Izzie/George/Callie: This is where it hits the proverbial fan

Oh, Izzie – if you had gotten what was really coming to you, then you wouldn’t be keeping your roommates awake with loud, heaving sobs over the injustices of love and life. And Callie wouldn’t be silent and stone-faced as she goes to bed alone.

But I suppose violence is never the answer, and this isn’t Dynasty, so my hopes of a knock-down, drag-out fight leaving Izzie lying bruised and immobile on the floor were never to be reality. That said – the verbal smackdown Callie lays on Izzie in the end? Pretty awesome, as non-violent confrontations go.

That’s good, because the “I forgive you” Callie gives George upon his confession of infidelity just doesn’t cut it. This is a woman who has been wronged in a big way, and marriage vows or no, she needs to put the hurt on somebody bad – preferably someone whose name rhymes with “busy” or “forge.”

And the whole High Noon thing from the preview, where Callie demands that Izzie meet her at 12 o’clock – “You, me, cafeteria. Be there.” What is this, Saved by the Bell? Does anyone really think Callie’s going to go all cage-fighter on Izzie in front of everyone? Well, Izzie seems to believe it, and she’s gearing up for a fight. Oh, dear.

In other screwed-up romance news, Derek nuzzles Meredith’s neck on the elevator and asks her to go on a romantic getaway with him. But wouldn’t that violate the laws of this friends with benefits thing they have going? Derek says no, because it would be 48 hours of uninterrupted nookie. Well, he doesn’t use the word “nookie,” but if he did, it would be pretty sweet. We know what he means. Anyway, Mer’s up for it.

She’s got to find somebody to take her Saturday shift, which is no problem because Alex will happily pick it up if Meredith can take one of his interns, Norman – last week’s lovable oldster, remember? Mer’s working with Mark today, and he instructs her and Norman to go and break the news to a patient that she’s dying. Easy-breezy, right?

Of course not. Norman does a shoddy job of consoling the patient, who cries more than Izzie, Callie and Lexie combined so far this season. Mark asks his underlings how the whole thing went, and Mer is forced to admit it could have been better for poor Ms. Bitzer. Wait a minute, Mark says. Ms. Bitzer is not dying; she’s just there to have a mole removed! Turns out Norman misread the room number for the dying patient and has just caused Ms. Bitzer a lot of unnecessary trauma. Even worse – Ms. Bitzer is nowhere in sight when they go to clear up the misunderstanding.

Cristina’s in a sour mood this week, which should come as no surprise, since Cristina’s generally a sour person – but man, are her interns feeling her wrath. This is particularly true of Lexie, er, “Three,” who seems to be Cristina’s whipping girl for the day. “You’re the new nazi,” Meredith tells Cris, who takes it as a serious compliment. “Damn right I am.”

They’re dealing with a young patient, Adam, who looks pretty mangled and is in all sorts of pain from a football injury. He’s still wearing his helmet and the docs have to saw it off his head, which looks pretty cool. Anyway, is the man in the room barking orders his coach? “I’m his dad,” the man says. “And my coach,” Adam adds. Haven’t we seen this story a hundred times before? An After-School Special, maybe? Family Ties?

Anyway, this could be Lexie’s opportunity to shine but Cristina’s having none of it. She’s all criticism, all the time. Adding another dimension to the OR ugliness, Derek comes to Lexie’s rescue and promptly puts Cristina in her place. On one hand, Derek makes a good point about Cristina needing to be Lexie’s teacher, not her torturer, but on the other hand I can’t help but wonder if he’s just doing it because Lexie is Meredith’s sister. Whatever the case, Cristina is not liking it.

Not only is Derek sticking up for Lexie when Cristina’s being a bully, he’s being friendly with her in more than just an,”I’m your attending, you’re my intern” sort of way. No, don’t panic; nobody’s doing anything dirty or even remotely implicit of dirty things. They’re just friendly, and the topic of most of their friendly conversations is Meredith. Cristina wastes no time telling Mer, who is again threatened by Lexie. Looks like it’s going to be a bit longer before the sisters Grey start having sleepovers, braiding each other’s hair and watching Gilmore Girls reruns together.

The chief has got a family situation of his own to contend with. His niece, Camille (Camille Winbush), who you may remember as looking completely different in the season two finale, is back with a cancer relapse. She’s ready to stop fighting and spend the last days of her life at home with her family, but her mother and Aunt Adele want her to consider more treatment. Richard, naturally, is caught between his duties as a doctor and his family obligations. I’m really not sure why this all falls on his shoulders; ultimately, Camille is an adult and can refuse treatment if she chooses. But I suppose since Richard and Adele haven’t had any drama since the miscarriage last season, the writers needed some more death and despair to shake things up.

Elsewhere in Seattle Grace, Callie is on a case with George(!) and Izzie(!!) and is understandably a bit tense. Appropriately, the patient is Ruthie, a woman with a broken/fractured/sprained something or other, which she endured during an intense workout session to keep off the weight her boyfriend wanted her to lose. She’s recently lost 40 pounds in exchange for her boyfriend giving up smoking, and they’ve decided to move in together once making good on their promises.

But Ruthie’s trim figure is hiding some pretty serious health issues, since she dropped the pounds in a less-than-healthy way and has been working her body way too hard, hence the injury. Callie, all too familiar with trying to keep a man who wants a “supermodel,” has little patience with Ruthie’s obnoxious boyfriend, and they exchange some heated words. Save it all for Izzie and George, Callie.

If Izzie doesn’t get it from Callie, she’s teetering on the edge of getting it from Alex. Why she chooses to confide in him, of all people, about sleeping with George is anybody’s guess. This is a guy who nursed a major crush on her for practically two seasons, and she rubs it in his face that she’s doing someone he considers far inferior? I loved Alex and Izzie together but I’m almost glad he’s moved on now. “I’m embarrassed for you,” he says disgustedly.

As for that 12 o’clock showdown, well, I personally think it’s Izzie who winds up looking ridiculous, but Callie sees it as a major humiliation for herself. “Let’s go,” Izzie says, removing her earrings and getting into fighting stance. Callie, of course, just wants to talk and leaves the room in near-tears when she sees everyone in the cafeteria staring at her. Geez, I was only joking about that Saved by the Bell reference. Where’s Zack Morris with his magic “time-out” when you need him, anyway?

Oh, and by the way, that look of despair and terror that keeps falling over Izzie’s face this episode? Save the drama for your mama, Iz. You’ve slept with a married man and are now trying to get him to leave his wife for you. People are mad at you. How are any of these reactions coming as a surprise?

I have to admit that I am pleasantly surprised by Lexie this episode. Just as I feared she was going become the resident cry-baby, she stands up to Cristina. “My name is Lexie, not Three,” she says sternly. I think Cris is genuinely surprised. OK, so she is still calling her Three by the end of the episode, but nobody is crying (in this storyline, anyway), so that’s a plus.

Meredith, meanwhile, has not only lost her non-dying patient, Ms. Bitzer, she’s also lost Norman the intern. He resurfaces a while later with Ms. Bitzer in tow, having visited her apartment to tell her of an “outstanding bill.” Surprisingly, she’s in much better spirits now and boasts that she’s quit her job, broken up with her loser boyfriend, given up her apartment and is moving to Iceland! (Seriously – Iceland?)

“You are not going to die. You are going to live – hopefully for a very long time,” Meredith announces cheerily. Wow, I have never seen anyone so upset to find out they’re not going to die. Ms. Bitzer reverts back to blubbering. “Do you know how hard it is to find an apartment – with parking?” she shouts between sniffles. No worries – her mood is sunny again when she and the hospital reach a settlement that lands her a pretty sweet setup in Reykjavik.

Ah, if only things were that pretty for Callie’s anorexic/workout-addicted patient and her meanie boyfriend. Having suddenly began vomiting (ew) blood (ewww), Ruthie is dead, and Callie doesn’t exactly deliver the news sympathetically. “She was healthy 20 pounds ago; you just wanted her to be hot!” Callie screams and lunges for the guy like a rabid spider monkey (thank you, Talledega Nights). George and Bailey break it up before any more bones get broken, and Bailey lets Callie have it for jeopardizing her career – no doubt thinking she would have handled the chief resident position so much better. Yes, Bailey, you’re better at this stuff and much more deserving; we get it.

I understand why Callie is a wreck. Plus, the guy was a jerk and needed a good smack upside the head, anyway. But what I don’t get is why Izzie is all tears and “poor, poor me” this episode. Sitting on the floor of the hallway like a little kid who’s been put in time out, she’s perturbed that Alex passes her by without talking to her. “So you hate me, too?” Now it all comes out. He’s not just mad because she’s in love with a married man, or even so much that it’s George – he’s upset that it wasn’t him. “You told me you weren’t ready to be with anyone. Then you go and sleep with O’Malley… and you tell me like I’m one of your chick friends,” he says. I feel you, Alex, I do.

But seriously, next to the tongue-lashing Callie gives her, that’s small potatoes. Iz catches Callie in the hall and says she’s sorry, first about the cafeteria thing, and second, about sleeping with her husband. Can we just hug and be friends now? Sorry, Blondie. Callie starts to walk away, which ticks me off because she has so much anger bottled up, but then she stops and, whoa, here it comes.

I’d rewrite the whole speech here if I remembered it correctly, and if it wouldn’t take up several more paragraphs, but the highlights are here. The gist is that Callie’s instinct told her not to trust Izzie a long time ago, but she convinced herself that she was crazy and that there was nothing going on. “You took something from me, like a petty little thief,” she growls. And my favorite – “You did this to another woman. Don’t you dare come asking me for forgiveness, you traitorous bitch.” Wow. Maybe it is Dynasty after all. (And despite the hair colors being reversed, Izzie would so be the Alexis to Callie’s Krystle.)

As an aside, let me tell you that the first time I saw this episode, it was in a public place where the TVs were running with no sound. And that confrontation between Callie and Izzie? All eyes were on that TV trying to figure out what the heck was being said. Props to Sara Ramirez – she’s got the expressions and body language to convey emotion without a single word being audible.

Did that put Izzie in her place? Probably not, because you know she’s going to continue trying to snag George for herself. Predictably, she goes home and cries loudly, prompting Alex to enter (in a muscle tee!) and give her some tissues. Aww. “Keep it down,” he says, which basically means, I care about you, but shut the eff up already.

George finds Callie outside looking sad in the rain and has the nerve to give her a hard time about saying she forgives him when she really doesn’t. “You’re right,” she says somberly. “I don’t forgive you.” This is the part where she’s supposed to turn around and snap his weak little neck… but alas, she restrains herself. I wonder if Callie has seen Kill Bill. She should. That Uma Thurman could give her some tips.

So where do Meredith and Derek fall in this mix? It’s not looking good, and even though Derek has done his share of moronic things in this relationship (neglecting to tell Mer he was married, leaving Meredith for Addison, “walking away” when Mer chose him over Finn, etc.), Meredith is just being stupid. She’s ticked that he’s been talking to Lexie, yet she doesn’t want to be with him the way he wants her. What do him and Lexie talk about, anyway?

Well, Mer, they mostly talk about you, and all the things Derek wants to say to your face that you won’t have. Like how he wants to marry her, have kids with her, other cheesy stuff and yet more cheesy stuff that I’m blocking out because I can’t stand the drivel that comes out of this cheeseball’s mouth sometimes. Yes, Derek accepts that she’s not ready, and he’s willing to wait for her. Mer breathes a sigh of relief. Not so fast – he’ll wait, that is, unless somebody a little more mature and less dysfunctional comes along first.

Somebody less dysfunctional than Meredith? Ladies, you may as well start lining up now.