John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Explaining death to young children and to a child with special needs (Published 11-8-11)

Q:

How can I explain the death of my parent to a a child with special needs - autism? The child is a seven year-old diagnosed as 'mild' and presents with ADD on a mild scale. He is able to communicate relatively well. When he describes 'grandma's house' he immediately states that she and his uncle Ed live there. As far as his cognitive ablility is concerened, he can easily play video games and knows not to touch the stove.

He was very close to his grandparent. She would care for him whenever I had to work late or had to leave town on business. He could quickly pick her out in a crowded room and freely accepted and gave affection to his grandmother.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Minerva,

Thanks for those details.

Given his age and the other factors you mention, we would assume that he certainly has seen dead leaves that fall from trees; and he has probably seen dead animals.

Nature—in the above forms—is generally the best pathway to explain death to all kids, and since his comprehension is good, he should be able to understand.

However, one key issue for young children is understanding the “permanence” of death. Your lad is right on the outer cusp line for that understanding, whereas if he were only 3, 4, 5, or even 6, he might have a hard time with that.

Explain death as best you can to him, using age-appropriate language and concepts—and if need-be, with any other consideration that you deem best since you probably know him better than anyone else in the world.

After you have set-up the idea of death and what it is, you can tell him about Grandma. It may be emotional for you—and if so, let that be, and let him see your emotions, but don’t let him try to “fix” you. Explain that tears and sadness are normal reactions when someone we love dies. As sad as it may seem, it can be a superb teaching event, which will help him with the other loss events that will occur around his life.

It may or may not be emotional for him, as he may not immediately comprehend that it means that he will never get to see her again—at least not here on earth. Don’t be pre-occupied if he’s not emotional. It may take him a while to make sense of it all. The first holiday or birthday that she’d normally be at may be when it hits him.

That said, you definitely want to avoid euphemisms, because children are so literal. Don’t say, “Grandma’s gone,” or “We’ve lost Grandma.” And, even if you believe in heaven, don’t say “Grandma’s gone to heaven.” What you’d say is, “Grandma died, and we believe that when people die they go to heaven.” It’s very important to separate that into those two parts.

Also, be real clear with your language when talking about yourself as it relates to Grandma’s death. Say things like, “I’m very sad,” and “I miss her very much.” That way you teach him how to communicate his own feelings.

We strongly suggest you go to the bookstore of library and get a copy of our book, When Children Grieve—For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses. It has very in-depth explanations about some of the things we’ve touched on in this note.