What Your Hairstyle Says About You

A man’s hairstyle is an intensely personal thing. We may talk about it less, we may hide it better, but we fixate on hair as much as the ladies do. The way you cut and style your hair provides clues to the rest of the world about how you see yourself, the cultural tribes you pledge to (either consciously or unconsciously) and what’s likely to be in your Netflix queue. So before you arrive for that next interview or drop a line on that blonde across the bar, do yourself a favor and find out what you’re announcing with your ’do. (These predictions, by the way, are guaranteed to be as accurate as a horoscope.)

Bed Head

A guy has to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror to look like he didn’t, but that’s no chore when you love looking at yourself as much as you do. Not to suggest that you’re vain, but you do seem to prefer sentences that start with “I.” On the merest of summer days, you find reason to shed your shirt. You are well educated but hide it well. You’ve never had to try too hard for anything (except that expertly tousled hair). You throw a mean Frisbee. In your pocket right now, there is a tube of lip balm.

The Moptop (aka The Bieber)

You are adorable. It’s kind of distracting. Might have something to do with the fact that you’re 12 years old. Oh, sorry, you only look 12 years old, even though you voted in the last election. Your on-camera class is going great, but your manager keeps sending you out for these silly teenage parts. You want to be taken seriously as an actor! Also, you like exclamation marks in your Facebook updates!! You probably keep a journal. As a kid, you went to church sleepaway camp, and this year you’re going to return as a counselor, guitar in hand. Your popularity is as inexplicable as it is undeniable.

The Bald Spot

Your sense of style sucks. Even for a regional sales manager. One foot in the grave, son. Also, you’re a dud in bed. Hey, only fooling — that’s what you think people think when they see your deforested dome, which goes a long way toward explaining the Corvette. Funny part is, you still spend as much time messing with it as you did when you had hair. What are you doing in there? You’ve been known to ask, upon seeing a picture of yourself, “Am I really that bald?” And if you belong to that bizarre subset of balding men who resort to the comb-over, your preponderance for self-deception is truly frightening and possibly clinical.

The Afro

You are a great man to have at a party. You’re a natural cutup. You’re working on a screenplay. You are aggressively antiestablishment. And can do convincing pratfalls — plus funny dancing that is, at the same time, pretty good dancing. Hair-wise, you’ve opted for the old strategy of calling attention to the very thing that makes you most anxious: your tight, curly 'fro. To, in effect, make it disappear by exaggerating it. And underneath your class-clown act is a wriggling mass of insecurity. You are, like some domestic pets, too smart for your own good.

The Jesus

Nothing says “I do not have a real job” like long, flowing, dirty New Testament locks. Which is fine with you, ‘cause you’ve got all the job you need at the comic book shop. You spend a lot of time on eBay, scouring auctions for deals on Magic: The Gathering cards. Your prized possession: a limited-edition replica of Gandalf’s sword from The Lord of the Rings movies. Sometimes, drunk on microbrews, you tell people you have a black belt in karate, even though you quit those martial arts classes at the community center at the age of eight, and the only fights you have ever been in were resolved with dice rolls. God help you if the girlfriend ever leaves.