Starring Christopher Lloyd as kooky scientist, Gary Busey as crazy guy who eats piranhas, Ving Rhames as black guy with guns for legs, and David Hasselhoff as David Hasselhoff, the trailer for Piranha 3DD appears below. The big question coming into this was whether the franchise would be able to soldier on without original director Alexander Aja under replacement John Gulager. The entire trailer consists of women getting either water or fish shot at their boobs, butt, and vaginas, so it looks like fears were unfounded. Unless you’re a vagina, in which case, be very afraid.

A lot of it is also shot from this “vag-cam” perspective, so assuming your local theater is equipped with the latest in 3D technology, you should be able to actually see the actresses ovulating. …What? Don’t tell me that’s not sexy, it’s a biological imperative.

Well, this movie is typical of what you see in this cuntry. People just can’t get emuff of tits and ass, to hell with good writing and acting. Even though it’s a little fishy, it will probably destroy the box… office.

Oh, I get it now. The piranha are metaphorical sperm that launch themselves at women’s faces, behinds, and breasts. The washed up actors each are different representatives of the males psyche that prevent men from hooking up with women. Each are types of confidence shatterers that impede the process of seduction, i.e. scientist -brain overthinking, Busey-financial impropriety, rhames-overt machoism, hasselhoff-drinking. The whole concept represents how everyman must fight himself, a classic id vs. Super ego matchup. Gulager must have been chosen for his Freudian interpretation of the contemporary fractured male that he explored in his last series The Feast. Either that or he likes tits.

I think I’ll save my money and get the same experience by sitting near the piranha exhibit at the free aquarium and looking at a Playboy. At least until people start thinking I’m a real life Troy McClure.