Use it on Someone Else’s Hair – If you have a friend who has a lame bowl cut that just fluffs down over their eyebrows making them look like a little boy, you can wait until they’re passed out on your couch and then sploogle some gel to their hair to make them look all cool and Michael Douglas slick when they wake up. With drowsy, crusty eyes they’ll look into the bathroom mirror and scream in nervous glee like Tom Hanks in “Big.”

Use it to Slow Down a Brown Recluse Spider – If you happen to see one of these beasties crawling towards you and it obviously intends to poisonously bite you, just go ahead and grab your hair gel and sploogle it all over the spider. Then you can get all close to it and watch it try to escape from the heart of slime mountain. Don’t worry—if through desperate efforts it almost reaches the surface, just sploogle more hair gel on top on top of the old hair gel. That’ll slow it down.

Use it to Make Your Poodle Look Feral – If your watchdog is a poodle and is incapable of scaring away evil-doers—therefore leaving you vulnerable to their designs—simply sploogle a bunch of hair gel all over your poodle’s fur and tousle the slimy coat up a bit. When the hair gel dries, your poodle will appear to be feral and rabiefull and no one will want to risk getting anywhere near it. You will get much more bang out of your poodle.

Use it to Forget Your Last Girlfriend – If you just got dumped and are experiencing a shrieking emptiness in your life, you can start dating the bottle of LA Looks hair gel that’s collecting dust by your toothbrush stand. Get its number and go on a bunch of dates with it that don’t really mean anything but they’re better than just hanging out with your poodle. If it asks, “Wait a minute. Are you using me?”, then just lie and say: “Nah, you know it’s not like that.”

Use it to Get into a Party in the Hollywood Hills – If your hair gel has connections with some producers and directors that live up in the Hollywood Hills and they’re about to throw a wild high-profile party, have your hair gel take you as its “And 1,” and once you get into the party totally break away and do your own thing and don’t even talk to hair gel. If someone asks about hair gel just roll your eyes and make a face. Tell them: “We’re not really friends. I just kinda used it to get into the party, ya know?”