Jokes

Fathers day was coming, and my sister and I went to a large department store to shop for a gift. As I was admiring the outfit on a male mannequin, its arm unexpectedly fell off. Embarrassed, I tried to...

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines day. What do you think it means? Youll know tonight. he said. That evening, the man came home...

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed...

After years of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire. But you cant! shouted the cigar-chomping boss, Where am I going to find a man...

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasnt fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first...

An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery room record at the hospital where I work. He looked quite concerned at one notation. I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didnt realize I was that bad,...

Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband,...

One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked...

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, Ill grant you three wishes, Master. The atheist says, I wish I could believe in...

IBM has been trying to increase market share by recruiting to more obscure markets for Internet access. Theyve even attempted to get monasteries connected to the Internet. At one small monastery in France,...

As a pastor, I occasionally have members leave notes or offerings on my desk for various reasons. A 12-year-old member of our church recently left a five-dollar bill on my desk with a note. It read, I...

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing...

A man called the government office where I work and requested an estimate of his benefits upon retirement. After I gave him the information, he went one to inquire about his wifes benefits. I asked if...

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: Before beginning my talk I want to...

Hank finally found the courage to tell his fiancé that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman. Can she cook like I can? the distraught woman asked. Not even on her...

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father...

The Isle of Men, a little island in the Pacific, was visited by a college group. Their Professor was greeted by Dr. Tom, head of the team conducting a population theory study on the men of the island....

An art school student was in an art supply store to buy an easel. I need an easel, he said to a floor person. What do you have? We have two right here, the floor person said as he showed the student...

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said Hi, Im looking for a job. The man behind the counter replied Your timing is amazing. Weve just got one in from a...

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children...

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriffs deputies there and he asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so,...

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctors fashion? The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee...

The Society for Creative Anachronism, or SCA, is an educational organization for the study and re-creation of life in the Middle Ages. Members are encouraged to develop a persona, dress the part, and...

A conductor approaches a family of four on a train. Ticket please! he says. The man answers, I lost mine! His wife says, I left mine in my other purse! The kids, in unison, chime in with The dog ate...