Monday, August 29, 2011

Just a really, really weird weekend. Filled with thoughts that started with “last year on this day at this time...”

My mom was in Florida.

I was hacking into my dad’s Facebook account.

Meg was blissfully ignorant.

Every time I talked to my mom on the phone, I kept saying “Dad’s acting weird. Dad’s acting really weird,” hoping that she’d get it. Hoping that she would understand what I was trying to say.

I was baking this same cake in this same kitchen for the same person. And my father was desperately trying to get me to leave.

I was still only suspicious.

And last year today was when I went back to the house and found those two chairs sitting side-by-side in the office and the notepad with the woman’s handwriting on the desk and – fuck, I’m not sure I will ever forget how that felt.

I would rather not remember.

I would rather not spend this fall reliving last fall.

I have enough on my mind without every day reminding me of last fall. I am sad and confused and worried enough. I am having a hard enough time without these memories. There is plenty for me to think about. I have enough current distractions diverting me; I don’t need the past to distract me further.

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comments:

I think it might be time to move on. You can never make it go away, but it doesn't have to hold such a central place in your mind. As you said, there are so many more things (many that are fun and exicing!) that are going on, that it is torturous to keep holding on to this.

Totally agree. Really, for the most part, I have moved past the whole mess. It's just these significant dates on the calendar are really drawing my attention to what a mess last fall was. I remember no specific dates, really, other than what happened this week and next week. So, I just need to get past those days...

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Its easy to say "move on" but these things take time. You could be experiencing an anniversary reaction. My psychologist advised me that anniversary reactions can result from any form of loss or trauma. Here is the first website that pops up on a google search for anniversary reaction: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/anniversary-reactions.asp

In 2009, I had a traumatic experience close to my birthday. In 2010, the 8 or so weeks leading up to my birthday were hell. I was literally re-living the experience (hence I reached out to a psychologist, and she explained anniversary reactions). This year, I purposefully created an indulgent, once-in-a-lifetime experience for my birthday (attending a concert of a band that isn't touring much in the US this year). The concert and trip associated with it were magical. My mom joined me, and our relationship is better than it has ever been (not that it was bad before, it is just great right now). I am so grateful for that experience, for turning a negative into a positive, and for now being able to look back on that incredible experience when my next birthday rolls around. Its something that I would gladly relive. ;)

Hi. I'm A.

Born, raised, educated in the Midwest, I am such a Midwesterner. So Midwestern, if you will.

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I started So Midwestern right after I graduated from college, hoping to chronicle my transition to adulthood. Graduate school, four half marathons, two new nephews, three apartments, a trip to Africa, a sprinkle of heartbreak, dozens of unfinished knitting projects, four turns as a bridesmaid, 8,913 job applications and two full-time positions later: I’m fairly convinced that the day when I feel like a legitimate, full-fledged grownup will never come. So I’ll just keep on blogging.

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