A Lesson in Self Esteem

Teaching our kids who they really are and what makes them special.

My 12 year old, Zack, is in 7th grade. At his middle school there is a clique of 'popular' kids who have begun having Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties. My son, though he is kind, funny, intelligent and warm, has always had a hard time making many friends because of his shyness in social situations. It's hard for him to be social and he's not invited to most of these Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties. Most of the kids hand out sweatshirts as favors at their parties. The Monday after their Saturday night party, all of the kids who were at the party come to school wearing the sweatshirt. My son comes home many Monday's feeling sad.

Last Saturday night, my son attended a party of a boy whose father does business with my husband. (Which is why he was invited since this boy doesn't really talk to my son).When Monday morning came my husband and I told Zack he was not allowed to wear the sweatshirt to school because I remembered the lessons you taught us about teaching our children compassion. We told him that just as his feelings were hurt on so many Mondays, other children will be hurting now. And it's also like bragging that you went to a popular boy's Bar Mitzvah. He listened but wasn't happy. When he came home he said that all the kids who were wearing their sweatshirts made the others feel bad anyway so why couldn't he wear his? I told him that regardless of what others did he knew he didn't cause others pain.

I feel like it was a character–building experience that he will one day understand. Please let me know if I did the right thing.

Amy

I read the email and had to pause for a moment. I was incredibly moved by this mother's courageous determination to teach her child a lesson in compassion. After all, wouldn't most parents want their children to finally 'fit in' and wear the 'right shirt'? But the truth is, this mother not only taught her child to open his heart, she also gave him the gift of self esteem.

Later that night, Amy and I spoke.

"The first thing I want you to do," I began, "is to sit down with your son and have a conversation. Tell him how proud you are of the way he respected your decision, even though it was difficult for him to carry through. Too often we criticize our children but neglect to tell them how proud we are of them.

"Next, I would like you to explain to Zack that when he feels hurt by other's in life, he should always try to remember that feeling so that he never inflicts pain on anyone else. It would be so much easier, of course, to just forget about the other kids who are feeling sad and leave them behind. But then what? You are acting the same way as those who hurt you. The point of going through something is not to grow insensitive, but, rather, to grow from the experience and become a kinder, more compassionate human being. That way, you know in your heart of hearts that you have taken the higher road, and that is the greatest road to take in life."

"But here is the greatest lesson of all," I added. "Think about this and ask Zack this question. If these kids are being nice to him and including him only when he wears the 'in' sweatshirt, what kind of friends are these? What happens next week, when he's back Monday morning without the right sweatshirt on? Are they back to not including him because he wasn't at the big weekend party? If someone is your friend only for the label on your shirt, is that called a true friend? And then, if you lose the label, do you lose your friends? Do you lose your sense of self? Are you only as good as the sweatshirt on your back? Ask yourself, without this shirt, who am I?"

"I never thought of it like that," Amy mused.

Angels on Earth

"Listen, Amy, I want to tell you a story, and I want you to relay this story to Zack. When my children were little we would often stay at my parent's home for Shabbos. My siblings would join us with all their little ones and though space was tight, incredible love and laughter filled the house. Friday night, after finishing the meal, all the cousins would gather together and ask my mother to tell them a story. 'Bubba, can you tell us about when you were a little girl?' they would say.

"No matter how exhausted she was, my mother would settle down with her sweet grandchildren around her, waiting to hear their Bubba's tales.

"One of my children's most requested stories was my mother's description of Shabbos in Bergen-Belsen. Each week, my Zaydah, my grandfather, would set aside his meager portion of stale bread. When Friday night would arrive, Zaydah would gather his children close, together with Mama, my grandmother.

"'Close your eyes, kinderlach', Zaydah would whisper. 'Imagine that you are home and the Shabbos candles are lit. The flames are dancing and Mama's challah is warm. The house is filled with light.' Zaydah would take out his hidden crumbs and share them with us.

"Zaydah then began to hum 'Shalom Aleichem', the prayer we say to welcome the angels into our home. For those few minutes we were back home, away from all the darkness. One week, my little brother called out, 'Tatty, you are welcoming angels but I don't see any angels here!' Zaydah began to cry. He looked at us and said, 'You, my most precious children, you are the angels.'

"'And you know what, my children?' my mother asked. 'Each morning I had to stand at roll call in the freezing cold. I was dressed in rags, my head shaved, covered in lice. I was starving. I looked at those Nazi guards standing across from me in their shiny boots and fancy uniforms, all neat and perfect. But to me they had nothing and I had everything. I would never in a million years want to be one of them. I would rather be barefoot and freezing but still be me, the daughter of Zaydah and Mama, an angel here on earth.'"

"Amy," I said, "Here is your opportunity to teach Zack an incredible lesson for life. It's not your sweatshirt, your iPod, your sneakers or your car that defines you. It is your heart, your soul, your deeds, and how you impact others in this world that tells you who you are. Especially now, when we are all feeling the 'economic crunch', and we are unable to give our children so many of the things we've taken for granted, we need to give our kids a true sense of what really counts in life. Really, who are you and what makes you special?"

"I can't wait to speak to Zack," Amy said. "There is so much I want to share with him. You're right, we have been feeling stressed from all the financial pressures right now…and I know that if I give Zack an understanding of who he is I'll be giving him one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child."

Recently, I received an email from Amy:

Dear Slovie,

I just dropped Zack off at school. It's Monday! As he was getting out of the car, Zack turned to me and said, Look Mom, there are all those kids in those silly sweatshirts; and then he laughed. And I laughed too. Thank you for helping me teach my son one of the greatest lessons of his life.

Amy

It is up to us, parents, to ask ourselves: Who am I? What defines me? And how do my children define themselves? If we are able to discover our sense of self beyond the cars that we drive and the labels on our backs, we will then be able to impart to our children a greater understanding of 'self'. They will be fortified to climb the many mountains that life's challenges bring. And that is 'true' self esteem.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 16

(16)
Nancy,
June 8, 2014 10:43 PM

Yasher Koach to Amy for instilling good values in her son!

(15)
Salley,
October 18, 2013 3:05 AM

I get it and always have. We know as Jews to always look at our soul and not just the sole. I am much more than the awesome skirt and blouse I bought 2 yrs ago for $4 at a thrift store.

(14)
Anonymous,
March 15, 2009 4:20 PM

Excellent!!!

This is wonderful! So many times kids are led astray for wanting to be in the "in crowd". I wish that more parents would take the time to teach their children true self esteem. Be a friend to Zack , Amy. You will never regret it. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

(13)
Pierrette,
March 14, 2009 4:34 PM

A beautiful lesson for any age!

I e mailed this lesson to everyone of my relatives who have children: For too many times we are defined by our possessions when it should be that of our character instead!
Sure it''s easy to give in to our kids to make them feel important, but a much better lesson is to teach them the moral values, that will serve them and their own family later on in life.
I raised my half dozen the way I was raised in Europe, with "tough love", and I couldn''t tell you the many times people have told me" Your children are different you ought to bvery proud of them!" You bet I am!

(12)
Rivka,
March 12, 2009 1:27 PM

Excellent and very usefull article for our times!

(11)
Dina,
March 12, 2009 1:17 PM

A beautiful article

This was a beautiful article, both the email and the response. It did, however, make me feel very, very old. When did this practice of giving out sweatshirts begin? I never heard of such a thing, and have to admit I was really quite shocked by the whole idea! How on earth is this an appropriate “door prize” for a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah? Is this something condoned by the Rabbis? or do the Rabbis speak against it, but people do what they want?
Thinking into it, and trying to judge those involved in the sweatshirt “gifts” on the side of merit, the only positive thing I could come up with is that this school is a public school in a rich, basically non Jewish neighborhood, where there is underlying Anti-Semitism, and this is a way for the Jewish kids to “bond” and have some Jewish pride. Although I would not agree with that approach, it would at least have *some* positive value. When I was growing up, we had bar mitzvah parties where the whole class (30-35 kids) was invited, Jews and non Jews—and no sweatshirts! Although I know you “can’t fight City Hall” and the personal approach that Slovie suggested is certainly the best, I do wonder if it would be possible for a group of like-minded parents to approach the Rabbis and the school, to express their concern, and to see if this practice could be replaced by something more beneficial and less potentially hurtful. Surely, this article would touch their hearts, and could be the “ice breaker”.
On a different note, it sounds as if Zach is a very sensitive, intelligent boy, possibly more spiritually oriented than his peers. Perhaps his parents would do well to begin researching now a better “fit” for him for High School, somewhere with more Jewish content, and with kids he can more easily relate to. I’m sure they will have much nachas from him!

(10)
Zehava Somerstein,
March 12, 2009 11:02 AM

The right way to self-esteem

Iwas very impressed with Slovie reply. It is so important to teach children to define people by what they are not by what they have! As well as not to follow the crowd in their treatment of others. From a fellow ccoworker of Slovie- many years in the past

(9)
Leah,
March 12, 2009 10:35 AM

Comment for Olga

Perhaps, Olga, it is time to teach your daughter that maybe NOW is the time to make additional friends......
May you have only nachas from your children. Mazel Tov!

(8)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2009 6:44 PM

Forget the party favors

Aren't these kids old enough to go without "favors"? Why would anyone want to go to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah of someone they don't know well or aren't close to? Teach your child that the compassionate and respectful thing is not to talk about the event infront of others who were not invited, for whatever the reason. And the fact of being irresponsible and inviting "anyone" so "everyone" is included no matter the cost is financially irresponsible. Aren't services a community event? It is not "your" service. Be a kind and generous person and sensitive toward others-Isn't that the Jewish value we want our children to learn?

(7)
ruth housman,
March 11, 2009 5:13 AM

lessons in sensitivity

Hi, I am not sure I would have prevented my son from wearing that sweatshirt if this had happened in our lives, and yet, I do see the beauty in the way Zach was taught a deeply important lesson about self-esteem, what's important in life, exclusion and inclusion.
Sometimes, I guess, we all want our children not to be hurt. It's been an issue on Aish with several recent articles on this subject of protection and letting go.
Clearly, Zach learned one of the most important lessons in all of this that we can teach our children, which has to do with the exquisite sensitivity of being, and so I do applaud the outcome and the lesson. This worked for him. It might not work for all children. A child could feel misunderstood and turn his feelings around in a different way. We all must do what we can, but we are not in charge of the outcome. I think the LOVE and the explanation given has to be part of the message, and a big part.
Life, strangely, or not so strangely, provides us all, grownups and children alike, with myriad opportunities for ethical decisions and I do believe, at the deepest, most cosmic level, that this is a journey of soul for us all.
Thank you for a deeply provocative article about love and how we teach this.

(6)
Olga,
March 11, 2009 4:00 AM

Question

My daughter Bat Mitzvah is coming the next week and she absolutely refused to invite all the kids because there are kids in the class that she never have had any connections with. She asked: "Why should I invite the kids to whom I never spoke a word in the all 6 years?"
And I think she is right. IMHO it is not a compassion, to invite these kids, it is hipocricy.

(5)
Anonymous,
March 10, 2009 8:40 PM

so much strength

wow!!!

(4)
Andrea,
March 10, 2009 2:45 PM

Missed opportunity for the school

It's a shame that Zack's school hasn't taken the opportunity to educate their students in compassion by requiring parents to invite all the children in their child's class to their child's party. I know of a school that had that policy, and it was so much kinder and more inclusive. Yes, it does cost more monetarily to invite more people to a party, but again, what kind of values do you want to pass on to your children? That it's ok to exclude people and make them feel bad but keep more of your money or to include more people, have less money, and have a richer soul?

(3)
Andrea Gottlieb,
March 9, 2009 5:34 PM

Now I really get it.

My daughter insisted on inviting her whole grade to her Bat Mitzvah. OY. She said the next day when the kids wear the sweatshirts she didn't want to leave anyone out. The money is long gone and now I'm still kfelling.

(2)
Elisheva,
March 9, 2009 1:30 PM

BEAUTIFUL!

I loved this article. And I hope I can teach my kids these lessons as well as Amy did.
Kudos!

(1)
Ann Stephens,
March 9, 2009 8:28 AM

Excellent!

Children taught in this fashion are indeed blessed. With G-d's help they will be able to face life and the many disappointments that will come their way.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!