Tag Archives: Discipline

Why is it easier to say something to our kids when we’re angry at them than when they are doing what we want them to do?

Picture a lazy Sunday afternoon and you’re reading your favorite magazine while sipping a cup of tea. Your children are in the next room playing a game together, having a wonderful time and getting along famously. What are the chances that you would get up, walk to the next room and say, “It’s so nice to see you two having such a great time together”? Probably slim. Why? Because when we parents are happy and content ourselves, we aren’t particularly motivated to move from what’s making us content.

Now imagine that your children in the next room begin screaming and arguing. Your heart begins to beat faster, anger begins to swell inside you and thoughts like, “What is going on? Why can’t they just play nicely? I was having such a relaxing time by myself!” begin to run through your head. Now you are motivated – you are MAD! What are the chances of you getting up, stomping into the next room and yelling at the kids to, “Be quiet!”?

Unfortunately, the outcome of this “Speak only when we see negative behavior Syndrome” is that our kids mostly hear from us when we have something negative to say rather than positive feedback. They receive the message that they are just annoying to us.

The antidote? Positive verbal and non-verbal reinforcement.

Here are 20 ways to show or tell your children that you appreciate their positive behaviors.

“Thanks for wiping the kitchen counter so nicely”

“I think you got ready for school in record time this morning!”

“I loved how you persevered after getting frustrated with your homework tonight.”

“I saw you on the soccer field. You played hard!”

“It was so nice dining out with you tonight.”

“Have I told you lately how much I appreciate how you keep your room so tidy?”

Give a rub on the back after your child has done something you asked.

Give your child a wink and a smile after they accomplish something difficult to show you are proud of them.

Give your child a thumb or two thumbs up after you see him/her completing a task around the house.

“Good job on that math test, Julie. I know you studied hard.”

“I’m so proud of how you _______________.”

“I’m so proud to call you my son/daughter.”

Write a special note and put it in your child’s desk at school.

Write a special note and put it in your child’s lunch bag.

Smile at your child and stroke their hair after they have made a good choice about something.

Buy a “just because” toy, game, or puzzle and attach a note or card expressing the reason you are giving the gift. Do they always hang up their coat which keeps your house tidy? Do they always finish their homework on time?

“That puppy really likes you!”

“Dad and I were so proud of the way you behaved tonight at our friend’s house. You were polite and tried to join in the conversation.”

“Wow, how creative. I like how you used the color purple here”

Leave a heart-shaped note in your child’s jacket pocket thanking him/her for a job well done on a task they always do around the house.

In order to remind themselves to use praise, some parents find it helpful to make a note and put it where they can see it often. The note might read, “notice the positive” or “catch ’em doing good.”.

Catch your kids being good. It will have a profound effect on the atmosphere in your home. Whatever it takes, I assure you it will be worth it.

How do you reinforce the behavior in your household? Let us know in the comments below!

Ever wonder why some days your kids just seem to test you, rebel against you or resist everything you ask of them? That happened to me a couple of days ago and I want to share with you how I resolved this issue.
My family has been on holidays for the past two weeks. Due to a variety of life circumstances, my hubby and I were in need of a huge break from regular life. So, the fact that we had grandparents around, ready and willing to look after our kids so that we could sleep in and generally do what we wanted without the kids, felt like a blessing. The problem? We forgot one of the most basic rules of good parenting.
Let me step back a bit before I go into that. You see, when I say that my hubby and I were sleeping in and doing what we wanted I also must add that personally, I just wanted to be on my own, without the kids. This may sound harsh because anyone who knows me knows that I adore my kiddies and I love spending time with them. However, the freedom of reading what I wanted and relegating all responsibility to my parents was kind of a nice break for a few days. For example, while we were out for a family walk I was holding my son’s hand yet my back started hurting a bit because my son was walking slower than me which made my back twist every time I took a step. So, I let his hand go and said, “Go hold daddy’s hand, my back hurts.” After a day of me unconsciously pushing him away I began to see some undesirable results.
That night, everything my husband and I asked him to do he resisted. He even used a snarky tone and said, “No, I won’t do that!” which is COMPLETELY out of character for him. What usually worked with him was not working and the resistance grew more and more as the night progressed. In fact, the evening ended with me putting the story book down at night and saying, “No story tonight. You’ve really disappointed me” and him crying.
Although this is difficult to share, as it is so unlike me (and him) I felt it important to share because this sometimes happens with the parents I coach. Everything is going great and then BOOM! Negative behaviour or resistance appears and they think their luck has run out and now this stage or age is going to be the difficult one. Until… I coach them on this important point.

Children’s main desire is to feel loved, and there are four ways that they feel loved.

They are:

Focused attention

Physical Contact

Eye Contact

Discipline

During those couple of days, I had basically removed all focused attention, physically let go of his hand, and didn’t give much eye contact except to discipline him. Are you beginning to solve that problem I asked earlier? Wow! You must be a parenting coach! No, you see? Parenting isn’t rocket science. It’s just about knowing a few specific things, being reflective and then taking action.After my husband and I reflected on my son’s behaviour, we realized that WE needed to step up and change a few things. So, the next morning my hubby got up when our son did and connected with him. Not in a major way, just asked him questions and showed interest in what he was talking about. Then I woke up, came over to him, looked him right in the eye to say, “Good Morning, Sweetie” while I rubbed his hair (there’s that physical contact!) and then proceeded to interact naturally with him and the rest of our family. Later that morning, we told him we were going to go to our friend’s house so we all had to get ready. The day before he would have refused, but today he was willing.
After we got dressed we walked to the car and I asked him, “Can I hold your hand?” His response? “Of course you can, Mommy!” While we walked in silence he then snuggled into me, kissed my hand, and said, “Mmm… cozy!”
Our son was amazing and polite the rest of the day and that evening I left his room the way we usually do. Then, the child who is usually too shy/reserved to go up and kiss people came out of his room and to each of us (grandma and grandpa included) asked if we would like a kiss! For him to do this on his own was shocking as it’s out of his comfort zone for sure.
Some parents might say, that’s it? That’s really ALL you did and his behaviour turned around? Yes. It really doesn’t take that much for kids to feel loved and WANT to intrinsically be have, be polite and be happy. They will show you they aren’t getting what they need from you by acting out. There is ALWAYS a reason.
So, the next time you notice your kids acting abnormally different or worse, take some time to reflect and see if your children are truly feeling loved using the 4 criteria above then watch the way things can just “magically” change.

This article is taken from another source. Views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not be the views of From The Pulpit and DiscoMaulvi. To submit content for From The Pulpit, please email FromThePulpit [at] MuhammadAly [dot] Com.

How to be a Stress-Free Parent This YearA new year is about to unfold. Are you going to be in the driver’s seat as to how it unfolds? Or are you going to be a passenger in the backseat, just going along for the ride? We’ve all felt the way the latter feels. I remember when I would feel like I was a hamster running on a hamster wheel, just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. I’m not sure why I always use animals to describe how I feel, but I also remember describing myself as running around like a “chicken with it’s head cut off”. Basically, the essence of what I was feeling inside when I used to describe myself was a feeling of being out of control and just surviving. Is this TRULY the way to live life? Especially with children?
You see, when we live life like this everything seems complicated and becomes difficult. When we’re frazzled, our children seem to act up. Coincidence? Not really. When our house is cluttered and untidy, do our kids whine that they’re bored or are they hyperactive? Most often, yes. If we are always rushing from one lesson to the next, do we have a lot of extra patience for our kids? Nope. In the modern world we live in, it is very easy to let life lead us leading IT. However, imagine if you were able to actually CHOOSE how your daily life played out?
Imagine waking up before the kids and drinking a cup of warm water with lemon while you set an intention for your day.
Imagine having your kids wake up happy and get dressed quickly and easily.
Imagine having a place to put your things and your kid’s things so that you never had to be stressed and wonder where something is
Imagine having regular routines or rituals that your family participated in each and every day or week that made you bond closely?
Life can be designed, but it takes spending some time and thought, and sometimes getting support, to make it how you would like. I encourage you to spend some time on New Year’s Day or the day after and write down three things you would like to have more of in your life this year. I’d also suggest you come up with two or three things that are not serving you and let them go – whether they be something in your schedule, your home, or your personal life such as a “friend” or an emotion.
The last part of this exercise would be to write out how you can acquire the things you want in your life. Do you need support, to hire someone, to schedule in something, to ask for help, or create a routine?
If you need a place to start with this whole exercise, here is a quick and easy activity for you. Doing this will help you see where you need to focus and then you can narrow it down even further if need be.Read these statements and answer “yes”, “no” or “sometimes”.

My home feels like a cozy, calm space for me and my family, free of excess.

My schedule allows me to accomplish what I want.

I have all the time I need to replenish my energy.

My kids have routines that allow them to accomplish what they need to everyday.

I feel balanced and fulfilled, most of the time.

I feel like I easily provide nutritious meals for my family on a regular basis.

I have organizing systems in place that fully support my day-to-day life.

I set a good example for my children when it comes to how to live a balanced and healthy life.

My kids listen to me when I ask them to do something or stop doing something.

If you have much bigger dreams for your home, family, schedule, and life than where you’re at today and you finally want to be able to describe yourself as a stress-free parent, then do the exercise described above, and if need be, seek out the support you need to make your dreams a reality! Here’s to a fulfilling, meaningful and “in the driver’s seat” kind of year!

This article is taken from another source. Views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not be the views of From The Pulpit and DiscoMaulvi. To submit content for From The Pulpit, please email FromThePulpit [at] MuhammadAly [dot] Com.

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I cannot count the number of times I’ve either heard my coaching clients or parents on the street say, “My child just doesn’t listen to me!” or “Why can’t he/she just listen?”

There are two issues here:

The child doesn’t have a healthy level of respect for the parents’ authority (as hard as this may be to admit)

The parent is making the request at the wrong time.

Luckily, there are two great solutions to these issues.

I’ll never forget my first year of teaching. I was fresh out of university and was hired to teach French to a class that had gotten two other teachers to quit; they saw me as their new challenge and boy did they challenge me! I spent months trying to use every technique I had ever been taught – nothing worked. I tried talking to them, bribing them, yelling at them, punishing them, rewarding them yet nothing seemed to improve. One day I called the parent of one of the more difficult students to inform them, once again, of their son’s rude behaviour. The response I got from the father shook me to my core. He said, “Look, I can’t make him respect you. You have to do that.” How embarrassing!

“What do I do now?” I thought. After a lot of thought, prayer and contemplation I devised a 4 step discipline technique that I would try to use over and over again; I was tired of trying so many different strategies. And truly, once I really thought about things, I realized that the kids didn’t know what to expect from me because I kept changing my relationship and expectations with them.

It only took a few days to notice a HUGE improvement and by the end of that year even the most difficult kids cried at having to leave my class and move on to a new teacher. I had earned their respect and when I asked them to do something…or not to do something, they intrinsically wanted to listen.

This is what every parent needs to do. Once respect is there, not just love, but a genuine respect, then parenting becomes easy, simple and an extremely joyful, stress-free experience.

Using a simple, consistent form of discipline is key, as is enjoying special moments together as a family and spending one-on-one time with each child. Furthermore, specific praise as well as non-verbal praise needs to be present. If all of these areas are present between parent and child you’ve got yourself a winning situation and a child who will listen to you.

The second issue I see as being a problem with parents I coach is in the timing of their request.

We have our own agendas and when we want out kids to do something we want it done NOW so we can move on to our next task. Although this is understandable, we must understand and respect that our children have their own agendas and even though they seem trivial to us, they are very important to our kids. No one likes spur-of-the-moment interruptions, so be considerate.

Make the request after their TV program is over, during a commercial or at least not during an exciting part. If you have the option to pause the movie or program do so, then make your request, but be very specific. For example, “After this show it’s time to ________.”

Use praise or thank yous when your child listens well. For example, “Thanks for coming so quickly after your program was finished, I appreciate that.” Then solidify the compliment with a quick smile, back rub, thumbs up, or squeeze of the hand.

Putting a few things into practice will change the dynamics in your family dramatically, as well as your relationship with your child – what’s better than that?

This article is taken from another source. Views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not be the views of From The Pulpit and DiscoMaulvi. To submit content for From The Pulpit, please email FromThePulpit [at] MuhammadAly [dot] Com.