Weekly Top Five: "White Michael Vick"

Each week Stephen Teach-Me-How-To Douglas and I will recap some of the bigger stories from the lively week in athletics. It’s a completely original idea that we started over 20 months ago. Every time this post appears, Drogo explains that beetles will feed on your eyes. As always, please remember to be as irrational as possible when interacting with your fellow TBL commenters.

1. White VickTSH — The beauty of publishing a catastrophe such as “White Michael Vick” is the outpouring of comedy that quickly follows. So thanks to the powers that be at ESPN the Publication, we’ve all been able to enjoy Michael Vick the Actual Eagle, Edible Michael Vick, and Headless Michael Vick thanks to our friends at JoeSportsFan. There was also Ginger Michael Vick, which was pretty special in its own right. See, everyone won. ESPN got their pageviews and we got to laugh. Safe to say all parties are prepared for the next explosive outrage.

2. Sidney CrosbyTSH — Sidney Crosby is amazingly just 24 years of age. I’m not exactly a hockey fanatic, though it is one of the funnest sports to see live, but it would be a shame if this is the last we’ve seen of him regardless of the fact he’s already procured a dream’s worth of accomplishments. Having said that, the guy is a hockey player. I’m guessing we’ll see him on the ice again.

CRM — It’s insane that we’re not immediately shrugging off the idea that Crosby could retire at 24. Concussions are a really serious subject obviously. The idea that a player might be prematurely retired is graspable, but arguably the best player in the sport? At such a young age? This shit isn’t right. Hopefully both Crosby and hockey helmets get much better very soon.

3. Jered Weaver, Kinda RichTSH — Bravely dodging the open market and humbly accepting $85 million is grounds for an 80s slow clap in the sports world. All we ask now is that Jered ditch the cartoon dog look and hire a stylist with some of that cash.

CRM — The Yankees will still offer him $161 million when he’s in his mid thirties. By then, his kids will be old enough they won’t want to talk to him. Fucking asshole kids. I feel sorry for all the parents out there. No wonder you’re hanging out on a sports blog.

4. The U

TSH — We didn’t do a Weekly Top Five last Friday so we missed an opportunity to mock the leg-humper of Miami Hurricanes football, Nevin Shapiro. That’s a disappointing state of affairs, though his embarrassing Caesar haircut is of course negated by his God-given bro-ness. On a positive note, we’ve all been gifted with this mesmerizing Irvin-Sapp GIF. Even Steven.

CRM — This gif makes me want to punch any baby I ever see wearing green or orange for the rest of my life.

5. Something About the NFLTSH — We are less than two weeks away from opening night in the NFL. That game — Saints at Packers — miraculously does not involve a New York team. A few uneasy souls will still manage to find something wrong with the match-up and vocifeoursly complain, and when they do, we shall arrange for said individuals to be shot out of a cannon.

CRM — Are you ready for a Pigsplosion!? Are you ready to spend Sunday at the bar? I’ve slowly, but surely been getting back into football mode with some preseason games. I know in the back of my head it doesn’t matter, but it resembles something I love so much. I can’t wait

TSH — Of all the crap Snooki is wearing here, I’m fascinated by the almond lodged in her disgusting belly button.

CRM — She’s so gross. I’d rather turn my attention to the video below. If Lil Wayne’s answer to Kanye is Drake, he might as well go away. Seriously. He released a shitty rock album right? Drake fucking sucks. #shotsfired