An unemployed Romford man, who received an ASBO for repeatedly terrorising his neighbours with 'an offensive haircut', was jailed today

Man jailed for 'antisocial haircut'
By our woman who is no stranger to misbehaviour,Miranda Givings

An unemployed Romford man, who received an ASBO
(anti-social behaviour order) for repeatedly terrorising his neighbours
with 'an offensive haircut', was jailed today after he called the magistrate
who issued the order 'a fucking nazi cunt'

For the benefit of
our American readers, or those who have been held without trial in Belmarsh
Prison for the last five years, an ASBO is 'a civil order tailored by
the courts against a named individual, forbidding him or her from repeating
specific 'antisocial' acts.'

The 'named individual' in this case, was fifty-seven-year-old
Cyril Firkin, from Romford, in Essex, who was repeatedly seen loitering
outside the entrance to a local
Primary School with what eyewitnesses described as 'a solitary strand
of rancid hair combed over his shiny bonce.' Despite numerous pleas
from sickened mums to 'get a fuckin' 'at mate!' or cut the offensive
strand off, Mr Firkin, defiantly persisted in flaunting
his baldness to children as young as eight and nine.

Stacey Gussett, a seventeen-year-old unmarried mother
of three, is typical of the concerned and responsible citizens of Romford
who banded together to get an ASBO slapped on the antisocial hair-pest.
Stacey was kind enough to take time out from bagging up some pungent
smelling herbs for a sick friend, to talk to Utterpants.
We began by asking her what her feelings were now that Cyril Firkin
was safely behind bars.
"Yeah. Dead chuffed, innit."
"Is it true that Mr Firkin was sacked from his job as a Lollipop
Man after complaints that his haircut was frightening the children?"
we asked.
"Yeah. Dead right, innit."
"You don't think that jailing a bald man for combing a strand of
hair across his head is a little extreme?"

"Nah. He was bleeding lucky me and me mates
didn't put the boot in. Kids shouldn't havta look at an ugly fucker
like that when they go to school. 'E made little Jordan puke all over
'er Nike trainers she was so scared. You can't get any more antisocial
than that, innit?"
We left Stacey grappling with the dilemma of whether to spend her remaining
dole money on ten
Mayfair Lights and a packet of condoms or another pregnancy testing
kit and beat a hasty retreat while our car was still in possession of
all it's wheels.

But Cyril Firkin is not the only dangerous hooligan
who's reign of terror has been nipped in the bud by the timely arrival
of an ASBO, as we discovered when we dug a little deeper into the festering
mountain of civil disobedience which threatens to overwhelm Britain
with a tidal wave of antisocial behaviour—or even a tsunami of
lawlessness.

A twenty-three-year-old masseuse from East Purley,
has been ASBO'd for lying on her front lawn in broad daylight in just
her knickers and bra. When confronted by local councillors, Emma Chapman
said it was a two piece bikini and claimed she had been sunbathing.
Magistrates were swift to dismiss her defence on the grounds that no
woman in her right mind would possibly risk premature ageing and skin
cancer by exposing
herself to the sun.

One of the most disturbing cases we uncovered was
that of a thirty-two-year-old unmarried Essex woman who has been repeatedly
ASBO'd for dialling 999. Police records show that Trisha O'Toole has
called the emergency services no less than 168 times in nine months
and then, when help arrives, she sexually assaults the ambulance crews
sent to treat her.
"I barely escaped with my life," reminisced one traumatized
paramedic. "She knocked my rectal thermometer out of my hand before
I'd even had a chance to examine her chest. The next thing I knew she
was taking it up Cadbury
Alley like a two-bit hooker whilst munching on my mate's hideously
empurpled member until he splattered the squealing spinster with his
creamy man juice."

Unsurprisingly,
Essex currently holds the record for issuing the greatest number of
ASBO's in the United Kingdom, having handed out no less than 21,864
restraining orders since 2001. We asked the county's flamboyant Chief
Constable, Sir Robert Craven, why this was.
"We have a lot
of chavs," he chuckled.
"Chavs?" we asked.
"Idle, good-for-nothing scroungers, filthy, teenage sluts and petty
criminals."
"So why not charge them with a felony and try them in court?"
"The whole point of ASBO's is to save the courts time and money,"
replied Sir Robert smugly. "An ASBO is only issued in the most
serious cases where an immediate and present threat to civil order clearly
exists."
"Such as?" we asked.
"Darren Spatchcock."
"Darren Spatchcock?" we repeated.

"Darren Spatchcock is a highly dangerous fourteen-year-old
hooligan from Dartford who has been warned of an impending ASBO unless
he gives up using his local street as a football
pitch and the bus shelter as goalposts. My officers have testified
that the boy has been repeatedly seen in the middle of the road with
traffic backed up in both directions while he kicked the ball three
to four feet up in the air. On one occasion twenty-seven officers supported
by two Police helicopters and an armed response unit from Dagenham confiscated
twelve footballs (and three Rugby balls) from him after a siege lasting
two weeks."
"Well, when you put it like that, Sir Robert..."

"I do," enthused the Chief Constable. "Just
as compulsory identity cards and detainment without trial have almost
completely swept
terrorism from our streets, so will the increasing use of ASBO's
eliminate the scourge of hooliganism which has turned this once law-abiding
country into a haven for social misfits, smokers, atheists and liberal
do-gooders hell-bent on overturning our traditional values of repression,
censorship and blind
obedience to authority. What's more, ASBO's will relieve the tremendous
burden on the judiciary who will be able to devote their energies and
resources to tackling the really big issues that confront us."

"Such as a citizen's centuries old right to
have their case tried in a court of law by a jury of their peers?"
we asked.
"Exactly," laughed Sir Robert. "It's high time we repealed
that anachronism. Look at America. They've dismantled almost all the
wishy-washy freedoms their misguided founders established and you couldn't
find a safer, more law abiding country on earth."