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Once upon a time I attempted a Lollipop Tuesday where I sang at an open mic. Unfortunately, there was a terrible turnout at the venue that evening and it didn’t feel quite worthy of a Lollipop Tuesday adventure. So shortly thereafter I posted and asked my readers to vote on whether I should have to redo the event.

And because 52.17% of you are heartless bastards, I had to do it again. So this past week I headed back out to the venue. It felt kind of silly to just sing all over again but with more people present, so I decided to up the ante.

Exhibit A: The Poll

By rapping.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday folks.

Let me tell ya – if there’s anything that could get me more nervous than singing, it is certainly rapping. Spitting. Laying down some mad beats. Because I’m super white. Like, super duper white. Not white like Eminem with the rhythm and the baggage and the anger and whatnot. White like I looked up articles on line for how to rap better before I went out that night.

And then recorded myself on my webcam an played it back to write notes for myself. Things like “drop voice more” and “don’t look so awkward” and “you’re doomed, cracker.”

You see, Dave has a song that has an alternate version. He use to hang with a guy that called himself Moses McFly (I kid you not, he’s the raddest dude around) who loved one of his songs so much that he decided to pen a rap verse to it. And truth be told, it’s pretty cool.

You know, when he does it.

So with his blessing, I pulled out the piece of paper he Sharpied the lyrics on so long ago and began to try to lay down his mad rhymes. It was a terrible, pathetic mess. I tried so hard to fit all the words in the phrase but I just have no sense of rhythm or beat or anything pertinent to rap skills. I had to break it down elementary music class style with tee’s and ta’s and whatnot.

Finally I had to kick Dave out and tell him to take a walk because I was simply too mortified to do it in front of him with any sense of abandon. While he was gone I decided I would have to make up a character for myself and just go for it. So I put a hat on sideways and called myself Sloop Jackie B.

It was a Fossil hat. It was white and fuzzy. Almost crocheted, really, but it was the closest thing I had to a baseball cap with the sticker still on it.

But it worked. It really did. I just decided to try to be the best rapper I possibly could instead of wallowing in how obviously terrible I was. And it’s a darn good thing I put on my big girl pants and gave it a go because when I showed up at the bar that night there were three times as many people as usual. The place was absolutely packed. I walked in and my jaw dropped to the floor with the realization that I would have to follow through with my plans.

Dave decided to do it quick like a Band-Aid and sign up 2nd on the list. So before I could even think of relying on any liquid courage, I was up in front of the bar, explaining that I had a blog where I tried one new thing every week that I’m terrible at or have never done before and I share it with the world.

Dave played, I rapped.

I like, actually rapped. I dropped my voice, put my hat on, put my lips right up against the mic like I was it’s middle school lover and I laid down the mad beats of one Mister Moses McFly. It was by far one of the ballsiest things I’ve done in my Lollipop Tuesday saga.

The audience received it well. You know, for the fact that I obviously was no good at it. In fact, I got a lot of support from people I’d never met. Dave was so excited about the whole thing he’s tried to get me to do it again. But let’s be clear: I have no plans to rap again. Sloop Jackie B isn’t cut out for the gangster life.

I mean, let’s get real: my gangster name was based on a song by the Beach Boys.♣

20 Responses to “Sloop Jackie B”

hehehehe yay! I think I would have been utterly terrified, so I’m very proud of you. 🙂

I have a suggestion from a friend for a Lollipop Tuesday… I don’t know if this is something you’ve “never done” but have you ever tried a knitting class? I recommend Knit One in Squirrel Hill – the regulars include some very entertaining cat ladies.