I'm transgender and confided in 2 close friends of mine about 8 months ago, it gave me relief and a chance to be myself around at least 2 more people in my life.

2 months ago, I found out they outed me to friends/family of theirs. I made a big deal out of it, but essentially let it go because nobody would own up to it or apologize and I didn't want to lose them as friends. I also was afraid if I pissed them off, they'd tell people. They played victim.

Last week, I found out people they outed me to told even MORE people, which is a direct result of them betraying my trust, and telling those people in the first place. I was crushed.

It's been 2 months since the initial incident and I feel that i'm still upset and hurt over it, but I don't know what I want. I don't know if an apology will help, will it make me feel better? Is it too late to re-open old wounds?

TL;DR: Outed as trans, let it go, don't want to make it a big deal but still hurt/want closure

First of all, you have every right to be upset and angry with these people. Second, you're young. When I was your age I was also afraid to stand up for myself out of fear that I would "lose friends". I guarantee that if you don't say anything and this continues to hurt, you will just feel bitter and angry and voiceless with these people. Tell your friends that what they did is fucked up and ask for an apology. If they balk at this, then they are not good friends.

I had friends that did similar fucked up shit to me when I was your age and they wouldn't own up to it. We had a falling out over it. Years later, we're friends again and I've forgiven them, because we all grew up. Maybe that will happen with your current friends. But don't lie down and take this. It's wrong.

OP, it sounds like this is something painful to you. Distance yourself from these people. You don't have to ghost them completely, but it's very okay to put them to the acquaintance tier from now on.

These days there's a lot of information about transgenderism. It sort of makes sense to talk about it within a limited group, to figure out how to be a proper friend, if this topic is something one is ignorant about. But talking to more people seems like this is not about being a better friend to you. Noteworthy too: you didn't get an apology, they didn't think they were in the wrong.

It seems like these people only see your transgender side when they view you, OP, not who you are besides the gender. You've already lost their friendship. Find new friends.

We have a lot of 'secrets' in this group of friends, some are more protected than others, some have more consequences than others. But these people in my friend group claim to be very supportive of LGBT people and claimed that they would support me no matter what, when I initially found out they outed me. Outing me is not supportive! They don't get it.

But I definitely do want to distance myself from these people, it's just that they're all I have so I keep trying to make nice.

OP, I'm an old dinosaur -- 40 -- and literally the first question out of my mouth when a young person came out to me earlier this year was: "Is there anyone you don't want me to tell?"

Like, that's common sense. Not everyone will be supportive, but let's be clear: supportive people will always figure out the boundaries that you need to feel safe.

That your friends have failed on this most basic step leads me to believe that they are not "safe" people. Adjust your friendship with them accordingly. Not everyone can be trusted to the same degree, and this situation underlines that truism.

My personal rule is that if someone comes out to me, I will not discuss anything that gives away their sexuality unless I know for certain the person I am talking to is informed. With my cultural background and my work, I know people who are out and proud as well as people who have to keep their sexuality a secret. It's always a good idea to be cautious until they say it's fine.

I sympathize with OP. It's not the same thing, but I used to have a friend who would out me all the time in social situations. Maybe it was because I seemed "obviously gay" or didn't care about admitting it when people asked - but she would disregard my feelings and agency when we were in social settings with complete strangers and announce that I was a lesbian to anyone nearby. I don't care who knows, but what if I did have a problem with it? What if I was scared for my safety in this environment? Why not ask me first, and why is it ok for you to announce my sexuality to others? Some people are just ignorant and have no social cues for what is acceptable is what I tell myself.

She and I aren't friends anymore, but not necessarily for that reason.

Anyone that outs you doesn't fully respect you and may not be someone you need in your life.

When I came out as gay, two of my close friends went around and told every one. I let it slide, but definitely regretted that. People who are willing to share your secrets do not value your privacy or safety at all, and somehow feel that the tiny amount of importance it makes them feel outweighs all the negative effects it would have on you. Those friends I had continued to prove that they cared far more about themselves than any one else, and if I could go back in time, I would have cut them out of my life way earlier.

What do you wish you would've done, besides cut them out? It's been 2 months and I know I want to cut them out, I know I have to. But I feel like I deserve some kind of fucking closure.

They don't think it's a big deal because they said that the people they told have "guessed" over the years and they "guessed it". They told them my preferred name, so no, they did not 'guess' that part.

Closure isn't something anyone can give you. Closure is is a state of mind you come to by yourself. Sometimes people can do things that might help, like explaining or apologising, but other people actually giving you closure is a myth.

Yeah, that is super shitty, they are definitely trying to downplay it. If it would give you closure, letting them know why they fucked up before cutting them out would be very valid. In my case, I stayed friends with them, and they eventually betrayed my trust in different ways, until I eventually cut them out. I'm happy to hear you aren't just going to let it slide like I did though. If they don't think what they did was wrong, they will continue to repeat their actions.

Their behavior is probably directly connected to them being "very supportive of LGBT people". Maybe they think different rules apply to them, because it isn't like they did it to be malicious, so it's (in their eyes) totally okay! They might also have outed you as a way to show how super supportive they are for having a transgender friend.

Here's the funny thing, I was feeling hostility from them and feeling unimportant and mistreated, unrelated to this situation, so I did cut them out of my life, all of them, for 3 months. We didn't talk from July-October. But my dumbass went back to them, and then I found out in that time that we weren't talking, they outed me.

The fact that I went 3 months without them once means I can do it again, and another 3 months, and another.

From everything you said, even if they're labeled "LGBT" friendos, they don't sound very friendly at all.
I understand it's hard to being alone and transitioning. Take the time to pamper and really focus on who you are and who you want to be.

Remember being alone is better than being with toxic friends.
Standing up for yourself will strengthen your values. It might take some time but you will find better friends. It's just a matter of time.

I was about your age when I lost my ENTIRE circle of friends. No exaggeration - all I had left were passing acquaintances who I barely had friendships with. A lot of it was my fault, of course; but a lot of it was theirs, too. The point is, I definitely felt very alone and scared at that time, like I had no one. It's since been 10 years and I made more friends in that time, met my now husband, have been married for over a year now, etc. And I still don't talk to most of that original circle of people (some of us have made up, but we don't hang out at all IRL).

Just understand that losing friends can be scary, but there will always be others out there who will treat you a lot better. These people don't sound like friends to you. Playing the victim over outing you after you told them something extremely personal in confidence - that's just very immature and they have a lot of growing up to do, still. Move on from these people and make new, better friends.

Honestly I wouldn't focus on worrying whether they'll tell more people if you leave their friendship because they've proven it's enviable. To avoid as backlash as possible from them I'd recommend just slowly fading away from their friendship. Your feelings are valid and it isn't your job to try and make them see why what they did was awful and dangerous. Protect yourself first.

OP, I am a stealth trans guy and I would ditch anyone who outed me. They betrayed your trust in a way that they don't truly understand because cis people never really do, and continue to do so. My privacy is super important to me and I would feel similarly crushed. Do yourself a favor and drop them, because I highly doubt they will stop doing this either way. Find some support among other trans people if possible.

The first person I came out to was my mom, and she outed me to my sister, 2 friends, and forced me to tell my dad. I was set up to fail from the beginning. But it sucks because while they're the ones that outed me, they're all I have. We're family friends and go way back, so it's shitty as hell that they did that to me and if I drop them, I have to drop them alllll and have 0 friends. I also fear that if I piss them off by dropping them, they'll tell more people.

Maybe shop around for some new friends first. Unlike relationships where that would be terrible and cheating, its healthy to find more good friends that will truly support you. Go to a meetup based on something important to you?

My parents forced me to tell people when I wasn't ready too. I had to drop family friends that knew me pre-transition because they didn't know how to act. And all of that sucks massively. They might tell more people whether or not you drop them, but if you leave, you don't have to deal with them knowing. If you don't leave, there's still no way to confront them without risking that they tell more people, that's really just a reality of being trans unfortunately. This is a shitty situation any way you slice it.

It was a matter of telling family in person, rather than over the phone or on FB or through a letter. Nobody knew exactly how hostile they would be to the idea (think religious on one side and conservative on the other), and it could have been very traumatizing for me to do this in person. I've heard things about "they're your family, they dont deserve to be treated like strangers" but honestly, my mental wellbeing was in shambles at the time and it was still not their decision to make. I'm never going to believe that my mental health should be second to their feelings.

These are shitty people if they're going to keep outing, and hurting you. Only control you have is over your own actions.

Sounds like you're friends out of potential blackmail than true friendship. This isn't healthy.

All my family is fairly conservative, I also came out to all my friends.

I came out 6 months ago. I don't have any IRL friends at the moment. I spend most of my time at home. Mostly online friends are the only people I hangout with (Games, etc) I don't even really talk to these friends very much. I have several friends I speak with maybe a couple times a week at most. My social life is non existent. I'm essentially a hermit. I occupy my time cooking, playing games, watching vids, and my hobbies.
It's really lonely. I'm really lonely. My aunt asked about my transition, she asked if I was lonely, I kind of broke down inside. I really am. Know that you are not alone. It's a difficult time but you will come out stronger on the other end.

People have a strong influence on you. The top 15 people you interact with the most in your life, you will change, learn and grow like them. Be the type of person you would want as a friend, caring, loving, and loyal. (Insert desirable traits here) and you will eventually attract people who are the same. Remember you WILL find friends. It's just a matter of when.

You were courageous and brave enough to come out. Go one step further and step up for yourself, don't keep toxic people in your life. You deserve better.

I know it's hard right now and the threat of having zero friends is scary. But it won't be forever. There are much better people out there. Don't settle for anything less than what you want.
/hugs /hugs /hugs

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Some other advice. If you are not comfortable with completely ghosting them. I suggest a tactic called gray-rocking. I do this with friends and family members that are not supportive of my transition. Gray-rocking means you just give back neutral-responses in conversation, in an attempt to bore the other person into leaving you alone. It works great on narcissists, bullies, etc.
Think short answers that are neutral, statements that don't trigger further conversation. You want to be super duper boring.

Examples:

"Hey do you want to go to the stadium" "ok"

"Wow I got ran over today! I almost died" "no way"
"You ate my fucking bacon you nut!" "sorry."
"OMG a once in a lifetime LGBT colored meteor just passed!" "cool"

Just curious how does this work, in terms of being outed to your dad and siblings who have known you all your life so I assume knew you pre-transition? Do you mean your mom forced you to out yourself when you decided to make the transition, but were still pre-transition? So nobody could tell physically that anything was going on?

Yes I was still pre-transition and I still have not transitioned yet, I guess that's important to note. To them, nothing was out of the ordinary. I told my mom, and she straight away told my sister without me knowing. And forced me to tell my dad because she couldn't "keep a secret from her husband".

If your gay and get outted, then while I guess your annoyed it wasn’t your choice, in the end your going to be happier because you can just live openly gay. I guess.

If you are trans, I assume you want people to perceive you as male, so people knowing you had to transition to that gender probably isn’t better, there is no silver
Lining to being outted.

I don’t really see what choice you had other than coming out to you family, otherwise they’d be “have you seen my daughter? And who is this guy who move into our house”.

Or perhaps you were just dressing different for different people. In which case is there not the same silver lining, now that it’s out you can dress as you like and act as whatever you feel is gender appropriate.

Probably shows that I have no direct experience with this, so please feel free to tell me where I’m wrong in case someone does come out to me

The first part about being gay is incorrect. Being out != being happy, and it's shitty for other people to out you, full stop. Not okay, ever, even if you think there's a silver lining somewhere, because it's not your place.

The issue was not that I had to come out, it was the method, and when. Those are things that other people do not get a say in.

Being out doesn't mean OP can express who they are because it may not be safe to. Trans people face a higher rate of violence and depending on where they live, may not be accepted at all. While living in the closet is difficult emotionally and mentally, so is being forced out to people who could have any number of reactions. Their friends and family members are taking away his ability to gauge who to tell. Now, I'm sincerely hoping OP never has to deal with negative reactions or violence. Its also important to remember that even in 1st world communities, there's still a lot of bigotry that is unaccepting. OP has every right to be concerned or upset by this because it may not improve their lives at all.

Honest hypothetical question. What if it was done with good intentions? OP said they outed them to family, what if they did that because they didn't want their family to say ignorant hurtful things so they gave them a heads up?

OP replied in another comment he made if absolutely clear that outing him is not acceptable. Whatever their intention was, they violated OP's trust, lied about it, did it again, and didn't even feel sorry.

It is straight up dangerous to out trans people. They could, in your example, educate their families without saying anything about OP and leave it on an “it’s important to be mindful and not make assumptions because you don’t know the experiences of the people around you” note.

Please dont speak for all cis people. I am cis, and I completely understand. And I personally would not remain friends with those people OP. You told them in confidence, and didn't want others to know and they broke the trust that was created.

If you want to remain friends with them, you need to make it really known that what they did was really wrong, that the trust is broken and there is a lot of healing that needs to be done in order to move forward, if that's what you want. It's not okay for people to take your life in their own hands, ever, no matter what or who you are.

I said what I said. As a cis person, you do not understand what it is like to be outed as trans. You can empathize, you can imagine, but understanding is different. Even being outed as gay is a different matter (and I was outed as gay before I realized I was trans).

Who said I was trying to find equality? You sound ridiculously condescending. God forbid anyone points out that it's impossible to understand what you haven't lived through, or are even tangentially related to.

My problem is you invalidate everyone's life experiences just because you think you have it worse, when in reality, pain and sadness and all those other emotions, are not on a scale. They are just there and everyone will feel them, whether they're trans or not, whether theyre cis or not. Stop invalidating people, and then maybe people would do the same for you.

omg - as a cis person I feel like I have some responsibility to tell you to shut the hell up here. No one is "invalidating" you bc they have pointed out that they have specific experiences you will never share. Pls, stop.

jtg11 was very kind with you to try to clarify, & you responded with an inappropriate put down.

Just because you say you understand doesn’t mean squat fucko. You have no idea how condescending it is to drop into a conversation with the presupposition that you already know all there is to know when you don’t and can’t because you aren’t part of the group being discussed. TRANS experience is being discussed here, not whatever the fuck else.

How can you pretend like anyone here is close minded when you fumble into the conversation already refusing to listen and speaking for others when you are so ill equipped to do so?

Take your edgy 6th grade psuedo philosophical intellectualism back to your parents basement where you should have left it.

Cis woman here. I could never begin to understand what trans folk go through in situations like this. Posts like this are important lessons for cis people, and we need to shut our mouths and listen. You sound condescending and you’ve already derailed a post that has nothing to do with you. If you don’t want cis people to have a bad name, stop talking

My partner and number one support system in the entire world is a cis person and I still say he doesn’t understand what it’s like to be trans. You’re overstepping here and I would rethink your position.

Well, for G-d's sake, OF COURSE you're upset. Your "friends" outed you, lied about it, did it AGAIN and aren't sorry. For anything you confided in friends, this is a betrayal (three of them?). When it comes to coming out, this betrayal could get a person killed.

I understand that icing them out or ghosting them might result in zero friends, but this is a bridge too far. They annihilated your trust. If they can out you to even more people, obviously protect yourself. That is priority ONE. But I agree with u/Lemony-Snippet about making new friends and then distancing yourself from them. Find ANY friends for now. Rabid raccoons would be better friends than these two.

And then when you make new friends and feel safe, I'd burn these friendships to the ground, middle-fingers-up style. You do not deserve to feel alone or lonely or unsafe or betrayed. I am so sorry.

Like, when people out you, they paint a giant, giant target on your back. Anyone who outs you is not your friend. You get to choose when you come out. Every time--every day--you get to choose that. If someone decides to that power away from you, they aren't being inconsiderate, they are actively victimizing you.

You don't need friends who are supportive of LGBTQ+ people. You need to be in an active queer community so that you can be protected. How you present has absolutely nothing to do with your gender identity. Please, OP, be careful. These people could cause you to get seriously hurt.

They don’t see that. They claim to understand when I talk about the risks of outing, and also the suicide attempt statistic. But when they choose to tell people, they’re telling people they love. So to them, they don’t see it as dangerous. I had one person tell me “oh I told my mom and dad becuase I thought they should know coming from me”. WHAT. Why is that something you thought they needed to know from YOU? She’s like “you were never gonna sit them down and tell them yourself anyway”. What the fuck.

Even in queer communities, I’m scared. Idk why. I just feel like I look stupid and I feel stupid asking people to call me different pronouns and names when I don’t feel like that yet. It’s so upsetting. But I’ll see if there’s a support group I can go to. I know there’s one an hour away from me on nights that I work, so it’s hard :(

My best friend came out as gay to me 3 years ago. He said I was the first person he told after his immediate family (the previous year). The following year he came out to everyone else who was not a close friend. During that whole time period my parents never find out (they treat him like a son and are super religious), because I never told them. The only person they could hear that from was from my friend himself. What business is it of mine? None. He took the time he needed and did it when he was ready. I was happy with how my parents took it (tho I’m sure it would be different if it was me, their biological son). These people don’t care about your point of view. Your identity is your identity, you get to choose when and who to show that too and they stole that away from you.

Honey, no queer community worth their salt would EVER balk at using your name and pronouns. It’s okay to feel scared and nervous, but know that there are many, many of us who support our trans and nonbinary brothers, sisters, and siblings.

Your comfort and safety come first, of course, but don’t ever feel stupid for requesting to be referred to as who you are. <3

This. Entirely this. I'm a nonbinary person in the queer LARPing community and there has been nothing but love and support. Asking preferred pronouns is a common practice. Please, find a safe and supportive queer community. You don't have to come out to them immediately, but please surround yourself with people who really care.

This. Entirely this. I'm a nonbinary person in the queer LARPing community and there has been nothing but love and support. Asking preferred pronouns is a common practice. Please, find a safe and supportive queer community. You don't have to come out to them immediately, but please surround yourself with people who who really care.

There's nothing stupid about how you feel, OP. There's nothing stupid about your pronouns or your gender identity. You are not being "silly." A good, supportive queer community will respect and uplift you, and they will make sure you are safe.

I would drop them so fast it’d make their heads spin. This wasn’t a ‘I shit my pants’ secret. This secret could very well cost you your life in this current climate. What they did was an ultimate betrayal of friendship. Personally, I’d keep my distance and ghost them all together.
I’m sorry they did this to you. You deserve better friends.

These people aren't your friends if they're continuing to betray your trust like this. I know it's hard because you don't want to lose them, but they are not your friends. Especially if you confronted them and they played the victim.

Distance yourself from them. Continue to live your best life. Find hobbies or groups to join. You can always go out and make new friends. Maybe find a trans support group that you can seek advice from. But you deserve better than people who blab your secret. Telling people you are trans could have serious repercussions in terms of your personal safety, your job, etc if you live in a more conservative area. It's really irresponsible of them to just tell everyone like it's no big deal.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you but someone needs to tell THEM that they could have put you in real danger. Obviously they don't understand trans people are assaulted and killed because of their gender identity. Do you need friends who would put your safety in danger? Your real friends are supposed to look out for it.

They don't think they're putting me in danger. I've told them the statistics, i've showed them the articles, they think who they're telling are people they can trust. They think those people would never harm me. They're wrong.

That’s not their fucking call to make. You deserve better people in your life than them. You can find other friends. Don’t degrade yourself by letting people continue to violate your boundaries and sense of safety. No one is worth that. No one.

You have every right to be as angry as you want. No matter how "accepting" the people they told are, or how confident you are with yourself. You're the only one who has any right to do that.

My dear OP, your "friends" betrayed your trust, and the fact that they didn't even have the guts to own up to it just makes it worse because they didn't even apologize. And then they act like the victims???? Drop them.

You deserve better friends, you're young and you'll meet so many more /and/ better friends, ones who won't pull this kind of bs. Don't be scared to tell them how shitty what they did is and if they don't apologize honestly,don't be their friend anymore. You deserve better (sorry if the grammar is clunky :/ English isn't my first language)

One of my friends outed me as a lesbian to my best friend 5 years ago and I stopped talked to her as a result of it. I completely get that you haven’t gotten over it, because it’s not something you can get over easily. Your friends are shitty people for not owning up to it and not understanding that what they did was shitty. You have every right to be pissed at them.

We got into an argument over text about her compulsive lying (this was the final straw in a long line of manipulative behavior bc I was 17 and naive as shit) and about her butting into my life and I just straight up cut her off. Literally have not spoken to her since.

We were in the same friend group, but some of the others saw that what she did was wrong (and they’d been used and lied to by her too) and sided with me (for the most part; I know they still hung out with her on the side for awhile). She never tried to apologize, and that whole incident left me with trust issues out the wazoo.

It takes awhile to realize that people who you thought were your friends really aren’t; it fucking hurts and leaves you confused about who’s really your friend and how friends are supposed to act. It’s not something you can just “get over,” so I don’t blame you at all for being pissed as all hell about this. Your friends don’t sound like understanding people; my best suggestion is to leave these ones in the past and start trying to make new friends or hang out with a different group.

Anyways, sorry for the novel, I just get really heated about people outing other people and not realizing they were wrong to do it. Pisses me off to the nth degree.

You have every right to feel betrayed and frustrated by their revealing a trusted secret- you have your reasons for keeping that information close and they should have respected that. The circumstance would be the same if this were anything else but in the end it comes to this: there is stigma around being trans and it's not their lives they're messing with by saying more.

I vote to make the seriousness of this clear to them because they may think they are going good for advocating for you. Perhaps they are, but this is your story to tell.

I couldn’t have made it more clear to them that it was sworn to secrecy. I was in tears when telling them. I should’ve known when the very next day, they asked me if I was planning on telling our mutual friends and they were pushing me to do it, telling me they wouldn’t care. I understand to a degree if they’re excited for me, and happy, but that’s still not their call at all. They outed me to a person who is transphobic and has made threats to trans people before. So there’s that too :/

Nope, they weren’t “excited for you and happy”. They cloaked it in good intentions but were dying to gossip about you, plain and simple. The fact that they pushed you to tell others was only to relieve themselves of the guilt of divulging such a deep secret. They had probably already told others and wanted you to out yourself to hide their actions.

I know it’s hard when you don’t think you’ll have any friends left. But you will make new friends. You’re not alone, and more and more people are making the same journey you are. You just need to go find the people who deserve your friendship and your trust.

I'm so, so sorry they did this to you. I would absolutely consider it a betrayal of trust.

If you feel you would like to try and salvage the relationships, I'm wondering if maybe there are some articles online that explain how absolutely inappropriate and heartbreaking this is to trans people. It sounds to me like these individuals don't respect you, but maybe they will respect some authorities online who are able to put into words the feelings you want to express.

Don't get me wrong, they should absolutely respect you, simply by the fact that you explicitly told them not to tell. They should have simply respected you, end of discussion. However, they didn't. And unfortunately, even the most supportive-seeming people might completely stomp all over your boundaries, but they might change their tune once a so-called authority puts into words why they shouldn't do what they do.

What I mean is that you telling them not to tell might seem like a boundary they can break - "oh, we know better than OP, they don't know what they're talking about, of course they'll be accepted." But if you were to present them with articles from doctors, or psychiatrists, or leaders in the LGBT community, explaining exactly why what they did was so harmful and devastating, suddenly, they might feel ashamed and realize what they did. Now, it's not just "oh, OP is so sensitive," now it's people who are authorities, telling them that true allies, which they claim to be, would never do such a thing. That other people would consider what they did completely inappropriate and wrong. That if they were to brag to their LGBTQ friends about how "woke" they are, they would actually be humiliated because what they did was so devastatingly wrong.

Again, these individuals should have respected you simply by virtue of you telling them not to tell. It should not require someone else to reinforce what you said. They should have accepted it, and respected your words. You would be completely Justified to cut these individuals out of your life, and even if you don't, I I would hesitate to trust them with any important information anytime soon. If you would like to try to work on these relationships, which you are not required to do by any means, this might be one way to start understanding and communication.

At the very least they don't get secrets anymore. They have lost the privilege of knowledge. I personally wouldn't remain friends with them but you do you. I recommend never telling them sensitive information ever again.

OP, these people aren’t your friends. Source: am non-binary leaning trans masc. you don’t want to cut them out entirely? Alright. Cats out of the bag now. But you never, never trust them with anything that matters to you again, because they have proved they can’t be trusted. Distance yourself for your own safety. It’s terrifying, but find new friends.

It is a betrayal of trust and also can be dangerous to out someone. Though they may be cool they can't guarantee that 2nd, 3rd or fourth degree (etc) contacts are also cool and may be motivated to use the information maliciously.

I would expect an apology myself. If they are not willing to do so i would distance myself from these people. They don't respect your wishes. As another commenter said. You're young you'll find plenty of people who you can trust and will have your back.

As an additional part of me thinks the reason they told others was a form of virtue signalling. But i'm a cynic in that regard.

I would expect an apology myself. If they are not willing to do so i would distance myself from these people.

Do you think it's too late to ask for one? It's something that has bothered me obviously since it happened 2 months ago but i'm scared to open old wounds and act entitled to an apology, even if I deserve one.

Its never too late to ask for an apology. And you shouldn't let the time thats passed make you feel less entitled to one. The sense of betrayal doesn't decrease in this regard. I'm not sure if they will understand why they should apologise, thats on their level of maturity and ability to acknowledge their own mistakes. But that does not diminish your right to ask for one or your entitlement to it.

I wouldn't tell them either if they don't apologise you don't want to know em anymore. I would though be too busy with "work, education stuff or other friends" to hang out with em. I'd worry about em bein shitty in retribution.

You should look into online support groups/forums if there isn't any real world places for you to link into. Its always nice to talk to peolle who get it. Plus an expanded friend group is nice if goung travelling.

Did you tell them that they can't tell other people? Your friends could have thought that it was not a big deal because it isn't a big deal to them. When I first came out as gay I didn't think that my friends would tell other people because it wasn't something I was proud of. But my friends were proud of me and told other people. It actually made it much easier for me because I don't have to come out to everyone personally.

Your friends probably don't have bad intentions, if you don't want them to tell other people make it clear to them. They can't smell your fears. Tell them.

I’ve made it so absolutely clear, that there’s no mistaking it. I could not have been more clear if I shook them by the shoulders and screamed at them. I was in tears when I told them. When I initially confronted them about telling, they said they didn’t, denied it, and said “maybe they guessed it”. Here’s where it gets fucked up. Sure, ok, they guessed it. Let’s go with that. But the reason I found out is because someone called me by my name that I want to ask people to call me by in the future. You cannot “GUESS” that. Assholes :/

Im sorry that that happened to you and like other posters said. You have every right to be upset. I don't know how to help the friendship, it looks like your friends don't realize how much this hurt you.

You know what’s the crazy thing? There are a few jaw dropping secrets in our friend group that don’t go beyond the group. But they still don’t understand. Their secrets have consequences too. And they still don’t get it. It’s crazy how delusional some people can be

Yeah I would definitely at least distance myself from them. People did this to me too when I came out as gay but tbh that's a lot less scary than coming out as trans. I was pissed but I can't imagine what you must be going through.

The secret's out now so all I can say is do things at your own pace. If asked about it, you can totally just say: "oh that's personal" or "I'd rather not talk about it right now, if that's ok with you." This can be done politely but it will also remind people that your transition is none of their business unless you choose to make it their business.

I would also suggest taking this tack with your "friends." Maybe by declining to confide in them anymore, they will begin to realize that your trust has been broken. Like others have said, you don't have to totally ghost them, especially if you're worried that it will cause more problems for you, but I would certainly advise you not the trust them with any more personal information.

It will take time, but you are young, and new, trustworthy people will come along. You'll know they're trustworthy not but what they say, but how they act.

Are they sensitive to your needs? Are they respectful of your privacy? Are they supportive when you do choose to confide in them? Then they're keepers.

Do they press you for information you're hesitant to share? Do they make insensitive comments with little/no regard to how they affect you? Move along, or at least keep a safe distance.

This will be a rough phase in your life. I have trans friends with really rough stories. Even the best stories are still rife with emotional turmoil and strained or lost friendships. I would suggest finding some mental health resources to get through this period. If you have the option/insurance coverage, you should look for LBGT-affirming therapists in your area. If not, look around for free resources. In most major cities now, there are LBGT youth centers who offer these free mental health resources. If that's also not an option for you, look around online for support groups or LBGT communities you can join.

You are loved and deserving of love! Even if you know that in your heart, other people's negative attitudes can sow doubt. Keep reminding yourself! Best of luck!!

Thank you so much for this! I for sure will not confide in them anymore, although all of my secrets are out. There's not one thing they don't know about me anymore, and that's kind of scary too.

I can't tell if they're being sensitive to my needs because clearly they didn't understand my absolute fear with coming out. They "seem" supportive, they've told me over and over how they'll always be there for me through my transition and yet, when I was outed by a person they told, they did not comfort me in the slightest, even after I reached out. Ignored my text.

I have tried therapy soooo many times in my life, even a few gender therapists, with no relief. More recently I tried a therapist about an hour from me who was gender specified and she was great! But even with my insurance, the co-pay was $100, and I work 5 days a week and couldn't take the time offf to go see her so I stopped seeing her.

Your "friends" didn't even apologize? Heres the thing, you told two people, and they told more. Nothing can change that. But you can't trust them now either, and you'll have to watch what you say around them because you KNOW they betrayed your trust, and they'll do it again. It doesn't matter if they played the victim, or lied about it, or anything else, they betrayed you, and don't even apologize for it? Why would you want these two around you anymore? There's a point when people grow up, your 23, they're 18 and 20. You have matured, they have a ways to go. Have you talked to other transgender people, see how they may have handled coming out? Just talking to someone could help, someone to share things with, or ask advise from. But your 2 "friends" the ones you told so you would be more comfortable and honest with, have shown you they can't be trusted. Even if they said they're sorry now, it's too late. They should have said it already, and you still couldn't trust them. Cut em loose.

This is why trans people feel less connected and have a higher risk of experiencing mental health issues. I’m so damn sorry that people you considered close friends would do something like that to you!!!! Please please know that not everyone would betray you like that. There are good people in the pros that would never do that to you. I work with kids every day and my main goal is to make sure they accept EVERYONE and show compassion for their struggles. The world will not always be like this.

And i've said that to them so many times, i've mentioned the suicide rate, i've mentioned the abuse/assault rate, they still don't grasp it. I know there are good people in the world, I just have yet to find them :(

I am sorry that happened. That was really lousy, and it should not have happened. There is no excuse for betraying the trust of a friend that way. Now that we are here, I do think it may be helpful to consider the intent. If it was to make fun of you or ostracize you, by all means cut ties and move on. On the other hand, if they told people because they just didnt understand how important it was to keep it confidential, if they saw you being happy and out with them. If their intent was to be supportive and helpful, and believed others would feel the same, and that the support would let you finally be comfortable being you, it is still completely fucked up, and it still should have been your decision, on your terms, but if these people still want to be your friends after finding out, it might be worth exploring a way to repair your relationships. good luck

When I told them, they did seem happy for me, and excited for me. But that excitement turned into pressuring me to come out to people. When I didn't want to, they told them anyway. And I get that feeling of wanting to share things with people for the 'shock' value. One of my favorite things to do is watch movies with twists with people who have never seen the movie before. Just to see the look on their face. So I understand that it's a similar (but fucked up) reaction they're seeking.

But they absolutely knew how important it was to keep it a secret and went beyond that. I had tears in my eyes when telling them, out of fear. They outed me to someone who has said he would slit the throat of any trans person that hit on him. That's not putting my best interests first.

So sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I want to share a couple of things from my life that may help!

Just recently, a trans friend-coworker of mine made comment about “a new person will be announced at the staff meeting!!” While giving me the wink-wink-nudge-nudge look when it was me and another coworker (who doesn’t know about her being trans) and I replied with “OOOH SNAP!” Because i knew it was the name reveal and a coming out thing but the other coworker didn’t know and asked me about it when my trans friend left and I simply responded “you’ll find out soon.”

That’s true respect for others! I never talked about it with anyone else except for him. Same thing with my cousin who from our childhood we both saw how uncomfortable he was as a she but I never said anything about it unless he spoke to me about it. When he finally came out that he was starting the process, I was over the moon for him! It was only then did I start calling him by the appropriate pronouns around other people (namely family).

As for toxic friends, I basically left a big group of people a few years back. I knew deep down it wasn’t a good group dynamic ever since it formed. I was an outsider to the group and due to my parents overbearing nature that restricted me from doing anything outside of their home. I didn’t see how bad things were until I noticed the way they treated me when my boyfriend first met them and later pointed out to me.

They never texted/ call to hang out or see how I’m doing. 90% of the time they were already hanging out together but only invited me when I invited myself. I have gone above and beyond helping them and doing favors for them as well as car rides and paying for stuff that I never got “thank you’s” for. They didn’t ask about things going on in my life but loved talking about their own lives and as a group.

When the big group split in half (a major couple broke up and hell broke loose), it was a stupid reason for doing so and I refused to take a side and neither side liked that at ALL. I thought everything was immature and lots of miscommunications and possible lies and no evidence to back up what they said. I was ghosted pretty hard and communication was more of “let me talk about my life to kill off extra time I have and not ask about you and belittle what you’re in to now because I’m beyond that, thx bye!”.

I ghosted them completely and none of them have even tried reaching out to me since I simply stopped trying to make myself part of the group. Who knows what they say about me, I don’t care but I have been curious! They’re more than happy to shit talk others behind their backs. But you know what? I felt a heaviness lift up from me when I decided they’re not my friends anymore and dropped them.

Being alone is better than trying to force something to work that clearly doesn’t work. Sometimes we outgrow people and that’s okay. You’ll find more like minded people who will become your new friends. :)

Thank you for this! I've had a lot of trouble with this group of friends, and I feel like such an outsider. 4 people in the group are coupled off and hooking up, the other 2 older ones are married, so I basically AM the outsider. It's a shitty dynamic. The other night, I know it's a fucked up thing to do but I read one of their texts and in the texts, one of them said to the other "It bothers me that you still want to be close friends with gaycheesecake" and she replied "I don't but they're all I have".

Hi! Fellow trans person here (nonbinary). You have every right to be upset with them and hold onto this, if you wish. Especially if you're in areas where the current political climate means being outed could risk your safety. Personally, I would very clearly explain the safety implications of their actions (violence against trans people is higher than any other LGBT minority), and then cut them out. Anyone who doesn't put in even the most basic work to be an ally isn't the level of compassionate needed to be good friend material. My heart goes out to you. If you want somewhere to talk, feel free to hit me up in the comments or DMs

I've explained the safety thing, the statistics, the suicide attempt rate, etc. And they still didn't care. In fact, they outed me directly to a person who has said that they would slit the throat of any trans person who hit on him. Like what the fuckkkkk. That person was one of their brothers so they didn't think he would actually harm me but thats NOT their call to make.

Oh my gods. That...is horrific. And entirely not their call to make. I don't think you're going to get any sort of closure from people who misunderstand this badly, and please don't let a desire for closure stop you from cutting them out of your life yesterday. Sending you jedi hugs, if hugs are your thing.

Why weren't they so afraid that they'd piss you off if they told people? I think the answer to that is group-think, herd mentality. They would still have each other if they lost you, and you are outnumbered.

So. Do you want to spend you life being put against the heard? Or do you want to be one with the heard? Find a new flock, babe. You're not a cow at all. You're a fucking bird. Use those lovely wings, and metaphorically shit on their heads as you fly off, yes, into the sunset.

You're absolutely right. I know I don't matter to them, and it's made clear now. They all have each other and nobody ever has me. And it's my own fault for trusting them, and for hoping that they wouldn't do that to me. Part of me came out to them to try and bring myself closer to them, because they're all so close and open with each other. It didnt work, clearly.

But thank you so much, I really love this message and your words mean a lot. I am a fucking bird.

It’s just hard becuase im not ready. I’m terrified still. I still present as female, my body isn’t where I want it to be, I don’t want people to not take me seriously by being like “hey I know you think I’m a girl and I have big boobs that I can’t hide, but call me male please”. I just will look so stupid. I’m not ready which is why I’m an idiot for telling people before I was ready but I had to, I was feeling so alone in this

You did the right thing by sharing the burden of your journey. The fact that you shared it means that on some level, the inner you is ready.

But please don't feel that you have to launch yourself out all at once. Share what you feel comfortable sharing while you begin the steps you want to take to align who you are with how you look.

But step one will be to learn how to talk down the voice in your head calling the beginning of this process stupid. It isn't, and you absolutely have the right to use any pronouns or identifiers you wish no matter how you look. It is not stupid, it is authentically you, regardless of how others respond to it. Please remember that you are valid and so is your journey.

I really hear the hurt in the way these friends have betrayed your trust. I also want to acknowledge your ability to confide in them. It sounds like the relief that comes with being yourself is very important for you.

I was curious, if you were to imagine that you were talking with them and gave yourself permission to be completely honest and express your hurt, what would you say in the moment? You don't have to share that here, I say this as an invitation that might be helpful to do somewhere where you feel safe with your thoughts. Perhaps this might provide some emotional closure and give you further clarity about whether or not you want to confront them directly.

I hope it works out and you receive the closure you need. Be kind to yourself over there.

I'm surprised that they went ahead and outed you further after the first time.
Another vote to distance yourself. I told family I was trans and most friends. Even most that are supportive I keep relatively low contact with. Transitioning is a hard time and you will lose many people in your life. But you will find much better ones, people accepting of your true self.

Your "friends" sound like assholes and don't deserve you.
And they don't sound very knowledgeable about LGBT issues if they just out their friends like that. Being able to trust your friends is a huge thing and I don't you can do that with these buffoons.

I'm surprised that they went ahead and outed you further after the first time.

It's hard to explain in my post but basically, they outed me without my knowledge however many times, not sure now. But after I found out, I found out that 2 people they outed me to have told other people, and those people had no shame telling me they've told other people. So i'm furious they outed me, but even more furious they outed me to people who proceeded to out me even more

don’t have much advice but, wow i’m so sorry that happened to you op. coming out as trans would be a really significant part of your life and you should have the right to decide when and where to do it, and your friends should have respected that.

Hey OP. I'm also a trans guy and this same thing happened to me. It's easier said than done to just ditch your friends. Honestly it has happened so, so many times that if I ditched everyone who has outed me to somebody else, I wouldn't have any friends.

It hurt me immensely when I found out some of my friends had outed me to others. I let them know how much it hurt me and I absolutely demanded an apology. The reason I kept them as friends is because when they apologized, I could tell they realized how much they hurt me and how much they fucked up.

Since it's happened to me so many times, I've come to learn that people who aren't in our position can't even fathom how destructive and devastating this can be for us. Some of my really good queer friends even outed me. It blows my mind, but it's reality. I'm not sure if time has made it better, or I'm just numb to the heartbreak and devastation of it happening this many times.

So, my advice to you is: It isn't too late, demand an apology. See how your friends react. If you're satisfied with their apology, then you can gauge your relationship going forward and (hopefully) see if they can regain your trust. If they won't apologize, or give a half-hearted apology, then you know that these people really aren't the friends you thought they were and that you're better off without them.

Lastly, I'm just sorry. I know how incredibly painful it is to have this happen. In no way am I pushing you to do the same, but personally I just finally came out on social media to everyone. I hated having to go through the process of working up the courage to tell people, agonizing over keeping it a secret, and then feeling like others were using my own identity as leverage against me.

One person that outed me is someone who I believe is not straight, so I feel like he possibly did this to deflect off himself. But he also claims to be a big ally and so he should've understood the implications when he did it.

I so badly want to demand an apology but it'll just come out of nowhereeee. There's some other things going on in my friend group that's more important (they think) so i'll wait a little before bring this up again. I also am unsure if I should do it on a group text or not, because its 2 people who outed me but i'm more sure about one of them being the 'main outer'. They're dating so they realistically told people together.

And yeah i'm just not ready to transition so I don't feel like this is something everyone should know about me till my body reflects my mind :(

An ex friend outed me to another friend a couple years ago. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I think I would have done if I took better care of myself and understood my emotions better back then.

I'd have told her that no, it wasn't okay because that information was private, and that it hurt to be treated like that. If she acknowledged it and apologized, I'd have probably tried staying in contact to see if it works. If not, I'd have cut contact with her.

I did in fact cut contact with her later, but for other reasons. And while it did feel like I was losing someone important and that I'd never find any friends again, it got better over time.

Looking back, I just think there's no point being friends with someone you can't trust and who wouldn't acknowledge that they did something wrong just because they care more about feeling good about themselves than they care about you.

Some people just aren't worth it. Regardless of how long you've known them, how close you have been, or how entangled your lives are. The best thing sometimes is to just cut them out. It will probably suck a lot but that's life and better than kowtowing to people you can't trust.

What did you expect? When you give people information of this gravity of course people are going to talk about it , more likely trying to gain insight and understanding themselves, if you think about it you are being a lie then asking other people to be in on it is very selfish , seek counselling this is personality disorder stuff , like you’ve set it up to fell sorry for yourself at your friends expense, be very careful that you don’t go off on some sympathy trip and find people who agree with you at the expense of your own evolution , remember it’s easy to change your sex put hard to change your mind.

I “investigate” thing for a living, and I’ve been doing it for a long time. One thing I’ve learned it’s that people talk, ALWAYS, people talk..

You felt the need to tell someone, so did they, it’s human nature. It’s something you can count on, and you should. But you already know all of this, and you said it yourself, “in this group we have a lot of ‘secrets’”. If they were ‘secrets’ no one would know them, but everyone does. You knew the group like to gossip but you shared anyway.

When you tell someone something, **they WILL tell someone else, and the person they told will tell others, and the juicier the information the more people will be told, they’ll just promise not to tell the person who the information is about. The difference in this situation is they you found out, and you found out because the info was so juicy it spread so fast it circled back to you.

If one other person knows something, you can guarantee that it’s no longer secret, and never was.

This is terrible advice though. What if you're being abused, what if you were raped, what if you're in danger?

Is English you first language? Because it seems you don't understand the definition of the word "secret".

The first definition of the word "secret": kept from knowledge or view.

If you've been abused, raped, or in danger you go to the police for help, you want as many people to know that you are in danger. It's not the time to keep something secret.

No, everyone in our friend group does. A secret is not a situation that only one person knows.

If everyone in your friend group does this then why are you surprised they told other people? There is a big difference between something being secret and something that's not discussed. At my job two married people are having an affair, they each told one of their work friends, everyone in my building of 500 people know, it's not discussed when the cheaters are around, but everyone knows, and everyone talks about it behind their backs, why does everyone know? Because the people they told, told 1 other person, and so on and so on. The SVP makes decisions because he knows about the affair, and the two cheaters think they are fooling everyone, it's so pathetic. The only reason their spouses haven't been told is because there are no children involved, and no one is close personal friends with the cheaters, so no one is willing to stick their neck out.

Sounds pretty victim blamey :/

I know you are upset they told your secret, but you already admitted that this what your friend group does, so why did you somehow feel immune from their gossiping.

Live and learn. If you don't want anyone to know something don't tell anyone. PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS TELL SOMEONE, I've witnessed it a thousand times over.

Lol yes English is my first language but not every word is strictly used by it's "definition". Words have meanings that aren't defined by dictionaries.

If everyone in your friend group does this then why are you surprised they told other people?

You misunderstood. I said this secret is between my friends and I, NOT "everyone" like you stated. That is what makes it a secret. Only a select few know this, not the entire world. If everybody knew everything, the word secret would be defined out of existence.

I know you are upset they told your secret, but you already admitted that this what your friend group does,

Where did I admit this? If I gave off that impression, i'm sorry, but no, there are secrets confined to our friend group that do not get broadcast like mine was.

Here's the distinction. This will not be a secret forever, and eventually, I DO want everyone to know this about me.

You seem very hurt and i'm sorry if you are, but living bottled up is no way to live. If I had to keep this pain and suffering to myself, I would've killed myself long ago. I HAD to tell someone.

You cannot change sexes. Your sex and chromosomes will never change. But you can change how you are seen socially and how your appearance matches your inside feelings. I was outed because I have not transitioned yet, and was not ready for others to know that I planned on transitioning in the future.

Why do you want to hide this fact? I'd just be honest and open about it because it's a big thing and except if you live in an Islamic country or other very Orthodox community, I don't see any benefit to hiding this.

Imagine that you're dating someone, will you also hide it for them? Or tell them and demand they don't tell others?

I'm not ready to transition yet. If your hair is brunette, but you're going to dye it blonde for the holidays, are you going to walk around telling people "I AM BLONDE, call me blonde, address me as blonde, don't even think about calling me brunette!"

That's how I feel. I am not ready for the world to know this about me, i'm fearful, i'm terrified of being hurt or abused, or even killed. I live in the US, worth nothing, where even our president is trying to undefine us out of existence.

If I am dating someone, I will tell them, and I will demand they don't tell others, I don't see what is wrong with that.

I think you deserve an apology however I'd start the conversation in a reasonable way. That means you can walk away without any regrets regardless of the outcome!

For example:

You know it was really hard for myself to accept that I am transgender but by telling two of my closest friends it gave me the opportunity to be myself in a safe environment, before I decided how to tell others and who I wanted to tell.

I know you guys don't feel you did anything wrong but telling other people I was transgender after I asked you both to keep this private is unkind and a betrayal of my trust. To then do it a second time really hurt my feelings!

I'm not asking for much, just an apology so we can try to move past this point. I'd also like you to stop telling other people too.

If they won't apologise or try to make excuses then they really aren't good friends. You can tell them that and go on your merry way!

Basically, they outed me to however many people before I found out. So it's like a tree basically. A and B outed me to C and D. Once I found out, A and B stopped outing me, to my knowledge. But C and D BOTH told other people, which is a direct result of A and B telling them in the first place.

Where did I say everything is a social construct? I didn’t. There’s so many other places to debate gender, this isn’t one of them. I’m male. I always have been, I always will be. You can’t change sex, you can change gender.

Crazy that there’s historically so many trans people in history, and this viewpoint still exists. How long till people figured out being gay wasn’t just a trend? You’re not breaking anything to me that i haven’t heard 100 times before and you also won’t change my mind.

Yeah mate, Julius Caesar, William Wallace, Sparta and the German army - all trannies. Every pseudo-condition like this has an artificial mythology and selective-pseudoscience in order to convince some.poor saps to go get surgery without ever seeking professional psychological help.

If you think you are the opposite gender, don't you think it would be healthier for you to 'accept the skin you're in'?

But anyway it's clear that you are indoctrinated by the latest cultural propaganda ...but enjoy the latest craze while it lasts. 👍

I just have a different mindset. Fear paralizes and I refuse to be paralyzed any longer, just tryna pass the flame on that’s all. When your life is on fire for something, people will come from miles to see you burn. Aloha✌🏽🤙🏽

Trans people are at a high risk of being victims of homicide or assault. In many states it's legal to evict or fire a person for being transgender. It's a matter of safety everywhere around the world, don't assume it's safe here just because our dominant religions are different flavours.

Whatever the intentions, they did exactly the opposite of what he asked them to. We don't know if OP has a secure housing situation or if his family is affirming and whether he still depends on their support. We don't know if there are people around him who might try to "correct" him with violence. We don't know if he lives in a place where he could be coerced into conversion therapy. It wasn't their secret to share - it was OP's.

I'm a lesbian. There are still 15 states in the US where I can legally get fired for being gay. I have been gaybashed 3x in my life and deal with homophobia every day when people find out I'm a lesbian. and I'm lucky because I'm a cis woman. Trans people have it much, much worse and it is legal to fire them in way more states.

I had friends who outed me as gay. I'm not. Anyway, i'm not friends with those people anymore. You'll find your own path.

Closure is like revenge, you'll never truly find it. The only way to find closure is with time. Let it go. A year from now, it will be an extremely distant memory, and you'll be glad that you didn't pick at it.

If you truly wanted to tell someone without it getting out, then tell a counselor, doctor, or therapist.

I'm not saying that what your friends did was fine, but it shouldn't be that surprising. Secrets are a burden that you shouldn't put on people, especially friends.

When I was young, every person I ever told I was gay and asked them not to tell anyone has ended up telling people. You can pretty much count on it. Either accept that and stop asking people to keep secrets for you, or keep asking people to keep secrets and lose all your friends. The choice is yours.

Do not compare being outed as transgender to being outed as gay. For one thing it is far, far less dangerous. For another, there are trans folks who live their lives without sharing their past at all, and they have that right.

And in either event, someone's journey is their own to share, period. Yes, it is likely that some people you come out to may out you to others. But it is callous and misguided to insinuate that coming out to trusted friends should come with the expectation of coming out to the world. And it is absolutely okay to expect discretion from others, especially people you trust.

Source: Am gay, have one trans ex-boyfriend and my current boyfriend is trans, and I published a book.