That Really
Chaps My Ass!

Sunday, February 01, 2004

How to Change a Tire on Your Wife's Car

1. Wife tells you tire has gone flat and asks you to put on spare.
2. It's Saturday morning, so attempt to wake up.
3. It's also several degrees below freezing, so put on two pairs of socks, long underwear, pants, two shirts, hat, coat, gloves and boots.
4. Phone rings. Wife answers it.
5. Wife tells you not to change tire after all. Road service company said it is on the way. She explains she called them earlier, but they said they were too busy to come out within the next two hours. But it turns out they can come now.
6. Take off clothing mentioned in 3 above.
7. Return to bed.
8. Have strange dreams.

Jeff's Bizarre Dream

I dreamed my wife went on a trip, but never returned. I sent my mother to look for my wife.

Meanwhile, talking mice and beetles attempted to take over my house. I reached an agreement with them whereby they could occupy the attic, and I'd leave them alone if they left me alone.

My wife returned, looking like Audrey Hepburn. I told her about my problems with the mice and showed her the attic. It seems a group of Swedes had taken over part of the attic, compromising my previous agreement with the mice and beetles.

I was pissed about the Swedes.

That dream morphed into one in which I was piloting a space shuttle. We had some kind of emergency, and I had to crash land on the Interstate highway near the Florence Mall in Northern Kentucky.

It was a rough landing, but all the crew lived. For some reason, were all covered in a foul-smelling gel. I managed to flag down a woman driving a minivan, and she picked up the shuttle crew and took us a restaurant.