March 08, 2005

The Noble Paris Hilton

In their daily life, a performer must ply the trade that pays the bills as well as maintain the image they cultivate to keep them working. It’s like having 2 full time jobs, and this is what seems to cause performers’ to be a rather high-strung bunch. It’s seldom the physical act of their work that causes them grief, but rather the Care and Feeding of The Image that depletes their resources.

The Image should be an idealized version of the actual human performer, but many times The Image has scant few things in common with the actual human. The farther apart The Image and The Person are, the more labor (and labor force) is expended, thus cutting into the profit margin. So, performers who have created wholly fictitious versions of themselves– think Tom Cruise or Jennifer Garner – waste valuable creative time and money keeping the doppelganger alive before the media.

The entire celebrity gossip industry is based solely upon highlighting the differences between The Person and The Image. The narrower the gap between the two, the less money spent on PR damage control and the more money in the bank. The wider the gap between the two, the bigger the PR headaches, and it cuts into the profit margin.

This concept of a fabricated image affixed to a most unlikely candidate is certainly not new, and has kept the entertainment magazine industry in business for almost 90 years.

Hollywood Hypocrisy is not only big business, but also a fascinating board game with exacting rules of play. Those who show up for game night with snacks and follow the rules (again, Cruise or Garner) are winners. Lindsay Lohan’s ludicrous explanations and denials are like the brat kicking over the board because she’s losing. Folks like Benecio Del Toro or Jack Nicholson never sit at the gaming table, too busy sneaking smokes in the backyard.

And then there’s Paris Hilton. She’s inadvertently created a whole new game.

Has she ever denied each new public embarrassment? Hell no.

Has she ever employed damage control over any of these public embarrassments? Hell no.

Has she ever publicly apologized for any of these media crimes? Hell no.

Has she ever pretended to be anything? Hell no.

On this last point, let me clarify: She’s never strived to be anything other than a useless social heiress. It’s that the entertainment media feels a compulsion to turn her into something.

Wanna do a reality TV show?Oh, OK.

Wanna compile your “thoughts” into a book.What? OK.

Wanna “sing” over these disco backing tracks?Really? OK.

Wanna “model” in an ad campaign?Sure, why not?

Wanna host SNL?Not really, but OK.

It’s as if the media desperately needs to create a valid profession for her, so as not to feel so bad about wasting so much space on her. “Seinfeld” was proud of being a show about nothing. If Paris had a single thought, she, too, would be proud of being nothing. Why must the media try to complicate this gal’s life?

There is no celebrity more honest than Paris Hilton.

She possesses rare nobility, the likes of which Celebrity has never encountered.

Does this make her worthwhile?Hell no.

…nobility is just as tiresome as Paris Hilton.

P.S. TO FRED DURST (& lawyers)

Take a cue from Paris (a woman you claimed to once love so deeply) and basically ignore your leaked sex video. Most of the rest of us have, and it's unwise to make such a ruckus over so very, very, very little, my son.

Speaking of molehills: The girls never sue over leaked sex tapes. The guys always do. Another piece of evidence as to why there's never much male full-frontal nudity in the Men Run movie industry.