Jealousy

I posted a tweet about a new website that went live yesterday called “Off The Blogs.” In it, I mentioned that “stuff like this” bothered me. After mulling over it all day and night, I feel that tweet deserves an explanation.

I have been blogging in some form or another for almost 5 years now. I have struggled a lot with maintaining consistency with my writing, as well as striving for some level of “success” with it all. Through it all, I have found that I am the best at this when I am being honest and transparent.

For the past few years, I have struggled to try and find my own identity. It is frustrating, because having grown up in an incredibly secure and loving family, I feel like I should have this all figured out by now. Yet two weeks away from my twenty-fourth birthday, I feel no closer to an understanding of who I am than when I first asked the question.

My tendency when struggling with this question is to look to others to find my identity. One person I look up to, though it is from a distance, is a man named Carlos Whitaker. Carlos is a creative pastor in Atlanta, GA who is also a very influential blogger. His transparency on his blog has inspired me tremendously, as has his creativity.

My biggest struggle when looking at people like Carlos is the desire to be just like that person. I want their success, their popularity, their joy. Through it all, I slowly chip away at the peace and joy that I have on my own, and it leaves me feeling bitter and jealous.

All of this brings me to yesterday’s tweet. Carlos, along with Anne Jackson and Jon Acuff — two more influential bloggers — announced that they are holding an event in Atlanta focused on bringing their collective blog communities together for a night of worship. As I was reading about the event, I got jealous. Rather than just ignore the feeling, I posted a tweet that was both mean spirited and inappropriate.

I’m sure most people just passed over the comment, but it has been eating at me all day. I wanted to make a public apology to Carlos, Anne, and Jon. I have emailed Carlos a personal message.

I’m still learning how to manage jealousy. I still feel that feeling of being disqualified that I posted about a number of months ago, and felt it stronger on Sunday as I attended my old church. I have a lot of growing up to do, and I thank you for your patience.