Penn Satire, Since 1899

50 Consolation Prizes for the Election Losers

What would be a good consolation prize for the losers of the election? We asked the whole Punch Bowl staff, and they gave us these 50 suggestions:Meaningful embrace from Al Gore
Karaoke machine that only plays “Truly Madly Deeply” by Savage Garden
Set of Ginsu knives
Discounted tickets to Spiderman: Turn off the Dark
Your own show on the hit cable channel CMSNCSINBCurrent TV
Offer for President of University of Pennsylvania
Signed Simple Plan poster
Four boxes of birdseed
An awkward conversation with your family about politics
That creepy white house on 40th and Pine
Authentic portrait painted by Todd Da Vinci, bogus descendant of Leonardo
You get to wage war on one Third World Country of your choice
Taylor Swift will write a song about your relationship with her
All of the workers at your local McDonald’s are required to greet you by name
A visit from the 1997 Vancouver Grizzlies
All-inclusive cruise to Greenland
A seat on the Supreme Court
Miniature-horse farm (like with mini-horses, not like a really small farm…)
Free moon-bounce rentals for one calendar year
Lifetime supply of hostess cupcakes
Secretary of State appointment
Map of America, so you can wish it was the real thing
$5 gift card to Ben and Jerry’s (or 20% off an ice cream cake)
Pack of crayons without a sharpener
A Romney boy for your daughter
A free Facebook account
Your own fiefdom in rural Idaho
A night with Jill Biden
A permanent etch-a-sketch with your losing election results
A signed, first edition copy of The Solomon Key
Ham
The opportunity to take a dump on Vladimir Putin’s lawn with full immunity
All expenses paid vacation to Guantanamo Bay
Kentucky Derby thoroughbred, that’s actually way past its prime. In fact both of its legs are broken and it will probably require round the clock care
The mouthpiece of Dizzy Gillespie’s trumpet, complete with generations of congealed spittle
President of Guam
Gift card to an outlet mall
Bill O’Reilly’s actual douchebag
Newt Gingrich’s space colony
Season tickets to the Congressional Mud Wresting League
The Black House, location: Camden, NJ
A bento box of sushi made from the real fish from Finding Nemo
Season pass to the Ford’s Theatre’s production of “Our American Cousin”
Lifetime membership in the 50% Off-Masons Society
An officially licensed miniature replica of the White Houseboat, a houseboat that looks like the White House
A role as the first henchman who gets killed in the next Bond movie
A shit ton of buckyballs
A copy of bestselling book “How to Combat the Mormon Agenda”
Votes in Florida
You don’t have to be President and deal with all that bullshit