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FRI

Last Day to Collect Household Goods at the ChurchSummer Household Goods Drive - We have begun collecting household goods (clothing, small furniture, books, CD’s and DVD’s, etc…). If you have things that you would like to donate please bring them to the church starting August 1st. We will be collecting from August 1st through the 25th, so if you feel it’s time to clean out a closet we would love whatever you can donate! Ask your neighbors, family members and anyone else that you know that might have things that they would be willing to donate to the church. This is a great way to help the church budget!! All items will be stored in the garage in the small trailer.

AUG

26

SAT

St Benedict's Community Dinner3:00 AM to 5:00 AMThis is held at St. Benedict’s Episcopal Church. St. Andrew’s takes turns cooking and everyone helps serve. In conjunction with St. Benedict’s Episcopal (910 Bowker Street, Lacey) we serve a hot meal for the homeless and low-income people in our community. Come help set-up, serve, clean-up. If you would like for information please contact Rich Green (360) 943-9290.

When my 3 year old opened his birthday present from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He immediately headed for the sink. I was not so pleased and turned to mom and said: “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we drove you crazy with water guns?” My mom smiled and replied: “I remember!!”
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Did you hear about the terrible disaster at sea? A pink cruise ship collided with a purple cruise ship. All the passengers were marooned!

The tragedy of the flea is that he knows for certain that all of his offspring will go to the dogs.

2. My Travel Plans for 2014 - I’ve been in many places but never in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with Someone.

I’ve never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

Stay tuned for more of my travel plans.

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1) A police officer stops a fellow for speeding and asks to see his drivers license. The fellow says, “I wish you guys would get your act together.” “Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you.”

2) The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

3) Sign at a Tire Shop:
Invite us to your next blowout.

What is the difference between:

A king’s son,
A Monkey’s mother,
A bald head, and
an orphan?

Ones an heir apparent.
The next is a hairy parent.
The next has no hair apparent.
The last has nary a parent.

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1. Beware when taking a magician’s exam! It is loaded with trick questions.

2. Sign in a Podiatrist’s Office; Time Wounds all Heels

3. Sign at a Towing Company; We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

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1. Sign in a Veterinarian’s waiting room: Back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!

2. Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.

3. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

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1. Sign on an Optometrist’s Office: If you don’t see what your looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

2. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

3. A pastor ordered 50 mice, 2000 ants, and few cockroaches. The clerk asked why he wanted these items? I’m transferring and the Trustees said to leave the parsonage just as I found it.

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1. A snail bought a new sports car with a big red “S” on the side. As he drove around town everyone would say: “Look at that little ‘S’ car go!”

2. Oceans never go out of style. They are always current.

3. Archaeologist: A person whose career is in ruins.

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1. Used to be indecisive, Now I’m not so sure.

2. Is it me, or do Buffalo Wings taste like chick

3. A man was told he got the job. It will pay $12,000 to start and $20,000 after 6 months. Excellent, replied the man. I’ll be back in 6 months.

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1. The dentist of the year got a little plaque.

2. How do you know the Invisible Man has no children? Because he’s not apparent.

3. No one could find the deck of cards. They got lost in the shuffle.

4. Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.

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1. How do you fix a broken tuba? .......... With a tuba glue.

2. A bicycle can’t stand alone. ............It is two tired.

3. When she saw her first strands of gray hair. ........ She thought she would dye.

4.To write with a broken pencil is,........... pointless.

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A young man was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?’

The usher replied, “Why those are our boys who died in the service.”

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”

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1. When fish are in schools, they sometimes...take debate.

2. With her marriage, she got a new name…….and a dress.

3. When a clock is hungry…...it goes back for seconds.

4. A will is a …..dead giveaway.

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1."The dead batteries were given out free of charge"

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".

3. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The attendant says I'm sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger