10 facts about Groundhogs Day that might not be facts

February 2nd marks the holiday of Groundhogs Day. In honor of this, the most holiest of days, I have compiled a list of interesting facts that may or may not be correct. Let’s call them factitious.

1…Legend has it that if Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his burrow and is frightened by his shadow, he shall retreat back into his hole and we will have another 6 weeks of winter. What legend apparently leaves out is how easy it is for thousands of screaming people to scare a fucking rat.

2…Punxsutawney Phil not only can predict the end of winter, he can also predict the end of winter.

3…Although called a “Groundhog” the animal is not considered a pork product, yet still tastes like bacon.

4…While considered a docile species, the groundhog, if provoked, won’t hesitate to fuck your shit up but good.

5…Groundhog Day comes from the German tradition that the Jews are responsible for all the ills in the world and must be eradicated for the good of the master race…. Whoops, wrong German tradition.Apologies, all around.

6…The holiday would be better if, instead of a rodent, they kept one of those hot tv weather ladies in a cage and had her come out and shake her shit around to predict the future.

7…TV as in television, not transvestite.

8…Not that there’s not hot transvestites out there.

9…I’ve said too much.

10…Doppler radar is so much more effective. It also carries far fewer communicable diseases.