Last Week's Results

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Week 16 – Preview

Thu, Aug 9, 2012

Has anyone seen Biscuit?

It looks like Carly has a full social schedule this week, with her 50 Shades of Grey brand Marital Aids side business going gangbangers (or is that gangbusters) and of course, beer, delicious beer. In her absence, please allow me, your trusty league observer, Man D. Ackintire, to step into the fray and preview this week’s WSL matchups

11AM

Last week was hot in New York I hear, and I hear that it may or may not be hot again this week. But it can’t be hotter than the boys and girls in Pink, who have won two games in a row by the score of 7 to 4. That, my friends, is the new hotness, and look for Enid’s to bring this scorched earth policy to their 11AM matchup against the Alzheimer’s & Tourette’s All Stars, who are coming off a tough loss to Reel 2 Reel. Will Gerald hit yet another home run, er triple? Will Stacy fall asleep mid game again? Will EJ hit another walk off? Will Mickey stop smiling? Will another creature from the Alien movies take up residence in DJ’s ankle? Will Jimmy “Two Strikes” throw more than two strikes? Will newcomer Cesar Fisher cheat at the re-running of the 37 Yard Dash? It’s exhausting….this game has more storylines than a “Leave Your Hearing Aid At Home” Ice Cream Social at an old folks home. And, if you try to tell the young people of that, they just won’t listen. I can’t make a prediction here, but if you go to this video you will not only see that chick from Spike Hill’s long lost sister but also, if you pause at 1:06, you may get an idea about who will come out on top in the battle of Pink and Green.

Jesus! Did he use that as a paddle?!

On Field 2, Pete’s looks to turn around a three game losing streak as they face R-Bar in the other morning matchup. R-Bar is looking to climb back to .500 after also dropping the last three and Pete’s is coming off a particularly tough loss to Union Pool. With the help of the Magic 8 Ball, I can predict that Bobby will hit the ball very hard (Signs point to yes) and it will go a long way (It is certain), and that it may or may not be caught (Ask Again Later, Douchemaster General). I also am able to predict that D Lo will have will have painted nails, the sun will rise and that this Bronze medal rowing dude is actually happy that he showed the whole world his junk.

Yamahama!

Also, on the Olympics front, if it comes to it, Alex Morgan can be my second wife. (Side Note: I am offering three jumbo bags of Funyuns and a case of Donkey Donut’s Cream Ale to the first team that beats Spike Hill AND gets me a date with Alex Morgan). The matchup here is the strong defense of Pete’s against the potentially explosive R Bar offense. Actually, now that I look at the stats, I don’t know, but these are two strong teams and I expect a low scoring affair, unlike my upcoming trysts with Alex Morgan, which will be high scoring. Romantically, I mean. Basically, I’m saying we would be together, like man and wife, even before we got married. I think I made my point.

Mystery Woman Seen With Local Crime Boss

1:00 PM

On Field 1, it’s Reel 2 Reel versus the Pourhouse. The ‘house is currently under investigation by the league for Match Fixing, after it was reported that Carly was seen at Fortunato’s accepting a box of cannolis stuffed with cash following the suspicious loss to Sweetwater in week 13. It didn’t help that later that night Leigh Ann, Mitch, Shaun and Todd were seen in the window of a local bar, chanting “Make Money, Make Money, Money” while burning $20s, snorting shots of Goldschläger and spitting up gold flakes on hipsters passing by. Will this be the game that the ‘house finally lets the cat out of the cupboard, the twins out of the Corset, and every player walks to the left side of the plate and shows that the hustle was on all season by smashing bombs onto Driggs? I think Pourhouse keeps up appearances, at least until their first round matchup with Spike Hill, when the odds will provide the biggest payoff at the Foxwoods Sports Book. Reel is still a dangerous team, with Lisk and Sang leading the way, and that other dude that I saw in that Angelina Jolie movie as the president’s aide or something. Expect Lisk to be sporting his usual “Chicks Love The Long Balls” t-shirt and be dialed in on the mound. Also – Carly – call me if you need a butler after the hustle goes down.

On Field 2, it’s Union Pool versus some team called Turkey’s Teachers who seem to be an emerging power in the league and has the exact same colors as R Bar. Seriously, what is up with this league? Everyone is either Black and White or Blue and White. Which is why Pink shall ever reign. Case closed. Teachers has really shown that they are for real, but Union Pool still has some of the best talent in the league, with Winston, Steph, Kelly Leak and Anthony “Big Papi” Pizza on the mound. This will be a nailbiter, so you may want to go buy some of that stuff you put on your nails that makes them taste like ass. That shit is delicious once you get used to it, plus it has the added benefit of helping you tolerate the unfortunate food options you will have to choose from, following the Zombie Apocalypse.

Did you know that someone associated with the league won an Emmy? Brush with greatness!

3:00 PM

Field 1 has Turkey’s Nest versus Three Kings. Nest is coming off a tough loss to Sweetwater last week, when I gather they were missing many of their anchor players. Three Kings comes into the game short the beer and pork rinds they would have won had they knocked off Spike Hill last week. I am Nom Nom Nom-ing those pork rinds as I write this – missed opportunity Kings…. Turkey’s will be back at full strength and looking to close out the season strong. Kings has a nightmare schedule to finish the season, but the best team description on the site… Have you guys read this? Gold, Jerry, Gold! Will Kings put it together this week? They are much more talented than their record this year, but hey, everyone makes the playoffs, so have fun and then have 10 beers and then piss yourself. Jordo and the boys will be ready. I wish I could see this one, but I would feel more out of place than a pair of wool pants at a Hula skirt convention. Mostly, because I suffer from hemorrhoids. It’s just hard to wear wool pants Commando style when that’s the case.

On Field 2, it’s the Brooklyn Loggers versus Mendoza line. Looks like Loggers have restocked, but Mendoza will be steaming after a narrow loss to Clems last week. And Jen plays shortstop now, which is pretty bad ass. Is there anything she can’t do? Heal the sick, play shortstop, and secure the heart of the best player in the league, Mike V., who happens to call the Pink his home (almost a double entendre there – I’ll explain when you are older and your hearing aid is broken – maybe at the Ice Cream Social). Is it even possible to not like Mike V.? Best. Person. Ever. I expect Mike to come up big at 11 AM – I mean here is a guy that did something to his knee and then healed and then came back to Enid’s better stronger and faster. Who else has done that? No one. If Jen’s last name was Pughes and they got married and hyphenated their names, Mike’s initials would be M V P…. that’s creepier than Glenn Beck on a chalkboard, but it makes you think, doesn’t it? Joe and Jay are back for ML, which will make this a tough matchup for Brenner’s crew, but what Mike V. has taught us is that you can be tough and kind… and a great dancer. Don’t mess it up Jen and good luck on Sunday.

O’Malley…is that you??

5:00 PM

Apparently, Sweetwater and Spike Hill have already played their game on Field 1, so who knows what will go on there. Probably O’Malley will be out by the fields with his “Will Recruit For Food” sign, or perhaps his night spot in the seedy section of town with the other sign: “Smell My Feet Now, Ask Me How. No Fatties.” The potentially open field just leaves more room for Clem’s and Betty to hit opposite field bombs all day, every day. The Battleship is coming off of two strong wins, over ML and Pete’s, but Betty is looking like the Betty of old, minus Gerald and Becker, and that chick they used to have that looked like Lenny Kravitz’s drummer. I expect Violet Camarra to be the game changer here, mesmerizing Clem’s with her je ne sai quoi, et tu Brute, post hoc ergo propter hoc charms – it will be like that time you woke up outside naked – man, you had a lot to drink that night. Breeze is still on the mend, but he’ll have his buccaneers ready to rape and pillage, figuratively of course, because while the occasional pillage is ok, rape is not, unless you mean the cabbage, in which case, welcome to flavor country and please feel free to stay a while. Should be a battle…. wish I could be there guys, but these Daisy Duke jean shorts for men (aka “Jorts) aren’t going to wear themselves.