"The mark of an immature man is that he would die knobly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he would live humbly for one" - Catcher in the Rye
-WARNING WRITER SPELLING CHALLENGED! But Sometimes you have to say "what the fuck!"

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I love ABC, Alan Fry, the 80's, though at the time I dealt with extreme bouts of depression and sadness. Through studying Buddhism, I know depression stems from a state of mind and I control my emotions. Playing the victim gets me nowhere. Still, betrayal, negligence, suffering, wounds, still now & then cause me to bleed....

Keep On with the Force Dont Stop...Only through forgiveness will I be free & able to heal. Move on. Close that chapter of my so called life. Though betrayal feels like a python squeezing out my every breath, thought, feeling. Crushing my dreams, desires. Until all there is left is the pain of betrayal. The sting. The numbness. The fight or flight. Which Yoda would say "leads to the Dark Side". Anger.....

911 was an Inside Job!!!!Thoughts of Bush and his lies, and what he did to our Country and our troops, not to mention innocent Iraqis...... Betrayal & Lies..... How can humans with conscience NOT OBSESS and GET ANGRY???? This is the tightrope of anger & sanity I deal with daily. I have a hard time tuning this out. Numbing it out. With PTSD I have extreme fight and/or flight. No in-between. When something bothers me, or threatens me (or others) I react strongly in one of two basic ways: Extreme Fight or Extreme Flight. Numb like a robot or Oakland Mama is ghetto and spitting in your face.....

Un-Happy Valentines DayHolidaze always make me depressed. Triggers for depression. The past few Valentines day have been pretty bad, despite my being married. Betrayal, I was blinded by love, and being abused in my life, I just accepted things I should not have tolerated. My soon to be ex-husband was extremely controlling and emotionally/spiritually/financially abusive. He grew up Jehovah Witness and said holidays meant nothing to him. Yet he seemed to always pull some abusive stunt on a major holiday. Ruining it for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas, Mothers Day & Valentines Day. He is Bipolar and would not get help. Instead he would go through episodes and rage on me. Just like an alcoholic, you cant force someone to get help. No matter how much you love them or how happy the good times were. I know now that I deserve better and if he really loved me he would not let me suffer. So to the curb and life goes on... Like Gloria said "I will survive"

Love is a DiseaseI am over it. Done. I dont go to bars. I dont chat online. With PTSD, I now have agoraphobia. I stay home. I dont drink. The only time I will leave my house is to go to poetry readings or Buddhist events. Or occasionally to support a local band or an activist meeting. But never trolling bars and absolutely never sleeping around. Born again virgin. Done with dating for a bit. Heart is black again. Like Tupac and my tattoo, I trust No One. Just want to be alone for a bit and work on my books, my poetry and my artwork. And especially work on myself and healing....

Spit That Truth!!!This beat poetic genius has the same birthday as me. So does Ron Jeremy and James Taylor.

Get out of my life and out of my face!!! Beyotch!!!

Say Hello to My Little Friend!!!!!

4 All the HaterzI am keeping my chin up, head held high. Moving on up and on. And to the player haterz and assholes in my past. Git the hell out of my face!

Inbred & Chicken Fed v. Smokin Newports in Da Hood I can handle Valentines Day alone. Fuck It. I'm moving up. I love Baltimore. This blizzard has been C-R-A-Z-Y. I walked to the store, it was surreal. Living in Da Hood is great. There were chairs just sitting out by the curb. The gas station has all the items behind bullet proof glass. They only sell Newport and Maverick cigarettes. I'm like WOW. I got asked out on a date. The brother goes "what are you mixed with"? Everyone alwayz asks that. I use my divorce as an excuse. Well its the truth too. Im just so not ready. But especially with some guy at the gas station in the hood. I did get to bum a cigarette from him, a Newport. I'm thinking about moving to Berkeley Springs, West Virginia. George Washington bought a vacation home there and called it Bath. He believed the springs there to have magickal healing powers. Just what I need. Its a small town, 600 people, but mainly artists. Its in the middle of the Appalachian mountains, hopefully away from the Wrong Turn folk and the Deliverance Kin.

BowchicaBowWow!!!!Up, Up and Away. Onward and Upward. Attitude is Everything. You are what you think you are. We control our own destiny.

***This video has its own song because its copy wright wont let them play it. CHEAP!!!!

I am a SUPERSTAR.So are you. May the force be with you all. So Say We All. Live Long and Prosper. Nanoo Nanoo. xxxooo