Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Do you feel?

sometimes it hurts to think. usually it hurts to feel. i think there are people in this world that feel things just a little bit deeper than the rest of the world. emotional paper cuts feel like deep wounds, and spiritual fender benders feel like head on collisions. and giggles are more like exploding belly aching laughter and rainbows make them exclaim at the incredible existence that is creation.

some of us, are just hypersensitive to the world around us, so much so that it engulfs our every thought. as a little girl, i thought everyone was like this, that everyone wondered and marveled at the complex society of red ants, and was furious with bumble bees for stinging people and thus killing themselves, because how could they let down their friends like that and dont they have an important job to do for the queen?

its complicated, this whole being a person thing, and im not sure we'll ever get used to it. i decided many years ago, when reading The Great Gatsby in sophomore english, that it was better to be naive and unobservant."I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool... You see, I think everythings terrible anyhow... And I know. I've been everywhere and seen everything and done everything."and"He's so dumb he doesn't know he's alive."

and i envied that, because i only had two options- desperately seek to numb my brain and its thoughts and feelings that i can never keep up with, or feel- which would ultimately kill me. and there i sat, thinking about how complicated it all was, this human thing. there are really only two kinds of people in the world, those who feel the weight and those who don't. F. Scott Fitzgerald gets it. he feels it. he knows what its like to have one foot in fire and the other in ice, this twisted reality where we look in the mirror and know exactly what we look like, but turn around and forget.

to me, you, and f. scott fitzgerald, let us not get carried away with mirrors and weight and brokenness and joy- lets just feel the love, man, feel the love.

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I had my heart transformed at the age of 17 by a God who stopped at nothing to make His love for me known. I am broken and imperfect, but because of His love I am whole. I am learning how to be a human being, though often times I feel like an alien. Fortunately, God has given me a loving, patient husband who understands what its like to have one foot in heaven and the other on earth. We make a dynamic duo, if I do say so myself, and I couldn't be more excited to see our life unfold. In the mean time, I am learning how to trust, to love authentically, and to be where I am...wherever that is.