Snarky Musings of a Professional Slack Ass

DNA is Code for Do Not Admit (So quit giving yours away)

You only have to watch TV for about 3 minutes before you see a commercial for one of those companies offering to tell you your ancestral origins if you’ll submit a DNA swab and 99 bucks. In three short weeks, you can find out that you’re 1/4th Irish, 1/8th German, and 1/16th African American. Maybe that used to matter when Obama was president and you could qualify for some scholarships or something, but now it just means you’re on the no fly list and if you leave the country, you might not be able to come back even if you were born and raised here. But I’m sure that’s neither here nor there…right?

Anyhoo, politics aside, did it ever occur to anyone that this is a big scam? I mean how do they really determine you’re part Irish? Is there an Irish gene? Maybe there is; I don’t know. I didn’t bother to search it up on the Goggle, because I’m a slack ass. I think they just check your BAC, and if it’s above .0001, they’re like IRISH! And then you feel justified for your overzealous St. Patty’s Day celebrations. Everyone wins.

But seriously, isn’t anyone concerned about what they’re doing with your DNA after they run that little test? They already claim to be able to match you up with other possible people you may be related to, so hence, they’re keeping a database of all the paying DNA contributors. Maybe that’ll work out in your favor and your distant great uncle Jim who happens to be a millionaire has no other legal heirs to claim his assets upon his death. Or more than likely, Jim is dying a broke and lonely sucker and now you’re responsible tor his funeral bill and settling out his nonexistent estate.

Even more sinister, maybe they are cloning you. Perhaps there are little you’s running around in France that you’ll never know about. Until someone wants you to pay child support.Or until those little heathens commit a heinous crime and you’re now a suspect because your DNA matches the DNA found at the scene. This ain’t the kinda stuff we should be messing with. Ever watch Pet Sematary? That didn’t end well. And Mr. Munster warned us all about it…

Which brings me to the pure fact that now you’ve voluntarily given up your DNA, it is now in some huge database that’s recorded your genetic fingerprint. Do you really want that kind of evidence out there before you’ve even done anything wrong? Because God forbid you do become a suspect in some horrible crime, you may not have the choice to exert your 5th Amendment right to not incriminate yourself. If you’re willy nilly handing out your DNA to complete strangers, why can’t the State just borrow that information to use against you?

More evil than the government, maybe the insurance companies will use that information against you to deny coverage. Your great aunt Edna had breast cancer? NO INSURANCE FOR YOU! You may never get breast cancer, but it doesn’t matter. Edna had it and now you’re marked. You’ll pay higher premiums than people who might actually get breast cancer, if any company will actually insure you at all.

I’m sure it’s nothing; I’m probably just being paranoid. Y’all go ahead and freely submit evidence that normally would have to be garnered by court order to see if you can officially celebrate the Cinco de Mayo.

You might be celebrating it on the other side of The Wall, but así es la vida.