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Topic: Timing a Dumping (Read 19580 times)

I think like others are saying, the most important thing is to make is as painless as possible for the other person. You definitely don't want to do the "pretend all is ok to spare feelings" - I'm a firm believer that the faster the better once a decision is made. That said, I totally understand the phone issue, and can see how it may have to at least wait until in person.

Lynn2000 - similar to your story, I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him". Stretching things out like that is just wrong to me, and it made it really hard for others as well, who knew her plan but were forbidden to say anything - which I think was now the wrong choice. That it might have been better for someone - anyone! - to tell him in that time became more clear when we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him"....we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

Cases like this aren't so much about wanting to spare someone else's feelings, but about not wanting to deal with the fuss and trauma of a breakup - ie, about sparing your own feelings.

I knew a girl who decided to break-up with a live-in, told others her plans, but didn't bother to actually say it to him until a few weeks later because it was "so hard" and she didn't want to "hurt him"....we realized that while she didn't tell the live-in during those three weeks, she did start a new relationship in that time... the ex was extremely hurt by it all, but particularly by the weeks of cover-up that were allegedly meant to spare his feelings.

Cases like this aren't so much about wanting to spare someone else's feelings, but about not wanting to deal with the fuss and trauma of a breakup - ie, about sparing your own feelings.

When I read your update, Sneezy, my compassion for him dropped substantially.

So did mine. It reminded me too much of a guy I dated who was also a ranter. I'd try to tell him something and before I could get it out, he was on a rant about what he THOUGHT I was going to say. I no longer have any patience for that kind of drama. If you're (general you) going to talk to me like that, I don't want you coming by to celebrate a birthday or anything else.

I was going to wait until there was a resolution to this thread before adding general silliness, but apparantly my 14-year old inner boy cannot help itself!

Obviously, the title: I actually did think the thread was going to be about when it is ok (as a female) to actually admit that we are human and things come out of our back-end. I do still remember wayyyy back in the day, in my early twenties, being desparate to hold in air or otherwise during overnight visits. The thought of having a new paramour hearing standard bathroom noises was excruciating. Now, I would hoot and toot (pun fully intended) at the idea of creating that type of self discomfort.

Then the OP (in post #23) has to mention "Dump Day". My 14-year old boy turned back the clock. He is now twelve.

Thirdly, the OP is named Sneezy. Ok, now I know I am really stretching, but it just seems all a part of a package........hee.

But, seriously, OP, I do hope that the planned break-up goes/went reasonably painlessly. I have done the long-distance break-up thing. It has never been seamless.

1) Call him closer to the end of his trip and tell him that you have been thinking about it, and the time he needs to be away plus the reception you got when you called him to try to help return his phone causes you to think that this is not a viable relationship for you. You thought long and hard about calling this emergency phone and disturbing him but didn't want him to have to fly to visit you when you were just going to tell him that you didn't want to see him.

2) Let him come to you, but then tell himthat you have been thinking about it, and the time he needs to be away plus the reception you got when you called him to try to help return his phone causes you to think that this is not a viable relationship for you. You thought long and hard about having him to fly to visit you when you were just going to tell him that you didn't want to see him, but that you didn't want to disturb him on his trip as he had indicated to you.

At this point I would do the one that causes you the least issues, which is 1.

Can you ship his phone to him at the work site, signature required, and then PHONE him on it to let him know that you don't think that he needs to come visit you after his reaction to the last time you tried to talk to him?

What did I say to cause that rant? "Hey, I know you're busy, but what address did you want me to have the guy who found your phone send it to?" Incidentally, I had the guy mail his phone to his home address. If he wanted it on the road or sent to a neighbor, I didn't get a chance to find out.

That was the final straw. We have fun together and I love him very much, but he can't get past the fact that I am not his ex. I do not freak out over stupid things. I do, however, have no patience with someone telling me that they don't have time to talk followed by a long defensive rant followed by fit about time wasted listening to me when I couldn't finish a single sentence. Last time this happened (this happens at least every couple of weeks), I told him that I was not going to bring this up again and just quietly end things rather than have either of us deal with drama. I'm very sad this has to end, but I'm not an emotional punching bag for when he feels guilty about something that has nothing to do with me.

I think that was the trigger phrase.

You used it to mean, "sorry to bother you when you're busy," and his ex (and many, many other reasonable people, including me) use it to mean, "I don't want to accept 'I'm busy' as an excuse." In a way that *was* what you meant, just not in an accusing way: "you may be busy, but I need X from you despite that."

(Not saying that his overreaction is not a viable indicator for you--it is. And a person doesn't ever need to justify why they're breaking up. Just brought it up as an interesting side lesson in semantics.)

Maybe the way to reach him is to send a message to that phone, streamline in order to avoid possible trigger phrases, that says: "Need to speak with you soonest, well before you travel back. Pls phone." Or, "need to speak with you right away--need you to change your travel plans. Please phone."

Perhaps "I know you're busy" was a trigger phrase, but I did follow it up with it being a favor for him and not a need for me.

In any case, here's how things panned out.

Not too long after I posted, his sibling wrote on FaceBook that their mother passed away. They were semi-estranged, but she was one of his two remaining family members. Cue a few days of me cringing over dumping a guy on the heels of a death in the family.

The night before, he called and could tell something was up. He didn't think the issue the week before was that big of a deal since he's more accustomed to more explosive relationships. To him, being that busy and used to a different communication style, maybe not. But if it's the only communication I have with someone in a two week period, it doesn't exactly make me want to have any further communication with that person. Since there were clearly a large number of people around him, I left it at saying that it was a bad idea for him to come out and to go ahead on home and I'd call him in a few days.

A few hours later, after I went to sleep, he calls again to let me know that he really missed me and if I was doing okay since I didn't sound right when we spoke earlier. Yep. Doing fine, mumble mumble, zzzzzz...

Next night, they drop him off and he gets to my door after they drive off. Apparently, I was a little more vague in my half asleep state on the "do not come here" stance and said, "I don't care, but it's not going to be a good visit. Go home unless you want to deal with a hell visit." Great. I tell him what the problem is and suggest that he go home. He apologized and said he'd get counseling for the issues and that he really didn't want to lose me. We hung out as scheduled and are now on hiatus until he's had at least three visits to the shrink.

Hmm, I guess I'm confused, but maybe you are, too, OP. You said, "Don't come here, go on home," and he came anyway. You said, "This isn't going to be a good visit, you should go home," and he stayed anyway. He got news while on the trip that a relative died, but that didn't lead to him alter his travel plans either. He also called and woke you up (presumably at a time when it was reasonable that you were asleep) and tried to have a meaningful conversation with you when you were groggy, and, it seems, blames that grogginess for why he didn't "understand" that he shouldn't come visit you. Even though you told him that clearly before.

That's one take on it, anyway. I'm getting the feeling that he's not really listening to you. If he actually does go to a counselor maybe he will indeed learn about different communication styles and improve. However, it might also happen that he'll have reasons why he never gets around to the counselor, or their advice might not sink in. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I think you have to be prepared for bad outcomes and decide how you're going to deal with it, what your hard limit will be. Because you were pretty confident about your hard limit before, and he managed to talk you out of it. Which I'm not saying is necessarily a bad thing--people are allowed to change their mind, and these situations can be very nuanced--but just keep this in mind for the future. It's easy to fall into a pattern of "just one more chance" when really a clean break would be best.