Philadelphia School Admins Search Little Girl with Paper Gun

In a horror story that must have shocked young children into lifelong nightmares, a Philadelphia fifth-grader made a gun out of paper last week and brought it into class. Thanks to the intrepid work of the officials at the school, though, crisis was averted – an administrator at D. Newlin Fell School inspected the little girl, Melody Valentin, in front of the class. This process, unsurprisingly, failed to turn up any heavy military ordinance. Nonetheless, Melody received a stern talking-to.

According to little Melody, she had gone to throw away the paper gun and one of her intrepid classmates notified the relevant authorities, stopping the threat of paper weaponry in its tracks. “Hey yelled at me and said I shouldn’t have brought the gun to school and I kept telling him it was a paper gun but he wouldn’t listen,” said Melody. Melody’s evil grandfather had folded the gun for her the day before.

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After the gun was removed from the classroom, Melody reported that her classmates began labeling her a “murderer” – which just goes to show the state of Philadelphia public education.