Very good grammar, compared to a few other things I see in here. I'm interested to see how this turns out!Also, kudos to you for the Bidoof playing the bit of the outcasted pokemon role.However, I recommend that you give a bit more exposition to characters. I am having trouble with finding out certain aspects of the characters.But, continue on, its good!

_________________"As I look up from the groundI see darkness all aroundAnd I'm lost but can be found up in the skyGoodbye"

Very good! Although, I would like to point out that you said "Operation: Leave the House has just inaugarated". I think the word 'commenced' might work better. All in all, very good. I especially got a few lols out of the writing. Also, I like your avatar. I cant figure out why, though... :p

_________________"As I look up from the groundI see darkness all aroundAnd I'm lost but can be found up in the skyGoodbye"

I have to warn you. In chapter two there are a few ... incorrectly written sentences. Some of them need a semi-colon or a coordinating conjunction to be written correctly. We don't want a comma splice now do we? Overall I thought it was well written and I like how it flows from one place to next. I've read some others and I found most of them choppy but yours seems more natural. I hope you stick with this story line. It could really turn into a fantastic story. One pointer though is that you might want to define your characters more and give us more of a sence of their thoughts. Their wants and desires. Maybe even their fears. Add a little more depth and this story will unfold magnificently.

_________________

Last edited by Articuno63 on Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm still laughing actually. Coordination conjunction. I'll mash together a coordinating conjunction with a semi-colon and a comma splice. I'll call it, THE COLLEGE KILLER, because it'll kill my college career

_________________

Last edited by Evolutions44 on Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

(Again, OHSHI-), I'm also the only guy who reads this, since D101, Evo44, and Articuno63 from what it seems, are all girls. Yay for me!In the end of chapter 5, I kinda got confused as to why Ken lashed out, so try to emphasize on the other characters' thoughts. Other than that.................................YAYZIEZ!!!!!!11!!!1!!1one!!one!!EDIT: Oh god, what have I done?!? My mind must have been on crack or something!You people remind me of how Drago_girl and I talk sometimes.

_________________"As I look up from the groundI see darkness all aroundAnd I'm lost but can be found up in the skyGoodbye"

Haha sorry for the short short SHORT chapter guys, but I think it got the general point across about Clover, no?Anyways I'm working on the next chapter so hopefully it'll be up WAY sooner than the last one

//crosses fingers

EDIT: My GOD it has been over three years since I've so much as touched this fic. Time to change that. I also have no idea who Clover is, still, and they probably won't stick in the story. WHOOPS

_________________

Last edited by Evolutions44 on Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot post attachments in this forum