Britain to expect 18 foot of rain

Britain is set to experience rainfall equivalent of the height of 3 tall men standing on top of each other or one giant, according to reports from the Met office this morning. Caused it seems by what is known as a constipated cloud which gathers moisture for a number of months before dropping it’s entire load in a matter of seconds.

A spokesman for the Daily Express told us “We normally like to panic about snow this time of year but there isn’t any. So rain is this years snow. And it’s unlikely to stop until June. We’re all going to drown.”

The Daily Express have not been alone in their predictions of apocalyptic weather. Indeed former oil magnate and Head of the Church of England apart from the Queen, the Right Reverend Justin Welby told us “I warned you this would happen. It’s in the book of Leviticus. Or definitely one of those early ones anyway. You’re in trouble now. Unless you’re a seal.”

Prime Minister David Cameron has assured the public that whilst the budget to prevent environmental catastrophes has been slashed, Britain is more than adequately prepared for today’s weather and has issued the following advice.

1) Sit on the roof of your house

2) Inflate any rubber dinghies

3) Wear a mask and snorkel

4) Cover yourself in a protective layer of duck fat

5) Watch the film flipper and take notes.

It’s thought that a special parliamentary committee will be interrogating senior weather man Michael Fish later on today. Mr Fish is expected to deny any wrong doing. “He’s slippery” an insider told us.