Luncheon Meat

05/23/2011

Our unpaid roving reporters caught up with some locals in the tiny suburban town of Wapatusset, most of them grateful to be alive post May 21st.

We asked them: Now that End of Days has come and gone, do you have a new lease on life? A renewed sense of purpose? Did you experience a spiritual awakening? What's on your REVISED to-do list?(Readers, please share your own in the Comments section below.)

Crazy Old GuyDon’t go thinking the naysayers will have the last laugh. The world is going to hell in a handbag while the rest of you sit around arguing about your sewers and cesspools and Invisiblines and what-not while drinking your designer water. Mark my words…

Nan FlandersHad I known we’d all still be here I never would have released my tell-all sequel to “In Any Other Town I'd Be Rich and Skinny”. Looks like I might have to get out of Dodge sooner that I thought.

04/27/2011

Sandpaper tongue? Sausage-like fingers? Strange dreams involving wheat grass juice and Gatorade? For those of you who woke up feeling dehydrated, bloated and a bit over-pickled Monday morning—and are still trying to detox—this one’s for you.

Easter comes but once a year so grab another piece of ham quiche and try some of these favorite TMG traditions. And please send us any tips and recipes of your own.

Pucker Up!

Three tips for dealing with a classic HAMover:

1. Hair of the Hog: Don’t attempt to detox right away; get right back on the saddle and start off each day this week with a salty “Porky Mary” (preferably with Beefamato and Bacon Vodka), substituting a dill pickle for the celery. Keep up the salt intake with brined suet, Canadian back bacon, or sausage patty on the side.

2. Ham Smoothie: Crank up the Blendtec and let it rip. Ice, bacon fat and 4 cups of diced ham makes enough to fill up that Big Gulp! cup that has not yet made its way to the recycling center.

3. Frozen Ham Pack: Nothing feels better on an aching noggin than a couple pounds of pig meat. Chill overnight in your icebox’s crisper drawer–strap it on, and you’re good to go!

Go Whole Hog!

Three handy uses for leftover ham:

1. Hang strips of ham on rope in middle of garage. Properly placed dangling meat makes a great parking indicator–a greasy splat in the middle of the windshield does the trick! Additional science lesson benefit: see if it turns into ham jerky by June.

2. Use leaf mulcher to make deviled ham; serve on Ritz crackers or toast points at next cocktail party. Tastes great with Hamtinis, HAMstel Lights or Hamaritas (with a rim of extra salt). Leftover deviled ham? Stuff it inside plastic eggs; freeze and hide for the kids next year.

3. Lure wild animals into the confines of your own yard. Get your “Marlin Perkins” on by chucking that suet-enhanced hambone into the backyard, using that deep fishing rig that you either inherited from a dead uncle or “won” at a silent auction.

01/27/2011

Moving the baby chicks to get to the milk: Time to clean that fridge!

During my daily morning ritual of opening the fridge for milk for my Cheerios and coffee, a tantalizing aroma pierced my olfactory system.

They say dog paddlers need a good breakfast...breakfast is the most important meal of the day....yadda, yadda, yadda ...but, I was intrigued and had to investigate.

It reminded me of something George Carlin, the King of the Social Critics, once said:

“Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’”

I pushed the baby chickens out of the way to check the milk. (They were eating the corn on the cob left over from a summer barbeque). Perhaps I had misread the expiration date on the milk by calculating the lunar calendar equivalent. Nope, no curds and whey (better known as cottage cheese).

I shook the economy size box of Arm and Hammer baking soda strategically placed in the center of the fridge door. Nope, a poof of delicate powder glazed the safet goggles but it smelled as fresh as the day I put it in there two and a half months ago. I even checked the instructions which said that it “keeps food tasting as it should” and an admonishment to not use the same box for cooking after using in the fridge for the three month cleansing period, as “deodorization will affect the taste after use.”

The Crowned Prince of Social Mischief, Lazlo Toth, (alter ego of “Special Vatican Reporter” Father Guido Sarducci (a.k.a. Don Novello) would be proud that I caught this ironic bit of advice (see Lazlo Toth's letter to the Gold Seal Company concerning keeping the Mr. Bubble dry, dated 18 February 1974, in the Lazlo Letters).

Back to my investigation! Was that some kid’s science fair lava experiments or had the can of whipped cream met it's maker? Interesting, but not the culprit.

Did one of those crazy explorations into foreign cuisine meet its date of fermentation? Nope, the Korean kimchee, the Polish kapusta, and even the beans and rice from El Pollo Loco still had a good shelf life remaining.

I did a simultaneous opening of the meat drawer and the butter holding area with separate hands and nudged open the “Fresh-Lok Hydrator” drawer with my big toe. Nope, nothing that made the eyes water, too much.

The Ragu hadn't grown a Chia Pet Mohawk and even that vinegar “rubber egg” in the pickle jar still had good color.

Where was it? Where was it? I opened the horseradish just to get a little relief.

Then I spotted it hidden back by the hoses that provide a supply of questionably clean water to the ice maker.......Half of an onion, that unsuspected cause of so many cases of national food poisoning....gelling and oozing and trying to incite the rest of the month's groceries to revolt.

I was inspired....driven...the fridge fairies had made their point. I donned the protective gear and mounted a full-on assault on the Frigidaire. Three hours later and the coffee had long gone cold and the Cheerios were bobbing in their own little waves of grain, but the aroma was gone and I had a pretty good idea of what was left for lunch.

The moral of my adventure is:If you love your food, set it free! If it comes back to you, it's yours! If it doesn't, it was probably meant to generate someone else's landfill. –Dr. F

01/26/2011

From the editor:Dr. F. takes us to the sunny shores of Oahu. The good doctor (not a real medical doctor) spent a five-year stint in the Aloha State in the early 90s and regularly returns to stock up on favorite foodstuffs and supplies.

I had just finished the last precious morsels of my usual breakfast of Cheerios bathed in a large bowl of coffee, with two spoons of sugar and milk (no dairy creamer for me!).

I sparked up the old faithful Dimension 2100 Internet wave machine (known in advanced circles as an old computer) and gazed hopefully into the screen of my Synchmaster 753DF.

I activated the precision programming of my trusty search engine (or, as I like to call it, Dog Paddling Central) and heard the deadening boom of "You've Got Mail!" My heart pounded with anticipation at seeing the little blue envelope icon with a small green oval that read "750".

Hmmm…750…quite a big wave of Internet water for this dog-paddling novice! Was I ready? What mysterious adventures lay ahead?

Another sonic boom of "You've got mail!", and the seven email seas opened before me.

The titles for as far as the eye could see all read "110% Lowest Price Guarantee! Order Coconut Bras today!"

Holy Hilo Hattie's! I'd been "Spam Musubied!"

Ah! Spam musubi, the ultimate in Hawaiian snacks made from grilled SPAM, on rice, lovingly embraced in a "delicate" seaweed wrapper (lots of pictures on the Internet; It's like sushi gone wrong, but mighty tasty); but then, I digress.

Ah! SPAM musubi! (not to be confused with Dr. M. Kaschube, author of Pinwheel Stability Pattern Selection and the Geometry of Visual Space)… a cheaper sound reference would be the comparison to some other member of the Kaschube family, but then they would be bombarded with Facebook friend requests.

Ahem....back to the dog paddling...

The Username was correct: MMWW4ME(Mickey Mouse Water Wings for Me).

This mysterious Internet creature only identified her/himself as Luau Mama.

Had I given someone the wrong impression? Did I mistype at some time during my Internet swimming lessons up at the Valley Hunt Club Pool and Internet Cafe?

Surely I wasn't in the market for a coconut bra, as Aloha Fridays are a celebration of the amazing print patterns of the Aloha State and rarely leave room for this craftsman's delight.

What a dilemma! Opening 750 tiny waves of information, all from the same wellspring, delivered precisely every 40 seconds over the last 8-plus hours, would sure create an Internet wave of Banzai Pipeline proportions.

I speed paddled with my trusty cursor and the words blurred by as I scrolled down. I feared a killer Internet riptide which would suck me out to the Internet seas for good. I wasn't sure rip current safety tips I learned on Hawaii 50 (the original version) would apply. With which shoreline was I swimming parallel? Were the margins safe?

Thinking fast, with no Internet lifeguard in sight, I boogie-boarded the shift key across all the shimmering discount titles and pressed the curser, with an immediate "hang ten" on the "Enter" key.

And....Voila! The impending Internet tidal wave disappeared into the ether-world like an unsuspecting tourist in that most deceptive of all Hanauma Bay tourist "attractions," the Toilet Bowl (a natural pool formed by centuries of waves beating against the lava rock at Hanauma Bay on the beautiful island of Oahu; not that getting "flushed" against shards of razor-sharp lava is my idea of a "do before you die experience").

The resultant calm on the Syncmaster 753DF resembled Quaker Lake at sunset on a hot August afternoon.

Another dog paddling drowning avoided, but it left me with a lingering, longing, desire to Google Big Kahuna's on Oahu and inquire if they delivered their pulled pork sandwiches to "the Mainland."

12/26/2010

Tell me that you haven’t been here. The holiday is over, the shopping/wrapping/exchanging is over then suddenly… BAM! An unexpected guest shows up, present in hand. What do you do? Improvise, baby, improvise! Quickly sequester your guest in the locked panic room and make the holiday gift magic happen!

9. Snow in a BoxEasier to acquire in the northern, colder regions of the country. However, you can always box up shavings from the neglected freezer in the basement.

8. Micro-Thin Plastic Shopping Bag With HandlesCheck under the sink, there is bound to be a bag of bags in the back corner. A suitable gift should consist of at least three, each from a different food acquisition & distribution establishment.

7. Custom Embossed Restaurant NapkinsCheck the console between the driver and passenger seats of your favorite vehicle. There is bound to be a wad of fresh napkins, all ready to be wrapped.

6. Pocket Fire StartersShow your Don Draper, retro-cool side by re-gifting a handful of these puppies. Hipper than a Zippo® and they are biodegradable too!

5. Analog Telephone Directory | Dinner Chair Height AdjusterWho needs a trendy smartphone when all the regional information that you need is stored in this 10 pound, bound treasury of logistical facts. If you are one of us lucky ones, you have received at least 120 pounds. of these bad-boys over the past year and haven’t figured out what to do with them. Ring-ring! Opportunity calling!

4. Rustic Woodgrain Fireplace Fuel (available in all sizes)What screams LOVE more than a crackling wood fire (preferably in a fireplace or easily controlled area for burning)? From twigs, to branches, to full-size logs–dead tree parts provide a wonderfully festive present.

3. Start Your Own Leaf Collection KitWith the onslaught of the holidays, the leaf-raking chore was placed on the back burner. Sneak out the back door, grab 5 or 6 varieties, carefully place them in a zip-lock bag and voilà! You have initiated a hobby that will provide a lifetime of wonder and enchantment!

2. Lil' Packages O' Sweetness Splenda®, Sweet‘N Low®, or white, granulated and pure cane. Who doesn’t love a sweet pick me up? For those more free-spirited, why not gift them a packet or two of “Sugar In the Raw”? Always great to have on hand. Grab a fistful the next time you visit your neighborhood Denny’s.

1. Can of WormsWhat would the holidays be without opening a can of worms? After a couple of "nogs", your lips loosen and who knows what, otherwise classified information, might come rolling out? Start the gossip snowball cascading down the slippery slope by prying open this festive tin can of wiggling night-crawlers!

12/15/2010

Just because you “work from home” (WFH), it doesn’t mean that you have to miss the traditional office holiday party experience. In fact, working out of the home’s basement workspace might actually have its own built-in benefits.

2. No need to upgrade the party threads.Very seldom are home office party celebrants visually present. Sure, there is the occasional web cam shot, but quite frankly, if you are dressed for success from the shoulders up, you are in the clear.

3. Be your own Secret Santa. In kindergarten, you bought your friend Mikey that most amazing wind-up robot. Thirty years later, you still remember the twin lasers mounted on each fabricated metal wrist that could stop any bug DEAD in its tracks.

What did “Secret Santa” give you in return? A “Candy Book” of Life Savers®. A lump of bituminous coal would have been only slightly more entertaining.

Believe me, Mikey will NEVER make the virtual office party guest list. He’s probably running a pest extermination service in Dubuque (or inventing life-saving robots at MIT).

Carpe Diem, Bucko! Set your own flexible spending limit and purchase the Santa List item that is sure to fail the family muster.

You are never too old for a razor’s edge video gaming system. And hey! What would an XtendoWii365(blah, blah, blah) gaming console be without a first person, shoot ‘em up war game? Besides, when the living quarters’ inhabitants retire for the evening, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t keep a “late night conference call” appointment with enemy combatants.

3 Ways to Keep the In-House Event “In Check”

1. Establish clear party “start” and “stop” times. Remember, there is a family (yours) living above your “corporate office complex.” While you attempt to give your “company” its well-deserved “space,” family members are contending with youth-recreational-event transportation logistics, mountains of homework and teenage hormonal mood swings.

As much as you want to inhabit your micro-Dexter Carrington corporate headquarters 24x7, there is only a hollow core door at the top of the basement stairs separating you and your virtual colleagues from the real world. From time to time, your presence on the “other side” is required.

2. Refrain from inviting people in their physical presence. Virtual People are so much easier to deal with! No need for a coat check, no worry about finding red wine stains on the shag carpet or (days later) shrimp tails jammed into your computer’s CD-ROM drive.

Your focus can be solely on your guests as you schmooze and mingle with each attendee on your online video chat room. When your conversation has reached its absolute peak, a couple of keyboard clicks and you’re on to the next guest.

A hand sanitizer station? Who needs one? It’s not like you’re going to shake hands with them. Traditional office parties are breeding grounds for colds, influenza, scurvy and much, much worse. The only real medical concern at a home office party is getting bitten by one of the hairy spiders that live in the corners of all basements.

3. Festive Food & Drink. Sure the refrigerator is right at the top of the stairs and through the basement door. And yes, there are the usual items: luncheon meat, sliced cheese, pickles, and the partially picked carcass of some sort of bird or large reptile. Today is YOUR special day so live it large!

Drinks? Having top-shelf liquors on hand is no longer an issue. However, no matter what cocktail concoction you are swilling, make sure that it is in a presentable glass. Drinking directly from a bottle or can is a serious virtual-party faux pas. What if your guest, on the receiving end, has projected your image on a large wall? Your festive corporate event has quickly become a 15’ billboard for Mickey’s Malt Liquor®.

As an appropriate backdrop for your Web Cam:Carefully rearrange the office furniture, drape a festive tablecloth over your computer printer. Better yet, hang a poster of a major metropolitan city skyline (NYC, Boston, LA, Detroit, Cleveland or Baghdad) as a classy backdrop. It works for Conan and Dave, why shouldn’t it work for you, Mr./Ms. CEO!

Duct tape cables, cords and power strips to floor so there are no post-party trip-ups. Remember, you need to be back in the basement by 8:30 AM the next day. There is no time for time-depleting trips to the oral surgeon or hospital emergency room.

Last but not least, within 8 hours of the event:Shave, shower, and change out of pajama pants. We recommend finding a pair of trousers with actual belt loops. Oh, and socks, please!

Most importantly of all, relax, enjoy your pixilated guests and have a great time. You deserve it. Now get back to work!

11/16/2010

“Finding the Joy in a World Gone Sour”

This is the second in a series of articles on growth, opportunity, prosperity, and the permanent eradication of evil and evil-deed-doers on our ever-changing planet (Earth).

Yesterday’s article covered poorly anticipated career paths that have left many of us suspended in mid-air—much like Wile E. Coyote, 10 feet past the edge of a cliff, air-peddling as quickly as possible.

As parents, we frantically squirrel away hard-earned coin into the college coffers for our kids—with the high hopes that their post-graduation residences exist beyond the walls of our basements and paneled rumpus rooms.

Today we optimistically present new avenues for career advancement and lifelong employment. Below is Tiny Mind Gazette’s list of 100 stable occupations for the somewhat unstable future (in alphabetical order).

There was a time when I insisted on wearing a hairnet 24/7–not just behind the deli counter. And Lord knows, I am a 100% Babe Magnet. Let it go. If he starts excessive Glee watching, drop me another note. If this is the case, you may be on to something.Karl.

Dear Karl:My 10-year-old signed up for summer baseball. We will be playing 37 games within the next 30 days–including weekend tournaments (on some godforsaken, dusty fields with no physical address, a stinking port-a-potty, and snack bars hawking processed meat by-product sandwiches that have been charred beyond recognition). For between-game meals, I pack turkey sandwiches for my son and me.

Herein lies the problem. The combination of long and tedious baseball games and the turkey’s sleep-inducing tryptophan causes me to lose focus and zone out. This is a problem since I am the team’s statistician and scorekeeper. What should I do?

Signed,Trypping Out in the Dugout.

Dear Trypping:Recently, one of our suppliers introduced a liverwurst with a "Caffeine Burst." The product is still being beta-tested and may be available by early autumn. I have heard that it is quite popular with long-distance freight haulers.

I played Little League in my youth and still have nightmares involving right field and bloodsucking weeds that wrap themselves around my ankles and work their way up to my neck, choking the very life out of me.

For you and your son’s current dilemma, I might suggest a sport with less passivity and a little more action–Lacrosse, for instance. Full contact mini-golf is another idea.Karl.

Karl:Like my hero, Al Gore, I am all about saving the earth and doing my part. But what is with the Toyota Prius?

Signed,Mr. Green

Dear Mr. Green:I know exactly where you are coming from. I look at one of those vehicles and see either kitchen appliance or clown car.

The next time that you are in the store, stop by the Sushi section. The same Japanese engineering that went into making those preciously rolled, raw-fish crumpets (with the fish-egg filling and plastic grass dividers) designed the Prius.

I sense that like me, you are more of a Salami, Bologna and Braunschweiger type of dude. Put you behind the wheel of a Mustang, Camaro or an F-150 – and you are THE MAN! Put you behind the wheel of a Prius and you might as well be watching Glee and scorekeeping Little League baseball games.

Do your earth-saving due diligence by picking "paper" over "plastic." The next time you start thinking Prius, ask yourself : Would John Wayne, Charlton Heston, Mel Gibson or Steve McQueen drive a car with 9” tires that hums as it passes?

06/07/2010

I'm planning a graduation party for 50 people plus need to bring potluck dishes to the Cub Scouts Jamboree and Hockey Boosters banquet, and 6 dozen popsicles to the Brownie pool party. Do you have menu ideas?

Signed,Clueless in Cul-de-sac

Dear Clueless:Put down the loosely filtered and smoking, Marlboro Ultralight and take one humongous Oujai breath. Bad in air, good air out. Follow the bouncing ball – check the school’s graduation list. There were three or four years when I appeared ready to be ready to exit the ‘Real World Chute’ but was one or two shop credits short. Apparently, I had opted for the bookcase when I should’ve settled for the cheese board. The group of 50 may be in the holding tank for at least another 12 months (or more). Pace yourself.

At the very least, wait until the final report card tumbles and then act. Play your card right and you might be able to wrap it into a 4th of July extravaganza for a much wider audience-base – giving you the ability to cross-check several engagements from your obligation list.

As for the Scouts, what happened to hunt and gather? Send them to the nearest mall and have them seek out a Cinnabon or Orange Julius kiosks. Clip the latest coupons from the Penny Saver and your are in suddenly deep in the woods of ‘Win-Win Country’.

Brownie pool party? When your social group is named after a dessert item (or fictional little people), perhaps your focus should be directed elsewhere. Throw a roll of shiny quarters in the pool and let the little Cousteaus bring them to the surface.

Hockey players? Wrap some back bacon around a stock of staghorn sumac and you are in the clear. Better yet, throw some Chiclets on the floor ant let their dentist sort it out.

Good luck. Let me know how everything works out.

Dear Karl: What should I wear to chaperone my child's 5th grade dance?

Regards, Wendel(not my real name)

Wendel:I am thinking somewhere between a cheese & pimento smoking jacket and a Kevlar cheese vest. Seriously, why is your 5th grader jigging out when he/she should be sleeping soundly or outsmarting the reality-challenged baby-sitter? Reality check in aisle 4! Earth to parent! Roger, over and out! Wendel can you hear me?