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In 2005 my wife dragged me, kicking and screaming, to China. I did not want to go because I had a picture in my head that I was quite comfortable with and didn’t feel like challenging it. But, since my wife is almost invariably right it turned out to be one of the most amazing trips of my life. I still talk about the asparagus. Best asparagus ever. No doubt it was farmed in melamine-tainted soil with carcinogenic fertilizers – but it was truly delicious.

As the gardening aisle braced for the onslaught of these merciless philistines we could hear the blood-curdling screams of the unfortunates who had taken refuge in the CD section. The Vikings slaughtered them to a man, and in their berserk fury did destroy a multitude of CDs in a section that spanned from John Mayer to White Stripes.

The Battle of Geddy Lee The Frowning Upon of Sir Henry Cromwell of Hinchinbrook, 1588 Massacre of the Not-So-Innocents Martin’s Theory of Recently Printed Matter Drying Much Quicker When You Wave It Around The Stiffing of Beer Hall Putsch Waitress Elga Bundsen, 1923 Plato’s Treatise on Prawns Invention of the Footprint Ben O’Malley’s Mastery of…

I’m tired of all ye Medieval freakes trying to tell me how great the Medieval times are. Well, I’m there right now and I can tell you that it’s a whole bunch of crap, for certain. I just buried my fourth wife for starters. I lost my first Katherine to complications of childbirth, the second…