The 7 Derpiest Lines From Steve Stockman's First Fundraising Letter

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) is generally considered a very conservative Republican. But there is just no pleasing some conservatives.

So naturally, Rep. Steve Stockman (R-Texas) is challenging "liberal John Cornyn" because his actions "betray Republicans and this constitutional Republic."

Stockman's first fundraising letter that is a highly engaging read. Here are the best seven lines:

"You are in a foxhole fighting to save our constitutional Republic, and the last thing you need is a Republican bayonet in your back. But that’s what liberal John Cornyn has been doing to you every day."

"If liberal John Cornyn loves being a senator he can move to Massachusetts."

"Liberal John Cornyn claims to oppose Obamacare, but he votes to kill any effort to stop it because he agrees with the D.C. establishment and thinks it will buy him votes. Every Republican who works to fund Obamacare kills freedom twice as quickly as when a Democrat does it."

"I am sponsoring the Sanctity of Life Act again, H.R. 2764. It would automatically overturn Roe v. Wade, protecting human life between conception and birth."

"I have also introduced legislation to block and nullify all anti-gun UN treaties. I introduced H.R.35, the Safe Schools Act, to stop school shootings by allowing teachers, parents and school personnel to carry legal firearms on school property."

"When freedom is threatened Texans have always mounted up and ridden to the sound of the guns. I’m not asking you to take a bullet or face actual bayonets."

The basic premise behind Stockman's campaign is that Cornyn, for lack of a better term, isn't derpy enough to be a U.S. Senator from Texas. Texas Republican primary voters demand an extremely high level of derp, and Cornyn just doesn't make the cut.

Is Stockman right?

On one hand, Cornyn is pretty derpy. Last month, he accused President Obama of striking an interim nuclear deal with Iran to "distract from O-Care." He wants to abolish the Federal Reserve's mandate to promote full employment. He voted against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act, against the deal to end the government shutdown, and frequently enough in line with conservative demands to earn an 86% rating on Heritage Action's vote scorecard, compared to an average of 67% for Republican senators.

On the other hand, an 86% rating means that there is room for more 14 additional percentage points of derp. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) has a 99% rating. Texas is a big state; doesn't it have room for two maximally derpy Senators?

Regardless of that gap, my prediction is that Cornyn will pretty easily beat Stockman. Stockman doesn't have Ted Cruz's smarts. Cruz won an open seat election; Cornyn is protected by his incumbency. And Stockman also has some scandal problems on which Cornyn is capitalizing.