A LittleBreak

For the last two years and five months, Liam and I have been inseparable. The longest we’ve been apart was half a day. I was never comfortable leaving him with people (even if those people are my relative or friends). I get intense separation anxiety to the point that I half ass whatever it is I was suppose to do so that I can get him back. I got so used to doing everything with him that I didn’t appreciate being alone anymore. It was like forgetting your phone at home.

Things at home haven’t been.. great and that have left me feeling down lately. There would be moments of bliss but it usually never lasts. I keep wanting to be alone but because I’m a mother that never really happens. Also, when the husband was here (he’s currently deployed right now) my schedule depended on him so much. Not really because I relied on him too much but because he had the car. LOL.

I would wait for him to come home from work everyday before I can do errands outside the house. Our afternoons would either be spent at the gym or running around buying groceries and stuff for the house.

There’s not much to do where I am but I have found escape in going to the gym. There’s a designated family room in the gym on base so I take Liam with when I go. My workouts are heavily dependent on Liam’s mood. On a good day, I’ll get to workout for two hours and in a bad day, it will be as sort as 20 minutes. I can’t really complain cause it’s just how it is. It didn’t make sense to get a babysitter when I workout cause I could bring Liam along and we don’t really have anyone we feel comfortable leaving Liam with.

Recently though, a friend of mine told me about someone she knew who was running a drop off daycare that was gonna leave her kid with so she could run errands by herself. Normally, I wouldn’t think of leaving Liam with someone else but felt like I wanted to be alone and that he needs to spend time with other people/kids.

At two, my friends kids’ were starting preschool already but preschool is expensive where I am. I can’t afford to spend one grand a month for him to go to preschool five days a week for three hours. It just wasn’t an option. The only socializing with kids he’s been able to do was with random kids at the gym, the playground and at kids’ parties we go to and it was on a hit or miss basis. He doesn’t have a regular playmate

I made arrangements to leave him at the drop off daycare for two hours last week. I didn’t really have any errands I needed to run but I haven’t gotten a proper workout in a week so I figured I can waste my time at the gym before picking him up. It turned out two hours was more than enough time for me to go to the gym and do a bit of grocery shopping as well.

I didn’t feel any separation anxiety when I left after dropping him off. I was totally at ease. Liam didn’t make a fuss about me leaving him either. He was too distracted with the toys in the playroom and in the backyard to care. It didn’t made me feel bad that he didn’t care either. It was like both of us wanted this time apart.

I personally don’t know the provider but it didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable leaving Liam with her. I actually looked forward to spending the next few hours by myself. I didn’t rush and took my sweet time doing the things I had planned. I did panic whenever I check my phone and see that I didn’t have signal. Two hours turned out to be all I needed to reset my patience meter. It felt good to think about myself and not worry about someone else.

The last time I left Liam at a sitter’s, he didn’t want to leave right away when I came to pick him up. It was the same when I picked him up from the daycare. He ran to the door to greet me but he wasn’t in a hurry to leave with me. He actually wanted me to come inside to go play some more.

I guess that it’s really time for some distance. He’s ready and I’m ready. I haven’t made any arrangements for him to go back but I’m open to the idea now. I feel like a few hours a week would do us both good. We’d both be able to give each other space to grow. It’s true what they say, things happen on their own, you don’t have to force it.