Using Harsh Feedback to Fuel Your Career

The first time I tried to enlist in the Marine Corps, I got laughed out of the recruiter’s office. At a pudgy 300 pounds, I was hardly an ideal candidate. The recruiter was just playing the odds when he took one look at me, pointed to the door, and told me to stop wasting his time.

After months of diet and exercise, I did get a recruiter to take me seriously – and finally graduated from boot camp at 185 pounds, 18 months after that initial failed attempt. The tough feedback that I received in the Marines was exactly what I needed to get my life together.

Each of us has a story like this in our personal or professional lives. We overcome a hurdle and grow stronger and more confident as a result. We take negative feedback and use it to slingshot from a negative situation to a much better one.

But we also have other stories that we don’t like to tell. Stories of failure. Stories where we don’t turn things around, and bad only becomes worse.

How we initially react to negative feedback can be the difference between success and failure. And it turns out that a variety of natural tendencies work against us when we get criticized. We hold ourselves back without even realizing it. Why?

We confuse behavior with identity. I am instantly defensive when someone offers me feedback. It feels like they are attacking me as a professional, and sometimes even as a person. Of course they don’t mean it that way, but the feeling is overpowering. Even when someone skillfully gives feedback directed at my behavior, I tend to internalize it. I feel as if my identity is being criticized.

We believe in the fallacy of well-roundedness. I wanted an A in every subject in college, be it history or computer science. It’s hard to shake loose from this mindset, even though it’s obviously counterproductive at work. Over a few painful years, I’ve learned to look for collaborators when I’m not good at something. The upside is incredible. What takes me ten grinding hours will take them ten minutes, be higher quality, and they will enjoy doing it.

We’re perfectionists. When I decide to do something, I want to do it right. The first 90% of a project may only take me a few days. But then the perfectionism starts to kick in, and I will spend another week getting the last few details correct. That’s okay at the early stages of a professional career, but it becomes a trap as the work piles up. Soon I’m over-committed, stressed, and way behind all my work. All because I can’t figure out when to consider something done.

With these three common biases in mind, consider following this simple process after receiving negative feedback. You may find that one of these steps is more valuable to you than others. You’re of course free to discard, change, and otherwise adapt as needed.

Step 1: Embrace emotions. It’s only natural to get upset when someone gives you negative feedback. I’ll be the first person to tell you that. So let yourself be upset. Don’t try to stifle that feeling of injured pride, anxiety, or anger. Reach out to someone outside work and vent. Allow your emotions to subside before moving forward.

Step 2: Don’t demonize. Everything flows from this decision. It takes discipline to avoid labeling someone else as a jerk (or worse) because they gave you negative feedback. Think of it as a very awkward way of investing in you. Remember, that person only took the time to offer feedback because they still care about you!

Step 3: Prioritize. You may have to sort through a few different pieces of feedback and determine what’s actually worth tackling. Ask yourself: “Is the juice worth the squeeze?” That is, what’s the one thing that I need to address right now? What will make the rest of my life easier? What will cascade down to other aspects of my work in a positive way?

Step 4: Piggyback on a skill. Take this one key area for self-improvement and take a minute — even ten seconds — to think about how you currently behave. Now identify a way you can alter this behavior to improve yourself. For example, I talk too much during meetings. It’s not realistic that I’ll ever stop talking a lot, but I could focus on asking questions instead of making comments.

Step 5: Commit. Incentives are better than discipline. It would be awesome if we did the right thing all the time. But that’s a fantasy. The best way to incentivize yourself is to create an environment of accountability. You will naturally figure out ways to change. So contact the person who gave you the negative feedback, thank them for it, and schedule a time to meet that’s about a month away. Tell them about your goal to change, and how you’re measuring success.

There is no shortcut to professional growth, I’m sorry to say. But you can accelerate your development with the right mindset and behaviors. When someone helps you identify your weaker areas, the habit of using their feedback to slingshot your growth will let you make a huge strides over time.

William Treseder is a founding Partner at BMNT, a problem-solving consultancy in Silicon Valley. He loves to find creative ways to improve the everyday behaviors that define our lives. Trade tips with William on LinkedIn.