Friday, April 23, 2010

Does this look like the face of a guy who just won $258 million dollars in the Powerball by spending $5 on tickets when he only had $28.96 in his checking account while trying to feed 3 kids? Why yes it is. This Show Me State resident showed his pearly whites yesterday as he accepted his winnings for being the lucky bastard to have the winning numbers in the Powerball game. Chances of him having the money or even living past 5 years has to be 10%. He does kind of have that Sam Bradford "oh shit I'm a new multimillionaire in Missouri" look on his face.

1. St. Louis Rams - Sam Bradford, QB, University of Oklahoma-David Carr 2.0. He is going to get destroyed in St. Louis.2. Detroit Lions - Ndamukong Suh, DT, University of Nebraska-Absolute steal of a pick even at #2. The Rams will regret not taking House of Spears for years to come.3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gerald McCoy, DT, University of Oklahoma-Should be serviceable but I have my doubts of him ever being a Pro Bowler with his size.4. Washington Redskins - Trent Williams, OT, University of Oklahoma-He did a great job of protecting Bradford...oh wait.5. Kansas City Chiefs - Eric Berry, S, University of Tennessee-Grand Theft Berry is the closest thing to a sure bet as Suh is. Ed Reed 2.0 and a great pick for the Chiefs.6. Seattle Seahawks - Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State University-Only gave up a sack once in his career. Walter Jones replacement.7. Cleveland Browns - Joe Haden, CB, University of Florida-Kid plays hard all the time. Might not be the fastest cover corner but he will be a good pro.8. Oakland Raiders - Rolando McClain, LB, Univeristy of Alabama-I actually really like this pick for the Raiders. McClain is a future Pro Bowler. Congrats to Al Davis for not being so senile.9. Buffalo Bills - C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson University-Good knowing you C. J. Have fun in Canada!10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Tyson Alualu, DT, University of California-What the fuck? Seriously Jaguars? The kid can play but why not trade down and get more picks?11. San Francisco 49ers (from Denver) - Anthony Davis, OL, Rutgers-Great pick by the 49ers. Davis is another solid piece to an already good line in San Fran.12. San Diego Chargers (from Miami) - Ryan Matthews, RB, Fresno State-I have my doubts with Matthews but anybody could run for 1000 plus yards with the Chargers line.13. Philadelphia Eagles (from Denver) - Brandon Graham, OLB, University of Michigan-As much as I hate Michigan and the Eagles I love this pick. Graham will be an All-Pro for many years.14. Seattle Seahawks (from Denver) - Earl Thomas, S, University of Texas-Everyone seems to love Thomas. I'm not one of them. Berry is light years ahead of him.15. New York Giants - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, University of South Florida-Sweet strip club last night Jason. Let me guess it was the Rosenhaus's idea?16. Tennessee Titans - Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech-When he decides to play there is no better DE in this draft.17. San Francisco 49ers (from Carolina Panthers) - Mike Iupati, OG, University of Idaho-Never seen his face before yesterday. Gotta love the Samoans though.18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Maurkice Pouncey, C, University of Florida-Nothing like celebrating in a double wide while making out with dudes while hitting your head on popcorn ceilings. You win Pouncey.19. Atlanta Falcons - Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, University of Missouri-I'm 50/50 on this pick. I wanted Graham for the Falcons but the Eagles traded up to nab him. Weatherspoon was the next best thing I suppose. We will see.20. Houston Texans - Kareem Jackson, CB, University of Alabama-Had to get a corner to replace Dunta Robinson.21. Cincinnati Bengals - Jermaine Gresham, TE, University of Oklahoma-Good pick by the Bengals but didn't they just draft a tight end last year in Chase Coffman?22. Denver Broncos (from New England) - DeMaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech-Wow, the first receiver taken is Thomas. The kid was a stud in a triple option offense so he is used to catching ducks which should be plenty from Tebow.23. Green Bay Packers - Bryan Bulaga, OT, University of Iowa-Kind of surprised he fell this far but also surprised they didn't take Dez Bryant. But then again they needed to protect Aaron Rodgers who maybe the best QB in the game. No joking.24. Dallas Cowboys (from New England) - Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State University-The Cowboys trade up to steal one from the Ravens. This pick has a Randy Moss feel to it. A lot of teams will regret not taking a chance on the kid.25. Denver Broncos (from Baltimore) - Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida-I like Tebow. I really do. The kid does everything the right way and is a good football player and an even better human being. With that being said this was one of the dumbest selections ever. McDaniels is on the hotseat immediately.26. Arizona Cardinals - Dan WIlliams, DT, University of Tennessee-Williams will be a better pro than Gerald McCoy. Just watch.27. New England Patriots (from Dallas) - Devin McCourty, DB, Rutgers-Looked good on film. Holy Shit! Rutgers with 2 first round picks. USC, Georgia, and Notre Dame combine for 0.28. Miami Dolphins (from San Diego) - Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State University-Probably a Miley Cyrus fan.29. New York Jets - Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State University-Who fucking knows.30. Detroit Lions (from Minnesota) - Jahvid Best, RB, University of California-Big fan of Best and I hope he tears it up in Detroit. Suh and Best are great selections for the Lions. Seriously.31. Indianapolis Colts - Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU-Not as quick as Dwight Freeney but could develop into a Pro Bowl type player for the Colts.32. New Orleans Saints - Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State University-Should have taken Sergio Kindle here. FSU players are overrated.

Shit they don't even pretend not to like Miley Cyrus. I'm pretty sure playing anything Miley Cyrus at your tailgate is grounds for disturbing the peace much less a tailgate. I award you Penn State fans. Just when I think you can't get any more embarrassing you go out and totally redeem yourself.

It's good to know the Rooney family is getting rid of all the trash on their team by trading away Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes to the Jets and looking to deal Rapelisberger before he assaults another chick in some bar. It's classy guys like Florida center Maurkice Pouncey who love to bend over in front of Tim Tebow their whole college career and decide a double wide trailer would be the best place to celebrate getting drafted will bring the respect back to the Steelers organization. And to top it all off he not only loves to go "hogging" in Panama City but he also enjoys making out with dudes (yes, I know it's his twin brother which kind of makes it more weird) before heading off to a blue collar city like Pittsburgh.

Thank God the Steelers took Pouncey. He seems like a great fit for Pittsburgh. Double wide and all.