"I don't need it," says the contestant confidently. "'Slumdog' deserves to win the Oscar for best picture for the simple reason that it is the best picture. Original, bold, imaginative, uplifting. Anyone who doesn't recognize this film's brilliance should be dumped into a vat of excrement."

The host demurs. "Has someone forgotten to take their Zoloft?"

"I'm mildly medicated," says the contestant. "So, what's the answer?"

The host pauses again. "You'll have to wait until around midnight tonight," he says with a sweeping gesture. "That's when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hands out the best picture statuette at the 81st annual awards ceremonies."

This is not the answer the contestant wants to hear. He runs off the set, screaming like Babe at a pig roast.

To see if Boberooski has any other predictions, an intrepid reporter follows the contestant into the green room where he finds him chugging Maalox with a vermouth chaser.

"Any more Oscar predictions?" the reporter asks cautiously. Wary the contestant could become further unhinged at any moment, he stands near the doorway in case he has to make a hasty getaway.

"First, let me just state that not nominating 'The Dark Knight' for best picture is a slap in the face to all chiroptera."

(The reporter nods and later looks up the word "chiroptera" and discovers it refers to the order of bats.)

"'Gran Torino' was hosed, too," says the contestant, removing his clip-on tie and sticking it in his coat pocket. "'Button,' as the top nomination-getter with 13, could pull off an upset. However, considering how many major awards 'Slumdog' has won, including the Golden Globe, it's not likely."

The nominees for best actor are Richard Jenkins, "The Visitor"; Frank Langella, "Frost/Nixon"; Sean Penn, "Milk"; Brad Pitt, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"; and Mickey Rourke, "The Wrestler."

"All superb choices," says the contestant as he runs his fingers through his thinning hair, "though I would have substituted Clint Eastwood, the star of 'Gran Torino,' for Pitt.

"Langella, a veteran actor who seldom delivers a bad performance, was my early pick. The Academy loves to honor thespians who have paid their dues, but Langella's screen time in 'Frost/Nixon' is limited. That didn't prevent Anthony Hopkins from winning in 'The Silence of the Lambs,' but the competition this year is fiercer.

"Penn recently took home the Screen Actors Guild Award, but Rourke picked up the Golden Globe. Also, Penn is a previous winner for 'Mystic River' and Rourke's performance represents a comeback from oblivion. And the Academy loves comebacks from oblivion. He's also amazing. Jenkins is wonderful, too, but his film didn't generate much buzz. If Pitt wins, I'm going to club the Academy with a pendulum."

(The reporter nods and gets the Edgar Allan Poe reference three hours later.)

"I'm glad to see the Academy nominated Leo," says the contestant who starts to gnaw on a Charleston Chew. "She deserves to win. Her performance is astounding, but as with Jenkins, her film lacks momentum. Like 'The Visitor,' 'Frozen River' was released early last year.

"Hathaway is too young and Jolie is too weird. She is also a previous winner best supporting actress for 'Girl, Interrupted.' She should have been replaced by Sally Hawkins, the Golden Globe winner for 'Happy Go Lucky."'

"So, the race is between Streep and Winslet, two immensely talented actresses. Streep won the SAG Award, but Winslet garnered two Golden Globes. Streep is also a two-time previous winner best supporting actress for 'Kramer vs. Kramer' and best actress for 'Sophie's Choice.' And she's had more Oscar nominations than I've had nervous breakdowns: 15.

"Winslet, meanwhile, has been nominated six times, but has bupkis to show for it. She's due. She also starred in 'Revolutionary Road.' That's two quality films in one year, though I preferred 'Reader' to 'Road.'

"It's time Oscar gave a kiss to Kate."

(The reporter nods. He looks up "bupkis" in the dictionary and discovers it means "absolutely nothing" in Yiddish. He gets the "Kiss Me, Kate" reference five hours later.)

"All excellent candidates, but the live ones shouldn't bother with acceptance speeches, because this Oscar is going to the late, great Ledger," the contestant predicts with a glimmer in his bloodshot eyes. "Even if he hadn't gone to that big actors studio in the sky, Heath would be the favorite to win. His super-psychotic Joker rocked the Casbah."

The contestant proceeds to imitate the Clash. The reporter proceeds to get nauseous.

"Anyway," says the contestant as he puts down his air guitar, "expect the Aussie to join Peter Finch of 'Network' fame as a posthumous Oscar winner."

"I haven't predicted this category correctly since I had my first frontal lobotomy back in '57," says the contestant. "As you know, Miyoski Umeki won for 'Sayonara' that year."

(The reporter nods. He has no idea who Umeki is.)

"Now, Cruz should win this award hands down," says the contestant as he rubs his frontal lobes. "She's the straw that stirs the sangria in 'Barcelona,' but the Academy seldom does the right thing in this category.

"The Academy could acknowledge 'Button' and give Henson the Oscar. It could acknowledge 'Doubt' and bestow the honor on Davis, even though her performance consists basically of one scene. It's a great scene, but it's only one scene. Of course, Beatrice Straight won for 'Network' with less than eight minutes of screen time.

"Adams has to be considered a long shot. If Tomei wasn't a previous winner for 'My Cousin Vinny' she'd be a contender, also. I'm going with Cruz but I don't feel confident."

The nominees for best director are David Fincher, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"; Ron Howard, "Frost/Nixon"; Gus Van Sant, "Milk"; Stephen Daldry, "The Reader"; and Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire."

"But I feel confident on this one!" the contest exclaims. "Boyle better win or I'm going to get steamed. Or boiled. 'Slumdog' is a masterpiece and Boyle is the painter.

"I also would have nominated Eastwood for either 'Gran Torino' or 'Changeling.' Directing two fine films in one year at the age of 79? That man must be mixing his Geritol with steroids.

"By the way, the other sure bets this year are 'WALL-E' for best animated film and 'Man on Wire' for best documentary. Would you like some other predictions? Like when the world is going end?"