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Author
Topic: Thoughts on my life this year (Read 8234 times)

I think I am writing a lot of this for myself, because I need to get some emotions out. Some of you know I have had one of the worst years on record. In February, I lost my job and made the choice to party for 3 days and caught syphilis. I wasn't really able to find a real job and my home moved into foreclosure. I was diagnosed with the syphilis in March and treated. At the end of May before the auctioned my home I made the stupid choice to again party and have unprotected sex (although never letting anyone cum in me. I guess because my immune system was weak from the syphilis, I caught HIV from someone who lied to me, and I believe they knew they were poz. It only took 4 days for my seroconversion to begin, most likely from the weakened immune system. The Sunday after the Monday that the conversion began, my appendix burst and I wound up in the hospital. There was no way I could have noticed the symptoms of the appendix when going through the conversion which I just thought was the flu from hell. While I was in the hospital they seized my condo. My mother came, packed it up and moved me out while I was doped on morphine. It took over 2 months to recover from the appendix surgery. All this time I am living with my parents in SC in my old bedroom. With no income, no money, and most of my things in a storage companies warehouse. The odd assortment of clothing that my mother brought me to wear included things like a black jock strap, see through shorts for the beach, all of my jeans and dress pants (for the summer in SC) no dress shirts, and an odd assortment of shorts, socks and tee's. It was as if she were on acid when she packed me, but she was just trying to get it done. I probably would have done the same, except for the piggy jock strap to be taken to my parents, that's just weird. I found out I was poz Sept 4th and it really did come as a surprise. I was playing "safer" and i had only engaged in sex 2x this year, granted they were both wild orgy type sex, but still only 2x During this entire time from loss of job through finding out I was poz and on, I was suffering from severe depression, because I was supposed to be successful, I was supposed to do something with my life. My life in high school and college showed I had potential to do something, and I felt like a complete loser to be in the situation and living with my parents at 34. I finally took a long term substitute job, but that ended, and now finally I have been hired to teach in Orlando at a middle school, teaching 6th grade world geography, but I will come back to that one.

I finally accepted things and actually became a happy person again sometime around the beginning of October. I felt better about my life and came to terms with my new poz life. My first numbers came back and while they weren't great I dealt with it, and I was assured that they were probably spiking from recent conversion. So I started taking supplements, E, D, C, Fish Oil, Green Tea, B, Multivitamins, and on and on. Thinking I was going to take control and help my body get through this. I started walking at night. I ate right, more fruits, lower fat grams at lunch. Then in October I was tested again. Last week I got the disturbing news that my VL went up some, but my CD4 drop pretty drastically by over a 100 points and put me into the 290 range. Well I knew this was bad, and that my doctor had already talked about meds if I dropped below 400 so I knew meds were on my horizon. But then I got the job in Orlando. Yeah, finally a full time teaching job since February when I was fired because I was looking for another job. (That's a long-story, and no I take no responsibility for being fired and they were clever how they did it because I couldn't sue) My ID doc in DC (where I was living for 5 years before all this happened) said that he thought I needed meds, but he wouldn't prescribe them since they needed to be monitored closely after you begin and since I was moving to Orlando he thought I should get a doctor down there. He recommended someone and I got the first appointment I could get. That was this morning at 9:10. I was late, because down here in FL, cops have nothing better to do than write tickets for illegal U-turns. Anyway, the doc here agreed that meds should be taken even after I discussed side-effects and liver damage, etc. I then agreed. I am now on Norvir, Truvada and Reyataz. I have to say, today has been very hard. When I took this tonight with dinner for the first time I honestly believe that my depression has started a new. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better about this, but right now all the goodness that I was feeling for the past month....its gone. Its like being told for the first time that I was poz. Although I didn't panic and run when I found this out. My heart feels like its in my stomach and still sinking. I want to cry, but I cant - never can cry hardly thanks to mood altering drugs from my psychiatrist. I have to take these things for the rest of my life and exactly the same time. This is just difficult for me still to fathom. I thought it would be years before I started meds, but I guess after all the things my body has gone through this year, it just couldn't stop the virus enough to control it. I know our levels go up and down with recent exposure but for me, approaching the 200 mark just made it to difficult not to start the meds when I weighed things out.

I am hoping this new job, brings me around. I wont start until Orange County Schools Human Resources gets off their butts and approves me, which shouldn't be a problem, they are just slow. Meanwhile I am at an extended stay apartment shopping when I technically don't even have a job. Yet another depression issue. The classes I will teach are geography and I have never taught this, and they are 6th graders and I have never taught that young before. The new county system and state standards along with the school I am hoping will preoccupy me enough that my depression will again go away.

Well that is where I am now. It felt good to get that off my chest, I don't even care if someone reads this really. If you did make it to this, thank you. I know it wasn't the most interesting story. If you have any odd or pertinent thoughts, let me know, comments about life with HIV are always appreciated by me.

Matt, dear, you've had quite a year.Anyone would be shell-shocked after going through a year like you've just been through.Nowhere to go but up, sweetie, at least that's how I would try to look at it now.Be kind and loving and patient with yourself, and don't forget the good stuff.You survived the year.You have a new job.You have a roof over your head and food on the table.You have medical care.Everything else will come, and it will all be gravy, and it will be good again.It's just a matter of time.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it helps to share, to read, to talk.

Want to remind you that you are correct about the medicine: you must take it at exactly the same time every day. Set your watch alarm, phone alarm, computer alarm...do something to remind yourself to take the meds.

Congrats on the job! Yes, you will be very busy teaching! Fun stuff!Teaching ideas to help with geography and world cultures vocab: make up cross word, and word searches. Another fun activity, that requires prep time on your part, is geography bingo. I love giving the ideas.Good luck and have fun!

If you can stay focused enough to tell your story like you have, you're doing good, even if today isn't one of your good days. It sounds like you have a plan, and have already implemented it, and I wish you well!

And one day, who knows when, you might want to thank your mom for packing that jock strap

That's quite a story. Yeah, not a very good year, that's for sure. It's almost over, though and it sounds like your're sorta, kinda, off to a better start. I hope so.

Now about those meds. Can't comment on the psych drugs but I have the same HIV combo and I can tell you it's not bad, sorta. It's somewhat easy to take and the result are good. But it's hell of a mood-altering drug. I mean it's the only thing I can contribute my depression to. It's either that or the virus. So I take me effexor everyday, as a chaser to the meds.

Good luck on your teaching job. What a series of adjustments! Yeap, that's been quite a life changing chain of events for you--but you sure write like a survivor to me. I loved the read, BTW. I got a couple of good chuckles out of a few lines. You are blessed to have such caring parents, Matt.Keep in touch. Let us know how it goes for you and those 6th graders in geography class. xxx,Mike

Wow, Matt. What a story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Not because of the tragedy you've had, but because it screams "survivor" to me. Look at what you've been through already. You have very loving parents, so be thankful for that. I know you are.

Starting on meds is tough for anyone. Just know and believe that these meds will be saving your life. They will make it damn tough, next to impossible, for the virus to win out.

You have to be gentle with yourself right now. Forgive yourself for those nights of partying and wild sex. We all do things when we're in a tough situation. People understand.

About the depression. I would like to suggest seeing a therapist if you're not already. Maybe you could get a suggestion on a good one from your doctor, or the local ASO. Maybe join a support group, if you're ready for that. I think a good therapist can make a huge difference. Hang in there, we're always here.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hay Matt. Sounds like you have alot of good things in your present and your future. Stop looking so much over your shoulder.. I remember when you first started posting. Your doing some good stuff for yourself. Don't forget that. And putting your thoughts down on paper as you did should make you feel better. I think you should go re-read some of your first posts. Give yourself some serious credit...

Matt,Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done. I too teach although it is 4th grade and understand how grueling it can be to get up and face all those young faces each day. I too have been diagnosed for a year now and have made great changes in my life. All this to say if you ever want to share some of the everyday ups and downs of teaching, and having HIV you can contact me. I would be happy to swap stories and strategies of getting through the days. Keep going!!!!!! your doing incredibly well.Peter

Reading your story I see so many reasons you should be proud of yourself for overcoming obstacles and working through them and continuing to get your life in a place that works better for you. Give yourself a lot of credit -- it ain't easy. I wish you luck in the futurE. keep us posted!

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"Get your medical advice from Doctors or medical professionals who you trust and know your history."

"Beware of the fortune teller doom and gloomers who seek to bring you down and are only looking for company, purpose and validation - not your best physical/mental interests."

"You know you all are saying that this is incurable. When the real thing you should be saying is it's not curable at the present time' because as we know, the great strides we've made in medicine." - Elizabeth Edwards

You guys are great. I know that I need to stay on the positive right track. I am hoping this move to Orlando is for the best, but with any move its starting to frustrate the hell outta me! The depression from the meds is still with me, I am staying to myself because I dont wanna be around a lot of people. On the reverse side, I have found a support group that meets monday's and I think im going to that this week. Hopefully tonight I will have made a decision on where to live, and as for those stupid supplements they are in the trash with the exception of the multivitamin and selenium. Sometimes B in the morning for energy.

Peter I'll be in touch...been teaching for 8 years, but having another HIV teacher to talk to would be great. Hopefully Orange County will get off their butts and get me hired this week!

Survivor, I don't know if I qualify for that...more like just going through the motions, making dumb decisions and somehow coming through it all. I always pictured a survivor as someone who purposefully did things. I am just praying for January 1 because 2008 cant be as bad as 2007!

The jock, actually well i didnt get to use it a couple times when I went back to DC for testing...who can resist a hotel room, the internet, and a chance to unwind

Thats quite a year you have had, but you have come through it. Congratulations. Starting meds is a reality check - thats how I felt, but my husband started six weeks before me as he was really ill with a VL of 1.6 million and a CD4 of 89. He got a blood check last week and his viral load is now 3,000!!! His CD4 levels are also up so this has all been a positive step for us. He looks 10 years younger and is feeling so much happier now. We realise that the meds are a necessary evil, and in reality many, many people have to live with meds the rest of their lives regardless of their illness. Its only the stigma of HIV that brings us down. The only depression he has is when he thinks about infecting me, but I feel much stronger now and am looking forward (yes, looking forward) to training to be an HIV/AIDS counselor and educator and starting a new phase of my life, just like you with your teaching job. I am hoping to bring HIV/AIDS to the forefront of society, just as Cancer has become. I am in my 50s and 30 years ago nobody, but nobody, spoke about having cancer. It was the big 'C' and people were just as frightened of 'catching' it by shaking hands as uneducated people are today of HIV. It has taken many years for this stigma to go for cancer, and my job in life now is to bring HIV/AIDS to this same level. I may not have 30 years in which to do it, but I will give it my best shot. I will be a happy woman the day I host my first social coffee morning for HIV/AIDS and people turn up for it!

We all have 'down' days. Don't let HIV be the reason for yours. I have only known I was HIV+ for two months but I try not to let it rule my every day. I am a proud 51 years old Scottish woman who just happens to have a cowardly virus that I won't let ruin my life! I wish you every success in yours.

I am sorry to hear that things have been so bad the last year. It is usually darkest, just before dawn. And, on that note, what does not kill you only makes you stronger. You will get through this, however, I will recommend looking into the roots of the depression and doing something to get it treated. Mental health is just as important as physical health and I firmly believe that mental health directly relates into over all well being ... a positive healthy outlook is important so one can save his energy to fight the virus.

Thanks, as per my depression, I take Lexapro, Lithium (not for long I hope) and Lamictal. Those usually keep me under control, but sometimes depression is just that depression. Not from a chemical imbalance but from life itself I believe. There are times when my shrink ask me how the medicine is going, I say I wish could tell you, with so much crap in my life, I don't think I could recognize what's what when it comes to the medicine.

Please remember to factor in on top of whatever level of depression you're dealing with, the added situational depression that often sets in with a geographic move. Expect it.

If you're lucky enough not to get down, lucky you. It's not uncommon in the first 4 -6 weeks after moving to run head long and hard into the reality of needing friends, missing old ones, not being near family, etc.

You'll be fine with time. Having experienced it a couple of times in relation to relocation, I'm quick to bring it up to folks who are moving or have moved.

How do you delete a post? Or if a Mod can delete this it would be appreciated. Anyways I think theres a bug when I tried to post in the seroconversion thread my post posted here instead. I erased the info and reposted the thread in the right forum. I did try to search the site and found nothing telling me how to.

Just an update to express my complete confusion about how Orange County Public Schools has even one teacher. The school that wants me hired me on 10/29. I was excited. They asked me to try and come down for a curriculum meeting on that Friday. (Curriculum is the standards that we teach). So I came down Thursday evening. After having traveled back from DC Wednesday. Long travel days. I went to my new ID doc on Friday and then to the school. Let me back up. Right before I left on Thursday, the school called me and said Human Resources needed several documents. I sent them all. OK then I went down there and checked into a hotel. I have now been sitting in this hotel one week pulling my hair out because they have YET to approve the paperwork. Every other school district I have worked in has always done this prior to getting to interview with the schools. I have called them daily about this. They never return my calls. I have plead to them and explained that my time in the hotel is run out. I get no response. Today I find out that the woman who is supposed to look at my things is out visiting schools. What the hell does an HR person do when they visit schools. Meanwhile it has been a week and a half since the original offer. I have a condo reserved for 400 bucks, and all i need to move in is for this paperwork to be approved. I finally told the principal of the school today, that if something wasn't done asap I would have to turn the job down and move back to SC because I could no longer sit in this hotel room, my deposit expires on Friday for the condo. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I have never in my life seen HR take this long. When I was hired in Fairfax Co, VA I had to go through 3 interviews and be fingerprinted before I was even allowed to contact a school. Pretty much the same EVERYWHERE but in this backwards school district. Meanwhile these kids have had a non qualified substitute teaching them for almost 3 weeks. Do they not care even about the kids?

Well, you can surely understand background checks are so important these days, that often pulls progress down. It may make you feel slightly better to know that what you're experiencing is not much different from corporate and higher academic institution delays in HR primarily due to background checks. Yours is particularly difficult considering the relo, hanging out in limbo, probably feeling as if it's less in the bag than you thought upon acceptance. Hang in. Beach nearby? Go for a long walk and get a fish dinner. Florida serves up some tasty fish.

What is sad...this isnt even the background check. This is the paperwork, do I have the correct # of references. How many speeding tickets I have had, etc. The background check and finger printing is the NEXT step. I hate them.

Today I walked out of the human resources office after sitting there for 2 hours and then demanding to see the lovely (bitch) hiring manger's boss. Surprise the bitch of hiring manager suddenly and instantly came back in the building. She proceeded to ask for things that were impossible for me to give her like a letter from a principal 2 years ago that no longer works at that school. I went off finally and told her how ridiculous her request were and why they hadnt been made a week ago. And since she didnt have that she couldnt approve my application. I told her to literally shove the job. I started to drive home but remembered I had a couple textbooks from the school. I went to the school, scared the hell out of the receptionist when she demanded i wait for her to get someone i could see through the door. I just finally looked at her and said NOT NOW. I gave them the books and started to leave but ended up talking to them. We are trying to work something out. So here I am again in a damn hotel room.

You all that have read everything that has happened to me can see why I am a little on nerve. This is my pledge, if I dont get this job, I will not be close to the ID doc that gave me my meds. I will stop my meds and just let this virus slowly kill me while i lay in my bed at my parents house. They sell off all my stuff to pay for my funeral.

I have had it, I can take no more. I thought I was coming through this only to be slapped down again. There is nothing positive in my life anymore and I dont want to live it.

...You all that have read everything that has happened to me can see why I am a little on nerve. This is my pledge, if I dont get this job, I will not be close to the ID doc that gave me my meds. I will stop my meds and just let this virus slowly kill me while i lay in my bed at my parents house. They sell off all my stuff to pay for my funeral.

I have had it, I can take no more. I thought I was coming through this only to be slapped down again. There is nothing positive in my life anymore and I dont want to live it.

Pilgrim, I'd say your nerves are MUCH on the edge. Take a deep breath and let it out. Now, think about what a nice guy you are, in reality. I hope you get what your heart is set upon but consider that this may not be what you are destined for......perhaps what looks like the best situation is not meant for you. Just saying it's possible something down the line could work out for you if this doesn't pan out like you desire.Deal with this current acute stress as it's easier to struggle to live than to lay down and die or self destruct. Hugs,Mike

I have had it, I can take no more. I thought I was coming through this only to be slapped down again. There is nothing positive in my life anymore and I dont want to live it.

Matt you can do this. Take a breath, I know we have all been where you are feeling isolated, alone and without a prayer for getting better, the folks on this forum are great and have been a great support for you. I have faith that you will find your place. We all struggle everyday, I hope that you see your struggle will not always been in vain.. Good luck, D

Remember what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, what makes us stronger makes us better. All my best to you in this most difficult time.

My best friend in the world forwarded this to me, we have been friends 15 years as of yesterday, we met in Augusta, GA, she brought me to Tampa, and life has been difficult to say the least, and awesome.

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND: ‘TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.’

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH.

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE OTHER FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE CARVED INTO A STONE: ‘TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.'

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, “AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW YOU CARVE IN A STONE, WHY?”

THE FRIEND REPLIED, “WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.”

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,A DAY TO LOVE THEM,AND AN ENTIRE LIFETIME TO FORGET THEM.

THIS IS MEANT FOR THE PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.THAT’S WHY I SENT IT TO YOU.IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE NO ONE TO SEND IT TO, YOU'RE IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY AND YOU'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR FRIENDS.

TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE!

REMEMBER NOT TO VALUE THE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE, BUT RATHER VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!

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Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. Calvin Coolidge

My update is bleak. After fighting with HR for days they demanded 2 documents that simply never existed and I even proved that to them. They demanded a written reference from 2 of my previous schools where both principals are gone. I proved this to them. They were demanding these things when their own county policy is not to supply this information for people asking for a reference. The supply the same thing that the schools they wanted more from supplied to them...if that makes sense. I finally told them literally "I have been through enough this year with losing my condo, my appendix and even catching HIV...I cannot deal with a flawed bureaucratic nightmare anymore...take it and shove it." I then got in my car and drove back to SC, where here I lay waiting for the 3mg of klonipin to take me away..hopefully to never wake up.

I honestly can no longer handle anything. They only decision I have made is to close all of my 401Ks and take that money and move to somewhere where there is a good ID doc and lots of gay people and poz people to hang out with when I need to. Would be nice if there was a decent university around where I could get masters...in what I don't know.... and a place I could get a decent paying pt job.

Those are my plans, however, if I get a fatal disease, or rather another on, or a truck hits me or a heart attack..that would all be a blessing to me. I'll be praying to the Unnamed God, (nope he isn't the Christian or any other major religion god for help)

I finally told them literally "I have been through enough this year with losing my condo, my appendix and even catching HIV...I cannot deal with a flawed bureaucratic nightmare anymore...take it and shove it." I then got in my car and drove back to SC, where here I lay waiting for the 3mg of klonipin to take me away..hopefully to never wake up.

***Please Unnamed God help me or kill me...either one is fine.

you scared me, I read the top bit and then your signature line and I was oh-uh, did this guy kill himself?!

You know what that teaching thing really sucks. They wasted your time, your energy and your goodwill. Shit happens, but when it happens you sure want to beat the crap out of the one responsible, or punish yourself. This will get better in a couple of days... if they are so demanding and unreasonable, who wants to work for this bunch of paper pushers anyway? I know it doesnt seem like it now but something better will come along...

Hope you get a good rest, Suzie needs you , and the idea of the Master's and a new gay-friendly place sounds good...

« Last Edit: November 10, 2007, 04:30:12 AM by Dragonette »

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I am back in SC. More depressed than ever. To quote another thread...FFFFUUUUCCCKKKK. I cant even think right now. I dont want to teach anymore. I dont want to do anything. I sure as FUCK dont want to be here in SC. I no longer have an ID doctor because of this mess. I want off these meds, having to take them everynight at 7:25 with food following an alarm...it isnt fair anymore. There is nothing positive in my life now that Orlando did this to me. NOTHING. I am closing out my 401Ks, that will give me about 10,000 to get in my car and just drive. I dont care to where. Somewhere with poz fags would be nice. Even Meth is looking attractive to me again. Hell it isnt looking attractive I want some to just lower my inhibitions and turn me into someone else again. Every breath hurts right now, everything I do makes me mad at the world.

Would you be able to teach in DC again? As you know there are many fags here :-) And a great HIV support system as well. And you have friends here. That 10K will get you a rental and if you can teach again here then why not come back?

This catch-22 stuff can really make you crazy -- all nonsensical bureaucratic stuff. And all on top of living with HIV still being very new for you. So we know you've been having some months that are very far from being a walk in the park, Mark.

Still, in spite of everything what comes through your rage is your healthy fighting spirit. At least that's what I am hearing.

Any AIDS Service organization in your area that might be helpful with planning and plotting your next steps?

For what it's worth, everything you've written so far makes very good human(e) sense.

Since leaving Orlando and coming back to SC my sanity has been shaky at best. I came up with one more idea. Get my masters at George Mason, and move back to DC. My father said he would help me support me if I found a job making more than 35000. Well, I went to DC to look and go to see my ID doc. Once I got there my "friends" decided to cheer me up after a bad year and took me that night to Phili for a fun sex weekend. That ended up with me doing bad things via drugs and staying in a bathhouse the entire weekend. Destroying my self-esteem for sure. When I got back to DC, my mother accessed my bank account and saw the charges. Then I went and got my blood test done and my doctor informed me my eyes were yellow. All this added up to not being able to look for a job, lost a lot of money, and I finally lost complete control. Thinking about the year, I finally went into total emotional meltdown. I take responsibility for most of what has happened to me this year. The catalyst being losing my job in February. I had to check into a hospital, although it was a gay program most of the people there were either on total detox or court ordered detox. I was an emotional wreck. When I checked myself out I agreed to partial inpatient. My place to stay fell through, further stress!! I was in a hotel room for 3 days (the weekend) until I could go back to therapy and tell them. Now I am back in SC and completely stripped of my defenses...anger and hatred. They did help me figure out that the root of my problem is my self-esteem and hatred of myself for various reasons....body and failures. Now I just need to work this out, but that isn't happening in SC. So either I find this mystery job or in January I checking again into a hospital for either partial inpatient or residential until I can make heads or tails of my life and figure out how to fix my problem. Thus ends the year from hell. May 08 be better in every way than 07. May this year rot in the bowels of hell as my life as been in hell this year. I have questioned everything down to the existence of a god. I know not where I am headed but I know now that I really need help and I am more than willing to get it, in fact I am now demanding it.

Matt, my heart breaks for you. Please get into a physical support group. I know it feels like nobody has had it worse, but some have, and have even come through it. They can help you see that. Don't be alone. There are definitely good things on the horizon for you. Please keep taking your meds. You've had it very tough, but there's a goodness and fighting spirit that's very obvious in you. Write again.

Wow, what a story. I will be praying for you and definitely hopes that the year to come will be better than the one that is soon to end. Hopefully you will get the help you need and the beginning of 08 will be a fresh start for you.

Wow, Matt. It does sound like '07 was the year from hell. I am glad that you're going to get the help you need (and deserve). Like I said in an earlier post, be very forgiving with yourself. I have to be with myself when I'm dealing with past issues. It takes practice, because I think we always judge ourselves the harshest. Maybe that's from messages we were given as children, I don't know.

Here's to '08 and a new you!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

sounds like you have hit rock bottom, which is in a way good, your anger with yourself and the acceptance of your own responsibilty for the situation will hopefully be the catalyst to take you somewhere better.

Not all is lost... you have your family, your education, work experience, your real friends (vs your "friends") and I know this prob sounds paradoxical, but you have also your health. your body that you hate has carried you through despite self hate & abuse...

There will be better times. Please hang on and do what you know is right.

all the best,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

I thank everyone for the supportive comments. They have brightened my day and help me make realizations to get the extra support that I need. Like I said at the beginning of all this I didn't even expect comments, this was more for me to wright, think about, and clarify my life. I love the posts and they inspire. This isn't a pity party for me, but a way for me to record, remember and contemplate where I keep going wrong. I have accepted full responsibility for my actions this year and the things that have happened to me. The only 2 exceptions were the firing from my job, which was done wrongfully and started this entire mess and well I had no control over my appendix bursting forcing me to move back to SC. At the moment I am sitting in SC bored, depressed, etc , etc. The highlight of the day will be taking my beagle to get her anal glands drained at the vet and let me tell you that smells AWFUL, but it will help her and stop her from rubbing her butt on the floor. My depression is eating away at me, but I can't really do anything about it right now. Not until after the holidays, which are going to drive me insane...no money to even by a piece of candy as a gift for anyone. I will survive it, but come the beginning of 08 the year from hell better be over....and I mean it. If I can't get a stupid job somewhere where I can get my masters in public administration I just may give up. But I am probably going to get partial inpatient help from an all gay facility first. If I can't break this depression and self-esteem issue, no matter what I try will ever work.

Thank you for your post. I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but reading about all of the trials tribulations you gone through, makes realize that my problems are small and really gave me hope that I will persevere as you have done.

I am super sorry that these things have happened to you, but your story really made me take a look at my situation, and I realized that I am lucky and I need to remove my head from my ass and get on with my life.

Thanks so much for sharing your story, it really made a difference in my thinking.

Matt, I think the partial inpatient is a wonderful idea. Nothing like some time away to regroup and rethink life. That's really great that you have an all-gay facility there. If someone were to even speak about it in this conservative backward state, people would be racing to the polls to put in their right-wing two cents worth. OK, I'm starting to rant again. (Guess it must be the recent posts I've been reading). Anyway, I'm glad you're doing something about the problem. Good for you! You know, as far as not being able to buy presents, Christmas "giving" is way over-rated. I think the best present we can give society is to help someone. It doesn't matter that you can't afford to give anything. Just being there is gift enough. Have a wonderful holiday!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

OK, get this....I went to my psychiatrist in Charlotte yesterday. After I told him all I went through (took 5 minutes) he asked me no questions and said he would no longer treat me. He didn't feel comfortable. He is the only psychiatrist I have seen other than my brief stay in the hospital. He wrote me one more month of meds and I was out in less than 10 minutes. When I tried to tell him what HIV meds I am on, he didn't even care. I always hated him, but wow that was ridiculous. My last psychiatrist spent at least an hour with me every time I went in so that he could give me the proper meds, this guys never spent more than 10 with me. Sorry just had to vent for a minute.

Still planning on the partial inpatient thing next month though. I have to get out of this feeling of dispare. Normally I would have went off on the doc, but I just stared out the window.