10 Savage Reviews of Paris Hilton's 2006 Album

Paris Hilton's ~classic~ self-titled debut studio album, Paris, turns 10 on Aug. 22. It's hard to believe a decade has gone by since the release of the album that gave the world gems like "Stars Are Blind" and "Turn It Up." Upon its release, critics wanted to hate it — and some did — but many couldn't help but be mildly, apologetically impressed by the heiress' catchy tunes. Here are their words:

2. "If an army of songwriters and million-dollar producers can make Paris Hilton listenable, even for only 38 minutes, then no one else with a major-label budget behind them has any excuse." —Stylus Magazine

3. "Though Storch and other heavy hitters do their best to craft reasonable facsimiles of a broad range of Today's Best Dance-Pop Hits, they can't hide the fact that Hilton's a shit singer who can't carry a tune even when the vocal melody is reproduced note-for-note in the arrangements." —NOW Magazine [Editor's note: Producers for the album included Dr. Luke, Scott Storch, and J.R. Rotem, who have worked with Katy Perry, Beyoncé, and Rihanna, respectively.]

5. "What's most surprising about Paris's album is that it's really not all that bad; released by any other, ahem, artist, it would likely earn better notices than recent albums by the likes of Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, or Ashlee Simpson — not that that's really saying much. [...] The hip-hop tracks, however, weigh the album down and it's obvious that, at first, producer Scott Storch had no clue what to do with Paris's thin but not unpleasant voice. She opens Paris by cooing like a porn star ('Uh, yeah, that's hot, uh, yeah, Scott Storch, yeah') and is relegated to a hood ornament on 'Fightin' Over Me,' which features Fat Joe and Jadakiss." —Slant Magazine

6. "Like cotton candy, the food group she most resembles, what may seem like a mouthful for a moment is gone in the blink of an eye, leaving a sweet aftertaste and empty calories behind." —Los Angeles Times

7. "She sings like a woman who has heard of something called singing, can't be sure of exactly what it might entail, but is fairly certain you do something a bit like this. She sounds both distracted and bored stiff, as if making an album is keeping her from the more serious business of standing around a nightclub in a pair of really enormous sunglasses. [...] Hilton has been quick to point out that singing is a vocation for which she is eminently skilled. 'I know music,' she reassured the Sunday Times children's section. 'I hear it every single day.' While this obviously gives Hilton a massive advantage over those who have never heard any music and thus believe it to be a variety of cheese, there remains the nagging suspicion that this might not represent sufficient qualification for a career as a singer, in much the same way as knowing what a child is does not fully equip you for a career as a consultant paediatrician." —The Guardian

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8. "The bits which 'aren't bad' are the bits which don't involve Ms Hilton." —MusicOMH.com

9. "Which brings us to the Paris Hilton single, 'Stars Are Blind,' which is so lovely and decent, I want to stab out my eyeballs. [...] And yet … 'Stars Are Blind' — its glossy veneer, its fake reggae flavor. She even sings on key. Granted, there are 50 Paris Hilton's voices overlaid upon each other — the idea that, if you put enough Cubic Zirconia in one setting, perhaps it will sparkle like a diamond — and I have hated on other, ostensibly more talented artists for the same enveloping technique (i.e. my beloved Rihanna). [...] For now, Paris gets a reluctant pass." —Pitchfork

10. "Amazingly, that long-to-materialize album (it's hard to call it highly anticipated) turns out to be shockingly good — and not just according to a grading curve for actors-turned-singers. After all, Paris was never an actress to begin with; she was a media creation who peddled the same image to a number of different formats, and it just so happens that her sexy, spoiled, shallow act is perfectly suited for bubblegum pop." —AllMusic.com

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