Who Hates Who On ‘Vanderpump Rules’?

Vanderpump Rules, Bravo’s unlikely crown jewel in the Housewives universe, returns for its fifth season tonight, and while nuptials appear to at the center of this season’s drama — Katie and Schwartz’s, to be precise — we all know better. This season is going to be about the fights just like last season and the season before. Vanderpump Rules has always been defined by its fights. Season 1 was all about Jax versus Frank. Season 2 was Stassi slapping Kristen. Season 3 was … light on season defining fights, but Kristen did tell SUR manager Diana to “suck a dick” repeatedly. And season 4, last year, featured an epic cold war between Katie and Stassi that, thankfully, had a happy ending.

So where do we stand on the current feuds as we enter season 5?

Kristen vs. James

Currently, this is the fight that’s at the root of most of the most vehement fights on Vanderpump Rules right now. Which is really giving James too much credit, if you ask me, but I’m only reporting on what’s there. Kristen and James dated for a while, but their volatile, borderline loathsome personalities were too intense to last very long. Kristen, despite her more self-destructive qualities, is kind of a queen, but rooting for her is a little bit like rooting for the Emma Roberts character on any season of a Ryan Murphy show. It’s fun for a while, but you know she’s never going to win. James, meanwhile, is a petty, mean little jerk who talks the most vile crap about everybody else and experiences no consequences somehow. Until now, I suppose, as season 5 kicks off with James in a particular snit about his parents getting divorced. They always say it’s never the kids’ fault, but I’m willing to bet that’s not true with James. Anyway, he and Kristen are no longer off-and-on but permanently off, but they sure do still hate each other.

James vs. Jax

Jax, showing a rare admirable streak in the midst of his usual monster antics last season, stuck up for Kristen and really took exception to James running his mouth. But then Jax got arrested for shoplifting sunglasses in Hawaii (remember?), so now he’s on probation. And as everyone knows, the worst thing about probation is that it prevents you from physically assaulting people at will. So Jax can’t beat up James until his probation lifts. I imagine he’s got a tear-away calendar at home, marking the days until it’s punch o’clock. The worst part is that James knows Jax can’t touch him for the time being, so he’s being extra special yappy, and it is infuriating. I am never one to support physical violence, but when James ends up with his face halfway down his back, he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

Kristen vs. Lala

This one seems more perfunctory than anything else. In a perfect world, Kristen and Lala would probably be pretty great friends, dedicated as they are to cutting through the bullshit of all the people around them. Which is what makes it so galling that someone as twerpy as James could turn these frighteningly powerful women against each other. But now that they’ve chosen sides (somehow Lala has gone all-in on James as a BFF, which is easily her worst quality), they’re pretty much dedicated to each other’s destruction.

Lala vs. Katie

This only really materialized at the season 4 reunion, though Katie had spent a bunch of last season making little digs at Lala for dressing skimpily around Schwartz, because apparently there’s a dress code within a certain radius of betrothed men, and Katie was very invested in keeping up that perimeter. So Lala came into the reunion with a full on ‘tude about Katie (and vice versa), and from the looks of the season 5 premiere, that hasn’t abated any.

Stassi vs. Scheana / Stassi vs. Lisa

Last season’s most triumphant storyline saw Stassi accepted back into the fold after she’d burned one bridge too many. But while Stassi was desperate to regain the friendship of her original bestie, Katie, you could tell she could still kind of take or leave Scheana. Or, for that matter, Lisa Vanderpump, as sacrilegious as that sounds. While Stassi and Scheana have never been able to keep a friendship going for very long, Stassi’s current bad feelings towards Scheana and Lisa both stem from the sex tape that was made without Stassi’s consent a few years ago. Scheana, while having nothing to do with the tape, apparently didn’t mind telling everybody from friends to Starbucks baristas about the tape. Meanwhile, Lisa paid off a blackmail attempt on Stassi’s behalf but without Stassi’s knowledge (and apparently made a cock-up of the deal). These both seem like very low-burner feuds at the moment, but just know that there’s not a whole lot of love in these particular corners.

Tom vs. Stassi

Strangely, the one member of the Vanderpump Rules cast whose hatred for Stassi’s has cooled the least has been Tom Sandoval, who doesn’t really have any actual in-story reason to gate her. Part of this is that Sandoval has begun to exhibit this little rage volcano inside of him that will go off every now and then, so he’s easily riled. But part of it is that Sandoval was seemingly the most stung by Stassi’s shit-talking of the group after she’d initially left the show. That Tom has by this point forgiven Jax for sleeping with his girlfriend at the time but not forgiven Stassi for saying mean things about him says a lot about a lot.

Kristen vs. Ariana

While it seems unlikely that Kristen and Ariana will ever like each other — Kristen will always see Ariana as the girl who was hooking up with her boyfriend while they were together; Ariana will always play the victim and pretend that Kristen saying “I hope she gets hit by a train” is an actual threat — it feels like the endless screaming matches between Kristen, Ariana, and Tom will be taking a back seat this season.

Lala vs. Scheana

When Lala first started working at SUR, Scheana stuck up for her despite the fact that everybody always hates the new pretty girl. That is apparently no longer a thing. Already at last year’s reunion they seemed to be a little snippy with each other. Tonight’s season premiere takes away any doubt.

Katie vs. Schwartz

This is it. This is the season. Katie and Schwartz’s long march down the aisle. After two seasons of her browbeating him to pop the question, he did. And then she immediately began backsliding into old argumentative habits. The supertease for season 5 tries to get us to think things will be bad enough to cause Schwartz to back out at the wedding, but believe that at your own risk.