Top Ten Turkeys of 2012

2012 has seen more than its fair share of crap cinematic releases, and the following is a list of the inexplicably popular awful films that, for some reason we all went to see, as well as the ones you took our advice on and avoided like the plague.

10. Taken 2
A prime example of a terrible movie being inexplicably popular - to date its made $353 million worldwide, over $100 million more than the original - but Taken 2 is, by all accounts, a terrible movie. A total rehash of the original plot, with Neeson on auto-pilot, the violent fun dialled back to be tolerable for 12 year olds, and nearly everything that made the first Taken has been, well, taken away.

9. Battleship
One of the most expensive movies of the year, adapted from a board-game, featuring the "acting" debut of Rihanna... a recipe for disaster? Absolutely. Barely making a dent in the US box office and accused of making Michael Bay’s movies seem like masterpieces in comparison, Battleship never really stood a chance.

8. This Means War
Remember this movie? To be fair, you probably forgot it existed about five seconds after it finished. Featuring two of Hollywood's hottest hunks - Tom Hardy and Chris Pine - using their CIA skills to fight over Reece Witherspoon, this was an action rom-com that wasn't exciting or funny and, to be honest, was actually kinda creepy if you think about it.

7. W.E.
Yes, it won a Golden Globe (for Best Original Song) and yes, it was nominated for an Oscar (Best Costume Design), but no, it was not any good. Madonna's movie was surprisingly competently directed, but the story she decided to tell was so painfully dull that its two hour running time felt at least twice that.

6. Silent Hill: Revelation
The first of two video game adaptations on this list, Silent Hill: Revelation had none of the creepiness of the original Silent Hill movie. Instead there was bad acting, a confusing plot and a slashed budget that really exposes the movie’s cheapness. Plus, it commits the cardinal sin of horror movies; it's just not scary.

5. The WatchBen Stiller. Vince Vaughn. Jonah Hill. Hot new British talent Richard Ayoade. From the director of all of those awesome The Lonely Island music videos. How could this be anything other than fantastic? Well, we’re not sure. But despite given a free reign to be as profane and violent as it’d like, The Watch still manages to be almost entirely unfunny, allowing reviewers like us to use lines like this: "Don't Watch The Watch!"

4. Resident Evil: Retribution
Saying Retribution, the fifth in this zombie video game adaptation franchise, is the worst Resident Evil movie so far is moot since they're all pretty terrible. Milla Jovovich is still oddly watchable as the heroine fighting what appear to be six billion undead-heads, but once again the plot she's been dropped into is rather like a drug-induced nightmare. Plus, there's another sequel on the way. Ugh.

3. Three StoogesJim Carrey, Sean Penn and Benicio Del Toro were originally set to star as the titular Stooges, but this movie ended up featuring three actors you’ve never even heard of. From the directors who used to be great (Dumb and Dumber, There's Something About Mary, Kingpin) but seem to have lost their way (Shallow Hal, Stuck On You, The Heartbreak Kid). It features an extended cameo by the cast of Jersey Shore; What else do you need to know? Avoid.

2. Jack and Jill
There is nothing left to say about Jack and Jill, not to mention Adam Sandler, that hasn’t already been said. Now that Sandler is in the Norbit stage of his career - Playing a woman in a fat suit? How hilariously original! - the only reason this movie isn’t The Worst Movie of 2012 is because at this point, it’s exactly the level of quality to expect from an Adam Sandler movie.

1. The Darkest Hour
Don't worry if you haven't seen or heard of this movie; it was released way back in January and didn’t hang around in cinemas very long. But its awfulness has hung over the year like a bad smell and even now, after all these months and all of these terrible movies, it has still managed to be remembered as The Worst Movie Of 2012. Invisible aliens invade the world and it's up to a group of attractive Americans in their early 20s, holidaying in Moscow, to save the day.. for some reason. It is almost so-bad-it's-good, but that would be too much like a compliment.

Honourable mentions:Nativity 2, A Dangerous Method, The Devil Inside, What To Expect When You're Expecting, Intruders, The Sweeney, Project X, J. Edgar, Men In Black 3.

My list is as follows. Films like Jack And Jill and Three Stooges aren't included, since I wisely decided to skip them.
1. Holy Motors
2. The Devil Inside
3. Charlie Casanova
4. Casa De Mi Padre
5. Stitches
6. Gone (2012)
7. Taken 2
8. Total Recall (2012)
9. Cosmopolis
10. House At The End Of The Street

Two films which received great reviews all over the place but which I didn't like at all: Once upon a time in Anatolia (this film should be marketed as a cure for insomnia) and Berberian Sound Studio (to me, this was a huge disappointment). The Spider Man 'reboot' was pointless and the Total Recall remake was terrible - Colin Farrell was awful. Lawless was another disappointment as was Le Havre.

Posted 10:46 | Fri 28th Dec 2012

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