Pages

Friday, September 11, 2009

ORIGINS...

I think of my mother and I suddenly feel a gush of mixed emotions. When I think of my mother, words fail me to describe what I feel at the opportune time. It is really hard for me and probably you reading this bit would immediately assume the worst. When I say that its hard, its because she is EXTREMELY WONDERFULL!!! Even these words cannot remotely express how I feel about her!! She is my mother, a pearl from heaven, a haven of understanding, a …... I'm at loss of the right words! Fine, I'm babbling and loosing my cool!

The biggest scare for me when I realized who I really was and what was going on with me was that my mom would reject me. I'm an only child and don't have a father. So basically my mom was my whole family and the thought of me losing her at the time I really needed her most was dauntingly terrifying! I mastered up the courage to open up to my mom and her sisters but I couldn't face her directly. So I wrote her a two page letter pouring my heart out to her , explaining exactly what was going on with me. I left the letter for her to read one evening when I went to my grandparents so that she could have ample time to read, reflect, internalize and accept (if possible).

That week she called me and told me that she had read the letter and her response was that SHE WILL TAKE ME AS I AM!!! I was extremely happy, excited, thankful, relieved...all at once! The mixed feelings I had were overwhelming and I thanked God for such an amazing mother.

THIS NEW ME...(This just happened..)My new job entails meeting people, going out and having discussions, that kind of stuff. Today in particular, I was aware that I was to meet up with some people we were dealing with at the office but at a hotel in town. Now, since we were going for a lunch meeting, it lasted longer than expected and so it reached a point where I had to use the bathroom/loo. I kind of had forgotten that my physical appearance still wasnt that feminine so when I asked a guard to direct me to the ladies he grew pale and gave me a confused look. I didnt get why he looked at me that way and maybe it was because so far most people that I had interacted with were very accepting and understanding so that idea somehow was instilled in me. This guard was an old looking fellow and thus, me, looking the way I did and asking for the ladies, blew him away. I just left him since someone else showed me where they were and went in the ladies. When I came out I found him waiting for me with a look that showed he meant bad business! I immediately got terrified and my heart raced four times as fast! He started questioning me in swahili asking me 'are you a lady? Why are you asking for the ladies and youre a guy? Why did you enter the ladies? Are you a lady?' I tried explaining myself telling him that I was a transgender but then it hit me, this guy, probably at his age and being a guard, may not even have the slightest clue as to what that was. This confrontation went on for like three minutes, me trying to insist that I'm a girl only differently looking and also trying to put across the fact that he wasnt in a position to question my gender but then, since probably his level of understanding didnt allow it, he just couldn't get why a dude would ennter the ladies! Thankfully, a staff member came by and helped me out telling the 'askari' that it wasnt in his place to question my gender.

That incident gave me shivers that are still running through my body even now as I post this! This was the exact kind of reactions that I really am trying to avoid. I keep telling myself that I can do it, I am beautiful and people can see that. My biggest set back is my beard and probably the apple. I am trying my best to get atleast some of it off and invisible but clearly, thats gonna be a mountain to climb. A hurdle that I have to pass, a trial that must be fulfilled. I really want to do this but my environment is semi-hostile. I'm hoping Nairobians are don't care and wont bother me, but I want to be realistic enough to accept the fact that this process isnt gonna be smooth sailing, and that I shall indeed come across such characters that will mess up my confidence and make me feel like nothingness. Its a reality that I have to embrace and I pray to God that, as He has protected me time and again, including today, He shall continue to guide and protect me from all harm and evil. Amen.