• I was sexually abused for no reason, threatened, obligated. – Why? – No reason• I have a PhD title for the rest of my life: Victim of Sexual Abuse and Neglect. Why? – No reason• I was left ALONE, unheard for a long time while my abuser was having an intense rehab and qualified therapists• Others see me as a kid, like the kid inside me that never grew up• I feel my face is frozen, rigid, emotionless. • My dad said I didn’t deserve to be in his family when I was age 7 due to my abuse• After 13 years in silence dad told me not to “stress too much” because he’s known worse cases than mine• My mom is sick and I can’t tell her my problems because stress will make her feel worse.• My abuser came back from rehab and everything came back to “normality”. He used to go to my house, for birthdays and xmas as nothing had happened in the past. • No legal procedures were taken because they were afraid of what people would say• My abuser right now has a son, a family and a life. Meanwhile… I find it hard to organize myself and every single day I try to keep things in silence, coping with things I don’t want• I have a weird fetish with clothes or whatever unusual “thing” that didn’t let me have a normal sexuality exploration during puberty• I don’t have anyone to answer my questions• I had to read books to find accurate and scientific answers• I lacked of a masculine figure I could use as identification and motivation. I didn’t have any man I wanted to “become” or someone close I could use as an example. Right now I think that my self-conception of masculinity is very low, as well as my self confidence. • I find myself unable to maintain a relationship• I didn’t do a lot of normal things because of my dad’s stupid thoughts like: “If you do that, you’ll end up being gay”• Not having autonomy because of my dad for ALL my life.• Listening every day I am dad’s disappointment and that I was not his ideal son and friend because I didn’t go with him to the stadium, or talked about how’d I like to fuck a girl (sorry for the expression)• Being compared to other boys my age• Being robbed, living in a neighborhood in which it’s possible to walk around the corner and find a dead body or a blood stain on the street, or someone being shot in front of your house.• Crawling on floor because there was chance of being shot• Having a gun on my back being robbed.• Being scared of going to the street to the point that I had to take pills to calm down• Having catastrophic thoughts• Having had symptoms of schizophrenia and no one cared. As I was moving my eyes abnormally, dad told me that if I keep doing so, there would not be xmas gifts for me anymore• My sister wanting to kill herself because she feels pointless• My sister writing things on her skin with a blade• My sister taking overdoses of painkillers to kill herself• My sister becoming bisexual or gay at a very young age• My sister’s girlfriend parents want to kill her or have my sister leave her and in order to do so, they’d hurt my sister or her family (that is, us) as a punishment… so I was in danger in the streets• Being scared all the time because of my sister• My parents are going to separate• My father left the house for some days• My grandmother saying that mom was born of a cursed womb• Doing a great effort telling a friend about my case and he didn’t care• Not having a therapist for 13 years. Why? – NO REASON• Going to psychology sessions and finding out they didn’t work• Coping with people that encourage me to be in a relationship and/or to see women as sexual objects. Fuck that! I have plenty of things to think about already!• Coping with people that tell me I am ok and that I do not have anything to worry about• Looking at people my age that are happy, in a relationship, fully identified with no fears or catastrophic thoughts, dysfunctional parents etc.• Having difficulty to breathe because of depression and anxiety• Taking pills to feel better. Stimulate serotonin secretion in my brain• Being hit and grounded by my dad for stupid things. I had to take a ladder to the backyard to reach a window to be able to talk to some friends• Being hit by a baseball bat on a side of my head. It was so strong that my left hand was numb for hours.• Not being able to talk with friends openly about my problems• Being TIRED of my 13yr-long fake smile. Let’s face it, I am not happy• Being TIRED of my 13yr-long fake sympathy• I am tired of being a printed paper with excellent grades, making people think I am that productive because I am internally ok… That’s a LIE!• Realizing that I have very low self esteem• Thinking that very probably I wouldn’t be a good father in the future. In case of having a son, would I be a good-enough masculine figure that he could use as a motivation and identification? In case of a girl, would I be good as a figure of complementation?• Thinking that I shouldn’t marry and have kids for the future because I don’t want to make this “curse” a neverending story. I wouldn’t like my kids to write things like this or to have a depressed, lost inside father. • It’s absurd the fact that people think “Oh he’s got excellent grades, hence, he is an example for today’s youth and bla bla…” while inside I am NOT ok. People don’t realize that study is for me like a shield, a resource to flee from society. Then What? I think I should’ve been a paranoid or crazy hyper to let them know I was PROBABLY not ok.• Being considered among my family and friends as the COLDEST and emotionless person they ever met. Every time they have problems they cry, they can express their feelings and so on… I CAN NOT cry, my grandma died and I was feeling very bad inside and could not cry. I feel a knot inside my throat and that’s it. Sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe.• Going to stress management class and not being able to tell my “problems”. I have to pretend I am stressed for another reason. What about telling everyone: “Hey, I am a survivor of sexual victimization for no reason, threatened, and no one cared for 13 years, plus, all the college stress and the fact that I live alone etc…? • Going to the doctor and tell this entire story to get an appointment to the psychologist; go to the psychologist and tell this entire story to get a once-a-month (luckily) appointment to the psychiatrist. Therapist information in my country? None. Would a psychiatrist work? • Telling mom all this and she was blaming herself of leaving me alone all this time, then she was crying, walking on the street.• Finding another item for this list every day.• Writing a tale (that no one reads) in which I live together with my inner child, and I end with the conclusion that I want to kill him• My grandmother telling my sister about all MY case.• Going to the doctor at age 7 to see If I was affected by the abuse. Horrible• My dad telling his mom about all the problems he has. Isn’t he capable enough to handle family issues by himself of at least with professional aid? By the way, he hates whatever kind of psychologists, therapists, etc. My mother’s mom does not know anything. Mom takes care of her and her family problems by herself and she asks for professional aid when needed. Dad can’t do that.• Not wanting to be like my dad. No matter what we’re talking about• My dad telling me that the family is screwed up because of him on the last xmas day. And that he was going to kill himself that day.

Thanks for sharing your list and letting us see what is really going on inside of you.I also grew up with a mother who was mentally ill. I grew up always putting her needs ahead of mine.A father who was cold,aloft and unemotionally unavailable. Who always wanted me us to be friends and not father/son.Always being conpared to others and having both of my parents point my failings out to me constantly.There are so many things on your list that I can identify with I could have written it myself.

Just want to let you know you are not alone in your struggles with the abused you have suffered. There are alot of us who have been right were you find yourself now. Things have gotten so much better for me and my life.I will be honest with you it has been a long and difficult road to travel. But well worth the pain and effort that I have endured to get here.I have had to search and find help on my own. But if you keep looking and reaching out you will other people who will reach out and help you on your path of healing.

Wish you the best.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

Just wanted to say that, believe it or not, you're two steps ahead of most people in that most people can't say all that until they're much older, if at all. Take some time and notice that most of the participants on this group are men much older than you. There's a reason for that.

Continue to let your youth be your guide and your older years will be so much better. I know this sounds "pat". But really, think hard about why it is that most of us can't get to the hard stuff until we have years behind us.

I hope you stick around, this group has really helped a lot of folk. It's the beginning, or can be.

Have you looked at the therapist resource guide on this site? If there is no one listed near you, you could look for agencies that do sexual assault counseling. They may have someone on staff with experience working with male survivors. If you go go www.rainn.org and list your zip code they can give you names of therapists and/or agencies that do csa counseling.

I think that it has alot to do with that there are places like M/S to come to and deal with csa issues than anything else.In the eighties when I first got sober and started dealing with my csa issues there were very limited resources that dealt with this subject.When I was in my chemical dependency recovery at the Kaiser hospital in CA. Everytime that I tried to bring up my csa issue I was always immedicately shut down.For whatever reason they did and still don't want to address this issue. Mike Lew's "Victims no more" was the only book that I could find dealing male csa issues. Here in So. California it is still difficult to find any support groups in the area.In 20+years in recovery just recently have I been able to find a group of csa men who are meeting together to help each other.So I don't think it is an age thing but more about lack of rescources available to men who want to recover. Even today!Plus it takes a extreme long time to get a handle on what we are dealing with.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

I just wanted to let you know that i have read all your posts and can really feel your pain. I relate alot to many of the feelings you have expressed, the feelings about lack of real recognition for what was done and how things are handled and about difficulties expressing emotions and the injusice of the whole thing. Also the whole doctors and medical professional thing i agree is a complete nightmare- i quit at the doctor stage. You have a long list (and i am sure that is only a few of them) of things you are concerned about, lots of these things can be tackled. Some things need to be over-written, false or altered ideas we have about ourselves due to the things that were done to us, some things need to be re-written by things we do- we must convince ourselves of our worth not only be mental tasks such as reading books but also doing active things that reinforce the good things about ourselves. Sometimes doing something such as exploring a new hobby or an old hobby can open up new door ways and we can start to see ourselves in a different light. Sometimes, especially concerning family members, it can be necessary to evict people who are harmful to our state of mind.

Healing and recovery means a different thing to each individual person, and it is certainly a journey, and we all have different things to overcome, but i like to think that we should start with the mindset that, even if you don't believe it yet, we were innoccent children who didn't deserve this, that we are worthwhile, and that even if sometimes we are treated without respect, without worth, without consideration or compassion, it does not mean that we don't deserve respect, or that we are worthless, or that we shouldn't be able to forfill our dreams and hold our heads up high knowing that we are actually very strong individuals- we may sometimes find it difficult to even function doing day-to-day tasks, but that is because we have alot to deal with, and many people don't make it this far.

I also notice your first question, the question of Why?, i am quite sure there are alot of really interesting threads on that question on this site- if you do a search i am sure you will find some- or perhaps other members here will recall where they can be found. The most complete answer would probably consider two things. Firstly there is no answer to "why?" that would bring any kind of justice or contentment to the question, there are never any justifiable reasons and no reasons that will make it seem ok- because it was not ok. An answer to the question of "why"" would not be one that looks at yourself, even if you feel that somehow it may have been your fault (it was not your fault)- it is about the abuser and the abusers state of mind- the lies that the abuser tells himself to try to make it ok- lies like maybe the child likes it or maybe the child wont remember or it is not so bad. Why me? yep, it seems so unfair, and makes you question alot of things, i have ranted to God so many times about that one. When we ask "why?" we are looking for some kind of justification, in my opinion i don't think there is any, we have lost alot and feel alot of pain, from no fault of our own. But we develop from our past experiences, and we can become better because of it. Only by looking at the people on this site i can see how remarkable everybody is, we all have our dark days and it is easier to see qualities in other people than in ourselves, but it is becoming more and more clear to me that even with our difficulties, we have strengths beyond the imaginings of most people. You have those strengths, like Katie said, you have already taken a massive step by writing out your list here.

Lewis

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.

I am very happy with all your comments and I feel a lot better. I wrote that list in a moment of crisis and as Lewis said, "there's more" but I didn't want to upload it.

About the "Why?" question. I think that in society we tend to think about "What I do and what I deserve". Certainly this is not my fault and asking myself "Why" again and again only makes me feel worse.

As I said before, I think you are lucky because there's plenty of T help out there... I am still looking for a therapist.

I am sorry again because I know that the list is tiresome, but you have no idea how much I appreciate the fact that you all read it; It's like wanting to scream, to let somebody else know what I am feeling.

I really get what you mean -- there has to be a place to go, and for lots of people who were personally ready to go, there wasn't a place.

But it's also often true that we aren't ready to go until we are, and often that's not until rather late in life.

There's been places and resources availabe to me to deal with my stuff, but it's taken until I'm 45 to really, more seriously, do so.

So there's sense in applauding a young guy to have both the self-knowledge and courage to want to take stock and make life better. If I had been so bold, my life now would be different.

And yes, there's been a huge lack of resources for men who've been sexually abused, no doubt about it. So the older guys should feel really proud that they're helping to pave the way for the next generation -- it's pretty huge.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.