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Author
Topic: My silent activism / self-healing (Read 9103 times)

Hey there, I just wanted to share something. Something small, but something powerful for me that happened this Labor Day Weekend.

To give a little background: My partner died in my arms almost 2 1/2 years ago. It had a been a difficult, horrific experience leading up to that (i really don't need to go into that, but for those of you who have been a witness to someone you love, or anyone, dying of AIDS, you probably understand) Meanwhile here in Sacramento, there had been a huge surge in ant-gay, pro-"hetero marriage only " protests from the Slavic and evangelical "churches". You can only imagine the hateful messages against gay and lesbians that were being displayed in public events and even more sickening; having their young 3-5 year old children holding signs and yelling.

I used to get so angry when I saw even a bumper sticker from one of these groups. Every time I pulled back into the hospital parking lot the last 2 months of my partner's life I would see a van with one of these bumper stickers. I used to just rage!! I even wanted to track down the owner of this vehicle and scream at them, embarrass them, hurt them. How dare they proclaim that it was a sin, when I was sacrificing everything I had in me (my energy, my soul, my heart, my existence) to care for , to love, and to comfort my partner while he was lying in a bed suffering unimaginably! How dare they proclaim my relationship was evil.

So this past weekend I drove by the street fair and noticed a group of protesters standing in front of the entrance; holding signs, taking pictures of people.Suddenly, I got this urge to do something. I didn't know what. Maybe go stand next to one of the men and make lewd comments . No, that's not it(although some of those Russian boys were kinda cute lol! ) Then I just walked up to the group and stood next to one of them holding one end of a banner. ... He moved over... I moved overthis went on for a few minutes. The whole group moved over. I moved over... not saying anything. Trying to be aware of what I was feeling, standing next to people that were preaching such hate. They moved over.. I moved over. one of the un-Christian men yelled to the man I was standing next to "if he is making you feel uncomfortable tell him "no" 3x and you can get him arrested." "You are feeling uncomfortable aren't you?" Was I feeling threatened or did I feel fear about getting arrested? no, I didn't care about that. But , what was I feeling?...... The groups organizer looked a little nervous, he suggested they move across the street, they did.... I did. Other people, going to the street fair were yelling obscenities at the protesters, which seemed to egg the anti-sodomy club on, fueling the fire. How did I feel about that?... I continued in my silence, just noticing how people were reacting to each other and what I was feeling. One man kept asking me if I wanted to be interviewed. that I could be on U-tube. The others began saying that my behavior was vile to their god. That what I was doing was forbidden in their bible. hmmWhat behavior? standing here in silence? not reacting? I didn't understand.... I moved to stand in front of another person... he pushed me away with his sign, but I stood firm. What did I notice? what did I feel? I then stood in front of him and looked into his eyes. He couldn't look at me. I felt something. I stood in front of another and looked into his eyes, he briefly looked into mine and then looked down. I felt the same thing. Then I GOT IT.

I felt their fear, I felt their hate but it didn't infect me. It couldn't infect me. I didn't allow it to infect me. For some reason I closed my eyes started praying (Buddah, Jesus, Ganesha, Shiva, oh and a whole host of deities) , silently, for support for their healing (What? you say) yeah i was praying for the enemy! For some reason that appeared to make them feel very uncomfortable. I noticed they were reading some obscure bible passages and shouting terrible things to me, but I stayed fast in my meditation until they disbanded.

What a relief for me, how freeing it was. All this anger that had been stored for all these years (from the time I was infected until now 24ish years later) had been changed, transmuted. It is incredible how much fear and anger takes up your energy.

Would I do this again? Maybe Would I invite more people to do this? Maybe

everyone is on their own journey but hopefully we end up in the same place.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Its great to read of so much power coming from you without you even saying a word. Yes, I love the shock factor, and you definitely had that going on, by not speaking a word. You looked into their eyes and they looked away? Awesome. Who is the guilty one here? Certainly not you.

Welcome to these forums, I trust you will feel free to share this journey you are on more often.

Gee, Sacratomato has changed since the days of Jerry Brown I see.

Your incredible experience this last weekend, was a gift that you have shared with us and I am so very grateful. Thank You. What you share here can so easily be focused at the incredible prejudice that is also applied to men and women who have HIV, and I trust some will gain strength from your so very moving account of this gift you were given.

Love,

Logged

The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,and 362 to heterosexuals.This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals, It's just that they need more supervision.Lynn Lavne

It does take courage when your heart and body can't help trembling sometimes. Like Ann, Gandhi was proof to me of the power each of us has to cause change non-violently.

Be well and keep on going where your heart and your spirit lead you. When I handed out flyers this past Friday at a reggae concert I said "love the music, stop the hate," there were a lot of hard faces on both men and women. I thanked every person who was willing to take a flyer and even some who weren't. It only took an hour out of my evening and it was so satisfying.

I have lived so long with this disease and much of my life in isolation. I tried to live my life below the radar and avoid conflict and confrontation. I remember watching Ryan White on the news and realizing that he was only a few years younger than me and we both had this disease. I chose to hide in fear, he chose a path of courage and truth that I couldn't even comprehend at the time. But no longer.

My actions weren't to shame or hurt anyone, although it was apparent that their (the protester's) arsenal of "hate rhetoric" wasn't working me and they were confused and moved quickly to disband. I am certainly not in anyway comparing myself to Ryan (or Gandhi, lol) but I realized a few weeks ago I took a teeny, tiny step in changing this world. The change happened in me and there is no turning back now.

A "teeny-tiny" step? It looked like a big stride to me! Another of my favourite Gandhi quotes is "be the change you wish to see" and that is exactly the type of step you took. Thank you for being an inspiration, thank you for making a difference.

And isn't it a great feeling when you have a personal breakthrough like this? Kinda scary, kinda exhilarating, and very empowering.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts