Second Marriage

Down-to-earth wisdom for the second time around.

In a perfect world, men and women would marry, live long and happy lives together and leave this world at about the same time. There would be no need for second marriages. But we live in a world that is far from perfect. People sometimes die young, leaving behind grieving spouses with potentially long lives ahead of them. And too many marriages simply do not last and collapse into divorce.

Having served as a congregational rabbi for the past 38 years, I have seen it all: second marriages that thrive; second marriages that are doomed from the start; second marriages wrecked by children; second marriages in which the children from both sides fuse together into a happy and cooperative unit; second marriages that collapse under financial strain and second marriages that endure, but unhappily.

Interestingly, the divorce rate among second marriages is higher than that among first marriages. One would think that an individual who has gone through a divorce would have "learned his lesson" and will, therefore, not repeat the mistakes of the past. Alas, this is often not the case.

Those who marry to fulfill certain needs but are not prepared to give in return usually marry with the same intent the next time around. The second marriage becomes nothing more than a walk down a precipice, a courtship leading to fresh disaster (fresh only because it involves a new partner).

Does it make sense for someone who failed to marry again?

Sometimes, another questionable pattern is at work. One who leaves a marriage because of financial instability, may, for example, try to find a new partner who offers the promise of financial security. The same is true of the other significant marital issues – sexual fulfillment, lack of emotional connectedness (communication), problems with in-laws, et cetera. Since the spouse left the marriage because of a particular problem, she understandably wants to ensure that she will not have to contend with the same problem all over again. But life often plays funny tricks on people. The second-time newlywed finds out, often after it is too late, that the new spouse is indeed different from the first. And while the new spouse may have what the first spouse lacked, he may also lack what the first spouse had.

Following Divorce

Does it make sense for someone who has failed to marry again? Hardly anyone considers this question seriously, and even though we know the answer in advance, it is wise to give this question some thought.

Though it is generally true that it takes two to tango and only one to "untango," there is hardly a divorce in which the break-up is exclusively the fault of one of the partners. So, it behooves any divorced person to engage in serious soul-searching before remarrying, to contemplate what will be done differently so that the next marriage will endure.

Anyone who fails to do this before remarrying is irresponsible and not ready for remarriage. One who cannot recognize his mistakes and learn from them is bound to repeat them. This common-sense observation falls into the general ambit of "Love your fellow Jew as yourself " (Levitcus 19:18), which is Talmudically understood as the obligation to engage in the type of activity that will enhance the viability of an impending marriage.1

Following Death

A second marriage following the death of one's spouse poses other challenges. One may wrestle with various emotions when contemplating remarriage. The unease can affect one's ability to remarry even years after the death.

It is odd that many people are more likely to question a marriage following the death of a spouse than one following a divorce. The key element in this upside-down reaction is the loyalty factor. No loyalty is expected towards a divorced spouse, but loyalty is expected towards the deceased spouse.

A good first marriage naturally begets a second marriage.

There are those who regard remarrying as an act of betrayal. But if loyalty means maintaining whatever was built in the first marriage, it is entirely likely that the surviving partner can more successfully accomplish this with an understanding new partner.

Another faulty perception is that a remarriage reflects negatively on the former spouse. A good first marriage naturally begets a second marriage. If anything, remarrying testifies to how good the first marriage was, good enough to warrant another marriage.

Loyalty needs to be viewed from a Torah perspective. Clearly, the Torah mandate to marry is not to give marriage a try; it is to be married. If a first marriage is terminated, the imperative to marry remains.2 How can the fulfillment of a Torah mandate be considered disloyal?

Children

A second marriage, similar to a first marriage, should not be hurried into. This is especially important because of the many factors present in second marriages that are usually not present in first marriages. The most obvious of these is children.

Children of all ages are vulnerable, albeit in different ways, following either their parents' divorce or the death of a parent. This vulnerability can be manifested in a child viewing the potential newcomer to the family matrix as an intruder, threatening to take away the time and affection of the parent upon whom the child most relies.

The remarrying parent needs to make a genuine effort to understand and address the child's concerns. This is best achieved by listening carefully, acknowledging that his worries are not crazy, wild ruminations and assuring him that he will always be loved and looked after. It helps even more if the newcomer goes out of her way to befriend the child, and does things with him together with the biological parent. Actions that reinforce words go a long way.

The new spouse joins the family out of love for the children's parent, deeply committed to doing what is best for the stepchildren.

A newcomer must never come into a family with the attitude that he will replace a parent. The proper attitude is that the new spouse is joining the family out of love for the children's parent, and is, therefore, deeply committed to doing what is best for the stepchildren. Children are a potential block to remarriage, but they need not be.

It helps if the children realize that it is important for the parent to be content. Parenting always works better in contentedness than in melancholy. Children will be the prime beneficiaries of parental happiness. When parents are happy, children can prosper.

It is also important for the children to realize that their parent has an ongoing mandate to be married, and that remarriage is therefore a Torah-based endeavor. This realization can help to neutralize potential resistance to remarriage. Younger children are less likely to be able to appreciate this; unfortunately, even older children and adults do not automatically embrace this perspective.

Many children make up their minds in advance, sight unseen, that they will not like their stepparent. Even if they can point to some objectionable character trait of the stepparent, it does not justify behaving disdainfully, nor does it excuse their doing whatever possible to disrupt the new relationship.

First, as is codified in Jewish law, children are obliged to extend deferential respect to the spouse of their parent, as part of the respect that is due to their parents.3 Second, and perhaps more to the point, is the meaning of the famous, previously cited obligation to love one's fellow Jews as oneself. This is considered a, if not the, fundamental of the Torah. If we are serious about being Torah Jews, we cannot ignore any detail, least of all a foundation.

In his outstanding ethical treatise, Pele Yoetz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo observes that the Torah obligation to love others is not necessary when dealing with close friends. There the love is already present, and a Torah directive is hardly required. The directive is necessary when dealing with someone whom one does not like. It is specifically here that the Torah instruction to love one's fellow Jew is needed.4 For children who, for whatever reason, do not like the stepparent, the imperative to love others is crucial, assuming they are mature enough to appreciate this mitzvah.

This is not to suggest that it is a one-way relationship. The stepparent is also apt to dislike the children; she certainly is prone to not like them as much as her own children. But the directive "you shall love" works both ways, from children to stepparent and from stepparent to children.

When the commandment to love others is the operating framework, a second marriage cannot only survive, it can thrive and benefit everyone. When it is not the operating framework, problems abound. And though solutions can be found, they are usually Band-Aids.

Everyone involved should try taking the high road, the accepting approach. Pleasantness and acceptance always work better than nastiness and rejection. With the former, everyone is a winner; with the latter, everyone is a loser.

Finances

Finances are often a sticky point in second marriages. The newlyweds bring their own financial resources and obligations to the new reality. Ideally, it is best if the couple fuses everything together instead of creating the threefold division of mine, yours and ours.

Sometimes this is not practical, especially if funds are legally designated for the children of one of the spouses. The most prudent arrangement is for each spouse to agree, happily, not to touch those designated funds. But it is likewise less than prudent to insist on a strict yours-mine formula, wherein the new husband, for example, refuses to have anything to do with the expenses of the new wife's children. That will likely spill over into a distant, hands-off relationship with the stepchildren, which is also the first step toward marital calamity. One remarries in entirety, not in parts.

The Former (Divorced) Spouse

The former spouse is often a sore point in the new marriage. This is usually a reflection of the relationship that the newly married individual has with the former spouse. Though it might be farfetched to expect that the relationship with one's ex be very good, it is not farfetched to expect that it be functional. It is unfair for the innocent newcomer to the family to be dragged into old messes.

In the Jewish way of thinking, the relationship with one's former spouse is subject to specific requirements, under the heading of "and from your own kin be not oblivious" (Isaiah 58:7).5

Marriage is forever, even after divorce. And the obligation to be a mensch pertains even after divorce.

This is true even if the divorcing couple have no children, and certainly prevails when there are children. The elementary halachic logic in this is as follows: A couple who do not get along (after divorce or when married) invariably put the children into the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. The children are then forced to violate their obligation to honor and respect both of their parents. The sparring ex-spouses thus transgress the all-encompassing and morally powerful exhortation not to put stumbling blocks in front of the blind (those who are unaware).6 Striving to get along after divorce is not only sensible, it is halachically required.

The Former (Deceased) Spouse

Obviously, the new partner should respect the memory of the deceased spouse. On the other hand, the remarrying spouse must recognize that his primary responsibility is now to the new marital partner. No one wants to be in "second place." The remarrying partner needs to be sensitive to this.

Neither the husband nor the wife should overtly engage in mournful activity that conveys that the first partner is still actively present in the heart of the surviving spouse. Which activities are thereby precluded is a matter of dispute in Jewish Law.7

The complications here are best expressed in the observation by Rabbi Yehiel Yaakov Weinberg,8 to the effect that at the same time that we need to take into account the feelings of the second spouse, we also need to appreciate the feelings of the children, who will be pained if they see that their surviving parent has completely forgotten their deceased parent.

As stated earlier, regarding all the unique challenges of a second marriage (or any marriage), choosing "the ways of pleasantness" is the best option. This approach brings out the best in the couple. The joy and fulfillment in the marital relationship will then spill over to the entire family.

Being sensitive, even self-transcending – especially in trying circumstances – rather than being selfish and self-centered is the most vital ingredient in assuring marital success.

2. See further Even Haezer 1:8, Hilchot Ishut 15:16 and Hilchot Issurei Biah 21:26. On the binding nature of the le'erev obligation (not to desist from procreation in later years), Rabbi Zerahyah HaLevi (Hamaor Hagadol) in Alfasi to Yevamot 62b sees le'erev as a rabbinic obligation, with Ramban seeing it as a recommended way of living, but not as a rabbinic obligation. This becomes a matter of contention only after the procreative obligation has been fulfilled. See further my Jewish Marriage, 133-135; 230-231.

3. Yoreh Deah 240:21.

4. Pele Yoetz, under the category "Sin'ah."

5. See further Yerushalmi Ketuvot 11:3, which states that this verse applies to one's divorced partner; divorced spouses are therefore not total strangers after the marriage collapses.

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About the Author

Reuven P. Bulka, a rabbi and psychologist for over 35 years, has personally lost a son and a wife, and his parents died a year ago. Rabbi Bulka''s frequent encounters with well-meaning but unthinking well-wishers led him to dedicate a significant portion of his newest tome, Turning Grief into Gratitude, to sharing the DO''s and DON''Ts of consoling mourners. Rabbi Bulka is the Spirtual Leader of Congregation Machzikei Hadas.
He is the author of over 30 books, including Best-Kept Secrets of Judaism and The Haggadah Connection , published by Targum Press . He has been a columnist, editor and writer for over 20 publications.

Visitor Comments: 20

Though all these issues have played through my mind, I had less than satisfactory ownership of belief. Thank you for this article
I would keep it on file.

(17)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2014 4:09 PM

not mentioned: learning from what happened the 1st time, so as not to repeat

you are correct, there are many who do not learn from their mistakes and repeat them over and over again. there are those of us who work for years on ourselves, in order to Not Repeat the pattern, be it victim of abuse, abuser, or just plain old incompatibility. also, you did not include the issues of abuse regarding divorce. sadly there is a lot of it, and sadly the abuse often carries into the divorce process. if one had a difficult or bad marriage the first time, it is important to get good, spiritual and psychological counseling after. it could take years to work out most of the issues. it may be difficult to wait, it is well worth the wait, to save one's self and family from further serious pain and suffering.

(16)
Anonymous,
January 27, 2012 4:34 AM

"Does it make sense for someone who has failed to marry again?"
There are many Legitimate reasons why people divorce. It doesn't mean they " failed". If a woman was abused and rightfully divorced, would you say she "failed"?

Anonymous,
January 5, 2015 4:46 AM

No! Had no choice

(15)
Aliza,
January 11, 2012 6:52 PM

thank you

thank you for sharing this article regarding second marriages.

(14)
Ann Brady,
September 7, 2011 1:58 AM

L'Chaim to a Rabbi who truly loves life!

Dear Rabbi Bulka, your words are always so wonderful. And to those reading this, you can hear more of Rabbi Bulka on his weekly radio show on www.CFRA.com, on Sunday nights from 9 to 11 (EST Canadian time).

(13)
Anonymous,
August 14, 2011 4:47 PM

Thank you

Thank you for addressing second marriages. As a young widow I have never seen it addressed before. As far as second marriages being a betrayal to the first spouse, I was told by a reliable rabbi that remarrying can cause an aliya to the first spouse's neshama, as being happy in general is also an aliya to the neshama.

(12)
Bobby5000,
March 5, 2011 7:15 AM

Suggestions

1. The natural parent should be the primary disciplinarian. Sometimes time is needed and you should go slow, be pleasant and caring but do not try to force a close relationship with your new spouse's children.
2. Be flexible
3. Have the same commitment as you would to the first marriage. If your lesson from your first marriage was that you need to watch out for yourself better, you may have a problem. That is why second marriages with pre-nup agreements frequently fail, from the onset a partner is thinking of his or her own interests rather than the marriage.

(11)
Ruthie,
December 5, 2010 12:35 PM

With right outlook, good Rabbi, prayer, emunah..basically hard work

the ghost can be put to rest to a varing degree..it would be nice to love & live but unfortunatly, family and "friends" find seeing a new family under the same name & address very difficult to come to terms with..it would be nice to be able to play happy family, but at the moment it's a waste of time, & one can not force the issue, with kids or friends. All I know is that the deceased spouse is safely in Olam Ha Emet, and has no problem with me sleeping in her old bedroom..so come on guys and dolls..get real, by all means privately grieve, but please , if you love us , or half of us, like you claim to do...kindly move on , and embrace the new Mr & Mrs at the old address...because we are moving on, with or without you.

(10)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2010 6:02 PM

My husband has called me his ex wifes name on several occasions

This is a second marriage for both of us, we have been together for 10 years. We are happy and I believe he loves me very much, however yesterday he hurt me very badly, my cell phone rang and I was driving, because he was a passenger, he answered it by saying this is 'ex wifes names' phone. I was desparately upset as why did her name come to his mind. It is not the first time either, there are times I feel I filled the void in his life after she left him for somebody else. We were both divorced when we met,
When I told him my hurt, he said I dont want to discuss this, I will not argue with you, an apology would have made me feel better, today I am doing my best to show it is forgotten, he does not know that I am still hurting - All I want is to feel I am important to him not a continuation of the life he does nt have anymore. When this ahppened in the earlier days of our marriage I accepted it differently, but not after 10 years. He is in contact regularly with her by email, over his two grown up sons, (one is married) His ex lives in another country and has been remarried longer than us.

(9)
Susan,
December 8, 2008 2:40 PM

marriage x 2

my husband passed away three years ago and we had been together for 31 years. the last twelve years of his life he had been sick. I met my husband now and he helped me thru alot of hard times after my first husband died. We will be married two years in February. I have alot of regrets and doubts . He is a great year and I do love him but there are alot of things I wanted to change and he doesn't give in half way at all. I have moved back to my home ten times but always return back to him. When we got married, my children didn't want to have anything to do with him so I moved into his home.
This was his house with his first wife (they divorced 8 years ago).
I really didn't think that would bother me but it does. We had a prenup signed to make sure of saving our assets to our kids but we dont share any expenses together. We both still have separate accounts. Since I still have alot of bills at my home where my kids live, I pay those and he pays his bills. The only thing that I pay for at his house is the groceries.
I have mentioned over and over to have a "join account" but he said to leave as is for now since he says I have alot of expenses already. I have left for many reasons but the main reason I keep leaving is I want to get a home that is called "ours" not his nor mine and he refuses to move. He said he likes it here and wants to stay. I drive 40 minutes one way to work and he says he feels sorry for me to have to do that but never wants to move. The last time I left I went to a counselor to try to get my head on and to figure me out. We kept going back to the problem in hand which was my marriage. She said he needs to come so we can work on this together but he refuses .. told me "waste of money and she will just tell me we need to move" What do I do. His house just feel like my at all no matter what I do to it. He has two kids from previous marriage but they no longer live with us. Now my kids have come around and accepted my new husband but his kids no longer accept me "cause I have left him to many times" but dont think they know all the facts. What do I do to try to resolve my feelings?

(8)
Nicole,
July 31, 2008 7:10 PM

Im so lost sometimes

My spouse and I have 7 children he had 4 boys I had two now we share a daughter in the mix.We have 3 of the children our daughter and two of his boys.Two of his live with there mom one of mine with his dad and one who is on his own in school,Money is causing greif for us.He pays 1600 a mth to his ex wife still untill it goes to court .we cant afford day care and we are scrapping by with what we earn between the two of us.Im forced to bring three kids to work with me.I feel Im not going to hang in there .We make to much for state help.

(7)
Nancy,
December 17, 2007 5:05 AM

Son hates potential partner

I went into a relationship with the right intent, never having been married before. He was divorced. No matter how I try his son hates me. He will not discipline his son and the son is cruel and controlling. He chose his son over me essentially, even though the son is so mean and always said that he wants me to go away. I was the one exiled at the whim of the child, and then ultimately he just said he would not bring a person into his family that the son did not like. I spent so much time, money and caring on them all only to be sent away on the whim of the child. The son looked at me and laughed and made very clear that his mom and he were the only ones that would benefit from the dad's love. He hated if his dad spent a penny on me, which he rarely did. His dad says he feels guilty and that blood will always mean more than any woman.

(6)
Raquella,
April 16, 2006 12:00 AM

second marriages like second boyfriend and girlfriend relationships

I want to answer the person who wrote the "completely disagree" comment, to this second marriages article.

I like many others have been in many many relationships before I met my husband. I had a very serious relationship with one of the guys I was involved with, which almost turned into marriage. He broke up with me for another girl and I was bitter about that for a long time. There were no kids involved thank-G-d but lots of animosity towards the other person. We did say sorry years later and I realized that it was my fault too not just his.

Finally years later I met my husband and he took away all my fears and insecurities! We fell in love and life is great now!

I know this isn't your situation as such! Your parents divorced and then your father got involved with a woman and ignored you etc He should not have done that! There should be a happy medium! A parent deserves happiness but so do the children. To sacrifice one's happiness for their kids is a silly solution and does not usually work! I wish you could have had both your dad's love and affection and also found your new substitute mum to be loving and affectionate too!!!

You should learn from what your dad did and never do that to your kids someday but for now realize as well that your dad did deserve happiness too!!! Life is too short to be mad at him so you should make up with him (if that is still possible) and try and understand his side of the story. You should also try and talk to both of them and let them know how you feel. If she is still in your dad's life then she might not be aware of your feeling left out of the family.

please respond if you can!

I hope I helped!

Happy Pesach!!!!

(5)
Anonymous,
March 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Living in the shadow of my husband's late wife!

My husband seems to believe that since he is widowed his situation is more dignified than mine because I was divorced. I moved into his home and for a long time before we rennovated the home, his late wife's pictures were on the walls and everywhere else in the home. I lived in total embarrassment. On reflection, I believe that I am in an emotionally abusive mariage once again because I can still sense the importance that my husband attaches to his first marriage and he is ready to be unfaithful to our relationship!

The bottom line of my feelings is that, one should be careful not to remarry only to find themselves being treated like second class citizens.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 21, 2006 12:00 AM

learning oneself

I am a divorcee. Although I left out of desperation (my ex was physically and emotionally abusive and not supportive of me), I have realized that I must do a lot of soul searching before remarrying. For a while I was unaware of my fears and my pressures. But now, that I have met a man that I think I would like to spend the rest of my life with, I started asking myself many questions: if I am ready, if I believe in marriage at all, if I will be able to build what I want, do we have future, will I be able to leave my resentments and fear of the past in the past... many, many questions that I need to answer for myself before I go under the Huppa again. But the biggest concern for me is that pressure that I feel - pressure to succeed the second time. It seems that my self-esteem depends on it. It is important to remember that my self-esteem does not have to do with relationship. But it is hard.

(3)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

completely disagree

You stated the statistics in the beginning of your article. Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than second. How could you even suggest that children be at risk to lose again, and potentially again. I think we have an obligation to encourage parents to focus on parenting after a divorce, rather than bring more and more chaos into children's life. One broken home is enough. Wait until the kids are grown up.
From a child of divorce, and another divorce, and a dad who stopped parenting and focused on his new wife.
Feel free to dispute.

Anonymous,
January 9, 2012 2:49 PM

Is it fair to the parent?

I see that you, B"H, have not been thru divorce and have not been alone for many yrs doing just that parenting.
I have been on my own for 11 plus yrs and doing judt that - parenting. B"H 2 of my kids are married and then I have boys in Ysehiva and there aren't many kids left at home and guess what?? My KIDS keep on mentioning that I should consider gettung remarried - and I apeak to them aboyt the fact that then there wil be less time for them and they are still pushing me to do it!!!

(2)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

very well put. A wonderful summary- I more or less followed these precepts, but it would have been a great help if someone had given me this article 10 years ago!
I have already passed this on to someone contemplating taking this step. Hope it will help him.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2006 12:00 AM

are there exceptions?

Are there any exceptions to your thoughts in the case of abuse by the former spouse during the marriage? What if the children were included in the abuse?
In other situations, what if the new spouse began the relationship with the former spouse while the couple were still married?
Please acknowledge that there are situations in which it is not safe to maintain an ongoing relationship, especially when the former spouse/parent does not acknowledge or take responsibility for harmful actions.
Yes, one needs to be a mensch, but sometimes a continuing relationship is not safe or possible.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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