Support Change

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day 5: Hospice For My Dad

My brother and I had a meeting with Hospice for my Dad today. He is in a nursing home and has pretty much stopped eating. He is coherent but is becoming very quiet. He is 90yrs old. Have so much to say about it that I don't know what to say!
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not knowing what to say or where to begin. The truth is I dont have the time to write everything I am thinking and feeling at this time.
I am also not feeling very well. I have cold or flu symptoms.
I wonder about resistance. Meaning I am not sure at times what is resistance and what is just a time to rest?
When I want to stop should I because it is time to rest or am I being lazy? Hmm. I usually am always pushing myself to get things done, and I allow myself time in the evening to relax a bit before going to bed.

Back to the topic. Is is sad to watch my dad die. Because he looks sad. I think he is genuinely pissed that he can not move like he use too and has nothing to live for anymore. He mentioned once about 3 or 4 months ago about dieing. I say it was okay to die. I think he wanted to know how I would feel if he died.
We got a little pamphlet about dealing with loved ones who are dieing, it says no one wants to die even if they say they do. So Dad will be gone from our lives soon.
How do I feel about that? I feel okay that he will be gone - the hard part is I think he doesn't want to go and is scared. So the hard part is watching him deal with his own death. I want him to die happy...lol!

Why am I laughing? Who dies happy? I dont know. He had a pretty good life. He worked hard but did pretty much what he wanted. He had food, a car, shelter a wife and girlfriend most of his life. In fact he started going down hill when he and his girlfriend were getting to old to do anything. His sex life was very important to him.
He didn't drink or drug, he just like working and sex. He had a better life than many of the starving and homeless that are half of our population. How do they die? I would think that if I was in there shoes with all the suffering that we as humanity has caused because we do not look out for others in suffering countries that I would want to die. I mean how much suffering goes on when there is nothing to eat?
Yet no one wants to die.
I will get back to this -

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"As one write self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness is the action of the decision made by self to take responsibility for self, and in taking/giving/gifting self with that responsibility – one become equal-to and one with the “problem”/consequence creation, making the statement: “I am taking responsibility for this problem/consequence creation as me”. In being/becoming the “problem”/consequence creation one will as the “problem”/creation see/find/realise the Solution." Sunette Destonian Spies

This is how we can purify ourselves in 7yrs to become a life worth living that is best for all of life. We take responsible for what we are thinking, and the very act of writing everyday is a way to assist in self disciple of directing our thoughts instead to let emotions, fears and the personality direct us, as we move to a supportive nature towards all mankind.