Noah's Ark - 1999

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are
destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a
flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said
Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have
the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw
that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!"
begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to
get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans
didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got
into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the
Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince
the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and
still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of
Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a
globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to
hire.

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes
by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing
them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at
least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government
already has!"