Decided to write this now cos I ended up thinking about it anyway.It's long.. cos I thought I'd try to get as much detail in as possible, sorry if it's too long!

Right...Obviously you know I ended up in hospital; I was in Ward 12 at Heatherwood.I gave my life story to 3 people at Royal Berks A&E and the Mental Health Nurse faxed his notes over to Heatherwood and got me admitted.

That was Wednesday night (technically Thurs morning as we ended up at A&E at about 1am and at Heatherwood at about 6am).I had to tell everything to a bunch of people again, nurses and doctors, all seperately.

The reason I had to go in was because I was in an extremely violent manic state and had no control over hurting myself. I had compulsions, urges to hurt myself and other people.

I was told I'd have a key nurse and I'd see her Thursday and she'd explain what was going to happen, and that I'd be assessed over a few days.

What actually happened was that they got me to stay up and have breakfast and then they said I had to go for medication, where my key nurse said she wouldn't give me the diazepam my gp had prescribed for the anxiety (new situation, scared of being on a psych ward, surrounded by [for want of a better word] loons and they wouldn't give me anything for anxiety in what was obviously going to be a distressing situation. They continued to refuse me this during my stay and wouldn't give it back to me when I left, by the way. My GP put me straight back on it when I saw him monday as well, by the way.They kept me awake saying I had to see my nurse before I could sleep, and at about 09:30 (having not had any sleep due to being at casualty then heatherwood) I finally went to another nurse and told her I HAD to sleep as I'd been awake for about 27 hours. They finally let me sleep.I was woken briefly by a doctor and my key nurse and they said not to worry as I needed to sleep and that I'd be seen the next day instead. I said I'd rather see the doctor there and then, but he said I was obviously in need of sleep and not to worry about it.I was woken for lunch, and then went back to bed afterwards.

Woken again at around 4 when Rob arrived, which was good. Had tea with him there and spent the evening with him.Because he was there, I was a lot more calm, quite happy, felt pretty fine.

Friday:

Saw a doctor in the morning.At first she was ok; she was nice and pleasant anyway. She did take a phone call mid-conversation, but explained she was with a patient. She was very rushed though.She explained to me that I obviously have genetic coding for bi-polar as my Mum is bp. She said I obviously have bp tendancies, but that I'm not bp, as I don't get extremes of mania or depression. She asked me once about depression and I told her it ranged from mild to severely suicidal. She then went on to tell me I didn't really get depressed. She listed symptoms of extreme mania which she said I didn't get, which I had told every single person I'd seen who'd needed to take notes on what had happened, that I DO get those problems, and I'd told her during the conversation that I DO get those problems. This was before she told me the symptoms, so I wasn't just getting a list of symptoms from her and saying I get that. I'd told doctors on Wednesday aboutit, and in fact I'd given a list of symptoms including the ones she mentioned, to my GP a week - 2 weeks ago.She then suddenly stood up and looked at her watch and said she had to go, right in the middle of our conversation.She said she'd be back that afternoon to sort out medication and I could go, and that she'd phoned Rob to tell him he could pick me up and I would be discharged.

This is where it starts to go wrong.

She came back that afternoon and said I had to stay in over the weekend for some more assessment and that medication would be sorted out on monday.She was really brief, didn't bother to ask if I was ok with that. I understand she was probably busy, but I was in there cos I tried to kill myself... a bit of seeming to care would have helped.She said during this conversation that she'd spoken to my GP about it and that side of things would be sorted out, and my GP would do the medication itself.

I got really depressed about this and ended up sleeping the afternoon.

Rob turned up after work expecting to take me home - they hadn't bothered to tell him he couldn't.

So...We talked to a nurse.And in that conversation we were told about 5 or 6 completely different things.I could go home, I couldn't go home, I had to stay over the weekend but I could go out Sunday evening to watch the football, I could go home and come back monday, I could go home and come back Sunday night, I could go home full stop.Even Rob was thoroughly confused by it.

What seems to have happened is that the doctor I saw told Rob and I one thing, wrote another thing in the notes, and told the nurse yet another thing.

I tried to explain to the nurse that I was not happy with the doctor and I didn't think she'd listened to me, and that she'd told us all completely different things, and the nurse just started to talk about something completely different. Rob stepped in and said she wasn't listening to the complaint, and she continued to talk about something different.

We got thoroughly fed up of all of this. The nurse had to ring different people about 3 times during all of this, so all of this took HOURS.

She then said we could decide what we wanted to do.I mostly wanted to go home, but I wanted to know what would happen to sort out the problem since they'd not given me any kind of medication in hospital other than a sleeping tablet thursday night.

She said that my GP would sort out the medication on Monday whatever we decided to do.She said it was technically against medical advice to go home friday evening.But it was ok to go home and then come back Sunday evening.So... we thought we'd do that.So Rob said if I take her now, shall I bring her back Sunday evening or Monday morning.She said I didn't need to go back, my GP would sort out medication, there's a referal to Reading mental health services, I have a community psych nurse and a psychiatrist, it's all ok. They also gave me the crisis team number.She said I could go home there and then and it was all ok.

She made me sign a form that was saying I was going home against medical advice, which we don't agree with because she was the medical advice and she said it was ok!But... I was so confused at that point, I'd have signed a blank cheque!

So...I got really bad again Sunday night, but we managed to control it without needing help; we were quite worried that if we called the crisis team they'd just tell us to go back to Ward 12 and I didn't really want to.

So Monday.I go to my GP who has no idea I've even been in hospital.No one at the surgery had been spoken to, the doctor had lied to me. I am just about 100% sure she said my GP had been spoken to, not that they would speak to him. Rob also got that impression from the nurse later on.My GP is rather unimpressed.I tell him that they told me he'd prescribe me medication.He is VERY unimpressed.He's a GP. He's a good one, but he's still just a GP. He cannot prescribe medication for me; he tells me I need a specialist to do that.He tells me to go back on the diazepam straight away (I had a panic attack in the waiting room because I was having violent thoughts again and there were too many people around me).He said he'd find out what was going on and I should ring at lunch time.

I ring at lunch time and he's been called out to an emergency; fair enough. I can't complain about that!

I speak to him later, and he speaks to Rob as well. Basically the hospital are being useless. They're saying I discharged myself against medical advice so tough. He agrees with Rob and I that it is harsh that they're saying that; since the medical person talking to us told Rob he didn't have to take me back and it was fine!

He has absolutely no luck with them on Monday (it was his secretary who spoke to them). He tells me he'll ring Tuesday morning to speak to an actual nurse himself.

I spoke to him this evening; my records are not on the ward anymore, no one seems to have any kind of clue or want to do anything about it.

So the situation where it stands at the moment is that he's going to get the senior consultant (who didn't actually see me, but seemed to overrule that naff doctor's "definitely not BP" with a "we need to actually look at this properly") to call him tomorrow so he can make something happen.

I've been left to cope with the problems that put me into hospital with no medication.At the time I was put into hospital I was a danger to myself and other people.Nothing's actually changed there...

They have 3 things they can say to get out of this.

1) They have offered me support by saying I can go back there any time I feel I need to and be admitted. I don't need to go through A&E, just ring Ward 12 and go back.

This is no longer an option - they've proved themselves to be incompetent. Everything they're doing is sending my moods all over the place - the one thing they KNOW should not be happening as it's dangerous. We have no confidence whatsoever in them, there'd be no way we could go back there. They've only served to make me worse.

2) They gave me the crisis team support number.

With the kind of crisis I get if we can't control it, they'd send me straight back to Ward 12. See above.

3) I signed a piece of paper saying I was discharging against medical advice.

My GP agrees that that is harsh. If the nurse had actually explained it properly and told me that the doctor, or senior consultant didn't want me to go, I'd have stayed. She didn't. We were told so many different things and she gave us the option. As though it were fine. She even told us it was fine. She told Rob I didn't need to be brought back!Besides; she confused me so much I would have signed anything.And they didn't give us a copy of what I signed.

I personally think that what they're doing amounts to mental torture. I'm probably overreacting on this; my mind is in a very bad state and they are constantly making it worse.They know why I was admitted, they know I couldn't cope, they know I didn't have any options on coping - it wasn't a rational choice to kill myself, it was a compulsion that I acted upon before I even realised I was doing it. Being that those compulsions are against both myself and other people, I could quite easily harm someone else without realising what I am doing. I need something to stop that.They've just dumped me on my GP, which is extremely unfair on him, and absolutely useless to me. He cannot do anything for the problems I have.So... I am being forced to try and cope with serious episodes that have had me admitted to a psychiatric ward with no real support and no medication to prevent it happening again.I cannot get through a single day without breaking down in one way or another.And the constant messing around that they're doing about all of this is making it worse.It may only be 3 days that it's been really bad (sunday night, monday night, tonight), but I can only tell myself "It's just another day" for so long... I can't convince myself tonight that it's just one more night so I can cope, because I've been trying that too long now and I know it might not be anymore.Three days might sound like a short time but it's felt like weeks.

I am probably overreacting to what they're doing... but there is a reason I ended up on a psych unit. Of all the people in the world, they should know how to handle someone like that. Instead they've acted in a way to force mood swings and dangerous mood triggers and are forcing me to cope with all of this with no support.It feels like torture because I have no way of escaping it without their cooperation. They are literally FORCING me to be like this. And to be quite frank, it's dangerous.They've removed my support because I cannot even think of going back to them because of this.They've refused to give me medication and lied to me about how I would get medication to resolve this and for long term care of the problem.

And every day that it drags on it gets more and more difficult to cope with it and I didn't cope with it last week. And this is so much worse because there are actual stupid idiots messing with my head on top of it all.

So there it is.

I don't know what else to say, I think I've got it all down, if you want to ask anything, do. Sorry for the length!Thoracic Outlet Syndrome from birth - Diagnosed 1999Fibromyalgia from birth - Diagnosed 2005(?) Ulcerative Colitis - waiting for tests(?) BiPolar - currently on Diazepam whilst waiting for assessment.Thrombocytacemia

Oh Djonma! -- My poor hunny! I just want to give you such a hug right now. Reading this has made me mad angry for you (and a little teary too!). I just hope that your lovely doctor gets more sense out of them when he calls and that it's not as bad as it sounds like it's been ... though I doubt it... . That nurse sounds incompetent. Well, believe me, my ex works for the ambulance service and he is frequently *very* unimpressed by the ineptitude he sees around him -- on the road and in er. I've had my own brush with er incompetence .. but the wards too... ugh. I'm just really sorry you've had this going on.

One thing I still maintain is that you are dealing with all of this with a strength that I find truly inspirational. -- You've had something terrible to cope with, and you have been so realistic and rational about it. I was bowled over by your post when you said about having been in hospital just after you got back -- as I say: inspirational.

I just want you to get the help you need so much -- as I know do you. I really hope this happens soon -- and that you are sorted out with a psychiatrist who can do the prescribing you need as soon as you move. I have all my fingers crossed that the senior consultant comes good -- there really *are* good docs out there (GPs and psychiatrists/psychologists). You post here whenever you feel like it hun: we'll do whatever we can to help you through this phase.

in the states, you would have a $million lawsuit. but you're not in the litigious usa. darn.

if i remember correctly, wasn't there a complaint prrocedure that you could file against nh? i'd sure as heck file one. i've been treated better by palistinians than you were treated by these "helping" professionals. sorry. it just makes me angry.