The State of the Union, 2013

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

Our brave men and women are coming home. Because declaring victory over enemies is not something the country needs to be doing, that’s something the democrat party gets to do. See, you have to keep all this stuff straight.

Corporate profits have rocketed to all-time highs, and that’s a problem. Making money is not something American corporations need to be doing, that’s something only democrats should be able to do. Again, keep this straight.

The engine of America’s economic growth is a rising, thriving middle class. That’s the goal. You should rise and thrive, but only moderately.

It is our unfinished task to make sure that this government encourages free enterprise. And I’m here to make sure that task stays unfinished for a good, long time.

The American people don’t expect government to solve every problem. For they know that America moves forward only when we do so together. That’s right, no individual is to be given credit for specializing in anything, competently. Except for Me, of course, and My friends. We built that!

We are more than halfway towards the goal of $4 trillion in deficit reduction that economists say we need to stabilize our finances. Now we need to finish the job. And the question is, how? Dunno. You guys mull that one over while I come up with some new ideas on how to spend money.

The “sequester” is a really, really bad idea. But let’s not take a clue from that, question how we managed to get here, let’s just exercise consistent behavior with the expectation of inconsistent results.

Most Americans – Democrats, Republicans, and Independents – understand that we can’t just cut our way to prosperity. Because spending money is fun! And taking it away from the people who made it, is even more fun!

Our first priority is making America a magnet for new jobs and manufacturing. Because America can’t be a brain trust anymore, that ship has sailed. We’re just sort of winging it now, so America needs to start building furniture and machinery, and compete with countries that build those same things, countries where the cost of living is much lower because they don’t have any liberals. Yup, that should work.

Caterpillar is bringing jobs back from Japan. Ford is bringing jobs back from Mexico. Intel is building a plant right here at home. There are things we can do, right now, to accelerate this trend. Like, keep spending money, tax the snot out of the companies that manage to make a profit, and hope they don’t leave again. I hear that works great in California.

For the sake of our children and our future, we must do more to combat climate change. Yes, it’s true that no single event makes a trend. But we’re going to act like that is exactly the case, and call it “science.” But if Congress won’t act soon to protect future generations, I will, because human activity is heating the planet. Government spending isn’t doing that, though, because that isn’t human activity.

Too many families with solid credit who want to buy a home are being rejected. Too many families who have never missed a payment and want to refinance are being told no. That’s holding our entire economy back, and we need to fix it. Four years without a budget is not holding our economy back, and bizarre new health care regulations aren’t holding our economy back, and the constant threat of ever-increasing taxes on “millionaires and billionaires” is not holding our economy back. It’s those darn banks telling people no.

Leaders from the business, labor, law enforcement, and faith communities all agree that the time has come to pass comprehensive immigration reform. Of course they don’t agree on what that reform is supposed to be all about, but they’re all in favor of that word, which is why we politicians like it so much. Send me a comprehensive immigration reform bill in the next few months, and I will sign it right away.

Tonight, let’s declare that in the wealthiest nation on Earth, no one who works full-time should have to live in poverty, and raise the federal minimum wage to $9.00 an hour. Heck, let’s make it ninety, why not. Let’s offer incentives to companies that hire Americans who’ve got what it takes to fill that job opening, but have been out of work so long that no one will give them a chance. By forcing them to pay a higher minimum wage if they do hire them, and then taxing the bejeezus out of them so we politicians can spend more money. It is this kind of prosperity – broad, shared, and built on a thriving middle class – that has always been the source of our progress at home. Just don’t think about doing so well that you might actually leave that middle class because, know your place. Stay in that middle class and do middle-class thriving.

When any Americans – no matter where they live or what their party – are denied the right to vote simply because they can’t wait for five, six, seven hours just to cast their ballot, we are betraying our ideals. That’s why, tonight, I’m announcing a commission to start messing with the voting experience in America. Because that’s one thing we certainly need, politicians to get more involved in counting the votes.