I confess

I have
turned into someone I used to dislike. Two-faced, elitist, a hypocrite. I
have conveniently forgotten my roots in order to ease into a more
comfortable environment — one from where I condescend, belittle, and
snark.

I think it stems from my tendency to be
passionate and over-zealous about my current set of beliefs and ideals
at any given time. My ever-so-eager attitude to judge and to conclude
fuels it. My insecurities and a certain lack of self confidence lead to a
constant need to feel superior; worsening the matters.

Let me illustrate with a few examples:

English-Vinglish

“Congrates!”
“Hello, I am motivate about u r info.” and the list of incorrectly
spelled, grammatically incorrect messages goes on and on. “Ugh! Stupid
people can’t even speak a sentence properly.” I think. At once, my
impression of them is a low one. The other part of my mind says,
“Sujeet, remember…”

I remember. I was 16. And I hadn’t
spoken a word in English. English was solely limited to one subject in
school: English! Funny part? Most of it was taught in Marathi! Fast
forward seven years. Today I communicate in English, express, study,
argue, plead, flatter, and cajole in English. Heck, I even think in
English. Because I need to. Because I had to and I have to. Because life
has put me in these situations. And yet, I am not even half as good with
English as many of my friends.

The people I laughed at, whose English
skills I made fun of — they would once have been in the same situation I
was in seven years ago. For them, maybe, life wasn’t enough of an
anglophile to throw them into the situations I was thrown into. I
understand. I struggle to not show the repulsion I experienced, but
nonetheless it exists. That worries me.

I recently learnt how to make chapatis. My mom had created kind of a
build-up by saying that it is quite difficult and requires a lot of
skill to make chapatis. When I made as good chapatis as her at my first
attempt, I was so damn excited and proud that I posted pictures of me
cooking on Facebook.

The next day, one of my school 'friends'
said, "You learnt cooking, now what? Learn to do dishes, wash clothes,
wear a sari? Too bad you won't be able to breastfeed your children, miss
Gholap!" Some of other friends hi-fived and started laughing.

Apparently it was a really funny and witty joke :-/

When
the joke was made, “you misogynist f*cktards!” I screamed inside my
mind. “What a bunch of losers!” Smugly I thought. That ‘other’ part of
my mind asked “who are these people?”

Forget a
metropolitan city, some of these haven’t ever left the town. Even more
are those who haven’t seen the world outside the district. These are
people who have seen women doing precisely that — cooking, cleaning, and
rearing children. Most of them housewives. The ones who work, work in
addition to doing these things. They come from homes where sisters are
made to sweep and wash while brothers play cricket. They go to colleges
where the few girls that are in the college care more about make-up,
looks, and gossip than studies (if at all).

These are people who haven’t
seen any data-points countering their world-view. Misogyny is a
‘given’, a natural thing for them. Kiran Bedi? Medha Patkar? Well, those
are examples, ideals. Difficult to personally connect with and relate
to. Those are distant, other-worldly realities. Oddities. These are
people, who unfortunately have never been exposed personally to the more
liberal, free thinking world. Their thoughts are stagnant like water in a
pond and their world-view, blinkered. Almost all due to lack of
opportunities.

Is it really their fault that they show misogynistic
tendencies? I understand. I realize that calling them ‘f*cktards’ is
neither the answer nor the cure. Condescension is the first thing that
should go. Understanding, empathy and a friendly approach toward (for
the lack of better term) ‘opening their eyes’ is what I should arm
myself with. Again, I don’t show my anger, my repulsion. But they exist.
And, maybe in a moment of heat, I might act upon them. That worries me.

An ‘open’ mind

The
other day a friend was talking about a Muslim rally. ‘Those people’ are
like this, ‘those people’ are like that, ‘those people’ foobar, ‘those
people’ blah. He was talking about them as if they are a different species! Another friend had his revolutionary thoughts about gays “we should
exterminate all the gay ******”. “This narrow-mindedness is so sickening!” I
thought. “A worthless bunch of losers” was the knee-jerk description of
them that came to my mind. That same ‘other part’ of my mind said
“remember Sambhaji Brigade? When you were 15?”

I
remember. Just like now, I had quite strong views. Way too different
from now, but strong nonetheless. There was this huge anti-Brahmin
propaganda being perpetrated by this Maratha-caste chauvinist
organization called Sambhaji Brigade and I had totally bought it. I
hated Brahmins. I hated them for the alleged robbery of opportunities
they perpetually indulged in. I hated them for allegedly plotting and
scheming against, and eventually bringing down the great Maratha King
Shivaji and his son Sambhaji. Boy, let me tell you, the propaganda was
effective (well, at least so I thought at the age of 15), appealing to your
feelings, appeasing to your sense of superiority. Hammer the same
bullshit a million times and it becomes the ground truth.

So,
what moral right do I have to condescend on the so called
‘narrow-minded’ people when I myself was one? I was fortunate to get
out, get into a diverse peer group, see various things, and have interesting
interactions. But what of those less fortunate? Similar argument as the
one I made in the case of misogyny should follow.

I think, empathy isn’t bred
out of thin air. It is difficult to remain homophobic when you interact
with someone gay, see them for the perfectly normal human beings they are. Same
goes for hating Brahmins or any religious / ethnic / national group for
that matter. You mix and mingle, you interact and connect, empathy
follows. At the end of it, isn’t “being accommodating and accepting of
even those who aren’t open-minded” the hallmark of open-mindedness? But
this doesn’t help. The condescension remains. Urge to feel superior by
belittling these ‘narrow-minded’ people remains. That worries me.

Guide me, O wise one!

“Sir,
I am really inspire the you. I too wanna become IIT. Please you can
guidance? What books using?” I have already addressed the language
aspect of this. But it isn’t just limited to that. “Do you know that
there exists a thing called ‘Google’? Go, first search for ‘Sujeet Gholap
IIT preparation’, read my blog, and come back! Wasting my time just like
that!” I am ashamed to admit, but yes, that’s the reply that springs up
in my head. It irks me beyond measure that before pinging me, they
haven’t done even a cursory Google search. After all, why should I be
the one to tell them “so, to get into IIT, you should choose maths and
not bio for your +2”.

But then I remember… I was in
9th standard. There was some vague government circular in school about
these exams called ‘Olympiads’, pointing to something called a ‘website’
for further details and application procedure etc. “what website?”
“what internet?” I hadn’t a clue! (I mean, I just had a really really
vague idea that internet is something in a computer which gives you
loads and loads of knowledge but my computer doesn’t have one)
Fortunately, there was a postal address of certain Professor Uglipurkar (name changed),
some kind of convenor or something. Well, what does a 15 year old,
ambitious, but exposure-lacking kid do? Write a letter? Yes, I wrote a letter to him. I am
pretty sure it wasn’t much better than the “sir, I much inspire you”
kind. No reply! I was crushed. It was akin to telling me “you don’t
really matter.”

For whatever this piece of
information is worth, I would proudly like to tell, three years later, I was
part of the team representing India in International Olympiad of
Astronomy and Astrophysics. I fetched a silver medal.

By being
dismissive and condescending, am I not being just another Uglipurkar? (I
don’t care a whit that he’s a professor. For me, he would remain a man
who couldn’t care less about his supposed mission of spreading
science-awareness in general and awareness of Olympiads in particular in
far-reaching corners of under-developed India.)

And
because I don’t want to be another Uglipurkar, I keep calm, reply to
every message asking for guidance, helping them, pointing them to the
right resources to the best of my abilities. Most of them expect to be
totally spoon-fed. Asking help for everything and anything. I oblige. I
don’t want some other version of myself missing out on things just
because some dude didn’t reply.

That’s the action part. What about the
thought part? Yes, I find these irritating. The questions, the requests
for guidance, the lack of prior cursory searches. That irritation worries me.

...

I guess, it all boils down to realizing, and more importantly, internalizing the fact that it isn't the people that are in the wrong. It is the ideas, beliefs, notions, and tendencies. That's what you should fight against. But believe me, I find it extremely difficult to refrain from attacking the person instead. It is hard for me to dissociate the idea from the person and attack the former. That, again, worries me.

“You aren’t your mind, you are the filter that’s sitting between your mind and your actions”

Yes,
yes, I get that. But suppressing all these urges to condescend, to
ignore, to disregard — that is a significant cognitive overhead. My
measured actions differ from my more primal and (IMO, bad) tendencies.
My true reactions, the display of condescension is limited to myself and
sometimes to closest of my friends.

I have seen people who are
genuinely helpful, open-minded. While, many times, I find a need to stop and think “what would ‘good guy Gholap’ do?” I don’t think they go through the same struggle of overcoming what the mind tends to do with what a good person should do. What’s their secret, I wonder… When am I going to become one? What
should I be doing so that these measured actions actually replace the
knee-jerk thoughts? I am clueless…

Right now, this ‘other part’ of my mind is what
keeps me grounded. “Remember where you came from” it tells me. “Don’t
you ever forget your roots!” it warns. But sometimes I sense it getting
weaker… Sometimes, I just want to make snide remarks like “Ugh! These ‘country’ people!” Anyway, the struggle goes on… and one day, I
hope, I really really hope, I would succeed.

It's good to introspect, but thoughts aren't enough. You may not be able to help everybody, but try to help those who really have enthu. Try some clever auto reply robots if you are flooded with help requests. Good luck!

I think the Jekyl-Hyde ish conflict you described here so well is something that all of us experience. I can totally identify with that struggle with your internal voice. You deserve credit for being able to make such remarkable distinctions about a person and their circumstances, even if it isn't your knee jerk reaction. I don't know when your transformation will happen....but I hope you arent too hard on yourself in the process. At the end of the day its your actions that define you, and on those scales I think you are doing a damn good job!