Tom Cruise Found A New Carbon-Based Lover

Tom Cruise brought a date to Jerry Bruckheimer’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday because what’s the point of an all-powerful, galactic space church if it can’t force its slave women to pretend to be your girlfriend? More importantly, this one’s shorter than Tom Cruise which means Scientology found a way to kidnap characters out of childrens’ books. Be brave, Thumbelina, the Mouse Guard is on the move.