Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I think it'd be nice to start using the word "creativity" in a more creative way. I want someone to tell me that the creativity flowed from them like vomit. Yes! Vomit! You just never hear that. Peoples' creativity flows like a vast ocean or a cool spring breeze. I want that shit to flow like vomit. Not all fancied up and beautified. Honest, revealing and attached to a hell of a story, as most vomit in my experience tends to be. Just some chunked up food for thought.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

She sent us in with a Food Stamp each. I don't remember how many of "us" there were, but it had to be at least us five, along with whoever she was letting live with us at the time. I'd estimate three more kids, if not more.Our mission was simple: Get something small, spending as little of our tiny allowance as possible. Something like a couple Tootsie Rolls or a $0.10 pack of stick gum would do the trick. I deliberated, then pulled a Bullet out of the small freezer by the register. $0.99. Take that, bitch.I am about ten years old, but this is routine. I know what this raid on Hassayampa Store is for. We all do. She's out of beer. She's sending us in with the last few Food Stamps we have for groceries so she can buy a 40oz of King Cobra or Natural Ice with the change we bring back to her. I come out looking smug, and I'm sure she can see the glimmer of silent joy in my eyes as I hand her the penny back. My heart skips in my chest when I see her eyes glowering at me. It was worth it.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I hate even mentioning celebrities. I think they're over paid, largely irresponsible, and aren't held accountable for their actions to the degree that an average person would be. I just couldn't resist mentioning this though. Charles Barkley was recently in Tent City here in Phoenix and that mother effer said, while he was in there for a whopping total of THREE DAAAAYYYYS that he planned on learning Spanish. The language of Spanish. In Tent City. In a total of three days. Obviously it's impossible and perhaps I'm a tad worked up about this completely pointless situation, but I find it obnoxious that he can drink and drive, get tons of media attention for it, and still manage to continue to make an ass of himself. Impressive, Chucky.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

So this lady at work was telling me about this experiment her kid got for extra credit in his science class. She said he had to fill up the bathtub with distilled water, weigh himself before he got in, and lay in it for 2 full hours. When he got out, the kid weighed eight more pounds than when he got in! How cool is that?! I guess different types of water do different things to the body. Some pull water out (thus the pruny finger effect) and some types of water puff your ass right up by sucking in water! I'm half tempted to try it myself, but two hours in a bathtub sounds boring and distilled water costs like $0.77 per gallon, multiply that by 30 gallons and $23.10x8.3% sales tax (depending on where you buy it) equals $25.01. A ridiculous amount of money to spend for water that's going down the drain in 2 hours without any real use. I'll just take her word for it. Cool, none the less.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I bought a van! It's a 1974 Dodge Royal Maxivan. It's got one of those extended roofs that you can stand up completely in, a kitchenette, a small bathroom, two bench seats that fold down into a bed, a small pullout sleeping loft over the seats and an additional two seats up front for pilot and copilot. This thing has quickly become my FAVORITE THING EVER! If I were to lose everything I own, that is one thing that is outright in my name that I can LIVE IN if I needed to! Not that I'd ever plan on living in it, but still, it's effing awesome. I put it in my name officially today, emissions test will be tomorrow. I don't think the ole boy will pass, but I'm sure they'll be able to give us an idea of what to fix and where to go from this point. I am SO EXCITED! My cousin and her son are coming down in May for a weekend and we are planning on going to Disneyland (it will be the little guys first time going), along with a ton of other family. I know it seems frivolous, but I love big old clunkers and I had just a little extra from my tax return so I figured what the hell! It was only $400! Now we have a vehicle large enough to transport all of us heathens. Excellent times ahead.

Search This Blog

About Me

It slices! It dices! And it makes French fries three different ways! I'm a human and I do human things. I live in Phoenix, AZ with my grumpy old man Richard and our cat, Jari and our dogs, Dakota (a Shiba Inu), Menka, an adorable, neurotic, small mutt, and Rosie the best aggressively attention seeking lovebug around.
I started this blog because I enjoy writing. It shall be a tale of my wobbliness and chasing-parked-cars attempts at staying afloat and maybe surprising myself from time to time.
I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2006 and I'm living with it. That being said, you will become very comfortable talking about poop and other such indecencies. Consider it a growing experience.
I also have a LOT of family; I'm the oldest of five kids. One side of my family are brazen hill billies and the other side are city slickers. This has melded me into quite the little oddball, but I sure get by alright.