Tag Archives: faith

About this time last Sunday, we were putting an offer on a house (the secret!).One that we felt, at the time, was ‘it’. Everything we were looking for. An offer that got accepted late on Monday evening.

And today, at almost the same time, we are backing outof that very offer.

I sit here in tears, saddened at what I thought – what we thought – was truly the house we had been looking for, as it had the perfect mix of move-in condition, yard and deck, and feel to it that screamed ‘us’ and in a town that we both really love.

But after a home inspection yesterday, and some sage advice from a few close family members, combined with our own growing apprehension about these concerns they, and we, began to have, it became clear that maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t *it* after all. As hard as it is to see past the plethora of good qualities in this house – and the list is pretty endless – the bad, the possible warning signs became just too evident, and hard to see beyond. From a very old roof (that we’d likely get stuck footing the bill for) to questions about past flooding (three sump pumps seemed three too many…), to some bowing in the floors that seemed perhaps more than just age and natural settling, we began to wonder if those opinions of others were right…and that maybe we were letting the good qualities of this home cloud our judgement.

After watching another episode of Joel Osteen this morning, his message was focused on praying BIG prayers, and not settling for less, or for ‘just enough.” Dream big, expect more and don’t settle for less. If that isn’t a universal truth and screaming clear message, I don’t know what is. As we sit here and mourn the loss of ‘what couldn’ve been,’ we are focusing on blind faith, trust, and the bigger truth of ‘what WILL be’ in our future...the right home, the right time, the right next step to continue where our story began.

It’s partially why I’ve been all quiet up in here and partially because of the ole writer’s block, in a sense too.

And without (yet) going into detail, this ‘what I know and you don’t’ was just a huge, huge reminder of two things:

never underestimate the people that enter your lives or why…because you truly DO meet every single person for a reason.

and

believe in God’s will and favor and in time – the right time – it will all start to fall into place.

These two truths spoke loud and clear to M and me this week, as we sat on Monday evening, quietly, watching Joel Osteen speak these very words (similar to these), as we held hands, looked at each other, and just…hoped. Hoped for the goodness we so wanted…but in reverse, hoped that the goodness we wanted was also what HE wanted FOR US…but to have the faith to trust that if it was not what He wanted for us right now, it would not happen and we would need to be okay with that, to trust and know that whatever is meant to be, will be.

Well…it looks like God’s plan is yet again at work, and we feel incredibly blessed at the way our lives are playing out together, where it’s leading us, together, united. I will of course share ‘where’ this is leading us soon, but rather than hamper my thoughts on this and set them aside, I just felt the urge to chronicle them here, while in the moment, and feeling the power of Him, so greatly and powerfully.

I honestly feel as though my connection to God is as strong – if not stronger – than it has ever been. My personal relationship with Him, and something that M and I speak of often these days, despite slightly different views (he being Catholic, me being Protestant/Congregational), it is something we both respect and it is yet another reason I fall in love with M more and more each day…his dedication to living a life of good, and leading by example, inspires me to be a better me as well. And it makes me even more excited to call him my husband…whenever that may be 😉

Sometimes I feel as though I am a bit of an oversharer and it has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Trouble, as in mentally.

Talking up a run, or a race (in the distant past!), or something I want to do.

And putting pressure on myself (my own doing!) that I just don’t need.

Trouble, as in emotionally.

Talking about life plans, or M, or changes in life that I may not be quite ready to talk about.

When sometimes, it’s best to share these things *after* they’ve happened, or after you’ve achieved a milestone or accomplished that goal.

Now is one of those times in my life – and M’s life – that I feel the need to be quiet.

To not disclose a lot of the transitions we are going through right now (they’re all good, don’t worry!), to put unnecessary pressure on myself, or on us, to ‘perform’ – if that makes sense. To live our life right now, learn with each other, grow with each other, continue our paths towards faith together, and well…keep it at that. Between us.

(I’m guessing this vagueness may cause some eyebrow raises or questions or emails, but honestly, I just need to keep my life and my brain as uncluttered and as focused as possible right now, and as much as I want to gab on about the goodness, the grace, the will, and the path right now, I just think it’s best saved for the thrill in the surprise when all is said and done. Doesn’t everyone like surprises? I appreciate the respect for privacy and support, nonetheless, however, as always!))

~~

This leads me to faith. I talk about it a lot. I advise it a lot, to my sisters, my family, M, friends, etc.

But when it comes to me latching on and believing in faith? Sometimes I am really bad at believing in faith. In believing that what’s meant to be will be. Trusting that life is happening the way it is meant to.

Today was one of those days.

And as much as I wanted to not get my hopes up, and not let myself believe…it was too late. And when the letdown came, it was hard. I immediately got upset, I got teary, I got frustrated. And M’s first reaction? “That just means God has bigger things in store for us, don’t worry.”

*blink*

What can I even say to that except to feel incredibly blessed to have a man in my life, a man I will be with forever, utter the words I needed to hear at that very minute and for those words to come out of his mouth?

Speechless.

Another example came this weekend, when seeing my grandparents and spending some time together and realizing that while they are both in very good health, my gram at 89 and my gramp at 85, they are…old. And in a sense, it may just be a matter of time, and with life being so fleeting, it just sort of sunk in, that while yes, I am again incredibly blessed to have such healthy grandparents, and such a close relationship with them, it’s far too easy to take that for granted too. And scary to think of the inevitable.

But it just leads back to faith. Being at peace with what life brings us, and takes us, and God’s plan for us all.

That feeling of peace washed over me, as M and I discussed my fears over their health, on our drive home, and again today, with that text I really needed to read.

Sometimes I need a giant rope to help me hang on to faith for dear life, and other times, faith feels as though it surrounds me. Now is a time where my faith may be tested a fair amount, but with the support of a man I can’t thank God enough for, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that that faith will hold strong, Now. And forever.

~~

Pardon my meandering post today, and somewhat vagueness. To some, this may make sense, to others, it may not. But either way, sometimes you just gotta get out what’s on the mind, and tonight’s one of those nights. Cheers, friends.

Like this:

On my drive to the airport this morning (now almost seeming to feel like yesterday! long day!), I got the overwhelming fear of ‘too good.’Of my life, at this very moment (despite my sadness at saying goodbye to M at the airport), that it feels too good. For too long. And something is bound to give.

The other shoe to drop.

The fear of ‘too good.’

I silently prayed. For safety. For M, my family…me. And for faith. To *not* fear the worst and instead, go forward thinking the best. But sometimes, it’s hard to wrap my head around ‘the best’ because I feel like my life is the best. Yes, I worked for it. Damn hard. Yes, I fought for it. Damn hard. And yes, I deserve it. Damn straight I do. But sometimes, I fear that I don’t deserve it. That something is bound to happen. That I am ‘due’ for a lesson. A tough road. A path I may not want to walk down.

Maybe it’s the fear of complacency. That fear is deep within because I became so complacent with my life, for almost a decade before I was slapped upside the head with reality .Divorce. Starting from scratch. Losing what I thought was the best life then. And little did I know all that would unfold in front of me that would blow that life out of the water.

So why do I fear it still? Is it natural? Maybe. Is it lack of faith in God, in myself, in my life? Maybe…just a little bit. And I hate to admit that, because it screams failure, weakness and lacking in faith, to its very core.

But maybe that fear is what keeps me in check. Maybe I needed to fear the worst, to worry that things were tipping towards ‘too good’ and it would now swing back. Maybe if I didn’t feel fear of the ‘other shoe to drop’ – it would drop. Because of complacency.

Or maybe, it’s a combination of complacency and checks and balances all wrapped together. A reminder to always show gratitude, feel gratitude and say words of gratitude, too. Say I love you. More. Often.Show love, and not just take it in. And pay it forward. Go beyond words, and into action. Do more, kick complacency and challenge the premise of ‘too good’ – because as good as life is, there is always more to do, to keep it good, to make it better, to strengthen.

I’m sure I’m rambling. And it may not make a lot of sense. But writing it out, I feel better. Grateful. And faithful.

Lately I’ve been struck by my sense of intuition on some things. Some of which I won’t share in detail (such a tease, I know…), but a few that I think are just more ongoing ‘a-ha’ moments for me as I grow as a barre n9ne instructor and student and as a mindful, intuitive eater.

Intuition lately has been telling me to not rush things.

Not try to ‘can’t wait’ past the very present. The moments that matter.

The in-between moments that will otherwise be lost, forgotten or not even noticed to begin with.

It feels like an incredibly special time in my life right now, from my life with M, as we move forward towards uniting our lives forever, to continuing to focus on balance and prioritizing what and who matter, like my sisters, my niece, the friends that ‘get’ me most.

Intuition is telling me to keep focusing on ‘feeling the room’ when I am teaching a barre n9ne class, ease up ever so gently if there is struggle (beyond the point where it should be, where form suffers), offer words of guidance and support, help clients refocus and snap back to the present, as they too can drift off and not focus and push and break through barriers. (it also is a gentle reminder to me, when I am a student in class, to channel the very words I speak, and work and hone).

Intuition is telling me when to eat, and when to stop. It is telling me when I am hungry, and when I am bored, or stuck in a habit. It is an ongoing, lifelong process, but this intuitive eating thing…gets easier and easier the more I listen to that intuition and mindfulness. It’s about peace. Not struggle.

Intuition is also telling me when to ease up on my own workouts, on my body, and well, on myself. Stop trying to be do it all or be regimented.

Intuition is urging me to let go a little. (M is also really good at helping me practice this, just by nature of how chill he is. About everything. From getting married, to what to make for dinner!) I need to be more vicarious because the more planned I am, the more boxed in I feel and the less I enjoy any of those carefully made plans (my favorite pin lately on Pinterest? Something along the lines of, I can be spontaneous if it is carefully planned <–that is so me!).

Most importantly, intuition is guiding me in my life. Intuition of the faith variety. It helps me feel centered. It helps me realize when I am losing sight of what is important, or getting caught up in the details or the excitement of something and not looking at it realistically. (this is where the vagueness comes in…). Intuition is telling me that ‘life is never simple. But don’t fret. It will all work out as need be.’ <–wise words of Ms Lindsay yesterday as I tweeted out some frustration. Thank you friend, it was e-xactly what I needed at that very moment.

I think this year, while it has been one of the best years of my life so far, it has also taught me so very much in terms of listening to myself, my body, my intuition. Letting it guide me. Breaking past the stubbornness. And letting go just a little bit more. Living more freely, and ‘sitting down’ when I need to.