PLATELL'S PEOPLE: Whisper it, but Great British Bake Off is just SO boring

Now, I realise that what I am about to say is sacrilege and liable to see me pelted with custard pies in supermarket aisles. But here goes: I find the Great British Bake Off BORING! Not just a tad tedious, but mind-numbingly, yawn-makingly dull.

Yes, I know 9.3 million people watched the show when it returned on Wednesday night. I was among them, hoping for a glimmer of something fresh, original and exciting.

But when a show's highlight is a tattooed man putting beetroot into his black forest gateau you start to wonder if Bake Off's not only past its sell-by date, but starting to turn mouldy.

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I find the Great British Bake Off BORING! Not just a tad tedious, but mind-numbingly, yawn-makingly dull

I, too, was once a true believer. When the show started in 2010 it was a breath of fresh air and a nostalgic return to the simpler things in life. Who wouldn't want Mary Berry to be their very own butter-scented grandma?

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But six interminable series later, its ingredients have curdled into a formula that's about as exciting as . . . well, as watching a few random strangers trying to bake a madeira cake in a tent.

It's bad enough this year's contestants seem to have been selected less on their ability to make a perfect victoria sandwich than by all the diversity and inclusivity boxes the BBC could tick.

As for Mel and Sue — their increasingly desperate puns about 'tempting buns' and 'perfect cracks' make Benny Hill look sophisticated. Is this really what prime-time family TV has turned into?

When a show's highlight is a tattooed man putting beetroot into his black forest gateau you start to wonder if Bake Off's not only past its sell-by date, but starting to turn mouldy

Forgive me for being po-faced, but when Britain is experiencing a crippling obesity crisis, is encouraging people to stuff their faces with choccy cake and plump pies the wisest idea?

Ah, say Bake Off fans, at least it encourages people into the kitchen. True, but only by cruel deception.

Those 'showstopper' bakes may look impressive, but Bake Off barely hints at the hassle it would take to recreate them at home — the trek to find the right ingredients; the crisis when you realise you've got the wrong sized baking tin; the hours spent scrubbing cake mix off the ceiling when you didn't put the mixer lid on properly.

And who has three hours to bake, anyway? In 1975, Superwoman Shirley Conran freed women from the chains of the kitchen by declaring: 'Life's too short to stuff a mushroom.' For me, and I suspect many others, it's too short to watch the once Great British Bake Off.

Too busy or too out of tune?

The Spice Girls are reuniting for a world tour, but without Posh, who says she's decided to focus on other projects.

So, nothing to do with the humiliation she endured when she last tried to sing — at the London Olympics — and serenaded us with a voice that sounded just like a chicken being strangled.

The Spice Girls are reuniting for a world tour, but without Posh, who says she's decided to focus on other projects

David Cameron was so mesmerised by the shambolic Kids Company boss Camila Batmanghelidjh he over-ruled civil servants who warned it was a financial mess.

Shady financial dealings. . .a PM who's a terrible judge of character. . .it can only be a matter of time before she's rewarded with a Tory seat in the Lords.

Baroness Batmanghelidjh of Bungling? You read it here first.

Jungle drums say Leslie Ash is in talks to appear on I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! despite her £5million compensation payout for negligence from the NHS eight years ago, when a superbug left her with crippling disabilities.

Her lawyers argued she'd never work again — hence the record payout.

Now her family is keen for her to return to TV. Perhaps we taxpayers should be even keener to get our money back.

Leslie Ash is in talks to appear on I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here! despite her £5million compensation payout for negligence from the NHS eight years ago, when a superbug left her with crippling disabilities

So stupid to bed a 'kiss and tell' queen

A married sports star has secured a gagging order on a female celebrity who wanted to reveal their affair.

High Court judge Mrs Justice Laing dismissed the kiss-and-tell mistress as 'a shallow, one-dimensional, cut-out character,' yet praised the man for being a 'successful sportsman who has held positions of responsibility'.

Not so responsible he didn't spot the risks of an affair with a woman notorious for blabbing about her sex life.

Don't kid yourself you're normal, Zara

Zara Phillips says she is very lucky not to have a royal title as it has allowed her to make her own way in the world.

Indeed, but if she weren't the daughter of Princess Anne, would she have earned £29 million last year, appear constantly in Hello! and have lucrative deals with Rolex and Land Rover?

She may not have a royal title, but she certainly profits from royal perks.

Zara Phillips may not have a royal title, but she certainly profits from the royal perks that come her way

This has made this week's Ashes' spectacular a bittersweet experience — not least thanks to the endless Aussie-baiting jokes that have been doing the rounds.

My favourite so far? 'What's the definition of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.'

After Brad Pitt dumped her for Angelina Jolie, few thought Jennifer Aniston would find happiness again. Now she has married her long-term partner Justin Theroux. Well done, girl.

And how classy to conduct the ceremony in secret — and not sell the photos to the highest bidder like a certain Angelina Husband-Stealer.

Vanity Fair has named Samantha Cameron as the world's most fashionable woman, praising her for her conservative charm. Wish you could say the same about her husband.

When the last of the military hospitals was closed in 2009, our injured troops were assured they would receive the finest treatment from the NHS.

Fast forward six years and Clive Smith, 29, who lost both legs in Afghanistan, is living proof that was a cruel lie. Despite representing Britain at cycling in the Invictus Games, he has since languished for eight months in a wheelchair waiting for his prosthetic limbs to be refitted.

It makes a mockery of the military covenant and the enduring duty of care we owe to our soldiers.

Even the boss of the Met, Bernard Hogan-Howe, concludes that former PM Edward Heath should not have been named as a suspected paedophile while allegations against him remain unproven.

Yes, victims of abuse deserve justice, but the dead deserve their dignity, too — at least until there is hard evidence to replace wild innuendo.

Westminster Noticeboard...

New laws that will stop handouts to failed asylum seekers and force them to leave the country in 28 days will not come into force until July next year. So, just another incentive for them to get their Nikes on and sprint down the Channel Tunnel this summer.

Is it any wonder that Boris Johnson has dropped to third in the race for the Tory leadership after Thursday's Tube chaos that brought the capital to a halt and cost London's economy around £300 million. His mishandling of the on-going Tube calamity proves what many of us already suspected: Boris can talk the talk but he's not so good at walking the walk.

Jeremy Corbyn says many of the 'filthy rich' he encounters would be 'quite happy' to pay more taxes to fund better public services. The problem is, Comrade Corbyn thinks anyone earning over the basic wage of £13,000 a year is filthy rich.