Uncle Ben's Blog

The subtle notes of the mayonnaise complemented by the rustic nature of the bread really make the store-bought bologna stand out in your 8 year-old's sack lunch. Holy shit on a stick (that was a Chopped ingredient, no?)!! Hey, I like food as much as the next guy. I may like it a tad more. Ol' Uncle Ben is a big boy, but enough is enough is enough already! I don't want to get off on a rant here but I have had it with the food obsessed culture we are currently marinading in. The obsession we have with watching people cook is bad enough. If you're watching because you're trying to learn or may have company coming over and the pigs in the blankets you served last time got you "Chef-Shamed" by your hipster douche-bag, Guy Fieri watching, kale shake drinking friends, that's one thing. But to watch all by yourself because you can't open a can of peaches without your mommy, now that's just sad. And enough with the gluttony of these shows. Bad enough I have to watch a 1080p HD close up of some tatted up fuckstick drip roast beef au jus down his platinum colored goatee, but to watch that same shitbird eat what amounts to the exact number of hot dogs that would feed 34 villages in Nairobi is just plain wrong. When did a close-up of a dude chewing with his mouth open and describing flavors only his "perfect palate" can identify become good tv? Fuck that guy. And fuck his perfect palate. I put ketchup on everything. You know why? Because then everything tastes like ketchup. And I love ketchup. And speaking of tattoos, when did the official uniform of a chef become sleeve tattoos, spiked hair under a bandana and those fucking ridiculous earlobe stretching earrings? Nothing makes me hungrier than literally watching someone stretch their skin like silly putty and then imagining what sort of air-travel shutdown causing bacterial virus is living in Chef Neptune's ear pasta. We get it, you're a rockstar. You put salt on a pancake because society can't handle your awesomeness and mom and dad just wanted a decent family portrait for once. And enough with the timed cooking shows. I have an idea. It's a show where the chefs get to take their time and make good food with real ingredients and then they get paid at the end. It's called, "Uncle Ben Goes Out For Dinner" and it happens all the time. There's your reality. ACTUAL FUCKING REALITY. Or maybe I'm just really, really hungry whilst I write this and I just need a ketchup sandwich. But I digress...