The Laws of (American) Style

Rules for the American man to dress by, including how to hang your jacket, what your tie says about you, and things you can't wear to a funeral

Feb 28, 2006

1. The greatest contributions of the United States to the world of style, in no particular order: The chino, the sneaker, the T-shirt, the biker jacket, blue jeans, the sweatshirt, the baseball cap.

2. Livestock are the only American staple that should show any visible branding.

3. The ideal age at which a well-informed sense of style finally agrees with the level of the American man's disposable income: Thirty-five. Pre-thirty-five, you have no money. Post-thirty-five, you have kids. And no money.

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4. Remove your glove when shaking someone's hand. Unless, of course, it's January and you're in Chicago, in which case a simple wave is acceptable.

5. The most stylish way for the American man to commute is in a 1969 Impala. May we also suggest one of those new Mustangs. Bonus points if SHELBY is written on the door.

6. The short-sleeved shirt has no place at the office. Unless you wear a name tag, in which case you probably have no choice in the matter.

7. Things from your closet that do not go together: Jeans and cuff links Socks and sandals A matching tie and pocket square Boots and suit pants Dress jackets and shorts (unless you're in Bermuda)

8. Things the American man can't wear to a funeral: A bow tie, whimsical patterns, a light-colored coat, a silk pocket square, denim (unless the ceremony involves pouring out cans of Schlitz). At your own funeral? Wear whatever you damn well please.

9. David Arquette is the Hollywood style equivalent of a paper shredder. How this has not ambushed his career is beyond us.

10. A Brett Favre Packers jersey should never, under any circumstances, cross the state lines of Wisconsin unless the Pack are in the Super Bowl. One more 4--12 season and you might as well leave that thing in the game room.

11. Every species of knot has its own native habitat. And it's best not to mess with nature.

12. Additionally, your tie knot speaks volumes.

THE SIZE OF A BALL BEARING: "In my spare time, I snort coke and jam with the Strokes."

THE SIZE OF A PINBALL: "I'll be on the Vineyard for the entire month of August. You should come out."

THE SIZE OF A GOLF BALL: "The reason you hate me is that pretty much everything I do, I do perfectly. Like tying this tie."

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THE SIZE OF A TENNIS BALL: "Yo, Vinny, I'm starving. Let's grab a slice on the way to the reception."

13. Things the American man should not wear after the age of thirty-five: Sports jerseys, tracksuits, double-breasted suits, polo shirts with the collar up. Things he should not wear before the age of thirty-five: Rim-less eyeglasses, cardigans, double-breasted suits, and polo shirts with the top button fastened.

14. Navy is the most flexible suit color you can buy. Followed closely by charcoal and medium gray.

15. The Italians are your friends, and so are the Brits. The French? Them, too.

17. Just as every American man worth his salt should know how to fix a flat, so too should he be adept at sewing a button, steaming a suit, and operating a washing machine. A man who can hand wash his cashmere sweater? He's more man than we're willing to admit.

18. The most stylish president of all time was John F. Kennedy, followed closely by Bill Clinton and FDR. Bringing up the rear we have Presidents Bush 43 and Nixon in a photo finish.

19. Hairstyles that have names should never appear on your head. The mullet, the wedge, and the fauxhawk, for example.

20. Any American man who can spell the name of Italian designer Ermenegildo Zegna correctly should gently pat himself on the back. (Bonus points for pronouncing it correctly.) Then make sure he never boasts of this skill in public.

21. The best denim money can buy is heavyweight (twelve to fourteen ounces) in dark indigo. Wash it yourself and watch it improve with age.

23. A man needs but one set of shoe trees. Leave them in the last pair you wore, then remove when

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necessary.

24. Button-down shirts, seersucker suits, wing tips, and plaid should always be retired before sundown. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

25. When can you wear white bucks? When you're also wearing seersucker, denim, or a lightweight pair of gray pants. And only then.

26. The pocket square is the new tie. Discuss.

27. Trousers should never be louder than the sound of your own voice. You listening, Arquette?

28. Things you should not hang your suit jacket or blazer on: The back of a chair, a bedpost, a wire hanger, bare skin (unless it's a woman's), the exacta at the Kentucky Derby.

29. Some people take clothes more seriously than others. And this is okay. Case in point: According to legend, Brooks Brothers stopped making black suits in 1865 because Abraham Lincoln was wearing a black Brooks Brothers coat when he was assassinated. The black suit returned to its lineup in 1998.

30. Places where sunglasses should never make an appearance: Church, the courtroom, the Department of Motor Vehicles, the top of your head.

31. Furthermore, you should take your shades off when speaking to someone who's not wearing any. It's a trust issue.

32. Button-down refers to those little buttons at the edge of the collar. Not the ones running down the middle of your torso.

33. Maybe we're being picky, but a man should know the difference between quartz and mechanical. Even if he's never purchased anything more complicated than a Timex.

34. It is a great miscarriage of justice in American style that President Kennedy has been accused of killing the hat. When he left it on his chair during his inauguration speech, many said that he single-handedly ended an era. We say it was dying anyway.

35. Old work shirts that have begun to fray at the neck are like in-laws who are a bit past their prime. It would be wrong to ditch them; just retire them to the country.

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36. The ideal hangers for pants are the sort with two spring-loaded slats of wood that grip the hem of the trousers so that they hang upside down. This allows creases and side hems to strengthen under gravitational pull.

37. A suit hanger should be broad and shaped enough to support a jacket much the way it might hang on you. Anything less and it risks looking like it has just been slept in.

38. A man should replace his wallet every 365 days. All that cash and all those credit cards stretch out the leather. Your wallet is leather, isn't it?

39. Even when filled with all those credit cards, your wallet should be slim enough that it can't be seen through your clothes. This requires two things of the wearer. First: Buy a slim wallet. Second: Don't fill it up with so many receipts that it looks like an overfed toad.

40. Brown shoe polish is for suckers. A man needs only one can of black shoe polish for all his black and brown leather shoes.

41. The American man should be free to wear different cuff links at each wrist, as no one will ever look at both of your cuffs at the same time. Experimentation is permitted in this scenario, as long as it does not involve wearing them with a pair of shorts.

42. We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Know thyself, then get dressed. It removes the guesswork.

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