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College-Wide Student Survey Gathers Campus Attitudes, What Kind of Cheese You Are

Amherst, MA – In response to mounting social tensions and general discontent, the Amherst administration, in conjunction with Hart Research Associates and BuzzFeed, released a campus-wide student survey to gather information about campus attitudes and what kind of cheese best embodies the spirit of the student body. The school hopes to get the pulse of campus with students’ opinions on Lord Jeff, the athlete v. non-athlete divide, and what kind of delicious dairy product your personality matches the most.

“We’ve always felt the best way to improve student life was to really hone in what they’re feeling,” remarked Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey. “A big part of that is what kind of coagulated milk protein you are.”

Utilizing sophisticated algorithms, the survey paints a picture of the average Amherst student’s feelings about the social climate of campus and, of course, cheese. With questions like, “How do you feel about changing the mascot?” to “How often do you go to Valentine alone?” Hart Research Associates will be able to figure out whether you’re more of a Swiss or Roquefort person.

“I’ve honestly thought my entire life that I was definitely a Brie, but I gotta say, my results from the survey were a welcome surprise,” said Katelyn Ryan ’17, a Gruyere.

Some critics have pointed out that this survey may not contribute to campus improvement at all, but would rather deepen the Gouda, non-Gouda divide.

“This divide is like a bacterium, altering the composition of the student body until it is unrecognizable,” said Parmesan Jacob Franklin. “There are Pepper Jacks on campus who arrive with a friend group already built in, leaving underprivileged students like me out to fester in loneliness.”

Moving forward, the college hopes to implement structural changes that embrace each and every personality type – from string all the way to Camembert.