Robert Kessler

For decades we have been trapped by America's tyrannical "Five Second Rule," which mandates that all food be marinated on the floor for a full five seconds before it can be consumed. But not a second more! At long last, that rule has been tested.

A study by San Diego State University researchers (funded by Clorox) has disproven the popular phrase, determining bacteria can attach itself to food in less than five seconds. So put down that errant cookie crumb, that old piece of gum you found under the table, that last chip you found in the couch cushions; they are covered in tiny microbes and have been from the second they arrived at their destination.

Also untrue: "step on a crack, break your mother's back." Even if a child possessed magical abilities, it would be years before the child had honed his/her powers enough to inflict bodily harm, as we learned from J.K. Rowling's autobiographical Harry Potter series.