Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4858

Change for a Dollar
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but needed change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors and asked him: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Private Duncan replied: "Sure."
The Corporal turned red, and said: "That's no way to address a superior office! Now let's try it again. "Private, do you have change for a dollar?'"
Private Duncan turned to him and replied: "No, SIR!"
Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4859

Farting at Tiffany’s
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little “whoops” and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with: “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little indiscretion, she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers: "Madam... if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.” Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4860

Blonde Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks,” he instructs her: “The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says: "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day," she says.
"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor asks.
"No, from skipping." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4861

Penny Scale
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight, and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small white card: "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded: "and it got your weight wrong, too." Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4862

Denouncing The Devil
A priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said: "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing, so the priest repeated his order. Still, the dying man said nothing. The priest asked: "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said: "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4863

Something Nice for Dad
Unable to attend his father's funeral, a son who lived far away called his brother who lived near his father and said: "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
The next month, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. But the next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, assuming it was some incidental expense. But when the third month yet another bill for $200.00 arrived, he finally called his brother to see what was going on.
"Well," said the brother: "You said 'do something nice for Dad,' So I did. I rented him a tuxedo!" Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4864

Handling Officers
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his 20 years of service: "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off," he said.
"Wow! You must have been something!" the admiring young soldiers remarked: "What was your job in the service?"
"I was an elevator operator at the Pentagon." Ryan Murphy