Birthday Shenanigans

First of all, happy fucking birthday to me. September 25th I celebrated 10 years of being 21. Cheers! I have blisters on my feet from the previous night’s Pirate Pub Crawl… but I wasn’t dressed for them. There was a formal military function at an event hall smack dab in the middle of the pub crawl. So I did what any self-respecting lady would do- I dressed up in an inflatable shark costume and circled the venue humming the JAWS theme to myself waiting for an unchaperoned service member to stumble out like Bambi in the woods. Hands down, I had the best costume of the night. Rocking an asymmetrical skirt and matching grey heels for my Great White realness. Maybe someone fed me mushrooms. Maybe I was having a blasty-blast in the costume all by myself and completely forgot my mission to sew some wild oats. Let’s rewind to earlier that day, before I graced downtown Anchorage with a shark attack.

I’ve had this dude on my Snap Chat for like… several months. Let’s call him Glasses. I think going as far back as last winter. We communicated on an app called Whisper, hit it off, and that was that. He sends me pics every once in a while- nice body, lovely face, thick glasses, doesn’t chat much. We never got around to meeting up, I gave up months ago. That’s fine, we can be flirt friends. He does this thing where he never sends me dick pics or pesters me for nudes, so I am forever willing to keep communicating with him. One time he messaged me “what’s up” at a very late hour, so I sent him a pic of the hard dick sitting next to me playing Halo. He sent me a pic of his gf sucking his cock- she was in on it. Touché. They wanted a threesome deal… not my gig, couples just don’t have the right vibe for me sexually- like, I don’t want to be your accessory, I’m the main-fucking-attraction in my sex life. You do you, boo! I am always happy to accept shirtless pics from beautiful men-folk, and he sends them fairly frequently. I feel like I’ve been involved in more of his showers than the drain. We’d established a bit ago that he and the gf are no more, so I’m once more interested in seeing him one-on-one. The day before, he hits me up and I ask if he’s available to play. He wasn’t, but mentioned he would be able to the next day. True to his word, he hit me up around that time. I gave him my address, and half-assed getting ready in case he blew me off or cancelled last-minute. He arrived without haste and I wasted no time leading him to my bedroom. God damn his lenses are thick, why is that so hot… my fetish for nerds is getting deeper and weirder; next I’ll get wet about pocket protectors, protractors, and calculator watches. Sweet Jesus I can’t even imagine how aroused I’d get if I met a man wearing braces like mine… we could lisp together. *Shiver* His glasses are so strong if you put them on you can see into the future; I know this because I put them on. He commented that my prescription is also unusual. I’M READY, TAKE ME NOW. We hop up and cuddle up close, his hand immediately between my thighs on top of my panties massaging my lady bits. We’re making out, he’s fun to kiss. He tries to slip his hand under them, but I think it’s time to just take them off. Straight away he finds the piercing and touches my clit gently. I am… more than excited.

He brings me to climax twice, maybe three times. Every time I cum he whispers “that’s so hot…” I might’ve been wrapping myself around him like a big, slutty octopus. I can’t help it, when I orgasm I tend to cling to the source tighter than a 12-year-old. We’ve maintained sucking face this entire time. He positions his face between my thighs and I am so, so ready to cum in his mouth. He’s gentle but thorough. Flicking his tongue on my piercing, the tip of my clitoris, even going so far as to push my legs up and lick my asshole. I am LOSING MY MIND. So far everything he’s doing is textbook perfect. He’s sucking and rolling his tongue on me just right, while also using his fingers to give me that deep stimulation I love so much. I came very hard. Fingers running through his hair, gripping tightly, I can feel my thighs closing around his head but I can’t stop the domino effect. He comes up and I pull him to me to taste myself on his mouth. He’s so perfect. I must have him, and I must have him now. I whisper “fuck me,” and he takes his pants off while I grab a condom and remove the rest of my clothes. I ask him to tear the packaging, he obliges with a smirk. I roll it on, it’s go time.

He’s on top and his size is perfect. When did our glasses come off? Who cares, I can’t see. I find myself purring in his ear what a good boy he is; his stroke is perfect, he moves my legs around, he brings my feet up and… what’s this? Oh lord. My toes are in his mouth. It tickles so good, and I love how he’s fucking me while stimulating my extra-sensitive tootsies. I gasp out something to the effect of OH MY GOD and he asks if it’s OK what he’s doing. YES. YES IT IS. HOW COULD YOU KNOW THIS WAS OK!? I come back down to Earth as he lets my feet go. The condom is creating some problems with him staying fully erect but we’re working through it. At one point I demand he get on his back, peel it off him, and gift him my handy-dandy two-handed HJ. He’s barely holding on while I’m stroking him with my lubed up hands- white knuckles gripping my bedding up, writhing, whispering expletives. I add my mouth and it’s all over. Position-wise he’s best on top, but good hitting it from behind, which is how we finished the first time. It’s easier to cum when you’re not looking directly into my O face. Me being on top doesn’t work out because he has a hard time staying hard on his back… or I was crushing him to death. Whatever, he likes fat girls. Let me be yo Moped, baby! Between the second round I play with him again, and he stops me to ask if he can fuck me some more. Yes. Yes you can. We finish with him on top this time. I want his mouth on mine when he climaxes.

We ended up going two rounds before he had to leave for work, and he confesses he reads my blog when I post a new entry on Snap Chat. No wonder he knows all my buttons. He also mentions he was skeptical of my double-handed HJ/ oral ability (I’ve heard that before,) but no more. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Everybody has a set of skills! Mine just happen to be orgasm related, and running out the statute of limitations. Since SweetPea moved away to Georgia I have his power tower in my room, and of course it is placed directly at the foot of my bed… Glasses happily did pull-ups for my amusement in various stages of undress. We giggle that we should get weird all over this thing. Yeah, hang from the top bar and I’ll put your dick in my mouth. Whateva. I did get a laugh he feared I would be the kind of kinky in bed that I am so clearly not- that I’d be screaming ‘call me a slut, spit in my mouth, choke me!’ Etc. We’re both turned off by humiliation and degradation; suffice to say, we’re pretty compatible. I like how he grunts while he cums, so primal.

That night I went to a Filipino birthday celebration, ate weird cake, all the lumpia and pancit, and mentioned my plans to crash the Pirate Pub Crawl. Legs the Lesbian mentioned the military function… so, obviously my plans changed. Not a bad pre-birthday night, am I right? Next day, happy birthday to me! I received positive birthday affirmations from all over the world, in several languages, and it was pretty nifty. QuarterRican took me out to fancy dinner, I got drunk at the gay bar, and rode topless out the sun roof of a Mercedes to the next bar. QuarterRican tells me she wants to fuck me proper for my birthday. Clearly I’m for this. I won’t be picking up any strange on my birthday- the chances are way too high I’ll be disappointed, I will be sticking with a friendly fuck by a familiar. Who better than my hottie with a body that says she takes shits as big as her arm? I dunno about you, but I love when really pretty girls are just… gross. Like, their car is trashed, they’re crude, and maybe they’re too vulgar and loud in public. Swoon. So she wants to put the rubber to me tonight, done deal. Then it hits me- I have a fantasy about fucking in a cemetery and it’s never been fulfilled because I have terrible taste in adventurous partners. I shriek at QuarterRican in a pitch so high maybe only dogs could hear me. When I calm down and repeat myself, she joins in the unintelligible screaming. I love her, she’s a down bitch.

To my house straightaway, we get the dildo of my choosing, a bit of lubricant, and the strap-on harness that QuarterRican prefers- it has a corset style back that is just amazing on her fat ass. Woof. We go to the cemetery of choice, squirrel under the gate, and head to the spot we were hanging out in when I was on LSD and decided to run around naked and roll in the wet grass. What? Anyway, we consummate our fucked up sexual relationship on the wet grass on the empty field side of the graveyard (as in, no I didn’t fuck on somebody’s grave. You’re welcome.) It wasn’t really anything too spectacular honestly- I could feel that tell-tale pressure when she was penetrating me that my blood-moon was nigh. I did get in one good orgasm before I called it quits. My fuckyouterus strikes again. We ended up going back to my house and attempting to dick QuarterRican down with my frozen glass toy she was insistent on taking, after leaving it in the freezer for weeks. She couldn’t take it. It’s big and knobbly! So I strapped on a dick and went for it, but by this time we had retreated into silly giggling idiots and could not get the mood back. God damn it, alcohol. This is why we can’t have nice things. What do? Invite our friends over to hangout, because we’re not done being awesome. I ended up having a total of 4 other people in my bed, while I just hung out in a t-shirt and strap-on. My friends are used to my hijinks. This was par for the course.

Happy. Fucking. Birthday. My 30’s are going to be a god damn ride of a lifetime.

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DD Fnord

I left my cheating spouse September of 2015. In October of that year, I filed for divorce and set out to move on and reclaim my lost libido. I spent 8 years of my 20's faithful to two unfaithful men, I have so much time to make up for! All The Dicks is my journey having sex with whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want. The first person I spent the night with after my husband, reignited the spark and desire I thought I would need counseling to retrieve. The second person I was with sealed the deal. I wasn't broken, I just needed a tune up. This collection of encounters are the ones worth re-telling- I don't write about every sexual encounter I have, and I certainly don't bother with any that were sub-par. The screenshots are my own personal wall of shame, but also my trophies because nobody puts baby in a corner.
View all posts by DD Fnord