Pages

Thursday, September 24, 2015

I Am Not As Strong As I May Appear

Really, not sure if I even appear strong to you, but that is the thought that ran through my mind as I sat at my desk crying, again. There are more days of tears lately then happiness. I can’t believe I just typed that.

In an effort of being transparent as I walk this journey and as a plead for prayers I think it is time to tell you that I am still broken - I am still in pain. I really truly felt I was receiving healing through my writing, that I was embracing grace and forgiveness, but this past week has been horrible. I have picked fights with my husband, my children have seen me crying, I’ve slammed door and almost broken plates. I am not myself this week - I don’t think I have been for a month.

I’ve asked myself over and over, “Why am I so depressed? What is going on?” Is it hormones, frustration, or do I just need to shower more often (keeping it real with y’all). Yesterday, I had a phone call with the co-founder of Silent No More Awareness and without even knowing her five minutes she got real with me - I need help to heal. Even though I have given my pain, regret, and shame to God, I need help.

I think the first step to my healing is admitting that I am in pain. The headlines, the comments, the hashtags that were created this week are all too much for me to handle. I didn’t even realize that my scars were so raw still - I had plans to help other women, to show other women the power of forgiveness and grace never realizing that I again need to be reminded that I too am forgiven.

The hardest thing that I have had to do in my life is forgiving myself. To forgive myself and to mean it. To forgive myself and to feel it, let it sink into my bones so that I can no longer question it. To feel so forgive that the devil can’t do this to me - he can’t get a foothold on my thoughts and my feelings.

The lyrics of this song pulled at my heart a moment ago and wanted to share it with you, but I knew that I needed to tell you what is going on as I did.

Earth has sorrow Heaven can’t heal…

And because I am still me (on my mission to help others) if you are finding this and are feeling my pain, then please watch this video:

Someday I hope to tell Georgette in person how she helped me in one phone call that she really didn’t have to make. As you pray for me please pray for the women like me during this time.

For those you are strong in your Pro-Life Mission: I am fully aware that it may be difficult for you to pray for me and other women because of what we have done, but please know that I believe with all my heart that if we can get the women like me healed and able to share our message then we can be a huge impact in the war you are fighting. I heard Beth Moore say this week, “Nothing that sin can give us is worth what we are giving up” - I understand this, I feel this everyday and I hope to help other women to understand this before they take the same path I did. Know that I am not single case, there are countless women who have the same story I do - the same shame, the same regret and cry the same tears.