Another long weekend – yay. But also boo. Because with the big wedding out of the way (my auntie Doreen's, it's her third), you might be struggling to think of things to do. But worry no longer! May Day is a treasure trove of, how shall we put it, eccentric British days out. Basically Christmas for grown men who like lobbing around with bells on their toes, your May Day weekend starts here …

Jack-In-The-Green FestivalHastings, Sat to Mon

Traditional May Days have tended to go one of two ways; fire or fauna. For fire go to Edinburgh. But in Hastings it's all about the shrubbery. Essentially a garland competition that got out of hand, where folk used to sport tasteful daisy chains, some poor soul now has to spend the bank holiday drowning in leaves, roaming the streets like a panto triffid. Thankfully, some nice morris men are on hand to make him feel less of a prick.

Cerne Abbas May Day Dorset, Sun

For fans of impressively chalked tips, there's two options this week – but if you can't be doing with the snooker in Sheffield, join the Wessex Morris Men at dawn on this hillside near Dorchester, home to the Cerne Abbas Giant and his 40ft alabaster cock and balls. There'll be singing, there'll be dancing, there'll be dew. Also present will be the Dorset Ooser, a masked morris man that's basically a startled, oversize Justin Lee Collins with horns.

Dorset Knob-Throwing Contest Cattistock, Sun

More knob-based fun in Dorset, albeit of the non-phallic variety. A "hard, dry, savoury biscuit", the Dorset Knob is ideal for throwing about. Current record: 26.1m. Not only will the Knob appear in the main event, it will also star in a Knob & Spoon race, Knob Darts and a Hunt The Knob competition. Thomas Hardy was apparently partial, although it's unclear if he was ever a proud owner of a commemorative "I've thrown a Dorset Knob" carrier bag.

Stilton cheese rollingCambridgeshire, Mon

Note: not the event at the sharply-inclined Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire, scene of many broken limbs and jolted tail-bones.That's now cancelled, due to danger, so head to Cambridgeshire, where teams coax a large wheel of cheese along a disappointingly flat high street. Risk of paralysis: minimal. Meh.

Rochester Sweeps festival Kent, Sat to Mon

Three days long this, but the main event is a flashmob of gleeful Dick Van Dyke wannabes, evoking a time where men were men and children could reasonably be asked to scrape toxic dust off brickwork that nobody ever sees. Eliza Carthy features, so we'll tread carefully for fear of having to give her two pages of a future issue where she tells us off for making light of dying artforms.

Padstow 'Obby 'OssCornwall, Mon

Apparently a stallion, but really an oversize biscuit tin with the face of a vampire cat – the 'Obby 'Oss plucks women from the crowd, drags them 'neath his cloak and daubs them with coal, all in the name of aiding fertility. Yep, that old chestnut. Evidence from last year showed the 'Oss to be sporting a smart pair of white old-school Nikes.