Archive for June, 2008

Well, I managed to get some work done–not so much around my flat but priorities? No, “Fix Me Up” has been neglected and well, my flat is always being neglected. Not to mention, I finally established contact with P. whom I met while in hospital last year and we are finally going to get together! We’re meeting for dinner tonight. I used that as some motivation and a “reward” for getting some work done.

So, speaking of “neglecting” things…MP3 of the Moment has really just been sitting there untouched for a very long time. I’ve been thinking I should do some more “Series” types like I used to do a while back?

On that note (pun intended…)

Some Psychobilly, anyone? Here we go with a trio by The Cramps. I did post a YouTube of “What’s Inside a Girl” a long time ago so I won’t stream that one.

And one is “profane” as you will see by the title. I generally tend to warn people so they won’t get their knickers in a knot if they click on the link for a song.

I could skip writing this post for today as I tossed up the last one after midnight so that’s my daily quota for Blog365. But bugger me all to hell I am so bloody ticked off! We still have no hot water. It’s been two days now. It’s got me so riled up I can not concentrate on anything else. I finally broke down and washed my dishes in the ice cold (and scrubbed them really hard!)

I heard from the upstairs tenant earlier today (after she had called our landlord.) I had called them again with no response. She received an email and found out that they are in the U.S. for a wedding. As a result, we were to call the electrician who was there on Wednesday who possibly(?) “forgot” or “accidentally” didn’t turn the hot water back on after doing his work?

Oh, come on! She said she’d get back to me. I have heard nothing. Maybe she will talk to me when she gets back from work. Maybe she knows nothing? Does she know when they are coming back from the U.S.?

The work was done in another tenant’s flat and I haven’t seen him for a few days. Has he gone away? Well, that’s a wee conundrum, isn’t it? For how shall incompetent electrician gain access if incompetent landlord is not here with a set of keys?

Again, my water problem is consuming me.

*PA pads off to take a Valium*

Which she should have done a while ago.

I can’t concentrate on anything else. I don’t understand why this is. Is it some kind of bizarre “reverse hyperfocus” of ADD? No, PA gets hyperfocused on things she finds enjoyable and interesting. This is more like some kind of anxious obsession! Waiting…waiting…waiting… And as the time passes the worse it gets!

So, indeed, I have decided to make yesterday and today my “weekend.” I have accomplished virtually nothing re: my job work. I must get on the ball and right back into to it tomorrow and on Sunday. And on…Monday…and on…

I’m still so unmotivated and just…blah that really, all I want to do is lie in bed and completely zone out.

Or perhaps ponder how long of a prison sentence I would get for homicide? Slaying my landlord? Or some idiot electrician? Maybe both? I am completely bonkers so I could probably swing my time in a cushy mental institution.

Hey, it sure would eliminate the stress of trying to find a job.

Hang on. I just lost power for a second. Hold up. Someone’s knocking at my door.

Okay, my sentence has just been reduced to a single homicide, not a double.

We have hot water! W00t! The electrician came and fixed us all up in a couple of minutes. As it turned out, he wasn’t incompetent; our breaker panel was. Now all we have to do is wait a bit for everything to heat up and let’s hope we all don’t jump into the shower at the same time as we’ll drain the supply and end up freezing to death anyway. *PA rolls eyes*

EDIT: What’s up with my Valium? Why do I all of the sudden feel way more relaxed than I normally do when I take it? Maybe the combination of it and the fact that I now have hot water has put me so at ease, I’m kinda floatin’ on a cloud baby… That’s all good though. I’ve had too much stress going on anyway lately.

I really didn’t know how to title this. Honestly. I made a post recently about a couple of “larger” sites that had “picked me up.” If you didn’t read it, one I found by a referral and one contacted me. I linked to both in the post. I also made a statement that I would not “endorse” such sites, as I felt people should find resources they felt suitable that could help them in their own way; to their own benefit. Who am I to say that: “This is a site for you to view!” I am not qualified to make such statements.

Which leads me to my first point, perhaps the most obvious. If you haven’t noticed yet, there is a new widget on my left sidebar. I needed to put the widget on my blog for the RSS. I was contacted by these folks and they weren’t like the other larger sites with all the M.D.s, Ph.D’s and all of that.

No. This was… Well, I don’t want to call it a “novel” site. Considering they chose to make me a feature blogger I do not wish to diminish them. However, it is not a medical/health/etc… type of site.

As per what I wrote above regarding the widget, it’s a free space to hang out and be anonymous like me and spill your guts. Which ain’t so bad. That’s what I do.

So there are “regular” bloggers and then there are others like me that are classified under “Related Blogs.” These are the ones that are chosen by these cats that run the place.

The navigation is kind of hither and yon but I’m not expert…this is all a bit redundant anyway. I mean, if you’ve found me then you really don’t need to go there to find me. I just wanted to again… say, WTF about how I am spread all around the blogosphere. I am wee and nuffink. And yes, in case you were wondering about the widget.

Also…it’s all about Depression. I should ask them about my comorbidities, don’t you think? I have a lot going on in my head. I’m not just depressed. I mean, I’m “multi-spastic!” Maybe some or their readers could benefit from that?

As far as the other, this has got me scratching my head, big time. I have no clue who these guys are but it’s almost verbatim to the mentalhelp.net No, I’m not kidding. Right down to the business about my “mature language and not being suitable…” Fair enough…blogroll me with a caveat but I’m still not going to FUCKING censor myself. *laughing*

This site is Devereux. I can honestly say I have no idea what they are about. Really. They seem to advocate for children. Or young adults. Okay, that’s cool. I can relate to anyone. I don’t care if you’re four or 80. Still, I was very surprised to find myself here. I am on the ADHD and Bipolar blog page.

So…

Uh…

And there is one more still in the works. I’m still in contact with the M.D. and they’re supposedly launching in a month.

Okay, I’ll try not to be too scattery-schamattery ADD here but this day (so far?) has been just a little unbearable. Maybe the post will be okay but my brain certainly feels like it’s going through a blender!

So everything’s been rather disastrous except perhaps for my sleep. I spent a long time there. I think I ventured all the way through Dante’s real “Laugh-It-Up” Classic, you know? I’m Dante’s “Lucky Number Seven.” No, really. It’s the only place that I fit! If you don’t know all the Circles, Terraces and Spheres, you can read them all here.

So, yes. My Circle of Hell is “Suicide” being all mental. No other “crime” would I really do. A lot of things throughout are all based on the Seven Deadly Sins. Wee PA is a good girl. Anyway, I haven’t obviously killed myself as here I sit typing at my keyboard so I managed to skip along to Purgatory. My lovely Terrace there is also the seventh. This is a no brainer. Lustful, gay PA has to be basically “Baptised by Fire!”

Get this from the wiki link. Also, the other Terraces are based upon the Seven Deadly Sins so ‘Geez Louise…lusty PA really gets “burned” bad!

The lustful are purged by burning in an immense wall of flames (Cantos XXV through XXVII). All of those who committed sexual sins, both heterosexual and homosexual, are purified by the fire. Excessive sexual desire misdirects one’s love from God and this terrace is meant to correct that. In addition, perhaps because all sin has its roots in misguided love, every soul who has completed his penance on the lower six cornices must pass through the wall of flame before ascending to the Earthly Paradise.

I guess I did okay because when I woke up, I felt fairly well rested. The Seventh Sphere of Heaven through which I must have passed to wake up represents Saturn. Saturn apart from the information in the wiki link also astrologically rules Depression. Sorry for taking your work out of context a bit there, Dante.

This is also neato to play with as PA is an atheist. Nonetheless…she’s not all “Crazy Athiest.” Hey, if you Christians are right (and PAs sister is a believer) and there is a god…great! She’ll still be saved, anyway!

Alright, up I get, take my meds and decide to actually do my dishes since I do not have to go out today. WTF?!

My Ding Dong Landlord was here yesterday to do some work on the hot water tank and hey! Guess what? I have no hot water. That’s right! So, no dishes, no showering…well, unless I decide to boil litres and litres of hot water to do both. I’m sorry. I do not pay this much rent to go “camping” in my flat. I can at least do laundry as I wash everything in cold water. I called and of course have not heard anything back.

Just in case for some reason he showed up *PA almost laughs out loud* I decided I should get into “Disaster Recovery Mode” and do a bit of cleaning. At least nothing involving hot water. So, I swept up the floors. Good god. It was like moving into a new flat where the prior tenant was the biggest slob on the planet. But boy! Am I glad that I did! On my way down to toss some laundry in, I thought…’Oh yes, I should do the steps leading to the washer and dryer.’

*gasp*

I found this little spider who had laid some eggs under one of them!!! OMG!!! That’s just what I need! Some kind of arachnoid infestation! NOTE: PA is rather arachnophobic. Sorry, mommy. You are your babies are going! Trash bag immediately tossed out the door!

NOTE TO PA: Clean your damn flat on a more timely basis from now on!

Well, on one good note, I got my business cards in the mail today so I’m all ready to start handing them out to people like it’s one big poker game. *sigh*

I’m sitting in the lobby of the building where “Fix Me Up” is. I can get a better wifi signal in the cafe here. I can barely move. I find it “rude” to sit in public places like this here and work away so I am drinking a Diet Coke.

I was so screwed up and out of my head this morning, I completely forgot to take my meds! Not that I haven’t done this before. Perhaps it really doesn’t exemplify anything. Regardless… I am getting way…well? Beyond my limits? Approaching them? Have I actually gone past them?

I’m so bloody out of it, I can’t even tell.

I normally stay after session and do more work here but I think I should just go home. No. No, thinking required? That’s almost laughable as my thinking is…? Well, I pulled out all resources for the morning session. And I’m writing this post? Some thinking still going on?

I need to just go home. And probably stay off the computer. And not look at any of my documents, notes, reference materials, “To Do” Lists…

I wish I lived closer to “Fix Me Up” as then I could just pour myself into a taxi and be done with my day? Well, I still could but a fair bit of money? *PA hunches over table dreading commute home*

Not to mention, I received a message last night that my Ding-Dong Landlord said he might need access to my flat today for maintenance. So much for the legal requirement of 24 hours notice. I called his wife back and said due to my circumstances and how crazy things have been, my flat is a wreck! I apologised in advance and said how embarrassed I was!

Supposedly it’s for the hot water tank and that’s in/near (whatever…) another tenant’s flat so he may not have to enter mine. Hopefully they’ll all be gone when I get home. I think I just need to crash.

Postscript: Oh, great. Now, it’s pissing down rain (was super, sunny this morning.) PA waits it all out or goes home and gets soaked with no brolly. Or. Takes.the taxi.

So while I was out running some errands on the weekend, I decided to go and sit on the patio and have some pints and read a local rag. Yes, avoid all job finding responsibility. Well, not really. The paper has ads and stuff.

As I was sitting there, this older woman asked if she could sit with me. Sure, of course! She was in her 60s. She told me that her husband just hated her smoking! So, I suppose since I was a woman there alone (albeit much younger) it was better (and more appropriate for her) to sit down with me. I mean, a woman of her age standing around smoking! Well! Perhaps looking like some kind of trollop! Unimaginable!

We had a lovely conversation and she came out another couple of times. It was kind of odd as well, as there was a band playing. Older gentlemen, not young ruffians but your generic “rock ‘n’ roll” kind of stuff.

Later, a man came out who was around the same age. He asked if he could sit with me as well.

Okay. Hang on. This is one of PAs regular haunts. She is a regular and knows everyone. What’s going on with all of these older folk coming to sit with her? No matter. All is good in PA Polite Land. Please, have a sit and let’s chat.

He said he had just started a new medication and was feeling dizzy. It was just too much inside for him. Oh! Well, please sit down!

We talked for a considerably longer time. I don’t know how long! At least 20min. or more. There was this woman who kept badgering him to come back inside but he kept waving her off. I thought it was kind of funny. I asked if it was his wife. He said no, it wasn’t. His sister? I don’t know.

He offered to have her join us but she wouldn’t. I said the same–please come and sit down. She just sort of “sniffed” and walked away. Again, I had to giggle. He stayed with me and we kept talking. Finally, she came back and said that the band was playing their last song and she wanted to dance. He almost reluctantly walked away. We said goodbye and that, “It was a pleasure…” and I went back to reading my paper.

My servers asked to move inside to sit at my “favourite table.” *laughing* Again, I am a regular and I always sit at the same table to work on baby MacBook. I am actually here right now–at “my table.” They had a line up for the patio. I told them it was no problem as I was getting cold anyway.

I decided to order one more drink and asked for the bill. When I looked at it, I called the server over as there was something wrong. There was only one drink on it–my last. A tiny little…I hate to say “bell” went off in my head but before I could really acknowledge what it was, she told me, “That gentleman that you were sitting with…”

I said, “No, no…oh please…no. He didn’t…”

She said, “Yes, he paid…”

Before she finished, I just started crying. I mean, after we parted, he never even came over to say anything else. When I came back inside, he was gone. So, no time for another final goodbye, a little wave or anything.

I just couldn’t believe it. I sat and cried for a bit more and finished my drink…took a bit of time to regain my composure and then paid my bill.

I still have a couple of really nice “stories” or posts that I would like to write. Well, I think they’re nice. I know they impacted me in a positive way. Maybe you might like them as well?

Feh.

Don’t mistake my, “Feh.” It’s not that I don’t care or give a shit. Of course I do. You guys know I do. That’s my problem, right? My “Achilles’ Heel?”

Feh.

I need a cigarette and I’m going to take my meds. Good lord, if someone were to do a search of “exhaustion” on this blog they would pull up certainly how many posts from this month? Last month? Or well…how many other posts altogether?

How about a search of “pathetic?”

Feh.

I think I am slowly (quickly?) digging my own grave. Hey, at least then I needn’t worry about finding a new job.

Feh.

I’m not very good at physics, however, but let’s see if I can dig my own grave.

I’m pretty strong and also tiny so I’d probably only need a “shallow grave.” But how would I cover myself? Alright. So dig a wee sized PA hole and then dump the dirt on a plank. Measure plank to PAs body and arm length. Affix “Bungee Cords” for maximum strength and elasticity (oooh…wait…where to affix…?)

Okay. After digging suitable, wee sized PA hole, then place one other plank on right side with screwed in metal rings. Oh, hell…just one because she’s only got one arm!

Ensure that the dirt dug up is evenly distributed and not too heavy on plank that is above ground on left side. Do a “test lift” before jumping into grave. If too heavy, remove some of the dirt and redistribute. Conduct “test lift” again if required.

Note: do not bury Bungee Cord under dirt. It needs to be free and accessible! Otherwise you’ll just have to remove all the dirt from the plank and spread it all out again!

After above is completed, jump inside grave.

When inside grave, nestle down and get comfy. Reach over and grab extended Bungee Cord that has been laid over dirt.

PULL HARD!!!

When plank slams down, attempt to hook Bungee Cord hook through ring.

Note: it will be very dark, so you will need to feel for the ring if you’re not a lucky shot, PA. If you can’t find it after time and you get too tired, your breathing will become shallow due to oxygen deprivation. So, if you can’t find the hook, not a problem.

You know, I am so productive (relative term?) during the week but everything seems to fall apart during the weekends. I don’t know why that is. I could just say it is “pure exhaustion,” (now how many times have I typed that–or in various forms–on my blog recently?)

Is it the lack of “structure” in going to “Fix Me Up” and then a wee trail off into ADD Land when I am left to my own devices? I mean, sure I’m still living in ADD Land despite my blessed Biphentin. It gives me an edge but it’s not a surefire way to keep me completely on the mental straight and narrow (and I don’t mean 100% of course…no one is…not even NTs.)

No, everything still seems to fall apart on the weekends. I just can’t seem to get *sigh*…well, wow…a lot of stuff…

And you would think it would be easier, right? I have more time. I don’t have any appointments so I can make better use of my time. Ding! Ding! Ding!

Oh, wait. Did I mention something about ADD up there earlier? Erm…yes. There’s this little “thing” about AD(H)D called “organisation.” Or perhaps better put: “DIS-organisation.” *PA laughs uproariously* Indeed. It is true. And I have always required stability, routine etc… to help me stay on as much of an even mental keel as possible.

And speaking of being disorganisied…

It’s almost end of day/night and I am now just signing on to my blog. I haven’t even looked at my comments yet!

Sincere apologies.

I think I am supposed to be going to “that media event” tomorrow night that I mentioned earlier but everything is still up in the air. I don’t have my business cards yet. Shit. They are on order now. I am so tired, I really don’t want to go and don’t feel like, “Networking.” I’m not even sure if it would work because that type of thing would probably be appropriate at the “Afterparty” and I don’t know if I’m going to that. Plus, the next day is Merlin #1 and then “Fix Me Up,” followed by two more days of “Fix Me Up” and then who knows what?

Going out tomorrow to this event will be complete sensory overload and possibly (HA! Possibly???) a long night…ugh. Then next week?

I’ll wait for a call from G. tomorrow as she has the passes and when we’ll head down, how etc… Whatever she has planned? If I don’t hear a call, I won’t worry.

I’m giving more “linky-love” to to Gabriel… but it’s just working out that way. We’re not having a…well…we…don’t have an online “thing” going on. *PA giggles*

No, he said that perhaps Blog365 might be driving me mad. The pace of keeping up (and maybe everything else in my life?) could…maybe…I don’t know. Making me more bonkers than I already am? He suggested writing a post COMPLETELY IN BLOCK CAPS!!!

I laughed. Okay, maybe?

However, would that be a little hard on everyone’s eyes?

Well, I do have a fun post to write but I’VE BEEN SO FUCKING BUSY I HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO WRITING IT!!!

I spent HOURS RESEARCHING JUST ONE THING FOR MY JOB SEARCH (but it’s okay because I LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEE research) but I mentioned in a comment THAT I WAS COMPLETELY BUGGERED AS I HAD DONE NOTHING ELSE THE ENTIRE DAY AND EATEN NOTHING EXCEPT A BOWL OF CEREAL!!!

What I was was researching was having my business cards made THAT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE IF I AM TO FIND A NEW JOB!!! What I found out was that perhaps the company I was going to deal with was a bit dodgy AND THAT MADE ME TOTALLY FREAK OUT!!! Why did I freak out? I HAVE A SERIOUS BLOODY DEADLINE AS I NEED THEM BY JUNE 23 FOR A MAJOR FUNCTION–SUPREME NETWORKING OPPORTUNITY!!!

I just went with them anyway and ordered them now. However, I thought they had a three day “Rush Shipment Option.” No. APPARENTLY IT’S SEVEN WHAT THE…I THOUGHT I SAW IT ON THE WEBSITE AS THREE FUCKING DAYS THE OTHER…DAY!!! Do the math from today’s date.

So if I give them a one day grace period…I JUST MIGHT MAKE IT???

Alright, I’ll be back to maybe not shout so much later. *laughing*

Oh, wait. PA CAN’T DO MATH TO SAVE HER LIFE!!! DO THEY MEAN SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS???