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Messages By: trigreen

Experience Similar to Janet's

I too have been verbally abused due to my political views, although stranger yet is was my people in my former party. I used to be a Democrat and I used to frequent the site daily kos often. But no more. Because someone disagreed with me and my friend around a political issue we were repeatedly called blog whores and a long list of other anti-female names on the thread (which if I repeated here might get me banned). The other Democrats seemed to cheer on the anti-female verbal abuse of us. One person even compared all women, including myself to Ann Coulter.

The Democrats claim to be the pro-female party, but they are simply a good old boys club which has as many anti-female verbal abusers as the Republicans. I don't know how anyone with any common sense would expect to get votes by verbally abusing people. No one is going to verbally abuse me into agreeing with them. This is why I am now a full-time Green Party Member and have started a blog called Progressives Against Democrats. I have since been hanging out at Green Party blogs and have never been verbally abused or treated badly there because I was female unlike at the Democratic blogs where anti-female comments are the norm.

Who knows one of the anti-female culprits might have even been Mark. He did say he spent to much time on the computer.

Isolating you, using the kids against you

I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!

The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.

If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????

Your husband is abusing you and your kids. He is isolating you from your family, threatening to take one of your kids away from you if you see other people who love and care about you! He is verbally abusing your son. These are only the early stages of abuse and are warning signs for what may come. Even if it doesn't get worse verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse and will change your son forever.

Don't know if it will help in your situation

I think if you have the resources, go. it doesn't get any better no matter how hard you try to please a person that loves control. You can change everything to please them and there will always be something else. Nothing is ever good enough for people like this. speaking from experience? Absolutely! Some of these guys know you don't have a way out and they can treat you any way you want. In my case I'm 51 and have a lot of physical problems and he knows it. and he knows I have no where to go or even get started again. He controls the money and I never see his pay checks. Keeps track of how much I have left when I go to the store, He knows where I'm going to be and wants an idea of when I'll be back. And they sit back and look you straight in the eye sometimes and say, "Im not doing nothing."

I moved into his part of the country when we got married and I don't know the people here even though I've lived here for about four years. I have made a few friends before and he would tell me I don't need to be fooling with them. So I've pretty much become a hermit. This is not living, its existing.I hope and pray the ones that can get out - do!

I've given in the fact that I'm just here til I die and theres nothing I can do about it. God only knows how many times I've prayed to just let me be done and die. I would gladly give my life for someone who deserves to live more then me.

If any one out there is able to start over and have the way to do it, please go before its too late. Believe me if I had a way I would but its too late for me.

Don't make my mistake please.

Don't know if it will help in your situation, but i have interned at a domestic violence shelter and they accepted women regardless of their ability to pay for their shelter, although they did ask them to pay a small amount if possible, even if they paid it back a year later. I think this is typical of domestic violence shelters. It is far from a perfect system, but it is an option.

My opinion/advice

Im in a situation I feel I cant get out of.I want to divorce for many reasons,but the biggest problem is that I dont want to solve ur problems,Im feed up,but Im afraid to leave because of threats..so must I stay in this situation for ever?Its so hard to stay just for the children,Im still young and want love and happiness in my life.Am I only selfish?Or is it worth staying,even if Im unhappy?for the best of the children,can someone answer me,who been through this.I d bee thankful

Get in touch with a local domestive violence agency. I believe if you call 1-800-799-Safe (?-anyone know if this is correct) they can refer you to a local agency. There you should be able to meet with a counselor who can help you to prepare a plan to get you out safely and help you find a safe place to stay and help you with any other issues you are facing.

Also, document any incidents of abuse (date, time, what happened, photos) in case you have to go to court for a custody hearing.

Random Pre-show Thoughts

One of the problems with heroin (and all opiates including rx opiates) is that they have really bad withdrawal symptoms. A lot of people continue to use them just to prevent going through withdrawals from them.

I think people who abuse substances are already suffering. I think they should be given treatment, and not jail. This isn't to say that I endorse the use of substances (I don't) but that by sending some to jail for substances you are doing more harm than good.

I wouldn't consider it deal breaker

I am 26 years old and I've only had one girlfriend in my life. We were together from when I was 20 to 24. She is the only person I've had sex with, and we did not have much sex. She was anorexic and so self-concious about her body that she hated being naked in front of me. I have a problem with premature ejaculation. It is so bad that I will be finished literally within seconds of penetration. It is so embarassing I can't even put it into words how bad it feels.

Now I am basically afraid to date women because I am terrified of being embarassed like that. I know I am a great guy, smart, good-looking, funny, and athletic. In my mind I know this is true. But my problem with intimacy makes it so I can barely even talk to women. And when I do find a girl I like, or a girl that likes me, I just totally stop talking to her once we get to know each other. I am so terrified of the embarassment that I'd rather just avoid her altogether than have to A) explain that I am really bad at sex, or B) embarrass myself. My worst nightmare is to ejaculate early and have the woman laught at me. I really don't know if I could handle that.

I would like to hear from women what you would think if you dated someone who ejaculates prematurely. How do you feel about that guy afterwards? Do you think of him as less of a man? Because that's how it feels. There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to show your woman how much you love her and then being finished in seconds. Is there any way a woman can be satisfied with a man like that?

If I ever have another girlfriend should I tell her before we have sex or just let her find out? Is this something I have to tell her very early on in a relationship, or can it wait until we're ready for sex? Is premature ejaculation a "dealbreaker" for women?

If some really cares about you I have a hard time seeing this as a deal breaker. In fact, for me it would not even really be a considerition in deciding whether or not to have a serious relationship with a guy.

One thing you wanted to know is : Do you think of him as less of a man? Definetly not for this. There are other things that would make me see a guy as less of a man though. If a guy drives an SUV or truck I see them as less of a man ( I don't date any guys who drive SUVs or Trucks). If I guy is running around doing the macho act I see them as less of a man. If I see a guy being abusive including to a waitor/waitress etc. I see them as less of a man.

Very Sorry to hear about your loss.

I really feel for Brandon - especially his Mom. I also spent countless nights at home worrying about my son. Every late night phone call makes your heart stop. Then came the call I never wanted. My son was in a coma from a Xanax overdose. He later died. That was almost two years ago. He was only 19.

I knew the last couple of months before he died that he was in real trouble. He actually came home one afternoon the summer he died & saw me watching the Dr. Phil episode with Brandon. I was crying. He said "Mom, I'm not like him, I'm OK". Three weeks before he overdosed, he started seeing a drug couselor. We couldn't afford rehab & at 19 he was no longer on our insurance. We were too late.

BRANDON......DON'T PUT YOUR MOTHER THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING & BE THANKFUL YOU ARE STILL HERE & CAN GET HELP!!

It will be a long hard battle but you still have hope.

Good Luck & God Bless

I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

It is very sad that programs are not available at reasonable costs or for free for people who could or could have benefited from them such as your son. You hear politicians in both major parties talking about how they want to stop people from using drugs, but when it comes to programs and funding programs, especially for those who can't afford the programs they do nothing. Everyone who wants it should have access to rehab regardless of their ability to pay.

Good For You!

I used to take responsiblity for every aspect of our lives together. LItterally, all he had to do was get up and go to work... I took care of it all. I even joined a group to figure out how to manage my time better...I had a schedule around my husbands naps... I kid you not.. and he worked during the day... I got a job at night.. I worked at night, took care of our son during the day..and my son's father could not be bothered to get our son ready for school. I did it all from meals to car maintenance, I paid all the bills...wow.

I'll tell you what, the best thing I ever did was leave that Joke.. Truly. within a few months of my escape, he actually called me to tell him where the DMV was in his town... and I lived 125 miles away. I have to deal with him because of our son, but compared to the way my life USED to be.. just like yours... I wouldn't go back if you promised me the Lottery... No way.

Someone posted that you need to make him get himself out of bed, and make his own lunch... I am 100% behind that idea. You dont have 3 kids, you have 4... one of them is your husband.

Put some money away... I got really good at hiding it in books, and pockets of clothing... they spend it like water...and just know-- it only gets worse. By the time I was ready to leave, my ex was attacking our child, and could not even be bothered to feed him or put him to bed. I came home from patrol to find our then 3 year old son up at 4 am, (I was on a break, and I would go check on my kid ) to find him fully dressed eating hot dogs and watching cartoons. It was a mess.

Make a plan, get out...Save yourself and your children.

I am now in a new marriage, with 2 great kids,(we had a daughter) and my ex got himself a girlfriend who is a mental case. More power to him. I have 80/20 custody of my son-- and Im in school for a new career. Why, I have even been to the Grand Canyon... my life is full and happy now. It's much better on the other side of that fence... Let me tell you. They just get more hateful, and god forbid they figure out your plans to leave him. No one wins. Save your kids.

That is awesome what you did and it takes a lot of courage, I can tell you from my own experiences which were pretty different but yet similar. I now embrace the value of feminism and being a feminist. As woman we should take a stand for ourselves and our children. I wanted to pursue this value further, but was unable to find it in either mainstream society or politics. Where I did find it was in the Green Party as one of their core values and have embraced this value along with other values and created a better life for myself. Your absoluetly correct-save yourself and save your children.

Don't have a kid w/this guy

If I had to do it all over would do it completely different. For staters, I now feel that I got married because I was in love with being in love, rather than being in love with my guy. I did not even know this man, yet, somehow I knew he was the one? Mostly, at the time I was overweight with self-esteem issues and figured that if I did not take this opportunity now then no one else would ever want to marry me. I decided to lose the weight while he was overseas. Now he says that is one of the reasons he married me. Now three years laters I have regained 10 pounds and have to hear about how I don't exercise and eat too much junk food and he says he just says it because he cares. I do not think that I am fat, chubby ok, but not obese. Now I am 26 and need time to live my own life. With this man I feel that I am fat and lazy, and do not live up to my potential. I am perfectly happy with my life, I love my job, working on my master's, and exercise regularly. We have no children. I just feel that I never took time to be alone, (I realize this is my fault and not his) I stayed with my high school sweetheart from the age of 14 until I was 20. Then I met my husband when I was 21, after spending a month together (though we knew each other through letters for almost a year, since he was away overseas in the military) we got married. I was ready to be married and be a wife. He would leave with his friends (I know he needs to have his space) but he would come back the next day, still drunk, and calling me names. I begged him to change for a year. I never went out with friends (my mistake). Now I have started going out, and he has started going out less and coming home earlier. However, I want to have fun now. Now he says he is ready to have a baby. I wanted a baby before, but I am not ready. I do not want a child yet, I need to make sure our relationshp is strong enough, but lately I am not even sure if I love him anymore. He has threatened to leave if I do not become pregnant. I want to have a baby because I want too, not because I am feeling forced to do so! I know he loves me and I ve told him what I need but nothing ever changes. And now that it seems to be getting better its like I don't even care anymore. How do you tell your husband that you are not sure if you love him anymore? If I get divorced then, where do I go from there? What if I never find anyone? Why should I stay? I am confused and don't know if I even want to keep trying.

I repeat whatever you do don't bring a baby into this. If you need to get on birth control behind his back.

To answer your questions you focus on getting yourself to a safe place and then you worry about what you are going to tell him. Your 26 so you still have a pretty good chance of finding someone, especially if you make an effort. But even if you don't do you want to be sick with this guy for the rest of your life-at least if your single your not going through all this. The quicker you get out the more time you have to meet someone else. You have a job and are working on a Master's-you can take care of yourself, you just need to believe that you can take care of yourself.

I hate homophoebic people

Wow-you did a beautiful Christian job here. You chose your words so carefully. You are saying what I have tried to say...but in words all people can hear.

Homophoebic people need to get a life. They are no better than racists or sexists.

If you want to know what the bible really condones it is interest and usury. You know, getting charged ridiculous amounts of interest that you aren't even told about at the time of boring money and that is hidden in small print. If people took up a fight against this it would actually be to their benefit. Instead all these people are off wasting their time being mean to people that are born (yes born!) different from them.