Last week’s application letter to be Earth’s ambassador to alien civilizations was poignant but ultimately selfish, as the poor distraught woman sought to exploit this very important position to track down her alien babydaddy. But this, this is the guy I want representing my interests to the galaxy or universe at large:

I, Todd Lewis, delight in announcing my interest in becoming Earth’s Interplanetary Ambassador. It is typical of our galactic neighbors to make such a prestigious position available by means of apparently bogus advertising. However, as one that speaks Oondefoort, an alien language, I am not at all surprised at it; and furthermore, will rise to the challenge by demonstrating my ability to discern treasure in the strangest places. Without compromise, I will offer two invaluable gifts as Interplanetary Ambassador: I will seek to establish humanitarianism with hostile planetaries; I will seek to overthrow the earthly tyranny called work put on the planet by the darkest veil of alien super-intelligence.

Despite the amount of humanitarianism already lacking in the earth today, I have high hopes that it will at least be attained in the heavens, if not on earth. I have future goals of destroying counter-alliances and the new sport of planet popping practiced by baser aliens of advanced heat technology. In the event that I should encounter such opposition from Earth-hating aliens, I promise to put on a pretentious disposition and agree with all comments about earth’s stupidity so as to save innumerable souls. I feel confident in my ability to land food agreements with extraterrestrial suppliers; which will further their humanitarianism on the earth, as we will not have to work for food.

As we all know, work is a part of our very existence. Notwithstanding, it is unpleasant and utterly oppressive. Earth will be better served in the day that it can grow food in the fridge, rather than put purchased food into it. It will not be an easy task to overthrow the alien super-intelligence by myself, but I will seek to insure that each individual on earth is liberated from such tyranny as work by means of Karate, luck, and cunning. I feel positive about the current alien-earth trade operations and I will endeavor to reduce shipping costs by bargaining for closer galaxies.

In honesty, there is no question I would not fail to be the most stellar Interplanetary Ambassador the Earth has ever had/known.

Todd Lewis

Lethbridge, Alberta

CANADA

Not sure I’m entirely sold on his Pretentious Disposition strategy, but I am very intrigued by his promise to use Karate, luck and cunning to free us from the tyranny of work.

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