Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Justice .. it seems we live in a world void of truth and justice.. I felt compelled to share this chapter of my book during this moment in our world wide human struggles for what is just and fair.. right now we are experiencing the Syrian Crisis.. I believe the Angels are watching us.. will we rise up into our humanity..or will we fall back into our barbaric patterns.. for true civilization to emerge..for humanity to truly evolve.. we must change from ” An eye for an eye.” towards ” Only love can drive out hate” world..for ” What we do to other we do to ourselves.” What then will be our judgement.. what Karma have we created? We must see them as us for humanity to become truly civil; just, equal and fair.

~From the book ~The Goddess an Expression of The Divine Feminine~ Available on Amazon.ca click on images to enlarge them

Athena

The Lady of Justice and Civilization, she stands proud, dignified and true to the ideals of a civilized society. She will fight the good fight; she does not war for the sake of warring, she wars for the realization of peace. Athena does not believe in peace at all costs; she will not give up on freedom and liberty from oppressive forces. Athena’s civilization is the ideal of freedom for all not just a select few; as she understands within her deep spiritual wisdom that even the lowest in society can rise to the highest due to their own merits. She fights for the weak and the infirm as it is just to do so, anything less would be barbaric; and this she fights against.

As an archetypical personality she is impartial and unemotional in her search for truth; the whole truth and nothing but the truth will do. She will not tolerate exaggeration and drama; she keeps her inner balance to bring outer balance forward; she evaluates the given situation at hand with wisdom and knowledge, she seeks the facts and she acts with compassion and mercy for all involved. With her sword she cuts through lies and deceit; she sees through the ego of mankind; through the weaknesses of greed and lust.

Athena is the masculine force in all women; she represents a woman coming into the age of wisdom; when she sees through illusion and lies to the heart of the truth. This woman will not hide from the cold hard truth as she knows it is the only way to peace; even if the truth is initially painful at first, she understands it is necessary to face in order to find sincerity.

The Athena archetype is the intellectual, she is logical; she rises up civilization to bring a strong foundation for the sciences and the arts. She seeks clear communication and mediation; with her wisdom she shows clear discrimination; her objective is truth, as it is the only way to true peace and to bring about culture; wisdom and knowledge for the betterment and for the evolution of the human soul.

Ok so follow me on this one.. I am going to be digressing and messing around with your ability to keep track of my spastic thoughts..

I was trail running this morning.. being December I was running over frozen mud and patches of ice trying to keep up my momentum without falling on my ass.. and as usual I was thinking. I am always thinking.. it’s exhausting..seriously wish I could take my brain out of my head and put it on ice. I need a vacation from my brain… anyway.. I was pushing myself though the end of my 15 km run..the last 3 km being the hardest..{thinking} bout people that push themselves to finish.. Steve Jobs flashed into my mind..then the poem ” The Crazy One’s” cause I am crazy one.. I was running 15 km in Dec ( she says sarcastically ) .. or < insert sarcasm here > but then I remembered the DATE.. ” Oh shit.. I believed that jerk for this entire time.. that was like 4 years ago..and I am so gullible I believed him up til this flash of sudden fucking awareness” You see he got me all worked up by telling me he wrote that poem for Steve Jobs ..and I believed him.. he went so far as to pretend to complete the rest of the poem..and I believed him.. gawd I am just too innocent and trusting for my own good.. stupid little Polly-Anna!

you can click on the Steve Jobs image to enlarge it if you like…

I thought this guy was a genius… but in a way he was.. very manipulative..smart enough to see that I was new to dating..newly separated and so I was like live bait… *sigh*

He put Steve Jobs in my head.. he was also an older man.. his pictures on the dating site were great..he kinda had a Spock/Steve thingy going on for him. Chatting with him on the site.. he was very intelligent. He said he was in a rehabilitation center for sleeping pill addiction.. that his work caused him great stress.. and I believed him; because my divorce lawyer had gone through the same thing. But my lawyer was a great guy, had his shit together so I figured this guy was in the same league .. I was so wrong. Your going to laugh at how wrong I was. I was wronger than wrong. I must of been insane.

We then talked for hours on the phone. I thought I was in love with his mind. I loved our conversations about physics/ quantum theory .. religion.. politics.. human rights..and sex. Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy with a huge brain; a distinguished-ness.. or class. Within a couple of weeks of texting and talking on the phone I was ready to meet him. He just had to finish his rehab..

He took a bus to meet me because he said he had to renew his licence..but couldn’t since being in rehab..but he couldn’t wait to meet me. I was so excited! I thought I was going to meet the love of my life. I really truly did. I thought ” This it!” [ I was so fucking dumb ] Oh my GAWD my dumb blond was showing!

I had planned to have him over to my place for dinner. I was going to pick him up from the Greyhound.. then have him over for dinner..than take him to his Hotel.. but this is what happened instead.. brace yourselves..

The man who got off the bus was not him.. it just wasn’t him ( he had used someone else’s picture ) He sorta looked like him..but he wasn’t him .. the guy who got off the bus.. had a hunched back —I am not fucking kidding— He had warts all over his face and neck..and hands —I am not fucking kidding— his clothes were worn out.. his sneakers.. yes they were sneakers.. looked like they were 20 years old going by fashion. He talked like a girl — I am not fucking kidding— he looked like the kinda weirdo that masturbated in public washrooms. { Ok now I am so ashamed } not only that..but when I started putting things together in my head it dawned on me rather suddenly that he wasn’t in rehab.. and why he didn’t have a car.. because he was a mental patient on a short leave… It was so HORRIBLE!

You are probably thinking. ” How could he be so smart but be ( I gotta say it ) one of The Crazy One’s?”

Because some of the craziest people are very brilliant.. true story..but incapable of living with the public because of chemical imbalances that cause them to be a harm to themselves or others.. he was that..and it was shocking to me how I had been such a tool myself. I was so fooled ..if I only knew then what I know now about dating and online dating..

We sat side by side in the Greyhound terminal for about 15 mins. I told him as kindly but as honestly that I could that he couldn’t come to my place for dinner.. I asked him were his Hotel was..and told him I would drive him to it. He told me he thought he was staying with me..that he didn’t have any money at all; only a 2 way ticket back to his ” rehab” the next day. I ended up putting him up at an expensive Hotel myself because it was one of the few available; because of a sporting even in town.. it was pricey..I paid for my stupidity..

Not only did I pay for my stupidity with the Hotel room and a very rude awakening to my too innocent and trusting nature ( that could get me in serious trouble ) but I also paid in cell phone bills..my phone wasn’t hooked up to .. wifi

So ya… reality bites!

I haven’t been on online dating for a long time.. just started again in the last couple of weeks..got sorta stood up for dinner tonight by a guy asking me to pay because his soon to be ex-wife just emptied the accounts and cleaned off the credit cards.. guess who passed up that?

I just wanna talk about the games that he plays.. how he takes what is whole to break it down.. just because… he is broken..

I wanna tell you how he is afraid to feel.. to face the emptiness he fills with brutality and cruelty.. just so he doesn’t have to cry.. I know why.. I know why.. why he plays these silly games to hide.. to hide from what he feels inside.. it’s so much easier just to fuck than it is to make love… so much easier it is for him.. conditioned as he is… to run away from a gentle touch.. as it hurts so much to look inside and not hide.. not hide from all the fears buried long ago.. long ago when he was a little boy.. and he was told he was a coward when he cried so now he hides behind guns and knives.

He hides behind the steel and the iron that he lifts to make strong on the outside… but inside he crumbles in the night.. alone with his thoughts he cannot hide.. any longer,.. and that is when he cries.. silent tears full of pride.and shame.. so much shame in having a tender heart.. so much shame in feeling everything.. that when he is given love.. when he is given compassion and a hug… he pushes away.. refusing to give way.. least the tenderness inside she should find… for if she did what would he have, to power play..to game her away..

Under all the steel, the bullets and the blades.. through the razor wire .. through the brutality and the mock cruelty is a little boy inside.. just wanting to be freed from the man in the beast..

But the closer that she gets to setting the child in him free the more he shows coldness and calculations to manipulate her away in fear.. he will do whatever it takes… pulling out his bag of tricks and snakes… anything to get her away..and off the path to his heart least it should break.. but little does he know.. and little is he aware.. that if he should let her in the pieces of his heart she will repair.. but he will not relent.. he has to win. .. he is hell bent…because he lives in the hell that he creates by not turning on the light inside of his own soul that only love can make bright..

And so it is he lets his demons out.. hell fire and brimstone .. bullets blazing, knives glazing soft exposed heart.. bruising and abusing her very soul..and her skin… he refuses to let her in… chasing her away with all it takes.. not relenting not giving in or giving her her a break from the storm within him… and so she runs to save herself from him..

And even though she grieves for the little boy inside of him.. she knows she must surrender ..it is a battle that cannot be won by either one..and so he has the field.. the swords all belong to him..and the knives and the horses and all the men.. and all the metals and power.. but even then.. the battle inside rages on inside of him.. as his heart remains broken..

Shattered and torn, red and raw..bloodied and bleeding sorrows uncried least it should shame him as not a man.. as weak as weakling.. as the boy he has abandoned that was abandoned long ago.. he sits alone… all alone..

A touch of madness as he smiles slyly to the side.. looking over his shoulder and I don’t know why.. and then he cries.. as the blood paints the moon.. a ride, a tide of rawness, make vulnerable brute force.. a contradiction, paradox.. a question answered with a question only leading to more questions that have no answers.. a chest of mystery.. red washed in passion and shame.. unspoken broken dreams..shattered hearts..brought together,.. repelling ..and then compelling .. magnetic pleasure and pain.. his expression masked then it falls and I see what he hides… or do I …

When the blood hits the moon.. when the blood hits the moon..

He tells me nothing, while meaning everything.. nothing matters making everything so plain… as there isn’t a tomorrow, the night is day..and what was sane is really crazy or is there no definition to anything.. and then he touches me .. I listen to his heartbeat from the inside.. mighty but exposed, protected but defenseless because I know the unknown.. but yet the thickness of the walls uphold .. the ultra-sensitive genius .. the caul..the mark of the mad, or is it the wise old soul.. the heart trembles as the blood rushes home..

When the blood fever takes hold.. when the blood fever takes hold..

I try to speak but no words can I make as his nakedness presses against mine, and entwined we become nothing at all but seeing more than what we can comprehend .. we forget everything we have ever known..but blood and wine, pleasure and pain, beauty in the brutality of sweet things left alone.. unopened gifts, and mysteries, things yet to be discovered.. to not know them, but the taste is so sweet, and the heartache so bitter, so bitter to know the honey that dwells there in.. there in the nightmare, the hellish places lives a thrill that makes me cry out.. and the tears release the pressure of heart about to explode..

Blood on the moon.. Blood on the moon..

The intensity gravitates us to the emancipation of the soul.. blood and bone.. bruised fruit.. ripened with fear..the emotions exposed..the juice flows and drips.. gushes forth..laughter on his lips.. the potion the poison and the elixir..to drive out the demons.. lovely demons.. the voices that speak quietly when no one listens.. playing games and tickling the lips of words not spoken.. closing in ..a heart again.. mushy and raw..pulp and all.. sometimes the decay is so sweet as it creates the wine that we drink.. it down.. the poison that cures it all.. all but the madness of the blood red moon..

I am really mad at myself.. because I fell into a mental and emotional trap .. the trap of slut shaming. When I first put up my website and published my book a couple of years ago.. well I was a freer spirit. It was like the fools leap, child’s play, art with absolute abandon.. much like I am in the bedroom, playful, passionate, affectionate and very physical. I am an intellectual, I am experimental and very open minded.. but silly little me I didn’t take into account how many people in my local community are exactly the opposite of me; and I hadn’t really socialized with anyone in my local professional community to know what a bunch of fake and repressed bunch they all are.. and so once I attempted to network within that community I was quickly give a BAD REP.. like they didn’t even know me personally but because I was topless on my blog and because I was talking candidly and openly about sexuality.. I was instant white trash, laughable slut material to them.. to make a long story short it all rubbed off on me.. like invisible blood spatter.. pretty soon I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually downing in this shame.. that wasn’t even mine.. and it began to sink in subconsciously .. after a sexual encounter with a local popular and wealthy business man..who afterwards sexually shamed me by telling me he couldn’t socialize with me but only have sex with me privately… I plunged into celibacy.. like it was over 2 years of being closed off physically and emotionally to men because of him..and the business community. And so I told myself, I was protecting my heart, and I was, but I was also making excuses for not facing my fears.. and my fear was them.. whoever they are.. there are so many of them.. putting their religious and flaky spiritual beliefs into my head and onto my body.. saying to me sex has to be within this or that context or you are nothing more than a slut.. like an animal to be dehumanized by us..and they did just that. And I suppose I must have believed them.. as I purified my blog, taking topless pictures of myself down, deleting blog post, and being sexless myself. It wasn’t me .. that isn’t me. I am not that person; they are, they feared me and so they imposed those fears onto me..becoming my jailers.. that is what happened..and I wasn’t strong enough to stand up until now.

A young man kissed me.. or I kissed him.. and he awakened me.. I was frozen so, cold .. I was deadened.. after he kissed me I verbally said ” Thank you” it was like my subconscious said it.. ” Thank you, thank you for freeing me, thank you for igniting my fire… thank you ”

And I came to realize that sex is pro choice.. that it is my body, it is my sexuality, even when I am sharing my body with another, it is mine. No one has a right to tell me my sexuality or me having sex with anyone else is bad.. even if I write about my sexual experiences in great detail,, if they don’t like it they can fucking move on, they can fuck off. How is it hurting them? Oh they think they can judge me or others as demoralizing society by owning my own body? Wtf? So they think they own the rights to my sexuality? They think that I have to wait for love and marriage or I am whore? Fuckem! I am a beautiful sexual woman, I am not going to stay in a frozen purified state, and shrivel up and die waiting for the right guy to come along.. and what is the right guy? And how the fuck does love start to begin with..but with a healthy dose of LUST..and who says I cannot just want lust for awhile..who says? Prudes that’s who says, people afraid of being free themselves who wish they were as free as I am .. or people with little to no sex drive who wish they has my appeal and stamina.. well that’s their fucking problem isn’t it.. ya it is!

It doesn’t make me shallow, or selfish to want to explore my sexuality with a younger man ( be a cougar ) can if I want to! And when I meet someone I want to be in a long term relationship regardless of his age…can if I want to.

And I know this for sure.. if I was a old lady out of her sexual prime… that had Dr.. in front of my name ( clinical and sterile ) no one in Canada would have an issue with me being about sexuality .. but because I am hot and sexy I am a threat to society.. that is fucking stupid..and I am not going to allow society to sexually sterilize me again.. I will do what I want with my sex, and with walking my talk I can more effectively teach sexual freedom.. cause I am free now.

It is interesting.. I say it is interesting because my mind works that way. Somehow I am able to rise above emotions and see things just in patterns or circumstance..so it is interesting that people have labeled me a victim due to my book and website that are about the freedom of women’s sexuality and about creating women’s equality through their sexual freedom.. it’s interesting because this is what makes all women victims of society and because I spoke out about it, I am about it; the victimizations have been placed on to me.. interesting yes?

I have been shunned by the professional community, I have been labeled as ” inappropriate ” for speaking out about those who sexually harassed me, who spread rumors about me, have outright told me not to show up at professional events, or who have ignored my request to join organizations or who have outright denied me the same rights as others, or equalities because I dared to show them what was unequal. I brought to their attention ( Rape culture thinking and attitudes ) to have them, then express them to me.. and then upon speaking out about these people and the inhuman things that they did to me I was then labeled as enraged, crazy, vengeful and revenging.. when simply I was pointing out the facts of the situations and behaviors. Interesting how blind people are to patterns and behaviors.. how blind we become to thinking something highly dysfunctional as normal and rational.. then calling the person who is being rational .. crazy.. but isn’t this the ” Crazy making behavior ” that is placed on to women by emotionally controlling and abusive men? To answer the question.. yes it is.. it is even a relevant term. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.

But it is a cruel and unforgiving world for most women who exist and express themselves outside of social norms and nice-ities .. niceness is treasured regarding women. Without male approval the world becomes a dangerous place and love and acceptance are held back from the woman who steps out of line; who miss behaves past the lens of male approval.. and so it is she becomes a victim by straying past her allotted boundaries .. how dare she. But isn’t that much like an abusive relationship? To answer the question.. yes it is. Because a man must control his woman by societies standards to be a real man ( bully ) because society bullies women, abuses women, we are not safe without male protection but then society makes sure we are not safe from him.. because he has more rights than she does..and so Grace is hard to find..

Love is hard to find if it doesn’t include equality..than and even then..is there love without equality?. How civilized are we that men do not truly protect women but instead use their physical strength as a brute force measure to keep women world wide in line? ” You have come along way baby.” is a farce.. women’s rights a joke.. smoke and mirrors as we are not truly free. Every woman; should she be like me is one small step away from victim blaming, slut shaming and rape culture thinking..that is ” your asking for sexual harassment, your asking for rape and at the least disrespect..”‘ because your skirt was to short, your make up to dark, you were out to late at night, you were having sex outside of marriage, you were raped on your date or beaten because you asked for it… ”

So the interesting thing is to look at my book and website, the photography the entire creation of expressing a woman’s sexuality; using myself as the control group..and you can see by the way I have been treated.. how I cannot be successful with this creation due to a male power based social system that will not allow it..because I am asking for it..for disrespect, to not be taken seriously..and then I am victim shamed for the victimiztions placed on women’s sexuality as an over all..

And so love is hard to find, as vulnerability and a soft heart are not protected by the male side of the human species .. but instead fed upon by inflated egos, lack of emotional intelligence and overall immaturity and ignorance.. yes Grace is hard to find

I believe that we have forgotten how to truly pleasure ourselves, we have been duped into thinking that pleasure is expensive when it is the simple things that bring the most pleasure. Women have become manicured, well behaved and seeking male approval and by doing so they have not learned how to pleasure their own minds, bodies, spirits and hearts. To be tamed is to become dried and brittle.. to be wild is be wet and and playful.. but we are made to believe that is when a woman becomes a slut. . I am always redefining everything.. even words are but nothing without the meaning that we put on them by our perspectives or social conditioning. Social conditioning is what tames the wild out of every woman.. when in fact a pleasure seeking slut is what she needs to become to set herself free… free to explore her own body, her sexual fantasies .. to touch her own skin, caress her own heart.. to think her own juicy thoughts..to run down that path.. to let her spirit guide her..

What does this contentment look like? How is it found? It is found in giving yourself permission to explore the sensual..if it be a lazy day in the sun, sleeping naked, savoring melted chocolate on your tongue.. to move your body through sensual dance our pounding strength workouts.. it comes by saying no.. no to those who drain a woman of her essence, demanding that she give all of her energy and time away, no to the games people play, saying no to others to make room for the self. To care about you, so that you can be more present in taking care of others..but truly even more succulent is to secretly not give a shit.. to rebel against the social norms of the well behaved woman.. to go deep into your own world and sexual fantasies and not be sorry one damn bit..

To imagine what you will about whom you will..to imagine him fucking you just the way you want him too.. to take the time alone in your room to eat dark chocolate, read erotica, listen to your favorite mood music and touch between your own softness.. to gush, to wither, to moan and thrash.. to be dripping, moist, fleshy and juicy just for you… to explore your darkest, dirtiest fantasy and not regret it.. don’t be sorry.

Succumb and submit to the erotic self… love your erect nipples, the the catching of your breath, the sweet softness of your own feminine flesh.. no matter your age or size.. no matter .. for you are a Goddess..

The wild calls to us.. it calls us back to our primitive nature.. to fill ourselves once more with sunshine, playtime, this horny lust for life that women have forgotten competing for male attention, competing as to who can work the hardest; complete the most tasks, work the longest hours.. while she should be sleeping, soaking up the sweet beauty of the night when she can… moonlight on her voluptuousness..star dust on her breast..

This dirty sin that we label as slutty .. that we call bad..this badness is so good, so right and erotically it is the elixir that we need to cure us..to make us and keep us wet… the climax of life, the orgasm that never lets up.

How much is she worth? If she isn’t young, if she has ” Been around” If she carries a few pounds, if she has had a few children? How much is she worth?

Sad and depressing for us women, sad and depressing for young girls.. we are fed this constantly, our virtue, our sexuality, our purity.. or worth based on what others judge as external beauty.. this amounts as to what we are worth.. those things are weighed and judged before intelligence, humor, empathy, talents or any other ability when a woman’s worth is calculated.. My teenage daughters are going through this right now as they reach the cusp, of the transformation of girlhood into womanhood.. and the insecurities mount.. even still I fight them..

I am in my 40s and ageing, I have had babies, I have a c-section scar.. I am into fitness but I have to stand my ground about how I want my body to look; as I don’t think body building is healthy for many reason..or the competing in beauty contest or body building contest.. I find them to be emotionally self defeating.. but people assume because I workout that I am looking to become this ideal..and I am just halfway there.. but I am not. I am competing with myself..

I not ” all that” I don’t think I am ” all that” I know I am very imperfect..but even with writing my book ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine) and doing the photography in the book, being the model and showing my imperfections.. I still have body issues. I struggle with them. I struggle with the imperfections, and doing the self talk of ” I don’t have to be super skinny or super muscular to be beautiful and healthy, I can be my own version of me.” Yet going to the gym I am constantly shown women with this perfect fitness type of body… but many of them don’t seem too happy because it is a constant struggle.. I want to workout for the joy of moving my body and pushing my body to higher and higher limits.. I want to age gracefully.. I want to respect and honor were I am at this time in my life..not fight it or run from it..but honor my journey.. but also I know that age is just a number.. by doing this I am showing my daughters the way to self love and acceptance.. not body hate disguised as arrogance and false pride. I think being in this place of moderation but physical acceleration ( always pushing my limits with in my limits ) is truly healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy..

Like almost all women I have my body issues; of course I am shy about sharing my body with a lover for the first time, showing all my physical imperfections without perfect lighting or clothing to hide the parts of ourselves we all hide away. I have those days were I feel fat and bloated, wrinkled, and tired looking.. and I catch myself in negative self talk.. that is just being human.

The thing is this if women rate other women by looks we are keeping this insanity going; what does that mean ” Strong is the new beautiful or strong is the new skinny” ??? How about healthy is beautiful..being as healthy as you can be with what you are given is beautiful, smart is beautiful, being loving is beautiful, being caring is beautiful.. being talented is beautiful.. being your own unique self is REALLY BEAUTIFUL..

I think that when a woman owns her body, her sexuality, her life .. past any template, or perfected social image..when she owns herself.. that is truly beautiful..and that beauty never ages.

I was 19 when I went into anaphylactic shock from taking penicillin. I had just enough time to dial 911 before my throat closed. They traced the call and broke through the locked door. I remember coming around once in the ambulance as they had given me shots of adrenaline; but it didn’t last long as I passed out again from the reaction taking over. I don’t remember making it to the hospital, but I remember leaving my body.

I felt a feeling of weightlessness, and it seemed like a surface of liquid light, like a mirror separated me from a different reality. It was like the amniotic sack a baby floats within. I decided to explore that, and with that decision I found myself on the other side of that mirror.. and with that, my ego was left in the old reality with my body. I realized right away my ego was my body, and that all those fears and worries were my bodies way of trying to survive as long as possible within that earthly reality. In this other place I found complete neutrality .. and it was so restful. So peaceful to leave all the stress and suffering, all the striving and all the emotions of the human body behind, across that curtain or veil.. but I became aware that it wasn’t time to leave yet, that I was meant to linger and to learn something in this place for my life on earth that wasn’t quite finished yet.. so I explored it.

In my energy body I could see everything in a more than 360 degree perspective as my perspective was unlimited. I saw and heard conversations throughout the hospital, I saw outside of the hospital, I heard and saw ambulance attendants talking about car crashes, saw the young doctor that was late for his shift in emerg, come rolling in on his roller blades.. I heard staff talking about lottery tickets.. but most importantly I had no emotional attachment to any of it,.. and I let them be in experiencing their own realities.

What I saw was the fabric of life, of how everything is beautifully woven together to create synchronicities .. the synchronicities of the Universe. Like the gears of a clock, time, destiny, fate, free will.. turning together, multiple outcomes, and multiple different realities, layered, just like the cells of a body, speaking to each other, energy on energy.. with a purpose to create, to transpire, inspire, react with purpose.. and the simplicity of the purpose… just to simply be and become better at being.. to constantly evolve.. to let go.. move forward while using what was as a foundation of what will be.. in the beautiful neutrality of being emotionless..of not clinging to any outcomes.. as my ego was gone, I could see the pinpoint, the catalyst.. that creates the reaction of all realities or LIFE.. it it was simply love.. not the love that we know as beings attached to ego.. not a love that we may ever really know living within our earthly bodies.. but a love so pure..so pristine..because it was a true unconditional love.. untouched by the reactions it created..as all catalyst remain that cause the reaction.. this love held no attachments to it’s creations, no judgments, no hope, no hate.. no conditions.. and this love is the BALANCING FORCE… this is the source energy that all goes to and moves away from.. like the very heart within you.. making what was old new again.. making what was new old.. but the intelligence surpassed an emotional intelligence.. as it was neutral..and that is why it created such Genius.. meaning ( To bring into being, create and produce”)

I found myself above my body again.. as they worked on it, shocking my heart, plugging me with needles, saying ” This is going to be close! She is only 19!” But I watched above my body with no emotion, not just because I knew they were going to be successful, but because I was detached from my ego.. but that didn’t last long.. it wasn’t the pain of entering my body that got to me.. it was the pain of the prison of my ego, I felt like I slipped into dirty old socks, after being so free.. it was horrible, yet I knew I had to endure this, yet I knew eventually what had happened to me would change something in this reality to help humanity and all of creation evolve.. I had brought something back with me.. a wisdom..

As I lay recovering..the young doctor who had been late, who had roller bladed into the emerg; sat with me to hold my hand. With a worried face he told me how close it was, how lucky I was to be there with him.. but I felt his ego, he had a lot of ego, this was about him consoling the pretty 19 year old girl, not about my recovery… and then I felt my ego..because I liked the attention.. yup I was back!

But through the years, I have let go of so many things, the most important was religion, I began to see how religion kept us from that place of intelligent unconditional love..from the balancing force of creation.. and I began to let go and let go and let go…and search for wisdom

I can tell you this ..as an absolute certainty..anyone that lives in a human body is not egoless.. there are no real Gurus.. there isn’t not one person living that is at that state of pure unconditional love..because their body is ego..the body is your ego and it clouds everything ..it is your lens or perspective and it is a very human perspective..those who profess to be egoless .. well that in it’s self is pure ego.. probably more dangerous than those who admit to living in their ego..those who are aware of ego can work within it..to learn to temper it.. so beware of those who profess to be egoless they are the most dangerous.

As for death, it comes when it is time, but it is also the greatest illusion.. as is life.

The persecution of women’s sexuality is exactly why I wrote my book…… so it shouldn’t be such a shock that I have faced intense persecution for writing said book. ( The Goddess, an Expression of the Divine Feminine ) you can find it on Amazon.ca

Anyway…

This madness has been going on since the dawn of the Christian age, or since the dawn of all male based organized religions.. do you really think the witch burnings were about witchcraft? No.. it was a way of controlling women’s sexuality and power. Usually the women that were burned were attractive, intelligent, natural doctors and healers, midwives, or just very independent women.. and by being so in charge of their own bodies and sexuality.. very powerful indeed.. as I have found out still very feared by society..and even by other women who have learned through social ( norms ) to work within this system..they find it a threat to have to face their own power past male approval.. and they find women in their sexual power to be a threat and so they compete with cruelty and social shunning of these women ( like me ) that they feel threaten their position with their men.. Yet it is women like me that will eventually free them from their sexual slavery in this male based ( still in the dark ages ) society..but some women have learned to love their captivity as it takes too much strength and courage to take a stand themselves..and to stand alone for themselves..and so instead they eat from the hand that metaphorically or actually beats them… because they fear the responsibility of being grown women striking out on their own.. doing it for themselves.. 99% of women cannot become successful without male money or approval..

Even if we look at the world of modeling and adult movies.. or Playboy.. these women are actually pimped..they earn a fraction of what the big male based, male run media structure makes off of them, their images, their sexuality..that is twisted into what they think men want to see.. not as to what, and who women actually are… so do you think they want to see my book succeed? How would that rock this industry if a woman, without male money, without male approval, backing of any sort..sold her own sexuality, her own image, in a raw and natural non pornographic form to teach other women how to own and stand in their own sexuality.. can’t say that revolution would go over to well.. and that is why women’s sex is either pornographic or puritan..because it takes power away from women..and puts their sexuality into the hands of men.. men who say that you are either a slut, whore, good girl or wife material.. that women can only be.. this or that..but not the full spectrum of who they are..because we can be wives, mothers, scientist, artist, and raw, sex and lustful when we want to be..when it suits us..not when it makes men comfortable…not when it makes us sellable, and objectified.. or weakened under control.. this is what many insecure men are afraid of.. being held accountable, being made to grow the fuck up and see women and accept them ( us ) for the fullness of who we are..

Why do you think we are made to feel dirty for menstruation? Why do you think women are made to feel dirty for liking sex and wanting lots of it? Why do you think women are made to feel like sluts for having multiple partners or for having sexual fantasies of sleeping with more than one man at a time? Why do you think these double standards exist? It is because men are insecure.. and other women who buy into this crap are afraid of being out-ed as bad girls, afraid of being ( ABANDONED) and so it is that the power holds sway..

I have had women say things to me like ” Stop pushing your body and sexuality onto everyone” meaning I am too afraid to do what you are doing so stop doing it because it shows me my fear..I don’t want to aware of this fear, my ignorance is bliss.. or men say to me ” How many men do you need?” meaning I am afraid of your sexuality because I am insecure that I am not enough for you..so I need to make you feel shameful because it makes me feel powerful, because when I am around a woman like you that knows her own body, knows what she wants, and what she likes.. I am afraid that I am not man enough to give it to you..so I am going to label you a bad girl and a slut..that way I don’t have to face this fear..instead I can be brutal and mean to you because you are putting it out there asking for it.. I am afraid you will laugh at me for not being able to satisfy you …

Of course all of these situations exist in every woman’s daily life to some degree or another.. when she goes to the beach and shows her body, when she get as a little drunk and a little loosened up.. when she is liking sex with him and suddenly he gets insecure about being enough for her..or who she was with before him.. ( was he better ) that is his worse fear..and that is why virginal good girls are wanted by these types of guys..

Yet there are men out there just waiting for our ( hell cat ) to become unleashed.. just yearning for a woman that can challenge him and get him burning hot.. those are the guys that are evolved and living in their true masculinity..they don’t feel the need to control a woman..actually they set her free..

DISCLAIMER: The content of this blog is not intended to create libel, defame or cause harm to anyone, thing or organization the writer has written about. This blog is solely the opinion and thoughts of the writer. The writer intends no harm to the subjects as these are the interpretations of the facts as seen by the writer; but they are not absolute.