Amateur Surgeon iPhoneReview

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Doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning?

By George Roush

You know what's missing from the iPhone game library? More adult-oriented type games. Not sexually explicit material, just games that actually have an edge. Amateur Surgeon from Adult Swim fills that void with an entertaining blood-soaked, gross-out surgery game that uses the iPhone touch controls in fun (and disgusting) ways.

You play as pizza delivery boy Alan Probe. Not satisfied with life as an ordinary pie man, your dream is to become a surgeon. Problem is, you only have basic tools like a pizza cutter to get the job done. With the help of a really strange doctor who provides you with more tools to further your career, you help patients suffering from various ailments in your makeshift surgeon's office called Probe & Bleed Back Alley MDs.

Three different files filled with 27 patients and 3 bonus patients await you. Fix up one patient and move on to the next. Each patient has a variety of ailments and sicknesses that you must fix such as removing bullets, killing ants inside someone, killing an overgrown tapeworm, and even blinging out a pimp with gold plated body parts. Each patient is different and really fun to operate on.

All of your not-so-medically-approved tools are available to you via the easy to access touch controls on the screen. Use the pizza cutter to open up your patient. A yellow line tells you where to slice. The salad tongs are used to remove things like glass, pieces of wood, bullets, etc. Your lighter is used to cauterize the incision you've cut open, and the pain relief gel is then used to heal the wound. Use the household stapler to staple shut open wounds and gashes. A dustbuster sucks up blood spots and various liquids presents on your patient's body. Wield the chainsaw on bones and organs. The corkscrew is used in conjunction with the pain relief gel to increase your patient's heartbeat. Once his heart stops beating, your patient is close to death. The car battery is used to stop and start the heart, and to also kill various bugs in the body. The Etchy Sketchy helps find objects hidden under the skin. You can always zoom in for a closer look and to help you with your cuts and staples.

Each patient has a certain amount time before his clock expires, but don't be too hasty in trying to save him. Even though the game tells you the basics in tools and procedures, sometimes you'll have to do a little experimenting on your own to find out exactly what it is you're supposed to do during an operation. Even though it is occasionally frustrating, it still adds replay value because you want to go back and retry the surgery just to see the next sick and twisted patient in the game.

You're given a grade on each patient once you've patched them up. The grade depends on how fast and clean your surgery is. Don't worry if you see a lot of D's and F's. I've gotten plenty of those with the occasional 'B' and one 'A'. Getting an 'A' unlocks your first bonus patient called BUM, a robot with some issues that you have to access from the rear. You can always go back to each patient to try and improve your grade. Future patients are seen in shadows, and some of the forms are really gross looking. It just makes you want to keep playing to see what's next.

The graphics are really colorful and each operation is different from the previous one. The colors are bright and there's no shortage of red. The sound effects are great, from the disgusting sound of you slicing open your patient to the bone-crushing sound of the chainsaw. Dialogue between the patient and Alan Probe is also pretty funny. It's not a game for kids, but then again, I didn't really see anything that disturbing besides some adult humor they may not get anyway. The music was pretty good but isn't needed to enjoy the game.

Amateur Surgeon was reviewed playing Version 1.0.

The Verdict

I was pleasantly surprised by the depth and replay value of Amateur Surgeon. For $4.99, you get a lot of game for your iPhone. I loved how each patient had a different and funny ailment you had to fix. The controls are really top notch. If you don't get queasy at the sight of blood and have always wanted to slice open some cartoon characters, then pick up Amateur Surgeon. It's just what the doctor ordered.