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Game of Frodo’s

From pod casts to forums to chat rooms dripping with conspiracy theories, the die-hard fans can finally extend their arms as the jewel in the crown, Game of Thrones returns for its fifth season. No Frodo is not going to be in the upcoming season.

If you have never watched Games of Thrones, the overcooked Middle Earth TV show that has enveloped all generations with its fantastical Dungeons and Dragons plot lines and soft porn scenes, than you’re probably a born-again Christian. So where did the Seven Kingdoms leave us mid- June last year, obviously out in the cold and wanting more of the same? But let’s backtrack a little so we know exactly the who, where, why and when.

The blonde hair blue eyed brat, King Joffrey Baratheon — no, not that villain from those ‘80’sKarate Kid films — was poisoned to deathduring his ‘purple’ wedding to Margaery Tyrell. This sets up the season for not only an unforgettable patricide scene between Lord Tyrion and Tywin Lannister, but also for the chain of events that follows. Theon Greyjoy lets it all hang loose as a brainwashed Romper Stomper – type character. He is now called Reek, and yes, his future endeavours leave a foul stench throughout season four.

Paying homage to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back, it took a hand dismemberment from Aussie actor Noah Taylor in season three to make Jaime Lannister realise he was no longer the ruthless ‘kingslayer’ in season four. His character has gone from a weird, incestuous rapist to a sort of pathetic loser who cannot resist his sister’s (Queen Cersei Lannister) sexual advances. The Queen is in fine form too, as she demands Tyrion’s arrest for the murder of her son Joffrey. He is innocent by the way.

In their search for the three-eyed raven, Bran Stark and his merry band of pranksters, Meera, Jojen and Hodor (minus his DJ turntables), finally reach the Weirwood heart tree to where all hell breaks loose. The ‘children of the forrest’ subplot has been similar to a slow-cooked plum and rosemary lamb shank dish, so it was a relief watching the Bran-Dor’s ‘Greensight or the Dead Zone moment’ saving the day once again. Summer the direwolf, also chipped in with some serious Lassie shit, while Meera made the heartbreaking decision to slash (Jojen) her brother’s throat, albeit justified considering he was about to be eaten alive.

Across the Narrow Sea, Queen Daenerys Targaryen learns that her Dothrakian sea dragons are acting like petulant school children, so she banishes the younglings to the catacombs. Drogon is not one to be held back and escapes, killing a goat herder’s daughter in the process. Khaleesi comes to the realisation that her once humble plaything has become the antithesis of the floppy eared Falkor the Luckdragon from The Neverending Story.

Arya Stark and Sandor Clegane (The Hound) who have been bumbling their way throughout the countryside like Ryan and Tatum O’Neal in Paper Moon, finally part ways. But this is not before Brienne of Tarth the modern day Germaine Greer, takes matters into her own hands; subjecting The Hound to a Marge Simpson-like shellacking, Strong Arms of the Ma.

The popping of Prince Oberyn’s head by Gregor Clegane (The Mountain) was one of the sordid climaxes to season four. It was like watching an axe to a watermelon, as the Red Viper of Dorne’s head exploded into nothingness. This prompted the actors Nymeros Martell (Oberyn) and Hafthór Björnsson (Clegane) to post an Instagram photo, arm in arm the next day, reminding people that GOT is not real life.

Sansa Stark, the Barbie-faced beauty that pined for the fame and fortune suddenly realises,‘don’t always wish for what you want, because it just might come true’.

And then there’s Petyr Baelish (Littlefinger) who has become the manipulative Cusackian puppet master. We not only find out that he orchestrated Joffrey’s death but he also organised Sansa’s escape, ran some damn fine brothels and is a pretty good accountant, if you are ever looking for someone around tax time.

Lord Tyrion Lannister also known as The Imp, the dwarf, Halfman, The Little Lion and Demon Monkey, and no, not The Station Agent, finally exacts revenge upon his defenceless bathroom ridden father, Tywin Lannister, who not only wanted to see Tyrion sentenced to death, but also stole his girlfriend Shae.

What is more coincidental is that this scene is comparable to Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction; when Bruce Willis (Butch) only by accident stumbles upon a powerless John Travolta (Vincent Vega) on the toilet before unloading a barrage of bullets on him. In this instance, Lord Tyrion takes advice from Mockingjay herself Katniss Everdeen and crossbows Tywin, his father to death.

The season concludes with Arya setting sail for the free city of Bravos. At first she is despondent, as the captain will not take her to the Wall so she can meet her half-brother Jon Snow, whom she assumes is her only living relative. She then produces the iron coin in which Jaqen H’ghar gave her. As the captain inspects the magical coin, seemingly astonished, she tells him ‘valar morghulis’ which means, “I will have your balls if you don’t do as I say”. He promptly nods and replies ‘valar dohaeris’, which means, “Man, these damn coins give me the shits”. And off to season five we sail.