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Woodling: Co-parenting suggestions for when ex is difficult

Co-parenting can be tough if one of the parents does not live up to their end of the divorce agreement.(Photo: fizkes, Getty Images/iStockphoto)

I see a wide variety of local clients every day and there are some pretty significant questions that I get — some of those are relevant to the larger community. This column serves as a way to answer the most frequently asked mental health and wellness questions for the benefit of all Space Coast residents.

Kristin Woodling, Pamper Your Mind(Photo: Provided)

Q: After years of couple’s therapy, I decided to divorce my husband approximately three years ago.

We have children in their early teens which we co-parent 50/50.

My ex-husband is very difficult to communicate with. The issues we had in our marriage are still present in our co-parenting relationship including dishonesty, lack of personal responsibility, passive aggressive comments, no empathy for others and making his needs the top priority.

The children are getting old enough where they are picking up on these patterns as well.

Our therapist at one point suggested he had a narcissistic personality disorder. I’m trying hard to keep things as peaceful as possible, but it seems impossible sometimes to communicate peacefully with him if I don’t just give into his every demand.

Any suggestions for co-parenting with someone who is possibly narcissistic?

A: At the root of a narcissistic personality disorder is a very deep insecurity that likely stems from a childhood wound, possibly emotional neglect from one or both parents.

These individuals learned at a very early age they needed others approval to feel okay with themselves.

This is an insecurity that most of us have experienced to some degree in our lifetime. But for a person with narcissistic personality disorder this insecurity is so painful they will go to extremes to fill this void even at the expense of other’s wellbeing.

They will take on a persona of how they want others to see them and work diligently to uphold that persona even though deep down they do not believe they are capable of being that person.

Anything or anyone that may risk exposing their insecurities or flaws is strongly rejected.

This is why they struggle to take personal responsibility and often deflect or minimize their role in mistakes or wrongdoings.

To acknowledge they are in the wrong would mean they must be vulnerable enough to admit that something might be flawed within them.

In the rare occasions where they do apologize it is often not genuine and more of a means to get to where they are trying to get to in the relationship.

This also explains why people with a narcissistic personality disorder rarely will seek or accept help, because that would require facing their personal weaknesses, which can feel overwhelmingly vulnerable.

Understanding the root issues of a narcissistic personality disorder will help you respond more effectively and depersonalize their behavior.

The key is to focus on what is in your control.

You will probably not get this individual to genuinely consider your perspective or change their behavior.

The part that is in your control is setting clear boundaries and remaining calm while refusing to engage in conflict.

If your ex-husband suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, your decision to leave him likely threatens the persona he desires to uphold.

He may try to cope with that threat with attempts to put you down in order to build himself back up. He may try to make himself feel needed and important in your life still.

The more you engage the more material you give him to manipulate into that desired persona.

Do not engage in any conversation other than what is needed related to co-parenting. Do not provide him any additional personal details of your life.

Keep discussions related to the shared parenting as cut and dry as possible. If he pushes back on the parameters of the legal plan, calmly remind him of the agreement and note (in the least threatening tone possible) that if he is not willing to follow the court ordered plan, you will need to take the plan back to court a to make the necessary adjustments.

Keep it that simple and do not engage in an argument over it. This keeps his choices between him and the court and not between you and him.

Keeping calm is important. Negative attention is still attention. If you are reactive to his negative behavior or comments you may be unknowingly encouraging the behavior that is most frustrating you.

Most people who find themselves in a relationship with an individual with narcissistic personality disorder eventually struggle with low self-esteem.

This is a result of being told you are not good enough and it is your fault over and over again.

Seeking resources and help to build back your personal self-confidence will be extremely helpful in setting healthy boundaries with your ex.

If you have a question related to emotional well-being that you would like to submit for consideration to be posted and answered in this column, you may email your inquiries to kristin@pamperyourmind.com

Kristin Woodling is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Chief Executive Officer of Pamper Your Mind LLC in Satellite Beach. Details about the practice and services provided can be found at pamperyourmind.com