[03-08]The One with the Giant Poking Device (フィービーに殺人疑惑?)

Rachel : Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?

Chandler : I will have one. (Ross and Chandler both take one)

(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams)

Chandler : Okay, I’m not gonna have one.

Ross : That’s okay. (they both put back the brownies)

Phoebe : No, no, it’s just my tooth.

Chandler : All right I’ll have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)

Ross : So what’s the matter, you need a dentist? I’ve got a good one.

Phoebe : No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can’t see him.

Chandler : See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Ross : Why? Why can’t you go to him?

Phoebe : Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

Chandler : That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist’s blouse.

Rachel : Phoebe, what? Umm…what?!

Phoebe : Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend “Albino Bob”.

Rachel : And all these people actually died?

Phoebe : Yes, while I was in the chair! That’s why I take such good care of my teeth now, y’know, it’s not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!

Ross : Pheebs, come on, you didn’t kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It’s, it’s, it’s just ah, a coincidence.

Phoebe : Well, tell that to *them*. Oh! You can’t, they’re dead!

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there]

Ross : Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?

Gunther : Oh, like you don’t already have everything.

Phoebe : (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust)

Rachel : Phoebe, you’re in pain, would you just go to the dentist? Just go.

Phoebe : All right, fine, fine, but if you’re my next victim, don’t come back as a poltergeist who, like, sucks me into the TV set.

Rachel : I promise.

Phoebe : Although, don’t feel like you can’t visit.

Joey : (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

Ross : (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he’s not.

Monica : You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

Ross : What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?

Joey : Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.

Rachel : Joey, you can’t keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

Joey : It’ll kill him. I mean it’ll, it’ll just kill him.

Phoebe : Well, you could wait ’til I go to the dentist, maybe I’ll kill him.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, All are there except for Chandler]

Joey : (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It’s like a Play-Doh Fat Factory.

Phoebe : Well, I’m going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or… All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um…… (starts to cry and runs out)

Ross : Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.

Joey : What did they do?

Ross : Well, they painted over the word “Sapien” for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let’s just leave it at that.

Monica : So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

Ross : Yes, that’s what I was going to ask, thank you.

Rachel : Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

Ross : You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths “I’ll be here the whole time.” to Ross) Yes! That’d be great, no, I just asked Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths “Yeah!” and holds up her thumb)

Joey : Hey-hey, Ross?

Ross : Yeah.

Joey : I’ve got a science question.

Ross : Hmm?

Joey : If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact “Homo-sapiens”, is that why they’re extinct?

Monica : Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We’re gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben’s head on that wooden beam acRoss the ceiling)

[cut to later]

Monica : (to Ben) Who’s so brave, you’re so brave, yes you are, you’re so brave (acting less and less brave herself)

Rachel : Okay. Okay honey, he’s fine, he’s fine, let’s just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that’s a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!

(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out)

Janice : It’s the receipt.

Chandler : I’ll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (JANICE shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (JANICE shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (JANICE shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (JANICE shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I’m gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)

Chandler : She doesn’t know. Says she loves us both. Y’know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y’know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can’t even return them, because she choked on the reciept!

Joey : What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

Chandler : I don’t know, y’know? What, what, would you do?

Joey : (starts to say something, then catches himself) Well, it doesn’t matter what I would do.

Chandler : Come on, tell me.

Joey : All right, you’re, uh, probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.

Chandler : What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey : They have a kid together, y’know? They’re like, they’re like a family, and if, I don’t know, if there’s a chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn’t want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. (Chandler gives a look of understanding) Are you okay? You, uh, you wanna come poke a nude guy?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel’s room]

Ross : Well, he’s finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head …

Rachel : Are you, are you, are you sure it’s ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, but I’ve always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.

Ross : It’s okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y’know? It was your first time babysitting, I figure you did the best you could.

Rachel : (confidently) I did!

Ross : I know! I’m saying you have to watch them all the time.

Rachel : I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

Ross : Monica did it?

(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace)

Ross : Monica?

Monica : Yeah.

Ross : Umm, did you notice anything wierd about … about Ben today?

Monica : No. Why?

Ross : Well, I was just playing with him, and y’know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he’s leaving out “e” and “f”. It’s like they just ah, I don’t know, fell out of his head.

Monica : Really?!

Ross : Oh, and also, he’s, he’s walkin’ kind of funny, I mean it’s like his, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg. Yeah, he’s in there just sort of y’know… (hobbles around in a circle)

Monica : Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)

Rachel : I hope it’s still funny when you’re in hell.

Monica : (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room)

Ross : Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!

Rachel : I’ll get the hat.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and JANICE are there]

Chandler : Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it’s, it’s, it’s not gonna be easy.

Janice : Okay.

Chandler : I think you should go back with Gary. I don’t wanna be the guy that breaks up a family. Y’know, when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I would always think y’know “You’re the reason, you are why they’re not together.” and I-I hated that guy. And it didn’t matter how nice he was, or, y’know, how happy he made my Dad.

Janice : Wow!

Chandler : Yeah, well. It’s the right thing to do.

Janice : Oh! You’re right. Oh God. But, before I can say good-bye, there’s something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it’s like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie’s been singing about. Y’know, I mean what we have, it’s like movie love, you’re my soulmate (starts to cry) and I can’t believe we’re not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.

Chandler : Then don’t leave me!

Janice : What?

Chandler : Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

Janice : No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I’ve got to give my marriage another chance.

Chandler : No you don’t! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

Joey : All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

Ross : Can we please focus here, a naked man’s life hangs in the balance!

Phoebe : I’m telling you he’s dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.

Joey : All right, ladies and gentlemen, let’s poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we’re approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs and swats at the poking device)

Phoebe : He’s alive! He’s a-live!!!

Monica : And yet, we’re still poking him.

Joey : Okay (urgently) retract the device, retract the device.

Ross : He does not look happy.

Rachel : Hey-hey, now he’s showing us his poking device.

Joey : Hey, that’s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Chandler is listening to the duet at the end of “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie]