3 Reasons Why Family Ignores Abuse

These are some of the emotions you can feel when you find out that a family member knew about the abuse going on in your home but did nothing to help.

The adults in my family knew that my mom and stepdad were abusive, raging alcoholics and what I still find so painful to understand is why no one ever acknowledged it, empathized or helped.

If you’re someone that’s struggling to come to terms with the fact that members of your family turned a blind eye to the abuse you experienced today’s post is for you.

Through the lens of my personal experiences, I’m offering up 3 reasons that may help you understand why your family ignored the abuse.

I’ve got to say, even if you never get your why…

What you’ll learn today, will help you see that your family’s inability to rally wasn’t your fault and certainly not a reflection of your worth.

Ultimately, their inaction says nothing about you but everything about them.

After you’ve had a chance to read, meet me in comment section and share if and how you’ve come to terms with a family member that turned a blind eye to abuse.

A quick heads up here. I realize the reasons I’m providing, based off of my own experiences, certainly aren’t exhaustive and don’t represent every family. That’s why it so important for you to sound off and share in the comment section.

Remember your voice, experiences and insights are vital to this community. And what you have to share is not only unique but it may be exactly what someone else needs to read. And that someone could be you.

As always, thanks for commenting, sharing and reading each and every week.

Until Next Tuesday,

xx-dawn

#1 They’re Cut From The Same Dysfunctional Cloth

As a kid, I foolishly believed that the only reason why my family never protected my mom from my stepdad’s beatings was because they didn’t know about them.

So the night that my Pop-Pop (my mom’s dad) showed up at our house just in time to witness my stepdad pinning my mom up against the fridge by her neck – I thought for sure he’d send my stepdad packing.

But instead, as my mom dangled there, her face slowly turning purple, my Pop-Pop leaned back in his chair and growled, “That’s what you get, you bitch. Next time you keep your mouth shut.”

At that time, I didn’t understand my Pop-Pop’s reaction. I was devastated. But now as an adult I know better.

I know that my family knew about the beatings. I know that they knew about the beatings my mom unleashed on me. But because they were all cut from the same dysfunctional cloth they saw that as normal. And as a result, they did nothing.

In my family, there are generations of dysfunction, addiction and abuse that had never been challenged before. And unfortunately, that cycle and behavior became the family norm.

So in that context, it makes sense to me now why my Pop-Pop, aunts, uncles and cousins never said or did anything about it.

As a family, they were all cut from the same dysfunctional cloth.

So if you’re thinking about a specific family member and you’re wondering why they never spoke up about the abuse, try to place their inaction in the context of your bigger family picture.

Within the context of your family, does their behavior make sense?

Now, just because it makes sense, within the family, doesn’t mean their inaction or lack of concern is okay.

I just want you to see that their behavior really isn’t about you.

#2 They Didn’t Have “It” To Give

This one has been a hard lesson for me to learn but sometimes you have to accept that some people, even if they’re family, just don’t have it to give.

The “it” in this scenario could be anything from support to protection all the way to unconditional love.

Years ago, I hit a really rough spot after my stepmom left my dad to be with her lover in Florida.

I remember being on the phone with an aunt who was in town, and asking her if she’d drive out to hang out with me. I told her that I really needed her support and company.

And her response was one that I’ll never forget. She said, “I can’t because my car doesn’t have air conditioning and I don’t like to drive with the windows down.”

At the time I was devastated by her response and I took it very personally. But over the years I realized that her inaction had nothing to do with me. I was asking something of her that she just didn’t have to give.

I went to the wrong person to try to get my needs met.

It’s unfortunate but even when abuse is present that doesn’t automatically mean that your family will step in to protect you. And sometimes that’s because that person or collection of people just don’t have “it” to give.

#3 They Didn’t Have The Strength Or The Courage

Another aunt, that I absolutely adored, dropped me off and left me with my mom one night when she was belligerently drunk.

I was only 7 years old at the time but I still remember the look of horror on my aunt’s face when my mom answered the door and my aunt realized how out of control and dangerous my mom was.

Instead of offering to take me for the night or at least calling the police in private, my aunt just let me go inside. And that night I got quite the beating.

For years that night haunted me and I replayed my aunt’s response or lack of response over and over again in my head.

Fast forward 15 years later and I’m living in an apartment above a man who beats the crap out of his girlfriend on a regular basis.

It took me weeks to build up the courage to call the police and do something about it.

I worried that I was making a mistake. I thought I should just mind my own business and I was afraid of what might happen if they found out that I’d made the call.

That’s when I realized the tremendous amount of courage and strength it takes to stand up and take action against abuse. That’s when I considered for the first time, that my aunt just didn’t have that kind of courage or strength.

Her decision to remain silent had nothing to do with me or my worth but everything to do with the courage that she didn’t have at the time to do the right thing.

Coming to terms with family members who stayed silent in the face of abuse isn’t about making excuses for them. But I think it’s so important, for your recovery and healing, to see that their inaction had nothing to do with you and was never a reflection of your worth.

If you’re in a spot right now where you’re struggling to come to terms with something like this, try to place their behavior in your family context. Try to replace what you think they should’ve done with they were actually capable of doing. Ask yourself, did they really have the strength or the courage? Did they even have that kind of support and protection to give?

Again, I’m not asking you to make excuses or pretend like it’s okay, I just want you to see how little their choices had to do with you and your worth.

Finally, learn from their inaction and realize that you have the power and the knowledge to choose differently especially if abuse is still alive in your family.

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I was sexually abused as a child by several different “friends of the family.” My sister was brutally raped from age 6 until age 12 by a neighborhood predator who was also abusing every other child (and his own grandchildren) on the street. The thing is, our mother knew. My sister recalled how her vagina was torn to shreds and bled and my mother would bathe her and didn’t ask questions. I had told my mother immediately about the men who touched me inappropriately and yet she did nothing but tell me to be quiet and that men sometimes were just “dirty old men.” So many situations such as these in my childhood. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old and they moved onto other partners and basically abandoned me into the care of whomever would take me in. Father and stepmother and stepfather were alcoholics, my sister was/is a sexual predator and a nymphomaniac and my brother died of AIDS. I had an abortion at age 15. Married to an alcoholic at age 23 (and since divorced and now remarried to a wonderful “normal” person). It wasn’t until I became a mother to my two sons that I started to realize how terrible it was for me as a child and how I did not want my sons to ever know what it was like to be unloved and to feel unsafe. It also opened my eyes to my parents and made me very angry with them. How could they have done this to me? I was an innocent child and they hurt me and let people hurt me? I would rather die than to have my sons feel the pain that I knew of. I have been estranged from my mom and dad off and on through the years. My sister is such a demented sociopath that I will not allow her in my world and around my children and husband at all. I am a Christian and have been taught to forgive them – and I have. I will never forget though. I so wish that I could. Reading your article made me realize that my parents are not just one of the categories – but all 3. Thanks for doing what you are doing and for making a difference in this world. You have taken such a negative thing in your life and using it for the good of so many people. Thank God for people like you! Happy new year!

Coleen – Thank you so much for stopping by and for sharing so candidly. I can’t even believe all that you’ve been through and I’m so sorry that all that happened to you at such a young age. Again, thank you so much for sharing here – xx

great article. It is still difficult to come to terms why no one helped…. and maybe they too were afraid to get involved in such dysfunction, for whatever their reasons, I can no longer allow anger to settle in my heart. I have wasted too many years and still dwell on trying to find answers. Thank you for such a well thought out article.

A reality I learned also growing up, once at an age where I could comprehend reality from the fairy tale land I’d take myself to in order to escape my reality, I recognized the generational curses pronounced over my family and the fear that lied in the hearts of many. We later in life, after too many outbursts from me, had to discuss things as a family, which usually made us distant, so much less covered the truth and add press of lies were uncovered I realized, no one knew what they were doing in the parenting department, the was no book to make them perfect parents, and hanging with two parent homes and befriending what I thought was normal households, opened me up to the fact that everyone has mess in their family they just deal with it differently. Some people’s coping method effect others and some lack of courage or anger would not allow them to help. I remember screaming to my aunt of how hungry we were and the comments she would make, how upsetting and confusing they were to a child trying to both love and protect her mom and siblings. She cried that seeing me at 4 cooking so that we could eat while my mom lay slumber in bed drunk was disheartening but she realized that if she had taken us from my mom, it would have killed her. I thought it was acroc of crap like the fake tears she squeezed out, later in life I realized she was also dealing with somethings and didn’t know herself what to do. And that, although dangerous, and dysfunctional my mother’s love was still pure in its own weird way, I could love her bc of her weaknesses and forgive her for not being strong when she had every reason to be vulnerable and weak. I didn’t like that Everytime she looked at me, I reminded her of my dad, she would beat the crap out of us, then only me bc I stood up for my siblings. I became an underdog for everybody, yet still searching for someone to stand up and protect me… Someone I can trust, their intentions tell off on them though. My dad fought to lower child support but not for custody, it was embarrassing they hated each other so much they used us kids as pawns to hurt each other. We were their only way to let each other know they still cared, although they hated each other. Last year, my parents went fishing together with me, my dad stayed 15 minutes. I cried bc those 15 minutes seemed to heal a portion of a lifetime worth of disappointments. Don’t lose hope, love in despair, but if you need to take time to recharge or remove yourself from an unhealthy situation, you have permission to do so. My family couldn’t join in and help bc they were also apart of the major reason she drank. Sometimes she pretended to be drink to push people away, I knew that about her to, my mom. Anywho, life is much better with a half glass full perspective for me anyways. Thanks for allowing me to share, in such an accepting environment. Many people turn their face to abuse bc it puts them at risk and their children also, especially if the person is really dangerous. And cops make it worse, court cases and jail leave you even more poor and hungry than ever.

Thanks for sharing Kim. There’s so much insight in what you wrote. I especially loved what you wrote here – “And that, although dangerous, and dysfunctional my mother’s love was still pure in its own weird way, I could love her bc of her weaknesses and forgive her for not being strong when she had every reason to be vulnerable and weak.” So insightful.

My situation cannot be unique. My alcholic father was a policeman. Therefore, no help could be given because the dysfunction was countersigned by a system of protection of the abuser, not the abused. The brotherhood maintained all of the fellow officer’s secrets, dysfunctions, and reinforced anger because the policeman was honorable and obviously the nagging wife, the bratty children brought him to it. Worse, each policeman was worse than the next so no action would be taken. If we did call the cops, his friends would chuckle about the “misunderstanding”.