Thursday, March 25, 2010

[Warning: Some links are probably NSFW. Also, if you really believe in the whole 'Indian culture' thing really seriously, some things, ummmmm, might not sit well with you. So I suggest you go to the nearest place of worship instead. Or haggle some random news anchor on twitter.]

Dear Indian Government,

Before you read any further, let me first ask you to hand this letter to an adult. No, not just anyone whose age is more than 18, but someone who can actually think like an adult. Possibly someone who doesn't giggle when they see human reproductive parts or cover their mouth with both hands when they say a 'bad word' like peepee.

I'm waiting.

Okay, fine. Since there is no one in your 'august organisation' who actually fits that description, I'd have to make do with whoever is actually reading this letter.

So, hey, what is up? (That is how we begin letters in 2010. None of the 'Dear ____' crap they taught you in school in the 1880s.)

You see, before all the prudes invaded us and plundered us like they do to Paris Hilton, we were a country of non-prudes. In fact, all the best art-movie sex was being had in India, while those boring Europeans had only the 'missionary position' to work with. Although, to be fair, if you need to take off thousands of layers of clothes before you have sex, you're probably too tired to try anything but the missionary position anyway.

Look, we invented good sex in India. We're the land of the Kama Sutra (not the lame movie you also kind of banned. But the actual ancient text, which is much more famous than the Maharamamayana or whatever).

Did you know that when they accidentally invented the zero, they were actually trying to explain to people how a circle jerk works? I bet you didn't. That's what happens when you get celibate right-wing idiots to re-write your history.

Also, did you know that we have ancient caves in India which show actual ancient people having sex? Don't look now or you'll get a heart attack, but some of the ancient people even did it doggie style!

I know! It's a hard thing to digest.

You can stop crying now.

In ancient times, being a nymph was considered a good thing. They were worshipped, even! Now, people like you consider a girl who even talks to a boy a whore, and beat her/get her married to the nearest rich-old man!

And stuff they did in public back then would actually get you arrested nowdays! Or worse, get some dipshit jackass prudes who have nothing better to do except trying to stop people from having sex to file a PIL against you!

They didn't even need to have 'wardrobe malfunctions' during kama-sutric times. They believed that, if you have, not just flaunt it, but carve it on a fucking stone!

Also, most scientific and empirical evidence points to the fact that if kids take out their "pubertal frustration" (I'm using euphemisms, so as to speak your language, since you're scared shitless of saying the words 'sexual intercourse' or 'masturbate'.) during puberty, they don't turn into Shiny Ahuja. Do you really want to be responsible for a nation of Shiny Ahujas?

So, dear government, let the nice FTV ladyee show her wombachumbas.

Because, dude, she is doing more for public welfare than you ever will.

Therefore, on behalf of all the remaining adults in the country, and in the interest of public welfare and maid safety, I implore you to stop hating on Indian culture.

While your open letter was quite revealing (obviously because it was open) and not to mention very, very hilarious, you probably wrote it based on the premise that those in the government might be interested in there being fewer Shiney Ahuja's. It is people like Shiney who come to government's aid when they decide to raise petrol price, or when their tests of fire extinguishing equipments in B places like Bareilly fail.

But yes, your deciding to write such letter should not be subject to government's reading and/or acting upon them.

You did not miss FTV for so many days! :O That probably tells you don't need it as much. ;)

While, the situation you describe is not impossible to be in, why would you have to distract the husband to steal *her* booze? What was the deal between aunty & her husband? That could make for another interesting post, perhaps? ;) Or, if you got the pronouns wrong, is it only an indication that you were successful in your attempts to distract? :P

Dude, stumbled onto your blog through some link on twitter and have been immersed into it ever since. loving everything bout it. would like to share your stuff through my FB posts n notes (with due credit to you n link to your blog ofcourse) coz i sincerely think ur stuff is worth spreading around forlike minded people and also for not so like minded ppl (jus to piss 'em off)Sincerely,~Prats

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