“No, there’s nothing to compare. Isn’t it strange to compare the person that I like the most with an outsider? Who do you want me to compare him with? There’s only one person that I like the most. No one else.”

Ke Bu spoke out his feelings and made Xia Jiazuo dumbfounded: “Am I not a good person in your eyes?”

“Maybe.” Ke Bu slowly turned his face and looked at Xia Jiazuo: “But have I ever said that I like a good person?” Then he stood up, Xia Jiazuo also stood up, and he did not continue asking about this topic: “Are you going back to the classroom?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go together. I also have something to discuss with your homeroom teacher.” Ke Bu nodded. He did not want to talk too much. Generally, he just felt it would be a waste of energy. Ke Bu believed that he was not a man who would walk to trip and fall without reason, but he did not know where the glass marble came from. When he was about to reach the classroom, from the corner of his eyes, he saw Zhi Li and a girl were both standing outside the classroom door. He became uncertain in his heart. Xia Jiazuo held him by the arm. Ke Bu did not panic. He only looked at Zhi Li. The girl seemed to have handed him a piece of something, much like a movie ticket. She was blushing as she said: “Please, you have to come. Thank you.” After that, she ran away.

“Ke, Ke Bu, are you okay? You look very ghastly?” Xia Jiazuo’s voice caught Ke Bu’s attention back. He stood firmly, and it was ridiculous. Zhi Li simply pushed Ke Bu to others just because he might go out with a perfectly legitimate beautiful girl?

“Oh no. Zhi Li saw it just now. Zhi Li, it’s not like what you think…”

“There’s no need to explain.” Ke Bu stopped Xia Jiazuo. He did not care — care about whether he fell or not, whether the other supported him or not. As expected, it seemed that Zhi Li was not interested in listening. He walked into the classroom with the ticket in his hand. Xia Jiazuo was about to go and chase after him but Ke Bu stopped him. Ke Bu bit his lip and then he loudly said: “I don’t think you should chase after him, so you won’t be punched again for no reason.” Zhi Li swept his eyes toward Ke Bu, making people tremble. It was too late for Ke Bu to avoid it, so he returned to his seat and buried his head on the table.

Troublesome — this kind of love affair was troublesome. There was too much emotion that had nowhere to go. If it were the same as in the past, what had just happened earlier would make Zhi Li speak sarcastically. That bitter and sour feeling was the after-effect of love; but now it was already impossible for him to restrain his desire to entirely have Zhi Li. It was troublesome to be in love — troublesome to not say what was in his mind — troublesome for him to feel so much pain and also to want to let Zhi Li experience this kind of pain — troublesome that he told a lie. He obviously liked him very much. He liked to fall in love with him. He liked Zhi Li’s body temperature. He liked his personality. He liked his face. He liked his evilness — he liked him so bad. Zhi Li, my Zhi Li, my dearest Zhi Li.

You’re so smart, can’t you see? I like you — this kind of feelings.

Before he noticed it, Ke Bu fell asleep on the table. The school bell woke him up. There was no more class in the afternoon. Ke Bu slowly packed up. When he was ready to leave, the books in his hand were knocked off by a boy who was rushing out from behind. Ke Bu shouted: “What the hell are you doing?” The boy quickly apologized. Ke Bu merely picked the books up. No one would care. He covered his head until no one could see his face. He muttered to himself: “For what reason, why are you doing this?” The boy stood there awkwardly and finally left. All the noise in the class gradually toned down. Ke Bu just kept kneeling on the ground. He did not say a word and kept holding the books in his arms. He did not stand up and also did not leave.

“What? Crying?” Zhi Li’s voice had no emotion.

Ke Bu looked up and frowned: “Stop dreaming. Who do you think you are for me to cry for? I, Ke Bu, am not a person who will cry for you, Zhi Li!”

Ke Bu threw the books at Zhi Li. The books hit Zhi Li’s body and scattered on the ground. Zhi Li knitted his brows: “Haven’t you had enough?”

This impatient tone made Ke Bu think that someone had drawn all of the air so that he even had difficulty in breathing. Could it be that in Zhi Li’s eyes, he was just purposely making trouble? Ke Bu smiled, picked up the books and put it nicely in his arms: “I had enough. I’m so tired making trouble alone.” He was about to go but he was caught by the wrist by Zhi Li. Ke Bu wanted to shake him off but he just felt pain in his wrist: “Let me go. I still have something to do.”

“What kind of thing?”

“Didn’t you say I should try it with Xia Jiazuo?” Ke Bu’s words were more powerful. Ke Bu was then pressed against the wall. He could see that Zhi Li was angry.

Zhi Li’s face drew near Ke Bu’s. He breathed on Ke Bu’s face and said: “It seems that you really want to make me angry.”

“Then you really flatter me. Do I have that ability? Do I have that competence? In your eyes, am I not the kind of person that you can just casually abandon?”

“In that case, in your eyes, am I the kind of person that can be compare casually with other men?”

“Who was the one that told me to be like this? To let me try it with Xia Jiazuo? Am I the kind of person that can be casually given to others? I’m the person that you like, am I still one? Or am I not? You just put me aside in there, just like that, and let me try it with others. How do you think I feel? You shouldn’t, you shouldn’t treat me like this. I’m sad. I’m not happy. I’m angry. I hate you, Zhi Li, I hate… You said those words so easily. I can’t take it. I didn’t even have the courage to see you together with some other girl but you…” Ke Bu pushed Zhi Li with his other hand. He pushed him with all his strength.

“Then you’re allowed to speak like that? Ke Bu, you’re allowed to praise other men? You’re allowed to hug and cuddle with other men? No can do! Ke Bu, let’s feel the pain together.” Zhi Li bit Ke Bu’s lower lip. The pain from his lip reached the bottom of his heart. Ke Bu looked pale and weakly trembled. Zhi Li let go of Ke Bu then drew near his ear and whispered: “Ke Bu, then be afraid a bit, be very afraid of me, so afraid that you wouldn’t dare leave me.”

Yes, that was one of the most important things that made Zhi Li unable to calm down — when he actually realized that Ke Bu was afraid of him. The moment he evaded him when he reached out his hand, Zhi Li heard a piece of his heart crumble. Ke Bu had stayed by his side for so many years. It was absurd if, in the end, he changed back to the person who was afraid of him. Like those in his childhood, those who were in his junior high school, and others who looked at him with fear in their eyes.

The cellphone in his bag rang. Zhi Li looked at the caller ID and picked up the call.

“Hello, hmm, speak. I must go? Okay, I know.”

Is that from the girl just now? Both of them had exchanged their phone numbers? The pain in Ke Bu’s chest was so intense that he fled, fled far away from Zhi Li. He did not want to hear it. He did not want to hear it even for a bit. Why did Zhi Li let him hear it? He hated quarreling like that. For so many times, he was alone in the room listening to his mom and dad cursing at each other from outside the room and the sound of plates being thrown. Ke Bu wanted to shout ‘All of you, shut up for me. Beat it. If you can’t be together then beat it. Stay away from my world. Stay away from my home.’ This time, it was him who was in a quarrel. This time, who should he shout ‘shut up’ to, who should he shout ‘beat it’ to? His whole world was only divided into two kinds — Zhi Li or loneliness.

This entangled thread has bound you and it has bound me. If I move, I would be tied up to you, and if you move, you would be tied up to me. In the end, it would eventually become a deadlock. We couldn’t break away from it. We couldn’t move forward. We couldn’t back out from it. We would die in the same place. Pain! It hurts so much!

14 thoughts on “HIHEZL : 32. Pain!”

Pain.. yup it hurts so much.. THIS CHAPTER HURTS SO MUCH T.T my heart is stinging for this two adorable twerps huhu whhhyyy.. but Thank you very very much for the update! I am dying D: Fightoooo nee!!! Thanks for your hardwork and effort :3