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Picture the scene… three men in their prime, fully prepared, well read, research done, market offering defined, sales patter practiced and an excellent floor stand ready for the conference.

The reason you are struggling to picture this, especially if you attended the RANT Conference, is that this is exactly the opposite of what turned up on the day. Three feckless fools turn up in yesterday’s clothes, unprepared and with a disastrous, incoherent cornucopia of swag and content for their stand. Regularly contradicting each other, sometimes it seems just for fun, our three ‘presenters’ muddled through the day with their shoddily spelt swag, poorly prepared patter and all round pretty poor presentation skills.

Still, nobody seemed to notice.

It was an excellent day all round, and Host Unknown would like to thank Acumin, especially Simon and Donna, for putting their personal reputations as well as that of the RANT Conference itself on the line and graciously allowing Host Unknown to play a part.

We do feel a little bit let down by our so called “internet phenomenon” hosts who took the Host Unknown brand on the road at the 2014 RANT Conference. Even with all of that help and support (and money) we gave them, they still couldn’t get a stand that stood out from the rest.

We have just had three gentlemen leave the offices of Host Unknown, and it is with broken fingers a clear conscience that we feel we must set a few facts right about the forthcoming RANT Conference.

The two gentleman accompanying the lawyer were very ‘persuasive’ in their arguments, and as they were putting away their snooker balls and socks a sudden change of heart came about us and we decided to clear up any misunderstanding once and for all. For clarity their lawyer let us use his notes to ensure we didn’t forget anything. We wish to thank him for his consideration, kindness, and supply of tissue to clean up with.

Host Unknown is not known for their philanthropic adventures; we are in it for the fame, glory and above all the money.

The RANT Conference is not a fledgeling conference, but rather a power house of modern, security focussed thinking bringing together the brightest lights in the industry to ensure the future is a better, more secure place for our children.

Host Unknown is not playing a keynote role, but turning up for the free food and chance to vent its spleen about the information security in a cynical and frankly, upsetting way.

There were no negotiations for a booth in the vendor hall of the conference. Rather, Host Unknown begged “for any space, it doesn’t have to be much, even by the toilets is OK“.

There is no need for more class and respectability in the vendor area as those in attendance (Host Unknown excepting) are the very pinnacle of the information security industry.

Host Unknown recognises that all attendees will get a huge amount of benefit from attending the conference and watching the sessions. The most anyone could expect from Host Unknown is some badly produced swag, three idiots and a camera.

Now all of this is cleared up, we hope the snooker brothers will not see a need to visit our offices again and inflict further damage ask politely for a further clarification. We are still looking forward to seeing you there and hope that none of the above put you off from coming and saying hello and donating to our medical bills charity fund.