TMI sexual issues with husband - what do I do?

Hi ladies, I’ll try to keep this concise. I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first, my husband’s 4th (he was married and had three kids prior to us). He had a reversal to make this pregnancy a possibility, and God answered prayers after several months. I was over the moon for a brief period, but lately that’s all come crashing down.

He’s always been a little obsessed with the idea of a threesome - fine by me, I can handle the fact that it’s a fantasy, watch porn with him, dirty talk etc. Lately, it’s gone from a fantasy to him insisting he’s now polyamorous, and wanting another woman in addition to me (I won’t say wife since I realize that’s not legal in most places including where we live). He’s said that he’s made the ultimate sacrifice for me (having a reversal and having a child again) and I should do the same for him. I’ve told him that my boundaries are bringing another person into our relationship - I have no interest and feel it could end badly. His responses have ranged from “what you won’t, someone else will” to “well then, hopefully I won’t cheat on you...I love you very much, but don’t always trust myself, like an alcoholic at a bar”. He’s bringing it up daily at this point, and saying things like “I hope you get nice and fat during this pregnancy - the lower your self esteem is, the more likely you are to give me what I want”.

I fully realize this behavior is toxic and unhealthy, but I don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to divorce him over ignorant comments. He hasn’t actually done anything at this point, it’s all talk, just not sure how much more I can take. We’ve been put on a waiting list at a counselors office. Any advice from someone who is or has been in a similar situation would be appreciated - or from a guy perspective if there are any perusing these boards!

What a horrible manipulative bastard.... he may not have cheated yet but he is abusive... get the hell out of there... maybe his ex left for more reasons than you know!!! Seriously I feel angry reading your post and want to punch the asshole in the face!!!

I'm sorry you are even having to deal with this issue while being pregnant. This should be a positive experience with as little stress as possible. First, I want to be respectful and acknowledge the time and love you've invested with your husband. I'm sure there's a lot more to him and your relationship than what's expressed in your post. From what you have shared, it definitely doesn't seem like your values are aligned and that is extremely important for your marriage and growing family to thrive. I encourage you to stay strong and committed to your values and vision of marriage no matter what he threatens. The fact that he is threatening to betray you at all is not a good sign and not loving at all. I know it might be hard to leave him while being pregnant and potentially raise a child alone, but you will be doing you and your baby a huge favor. I hope that you guys can address this through counseling and commend you for trying to take that step. Stay strong!!

OP, you need to lure him into thinking this is something you want to talk about, and talk about it in writing. He sounds arrogant, so it actually shouldn’t be that hard. Just tell him that when you talk about it face to face, you get intimidated and flustered and don’t know how to talk about it.

Write a “heartfelt letter” to him via email, laying out some of your concerns...write about things like your fear of sharing your body with someone new, or even with him after he’s been with someone new, feelings of embarrassment and shame, etc. This embarrassment and shame will be referred to in your divorce proceedings by your attorney as the inevitable emotional “damage” or “harm” caused to you by your husbands, again inevitable, actions when he DOES cheat on you or forces you to agree to him sleeping with someone in your own home.

Write to him about your concerns about STIs, the negative impact of this arrangement on your children, etc. Talk about how stressful this is to deal with while pregnant. Make him believe that all you need is convincing. Let him explain to you why your concerns are false, let him sound like a douchebag explaining away the impact on the children, etc etc.

Continue the conversations in text message here and there...don’t worry about seeming strong, let yourself come off as weak and indecisive. Mull it over like you’re really scared he might stray if you don’t agree to it. Allow it to seem as if you’re being steamrolled. Protest, but in a way that makes him think you’re just a bit of arm twisting away from him getting his wish.

When you’ve collected enough of his depraved and disgusting words and attempts at bullying you into this, explain to him that you simply cannot agree to this. Something like:

“I’ve tried to see this your way. I have been a dutiful and loving wife, I have done your roll play and nasty talking, I have lowered myself in my own eyes to serve your sexual needs for the entirety of our marriage...but I am completely uncomfortable with this, can never agree to either of us breaking our marriage bond by sleeping with anyone else, and do not consent to this. Think of our children. We need counseling. Please go to counseling with me.”

Let him lose his shit over this. Let him embarrass you more, tell you you’re fat and undesirable or whatever. Make sure you immediately send to yourself/save screenshots of his abusive, vitriolic, and probably threatening replies.

OP— he is absolutely going to do this. He is going to bring a woman into your home. News flash: he has already cheated on you. OP....OP...he has. Your husband has been unfaithful. You are going to be divorced from this man, and he is going to find a couple of women to fuck who will deal with his bullshit, and he’s going to mostly leave you and your baby alone.

The real losers here are his poor children from a previous marriage. This is going to end up sucking hard for them.

OP (original poster) be smart. See the writing on the wall. Do what o said with evidence collecting and then immediately go consult with an attorney and prepare yourself to destroy him so you can come out of this situation with as much of the upper hand financially and in terms of custody as you can POSSIBLY GET. You are going to divorce court —take advantage of the fact that you realize this and he does not and collect what you need to prove adultery (if you can, but at least prove his intent to) and that this relationship is emotionally and verbally and mentally abusive.

YOU WILL NEVER BE SO (significant other) GLAD YOU DID ANYTHING LIKE YOU WILL BE GLAD THAT YOU PAVED AN EASIER WAY FOR YOURSELF IN DIVORCE COURT...DO IT.

If this is how he treats you when you’re married, imagine what he’d stoop to in a divorce. Protect yourself and your rights to your child. Begin now. No lying to yourself or believing a rosy picture that isn’t reality. Fight for your baby.

wow. what a nightmare. i'd go ahead and separate to start. i know you need him and you feel vulnerable right now and he s your husband. maybe he needs time to get hiself over this, but if it's not what you want then walk away now. that shows him you are serious and respect both yourself and him. it would be harder if you wait and this could turn things around but you can't count on anything. fact is, you will be perfectly in love with your baby and single parenting is perfectly fine. your baby needs happy and healthy parents, and seperately is better than unhappy together.

Welp, the truth hurts, but I can’t argue with the logic. You’ve said much of what I’ve thought, just didn’t want to admit that I’ve made such a huge mistake, I guess. And to your point no, I don’t want to bring my son into this mess or have him see/model this disgusting behavior at some point. Thanks for giving it to me straight 💕

he doesn't deserve you, and like sm1 else said, i'm sure there's a lot more to why his first marriage ended than you know. i'm sorry this is happening. you will be far happier away from him.

His behavior is NASTY.. I’ve never known anyone to be that bold and vulgar, I really hope you consider leaving him I know it’s a hard situation but you do NOT want YOUR baby being raised to think that is ok and how a woman should be treated.. it’s unhealthy and nobody should have to go through such stress but treating YOUR PREGNANT WIFE like that? It wasn’t no sacrifice he made to give you a baby... he is making it seem like giving you your first child is a CHORE the way he is acting is manipulative,and greedy don’t feel low about yourself if you do get large beacuse you are pregnant girl

we are all large I personally I’m your situation would keep my distance if you can’t even communicate with this guy how are you going to raise a baby with this guy? You will be better off on your own for sure and since he’s so fond of finding someone who would give him what he wants let him go do that and see how far it takes him Beacuse he’s just going to be begging at your feet.. you don’t need him girl you deserve better someone who will make you feel like the only girl in the world, if you need someone to talk you can message me I’m open ears best luck

Thank you for your kindness. The ultimatum is next, and if things don’t...

Posted
08/05/2019

Thank you for your kindness. The ultimatum is next, and if things don’t change, I’m moving out. I’m terrified as fuck to have this baby on my own, but countless women have done it before, so I’m sure I’ll be fine and figure it out like everyone else.

That’s the tough thing - I’ve asked the question, and he repeatedly says that it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, that it’s not because I’m a bad wife or anything like that. His insecurities and his ego are what’s driving this (his self-analysis, not mine). He even said that he has issues with women leaving (his mom was a single mother and was never around because she always worked to support them, and his ex wife left him while he was in the hospital for a guy with more money) and that’s why he wants two - because if I ever leave him, it’ll hurt less if he has someone else to cushion the blow. That’s why there’s a part of me that hopes with counseling, things may get better. I realize that’s probably a pipe dream though, and it’s a very bitter pill to swallow.

That is the biggest load of BS he's feeding you OP. My ex's father was like this. He was on his 4th wife when I knew them. He would act like all his ex's did him so wrong and left him for no reason and it was "oh poor me" and his family and newest wife ate it and all his other crazy stories right up, but to me as an outsider, it was soooooo obvious how full of it he was. The fact that he's hoping your pregnancy causes your mental health to deteriorate so he can further squish you when you're down is fucking sick.

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