Let’s
face it, sometimes it is really tough being a dictator. (Life can be
so unfair.) What do you do when the glory days are over?

Hosni
Mubarak, you finally took the big step the people and the military have
demanded. You bolted from Cairo, but did you choose the best alternative?
Do you have to live a life of miserable exile in a country that only
wants your billions but not your happiness? Has anyone in the Mubarak
family thought of getting help from Disney?

Disney
really does make dreams come true. It can put a glint back into your
brown eyes and a spring back into your step. You will laugh out loud
as you remark how closely Goofy, Pluto, Mickey, Mini, and Donald resemble
some of your closest security detail. You will find Disney World to
contain a little Egypt so much like home but without those angry mobs
and pesky political opponents. You will play in the Magic Kingdom without
a care in the world, and to get the luxury package all you need do is
bring your $70 billion in assets with you and appear on the Disney Channel
to announce, “I’m going to Disney World.” Hosni Mubarak,
yes you can overcome this personal and public crisis with the help of
Disney.

I
know for the last two decades you thought the good times would never
end. You thought those billboards you put up of your smiling dictatorial
face would calm folks nerves and would remain up there for everyone
to see long past your natural death. You knew one of your sons could
be the next dictator. You were convinced that everyone would come to
understand and accept your political arrests, prosecutions, incarcerations,
and executions because, I mean really, a dictator has got to do what
he has got to do.

But
then things don’t always turn out the way we plan them in life,
Hosni. Even people who have enjoyed the fruits of corruption and have
escaped accountability for taking peoples’ lives and liberties
for decades must sometimes face their own music. But why, oh why, can’t
that music be the theme song to the Mickey Mouse Club?

To
put it bluntly, Hosni, you have to get over it but what better way to
get over it than with the help of Disney. For sure, the dictator gig
is a thing of the past, but that does not mean that you have to leave
like a misbehaving house pet with your tail between your legs. Call
Disney for the answers.

I
know your security people tell you that you must flee to a Middle Eastern
country or to Montenegro and into exile and obscurity for the rest of
your life. What a bunch of hooey. You know the leaders of those other
countries really just want your money. Have they ever really cared about
you, your happiness? No. Why not go where your money buys bliss? Why
not go where everyone wears that same smiling face all the time, smiling
at you even when you frown at them? There is only one place like that
on earth. It’s Disney World in Orlando, Florida! You can live
in the Cinderella Castle there, be attended by smiling dwarfs, never
venture into a street that did not offer you the kind of food you like
most (cotton candy, ice cream, hot dogs, yes hot dogs!). You can be
treated like royalty all over again.

The
way to do this is simple. You call Disney Vacation Package Booking.
Be patient (you may be on hold for a very long time). Keep saying “Representative”
and eventually you will get a real person. You need to tell that person
who you are but do it slowly. If you think the person answering is really
doing so from a location in India and not at Disney World, don’t
worry about that (computers work everywhere). Then say that you want
to bring your $70 billion with you for a lifelong dream vacation and
want to live on the Disney World complex in the big Cinderella Castle.

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To
break the ice with the Disney representative, try a little humor. How
about this? Tell the person that you understand some people will poke
fun at the fact that you are planning to commiserate with another of
the world’s most well-known rats (Mickey). Ha. Self-deprecation
is a good thing, Hosni. (If the person on the other end of the line
does not laugh at your joke, it’s okay (he or she may still have
gotten it)). Move on. One other thing. If you have lingering doubts
that the nasty things people are saying about you may have reached across
the ocean to Disney World, keep annunciating slowly and loudly that
you have SEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS to spend at Disney World. Not only
that, but tell them that you can bring over wife Susan and her BILLIONS
and sons Gamal and Alaa and their BILLIONS. Believe me, that will be
music to Disney’s ears.

In
return for your generous financial contributions, Disney can help build
your lifetime dream vacation package. Remember, Hosni, Jiminy Cricket
already committed Disney to help you when he told us in song: “When
you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your
heart desires, will come to you.”

You
will like the Disney World complex a lot, and you will love living in
the Cinderella Castle. Disney carved out its own separate jurisdiction
over the land from the state of Florida decades ago (could mean big
tax savings for you).

Also
consider how Disney can transform that glum exodus from Cairo into a
star studded spectacular for every Egyptian man, woman, boy, and family
pet. Who says you cannot leave Cairo twice? Lets redo that and get it
right this time. Last time you left in a very bad way, Hosni: sneaking
out only hours after telling everyone you would not go, no way, no how.
Shame on you. But Disney can fix it. There is still time to redo this.
There is still time for a grand Disney celebration in Cairo to coincide
with your “official departure.” So get back on that jet
and back there to your old presidential palace for Hosni Mubarak’s
Exodus Redux.

Part
of the constitutional economic reforms for your country can and should
include providing every resident a ticket to a new Disney Magic Kingdom
complex right in the heart of Cairo. To quote a line from Universal
Film’s Field of Dreams, “if you build it they will come.”
For your dream vacation send off, ask the new military dictators filling
in for you to have all state television programming air around the clock
Disney’s latest movie, Tangled, as well as old Disney favorites.
That will set the right mood, moving folks from the angry protest mode
to the lets gather in front of the TV with some grub mode. Have your
retiring security police re-enlist for twenty-four hours, put on Disney
character costumes, and give mouse ears out to everyone. Give out free
concessions for citizens who dress up like Disney characters. Then,
in a second but grand departure, Disney can have Goofy, Pluto, Mickey,
Mini, Donald, and all the other great characters it has created come
to the presidential palace and escort you off in Cinderella’s
carriage to a mouse eared jet for a flight directly to Disney World
in Orlando. Everyone will be so proud! The photos you can post on your
fridge in the Cinderella Castle without shame.

Just
before you enter the carriage, Disney expects you to turn to the camera
and say, “Hi, I’m Hosni Mubarak, former dictator of Egypt,
and I’m going to Disney World.” You have to do that, Hosni,
or the whole thing’s off. If you don’t do it, they will
put you back in that carriage and return you on a very bumpy ride back
to the presidential palace, and Mickey will announce live on Cairo TV
in a shrill voice that you are in fact an arch villain, that you misled
mouseketeers everywhere, and that your membership in the Mickey Mouse
Club has been cancelled. So don’t even think about it. On the
bright side, your new life can be so much better than your old one was.
Just let Disney take care of the details.

Just
think of it. Years from now, long after you have settled into the Cinderella
Castle at Disney World, you will scarcely remember the old troubled
times. Sure, every now and again you will feel that urge to upstage
Mickey and boss around the Magic Kingdom staff. What dictator would
not feel that way? Old habits die hard, and they understand. They are
prepared for that. They went through it years ago with another little
dictator, Britney Spears.

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But
who knows, Hosni, if you behave yourself and show some acting ability,
you might land yourself a part in a Disney television series or maybe
even in a Disney animated film. The fun never ends at the Magic Kingdom.
Your future can be so bright. They have fireworks (safe ones) every
night.

Jonathan
W. Emord is an attorney who practices constitutional and administrative
law before the federal courts and agencies. Congressman Ron Paul calls
Jonathan “a hero of the health freedom revolution” and says
“all freedom-loving Americans are in [his] debt . . . for his courtroom
[victories] on behalf of health freedom.” He has defeated the FDA
in federal court a remarkable seven times, six on First Amendment grounds,
and is the author of Amazon bestsellers The
Rise of Tyranny, and Global
Censorship of Health Information. For
more info visit Emord.com.

To put it bluntly,
Hosni, you have to get over it but what better way to get over it than
with the help of Disney. For sure, the dictator gig is a thing of the
past, but that does not meant that you have to leave like a misbehaving
house pet with your tail between your legs. Call Disney for the answers.