The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics Project

Your PBRs…

You know those moments when something happens and it immediately brings to mind a Half Man Half Biscuit lyric? On the Yahoo Groups Half Man Half Biscuit Mailing List, and perhaps beyond, this is known as a PBR, because “life is a Perpetual Biscuit Reference”. Anyway, by popular demand (OK, one person’s suggestion), here’s a page where you can record any noteworthy PBRs. Particularly good ones would be two or three references occurring together in majestic harmony, rather than “I sat behind a Chinese student on the number three bus the other day and he was carrying a Ken Hom Wok Set” (which is true, by the way, and I giggled for the whole journey). Over to you!

Letters Sent (1,394)

I was walking back from the pub a while back, with a mate of mine, a fellow Scouse HMHB fan, in the small Berkshire village where I live. As we were walking he asked me if we had many “drive-by shoutings” in the village. Not 30 seconds later, a car sped past us and the lad in the front passenger seat leaned out the window and yelled “Fuck off” at us.

9 January 2009

Mr Larrington

For the first night of Paris-Brest-Paris in 2007, I had the first verse of “Our Tune” on permanent loop in my head. With some 90 miles to go, a combination of lack of sleep and Pro-Plus overdose meant I /did/ end up in the ambulance…

12 January 2009

Peter Gandy

Last summer whilst flicking through the TV channels I happened upon an episode of Holby City, and immediately burst into “He looked out of the aeroplane…”. I decided to test how many things would occur in the next 24 hours to which I could make refernce to HMHB. It turned out that there were nine, including three in five minutes whilst watching that ‘news’ programme with Adrian Chiles (can’t think of its name): switching on Blackpool lights, the Fritillary butterfly, and one other that I have forgotten.

16 January 2009

Paul F

I was just listening to the 5Live sports news and they were interviewing the Cardiff Blues (Rugby Union) coach, Dai Young.

Ha ha, yes, if Friday’s Hoggart column was full of lanyards, then Saturday’s state-of-the-nation rant made me think of a sort of National Shite Day in which the narrator _does_ want to go to Cuba. Or something.

Meanwhile, can we post here when non-HMHB original HMHB lyrics get quoted in the media ? Well, here goes then ! The first episiode of BBC 4’s Folk America last Friday was always likely to be one for the Biscuiteers to savour: how many of the great early blues tunes or lyrics oft-quoted by our lads would be featured ? I guessed at least several, Mrs. Exford said probably a couple or more, and we weren’t disappointed.

After about 18 mins & again more extensively on about 55 mins (of a
one-hour show) we had Blind Lemon Jefferson singing ‘See that my
Grave’s kept Clean’ (indeed we saw almost those precise noble words
inscribed on his tombstone).

Then there were the much earlier spirituals, not really referred to in
the narrative but just played in snatches in the background – after
about 19.5 mins we had a snatch of ‘Old Time Religion’, and after 34
minutes ‘Wade in the Water’ (thankfully not the relatively recent Eva Cassidy version).

There was a good few minutes about the Brakeman (from Tyrolean Knockabout) himself, yodelling Jimmie Rodgers, on 50-53 mins, including a few bars of something that I think had a heavy influence on the yodelling bit at the end of a ‘Country practice’ (53 mins or so). Freeze frame if you’d like to to read the trackside memorial plaque commemorating Rodgers as the founder of C & W.

And can we also post here when radio DJ’s refer to the lyrics after playing a HMHB number ? “Aintree0252 from the mailing list points out that after `Joy Division oven gloves’ was given airtime on the Radcliffe & Maconie show last Wednesday night (21st)

And just to add a twist to the tale, Aintree025 tells us, Gordon Burns (he of local news in the northwest, Krypton factor, etc) was guesting on said programme, when it was pointed out to him that he featured in the lyrics.

Track played, and Burns seemingly presented with a copy of Achtung Bono as a memento. Available on the iPlayer thingy, Aintree 025 tells us, until this coming Wednesday 28 Jan – Fast forward until about 1 hr 20 mins for the relevant bit.

Cheers,

Exxo

26 January 2009

Chris The Siteowner

Don’t forget this page you’re on is for PBRs (occurrences which bring HMHB lyrics to mind), whereas this page is for bigging up people who knowingly quote HMHB in the media.

Or running into something to do with the band – that’s good too. Like this.

26 January 2009

Charles Exford

Apologies Chris – I realised the difference between the pages but just thought I was replying to a post in ‘media’ as Ben had mentioned a Guardian column …. silly me, must try harder.

You’ve given a nice precise definition of the distinction there (and who would expect any less from a technical journalist ?) but I still can’t decide where to post my next offering …. if I’m quoting _myself_, doing some comic verse on 606 on 5 Live, flattering-by-imitation-but-not-quoting the Biscuit ? It could be in PBR’s, it could be in the thread for the song itself (Referee’s Alphabet) or it could be in the media…. I’m guessing you’d prefer it in media ?

Awkward Exford

26 January 2009

Chris The Siteowner

I wasn’t specifically referring to anyone Charles, now stop it.

26 January 2009

RobJ

Not sure if this counts, but…

I was walking to work this morning and “Improv Workshop Mimeshow Gobshite” was playing on the MP3 player.

I came to a crossing and at the exact second that the line “Cats, Phantom, Starlight, Les” played, a bus cruised past carrying a large advert for Les Miserables.

More than just a PBR?

29 January 2009

Richard

Not sure where this belongs, but last nights Coronation Street (the second episode I think) had a darts match (I think there was a special celebrity darts player; one looked familar but I am not a darts expert).

Anyway, the team need 76, and with two darts, the darts player won on the bull (double 13, bull I suppose). Shades of Surging out of Convalescence.

This isn’t a PBR but there doesn’t seem to be anywhere else to put it. HMHB recorded David Wainwright’s Feet for the album Colours Are Brighter (which is available from Amazon at £39.99!). If you just want to hear the HMHB contribution, you can hear it on the new Spotify website. It’s the only HMHB track available on there but since it’s one that many of us may not have heard before, it’s worth signing up. It’s free.

21 March 2009

Paul F

I overheard my wife on the phone recently (a non-HMHB fan obviously) say somone was up shit creek, and was not only without a paddle, but “didn’t even have a canoe”. The next day a German work colleague asked if I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel (economically), and if so, was it an oncoming train?

25 March 2009

Paul F

A somewhat spooky one here. I was listening to “Christian Rock Concert” in the car, and as I heard the words “Get thee behind me Stryper
I’ve played your records backwards” I glanced at the dashboard display which told me that my estimated range on the diesel I had just filled up with was 666 miles…

27 March 2009

Jan

Sometime ago, Number One Daughter was invited to Avebury at Halloween. She came home full of tales about the folk she had met, and handed me a present, a little notebook made from handmade paper. “Oh, lovely,” I cried, “but why this? What is it?” “Mother,” she retorted, “I’m shocked. Don’t you know a quaint notepad for weekend pagans when you see one?”

Oh, and, should Mr Jan and I be surprised by an invitation on the hoof, so to speak, with both of the inviting couple right there, grinning away as if they’ve just handed us a ticket to paradise, all one of us has to do is say “That’s sure to be good” to let the other one know precisely how they feel.

27 March 2009

Justin

A first class fish and chip shop according to The Times Top 10 Fish and Chip Shops in the UK.

Current champions of Eastern England, Mark and Pete Petrou are former winners of the national title and offer a modern take on fish and chips with their forward-thinking shop. Having won numerous awards for training and development, customers are promised top-notch service from the knowledgeable staff. A variety of alternative species are available including hake, pollack, hoki and coley, as well as smoked salmon and haddock. Health conscious visitors can opt for steamed fish and new potatoes or sample the shop’s homemade fish cakes, made entirely with natural ingredients and locally-sourced produce.

27 March 2009

Pete

my girlfriend recently described some new singer-songwriter or other as “the new Nick Drake”.

30 March 2009

Mick Ransom

That BBC Timeteam documentary on telly this week about Ernie Shackleton retreating close to the pole, as he didnt want men dying to achieve his goal – 100 years on from that glorious failure some of the relatives of the original 1909 Polar team eventually achieved his goal.
Better still, double Biscuit joy was to be had – a bloke was clad in a ‘Lowe Alpine’ bobble hat.
I gave a little grin.

6 April 2009

Mr Larrington

Bob Wilson was on the “Today” programme this morning. The BBC shouldn’t spring that stuff on me when I’m driving to work – it could cause an accident…

30 April 2009

pjdoyle

I went to a wedding, once.

6 May 2009

Charles Exford

Whenever I notice a Biscuit-referenced horse running I always have a small wager, especially if the racecourse is also referenced in lyrics, e.g. “Mr. Ed” ran at Hereford recently (and did actually cross the line firest, but unfortunately minus his rider).

Anyway, just I won a few quid on “Classic Swain” at Newton Abbott. Sorry Fredorarci I should have contacted you with the tip. Didn’t have to wait long for them to weigh in either.

7 May 2009

Jan

Number One Daughter has just texted on her way to Somerset to say she has passed a sign saying Asparagus, Next Left. It being a bit early for Asparagus, I wonder if they know precisely what they’re saying and who would understand it.

8 May 2009

pjdoyle

Just been sent this by the Guardian via email: ( Sorry for the cut and past job as the efffect is better on the email)/

The Guardian and Observer guides to Performing
Part one: Acting, Part two: Singing
(3 characters)

ACT 1
The GUARDIAN and OBSERVER enter stage left, and join YOU – already on stage, reading from a script and practising lines.

SCENE 1

YOU
Guardian and Observer! – what are you doing here? …what are those?

GUARDIAN
(dramatically)

Oh these are for you – two very special guides to aid you in all aspects of your trade. The first to help you act with confidence, passion and skill.

OBSERVER
(sings)

And the second to help you sing with clarity, like the lark.

GUARDIAN & OBSERVER place the guides down in front of you.

YOU
How do you know all this?

GUARDIAN
We have learnt from the very best – from RADA, the Royal Academy of Music and a host of stars from stage and screen.

YOU
And what do I owe you for these guides? What do you want from me?

GUARDIAN
We want nothing extra from you – consider them our gift.

CURTAIN

8 May 2009

a_p

Jan,

A Somerset Biscuit run…

…through Bridgwater, along the A39 at the foot of the Quantocks, pass by a sign offering hanging baskets (sold out), then a sign for asparagus next left (with the added teaser of rhubarb) — all in the space of a few miles.

Haven’t you been watching all those TV culinary shows?
They’ve got the stuff coming out of their ears, along with scallops, which appears to be trendy at the moment.

And as A_P points out, there appears to be numerous cottage industry farmers in Somerset, who are in the the joke. No idea why.

9 May 2009

Jan

Brilliant, both! Sadly, I’m on one of those elimination diets so “All the chefs on TV we’ll avoid/culinary bores must be destroyed”, or words to that effect. You’re on the money there, Dave, I’m seriously out of the loop aspargus-wise. A_P, sounds like it would be dangerous for me to drive in Somerset…..

BUT — in the middle of researching something entirely un-Biscuit-related (growing more and more convinced there is No Such Thing) I found the following (stick with me, guys):

Former players who attended the (Emirates) museum’s unveiling ceremony on October 12 included Kenny Sansom, John Radford, and Paul Davis who along with **Bob Wilson**, Charlie George, Sammy Nelson and Perry Groves will be leading the Legends Tours operated by the museum.

Bob Wilson, tour guide. You couldn’t make it up.

10 May 2009

Charles Exford

Let’s face it, ‘asparagus next right’ signs are going to cause all kinds of nasty accidents and the local constabulary have probably been quite justified in removing them all.

You had me wondering if Chigley was syndicated in the States (was it ?) till I saw that the title had been added this side of the pond.

(***IRRELEVANT & SPURIOUS REST-OF-POST ALERT***STOP READING NOW IF YOU VALUE BREVITY AND RELEVANCE)

…but the uncanny thing for me reading the full story from the Boston site is that in the sentence “the collision happened near the Government Center M.B.T.A. stop” you’ve got PBRs (personal Boston references) from my 2 favourite Boston acts, Jonathan Richman, who sang about

“Rockin’ at the Government Center,
to make the secretaries feel better,
as they stick the stamps on the letter”

and the Dropkick Murphys, who sang about

….the story of a big ol’ skinhead
On a tragic and fateful day
Put 10 cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family
And went to ride on the M.B.T.A

I should make up strange “connections” competitions for the radio & then get people I know to phone in and win them. Oh wait a minute, I’ve done that.

“Are these my ultimate pyjamas
Is this my final dressing gown”
Any ideas as to the root of this? Its been bugging me since I first heard it. I thought perhaps from some war poet, or similar but much time on google and talking to ‘poemmy’ friends has yeilded ZERO!

9 June 2009

Dick Drake

Re Dave F’s comment on asparagus and scallops:

ODE TO PECTINIDAE OR
SCALLOPS ARE THE NEW CHORIZO

What the ell is it with scallops
They seem to be in every dish
They put em with lamb
And strawberry jam
They even put em in with fish

What the flippin eck is it with scallops
There surely cant be many left
Their sinuous ridges
End up in fridges
A favourite of every chef

What on earth is it with scallops
They must be living in bi-valve hell
Whatever their plight
It serves em right
With their flirty sub-circular shell

What the eck is it with scallops
I know its a tasty little fella
My excuse is lame
But I have to blame
St James of Compostella

I know what it is with scallops
And I also blame the TV cooks
With their fancy nosh
Trying to be posh
But I bet it sells em lots more books

So next time you eat a scallop
Think about this little verse
And however you feel
Enjoy your meal
Cos for a scallop it doesnt get much worse

Hear it performed now and then at The Bridge Inn in Grinton along with various Biscuits ditties.

I finally got the chance to sing “You can’t put your foot up in Europe” in a stadium on the ‘Nent last weekend. I was once booked for said offence in Germany but it was 10 years ago and well before the song was released.

So it’s last weekend in Lviv, Ukraine, and my team had already been knocked out of this tournament for supporters’ teams from across Europe, and we’re watching the final, the local Ukrainian fans’ team v. a so-called Glasgow Rangers fans’ team.

Not only are the ‘Gers unpopular cos they’re clearly not a real fans’ team, but are full of pro-standard ringers, but also ‘cos they’re wingeing and moaning all the time.

So one of them, who we’d already been goading a fair amount from the stands, turns to the bench, moaning about being booked, and his coach shouted back:

“You can’t put your foot up like that in Europe”

So I gave the entire stadium a rousing rendition of the whole thing, since I was well, getting a bit bevviedon some rather special local ales at the time. Bemused looks all round, including from my own lads, but worth it for me.

I got loads of pressies from the lovely Bohemians fans from Prague, who were in our group at the tourny, including an ace sticker: “First Ultras on Mars”, it says in Czech, I kid you not. A man in a BPHK may well be chucking said sticker at NB57 at a stage near you soon … actually I have a very rare 1960’s Dukla v. Honved programme I’ve been meaning to give him for a while too so I’ll parcel it all up for Bath ….

Meanwhile off to play in a fans’ tourny in Italy next week, where a dog on the pitch is pretty much guaranteed every year … happy days.

Exxo

3 July 2009

Mr Larrington

Dean Friedman was on the BBC’s Breakfast prog this morning, but fortunately I missed it.

15 July 2009

Peter Gandy

@Mr Larrington

They also spoke about the last time England beat Australia at Lords – in 1934 and led by Hedley Verity.

15 July 2009

Mr Larrington

I haven’t yet gotten around to watching “Who Do You Think You Are?” but I’m willing to wager that I’ll spend more time looking for evidence of motorway cones and Barry Venison than paying attention to the programme…

17 July 2009

Dave F.

So Mr Larrington, you won’t be joining in, in sympathy, with the now ubiquitous blubbing into a tissue scene?

17 July 2009

a_p

On the live Cricinfo commentary…

So it seems the mayor of London Boris Johnson is at the match today. Is it just me or does he look like half man, half golden retriever?

18 July 2009

Malcolm of Arimathea

I woke up oddly early on Saturday having struggled to get to sleep, vaguely wondering if I should go for a run (I am training for a distance race), turned over to look at my clock, and it was 4:06. That freaked me out a bit.

Richmond Park had to stand in for the Ogwen Lake, but still…

20 July 2009

Swanaldo

The wife wanted to buy a Bob the Builder DVD for the boys today. I objected on the grounds that “Neil Morrissey’s a knobhead.”

9 August 2009

Mr Larrington

Driving home down the M11 yesterday evening, I was just about to overtake a Berlin-registered lorry when “Little In The Way Of Sunshine” started playing.

Not sure if this counts or no, but I keep driving past a church in a village before a motorway junction, attached to the church is a sign that says:

“last services before the motorway”

for some reason I keep thinking, asparagus next left.

10 September 2009

Ben

Sat in the pub beer garden yesterday avoiding the hordes of new found City fans tellyclapping on their game (2 miles away) on the snide Norwegian channel, with two Evertonians, one of who was bemoaning her step-dad having a ‘Free Michael Sheilds’ (Sic) car sticker, quick as flash the other Evertonian commented “There’s people who can’t spell Shields right, driving round with 000’s in the bank!”

13 September 2009

a_p

The band play Roadwater, Exmoor, and what follows? An increase in the Marsh Fritillary population according to the latest edition of the local newspaper.I suspect the article was roundly ignored.

Talking of newspapers, did you catch this Saturday’s Guardian? A free copy of Jackie magazine! Sadly no mention of Kendo Nagasaki.

13 September 2009

Wobs

Once saw a sign in Cornwall by the side of the road that “Pumpkin and Squash Suprise!” They must think we’re stupid.

And one of my local pubs used to have album covers framed on the wall, including: London Calling, Dark Side of the Sun, and ……..a Lisa Domineque album! I should explain that as she’s from Hull, it does add something to the decor.

23 September 2009

Dave F.

Sun?

Was that an unreleased follow up?

Must be worth a bob or two.

23 September 2009

Looney Toon

Worcester Live has in the ‘It’s What’s On’ section, Dean Friedman, Gordon Giltrap and The Eva Cassidy Story, all on in the coming months!

8 October 2009

Dave F.

Wow!
The Eva Cassidy Story.

She wrote some songs that no one liked
Until she died.
And that was only because Terry Wogan played them.
The End.

And, don’t, repeat don’t, get me started on Nick Drake.
He committed suicide because he was depressed, because no one liked his music.
Oh! the irony now.

8 October 2009

dirk the purist

Just heard that an elderly aunt of mine had written to Tom Watson, following his narrow loss at the open championship. Received a hand written reply too ! – putting Jack and Greg to shame

I was watching “The Fast Show” on DVD over the weekend. In one of the earlier episodes of Series 2 the Ron Manager sketch not only uses the word “aplomb” but also mentions that the most interesting part of the match under discussion was when a small dog got loose on the pitch.

In a later show, Ron gave a fine demonstration of running backwards, thereby showing that this difficult skill was appreciated by at least one pundit.

21 December 2009

Bob

A bit of a weak one, but I knew a thoroughly miserable bastard called Frank, and I don’t doubt that at some point he went through a state of depression in his bedroom.
(Sealclubbing)

26 December 2009

Bob

Also it’s a constant and indisputable fact of life that Neil Morrissey’s a Knobhead.

26 December 2009

Swanaldo

Double whammy from tonight’s Emmerdale… Firstly, the red-haired strumpet asked her son if he had had “a row on New Year’s Eve”, then there was clearly some ‘darts in soap opera’ action in the closing scenes…no-one seemed to be scoring.

1 January 2010

Peter Gandy

Guitar Heroes at the BBC on New Years Day had Focus – are you knackered man?, followed by Man – Welsh rockers.

4 January 2010

Mr Larrington

Ever since I was a Penniless Student Oaf, I’ve blithely assumed that the cast of characters in “The Trumpton Riots” actually live in Trumpton, to the extent that I flew into a big stabby rage at John Humphrys last night when, on “Celebrity Masterbonce”, he claimed that Dr Mopp and Mrs Honeyman come from Camberwick Green. So this morning I consulted teh Interwebs prior to firing off a Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells at the BBC, only to discover that he’s right.

I feel dirty now.

8 January 2010

John Anderson

I recently received my annual interest statement fom Nationwide.

It’s signed by the Senior Operations Manager in Account Maintenance one Neil Crossley.

Maybe that’s the inspiration for ITMA.

10 January 2010

Peter Gandy

Multi-talented Sinnitta – she yet again highlighted the irony in those lyrics last night on the Ice Dancing programme.

11 January 2010

Swanaldo

Somethings definitely afoot on Emmerdale….. Yesterday someone was referred to as a ‘lackey’, and there was an unfeasibly large poster of Cuba in someone’s house.

12 January 2010

slowmotionstranger

having loved HMHB since i was 12 i thought i’d died and gone to heaven when Pato told me he was engineering their next album, CSI.
I was invited along during a recording session and was desperate to finish work on time to make sure i got there, sometimes it’s cool being a mate of the bloke…
from behind the counter in Micro Music i saw an old lady collapse outside and ran out to try and help her but there was nothing i could do, she died from a heart attack as i held her.
By the time i arrived at the studio my head was a mess, i just sat and stared for most of the time and the band must have thought i was weerd.
What should have been the greatest time i ever had turned into one of my saddest memories and all i could think was
“We stand around in bus queues and die in midweek.”
This is 100% true. Sad but true. Life plays cruel tricks sometimes…

14 January 2010

slowmotionstranger

Oh yes, by the way, she was waiting for the 86.

14 January 2010

Charles Exford

Intriguing story SMS. Can definitely hear the Ken Hancock bird noises influence at work in your King of Rock’n’Roll.

15 January 2010

John Anderson

A bonanza weekend for broadsheet acceptability

Saturday’s Guardian magazine contained a lifestyle feature about Wantage, but sadly there was no mention of the unavailability of “Teenage Eskimo”.

And one of the clues in Sunday’s Observer crossword was “Awful hardship so real in a volume of poetry (1,10,3).”

“And one of the clues in Sunday’s Observer crossword was ‘Awful hardship so real in a volume of poetry (1,10,3).'”

A Shropshire Lad. I claim my £20 book token.

2 February 2010

John Anderson

My wife’s going to the Winter Olympics later this month (as a ticket executive not a competitor, I hasten to add) which means that I will become a Nordic ski widower.

But she’s still my downhill lady.

3 February 2010

Colin

Two things happened on Tuesday in the wilds of Cardiff. I nearly got taken out by someone careering out of Boots without due care and attention – only some nifty footwork not seen since the days of Dead Shot Keen avoided certain death! Then when going for a late lunch break, I heard the definite tune of “When the evening sun goes down” echoing around me as I walked down the street; taking a moment to regain my senses, I realised it was blasting from a parked vehicle next to me. Now its not often I hear the Biscuit being played in the street, so I had to stop and speak to the driver on his excellent taste in music. If you read this, fellow Biscuit-head from Cardiff, thank you for brightening up my day.

4 February 2010

dagenham dave

HMHB in my opinion do bring people closer together. If I wear a HMHB t-shirt to a gig I invariably have complete strangers approach me and either smile and nod or as happened at a Wedding Present gig shake my hand.
Recently whilst in the queue in Waitrose I was wearing my HMHB hat, the bloke in front of me smiled and whilst packing his shopping said “I hate Nerys Hughes”, confused the woman on the till no end. Just before he left he told me that he was in a band that supported HMHB once, didn’t say who they were though.
This post does appear to indicate that I’m always wearing some HMHB clothing – I don’t.

4 February 2010

Mr Larrington

I was watching the Inspector Morse episode “Cherubim And Seraphim” the other night in which assorted teenage rave types top themselves accompanied by the sort of stuff which doubtless got ten out of ten in Jockey Slut and four out of five in Mixmag.

I couldn’t help but mumble “Eggs bread cigs milk” and “A552″ for most of the two hour duration.

5 February 2010

dagenham dave

Every time I heard this on the news my mind jumped to a certain line from ‘Them’s The Vagaries’

and immediately thought of “National Shite Day”. Sadly the culprit turned out to be a 40-year-old unemployed man in the Black Sea port of Novorossiysk rather than a junior employee.

18 February 2010

Ben

Got home this evening to be surprised by my annual water-bill, not pleasantly either.

18 February 2010

Peter Gandy

Just got an easy jet back from Amsterdam.

20 February 2010

John Anderson

I’ve just gone through St Neots on the way back from the postponed game at Peterborough. Further down the line at Hitchin there was a bus with “Rail Replacement Service” on the front. But sadly the Guardian magazine’s run of HMHB related towns is over (unless there’s a reference to Saffron Walden somewhere that I’ve missed).

20 February 2010

Ben

John, I’m suffering with you in terms of wasted football trips. Thankfully as ‘an M6ster’ I wasn’t waylaid by North Staffs Police after a turgid game at the Bescott

21 February 2010

Chris The Siteowner

Not really a PBR, but I feel as excited as Amy Williams this morning because I’m the world’s highest scorer at Vatican Broadside on Tune Runner on the iPhone, with 7,311 points. Take that, kids.

21 February 2010

Dave Wiggins

Ben, whilst discussing our 1970’s holidays at Merseyside Christian Youth Camps in Abererch, North Wales, an associate of mine asked if I remembered “them (sic) bottle-necks at Capel Curig”. He claims never to have heard the said track, but I remain unconvinced.

22 February 2010

Dave Wiggins

One of our company directors was called Mr Edmunds (as in Dave, but, sadly, not Noel). Notwithstanding the ‘incorrect’ spelling, I used to enjoy notifying his secretary when his regular contacts turned up for an appointment.

22 February 2010

Charles Exford

I think from when I was about 8 years old in the early 70s the phrase “Bottle Neck at Capel Curig” was continually emblazoned on my consciousness, from the warning signs on the A5.

23 February 2010

Neil G

I started putting some of my books and CDs up for sale on Amazon a couple of weeks ago and I’ve sold about ten things. In wrapping them up I have had more than one ‘shit sellotape’ moment. I guess I’m just going to have to bite the bullet and invest in some good quality stationery, if I can be bothered getting up.

23 February 2010

Neil G

I was just reading ‘The Problem of Increasing Human Energy, with Special References to the Harnessing of the Sun’s Energy’ by Nikola Tesla, as you do, when I came across this line: “The individual is ephemeral, races and nations come and pass away but man remains”. I wonder which man he was thinking of. There’s no mention of snide rosettes or sacks of Candarel but, you never know.

23 February 2010

Mr Larrington

I found myself watching the plucky BRITONS getting knocked out of the Olympic curling by a posse of Canadian werepigs last night (there was no paint drying to be found on any other channel) and, noting that curling is merely bowls for people without lawns, found myself continually mumbling “never trust a crown green bowler under thirty”.

24 February 2010

Paul F

Capel Curig was indeed a notorious bottle neck in days of yore.

24 February 2010

Dave Wiggins

Being in the Public Sector, I regularly have to deal with queries from the PHSO (Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman – aka, simply, ‘The Ombudsman’). Indeed, when The Ombudsman (Ms Ann Abraham, triv fans) launched her ‘Principles of Good Adminstration’ back in 2007, I was delighted to be invited to Millbank Tower, for a Westminster soiree, which, ironically, commenced just as the evening sun went down.

27 February 2010

Sim

Did I dream it or am I going mad?

I’m sure I listened to a HMHB song a while back that was on the theme of a male ‘Sex In The City’ and mentioned spending time in the Hamptons, but Northampton and Southampton are so far apart and as for Wolverhampton, well, don’t go there! Being from Wolverhampton this particularly tickled me and I’ve been trying to find this song again!

Can anyone help me out and let me know the name of this song or just put my mind at rest and tell me I have gone mad!!??

1 March 2010

Sim

Sorry if my last post is int the wrong place but I couldn’t find where else to put it!

1 March 2010

dagenham dave

Sim, that doesn’t sound even vaguely familiar but the idea of it does make me laugh.

1 March 2010

Sim

Dagenham Dave (and everyone esle!), sorry but I’ve just realised after extensive searching that I was indeed going mad and it was actually a Mitchell & Webb Sound sketch that I was thinking of!

1 March 2010

Mr Larrington

I have just been informed that Dr Larrington, who has visited Iceland on many occasions, is to take her holibobs in Cuba this year. I fear for her on!ons.

4 March 2010

steve nicholls

This is probably a quite common story, but today’s Blue Badge Abuser story is from the Birmingham Post http://bit.ly/9RRGUc

4 March 2010

RobJ

Not quite exact, but Fistral Beach was a runner in the big race at Kempton Park last Saturday. Wonder if Ruby Walsh suffered a bout of wave rage after he got unshipped early on?

5 March 2010

Charles Exford

Cheers Rob. I missed this one (normally it’s biscuit-relatedness would have meant a heads-up on the Yahoo list) ‘cos I was on Bundesliga 2 service in Germany last weekend, but I notice it goes at the Cheltenham Festival on the Thursday (18th, 1.30pm), and if Ruby’s rage has subsided I’ll be on board with him.

5 March 2010

Ricardo

HMHB have suddenly appeared on Spotify. Eight of the studio albums plus Editor’s Recommendation EP.

10 March 2010

Neil G

Ricardo,
I’ve been checking Spotify for HMHB on and off for the last year. Why no Saucy Haulage Ballads, I wonder?

10 March 2010

Chris The Siteowner

Interestingly, the three albums not available on Spotify (Back Again…, McIntyre… and Four Lads…) are also the three which are not available on eMusic. And both sources have the same solitary EP. I can’t work out what the connection between the “missing” records is. Song rights? Adult content? I can’t imagine what it might be.

10 March 2010

John Anderson

Teenage Eskimo

11 March 2010

Neil G

I was looking at a book called Ballads and Songs of Lancashire, specifically for The Radcliffe Otter Hunt, a wonderful poem/song written from the point of view of the otter, who gets killed at the end. It’s the only song I know that’s sung by a dead otter. Anyway, I found this poem, O’er Again by Septimus Tebay. What a wonderful name. I can’t get away from HMHB. Everything seems to remind me of one song or another.

With the accumulation of fluff, dust and Skog(tm) behind my sofa, I deemed it undesirable to hide behind it when Dave Stewart popped up on “Panorama” last night, so contented myself with running to the kitchen to get another BEER.

16 March 2010

Precocious Mckenzie

Mickey Quinn, lardy ex-Newcastle and Coventry striker, gave a brief mention to “Junior Kickstart” on TalkSport only yesterday morning…

28 March 2010

Neil G

I just saw this on a forum.
—–
Check your outbuildings!!!

Garden sheds and other outbuildings are being lived in by immigrants, the number seems to be growing. If you have one or more in your garden do you put them on next years census form?
—-

After Brentfords entertaining 3-2 win at Boundary Park on Tuesday took us to 50 points with 9 games to go, I’ve been looking forward to my “walk around Cartmel”

Balkestein played a blinder too Chris.

1 April 2010

Charles Exford

Happy for you Ben, and thanks for beating Oldham. Mrs.Exford, too, was pleased to hear Olly declare mathematical safety as early as the final week of March – Blackpool were, and of couse are, one place off the play-offs at the time.

Tranmere will be hanging round the trapdoor till May I’m afraid, and up till now I’ve been telling people it’s any two from seven down there. But then you look at the remaining games and suddenly there aren’t that many points to be had. Maybe by a fornight on Tuesday your lads will have their liloes out ?

1 April 2010

Charles Exford

On the other hand, all I need to do is put a bet on and the opposite immediately transpires, nearly each and every goal a hotly disputed penalty of course.

2 April 2010

dagenham dave

Felt very proud yesterday when I managed to get ‘careful now that swan could break your arm’ into a conversation only to be met with ‘did you know they can also drown dogs’.
as well as provided an alternative lyric this has left me looking at swans in new rather disturbing light.

3 April 2010

Ricardo

Playing it safe after the Stringy Bob fiasco, I note that Elton John ropes in a Rockabilly Jim for his Giro Drop scam in the latest issue of Viz. Jim doesn’t look as if he’d be much help in a pub quiz team, though perhaps he believes he is needed for the music round.

5 April 2010

Garth Crooks

I’ve don’t bother washing sieves any more – life’s too short. I just put them straight on the draining board to dry, then give them a bit of a shake – after all, who’s to know?

5 April 2010

Colin

Morining all and a big up to Chris Rand who made it onto Radio 5 live this morning to give the save radio 6 a big plug.Made me chuckle and stay in bed that bit longer. I have no doubt someone else on here will have full transcripts and punctuaution with acknowledgements for regional dialects but it won’t be me

6 April 2010

Chris The Siteowner

Er, I don’t think so. I only woke up a moment ago to read this!

6 April 2010

Swaledale Henry

Re. Radio 5 bit this morn. A lovely way to be brought into Tuesday!

6 April 2010

Charles Exford

Exxo’s forensic voice analysis machine, amongst other indicators, suggests that it was Chris Shade of the spacebook campaign on the wireless this morning (Sorry Colin, it’s hard to comment on the punctuation but I will be analysing the presenter’s grammar, particularly her use of past tense about which stiffly-worded texts have already been sent).

They started by playing Rage Against the Machine, then Sheila goes “Half Man Half Biscuit, do you remember them. Their songs were crazy …” All past tense. Even when Chris Shade said “Yes” to the question “Are they still performing?”, and mentioned the very recent gigs, she caried on using the fricking past tense.

Then at the end she repeated that “I loved them, especially [sic] ‘Riots Down in Trumpton’. Dunno why. Just the title I suppose.”

Aargh. Kill, kill, kill, stab, murder and dispatch.

6 April 2010

Colin

WOW………see above still that confirms what time i woke this morning .

6 April 2010

Charles Exford

Also confims what side I got out of bed this morning 😉

Done some good business in the meantime so now more chilled & prepared to acknowledge that she occasonally mixed in some present tense. Good face for radio though, Sheila (and Nicky if you’re reading this, that documentary the other night just made me want to go out and find some Christians to persecute).

6 April 2010

Richard Lovell

There’s a Lev Yashin poster on page 61 of the Metro (Birmingham version, but they’re all the same apart from a few pages aren’t they?) today.

Made me chuckle on the bus this morning. Now if I could just get my brown anorak back…

9 April 2010

Ben

Driving through Dundee yesterday saw a fleeting glimpse of a poster for a Runrig gig, couldn’t see if there were any special guests.

10 April 2010

Peter Gandy

Nick Watney has just gone out in 32 in the Masters. Will he come home in 54?

11 April 2010

Tonto’s Expanding Waist Band

Apropos of nothing really… newly-styled, Top Gear… There goes my pub-larf-lingalong “Hair Like James May Blues”…

14 April 2010

Emerging From Gorse

I’ve got an appointment at Papworth Hospital this afternoon. Not a sudden PBR by any means as I’ve obviously been aware of it for some time.

However, this has led to me noticing something which is an incredibly unusual occurrence – about as likely as hen’s teeth, in fact – a lyrical error by NB57. (One of only a couple of which I’m aware).

I realise it’s pedantic of me in the extreme to mention it, but it is, and always has been, Papworth Hospital, not Papworth General Hospital. I know I’m commenting in the wrong section but as yet there are no lyrics posted for the relevant song and as such nowhere to express my pedantry.

In no way does it impair my enjoyment of said track, however. Still a personal favourite after all these years. Wonder if they’ll mind if I sing it while I’m waiting…

14 April 2010

a_p

At least your heart’s in the right place…

14 April 2010

Ricardo

…assuming he hasn’t left it there…

14 April 2010

Mr Larrington

Yesterday’s edition of R4′ “Word Of Mouth” was all about voice-over artistes. I was inexorably drawn to think of “Open Book” presentatrix Mariella Frostrup.

14 April 2010

Shirley Dimensions

Sadly I’m going to miss Vashti Bunyan’s interpretation of a Nick Drake number later tonight (BBC Four somewhere between 9:00 and 10:30pm). I’ll be out, as it clashes with my weekly 20 minute ‘all over’ at Tanfastic. Still…every cloud…Guitar Heroes at 11.20pm features ‘weird yodel-rock’ from Focus. Result!

16 April 2010

John Anderson

From today’s Observer Everyman crossword.

Ignored what Nelson did (6,1,5,3)

18 April 2010

a_p

Turned a blind eye?

18 April 2010

John Anderson

Correct. The fountain pen and thesaurus are yours.

18 April 2010

a_p

Excellent, I knew that Quink ink would find a home some day.

19 April 2010

s.g.d A Shropshire Lad

I went to watch the mighty Shrewsbury Town’s reserves get gubbed at Walsall tonight – tonight’s attendance 123 and a bastard slip of a sub got their last goal.

@PAUL F
“We’ve had an email in work warning us that we should avoid the swans “down by the lake” on our business park, due to their cygnets having hatched. I’m assuming they could break somebody’s arm.”

How many letters is that?

30 April 2010

Colin

Are you sure its a lake and not a reservoir? Only they are colder and deeper than you think

30 April 2010

Peter Gandy

This weekend’s Guardian ‘Let’s Move To’, checks out the Quantocks, and as no one else has mentioned it, at 78 minutes into the Barca/Inter game, Jim Beglin said, “You can’t do that in Europe; you can’t show your studs.”

2 May 2010

Alan Keating

Peter, I heard that about not showing your studs – & had a little giggle too myself!!

2 May 2010

Third Rate Les

I noticed today that Steve McLaren is on the point of winning the Dutch championship with FC Twente, who are from Enschede (however that’s pronounced – I’m with John Peel on that one).

Puts a new meaning to “Ordinary to Enschede”.

2 May 2010

Ben

“Sealed Knot Society let’s see you try and do this one.
Luton Town, York 2010″

3 May 2010

Jim Waterson

Ben, I sent that wording to friends on the morning of our game. Didn’t expect it to come true.

I’ve got ‘no bog roll’, it truly is going to be National Shite Day today isn’t it?

6 May 2010

Mr Larrington

While watching legions of yoof rushing around Sunderland with ballot boxes, David Dumbledore was heard to comment along the lines that “this could well become an Olympic sport”.

7 May 2010

Mr Ed

I was at an acoustic open mic night the other week. When one of the acts started a rendition of “T for Texas, T for Tennessee” I nearly fell off my chair, I had no idea there was a serious original (excuse my savage ignorance). I got a few disapproving looks for my giggles so I guess no one else got the reference.

Still, my mate and I did a couple of Biscuit covers there last night and thankfully one of the crowd of 8 seemed to know of them, although the memories were very past-tense again I’m afraid…

“Half Man Half Biscuit? That takes me back. Didn’t they turn down a telly appearance once because they wanted to watch their football team play?”

Grrr.

8 May 2010

tony of crosby

they certainly did…….turned down ‘The Tube’ for Tranmere Rovers back in ’85. It was Friday night, the gate was low and it was raining…….(if my memory serves me well……….)

8 May 2010

Charles Exford

Tony – note the quotation marks and the ‘grrr’, which indicates that Ed (like NB57 himself one suspects), got sick of hearing this anecdote some time around mid-1986 and hates it when that’s one of the few stories people ever remember (or write in their past-tense blurbs) about The Lads.

I got exactly the same question the other day after I’d sung “The Light at the End of the Tunnel” to my footy team round a camp fire (we all had to do a song).
“Who’s that by?”
“What happened to them?”
“Their first 2 albums were great”
“Didn’t they …?”
…well if their first two albums were so bloody great why the frick don’t you know that they’re still going strong and putting out wonderful songs?

Finishing our footy tour (7 games in 8 days in the occupied West Bank) this morning, we came past a section of the Israeli segregation wall outside Bethlehem where some crass evangelist had painted “Know hope, know peace.”

Normally I’d have gagged, but on the Monday after mathematical safety has been assured I’m on a lilo, in a sea of alright. As I mentioned above, all I need to do is bet on it (United to win title, Tranmere to be relegated, St. Pauli not to be promoted, etc etc) and it inevitably doesn’t come to pass.

UBI FIDES IBI LUX ET ROBUR

“Who needs Mourinho,
We’ve got our physio.”

10 May 2010

tony of crosby

Kinda fell for that one didn’t I?…..a ‘sandy brown’ own goal from me.

10 May 2010

Germ

First post from me,been a lurker for a while and a fan for ages.

Now a question: Who the hell is the Bert referred to in “King of Hi-Vis” on CSI:Ambleside?

As you should doubtless have been aware, last weekend Tranmere Rovers travelled to Stockport in a must win fixture to avoid the drop.
A fine 3 nil victory and Gillingham’s simultaneous disintegration meant that we stayed up.
But the auspices were already there right from the beginning.
It wasn’t in the inflatable balloons, dinosaurs, parrots, condoms or women.
It wasn’t in the copper that the Stockport goalie collided with.
It wasn’t even when at least two people got knocked out cold by Chris Shuker’s wayward practice shots before the game.
Or in how the away fans held onto the ball for about a minute once the third goal had gone in.
And no it wasn’t in the inevitable pitch invasion and crossbar abuse.
Or the bloke walking off with a 3ft advertising hoarding.

We knew things augured well when 15 minutes before kick off there was a dog on the pitch.
And even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch . . .

Anyway just had a weird though for Nigel…hows about using Warburtons…Fletchers.. Hovis. ( .etc ) for a new version called Thems The Bakeries.. !

1 June 2010

amococadiz

Ronnie..Bell Sniffer ..Irani just mentioned on Talksport about best gigs ever some caller mentioned Biscuit and even Ronnie ( Sniffer ) knew Alan Brazil was mentioned in one of their songs…and what a song

1 June 2010

RobJ

Colleague proofreading something this morning:

“Is it ‘Deal or No Deal’ , or Deal or No Deals?”

Me: “There’s no ‘s’. It’s the Book of Revelation”

3 June 2010

Jan

Just wide awake in the early hours — heard the world service talking about Benedict XVI’s visit impending visit to Cyprus and his security staff. Yup, the very words ‘papal entourage’ were uttered. Almost worth that early alarm call!

4 June 2010

Mr Larrington

Obviously with the World Cup in full flow PBR’s are thick on the ground. Mick McCarthy’s comment early in the Paraguay-Italy match concerning putting one’s foot up in Europe was very close to the mark.

The bits of France-Uruguay which didn’t sent me to sleep were largely spent telling Raymond Domenech to get back in his technical area.

15 June 2010

Third Rate Les

The “G” is for a captain who’s on 150 grand a week and reckons he prefers playing in the middle…

18 June 2010

tony of crosby

sorry, got all that wrong…..shall we start again?!

19 June 2010

dagenham dave

currently watching the Spain v Honduras match, the Honduran captain should remember ‘The S is the suggestion that I should show a card to an opponent by a player who’s been awarded a free kick, he himself is more in danger of getting one for that’.

The inane Jim Beglin wasn’t impressed either.

21 June 2010

Paul F

Reading Jonathan Wilson’s “Inverting the Pyramid” he quotes Arrigo Sacchi saying that when he was a small boy he used to love watching Honved.

23 June 2010

Mr Larrington

H is for handball, which has to be intentional, a fact which seems to have escaped just about every pundit and colemantator on the wireless-with-pictures for the past fortnight.

25 June 2010

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

What’s Bloemfontein if you’re not there?

Sky Sports News showing a group of England fans this morning in preparation for the Germany game. Singing ‘England ’til I die’ whilst proudly parading a Cross of St. George emblazoned with the name ‘Chatteris’.

27 June 2010

Chesneywold

I’m a contestant on a new daytime TV quiz that’s recording this week, and what with all the excitement and kerfuffle (“please bring 8 outfits”!?) it didn’t occur to me til today to wonder who would be hosting.

In a sort of “imagine the worst case scenario and the reality must be better self-defence mechanism”, I was voicing the possibility of Bradley Walsh while secretly imagining a newsreader, (much like voicing England losing 2-1, while actually imagining them actually losing on penalties), only to hear my colleague say in an improbable best worst-case-scenario sort of “and Frank Lampard has equalised!…” way, “It could be Alexander Armstrong…” And just as brief improbable hope was snuffed out by the words “It’s not been given”, so were my half-baked dreams cruelly extinguished with 6 crushing words:

I was watching the film Still Crazy on BBC4 last week. It’s about a rock band from the 70s who get back together in the noughties. Bill Nighy plays the lead singer, Ray Somethingorother. In one scene he was psyching himself up by looking in the mirror and saying positive things to himself, one of which was ‘You’re the man, Ray’. I wondered if the writer had perhaps heard 4AD3DCD and sneaked that line in.

7 July 2010

Peter Gandy

Fabien Cancellara on the rollers prior to the Tour Prologue on Saturday, almost certainly listening to ‘Lock up your mountain bikes’ through his headphones – and then yesterday leading Andy Schleck over the cobbles to take time out of Contador.

Ha ha, working temporarily at L’pool Uni, sharing a PC, just realised my pompous, snooty colleague has noticed I was looking at a bloke’s Soulmates page – thank you Shirley – but I don’t care.

Errm anyway, NB57 looks about 6 foot. And it’s his birthday in the next few days but I can never remember when.

9 July 2010

Charles Exford

Sorry ignore that about googling, do what Shirley said, sorry.

9 July 2010

Shirley Dimensions

I must say I’m quite excited Charles! This is certainly the closest I’ve come thus far in my quest to ascertain the exact online dating sites that NB57 uses. Hopefully I should be able to confirm his height in Holmfirth, (or rather at the Holmfirth gig, as I assume his height in Holmfirth will remain essentially unaltered be he there or somewhere else) as I’ve dilligently poured over the staggeringly complex, yet deeply intriguing ‘How To Measure A Celebrities [sic] Height’ courtesy http://www.celebheights.com. Rest assured THMHBLP will be the first to know of any imminent revelations (unless Hello! offer me cash).

9 July 2010

Neil G

Er, it’s ‘poring’. Sorry.

10 July 2010

Mr Galbraith

Having moved house recently, I have just received my new annual water bill. Unfortunately South West Water have seen to it that I wasn’t pleasantly surprised.

15 July 2010

Charles Exford

Ha, I knew it would happen – bloke who’s doing the PA for a footy-and-music event we’re organising in 3 weeks has just asked if he can bring his mates who are “very friendly and good with sound & lights, etc.”

So basically we thought about it, we listened to the song again, and we said “NO.”

Extremely-tenuous-link time!
Watched a TV show called “The Victorian Pharmacy” last night whilst enjoying my 2nd Bunnahabain (highly recommended single malt).The participants were extracting quinine from what is often called “Peruvian bark” ,coincidence or just being anal (and maybe a little mashed)?

Can’t figure out why they’d sing about an antimalarial drug in “Little in the way of sunshine” but they do indeed sing “I’ve used all my powdered Peruvian bark”.

16 July 2010

Nigel E

Just been watching the BBC news and the 3rd qualifying round for the champions league came up. If Linfield win their game they could possibly play Jeunesse Esch in the next round (no ‘D’ before Esch tho’). So I checked on the UEFA website and no ‘D’ in the team name. 10 mins later flicking through the channels and on the NME channel, a whole half hour on ‘New Noise’!!!!! Liquid Greek anyone???

16 July 2010

Jan

Fresh from the aether this morning — couldn’t help but give a little grin. This on the back of having watched Zulu within the last three days….

This place recently opened just round the corner from chez Ricardo. As it is located above a shopping centre, on the first floor overlooking the main road, it gives me the chance to serenade Mrs Ricardo with “Look up my betrothed…” each time we walk past it. She finds this, as I’m sure you can imagine, increasingly hilarious with each rendition.

27 July 2010

Neil G

Not a PBR, I’m afraid, but very interesting. Gez’s HMHB website now has some sessions on it here that are not on the Peel Sessions download on this site. There’s a very good session from the Royal Festival Hall in 1998 – very good sound quality (and I’m told the light show was excellent). There’s also a session with King of Rome and I’m Throwing Rice as well as the recording of Legend In My Time that was made for John Peel’s birthday. Good stuff. Oh, and there’s an acoustic session recorded while on the way to a gig, from a Johnny Walker programme.

27 July 2010

Ben

My eye was caught as the credits to Shooting Stars rolled, and was amused to see these crazy-cats responsible for the graphics*

A triple PBR in this months Observer Food Monthly. On page 19 is a picture of Thomasina (not quite Hermione but not far short) Miers with:

a) a Pashley with a basket, which has

b) a hub dynamo, which is almost certainly made by

c) Sturmey Archer.

I’m not sure she actually rides it as the saddle is set far too low: especially with the platform soles she is wearing. Someone must have chosen it as a fashion staement which makes Nigel’s reference absolutely spot on.

20 August 2010

Mr Larrington

With my bike geek hat on, in this day and age a hub dynamo is more likely to be made by Shimano or, if one is wealthy, Schmidt Maschinenbau of Tübingen.

Eurosport’s tennis commentator used the word aplomb at the beginning of the final set in the Fish v Clement game. No mention of Vitas Gerulaitis or Tim and Greg though.

6 September 2010

Charles Exford

Apropos of rural Roger Dean-eries, last Saturday we were first of all lost in Blackwell, then strange at it may seem we ended up in Eyam.

Mrs Exford’s been wanting to do the “Blackwell trek”, as she’s been calling the Monsal trail, ever since she saw it on telly last year. So we set off early-ish on Saturday morning, only to realise I’d forgotten the White Peak O/S map. Well how hard can it be, though, to find the disused railway line at Blackwell and then stay on the track ?

Mrs. Exford drives past surprisingly shallow, warm-looking reservoirs along country lanes where road signs may may not be what they seem, but nonetheless everywhere they are advertising “Eyam Carnival and Well-Dressing”. The road atlas takes us down Blackwell Dale and we find our supposed destination of Blackwell-in-the-Peak easy enough, but trouble is we can’t see anything that looks like a disused railway line anywhere, and there’s nobody around to ask in this tiny hamlet of about 20 souls. We’re sent hither and thither by some clueless caravanners, we’ve driven to two other nearby villages and back, we’ve scaled a limestone tor to scan the horizon for clues, and we’re about to ask some sheep, when we finally see a tractor turning, for no apparent reason.

“Ah, the old Midland Line footpath. It’s not Blackwell you want. “The farmer says. “It’s Blackwell Mill, back along the Buxton road. You can park off the main road there.” So we do. Apparently Blackwell Mill, AKA Blackwell Halt, AKA Blackwell Junction used to have the smallest railway platform in the country, right by this row of former railway cottages.

So then it’s over bridges under bridges to our destination, under tunnels over viaducts, and the other way around, with fantastic views down along the little river Wye for the next 2 hours until we are about to swing south …

…but this has only whetted the appetite for a proper walk and we’re not really ready for crowds of pensioners on coach trips feeding the Bakewell ducks with egg sandwiches and making jokes about tarts. We’ve realised that in fact we can turn this flat there-and back stroll into a far more challenging circular loop uphill and down dale back to the car. And after all it’s only a 4 -mile hike northwards to Eyam. How hard can it be, after 5 mins in a shop sneakily looking at the O/S and stubbornly trying to memorise the route ? ‘Cos I’m damned if Mrs. E. is going to spend £9 to re-buy a map I’ve already got at home.

Bloody hard is the answer. In fact we plunge headlong into several ravines and have to be rescued from limestone quarries frequently. But an hour and a half later we are amongst crowds of astonished rustics outside Eyam Tea Rooms. Realising just in the nick of time that the tea rooms have adopted a “Café René “from “‘Allo ‘Allo” fancy dress theme for the day , we swerve zem and head for ye Miner’s Arms instead. A quick swing round the plague- graves to pay our respects, plastic pint glasses of carnival ale in hand.

Mrs. Exford’s purchase of a quaint postcard showing a “Green Man” well-dressing design leads to an interesting conversation with the local scold about how the church may have wanted to appropriate pagan traditions when it suited them, but a curse upon them ‘cos they wouldn’t bless her own pagan design …. just then a bagpipe band leads a masked carnival procession past her perch and it’s all getting a bit “Wicker Man”. So before she curses us with the plague too, we decide to resume our loop back, via the spectacular Cressbrook Dale, to the car at Blackwell.

Earlier on, someone in the pub in Eyam has told us that Blackwell Hall is home to a microbrewery that makes a highly recommended Czech lager and we should pop in for a few bottles on our way home !! Unfortunately, when we do pass Blackwell Hall, it’s two hours later and we’re two hours muddier due to avoiding ancient packhorse bridges we shouldn’t have avoided. So even though we’d been to a well-dressing we didn’t feel well dressed enough to enter the well manicured driveway of the local gentry. The Bohemian stuff would have to wait for another day.

6 September 2010

Germ

BBC2’s Eggheads quiz show tonight had a team on called “Trouble over Bridgwater” and their captain said they were named after HMHB’s difficult 8th album.

I thought not very good, either shirt-wise or knowledge-wise. And the credit they got for their team name disappeared as soon as they gave their job titles. Even the music teacher had to have something ending in “consultant”. Five Star my *rse.

7 September 2010

Neil G

Charles, you’re just jealous because you didn’t get on. Why don’t you have a go against the Eggheads? You’d beat them on your own.

7 September 2010

Third Rate Les

I shouted “give us a song” to the various cardinals and archbishops accompanying the Pope wandering into Westminster Abbey today. Would like to report that someone followed it up with a “shhhhh” but sadly not.

No Slipknot singers in evidence either.

17 September 2010

Ed Words

i’ve had a belly-full of Tommy Walsh’s eco house

18 September 2010

Mr Galbraith

I have just come back from visiting an ex-pat friend of mine in France. During a conversation about the differences in food in the two countries, he admitted that to make breakfast more interesting that he sometimes added peaches to his cornflakes.

19 September 2010

Mr Gary Baldy

Drop-dead-gorgeous bird who owns every U2 record or mingin-stinkin-skank who has two tickets to see hmhb?

19 September 2010

JOHN DESMOND BOYLE

Today’s Times (21.09.10) article by Robert Crampton (p56, fifth column on the page, third paragraph) refers to “Blue Badge Abusers” and descibes HMHB as ‘criminally under-rated Birkenhead-based songsters’ in an article about erectile dysfunction. Chapter and verse given…can’t comment on the article; it hasn’t affected me yet.

Baldy John, not skinny Bob

21 September 2010

Chris The Siteowner

Good spot, JDB. Peering over the paywall so you don’t have to, I see Mr. Crampton writes:

“Figures from the Local Government Association suggest that up to a third of blue badges are used fraudulently, having been either borrowed, inherited, forged or stolen. Some cities estimate that the fiddle is even more widespread: Newcastle think it’s more than half; Leeds reckons almost 60 per cent; Edinburgh says it’s closer to 70. Nationally, a whopping 2.5 million blue badges are in issue.

“I was shocked to read this story. Call me old-fashioned — and I must be very old-fashioned indeed — but I thought that even in these degenerate times, parking in a disabled space if you didn’t need to remained a line that you literally did not cross, the kind of right or wrong moral absolute on which the Pope is so keen, even more straightforward than deciding that dishing out rubber johnnies to stop people dropping dead is morally right and not doing so is morally wrong.

“Even if there are ten empty spaces, even if it’s chucking it down, even if you’ll only be a minute, you just don’t do it, do you? Well, no, apparently, you do. At these levels of misuse, it’s probably best to scrap the whole scheme and start again.

“As with so many contemporary issues, incidentally, the criminally under-rated Birkenhead-based songsters Half Man Half Biscuit were first out of the blocks on this one. I refer you to the track Blue Badge Abuser on CSI: Ambleside, HMHB’s 2008 masterpiece.”

21 September 2010

Third Rate Les

Good stuff indeed.
Although perhaps the most contrived and entirely irrelevant dig at the Pope in the entire past month, against some extremely stiff competition.

21 September 2010

Toerag

Have any other eagle eyed fans noticed the similarity between Stephen Carr (diminutive full back for Birmingham City) and Neil Crossley? Are they perhaps related? Surely not another “bastard son” situation?

28 September 2010

Peter Gandy

Zane Lowe said the word aplomb – on his Radio 1 show last night; not in commentary.

29 September 2010

Sim

On Gardener’s World on Friday night Joe Swift ended up with some pitiful competition onions after neglecting them for two weeks! Not sure if he went to Cuba but definitely a no-rosette situation for Mr. Swift!

4 October 2010

Richard Lovell

Page 30 of the Metro today says that many youngsters think the umbilical chord is a musical note.

Quality. What next? Robin Askwith in ‘funny’ shocker?

7 October 2010

Mr Larrington

I was reading Simon Pegg’s new tome “Nerd Do Well” last night. Don’t bother; watch “Spaced” and “Shaun Of The Dead” instead. In it he mentions having performed a few HMHB covers with his band at the Embra festival, describing the band as “short-lived”.

Should we tell him?

15 October 2010

Peter Gandy

Does anyone remember the University Challenge question, “The kim Carnes song ‘Bette Davies Eyes’ was reworked in the mid 1980s as ‘Dickie Davies Eyes’, by which band?” I’ve just read it in the UC Quiz Book.

The setter obviously knew nothing other than the titles though.

15 October 2010

Daryl

Peter

I remember a HMHB question on UC from a few years back. If I remember, no one answered correctly. Damn students.

15 October 2010

Ben

Todays issue of The Football League Paper does a flashback to the successful Brighton & Hove Albion side of the mid 70s featuring goalkeeper Peter Grummitt, no reference to his LSD travails though.

17 October 2010

John Anderson

I’ve just booked a family holiday in Sicily. I very much doubt we’ll be storming any brothels though.

17 October 2010

Third Rate Les

If you see any sniffer dogs, can you let us know whether it’s the dogs or their handlers wearing the hi-viz gear?

17 October 2010

Mr Larrington

There was a woman in the audience of “QI” the other week who /could/ lick her elbows.

18 October 2010

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Driving home this evening I found myself slowing down to allow a young lady to cross the road in front of me. She hesitated, but I did not presume her intention. Infact I invited her to cross with an outstretched palm. I was rewarded with a stunning smile and a cheery wave. I’m so glad that I’m not the type of driver who’d beckon her across the road with an index finger, when at the kerb she lingered. Splendid.

20 October 2010

Shirley Dimensions

Bit late this one, but about two weeks ago a member of the Channel 4 Racing team (possibly John Francombe, though I’m not certain as I happened to glance away as it was said and wouldn’t be able to identify his voice from a sample of the rest of the presenters unless they all were wearing Dalek voice changing masks for a laugh and they’d forgotten to get him one) “if it comes in it’ll pay for the ticket to Dignitas”.

21 October 2010

Shirley Dimensions

or ‘were all wearing’

21 October 2010

Dot Cotton Dot Com

Paddy Shennan column in Liverpool Echo 20/10/10/
An anniversary worth making a song and dance about…It’s 25 years this month since the release of Back in the DHSS.

22 October 2010

steam engine

superb…..the pride of brighton-le -sands, crosby. L23.

22 October 2010

Bobby String

As a Brit now living in South Africa, PBR’s are thin on the ground. Most South Africans don’t even come close to understanding NB’s lyrics.

However, today as I drove to Krugersdorp to see my girlfriend’s brother I was listening to Trouble Over Bridgwater in the car. Just as ‘Used To Be In Evil Gazebo’ started I had to stop at a traffic light which was next to a signpost that read “Sterkfontein Psychiatric Hospital”. Sadly, I didn’t see any big friendly bears or The Tindersticks opening the Hamilton Bland Memorial Swimming Pool.

Ô¿Ô

24 October 2010

Mr Larrington

Someone left a message on my work voice mail. ’twas a little old lady, possibly called Margaret, enquiring about the mechanics of obtaining a Blue Badge, parking for the use of. Since I am a Babbage-Engine Driver for a publishing company, I found this somewhat odd, but the possibilities for Abuse are intriguing.

Just remembered a couple of PBR’s from my previous life, not as a Pharaoh’s wife but as a resident of the UK.

Firstly, I was involved in several drive-by shoutings as my brother-in-law is a seasoned drive by shouter. He’d been watching “Chewin’ The Fat” in which someone used the catch-phrase “Con man”. Later, whilst driving round Edinburgh he periodically stuck his head out the window and shouted “Con man!” at various random pedestrians. It can be embarrassing to be in a car with him!

Secondly, a double PBR. When I had the misfortune to work as a buffet steward on the now defunct British Rail, I was in the kitchen of the buffet car, kneeling down trying to light the ancient gas boiler we used for making weak, over-priced cups of rancid tea when the kitchen door slid open and a voice from above me said “I know you’re not open yet, but would you mind selling me a can of Pepsi?”. I looked up to see a man in bright yellow trousers, bright pink shirt and a hairstyle reminiscent of the nest of the White Browed Sparrow Weaver. My reaction, in my head rather than out loud, was “Fuckin’ ‘ell, it’s Rod Hull!”, thereby incorporating two HMHB titles into one startled response. Thank god he didn’t have that bloody bird with him!

Ô¿Ô

28 October 2010

Third Rate Les

Nice one Bobby. He must have thought you were getting jittery.

So on the boys names thing, in about 30 years it will be not long now until lollipop men are called Oliver.

28 October 2010

Germ

Yet another indication of HMHB’s clairvoyance skills….singing about Olivia taking Oliver to school before it became the most common name for newborns.

@Neil G – please don’t mention the Da*ly Ma*l here, I have to go away and calm down. That story about the name “Mohammed” is of course bollocks, they amazingly add together all the different spellings of the name but conveniently forget to do the same for other names. Anyway it is awesome that HMHB stuck “Oliver” and “Olivia” in a song a whole 12 years before they became the nation’s favourite two names.

28 October 2010

Mr Larrington

Because of my addiction to “CSI”, I am currently being subjected to a metric fuckton of trailers for “Extreme Fishing With Robson Green”. So far he’s only been shown with a bridge in the background, but I find myself inexorably drawn to actually watching the damn’ show just in case. Monday November 1st, 21:00, Five.

(Kills self).

28 October 2010

Neil G

@ Chris
Interesting. Although I would argue that someone who is called Ollie, Oli or Olly is not called Oliver. You can shorten Oliver to Olly but surely you cannot extend Olly to Oliver. Also, Olivier is patently not Oliver. Mohammed, whichever way you spell it, is still Mohammed. The variations in spelling are simply the result of variable transliteration from another language.

I was reminded of a chapter in the book Freakonomics, which stated that among black Americans there is a tendency to invent unique names for their children. Many children were actually named Unique, although, to make them unique the spelling of their names varied considerably, for example, Uneek, Uniique, Uneeq, and so on. Irony, eh?

28 October 2010

Bobby String

@ GERM

Ta for that, reminded me a bit of Splodgenessabounds, whom I mentioned in another post, only this guy sounds like a Max Splodge / Joe Pasquale hybrid, which doesn’t bear thinking about!

@ Neil G

Here in South Africa black people also choose strange English names for some of their kids. I was recently served by a waiter called Aceman! It’s not unusual to come across things like Wonderboy either. It’s a shame because their names in their native languages sound much nicer.

During the industrial revolution in Russia, it was not uncommon for boys to be named after new technology such as Tractor or Electrification. Imagine if that were still the case: “Not long now until lollipop men are called Laptop or Bluetooth”. Or imagine your daughter coming home with her new boyfriend and introducing him thus: “Mum, Dad, this is Dongle” – the mind boggles!

28 October 2010

Third Rate Les

I was going to make the same point as Neil G – Muhammad, Mohammed and Muhammed (and indeed Mehmet) are clearly the same name in a way that Olivier and Olly aren’t. They are spelt differently because Arabic doesn’t specify the vowels.

Oliver though – it’s an odd one. Interesting to see Archie there too, with all its lovable working class scamp connotations. William Hills had better get extra staff on next time there’s a meeting at Newton Abbott.

28 October 2010

Charles Exford

Is there going to be a toddler betting spree in Devon next March then ?
How exciting.

Meanwile if you can’t wait till then, and I know I can’t “My Les” will go probably off as favourite in the 3.10 at Uttoxeter tomorrowm. Can be doubled up with “Sway” in the next race after that. On the nose rather than placepot.

28 October 2010

Mr Larrington

Used not Alexei Sayle to claim that hi full name was Alexei Leningrad 1917 Yuri Gagarin Warsaw Pact Tractor Factory Moscow Dynamo Back Four Glorious Five Year Plan Sayle, or something.

29 October 2010

Shirley Dimensions

Using my February and July editions of ‘Teenage Eskimo’ and a bit of extrapolation, I’ve calculated that the top three Inuit names of 2006 were: –

1) Cikuq
2) Pikatti
3) Tukkuttok

I’m shocked on two fronts. Firstly Biisaiyowaq was only seventh (fifth in 1997) and Nanook didn’t even make the top ten.

29 October 2010

if you see kaye…

Not long now before lollipop men are called Mohammed.

30 October 2010

man-dy

anyone see (shh) x factor last night. There was a girl on it called katie wassail. Her brother, Uffington, showed his support from the audience, holding aloft his plackard which read…Let’s go the Met Bar.

31 October 2010

Bobby String

Wow, just had a PBR here in South Africa, 6000 miles away from the epicentre of all PBR activity!

Whilst waiting for the latest episode of Monk to start, I was yawning my way through Universal Channel’s ‘filler’ called Zoom In, a behind the scenes look at the making of various movies. They were interviewing screenwriter Diablo Cody and asked her where she came up with the idea for her movie ‘Juno’. She answered thus: “Well, I thought what’s a story that’s never been told?’ I’ve never seem ‘Juno’ but I can only assume it’s about the turbulent demise of Climie Fisher.

Ô¿Ô

1 November 2010

Sim

While we’re are on the subject of names, my brother had his first born son just under a year ago and chose to call him Archie, tw@!
I posted the full quote from Breaking News on his Facebook page after the birth, I don’t think his wife was very impressed. I wonder if she describes herself as “A little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex And The City”?

2 November 2010

dagenham dave

on the way to work this morning I happened to spy a man collecting the elastic bands dropped by the postman. I hope that as I write he’s making his way to the pub quiz…..

2 November 2010

John Anderson

I’m going to Stroud for the first time at the weekend. I hope they don’t know what I look like.

4 November 2010

boo

I’ve just seen a sniffer dog in a flourescent bib.

5 November 2010

atombowl

I can’t get a phone signal in my local Sainsburys so I have to ring the wife outside for a list of things we need. I memorise the list, enter the store and about 30 seconds later it’s metamorphosed into Eggs, Bread, Cigs, MIlk.

9 November 2010

BrumBiscuit

Sainsburys’ security, like I’m dead scared…

9 November 2010

Toffo 78 Huyton

I quite like a bit of rain…but I’m hoping Preston will be dry!

9 November 2010

Toffo 78 Huyton

Drizzle also…….sorry Chris!

9 November 2010

sicko fant

…stick to the facts

10 November 2010

David G

Last night, on Radio 5, a Scotish reporter was giving the half time update on a Scottish Premier League game (I think) and used the phase “…hotly disputed penalty….” in his report.

10 November 2010

Dave Wiggins

Hmmm, rather tenuous, but……….. That big ‘student’ riot-type-thing, today, kicked off adjacent to the office of the Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman (aka ‘The Ombudsman’) at Millbank. Bloke on BBC News made reference to Police restoring order as “the evening sun goes down”. Actually, perhaps not that tenuous, on reflection ………. Link, anyone?

10 November 2010

chedgzoy

Millbank tower is also home to a number of (Johnny) Quangos.

11 November 2010

Neil G

If I were the Chief of Police, I would give all those students a glass of limeade each. After a few hours, they would all be dying of thirst and wouldn’t be capable of such acts of criminal violence. I was more of an ‘eerie madrigals’ type when I was at university.

11 November 2010

Jude Fawley

The choirs of cacophony burst in, singing. And they were singing:

They looked at my bank balance,
I looked at their fees,
It was then I decided my prospects were bleak.
Well it may be through mob rule,
It may be people power,
But one day there’s going to be blood in the tower.

Blood in the tower
Blood in the tower
We’re all off to Millbank, for some blood in the tower.
I ain’t no Horace Moule
Never heard of ‘goose rule’
But sometimes there has to be some blood in the tower.

This may sound like a class rant
But it’s really because
The party I helped vote in had pledged to do the exact opposite.

11 November 2010

Germ

Yeah,to quote the great S Fry : They use the word Liberal quite wrongly.But at least now we know just how highly they value their own principles when given a sniff of power.

11 November 2010

Peter Gandy

And you thought that Nigel was joking when he said the Michael Jackson was wearing a HMHB T-Shirt at his autopsy?

This from today’s Guardian: “Micael Jackson’s estate has issued a statement insisting that it really is the late singer performing on the recently released song Breaking News, after doubts wer raised by members of his family.”

Who would have thought it?

13 November 2010

oliver&olivia

We have just received the news that our posh relation who resides over that way (The Wirral) has just had a new conservatory built-on to her already way-too-posh house. I assume that the invitation must be in the post.

Double PBR on 5 live now – a club versus country debate featuring guest panelist Garth Crooks.

I had to trample over small children to get back home to wash some sieves.

19 November 2010

boo

There is surely nothing worse…

19 November 2010

willy one-mate

Whilst walking the dog this morning, I thought I’d head over to the local park and take in a bit of pub-team footy. As I stood on the sideline, I noticed that the central defender of the “Stripes” started applauding the linesman’s offside decision. The linesman was stood only inches away from me but I was totally flummoxed as to what to say to him (without sounding like a mad man). It was an opportunity missed, if ever there was one. Any suggestions?

21 November 2010

Mr Larrington

Deep disappointment that footage of referees in training to accompany a piece about the threatened strike by Scottish refs only showed them running forwards.

23 November 2010

The Laird of Knave

When I still lived in Scotland, the refs were sponsored by Specsavers – ironic or appropriate?

@The Laird: The Specsavers sponsorship deal will last till at least 2012, which makes a whole decade. Though they hardly seem to have improved a single referee’s sight in all that time.

“We have invested £200,000 a year in training and development” said a Specsavers spokesman when the deal was extended last year. “The establishment of the referees training academy has played a key role in fast-tracking aspiring young referees to the top of their game. When we first signed with the Scottish FA, I think the irony of the association appealed to the Scottish football fans’ sense of humour. But seven years on, nobody’s laughing now.”

How prophetic!

I reckon all referees should be sponsored by the Luddites or by some tribe who believe that photography can steal your soul, as long as FIFA stubbornly refuse to let them use video evidence during a match.

It’s the supporters who should strike, and here’s an anthem:

Video Referees Now !

Sepp – justice is the basis for all sporting law,
But if a referee’s eyes aren’t enough any more,
If the game’s so fast they can’t tell what they saw,
We need video referees now!

You play fat cat politics to hold onto power
And sit with moneymen in an ivory tower,
Girls in shorter shorts? Play 4 quarters, 2 hours?
What are you dreaming up now?

When a ball’s in the goal for all to see –
Everyone except linesman and referee!
It’s clear to the crowd and it’s clear to me –
We need video referees now!

You say we might try video for balls across the line,
But if a ref can’t see those, what hope for truly fine
Judgements on penalties, and hair’s breadth offsides?
We need video referees now!

You can shrug and say that over the season
Good and bad luck will end up breaking even
Will Henry’s handball break even? That’s the reason
We need video referees now!

The ubiquitous cretin on a phone-in will plead there
That “a bit of controversy is what all games need, yeah?”
Yes, and miscarriages of justice are good for the media,
But we need video referees now.

I tell you Sepp, just a few short year’s hence
Every match will run smoothly with video evidence,
And your Luddite delaying will be seen as nonsense.
We need video referees now!

The said video replays would ruin other games
But cricket and rugby are still just the same!
Come on Sepp, don’t be afraid of change,
We need video referees now!

23 November 2010

The Laird of Knave

I totally agree, Charles. Since moving to South Africa I’ve watched more rugby and cricket than football (with the exception of the World Cup of course) both of which frequently refer to video evidence, or the TMO (television match official) when there are decisions that not even the best ref in the world with 20/20 vision could make. Maybe with video evidence the whole world would know that Franck Ribery was faking injury when he rolled around clutching his face while South Africa mounted a really promising attack that might have resulted in another goal had the game not been stopped to attend to his fictitious injury. I know we were going out anyway, but it would have been great to beat the French by even more and see Ribery get yellow carded for simulation.

In cricket now most umpires will refer really tight run-out or stumping decisions to the video umpire for clarification, which makes you wonder why footy is still in the dark ages in this respect. Luddites indeed!

Surely a bit of controversy is part of the game’s appeal? Actually, no. I’ve never found it in any way appealing to have to explain to my kids why the grown man on the pitch in front of them is pretending to have been punched in the face. Sadly I feel the only way to do anything about it is not to watch football any more; I’ve had enough of all the overt corruption and idiocy myself and I don’t think it will change while the game remains hugely popular.

That’s sad to hear about Brian Cant – he had a wonderful energy about him on playschool and all those other things he did.

24 November 2010

willy one-mate

Can anybody tell me what the opening lines of “When the evening sun goes down” means? Is it poetic licence or does it actually mean something? “I shout all my obscenities from steeples but please don’t label me a madman.

5 December 2010

John Anderson

I think it’s a ploy to ensure the opening line nearly rhymes with “Beatles”, thus enabling Nigel to deliver the Mark Chapman bit which provoked my biggest ever HMHB laugh out loud moment when I first heard it.

It wins by a short head from “Sealed Knot Society lets see you try and do this one/ Luton Town-Millwall 1985.”

5 December 2010

Charles Exford

Aye, it is a truth universally acknowledged that if the line in question rhymes with a genius quip, then there’s probably no need to look for any deeper meaning. However it would be remiss of me to neglect an opportunity to make a late-night fool of myself by leaving mere prosaic meaning aside and revelling pretentiously in discussions of imagery.

Shouting one’s insane passions from steeples, whether the glory of romantic love or some misguided religious infatuation, is a commonplace of many a 20th century song. Then there are generations of folk tales where misunderstood, persecuted anti-heroes take climactic sanctuary in belltowers and steeples, escaping momentarily from the hostile tabloid-reading populace below who of course consider them mad and therefore deserving of getting their heads kicked in. A 1973 song by Phil Lynott and a story by GK Chesterton spring immediately to mind, but the collective cultural unconscious harbours many such generic Quasimodo-like persecutions. The line could be borrowed from, or inspired by, one such literary scenario, perhaps.

Then there are the cafe bars, idiots and pigeons later in the same verse. Surely we must think that this prefigures the ‘Letters Sent’ on the cover of the following album and in the track of that name, parodying the classic grumpy old man rantings of the suburban vigilante, all too easily labelled a madman. Are the steeples in fact a metaphor for the local press ?

Nah, it’s probably just a line borrowed randomly from who knows where and, like John says, two very decent half-rhymes with “Beatles” and “Chapman”.

6 December 2010

Neil G

Not a PBR, I’m afraid, but a suggestion. I love singing along to HMHB songs, as everyone on here does, I’m sure. However, I would love to be able to play along on my guitar as well. The problem is that I am rubbish at working out which chords are being played. Would it be possible to set up a section for those who are thus gifted to give us the chords to some of the best songs ever written?

6 December 2010

Chris The Siteowner

Possibly, but it wouldn’t happen without the full approval of the band. However, others are already working on this, I believe. Watch this space, but don’t get your hopes up!

6 December 2010

Gregg Z

I live on the East Coast of the US, so it’s a bit more challenging to find HMHB references, but..

…last week, while driving to a meeting in the verdant wilds of Western New Jersey (about 1hr south of NYC), saw “CSI Group” (presumably a solicitors’ office). Five minutes down the road, “Ambleside” Garden and Nursery.

Spent the next hour of the drive looking for a sign reading “Asparagus, Next..uh..Right”

Cheers from the colonies..

6 December 2010

John Anderson

One of my friends has just posted this on Facebook:

Watching Skeleton on Eurosport. Really want to have a go at that!!

7 December 2010

Bobby String

@ Gregg Z – Know what you mean. Living here in South Africa PBR’s are an absolute bloody luxury so you have to take them when you can get them. For instance, I was recently driving round the outskirts of Pretoria and saw an advertising sign at the roadside that said “Pfaff”. I continued to scan the signs on the rest of my journey but failed to find Bats and Joseph-Antoine Bell I’m pretty sure there wasn’t an Arconada sign before the Pfaff one either.

Cheers from the former colonies!

Ô¿Ô

11 December 2010

Ricardo

I wonder whether Paul Konchesky’s dad has ever embarrassed him on YouTube.Facebook mum

17 December 2010

Charles Exford

Hodgson, Poulsen, Konchesky, Konchesky’s mum and all their clueless, charmless Facebook friends in a stretch limousine plunging headlong into a ravine.

Not that much to ask Santa, when there’s so much ice on the roads these days, is it ?

17 December 2010

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Photo on the front page of The Sunday Times yesterday showed a Bottleneck at Capel Curig, albeit one of sheep stuck in deep snow rather than of minis racing towards seaside caravans.

20 December 2010

toffo 78 huyton

Miseryrail really does stink of s##t!

20 December 2010

Paul F

“It wins by a short head from “Sealed Knot Society lets see you try and do this one/ Luton Town-Millwall 1985.””

And for me John – the only thing that beats this one, is “Coz you can’t get Teenage Eskimo in Wantage.”

When you search ‘Comrades wave as train heads to the Black Sea’ and up pops Betjeman’s ‘Matlock Bath’. (How ?)

And you realise it talks about jam.

If anyone knows Mrs Gibson, please put me out of my misery now.

23 December 2010

Mr Larrington

A a small Mr Larrington I knew a Mrs Gibson who utterly failed to teach me how to play the piano.

23 December 2010

Shirley Dimensions

Whilst emailing a friend of mine in relation to the Sex Pistols performance in Atlanta, Georgia, 05-01-78, I’ve just used the phrase ‘vinyl-flip gap crowd noise transition’. Should NB57 ever read this, please feel free to use this as a title for any future ‘bootleg obsessives’ track.

23 December 2010

Smoz

This year’s New Year Honours list seems to show nothing but total respect for Annie Lennox.

At number 89 in Classic FM’s Hall Of Fame, which was polled by listeners, is Spem in Alium Nunquam Habui by Thomas Tallis.

Expect to hear it at a wedding reception near you soon,

13 January 2011

BrumBiscuit

@ John Anderson

I think I’m right in saying I applauded.

14 January 2011

Gregg Z

My kids were invited to go to a friend’s birthday party at one of these indoor play areas that have become popular during frigid East Coast US winters, such as this one. These places feature all manner of gymnastic frivolity for the little ones, with a bit of cake at the end.

Well, as it happens, the birthday boy has come down with a touch of the flu, and all involved have been notified that the party is now postponed for 2 weeks, until the lad is feeling better.

I guess you could say, in a manner of speaking,
our evening of swing(s) has been cancelled.

14 January 2011

Bobby String

Had a very minor PBR tonight when eating dinner at one of our favourite local restaurants – they started playing the Buena Vista Social Club CD, though they didn’t have it on display. Of course, the fact that I recognised it instantly means I have to admit owning the CD and having played it many times. Don’t care how pretentious NB thinks it is, I love it!

Ô¿Ô

14 January 2011

David G

According to http://www.songkick.com, new gig, Leicester Auditorium on Thurs April 28. It doesn’t seem to have its own website, and agencies aren’t showing it yet.
Buzzcocks playing there next Saturday, tho’.

15 January 2011

dagenham dave

round a friends house at the weekend, they had been away at Xmas so the kids were opening some presents. Low and behold one was a Scalectrix set! I sat there beaming like an idiot, even more so when someone started discussing transformers.

15 January 2011

Bobby String

@ Dagenham Dave

I bet the transformers cost more than £3.10 these days though!

Ô¿Ô

15 January 2011

Bobby String

Just out of curiosity, I Googled ‘Scalextric transformer’. A wall mounted transformer for the standard bases is £15 and one for a Scalextric Digital base (whatever that is) is £37.99. Maybe next time they play it live he should sing “it cost fifteen quid” (“it cost thirty seven ninety nine” just doesn’t scan).

Ô¿Ô

16 January 2011

John Anderson

When I first saw HMHB at the Liverpool Garden Festival in 1986 (?) I’m sure he followed the “which cost £3.10″ line with something like “which was a lot of money in those days.”

16 January 2011

Mr Galbraith

On the weather tonight it mentioned that with all this rain about this weekend, the highest level was seen at Capel Curig. No mention of any bottlenecks though.

16 January 2011

Bobby String

No bottleneck but certainly little in the way of sunshine, it would seem

Ô¿Ô

17 January 2011

Bobby String

Another minor PBR happened yesterday on the birdwatching forum I subscribe to when one of our members thought he’d spotted a Sanderling (not very common here in Africa) at Kgomo Kgomo, but it turned out to be a Little Stint and it wasn’t dead…

Ô¿Ô

19 January 2011

willy one-mate

Coming home from work the other day on the 79 bus (not the 71) and overheard some fella whistling along to the tune down his Ipod, boppin’ his head back and forth like some extra from One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. I know that tune, I thought. And right on cue he uncontrollably belted out the words…Tim and Greg are not golden boys, they are in fact automotons…Needless to say i stood up and went…I’VE SEEN THE CHIPS AND WIRES…If only.

An idea for someone more industrious than I, and with a bit more computer acumen, to put into action. Perhaps we could do a vote to determine the favorite HMHB tune among the fine folks on this site. I was on the Fall website a while back, and they did a single-elimination tournament of every Fall song, seeding every tune (not sure how) and pitting one v. the other, having the punters vote for a favorite until one was left standing. I think it turned out to be “Wings”…

This would be great fun, and would yield some interesting matchups.. imagine the first round; “On Passing Lilac Urine” v. “P.R.S. Yearbook, Quick the Drawbridge”. The winner faces the victor of the match between “Totnes Bickering Fair” v. “Numanoid Hang-Glide”.

Anyone interested??

23 January 2011

Chris The Siteowner

Sounds like an idea. Leave it with me. Any suggestions as to the format, email me directly.

23 January 2011

Newfield Chris

I got off the train yesterday and had no bus fare so had to walk. On the way walked past a nu house built on a street called ‘Old School Lane’.

A PBR double whammy.

24 January 2011

Third Rate Les

Gregg Z

My mate Jeff Dreadnought and I played a similar game on the way up to the Bilston gig in the car. However, we let the Ipod do the selections so there was no seeding, and the aim was to find the best album, allowing each album to field whatever song came up for that round. Pre-tournament favourite Cammell Laird Social Club won, but only after surviving a scare when it sent “Stavanger Toestub” out to bat in what seemed an act of arrogant folly, only to win that round on some dodgy technicality.

They did a similar knockout on the Wedding Present forum too and it was quite entertaining and also quite surprising. I think Dalliance might have won that, but it’s a while ago.

25 January 2011

Third Rate Les

It’s Australia Day today.

And of course, every day, but today especially.

26 January 2011

Bobby String

If dreams concerning HMHB count as PBR’s then I had the ultimate PBR two nights ago!

In the dream I was sitting watching TV and a live HMHB gig was being broadcast. The camera panned to the audience to show them singing along with Nigel. Suddenly I was no longer watching on TV but was actually at the gig. After the last song, the band started packing up their gear and leaving the hall. All but Nigel had left the hall when I noticed one of those squeezebox type concertinas lying on the stage, which for some reason I referred to as an accordion. I picked it up and walked over to Nigel who seemed really tall, about 6 ‘6″ or so, and was wearing a really expensive looking grey three piece suit and smoking a big fat cigar. I said to him, in my best Michael Aspel voice “I never thought I’d get a chance to say this but…Nigel Blackwell, this is your accordion!” I expected him to be mildly impressed (in a Brad Friedel sort of way) or at least laugh, but he just looked down at me (I’m only 5′ 6″) and nodded towards a wooden pallet that all the band’s gear was on, indicating I should leave the accordion there. Then he walked away without a word. I was soooo disappointed!

So now the scene switches and I’m in jail and so is Nigel. He’s mopping floors and complaining that he shouldn’t have been assigned a job because he’s only there for a month (maybe he’d sent a dead Sanderling to Phil Cool). He was trying to think of a title for his new album and wanted to use the “Back In The…” format again but was struggling to find a way of abbreviating his current location to four letters. I suggested things like “Back In The J.A.I.L” or “Back In My C.E.L.L.” Thankfully I woke up at that point or I think he would have kicked my head in or something!

Does that count as a PBR? If not, feel free to delete it.

Ô¿Ô

26 January 2011

Neil G

“THIRD RATE LES
It’s Australia Day today.”

Ah, yes, but who won the cricket match today?

26 January 2011

Mr Larrington

I bought a new telly yesterday. After three and a quarter hours of rolling around on the floor, I switched it on and who is the first person to greet me?

Nick fucking Knowles, that who

27 January 2011

Bobby String

I was recently pointed in the direction of this link Jailbirds. I wonder if any of them have spotted a Marsh fritillary yet.

Also had another minor PBR yesterday when I drove past an establishment called Galbraith House. There was a high wall around the garden so I couldn’t see if there were any polytunnels full of competition onions, pitiful or otherwise.

Ô¿Ô

30 January 2011

John Anderson

Flicking through the Book Of Crap Towns, I notice that Yate and Bridgwater are side by side at numbers 45 and 44 respectively.

31 January 2011

Bobby String

I was watching Gordon Ramsay terrorising some crap American restaurant the other night and after he had refurbished the dining room the owner’s comment was “It looks so much bigger”.

I just picked an email off the printer, printed by a colleague. The email was from one ‘Laura Morgan’. I handed over the email and asked my colleague if said emailer cared for their feet.

7 February 2011

scotleag

I had sex with my wife last night and she said “You’re hard.”

8 February 2011

Colin

I had sex with your wife as well yesterday she said “It makes the room look bigger”

8 February 2011

Bobby String

If this is not the mother of all PBR’s then it’s at least a mate of the mother of all PBR’s.

Whilst channel hopping today I came across a documentary about James Dean’s ill-fated drive across California. I was feeling desperately disappointed when nobody would use the word ‘careless’ to describe his driving and feeling sure a PBR would not be forthcoming. Then, when re-tracing the route he took, they showed the roadside store that was the last place he stopped before setting off on the final leg of his journey. It was called….wait for it…cue ‘National Shite Day’ type drum roll… Blackwell’s Corner!

9 February 2011

Charles Exford

Top quality Biscuitry that, Bobby. I notice they offer 19 different types of Blackwell’s (Corner) jam as well as some cobblers. No wonder Deano was momentarily sidetracked from his fast living and dying young.

But missing a “top end preserves are the new rock’n’roll” -style marketing opportunity, well in fact missing umpteen such marketing opportunites, I’m gobsmacked that they don’t go for the likes of “Traffic jam”, “Car jam”, “Jim jam”, “Pearl jam” or even “Pearl and Dean jam”.

Not to mention of course “Wham bam thank you jam”, “Ram jam”, or even “Whoah! Black Betty’s bramble jam”.

9 February 2011

Bobby String

Cheers Exxo!

They also offer die-cast model cars..wonder if they sell, you know, THE car. Perhaps they sell a model Porsche Spyder that comes with a hammer so you can mash it into the final shape of Dean’s car – hours of fun for all the family! Maybe splash a dollop of jam on it for added authenticity.

Still disappointed they didn’t say he was a careless driver though…

Ô¿Ô

P.S. The programme was called Final Days Of An Icon or something like that and it was on Discovery World, if anybody’s interested.

Ah, don’t get me started on the hypocrisy of religions that fleece their flocks of millions while the hierarchy live a ife of luxury (which covers most mainstream organised religions)! Many years ago I worked in a hotel at Aberdeen Airport and the Archbishop Of Canterbury came to stay for a night. He was accommodated in the Presidential Suite at £110 per night. That might not sound a lot now, but this was around 1983 / 84 when £110 for a hotel room bought you a fair bit of luxury.

Ô¿Ô

10 February 2011

Third Rate Les

What, as opposed to non-mainstream organised religions, or mainstream disorganised religions?
I know a few Catholic priests, including some fairly senior ones, who would laugh ruefully at your idea of them living a life of luxury. I suppose it makes a change from incessant jibes about paedophiles, mind you.
Still, a nice merging of ovine metaphors there Bobby.

10 February 2011

Bobby String

Les, I suppose I should clarify here. When I referred to the “hierarchy” within a religion, I meant the very high ranking members as opposed to the rank and file. I realise, of course, that even the lowliest priest is part of that hierarchy, so I should have been more specific in my choice of words. I was referring to cardinals, bishops, archbishops etc.

However, your response illustrates the point perfectly. The priests you refer to don’t do what they do for the money, they do it for their beliefs and their desire to further the aims of their chosen religion. Surely the papal entourage could perform their duties just as well in a Travelodge as they can in a luxury hotel without the British taxpayer having to fork out anything?

I don’t have a problem with the fact that they get to stay in luxurious hotels with £150 a day expenses, it just seems wrong to me when the church they represent is reputed to have assests worth £30 billion, that the taxpayer has to foot any of the bill at all.

I should also make it clear that I never intended to offend anyone’s religious beliefs with my comments, I was merely expressing my personal opinion on the subject.

Ô¿Ô

11 February 2011

Dave (or I could be Mike)

A friend of mine just got a job in a certain Dutch town and has set up a blog to record his adventures. Being a man of taste, you can find it at http://www.ordinarytoenschede.org/

11 February 2011

dagenham dave

there I was having just finished drinking in Covent Garden when, like any right minded individual, I decided to listen to HMHB on my walk to Waterloo. iPod put on shuffle and off I went.

As I walked through Embankment tube what was Nigel singing? Only “I’ll be busking this at Embankment tube tomorrow”.

What are the chances of that?

Having had a quick look roughly 1 in 233.

12 February 2011

Gatecrasher

Why do i get the feeling that I’m gatecrashing a private party when i come onto this site?

13 February 2011

Frustrated Biscuitman

Okay Lads, enough with the weird, obscure choice of venues. I get it. You’re different, but for fux sake, just come to liverpool, will you.

Just watching a repeat of the 1975 cricket world cup on Sky, in which Vanburn Holder played. Sadly no sign of grindcore outfits, but it was quite refreshing to see batsman not wearing helmets and Roy Fredricks hooking Lillee for six only to fall on his stumps. Ah, nostalgia; although I was only one when it took place.

15 February 2011

Edward McCrae

Saw Neil Morrissey on Breakfast TV, this morning, promoting his new live show, largely a Q & A, inviting any questions from the audience. First gig 2nd March, in New Brighton. As this is only a short bus ride for Nigel, I expect him to be in the crowd , asking the obvious question, ‘Why are you a knobhead? ‘-mind you at £17 a ticket, perhaps not!

16 February 2011

BrumBiscuit

There “was little in the way of sunshine” on the weather forecast for tomorrow. At least he stuck to the facts.

In a letter to yesterday’s Times (no link, as The Times, they are a chargin’), a John Morris of Derby boasts of collecting the red rubber bands dropped on his doorstep by the postman. Disappointingly, he fails to furnish us with any information beyond this. Since the smoking ban, I have been seeking alternative uses.

23 February 2011

Craigleith

The new Radiohead album has provided me with numerous opportunities to tell people that this year they’ve been asked to turn off Blackpool lights.

23 February 2011

Alex Nolan

One for anyone who regularly watches North-West Tonight…On my bike ride today, I couldn’t get this image out of my head:

For what it’s worth, I find her unwavering smile, ridiculous shoes and tendency to co-opt vowels from various languages during her weather reports endearing, whilst my parents can’t stand her for the exact same reasons.

24 February 2011

Paul F

I watched Mastermind last week for the first time in years. I guess given the nature and volume of HMHB’s canon of work it is hardly surprising if there were a few PBRs in each show, but I was particularly pleased to have two of the answers being “Sylvia Plath” and “..is the light of an oncoming train.” Two PBRs from the same song certainly suggest a Biscuit-influenced question setter.

I was multi-tasking at the time (in grim defiance of my gender) so may have missed more, so I plan to review on iPlayer.

1 March 2011

Bobby String

Had a minor PBR this evening. I’m sad enough to watch Masterchef, a crime which could very well lead to me being banned from this site or at the very least severely laughed at. Anyway, on this episode when introducing one of the contestants they started with “Tim, a Shropshire lad…”

And in reference to the same song, I recently had a week-long PBR when I had flu and my head felt like sponge.

1 March 2011

Mr Larrington

The closing lines of “A Shropshire Lad” came up on “University Challenge” on Monday night. I knew it, or rather guessed it. The Penniless Student Oaves didn’t.

2 March 2011

Neil G

‘Oaves’?

2 March 2011

Ricardo

While logic dictates Mr Larrington can only be referring to Housman’s wistful poems, a part of me cannot help but imagine Jeremy Paxman speaking the lines, “Achtung, Edwardian lampoon; Oh no, my head feels like sponge.”

2 March 2011

Peter Gandy

Did anyone else notice that the Villa fans at tonight’s game, as they kept the ball and played head tennis, were surrounded by stewards from Showsec?

2 March 2011

Charles Exford

I did notice that, but felt that ‘PBR’ would be taking it a bit too far unless the oaves subsequently ended up in the care of the St. John’s volunteers.

By the way, does anyone know the words of the song City fans sing to the tune from the Kirk Douglas/Tony curtis film “The Vikings”? I loved that film when I were a nipper.

And on another huge tangent (but stillnot a PBR) I can vouch from recent personal experience that Tom the Villa fan who does the OTT chants for St. Pauli whenever HMHB play in the Midlands also chants the same HMHB song ad infinitum in St. Pauli, so at least he’s consistent.

2 March 2011

Ricardo

‘Oaves’?

2 March 2011

Peter Gandy

Well the plural of loaf is loaves.

English is a flexible language – I think Charles may have used it to annoy Neil who made the exact same post.

3 March 2011

Neil G

Peter,

And the plural of sheep is sheep, the plural of medium is media and the plural of oaf is oafs.

Simply because the language is flexible doesn’t mean you should take the piss.

3 March 2011

Mr Larrington

“Oafs” sounds both wrong and mad. I challenge those who object to a duel. Hampstead Heath at dawn next Tuesday (in church hall if wet). Name your weapon.

I name mine “Basil”.

3 March 2011

VILLAPETE

In the Afternoon Play on Radio 4 yesterday, which was about three former spies in an old peoples’ home, the characters were discussing rude place names. One of which was ‘Lord Hereford’s Knob’.

4 March 2011

Neil G

Mr Larrington,

The plural of thief is thieves but is the plural of chief ‘chieves’ or the plural of brief ‘brieves’? No. The plural of oaf is oafs, whether it sounds mad or wrong to you or not. To me it sounds perfect.

4 March 2011

John Burscough

Chambers Dictionary has the plural oafs or (rarely) oaves.

4 March 2011

Charles Exford

Which incidentally makes “oaves” is legal in Scrabble because of the inclusion in Chambers, official dictionary of UK Scrabble (if you have any sort of Scrabble computer/video game you should find it’s kosher there too).

Controversial I know, since I’m informed (but can’t check) that the OED’s last citation of “oaves” was 1858.

The funny thing is, I wasn’t using it as a word above, and certainly not intending to annoy, but was just referring to the old Villa hoolie acronym. West Ham had the ICF, Leeds the ICSC, and Villa had the OAVES (Old Aston Villa Express Steamers, better known as the Steamers for short).

4 March 2011

Gregg Z

Today is Pancake Day. Enjoy.
And wash ’em down with a glass of limeade.

8 March 2011

Sim

I was sat in the waiting room of the fracture clinic in my local hospital the other day when a nurse came up to me and asked “Is that your phone ringing?” to which I replied “No, it’s on the telly.”. I was very tempted to then chant “Let’s do the bongo-laced twenty-second album” but decided the men in white coats may have taken me away!

10 March 2011

Neil G

Steady on there, Sim.

10 March 2011

BrumBiscuit

Just noticed in the Leamington Observer, an august journal, that Jan Akkerman is playing there next month.

Phew, after that I’m knackered, man!

10 March 2011

Florida Biscuit

I’m an ex-pat aging punk who’s stumbled across your site. Playing a HMHB record over here to an audience gets about just about as much understanding as an episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo. The locals gave me the nickname “Biscuit” although it’s more of a reference to tea and …

11 March 2011

Neil G

A warmth was generated around Twickenham yesterday when a fox wandered onto the pitch shortly before the match between England and Scotland (I’m dirty great big Six Nations fan). No dogs were available, it seems.

14 March 2011

John Anderson

This is the opening to a review of the new Van Der Graaf Generator album on the Aural Delights website.

“A VDGG album with tracks on it less than 3 minutes long?

Heaven forfend!

This should irk the purists somewhat.”

14 March 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Was it a fox?

14 March 2011

Peter Gandy

Are you a hare?

15 March 2011

Bobby String

A nice little PBR during the cricket world cup when Mike Atherton, discussing the Decision Review System, said “There have been some bad reviews”. Was the third umpire Jeff Dreadnought by any chance?

Also, whilst driving up the west coast of South Africa from Capetown the other day, my GPS recommended “Continue to Birkenhead Drive”. Many places in the Western Cape are named after British towns but this is the first time I’ve seen Birkenhead get a mention.

15 March 2011

Norbert D

I was in the local shop earlier, and overheard an old lady ask the bloke on the counter “do you have soup in cartons?”

I managed to stifle a laugh… until she added “not in tins.”

This is the best thing that’s happened to me in weeks.

16 March 2011

Big Ricardo

Spinning my dial around the MW frequencies just now, I was alerted to the news that Gordon Giltrap’s latest tour is heading my way. Not strictly a PBR, until the next song played turned out to be by Eva Cassidy.

But really this post was just a shallow attempt to join the “big” boys.

19 March 2011

John Anderson

You should stop listening to Primark FM.

19 March 2011

BIG JIMMY NAIL

Is this where I come in?

19 March 2011

2 Chevrons

On NME Site, I’ve spotted a HMHB gig advertised at The Assembly, Leamington (Sept 15th). Playing there on May 25th is Marianne Faithfull. Wonder if she’s also doing the Warwick Arts Centre. Splendid.

“Former Arsenal and Scotland goalkeeper and TV presenter, Bob Wilson will be taking on the greatest challenge of his life this April. Bob will cycle more than 500 miles via every Premiership Club in England and Hampden Park in his homeland of Scotland.”

22 March 2011

celery

Fuckin’ ‘Ell! Fred Titmus has died…

23 March 2011

Sim

He had a good innings!! Name checked on the first album and batted on for another 25 years!!

23 March 2011

steve nicholls

wonder what St Peter will say when he turns up at the gates…?

(especially if there’s the inevitable asterisk)

To die on Budget day… I thought George Osborne could have knocked 10 pence off Lenor in tribute.

23 March 2011

Third Rate Les

Went to the sad but stirring occasion of Jeff Dreadnought’s dad’s funeral last week, which was just next to Bulbarrow Hill, which was indeed wonderful. And much better than Cuba.

Then drove up to see my folks, which involved not only driving past the beautiful sparkling waters of Bath in Avon, Stroud (but not too near), Yate, but also narrowly failed to make it past Parbold by 7:15. Not to mention at least two sets of two-chevrons-apart signs. And Stapeley Water Gardens (flaskless).

Mrs Les doesn’t even bother asking any more why I chortle and drift off into reverie whenever we drive past apparently dull road signs.

23 March 2011

Peter Gandy

7.30 this evening, I stepped out of the front door. Looking up – there was the Goodyear Airship flying over my head.

23 March 2011

Dave Cooper

Whilst coming through Birmingham Snow Hill the other day on the Kidderminster to Dorridge train I noticed that the Wrexham and Shrewsbury train on the other platform was named “A Shropshire Lad”. Now I know it wasn’t really named after the Biscuit song, but still…

28 March 2011

Petrovic

Amused to discover that two of our ISP’s servers are named Buckley and Iommi.

30 March 2011

Mr Larrington

I was reading Jo Nesbo’s “The Snowman” on the tube yesterday. In which, among the killin’s, the hero takes his sort-of- girlfriend’s son to see Slipknot. Moreover, I got on at Embankment.

The Garden of Eden, Paradise Lost, the Wailing Wall. All on “Bible’s Buried Secrets” the other day. Which I watched because it was interesting, dammit, and nothing to do with gorgeous pouting raven-haired puppy-smuggling presentatrix Dr Francesca Stavrakopoulou. No sirree.

31 March 2011

Bobby String

HMHB are wasted on the locals here in South Africa, they just don’t understand (like in Look Dad, No Tunes). So this evening my girlfriend’s daughter told us that one evening last week she and some colleagues had gone ten pin bowling. “Did you go after work?” I enquired. “Yes” she replied, at which point I started jumping up and down shouting “PBR, PBR!”. I tried to explain to her what a PBR is but, as with all HMHB references over here, it drew nought but a blank look. Still, I enjoyed it at least!

Good spot but the references to J Arthur, the five-knuckle shuffle and, most importantly, the dateline cause me to take this with a pinch of salt. Still, if Nigel sees it we might get an extra verse if he plays it at Shepherd’s Bush.

3 April 2011

Paul F

Apologies if this is already common knowledge amonst the Biscuit Cognoscenti but thanks to picking up a free copy of Sport magazine, I have just discovered that there really is a TV presenter called Sophie Horn.

4 April 2011

Neil G

I was watching, or rather listening to, some videos of Pete Price, the Radio City talk show host, on YouTube and I clicked on a couple of others about scousers. This one, of a scouser grandad, sent shivers down my spine. He sounds just like Leadbelly at the depot.

Don’t you just hate it when you just miss out on a PBR? It’s a bit like missing a penalty in injury time! I was making up a shopping list the other day and the first three items were: eggs, bread, cigs. Imagine my disappointment when I looked in the fridge and discovered we didn’t need any milk. I was tempted to buy some anyway, just to complete the set but I was deterred by the thought of having to explain it to my other half who, being South African, doesn’t understand what all this stuff is about.

Ô¿Ô

5 April 2011

paul f

The other day Mrs F was berating me for the fact we didn’t yet have any Olympic tickets. Replying to her “You’re in charge of Olympic tickets” with the all-too-obvious riposte of “I think you’ll find that’s Seb Coe” I inadvertently prompted my lurking mother-in-law to remind Mrs F of the time she was nearly knocked over by said smug arsehole “coming out of Boots”.

6 April 2011

Dave Wiggins

Mr Crossley himself wandered past me the other morning in Liverpool’s Dale Street quarter. I resisted the temptation to say “Ta Neil”, apropos of nothing, nor to suggest that he “let it happen”.

8 April 2011

TWO FAT FEET

I was asked if we stock egg slicers where I work today. Was thus sentenced to spend the rest of the day with 4AD3DCD on heavy rotation on Radio Brain.

8 April 2011

John Burscough

Tim Harford on Radio 4’s ‘More or Less’ this afternoon looked into the effects of sacking Fireman Dibble from the Trumpton fire brigade.He didn’t actually say unemployment’s spreading like pneumonia, but such was the gist.http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qshd
(8/4/11 @ 10.30)

8 April 2011

toffo 78 huyton

Dave, have a word with Uncle Geoff as to when the ‘new’ album’s out please. ta Dave.

8 April 2011

Peter PInguid

I had a wonderful PBR yesterday. I was in Paddy Power to put on my Grand National bet and as I approached the counter (£10 to win – Quinz), I heard a voice from one of the monitors say: “Monmore, hare’s running”. I had no idea before then the song referred to greyhound racing. Is that an omen?

9 April 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Peter, you really need to hunt out the Peel sessions (previously linked from both this site and Gez’s). Your experience was enjoyed in an identical fashion by NB57 several years ago, thus becoming the inspiration for the song. Peel recalls a phone conversation where Nigel explains this to him.

I wonder does this herald a new sub-category of PBRs – In the spirit of Gus Fraser’s understanding of the inspiration of FHIFT, and drawing tentatively on Nietzsche’s theory of eternal recurrence, events lived in an identical fashion to choice lyrics.

For example; I’ve been strolling down my favourite lane and find that I can no longer do so without singing Tyrolean Knockabout. What’s more, prior to buying CLSC I didn’t even realize that I had a favourite lane.

9 April 2011

Charles Exford

@Toffo. Three weeks ago NB57 told me that work on the album had been very gradual, but that it was coming along and should be completed by the end of April, which would normally mean that actual copies would be ready to go out in June. He said that if it wasn’t quite fully on sale by the time of the London gig then he thought Geoff would somehow manage to make copies available there anyway (I seem to remember that the same thing happened with Achtung Bono in July ’05, but at the first gig when it was on Geoff’s table in Leeds a lot of people who would have loved a copy never even knew it was there ‘cos Nigel never even mentioned it).

I didn’t ask any more details ‘cos I don’t want to spoil any surprises.

I do know that it is set to be the greatest album ever recorded in my own native borough of Wallasey, but is surely unlikely to be titled “New Brighton Rock”.

10 April 2011

Charles Exford

@Vendor. Ha yes, thanks for reminding us of that classic Peel show moment about 14-15 years ago. I remember being incredulous that Peel had never spent enough time in betting shops to hear the refrain himself, and I would have e-mailed or texted in about it myself … if it hadn’t been in the days before e-mails and texts to radio DJs. I was suitably gobsmacked and delighted when Peel said NB57 himself had rung in.

The reason it’s the refrain of this gloriously joyous song about frustration, dashed hopes, bitterness and wasted potential is surely that it’s not just some random line you might hear in the betting shop, but it’s just about the most _often_ repeated line on the “radio” in _all_ betting shops. I could do this, I could do that, but here I am in William Hills, trying to cover me horse-racing losses with another doomed bet on the dogs. Very poignant indeed for me at the moment after a bit of a hammering over all three days of Aintree, trying to claw back some of me losses tonight on random football from four different countries.

Maybe we _could_ have some sort of references facility on here, Chris? Personally I think literary-style footnote links would be brilliant. We could acknowledge the ones Gez already has, expand on those and add more.

I’ve benefited from plenty of Gez’s footnotes meself, especially anything about people off the telly, but most spectacularly about ten years ago when I’d previously thought Lark Descending was about “Mansfield’s very own Steve Harkness”. Obvious when you know, but I’d been living overseas when Steve Malkmus was famous. I also love it when people post stuff like “I used to think it was ‘dogs in soap operas’ “, because (i) so did I at first, and (ii) it just shows how much we all needed this site.

But occasionally you get posts which show some newer Biscuiteers would be grateful for links to the obvious and maybe less obvious references for each song.

10 April 2011

Toffo

Cheers Churly/Charles/Exxo.

The album won’t be called after a cheesy mid 80s pop event, one which my ex-girlfriend attended. Amazingly, it got televised and thinking back, it was awful.
Think NB57 will come up with a title of a more pious nature if he has had the good book out again. Fascinating times indeed…..

10 April 2011

Dave Wiggins

Thursday’s Liverpool Echo had an interview with, one, ‘Dennis Bell’. Sadly, he was a gentleman barber, although it is not beyond the realms that he may once have lived in Torquay and dabbled in Yahoo Chess.

11 April 2011

Chris B

Just found this site for the first time tonight while Buzzcocks was on the telly. The guest line up question was ‘Which one of these was the singer in the Goombay Dance Band?’ and Phil Jupitus’ team spotted that Alan Brazil was at no 3.
And now you want to put me in the ambulance.

11 April 2011

Dave Wiggins

My associate, Kenny, spotted Frank Worthington in Manchester only last week. Incredibly, ‘Worthy’ was browsing around a hardware store, but Kenny was more incredulous that the flamboyant-failed-to-sign-for-Liverpool-in-somewhat-murky-circumstances ex-England striker was sporting a stetson hat. I was disappointed that Kenny didn’t ask him whether he was suprised that Bobby Svarc had rejected new Layer terms, all those years ago.

12 April 2011

Dave Wiggins

An oldie, but please tell me I didn’t dream that TV nurse – off of ‘Holby City’ or similar – moaning on some Saturday morning kids’ programme about the lack of Half Man Half Biscuit records in her local store. This was around the time of ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Road’, as I recall.

12 April 2011

Neil G

I was looking at Amazon today – the online retailer, not the river – and I thought I’d do a search for Half Man Half Biscuit under Books. Several pages came up of books that had HMHB in them. One of them was called My Baby Got The Yipps. Due acknowledgement is given by the author for the title. Has anyone on here read it?

12 April 2011

Peter Gandy

Neil,

I took it out of the library a couple of years ago and found it quite interesting. Apparently the sure fire way to a perfect golf swing lies in making sure your belt buckle points at the target at the end of the swing. Why did nobody tell that to Rory McIlroy?

There was a chapter on the best golfer that nobody had ever heard of that I enjoyed – so much so that I now still can’t remember his name. Monty Norman?

12 April 2011

‘Orses

I’m a paediatric nurse and with alarming frequency I mutter ‘Is your child hyperactive, or is he perhaps a twat?’ under my breath….

14 April 2011

Biscuit Madness

I’ve just switched the kitchen light off with my chin, whilst holding tea and toast.

At a recent family wedding in Capetown, the pastor who performed the ceremony was called Darren. OK, not quite a lollipop man but when I were a lad, church ministers were called things like George or Alfred or Thomas, so I feel this is a step in the right direction towards lollipop men named Darren.

Second one: My other half and I were watching telly the other day when a trailer for Top Gear came on and she said “That’s a nice programme to watch, not just for people who are into cars and stuff”. OK, she didn’t use the word “petrolheads” and it wasn’t channel Dave cos we don’t get that here, but they all count!

Ô¿Ô

23 April 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Today I erected a gazebo, which proved in its way to be sufficiently evil to merit its inclusion here. Disappointingly, even though it was 1/3 off it was still £66.66 from Argos.

23 April 2011

TWO FAT FEET

And my wife just said it makes the garden look bigger (head slumps on desk)

23 April 2011

Bobby String

Good point TFF. We have a gazebo in our garden and the fabric cover needed replacing due to exposure to our famous Highveld thunderstorms and the arses of a multitude of crows, sparrows and other avian anuses. The company that made the gazebo went bust so we can no longer get the replacement covers. We had to have one custom made and it turned out to be a load of shite, so we now just paid a professional upholsterer a ridiculous amount of money to make one that fits properly and dosen’t fall apart if you so much as look at it the wrong way.

So whither the evil, you might well ask. Put simply, all gazebos for sale here in South Africa are now imported from China, nobody makes them here any more, and they come flat-packed in a box with one measly cover. So eventually everyone will posses a lovely gazebo frame with a tatty, ripped and discoloured cover full of bird shite. The world will then be forced to go begging, cap in hand, to China for replacement covers and the Chinese will become so wealthy that they’ll rule the world for ever and ever. Or not, as the case may be.

BTW, ours makes our already tiny garden look smaller!

Ô¿Ô

24 April 2011

chedgzoy

I had reason to purchase a ‘lanyard’ for my daughter over the weekend – had no idea what one was until then. Sadly she didn’t have a triple A to dangle from it, nor was she wearing Hi-viz.

25 April 2011

Chris the Siteowner

To avoid confusion, the band may well have to re-name themselves Half Man Half Biscuit (UK) or something like that, judging by this.

26 April 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Could they be the real It Ain’t Half Man, Mum?

26 April 2011

Paul F

I finally got round to watching “Control” this weekend. It’s hard to give the subject matter the serious thought it deserves when Rob Gretton is calling for Alan from Crispy Ambulance to take Ian Curtis’s place on stage. Presumably Joy Division having gone on after Crispy Ambulance.

26 April 2011

Chesney Wold

A blistering camping weekend near the M20 was only slightly spoiled by clever Kentish PBR-avoidance farmers using ‘Asparagus First Left’ the blighters. Was nice barbecued too.

26 April 2011

Dave Wiggins

The final of the Liverpool Comedy Festival ‘Funny Business’ competition (for new comedians) was notable for the eventual winner sporting an ‘Achtung Bono’ tee-shirt. If you YouTube ‘Royal Court Funny Business’, you can see for yourself. And he was mildly amusing, to boot, if you can dissect the scouseness of the material.

1 May 2011

John Anderson

I was standing outside a restaurant yesterday reading the menu in the window, and was tempted to ring up the owner and say “that’s not how I would spell linguini.”

3 May 2011

Charles Exford

I’ve had stickers made saying “this is not how I would spell the plural of panino and if you’re going to anglicise it surely it should be paninoes.”

Catchy, eh ?

3 May 2011

TWO FAT FEET

I guess this must be National Shite Day (literally) judging from the, erm, ‘productive’ day my three children have had. As the day’s nappy count trundled into double figures, Cheese FM started playing Dean Friedman.

5 May 2011

Alf Man, Alf Biscuit

I’ve just seen a Ha-why-in shirt…as the shop’s sign called it. Can you imagine how tempted i was to whip out me little green betting shop pen.

6 May 2011

swanaldo

My eldest son starts school this year. I learned today that his headmaster is called Gary.

All I could think was ‘not long now until lollipop men are called Darren.’ Needless to say I have been humming ‘not long now until headmasters are called Gary’ ever since.

7 May 2011

Mr Galbraith

Does anyone else tune into the new ITV Sunday night detective series ‘Vera’ in the (vain) hope that someone might shoot Brenda Blethyn in the opening minutes?

8 May 2011

Jitsu_g

Or indeed re runs of Outside Edge.

8 May 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Apparently BBC4 start showing a new sitcom on Monday night about 24 Hour Garage People from Iceland. That’s the northern European country, not the popular downmarket grocery store, who probably don’t have many 24 hour petrol garages across the estate.

8 May 2011

John Anderson

I was in a charity shop this morning and overheard an old man complaining that the jacket he was trying on didn’t have an inside pocket.

9 May 2011

TWO FAT FEET

I have just booked a holiday in Snowdonia. I’m sure Nigel would approve. I am thus aware of the potential for a week of PBRs, I have already identified the potential for a Bottleneck At Capel Curig on the way there, plus the cottage has an Aga which I don’t know how to use.

I’ll bring you more developments as they emerge.

10 May 2011

swanaldo

My eldest son starts school this year. We recently got a welcome letter from the local primary’s headteacher, Mr Gary Read.

Needless to say I spent the whole day humming ‘Not long now until headteachers are called Gary’.

10 May 2011

swanaldo

Sorry, I posted the above comment twice. I may have been drinking at the time.

11 May 2011

dagenham dave

got a puncture at 2 in the morning driving home from work. I wish I’d had a torch in the back of the car.

Have you seen my new conservatory?

12 May 2011

Lee’s Twenty First

Stewart Goddard (aka Adam Ant) today on an interview I heard on the BBC World Service, talking about the night he was arrested for threatening people in a London pub:

Two PBR’s on a single episode of NUMB3RS on Universal Channel last night.

The FBI were after three guys who had broken out of prison using a rope ladder made from 127 rolls of dental floss! Although various numbers were bandied about (as you’d expect, given the name of the show), sadly 27 yards wasn’t one of them so I settled for the 127 rolls, which at least has 27 in it.

Then later, Eppes senior saw an FBI agent taking a machine gun out of the boot of his car and remarked “All I have in my trunk is a rope and a flashlight”.

Ô¿Ô

16 May 2011

chedgzoy

Had a job interview yesterday, which involved a spelling test. Predictably, one of the words I was asked to spell was ‘WEIRD.’ The fact that I spelt it correctly probably accounts for the fact that I don’t have thousands in the bank.

18 May 2011

DARREN

That’s wierd, I reply, as I wipe my arse with another twenty pound note.

20 May 2011

Dave (Or I Could Be Mike)

Was anyone else disappointed that no swarthy centre-halfs were dismissed during last week’s Europa League final between 2 Portuguese teams?

22 May 2011

The King Of Welsh Goth

May morning and I’m thinking that maybe Blackpool (what with their goals galore) are mathematically safe.

22 May 2011

Slough Of Despond

I’ve just discovered that the Offy by us was screwed last night. My instinctive reaction was to get on the internet and find out the whereabouts of Stromsgodset Under 5’s.

22 May 2011

Mr Larrington

I spent much of the weekend watching Scorsese’s Dylan biopic “No Direction Home”, followed by the three-parter “Folk America”. The number of things in these which reminded me of HMHB was quite large. There was even a brief clip of Webb Pierce doing the first verse of “There Stands The Glass”.

23 May 2011

Third Rate Les

I was in a meeting today where someone used the sentence “he’s talking to Ian Brodie”. (an unrelated Ian Brodie, I assume, unless times in the music industry have got really tough).

Rest of the meeting spent in a cheerful, unproductive reverie about dotcom sitcoms which must have been a bit unsettling for everyone else.

26 May 2011

Bobby String

Just realised that Chris The Siteowner is having a prolonged PBR as, by instigating the Lux Familiar Cup, he is currently among the ranks of ‘Poor sods conducting polls’. 😆

Ô¿Ô

26 May 2011

Chris The Siteowner

And if you’d been in my house this afternoon, you’d briefly have had the chance to see a Fat Kid With A Sausage Roll (me, by the way).

While I’m here, can I point out this is the 500th comment on this page? I really should split it into multiple pages.

We went with the HMHB tune first (about 5 minutes shorter, eh?), and before long, all parties involved were satisfied.

This isn’t really a PBR, but rather, a sign that I’m raising my kids correctly.

27 May 2011

Paul F

Last night in the car, channel hopping on the radio, I caught Jo Wiley asking the question “I believe you’ve been working with Bernard Butler”. Sadly she wasn’t addressing this to Nigel, but (more believably) to the remnants of Suede.

27 May 2011

John Anderson

As I walked out of waterloo Station the other day, I saw a man whose apparel suggested he was dressed as a dandy in practice for the Summer Eights

27 May 2011

Third Rate Les

That’s good work, Gregg Z. Musical indoctrination is an important part of fatherhood.
My daugher ran up to me when she was 2 (10 years ago) when I got back from work demanding to hear “The Apple Pie Song” (by the Wedding Present) and before she had her tonsils out was eerily good at a sort of throaty “Eat Yerself Fitter” background grumble. She’s more into Paramore and Avril Lavigne these days, but it could be a lot worse.

Am bringing my boys along to Shepherd’s Bush and there won’t be any HMHB songs they haven’t heard dozens of times before. Just noticed that The Fall are playing (well, are scheduled to play – who knows what might happen?) next week and it’s half term too. Hmmm…

Back in my college days, I was all HMHB and my mate was all Wedding Present – we’d spend hours on end in the refectory trying to convince each other that one band was better than t’other. My pencil ran out of lead after two albums (and apparently no more) and I followed him down the ‘Weddoes’ route of greatness. Awesome band.

I haven’t seen that mate since the 1990 Reading Festival (Wedding Present, Inspirals, Billy Bragg et al). He always was the smart one of us – he went on to study Law at Cambridge. Me? I’m still on the lookout for a proper transformer. Ugh-er!

27 May 2011

John Burscough

Double PBR whilst driving on the M62 over the Pennines to Manchester on Saturday afternoon: just as I was keeping 2 chevrons apart I heard Viv Albertine of The Slits on Radio 4’s ‘The Music Group’ comparing Patti Smith with “70s girlie singers” such as Mary Hopkins. She must despair.

30 May 2011

Mr Larrington

There’s a Thing from the office caterers on top of the coffee machine, extolling the virtues of asparagus. I may avoid breakfast tomorrow.

2 June 2011

Jeff Dreadnought

I see the mightly Lilywhites have just signed tall, balding goalkeeper Brad Friedel on a free. As a Spurs fan, I’m not exactly turning cartwheels at the news. But I am mildly impressed.

3 June 2011

John Anderson

There are three Stromsgodset Under 21s in the Norway squad to face England at St Mary’s tomorrow. Local offy owners beware.

4 June 2011

Kendo Nagasaki

Surprised this hasn’t been mentioned but every night North West Tonight is a double PBR – Gordon Burns, obviously, from Joy Division Oven Gloves, and Ranvir Singh, from Blood On The Quad played live in Manchester (and perhaps elsewhere), replacing Talvin Singh…

6 June 2011

Mal Practice

Not been mentioned I suppose ‘cos it isn’t really a PBR. It’s just a case of Nigel having referred to two people off North West Tonight. It would be a PBR if you just saw Ranvir singing whilst Gordon accompanied him on the fiddle. Or if a mate of yours who’s a fireman had to put out a fire in Gordon’s kitchen. That sort of thing.

Having said that, half of the posts in this thread aren’t really PBRs. “I just saw some darts in a soap opera”. Congratulations – you’ve realised that Nigel isn’t just making it all up – he sometimes sings about some things that sometimes actually occur. Likewise in non-telly life, if you just passed a sign that said ‘Asparagus Next Left’. It’s not a PBR. Tell us about the dastardly dealings you encountered down that particular dirt track and then it becomes a PBR.

Not got any myself of course.

6 June 2011

Mr Larrington

Neil Morrissey was on “The Motorbike Show” the other night and yes, he was being a knobhead.

8 June 2011

Steve Malkmoose

A friend of mine announced on Facebook that tomorrow he is going to see a triple bill in Manchester of Styx/Journey/Foreigner! Two for the price of one!

(I don’t think the Biscuits have included Foreigner in a song but feel free to correct me)

About 5 years ago Foreigner often used to feature at gigs on Nigel’s cassette player on a mix tape depicting the musical tastes of the Shell employee, along with Air Supply, ZZ Top, etc. I seem to remember shouting for Kansas to be included on the compilation.

9 June 2011

Steve Malkmoose

Exxo

I suppose that counts then (sort of)

11 June 2011

TEA FOR TOXTETH

I’ve just lived out the lyrics of “Soft Verges” while walking down the road by ours. I was heading home when I spotted a face from the past. One of those faces who you’re not quite sure to let-on to or not. I was gonna have to put into operation that tricky manouevre that was “acknowledgement without breaking stride.” Praise be he didn’t have a brother called Steve and didn’t drink down The Swan. I just can’t be doin’ with stop-and-chats.

12 June 2011

Chris Quinn

A mate of mine is a DJ on a community radio station in Manchester. Every week he posts a topic on his Facebook page and asks for song suggestions. I have never not managed to find a HMHB song to fit the ill, but the bugger has yet to play any of them!

14 June 2011

Snooker Ref

While attending an event at a social club in Rollestone-on-Dove in Derbyshire, I was looking at the honours board in the snooker room. On the list of previous winners of the individual championship I noticed the name of a certain Ganley, L. On the assumption that it was the great man I immediately assumed the stance!

Checking later on Wikipedia I found that Len had indeed moved to Derbyshire with his family many years earlier.

14 June 2011

Piston Skint

Upon spotting the “Footsteps” parable among a rack of those dreary wall mounted “Motivational Statement” plaques in a department store in Ireland a few years back, trying to explain while unsuccessfully stifling uncontrollable laughter to the devoutly Roman Catholic mother of my girlfriend of the time, where JC REALLY was when the disciple only saw one pair of footsteps in the sand.

We split up soon after…….

20 June 2011

chedgzoy

I walked across the forecourt of a fire station today.

Message ends

20 June 2011

Colin

As part of my job i had to speak to Brad Friedel last week i have to say i was mildly impressed.

21 June 2011

gillespie

I’m about to go to Glastonbury, so I am prepared for PBRs aplenty when cursed souls use the abbreviated form of the name.

A true test of the faith awaits, I shall not yield

21 June 2011

Charles Exford

A point I’ve made before on here, I know, but that doesn’t usually stop me. Surely the song condemns only those who call it “Glasto” even though they’ve (i) never been and (ii) are snobbish about those for whom the festival was originally intended, i.e. hippies.

The song in my view makes no comment about anyone else who calls it”Glasto”.

21 June 2011

Jeff Dreadnought

I see London Wasps are about to appoint Dai Young as their new Director of Rugby. Just thought I’d mention it.

22 June 2011

Ally J

Seeing Dave Wiggins’ comment way up on the list about ‘the Ombudsman’ gave me a start, because I work for the Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman.

That said, given the context of ‘cafe bars, idiots and pigeons’, I suspect the Ombudsman needed would be the Local Government Ombudsman – who’s nine floors down from us in Millbank Tower.

But, ah, we do what we can.

23 June 2011

Ally J

Actually, the reason I came here was to say that the Parliamentary and Health Service Ombudsman football team is called ‘Dukla’. So, not only does HMHB reference the Ombudsman, so the Ombudsman references HMHB.

(Ann Abraham doesn’t play herself, you understand, but is a very keen football fan.)

23 June 2011

big boned

few days ago one of (scottish) volleyball’s top referees was a contestant on bargain hunt.
does that count.

26 June 2011

Dave Wiggins

Ally J; a colleague and I were discussing (as only Civil Servants can) possible names for bands that related to our job. Your very own ‘Principles of Good Administration’ was suggested as having a prog-rock vibe (despite – I would hastily add – its content being wholly contemporary and a major aide to complaint-handling across Government).

28 June 2011

Norbert D

On Facebook today, one of my friends was selling her bike: a Pashley with a basket.

29 June 2011

BrumBiscuit

Not exactly a PBR, but something I discovered by linking indirectly from one of the links above:

Showaddywaddy are playing the Assembly in Leamington and are commanding an entry price of £1 more than HMHB. I know there’s a lot of them, but still!

2 July 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Maybe you’re paying the extra quid for the right to hear a number one single being performed?

Just remembered a PBR I had a couple of weeks when reading Robert Rankin’s excellent novel The Brentford Chainstore Massacre. One of the characters say to another “Somebody set fire to your shed”. You had to feel sorry for the guy because he definitely didn’t work in an all night garage with Talk Radio on.

Ô¿Ô

5 July 2011

John Anderson

Not really a PBR but I was interested to learn that the late actress Anna Massey was the grand-daughter of the man who founded Massey-Ferguson.

5 July 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Was it Mr Massey or Mr Ferguson?

5 July 2011

Third Rate Les

There was a nice Harry Quinn (with Sturmey Archer gears) in the train last night. Sadly it was a bit too dark red to really get anywhere near lilac. Ah well. I got some pictures anyway, to the bemusement of its owner and everyone else in the train.

It did look a lot like that.
That one looks more like Campagnolo gears though….

6 July 2011

BrumBiscuit

Campagnolo Super Record to be precise.

8 July 2011

Bobby String

Robert Rankin comes up trumps again with a nice little PBR. In ‘The Suburban Book Of The Dead (Armageddon III – The Remake)’ there’s a snippet of conversation between a private detective called Lazlo Woodbine and a time-travelling Brussels sprout called Barry that goes thus:

‘See a little light at the end of the tunnel, Barry?’
‘Could be a train coming, Chief’.

Ô¿Ô

10 July 2011

Dave F.

Listening to Radcliffe & Maconie on 6music (if it’s a music station, why is there so much news?) on the 6th. They had an interview with Brian Eno.

Someone emailed to mention a club night in Leeds called ‘We know Eno’. Not exactly a copy of the lyrics, but surely an oblique reference to Eno Collaboration?

Dave F – as I’m in permanent exile here in Leeds I was curious to follow up your post, so checked out the Leeds Music Forum and found that the monthly ‘We Know Eno’ night promised to open with Bri’s ‘New Boots and Panties’ album in its entirety, assuring us that after two live bands the punters could then enjoy “top records from the likes of: Talking Heads/Captain Beefheart/Gil Scott Heron/Weezer/Pulled Apart by Horses/Patti Smith/Local Natives/Lee ‘scratch’ Perry/the Fall/eels/Bikini Kill/ Flaming Lips/Outkast/_HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT_/xtc/Divine Comedy/Pavement/etc.”
Which would all scan quite well to the Agadoo tune, if it wasn’t for those pesky Pulled Apart by Horses.

12 July 2011

Robin Yachts

Saw Richard Westcott on BBC Breakfast this morning in the butterfly section of the Natural History Museum and one had landed on him. Was I alone in thinking “he didn’t choose his butterfly, his butterfly chose him”?

No news on the website yet though…..

He even mentioned fritillaries in his report. Not marsh ones, but two in one report would have been asking a bit much.

13 July 2011

Dave F.

… and on last Friday’s Radcliffe & Maconie, a ‘phone in contestant called Alan said that he is a music PR in Mayfair who’s clients include HMHB.

What surprises me is that they have a PR down South; well any kind of PR at all. I thought it was all done from the back of the Probe Plus shop by Geoff.

13 July 2011

Jeff Dreadnought

From p35 of today’s Times:
A Very Grave Mix-Up
New York
Two sisters are seeking $25 million for emotional distress from a New Jersey cemetery after discovering that their mother’s grave, which they had visited for two decades, held the remains of a stranger. The cemetery declined to comment.

Since I don’t get many PBR’s I’ve taken to throwing random HMHB lyrics into conversations and forum posts. Today I managed to get two into one post. We were discussing impulse buying at supermarkets and I mentioned that my other half is the ultimate impulse buyer. I typed thus:

“Re: the half empty trolley – I live with the world champion impulse shopper. If I go in with a list of ‘eggs, bread, cigs, milk’ I come out with eggs, bread, cigs, milk (though no longer the cigs as she quit six weeks ago and is still going strong!). Mariana would come out with eggs, bread, chocolate, cheese grater, milk, biscuits shaped like radios, ice-pick, fresh broad beans and aubergines….”

Anybody else taken up this fun and exciting new sport?

Ô¿Ô

30 July 2011

Dave Wiggins

My daughter was recently working with the offspring of a well-known 80’s chanteuse. Miss W’s colleague was one, Tali Lennox. When I advised my firstborn that I had nothing but total respect for Tali’s mother, I was, of course, met with a blank look and a teenage ‘dad’s a knob’ shake of the head.

30 July 2011

Bobby String

There’s a recurring PBR going on over here in South Africa at the moment on Universal Channel (maybe in other countries where they get Universal too). They show a trailer for their comedy shows which is voiced over by a continuity announcer and as if that wasn’t enough, there’s a banner running across the bottom of the screen that reads “Breaking News”.

Ô¿Ô

31 July 2011

Rubber Faced Irritant

Tweet by David Hepworth this afternoon (he of The Word magazine):
“Just been on a bus. Passengers knew where the bus should go. Driver didn’t.” Let’s hope they didn’t end up on Bridge Street.

1 August 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Daughter’s third birthday. Never mind the presents, instead of singing Happy Birthday we might as well just sing Give Us Bubblewrap.

Not a particularly good PBR by the official definition, but so funny I had to share it.

Chris Evans this morning quoted Black Sabbath’s “Tony Lommi”.

17 August 2011

Chesneywold

Who’s this Mal practice above? He’s got my goat with his ‘Having said that, half of the posts in this thread aren’t really PBRs. “I just saw some darts in a soap opera”. Congratulations – you’ve realised that Nigel isn’t just making it all up – he sometimes sings about some things that sometimes actually occur. Likewise in non-telly life, if you just passed a sign that said ‘Asparagus Next Left’. It’s not a PBR. Tell us about the dastardly dealings you encountered down that particular dirt track and then it becomes a PBR.’

Here’s the opening to this section

‘You know those moments when something happens and it immediately brings to mind a Half Man Half Biscuit lyric?’

an example of which, though a bad example, is given by chris at the end of this introductory paragraph, ‘Particularly good ones would be two or three references occurring together in majestic harmony, rather than “I sat behind a Chinese student on the number three bus the other day and he was carrying a Ken Hom Wok Set” ‘

see that would not be a particularly good one, but it still is one, as a PBR is just a reference, strong or weak.

Anyway glad that Mal’s injunction was roundly ignored and things continued in the same vein. (And yes i was annoyed just because i had mentioned an asparagus sign in an earlier posting, but really, it’s the principle!)

17 August 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Well, in a very real sense I think that maybe Mal and Ches are both right. I simply cannot drive over road chevrons without mumbling ‘All of our songs sound the same’ to myself, but I wouldn’t dream of reporting it here as a PBR. (Whoops.) Likewise I am in more danger of Mrs Vendor breaking my arm the next time we see some swans, than from the swans themselves. The last time it happened the threat “Just don’t bloody say it” was sufficient to silence me. (But I still thought it – you can silence my voice, but you cannot silence my mind, woman.) Is this a PBR or not? The point is that little episodes which bring song lyrics to mind happen all the time. Why not report them here if it so pleases you? However the ‘I’ve just stopped at Tebay’ post is hardly worth making, unless you are in the company of a lady of a certain name. So what to do?

Which brings me onto my point. Yes there is one which might keep both Mal and Ches happy. Why not introduce a PBR scale similar to the little chilli symbols used to differentiate curries for those unsure of their relative strengths. One chilli for a Korma, three for a Dhansak, five for a Vindaloo, only with biscuits rather than chillis, obviously. It’s food for thought, and who knows, it might allow Ches to get his goat back.

17 August 2011

Slim_Sheedy

Not sure if this is the most conventional Lollipop Man, but he’s definately called Darren

I concur Vendorof. Be nice to separate the wheat-based PBRs (Hobnobs?) from the chaff (Marie?).

I understand the frustration as a real beaut (i.e….er i just looked but couldn’t find one) is much better than a bog-standard mention of a mentioned (i.e. pretty much all of them), but i just didn’t like the dogma.

Goat safely back on the hearth.

22 August 2011

TEA FOR TOXTETH

Just treated myself to a new 50 inch telly and when I got it home on Saturday evening and set it up, I turned it on, and to my sheer horror, who was I faced with? Nick Fuckin’ Knowles. Needless to say, I’m taking it back on Tuesday and gonna demand my money back. Now where’s that wireless, me Grandad gave me!

29 August 2011

Shirt Man

There is a band playing in a Northampton pub on Saturday going by the name of The Rollright Stones. Is this a reference to HMHB or are these the mentioned band in 24 Hour Garage People?

Thanks for that Quack Nostrum Vendor, I should have checked the references on the official site before posting! I was assuming some kind of Rolling Stones tribute!

30 August 2011

Chris The Siteowner

It occurred to me that people who think that Gez’s site is “the official site” must also think that the band are weird enough to post online explanations of all the references in their lyrics. Not Gez’s fault, but maybe for the band’s sake he should add a disclaimer.

31 August 2011

John Anderson

I’m just compiling a stat sheet on Montenegro and for Stevan Jovetic have put “hair like Brian May.”

31 August 2011

TWO FAT FEET

I bet you had to double-check your spelling on ‘weird’ before posting, Chris …

31 August 2011

TWO FAT FEET

Okay, this REALLY isn’t a PBR by any description that I can think of, but I can’t find an appropriate page on which to post. Does anybody else find that this site sometimes seems to be stuck in a timewarp on July 7th? When it first happened I thought nobody was posting anything for a week, then it corrected itself but since then it has reverted back to how it was on July 7th for a while every few days. Since nobody else has mentioned it I guess I’m alone, but I don’t get any such problems with any other site.

On a brighter note, I did at least manage to work around ProbePlus’s ordering page and place an order successfully, despite managing on the way to fill three different baskets which I couldn’t then empty.

1 September 2011

Chris The Siteowner

Nobody else has reported that, Two Fat Feet, I’m sure it must be some sort of caching issue with either your PC or your ISP. But if anyone else has a similar problem, or any other problem come to think of it, do email me and let me know.

2 September 2011

Neil G

I had the same problem. The post that was at the top was something about a missing ellipsis. I thought it was just my computer.

2 September 2011

Norbert D

Friend just posted on Facebook that he just saw the Good Year airship over his office. Was tempted to tell him the joke about badminton courts in the jungle, but decided against it.

2 September 2011

TWO FAT FEET

That’s the one Neil G. I feel better for that.

2 September 2011

S.G.D A SHROPSHIRE LAD

I have had the same problem, sometimes it would be up to date and other times it would go back to the beginning of July.

Haha, after spelling out my own laugh I notice that on the Bland one’s sporting & showbiz autographs website there is regrettably no Tindersticks memorabilia for sale, despite their forthcoming and clearly much-anticipated appearance in the area. But there is a Hamilton Bland memorabilia swimming pool (or at least a signed photo of Michael Phelps in a pool), as well as a signed photo of someone in a Brazilian number ten shirt and diverse Sting, U2, etc items amongst other attempts to cash in on the Biscuit references.

Mr. Bland really is quite fond of money, isn’t he?

5 September 2011

Swanaldo

Pleasing to note in that Telegraph article that Mr Bland was ‘on his way to a leisure centre for a swim.’

6 September 2011

Peter Gandy

Pity the article didn’t comment on the reliability of the cashpoint or the chlorine levels at said leisure centre.

6 September 2011

Dave (Or I Could Be Mike)

Just spoken to my parents and it turns out my father spent his birthday at a Gordon Giltrap gig – not sure if there was any cajoling involved though. And a work colleague is currently on holiday at a certain Ibiza resort – it’s a birthday treat from her other half so a foam party could be on the agenda…

Walking through Baker Street station this morning I noted that a number of posters had been placed on the walls warning people about bogus officials.

Nice dress

8 September 2011

Flint

I fondly believed that the slightly haunted “WTF now?” expression on Brad Friedel’s face throughout Match of the Day Two tonight was still entirely due to the memory of being played “I Went to a Wedding” on Football Focus a few years ago.

But it turned out to be because he did know what was coming musically this time -a horrific montage of grizzled forty-something goalkeepers, set to Clive Dunne’s “Grandad”.

.

11 September 2011

Mr Larrington

Standing in the middle of the Nevada desert this morning and chatting with a few chums – as you do. My friend Alice casually mentioned that her cat has its own blog. She was unable to comprehend the fact of Mr Larrington laughing so much that he was in danger of turning inside out, and as she’s from northern California, I decided it would be too difficult to explain…

16 September 2011

Strumski

Had 2 on the train down to Leamington. Just outside Newcastle I heard the announcement ‘and in a few minutes our trolley will be round with tea, coffee, sandwiches, pastries, snacks, soft and alcohol drinks and much much more’. Naturally I had to ask about the much much more and immediately apologised for it whilst laughing. as I got off at Leamington so too did a fella with a Harry Quinn bike, found it all very strange but had me convinced I was in for a good trip.

18 September 2011

BrumBiscuit

I shall be travelling to Shropshire at the weekend for the Clun Valley Beer Festival, so I think I get 3 PBRs – I shall be:

1) In the shadow of the Stiperstones
2) A CAMRA Man for the duration
3) Staying in an “eco cabin” – without Tommy Walsh I dearly hope

Whilst I am cycling, there will be no Shimano Ultegra, nor is my bike a lilac Harry Quinn.

26 September 2011

gordo

I did genuinely want a Dukla Prague away kit circa 1985 and if my mother’s claim that the landscape gardener my parents hired to do up our garden around that time was the father of one of the original biscuits (who helped with the work) is true …….it would probably still be a coincidence.

6 October 2011

Charles Exford

Fellow three-stripe obsessives may be interested to know that AT FRICKIN LAST there is actually a current Adi Dassler DPS available from the Dukla online shop.

This is a club that had such a small fanbase that it didn’t even stock its own current kit last season (indeed, there was none available, anywhere in the world unless you actually played for them). They’ve given their online club shop franchise to another firm now they’re back in the big time, and the new firm seem to actually be able to stock a bit of kit, though they’re currently sold out of all but M and XXL, the not-quite-as-incompetent-as-the-last lot frickers.

I call it a DPS because of course the current home colours are the old away colours, so who the frick knows what it is, but anyway I hope to be sporting it at the Manc gig.

6 October 2011

Mr Larrington

I’ve just been spammed:

“Hello
This is Bob and I will like to order ( Wheel Cover )Do get back to me
with the types and cost for the ones you do carry and let me know if
there is an extra cost when using visa or maser Card.Kindly get back
to me with your name Are you the sales manager or the Owner?
Regards….
Bob Wilson”

7 October 2011

Paul F

Very routine PBR, but Graham Taylor trotted out a textbook “can’t show your studs in Europe” last night on 5 Live.

while I’m capturing the zeitgeist they’re widening the north circular which I can see whenever I make a voyage to the bottom of the road

9 October 2011

Peter Gandy

Do you live near Bounds Green Gordo?

9 October 2011

John Anderson

They’re certainly widening the A406 where I am in Palmers Green.

9 October 2011

gordo

it seems N13 is a hotspot for HMHB fans

10 October 2011

John Anderson

Maybe we should have a coffee morning.

10 October 2011

Paul Rodgers (Crimond)

My favourite band had an information service. Years later after they split two of them formed their own band and I ran their information service, although I called it an ‘info co’.

In fairness to the former it was Madness, so they were able to abbreviate down to MIS, which was chosen because it looked similar to MI5 and they wanted to make it look like a secret service that was issuing bulletins to fans.

I’m not winning you over am I? This was 1980.

If it helps I would like to point out that anyone sending an SAE to their original PO Box would still get a personal reply from guitarist Chrissy Boy, until some time last decade when he moved to Brighton.

Oh yeah and on the enamel badges members were sent it was mispelt Madness Imformation Service. Someone should have checked it out.

These days Madness can’t use the information service themselves as the name has been taken on and is used by two separate fan groups, one English and one French.

10 October 2011

BORDERING ON INSANITY

Can somebody please put me outa my misery and tell me what HMHB song has got the lyric “Kind of catchy” in it. I’m not what you would call an avid fan but I’m certainly getting there fast. I would much appreciate this query answered ASAP, before I’m forced to go through the entire lyrics project, which is not such a bad thing, but I am a bit of a lazy bastard and much prefer the short cut. Ta.

13 October 2011

The Jogging Mosher

New Southgate anyone?

13 October 2011

dagenham dave

Bordering,

I’ve racked my brains and the google search facility and can’t place it all.

13 October 2011

John Anderson

@ The Jogging Mosher

Blimey that’s four of us within a couple of square miles. We should organise an evening of pints and pedantry at the Queen’s Arse & Firkin or Banister & Shamrock.

New Southgate is somewhere you wouldn’t wanna get stuck,
That can’t be found in the Domesday Book,
Cromwell’s troops never billeted there,
Dick Turpin never had Bess shoed where

it’s just a rebranded Arnos Grove

14 October 2011

Bordering On Insanity

Sorry people. The story goes…I made my mate a coupla “Tasty’s” CD’s and when I seen him a week later, he said to me “I love that HMHB one about the fella who gets binned by his bird (his words not mine) because she doesn’t like his music. And it goes “kind of catchy. I must admit it did sound a lot Half Man Half Biscuity. But you’re right S.G.D. it was indeed Syd Barett’s “Here I Go.” Hence the reason I was bordering on insanity. I’m sorry Dagenham Dave for racking your brains. Much appreciated.

14 October 2011

gordo

@john anderson – surely it should be the Occassional Half

15 October 2011

John Anderson

Happy to meet you therew for more than a half. Does this board have a pm facility like the Fall Forum?

Turned on the tv yesterday to be met with Miriam Stoppard. And yes she was being horribly sincere.

22 October 2011

2 Chevrons

Got caught out this week. I put the bins out on the wrong day – our council have changed bin day from Wednesday to Thursday and I couldn’t be arsed to read the leaflet that dropped on the doormat along with the other assorted bumpf we don’t ask for but get with alarming regularity.

22 October 2011

John Anderson

I’ve just finished reading a biography of Neil Young and can confirm that his laugh is spelt heh heh.

24 October 2011

John Burscough

My my.

24 October 2011

Gregg Z

Mr. Burscough,

Your response to Mr. Anderson’s post represents an example of what gets my arse out of bed in the morning. The soul of wit.

Splendid.

25 October 2011

Charles Exford

Peel Day, seven years on, and I’m listening to some random old Peel shows on cassette.

‘I’ve said it before, a national treasure, there’s no question about it. When I die, I want them to be buried with me.’ – 14 October 1996

‘Half Man Half Biscuit, every song title a potential t-shirt.’ – 14 October 1996

‘As I’ve mentioned before, in a decently ordered society members of Half Man Half Biscuit would be routinely carried shoulder high through the streets of every city they visited.’ – 10 July 1997

‘Well, I have to say, if I did the lottery, which I don’t do, but if I won it, I should set aside a great sum of money to ensure that Half Man Half Biscuit never had to worry about money again, and could just go on making records: really for the rest of my life, and hopefully for the rest of theirs as well.’ – 07 October 1999

25 October 2011

john burscough

Thanks Exxo.

25 October 2011

Mr Larrington

TV’s former Voice of Swimming Hamilton Bland was on the news yesterday, talking about holes in the road. Seems he’s now an expert in this matter after suing Coventry council over damage to his motor-car.

27 October 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

The Bland ones obsession with an ultra smooth ride has already made a PBR appearance (posts 577 / 8 above). I just feel sorry for the council tax payers of Coventry who are stumping up for the upgrade to his f**king Merc.

27 October 2011

iffy voice

Now my missus is left-footed and subsequently there are always various Catholic knick-knacks randomly placed about our home.
So imagine my surprise and joy when I noticed an A6 card poked under the frame of a family photograph in the kitchen containing the more serious version of the poem FOOTPRINTS.
As I read through its contents, I noted that Nigel had only altered it from 1st to 3rd party and changed the reason for the absent footprints.
Having access to an art studio at work I couldn’t resist making a copy with the HMHB version and swapping it over to see if anybody noticed.
Well the art people did a cracking job and whilst considering the best method of replicating the card I was inspired to just print the new version on the back of the original.
I really couldn’t believe how good a good job this turned out to be.Check this out for the “before and after” pictures.
It’s only been a few days since I perpetrated the exchange and so far so good.
I now expect this to remain unnoticed for years and look forward to sniggering everytime I see it.
I shall certainly refer to it in future low points of my life.

Excellent work! I’m sure it would be appreciated if the second image could click through to a high-res version. Wouldn’t want that effort to not get used more widely – Chris

27 October 2011

Third Rate Les

Good work Iffy Voice. I might print that for my mum for Christmas and see if she notices the edit.

27 October 2011

Dagenham Dave

Found myself saying “is that our phone ringing or is it on the telly?” last night. It turns out that it was on the telly. Coronation Street if you must know.

28 October 2011

Mr Galbraith

Which was followed by Joanna Lumleybanging on about the book of Revalations (she added the ‘s’ not me) and St John the Divine. And on the 20th anniversary of the release of ‘Achtung Baby’ as well (as 6 music helpfully mentioned…..about every 10 minutes).

28 October 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Reading this review of Billing Aquadrome, I’d only got to the end of the first paragraph before I guessed that they were lying to me, they were lying to me on their review.

28 October 2011

Charles Exford

While researching the treatment of train crashes in Victorian literature recently ( the way you do after growing to love a song like ‘The Coroner’s Footnote’ ), I tried not to be irked by a character in Mrs. Gaskell’s ‘North and South’ (c.1860) constantly talking about “the book of Revelations”. Plus ça change, plus c’est le même enfer ….

28 October 2011

iffy voice

ref footprints

right i’ve got the art boys to add a link at the bottom left to a pdf.
so anyone who wants a copy can now print it out at what ever size they like in high quality

I was listening to 90 Bisodol (Crimond) for the first time the other day whilst driving to Ilfracombe. Due to time restrictions, I was sorry I had to bypass “checking out the Quantocks” but was hugely consoled by hearing the mention of Ilfracombe on the latest record, just as I was passing the entrance to the Combe Martin Wildlife & Dinosaur Park. (Don’t know which song it was, I’d have had to put my readers on to check and possibly caused a crash.)

30 October 2011

iffy voice

went to spurs yesterday and although i expected to see brad freidel it was a right bonus to see the good year airship flying over our heads during the game.

Yet again, the PBR-status of this life-episode is tenuous. But, those of us auslanders must take what we’re given.

I am employed in the state of New Jersey, USA, as a wine merchant (selling mostly classic reds, bottled by medal-winning estates on the banks of the Garonne). Last week, I opened a new account, at which I was obliged to place 60 cases of wine on the store’s brand-new shelves. (Glamorous, I know). Anyway, about 97% of the way through the job, the shop-owner changed his mind about the layout of the store, and I had to re-do all of my work.

Oh, by the way, the shop is in the town of Bridgewater (spelt with a superfluous “e”). Trouble indeed.

In other news, a certain singer out of a certain group (rhymes with “Sliptwat”) is appearing locally here:

I have some good news for Nigel – the plumber currently doing my bathroom uses a humble amateur transit van.

4 November 2011

Kendo Nagasaki

HMHB and PWEI releasing albums at the same time.

PWEI publicising their new offering by sitting on the Soccer AM couch, when one of them says he supports Arsenal. Helen Chamberlain asks if he’s always supported Arsenal. He goes pale, stutters and then blurts out “I never supported Liverpool!”

They show a clip of him on the show from some years earlier in which he responded to the “Who do you support?” question with the answer “Ipswich Town”.

Rock and roll is indeed full of bad wools…..(as much as I love PWEI and Mary Byker (for it was him)).

Mick

4 November 2011

Darren

On my way home from a holiday in Snowdonia, I forced my wife into a 2 hour detour to visit Bunners the Chandler in Montgomery.

I was able to purchase a jar of swarfega but sadly the dusty hussars and jigsaw of Nazi war criminals must have been sold.

The Franklin was indeed a wonderful piece of craftsmanship but pricy at £79.99.

4 November 2011

Jeff Dreadnought

So did anyone else have Zuider Zee In the November Handicap at Doncaster?

5 November 2011

Pop-Tart Mark

I’ve backed ZZ a few times this year but couldn’t bring myself to back it today at a non-Biscuit-referenced track, alas. Was on the second-place horse in that race and made a few quid on the place.

I don’t belong here. You ain’t seen me.

5 November 2011

Chris the Siteowner

Darren: after a two-hour detour, I hope you have some photographic evidence being developed at the chemists. Send us a copy when you get the prints back.

6 November 2011

2 Chevrons

Channel hopping last night and stumbled upon what might be a bizarre hat-trick. DIY SOS with erstwhile presenter Nick F. Knowles who referred to one of his colleagues as ‘Half Man, Half Biscuit’. Not entirely sure, but the house might have been in Bridgewater.

9 November 2011

PapaLazarou

As a lad I had the pleasure of spending my holidays at our cottage in the Stiperstones, and can vouch for their beauty. We later moved to a small village near Montgomery, and I can proudly boast that I was a regular at Bunners buying all sorts of btis and pieces that you can only find in family-owned country hardware shops that “have been there forever…”

Anyway, re quoting lyrics, while my wife and sister-in-law were laughing at my 7-month olds efforts at shoving his uncles grubby finger into his mouth, I referred to it as “like a fat kid eating a sausage roll” and got a suitable laugh from them. Made me chuckle too.

Unfortunately my requests for a Dukla Prague away kit for Christmas this year have been met with a Yes Dear look. Ah well, next year…

10 November 2011

dagenham Dave

Driving home through Barnes in SW London this afternoon I had the pleasure of overtaking a woman riding a Pashley. And yes it had a basket.

Not so much a PBR, but i do match announcer for my local non-league team. Everyone knows my eclectic taste in music, but i try and include a HMHB track when i can.

Now if i could just get hold of a ‘clean’ version of Friday Night, And the gates are low…

21 November 2011

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

I did a bit of that myself for a bit, and did wonder whether I had been the first person for at least thirty years to play Hawkwind at a football ground.

21 November 2011

Dave Wiggins

Finding myself in the South Wales basin on Wednesday night, I trotted off to the very impressive Newport Centre to see what all the fuss over Frank Turner is about. Readers, believe the hype. Despite feeling that I had gatecrashed a 2,000-strong party, the bloke (and his band, The Sleeping Souls) was tremendous. A smattering of Half Man Half Biscuit tee-shirts in evidence – along with a spurious rumour that Frank was hoping to get HMHB on his Wembley Arena bill, in April. Alas, no Vatican Broadside in the encore, this time (there are several YouTube versions of him doing it, and it is great when his fans join in, but then don’t know the ‘in relation to me getting out of bed’ sign-off!).

26 November 2011

Chris The Siteowner

I’ll second that – Frank went down a storm at this year’s Cambridge Folk Festival (which we’ve been begging the organisers to invite HMHB to for years). Here’s the Vatican Broadside cover

26 November 2011

Charles Exford

Seen FT a few times – decent – but did go off him with that ‘Manchester/hobby’ comment – a bit rich with all the sentimetal fuss about being from fucking Winchester or somewhere on his ‘current single’.

And Chris – one would imagine that the organisers of CFF (and most other festivals) have been asking HMHB for years & that they haven’t wanted to do it.

26 November 2011

Third Rate Les

There was an advert on “Gold” last night for a programme where Neil Morrissey was talking about (amongst other things) Nerys Hughes.
I imagine Nigel probably missed that one.

26 November 2011

Paddy

According to the BBC there was hotly disputed penalty at Old Trafford today.

26 November 2011

Hagerty F.

Danny Baker’s quiz contained a few minutes on the subject of Korfball yesterday. Contestants were hopeless.

28 November 2011

Hagerty F.

On the very same show it was also revealed that Bob Wilson’s middle name is Primrose.

28 November 2011

Charles Exford

It was a revelation to few who have ever done a 70s/80s football quiz book. Next you’ll be telling us you didn’t know he was a deckchair attendant before signing his professional forms.

28 November 2011

Dagenham Dave

Walking around the West End yesterday I noticed an increase in the number of buskers. It must be nearly Christmas.

2 December 2011

Hagerty F.

I saw a similar thing at Embankment tube.

2 December 2011

Niall Macpherson

Well it’s not quite a ‘PBR’ but it gave me a laugh so I thought I would share it here. I have been with my partner for just over 2 years and she has a 12 year old daughter (Celine). They are both aware of my fondness for HMHB but neither have shown any interest in getting into them yet although I have tried a few songs out on them. A couple of weeks ago we all sat down together to write our Christmas present lists, As I had had a few glasses of wine for some reason I put down ‘Dukla Prague away kit’ on my list.

Today Celine told me that she had been all round Redhill trying to find a ‘Dukla Prague away kit’. Every shop she went to had no idea what she was talking about. Eventually someone at Marks and Spencer searched on the computer and directed her to the CD section

3 December 2011

2 Chevrons

In the interviews ahead of the Newcastle v Chelsea game, Alan Pardew was talking about Drogba, Cole, Cech and Lampard and referred to them as ‘top, top players’. Didn’t share his thoughts about ‘crock of shit’ though.

4 December 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

@ 2 chevrons. That would be the central defenders left to him now that Coloccini and Taylor are out injured.

4 December 2011

Third Rate Les

I was at a nice restaurant on the shores of Lake Annecy yesterday with some mates and a swan started swimming towards us.
“I wonder…” I thought.
“I hate swans”, said my mate Sam.
(“come on….” I thought)
“They just look a bit evil”, said Sam.
(“dammit, this one’s getting away from me”, I thought)
“Vicious buggers too”, said Sam
(“yes, come on, nearly there…” I thought)
“They can break your arm with one swipe of their wing, you know”, said Sam.
“YEEEESSSSS!”, I shouted happily, making everyone in the restaurant look round.
Magic. Made my weekend.

13 December 2011

Paul F

Lake Annecy – surely one of the nicest places on Earth. I’ve been on a couple of conferences at the Imperial Palace Hotel there. Stunning.

Chris Evans did actually ponder whether it was true that a swan can break your arm the other morning.

13 December 2011

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

The Vendoress is now way ahead of me on that one, I’m afraid. Every time we see a swan (more likely to be tramping the wilds of Northumbria than Haute-Savoie, but still) she is apt to exclaim ‘Just don’t say it, don’t bloody say it, Ok?

Careful now. (Down with this sort of thing.)

13 December 2011

John Burscough

That’s funny, I get told not to do the Peter Cook “My mother can break a swan’s wing with a blow of her nose” line.

13 December 2011

Mat

a great PBR the other day, went to see HMHB at the Ritz in Manchester and some very angry looking sweaty chap was getting a bit aggressive with some bloke on the front row who was quite happily minding his own business watching the band.

It started to escalate and there was a moment when it looked as though it was going to kick off and turn nasty.I turned to my friend next to me and anounced that he must be on the ‘royds.

20 December 2011

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

Someone recently stole the lead off the roof of the local church.

20 December 2011

Dave Wiggins

Does bumping into Nigel in Waterstones, Liverpool City Centre, earlier this evening, class as a PBR? No need for a tricky manoeuvre; just a quintessentially scouse “how’s it goin’?”. “alright, ta, nice one”. So much more I would have wanted to say, but then I would have had to take a dive from the second floor (True Crime, Classics, and Entertainment), with embarrassment.

21 December 2011

John Burscough

You never know, he might have warmed to the situation.

22 December 2011

BrumBiscuit

I’m wondering if HRH The Duke of Edinburgh will leave his heart in Papworth General…

24 December 2011

BrumBiscuit

Two mentions – and a play of DPAK – on Fighting Talk on FiveLive.

Didn’t play the final “…errrr”, though. Thank you Pat Nevin! And Steve Lamacq.

24 December 2011

bobbybottler

Brum – agreed. I felt though that it was a strange twist of fate to play DPAK and then immediately go to a lead news item of an OAP leaving his heart in Papworth General.

A nice combo this morning when Richard (of “and Judy”), as stand-in Radio 2 Breakfast Show host, played Boz Scaggs’s Lido Shuffle.

6 January 2012

gordo

I was beckoned accoss the road by a driver with his index finger when I lingered at the kerb this morning.

Given that I was on a zebra crossing and him stopping to let me cross is obligatory the index finger was completely unnecessary

6 January 2012

Android, Eyes Rolling

I was talking to a colleague at work this morning. She indicated a picture she had noticed of the Little Mermaid statue and said “I’ve seen that statue! [short pause] It’s quite small.”

12 January 2012

John Anderson

An ex work colleague has posted photos on Facebook of Scorpion Jeff (and his scorpions). I don’t know if he’s related to Iguana Andy.

14 January 2012

Brumbiscuit

A very tenuous PBR, but the Rollright Stones were on Stargazing last night. Didn’t see any weekend pagans, but it’s the wrong day, I suppose.

18 January 2012

Duchess of Westminster

Yes, although full time pagans will be there on the 2nd of February, which is a Thursday.

18 January 2012

Tea For Toxteth

Just discovered that my niece has got a friend in Uni who hails from Budapest. Get this…She’s nineteen years of age, has her very own armchair, and yes you’ve guessed it…supports none other than Honved. As you can well imagine, my niece was absolutely baffled (and not to mention a bit concerned) when I insisted that she found out the above information (in the relevant order.) I tried to explain my reasons for my excitement but it fell on extremely deaf ears, due to her listening to Beyonce on her Ipod. Half Man Half Who, was all she could offer.

18 January 2012

Definitely not SPENCER THE HALFWIT. No. Never.

Just accidentally alighted upon Celebrity Big Brother and that doesn’t half look like Nigel sitting on the sofa.

19 January 2012

SIMON P

I accidentally drove into New Mills on Sunday. Not as in I collided with it, but my satnav took me into the town rather than round it. I can confirm that it is indeed lacking in frills, and is certainly adjacent to the hills.

So it came to pass that once upon a cold, blowy winter’s eve, the Vendor was summoned to meet the Vendress from work, and believing mightily in the maxim to kill two birds with a single stone had, verily, decided to walk the Hound during the same mission. Unexpectedly, on exiting her place of employment, the Vendress was determined to purchase the latest album from Lana Del Rey, and to fulfil that end the intrepid party of 3 hot-footed it to the local Sainsbury’s.

Now the Vendor and his Hound had no intention of setting foot in that hallowed establishment, but were content to loll against the wall, spitting needlessly if required. However, in a moment of canine madness the Hound ventured too close to the doors, and with an inelegant swish they parted, not unlike the waters of the Red Sea.

Trigger the Chuckle Brothers; a duo of Sainsbury’s security, who waddled across the forecourt, in a menacing manner, filling the Vendor with a temporary tremor of trepidation, as they hollered ‘Ey, tha canna bring a doog in here, maite’. Their combined age of approximately 150, their demonstrable lack of physical fitness, their ill-fitting uniforms and their pathetic inability to intimidate, allowed the Vendor to quickly regain his composure and to respond with a call of ‘Like I’m dead scared’ aimed towards the hapless pair. ‘Oh what a frightening world it can be’, the Vendor muttered to the Vendress, who merely walked into the store in disgust, questioning why once in a while the Vendor needs such childish kicks.

31 January 2012

BrumBiscuit

On one of my all-too-frequent recent visits to the purveyors of junk food to the masses, which like the Scottish play shall not be mentioned – but I didn’t see Ronald there – the dip for my potato wedges was sour cream and chives. I was however, addressed as “Sir” and my change was not thrown at me in a drawer.

Nothing but total respect for this line up. Only surprise is there is no sign of Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican.

7 February 2012

Charles Exford

Sometimes we expect our exotic expeditions to get us away from all that relates. But instead they can often just make the shared experience from back home all the more vivid and vital.

Reluctantly checking my e-mail after almost a month away, I noticed that the very last message, sent at 01.45 that morning, was titled “Extra Gig Added – Tonight – NEAR STROUD”. I quickly realised that this was not, alas, from J. Dreadnought Esq., so I wouldn’t be bothering to make the 400-mile round trip to Gloucestershire this time (much as though I love Andy White’s music, his mailing list’s constant ability to surprise, and his even-more-obscure-than-the-Biscuits gig venues). Not that much of a PBR in itself, but it did make me wonder what has happened to the Lyrics Project contributor known as Jeff Dreadnought, and then, even more so, to certain of our formerly prolific fellow Projectistas who have fallen silent lately: Bobby String? Two Fat Feet? Should we send out search parties?

We’ve been away ourselves in Brazil and Argentina at a couple of football tournaments with our pub team. Dogs on the pitch, fellas wearing Brazilian #10 shirts swigging from bottles of lager and other fellas whose shirts and haircuts got me thinking of Kempes were all so commonplace that these matters would hardly merit a mention here. Nor would our keeper’s regular screaming at me (quite justifiably, I must add) after making his decent saves. Nor even would the fact that both of the tall-masted museum ships we visited in Buenos Aires’ equivalent of the Albert Dock last Friday were, their brass engine-room plates revealed, built at Lairds in Birkenhead. And who hasn’t got a story about their train replacement/replacement bus service breaking down at the Iguassu Falls and being replaced by a replacement minibus, which in turn got stuck in the mud so it was in fact quicker to walk?

No, the PBR that truly made this post inevitable happened on Sunday as we returned from the 35 degrees of South America to the -1 blizzards of Leeds. As our taxi driver struggled for control of his vehicle and bemoaned the lack of gritting on the roads, I ventured that perhaps the local council or Highways Agency teams had been unable to get to work at the weekend themselves. “I’d give them a free ride to work if it meant the roads got done”, he rejoined. A remarkable offer. So, in future, any stranded gritters out there can please call Arrowline taxis in Leeds. Spread the word, and then perhaps the “Mr. Universe” line can be officially installed as the last great unsolved mystery of our times.

8 February 2012

Third Rate Les

Jeff Dreadnought is very much still around and only 2 weeks ago on the trip to Bilston was baffling me with his playlist of songs (often obscure old Blues songs) which are obliquely referenced in HMHB songs. It’s a research effort of such mammoth proportions that it left me wondering how he has any time left to even sleep, let alone do any work/look after his family.

John – thanks for your concern, but ironically Mrs. E’s redoutable onions have had a winter of relative content, flourishing temporarily while the dog’s been on his hols in Blackpool for the last 4 weeks.

Have you seen Damien Hirst’s (plans for an) eco house? He also owns a restaurant in Ilfracombe, apparently.

17 February 2012

Phil Vaughan

I noted with delight from the latest issue of When Saturday Comes the news that Subbuteo is to be relaunched shortly (Table Toppers, WSC 301). Time for a re-release of All I Want for Christmas Is a Dukla Prague Away Kit perhaps? Or the company involved should get the band to play at the launch? I promise not to try to claim any royalties for thinking of it first…

17 February 2012

Tea For Toxteth.

To all Biscuit fans who attend Anfield to see the Reds play. I sent George Sephton (the tannoy fella) an e-mail, pleading with him to play a HMHB song. I sent him three choices of Bob Wilson, Girlfriend’s finished…When the evening sun…He replied to inform me that he’d downloaded the tunes and would happily play one of them “SOON.” Happy listening.

20 February 2012

Paul F

Just the thought of George’s voice has floods of nostalgia washing over me. Including when, as obnoxious schoolkids, we used to send him bogus requests designed to take the proverbial out of classmates and teachers alike. My favourite was one congratulating our middle-aged deputy head on 50 years as a teacher.

21 February 2012

Dave Wiggins

Goodison Park’s tannoy-man invariably fell hook, line and sinker, for ‘birthday’ greetings to the likes of ‘Ivor Biggun’ and ‘Dick Throb’. How we guffawed, as a prelude to Gordon Lee’s Everton dipping to yet another home-reverse.

21 February 2012

Dave Wiggins

Although the greatest DJ faux pas, to these ears, was when The Jam were playing Deeside Leisure Centre in 1979. Some girls sent a request to Radio City’s Johnny Jason, saying “please play ‘When You’re Young’, for Paul, Bruce and Rick. We can’t wait to see them next week”. ‘JJ’, as he was known, had clearly never heard of The Jam, and responded, on air, “seems like you fellas have got yourselves a date there. Be sure to turn up”.

21 February 2012

Tea For Toxteth.

With the danger of sounding like I’m one of those people who lives in the middle of Nowhersville (Perth in Australia comes to mind) and pleading for the band to travel the ends of the earth to come and play in my hometown, well let me tell you that that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am all of a stone throw away from you, which begs the question…Why don’t you play in Liverpool? Come on Geoff, Lad. Pull your finger out and put your foot down. To all Scousers on here, let’s demand a 2012 appearance in our city.

21 February 2012

Dave Wiggins

Don’t be greedy, Toxteth. Surely you remember the sell-out Liverpool Carling Academy show of October 2005?

21 February 2012

Warden Hodges

Is right lar! How about the ‘new Eric’s’.? Not been there yet.

21 February 2012

Paul F

I saw Elvis Costello in Perth once. Very enjoyable it was too.

22 February 2012

Al Bundy

Was lucky enough to see em at Radio Merseyside and I do think that just there, the Carling Academy and The Krazy House in 15 years is a bit of a poor return if I’m being honest. Would’ve been nice if they could’ve played Pacific Road Arts Centre but that looks unlikely now.

22 February 2012

Peter O’Connell

I was in a very posh and quiet library in Oxford, and I was trying to find something in some old, archived newspapers. As I went through them I came across a report of a cricket match between two of the Oxford colleges. The report included a photo. When I glanced at it I said “Fuckin Hell its Fred Titmuss” rather too loudly! I had several odd looks from the others in the library.

23 February 2012

BrumBiscuit

That’s not how I’d spell Titmus…

23 February 2012

Mr Galbraith

I was at a progressive local secondary school on business earlier in the week, and during the conversation regarding financial matters the ‘business manager’ (whom I imagine would probably have been known as the bursar in times gone by) proudly announced that the school was planning to build an eco house next term. My colleague who was also in the meeting simply couldn’t understand why I chose that moment to spit my coffee halfway across the room in surprse.

25 February 2012

mate of the bloke

I’ve been watching Britain’s Heritage Heroes on tv. Travelling through the Welsh borders John Craven and Jules Hudson first visited the Clwydian Hills, where there was a lack of low cloud, and then followed it up by descending the Stiperstones, visiting Snailbeach by car, (well Land Rover).

28 February 2012

S

I work in local newspapers, and have just seen a review of a comedy hypnotist filed. (I suppose it’d have made the front page if there’d been a traffic-based fatality).
I’m also sure someone told me that the PRS do run golf days or tournaments – maybe not a full weekend, but still…

28 February 2012

J

I left my onions in a charity shop.
(I can hear them singing it now)

28 February 2012

The Qwill

Soundwave is an Antipodean hard rock/heavy metal touring festival currently doing the rounds. A couple of Biccie references readily came to mind.

Cathedral have a song (“Ride”) that rhymes ‘womb’ with ‘tomb’.

Also, Slipknot were playing. Unfortunately, I did not have the opportunity to ask singer Corey Taylor about his Papal encounter.

4 March 2012

Mr Larrington

Radio 4 broadcast a prog commemorating the 20th anniversary of “Fever Picth” on Monday. I am ashamed to admit that I didn’t notice at the time that the presenter was Bob Wilson.

7 March 2012

Paul F

A nice double on Radio 2. Gretchen Peters was on, and seconds after a text from a fan in New Mills, it was announced she was playing Bilston on her UK tour.

7 March 2012

John Anderson

I’ve just received a Farm Foods brochure through the post. Still waiting for the phone cal though.

7 March 2012

peterpinguid

There are many words that my family and acquaintances know never to utter (or at least curb wherever possible their frequency). The top 5 are:

1. gravel
2. I was
3. Cuba
4. Weimerana
5. Hadleigh (difficult when we live near Hadleigh)

“…Everton are flying at the minute and I can’t say enough about what a top, top manager David Moyes is.” Top, top words from a top, top player, John Aldridge. Get on the comma as well. Top, top punk2ation!!!

13 March 2012

John Anderson

This morning I saw a Weimaraner in my local park, 21 down in my crossword was corsair and I was accosted by a poor sod conducting polls.

This afternoon I fully expect to meet Lynette McMorrough in Poundland.

13 March 2012

John Anderson

There are two letters in the Daily Telegraph today about postmen leaving elastic bands on driveways.

On the way to the Newcastle match today, I cut through Eldon Square shopping centre. At the entrance I used were two sets of automatic doors. The ones I used opened but the bloke ahead of me used the other set that didn’t. As he bounced off the glass I was tempted to launch into “I believe I’ve seen holograms …”

Hamilton Bland will soon have enough money to build his own memorial swimming pool http://bit.ly/GKhDXL

23 March 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Curses. I’ve been quietly from afar willing the Little Master to knock off that elusive ton for over a year now to cement his place as second only to The Don as the greatest batsman of all time. If I’d have known that Bland was going to profit to this extent from the landmark, I’d have saved my willing, or at least aimed it elsewhere, so it ultimately benefited a less odious character.

23 March 2012

BrumBiscuit

Just to rub it all in, he appeared in all his smug, self awarded glory on Midlands Today last week. Almost put me off Shefali…

25 March 2012

Third Rate Les

I do apologise if this was very obvious, but did you know that The King Of Rome is a true story?

Wow. Thanks for the link.
Well done the Unthanks – that’s brilliant.
It’s odd how poignant it is – the “come on down your majesty” bit gets me every time – it’s only a bloody pigeon, after all. It’s not just the sentimentality attached to a pet (although goodness knows you can get very attached to them), it’s the spot-on summary of why sport, in all its trivial absurdity, matters so much.

29 March 2012

Thin Binman

It’s poignant, sure enough, but personally I find that seven and a half minute version somewhat absurdly overblown. Not sure I could even manage to get through the intro again.

As the next lament, or indeed the previous one on their setlist, is quite likely to be about a mining disaster, forced evictions or shipwreck, I wonder how they (above all the particularly earnest Unthank in the middle) manage to raise the stakes?

29 March 2012

Third Rate Les

Ha ha! That’s a fair challenge. As HMHB show, less is perhaps more in these songs.
I was in a bar in Co. Donegal once where there was a folk band playing songs on request from local punters, and was astonished at the sheer number of songs known to everyone about raven-haired beauties brutally ravished by evil British landlords (plus intermittent mining disasters and boats foundering on the Grand Banks). Always reminds me a little of Billy Connolly’s spoof country songs.

29 March 2012

Mr Larrington

Did anyone shout “Play one the drummer knows”?

30 March 2012

Third Rate Les

I think sadly there was no drummer, just a couple of guitars played by people who, come to think of it, looked like the Unthanks.

They did do two sets though.

30 March 2012

Chris the Siteowner

Well sod you lot. 😉 The Unthanks are my second-favourite live act in the whole wide world, and not are they already promising to play King Of Rome with the “Briggus” at the Cambridge Folk Festival in July (where I’ll be in the front row in m’deckchair), but they’re launching a new album (with it on) there too. Now all I need is for HMHB to return the favour by covering an Unthanks cover, such as Dondestan, and I’ll die a happy man. That is all.

30 March 2012

Third Rate Les

Do they play with the brass band? Sounds ace.

30 March 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

I’ve posted this link on here before but I can’t remember whereabouts.

Play the song. Buy the book. Visit the bird (now stuffed). My favourite link is the one which shows the possible flight route that the King of Rome took. A lot of thought went into that particular conjecture.

Took the little chap a month to get home though. Considering he flew right across L’hexagone he probably considered himself lucky not to have been shot and eaten en route.

Life affirming story; lovely song. Never heard a bad version of it.

If the next HMHB album consisted of The King of Rome and 9 other well chosen cover versions of a similar ilk I’d be more than happy. Do they take requests?

31 March 2012

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

Not-at-all-sorry to be pedantic but nine songs of ‘a similar ilk’ would mean a whole album of songs called King Of Rome or something very much like it. Track listing could get a bit monotonous.

31 March 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

We’re not all Rob Roys, you know. South of the border the phrase commonly means of the same type or genre, rather than having the same name. It’s a Sassanach misunderstanding, but that’s English usage for ya.

1 April 2012

Thin Binman

Will they be performing the Floral Dance, the Brighouse’s best-known hit? I’ve always believed the ‘definitive’ 1977 vocal can be bettered, and if anyone can, the Unthanks surely can.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElnCI1fkfFM

I think I’m right in saying that one of Jack Duckworth’s favourite pigeons was called none other than Augustus. Makes a whole lotta sense now.

2 April 2012

Neil G

Sadly, I was reminded of Dead Men Don’t Need Season Tickets last week when I heard news that my old friend Keith had died. This would not be especially relevant if it weren’t for the fact that it was Keith who introduced me to the joys of Half Man Half Biscuit one Christmas, when he gave me a couple of their CDs. He used to read this website, I know, because he mentioned some of the things that I’d written.

I don’t want to put a damper on things. I just thought it would be nice to remember one of the HMHB community. There will certainly be some HMHB played at his funeral, as they were his favourite band. Knowing Keith, it will be Dead Men and Tending The Wrong Grave. Cheerio, mate.

6 April 2012

Glyn Evans

Earlier today, my wife asked me to get butter, milk and cheese out of the fridge. Sadly, my offer of an equilateral chainsaw was not appreciated.

9 April 2012

Mr Larrington

It was with great delight that I tore open a somewhat belated birthday present in the pub the other night and Lo! nestling within the tasteful wrapping paper is a shiny copy of William Fotheringham’s recently-published biography of Eddy Merckx. It is called “Merckx: Half Man Half Bike”. On reading it, alas, I found that the HMHB of the title was coined by a journalist in the early seventies.

10 April 2012

Tea For Toxteth.

Every time I see Sandi Toksvig on the telly, all I can think of is the fact that HMHB never gave her a mention in one of their songs. Something along the lines of…”Just who wears the kecks in Sandi Toksvig’s house.”

10 April 2012

warden hodges

Who resides at No 73. (she did 30 odd years ago)

10 April 2012

John Burscough

@ Mr L: Not a PBR, then, but just possibly a hint to the legendary lost source of the Half Man Half Biscuit name?

(I suspect that seventies journalist may have been referencing Flann O’Brien’s ‘The Third Policeman’ :
“The gross and net result of it is that people who spent most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them, and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who are nearly half people and half bicycles.”)

11 April 2012

Third Rate Les

I thought the same when I saw that one in Waterstones.
Seems like a possible inspiration – perhaps “bike” read by someone as “biccie”? My kids often jokingly mispronounce words how they’re spelt.

Ah, the greatest sportsman of them all… Was also struck seeing that book at his resemblance to Jacques Brel – not so much the features as the look of unquestioned confidence. Must be a Belgian thing.

Blimey – that’s quite striking.
Interesting to see that Merckx was also brought up a French speaker – didn’t know that. The parallels are quite striking. Perhaps Merckx just called himself Brel when he was pining for a cigarette.

12 April 2012

gordo

one which I forgot about because of the distraction of the men with steal hearts seeing a cat on the pitch at anfield the other month was a news story on BBC London about plans to turf out the Italia Conti students from the cheap student accomodation at Barbican. It did cross my mind that they would end up going to Cuba

12 April 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Mathematical Safety Day 2012, and we can launch the lilo with three games to spare, secured by a winner at Walsall by a dwarf winger from Wirral and an 89th minute equaliser in Bucks by a Dorset journeyman.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie! Moore, Moore, Moore!

14 April 2012

gordo

talking of which …
“Grown men with replica shirts worn over their jumpers, who stand up and stretch out their arms when the opposing team fail to hit the target;”
(50 seconds in)

Excerpt from today’s news – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tees-17729120
Cleveland Police admitted malicious prosecution and was ordered to pay damages
Leaving the latest hearing, at Leeds County Court, Mr Alam said: “It was never about the money.”
“I have had to endure years of shame and humiliation and a stain on my good name,” he said.

“Not only did I lose my career, I lost my freedom, my family unit, my reputation and my health and much, much more.”

Now I don’t mean to be cruel and I’m sure the poor bloke’s been through a hard time, but those last four words ? A phone call might be in order.

Am I alone in finding it amusing? Especially as he worked for a company supplying swans. One that NB57 has missed!

29 April 2012

Blood on Chapel Court

I enjoyed the article too, especially the bit about the swan terrorising the boaties on the Cam for the last two years. That bit did make me laugh. I used to regularly go running up the towpath there thirty years ago and would go and do it again tomorrow if I thought I might see a swan defending its territory against the posh twerps of the JCBC.

29 April 2012

BrumBiscuit

There was a BBC4 documentary on Kathrine Ferrier last week. I had no idea she was an opera singer. Couldn’t bring meself to watch it though.

30 April 2012

BrumBiscuit

By the way, in late-August/early September I’m driving from Budapest to Blighty. Can anyone suggest the most PBR-laden route without major detours? I’ve ruled out Leeuwarden with a heavy heart as it’s right up in the north of Holland. Kispest Honved will be the starting point, of course.

30 April 2012

BrumBiscuit

& yes, I realise now it’s Kathleen Ferrier!

30 April 2012

Paul F

I reckon Prague, Moenchengladbach, Ghent, Waregem, or perhaps, the Tyrol, Esch and Picardy.

The Half Map Half Biscuit was surely designed for such a problem.

30 April 2012

Paul F

Incidentally, looking at the map, I’d never noticed before how spectacularly unfeasible a hydrofoil from Enschede to Malmo was. I think he needs a new intinerary.

30 April 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

It is Kathleen Ferrier’s centenary this year, hence the documentary. Lots of other events organized this summer as part of the Operatic Season.

And for those who like to act out their PBRs, I’m not sure if the recent Kathleen Ferrier stamp is still available at the Post Office for sending any tickets to anyone you errm, need to send any tickets to, but anyway that was as close as I’ll ever get to Kathleen Ferrier tickets in the post meself.

30 April 2012

John Burscough

The Tyrol/Esch route from Budapest could also take in Kitzbuehel and Zurich.

30 April 2012

BrumBiscuit

I was rather hoping to sing “SupercallafragelisticBorussiaMoenchengladbach” as I entered the place. There might also be a couple of spare seats should anyone fancy the trip. A couple of mates are flying out to Austria for the return leg, but there are some seats left…

I’m going to be building up a Harry Quinn framed bike soon, and it can only be one colour. Could I ask those of you so inclined to look at the colour chart link above and tell me which one you think is most lilacy. Different screens show different colours, so many opinions are good. Tasoverymuch.

11 May 2012

Third Rate Les

10

36 is OK but it’s a bit dark.

11 May 2012

Rubber Faced Irritant

Seconded. Mrs Irritant is Queen of the Colour Chart and confirms 10 is the only option. Her first and, in all likelihood, last contribution to our pedantry.

12 May 2012

John Burscough

If you’re going with Argos, I see they fit Campagnolo gear lever bosses as standard.

As expected there is a Tombola, Penalty Shoot Out, Tug of War, Balloon Race, Cake Stall and they have promised “much, much more”

There is a mobile phone number for “Kate”, one of the PTA organisers and the moment I find a taxi driver with dermatological problems, “Kate” can expect a call….

22 May 2012

Brumbiscuit

On Sunday, I too went to a Co-op fun day in the park. On the flyer there was a long list of activities and the compulsory “much, much more”, but sadly no number to call.

However, Slim, wasn’t the call made before the taxi ride? Best pick that phone up now!

29 May 2012

Tea For Toxteth.

Brendan Rodgers is undeniably a “Top Top” manager but I feel that his appointment will no doubt “Irk The Purists.”

Liverpool Echo comment.

Obviously a HMHB fan here, making the most of the situation.

1 June 2012

£@$Y 4 U 2 $@Y

I was listening to the radio last week and a band came on, who didn’t half sound like Half Man Half Biscuit……………which was nice.

No doubt the above comment will irk a few PBR purists, disappointed at the mere thought of the band should warrant a PBR. Well just to say, I’ll be reporting back in tomorrow when I go to buy my tube of pringles.

Laters.

4 June 2012

SIMON P

At this very moment a very smug middle class couple is being shown round an empty weaver’s cottage on “Location Location Location”. Sadly not in Cambridgeshire thought, but in Bradford on Avon.

5 June 2012

Charles Exford

Simon, having seen your post on May 20th I assumed that was you & your Mrs. on the programme today and that you’d just got the wrong Bradford 😉

5 June 2012

SIMON P

Ba-doom *tish* To be fair, I don’t think I could have a conversation with Phil Spencer without punching him in the face…

5 June 2012

TAYLO

Richard Ashcroft on XFM this morning saying he wants to strip everything back on his next album and make it more ‘song orientated’.

6 June 2012

Gordo

could easily have been the theme for today :

Sixteen teams are taking part
Sixteen camps of hope
Some contain top, top players
Some are just a crock of shit

I was playing piano in church on Sunday which means I pick the hymns, so selected “Irk The Purists”, “Paintball’s Coming Home” and Psalm 23 (Crimond). I’d like to report that I rounded off with Hymn No. 252 but sadly I don’t know it – will have to work on that one.

12 June 2012

Mrs Medlicott

Sat in a pub in Chester yesterday evening with three friends while wearing an HMHB t-shirt I was asked by someone if we were Half Man Half Biscuit by someone who knew Nigel’s dad and thought that the person sat opposite me looked a bit like him. It was a shame in a way to have to put him right and tell him we weren’t.

13 June 2012

2 chevrons

Olympic torch is coming to town. One of today’s torch bearers is of particular interest.

0725: Descibed as ‘a real korfball ace’ by his nominator, Paul Vreeburg begins his leg of the relay. Paul is a coach of the Dutch sport, which is a mixed gender team game that has similarities to netball and basketball.

if only somebody had tipped him off that the correct terminology is “top, top player”.

16 June 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Which reminds me that I meant to post a picture of that huge ten-metre long Leeuwarden tricolour which was directly in shot for most of the set pieces at the Metalist Stadium last Tuesday …. problem is, even though all the goals were.at that end (and yes I did back Gomez as ‘next scorer’ both times – and for tournament top scorer – thank you for reminding me of that particular Joy in Birkenhead) , I’m buggered if I can find such a picture on google images.

16 June 2012

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

You can see it on the Facebook page for Half Man Half Biscuit Society.

16 June 2012

P-T M

I saw it plenty on Tuesday thanks Spencer. I don’t go on Facebook, and from memory I can’t copy photos from there so that would be futile anyway.

16 June 2012

Chigley Skin

Doubt there was much joy going on behind said flag, or back home in Leeuwarden for that matter. Oranjes are definitely in crock-of-shit mode this year. Are they England in disguise?

I seem to remember from reading an Ian Dury biog that he originally considered calling his band “Closed For Private Function”, until wiser counsels prevailed.

19 June 2012

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

Do you think Nigel was on the scene to give quotes? I can’t believe you could pick someone called Horatio Cumerband at random.

19 June 2012

John Burscough

Not only that, it’s Horatio Cumerband IV, so presumably there have been three previous holders of the name. He seems to have weighed in online recently on just about every topic exercising the residents of Surrey and Hampshire, unfortunately not including sewage farms or leisure centre cashpoints.

19 June 2012

Murray Meikle

I challenge anyone to read this news story without singing in their head, “And it transpired, Curry Night were there to play, Crowded House and David Gray….”

19 June 2012

Horatio Cumberband IV

I feel like I’ve been cornered by a bloke who’s just discovered everything I’ve already read/ He’s pissed and he’s boring and he’s repeating stuff from ealier in the thread.

19 June 2012

BrumBiscuit

I’m not sure how much more tenuous we can get, but I noticed this morning that an estate I had hitherto passed by on a daily basis, has a road called Sanderling Drive. No soft verges or chevrons, as far as I know.

‘I’m sorry’ he gasped. ‘I really am. But you look like Half Man Half Biscuit. One side’s flesh coloured, the other side’s all brown and purple. Wild!’

Music journo Richard Barclay on his grilf, private investigator Kate Brannigan, after a Bad Man in a Transit has tried to force her off Barton Bridge and into the Manchester Shit Canal.

25 June 2012

SPENCER THE HALFWIT

Centre court amusement today at ball girl’s mishap. Offering an umbrella to player during a rain break and it turned inside out in the wind.

26 June 2012

Chris S

Quote from BBC on-line tennis commentary on 27th June 2012…

Ironically, the town of Monster, home of Sam Stosur conqueror of Arantxa Rus, has a population of only 11,000. Former football agent Eric Hall (“Monster, Monster”) loved it so much, he liked to say it twice…

Shudder. Is this how Smiths fans felt when Cameron said he was a fan? The Scum’s financial “journalist” has apparently hijacked NB57’s stuff in his drivel before, though not on the front page I think. There was something on the HMHB Yahoo list about something else he’d written a while back.

I shouldn’t let it bother me but it feels worse than when Littlejohn gave the lads in an irrelevant mention in a bigoted rant a couple of years ago.

29 June 2012

Littlegrafter

Just catching up with Top Of The Pops 1977 last night and the episode from a couple of weeks ago was a veritable PBR fest. Not only was there Skaggs singing Lido, but also Strawbs AND Alessi (though they didn’t actually play, grinning was deemed enough). Pistols, Ramones and Stranglers were in the chart but they didn’t get a run out.

Marc Riley discussed HMHB on his show this evening (5th, July 2012.) He has a feature whereby some chap (I forget his name, but I presume he is of the middle-aged, North-Western, media coterie – Mark Radcliffe, Stuart Maconie etc.) comes in with an old music paper. This evening he brought an MM from 1986 which contained an article about the Biscuits split (crumble!). Anyway, they played DDE, and Riley talked a little about the group, also confirming he was at their last Manchester show in December 2011. Probably available on iPlayer.

5 July 2012

MIKE IN COV

@Nathan, Bob Hughes, seems to turn up most Thursdays, bit of a Wonderful Radio1 spot IMHO.

From 1:32:44 on iPlayer. If you’re the “someone who requested this earlier”, A*, please identify yourself for your thoroughly-deserved plaudits.

An ignorant git writes: point me to this version of DDE for future reference.

I was conducting my (fruitless) research on the origins of Uffingham Wassail when this came on. I…

6 July 2012

littlegrafter

No so much a PBR, but a perfect place for one. The new Lloyd Webber, Jesus Christ Superstar, search for a star thing would do very well with a catchphrase of “Jesus Christ, Come On Down!”. Better than sitting on a crescent moon with a pair of red shoes thats for sure…

7 July 2012

Paul F

In a recent interview, David Hockney said he was annoyed with weather forecasters saying the weather would be bad. He quoted John Ruskin:

“Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”

I didn’t scoff.

11 July 2012

Paul F

In answer to Nigel’s question, “aplomb” is also used by commentators when they are not commentating, eg by Ray Wilkins, at John Terry’s trial.

11 July 2012

MIKE IN COV

Not a PBR, but a Perpetual Lyrics Project Reference.

I’m not sure how to put this, but

How many visits have us pedants made to this site

Without anyone noticing that “Back Again in the DHSS” requires capital ‘I’ and ‘T’ ?

12 July 2012

Someone lost

I pottered around the garden to escape England vs Italy, I was hoping to spot a marsh fratillary during Association.

12 July 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

You should have watched the game, we had one playing on the left side of midfield.

12 July 2012

MIKE IN COV

Top man that Marc Riley … I was conducting an unsuccessful-looking search when on comes Tommy Walsh’s Eco House (approx. 20:00). And now he’s playing a session version of Sixteen Again. I’m going to send him an electronic pat on the back.

12 July 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Now, I go and pick the wife up and listen to Marc Riley regularly at about 8pm weekdays. He often bungs a Biccie track in about that time; Dickie Davies Eyes last week. The above mentioned TWEH was followed by a short reflection on whether HMHB would ever make it abroad. Iceland was mentioned as a possible destination. No mention made of anything rotten in that choice.

12 July 2012

Drab Olive

Now then …heres a thought…

? Whos got the best name on this site ..

Thoughts ?

16 July 2012

Drab Olive

My vote goes to

Phil Cool

16 July 2012

Drab Olive

ala

Rubber Faced Irritant

16 July 2012

MIKE IN COV

As mine’s clearly one of the dullest, I cast an impartial vote for … Third Rate Les In His Burberry Fez (close call though). One of several I wish I’d thought of first.

But, @Drab Olive, if you want to rig the vote, I’m open to monetary persuasion.

16 July 2012

Drab Olive

That was my second choice !

16 July 2012

Rubber Faced Irritant

@Drab many thanks for your unexpected praise for my adopted moniker. This set me musing over whether we should all go to the next gig ‘in character’. Les would be easy to spot. I have mental images (the cognitive kind, not deranged ones) of the likes of Chigley Skin and your good self. And I could turn up with my fizzog wrapped in rubber bands.

Hang on. I need to think this through.

17 July 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Regarding the dramatis personae, Olive, I most admire those who remain ‘in character’. They do more than just post in the PBRs thread when they happen to encounter someone or something that HMHB once mentioned. They don’t just don the occasional Dukla Prague or Honved shirt – they live the dream, 24/7.

There’s Third Rate Les in his Burberry Fez, never yet encountered at a gig unless he was going a little too far with his salty songs from the old colonial days; the Vendor himself, of course, living every minute of his dysfunctional life as if it were a chapter of On the Road, which ironically he only pretends to have read. There was Bobby String, pottering away like a dyslexic Stringy Bob, until he was himself incarcerated for a series of public nuisance offences, mainly ornithological in their nature – life imitating art indeed, as it does for so many in this very thread. Last but not least irritating, there is the dyslogistic Charles Exford – any newbies who get wound up by him should remember that he seems to take his character notes from the inside sleeve of ‘Achtung Bono’ and he’s meant to be like that. They, and many other contributors, are the out-of-work method actors, going through these – the scripts – in the back of imaginary and yet very real cars, eating their raw, un-toasted pop-tarts or their multi-grain bars, whichever fits the role best. So Olive, ask yourself only ‘are my contibutions drab enough?’ and then you are sure to satisfy.

As for me? Well as you know I only exist in order create dyspeptic moments when someone, somewhere might just reckon the should’ve listened to me.

( Having said all that, Les is the only one whose name rhymes so he wins really).

19 July 2012

MIKE IN COV

Click here to learn about The Vaults Of Nagoh. I could get to like this guy.

You’re referring to tonight’s annual (pre-)amble at Kirklands – always Tranmere’s first or second pre-season friendly. Been once a few years back meself. Didn’t have a camera with me then meself but found a decent blog post here about a visit to the CLS&SC, which even has a photo of their Stannah to the stars. Do scroll down through the photos below the blog report and not only will you see a glorious full frontal of the CLS&SC itself (name abbreviated in recent years to fit the signage as much as anything probably), but you’ll also notice a sign that’s just asking for someone to add a “V” in tribute to the “Vow Wow wow wow” lyric.

23 July 2012

Charles Exford

@ Steve – how do you think that makes us feel? I don’t even know how to feel unless you take a slightly wider angle shot right out as far as Noel or even Oliver just to prove that there isn’t one for Nigel.

23 July 2012

Warden Hodges

Did actually go to a Lairds away to, of all places Nantwich in my FLWSTW t-shirt. Yes, one of the better clubhouses at Evo-Stik level.

23 July 2012

steve nicholls

@Charles – honestly, there wasn’t one.
I felt a bit conspicuous taking a photo of the Halfords key fob rack. I’ll never get asked back again.

24 July 2012

Charles Exford

I believe you Steve.

Number of Nigels named in each year, at 10-year intervals (with the addition of the peak year…1963).

Basically if Nigel was twirling it around anytime up to the mid-80’s he’d have found his fob, no problems, but the stats show now that there just isn’t the demand ….

Steve Lamacq has been asking, which songs have the same runtime as Olympic records. Apparently, for the women’s 100m breaststoke, it’s Petty Sessions (iPlayer 24/07/12@43:36). And he played it.

24 July 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

@ Exxo

Bleeding ‘ell, I was once again stumbling around the shack knocking over potions and stuff, in awe of the stats and knowledge you have at your fingertips. I was about to ask for your source but, I’m sure you won’t be surprised, I soon discovered it for myself.

Which led me to notice that on the world’s most bestest fount of all knowledge what is true and beyond all doubt and irrefutableness, the list of Notable men named Nigel contains 53 notable Nigels, none of whom shook the Wirral. An oversight which now sighted surely cannot remain one for long.

After a long day, filled from end to end with mithering fuckwits, including First Scotrail customer services sending me a third reply to a letter of complaint that now entirely contradicts the first two entirely contradictory accounts of why my bus replacement service didn’t appear; an abusive and patronizing christian man who told me I needed to ‘consider my pathway in life’ and seemed shocked by my lack of gratitude to him for this; a bunch of ignorant and illiterate Essex girls who seemed incapable of understanding why anybody might be annoyed with them for having ignored approximately 15 attempts to contact them; and a phonecall with my mother; I am now seeking solace in Half Man Half Biscuit and hard liquor. I therefore declare this National Shite Day.

30 July 2012

Gordo

£49.99 at Argos

though it doesn’t have the funk beat I had my heart set on

31 July 2012

Rubber Faced Irritant

Final issue of The Word has a series of listings – Good Things with Good Names; Good Things with Bad Names; Bad Things with Good…oh you get the idea. Any road up, HMHB are natch in the first category. More controversially, Channel Dave is in the second.

The Word was kind to HMHB. A decent interview with NB57. Favourable album reviews. Tracks on their free CDs (Blue Badge, Tommy Walsh).

RIP The Word.

2 August 2012

Gordo

NEC Nijmegen didn’t want to have “much much more” at their family fun day apparently

“No joy in Nijmegen for sure.”
“Barge to Waregem, ordinary to Enschede, hydrofoil to Nijmegen and a riot van to t’ nick.”
“Oh, but they still feel the need to board an EasyJet to Nijmegen every now and then…because you can’t get mad Dutch hooligans in Blackburn…”
“Can you hear the sirens wailing, Alice van der Meer?”

6 August 2012

Gordo

saw an advert on a train yesterday proudly announcing that 6 winners of the Turner Prize had studied at Goldsmiths and I couldn’t help wonder how many of them had coughed up blood

8 August 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

Crowd at the Olympic closing ceremony – they’ve got nothing but total respect for Annie Lennox.

And if I knew she was coming, I’d have slashed me wrists.

12 August 2012

John Burscough

Ditto Brian May.

13 August 2012

Paul F

I was on for a mediocre PBR on Friday which turned unexpectedly into a 24-carat one. We were seeing the in-laws and bemoaning the fact that there was nowhere worth going to roughly halfway between where we live and where they live, where we could meet up occasionally to save somebody having to do a 4 hour round-trip. My sister-in-law then suggested Billing Aquadrome. I resisted both obvious temptations (replying “I’ve never been to Billing Aquadrome” or telling all concerned about HMHB’s Epiphany) only for my sister-in-law to follow up herself with “I’ve never been to Billing Aquadrome”.

13 August 2012

Idi Amin

But didn’t Kip Keino look a veritable picture of wretchedness as the Ugandan anthem played?

13 August 2012

NoCanDo

After watching that effort of a closing ceremony last night, I can safely say that I wholeheartedly agree with Nigel. Rock and roll is indeed full of bad wools. I was waiting for Huw Edwards to give us a rundown of the night’s goings-on, and to finish with the words….and much much more.

Someone in Yahoo! Answers asked for opinions on his Slipknot cover. I posted a YouTube link to the obvious song of course. Now someone’s given my answer a thumbs-up. Bless.

17 August 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

It’s not half an hour since I made a posting in the Teenage Armchair Honved Fan thread, and noted a PBR in the post just above; and I’ve just fallen over this, quite by accident. Bliss.

17 August 2012

John Burscough

Triple PBR! Were the goalkeeper’s gloves to him tossed? Deep in injury time?

17 August 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

@John, the pundits will be dissecting my missed chance, and pointing out my lack of bottle on the Big Occasion, for years. Argggh. (Whimper.) I can only hope they’re distracted by this. “When you’re sitting in row Z, and the ball hits you on the head, it’s …”

17 August 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

Still struggling to come to terms with the magnitude of yesterday’s debacle, I turned to Chris Maslanka’s puzzles in today’s Guardian.

Q1. A certain newsy Radio 4 type remarked that a certain team was now “mathematically safe” …
Q4. Here is the hexagonal “quad” proposed for St Gad’s …

Well it’s some consolation.

18 August 2012

Strumski

Whilst visiting my sister in Dunfermline I had the misfortune to be dragged along to Dobies Garden Centre, however my disdain was lifted by the sight of Koi Carp magazine, sadly no one looking through them that could be taunted.

21 August 2012

Gregg Z

Again, not an ideal example of a PBR, but I just returned from a holiday with the family in the Outer Banks islands of North Carolina, USA. As our 7-hour drive was nearing conclusion, we encountered the quaint town of Sanderling, North Carolina.

I think perhaps we should have a thread for FPBRs (Foreign PBRs). As I’m sure Bobby String and any other auslanders on this site would agree, it’s awfully rare to spot the requisite convergence of pertinent cultural phenomena anywhere outside the Isles.

“Asparagus, Next Left” signs and the like are thin on the ground. Fortunately, you can find a Cadbury’s Flake, but you’ll pay through the nose. And Bunner’s is not planning on opening a sister shop in Detroit anytime soon…

25 August 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

Inter-Continental Biscuit Moments?

25 August 2012

Third Rate Les

Was out rowing today on the Thames and saw a boat moored by Surbiton marina called:
“James Jones – Goole”.

Got me pondering and realised this must have been a brilliant HMHB fan’s macabre joke about suicide pacts.

2 September 2012

Crown Green Bowler (29)

There was an outbreak of Vitas Gerulaitis on today’s Pointless. No one knew he’d been a number one seed in a grand slam …they’d obviously not asked Nigel.

The latest Saint Etienne record “Words and Music by Saint Etienne” has interesting art-work (linked to here – Ed). It’s a “fictional” map, streets included include places that have notable musical connotations, or streets that just mean something, I guess, to the band themselves. It looks rather pretty, but then I can’t help thinking it feels like the sort of tosh you’d find in a poncy gift-shop. But, I was looking closer this morning, and on one street corner there is none other than the Cammel Laird Social Club. I wonder why they’ve included it; SE don’t seem particularly “of” HMHB, and I can’t imagine it would resonate with too many people …maybe I’m just cynical. CLSC was (obviously) an ironic title, and this just seems doubly ironic; the joke being on them. They’ve had a nice idea, but produced the wrong result, and this is rather the way the entire record feels.

6 September 2012

Exxo

I agree only in small measure, Nathan. The map been my desktop image since Spencer posted about it in another thread. I keep it there because sometimes I have to do a vaguely music-related sort of powerpoint presentation to unknown groups and the map can be a kind of warm-up music quiz, which is surely more or less what the band intended it as – a quiz of sorts, a sort of game.

But over the months, as a real map-lover, it has started to annoy me that they didn’t give more thought to which name goes with which type of street. Surely “Ventura Highway” should be a highway? “Doubleback Alley” an alley? etc, etc. It could have been more perfect, and a more interesting map as well, but instead they’ve gone for an easier option.
However this is the only small aspect of a great idea that annoys me. It’s great that CLSC is there bang in the middle, surely situated deliberately near the Job Centre. And of course at least one member of St. Etienne must be a big Biscuits fan, or it wouldn’t be there. No need to question that, I don’t think, especially when the whole HMHB opus, live and recorded, is so eclectic and purist-irking in its breadth of musical reference. And it may or may not be a very _knowing_ reference too, in that St. Etienne’s cover is a sort of “coffee table discussion piece”, just as Nigel’s great line makes the point that the Buena Vista Social Club CD was more frequently displayed than played.

There is a seemingly deliberate mix of well-known and less well-known stuff in the map, which makes it a better ‘quiz’ for me, more inclusive for people who know loads and people who only know a few of the references.

Incidentally, somebody gave me this tea-towel as a present recently (the image only shows part of it). That one could have been done so much better, too, with a little more detailed research …and they should surely have found a corner for the 57th (equal) greatest Merseysiders …EVER!

6 September 2012

Nathan Richardson

Some interesting points indeed, Exxo. I feel rather guilty for having not given the cover more consideration; in truth, I came across it on the day of my comment, and it all feels now rather like an unfounded, hatchet job, but I live and learn.

Two points:
a.) How practical would it be to place a Highway in what looks to be drawn as the quintessential provincial town?
b.) I know of that map (such is the gift-shop feculence I mentioned!) and I share your dismay. I can’t find the entire version on the internet, but from my memory, it was all rather slipshod. I’m a Merseysider (or at least according to the mid-70s re-shuffle) and my own station was re-branded, I think, Roger McGough. McGough (as wonderful as he is) has no associations with my village, and so I don’t know why he finds himself in place of it. I understand that it would be difficult (and in some cases probably impossible) to have names corresponding to locations, and this wasn’t even, I’m sure, the premise of the map; rather just to convey how great and diverse Liverpool is, but nevertheless, I can’t help feel a little disappointed. Some names have been plucked and placed on a map, and as you so rightly say, one of thee names has been omitted. Although I’m sure NB lost no sleep over it. He’d have probably ruled over Formby, or somewhere equally terrible and inappropriate, and it hardly satisfies his “aesthetics,” or am I wrong?

I was on the 68 bus today heading up Priory Road, and when the bus came to a stop outside Stanley Park, I noticed a poster tied to the railings with the headline saying… Fun Day In The Park. Well as you can imagine (what with the bus pulling away, and all) my eyes chose to bypass all the relevant information and headed straight to the end of the text on the poster. And sure enough, there it was. Only instead of the “much, much”, it opted for “lots”.

I got straight on the phone when I got home. What, no Iguanas!?!

11 September 2012

Chris The Siteowner

More of a spot than a real PBR, but at the Dexys gig last night (fine shoes, incredible tunes, did more than flirt with brass and never rued it), I spotted Paolo Hewitt having a glass.

That’s a cover of Jeff Buckley’s Song of the Siren segging into Vatican Broadside, recorded in the BBC Manchester studios in 2002 for the John Peel Show and broadcast just before midnight I seem to remember.

13 September 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Tim Buckley. Song to The Siren. Same thing.

13 September 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

Mark Radcliffe in conversation with Ross Noble this afternoon revealed that he’d once played the studio egg-slicer on Steve Wright’s programme. He failed to react to my email supplying the obvious quotation, but I cheered up a couple of minutes later when they started talking about the band Slipknot (which I’ve recently discovered is also a Woody Guthrie song).

Cheers for that, Pop-Tart.
Your name has just reminded me of a song I once wrote about losing my girlfriend in my local church dancehall. It was called…I lost my tart in St Frank’s disco.

14 September 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

@ Gordo.

I don’t give a fcuk about your missing cat.

14 September 2012

s.g.d. a Shropshire Lad

I think that Bill Bailey has been listening to San Antonio Foam Party, on last night’s QI he said his dreams involve going to the shop for some milk and bread.

15 September 2012

s.g.d. a Shropshire Lad

oops, I thought that I was posting in lyrics in the media.

15 September 2012

Nigel Scott

Double PBR at the cinema today

Saw “Tower Block” – I didn’t score

and there was a trailer for “on the road”, that’ll save me reading it

23 September 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

To avoid cluttering this place up with equine ephemera I will generally keep my EBRs* to the Yahoo HMHB Group, where the faithful followers of my tips can vouch for a reasonable % profit (OK, just one follower but Rob seems grateful enough).

Today is an exception, as I do need to shout from the steeples that young SCRAPPER BLACKWELL is expected to break his duck in the rain at DUNDALK 6.30pm this evening. He’s 6/4 favourite and as well as the single, the double is tempting with VAN “Where be my camper” ROONEY who goes in the 8.30pm race (he’s available at about 11/2 2nd fav at the mo’).

But even more likely to weigh in first is a loveable scamp who describes himself as AGENT ARCHIE. This McCain/Maguire charge looks “a class above” in the 1.35 at STRATFORD Arts Centre so stop playing Pooh Sticks and get down William Hills while he’s still somewhere near 2-1. Should be odds-on IMHO.

Thanks for that A.R., at least that means some good has come of my second for the Scrapper, a third for Archie, and a “backed a five to one but came it at about a quarter to nine” for my camper Van Rooneyhoven.

I was thinking of launching a weekly service advising the good folk of the Biscuit world all about the weekend punting prospects, not just for EBRs but for all football teams referenced in HMHB songs, Korfball betting tips, predictions for the Siteowner about which fourballs will be waved through on the easy par fours at the Ryder Cup, etc etc.

But perhaps I’d best leave it for now eh?

28 September 2012

Android, Eyes Rolling

Drove to Snowdon from Bath with a friend from work on Saturday. There was no bottleneck at Capel Curig. Smooth driving all the way. Also, from what I could see, there was no-one napping between Glyder Fach and Glyder Fawr.

We’ll bring you more details as they emerge.

1 October 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

Brief glimpses of The Bear and the Goodyear Airship in the BBC Ryder Cup coverage. Not many Yipps, but several pairs of Misguided Trousers in the crowd (if not on Ian Poulter for once).

3 October 2012

Darren

Hmhb just given as a question on Eggheads. Shamefully, Barry did not know the answer, he referred to the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, and when the answer was given, Daphne turned her nose up – never liked her.

4 October 2012

Android, Eyes Rolling

“Back in the DHSS, Trouble Over Bridgwater and Achtung Bono are all albums by which satirical English band, formed in the 1980s”; that’s as near as I can remember the question. Embarrassing display of ignorance from the Eggheads.

A legendary fixture for Half Man Half Biscuit fans. Celebrating both the lyrical mastercism of “The Light at the End of the Tunnel (is the Light of an Oncoming Train)” and the LP “Cammell Laird Social Club”. This match is being sponsored by two HMHB fans as a celebration of the band.

Apologies if this relates to anyone who frequents this board, but I was walking on the other side of town this morning when a postman, spying my Achtung Bono t-shirt, told me that HMHB were the best band in the world. Now that’s a public servant with taste. Bet he doesn’t leave elastic bands in people’s driveways either.

6 October 2012

Exxo

1-2-3-4, it’s not only Rotherham posties that know the score.

Unless you were in Rotherham of course ?

6 October 2012

John Anderson

Just back from the Women’s Under 17 World Cup in Azerbaijan. The mascot was called Top Top Girl, sixteen teams were taking part and some were just a crock of shit.

7 October 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

“The word “top” means “ball” in Azerbaijani and, when children speak about “playing ball”, they refer to it as playing “top-top”. The English meaning of the word indicates a peak, or a highest point of anything.
The significance of this relationship was part of the reason why the name was chosen.”

But more importantly – any punting tips for the semis, John? “The Black Maidens” definitely have the best nickname.

7 October 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

A mascot called “playing ball girl”? Hm. The FIFA website describes her as “young, sporty and cool”.

Amnesty International and Sing For Democracy have urged Rihanna and Shakira not to sing at the competition, but have confined their arguments to human rights abuses by the Azerbaijani government.

The things you learn on this site.

7 October 2012

John Anderson

@PTM. I would back North Korea who are are very good, but all 21 players have identical haircuts which is a commentator’s nightmare. @AR The best ref’s name is Claudia Umpierrez (which she probably wishes she’d been instead). Rihanna’s backing singers and dancers stayed at our hotel.

8 October 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Boom-boom-boom,
Let me hear you say Kim So Hyang!

Brilliant tipping John! 2-1 to the mighty haircut of the blessed leader of the people’s team! Death to the capitalists who dare to quietly question the autheticity of their birth certificates!

5/2 they were to win. And nearly 6/4 DNB. No odds were available for them to win outright before today’s game but watch this space.

9 October 2012

BrumBiscuit

Giving blood yesterday, they must have had a nostalgia slot on Radio 2 because Peelie’s dulcet tones swept across the room closely followed by a Captain Beefheart track.

Sadly, a Primark FM moment spoiled it all when Steve Wright interjected.

10 October 2012

Charles Exford

This clip’s doing the rounds on the football sites at the moment, so apologies if you’ve seen it, but it did remind me that there was at least one season with Leicester and at least one with Liverpool when I didn’t wonder why Emile Heskey was getting paid as well.

I despise facebook so it has to be something special to make me try to go there. Therefore imagine my chagrin when I tried but could not find your listing.

So, talking of something special, what I need to know to tempt me along on the day is – is singing the New Mills chant behind the goal guaranteed? i.e. do you solemnly promise to start it, whatever the numbers?

11 October 2012

quiffy

i feel a bit guilty for this one, but a bloke i knew as another dad from the schoolyard that was also a leeds fan who i’d bump into at elland road occasionally, put himself in front of a train recently with the inevitable consequence.

naturally i was shocked and then saddened but it was an inappropriately short time before ‘the coroner’s footnote’ and then ‘dead men don’t need season tickets’ sprung to mind.

12 October 2012

RickAllen’sArm

I was listening to a load of random HMHB tunes last night, and there was one where it begins with Nigel shouting something about not being a mind reader to a car driver, and then weirds out.
Anyone know which one it is?

Fantastic news. 41 coffee bars to go in Totnes, and then they can take on the idiots, the pigeons, the umbrellas, etc.

[By the way, has anyone noticed that now the pigeons have gone from Birkenhead precinct, and the seagulls are suspiciously absent too, there’s always bloody starlings all over the place ?]

25 October 2012

BrumBiscuit

Not really a PBR, but I was on the hmhb.co.uk site earlier and saw the “Laugh at an American” link at the bottom of the ACD discography page. Very, very amusing!

26 October 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

Stumbled upon an ITV film unit busy on the production of an episode of Vera at Belsay Hall, Northumbria yesterday. Set was full of coppers and paramedics suggesting that someone gets shot in act 1 scene 1, but judging by the money invested in Brenda Blethyn’s RV I doubt that it was her.

26 October 2012

Gordo

techincally speaking, the other week it was enter Ruddock right on Soccer AM the other week, but you get the idea

n.b he didn’t put anybody in a headlock and the rock n roll guest wasn’t a bad wool since he was a proper Notts County supporter

Following the appearance in the FA cup yesterday of Yate, the kind of town referees come from, and today of Thomas Hardy’s own beloved Dorchester Town, and with the mighty Tranmere on terrestrial TV at lunchtime today for the first time in years and probably the last in who knows how long…well you’d think the cup draw & the TV schedules had been selected by HMHB fans, wouldn’t you?

So fellow Biscuiteers have understandably been clamouring to ask me for the canny punting angles. Do ‘The Iron’, a window factory team from Braintree, managed by ex-Hammer Alan Devonshire of course, have a defence capable of keeping out a prolific Rovers attack which has being doing its business about sixty-odd league places above them? Personally I’d say not, and would go for:
Decent bet on Tranmere to win & Jake Cassidy to score any time 15/8 BetVictor
Smaller go on Tranmere to win and Andy ‘Robbo’ Robinson to score any time from midfield (he takes each and every hotly-disputed penalty)… 19/4 BetVictor.

Meanwhile in the 4.30 pm kick-off, prospects of behemoth-slaying seem more realistic, with less than forty league places of separation. Like Braintree, Dorchester Town are currently playing at their highest level ever. As well as Thomas Hardy, former players include Michael Henchard, Judge Jeffreys, Trevior Senior and the Tolpuddle martyrs of course. But Dorchester are decent at home, and will tear into their Devonian guests with the ferocity they usually reserve for their local county derby against fierce rivals Weymouth. The Casterbridgians will even consider they have royal authority to crush the Devonians into the dirt, as their home ground, like nearby Poundbury of course, is owned by the Duchy of Cornwall. I’d go for Dorchester draw-no-bet (DNB fols is when you get your stakes back if it’s a draw) with Paddy Power at 11/5, and that combines well with the Tranmere win at almost 9/2.

Meanwhile on the ‘nent it should be a decent day to play the old “Ordinary to Enschede treble”. Twente Enschede themselves are going well in the league at home and host Feyenoord at 1.30 pm our time today. However, the best odds available of 7/10 look rather ordinary to me, but I certainly wouldn’t take any less for that single.

Waregem too are going well, and are barging on up the table just behind Anderlecht with a great away record at the moment, but face a tough task at FC Brugge at 5pm this afternoon, so I’d go draw-no-bet which at around 5/2 with most firms is splendid value

Meanwhile off on the hydrofoil to Malmo, where it’s the final dramatic day of the Swedish league season today, with Malmo still in with a slim outside chance of the title, or a better one of clinching a Europa League place for next year. They also have a tough away tie at AIK, so again draw-no-bet should be the play at around evens or slightly better.

I wouldn’t necessarily do those bets as singles but the Enschede win, Waregem DNB & Malmo DNB treble (or even maybe a Trixie??) has a place in my heart then (at around 10-1 with firms like b365, Hills, BetVictor and PaddyPower).

By now you’ll be asking what about Dukla Prague? Honved? Strømsgodset? On a weekend when so far only Farnborough Town, of all teams referred to in Biscuit lyrics, have suffered a loss (in the last minute at sparkling Bath City), it can be no coincidence that all these teams also play their top flight games this afternoon.

Strømsgodset’s league is also nearing its climax as the Norwegian winter closes in around the fjords. In a match that could help decide the title and European placings, they host Rosenborg at 6pm today and are worthy favourites on their home form, but It needs to be good odds against say at least 5/4 before I’d back them as a single.

Dukla have had an indifferent season back in the top flight and have had little joy in their away kit but I fancy them to perhaps hold their hosts Brno to a dour draw today at 4pm.

Mid-table Honved have the toughest task today, away at Hungarian league leaders Győri, and I would suggest treacherously backing the latter from the comfort of your armchair. in fact the double of Tranmere to win and Honved to lose might be my punt of the day.

Incidentally, Puskas FC currently lead the Hungarian second division and along with Elgin, Nairn & Accy Stanley are amongst the Biscuit-referenced teams to have enjoyed great form yesterday. Elgin fired five past East Fife, exactly as one would have hoped for a team who are such a perfect anagram for “Nigel”.

Rovers kick off at 12.30 pm on ITV. Who knows when they’ll next be on your telly, next have a team this decent, or next be on top od=f a division? Enjoy it while it all lasts.

4 November 2012

Pop-Tart Mark

Bugger. By the time I’d finished typing all that the Tranmere game had been postponed. Was looking forward to that more than slightly. What’s the point of covering the pitch after rain if it’s not got decent drainage?

Steve Lamacq has just read out a story from a listener which involved a bus replacement service.

5 November 2012

Crown Green Bowler (29)

Was making the kids’ tea last night. I say ‘making,’ I put a ham and pineapple pizza in the oven. Did a double take at the packaging, but it turns out that is how you spelll Hawaiian.

5 November 2012

Jim Poole

Just realised that as I’m working on the M1 J28-31 and J32-35a Managed Motorways Scheme I am in fact one of those “Widening the Motorway” whilst you’re all hopefully “Capturing the Zeitgeist” in Mr Walsh’s low carbon footprint pad.

Just thought I’d share…

6 November 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

RadMac have just had a witter with Alkerpops about switching off Blackpool lights and seemed to think they should do it. I’d rather they just shut up for long enough to play a HMHB track.

7 November 2012

Crown Green Bowler (29)

Catching up on last week’s Pointless episodes yesterday when I came face to face with a photo of Kendo Nagasaki.

I was much dismayed when none of the contestants wanted to put a tennis racquet up against their face…

7 November 2012

lord hereford

I abused a blue badge, yesterday, in Hull

7 November 2012

Richard Lovell

Curse those in charge of plots…

“There are fears people could be buried in the wrong plots after errors were uncovered in records for two cemeteries in Northumberland…”

Was back visiting my mum at the weekend and found my old copy of ‘A Diary of Yesteryears’ by Tony Bastable.

14 November 2012

Crown Green Bowler (29)

Seems like Nigel’s a fan of Pointless…it got a ‘shout out’ at last night’s gig in Newcastle. Strictly not a PBR; more of a PBRR.

16 November 2012

Charles Exford

You are the (Personal Biscuit) Referee. Inspired by an incident in our Sunday league match today.

While the ball is out for a throw, a frisky young husky runs onto the field of play and is romping around merrily on our pitch, generating a warmth among the dog-lovers on our team (my own dear hound is half husky himself, so I can certainly see the funny side).

But Bruiser McHuge is playing at the back for the opposition, and berates the passing dog walker (who has nothing to do with either team) thus:

“Oi can’t you keep ‘im on an effing lead, you effing nonce.”

When, rather than just walking away John, I ask the ref for a card of some sort for the probable steroid abusing stopper, am I within my rights or am I myself more deserving of a yellow?

18 November 2012

vendor of quack nostrums

Ref just needs to run backwards up to McHuge and quietly whisper the word ‘pleat’ to the ignorant, foul-mouthed, swarthy git. Problem solved.

18 November 2012

Richard Lovell

Just overheard someone at work say they went to the (sic) ‘Steeperstones’ at the weekend.

Maybe she went with Mary Hopkins and they had a read of Revelations.

20 November 2012

Crown Green Bowler (29)

Another Pointless one here…the round was ‘chemical elements in French’…one of the best answers was…lead. Where else apart from commentaries would you hear that?

Overtook a Norbert Dentressangle lorry this morning…I’d never seen any years following purchase of TLP and now I find them all the time. No sign of North Staffs. Police though.

21 November 2012

John Anderson

I’ve just reached the point in Pete Townshend’s autobiography where The Who and Jimi Hendrix engage in a running order squabble fest at Monterey in 1967.

21 November 2012

Scott

Was about an hour and a half before the game, so I don’t know how many men with steel hearts were about, but there was a stray dog on the Carrow Road pitch before the Norwich-Man United game on Saturday.

They still haven’t found the owner.

21 November 2012

BrumBiscuit

A self-sourced one today. My sister’s house was flooded overnight and I was helping with the clear up. This included emptying the lounge so we could get the carpet up and replacing the furniture. As we were finishing, the words “it makes the room look bigger” slipped out of my mouth and I had to suppress a little snigger, as that would not have been the done thing under the circumstances!

25 November 2012

Vendor of Quack Nostrums

Received notification of this course today. Which brought a wry smile to my face as I dismissed any notion of venturing south to The Smoke in order to view business decisions from a fresh perspective, challenge the pre-conceptions that limit my thinking or design a bloody toolkit to change commercial practices in my workplace. (Might yet send a junior employee however).

I did ponder the idea of firing off an email asking if any of the course facilitators would be prepared to die for Flintlock, as that I would be prepared to travel south for. ‘See Flintlock and die’ as I believe Goethe once said. L’enfer, c’est les autres? Maybe. Or alternatively, Hell is being stuck in the TOTP studio circa 1976.

Anyone who thinks that “using the private sector’s techniques to solve public sector problems” is worth trying has never worked in industry. People in the company I used to work for had forceful opinions about overpriced bullshitters, similar to those induced by Miriam Stoppard. VoQN, perhaps you should offer to sell them your username.

27 November 2012

Dagenham Dave

Chatted with Ray Stubbs in a pub last night, turns out he’s a Tranmere fan. He also told me some amusing stuff about the time Mark E Smith read the footy results.

28 November 2012

John Anderson

I think I’m right in saying Ray actually played for Tranmere reserves a couple of times.

I think in circles other than HMHB and alt. music afficionadoes, Ray is by far Tranmere’s best-known ‘celebrity fan’. He was on their books for years as a lad, and went on to play for the reserves, finally becoming the club secretary for a few seasons. From there I seem to remember he became Radio Merseyside’s Tranmere reporter, and so on in gradual adjacent steps to being the charismatic international megastar he is today. Good bloke though by all accounts. I always imagined Ray was the reason why ‘I went to a wedding’ ended up being played to Brad Friedel on FF. Did you talk to him about whether he’s a Biscuitista, DD?

Remembering Ray playing for the reserves makes me chuckle about how his brother Russell, a young buck at our school who was not shy in throwing his weight around, used to think having a footballer brother was another thing that made him (the brother) the natural leader of the pack. He thought was in charge of all the lads who were in the school cadets, and by default everyone else. Mind you, I think he was head boy, rugby captain and all that shit too (but I can’t really remember). I do know that we used to sing, with considerable irony, “I wish I could be like Russell Stubbs” to the Jam tune of a similar title.

Someone told me he met his end driving a tank off a cliff or something while he was at Sandhurst. Sad.

28 November 2012

Dagenham Dave

Didn’t get a chance to mention HMHB, will do next time as he’s a regular at the White Hart in Barnes

Brilliant Gordo, you’ve made a happy man very old – that was a great Friday night’s viewing, bringing back so many Prenton Park memories, though I wasn’t around much in that that 1982-83 season meself (I was away drinking snakebite in halls and all that).

As well as that bit in Part Four, Ray Stubbs also appears in the first of the four 10-minute segments, where he’s revealed to have won the previous week’s “guess the gate” sweepstake among the TRFC staff. Then there’s a young Clive Tyldesley asking the pertinent questions outside the boardroom door in the 3rd part of the documentary, and my own personal favourite of many moments of unintentional comic delight, when one of the old directors laments the passing of the five-and-a-half-day week as a key reason behind the demise of football attendances, somehow neglecting to mention the mass unemployment which in 1982 had most northern football crowds at their lowest ever ebb, but was especially crippling on Merseyside.

1 December 2012

Charles Exford

By the way, through vague association with that documentary, any HMHB lyrics PhD students out there looking for a bit of background on what it was like to be a school-leaver on Wirral in about 1979 (and I know there are many such hanging around The Project looking for titbits), I notice that Kev Sampson’s fillum ‘Awaydays’, broadcast last Monday night, is available on the BBC i-player for a couple more days. A fictional impression but the bleak, nihilistic cultural vision is spot-on for our generation, footy violence or no footy violence. Decent soundtrack. And Mrs Exford’s cousin is in it. Her out of ‘Shameless’.

1 December 2012

Bruiser McHuge

There was a fella on Flog It last week with a box of Scalextric and a box of Subbuteo. No sign of a dodgy transformer though.

I couldn’t help thinking that he was probably one of those kids who once thought he was better than everyone else.

3 December 2012

Peter Gandy

“Christ, that’s good,” was the overwhelming reaction from Turner Prize judges to Elizabeth Price’s winning entry. One judge, who wished to remain anonymous, summed it up thus: “It reminded me of Talulah Gosh. Wow, what a girl!”

Ed’s note: (link) – now this is what I call a proper PBR worth reporting – see notes at the top of the page. A few more of these please, we’ve been lapsing into “Ooh, someone mentioned Fred Titmus on the telly” recently.

The suspect at 2:10 and 6:41 on the video you have provided has indeed been positively identified by our operatives as the man we have been seeking since 1985.

The problem is that because Granada wrongly describe it as the first home match of the season (it was the third home game, the second in the league; it wasn’t even the first time they’d hosted Chester that season), we still can’t prove that the suspect and his publicity-seeking entourage were in Prenton on that last August afternoon of 1985.

The moustache had been shaved off by the time the album came out 5 weeks later.

5 December 2012

warden hodges

Yes Gordo, a very familiar face in the stand!

5 December 2012

ACIDIC REGULATOR

@Gordo, if that spot isn’t worth some sort of award, I don’t know what is.

Unusual target market.

5 December 2012

Bruiser McHuge

I always imagined Nigel would have been a stand-up type of lad on the terraces. Looks like being a part-time musician did pay off after all. It was an extra 20p to sit in the Prenton Park royal box.

What a snob!

9 December 2012

Ibi Lux

Strange comment, Bruiser. They are clearly on their feet and standing at the front of the terrace, the old Paddock it would appear. The most likely reason that they are at the front is that at least one of the party wouldn’t otherwise be able to see any of the action.

Right you are, IBI. My only excuse for such an obvious mistake is that I’m really short-sighted in one eye….so much so that I’m known as “Your Majesty” in the kingdom of the blind.

It was probably the girl you’re referring to, which made me think they were seated. Silly me.

11 December 2012

CROWN GREEN BOWLER (29)

Dave Gorman just confirmed that the best surface for writing on with a Biro is indeed a slipper on The Infinite Monkey Cage Podcast

11 December 2012

Facebook Mum

I irked a purist at the back at the Holmfirth gig. I was trying to convince myself it was silly but acceptable to sway with scarf held aloft (to Rhinestone Cowboy!) and got a tap on the shoulder and a telling off. I’m still struggling to get over the mortification but if I see him again, in the spirit of 24 hour Garage People, I’m going to do the fucking Gangnam Style dance all around him.
Was I contravening a HMHB lyric law?

14 December 2012

BrumBiscuit

@Facebook Mum

Depends, what sort of scarf was it?

14 December 2012

BrumBiscuit

There was a report on Midlands Today on the Wolves v Honved match played at Molineux on 13/12/54 last night. I wasn’t even born, let alone a teenager. Anyhow, it was a good bit of telly (even though Nick Owen is the host). And Ron Atkinson was a teenage Wolves fan at the game. I think they were trying to claim that the match was a bit of a catalyst for the formation of the European Cup, but I’m not so sure. 3:2 to Wolves, in case you’re wondering, though the home side did water the pitch during heavy rain to sabotage the Magyars silky, skillful passing game.

Boiler packed in over Xmas, bloke who’s been fitting the new one told me he was in the process of building an Eco-house which Sky TV were going to be filming for a new series. I asked him “Have you seen Tommy Walsh’s Eco-House?” (earning me a roll of the eyes from the lovely Elizabeth).

When watching Manchester City on television and the commentator happens to mention their No. 18 midfielder, I simply have to say out loud the word ‘herpes.’ It’s an automatic reaction that I can do nothing about. I fear other people may think me strange, but surely others on this website suffer from the same problem?.

8 January 2013

Crown Green Bowler (29)

RadMac currently discussing dogs on football pitches…

10 January 2013

Third Rate Les

See latest edition of Viz.
It’s not as funny as it used to be, but there’s an episode of “Mr Logic” at the back which is entirely devoted to the proposition that a swan can break your arm.

Out walking the hound this morning over some post industrial reclaimed Northumbrian landscape that declares itself to be a country park, whilst remaining a spoil tip shoddily covered with course grass, topped with 3 concrete drill bits purporting to be art. Who should be yomping over the soggy, slaggy, messy, man made mountain but Robson Green, hotly pursued by a film crew, diligently filming some ITV nonsense about how the North was hewed from granite in t’olden days. I tried to maneuver him towards a small bridge left over from the colliery tram track, in order to take a photograph, but he was having none of it. Quick chat about dogs, then he was gone, striding purposely off, possibly to find a fish to club to death, or something.

27 January 2013

Mr Larrington

The BigCo in whose service I toil has sub-let part of the building to a commercial property agency. Their name:

Derrick Wade Waters.

29 January 2013

Socrates

I went to Matlock Bath the other day to purchase tickets for the upcoming gig. Across the road is a Restaurant selling a dish for people who can’t decide between fish or scampi, called Half Fish/Half Scampi. Surely Grimsbys finest tribute band!!!!!

7 February 2013

Papal Aide

Slipknot are to resign their office at the end of this month in an unexpected development, saying they are too old to continue. Though in Medieval times such developments were not unknown, this is thought to be the first resignation by a Nu-Metal band in the modern era, which has usually been marked by leaders of the faith dying while still in office, often in pools of their own vomit.

In a statement, the band said: “After having repeatedly examined our consciences before God, we have come to the certainty that our mental and physical strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of our ministry.

The BBC’s Alan Johnston in Des Moines, Iowa says the news has come “out of the blue”, and that there had been no speculation whatsoever about the move in recent days. Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti is quoted as saying he is “greatly shaken by this unexpected news”.

Back in 1995, Slipknot’s Corey Taylor was one of the oldest Nu-Metal singers in history when first elected. His alleged days in the Hitler Youth movement when growing up, added to his hard-line conservative views on issues like whether or not Metal fans should be allowed to procreate, made him an obvious choice for the role but have often put him at odds with reforming movements within the religion. Although Taylor was said by followers to favour the return of compulsory Latin for the black mass, it was also reputed that he could grunt or scream Christmas and Easter greetings in more than a hundred languages – more even that Pope John Paul, George or Ringo put together.

A Vatican spokesman, Father Federico Panini, said that even the Pope’s closest aides did not know what Slipknot were planning to do and were left “incredulous.” He added that “when the singer first came to Rome to see the Pope, he said “who the fucking hell are Slipknot, in relation to me getting out of bed ?” but since then their jolly tunes have grown on him, soon taking the place of Judas Priest as the alarm tone he has selected on his iPhone to wake him for early mass. Father Panini said that The Pontiff had come to think of the band as an integral part of the Papal Entourage, who have given us so many unforgettable songs over the years.

Some years ago Slipknot contrioversially became alleged murder suspects, after a shooting at a show by fellow Nu-Metallers Korn, but the masked perpetrators of this crime and of a bungled assassination attempt on Pop-Metal fourpiece Motley Crue, where the assassins unfortunately ran out of ammunition, could never be conclusively identified.

The Vatican says it expects the period between Slipknot’s resignation and the election of their successors to be as brief as possible, but there has been no confirmation on when the College of Cardinals will meet to choose a Nu-Metal Band.

As speculation began as to who would succeed the band, many experts point to the Death Metal outfits from the developing world who have been coming to the fore over recent years. Cardinal Ratzinger’s own band The Scorpions memorably sang about this ‘Wind of Change’ during their headline set at the Second Vatican Council. High street bookmakers have cut odds that the next Slipknot will be of African origin to just 3/1.

Got me ticket for matlock bath, yay, 1st time for a HMHB gig chaps (so be gentle with me) due to producing too many offspring, cash flow etc. Will it be very cheesy of me to wear the old Dukla Prague away top what the kids bought me? Please advise? (It’s almost compulsory – Ed) Well looking forward to it. Doing the old dyslexic twins bit (two birds one stone) and taking the grandchildren to gullivers/heights of abraham sat, sun with nanna so hopefully will be back on the team, see you all there.

13 February 2013

Cynical Uncle Charlie

Whist sat in the waiting room at the Doctors on Monday, I received the e-mail with news of the postponed Sheffield HMHB gig. This prompted me to check out what other bands are touring at the moment.

To my horror I discovered that Journey are playing Birmingham. It made me worry that the Doc was going to tell me I only have 6 weeks to live.

I was mildly impressed to hear Brad Friedel on Danny Baker’s 5Live show yesterday. I don’t think he said anything about I went to a Wedding…, but I was fast-forwarding and he might have done. There’s possibly a deeply rooted message in there about the glib way society gets its entertainment, but me, I just can’t stand Danny Baker.

17 February 2013

Mac

Friedel was played the song during a Football Focus interview a couple of years ago. He didn’t seem impressed/aware

19 February 2013

Paul F

Recently a car in front of me didn’t indicate to go down Woodcote Lane. Well, it’s a lane that goes to Woodcote anyway.

23 February 2013

TAYLO

I haven’t searched through the whole thread but in case it hasn’t been said, Props to Twisted Kite Mike as he is the man who coined the phrase “Life is a Perpetual Biscuit Reference” and therefore the phrase PBR.

I am however responsible for the moniker NB57.

25 February 2013

twistedkitemike

Ah, the heady days of the Yahoo email forum thing.

I checked and I stored 12,584 emails from 23rd June 2004 to date. Still saving the ones that come through anf taking up valuable byte space stuff.

It is worth noting between whom NB57 was sandwiched and I would do so if I could remember.

it only occurred to me last week that I had a bit of a double PBR experience back in 2004 when I attended a secret gig (shhh) at the Borderline. The headline act were the Andmoreagains which was the covert name for Arthur Lee and Love . Arthur was starting to decline mentally and physically at this point and due to his slightly sub-standard performance I sometimes think instead of Arthur Lee I’d have preferred some Arthur Lowe

I agree with the “Vendor”– I prefer to believe the song/video links on this site are more of a help than a hindrance to the group. I’ve tried whenever possible to buy directly from Probe Plus, and have never burned a copy of an HMHB disc for a friend. I’ve gotten a few mates into their music and always refer them to this site, rather than “giving” them copies of the songs. Besides, I’m of a mind that those of us stateside fans benefit most particularly from having a glossary of lyrical references. I think the music is enhanced immeasurably when you know what Nige is talking about. Frankly, even after consulting the “decoder”, I don’t always know what he’s on about. Maybe I’m just a thick Yank.

Haven’t posted in a long while, as I’ve been busy organizing a US tour for the Monochrome Set (their first in over 30 years….?!). Has soaked up a considerable amount of my “free time”, but well worth it.

12 March 2013

BrumBiscuit

I have just got back from ASDA where I bought 36 bottles of ale ( 4 for £5 – very good deal). I deliberately made sure that there was nothing less than 5% ABV. And yes, I am in CAMRA. Get thyself to the chapel of Walmart UK fast.

12 March 2013

Stuart

First post. Great site. Been lurking for a while, resolving 20-odd year old lyrical mysteries, wondering if I’ll ever have anything to contribute, then suddenly this hits me from out of nowhere and I can’t read it without a tune playing in my head…

No telephone number unfortunately so can’t ask about the ‘lots more’.

12 March 2013

Spike

Don’t go to York ASDA…it’s now 3 for £5

17 March 2013

CROWN GREEN BOWLER (29)

Looks like people are still competing for some kind of championship…no sign of a Dukla Prague away kit though…

I spent four hours of my life yesterday at an IT sales meeting. Useful as it was, in parts, it was tedious stuff. Until that is, Steve from a Chester school stood up. He had the Wirral accent, he had the NB57 haircut, he was as wiry as NB57 and the only thing that let down the “act” was his sharp suit. His sense of humour was fairly close too. I approached him after the event & asked if he’d heard of HMHB. He hadn’t, but said he would look them up, as did another sales rep who looked like one of those characters you used to create from that toy where you had to move iron filings around a head with a magnetic stick. Bald on top, egg-shaped head and a big, bushy beard. There must be a song in there somewhere.

22 March 2013

BrumBiscuit

@Spike. Told you to be quick! Three for a fiver in Leamington too now. Glad I got my £35 quidsworth.

Undoubtedly more culturally significant than the house where Mike Oldfield grew up.

5 April 2013

Paul F

Bonus PBR!

“To coincide with the launch there will also be a secret gig event on Saturday 6th of April, two public seminar events and a weekend of guided tours around the heritage trail. “

5 April 2013

Paul F

Incidentally, the afore-mentioned Mr Mitchell wasn’t even in It Bites when they had their one hit. £25,000 of public money to prove conclusively that the sum total of Reading’s contribution to popular music is zero.

5 April 2013

Dr Desperate

They might broaden the appeal by including the house where Kenneth (R-A-D-A) Branagh lived from the age of 9, or Reading Aero Club where Douglas Bader crashed in Dec 1931.

5 April 2013

ACIDIC REGULATOR

Stuart Maconie has just talked to someone on The Chain who makes transformers for a living. SM recalled a Scalextric kit he had as a child, with a transformer which had a habit of emitting smoke and cutting out. Earlier, he’d read out an email from someone who used to play Subbuteo against himself (left hand vs right hand).

8 April 2013

cyclops

At work today(shipping and logistics), deep joy. HGV driver with a big mullet(seriously) turns up requiring assistance and was very cross due to things not going his way! So yay for me!. . . . . . “did he have a mallet? and did he go to Millets? cropped up during the discussion/altercation. He had no clue!! me, inside, PMSL but outside maintained composure. If the said driver had dynamite for brains he wouldn’t have had enough to blow his hat off but ssshhhhh. Millets still exist?

10 April 2013

cyclops

it does, just googled it, cheers now

10 April 2013

John “Shorts” Waters

Been sort of friendly with a girl for a while and sent her link to “Descending the Stiperstones” only to discover she was in Bunners when she received it – serendipitous (I won’t mention when she was behind a manure truck on the way back from Oxford

25 April 2013

DaveK

A friend was having trouble removing the foil from a Dairylea triangle the other day. I suggested she use an equilateral chainsaw.

26 April 2013

Dagenham Dave

Popped into the bookies to hear the radio commentary say “Monmore hare’s running”.

Made my day

26 April 2013

Excavated Rita

@Davek strictly speaking, she would need an isosceles chainsaw. Thanks for bringing this up; it has been bothering me for years.

28 April 2013

vendor of quack nostrums

@ER.

A pedant writes: (on this site, surely not).

Neither isosceles, equilateral or scalene. The necessary chainsaw should be one which can hew out a sector. Said triangles are actually made of dubious cheese goo framed by two radii and an arc.

29 April 2013

Excavated Rita

@Vendor as a legend of this site I bow to your maths (or math as our American cousins would have it). But a Dairylea triangle (nor a Laughing Cow for that matter) is not equilateral. Hence my discomforture.

30 April 2013

vendor of quack nostrums

To be honest I haven’t eaten one for a while – getting a piece of tinfoil stuck down the side of a dodgy filling is a pain that once experienced is never forgotten – but from memory dairylea triangles are not triangular. If they were, they wouldn’t fit in a circular container. They are, math speaking, a sector. They are more isoscelesy than equilaterally but, strictly speaking, they are neither.

30 April 2013

Paul F

The office I was working in yesterday had a fire so I was stuck outside for an hour and a half with a reality-impaired colleague that I hadn’t seen for a while. She was telling me about her Schnauzer’s twitter account.

(NB “Schnauzer” is not a euphemism).

2 May 2013

Dr Desperate

Not wanting to become involved in a triangular argument, @ExR + VoQN, but I suspect the chainsawed triangles are supposed to be of cow, not Dairylea, and could therefore be of whatever side ratio you wish.
(I think this abrupt lurch from telly-advert tweeness to blood-splattered literalism, and the cheerful disregard for normal syntax, were among the first indications that we had a genius on our hands.)

5 May 2013

gargoyle 100

On ‘The A-Z of gardening’ this morning on BBC 1 they were singing the praises of a rose called ‘A Shropshire Lad’.

12 May 2013

Mr Larrington

Having spent most of the last three days on hold while trying to get an appointment with my GP, it has just occurred to me that the godawful rendition of “There’s No Place Like Home” one is forced to listen to for fifteen minutes until being suddenly being cut off was almost certainly played on an instrument obtained from a well-known high street retailer.

For £24.99…

17 May 2013

Gordo

a colleague just informed me that he was a little on the slow side in returning his father’s blue badge after he died

Jesus Christ on a junior motorbike – £2.75 for a crappy pin badge!! I hope his/her stall gets overrun by the Stromsgodset Under fives next time they’re in town.

Mrs. Exford is an ebay addict, but a frugal one, so she probably paid less than that for the full set of Dukla Prague tie pin, cufflinks & pin badge that she’s just given me today as one of me half century stocking fillers. Together with a Honved shirt (fairly recent vintage, and signed by whoever was number 27). Gonna have to wear it at the next gig I suppose. Not the tie pin though. She’s also got me me first pair of DM boots in about 20 years, so apologies for your moshed-on toes in advance.

Not doing much for the birthday itself today – Wednesday’s child is a bit of an arl Eeyore and all that – but celebrations began in earnest last night when I reached a target of 50 goals in my 50th year in our weekly park football games.

Off to Attila’s ‘Glastonwick’ festival as usual this weekend, then trying to find a way to get to Glasgow on the 7th.

29 May 2013

Joey Deacons Disciples

I have just been informed that Mr Kowalski has also recently died. He was part way through a 30 yr stretch in a Supermax jail. Damn those meddling kids. He would have got away with it too.

I’ve just got back from a long weekend playing cricket in the Netherlands (a title I will happily sell to HMHB for the brown envelope full of used notes traditionally used in football bungs), and have been hideously bugged every time I saw a sign to the place by “Joy in Leeuwarden” as an earworm. My love for NB57 has been very sorely tested!

31 May 2013

vendor of quack nostrums

I share your pain Alice. A few months ago I descended from Schiphol airport to the rail lines below, only to notice as the train rumbled towards the platform that it was heading to Enschede rather than Amsterdam Central. Whilst trying to justify myself to the Vendoress (“I thought you said you knew the Dutch transport system like the back of your hand”), man-handle two suitcases back into the lift and calculate if we were likely to miss our connection, I found myself singing through gritted teeth (aloud I might add) ‘Barge to Waregem……’

31 May 2013

Alken

Tonight (4 June 2013, sometime after teatime) on Eastenders, Dot Cotton, doyen of tedious bible quotations for the last 4,000 years, referred to the Book of Revelation as “Revelations”.

Dot, I thought, there’s no ‘s’, it’s the Book of Revelation, as revealed to St John the Divine.

Deck the halls with boughs of folly,
‘Tis the season to buy asparagus…

Driving back from Zumerzet on Monday, I saw hundreds, well about five, crudely drawn signs – and one rather professional effort – advertising the fact that asparagus officinalis could indeed be purchased if one chose to divert off to the next left.

I didn’t.

7 June 2013

Alanis Maisonnette

The department next door just had “Black Betty” on the radio, so I poked my head in and… you can guess the rest.

7 June 2013

ThE Drummer from Flintlock

I’ve just seen a stretch limousine going past tonight’s venue, the ABC in Glasgow. The charmless associates seemed to think it was a really good idea.

Thanks for posting that pic, Micky/Bobby. It’s started me off on a bit of a nostalgic ramble. As an exile who doesn’t get back to Town often enough these days (mostly ‘cos I can’t afford to go to the match much any more), I was wandering up round that very spot the other day, musing about the arl days. So that was the ramble really – and this is the tedious write-up of the ramble – apologies in advance if it’s long-winded. Any idea when the photo was taken? It’s a sunny late afternoon for sure – that much is certain from the direction of shadows.

I’m sure it was taken before 1981 – I compared it with another photo where the gig posters outside the shop (e.g. The Spizzles) and record release ads (e.g. the Cherry Boys) were irrefutably from early 1981, and the exact same paint scheme looks a lot newer in your photo. A Saturday afternoon to guess by the kids hanging round, maybe hanging round outside the Probe shop as they waited for the early 5pm Matinee show at Eric’s Club round the corner? 1979-1980 if I had to guess, which might place it on the day of one of the very last Eric’s shows. £1.10 to see Joy Division, that sort of thing.
The area has certainly changed since those days, when the music scene was thriving, but when little else apart from bands and football was going well for the city. That area of town wasn’t where people wanted to put a posh shop, and even if Liverpool had such things as posh bars in them days, you wouldn’t have put them round there either. Now there are pricey shops like that branch of Ted Baker, plus all the adjacent designer boutiques at The Cavern Walks, where you imagine footballers’ wives might shop. They must be exclusive – ‘cos there wasn’t a soul in any of the shops as I wandered around during a mid-week lunchtime, embracing the margins. The unassuming little backstreet pub, The White Star, two doors to the right of Probe in your photo, is still there, but now there are trendier bars all around, named to attract the Beatles tourists – Lennon’s Bar, Rubber Soul, The Cavern Pub, and a recreation of The Cavern Club itself. Statues of the Fab Four adorn the nearby façade of a top-end boutique hotel called The Hard Day’s Night Hotel, adding to the array of about 10 different Beatles sculptures within about 100 yards. Even closer is a sculpture of Eleanor Rigby, sitting, waiting on her bench for all the lonely people, near a somewhat more affordable hotel that bears her name. One of the poshest restaurants is named after Beatles collaborator Peter Blake and there are well-heeled Beatles tourists taking snaps everywhere: Spanish, Brazilians, Japanese, Americans –you name it. They weren’t around when Probe Records and Eric’s were down there, when the Cavern had gone, and so had most of the city’s employers. Liverpool has branded itself with impressive vigor these last few years. You can’t really say re-branded, because nobody had really bothered till that Capital of Culture bid.

Now there’s public art everywhere, nearly all of it positioned to draw people down these streets and sell them the idea of this ‘wondrous place’, and then hopefully sell them some goodies. As well as The Cavern’s famous brick wall, engraved with the names of every band to have performed there, there’s another ‘Wall of Fame’ in Matthew Street for the tourists to photograph too, with a gold disc for every one of the 56 (I think) number one chart songs by artistes from Liverpool. The most recent addition of course was ‘He Ain’t Heavy’, last Christmas’ Number One by ‘The Justice Collective’, a project conceived and co-ordinated by Nigel Blackwell’s football mate Peter Hooton. It struck me that as Peter is a mate of Nigel’s, the latter could easily have appeared on that record, and so been part of a number one single, had he wanted to. Peter has probably given up asking Nigel about such things, knowing that his mate is never one to thrust himself into any unnecessary limelight.

We know about those hand-written ‘Joy Division Oven Gloves’ lyrics in The Museum of Liverpool’s pop music section, but you get the impression that the shiny new Matthew Street area wouldn’t have much room for a tribute to such an unassuming act as HMHB, who even when they unwittingly had a number 56 single (with the aforementioned ‘JDOG’) didn’t do so through any promotion of their own, and would probably rather not have been part of any ‘campaign’ at all.

So imagine my surprise… I was back in Liverpool to visit a nearby language school, The Liverpool International Language Academy (LILA ). A business which began in a kitchen in Aigburth just a decade or so ago but has now, riding Liverpool’s wonderful wave of self-promotion, taken over shiny new premises just near the Matthew Street area (sorry – should I say “The Cavern Quarter”) and is attracting hundreds of wealthy foreign students and creating plenty of jobs. Today, for one day, they’re even employing me.

Every one of the fifteen or so classrooms at this school has a theme, with quotes and lyrics trendily stencilled on the shiny new paintwork: there’s the red-painted ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ room, the blue-painted ‘Everton’ room, a ‘Yellow submarine’ room; there’s even a ‘Ken Dodd’ room, where, emblazoned in huge letters across the bright pink back wall, is the tax-dodging supposed comedian’s catchphrase ‘How tickled I Am’. Which must surely puzzle the students as they struggle to learn our strange tongue.

And sure enough, as I look around LILA , I find a HMHB presence too. In one classroom, there are various collages of Liverpool record sleeves, and ‘Four Lads Who Shook The Wirral’ stares out from somewhere between Cilla Black and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Then, in the students’ lounge area of the school, as I read my way around the walls through a higgledy-piggledy, multi-coloured, non-alphabetical list of no less than 1,000 famous Merseyside names, HMHB’s name appears there too, somewhere between a bishop to one side and a playwright to the other, a boxer above them and a campaigning social reformer or two below (the first 30 seconds of the video on this page will give you a flavour of what this wall looks like: http://www.lilalovetolearn.com/content/lila-tour-facilities ). Like the Beatles tourists in Matthew Street, I doubt that any of the students here have ever heard of Half Man Half Biscuit, but at least (as a pent-up Alsatian might growl) it’s nice to know they ‘re there, on this particular wall of fame. Like LIPA groups, LILA groups will never die.

Not all the recent changes in the Matthew Street area are too bad. The White Star pub (you can see the old ‘Bass’ sign in your photo) now serves enough real ales, in which you really can really taste the hops, to satisfy even the most ardent CAMRA man. Oh, and somebody’s re-opened a new Eric’s Club on the same site as the old one – where Nigel was apparently spotted recently at a Pere Ubu gig (while the crowd bayed for the Behemoth to play Cloud 149).The Probe Records shop may not be around that way anymore, and nor does it have anything much to do with Geoff Davies and Probe Plus these days, but it has a very decent new location of its own, five minutes’ walk away in another re-branded city centre ‘quarter’.

14 June 2013

Bobby SVARC

Good read that Exxo, Cheers for that. Geoff gave me a few photo’s when I was building his http://www.probe-plus.co.uk website: he wasn’t sure of the date (“way before the Biscuits” was his actual prognosis) but I don’t think you’re a million miles away with ’81, It looks early 80’s more than mid 80’s in my opinion. Have you listened to the radio prog about Roger Eagle? I suspect you have but it’s on BBC iPlayer.

His Flickr page lists it as “Probe Records, Button St, 1980″. There’s also a picture of Eric’s from the same year, with the “Four Lads Who Shook The World” statue above the entrance.

For those interested in Roger Eagle, his biography ‘Sit Down! Listen to This!’ by Bill Sykes came out last year, with several chapters on his years at Eric’s (much of the same material covered by the radio prog).

I had a PBR-fest on my recent trip to Spain. First of all I was in Spain to see The Young Fresh Fellows who were touring over there as they never play in the UK. When somebody asked why it was that the band don’t play here, I was informed that they last time they played there in 1991 they got a bad review. And although I can’t confirm it, I believe their girlfriends were fuming. Secondly,while I was there I hung out with my mate Huw who is a juggler, though I can’t say I saw or heard Sylvian and Fripp discussing whippets. And finally, my friend Huw has recently started rehearsing with a covers band doing Crowded House but not David Gray (they do have some standards).

On a separate note, I’ll be responsible for the attendance of no less than 5 HMHB virgins at the upcoming Cambridge Junction gig (one of whom wasn’t aware that HMHB had recorded anything since the late 80’s). Is this some kind of record? Does anyone care?!

24 June 2013

BrumBiscuit

I just had the “pleasure” of sitting through a two-hour concert of kids singing. How can you make “I can see clearly now” sound like a dirge? Anyway, things looked like they were picking up when I saw a song called “Simple Syncopation” by someone simply called Blackwell. Was it to be a meaningful interlude from all the other trite choices? Was it bollocks! But at least it provided a moment’s distraction.

There was a letter in the “I” paper that finished with a comment on the number of “psychopaths” and “cycle paths”

Then I saw the film “this is the end”, spoiled somewhat by the mentions of the book of revelations.

I apologise to anyone else at Cineworld shaftesbury avenue who was inconvenienced by my shouting “its revelation” when they got it wrong

30 June 2013

vendor of quack nostrums

Picture the scene. Wimbledon. Men’s singles final. Height of summer. Andy Murray one set up on Djokovic. Break between games. Commentators struggling with their superlatives. Camera pans away from the roof of Centre Court to focus on a small child close to a riverbank. Inevitably she is close to a swan (complete with cygnets). So wadd’ya gonna say, Mr. Commentator? ‘Don’t get too close, that swan could break your arm’ obviously.

7 July 2013

Bobby SVARC

And I spotted one Chris Gorenge before the final started, (Bilston Gig Joke)

7 July 2013

Alan

But as far as I recall nobody use the word “aplomb” so they lost a mark there!

7 July 2013

CHARLES EXFORD

@ Vendor

1. It wasn’t a river, it was down beside the lake – Wimbledon Park Lake.

2. It wasn’t the commentator, it was the “expert summariser”. In fact it was someone who has been mentioned himself in an HMHB song, and who therefore (I like to think) was anxious to deflect The Curse with the hair of the dog – by alluding to some HMHB lyrics live on the telly.

3. What he actually said, much as per the swan song, but less succinctly, was in to pooh-pooh the notion that a swan can break your arm, first quoting what people always say, then “Have you ever met anyone whose arm has been broken by a swan?” (Tim is trying to be the Lawro of tennis commentary I think. Brick ’em all up, I say).

At that very moment (it was at 1-3 second set, about 3.40 pm, as if anyone’s bothered), as another tiny toddler edged closer to the cob and his family, the commentator gave a grunt as if to say “well, I dunno …” and I like to think that if the director hadn’t decided we’d best return to the on-court action at that moment, Tim’s Blackwellian cynicism would at any have been put to the test. It was actually the whole swan incident that seemed to swing the match for Murray at the end of the day, I reckon.

8 July 2013

vendor of quack nostrums

Well done Charles. You were obviously paying far more attention than me. I was rather focused on the tennis. – 77 years of hurt and all that.

It was a swan though, right?

8 July 2013

CHARLES EXFORD

Soz Vendor if I seemed even-more-than-characteristically harsh in my pedantry.

I plead heartbreak meself, as the PBR for me was welcome distraction from my own,very different kind of hurt.

you see the Djoker was meant to bring up an 90-1 treble with RVP Prem top scorer (at 9/4, just before Suarez got his ban), Ronnie O’Sullivan (at 7-1 before the world Championships) and Novak at 5-2 back then.

That would have set me up for the summer that would. If things don’t look up soon I might have to bloody WORK for a living or something.

In other news, the sterling progress of Britain’s Laura Robson towards ending another 36 or is it 37 years of hurt may soon see Henman Hill / Murray Mound renamed as another PBR ….. Robson Green 😉

8 July 2013

BrumBiscuit

Robson’s Knob might be gynaecologically wide of the mark, but far more accurate in other respects.

8 July 2013

Richard Lovell

The Wimbledon lake comment gave rise to a painful laugh from me, having been paintballing on Saturday and five minutes in managing to do a swan dive and nearly break my arm.

I was compere/DJ for my kids’ secondary school’s summer fair at the weekend, billed as “Fun Day”. I was responsible for picking the music. You can guess the rest.

Still haven’t learnt Hymn Number 252 yet though, even if Paintball’s Coming Home and Irk The Purists get on the setlist a lot when I’m on piano at mass. Just realised, however, that I actually do type those out. Father Gerry has poor eyesight and my handwriting is terrible, in my defence, but nevertheless, beware.

I was cycling along yesterday on a path (upon which I shouldn’t have been cycling). As i approached a gent walking in the same direction, i gave him a wide berth out of politeness. The closer I got, the louder became his crazed rambling that were interspersed with profanities. As I overtook him, he turned to face me and shouted “Fucking Hell!” at some volume. The refrain of “it’s Fred Titmus” seemed to take him aback.

12 July 2013

Brumbiscuit

And today, whilst walking along the same path, Warwick Pandas have provided me with my next t-shirt. Their Fun Day in the Park poster which I stole will polish up nicely. That’s not how I would spell “Tombola” though…

13 July 2013

Alan

Preparing to watch the Tour de France highlights last evening I happened to catch the end of “The Motorcycle Show” on ITV4. Prior to the presenter injuring his shoulder in an amusing low speed motocross incident there was a feature about his restoration of a Bonneville. It was most definitely in bits but rather than sorting it out himself he had somebody else fixing it up. It was not revealed whether either was a paid up member of CAMRA but I shall no doubt tune in early in an attempt to find out.

Alan Gardner on Cricinfo, struggling to come to terms with the Aussie collapse, has just posted “If I were to spot Fred Titmus in the supermarket, this day couldn’t get any stranger” to which “Paul” replied “Presumably you will use the prescribed HMHB salutation?”

19 July 2013

Matt

From the bbc website cricket commentary summarising after the Australian collapse.

“HOW’S STAT?!
Graeme Swann is the first England spinner to take five wickets in an Ashes Test at Lord’s since Hedley Verity in 1934, when he claimed 7-61 and 8-43.”

In my book that makes Swann Hedley Verityesque

19 July 2013

SIMON P

From the Cricinfo commentary on the current Test Matchhttp://www.espncricinfo.com/the-ashes-2013/engine/current/match/566933.html
From over 42 of the Australian 1st innings
Commentator: “My brain can’t really compute this sort of thing from an Australia team in the Ashes, so don’t look to me for explanations. If I were to spot Fred Titmus in the supermarket, this day couldn’t get any stranger.”
Reply: “Are you trying to start a ‘Fred’s Not Dead’ conspiracy theory a la Elvis? If you do see him, presumably you will use the prescribed Half Man Half Biscuit salutation?”
Commentator: I certainly would, Paul. The only appropriate response to spotting a dead England offspinner in the supermarket, surely?

20 July 2013

SIMON P

Oh for goodness sake, that’ll teach me not to scroll up at least once!

20 July 2013

ThE Drummer from Flintlock

Two PBRs in the same 6 Music news bulletin yesterday: Bert Trautman and a warning about the depth and coldness of reservoirs.

21 July 2013

ThE Drummer from Flintlock

Also, vis a vis the newest update of Paintball’s Coming Home, today I saw a guy riding a new looking mountain bike on the pavement, dressed in full Sky kit.

21 July 2013

Bobby SVARC

I’ve just been perusing through the Northern Premier Leagues 2013/14 fixtures in today’s Non League Paper, Firstly to find the Barwell v Marine fixture and then any others that caught my eye, Two early PRB fixtures are Cammell Laird v New Mills (20/08/2013) and Matlock v Nantwich (24/08/2013). And to my fellow Biscuit, Barwell v Marine is on Aug 31st……..Fancy it?

Back-to-back wins? No, but too good to go down
Are we living in the past days?
My life as a coach is a bit of a car-crash,
Plummeting the players into hopeless despair.
They hang about the training ground,
I never know what to say to them –
Have you BEEEEEN to Steve Walsh’s ”legend’s nights”?

We’re always at the mercy of what the Ref’s been told –
He knows, I know he knows, about the bother with Anthony Knockaert
I should have listened to Pop-Tart Mart
And had that Ref dissolved in acid by a Serbian hit squad

I’ve taken 90 Bisodol
I’ve had a bellyful of Steve Walsh’s ”legends nights”.

A-tisket, a-tasket, like Mike Ashley with a basket
I beheld him shopping for Ignasi , little Mr. Classy.
We used to hanker after such players when days were merrier
But he’s only on loan, the little Spanish terrier,
Alongside Sean St Ledger? Better than Lee Peltier.

Is Milan Mandaric done gone to Wednesday?
Is this Thai consortium really here to stay?

As for me, I’ll take LCFC to Derby
And jump off the M1 footbridge
And leave a note saying:
“Here lies the bloke, the only bloke in the East Midland Counties League
Who was at the Leicester De Montfort Hall, y’all,
Think on while you’re capturing the tiki-taka zeitgeist
I’ll be lying on the motorway.

13 August 2013

Bobby SVARC

And no mention of Mickythehoss’s model, Shame but still good stuff.

13 August 2013

Mark

Not me. I’m in York but not wearer of said top. Thinking of wearing mine to the England/Australia ODI on the 6/9/13 at Headingley. Hope Bumble sees it and I get a mention/interview.

14 August 2013

Mark

Wensum an answer on pointless today……never reached it but might go just to say I’ve been….as I did the other year when visiting Chatteris

Watching Goals on Sunday – not only did Tony Pulis refer to “some top, top teams”, and then later, as if reading my mind, “top, top players”, but just now the commentator on the Hull-Cardiff match referred to a goal being “finished with aplomb”. I ask you, where else do you hear that word being used these days?

15 September 2013

EXXO

I noticed on or around** deadline day, that one particular radio footy pundit referred disparagingly to “top, top players”, and asked “but are they the top, top, _top_ players that United need?”

Like an arms race of ‘tops’, where will it end, where will it end?

**incidentally, maybe I should say “in and around Deadline Day”. I know that’s what Andy Townsend would say. “They’ve got to get the ball in and around the strikers more”.

15 September 2013

Bobby SVARC

Two years ago yesterday we saw the Biscuits at Leamington and come home with “90 Bisodol”, Geoff had a lovely big cardboard box full……Bloody hell where has the time gone?

16 September 2013

EXXo

Ah well Bobby, the way this A-Z is headed, at least we know where the next 4 years is going to go.

16 September 2013

Bobby SVARC

Hells Fire Exxo, By the time we reach Zondervan I’ll be nearly 58 and Leicester City will be Premier League Champions then?

Press conference today prior to the game between Civil Service FC and Polytechnic FC in Brenda’s back garden. Prince William says it’s good job his gran isn’t in as this removes the risk of having a corgi on the pitch.

7 October 2013

EXXO

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the number of comments on the site increasingly credible?

If you doever choose to change the wording, Chris, rather than have pedantic blaggards like me debating whether the numbers are truly ‘astonishing / amazing /impressive/ unbelievable / awe-inspiring / etc’, why not just say something like “There are now a grand total of ….comments”

Or should that be “there is” ?

10 October 2013

Dr Desperate

“Creditable” might be a better description, then you’d only have to change four letters.

Looks like Hugh doesn’t mind a bit of drizzle ‘cos he never gets his fat arse off the settee.

16 October 2013

Dave Wiggins

@Bobby Svarc. Not sure why the Guardian has used an accompanying photo of their journalist, Kate Hutchinson. Bernie is a 50-something bloke. He worked in ‘Probe’ around the time of the ‘Back in the DHSS’ heyday, and earlier (alongside the terrifying Pete Burns).

17 October 2013

Bobby SVARC

I thought the same Dave, Good looking geezer though!!

17 October 2013

Alanis maisonnette

So there we were last night, one song into a Beaver Fuel set and a guy shouts out “fuckin’ ‘ell, it’s Fred Titmus!”. What finer accolade could there be?

20 October 2013

Cynical Uncle Charlie

Woke up to 5 Live this morning talking about Alex Ferguson’s autobiography. Fergie thinks that Steven Gerrard is not a “top top” player.

Got home from work to see Dean Friedman on “Top of the Pops 1978″ on BBC4

24 October 2013

EVEN MORE CYNICAL

We know the purple-nosed knight says that, ‘cos the me-eja has been full of it & someone put it up on here a couple of nights back.

However we have no way of knowing if he really thinks that. I suspect he doesn’t and is just stirring.

Mrs. Exford been camper van shopping online (& all over the place) all weekend, so you can guess what she’s singing right now.

I’ve been indulging in a rollocking good chorus or two of this, one of my personal Lou Reed faves:

You can’t depend on your family
You can’t depend on your friends
You can’t depend on a beginning
You can’t depend on an end

You can’t depend on intelligence
Ooh, you can’t depend on God
You can only depend on one thing
You need a busload of faith to get by, watch, baby

Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
You need a busload of faith to get by

You can depend on the worst always happening
You can depend on a murderer’s drive
You can bet that if he rapes somebody
There’ll be no trouble having a child

You can bet that if she aborts it
Pro-lifers will attack her with rage
You can depend on the worst always happening
You need a busload of faith to get by, yeah

Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by, baby
Busload of faith to get by

You can’t depend on the goodly hearted
The goodly hearted made lamp-shades and soap
You can’t depend on the Sacrament
No Father, no Holy Ghost

You can’t depend on any churches
Unless there’s real estate you want to buy
You can’t depend on a lot of things
You need a busload of faith to get by, woh

Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by, baby
Busload of faith to get by

You can’t depend on no miracle
You can’t depend on the air
You can’t depend on a wise man
You can’t find ’em because they’re not there

You can depend on cruelty
Crudity of thought and sound
You can depend on the worst always happening
You need a busload of faith to get by, ha

Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by
Busload of faith to get by.

27 October 2013

Bobby SVARC

‘Take the Skinheads Bowling’ by Camper Van Beethoven?

27 October 2013

Vendor Of Quack Nostrums

Meeting Mr Miandad by The Duckworth Lewis Method.

And me I’m on the lookout for a proper transformer …errr.

RIP LR

27 October 2013

mac

Not the first of these I’m guessing but in today’s Daily Heil: “A distraught husband has today demanded answers after discovering his wife of 29 years was buried in the WRONG grave, following a paperwork blunder.”

29 October 2013

Chris The Siteowner

The infuriating thing about that story is that the headline (“Husband’s distress as he discovers his wife was buried in the WRONG grave”) is simply WRONG; the guy has been tending the right grave all the time. But when a headstone was eventually made, it was put on another plot and he quickly spotted the mistake. Barely a story at all, yet somehow they manage to make a living from it.

Which makes me wonder, if it was an adjacent grave, could the next plot over-hear their inner most thoughts?

18 November 2013

Paddy

The press release below ticks so many HMHB PBRs:

Purity Brewing Co. releases its first black craft beer

Purity Brewing Co. has announced its first ever black craft beer, Saddle Black, a full-flavoured black beer, dedicated to cyclists and available in cask from the end of November until March 2014. Saddle Black is made using smoked, chocolate and black malts and New World hops Chinook and Cascade. Together these create a well-rounded beer at 5.1 abv with aromas of citrus, chocolate and espresso.

The official Saddle Black launch will be held at the iconic real ale pub The Wellington in Birmingham and will see the cycling theme complemented by bespoke Brooks England leather saddles embossed with the Purity Brewing Co. logo. The handmade saddles will be displayed on branded Pashley bicycles, as a tribute to cycling around the UK. Based in Stratford-on-Avon, Pashley Cycles have been producing cycles since 1926 and are working with Purity to provide limited edition bikes as consumer prizes.

Paul Halsey, MD of Purity Brewing Co. comments: “As a keen cyclist, I wanted to create a beer dedicated to the British cycling community and as a celebration of the craft that goes into making both beer and bicycles. Brooks England and Pashley Cycles are long established West Midland companies at the forefront of their trade and we saw a synergy between their passion and craftsmanship and our values.

“This is the first of many seasonal beers that we hope to release. It is made possible by our new semi-automated Braukon brewing system, which allows us to produce the equivalent of 140,000 pints of beer a week, a 150% increase compared to the facility it replaced.”

Saddle Black can be paired with high flavour, tangy hard cheeses such as Black Bomber cheddar. It also suits rich chocolate puddings, chocolate cake, tarts and tortes.

Available to pubs, bars, restaurants and cafés in nine gallon firkins from the end of November 2013. Please contact Claire James or Chris Hancock at Purity Brewing Co. on +44 (0) 1789 488007 or email sales@puritybrewing.com to order this limited edition beer.

21 November 2013

EXXO

Paul Halsey, MD of Purity Brewing Co, I want my real ale free of added corporate bullshit and if you’re ever out there googling your own name, I want you to know that the crime of creating the following puke-inducing sentence has earned you a lifetime boycott of your products in these parts: “Brooks England and Pashley Cycles are long established West Midland companies at the forefront of their trade and we saw a synergy between their passion and craftsmanship and our values.” Thanks for posting, Paddy.

21 November 2013

Brumbiscuit

Brooks is owned by Italians and Pashley is in Warwickshire, not the West Midlands; for a start. Both of them cater for the fanatics/weirdos of the cycling world, so neither is a really good advert. Granted there’s plenty of craftsmanship goes on there, but I doubt whether there’s much craft in the semi-automated Braukon brewing system. Anyway, he used synergy as a word, so that cuts him adrift.

21 November 2013

Dr Desperate

On the credit side, P. Halsey is an anagram of Pashley.

24 November 2013

Mr Galbraith

Hats off to Mrs Galbraith, who innocently used the phrase ‘Doctor Who Afficionados’ yesterday morning when discussing Saturday nights tripe on TV.

25 November 2013

Bobby SVARC

CROSSLEY 4.40 Wolverhampton

3 December 2013

POP-TART MARK

Cheers Svarco, after Biscuiteer t’other day my ears are pricked.

Meanwhile at Rock City Notts in 15 minutes one of Nigel T-D’s is supposed to be a bit of a master of the straight, MASTER RAJEEM.

3 December 2013

Chris The Siteowner

Do you two want me to make you a horse racing thread somewhere? It might be easier.

3 December 2013

POP-TART MARK

The ephemeral nature of the EBR’s makes the Yahoo group email list the best place for them I think personally, but I just think it’s inevitable that the odd one will pop up on here, e.g. after the Vendor winner at Bangor-on-Dee just a few days after that was in the A-Z.

3 December 2013

Bobby SVARC

Well Crossley is a biscuit reference isn’t it? Bye All.

3 December 2013

Dr Desperate

And Jean-Marie Baldy of France owns a nag called Blackwell (by Akbar out of Black Queen du Cayrou).

Thank You.
I’ve decided that my next project is going to be The Biscuits on stage, It will be 1:24th scale complete with working can lights, speakers etc, A mate (of a bloke) has got a top of the range 3D Printer and he’ll be able to make the figures, the rest will be made of all sorts of plastics and metal, Hoping to have it done by Leamington, fingers crossed.

13 December 2013

Matt

Nice one Bobby.

I hope you’ve got someone to sponsor the mosh pit for your next venture.

“A spokesman for the Met Office said last night that a new wind speed high had been recorded at Capel Curig in Conwy, North Wales, with gusts blowing at 87mph. Not far behind was Berry Head in Torbay, Devon, with gusts of 76mph.”

From today’s Independent.

24 December 2013

Dagenham Dave

In the pub, Xmas Eve and someone’s telling me about the bike they’re hoping to purchase in the New Year. The words ‘shimano ultegra’ are used. I find this hilarious.

25 December 2013

CHARLES EXFORD

I said to Maud ‘you Mull the wine, I’ll Oban the single malt.’

I’ll try not to be here all day.

Seriously though, the first thing at Christmas that did get on my tits (before we’d even got up) was Mary Ann Hobbs gushing about how some prog track has ‘somehow distilled the many textures of love itself and transposed them into music.’

So Maud switched over and the second thing at Christmas that did get on my tits was TWO camp TV chefs, one of whom has written a book called ‘How to drink at Christmas’. Cos it’s so fucking difficult, you see. She told us that if we had to go for a cheaper option for our champagne cocktails this morning, like Prosecco, we should use a thinner juice like Clementine juice. OK yeah I’ll just nip and get some now.

etc etc easily reaching twelve things before noon.

Bah humbug.

25 December 2013

Brumbiscuit

Reading my lad’s present of the Guinness Book of Records 2014 on the bog, I was mildly impressed to read that Brad Friedel holds the record for the most consecutive Premiership appearances at 310, albeit at three clubs.

26 December 2013

SIMON P

Darts on soap operas currently being played out on Corrie. I wasn’t actually paying attention, but I think someone might just have won by hitting treble 20.

I asked my boss how much work was involved in a particular task I had to do today . Her reply was ” more than you’d think” . She accused me of being obtuse when I pointed out that unless she knew what I think she couldn’t make that judgement

10 January 2014

Monkey Hanger

Met up with me mate for a couple of pints after we both finished work a few weeks back!!!!!
“You ok, you look knackered man” I asked observantly?!
“It’s been a long day” he sighed!
He’s a Driver for East Coast Main Line on the Newcastle/Middlesbrough route!
“Worra bout you

12 January 2014

Vendor of quack nostrums

Just woke the Vendoress up with a cup of coffee, so to speak. As I opened the curtains she piped up with “Looks like a miserable day”. Inevitably my response began with “I quite like a bit of drizzle” and you can guess the rest. Suffice to say that she is currently not talking to me and I have to take the dog for a walk on my own.

Cheers Chris, Loading up 70 albums and 30+ Singles can get a bit tedious but all now…….NURSE!!

23 January 2014

BeTterWare bob

After realising that my statement in my head this morning ‘ain’t pedanticity great !!’ was in err ( due to the fact that it’s a non word so really I made a non statement), I decided to give myself a little bit more to do on my day off in future.

Incidentally, do any of you lot believe you have never been negatively PBRd yourselves? Is there any among you that has never chosen a pub with a ball pond for the kids, has never fed sugar lumps to police horses at cup finals, has never left a film trivia book by their bog-side etc.? And if not, what is your worst offence (naming a child Archie? drinking champagne in a hot air balloon?) I suspect mine might be occasionally buying soup in cartons, not in tins (but only because my daughter likes the Covent Garden ones!)

5 February 2014

robvarmint

I must confess to knowing where things are in B&Q. However, I’m sure there are far more heinous crimes…

5 February 2014

Dr Desperate

@Bobby …….You’d need a bus replacement service.

5 February 2014

Bobby SVARC

I’m wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called a train replacement service

5 February 2014

Bobby SVARC

Also, are most of them there Twitter bods unstable?

5 February 2014

mac

My personalised reg plate should probably spell TWAT 1

5 February 2014

Brumbiscuit

I once had a go on Theremin at the Ideal Home Show. Not sure if that’s a negative though.

5 February 2014

Dr Desperate

We went to Copenhagen last year. The statue was, in fact, quite disappointing.

5 February 2014

Brumbiscuit

In another Theremin-related PBR, John Otway played one on stage at the Leamington Assembly last night. Quite a good rendition of Crazy Horses too.

8 February 2014

Chris The Siteowner

And to bring things full circle, Otway supported HMHB at the Astoria 2 London gig in July 2000. Best support for the band ever. He also gave Top Of The Pops its finest Theremin display of all time when he performed his 50th birthday present hit on the show in 2002. Last year showed that there was life in the old fanbase yet, when they mass-voted his Rock and Roll’s Greatest Failure movie to number 2 in the Guardian’s readers’ choice 10 best films of 2013, a suspiciously Rod vs the Sex Pistols situation, if you ask me. True to form, Otway will now completely fail to capitalise on this by not getting the DVD released until about 2025. But when it does arrive, I can’t recommend it highly enough to anyone whose outlook on life leads them to find this website amusing.

8 February 2014

Brumbiscuit

I think they were flogging the movie at the gig last night, Chris.

8 February 2014

EXXO

For anyone dan sarf wanting to catch Otway’s act, I can heartily recommend his annual appearance on the Sunday afternoon of Attila the Stockbroker’s Glastonwick festival near Lancing. Robin Ince usually does a set the same afternoon, and all for about £15 a Sunday day ticket. This year it will be Sunday 1st June. Official line-up & ticket details not yet confirmed.
Won’t be there meself this year, as we’re playing at a tournament in St. Pauli’s Millerntor stadium that weekend. Mrs. Exford has graced their turf twice before but I’ve never had the privilege. Only so many times you can see Otway do the same act anyway.

8 February 2014

Andy Potter

I was happily chatting to the geezer behind the desk at our Health spa, where myself and the Missus are members, when he said something (which for the life of me I cannot remember), which prompted me to utter the reply “Them’s the Vagaries”, and then walk out to the car park with tears running down my face muttering “Did I really quote him a HMHB song title? YES I DID!”…. Idiot.

8 February 2014

Peter Gandy

I’ve just watched the first two episodes of the Belgian drama Salamander on BBC4. Towards the end of the second episode, as the hushing up of the bank manager’s suicide was being discussed, a call to the clean up team was ordered.

Ha, bet you’ll get some div on titter thinking that’s what the song ‘refers’ to.

9 February 2014

Tripswitch hinterland

From The Fry Chronicles:
” …the full, final and insane damnations and ecstasies of St. John’s Revelations…”
You’d have thought he’d know better.
(See also St. John Ambulance; they must despair.)

10 February 2014

warden hodges

NB10

10 February 2014

Chris The Siteowner

Yep, I’m not sure our man is going to be best pleased, but he’s in the top ten, ahead of half of the Beatles. At least they didn’t print his photo, and nor did he come above John Peel. Now the big question is indeed… NB57 or NB10?

10 February 2014

Taylo

As the man responsible for NB57, I hope it sticks.

There used to be a chippy near me called Ardens…it changed name to Walkers….everyone still calls it Ardens.

10 February 2014

EXXO

You invented the whole naming system Taylo, so NB10 is yours too.

I’m very influenced by current achievements meself, and as we haven’t had a Biscuit album for a while I voted David Moyes as my number one.

10 February 2014

Dr Desperate

Good news on the rise in chart placings. I’d agree with the update to NB10 (with full recognition of Taylo for the original concept).
My votes also went to John Peel (up from 36 to 6) and Brian Epstein (up from 98 to 25).

10 February 2014

EXXO

@ Tripswitch. Fry isn’t as dumb as QI sometimes makes him appear, you know. I suspect he’s just talking about “St. John’s revelations”, referring to the contents rather than the book title, but some over-respectful-of-things-that-Fry-certainly wouldn’t-want-her-to-respect editor has decided to pop in a capital ‘R’, still not referring to the book, but to its supposedly divine contents.

10 February 2014

Bobby SVARC

No Geoff Davies in the top 100, Bizzare.

10 February 2014

Steve nicholls

After Peel and NB57, my third vote went to Billy “Hold Your Plums” Butler.
I’d forgotten all about him til I saw him on the list.

10 February 2014

Tripswitch hinterland

@EXXO I dare say you’re correct. I’m off now to check that it was actually written with a capital ‘R’ and that I’m not doing them a terrible disservice.

11 February 2014

Bobby SVARC

Plough Boy yesterday, Surprise Vendor today!!…is there no end to this madness?

Today is DEFINITELY NSD. No, fuck that, I’m autistic – EVERY day is NSD, it’s just that today’s more NSD than most. It’s hard to be positive when you’re permanently stuck in yer cot cos you’re crop and the NHS is so fucking shite it refuses to make any allowances for your autism. But today, I have the shits, there’s no bog roll, and I missed the Ocado man (and, yes, he had bog roll). Overnight some cunt’s replaced my body with 4 railway sleepers, and a couple of lumps o’ lead. It’s now chucking it down. Again.

Finally, to add to the shiteiness, this is Tory-shire (I noted that someone made reference to there being a tin (box? packet?) of Biccies round N13; this isn’t N13, but it’s not far off – welcome to South Bucks, MP one Dom Grieve (I mention this cos he’s about as useful as a well, a Tory. And he’s a cunt. Got a reply to my last email to him this morning, once again stating that, if I wanted his help, that I would need to attend one of his ‘clinics’, held the 1st Friday of every month in his constituency office. This is after me explaining to him that (and I do so every time I contact him) that, due to the severity of my autism, and the fact that I’m stuck in bed, this is about as possible as me sprouting wings and flying to the fecking MOON! I’m not from these parts, I’m a Sheffield lass, born and bred, but there’s NO fecking chance of me EVER returning to my natural habitat (and I’d have just as much a useless cunt for a MP if I did – it’s Cleggy (wasn’t there a Cleggy in Last Of The Summer Wine…? Wasn’t that Peter Wossisname’s character…? My brain has been replaced by something akin to biscuit dough, I think…).

I’d love to regale you all with amusing anecdotes and PBRs but, the fact is, I don’t leave the house these days. Barely even leave me cot. Haven’t been able to venture out the front door for 3 years. I’d do meself in, but ya can’t do much with Boots’ own-label Bisodol.

Sorry, I get grumpy when I’m crook and in pain (nagging pain all across my shoulders and in the back of my neck – I’m too young to be feeling this OLD! Oh, and to cap it all, found 6 grey hairs in me brush this morn). Even Spotify has defeated me…

You’ll all end up hating me sooner-rather-than-later, I have that effect on folk… Life needs a reset button.

20 February 2014

CHARLES EXFORD

First game back after the winter break tonight and Dukla beat the 3rd place team to leap-frog them and get into what would be the European places for the first time in over 20 years. Long way to go but you never know, we could be donning the DPAKs in the away section at somewhere like Goodison or OT next season.

21 February 2014

warden hodges

Re Exxo-Just be my luck that, Everton playing Dukla in next seasons Europa League on the night of the Bilston gig. Pfft!

22 February 2014

John aNDERSON

Des Lynam’s piece on Roy Keane’s punditry in today’s Telegraph sports section contains the line : “Keane was, of course, in the fashionable phraseology, a top, top player….”

1 March 2014

Brumbiscuit

The Twitter feed has just reminded me of my second best ever HMHB gig*. It was in Cardiff seven years ago today at The Point; a now defunct – though excellent – venue. Many highlights, but the Welsh national anthem was the peak. 1300-mile drive back to Budapest the day after was not so good.

I also felt a pang of regret earlier today whilst polishing the various bits and bobs, that the kosher, not jarg, Harry Quinn will have a Shimano Exage groupset rather than Ultegra, but then Ultegra wouldn’t be fitting for the age of the bike.

*in case you’re wondering, the Robin2 gig when Dean Friedman appeared is my best ever.

In another place, some punters were discussing the bus replacement service on the train line to Plymouth. After wondering to myself whether or not I should; I asked the inevitable question “Shouldn’t that be ‘train replacement service'” and got roundly accused of being a pedant. Oh, the gratification…

12 March 2014

HALF NAN, HALF SEABISCUIT

Two things…firstly, my local does a ‘Curry Night’ and it instantly reminded me of ‘Rock and Roll is Full of Bad Wools’ and then the following morning on the way to college, I saw a bus advertising ‘Train Replacement Service’…aah good old ‘National Shite Day’.

Sad news this. I used to enjoy ‘crossing the water’ to go to Kirklands and remember the heady days of Ronnie Morgan , FA Cup and Vase runs 2005-2007. Also fellow club Vauxhall Motors dropping to West Cheshire League, sad times indeed.

31 March 2014

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

Very sad. Who will Rovers play their second friendly with every July after the Heswall game?

Lairds’ last home game is currently due to be exactly simultaneous with Rovers’ home game on Easter Bank Holiday afternoon. and I’m not sure there’s enough of us wanting to go to both to influence a change.

The last Rovers home game I was supposed to go to was – incredibly- scheduled for the same time as the Merseyside derby and feckin’ Rotherham wouldn’t let them change it.

1 April 2014

Half nan, half seabiscuit

My brother once actually spent time in the Dutch town of Leeuwarden…

4 April 2014

NIGEL PEARSON AGAIN

Re. comment 1120 regarding the hoof ball coming to Leicester…

Can’t get a win?
Seems like what you gotta do
Is dial Bobby Svarc
And he’ll adapt a Biscuits song
Slagging your team lyrically,
Get it up on the Project
And declare your boss
To be a really crap boss
Shit players
Useless tactics

Have a class of sass
With Srivaddhanaprabha
Flirt with his brass
(but don’t try to grab her).
Wouldn’t it be nice
To piss off your Midlands neighbours?
Wouldn’t it be nice
To play Prem-ball
For ever
And ever?

Said Pearson should be sacked
(Did you later rue it?)
Should get his bags packed
(You said you’d do it).
Summertime’s here
And you’ve got no hassle
Next season could be hard
(but you should beat Newcastle)
Wouldn’t it be nice to leap-frog fucking **
Wouldn’t it be nice
To sabotage the
Fucking play-offs.

Nice one Micky, hope it’s been a great weekend.

6 April 2014

bobby svarc

Brilliant, Thank you. We will bask in our glory until mid August…….at least!!!!

6 April 2014

bobby svarc

Pearson, Hairs Greying, Pearson, Hairs Greying……………..

7 April 2014

NIGEL PEARSON

Incidentally, though I’m obviously not Nigel Pearson, I do feel a close affinity. Not only is he a fellow summer 1963 Nigel, but he’s a fellow summer 1963 Nigel Graham.

7 April 2014

Bobby SVARC

Born Snottingham though, …which is a shame

7 April 2014

THE FAMOUS DAVE SPIKEY

anyone see ‘The One Show’ broadcasting from Hebden Bridge..wonder if they’re being forced to the pots of the Pennine ridge?

7 April 2014

HALF NAN, HALF SEABISCUIT

yes I saw that! The One Show on National Shite Day…

11 April 2014

robvarmint

My 50th birthday today and amongst various presents – a trip in a hot air balloon, a Boz Scaggs anthology and a Toblerone. Two out of three ain’t bad…

13 April 2014

barry herpes

Visited Capel Curig with a bottle in my hand the other day…

15 April 2014

THE FAMOUS DAVE SPIKEY

Vitas Gerulaitis as an answer on Pointless earler today…thanks HMHB

22 April 2014

barry herpes

I wondered if kendo Nagasaki would have been on there but, alas, everything is AOR.

22 April 2014

nigel

Two reasons to hate Pointless Celebrities tonight

1. It’s a crap show

2. Nerys Hughes appeared

27 April 2014

long time lurker

What were the chances of this happening to a “rail replacement bus”,eh?

We will soon have more Czech football memorabilia in this house than any sports shop in Prague (and I should know).

2 May 2014

paul f

Amazing – so AIWFC is not the only Dukla Prague name checking record in existence?

Anybody got any recommendations for Bratislava by the way, as I may be going in July?

2 May 2014

Brumbiscuit

Now, I had often wondered whether “…even though he showed me his Magritte…” was a euphemism for something nefarious. Vulnerable lad/grooming teacher, sort of thing. Anyway, tonight on BBC4, I think, there’s a documentary about the artist. I shall draw my conclusions afterwards.

4 May 2014

toastkid

I always thought that the “…even though he showed me his Magritte…” line was a rather lazy (by Nigel’s usual high standards) attempt at innuendo, that wasn’t meant to signify much other than just filling a gap in the lyrics.

6 May 2014

Jakedevil

Nick Frost was interviewed in Sunday’s Observer magazine and revealed that he used to have an Alsatian called Sheba.

10 May 2014

BrumBiscuit

Thanks to Barclays, I now have a Lilac Harry Quinn debit card; capitalist lackey that I am.

Unbelievably, I heard ‘All I Want For Christmas…’ on the college jukebox. Who’d have thought, eh?

20 May 2014

HALF Nan, half seabiscuit

After parking in a blue badge holders parking space, I was actually confronted by the car park police and was called a ‘blue badge abuser’. After a small fit of giggles, I explained that I had been priced out of Hebden Bridge…he didn’t get it, but I’m sure you lot would.

20 May 2014

barry herpes

Was that the Bob Todd lookalike at Grimsby’s branch of Sainsbury’s… Half Nan, Half Seabiscuit?

20 May 2014

EXXO

I see that ‘Hooky’ has had the Farm Feast phone callhttp://farmfeast.co.uk/livestock-lineup/
Wonder if Neil will be attendance? If so he’d better keep out of the way of the
Merseyrail execs who are sponsoring the up-and-coming-bands stage – he’s still on their hit-list after the whole “Merseyrail Stinks of Shit” thing.

Watched the Golden Gordon episode of Ripping Yarns last night (they’ve been repeating it on BBC4)
The best 30 minutes of comedy ever.
Mentioned it some younger (early 30s) work colleagues who had never heard of either Ripping Yarns or HMHB.

7 June 2014

Mr Larrington

The first match of the World Cup was but 83 seconds old when an ITV colemantator used the phrase or saying “top top players”. I’d have fallen off the sofa were it not for the fact that my new one isn’t being delivered until tomorrow.

18 June 2014

POP-TART MARK

You singing what I’m singing Micky, when the Gok Wan hatty bollocks comes on between races?

I think one of the Channel 4 Racing team just called him ‘Wok’ as well.

The last year before the ‘superfence’ (maybe 2000) I jumped the old one twice, just cos I knew I was gonna miss it. Got a proper cavalry charge from the plod the second time as well, but they were too slow.

24 June 2014

Third Rate Les

The decree nisi came through this morning.

Called her to suggest suitable diets and weekend activities.

Sigh.

2 July 2014

Dr Desperate

I usually celebrate the anniversary of my decree absolute coming through with an appropriately-named Swedish vodka.

Brilliant, Mick. Brings back plenty of memories. I remember Jimmy Case taking aim with a 1979(?) free kick at that Greenhall’s Bitter ‘badge’ in the middle, in a first-leg League Cup game where the L’pool squad seemed to have had a big punt on nil-nil.

Are the steps based on photos? Were there that many steps? I think after just a few steps (hence no crush barriers) it levelled out to an area they used for small-sided training games during the week when the weather was bad. But NB57 will know.

7 July 2014

WARDEN HODGES

A Lesser Free Trade Hall moment would be about 7,000 fans claiming to be in the Cowshed for the Exeter game in 1987. The Friday night gate probably around 7-8,000 such was the importance.

7 July 2014

EXXO

Wonder if they all claim to have been not far from that far post where Gary Williams popped up in the 84th? I know I do.

Anyway NB10 I meant.

7 July 2014

WARDEN HODGES

Did Chris Camden play in that game? A fine cricketer also- B’Head Park and (I think) Neston as well.

Just noticed while looking him up that me & he will probably be on the same page of the Birkenhead births register as I was born early the next day after he was!

8 July 2014

WARDEN HODGES

Legend. As the chant went in the ‘other’ shed at Marine in the early 90s ‘ Ooh-ah- Cam-den-a I say Ooh-ah-Cam-den-a!’

8 July 2014

bobby svarc

Exxo, I had to use a bit of modellers artistic license me old fruit, the clearest pic I could find had 12 steps, my model has 16 but it does have the flat area from the terrace to the back of the stand, my mucker is doing some pics for my website, an overhead shot willl show you how. it gets wider L to R, this is model No. 2 btw, I’m sure some other muso from the Wirral would. Like it

8 July 2014

bobby svarc

1,2,3,4,5 If you want to stay alive, Keep Out The Cow Sheds………I’ve just made that up, good innit?

8 July 2014

nigel

Celtic are playing DP tomorrow in a friendly in Austria(?) about 5.15. It’s on celtic tv and all good streaming services – wonder whether the DPAK will get an airing

You’d think ‘The Rockford Files’ was a work of genius, the way it’s being lauded in the wake of Garner’s demise. It was boring. Very, very boring indeed, even by the standards f seventies TV, even by the standards of a kid who used to watch any old crap. Not that it was Garner’s fault – a decent actor, though just playing himself most of the time.

A great, great theme tune though of course. Possibly the composer’s second best behind ‘Hill Street Blues’ ?

With two teams on Merseyside running out to detective show theme tunes already, Liverpool should really do likewise, shouldn’t they? But perhaps they’re just waiting for somebody to choose ‘YNWA’ as a detective show theme tune ?

By the way, I notice there’s a team in Lurgan called Hill St. FC. They play in blue. I do hope they run out, well, stroll out at least, to that theme tune.

21 July 2014

Dr Desperate

It was somewhat repetitive, and often relied on Garner’s undoubted charm to help make up for any weaknesses in plot and dialogue. There were a few recurring characters who also helped, including Stu Margolin’s Angel Martin and Isaac Hayes’ Gandy Fitch.
Occasional scripts were brilliant, one suspects mainly when David (The Sopranos) Chase was on the case.

21 July 2014

WARDEN HODGES

A case of the theme tune being better than the programme itself. Played before the Liverpool 2005 gig.

21 July 2014

BrumbiscUit

$100 a day plus expenses, wasn’t it? Oh, and his dad was called Rocky, i think.

They went on to release a second single on HMHB (the label) in 1983, ‘Fashion Parade’ (DUNK 2), then moved to Flicknife Records. HMHB (the label) was distributed by Probe Plus, and the artwork on the single covers was by Steve Hardstaff, designer of many HMHB (the band) covers. I wish I’d known about this last month, as I could have asked him about it at the talk he gave at the Rossendale Museum.

So – anybody know anything about Instant Agony, or the label (whose name seems to pre-date the band by a good couple of years)?

Up in the highlands for a trip around Oban Distillery. Stopped at Tebay on the way too, possibly. Unlikely to make it to a bothy on the Knoydart, and puzzled to see that Point of Ayr is, erm, not here.

1 August 2014

Cygnus

Hey TRL I would have liked to have got away to the Point of Ayr yesterday but the footpath was closed for repair! I did manage an ascent of the Great Orme however (albeit via the cable car – does that count?)

10 August 2014

John Anderson

There was a very prominent John 3:16 shirt during the American coverage of the USPGA yesterday.

11 August 2014

GoK WAN ACOLYTE

I suppose this is really a deliberate biscuit reference, but I recently had to design the poster for my daughter’s school summer fair. After listing the main attractions “Bouncy Castle, Tombola, Balloons…” I inevitably finished with “And Much Much More” No idea if anyone else got the joke

(As an aside, Iguana Andy and his iguanas weren’t available this year but had been in previous years)

12 August 2014

EXXO

@ John A – and an unprecedented amount of waving through for the end of a ‘major’ I thought, so much so that the last two pairs became a de facto fourball.

At a Thurston Moore gig he said he’d got one song last song to play. There was the usual jeering and cheering, in response to which he said it was called Tarkus.

Although strictly speaking, this is a non-PBR as it was an acoustic set and the feedback was politely but firmly declined admittance.

31 August 2014

Eric olthwaite

Coronation Street – Ken Barlow said there’s light at the end of the tunnel with regard to Peter. I don’t think the obvious punch line needs pointing out ……

5 September 2014

Tez

Just making my regular trip to the Wikipedia page… Does anyone know why the band name now reads “Half Fozzie Half Biscuit”?

(Good spot. Just an idiot, I reckon. Changed. – CtSO)

9 September 2014

EXXO

The new album should be the prompt we’ve needed to change the whole page I reckon.

9 September 2014

Bobby SVARC

I see that The Cockpit at Leeds has shut down, Another smack in the teeth for small venue bands, Biscuits were there in 2005

10 September 2014

exxo

That was the gig where ‘Achtung Bono’ first appeared, unheralded of course. It was only seeing someone with it on the way out that made me double back, bouncer wouldn’t let me back so I just went in through the stage door and got one off Geoff.

Similar scenes at a gig near you this October no doubt…

10 September 2014

Bobby SVARC

Would be nice to have a new album “launch” in Leicester Exxo, now we’re Premier league and all that!

10 September 2014

John Byrne

JD Meatyard was listening to an unmixed version of the album on the 20th August, according to his Facebook.

10 September 2014

exxo

Mixing was completed about a week after that and it’s at the CD factory as we speak. Title still a closely guarded secret.

10 September 2014

BrumbiscUit

There’d be some irony if the title was “Still a Closely Guarded Secret”. I’ll get my sticky mitts on one at Bilston, I hope.

I was walking to work last week, scaffolding and building works forced me momentarily into the road, being wary of traffic I was looking behind me . When I was past the obstruction, stepping out into the road going in the opposite direction… effin’ ‘ell it’s Alan Titchmarsh. And I used to be Fred Titmus’ cousin’s postman….

15 October 2014

Mr Larrington

I was amused to see on the BBC news last night a piece on the dramatic decline of Tesco illustrated with a mothballed branch in Chatteris. Clearly with the good butchers and first-class cake shop the residents of Chatteris feel no need to ride down the aisles to victory in a state of semi-undress.

24 October 2014

EXXO

For the 10th anniversary of Peel’s passing here’s a poem that tries to rhyme ‘combos’ with ‘aplomb-o’.

(incidentally Nicholas Parsons has always used the word ‘aplomb’ a lot, especially on ‘Just a Minute’).

25 October 2014

EXXO

Was weird ‘old news’ that on the beeb last night, wasn’t it, as Channel Four had the same news item about 4 weeks ago only theirs had the HMHB song as backing?

25 October 2014

BrumbiscUit

Eight, nil; eight bloody nil!

25 October 2014

Bobby SVARC

Lump on Leicester to go down, I got 5/1 in the week, If you can a bookie that does points totals go for under 30, we are woeful

25 October 2014

Gordon

Saw Richard Herring tonight; he made a reference to Kendo Nagasaki and I was wearing my Dukla Prague Away Kit. Shame I was without tennis racquet.

29 October 2014

ExxO

Anybody local – the Rovers need you and it’s only £5 on Saturday to go Neil-spotting in the Johnny King stand.

30 October 2014

Bobby SVARC

Looking like a full build of a 1:100 model Prenton Park is on the cards, Circa 1980’s with working floodlights. I Estimate 8 months work. See you in August

30 October 2014

Mr Larrington

I am currently cat-sitting for The Woman Formerly Known As Mrs Larrington and thus bored enough to go through my iThings library with a fine-tooth comb. As a result, I can confess that for many year I’ve been listening to “Trouble Over BRIDGEWATER”. And that someone – probably not me – is responsible for An Outbreak Of Vitas Gerulatis.

I’d just like to say how underwhelming the ‘Quietus’ review of UfO was, after they told me a fortnight ago they “had it covered”‘ …you didn’t really, though, did you? A review by someone who says “satire is a strong word.” Blimey. His conversations must be riveting.

14 November 2014

EXXO

Someone on tw*tter points out that this is someone’s f*cking job. Right now some twat out there is probably dreaming up ways to monetise my misanthropy…

16 November 2014

dickhead in quicksand

I gave up when I found there was no “capturing the zeitgeist” option to click.

17 November 2014

dickhead in quicksand

Who the living feck came up with that Lifestyle > Favourite Dishes list???

17 November 2014

dickhead in quicksand

That yougov poll lacks these favourite dishes, at the very least. What have I overlooked?

That’s superb. Probably needs promoting to the “About HMHB” page, where I’ve been meaning to put together a gallery for a while. If anyone wants to nominate some photos to use, please email me with suggestions and links, even if they’re on this site.

So there you have it. Tory MP supports the inalienable right of Britons to suffer third-degree burns; though perhaps only the servants.

23 November 2014

bob the proofreader

HMHB got a mention on last night’s Only Connect. For those who don’t watch the programme, teams are asked to find the connection between items that are revealed one at a time.

A team of QI Elves was asked to link the following:
You;
A Beatle;
A Dukla Prague away kit – AHA! The penny dropped and I leapt from my seat squealing the answer with unfettered glee. Even better, the Elves also got the answer at this point, namechecking HMHB.

Scanning through the free Metro paper on way to work this morning, I noticed amongst the ads in the sports pages one for retro footie team tops. I immediately thought of bad wools among the so called old fashioned tops of Arsenal and Man U. Then I noticed amongst the prem league tops, eight in all, the odd man out. A Dukla Prague kit.

29 November 2014

Mattkin as-is

400 quid a month for medical insurance. Those voice overs must be pretty lucrative.

I borrowed a rhyme, deep in injury time, to rant about the important issues of the day. Wanted to do this on the radio, but twice I’ve been in queues to rant it on a phone-in, and twice they’ve run out of time.

SH! SH! Last chance for Beşiktaş

Here’s a final rhyme, deep in injury time, a challenge to any reporter
Can you take a last-minute chance, to say it the way you ought to?
Spare us “Bess-ick-tuss” or “Besh-ick-tass”; do please earn your cash
And finally be SPURRED to learn it’s “Besh-ick-tash”.

‘Cos twice this season Arsenal, and twice this season Spurs
Have been drawn to play Beşiktaş and still nobody cares.
On the telly and the radio, morning, noon and night
No UK commentators can be ARSED to say it right.

With no Icelandic mount erupting, no fresh thick ash
Could stop the hack pack heading back to Beşiktaş.
So the clueless commentators are on the Efes again this week
With the radio reporters, who obviously never speak

To any local fans or media, who could soon put them right
And tell ‘em the way they’re saying “Besh-ick-tass” is sh— (ocking).
Their pronunciation’s a car crash, it’s fresh whip-lash
It’s a total write-off, it should be “Besh-ick-tash”.

Two little “sh” sounds is all we’re aiming at
Two little “sh” sounds – just how hard is that?
Any Turkish corn-grinder with his thresh, flick and thrash
Could put corny commentators right with “Besh-ick-tash”.

I’ve not heard it right on Sky, not once on TalkSport
My emails to the Beeb have all just come to nought;
Surely even old Lawro with his mesh-thick ‘tache
Could easily get his lips around “Besh-ick-tash”?

Two little “sh” sounds is all we’re aiming at
Two little “sh” sounds – how hard is that?
Two little ‘sh’ sounds in a Turkish cauldron of noise
Come on you commentators, come on you Beşiktaş boys.

From a Financial Times article, “Why rainy Ambleside in the Lake District is a second-home hotspot”, September 5, 2014:
“Buying guide
● Ambleside had just 14 reported crimes in June this year”
This got me back listening to HMHB after six years’ away, so I’m grateful.

20 December 2014

LANDLORD

From a Financial Times article, “Why ancient Chester has new appeal for families and professionals”, December 12, 2014:
“In Denbigh, a 45-minute drive west of Chester, a seven-bedroom Grade II-listed home with views of the Clywdian hills, and two acres of land, is listed for £585,000 with Jackson-Stops.”
“Clywdian hills” is a rarer combination than you might think.

20 December 2014

EXXO

Unless you’re talking about the Clywdian hills.

(Incidentally we could argue for a capital ‘H’).

21 December 2014

dickhead in quicksand

But who has ever talked about the Clywdian Hills?

21 December 2014

Poolio

BBC Radio 2… Sunday… Clare Balding.
In celebration of the Vernal equinox a group of Clare Balding’s friends were ascending The Stiperstones… why not?!

22 December 2014

peter mcornithologist

@ Exxo. Great news.My son is home from Istanbul for several days and I am proud to announce that his pronunciation of Besiktas is perfect.

In the latest edition of Private Eye there’s a letter from a Nic Gwatkin. I’m unsure if he’s a relation.

24 December 2014

BrumbiscUit

Before the fucking Bublé fest I am usually inflicted with at my sister’s house on days like today (and Strictly Come Dancing), I managed to hijack the remote control and watch AIWFCIADPAK and ICTBCAC. The more refreshed of the household thought it was TOTP2. Who was I to set them straight? Normal, tedious service was soon resumed, however, so blessings on the brewers of strong ale, for they numb such banalities…

25 December 2014

nigel

The yobs on corrie (seriously!) daubed “wierdo” on Roy’s cafe, leading him to say “they haven’t even spelt it right” when he saw it. Later they showed a bank statement, but it wasn’t the kids’ one and it was heavily overdrawn anyway.

30 December 2014

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