You know those girls who seem like they’re really cool… until you realize that everything that’s cool about them is something they sucked out of their ex-boyfriends? You know the girls I’m talking about: those Vampire Girls…

Teach me how to fix cars.
Teach me how to drink
Teach me about Coltrane.
Teach me how to think.

How’d you get so confident? How’d you learn about all these restaurants? You’re so interesting… I could listen to you forever! Teach me how to develop photographs. Let me mix your paints! Can I apprentice from you while you blow glass? Or I’ll just sit here quietly while you think.
Cosmopolitan Magazine taught me how to get a man, now you’re going to have to teach me everything else. I want to be you. I mean, I love you! Introduce me to your contacts. I mean, your parents! Can’t you make me interesting, like you?