Return of the bitterness

Ever since I found out about my two blocked fallopian tubes, I have adopted a sanguine, laid-back attitude to fertility. Even J has to admit I’ve been pretty relaxed.

Want to bring your kids round? Not a problem – I’ll supply the toys. A Facebook post on how awful motherhood is? Like! (Or Sad Emoji With Single Tear, depending on how much my heart is wrenched). Pregnant lady on the Tube? Why, of course you must have my seat. I wouldn’t have it any other way…

Then we spent last weekend at my best friend’s house in Bristol. My friend, S, has Baby A, who is now more like Toddler A, for she is 18 months old, saying lots of words (including ‘Dada?’ as she pawed wonderingly at J’s beard) and is generally at a very cute stage. Plus, S has what we jokingly refer to as ‘such an eye’, which means A is always dressed in a little pink tutu or tiny Nike high-tops or dungarees with a kitten on the bum or something similarly adorbs.

We spent the weekend playing with A, making dens with her and generally playing house. On the Sunday morning S and I went for a run, leaving J reading Each Peach Pear Plum with her. My ovaries.

It was fun – but this week I have felt the bitterness beginning to return.

Instagram posts of people’s kids make me cross. Someone I went to school with posted a sad lament at the fact her daughter had stopped wanting to breastfeed and I wrote a lengthy reply along the lines of “at least you have a daughter, you ungrateful bitch” (and then immediately deleted it, of course. I’m not a monster…).

Then, earlier today, I saw a heavily pregnant woman walking towards me, and got the full range of envy/hate/bitterness, all in one rush. I haven’t had that for a while. It took me by surprise. I think it took her by surprise, too – not many people scowl furiously at pregnant ladies.

It’s now just under two months until my laparoscopy. We sent off the IVF documentation to the genetics clinic this week. I just need to breathe, and be patient. And, probably, I should get off social media for a while…

5 thoughts on “Return of the bitterness”

God I know that bitter feeling. I think you did remarkably well to be so lovely around babies and towards all the baby social media. I closed down my Facebook account about 6 months ago because it causes me too much pain. It’s also hard to see all the comments from the blissfully ignorant people out there, moaning about how tough it is to be a mum (“Oh shut up!!!”).
My therapist said to count the pregnant women/women with babies in groups of 4. Every 4th one has had fertility issues. It’s more common than we think. It helped me a bit.
Sending hugs x

That’s a great strategy! All my friends are incredibly supportive and only talk about having a hard time when they’re sure I can deal with it… but sometimes I still want to say ‘stfu bitch. You have no. Idea.’ X

I had to tell a friend eventually that enough was enough. She was moaning about how hard it was for her to have a third baby – cry me a river – and I literally said “Wrong crowd mate. Tell someone with Fallopian tubes” 😬 Real friends will take it on the chin. Fake friends will do you a favour and eff off!
Are you planning IVF on the NHS? Once you have the first meeting with a fertility specialist I hope you’ll feel more positive about the future. I know I did – it made me feel like I have some control. IVF was literally created especially for women with Fallopian tube issues/no tubes. Don’t give up hope 🙌 X

Yes! NHS IVF. I’m choosing to view it as slow but dependable. We get three rounds because we’re doing it through a genetics clinic.
Part of me is excited, part of me is terrified of more pain and misery. Fingers crossed for us all though!