FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (or Severe Distortions, thereof) from Shel Horowitza.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. b.. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before c.. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments. d.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. e.. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine f.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. g.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes! h.. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? i.. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. j.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. l.. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. m.. Definition of a will: A dead give away. n.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. o.. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. q.. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed. r.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. s.. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. t.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. u.. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. v.. Every calendar's days are numbered. <w.. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. x.. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. y.. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Z.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. .. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A rope goes into a bar.<BR>The bartender says "We don't serve ropes in here".<BR>The rope leaves, unravels himself and ties himself in jumbled-up, twisted-up mess and goes back in the bar.<BR>The bartender asks him "Are you that rope I just threw out of here?".<BR>"Nope. Frayed knot", came the reply.

A young man from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?". The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." <P>Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did". <P>His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down and asked him how many customers bought something from him. The kids says one. <P>The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20-30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?". The kid says $101,237.65." Boss asked him what the heck he sold. <P>The kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook, then a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a fishing rod. He was going fishing down the coast so he needed a new boat and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. He didn't think his car coud pull it so he bought a 4x4 Expedition." <P>The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" <P>The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. <P>There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. <P>"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." <P>"Then" asks the teacher, "What are you?" <P>"Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. <P>The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. <P>"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." <P>The teacher, now angry, loudly says, "That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" <P>She pauses, and lets out a smile. "Then," Lucy says, "I'd be a liberal Democrat."

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. <P>The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives. <P>Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years. We gets our chicken from "Popeye's". <P>The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman<P>10. The cucumber has left the salad. <P>9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. <P>8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. <P>7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. <P>6. Elvis is leaving the building. <P>5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. <P>4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. <P>3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. <P>2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. <P>And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped..... <P>1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" <P>The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out <P>anyway! <P>Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a <P>date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a <P>secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete ****on, nine months <P>later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You got Male.

there's two muffins sittin in a oven....one muffin looks at the other one and says "man...it's pretty hot in here huh?"...the other one, terrified, says "GOOD GOD IT'S A TALKIN MUFFIN!!!"<P>lol...i love that one

What to not say to the nice policeman.<P>I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.<P>Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.<P>Aren't you the guy from the Village People?<P>Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!<P>I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.<P>I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.<P>Bad cop! No doughnut!<P>You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?<P>Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.<P>Didn't I see you get your **** kicked on Cops?<P>Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.<P>Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?<P>I pay your salary!<P>So, uh, you on the take or what?<P>Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!<P>Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.<P>I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.<P>What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.<P>Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.<P>Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!<P>Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?<P>I love that one!LOL

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.... <BR>Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you." <BR>Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" <P>Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. <P>Man: "Oh thank you so much!" <P>Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" <P>Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. <P>Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" <P>Girl: Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit. "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" <P>Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"<BR> :D :D