Amid reports of Columbia University’s long and complicated ties to slavery, President Lee Bollinger has asked that he receive reparations from the descendants of those involved in the bloody trade. Bollinger cited himself as the primary living victim of the complex history, as he must now manage the outcry and public backlash.

Speaking from his three-story, red brick mansion overlooking Morningside Park, Bollinger read a prepared statement, held in front of him by Joffrey, his tuxedo-clad butler: “It’s always shocking when you look back and realize things we think of as deeply immoral were taken for granted as a part of life, and I frankly think I’m owed an apology. And perhaps a foot massage.”

“Slaves? That’s pretty fucked up,” commented Bollinger. “When I signed my recent four year contract with this university, it was under the premise I’d be taking on a respectable, moral academic institution -- not Yale, for God’s sake. I was not made aware of its repugnant past. Really, I would have become a free agent, or at least asked to be traded to Brown. So really, you owe me.”

One might expect reparations to be paid to descendants of slaves by the families who historically owned their ancestors. This solemn and necessary procedure, according to Bollinger, is how he would like to be ameliorated. “I’m not asking for much. I mean, don’t be so stingy! A small $50,000 gift will suffice to give my Audi a 6-inch lift.”

At press time, Bollinger was seen having Joffrey apply different shades of rouge to his face.

“Exposing Westchester’s kids to this kind of disease is nothing short of morally repugnant,” said local activist group FreeEdu. “If you want to do justice to teaching America’s colonial past, you should be giving them smallpox instead.”