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18 HUMOUR MCA Gwinso Media dims fMatayo crave or coverage In my zeal to have His Popularity the Governor of our County visit my ward, I made a blunder. I told him that I was inviting him to open a public toilet. “What? A toilet?” he asked looking scandalised. “Bwana Gwinso, have you brought me that low?” I was speechless. I wondered what mistake I had done. Wasn’t health and sanitation part of what he promised to improve in our county? What was wrong with him opening a toilet? I had also thought he would grab this opportunity to address a crowd and do some politicking about Pesa Mashinani. I wished I had the courage to tell him all this, but the look he gave me made me shut up. “Gwinso, get a fellow MCA to do that - which I honestly think is even beneath any of my ministers,” he said in a conciliatory tone. I took his advice and sought the help of MCA Matayo who I find the most approachable of them all. I also thought he was most capable of connecting with the ward people. “Gwinso, as long as you invite the media. The things I will say during that function have international significance,” Matayo said. Getting a journalist to cover the function was not a problem. My contacts connected me to a fellow they called Kasuku who was reputed to be able to organise full media coverage at short notice. Soon Kasuku was seated in my office and I explained everything. “I understand, Sir. But what is in all this for us?” he asked, politely. I was taken aback, but I did not want him to notice it. I looked him in the eye and asked, “Kasuku, isn’t it your patriotic duty to broadcast important functions taking place in the county?” “That’s right, Sir,” he answered meekly. We agreed he would mobilise the major media houses to send reporters to the function. Come the D-day and I must confess the organisers had done a good job in preparing the place. The toilet, or rather sanitation facility, was festooned in bright colours. There was a sizeable crowd waiting, perhaps unaware the governor was not coming to officiate. After all, the plaque, with MCA Matayo’s name on it, was still covered. I was glad there were a few cameras around. Soon, the guest arrived. With to be mentioned in any media, even in passing Patrick Ngugi So, I promised to give you the story of Elsie (LC) – or Luckless Casanova – that friend of ours who thinks the world of romance revolves around him, and that he is the universe’s gift to women. As I saw saying last week, Elsie is a company salesman – he likes to call himself a sales executive –with a company next door. He prides himself as the world’s conqueror of women’s hearts, while at the same time, though he doesn’t admit often, most of his encounters usually hit a snag, or a big rock. He once told us about his business trip to Western Kenya, Kakamega to be specific, where he met a beautiful lass in a hotel. They kind of started to get cozy in her hotel room before hell broke loose when her husband – or was it boyfriend came knocking the door, sending Elsie to the balcony, where, scared stiff, had to take in the cold drizzle as he prayed that he wouldn’t get caught. Luckless Casanova had left Nairobi to sell and promote his company’s merchandises in western Kenya. Since he has a string of girlfriends all over the various towns he visits, he had informed the Kakamega one that he would be passing by on the day in question. For some reason the lady was not around or available when he arrived and being the Casanova he was, he would not spend the weekend bored with nothing to do. He had to get himself busy entertaining some women, of course. As he had supper that evening at the hotel he was staying, he saw a couple at the next table who seemed to have been arguing about something. They both seemed angry at each other. He observed them until they silently finished their food and left the dining room and apparently went to their room. He did not give them a thought again until he went to his room and decided that he needed to go out dancing and maybe rescue some wench out there who needed com- Elsie would not spend the weekend bored with nothing to do pany. As he was leaving his room he saw the man leave another room and slam the door after him and walked away furiously. Elsie guessed they must have fought in the room. Promotions campaign Elsie went to a nightclub and came back at 1 am drunk with a ‘catch’ who kept him company in his room until morning. He released the catch after giving her a fake telephone number, to call him whenever she needed anything. At around 10 am, he was having tea in the hotel restaurant before going to his promotions campaign, when he saw the lady who was quarreling with her man the previous night, come down the staircase from her room into the restaurant. The toilet opening function was held last week but is yet him were his four wives. When the emcee announced that the governor’s representative was present, a section of the crowd walked away. Unperturbed, we began the ceremony. I introduced the guest and heaped praises on the governor for choosing such a distinguished person to represent him. MCA Matayo rose to speak -not before confirming with me that the major media houses were represented. He first introduced his wives. “These are the four pillars on which this strong house stands. Without them, I would crumble.” He then gave his speech. He sent the crowd into giggles when he asked investors to ensure they invested in eating houses in the ward. “This facility will be a waste if it is not put to use. The more food we have, the more people will use this facility, and that will mean more jobs!” He then turned his attention to health matters. “I now want to address my friend President Obama. I am sure he will get to hear this since the journalists are here,” he said pointing to the cameras. “Barry, please remember your father’s land. Let us not be wiped away by this Ebola.” If I found this odd, then I was in for a rude shock. Believe it or not, MCA Matayo then went on to suggest to the US President how to offer assistance. “Obama, it will not be too much to ask you to sponsor us MCAs to visit America to see for ourselves how you are dealing with Ebola. You are our brother, remember,” he said facing the camera and gesticulating animatedly. He then unveiled the plaque and declared the facility officially open as we gave a defeaning applause. He pushed the door open, got in and closed the door after him. He emerged and announced that the facility was in working condition, to everyone’s amusement. Before going away, he beckoned one of the camera men and instructed them to ensure the pictures were sent all over the world. “Do not forget BBC and VOA,” he said. That was over a week ago, but the function is yet to be mentioned in any media, even in passing. Feedback: oagwengeo@ya- hoo.com AS I WAS SAYING Casanova’s amorous escapades on business trip She smiled at him when she recognised him as having had dinner at the same time when she had the quarrel with her man. Our Luckless Casanova unleashed one of his (in)famous charming smiles, which he believes makes women go weak at the knees. The woman sat at the same spot she had sat with her man and had her breakfast. She seemed very lonely and appar- ently still angry as she had not recovered from the previous night’s ‘fight’. Perhaps, she needs someone like me, Elsie thought, as he straightened his collar and considered joining her… Find out how Elsie ended up on the balcony next week. Feedback: [email protected] Saturday, November 1, 2014 / PEOPLE DAILY HERO OF THE COUNTY