How Much Smarter Than Donald Trump Are These Six Inanimate Objects?

Each of these six inanimate objects was recently certified by the American Institute of Certifying Things as being officially “Smarter Than Donald Trump.” But can you guess just how much smarter than Trump they are? Sure you can! Give it a try!

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And now, onto the fun and frivolity!

How Much Smarter Than Donald Trump Are These Six Inanimate Objects?

#1. Bag Of Hammers

When it comes to cliches, perhaps no cliche is better at describing how dumb someone is than comparing them to a bag of hammers. The idea is that all a hammer is used for is literally bashing things. It doesn’t take much intelligence to be a blunt force object. As it turns out, though, even a bag of hammers is smarter than the commander in chief. But by how much?

34.2% Smarter Than Trump

#2. Half-Eaten Cup of Pudding

At first thought, it might not seem possible that a half-eaten cup of pudding would be smarter than Donald Trump. But stop and think for a minute. did a cup of half-eaten pudding sign a clearly unconstitutional Muslim ban after saying he’d sign a Muslim ban for months and then try to pretend it’s not a Muslim ban? Did a half-eaten cup of pudding put a woman with zero public education experience in as Secretary of Education?

67.8% Smarter Than Trump

#3. Old Piece Of Dog Shit

When dog shit gets old, it dries up, turns white, and blows away. As it does so, though, it blows away with more IQ points than Trump. It’s hard to imagine, for instance, a piece of dried up dog shit making a brain surgeon the head of Housing and Urban Development just because he’s black. More examples of old dog shit being smarter than Trump are pretty self-evident, such as the fact that old dog shit understands the role the judicial branch plays in our government, unlike Trump.

82.8% Smarter Than Trump

#4. New Piece Of Dog Shit

Hey! Don’t leave new, fresh pieces of dog shit out of the action! Of course they’re smarter than Trump. You won’t see a fresh piece of dog shit seriously suggest that Rick Perry should run the Department of Energy, which he wants to destroy, and couldn’t remember the name of when he ran for president in 2012, will you? Can you imagine seeing a newly dropped dog turd actually suggest that the world needs more nuclear weapons not fewer?

89.8% Smarter Than Trump

#5. Ben Carson

Ironically enough, Trump has within his own cabinet an inanimate object that is smarter than he is. Granted, it’s a really tough call. After all, Carson believes the Egyptian pyramids were built as grain silos and that the planet was created in six days and is only a few thousand years old. Then again, Ben Carson is a brain surgeon, which presumably means he had to take some pretty high-level college courses at some point. In the end, he nudges out Trump just barely.

.8% Smarter Than Trump

#6. A Magic 8-Ball

Statistically speaking, a Magic 8-ball has a much higher accuracy percentage than Donald Trump does. In fact, unlike Trump, the Magic 8-Ball’s PolitiFact file isn’t overwhelmingly false. Trump’s PolitiFact file is so full of lies they’re going to have to move split it up by lies told per day of the week. Also, the 8-ball isn’t a racist, orange, plutocratic, misanthropic cock sore. So there’s that, too.