John "Coo-coo-ca-choo" Winston Ono Lennon, (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980) was a successful hippie and misogynist who operated during the chaotic, anarchy-fueled days of the 1960s. He was most famous for his involvement in trying to ruin the glory of AmericanCapitalism and stealing all the glory from Elvis Presley.

Lennon crafted a career on singing about love, drugs and shit but also built an empire of hate by of pissing off a lot people along the way. He was a symbol of fear in the higher, more expensive seats in all governments across the world. The way Lennon talked and sang seemed to them to be deeply and culturally subversive. They tried investigating his personal life by means of Wire tapping, stalking, and employing professional peeping toms, trying to figure out if he was a terrorist. Eventually, much to the officials' delight, Lennon was shot and killed in the 1980 by Mark David Chapman on a rare excursion in New York. But to truly understand this controversial man, we must go back to the beginning....

Contents

At a young age, John Lennon was cruelly stolen from his wild, barefoot running mother Julia and taken to live with his Aunt Mimi in Liverpool. Lennon's father, a deck-swabber on one of the British Navy's lesser clam fishing ships, had left the family to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a fully fledged whaler. However, this action seriously affected young John, who had desperately wanted to accompany his father (since the age of two, he had also become obsessed with the though of killing and feasting on whales. Aunt Mimi was a total square, all prim conventionality. Luckily, Mimi's restrictive lameness fueled young John's zeal for anarchy and disruptive disrespect for authority.

At age 15 (more or less) John Lennon was vandalizing the boys' toilet, oops, redecorating the school washrooms, when the pigs on campus threw him into detention. The groovy part about all this Establishment uncoolness is that John Lennon just happened by fate to take his seat next to a young man his age with gorgeous eyes. Anyway, the two struck up a conversation, and a musical partnership was born. Oh yeah and the beautiful, wonderful George Harrison was there too.... (except he was in the room heading over to the office, where he was going to be awarded the "Pupil of the Month" award).

Following his heart (or perhaps, his penis), Lennon shagged, got pissed, shagged some more, bought a guitar, and formed a ska band with his newfound friends. The band initially took the name of Bozo Dog and the Plastic Quarry Pit Elephant's Memory All Armenian Heart Attack Band. The boys later adopting the shorter and more sensible name of The Pinned Beatles. The group decided on trying to play every Saturday, even though it would be difficult, since Lennon was just entering art school to meet classier women and doodle dirty pictures until the pubs opened.

So, at age 19, Lennon and his two friends were rocking out on top of a wheelbarrow at a country club dinner party, because everybody knows that's the best place to have a rock concert. The most they generated from their audience (a.k.a three teenage lowlives) and the surrounding party-goers was either foot clapping and hand stomping, or remarks such as, "Quiet down over there!", "You're hitting the wrong chords!", or even, "Quit playin" that devil's music and pick up a banjo!". Luckily, Lennon's tough spirit kept Paul, George, and their rented-by-the-hour drummer going. Lennon narrowly avoided having intercourse with Paul and George that night for some funyuns.

Upon hearing that they made some great crumpets up in Hamburger, Germany, Lennon packed up, swiped a few hundred pounds from his auntie's pocketbook, and dragged his friends with him. Johnny fit in quite well in the Land of Lederhosen, and used his tremendous crowd skills on the gullible German audiences that the Beatles played to at the various bars and opium dens across the countryside.

Fortunately, one gloomy day in August, a beautiful, magnificent savior (no, not that one!) named George Bilderburry swooped in to rescue the boys from their lives sleeping in cow manure, and even had the kindness to allow Ringo Starr to officially join their band, since even though he looked like one of the 2010 Rolling Stones members, he could still hold a beat better than any drummer the guys had had before (when he wasn't drunk).

So, the boys returned home to England, where Mr. Bilderburry outfitted them with the most advanced recording technology of their time, hoping that this time he hadn't picked another lame-ass British wannabe group. Lennon and McCartney soon found that, by using Paul's music and John's lyrics, they could make music better than even Red Hot Chili Peppers! Thus, the Beatles crapped out their first golden album, and on goes the legacy of the Beatles.

During his times with those guys, Lennon wrote many notable songs for the band, including "She Said Drop Dead", "A Day With His Wife", and "I Have Some Jaundice". But it was during the writing of these songs that McCartney began to question Lennon's dictatorial leadership of the band, and started writing silly and meaningless songs just to piss Lennon off, not realizing that Lennon's songs had been silly and meaningless in the first place. This was the spark that started the wild competition between Lennon and McCartney.

Finally, in the 1970s, Lennon had had enough. Working with his three inept comrades in this band wasn't enough. John officially ended the Beatles, after flipping a coin. John was lonely without a little help from his besties, however. He had met Japanese supermodel Yoko Ono, and the two quickly moved into a happy American life in New York City. Lennon was done with the music scene for nearly five months. Then he realized how much fun it was to make money from music than to spend it in bed with his gorgous yet slightly controversial wife.

If one thing was more important to young Lennon than Communism, it was shaggingposhLondon birds with long hair. If two things were more important to him than Communism, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair and getting pissed at the local pub. If three things were more important, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair, getting pissed at the local pub, and shagging again. But if four things were more important -- and this is key -- they were shagging, getting pissed, shagging again, and the exciting polka music of American musicians like Elvis Presley, Malcom X, and The Monkees.

On June 20, 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCartney to sing The Ballad of Paul McCarthy, a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin Powers. Ringo, doped out and having teetered at the edge for all those years, finally snapped and pulled a nine millimeter on McCarthy, as well as an ax conveniently close by. The startled Beatle attempted to get away, but Ringo was hell-bent. He fired off two rounds at Paul and threw the ax through the back windshield, chopping off half of McCartney's hair and sending The Beatles car hurtling into a utility pole named Bob. Bob, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle.

McCarthy, now disoriented and suffering from a skull fracture, a couple of broken ribs, and having singed away his hair, managed to pull himself out of the now trashed car, but he failed to notice that the lights had changed, and did not see the banana peel. He naturally slipped on the banana peel and was hit by a lorry, fatally wounding him. Ringo, now totally incensed that he hadn't got a shot in at Paul, aimed at the desperately crawling Beatle, but George, seemingly absent from all previous events, swooped down on a cable, let out a deafening shriek and tackled him as he fired. The shot, narrowly missing McCarthy, instead hit a pipe at a gas station on the road where the tragedy took place, blowing the beaten Beatle, along with his car, the lorry, the gas station and banana peel to Kingdom Come.

The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a strawberry field day with this, decided to dump McCartney's ashes in a cornfield south of Leeds. The band, excepting John, decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul. But, during the argument, John accidentally kicked over the urn containing Paul's ashes, sending everyone into a frenzy.

John Lennon merely escaped with a broken testicle and a sprained left arse cheek. Unlike John's lucky escape, Ringo's nose was chopped off by George's almighty wrath, so he underwent surgery. The surgeon, Dick Van Dyke, was an escaped prisoner and did a truly shit job, meaning Ringo was burdened with a massive conk. Therefore, he was named 'King Konk' as later, Adrian Brody was also nicknamed in the making of King Kong. Also caught up in the frenzy, George Harrison had taken a blow to the mouth by Lennon's wrecked testicle and his perfect teeth were dislodged from their gums. Toothless and living off Heinz beef broth, George ran to close friend and tooth model Steve Buscemi. Buscemi generously offered George a set of new teeth as he had 'more than enough to go round'. From then on Harrison was recognized by his disfigured teeth and crooked smile.

John, still mourning for the loss of his once beautifully-shaped testicle, replaced it with a large bowling ball, and gave his deformed testicle to the Dog's Trust as a beach ball, in case they decided to visit the beach. It was never needed, and so was embalmed and put on display in Moscow for Beatles fans to visit and lovingly remember.

Lennon was reincarnated as a cat in 2007, and now plays and records out of a home studio in Madison, Wisconsin.

A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCarthy. The winner assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, and amongst his family. Who this man was before remains unknown to this day, though there are several theories, each unlikelier than the next. The label, using devious Communist tricks, destroyed all records of the man's original identity, removing him from photos and killing anyone who might be able to shed light on his identity, especially the children. There are only four things that are known about this man:

1) He was a great misanthrope. This made letting the record label kill everyone who knew him a lot easier.

2) He was flagrantly anti-Communist, which brought him into immediate conflict with Lennon.

3) Curiously, he had both Paul's voice and his talent, which has led to theories about the existence of an evil twin.

4) He uses Paul's identity to this very day; writing ever shittier songs, harassing carnivores and shilling for investment firms singing about how it was Yesterday.

The replacement of the old Paul with the new one quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, John Lennon and the fake McCarthy (hereafter referred to as Faul [Faux Paul]) could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium, and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Lennon (no one ever did). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued.

Lennon grew tired of cooperating with the coverup, but the record company had him bound and gagged, so he had to find ways to sneak clues to the public. He hid these clues in the album covers and in the lyrics to songs, even going so far as to teach himself to hide messages in straight forward vocal performances that would suddenly appear when they were played backwards. Unfortunately, the conspiracy nuts were the first to take notice, and courtesy of their endorsement the clues was simply laughed off by the public.

Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife and started shagging a Japanese diplomat - and former POW emperor - Yoko Ono. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad saw photographs of Lennon shagging Yoko Ono on the wall of their mansion at Ascot. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad suggested that Lennon might like to keep his hand in a little bag for a while and fiddle with some beads. Yoko Ono told Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad a few well-crafted remarks about who should fiddle with whose beads in whose bags. The Swami, a pink blanket salesman and fully-fledged capitalist, did not take kindly to this and flew off to Donovan's house on a swan to co-author "Ride a White Swan" with Marc Bolan.

Ono had a growing interest in Communism, and under Lennon's tutelage she became a full-fledged Trotsky Youth. McCarthy instantly jumped on this as an example of Communist expansion also known as the domino theory. In keeping with his capitalist ideologies and to quote, "set a good example for John," he married camera heiress Linda Kodak.

With frustration mounting (certainly Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad expressed his frustration at the mounting of the pictures of Lennon mounting Ono on the walls of their mansion at Ascot), Lennon and Ono turned to music -- wonderful music -- to vent their frustrations with McCarthy and the capitalist police state. The records were intended to cause listeners to realize their own frustrations with the system and then work to overthrow it. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved the Beatles but were wondering whether or not to hate John. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Lennon Band" when everybody else knew that that was something John wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.

As tension grew, McCarthy mobilized, banning Lennon's book and literally defecating on everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in, in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and he could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything, they could listen to the Infernal Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extremists like Upton Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, and bedsores, and Yoko got the blame again. To make things worse, Paul, who had started going by his first name, Joseph, had launched a campaign that would ultimately make him a US Senator. The Beatles could not survive the strain, and so after recording a wicked progressive rock album (Abbey Road), the band dissolved as did their marriage to the cult.

The disbanding of the Beatles made a lot of people feel really bad for a long time. This period has become known as the Great Depression until the Sex Pistols sang for the Queen. Though Lennon, who changed his screen name to Willy Wonka, continued to make records and pose nude, they were unable to ease the depression even the slightest bit. It became worse when Yoko posed for Playboy and Playlez and accused John for marrying her for her body and not brain. Consequently, his solo albums aren't essential to the common record buyer or this article, though J. Onanism (named after Yoko and JFK's wife) is. After the breakup of The Beatles, Lennon became a super groovy guy during his solo career, you know? And he led the hippies during the 1970's and was declared their king. They all loved him for his disapproval of condoms, just like his best friend.