Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

control issues

It didn't occure to me until just this morning how controlling this is.

I have believed most of my life that the worst thing I can do is offend someone I love and that saying "no" to someone I love is the most offensive and inconsiderate thing ever.

Now as a child, I can see the importance of not saying "no" to your parents, particularly when they are disciplining you because that is a matter of respect. But as a child your parents really are in control, because it is their house, and they are in charge of the well being of their kids.

Clearly the child grows up some day and at some point has to take control over their own life. So there has to be a transition at some point when it comes to control -- does anyone know what a "healthy" transition looks like?

I wish I knew-I never had a &quot;healthy&quot; transition-I went from mom and dads rules(they were pretty strict) to my 1st husb. rules(jealous, insecure, alcoholic, abusive) and then to divorce, drugs, depression---here I am today. I will be VERY interested in seeing the replies you get to your question. I wonder if I've done enough for my own son to be able to control his own life.....since I didn't &quot;transition&quot; very well from one chapter of life to the next...I wonder what effect that will have on my son......Thanks for such an interesting question!!

When we grow up and leave home we have the right to say NO and have that be respected. I have this saying I heard long ago. &quot;No is a full sentence.&quot; We don't always have to explain ourselves either.

No is also a very loving word. And NO protects us and helps us to maintain healthy boundaries.

I think we just begin by taking good care of ourselves. We seek therapy if needed and we reach out to others that understand.
EllaBlue

Well in my developmental class and I think most parents want to be authoritative rather than authoritarian--but I think somewhere I remember learning that giving children choices is highly effective. I know with my young teeagers it's come down to &quot;I did not tell you no-you chose to not do your chores so you also chose not to go&quot;. Ummm if you google erik erickson--stages of transition--and developmental stuff--very inspiring for me anyway! *hugs*

Good parenting is helping your children stand on their own two feet and letting them go into the world. They should let this process unfold gradually, accelerating in the teens. Your parents seem to expect to want to relate to the same way to you forever.

They take up way too much space in your mind hoops. Maybe you need a break from them entirely for yourself. For them, it will be a lesson that they need to deal with you as a separate person, or not at all.

I'm just thinking here Hoops, but I think because of what you have lived through, the violation of your boundaries with your mom, you know all too well what it feels like when someone steps over your boundary line. Well, I'll just bet that your are extra cautious about doing that with your kids.
When you became an adult your mother's job of seeing that you got off to a good start into the world was essentially finished. She isn't to try to reap a reward for that. It was her God given responsibility. What do you owe her? Honor, is what the Bible talks about. Can you honor her from a distance? You bet. I know SHE won't consider it an honoring step for you to stop running when she calls, but it is. You would be doing this for the both of you. The hope is that when she sees healthy boundaries being enforced, she will follow suit, and begin to exasmine how she got have those feelings of such desperate need of you in the first place.
That's all i got for now hoops. Lucy

Oh, I see, hoops. Sorry. Well, I think kids should be allowed to tell parents how they feel, so long as it is done in a honest, assertive, but not disrepectful way. Doesn't mean they will get their way, but they will at least get to express their feelings. Some parents also need saying no to, as when they pressure their kids to live out the parents' dreams, something I've seen a lot.

So, I think it is gradual and age-appropriate continuum, rather than a transition. Albeit a big change does come when they go to college. That is why they need to be ready to handle the reins.

agree completely with no one left. our job is to teach them how to fly and nudge them out of the nest.

unconditional love and an opportunity to be authentic go a long way in giving children a chance to be themselves.

i try to give them choices...i find myself saying &quot;sometimes you have a choice and sometimes you don't. this is/is not negotiable&quot;

i have a meditation cd that says &quot;mistakes simply require correction, not punishment&quot;
i believe that. i give my children an opportunity to correct their mistake and learn from it before there is any punishment...i tell them when i make a mistake and i apologize. i tell them that life is not perfect and to expect it to be is bound to disappoint them.
i try to encourage self expression and self love.

i did tell my daughter tonight that i will not be &quot;mad&quot; at her if she tells me the truth about something. that i will give her an opportunity to correct whatever it is that is screwed up. that i will be &quot;mad&quot; if she lies to me and that most likely i will know if she lies to me.
i told her one bad grade was not a big deal on a cosmic scale, truly, that i wasn't upset.
i told her that when i was a child i lied to my parents (as she does to her father)because i was afraid of their response. because i was afraid they wouldn't love me if i told them the truth.
i told her i didn't want our relationship to be like that.
so, we will see......

the best laid plans of mice and men.

all we can do is do our best to give them some kind of healthy foundation so that when they are on their own they don't go apeshit with their newfound freedom.

Don't be so hard on yourself mom! The fact that you are thinking about this showes that you are sensitive with good intentions, that's a good thing. I think that our job as parents is to create a protected secure palce for our children to grow and experence. We have rules and boundarys and say &quot;NO&quot; simply because at this point we have the life experience that allowes us to have foresight and predict the consequences of our actions. Children don't have this ability yet just because they havn't been around long enough to have the aquired the experiences the afford us good judgement. Sometimes the only way to give them what they need is to say no. I think that the best transition to hope for is to have instilled a high level of self confidance in them, which is hard to do for those of us who have issues with that already. If we can teach them that they came here with everything that they need, and already have what it takes to be to be successful, because these things are inate and just have to be nurtured, then the transition will be a very natural and easy one. Way easer said than done, I know! Good luck!

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

All content posted on this site is the responsibility of the party posting such content.
Participation on this site by a party does not imply endorsement of any other party's content,
products, or services. Content should not be used for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.