Lost in Showbiz loves the world of the celebrity gossip magazine. It sees it as a glimpse into an alternate, better world, a world packed full of vital information ("Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was rumoured to have married a Rastafarian on a Harwich to Hamburg ferry in 2000"), a world where they confront problems head-on with incredible lateral thinking. Last week, faced with the lot of Jack Tweed, still coming to terms with the loss of his wife Jade Goody on the second anniversary of her death, it adduced that the most dignified course of action was to get him to pose for a photograph by a mirror, from which, via the miracle of Photoshop, his late wife appeared to look on, smiling. This week, OK! has deemed the correct way to address the eating disorder that has caused model Nicola McLean to lose 7st since the birth of her child is a series of "sexy" topless photographs that deliberately conceal her anorexia: "These posed shots of Nicola – in full makeup, with her hair extensions perfectly styled – go some way to disguising the illness." Don't worry about the eating disorder that's caused your body weight to halve in 18 months – you look great!

And yet it can't help but feel it's a world with something of a spiritual void lurking at its centre. There's obviously Lost in Showbiz's old chums, Inspirational Life Coaches Nik and Eva Speakman, to whom we learn McLean has turned for treatment. And it's true that "crazy games", "mad music", dressing up like Father Christmas and encouraging you to make a Wow List before you go to bed at night very much have the edge over, say, a combined course of medical nutritional therapy and cognitive remediation when it comes to treating anorexia, particularly when the Inspirational Life Coaches in question share the same management company as you. But there's only so much one couple can take on their shoulders, even with the help of their pet skeleton Mr Bones. Where else to look for spiritual guidance in the world of celebrity?

Happily, LiS has the answer: quest no longer, seekers of a greater truth, Lee Ryan from Blue is back, using the platform afforded him by noted philosophical journal Heat magazine to spread his message of enlightenment. "I think there's going to be a revelation of spirit," he said, alas neglecting to mention whether this would coincide with Blue's appearance representing Britain in the forthcoming Eurovision song contest. "I think people and their minds are going to change. I don't think the end of the world is the end of the world. I think there's a spiritual evolution coming. You can feel it." He went on to clarify that said ideas have been subject to the rigorous intellectual scrutiny of Duncan from Blue – "we talk about this stuff all the time" – before admonishing the public for failing to notice his profundity: "I don't think people expect us to have any insight into this kind of thing."

LiS rolls its eyes in sympathy. Hasn't the public noticed the deep mindfulness and mysticism in his pronouncements on Twitter, every one a 140-character homily designed to heal, uplift and transform: "Fuck off pigface!", "bro honestly you look like Shrek with that nose! You can't say shit with that face!"

For too long, we have been denied his unique brand of sagacity. The only news LiS had was that Ryan had named his first child Rayn Lee Ryan ("it's an anagram of Ryan," he helpfully attested, having presumably ditched the idea of anagrammatising his first name as well and calling his son Eel), and a brief interview during which he favoured the world with the news that there were four types of aliens: "the greys", "the ones that are about 8ft tall", "the ones that are kind of like, you know, Asian looking" and "the reptiles that are about 7ft tall and really aggressive" and who, furthermore, rule the earth. "If you look you can see a reptile sign in things that are part of our culture. I'm not going to say what. You have to look for yourself," he said, before striking a note of caution. "You're not allowed to talk about this stuff. You get into trouble. From the government? Yeah."

Since then, silence, broken only by the occasional thought-provoking Tweet ("Bazman? More like Spazman"). LiS longed for the halcyonic days of 2005, when Ryan's thoughts on the origins of life were regularly sought and generously given ("the Egyptian thing – I swear it's to do with aliens and shit and that's where we come from"). We were promised not merely a nine-minute song about Jesus, but a book of poetry, the excitement around the latter heightened by the appearance of a four-verse work about Princess Diana: "we never took an interest in what you used to do", it offered, which is a slightly odd thing to say about the most famous and photographed woman in the world, but that's a wildly original and brilliant mind at work for you.

And now, mercifully, it seems those days are back. The seer is once more among us! Lost in Showbiz awaits further pearls, while busily making preparations for the forthcoming revelation of spirit.