Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tonight's theme, if you want to call it that, is "any songs that are popular digital downloads." So, like, every song released after 1950. Too bad for Megan, who is probably praying for Carmen Miranda Week.To start the show, Ryan talks to the judges, who have nothing of value to say. Kara attempts to define "artistry" in under a million pointless words. And speaking of true artists, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin are in the audience! Don't these two have a Danielle Steele novel-based movie they should be working on?

First up to bat is Anoop Desai, who plans to honor Randy's whiny requests for more "energy" by singing Usher's "Caught Up." Well, it is indeed more energetic than his last two performances, but this is just aight for me, dawg. The vocals aren't bad, but I hate the mock-serious faces that Anoop keeps making. And I'm not sure that Indian dudes who say "homies" sound any less ridiculous than white dudes who do. Four of Anoop's frat brosephs are in the audience. It's nice that they took time out of their busy beer pong and date rape schedule to support their pal. And by "support," I mean "make loud drunken noises while mugging for the cameras." Randy seems happy with Anoop's vocals, but he's not completely sold on the song. Neither is Kara, who says that the performance felt like something a bunch of frat guys (not pointing out anyone specific, of course) dared him to do, and that it lacked originality. Paula spits out an amalgam of Randy and Kara's thoughts, while Simon blasts Anoop for a "complete, utter mess." Anoop stayed calm through it all, but it was obvious that he was fighting the urge to give every one of the judges swirlies.

Megan Joy 's hair looks hideous. It's as if she fell asleep in Jason Castro's car while they were thinkin' Bob Marley and doing bong hits, and woke up five minutes before she had to go on. She sings "Turn Your Lights Down Low," by Bob Marley...and Lauryn Hill. Yes, it's another one of those live-person-singing-over-a-track-a-dead- person-already-recorded songs that we all love so much. Megan attempts to make an emotional connection with the song by standing near-motionless and wearing a completely vacant expression, all while killing poor, defenseless notes. Kara, after bitching that Anoop wasn't original enough,insists that Megan should have sung an Adele song since she sounds more like her. As she is babbling, some guy (not sure if it's one of the frat boys, one of Megan's friends, or just a very astute audience member) shouts at her, "BROKEN RECORD!" Oh, SNAP. I totally wanna marry that guy. Paula takes over, and I honestly have no idea what she's saying. Something about a stool. No clue. Simon's love affair with Megan must be officially over, because he calls the song boring and montonous, and accuses M-Joy of becoming "indulgent." (I swear, this season feels like Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Every time Simon says "indulgent" I feel like I should start screaming.) Randy tries to puts Kara's record back together again by telling Megan that she should be choosing Adele, Duffy, or Amy Winehouse songs. Oh, won't someone break that record over his giant walrus head?

Danny Gokey is up next, and I hold my breath and wait for Seacrest to bring up the news that Danny's grandfather passed away last week. Surprisingly, nothing is mentioned. Look, I feel bad for the guy, but he's already cruised through to the Top 2 (yes, I know we're not there yet, but let's not pretend we don't know what's happening) on the appeal of his widower backstory. I'm sure Idol is playing it safe by not bringing up the grandfather, because there has already been a backlash from fans who think that Gokey is pimping the memory of his wife to get votes. I have to say that the very first time I saw this guy, I thought he was kind of cute and seemed sweet. Then, as I saw more of him, he started to rub me the wrong way. I think after tonight, I genuinely despise him. First of all, he gives a mostly average performance (with a few good moments) of that whiny Rascal Fatts song, "What Hurts the Most," screaming so much through the middle that he nearly runs out of oxygen. Then, the judges go NUTS over him, tossing around words like "brilliant" and claiming that Danny "moved everyone in the room." (He didn't move me, unless you count the time I got up to get the puke bucket.) And the clincher was his post-performance comment...something about how he's able to connect with a song and take it to a whole new level. Arrrrrgggh! Smug much? I just want to punch him in his never-ending parade of Sally Jesse Raphael glasses.

Why does everyone think this guy is such an original? I don't get it.

Oh hey, there's David Spade behind Jackson! I desperately want him to go up to Danny after the show and say, "I really liked you the first time I saw you on American Idol. When you were Elliot Yamin."

Allison Iraheta is on crack. Or at least her stylist is. Seriously, what is she wearing? She looks like the love child of Glambert and Tina Turner after a day of rummaging around in Betsey Johnson's closet. Yikes. She decides to play the guitar during her version of No Doubt's "Don't Speak," although I'm not sure why. She strums it for about 25 seconds and then just holds it at her side through the rest of the song. I usually like Allison, but I'm not digging this performance. It's just loud and her enunciation is very odd. (It looks as though you're letting go = It nooks azzo, hoor hetting go.) I still like the raspy voice, I just think she's overdoing it tonight. The judges have mixed opinions on the vocals, but can all agree that the outfit makes Allison look like a major spaz.

Speaking of spazzes, Scott MacIntyre actually has his crazy hair under control tonight. He's gellin' like a felon. I guess he saw heard the great reaction that Adam got last week for his slicked back 'do, and he's hoping to appeal to that demographic. I guess he's also trying to appeal to fans of lounge lizard music, as he takes on Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are." Apparently, it's not a boring enough song for Scott as-is, because he slows it down a bit and strips the arrangement down to just the piano. Honestly, this is the best I've heard him in the competition, but he's still exceedingly average. Kara, Simon, and Randy all think that Scott made a great song choice and turned in his best performance so far, while Paula babbles about how great it is that Scott's "challenge" doesn't even seem like a "challenge," because he makes her forget that he's "challenged," and so it's like he doesn't even have a "challenge." But he does, which makes her super-duper proud of him. But not just because he's "challenged." She swears.

Matt Giraud cries some more about how much it sucked to be in the Bottom 3 last week before taking on The Fray's "You Found Me." Okay, now I know this band is ultra vanilla, but I honestly love this song. I'm concerned that Matt is going to make me like him even less by botching this big time, and...oh no. Is he serious? Is he really playing that keyboard DOWN IN THE IDIOT PIT?? And, wow, these idiots are really raising the bar for future pit dwellers because, even though Matt slowed down the tempo of an already mid-tempo song, none of these stupid girls can find the beat. They're all clapping about two seconds too late. It would be painful to watch if it wasn't so damn funny! However, Matt's vocal on this is not fun to hear. It's just a big ol' mess with some seriously whacked out falsetto. Paula gets her third boo of the season when she tells Matt that it wasn't great. Simon gets all parental on him with comments like, "You can frown all you like," and "Why can't you be more like Danny?" Okay, so that last one isn't a direct quote, but that's basically what he was saying. Kara still has the hots for Matt, so she says she doesn't want him to go home but warns him that he can't have his rock and eat his R&B cake too. Wait...does Kara think The Fray is a ROCK band? She's out of her mind.

I've never been able to figure out why, when Idols opt for a Celine Dion song, they always go for "I Surrender," one that wasn't even that big of a hit compared to some others. I guess it just a song that requires a lot of screaming, so Lil Rounds decides to show off her chops with it. Bad idea. Lil has a good voice, but she is not that kind of big-voiced diva. She's not a Kelly Clarkson or a LaToya London or a Jennifer Hudson. This is not good. It's just loud, and she sounds flat through most of it. For some reason, all of the judges like the vocals, but they still think that Lil is picking all the wrong songs. Randy wants her to sing ONLY Mary J. Blige songs for the rest of the competition. Clearly, they want to keep Lil around, so Ryan trots out her cute kids to spur on the sentimental voting.

Thank God it's Madame Glambert time. He is really the only contestant that makes this show worth watching this season. I was excited for his performance tonight because I heard a rumor that he was going to sing "Disturbia" (and I would've killed kittens to hear him sing "If I Were A Boy"), but it turns out that he's doing Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music." Odd choice, but I don't think there is a song he couldn't pull off. He changes it up, and the beat during the verses is not dissimilar to the dirty-funk arrangement of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" that he did in the semi-finals. His vocals are, as always, out of this world, including wails that could wake James Brown. Paula is nearly peeing herself over Adam's "genius," and sputters out a few comparisons to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler. Simon and Randy both give Adam kudos for the arrangement, and the Glam One insists that all props go to Rickey Minor and the band for hooking that up. (Are you paying attention, Danny Gokey? It's really quite simple to show some class and not look like a giant turd.) Kara loves Adam and feels like he turned the theater into Studio 57. Ah yes, the famous Studio 57. For those who aren't in the know, that was the even-gayer club three doors down from Studio 54.

It's strange to see the boy next door, Kris Allen, in the pimp spot, but he's working it. I loved him two weeks ago, he lost me last week, and he's won me back tonight with a gorgeous, soulful rendition of "Ain't No Sunshine." I giggle a little watching him at the keyboard because it looks like his feet don't quite touch the floor, but I do quite like the scruffy look he's got going on. I might even call him sexy. He gets good marks across the board from the judges, and Kris seems to make Kara forget all about her thing for Giraud.

I didn't even deliberate very much over picking the Bottom 3 this week. It seems pretty clear cut to me that it should be Anoop, Megan, and Matt. And, even though the judges seem to have finally tired of Megan, I don't think she's going anywhere just yet. Every season needs its Carmen Rasmusen. And at least I remember Megan's performance. If I hadn't written down what Anoop sang, I would never have remembered. Forgettable performance + lead-off spot = certain death. It's back to the beer pong table for Anoop Dogg.

So, last night I represented Starpulse at a screening party for the new Oxygen reality show Pretty Wicked. (I have no photographic evidence of this because my stupid camera decided to commit suicide. It must not like reality TV.) Also in attendance were host CariDee English, America's Next Top Model winner from season 7, and judge Mia Tyler, model, author, Steven's daughter/Liv's sister.

I was looking forward to meeting CariDee, since she has always been one of my favorites from ANTM. So, of course, I didn't actually get a chance to meet her. I talked to Mia for a little bit though, and she was very cool and down-to-earth. I still can't believe that she's a size 12 or 14 and is considered a plus-sized model. But I'd better not get started on that topic.

The show was pretty interesting. Like Charm School, but with some actual charm. We weren't shown who got the boot in the first episode, so even though I'm on about 3 hours sleep, I'll probably tune in tonight to check it out. Oxygen. Tonight. 11:00 pm. Be there...or at least be breathlessly awaiting my American Idol recap.

Keeping the ANTM cast member sightings rolling, I spotted "noted fashion photographer" and sexy piece of man meat, Nigel Barker, in Chelsea Market today. (As it happens, Oxygen's HQ is in the same building, so that's where last night's premiere party was held. I also have lunch there practically every day, which might explain why I'm always broke.)

Upon seeing Nigel's deliciousness, I considered my options. I could:A) Smile with my eyes and hope he'd notice me.B) Go up to him and say, "Hey, I saw CariDee last night and she told me to ask you if you still have that stick up your ass." (This joke would kill in regular-ANTM-watching circles.)C) Start humping his leg.

I'm sorry to report that I chose Option D) None of the above. After all these years, I still haven't mastered the art of smiling with my eyes. And if I try too hard, I lose control of my bladder.

I can't wait to see what ANTM-related hijinx is in store for me tomorrow! I could step in Nole Marin's dog's crap, you never know.

Monday, March 30, 2009

On Friday, The Smoking Gun reported that everyone's favorite pitch-man, THE Vince (last name Shlomi...yeah, he looks like a Shlomi), was arrested in Miami Beach in February for assaulting a prostitute.

Vince claims that he paid the ho $1000 for some of the nasty, and they went back to his hotel room. Then, when he kissed her, she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. Well, you know Vince. He ain't afraid to slap chop a bitch. So, he punched her until she relinquished the hold on his tongue. The report states that he was bleeding as he ran to the hotel lobby to call the cops, indicating that he did not have a ShamWow on his person.

I'm thinking that one of two things happened here. Either this particular ho abides by the "no kissing on the mouth" rule instated by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and she got pissed when Vince tried to break it, or she flipped out when he promised to pay for her services in 50 installments of $19.99.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I probably could've held off until Cinco de Mayo for this one, but Menudo's "Hold Me" is a perfect video for a glorious spring day like today. In fact, now that I have this song in my head and the weather is so nice, I think I'll piroutte all the way home tonight. I bet by the time I hit Midtown, I'll be able to get a bunch more people to join me.

I only wish I had worn something pastel today instead of boring black. Oh well.

To those of you who are yelling at your computers right now that this isn't a classic...how dare you! But yeah, you're right. But I'll tell you what is classic. That yellow 1/4 top that one dude is sporting. They just don't make shirts like that anymore.

Obviously, I'm just running out of videos. You people need to start emailing me some awesome requests.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It's a Thursday night results show, which apparently means twice the drama! (Seriously, what's with all the harsh lighting and mega close-ups of everyone?)

Ryan tells us that more people than actually exist in the world voted last night. A few hundred times each. They just keep shattering voting records. It's quite amazing.

Ryan also tells us, for the umpteenth time, that there is a "judges' save" this season. He always leaves out the most important part though - that it's only there for Danny, Adam, or Lil.

Time for the group sing.

WHAT. IN. THE. BALLS?

Oh, for the love of Tatiana. I never thought the group sings could get more ridiculous, but now they're not even doing it live. It is a pre-taped segment featuring a lip-synched performance of a pre-recorded medley. Holy cheese. The pièce de résistance is Giraud's very un-synched lip-synched run during "You're All I Need to Get By."

This show is becoming a parody of itself more and more with each passing week. It was bad enough that the group sings were being lip synched, but now they're not even live? Sure, they're corny to begin with, but if the producers insist on keeping them, they damn well better be "real."Did AI just jump the shark? Did it already do that a few seasons ago? I'm not sure. I guess when Ted McGinley is brought in to co-host with Seacrest, we'll really know that the end is nigh.

The Ford commercials have always been fake and awful. Nothing different there.

Ruben Studdard will be our gigantic cruise director this evening. Sorry, the suit threw me. He's actually just here to perform his new single (yes, he's still releasing those things), "Together." It sounds like pretty much everything else he's ever sung, and he is already sweating profusely about 1/4 of the way through the first verse. When he's done, all Ryan can think to ask him is, "How's married life?" I guess he didn't bother to ask a real question like, "When's the new album coming out?" because no one cares.

Also, Seacrest is in a hurry to get to the results. You know him, he doesn't like to drag stuff out.

Adam is called first and is safe. He has to always know he's safe, but, unlike Danny, he never looks smug about it.

Giraud heads for the Bottom 3. Dammit! Now my predictions are already off. I almost picked him instead of Lil because he was in the lead-off spot of doom, but I went against my first instinct. Well, he can't possibly be the one eliminated tonight. Kara won't have it.

Kris, like most of his performances, is safe.

Lil and Michael stand for the verdict, and Ryan tells Lil to have a seat and sends Sarver to the Bottom 3 where he belongs.

That's it for the top couch. Back to the results after more special guests.

Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson take the stage to sing "You're the One for Me." It's a stupid, dull song, but both of them sound really good. I have to hand it to Smokey. A lot of "legends" come on this show and really shit the bed (Motowner Diana Ross being the first one who comes to mind) but Smokey's got it going on! His voice is still smooth as silk. He's totally perving on Joss, though.

Now back to the bottom couch. Allison, Anoop, and Danny are all safe, leaving just Scott and Megan. Ryan could just eenie-meenie-miney-mo this one and he'd be right either way. Turns out that Megan's bird calls for help last night did work, as Scott lands in the Bottom 3. Megan offers to direct Scotty Mac over to the stools, but Ryan goes and collects him.

Seacrest asks Randy who doesn't deserve to be there, and he says Giraud.

You know, I've noticed Matt Giraud's sourpuss before, but looking at him now, standing there with his hands in his pockets and grimacing like he's sniffing out farts while Sarver has his arms around both Matt and Scott, he's really pissing me off. I don't think I like this guy. Something about him just screams "dickhead." I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Seacrest lets Scott off the hook and escorts him back to the comfy couches. Giraud and Sarver have to endure the uncomfortable spaceship stools for a little while longer though.

Hey, here's something I haven't seen on Idol in a long while - a blind guy who can actually sing! Yes, Stevie Wonder is performing a medley of some of his biggest hits, "My Cherie Amour," "Superstition," and "Overjoyed," of which the latter two have been done to death by Idol wannabes past and present, and a new song, "All About the Love Again." Stevie should be glad he can't see what is going on in the studio during his performance. It looks like a damn frat party. Allison and Megan are dancing like the super-drunk freshman chicks, Danny and Anoop are stomping around like the guys who will try to slip them roofies later, Adam is trying to seem macho, but can't help himself from doing some very flamboyant hip swivels, and Kara is the really annoying sorority sister who sings along to every song but clearly knows NONE of the words.

When that's all over, it's finally time to reveal who's going home. Okay, so even though I only guessed 1 out of the Bottom 3 correctly, I picked the one who matters. Sarver has the lowest number of votes. He's made to perform again and sounds exactly the same as he did last night. The judges do the fake huddle anyway...well, at least Randy and Simon do. Paula and Kara continue to dance like their jobs are done. Because, really, they are. Everyone knows there is nothing here to discuss.

Still, when Sarver is done, Seacrest asks the judges if they're going to save him, and they all play coy and say they haven't decided yet. They all jibber jabber for a little bit, and then Simon makes the executive (pre-determined) decision to not save Sarver.

Well, at least now his daughter doesn't have to ask him why he doesn't want to be with her anymore. *single tear*

All kidding aside, I like Michael and wish him good luck. He seems like a stand-up guy, and someone I wouldn't mind having a beer with. I just don't want to hear him sing anymore.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

When Seacrest asks Simon at the top of tonight's show if he is looking forward to Motown Night, Simon replies, "I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it." I feel his pain. I can't say I'm looking forward to writing this recap. I usually always do, but I guess this season is already starting to wear thin for me, dawgs.

Still, I must press on.

This week's mentor is Smokey Robinson, who is in the house tonight with Motown Records founder, Berry Gordy. Smokey has had so much work done that he now looks younger than Kara.

Kicking things off is Matt Giraud with Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." He starts out with just the piano at the beginning, and then jumps up to ooh and ahh and bounce around the stage in a Timberlakesque manner. Although I don't love the high notes he's not quite hitting, I think it's a good performance overall. Kara tells Matt that there are a lot of girls out there going, "Yeaaaah, let's get it awwwn," and that those bitches will have to wait until she's had her way with him. As is the case every week, all the judges like Matt, just not in the same way as Kara.

Kris Allen brings out his guitar for his version of "How Sweet It Is," which is, unsurprisingly, pretty similar to the James Taylor version. Kris sounds fine, but I'm a little bored. I guess it's just a predictable performance. I'm not sure why Paula is already up and dancing. I'm also not sure how Kara can say that Kris "didn't do Marvin Gaye and didn't do James Taylor." It's obviously James Taylor, with a tiny bit more pep. Kara further says that Kris "just did Kris," something she plans to do as well, as soon as she's done with Giraud. The rest of the judges are pretty happy with the performance and have nothing bad to say, although Simon tells Kris that he needs to work on his "swagger."

Scott MacIntyre ignores Paula's advice from last week and sticks with his trusty piano. I think that's a good move. Why he is choosing to sing "You Can't Hurry Love" is beyond me, though. I know this is going to be bad before he even opens his mouth, and he doesn't disappoint. The three backup singers surround the piano and try to bring some oomph while hoping to drown out all the bad notes that Scott is hitting, but there's no masking Scott's mediocrity. He's average (as usual) at best, sounding particularly ridiculous when he tries to go for the power notes. Paula spews a bunch of junk about magic and joy because Heaven forbid she tell the Blind Guy the truth. Finally, though, the other judges crack. Simon admits that he couldn't take much more of that performance and Randy called it very "hotel." Ryan asks Paula if Scott was as good as some of the other guys and, as is custom, she dances around the subject while Simon keeps poking her, demanding her to "answer the question." Paula finally reaches down and grabs some crayons and coloring books and plops them down in front of Simon with a brusque, "Here you go, six-year-old." Wow! How hilariously convenient to have coloring books under the table! And Simon didn't even know they were there! Right??

Just as I'm bemoaning the lack of spontaneity on this show, Seacrest reminds me why it's usually a bad idea. When Scott's number flashes up on the screen, he tells people to vote for him because he's wearing pink pants. Ryan turns to Scott and asks, "How do you know they're pink??" Is Ryan trying to plant a seed of doubt in everyone's minds that Scott is actually faking being blind? I bet Gokey paid him to do that. I can just hear him now...This show ain't big enough for both of our sob stories, MacIntyre.

Smokey Robinson actually enjoys Megan Joy's rehearsals of "For Once In My Life," which makes me wonder if he is just über-positive and easy to please, or if all the plastic surgery has actually made it impossible for him to frown. The whole time I'm watching this, I keep thinking of how much Megan reminds me of Cameron Diaz in that scene from My Best Friend's Wedding when she's forced to sing karaoke. But Cameron might have been a little better. I mean, eee-freaking-gads. Randy thinks the song was a "trainwreck" despite his "mad love" for Megan. Kara says that the song dominated Megan. Paula babbles on about how stunningly beautiful the girl is before finally admitting that, yeah, she sucks. Simon agrees that Megan looks good, but that she could be in serious trouble.

By the way, I know I said I was going to continue calling her Megan Corkrey, but that was before I found out that there is also a porn star named Megan Joy. So, now I like that name better. Obviously.

Anoop Desai is singing Smokey's "Ooh Baby Baby," but I can only concentrate on how sweaty his upper lip is. What is up with that? It looks like he way overshot the mark with his Burt's Bees or something. Although this performance is slightly dull, Anoop sounds pretty good overall, and his false is like "yo," dude. And that's me talking, not Randy! Kara desperately tries to prove that she knows all the technical aspects of singing, so she rambles on endlessly about "chest and head notes." Apparently, most of Anoop's chest and head points were good, but some of them were in his ass. All the judges agree that the vocals were good, but they all want something extra from Anoop. Paula wants more confidence, Simon wants showmanship, and Randy wants more energy.

Michael Sarver tells us that he's singing one of my favorite Motown tunes, "Ain't Too Proud to Beg," and it seems doomed from the get-go because he is the only person so far for whom Smokey has had any negative comments. And the Smokester is completely justified in making those comments, because Sarver is murdering my poor song. If I were there, I wouldn't be too proud to beg him to stop, that's for damn sure. I can't decide if this is a hotel lounge, cruise ship, amusement park, prison yard, or morgue performance. You can actually see the big white boy trying to force some soul out, and it just doesn't come. When he tries, he just sounds like a televangelist. And the ending. Oh, that horrible out-of-place, off-key, and overly horrific ending. But thank God for it, because that means this aural assault is over. The judges just look stupefied. Paula can't find the words to critique Michael, so she remembers what Kara said to Megan before about "letting the song dominate," and just regurgitates that. She pretends to be proud of her second time being booed ever, but she is obviously dying a little inside. Randy thinks the song was too big for Sarver and, since Paula took her new material, Kara goes back to her old standby, "What does this tell us about WHO YOU ARE as an artist?" Well, I guess it tells us that he's not a very good one. Simon knows it, and lays it on the line by telling Michael that he has no chance of winning this competition.

Lil Rounds sings Martha and the Vandellas' "Heat Wave," in front of what looks like the same exact graphics AI used when Kimberly Locke sang this way back in Season 2. Although she sounds okay in parts, Lil is basically shouting her way through this song and seems to be having trouble keeping up with the music. Paula is dancing and Kara looks like she's choking back vomit, so I guess this will be a split decision from the judges. Randy agrees with me that Lil was "rushing" the song, and adds that the front part was "like torture." Kara makes a big deal out of how Motown Week was supposed to be Lil's week, and that she was "the diva that everyone was waiting to hear," and how she should've come out and wowed everyone, but she failed. (The subtext being that, since Lil is a black woman, she should have no problem with "black music." I don't know why she doesn't come right out and say it. We all know what she's talking about and we all know she's a jackhole who wants to keep everyone neatly in their little boxes.) Simon knows that Lil is one of the best singers in the competition, but thinks she just picked the wrong song. Paula disagrees wholeheartedly with everyone, and claims that Lil owned that song. Yeah, right. She just didn't want to get booed again.

The sunshine of my Idol life, Adam Lambert, takes to the stage (looking like the androgynous love child of Elvis and k.d. lang) for an unplugged version of Smokey's "Tracks of My Tears." I really love men who can sing falsetto, and Adam busts that shit out effortlessly. Part of me is a little sad that he's not camping it up tonight, but it's allowing him to showcase his beautiful voice. Also, I guess if he camped it up week after week, he would start to get boring and predictable like the rest of them. I suppose that showing up in a suit with his hair slicked back, sans makeup, is about the craziest thing he could've done at this point. (But I hope this means a new and improved Madame Glambert with extra fierceness crystals next week!) Everyone gets on their feet, the judges all go apeshit, and Adam gets the nod of approval from Smokey and Berry.

Danny Gokey has the unenviable task of following Adam, which he does in usual Gokey style. Meaning, he sings "Get Ready" fairly well, over-sings it in parts, and acts like a damn dork through it all. The judges are split on Danny. Paula thinks that he brings home a first-class performance every week, and Randy loves Danny's energy, comparing him to Levi Stubbs. Kara thinks Danny was "just good, not great," and Simon finds the whole thing "clumsy and amateurish." Danny just smiles the smile of a man whose sob story will keep him safe for weeks to come.

Getting the pimp spot tonight is Allison Iraheta with "Papa Was A Rolling Stone." I remember hating Stripper Hernandez's version of this last year, since he basically just spoke the verses, but Allison is doing a lot more singing. This song always comes off as a bit corny to me, but Allison does pretty well with it...especially considering SHE'S ONLY 16!! Have I mentioned that before? Well, Randy would like to mention it again. 'Cause even though Allison is ONLY 16, he still thinks she's one of the "dopest" singers they have. Kara is all like, "Only 16?? Whaaaaa? Last week - bottom 3? Huhhhh???" Then she has her first orgasm over a female contestant. Hey, experimentation is perfectly normal and healthy. Drawing on people's faces with crayons? Not so much, but that doesn't keep Simon from giving Paula a black moustache. She tries to critique Allison while covering her face, so I don't understand a word. Or that could just be because she's drunk again. Simon then thoroughly confuses me by applauding Allison for bouncing back after a "terrible week" last week. What?? Yeah, she was in the Bottom 3, but it was completely unjustified.

It became apparent during Danny's critique that the show was running long. No doubt, due to Paula and Kara's inability to form lucid, non-tangential thoughts. The time crunch reared its ugly head at the end of the show when Ryan was talking to Berry Gordy. The exchange went something like this:

Nice. Maybe Ryan should work on keeping the judges' comments on track (and nipping those scripted fights in the bud) so that he wouldn't have to be rude to musical legends.

Aaaanyway, who is going home tomorrow night? This one should be easy...Sarver. However, he took his lumps really well tonight, and he seems to have a good attitude. That can go a long way with some people. Still, I think it will come down to him and Megan, and I don't think the show is ready to let go of Megan just yet. And she has the support of VFTW.

So, I think the Bottom 3 will be Sarver, Megan, and Lil. The judges will then toss around the "save" talk once they see Lil in the bottom, but she'll be sent back to safety first. Sarver will be out, and he will not be saved.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Why can't we just LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE?? I mean, really. The girl should be allowed to go on a pantiless, drunken, backwards drive down the sidewalks of L.A. every once in a while without some smart-ass blogger making a big deal over it every time.

According to Linz, the reason she hasn't landed a "great role" is because of "sicko fans" prying into her personal life and making crazy, false accusations about the "uninteresting" goings-on. The thrice-rehabbed quasi-lesbian went on to say, "It would be really nice if people would believe in me. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and I don't lie." Well, gosh. Adam Ant should write a song about her.

When asked about her goals (the ones we're all keeping her from), LiLo revealed, "I just want to live the dream that I've worked so hard for since I was 4 years old...I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc."

Wow. That's pretty ambitious. When I was 4, I just wanted to watch cartoons and have my Dad take me to McDonald's once in a while.

I still don't see how the rest of the world is keeping Lindsay from living out all of these dreams, though. Instead of pointing fingers, she needs to take a good, long look at herself. Like, if she didreally stop doing drugs, well, that's clearly the problem. Not us. Because, seriously, it's gonna take a lot of coke to achieve all that.

Can someone give her a straw or a rolled up dollar for God's sake? Do something to help! Stop standing in her way!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Well, I guess this "further reflection" has nothing to do with the movie itself (not that my "initial reflection" did), but was actually prompted by The Vegetable Assassin's recent comment on my last post. She mentioned that Jason Segel (aka The Other Guy in I Love You Man, aka The Lead Guy in Forgetting Sarah Marshall Who Showed His Weiner For, Like, Three Minutes) has always "creeped her out."

This reminded me of some of the thoughts going through my own head while watching I Love You, Man. The ones that didn't involve little Rudd fetuses growing inside of me.

I can't decide how I feel about Jason Segel. On one hand, he's tall, has nice hair, and he's kind of cool and wacky, which makes him oddly attractive.

On the other hand, he looks like the type of guy who would pull up next to you on the street to ask for directions, and when you walked over to his window, he'd be playing with himself.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Green Monkey Master Bubs hosted the latest go-round, dubbed The Lenten Mix aka the "Man You Know This Shit's No Good For You" mix.

The criteria for songs in this mix was as follows:

Each song you pick has to have something about it that makes you think "uh-oh, could I go to hell for listening to this?" It has to contain enough references to sex, drugs or violence that, even as you enjoy listening to it, you know it's not really good for you...it might even be harming you in some way. I'm talking sleaze. Mind the blasphemy, though. Please.

The mix will be limited to 8 people who will each contribute 5 song choices. Get it? A total of 40 songs, one for each day of Lent. Years from now you'll be able to listen to it and reflect on your sins, doing penance for each song. It'll be a character builder.

Unfortunately, my very first choice broke the "no blasphemy" rule, but I had to include it because it was the first song that popped into my head when I saw the theme rules.

You can download all of the participants' songs by clicking on "The Lenten Mix" link above, or just my songs by clicking here. Have a seat in the handbasket, folks...here we go!

"Walk on By," Bishop Allen

And who is this teenager? With martydom on his mind? Who's gonna ride the bus today And who helps him to decide?

I wanna walk all over you, Jesus Jesus, will you walk on by?I'm over you, Jesus You ain't no friend of mine

The first time I heard this song was at my old job. The guy who sat next to me was playing it on his computer and I couldn't really make out the lyrics. I heard "Jesus" mentioned once or twice, and I dug the awesome beat, so I thought maybe it was some gospel-inspired rock tune like "Spirit in the Sky." I bought it on iTunes and the first time I listened to it, I was like, "oohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiit." I've tried not to like it, but that beat is just too catchy. So now I just pretend like I can't understand the lyrics. Although, I'm not really sure if it's completely blasphemous. Most of the verses seem to be referencing the war in Iraq and terrorist activity (like Mr. Teenage Bus Bomber above), so I'm not sure if this is a "if there was a God, why would he let bad stuff like this happen" kind of song, or if it's a "the terrorists just need to let Jesus into their hearts and they'd stop being assholes" kind of song. Or it could just be an anti-Bush/anti-religious right song, because those are all the rage.

"Hey Man, Nice Shot," Filter

A man has gunHey man, have funNice shot, man

I liked this song when it first came out, and then when I found out that it was about Budd Dwyer, it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. If you don't know, Dwyer was a Senator and the Treasurer of PA. As Treasurer, he was convicted of accepting a bribe. Although he (and others) maintained his innocence, he faced a possibly long jail sentence. The day before he was to be sentenced, he called a press conference, during which he put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger...on live TV. I didn't actually see the event, but I remember watching the news footage right after. Apparently, there were kids home from school for a snow day (I can't remember if I was home at the time or not, although my school rarely called snow days) and many of them witnessed this. I just think it's nasty, and writing a song to basically congratulate a desperate man on his "nice shot" just seems horribly tasteless.

No one really knows for sure what this song is about, as Stevie Nicks once said she couldn't even remember herself, but that "it couldn't have been all about cocaine." Maybe not all, but I'm sure quite a bit of it was! Those first two lines strongly suggest drug use, although the spoon implies that it's heroin, and Stevie's drug of choice was definitely coke. Maybe she sprinkled it on her her Cheerios in the morning, who knows? I've just always interpreted the song to be about Stevie trying to deal with her sudden fame and breakup with Lindsey Buckingham the best way she knew how - through the nose.

"Credit in the Straight World," Hole

Go for credit in the straight worldLook a dealer in the eyeGo for credit in the real world, won't you try?I got some credit in the straight worldI lost a leg, I lost an eyeGo for credit in the real world you will die

I could have really picked any Hole song and it would have been about drugs or being a skanky ho. What else is Courtney Love gonna sing about? I've never owned Live Through This, but I borrowed the tape from this guy I knew in college and ended up keeping it a really long time. I was surprised by how much I liked it. This song was originally my favorite (not so much anymore), and it turns out that it was actually a cover of a Young Marble Giants song. To make it her own though, Courtney added some stuff at the beginning about being so high she can't walk.

"Anything Goes," Guns N' Roses

I been thinkin' boutThinkin' bout sexAlways hungry for somethin'That I haven't had yet

That's the beginning of the song, before it gets completely filthy. I'm being a prude today, so I'm not posting the 2nd verse in which, it seems, Axl may be banging a girl in a dumpster full of cigarette butts, dirty diapers, and greasy banana peels. At least that's the image that my brain always conjures up when I hear this. There are definitely dirtier songs than this, but something about this just makes me feel queasy. It's like when the guys from G N'R say "anything goes," I believe it. Orgies? Yup. Midget trannies? The more, the merrier. Goats? It wouldn't be a party without them! Nothing is off-limits with these dudes.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Ryan opens tonight's results show in his usual over-dramatic fashion, and announces that Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, and Randy Travis (none of whom are Dierks Bentley) will all perform. The idiot pit down in front is going wild, but I catch one girl in the front row who looks like she wants to die. Her expression basically says, "Oh God, I'm so exhausted from clapping and screaming for everything! Please let me rest!"

Ryan keeps referring to the possibly "shocking" results tonight, which probably means that one of the judges' favorites will end up in the Bottom 3 so that they can dangle the "save" carrot in front of them, just to yoink it away. Ryan can keep talking about that "save" all he wants, but the judges will NOT use it until they get down to the Top 6 or 7, and only on Danny or Adam. Or maybe Lil.

This week's group sing is Travis Tritt's "T-R-O-U-B-L-E," and, thankfully, they let Scott just sit and play the piano instead of making him dance around like a Longhorn Steakhouse waiter. All I can say about this performance is that I smell G-A-R-B-A-G-E. Ugh. And these contestants are the worst lip synchers EVER.

The Ford commercial sucks even more than most tonight. The kids are all having a water balloon fight while destroying OK Go's "Here It Goes Again." I feel like I'm watching a commercial for one of those horrible Kidz Bop compilations.

There must be something wrong with my cable, because I don't think I'm watching AI anymore. This must be a Lifetime movie...or maybe an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Or maybe it's the religious channel. There is a video showing all of the contestants having a love-in behind the scenes after last week's elimination. Then, Michael Sarver talks about how hard it is for him to be away from his family, and shares that his daughter asked him recently, "Daddy, why don't you want to be with me anymore?" while choking back sobs. Awwwww. And let's all cry for Megan because she has the flu! She is such a trooper!

Eegads. I guess the producers didn't think it was fair for only Gokey and Blind Guy to have sob stories. They are determined to make martyrs out of all of them. Good luck with Adam!

Danny, Lil, and Anoop are each called and all three are safe. Allison and Michael are asked to stand up together, and Ryan asks Paula which of the two should be in the Bottom 3. After much hemming and hawing, and many declarations that NO ONE should go (I guess she forgot the point of the show again), she says that "based on their critiques last night," it should be Allison. What the what?? Doesn't she remember that they gave Allison good comments last night, and Michael got a mostly lukewarm reception? Turns out, she's right, and Allison inexplicably heads for the Bottom 3. But then Michael is made to stand back up and Ryan tells him he's on the chopping block, too. Oh, that Ryan. So sneaky.

Brad Paisley (aka A Country Guy Who is NOT Dierks Bentley) performs. I go make spaghetti.

Scott, Megan, Giraud, and Kris are all safe. I guess Megan's constant fake coughing last night really won people over.

Alexis and Adam stand together, and Ryan asks Randy who will be in the bottom. (Not WHO is a bottom. I know someone was thinking it.) Randy says it will be Allison, because he has no idea which white girl is which. Ryan corrects him. Randy says it will be Alexis, and it is. Madame Glambert lives on.

Ryan lets one of the bottom dwellers off the hook, and it's Allison. As it should be. Ryan brings up the "Judges' Save" for the umpteenth time, and they say that they would consider saving one of the two left.

After the break, we get a brief retrospective of Carrie Underwood's time on Idol and her subsequent career. Then she takes the stage with Randy Travis (aka Another Country Guy Who is NOT Dierks Bentley) to sing their duet, "I Told You So." Four things:1. Carrie's hair configuration is WEIRD. It's like some sort of poodle helmet.2. For a duet, Randy isn't getting much mic time.3. These two don't really sound very good together.4. Neither one of them is Dierks Bentley, so I don't really give a damn. I have some noodles that need straining. (And no, that's not a Kara-style double entendre.)

Back to Sarver and Alexis. Sarver is proclaimed safe. The judges say that Alexis is the one that they were thinking about saving, so it will come down to her performance tonight.

Apparently, Alexis doesn't perform well under pressure because the song is tuneless and awful, and she's clearly trying to keep from crying in several spots. The most ridiculous part? The judges all huddled around by Paula's chair, pretending to discuss whether or not to keep her. THAT was comedy, folks. I mean, if you still don't think that the judges and producers have this season pretty much mapped out, then you probably believe that Bret Michaels is truly looking for love on his tour bus.

Unsurprisingly, Simon tells Alexis that she was "good, but not good enough." They don't save her. Cue the Alexis video package and the horrible Mötley Crüe cover.

You know, looking at Alexis, who's now wearing the emotionless, vacant expression of a woman defiled, I feel bad for her. She let Kara turn her into a naughty skank for nothing.

So, in conclusion...

AI, don't ever have another country night without Dierks Bentley. I implore you.

Still, I was determined to give you folks a recap, so I've checked out all of last night's performances online today. Sadly, the justin.tv channel that airs all the AI episodes seems to have disappeared, so I can only comment on the actual peformances/judges' critiques. No keen insights on Ryan's pointless banter this time around. Sorry.

What I can tell you is that it was Grand Ole Opry night and that Randy Travis was the guest mentor. Travis ("Stick Boy" as I call him) has always creeped me the hell out, because he kind of looks like an anorexic cigar store Indian, if such a thing existed. After watching the videos, I can say that he isn't looking any better with age. He seems like a nice guy and all, but I can't get over the fact that he looks like he was carved out of wood. It scares me.

Michael Sarver started things off with Garth Brooks' "Ain't Goin' Down 'Til the Sun Comes Up," which has been done before on this show (by either Phil Stacey or Josh Gracin, or some other bland dude I can't remember) and it's always a bad decision. In the pop world, it's akin to picking Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" or R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It." Doing a lot of fast jibber-jabber and then singing a few lines of a chorus isn't the best way to showcase one's vocals. But, Michael promised to put his "Michael Sarver flavor" on it, and he did. It was super-extra vanilla. And this guy really needs to work on his singing faces. His mouth was contorted into some freakish half smile/half grimace the entire time. It was like he had a giant piece of chaw in his mouth and was afraid that it might fall out. So that's my two and a half cents. Randy's critique amounted to, "So yo, Mikey, check it out, like, yo, you know, like I'm not sure yo, like, if, like, like, uhhh, it was fun, but uh, like, I don't know, yeeeeah I should stop talking now." Kara told Michael that she missed his "big notes," and then treated him like a 6-year-old who just lost a talent show by saying, "It's impressive that you could remember all those words, though. There were a MILLION! HOW did you DO that??" Instead of punching her like he should have, Michael just said that "country music is about having fun." Then, in true Kara style, she subtly hit on the 6-year-old by remarking that she could tell that the "sun came up a few times" with him. Ew. Paula thought everything was fun. She also thought that Michael showed true artistry by getting another guy to play harmonica. She was obviously "celebrating" St. Patrick's Day since the sun came up. Simon couldn't understand a word and gave the performance a 1.2 on a scale of 1-10. Michael's response was, "Well, if we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this show." Thanks for reminding me of how tragically flawed I am, Sarver. You jerk.

Allison Iraheta is up next with Patty Loveless' "Blame it on Your Heart," which I've always imagined to be the country song I would sing if I were an AI contestant. Yes, I do think about stupid things like that. Hey, I'm not perfect. I need this show and my dorky fantasies. Allison threatened to stink it up with an Ashlee Simpson-style hoedown, which Randy Travis warned her against. Would she go the Mandisa route and ignore her mentor? Apparently, she wouldn't, because she didn't. Good girl. Allison sounded really good, so I have nothing snarky to say about that performance. I love her raspy voice, and she's quickly becoming one of my favorites. Kara throws the "phone book" out the window and tells Allison that she could sing the alphabet and it would be great. Oh, that Kara. Putting her flavor all over those tired Idol cliches. Paula said a bunch of words which prompted Simon to turn to her and ask, "What did you mean by that?" Paula's response? She just stared straight at Allison and said "She knows what I meant." Hmm. Was Paula speaking in code? She did say something about how she'd like to see Allison "experimenting." I just hope Allison is smart enough to turn down any "candy" Ms. Abdul might try to give her. Simon thought the performance was just good, "verging on precocious," while Randy strongly maintained that it was DOPE! Was he talking in code too? I'm confused.

Kris Allen sings another Garth Brooks song, "To Make You Feel My Love." And here comes the ballad brigade. I hate when contestants just cop out and do ballads on country night. A ballad is a ballad is a ballad - it doesn't matter if it's country or hair metal. I always thought the point of these theme nights was for the contestants to show their versatility? Bah. Anyway, I'll stop complaining because Kris sounded really nice on this song. I was all prepared to be bored to death, but I liked it. Paula was also pleasantly surprised, but then started blabbering about some pitchy low notes. I didn't hear any pitchiness. That very last high note might have been a little wobbly, but the rest of it sounded great. What does P-Ab know? She never sang a note without the help of Auto Tune. Simon thought it was terrific, Kara thought it was beautiful, and Randy enjoyed the "tender moments" from his dawg, Kris, whom he dubbed "the tender dawg." Oh, Randy. That's lame. Leave the nicknaming to me, aight?

Lil Rounds disappointed me by not singing "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," opting instead for Martina McBride's "Independence Day," which was already done to death in Season 4 by Carrie Underwood. I appreciate, though, that Lil was determined to honor the genre by not putting too much R&B flavor on it. Lil got all gussied up in her Sunday best, and although she looked very pretty, she kind of aged herself by going Anita Baker style. As for the song, it was okay. A little on the dull side, but for an R&B singer doing country, it was about as good as you could expect. But Randy wasn't having it. He told Lil that it seemed uncomfortable and that she should have sung "I Will Always Love You," mentioning that Dolly Parton wrote it, but the obvious, unspoken suggestion was that she had the chance to Whitney it up and blew it. WHAT. AN. ASSHOLE. Seriously. Here is a contestant who actually wanted to show some versatility by not doing the same old thing and really embracing the genre that was featured, and Randy just wanted her to stick to the tired diva act. It only went downhill from there. Kara was a condescending moron again, telling Lil that it wasn't her best performance, but "good for you for standing your ground." Paula said nothing of importance, and then Simon echoed the same type of sentiments as Randy, all while calling Lil "Little." WHAT. AN. ASSHOLE. When Simon told "Little" that she looked like a wedding singer forced to perform a request, she looked like she wanted to stab him in the face. I know exactly how she felt.

Hooray! Madame Glambert is up next. Randy Travis had no idea what to make of Adam and his ca-raaazy black nail polish. When's the last time Travis was outside? The Glambert freaked Randy out further by choosing a Middle Eastern version of "Ring of Fire," complete with sitar. Oh. My. God. This was fabulous. It was like something out of Firecrotch: The Musical. My Dad had to email me to tell me he thought Adam sang like "a drunk at 3 in the morning," but believe me, I've seen many drunks at 3 in the morning, myself included, and none of us have ever sung like that. Then again, I don't hang out at Posh, but I think I need to start. I have to give The Glambert props here. If you can't dive into the country genre, the next best thing is to take a country song and make it something entirely different, and if country music had a polar opposite, this performance would be it. The judges weren't sure what to make of it. It left Kara "confused and sort of happy." Paula made a comparison to Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir," which wasn't completely inaccurate. Simon thought that a lot of people were "throwing their television sets out the window," after that performance. I agree with him, but not for the same reasons. If anything, it was because of the crazy camera work during that song. The camera just kept swinging and spinning around Adam. Maybe the 3 am drunk was the one filming, not the one singing? Whatever the case, even I had to close my eyes for a minute to keep from barfing. Can someone remind the prodcers that this isn't the Blair Witch Project, it's American Idol? The only judge who liked The Glambert's performance as much as I did was Randy, who just yelled out a bunch of adjectives to get his point across.

Scott MacIntyre got back behind the piano to do Martina McBride's "Wild Angels." I feel like I'm just going to keep saying the same thing about Scott every week - "I like him, but he's just an average singer." I think all the judges have finally realized this also, but they're trying to figure out ways to tiptoe around coming right out and saying it. Paula told Scott to change it up by not always playing the piano, and Simon said that was a stupid idea. Then Paula and Simon had another pointless argument, once again forgetting that this show isn't about them and their scripted sexual tension. It's about Simon and Ryan's scripted sexual tension. Randy tried to convince everyone again that this is a singing competition. (It's way too late for that, dawg.) Kara just wanted better vocals out of Scott. Don't we all.

My first prediction from last week turned out to be wrong, as Alexis Grace took the stage in a demure dress instead of the stripper gear I expected. She sang "Jolene" in average fashion, but missed a few notes and seemed to be ahead of the song throughout. Randy, Paula, and Simon were all fairly "meh" about the performance, but Kara the Pimp told Alexis that she should've sung "Last Name" (my prediction) or "Before He Cheats," then bitch-slapped her and told her to get her ass back on the street corner where it belongs. Alexis warned America that she would bring "the dirty" back next week if she's still here. Great. Can't wait. The pop scene needs more scantily clad broads.

Danny Gokey followed with Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel." I didn't really like the way it started, because he kind of sounded like he was just talking through the first verse. It got better during the chorus because he could really belt it out, but then it might have gone a little too over-the-top. It was all very church revival. Oh, and that horrible jacket he was wearing made him look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Kara pretty much agreed with my assessment of the vocals, but took it nine steps further by saying that she would've rather sat through 10 minutes of Danny just yelling at his most over-the-top point. Randy, of course, agreed. Paula and Simon loved the song as-is, Paula so much so that she started drooling, sputtering, and falling out of her dress. Okay, okay, I'm making that up. Her drooling, sputtering, and falling out of her dress had nothing to do with Danny. Just another Tuesday night.

Anoop Desai chose "You Were Always On My Mind" in an effort to prove to Simon that he deserves to be in the competition after his soulless rendition of "Beat It." It was a little dull in parts, but Anoop did what he wanted to do - he proved that he can definitely sing. He wasn't as good as Kris, but I think I actually preferred him to Danny because it was soulful without being shouty. All the judges loved it. Paula and Randy did a lot of simple-minded yammering, as usual, and Kara and Simon both thought it was the best performance of the night. I wouldn't go that far, but it was up there. Simon also took back his remark that Anoop didn't deserve to be there, so, welcome back, Anoop!

Megan Corkrey wants us all to call her Megan Joy now, but eff that. She started this show as Corkrey, and that's what I'm calling her. She decided to take the Patsy Cline classic, "Walking After Midnight," and put her Birdland spin on it. I couldn't stop laughing through this whole thing. What was up with her pronunciation? And her voice...she sounded like a cross between Cab Calloway and Princess Vespa, when she's in prison singing, "Nobody knows da trouble I seen..." There were some decent parts, but it just all sounded so affected to me, like some mall girl trying to be jazzy. For some reason, though, all the judges thought it was wonderful and so much better than last week. I don't know, these people are crazy. Aside from last week's "caw, caw," I thought her vocals were 10 times better then than last night. Oh, and then everyone has to treat Megan like she's a goddess because she managed to perform while having the flu. You know, if this were America's Next Top Model, Miss Tyra would not give a crap about this "sick" business. And neither do I.

Closing out the night was Matt Giraud, who took to his piano for Carrie Underwood's "So Small." Matt did a great job in the pimp spot. He kept the vibrato under control and was the best I've heard him since Hollywood week. I think Matt may have been the best of the bunch. Even though Kris Allen's vocals might have been slightly better, Matt's performance was much more soulful and engaging. Kara certainly liked it. She delivered most of her critique in breathy tones with her eyes closed, and told Matt, "There ain't nothing small about you, that's for sure." Mmm hmm. I knew she set up hidden cameras in the Idol mansion's bathrooms! The rest of the judges loved Matt too, just not in the same way as Kara.

Okay, so who will be in the Bottom 3 tonight? I don't have much time to mull it over, so I'll just go with my first instinct and say it will be Sarver, Scott, and Alexis. Since there is no way they're gonna send the Blind Guy home this early, I think Sarver will be the one to go down before the sun comes up.

Cool Cats

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Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.