The Holy Gospel of the Easter Bunny

Ultimate Praying Championship

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Jeff – When will they learn?! If you make predictions too close to the present, that means you have to make another prediction and get people to forget about the first one before you have established a good brainwashed following.

What you need to do is set it out like 10 years. That way there’s a little bit of urgency, but plenty of time for brainwashing.

So, how about we get in touch with him this time in 2011 and ask him wussup?

Pets go to heaven? That’s a good question for fundo Xians. I mean who wants to go to heaven if you have to leave your pets behind? With of course, the following caveats: Cats will go to hell immediately (can you say “Satanic familiar”?), and dogs…well, it’s curgatory for them.
But the rest of the animals? Those that rely on you for their sustenance, and whose total existence seems to be to ensure that you will have something in your life that you can feel superior to…

That “After Humans” show on one of the various Discovery channels dealt with that exactly. Most pets would be dead in the first week, with no means of escape from the house and no food. The clever ones that can get into cabinets and such could live longer, but would probably not live long enough to find a mate and procreate.

Those that did live on would be mostly strays, and the carefully artifical selection that led to numerous breeds would be wiped out in a few generations, with cats and dogs returning to shapes that actually provide them with a selective advantage.

Coincidentally, our new crazy friend and excellent artist, James Spiegel of Atheists are Delusional fame, suggests that animals will be raptured along with the rest of us (except for you, you stinking atheist!).

Recently, as I’ve been reading through the book of Genesis, a passage jumped out at me that I had overlooked before—Genesis 9:5. Amazingly, this verse refers to the fact that animals themselves will be judged. Getting a running start from verse 4, it reads like this:

“You must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man” [Italics in original]

“You must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal…

Well, I’m happy to hear my beloved parrots will make it up to heaven for the most part (except the sociopathic ones that bite fingers off and so on), but I feel bad for cat lovers. Not too many kitties will be making it to heaven by that standard!

Homer: I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie Heaven. In Doggie Heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can’t turn around without sniffing another dog’s butt! And all the best dogs are there, Old Yeller, and about eight Lassies.

Bart: Is there a Doggie Hell?

Homer: Well… of course, there couldn’t be a heaven if there weren’t a hell.

And there’s the classic Twilight Zone episode where a hunter and his dog are drowned. When they arrive at the entrance to Heaven the dog starts barking and the gate keeper says no dogs allowed. The hunter says that he didn’t want to go to Heaven without his dog and keeps on walking. They keep walking and eventually come to another entrance. Turns out that this one is the actual entrance to Heaven and dogs are definitely allowed. The other entrance, of course, was the entrance to Hell and the man’s dog protected him from it.