That is both the good news and the bad. It’s bad news if you don’t want to work on yourself, if you aren’t willing to let go of bad habits. The good news is, the solution is something that is in your power to influence. You control freaks who have beaten your head against the wall trying to get your partner to change know what I’m talking about. Lord, I know what I’m talking about. So, this is good news! You can stop working so hard to influence other people’s behavior or earn love. You just have to change your mindset.

So how exactly is your BRAIN ruining your relationships?

Imagine a scenario when you experienced a disappointment. Maybe your partner wasn’t available for you. Your last four OK Cupid connections never made it to a real live date. Something happened. And then you and your inventive brain made up a story about why that thing happened. The stories are usually trying to make sense out of a situation, so they will place blame. Blame on yourself, like “I’m too (pushy, old, fat, smart).” Or on them “They are (dumb, spineless, selfish).” Oh the lists can go on and on.

Self-blame instantly makes you feel worse about yourself, and therefore less attractive. Less confident. Even worse is blaming others. Do you know that obsessing thinking that happens when you start making your case for how the other person wronged you? The list of their “sins” gets longer and longer. When you start thinking about all the ways your partner or prospective partner is failing you or not measuring up, you find them less attractive. And here’s a truth, people can sense how you feel about them, even when you don’t speak the words.

Change your focus from what you don’t want, to what you do. Imagine it unfolding just as you want it, in vivid detail.

And while you are at it, be grateful, because this experience of what you don’t want is there to sharpen your ideas about what you do want.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

When you change the direction of your thoughts, you will change your feelings, which will change your experience. When you act from a place of positivity, you are more likely to attract what you want. Try it out. Next time someone doesn’t call, instead of resenting them, think of all the reasons you like them. You’ll be amazed when the phone suddenly rings. When you want your partner to be more loving, think more lovingly of them, and watch as they come in your direction.