The New Reality #3

Everyone knows how much I love reality TV. As far as I’m concerned television writers are just not capable of emulating the kind of entertainment that our fellow man can produce. Literally speaking; you can not make this stuff up. The magic formula for the kind of show that I enjoy is to put the perfect amount of craziness in a pot, slowly turn up the heat, stir, and then just watch the hilarity ensue.

I’ve been working on reality show ideas that I would personally enjoy for some time now. If you missed them, please check out ‘The New Reality’ #I and #II . I guarantee you will love them or my name is not Chuck Barris and I am not a CIA assassin. My newest obsession is with Gypsies; I just can’t seem to get enough of their quirky shenanigans! Again, If you have not read Meet The Gypsies I suggest you do so now. So, I came up with a reality show just for them. This was a daunting task; to give the viewer a proper introduction into the daily lives of European Gypsies, and somehow, make their monotonous, boring lives at least somewhat entertaining. So I now give you…..

Gypsy Wars-

This would be loosely based on the internet sensation ‘Mafia Wars.’ We would follow a group of 8 gypsy families as they fight, stab, steal, and intoxicate themselves in an effort to win the title of Top Gypsy Clan. Each week, two families will vie for supremacy in a variety of skills challenges and competitions for the right to move on to the next round. Some of the preliminary challenges will include….

Small knife but big fucking stick fighting- Our Gypsy warriors will each be armed with a three inch bladeand a really big fucking stick to battle it out in hand to hand combat. The victor can win by (A)-Knocking his opponent out. (B)-Stabbing his opponent into unconsciousness. (C)-Making his opponent tap out. (D)- And by FAR the most common; making his opponent run away screaming “Puta, Puta,” only to come back ten minutes later in a fit of demonic rage yet somehow be miraculously held back by his 90lb girlfriend. – He really, really wants to continue fighting but can never seem to break free of the ferocious womanly grip. Never the less, this challenger loses. The winner will be awarded 10 points for his clan, the sexual partner of his choosing, and the lion’s share of the ‘Iron Stomach’ challenge.

Iron Stomach- This challenge is a clan-wide competition, even the tots can play! It will be a happy mix of ‘Fear Factor,’ a drinking contest, and ‘Top Chef.’ The competitors will dive into the city dumpsters to find the days consumables by opening trash bags, jamming what they find into their mouths, and then occasionally spiting it back out onto their shirts. Then after gathering the culinary delights, they will consult with the clan’s sommelier to determine whether to go with the homemade hooch or buy a 99 cent bottle of rubbing alcohol, strain it through a loaf of bread, and add it to the 50 cent box wine that has been previously stolen. The rules now become very simple; the clan that has the most members consume the meal and drink, but has the fewest clan members throw up….wins! As a bonus to the losers, all members who die will be fewer mouths to feed the following day. So really, there are no losers. Well, except the dead Gypsies.

Project Gypsy Runway- These Gypsy fashionistas will root through dumpsters, steal from charity shops, andbeg from people on the street to come up with the season’s hottest avant-garde Gypsy look. *This challenge was inspired just today as a passing gypsy asked my wife for the shirt she was wearing. Seriously.

Find that vein- These lucky contestants will pick a needle, any needle, off of the ground in front of their home, give it a cursory rinse with stream water, and prepare to use it. Some of the syringes will contain Hep. B, some will contain the HIV, some will contain ‘God knows what else,’ but they will all contain very low-grade heroin. The anxiety inducing part of the challenge will be finding a healthy, usable vein now that they have a loaded syringe ready. They have to be careful not to hit the radial artery in their hand though, or they will end up having to have a few fingers amputated….again. The irony in this challenge lies in the fact that to win this ‘immunity’ challenge, they will most likely contract a contagious disease. –I decided to add this challenge after learning that this is an event that they practice for daily.

Next week I will reveal the final few ‘Gypsy Wars’ games, and the wonderful prizes to be won! And as always; I’m open to ideas and suggestions!

Dianne. I’m seriously going to check to see if I can download it. That sounds like exactly my kind of thing. Especially since I hate suburban bullshit and phoniness.

Your idea sounds phenomenal. I wonder if I could get a grant from the Spanish government? I know that all my crazy drunken neighbors would be all for it. Make the whole area into a compound. Very good idea!

You are right, these are stellar ideas. So stellar in fact, we may have to incorporate them into our other business that we are incorporating. I don’t want to say it out loud in case someone pilfers it, but you know…the one that rhymes with “Bunique greeting cards”… (is Bunique a word?)

I just had a question…will the contestants be playing for a cause? You know,like the winners on shows like “The Apprentice” or “Surreal Life” (yeah right) do? Only because i think it would be a little selfish for them to keep all the money for themselves,what with so many out there who are less fortunate.

Like the abandoned animals,for instance…or kids who never got to go to camp.

Oh, and by the way, I agree. Dirty needles are totally fine, as long as you rinse them out…or at least give them a good rub down on your shirt sleeve.

If futerely isn’t a word then there is no way that Bunique is a word. Unless we decide to make it a word. If Colbert can do it, I can do it! I have just as much ego, I’m way funnier, way more loved, better in bed, and way humbler. Shit, is humbler a word? Well if its not, I’ll make it one.

I’m not sure about the prizes, yet. I plan to sort out all of that by next week. I’ve already saved abandoned animals. I got my beautiful cat out of a tied up trash bag when he was a kitten. I saved his brother as well, and gave it away. –I’m not even joking about that; I have to do a post on it. Now I’m terrified to go anywhere near the dumpsters; I don’t want to get bitten by a feral Gypsy either. What kind of camp are you lobbying for?

A cursory rinse is way better than a cleaning. Especially if you once failed to remove all of the bleach and turned 3 inches of your arm black until you finally went to the emergency room. Wouldn’t you think bleach would turn your arm white?? Huh. That’s a mistake you don’t want to make twice!

It was more for selfish reasons than anything else. Had I gotten smutty (smutty?) with it, it would have provided humorous anecdotes to the audience but I would have been left with the horrifying visuals. Once I am able to take a few pics of them you’ll know what I mean.

My world is beautiful Claire, everything I touch is beautiful! The scary gypsies are kept to their own, don’t worry. They are not sophisticated enough for a hostage/ransom plan either. They pretty much make the crackhead who steal aluminum siding off of houses look like Bernie Madoff.

Candy- Somehow they are a lot more evolved in the US. I’ve seen them clean out entire stores using distractions. They are much more primitive here; they will try to stuff a bottle of wine down their pants and run away. They don’t even break into homes here; thank God!

I hope that your not putting all eggs in this Gypsy Basket, because they are not the most reliable sort. Better be on the lookout for escape routes, less they become respectable to thwart your plans! :)