Testosterone Tuesday

Today is Testosterone Tuesday.

Before getting to the main event, after years of searching I have finally…after all hope was gone…found the entire version of the Lee Greenwood song “Bandit Express” from Smokey and the Bandit 3. I have searched everywhere, and can now enjoy the nobility made famous by Burt “Bandit” Reynolds and Jerry “Snowman (rest his soul)” Reed. When Buford T. Justice sees me on the highway at least I will have the right music playing.

This has been a fabulous few days for a certain Hebrew Alpha Male. It should be heaven for alpha males everywhere. Between songs about car chases, NFL football, and lots of red meat, only one thing could make things even better. This brings us to Testosterone Tuesday.

The other day right before Rosh Hashanah I went with a friend to see “The Expendables.”

Thank the heavens for this movie. I have said many times that sometimes it is time for alpha males to go watch people in the movies just blow sh*t up.

Why? Because it’s cool.

Not since “Judge Dredd” and “Over the top” has Stallone been this cool.

(Great scene 1 from Judge Dredd…Stallone…”It’s impossible! The evidence has been falsified! I never broke the law! I am the law!

Great scene 2 from Judge Dredd…bad guy Armand Assante after killing his political rivals…”Now who says politics is boring.”

Over the Top had the best tough guy character name in Lincoln Hawk, and truckers slapping each other in the face to get pumped up before arm wrestling is as good as it gets.)

In the Expendables, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Micky Rourke, and Dolph Lundgren (as much fun to say as it is to watch) all play a role in either exacerbating or reducing problems through carnage.

While this movie was totally apolitical, Phil Donahue and other liberal pansies were nowhere to be found. Nobody sang Kumbaya in this movie.

Initially when watching the Expendables I pictured the bad guys as the Palesimians. For a moment I saw Ariel Sharon burning down Gaza. It was a beautiful way to lead into Rosh Hashanah.

Yet while the Expendables could take down Palesimians, imagine how great life could be if the few Hollywood stars who are not completely worthless took down the rest of Hollywood.

Not since Ken Wahl of “Wiseguy” fame played a guy named Boomer in the “Taking of Beverly Hills” has an opportunity to wreak glorious havoc on the worst elements of American culture been so tantalizingly close.

First the Expendables should invade an area even more corrupt and dangerous than the Middle East or South America.

That’s right, they should launch an attack from New York and take down New Jersey.

They would start with the cast of the Jersey Shore. If Mike Sorrentino thinks he is a tough guy Guido, let him contend with Stallone. I am sure Dolph Lundgren could beat the daylights out of Snookie and then force her to spell her own name right.

Once the Jersey Shore cast was eliminated, Jet Li could singlehandedly kickbox the tar out of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Given New Jersey’s strict gun control laws, it has been impossible to give these ladies all guns and let them duel at ten paces. Therefore, karate moves by Mr. Li will be needed to eviscerate the worst garbage from the Garbage State.

(Chris Christie can join the team if he passes the initiation test that Schwarzenegger did not, taking down the teachers’ unions. Rudy Giuliani took down the mafia, but that pales in comparison to the teachers’ unions.)

Schwarzenegger was a failed governor of California because he failed to crack down on crime, as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan remained free. He could redeem himself by taking down every celebrity to the left of Jon Voight.

Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer was not in the movie, but no movie is perfect. While Guns n Roses was in the soundtrack (Schwarzenegger is a fan), not one of the characters smashed any Barbra Streisand or Cheryl Crow records. Again, no movie is perfect.

So for those who want to attack the movie as simplistic, jingoistic, chest thumping, I summon Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan R. Jessup. You’re D@mn right is is.

We are all expendable. Yet for one hour and forty minutes, the complexities of life were boiled down to simple principles that Neocons understand.

Take the bad guys, blow sh*t up, and shove the American flag up their hide until they go to the toilet red, white, and blue. Then pull their trousers down, and either hang the flag from their blankety-blanks or take a cattle prod and brand a tattoo of Uncle Sam on their hides.

To paraphrase a famous NFL quarterback after a Super Bowl loss, we need to take the bad guys and hand them their hides on a platter with the tray being bent.

I hate to criticize the movie, but not a single United Nations diplomat was blown to kingdom come.

Other than that, for a brief window of time, the wussification of America was suspended.

I am not in the mood to wrestle a live bull right now since if I won, the animal rights activists would bother me. So instead I will eat a dead cow after violently hitting a bottle of blood until it pours all over the steak. The blood will resemble ketchup.

For those worrying about the alpha male crash after the high, don’t worry. Gordon Gekko is out of prison any day now and ready to retake Wall Street, because Money Never Sleeps.

7 Responses to “Testosterone Tuesday”

“We are all expendable. Yet for one hour and forty minutes, the complexities of life were boiled down to simple principles that Neocons understand.

Take the bad guys, blow sh*t up, and shove the American flag up their hide until they go to the toilet red, white, and blue. Then pull their trousers down, and either hang the flag from their blankety-blanks or take a cattle prod and brand a tattoo of Uncle Sam on their hides.”

yeah Jersey, I know you’d love to elaborate on that as astutely and eloquently as you could just try and exceptionolize the left as more academic about things, but sometimes the simplest approach works and it actually takes more than a multi dimensional multi complex thinker to figure that out.

“Take the bad guys, blow sh*t up, and shove the American flag up their hide until they go to the toilet red, white, and blue. Then pull their trousers down, and either hang the flag from their blankety-blanks or take a cattle prod and brand a tattoo of Uncle Sam on their hides.’

I was thinking more of dressing em all up like Ru Paul and air dropping them into Iran and N. Pakistan

I love a fun, pointless, expensive action movie romp as much as the next guy, but to point up the silly fare of a hackneyed Hollywood vehicle for middle-aged action stars as a metaphor for one’s political values is… well… er… uh… well… kinda pathetic.