In Honor Of Columbus Day: 7 Great Movie Explorers

A mere 519 years ago, Italian explorer Christopher Columbus discovered America. Kinda bullsh*t that he had to work on a bank holiday, but whatever, we got a country out of the deal.

He is unquestionably one of the greatest explorers in history. In fact, I'd be hard-pressed to name more than a few others. Unless those explorers had a movie based on their trials and travails. In which case, I'm a real history buff.

Carl Fredricksen and Russell - Up

You're never too old to become an explorer. Carl Fredricksen learns this after using thousands of helium balloons to convert his house into an airship and set its course for Paradise Falls, South America. He picks up Russell by mistake and brings him along for the exotic adventure. Technically, they weren't the first to discover Paradise Falls but they were the only explorers to survive their visit there. So, points go to them.

Edwards & Hunt - Almost Heroes

Sure, everyone knows about Lewis and Clarke. But Edwards and Hunt have sadly been lost to history. Who would have thought that there was a rival gang of overweight explorer fighting bears, Indians, and eagles while trying to discove the Pacific Ocean? Where's their holiday??

Baron Munchausen - The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

The German equivalent on Paul Bunyan, Baron Munchchausen started wars, fought gods and sea monsters, saw Uma Thurman naked, and traveled via a hot air balloon. Only the best explorers travel via balloon (See: Up and Around the World In 80 Days).

Jim Lovell, Fred Haise, and Jack Swigert - Apollo 13

Tom Hanks, Bill Paxton, and Kevin Bacon star as the real-life astronauts of the failed lunar landing who nearly die when their ship malfunctions. Fighting freezing cold conditions, the crew are able to set a difficult manual course correction that leads them back to Earth rather than become skeletons floating around the inky void. Granted, they didn't make it to the moon but they did make it off the planet. I'm not one to judge. I've ordered Chinese from the place across the street.

Jackson and O'Neil - Stargate

Sure, Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas and all that good stuff but that hardly holds a candle to James Spader and Kurt Russell's discovery of another galaxy. If that weren't enough, they stop the he/she guy from The Crying Game from blowing up Earth with a nuclear bomb. Columbus looks like a real dildo in comparison to that.

The Goonies taught us that there's so much to discover just outside our own front door. Then down a big hill and over to the coast. Then through the basement of an abandoned seaside restaurant. But still, adventure! Right where you least expected it.

Christopher Columbus - 1492: Conquest of Paradise

It's his day. We kinda had to give it to him. Plus, he was portrayed by renowned carpet pisser Gerard Depardieu. No image brings me more happiness than envisioning Depardieu's Columbus dropping trou and whizzing on the Santa Maria while a frustrated Ridley Scott goes back to his Rubik's Cube.