Dirty Jokes XXVIII

A patient awakened after a serious operation
only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are
all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon
responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we
didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an
adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were
sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills,
Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in
contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were
right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and
whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that
bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back.
"It is YOUR cow."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's
fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which
one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings
three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch
and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one
I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the
middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're
right. How did you know?"

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and
such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a
gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in.
Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have
special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals
will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from
his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped
them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his
wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent
him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own,
and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then
began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one
afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen.
The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red
jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him
his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the
ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later,
they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching.
"Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And
a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a
fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the
pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew
members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war
with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which
the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured
and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew
will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member
agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work.
Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10
in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the
captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my
brown pants!"

The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada
passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted:
"We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A
male passenger shouted "WHY?!?"

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex
therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The
man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and
charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay
the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what
are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to
find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm
married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back
from Medicare."

True Story... A female news anchor who, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me
last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the
crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

A young doctor had moved into town and was
setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in
front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals &
Hemorrhoids." The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked
him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put
up a new sign: "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming
about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a
decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor
came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."

According to archaeologists, for millions of
years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to
understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.

A bride who got a little too drunk at her
wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks
to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short
speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display,
which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do
thank my new parents-in-law for giving us such a beautiful perky
copulator"

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of
"male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a
woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is
post-menstrual she may be attracted to plain facial features. When
pre-menstrual she can be attracted to more feminine features in a
man. If she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged,
masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to
be attracted to a man with a pair of scissors shoved in his temple.

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing
service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted
to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV
and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her
right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder
that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went
to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his
crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get
it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the
dead."

Husband: Ohhh, you are wonderfully tight
tonight darling!
Wife: Get that big hairy thing out of my navel!

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They
tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to
the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an
accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page
the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset
Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my
wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your
wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith
says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her
spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This
means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And
you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent
pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the
doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no
control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed
at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries,
sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a
regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her
bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course
you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to
wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr.
Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey,
I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

After just a few years of marriage, filled
with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each
other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last
straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife
began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within
their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the
wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the
husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The
counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least
twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can
have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman
sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands
under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the
next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so
the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew
his hand, he was surprised to see
her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good
enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs
are still itching!"