☽◯☾

Pages

Tuesday

Its been a busy week. The Herbert Street household got a dog and coincidentally The Australian Senate also got a dog . . . thanks Queensland. But I'm not here for politics or to discuss how I pick up poop on the regular. I was contemplating compiling all of the
ways in which I’ve been trying to get on top of my reoccurring endometriosis
but I figured I would focus on one at a time just so I could see which one
might actually be working and which definitely weren’t. So I'm on a bit of a tight schedule as time isn't exactly on my side and every month I get my period I think that this could be the one that makes a permanent mark, both figuratively and literally, on my uterus and fertility and ends up screwing up my whole life plan. But the 'solution' seems just as bad, maybe not in the long run but in the near future. You see, with hormonal therapy, it not only mimics menopause but also causes osteoporosis, depression, anxiety and insomnia. So whats the plus? I get to put my body on hold as to not cause any more damage to my reproductive organs with hopes that it will increase my chances of having children.

But I don't really want to think about making that decision right now, so i'll put that one on the back burner. For now, I just want to focus purely on how I can reduce as much pain as possible but also as naturally as possible- 'cause heavy painkillers are just not sustainable.

I’ve been trying things like reducing red meat intake (this didn’t last long,
in fact I’m on my way to get a burger as we speak), yoga, gravitational
floating, reducing sugar intake (surprisingly all food related trials are
failing miserably), no alcohol, heaps of alcohol, quitting smoking (that’s just
an all round good idea), sleeping in, getting up ridiculously early, running,
walking, standing still- you name it and I’m recording my thoughts, feelings
and emotional response according to my uterus.

I will say that its very bloody obvious
what works and what doesn’t just by looking at my list. I mean, obviously
changing up your diet, quitting smoking and reducing alcohol intake works
wonders for your overall health, but the thing with that is, I’m just not very
good at maintaining it. I’m one of those all or nothing kinda gals. I either
give up my social life forever and start a fitness blog or I sleep till noon
and eat cold pizza for breakfast.

Which brings me to my most successful trial
so far. Floating. I’ve got awful posture as is, which required monthly visits
to a OT to sort out, so I was VERY skeptical that floating would be beneficial.
The thing you have to remember is that when my back goes out its usually due to
my pelvis. What also affects my pelvis is Endo pain. So it’s a double whammy.
It means I struggle to walk, sleep and move without pain.

So fast forward a few weeks after my second Endo surgery, I was contacted by
Gravity Float to come in and have a few sessions. As a disclaimer I will say
that these sessions were provided at no cost and in return I took a few pod
selfies. Though it was actually my idea to create a post in relation to its benefits
for back and pelvis pain if I saw benefits. So pretty much if I hated it, I
wouldn’t be here.

Long story short, I didn’t hate it, not
even a little. I saw massive improvements in my lower back pain, shoulder and
neck. Though the biggest improvement I saw was reducing period pain, cramps and
nausea related to endometrioses. I timed it so that I had two sessions a few
days before I got my period and one session as I was ovulating, which are
usually the two worst times of the month for pain. I’m not saying it cured my
pain completely but I am saying that for 2-3 days after I didn’t need to take
heavy painkiller, come to think of it I didn’t need to take painkillers at all.
Also if reducing pain wasn’t enough, I also saw huge improvements in bloating
and fluid retention.

One thing I will say, if you are prone to blackouts during your period or you
get light headed and dizzy, it’s so important to have something to eat before
hand. I did have a slight mishap in the shower about an hr after (at home, not
at Gravity Float), but I would say this was more related to me not eating for
that morning and being lightheaded from my period.

To get into the nitty gritty of it all, for
anyone that is actually wanting to try out a gravity float its pretty much like
a giant bath with a lid and a whole lot of Epsom salts to make you float. You
will be taken to your own private room complete with a capsule (the gravity
bath), a shower, soap, shampoo, conditioner, makeup wipes, towel and ear plugs.
The whole ‘private room’ thing is a plus, because you have to strip down
completely naked, my selfies obviously show me in my bathing suit because, well
duh, but you are expected to float naked.Before you even think about floating you have to put in your earplugs
first, shower and use their special soap provided and wash your hair. There is
music playing during this time to help you time how long you have- preferably
you make it to the capsule well and truly before the music ends. So when you
finally make it to the bath, you’ll notice when you step in that the water has a tiny bit of resistance and when you sit down you’ll begin to float, just go
with it. Then get in a comfy position, I like my arms above my head, relax,
turn the lights off and take a nap. What ever you do, DO NOT get the water in
your eye. Its like getting shampoo in your eyes in the shower except its
completely dark, there is a lid above you, you cant sit up properly and all of
a sudden that one scary movie you watched when you were 13 (Final Destination)
pops into your head and you’re only playing a supporting role (which means your
probably dead). But in all seriousness there is a light switch in the tub so
its all good, just turn that on and spray your eye with the fresh water bottle
they provide.

And there you have it, my first (and most positive)
trial towards a pain free life without relying solely on painkillers. If you were interested in checking out the Gravity
Floatation Centre I went to in Armadale (they also have one for the North side guys in Northcote) details are below;

GRAVITY FLOATATION CENTRE

WEB: http://www.gravityfloat.com.au/

ADDRESS:1227 High StreetArmadale, VIC 3143

Wednesday

This is a selfie I took

I've had this post sitting as a draft for a couple of days. Tossing up whether or not I even wanted to post about it. It has absolutely nothing to do with fashion, photography, makeup or even hair. But fuck, theres a reason I haven't been posting about any of that as of late, the last thing I've wanted to do it pose in front of a camera in my #ootd. Yes I absolutely love it, I love being creative in that sense but mainly I just loved the writing that went with it. Usually it had absolutely nothing to do with the outfit and it was just a way for me to tell a funny story or vent. I don't really do that much anymore, I guess if I write a post under an outfit I spend majority of it talking about how I can make an outfit go from day to night with the help of glitter and a maybe some extra height. Which to be honest, I'm not sure if anyone really gives a fuck about that- I know at the moment, its the furtherest thing from my mind. I also got a bit worried about the way I was perceived and tried really hard not to offend anyone. For instance a certain teen mag didn't want to promote my blog if there was swearing, but I literally fucking talk like this. So i'd be "fuck this, fuck that" in my real life then on Instagram or my blog be like "love this (insert product, probs a herbal tea- lesbehonest) its really awesome, its benefits sure are dandy" when really it taste like any other god damn herbal tea 'cause they all taste the same- like dirt- unless its peppermint obviously that tastes like fucking toothpaste. So then I remembered that this was my platform in the first place. So fuck it, I'm gonna talk about whats really been taking up most of my time cause it's stressful and I need an outlet.**I'll put a trigger warning though. Because even though I only touch on certain things, my way of dealing with issues is with a dark-er sense of humour. One day I said I wouldn't cry over myself anymore and I haven't since**

***

This is to show that I really do spend a lot of time in bed

Its become a pretty normal part of my life, waking but not getting out of bed or waking, getting up, only to find myself returning within an hour/or two.I wouldn't go as far as to say I was depressed again. I wouldn't even really go as far as to say I'm sad- yet.

I would however say I'm confused and reluctant to spend too much time thinking about it, because god knows once I do that it is like opening the flood gates and surprisingly its only anger that I feel. For someone who has grown up slightly swaying on the shit end of the heath scale, like I'm not 'sick' as such but I have had a lot of fucking stuff wrong with me. Did I bring it upon myself? Maybe. I always told myself it was just something I would eventually grow out of but found myself actually growing into it. Like it became a part of me, if there wasn't something wrong then something must be wrong.Now, I haven't given much thought to where exactly this is going, I haven't thought about which direction to go in or whether to just stick my fingers down the proverbial throat and spew out everything and anything (don't worry I had an eating disorder too, so I can make distasteful analogies right?).

This is me when I was my most sick

No, I don't think I will go into the list of things I battled in my earlier years because that was then and this is now. And to talk about those high school/uni days would be to feed into an indulgence that I've developed when it comes to talking about that part of my life.

What you need to understand about me is that for as long as I can remember there has been something wrong with me- nothing big, nothing bad enough for people to think "sucks to be her" and nothing even scary enough to be life threatening unless I chose to go down that path (except for the fits I was having where I would black out and stop breathing, but I would 9/10 times pull myself out of that, the 10th time being when a teacher had to resuscitate me on a school camp). I guess in those years where people are finding out what they are good at, what they want to be when they grow up and what truly inspires them- I was in bed. I was spending more time with my doctor than I was at school. I was whiling myself to enjoy needles (which paid off considering I don't even flinch now). I was stuck in my own head so much so that I actually thought I could develop telekinetic powers. THAT'S how fucking bored I got. But I was also so tired and so unmotivated that it really didn't cross my mind to own my own life- take back control. Plus I was seventeen and not being forced to go to school- some people told me I was living the dream.

This is me when I was in hospital

I was good at being less healthy than the average healthy person.Fast forward 5 years, a couple of fits and a few depressed days later, I'm a grown ass adult. About to move out of home to the big smoke, ready to build up a larger blog following and hopefully put more time and energy into being creative- hey I might even teach a few days here and there if I feel the need. Who knows the world is my oyster and I'm the boss.

Then I feel a sharp stab that moves through my body like a fucking fish being gutted. Period pain is nothing new but I'm only half way through my cycle. I sit down on the edge of my bed and I hold my breath, it gets worse before it starts to ease and say to myself over and over again "Not today. Not today. Not today". I will myself up and stub my toe on the corner of the bed (fuck you) and go to the bathroom.BloodNot heavy enough for me to scream out and try explain to my dad whats going on (It's ovulation dad, and it hurts, now I'm spotting! No dad, that isn't the same thing as my period. Well, yeah, I guess it is all from the same area. Yes dad, I'm definitely positive its not my period. Here quick read this "Period for Dummies" book so you can catch up). But, blood non the less, and not at the right time when having blood on your underwear is less of a chilling thought.

I book in for my first ever appointment with a gynecologist. He just happens to be male. I just happen to not overly enjoy males that aren't my dad or my brothers or my boyfriend (don't worry I grew out of that, I know, all men aren't evil, but hey, I had good reason). But he's nice. He does forget about me though, as I spent almost two hours in the waiting room whilst mothers and other ladies trotted in, even if they came after me. But I'm actually fine with that as I don't really want to be here anyway. I chose to do this on my own, as doctors waiting offices are nothing new to me- it was probably the only independence I ever had.

I go in, he does his thing, I wont go into detail- 'cause, i'm liberal but I aint that liberal- but he is professional none the less. It hurts and its just really uncomfortable.He tells me to look at the ultrasound screen, like the ones that soon to be mothers look at when they get to see their baby for the first time, something I would imagine would be a more joyous occasion than what I was about to experience.It's a cyst! Your having a cyst! Congratulations! Can you see it, right there on your left ovary. It's one of those common ones that most women get and some can just live with them and never even have symptoms- which as it turns out was me. The cyst wasn't causing any discomfort it was the- now let me see if I can get this right- An..any..mosis? En..o...enometicosis? endo...endometreeooosssiisssss?Endometriosis.

Welcome Endometriosis,Let me introduce you to depression, anxiety, glandular fever, chronic fatigue (thats Glandular Fevers evil older brother, try not to stare) blackouts, fits, eating disorder, eczema, and poor eyesight. You'll be bunking with these guys, they have been here for a while and don't tend to cause too much emotional or physical pain anymore. But I see you've brought some friends, infertility is it? I've heard awful things. Oh and how could I forget Hormonal Imbalance. You're a real fucking bitch. And lastly this must be Debilitating Pain, how very horrible to meet you, come to think of it, I would actually prefer it if you left.

This isnt' me but its funny and relevant

So one laparoscopy later, the Endometriosis is worse that first depicted and I'm faced with this gut wrenching feeling that I just couldn't shake.

I'm not going to be able to have children. Despite my gynecologists passing words of "you'll have plenty of babies!". I just couldn't shake this feeling, call it mothers intuition (ironic? cruel?) but I just sensed it. I still do.

I haven't been on the pill (don't even get me started on my hatred for 'The Pill'), though apparently this helps Endometriosis because it helps keep the excess Estrogen at bay, which is apparently necessary to be a women but too much of it causes nasty things like Breast Cancer and Ovarian Cancer and Endometrial Cancer and my new best friend Endometriosis. But I wasn't having any of that "you must be on the pill!" talk because that fucking little pill caused me to lose my fucking mind. The world is a harsh place when its like "Here is the key to your pain free life, but if you take it, you probably will spiral into depression, and you probably will die".

My point is, I'm not on the pill (or using any other contraception for that matter, don't worry I'm in a steady relationship, if I was having multiple partners it would be a very different story). But haven't fallen pregnant. This is where is gets messy. "Soooo you're trying to have a baby?"- ah no not real.. "So your not trying to have a baby thats a little irresponsible?"- well I guess now that you mention... "Haven't you only known your boyfriend for like a hot minute?" - okay just hang on there one minu.... "aren't you still only renting a house? With three other boys?"- They want a dog, a baby is like a dog yeah?. "You don't even have a full time job!?", "You only just learnt how to cook your own dinner!", "You don't even have your own health insurance!". OKAY OKAY I GET IT.

This is the type of conversation I have with myself every day.I'm my own worst enemy and when I feel like i'm running out of time, I. Fucking. Panic. Everyone is told that they need to do life in a certain order. You study, you get a job, you buy a house (make sure you fall in love somewhere between job and house), get married, have children, get old, retire, move to Florida and die.So far I've studied, got a job not in my field, fell in love, brought a new Becca highlighter (fucking worth it), discussed IVF, accepted worse case scenario, punched a wall (slapped), booked in for another laparoscopy and hysteroscopy, contemplated veganism, settled for vegetarianism for now and tried not to google "endometriosis and infertility" too often (five to ten times a day is fine).

I'm 24, my boyfriend is also 24, he is from England, I'm from Australia, we aren't even ready for joint accounts at a bank let alone at the IVF Clinic. I'm not at all ready for children but I also don't want to get to 30 and try for a baby and be told I didn't take action soon enough. Which brings me to now. Limbo. I'm in such a confused state of mind that I just don't know what any of my options are. I mean, hell, the lady at the IVF clinic put out her hand for my paper work and instead of giving it to her I awkwardly grabbed her hand to shake it- not what she fucking wanted and the surprise skin on skin action with a stranger just left us both standing there awkwardly with my hand on hers for what felt like eternity. It obviously wasn't 'cause Ellis said he didn't even notice, but it stuck with me the whole time she took my blood and told me to pee in a cup. I was a mess. I am a mess. But what I do know is, I'll be VERY lucky if I fall pregnant naturally or with IVF (I probably wont be able to have children naturally- ever, because of the particular places my endometriosis grow) So every step of starting a family will be planed and paid for and thats what I have to start thinking about now.

It's like being told in high school you have to decide what you want to do in life when your 18 and all you want to do is drink and party. I'm 24, all I want to do is travel and fucking find myself or what ever you're supposed to do. But fuck, instead I'm back in the doctors office, watching shitty fucking Sunrise on 7, updating my Instagram, not mentioning any of this and just pretending I'm not at all incredibly fucking frustrated with myself.

I feel like Kylie Jenner said it the best...

"Like I feel like every year has a new energy... Like I feel like this year is really about, like the year of just realising stuff and everyone around me we're all just realising things. 2016- looking good"

Monday

Dress - Meek to Chic* // Shoes - Windsor Smith // Hat - Brixton // Bag - The LairI could not have asked for a better outfit to welcome myself back to blogging. I also couldn't have asked for a cooler location- Coles, Port Melbourne, roof top parking. It has some of the best views in Melbourne... probably, I don't know. It was a little busy and a little intimidating at first. But blog shoots are just like riding a bike, you stand there and pretend you're more important than you actually are whilst your photographer (a friend you begged to take the photos for you) tries to work his way around the light leaks because you accidentally dropped your lens when you arrived in Sydney... drunk (it was just the UV filter, I'm not that irresponsible). I did finish this shoot by saying "If I was on ANTM I probably, more than likely, definitely would have been told I nailed it within the first few frames" which is a humble way of saying I think the photos turned out really cool and I think I look okay. If there is one thing I've learnt from my time away it's take as many selfies as you can but don't ever elude to or suggest that you - in any way shape or form - think you look good. 'Cause like, thats so narcissistic.I do however, really like this outfit, the dress was in great condition and when I had an issue with the zip the girls at Meek to Chic handled it promptly and got me a new one in no time, given that it was around christmas and the Aus Post apparently crumbles under the pressure as if they didn't have the whole year to prepare for it. The dress fits like a glove and I can even get away with chucking a denim skirt on with it to dress it down. I will say, as i've learnt from experience with these kind of flared sleeves- don't eat spaghetti or do any reaching across tables in it 'cause you will fucking ruin it. IF you want to keep reading on I do go into a few reasons as to why I've been away for so long. Keep in mind it's super cryptic and general and doesn't actually tell you anything of importance 'cause most of it was pretty personal. But I mean do it anyway 'cause you've made it this far. IT's been one hell of a couple of months. Obviously i've been away for quite some time. Honestly I took the time to kind of unplug for a while. I guess I didn't really know what direction I was going in for quite sometime. I wasn't using my degree, I was working in an office and I was trying really hard to stay motivated and be creative all the while trying to keep on top of things that were happening in my personal life. I've never been good at juggling- i've always had the coordination of a baby giraffe and I soon found myself lost, unmotivated and burnt out. I was watching all my friends who were in the same position as me, all creative types, at 24 with still no direct path in life. We would all discuss the fact that not one of us were where we wanted to be in life. I guess I always pride myself on being quite honest but I had found myself slowly becoming something I wasn't proud of. I know this outlook had a lot more to do with my personal life than it did with social media - but I guess in order for me to be comfortable putting my life on social media I had to be comfortable in my own skin, which I definitely wasn't. WHich brings me to now, I think the time I have taken off wasn't planned but it was obviously what I needed both physically and mentally. I can now say i'm much happier and I have found that balance between being present in reality and being constant on social media. I have built up my support network again and I have found someone who embodies everything that I have hoped for, who always seeks out the positives, brings out my strengths and accepts, no- loves, my flaws. And as much as I would love to say that I'm a strong independent woman and have made these leaps on my own (which he constantly states is truth and fact), I know deep down that if it were not for him, and others in my life I would probably still be in that same old rut, stressed about life and taking it all way to seriously. *Disclaimer; Meek to Chic gifted their Groove Girl Tunic but I was not paid for this post.