…or not as the case may be. Learning how to juggle family, work, friends and me time.

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POF

I’m starting to have a hard time keeping faith that all single men are not douchebags and that there might actually be some decent guys still out there. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m destined to be single forever and should actively choose this life because my heart is too fragile to take any more douchey-ness. I think I deserve someone who genuinely takes care of my heart, not stomps it into the ground without so much as a fleeting thought.

I’m also starting to wonder if it’s me. The type of person i am attracted to just seems to automatically mean dickhead, who will think it’s ok to just stop texting, or to meet a few times and then say they have problems and can’t concentrate on a relationship right now. Why are all 30 something single men flaky, commitment-phobic knobs? I genuinely want to know!

I have wasted so much time talking to men who seem genuinely interested…some for months and then they just disappear – no warning, no signs, no explanation. Some may pop back with an excuse or two but nothing credible or worth the radio silence. This seems to now be an acceptable way of ending things. It’s not.

I don’t think this is an attraction issue, those I have met have never seemed disgusted and have usually met more than once. They talk the talk, they kiss the kiss all that stuff and like an idiot I get hooked in.

But I have to make a decision for self preservation, that this can happen no more, I have been taken for a ride more than enough now and I know that I deserve better. So my new pact to myself is no more late night conversations via Whatsapp – if they want to talk to me they can pick up the phone or invite me out. Emojis are not good enough. No more long distance attempts – an hours drive is not sustainable in my life right now so why kid myself it could work? No more ‘likes’ on POF – if they like me they will find a way to contact me and no more playing games and overthinking – if they don’t like my honest answer then they aren’t the right person. I am so tired of it all.

So it seems that I will be single for the foreseeable future but no change there then, hey? But that’s ok I guess, I’ve got Charlotte, I’ve got friends, I’ve just started my new job, I’ll be moving house soon and selling my flat so lots of things to focus on that don’t involve dealing with idiots (other than colleagues and estate agents) and for now I’ll just cling on to ‘everything happens for a reason’. That’s a real thing, right?

James seemed like a good guy and good to chat to, I wasn’t sure if I actually fancied him though. His profile picture on Plenty of Fish didn’t really help and when I asked for a couple more they were group shots and I still couldn’t work out what he looked like. He was one for fairly loaded innuendos or changing the conversation path so we ended up talking about something a bit risqué but it was fun and not necessarily a bad thing, so I just went with it.

He had his son 50% of the time and had him over Christmas, as I had had Charlotte so the earliest time we both had available was Boxing Day afternoon/evening and we decided to meet for coffee.

When he walked in he was much taller than I’d thought and was quite good looking. He’d just come from a family lunch so was wearing the obligatory Christmas jumper and cords which gave him a boyish look like his mum had told him what to wear. He also had a very cheeky twinkle in his eye. I don’t think I’ve come across them before but these were definitely ‘bedroom eyes’. I was wearing lots of layers and had also got rained on on the walk to the coffee shop so Lord knows what he thought about me! Although it couldn’t have been that bad…

We had our coffee and talked easily about our families and work and moving houses etc (he was about to after living with his parents for a year and I wanted to) but all along he was looking at me with those eyes making me go a bit mushy. I couldn’t concentrate and, despite it being cold, I could feel my cheeks flushing and before I knew it we were kissing on my bed! I can’t even blame any alcohol!

Now, I didn’t know whether I should write this, but sometimes this is what happens on dates and I’m really not good at lying (and it would have been quite difficult to end the story if I hadn’t!). I’m also not entirely sure who suggested changing the venue but it didn’t feel odd or too fast just that it was the right thing to happen next. I didn’t question it and something in me (no pun intended) decided that I deserved a belated Christmas present and this was the best sort of present to receive.

So we had some – read ‘a lot’ – of fun. We chatted a bit more about the everyday things and then arranged to see each other soon and he left. A little bit different from the turkey curry buffets you’d normally find yourself at on Boxing Day!

We have messaged each other quite often since then and although he’s adamant he does want a relationship and not just sex, his messages aren’t necessarily saying the same thing. We haven’t managed to meet again just through lack of time and mutual availability but I’m not sure if we will. I don’t regret sleeping with James but it has definitely made me realise that, despite everything you’ve just read, I am actually looking for a relationship and for someone I can spend time with, out of the bedroom, as well as in.

As the festive season approached and all the happy couples and families started upping the amount of PDAs they thought was appropriate, I decided that maybe a little hiatus on my “I don’t need a man” mantra would do me some good and downloaded my match.com and Plenty of Fish apps again (yes, I now have a POF account too!) and it seemed that everyone else had had the same idea too.

It was busy, there were winks, emails, IM’s, ‘meet me’s popping up on my phone all the time. Apparently everyone wanted a date for Christmas this year and I have to say it did make me feel good that they maybe wanted it to be me. Ok, so most emails were just “hi” (original) or “I see you like going to the cinema, did you watch the last Hobbit film”(run!) or various festive themed lines…”I’d like to see you in stockings at the end of my bed” or “can you suck on my candy cane” or “I hope you’re under my tree with just a bow tied around you” (You’ve got to give them credit…they’d obviously thought about those ones a lot!) but obviously my new Christmas jumper profile pic was doing the trick! Even more confidence boosting as I have no make up on and it’s day old hair…the joys of Instagram hey?

So after working out who were the fake profiles, who were going to send me photos of their genitals within seconds of me giving them my number and who was likely to turn into a stalker and blocking them or ignoring them I managed to end up chatting to five guys. A range of ages, a range of looks, a range of occupations and a range of locations. This was difficult as I had to remember which conversations I’d had with whom but all seemed nice and I didn’t want to narrow my options too soon and to be honest what else was I going to do in the evenings in the run up to Christmas apart from gorge myself on mince pies and cry.

Over the holidays I went on three dates with three seperate guys and thought I would share a little of each with you over the next few days so stay tuned.