Friday, January 30, 2009

I ordered some yoga pants from the Land's End outlet for about ten bucks. I also got a locker at the gym to eliminate some of my perpetual excuses. Shampoo, a spare towel, and some basic gym clothes mean that I can drop by whenever without having to go home and collect what I need.

I also went to the gym and spent an hour with the manager. We interviewed each other so that she could recommend a personal trainer for me. She's going to get back to me. I'll get a free hour orientation with whoever she finds that seems to fit my needs and schedule.

This was really hard. Among other things I had to be assertive about what I need. And to figure out what I want.

What is my goal? To do one pull up (or chin up). That's all.

Sounds really simple, doesn't it? It'll either have to get strong as hell or lose some serious weight or both. I guess I'll figure that part out as I go along. But somewhere along the way having a simple single-minded goal seemed like a good idea. Not get in shape or lose weight or look better or feel better. Just something simple and measurable.

Next goal: Feel valuable enough to get my butt there and act like I am entitled to take up space.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I have ratty sweats, but they make me feel like crap. I don't want a new wardrobe -- investing money in clothes will just make me feel like I need to get a lot of use out of them and discourage me from losing weight. I need things that are close enough to my body so that I can see what it is doing but not so close that I am too embarrassed to go out of the house. And all of those jock stores that have such cool stuff don't have clothes that fit me.

*snarl*

Why in the bloody blue blazes does everything have to be so much harder when you aren't average?

Friday, January 23, 2009

I've never told anybody this. And I don't know why it tapped into my core so badly.

The last time I tried to exercise outside was a very very long time and a great many pounds ago. I weighed like 180 and was focusing on fitness. I was by myself, on a bicycle in a flat agricultural area nearby. It isn't well traveled so I was ok about going slowly if I needed to or stopping when necessary.

I was struggling up a small grade when a car whizzed by, then screeched to a stop about 100 feet in front of me. It was an old beater and the young man on the right -- an old teenager with long hair and a ripped tee shirt -- leaned half of his body out of the car window and shouted at me "Get off the road you fat cow." He then threw an open beer in my direction and the car took off like a bat out of hell.

I stood there for the longest time, shaking. The situation felt totally unsafe, but the fact that I was being ridiculed overwhelmed me. I trembled while I struggled my way back to my car, put the bicycle in, and went home. And never did it again.

I'm sitting here trying to make myself go to the gym, all of 7 minutes away. And all I can think about is how embarrassed I am. Maybe it's an excuse but maybe not. I think I need to work on this.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Today it is very cold ... nine degrees I believe ... and I was craving creamed chipped beef. So after a bit of fussing, some Pam in a pan, heavily browned dried beef strips, about half a tsp of flour for thickening, and non-fat milk, I made an amazingly satisfactory concoction. It was thinner than it might have been but ok. I toasted a slice of 9 grain toast and pre-diced it. Covering it with the "milked" concoction, the toast squares soaked up the mixture. I now have a very warm tummy.

And the day before yesterday I made french toast. I soaked leftover italian bread in a mixture of non-fat eggnog mixed with one egg, a little nutmeg, and (my favorite) black pepper. Fried two sliced on a Pam-sprayed pan. I don't know what the calories were, but it was different and tasty and couldn't have been so bad as a Sunday brunch.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I've never been inclined to make resolutions. I'm more inclined to mark the passage of time with a little reflection. Today I've learned that for the first time I'm actually changing my life style instead of just saying it is the right thing to do. I'm not eating what I want every single time but I'm making better choices. Sometimes that means not eating crap now so I can eat crap later. That's an improvement.

I'm also feeling more settled, less desperate, than I have in the past. I don't know what that means or even why. I'm just observing.

In the spirit of that balance I'm going to work on developing the habit of exercise and movement. That may mean 5 minutes a day but nearly every day. I think my goal is six days a week but it may have to be seven for the habit to take root. I'm also working on sleeping more. I typically sleep 5 to 6 hours a night during the week, catching up a bit on weekends. I can muddle through but that's just not enough.

Now I'm going to stop talking about what I'm going to do and look forward to reporting on what I've done.

And today I weight 259. One of these days I'll put that in the sidebar.