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Humor

September 17, 2014

Seeing so much asshattery in my inbox gave me an idea...how about we do a little test. ;) I'm sure I will have a lot of anti-fans but after the last month and a half I had of people totally not following directions or acting like they couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag ("Cat someone like, told me that, like, he said I'm a nice person! NICE! Nice isn't sexy! WAAAHHHHH!!!!") I'm afraid this was a long time coming. I hope I don't hurt too many feelings but it's possible. Please read the note at the end before getting too upset.

Part 1: Multiple Guess

Q: You find your situation has taken a non-dramatic turn of events for less than 48 hours (for example, your love interest hasn't returned your call or text, or your did a money spell and new business hasn't come in for 24 hours when it had been coming in steadily.) Do you:

a. Totally freak out and think the spell is broken, and perhaps instantly inform your worker (if you solicited outside help,) that the work is going down hill, and/or instantly run to your altar and cast another spell, and/or bitch everything is ruined and give up.

b. Totally freak out, and worry and analyze what might be wrong. You know you're "thinking the work to death," but damnit, you can't stop.

c. Not even really notice, because, like, whatevers. If it changes back, great, if not, well it worked for a bit.

d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. You'll keep an eye on it, but you realize it's probably nothing.

Q: While doing a love spell, you notice that, directly after spellcasting, your love-interest is actually with someone else (something you'd not realized when you cast the spell.) Do you:

a. Decide this is a sign that you're a complete failure and instantly give up.

b. Decide this is a sign you're not meant to have what you want, and continue to mentally revisit the situation with anguish, imagining them together, all the while hoping the target will love you more.

d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. You might do some work to get rid of the other person if you're THAT interested in the target, but for a week or two, you're just going to hang back and let that love spell do it's magic...because you're assuming it will.

Q: Directly after doing a spell to get more money, you receive a large, unforeseen bill. Do you:

a. Assume this is a sign that God/dess/The Universe/The Almighty/Jupiter/Mercury/etc hates you more than anyone else, and run out of your house pulling out your hair and screaming "Why do my fucking spells never work! FUCK! FUCK!" and/or instantly inform your practitioner that they are a huge scam.

b. Worry ceaselessly that this is just going to take anything your money spell might bring you, that is IF it ever works at all, then sit there worrying it will work.

c. Not really care, because like, who pays bills anyhow, right? Haha.

d. Notice, but do not assume the worst. Obviously, you'll have to pay this bill, but your windfall from your spell might be greater than anticipated and if you JUST received this bill it was probably en route before you even cast your spell as is, so it's probable that this has nothing to do with your money spell work.

Part 2: True/False

1. If you deviate from instructions given to you, the results should be the same.

2. If you work against something happening in the mundane (for example, telling a reconciliation target to eat shit and die during the manifestation phase,) that should not effect your spellwork.

3. Spells are guaranteed to work. There is no way they can fail. Certain types anyhow.

2. It doesn't at all sound like you want free services when you complain months later that nothing happened (True/False)

3. There is such a thing as not enough updates. (True/False)

4. You get drunk and text your reconciliation target in a moment of drunken badness. While the resulting conversation was not actually negative, it went against your practitioner's instructions. Do you:

a. Decide you must have ruined everything, and give a quivering and sobbing confession to your practitioner.

b. Worry you ruined everything, but keep the event secret so as not to upset your practitioner and make them angry. What they don't know can't hurt them, right?

c. Figure whatever. If it wasn't meant to happen, you wouldn't call. You won't bother telling the practitioner, either.

d. Tell your practitioner what happened, and wait for their reply. If it effected the work, they should know, but since it went well, you're hoping it's not going to negatively impact the work.

5. You had someone do a business success working for you, but part of it required you to ritually clean your place of business. You don't complete the task of the ritual cleaning. Do you:

a. Blame the practitioner for not working hard enough when the spell is not successful, but never admit to not doing the ritual cleansing.

b. Admit you never finished the ritual cleansing a few months later when the spell is not successful.

c. Lie and say you completed the cleaning, but say perhaps the "bad energy" was too strong, and ask for a recast (paid or unpaid.)

d. Understand you're the reason for your own failure, and do not trouble that worker again as you are too irresponsible to be trusted.

6. You find yourself curious about an occult topic entirely unrelated to what you've paid your practitioner to do for you. Do you:

a. Ask them and take up tons of their time unpaid for free education.

b. Ask them if they will teach you something about it, and offer to pay.

c. Ask them for resources on the topic, which is a brief request, but don't offer to pay.

d. Silently say nothing because whatever.

ANSWERS:

Part 1:

Mostly a's - NEVER get work done. You're too reactive and you're a pain in the ass. You'll be your own worst enemy. Until you calm down and learn some stillness of mind, you will be an inept spellcaster, and an obnoxious client.

Mostly b's - NEVER get work done. You will have horrible lust for results and think it unto death. You're too prone to worry and the worst candidate for spellwork. You will drive a practitioner nuts.

Mostly c's - There is such a thing as "too chill," and you're way too chill. :P You need to take some interest and notice in your life. I'm pretty sure if your work manifested, you'd not even notice. Perhaps put down the bong for five minutes, then retake the test. ;)

Mostly d's - You have a handle on what's going on. Not everything is worth a panic or even bringing it to someone's attention. It's fine to notice changes, but you're not going to over-dramatize or over-analyze any situation prematurely. You are a practitioner's dream client.

Part 2:

All answers are properly false.

1. All instructions are paramount to the spell working. 2. You need to do whatever you can to work WITH your spell. You can easily get in your own way when it comes to spellwork, and definitely telling off a reconciliation target is not going to be reconciliatory. 3. There are no guaranteed spells that work no matter what. It doesn't matter what kind, what someone did, or anything like that. From candleburning to spirit conjure, spell-failure is always a possibility. 4. Faith is hugely relevant to spellwork.

Part 3.

1. Your practitioner probably hates daily updates because they rarely bring new news, so false. 2. False. The only thing I see when I read "nothing worked" more than 60 days since the last time I spoke to the client is "give me free shit," and I can honestly say many of my peers have told me that's what they infer, too. Sorry, I realize that isn't nice...but maybe if you know we just see "give me free or reduced cost work," you might rephrase what you're saying. It's sort of like if I was a doctor and gave you chemo, and your cancer came back, do you expect the next round free? Because spells are like a medical treatment, and they don't always take. OFTEN, unfortunately, this is also the hallmark of a client who the spell did work for, they just have since behaved badly and now need more work. 3. True. We need SOME updates. Don't complain several months later that nothing happened. I've had people complain 6 months after a spell casting that nothing happened, when if they had told me it was floundering at week 3, a simple kick in the butt would have righted the situation (because it was moving forward, then started to flounder a bit at week 3.) It's good to check in every 2 weeks at least, OR at the appointed time requested by your spellcaster. 4. D is the best answer. Sure, you effed up, but if it's a big deal you should tell your spellcaster. 5. All of the choices suck. There is no right answer. Once you didn't follow instructions, you failed. I guess own up to it immediately is the right answer. ;) 6. b or c are both good answers. Most people are happy to give a quick point in the right direction, but if you need added time, you should pay for it.

*****

Listen, I understand that many people are new to spells, excited by spells, scared by spells or just don't know what to do. When working with clients, I tell people it's best to check in every few weeks at least, but even once a week is usually fine. I've had people who would let me know every thought they had (bad) to people who tell me months later that there wasn't enough effect or an effect (which, then, even if I believe them from knowing them, I'm left with a situation where any impact I may have had has probably ceased influencing the situation.)

If you want something to work and you're doing the work yourself?

1. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF. The road will not always be free of obstacles, and little annoyances can and do happen. Don't see every momentary hurdle as a bad sign. If I'm hiking up a mountain, I don't see every point where the trail gets rough as that meaning the trail doesn't exist or I'm lost - I navigate wisely, and generally the trail returns to normal again...it's the same idea. It can get rough here or there, but it's 20 paces and you're back to an easy walk again. People who see any possible "contrary" movement in their situation as "a bad sign" are not going to do well in spellcasting. They are the hiker who won't make it up the proverbial mountain for 20 paces of rough terrain being "too scary" to navigate without declaring failure. Don't be that person.

2. FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. If you're too lazy or you just don't care enough to follow the instructions given for any working, than don't freaking even bother spellcasting and wasting your time. ;)

3. WORK WITH THE SPELL. One thing, even in spirit-conjure, that any good magician does is looks for opportunities to help the work manifest. Don't go fighting with a love target and complain the love spell didn't work. Don't spend all the money that money spell brought in and complain it didn't cover the bill you needed covering. Work WITH your spellwork.

4. USE TACTICS. If you want to attract the opposite (or same) sex, be clean, dress nice, and do things in the mundane that attract them. Don't be boorish/gross. If you want the love of a particular person, don't be smothery or creepy, but don't ignore them either. If you want the job, don't sleep with the boss's daughter then recount what a whore she is to the boss... ;) (See number 3) Use that brain and all those things you learned.

I do hope this was a slightly amusing and interesting (and educational) test and instructive post. If you hate me for it...well, keep in mind - I've taught A LOT of people to stop engaging in bad behaviors, and I've helped a lot of people learn to cast spells. Ultimately, I can offer the information, but they need to be the ones to use it properly.

Best wishes,

~Cat

All content except picture of Buddha with funny saying copyright 2014 OriginalNinjaCat and cannot be copied, pasted, transmitted and/or used without my express and written permission.

Picture of Buddha with funny saying found on Facebook. I assume the pic is old enough to be in the free domain, but if the funny saying part is your work, and you want it removed, please just let me know immediately and I will remove it.