OK i have just found my English book which had a old short story I wrote last year. I wanted to know what you think of it, please give me some improvements i can make. This story is quite gory and is about a man who robs a bank, who eventually meets his death.
Thanks :D

XxHarryxX

05-05-11, 21:28

I awoke over deep heavy breathing, and a sound of a loud and deep voice, echoing into the darkness of the room. I was terrified; I got up of the rough and filthy bed, and sputtered out the dust which clogged my throat. I croaked for help into nothingness, and found no reply, except from the scuttles of animals in the walls. It took me a few unsure and unstable moments, for my eyes to adjust to the feared darkness. When they did, hell was unleashed.
There was blood everywhere, two big four pane broken windows were stood, parallel to each over, on the walls, the curtains and the bed sheets were caked in dried blood, they were reaching out to me in the wind. I sat up in my bed and realised that the sheets and curtains were not the only things that were reaching out to me; there was my closest friend Mr. Calloway sitting on the floor ahead of me, staring blankly through his light blue distressed eyes, strong as he was he had not escaped hell.
I then found that he only had one leg and no arms, with bloody stripped flesh hanging of them. I try to scream, but he hushes me by shaking his head, and tells me to run. I then swing round and see a deformed claw curving towards me in the corner of the blood stained room, it starts to move towards me, and I see the sick twisted face of who would become the murderer of me and Mr. Calloway, in the shining moonlight. I scream for forgiveness, but I know it’s too late; I bow my head and take my pain filled punishment, which I knew would come someday...

4 weeks earlier

Bang! I shoot my shining cold steel metal gun in the air, as the smoke rises into the sky. I stare at all the screaming and chaos around me, I then see Mr. Calloway, his soft blonde hair, bounces about as he jumps into action calming everyone down; he then gives me a quick sneaky wink. I then sprint to the bank vault, while I am running, I slip open the zip of my back pack and I reach my hand inside I feel something smooth and hard, I pull it out… it’s a C4 Explosive.
I connect the two red wires to each over; a red light glows on the control. I drop the explosive and run behind a wall. My heartbeats like a Jack hammer and then…………Boom!
I twist my head round the corner and I see a hole in a wall, which was where the vault door used to be. Now there is just a mountain of scrap metal. I run through the smoke and I see piles of solid gold bars, shining through the smoke like golden stars in the night. I give myself a quick smile and shout out to Mr. Calloway.
I’m stuffing gold bars into my back pack until I hear a gunshot echo through my ears, I then here a ear deafening scream come from the room in which Mr. Calloway was keeping everyone hostage. I run to the wall, which is separating the vault room to the main room, I shift along the wall until I get to the end and turn my head around the corner, to find Mr. Calloway with his gun pointing at one of the hostages, and a horde of Police offices surrounding him, with there guns pointed.
“Put your guns down and nobody will get hurt.” Screams Mr. Calloway, with his deep voice, edging closer to the exit.
With my adrenaline pumping, I sprint to one of the hostage’s sons and put my gun at his head. He screams and starts to cry, his mother then spins around to see me pointing my gun at her son’s head, and she sprints at me with her teeth gritted together and tears flowing from her eyes. I grab her child around the neck and point the gun at his mother. Even though I am threatening her, she lets out a scream and starts to claw at my face, like a lion on its prey. I cannot withhold the pain, so I burst out into a rage and pull my trigger on her. Bang! The crack of the gun echoes around the room, then everything goes silent.
The boy drops to his knees and screams at me with pure hatred, I then stare at the life I just took, she lays there lifeless on the floor with a hole through her chest, blood pouring out like a fountain. When I regain my senses I look to my right to see Mr. Calloway still edging towards the exit with only a few more metres to go. He then looks at me giving me signals to follow him. I grab the crying child by the neck and hold him close with my gun pointed, I then edge closer to the exit like Mr. Calloway, as I do so I eyeball the police, showing them I will not hesitate to shoot the devastated boy.
Mr. Calloway reaches the exit, with a sigh of relief he turns his head towards me gives me a wink and a smile, then he jumps through the door. As he made it out of this hell hole it gives me confidence that I can make it as well. I start to move faster, now and then losing my concentration on the door to check on the police officers. When I finally reach the exit I give a smile to the police offices and then shout out “See you later suckers!”
I then kick open the door and breath in some fresh air. I look around and find that Mr. Calloway is not there. I stand around for awhile dragging the sniffling boy with me. I start to walk off down the road, until I see an American model car, with a smashed window, screech down the road and brake right next to me. I look through the smashed window and see the scared face of Mr. Calloway “Going anywhere?” smiles Mr. Calloway. I share him a quick smile and throw the boy into the back seat next to Mr. Callaway’s hostage. I jump into the passenger’s seat and Mr. Calloway puts his foot on the pedal, the car tears down the highway.
We’re half way to Mr. Calloway’s safe house, when I remember to put a mask on the hostages, so they don’t know where we are about to go, so I reach into my back pack and run my hand over the heavenly gold and grab out to dust bin bags. I look into the back seats and smile at the hostages tear infested face, I reach into the back and wrap it around their heads, then tighten it. I feel Mr. Calloway strong bony finger poke me on the shoulder and he whispers to me “We got to go.”
I spin my head round and give him a smile and ask “Why?”
He lifts up his quivering finger and points towards a wall of police cars. I let a yelp, dive for my back pack and my gun, I then kick open the door. We then sprint to an alley way, I then hear gunshots which pierce through the wind, like in slow motion I see bullets fly in front of me. I return some blind fire with my gun, when we reach the safety of the alley way, I nod my head to an opening straight ahead of us. He nods back sprinting to the opening, when we are half way there we see a small figure of a person get in the way of our escape, I start to scream “Move or I’ll shoot” as I get closer I make out a small boy around five years old with a iron man helmet on, he shouts with a tiny high pitched voice “No!” I start to cry as I come a few meters away from the boy, I look behind me and I see hordes of police swarm towards us with their guns held up aiming at us. I lose patients and I aim my gun at the boy as tears swell my eyes my finger starts to pull the trigger I hear a man’s scream chill down my spine, the words “No!”
Without losing concentration I pull the trigger. Boom! Tears flood my eyes and I scream out into the heavens! I then turn my head to the man who is crouching beside the bloody mess on the floor, screaming why repeatedly. That makes me cry more, I put my hand on his shoulder and whisper “Sorry” He then screams at me “Why? Why did you do this to me?” he carries on screaming at me but my attention is drawn to Mr. Calloway he hisses “We got to go”
“No” I bellow to him.
“We got to go now Thomas!” He bellows back.
“I can’t. You go by yourself!” I scream to him
“I’m not leaving you.” He cries.
We both fall into each over’s arms, after a few minutes sobbing, we hear police officers slowly approach us. We turn our heads and put out are hands.
Freezing I breathe out onto my hands trying to warm myself up “What was I thinking?” I cry.
“It’s done, don’t worry. That’s the past.” Mr. Calloway gives me a comforting smile.
I smile back, the door slams open a man in a black suit and slick dark black hair says “Welcome to old bailey crown court gentlemen.”
We get lead by the man to a majestic door on either side there are marble pillars standing taller than trees. As I walk in, with a sick feeling in my stomach, I see the curtains and furniture are dressed in royal red and gold colours. We walk through another pair of wooden doors, through them there are floods of people shouting at each over, an usher then enforces silence over the room. When silence is withheld all eyes are on me and Mr. Calloway, when the usher leads me to my sit, I feel a slight of relief to sit down on a comfortable chair, but I twitch and fidget in my sit because of the uncomfortable eyes staring straight at me. The whole event carries on with witness statements and some of the crowd jumps out of there sits gasping, when witness tells of me killing the hostage’s mother. They give me a life sentence to prison; I fall off my chair and puke all over myself and the floor, which floods everywhere.
When we get led back to our car which will take us to prison, Mr. Calloway sarcastically says “That could have gone better.” with a smile on his face. I look at him disgusted and spit on the floor.
“This isn’t a joke!” I scream at him. “We just got sentenced for life!”
He just laughs and walks off.
We have been travelling for about an hour until we come to a sudden stop. I look around suspicious, so does Mr. Calloway. The doors of the van swing open, a man in a balaclava with a tracksuit on, his standing there menacingly with a threatening baseball bat in his hand. I and Mr. Calloway try to shake our handcuffs off, but we know they won’t budge. He walks slowly up to Mr. Calloway and swings his baseball back, and then he swings it forward with pure hatred and force. Mr. Calloway just collapses backwards ... Knocked out. He then looks at me with baleful eyes, swings the bat forward, the next thing I see is blackness.
I wake up my heart is racing, pumping faster and faster. I feel tears roll down my cheeks, fearing what is to come. I see a figure in the corner, next to a crumbling bookshelf. As I come closer, I see my closest friend Mr. Calloway, rotting, with his limbs torn apart.
I hear a scuttling sound to my left, when I turn, I see a filth infested rat crawl into the feared shadows. I return to the screaming Mr. Calloway who forces out his last words “Run!” He breathes his last breath, I cry “Why? Why did you do this to me?” I cry into my friends shoulders, reminiscing all the good times and bad times. I regain Mr. Calloway’s last words. I then try to work out who has done this to me and Mr. Calloway. The owner of the bank?
I swing around and go face to face with my murderer. I felt his baleful eyes chill down my spine, which seemed paralysing in his presence. For those petrified seconds, I cast my mind back, to where I pulled my guns trigger on his innocent child.
He then lifts up a shining dagger gleaming like a star in the dark, he readies to take my life, he begins to draw it back down, anger overspreads his face, and his eyes glow like hot coals. I bow my head and take my punishment.

xXhayleyroxXx

05-05-11, 21:45

Its very powerful :) I like how it starts and finishes the same way and how descriptive the writing and character bonds are.
The only thing I would improve is the first sentence ~ you write deep twice to describe things.

XxHarryxX

05-05-11, 22:18

Thank you
I have also seen ur singing, u have a beutiful voice

xXhayleyroxXx

05-05-11, 23:31

Thank you
I have also seen ur singing, u have a beutiful voice

no problem ^_^ and thanks :D <3

Dia2blo

06-05-11, 02:16

There are some spelling and grammatical errors littered throughout, but overall I enjoyed it :)