December 3, 2009

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Before I actually get into my original post I just wanted to let everyone know that my mother is no longer in remission. I just found out today so I'm really not sure what's going on yet. But I'll update you as we figure it out. Now on to my actual post.

November hates me. I mean really, really hates me. I'm not sure what I did to piss it off, but the last few years it sneaks up on me and kicks me in the teeth. True story... well minus the kicking me in the teeth part.

This year... The Guy dumped me. It came out of nowhere. To be perfectly honest, I'm not dealing so well. Or at least I'm not dealing as well as I normally do in a breakup situation. I mean it's only been a week and a half, so I'm probably not being fair to myself. But I feel like I've done nothing but work and cry. I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night, and I'm lucky if I'm getting that much sleep. I think a lot of the lack of sleeping is because he use to call me every night before we went to sleep and we would talk for at least two hours and take turns reading aloud to each other. Or because we were in the same bed... It's just one of the many habits that I got into and have to figure out how to break wanting that.

After the first couple days when I talked to anyone I started to act pissed off at the guy or just avoid the subject and pretend it never happened. But, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be pissed off or just over it already. I can't be pissed because he wasn't happy... I could be pissed that he dropped my things off in a box and had the sweater I knitted for him laying on top of all of it. Even that doesn't piss me off. It just hurts.

But I didn't write this entry to cry to complete strangers. I actually wrote this as a thanks to my friends. I really am lucky when it comes to my best friends. Bella, who understood that I needed to cancel our meeting. Then when we rescheduled let me talk the whole what happened out and swiftly moved into a distraction. Shameless, who listened to me make no sense while I was crying; who promised that it would eventually be ok. Ethan gave me space long enough to get my front up so that I could do more than sob into the phone. He reminded me that I was welcome to come visit him and Shameless so I could have a couple days away. Finally there is Crimson. Not diminishing what the others have done for me but she's been a godsend. On the night that I felt totally, completely alone and worthless she reminded me that I matter to people. That they are thankful I'm in their life one way or another. She hasn't pushed with questions nor does she try to change the subject when my brain does wind back around to him. She has left me at least one message a day or stayed up with me on messenger talking until 3am. She is helping keep the loneliness away. Well as much as someone 1500 miles away can.

So yea... It's not rainbows and moonbeams. I am so not awesome. This situation sucks. I miss Matthew so very much. He made me happy and I love him. I don't know what I'll do with out him around. But I'll eventually figure it out. It can't hurt forever... In the meantime, I have awesome friends who care about me. Friends that should know how much they matter to me.

1 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Oh, sweetie, of course you matter, to everyone! I am so thankful to have you in my life...no one understands the crazy like you! I don't blame you for not being angry, just sad makes perfect sense after what youve been through and we all handle things in our own ways.