A Lifestyle blog for classy the ladies

Category: #AskTheLadies

The Advice column is geared towards 13-year-olds – 26-year-olds, men or women, especially those of color. The advice column will mainly focus on questions about love, college, relationships, and everyday life! The response to a weekly question will be on every Tuesday Mornings! If you would like to submit a question – click this www.ask.fm/ladiesandcompany . (You can ask a question through Ask.fm, and we will respond to it on the blog).
Be sure to submit your questions today!

Yo Ladies & Co, I recently started dating a girl and we celebrated our three month anniversary on December 2nd (this is my first real serious relationship, so bare with me). We’ve been talking way before that, though maybe for around 6 months. I really do like her, maybe almost love. I just have no idea how to tell my mom and my family. I’m afraid of their reaction, you know. My family and I have gone through some things where I couldn’t always talk to them. And my girl hasn’t pushed me to tell them either, she understands what I’m going through. I’ve met her family already, and they all love me. I’m starting college next week, and on Sunday, I move into my dorm. I don’t know if I should tell my mom before or after. My mom knows we’re friends, she just doesn’t know the extent of our friendship. I’d really like to tell my mother because I play soccer, and I’d love for them both to be at my games cheering me on. Please help. – In the dark, tryna get out.

Dear In the dark, tryna get out,

First let me applaud you for seeking our advice! I know this was a hard decision to share your thoughts on such a sensitive subject. Secondly, you should be open and honest about your relationship with your girl. She may not have said anything however, you better believe it has crossed her mind. Absolutely no woman want their relationship with their special guy to be a secret. Thirdly, your letter left me curious as to why you haven’t disclosed this information to your parents. What’s making this decision hard for you? I understand your relationship with them have been rocky, however, they should be elated that you have found someone that makes you happy. I understand every parent wants the best for their children including a great education, however, I think they would be genuinely happy for you.

So in essence, telling your parents may be the healthy choice. It would definitely shed some light on your relationship with them. If it was me, I would definitely tell my parents.

Hey Ladies & Company, I have a bit of a sticky situation on my hands currently. My ex-boyfriend and the father of my son is now dating my ex-friend. The problem is the “friend” is someone I confided in while I was in a relationship with him. I was always telling her about the tough times in my relationships when I felt like I had no one else to turn to. I can honestly say that I never want this man back, and I am not hurt, nor jealous that they have found each other. However, I do feel a little upset because I feel disrespected!!! When we broke up, I stayed silent about the problems and the issues I had while in the relationship, however, he began to bash our relationship on social media constantly. Saying I was such a horrible girlfriend and like I didn’t treat him great. And it’s like first that bashing, now this! Also, my “ex-friend” just broke up with someone I consider to be like a brother to me to hop in this relationship with my ex. So I’m also dealing with him and his heartbreak and trying to help him be strong when I can barely be strong for myself. Sure my ex-friend and ex-boyfriend knew each other as children but lost contact after first grade. Am I wrong for wanting to retaliate, or at least, say something to the both of them. – Retaliation or Nah?

Dear Retaliation or Nah?

Thank you so much having the courage to submit your question to us via Instagram! Now for the advice -it sounds like this is a very tough situation. First of all, I would not retaliate – you are a better person than that. I would let your ex-boyfriend know that bashing you on social media is very immature and not cool, especially as you are the mother of his child. I would not go further than that because you should be the bigger person no matter what. It will make you feel better at the end of all this, you remained a classy young lady. I believe that you friend did break “girl code,” by getting together with your ex-boyfriend, even if she did know him as a child. I would honestly focus on helping your “brother’s” heartbreak because he needs you. I would not retaliate, because you are better than that. Focus on helping your brother, and being an awesome mother – and karma will come around as she always does.

Hola Ladies & Company, one of my very best friends wants to tell her guy best friend (not her boyfriend or anything, just good- er GREAT friends). She’s always going to him with her problems, and he’s never failed to be there for her. He’s such a great dude, overall. Well, about a week or so ago, she told me that she realized that he’s the one. Like “THE ONE.” She said that she realized it as she was sleeping over his house and he was talking about his GIRLFRIEND and all the problems they’re having. She said that she realizes that the only person who would be good for him would be her and that she wants them to break out. Honestly, I don’t even think her guy best friend realizes she has feelings for him. They’ve known each other since they were 7, but nothing has ever happened intimately with them. Should she tell him, how she feels? or wait until the time is better (and he is single)? – Trying to Help a Friend

Dear Trying to Help a Friend,

Well, first I commend you for trying to help and seeking out advice. That’s such a great friend thing to do. There should be more friends out there like you.

So to your friend: it is normal to have feelings for someone you’ve known since 7. Just because you’re in close proximity with that person. Psychological research has shown that being in a close proximity with someone physically plays a huge role in attraction. For example, if you see a good looking guy at the mall, and then never see him again. Most likely you will forget about him in a few days. However, if you keep seeing this good looking guy the more attractive he will seem. You won’t forget about him because the stimuli (the good looking guy) has been reinforced in your mind. Now, what physical proximity does is that it ensures that continues exposure (of the good looking guy) keeps happening until attraction intensifies. Now, just because you are attracted to your friend, does not mean you should pursue him. In my opinion, you should respect the fact that he has a girlfriend. If it’s true love, it’ll show itself when the time is right. I think you should hold on to your feelings, for now, and when the time is right, you can tell him. Honestly, if you love him as much as you say you do – his happiness should be the ultimate goal even if that means with his girlfriend.

Dear ladies and company, so I am in my senior year of my senior year of college and I have never been on a date. I really want to you know start mingling with men in my age group or even a little older because I think I am ready for a relationship. I’m not exactly sure where to begin with the dating game. I want to be wowed and treated like a queen, however, what I’m seeing now in the dating game is like boys running games on girls running games on guys it is just not OK! So, how do I start dating without compromising my standards? – Ready for Love?

Dear Ready For Love,

First, it is really good that you have realized that you’re at the point of being ready to date. So many young ladies these days are just jumping into the dating world without being ready. First I would set your boundaries out. What are you willing, and unwilling to accept while dating? Maybe you want him to pay for the first date, but are willing to compromise and go dutch on dates 2-3. Also, I would figure out what you really need, what you would like, and what you can compromise on and what you won’t. I think through this process, you will be able to be a little bit more open with guys. As well as you will be able to stand firm in what you want and what you deserve. Then you can start going on dates – maybe some online dating sites such as POF, or Tinder, or the Bae App, or have your friends set up you up with some of their friends (at least you know the guys will be decent humans, unless you have shitty friends). And then, just let whatever happens, happen.

Dear ladies and company, I don’t really need love advice, but more like friend advice. I have been friends with this young lady for years, however over the years, she’s becoming such a stank mean person. She expects everyone in our circle to drop everything for her, and sometimes I can’t because I have other priorities such as my dogs, family, and jobs. I’m being kinda vague but for example, she wanted to do a huge week of events for her 21st birthday. And so we (all of her friends) got her this awesome bunch of gifts, and she was so ungrateful! She was like, I don’t even like anything y’all got me. After we spent all this money, not only for the gifts but all the events and stuff. Do you think it’s time to let this friendship go? I just feel bad because she doesn’t have any other friends, and I think that’s why… – Friends No More?

Dear Friends No More,

I am sorry that you have the bad end of the stick with your friend! Maybe she doesn’t know how she’s behaving because no one has ever called her on it. I would probably approach her about it, and just let her know that what she said about the gift was uncalled for, and that she should be grateful that she even got anything. I would let her know that if she wants to continue ya’lls friendship, somethings are going to have to change. Friendships grow and change with time, so it might be time to let this one go. If you feel more strain and tension towards her than you do happy feelings and warm fuzzies. Let it go! You deserve better.

Hey Ladies & co, So I’ve been talking to this boy for about for two year now. We’ve had sex, and he’s told me plenty of times it’s not about the sex. We both attended the same college and now that school has started back, I’m wondering if he’s talking to someone else or even having with someone else. I’ve asked him because its always a “No Babe,” but he’s a football player. And he’s also very handsome. So I know he’s getting some action at school. I’m confused I don’t know if he even seriously likes me like I do like him. I also don’t know how to ask him if he’s talking to or having sex with anyone else because as of now we do have something good, I think. – College Love?

Dear College Love,

So as a point of clarification, you said that you and this boy have been “talking,” not dating. You and him are in a situationship. According to Aidan Neal a situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it’s not. Now being in a situationship sucks, because it’s a pretend relationship. And you’ve given a piece of yourself to him by way of intimacy. So while you feel like you have some sort of “claim” on him, you don’t. He’s allowed to (and probably is) talking to and being intimate with other people. You guys have something good, but is it really what you want? It seems like you want something more exclusive from him, which as of right now you are unsure if that is being reciprociated.

The easiest way to find out if he is talking to someone else is to ask him.The best way to find answers to all of your questions is to straight up ask him. I’m not saying this is going to be easy because it is not going to be. It’s going to take every little bit of courage you have to go forward. I suggest you and him go somewhere to talk, like the cafeteria on campus, or somewhere neutral and you talk to him and ask him everything you want to know. Keep your head up.

So my ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for about a year now… We travel in the same circles, for the most part, so we’re always running into each other. But now it is to the point where he doesn’t even speak to me at all. I still somewhat care for him, but I refuse to keep trying to be friends when he doesn’t try at all… What should I do say forget him, or reach out to him one more time? – Give it up?

Dear Give It Up,

I can definitely understand your situation as I was in a similar one in high school. If I was you would I would cut him off completely. I would still be polite and cordial towards him and don’t be rude, however, I wouldn’t go out of my way anymore to attempt to be friends with him. It’s obvious that he’s trying to get over you, because you’re such a wonderful young lady, and you should also take that time to heal as well. Maybe sometime in the future you both will be able to develop a friendship again. I would be kind, and avoid being rude, however, I would say forget him, and move on!

Hey Ladies, There was a guy that I talked to for a second (Like literally for only a month or two) We flirted and hung out every once in a while. He wanted a relationship, but I didn’t want to go there with him. I knew that he wasn’t the one for me and just wanted to be friends. I wouldn’t even let him kiss me, only a peck on the check twice, maybe. Fast forward to about 5 years later, we’ve both moved on with our lives. Now I hear that he’s really falling hard for one of my closest girlfriends. I mean he’s asked me if it would be a problem that he wants to you know, holla at her. Being that we were never together, officially or whatever. What should I do? Should I feel some type of way? After all, we weren’t a “thing” right, and I never even wanted anything with him? I haven’t told my friend that he wants to talk to her yet, I mean should I? I don’t have feelings for him, and still not trying to be with him. Should I feel some type of way if she wants to talk to him because he was mine first? – Confuzzled feelings.

Well as far as actually having this guy. I don’t think you had him. It’s also five years later, his feelings for you most likely do not exist anymore. So you maybe having feelings for him back then, or even now – it’s a little too late. I don’t think he was really yours to begin with. You can’t claim authority over someone who you “don’t even want”. I think on one hand you really did want him, and you just didn’t know how to confront your feelings or admit your feelings to yourself (and him). But again it probably is a little too late, being that it is 5 years later and he’s falling for your girlfriends. I don’t think you should feel any type of way, because he’s moved on from the past and you should too. I think as man, I believe he should tell her himself that he wants to talk to her. You should move yourself out of the way of his happiness, and on to better things.

Hola #AskTheLadies, i think I am still in love with this guy, but y’know I’m unsure because we don’t talk like we used to, partly because he’s also dealing with another girl. He hasn’t put titles on either of our relationships. We had issues and I could no longer cope with his lies. I’ve told him if he wants to talk to her, he should leave me alone. The problem is he doesn’t want to . Well I didn’t give him a choice, and I left, though I was extremely upset that it couldn’t just be the 2 of us. We didn’t talk for over a month BUT he kept persisting. Calling me, texting me, facetiming me and so on. I’ve discovered that this other girl is still in the picture. I don’t understand why he wants to have me around when he has her. I just need help figuring out whether my strong feelings for him are love? or am i attached because of the chemistry we had? -In Love or Nahh

Dear In Love or Nah,

You will always have some form of love, bond, or connection with someone that you have spent a lot of time with. However, you can’t force someone to be with you or want to talk to you. He is his own person and makes his own decisions. You were right for leaving him and not speaking to him because he was entertaining someone else. Even though it may hurt to see him with this other girl, just try to focus on yourself and moving forward in your life. I’m sure you probably gave him a lot of yourself but being stuck on him can possibly leave you to miss out on another guy, who respects, love, and adores you. Most importantly a guy that, cares about you enough not to entertain other women. You may still have love because as a woman we tend to love hard and become really emotionally attached, but you are probably not in love anymore with him.

Hi Ladies & Company, I met this wonderful man named William last year. He’s highly educated, God fearing, with a strong moral character. His first relationship was a long term one, and I can see why. I, on the other hand, have lied to him about my past. I was a bit of a wild girl growing up. I had a few one-night stands, a couple of sugar daddies, and a few trains run on me, but this was all done in the dark. When he asked me about my past, I was honestly very vague and told him that I was in a couple of long-term relationships. Should I come clean? or leave things as they are because our relationship is going really well. I am honestly terrified of his reaction. I am a female in my late twenties. – Tryna Come Clean.

Dear Tryna Come Clean,

First of all, I commend you for having the confidence to submit this question to us. Secondly, I think you need to really weigh the pros and cons of this relationship to make sure you both are 100% committed to each other now. If you both are, then it shouldn’t matter how colorful your past was. If it was me, I would probably not go into extreme detail about this wild past, however, I wouldn’t belittle the past either, or make it out to be something that it is not. You have a past and he should respect that. I think that if William is as good of a guy as he says and has been showing to you, he will forgive you. You don’t want to run into the problem what if he finds out or you run into someone from your past, then he could potentially be more upset about you being dishonest than the actual acts. If you are far enough removed from that part of your past life, it should be okay. I believe that you should’ve gone ahead tested for STDs, and other potential health issues. Also another thing to consider is that William probably has a past too, it might not be as “bad”, but he probably has some things in it that he wishes he could erase as well. If the relationship is strong, it shouldn’t matter. You both are together now in the present, and hopefully you will be in the future!