I just love it when some adoptive mom gets all riled up and decides to comment on a three-year old post. I guess they have to let the meanie moms like me know how wrong and bitter I am. Boo freaking hooooo. I don’t need anymore lectures on how saintly adoptive parents are as they rush around the world rescuing all the little children. Do you really not get how that sounds?

Is it really that hard to look at the date at the top of the post? Maybe even look around the blog to see if it’s still active? Oh well, thanks for reminding me to turn off my email notifications. You are at least useful for that

I have become stuck. I hide behind my mask. I have become so accustomed to hiding that I am stuck in that role. I can’t write. I can’t talk. I can’t reach out. I try to from time to time but I freeze and go right back to the role I have invented for myself.

There is so much inside of me. So much that fights to get out. So many words I can’t quite formulate. My story. The story of my daughter. How I became this thing adoption made me. The truth. I try but it sticks in my throat.

So dear readers I leave you with a song for now.

I have burned my tomorrow
And I stand inside today
At the edge of the future
And my dreams all fade away

I have burned my tomorrow
And I stand inside today
At the edge of the future
And my dreams all fade away

And burn my shadow away
And burn my shadow away

Fate’s my destroyer
I was ambushed by the light
And you judged me once for falling
This wounded heart arrives

And burn my shadow away
And burn my shadow away

When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
Burn my shadow
When I see the light
True love forever
When I see the light
True love forever
Oh burn my shadow
When I see the light
True love forever
Away

I got an update today. I wasn’t expecting one. I never really expect one. They are so few and far between. They just send them when they feel like it so I never know when it might be. There it was like a slap in the face. My heart instantly started pounding. I knew I should wait until everyone was asleep to open it but I didn’t. I should have.

It was filled with the typical things. Tiny crumbs of my daughter’s life. Then I read the line that ripped my heart out. She lost her first tooth. Her first tooth and I wasn’t there. I will never be there for anything. I missed it. I will miss everything. Every important moment in her life will just be a line in an email to me.

I can’t breathe. It hurts so deep my soul is screaming. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be this anymore. Yet I have to smile so my 2-year-old won’t realize there is something very very wrong with Mommy.

This is the face of adoption. The total destruction of a mother. Oh so beautiful

I have debated on how to address this for hours and have decided that I will just give it its own post. I got a lovely comment on 11-12-2010 from a person calling themselves Proud Adoptive Mommy. I have not published this comment because of how disturbing it is. However, I don’t feel that I can just let it go.

I will edit all comments that are abusive to say something you will not like. I will report any comments that I feel are threatening to myself, my readers or just anyone at all to the police. I do keep track of IP addresses for just this reason. I will edit out any use of birth terms in any and all comments. If you do not like it weellllll shut up and go away

A friend sent me this link and I was pleasantly shocked by the blog post. Its so rare for someone not connected to adoption to see the side of the mothers. Its even more rare for someone to speak out about it.

To all the fathers that are forgotten on this day. The fathers that long for information on their children. The fathers that wait to reunite. The fathers that never knew a child even existed. The fathers that miss their children with their whole soul. The fathers that have never heard these words before……..

Not many people are talking about the lack of support natural mothers recieve from the feminism and human rights community at large. I have often pondered why this is. I think Rox nailed it on the head in her post

I was reminded this morning of an email exchange in my recent past about Utah. I asserted that it was common knowledge in the adoption community that if you wanted to get around a father’s rights you go to Utah to file for adoption. I was told I had no clue what I was talking about and that Utah is not the hot spot for adopting kids whose father’s want to parent. I decided it was not worth the time and effort to continue with the email exchange and have not spoken with this person again. If I could talk to them right now all I would say is …… Oh Really?

And this doesn’t even touch on the things done to mothers who set foot in Utah. Let’s not forget the Baby Tamia case. How many father’s were not emotionally or financially able to fight. This has to stop! The state of Utah does not get to decide for the rest of the country who does and does not deserve to be a parent. This is plain and simple kidnapping

I’m sure many people that read my blog already know of the problems with safehaven laws. I am not going to rant about how they leave adoptees with no hope of knowing their identity, encourage women to risk their lives by not seeking proper medical treatment, completely ignore the rights of the father, don’t even bother to make sure the person leaving the baby is the mother ect. Ok well I won’t rant much.

I want to talk about another aspect of these laws. I recently have had the misfortune of seeing what happens when a mother tries to reclaim her baby within the time frame allowed in these so called laws. This mother was put through months of jumping through hoops. In the begining she was threatened with criminal charges and the removal of her other children. The father who was unaware of the situation also had to jump through hop after hoop while the foster to adopt mother bonded with his child. It was over a month before he was even allowed to see his own child. I will not go into details because it is not my story to tell.

The latest turn of events is that the mother’s name is to be added to a statewide list of predators and child abusers for life. This is after Children’s Services tried every trick in the book but was forced by a judge to return the baby. Now they want to label the mother as a child abuser for the rest of her life.

Correct me if I am wrong (and I know I am not because I have read the laws a million times) but don’t these laws state specifically that the mother will not face any consequences for safehavening a newborn? How then do they justify adding the mother;s name to this list when their own offices had to admit she was a fit parent. She has never been investigated for anything with her other children. Nothing was found in the investigation to return the baby.

This family has been in court for several months and are now facing another court battle to keep her name off this list. This will cost money that a military family with small children just does not have. So dear readers, is anyone in TN up for helping?