New Warrior Football Boots Feature ‘Gloryholes’ For Use In ‘Sticky Situations’

From the same company that bought you Liverpool’s new hallucination-inducing away and third strips, Warrior’s brand new Gambler boot line includes, along with other nonsense features such as “outsider zones”, “ace plates” and “loaded decks”, state of the art “gloryhole” technology – specifically designed for use in “sticky situations”…

Wait…what?

Before you go thinking this is some kind of spoof being circulated by an irked Liverpool fan with an axe to grind and ready access to Photoshop, this is all taken from Warrior’s official site.

Apparently Tom Ince is signed up to endorse them. We ain’t saying nowt.

Actually Warrior are a great ice hockey and lacrosse equipment manufacturer and few out there can match them for quality. 3 Years ago they started producing goaltender equipment for ice hockey and going against established manufacturers like reebok/ bauer / vaughn. In the first couple of years their efforts were all kinds of square but now theyve arguably created a great looking product (performance wise they were up there since their first effort) in the warrior ritual range and have broken the monopoly on the market. I personally admire them for daring to compete against more established brands.

Warrior carved out their original nice in the market with lacrosse. They make the preferred gear of a distinct part of the lacrosse (and less so, hockey) community: guys who think of their sticks as some kind of cross between a sword, gun and cock. They refer to lacrosse as “lax” and generally look down on homosexuals, women, foreigners, and minorities (the former despite their oddly male-centric culture). They come predominantly from rich families (who can afford Warrior’s expensive stuff), attend mediocre but connect-rich nearby universities/colleges, and think about little beyond sex with women (with or w/o permission), drinking/smoking, and “laxing all day, brah.” This is Warrior’s original target audience. Does that help at all?

[…] This is what happens when you snort your body weight in Ketamine before setting about designing football kits (what are the odd socks all about?). Considering this is Warrior we’re talking about here, Liverpool’s new togs actually could’ve been far, far worse – they could’ve had “gloryholes“… […]