Husband’s absence gives taste of freedom from abuse

Published: Friday, May 9, 2014 1:15 a.m. CDT

By Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby,

I’m a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is a few years younger, and very co-dependent. Before he dated me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I came into the relationship with a child and some trust/fear issues, because my ex had abused me.

My husband has now become verbally, sexually and to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of striking my 5-year-old son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back. They think he’s a “stabilizing” influence in my life. They don’t know about, or can’t grasp, his abuse or the abuse I survived previously. If I hint at it, they accuse me of “lying for attention.”

My husband has left for basic training with the Army and will be gone for a few months. I already feel freer, lighter and more able to cope with things. If I leave him while he’s away, the social and family repercussions will be devastating. My son and I may be forced to relocate.

I’m torn and afraid. I went through with the marriage only to please my family, as the abuse started before the wedding. It has been a year and a half, and all I can think about is getting out. Help me, please.

– Canadian Reader

Dear Reader,

Of course I will help. Deciding to leave an abusive partner can be wrenching as well as frightening. However, because abuse tends to escalate, it is what you must do. Yours and your child’s safety could depend on it. It is shameful that your family isn’t supportive, but don’t let that stop you. Relocate, if you must.

You need to form an escape plan. The way to do that is to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The phone number is 800-799-7233. Counselors there can refer you to help in your area – they have done this for other Canadian women. They also offer education and empowerment programs so that victims will be less likely to be sweet-talked by their abusers into returning for more punishment.

Don’t wait to reach out because your son’s physical and emotional health depend on it. If not for yourself, do it for him.

Dear Abby,

I have a friend who lives a few states away. We talk on the phone every week. Either she calls me, or I call her. Every time she calls me, it’s when she is driving somewhere. As soon as she arrives at her destination or pulls up in her driveway, she says, “I’m home [here] now. Gotta go!” and hangs up.

This has been going on for years. I stay on the phone all the time she rambles on and never cut her short. It’s really starting to get to me. What should I do?

– Fuming in Florida

Dear Fuming,

If this has been happening “for years” and you are just now writing me about it, I’d call that one slow burn. Pick up the phone, call your friend and tell her exactly how you feel about it. If you don’t, she’ll continue doing what she has been doing, because she thinks it’s all right with you.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.