Los Angeles-- Where Dating comes to Die.
No one dates in Los Angeles. Ok, no one that isn't a supermodel or actress or 21 or blonde. But I haven't given up entirely-- at least not this week.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Get Me a Lawyer

We live in a litigious society. There is just no doubt.

*A couple decide to have sex on the subway tracks in NYC. A train comes and they narrowly manage to survive by rolling into the gutter. They then promptly sued the NY transit for not warning them that they were in danger of an incoming train. [Well, sure, who expects a train on train tracks?? ;)]

*A man breaks into a home and trips on a loose carpet runner on the stairs. The homeowners were out of town, so he spent the night at the bottom of their stairs with a broken leg. The burglar sued the homeowners for negligence. [So, be certain to keep your house up in order to be more hospitable to the criminal element.]

Man meets woman. He is inexplicably drawn to her regardless of their differences. He overcomes all odds to pursue her. He declares his love and lifelong devotion. They kiss—for the first time. Happily ever after occurs about a day later.

 At no point in this process is there a 27 page form that will help an electronic dating service select possible matches for you.

 At no point did Cinderella have to spend 2 hours trying to figure out (for said form) if she was more adventurous or more creative, while trying not to admit that all she really wanted to do most Saturday nights was watch TV.

 At no point did Sleeping Beauty have to wonder—hmmm do guys in LA expect the Brazilian wax or the playboy, since there seems to be a war on pubic hair?

 While poison apples are tricky, Snow White got a vow of lifelong devotion before she had to reveal to her suitor if she was sexually traditional or adventurous, not on the 3rd freakin date.

 Not one of the lovely fairy tale ladies had to analyze their emails for signs of interest. I mean, seriously, did you ever hear anyone say “What does Prince Charming mean by that? Is that Prince Charming flirting with me? How am I supposed to respond to that? Will Prince Charming think my thighs are too big if I enclose my photo?”

 At no point did Prince Charming take 10 years trying to figure out if he had enough in common with his beloved to commit to a relationship.

I’ve been misled. I was promised Prince Charming. Not Prince Grope-a-lot. Not Prince Waste-Your-Time. Prince-Freakin’-Charming. And if he doesn’t show, I’m suing somebody. I don’t know who, of course, but someone is going down (and no, not in a good way).