As a mother and a human I have never felt so alone. I’m struggling with motherhood, I’m struggling with life in general.

I feel like I am fighting demons I can’t even begin to try and explain to people.

I am not posting this for attention, I’m posting this because it might explain why I don’t post or share much these days. What I do share is a tiny snippet of my life and people think I have it all sorted – I tell you now, I don’t.

My mental health currently has a firm grip on me and is ruling every aspect of my life.

I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to see anybody, I just want to yell or cry. I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve said things to my kids that I hate myself for.

How can people who are so small evoke so many emotions?

Today I realized that I am in this alone, regardless of the people who say they’ll be there – this is something that I think I am going to struggle with for the rest of my life. This is on me to try and overcome and I think maybe it’s time I try a different approach because the current approach is not working.

Today has been one of the worst days in a long time, I am in such a negative mindset and I am really down.

To the people who say I’m on here giving parenting advice yet in reality, I’m a terrible mother – thank you for making this dark depression even worse, for making me want to shut down everything I’ve worked for and disappoint the people I’ve helped better themselves.. I have only ever been real and honest about this journey and how I am feeling.

I know people say, you can talk to me but how on earth do you tell somebody about the horrible thoughts that go through your head? That sometimes you want to run away and never look back because others don’t deserve the sea-saw of emotions. That sometimes you’re just like honestly what’s the point? My existence isn’t even a happy one.

I love my kids, I truly do and I often think I don’t deserve them and that they deserve somebody better as a mother.

You may think somebody has it all sorted and has a really good life, but remember that small snippet is far from what the daily grind is like. I see others post photos of their happy families, of them winning this whole parenting thing and here’s me – wondering how I fucked it up so badly. I get jealous, I really do.

When I’m not yelling or ripping my hair out of sheer frustration, I just cry. Then some days the cloud is gone and things feel better – until it returns.

Why am I posting? I don’t know. I honestly feel like I can’t even tell anybody how I am feeling these days. I get criticized for posting stuff but this was my safe haven.

I struggle with depression and anxiety but I have also become a very angry person. I spend so much time trying to fix everybody else that I am falling apart from the inside out.

I returned to work as soon as my 18 weeks of PPL were up. Not just for financial reasons but because I love my job & also because I knew my daughter (Parker) would thrive 110% better at Daycare, than she would at home with me. I do love being a Mum but staying at home & being responsible for my Daughters learning & development just wasn’t for me. It sounds terrible when I put that in words but I know I’m not the only one who worries about how much pressure that is felt to ensure you’re supporting your child in hitting their milestones.

I returned 3 days a week initially then gradually increased back to full time hours from there. In hindsight, I wish I had worked 3 day weeks until Parker was 12months old. Unknown to me, once Parker hit 7-8months old, I found that my life was a constant cycle of work, washing (to ensure there were plenty of fresh daycare clothes) & pureeing baby food. Especially because help at home was limited (my husband is out of town a lot for his job). This is when mild PND set in & I started to wonder what I was doing with my life. I had a discussion with my manager & it was agreed that I was able to work from home 1-2 days a week so I could keep on top of things. I feel really lucky to have had a workplace that supported this at a time where it could have gone the complete opposite way.

Everyone’s return to work situation is completely different – some will have more support at home, some will have less. But just know that there ARE other people in the same situation as you & everyone copes with similar situations in different ways. Talk it out with someone you feel comfortable with or your Doctor if needed & come up with a strategy to lessen your load. Both physically & mentally. I didn’t respond well to medication so a change in work/life balance was really only option.

Because I put Parker in Daycare so early & had friends going through the same battle of working out how to approach it after me, I often got asked my tips/tricks/hacks for starting Daycare & keeping on top of things, so here they are :

CLOTHING : Leave the cute stuff at home & keep it simple. In Winter, dress in bodysuits, trackies/leggings and sweatshirts. In summer, the same again but with short sleeves and shorts. We frequented the Warehouse, Kmart & even Baby Factory. They grow so fast that I used to buy things in a range of sizes. Especially if it was black or another dark colour with less chance of being stained by food.

USE THE DRYER : It’s my holy grail. If I had to hang every piece of Parker’s clothes out to dry, I’d certainly go stir crazy. If you insist on hanging out washing to save a few bucks on the electricity, use those offers of help to get it done.

PRE-PACK OUTFITS : If you’re OCD in terms of outfits that need to go together/colour co-ordinate, put together your baby’s weeks worth of individual outfits in plastic sleeves (I kept the ones that our cot sheets came in) or laundry delicates bags (which I used when she grew up a bit and her clothes were a bit bulkier), then in their own drawer or shelf. This makes for getting dressed quickly in the mornings & when Dad is there to help out with the morning routine, he doesn’t have the stress of finding a suitable daycare outfit either.

STOCK DAYCARE UP WITH THE ESSENTIALS : We would stock Daycare up with whole boxes of nappies, tins of formula and breakfast (Farex etc) so that all we needed to do was ensure there were a couple of changes of clothes & a sleep-sack in Parker’s bag each day. Then the addition of lunch once she started on solids. To make this easier, I would highly recommend finding a daycare that provides meals.

BULK MAKE FOOD & USE PRE-MADE POUCHES : Bulk make a weeks worth of puréed foods and pop it in Kai Karriers ready to go to Daycare for lunches &/or dinners. You can also do this for breakfasts and bulk containers of yoghurt. However, don’t feel guilty if you opt to send them along with pre-made pouches from the Supermarket. I did this a lot too to save my sanity and even now (Parker is 2) we still have a stash of fruit pouches in the cupboard and opt for yoghurt pouches for breakfasts or an easy snack.

DAYCARE BAG : You can use basically any bag – a lot of people use their nappy bags for the first little while. I invested in a Herschel bag for Parker last March and she has used it every day since. It’s still in great condition with no signs of wear. I highly recommend them. Also, Pop a wet bag in their bag for wet/dirty clothes (I believe most daycares are advising this now as they’re trying to go plastic bag free)

NAMING DAYCARE ITEMS : I went through the painstaking process of ironing Dymo name labels on all Parker’s daycare clothes. Realistically, this was more of a pain than helpful. Their clothes rarely go missing when they’re smaller as they generally have less changes of clothes. Name labeling is key when they’re transitioned to a toddler room though. Stuck on You labels are great but get the larger sized ones. Name all plastic surfaces with vinyl name labels – bottles, drink bottles, kai carriers & lunch boxes. I personally love using Vinyl Junkies. Their service is top notch and their labels last well too.

MAKE TIME FOR YOU : Take a day off work every now & then just for you and don’t feel bad about it. Everyone needs this. In fact, I checked myself into a hotel for the night a couple of times just to get some rest without worrying about anything else.

ACCEPT OFFERS OF HELP & DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP : I had friends bring dinner over a few times. Not just because I’m useless at cooking when it’s just myself at home but it was also nice to have the company on those days. Also, I know personally that if any of my friends needed help folding their laundry, doing their dishes or vacuuming their house, I would happily be there for them. If anything, I’d make me feel good knowing that they feel like that can reach out to me for help. This goes for babysitting too! It’s not so daunting looking after someone else’s kid now that I’m somewhat “experienced”.

HIRE HELP : if finances allow, just do it. We had someone come to do the essentials for us for a few months last year & it was so good knowing that each fortnight, the kitchen, bathroom and floors were getting a decent clean. I would walk in the door with a feeling of relief knowing I could just sit down for a few moments without feeling like my house was a absolute sty riddled with germs. Of course the cleanliness didn’t last with a toddler but at least temporarily, I could breathe a little.

Once Parker was somewhere between 12-18 months, juggling things did get easier. She can feed & entertain herself (mostly) which means there is some room for getting housework done while she is occupied & I got a new job that allows me to work flexible hours so now I get home a lot earlier than I used to.

So, if you’re about to return to work or have recently returned & are feeling like everything is a bit much, remind yourself that the best is yet to come. You may feel overwhelmed at times but it will pass & it does get better.

I purchased a new pair of togs yesterday, decided it was finally time I graduated from my maternity ones (I’ll always love you ole faithful) and in my usual style of shopping I grabbed a pair off the rack, held it against myself and said and “yep – she’ll be right”.

She won’t. By god they’re high cut and the downstairs tenant didn’t get the memo about the requirements. I put them on in the changing room, looked down and had one of those ‘oh shit’ moments. It was way too late – she’s festively thick and bushy like a Christmas tree. Oops #mumlife.

Being a mum is all about putting them first and us second. At least it took away from the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks.

As tears streamed down my face he looked at me and said “i love you mummy, you’re my best friend” and that was all I needed to hear in that moment.

Knowing that this beautiful little person you created is starting to learn the concept of love and affection, especially when it’s needed.

I’ve struggled more as a Mum in the last couple of weeks than I did when the kids were newborns.

I don’t know why but it’s just sucked, everything has.

I’ve lost myself 100%. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I want out of life. I feel like all I am is a Mum who goes to a job all day and then comes home and cleans. The same boring routine day in day out and it sucks – I’m over it. I wanted more out of my life and now I feel selfish for even feeling this way. I make no time for myself and I’ve just lost sight of what makes me happy.

My anxiety is at its peak right now, I am so bleh and I’ve cried so much I’ve given myself headaches.

I am failing my children and right now I am not a good mum.

It’s a bad day, not a bad life – but right now I just want to curl up into a ball and wait for the dark clouds to pass over.

I will start off the post by saying we are avid Mountain Buggy fans, so when I was asked to review the +one I was like heck yes!

From before Baxter was born we’d purchased their capsule & base and front pack (the Juno). I had my eyes on their new at the time, Urban Jungle Luxury Collection in Nautical. All the heart eyes, navy blue with tan leather. You can imagine my surprise when I came home from work one night and Reuben had gone and purchased the buggy and nappy bag for me. I squealed. I am a total sucker for patterns and aesthetics. When the Juno, their front pack came out in matching Nautical the consumer in me went out and purchased it. I LOVED it and to this day I still get use out of it. One of those on a whim purchases that I didn’t know how often I would actually use it but was pleasantly surprised how frequently I did.

We loved our Urban Jungle, super easy to fold up and down plus easily manoeuvrable when out in shops (and I do a lot of shopping, haha). When I became pregnant with Lily I was so worried about having to buy one of those bulky looking side by side buggy’s, until I discovered the Mountain Buggy +one I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t need to after all. The +one actually won the 2016 OHbaby Awards as being the best double buggy and Mountain Buggy came out on top as New Zealand’s favourite buggy brand. I can totally see why.

The thing I love most about the +one is that is doesn’t visually look like your typical double buggy because the second seat (which can be removed) actually sits behind the front seat so the buggy itself can be used as a single, toddler + storage, toddler + newborn or toddler + toddler with different configurations.

We initially got the buggy when Lily was a baby so we used it with the toddler + newborn configuration, the second seat and newborn mattress came included. It meant I could see Lily and keep an eye on her while Baxter could people watch – which he absolutely loves. If I decided to carry Lily in the front pack, I can switch it back to being a single pram or just leave the back seat empty or fill it with shopping. There is still heaps of room behind and underneath for storage even with two seats in. We keep our front pack tucked into the back for when we need it.

The buggy is available in 3 colors. Black, Berry or Marine. We opted for the Marine. I was a bit gutted it wasn’t available in my beloved Nautical but am slowly coming to terms with it.

Whenever we purchase a buggy we also purchase the different weather covers because its something you’re always going to use. We also opted for a maintenance kit this time around and I am so glad we did. It comes with maintenance essentials which help you get the most out of your buggy and comes in a convenient compact roll up bag for easy storage on the go – we keep ours in the boot of the car.

Here is a picture of what it includes:

For only $40, you’d be silly not to and it’s an absolute lifesaver (pump and all).

I think what I love most is that both kids are happy and comfortable, at first Baxter preferred being in the front but quite often now he wants to sit in the back. I love that they have an option (like calling shotgun) and from time to time when Lily has been sleepy, we’ve put her in the back and she’s fallen asleep.

Overall, I am really impressed with how easy the buggy is to push and manoeuvre given the fact there are two children in it and I also love the fact that when Baxter becomes too big for a pram we can simply swap it back to be a full-time single seat buggy.

Mountain Buggy continue to impress me with the innovative new products they bring out and how helpful their customer service staff are when it comes to answering questions, ordering accessories or replacement parts (which I’ve never had to do but I love the fact you can).