Kink

I have been given a task as to why a bratty boy should not wake his Sir without a morning coffee. Keeping in mind that not every Dominant drink’s coffee nor does every dominate expect their boys to have coffee by the ready, and the is the brilliance about the differences in dynamics of D/s relationships, not one is the same as another. Even if they are in a leather family situation each boy would have a different relationship structure and or guide lines then each other. From the outside looking in it may appear to be the same; however, the internal workings would be unique and different for each interaction / relationship structure with the Sir(s) and boy (s). This is just the defining factor – Humans are not robots, no one boy or Sir is the same, with various life experiences, tastes and inherent belief systems. The one variable that you really cannot train and that’s the animalistic aspect of every human, as we all carry our own unique finger prints and views on the world at large.

I am not like any other pup or boy, and just like any other pup or boy that is fortunate to be in a caring and loving D/s relationship, I too have structures, and these carry their own unique rituals which make the relationship grow and develop into its own dynamic. One of the rituals that I hold dear is ensuring when Sir wakes up he has coffee and that its made the way he likes it. Even when he may be up before me, I normally drag my ass out of bed to ensure a coffee is made and presented.

Why go to the trouble, in a traditional leather style D/s, it is not up for discussion, the boy does as required and told, no arguments, however in a more contemporary style of D/s relationships this has changed. The boy now has a say and choices. And the choices can be easily placed into two categories Reward or consequence. There certainly is much more discussion and a narrative is formed, that goes hand to hand with the trust, I would argue stronger connections are forged.

What’s this all about Coffee? Many of us associate coffee with mornings. It’s the thing that we need to kickstart the day. Sir is no different, and ensuring Sir has one, this in itself has become a ritual that has grown, I enjoy the service and the time with Sir. Both of us work late hours, we tend to be on similar sleeping patterns. The problem for me is that I always wake up super horny or in a pup mode and/or space.

I have a tendency to want attention of some description. Where unlike me, that has a bout of energy, Sir much prefers a more relaxed wake up, and prefers to start the morning without stress to a nice coffee, sit down on the balcony and check his phone for various messages, and probably the only time he really interacts with Facebook. This is his ritual, and I’ve been added to this time line of events. As indicated above this is why it’s now become part of my morning ritual when I stay at Sir’s. Therefore, it is important that anyones day should have a good start, that is relaxed, without throwing out rituals. When you start your day off in a positive good way, it assists with dealing with what the world may have install for you for the rest of the day. Even if the day before was not that good.

Rituals are important, and a boy enjoys the service to his Sir, this helps with rewards, and allowing the mindset of a submissive to flourish and a stronger bond and connection is built. One of the main reasons as to why it is important to ensure Sir has a coffee in the morning is to ensure rituals are not thrown out and that a good start to the day is important to build the foundations for the rest of the day’s events.

Respect is another aspect of the modern D/s while it has always been entrenched in the traditional D/s relationships, now more than ever, both the submissive and Dominant must have a level of respect and more discussions occur these days then in traditional D/s relationships. However, at the core of every D/s is respect, care and trust. As a submissive, it is important to ensure that I respect the rituals laid out for me by my Sir, and having the privilege to make morning coffee, is honoured, showing that I respect the role of my Dominant in the D/s. Waking Sir up and wanting to play and get attention, is breaking the ritual, even though puppy may not see it this way, the boy understands such importance to ritual, that it would be seen as disrespectful be wanting attention before Sir has a chance to wake up and at least have his first coffee.

This sometimes can be difficult as I am also horny and generally erect and wanting sexual attention, and this is where lays the art of submission. I know that I will get the attention, and probably something a lot more. Therefore, it is important that morning rituals are followed and that Sir has a coffee or two and allowed to wake up first. So, the rewards are far greater than the consequence of being seen as being painful. It in my experience also allows Sir to plan what he will do with me rather than a hap hazard attempt to just satisfy me without really satisfying both parties. For a D/s to work well, both parties must feel that both their desires and needs are being meant from the interactions of both the submissive and Dominant.

Finally, the third reason not to wake Sir without a coffee in the morning, is simply this not only makes him grumpy, it’s also a way to show him that I respect and honour him as my Sir. It also demonstrates I have an understanding of the internal workings of our D/s relationship. While some may not see it as a big thing, to a BDSM relationship it is, it’s a meaningful way that I actively demonstrate that I understand the importance of being his submissive and that I value our D/s.

To demonstrate the importance and the value of our interactions and limited time, by assisting in his rituals and helping for a good start to his day, and mine is focusing on the healthy side of the relationship. Any good relationship is a two-way street. Healthy relations are positive for good health and are needed in building trust in a D/s Dynamic. Trust is key and with that comes good health; physically, mentally and emotionally. Both parties take responsibility of this. My actions; by ensuring Sir has a coffee is one way that I can demonstrate this, it shows my respect, love, compassion, and above all that I care about our dynamic, and understand the importance that a simple thing as providing coffee for him can be a symbol of my wiliness to submit.

Inconclusion the importance of Sir having a coffee, is not the act if making it and presenting it, nor is it about starting off the day in a good way, yes that is essentially important. The reason I should not wake Sir and want attention is to ensure we have a healthy D/s relationship that we trust each other to do the right thing. It’s a way I can physically show him that I understand this importance. It’s about giving back, and not receiving all the time. Dominant and submissive relationships (D/s) to work, they need these basic foundations or they will fall apart. When he is taking me to my limits, I know I can trust him, and if a simple thing as wanting to follow a ritual helps demonstrate my willingness to submit and be a good boy, then it is important to me to ensure

I can show this, just as it is when he shows me aftercare after a session, or he gives me

a warm hug when he see me or when I am down. It’s not about the coffee, it’s about the actions that show that I want to be his boy.

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Before I write this, I firstly want to reassure everyone that this is not an article that informs the reader on how they should or should not be a submissive, boy or pup. Rather this article is drawn from my experiences and how I navigated between the different headspaces. It should be noted that no one person is the same, and has different experiences, some purely identify as pups while others as slaves, submissive, Handlers, Dominates, etc. And some are switches or have a combination which makes them that unique individual. Why go to so much trouble stating the obvious? Because in my experience you need to.

Why this subject, I get to that shortly… Firstly a bit about how I play, I identify as male, am gay, and part of my identity includes being a leather pup, sometimes a skin pup… Yet there are other sides of my kinky self, I love all forms of BDSM, I am a submissive, while very bratty and challenging to any Dom, many consider me an Alpha in my communities, yet I also identify as a boy. Why is this important, I am hopeful that this allow the reader to see where I draw my experiences from.

You got my ball?

This subject was chosen for me, by a Dominant who while we were interacting was able to observe me fluidity switch between head-spaces, from pup, to boy, to puppy to brat and back again. Mostly my personas are submissive.

What is head-space or sub-space: the term headspace or one of its variations such as sub space, puppy space, drop and other such terms. What does this mean? Head space is generally considered to be an altered state of consciousness within BDSM play that is used to ‘lose yourself’ in a scene. It is described as a state of mind whereby the body’s endorphin’s, enkephalin’s and adrenaline take over the mind and produce a morphine like effect. It’s what takes over our mind when we engage in various activities, some considered risky sexual practices, or Animal play such as pup play (that may have nothing to do with a sexual act)

It varies between individuals, but head space is a period whereby there is an altered state of reality. Headspace is a period whereby the individual enters an altered psychological state that manifests itself into physical and emotional actions, images, feelings and thoughts that have been brought on by a dramatic increase in adrenaline and endorphin that will occur during a scene. It’s hard to explain without sounding odd – but let’s try…. To see full article BDSM Headspace

Above I mentioned pup space and puppy space, I define these two differently, one is almost the state that I am in mostly and that is like a pup headspace, that shares my thoughts with the happenings of the real world around me, and then there is puppy-space, now for me that can be either, headspace only, so being in the moment right now or sexual or both, depending on the environment or the scene.

Boy space for me is similar to what many in the Kink community refer to as sub-space. The boy is the one out of all my submissive spaces and will be happy partaking in the heavier BDSM activities.

The pup or puppy are much softer headspaces, and sometimes do not involve any BDSM activities except the D/s Dynamic component. There may not be any sexual acts that occur, and while this can be debated to the hill by both sides of the argument to what constitutes a sexual act, for now this is a debate that I will not engage in.

When in a scene that may cross over or evolve from pup to puppy to boy or even handler requires the learned ability to do this in a way that is fluid without causing undue stress on the mental capacity to cope with the various stimulation of the activity at present or damaging (hurting) the space that your currently in while traversing or transitioning to the next head-space and sometimes back again. At times this may be having both headspaces in the fore front at the same time, which takes a lot of energy, both mental and emotionally.

An example of this; if I Pup out as Scout and then Spanky pup comes to the fore front or even the boy. They each have their own unique persona and traits that can be identified as their own. They are different states of consciousness.

The BDSM scene has had an insight into this with the idea of that being in an “head space” is imperative to a scene. What being in a head space entails is an altered psychological state which is induced by adrenaline and endorphin spikes that often occur during a scene. Often the scene manifests into specific actions, feelings and thought processes which may or may not normally exist outside that scene. The practice often prepares the body for the activity that is occurring, or about to occur depending on the scene. The ‘head space’ is a crucial aspect to the enjoyment of a scene and immersing one’s self into the activity taking place. This is known as being “in the zone” or being in the “in the moment”. Surely such an ideology can transcend into sexual practices? If each individual has a different head space that they use when they experience sex, it can lead to them experiencing a different type of sex. If we consider it, this would explain the idea of emotional sex, passionate sex, lustful sex, primal sex and the variety of different activities that occur. It could also explain the idea of masturbatory regret. For example, masturbatory regret is the idea that an individual feels shame and embarrassment at the type of sexual stimulation that they were using in the quest to achieve sexual climax. In BDSM and fetishes head space is something that can occur with any of the individuals within a specific scene. Head space is often labelled by their role in the scene. For example, subspace, top space, Dom space, pony space and puppy space.

After many discussion with various community members, I have coined the idea of a headspace cycle. The cycle is to assist in illustrating how entering into headspace for a play scene or event may look like. Of course this is on my experiences, and may differ from person to person, as many things do in this community and a person’s psyche.

The human psyche is the mind or soul. It is the centre of an individual’s emotions, thought and behaviour. The psyche controls the individual’s response to his environment. The etymology of the word refers to the animating spirit of the individual.

According to McLeod; Sigmund Freud defined the human psyche as consisting of the id, ego and superego. According to Freud, these three aspects of the psyche developed at different stages of maturity. The id is impulsive and demands immediate satisfaction, while the ego helps to mediate its demands with the real world. The super ego incorporates the values and norms of the world around the individual.

Carl Jung further refined the description of the psyche to include a collective unconsciousness. He saw the psyche as existing since birth. Jung taught that the psyche was not just the result of one’s environment. He spoke of the self as the whole of the psyche, the persona as the part of the psyche that developed for personal convenience, and the shadow as carrying the things an individual was unwilling to admit about himself.

Cognitive psychology, which gained popularity in the 1950s and 1960s, after Freud and Jung, prefers the word mind to psyche. It teaches that the way to understand behaviour is to understand the workings of the brain in processing information. Cognitive psychology remains the most popular school of thought as of 2014.

According to Freud’s model of the psyche, “the id is the primitive and instinctual part of the mind that contains sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories…”

Therefore Headspace would certainly be a part of Freud’s id, the original thought of the headspace cycle was, Engaging persona – entering head space – deep headspace – returning to real life (RL) – Drop. As like any idea, with thought, guidance and discussion I further developed the model to create a more in-depth cycle as illustrated below.

Headspace Cycle

Engaging Persona – In my experience as I enter a play scene, a mosh, much or a kinky environment or event that will cause a response, thus allowing me to engage one of my personas, similar to when I am about to start work in the Kitchen, It could be argued that we all have a professional persona, therefore I have a chef persona. When attending an event such as a MOSH normally Pup Scout is engaged and commences entering into headspace. This does not mean that half way through the event or even the scene that Spanky wont want to be engaged, commencing the cycle of engaging a different persona and entering into headspace.

Entering Headspace – This is where you generally considered to be entering into an altered state of consciousness, this would be the beginning, the triggers that make you tick and start to prepare for the scene or event ahead.

In Headspace – You have gone past the triggers of engaging the desired headspace or persona and are now in what many refer to as the zone, sub / dom space or puppy space. This is when the characteristics of the persona start to come to the for front and you engaging your desires the primitive and instinctual part of your altered state of consciousness.

Deep Headspace – This is different for each individual, however here I generally feel there are different levels if this altered state of consciousness, similar to that of sleep patterns, you have different levels so the deeper you go the higher the level of headspace, making it more difficult to return to RL in a shorter period. Another analogy of this is the higher the high so the more naturally occurring chemicals which are exhibited the bigger the potential drop can be, this is both for sub and Dom.

Coming Out of Headspace: Returning to Real Life (RL) – This is the stage when play or the scene or event is coming to an end, and you commence the transition back to RL. At this stage after care may also be provided, and should be where ever required. This stage of the cycle may be long or short it depends on the individual, their experience and how deep they were in headspace. There are various methods different people use to return to RL thinking. Keep in mind that after care may be required after this stage, as some people may continue to ride the wave of the the high experienced from the activity whilst in the zone or headspace. I have know both Dom’s and subs to ride this wave for up to 3 days.

While in RL mode, you may still have parts of your persona out, this is an individual trait, for me a part of my puppy-ish ways or bratty side is always on display… If you experience a wave of these wonderful emotions then you need to understand that this is natural, but aftercare must be considered as essential to the planning of any event or activity.

Drop – (sometimes called subdrop, Dom drop and “The Mondays”) is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense SM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes after the adrenaline and endorphin spikes that may occur during a scene. Drops may occur straight after the scene or even hours or a couple of days latter, also event drops occur as we generally use a lot of energy whist at a kinky event – see link for full article: BDSM WIKI – DROP

Reflection: This may not always occur, but many of us do reflect on the event or scene that we have just endured, as it may be gentle or a little rough to extreme. This reflection is normal, as it helps with growth and development and enables us to create better connections with either our Dominate or submissive.

Multiple Headspaces: If indeed that there is a headspace cycle, as described above each different headspace would also have its own beginning and end, with potential overlaps. Visualising this is complex as this experience would be as individual and unique for each person or even each activity. Meaning if someone was able to traverse through various headspaces (keeping in mind that some kinky people may only have one space) they may be indifferent stages of the cycle, they may not even complete the cycle and stay in a suspend state of that headspace while they experience the other. An example is if I am in puppy headspace and I move into another form of heavier activity such as impact play with maybe the combination of restraints and rope, the pup may transition to the boy space while at the same time transverse with the sexualised side. Therefore while the pup may still be somewhat engaged he moves to the back while the boy who is now more engaged moves to the for-front.

The further issue with this is returning back to real life as the scene or event finishes all headspaces return back to their real life state. Then we have the drops so the pup for me is known to drop much faster then the boy, so while the boy may still be riding the wave from the scene the pup may not be travelling so well, and drop from the experience.

The Effects of slipping between Headspaces:

As I have not been able to find much written about slipping between Headspaces in BDSM, this is purely based on my own experiences.

Traversing between different personas and headspaces, I have experienced this several times during an event or a scene. What I have experienced when traversing through headspaces is that I tend to drop at different times, with the various personas. I can say for sure it is a roller coaster ride, the best way to describe it is one half wants to curl up and have cuddles or feel shitty, the other side is riding a high of what just occurred. This then causes the side on the down to want to re-engagement the activity to get another experience, commencing the cycle from the start, or not completing the cycle… causing for further overlapping. A state of confusion may occur, where you question why you feeling down and at the same time so great, causing what many refer to as a mind fuck.

You may even question your own abilities or identity. Without clarity it may prevent future engagement with the personas and finding it more difficult to drop into headspace, meaning you may not be able to play. This may also put strain on the D/s if not communicated and discussed.

Open Communication is key to any successful D/s relationship.

The issue I found when I tried reengage the cycle again to try and get a lift on the persona that is having the drop, this is not only is this both time consuming, and in our current lifestyles we are generally all time poor, but it also takes a lot of energy, commitment by both the Dominant and the submissive. I also ignore why I was feeling low and not allow the time needed to readjust.

This can certainly take its impact on the various sub spaces, as it is my belief you need to complete the cycle and have the required aftercare and allow yourself to return to RL sate. If you are playing with one dominate, it can also have a burden impact on them as you will be consuming more of the energies required for such a extension of the session, and the additional aftercare that is now required. Remember we are time poor and this needs to always be factored in.

A negative consequence on the Dominant preventing them from providing their own care as they are more concerned with the submissive who is experiencing a potential high and drop at the same time, whilst reflecting and having to return to RL.

If your playing with more then one dominate, you may be able to have additional play, but be aware of your state of mind, as this has the potential to have an impact on the scene or the aftercare. There are many times that unless the Dominates and part of a leather family structure, communication may be missed or avoided by the submissive, not allowing for proper required aftercare.

The energies required to slip between headspaces are on multiple levels, and this is what forms the required connections and bonds between Dominate and submissive, The Dominate needs to watch these and react when occurs especially if they are controlling the play, and allow the submissive enough time to transact with the correct headspace required.

It needs to be noted that these energies are emotional, physical and physiological. This what allows us to play how we choose. Thus; allowing for these very strong connections and bonds that we form. The impacts of traversing through headspaces may cause burn out. Or have personas that may be gentler to become easily hurt, by a mistake that the play went more extreme and not allowing the submissive to navigate the various headspaces, especially if they are already in a deep state of altered consciousness. Being in the incorrect headspace for the required scene would also be damaging for the submissive. This is more likely to happen with those who slip between headspaces during one session.

I found that when slipping between various headspaces takes longer to digest what has occurred this can have potential negative impacts on my real life as I will require a longer period to return to my real life state as I may still be reflecting whilst attempting to do my job or worst still ignore the emotional state that tends to go hand in hand with a sub-drop. I must be careful not to allow or to prevent the correct after care being provided which has the ability to damage the connection and the bond required in a D/s relationship.

Finally this brings me personal responsibility. While we all play using the golden rules of BDSM – Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) or RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink I feel it is also the personal responsibly of both the submissive and the Dominant to ensure that not only the engagement of the activity is safe and active consent provided but the correct after care is provided, so when I play or attend an event I prefer to practice PRICK – Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink. This ensures that when traversing through headspaces I can communicate my needs to the Dominate and we can both take personal responsibility for our actions to ensure we are both safe.

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If you’re new to BDSM you might have heard the term headspace or one of its variations such as sub space, puppy space, drop and other such terms. What does this mean? Head space is generally considered to be an altered state of consciousness within BDSM play that is used to ‘lose yourself’ in a scene. It is described as a state of mind whereby the body’s endorphins, enkephalins and adrenaline take over the mind and produce a morphine like effect. It’s what takes over our mind when we engage in risky sexual practices such as urethral sounding. To the ordinary person, putting something down your urethra might sound outlandish, painful and crazy, and to a certain extent it is. But by altering the mind and approaching things slightly differently an individual can come to terms about doing things which might seem outlandish and outrageous. They use their hormones and arousal to reframe their state of mind into participating into a sexual activity that they may or may not have been into beforehand.

It varies between individuals, but head space is a period whereby there is an altered state of reality. Headspace is a period whereby the individual enters an altered psychological state that manifests itself into physical and emotional actions, images, feelings and thoughts that have been brought on by a dramatic increase in adrenaline and endorphin that will occur during a scene. It’s hard to explain without sounding odd – but let’s try.

When engaging in BDSM play it is referred to as a scene. In a scene there is generally some form of role play being done – generally whereby one participant is subjected to one activity while the other one maintains control of the activity. Take for example one of the most relatable forms of BDSM as a power exchange within a dominant and submissive relationship. The dominant is the one in control of the situation, whereas the submissive is the one that carries out, or is subjected to the control the dominant. In order to do this the participants need to let go who they are and become a character of sorts. They might not normally be submissive or dominant outside of that room, but within that room and within that ‘scene’ they become something else. To reinforce that they might employ the use of BDSM aesthetics, by that it is meant BDSM toys and tools will generally have a certain look. Consider the attire of a dominant, if he/she walks in in casual clothes, ripped jeans, wearing thongs then that projects a completely different aesthetic than what it would if they walked into a room in a leather hood, with black gloves, black boots and handcuffs swaying from their fingers. Essentially, the purpose of a scene is to lose yourself within the scene. Some activities might involve pushing your body to the extreme, inflating dildos and anal stretching is one such example. By not being in a state of arousal, or preparing your mind and body for the activity at hand, you’ll find that you’re not able to enjoy it in the same way and might otherwise find it very difficult to continue.

It is a form of acting in a way whereby you’re letting go of who you are, role playing in a scene if you will. Once you have let go of who you are, and you’re focused on the scene you are said to be within a form of headspace.

Head space is more often commonly associated with the submissive, but there is evidence to suggest that dominants also experience an altered state of consciousness as well. We’ll start by exploring the idea of Sub-Space before moving on to Dom-space.

What Is Subspace In BDSM

Sub Space is an altered state of consciousness that varies between individuals. The very basic kind of definition that can be applied is that it refers to a state where the brainwaves in the mind are functioning in a different way that the basic defaults of ‘being awake and alert’ and ‘sleeping’. Keep in mind that this is a very basic definition and the idea of head space varies considerably between individuals and play mates. Brains are exceptionally complicated and even with scientific research into head space during BDSM play, there have been no definitive answers as to how and why it occurs as of yet.

What we do know is that sub space is triggered through a reaction that is a response to intense stimulation that results from a scene. It is partly regulated and induced by biochemical changes that occur within the body which have been triggered through the physical and emotional stimulation of the scene. This is primarily referred to as a physiological sub space. It is where the submissive goes into a scene. It’s not referred to a physical place, but the altered state does affect the body and allow them to handle more stimulation. This type of space also provides for emotional stability and in a way, psychological compartmentalization.

A sub is generally aware of how they descended into sub space, and they will remember that a major event has happened but they might forget intimate details, or struggle to recall the majority of what happened during that state. For some, it enhances memory and for others the descent into a sub space allows for deep and reflective thinking and internal problem solving of emotional turmoil and events. It varies considerably between people but the one thing that is a constant within sub space is that it affects people’s awareness considerably. Some submissives might see themselves becoming wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings to the extent whereby they are practically unaware of anything else such as their surroundings their individuality as a person and time, others might shut off completely and enter a trance like state which sees them no longer in control, and in some ways resembles a hypnotic trance like state.

Why Do Submissives Lose Control in Kink?

When playing in a scene, the submissive will be concentrating on the small things. The touch of the dominants hand, the cane, the restraints and how they feel against the skin and they might become carrier away from the mental high that comes about as a result of the increased attention and through the feelings of complete and utter submission and trust. To do this properly they must believe the scene, they must be aware of the limitations of the scene, and they must be aware of the safety procedures in place that are there to protect them. With all these security measures in place, a sub can forget about the danger and the risks and allow themselves to immerse within the scene. As they relax and put more and more trust into that of the dominant within the scene, the natural chemicals of the body will kick in. Trust over takes fear and the flight and fight response will emerge, but it will be controlled. The stimulation will slowly increase, the body will tense and the individuals breathing will become deeper and faster as they lose themselves. It is roughly at this point where the adrenaline rush will occur and the endorphins will take control of the body resulting in the altered mental state. Some people will use BDSM and the altered state of consciousness to help illuminate the mind and achieve a different clarity through which they can resolve issues. BDSM in this fashion becomes more of an illumuniating art form which changes the perception of the individual and allows for the illumination of the mind.

When in this state it is the responsibility of the dominant to ensure the safety of the submissive. Factors such as the intensity of the high and altered state, as well as the speed in which the submissive got there will definitely need to be considered. The dominant needs to notice how far into the sub space the playmate is and from there needs to consider the reaction, the mental state and whether there are any physiological signs that need to be noticed; such as the breathing rate, sounds, and sweating.

From here they might descend into a trance. It resembles a state of strong relaxation and might be akin to a meditative trance or hypnotic trance that has the potential to grow deeper quickly. In this state mental processes will be delayed or slower, and the use of safety precautions such as a safe word or signal might become difficult or even impossible to use in this state. It is up to the dominant to work out when a submissive is in such a state and respond and react accordingly. Verbal responses might be slow to occur and or become non-existent the submissive might fall into certain patterns of behaviour which include moaning, drooling, and laughter, sobbing and growling. Such trance like states can often be seen in examples of over stimulation where something like a high powered bodywand or massage vibe is used to provide intense stimulation to the genitals over a sustained period of time. The body finds itself unable to cope with such intense stimulation and flooding of chemicals and hormones so it enters a trance like state in order to cope and make sense of its surrounding. Whilst this state is otherwise safe, it is imperative that the dominant recognise the risks from continuing and respond accordingly.

The danger in such an altered state is that sometimes a sub will descend further into a state known as flying or the roaring void. This exceeds the trance like state and can be representative of a dangerous mind set. If previously established safe signals are no longer being responded to then that indicates that it is time to stop play and move into a period of after care. A submissive who has entered such a state are incredibly vulnerable and will require nurturing, and after care. We’ll explain this in our aftercare article.

The Idea Of Dom Head Space

There are some people which value the idea of dom space and others which refuse to acknowledge its existence. Both sides have a point to a degree – those that contest the idea of there being a dom-space contest it on the idea that a dominant is supposed to remain in control and in charge of things all the time. The idea of ‘submitting’ to a dom-space could potentially mean that there is a loss of control and the dominant is in danger of neglecting the sub, or being in a position whereby they will fail to notice the signs that indicate a sub is in danger.

The response to that is that dominants must also experience a change. Few dominants might retain that level of control throughout the entirety of their lives, they might also be in a position where they a role playing and in order to submit to that role, and come into it, they also experience a dom space. There are differences though, with dom space often being referred to as a high with an altered and more pure focus with magnified senses. It can increase the connection with the sexual partner and the sense of time is often lost.

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Recently I became aware of hate-filled online comments directed at a member of our community by an ‘anonymous’ individual.

The online environment is a space where we can share our opinions and thoughts and feel more in-touch with our chosen communities. Many of us have used the internet to discover and learn more about the subculture of which we are part, make connections and support one another. Unfortunately, it also allows a small minority of people to bully and harass others – often with the mistaken belief that they are doing so anonymously. I find this horrid and I am dumbfounded that a person who considers themselves to be a member of our community would bully and harass any other individual.

Negotiation, respect, and active consent are the foundation stones of the leather and BDSM communities. As leathermen we expect the wider community to be tolerant, understanding and respectful of our lifestyles. Unfortunately, we are not always good at extending these courtesies to others within our community. Discussion and debate are vital to the survival and development of our community. And from time-to-time, some of us will be surprised or concerned by opinions expressed by others. However, such disagreements must be conducted with civility and respect. “A real leatherman” knows this and does not use the online environment to denigrate and intimidate others.

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I write this knowing that the latest news reports are saying that 50 people have lost their lives and another 53 injured in America’s worst gun massacre. While it is being called an act of terror, which I do not dispute, In short it is a crime of hate. A crime against our community. A crime against our freedoms. It is an attempt to prevent us from being who we want to be and love who we want to love.

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I want to thank all those that have made comments both through this blog and social media on the recent topic of male chastity. One of Brisbane’s GLBTIQ and leather community supporters has included one of the chastity blogs on their business blog so go and check them out in store or online:

There is more to come on Male Chastity but here are the first two blog posts and you can also find it on the Spunk’D Blog and Dave94015. be sure to check out there blogs they are full of great articles and information.

I know it is customary to add sources and references at the end of a piece of writing, however I would encourage you guys to read the above links first before continuing onto reading the following article: Corporal Punishment / BDSM Lifestyle and Pup Play.

Corporal Punishment:

“Inflicting a graduating amount of pain, in order to maintain discipline or authority in a relation, or in a BDSM role playing scenario.”

–GayDemon

Meaning

A deliberate act of inflicting pain to a subject, for a perceived transgression of the rules. In sexual terms, it is used during various role playing activities associated with the BDSM community. However, it can take ‘milder forms’ in normal sexual situations, such as in the spanking of a buttocks.

All forms of punishment are basically corporal punishment, where the infraction may determine the amount of pain administered.

It is also a form of establishing one’s authority over another, such as in s/m culture, or BandD role playing.

History

As old as history, where society has ‘punished’ members of its society for rules infractions. It has ranged from caning (still practiced in some countries, such as Singapore)

Ancient Sparta was considered to have an extreme use of ‘corporal punishment’ which was used for toughening and strengthening. Rome would use ‘flogging’ as a form of public punishment. In addition it was limited to 40 lashes, actually 39 so as to insure not breaking the law.

Medieval Europe saw an increase in Corporal Punishment, especially in schools, due to the influence of the Church and it’s concept of the human body. This included the ‘religious’ practice of ‘self flagellation’ during one’s solitary prayers.

Some believed it was to help drive out the evil spirits, others thought it was to accept punishment for one’s mortal sins. It is rumored to still be a part of some obscure secular believers rituals.

It was also commonly used by the British Navy and Army in colonial times, for those who breached rules of conduct. Generally such punishments were supervised by medical personnel. They would stop such ‘flogging’ if the offender was incapable of receiving the full scope of punishment.

It has been used in some form or another, to enforce discipline in schools, and though mostly no longer allowed, some States in the USA still use ‘paddling’ as a form of punishment in its schools.

In some areas, corporal punishment was outlawed for girls, while still being allowed for males. In other regions, administration of corporal punishment is considered ‘abuse of a minor’ no matter the level of pain being inflicted.

In 1784, Poland was the first to ban spanking or corporal punishment in schools. The United States refused to sign the United Nations charter of the ‘Rights of Children’ (in 2004) because of the provision banning parents from ‘using excessive discipline’ though it didn’t specifically mention Corporal Punishment.

History (Legend): Noted German psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing claimed that there was a link between a child who experienced corporal punishment at home, later sadist and masochist behavior in their adult life., though Sigmund Freud disputed that correlation.

Practice

Can take various forms. It can be as mild as a few brief whacks across the bare buttocks of a partner, or can be more intensive, where a great deal of pain is inflicted.

It can include the use of various implements, like whips, paddles, hair brushes, and other firm objects. It can also cause damage if applied to more sensitive parts of the body. Usually such measures are applied to the more fleshy body parts, such as the buttocks.

The most used are the open ended palm of a hand, or a paddle.

Some BDSM role playing involved the ‘bottom’ deliberately creating a situation for the ‘top’ that various forms of ‘corporal punishment’ are administered. This can include whipping, paddling, and such.

During ‘impact play’ or other associated BDSM activities, corporal punishment takes on many forms. It can include any means of inflicting pain on a ‘submissive/bottom’. It is usually instigated by the ‘bottom/submissive’.

Being bound is not a requirement, though is generally accepted as being part of the whole ‘game’. Care has to be used, when using Corporal Punishment techniques, in order to avoid possible permanent injury to the ‘bottom’.

During any BDSM role playing, the USE OF A SAFEWORD will end the administration of the punishment.

In many instances various apparatuses are used, where the ‘bottom’ is forced to lay across or bent over, so that the ‘top’ can administer the punishment with an assorted variety of tools. The ‘bottom’ can be bound as well to these apparatuses, such as a ‘X’ type cross, trestle, bench, or other similar items.

Spanking or Paddling are more traditional during ‘age play’ scenes, and can be very painful. Flagellation is generally not involved in such scenes, but is left to the more ‘extreme’ role playing scenarios.

Most forms of Corporal Punishment are directed towards the buttocks, the back, the back of the upper legs, and the soles of the feet. Other body areas are far more riskier, in that very serious injury can be inflicted without being noticed.

There is also the ‘humiliation’ factor to be taken into account in this type of fetishism. While hitting the soles of one’s feet isn’t necessarily considered ‘humiliating’ it is extremely painful and the effects (pain) can last for lengthy periods of time.

The force of the blow can be a factor, but generally is administered in a less intense manner, but can be repeated over a lengthy time frame, increasing the sensitivity of the area being struck, thus increasing the pain being administered.

Noteworthy: In some countries, Corporal Punishment of Children is considered a form of abuse, though not some of the more ‘western’ countries (notably the United States, that defends the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit.). Most psychiatric experts note that such ‘punishment’ does not produce long term benefits, but actually the opposite effect. They claim it leads to more aggression from grown children who were subjected to regular corporal punishment.

Reference: Gay Demon – Source of above article: GAY-DEMON The above definitions, practice and history is not my work, the original article can be found at the link provided above.

If a submissive is to be disciplined, should they be caned, whipped, beaten? Is utilising some form of corporal punishment effective in modifying behavior or counterproductive?

It depends – of course – but my position is corporal punishment can be effective as long as the dominant is skilled, experienced, and mature. In regards to pup play I personally feel that for many submissive pups positive reinforcement is more likely to work then corporal punishment. The pup mentality generally wants to please their Handler or Alpha then disappoint. In saying that sometimes pups do need a firm hand. Once again I would say this would be open to the discussion between the parties involved.

Why would a submissive sound off on the topic? Because it’s been brought up repeatedly with in various internet circles, including Fetlife. I have seen many post on this topic with strong views that you should never strike a pup. Mostly, those arguing against the idea, use more emotion and second-hand anecdotes than informed reason and logic to make their points. Basically it comes down to common sense and what has been communicated in that particular arrangement.

When Sir strikes me for being bad, I know it is justified and deserved and I have protocoles in place including a punishment register that enables me to reflect on my behaviour, what I did wrong and how I was punished.

Below are well-reasoned arguments for a hostile audience who’ll probably never read a single word.

Qualifications are tedious but seem unavoidable given the subject.

Polthus explains that, “Punishment is an aspect of Lifestyle BDSM relationships that saliently sets them apart from conventional ones. Anyone who’s suffered through a lengthy drive in silence can attest to the fact that punishments exist in conventional relationships. However, behavior is coded in faux-egalitarianism and therefore erratic and often arbitrary. In contrast, those living in a lifestyle BDSM relationship usually have an explicit binary of power and specific rules which, if broken, lead to a submissive being punished. Yes, some lifestyle D/s relationships have looser strictures than others, and there are thousands of different dynamics, but some reduction is required to have a discussion.”

Back to the issue: to strike a submissive as a form of punishment or not.

Common arguments against corporal punishment tend to run as follows: a beating rewards a masochist; it doesn’t matter if the attention is negative because it’s still attention; a dominant might abuse their power and harm the submissive; mixing ‘fun’ activities with genuine punishment leads to confusion and resentment; or ‘funishments’ lead to bratty or SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) behavior.

I’ll address the ‘against arguments’ later, but for now here’s my working axiom for understanding why corporal punishment is effective:

An experienced dominant knows how to make the most pleasant activity an awful experience.

If you catch someone indulging in one cigar, how might you teach them a lesson? A common approach is to have them smoke five in a row. The same logic applies to eating cotton candy, riding a carousel, or damn near any other combination of verb and noun. In regards to corporal punishment, a logical disconnect seems to occur because the same tools/toys used for pleasure are being utilised to punish. Furthermore, tools such as the crop, or paddle have connotations that tend to evoke emotional responses as opposed to rational ones. Yet as I just demonstrated, pretty much ‘anything’ can be a source of discomfort.

A skilled dominant can make a punishment beating an experience that even an avowed masochist will avoid by using a combination of psychology, preparation, setting, and relentless repetition. Essentially, it’s the same cocktail used to launch a sub into space – except in reverse. The experience becomes one full of unpleasant and painful sensations that are as inescapable because the dominant makes them so.

Safe Words – Please see Polthus view on Safe Words [ safe words here.] Whilst I agree with the uses and setting up safe words, the link shows another view that always should be considered. As I have previously mentioned in other blog posts, I would assume that your play partner would be familiar with the practice of SSC, and would also practice RACK or PRICK or both.

This post IS NOT a ‘how to’ guide, I won’t provide an example of a punishment session. However, agree or disagree with my position, anyone who’s experienced in BDSM can understand the concept above. And for fucks sake – if you’re just getting your toes wet with kinky sex and lifestyle dynamics, please find an experienced mentor before you hurt yourself or someone else.

That said, here’s a brief response to the arguments against corporal punishment in lifestyle BDSM relationships:

“A masochist is being rewarded” – If we’re talking about someone ‘hard core,’ someone who derives sexual pleasure and catharsis from raw pain no matter who’s causing it and why, then yes, an extreme masochist would be rewarded. But we’re not talking about the fringe extremes here are we? And even if we were, the statement above leaves out a key component of psychology- the submissive desire to please their dominant.

Because if the person being punished is a submissive masochist, the event occurring means their dominant is so displeased with their behavior that they’ve set aside a portion of the day to address it means they fucked up badly. This knowledge can be part of what’s used to keep a submissive from deriving pleasure when being punished. Additionally, a dominant who knows what they’re doing has a pocketful of tactics to keep a sub from floating away on endorphins or escaping into their own mind.

Understanding the psychology of punishment and how it’s enacted, destroys the idea of ‘funishments’ and concerns over confusion. And, look, if you cannot differentiate between the ways ‘fun beatings’ and ‘punishment’ are very different beasts, then you probably shouldn’t be dispensing corporal punishment as serious aspect of your relationship.

I will add that displeasure or not pleasing your dominant, for both many submissive’s and pups is more than enough to realise they have fucked up, and should be used to ensure they understand the difference between a pleasurable beating and one that is meant for punishment.

As for dominants being abusive, that’s a completely separate issue. Why? Because they have the same tools and power to be abusive whenever they damn well please. And the tools themselves are just as much of a strawman as the nature of the relationship. Since when have abusive rageoholics required rules and rituals to oppress others? An abusive dominant that lacks self-control is dangerous to their submissive – full stop. The fact they have or have not incorporated beating someone as punishment is beside the point.

More often than mot, people tend to believe the knowledge they receive first without question. It’s human nature to do so. However, far be it from me to prescribe whether rational adults should or should not do something behind closed doors.

But if you want to know whether corporal punishment can be an effective means of correction, my answer is yes. Generally speaking the Dominants that I play with or train under are very experienced, they tend to know what makes me tick and I respect the Dominant that is training me. Those are three significant reasons I’m quite keen to avoid punishment.

Let’s be clear, knowing someone has the power to whip my ass until they decide I’ve had enough is arousing. However, I have ZERO desire to get a lesson beat into me. If you cannot grasp the seduction of giving up power and the appeal of the ‘unfairness’ in a D/s relationship, then either a D/s is not for your or you have just commenced your journey.

For those that are commencing their journeys will need to understand the seduction of giving up power and placing your trust into the hands of your dominant who will in-turn be a protector of that trust. And just as Polthus explains the appeal of the unfairness in a D/s relationship goes to the heart of the TPE.

Most of the above texted I have not edited and left as is, as I agree with it, I wish to thank Polthus who has expressed the desire for their writings to be shared. And I encourage you to read their post in it entirety.

What has this all got to do with pup play?

Just like every D/s dynamic where there is a perceived power exchange, power imbalance or however you wish to describe it, pup play can very well fall into this category. And whether your a pup, and Alpha or Handler, etc. in the pup community you need to be aware, and be able to communicate your desires, and needs.

It must be noted the pup is not the only one that has the needs and desires that are needing to be meant, whilst many appear to forget the Handlers in much of their writings. The Handlers or the Dominants of the dynamic are equally as important as the pup.

As the community grows and people bring in their own interpretations of pup play, and include other kinks such as corporal punishment, we need to be open about this without discouraging others ideas. I will be discussing such ideas and cross overs in my next blog post. The take home message is just because it something you do not believe in dose not make it wrong, pup play can take many forms and have many interpretations

Once again it is a lifestyle that you make and how you explore it, this is entirely up to you, just remember communicate, negotiate and stay safe. Unfortunately there are the existence of the Creepy Dom. Whilst 99% of the Dom’s I have can in contact with have been absolutely awesome, there are some that you stay away from, and that inculdes anyone willing to take away your rights before you are ready to give them up.