Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Uncle Ted's Guide to Disposing of a Body: Part II

If you're just joining us, I'm currently pandering to the dark underbelly of human nature by posting a guide to hide evidence of a crime. Remember, kids--murder is highly illegal and you shouldn't do it.

Let's call this a guide for writers such as myself, only better talented and disciplined, who couldn't imagine what to do in such a situation but somehow wrote themselves into a corner. Their beloved character had enough shit and killed somebody. Oops.

But it's okay. I know accidents happen. And let's face it, some motherfuckers need killin'. Characters, I mean. Some characters need killin'. Because Harry Potter would never kill Delores Umbridge even though the bitch totally had it coming but I could see Hermione snapping one day and just going apeshit. After all, she did get Umbridge gang-raped by a bunch of centaurs. That's pretty fucking evil.

Sometimes, it's better to just kill a character off and be done with it.

But what about the body?

In the first part, I covered the basics of the first few hours. Those are hectic moments and you can't be too careful. It pays to go over each and every part again. But now, you've got the body in your bath tub or shower stall. It has been stripped down, the cell phone has been destroyed, the clothes are in a garbage bag. You've got your cleaning supplies and you've lots of extra garbage bags.

Now you're ready to cut up the body. Hopefully, it's freezing cold outside or you have a chest freezer. A frozen body is so much easier to cut up than a fresh one. Trust me on this.

If you're using an electric saw, the job will go faster, but you have to be careful about getting DNA caught inside the saw and to not let pieces get flung about. While a hacksaw will take more effort and time, you can control a few more things. And control is really what you need. Besides, it's good exercise and it'll help you think more clearly as you get more oxygen in your blood.

The size of the pieces shouldn't be too large. The obvious cuts, like hands, wrists, feet, etc are simple. But when you get to the torso, think of it in terms of a whole chicken. Nothing bigger than that, if you can.

Why?

The smaller the pieces, the more easily you can distribute them. Don't be tempted to burn them individually in a bonfire in the backyard. Human flesh has a distinct odor and anybody who has ever smelled it before will remember it forever. If somebody driving down the road smells something that reminds them of their deployment in Kuwait during the first Gulf War, or something similar, they'll know what you've been doing. You don't want that.

Small pieces mean you can individually wrap them in a couple of garbage bags and dump them in a wide circle. Fill the car's gas tanks and go for a drive. Dump one in the garbage can at the pump. Dump another in the can at McDonald's. Drive to the next town for a Big Mac and do that again. You see the pattern?

Another option is to make concrete squares. Use some rebar and chicken wire for the frame, fill 1/3 with concrete, place the piece inside, then top off. Once dry, you can use it as a paver for your patio out back. Or use it as a border for your garden. Or if you want, throw them into various creeks, ponds, rivers, streams, and lakes.

It'll take time, but your time will be rewarded.

If you happen to know a pig farmer, then you're lucky. But most people don't realize slurry ponds are better. Those ponds are full of animal waste and bacteria that will eat those pieces up in weeks until there is nothing left.

I wouldn't burn their clothing because it's next to impossible to get all of it burned. You don't want police to find pieces of Mr. Deadman's unique flannel shirt and specific metal buttons off his jeans in your burn pile out back. Burning attracts attention.

My advice is to cut the clothing up into small pieces, put in a plastic bag, and dump in various garbage cans around town. With buckles, buttons, and zippers you can always throw in a river or lake because they'll sink.

Ultimately, getting rid of a body is about using common sense. I know during this time stress and anxiety will be working against a person, but make sure your Main Character *cough* takes time to think about what they're doing, and what will happen a few moves later. Be rational.

Will somebody find this? How?

The harder a person has to work to find evidence, the least likely it is that evidence will be found. Your character won't be able to work against a system, will an army of forensics professionals and detectives searching for clues, but your character can leave so little evidence they don't have a reason to suspect him or her of murder.

Remember, human nature is to be lazy and unless you give them a reason to do their job, they won't. So when you're writing this story, and you've written yourself into a corner, be calm and rational. Think about what your actions might produce, then act accordingly. This way, your character won't get caught, and that'll make everybody happy in the end.