A search warrant was executed by the LAPD’s Internet Crime Against Children Task Force at 8am yesterday morning. Gene Simmons doesn’t appear to be a suspect. But, like, can we all agree to stop looking pictures of naked children? Let’s just all agree to that.

In what historians will later call the “most unsexiest sex tape ever,” a tape featuring KISS bassist Gene Simmons has been leaked online. AVN reports:

The site’s video still show a man who appears to be Simmons – bassist for the rock band KISS and star of the reality TV show “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” – having sex with a woman identified as an Austrian babe named “Elsa,” a spokesmodel for Frank’s Energy Drink. Simmons reportedly endorses the drink. Photos on the site promoting the sex video show the couple going at it in several positions, with Simmons keeping his shirt on and Elsa wearing lingerie. The video is available for a $9.95 one-day trial; a monthly subscription costs $29.95.”

Is there a rule somewhere that I don’t know about that says only hideous famous people can make sex tapes? I mean, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman are promoting some movie nobody wants to see, so they should make a tape. In exchange, I’ll go see their other movie. Seriously, I need to be able to comparatively celebrity sex tape shop. Because I don’t feel paying $9.95 to watch some 58 year old dude with his pants around his ankles pay some Austrian whore to fuck him is getting the most out of my porn dollar. It’s not like my mom gives me allowance twice a month, you know.