My mother was very distraught over losing her first grandson and my being very sick, so she probably wasn't thinking clearly. But she told me, "I don't know if you should try again because I don't think I can go thru it again." As if my feelings didn't matter at all!

I have had many kind words and sympathies expressed but there are some people who really should put their foot straight back into their mouth's to stop their lips from dishing out this nonsense.

I second the "favourite" from carol,

"everything happens for a reason". GGRRR!!!

and some others i have had to endure, whilst biting my lip are

"you will get over this", i will never get over this,the intensity may lessen but it will never be gotten over!!!!! what planet are these people from???

"god only gives these lessons to people that have the strength to bear them" what's that all about?? i don't even pretend to know that one???

i have just about enough strength to bear these sorts of comments let alone everyhing else i have to contend with whilst grieving for my son.

I am sorry that we have all had to endure these comments, some people just say the wrong things and think they are helping. In some ways i pity them, because they don't have a clue what they are talking about!!! There's my little rant over with!!

After we lost Ellie my aunt actually said to my mother...'it was for the best, she was so small and had Downs, who knows what else could be wrong with her'
Needless to say, my mum and aunt have not spoken since.......

I had to add I have had the "how are you doing?" also, many people were asking this just after our loss and at the service. I wanted to say "how do you think I am doing, I just lost my baby!?", but I would just say ok. I know people don't know what to say, but they should think about what they are saying before it somes out of their mouths!!!

Oh yeah...I totally forgot about this one! This has to be the most hurtful saying yet. To the mom who's MIL talked to her about daycare costs...I am so sorry [V] That was so hurtful of her to say...how sad...

NICHOLE

MAMA TO...

Eleighsa Lynn
02.18.03
&
Hunter Blake
10.24.97
Born Sleeping - 37 Weeks Gestation
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you...

I experienced nothing because when it all happened, I was in a coma and the day of her burial, I was coming out of it and the Nurses were telling me where my family had went. I was just fighting for my life. Now that I am able to mourn there isn't anyone around. Alot of my so-called friends doesn't even keep in touch. In fact, there are alot of people who I thought (while I was preg.) really cared to know what was going on with the preg.. Well they have all disappeared! The only real experience with someone saying something stupid is when my SIL who is a mean person anyways said to me this past Sat. night "Well you have those two little boys who would keep you busy and at least you have them, plus you and your hubby have too many kids anyways...have you thought of him getting a vascetomy?" Give me a break will ya! These people don't know what it is like to loose a loved one. Especially when it is your own child! I don't want to sound mean myself but it is a part of life when we loose a parent, grandparent,etc...It is * when you loose a child/baby. My daughter will be gone 7 mths. this friday (tom.). Not a day goes by I don't think about her. I see her in other little girl babies and I hear her in other babies cries. It would be nice to have some symnpathy. None so far!
I am sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are going thru!
C

Unfortunately, some of the worst comments came from my MOTHER. I was so sick after I was induced and delivered my daughter due to PE and HELLP (stillborn at 23 1/2 weeks) that my mom stayed the night with me in the hospital. However, she does that nervous talking thing, where she says everything that pops into her mind.

She talked about every baby and every one she new who had just had a baby, and "Did you see David Letterman's wife just had a baby?" etc., etc.

It drove me nuts!

Then she topped it off with, "Well, at least you have Chase (my 6 yr. old who was born at 31 weeks, 3 1/2 pounds)."

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for my son. He is such a blessing. However, I still am mourning the loss of my daughter every day. I remember her little kicks in my tummy, and how it looked like she waved to us on every sonogram. She was a part of me, and always will be. No matter how much I love my son, it does not make the pain of losing Callie go away.

Calliesmom - I am so sorry for your loss and the harsh things from your mom. I also have a son, he is 4 and lost my daughter (she was born at 30 weeks). I love him with all my heart, but it doesn't make it any easier with the loss of my daughter.

Everyone, it is terrible that we have to go through the worst thing possible anyone could with the loss of our children, but to have insensitive people (for whatever reason) throwing salt in our wounds is horrific!!

Wow! I've heard so many in these last 5 months and two days. Some days things people say "hit me" harder than others. I try to remember that they really have good intentions, and don't know what to say, but feel the need to say something.

I have the hardest time with, "How are you doing, now?" Not because it is said with malice, but how do you answer someone with a short answer? And my answer wouldn't be the same one day to the next. I am dealing with my grief, but I am not over it, nor ever really expect to be. I am learning to live with it, but it will always be my companion, whether I like it or not.

I cringe at the "God had a reason for this" statements. I believe in God whole heartedly, a God of life, and peace, and grace. While I feel like he does have the power to orchestrate such things, I believe he did not fashion Gracie in my womb and shape her for 36+ weeks only to take her on her birthday. I think He allowed it to happen, and that He most certainly can (and has) use it, but to cause it? I just have a hard time with that.

I cherish ever little moment spent with that precious little girl, both in life, each kick, each bout of sleeplessness, each rash of heartburn. This experience has made me grateful of discomfort.

I have a dear friend who shared my last half and her first half of pregnancy. Now that she is blessed with a precious little one, when she complains about discomforts, inconvenience, and unrealistic expecations of everyone else in her family taking care of her own children, I want to scream! I pray for patience in dealing with my greif and unmeaningly insensitive people.

My regards to anyone else walking this road. There is always hope.

Tonja Schnelle
mommy to Grace Elizabeth,
born still 11-03-03 at 36wks and 5 days
due to PE & HELLP

Bel Air, MD
tschnelle@lccec.com

Love to be a SAHM? Ask me how.
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