Passive aggressive people can be a frustrating bunch. They use sarcasm, victimhood and other subtle devices to avoid confrontation or get out of doing tasks they don’t like. Learn to recognize and deal with them before they drive you crazy…

Dealing with a passive-aggressive person can leave you irritated, frustrated or even angry. You don’t understand why they are so stubborn and unconcerned about anyone’s feelings but their own. And nothing you can do will change their outlook.

So you’ll have to change how you behave in response to them.

Passive-aggressive people tend to have an overall negative, or even hostile, attitude toward life and other people. In their minds, they’re always the victim, never the victimizer.

The person might constantly show up late for meals or appointments, or put a carton of ice cream in the freezer when they know you love it, but you’re dieting, Dr. Orloff says.

“To deal with a passive aggressive person you must set clear limits and boundaries about the behavior change in question so they can correct it,” she advises.

So if you have a coworker or family member with passive-aggressive tendencies, here are some suggestions for things you can do to help yourself stay sane.

Recognizing the passive-aggressive traits
Learning to deal with a passive-aggressive person requires learning to recognize their hallmark attitudes and behaviors.

If you work with a person with a passive-aggressive personality, you’ve probably noticed that they’re masters at avoiding responsibility for things they don’t want to do. They use passive resistance to get out of anything they’d rather not have to do.

They might try to avoid working on the task by using procrastination or “forgetting” about it altogether. Other passive-aggressive people might simply complain about the task or create a sense of chaos so someone else will offer to do the task for them, Dr. Orloff says.

Passive-aggressive people also have a unique way of interacting with others. They may seem excessively paranoid or overly sensitive about what people are saying.

They might also feel that everybody “has it in for them” and nobody wants them to be happy.

This is a way that passive-aggressive people blame their unhappiness on outside factors rather than accepting their own ability to be happy. If they can find a way to blame others, they can shirk off their responsibility for creating their own emotions by their thoughts and actions.

People who tend to be passive-aggressive are not typically open to receive suggestions for how to do things.

When a passive-aggressive person is given a suggestion or shown a different way of doing something, they will find a way to avoid doing the task in the new way out of spite for the person who gave the suggestion.

Oftentimes, passive-aggressive people will resent people who offer advice and suggestions. This may be because they believe their way is the best way, and it may be that they don’t like the person giving the suggestion. So when someone offers (or demands they do it) another way, the passive-aggressive will resist, despite being told it’s probably a better option, and that they need to give it a try. This can create disunity, lack of productivity and other resentments where they work.

Passive-aggressive people have a tendency to be sullen and stubborn. They often appear to be pouting or sulking, which can frustrate people around them. They also might be easily offended because they often mistake what people say and misconstrue even the most innocent remarks as a personal attack.

One reason they may react in this manner is because it’s an effective way to put others on the defensive and help the passive-aggressive person appear to somehow be the victim in the situation.

Even though they tend to be overly sensitive to the things people say to them, they are equally insensitive to others’ feelings – so they’re often quick to point out the shortcomings of others.

Passive-aggressive personalities tend to fear intimacy. For them, intimacy is a sign of dependency and they don’t like feeling dependent on anybody or anything. They are generally self-dependent, preferring to make their own decisions without input from others.

Although they often involve themselves in both intimate and platonic relationships, their negative personality traits tend to be an obstacle in many relationships.

In addition to the disdain towards intimacy and dependency, passive-aggressive personalities do not communicate well – a trait that can create a lot of self-fulfilling prophecy in their experiences with others as they fear confrontation, but create it through their attitudes and actions.

Because they often feel that others don’t communicate well with them, they refuse to communicate well with others. The problem is, their behavior has often trained others around them to avoid communication with them.

This leads to both parties refusing to communicate with the other. And then the passive-aggressive person will blame the lack of communication on others rather than themselves.

And there’s nothing you can say or do to convince them to shoulder any of the blame.

Avoiding conflict is another trait of many passive-aggressives. They may really want to confront others, but they become afraid of the other person’s reaction, so choose to go another – usually less direct – route.

For example, if a passive-aggressive person lives in an apartment and their upstairs neighbor constantly blares loud music, the person might imagine going to the neighbor to ask them to turn it down.

Instead, the irritated passive-aggressive will do something more subtle to try and get their point across. They may turn their own music up to drown out the neighbor’s music, ask someone else to solve the problem, or even talk to the building manager rather than to confront the person who’s disturbing their peace.

Dealing with passive-aggressive people
People with a passive-aggressive personality might only show a few of these characteristics, or they may have any combination of them. That’s what makes identifying this disorder a little tricky.

If you have a relationship with one of these personalities, whether it is a coworker, a significant other or a family member, there are some techniques you can use to deal with them – and to keep your frustration level to a minimum.

1. Don’t set up a win-lose scenari. The first rule for dealing with a passive-aggressive personality is to refrain from getting into a power struggle. They’ve had a lifetime of practice bending others to their will, so you probably will not win this struggle.

Power struggles usually end up with you feeling very frustrated and the passive-aggressive feeling as if she’s won yet another battle.

2. Remain calm. Do not let the passive-aggressive person push you off-message or make you lose control. They know how to irritate anyone they see as their opponent until that person goes away and stops making demands or suggestions.

Once you have become irritated and frustrated, you lose any edge that you may have with them, or any possibility for a positive outcome to your conversation.

3. Hold up a mirror. If you find yourself in an argument or struggle with a passive-aggressive personality, try turning the tables on them by describing their current behavior or statements in a calm and rational manner.

They likely will deny that they are behaving in such a way and say it’s just your perception – but showing them that you “have their number,” so to speak, will often make them back down.

4. Understand their viewpoint. Point out the inconsistencies in their behavior or arguments after you’ve thoroughly understood what those objections are. Looking at the argument from their point of view will help you discuss the issue with them with more success.

5. Ask the passive-aggressive person for suggestions as to how they would solve or improve the situation under discussion. Since they’re accustomed to avoiding decision-making because of the responsibility that comes with it, they will likely avoid the opportunity to give their advice, as well.

As long as somebody else makes the major decisions, the passive-aggressive person will have somebody on which to place the blame if something goes wrong.

Passive-aggressive personality is listed as an abnormal personality disorder by the American Psychological Association. As such, people who suffer from a passive-aggressive personality have more limited abilities to reason with logical arguments and thoughts.

Understanding this, you can lower both your emotions and your expectations for eventual agreement when encountering someone who has this disorder. Rather than debating them using the same methods you would use with logical person who cares about others’ feelings, you will need to use other types of arguments and techniques to get your point across.

Are you a Pushover?Would Nancy Reagan be proud of your ability to "just say no" or would you actually follow your friends if they jumped off a bridge? Being a pushover may make you more likeable, but it doesn't make you more respectable. Find out just how much you're willing to bend when push comes to shove with this passive aggressive quiz.

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