It’s probably not what you’re thinking, although I wouldn’t mind lying on a couch without having to race the wife to it first, or talking for a change without interruption.

You’ve got to admit, especially if you have kids, how wonderful it would be to say something and have someone actually listening intently to every word.

But I’m not seeing that kind of therapist, even though I have been married for 41 years to someone who has repeatedly suggested I need my head examined.

No, I go to a physical therapist, Kari Franks in Newport Beach, because people told me they swore by her. Later I learned I had misunderstood; they all swear at her when she starts working on them.

But while screaming out in pain the other day as the monster dug her paws into my neck, I got to thinking: So this is what it must be like for the Lakers as well.

My body is falling apart and the Lakers are just a shell of what they were. And there isn’t much hope for either of us as people struggle to find a miracle cure.

I’ve got the monster trying to put me back together, while Jim Buss is rebuilding the Lakers. Franks uses traction, ice, exercises, deep massage and some kind of pulsating muscle gizmo, while Buss is relying on his basketball brainpower.

I suddenly feel a lot better.

There was a time when I could bowl without losing my breath. I was a real athlete, but then there was also the greatness that was Elgin, Kareem, Magic, Shaq, Wilt and Kobe before the Lakers became Swaggy P.

I remember a time when I did a radio show and didn’t get the chance to talk much because I was on with my daughter and Fred Roggin. Obviously the show was cancelled, but while we were on the air the Lakers were winning championships.

This year the hosts on the Lakers’ flagship radio station were openly cheering for more defeats, more pingpong balls.

And yet despite their misfortune, the Lakers have remained the most popular team in Southern California because their fans cannot believe they will remain champion-less for any length of time.

I was popular for a month or two with Manny Ramirez, but for all I know that could have been the female hormones he was taking.

It’s been awhile since Salma Hayek and I were an item, so I suspect I’ve lost it. But I don’t think Lakers fans have accepted how ugly the Lakers have become, because abracadabra they always get better.

And so right now there is no reason to think the pingpong balls won’t fall their way Tuesday, the Lakers sitting sixth but why wouldn’t they end up with No. 1?

No reason to think, now that Kevin Love has announced he will be available, he won’t be coming to the Lakers.

No reason to believe Kobe Bryant won’t return for his final two years as good as Kobe Bryant wants to be and play more than six games.

But I know better, and I would like to help those who don’t understand how hard it is to get something back that’s lost. Just ask the Dodgers.

The Lakers will have to hire a coach again, and while Mitch Kupchak says the brass will not consult with Kobe, three years ago Buss apologized publicly for not consulting with Kobe before hiring Mike Brown.

They haven’t even started to rebuild, and they can’t get on the same page.

Buss has misfired on three straight coaching hires. How do you think he reacts under pressure to really get it right? I guess that also means Kupchak has misfired on three straight coaching hires.

If the next two years are a struggle as many believe, how does a Buss hire survive disgruntled public opinion?

The Lakers were going to keep Mike D’Antoni until he quit, which suggests front office arrogance, a disregard for what fans might think and plans to write off next season.

Do they try to send their draft choice to Minnesota to get Love for a year, and hope he doesn’t pull a Dwight Howard on them?

The reports have Love leaving Minnesota because he wants to play for a winner. Do the Lakers look like winners any time soon? They look like Minnesota to me.

Pau Gasol is a free agent, the Lakers most likely getting nothing for him.

Some have mentioned the possibility of a sign-and-trade, the Lakers signing Gasol and then trading him for something in return.

But Gasol earned more than $19 million, and the only reason for a sign-and-trade is because the Lakers can pay him more. But no one is going to pay him more than $19 million, so there’s no reason for a sign-and-trade. He’s gone.

There’s probably a better chance of the Lakers doing more in free agency in 2015 than 2014, and how is wasting a year going to play with Kobe?

I know for a fact Kobe can cry louder than I can, although that’s no challenge being thrown down to my physical therapist prior to Tuesday’s appointment.

I just worry about fans who don’t know what a lost cause the Lakers have become and how far they are away from recovering especially when they put such high hopes on a pingpong ball.

I felt the same way about Extra Strength Tylenol before having no choice but visit the monster.

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