July 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Is Running for Mayor of Northfield

Dear Citizens of Northfield, Living and/or Dead,

I am announcing today, in this august forum in July, my intention to run for the Mayor of Northfield as a write-in candidate.

I do not wish to play that sly insider's game of officially filing for candidacy. I don't want to waste the five dollars or valuable city staff time. Running as a write-in candidate makes the most sense.

How much sense?

I'm a runner; so running for mayor makes sense. I'm a writer; so a write-in candidacy makes sensier. I once also went on a date with a girl named Candi; so being a candidate makes sensiest.

MY PLATFORM- More money for everyone!- More freedom!- A chicken in every hot tub in every car in every garage!- More smoky sensuality!- Capable of listening to stupid things other leaders say!- Kids eat for free on Thursdays!- Occasional control of the weather!- Will build liquor stores everywhere I possibly can!

MY QUALIFICATIONS- Hardly ever been convicted of anything.- Great arm from centerfield.- Smoky sensuality.- Relatively firm handshake.- Avoid conflict of interest issues by not being interested in anything.- No known communicable diseases.- An ardent, passionate, drooling, erotic lust for helping others.- Not a complete idiot.

MY SLOGANBecause the good and bad citizens of this fair city expect so many different things out of their mayor, I find it better to have as many different slogans as possible, depending on who is paying attention. Here are some of them. I will add more as the political winds / events change. I think that's only fair. Some of these were originally posted here.

Being who he is, namely a "titanic" threat to the religious right", Candidate Etter has become the Northfield version of the anti-somebody. One can only ponder the results. Headline in the local paper, "Pile of ashes found in the middle of Division Street". According to local science experts, it could be described as "the flash burnt remains of a human being, possibly". At the same time, no one can seem to find candidate Etter, nor has anyone seen him for several days. Members of the local "The BIble is Always Right" church have been seen walking around Northfield with a facial expression that can only be described as "gloating". Friends of the missing Mr. Etter can only hope that he is off on one of his well know benders and hasn't seen or heard of this event, thus hasn't stepped forward to refute the claims of the religious right that "We finally got that sucker". However as a unbiased observer, it could also be that Mr. Etter was "raptured" and can presently be found in heaven or nirvana, or whoever turns out to be ultimately right in the great game of religion. In any case, this writer wishes Mr. Etter well, wherever he is.God Speed Man!