Monty Python Scripts

Merchant Banker

The cast:

CITY GENT

John Cleese

MR. FORD

Terry Jones

The sketch:

(Cut to a city gent in his office. A sign on his desk says a 'Charman
Knebter'. He is waiting to answer hit phone. It rings; he answers.)

City Gent: Hello? Ah, Mr. Victim, I'm glad to say that
I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require. Yes, of
course we will want as security the deeds of your house, of your
aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents'
house, and of your grannie's bungalow, and we will in addition need
a controlling interest in your new company, unrestricted access to
your private bank account, the deposit in our vaults of your three
children as hostages and a full legal indemnity against any acts of
embezzlement carried out against you by any members of our staff
during the normal course of their duties... no, I'm afraid we
couldn't accept your dog instead of your youngest child, we would
like to suggest a brand new scheme of ours under which 51% of both
your dog and your wife pass to us in the event of your suffering a
serious accident. Fine. No, not at all, nice to do business with
you. (puts the phone down, speaks on intercom) Miss Godfrey,
could you send in Mr. Ford please. (to himself) Now where's
that dictionary. ah yes - here we are, inner life... inner life ...
(a knock on the door) Come in. (Mr. Ford enters, he is
collecting for charity with a tin) Ah, Mr. Ford isn't it?

Mr. Ford: That's right.

City Gent: How do you do. I'm a merchant banker.

Mr. Ford: How do you do Mr...

City Gent: Er... I forget my name for the moment but I am
a merchant banker.

Mr. Ford: Oh. I wondered whether you'd like to contribute
to the orphan's home. (he rattles the tin)

City Gent: Well I don't want to show my hand too early,
but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to get into
orphans, you know, developing market and all that... what son of sum
did you have in mind?

Mr. Ford: Well... er... you're a rich man.

City Gent: Yes, I am. Yes. Yes, very very rich. Quite
phenomenally wealthy. Yes, I do own the most startling quantifies of
cash. Yes, quite right... you're rather a smart young lad aren't
you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the pantomime horse.
Very smart.

City Gent: Must be sick. I don't suppose you could give me
a list of their names and addresses could you?

Mr. Ford: No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.

City Gent: Good lord! That's the most exciting new idea
I've heard in years! It's so simple it's brilliant! Well, if that
idea of yours isn't worth a pound I'd like to know what is. (he
takes the tin from Ford)

Mr. Ford: Oh, thank you, sir.

City Gent: The only trouble is, you gave me the idea
before I'd given you the pound. And that's not good business.

Mr. Ford: Isn't it?

City Gent: No, I'm afraid it isn't. So, um, off you go.
(he pulls a lever opening a trap door under Ford's feet and Ford
falls through with a yelp) Nice to do business with you.