Many people think that understanding your abuser is unimportant to the healing process. They say the reasons they did what they did doesn’t matter- only the fact that they hurt you matters. I disagree with this type of thinking.

When you understand what makes your abuser tick, it helps you a great deal by seeing that that person is the one with the problem, not you. You finally can see that you aren’t responsible for what they did to you. You did nothing to make that person hurt you. Nothing you did or didn’t do forced them to hurt you. Ultimately, it’s the choice of the abuser how they treat people & once you understand that your abuser made some very bad choices, it sets you free of any false guilt you carried for what you endured.

Understanding your abuser also helps you if you are still in a relationship with that person. (As I’ve said many times, not everyone is able or willing to go no contact with the narcissist in their life, & I am trying to help those people.) When you know how they think, you understand why they’re saying & doing the hurtful things they are. This means their words or actions don’t hurt as badly as they could, because you know that they aren’t personal, exactly- they are the result of the dysfunction of the abuser. It also helps you because you’ll be able to anticipate their next move. When you know them well enough to predict their actions, you can anticipate the best ways to protect yourself & set boundaries.

If you’re being abused, please consider what I’ve said. If your abuser is a narcissist, they are especially devious, so learning about narcissism is especially important. Learn what you can. Read books & websites. Most of all though, pray. Ask God to show you whatever you need to know. Also, ask Him to show you ways to cope. If you’re able to go no contact & considering it, ask Him if you should, & if so, how to go about it. God will provide you with great, helpful insight.

Understanding your abuser is important because in being abused, your perspective and thinking capacities were snuffed out. Figuring out your abuser’s character and motives where you didn’t see them before is SMART. It means you are coming out from under the cloak of abuse and out of fight,flight, or freeze and into really mobilizing your healing. It is waking up and not being blind to reality. Abusers want you to be blind to reality…knowing that can help you seek truth. Others who criticize that awakening are thinking like abusers.

My Facebook Fan Group
I no longer have a facebook fan page. Due to wanting more privacy for my fans, I created this group. It is a safe place to discuss my work, their own battles with abuse/healing/recovery, or, well, anything they like!