KEY WEST, Fla. — Coast Guard crewmen boarded the ghost ship G/S Flying Dutchman last week on suspicion of unauthorized haunting as well as having an expired life raft, according to Lt. j.g. Kevin Thomas, a spokesman for District Seven Command Center. Webb says the vessel violated the Coastal Association of Specter and Poltergeist Evaluation Regulations, and also had less than the minimum personal flotation devices.

“Coast Guard examiners determined that key safety procedures were inadequate and the crew did not have the necessary permits to safely haunt in navigable waters,” said Lt. Cdr. Stuart Wetherby, the USCG chief of prevention at Sector Key West. “We will continue to work with the vessel’s crew and the appropriate authorities to ensure that the issues found are corrected before the vessel resumes operations.”

The Flying Dutchman was located some 45 nautical miles northeast of Fort Zachary Taylor, in the vicinity of the Fleming Key, preparing for prime haunting activity when Coast Guard Cutter Key Biscayne came across the vessel while on a routine patrol around the outer islands.

“A Coast Guard boarding team was subsequently sent on board to carry out a search and to question the crew,” according to Thomas. The vessel reported to have sailed from the Bermuda Triangle to Key West and are said to be carrying a combined crew of 29 ghosts and ghouls.

Once on board, the boarding team completed the At-Sea Accountability (ASSA) and an Initial Safety Inspection, which found the vessel to have an expired life raft that dated back to 1790. In addition, only 20 life preservers were found to accommodate the 29 crew, most of which consisted of leather stitching and flares that seemed to be a long white wax candle.

Once the ASSA was complete, the Coast Guard boarding team inspected all documentation and discovered the expired Haunting Permit. “It is illegal in the navigable waters of the United States to be haunting without proper documentation,” explained Thomas. “In accordance with 45 Code of Federal Regulations, Chapter 7.8; all ghost vessels must renew their documentation to minimize unregistered haunting and/or spooking.”

When asked for a statement, Capt. Brendan Fokker exclaimed, “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling Coasties!” The Flying Dutchman will continue on its scheduled journey round the Cape of Good Hope until Judgment Day.

Border Wall to be constructed out of unfinished Coast Guard cutters

EL PASO, Texas — Federal authorities have awarded over 30 unfinished Coast Guard cutters to a Texas company to build 12 miles of wall along the U.S.-Mexico border in the Chihuahuita area, sources confirm today.

Texas contractor FLURP Inc. will begin construction of a 418-foot reinforced steel levee wall in January in the agency’s El Paso region using remaining parts and materials from unfinished and unneeded boats, Coast Guard representatives told reporters. The company also will use the money saved from building more Coast Guard vessels to dig a sick moat with alligators and build a super cool draw bridge.

President Donald Trump has promised that the Coast Guard cutters on the border will provide an impenetrable defense against all aspects of illegal immigration and shot down questions of migrants using boats to cross.

“Shut your mouth!” the president said, pointing at a reporter. “They can’t get here on boats. You think those rapists and murders can afford a yacht?”

The section will be the first of Trump’s border barriers in the valley, which is considered one of the busiest corridors for illegal crossings. Other areas have been completed with remnants of discarded F-35 parts.

“The wall will be comprised of several security layers: a broken flight deck camera system, miles and miles of rusted steel peppered with white and red paint, and guard towers built out of discarded non-skid,” Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told reporters. “We’re also looking at utilizing pursuit boats stacked on top of one another that we otherwise would have used to interdict drug traffickers and a bunch of helicopter blades on top of the wall from Coast Guard search and rescue helicopters.”

Coast Guard representatives agreed with the decision and said they’ve been doing fine fine with what they already have.

“Considering how often these boats leak, it might be the best idea to place these things along the border,” said Capt. Barry Hughes.

“These invaders will be so disappointed once they see this massive impenetrable wall of badassness,” Texas resident and border militia founder Jamie Kearney told reporters. “I mean, how else can they get across our border? I literally can think of no other way of these assholes can get to America. I think we won!”

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

Coast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net

PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources confirmed today.

The Coast Guard was able to provide the SEAL a life ring and various ego-boosting complements in order to keep the entangled animal afloat. Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Howell, who disentangled the SEAL, said the mission highlighted one of the reasons he joined the Coast Guard.

“You could see that it was in a lot of pain and needed help,” explained Howell. “Despite people approaching it from the boat, it wasn’t reacting because it seemed too insecure to do anything like tell cool stories or show off its tattoos. If it had been confident and able, it would have been able to break free with its hilarious diver knife or something.”

“It is a major concern of mine that when I phoned SEAL World, they simply told me that they are not prepared for helping such a creature,” Piper said. “Apparently, it wasn’t good at sliding on it’s belly or clapping. It just kept pointing its FN FAL rifle at the ship and asking for permission to fire.”

“I wonder whether NOAA would have taken more interest in this distressed animal had it been an adorable little dolphin,” Piper added.

The cutter transported the SEAL to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, where it can take months to complete BUD/S, jump school, and a class where you learn how to balance a ball on your nose.

The SEAL will eventually be nursed back to health and begin his rough draft of the tell-all book he will inevitably write about this experience, according to a Navy spokesperson.

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

Captain Jack Sparrow named new Coast Guard commandant

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has nominated Capt. Jack Sparrow to serve as the 26th commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard, sources confirmed today.

Sparrow, the skipper of the Black Pearl, currently serves as operational commander of one the nine pirate lords in the Brethren Court, the Pirate Lords of the Seven Seas, and now will command a fleet of Coast Guard cutters around the coastal United States.

The White House announced the nomination in a press release, calling Sparrow “an expert in piracy and illegal contraband trade” and saying he is “a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest.”

Sparrow relieved Commandant Karl Schultz in a change of command ceremony surrounded by the men and women of the Coast Guard.

“Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer these Coast Guard ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weaselly black guts out,” the newly appointed commandant said in a speech from Washington.

“Capt. Jack Sparrow will deliver expert leadership and sound judgement needed to guide our dedicated military service further into this difficult yet remarkable era of our nation,” said Schultz. “He’s a little unconventional, yes. But I’m confident that his knowledge of the sea, ability to talk his way out of a messy situation, and capacity to hold his liquor already makes him a worthy addition to the Coast Guard family.”

Sparrow’s proposed changes to Coast Guard policy include providing alcohol-incentivized advancement, where the member must have at least two alcohol incidents to advance to the next rank, a more aggressive take on finding buried treasure, and introducing a mutiny based style of change of command.

The boating public reacted with alarm at the nomination.

“This is a disgrace and a complete surprise. The Coast Guard is without doubt the worst military service I have ever heard of,” Cape Cod resident Robert Royal said in a comment about the decision.

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

A COAST GUARD STATION NEAR YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED — The Coast Guard has suspended Hurricane Florence relief operations in order to address a service-wide racism problem that nobody even knew about until one of its own played the “circle game” on national television yesterday, sources confirmed today.

During a briefing about the response to Hurricane Florence, an unnamed Coast Guardsman, seen in the background, appeared to scratch his forehead and then make a circle with his thumb and forefinger as another service member briefed reporters.

The gesture was immediately noticed by the nation’s best thinkers, who are all on Twitter, Vice and Facebook. After scores, or maybe five, intellectuals reported the offensive act, the Coast Guard sailed into — or actually, out of — action.

“We are aware of the offensive video on twitter – the Coast Guard has identified the member and removed him from the response,” the service tweeted. “His actions do not reflect those of the United States Coast Guard.”

Operations then ceased as hundreds of Coast Guardsmen departed the Eastern Seaboard to assemble in front of giant screens placed well ashore, on which PowerPoint briefings projected images of reported racists making the circle gesture, such as Alabama police officers, Oprah Winfrey,Colin Kaepernick, and — briefly — Presidents Trump, Obama and Clinton.

Speaking at a hastily-called press conference far away from Florence’s impact, Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray told reporters, “We used to be tremendously busy with the response to Florence, so we don’t have time for these games, whether they are intended as harmless fun or are actually symptomatic of a long-standing, service-wide Aryan skinhead alt-right hate problem we just learned about like, nineteen hours ago.”

Ray added: “But now that the nation knows that we’re really a bunch of heehawing, Sieg-Heiling fascists just looking for the chance to ignore a minority’s distress call, we have ceased all operations worldwide in order to conduct sensitivity training about the racist ‘circle game.’”

But while speaking, Ray scratched his ear, which according to the Internet is a white power gesture that symbolizes crackers not wanting to hear minorities speak truth to power.

He was immediately removed from the podium by his own security detail and replaced by Commandant Karl Schultz, who was subsequently removed after an American Sign Language interpreter to his left made the letter “f” with his hand while Schultz spoke. That letter is the same “A-OK” symbol used by white supremacists, Coast Guardsmen and deaf Americans, according to several Redditors contacted by Duffel Blog.

Reaction to the Coast Guard’s response was swift among the nation’s five military forces.

“Overblown,” declared Air Force Master Sgt. Jermaine Grier, two-time winner of the Pacific Air Forces’ annual circle game competition. “First of all, it was above the waist. That’s a foul and the captain — or was it a petty officer? I can’t tell their ranks — should have turned right around on camera and punched that guy’s arm off.”

At the Pentagon, Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith noted that while everyone needs to combat racism, the A-OK sign was disguised as a scratch, which violates rules.

“It can’t be set up like that,” he said, adding, “speaking for America’s real sailors, we work hard to maintain high standards of integrity and honor.” Smith then turned to an aide and requested the statistics on how many Pollywogs kissed the Royal Baby in the last fiscal quarter.

After the video of the gesture went viral, sales of Margaret Atwood’s 1966 poetry book, “The Circle Game,” increased dramatically in Coast Guard exchanges nationwide. This caused the Coast Guard’s Office of Public Affairs to tweet, “The book, ‘The Circle Game,’ is not an instruction manual. Furthermore, Joni Mitchell’s 1970 song of the same name is not to be played during any Coast Guard formation.”

Drunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. asking for place to crash

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.

“She’s pretty hammered,” said Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying things like ‘HEY! It’s me yer best fuckin’ friend. I’m shitfaced from the Caribbean and I need a place to pass out and take a fackin’ shit’.”

Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads began making preparations on the off change Florence is what they call a Category 4 Shitstorm. This means she will likely arrive blackout drunk, begin eating everything out of the refrigerator, puke in the sink, start playing trap music at full volume, start a fight with the lamp, and have sustained winds of up to 140 mph with a 24 ft storm surge.

The last reported contact from Florence was a drunk text with a blurry selfie and the message, “letz go 2 olive garden im fukin #REKT”.

The past drunk hurricanes of 2017 were devastating to the Coast Guard, costing up to $900 million dollars of all-hands-on-deck rescue and recovery operations. Hurricane Florence’s drunken arrival could add to that cost and cause extreme damage due to her erratic behavior and tendency to get really dramatic about small shit for no apparent reason.

The Coast Guard plans to prepare for the eventual arrival of Florence by supplying Extra-Strength Advil, a giant bottle of water, an extra set of blankets, and a Home Depot-sized puke bucket because nobody wants a repeat of last time.

At press time, Coast Guardsmen confidently assumed that Florence’s response in the aftermath would likely be, “What happened last night? lol was I that drunk?”