Friday, January 20, 2012

What January 20th Means To Me: Childhood Dreams

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a writer. And ahhhhh...I actually have proof!

When my buddy Clinton and I were in the 4th grade, we didn't just waste time playing video games, we spent entire nights giving Tom Clancy a run for his money writing "suspenseful" crime stories (until his parents told us to go to sleep). In those days, we spent numerous hours at the typewriter (ugh, I'm old) crafting "police" stories that I think were influenced by the old computer games, Police Quest and Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego. The series of stories involves Clinton and I as policemen (imagine that?), chasing a drug cartel all over the world in an effort to rid the planet of whatever special drug they created that week. We really thought these short, one-page stories were awesome and would grace the small Barnes and Noble bookshelves at the local mall (remember when Barnes and Noble had small shops? Again, I'm dating myself.)

Anyway, thankfully, we never trashed these, and while looking through my closet last night, I found the thirteen stories we wrote way back when we were just innocent optimists, and figured I'd share one with you (numbered footnotes below). You know, for some Friday lulz. So hold on tight, because the following, Story 13, is one compelling read (I corrected the spelling mistakes so it's not too painful...unfortunately, I can't re-create the tremendously odd spacing errors that are unique to typewriters ). Here we go:

THE HYPNOTIC HYPOCRITES (T)

Festya and Brett. We are police, and we're back(1). People have been hypnotized by a gas called cornucopia(2). The gang, Samooroos, have been controlling this gas. People who are hypnotized have been rampaging the city with killing, robbing, and vandalizing(3). So Festya and Brett were on the case. We saw a person being hypnotized, so we went to check it out. We started to(4) get hypnotized, but luckily there was a shootout nearby and a bullet hit a waterpipe(5). Water splashed on us and we were saved. We went back to the station and got gas masks and a homing device to find the source of the gas. We followed the trace to an abandoned warehouse where we expected to find Samooroos. We made a raid and found no one in sight. We searched for clues and found a spare travel pass (6) to Flingenflurgen, Norway (7), so we went there because thats where the gas was made (8). We were walking to pick up Sniffer at the Tucus Kennel (9). When we got there, the man showed us Sniffer and Sniffer bit Festya. Festya said, why did he bite me? The guy said all the dogs are acting like this. We took him to the vet. He said poisonous gas is in Sniffer and we were mad (10).

We left Sniffer at the hospital. We tried to find the place where the gas is made. We went in to a diner to try to find information (11). We found out they were somewhere in Norway and they were not getting out until they were all hypnotized.

Festya ate something and broke his tooth, so we had to go to the dentist (12). When we got there, we waited in the waiting room and the song playing was we love we share we love and share so much the itchy and scratchy show (13). We knew they were there (14). Brett said, I'll wait at the door and when they try to inject the gas, yell. So he got in there and when they tried to inject the gas, Festya yelled and Brett jumped on him and pulled an arrest (15). He was part of the gang. He said his name was Coopa and the gang was using the gas in Snoop, Russia (16). We flew over there (17) and at the airport was a gang member and we chased him all over the airport and finally caught him. He said he was in charge of the gas with Coopa.

We flew back to Norway to see how Sniffer was doing. The doctor said he was all better. We flew home, locked them up, and got 7,000,000,000,000 dollars (18). We were ready for more. (19)

The End

TITLE - I don't think we knew what "hypocrite" meant, but we sure liked the word.
1 - Not sure where we escaped to, but I guess we were back.
2 - Cornucopia. I actually remember exactly where and when we learned this word. We were on a winter field trip to some colonial village area, and we had to perform a play we had been rehearsing for weeks. I was the lighting guy, which just consisted of flipping an A, B, and C switch (and if I recall, none of it was necessary, but I liked playing with the mechanism). All I remember about the play was Colleen Fitzgerald belting out the line, "YOUUUU ARE A BUFFFFOOOOOON!" Tons of lulz. Whether rehearsal or showtime. Lulz. We all knew it was coming, didn't matter, lulz were had. Well done, Colleen. Anyway, afterwards, we made paper cornucopias. I guess we liked the word.
3 - That's a lot of action. Maybe we can sell this to Universal.
4- This is a bad writing habit I STILL have. Sometimes I'll write that I'm "starting to" do something instead of just, I dunno, doing it.
5 - Dangerous town we were from, apparently!
6 - Spare travel pass? I.... <shrug> Lelu Dallas Multi Pass.
7 - Hey! I was writing stories about Scandinavia way back then! How bout that!
8 - Fucking Scandinavians. I guess I never learned.
9 - A few things: Sniffer was a crime dog who appeared in some of the stories. "Tucus Kennel" I'm SURE made us laugh and laugh and laugh, which would have made Clinton's nostrils flare and flare and flare ("Tuchus" means "ass" in Yiddish). But why was Sniffer chillin' in Norway? Your guess is as good as mine.
10- Fuck yeah, we were.
11 - Diners in Norway. The go-to source for information about criminal activity. If they exist.
12- Kind of an unfortunate thing to happen while doing important police work. But hey.
13 - We were Simpsons fans and...eehhh, its a long story. And we weren't very funny.
14 - Well, where else would Norwegian criminals hang out .... other then the Dentist?
15 - That just makes no sense. I don't even get the method at all. At least I was the hero this time 'round, but very disappointed in how we cheated the reader out of an exciting climactic moment. I'm sorry, truly.
16 - And this is BEFORE "The Chronic" was released. Also, this was written towards the end of the Cold War. Everything was always Russia's fault.
17 - This is one expensive police mission for local cops.
18 - No clue why we figured cops made money off arrests.
19 - Duh.

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This is going to be worth nothing some day.

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I know what you're thinking ....

Concise, beautiful storytelling. I should have opened a Paypal account so I could charge you for that entertainment. Shakespeare couldn't have done it any better.