October 2, 2011

Running With Injuries

This week was rough, mentally.
I've been very demoralized.
My SI joint is out of place, and as a result...
running really hurts.
Really hurts.
And whether I'm fast or not...running keeps me sane.
So having a week when the one thing that relieves my stress all of a sudden has become a huge stress trigger...it hit me hard.
And then, I just got really down.
All of those questions sweeping in...
the,
"What is my purpose here?
"Is this really where I am supposed to be?"
"Does anyone need me here?"
"Did I make the right choice?"
questions.
It's hard sometimes, because I felt so perfectly in place in Florida. I had a purpose there. I knew that it was where I was supposed to be. I was needed. I knew I made the right choice. And to go from such a strong confidence into a place where I'm still battling my pride over the very fact that I'm at this school, I tore myself up inside.
It's not that I want to go back in time.
I don't.
I just want the assurance that I felt while I was in Florida.
But besides the cut and dry fact that this is where God has led me for now...
I don't know why I'm here.
Demoralized.

But this week we had an extra credit, student led chapel. I snuck into it at the last minute.
And I collapsed into the arms of Jesus.
Pure prayer.
Unadulterated worship.
My heart on the line.
My future thrown out of my hands.
My past pushed aside.
Just me and my Savior.
It was everything that I needed.
It was beyond what I expected.
It was God sweeping into my heart and dusting me off.
Picking me up from the floor.
Assuring me that I will never see the full picture.
I will never know if I made a difference in the lives of my friends in Florida.
I will never know if I'll ever make a difference here at SNU.
But the point is, I have to try.
I have to trust in God.
I have to run this race till I'm crawling.
I have to keep moving.

And then as if that wasn't enough, I've had some major time to connect with some of the girls on my team over the past few days.
Late nights talking.
Honesty.
Total open hearts.
And I don't know what he's doing in their lives, but God is taking my brokenness and leading me through it right now.
I've been so encouraged by the friends I have around me, every day I'm so thankful for this cross country team.
Having their support is getting me through these doubts and the discontentedness that I am battling.
They probably don't even realize how thankful I am for them.
Especially on weeks like this week, weeks when I have been so down and ready to just get in my car and drive till I can't see this state in the rearview mirror anyone.
Instead, I'm seeing friends sitting in my backseat, rocking out to Death Cab for Cutie and The Goo Goo Dolls on our way back from from an awesome night at Bricktown...
and I'm shushing up about the things that aren't what I expected.
This race is taking me to places that I never expected to go.
I booked it on the first leg, I've been running this year with a passion that I've never felt before, but now that I've hit a hill...I'm crawling.
I'm pushing up this hill like it's Mount Everest, but I'm still moving.
I'm not giving up.
And I'm learning over and over again that I'm not running this alone.