Where Stuff Gets Rated

Tag: for kids

The are the cookies sold by, you guessed it, the girl scouts. What you may not know is that the girl scouts don’t make the cookies, they’re made by the same people who make Keebler cookies. I guess Ernie and the rest of the elves. Anyhow, these are like five dollars, and, for all the cookies that aren’t yucky, Keebler makes a better version you can buy at the store for like two-fifty. Now, I’m not saying don’t give the girl scouts your money, in fact I’m saying the opposite. Just give the girl scouts some money. You’ll have plenty after buying more and better cookies at half the price.

This is a thing where family members hold down a child on their birthday and hit them on the butt once for every year of how old they are. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if this was real or if my family was just creepy. But, nope, turns out it’s a real thing, so lots of people’s families are creepy. 0.8/5

Despite the fact that it rates an umlaut it’s not German, or from any of the German-speaking countries, unless you count the US as a German-speaking country. The red stuff on the outside is something called “annatto” which Wikipedia informs me is primarily used as red stuff on the outside of things. Anyway, it’s useful to have a cheese that sounds so close to “monster cheese” because it turns out kids who otherwise don’t eat a whole lot of calcium are really excited to eat congealed monster milk. 3.5/5

This is a team of dogs who have assumed the duties of most of the essential government services of a small Canadian town. Their boss is a human child. That’s not a great way to run a town, granted, but as an American a reality where we elected a little boy and a pack of dogs to run the government is still infinitely preferable to this one. 2.1/5

I know there’s a game here, and it seems to me it involved something called twosies, but mostly this is a thing where you steal the bouncy ball, because bouncy balls are awesome, and leave the jacks on the floor to mutilate someone’s foot. 2.7/5

I’m not scared of clowns, exactly, but I definitely don’t like them, because they know that children are scared of clowns and still decide to dress up as clowns and go where children are. That’s twisted. Exceptions can be made for women cosplaying as Ronald McDonald, but if they’re doing it right, they really shouldn’t be around children, either. 0.3/5