Monday, December 13, 2010

Movies in a Minute: Sex and the City 2

Carrie: "And there are gonna be swans, show tunes, Liza Minnelli officiating, and everything else we could find in Fred Phelps' big book of nightmares."

Anthony: "Stanford. When we first met, it was hate at first sight. But since then, Michael Patrick King refused to write any more gay male characters, so it was you or that walk on extra from the Bitchy Bingo episode."

Charlotte: "Aw. Gay people can be so sweet!"

Liza Minnelli: "All the single ladies! All the single ladies!"

Sadako: "Between this and what happened to Brook Astor, someone needs to create an Association for the Exploitation of Rich Old Lady Icons."

Mr. Big: "Carrie, I bought you a big screen TV for our anniversary. I was thinking we could stay in and watch a timeless black and white movie. I picked up some food from the new Japanese place on Madison."

Carrie: "How could you?! Get thee behind me, take out containers! I'm going to my old apartment to write."

Mr. Big: "That was nice. Why don't we take two days off every week since it worked out so well last time."

Carrie: "I'm the only one allowed to have diva like demands! How could you even ask me that?!"

Mr. Big: "I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time being boorish enough to create enough conflict for a feature length film, but not so obnoxious the audience won't cheer when we sail off into marital bliss at the end."

Charlotte: "I hate my life! The baby I've wanted for years cries. The cute adopted Asian kid who represents how open minded and progressive I am doesn't understand how not to get cupcake icing on my outfit..."

Charlotte: "...And my Irish nanny doesn't have the good grace to be dumpy and middle aged."

Miranda: "Well, I've got to try to balance my hectic work life and my family obligations. Again."

Samantha: "An Arabian sheik has invited us on an all expenses paid trip to Abu Dhabi! The SATC girls are going to the UAE!"

Michael Patrick King: "Insert the Emirates Airline promotional information. And someone make a sheik/chic pun before the plane lands!"

Butler Guarau: "Hello, miss. I'll be your butler and the reminder to the audience that you still know how to connect with the little people."

Samantha: "Screw that. Men are just threatened every time we show we have a voice. Just like the women here in their burqas."

Miranda: "Or my asshole boss who never let me finish a sentence."

Carrie: "Guarau, marriage is so hard, isn't it?"

Guarau: "I only see my wife once every three months when I scrape up enough of my wages to go back to India."

Carrie: "It must be so meaningful when you do see each other! I guess my marriage is in good shape! Okay, now do you have a mystical, Eastern flavored way of making Big's unwillingness to spoon in bed seem justified?"

Charlotte: "It's really hard being a mom."

Miranda: "Definitely. There's a lot we have to sacrifice. Work. Luncheons with the girls. Vacation with the girls limited to only once every two years."

Charlotte: "How do the women without help do it?!"

Miranda: "To the women who do it without help! Assuming they didn't give themselves an injury eye rolling when you had a panic attack after your daughter smeared icing on your Valentino skirt."

Aiden: "Carrie, you look amazing." *smooch*

Carrie: "No...this is a mistake."

Adrian Monk: "Wait, are you sure you can't sleep with him? The way you slept with Mr. Big when you dated Aiden? It'll make it even. Trust me. You'll thank me later."

Rikard Spurt: "I love the Middle East. Whenever I come here, everything's so covered up and there are so many sexual taboos, that it's so much more erotic."

Sadako: "For a fraction of the price, you could go to an FLDS compound in Utah."

Miranda: "For god's sake, how many times do we have to sing I Am Woman before you men understand?"

Samantha: "Great, our free hotel service just ended. Ugh! New Middle East my ass! I'm beginning to see just why Garfield threatening to send Nermal here was such a big deal. We're out of here."

Carrie: "I lost my passport! We've got to go to the market and get to the airport in time so we can still fly first class!"

Strange Middle Eastern Man: "Would you like to step into my seedy backroom to buy a Rolex?"

Charlotte: "Okay!"

Samantha: "I HAVE SEX!"

Carrie: "We're in trouble, and I don't see any street urchins voiced by Scott Weinger with anthropomorphic monkeys to save us."

Middle Eastern Woman #1: "In here! We're going to help you!"

Middle Eastern Woman #2: "Also, look! Underneath our hijabs and burqas, we Arab women are just as subject to the male gaze as you New Yorkers!"

Middle Eastern Woman #1: "Now put on these burqas and you can escape!"

Carrie: "But how to get a cab to the airport? I know! I'll make like Claudette Colbert did in It Happened One Night and lift the hem of my burqa to flash some leg!"

Jasmine: "Come on. Really? I was pretty naive shopping for apples my first time alone in the marketplace at Agrabah and even I handled myself better than you guys."

Carrie: "Back in New York, Mr. Big didn't even pick me up at the airport after I told him I kissed my ex boyfriend."

Mr. Big: "Hi."

Carrie: "Where were you?!"

Mr. Big: "As a punishment for what you did, I'm not getting you any jewelry that evokes Breakfast at Tiffany's or old New York. Instead, you get a plain black diamond."

Carrie: "Black? Because it's the color of my soul?"

Mr. Big: "No, because De Beers accidentally ordered a few hundred black diamonds in stock that they really need to make move this summer."

Carrie: "As for the rest of the gang, Miranda got a new, empowering job, Samantha continues her lonely role as the sole SATC girl who exemplifies living life as a gay man in the body of a woman, and Charlotte found out that her hot nanny, apparently out on loan from the set of Friends, prefers other hot nannies."