52 comments:

Anonymous
said...

There is nothing wrong with a Walmart coffee cake for a business meeting. I bake everything from scratch but if it wasnt possible on that particular day Walmart would be just fine ( they are lucky to get a cake at all) most people in the world live on less than a dollar a day - lets get real here.lizzie

Sigh. I need the bootcamp too. Hubby and I seem to be having more of those "heated discussion" than we should be and I know I'm not doing the things I know I should be. It is tough on too little sleep (Christian is teething. again.), but you're right. "Me time" just makes me want more. I do need (and I bet you do too) refreshment, but a nap just makes me grumpy:) Just remember to be kind to yourself, too!

You are pregnant. It is the heat of summer. You just finished assembling a handsome office. You have two young children. Show yourself the same grace you would extend to a friend: give yourself a break, dear lady!

I don't think you need "Better Wife Bootcamp" I think you need "Accept the Fact the You Are Human and Fallible" bootcamp. You are pregnant, have two small children, and I don't know what the weather is like in Tennessee but here (PA) it is 100+ degrees and humid! If a store bought coffee cake is the worst thing that happens to your husband he is a VERY lucky man.

Meredith, can I just gently say to you as a regular enjoyer of your blog - I'm glad to hear that occasionally you leave your husband to pick up a coffeecake on his own from Walmart? Because otherwise, you'd just be PERFECT and then I think I'd enjoy reading about all you do so much less.

You're pregnant with your third child, it's summer, you just decorated a new office and before that travelled a long way to a wedding. That's a LOT!

Just wanted to give you an encouraging word. I bet you don't have to try to be a better wife at all, I have the feeling that your husband knows just exactly how lucky he is. You are a wonderful inspiration to me to look for ways to make our home more welcoming to my husband when he comes home, our meals more varied and attractive and our budget stretch farther.

Our children are all grown and I am seeing things from a different side now. What matters in the end is the cumulative effect that all the little ways you show love to your family add up, not the occasional Walmart coffeecake. And you've got that figured out. You're doing great!

I agree with Martha's comment: give yourself the grace you'd give a friend. There are times we can do it all, and times we just need to just do what must be done. Hmm...think I just might need to reread that for myself. *sigh*

MeredithYou are right where you are supposed to be.With a baby due soon, a trip with two little ones that I kept thinking you did not need to take.97 degrees on my porch in Nashville today. On and on.Take care of yourself and try doing a little less. With added family soon it will be more difficult then ever to find time for yourself.Blessings and Rest sent your way.

On one hand- it's hotter than blue blazes here right now, you're not the only one who feels like slacking. On the other hand, other than the being pregnant part, I can totally relate to your post. There just comes a time where you have to say to yourself, "Enough slacking, self. Get your rear in gear." I'm at that point myself, right now. Keep your chin up, I'll do the same. **hugs**

I get what you're saying, but please don't doubt that yourself over a few details. You're pregnant and exhausted- it's totally understandable. A lot of people would have skipped the treat for coworkers completely.

I'm like you- I'd rather make it myself, but sometimes that just is not possible. (And I'm not even pregnant, LOL!) In that case, I see absolutely nothing wrong with a store bought cake. Or once in a while a store-bought frozen entree for dinner. Those things are available for a reason. :)

Cut yourself some slack. You're pregnant in the middle of summer, so it's bound to make you exhausted and less likely to do all that you usually do. You go above and beyond in most tasks you set out to do, so cutting back a bit while you're tired is okay. Really.

Sometimes, compromise is the way to go.

However, I do want to throw out there that you should probably mention this fatigue to your doctor, if you haven't already. Just in case.

Hi! I've been enjoying your blog for several months now. When I discovered the wonder of Google Reader, you were one of my first subscriptions! Anyway, I've been feeling this way a lot too (although without the excuse of being pregnant!). I shared with a person at church how it seems I just cannot get things done with two toddlers around. He recited this quote to me. It was like a breath of fresh air. I hope it speaks to you as well.

"The days of the years of our lives are few, and swifter than a weaver’s shuttle. Life is a short and fevered rehearsal for a concert we cannot stay to give. Just when we appear to have attained some proficiency we are forced to lay our instruments down. There is simply not time enough to think, to become, to perform what the constitution of our nature indicates we are capable of. How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none. Eternal years lie in His heart. For Him time does not pass, it remains; and those who are in Christ share with Him all the riches of limitless time and endless years." A.W. Tozer, Knowledge of the Holy (New York: Harper, 1961), p. 86.

Love you and once again, thanks for the breath of fresh air every day. It seems the majority of us think you are being too hard on yourself. But I can still appreciate your perspective. When you commented:

"Only I'm noticing that not doing all these things isn't making me less tired.

Just more indifferent and uncaring, less concerned about the family and more centered on myself."

I get that. And I appreciate your desire to always take your own "inventory" and do your best.

But I also agree with Martha - extend yourself the grace you would a friend.

Meredith, Please do not be so hard on yourself, I beg you to consider things; you just got back from a trip, you are pregnant, you have 2 children, your husband just got a BIG promotion so you have just remade his office space, you just redid the baby's room for the new bundle of joy; it is July in the south so that means HOTTER than fire crackers, and you think it is a problem that your husband got a coffee cake from Wal*Mart? Take it from this 'old' lady, if that is the worst think that has happened today you are blessed. Wife 'boot camp' are you kidding? I think you might be on the right track with prayers, that always helps me; I take the problem to the Lord and we talk about it. I always feel better. Meredith you do more as a wife and mother in a week than some women do in a year. So cut yourself some slack; do not judge yourself so hard. Would you judge anyone else as hard as you are judging yourself? I do not think that you would. But the thing that matters most is your husband and family. How does he feel? I bet he does not mind a store brought cake once in a while. Take care. Roxie

I dunno Meredith. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a pass sometimes. Especially in your fragile condition. I bet a nice dinner on the table when he gets home and a rain check would be fine for him.

I understand how "me time" can get you "out of the zone" of parenting and actually make you more irritated with their childishness (which, of course, is appropriate because they are children), instead of making me energised to face another day.

That said, I am currently on a break of sorts - a mental health break - because four months of high stress levels and being at the point of emotional exhaustion takes its toll on the body and the family. I have stepped back from all my commitments for a few weeks and am trying to just rest (with an almost 5yo, a 3yo and a baby that's hard!). There is a season for everything, including a season for rest - Ecclesiastes Chapter 3.

I also find that towards the end of my pregnancies, I have a "turning inward" that helps prepare me for the birth. I think it's just part of God's created order that helps us Mums store up energy for birth and the demands of a newborn.

Now is the time to assess expectations and cut a few out. Particularly in the first twelve months, you will not be able to do as much with three kids as you can when you have two.

Don't just fall into a heap and not move until your baby is walking and talking, but at the same time, you will find that you do need to relax your expectations of yourself... any mum of 3 will tell you that it's part of the challenge of 3 kids (well every mum of 3 that I know...)

Meredith--I think it is wonderful how many times you've catered various events for your husband's office, but let's step back a minute. Do grown men really need a coffee cake in order to survive a 1-2 hour meeting at work? Presumably people are coming to work with full stomachs, and I should think a cup of coffee or tea would more than suffice. Personally, I find it hard to resist free goodies, so I am generally grateful when there is NOT a spread at a business-related function. Less temptation for me.

I am sure you are spot on about being in a rut and needing some grace. We all need it sometimes. But perhaps it's time to look in a different direction. Maybe God is nudging you to let these grown men and women fend for themselves, and for you to pour out your gifts on those near and dear to you. Including yourself.

Meredith - I've been tired a lot recently too. There's been too much work, too much to do at home, too many chores and never enough time. What I've decided the problem is though isn't so much a lack of time, but a lack of FUN. We've been so nose-to-the-grindstone at my house that all our hard work doesn't seem worth it. So we've decided to plan a little fun into every day. We entertain easily so that shouldn't be a problem. :-) Even if we don't get more done we'll feel a lot better about EVERYTHING.

Goodness gracious. If you heard someone else, who is always going the extra mile to bake and make things from scratch, say that they had their husband buy a cake for a meeting because she just didn't get it done - what would you say to her? Perhaps suggest she give herself a break? Especially if that woman was pregnant and in charge of 2 small children?

It really is okay to take care of yourself a little, too. Especially in these hot, hot days of summer when you're growing a baby. But, alas, I too need the Better Wife Bootcamp. Our baby (15 mos.) has a number of medical issues and cries A LOT. I am recovering from surgery, as well. But, my attitude could definitely be one of more gratitude, so I'm taking your queue to fake it til I make it. Good luck! Michelle

Sometimes it is so easy to get carried away in the day to day that it is easy to fall-back on Walmart, or so many other convienences that most of America has come to accept as the norm. Be proud that this is a once in a while phenom for you, and not a daily occurence (as it is for most of America).

I find putting pressure on myself to live up to a certain standard only lessens my productivity. Some times we really DO need to cut ourselves some slack.

One area where we don't need to cut ourselves any slack is our walk with the Lord. If we get that in order then where our priorities should lie elsewhere seem to fall into place (and whether they land on the side of a bought cake or a made from scratch cake I believe will vary from person to person and their circumstances at the time).

I think that being the "perfect" wife or frugal homemaker can be a tool of the devil as much as anything else in life can. We have to be careful that our focus is squarely on Jesus and the rest will follow.

I think you do a fantastic job as wife and mother, and one WalMart coffee cake isn't going to change any of that. Depending on your love language, it may feel like it 'says' you care less, but most grown-ups would jump at coffee cake no matter where it came from, myself included. As a matter of fact, well into my own first trimester of pregnancy, I could eat the whole thing right now...

As we recently moved to MI, I have not been my usual industrious home-making self b/c of my current condition. When surveying how much I haven't done, my husband jokes "You're pregnant, not terminally ill." But he knows how hard it is for me internally to sit by and let things pile up around me and remain undone, whilst I can barely chase down a toddler and get her breakfast on the table. I am so grateful that he's picked up the slack. And now, 4 weeks after the moving truck pulled away, there is only half a dozen unpacked boxes. Oddly enough, there is zucchini bread in the oven, but it's all MINE (craving...).

On another note, thank you so much for all of your "don't go out and spend the farm just to decorate and organize" advice over the years. It..is..so..hard not to go purchase half of Bed Bath and Beyond just to get my house organized after this big move. But I have your sweet voice playing in my head "Do you have anything else in the house that would work in this spot? Is there something you could repurpose to fill that need? Can you find it on Craigslist? Just be patient and the right thing will come along? ETC, ETC" You're really a blessing and an inspiration!!

It's such a fine line, isn't it, between taking care of our own needs (SLEEP!) and using those needs to justify neglecting our responsibilities. Only you can figure out where the line is. I know for me lately the excuses have piled up as high as my waist is wide (3 kids...hot summer...pregnant...yada yada yada) but it really seems to boil down to how much time I'm spending with God. If I neglect that then I start neglecting everyone else but me.

my observations...its not about her HAVING to make coffee cakes, it's about her enjoying and being proud making coffee cakes and not feeling "spunky" enough to make one...she feels sad about it...she enjoys the pride her husband has in his eyes carrying in a coffee cake his wife made..and misses that...

Oh Meredith, give yourself a break please. It is perfectly fine to have a store bought food item. No biggie. You are not a failing wife. I don't believe your score for a minute on that 1930's housewife quiz either.

You have a lovely family and spirit. While I know you appreciate beautiful details, there are times when you really shouldn't sweat the small stuff like store bought coffee cakes.

i get how you feel...and no it has NOTHING to do with the darn coffee cake, its the whole thing the coffee cake represents...

i started a job out of the house early june and i gave my notice to end on august 15th....because i wasnt having enough time to make "coffee cakes" for my own family anymore...and it wasnt worth it.....

for some it's baking, others is freshly ironed clothes...others is how their home looks inside or out....

it's about falling down on the job IN OUR OWN EYES....

I'm sure meredith's husband was sweet as always and didn't begrudge her a thing...but this is how she feels about the job she chose and how she is currently doing it....by HER own standards....she took it easy to see if she felt better and she doesnt...so that wasnt the answer...

Hang in there merdith, we all love you and your blog...and we get it...it's hard being a mom and wife...by anyone's standards..but mostly our own....

Ok, I have to add a completely different kind of comment here, Meredith. I'm an RN, worked on the mother-baby unit for quite a few years, and also developed pretty severe hypothyroidism after the birth of my second child (almost 15 years ago now), so I think I am qualified to add my two cents here. So many of the comments centered on the heat, being pregnant, etc.- all of which can, of course, wear out anyone,- but you should ask your OB to run some bloodwork at your next appointment for hypothryoidism. Usually they run some tests called a TSH, a T3, and a T4, along with some antibody tests, etc. Developing hypothyroidism is pretty common with pregnancy, and if you are perpetually feeling blue, sad, worn out and exhausted, etc, these can be signs of something going on with the thyroid gland. If left untreated, a low thyroid level during pregnancy has been shown to lower the IQ of the baby, as well as cause physical problems for the mom. I don't say that to scare you, but just to encourage you to follow this up with your doctor if you see an ongoing pattern with how you are feeling. I would HIGHLY encourage you to go to Mary Shommon's "About.com" website that deals with all things related to the thryroid. She has a WEALTH of information about thyroid problems, all of it accurate as far as I have ever seen. And just one more note: if your doctor runs bloodwork and tells you it all came back "normal", ask him for the specific levels. The TSH test still is considered normal by some labs/doctors if it comes back at "5" or below, but the newest research says that "3" should be the highest reading. Many researchers feel that a reading of "1" is actually what should be considered normal. I know these numbers mean nothing whatsoever to you right now, but you should be aware that many doctors are not up on the latest research with thyroid issues. You can email me if you want, and I'll suggest some more websites and books for you to read if you decide to have bloodwork done. But hopefully, it's just the heat and normal pregnancy exhaustion that's going on, just like everyone says! Best Wishes- Susan

Glad you have gotten so much good advice here Meredith. My suggestion is to, in addition to checking out any medical possibilities, take seriously the hint from your body & soul that you need to retreat into yourself--INCLUDING FROM BLOGGING--more than usual, to prepare for birthing and caring for a new little one. I respected that inner desire with my July baby last year, and you know what, I was well recovered and more energetic when he was two months old than I'd been the whole last trimester.

I've learned with my kids to look at health/eating/rest/enjoyable pursuits when misbehavior or crankiness keeps occuring, and now I'm learning to do the same for myself!

Dear Meredith, my heart goes out to you and you certainly have my prayers for more of God's grace. Yes, the other ladies are right when they urge being gentle with yourself but I do so appreciate how you feel. I am at 24 weeks and have 2 boys (3 & 5) at home with me. We've never eaten so many ready meals and the household 'arrangements' leave a lot to be desired. I too am finding the situation hard to deal with and like you find that letting things drop doesn't actually make me feel any better but rather, worse. I will pray that you find the balance that is right for you. With God's grace I know you will.

Meredith,How much sleep are you getting? I see your last comment was posted late. I have trouble with that too, sometimes waking in the middle of the night for a couple hours. Have you tried "white noise"? It might help to have a fan running near your side of the bed. When is Baby due? Mrs. L.

I understand a bit more now about how you're feeling and why you feel the need to do a better job rather than rest up.

Sometimes medical stuff (like hyperthyroidism, already mentioned) can make you tired - pre-ecclampsia did that to me - even before the medical signs did.

Prioritising can work wonders here. Work out what gives you the most "bang for your buck". If making home made food for hubby to take to work is the thing that gives you the greatest buzz, then prioritise that and cut back on outings with the kids. If a clean kitchen makes your heart sing, then spend your time cleaning that and leave the beds unmade. Skip a trip to the park (in the heat!) and have a DVD day at home, in your pjs - just to make it more fun (although if staying in your pjs makes you feel like a slob then put on some nice clothes!).

Making the effort to brush your hair and style it (a pony tail is great in hot weather) and perhaps even applying some lipstick or lip gloss or your favourite perfume can help you to "fake it til you make it". take regular short breaks - 5 mins every half hour or ten to fifteen every hour-to-hour and a half - and have a glass of water and sit down with your feet up.

Make sure you get to bed early of an evening. If it helps, set everything up for the morning before you go to bed. Keep a pen and paper by your bed to write down things as they come to you so that you dont fel like you need to constantly run through this mental "to do" list.

Work out when you have the most energy and schedule the most important things for then. Plan quiet activities for the times when you have the lowest energy.

Your post a few days ago was a good example - it's worth sacrificing a few $ each grocery shop for the convenience of shopping at two stores instead of seven, especially in the heat, pregnant, with two preschoolers. That's smart prioritising!

I'm glad that Susan brought up the thyroid issue. I was thinking that something hormonal might be out of wack.(You can tell I'm not in the medical field with that technical description!) With my third child my body just seemed to take a harder hit than with the first two. I had much more morning sickness, much more tired and emotional. After the birth it took much more for me to "bounce back". So I agree that you should talk to your Dr. Also be prepared for it to take longer to recover after the birth this time. Maybe stash a little cake in the freezer just in case of cake needing emergency. :)Blessings.

I have long enjoyed your blog and all your pictures and cool ideas. You have been a great motivation to me -- especially during my 3rd pregnancy a year ago.

Just wanted to tell you that you should get your iron checked. You sound exactly like I did when my iron was really low during my first pregnancy... naps didn't help at all. I was SO fatigued and exhausted no matter how much I slept. My iron was 8 and normal is above 12! Within a couple weeks of "treatment", I was totally energized and rejuvenated despite being in my 3rd trimester.

Maybe you've already tried this... maybe you haven't... but I thought I would throw that out there for you. Either way, you ARE pregnant with baby #3, you did just get home from a tiring trip, you just completed a huge redecorating project and you do have 2 healthy kids to care for and chase all day. I hope you feel better soon!

I really hope you don't shoot me Meredith for saying this, but I feel I must! :)

What you are experiencing is precisely why we coined the phrase in our house: THE THIRD BABY IS THE DEAL BREAKER!!!!!

:) All in love of course. We wouldn't trade that 3rd baby for nuthin'. But---all kidding aside, when they start to outnumber you, it does get a tad more difficult to have fresh meals, starched shirts, and decorated mantles. It just requires more energy. And you are pregnant! Give yourself a break and don't sweat the coffee cake too much dear. :)

I know the moms-of-many will probably disagree with me on this, but in our family, the third baby was the deal breaker that smashed all the "rules" and "plans" and that is a big reason why we have 3 and not 4, 5, or more!

Hi, Meredith - I've been pregnant in July - TWICE! It's no joke - However, I think you do not give yourself enough credit at times. Do you realize how considerate and thoughtful you really are sister? When I was pregnant with both, and even now, I have to remind myself that I can not be 'everything' to 'everybody' and to take each day as it comes - with joy and without wearing myself down.You made the perfect choice on the store cake - I cheer you for being thoughtful enough for your hubby to get cake - Plus, being pregnant in the summertime isn't that fun - you are making the most of it, and for that - you rock!working mama in the NW...

PrioritiesCare for your unborn- which means care for you body and soulCare for your babies- again care for you body and soulCare for your husbandCare for his office:>)There is a reason the Bible calls Mary's pregnancy as a time of confinement. Many older cultures permit the pregnant woman to do very little during pregnancy. It was the only time my mother ever had a housekeeper!Most of all- I will continue to pray for you and yours as your summer of confinement continues!

I'm a 54 year old Mom and a Christian. I got married at 19 during the 1973 oil crisis so I know a bit about frugality. Still, I learn new things from your enjoyable site. I am dismayed tho at so many references to Walmart. I know that for many people Walmart is one of the few places to buy things reasonably. Yet people who care about God's children (Christian or not) need to think twice about buying at Walmart. According to the book The China Price, Walmart purchases about $18 bil from China yearly - paying incredibly low prices from people who have to manufacture our niceties under horrendous conditions. Not to mention the effect there's been on American manufacturing. So, while creating a beautiful & gracious home on a small budget is a good thing, let's ponder where our purchases come from,who makes them and how they are made. As proverbs says, "A good wife stretches her arms out to the poor"

Meredith, I wrote the post about Walmart. Pls don't beat yourself up about not feeling well & running out to Walmart. I agree with all the other posts - you've got to give yourself a break. I try to buy only fair trade coffee, and while I'm not pregnant I've got a sick husband and until recently was caregiver to my father-in-law. So sometimes when I forget to order fair-trade from church, I get whatever at the supermarket. We're all human. I really wrote the post to get everyone thinking about Walmart.