Today’s sermon: God, politics and idiots

Finally! Here’s some church-related information that doesn’t make me doze off in the pews.

Pat Robertson: The Dennis Franchione of Religion

In the beginning, there was Pat, who had a cable television network where he preached fear and got money from shut-ins.

And that begat a string of conservative politicians and celebrities, who came forth out of the secular wasteland, to pose for pictures with Pat and seek his blessing. And it was good…for nothing. Pat himself ran for president and failed miserably.

Soon, Pat began making predictions about the world, politics and the economy. And it was good, except that Pat was never, ever right about anything. Nine or 10 Armageddon dates laid out by Pat have come and gone, and we’re still here.

Soon, Pat’s political power waned. He began praying for important people to die. Politicians no longer felt the need to cuddle up to him. And then Pat told everyone that he could leg press 2,000 pounds.

And it came to pass that everyone finally realized Pat was nuts.

But now, desperate times call for desperate actions. It’s November sweeps month for television networks. The GOP presidential pool is jammed. The 700 Club’s phone lines aren’t.

At this point, only one question remains: “Who is more desperate?” Is it cable news, which is desperate for live and breaking news to cover? Is it Buick-lifting Pat Robertson, who is so insignificant, he’s a national punchline? Or is it candidate-in-the-crowd Guliani, who needs the ammo to remain competitive?

The GOP campaign: Like an arms race, only with preachers instead of nukes

If Pat Robertson is the crazy uncle of the conservative Christian movement, then Paul M. Weyrich is its godfather. He helped create the Heritage Foundation, which is the conservative political think tank that came up with that lame-brained “Star Wars” missile plan. He also helped found the Moral Majority with the late Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Earlier this week, Weyrich threw his support behind Mitt Romney’s GOP candidacy. Last month, Bob Jones III, whose dad founded a Christian college in South Carolina with his father’s name, endorsed Romney. That school didn’t enroll blacks until 1971, and full integration occurred only after trouble with the feds in the 70s and 80s.

Romney also got endorsements from Mark DeMoss, a former Falwell employee and John Willke, who heads the National Right to Life Committee.

This is funny because Romney is Mormon and evangelicals have bashed that faith as if it were a heretical piñata. He also supported abortion and gay rights as Massachusetts governor, though he’s changed his tune now that he’s running for president.

What would Jesus do? He’d probably tell Romney, Guliani and all of these self-appointed kingmakers that politics and religion don’t mix.

James Macnair, 35, was arraigned Monday, charged with burglary, possession of a burglar’s tools and petty larceny. A church employee caught him in the act.

No word on what “the act” involves, beyond use of the phone.

Also non-mixable: Religion and hate

If Macnair is disturbed, Fred Phelps and his cult are full-tilt evil.

Phelps is the head of a Topeka group that calls itself the Westboro Baptist Church. It is not affiliated with any mainstream Baptist group and operates independently of all of them.

Consisting of 100 or so of Phelps’ extended family and a few equally crazy friends, the church earned its stripes with its “God Hates Fags” campaign.

Phelps’ daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper, second-in-charge of the Insane Clown Parish, is fighting charges in Nebraska that she mutilated a flag and put her 10-year-old son in danger as the group protested a soldier’s funeral.

The Westboro freaks have gone beyond picketing public events — such as sporting events, family-themed shows and other churches — with their anti-gay agenda. These days, they protest at the funerals of soldiers killed overseas, claiming God is punishing America for the nation’s tolerance of gays.