I didn’t really like this episode, but let’s see if I can come up with something to say about it anyway.

Yummy!

One of the first things we learn in this episode is that Dr. Lyndgate is doped out of his mind most of the time. I looked it up and laudanum is a tincture of opium. So that’s fun.

Matching Pink Butterfly Net

So, to set the scene, we’re back in the past and Alice thinks that Cyrus is dead. She has been unceremoniously dumped back into Victorian England near her house.

A little girl runs up to Alice. Who is she?

SO MANY FEELINGS

It’s Alice’s half-sister, Millie!?

Time in Wonderland and Victorian England must work differently, because it turns out that several years have passed while she was in Wonderland, enough time for her father, Edwin, to start a whole new family.

Alice is much more concerned about losing the boyfriend she’s had for, like, 3 days, than the father she abandoned for a decade. The most important love is True Love™.

Grrrrrrrrr…

Alice’s new stepmother, Sarah, is evil and hates Alice, because of course she does. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland only subverts traditional female fairytale roles for its heroes, the villainous women have to all be clichés.

Wouldn’t it have been interesting if Alice’s new stepmother was the one that was sympathetic to Alice, the one defending Alice from a father that doesn’t understand her?

Somebody’s baking purple cookies!

Back to the present, Alice is wandering around the forest looking for Cyrus, because the producers paid a lot to rent out this section of the Vancouver forest and, buy gum, they’re going to get their money’s worth out of it.

So, Alice wanders around the Black Forest (Hey! It prefers to be called the “African-American Forest”) and she ends up in the Boro Grove, which is still pretty much the same forest, only it’s more purpley.

The first thing Alice does in the Boro Grove is inhale a strange, purple mist, because, you know, that’s what one should do when they come upon an unidentified gaseous substance. The mist make her all mimsy. Get it? It’s like “All mimsy were the borogoves”. It’s like that thing from that book by that guy!

Where’s the Walrus?

We meet the Carpenter from the poem The Carpenter and the Walrus. He doesn’t do anything really, except stand around and become a tree, because he inhaled the purple mist. His buddy, the Walrus, is nowhere to be found. They’re just name-dropping a character from Through the Looking-Glass to remind us that we’re still in Wonderland, because, really, without the occasional shout-out and fibreglass mushroom, this is just like any other generic fairytale world. I blame all the wandering about in the woods.

It’s a SHADE-OFF!

The Red Queen also wanders around the woods, because they needed to give her something to do this episode. She wants capture Cyrus for evil reasons. but, like, they’re reason’s that are slightly less evil than the reasons that Jafar want’s him for. We still don’t know what either of them are trying actually trying to accomplish and it’s hard to stay interested at extremely vague hints at potential evil doings.

The Red Queen is really mean to her Tweedle. What are the Tweedles, exactly? Is a Tweedle a type of critter, or is it a family name? When are we going to find out how they became David Bowie fans?

Anyway, she better start being nice to the Tweedles, or they’ll probably quit doing her hair up all pretty-like. Oh… And they’ll probably keep reporting her secrets to Jafar, which is what I assume the missing Tweedle is doing.

Awkward!

Back in the past, Alice is having a lot of trouble readjusting to Victorian England norms. Her evil stepmother wants to marry Alice off as soon as possible, because finding a good husband is the best a woman can hope for in Victorian England. Doesn’t Stepmom know that in Wonderland a girl can aspire to be a princess or an evil witch? It’s way more progressive in Wonderland.

And it’s not like Alice offers up any viable alternatives to her stepmother’s plan. Moping over your dead boyfriend and trying to convince people that Wonderland is real isn’t going to put food on the table, Alice.

Alice says that they should believe her about Wonderland, because love means never having to provide proof, or something. You know, my Uncle Vito told us to believe that he had stopped drink because we loved him, and then he drove his Honda Accord into a lake. Sometimes, love means throwing Uncle Vito into rehab. And so, Alice gets carted off to Bethlem Asylum for saying crazy-sounding things.

This is not good.

You know that purple mist from earlier? It turns you into a tree for some reason. Don’t worry, the Knave shows up to save her.

Why doesn’t the Knave start turning into a tree as well, you ask? Well, as it turns out, when Alice got the Knave’s heart back for him, he never bother putting it back in.

But the Knave doesn’t act heartless at all! Actually, I’d say that he seems to have the biggest heart of anyone on this show. He agreed to help the White Rabbit save Alice, even though there was nothing in it for him. He’s always trying to find nonviolent solutions to things, while Alice is going around stabbing everything. He apologized for breaking Silvermist’s heart. These aren’t the actions of a heartless man.

Greeting, my jolly-good chum!

Oh. Did I mention that Jafar is in Victorian England? Well he is and he stole some guy’s clothing and left him dead and naked in a field. Sure, Jafar could have probably just have magiced himself some new clothes, but the other way was more fun.

Jafar is probably going to do nasty things to Alice’s dad.

Again with the falling?

And then Cyrus fell off a cliff again, because it’s his favourite pastime.

Some other stuff:

According to the creators of the show, there is an entire Victorian England realm, so this show doesn’t actually involve any time travel. I’m still waiting for them to go to the Star Wars realm.

Seriously, what the Heck happened to Elizabeth Lizard? Did she die? Why does no one seem to care?

In his episode, we learn about Jafar and how his daddy issues turned him evil.

Don’t worry, he’ll be evil soon.

You see, Jafar is the bastard child of the Sultan of Agrabah, who rejects him and forces him to live like and orphan on the streets of Agrabah. He should feel lucky that the Sultan merely cast him out, instead of having him killed. Royal types tend not to like leaving loose heirs lying around.

She’s pretty, but she’s evil.

One day, Jafar sees a chance to get revenge against the Sultan. He’ll get an evil sorceress, Amara, to teach him magic that he will use against the Sultan.

Too bad there’s no fairy tale land version of Maury to sort out this whole paternity mess.

Icky.

Amara’s training of Jafar goes a bit like Rumpelstiltskin’s training of Regina. Eventually Jafar must commit and evil deed, not giving an antidote to a poisoned man, to prove he’s willing to go all the way in this evil magic business. It’s pretty much exactly like how Regina had to tear out and crush a heart to prove herself to Rumpelstiltskin.

Once he’s proven himself, Amara reveals her final magical secret to Jafar: if they obtain the world’s three genies, then they can change the very laws of magic.

Capturing three genies, killing countless people and changing the laws of magic seems like overkill just to show your father how angry you are at him., but, whatever, Jafar is really, really angry at the guy. Just zapping the Sultan in the ace with a lightning bolt of something apparently wouldn’t be enough to get the point across.

Ooooor… Does Jafar really want to change the laws of magic, so that he can change the past and have a good childhood with a loving father?

I found the romantic relationship between Amara and Jafar to be a bit icky, because she had trained him since he was a kid. I bet that’s exactly how the writers wanted the audience to feel about it though.

Poor Sidney

So, who’s the third genie? We’ve already met Cyrus the genie and Sidney Glass the genie from Once Upon a Time. Will the third genie be a new character or someone we’ve met before?

This also messes up the timelines in Once Upon a Time and Once Upon a Time in Wonderland. It shows that Jafar was in possession of Sidney’s lamp before Sidney met Regina, but we first meet the Knave of Hearts in present-day Storybrooke where Sidney is now a magic mirror and not a genie. TIME PRETZEL.

Is this the Sultan of Agrabah?

I’m going to bet right now that the mystery prisoner in the dungeon with Cyrus is really the Sultan of Agrabah, but why is Jafar just keeping him prisoner, instead of killing him and getting his revenge?

Throwing shade like professionals!

Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. The Red Queen captures the Knave of Hearts and they have a bunch of angry feelings together over their shared past and betrayal, after which the Red Queen decides she’ll have the Knave beheaded.

One of the Ziggy Stardust Tweedles is really a double agent and sharing the Red Queen’s secrets with Jafar, but I’m not sure whether it’s Dee or Dum. I wonder if this will drive a wedge between the twin brothers?

This lizard needs to be greener.

Hey, we make a new friend! Meet Elizabeth, or Lizard as everyone calls her. The Knave of Hearts helped her out in the past and taught her how to be a thief. Lizard is totally in love with the Knave of hearts now, so she would be really sad if the Knave of Hearts lost his head.

Lizard and Alice disguise themselves as executioners to stop the Knaves execution, just like Socrates and Billy the Kid did for Bill and Ted in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

The Knave is so stoned right now.

It’s all in vain though, because Jafar and the Red Queen just show up right after the rescue to spoil everyone’s fun. Jafar is about to kill the Knave, until Alice uses one of her wishes to stop him. She wishes that she ill die if the Knave dies. For some reason, if you kill a genie’s master, you can’t get any wishes from the genie. Does this mean that if a genie’s master die accidentally, that the genie can never grant any wishes again, or does it only happen if the master is murdered? Anyway, Jafar can’t kill Alice or the Knave, if wants to get Cyrus transferred to him.

Angered, Jafar turns the Knave into stone, hoping that Alice will have to use one of her wishes to turn him back into flesh.

*HISS*

In the past, Jafar had also turned Amara into a magical staff. Jafar likes turning people into inanimate objects. At least she gets to be at the side of the man she love forever now.

*BRAP*

Meet Burp Guard. Burp Guard is my new hero. Burp Guard provides Cyrus with a wishbone that Cyrus can magically use to escape from his cage. Genies have magic over any object with the word “wish” in it, don’t you know?

So, yeah, this episode ends with Cyrus starting to escape from his cage, but I bet it will still be a few episode before he and Alice are reunited. Heck, at the start of next week’s episode, I bet Jafar shows up just before Cyrus is about to break free and stops him while cackling or something.

This episode is all about how important it is to let go o the past and move forward, unless, you’re Alice, in which case you never let go of your past love and you talk about how wonderful and perfect it was all the time to make your lovelorn best friend, the Knave of Hearts, feel terrible.

Everybody is connected to everybody!

So, it turns out that the Knave of Hearts was originally Will Scarlet, one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS! Well… He was one of the Merry Men for about two days, just enough time for them to help him break into Maleficent’s castle so that he could steal a magic looking glass. Maleficent’s castle didn’t have any guards and seemed pretty deserted, but he need them anyhow.

I was pretty bummed that it seemed like Kristin Bauer van Straten literally phoned in her performance in this episode, because all we get of her is her voice. If they couldn’t actually get Kristin to show up for this episode, then why did it even have to be Maleficent’s castle at all, they could have used a new witch. Hopefully, they’re just reminding us that Maleficent exist because she has a bigger role in an upcoming episode.

I dislike that the are relying so heavily on characters from their parent show, Once Upon a Time, I would like for Once Upon a Time in Wonderland to stand more on its own.

Who are you?

In the present, the Knave of Heart and Alice are still searching for the genies bottle. They need to know who stole it, if they are find it, but there weren’t any clues left behind. If only they could look into the past! Well, they can! Yay! All they need is the Forget-Me-Knot, a magical rope that lets you see the last thing that happened at any spot. So, it should just show them themselves looking into the empty hole and looking disappointed since that is the last thing that happened there, or, you know, a butterfly that flew near the hole or any number of random things that could have happened near the hole subsequently, but, whatever, stop questioning to overly convenient magical dealies, Laurel.

Alice and the Knave travel to Underland, which is like Wonderland, only underground and rife with hashish abuse, to get the Forget-Me-Knot from the evil Caterpillar. Well, it turns out that he doesn’t have it. He wants it, though, and he’s willing to consider the Knave’s debts to him erased, if they let him have the Forget-Me-Knot, after they are done using it.

Aaaaaaaaah!

If they fail to retrieve the Forget-Me-Knot for the Caterpillar, however, then it’s off with the Knave’s head.

Why is everyone in Wonderland so obsessed with taking other people’s heads? Are they like Princess Langwidere from Ozma of Oz and they put different heads on their shoulders like fashion accessories?

Woof.

The Forget-Me-Knot is at Grendel’s house. Is it the “Grendel” from the Old English poem, Beowulf? Um, I sure hope not? Although, if he is, that means that his brother is a dragon and that might be fun.

Meanwhile, Jafar and the Red Queen take time out of their busy day of looking fabulous and flirting to send a monster after Alice, so that she’ll be forced to use one of her wishes. One of the monsters they consider using is the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi. They need to stop dropping shout-outs like that and straight up have a Jedi on, otherwise I’m going to explode. Anyhoo, they decide instead on the Frumious Bandersnatch, which is an actual thing from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and not some other unrelated story, so they get extra points from me for doing that.

What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

Grendel had been using the Forget-Me-Knot to stare at his lost wife all day, because everybody’s backstory has to have something about true love in it. The Knave of Hearts uses his pain from loosing his love, Anastasia, to empathize with Grendel and get him on their side, so that after they defeat the Bandersnatch he decides to give them the Forget-Me-Knot.

And then Alice and the Knave of Hearts use the Forget-Me-Knot to find out that the White Rabbit is a turncoat for the Red Queen and that it was he that dug up the genie’s bottle. They should have been able to guess that, though. I mean, really, burrowing into the ground is kind of the White Rabbit’s thing.

What a cute couple. It would be a shame if something happened to them.

So, long story short, it turns out that the Red Queen was Anastasia in the past, because EVERYBODY MUST BE AT LEAST TWO THINGS. She and Will Scarlet used the looking glass he stole to get to Wonderland. Sometime between then and now they had a falling out and she took over Wonderland and became the Red Queen. I wonder if they were able to get Barbara Hershey to play the Queen of Hearts in a future episode? I want to see Will Scarlet become the Queen of Heart’s Knave and then see how he reacts when it turns out he choose the wrong side and his old love, Anastasia, defeats the Queen.

One other thing: when are we going to find out who the guy who is sharing the dungeon with Cyrus is? He can’t just be some random prisoner. Everybody on this show has to be some fairy tale character.

SPOILER ALERT! THIS CONTAINS SPOILER FOR THE SECOND EPISODE OF SEASON 1 OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN WONDERLAND, “TRUST ME”.

In this episode, it’s Jafar and the Red Queen VS Alice and the Knave of Hearts, in an epic race to locate Cyrus’ genie bottle. Well, when I say, “race” what I mean is “leisurely jaunt through the woods of Vancouver”.

Incidentally, putting giant foam mushrooms randomly amongst the trees doesn’t really make it look like a mystical land, but I appreciate that they tried and it is better than bad CGI backgrounds.

Tweedle-Ziggy and Tweedle-Stardust

Why do Tweedledee and Tweedledum have Ziggy Stardust lightning bolts on their faces? I mean, it’s fabulous! But why?

Jafar and the Red Queen want the genie’s bottle because it will allow Jafar to break the laws of magic. The laws of magic are: You can’t kill anyone; You can’t bring anyone by from the dead; You can’t change the past; And, you can’t make anyone fall in love. Except, we’ve seen these laws being broken. In this very episode, Jafar uses his magic to turn a bunch of peasants into dust, killing them. We’ve seen the White Rabbit and Jefferson from Once Upon a Time each open portals through time, so you can change the past. Dr. Frankenstein from Once Upon a Time also used magical hearts to raise the dead. I guess the laws only apply to genie magic? Jafar and the Red Queen must want to use magic to make someone fall in love with them, because I think that’s the only magic law we haven’t seen broken in this universe. They, of course, can’t say why they are doing the evil things they’re doing, almost as though they know they’re on a television show and that they have to pad things out for several episodes by being vague.

She’s busy flower arranging! Stop interrupting her, Jafar!

Jafar is keeping Cyrus in a silver cage, because genies are allergic to silver, apparently. I have never heard of genies having any weaknesses before. Hopefully, Cyrus is half vampire and will go on a crazy murderous, bloodsucking rampage soon.

I wish that Cyrus was actually a sinister character, like he was tricking Alice into falling in love with him, so that she’d wish for his freedom, but it’s just doe-eyes and romantic quips with this guy.

WHAT DID THE MOCK TURTLE EVER DO TO YOU?

Alice wants the genie bottle, because, after she makes her three wishes, Cyrus will be sucked back into his bottle and then they can be all kissy kissy magical in lovey dovey again.

I’m starting to really dislike the Alice and Cyrus romance, mostly because there wasn’t an actual romance. They just fell in love in love at first sight because they are both pretty, and now they’re slavishly devoted to eachother. It reminds me of Anakin and Padme in Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.

When they get Cyrus back, Alice wants the Knave of Hearts to wish for Cyrus’ freedon. Note: Alice wasn’t willing to wish for Cyrus’ freedom, because wishes always have a bad reaction in equal magnitude to the wish and wishing for a genie’s freedom is a big wish. Who cares if something bad happens to the Knave of Hearts after he wishes for Cyrus’ freedom, though? Alice doesn’t seem to care about anything other than her and Cyrus. For example: she was so fixated on getting to the bottle as fast as possible, that she stabs and threatens a poor giant mock turtle to take her to it. The poor turtle was just hanging out in a lake, seemingly asleep, and a crazy girl wakes it up by stabbing it in the neck. USE YOUR WORDS, ALICE!

Poor Knave of Hearts, too. He has to hear constantly about Alice’s epic romance and apparently he lost a love named Anastasia, in the past. I hope that this “Anastasia” is actually Anastasia Romanov, daughter of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia, and we get some sweet Rasputin action. Maybe, Jafar is also Rasputin. Everybody must be at least two things!

Anyway, long story short, the Red Queen ends up with the genie’s bottle, because the White Rabbit was randomly hiding behind a bush when Alice and Cyrus were burying it. Yep.

Oh, and one other thing, Alice says that her mother died in childbirth. I never trust these shows when somebody dies off-screen, hell, not even when they die on-screen. I bet that Alice’s mother isn’t really dead and that her mother’s disappearance has something to do with why Alice was led to Wonderland in the first place.

*UPDATE* I just remembered that one of the evil stepsisters from Cinderella was named “Anastasia”. That’s a possibility for the Knaves of Hearts lost love as well. I hope they wouldn’t be as obvious as that, though.

Hello everyone, and welcome to Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, the needless spinoff of Once Upon a Time, that, thus far, isn’t really the distinguishable from Once Upon a Time in any way.

If you’ve seen the previews for this show, then you’ve pretty much know most of the plot of this episode: Alice travels to Wonderland. Alice falls in love with a genie named “Cyrus”. The Red Queen kills Cyrus. Alice returns to the real world where everyone thinks shes crazy and sends her to an asylum. The Knave of Hearts and the White Rabbit breaks Alice out of the Asylum and return her to Wonderland. Alice believes that Cyrus is really alive and the start a search for him

There were two main twists: The White Rabbit is really working for the Red Queen and Jafar is in Wonderland because he want’s the three wishes that Cyrus gave to Alice.

So, with the recap done, here’s what I thought of the characters:

Bah! Another kid!

Young Alice

Young Alice is another annoying kid for us all to have. Like Henry from Once Upon a Time, her main trait is that she believes in fantastical things, even though those around her tell her that none of it is real.

I sure hope that we don’t get a bunch of flashbacks her annoying kid adventures in Wonderland.

Strange Attire

Adult Alice

Alice’s main trait is that she likes to run around in her underwear. Seriously, she spends most of this episode in Victorian undergarments.

In this episode, Alice signs a form and the camera cuts away before we see her last name. I wonder if her last name is significant. Maybe she is related to one of the characters from Once Upon a Time and they don’t want us to know about it just yet. Otherwise, she probably doesn’t have a last name, because the last name of Alice from the original stories was never mentioned.

Dr. Lyndgate and the Gaslighting Crew

Dr. Lyndgate

Dr. Lyndgate is one of the doctors of Bethlem Asylum and tries to convince Alice that Wonderland isn’t real. He is cast somewhat as a villain, but he really doesn’t have any evidence that Wonderland is real and the only conclusion to be had is that Alice is delusional. It’s just too bad that Victorian Era mental health treatments usually ended up doing more harm than good.

Even though Alice has escaped from the asylum, I don’t think that this is the last we will see of Dr. Lyndgate. Someone has to explain to Alice’s father what happened to her. Plus, Dr. Lyndgate has now seen the White Rabbit. Is he a believer now or does he discount what he’s seen as an hallucination?

Handsome!

Cyrus the Genie

Cyrus’ main traits are that he is handsome, he looks good and he wears a vest. Other than that, from what little we see of him in this episode, I guess it can be ascertained that he’s charming and a good fighter. He doesn’t seen to have any magic powers like a genie should and The Knave of Hearts even says that he has no magic, which is weird.

Cyrus gets thrown off a cliff and is presumed dead, but it’s really a trick by The Red Queen and Jafar to capture him. I thought that genies could fly though?

The leather jacket means that he’s a renegade.

The Knave of Hearts

The Knave of Hearts is our roguish badboy with a heart of gold. He did some bad things in Wonderland an dis on the run. For some odd reason he wants to start a new life in Storybrooke, so Wonderland must really be horrible.

A small thing: when we first meet the Knave of Hearts he visits Granny’s Diner in Storybrooke. There is a small cameo by Grumpy the dwarf and he is with a waitress the isn’t Ruby. It’s a girl named Ashley instead.

Another thing: The Knave of Hearts is in present-day Storybrooke, when the White Rabbit asks him to help save Alice, but Alice is in Victorian England, which means that the White Rabbit can open portals through time. Why don’t they just ask him to open a portal to a time before the Red Queen pushes Cyrus off a cliff, so that they can save him? Also, why do they have to leave right away to save Alice? Can’t they take some time to prepare before they travel back through time? When you can time travel, you have all the time in the world! I think that the writers just wanted a Storybrooke cameo and didn’t think things through. Time travel always screws stories up.

Is there an Uncanny Valley for animals?

The White Rabbit

The White Rabbit is a nervous, cowardly little guy. He is working for the Red Queen for reasons as of yet unknown to us. Although, he may have reason to be angry at Alice. She kidnapped him to use as proof the Wonderland exists. We never see how he escapes from her and he obviously didn’t come back with her to the real world, because no one believes her and thinks she’s insane.

Tasty!

The Cheshire Cat

The Cheshire Cat is hungry all the time. Alice says that he looks different than before, which suggests that he has become twisted by evil magic. I predict the he shall become uncursed and also an ally.

Evil gets the best clothing!

The Red Queen

The Red Queen is evil and she wears pretty dresses. We pretty much know nothing else about her at this point. She has some sort of beef with Alice that will probably be revealed in a flashback.

No there’s some bad blue screen!

Jafar

Jafar is evil and he has a sweet-looking snake cane. He wants the three wishes that Cyrus gave to Alice.

Wishes in this universe are actual physical objects that look like jewels and can be traded to other people or stolen. We don’t know what Jafar wants to wish for. Wishes always come with a catch though, so is it really a good idea for him to be seeking them out?

How did characters from Agrabah get to Wonderland? Mysteries!

Tweedle #1?Tweedle #2?

Here is a thing that bugs me. The credits mention “Tweedle #1” and “Tweedle #2”. Did the mean “Tweedledee” and “Tweedledum”, or did the mean “Thing 1” and “Thing 2”?