Ah, the eternal blogging conundrum: tell the story NOW, or tell it WELL. You cannot do both, what with the lack of sleep and excess of brain matter slowly leaking out of your adrenaline-sapped skull, and death is not an option, though continuing to send out short hysterical ampersand-filled updates on Twitter is.

(Wait, let me first tell you how much it bothers me when I have to sacrifice proper AP Style to make something fit on Twitter. SO MUCH, is how much it bothers me.)

What the hell, let's try "NOW." Sloppy storytelling, ahoy!

So while none of this will be any great revelation to anyone who reads me on Twitter...

(Wait, is that right? Do you "read" Twitter? I should say "follows me on Twitter," right? That just sounds kind of creepy and invasive and OMG LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! IT'S...THE INTERNET! AAAAEEEEIII!)

Sorry. Right. Anyway. My dog kind of almost died this week. Of liver failure! Do you know what the primary symptom of possible liver failure in dogs is? Vomiting! You know, because they never just vomit all the time for any other reason, like maybe they ate too many paper towels. Oh, heavens no.

I think I mentioned back...uh, awhile ago (gestures lazily at the archives) that Ceiba had a Day o' Mystery Puking. Just one day. Puking. Everywhere. Everything. And then right around the time when I started to think that MAYBE I should start thinking about finding my shoes and her leash and ehhhhhh driving to the emergency vet (because it was on a Sunday. it is ALWAYS on a Sunday. my pets need some schooling about honoring Our Lord's Day.), she stopped puking. And started eating and drinking water and running around and generally being a spastic pain in the ass. And thus, I declared her HEALED! and I'm pretty sure my brown shoes are still under the couch somewhere.

But this week it became increasingly clear that she was not healed, but was perhaps getting sicker. I pulled her food and the cat's food (AKA the food Ceiba actually eats) and offered her some matzo (don't laugh, matzo will fix your shit up right in no time, Bubbe-style) and made a vet appointment and then proceeded to spend the entire evening diagnosing her with stomach cancer, emailing Samantha frighteningly detailed descriptions of dog poop, and once again pondering the location of my shoes. I mean, I left the house that day, right? I was wearing shoes? God, I hope I was wearing shoes.

I decided against the emergency vet, as I knew they'd examine her, admit her, promise to keep her comfortable and fluid-packed, and give her an x-ray...the next morning. And that x-ray would cost three times as much as the x-ray we'd get at the regular vet...the next morning. And we know this first-hand, from previous middle-of-the-night leg-breaking experience. (2005. October-ish. You...look for it. I'm tired.) Plus...it was SO TOTALLY STOMACH CANCER. What is the poooooint, she's already done for, woe, WOE!

ANYWAY, OH MY GOD, GET TO THE POINT, STOP NARRATING MINUTIAE THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT. I took her (and one precious little turd in a Ziploc baggie) to the vet and blah blah x-ray and bloodwork and holy fucking elevated liver enzymes.

So Jason and I both turned to Dr. Google and started our House M.D. spin-off as we each tried to find out what it all meant and I basically kept looking up "liver cancer" while Jason looked up slightly more USEFUL things, like toxins that could damage a dog's liver and suddenly he was all, "EUREKA! Go check the ingredients on the bags of fertilizer downstairs!" And I was all, "I am downstairs. I don't see any bags of fertilizer." And he was all, "I meant the basement." And I was all, "Then you should have SAID the basement, God."

A couple weeks ago Jason started fertilizing all the tomato plants in our container garden on the back deck. We have both shooed Ceiba away from the plants multiple times since then, generally assuming she was hanging around them for nefarious Digging Purposes. Turns out she was eating the goddamn fancy specialized fertilizer, which in addition to SUPER TASTY THINGS like chicken feces and ground-up bones, also contained cocoa meal and copper. Both of which are ridiculously toxic to dogs. But hey! Our tomatoes are to DIE FOR.

I called the vet in a panic to let him know about our breakthrough -- assuming, of course, that they were probably mere seconds away from initiating the exact wrong treatment for the toxicity that would have disastrous effects, or at least cost us ANOTHER $800 -- but when the receptionist answered and did that thing where they said something like, "Hello, Animal Hospital, is this an emergency?" I went on auto-pilot and said, "No."

And then I said, "Wait. Shit. Yes! It IS! It IS an emergency! I HAVE ANSWERS! LISTEN TO MEEEE."

And then a whole lot of boring stuff happened and the next thing I knew I was typing this exact sentence here.

Ceiba is still at the hospital, getting her system flushed. Also hoping to squeeze in a pedicure and maybe some eyebrow waxing. Today's bloodwork showed that her liver levels are continuing to climb, but she SEEMS better. Bright-eyed, wiggly-stump-tailed, and she managed to eat some kibble and keep it down. So the vet is hopeful that the bloodwork is a lagging indicator and that her liver IS repairing itself and not failing. If her levels start going back down, we can bring her home. If they keep going up, I. Well. I will HURT THINGS. TOMATO PLANT THINGS.

Not a day goes by when I don't get thoroughly annoyed by that dog and/or threaten to skin her into a mitten. The mail slides through the slot and she loses her goddamn mind and barks and wakes up the baby and yap yap yap and SERIOUSLY. A MITTEN. OR HALF OF AN EARMUFF.

But now the mail comes and I brace myself for the racket and it doesn't come and it's not as peaceful as I thought. It's sad. I keep staring underneath Ezra's highchair after meals in complete and utter bafflement, because what the FUCK is up with that mess? What's with all this food? Who's going to clean that up? That's disgusting.

I miss the little batty-eared jackass. I hope she comes home soon and well.

Hey, there--I'm rootin' (get it--tomato plants. . . okay not funny) for Ceiba's swift return to her Mom and Dad and most awesome brothers. I wondered what was taking so long to move the page. . . you were updating. Jeez, you're kids just get more adorable by the day. Ezra, most especially, when he screams.

It's one thing to threaten to make a mitten out of her, it's a whole other thing to realize how close she was to becoming a mitten. (And I say "was" because I really do hope she makes a full and complete recovery.) May I suggest in the future fertilizing your tomatoes with waffles.

I hear you about the turning into a mitten thing. I regularly tell my dogs that I'll turn them into purses, but Lord knows that if something bad actually happened to them, I'd be a wreck. God, I love those two knuckleheads.

I hope Ceiba feels better. Hey, didn't she break her leg or something shortly after you had Noah? (I TOLD you I was a long-time reader!)

Monkey - Not really. And Noah is generally more annoyed by her than entertained, so he seems just fine. Although today we drove to the vet to drop off the bags of Toxic Things We Think She Ate and I told him we were going to the doggie hospital, and he got ALL EXCITED because he thought that meant he was going to get another Thomas the Tank Engine Duplo set and a baby sister.

No fun! Emergency vet visits just lack the charm of equivalently priced, well, almost anything. In two weeks you'll (hopefully) be looking at a perky, unrepentant dog and a big bill and wondering how you got talked into spending that much on a pet ... while scritching her ears.

Poor puppy! I think the same thing about my dog. she's such a PITA, especially when my husband is traveling for work and I have to deal with two kids on my own. Gah! This stupid dog and her need to go outside and eat and stuff! And the barking... don't even get me started on the barking.... but I'm pretty sure I would miss her if she was gone. Hope Ceiba gets to come home soon!

poor ceiba, sending her well wishes. i am hoping it all turns out for the best

something like that happened to one of my cats once but when we turned to Dr. Goggle we found out that it was rat poison... a couple days later a neighbor saw us bringing the cat home so she could spend her last night at home, she approached us and asked if that was our cat because she just thought it was a stray that had been teasing her dog... so yeah... not fun... moral of the story tag your pets so stupid neighbors don't kill them *end rant*

Does she really eat a lot of cat food? Because cat food has a much higher protein content than dog food (making it much more tasty to dogs), but the high protein levels (and maybe something else in the cat food that I can't remember) is damaging to dogs.

Ceibaaaaaaaaaaaa! (shrieky, hysterical tear-filled cry of woe) I hope that Ceiba is on the mend and home soon! Sad story: do you remember when you were pg with Ezra and Ceiba went out (through the gate that was supposedly shut) and you ran outside in your pjs looking? When I read that post (and I was an emotional pg mess myself), I cried and cried. It was a great post (made great bc Ceiba came running up to you at the end). Now I have to go find it, read it, and think good thoughts for Ceiba.

Sheesh. Because it's not bad enough that we worry about every stinking thing that can hurt our kids, we should have to worry about our dogs around such crazy things as plants. So sorry about your fuzzy-face mitten child. Hope she gets better soon.

As scary as this incident is, it could have been worse. Praise that little pup for pointing out the folly in the tomato fertilizing, ya know, before the baby did. (Dogs and babies generally put the same things in their mouths.) Stick with compost. It's only rotten veggies, so not toxic and (I assume) tastes pretty nasty. Stupid tomatoes.

This email made me tear up a little! If anything happened to my little jackrat I probably wouldn't be able to get out of bed for a week. I hope Ceiba gets well soon... can you send cards and doggie cookies to the animal hospital?

What a bummer, silly dogs and their silly mouths. At least your dog doesn't need surgery!

Our puppy swallowed such a large rock once that it blocked up his stomach. After an Exorcist-style vomit session in my kitchen, a trip the emergency vet revealed giant rock and necessity for $5000 surgery.

Oh, Amalah, how f-ing scary! My little dog is the light of my life (spinsterhood RULEZ), and just THINKING about what you've been going through freaks my sh!t right out. Tank and I are sending good vibes to Ceiba!

as a fellow min pin owner, i feel you on the mittens; i have two pins, so i'd have a matching pair! and the eating-ridiculous-crap-and-getting-sick? mine ate a bunch of my ex-roommate's cigarette butts (that i had REPEATEDLY told her not to throw on the patio), got nicotine poisoning, and had to get $$$ worth of charcoal system flushing, etc.

I have a standard poodle, so he'd make a really luscious cape. And we just found out that he has hip dysplasia. I shelled out beaucoup bucks to find this out and then even more for injections and supplements (they cost how much?!). When he came home, still loopy from the sedation for x-rays, I hovered.

I swear I'm not one of those people who equates my pet with my kid, but this certainly was a reminder that he's a member of the family.

I threaten at least ten times a day to make a purse out of my pain in the ass dog. But then one time my son let him out by accident and then stood in the living room crying and saying "Where Rossby go?" and I HAD TO FIND HIM RIGHT NOW. Like you said, who else is going to clean up under the high chair?

I am so sorry!!! We had a similar issue with our dog and the swiffer cleaning fluid about 5 years ago. Who knew that when she was cleaning the floor under the high chair for me that it could kill her? She made it, thank god. I still threaten to put her out to pasture whenever the doorbell rings, and she still cleans the floor for me. Ya know, to earn her keep.

OMG! I just spent a FORTUNE at the emergency vet because my French Bulldog (Wombat) had a massive allergic reaction. It took all night to save her and a couple of days to find the cause...apparently she thinks the tomato plants are "Ball Trees" and she's been sneaking off and eating the green ones. Tomatoes and tomato plants are REALLY toxic to dogs.
My best wishes to Ceiba, to you, and to your whole family. Wombat and I are thinking of you!

Oh man, I just threatened to roast my mini doxie with a couple of carrots and potatoes earlier today, but I'd be so freaked out if she were sick. I can't imagine the kind of stress you guys are going through...

Awww. Poor hamster dog. :-( Hopefully everything will be fine - big puppy hugs... It is hard when the pup isn't there... my Bichon is another PITA, but seriously, a great snuggle bunny when you need a pick me up. I get lonely without her...

I love my dog. He drives me nuts though. He's 14 and he has spent the last 14 years waiting for me to drop a t-bone or a chicken on the floor. Hasn't happened yet. And he eats cat shit. And he sheds everywhere. And his breath is AWFUL (cat shit people). But, I love him to pieces and when he's gone, I'm going to be devastated. Even if, I too, want to make mittens at time.

Rooting for Ceiba! One of the first posts I remember reading after I found your blog had a photo of Ceiba's ears doing this hilarious high frequency vibration thingy...still laugh when I think of it. Hope she's back yapping and vaccuming under the high chair in no time!!!!

I hope she gets much better soon. We've lost two cats (one less than a year ago) and had a nasty (and expensive) scare with another last week. You yell at them and tell them to stop doing whatever it is they do that's annoying you so much, but, oh my god, when they aren't there to annoy you and be yelled at, it's one of the saddest feelings in the world.

Oh, I hope Ceiba feels better soon! I'm right there with ya on the emergency vet - we had to take our big dumb dog in when he stepped on a little metal garden stake thing (damn, gardens are dangerous to pets!) and it was seriously like $700 for anesthesia and surgery, etc. When I took him to our regular vet for follow up care, he said he would have removed it with a pair of bolt cutters and charged us $100.

I say "big dumb dog" with tears in my eyes because he died of mysterious causes earlier this year, and DH thinks the dog may have eaten the weed killer he put on the lawn - THAT I TOLD HIM NOT TO PUT ON THE LAWN BECAUSE IT WAS HAZARDOUS.

I miss him most now that Snackbox is chowing on solids and I have to clean the floor and track down stray Cheerios.

Moral of the story? Compost and fish emulsion on the plants = healthier animals and baybees.

Matzo? There must be a Jew in your family SOMEWHERE to know that closely guarded secret! Sending good thoughts for Ceiba and a quick return to your routine of threatening her life on a daily basis. :-)

I am so sorry. I lost my cat to liver failure in Dec. I learned the very hard way about cats and livers. He was throwing up but he always did. I kept debating taking him in and didn't for several weeks. He seemed better. Then way, way, way worse. I took him immediately, they didn't find anything. He stayed sick. We went back many times. Finally they operated and found a clump of things he had swallowed, probably over weeks/months. The things had shown on Xray. The problem was he was obese, and when obese cats lose weight and get sick they often won't start eating again. which he didn't. I had a feeding tube placed, which had a 90% chance of saving him. It didn't. I am so sorry that I didn't act faster, and that that crap in his gut didn't show up on the Xray 2 weeks before his surgery. He lost over 33% of his weight before he died. He'd really started to recover and had finally been able to jump into bed with me the day before he died. My vet said it shouldn't have happened but we were unlucky.

I guess the lesson of my sad story is first trust your initial reaction and 2nd don't ever let a cat vomit for more than a day. If it's not clearly hairballs it needs checked.

As you can see by my name I'm one of those dog people that have no human children; therefore, I know all to well what you are feeling. My best friend called me last night hysterical because her pup was missing. She too is a dog only person and Lucy is like her child. At this hour she still hasn't found her so I'm asking for puppy prayers for Ceiba and Lucy! Get well Ceiba and come home LULU!

And also? Your post about microwavery? Totally saved my dinner tonight...a crustless quiche that wouldn't cook properly in the middle without burning on the top...stuck it in the microwave for 5 minutes and VOILA! DINNER! Ironic, eh?

I, too have a dog I'd like to throw out on the street every day for waking up the baby with her loud, loud flappy ears, barking at doorbells on TV, clicking her high-pitched nails on the floors...you get the idea. But, my God, if she were gone for real? I'm feeling for you...

Oh poor Ceiba! The thought of you and Jason furiously googling to find out what's wrong with your poor little PITA puppy is adorable though. My little puppy boy is gone for the week and I'm sadder now because I want to snuggle the crap out of him.

My silly dog gets death threats, too. (I threaten to turn him into a rug. So when he gets dirty, I can take him out and beat him! Ha!) But I would be lonely and miserable without him, even with all these kids and the husband around.

I'm so glad to hear things are going better with Ceiba! And I'm so glad you wrote a whole post about it since work blocks twitter but not individual blogs.
I'll keep a good thought and hope she'll be home soon!

Ohhh my, I hope Ceiba gets well quickly. I am always worrying about this kind of thing with our dogs but like you they drive me bat shit crazy what with the hair and the butt rubbing on the carpet (eww did I just type that? Also wanna come over to my house and let your kids crawl on my carpet?) and the barking AT NOTHING. But I too will be sad when they are gone hopefully one day a long time from now. After all they were my FIRST babies...

Loved your post today. We lost our dog in Jan, and the bit about the mail reminded me so much of him. Hoping for a full recovery for Ceiba so he can continue to be the best thorn in your side possible.

Poor Ceiba! Sending thoughts for a quick and not too expensive recovery. The things we do for our damn dogs. Two years ago we actually cancelled a trip to Vegas because our dog got sick and it cost us a fortune. We still haven't been to Vegas, but that dog is alive and kickin....

I have two min pins and they're just as batshit yappy and crazy as Ceiba. The older one was really sick earlier this year like Ceiba, so I'm thinking about her and hoping for a full recovery. Poor baby.
As for the crazy barking - we just started using these spray bark control collars: http://www.petco.com/product/109408/PetSafe-Deluxe-Little-Dog-Spray-Bark-Control.aspx?CoreCat=OnSiteSearch on both our dogs and it. stopped. them. barking. immediately. I can't tell you how wonderful these things are. Highly recommended! Lots of love to little Ceiba.

Glad she is ok! We lost our dog suddenly a week ago to heart failure and how I miss him hoovering up the goldfish and cheerios. And I used to yell at him when he barked when the mail came in the door too, and now it's too quiet. Give Ceiba a squeeze.

I lost my MinPin, Jinx, last year to a pack of stary dogs that felt he was too small to protect his own yard and they infiltrated and took my best friend in one fell swoop. It's heartbreaking, even now. I miss him terribly and have tried and can't replace him. He looked just like Ceiba, though his ears weren't cropped for they stood up on their own. How special he was. I hope Ceiba comes home safe and healthy. I hope hope hope. May your crumbs be vacuumed up by a healthy little red mitten once again.

Oh, poor puppy! And I feel like I've just been introduced to this whole secret society of underground dog owners. My parents are the kinds of dog owners who treat their dogs better than the people they know, so I thought I was a freak.

I have threatened our dog's life more times than I can count and told him more than once that if he doesn't knock it off (barking, chewing, standing on my feet) I will drive him somewhere and leave him there.

But when he hopped the fence last month and was gone for three days, I was a wreck. There was no one to clean up under the high chair, no one to play with the kids in the backyard, no one to bark at every person that even thinks of walking down our street. He came home safe, and though he's still obnoxious, he's much more appreciated now. I hope Ceiba is home safe soon too.

Our dog was eating the topper we put on the lawn when we reseeded...and I was horrified that maybe there was something bad in it even though it said "organic"....now I will definitely check for those two ingredients...

Good luck. She's got so many people pulling for her I'm sure she'll be home soon. It's a week for dogs to recover in DC. I understand the panic. When my Toby (cat the size of Ceiba) was hiding and acting sick, I freaked out about how I'd been an awful cat mom to not notice it earlier--then the vet told me that I'd caught the infected scratch super early and all would be fine. At least Ceiba won't need a cone of shame when she comes home!

When I was 9 months pregnant (last November), my cat mysteriously disappeared. She was missing for about 24 hours, and I started freaking. I pulled apart my whole basement (it is a huge basement and I was hugely pregnant) looking for her. She had crawled into one of the boxes to die. I brought her to the vet but it was too late. Her kidneys/liver had totally failed. And she was blind. I feel like I failed her, poor little kitty.

Anyways, point of my story: it was a common houseplant. We got rid of all the plants, and have learned our lesson. We're much more careful with what we bring in the house, especially considering that we have a 3 year old and an 8 month old.

HAHAHA this is great. NOT that your dog is sick, but I happen to threaten my cat that she will make a LOVELY set of slippers for my 2 year old daughter - I won't even mention what my husband wants to turn her into.
Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

So glad "the batty-eared jackass" is better! This happened to our dog, Lex. It was the week of Christmas, I was 8 months pregnant and came home to 13 piles of dog vomit. Loverly. She was in the emergency vet hospital for over a week. $3K and 17 staples later she was healed. No more liver failure. Just a baggie full of melted looking black plastic and thread. Bizarre.