Going Deep into the Shallow

Tag Archives: Kandi Burruss

We’re just hours away from part one of the super-sized Real Housewives of Atlanta season 5 reunion show and for me, it can’t be 8 pm soon enough! This season was a little ho-hum but the reunion looks goooood, doesn’t it?

Since it’s very clear that Andy Cohen reads my blog – how else to explain Fashion Queens? – the other ladies probably do, too. So I’ll address each of them individually and let them know what I think of their performances this season.

Phaedra Parks :: Donkologist, Ph D

Phaedra, you are a delightful mystery to me. You live contentedly in Phaedra World, a place where every idea is turned into a business and where a charmingly cracked Southern charm is the coin of the realm. But it’s a nice place and I love you for making a home there with Apollo and Ayden. I’m pleased to see that the marital discord Bravo hinted at in the trailer for this season turned out to be a bunch of bunk and I know you must be so happy to be bringing another little chicken nugget into the world. Anytime you want to go for a day drink at the Clermont Lounge, I’m down.

Kandi Burruss :: The Hungry, Happy Housewife

Kandi, you may want to have a chat with the producers about the editing this season. Girl, they made you look like you would do anything for a plate of food! Maybe you’re ok with it but I think I’d be a little miffed if I had put on a noticeable amount of weight and then every episode showed me yammering about food! I’m guessing you probably don’t care though. And, really, why should you? You seem genuinely happy with Todd, Riley seems to like him, you took a few steps back from Mama Joyce, and you own a bad ass mansion. Good for you and may your empire – whoaOHOH! – keep growing.

Has no one on the show ever actually SEEN the show before?! Every single season, housewives in one city or another make some vague business deal. Then the checks are slow and somebody feels wronged. Exhibit A: Kandi and Kim going at it over “Tardy for the Party.” Exhibit B: Sheree and Nene’s bad business deal. Exhibit Everything Else: Sonja and Heather’s dustup over the toaster oven box.

I mean, come on, girls. Get it together!

2. Is Kenya actually trying to float the rumor that Walter is a “downlow brother”?

Because that is just tacky. When her cousin (who needs a bigger bra) said something about how she was “suspicious” of Walter and how “this IS Atlanta, after all”, either she’s just nasty or Kenya’s grubby mitts were pulling the strings.

3. Has anyone actually seen “The New Normal”?

I know the kid who’s Hannah Horvath’s gay ex-bf on “Girls” is in it and Nene is in it. And maybe sometimes Ellen Barkin? That’s the extent of my knowledge. I worry when I see Nene and Gregg dropping so much cash in Hollywood. I was relieved when Nene confirmed that they would not be moving from ATL permanently.

4. Is Kenya’s patchwork ombre hair intentional?

I just wanted to use the phrase “patchwork ombre” coined by my soul sisters, Two Winey Bitches.

I had it on my DVR for about 2 weeks before I actually got bored enough found the time to watch it. All I can say is Andy Cohen, you are a GENIUS!

Watching it, all I could think was what a great weekly show it would make. Miss Lawrence and Derek J should have 30 minutes after every new episode of Atlanta to break it DOWN for the rest of us. Andy, are you listening?

Really, Andy Cohen? Really?! Of all the Atlanta housewives the one who gets her own spinoff is Kim Zolciak? Have you been paying attention the past two seasons? Let’s face it: Kim was snoozeville last season. She was hardly in any of the scenes, and when she was, it was just “blah blah Kroy’s ass is hot blah.” (As an aside, whose idea was the title “Don’t Be Tardy For the Wedding”? It’s so awkward.) Anyhoo.