Psychotherapy and Prayer

Breaking free from our own harsh judgments.

While the concepts of psychotherapy and prayer may seem to be very different, it appears to me that the two are really quite related. In recent years in my psychotherapy practice I began to notice a number of similarities between the issues brought up by my patients and the themes expressed in the central prayer of the Jewish service, the Shmoneh Esrei (the Silent Amidah).

The Shmoneh Esrei, literally 18 (referring to the original number of blessings contained in the prayer) was written by the Sages approximately 2500 years ago. In it we address God with our most personal needs. It stands to reason that there should be a connection between this and the very personal communication that goes on in psychotherapy. While the Shmoneh Esrei is structured as a communication between the individual and God, a closer examination of this prayer indicates that it has tremendous relevance for our relationship with our fellow human being as well as our most private communications within our own heart.

The Shmoneh Esrei is structured around three main ideas. The first expresses looking upward to God in a way that we recognize the Almighty’s awesome might in giving to us, controlling the world and creating a fabulously intricate, working universe. The second idea speaks to our request for the range of our human needs, both spiritual and material. The third relates to gratitude.

I praise You, I need You, I thank You.

Let us look at one example of how this connection between the Shmoneh Esrei and the issues of psychotherapy works. In the second section of personal requests is the blessing labeled "Restoration of Justice," or in Hebrew Shoftanu (Our Judges). The blessing reads:

Restore our judges as in earlier times and our counselors as at first, remove from us sorrow and groaning, and reign over us, You, God, alone with kindness and compassion, and justify us in judgment. Blessed are You, God, King, Who loves righteousness and justice.

In this blessing we request the return of our wise judges and counselors and the removal of sorrow and groaning. God will then compassionately reign. Our judges will help resolve matters among the people and our counselors, the Prophets, will help to solidify our relationship with God.

We may ask, “What is the connection between judgment and the removal of sorrow?” One understanding is that without proper guidance we are destined to make decisions that we will regret. We can also feel deep sorrow that we don’t merit more effective guidance in our generation. So the saying goes, “You get the leaders you deserve.”

However on a more personal level we can also see that misguided judgment indeed can be a major source of sorrow. We can become trapped in our false, rigid judgments about ourselves and the world. This can cause us incredible grief. Conversely, clarity of judgment allows us to be aware of many options in meeting our personal challenges. As the blessing indicates, judgment is clearest when informed by a generous spirit of kindness and compassion.

Practical Application

I had a patient, let's call him Joel, a recently married young man who was urged to consult with me by his wife. He revealed in the first session that while he had criticized his wife about her suggestion that he come in, “deep down” he knew she was right. We later discovered that his hesitation to come in on his own stemmed from his sense that he was really “too far gone” to get any help.

This initial presentation encapsulated the primary features of the problem and his treatment. He was overly critical of himself and others, yet “deep down” there was a more generous spirit that we would try to access. His harsh judgment indeed caused him much sorrow. Joel continually focused on the faults of everyone. This harshness flowed from his rigid standards for behavior, thinking and feeling. He consequently felt a continual sense of disappointment about his life.

Joel secretly yearned to be more carefree, yet was truly afraid of it.

In our work together, we came to identify certain unrecognized assumptions that guided much of Joel’s outlook. He held the belief that without these very rigid standards his own “wild side” would break out and create “havoc in the world.” He had to maintain rigid self-control. Others also “needed” to know when they were getting too wild. He saw this as a difficult yet ennobling task. There was certain sense of pride in being the “watchman of destructive forces in the world.” He often spoke of “increasing the forces of goodness in a dark world.” It took awhile for him to see that in reality he felt more burdened than ennobled by this task. Instead of creating more goodness, he was creating resentment and irritation.

In a “moment of weakness” (i.e. strength) Joel revealed that he secretly yearned to be more carefree, yet was truly afraid of it. He acknowledged his own resentment of his self-imposed mission. He began to talk about his sense of misery that flowed from his rigidity. After vacillating for a long time, he started to test out the effects of judging himself and others more kindly.

Making it Real

The ability to make judgments is one of the essential qualities of being human. Besides knowing the difference between a delicious apple and one that is rotten, we use this faculty to come to conclusions in terms of our interactions with others. Let’s say I plan to meet my friend for coffee at 10 o'clock in the morning. At 10:10 he is not there and I’m getting impatient. By 10:20 I'm starting to get a bit irritated. I give him a call, no answer. By 10:30 I’m mad. I begin to question our friendship and by 10:40 I question his worth as a human being. Then I start to get down on myself, wondering if I've really been a good friend. Finally I come to a judgment that zaps us both: “He never really cared about me and he's a pretty irresponsible guy anyways."

Infusing my judgment with a little compassion would have made my morning a lot more pleasant.

An hour later I find out that he was in a fender bender on the way to meet me. Oops! My initial judgment was hardly tempered with compassion. I saw my friend as someone who didn't care and I began to see myself as someone who didn't deserve it. Had I taken a little extra time to infuse my judgment with a little compassion, for both of us, my morning would have been a lot more pleasant.

The blessing of Restoration of Justice in the Shmoneh Esrei is just one example of how this powerful prayer can lead us to a richer examination of ourselves. We can introspect about the nature of our judgments of others and ourselves. Are we judging with compassion? Can we give the benefit of the doubt or do we use our judgments to put ourselves and others into boxes that end up causing us needless grief?

This is one example of using the Shmoneh Esrei for personal growth. Those interested in a fuller discussion of this may download my eBook Psychotherapy and Prayer, Insights into Personal Growth through the Shmoneh Esrei, at www.drjlast.com

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About the Author

Jeffrey Last, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has been in practice in the Detroit Area since 1979, where he treats children, adolescents and adults. He earned a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Special Education at the University of Michigan, and received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the George Washington University. He has published professional papers in the Journal of Personality Assessment and the American Journal of Psychotherapy, for which he also serves as reviewer.
Dr. Last’s many activities have included teaching at Ma’alot College in Detroit, giving numerous presentations to professional and lay groups locally as well as in Israel, and serving as a consultant to local schools. Dr. Last lives in Southfield, MI with his wife and children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(10)
virginia,
February 10, 2010 7:16 PM

trust there's a reason--

great articles, this & next in series--wonderful lessons! 2 things--when i'm willing to let go of expectations & trust in a "positive outcome" i do better. second--when the unexpected happens, trusting there's a reason & good can/will come from it helps me a lot, & in the years i've been "living" it, given me greater peace & sense of connection w/Ha'Shem. thank you--

(9)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2010 9:26 PM

Wow I am truly inspired by the new take on this Bracha. I am always looking for ways to better Shmoneh Esrei, and I really connect to this concept because I myself am working towards not looking at myself and others with a critical lens rather with a positive lens and what better way to achieve it just by praying to Hashem for it in the Shmoneh Esrei!

(8)
Sharona,
November 12, 2009 9:21 AM

Psychotherapy and Prayer are a beautiful combination

I have begun to discover the healing quality found within the words of the prayers that I have been saying my whole life. Coming to the realization that not only is G-d capable of doing ANYTHING, but that He WANTS to help me, because of His overwhelming love for us. I am constantly on the lookout for more insights into the prayers. Thank you for your article.

(7)
,
November 9, 2009 8:41 PM

I really like this

This approach is fascinating. I'd like to hear about the other brochos. It opens a new perspective for me. Thanks

(6)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2009 7:04 AM

question about being judgemental

In the case you presented, you judged your friend's lateness uncharitably. But what if your friend was actually doing wrong. Let's say you and your friend are both Jews and Jews should not get tatoos. You find out your friend just got a tatoo. How can you not be judgmental? Now this is your friend whom you otherwise like, and the tatoo is already done - it can't be taken back. My problem is in this situation, I would continue to feel betrayed by my friend, even though his action wasn't meant to hurt me in any way. How can giving people the benefit of the doubt help me to be more charitably minded in this situation?

(5)
Chava,
November 8, 2009 8:54 PM

Im similar

I'm very harsh on myself and others- i started therapy recently and Im working on it. Therapy and prayer and both great ideas. Realizing that not making mistakes in impossible because we are imperfect because G-d created us this way is a big step. No amount of control will keep us fro messing up and that's part of what Hashem intended for us.

(4)
Anonymous,
November 8, 2009 6:53 PM

CLEARLY SHOWS HOW ONE NEEDS HELP IN RECOGNIZING THE CAUSE AND ROAD BACK FROM DEEP ,SEEMINGLY UNSOLVABLE PROBLEMS.

IF THIS WERE MADE AVAILABLE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC, I FEEL THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE TRAPEED IN THEIR MISERY, WHO WOULD BENEFIT.

(3)
Anonymous,
November 8, 2009 5:30 PM

Very Interesting

I found this article to be very interesting and would love if you could elaborate on the other 17 prayers of the Shmoneh Esrei in future articles.

As a psychotherapist, who has worked over the years with deeply troubled people, people with severe mental illness, and with people who have had terrible things happen to them, in their growing up years and beyond, I have learned through their stories, how story itself informs our lives, and that we can be agents of transformation.
We have been gifted by God, the ability to heal, and we who are surgeons of all kinds, the healers of this world, well that's the JOB of tikkun olam.
The present is a gift, use it well. Use it for praise and recognize where those rays, in praise itself, emanate.
God wrote us all into a divine story, and it's not over when it's over. This I know, because I am gifted the keys to the deconstruction of language, and I see deep metaphoric truths and mirrors that do involve all of us, in our lives.
it's a profound learning curve and an opportunity, as tune is within opportunity, to appreciate the music, the song running contrapuntal to all of our lives, that is LOVE itself.
As prays it to praise. Listen to the word.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!