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There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

My god, this is the greatest convention of all time. I am liberal and give Republicans a bunch of shit, but man they know how to party.

Conventions are usually the worst as its a mixture of party diehards and establishment candidates (with a few handpicked “others” who make it through an arduous screening process) who are essentially tossing red meat into the lions den. You won’t hear economic policies or foreign affairs because FUCK BORING ASS POWERPOINT :jerk off motion:.

However, this Donald Trump coronation has been a treat. There really isn’t a better way to describe it than that. Take away your political views, remember these conventions don’t mean anything long-term (surely the Berniebros will make it fun for the Democrats), and let’s just enjoy this recap of what’s gone down in Cleveland.

Melania Trump might’ve failed if she turned her speech in on TurnItIn.com

The greatest part about all of this? Holy shit, they actually nominated Donald J. Trump as the official nominee. There is no backing out of this now (unless he gets bored if his poll numbers were to tank) and of course it will stop getting funny if he really turns this boat around.

But let’s revel in this for the time being as this is just a glorious occasion. We are also getting Dr. Ben Carson to wake up and get high on stage for a bit!

Again though, remember all that talk earlier in the year about how we were probably going to have a contested convention and all this chaos was going to occur? Let’s stop propagating that impossible (but fun) scenario. If Donald Trump, a guy who literally just says shit and makes fun of people’s dick size, can easily and comfortably be elected the nominee….anyone can.

A Donald Trump candidacy could very well be disastrous downticket for the GOP. It could cause a mini exodus that could set the party back a cycle. His unpopularity ratings are sky high, his party is keeping him at a firm’s arm length, and there really seems no way you can filter him. He’s about as extreme of a candidate a major party can nominate. He doesn’t even know what he believes in for fuck’s sake.

But he can win with really minimal resistance at best. This was about as close to a contested convention in our lifetime (aka milennials #POKEMONGOBITCHES) and it was about as sterilized as one could be. There were some rogue delegates who eventually didn’t do shit and lots of words were wasted on proposing this theory.

The Republican Party stoked the party flames after the election of Obama into unprecedented dominations of the 2010 and 2014 midterm election cycles. If turnout is a bit lower, they fucking have the formula to do big things. They anger their base so much that the left really can’t find any traction since they can dominate the airwaves. The center just goes “meh” and moves on.

Enough about that. Let’s fucking enjoy this clown car until we are forced to reap what we sow.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

Well this is later than anticipated but as we all know, Indiana Governor Mike Pence has been chose as the running mate for real-life anal fissure Donald Trump. Pence is on the ticket primarily because he gives conservatives a shoutout, makes them feel important to the conversation and oh…he’s a tremendous bag of dicks.

What we have here with Pence’s language is that whole “don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin” shit that has been propped up on social media by my friends who don’t want to seem bigoted. Pence does that thing where he doesn’t scream homophobic slurs and insists he might’ve had a gay friend, so in your mind you go “oh, he doesn’t seem THAT bad!”. That line of thinking is ridiculous.

Enacted horribly restrictive abortion bills that were struck down by a federal judge

Co Sponsored an anti-abortion bill that tried to redefine rape.

Take a look at this charmer. Creepy Uncle Mike over here wants to basically make America a paleo-religious society that thinks equality is icky. I’m actually 100% sure he’s probably said icky.

Oh, let’s also realize he once advocated for money that was to go to HIV/AIDS patients be redirected to in essence, help them pray away the gay.

This is what made Mike Pence a more palatable pick than say, someone like blowhard Chris Christie or NOW! That’s What I Call Irrelevance poster boy Newt Gingrich. Christie is somewhat like-minded but everyone fucking hates him. Gingrich excites no one under the age of 69.

Pence on the other hand, is lowkey enough to look “mature” next to Donald Trump. If Trump is attacked for his hourly hot takes of xenophobia, supporters will point to the calm man to his right on the statesmanship of the ticket. Guys like Pence are almost inherently more dangerous than human bidets like Trump as you know, they’ve actually done things that restricted people. Pence has gotten things done, or at least stood in the way, and having him anywhere near the presidency would be terrifying under any circumstances.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

Massive North Jersey stereotype Chris Christie, last nationally seen thinking “I’ve made a huge mistake”, might actually be the nominee for Vice President of a major political party. This is hilarious in itself because Christie is one of few high-caliber Republicans who has no choice but to embrace the tangerine hemorrhoid but also, the fact that Chris Christie is a repulsive egomaniac (well, a politician) who has pretty much pissed off every person in New Jersey.

That’s not a lie. Between his bungling of federal grants, his continued fucking over of Atlantic City, and his tiring rants to continue his cringeworthy schtick of “telling it like it is”; Christie has pretty much zero allies in a state that essentially gifted him his re-election.

Every politician has enemies because that’s the nature of the job. You can’t just hate someone because, you know, tough choices do have to be made. I get that and we all should realize there’s no perfect solution.

That being said, Christie has fucked over New Jersey taxpayers time and time again. This isn’t just “oh, he might’ve used a helicopter” which is like….0.01% of my tax money…but full-fledged taking money from citizens.

A lot of people do have some iffy beliefs on teachers’ unions. I’m not here to tell you why, but to just say that if you are a New Jersey teacher; there is very little chance you are supporting a governor who believes all those things.

Not just teachers though.

Police

One of the main reasons for Chris Christie’s appeal is his tough on crime motif that touts his experience as a former prosecutor. But if you are a member of the New Jersey police force, you might be pretty pissed at this fuckstick.

….that’s Chris Christie’s motto. It’s a schtick, much like an insult comic egging the audience. But Chris Christie has proven himself to be something else.

Nobody. You know the fringe acquaintance you have that makes multiple Facebook statuses a day that get two likes? The one who says they are single because “they are nice” and “people nowadays don’t appreciate that”. The one who says they don’t get along with people because “well I don’t hold back! I just tell it like it is!” even though they have the tact of a horny orangutan?

That’s Chris Christie. He picks fights because it looks good publicly. Everyone hates institutions! “Why don’t we just have a guy who fights for me and not them!” says the guy who buys Copenhagen and wears work boots 24/7 (while unemployed). That guy loves seeing a Governor yell at people without doing shit because it LOOKS like he’s doing something!

Partially that explains the phenomenon of Donald Trump whose lack of censor and overcompensation has been praised by those upset about female Ghostbusters. However, Trump made Christie look like a fucking choir boy. I’ve never seen a person’s takes so castrated, and minus making fun of Marco Rubio (a failed Pokemon Go server who came to life), Christie looked like a pathetic absentee Governor who was short on everything and paled in comparison.

Telling it like it is can be a good quality. Really, sometimes people need to be honest. But when there’s nothing to say, you look like a guy who is desperately clinging on to the one person who can possibly make him relevant again before he lives a life of anonymity as a C-list speaker at AdvoCare seminars.

A big thing I’m into but never have really gotten around to blogging about is boxing. I was raised in a family that was all about the heavyweights of the 70s through 90s but all I did was keep track of the big names until the last few years.

For casual fans who might have felt ripped off from the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, the news about the potential November superfight between Sergey “Krusher” Kovalev and Andre “S.O.G.” Ward probably slipped by.

Kovalev, a Russian with crushing power is widely considered the best light heavyweight (175 pounds) on the planet. His destruction of the old but savvy Bernard Hopkins propelled him to a national audience and his prolonged torture he gave to Jean Pascal only furthered his dominance. A fight with lineal champion Adonis Stevenson fell through (however, it didn’t really seem close to coming to fruition) and Kovalev has been patiently waiting for a big match. With an attitude that seems equally sarcastic or villainous depending on perspective, Kovalev can be a polarizing figure as allegations of racism has dogged him in the past.

Ward on the other hand blew apart the super middleweight division (168) through the “Super Six” tournament in which he outclassed Mikkel Kessler, Allan Green, Artur Abraham and Carl Froch. The display that Ward put on in the tournament gives him one of the better resumes in boxing and if it weren’t for a couple years of promotional disputes and injuries that led to basically three years of inactivity, he’d be the number one pound for pound fighter on the planet.

Ward’s slow comeback has led to a dismantling of journeyman Paul Smith in 2015 and the outclassing of Cuban Sullivan Barrera earlier this March. Ward also has a tuneup fight scheduled against veteran Alexander Brand (not expected to be a challenge) in preparation for the possible November showdown against Kovalev.

Today, Kovalev had to take care of his own business against Isaac Chilemba. In his native Russia, for the first time since a fight in 2010 that led to the tragic passing of Roman Simakov, the fight was widely considered a tune-up for Ward. Chilemba is a gritty fighter, with subpar power and a good chin but also has solid counter-punching skills. Now, no one is on the same planet as Ward when it comes to fighting in a phone booth but Chilemba offers a sort-of RC Cola version of it.

The fight itself wasn’t the most thrilling minus a very big 7th round knockdown of Chilemba. Kovalev was able to make good usage of his powerful jab but often was knocked off balance by Chilemba’s slippery approach. Kovalev won by unanimous decision however, again it wasn’t the most impressive performance by him and in fact might lead some to think Ward could have an easier time than anticipated.

I don’t really like recapping something you already saw or something you just know the results of so instead I’ll kind of provide the most telling thoughts and what it means for the future.

Isaac Chilemba

First things first, Isaac Chilemba is not some chump. Some analysis leading up to the fight made him seem like he was fucking going to play with his dick until Kovalev delivered the first 1-2.

Instead Chilemba showed a solid chin, very strong endurance, and some decent counter punching skills including a nice hook that rocked Kovalev’s head back in round 6. Chilemba is not gifted with power and that showed as Kovalev was able to walk through his biggest shots. This is perhaps a boxer that can be ranked in the bottom quarter of the top-10 in his division. The big Kovalev shots did hurt him in Rounds 7, 8 and 12 but otherwise he made a very good account of himself and chose his shots effectively enough to win a few rounds.

One thing in boxing I have learned is that there’s more than just pound-for-pound greats and tomato cans. There’s plenty of fighters that may not be Hall of Famers or icons who still can do some great things. Chilemba’s stock might have even slightly risen after tonight.

Sergey Kovalev

I’m no boxer. I just watch this shit on TV so to pretend I know what’s fucking best is a laughingstock. However, as a coach potato and a cross country runner (clearly someone who knows combat sports, that combo), I do see a benefit of Kovalev going through all twelve rounds. Both Pascal fights didn’t make it out of the eighth and a mandatory fight with fringe contender Nadjib Mohammedi ended in three. Really minus the Hopkins fight, that Kovalev thoroughly dominated, Kovalev hasn’t seen the distance since a six round match in 2010.

HBO’s Howard Lederman stated that Kovalev looked lazy at times. I’ve seen the word lethargic too. I can see both being pretty adept but I don’t think boxers the caliber of Kovalev and Ward dismiss fighters. If anything I think Kovalev was either confused at times or just waiting for an opening that seldom came. Chilemba was able to just slip in a jab to break up a combo or evade Kovalev enough to have nothing land.

Andre Ward

However, Chilemba is a good boxer but again he’s no Andre Ward. Ward has this almost supernatural ability to detect a punch coming and immediately counter. He’s not as powerful as Kovalev (few are) but he certainly has quite a bit of pop in his glove and can fight on the inside better than nearly anyone.

Ward does have to take care of business with Brand, but as a relatively impartial observer (though admittedly a big fan of S.O.G. and Kovalev’s fighting); he can certainly do some damage against Kovalev and if I had a gun to my head, I’d probably imagine a fight being similar to a tactical affair that greatly benefits the American.

Things To Watch

First, Andre Ward will have fought three times in basically four years against fairly middling competition. His talent and resume are great but Kovalev is definitely a big step up from Sullivan Barrera. I would’ve been okay with a fight against someone like Yunieski Gonzalez (who I believe beat Pascal in July 2015) and having that set up a Kovalev fight in January but I get that he was on short notice. Ward is going up in weight and has only fought at LHW twice which does open up some thoughts.

Second, Kovalev certainly has to adapt but he has equalizing power. Very few hit harder than Kovalev and he has a warrior-like mean streak in the ring. Kovalev is talented and powerful but certainly not some careless brawler and his jab can hurt. He has 12 rounds in the backpocket against an ultra-lite version of Ward which definitely can help him.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

The point of this blog is basically for me to take a few minutes and be Mad Online by stupid shit I see floating around. If you ever have wondered if I wrote something based off of something you did, it’s probably 100% accurate.

Being online is really just finding out which one of your friends you hate the most. You see horrible political takes, shit conspiracy theories, awful opinions on hot button issues or horrendous spelling errors. Usually all of those are related to a single post.

But there is one thing I talk about a lot. The number sixty nine.

Another thing is this trend that continues to float around by people who I should’ve unfriended but I solely still stay in contact with just so I have more material. In fact, a little op-ed in the New York Post came out recently about “I’m a millennial and my generation sucks”.

It’s the usually trash and shit opinions that people my age do to impress, I don’t know, their dead grandfather. But its a constant. Every generation hates the next, that’s only natural and totally normal. However, the new little “man, why do we all suck nowadays?” argument by twentysomethings is probably worse than Zika. Its just so fucking cringeworthy.

I would normally go through the article and tell you piece-by-piece why its shit, but I don’t even feel like it so I’ll show you guys the Gawker post on it. It was almost as embarrassing as that one viral post that woman did about how the downfall of society is the word “bae”.

But instead, let’s just talk this out real quick.

No one is fucking impressed that you hate people your own age. Really no one. For people who hate participation trophies for some odd reason, it’s almost like they want one for their lukewarm take on life. Old people fucking suck and their generations were way worse. We learn in history class that basically all American history can be described as is one giant fuck-up. Sure people wore cooler clothes, can’t deny that, but there is really nothing much better that happened during then.

Selfies are just fucking pictures of you. It takes like half-a-second and yeah, I’d rather see a picture of people rather than some bullshit landscape of the beach. I don’t get the anger over selfies. Yeah a million of them are annoying but so are all of us in general.

If the worst thing about society is fucking smartphones and trophies, than we are by far the greatest generation that has ever existed. It totally beats the problems that previous generations have had.

Let’s just get this straight though. You are the problem. You are a bag of dicks whose ranting about society trying to become equal (“why can’t I use racial/sexist/homophobic slurs anymore?) is the reason why we need things that you hate such as safe spaces. Yes, you can have differing opinions because that’s what is good about this hellhole but if you genuinely are offended by progress, then you deserved to be raked over the coals.

Millenials suck in the same way we all do. We are humans and we are all guaranteed to die. But talking about how you are 26, but deep down feel, 46 doesn’t fucking mean shit. Congrats you like Ron Swanson.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

Holy shit, everyone is stupid and we should just root for a Trump Presidency on the sole basis that he gets us into a nuclear war after the Algerian Prime Minister makes fun of his dick. We deserve it. Honestly, I’m genuinely of the belief that if we get Donald Trump as the Commander-in-Chief society earned the right to collapse upon itself.

Why? Not because you voted for him because OH MY GOD ALL OF YOU ARE EQUALLY WRONG. I earnestly cannot handle it anymore because all of your, my friends, have driven me to the point where I think my obituary will just read as “Thank God”.

There is no conspiracy against the candidate you are hoping gets the Oval Office. Hillary Clinton has the transparency of a brick wall. She’s been in the public eye for like thirty years. She has been the establishment choice since 2004. Of course the primary/caucus system which is a two-year beauty contest followed by five long months of voting is DESIGNED for the best funded and most legitimate contender to win. This is nothing new. Also, she’s not tweeting. You know this.

Bernie Sanders didn’t lose because of some vast conspiracy. If you think Middle America is going to go out of their way to fucking elect a 75-year old Socialist who doesn’t know dick about foreign policy, then you probably should go back to not paying attention. Yeah, the primary system needs tweaking and the big banks need to be targeted. Of course he’s leading the polls! No one gives a shit about him besides your friends who are shocked that other people who aren’t 20-25 year olds who do Crossfit vote. All of my friends went to Kutztown University, how come more people heard of Harvard?

Then there’s Donald Trump who honestly doesn’t say shit. You are voting for a game of madlibs and adjectives. He only appeals to mouthbreathing anti-participation trophy fucks who only have the opinion “oh well, what about the troops?”. This guy is conning you so badly but if you guys would’ve known that, you wouldn’t be fucking voting for him. You honestly are picking the fake billionaire that inherited wealth and just talks!

How can you call Bernie unrealistic when this motherfucker is talking about bringing back jobs and putting a force field around our borders! How can you call Hillary crooked when Trump has basically tried to buy every politician he could and has had to shut down like….half his businesses because they sucked. He’s a television personality with the gravitas of a fried Oreo and the policy ideas of a guy who lived in a boxcar in the 1940s. How can you shit on Jeb Bush for being a career politician when this asswipe has threatened to run for President since 1988?

Oh and we will never elect a fucking third party to the Presidency nor will one debate unless they are a multi-trillionaire. Gary Johnson is polling well because again, no one knows who the fuck he is, and once we get down to November he’ll be back to polling at 3% only to drop to 1%. Stop perpetuating a third party. If you think the two party system is broken, A THIRD ONE WON’T MAKE THINGS BETTER. If you really want to change things, research your local candidates. It shouldn’t be this tough but then again, I am talking to no one.

None of you, including me, knows shit. Just because this is the first few months you’ve paid attention doesn’t make you fucking right. Just because you have been following this for years doesn’t validate your goddamn opinion. We are all wrong. We all suck. We all deserve to basically eat our own shit.

There’s a website called Twitter, and I have an account in which you can follow me@TheJoekes

So today is a bit of an interesting day in what has been a mentally exhausting political campaign season that still really hasn’t begun in earnest yet. Upon her victory in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton has essentially clinched the Democratic nomination for President ahead of the last states left to vote. So with it being the last day in primary/caucus season, you would assume she was ready to go but there is a bit of reasoning why it’s not completely set in stone yet.

Bernie Sanders

So a lot of Bernie Sanders supporters that I know are staunchly for the Vermont Senator and it makes sense. Regardless of your views on him and his platform, he does seem to be a genuine believer and his populist ideals and proposals make him attractive to a lot of voters. While the messaging is different, this is no different than previous candidates such as Ron Paul, Howard Dean, Eugene McCarthy, George McGovern, etc.

Young voters come out and support these candidates and like McGovern (who would win the nomination before getting trounced in the general by Richard Nixon), Bernie Sanders was incredibly competitive. The fact that a 74-year old Independent Senator with fairly low national name recognition did as well as he did is astounding. It’s not unprecedented, but its still pretty rare.

Now was that due to his ideals? Were they striking a chord with voters? Or was it due to the fact that he was essentially just scooping up the voters who did not like Hillary Clinton?

Nonetheless, Bernie Sanders has done an impressive job. Martin O’Malley looked like a real candidate but had nothing of note to talk about other than being “that other guy”. Jim Webb was far too right/moderate to have any legitimate shot at a nomination and no one knows why Lincoln Chafee ran including Linc himself. Poor fucking dude.

Superdelegates!

Now people should realize that Hillary Clinton is the “presumptive” nominee but that has not officially been named the nominee. Calling her, as of this moment, the final choice would be incorrect.

Hillary Clinton has earned the presumptive tag through a collection of won delegates (delegates that are bound to her on the first ballot) and a bevy of “superdelegates”. Superdelegates are a group of Democrats (Senators, Governors, Congresspeople, party officials, etc.) that can vote for whomever they damn well please. They can support anyone from Clinton, Sanders, O’Malley or a Jenner. However, their vote is not official until the party convention.

In the easiest way to explain, a superdelegate’s commitment is no different than a high school senior “verbally” committing to a university. They have made their intentions clear but its not 100% certain and they can back out at any time. Hillary has trounced Bernie in this regard. But, as most supporters will tell you, it’s not official and superdelegates can be convinced to flip their vote.

So Can Bernie Win?

Of course. He just needs to convince hundreds of superdelegates who committed to Hillary to switch their vote.

Now this is where it gets confusing and I have to mention something. How the fuck does he plan on doing that?

But the key word is “electability”. Hillary is an unpopular candidate, at this point nowhere close to Trump in favorability, but there have been some polls showing them tight. Bernie on the other hand, trounces Trump’s in most general polls.

Now why is that? It’s pretty simple. Hillary has essentially been the leading 2016 presidential candidate since Obama was inaugurated in 2008. Not a single Democrat, sans maybe Joe Biden or Elizabeth Warren, has been treated seriously as a competitor until Bernie blasted his way into the picture. Hillary Clinton has faced the most scrutiny, the most negative ads, the most publicity since that timeframe. Ever misstep, or every victory for that matter, has been highlighted.

Bernie Sanders on the other hand? Well, there’s no need to attack a guy who probably won’t win the election as has been mostly clear since March. His favorability numbers are high because frankly, he’s not in the news as much and the Republican machine has felt really no reason to attack him. Even the Clinton campaign and the DNC has been fairly accommodating to him. There’s been very few calls for Sanders to drop out by legitimate party officials. In fact, the most prominent one was by Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley who said that if Bernie has no legitimate chance, he should drop out. Merkley is Sanders lone Senate endorsement.

In fact, PolitiFact cited that while Bernie and his supporters are correct in that he’s polling better against Trump than Clinton, there is a “but…..” to that. Attacking Sanders would be akin to say, Hillary attacking Kasich towards the end of his run. While Sanders was far more successful, the end result was still the same.

So What Can Bernie Do?

Well the first answer is drop the fuck out. I do think it would be counterproductive to do it tonight, after his supporters have worked their genitalia off in support of him, but the time for unity should come sometime within the week.

But let’s say he fights this and again, he still does have a “chance” (air quotes emphasized) how can he possibly convince superdelegates he’s most likely to be a better general election campaign?

His best bet probably would to try and push the “indictment” angle. However, that has a high rate of backfiring as I think insinuating that Hillary Clinton could be put in jail won’t go over too well. But it maybe could create doubt.

Overall electability will be tough. Barack Obama was harshly attacked for maybe being a Socialist because he said some generic bullshit to a guy who wasn’t actually a plumber. Now, how will a 75-year old career politician who embraces the socialist tag be accepted? The phrase “socialist”, according to a Gallup poll, is the most unpopular thing a presidential candidate can be called.

Bernie Sanders represents a small state with little electoral votes in Vermont. He can’t argue that he brings a swing state like Ohio or Florida to the table.