I have often said that suicide is the point where a persons pain outweighs their ability to cope. Some of us cut ourselves for that endorphin rush that follows. The physical pain outweighs the emotional for just a while. It soothes what is wrong with us. Those of use who cut know why we do it. Those that don’t will never understand the brief respite that it brings.

As all of you have probably guessed I include pictures with many of my posts. These are pictures that affected me in one way or another. They meant something to me. I have been looking for one in particular. It seems that no one has been able to capture the haunted hunted look that I see in my eyes when I look in the mirror. Perhaps that is why I stay away from mirrors.

People see the scars and ask. I tell them that yes I did it to myself, yes I had a reason, and yes I wear the scars proudly. They are a sign that I am still alive, still me, and still breathing for the moment.

I have been asked why I don’t raise my voice and why I don’t scream. I don’t scream because I am afraid I might never stop.

An empty room with an empty girl sits silently on the floor she stares at the exposed skin and drags the blade and presses in the comfort that this action brings are worth the scars that will not have the chance to heal soon she will know what it is like not to feel.

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About Killingdanse

I am the girl that was pretty but too smart. I am the girl that you sat and discussed horror movies, sci-fi novels, and molecular genetics with but were scared of because sometimes you saw the darkness peak out from inside me.

4 Responses to On Suicide Cutting and Other Things That Make People Cringe

You consider yourself empty. Why? To be vacant, to be literally empty isn’t that ignorance? To have an empty head? If you think you are intelligent then you are more full than me. The way you describe cutting, it sounds like pure temporary endorphin pleasure, but it is forbidden and more desirable because of it. I crack my knuckles, it hurts but it feels good, I shouldn’t do it in public, but it feels like a relief. Cracking my knuckles does not do me any harm though. I am not telling you to stop, but there are risks that go with your choice of release. If I ever cracked my knuckles too hard and they were to explode, I would never crack them again, not even softly. I would never take a blade to my wrist because I can see my veins. I know what a waste my life would be, and bleeding out is one of the worst ways to go. The sheer toll you put on everyone who ever knew you? It is just disgustingly strong. Imagine if this is the last thing I ever wrote, and I wrote it to you. Then in a few minutes I OD, this would be the last contact I ever had with the world, and it would be with you.

I don’t care if you stop, I think you could and I think you couldn’t give a rats arse what I think. If you did though and I found out I was the last person to talk to you, even if you never replied to this, I would never be the same as a person. I stumbled onto your blog my searching for the word cringe.

I am not sure you understood my meaning of empty. I didn’t mean ignorant, unintelligent or nothing in my head. I meant that there is a huge void in my as if someone sucked out me soul. It is very painful. Many times I cut because physical pain dulls the emotional pain for a while. The places that I cut are not particularly dangerous to my health and I know how to cut if I wanted to die. As for the rest I am sorry if this was not the type of cringe you were looking for. What were you looking for when you came across this?
KD

Wow I came over really badly and was not clear at all! I hadn’t slept the previous night, was trying to write an assignment and I decided to have a quick break and look at some cringe worthy stuff on http://www.reddit.com/r/cringe, I don’t find anything and come here instead, look for cringe worthy stuff, your post popped up, read it and thought that you wanted to kill yourself. I pretty much just took my procrastination out on you. It was unfortunate as my course recently did a whole “Don’t ignore cyber-suicide letters go ignored!” 2 hour lecture.

I think what I was trying to write was don’t be dumb, you’re smart and you could hurt yourself you numpty (although I now find my own post more cringe worthy than anything on all the internet).

WHY IS THERE NO DELETE FEATURE, If I could kill it I would. Well thanks for reading all that bullshit! Never did finish that bloody assignment.

It is alright if you read the post work avoidance you will know I have the same problem with procrastinating. By the way rotten.com is great for seriously cringe worthy stuff. Anyway I did not take offense to your post. I know it was not intended to be mean spirited. I also understand having a class bleed over into life (I do have a degree in psych and have diagnosed all my friends lol). I write this blog so people know they are not alone in what they feel and for my own benefit of getting it out. I knew when I wrote this I would get quite a few responses that were less than nice those I did not approve because I write this so people understand the behavior rather than feel guilty or as if they are doing something shameful.

I do hurt myself just not to the degree that there is any serious damage, just scarring which I don’t mind at all. There are a lot of people who cut and don’t know there are safer ways to do it but for the most part those of us that do have figured out how deep to go and where to cut. The danger lies more in how people react to it than it does in the actual act. When someone is ridiculed for doing the thing that makes them feel better then they might actually start cutting the bottoms of their wrists as opposed to the tops. It is important for people to realize that it is a coping mechanism. Not a really good one but it helps and the reality of suicide is that a person kills themselves when the pain exceeds the ability to cope with it. So in essence if standing on your head and reciting the star spangled banner works for them then they should do that. If cutting extends their ability to cope then as long as they know what they are doing…

For me it helps me cope with the darkness inside of me. As long as I can keep that at bay then I will continue breathing. When someone cuts themselves it is not a sign that they are suicidal it is a sign that they are dealing with what they are feeling in a way that works for them. I don’t recommend someone start doing it but it is a whole lot better than turning to illegal drugs or alcohol. It is actually a lot safer than heroine, cocaine, or alcohol. Many doctors now recognize it not as a sign of suicide but as a sign of attempting to deal with life.

I am sorry you didn’t get your paper done and wish you all the best with it. This blog is sometimes funny and sometimes painful to read. It is meant to inform both those who deal with people who suffer from mental illness and to help those that are mentally ill know that they are not alone. This is why I invite comments, questions, dialog, or communication. I have dealt with my schizophrenic architects since I was very young. They consist of a few different disorders that I can either deal with or die from.

If someone really wants to kill themselves they usually will not blog about it. They generally just do it and if they are caught try it again learning from their mistakes. If you read through all the posts from the beginning I think you might get a better understanding of it and me. Sorry this was so long but I felt that you should know that I didn’t take offense to your reaction and encourage you to learn more about it.
KD