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On Becoming Vibrant

Dear Mr Key
Down the pub the other night – the Cow & Pins, if you want to know – me and my mates fell to discussing Hooting Yard. Though we broadly approve of your work, we all agreed that, going forward, you need to be more diverse ‘n’ vibrant, in keeping with the diversity ‘n’ vibrancy everybody keeps going on about these days. So what are you going to do about it, chummy?
Tim Thurn

Dear Mr Thurn
Thank you for your measured letter. You may not have bothered to measure it before sending, but I took a tape measure to it as soon as I opened the envelope. It pains me to say it, but I suspect you are correct about the need to be more diverse ‘n’ vibrant. This is partly out of self-interest, as I am sure that if I could prove my diversity ‘n’ vibrancy I might become eligible for lots of grants from the kinds of organisations that hand out grants to diverse ‘n’ vibrant initiatives. Then I would be rolling in cash and could put my feet up while the diverse ‘n’ vibrant elves got on with all the hard work and drudgery that makes Hooting Yard such a well-loved community resource. I am stymied, however, by not knowing quite how to become diverse ‘n’ vibrant. Perhaps you and your mates could give me some tips?
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
We had a good old natter about your letter down at the Cow & Pins last night. We all agreed that elves were a good start if you intend to be more diverse going forward. A diverse intake of elves would be even better, so try to recruit different types. Somewhere there is a list of goblin types, and I’m sure you could adapt this for elves. Well done, and keep up the good work!
Tim Thurn

Dear Mr Thurn
I think you have misunderstood, perhaps wilfully, my earlier letter. I cannot afford to recruit a single elf until I get one of those lavish grants awarded to diverse ‘n’ vibrant community initiatives, but I can’t get a lavish grant until I prove how diverse ‘n’ vibrant I am. What a dilemma! Please resolve it.
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
I feel your pain, I really do. We all do, sat here in the snug of the Cow & Pins downing our pints. We had a long and detailed discussion about your case, and came to the view that you might be able to get a grant if you were vibrant. Then you could pay for some elves, and hey presto!, you’d be diverse too! Everybody wins.
Tim Thurn

Dear Mr Thurn
Many thanks for your considered advice. I would act on it immediately if I had the merest clue of what ‘vibrancy’ consists, precisely. The word is bandied about willy-nilly, but I confess I have never understood what on earth it means. Please explain.
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
You don’t need to know what it means, you just need to get with the programme, buster!
Tim Thurn

Dear Mr Thurn
Point taken. How?
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
I hope the following information is of help. Costa Coffee planned to open a branch in Totnes, home of the vilified undertakers’ mute. The company has now withdrawn from the fray after meeting objections from middle-class people. However, while their plans were still active, they issued a press statement saying they aimed “to add to the vibrancy of the town and support the local community … by adding vibrancy”. That is clear enough, Mr Key, so what’s stopping you?
Tim Thurn

Dear Mr Thurn
Now I have received your latest letter, all that is stopping me from becoming vibrant is my woeful lack of design skills. If I had the wit, I would immediately change the logo at the top of the page to read “Hooting Yard : A Website By Frank Key : Now With Added Vibrancy!” (I thought the addition of the exclamation mark would be a particularly vibrant masterstroke.) If I understand you correctly, I could then apply for a grant, on the basis of my vibrancy, then use that money to employ a gaggle of elves, if of course ‘gaggle’ is the correct collective noun for plural elves. I would then be both diverse ‘n’ vibrant and money would pour in to my coffers. Is that right?
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
Yes.
Tim Thurn

Dear Grant-Awarding Body
Hooting Yard is a diverse ‘n’ vibrant website going forward. Can I have a large amount of money please?
Frank Key

Dear Mr Key
No you may not. In order to qualify for a grant, you must not only be diverse ‘n’ vibrant going forward but robust ‘n’ transparent to boot.
A. Git

Dear Mr Thurn
Please see the enclosed letter from A. Git. I have an intractable problem, in that I am both puny and opaque. Do you have any suggestions?
Frank Key