Try, hope, receive

I haven’t been getting the Internet on my darling little laptop, so although nearly every day for the last week, I’ve thought, “I should blog,” I have not. But I never liked the kinds of letters from friends that began with a paragraph of “I feel awful for not having written…” so I’ll dispense with any more apologies.

First, importantly, the student loan came through. Last Monday, I went through the day like a tingling robot. I was constantly aware of all of my skin, and especially my spine, and was so distracted at work that sometimes it was all I could do to click open and closed various spreadsheets and windows. I called in the afternoon, and they said it was pending. On the way home, I was just so plain exhausted. But my new engagement ring had arrived in the mail (turn of the last century, aquamarine and diamond, tiny old-fashioned filagreed flowers on either side) and the ring made me excited, and gave me a bit of heart. So even though it was nearly six o’clock in the evening, I called the student loan group back. A very warm and friendly woman said that it had, and had been approved, and would be disbursed to my school later. I thanked her and thanked her and thanked her. She laughed, and said “Bless you,” and that she was happy I could start school this week, and I blessed her back.

Monday night I couldn’t sleep– my body had been tensed for something all day long, and it was like the little tubes of adrenaline that had been flaring for weeks couldn’t exactly shut down yet. I’ve noticed that over the course of last week, I’ve still been waking up briefly each night, but it’s more like a brief startle, a “Oh! Am I– will I—” and then a realization, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” I wonder what kind of chemical memory my brain has, that it’s still working this way, releasing spurts of fear at the same time every night.

Another kind of physical-mental memory has been my ability to pray. I noticed that in the final week before I heard that I would get the loan and be able to finish this degree, I was asking for prayer in every community with which I’m connected. I would have thought that the worry would make me duck my head and be unable to reach out to others, but I found the opposite– because I was reaching out, asking for prayer, I was able to remain open somehow. And when the prayer requests of others found their way to me, it was easier to access my ability to pray, and to pray for others.

I think this has something to do with a posture of trust, or of mercy… a way of leaning with trust into the universe (or leaning in the direction of chi, or into the arms of God) instead of balling up and refusing human access. If I think of a portal– maybe it was like because I was open in asking, I could also be open to pray for others. I’m thinking somehow of my spine, or picturing my spine, but I can’t exactly describe how I think my personal body relates to prayer. Other words that go along with that inexplicable concept: vulnerable, open, portal, breath, try, hope, receive, receptive, flow.

Finally, Matt found this video earlier this week. It is so joyful, and so beautiful, and so hopeful. It’s a video montage of families, but it’s so much more than that. If we were having our wedding right now, this would definitely play at the reception, and the petition would be our guestbook. Watch it here, and prepare to feel good and hopeful about humanity.

Okay, the tears are flowing down my cheeks. When it is personal, I think you feel it so much stronger. For all those men and women who have lived together over the years and couldn’t stand up and say, “I love this person. We are committed to each other.” The idea that somewhere marriage was possible has given such hope, even if marriage was not legally possible where they were. To remove that hope because of a narrow antiquated idea of what a family should be is just sadness beyond comparison. One of the things I loved most about the video was the variety of the couples. I can’t imagine being together with my partner for years and not being able to make my commitment public, legal, whatever. The joy of finally being able to do that is just overwhelming. So many people who don’t understand think that same sex partners are some sort of “other” when you see that they are your neighbors, relatives of your friends, people you see in your life, why doesn’t that make a difference. But then why should I be surprised there are still people who make snap decisions because of how someone looks or what their last name is or what church they go to. We should never prejudge anyone, we should always give the other person a chance no matter who they are or how they differ from us. The world could be a better place right now if the people in it could just be better people. Sigh.

I know! I LOVED the variety of the couples– it was so inspiring as someone young and in love, and embarking on my own marriage, to see so many long-lasting loves— people who clearly adored each other. It was so holy, in a way, to see all of those faces and all of that _love_.