Everybody’s favorite boy wizard is back, working his movie magic once more in
what can only be called a breathtaking extravaganza !!! Hmmm… Wait just a
moment. Can I still call this dude a “boy” wizard ? That’s like referring to Don
Rickles as a “boy” comedian ! Or calling Joe Biden a “boy” vice president… At
any rate, “Harry Potter” has returned (albeit a little long in the tooth).

Speaking of long in the tooth… What on Earth has happened to Maggie Smith ?
She again plays the Professor of Transfiguration “Minerva McGonagall”, who we
first met as an old, shaggy pussy of sorts. (Remember her taking the shape of
a feline in “The Sorcerer’s Stone”) ? Now it appears as if she is trying to pass
some stones after morphing herself into Bette Davis from “Hush… Hush, Sweet
Charlotte”. This geriatric gal’s a grumpy psycho !!!

When Prof. McGonagall graces appears on the screen in “Harry Potter and the
Half-Blood Prince”, I audibly said “Oh, My GOD !”, as little kids in the audience
started shrieking… And then, they have the audacity to give this film a “PG”
rating. Whatever. LOL !!! If she would smile once in a blue moon, she would
not look so Hagrid.

Headmaster “Dumbledore” arguably doesn’t look much better. He kicks off our
flick by flying Harry around the town like the “Ghost of Christmas Past”, telling
the fledgling wizard to hang on to his cloak. Dumbledore’s hand appears to be
horribly mangled, and we soon learn why… He bopped Perez Hilton upside the
noggin after the gossip queen outed him earlier this year !

Our elderly heroes still manage to totally rock though, and I love ’em for it !
They again join forces with Harry and the gang, and despite their advanced
age, everyone is still filled with adventure. Watching these child stars grow
up has been a real treat !!!

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Mickey Rooney as “Harry Potter”

Shirley Temple as “Hermione Granger”

Danny Bonaduce as “Ron Weasley”

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To those of you still untouched by Harry Potter (I was going to put a Michael
Jackson joke in there, but it’s probably too soon) Harry’s a young wizard who
goes to school at an enchanted place called “Hogwarts”.

This campus is a beautiful, whimsical castle where portraits come to life and
fairies dance in the garden !!! At least that’s what the brochure says. Truth
be told, I would NEVER let my kids go there… It’s basically the portal to hell.
But with staff trained in the art of the “liability waiver”, no one really cares !

Samuel L. Jackson did. Once. However he was quieted with a “Shuthimupo”
potion. Sam had burst into a parent/teacher conference screaming, “There
Are Mother F**king Snakes In This Mother F**king School !” (The teachers
then drugged him and tossed him on a plane next to a strange package).

With danger (and dead students) around every turn, it’s a small miracle that
Harry Potter hasn’t gone stark raving MAD !!! If this were real life, the poor
kid would have some heavy issues. Aside from dressing like Marilyn Manson
and becoming a fan of “Twilight”, he would most likely start smokin’ grass.

Yep. Grass !!! The Devil’s Lettuce ! He’d get high to escape the horrors in
his life. We would be treated to flicks such as “Harry Pothead and the Bong
of Bewitchment”, or perhaps “Harry Pothead and the Half-Baked Prince”. He
would inevitably land in prison. Then we would have a TV series called “The
Wizard of Oz” !

Anyway, foul deeds are afoot as the dreaded “Voldemort” sends out his scary
minions to supplant Dumbledore and company (with an agenda most sinister).
After killing Harry’s parents years ago, moldy Voldy now wants him dead too !
What a creep…

Villains like to recruit bullies, so Voldemort finds a sucker in vile young “Draco
Malfoy”. Draco is one of Potter’s schoolmates, and he’s always been jealous
of him. But jealous of what ? Potter hangs out with hideous trolls and some
old fellow in a dress (not to mention he’s got a HUGE red scar on his head) !
Maybe he is envious of his sporty wardrobe ?

Abra… Abrac… Abercrombie !!!

Gandalf Dumbledore and his protege have to embark on some sort of journey
that will involve finding a piece of cheap jewelry, in hopes of using it to stop
the dark forces plotting their demise. After hittin’ all of the pawn shops and
several garage sales, the guys are about to give up empty-handed…

Luck does eventually shine down on our pals, when a parched Dumbledore
sucks all of the water out of an ornate birdbath. He almost pukes, but the
tawdry bauble they have been hunting for is at the bottom !!! Next time, I
would suggest “eBay” !

In addition to finding this treasure, Potter has to stay on his guard with an
odd educator who came out of retirement recently… He wants to “Collect”
Harry. (So that’s what they’re calling it now) !

To make matters worse, Harry is falling for Ron’s little sister “Ginny”. And
Hermione is starting to fall in love with Ron ! (Ginny states that it’s about
time, and I’m inclined to agree)… They hit puberty back in 1942, so things
are loooong overdue.

Rounding out our colorful cauldron of characters, we have “Luna Lovegood”
(a rather quirky breath of fresh air) and the mysterious “Severus Snape” !
The cracked-out Stevie Nicks wannabe “Bellatrix Lestrange” also returns for
good measure, played yet again with fiendish glee by Helena Bonham Carter.

Truly a joy to behold, J.K. Rowling’s imagination is brought to vivid life once
more in glorious fashion… “Harry Potter” done with an art house sensibility.
(Sometimes awash with vibrant hues, and at other times reflecting a silent
film with grainy sepia tones) !

Credit must be given not only to director David Yates, but to his brilliantly
evolved cast. The only fault this movie has is that it’s nothing more than
a bridge (connecting books five and seven). Aesthetically very appealing
but lacking clear resolutions… However, there ishope hidden deep within
the shadows, promising to one day answer all of our questions.

I did love “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, Hogwarts and all !!!

I DO like the idea of Mickey Rooney as Harry. I can only imagine him flying around and then whining about his bad back. But Danny Bonaduce is no Ron Weasley. I haven’t seen the film yet but I will! Nice review Daniel!

i loved the movie..but it’s because i loved the books *sigh* (well most of her books).. and I’m sorry, but Maggie Smith can do no wrong..I’d give my eye teeth (if I still had them) to see her on stage!.. anyway.. gimme a break daniel! I love Rupert Grint and his character (being the true comic relief for all the movies) but Danny Bonaduce?? oh puke! He would scream back at the “screaming letter from his mom about stealing the car” and he’d be happy to follow the spiders (“why is it always spiders? why can’t it be follow the butterflies?”)

LOL when you said Potter hung out with hideous trolls, I thought you were talking about Ron and Hermione! I laughed, but I guess you had to be there. I agree, it wasn’t as enthralling as the other chapters, it made a much better book. Like a romance meets treasure hunters sort of novel. OH, if there was one spell I would want to learn, it would be that awesome kamikazi bird stunt that Hermione did with Ron. Beautiful and deadly take on a whole new meaning there. Oh yes, great review! I couldn’t stop laughing!
E&C

Another great review! Sorry I was out of commission, and wanted to leave a comment earlier. I look forward to your reviews, they are witty and make me laugh. Were the hideous trolls from the movie, or certain guests I had stay with me recently? LOL! I love the comparison of Minerva McGonagall to Bette Davis. TRUE!! I have not seen this picture yet, but it looks fun and the way you describe the details really make everything very visual 🙂 Thanks for being funny!

Well, I was hoping to see what you thought of District 9 or the Time Traveler’s Wife, but now it appears I’m going to have to go see the Newest Harry Potter. I had heard it wasn’t as good as the book, blah, blah, blah, but you’ve never steered me wrong before.