Fence-Pooping Horror Brings Bio-Disgustment – September 3, 2011

Saturday, September 3, 2011

• Monday, August 1 12:37 a.m.

Roomates disagreed

One slammed the door in a huff

Breaking the window

1:54 p.m. A woman drove off from an Alliance Road address with her $600 smartphone on the roof of her car. The techno-topper slid off at some point, and when she realized what had happened, she called her phone. Some guy answered, and when she told him it was her phone, he gallantly hung up.

2:43 p.m. A woman working on the Plaza suddenly realized that she had left her stove on at home, and asked police for an emergency ride home to make sure it wasn’t starting a fire. They did, and it wasn’t.

3:29 p.m. A Plaza business’s video security system recorded images of a woman stealing a $48 skirt on May 18. When the biz contacted her via Facebook, she deleted the page. A friend supplied her phone number, and when called in Daly City, she said she has emotional problems, is in counseling and can’t pay for the skirt. Having given her three chances to pay for the skirt, the business asked for a police report.

6:20 p.m. A Northtown naughtiness shop reported a man in a green shirt coming in and stuffing two girly magazines into his lonesome pants, then leaving, presumably to process the emergency erotica. A search of the area proved fruitless, but if some dark remove behind a garbage can was rockin’, that’s a place you wouldn’t oughtta be walkin’.

9:46 p.m. It being garbage night, and with the bear just seen galumphing down Lynn Street toward Shirley Boulevard, a caller forewarned police that there could be ursine trash-foraging this night.

10:26 p.m. A “transient looking” woman reportedly became obnoxumentative when refused a funding fork-over at a Uniontown supermarket.

2:38 a.m. A distraught woman on Alliance Road faced a dilemma: go home to her frightening roommate, or call police and possibly be arrested for public drunkenness. She chose to call officers, who apparently worked something out as no arrest was noted.

8 a.m. A Samoa Boulevard business reported someone having gone poop upon its fence. Fence-pooping and even more innovative forms of bio-disgustment frequently take place in the area.

12:41 p.m. A brown-sweatshirted man stole a bottle of Jack Daniels from a Uniontown store. Maybe he went to hook up with the previous evening’s Captain Pornpants to savor the fine literature and cocktails.

10:18 p.m. A woman reported that at about 2:15 p.m. as she was running on a forest trail, a tall, bearded man in a hoodie approached her. When she backed up, he started toward her. She could see that he was holding a wooden bat behind his back, but he didn’t brandish it. She pepper sprayed him and ran off.

10:52 p.m. At 1oth and H streets, unathorized minstrels were reported sawing on that devil’s sceptre, the guitar. Worse, persons were observed dancing in the street on H Street between 11th and 12th when they obviously could have been inside watching TV and leading fulfilling false lives in World of Warcraft. Maybe they wised up and chose these more sensible pursuits, as they were gone on police arrival.

11:47 p.m. A woman parked on Valley East Boulevard, leaving her car unlocked just long enough to nip inside and pick up her kid. In that brief interval a jumbo-sized slithy tove entered and rifled her car. She came out just in time to see the hulking galoot running away toward Giuntoli Lane.

• Wednesday, August 3 10:11 a.m. A mother-son yelling match in Room 217 at a Valley West motel drew police. On arrival, the lad attempted to walk away past the officer, who had to detain him in handcuffs due to his agitation. The son explained that he had an anxiety disorder, but he wasn’t taking any meds for it. He and his mom were so confrontational – both verbally and physically – that they had to leave the peaceable motel.

12:32 p.m. Big Al, his sign and dogs generated a complaint at 17th and G streets. He means no harm.

2:47 p.m. When a man yelled from his home that he didn’t want to live any more, he later explained to police that he was sharing a rhetorical exercise which he didn’t intend to act upon.