Wednesday, May 29, 2013

K: Uhhhhhhhh gross?C: He was my practice patient in lab earlier. For, like, a cleaning.K: What? Did you FLOSS him??C: Um, yesss …K: I don’t know how you can think about kissing him anymore. Or even talk to him. After your hands were in his mouth. As a dentist I would be too embarrassed to see any patient more than once I think.C: Well anyway, in between the various cleaning tools or whatever he was teasing me, SORT of? By like, making fun of Chicago. He was like, “Your hometown is the most promiscuous city. I read it in an article.”K: IS that teasing you? Or is that like. Pointing out a statistic.C: It’s the dumbest kind of flirting.K: It’s like, “Something about you is horrible and I don’t like it.”C: He is so cute though. Sooooo cute.K: He doesn’t seem that cute.C: Yeah he’s not that cute.

The Text

Him: What are ur hobbies interests?

The Analysis

K: Are there really no commas or backslashes or anything? “Hobbies interests.”J: No. And it’s “your” like “u-r.”K: You’re not going to respond, right? You can’t possibly respond.J: He is reeeeaaaaallllyyyyyyy hotttttttttttt.K: Is that worth it, though? I mean, haha, what am I talking about. I sort of know that it is but I felt like someone should say that out loud. For the record.J: It’s good that he’s showing an interest in my personality, though, isn’t it? That’s what you do when you like someone.K: Are you asking me? I don’t know. I have no idea.J: It is. I think. I’m going to say, ummm, ahhh … “water sports.”K: Wait. WHAT?J: What? I was on the swim team in high school. I’m taking a water aerobics class at school. That counts. I sent it.K: That isn’t … that’s not—J: Look, I’m not going to tell him, oh, knitting and watching Chopped, am I?K: That sounds great to me.J: He wrote back “lol, cool, what kind.”K: What are you going to say? I’m worried about how long this could go on for.J: I don’t know. I think I need to look at his Facebook pictures to get re-motivated.

The Text

Him: It was great to meet you. :) I had a lot of fun.

The Analysis

K: I can’t think of anything funny or charming to say under these high-pressure situations and this is why I avoid them!!!!C: You don’t have to be THAT charming back. This is just, like, the post-date evaluation to see whether you both want to go on another one.K: But if I text back something STUPID, he won’t WANT to go out again. I mean, god. Think things through for once in your life.C: Anything you say WILL BE FINE. Almost anything.K: So I’ll just be like, “Same … and same.” Is that what you think is appropriate here? Oh my god, I’m starting to die.C: Yeah, no, that is not … great.K: I seriously get unlikeable as soon as someone likes me.C: Maybe say something about the museum you went to, like, “I learned a lot about … whatever thing.”K: I actually DON’T want it to sound like I’m turning in a book report?C: Haha. “In conclusion…”K: Can I just not respond at all? Is that mysterious? And he’d be like, “whoa, whaaaat, she didn’t even say ANYthing, I’m very intrigued, she is alluringly distant, I better just ask her out again now without any more lollygagging or interpretable punctuation?” Is that … a thing?C: If you do that he’ll for sure think you don’t want to go on another date.K: The first one feels so long ago now that I honestly don’t even remember if I do.

The Text

Him: Okay, we’ll see you then. Stay warm.

The Analysis

R: This is the type of bullshit that I hate. A cute guy should not say nice or thoughtful things when he appears to be dating someone else. Ever.K: I know. It’s like, don’t comment on the temperature conditions of my body unless you want to be on it.R: What does he care if I freeze to death? He literally does not care.K: Well.R: Ugh, and this WOULD be a flirtatious thing to say, if he were flirting with me. You know?K: Totally. That’s why I feel like there should just not even be any words or phrases that work both as flirting and as everyday language. It isn’t actually fair, because I am so tired.R: We should make up a separate flirting language.K: I feel like maybe us speaking an invented language at hot guys is not necessarily going to help our situations?R: Well not NOW, no. It would be for the good of our descendants.K: Haha, but we probably won’t have any. Right? Because of this very problem!!!R: For everyone else’s descendants, then. Goddd. It’s like we have to do everything around here.

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to. Her first book, Never Have I Ever, can be preordered on Amazon or IndieBound.

The term business logistics has evolved since the 1960s due to the increasing complexity of supplying businesses with materials and shipping out products in an increasingly globalized supply chain, leading to a call for professionals called "supply chain logisticians". In business, logistics may have either an internal focus (inbound logistics) or an external focus (outbound logistics), covering the flow and storage of materials from point of origin to point of consumption.driving jobs

@Emby Okay, now I'm cracking up because the dictionary definitions of "flirt" sound like the experience of dating someone in chronological order:

noun
1 behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions
• experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously
• deliberately expose oneself to (danger or difficulty)
2 (of a bird) wave or open and shut (its wings or tail) with a quick flicking motion.
• move back and forth with a flicking or fluttering motion

I kind of envy people who can still hear "watersports" and think "oh, like waterskiing or parasailing?" instead of "dude, why are you telling me that your sex life involves urine? I mean, no judgment, your kink is not my kink but it's okay and all that, but I hardly see how it's relevant to our conversation...wait, you sail. Okay. Cool."

@nonvolleyball YES to both of these, actually. When I first saw "water sports" I was thinking "NONONONONOOOOO don't do it!". And also I giggle (not always aloud) whenever someone says "facial", because I am a mature adult.

@packedsuitcase & now I know that "reefer" has a non-drug-related meaning. thanks, packedsuitcase/wikipedia!

@fondue with cheddar for reasons too complex/embarrassing to recount, my friends & I have a running joke of singing "Jukebox Hero" as "Hot! Lunch! Hero..." (which I wouldn't even mention here if not for the Wet Hot American Summer connection). I'd also pretty much forgotten there was a non-lewd meaning for that particular phrase.

@nonvolleyball Haha, that's fantastic. I work at a print/copy shop, and we run into stuff that has dirty double meanings all the time (facials are a favorite). Fortunately it's a pretty laid back place so if there's ever a dirty joke to be made, we are free to make it.

Yesterday a coworker had a sign on their desk that someone wanted another copy of, and it said, "Visitors must display badge at all times." I stuck a post-it on the "b" to turn it into a "v." We may be grossly underpaid but at least we have fun.

@fondue with cheddar Australia=Oz! We don't like to say complete words. I know it should technically be Oss, but that would sound weird, and we say Aussie (that's pronounced Ozzie, America) for Australian, so...

@iceberg AH, that makes sense now that I know that "Aussie" is pronounced "Ozzie" and not "Awe-see." Can you tell I've never known an actual Australian? Well, besides you and other 'Pinners? I mean...people who I actually hear speaking words with their voices?

@fondue with cheddar Hahaha I had no idea what you were talking about until @martinipie stepped in and then I was like, oh yeah wasn't that a show about a prison or something? ETA - I mean, my Oz DID start out as a penal colony, so, close?

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood My friend literally just copied your comment and sent it to me. She prefaced it with "Also, this is kind of you (I say in the most loving way possible)"

@Hopeyglass Seriously, there should be some kind of karmic cash payback for spending an entire evening playing with your hair, laughing with your head thrown back, and toying fake-shyly with your drink at a dude only to have your friend say, as you leave the party, "Oh, Seth? Yeah, he's great! I ran into him and his girlfriend at Whole Foods yesterday; she's so pretty."

@par_parenthese Seriously, I am at an age (late 20s) where everyone awesome seems to have a girlfriend. I usually find it out by Facebook stalking them after we meet (charmingly...) which is rather labor-intensive and always disappointing.

Recently, though, a hot Italian dude was flirting with me all night, and when I looked him up on FB later his profile name was literally "Alessio Giulia's Husband" with a profile pic of her kissing him. Since he shaved a good 15 minutes off my internet stalking, and his profile appears to have been created BY HIS FIANCEE TO WARD OFF POTENTIALLY INTERESTED FEMALES, I couldn't help having a good laugh. Modern life!

@par_parenthese YES I was not donating all that flirting time and energy to prop up your flagging self esteem, not-available people! I don't care if you're having a goddamn crisis and need to feel pretty I need to get laid!

I should probably add that this rant is from past available-me, as current me is one of said unavailable people and tries to make that clear early on in flirty times

@par_parenthese As a person who has a person but still talks to other people when I'm out and about, I'd like to throw in that sometimes we don't think we're flirting; we just think we're being nice and engaged in a conversation. (Caveat: I am a lady, so that might change things?)

@MilesofMountains I don't usually get hit on or do any flirting with available straight acquaintances and strangers so thankfully it's not usually a problem. One benefit to rarely venturing outside of my circle I guess.

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose As a person without a person (and not wanting a person) can we talk about how I don't know how to flirt/don't have any interest in flirting, but occasionally look back on conversations in which I was just being my terribly clever self and all-around friendly and that has been interpreted as flirting? Talking to other humans is just plain stressful.

@MarianTheLibrarian As a person with a person (and not looking for a second person), I also have this problem. Usually it happens around 2 drinks in, but good LAWD I become clever and just can't help myself with the friendliness. I have ended up in very confusing conversations because of this.

I basically completely stopped flirting because I had no interest in dating for a long time, and also guys I knew would still hit on me, so I sort of felt like, well, what's the point? But now I sort of miss it? Like that article from The Atlantic that was linked here last week, about how no men are charming, and I feel like I totally bought into the idea that charm didn't matter, but now it feels so absent and life's a little boring.

But how do you suddenly go from never flirting, to flirting for fun, or maybe being a bit sexy for fun, without everyone thinking you're suddenly interested in bedding them? It's like, impossible, right?

@iknowright i'm not single, but sometimes i like to practice-flirt with people in stores or coffee shops. i did it in reverse when i was a salesperson, too - there's not a ton of difference between being really friendly and practice-flirting, i find. (definitely don't do this if your "flirting" is actually "leer creepily" or "make inappropriate comments", though)

@rosinator @karenb But what do you do when they respond to your flirting and try to make something happen? Isn't that, like, a pain? I deal with enough sexist bullshit otherwise, I'd hate to have a guy be like, "but you were all over me! Why would you lead me on?" And then be mad and then have me be mad at him being mad. I'm probably overthinking this but, guh, feeeelllings.

@iknowright i never really ran into it, since these weren't people i saw on a day to day basis - like, maybe don't flirt with your barista that you see every morning and knows your order, but go ahead and flirt with the guy behind the counter at a restaurant you've been to all of twice? and if that guys approaches you with an actual proposition, you say "oh, i'm sorry to be misleading, i was just trying to be friendly" and then never see them again, i guess. "all over me" is totally subjective, but i assume it won't also be literal, because in that case you may be on your own? but also free to say no, and not worry about his hurt feelings too much.

@iknowright ... No one's ever tried to make something happen. Ha. (I am going to tell myself) I think it's because what I'm talking about is very sort of light-hearted and friendly, and not like filled with innuendo or whatever. Oh and also, I hear you on the sexist bullshit. If I think a guy is going to misconstrue friendliness, I am polite & nothing more with him.

@iceberg
Okay, crisis of confidence mode: I had completely eliminated "lol"s from my life until I started playing an online game on the regular, and one where text-based convo is the default (although voice is semi-available). It's just... so short to type; conveys "I thought that was funny when you teased me back about that thing, I'm not at all mad about this conversation" quickly; is all-around super-convenient? (Apply this also to emoticons, which I use WAY too often in there.)

@ThatWench i will forgive you if you type your LOLs in all caps as acronyms ought to be, and don't use them inappropriately as punctuation ("something something, lol." a PERIOD WHY WOULD YOU USE JUST A PERIOD IF YOU'RE LAUGHING SO MUCH?!) or in business emails for gods sake. not that you would but oy vey.

I was just on the pot the other day and randomly thought of how much I missed Reading Between the Texts and thought you'd never come back. That's probably not an appropriate thing to share here, but um. ::tries to whistle nonchalantly while walking away::

@BoozinSusan
No, toilet lady, don't be shamed. I was thinking this very thing while re-re-re-re-analyzing a text from last week. On the pot. Because what else can I do during my bathroom time than obsess about men! /patriarchy

This is my favorite column. Like, can we all pressure Katie Heaney to get an OKCupid account and go on questionable dates so she can analyze more terrible conversations? I mean that would be cruel and exploitative but it would bring me such delight.

@Diana One of my friends does that, only instead of meeting them in person she just posts their terrible messages to her and we laugh at them on Google+. Actually, that would make a pretty awesome Hairpin article. Oh no! Not again!

@Katie Heaney oh god i made this up maybe?? I swear it used to be the banner title (because it was always instantly the most popular thing on the website) at least or something. cuz it's slightly shorter and fit the box?

@Angry Panda I have always hated flirting because of all of the reasons listed above, plus I'm socially awkward and tend to pick on guys as flirting, because I'm a 5 year old boy I guess? My husband does the same thing, so we spend a lot of time pulling each other's pigtails. Not an innuendo.

If you think Sandra`s story is unbelievable,, 1 week ago my sister in law basically actually earnt $8634 working a seventeen hour week at home and the're buddy's step-sister`s neighbour did this for three months and recieved a check for over $8634 in their spare time at there mac. apply the guidelines from this address, Bow6.com

I'm SO GLAD this column is back (for now).
I looooove analyzing texts. And I also looooove analyzing messages from guys on dating sites. Once I got a message from a guy that said "He is a Major Worm." and I responded, "What is that supposed to even mean?" and he said , "Oh sorry wrong person." YEAH RIGHT DUDE. I will never forget that.

I analyzed texts from my boy-thing for a looong time then forced myself to stop. Although, when he doesn't respond in a timely manner I still think, "HE BETTER BE ASLEEP!" Because I know that he is probably watching South Park and can definitely take the time to say at least, "Ok love you forever xoxxo" to my inane questions!
Boyz. Gotta luv 'em.

This is so perfectly timed! Hairpinverse: can you help me?!? This is real time shit.
Backstory: Boy. Cute. Dates. Etc etc. Week-long silence. Random text last weekend because he saw me walking down the street. Two (declined) booty-call texts over the weekend.
Just now, text received, "Gawd it's hot." (I'm in NYC.)
On the one hand, he's kind of fun. On the other, kind of annoying. Hot and cold. Anyone?

A person necessarily assist to make severely posts I would state. This is the first time I frequented your web page and up to now? I surprised with the analysis you made to create this actual put up incredible. Wonderful task! vigrx plus coupon code

Very nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have truly loved surfing around your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing on your rss feed and I hope you write once more soon! vigrx plus ingredients

Nice information, valuable and excellent design, as share good stuff with good ideas and concepts, lots of great information and inspiration, both of which I need, thanks to offer such a helpful information here.Lake Oswego Hotel