Earlier this week I stumbled onto a blog named sincemydivorce, a blog by a divorcée in her late 50s dedicated to celebrating the good from divorce. The blogger wrote a three part series on a woman named Jenni who wanted to share her story about divorcing her “emotionally controlling” and “verbally abusive” husband. Since this blog covers the topic of divorce at times I thought I’d share the story. Jenni explains how her road to divorce began:

I was doing anything and everything to numb myself from the unhappiness of the marriage and the relationship that was in front of me day-to-day. Yeah, we had sex but it wasn’t being touched in a way I like to be touched. It wasn’t being talked to in a way I liked being talked to. It wasn’t nice. It wasn’t sensual or what I imagine a healthy relationship is supposed to be like.

When Jenni says anything and everything, she isn’t kidding. In her desperate bid for happiness she became the town whore, and dropped her two young kids (the oldest was 8 ) off with a sitter for days at a time so she could freebase cocaine.

Be good for the sitter kids! Mommy is freebasing!

Oh, wait. Something is terribly wrong here. When I read the story on the other site it sounded so different. It made it obvious that Jenni was an innocent victim of an abusive husband. Sure maybe she made a bad choice or two which “compounded” things, but it wasn’t her fault. Somehow I’ve made it sound like she was an awful wife and mother. Even worse, my version makes it sound like she was an adult who should have taken responsibility for her own actions. I’ll try to do better.

Jenni’s repeated contact with unsavory characters lead to an absolutely awful, brutal assault:

I had a series of extramarital affairs and as a result of the affairs, I was sexually assaulted. I don’t blame myself for the assault because someone roofied me but that was my breaking point.

I was raped and he broke my tailbone. I had bruises on me and it wasn’t a good situation at all. I would consider it my nervous breakdown at thirty-one. I was miserable in my marriage and I had to hide the fact that someone hurt me terribly.

I should clarify that in the original story she only admits to freebasing for days on end after the rape. I’m not an expert on drug abuse but from what I understand planning ahead for a weekend freebase bender isn’t typical for a first timer. So I’m assuming she had some experience here already:

I didn’t want my husband to know because if I’d copped to the assault, I would have had to cop to the extramarital affairs I’d been having. I was good at covering my tracks but it was horrible to lead a double life. I would never recommend it to anybody.

I don’t know how I got through. I was completely numb. The weekend after the assault, I put my kids with babysitters and went and got high all weekend. I freebased cocaine all weekend long.

Jenni’s next move was to manipulate her husband into uprooting the family and move to another state since word about her was spreading fast in their small town. Her husband agreed but learned about the rape (but not the affairs) just before the move:

I did mislead him into thinking I wanted to work on our marriage and that a fresh start in another state was what we needed.

He actually found out about the assault when we had the moving truck in front of our house. He knew that something had been wrong but he didn’t know what had happened and I wasn’t talking to him. He’s actually never been angry with me about it but he acted like it happened to him which makes me angry.

Not only did the husband agree to move the family for her, but he also checked her into a treatment center for both her drug abuse and psychiatric problems. There she learned that the cause of her bad choices wasn’t herself but her marriage:

Based on some of my behavior, I fit some of the criteria for a sex addict but I don’t want to say I’m a sex addict. I definitely had some issues but I think a lot of it was just that I was so unhappy in my marriage. There was no affection.

Now it is starting to make sense. I just knew it had to be his fault. This guy is such an insensitive ass! First he makes her unhappy, and then he has the gall to be upset with her when he finds out about her multitude of affairs:

I was supposed to be at the center for a month but my husband was so verbally abusive while I was there, I actually got grounded from talking to him. My case manager said,

“You can’t talk to him anymore. All he does is upset you.”

He had found out about the affairs and that’s what he was angriest about, which I can understand. I would never recommend having an affair to anyone. As good of an idea as it sounds for the simple pleasures that you get, the long term is never worth it. It is too damaging.

So of course, Jenni did what anyone would do. She cashed out one of the couple’s retirement accounts and stayed in treatment for an extra month as a sort of vacation. After the money ran out, she returned home and parked herself on the couch:

Because he was so angry with me, I cashed out one of my IRAs so I could stay in treatment for another month. As much as I missed my kids, I needed the break, just from the role of mom and wife and feeling like damaged goods after the assault.

My husband was yelling at me to come home and take care of the kids and he wanted to try to make it work. But I knew then what I needed to do. I remember sitting there in California, crying, not wanting to come back and be with him.

Almost a year later came the incident which was the last straw for Jenni:

There were many fights but I remember one big one when he woke me up at 5:30 in the morning. We were still sleeping in the same bed at the time and I woke up to him calling me a whore, a bitch, a c*** and stuff, because he couldn’t find a piece of equipment for his work. Because of that, he decided to lay into me and blame me.

I actually called my parents and I would never usually call them at that hour. I spoke to my dad,

“Dad, I don’t know what to do. He’s being horrible to me, he’s calling me names, he’s screaming at me and I know the kids can hear it. I don’t want to call the police because I’d hate for my kids to see that.”

My dad is a police officer and he called me back later that afternoon and said,

“If I ever get another phone call from you like that again, you’ll have the police on your doorstep taking him away.”

It was a rough period. I had filed for divorce but I was doubting whether I should move out.

Between her husband’s previously described abuse and the wisdom of a Celestial Seasoning’s box, Jenni decided to take the plunge and move out on her own.

30 Responses to It’s all about her.

There is good to celebrated from this divorce. Who wants to be married to a drug and sex addict?

Addiction is very difficult to cure. Addicts tend to go to rehab a dozen times before they change, if they ever change. If, for some insane reason, you want to be married to an addict, you can expect to spend years suffering this sort of crap, especially the manipulation. It’s the nature of the disease. The only really helpful thing you can do in this situation is get the addict out of the house and away from the kids. A divorce can accomplish that. Hopefully, her ex gets the kids in the third installment of the story.

Drugs addiction is strange. The people in the grips of it always seem to deny it. I went through this with a drug addict in the past. All I have to say is never again. I am so glad my husband is not into that stuff. I have always been clean myself, but unfortunately I didn’t always demand the same of others.

It’s nice to have a home free of smoke and illegal junk, especially with a baby on the way. Children should not be exposed to such altering chemicals or the deviant personalities that tend to become involved in the drug trade. The denial and manipulation on the part of the addict is just another reason to get out.

After second kid, husband pretty much starting letting her do whatever she wants?

I think she wanted her husband to take control and he refused to do it. So she started provoking him. She wanted, on some level, to get “put in her place”. Tied up. Literally. And figuratively to. Locked-down. Now, with her tendency to run to Daddy, and the Police State, it might have been hard for hubby to play that role, but I don’t think she is a drug addict at all. I think she wants the Lock Down. She wants Daddy to take control of her life.

Notice she said “her 401k”. She was high-functioning up until the melt-down. Maybe hubby finally dropped below some critical dominance level.

Really, I don’t think she is an addict at all. People don’t wake up at 28 or 30 and decide “I have an addictive personality”.

She was, in a way, provoking her husband deliberately. Certain women love the tingle of a hard slap. This even gets air time on chick-flicks.

And yeah, I’m talking sexually/socially/physically. Women blur that all up. So that’s how they see it.

On the other hand, I’m up way to late. So maybe I’m hallucinating it all.

But I think she would have been perfectly happy if her husband had, in a “chick-correct” way, taken control of her life and told her what she could and could not do.

I’ve seen too many addicts destroy themselves and the people around to believe that loving them and allowing them to be destructive is the same thing. Often the kindest thing you can do for an addict is to kick them out. The sooner they hit rock bottom, the more likely it is that they will change.

Good point J. The blogger who paints her as a victim to an abusive husband and a sort of divorce heroine isn’t doing her any favors. The bright happy picture of the “coke” can probably didn’t help either. I wonder if the treatment center didn’t make the same mistake. No one wants to hurt a woman’s feelings. In this case it probably is standing in the way of her recognizing how she needs to change. Rock bottom isn’t a place, it is a state of realization. You can always fall farther…

She treated her husband and kids absolutely awfully, yet her case worker, her father, and the blogger all feed her the lie that it was the other way around.

I don’t think she is a drug addict at all. I think she wants the Lock Down. She wants Daddy to take control of her life.

She probably did need a lot of alpha. But why would a man with that much alpha bother with her? I certainly wouldn’t advise it.

As for her being a drug addict, all I know is what the blogger chose to recount second hand. Like I said, I’m not an expert on the topic. But my understanding is freebasing coke isn’t a beginner move. I’m inclined to assume she had been using in one form or another for a significant period of time. What person not in the lifestyle would even know how to get coke, let alone in that form? I sure wouldn’t.

I wonder if the treatment center didn’t make the same mistake. No one wants to hurt a woman’s feelings. In this case it probably is standing in the way of her recognizing how she needs to change.

Doubtful, that’s not how rehab/12 step programs work. You are supposed to know who you messed and how and then make amends. They make you confront yourself.

yet her case worker, her father, and the blogger all feed her the lie that it was the other way around.

With the exception of the blogger, who apparently was taken in, you are taking the word of an addict as to reaction at rehab and the father’s reaction . Addicts are notorious liars. It’s part of the disease.

But I think she would have been perfectly happy if her husband had, in a “chick-correct” way, taken control of her life and told her what she could and could not do.

I don’t think she is a drug addict at all. I think she wants the Lock Down. She wants Daddy to take control of her life.

and @Dalrock

She probably did need a lot of alpha.
As for her being a drug addict, all I know is what the blogger chose to recount second hand.

There is a relationship between instability, drug use and needing an alpha “daddy.” I have noticed the existence of a subset of women–druggies, biker babes, and other assorted adventuresses–who tend to get out of control and have difficulty in dealing with their own impulses. Often those women chase alpha daddies who can control them because they can’t control themselves.
Did you notice that she married her husband after a whirlwind courtship? That says impulsive to me. She was able to function in the marriage for awhile, even working to support the husband while he was in school. At some point though, things got too mundane and she stated to crave excitement and act out sexually and with drugs. He became “controlling” but that may have been part of their original dynamic. She may have jumped into the marriage precisely because he was controlling and that made her feel secure. It fits with the notion that unstable, impulsive and childish women seek a daddy.

“Jenni and her husband opted to divorce without attorneys and mutually agreed that the children would spend the majority of the time with their dad. There’ll be more on that in a coming post.

I hope what comes out from Jenni’s story is that she knows she’s made poor choices in the past and she has to live with those. But she’s working hard now to create a life where she can be there for her children and support them.”

To think her husband probably had to give her half his accumulated wealth, e.g. home value etc. is repulsive. That wasn’t the case anywhere in the world until America “lead the way” under feminist lobbying in the 1970s with the first time notion that marriage is an equal economic partnership, whether men want or consent to that or not.

As for his being “verbally abuse” – she RICHLY deserved it, with her town whore activity and freebasing coke and emotionally abandoning her husband.

As well if he has custody of the kids she should be or should have paid him child support. That’s what would happen if the genders of the drug addict derelict parent were reversed.

Men shouldn’t get married given the current American divorce 2.0 laws. If men want children they should have them in a truly committed living together relationship, as is the case in a number of western Euro countries in more than fifty percent of child raising male female partnerships.

Of course she’s almost certainly vastly exaggerating about his “verbal abuse”, as divorced American women so often do these days. Vastly worse emotional abuse from wives isn’t labeled that very often by either spouse. Women lie and self delude about the true reasons for divorce vastly more than men do. Men often blame themselves way more than is accurate or balanced. They’re often far more often clueless about the true reasons, due heavily to pedestaling women that’s so encouraged in feminist/chivalrous media and schools culture promoting America.

Maybe I am just a jerk but having seen hard drugs destroy a number of my friends, I would have lawyered up and gone dirty pretty fast here – promiscuous junkies like this can kill themselves but what they do to their families is shocking. The only solution is to cut them out of your life, and hope they come around. Few junkies do; the odds are against them. Even based on her own charitable version of the story, this woman was an utterly out of control lunatic. The real truth is probably a lot worse. I’d have probably kicked old girl out the moment I realized she was a crack whore. I don’t see that as a problem that a marriage can recover from.