‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Even a crisis doesn’t stop the bickering

You’d think the women of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” might come together when a crisis strikes. You know, a crisis like a tabloid running headlines proclaiming a husband is screwing around, or maybe a burglary that results in a beloved dog running away. Guess what? Even as the tears flow and the hugs get passed around, the women are still sniping and snarling and bitching at one another. Isn’t that sweet? It’s nice to think that when the apocalypse hits, these women will be busily hitting one another with the pointy heels of their Louboutins while we steal all their food and water. See? There is an upside!

Still, there’s something deeply annoying about watching these women settling into a beautiful resort in Palm Springs, flocking together for a decadent dinner, and then whining about betrayal and hurt feelings and whatever the hell. As Brandi gets drunk (I’m thinking her blood alcohol level is something like 50 proof by the end of the evening), the other ladies find old arguments to dust off and slap on the table like rotten mushrooms or Lady Gaga’s meat dress. Yolanda doesn’t trust Kyle. Kyle doesn’t trust Yolanda. Brandi wants to KICK KYLE’S ASS and then possibly have sex with her, because that’s how Brandi rolls now. But she’s Kyle’s friend, which Kyle should realize because she isn’t yammering about how Mauricio is licking prostitutes on the sidewalk of Rodeo Drive.

After Brandi goes much too far (according to the ladies) in calling Kyle a crazy a-hole, Kyle dashes from the table in tears. Her feelings are hurt! She can’t stand all this meanness! I would suggest Kyle stay far away from this thing called the Internet, because I think crazy a-hole is one of the nicer things she’s been called this season. Yolanda, who seems to be exasperated that so much drama is being generated by such short people, actually decides to be the better woman and hug it out with Kyle. So, all’s well, right?

Not really, because Kim decides to tell Lisa she’s sick, sick, sick of being dismissed by her! Lisa pretty much dismisses this and goes to have some tea, which seems like the English solution to many things. I’d say this is quite a bit better than the Brandi solution to many things, which largely involves drinking entire bottles of vodka. It’s not a drinking problem, it’s a solution! As in, she’s pickling herself from the inside out!

Then there’s some skinny dipping, plus some silly running around which I’m sure they all think makes them look playful but really is just embarrassing, and finally everyone settles down and starts behaving themselves (well, sort of, in that Yolanda and Lisa leave early). Kyle clearly wants to point this out to everyone (“SEE? THEY CAUSE ALL THE PROBLEMS!”) and the strain of holding in the snark actually makes her mouth pucker weirdly around the Botoxed areas. Then, the really bad news — someone tried to break into Brandi’s house, and her dog Chica has run away.

Brandi loses her mind, as Chica is like a child to her, plus her children are going to be devastated, and it’s just a bad, bad scene. Everyone is overflowing with reassurances, and then… Joyce has the temerity to open her mouth for something other than breathing. She thinks she’s being helpful by mentioning that once she had a dog runaway. Au contraire! No, Brandi is entirely pissed that Joyce has opened her damn fool pie hole. “This isn’t a competition!” Brandi shrieks through a wall of tears and snot while Joyce blinks in that wide-eyed Disney princess way she has.

Brandi and Carlton head off to the airport, signaling the unhappy end of the unhappy trip. Hope everyone got to wear their favorite bikini! Unless they’re Kyle, in which case she was happiest to not wear one at all while yelling “I’M NAKED!” to her sister. All class, these crazy kids!

Do you think Brandi is unfair to Joyce? Do you think Yolanda and Kyle could ever be friends? Do you think Brandi was right to fire her assistant (as Chica has still not been found)?