Stressed Out of My Mind, Had To Cancel Attending a Function Tonight

Should have gone to a gay & lesbian mixer tonight, as we do monthly. Comprised of business owners, attorneys, realtors, insurance people, elected officials, bankers, etc, all kinds of professionals. And at this time of year, any number of candidates running for public office, who are either gay or lesbian themselves, or are straights courting our votes.

But my husband didn't look good. I convinced him to go to bed and rest, and cancel going tonight. I'm very worried about his heart. His not giving me any argument was telling, despite my knowing he had special reasons for wanting to attend tonight.

He had a triple heart bypass a few years ago. I saw some similar patterns like I did tonight, though more severe then. I compelled him to go with me to the ER at that time. They later told me he was actually about to have a heart attack, in the early stages, but they stopped it, without permanent heart muscle damage. And then he had the bypass surgery, that I authorized.

Tonight when he woke back up I hinted we might go to the hospital. He got more agitated, so I dropped it. Had I judged it more urgent I would have called 911 and the EMT would have given him no choice.

In the meantime, while he had been sleeping, I was having kittens, as they say. And you know what I did? To distract myself before I had a breakdown?

I ran the Roomba robot vacuum! Honest to gawd! And sat there and watched it running all around. Anything to keep myself occupied. And when he woke up it was still running, so I opened the bedroom door to let it enter, and explained to him what it was doing, because he really never sees the thing.

And I hoped it would distract his mind, too, because he's also been under a lot of stress lately. Of his own making, quite frankly, since he takes on too many community projects, many of his own creation.

Well, he seemed interested & amused by the damn thing scooting around our bedroom, and he really did begin to seem better, more relaxed. You know, you live with a guy for 9 nine years and you do truly get to know your man.

But I do fear another bypass operation is looming, just like his older brother, who's had 3 (and still alive at 89). He refuses to give up fried and greasy foods, and things like Italian sausages, that clog his arteries as fast as the doctors can correct them. I dunno - what do I do with a guy like that?

Sorry to say this, but I walked in on a similar situation in the early 90's. Unusual to find this guy napping on the sofa in the middle of the day and looking a little pale and sounding a little breathless. Two of us present had some rudimentary medical technology training from many years previous and neither one of us jumped on it. I still could kick myself again and again. A day or so later he did have a heart attack. My advice is to get your man SOMEWHERE, even just a doc-in-the-box kind of place if he doesn't want a hospital. They can do an assessment and say it's nothing or help make some decisions if something IS going on. It's usually quick, they're glad to see you, and they take even the smallest complaint seriously. They definitely do EKGs. Think of it this way: What can it hurt if you DO go? A little wounded pride maybe. What can it hurt if you DON'T go? You both will be in my thoughts this evening and throughout the night.

JDuderrr saidSorry to say this, but I walked in on a similar situation in the early 90's. Unusual to find this guy napping on the sofa in the middle of the day and looking a little pale and sounding a little breathless. Two of us present had some rudimentary medical technology training from many years previous and neither one of us jumped on it. I still could kick myself again and again. A day or so later he did have a heart attack. My advice is to get your man SOMEWHERE, even just a doc-in-the-box kind of place if he doesn't want a hospital. They can do an assessment and say it's nothing or help make some decisions if something IS going on. It's usually quick, they're glad to see you, and they take even the smallest complaint seriously. They definitely do EKGs. Think of it this way: What can it hurt if you DO go? A little wounded pride maybe. What can it hurt if you DON'T go? You both will be in my thoughts this evening and throughout the night.

Thanks, and your advice is good, and appreciated. Now YOU try getting him to see a doctor.

He's a stubborn, bull-headed half Sicilian and half Italian (he makes a distinction between them). He says it himself. He has to be nearly unconscious, or heavily sedated in the hospital before I can order his treatments (I have legal Health Care Surrogate authority).

This is what tears me apart. Why I am so stressed.

You think he wanted that triple bypass that likely saved his life? I ordered it, when he was in no condition to overrule me. Or approved a desperate last-dtich procedure that saved his right leg, that was already marked with the amputation lines? I saw them myself, they'd actually drawn the dashed line above his knee. When he was too drugged to decide anything. It succeeded, and he still has that leg today.

And then his major strokes. I was able to give the doctors proof that the first stroke hit less than an hour earlier. Which meant they could use certain approaches that might be dangerous otherwise. And I authorized that treatment. Today no one can believe he had 2 strokes, or any stroke at all. He's not impaired in any way, even his speech is unaltered.

When people comment on that, I say that any speech impediment you hear today is because he's an Italian from Boston. And he smacks me. LOL!

So I've been through some difficult times with him. It's what you do with a guy. And he puts up with some s*** from me, I'm sure he'd be glad to tell you. But today I was stressed, I've gone down this road before, so thanks for your thoughts and kindness.

UndercoverMan saidGet him checked out ASAP. Don't second guess yourself.

Thanks. I don't believe it's an emergency yet. But I'll arrange to have him properly evaluated. Naturally behind his back, sorta ease him into it. I'm marvelously devious when I need to be.

A problem is that he has a left bundle branch block, a cardiac nerve signal issue. It means the sides of his heart don't always beat in unison. He may soon need a pacemaker, as his older brother wears (his entire family has heart problems).

But you can't even say pacemaker to him. He just explodes. Won't even discuss it. I mean he just goes ballistic and storms out of the room.

So that his EKG is always irregular. The doctors can't read anything useful from it. If I took him to a doctor he/she wouldn't find anything meaningful in the office.

A cath into his heart is the only way they can observe blockage. As they found before, when he had the bypass. I think he may need another, like his brother did. But getting him in there again is gonna be an epic battle. He doesn't want that surgery again.

How I'll manage it is the challenge. And why I'm being stressed to the max.

Just keep an eye on his movement and note down any irregularity that you notice. Has he been keeping his blood pressure in check? Is it normal?

My uncle has also undergone by-pass surgery two years ago. His arteries were clogged around from 97% to 99%. Of course, it has taken a lot of soul searching on his part and my aunt's about what kind of diet he undertakes. Thankfully, the surgery shook him into eating healthy and clean.

I wish you and your husband good health and hopefully it is nothing serious and just a minor trick of day in time.

UndercoverMan saidTake care of yourself too! You will be no good to yourself or him if you stress yourself out.

You may try appealing to his compassion and tell him how stressed you are over his health and that it would greatly relieve your anxiety if he would see a doctor.

Thanks, I appreciate your concern, and thoughts.

But I'm tougher than tough. I've been through far worse. You ever had a partner die in your arms? Had to administer CPR to your own father? Seen fellow soldiers die in front of you? And this same guy had strokes in my presence that required emergency help, and a near heart attack.

That was a real challenge, because not all heart attacks are dramatic like you see portrayed on screen. Nor were my Dad's. The stress is knowing if, and when you should do something, overriding their objections, their reluctance to face the truth and let you call the ambulance. That's a difficult judgment call if you have no medical training, like me.

I just need to take myself away for a few moments, and shake myself out, take a break. Writing this thread was part of that. So perhaps you'll forgive me the self-indulgence. He seems to be feeling better now, and so do I.

But I'll still be staying awake tonight, to watch over him. So expect to see me posting on RJ at all hours, to keep myself from falling asleep.

MuchMoreThanMuscle saidVery sorry that you're experiencing all of this, Art.

I hope you get your partner the medical attention he needs and that he will be fine.

Thank you for your kind words. He's much better this morning. But I'm still not satisfied with his appearance, I'm working on something now. He's got a cardiologist, that he's had since his heart bypass, but that guy's difficult to see. There's a routine appointment for June, I'm trying to get another sooner.

BTW, I had planned to stay awake all last night. But I decided this office was too far away from the bedroom. So I went in there to lie beside him, and watched a muted TV with closed captions, as I usually do when he sleeps.

Well, you can guess what happened. Sometime after 2 AM I simply dozed off, I'd had a long, busy and stressful day. Woke back up before dawn, saw he was OK, then continued to doze on and off, waking repeatedly to check him, until 9 when I got up. He finally woke up after 10, which is late for him. But I was glad he got the rest.

Thanks. Yeah, all I have to do is look into a mirror to see how much getting old sucks! LOL! And odd the way it affects different people at different rates, it seems.

Well, genetics, of course, and the life we've lived, including our diet, exercise, and other habits (plus vices). A good friend of ours is turning 70, roughly 3 years older than me, and he could pass for 55. Great physical shape, looks good, sharp mind, still runs a private business from his home.

We have another friend who's 61, and looks every bit of it, if not older. Had a quadruple bypass over a year ago when he had his second heart attack, his first attack 10 years before. Non-smoker, drinks socially but not to excess, not overweight and eats prudently, fair amount of exercise (owned a horse and competed in dressage until his second heart attack, which actually began in the saddle), it's apparently genetics in his case.

As I wrote above, I'm gonna try to get him to his cardiologist, but I have to overcome his suspicions and inevitable objections. I could get him to our primary even easier, but that guy would only recommend the same thing that I'm already doing. Both are better for him than a nurse practitioner.

I like tea, he doesn't drink it. Except Chinese tea at a Chinese restaurant.

runner1701 saidI hope he listens to reason. He also needs to realise that him not taking care of himself affects you. Does he understand what it will do to you if he's gone?

I think he does understand that, but to what extent he appreciates it and makes it part of his plan I don't know. I already lost one partner, and had a total collapse afterwards. And I thought I was so tough. Yeah, right. In some things yes, but in love, maybe not so much. I don't know how I'd react to a second loss.

It's difficult to put yourself in the shoes of a person in his condition. I saw my terminally ill Father completely deny his own dire health situation. And he was such a bright guy, but in this he was not.

Now my husband hasn't been diagnosed like that yet. He actually gets some good medical reports. But neither will he easily accept contrary news, any suggestion that he might be having a problem. And the rest of his Italian family is the same way, so he's not alone in this. His father died young of a heart attack, refusing to listen to his doctors, or so I'm told.

And really, aren't many men a lot like that? Gay or straight, men simply don't like getting that kind of bad news. It may be why gays can't be dragged into having quick & painless HIV tests, because they don't want the potential bad news. When the reality is you already either have HIV or you don't, and the sooner you know it the better your chances to begin treatment for a longer life.

Why my late Father kept delaying seeing his doctors, when he'd already been diagnosed with cancer and heart disease, and there was still a chance to save him. He took the "head in the sand" approach so common with men, and it took away years off his life he might otherwise have enjoyed, denying my sister & myself our time with him. I still miss him very much today.

Giving us instead the stress of dealing with an illness he wouldn't admit, and having to go through his multiple heart attacks beside him, as I've written about here before. It's like trying to save a drowning man, because he'll take you down with him.

Mate, I am sorry to hear, and it doesn't help as he is stubborn. I agree that it is better to get checked out than wait until something happens. Maybe you both can go for a screening together? So, it's kind of like, "if I go, you have to go too"

Glad everything seems to have turned out OK. I trust you at least keep a bottle of aspirin close. You might discuss this privately with his cardiologist and ask his advice. He might have some preventative suggestions, though I'm sure you're well prepared.