Thursday, October 25, 2012

50 Shades of Grey chapter 26 - THE LAST ONE ZOMGZOMG

Okay, so, I'm excited to finish this book. Not because I want to know how it ends (I am positive it will have nothing remotely resembling an ending) but because I am excited to be done it. Due to personal things after this post the blog is going off of a Tuesday/Thursday schedule and onto "when ever I get a chance" until some time in early December, in which case I will likely come back to Tuesday/Thursday updates. I just don't know if I can bring myself to read 50 Shades of Grey in a hospital. Though if I popped a blood vessel or had a rage stroke I suppose that would be the best place for me to do it. Maybe I'll reconsider this plan, but for now, expect sporadic updates.

Right, all that aside, lets jump into finishing off this blight on literature!

Oh yessss. We start the chapter with Ana waking up at 5AM with no Grey beside her. She wakes up because it's time to take her pill (she set her time for 8AM*? Really? Does she never ever sleep in or plan to?) and realizes that Grey is playing piano in his bubble of isolation again!!

Shrouded in darkness, Christian sits in a bubble of light as he plays, and his hair glints with burnished copper highlights. He looks naked, though I know he’s wearing his PJ bottoms. He’s concentrating, playing beautifully, lost in the melancholy of the music. I hesitate, watching from the shadows, not wanting to interrupt him. I want to hold him. He looks lost, sad even, and achingly lonely – or maybe it’s just the music that’s so full of poignant sorrow.

Awww look at him over there being an emo little teenager. He thinks he's people! Silly warlock! So Ana snuggles up to him and he keeps playing piano and being Obviously Upset. Ana is at least aware of the fact that he is capable of being upset at things that are not her.

“Well, I can’t sleep.” He frowns once more as a trace of irritation or anger flashes across his face. With me? Surely not.I ignore his facial expression and very bravely sit down beside him on the piano stool, placing my head on his bare shoulder to watch his deft, agile fingers caress the keys.

However the act of sitting next to him is "very brave". She asks him to play the song he was playing last time and remains snuggled against his shoulder. That seems like a sub-optimal place to be when the other person is playing piano.

It is a hauntingly beautiful piece, sadder even than the Chopin, and I lose myself to the beauty of the lament. To a certain extent, it reflects how I feel.

Ana is like a teenager who just discovered Simple Plan. It's like they totally get her! So Ana, being Ana, naturally starts to pry about why he started to learn the piano (To please his new Mother. That shit is in the text) and Ana rather than thinking "This seems like a terse subject" goes "OH SO YOU COULD FIT INTO HER PERFECT FAMILY" and thankfully the topic is changed to Ana's birth control and how she was so stupid and silly to start it in another time zone!

Grey suggests they bang, Ana is all "NO LETS TALK!" and once again wants to talk about their relationship and where it stands and DIDN'T YOU DO THIS TWO CHAPTERS AGO?!

“So, let me be clear. You just want me to follow the Rules element of the contract all the time but not the rest of the contract?”“Except in the playroom. I want you to follow the spirit of the contract in the playroom, and yes, I want you to follow the rules – all the time. Then I know you’ll be safe, and I’ll be able to have you anytime I wish.”

I'm actually confused about what this meant. The thing was almost all rules. So saying "just the rules count" isn't saying much.

Whoa. This has gotten serious so quickly. He rises from the piano and walks lithely to his study. My scalp prickles. Jeez, I need some tea. The future of our so-called relationship is being discussed at 5:45 in the morning when he’s pre-occupied with something else – is this wise?

NO IT IS NOT! Listen, I'm not saying all important conversations need to wait for an ideal time and place to happen. There is no such thing. You definitely need to make Important Conversations happen sometimes, even though the timing sucks and one or both or you is stressed. However, Ana doesn't know what's up with Grey. He isn't trusting her enough to let her in on that. It's his choice, and one she is being surprisingly respectful of (I'd be on him about The Situation not his Tragic Past myself) but she needs to consider he's going to be in a strange place right now. She has no idea where he is emotionally or mentally because she doesn't know what's going on, so she can't consider the factors that might be affecting him at all. You know, aside from the sleep deprivation.

So we get to see The Rules. Again. I don't begrudge it this time. I mean, we saw it six times in three chapters, but it makes sense that EL James would go over it again. The whole "Must be shaven/clean/made up/wear what he says/do her hair like he says/exercise/act modestly/can't drink or have fun" is all still there. The only one that got cut is food. So he still wants her to be super controlled by him. Her response is to roll her eyes. SPANKING TIME!

“You want to spank me now.”“Yes. And I will.”“Oh, really, Mr. Grey?” I challenge, grinning back at him. Two can play this game.“Are you going to stop me?”“You’re going to have to catch me first.”

Ana then makes a mad dash to the floor to ceiling window and free-falls- Sorry writing fan-fiction in my head again. No, they just circle the breakfast bar taunting each other. They're only being kind of obnoxious here. So they chase each other around the apartment.

I’m a child again, though that’s not right.

Cue the pigtails? So the whole scene is very playful. Fun even. Then Ana makes a bad.

“Anyone would think you didn’t want me to catch you.”“I don’t. That’s the point. I feel about punishment the way you feel about me touching you.”

OH SHIT JUST GOT REAL!

His entire demeanor changes in a nanosecond. Gone is playful Christian, and he stands staring at me as if I’d slapped him. He’s ashen.“That’s how you feel?” he whispers.

Ana realizes that maybe she isn't that opposed to being spanked. You know, with the whole naked horror at the thought of making anyone feel that way ever. She tells him "Well, not quite" and realizes that Grey is actually really serious about the not wanting to be touched thing. I'm curious if she'll keep pouting and demanding to touch him now that she can grasp how upset he is by it.

“You hate it that much?” he breathes, his eyes filled with horror.“Well… no,” I reassure him. Jeez – that’s how he feels about people touching him? “No. I feel ambivalent about it. I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it.”“But last night, in the playroom, you… ” he trails off.

Yes, funny how "playing" and "punishment" are seen differently Grey. Funny that. Ana explains that in the playroom, it's fun. As punishment, it's scary and she's afraid he'll hurt her. His response is to tell her he wants to hurt her, and she's all "Dude, seriously, what the HELL?" and he confesses that he actually knows EXACTLY why he wants to hurt her, but doesn't want to tell her because then she will get scared and run away and he doesn't want that.

Ana is too busy being all "HE WANTS ME!" to stop and consider that he doesn't trust her to make her own choice about if his issues are ones she wants to deal with and is withholding vital information for his own sake. Seriously, he's distracting her from the issue at hand with INTENSE FEELINGS! This is classic abuser type stuff guys. Scared now. Is the book going to end with him about to beat the shit out of her with a TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO! ?

“Don’t leave me. You said you wouldn’t leave me, and you begged me not to leave you, in your sleep,” he murmurs against my lips.Oh… my nocturnal confessions

This is after the panicked passionate kiss. I get that this is being aggravated by The Situation but how emotionally manipulative is this? ALL OF THE EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION!

This is a man in need. His fear is naked and obvious, but he’s lost… somewhere in his darkness. His eyes wide and bleak and tortured. I can soothe him. Join him briefly in the darkness and bring him into the light.

So, let me get this straight. Ana is going into this saying "I CAN FIX HIM!"Ana thinks she can fix the manipulative, abusive, controlling man in her life. I may have a rage-stroke yet. Ana's theory on how to do this is to get him to beat her to her limit. Grey is confused. Mostly because she just pulled the "I LIKE BEING PUNISHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE BEING TOUCHED" and that caused him to go into BSOD of horror and is now offering to do it on her own.

“You would try?”“Yes. I said I would.” But I have an ulterior motive. If I do this for him, maybe he will let me touch him.

OH MY GOD ANA YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON EVER! Ana doesn't say this out loud, she just stops short of saying it, but Grey gets the point. Ana has said "Well, okay, I don't hate it that much, but I don't like it because I'm freaked out" and is now using this as leverage to get him to do something that makes him look like he's about to faint and/or vomit at the mere thought of making someone else feel the way he does about it. FUUUUUUUUUU

“I’ll show you how bad it can be, and you can make your own mind up.” He pauses by the door. “Are you ready for this?”

So he puts her over the bench, grabs a belt and goes into "Dom mode" and demands she counts as he hits her six times. The spanking is reading much like her first one. But worse. Kind of disturbing.

“Five.” My voice is more a choked, strangled sob, and in this moment, I think I hate him. One more, I can do one more. My backside feels as if it’s on fire.“Six,” I whisper as the blistering pain cuts across me again, and I hear him drop the belt behind me, and he’s pulling me into his arms, all breathless and compassionate… and I want none of him. ...“Don’t touch me!” I hiss. I straighten and stare at him, and he’s watching me as if I might bolt, gray eyes wide, bemused. I dash the tears angrily out of my eyes with the backs of my hands, glaring at him.“This is what you really like? Me, like this?” I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.He gazes at me warily.“Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.”“Ana,” he pleads, shocked.“Don’t you dare, Ana me! You need to sort your shit out, Grey!”

Whaaaaat? Okay. So, 1) Doing BDSM wrong. 2) Ana had safe-words. 3) lolwhat? I honestly do not know what the hell just happened here. Ana first volunteers for this- at its most extreme, because she wants to touch him. Grey had said that he would probably stick to spanking as she learned to like it. He does what she asks him to. She screams and cries that he has issues and just shits all over his kink- and the book does play it as Issues, not kink. As in he needs to have issues to be into it. I just... I don't even have words.

So Ana leaves, betrayed that it hurts, and goes to hide in her room. She could go home. She could leave, but she decides to go to her room for space. So she goes to her room, in his condo, to sob.

I think of the couple of times he has hit me, and how easy he was on me by comparison. Is that enough for him? I sob harder into the pillow. I am going to lose him. He won’t want to be with me if I can’t give him this. Why, why, why have I fallen in love with Fifty Shades?

Know what? I'm going to treat Ana's angst like a sex scene.

My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and my inner goddess is nowhere to be seen. Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me. I’m so alone.

Ana then remembers her Mother's Wise Words and thinks

I did follow my heart, and I have a sore ass and an anguished, broken spirit to show for it. I have to go.

And the thought of not seeing him again practically chokes me… my Fifty Shades.

"My Fifty Shades" is her pet name for him? Naturally Grey then comes into the room, because it is appropriate for the narrative.

“Hush,” he breathes, and I want to pull away from him, move to the other side of the bed, but I’m paralyzed. I cannot move and lie stiffly, not yielding at all. “Don’t fight me, Ana, please,” he whispers. Gently, he pulls me into his arms, burying his nose in my hair, kissing my neck.“Don’t hate me,” he breathes softly against my skin, his voice achingly sad. My heart clenches anew and releases a fresh wave of silent sobbing.

Wow. Just, wow. I don't even have words to tear apart how FUCKED UP this is. "I'm sorry I beat you please don't be mad." so then they just lay there for ages and he timidly tells her he brought advil and something for butt rubbing.

“I don’t want to go,” I whisper. Fuck – this is it. Pay or play. Tears swim in my eyes once more.“I don’t want you to go either,” he whispers, his voice raw. He reaches up and gently strokes my cheek and wipes away a falling tear with his thumb. “I’ve come alive since I met you.” His thumb traces the contours of my lower lip.“Me too,” I whisper, “I’ve fallen in love with you, Christian.”His eyes widen again, but this time, with pure, undiluted fear.

Is it wrong that I laughed at this? His response is terror. I kind of love it. Alright, get your popcorn kids, it's time to watch this shit go DOWN!

Holy fuck. This really is it. This is what it boils down to – incompatibility - and all those poor subs come to mind.“We’ll never get past that, will we?” I whisper, my scalp prickling in fear.He shakes his head bleakly. I close my eyes. I cannot bear to look at him.“Well… I’d better go, then,” I murmur, wincing as I sit up.

Gogogogogogogo don't stop to linger and stare at things keep going!

I have had my eyes opened and glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I now know he’s not capable of love – of giving or receiving love. My worst fears have been realized. And strangely, it’s very liberating.

I kinda of get that, actually. Realizing that you have done what you can and there is nothing else left to be done is liberating, if not sometimes totally soul crushing.

The pain is such that I refuse to acknowledge it. I feel numb. I have somehow escaped from my body and am now a casual observer to this unfolding tragedy. I shower quickly and methodically, thinking only of each second in front of me. Now squeeze body wash bottle. Put body wash bottle back in rack. Rub cloth on face, on shoulders… on and on, all simple, mechanical actions, requiring simple mechanical thoughts.

So. Dramatic. Ana must have sucked as a teenager.

My subconscious nods with approval. Even she knows not to be snarky right now. I cannot believe that my world is crumbling around me into a sterile pile of ashes, all my hopes and dreams cruelly dashed.

All of her hopes and dreams. All of them. They all revolved around Grey and his octo-cock. When Ana walks out into the living room Grey is screaming into the phone about a fuck up and to find someone. Ana quietly puts the laptop, blackberry, and car keys on the counter and Grey accuses her of trying to wound him by not wanting to keep them. She makes the decent argument of "I don't want any reminders" but just left the gift (a model plane) that she bought for him before with the note "A reminder of happier times" on his pillow. She's basically booby-trapped his bed. I suppose she's at least giving him the chance to hurl it out the window when she's not around.

“I don’t want you to go,” he murmurs, his voice full of longing.“I can’t stay. I know what I want and you can’t give it to me, and I can’t give you what you need.”He takes another step forward, and I hold up my hands.“Don’t, please.” I recoil from him. There’s no way I can tolerate his touch now, it will slay me. “I can’t do this.”

YAAAAY! Ana is NOW asserting her boundaries and backbone! I get that leaving a relationship when nothing is "wrong"** is really, really fucking hard and painful. I've been there, I've done that. Ana also has to deal with "I'm in love with you and you're not in love with me" which is another layer of suck. In this exchange, despite the hamfisted writing, Ana is being reasonable.

I fall onto my bed, shoes and all, and howl. The pain is indescribable… physical, mental… metaphysical… it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones. Grief. This is grief – and I’ve brought it on myself. Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lip curled in a snarl… the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up, desperately clutching the flat foil balloon and Taylor’s handkerchief, and surrender myself to my grief.

Ana has all the feelings. And this is it. That is the end of book 1. I am tempted not to do book two so I can imagine this is the ending. Ana leaves Grey because she realizes that a relationship with him is ultimately impossible, and despite the pain and agony is causes her, starts her new job and new life and after a lot of bad RomComs and wine with Kate moves on with her life. I would shit my pants in glee if this were the real ending. It takes a long time but eventually she meets some bookish, sweet guy. He doesn't do things like take her to lavish restaurants and extravagant helicopter rides, but he is constantly buying her books that he think she'll love, who is compassionate and sensitive. They spend many a sleepy Sunday curled up together reading, a quiet, comfortable sort of relationship. That is how this story ends in my head if I don't read book two. This book on its own becomes not about a HUGE ROMANCE but a woman who realizes that you can't fix or change people and sometimes relationships just don't work, no matter how badly you want them to. If this was the real end to the book, I might take back all the mean things I've said. Sadly, it isn't, and it was never meant to be. To quote the final line in the book:End of Part One

Till 50 Shades Darker dear readers! Let me know what you think of the book now that we've seen it as a whole. I mean, EL James doesn't really "get" contained stories, or the concept of a story ark or plot, and the three books I'm certain just sort of meander into each other, but let's pretend that this book is a stand alone, and not just terribly edited.

*Time difference from Georgia to Seattle is alluded to here.
**I mean, I think there was lots wrong with it, but Ana didn't

25 comments:

Maybe it depends on the type of birth control, but I was always told that as long as I took the pill around the same time, give or take a few hours, it wouldn't make a difference. None of this OMG GOTTA HAVE IT AT 8AM ON THE DOT!!!! crap. Now if 8PM rolled around and I realized I hadn't taken it, condoms were mandatory for a while.

I'm with you 100%. I wish that's how it really ended. In fact if you don't continue with the books I think I'll keep that as my personal head-canon as well. It's much better than anything E.L. James could cook up for the sequels to this train wreck.

Hum, so I was wrong about the ending, but you can certainly see the set-up for the "reunion" in book 2. Sigh. I smell an Evil Ex.

I would actually be happier as well, knowing that this would be the real ending. It would still have been an infuriating waste of time, although a good way to vent and drink, but still, seems like this could be the "happier" ending we could get.

I really, really hate Ana. Even her outbursts and emotions make no sense. I was glad she finally reacted, but it just didn't make sense. And the whole "She finally realized that's how he feels about being touched" ? Bi@ch please! Let it go already, the fact she still didn't understand it after so many fights and arguments? I hate her. So much.

And this has got the be the worst line ever. "Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me." Wtf does it even mean?

Thanks again Erika for going through this, enjoy the break, be safe and I'll be looking forward to December, when you're back to a more regular schedule, 50 shade or not ;)

Indeed. I see Grey licking his wounds and becoming a sub again because he's so deadened without dear, sweet, living, non-vampiric Ana to juice him up with her wet/moist/sopping puss pocket. Is that anything like how his character has been set up thus far? Hell no. But that's like, the fantasy for stupid women who don't effing know what they want. I shake my head as I write this because I actually had a friend at one time who was like Ana (sigh). First she refused to let some guy call her his girlfriend--even though they banged constantly-- then he figured "ok, I'll find someone who wants a relationship" and all of a sudden THEY WERE MEANT TO BE!!! How could he do that to her?? They were dating for months! (no you weren't, you said to his face that you didn't think you wanted to be with him). What all emotionally unstable fucktards want is to think/know that their ex is somehow diminished beyond belief without them. because they still have a raging lady boner and all passive aggressives want to inflict pain. OH EM GEE, Grey is so deep and dark and suffering without his little Anna-bear to make his bleak GREY days colorful and worth living!!Also, I feel I have to reiterate: just how hard was Christian *really* opening that can of whup-ass on her? Six times is really like a spit in the ocean-- more so with a belt. I mean, shit, I'd prefer the belt to say a cane, a cutting board/paddle, chains,.... sometimes even a hand. A belt is nothing. It's a sharp sting and then a warm sensation: further proof this author is not writing from any sort of experience whatsoever.

I'm not going to lie, I skimmed this final deconstruction because it was pretty upsetting (I love your snark, Eri, but this book can be worse than even your wit can redeem.) Not to speak for all BDSMers (and especially since I'm at most into BDSM-lite) but my boyfriend and I do not want to hurt each other. We have a different idea of what is sexy than some people. But the idea of being alone with someone who wants to cause me pain purely because it's painful is scary, and not erotic in the least.

I agree with you and anonymous. Her leaving him is the only happy ending this book could have. I'm going to pretend that Ana's waffling and emotional turmoil is a complex statement about the difficulty that abused people often have leaving their abusers.

Sadly, we all know this is going to have a happy ending of some kind. So either Ana and Fifty-Shadesy-Poo learn to negotiate and do light bondage (which, frankly, is all they've done so far) like blindfolding, or else somehow Grey is miraculously cured by Ana's super-vag and they live happily ever after having vanilla sex and touching each others' chests. Or they both die. Tragically.....That could work for me.

lol I'm telling you, they will be reunited because of an evil EX wanting to hurt Ana. (The Situation, remember? ;) And then there will be loving, an engagement, maybe even a wedding and probably, in the last book, a baby. Very, very scary.

I was actually already eating popcorn. That wasn't my thought process for getting it, but I guess it works out.

Holy fuck. This really is it. This is what it boils down to – incompatibility - and all those poor subs come to mind.“We’ll never get past that, will we?” I whisper, my scalp prickling in fear.He shakes his head bleakly. I close my eyes. I cannot bear to look at him.“Well… I’d better go, then,” I murmur, wincing as I sit up.

I'm aware we're supposed to see this as a bad ending, but I'm not feeling it.

You know, this book would actually be tolerable if it were altered into a documentary-style tragedy of a pitiably stupid woman getting sucked into an abusive relationship. It could be like "The Yellow Wallpaper," except with beatings.Most of what needs to be done is tweaking it so that it no longer tries to resemble reality and becomes what it's meant to be, which is Ana's own private, imaginary alternate reality. Also, most of the characters would need to be revised to be consistent -- except for Christian, really, because he's already a mostly-believable dick-wagon. The trick is to make the reader realize that Grey is only romantic in Ana's screwed-up little head.It would be tragic as balls, with a ting of horror. It could be magnificent! Satire and genuine literature all at the same time!

I cannot believe it actually ends with "End of Part 1." Gaaaaah such a setup. EL James was frothing at the mouth, thinking she was going to have another Twilight movie franchise, I bet.

I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot of awful stuff. I'll be hoping all works out well for you. And looking forward to... "Part 2." *sigh* (I still refuse to read these for myself, but I live for your snark.)

Bleh. We definitely need the ending to be "Ana goes and finds someone who is right for her and they have a good relationship." There are still so many things wrong with their relationship and what he is doing to her.

And yes, there's probably an evil ex involved in the next book. Whether she's actually evil or just evil in Ana's head remains to be seen.

I stumbled upon your blog. I was so against reading these books, but I got addicted to your blog readings. It is the only way to read these books! With your snark commentary! I was laughing SO loudly at some of your comments, especially these last few chapters. I can NOT wait to read your readings of 50 shades darker.

I love your re-cap, as always and your ending - that's the ending I wanted too. Just a few things about the belt.1. During a very intense scene (like this one for Ana), a sub can forget to use a safeword/safesign, even what those were. That's why a Dom is allowed to use them too. As Christian has years of experience and Ana week or two, this was his responsibility. He should've stopped it. 2. What Ana does is actually an emotional test. She says she wants him to beat her, but in all reality she wants him to refuse, and that's how he'll show her that he respects her enough not to do it.3. Yes, Ana is immensely horrible for continuing to press the touching issue even after she found out about how he really felt about it. 4. I think it's framed as issues because he wants to HURT her. Not punish her, not play, not control, BUT HURT. I don't know, again I am not a specialist but I am not sure that's entirely healthy.5. He is a dick. Instead of asking her how she feels and what she needs after all this and tending to her, or apologizing or anything, he makes it all about him. "Don't leave me, please, I am lost without you." That's just horrible out-right emotional manipulation. Diiiiiiiiiick!

Just finished 50 Shades of Grey with the two sequels sitting on my desk wondering when they will be bitten into. All dom/sub issues aside, what's really left me bitter is this. How come Ana and Grey play small talk with such an extensive and oftentimes Google - worthy vocabulary (at least in their emails) ... yet I'm tempted to count how many times I read the word "murmured." I counted 3 times on page 333...was that a joke? Because he whipped her six times in the end. Please someone count for me and then let's publish an edited version for new readers where "murmured" is replaced with "says delicately enought that my naive inner goddess ignores the fact he secretly wants to beat the living $ h!T out of me for funsies" because that may help drive the point home. All bashing aside, I'm secretly excited to see if Ana ends up whipping the light out of Grey and then bringing him a warm beverage to comfort him because role reversal is *hot* haha! Happy reading, everyone!

The saddest story Ive ever read. It's so heart breaking. I did cry while reading the book. I can relate to ana on how madly, crazily, stupid to love someone who can't love you back. Almost she worshipped him. From falling in love accidentally to giving her virginity and offering her soul. Christian did love ana. Eventhough he was selfish, he'd been considerate of ana' s feeling. But he was holding back because of demon that rose in him whenever he was with her. And afraid even more that he might kill her. So torn between Love and Hurt, broken, ana decided they have to part ways. Thanks to God! Leave Christian alone and his demon who doesn't want to change.lesson: take courage to stand up even if everything is falling apart.

I think James did research of Sex Slaves. This kind of story did happen a long time ago. Those times where women was the slaves of their husbands.

I love the feminists who are always doing shit like this. oh ooOhoOOHHHH SHE ASKED, PRACTICALLY BEGGED HIM TO HIT HER, SO HE DOES AS SHE ASKED OF HIM, OH MY GOD HES A FUCKING MONSTER, GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP GIRL YOU ARE INDEPENDANT!!!! Just like the chicks that go to fight guys and fucking BEEEGGGGG for them to hit them, and when they get hit, it's OHHEMGEE I GOT HIT BY A MAN THATS ABUSE YOU MOTHDERFUCKERNERRRRR STOP OPPRESSING MEEEEEE

Lol good laugh,

Btw so fucking what if he wants to hurt her, that's her reason to peace out,

That's like asking someone who's inexperienced to give u a tattoo then saying how emotionally scared you are from the experience.