A Reason to Smile

Q&A: The married man and the 34 year old virgin

“I am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. In dating, I have yet to trust anyone enough to take that from me. A long-time friend I trust has watched me struggle over the years, and offered a “virginity pact” – moral problem: he’s married”

We talked about this one in a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: Getting people to listen to and *like* you! Why the Secret doesn’t work for some people, a 34 year old virgin, How to know if someone is ‘the one’, why we obsess about celebrities, wealth, fame, and more!
However, there is a lot more to say about this particular question. Let’s start by breaking this one down into pieces:

You are 34.

You believe you are one of the ‘oldest living’ virgins, aka you are too old to still be a virgin.

You have dated in the past.

But, you have yet to ‘trust’ anyone enough to take your virginity.

You are capable of trusting at least one guy (the ‘long time friend’).

You have ‘struggled’ over the years with this.

The friend offered you a ‘virginity pact’, aka he’d sleep with you if you were still a virgin past X point…a point you are probably at or past.

He is married.

You are aware that that is a ‘moral problem’, but still considering it…or you wouldn’t have submitted this question.

Based on your comment about not ‘trusting’ a guy enough to ‘take’ your virginity…not a man to give it to, or share it with…but TAKE it, it would seem like you have significant issues connecting with men emotionally.

This type of emotional disconnect usually stems from one main source: physical abuse.Sometimes massive emotional abuse can cause it, but an inability/unwillingness to be physically intimate usually comes from a history of unwilling intimacy in the past, usually by a trusted male like a father, brother, or close family friend. Of course, a person can choose to remain a virgin for religious reasons, but considering that wasn’t included in the question (and you are contemplating sleeping with a married man), that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

My advice to you: first and foremost, resolve your pain from the past.
Whatever happened before now, be it abuse, dad not being around, or all of the above, is clouding your ability to be available in the present moment. And it’s clear that you don’t want to keep ‘struggling’ with this, so now is a good time to put this burden down before you waste any more years of your life.

Even if his wife is seemingly OK with it, it does not matter. You have 30+ years of pain and baggage connected to your sexuality; if you are looking for a deeper emotional intimacy, a married man can’t give it to you. Trying to get it from him will only compromise one of your few “healthy” relationships with a man, and ultimately drive you further from an actual healthy, loving relationship. After all, you already have trust issues; why would you get involved with someone untrustworthy enough to cheat on his wife?

Instead, spend this time and effort getting to the bottom of what is stopping you from being open, available, and even vulnerable in your intimate relationships; once you are able to truly love yourself, you’ll be able to create the space to let someone else love you. The alternative is the worst thing possible: nothing.

An Eclipse, an Equinox, and a Super Moon, oh my!Friday, March 20, 2015 will mark a very powerful alignment of energies that will burn you up if you’re not careful, or propel you like a rocket if you make use of them!
Three major events are taking place, with several other events happening in the background. First, it’s the Spring Equinox

Are you growing, or just growing older?“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor

How to feel happy, and be at peace“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
In my Coaching work, a question that comes up

How to motivate yourself…finally!“It's a New Year and with it comes a fresh opportunity to shape our world.
So this is my wish, a wish for me as much as it is a wish for you: in the world to come, let us be brave – let us walk into the dark without fear, and step into the unknown with smiles on our faces, even if we're fakin

Racism and the Law of Attraction (Video)“I love America more than any other country in the world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”
-James Baldwin
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About B. Dave Walters

You are great, and I love you!

B. Dave Walters is like a mix between Joel Osteen, Tony Robbins, and the Old Spice Guy.

He is the winner of the "Be the Next Beleifnet Featured Blogger" contest for Beliefnet.com in the Hope & Inspiration category.

He is also the host of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters on Party 93.4 FM out of Hudson Valley, New York, as well as a nationally syndicated columnist on the topics of spirituality and relationships for the Examiner.com.

He is the author of one book, "49 Lost Secrets of Peace, Love, and Money". Read More