His Take: “He Stopped Sexting Me”

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His Take questions are answered by our panel of smart, opinionated, and funny dudes.

I have been sexting this guy I know for three weeks. He lives in another country but his hometown is where I currently live. He comes back to the states in less than a month and we have planned to meet up and hook up when he comes back. For two weeks, he texted me all day every day, but now he barely texts me, which is fine. He started slowing down when I wouldn’t send him a dirty pic of myself (or I think that’s the reason). I just don’t feel comfortable doing something like that since I am in the media business and don’t want that picture to ever appear publicly. But the other day we were talking and suddenly he takes very long time texting back so I ask him what he was doing and this is how the convo went:Him: Lying down and watching TV. You?Me: The same but next to my dogHim: I don’t think it’s appropriate if I persuade you with your dog around, lolMe: Haha no. I didn’t know what happened to you so I just let her inHim: lol it’s okMe: Well, if you’re still up for it I could just let her out?Him: Let’s leave it for tomorrow. I am falling asleepMe: kHim: Goodnight, hunMe:GoodnightI honestly felt dissed or maybe I am overreacting. Anyway, I haven’t heard from him for three days now. I don’t know if I should text him or just leave it alone? Did he lose interest? I really am attracted to this guy and would love to hook up with him when he comes back. What do I do? — Sexting Girl

ANDREW: You’re really attracted to this guy and would love to hook up with him when he gets back? What should you do? He’s a guy. And he’s been sexting you. Tell him you want to hook up with him and he will say yes. It’s that simple. As to what he is doing during those long breaks in between texts? I don’t know but I’m sure it’s probably something disgusting.

Now, lets get down to the real issue. You say you were uncomfortable sending him a dirty picture because you are in “the media business and don’t want it to appear publicly.” When I first read that I assumed you were a correspondent on a small market local news cast. Then I re-read the letter and I realized who you are. You are Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett… you have to stop sexting everyone all the time. No good will come from this. Also, my cell number is 713 574-5287.

DENNIS: First off, your letter would sound a lot more reasonable if you strike out “I am in the media business” from your sixth sentence, because…. Seriously? That’s why you don’t feel comfortable texting him a dirty pic of yourself? Well, whatever. Regardless of how you came to that conclusion, at least you didn’t do something idiotic. As for the drop-off in texts from him…. First, I’m gonna raise both arms over my head and form them into two semi-circles that sort of resemble the letter M. Next, I’m gonna take my same arms and make a big circle in the shape of an O. After that, I’m gonna form a triangular shape and yell out “A!” Then I’m gonna snap both my fingers and point them straight at you. Got it?

ART: He already knows you’ll hook up with him and he now knows you won’t send him dirty pictures of yourself. Where is his motivation to keep texting you? Wake up. Text him once he gets to town and be prepared to get biz-zay. (But only for the time he’s in town. After that it will be silence again BECAUSE THAT’S HOW HOOKUPS WORK.)

JAREK: Granted, sextology is only a hobby of mine, but conventional wisdom would lead us to believe that sexting between two relatively unfamiliar people of opposing genders only works if both parties have little to no inhibitions. This is because guys and girls often process arousal differently. There’s a reason the erotica industry does not heavily target the male demographic, and last I checked there are far more scantily clad women on magazine covers than there are men. We’ve broached this topic on here many times already – men are simply visual creatures. It’s why we’ll spend $150 on a navigation system instead of printing the directions from MapQuest for free. One you look at, the other you read. Women, privileged to this information about men, are therefore reluctant to share personal pictures of themselves out of fear that men will likely share said images with other men. Women will share pictures of their man with other women, of course. But that is usually in the case of infidelity, and the women they share with usually belong to the media.

Fortunately, your situation is rather simple. He’s bored with reading and writing and wants something you’re not prepared to offer. Trying to get him to continue sexting with you is rather futile, so I’d just let it go. If he wants to hook up with you when he gets back to the states – and who are we kidding, he will – he knows how to get in touch with you. Until then, pretend you’re playing hard to get and just stop texting. He may get bored with the lack of attention and reach out again. This may or may not come in the form of a picture of his penis. This would be a good time to remind him you work in the media industry. Oh, and P.S., stop trying to analyze your texting conversations.

* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at [email protected] with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

Art and Jarek nailed it. He’s not going to keep sexting someone with no visuals. Guys just don’t do that. The words are nice for a while, but then it should progress. He’s bored with the talking. Text him when he gets back home, and the hookup I’m sure will ensue.

Until then, leave it alone. Maybe text once in a while to remind him you’re still willing (if that’s how you wanna play it), but for the most part, just leave it alone. Or hay, maybe send him a naked picture minus your head. Then nobody will know it’s you if it ever leaks “to the public.”

Totally agree with the man panel, here! If you want to hook up with him, then tell him just that when he gets back to your hometown. I’m pretty sure you’ll be hooking up within an hour or two of hitting “send.”

But, I do have to wonder at your over-analyzation of this situation. I mean, you wrote in to DW about it, which tells me that you’ve been thinking about it a lot, which in turn makes me wonder if you’re at all emotionally vested in this dude (either without realizing it, or purposefully denying it).

If a casual, no-strings-attached hookup or FWB situation is what you want, then go for it. But if your attraction goes deeper than just physical, press pause for a second. I’ve never seen emotional attachment + FWB-situation work out very well, so tread carefully if you find that’s where you’re at.

Hey, this is our “man panel” so let’s call it our “manel”! There, that’s my wise contribution to Dear Wendy for the day. I have to pace myself – I don’t want to over-contribute or else other commenters will be intimidated from commenting.

Maybe that’s not as fun as “manny” or “murse.” Man, I wish I had a manny. I also wish my man neighbor hadn’t moved to Ohio. Something about this letter makes me miss him.

I’ve sent quite a few in my day too. If you send it with no head, you can deny deny deny. I’m sure my penis is stored on a phone somewhere.

As a male, texting gets very boring for me. I’ll text my close friends and we will have conversations, because we are close friends. But if I’m texing a girl, and she’s not a close friend, we need to meet up fairly soon, within a week, otherwise I get bored. I’ve done my share of sexting and even that gets boring if you don’t see someone.

LW, he’s clearly tired of texting witty and sexy responses to you. He wants to kick it up a notch and get naughty with you. Quite honestly, I don’t see that big of an issue with it. To me boobs, butts, girly parts and manly parts are just that. If you don’t send your headshot with it, then play on.

Try taking naughty pics of yourself in the mirror and see if you get more comfortable with it. Now, if he starts asking you to do dirty things than I would be alarmed, but the occasional boob or butt is harmless to me, and it keeps that spice going until you can meet up and do the deed.

I once took a pic of myself (OK several) on my OWN phone, which I then showed to my boyfriend. Some were just boobs, some were boobs + my face. I figured since it was on MY phone, it wouldn’t matter. Well, wouldn’t you know it – he STILL showed his damn friends. And I was supposed to take it as a compliment because it meant he was “bragging” about me and I should be proud. Um, no. I still felt violated. (We’re not together anymore, needless to say).

I try to get my current boo to sext me sometimes. The most I got was the bulge of his boner under his sweatpants. (And it did kinda make me horny, so I guess it worked).

I agree with the guys who said this dude will sleep with you when he’s in the states. He would be silly not to. But here’s the thing, LW, you say you want a hookup, but your actions say you want more. You’re freaking out at him not texting you back. Your worried he won’t hook up with you. You’re analyzing every text. This screams that you want to be involved with this guy. I know, because I’ve been there. Tried to play it cool but secretly wanting a relationship. It doesn’t work. Not ever. And that is why I would follow Dennis’s advice and MOA. Because I really think this guy probably only wants sex. Not a relationship.

Now, I could be totally wrong and projecting and you could only want sex from this guy. If that’s the case, then stop stressing, it will happen and have fun. Oh, and he needs to use a condom.

Ladies – nudie pics are not sacred to the relationship once it is over….there is a good chance your (ex)bf will show off your nudie pics if you ever break up. I’m not one to ask for them – but they get shown…so if you aren’t prepared for that don’t send them or make sure his dick is in the picture too…

Also, any girl not in a relationship that sends her nudie pics to a guy she is hooking up with where there is no relationship potential can rest assured the rest of that guys friends have probably seen you nekkid too…worst case scenario (and this doesn’t happen often) they distribute it out…best case scenario they keep it on their phone and “show it off”…so good job LW.

These are the reasons I will never send nor ask for sexting…unless I’m married I guess…because then the risk is much lower…but unless you don’t really care who sees your private parts I really don’t get why people “sext.”

And no guy would ever admit to showing off your photos so don’t bother asking about it or claiming “he would never do that” unless it ended on good terms and you are still friends.

I sort of touched on this below, but yeah, I’m going to be really honest here & say that I’ve sent pictures to people (my boyfriend, and long-term FWB) and I know that every once and a while they’ll scroll through the pictures on their phone & show their friends. I also have dick pics of them that I show to my friends. So…not everyone who sexts is being dumb– they might just actually not give a fuck.

Not picking on what you’re saying or anything, but just putting this message out there for anyone who wants to be like “HOW CAN YOU BE SOOO STUPID”

haha – no I agree. That’s why I added “unless you don’t care” because its the people that do care that are kind of stupid to do it…if you don’t care then, what the fuck, it’s all good fun…I am one to care though so I think I need a more “long term proof” commitment to put my dick and face out in cyberspace.

Personally, and I don’t mean this as an affront to you, I have NEVER asked for a below-the-belt shot from a dude. I’ve sent plenty of pics to past boyfriends and what not, but I think they cared (somewhat obviously) wayyy more about having them then I cared about having theirs. Maybe I’m immature, but penis pics just make me giggle…I don’t find them sexy at all haha. Now, a well-sculpted chest? I can dig that.

I totally agree! Cracks me up that guys think a girl is going to get all hot and bothered by a dick pic. As the guys stated above….our brains don’t quite work that way. I’ve received a few in my day, and it always elicts an “okaaaaaaaaaay” reaction. But a text telling me what you’re going to do? Oh yes, please!

That’s where sexting can get fun. You can explore each other’s imagination. The one’s that don’t have much of an imagination are usually the same way in bed, blah.

I’m no sexpert, but some women and men are so shy sexually. I’m not going to ask a woman to stand on her head and eat an apple during sex, but some just want to only lay on there back. Just like some guys only want to be on top. If you can’t explore your sexual side and feel sexy about yourself, then I have a total loss of words.

Yeah okay, agreed. Though I do have some penis pictures, my boyfriend has way more of me than I have of him (with our without my face in the shot haha).

And I’ll say here what I was going to say to Fabelle anyway… I would never share his penis pictures with my friends. For some reason that feels just creepy. A woman’s body is always nice to look at, while I feel I have to “know” a penis before looking at it. But maybe it’s just me. Also, I don’t think my boyfriend is sharing my nudies with his friends since he would never want them to see me naked, lest they decide to try to steal me away from him.

It’s just not fair to assume a naked picture will automatically be shared, that’s all.

Sure, you can’t assume that a naked picture will automatically be shared. But then again, you’re placing a whole lotta trust in someone who may, at some point, not harbor the warmest of feelings for you.

If you’re that absolutely secure that your relationship will never get to that point, go for it.

If not, then you’re an idiot for sending naked photos.Even if you believe the other person to be absolutely trustworthy, once those pics are out, you can never take them back. Remember, we’re in the digital age now, where infinite copies are a mere click away.

That’s what I don’t get about the whole discussion! Of course everyone thinks their *now boyfriend* would never share them. But you are banking on a lot of variables here. You might break up. When you break up it might not be amicable. He might be really pissed at you. He might upload them to exgirlfriendsexts.com. He might show them to every single one of his friends. You are just hoping for all these future things to work out exactly according to plan. Which is fine, but it’s that kind of thinking that gets so many people burned in this scenario. I think people tend to have the attitude like ‘oh that only happens to other girls, my boyfriend loves me sooo much even if we did break up he would never do that’.

But like someone else mentioned I guess if you don’t care if they ever get out then you have nothing to worry about. If you do care, then you shouldn’t ever send them out to anyone, even spouses. Even married people break up in less than amicable ways.

Right, but if someone is very much aware of that possibility, then how does that make them an idiot? Using myself an an example, again…I know the people who have pictures of me wouldn’t post them to the internet. That’s just not something they’d do. BUT if those pictures DID somehow end up on everyone’s news homepage, my reaction would probably just be like “Welp…thatttttttttt sucks.”

If you’re a person who knows they’d have a different reaction to a circumstance like that (like, mortified sobbing) or if you know you’re looking for a career where publicized nude pics would haunt you, then yes: you’re kind of dumb for risking it. But otherwise, not really.

Okay so now I have to ask this – why would you not care? I’m totally not being judgmental here, but I’m kind of surprised that so many people on this thread have that attitude, like welp – I guess a bunch of people I don’t know will see me naked. Do people no longer have those horrifying dreams of walking into their high school naked anymore? Is that no longer traumatizing for people?

This thread is making me feel really old. There is no way in hell I would be okay with people I am not currently boning seeing me naked.

Haha! Yeah, I don’t know, I’ll try to explain because I know my attitude is not the norm? but I’m just totally fine with it. I’m pretty comfortable being naked & most of my friends have seen me naked anyway while changing & stuff. And if a guy I sent pics to shows them to his friends, he’ll usually report back like “Everyone is jealous of me!” or “______ really liked that one pic you sent me!”

This is sounding pretty weird, probably, so I can conclude it by saying… no, I don’t have that nightmare of being naked in public. I’m kind of just cool with it?

Also, as a general comment, IF any of my pictures wind up on the internet….I’m not a celebrity, so it’ll probably get buried in some amateur porn site & I’ll never know about it. Not to be flippant, but that sort of thing just doesn’t worry me. Although I do, of course, understand why people would be skeeved out.

It’s not idiotic to share naked pictures if you truly don’t care that they get out.

It is, however, idiotic to say that you “know” someone would never share them, or that they won’t get out some other way. You just don’t. There is absolutely no way to make that kind of guarantee when you allow digital photos of yourself to be taken. So if you’re gonna do it, you’d better be able to accept if they end up on the internet.

Oh, I wasn’t saying that everyone should assume a naked picture will be shared. Just that among myself and close friends, those pics will be looked at by all. I completely understand feeling like “that is MY man/woman’s body, you do NOT get to look at it” but I don’t share those feelings.

Also, the dudes whose penis pictures I’ve showed off are aware that I am doing so, if that makes it less creepy! And for those upthread who are saying they don’t usually ask for dick pics, I agree. A good picture might make me say “Damn, nice” but it isn’t something I can um, get turned on by.

haha – depends…I had a couple videos with an ex (those are safer…guys don’t actually want to see their friends banging…) but I deleted them because it was a rough break up…if he was torn up about it he may have deleted them.

Isn’t there a website that’s like exgirlfriendsexts.com or something? Where guys upload their ex girlfriends pics to the website out of spite? Actually I know it exists but I don’t remember what the URL is. After I discovered that I was like hell naw. That is neeeeeever gonna happen. And the people that are all like, awww he would never do that to me, are fooling themselves. Guys do this out of spite just as much as girls.

Further question- what do guys do when they start dating someone new, then? Because I would be PISSED if I found out my bf still had naked pics of his ex around. Porn is one thing, but real people you used to have an emotional connection with is another. Or would guys consider this just a duly-earned part of their spank bank?

This was sort of hard to follow (I got kind of lost at the part where he said it was ‘inappropriate’ that she was lying down with her dog? Inappropriate to what, sext?) But anywyay, yeah, he stopped sexting you because you’re not sexting back. Pictures are necessary or else it all just goes nowhere.

Also, yes, it can sometimes be “idiotic” to send dudes dirty pictures, but not inherently so. If someone is an adult & has no objections to sending out naked picture texts of herself, then who cares? It is possible to do this without having the pictures wind up plastered all over the internet.

This is way too much analyzation even for me, the queen of analyzation. Just send him a text saying that you’re looking forward to hooking up with/seeing/hanging out with (whatever you crazy kids call it these days) him when he gets back, and leave it at that. You’ve offered him sex; he’s likely going to contact you. And if he doesn’t, oh well! Please don’t get all bent out of shape over the fact that a man who owes you nothing (and vice versa) is being flakey. You two have nothing between you other than a few weeks of texting. I’m not trying to sound harsh, but it drives me nuts when people get so caught up in someone when there’s actually not much there/going on in the first place.

BUT if you STILL find yourself upset/obsessed/irritated/what-have-you about his sudden silence, please please PLEASE take it as a sign that casual hookups might not be for you and don’t do it! Save yourself some pain.

If you can look at this calmly and realize it’s not a big deal and stop thinking about him until he’s back, go bang-bang-bangity-bang and then go back to your life without him as usual, then by all means, enjoy 🙂

People still do this? I’m so confused. I thought it was only 15 year olds getting caught in high school (news story last night). BUT REALLY?? I am married and that is never gonna happen. I don’t know why but I have this huge fear of becoming like state’s attorney and during my campaign a huge scandal leaks and it involves my v-jay-jay all over the news. Okay, maybe I watch too much good wife, but still.

So sorry for that non advice, but I don’t have any and I wanted to contribute in some way.

Oh, The Good Wife. I am in love with that show. But if they don’t start showing some sex between Alicia and Will or hell, Alicia and Peter, I’m going to… I’m going to…. just keep re-watching last season’s finale that I’ve saved on my DVR – you know, where they go at it in the elevator with that beautiful song playing. Man I am going crazy thinking about that. I need to get laid.

Alicia/Will sex is the best sex! Ah I need them to get back together. I think they will at some point, even if it’s just for a quickie. But no worries, Kalinda has sex with everyone so she’s got to have a nice juicy sex scene coming up. I admire her and am afraid of her all at once. It’s strange.

Oh god, that text conversation reminded me of a segment on the Hairpin:

Seriously, though, sexting gets old. Maybe pick up the phone and try to actually have phone sex if you want to change it up? And don’t analyze your text messages from him (especially if he is just a hook up!). The next time you start analyzing a text conversation, remember that he is not doing the same.

I guess I’m a prude because to me there is no reason to send a nude picture of yourself to anyone. To the LW, don’t send one if you’re not comfortable doing it. Also, you have much more vested in this “relationship” than he does so please consider that. Why should you work so hard on something that he doesn’t give a second thought to? You’re setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

While there are some women who are capable of FWB situations, on the whole I don’t think women are cut out for them the way that men are. We’ll start one and then develop feelings hoping they’ll be returned and stick around far too long seeing if they do. In my experience if a guy says he’s not looking for something serious then he means it.

Time after time I see (and have experienced for myself) that women feel like they need to be some tempting sex goddess in order to catch or keep a man. We base the relationship on sex and hope that it will lead to more. It may but most likely it won’t.

If this guy wants to contact you he will, I don’t suggest contacting him again.

You really don’t have to try so hard to hook up with a guy. If that’s all you want then I can assure you that you will get it – regardless if he keeps up the texting or not. And please know that given the fact that he’s not very interested to keep up texting (ie: letting YOU imagine things) the hookup will likely be whatever makes HIM feel good. If all you want is some dude to bang you then he’s your guy.

If you want more from this guy – don’t hook up with him when he comes to town. Irregardless of what you are looking for: next time he says “I don’t want to try and persuade you etc etc” just reply “ok! have a goodnight!” Don’t put more effort into a casual hoolup than he is willing to put in.

I think the only problem here is that you expect you guys to text back and forth all day long. That’s not what people hooking up do, that’s what people who are in love (and maybe not really good at having a life of their own) do!

Do you want this guy to be a one-time hookup or FWB? Then maybe 3 texts a week each will do. Even less! But if you are texting, he doesn’t reply for a while and then you TEXT AGAIN to see why he’s taking so long, he must probably think you want to have his babies by now.

Are you sure you know how NSA sex works? Are you sure that’s what you want? Because it doesn’t look like it.

Good advice all around, although I wasn’t at all sure where Dennis was trying to go with his take on the whole picture thing. Was it that he thought that she was being slutty if that was her only reason for not wanting to send such a pic? I thought she was being sensible… Then again, maybe she is being an idiot. Naked pictures = success in the industry. The only reason any of us even know who Dim Kartrashian is — is because she starred in a sex tape. Even there she proved woefully untalented and laughably unskilled, but talent is not nearly so important as it once was…

I was in a semi-flirtations “thing” with a co-worker. Let’s call him “Scott” (not his real name, but he reminds me of Scott Weiland). Things were always fairly low-key when we worked together but when Scott left the company we took our “thing” to personal email and the semi-flirtatiousness continued. We even talked about books and travel and smart things as well. Eventually he started to press me for a photograph. You know the kind. And since I am also not comfortable with “that kind” of photo being in the hands of some guy’s email, I denied him. He disappeared from my inbox for 6 months. Then when I heard from him again, he asked me if I’d found my sense of humor. So yes, LW, this dude you’ve been sexting for a mere 3 wks only wants your noods.

The most puzzling thing here is the LW having a relationship with her cell phone. If I were going to have a relationship with a machine it would have a far different shape, be able to take a bath with me, and probably be a whole hell of a lot more satisfying. OK, I know there’s a guy on the other end of the phone. But her relationship isn’t with him, not really. It’s with a version of him she has built up in her mind.

I can’t get into FWB/Hooking-Up discussions without my personal opinion popping out – I think it’s a poor substitute for the real thing and potentially an impediment to finding the real thing – and at the same time I respect each person’s right to choose their own path. The hard part for me is when people don’t have the ability to look at what’s going on in their life and realize that their choice to do FWB/HU is a HUGE part of their discontentment with a relationship.

I know, the world changes, new ways of falling in love are inevitable and society pressures people to do things that aren’t healthy. But still, my primary relationship is such a strong platform from which I leap out into the world and tackle my dreams (insert image of lithe little kitty leaping off the bookcase to tackle the dog)…and holding onto sex as a special activity I so with him alone has helped to build and keeps my foundation strong. It’s a nice side effect and so much better than a machine.

When reading this all I could think about is how the Neanderthal Republicans would criminalize things like this if they are able to successfully kick the hated darky who sits in the White House now. I would rather live under Sharia law than under the Religious Right, who do nothing but push that fake Jesus fella on us and try to shut down women’s health centers because they are sexist and racist and homophobic pigs.