Friday, November 11, 2011

Finally, a weekend that I get to spend in my own home!
I've been suffering from strange dreams. Dreams about sex, about people, about friends I've not seen in years, about places I can barely recall the particulars of. It would seem I'm surring from another bout of remembering.
This means that I'm remembering more than I care to.
I've got a feeling of blah. I'm shutting it down because to struggle my way through the feelings related to those memories is just too difficult with all that is going on in our family right now. I often wonder to myself just what consitutes as good timing. LOL When is it best to relive those memories? When it is safest?
I've been finding myself sporradically crying, and randomly freezing because something triggered me and I'm reliving it inside myself, but no one else knows what's going on. This means I've been getting worried glances and plenty of "are you ok?" 's from the Mr. It's difficult to explain when all I want to do is forget. I just don't think I possess the strength right at this particular time, given the battle we're already in.
Unfortunately, this also means that I've been shutting down more frequently. A case of avoidance. Not good when children demand attention from you, and can tell when you're not there. I zone, I tune out, I glaze over, disconnect. My actual self is up in the air, right behind me, watching over my shoulder.
Quite honestly, there's SO much going on, I just don't want to deal with any of it. But, life goes on, and I'm doing the best I can to unload each week, and make sure I rest when I can.
I do believe when this weekend is over, I'll have more phone calls and appointments to make.

About Me

Amber

I am a walking contradiction. I'm honest to a fault, but have learned to filter my thoughts to sting a little less. I'm growing at a glacial pace, and am inviting you to watch. It's about as much fun as watching paint dry, but at least you've got an invitation!