It took me a while to realize this, and then it was only because it hurt. Badly. Life, world, me – everything hurt.

Let me be frank and straightforward, for this is not an occasion for fancy writing: Chris wanted a divorce. Once. He walked into the house, I remember it clearly, it was a sunny afternoon, a late summer afternoon in Ojai, in California. We lived in a bungalow with a living room wall made of windows. In the brilliant sunshine flooding the room I sat. On the couch. When he walked in and told me he wanted a divorce.

Oh, I can feel my chest tightening at the memory. A shadow of the pain. I did not expect it then. I sat stunned as my mind raced, struggling to keep up with this new development. It raced … into an unexpected direction. “Hurts!” it thought, then “accept, accept, this is happening” then “it’s … it might be a good idea actually…”

It took few minutes. Then I looked up at Chris. “This might be a good idea, actually” I said, “do you want to go have some ice cream?”

Of course it wasn’t over then, it was only the beginning, but I thought that it wasn’t such a bad thing because I was not happy. I would not admit it to myself, but when I had to know I knew that I was not happy. I put my life into Chris’s hands. I draped my responsibilities over his shoulders and left myself powerless, dependent, scared and resentful, while it left him … but that was not important. I was important.

“I did this” I thought to myself, “I created this. This pain I am feeling now is my pain. Chris did not hurt me, he did not create those feelings. I did. This is my life killing me. This is my marriage falling apart. I made it, and I will unmake it. I will heal it. I must heal it or else this will all happen again.”

This is what I decided and this is what I did. I healed. Myself.

I changed myself and my life changed with me. Showered with new clients, jobs, money, I could do what I wanted. For the very first time in this life I was able to buy what I wanted, to quit the job I did not like, to work at home as I always wished I could.

About Pausha Foley

I live in a world where trees are friends, mountains are peers, animals and humans are partners and allies. In my world there are no rules, truths nor ways of being, there is only being whatever I wish to be in whatever way I like.
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