Here’s a letter, a cry for help from one of our readers, asking for advise regarding his situation. In summary, he is an OFW Nurse in the United Kingdom, in love with a Philippine-based, soon-to-get-married bum back home. I think this is one good proof that when one is in a sticky situation, the circumstances seem to be much more complicated than they really are; and when we are the one watching someone else stuck in something, it seems the situation is so simple we wonder why he chooses to remain stuck. Read on, and feel free to share your thoughts.

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Dear Migs,

i have read a lot of stories on the homo-confused section of the manila gay guy website. i know my story is quite common but i want an answer for my own problem.

i must admit that i am gay. i felt this feeling since i was in high school but never entertained it and even when i was in college. all my friends are straight and everybody in my community respects me. alam mo naman sa provinces mataas respect nila sayo if degree holder ka and you keep your feet on the ground so lahat ng friends ko and kumpares are either tricycle drivers, tambays and sunog-baga. i had 3 gf’s before, had sex with them but i enjoy more when im having sex with men. my first sexual encounter with a guy was when i was in saudi.i will not discuss the relationship into detail as he is not the subject of my problem.

i am an ofw nurse in uk, and 35 years old. i have this friend of mine, 27 years old (tambay nga) back home. he is one of my drinking buddies. we drink everywhere and go to beerhouses everytime im on my vacation. i have a crush on him but obviously i couldn’t let him know for the fear of rejection and humiliation. everytime we are drunk, i always put my hand on his shoulders or my head on his lap pretending that i’m very drunk and so at least my elbow could feel his cock. my friends sleep in my room from time to time including him.

one night, it was only him who slept in my room and we were not very drunk then. i slept beside him and hugged him as if i was drunk. i don’t know for some reason he said he loves me. i was very surprised and got very excited. he then kissed me in my chest down to my groin but he never sucked me. obviously i have to undress him as this was the oportunity i’ve been long waiting for. i kissed him and sucked his dick. i said i love him as well.but the feeling of love during that time was not in full bloom (that was 2005) as i thought that he just wants money from me. but everytime I’m on vacation he keeps telling me that he loves me and we always schedule it to have sex twice a week, until i felt deeply in love with him.

last may, i started giving him money. in our 2 1/2 years of being on, i know he had gf’s and we always argue with that. then he dumped one. the problem now is that his other gf is pregnant and he’s getting married in january but he told me that he still loves me. it’s just that he has to accept his responsibilty. he texts me even in front of his would-be wife. he said he will always love me till forever. walang iwanan laging txt nya at sinasabi sa akin. he had texted me countless ilove u’s. payag din siya na mag-hotel kami sa manila pag-uwi ko this december at pauuwiin nya muna asawa nya.

my question is… is he gay?? mahal daw nya ako at mahal din nya asawa nya kaya he doesn’t want any of us to let go. nung nag away kami i told him na gay din sya at maraming gay ang may anak but he vehemently denied it. pero ni katiting na “gayness” wala talagang makikita sa kanya. kahit na he keeps on insisting that he is straight, mahal na mahal pa rin daw niya ako. he promised that we will always be together once i get back home this december and carry on with our escapades. he even said that he will still sleep with me even if he’s about to be married. (by the way, when we sleep together, we sleep naked and he hugs me and put his legs on top of me. he hasn’t penetrated me yet though but he agreed when i asked him if we can try.he doesn’t like the idea of kissing lips to lips but agrees from time to time. in fact we kissed each other in a chowking restaurant toilet one morning when we took our breakfast and we were the only customers upstairs. do you think he really loves me? what about his wife? i told him not to get married unless his wife knows or else he will be hunted by his conscience.he said he will tell her but not soon.i don’t want people to discover our relationship but we agreed that just in case, we will tell them the truth that we both love each other.

shall i carry on with our relationship? mahal na mahal ko siya at sa sobrang lungkot ko at kaiiyak nung nakabuntis sya wala na akong nagawa but to call my bro and admit it with him that i’m not straight. it’s good he understands. initially nagalit bf ko nang sabihin ko na alam na ni kuya but we are ok now. he said he feels ashamed if he will see my bro but he really loves me so he said let us carry on.

do you think he really loves me or he only wants money form me now that i left him an ATM? please reply.i know you will be of help. im getting married next year by the way. my would be “wife” knows that im getting married for the purpose of keeping my relationship with my bf plus i look into possibility of having may own child/children.

hello friend.. if i where you.. think about it, you are educated enough… just remember many people motivate in terms in our case maybe you know what is it ok.. so think about it ok.. this is just an advise heheheheh

i hope my reply isn’t too late. in cases where a person loves two people intimately, there will always be somebody that he/she loves more. i suggest asking him kung sino ang mas mahala niya. i believe na walang taong 50-50 ang nararamdaman when it comes to love. then, take it from there. if he loves you more than the girl and napikot nga lang siya, then i suggest you go on with your relationship. if he loves the girl more than he loves you, then i suggest you stop the relationship. i think we all want to be loved more right?

dont be blind for the i love yous that he is uttering but be aware about the future. money is fine but if youre giving him money everymonth as part of his allowances yuore just making him dependent on you. help him to move on his own especially that now he has his own famly soon. and learn to love yourself as well sometimes we are blinded by the things that we felt rather thatn the things that we should be acting. in reality you need to let go of him. i also had the same thing 2 years ago ..

STAY. if that makes you happy stay. money doesnt matter. its a bigpart of every relationship. Im in the same situation i super like this so called straight guy ( my 1st love). been connected with him for 1 yrs now. stay!

kenny, keep the relationship. How many of us wish and pray we are in your place. You love the guy, and he loves you back. keep it that way!! Both of you are happy. But level off your expectations. He is straight and let’s admit it that he will choose his wife in the end. So don’t expect to have him for a lifetime. Enjoy the time you have together. But keep your money in check. Don’t flood him with cash so if breakup time comes it wont hurt that much. Goodluck.

hi bro
i do read and understand ur situation
pero parang mahirap nga ang kalagayan mo .
if i were u, i would rather find someone who really knows the real him,
and i think you should find the deserving one.
dami namang available dyan, like me he he he.if u are interested and let us see what will gonna happen in future, email me: leuserol@yahoo.com

as wat everybody is saying, we all gay deserved to loved & beloved, to be happy, to fullfill our fantasies but make sure nobody will be hurt during the process.Your saying ur happy being with that guy?then why such overflowing questions blurred your mind. why you feel youre not totally secure. why so many “why”?.

if he loves you and he loves the other (which is a girl), then i really have to say that he doesnt really love you. Why? Because if he’s really in love with you, then he doesnt have to choose but only you. And I feel he is a closeted gay. Mind you, its hard.. dont put all your feelings and emotions and “love” to the tambay guy, or you might regret it in the end and you will just destruct yourself..

Kenny dear,
It’s all up to you. I agree with some of the opinions, suggestions,comments etc. What i hate about is the ATM thing. Well it’s your money but think all the hardships and sacrifices that you’ve gone through here in the UK. Why dont you just focus yourself travelling and shopping till you drop. Enjoy life! Sooner and later, with God’s help you will find your other half. Cheers!

alam mo kenny, tama si baklamancutedin@yahoo.co.uk…i experienced what you went through and it was extremely painful. yung feeling mo with the guy when you’re with him, i also felt that. parang ayaw mong matapos kasi sobrang sarap. pero ang sa iyo kasi may ATM factor pa. Ako wala, but I was madly in love as well. Mahirap kong sabihin (like what most people have been advising you) na hiwalayan mo ang bf mo kasi you are in love nga. Pero given the situation you are in, I would like to warn you that the next stage in your life is loss of self-esteem, then depression.

When your bf gets married, you will perpetually be bothered by why’s and where’s. Bakit niya ginawa yun? Asan siya ngayon? And when you do that, the guy will gradually fade before your eyes. This is what one author (sorry, forgot his name), the Passion Paradox. And the more you push yourself forward for the relationship, the guy will pull himself backward, away from you. Eto, my friend, ang simula ng loss of self-esteem mo.

You know what I did? First, I kept myself busy. Trabaho lang ng trabaho. Second, I reconnected with my friends. You never mentioned it but I surmise that your world revolves around your bf alone. Reconnect with your friends. Third, everytime I felt bad about myself, I would talk to myself: “this is just a feeling, this is just a feeling, this is just a feeling. Hindi naman ako ganito nuon. I need to get out of this.” Kasi naman, edukado ka, may pera, may utak, pero bakit unti-unting nawawala confidence mo sa sarili mo? Kasi nga, ang buhay mo nakasalalay na sa AFFIRMATION ng iba.

Buti na lang at nangibabaw pa rin ang mataas na tingin ko sa sarili ko. I must tell you ang HIRAP. Ang sarap nga kasi ng feeling eh. Pero tama ang iba sa itaas, if you love yourself, start doing something to wean you away from him. Start with the ATM card. Sabihin mo you are running out of money, then watch how he will react. Again, keep yourself busy. Reconnect with other friends. Or whatever. Just remember, if you continue with this relationship, your life will go downhill. Rescue it!!!

Looks like you already know the answer to your problem but you just want to validate it from other people’s opinions. But what I can tell you instead is try to assimilate yourself with the gay community. Un-complicate things. Believe me, there are other people out there who are ready to love you without the burden your friend is carrying.

Yes, he loves your MONEY.
Don’t give him money and find the truth if he still loves you.
And don’t give me that crap about “oh I love him, I cannot do that to him”.
The truth is.. he still loves your money.

for me, if you really wanted to have a family (wife & children) the relationship w/ the guy must end. it will be unfair on both parties. you must try to be contented with one partner in life. make sure one at time.

if you choose, both. your life will be miserable in the coming years. if you still enjoying your life w/ the guy just go on, dont enter yet to marriage life.

where do u stay here in uk. you can give me a call at my mobile # 07707661011.

OKay pero it will start by accepting your reality… and your reality is that you are different because you are gay…Its up to you talaga, yung mga words dito cheap kasi at the end of the day… ITS ALL UP TO YOU!!!

hi kenny,
-first off i really hope you find your own happiness..being in love does not mean being happy all the time..keep that in mind..
-clearly he is only gay when u & your money are there
-i really think you should break it off with this “tambay”..i know you love him (as what you have been saying over & over on your post) but for someone who cannot be true to himself, he does not deserve true love from you..
-seriously, prioritize yourself nman..kayang kaya mo syang hiwalayan, dapat nga sya naghahabol sau eh, if he really loves you..
-i do not get why you have to marry just for the sake of having kids..getting married is a death sentence for u..don’t do something that, i think, you will regret..maghanap k nlng ng surrogate..& don’t hurt the girl’s feelings just so you can satisfy ur own..maawa ka dun sa girl..
-cancel the ATM of ur boyfriend..why are u giving him money in the 1st place?
-you know more than i do that there are a lot better guys here & in the UK than ur “tambay” boyfriend..this is the time to “test the waters” so to speak..have the time of your life..u r in the UK..take this oppurtunity to mingle..
-as a nurse myself, don’t take ur baggages to work..u can kill someone..don’t let this guy take over your carrer & most especially ur life..u know u deserve better..

thanks to all the advice folks. as i’ve told migs, i emailed him so i can have a non-judgemental comments from you guys. this is my very first time to be madly in love like this. i fell in love with my first arab bf but i knew since then that it won’t last coz i knew we will separate after my contract ends. eric, he said he will marry her coz he has to but not bec he likes to. again sa lahat ng advice na maganda, thank you very very much.i know dumping him this soon is easier said than done..i will try but the problem is that i can’t avoid not to see him when i go home bec he’s my neighbor.if not, then it will be easier. but anyway, thanks once again guys. i wouldn’t mention your names one by one. you all know i’m thanking you. hindi lang ako sanay sa relationship na ganito. next time alam ko na.

Its very obvious, he’s only after your money…he’s also selfish, to think that he’s into relationship..eh nakuha pang makipag girlfriend ( i hate those people na to cover up their personality (being gay), eh nanloloko ng babae)…Wake up dude…im also an overseas worker and we know how hard to earn money…dont waste your time with him…marami pa dyan…am also base here in UK (nurse)punta ka lang sa pub maraming blue eyes hehehe…No seriously forget about him and look for something better and more deserving than him..yun lang..

Well, you know what, i know how it feels and believe me, i feel you, but i just dont know the depth of your emotions. while i was going over your messages i really feel sad for you. I mean, a love like this, it should last, and it should not be given away, hmm.. if i am to say,

allow yourself to listen to the truth.. ask him to tell him you he really wants, to be with you or to be with her, and if he gives you the same alibies then tell him, such does not exist, and a heart, in its purest for could not and could never be broken apart and into two in the matter..

second is, do not get married for all the wrong reasons, what your doing is leading yourself to autogeddon. If you really love him and if you reallly believe that true love exists then i see no reason why you should tie yourself with someone who in the first place never had your heart.

i believe so much that even if one should die alone for the sake of pure and great love then so be it. finding reasons for the approval of your actions would get you nowhere and would take you off corse.

Just love, and love, and love, and love some more until one day you would realize and you would be enlightened of the things that you really want, and maybe, i suppose, and im sure, when the right time comes, your heart will know where to lead you back to the right path..

I think anybody who has ever been in love would not fail to glimpse, at the very least, the pain and confusion you’re going through at the moment. i’m sorry dear but love, like life, is never as simple as we wish it to be.

much has been said in this forum about your situation and since i find them, as raymond says, sensible and progressive, and as i actually agree with most of them, i shall only add that i hope you will share with us what you decide to do and what the consequence/s of your decision is/are.

with your indulgence, i would also like to tell the story of a gay-straight relationship.

it has been said countless times that a gay-straight relationship is fraught with problems. some people even say it’s impossible.

my best friend had a straight lover for almost 13 years, and the only reason they’re no longer together is because my friend died almost four years ago. i’m sure they’d still be together now if my friend were still alive.

for the first 8 or 9 years of their relationship they lived together most days of the week with my friend’s family, the other days of the week the guy spent with his parents in the province. they rented their own place for the last 3 or 4 years of their time together.

families, immediate and extended, as well as friends on both sides knew of and accepted my friend’s relationship with his straight lover. they attended family gatherings and were generally treated as a couple. the guy was treated as the bereaved spouse during my friend’s wake.

they had problems just like any couple but they never fought about money. my friend allowed his lover to have sex (and sex only!) with girls. he didn’t do it often but whenever he did the straight guy was totally honest with my friend about his sexcapades! my friend was not allowed to have sex (even sex only!) with other guys. my friend solved this lopsided situation by not asking permission!

my friend was a medical doctor who lived in the city but had a passion for country life. his lover on the other hand was born and bred in the province and had a few years of college education.
my friend was an effeminate waif while the guy was a hulking hunk. they called each other mamix (mama) and papix (papa). only strangers would question their love for each other. (the guy admitted to me and my friend though that it took him 3 years before he was able to really love my friend).

when my friend died our circle of gay friends fully expected the straight guy and me to get into a relationship simply because the guy and i were very close. a few months before my friend died he said to me that should anything happen to him, he would not be averse to the idea of me and his lover getting together. he said he knows i’ll take really good care of his lover and that his lover would do the same to me.

but though his lover and i remain very good friends to this day, we have not become more than friends to each other. he told me once that my friend would be the first and last gay he’ll ever love. he has had two hetero relationships since my friend died and is now married and about to become a father.

whenever i recall my friend’s story, it gives me hope. because it proves that love can exist even between the most unlikely couple.

I think its obvious that you know he is using you, like how can you be possibly clueless about it?

What you may not be aware of is that you TOO are using him as well – emotionally. Your reasons for hanging on in your words, is because you don’t think you can ever meet another str8 man for fear of getting punched. That talks about esteem problems. Of course you can find somebody else but you choose to stay on because he’s a convenient excuse to stay safe.

You are in this drama because you chose to be in it. You could have stopped it at any point Kenny. The 1st girlfriend, the 2nd? The first money support/’investment’, the second? Money is power and I’m sure you felt that you had power over him.

So my advice, either you ship out or you shut up.

Take responsibility that you are in this game together – together in this game for fools.

Whatever makes you happy…. go for it….
Don’t think of what other people has to say, its you who will really feel if he loves you or he’s just keeping you for security reasons… Anyway…your on your right age to decide….But asking for me…. letting go of the person whom you really love is like putting your life in chaos… but if everything is not perfectly doing.. better QUIT…GET OUT OF THAT EMOTIONAL TURMOIL… LET GO…. ( sobrang dali savihin, diba… pero sobrang hirap pangatawanan….)

Do you feel safe with him?
Is the sex really that good?
Does he make you feel good about yourself when you are with him?
Can you still take it?
If all answers are positive….
…to hell with what everyone says or think!
Go girl….it is your right to be happy!
…ang sa akin lng nman.

hi, kenny.
there are various reasons why he denies that he is gay. there are also a lot of reasons why people fall in love with both sexes. it’s a natural instinct. i don’t think anyone is to blame. i’ve known male friends — both gay and straight — with whom i say “i love you” but never go so far as having sex with them. it’s just that we’re very close to each other that it is genuine love that we feel for each other, and sex or no sex should not change it. it’s because we bloth know our own motives for saying it to each other, that is: that we truly and profoundly love each other, no mater what. bottom line is, you should think about your and his own motivations when you think about saying “i love you” to each other. if you can’t find the real motivation behind it (yours: you truly love him; his: probably because of something else like financial or emotional support), then, think whether or not a full-blown relationship is really in the works. is it really worth it having a go at it with him? especially when, down the track, you know you are also going to hurt other people (his wife-to-be, your wife-to-be)? like someone said in this thread… you are an intelligent and sensible guy, and you deserve all the happiness in the world, like everyone else. will this make you happy, knowing that you’re also hurting other people in grabbing your own slice of the happiness pie?

your “boyfriend” is what we call gay for pay… if he doesn’t admit that he is gay then he doesn’t love you … he can’t have it both ways… he needs to choose , you or his baby mama
Also don’t be surprised … everybody knows your gay , they’re just too polite to tell you ….

from your story alone (na halos ikawindang ko dahil sa mga similarities to previous experiences), its too complicated at this point. you two are vulnerable to hurting each other and the people surrounding you, especially his wife. You could’ve stopped it the moment you learned about his preggy gf. (tas ngayun married pa ay day! HIRAM? choz!)

now is the time to straighten things out. I understand the feeling of choosing between deciding whether to go on with the complicated relationship with a confused fella or ending it and move one, end all life’s complications and start over.

tulad ng sabi nila ^ dun sa taas, you deserve someone better. it hurts, oo, pag nag decide ka to end the ‘closeted’ relationship (very very brokeback!) but my advise to you is think and analyze if your future decisions to this dilemma are beneficial for your long-term happiness..your OWN long-term happiness.

Kenny, you would do well listening to and following the accumulated wisdom of these loyal MGG readers, whom I have found to be very sensible and progressive in their views. Ace, Saikee, Miguel, Ian, Jase, these are people whose counsel you should heed. Indeed, you deserve better than your boyfriend, who, I am sorry to say, is a user. I cannot abide closeted gay men who would get married and deceive a woman just so they can appear “normal” to the rest of society. If you insist on sticking with your bf, Jase is right, expect a lot of heartaches and difficulties. Listen to Ace: simplify your life. Good luck!

Totally agree with all of Ace’s point. Especially in taking on a wife just out of convenience. I don’t understand, when looking for love, some people would bind themselves to a loveless relationship. It’s almost comedic in its tragedy. Why do we have a need to over complicate our own lives is a conundrum that I will never understand.

I must say, and I don’t mean to be insulting, neither of you are ready to be in any type of relationship. Both of you will just feed off each other’s neurosis.

There are just too many issues here to tackle all at the same time. You need to start unraveling them soon for your own peace of mind.

I’m a former OFW myself. I stayed overseas for 7 years before deciding to move back to Manila just a few months ago. So I understand the problems of having a long distance relationship. If I read it correctly, you guys barely have any foundation for the relationship at all. Sure you may have that month (at most, 2 if you are lucky) in a year when you would fly back to Manila, but that is really more of a fling than a relationship. Relationships are multi-faceted, sure you can communicate through the phone, through text messages, emails what have you, but there is also the need to grow physically together. Trust me, I know this….there is only so much that love can accomplish. You are on a path of self-destruction (I know melodramatic much?) and it looks like you are about to take someone on that path as well, your future “wife” and I don’t think you are realizing the severity of this.

In the end the only question you need to answer is to yourself. That given all that you mentioned…can you honestly tell yourself that besides loving him dearly and he loving you dearly, he is the person that will give you peace of mind, emotional support when you need it, that he is your safe place in your troubled world? That your love for each other is worth ruining several people’s lives?

What a mess. I just got a headache (actually, a migraine) after reading this convoluted scenario. In order to ease my migraine, well, actually it should be your migraine – please, please simplify your life. I think it is obvious that you love him but sometimes love is not enough. Set conditions for yourself and for him:

– He can only love you, not the for-show wife (he is not entitled to ruin somebody else’s life, yours or the wife)
– You can’t have a for-show wife even if you decide to stay in the closet (you are not entitled to ruin somebody else’s life)
– Nobody can force you both to come out of the closet but please don’t use other people as covers
– Adopt a child, or if you can afford it, have a surrogate to carry your child
– He can and should provide for the child, he doesn’t need to marry the girlfriend
– If he is really needy, set an ATM limit. Be smart; protect your hard-earned Euro. You are not getting any younger
– He should find a job. If it is not possible to find a job, he should go back to vocational school. It is not healthy for both of you, for him to be doing nothing. If he protests, he loves your money, not you.
– You were wrong for giving him money and allowing him to have girlfriends. He lost respect for you. He was using you.
– He tells you that he loves you but he is not willing to show you that he loves you (by not marry another person). He needs to choose.
– Kissing is more intimate than sex. That is why prostitutes never kiss their Johns. In most societies deep kissing is the ultimate act of love. Have a deep kissing sesion with him. If he is repulsed by the idea, he is either straight or he doesn’t love you. Either way, it means he loves your money more.

If these conditions are not met, you are setting yourself for more complications and heartaches. Simplify your life, you’ll be much happier.

i know all of us want to have someone to love. being gay and being in the closet make it more difficult for us to do so. but that doesn’t mean that we should settle for anything less. i would not want to judge your bf on the issue of whether or not he is keeping you because of the financial security that you give him. but one thing is clear. he has decided to marry the woman who’s carrying his child. while he made promises that he would eventually tell his wife and that he is ready to leave her, ask yourself this: would you be genuinely happy having him even though you know that others (the woman and the kid) would be hurt?

I will not kid with you. It seems that you are creating a very sh*** situation for yourself. You have to remember that if it’s a life with him that you want, then it has to be just you and him. There is no compromise on this. The scenario you are currently in just won’t cut it. I know you are in love but you should think of the future. At present, it seems okay to maintain the situation. I’m telling you that it won’t be like this if you both continue that path you are on. I don’t believe that you can love two persons or more the same way, at the same time. If you want to settle for less or be the reason for him loving another person not as much, then it’s up to you. But if you ask me, you really should just move on.

One last thing, believe that as long as you are living the possibility and the reality of finding love exists.

You are a smart 35 year old professional nurse working in the UK. But like anybody else, yes, when it comes to love and relationship, being in the closet, is like looking for love in total darkness. And this is when we become kindergartens or neophytes committing a lot of mistakes.

I would say – – – there are different kinds of LOVE. And it all depends on what you are after that is the KEY towards your problem. Ano ba talaga ang hinahanap mo?

If you are looking for a long term GAY relationship THEN there is a very small chance of achieving this in the situation you are in right now.

But If you are happy being in the closet and loving another person who is also hiding in the closet, then you have to prepare yourself for a lot of heartaches and difficulties. I know a lot of people though who are in this arrangement.

So it is really up to you.

The roads to truly being happy is when you are Free. Free to kiss your beloved in public. To hold him. To have him. To share and enjoy life together without fear and embarrasment.