Friday, August 20, 2010

I'm still too nauseous and dizzy to drive so I asked my parents to drive me to my appointment this morning. They'd already committed to babysitting my sister's kids so they split up. My mom asked my dad, "Where do you want to go?" He weighed the options - chase my sister's 3-year-old and change the baby's diapers or drive me to the doctor. So, my dad showed up to take me to the doctor which is a good thing because my dad hates mornings as much as I do. See, my mom is a morning person and if she had taken me, she would've chattered the whole way there until I wanted to jump out of the car. My dad, on the other hand, knows that no person should ever talk in the morning.

So I went in the room and the nurse asked me a bunch of questions like, "Why are you here?" And the ever-popular, "What's the date of your last menstrual period?" Then she said, "And you have three girls and three boys? I see your husband had a vasectomy." I quickly told her, "I'm divorced." Then she asked, "So what are you doing for birth control?" I looked at her. "Ummm, I'm using the fact that I'm divorced and have six kids as birth control. It's working like a charm."She had me strip from the waist down. I carefully hid my underwear in my jeans and took a seat up on the table with my plush paper blanket arranged around my bare butt so when the doctor walked in, she wouldn't know that I was half-naked.

The doctor walked in, chatted with me, then took a look at the hospital report with the CT findings which had been faxed over. Honestly, I don't even remember what exactly she said. All I heard was the word "benign". I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but instead, I drilled her. "How do you know it's benign? Did the report say that? Are you sure? Don't you need to do some tests or something? But are you sure? How are you sure?"

She told me it was an ugly tumor called a benign cystic teratoma. She said, "It's a really strange, ugly tumor. It has hair and teeth."

I kind of laughed because I thought that was just an expression - it has hair and teeth. You know, a way of saying it's ugly. Nope. It has hair and teeth. She showed me a picture. I gagged. I have an alien tumor in my body! Sooo sick! I kept thinking of the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Aunt Voula says, "Now, you are family. Okay. All my life, I had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always, a lump. Then I started menopause and the lump got bigger from the "hormonees." It started to grow. So I go to the doctor, and he did the bio... the b... the... the bios... the... b... the "bobopsy." Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord. Yes. Inside the lump was my twin."

So, I get to have surgery to have my ovary and the alien tumor removed. I won't be scheduling the surgery until the diverticulitis is all cleared up (another 6-8 weeks).

She never did do an exam, so basically I just sat there, chatting with the doctor while half-naked for no apparent reason. Yeah.

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I'm SO glad you found out it's benign. I had a similiar scare three years ago with a benign tumor in my breast. Same words, "large mass", sent me reeling, panic attack, tears, etc. I had to laugh when you used the Greek Wedding reference, that's one of my favorite scenes, Ha! Now I hope the meds kick in and you start feeling better really soon!!Take care,Stephanie J.

It's nice being able to exhale now. Im glad it was "benign" news. As for the trick to riding with a morning person... roll. Yup, be sure to hit the ground rolling when you jump out of the car. It really is good news for you today, though! And you got to have the bonus "naked discussion". A two-fer!

Hey, if I have to sit in the doctor's office 1/2-naked, hiding under a slightly over-sized paper towel to hear him tell me I'm okay, out of the way! I'm going to be first on line!!!SO glad you're okay!

Shoot, I would have been willing to sit half-dressed in paper to hear the sweet word of BENIGN.

With hair and teeth, just think of what your children could do with that. Will you be bringing it home in a jar for them? ;S I'm sure that one will ask. We should take bets to see which one will ask first. My money is on Clay.

It could have a mullet & need braces......I don't care!! It's BENIGN!!! SO glad to hear that news!! However, I can't believe it'll take another 6 - 8 weeks for the diverticulitis to clear up! Not on a liquid diet that whole time I hope!?!?

Yep...I just HAD to google it! It looks like something a cat threw up!! And you had NO idea that was there?!?! No pain? Nothin'?!? So it's just grown since you had Brooklyn or your gyno would have noticed right? Crazy!

So glad to hear the news!I wanted to tell you that many years ago my mom had very intense abdominal pain (to the point of passing out). It turned out she had a cyst on one of her ovaries the size of an orange. I wanted to share this with you because I'm hoping that your only problem is this pesky cyst and that you don't indeed have diverticulitis.

Hey Dawn, so glad they were able to tell you right away that this was benign. After my 2nd son was born, they found a tumor on my left ovary. After many tests, I was told it was benign. Mine was called a dermoid cyst and it also had hair and teeth. I had surgery to remove my ovary and fallopian tube and all is well. And contrary to what you would think, I still have a monthly cycle. The other side took over. Good luck with your surgery. All will be well!!!!

You are the second person in about 2 days to reveal the hair & teeth sort of tumor. One of my friends is having hers (her doc calls it a dermoid, I have no idea if it's the same thing as yours or not, but it does have the hair & teeth in it) removed next Thursday. When she told me about it, my first comment was "just like Aunt Voula!" Healing thoughts for both the diverticulitis and the surgery.

I would *almost* pay money to see your tumor with teeth and hair. I'm sure after it's removed, they'll biopsy it just to be safe. Like they did with my "your right boob will be perky forever" tissue. I asked the doctor three times if she was SURE it was no big deal :-)

I knew I had heard of that kind of tumor before! I just couldn't remember where...had no idea it was so common...I'm glad it's good news for you, and will be keeping you in my prayers until the surgery and recovery is all done with. I had to laugh at the underwear in your jeans comment, I"m amazed at how you manage to bring humor into these kinds of situations. Maybe now I won't mind the gyno quite so much (I'd rather go to the dentist!) as I'll be laughing to myself the whole time :P

Oh thank goodness!! I am so happy for you that it's benign. Praise God! And more importantly, no awkward conversations while in the stirrups this time! ;-)

P.S. Totally cracked up at the commenter who asked why we hide our underwear in our pants at the OBGYN. I also hide my bra, fold everything up real nice... I can't have the OBGYN thinking I'm a slob! :) The things we do for the OBGYN.

Well that's sure a relief to know, even if it does have hair and teeth (I'm fighting the impulse to google it).I'm so not a morning person either, but my mom sounds a lot like yours, up bright and early and hits the ground running. Drives me crazy if I have to be around her first thing in the morning. I'm with you on the "nobody should ever talk in the morning" at least not until after the second cup of coffee.

Dawn, I just found your blog. I am glad you are okay and I hope you feel better soon. I did want to tell you that I read several of your posts and you are so funny. If we ever met, I think we'd be great friends - I am usually as sarcastic as you are and since I moved to the midwest,people just don't get me! :-)

Wow, did NOT know that tumors can have teeth and hair - amazing and weird at the same time. :) Yeah, and about the half-naked thing, I sometimes wonder if doctors do that on purpose to make the patient ask less questions (the courage kind of vanishes when you have a conversation with someone without your pants on.):D

so who won the breakfast giveaway? I'm glad evrything turned out ok for you. When you first announced stomach pain I figured that was your problem. It must be something in the air...I know alot of people having a hysterectomy in the last month. Myself included (well soon they want to make it the last resort).....good luck!