Spoof news stories from Friday 17 December 2010

Ads for new products in the plumbing industry tend to sizzle with lackluster. Eyelids are at half-mast when the latest drain cleaner ad airs on network TV and even when the secret ingredient is plastic explosives.
There is however a new plumbing...

Top Ten Norfolk and good
In no particular order
The Scottish soccer team
The Engerland soccer team
The Engerland 3 lions World Cup bid losers
The snow and ice
Cheryl Cole miming
The UK coalition government - had to be in there somewhere
The Irish bailout
The subsidy of £100bn to HSBC, Lloyds, RBS and Barclays
The very low Interest Rates (If you've got money in the bank you're a loser...

The mood in the Chelsea camp this morning was typically bullish, as Chelsea promised to not only beat Manchester United at Stamford Bridge, but to thrash, bash, trash and whiplash the northerners into submission. And then rub their noses in it.
Wi...

As snow continues to blanket the continent, bringing traffic, pub crawling, and riots in the street to a near halt, police are on full alert as sightings of an 'Abominable Snowman" continue to pore in from terrified council residents.
Described b...

Big hair is making a comeback among males, and that's official! The days of Britons sporting baldy headshaves to hide natural baldness are now gone, or at least, not in fashion any more, as the younger generation males rebel against close cropped hea...

FIFA$ $tar Trek HQ, Qatar: When ruling footballing body FIFA, gave the tournament to the Arab state Qatar, despite its lack of stadia, infrastructure and footballing pedigree, $tar Trek Blatter was taking football it to new frontiers!
During the...

London - (Yule-Be-Sorry!): The mood is grim at Hellfire Club HQ ahead of Tuesday's solar ingress into Capricorn.
Ancient files published this week describe the Illuminatis' rage of 1554 when some dimwit last dared leak their sordid secrets.
The...

Washington Redskins Head Coach Mike Shanahan has announced that, rather than just replacing starting quarterback Donovan McNabb with former Bears washout Rex Grossman, he will field an all-white team when they play the Dallas Cowboys next Sunday. Jus...

The verb "to assange" has been officially added to the Oxbridge English dictionary this week, in honour of the whiney attention-seeker Julian Assange.
"To assange" is officially defined as "to act in a criminal manner and then to behave smugly and...

Sepp Blatter, the Swiss head of FIFA, the global football association, has apologised for remarks he made last week which could have been construed as homophobic.
Mr Blatter was commenting on Dubai's election as host nation of the 2022 football Wo...

A terrible torturer of cats, known only by the name Korkuc, fled from his home town of Buffalo to Maryland in America in a vain attempt to avoid the police.
When the Maryland cops heard what Kurkuc had done they agreed immediately to have him extr...

Hello!
And welcome the Christmas edition of our magazine.
In this issue, we will be looking at the gas bill and how to reduce it by using a wood burner when business is slow.
How to decorate a lamp shade with toe nails and what to do with the left over nuts and bolts.
Harry Burnice, attendant at Crowther crem has offered to cook your turkeys if your oven is a bit small. He only has roo...

Julian Assange, in his first statement since being released on bail, said that the accusations by the two Swedish women who accused him of diving into their Wiki's unprotected, smelled "fishy" to him.
While neither confirming nor denying having se...

The Sun newspaper has today printed an unreserved apology to Liverpool Football Club, relatives of the 96 victims of the Hillsborough tragedy, and all other decent honest people.
The front page consisted entirely of the headline "WE LIED! WE ARE...

Archeologists in Syria have discovered a modern terrorist hideout amongst ancient ruins located near the King Habibi Airport. Thousand year old artifacts were discovered along with skeletal parts during the construction of a Habibi Hummus fast food...

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, has responded to a question about whether the President thinks it's wise to take the gas guzzling Air Force One to Hawaii for Christmas when the country is reeling with double digit unemployment and $3.00 per gallon gas.

Whenever I get to thinking that I might have a bit on the ball, might have a goodly functioning brain, or might have a decent amount of common sense, I do something that causes me to really, really wonder.
To kick her off today, I think most of us middle-aged types still want to convince ourselves that we can do the same things we did back when we were younger. We want to think that we can be...

Queen Elizabeth's sensational decision to reject her invitation to the Royal Variety Show in order to go underwear shopping with prospective family member Kate Middleton has sent shockwaves through the Royal Family.
Her Majesty, spotted in a quie...

Derrick Jeter, frustrated by lack of new big honking contract, has forsaken baseball for cricket and Christianity for Hinduism.
Effective March 1, 2011 Derek Jeter will suit up in the orange and more orange of the Mumbai Monkeys. Contract and...

HOLLYWOOD - The spokesperson for the celebrity dancing reality show, Dancing With The Stars Fairfax Atchafalaya, has just announced that Larry King has agreed to be a contestant on the next edition of Dancing With The Stars.
King, who will turn 97...

LOS ANGELES - Larry King, the man who in his 53 years in the broadcasting world conducted over 50,000 interviews, finally uttered that cute little bye bye phrase 'sayonara y'all.'
The host of Live With Larry King was assisted on his last ever show...

The world's richest football club, Manchester City, have this morning announced that they are to sell their entire squad of players, and start all over again from the very beginning.
Sky Blues manager Roberto Mancity told a news conference that, d...

After a sensational contest in the Ukrainian Parliament, resulting in six opposition MPs being taken to hospital with concussion, the application by Ukraine to join the EEC was unanimously approved in Brussels today.
In Ukraine, as Opposition MPs...

Hospitalized after testing modifications to his sleigh in flight, Santa Claus sustained numerous facial injuries and may not be released from North Pole Community Hospital by December 24th, doctors say.
The multiple lacerations and deep cuts rece...

With Congressional agreement to extend the Bush Era tax cuts, thanks in large part to actual non-partisan "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" negotiations, President Obama's internal poll shows immediate and firm growth, bringing satisfaction...

Though competition was stiff for the honor of being voted CQ Magazine's "Pointless Man of the Year", the winner with more than 65% of the voting was the forgettable and regrettable, Spencer Pratt.
Claim to fame being nothing more than existing as...

A local man, earning a few extra quid at a local retail shop, was arrested today for gross misconduct after it was found he was enjoying quite remarkable sex with teachers on holiday posing for pictures on his lap, whilst wearing a crotchless red sno...

Republican House Speaker hopeful, John Boehner, recently commenting on the vote to extend unemployment benefits for the nation's millions of unemployed workers, claimed that no one in this country should be getting a free ride. "If the unemployed wan...

The Biologists of the Human Anatomy conducted a world wide survey as to what is the most popular body part, the resounding, overwhelming response has been the vagina. The study was financed by a federal grant.
Throughout history the vagina has played a major role in conquest and war. Armadas of ships have set sail all for the love of vagina. Men of the world have died in battle or been killed...

Women rejoice! A new line of specially designed tight-fitting jeans has been developed by the fashion house of renowned designer Frederico de Frisco. According to de Frisco, these jeans will negate the need for sex; meaning, ladies can now have a par...

The latest cable leak from WikiLeaks goes some way to explain why China has so much available cash in a time when the West is strapped.
Leaked cables from US officials shine light on what has been suspected for some time now the fact that the Chin...

Cerebrating his first executive success since he was elected, President Obama is sending VP Joe Biden and Trade Envoy Hho Nhu Bill Wen to Afghanistan to help celebrate Harmid Karzai's ever expanding empire of capitalistic enterprises.
Karzi, who i...

In a carefully planned experiment yesterday, the Facebook social networking system was suddenly shut down for half an hour. During the outage careful measurements were made of world business activity. If results are as expected, there will have bee...

Frankie Boyle (star of comedy and son of Susan Boyle) has been sensationally struck off Katie Price's Christmas card list.
In a public demonstration against Boyle's joke on his latest TV show she took a permanent marker and crossed his name out on...

Cowell and Monopoly team up to bring us a new game just in time for Christmas.
In it you no longer pass 'Go' but rather pass the audition stage after 10 minutes of unceremoniously begging to Danni's large fake breasts.
Land on the wrong square...

The long-awaited all-party report on 'Christmas in England' was finally published today in time for inclusion in the Queen's Christmas message.
The enquiry that led to the report was set up to examine and make recommendations about key controversi...

It's not every day that you find a piece of farm machinery whilst rummaging around under your 9-year-old son's bed, but that is exactly what happened to one young mum as she cleaned-up in her son's bedroom at the weekend.
Karen Low-Cal, 46, from S...

It may be the season to be jolly, but electricity companies have failed to see the jolly side over Chris Borbal's festive decorations.
Borbal, who lives in Ashton-under-lyne near Manchester, has been adding to his Christmas lights display for the...

The government was in turmoil today when hundreds of old age pensioners descended on Downing street and caused considerable damage to buildings and public property during hours of rioting.
Home Office spokesperson, Askew Smythe, said the governmen...

Panama City, FL. - School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman's vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. "God was standing in front of me, and I'...

Top BBC totty Julia Bradbury flashed a nipple at an awards ceremony last night, infuriating a writer on satirical news web site TheSpoof in the process.
The Countryfile presenter was wearing a slinky, backless black number to the Night Of Heroes A...

WASILLA, Alaska - The youngest of the Palin daughters, nine-year-old Piper Palin, is one little Alaskan girl who is not the least bit shy about speaking her mind.
Piper, who was named after the airplane, talked to her elementary school teacher Mrs...

SWEET LIPS, Tennessee - John Travolta was visiting an old high school friend, Prentice Paddywhack, who lives in Sweet Lips Tennessee, when he learned about the comment that the former Princess Leia, aka Carrie Fisher had made about him being the type...

LOS ANGELES - One of the custodians at The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic where Lindsay Lohan has been confined spoke with a reporter for Left Coast Mirror Magazine about the freckled face diva-prima donna.
Enzo Rudolphowitz, 49, said that he s...

NEW YORK CITY - Heidi Montag was in New York City on a Christmas shopping trip. She told her cousin Mavis Frackenhaus that she had received a call from an unnamed New York Yankees player.
Montag informed Mavis that the nameless player had asked to...

Go to the back of your kitchen cupboard and what do you find?
A ten-year-old tin of fruit salad in syrup? A tin of stewed beef?
Well, according to a new survey, every household in Britain has 11 items in the kitchen cupboard that will never be...

He's completed the last edition of his TV show "Larry King Live" on CNN.
But that's not the biggest challenge in Larry King's life. No, that would be learning to live without his beloved red suspenders. He reports that the theft occurred on the...

Stop and think about it for a minute. Santa Claus really is the smartest Outlaw alive!
After all he is a stateless person isn't he?!? Living in the north pole, would mean that he may very well fall under international law as a stateless person, thus meaning he doesn't pay any taxes, doesn't have to comply with government regulations and is not subject to municipal fees and charges for everythin...

Buckingham Palace sources have revealed that the US President and First Lady will not receive an invitation to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. This is despite the fact that US Presidents attended the weddings of Prince Charles and P...