Patti Smith: Just KidsI'm not much of a fan of either of the artists featured (Patti Smith and Robert Mappelthorpe), but the book is very compelling taking me into a new world and time that I was not really aware of. (***)

Interesting Thoughts

December 01, 2017

With all of the news of sexual harassment it appears there is one dynamic becoming increasingly clear based on my conversations and experience:

Teenage boys are mortified about what to do/say or not to do/say. Teenage girls are aware there is a portal to assert themselves and they aren’t completely sure how to step into it.

It appears to be a crisis.

I firmly believe that both of them want what most of want most, connected, fun, deep relationships that have space for mistakes, feelings, logic, reconciliation, love and forgiveness. They want the thrill of the chase without the real threat of the danger.

Here’s what I see as the challenge:

How many relationships do you know that really model that? I see my own deficiencies and am working on it diligently in my committed relationship and I have an incredible amount to grow still.

Personally, I spent YEARS as the nice guy and while not criminal, it’s damaging because there’s a manipulative aspect to it that is representative of my fears and shortcomings around being authentic. Unwinding that while raising a teenager means I’m sure I’m passing on some of my limitations.

How many of us are clear enough from our desire to either stick to a victim story (me included) to past harms of almost any kind or mindlessly hold to the familiar pole of masculine or feminine we are fluent in (me included)? (this goes beyond but includes sexual issues)

I have personal evidence that there are healthy, authentic relationships out there although they appear to be the exception. But how are we as parents going to be more effective at this than say, career advice? (How many of us love what we do and what role did parental guidance play in that?)

Who can lead us? There are a number of people I know or follow who I believe have crucial aspects to the answer and are stuck either in a level of abstraction that creates impact to those who sort of already know how to hear it or are almost strictly “issue” oriented (career, money, heck even relationships).

There is a gap and the consciousness that so many of us have in our relationships in some ways feels unsuited to really address the underlying issue to teach these kids. I feel like there’s a collective admission required of realizing that we don’t have the answer beyond what seems clear to just stop (Weinstein, Lauer, Nassar and the rest of that crew that should be studied extensively and held directly accountable and suitably punished).

I can understand why so many of the teenagers prefer the screens to numb out at times. They are facing yet another widespread reality that we are struggling to guide them through. Although I’m not in the camp of hating the screens, rather I think screens are part of the solution.

Here’s my hope:

I hope a diverse group of teenagers step up and become the leaders…NOW, because in this case I think they may have more to teach us how to solve this than we have to teach them beyond supporting them in telling them it’s ok to admit “I don’t know”.

May 10, 2017

My mostly unspoken but enacted commitments, to the best of my ability, to my teenage daughter, are that I commit to, with every ounce of my soul:

Be a warrior for you. I’ll go into any battle beside you and whenever necessary in front of you without a second thought.

Be a human for you. I’ll make mistakes and admit it when I do.

Be a listener for you. I’ll be ready when you’re ready to tell me what you want and sometimes even before you are (at which point I’ll refer you to the “human” entry above). I commit that I won’t try to fix it EVERY time (and when I do I’ll again refer you to the “human” entry above).

Be a joke for you. It’s one of my God given gifts and from God’s hands to our ears, I will share my rather weird view of the world and play off yours too as we laugh like crazy.

Be a teacher for you. Whatever I have learned and un-learned it’s there for you, any time you want it.

Be “not so serious” for you. I will to remind you that 97% of the time, it’s just not worth taking things so seriously and won’t judge you even when you do take seemingly smaller things really seriously…and even maybe laugh about it afterwards.

Be a cheerleader for you. I will share the fulfillment and joy I get in seeing the beauty of you competing in sports and when you succeed I’ll bust out the pompoms. I love that you love to win and compete.

Be a shoulder for you. When you need to cry and my shoulder is the one you need most or any other times it’s available…always.

Be authentic for you. I promise I’ll cry when I’m happy, sad, hurt, joyous, etc. and won’t fight to hold it in.

Be a reminder for you. I know you’re strong just as you are and so am I, I’ll remind us of that so we can get through things together.

Be a hug for you. Need I say more?

Be a model for you. I’ll teach you to succeed, not succeed “like a man”…that’s garbage.

Be an embarrassment for you. You have a Dad who is a goofball at times so I will almost certainly embarrass you, but you’re used to it right?

Be in the background for you. I commit to let you live your life, neither of us are happy when I try to control everything.

Be a pain for you. Yes, there are times when I’m going to draw boundaries, say no, call you out and when I do I will supply with a time honored source of rebellion for teenagers. If you aren’t pissed off at me on a semi-regular basis, I’m not doing my job.

Be a student for you. I’m willing to learn new things and realize you can teach me some of them.

Be realistic for you. You are a teenager and I promise not to give you the “back in my days” bs or the “you’re all so entitled” bs, I know it’s harder in some real ways to be a teenager these days and I know you’re a teenager and it’s unfair to paint with an old or irresponsible brush.

Be present for you. I commit that I’ll do the work when I’m not with you so that when I am with you I am.

Be a perspective for you. I’m willing to share when I’ve been through tough things that might be like what you are. I’m willing to remind you when you’ve gotten through tough things as you go through them.

Be a debater for you. Let’s argue about things going on in the world, it’s worth it.

Be a believer for you. If you believe strongly enough in something and it’s at odds with the prevailing, broken point of view, I’ll back you…100%. If you’re following just to follow, expect us to go back to the previous line.

Be a believer in you. I believe in you 100%.

Be a truth teller for you. Even when it’s really uncomfortable I’ll do it.

Be a Dad for you. More than anything else, the one unchanging fact is that from the moment you were born, I’m your Dad and will be that until the day I die.

January 11, 2017

My friend Roy and I reminisced last night about LA sports radio man Jim Healy and we laughed hard until my heart hurt.

My Dad introduced me to Jim Healy in 1990. Jim Healy did quick current sports report with amusing reactions/sounds from spliced in interviews.

We used to cackle hilariously listening to him as we commuted and even on days off. We got to a point where even though we KNEW the jokes that were coming (“Who goofed? I've GOT to know!”) we STILL laughed really hard!

Sometimes we’d be at a restaurant or the golf course or the mall and pull a Jim Healy zinger out and laugh even harder.

We always made sure to schedule it so we could hear it. I remember RUNNING out of the office with him to the car to catch the whole show as we faced the commute.

Jim Healy died in1994 and I’ve never found another one like it (and I listen to LOTS of them).

And it goes beyond the show.

The thing is the show was a thread that wound my Dad and I together. It was sports, entertainment, laughter in the context of a tough time for my family and a time of hope for me at 20 years old.

I had some notion that times were tough and yet he always could let that go during the show.

The joy of the show was so pure and innocent.

My Dad’s health and memory is failing. Unfortunately remembering the show or even me is challenging. My heart strings were pulled quite tautly as I realized I will never get that time back (yes I can be grateful for it as well).

It was our running inside joke and a virtual soundtrack to a life neither of us took to seriously. I’ve passed this incredible gift onto my daughter. We even have our inside jokes that both of us know and even when we know they’re coming we still laugh really hard.

And still it doesn’t replicate how sports connect a Dad and son, nor should it. So while I’ve taken some time today to listen to it and had several big laughs, I can feel the tears behind it.

November 17, 2016

Other than the realization that 48 is the last year the first digit of my age will be half the second digit and that it's the only time in my life that my age is twice the number of hours in the day, here are a few insights and realizations from turning 48.

My daughter wrote me my 2 page birthday gift that we’ve been doing for years. It’s so uplifting to read how the things she values most in me and told me she wants in a husband are some of the things I love most about myself and others (open minded, affectionate, not taking things too seriously, confidence, laughter, patient listener).

She also mentioned how I live life knowing there’s a solution…hmmm, that probably sounds familiar to some of my peeps…

My girlfriend wrote a beautiful card to me in a language that we both understand that touched me deeply. We are together because we work at it and the work has meaning and purpose and there’s more work for both of us ahead, together.

I think the sweetest reward of both pieces is that they both really see me for who I am and want to be. There’s plenty of time to focus on what I have to work on and it reminded me to spend more time celebrating what I’ve cultivated.

The most important relationship I will develop for the rest of my life will be with the version of God I believe in. These last several years that relationship has grown and it provides me an increasing capacity to ride the ups and downs of life.

There is a direct relationship between the quality of that relationship and my willingness to take risks. Oddly, I’m committed to taking more, not less, risks in the future.

I’m feeling more balanced even as I laugh and cry harder in life than I ever have. It’s weird to simultaneously have perspective and full access to feelings.

I can’t explain why and it became crystal clear that my life pivoted and I’m here to be of service. That’s one of the major points of life and I don’t get that if I don’t live that life.

And by the way, in my world, sometimes asking for help and honestly sharing with someone what’s up with me is a tremendous service to that person, it gives them an opportunity to serve.

How much better would we all be if we just asked for help when we needed it? It’s a perplexing part of the human condition that it’s not easy for so many of us.

While my tolerance for bs is decreasing, my patience for listening through hurt and wounds is increasing.

I’ve realized there is often a direct relationship between how pissed off I get and how unaware I am of an undesirable behavior being accurately called out by someone else.

Writing comes easy and I’m repeatedly astonished at how my writing touches people. How many times am I going to realize that and not actually do something about it??

I WILL DO A STAND UP COMEDY SHOW THIS YEAR!!!!

I am genuinely grateful for how many people I am actually and really connected with on Facebook. The times we have leaned on each other or shared and celebrated something more easily because we’re still connected here to me is the spiritual payoff of a multi-billion dollar idea. It’s the little and big interactions we have here that make it worthwhile.

I day dream of getting a group of people who I've known throughout my life together for a weekend to just hang out and dream, perform, laugh, cry, hope, breathe, rock out whatever. Sort of like the last scene in Big Fish except I wouldn’t be dead and it wouldn’t be about me. I would just be the last degree of separation for everyone there.

June 28, 2016

I'm reading The Inner Game of Tennis (although I haven't played tennis in years!). I love the way the author talks about a different way of teaching that is less instructional and more observational.

I'm noticing how much harder it is to notice, without judgment, how I parent. Sometimes when I'm talking to my daughter about something important I get lost.

There are the core emotions that are arising in the discussion for me, which quite possibly have nothing to do with her. There is the ongoing "Am I doing it right?" "No! don't say that" followed sometimes by "Why didn't I say that? You suck as a parent!" dialog (well not really a dialog because it's me with myself). There is the mind that is immediately projecting into what this one conversation might mean for the future.

I'm not totally present in the conversation and when I try to look back on the conversation that real time performance evaluation in the context of an emotional exchange hinders my ability to observe the conversation to bring awareness.

I'm certain that my recollection of the conversation is different than what actually happened. Perhaps a great start is observing this entire dynamic with as little judgement as possible.

December 09, 2015

Then there’s the moment riding the bus with my arm around my daughter sitting next to each other. Two minutes into the bus ride she leans her body into mine and melts into me.

It’s that feeling that goes to straight my innermost self that this young woman as she, at times, clumsily and awkwardly, at times confidently and fiercely (always beautifully) claims her independence, still trusts me with her life, her world. She knows that with no notice she can also claim my as close to as humanly possible unconditional love for her. She desires to be reminded that I’m a core part of her foundation and to the best of my ability I will always be there for her.

We spent the next 5 minutes (both with one headphone in listening to our own music sort of) talking about sports and trying something new. It was about as every day stuff as it comes to parenting but the deep feeling surrounding us was undeniable.

It’s the feeling of loving and being loved for exactly who we both are (including both being dressed like we are BOTH going to high school! Although based on our outfits her school would be more upscale than mine would be….).

Shortly before we left the house I said to her that with regards to the struggle we were discussing, “Never forget, I believe in you. I know you’ll have to work hard and things will reveal themselves one day at a time, but I always believe in you.”

I share this only because my logical mind will try to look for a reason why it happened this morning. And who knows, maybe that was part of it. But a deeper part of me knows that that final 5 minutes of the bus ride sealed by a kiss on the head from Dad is an expression of a real relationship full of ups and downs in the last 14 years. It’s a relationship that no matter how tough it gets will never change….EVER. She will ALWAYS be my daughter.

Maybe that simple sentiment shared was just a reminder of how I always feel (no matter HOW confused I get from time to time).

I felt tremendous waves of gratitude as she got off to go to school that I’m a Dad, with an amazing daughter. I’m publicly putting words to it today in an effort to put yet another stake in the ground to say to myself “When things get most confusing and frustrating….remember this moment!” as so many of my dearest and closest friends, many (but not all) of whom are parents, must rely on.

The, sort of, vexing part of it is we just never know when this type of expression from our children or loved ones is going to happen. And rarely does it seem to happen when I want it! And while I have a million other things going on in my life, problems real or fancied (seemingly more of the latter…) for those 5 minutes nothing else in the world existed or mattered than that.

May 11, 2015

I scroll through my Instagram and Facebook accounts feeling a bit ornery and sometimes find that I’m less than spiritually fit. I see the beautiful scenes of where people are visiting or their big new award and the last thought on my mind is “good for them!”.

On my darker days, I hope that it rains the rest of the week on them or we will find out the award winner slept with every single judge. I internally rant on the sickening idea of developing personal brands, a loathsome buzzword that destroys connection, often in the name of economic gain.

But this article taught me something new that seems elementary. The lives I perceive others to lead based on Instagram, Facebook, etc. feeds are not complete or even accurate representations of what is really going on.

I think it’s generally true that many people live mostly happy lives and what they post on Social Media is a slice of the happiness in it or perhaps what or who they love and are passionate about.

And, after reading this, I realize it’s equally possible that a life portrayed on Social Media may be a façade of sorts, intentional or not. Yes I know this is elementary for most but it’s hitting me hard today.

I’d like to believe (or wish to believe or HAVE to believe) that Ms. Holleran did have some moments of happiness that were shared on Social Media during her time at college but I don’t know that. The article certainly suggests that her ongoing reality was nothing like those slices of apparent happiness.

From what I read in the article, her parents seem totally loving, involved and completely devastated by what happened. And if I were them, I know I would be thinking about “What else could I have done?” I am not in any way questioning whether they did or didn’t do.

I could certainly write (from personal experience) about the darkness of depression or the wounds of surviving family suicides. But this article brought to my attention something even more basic and powerful.

I decided to write this because of the gift the writer, the parents and their daughter gave me (even though they will never see this). It’s more for me than anyone else. Let’s face it, if you’re this far, you either totally love me (hi Rose!) or are a long standing devotee (hi Chris!).

The gift came in the form of an ice cold bucket of water set of realizations.

For social media, there are two realizations about social media and a final meta-reminder:

One gigantic question is what weight do I give to someone’s well-being or happiness based on their social media presence when they are no longer with me on a regular basis? When they are with me regularly I can get an ongoing check in of what’s real if I’m present and aware when I’m with them, it’s harder when they aren’t. What do I make of their Social Media presence?

I see it and conclude they don’t need help so I don’t offer it and that doesn’t help.

Unrelated to the article, what happiness on social media including confrontation can have the reverse impact. It can even have the unusual effect of me seeing someone I love getting attacked in some way and go in to “save the day” when that’s the last thing they want. What do I make of their social media presence?

I see it and conclude they do need help and do it (often without offering) and that doesn’t help.

The meta-realization lies in the scariest of realities as a parent. How do we know when our children (or friends and family members) need help? This was a startling reminder that social media may not be helpful and at times it actually may be misleading.

I have to remember the second word of Social Media is media. It's often an invented portrayal of what either seems to be liked or popular or a simple regurgitation of someone else's point of view that seems resonant (or self righteous as it often is in my case). It's warped and wrapped into the fucked up world of personal branding.

It has the equal capacity to create connection as much as distort it. I love it and use it but this article remind me that I shouldn't always believe it.

September 09, 2014

Dear reader, before you read this you must know I'm a nerd at heart...you've been warned...

I’m reading Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and I came upon this diagram and it stopped me in my tracks because it’s a perfect description of raising a daughter. The skills required and challenges faced over time provide a near perfect mathematical relationship that gets ever more rewarding.

Basically I start at the lower left hand of the graph in flow (A1). She’s a baby and I get the basic skills of changing diapers, burping and feeding up until maybe 2 years old. It was mostly solution oriented (along with a lot of goofy playing). And as my skills in that area improve if that’s all that’s required I start to get bored (A2). The cure for that boredom is bigger challenges.

And age has a magnificent way of offering bigger and bigger challenges. We don’t even have a choice, the challenges just happen. And to meet those challenges my skills need to improve. As she started to walk and talk my type and level of engagement with her had to change.

It started to be about not just responding to the cries but inspiring her curiosity, helping her find her voice or introducing her to new activities or social situations up until about 8 years old. It was still pretty much solution oriented (along with even more goofy playing). That actually worked quite well as I worked to improve my skills and the challenges increased, I found flow again (A4).

Then the challenges spiked faster than I could handle it with the normal development of skills. Right around 9 or 10 the challenge became far deeper. My daughter now needed a Dad who knew or would learn how to let her express her feelings.

O felt anxiety because her needs (seemingly overnight) changed in a way that I was not equipped to handle (A3). I have spent the better part of the last 3-4 years trying to catch up. The solution oriented approach that worked so well works far less now. And honestly it seems like every year from 10 to 13 so far the challenges have been exponential not incremental.

To find flow I need to improve my skills. I readily admit that I have not sought out a good cohort of Dads who think the way I think on a lot of issues. Core issues in this time are traditionally "mom's" territory but I wholeheartedly reject that notion on almost every level. I have way too much evidence that women would have loved it if their Dads had been there on these developing subjects.

I also readily admit that there are times when I do find flow (A4) again. And as the challenges have become far greater it’s undeniable that finding flow with my 13 year old daughter is FAR more rewarding and rich due mostly to its comparative complexity (emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc.) to finding flow with a well changed diaper (although I got damn good at it….).

I won't be surprised if at some point the spike in challenges levels out a bit but for now I'm on the most amazing and rewarding ride of my life. The changes now seem so wholesale and speedy.

Yes, I realize it’s a relatively nerdy way to look at all this, but I also somewhat readily admit that in spite of the flair and flash that you all love so much about me a noticeable portion of my essence is represented by the nerd that played D&D, figured out mathematical relationships between basketball players' jerseys during ND games and thinks that, in the end, life is just one big mathematical equation.

July 31, 2014

This morning I dropped my daughter off at her camp. We said goodbye a little differently. You see she’s going away and I won’t see her for over 2 weeks. She’s going on a trip with a friend and then another trip with her mom. She’s going to have a blast on both trips. That’s not stopping my tears this morning.

Today instead of the lean over in the car hug and kiss we got out of the car. I told her I wanted a “big hug”. It turned into a warm and loving embrace that lasted quite a while. After that I took her beautiful 13 year old face in my hand, looked her right in the eyes and told her how much I loved her, that I’ll miss her and told her to have a blast on her trips.

It all sounds like a great goodbye, but I’m still in tears. Recently, we had an experience that drew us closer together than we ever have been. She poignantly shared the thoughts and feelings and I listened carefully giving each of those thoughts the kind of attention and importance every one of them deserved.

It’s not about me saying that’s not a big deal or you’ll get through it, buck up. Rather we talked about how each of those things feel and how confusing it can all be.

It’s no secret I love my daughter. And in addition to being the greatest teacher of my life, the most important person on the planet to me and the person I pour my heart into unabashedly she’s also a great companion. We laugh so much at the goofiest things. Self-deprecation, confusing oddities, human behavior, my driving nuttiness and much more is all fair game when we spend time together.

So I mourn it when she’s gone and goddamnit I'm not going to apologize for it. I realize that in the grand scheme of things 2 ½ weeks is not that long. But how many of us talk about how it all goes to fast?

I also realize that perhaps I should put more of my energy into the smile in my heart that I know she’ll have a great time while she’s gone. And shoot right after she gets back I get a full week with her and my mom which is always a gas.

That’s not working right now. And I’m not going to prematurely pull myself out of this feeling because I feel like it’s “too self-centered”. In my life it isn’t that I feel too much it’s that I don’t’ fully give attention to exactly what I am feeling (and I’m a pretty sensitive dude).

No, it’s not working right now, so for now I’m going to let the tears flow until they stop when they are meant to stop.

April 16, 2014

I had a deeply connected weekend with my daughter. We spent 8 total hours together in a car. I spent most of the weekend watching her play volleyball, something she loves doing and I love watching her do it.

We had conversations ranging from boys to dealing with adversity to who she relates to more Anna or Elsa (Elsa by the way) to competiveness and much more. When she was at her most tender and vulnerable she went from crying in my arms to sitting by herself because she wanted to be alone which I respected.

We listened to Do You Want to Build a Snowman and Bye, Bye, Bye and Fancy more times than I care to mention. We shared mini-cinnamon buns from Taco Bell (like knee-buckling awesome!!) and In-n-Out and even made a trip to Olive Garden (OG BABY!!!!).

There were multiple times this weekend where I ached for time to just stop.

And then, Monday night, I dropped her off at her Mom’s house and that was that. I woke up the next day and she wasn’t with me. It’s heart breaking.

I spent plenty of time on Tuesday in tears. It’s so fucking hard to be a divorced dad at times. There’s zero question that it’s the right thing and zero question that it has real implications.

There's something so poignant about having such a deep bonding experience and poof she's gone. I get that it means a ton to her that we did connect and it's deeply in her heart now. And my pain will turn into gratitude when the time is right.