Let go of the Anger. Embrace the absurd.

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

After being inspired by this portrait of Dubya, I thought I would do a literal rendition of how I think Owen Wilson’s face is basically having sex with itself. Cheer up, Owen; you’re uniquely handsome and, after all, love is staring you in the face. **Disclaimer! These ‘naughty bits’ are PROSTHETICS!**

The system will keep finding ways to keep women too distracted and preoccupied with the way they look to amount to much more than an overly-decorated Easter Egg with a short shelf-life: dyed, stenciled, painted, put in a basket for all to see, and then cracked open and tossed out with the scraps, never getting the chance to grow past the yolkie chick stage into a mature hen:

So, considering the “Naughty” category of “pubic hair art” has been flooded by the market by companies like Nads, I’ve come up with a few more suggestions that I think fulfill the under-represented “Nice” category:

After hearing a gossip piece on how Joe Francis is upset that Hugh Heffner did not come to his defense (as he claimed Hugh went through ‘similar’ persecution for similar things…um..ok…) I got that rage bubble again. And as his face keeps showing itself like a pesky cockroach in the kitchen, the bubble grows and grows. I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to punch someone…so I’ll vent here instead in a three-pronged prayer to any pagan goddess with a black cat and cauldron:
A) I hope his jailmates forced him to sign ‘waivers’ while he was fucked on H
B) I hope his ass is perpetually bleeding and oozing shit from all the ‘consensual’ prison sex
C) I hope his Acromegaly progresses to the point where his tongue swells up big enough to feel like a giant dick is perpetually poking his gag reflex.*

I found this in the most recent edition of Canadian Journal of Medicine:

Hipsteritis
Hipsteritis is transmitted sexually, so to speak, qualifying it as an STD. It strikes those who have no cultural taste of their own but badly want to be cool and are hungry for a sex-appeal that will set them apart. Its early symptoms include the compulsive taking of ‘myspace’ photos of oneself, often with cleavage or bare leg visible in the shot suggesting an early onslaught of extreme notions of grandeur; the compulsion to juxtapose footwear with their outfit; the tendency to pose with minor/quasi celebrities at parties and insipient jabbering on about ‘doing blow’. Nothing exists outside of their world, and the tightly framed photos literally suggest this grave and progressive mental state. Their blogs are almost always about themselves and their other infected friends. As the disease spreads, the victim’s hair becomes increasingly tousled and dissheveled–a trait that is commonly mistaken for ‘rock and roll’ hair. Sufferers of hipsteritis are easily irritated, paranoid and often feel threatened by people who are different than they are. In the later stages of the disease, a drone-like mentality completely takes over and the victim loses any faculties of discretion and decision-making and is known to attack with hipster-venom anyone outside their immediate hive in order to prove to their fellow drones their loyalty to the Kingdom of Cool. Ultimately, the hipster is on constant guard, sometimes preemptively striking a wrong target in sad attempts to claim territory or, ‘turf’.

It is too early to know whether hipsteritis has a cure, but I’m living for the day when the alleyway drinking parties lose their irony and the incessant taking of ‘myspace’ pics becomes the hallmark of old-age and the sign that death’s release is close at hand.

The disease is not always terminal. You can read one person’s account of having overcome it here.

THERE IS HOPE… GET HELP SOON!!

Below are some pictures of infected people , along with a sample of the kind of antagonism they tend to spout. Should this venom be turned on you, stay calm and remember that they can’t help it–it’s the disease talking.

Alleyway drinking party. Man in green tights in very late stages of the disease.

As youth an irony fades, the disease becomes more apparent

And here is a sample letter containing the kind of venom and vengeance common to those in the late stages of the disease. Letter written based on paranoia and hearsay some 10 years after the alleged incident. Please note the obsession with body image and identity:

“i saw you the other nite at my friend’s store
i was going to say something but was too incensed with rage i didn’t want to make a scene

dugan told me many moons ago you said that i was a walking std, scott would not grant me your phone number to call your parents and tell them their failure of a daughter is a rug-munching dyke troll

you talk shit about other girls cos you are insecure and hate yourself

enjoy your life, ugly.

love lauren white

ps. lose some weight
pps. metal sucks “

The fact that her blog has won awards suggests an epidemic of hipsteritis has hit Toronto with a force greater than the SARS of 2003.

I must be the only one who is frightened by jessica biel’s nose-lip combo and extreme bone structure. From 3/4 view she’s pretty, but in those straight-on views she looks like a pile of rocks with a wig on it, even in soft-focus.

I used to have a big crush on Jude Law, but his dalliances with bubble-heads like Sienna Miller crushed any butterflies that dared to dance in my stomach when Jude was on the screen. Not sure whether this chick’s a bubble-head too, but she’s ‘out there’ enough to bring back some of the mysterious hotness Jude lost from being addicted to Barbie-blondes. Reminds me of the wonder and amazement I felt when I saw Anthony Kiedis’ girlfriend: pretty but unprocessed, “funky” without hollywood-trendy. My mind still conjures Pamela “Hep-Cat” Anderson and Heather Locklear when I think of Rockstar girlfriends. I know. I’m stuck in 1993.

So there wasn’t a huge response to my post “Good Ol’ Fashioned ‘Beauty-Off’, but the clicker counts on my blog stats page show that Hallstrom is definitely getting more click, while Madison’s prolly only getting old dick. Congrats Holly H. You light up my life.