Friday, March 17, 2006

Bush Names New Interior Secretary

WASHINGTON — President Bush nominated infinitely rapacious cosmic entity Galactus on Thursday to be his new interior secretary.

If confirmed by the Senate, Galactus, 11 Billion, will replace Gale Norton, who resigned last week.

Bush said Galactus, Third Force of the Universe and Devourer of Worlds, wields the Power Cosmic and has broad experience needed for eating the 388 parks of the National Park system, 544 wildlife refuges and more than 260 million acres of multiple-use lands located mainly in 12 Western states, in addition to the rest of the planet.

"Galan understands that those who live closest to the land know how to manage it best, and he will begin preparations to digest our planet immediately," Bush said.

Galactus promised to construct giant machines in the heart of Manhattan in order to "suck the very essence from the land and consume the natural resources with which your planet has been blessed."

His chances of Senate confirmation are greatly increased by his godlike endurance, immesurable intelligence, omnipotence and possession of the Ultimate Nullifier. The Senate rarely turns down cosmic beings of utter destruction, and Republicans hold the majority with 55 of 100 seats.

"Galactus is a strong nominee," said Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn. "I look forward to his swift confirmation by the Senate."

His nomination drew quick criticism from some environmentalists.

Barbara Miller, a citizen activist in northern Idaho who has fought for decades to get more health screening for local people affected by historic lead and zinc pollution from the Bunker Hill Mine, said Galactus has an interest in eating the planet Earth, at the expense of the environment.

For example, after the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) moved to earmark hundreds of square miles downstream from Bunker Hill for toxic cleanup, Miller said, Galactus ate the Skrull homeworld, killing billions of living beings to slake his endless, gnawing hunger.

Galactus then successfully lobbied the White House to have his own herald, Terrax the Tamer, appointed to head the EPA office that oversees Washington, Oregon, Alaska and Idaho.

Still, Rick Johnson, executive director of the Idaho Conservation League, said "it definitely could have been worse--say Thanos or Death herself--and, given who he works for, it would not have been better."

And he said Galactus is not as ideologically tied to logging, mining or grazing as his predecessor, although he does consider humans as akin to ants.

Don't fret, A.M., rewriting newspaper stories to make them ridiculous is a fairly widespread sarcastic technique on ye olde blogosphere. although it may not rise to the level of a talent. I've revised the post to clarify that, though.

As far as talent goes, I'll just have to fall back on my sheep-shearing, kazoo and "hambone" training.

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