Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Ok, i've got some questions

Ok, I'm back. It's been a while since I've posted, but this past week's episode really got me thinking, and I have to express my thoughts somewhere.

I thought that no one annoyed me like Chloe, but I've been proven wrong. President Logan makes me want to Vote President Bush into office for another 17 terms. Did he hire Jimmy Carter as his "Terrorist negotiating specialist"? Isn't there some class you can take as a President called "How to deal with situations without your version of the Peyton Manning face"? Here's an important question: is Arod more clutch than President Logan? If President Logan were a baseball player, what would his average with runners in scoring position be? .000? Would he even be capable of the occasional sacrifice fly? We need the good people at Baseball Prospectus to take care of this.

Which of course begs the question: Who in the hell was running against President Logan in the previous election? Carlos Mencia? Buster from Arrested Development? Jim Bowden, the worst Baseball GM I've seen in my lifetime? Did Gilbert Grape make an appearance on the ballot? The only other viable option is Kevin Federline, but he had to be too lazy to research what a "President" was.

Was he running against Ray Frikkin Nagin, the insane Mayor of New Orleans? Did Nagin run on a campaign based on making LA "A Chocolate Haven" or something like that? Seriously, we need to know more about this. Maybe Logan was wearing a mask of David Palmer during his entire election tour, and only took it off after he had won. If not, what does this say about we, the American People (well, you the American people. I'm from Puerto Rico and as far as I'm concerned that's another country)? I'm pretty sure this is Fox's way of telling us we're stupid. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, I dunno.

Think about this: the country was being run by David Palmer. The man trusted JB (remember, we're not allowed to write His name; if you need further explanation, see my first post; The one about orthodox Jews), stopped terrorists about 400,000 times, punk-slapped his cheating, lying wife, saved the World more times than i've fantacized about Denise Richards, and did this all as our first black President. And he did it while looking good. AND he did All-State insurance commercials on the side. By Contrast, "President" Logan (I put this in quotations because I don't think he deserves the title, much like "President" Bush") has screwed up more times in two seasons than Courtney Love has been in rehab. No one is worse at dealing with adversity than he is. I mean, have you agreed with a single decision he's made? Logan is the guy who makes what my friends and I call BLD's, or "Bad Life Decisions". You know him, we all have friends like him: he's the guy who will go on a date with the girl from Craig's list when everyone knows she's at least a deuce, deuce and a half on a good day. He's the GM who signs Adrian Beltre to a 5 year 64-million dollar deal when the rest of the GM's in baseball are softly chuckling to themselves, and even Scott Boras is giggling like a raving idiot. Or in basketball, he's the guy who signs Mark Blount to a long term, expensive deal. In female form, this is the girl who sleeps with Shawn Kemp, asking "what's the worst that could happen?".

(note: this is not to be confused the the DLD, or Dominos life decision. The DLD comes from a common college problem: being ragingly drunk and thinking that only thing in the world that would make you more happy would be a Pepperoni Pizza from Dominos along with the Buffalo Chicken Kickers, and maybe 2 litters of Coke. You know you'll regret it in the morning when you wake up with delicious buffalo-chickeny goodness all over your pillow, but at the time it seems brilliant. It's just not important enough to be called a "Bad Life Decision". Other common examples of DLDs are going to see "Flight of the Phoenix" with friends, or buying the "Wild Things Box set", when you know you could download everything you need off the internet.)

My point is this: is Palmer to Logan the biggest drop of all time? Has there ever been anything as dramatic as this? And I'm not restricting this to politics; I'm talking sports, entertainment, literature, anything. Off the top of my head, I can think of only one comparison: remember the year when the Sox traded with San Diego for Cesar Crespo, and Nomar ended up missing most of the seaosn, and Crespo was the least productive player any of us have ever seen? I mean, Crespo had a .165 batting average AND On base percentage in 80 AB's. 2 RBI. If Crespo had gotten 400 Ab's that season, he would have accumulated 10 RBI, which Vlad Guerrero got in one game off Pedro martinez a couple seasons ago. Nomar -> Crespo isn't even as bad as Palmer -> Logan. There are a lot of very smart people coming up with crazy stats for baseball, namely VORP (or Value Over Replacement Player). So my question is this: can we quantify things like Palmer -> Logan? Can someone come up with VORPr (Value over replacement President)? What about Value Over Replacement Comedian, or Value Over Replacement Really Hot Hollywood Actress Whose Career Is Only Alive Because We're Waitng To See When She'll Get Naked (Or VORRHHAWCIOABWWTSWSGN for short).

I'm gonna draw this to a close, but two more thoughts before I go:

1) Sean Astin / Samwise Gamgee CANNOT play a serious guy. When he told Audrey in this past episode "Don't threaten me! You do NOT want to threaten me!", I giggled. Out loud. For like a minute. Has a show as good as 24 ever featured a such a blatantly horrible casting job? I mean, whoever plays Chloe is a really really bad actress, but at least she can play a very annoying unattractive cyber-Geek well, right? Did someone owe Samwise a favor? Was this their way of getting the Dungeons and Dragons crowd into the show?

(note: while watching the Lord of the Rings movies, it was impossible to ignore the ridiculous home-erotic atmosphere between Frodo and Sam. This whole time I felt very weirdly about it, like I was missing something. I found out what it is: it had nothing to do with Elijah wood, it was all Sean Astin. I watched "Rudy" and "50 first dates" recently, and Sean Astin just FILLS the screen with homosexuality wherever he goes. it's really really really creepy. Go back and watch Rudy and tell me Sean Astin isn't eyeing the janitor or some of the other players a little bit)

2) I have a prediction on how 24 will progress, but I'm going to save it for another time. Maybe later this week if you're lucky.

1 Comments:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow. That's awesome. Your insights are brilliant even if you are a freaking sports addict. "Shawk Kemp, what's the worst that could happen?" Classic comedy gold. Also, the Domino's thing makes me so happy to know that we had Papa John's. I would kill six Russian Presidents with nerve gas for an order of Bread Sticks with Garlic Sauce right now.