Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Call me if you feel 'funny'she saysstop I tell herI won'tI don't think about ituntil the time comesWe gather,then disperseWe walkour laughter fills the aira step a head of everyoneI wonderwill i hear those laughs againwill we do this againlaughter penetrates the quiet, calm nightYou're so quiet they always sayare you ok?how are you feeling today?my answer, always the samejust simply, okI get off,look around,a tad darkera tad quietera tad more scared than I was yesterdaymay be, really I should find a different way to do thisNo, my alter ego arguesyou've done it so many timeswhat makes today differentLeft hand in pocket, right outI start the strollat first i quicken my stepsthen i think to myself easy does itslowing myself downI take a deep breathI can do thisthrough Christ who strengthens mewho watches over me and keeps me safe, secureHe is going to watch over meHim who watched over me yesterdaySurely,He will watch over me, He whohas watched over me all these yearsThe night is asleepthe streets abandoned,the roads emptydo i hear voices?i turn around,my right hand getting a tighter gripStay focused, I tell myselfyou're almost theremy eyes dart around in the darkI can't wait to get thereI'm almost there,I see it around the bend,I'm home, safe,I kneel beside itand thank God He has planted guardian angelson paths i trodbecause He already knows where I shall trod todayHe can stay but unless HE stay I won't be safe, I'd rather HE stayso goodnight my loveI've realised what I'd do without GodNOTHINGI'm nothing without God

Dear L-You make me very sad. I think about you every other day. You just seem to invade my mind. Not like I ever push you away or try to not think about you. But, honestly even if i don't i'd rather not think about you yet still i'd rather. When I think about you I want to call and call I do but you've fined the art of not talking to me. I miss you. Period. I love you and there's not two ways about it. You're one of the few people in my life I'd take a bullet for.If I didn't love you, think about you, say a prayer for you daily and want only the best for you I wouldn't have looked for you. I wouldn't have insisted and pissed them off even after they repeated over and over that you were intentionally evading me. I'm not a fool. You know I stayed behind when you showed up that morning because it tore my heart when you begged me to stay so we could talk. We made our mistakes and that's in the past. You did realize after a while what my staying behind cost me. I knew what it'd mean but still i chose to stay.I'm not better than you. I don't have it together, I just try really hard and you know it because you remember what you told me. Not been able to talk to you anymore breaks my heart. I want us to just be family. You're a part of me so it's hard for me to not think about you, to not call and leave you a voicemail once in a while. I don't want ever to live with guilt. I know you know I care and love you.When I asked you about her (that last night we talked) it's because you made me a promise, that night remember? that you'd return that call. In my heart I knew if you didn't do it with me it was not going to get done. Yet, I didn't want to make you do it with me because then it'd seem as though I was calling the shots and plus of course I didn't want to be there during the convo.My eyes tear as I write this because I know he was your hero and I know I'd be worse if mine went away too okie? I don't fully understand my dear but look at me am trying. I'm here for you. I worry about you. You can't let it all go down the drain because he's gone. What if he's looking down and feeling disappointed? don't you want to try and do him proud? I want you to try so bad. If it means me coming back I'll but I won't ever let you go, no. I wouldn't live with myself if I did, i already can't.I'm sorry she did what she did. You can't do anything to change that but do something to best yourself. I don't want to have to find out from someone else how you're or how you're doing because I know it kills you. You're driving me insane, I've very little sanity left I want it to work out for each one of us and you know I always insist on none of us getting left behind and now you're going to take that away? steal from yourself? from us? what can i do? what can i say? what will it take?I worry about you because I know deep down this is not you. Turn yourself around. I'm drained, I can't talk to him because he is sick of me pushing him to try one more time and I can't talk to baby also because he doesn't really fully understand. I refuse to give up on you, so you best not give up on yourself because it's going to kill me. I'd want to believe you'd not give up on me. I know you, you'd put up a fight for me so am not frigging letting go, if it kills me let itall my love,-A-

Words are powerful. They heal or break. It's amazing how many words have been created and continue to be created from an alphabet of 26 letters. It totally blows me away. Some of these words very blessful, others downright curseful.

Now that i think about it, life is all about letters.Letters that make up words. Same way there's the "Numb3rs" t.v. series me thinks they should start one called "Letters".What i say to anyone sometimes really bothers me. I always strive to say words that uplift. Now i'm no angel or saint not even close but i don't find harm in trying. I always want to try, try to better best.

In a multitude of words there lacketh no lie. Usually am a quiet person unless am overly comfortable with you, only then do i run mouth.

Too many a time someone has said words that have broken me, broken my spirit, torn me apart, thrown me off, and even leaving me lost and confused. On countless occassions someone has said very blessing words to me and i've felt uplifted. I too have said both mean and good words to others.

As I grow up each day i realise just how powerful words are. Whether written or said, words remain words. Words cannot be taken back. Once they leave the mouth or are put down it's hard to take them back or justify them otherwise .

From what is abundant in the heart speaketh the mouth. I'm the words I speak. Words that come forth from the mouth is what is in the heart. Be it love or hatred.

I agree sometimes we get caught up in the heat of things and say things we wouldn't be caught dead saying or say words we don't intend to or don't mean. However, we've to learn to reflect and think ahead. Think what the effect and aftermath or consequence of the words about to be uttered or written is.

The words we are they positive or negative? do the words build or corrupt?All this lies in the power of the tongue. Which we very much have control over.I pray, hope and trust God to help me best and refine how i use words that leave my mouth, words i write and even what kind of words they are. Again I discern self-control.