To the dismay of many of my friends, I’m not unalterably opposed to vivisection. In fact, I’d wholeheartedly support it were vivisectors to make one minor administrative change. It would be that scientists perform the experiments not on nonhumans but on themselves and their colleagues.

Scientists keep telling us how beneficial the experiments are for science with a capital ‘s’, progress with a capital ‘p’ and, of course, man with a capital ‘m’. If the experiments really are necessary with a capital ‘n’, the scientists should be willing to make this sacrifice (with a small ‘s’) for the greater good. In any case, according to no other than Lord Sainsbury, minister for innovation and science, advocate of genetic engineering and owner of a large supermarket chain, strict regulations ensure that experiments generally cause no more than ‘moderate’ suffering. If this is actually true, scientists shouldn’t object too much to throwing their hats into this ring.

Now, I’m sure you can spot the problem: there are too many important experiments for the number of vivisectors. In Europe alone an animal is killed in a laboratory every three seconds. In Britain it’s one every 12 seconds, in Japan one every other second and in the USA one per second. I’m not sure even full-fee scholarships and high salaries will suffice to bring in enough scientists to fill this bill. But that’s okay, because every problem carries within it the seed of its own solution.

The solution comes through the words of Sainsbury, or rather his existence: add another category of those eligible to be vivisected. This would, of course, be those politicians who speak or vote in favour of experimenting on live animals. Given the importance of these experiments to everything from the economy and national security to shiny, clean hair and new cosmetics, I think the politicians will be glad to serve the public in this manner. Unfortunately, this won’t solve the problem entirely; I just don’t think we have enough politicians (and I’ll bet you never thought you’d hear anyone say that).

At first I toyed with the notion of putting vivisectors’ families on the short list, but decided to keep them in reserve in case they’re needed to provide ‘spare parts’, as the xenotransplantation literature so elegantly puts it, for those humans rich enough to afford their own personal organ donors. The use of vivisectors’ families should eradicate the technical and moral problems caused by the current planned use of pigs and should also bring in some extra cash for the corporations that hire the vivisectors (and that’s always been the real point, hasn’t it?); some estimates put the market for pig organs to transplant into humans at $6 billion per year, just in the USA.
But we still have the problem of numbers, don’t we? Not enough vivisectionists, not enough politicians. Naturally, CEOs of companies that profit from vivisection need to go on the list, and in these desperate straits – how could we possibly live without the draize eye-tests – I think we’ll just need to add everyone who works for those companies, too. Certainly the shareholders. Especially the shareholders.

I have gained a vast experience in translations and interpreting in all the years following my graduation. I am a professional very accurate and on time with the delivery of documents.As my studies and work experience show, I am a very open-minded person, receptive to new and willing to know as much as possible in all fields. I have experience in translations in very different fields, form politics and literature to mechanical engineering and quality control.