Things That Make Me Die Inside (Vol. 14)

There’s this thing called Idol Camp, and everything about it screams “Cult!” I seriously thought this was a spoof, you know, on someone’s snarky pop culture blog, before I saw the Fox logo at the very bottom. I love how they promise “performing artists*” and the * says “Confirmation to participate pending.” Tuition is $2900. That’s disgusting. $2900 for 10 days and the assurance that “Attending Idol Camp will not result in placement on American Idol, nor will it provide any advantage in the American Idol audition process.” Sigh. I wish this was a joke. But no, they advertise “ten magic-filled days.” Huh? I wonder what a typical day is like…

8-9 Breakfast — Coca-Cola9-10 Swimming — Bikini/cutoffs required. Learn Randy’s special stroke: dawg-paddling10-11 Melisma11-noon Lanyard-making — Simon offers withering critiques via “satellite video,” but it’s actually just a loop of the same seven putdowns Noon-1 Lunch — Paula’s Magic Juice. Getcha goin’!1-3 Seminar — Determining that you’re not actually a good singer: The time is now!3-5 Sing, if you have to5-6 Dinner — Coca-Cola7-10 Seminar — Becoming a mass-market commodity: You as you are = boring; You as a character = opportunity!8:30 Snack — Coca-Cola10 Lights out — there are only 12 bunks, but 14 of you campers. Who wants it more? Go!