Everything Changes

Another year has passed by and I am still feeling the same way I did when I first wrote this piece. I decided to re-post it because it expresses my innermost feelings precisely. Please forgive me for any redundancy.

I fell asleep one night twenty-seven months ago and awoke to a startling change in my life. Back then I never imagined how it would affect me so deeply, so profoundly. Today when I awoke it became very apparent to me that my life would never again be the life I had known for the last twenty years and surprisingly I found I am totally unprepared.

Funny how people take their everyday routines for granted. Some people never give it a thought, while others plan every moment. Some people love their jobs, while others drudge themselves through it. I suppose I had a mix of both ways, but mostly I loved my job. The people I came to know, the help I was able to give, the feeling of accomplishment I experienced completing a difficult task. All of those experiences gave me purpose. I didn’t really know until today what it meant to know I can never do that job again, never meet new young people, never have a conversation with a scholar that left me breathless and learning something new or even having a debate over our different outlooks on life. It hit me like a ton of bricks today and the sadness of this forced retirement engulfed me beyond my imaginings.

I still feel too young to be retiring, but alas not being able to use my body as I did before that day twenty-seven months ago has changed all my best laid plans. I never would have believed anyone who told me I would be so lost and so sad just from leaving a job, but I am those things and more. Even writing, which I always believed to be my future, has lost its luster and appeal lately. It astounds me thinking that my purpose is now gone. Good advice is ever flowing my way and ideas from others about what to do with my time now, but none unfortunately wear my shoes nor have my personality so all the good intentioned words of wisdom don’t help me at all. I compare it to the loss of someone dear. Everyone at the funeral says they are sorry for your loss and I’m certain they are, but it doesn’t validate what you feel from that loss. Well, when you are forced to give up something you care about, as I was, it is the same as experiencing the death of a beloved friend or family member. There truly is no consoling. As all hurts heal I have no doubt this will also pass in time, I just don’t know how much more time needs to pass until I can feel like my old self again or if in fact, I ever will.

Am I feeling sorry for myself, probably yes. Do I have a right to? Without a doubt. Maybe something will change again in my life one day soon that will allow me the privilege of feeling I have a purpose on a daily basis. Who knows? Change is certainly apparent everywhere for everyone, just do yourselves a favor and don’t take what you have for granted. Appreciate it, go ahead sweat the small stuff cause the small stuff matters as well, savor all of the moments because you may fall asleep one night and awaken to discover your entire world is changed and you can no longer have the purpose you have today.

Hi Kathy-
I could almost copy your “original” blog intro as well as a good portion of your profile’s self-description. I found this post by searching retirement. I am freshly re-retired (long story which I may include/add on my profile if I get around to it). My spouse retired while I had a job and recently our different retirement priorities have caused some friction. Bottom line, as I told him, is that each of us is entitled to our own priorities, objectives, etc., especially in retirement! Since this is my 2nd retirement, I am better positioned to enjoy it more since I figured out the 1st time what I didn’t want to do! Perhaps the fact that I was able to schedule it around what happened to my career vs what happened to his career has made it better for me this time around.

When I get around to it (again), I am going to re-title my blog “My Self-Evident Truths” w/tagline “valid arguments against may be considered”. Meanwhile, maybe we both need to establish a new norm for ourselves? Or at least a new “semi-norm” since, as you said, “Everything Changes”. Good luck!

As an average, American born woman I've decided to write and share my thoughts and beliefs in a blog. This blog will be very simple and hopefully click with the rest of the people out there, who feel as I do, but just can't express it with words, on a variety of subjects.
I'm not a researcher. I'm not a scholar. I'm not anything other than an average American who has opinions about a multitude of issues and I'm tired of holding them inside myself and bending the ears of my family and close personal friends. I'm not claiming I'll always get it "right". I'm not claiming any political or religious affiliations. What I am claiming is my privilege as an American to exude free speech. I will be honest, straightforward and probably extremely wordy. At times I may share my own photos or my own recipes or just my own gripes, but most times I will attempt to share how my peers feel about current issues and why my generation of friends and acquaintances can't grasp society's lack of common sense today.
I may unintentionally offend people, I will absolutely make mistakes and errors because I am first and foremost a human being and we all know no one is perfect. I most likely will never have facts and figures and I mean NEVER. This blog will totally express how I see things and I expect there will be plenty of counter opinions and possible argumentative theories about what I will express so I will respect that and accept it as my risk for writing this blog. Just having the option in this great country of ours to create a blog, is to me a privilege I would defend to the end!