The Ripper

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I had physical therapy for my shoulders again today, and when I got to the rehab center there were about nine people waiting in the very small waiting room. People were tripping over each other and stuff – not a great idea at REHAB where everyone’s all injured and crippled and crap.

An aide came out eventually and called a name, and this very, very old lady struggled to her feet and started moving very slowly toward the door.

Right as she got to the door, she let out the biggest, crunchiest, most wall-shaking scorcher of a fart I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

And then she just kept on walking very, very slowly through the door, without a word, a glance, or even an errant motion to indicate any awareness that she’d just ambushed us with a fart she’s probably been saving up since she was born ninety-nine years ago.

I did shoulder exercises and got pumped up with electricity today, and some of it was a little difficult and uncomfortable, but you know what was more difficult and uncomfortable?

Trying to laugh hysterically without making any noise while eight other people were trying to do the same thing. Oh man, that was hard. We didn’t want to embarrass her, but my GOD, I didn’t think an old crippled woman could fart that hard without dislocating a hip or something. My goodness.

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Comments 9

Oh, this reminds me of the time I was at the grocery store and this ancient old man bent down to get a can of beans(!!) and ripped a huge one. My friend and I literally had to run across the store so as to not burst out laughing. I guess when you're that old, you just don't care anymore.

OMG — TOO FUNNY!! When I got my new kitten, we were at my boyfriend's grandmother's house, and she got up to get something out of her bedroom and did the exact same thing! And just kept on like it never happened. My boyfriend's face turned beet red from trying not to laugh out loud.

have you all seen “David Cross: Let America Laugh”? I know it might not be worth renting if all you want to see is one small scene…. but i'll tell you about it anyway. The guy video taping David Cross on stage is sitting along the wall in the auditorium. An old man is sitting next to him (the camera man) and during the show, you can hear a couple pops. “Bllllpt. Bllth. Bpt. Blllthp blllth blth.” The camera man is kinda panning to the side to see what it was.. and then moments later, about 15 or 20 feet away mind you!, David Cross himself… on stage, interrupts his joke to ask, “Did someone fart?” He apparently smelled it all the way from the stage! Eh.. i didn't have any personal stories of old man fart… just one i saw on a dvd. that's all!

“crunchiest” is certainly a new way for me to address this subject matter. I'm surprised there was a fast scramble of addled bodies fleeing the perceived toxic pea-green cloud. Maybe she DOES need therapy to recover from shock and awe bouts of 'the vapors'.