Florida’s Freaky Fridays : This Little Piggy Went to the Stripclub

On June 22, 2012 by Kevin Forde

Clearwater Florida – Note the complete lack of homelessness

In the latest instalment of the never-ending stories that emerge from the alway sun-soaked Sunshine State we bring you a wonderfully splendid trio of almost perfectly coherent stories. Some of which features pigs (precisely, one) some of which features kittens (again, it’s one) and all of which feature at least one human being doing something a little odd.

So, sit back, relax and try to not let Facebook distract you for approximately four minutes and enjoy our latest edition of Florida’s Freaky Fridays.

Man can’t take his pussy into strip club

It’s never nice facing up to a bouncer when heading to a night club. Muscular, intimidating and inevitably dressed all in black, they’re the kind of people who probably got bullied in school and have spent the rest of their lives forcibly overcompensating. It’s best not to give them an excuse to bar you from a club, or worse to not let you in at all. Well, one Floridian, Everett Robert Lages really gave them no option. He tried to bring a kitten into a strip club.

When, on, quite reasonably, being told that it was the wrong kind of cat for this club, he decided there was only one thing to do when faced with such an injustice, act like Gandhi. He sat down.

Then he called the cops. Repeatedly.

Apparently the thought never crossed the 47 year-old’s mind that the police might not be on his side. On discovering the clealy intoxicated pacifist and trying to unsuccessfully get him in a taxi, he was arrested, while still dialing 911.

The kitten was unharmed and was picked up by Animal Control.

How much is that piggy in the window?

Perhaps not a story you might associate with Florida, but showing that it encompasses all kinds of weird tales and strange people, a Yorkshire pig recently went mising in Dade City. The little piggy, creatively called Piggy, was rambling around Peachtree Lane when he was spotted by Earl Anthony Florer ( another Floridian oddity is the apparent use of double-barreled names) who was gathering scrap metal at a nearby home. The homeowner, Shannon Shafer, laid eyes on little Piggy before Florer who, possibly hungry from all that scrap lifting, decided he wanted a handful of pork and asked Shafer for the animal. Realising it was a neighbour of hers, she said no and proceeded to lock Piggy safely in her room until his (?) owner came home.

Come the next morning Piggy had been pignapped.

The police later picked up Florer and recovered the piglet who, instead of being eaten, had been sold for $40. He’s since been returned to his owner and no one has, thus far, gotten eaten.

Homeless in Clearwater

You know why people are homeless? Does it have something to do with the ongoing international fiscal crisis? Nope. Maybe substance abuse issues? Definitely not. Or is it the inherent flaw in a class based capitalist model that means for people to succeed someone, somewhere has to fail? Close, but you’re way off. At least that’s according to officials in the Florida town of Clearwater where crews recently welded shut public restrooms because the ability to use an actual bathroom, rather than a wall or the nearby children’s playground, to urinate in presumably tricks people into thinking they still have a home. This comes on the back of the removal of a hose in Station Square Park homeless people were using to clean themselves with and the removal of electricity from the area as well, because if you can’t see the homeless they don’t exist.

You see these tiny, traces of everyday human existence we all take for granted actually discourage the roofless from seeking help. After all, who needs a roof over your head when you can wash yourself with a hose? Well that’s the thinking of the city’s homeless consultant Robert Marbut – who we’re guessing has definitely spent a large portion of his life homeless or at the very least making money off their existence. Of course, taking such drastic measures is a wonderful idea, it’s almost as good as doing what the rest of society does and ignoring it as much as they possibly can.