washington romance novels

Arlen Specter Has Creepy, Sexy Thoughts About Sarah Palin’s Knees

Poor old fart Arlen Specter spent thirty years ambling around the Senate floor sneaking up on slow-moving colleagues and torturing them with sermons on political moderation, so we expressed a duly moderate skepticism when the Huffington Post promised us the “steamiest moments” from Specter’s new memoir, about politics. Because, since when do Supreme Court nomination fights make anyone horny? (Quiet down, Chuck Grassley.) But okay, let us fap along to Arlen’s memories: “Still, she [Sarah Palin] was a total charmer, very friendly. The few things she said were intelligent. We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality. Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close.” GAH. Unfap! Unfap!

Interesting choice of context-bare excerpt, though, HuffPo. What revolting thing did Sarah Palin do to make “Still…” the appropriate segue? Let’s go check the manuscr– eh, fuck it. Probably it was something like, “When I first met Sarah Palin, she was licking the leftover sour cream off a stack of Taco Bell taco supreme wrappers. Still, she was a total charmer…” or maybe even “When I first met Sarah Palin, she was high on Xanax and walking around wearing a crown of moose antlers. Still, she was a total charmer…”

We are unsure whether we are supposed to be mad at the left or the right for SEXISM against Palin, since Specter left the Senate as a Democrat but was a Republican at the time he met her. Let’s just say it all evens out, because Specter included his creepy thoughts about naked John Thune, too:

“[Sen.] John Thune, who looked like a movie star in or out of clothes, was constantly stretching. His lanky body seemed to have some kinks to iron out.”

ONE of them? How about the WHOLE FUCKING LOT of them? Jerry Rivers needs to get the fuck outa the media pontificating business tout suite, the dumb asshole. When was he last relevant?

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Barb, I'm gonna lay down some if my super-secret computer ninja skillz on your brain right now. First, google "dog wearing a hoodie". Second, hit images. Third, scroll halfway down the page passed all the ugly-ass chihuahuas an shit and BAM! there I am.

Barb

Okay, I think I understand what you are saying about this Google thingy. My computer is new. Did Google come with the computer or do I have to buy it somewhere like you do Turbo Tax. Would it work if I changed a word and made it "cat wearing a hoodie?"

Are you going to be around later? I need to do laundry and I am not sure if the wet whooshy machine or the hot blowy machine is the one I stick the clothes in first.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

YOU'RE WELCOME! I'm here to help. I might swing by later and lay down a deuce on your front lawn so I can help you with those laundry questions then.
Love ya barb!

Barb

Love ya back!
Now I have to go to the Google and see where I can buy a lawn. I live in the desert and my yard is decorative pebbles, stones and bigger rocks. You can just come inside and make your woobie if you want.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Alpha bitches in bad ass hoodies do not "make a woobie"! I knew talkin to a cat would ruin my street cred.

Barb

First load of laundry is in. Do you know where I can get some of that black market Tide? I want the good, uncut stuff.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

Street Tide? Oh barb, please tell me it hasnt come to that! Sorry, i cant help. I only deal in hallucinogens made from Draino and pirated German lesbian midget bondage porn. I stay away from the hard stuff.

Barb

Do some math for me, please. If I've been recovering for six weeks and Jeffer wears 1 shirt a day, how many shirts am I about to iron?

BigSkullF*ckingDog

I'm no good at math but have you thought about what would happen if the source of your laundry superpowers turned out to be your uterus? Now what are you gonna do? And did I just blow your mind?

Barb

I wish Jeff would take me to the mall and buy me a new uterus. I can live without the cervix though. I'm not even sure what the cervix does.

Ya know how when you are a kid and you lose a tooth and you keep sticking your tongue in the empty space and expect to find something there? I feel that way about Miss Mookie.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

quit sticking your tongue in there.

AbandonHope

I just have to say I LOVE YOU PEOPLE SO MUCH.

And I'm not even drunk or nothin'.

Barb

We love you back!

BigSkullF*ckingDog

I like you, but only in a holdin hands kind of way. Don't expect to get past first base. Oh who am I kidding? Bring a case of decent beer and I'll let you get to third.

dubyatf

It depends of course upon whether you mean Jeff wears a shirt every work day of the week or every week day of the week. Either way, if you hadn't slipped earlier and revealed that you're wealthy, I think we all would've figured it out with your admission re: laundry backup. Holy ancient Chinese secret. That is a LOT of shirtage (pronounced shur-tahzh, natch).
P.S. forgot to tell you the other night when I was tallying up all of our shared supra-mystical coinkidinkage (pronounced koe eenk a deenk ij) that my brother's name is "Woobie." ha, ha! Really, it's Jeff. And get THIS: years ago, when Harrah's opened its first Social Security check cashing emporium in my town, I worked there. . . pregnant pause as we all absorb the uncanniness.
And I think there are a couple of rocks in my yard, too.
If not, there are certainly a few woobies, courtesy of the two (slight to moderately brain damaged) dachshunds who live here.
I feel so close to you that I would gladly share my uterus. Apparently, I'm not using it any more.

Barb

He has tons of shirts. I am just such a neat freak that the wrinkled ones were making me bonkers. I have the urge to switch the winter and summer clothes in the closets.

You worked for Harrah's? Jeffery worked for them for 18 years or so in 5 or 6 cities. Maybe you've met.

What did you do for Harrah's?

dubyatf

My bro spells his name "Jeffery" as well, also furthermore.
Though he really didn't have any say in the matter, to be fair.
At Harrah's (it was on a boat when I worked there though it was permanently moored to the river bank in the attempt to assuage the Puritanical Missouri outrage over gambling on our hallowed soil or something) I was hired to schlepp drinks and be groped. I went to court 4 times in a year to press assault charges. We ("beverage servers"-because that sounds a lot classier than "cocktail waitresses" which-hello, why worry about our official title when we were decked out like high- priced Sandra Flukes?) were also required to empty the ashtrays and swab them out with a rolled up, damp cloth that we referred to as our wienies. By the end of each shift (I worked 8am-5pm) I had an average of $100 bucks in my pocket, after tipping out, and an impermeable glot of cigarette ash under my wienie hand's thumbnail. It was in many ways a gross, dehumanizing job but the people I worked with were the best, funniest, funnest group I have ever had the pleasure to be around. That fact was the saving grace for me. I stuck it out for a year before I took a leave of absence to take care of my mom, who was involved in a head on auto collision, and I ended up not returning.
We had to wear these bustier tops and the casino issued us shoulder pads to stuff under our boobs and make them more assertive.
I remember that the guy who ran the whole deal had a curly hair and a mustache, both shot through with gray. He was attractive, kinda short, and had started his career at Harrah's some years earlier as a bus boy.

Hello Starfangled! I know you are going to think I am full of crap. I love to iron! I love housework and I love to cook. I just started a loaf of bread for my birdies tomorrow. I'm watching the hockey game and I am going to vacuum when they bring out the Zamboni,

I'm tempted to write a memoir. It would totally kick ass and have many exciting excerpts. And since Oprahs not on any more I wouldn't even have to go on her show when everyone found out that I made the whole think up.

Callyson

It's always the boring, quiet ones who turn out to be the true sex freaks…

Mahousu

Newt Gingrich takes strong exception to your remarks.

Dashboard Buddha

Aaaand there goes my boner.

retarded_baboon

Mine almost became a vagina when I got to the part about John Thune. Not cool, man, not cool.

dubyatf

But is it (boner) still orange?

Dashboard Buddha

If I had a dick that looked like Boehner, I'd castrate myself.—

Loaded_Pants

Orange-colored & leaking tears would be a good reason for castration. Just to be on the safe side.

That thought actually crossed my mind too. But I Googled Thune and there were several images of him shirtless so maybe THAT's how he saw him naked. Uh-oh. Specter Googling images of Thune. That might even be worse.

Ol' Arlen was too deaf to hear her paint-stripping voice, which explains his sexy-time thoughts…maybe.

Does he have another chapter in his book about how hot Anita Hill was when she talked about CT, the Coke can and the pubic hair? Jungle fever!

flamingpdog

Or mebbe Arlen faps to audio of fingernails scraping across a blackboard.

Chick-Fil-Atheist™

At least Arlen says (in retrospect) what all these conservatives say in present-day terms — but at least he's saying it out loud, and without a hard-on for Sarah.

Or I'm assuming so, because he is old as fuck.

Sheesko

Gotta be on Viagra, along with a baby aspirin, every day. He has special orders though. He has to seek medical attention immediately If his boner lasts more than 5 minutes. So far, no 911 calls on record.

Clean the toilets? If you're one of Newt's child janitors, you're too young to be reading The Wonket!! Do your homework as soon as you finish.

owhatever

Then I intentionally let my own skirt slide up above my knees, and even higher. Sarah's eyes got big behind those sexy little glasses and she whispered breathlessly, "Arlen, where did you get that outfit?" And I said, "Saks 5th Avenue. I don't wear it in public." I placed a hand on her knee and closed my eyes when she returned the favor, sliding her palm up my thigh.

Doktor StrangeZoom

Dear Politico Forum, I always thought the stories in your column were fake until the following incredible experience…

ttommyunger

" ….not exactly short, but close…” , Specter added, like my dick.

facehead

I see your 'GAH' and two 'unfaps' and I raise you a spanking filled hatefuck.

Your move Wonkette.

BlueStateLibel

You all missed the part where he glimpsed her ankles …now that was hot.

Ted Kennedy In The Hot Tub: "I was in the whirlpool at the Senate gym in 2008, recovering from Hodgkin's, when Ted Kennedy came over and climbed into the bath. Kennedy was one of the Senate's giants, in many ways."

I am convinced that he is just trying to see how outrageous a lie he can tell and still be believed. After all, this is the guy that came up with the "magic bullet" in the Warren Commission report.

SayItWithWookies

Specter found Palin soft-spoken, charming and intelligent? Spoken like a man who could switch political parties at the drop of a hat — hell, he would probably find brussels sprouts and gristle sauteed in goat blood tasty and refreshing.

Thank God he didn't have anything to say about Virginia Fox. Then I would loose my lunch.

Loaded_Pants

When she looked at me with those crossed eyes, I became mesmerized. No…paralyzed. They were two skull marbles of intensity. She undid the top button of her blouse and said to me: "Young man, would you like to visit the 'Dusty Cavern' of North Carolina?"

ElPinche

jeezus christ…..good bye boner.

cheetojeebus

Dear Sirs,
Is it safe to use a wine corkscrew to pull your peen back out of your abdomen?
Yours in discomfort,
Cheeto

I've never given a "thumbs up" to so many stories about frightened gonads.

Chichikovovich

People, we have to stop being so frivolous about Spector's message. There's something deadly serious going on here. I'm sure you've read the same stories as I have about American prisoners of war who were forced to send letters home describing benign treatment, and so would convey messages via oblique cultural or historical references that would not be recognized by prison censors.

You know: "The guards here treat us well, and are really very pleasant – they remind me of jolly Uncle Sherman who visited us in Atlanta that one time on the way to the sea." That sort of thing.

Stay with me here folks: Look at what Spector writes here. It's buried in there, so you could easily miss it:

…things she said were intelligent.

OK, what options do we have here? 1) Perhaps Spector is telling the truth. We can rule that out right away, of course. 2) Perhaps Spector is lying, but believes that he can convince people who have heard Palin many times that what he wrote is the truth. Now this is more plausible, since he did in fact get many people to believe the magic bullet theory. But still, we've got to rule that one out too: there are limits to what people will accept.

Now as Sherlock Holmes is described as saying: "If you eliminate the impossible, then whatever is left, however improbable, is the truth". So I conclude that Arlen Spector was captured by a race of mutant space lobsters from a planet so distant that their only knowledge of earth culture comes from reflected TV transmissions of the Duggar and Kardashian families, plus Michele Bachmann and Ann Coulter. They returned Spector to earth, but are keeping him under unceasing surveillance. He knows this is the one signal he can send that they won't catch, and he's desperately trying to communicate with us before the planned invasion.

….?

Oh yeah? Well they laughed at Einstein too – I don't see any of you coming up with a better explanation of what Spector wrote. You probably believed the Warren commission report.

BlueStateLibel

It's as good a theory as any. Personally, I see it as a cry for help. Desperately needed help.

Doktor StrangeZoom

I actually came close to losing a good friend when I told her that I thought that Gerald Posner's Case Closed presented a pretty good debunking of the JFK conspiracy theories. She said that she'd always thought I was a pretty smart guy, but if I really thought Oswald acted alone, then maybe she was wrong about not only my intelligence, but my basic grasp on reality.

But then when Crash Davis's litany of what he believed in confrmed that I was at least in good fictional company, I felt better about myself.

Chichikovovich

My view has always been, and remains, that it was most likely Oswald alone, just on general principles. a) It is impossible for conspiracies as large and far-reaching as the ones I've heard suggested to be carried out without leaking somewhere. b) The risk involved in killing a president of the US, especially in such a high-profile, public way, were so immense, the consequences upon possible discovery so overwhelmingly negative and the prospective payoff so unclear, that nobody would regard it as a rational bet to take. All of the conspiracy theories I heard involved lots of actors that would have to be highly rational to plan out and play their parts. A lone loony just seemed more likely.

But like a lot of people outside the US, it wasn't a live issue for me – more like the idle historical question of whether or not Shakespeare was really Francis Bacon, which was fashionable in the late nineteenth century. When I first came to the 'States in the mid-80s, I found myself on several occasions trying to extract myself from conversations about the Kennedy assassination that became uncomfortably heated all of a sudden, and I realized that my conversation partner cared a lot more passionately than I did. So it's become one of those topics I just get blandly agreeable about whenever it arises in the real world.

[“The mob in tandem with Castro, eh? Interesting, yes, I can see why someone would believe that. They both had a lot to gain and little to lose by it…."]

Researcher Gaeton Fonzi (later an investigator for the HSCA) wrote that it was his conversation with Spector that gave him the sudden realization "OMG, there really was a conspiracy) — when asked to clear up some details of his own Warren Commission findings Spector replied with awkward hemming and hawing and then distracting bluster.

“Still, she [Sarah Palin] was a total charmer, very friendly. The few things she said were intelligent. We were sitting virtually knee to knee in the cramped bus, and she radiated sensuality. Her skirt rode above her knees — not exactly short, but close.

Then she reached down, between her legs, and eased the seat back. As her skirt rose up, the view of her thong peaked through her sheer panty hose. Almost on command my daily dose of Cialis kicked in and my little buddy "Arlie" started to rise up……."

flamingpdog

And then little Arlie took a cue from Ms. Sarah, and quit rising when he was at halfmast.

Loaded_Pants

The domestic partner unit is pulling overnight shifts at the "chapel" in case some people are discovered to be breathless during the next couple of nights. So I was thinking I'd be fapping it alone this weekend. But I'm sure that this post has killed any possibility of fapping. Instead I'll just look down at "it" in disgust and say: "What is wrong with you things? Look what your kind made Arlen Specter say!"

Heart transplant? Doesn't that imply that at some point he had a heart?

Limeylizzie

Original installation perhaps?

An_Outhouse

The correct term is a heart insert.

rocktonsam

good for Dick.

I'm having extra cheese on my pizza tonight

cheetojeebus

This is so sad. I feel real pain for that new heart. To spend out it's days inside that rancid cage is cruel.

Loaded_Pants

The ooze produced by Cheney's brain has probably found its way south to enclose the innocent unsuspecting new heart in a cold dark shell by now.

Blueb4sunrise

Dern, missed a chance to shit in his chest cavity .

RadioStalingrad

True Story:
The autocratic, but droll, Chairman of Thoracic Surgery at NYU was doing a chest case and some eager beaver medical student was retracting (hangin' hook) and peering into the wound. His glasses fall into the field. Dr. Spencer asks for a clamp and grabs the glasses and flips them over his shoulder. He looks up at the student and dryly says "why didn't you just take a shit in there?" I'm sure that student went into Psychiatry or something other than Surgery.

Blueb4sunrise

and now that student posts at American Thinker and NRO.

Serfville

MMM K… I will trrrry to be nice. Wouldn't it be funny or ironic or weird if The Evil One kicked it on the holy of holies sabbath day Sunday? Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Biff

Tick-tock…

ThundercatHo

Hard to believe that being a totally evil, corrupt, nasty, lying, power-hungry mother fucker doesn't remove one from the transplant list.

An_Outhouse

I heard it on good authority that the heart was from a lesbian environmentalist and not from a small child as previously rumored.
UPDATE BREAKING NEWS BELOW:

An_Outhouse

Never mind, it was pig heart from the local butcher.

BarackMyWorld

This is 12 years too late.

LetUsBray

Look, I am not filling out one of those damn organ donor cards if there's even the slightest chance Dick the Undead is getting my heart or anything else for that matter. What would the poor fuck who supplied the heart have thought in their final moment if s/he'd known that's where their heart was going. Just fucking horrible.

Geminisunmars

Maybe we can have on the back of our driver's license: Organ donor, except in case of Cheney.

rocktonsam

Betcha Dick has bodies hooked up to machines just waiting to have organs harvested in his secret hide out.

Loaded_Pants

Hmm. Maybe there should be a organ donor policy in place so donors can specify who can or cannot get their organs. The idea that my heart/kidney/whatever going into someone like, say, Karl Rove horrifies me.
But then again, it might lead to a lot of people writing in "No Jews" or "No blacks".

Imagine how many donors they had to reject before they found a heart small enough to fit Dick Cheney.
~

Chichikovovich

No snark, just an observation. Cheney is 71 years old, and not a particularly robust physical specimen even aside from the age and bad heart. There are always more patients in need of hearts than there are recipients, and so this old man was moved ahead of some people much younger, who have much more of their lives to live, and perhaps young children.

[Though it occurs to me perhaps the drastic weight loss he has displayed recently was not a result of ill health as people have speculated, but rather required in order to be eligible for the transplant. Perhaps he was able to pull strings to get a heart into a 71-year old, but putting a precious donor heart into an obese 71-year old may have been a bridge too far.]

LetUsBray

And that's the other thing: The old fucker has had like 14 heart attacks already. Clearly hearts just don't do so well in that environment. So I agree, it looks really fishy that he got one, like he threatened to waterboard and/or shoot in the face whoever's in charge of divvying up the spare parts at his local hospital.

RadioStalingrad

Politics in transplants? No, no, Chich. The medical profession, especially hospital administrators, are highly ethical. BTW, did i mention that Inova Health System made $230 million in 2010 and $130 million in 2011 as a "not for profit?"

flamingpdog

Called a "left ventricular assist device," or LVAD, that device took over the job of the heart's main pumping chamber, powered by special batteries worn in a fanny pack.

Heh, heh, I don't even need that fancy internetz anagram web site to know that LVAD is an anagram of VLAD.

Negropolis

I'm so going to hell, because when I heard it on TV, at the very least I said "meh", and at the very worst I may have uttered "oh, that's really too bad." I'll leave you all to guess which one.

where are those Obamacare Death Panels when you really need them, amirite?

eaglewon

dang, Arlen, why didn't you just stick your hand up her dress? You're an old geezer, you can get away with it.

flamingpdog

Probably afraid he might get bitten if he stuck it up far enough.

salt_bagel

50 Shades of Greying.

Pragmatist2

Dicke Cheney has a heart transplant and there is NO Wonkette piece? I know it is Saturday but people have needs and if they aren't met, bad things will happen.
So put that snarky Cheney comment boiling up inside you right here by hitting the "Reply" button now.

Biff

Goddamned Obamacare!

rocktonsam

I think most people give don't a rats ass about this prick.

swordfis

May I just take this opportunity to say that I'm not over the previous article yet and I want to reiterate that Newt Gingrich is a bloated cancer pustule?

tessiee

In much the same way that Newt is a stupid person's idea of what a smart person sounds like, $arah is a stupid person's idea of what a sexy woman looks and acts like.

Straight men of the wonketteverse, please feel free to jump in if you disagree, but $arah strikes me as a cocktease extraordinaire who would be a terrible lay. Even setting aside the buzzsaw hitting a nail voice, she's completely devoid of the slightest giving impulse or any genuine sensuality; a lot of narcissistic showin' off (compounded by pretendin' it was an accident) seems to be about the most she'd be capable of.

Wile E. Quixote

Everyone just be thankful naked Joe Lieberman didn’t come up.

Damn, and here I was hoping for some hot Joe Lieberman/Larry Craig slashfic.