Victory Thru Non-Violence

Oh, I got you this time
Agent White!
And Boy oh boy
Are you gonna feel
Like a dipshit after this one!
There’s no way
This plan could fail!
It’s fool-proof
Has to be!
I read it in a book

I have all I need
Up here with me
In this tree
Outside your embassy

When you leave your embassy
And pass by me in the tree
I’ll drop the quarter
And it’s a good thing
It’s sunny today
The quarter is shiny
It’ll catch your eye
And when you stop to pick it up
I’ll drill a hole through your hat
With my cordless drill

Then I’ll drop the acorn
A small, green diversion
You’ll stop, of course, to see
If another quarter has fallen
From the sky
Ha! That’s when I’ll pour
The catsup
The cheap runny kind
Too much tomato juice
Not enough tomato paste
Not much good for anything
Except to look like blood

I’ll pour the catsup
Down from the hole
To the brim of your hat

By then, you’ll be walking again
I’ll strike a match and light
The firecracker
It’ll explode and go CRACK!!!
To me it won’t sound
Much like gunfire
But to you,
You with your secret plans on hand,
You’ll be paranoid
And sure of it

And that’s when you’ll come
Upon the mirror I’ve hung
From the end of this branch

And see the “blood”
Leaking from your hat
And dripping down your
Pale, pointy nose
And you
You’ll be too concerned
With your supposed
Wound to wonder
Why there’ s a mirror
Hanging from the branch
And you’ll sure I shot you!
And had perfect aim
Which won’t be entirely incorrect

You’ll think you’ve died!
Died!
And knowing you
Agent White
Actor Extraordinaire
You’ll put on a big death scene
Worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy
Complete with your last words
Last breath
Death rattle
And all that happy crappy

Then as you lay on the grass
In the shade under the tree
Thinking you’re dead
I’ll steal away with your
TOP SECRET plans
Ha ha ha!!!

Oh… but I know better
This is only gonna work once
Just like all the traps
Only work once
You and I
We’re both too smart
To fall for anything
This damn stupid
More than once

But dammit!
You’ll have to admit
It was a pretty good plan
When you realize you’re not dead
Yet, of course