5/14/2014

Your State Sucks: Nebraska Sucks Because It's Gonna Make the Senate Even Crazier

Everything you need to know about Republican nominee for the Senate from Nebraska, Ben Sasse, you can get from a glance at his "Issues" page on his campaign website. There, the Palin and Cruz-approved evangelical college president gives you a list of stuff he's gonna do something about, and, truly, it is a teabagger's wet dream:

Based on the Rude Pundit's awesome ability to count, there's 11 issues. We got your Obamacare, of course, up top, and your guns, your abortion, your gay marriage. And then, way down at number 9, Sasse gets around to "Jobs and the Economy." What's his program there to help Americans? Less regulation and approval of the Keystone XL pipeline. But you can keep your guns. Then he gets to Agriculture and Immigration, two issues that might matter a bit more to a farm state than 10th and 11th.

And what's the only thing Sasse has a comprehensive plan about? Farm policy? Oh, no. Getting rid of the Affordable Care Act and replacing it with something...else that's not Obamacare. Yeah, all those early 20somethings would get kicked off their parents' plans and pre-existing conditions would be a bar to affordable coverage once again, but, hey, it's not Obamacare, and that's what matters in this filthy Kenyan socialist world. And you'd get a tax deduction, too. So there's that. Plus, guns, right?

Sasse is fairly obsessed with Obamacare. It is like Obamacare is a Muslim prison guard at a FEMA camp just raping the ass of every good Christian. Constitutional worries? Caused by Obamacare problems. Abortion bug you? You know the deal: "Under ObamaCare, this President has forced people who respect life to pay for the deaths of innocent children." Seriously, this motherfucker has ACA OCD. During this campaign, he put out an ad featuring his creepy-ass kids talking about it. On his website, he mentions "Obamacare" when it comes to Agriculture, Immigration, National Security, and Religious Liberty.

It's that last one there, Religious Liberty, where Sasse goes over the rainbow, man. First, he kicks out the jams on abortion and, yes, that other thing: "Thanks to ObamaCare, this President has placed the liberal abortion agenda over the religious obligations of millions of Americans. Those who believe in the sanctity of life are now required to finance the death of unborn children." Which is pretty much just plagiarizing what he said in the abortion section.

But then...well...just read it: "Ben Sasse believes that our right to the free exercise of religion is co-equal to our right to life. This is not a negotiable issue. Government cannot force citizens to violate their religious beliefs under any circumstances. He will fight for the right of all Americans to act in accordance with their conscience." That's some fucked-up shit right there. Government can't make citizens "violate their religious beliefs"? "Under any circumstances"? Huh.

Dude, the Rude Pundit is starting the Holy Church of Wanton Cock and Pussy where our sacraments include ingesting liquor and Molly and smoking shit-tons of pot while fucking freely on the altar. Don't violate our First Amendment rights, assholes.

To go another way, if Democratic nominee (and there is one) David Domina wanted to really fuck with Sasse, he should put out an ad saying that Sasse supports Shariah law because, well, Sasse kind of said he does. Muslims get to have their religious beliefs held sacrosanct against the government, too.

It doesn't matter though. In a race to replace a Republican senator, the Democratic Party has decided to throw the towel in here and not give Domina much support in order to concentrate on defending other seats. So congratulations, Nebraska. Unless he's caught blowing a bull, Ben Sasse will be your new senator. Aren't you proud to know that he's approved by FreedomWorks, the Club for Growth, Tea Party Patriots...