Road Bible

Road Bible

Don't anyone take this offensively,I'm taking time from figuring out my float togive some"insight" to anyone who "wants" to work "on the road"read on.......

Do you have a: family, pet, wife, kids, home, disgusting habit, desire for lotsof sleep, diet thatconsists of water and tofu, motion sickness, inability to lift more than 75 lbs(just to name afew), if you ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THESE, Stay at Home because you wont make itout here,and what you had left will be gone when you get back.While you'rethinking of yourwoman getting porked by your neighbor,or Fido running into traffic,as well asyour kids tellingyou about your long lost brothers who sleep over while you're gone.After whiningto us aboutyour $1000 cell phone bill, I don't want you dropping a shackle from the grid,tipping a PAstack over, electrocuting a lighting guy, or puking in someones bunk, which maylead to gettingyourself in deep horsepuckey.Thers nothing worse than having to pick up aslackers slack. (Especially when preventable)

Think you're a good candidate?? Hardcore???, ready for battle?? Read on

SchoolsSchools are a good foundation for jobs in "enhanced enviroments", no school cansimulate a18,000 seat bldg, or teach you how to lift a console, or pull cable, stack,power up, repair,without hurting yourself or someone else. As well as making it sound good, lookgood, or getthere in one piece. If you have the money go for it. But don't think for aminute a sound orlighting co is going to make you a trade mag worthy engineer overnite.after youspend 30grand,and get your first gig,guess what? Youll still be stacking pa, trusses,pulling cable,loading trucks, driving trucks, busses,etc. There is no substitute forexperience, but in a schoolyou will learn some basics. Edicate, Practical Application, and knowing whatthe f*ck to dowhen something goes wrong will come with experience. Unless youre ignorant, orlazy.

The Big Green Book of rock n rollThis book is not for sale.Its never been published,youll never see a copy. Excerpts have beenhanded down,(the same way Moses got his) as follows:Page 1The GIG comes firstPage 2 You will never see anything in this book that tells you this job is fair.Page 3 Dont be late,if you are bring a copy of your obituaryPage 4 First time it's a favor next time its your gigPage 5 On the way up, those you stepped on will sh*t on you, as you come backdownPage 6 The Band will always winPage 7 Know what to do when something goes wrong.or else.Page 8 Be nice.Being an asshole will only get you a window or aisle seat,oneway.Page 9 No one gives a rats ass how you did it with xyz band.Theres a right way,wrong wayand our way.Page 10 Don't fix it till its brokePage 11 The wheel has already been invented,sometimes it needs new tires,or alittle bit ofair,have a workbox ready,and an airhose,and know how to use em.Trying toreinvent the wheelmay cause you to get locked in a workbox with a hose up your a**.Take Care ofyour sh*t.Page 12 The rumor you started will end.see page 8Page 13 Everyone gets paid to do theyre job.Want more money? Get another job,orbe best atwhat you do,learn your "bosses"job.Page 14 Call girls make good money, whores get screwed for free, don't getcaught with yourpants downPage 15 Trust and respect are earned.Page 16 Thou shall not lie,Thou shall shut up.eventually the truth will comeout, you may earnrepect,or get a choice of seats.Page 17 Bandmembers wives,girls etc have passes for one reason know who you'redealingwith in all aspects.Page 18 Don't be stupid,check and double check,or someone may not live to seetheir nextcheck.Page 19 Tour managers /Production managers do exactly what they're title says,They arrangetravel as well.and always have cash and credit cards. Piss them off and youllfind out whatelse they can do. Page 20 Nothing is secret or sacred on the road.we will find out eventually.Page 21 ASK IF YOU DON'T KNOW,Just Don't Ask the wrong personPage 22 What goes on on the road, stays on the roadPage 23 Understand politics,but don't get involved with it.

Get the picture???? Eventually you will.....maybe....keep reading......

The prostitution theory and touring (note: both boys and girls can beprostitutes,or whores forthe purpose of this analogy)

Prostitution and whores have been around for a zillion years. In the touringindustry, theconcept of performing gracious, skilled,professional tasks happens daily. Justlike cheapwhores and well paid prostitutes. There is a difference between a prostituteand a cheapwhore. A Top Shelf Prostitute looks good,is clean,smells good,knows how tohandle herself,stays out of trouble(or tries) does things in a business like manner,and isloved by many,aswell as hated by a few. She gets whatshe wants because of most of the above and doesn't have to work as hard as awhore. A goodprostitute can charge a premium rate, and if someone doesn't want to pay thatpremium,shesimply walks away with a smile as someone else will have her(remember shes goodatbusiness) and she provides a much needed service.If she has to do something out of the norm,she charges more and gets it, if oneis not willing topay they get nothing.A good prostitute knows that the customer always comesfirst(no punintended),and will always have work

A Whore may do things for thrills,bartering or a few quick bucks. She may needa bath, have ahistory with the health dept in every major city, dress like sh*t, and bephysically offendingCops always lock her up, she pisses people off, may have tons of bad habits, butstill providesthe same service as her upscale rival. She has to work twice as hard,chargesless,is a majorpain in the ass, has a ton of "baggage" and wont do anything special butbasically gets the jobdone. A whore has a short life expectancy for different reasons,and usuallydisappears as fastas they came on the scene. Sometimes a rude awakening will send her off to theclothing store,doctor,makeover shop, and a bathtub, and she may break out of the ragged imageshes takenon.It takes twice as much hard work to get "back on top", with early retirement,or physicalproblems ending her career.

DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT.IF YOU WANT TO BE A PRO, KNOW YOUR SH*T ANDACT LIKE A PRO,and you will reap the rewards of repeat work,bettermoney,and a decent life DON'T BE A WHORE.............

If you really want to work in the touring industry,find a touring related job. Go to a soundcompany, lighting co, trucking co, pyro company, bus co, and apply for a job. goto a localshow and get on the "Call", get hired, pay your dues and you will be partiallyon the road tosuccess. Shut up listen and learn and have no fear of manual labor. No one willhire you fromjob corps,the newspaper,or lottery. If you want this job YOU have to get it.Itrarely getshanded down.(there are a few exceptions like band members families in "other"types of musicbut that doesn't last long).yes really.The shit you put up with in the beginning will educate you for the latter,schoolor no school.Wedon't want snivelers,whiners,or crybabies. Ex- Military folks do well on theroad,and adaptquickly.Wanna know why??? Discipline, familiarity with sh*ttyconditions,knowledge of teamwork and organization, Learning how to go through a chain of command, and abovealllearning to be an expert in their field, and understanding unit comraderie. There is no grievanceboard,or company nurse,sick days, or foo foo baskets on birthdays. The tour isthe nation, withdifferent ranks, rules and policies. Many are unwritten (go back to the greenbook files) ThisIsn't just a job, it's a different way of life. Be good at something. If thatsomething is desirableyou will always be working. Don't sell yourself short. If you cant live onwhat someone wantsto pay you, find another job.

You want my job??? Get the fu$%k off your ass and do something. Dont just sitthere,dosomething,open a phone book,look in a newspaper,or pollstar,or a schedule, anddosomething. Dont just sit there, DO SOMETHING!Epilogue: On another note,"touring can be like boyscout camp withgirls,liquor,and__________." After the work is done. NOW GO!M