As usual, I’m leading the charge for the game. Maybe we need a new blog name to reflect that? Tiamonster and Friends! We could have an animated logo of everyone’s spirit animal, where my raccoon is pulling these slackers in a red wagon down to a pond for a picnic. But, when we get down to the pond, a splicer jumps out and I’m the only one who can defend us because I played the damn games.

Because I wrote the summary post for KotOR, I discovered the plot twist before I even installed the game. (Woe is me.) I had to bide my time somehow while surrounded by so much foreshadowing, so I decided to play the BioWare dating game.

Let’s take a look at our contenders!

Carth Onasi

You and Carth escape a Republic vessel that Darth Malak and his Sith fleet attack, so Carth is the first companion you talk with at length. Even though you save his life multiple times, he has major trust issues. After much teasing/prodding/flirting, I learned that his former commander, who was a mentor to him, turned to the Sith/dark side when Revan and Malak began building their army. He doesn’t trust anyone and constantly questions your motives and actions.

Carth is hot in that 2003-video-game, my-hair-haphazardly-slips-into-my-eyes way, and he’s pretty funny. He was the top contender for my fake game love until he laid this sob story on me: his wife died in his arms after the Sith attacked his homeworld, and he doesn’t even know what happened to his son.

Okay, first: wife. Second: son. I’d hate to be shallow, but I’m playing a game here. A game where I can flirt with my hot companions. Can’t he be upset about his sister or a nephew or an orphan boy he mentored in Uganda until he joined the Republic? That’s just a little too IRL for me.

NEXT!

T3-M4

He opens doors and beeps at me. Actually, I’m not even sure if it’s a he.

NEXT!

Mission Vao

Mission’s older brother raised her in the underworld of Taris, which is run by various mob overlords. She assists you on Taris by introducing you to one of the mob bosses. She sticks with you afterward because she has Lost Puppy Dog Syndrome, thanks to her aforementioned brother.

Griff left her at a young age to chase some hot interstellar tail and never returned. At her request, you rescue him from Sand People (who are not yet referred to as Tusken Raiders) on Tattooine, and–surprise!–he turns out to be a deadbeat.

He, like, knows this guy who would pay a ton of money for some Tarisan ale. Seeing as to how you just saved Griff’s life, you could totally venture into these dangerous areas and get this rare ingredient for the ale. And, if you want, you could buy into the offer and get triple your return once he sells the stuff.

I told Mission that he’s a loser, and he buggered off shortly afterward.

Zaalbar

Zaalbar is a package deal that comes with Mission. Once you escape Taris, he believes he owes you a life debt because you got him off of the planet before it was destroyed.

He’s just a Wookiee devoted to me, no big deal.

As a Wookiee, though, he trusts you even less than Carth does, which means dialogue isn’t even an option until you arrive on Kashyyyk. Once I saved his village from slavers and his maniacal brother, we became BFF.

I’m not sure how the, uh, dynamics would work, but he’s a freaking Wookiee! So, yes, I barked up that tree. I selected every Wookiee-like and slave-hating response I could to get him on my good side, but I never received an option remotely close to flirting.

That is extremely unfair, BioWare.

…next.

Bastila Shan

The Jedi Bastila was aboard the same vessel as you and Carth. She got to an escape pod before you and landed somewhere on Taris. Carth says that she’s important to the war effort, so you find her and rescue her.

Bastila can use battle meditation, one of the biggest and baddest of Jedi/Sith powers. She can control whole armies during battle, ensuring the victory of her side. Malak keeps losing battles because of Bastila, so he goes to great lengths to find her on Taris, eventually destroying the whole planet.

Lucky (unlucky?) for me, I rescued her before that happened. She drones on about the draw of the dark side and constantly reprimands me like she’s my mom. I find it pretty ironic, considering her fate. (When I saw that she had turned, I really wanted a dialogue option that read, “SAID THE POT TO THE KETTLE BITCH.” I killed her, instead.)

Considering the whole mom thing, there wasn’t any point in the game where I thought to try and romance her.

NEXT!

Canderous Ordo

Canderous is a Mandalorian bounty hunter that helps you acquire a ship to get off of Taris. He really likes to talk about his time in the Mandalorian Wars–you know, when the Mandalorian warrior race decided to attack planets just because the people were helpless and provoke a war with the Republic for the sheer challenge of it.

Seriously, he doesn’t shut up about that war. IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO AND YOU LOST. Shut the hell up.

NEXT!

Juhani

Talk about a yawnfest, I’m not even going to bother to find a picture of her. She has the depth of Leliana in Dragon Age: Origins and is about as interesting as any non-Mordin companion in Mass Effect.

NEXT!

HK-47

I’m sure those of you who’ve played KotOR either skipped straight to here or suffered through my character evaluations to get here. Good ol’ HK. Everyone’s favorite meatbag hater.

You find HK on Tattoine in a merchant’s shop. The merchant seems eager to get rid of him but will sell him for no less that a bajillion credits. I’m a good guy, so I worked hard (killed Sand People and sold their sticks) to get the money. I’m sure there are more nefarious ways to acquire HK.

This guy is pure, stinking evil. Canderous at least has a reason for wanting to kill people (albeit a very stupid one); HK hates humans simply because they’re squishy. More accurately, he was programmed to hate humans by his original master. SPOILER ALERT! Turns out that was you. You monster.

While I enjoy his poignant one-liners, there is no way my lawful good Jedi is going to get it on with her previous persona’s evil robot.

NEXT!

Jolee Bindo

Jolee has spent the last forty years living on Kashyyyk. In the woods. In a log. By himself. Leave it me to find the one hermit who wants a change of scenery. He tends to droll on like old hermit men do, but he happens to be the hook for one of my favorite quests in the game. (More about that in another post.)

He’s old and has the ramblies. No thanks.

NE–

That’s it? This is my merry band of misfits? My only option is Carth? CARTH, who’s all, “I can’t love you because you’ll betray me like everyone else I’ve ever loved.” That guy? The one who, when he discovered who I was and chose to trust me anyway, said, “I could see maybe loving you. In the future.” And, when (SPOILER ALERT!) Bastila tempted me with the dark side and I said no, he actually did say he loved me? Er, I mean, he said he loved my character. In front of my entire party. On a beach. With the sun setting in the background.

Well, I certainly didn’t see that coming. Excuse me while my fake boyfriend and I save the universe from the Sith. And, uh, other things.