bikes for a living should pick up and move in pursuit of Internet bragging rights.

I was thinking about this yesterday as I rode this bike, because as I headed off into the woods I noticed there was indeed something egregiously wrong with it:

I'm sure Mountain Freds have found fault with nearly every single component of this bicycle, including those not visible to the naked eye, but tellingly nobody noticed the only actual problem, with is that I had this thing on upside-down:

(Not my bike or my thumb.)

I must have done so the last time I switched the fork, and of course the upshot was that the caliper was angled all wrong and the pads were only grabbing like half the braking surface of the rotor. Oddly though, I've been riding it like this for months and noticed no adverse effects. The bike stopped fine--in fact, much more than fine. Moreover, when I stopped and re-installed it correctly I didn't notice much of an improvement.

My conclusion from all of this is two-fold: 1) I'm an idiot; 2) Internet Mountain Freds are even bigger idiots, because while they're worrying about my brake lever angle my fucking brake caliper is on wrong.

Or, to put it more elegantly, my idiocy is proof that people are idiots.

As for the Mountain Freds, their conclusions will be: 1) You didn't notice an improvement because your brakes suck in the first place, you need the Hydro RTX Vulvulator SLs running DOT 666 fluid cut with baby oil; 2) You didn't notice because you ride "woosie" trails that I could ride with my road bike; 3) You should move to British Columbia/The Rockies/The West Coast/The High Desert/The Swiss Alps/the Antarctic etc. where if you install your brake wrong you will die.

In any case, even though my brake was now correct the rest of the universe seemed somehow out of whack. Everything seemed to go slightly wrong for me after that, including when this enchanted tree grabbed me by the backpack and stopped me cold as I made my way through the little Hobbit habitat:

On the plus side, after the tree relinquished me I emerged from the Hobbit habitat with special powers, for on the way home I saw someone who was driving like an asshole. "What an asshole!," I thought. Then, a short while later, we both stopped at a red light and I noticed that the word "asshole" was keyed into the side of the car.

I was unable to obtain a photo because the light turned green a moment later, but I swear on the Lord Jesus Christ's "pants yabbies" that all of this is true.

Therefore, it's obvious to me that I now have the power to manifest my thoughts in physical form, and that I scrawled the world "asshole" on this douchebag's Nissan Rogue with my mind.

If you're wondering why this guy doesn't just switch to clipless pedals, it's because these conform to L'Eroica ride rules, which is like NJS for the wool jersey set:

Article 6 - Criteria for admissionOnly cyclists with "L’Eroica" bicycles will be permitted to participate.

"L’Eroica" bicycles are bicycles which have all the following characteristics:road racing bikes, built before 1987 (not cycle-cross or time trial bikes);steel frame (the only aluminium frame bikes permitted are ALAN or VITUS with either screwed or glued joints);gear shift levers on the down tube of the frame (exceptionally, only pre-1980 bar-end gear shifts are allowed);pedals with toe clips and fitted straps (quick release pedals are not allowed, except Cinelli M71 pedals);passage of brake cables outside the handlebars (the passage of cables inside the frame is acceptable);wheels must have at least 32 spokes with a low profile (less than 20 mm).

The wagging Retro-Fred heel is making you sleepy...very sleepy... Now, when you hear the rattly sound of a vintage derailleur moving a chain across a five-speed freewheel, you'll wake up and think you're Italian cycling great and noted centerfold model Fausto Coppi:

Why should adults have all the fun on bike share?Paris is launching bike share for kids, P'tit Vélib', in parks and designated areas throughout the city. A range of kids' bikes, from balance bikes to smaller step-through styles that resemble their larger counterparts with front baskets and full chainguards, will be available for children ages 2-8.

It makes me sad that something like this would never happen in America, where Gatorade is considered a juice, parents make their kids wear helments to play video games, and children gestate in minivans and eat McDonald's until they're 20, at which point they emerge with the protective layer of fat they need to survive in a country where people drive on the freaking pedestrian and bike paths:

"VDOT has modified procedures for access to the bridge, which restrict bridge tenders from utilizing vehicles for shift changes. Bridge tenders must now walk or utilize a motorized cart. When a vehicle is required, it will be accompanied by a walking spotter to identify any potential safety issues."

Motorized cart?!? Here's a crazy idea: if you work on a bike path, maybe try riding a fucking bike to work! Also, I'm glad to see they're conducting a thorough investigation:

The Virginia Department of Transportation confirmed Monday the driver of the car in Saturday’s accident is a bridge tender. VDOT says the contract employee has been placed on administrative leave while the agency investigates the accident.

Wow, the investigation has only just begun and already they know it was an accident. Something tells me that by the time they're finished they'll come to the conclusion that cyclists and pedestrians should be banned from the bridge and it should only be open to cars.

"Oddly though, I've been riding it like this for months and noticed no adverse effects. The bike stopped fine--in fact, much more than fine. Moreover, when I stopped and re-installed it correctly I didn't notice much of an improvement."

Not so odd. Friction force equals perpendicular force times coefficient of friction (static or dynamic as the case may be.) Area of contact has nothing to do with it.

Seriously, though (and not in any way am I exculpating the idiot bridge tender), doesn't it seem to take the cyclist a long time to notice the enormous SUV heading his way? The scream comes right at the last second.

Since you need someone to do it, Avid sucks. I know, I have three sets of them.

Sorry.

FWIW, I think your frame is beautiful, even if you can't hang the bits on it correctly. Everyone fucks up sometimes, or as I do, most of the time.

Oh yeah, and the Rockies? IIRC, you'll see soon enough how little you like being around thousands upon thousands of 'mountain bike brah' clones. "Just got this epic 27.5 all mountain rig, BRAH! Gonna SHRED!" I don't even have the energy to tell them to STFU anymore...

She-it, I could have placed so much higher, but I took a good amount of time to read up on that SUV/Cyclist jousting contest. From my understanding, VDOT workers *can* use the bridge while working...but a shift change doesn't sound like working - that guy/gal wasn't even on the clock yet. People suck donkey balls. I would have taken their keys and chucked them off the bridge. I mean, next up that guy had to deal with what looked like a whole family utilizing the pedestrian lane.

You're mtn bike is awesome. I have been toying with the idea of building up a 26er with a rigid fork and put a Schwalbe Hans Dampf on the front for some cushion. But then I just keep thinking I should put that money towards a fork that can lock out on my 29er. Then I think I should just spend that money towards a decent set of wheels for my road bike. OR a Brooks saddle for my commuter.

I can think of some better placements for those tassels that girl in the bikini has on her bike...

You didn't notice it for months - and you're sure it's the only actual problem with your bike. Right.

Oh and dude, your trails that you actually ride are so lame compared to the North Shore mountains in Vancouver that I could ride any time I wanted, but don't. Maybe if I had such lame trails near me, I'd actually ride them.

Finally, I'd jump on the bandwagon and say Avid sucks too, but then I learned how to align them and they're pretty good now.

I'll admit it, I'm a Fred. I go on a group ride most weekends. I wear stretchy clothes and clicky clown shoes. And now you have called me out Snob; I did l'Eroica. To be fair, I'm old enough that I raced in the 80's and still have that bike, in all it's battle scarred, toe clipped, friction shiftered, non-aero brake cabled retro-grouch goodness. So at least I didn't pull a Neo-Fred and spend $3K on a retro beast. That bike and I have history.

Also: toe clips do suck. Especially when you are used to a little free float in your cleats. I solved the problem the same way we did "back-in-the-day" and opened up the slot with a file.

Also,Also: l'Eroica is awesome. Italy is amazing. Several thousand people riding old bikes on gravel roads (and NOT dying), drinking wine and eating bread and cheese at rest stops is beautiful.

I'm like you snobbie I don't have any friends recumbent or otherwise so I don't know what they (recumbent riders) argue about. Although I would hazard to guess that we (recumbent riders) unanimously agree that our recumbent seats are much more comfortable than those awful wedgie pad things upright cyclists rest their scranuses on.

I once installed caliper brake pads on the side closest to the frame on the front and back. Had to deflate the tires every time I wanted to remove the wheels; the pads would contact the forks or seat stays when the brakes were released not allowing enough clearance to drop the wheels.

how serious are they about 'racing bike'...this baby has 700 x 32 tires, rack brazons & a 32 tooth 6th cog in back...will they deny me as a 'touring bike', or is it ok as an old double diamond steel bike (with a pie plate)

Its not a bike but on Memorial day I took off on my buddys jetting ski while dragging a 40 lb brick anchor around the bay. I was like DAMN THIS PIECE OF SHIT WILL NOT EVEN PLANE OUT. After some verbal abuse I said OH MY BOY WANTS TO RIDE ALSO BUT I WILL GO WITH HIM. His wife said OH YOU WILL GO WITH HIM? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE US FEEL BETTER?

I have trouble following your post, but I want to call it chapter 3...then in chapter 4, you shag HIS WIFE (who might be the narrators wife if all caps is another voice in the narrator's head)...in chapter 5 something unspeakable happens to the jet ski

All caps is a lazy mans way of doing quotes. I did not know it was anchored and putted off. I thought todays theme was Doing Idiotic Things. I did not mean to be confusing. FYI she has a very nice booty.

I don't understand the hate either, Leroy. In the snake picture there are clearly two reflections of disembodied feet and legs in the window. Proving you do have a riding companion, if that is you. Trouble is, I can't tell which one belongs to the Dog. For all the things he gets blamed for he must keep himself in excellent condition.

L'Eroica sounds like the perfect group ride. Add this. That the faster riders get to start first, finish first and go the fuck home so we don't have to hear them adrenaline scream every thought they have or listen to their bullshit while we are partying. Let's do this, Home Depot.

Total pass teh buck between State and local police and VDOT bureaucracy

Commentidiots actually think she hit the SUV on purpose to create a bike safety advocacy video

Here is the sign that excuses the SUV by < a href = "http://www.wvec.com/my-city/norfolk/Person-driving-in-pedestrian-lane-of-Berkley-Bridge-collides-with-bicyclist-263224301.html?gallery=y&img=2&c=y"> warning of VDOT vehicles

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!