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Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Disclaimer: this is going to go down a pretty bad path, so if you’re having suicidal thoughts or are very depressed, you may not want to read this for there may be triggers. To make this post very short for you: Kenny and I are no longer and I’m trying to get away from him for good.

So. After what Kenny sent me on Wednesday, my day got horrible. If it weren’t for 2 of my friends and how much I love my work, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. It wasn’t exactly because of what Kenny had done or said, but because he made me realise how many shitty friends I have and how lonely I truly feel. I reached out to quite a few friends that day, but most of them talked me down, saying things like “there’s plenty of other fish in the sea”, get over him he’s not worth it – and whatever other shallow comments may come to your mind in such a situation. This is not what one wants to hear when you’ve just gotten your heart broken. No matter how tiny it may seem.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. But that was when I was a teenager, and looking back to it, it probably was more so for attention. What I experienced on Wednesday was different. Very different. And it scared the shit out of me… I’m pretty trained at leading my thoughts away from going down a certain path. But Wednesday it didn’t work. My mind set up a pretty perfect plan of how I could take my own life, without anyone noticing early enough to save me. I’ve been working in a hospital for long enough to know which meds to take, to make it pretty sure. I had a plan in my mind, I had a night shift that day so I could take the pills home and do it the next day when no one’s home for long enough for them to work. No one would notice.
These thoughts were bad. Very bad. And there’s 2 persons on this planet I can talk about something like that. One of them is Kenny. Which just made the situation even worse. So I talked to the other one. And as I said, if it hadn’t been for work and good colleagues (I did not tell them anything about this, I was putting my smiley face on)… well I probably would have taken these pills and be no more. But I didn’t. I didn’t even take them home. Something changed at work. Not feeling worthless I guess.

So to say I was feeling shitty is understated. I know it may seem silly for something so tiny. But as I said, what Kenny did, triggered something huge in me. Not just that he dumped me, or that he was being an asshole. But how I was truly feeling and simply not allowing to surface: Loneliness.

Back to Kenny though. I asked him why he thought we never would work out. Didn’t get an answer. But then again, here’s nothing new. 2 years ago when we kissed, he became the biggest dumpshit, just to tell me a few months later that he needed to do this for me. That he was not truly feeling that way, but he needed me to get over him. I guess this is his plan again. I texted him on Thursday when I was feeling a lot better (despite having done shit on Wednesday aka slitting my arms open before work after being clean for 2 years).
I simply sent him a hello and he sent me a shamy-face back. I asked what this was about, he didn’t really answer. I asked him whether we’re going back to not talking. He didn’t reply. So I simply stated, that obviously we’re going on no contact again for a couple of months, but that he should know I still like him and I’ll see him whenever. He then sent a message back saying, I shouldn’t stress him since he’s at work.
This actually made me laugh. He has been texting me all day every day for the last 3 weeks, when he was at work. He’s reading my messages within 10 minutes after I sent them. And now he’s trying to tell me he’s busy with work? Well, you guess what? Fuck you. I know this game, and it makes me angry I’m playing along. For now I’ll get over him, he’s made me angry and that’s what he wants. And it’s what I need to get over him. But I want to get away from him for good. Although it hurts my heart to think of him not getting back into my life, like ever… (as for mentioned reason above, he is a good friend in bad situations, no matter what is between us, he knows what to do and say when I’m depressed), but maybe it just shouldn’t be.

But you know what makes me angry the most?
He doesn’t know whether we’d never work out. He’s a chicken. It’s not about him not having feelings, I’m pretty sure about this like I’ve said before. But he doesn’t have the courage to go down a path, there’s no certainty in. He’s always had girlfriends that know his bubbly side, but not his past (this is a guess, I’m not sure of this!). I do. I’ve known him in pretty damn bad times, I’ve known him when he was good. I’ve known him with heartache and in new relationships. I’ve had it all. I’m not sure if he can be himself with his girlfriends. I feel like he doesn’t, but again: that’s interpretation.
With me things would be honest. They would be emotional. He wouldn’t be able to hide. And he knows that. He knows I’m emotional and do want to talk about things. With me you can’t just get away, if I’m having a feeling. And I guess that’s what he’s afraid of: the truth. And it makes me sad and angry to know, that he could be himself with me, but is too scared to do so. Simply because it wouldn’t be easy. But it would be true.

So yes, it is Kenny’s loss. I think we would work out, if we both tried. It for sure wouldn’t be an easy path… but he doesn’t want to. And I’m accepting this. And I hope when he comes back to me in however long, I will go back to reading that post and realise how bad of a person he can be. I know in the end he just wants to not hurt me. He isn’t doing this on purpose (even my wise friend said so). Well he is doing it on purpose, but to save me from falling for him. Like for real. This is just a crush. But as my friend said, better stop it after one night, than letting me really fall for him and then him going away. He’s doing the less evil in this situation, and that’s what I give him credits for. He isn’t just thinking about himself, even if it may seem so for most people. He is not.

Still… This is it. And even though it kind of hurts, I know it is best for me. It isn’t best for him, because he does miss out on a good relationship for HIM. But he wouldn’t do the best for me. It’s me: giving without receiving. And as my friend said: it is time for someone to love me the way I give love. Entirely.
She’s said some very wise things to me: Don’t search fornany faults within you, M. I know being lonely for a while makes you do this, and seeing everyone in happy relationships makes you wonder what is wrong with YOU. But there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them. You’re not doing anything wrong, but loving people. You’re not complicated. They just can’t live up to this and this is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful human being and anyone that will ever be with you, will be such a lucky man.

And this is what I’m doing. And I can’t remember when I didn’t have those thoughts when something didn’t work out. I always wonder what I’m doing wrong to not be able to have a relationship. Maybe it’s not me. But it’s hard to think like that. So maybe.. I just need to be alone and really learn to feel lonely. But it’s hard and I’m struggling already.

I’m finally at the stage of being able to cry. I was afraid of letting the feelings in, of it hurting too much to bear. But friends have started asking questions about Kenny. And I started thinking about our situation (not that I didn’t before, but truly think about it). And I have just now sent him a message to please tell me that it had been just fun for him, so I can let go and stop thinking about it. That I just needed to hear.
I’m scared to look at my phone now. I’m crying my eyes out since I sent it. Because I know the rejection will come. And even though I am 90% sure it wasn’t just fun for him and he does love me in a way, I’m also 90% sure he also won’t ever be able to give me what I need. And I know he’s in some way devastated as well, because he’s hurting me. Again. And he doesn’t want that. Not in the way people think at least. It’s hard to describe, but I just know that. He’s a good person, despite what he’s done to his girlfriend.

My feelings have been so ambivalent the last few days. My brain and heart are fighting and even each one doesn’t know what it wants. I don’t want to date a cheater, but our long history is making it hard to forget about him. Our past is always getting back and I do not want to lose him ever in my life. He has been the one constant in my life, that I am not ready to give up. We may lose contact every few months and not talk for a year. But he’s here. He always is. It’s good to know there’s someone out there loving me, even if it’s not enough for what we both may want deep inside ourselves.

I’m still not regretting what I’ve done. Despite what most people may think. I don’t regret sleeping with him, because it was right at that moment. It was selfish, yes, but it felt right. For me at least. I cannot talk for him, we have not talked about it and he said we were good when I asked this morning because he’s been so distant lately. But I’m not. I’m really not. And I know I’ve gotten myself into this. It’s my own fault.
The last few days I have read back on all the posts I wrote about him and I. How the situation was when we kissed 2 years ago and it’s so similar. And yet I am here once again, sitting in my bed, crying about something I knew would happen all along. Will I ever learn? I guess not. I told a friend yesterday, I’d go over in a heartbeat, although I know I end up hurt. Although I know I want more from him than he can give. I have been lying to myself way too long. Saying I was okay with just fwb. I’m not.

I’m not okay. But it’ll pass. We’ve gone through that several times before. We will another time. And maybe in a year, we’re at the same page again. I do not know. I may be stupid, but I have my heart on my sleeve and always will. And I know Kenny is very good at making me dependent on him. He knows which points to trigger, to get me. I know that. I know a lot of things that happened, and still I never protect my heart. And I guess I will never learn in this life time. Not with him. I may protect myself from all the other guys, so I’m not sure why I don’t with him.

Happy Valentine’s. I only just realise before I texted him. This day will forever be on my black list. Today a year ago I got together with Alan. I let myself fall for someone and gave him my everything and got nothing in return. Today I will get my heart broken again, so why not? Why not do it on such a day. Maybe Kenny is even with his girlfriend, what do I know? I’m just so done with the world right now. So done.
I was watching “13 reasons why” till 5am this morning. I planned on going for a run today. I’m having an appointment in an hour and will turn up red eyed. And she’ll know. She always does. But I can’t. I want to turn it all off. I don’t want to feel so much. I can’t. Why am I always getting myself into these situations? I really don’t know.

And yes, I know better times are ahead. Some day I will meet someone who is worth it. Who will give me back what I need. Who will be honest. Who wants me. Whatever. It is not now, and for now I’m going to be sad. Even though I did this to myself. But I have every right to feel that way and… I don’t even know. I’m going now.

I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for everything I said and did.

And I did just get a reply: “M, I like you very much, honestly! And you’re awesome. But there’s never going to be more to it than what we have now…” How in the world.. why did I do this?

So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).

Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.

It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.

I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.

It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.

Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me

I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.

Yesterday took quite the turn. If you have read the post I wrote in the middle of the night, I am sincerely sorry for what I have said. I was pissed with the world. With the comments I got on here (which I asked for and are true). With the misunderstandings. But mostly just with me.

Well, but let’s start from the beginning. I was at work until 10pm. They let me go a little early, because they knew I wanted to go out. So I returned home, got dressed up and went to the place where carnival took place. I was there by 11.15pm and let Kenny know that I was there. I was alone, I didn’t know anyone and everyone I passed was drunk. So I made myself cozy and watched the bands and drunk people.
It took him about 20 minutes until he found me. I was surprised he would let go of his band and come over by himself. So we went to grab a drink and just talked for like 20 minutes. He then had to leave again because of a gig. He asked whether I was staying at that bar (for 1.5 hours) by myself or we’ll meet up somewhere else. I told him I was going to watch another band, which an old school friend was playing in.

So I did just that. Watched him, then walked to the other place Kenny was playing at. There I bumped into said schoolfriend and talked for like 20 minutes, then I bumped into an even older schoolfriend, who I then spent the next couple of hours with and made me leave the gig, which didn’t leave Kenny and I to meet up (he later told me he had searched for me all throughout the gig). It was fun and since Kenny did not reply no more, I was fine by having some fun dancing. Kenny sent me a “hello” every now and then, but never told me where he was at or came over when I told him where I was. By 2.15am I was done waiting and my school friend said he was heading home. So I walked home as well. Kenny had told me beforehand “my bus leaves at 2am, so either I leave with them… or I stay” – and looked at me weirdly. So I knew it was a question of sleeping at my place. I did not reply. Anyway, so by 2.15am when I was leaving, I figured he was home by then. I was quite tipsy by then and really pissed about how the evening went. I wanted to spend time with Kenny and saw him for just a short 20 minutes. That’s when I wrote that post and several other things.

For some reason I didn’t want to go to sleep yet, although I was so tired. I just knew something was gonna happen soon. And really, at 3.15am Kenny finally texted me. So he told me that he was sorry for how everything went and that he had once more messed everything up. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been very stressed and didn’t get time to see me. I just said “well and I kept bugging you as well, I’m sorry.” He then let me know he was still in town. I knew I was too tired to walk all the way back again (20 minutes) by this hour and asked who he was with. When he said he was by himself, I asked how he was getting home and he said he didn’t know. So I told him to wait at a certain place and I’d pick him up, if he wanted to sleep over. He did say “I want to, but…” We both knew what was hanging in between those lines, but I told him to shut his face. I was not gonna let a friend wait in the cold. I would have picked up anyone.
So by 3.30am I was in my car, sober again, picking him up at the train station. We got home (he’s never been at my home) and we talked. Like.. a lot. It was funny, since he obviously was still pretty drunk. He asked me where he could sleep and I told him in my bed. He could’ve gone to the guest room, but I did not tell my mom and I was not about to explain to her what happened. So we slept in the same bed.

Yes, we cuddled. But that was all. There was no kiss. No inappropriate touching. Just hugging and falling asleep (well he did, I did not).
And I was actually okay. I got the kind of intimacy I wanted, without him cheating on his girlfriend. Right?

I feel like I need to type out my feelings towards Kenny before I see him on Thursday.

I’m not entirely sure where we’re heading to, and I’m also not sure how I’ll feel about it once I’m going home from our “date” again, but right now… I’m looking forward to seeing him. I really miss him when he doesn’t text, and we have been in constant contact from morning to night every day the last 2 weeks or so. This is new, but then also not so new, because it usually is like that before we see each other.
I don’t know what to expect. I do expect us to kiss, but then I also think he might try to hold himself together and therefore not kiss me. I’m not sure how I’ll feel when he doesn’t. I probably would be sad, if I’m being honest. I’m definitely not going to make that first step, but I’d love to kiss him. Not gonna lie. Actually, right now I’d probably even go into friends with benefits with him… but that’s most likely because I’m so lonely lately and the attention I get from him feels so good. I know it’d be hard, because I know about his girlfriend and so on… but I guess I’ll just see how it goes in a few days.

Another thing that happened this weekend: As I’ve said before, we’re chatting on snapchat. You can send special emoji’s (bitmoji) with your personal avatars. I think it was Sunday morning when he sent me an emoji, which said “I love you”. I was pretty surprised by this. Not because I thought he didn’t love me, but because he was so open about it. He did claim that he hadn’t meant to send it, but let’s be real. They’re huge, you can’t just push one on accident. Maybe he just wanted to see how I reacted? And I know he loves me in some way. I don’t think I have ever been so sure about someone having feelings towards me. But then probably because we both know we can’t allow them.

I don’t know. I’m just excited to see him this Thursday. He texted me this morning saying “it’s Thursday soon”. He didn’t say why (obviously because he’s off work, but then also – I guess – he’s excited to see me as well).

So I’m pretty torn. I do want him. But I also know it will do me no good, because I don’t want to be second choice. The question seems to be, whether I am second choice or the girlfriend is. It might be obvious to you guys, but then why is he always coming back to me? Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m at the bad end of all of this. But we’ll see. There’s not much to lose, right?

Something new happened with Kenny. Well kind of, we’ve had talks about our emotions or our status before… so it’s not entirely new. But it was indicated from his part, so that was new.
He had been somewhat silent yesterday and I thought he might be mad, because I didn’t go over when he asked me to. But I just thought to myself, that if he actually decides to ignore me for that, I’d just leave him be for how ever long it’ll take us to get back together.

Well anyway. I’m glad snapchat lets you save your messages, since I can’t take screenshots for he would notice. So it started out with us arguing about sex. This is nothing new and I told him to let it go, because I was not in the mood to argue. All of a sudden he asked me what I thought of him. That was new. And I figured it was time to let him know what kind of mess he’s getting me into:
“I’m not sure what I think about you myself actually. You know that I like you, but things like on Saturday let me ask myself what I am to you… it’s one thing to not agree on what ‘cheating’ is… but sometimes I just ask myself if I’m a ‘fun toy’ for in between.. not sure how to explain my feelings”

I didn’t get an answer for the longest time. I also didn’t know what to expect from him, I had absolutely no clue. After a few hours he sent me a wink-emoji and said that he understood me and knows what he does isn’t good. And that we’ve talked about this before.
We have. We’ve gone through the exact same thing 2 years ago, without any change.
I wanted to be completely honest so I replied the following: “I’m not accusing you of anything, I hope you know that. I just wouldn’t be able to do so, or rather that’s the only reason I didn’t come on Saturday, because I remembered how I felt 2 years ago. I wasn’t the one to do anything wrong, but I’m an honest and loyal person and it was hard for me. It’s not that I had hoped you would leave your girlfriend for me. I never hoped or thought so. But still it hurt me… I know we’ll probably never be able to get our fingers off each other and in some way that’s nice to know, too.. but still…”
He then exclaimed how I had something about me, that keeps him coming back for me. He then asked what we should do about it and I said I didn’t know and probably never will.

Then things took a weird turn. He said “best would be, if you’d have a boyfriend“. I just said “why should that make things any easier between us?” and he said this way I’d be able to forget about him. Which is ridiculous. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 16 years and we always had that thing going on. I met him when I was 12 and fell in love with him just by texting. It took us like 4 years to finally meet up (by accident that is), and that’s when he kissed me even though he had a girlfriend back then. So that story has started a loooong way back. A boyfriend wouldn’t change my feelings towards him. I might decide to hide them, but it wouldn’t change them.

I’m not sure what to do about this. Like I said, I don’t think we’ll end up together. He probably is somewhat happy with his girlfriend and I believe him. I’m not sure if anyone who hasn’t ever experienced something like that understands… but it’s just something that keeps us getting back together. Yet the timing is always wrong. He just said how last year we didn’t meet up when he had been single. And that was due to me being with Alan. We can’t seem to get it right. And I’m not hoping or wanting for him to break up with his girlfriend. I would never ask him for that, if he’s happy. The last girlfriend I told him to leave was, because he wasn’t happy anymore (and it still took him a year to do so, after we kissed).

I know all of this sounds so awkward. And I’m telling you, it’s not that I want to forget about P. Of course it doesn’t make things any easier for me, and I definitely wouldn’t let myself have these talks if I’d date anyone. But I’m not, so musing about Kenny and I… well what is new in my life? Drama everywhere.