The People's Republic of China (PRC; in Simplified Chinese, 中国共产党一党专政人民不可当家作主共和国, Traditional Chinese: 中國共產黨領導多黨合作制下華夏人民不便當家作主的共和國; in Hanyu Pinyin, Zhōngguó Gòngchǎndǎng Yīdǎng Zhuānzhèng Rénmín Bùkakke Dāngjiā Rénmín Zuòzhǔ Gònghéguó ("The Land of Bird Flu"); or in Overly Simplified Chinese: You order? Fiteen minute) is a pivotal support mechanism for the United States retail industry.

It is known as "birth place of everything," as everything was invented in China first, including paper, television, internet, bad driving, and America's debt. You name it, they invented it.

For centuries China was ruled by a series of dynasties that supplanted each other by scheduled and formal occasion, no bloodshed necessary; that was until some incredible dickhead obsessed with kitten huffing decided to mess things up (you'll read about this douche below).

After a sudden and unexpected five-hour civil war in 1949, the Communists led by the maniacal but adorable Mao Zedong poster hanging on Tiananmen Gate took over China in a sweeping musical revolution known as "The Cool" by Lupe Fiasco. Eyewitness accounts now confirm that your Mom was there. The People's Republic of China has often been at odds with its 20th century nemesis, the American Empire, but ever since 1972 the two countries have grudgingly met together for an annual gift exchange and hand job.

Contents

History

Prehistory

This bizarre face on a Shang bronze shows what the Chinese deemed attractive male features at the time. An inscription on the back reads "Aren't I pretty? Kiss me soldier boy!"

China was founded by a Chinaman named Yellow Emperor. He taught the Chinese how to plow using a hoe, to farm, to fight using kung fu, to play with fire, and to stop, drop and roll.

Xia Dynasty

Invented around 3000 BC, all the archaeologists were too lazy to research this dynasty, plus nobody really cares anyways.

The 'Shang' Dynasty (1600 - 1046 BC)

Soon the Chinese discovered how to write character symbols for court divination ceremonies on animal bones, strips of bamboo, and the gigantic, she-male nail clippings. The Chinese figured out how to ride in spoke-wheeled chariots in the shape of pimped out Cadillacs by the middle of the Shang Dynasty (1600 BC - 1046 BC).[1] The Shang Dynasty Chinese crafted brilliant bronzewares at discount prices, and carved jade ornaments in the form of panda bears sexually violating Japanese tourists.[2]

The 'Zhou' Dynasty (1046 - 256 BC)

The Duke of Zhou was a star-studded cowboy in the wild western frontier of China, a Tom Jones impressionist who had a fief based on the peripheral edges of the burgeoning Han Chinese civilization. It was a groovy time back then, full of psychedelic drugs and sexual experimentation at band camp; but hard times were up ahead. His tributary master, King Dixin of Shang, became a stupid ruler. Dixin once erected a gigantic pool of Smirnoff Vodka and forced 1,000 midget courtiers to swim, drink, and drown in it (true story). He forced the Duke of Zhou to pay annual tribute of 10,000 coupons to the Shang court. He also forced the Duke to give his royal ball sack an annual sniffing at court in order to humiliate him like the other vassals. In 1046 BC, the Duke of Zhou "had enough of this shit";[3] he gathered an army of Chinamans, nerds, pirates, paraplegics, African-Americans, and disgruntled ex-Disneyland employees to fight the Shang Dynasty. In that year, the Duke of Zhou destroyed the Shang Dynasty and their Japanese allies in the Battle of Midway, a decisive Zhou victory celebrated afterwards with a gigantic beer slid] and jello shots.[4] Hence the Zhou Dynasty was founded, and lasted until 256 BC when some asshole decided to ruin a good thing (you'll read about this incredible dickhead below).[5]

Also, to commemorate the victory, the groovy swingers' manual of the Tao Te Ching was written shortly afterwards. The book was awarded in China in 1999 with the "Funnier-Than-Bill-Clinton-On-Viagra-While-Guest-Appearing-On-Temptation-Island" award, but this has recently been usurped by Bobcat Goldthwait's face.[6]

Warring States of Death (403 - 221 BC)

Learn Chinese language in minutes...

The ancient philosopher Confucius (551–479 BC); Confucius say: "It takes lots of wood and bolts to make crib, but one screw to fill it".

While the Zhou Dynasty was still warm and kicking, their rulers lost much of their central authority and legitimacy in 771 BC. This happened because King You of Zhou lost his reputation when he decided that pink was his favorite color and lost a pivotal arm-wrestling match to a peasant named Yu Er Dum, who had a total of four fingers left for both hands; the others were lost during furious masturbation, an ancient Daoist exercise ritual.[7] The furious mastubating by Daoists, however, created the first great Chinese population explosion as women who squatted in the rice paddies found themselves becoming pregnant.[8] Meanwhile, regional strongmen and nobles amassed their own power and started calling themselves kings in an era known as the Warring States of Death, Destruction, Mayhem, Murder, and Infidelity (403 - 221 BC).[9]

This was an era when war was fought and fluctuating borders came about not through bloodshed and violence, but with a Dance Dance Revolution match. Eventually Shang Yang, the Chancellor of Gay Sex from the State of Qin, realized how stupid and ineffective this type of warfare was, and so actually started killing people when the Qin forces showed up to the monthly Dance Dance Revolution get-togethers.

About this time, master Sun Tzu (544 - 496), author of the Art of War, wrote the lesser known Fart of War, which is hailed as a military classic and the first book to mention the use of siphoned human farts to choke enemy troops to death while sapping under city walls.[10] Other clever tactics included "Hey your shoelace is untied, I'll kick you in the nuts just as hard as I can then you kick me, and the first one to give up loses." In 479 BC, the philosopher and educator, Confucius, a man responsible for consolidating the guidelines that would shape East Asia, died after choking on a KFC chicken bone. Though his earlier works were hailed as successes, commentators note that as he got older, the old man started to lose clarity. Phrases like: “Confucius says: Kids today don’t know they’re born”, “Confucius says: Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit”, and “Confucius says: I remember when this was all millet fields”, fail to make it into final editions of The Analects.[11] They did, however, make it into Oprah's book club listing.

The 'Qin' Dynasty (221 - 207 BC)

The Terracotta Army was created in 210 BC to hide the naughty porn collection of the First Qin Emperor, who had a fetish for midgets, horses, blind women, women with no legs, 10-year-old boys, and grandmothers.

In 221 BC, the armies of Qin Shihuangdi “peacefully liberated” the whole of China for the first time under one Qin Dynasty (221 BC - 206 BC), and the government went around relieving citizens of burdensome relics of the old feudal system, such as life and happiness. Qin Shihuangdi also built the retro version of the Great Wall of China, encouraging the workers to labor over his construction projects with the constant threat that they would be forced to watch the dumbest movie lines of Keanu Reeves over and over until they succumbed to his labor demands. It is recorded in Chinese historical texts that 180,000 laborers died in this manner, their brains exploding within their skulls due to the incredible pressure of relentless playing of nauseating Keanu Reeves lines. The poor bastards!

The Qin Emperor was far too hard on his people (in more ways than one, wink, wink), and so they rebelled against his son once he was dead. The First Emperor died when his Prime Minister Li Si and Vice Chancellor Rick James convinced him that liquid mercury "was one hell of a drug", much more so than cocaine, crack, or laundry detergent.[12] The First Emperor snorted a liquidy line of mercury off of a hooker's back and was found dead two hours later in an imperial bathroom with a pair of panties worn around his head like an official's hat, beer goggles on, anal lube caked onto his fingers, and a tattoo on his back of Kenny Rogers holding a bottle of whiskey while vomiting into a girlscout's mouth.[13]

The 'Tang' Dynasty (618 - 907 AD)

The Leshan "Lesbian" Giant Buddha, 71 m (233 ft) in height; construction began in 713 and was completed in 803 to commemorate overweight, freakishly tall and long-eared Buddhist monks everywhere. Modern-day communist China has decided to "update" the statue with a resculpted face of Mao Zedong by 2020.

A gossipy singing boy named Li Yuan–employed in the house of a wealthy military general–learned the tactics of war and overthrew the previous Sui Dynasty, founding the Tang Dynasty in 618.[14] However, Li Yuan (now Emperor Gaozu of Tang) was still such a gigantic pussy that his 5-year-old son Li Shimin overpowered him in a punching match. The latter became Emperor Taizong of Tang, informally known as the "Nicely-Dressed Emperor".[15] However, everyone became fooled by his sense of fashion, as Emperor Taizong was really a crazy war nut, surpassing even George W. Bush as a war-freak by invading every single foreign country within the vicinity of China's borders, including the small landlocked nation of Tajiki-no-one-knows-this-country-stan.[16]

In 755 AD, at the height of China’s “Golden Age”, rebels An Lushan and Shi Siming lead an armed uprising against the ruling Tang Dynasty. Disgruntled peasants complained that the government spent too much time and money having passionate affairs and stirring political intrigue in order to attract CCTV producers of television dramas from the future. The Curse of the Golden Flower fails to win a single Oscar nomination at the 2007 Academy Awards, and producers begin to leave the past as audience’s demand more modern dramas. The An Lushan rebellion is quickly quelled and the Emperor blames everything on the time-travelling foreigners.

The Tang Dynasty fell in 907 after regional military governors known as jiedushi began amassing more power in their own regions. They undermined central authority and broke all taboos, such as "mooning" the emperor, telling the emperor to "fuck off" in front of his ministers, and egging and toilet-papering the walls of the emperor's palace as a hilarious prank and means to show who was the real boss.[17] Finally a man named Zhu Wen, a deoderant-factory supervisor and part-time call girl,[18] became a powerful jiedushi and overthrew the Tang Dynasty after convincing the last Tang emperor that eating hard, concentrated balls of deoderant as medicine was not lethal and had no detrimental effects in the long-run.

The 'Song' Dynasty (960 - 1279 AD)

Emperor Huizong, aka The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Huizong; after this flamboyant connoisseur of art was captured by the Jurchen invaders in 1126, he spent his days in Jurchen captivity in the north. Some say he ran away and joined a circus; others say he became the male concubine of the Jurchen ruler; others simply don't give a shit what happened to this fairy.

The Song Dynasty was founded by Zhao Kuangyin, a Hong Kong actor famed for his brutal martial arts moves. These included cruel tactics such as "Tiger-Who-Claw-Off-Penis" and "Intestine-Reaching-Dragon-Fist-Anal-Stuffing-Power-Punch".[19] Since none of the would-be regional governor-generals (jiedushi) were a match for these tactics, Zhao Kuangyin scared everybody into following him. Thus the Song Dynasty was born, and everyone was forced to wear funny hats.

From 1125 to 1126, the Jurchens from Manchuria started a war by the command of the Japanese mercenary Tom Cruise–"the last Samurai"–against the Chinese Song Dynasty. The Jurchens were temporarily stopped from invading China by Mulan, but she retired from the army after getting a role in a Disney movie. After Mulan retired, the Chinese armies were helpless and died on site once Tom Cruise began spouting his earth-shattering one-liners. That was until the Song Dynasty enlisted the aid of the shaolin monks, who used the powers of the ancient Buddhist sect Bjork to chop off Tom Cruise's balls, thus emasculating the enemy Japanese commander. This is the reason that he is now a scientologist today (believing that this cult holds the cure for his lack of balls and diseased brain uncurable by modern psychiatry). However, the Jurchens conquered the cold, bitter, northern part of China, forcing the Song court to flee south, rubbing their defeat in their face with annual New Year's gift cards reading "Happy New Year, Pussies! I bet you miss the north, don't you bitches?"[20]

The Jurchens' Jin Dynasty was destroyed by the Mongols in 1234 by Genghis Khan when he finally realized that Tom Cruise was too boyishly-good-looking for him. Kublai Khan won over a lot of the southern Chinese in a propaganda campaign with slogans such as "Mongols and Chinese go together like milk and cereal!", clearly an effort to win over the poor people of China by appealing to them through their daily diet.[21] To win over the rich and affluent members of society, the Mongols promised wine, women, silk, and free tickets to see Crouching Walrus, Shitting Dragon, a popular play staged at the time. To force the Song imperial family into submission, Kublai Khan arm wrestled with the Song emperor, betting that if the Song emperor lost he would hand over southern China to Kublai. The Song emperor lost, and was forced to give up southern China, but Kublai promised the emperor that he would grant him the title, Lord of Southern China. (Doesn't the title lord sound so badass?)

The 'Yuan' Dynasty (1279 - 1368 AD)

After Kublai Khan conquered all of China in 1279 and created the Yuan Dynasty, Marco Polo arrives in Beijing and brings with him the inventions of spaghetti, ice cream, and gunpowder. Five years later, after investing in the Joint Venture “Sino-Polo Happy Food and Fireworks Factory”, a bankrupt Marco leaves China with all his ideas pirated and distributed freely around China. The Mongol government responds to Venetian protests by saying it was all a ”misunderstanding”, and Marco “didn’t understand the Chinese way”.[22]

The Mongol rulers were cruel to the Chinese, forcing them to eat milk and cheese (a no-no in the Chinese diet), celebrate Christmas, greet only by bowing backwards, and forced them to accept Japanese people as their friends and neighbors, an evil sin in Chinese culture. The latter requirement was only stalled once Kublai realized he could not successfully invade Japan by sea, since the Japanese had littered the Sea of Japan with land mines disguised as Hello Kitty lunchboxes, which were just too cute and irresistible not to take. Once the Chinese became tired of Mongol oppression, the iron workers, hydraulic dam workers, and prostitutes' unions began staging protests in demand of higher wages and better working conditions. These led to revolts that the Mongols couldn't quell, since they were too preoccupied with hunting, tent-building, pillaging, and worshipping their chief deity, Chow Yun-Fat.[23]

The 'Ming' Dynasty (1368 - 1644 AD)

The Great Wall of China, quite possibly the stupidest idea for defense in human history, is a product of the Ming Dynasty; the old Warring States, Qin Dynasty, and Han Dynasty Great Wall was of rammed earth and wooden rampart construction, so did not survive easily, much like your mother after I rolled off of her. Shaa!

The Ming Dynasty was founded by a carriage driver and comic book guru named Zhu Yuanzhang, who joined a Buddhist monastery because all of his neighbors refused to take him in (he rarely washed his asshole).[24] Zhu Yuanzhang joined the Red Turban and Pink Armband Rebellion against the Mongol-led Yuan Dynasty in 1352, happy at last that he was able to kill him some Mongols, yee-haw! In the year 1363, Zhu defeated his arch nemesis and fellow rebel leader Chen Youliang in the Battle of Lake Poyang, but only after Chen had made the fatal decision to equip his navy with "Made in China" swords, which turned out to have lead in them, and everyone was poisoned due to the Chinese tradition of licking the sword before battle. Some 600,000 idiots died in this battle because of it.[25] In 1368, Zhu Yuanzhang managed to kick out the last remaining Mongols and renamed himself the Hongwu Emperor, or the "Vastly-Obese Emperor".

In 1405, Admiral Zheng He and his men arrive on the east coast of Africa: a feat accomplished 87 years before Columbus discovered America. Zheng He then proceeded to write a letter to the later Portuguese explorers saying "Got here first bitches!"[26] In reality, the Chinese had been sailing to Africa for centuries, but Zheng really wanted to drive the point home, you know?

The Ming Dynasty ended when a border general named Wu Sangui let the Manchu prince Dorgon through at the Shanhai Pass in a treacherous plot that was aided by the future CIA after being bribed. The Manchus stormed Beijing during an internal rebellion and proclaimed the Shunzhi Emperor the new ruler of China; the people who were still loyal to the Ming Dynasty–such as Adam Sandler–decided it was best to commit suicide rather than submit, and so drove their carriages off of a cliff near Beijing while singing "O'Doyle Rules! O'Doyle Rules!"[27]

The 'Qing' Dynasty (1644 - 1912)

The Qianlong Emperor writing a poem entitled Ninja Rap: "Yo, it's the Green Machine, gonna rock the town without being seen, have you ever seen a turtle get down? Slammin’ Jammin’ to the new swing sound." It became a classic in Chinese poetry, "sampled" later by tasteless hacks such as Vanilla Ice.

After Dorgon helped the Shunzhi Emperor snatch the throne in Beijing, the Qing began a long process of conquering Ming remnants, which ended in 1662 when the Qing army lured to last remaining Ming prince to a Metallica concert which was really a Phil Collins show (as anyone knows, the piercing shrill of Phil Collins' voice kills men, women, children, goats, fish, grass, and bacteria within a twelve mile radius).[28] The Manchus enforced universal dress codes and hairstyles upon the Chinese that were native to the Manchu, such as the Mexican zoot suit and mohawks, which became Chinese stereotypes well into the 1980s.[29] The Qing Dynasty reached its height under the Kangxi (r. 1661–1772), Yongzheng (r. 1722–1735), and Qianlong (r. 1735–1796) emperors, all of whom efficiently ran the empire under a shadow organization of state spies known as the Power Rangers, who could conveniently morph into a Manchu, Chinese, or inconspicuous trashcan at will (those evil bastards!).[30] Evil indeed.
Since a lot of Chinese were pissed with the Manchus, the Manchu emperor allowed Han Chinese territories to be govern by Han Chinese governors., but the same emperor also was never potty-trained.

In 1793, Lord MaCartney–a well-known porn celebrity and Austin Powers look-alike in Great Britain–sailed to China and pleaded with the Emperor Qianlong to accept British exports of microwaved vegetarian meals, opium, and kitten huffing products in return for more Chinese tea, which–along with the Sex Pistols–was all the rave back in England. MaCartney’s demands weren’t met and he returned disheartened to the United Kingdom. However, the British never forgot this slight, and so returned to China in 1840 with a navy led by Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy's navy crushed Chinese resistance once the Chinese realized that their army of bats was no match for Ozzy, who simply bit their heads off and mumbled so low and incoherently due to rabies that Chinese spies listening in could not comprehend his orders. By 1842, faced against powerful slogans like “Keep China British” and “It’s time to euthanise the Sick Man of Asia”, feeble catchphrases like “Get high on Confucianism!” fails to win the War on Drugs for the Qing government in their efforts to stamp out opium and kitten huffing.[31] In the aftermath, Hong Kong was ceded to the British, and the Chinese vow to seek revenge by bricking the windows of the British Embassy 125 years later.

Modern era (1912 - present)

"Was that a piece of shit floating in the coffee that Lin Biao just served me?" ponders a young Mao Zedong, "Oh well, I'll get him back later; it'll be something to do with planes, for sure". Lin Biao would later be Punk'd by Mao Zedong in a mysterious plane crash on September 13, 1971. What a funny prank on Lin! That'll show him for putting shit in the Chairman's coffee.

In 1911, Sun Yat-sen’s new Republic ends nearly 5000 years of imaginary imperial rule. The new Chinese Congress promised to eradicate bad and repetitive jokes within the next five years. “China is a developing country” they remind critics.

In 1949, after years of civil war, Japanese invasion, and national humiliation, a giant portrait painting of Chairman Mao gained control of China. The giant poster wielded power through an army of smaller, photocopied, versions of itself, and promises to rid all China of stamps featuring Queen Victoria and placards of Chiang Kai-Shek. The giant poster of Mao is head of the Chinese Communist Party, which at the time was the biggest, and probably the best, Communist Party in the whole world.[32] The drunken, inept, overweight administration of Mao's ping pong tournament enemy Chiang Kai-shek was forced to flee to the island of Taiwan, where he established the Wal-Mart's Republic of China.

In 1950, while a regiment of the People's Liberation Army was really drunk after attending a Mao-Look-Alike celebration, they decided to stumble into Tibet to find some bars to drink at and some Tibetan girls, and woke up the next morning to find they had killed half the population and slept with the other half (including the men). Well, since they were there and had already struck fear into the hearts of the people with their drunken rage, why not occupy the place and build some giant Mao statues there? Mao was told of the events soon after they unfolded on the ground, and he nodded in approval while yawning, scratching his crotch, and flipping the channel from CCP News to The Andy Griffith Show.

In 1958, Chairman Mao began the Great Leap Forward, which quickly leaps to the top of the BBC’s All-Time Best Misnamed Political Campaigns, pushing aside old favorites like Hitler’s “Great Hanukah Promotion Drive” and Gandhi’s “Let’s Kick Their Fucking Heads Open”.[33]

In 1966, Mao followed his success with “The Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution”. The Chinese foresaw a great travesty to mankind, so they then set out on a campaign to destroy The Four Olds: Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Charlie Watts, and Ron Wood. Unfortunately, the hippie movement overtook the Cultural Revolution, and with the death of Mao in 1976 the Chinese were forced to concede that Mozart and Elvis weren't such evil bourgeoisie capitalist pig-dogs afterall.

In 1969, the dreams of Man were realised as Neil Armstrong took his first step on the moon. China responded by stating it too will place a man selling lamb kebabs, t-shirts, and musical lighters. However, US-China relations improved when President Richard Nixon visited China in 1972; warm relations had been spurred between the United States and China since Zhou Enlai and Henry "Kiss Me" Kissinger developed a secret love affair, tickling each other and nibbling on each others' ears, holding each other at night in a long embrace while watching Bruce Lee flicks. Their hideous love affair became the basis for Ang Lee's movie Brokeback Mountain.[34]

On June 4th, 1989, according to the official records of the CCBP (Chinese Communist Block Party), on this day the sun was shining, so Deng Xiaoping decided to have a nice picnic with his friends out in the countryside. On the way home, he saw a cute kid selling homemade lemonade by the roadside, so he bought six glasses for only one yuan each, and then gave the kid a shiny button to take home. Oh, and some student in Tiananmen Square made some graffiti that was cleaned up by authorities soon after. Nothing to see here, nothing to see at all! Move along folks.

In 1997, the comet Hale-Bopp graced the heavens in one of the most beautiful sights ever to appear upon the celestial basin in recent years. Angry that the arrival of the comet was diverting media attention from the upcoming handover of Hong Kong, Deng Xiaoping passed away in a pathetic face-saving attempt to bring global attention back to China.[35] The trick was a success, and none less that Dame Edna Everage himself arrived in Hong Kong to preside over the handover ceremony.

In 2000, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Olympic committee by painting the grass green and removing all the tramps off the streets. Six weeks later, Beijing authorities greeted the arrival of the Eurovision Song Contest committee by painting the grass brown again, bringing the tramps back in, and letting them run wild on crack cocaine.[36]

Military

China's newest secret weapon, the LiPeng1000, unleashed upon the crowds at Tiananmen Square in an experiment upon expendable peasants to test the device's destructive force before applying it to real war. Beware!

Nuclear missile program

China has exactly 1000 nuclear bombs aimed at the U.S.A.! Run for your life! 0 nuclear warheads at its disposal, which it plans never plans to use for destroying the world at any minutefeng shui garden arrangements as decorative items amongst rock sculptures and marble Mao Zedong busts. China plans to sell nuclear warheads to Iran for a measly five "yuan" a piece hand over any possible nuclear warheads to the UN on January 1, 2060, with a big greeting sign that will read "Get ready to die, Yanky pig-dog slime...I will kill you until you die from it!" "You're welcome". But still, its effectiveness is questioned, after all it is still made in Cheena.

Inventions

The Chinese invented Maozilla, so that Mao could live on, in freakish form, his only vulnerability being the cooked explosion of kosher meat from Israeli missiles.

It's a well known fact that the Chinese invented everything. The Chinese people are proudest however of four great inventions, which they call, "The Four Great Inventions of China." These are 1) gunpowder (which the Chinese mix into their New Year's fireworks to frighten evil human rights activists and Tibetans) 2) the printing press (which they used in turn to invent bureaucracy) 3) Senkousha, and, last but not least, 4) McDonalds. In fact, the real name of McDonalds is not McDonalds at all but, as every Chinese will tell you, "麦当劳" (or Mai Dang Lao in Pinyin), roughly translated as "Eat Here Or We Will Crush Your Souls", which has been always misinterpreted as Microsoft, and legal debates over which company really has the most soul crushing power continued until the year 2078, when Microsoft finally bought out McDonald's in the year that Microsoft finally took over the world.

The Chinese character "Dhó", roughly translated "Impossibly complex pictogram-based writing system that takes a person a thousand thousand years to learn."

Lesser-known inventions attributable to the Chinese:

Formaldehyde or as what we, the normal people, call today as food from China. For over 2000 years, the the People's Republic of China has been exporting ready-to-cook foods to all over the world — which was the real cause of Ireland's Potato Famine and 9/11. Trade with other nations was fair and steady, until an UBER huge plague wreaked havoc on the Chinese food industry and lead to an immense scarcity. The incident made the population to compulsory carve out pig skins, body excrements, and a little egg rolls to produce formaldehyde which is the 10000000000% composition of everything you eat today. Yum!

The Shanghai Metro opened in 2007 just in time for the Rugby World Cup in South Africa. China's over-60s ladies' team, which trains daily on the Shanghai Metro by forming scrums at train doors shortly before they open, has gone undefeated for 388 games, including one memorable 111-0 victory over the Japanese men's team.

Astronaut Neil Armstrong, famous for being the first man on the moon, was actually cobbled together with bits of old pinball machines in 643 B.C. by the father of quantum physics, Rui Jing Lu Ni. Following France's lead in presenting The Eiffel Tower (coincidentally, towers were also invented in China) to the USA, Neil was given by China to the USA as a symbol of peace in 1963. Six years later, America put their first man on the moon (which the Chinese had put into orbit 900 years earlier after constructing it from leftover bricks originally meant for the Great Wall).

Famous Chinese basketballer, Yao Ming, killed two stones with one bird when he went to play basketball in the USA. Not only did his arrival spark the creation of the NBA (National Basketball Association) and the invention of the television, but also led to the creation of the much-vaunted spacetime continuuum.

Science Fiction was invented in China. The first science fiction hero 'Dr Hu' appears in ancient Chinese writings from 1650 B.C. some thirty years before the first clock was invented (also in China). Some disbeleivers think this actually signifies that China will be the first country to invent a means of time travel and exploit it to enforce copyright and patent laws to bankrupt the rest of the world (which would already have happened if it were really true so it probably isn't unless they know how suspicious we would be if we were all suddenly made bankrupt overnight).

Optical Illusions were also invented by the Chinese. The best example of this is the great wall of China which makes China appear to be bigger than it really is. In the 1960's when the US president ordered the invasion of the moon, the first troops there commented on how big China looked with its great wall surrounding all the sweat shops. If only they had looked in the opposite direction they might have noticed the first "Mr Wong's" chinese take-away on the moon (as the Chinese got there 12 years earlier but returned due to a lack of passing trade).

Anthrax. China seems to have also invented anthrax. However, they say its psdered milk.

Demographics

Since China has become so overpopulated, the government has come up with the solution of the One-Child-Policy as well as the lesser-known Crush-At-Least-One-Man-Daily-With-A-Tank policy.

As of the census of 2007, there were 51,478,229,653,775,206 people, 614,609,874,589,226 households, and 21 families residing in China. The population density was 8,573,389/km² (22,204,975/mi²). The racial makeup of China was 138.72% Chinese (If they aren't Han Chinese, let's make them!), 890% undead monsters, 1337% nunchucks, 94.04% Communist, 1.23% Hong Kongese, 0.1% Minnesotan, 0.0000002% Uighurs (Turks who think they black, but they ain't), 0.00068% Falun Gong and -22.1% Capitalist, 666% Rise Against fans, and 0.00006% from five or more races. 61.32% of the population were Bon Jovi fans of any race. There were so many people so most of the damn lot decided to imigrate to BC, Canada, and be the majority of the population.

There were 14,609,874,589,226 households out of which 14,609,874,589,210 had children under the age of 18 living with them, 14,609,874,589,212 were married couples living together, 2 had a female householder with no husband present, and 14 were non-families. 0.00000005% of all households were made up of individuals and 0.00% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 334,259,880,542,667.89 and the average family size was 335,117.23 despite the "one child per family" rule.

In China the population was spread out with 33.33% under the age of 18, 25.33% from 18 to 24, 4.34% from 25 to 44, 1.25% from 45 to 64, and 35.75% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 117 years. For every 100 females there were 489.53 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 26.23 males.

The median income for a household in the country was $64, and the median income for a family was $51. Males had a median income of $15 versus $0.04 for females. The per capita income for the country was $2.99. 102.85% of the population and 389.56% of families were below the poverty line. 491.25% of those under the age of 18 and 0.13% of those 65 and older were living below the poverty line. Special food rations were given out to the Republic of China after the great hippo brother Extethior fed the world with pancake juices with runs the line along Samuel L Jacksons plot to conquer China, but DEUS EX MACHINA occurred.

If every person in China jumped at the same time, all homosexuals would become straight, and Hulk Hogan would be able to time travel. It has also been known to cause global earthquakes and scientists speculate that early China people may have had something to do with the Dinosaur extinction. The people of China to western eyes all appear to be the same (which is why the Chinese know each other as "The Thousand Thousand Same-Look People of Wise Virtue Who no Rikee").

Because all Chinese people look exactly the same, when they encounter someone who is not Chinese they tend to laugh hysterically, point and stare. Since the government forced all Chinese to learn English they will also shout "HARRO", or "Gook maoing" at foreigners. This phenomenon is known as the "HARRO factor" and can lead foreigners to suffer temporary insanity after some time in China.

Foreign opinion on the Chinese population is generally good, though Chinese hate everybody, especially ghosts, people who live in the Republic of China (Taiwanese), and farmers near big cities. But the Russians feel that they are still stuck in the Stalinist Stage (comes right after the Anal Stage), so they feel superior. The Americans may now like them because they learned to love SUV's and pollution, but this is undetermined as no-one has deciphered the meaningless drivel yet, despite the discovery of the Roosevelt Stone in Southern Arkansas. The Japanese are never asked, and rightly so, because no-one speaking English would understand the answer.

Genetic differences to the rest of the world

Typical Chinese person typing

Recent scientific studies at CERN, under the supervision of noted scientific genius Oscar Wilde, discovered that the Chinese had many genetic differences from other humans. Instead of evolving from regular monkeys, the Chinese evolved from Sun Wukong, thus the reason why the Chinese look so different from other people, and why they are so damn smart! This may also be why they always squint like baboons.

Economy

A typical chinese based American product.

After the economic disaster of the Cultural Revolution, China began to tentative embrace capitalism much like an awkward teen clumsily feels up his first girlfriend. Reformist Deng Xiaoping was misquoted as stating "It doesn't matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice." In actuality he had said "Do whatever the hell you want, just try not to kill another 50 million people in the span of a few decades!"

Deng's advice worked. China opened its doors, and foreign investment poured into the country. China's economy took off and more people were lifted out of poverty than ever before in human history since the UN clerical error that caused Mexico to briefly dissolve in the summer of 1985.

Due to the robust Chinese economy, the gap between the super poor and the dirt poor is expanding. According to uncited sources at Wikipedia, 80 percent of the Chinese will be only dirt poor, while 20 percent will remain super poor. This is a change from 1995 when 110 percent of Chinese were too poor for words.

The Chinese is economy is much more than low-cost products. Most of the worlds fine and authentic cat and dog furs are manufactured in China. China is also a major producer of bear bile from happy, live black bears for sophisticated medical use as well as the popular Apple iPod.

Neighbors

China's neighbors are a varied lot.

Mongolia, Japan, Nintendo, North Korea, South Korea, Vietnam, etc., were all once part of China, (evident because they all look the same and they all say "yokóhuā njèn chǎnghuǎnn zuòdǎng", or something sounding like it). They broke off during the 70s, when the gap between the super poor and ultra poor had grown too wide to reconcile peacefully. The wage difference was almost 3 dollars (Zimbabwean; the currency's projected value in 2164) per-capita per year.

India is China's only cool neighbor. India attracts a lot of Chinese, with its Hippie-like free-sex have-twenty-children attitude. Most Chinese immigrants get away by calling themselves Assamese.

Russia has a population-decline problem, and would love Chinese sex-addicts to repopulate it. However, its cold weather and disappointing lack of yellow fever make it uninhabitable for most Chinese. Those who survive typically migrate to Mongolia for reasons that confound modern scientists.

Afghanistan would like China, its neighbor to the east, to drop nuclear bombs on the United States in retaliation for stealing its oil. Lots of Chinese Afghanistanis are against this idea, but many more Chinese are moving to Afghanistan for this reason.

See also

Notes

↑That's right bitch, the Chinese even had Cadillac first, so deal with it. And refer to Joseph Needham's Science and Civilization 4, Part 112, How the Chinese Invented Everything Before the West Did So You Might As Well Get Used To it, Bitch. Printed in 1966 by Cambridge University Press: The Damn Right, You Better Believe That Shit Division.

↑It's well known that Chinese people love to have dirty, foul sex with Japanese tourists; it's a new fetish from Fujian province, try it out! What are you? Some scared little sissy-nanny? I bet you never stuck your mouse in a jar of cheese whiz. If you answer no, that explains everything.

↑No official comment from Bobcat Goldthwaite, but his lawyer told us to fuck off. Go figure? He seemed pretty cool in all those Police Academy movies; I think he's gone soft, people.

↑Clinton, Bill. (2007). The Art of Daoist Masturbation: How Hillary Won't Pleasure Me Anymore So I Have to Resort To This Shit and Write a Scholarly Journal About It To Pick Up On Some College Girls. Boston: Butt Plug Press. ISBN: Does-Anyone-Even-Check-This-Number?-666-420-Your-Mom-Sucks-Gargoyle-Statue-Cock-For-Coke-449-01-X.

↑I hate to be redundant here, but this includes your Mom; someone had to break it to you, I hope you were sitting down for that one.

↑Otherwise known as "Your A Gay Fag And You'll Never Be As Cool as This" Period. Let's face it, you're a fucking dork, cunt.

↑Does this even need a citation? Where have you been for the last century? Living in a fucking cave, you ignorant pee-brained wastebucket in the bathroom at an Arbys restaurant (that's how low you are, I should know, you've made an ass of yourself on several occasions)? Even the Beatles sing about this in one of their famous songs, The Yellow Submarine Full of Chinese Fart Technology; It's Quite Randy, Baby!

↑At this point, even your Mom was a contender for imperial power; she became too busy telling you to get your damn laundry done, though.

↑Jiang, Zemin. (1998). A History of Zhu Wen, the Male Prostitute Who Became an Emperor and Shortly Afterwards the Janitor for the Imperial Palace. Beijing: The People's Cultural Prostitution Revolution Press. Page 234.

↑Zhao, Ziyang. (1995). Zhao Kuangyin: The One Mother Fucker You Should Definitely Stay Away From In a Fist Fight. Taipei: The Mainland-Haters Press. Page 232.

↑Which also included Big Macs, fried chicken, and caviar, when the latter was still known as a poor man's food.

↑Zhu, Rongji. (2002). Marco Polo is Not Welcome Back to China Until He Realizes That We Will Not Cower Down Before His Capitalist Pig-Dog Demands for Copyrights. Beijing: The People's Liberation from Liberation Press. Page 339.

↑Christ, Jesus. (1994). Deng Xiaoping: The Reformer Who Unselfishly Gave His Life and Should Be Revered More Than Me, Jesus, Even to the Extent That He Replace Me On the Image of the Cross. Fuzhou: The People's Hatred for All-Things-Japanese Press. Page 178.