Tommy Wiseau Dead at 47

A former girlfriend reveals Tommy Wiseau’s former job as an Al-Qaeda drug runner.

HOLLYWOOD — Tommy Wiseau, director of acclaimed movie The Room, was found dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after his former girlfriend came forward with her account of the real life events which inspired The Room. Jolene McKinsey, Wiseau’s former fiance, told Internet Chronicle reporters, “I would say that The Room was based on our relationship, but Tommy’s reversed the roles. He slept with my best friend and was a cheap drunk. The only part he got right was how he couldn’t get aroused without humping my chest and abdomen.”

Many details of Tommy Wiseau’s personal life have formerly been a mystery to fans of The Room, but McKinsey told all. “Tommy is actually blonde and he made his money running opium and hashish from Afghanistan to his hometown in Austria and selling it to his friends in France. After 9/11, Tommy pulled a fast one on some of his Afghan business partners and wound up with a secret fatwah issued for his assassination by Al-Qaeda. So Tommy hid all his money in a Swiss bank and fled to America and he’s been laundering the Al-Qaeda drug money since, with all sorts of idiotic schemes. He thinks dying his hair black will fool the terrorists. They’ll kill him and make it look like a suicide, like in his movie.”

Greg Setero, who starred in The Room, recently released a book detailing his involvement in the $6 million production of the movie. When asked whether or not Tommy Wiseau could possibly have led a former life of crime, Setero said, “Suddenly all the strange questions I’ve had about Tommy make sense. May Tommy rest in peace.”