Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Give Peas a Chance

So, seeing as the last post caused, apparently, some headaches, and gave at least one person the spins, I figured that it might be time for a light photographic essay or two.

If U Ask Her What She Had 4 Breakfast

This is What She'd Say...

Starfish and coffee; maple syrup and jam...

...Butterscotch clouds, tangerine...

And a side order of ham.

Okay, so that last one was a banana. But you can trust me that the one before it really was butterscotch cloud infused with zest of tangerine. Organic, of course. The starfish was fresh-water farmed. And the coffee? Decaf.

That's how we do things Chez Bad Mother.

(I'd wanted to do some sort of literary commentary here, pairing up WonderBaby's foods with Great Works of Literature - War and Peas! Banana Karenina! - but it seemed forced. Prince lyrics, however, can never be forced.)

Blockhead

These blocks are currently WonderBaby's very favorite thing in the world. If she catches the slightest glimpse of them, or even hears the clack of wood block on wood block as Mommy's foot knocks by them (because, yes, I am lax, lax, with the tidying), she will hoot and whoot until she is within grasping distance. Preferably sitting up, with the box at hand to pull the blocks out of, but propped up on elbows on tummy will sometimes do. And she will sit and play with them for loooong stretches of minutes. And Mommy sits on the floor and plays with her for a while and then brings laptop and coffee to the floor and the two ladies sit quietly together, occupied with their letters. And it is good.

But I've recently noticed that some of the blocks - which have letters, numbers, and simple pictures stamped into them - are a bit odd. The numbers and letters are straightforward enough, but some of the images, well...

Okay, so that creature in the middle of the left column, that's some kind of stylized horse, right? That's my guess, but I'm not sure. The creature on the bottom right block is what, though? Whiskers but no ears; legs and a stubby tail. The head is seal-like, but the rest of it?

And the one on the uppermost right? A factory, maybe? Workhouse for children with smokestack? Or is it a rocket?

The uppermost left block is, the Husband says, a gondola. Which strikes me as an odd subject for a picture that is stamped on a child's wooden toy block. But then I thought that it was a bunny with a spear through its head, sitting on a hunk of mouldy cheese, so what do I know?

I don't even have words, funny or otherwise, for the picture on the block that is middle of the righthand column.

And the bottom left image is clearly a bottle of Ambien or Xanax.

So what, I ask you, is a child (or a parent, for that matter) supposed to make of these? What will I tell WonderBaby when she is old enough to ask what the pictures are? That's a picture of the bottle of little pills that help Mommy sleep, sweetie...

I suppose that the beauty of these blocks as playthings is that they will encourage her to make up words and to invent explanations for the pictures. A rockethouse! A kittyhorse! A jar of magical beans!

But until she is old enough to explain these pictures to me, I'll have to turn to you. Please, anyone, WTF are they?

Maybe the drawings are supposed to be vague as some sort of new-age teaching method? We don't want to stifle Wonderbaby's creativity by telling her, "No, it's a horse. It has to be a horse!"

The middle right one looks like some sort of jellyfish blob consuming a table. And that house clearly is for smokers - just look at that exhaust pipe! The upper right one does look like a gondola - where the hell were these blocks made? Switzerland?

Maybe the drawings are supposed to be vague as some sort of new-age teaching method? We don't want to stifle Wonderbaby's creativity by telling her, "No, it's a horse. It has to be a horse!"

The middle right one looks like some sort of jellyfish blob consuming a table. And that house clearly is for smokers - just look at that exhaust pipe! The upper right one does look like a gondola - where the hell were these blocks made? Switzerland?se blocks made? Switzerland?

Jellyfish blob, hmm. And although 'turtle' seems so simple, I've never seen a turtle with stick legs. Although maybe these *are* Scandinavian blocks, and maybe Scandinavian turtles have stick legs...

If one if these *is* a lilliputian, I'm going to guess that it's the turtle-y blob. Although maybe what that is is a lilliputian transportation device.

You'd think that I have too much time on my hands, wouldn't you? I don't. I'm trying to avoid marking papers. And it's too early to be drinking as an avoidance measure, even if I was capable of drink, which I'm not...

I think the right middle on eis a monorail. Not funny, I know, but I think it is. And I think you're right about the gondola, but I think the jar is jam. I have NO idea why that house has such a huge chimney, though, unless it is housing a grow-op.

By the way does WonderBaby get much food down to her belly? I'm trying to get the Doodles to start on solids but she wants nothing to do with it. Unless she can get her paws in it & smear it all over her & the Bumbo - then it's heaven. Plus the change in poop output is uh, strange to say the least.

Hey! I love what you did with the blocks! Laughed aloud actually...and don't feel bad about the coffee. My dictator has been drinking coffee (and not decaf either) for weeks. She loves it...Of course, it is very very very watered down, with milk...But whatever....

Also, can you e-mail me where you got that Motha shirt on your darling babe? I want one - maybe for me and for the dictator...

I decided to get the opinion of my four year old and here is his take:Upper left - a one-armed robotUpper right - mommy's necklace (I don't wear a necklace BTW)Middle left - a dinosaurMiddle right - a piece of an airplane being fixed at the garage ?!?Bottom left - jar of grandma's jam (she doesn't make jam)Bottom right - a cat holding its breath

Monorail! Ah. Weird subject matter for a block, but hey. Probably more appropriate than an airplane humping a park bench. And possibly moe explicable than a yoga-posing seal. And although Jezer 'Jezewhiz' is probably right about the Cheez Whiz, I'm still thinking that the jar *must* contain 'special' pills.

(MegaMom, you must not have been able to see the pictures of the magic blocks. Or maybe only people who take the special pills can see them.)

These are all hysterical.

Bunmaster - WonderBaby keeps her food down fine. She loves it. There is a lot of rice carnage on her Bumbo afterward, but for the most part she really gets into it.

(And, all? Butterscotch clouds are a little something that I whip up out of caramel ice cream topping and fairy dust after taking the special pills and listening to Prince's 'Starfish and Coffee.')

Can't help but wonder if these blocks were made in a country where factories, gondolas, and light rapid transit (middle right) are considered items that babies better get used to, and fast. Not to mention that they will need to know how to give a urine sample before they will be given entry into the eugenics lab at their local zoo.

I believe these are baby heiroglyphics, and clearly the images are meant to represent key elements of the infant psyche, in which case we can assume they are figurative, rather than literal renderings.

Did you buy that? Yeah, me neither. I don't have any idea what those things are supposed to be. I'll take a stab at the equine looking creature and say it's a Dinosaur.