Warning: Your television set is about to be slammed with a deluge of new shows containing everything from vampires and cyborgs to super comic-book agents and headless horsemen wielding assault rifles.

Yes, it sounds absolutely terrifying, but we're here for you. What follows are bite-sized takes on the fall fare. Just proceed with caution and have your remote control out of its holster:

MONDAY

"Sleepy Hollow" (9 p.m., Fox; Sept. 16): A nutty new take on Washington Irving's classic short story whisks Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) to the present, where he teams up with a sheriff (Nicole Beharie) to hunt down the Headless Horseman and other baddies. Bottom line: We're not losing our head over this show.

"The Blacklist" (10 p.m., NBC; Sept. 23): Think "Alias"-meets-"Silence of the Lambs." A master criminal (James Spader) turns himself into the FBI and strikes a deal: He will help federal officials track down terrorists, but on one condition: He only works with a pretty rookie agent (Megan Boone). Bottom line: Spader is mesmerizing, but can the show sustain its premise?

Advertisement

"Hostages" (10 p.m., CBS; Sept. 23): Just hours before an elite surgeon (Toni Collette) is due to cut open the president, a rogue FBI agent (Dylan McDermott) abducts her family and orders her to kill the Prez -- or kiss her loved ones goodbye. Bottom line: The provocative premise is marred by actions that feel predictable and familiar.

"We Are Men" (8:30 p.m., CBS; Sept. 30): In this annoying comedy, four unlucky-in-love bachelors (Tony Shalhoub, Jerry O'Connell, Kal Penn and Chris Smith) nurse their emotional wounds in an apartment complex. Bottom line: Just the sight of O'Connell in a Speedo was enough to scare us away forever.

"Brooklyn Nine-Nine" (8:30 p.m., Fox; Sept. 17): There are shades of "Barney Miller" in this cop comedy that pits an immature cutup of a detective against his dour, straight-laced captain (Andre Braugher). Bottom line: This has the potential to be the season's best new comedy.

"Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." (8 p.m., ABC; Sept. 24): In this spinoff of "The Avengers" movie franchise, Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) assembles a team of top-secret agents (including Ming-Na Wen) who investigate threats to humanity. Bottom line: We expected more of a "wow" factor from the Joss Whedon-directed pilot, but there's enough wit, flash and promise to lure us back.

"The Goldbergs" (9 p.m., ABC; Sept. 24): Mix "Malcolm in the Middle" with VH1's "I Love the '80s," and you've got a loud, raucous and warmhearted comedy about a family (headed by Jeff Garlin and Wendi McLendon-Covey) just trying to get by in the era of "Pac Man" and "Star Wars." Bottom line: It had us almost warming up to REO Speedwagon. Almost.

"Trophy Wife" (9:30 p.m., ABC; Sept. 24): A reformed party girl (Malin Akerman) marries an older man (Bradley Whitford), becoming his third spouse and a stepmom to three kids in a modern kind of family. Bottom line: With her infectious energy, Akerman is so funny and charming that we bet viewers will be wedded to this show.

"Lucky 7" (10 p.m., ABC; Sept. 24): The lives of seven very different gas station employees are forever changed -- and maybe not all for the better -- when they strike it rich in the lottery. Bottom line: The snappy pilot had its charms, but we foresee lots of trite, money-can't-buy-you-happiness moralizing ahead.

"The Originals" (8 p.m., The CW; Premieres at 9 p.m. Oct. 3, then moves to its regular time slot Oct. 8): Ready for some Klaus encounters? This moody "Vampire Diaries" spinoff transports the beloved villain (Joseph Morgan) and his hot half-siblings to New Orleans. Let the feeding begin. Bottom line: "VD" fans will want to sink their fangs into this one.

WEDNESDAY

"Back in the Game" (8:30 p.m., ABC; Sept. 25): A divorced single mother and former softball standout (Maggie Lawson) moves in with her gruff, beer-guzzling father (James Caan), who takes issue with how she parents -- and coaches -- her son. Bottom line: This amiable comedy, with touches of "The Bad News Bears," hits at least a solid double, if not a home run.

"Super Fun Night" (9:30 p.m., ABC; Oct. 2): Rebel Wilson (sans Aussie accent) plays a socially inept single woman who sets aside Friday nights to stay inside and hang with her pajama-clad besties. But that tradition is endangered when she scores a promotion at her law firm and gets invited to a trendy party by a hunky co-worker. Bottom line: Super fright night is more like it. This show is so painful and cringe-inducing that it's scary.

"Ironside" (10 p.m., NBC; Oct. 2): This blast from the past stars Blair Underwood as the detective-in-a-wheelchair made famous by Raymond Burr. However, his Ironside is more surly and sexy. Bottom line: Blair makes for a compelling lead in what is otherwise a standard procedural.

"The Tomorrow People" (9 p.m., The CW; Oct. 9): Remember "Heroes"? This sci-fi drama stars Robbie Amell (cousin of Stephen) as a teen who learns that he's part of a supersecret group of people who possess supernatural powers. Bottom line: Stale and overly familiar, "Tomorrow" feels very much like yesterday's superhero origin stories.

THURSDAY

"The Millers" (8:30 p.m., CBS; Oct. 3): A news reporter's (Will Arnett) divorce leads to disaster when his parents (Margo Martindale and Beau Bridges) decide to split, and his mom moves in with him. Lots of fart and toilet jokes ensue. Bottom line: This stinker of a sitcom wastes a solid cast.

"The Crazy Ones" (9 p.m., CBS; Sept. 26): Robin Williams returns to series television as a kooky genius who leads a Chicago advertising agency alongside his more uptight daughter (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Bottom line: We weren't crazy about the pilot, penned by David E. Kelley. But there are some good belly laughs here, and Williams has great chemistry with Gellar and co-star James Wolk. We're in.

"The Michael J. Fox Show" (9:30 p.m., NBC; premieres at 9 p.m. Sept. 26 with two episodes): With a premise that mirrors his own real-life comeback story, Fox plays a news anchor who retired to focus on his health and family, which includes Betsy Brandt as his wife. Now, five years later, he's returning to work. Bottom line: Fox is as charming and funny as ever -- even when playing his Parkinson's for laughs.

"Welcome to the Family" (8:30 p.m., NBC; Oct. 3): Cultures and fathers (Mike O'Malley and Ricardo Chavira) clash when a white family and a Latino family struggle to come together after their teen kids fall in love. Bottom line: Unremarkable and mostly unfunny. Welcome to cancellation.

"Sean Saves the World" (9 p.m., NBC; Oct. 3): Sean Hayes hams it up as a divorced gay dad trying to juggle work, a pushy mom (Linda Lavin) and a teen daughter (Sami Isler). Bottom line: There may be no saving this broad comedy, which suffers from a bad case of the blahs.

"Once Upon a Time in Wonderland" (8 p.m., ABC; Oct. 10): This "Once Upon a Time" spinoff goes down the rabbit hole to follow the adventures of a new-look, kick-butt Alice (Sophie Lowe). John Lithgow plays the White Rabbit. Bottom line: Unavailable for review.

"Reign" (9 p.m., The CW; Oct. 17): It's a European history lesson, brought to you by The CW! Adelaide Kane plays a young Mary, Queen of Scots in a sudsy saga filled with love, sex, betrayal and heaping doses of poetic license. Bottom line: Talk about veering way off brand. Kane is a star-in-the-making, but can she and her costume-clad cast mates pull in the "Gossip Girl" crowd?

FRIDAY

"MasterChef Junior" (8 p.m., Fox; Sept. 27): Aspiring chefs ages 8 to 13 get to show off their culinary skills. But will temperamental Gordon Ramsay be able to hold his tongue around the youngsters? Bottom line: Unavailable for review.

"Dracula" (10 p.m., NBC; Oct. 25): In this drearily "reimagined" saga, the classic vamp (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) comes to Victorian London posing as an American entrepreneur. His real mission? To wreak vengeance on those who cursed him with immortality centuries earlier. Bottom line: Put a stake in it.

"Enlisted" (9:30 p.m., Fox; Nov. 8): In this "Stripes"-like military comedy, three brothers (Geoff Stults, Chris Lowell and Parker Young) are forced to work together when they're assigned to a small Florida Army base teeming with lunkheads and misfits. Bottom line: We salute this over-the-top but surprisingly charming effort.

SUNDAY

"Masters of Sex" (10 p.m., Showtime; Sept. 29): This explicit, taboo-tackling period piece follows the life and times of sex-research pioneers Williams Masters and Virginia Johnson (Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan). Bottom line: It's a compelling and revelatory drama that ultimately has more than just sex on the brain.

"Betrayal" (10 p.m., ABC; Sept. 29): In this soapy slog-fest, a photographer (Hannah Ware) starts an extramarital affair with a man (Stuart Townsend) who winds up facing off against her prosecutor husband (Chris J. Johnson) in a murder trial. Bottom line: Grim and dismal, this is no affair to remember.

"Witches of East End" (10 p.m., Lifetime; Oct. 6): Loosely based on a novel of the same name (not John Updike's), this wicked drama follows a family of witches (including Julia Ormond) who live in East Haven, a sleepy, secluded seaside town, where some bizarre things are going down. Bottom line: Unavailable for review.

ODESSA, Texas (AP) — A West Texas man has been charged with impersonating an officer by using sirens and flashing lights to skip to the head of the drive-thru line at a fast-food restaurant. Full Story

Sufjan Stevens, "Carrie & Lowell" (Asthmatic Kitty) Plucked strings and pulsing keyboards dominate the distinctive arrangements on Sufjan Stevens' latest album, and in the absence of a rhythm section, they serve to keep time. Full Story