Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Stirrup Queens Stirs Up My Noodle...

Hello All,

Mel's post "Infertility is to Dating as Analogies are to Whatever Works in this Space" has prompted me to discuss some things.

I have only attended a couple of RESOLVE meetings and I have always felt kind of self conscious when I go because I have for a while now resolved my issues with infertility without resolving my childlessness. So I find myself sometimes wondering why am I here? Sometimes I feel that I lack the appropriate emotional response for someone in my situation because I don't fall apart over my infertility anymore. I am not saying that I never have, I just resolved the infertility when I made the appointment to see the RE. So by the time I walked in to the RE office I had already let the emotion of loss leave me. For me I could not have resolved infertility after seeing an RE because much of me was in a state of denial and visiting the RE would be admitting defeat right? Well at least that is how I saw it. So by the time I started my cycles I was kind of over the feelings of loss.

While I feel out of place sometimes when I am around my fellow "Unfertile Myrtles", I also feel a strong sense of belonging. I know that just because I resolved my issues with infertility does not mean that I have resolved my issues of feeling alone. However much my Hubby helps me to feel less alone along the way, there are still times when I need to know that he and I are not the only couple out there on this journey. Besides there is something to be said about sitting down with other women discussing our calendars so we can map around our cycles much like other women sit around and discuss their calendars to map around play dates. RESOLVE has given me a sense of belonging that I did not have before I attended the meetings and for that I keep going. Ah so great to not feel so alone on this journey!

I have had people ask me how I manage to be so at peace with the process of IVF and how I manage to hold it together while dealing with all the medical crap. All I can say is I don't know I just do. I know part of it comes from the coping skills that I had learned when I was dealing with cancer. A bigger part of it is, it is just who I am!

I have always been the type of person that can face uncertainty and not get scared. I think for many people the uncertainty of their situations is what keeps them in state of morning their infertility. For me uncertainty has always been a constant in my life so instead of holding back I push forward and hope that there is something there to catch me, but if not, I am very prepared for the abrupt stop at the end.

I also think for a lot of people they feel that accepting their infertility would be to accept defeat. I however have looked at all the options and I realize that motherhood just may not be in my cards, and I am okay with that. I can see a life in both directions with kids and without. While I want the one with kids, I understand that what I want, may not be what I get. Just because I can see and am okay with all the options, does not mean that I am going to stop trying to make a future WITH KIDS. I will try every door till I have tired them all thrice and if I find that I have tried every door and none hold the future that I want, then and only then, will I concede defeat. When I concede defeat and raise my white flag, I will do so with the knowledge that I tried everything in my power, on this journey of uncertainty, to change the outcome. If I fail it will not be because I did not try and for me knowing that if I ever face the end of this journey childless, I will accept it and I will be proud because I tried my hardest. For now the journey has just begun and I have not reached that end yet and even if this life does not end the way that I want it to, well, there is always the next lifetime.

Donor Update My donor gets in today! YAY! I am excited yes because this marks the beginning of a new path along the journey but above all, I have missed my friend. My poor friend has faced a lot this past year from self-realization and guilt to a new marriage that ended quickly in divorce that only lead to more guilt and more self-realization. However, I see him growing happier by the day and that gives me great peace. I am grateful that despite all that he has faced that he is still adamant in helping us with what he can on our journey to building a family. Even if this does not work, I will forever be grateful for the day that I was graced with the pleasure of meeting such a selfless, caring and loving individual and I will always be thankful that we are friends and I am thankful that along the way we have became family through all of this.