Arranged marriages for work well in some US subcultures [video]

JoAnne Viviano The Columbus Dispatch

Wednesday

Apr 20, 2016 at 11:00 AM

Summer Mirza was so nervous the first time she met her now-husband in 2009 that she couldn't look at his face. Instead, she kept her eyes on his shiny shoes. Five days later, she was married to Saqib Naeem Mangla. The Ohio couple believe that their marriage, arranged by their parents, was fated by God.

Summer Mirza was so nervous the first time she met her now-husband in 2009 that she couldn’t look at his face.

Instead, she kept her eyes on his shiny shoes. Five days later, she was married to Saqib Naeem Mangla.

The Ohio couple believe that their marriage, arranged by their parents, was fated by God.

“My mom knows exactly how I am. She knows my nature, my ups and downs, everything about me," Mirza, 27, said as she sat with her husband and their 3-year-old daughter last week on a visit to her parents’ house. “So it just made sense for me to allow my mother to make that decision, who she thought would be a good match for me. And I think it turned out perfectly fine.”

Though about half of marriages worldwide are arranged, such unions are few and far between in the United States, which does not have the culture to support them, said Robert Epstein, senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology in Vista, California, and founder of the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Massachusetts.

Western culture is destroying the system for some first-generation couples, which Epstein calls a "tragedy."

"What they're leaning toward is the fairy tale that we present over and over again in our movies and our TV shows," he said. "It's very, very attractive, it's seductive, but it's not true."

He said arranged marriages are often successful because family members can screen for the reasons that marriages could go sour; couples work to improve their relationships and create intimacy over time; and families and communities offer strong support. Drawbacks include possible coercion or pressure, including violence, exerted on resisting young people.

Arranged marriages are more prevalent in U.S. subcultures that are isolated from the culture as a whole, such as the Amish, Orthodox Jews and Muslims. Along with Indians and Pakistanis, certain African cultures and the Unification Church also arrange marriages.

Americans could learn a lot from borrowing certain aspects of such relationships, Epstein said. India has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world, yet about half of first marriages in the United States fail. Perhaps Western culture could adopt certain, deliberate techniques of arranged-marriage couples, he said.

Mirza and Mangla are members of the Ba'it ul Nasir Ahmadiyya Muslim community in Groveport. Their faith tells them that they cannot date, so arranged marriages are the norm. Both had freedom to say no to the match. Arranged, the family explained, doesn’t mean forced.

“This is their life, so they have a say in it,” said her mother, Laeeqa Mirza, who was 17 and living in Pakistan when she entered into an arranged marriage in 1985 with Asaf Mirza, who was 21 and born in Athens in southeastern Ohio.

She understands the challenges children face in the Western culture. “It is hard for our kids,” she said. “Not being able to date, they’re facing a lot more. It is very, very difficult. … They do struggle.”

Still, her 20-year-old son, Hassan, and his sister, Nadia, 18, will have their parents choose a spouse for them when they feel they are ready.

Hassan, who attends Ohio State University, said his friends ask why he doesn’t date and he tells them it's too much pressure and a lot of headaches. He wants to focus on self-improvement, school and career before getting married.

Lakshmi Priya Chellasamy, 23, felt the same way when her parents approached her with a potential husband. Living in India, she had earned a degree in electrical and communications engineering and had started a new job where she had good friends.

Though an arranged marriage was expected in her Hindu culture, she didn't feel ready. She cried. Her parents pushed her. But as she began talking with her potential husband, she became more comfortable with the arrangement. From December 2014, they talked, became Facebook friends and communicated through Skype.

She married Vijay Palanikumar, 31, a design engineer at Honda Marysville, in India last May and moved to Dublin in September.

The couple's first few months of marriage were difficult, partly because his father had died right before the wedding. But they had been prepared by family members and friends who told them there would be early bumps in the road.

Palanikumar works with many Indian-Americans, and most are in arranged marriages, but he and Chellasamy have decided theywon't arrange marriages for any children they might have. The couple said the culture is changing in India. Now, many couples meet themselves, then ask parents to work out an arrangement. They call it "love come arranged."

Nearly a year after leaving India, Chellasamy is comfortable with giving up her job and her move to the United States.

"He’s totally worth it. I love my man," she said as she wrapped her arm around him.

Jason and Anesia Elsea of Dublin grew up as typical American teenagers and both converted to Ahmadiyya Islam as adults. As such, they did not have their parents arrange their marriages, instead relying on friends and mentors in their religious community. They first spoke in February 2015 and married in August.

Mr. Elsea, who converted in 2010, said he was opposed to arranged marriage until he learned about it. Then, it was the only way that made sense.

“It’s a different situation than I was accustomed to, but it’s something that I wanted to get into headfirst, just dive right in,” said Mr. Elsea, who was divorced and living in Ohio when he met Anesia, who was living in New Jersey. “They leave it up to God, and you pray on it.”

Mrs. Elsea said that she had imagined arranged marriage as "horrible," but now says the process has been much better than the independent dating she did when she was 20. The system takes the physical and emotional aspects of dating out of the equation and turns the focus to pleasing God.

For Summer Mirza, she's confident her parents found the one special person for the rest of her life. The keys for her and Mangla were that they share the same faith, righteousness and willingness to please God.

"I believe that God found the best match for me," she said.

jviviano@dispatch.com

@JoAnneViviano

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