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Security Agencies Crack Down on Home Baking

by Steve Cook

Security services the world over are on high alert in the aftermath of the recent Airport Cupcake Scare in the United States, in which a “woman” was caught red-handed trying to bring two cupcakes aboard a plane at Las Vegas airport.
Airports globally are now on the look-out for attempts by “people” to smuggle bread crumbs, scones, vanilla essence, waffles and other bomb-making equipment aboard aircraft.

In further moves to crack down on what is emerging as a plot involving millions of terrorists to bring civilisation to its knees, thousands of websites publishing recipes for cakes and potentially deadly flans are being shut down.

Meanwhile, the alleged ringleader of the global Al Cakeater, terrorist organisation - an affiliate of the notorious Islamic Cake group that has terrorised bakeries across the civilised world and the United States - has been moved to the top of the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list.

Known only as “Mr Kipling,” he was believed until yesterday to have been a made-up character. But he is notorious for making exceedingly good “cakes” and is now being sought in connection with the discovery of a number of “cake baking” factories in Barnsley and other locations in the UK that for a number of years have been operating right under the noses of the British Security forces.

Ashen-faced Roger Stalin (13) MP for Gestapo in Yorkshire announced that he has been fully briefed on the latest Confectionary Threat by a representative of the US Secretary for Hysteria. He told this reporter that he is, “Ashen-faced at this latest horror emerging from the People’s Republic of America.”

He went on to say: “Things are even worse than we thought. We all knew that every one of us was under threat of being turned into cat food at any minute but the sheer scale and magnitude of the horror is only just coming to light. It is sobering to think that at any moment someone could walk onto a plane armed with self-raising flour and a small carton of whipped cream.

"These ingredients are lethal – all one has to do is add three kilos of nitroglycerine, bake in a slow oven for forty five minutes, then add a sprinkling of icing sugar and some hazelnuts and one has a lethal cocktail capable of blowing Neasden off the map!”

Accordingly, security forces across Britain have been moved to full BTA (Brown Trouser Alert), with the suspension of all civil liberties as an unavoidable measure for ensuring the continuation of our traditional freedoms (except baking).

The alert will be downgraded to “Loose Bladder” once the immediate threat has been dealt with – probably at some time in the twenty-third century.

Officials are also considering an all-out ban on McVities HobNobs, with stiff sentences for those caught in possession.

As Mr Stalin explained: “These devices can be lethal. A trained operative well schooled in the Ninja arts could easily take a pilot’s eye out with one skilfully flung piece of confectionery or wave one about in a threatening manner and thus hold an entire plane to ransom. We also know for a fact that several tons of HobNobs were recently shipped in cargo planes bound for Saudi Arabia and other destinations all over the Middle East. Who’s to say they won’t end up in terrorist training camps?”

We will keep you informed of developments as this new drama unfolds.

Meanwhile, the breaking news is that a similar scare took place at Heathrow this morning on a plane bound for Brussels and a woman known as Theresa and claiming to be a ”Prime Minister” was arrested.

In her briefcase were found plans and documents innocuously labelled “Economic Strategy” but officials quickly recognised that they were a recipe for disaster.