Saturday, March 24, 2012

I have been in a pretty big funk lately. It seems to be the yearly routine to get depressed as soon as the weather becomes nice. I feel surprised and confused by this every year. It seems backwards to become depressed as it becomes more beautiful outside. I think it has something to do with the expectations that I impose on myself to be outside whenever its pretty and the sun is up. So, when I'm tired after work instead of staying inside I HAVE TO go to the park and hang out. This is, of course, not always productive. I think if I lived in California I would go crazy because the weather is too nice too often. This obligation extends beyond weather related activities. I constantly divide myself between art and coffee. I either feel that I am dedicating too much time to one or the other constantly. I think that is why I try to think up projects that involve both so I do not feel like I am neglecting one my of needy children. Recently, I have devised four very large projects for myself and two of them involve tracing a map of the world...which is kind of insane. Maps should be left to topographers and vector programs. There are just too many countries. The other projects are just going to take awhile and overwhelm me, but I also feel the extreme need to do them. One is smaller than the other and involves drawing a kitchen so I think I can handle that and the other is a fantasy project. I love the subway art that the MTA hires different types of artists to create. I get super excited any time they have a new one up in the trains I take (Q and 2/3 trains mostly). Anyway, you cannot apply they have to ask you to do it so in my head they asked me and I am creating a piece for the mta. What I love about these works is that they have lots of hidden details for commuters, which is important when a guy decides to light up a crack pipe on the train and you need to focus on something so you don't scream...true story....additionally, they relate to mta and I find it interesting to see different interpretations on a theme.

These projects pile up sometimes and I feel a little overwhelmed, especially when I am depressed. I also have book ideas coming out my ears. Two that are pretty well formed.

My literary agent finally reached out to me so we can start the submission process, which makes me feel a little less like I'm in purgatory, but it makes way for a whole new set of anxieties...such as the inevitable rejection or even more frightening acceptance with revisions.

I just want to do everything and I do not have time. I, unlike some other overachievers I know, need 8 hours of sleep to function without crying for no reason and it leaves less time for actual productivity. I also like to cook a lot and get exercise...so there goes the week and I still cannot draw the theme for Illustration Friday. I would like to believe that I will cut back on coffee stuff...but that is a lie. So, I am left feeling a little strung out somewhat stagnant. I do believe the 8 hours of sleep I am due might at least help me get a theme for illustraiton Friday. (ps- the people who say they are fine on 3-4 hours of sleep a night do not realize the amount of support and attention other people give them to make them actually be functional. I get really annoyed when I see these people and realize that they make almost no sense most of the time, seem completely manic, and cannot hold a conversation for more than one minute. They are lying to themselves and that is why they have to pay other people to make them actually be productive.)

And now, this is the most productive thing I have done in the past two weeks:

My aunts dogs through the years. From the outside on both side are the most long past toward the inside three who are currently living in the great north of Canada. This was a gift for the amazing trip she took me to Peru and Ecuador, which I still have not fully shared. I still have drawings and photos from my trip to scan and upload....a whole other stress. Anyway, she deserved this and so much more, but I was really happy to give a portrait of her amazing dogs in her beautiful wild garden.

I hope this week gives me a little less anxiety and a little more confidence in my ability to juggle desires.

3 comments:

I originally found your blog via the Smith Alum Blog site, so hello fellow smithie! Glad I did too, because your artwork is really cool. Since I enjoy your blog, I figured that others would too... so nominated you for the kreativ blogger award. you can read more about it on my blog (katieshafer . wordpress . com) hope it brings many more happy readers to your blog, cheers!

This is so shatteringly true, you deserve some sort of Swedish prize for realizing & articulating it so well:

"the people who say they are fine on 3-4 hours of sleep a night do not realize the amount of support and attention other people give them to make them actually be functional. ... they make almost no sense most of the time, seem completely manic, and cannot hold a conversation for more than one minute. ... they have to pay other people to make them actually be productive."

MWAH. i'm sorry you're so overwhelmed. let me know if i can help with something, okay?