Scientists Prove that Married Men Don’t Live Longer, It Just Feels Like It

It has been one of the great arguments of the age. Studies show that married men live on average ten years longer than single men, yet single men and eminent club comedians have consistently countered that “Married men don’t live longer, it just feels like it”. Now scientists at CERN have used the Large Hadron Collider to prove that single men were right all along.

Announcing the results, Professor Ben Heinz explained “Scientifically speaking, it was a blind trial for sure. We were blind drunk at ‘The Smashed Atom’ (CERN’s bar) one night consoling a colleague who had just gone through a tricky divorce. Some of the lads put forward the old hypothesis about single men living life on a different temporal plane to married men and it turned into a right barney. One of the lads was just about to hit Professor Brian Cox with the Cambridge Lucasian Chair, when I stepped in and said ‘leave it, it’s not worth it. Let’s settle this the geek way, in the collider!’”

To chants of “Collider, Collider” and “There’s only two Schrodinger’s cat, two Schrodinger’s cat” the scientists took samples from three married and three single men, then fired them around the LHC while shouting “Whhooooooooooo BOOOOM!” as each sample smashed into the detectors.

Dr Heinz says that the differences were immediately apparent. “The samples from the single men smashed into the detectors at close to the speed of light as expected, and emitted a telltale signature of particles, Strange and Charmed quarks, Hiccups Boozeons, the occasional S&M or MFF event , and a lot of porn. The samples from married men travelled much more slowly, emitting particles of B&Q, M&S and BHS in a very predictable pattern followed by a last gasp of desperation and regret.”

Asked if he expected to win the Nobel prize for his research, Dr Heinz replied “It would be nice, but seeing Brian doing his forfeit of drinking a yard of ale stood on a table with his trousers round his ankles while blowing a vuvuzela with his arse was prize enough for me.”.