5 More People You Need To De-friend On Facebook

1. The compulsive food/drink photo person.

You honestly doubt that this person has ever eaten a meal you haven’t seen. Thanks for posting your 3 daily meals because everyone actually assumed you were RoboCop and were no longer capable of eating human food. Adding to this person’s shittiness is that all the pictures are of somewhat fancy food. They don’t deem it necessary to photograph burgers or Subway footlongs, because for once that wouldn’t imply that they aren’t better than you.

The perpetrator is usually female, above the age of consent and considers herself a sommelier, even though that outlandish meal cost so much that she had to snag some Yellowtail from 7-11. Usually this girl is an old college acquaintance, but now the she’s worn thin on you and the time has come to de-friend her.

2. The smug douchebag political pundit.

This person (usually a guy) graces your newsfeed multiple times a day with incredibly biased and absurd statuses leaning toward whatever group or party he supports that day. He shares an article from the Huffington Post or Drudge Report and acts like it’s classified information he had to blow someone in a dark alley to obtain. Captions above the articles will read something smug like “How does no one know about this?!” or ridiculous nonsense like “If we get enough likes we can retroactively impeach George W. Bush! Please share!” This guy sucks, and he sucks fiercely. His combination of smugness and bias is teetering between amusing you and causing you to want to murder them. The thought of life in prison without parole just doesn’t seem worth it, and that is why he must be de-friended immediately.

3. The instigator.

Similar to the douchebag pundit, The Instigator will constantly try to draw you offsides with his off-the-cuff statuses aimed at shock-and-awe. But unlike The Pundit, The Instigator has done little to no research on anything, ever. His efforts usually revolve around sports or politics, to the tune of “OMG enough of that paralyzed guy from Rutgers already!!!” or “A SHUTDOWN?! FUCK YOU REPUBLICANS!!” He has just set the trap, but don’t fall into it, no matter how much you want to question whether he actually exists on the same plane of existence as normal humans. This guy has the ignorance of Paris Hilton and the reasoning ability of The Terminator. He will ruin your day and possibly be sent back in time to kill your mother. If you must comment on his incendiary status, quickly hit unfollow before his idiot friends blow up your Notifications with equally terrible slop. Then de-friend.

4. The still-in-the-college-mindset shitshow.

Usually an old high school acquaintance, this guy makes it a point to look as wasted as possible in every picture, and his Bug Light/Coors Light is always visible. He’s just living the college dream at 26, although ironically he never went to college because he’s a complete dumbass. While the rest of us choose to keep our alcoholism undocumented, this fucking guy still puts empty beer cases on his head and poses in the same cargo shorts he had when he was 14. He is also the prime candidate to pass out and be drawn on by his friends who also contribute nothing to society. His willingness to be photographed and videoed in compromising positions would make Kim Kardashian join a nunnery. He must be de-friended, regardless of how awkward it will be when he confronts you about it as he delivers your Domino’s.

5. The best life in the world person.

This person is the absolute worst. Every week, they’re running some bullshit 5k to benefit the victims of stray cat attacks, or at the beach in Italy, as you stare blankly at their pictures and wonder how they afford all that shit with no job, a communications degree and only marginal attractiveness. It’s mind-boggling. Their dog is in most pictures, which infuriates you even more because you know that both they and the dog will have the same amount of responsibility when they wake up the next day – aside from choosing between shitting on the lawn or the sidewalk. You need to stay in your wheelhouse of equally miserable people, and this person is just throwing the curve. De-friend.

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Except for number 5, as much as we hate them, I can’t help but see where their journey ends. Who knows? They might be skydiving one day, and be dirt broke with the clap, living in their parent’s basement. It’s better than reality tv really, because you know them.

How about that one person who is selling the pyramid dietary supplement scheme, i.e. Herbalife. On my friends list I have a brother and sister who do it. They are constantly posting about how great it is, where the next 5 AM outdoor workout will be or posting a photo of how empty the gym is at 10 PM on a Saturday night.