Right before getting married, the groom's father takes him aside and says to him:

"Son, I'm gonna tell you a story. On my wedding night, when your mother and I got to our hotel room, I immediately took off my pants. I handed them to her and I said, 'here woman, try on these pants.' So, she tried them on and she said, 'I can't fit into these; they're too big.' And then I said to her, 'that's right, woman. That's why I wear the pants in this family, that's the way it is now and that's the way its always gonna be.' "

So, the groom considers this, and that night when he and his new wife get to their hotel room, he takes off his pants.
He says to his wife, "Here, try these on."
"I can't get into these," she says, "they're too big."
"That's right," says the groom, "that's why I wear the pants in this family. That's the way it is now, and that's the way its always gonna be."

So, the wife hands the pants back to the groom, and then she takes off her panties and hands them to him.
"Here, try these on," she says.
So he tries to put them on unsuccessfully and says, "These are too small, I can't get into these." "That's right," she says, "and that's the way its always gonna be if you don't change your attitude."

There was a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out but he refused.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. One Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Two flies are sitting on a piece of dung. One fly cuts a fart. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"

A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and sees a snail sitting there on the porch. He picks up the snail, and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there's a knock on the door. The man opens the door. There sits the same snail.
The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The man says, "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God. What is it? What do you have?"
The man says, "Fifty cents."

There's dozens more where that came from, some from books, some from friends, a few of my own, but nearly all of them unfit for a general audience forum. In case you didn't notice, seamanship runs in my blood, too.

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
-- Clarence Darrow

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
-- Mark Twain

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Today at work, a male coworker volunteered me to walk over to the Hard Rock Cafe and reserve a table for our group. I meant to say with a loud authoritative voice: I will not be your puppet. What came out of mouth was: I will not be your pumpkin.