Thursday, August 05, 2010

I see, you see, we all see, for TV! Yes, that's right, everybody loves television! Never trust anybody who says "Oh, we got rid of our television and we spend our evenings having family discussions, reading classic books and playing board games." They're communists! After all, if TV wasn't good for you, why would they be piping it completely free of charge into your home 24 hours a day, eight days a week? Well, except for cable. And Hulu. And video cassettes...look, you get the idea. To paraphrase Randy Newman: I love TV! And so, apparently, do superheroes! It's true. In their busy and hectic comic-book lives, you may not see them sitting around for twenty-two pages watching Lost (unless you're reading a comic by Brian Michael Bendis), but trust me, from their wisecracks, commentary, and up-to-the-minute pop culture references, we definitely know that superheroes love television. How do we know that TV is a hero's best entertainment value? Well, they're certainly not reading comic books! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA! But my point, and I do have one, is this: which shows do you think the Marvel Superheroes and their supporting cast members love to watch best? Is Captain America a fan of Love, American Style? Does Johnny Storm enjoy Gordon Ramsey's Hell's Kitchen? How about Doctor Doom? Do you think he tapes every episode of Phineas and Ferb? (Yes.) Anyway, let's out out, shall we? Yes, let's shall!

U.S. Agent is no out-of-time, never-watches-NASCAR Captain America type, oh no no no. But what the Agent loves best are the great shows of the sixties and seventies: Hawaii Five-O and Gilligan's Island! Guess he loves shows set on land masses smaller than a continent that are entirely surrounded by water. And he likes the remake of Twilight Zone. Let's hope he means the late-eighties TV version and not the Vic Morrow-killin' movie version.

Oh course Edwin Jarvis, the Avengers' butler, enjoys watching not one but several news programs. He better not lose track of time watching CNN, though, because if Thor steps through the door and his dinner isn't on the table, there's gonna be Hel to pay!

Also enjoying newscasts: Dr. Anthony "Don't Call Me Droom" Druid. But what he really loves is appearing on local cult talk shows alongside faded Broadway stars. No Tonight Show or Letterman for Druid, nuh uh!

Of course an old-time newshound like J. Jonah Jameson is also a fan of TV news, altho' he prefers his retro-style without all those confusing modern computer graphics. In fact, if he had it his way, Edward R. Murrow would smoke his way through every newscast, and they'd all be about how Spider-Man was really a communist.

But don't kid yourself: boy-crazy MJ is really all about the hottest hunks out there in TV-land. That means Scott Baio, Donny Osmond, Shaun Cassidy, and an actor by the name of John Travolta who nobody would ever hear of ever again.

Not every hero watches episodic television, though. Scot Lang (Ant-Man II) prefers the movie classics that run on Sunday afternoons during baseball rain delays, or overnight on the Superstation. I'm not certain he's got the finest taste in cinema, however. Or maybe he just likes hairy, hairy men of the 1970s. Don't we all?

Just don't ask Scott to be on your team when playing Trivial Pursuit: Hollywood Edition.

Daredevil never watches TV, but he's a big radio fan. Gal pal Elektra, on the other hand, is a big fan of movies like The Princess Bride. Now do Andre the Giant, Elektra!

On the other hand, judging from her expression, it's pretty sure that Elektra has never seen the movie Se7en. And also, that she would kill anyone who actually pronounced it like that.

Now, Colleen Wing of the Daughters of the Dragon...you'd think she would be watching chop-socky Hong Kong action flix all the time on TV. But actually, she reads a lot. Huh. Maybe Misty Knight is watching Cleopatra Jones all the time.

Not so literary: Tigra. She's a fan of The Wheel. And we're not talkin' about the one that's on fire.

Oh, now, it's not like Tigra doesn't or can't read. It's just that her preferred reading ain't exactly fine literature. Then again, who does like Mondays and who doesn't like lasagna?

..and true-to-life historical reconstruction documentaries about life in the prehistoric stone age:

For Ben Grimm, there's only one true late night talk show host, and it ain't Joan Rivers:

And he's not only a fan of two single girls in the big city (maybe because they work in a brewery), but he knows all about that show with those Muppet things:

Why, he even watchesaltho' he's green with jealousyshows about his fellow Marvel Superheroes!

Then again, even The Hulk watches his own show. Bixby was raking it in on those shows! Maybe that means he could finally give Mrs. Livingston a raise and put Eddie through college.

Hulk's such a TV fanatic, he even makes a regular pilgrimage to drop in on the filming of his favorite Monday night comedy-drama S*H*O*W:

And, as we begin to wrap up, what kind of TV show do you think a goth teen who secretly thinks her parents are evil enjoys watching? Seein' as Nico Minoru enjoys dystopian fiction, I'm betting it's not Saved By the Bell!