The Best of the Worst of FML #85

Here's a selection of some of the worst, unpublishable FMLs we've received over the years. Read them and get eye-bleach!

Hello everyone! It's not the first Monday of the month, due to the Labor Day special, it's Wednesday instead… Anyway here's FML's monthly Best of the Worst of FML!

Even more proof that the internet is full of people who can claim that reality is stranger than fiction.

For the people who've never seen this section of FML before, we get sent loads of FMLs, but we only publish a few, due to the fact that most aren't very good, and some are downright terrifying. Amongst those, we also get sent very dumbass stories. Or "bollocks" as I like to call them. That's what we post in this feature.

Now, get ready, be prepared.

Frustration

the machine is broke N no no no one is there why it’s always me that has to do THE SHIT NO ONE WANTS TO DO...*kicks the machine in frustration*

Dying

fuck feel like dying from sense infection ?

Ass

today in the bathroom during a hang out partyI tryed to eat my own ass. My mother had to take me to the hospital for a slipped disc..

Master What?

Today, I realized I haven't had sex in 3 months and haven't mastered-bathed in a while. No guys that are up to my standards are coming towards my way so I can't change that. FUCK MY LIFE. FML

Lol Tolhurst

I hide my phone in my rolls of fat to hide it from parents because I was grounded. Lol

Oddly Specific

Today, I had a McDonald's hash brown for breakfast. I was going to have that and an egg McMuffin with just egg and the English muffin. Nothing else. When I get my food, it was a hash brown and a egg McMuffin with just English Muffin and ham. And the guy rung it up wrong. FML

I Dead

Today, i wanted to say, that i died april 1st, 2011. i lived in washington, where the white house was. the president wasnt there. it was all a lie. you stupid ones. f ur life. i had to tslk to people so FML

Samsung j3 Luna

Today, I tried downloading a live wallpaper for my samsung j3 Luna pro off of google play. However, I discovered that it is impossible to put a live wallpaper on. None of the tips I've tried are working. FML

Myers Briggs is BS

Today, I decided to put an end to an on and off relationship and pursue an amazing girl I work with. Turns out 7 other guys are pursuing her at the moment, one of them is like a brother to me and another one being an ENTJ classy guy well in his 40. She is an INTJ. They get along amazingly. FML

Bonner

Today, OK, so today at school, I was watching some of that juicy pornhub on the risers outside (and just so you know the risers didn't have bars to keep people from falling so) and my crush walks up behind me and goes, "what the fuck are you doing" and so I get scared and fall back with a Bonner facing her. FML

That's it for now. We'll be back next month for some more weirdness, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself while they are being sent in by using the Moderate the FMLs feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird stories to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies!

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Have you just experienced an FML moment? Feel like sharing it with the other FML users? Your instinct was right, because it’s good to laugh life off. Follow the instructions below, and if your story gets through the moderation process, it'll published in the next 24 hours.

Your story must start with “Today,” and end with “FML”. TXT language is forbidden and spelling mistakes hurt people’s eyeballs, so the use of either would result in the direct dismissal of your FML. Don’t use this space for discussions, advertising or spam, or for posting anything which isn’t an FML. Furthermore, it’s not possible to obtain badges by posting keywords, so stop believing things you’ve read on message boards. Don’t try reposting old FMLs, we’re not that daft.