​Sitting in my car I look up at the apartment in front of me. Top floor.Center window.Looking for answers, memories, for him.

It’s been ten years.Ten years since my son lived there.Ten years since he tickled me with his beard and gave me one of his giant bear hugs.Ten years since I have heard his guitar and his voice.Ten years since I walked past the yellow caution tape and through the door in search of a “feeling” of him.Ten years since I packed his things into boxes.Ten years since grief and pain invaded my body.It’s been ten years since I wrote my son’s obituary.

My son was pure magic. He was funny, talented, caring and kind. He turned heads with his infatuating energy and turned hearts with his never ending love.

He died in that apartment. He was an addict.

I felt desperately alone.Addiction is a circle of shame – for the addict and the family. His very inner circle of family and friends knew.Only MY very inner circle of family and friends knew.

His addiction was kept private. No one knew he smoked pot for the first time when he was 12.No one knew the first rehab was when he was 16.No one knew he became addicted to an anti-anxiety drug a doctor prescribed for him.No one knew he went to rehab the second time.No one knew he began using prescription drugs again after having his wisdom teeth pulled and prescribed pain medication.No one knew he went to rehab the third time.No one knew how hard he tried to get better.No one knew the cycle, the rollercoaster, the nightmare.

No one knew his pain or mine.No one knew what caused his death.

The rumors, the gossip, the questions only made waiting for the autopsy more difficult.It didn’t make sense to me, but I wanted to believe it when I read:CAUSE OF DEATH- Bronchopneumonia.

I locked the rest of the report in my home safe and in the safety of my heart. I didn’t want to say out loud that there was Methadone in his system within the normal toxic range, but it was also in the therapeutic range for treatment. I didn’t want to see the small amount of Diazepam (Valium) in his system. Both prescribed to him.

I have learned that toxicology reports are only accurate if done swiftly. If there is a delay the results are skewed. In these cases the cause is almost always reported as- Bronchopneumonia. My son’s autopsy was not conducted until four days after he passed.

For most of these years I have only spoken about the details with very select people, in private settings of safety.

After ten years, it is time for me to stand in the truth.My son was an addict.Addiction and drugs killed him.

The image of an addict as someone found lying in an alley with a needle in their arm needs to be redefined. Addicts are our brothers, our sisters, our parents, our best friends and our children. They are on every level of economic status and emotional strength. They collide with addiction in an infinite number of ways.

I’ve spoken to rehab groups.I’ve met with parents of addicts. I’ve held the hands of others who have lost children. I have quietly watched the reports of more and more dying. More and more families struggling. More and more people criticized, shamed and shunned for suffering from addiction.

The struggle is real.My son was not alone. His story is the story of so many others.

We need to talk about it. We need to build a better network of ‘immediate’ treatment and support. We need to celebrate success and recovery in the same way we celebrate winning a battle with cancer… knowing that recurrence is possible, but support and hope never fades.

This epidemic needs to stop!No one should have to hide behind shame and stigma when they desperately need help.

No sister should have to tattoo her brother’s memory on her wrist.No brother should have to lose his best friend.No Mom should have to write her child’s obituary.No parent should have to close another casket.

I look up at the apartment in front of me. Top floor.Center window. Looking for answers, memories, for him.

I think of a conversation I had with my oldest son after the funeral. “Mom, what will we do when it’s been ten years and we forget him?”My answer was the same that day as it is today,“Oh, honey, ten years is a long, long time, but we will never forget him!”​ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~Pennie’s Life Lesson:“No matter how long it takes to stand in your truth, step past the fear and stand in the light.” ​ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~

LINKS TO SPREAD AWARENESS AND HELP

Please visit and share this link to Celebrating Lost Loved Ones. A map to build awareness and celebrate the magical lives lost to this epidemic:​ http://arcg.is/2dduJah

Please visit and share this link to 10000 Beds, (http://10000beds.org/) a nonprofit that I believe in. Their mission is - To protect an addict’s right to treatment, promote ethics in the addiction industry, and partner with extraordinary treatment programs to provide scholarships to those without resources who are ready, willing, and seeking help for addiction.

Pennie, my friend, My heart aches with yours. Thank you for sharing your truth. Thank you for sharing J.T. with us. Thank you for your courage. And thank you for mentioning 10,000 Beds, we are humbled and honored. We ❤️ You.

So eloquent, so painful. Your call to action to celebrate recovery is particularly important to me. While we will never forgot the loss of beautiful people to addiction--people like your son--we must show that recovery is possible. Keeping hope alive. Thanks, Pennie, for your honest, profound words.

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Joshua Oxner

9/13/2017 07:37:24 am

Some of us knew and some of us still hear him singing and playing guitar to this day. Great words Pennie. thanks for sharing

Josh, I hope you are well and I'm so glad to hear from you! And I'm thrilled to hear that JT is still with you! Thank you for commenting! ❤️Send me an email- PennieHunt@gmail.com

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There is a certain magic about where I live both physically and spiritually – on the crossroads of Spirit and Brave.

It seems appropriate that my writings be found under the sign that locates my life. I wish for all of you the ability to live in your Spirit to experience a life filled with love and gratitude and be Brave in the learning of your life lessons.

PLEASE NOTE: This page does not provide medical or legal advice, professional diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services to you or to any other individual. Through this site and links to other sites, Pennie Hunt provides general information for inspiration, encouragement and educational purposes only. The information provided in this site, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for legal, medical or professional care, and you should not use the information in place of a visit, call or the advice of your lawyer, physician or other healthcare provider.