Friday, August 03, 2007

I have waited a year and a half for this day - The day The Bourne Ultimatum comes out. A fitting conclusion for the film series that kicked the spy genre in the balls and kept on kicking until it keeled over and gave painful birth to the wonderful "Casino Royale."

One of the best things about the Bourne films is the way that Bourne uses whatever random items that are at his disposal to serve his own ends. But unlike Jackie Chan, who does the same thing in a comical fashion, Bourne's ingenuity usually doesn't provoke laughter; it provokes a fear that would shake you to your core if you were a rival henchman/assassin. Here are the top 5 Jason-Bourne-improvised weapons:

Just because you can use a book to educate yourself doesn't mean you can't use it to brutally injure someone. For obvious reasons, I don't have a video or screen grab of this one yet, but you can catch a glimpse of this bit in the trailer for the film:

Picture this scene: You've lost your memory and you're visiting your posh apartment with a quasi-cute girl. All of a sudden, a trained assassin rappels through the window with an automatic weapon and starts shooting the shit out of everything. What do you do?

If you're like me, you'd cower in a corner and wet yourself, waiting for your inevitable demise. But if you're Jason Bourne, you grab a bic and cram it into the guy's fist. Because nothing says "deadly weapon" like a $.07 bic pen:

(To get to the fight scene, fast forward past the first 7 minutes of this video)

I never thought I would see a magazine used as a weapon in a fight scene, but Bourne doesn't just use it to beat the guy senseless: He also uses the magazine to blow up the guy's house afterwards. I pray that the real CIA trains our assassins to be this creative.

(Same scene/video as above) After a brutal, messy, magazined fight, Bourne barely pulls off the win by grabbing a nearby electrical cord and depriving his enemy of life-giving oxygen. Good thing IKEA makes those lamp cords durable.

Few people remember that before partaking in one of the most memorable car chase scenes in the last decade, Jason Bourne utilized a bottle of vodka to do two things: 1) Disinfect a gunshot wound, and 2) temporarily blind a Russian policeman, right before taking out the guy's partner with some martial arts. Badass.

Update: The comments on this post have been great and greatly appreciated. In light of the interest this post has generated, I thought I'd throw up the following:Honorable mentions - items that Bourne used creatively, but not as actual weapons

So a whole fleet of policemen are after you as you're walking through a crowded marketplace. If you're Bourne, it ain't no problem. Just grab a can off of a table and use that "Contents under pressure" label to your advantage.

From the now-famous fight scene with "asset" Desh, Bourne uses these items to temporarily help him against his Blackbriar super agent nemesis. But honestly, the book was really the most painful of them all; the packed crowd that I saw the film with collectively cringed every time he shoved that thing into Desh's neck. Brutal.

[Update: This post has been mentioned on several sites, including Gorillamask, Digg, Neatorama, and Defamer - Thanks to everyone for visiting! Here are a couple of more clips to get you in the mood for "The Bourne Ultimatum," or if you've already seen it, to remind you how awesome this whole series is:

33 comments:

These Born movies rock. Identity: I believe the opponent's chest cavity used by Jason as a spring to break the fall through several flights of stairs is worth a memorable mention. Not a weapon, but still, an improv. device !

Can you replace the proprietary Adobe Flash files you've embedded into the page with standard content links to the image video or audio etc? You're excluding those of us who won't sell out from accessing your site atm!

I fell asleep during Bourne Supremacy. Looking forward to that same catatonic effect in Bourne Ultimatum.

BTW... Did any of you guys actually read any of the Bourne books? THAT Bourne was badass. This Damon Bourne is... yawn.

And I find it strangely appropriate that something can be kicked in the balls to give birth to Casino Royale. Which is anything BUT "wonderful" but I find that the pain induced male parthenogenesis is a highly interesting concept. I wonder what Daniel Craig gave birth to in Casino Royale? Orangutan triplets?

The magazine isn't as creative as you may think. British soccer hooligans have been using tightly rolled newspapers as weapons for years now. So much so that some stadiums are banning newspapers, which seems weird at first.

You know what's just as badass as the Bourne movies? That Matt Damon is fun and funny enough to do the "Guillermo as The Borne Ultimatum" skit for Kimmel. It makes me love him and the whole Borne franchise all the more!

Hi, great post, made me laugh. That hard cover book must be my favorite, but the other stuff is just as awesomely brilliant. Who wouldn't love that guy? I think I'm gonna go see Ultimatum again, so bye...

to TimZ...the device to hijack the car was from the agent he knocked down. Most everyone has one...press the button until you see the car lights.Read the books also everyone! They are great liek the movie.

Someone here asked about killing a man with a roll of toilet paper?it takes a few moments prep time, but...if you unroll two or three feet of toilet paper, braid it, repeat three or four times, and then braid those together, you have what is effectively a garrote.the only drawback with toilet paper is that it is perforated adn can rip at the wrong places, so things like toothbrushes and hairdyers are better for inprov weapons. and as long as you're in the bathroom trying to strangle someone, grab a handtowel and twist it up... much, much better, i guarantee it.

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