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the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

That Woman: Part Two

So, let’s spend some more time with that
woman. Since I am feeling a bit less guarded in her presence I am ready to
understand her a bit more. Truth bringing peace, as it often does.

I hope that as you continue to read
about her you may catch a greater vision of womanhood. I am working on it. I cannot find it anywhere in our culture of
extremes and sex and commercialism and perfection and…well, you get the
picture. Some of us need a more realistic vision, you know, a counter-culture
to the “women can/should do everything” (be mother, be sexy, be intelligent,
run a company, bake amazing cakes, have a perfect home, garden, quilt, etc.)
mantra that has left many a woman exhausted and unfulfilled. And some of us need a freeing vision, a
counter to the pseudo-Christian 1950’s traditional Americana view that confines
women to a short list of roles. If we spend much time in the Kingdom of God we often
find that God’s truth brings this radical freedom where the conventional,
cultural wisdom fails us. That failing wisdom gives us extremes and places us
in camps so we can polarize and judge one another. “I stay home with my kids”
(read: you don’t love your children if you don’t). “I am working on advanced
degrees” (read: you are selling yourself short by staying at home and I am
better than you). “I grow my own vegetables and can them for winter” (read: you
don’t? You probably eat fast food, too, no wonder your butt looks like that…). Not everyone who says these things means
these things, of course. But with all the mixed messages of womanhood in our
culture that lacks biblical wisdom, sometimes speaker means it and sometimes it
is just the hearer who hears it. Pride on one end or shame on another. Whatever
happens in these conversations, at times, it polarizes. And sometimes they are not spoken; sometimes
they are airbrushed and slapped on the cover of a magazine for greater cultural
dissemination. It’s laughable, really.

I truly thank God for women in Scripture
that so often break the mold of cultural, or counter-cultural, womanhood. Whether we are open to listening or not,
these women are speaking and have been for millennia. So let’s engage that one woman
again. That proverbs 31 woman.

After my initial encounter with her, I
jumped into a biblical commentary to get a further take from some who have
studied her (and other parts of Scripture) in the original languages. Though I like to name my children with names
of Hebrew origin and with beautiful meanings, I actually know nothing of the
original language. I made a bullet list of some notable observations:

This proverb is actually a women’s description of a woman’s
role, not a man’s description. Verse one says specifically “The words of King
Lemuel. An oracle that his mother taught
him:” (emphasis mine).

The Hebrew word “hayil” is more properly rendered capable
rather than noble. And in fact rather than a “noble wife” it would be better to
read “capable woman.”

The order of her roles and character are not ordered in
importance or logic but rather poetically, the first letter of each verse (from
verses 10-31) using the chronological order of the Hebrew alphabet.

Women do teach as well, thus fulfilling God’s vision of
Genesis 1 and 2 as man and woman together represent the full image of God to
the world.

The main gist I gained from reading a
couple commentaries is that this woman is neither the laughable
must-d0-all-and-be-sexy-doing-it woman our culture forces upon us nor the
backlash, counter-cultural traditional woman with small vision and specified
roles. And, ugh, isn’t it so much more difficult when we cannot put things into
boxes? I mean then, how can I relate to women who choose to work more than I do,
or order food out more than I do, or make quilts, or open businesses, or use
disposable diapers. Ah, if we don’t have categories how then can we relate? I
need to put you in my box to decide if you are better, worse, smarter,
thriftier, healthier, more environmentally conscious, make more money, etc.,
etc., than I do. When I can position you I can then bolster my ego figuring
where I am better, and thus feel pride or where I am less, and thus feel
guilt. Exhausting, yeah? Of course, I
say this in jest. Like-minded groups are great and offer support, but become detrimental
to our soul and our societies when we use them like this. There are so many women I know who “don’t like
other women” or “don’t enjoy women’s groups” or despise “women’s ministry”…and
I understand. But there must be another way, and, in my opinion, begins with a
better vision of womanhood.

I see around me, and even in my church
have spoken with women, who struggle with a healthy vision of womanhood…I am
one of them! Most women go with either
the can-do-all and manage all things at once in order to prove the traditional
role obsolete, if only to themselves, or the “holier” road of home-is-all-that-matters
and I will focus only here. Yes, yes,
there are those women that do either of these scenarios well and in line with
how God is speaking to them for their season of life. Most certainly, yes. But motivation
for the way we are living our lives should not be based solely on tradition or
cultural movements, but on biblical principles. These principles generally
unnerve those in any camp because they are often baseline and do not offer
exacts in our daily life. I mean, what
do you do with a woman that “looks to the ways of her household” (v.26) and
sells real estate (v.16)? A woman that plants a vineyard (v.16), feeds the
needy (v. 20), and sells products (v.24)?
I just cannot categorize her, by golly.

And maybe that is the point.

No other woman that Scriptures
highlights does all of these things. Maybe because they are all actual women
and it is likely impossible to do all of them when you are an actual woman and
not a description. (Phew! Any other women out there breathing a sigh of
relief?). But what we do get is that a
woman can be any of these things to varying degrees and probably in different
seasons. We all have natural limitations, abilities, and needs both personal
and familial. We must discern our own life choices through Scripture and within
community that will speak to us honestly, challenging us to use all of
ourselves appropriately in each our stage of life, whatever that may be. And we
should be gracious to others in their decisions. It is not because all decision
are made well, or because everyone is doing what is right for them. I don’t
think that everyone I know is necessarily living just as God may have them.
Some are trying too hard, some are not fulfilling all the pieces of themselves
as called by God, some unwilling to look at themselves out of fear of what may
be seen. But I also do not know the
entire picture of everyone’s lives so I best make judgments lightly and keep my
most strict judgment for myself. Charity
of soul is rarely refused. What I see is that living into a role of a cultural
fad or a roll-back-the-clock, traditional, counter-cultural response may
neither be the answer. Listing to God through the lens of Scripture, prayer and
community…that is our calling.

My prayer is that we neither push beyond
ourselves nor cut ourselves short, ladies. But that we listen to all God has
for wherever we are. That we allow Him to be the great Iconoclast, as a
professor of mine once said. Every moving us into greater depths of maturity, love,
and life-giving service.

So, I leave this second installment with
an interesting quote from the New Bible Commentary that I read about that woman
we are thinking about.

“Lemuel’s mother (who, as the queen-mother
might exercise very significant political power) encourages the complete woman
to make the most of and to push the boundaries of what a woman’s role might
mean in a patriarchal society. Men generally need little encouragement to make
their mark and achieve; women can be tempted to settle for the demure role in
life, which has often been all that such society expects of them, and thus fail
to realize their God-given potential for making their own mark. There are, of
course, other aspects of Scripture’s vision of womanhood (such as those in the Song
of Songs), but this encouragement to womanhood to achieve is an important
aspect of that vision as a whole” – New Bible Commentary