I haven’t been blogging as much because I am working on my first book and I don’t want to give away toooo many of my stories here. Speaking of book writing, it is proving to be the most frustrating thing EVER.

I am quickly discovering the many stages of writing a book, which go a little like:

Anyway… that’s not what this is about – but that’s more or less what I’ve been working on. I would love to share what guided me to that decision, because it is really quite miraculous – but I’m also saving that for my book.

What was I going to say again?

Don’t mind my A.D.D… holy shit there’s actually sunshine happening outside! Oh, right… anyway… I’ve noticed that I generally write when things are on the up and up. Positivity! Great! But, I’m human and I don’t always have sunshine blowing out my rear end. Sometimes, there are times when I feel like, how can I possibly share an inspirational story when that is the last thing I feel?

I find that I am pretty good at helping others get past some of their own negative self talk – and it is really quite astounding how many souls have come into my journey lately and have been opening their eyes to things about themselves that they hadn’t seen before. It’s quite rewarding, actually. But when my turn comes and I’m in the midst of one of my own pity parties (which are many), good luck getting me to leave. My own stubborness to flip my frown upside down despite how many things I have to be grateful for is sometimes my own worst enemy.

It’s one of those things about myself that I continually work on. I don’t think the key is to boycott any feeling of sadness, but rather to honour every emotion (energy in motion) andto be mindful of where our thoughts take us, as they have a vital role in creating our environment.

The last couple years I’ve been incredibly unhappy with where I am at in my professional life. All I have been able to think of is how stuck I feel, how I am not doing what I should be doing and how I am not living up to my true potential. There are some days I feel as though I am a waste (sounds morbid, but I have no other way of putting it) and I’m pretty sure I’ve shed tears daily for the last couple years consecutively. There is something about it that causes me a great deal of sadness. I’ve had a number of hopeful opportunities fall through the cracks, and I consistently think that sometimes I shouldn’t even bother because no one is going to give me a chance, anyway. Then again, I am the only one in charge of creating my own opportunities – and I am also in charge of sabotaging them with my thoughts – which I do, before they even happen.

I know for a fact, what I am doing is not something that is aligned with my soul or gives me any type of fulfillment. Sure, I suppose this is likely true of 98% of the working population, but in my mind very few of us are able to move beyond these feelings because we are limited by our own negative thought patterns.

Some people might say, “suck it up, that’s life.” But I beg to differ. That is not life. That is what we are accustomed to thinking. Out of an infinite universe containing billions upon billions of other universes, I certainly did not come to this tiny rock of all places for no reason at all. I have shit to do and my soul knows when I am not doing what I am here to do. In the same breath, that is not entirely correct because I know I am always exactly where I need to be in any given moment… but ‘exactly where I need to be’ isn’t always a place I particularly like. And in another breath, there is always a lesson to be learnt in the place we are.

Long story short, I’ve been spending a good chunk of the last while solely focusing on how I feel stuck and nothing else.

What I get in return? MORE AND MORE of the same. And more! I am creating my very own reality.

The same thing goes with finances. I’ve gotten by for the majority of my life, but the perpetual thought in my mind is always one of:

“I can’t afford it. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. Every time I get a little bit ahead, something happens. I can’t. I don’t have enough. I can’t, I can’t I can’t. Somebody call the wahhhhmublance because I can’t stop crying about everything I can’t do!”

… and the list goes on. My thoughts consistently operate from a place of lack, rather than gratitude for what I do have.

As a result? Even more of the same. In fact, just the other week, I was thinking about how there is something coming up for me that I can’t afford – and guess what? My car broke down.

This is not some generic statement that we hear over and over again – it is truth.The things is, I KNOW that this is happening… I am acutely aware of it, but yet I continually get in the way of my own self. I can very easily look at some of my other thoughts and intentions of things I have wanted to manifest into my life that and how they have unfolded almost perfectly. Effortlessly. Some of them are absolutely mind blowing and still leave me and those in my life rather speechless. Things that the vast majority of people would tell me, “Get real, that chances of that happening are impossible.” I would love to share them, but I am also saving that for my book.

I also have a friend that I have known for a few years. For as long as I’ve known her, she has always talked about how she is secretly a millionaire. Quite honestly, all she does is talk about how much money she has. She is forever speaking about how she can do just about anything because she has the finances to do it. She doesn’t do anything differently than me, but every time I see her – she seems to have even more. On the other hand, she consistently talks about how alone she is and how the potential romantic partners she meets are always of the same breed – abusive and controlling. She talks about how she will never meet anyone that compliments her and how she is destined to be alone and miserable forever.

For the past couple years I have known her, I have heard her thoughts – which are always the same. It is quite astounding to watch as what she thinks about, is created.

Changing your thought pattern isn’t the easiest thing to do. I struggle with my own every minute of every day. Almost every time I run into a challenge or something that hasn’t worked out (which is often because there is something better coming that we can’t yet see), I immediately fall into the trappings of my negative thought patterns. Almost always, I throw a tantrum and right away I say, “that’s it! I’m done! I’m done hoping for things to work out because they never do! Why bother if it always leads to disappointment?! WHYYYY!!”

When I think that way, I begin to believe it. When I believe it, I put energy into it and ultimately I continue to create more of the same. And that, right there – is one of my biggest personal challenges.

Having said that, I’m thinking I’m about to change all of that.

I originally had other intentions for this post – there was something entirely different I was going to rant about. Perhaps, I will save that for my book as well.