Monday, 30 April 2018

A Letter to the Person I Love from Anxiety

The best way for me to describe the feeling of anxiety is by first imagining that feeling you get before you do a big presentation in front of a group of people you don't know, butterflies, nausea, sweating - the lot. Then imagine having that feeling every day, sometimes for no reason at all.

In the past, I have spoken about my anxiety and history of depression early on in a relationship because I wanted the person I was falling for to know what to expect. Most say "I can handle it" or "I won't run away when things get hard" but I don't think they grasped the reality of it there and then. Anxiety and depression have ruined some of my relationships, simply because they did not understand and did not want to listen.

So I've put together a list (because that's what I do best) of all the things that I think somebody should know when they are dating someone with anxiety. Maybe you struggle with anxiety too and you might like to show this to the person you are with?

I feel guilty when I get anxious, I don't want you to see me this way. But I also want you to be there for me.

Please understand that when I'm grumpy and groggy in the mornings, it's not because of you. It's because my brain wouldn't switch off last night and I barely slept a wink.

Don't be offended if I seem disinterested in meeting your friends and family. I am totally petrified and want to make the best impression but the thought of people asking me a million questions about myself makes me feel sick to the stomach.

When I say "I can't control it" I really mean it. Please just hold my hand and help me through it.

If you can't be patient, if you refuse to understand and if you're going to get angry then I would rather you leave. I need stability and for you to love me and help me get through this, not make it worse.

Writing lists and planning helps me take control of my life so please don't think I'm trying to control you. I live a life where I feel constantly out of control and planning helps to manage and cope with these feelings.

Don't be disappointed if we haven't had sex in a while. My brain is in overdrive thinking about a million and one different things. Your patience will gain my trust and then I will want to be as close as I can to you.

If you stick by me through the lows, I'll be the best and most loyal girlfriend you've ever had. I promise. I'll be the golden retriever of all girlfriends.

But know my worth and feel as lucky as I do to have you. Because if you make me feel like an attention seeking annoyance that's not worth putting up with, I'll be walking away.

If you haven't found love yet because the people you have been with haven't understood or supported you, I'm here to say that person will come as there are some wonderful people in the world. My word of advice is trust until your trust is broken, don't make people earn your trust because this can be toxic (and I found out the hard way). As the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Since being in a relationship where I am understood, cared for and loved despite my flaws, I have realised that my anxiety does not define me. I am passionate, caring and loyal and make a damn good girlfriend when my emotional needs are met, and in fact, I'm a lot less anxious!

I would love to know your thoughts on this post so please either leave me a comment below or get in touch with me in confidence on social media. My DM's are always open.

7 comments

It's very difficult to describe it to those that don't suffer! I'm lucky in that I don't get it often, but when I do it can be random times and I don't know why! Thankfully it's not intense enough to interfere with every day life, I just get a bit quiet/agitated for a bit. Great letter x

Aw this is so lovely, such an amazing article! I have had such bad separation anxiety, first with my mum and then with my partner when we first got together >< I really didn't want to tell him because I was so embarrassed but it was long distance and I couldn't bear it when he had to go to work and I would check my phone repeatedly for the text that said he got there okay and once he didn't text and I ran home to my mum, saying we had to call the police and I didn't know what to do, it was hell on earth >< I struggled to let him go in to public toilets even! I really didn't want to be seen as a clingy person so it was so difficult to let him know I was struggling. Even years later when I was 33 weeks pregnant, I ran the hour long journey in to town because he hadn't called when I thought he was meant to be out of work >< and ended up with pre labour cramps! Sorry for the ramble haha, reading this meant so much to me :D xx

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