Yom Kippur: The Blessing of Failure

Recognizing our shortcomings is the only way to achieve success in life.

That was the tantalizing title of the lead story in the New York Times Sunday magazine a few weeks ago. The article makes us rethink an attitude that has become culturally accepted as unquestioned truth, and more profoundly, its conclusions encourage us to acknowledge the wisdom of Jewish tradition and the insights it asks us to emphasize in our observance of Yom Kippur.

Over and over again we repeat the words, "I have sinned." We recognize that in many ways we "missed the mark," the literal translation of the Hebrew word for sin. We admit we weren't perfect. If we were to be graded by God for our actions during the past year, we confess that in some areas we deserve an F.

And yet whoever heard of a mark like that in our contemporary culture?

For decades now parents have been told by many ostensible experts that all they are permitted to do in rearing children is to praise them. Criticism is always destructive of self-esteem, and self-esteem is the highest value we must pass on to our progeny. Make them feel good about themselves; that way they will feel happy and self contented. Don't ever burden them with the verdict that they have failed to fulfill any objective. Don't ever crush their spirits by telling them they could've done better. Rewards, not criticism or punishments, are what children need to become responsible adults.

The teaching profession, too, was slowly drawn into this philosophy of "praise at all costs" without any reminders of failure. Grade inflation turned everyone into a scholar, because "he tried his best and he might feel bad if he didn't get an excellent mark." Valedictorians were eliminated in many schools because those who didn't earn the honor felt the loss of self-esteem, and it just didn't seem right to acknowledge that some weren't as perfect as others. More liberal schools eliminated competitive sports - or if they had them, rejected keeping score - so that nobody would ever have to admit to being a loser.

We need to acknowledge our weaknesses and failings if we are ever to improve and become what we are capable of becoming.

But what if the real secret to success is failure?

What if we need to keep score in our own lives and to acknowledge our errors, our weaknesses, and our failings if we are ever to improve and become what we are capable of becoming?

The New York Times article is an eye-opener because it forces us to confront what previous generations knew and we chose to forget: Recognizing our shortcomings is the only way to achieve success in life.

Paul Tough, the author of the essay (the appropriateness of his last name is stunningly obvious), concludes his lengthy analysis with this observation:

Most Riverdale students can see before them a clear path to a certain type of success. They’ll go to college, they’ll graduate, they’ll get well-paying jobs — and if they fall along the way, their families will almost certainly catch them, often well into their 20s or even 30s, if necessary. But despite their many advantages, Randolph [the headmaster of this exclusive and very wealthy school] isn’t yet convinced that the education they currently receive at Riverdale, or the support they receive at home, will provide them with the skills to negotiate the path toward the deeper success that Seligman and Peterson hold up as the ultimate product of good character: a happy, meaningful, productive life. Randolph wants his students to succeed, of course — it’s just that he believes that in order to do so, they first need to learn how to fail.

To learn how to fail is nothing less than a succinct five word summary of the Yom Kippur confessional. It requires us to be mature enough to face up to the personal failings which well-meaning parents, teachers and friends tried to shield us from recognizing. It asks us to admit we’re not perfect precisely because we’re willing to take on the challenge of perfecting ourselves.

On Yom Kippur we have to define ourselves in light of a concept that Benjamin Barber, a political scientist at Rutgers University, believes is an ultimate truth about human behavior. We love to categorize people, usually by labeling them by one of two distinctly different characteristics. People are skinny or fat, introverted or extroverted, optimists or pessimists, serious or funny. All of these lead to stereotyping and to generalizations that aren’t completely accurate. But there is one division of people that Barber claims is the most crucial and correct way to differentiate between them. He says:

I don’t divide the world into the weak and the strong, or the successes and the failures, those who make it or those who don’t. I divide the world into learners and non-learners - those who acknowledge their failures, learn from them, and move forward as opposed to those who can't admit ever having done anything wrong, never learn from their mistakes, and doom themselves to reliving the errors of their ways.

That's why on Yom Kippur, when we’re asked to reflect upon whether our lives can be considered a success, we’re judged by whether we’re courageous enough to confess our sins and to admit our failures.

To acknowledge, to God and to ourselves, where we've gone wrong in our lives doesn't diminish us. On the contrary, it affords us the wisdom and strength to grow and to improve.

S. I. Hayakawa, former U.S. senator from California and a specialist in semantics, alerted us to an all-important distinction between two English words that most of us assume are identical: “Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, `I have failed three times,’ and what happens when he says, `I am a failure.’” To think of yourself as a failure is to create a perpetual self-image as a loser. But if you learn from your experience, if your failure inspires you to surpass yourself and to do it better next time, if you understand that failure is merely a momentary event but doesn't define you—then you are an alumnus of the best school in the world, and your failure was the tuition you paid for your eventual success.

On Yom Kippur we evaluate ourselves. On Yom Kippur we are critical of our failings. On Yom Kippur we don't deny our sins - we build on their memory for spiritual growth.

On Yom Kippur we realize the truth that failure - acknowledging it, learning from it, and rising from it - is really the secret of success.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, a frequent contributor to Aish, is a Professor of Talmud at Yeshiva University and an internationally recognized educator, religious leader, and lecturer. He is the author of 19 highly acclaimed books with combined sales of over a half million copies, A much sought after speaker, he is available as scholar in residence in your community. See his website at rabbibenjaminblech.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 15

(14)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2017 9:22 PM

Sometimes we learn more from our failures than our successes

Re:Criticism. I once had a supervisor who came down hard on me for making a certain mistake. She was stern, but did NOT resort to name calling. She told me I needed to listen to the criticism so I would learn and grow. I never forgot that lesson and never forgot her. We all need CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. If it turns into name calling, then nobody benefits. (Sadly, there are parents/bosses/teachers who see nothing wrong with the latter method.) May you be sealed in the book of life.

(13)
Aznatanyh Yakovee,
October 10, 2011 8:59 PM

The failure of human nature is the victory of divine nature!

Thank you so much for this inspiring article on the blessings of failure Rabbi Blech. I had an amazing Yom Kippur this year based on this understanding and have written a brief summary of my reflections on my blog at https://lucidtmedia.com/journal/?p=1148. I hope you enjoy and would love to hear comments either publicly or in private from anyone.

(12)
Joe,
October 8, 2011 4:45 AM

I went to school with Paul Tough. We both had a teacher named Dr. Montgomery, whose grading sometimes included the score "0". He, like me, probably still remembers the injunction to "learn to take zero like a man."
He would draw a perfect circle, freehand, while he said this. So it was pretty memorable.
This Yom Kippur, resolve to "learn to take zero like man." :-)

(11)
Gal Nagar,
October 6, 2011 5:28 PM

I wish

Dear Rabi,
I wish the Education System will embrace your candid idea, which was rather obvious to the previous generation (as you mentioned).
Gal Nagar

(10)
Sydney Parlow,,
October 6, 2011 8:20 AM

"If you always do what you have always done you will always get what have always gotten"

(9)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2011 3:42 PM

Of course we have to acknowledge our failings and learn from them, but if we focus entirely on that, we won't have the strength to grow. We also need to acknowledge our strengths and use them as building blocks. G-d gave us strengths, and to not acknowledge them and use them is just as bad as not acknowledging your failings.

(8)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2011 12:44 AM

I so honor your wisdom, Rabbi Blech...

and I passed your words onto my two daughters to guide them and help them my grandkids, most importantly :)
Your simple words have the most phenomennal depth...incredible.
Larry (Raquel's ex-guy)
Please add me to your lists. I found this via AISH.

(7)
aaron rappaport,
October 3, 2011 8:08 PM

getting some credit for the succeses we do

Two points-
One - I have heard Rabbi after Rabbi & article after article talk about " we sinned & we need to ask G-d's firegiveness or we can do better."
Where do we get any credit for the successes or good things we have done in life? Or, is it all failure? If it is so, i.e that it is failure - no matter how well one does or tries to do & you have always have to ask forgiveness, then what is the point? After all, you will most likely fail again (against what standards I do not know!) & again
two - What exactly are the standards are we judged against?

Leah,
October 4, 2011 8:59 AM

reply to Aaron

see some of the other articles on aish.com - e.g. "Partner Track" (video) http://www.aish.com/h/hh/yk/theme/Yom_Kippur_Partner_Track.html
and "Yom Kippur Dare" (article) http://www.aish.com/h/hh/yk/theme/The_Yom_Kippur_Dare.html
G-d doesn't expect perfection, but He does expect us to try to improve from year to year. yes, we can be proud of our past accomplishments, and at the same time realize that there is room for improvement. a commonly-used analogy is "steps on a ladder". all of us are neither at the top of the ladder or the bottom, but somewhere in the middle; and the important thing is which way we are going. are we staying in one place, proud that we are not at the bottom? or do we realize that there are things we can do better?
and yes, some rabbis do emphasize the negative side, but only because a lot of people become smug about their past accomplishments and feel that they are "doing enough". *everyone* has room for improvement, and that is the point of Rabbi Blech's article.
personally, on Yom Kippur I try to concentrate on a specific, doable improvement that I feel I can handle. I know that if I look at *all* the ways I have fallen short, I will just feel overwhelmed and not know where to begin. but if I choose one or a few mitzvahs that I will start doing, or will try to do better, that is doable. and each year I can feel a sense of accomplishment in what I have done so far; it gives me strength for the additional step up that I will aim for next year. my steps up are not the whole ladder at once (that's practically impossible) but "slow and steady".

(6)
Devora,
October 3, 2011 3:46 PM

Thank you for this

I live in Europe for several years. Europeans raise their children in a way that prepares them for the challenges of the real worl. They expect their children to take critisism, to klnow proper table manners, to respect adults and not interupt them, to speak with their "indoor" voice when in a public restaurant & to behave in a way that doesn't embaress their parents or elders. Americans can learn a lot from them about raising kids. Kids need to lear to compete in the real world. If they never know failure, how will they know success? Feedback is essential to all of us. Without that & major dose of humility, the ego will run amok & lead us astray. When that happens, we look for who to blame rather than taking personal responsibility. "pass the buck" is the all American passtime. Its time to stop that nonsense.

(5)
martha,
October 3, 2011 12:33 PM

Thank you Rabbi Blech.!

(4)
Denise,
October 2, 2011 11:23 PM

Excellent article

I think that life is tougher now for our kids than it was when we graduated and went into the world of work. Far better that we prepare them to meet these challenges with some guidance along with the praise. An excellent article before Yom Kippur and applicable to myself too. I learnt this weekend that I thought I own up to my character flaws but there are some I missed!

(3)
Larry Snider,
October 2, 2011 9:47 PM

Learning from our failures

A very valuable article combining honest self-examination and analysis and the will to accept failure as a step on the road to success. Thank you Rabbi Blech.

(2)
Yosef,
October 2, 2011 5:41 PM

Thank You!

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes.........

(1)
Anonymous,
October 2, 2011 1:22 PM

Thank you!

Thought provoking, and well written article. Sure to boost my repentance and uplift my Yom Kippur.