HARLEY paces the
room, and then shrieks as she realizes CLARISSA was right.

HARLEY

Oh my god…

HARLEY & CLARISSA say
their next lines simultaneously.

CLARISSA

Let’s get out of here.

HARLEY

Let’s take her home!

CLARISSA & HARLEY

WHAT?ARE YOU
CRAZY!?

HARLEY

Don’t you see how amazeballs she is?

HARLEY grabs the
WOMAN’S hand…

WOMAN

Always be sure to have a clean pair of underwear!

CLARISSA

Ugh… I think I’m going to faint… or puke… or puke and
then faint into my puke… I can’t decide.

HARLEY grabs the
WOMAN’S hand again.

WOMAN

It looks like it’s about wine-thirty!

HARLEY

Whoah! She is like a gift shop plush animal… complete
with a button loaded with a butt load of catchphrases!

HARLEY presses the
button over and over…

WOMAN (feel free to
add and/or replace phrases)

You bet your sweet bippy!

Klaatu barada nikto

Whatchoo talkin about Willis?

Is that your final answer?

I could have used a little more cowbell.

Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I want to go to there.

Are you the key master?

Dammit Jim, I’m a mother… not a doctor!

CLARISSA
STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

WOMAN

Don’t have a cow, man…

HARLEY

Yeah, what she said.

CLARISSA

Screw this! I’m out of here!

Then we hear the
creaking, possibly that of a LARGE DOOR
opening.

HARLEY

Did you hear that?

CLARISSA

Yeah, I heard that.

HARLEY

I think somebody is coming.

CLARISSA

Oh? You think so?

The door shuts.

CLARISSA & HARLEY

Crap!

The girls scramble,
run a couple of laps around the couch, and then eventually situate themselves
on the couch with the WOMAN sitting
between them.

CLARISSA

Oh no…

HARLEY

Chill out, Clarissa.

CLARISSA
Somebody… is… coming…

A MAN enters the room and he immediately notices
there is something “off” in the vicinity of the couch.He circles the couch a couple of times,
closely inspecting HARLEY and CLARISSA as he does.

MAN

Hmmmm…

TheMAN exits
the room.

HARLEY

Let’s get out of here.

CLARISSA

Welcome to what I was thinking 10 minutes ago.

The girls attempt
to sneak out of the room/building.

As the girls are
making their exit they don’t notice that THE MAN has re-entered on the opposite side of the room.

MAN

Can I help you two with something?

HARLEY & CLARISSA

Who us?

MAN

No, I’m talking to the other pair of teenage girls who
are illegally trespassing on private property.

HARLEY

Oh? This is your
place?

MAN

Uh huh.

CLARISSA

And this is your… wife?

MAN

Wife?Uh, no…
that’s Laura… my - - my mom.

HARLEY
Norman Bates, eat your heart out.

CLARISSA

Harley… let’s not anger the nice man, who is just going
to let us go, even though he caught us loitering on what is very obviously his
property.

HARLEY

Maybe he should be nicer to us?Or we’ll just call the cops and tell them
about the wackjob with a talking corpse in his warehouse.

HARLEY pulls a
cellphone from her pocket.

MAN

Good luck, getting a signal out of here.That’s one of the reasons I chose this
building.I wanted to be left ALONE. As for Laura there… this was all her
idea.I’m just a doting son, trying to
carry out his mother’s dying wish… 20 years later. HARLEY & CLARISSAHer idea?

MAN

Years ago, when I was still a young lad, my mother came
to me and she said “Vincent, when I die, I don’t want to be buried, I don’t
want to be cremated, I don’t even want to be frozen like Walt Disney.Vincent, what I want is to be stuffed, like a
museum bison!”

HARLEY

Yikes.

MAN

Right?But I was a
kid, I thought she was just being “silly old mom” but over the years, she kept
insisting that she when her time came, she wanted this very non-traditional
procedure.Of course over the years she
kept requesting upgrades… a voice box with multiple catchphrases, motion
detector eyes… y’know stuff like that.

CLARISSA

You couldn’t have just said no?

MAN

Not to my mom.No
way.After high school I began studying
various embalming techniques and animatronic methods… and then about 15 years
ago it happened… CLARISSA & HARLEYWhat happened?

MAN

I lost my mommy… CLARISSA & HARLEYAwww…. MANIt was an accident.An UNECESSARY CAR ACCIDENT!There
was no need for her to leave the house that day.Why did she have to be such a good
mother?Why did I have to be such a
terrible son?

HARLEY

It’s not your fault…

MAN

Oh, but it is.It
was my birthday and in lieu of cake I asked her to prepare her delicious
chocolate mousse , she was prepping her cooking materials, when she realized…
she didn’t have a blender.I told her
that it was okay, I’d settle for a traditional cake.But she insisted on running out and buying
that goddamn blender…

HARLEY

Well, if she
insisted…

CLARISSA

Harley… shut up.

MAN

She didn’t even make it to the store.Some guy zipped through a red light, he
wasn’t even paying attention to the road… he was just “fiddling with his
radio.”

Friday, December 30, 2011

I came in 3rd for the first annual HEY! LOOK AT MY TOYS! ACTION FIGURE NATIVITY SCENE contest. I thought it might be nice to do a key of some kind for those who were curious about any of the figures in my photo.

1. The Angel is a BUZZ-OFF action figure from Mattel's 2002 Masters of the Universe line.

2. The Virgin Mary is being portrayed by Jenna Jameson. Are you shocked that they made a Jenna Jameson action figure? Shocked that I own one? Or shocked at how NOT shocked you are that I own one?

3. Joseph - He am Bizarro from the 90s animated Superman series.

4. Baby Jesus had chosen the form of the destructor... a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man minimate.

5. The 3 wise men are: Beldaar Conehead, Earthworm Jim, and the Buddy Christ - in santa hats! The Buddy Christ in the Santa hat... works on so many levels.

6. The Little Drummer Boy is the drummer from the world famous CALIFORNIA RAISINS.

7. The Dinosaur comes courtesy of Fischer-Price.

8. PANTHOR is from the current Masters of the Universe Classics collection I had really hope to avoid using multiple toys from the same toylines... but I only cheated a little with this one and the ol' bee man.

9. The dog is from the classic Fischer-Price Little People series. This style was retired twenty-some years ago... but still rocks today, compared to what FP calls Little People these days.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

If there is one line of toys that I am disappointed never happened it's got to be SPACEBALLS: THE ACTION FIGURES! I mean c'mon... they were in the actual movie... and nothing! We got nothing!

Then during the late 90s/early 00s craze of toy companies picking up licenses for all sorts of 80s films: Beetlejuice, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Bob & Doug McKenzie, etc., etc. etc. I thought for sure one of those franchises would have to be SPACEBALLS. And still we got bupkis.

I mean come on... couldn't they have at least been an FAO SHWARZ exclusive? See what I did there?

Shit! I hate it when my SCHWARTZ gets twisted!

And then with the announcement of an animated SPACEBALLS series... my hopes were once again to be risen... only to be dashed when I actually saw an episode of the show.

﻿﻿﻿

Dear God... it was awful.

﻿﻿ I guess little plastic versions of Barf, Dark Helmet, Princess Vespa, Lone Star and Yogurt were just never meant to be.

That is, of course, unless they finally get around to making SPACEBALLS 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPACEBALLS 2. ﻿Rick Moranis would probably come out of retirement for that, right?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

For the uninitiated let me explain Diamond Comics' PREVIEWS catalog. The PREVIEWS catalog is a monthly publishing offered to comic book stores that allows them a sneak peek at upcoming items. For comic books it's usually 2 months in advance. For other stuff it can sometimes be 4, 6 or even 12 months before some of the toys, graphic novel collections, statues, etc. will see the light of day.

Fortunately my local comic book store gives regular customers, like myself, one of these catalogs for FREE. Which is great, because some stores will charge you the 4.95 cover price... no matter how much you spend in their store.

I used to refer to new PREVIEWS day as a monthly Christmas. In the late 90s the thing was practically phone book sized. These days it is about the size of a large magazine. Which means it still filled with all kinds of crazy stuff. I have decided to start a regular column here about some of the CRAZIER shit I find in the pages of PREVIEWS. This first entry features items from the JULY catalog for items shipping in September 2011.

"I'M BACON!"

Let's kick it off with a little item called MY FIRST BACON! Why not? MFB is a googly-eyed, 19" plush toy in the form of a bacon strip! Ooh... and he talks too! The only thing that would make this better is if he were edible. (SRP $20)

If anthropomorphic pork products aren't your thing... perhaps I can interest you in a DISCO BALL SHAPED LIKE A SKULL?! (SRP $50)

This is either the creepiest dance club accessory everOR the coolest Skeletor variant Mattel has come up with thus far!

I usually roll my eyes when I see those pricey inflatable yard decorations people put in their yeards for Christmas or Halloween... but this... this... I would want.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Just looking over my comic book order for SEPTEMBER 2011 I see I have requested EIGHTEEN books that are kicking off with issue ONE! Most of this is due to the relaunch/reboot/recycling of the DC Comics' Universe... in which the month of September will see 52 brand spanking new #1 issues.

However there are some other noteworthy #1 releases that are not being released by the folks at DC. I thought that I might direct your atttention towards a few of them.

In September DARK HORSE kicks off season 9 of it's BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER comic book. Season 8 ran for 40 issues, will season 9 be equal in length? Only creator Joss Whedon probably knows for certain. Prior to season 9's launch in September, August sees the debut of ANGEL & FAITH #1... and you may be surprised to learn that this Buffy-verse spinoff is an ongoing series. Huh. Who saw that one coming?

Not this Slayer fan that's for sure. However I am highly pleased that the entire crew of the Buffy-verse is back under one publisher. Hopefully the stories will be good enough to erase some of the memories of IDW's ANGEL season 6. WTF was up with that goldfish, anyway?

Who ya gonna call in September? That's right... it is finally here, the debut of an ongoing GHOSTBUSTERS comic book series from the folks at IDW.

With GB fan favorite artist Dan Schoening handling the interiors, and at least one of the slew of variant covers that will be available for each issue. IDW has announced that each issue will feature a "classic album" variant cover by artist Nick Runge. Issue 1 is an homage to KISS. Issue 2 features the GBs walking down Abbey Road. And issue 3 pays tribute to the cover of Queen's second album QUEEN II, an image also later made famous in their Bohemian Rhapsody video.

As I've written and vlogged before, the GHOSTBUSTERS comics so far, have been hit or miss for me. If you can find 'em... track down the "Legion" four issue GB mini-series from 88MPH Studios. And IDWs "Displaced Agression" four parter is pretty decent too.

The monthly GB comic will also include regular backup material, in the form of case files being reviewed by Walter "Dickless" Peck.

The success of a book like GHOSTBUSTERS depends highly on sales, particularly pre-sales, so I encourage you to find your nearest comic book shop and pre-order your monthly GHOSTBUSTERS fix. Perhaps one of each cover... just to make it safe.

IDW is also launching (tee hee) a new ongoing STAR TREK comic in September. This monthly series is set in the continuity of the 2009 film and will take a look at the new Enterprise crew as they embark on missions that re-imagine stories from the original tv series.

Along with GHOSTBUSTERS and STAR TREK... IDW is introducing a new TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES
comic. Issue 1 actually hits in August, with issue 2 scheduled for September. Original TMNT creator Kevin Eastman is co-writing the series. In addition to these new TMNT adventures, IDW will also be reprinting many of the hard to find original TMNT books into collectible hardcovers. RADICAL!

﻿

Sheesh! Is nothing sacred?!

Naturally my order form also includes many (ELEVEN) of the relaunched DC titles. As a comic book nerd I can't help it. You've got to admit it'll be kind of cool to have NEW #1 issues of books like Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, etc. However I am kind of disappointed that the new costume designs mean the demise of Superman's little red undies.

I know most fanboys hate the red "outer shorts", ehhh... but I've always kind of liked them, of course a lot of fanboys just outright hate Superman... come to think of it, too many of them seem to focus on the crimson britches.

Though I have a feeling with a new SUPERMAN movie scheduled for theatres for the Holiday 2012 season... Superman's "classic" look won't remain gone for long.

I've been reading comics for about 33 of my 36 years. This "reset" or similar gimmicks have been done before... only for everything to go back to the way it was... eventually. Let's call it... THE NEW COKE EFFECT. I must say that I have been rather amused by some of the outrage and breakdowns this event has caused for some of the geek community. I wish I could sit them down and tell them to relax... afterall... It's just comics man!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Well... I started a regular feature here about awful toys that got made. Now I'm going to start another one about toys that I am still waiting for TO BE MADE!

For a long time it was pretty difficult to find toys/action figures based on anything that was not directly aimed at kids. 'R' rated horror movies? Forget it! Fans longed for articulated plastic versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, Leatherface, Pokerface... er, uh...

Then came the late 90s and companies like McFarlane toys, NECA, Mezco, Palisades... and suddenly movie properties that had been previously ignored started filling up the toy aisles everywhere... well mostly at places like Suncoast, Hastings, Spencer Gifts, and Game Stop stores. But still! They were there! In our grubby toy collecting mitts!

For years we clamored for a figure of Ash (Bruce Campbell) from the Evil Dead films. And McFarlane toys came through... not just with Ash, but also BAD ASH... and 18" talking Ash... even a Good vs Bad Ash 2-pack! Then Mezco came through with all kinds of stuff... cutesy little Army of Darkness mezitz... Palisades even attempted a 4" collectible line. Then NECA took the license and gave us S-Mart Ash and Medeival Ash.

Clearly the toy world has run out of ideas. Or have they?

Ever since the horror movie toy craze began with McFarlane's MOVIE MANIACS line I have been praying to the molded plastic Gods for a figure/puppet/dioarama of some kind featuring that MEAN GREEN MOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE... Audrey II!

AUDREY II is one of the greatest cinematical special effects achievments, pre or post CGI, in this blogger's humble opinion. Of course in the film the plant goes through several stages from tiny pod to a towering toothy terror. ﻿﻿

You will earn $35.98 in ebay bucks. I bet you will... I bet you will...

﻿﻿

HOLY SHIT! Look what I just found on eBay!!! Anybody got $2000 I can borrow?

So... where's my Audrey II toy? I want a miniature replica of that killer plant in his meanest greenest form as seen at the end of Little Shop of Horrors! It's be great if it were some kind of puppet or animatronic thing. Just somebody get on it... STAT!
________________________________

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunday June 26th, 2011 saw the series finale of LAW and ORDER: CRIMINAL INTENT as well as the departure of Vincent D'onofrio's Det. Robert Goren from television's vast landscape of quirky detectives. Or so, as before, we've been led to believe. (More on that later.)

On September 30th, 2001 L&O:CI began on NBC as the second spinoff of the L&O mothership. The show quickly dominated it's timeslot, and did so for 3 seasons... until that damn Housewives show began on ABC in 2004. Beginning with season 7 the show was moved to the NBCUniversal-owned USA cable network, as a budget sharing measure, due to the series' declining ratings.

The seventh season became the highest rated show on cable and quadrupled USA's previous Thursday night ratings. So naturally for season 8 they moved the show to Sundays.

I will admit that I was not always a fan or even a viewer of L&O:CI. An avid television watcher, even I recognize I watch too much tv, so some things fall by the wayside. It didn't help that prior to season 5 it was announced that actor Vincent D'onofrio would be cutting back his Goren duties to every-other episode of the show. Chris Noth, portraying his Det. Mike Logan character from the original L&O, filled in on the the non-Goren episodes.

Initially I scoffed at reports of D'onofrio's fatigue. "Hmmmmph. Actors." But it turns out it was actually pretty serious - he was hospitalized in 2004 for nervous exhaustion.

When I ultimately became hooked on the show, I grew to see how depicting a character like Det. Robert Goren could be physically and emotionally grueling for an actor, especially one as skilled as Mr. D.

My love of L&O:CI and Det. Goren began in 2009 after being unemployed for over a year. My L&O addiction began with the original flavor L&O classic which I discovered was on somewhere just about every day of the week - particularly on cable's TNT - which features mini-marathons on Saturday and Sunday mornings. When those ended I could usually count on L&O:SVU being on the USA network and then one Saturday I stumbled upon another mini-marathon, this time of Criminal Intent on WGN America. It wasn't long before I realized that Mondays on the USA network usually feature a good 8 to 10 hours of Intent.

After that it was Man Crush City for me and Detective Goren.

Goren is most frequently compared to the most masterful of Detectives... BATMAN! Er, uh... Sherlock Holmes. ﻿ While Goren is sensitive and vulnerable. He does carry the Holmes-ian qualities of being a quirky and extraordinarily intelligent investigator/criminal profiler. Goren typically employs his knowledge of an enormous range of topics: physics, chemistry, literature, history, psychology, (multiple) foreign languages, pop culture and currrent events. It's obvious that Robert Goren is a man who spends any of his free time studying.

One of my favorite examples is from an episode where Goren notices a murder victim has an unordinary amount of nickels... he quickly deduces that the microfiche machines at the library require nickels and that the library would be a great place to investigate the case further.

Goren's analytical approach, at time, resembles that of a high functioning autistic or someone with extremely high OCD. Though both detectives display arrogance, Goren makes his living as a detective in NYC's "Major Case Squad" while Holmes only focused on cases that he considered to be complex (paging...Dr. House!).

Goren's partner Alexandra Eames often serves as his Dr. Watson. She is actually the lead detective in all of the duo's cases, since Goren's methods are often considered peculiar or outlandish by the higher-ups at 1PP. While their relationship is quite businesslike, the pair also frequently play husband and wife during their investigations. During those times when Eames notices Goren is under stress, she will address him by his less formal name "Bobby".

Goren even has a Moriarty of his very own. Nicole Wallace (portrayed by Olivia D'abo) appeared in several episodes over the show's run.

﻿

Professor Moriarty, I presume?

Goren also likes to toy with "persons of interest" as he questions them. Frequently he will play off his looks, as the big lug, by being obtuse or immature. It's a blast to see him play with people's minds like putty. Often he is many steps ahead of them, when some of these schmucks think they've got the upper hand.

There are many theories about what occured after season 8 of Intent. Chris Noth left the show after season 7 and quirkmeister Jeff Goldblum was brought in to take over. While Jeff Goldblum is another actor I enjoy watching, but his Detective Zack Nichols character was no Robert Goren.

However the duo appeared in the two part season 9 premiere. For me, it was a very emotional moment at the end of part two when Detective Goren is forced out of his job. I teared up every time I caught that part.

After season 9, for whatever reason, Goldblum decided he was done with the show. Nobody was sure what would happen to L&O:CI... most of us thought it was done. Stick a fork in it. Then, SUDDENLY, on September 21st 2010 it was announced that D'ONOFRIO IS BACK on L&O:CI, BABY! For a shortened final season of 8 episodes.

They weren't the best episiodes that Criminal Intent had produced. One thing I did love about season 10, were the therapy sessions Goren was required to take as part of his reinstatement. In fact I wish we'd gotten a little MORE of that, and a lot less of the "ripped from the headlines" cases featured in each episode.

At least this time Goren got more of an upbeat ending. I still teared up, but mostly because I was proud of how much progress "Bobby" had made in these final 8 episodes.

There was talk that season 10 may not be THE END. However the USA Network seems pretty determined that the show has now seen it's SERIES finale.

I think it would be great if Goren and company returned once in a while for some Criminal Intent tv movies. Or better yet a NEW series, where Goren leaves the NYPD and goes out on his own as a private eye/detective. Leaving the sometimes stiff L&O framework... and allowing the stories to be more Goren-esque. But that's probably a pipe dream. And maybe it's better that way. Goren's adventures will have to continue in my head... they're probably better in there anyway.