Americans Are Fucking Less, Too.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Earlier this week, we told you how the Japanese weren’t boning. The problem was so major that experts predicted that the country’s population would shrink from 127 million to 87 million by the year 2060, and the nearly 30 percent projected drop caused the government to freak the fuck out. Officials were so desperate to not have its people die off that it offered financial incentives to its citizens to marry and pop out babies. But even with the idea of easy money, Japanese men and women were like, nah, I’m good before tipping their imaginary hats and going on their merry way.

While the idea of young and fit people so willingly wanting to not get laid seems odd, it looks like the no-fuck zone is a global issue because Americans aren’t doing any better. While TV shows and movies make Americans seem James Bond-level horny, it looks like most of them are happy to be observers and not doers, which is not the American way. I’m sure the ghost of George Washington weeps and a bald eagle dies every time someone chooses work or surfing the internet over actually fondling a real life, warm-blooded human being.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior said that American sexual frequency has been sliding since Pearl Jam played on the radio and Bill Clinton was getting intern blow jobs in the Oval Office. Back in the 1990s, adults averaged 60 to 62 sexual encounters a year, but now, American adults are only slapping skin annually less than 53 times. Across the country, the millennial generation is more obsessed with working on their side hustles and posting on Instagram than actually having a sex-filled life.

As our orange president would Tweet—Sad!

And it doesn’t matter whether or not Americans are partnered up or single. While you’d think that putting a ring on it would guarantee some bat and catcher action, data collected from 1989 to 2014 found that singles are spanking the married couples when it comes to how often they get sexed. This is pretty pathetic considering the fallen average already. All this data makes you wonder. What are married couples doing if not fucking? Is their Netflix and chill literally just Netflix and chill? Is Orange Is the New Black that much better than a quickie on the couch? (Hmm.. debatable. Depends on what season.)

While some experts on the young generation think that they’re tired, less happy, or too distracted by their smartphones, The Washington Post offered another reason as to why the number of sexual encounters have decreased. The publication said Americans overall were partnering up less than they did in the past. For instance, in 1986, 66% of adults lived with their lover, but in 2014, that number dipped to 59%. So by that logic, without a partner, then duh, people can’t have sex. But that doesn’t mean they can’t have a good time with themselves bopping the baloney or paddling the pink canoe.