The Break Up

He was trying his hardest, but still couldn't commit. How do you know when to call it quits?

Three years ago, I went out with a boy I already knew. We'd met a few years before that, when he dated a friend of mine. He was a great guy. So when someone suggested setting us up years later, I was game.

We dated. He broke my heart.

We had clicked powerfully at the beginning and, just as things seemed to be getting serious a few months later, he took a conversational detour one night: "I have no feelings for you," he informed me.

I felt as though I'd been tossed off a bridge.

Apparently, things had just... shut off.

For three agonizing weeks, I hung it out while he consulted various friends, rabbis, and his kishkes. The final answer - delivered via a friend! - was that he just couldn't. Just couldn't do it.

"How good can he be if he's leaving a body count behind him?"

And then came the explanations from his proxies: He has intimacy issues, he'd shut down weeks before, he couldn't sustain it, he's afraid of commitment.

I hadn't been the only one, I knew. He'd been engaged and broke it off, and, besides the dramatic ups and downs with the friend a few years earlier, hadn't been able to get into serious relationships.

"This isn't about you," a friend who knew him told me. "He shouldn't be dating. He is toxic."

"But he's a really good person," I protested.

"Perhaps," she said, "but how good can he be if he's leaving a body count behind him?"

In the end, we met once more and I told him that he was wonderful and kind and decent and would be a loving husband and father... but that he owed it to himself - not to mention to any women he might date - to work out these nefarious intimacy and commitment issues. And if he didn't, he shouldn't be dating.

I moved on, and I forgave him, and I would think of him only in passing... and without any bitterness at all.

A DATE CUP OF COFFEE?

Flash forward to last year. An email exchange and then a phone call to my office one day, and it was as if I'd spoken to him just the day before. We'd always cracked each other up, always had an easy, fun, simple intimacy... always just liked each other. And, in a moment, it was back and we both commented on it.

"I forgot how funny you are!" I said.

I'd forgotten how much I'd liked him, how much I'd loved him. And I had forgotten how he'd broken my heart.

"I didn't forget how funny you are," he replied.

But I had. I'd forgotten how much I'd liked him, how much I'd loved him. And I had forgotten how he'd broken my heart.

Just as I was thinking that it was too bad we couldn't be just friends, he asked me if I would have a cup of coffee with him.

"A friendly cup of coffee or a date cup of coffee?" I replied, perplexed.

"A date cup of coffee," he said, evenly.

"But why?"

"I never got over you."

"Never got over me?" I laughed. "The last time we spoke, you said you 'had no feelings' for me! Why would this time be any different?"

He explained: He remembered everything I had told him that last time we saw each other, and I had been right. He had had serious problems with intimacy and commitment. He had been seeing a therapist, had worked on them, and now, he said, he felt ready to try. He had support and awareness and motivation.

I laughed - vindication coming three years later. But now that I remembered how crazy I'd been about him, I remembered how I'd been hurt. And I didn't want it to happen again. I wasn't sure. I said no.

I kept saying no for a week or two, until he finally went to see a teacher of mine and - with me anxiously awaiting her more-wise-than-me verdict - convinced her that he was serious, and ready to work. He was in a different place.

And so it began, again.

The connection, the friendship, the fun, the chemistry were all there - but better. He was more emotionally available, more sensitive to my needs, patient with my own fears. For a few months, it just felt good, despite my occasional worries that he'd shut down like he had before. He termed these my "emotional pings" and was supportive and patient and kind each time.

He opened up more than he had before - more, he said, than he'd ever been able to before - and I understood the deeper issues. His fears, the reasons why he had behaved the way he had. He took responsibility for hurting me, for the fact that he ran. He understood my fears, and he was patient with my own imperfections and struggles.

At first, I was afraid to "let go" and trust that the relationship was real; I kept waiting for him to run, but he reassured me with his words and his actions and things were good. I slowly let myself go, let down my guard, believed that this might be, at long last, It. I stopped wondering when he would disappear and I trusted him. I was happy.

We discussed the future in general terms. We spent time with each others' friends.

When people - his friends more forwardly than mine - pressured me about when when when, I laughed them off. I knew he needed to take his time, and I was in no rush. I could wait; he was worth it.

SPACE AND MORE SPACE

But then it began.

It started slowly. A night gone sour, he revealed too much and withdrew. A bump in the road. I thought.

The sourness clung to us somehow. He couldn't let it go, needed space and more space. I tried to give it to him. I tried to ignore my own discomfort, my own fears. I tried to soften my own dramatic responses.

Our dating expanded to include a roving cast of therapists, rabbis, trusted friends, experts - parachuting in to help him explain that he was having trouble communicating, trouble moving ahead.

He learned early that love leads to loss and that letting someone in would lead to pain.

It was a classic case: like me, he comes from a less-than-Brady-esque family, and then he lost his parents at an early age. He learned early that love leads to loss and that letting someone in would lead to pain.

But he was trying. He needed time, space. He needed me to help him work through his fears, his problems.

His therapist explained that letting me in was terrifying because he'd learned too many times that love leads to pain and loss.

But I was already in. And I believed in him. And I believed in us, and I believed - devoutly, more than almost anything I'd believed before - that our imperfections balanced each other out, that our strengths made the other a better person. Never had I felt more acutely the sense of having been made for someone. It wasn't sunshine and roses, but I knew that together, we could build something solid and true.

And so I rode it out as best as I could. As soon as I thought I couldn't take it anymore, he'd reappear - the man I adored, respected, admired - and I'd remember why I was still there.

All The Experts concurred with what I saw: He was working so hard, trying so hard... and I loved him more every day for it.

But then finally the twisting and turning stopped and it happened. Again.

He just couldn't do it. He couldn't move forward. He was sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry...

He kept repeating the word, as if it meant a thing. As if the word could do anything to make me feel whole when I was shattered, when I felt utterly foolish for having waited it out, for believing in him, for giving him chance after chance after chance...

As if there was anything that anyone could say that could ease feeling abandoned by someone who had become my best friend.

GLORIOUS HINDSIGHT

That kind of pain, of course, can be healed only by time. But the secondary pain is the voice whispering constantly in the back of my head that I was a fool, that I put myself in harm's way, that I should have known better.

Could I?

In retrospect, it's easy to go back and point to this and that, all the signs of the eventual ending. But it would be just as easy to point to all the things that gave me - and everyone else - hope.

#1: Clarity about why you're dating From that first phone call, the agenda was on the table: This relationship was about seeing whether we're suitable for marriage.

It was on the table because I had a warning sign: the previously crashed and burned relationship. But he took responsibility for that.

#2: Expressed readiness to get married He acknowledged the problems that had derailed him before, had worked on them, and had support this time. When someone dates and dates and dates, says dating expert Rosie Einhorn, some meaningful change has to happen before he or she can take that step forward. It could be going into therapy, some sort of a psychological breakthrough (an epiphany of sorts), or some galvanizing event – but something has to change. It's nice to think that we're all just waiting for the right person... but chances are that the thing that needs to be set right is within the person who can't move ahead.

#3: A normal progression of feelings
The real warning signs for me started when the gloom descended - when he claimed he couldn't move forward while I was ready to go ahead. There needs to be parity in a relationship. Once either partner feels that the other is significantly ahead, that's a major warning sign - especially if the one lagging behind is one with a history of commitment or related issues.

All relationships have bumps, but there are warning signs when there's a constant tangle of worries about feeling "pressure" (especially when you're not pressuring), a surfeit of inexpressible fears, or some other knot that prevents the normal progression of a relationship. Things don't need to move at break-neck speed, but they do need to move.

Sub #4: Owning your own issues I was being shlepped from therapist to rabbi and back, helping him work on the issues he had that were blocking us. I was only too willing to help him in whatever way I could, to look at how my actions were affecting him, etc. This is a normal part of any relationship. But I should have grasped more clearly that the issue was his, not mine.

A romantic relationship, I realized too late, is too volatile a connection to "try" as a test case. His issues should have been resolved - or at least progressed significantly - before I entered the picture. He should have first "tried" with his friends, his family, his therapist... not his girlfriend. You can't do that sort of work in a relationship where the question of "breaking up" is always on the table. The safety both sides need isn't there. It was a totally unreasonable expectation of himself, and an unfair burden to place on me.

#5: Get a game plan Ultimately, says Rosie Einhorn, in a case like this one, where it's the second time around, the game plan should be very clear: 10 dates, and then a decision (for example). When she suggested that, in retrospect, this would have been a good plan, I immediately knew that it would have been too much pressure. My boyfriend-that-was could never have agreed to it. And therein lies the answer: Could I have predicted the outcome? Perhaps so. It's one thing to not rush a relationship, but knowing from the get-go that minefields surround every possible move indicates that, in fact, he just couldn't do it.

TAKE THE GAMBLE

So now... with all the glorious, clear vision of hindsight, perhaps I could have known. Perhaps I did set myself up to be knocked down once again. But does it matter?

Maybe there's a lesson to be learned, and hopefully I will internalize it - once my wounds have closed over a bit.

For now, I feel as if I gambled and lost. I was given a taste of something so sweet - being with a man so worthy of love and respect, who made me feel like I was a better woman when I was with him - and it was taken away from me for no good reason I can really accept.

About the Author

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 41

(41)
ALMA,
February 11, 2009 7:00 PM

same situation

I was just dumped by a man just like the one you describe. I feel exactly the same way you did. I gambled and lost this time.

(40)
Elana,
January 14, 2007 10:18 PM

It's very simple

My guess is that you hadn't met many guys that you connected with and really liked, and you did have those feelings for him. So naturally, you gave it a try. I've done the same. It's not like there are 10 other great guys in the wings, where you can say this one isn't stable enough but I have so many others to choose from. You're not stupid. It's hard to toss someone aside when you have feelings for him, even if there are red flags, if you don't know that there will be someone else to take his place.

(39)
Lisa,
November 17, 2006 8:10 PM

It happened to me

My guy was less polite about it. But for the 10th time he retreated back to the so called safety of being alone. We have a son. Funny..........he said "If I were a betting man, I would bet on me"He wanted marriage this time around. So he said. He didnt follow thru and now he is gone. I am suprised how much it hurts "again"

(38)
B.Higgins,
October 22, 2006 10:49 AM

Very dramatic....

Don't be silly! Once bitten twice shy!

(37)
Anonymous,
October 13, 2006 5:49 PM

He could not accept getting older

Thanks for the articile. The man that I thought I would marry(I was married once before and never wanted to get married)left me 2x. During the first episode I rode it out. He returned a month later and it was better than ever and my trust returned. Then out of no where, I get a call telling me it was over. That was 1 month ago and I am truly devastated.It was all related to getting older and not being able to accept all that went with that.In all of this, I know now that G-d is protecting me and is preparing me for another. Once I heal, I shall try again.

(36)
Jess,
August 18, 2006 12:00 AM

how do you cope?

I only recently discovered your articles and was blown away by the "In Dating Limbo" one which was so like my own situation. Then I realized it was an old article from 2001 and read all your recent ones. Are these all true? How do you cope with such devastating ends to relationships? I can barely handle one! Keep writing though..your style and ability to capture a feeling in a sentence are remarkable.

(35)
Anonymous,
July 18, 2006 12:00 AM

KEEP IT UP!!!

YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE JADED BY THIS EXPERIENCE WHICH WOULD HAVE OTHERS DESPAIRING. I TRULY FEEL THAT YOU HAVE THE HAPPINESS FOR LIFE IN YOU, REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENED. YOU DID 'GAMBLE' AND YOU'LL 'GAMBLE' AGAIN WITH THE RIGHT ONE IY'H VERY VERY SOON!!!

(34)
ranebow,
July 15, 2006 12:00 AM

You're article is brilliant!!

I just want to say a great big "Thank You" to the author for sharing her heartfelt story. It was so well-written, and the first article I have seen in a long time that really captures the subject of commitment or lack thereof, so well. Her story is almost identical to my own, and it's something that I have been struggling with for a long time. I have printed out her piece, and I plan to re-read it from time to time to help me better cope with my pangs and regrets. This situation and the heartbreak that goes along with it is very real -- it is my hope and wish that she eventually find peace of mind and a wonderful right person for her that will love, honor, cherish and respect her for who she is a very outstanding, giving, carying and loyal person. All good luck and thanks once again!!

(33)
Living in Exile in Philadelphia,
July 12, 2006 12:00 AM

All Relationships are Gambles, But Some Are Really Bad Bets

This is a well-written piece and the author sounds like a wonderful, caring person who definitely deserves better than the treatment she received from this person.

Second-guessing our emotions is easy but the truth is, she should have listened to the friend who reminded her that this man's "goodness" was in question because of the body count he left behind.

All relationships are gambles. Those who have posted comments have lots of suggestions. One can listen to rabbi tapes, pray until the cows come home and read all the advice books on the shelf at Barnes & Noble. But there's no subsitute for common sense when it comes to picking a potential spouse.

The point is, if a guy needs to be dragged into marriage, let someone else drag him. And if he needs a therapist to chaperon him to the chuppah, then maybe that should be treated as a definite warning sign.

We all have issues but that kind of stuff is just asking for trouble. And it's not as if any of this would have gotten better had she actually been able to get him to the chuppah (I guess she's lucky her father didn't have a shotgun handy).

The author definitely deserves better than that and she ought to demand nothing less from any future would-be husbands.

(32)
Alberto.,
July 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Consider yourself lucky that you have saved yourself. The Almighty has blessed you in the hope of finding someone who will really appreciate you. G-d Bless. Amen.

(31)
Anonymous,
July 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Just want to say thank you. I appreciated reading this e-mail about the break up. I recently had a major break up of my own and have yet to fully make sense of it. Maybe ill never make sense of men. Any how... thanks for the enjoyable article.

:)

Jennifer Cohan

(30)
Anonymous,
July 2, 2006 12:00 AM

Is this universal??

I'm so sorry you had to go through the same thing I did. I am still good plutonic friends with the gentleman but there is always that underlying attraction between us. He brags that he is anti-relationship/commitment.
Although painful, you've been given the gift of knowing love & hopefully you will know it again with a better ending.

(29)
Rachel,
June 30, 2006 12:00 AM

isn't easy

I disagree with Nechama. It isn't easy making a decision to marry someone and you cant apply Bais Yaakov dating habits to people who haven't grown up bais Yaakov. In fact the most important requirement is the quality of man - kind, caring considerate, responsible, mature. In the case of the writer, I would beg her not to go anywhere near this chap again. He has wasted her time twice when she could have met Mr yes I- do-want-to- marry you-and-I-dont-need-a-therapist-in -order-to-do-it. She is not his therapist and it is really quite selfish of him to drag her along with his counselling regardless of what difficulties he may have had in his life. I beg beg beg her not to start with him again and to find someone for whom committment to her is not some painful process. Committment IS a hard and terrifying step, it is for life, but it is necessary and actually it is making the decisions that is the worst part. I think I only relaxed at my sheva brachot! Despite the fact that I dont agree with Rose and Sherry on everything, I found their book "In the beginning" vital as a nervous bride! Fears about committment are normal but you do need to commit to really be secure. I hope you dont get messed around like this again and I am sorry if I am harsh on him but I really feel for you. I wish I could come round with the chocolate and sympathetic words.

In terms of flaky men, one or two or my husband and my mutal friends are so flaky that I feel it would be cruelty to any girl to set him on her! Rabbis and shadchans should be alert to the serial committment phobic and whilst realising that whilst not every shidduch ends in a marriage, that there are people who have maturity or committment or flakyness issues and these should be dealt with before letting them loose on some poor creature!

(28)
Sharon,
June 29, 2006 12:00 AM

are you sure you made the right move?

I can understand the fustrations of a man that will not committ but i think the problem like you hinted at stems much deeper. he seems to suffer from anxiety and possibly depression. i have a hard time writing off potentials when they have problems they cannot overcome without long term therapy and/or medication. it is hard to be the supportive one but if its about love what other choice do you have? my husband and i had an on and off relationship for over two years. he had a similar comital problem. i thought he would get over it and come to realize how much he loved me. insead he became hostile and ultimately forced me to break up with him. soon after i got engaged to another guy i had been seeing on and off. when my husband got wind of my engagment he stalked me and promised to committ. we are now married and he is seening a therapist for his anxiety and depression problems. my point is that commital issues are more complicated than they initally may look. it is not about getting over the non comitment but understanding why you are scared/anxious of such things. i wish you all the best on your continued endevors.

(27)
Deborah,
June 28, 2006 12:00 AM

Look Into Yourself

I remember not being able to find the right man. It was a very painful time. Then I heard a tape from my Rabbi which changed me. He said (in one small portion of the tape) that sometimes when H-shem loves someone He does not arrange for them to get married until they discover what it is about themselves that would make married life very difficult for them. This means, H-shem would rather you be single and struggling than married and feuding. I took the advice. I looked inside myself (and found many things) but there was one issue that needed to be worked on- pronto. This does not mean that by the time I met my husband it had disappeared (these issues are ones we work on for a lifetime) but THEY MUST BE ACKNOWLEDGED- and we must start working on them.
A few years into my marriage, I told a friend (who struggled a great deal to find the right person) that no challenge in singlehood compares to the difficulties that one faces- even in a very good marriage. She told me that I was insane. Two or three years after that she got married. She called me a few months later and admitted that I was right.

You seem like a wonderful, caring and loving person. But look deep inside of yourself and find that one issue. It is clear from your article that you see why he is not getting married, but try to find out what H-shem would like from you. Pray for that. H-shem only wants your happiness. Once you discover in which way you need to grow-I am sure your soulmate will find you.

(26)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2006 12:00 AM

my heart went out to you. I hoped it would be a 'happy ending' to your essay, but being almost 60 years old, an idealist, and still naive after a poor marriage of 25 years and now in a wonderful second marriage, I should have known better.
If it is any consolation, You would have been working on his commitment issues throughout your marriage, and he might have 'bolted' eventually anyway. Wishing you the best of luck in finding your true mate. You will. You have such outstanding qualities that you
deserve someone totally committed to you.

(25)
john jimenez,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

great article it really spoke to me

(24)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

a too familiar story

Your experience reminded me of my own with a person, many years ago. I hope that it will enlighten others who believe in a person's "potential" or ability to work through their deep personal issues and inability to commit while in a serious relationship that is not marriage. It is a trap women can fall into easily as we usually aim to please and are willing to overlook what may be fatal character flaws in the name of making a relationship work.
It is not fair, this suffering that you are undergoing, but speaking from experience, it does fade with time.
May Hashem place the one truly deserving of such a loyal and dedicated person as yourself in your path soon. Just be sure that this person is already at one with himself and has most of his issues worked out. sk the real questions that you need to know and get answers that you need to have for your life. As much as we'd like, you cannot believe that change will come about because you are together and help each other, it just doesn't work that way. You have to be able to live with the reality or get out before it gets too serious.
May Hashem give you clarity and hatzlacha. Thank you for your article-it could not have been easy to write but I'm sure it was cathartic.

(23)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Such deep pain you express so well. I went through a similar experience and felt intensly as I read your account. I did get past it and took my lessons as you have. I was given a most wondrous gift...my husband. He is someone I might not have "clicked" with or been "attracted" to before my heartbreak. He was patient and consistant as we dated. Many times during our dating I wished it could have been the "other guy". It took me a while to see him for the wonderful and truely filled with life person that he is. It was just so "different" to be enjoying myself in a relationship without the "excitement" of angst. Now I see I could not have been happier with anyone else. He is so committed to the relationship, nothing is too difficult to overcome...I didn't realize a relationship or marriage could feel so comfortable. The comfort of trust affords awesome pleasures! Thank you for writing such a moving description.

(22)
Jeff,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Well said, Nechama

Since the comments be Nechama ware certain to get "blasted," let me be the first to say "WELL SAID!!"

Nechama hit the nail right on the head--it REALLY is as simple as that!!

Months and months (or years and years) of checking "just to be sure" won't accomplish anything!

(21)
Sammy,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Really heartbreaking

You sound like a wonderful woman, and I am sure that you will get the best guy, and be better for all this experience. G-d bless you.

(20)
Nechama,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

After reading a lot of similar stories it seems to me that a lot of people put the cart before the horse.
They see if they are attracted to each other, then they go out for a long time if they enjoy each other's company, then they check to see if they are good "husband, wife, parent" material, then they take a long time deciding if they are ready for "commitment".
Number 1: Both the man and the woman should really want to get married. The desire to build a beautiful Torah home and to fulfill the mitzvah of having children should precede any dating.
Number 2: Check out as much as possible if your partner has the same ideas that you do about building a home and raising children.
3: After a few dates (not more than 10) Decide if there is enough physical attraction and enjoyment being in each other's company to actually want to live together.
That's it, simple. Oh, and don't forget! PRAY TO HASHEM, POUR YOUR HEART OUT TO HIM.
May Hashem send you the right one very, very soon.

(19)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

been there, done that

Nice to see my own fairly recent personal past with such clarity!
He's a great guy, so much to offer. Everybody adores him! And he wanted to get married. But every time we would have a really intimate conversation, and get really close, it would be followed by poisoned daggers - verbal assaults, indifference to me, no contact, sarcasm, hurtful comments and other various shades of him pulling way back. I finally had enough, but never had the clarity I now have after reading this article.
Thank you.

(18)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

well written article

Kol Hakavod for doing your best and not giving up. I remember too well how in my dating days I would gloss over things that bothered me in a guy (like if he was too cheap to buy me a drink etc.) because as a woman I was so busy trying to make things work. So, even when there are warning signs we sometimes make ourselves overlook them, hoping that, somehow, things will come together.
Don't come down on yourself. You did the best you could with the tools you had. And, let's face it - you really liked him and felt chemistry. It's very hard to discount that.
So, I don't buy into all the advice people give. You just keep doing your best.
I dated for many, many years and had many heartbreaks. I was dumped by one too many guys who had their own "issues". At the time it hurt terribly. When I was finally introduced to my husband at age 31, I found that none of those guys could hold a candle to him. Today, almost 14 years and 5 children later (!!!) I thank God for saving me from myself over and over and over again.
Take heart. Don't ever give up. The real thing is better than you can even imagine. I was always told that if I prayed for the right things God would surely give them to me.

(17)
sarah,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you

I have a friend who could have written this story - thank you for writing what she has been trying to express for weeks... it helps all of us understand things a bit better and will help in the future! sarah

(16)
jf,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

you are brave

i think you were brave to give him a second chance, and i think it was a reasonable thing to do. i'm sorry he wasn't able to do it in the end.

(15)
Beny,
June 26, 2006 12:00 AM

A man's perspective...

As a man, reading this is an eye-opening article...I will not get into the defensive man's point of view; instead, I will congratulate you for your courage and genuine love. Ahava = to give. Some people may tell you that according to halacha or other reasons you shouldn't have given him a second chance; I would tell you from the bottom of my heart that you should NOT regret what you did...you learned, you tried to help someone you loved, and yes, there is pain associated with it, but "no pain, no gain"...If his love for you and his faith were strong enough, he could have been able to overcome his own issues and see the wonderful woman you are. It didn't happen, but you did the best you can and should look up and be happy about it. One day you will meet the right person and remember this incident as a "learning experience"...Many men would love to meet such a brave, giving, and encouraging woman like you. May Hashem illuminate and bless you (and why not, this person you dated as well?).

(14)
Lance Wang,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Lesson is endless. Know Thyself

I like the article and agree that there are always lessons we can learn from the heart breaking experience. I am going through a separation with my wife and I did not see it coming when she proposed the idea. I have been wondering how can two person in the same relationship feel so differently,i.e. I being so oblivious. Maybe it can be explained by general guy-girl differences. But I always believe there are something much deeper that drive the decision. Some could be explained by psychology or even astrology. At the end, it is our Self that needs to be relized and make peace with. Until then, lessons will keep on coming.

(13)
Yudel,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Delivering and Outdoing

Well, that's what I'd call 'delivering on your promise.' You've truly outdone yourself this time around, which is no minor feat. Thanks and keep it up...the writing I mean -- not ch"v the heartbreak. Find yourself the right one already!

I think you are splendidly revealing when you say "Never had I felt more acutely the sense of having been made for someone." Clearly, you're a lucky-making find.

(12)
Irv Levy,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Why stay so long?

You should have known from the signs that it was not going to be. You both lost good souls - it's too bad, but he needed more therapy. That may have never helped either. Try the therapy together if the occasion comes up again. Good Luck!

(11)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

wow seems like u really couldve worked out. i had a similar issue. he didnt have intimate issues but a third party got involved and messed everything up. now two years later, were trying. not letting anyone know! good luck

(10)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Thanks for the article

You sound like a wonderful woman and I know you will make someone a very lucky man. I think you were courageous for giving it a second try and I applaud you for your positive attitude. We should all learn from your attitude.

(9)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

You did the right thing

I personally think that you did the right thing in trying again and I would have done the same. It's rare to find someone who's such a good fit and when you do you want to make sure that you don't have regrets later on for not having tried. There's no crystal ball and sometimes you have to take risks. For every case such as yours, there's another where the people hung in there and it worked out.
Take care and I hope you meet the right one soon.

(8)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

i can relate

ur story is so similar to mine that i'm shocked. i dated a boy for months that brought out the best in me, and i really respected and admired. however, he couldn't commit to a relationship bc he was so insecure about himself. i've been working ever since to move on and build new relationships but it's so hard. i miss him a lot and wish i could continue working out issues with him just like u did with this guy, but i know it will only hurt me more...

(7)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

He just wanted to get the rush of being wanted

When "good catches" say "no" to 100 people they can say "no" to 101 just as easily. Stay away from the ones that need to prove they can get someone more than they need to keep someone. They like the hunt more than the catch. The only person for them is someone exactly as they are. When this man is much older and less attractive, he may settle down. But as long as women can be heartbroken, it will feed his ego and prove his power. I hope others can learn from the costly mistake of this writer. I think the writer's last two lines indicates that she has not. It is not about gambling. That is a bad thing. It is about seeing the situation for what it is not what we believe it might become if only we put our mind to it. It is about facing reality. Gambling is a waste of time and emotion.

(6)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Men and women different bugs

It is not sometimes that women wish men thinking and feeling like women. ?

We are different types of bugs!

(5)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Don't give up, but take a break!

It starts with him not trusting himself. How can he trust others? But first and foremost he doesn't trust Hashem. Which is the root cause of his problem. It's that simple.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

a lesson for all who are dating

BS"D

Well written, gripping account of heartbreak but with a positive view of how to grow from it. I think that Rosie Eichorn's advice to give it 10 dates on the second time around is excellent.

I have also seen men in their 30's pushed to make the commitment. (I remember one whose mother came to me at the bride's reception and said that her son is telling her that she's ruining his life and he doesn't want to do this. I told her that once they're married, he'll be okay. That was taking a chance, but I knew he dated the girl for about a year. He also had commitment issues. Thank G-d, he's now happily married with 2 children. The first year he sought out married friends who helped him adjust. Another man in his 30's was also unhappy before the ceremony but afterwards said the most beautiful things about his kallah. Thank G-d, they've also been married happily for several years.)

You sound like you have so much to give. May Hashem guide you on your true path.

(3)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

thank you for sharing

I had similar situations (2) hapen to me with diferent people, and now i find my self on the offending side, leaving the bodycount behind me. can you share how you stayed so positive through your experience?

(2)
Tammy,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Ready for next time

It is unfortunate that we learn lessons the hard way but they seem to be the only ones that really stick with us. Next time you start dating you will now know what to look for and the warning bells and lights should go off for you without too much investment in the relationship. Then you will have to decide do I keep up with this and take the chance of getting burned again or do I just right off the bat say no. You will recognize that the person has issues and that you don't want to invest in an intimate relationship with someone who has such major issues that need to be dealt with. This may sound kind of cold but is not intended to be. I believe G-d will send someone across your path who is healthy and you will hit it off and there will be no turning back this time.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 25, 2006 12:00 AM

Similar Situation

Yes, indeed I've been in a similar situation--though of course, the dynamics within every relationship are different. But now, practically speaking, how do you move past?

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!