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Monday, November 16, 2009

Colbert's WØRD on Same-Sex Couples

On tonight's Colbert Report (Comedy Central), Stephen Colbert used his "THE WØRD" segment to talk about "Skeletons in the Closet": the rights we should or should not give to gay couples. The full transcript and embedded video follow below the fold.

Nation, life is full of little ironies, none greater than the fact that God decreed that gays must never marry but then made them such great wedding planners. Gays, I believe thou hast been punk'd. But homosexuals just won't give up trying to create a nightmare future where they live in committed, loving relationships. And they don't care who it hurts, folks. Look no further than Washington, D.C., where, if a same-sex marriage law passes as expected, the Catholic Church has announced that it will be "unable to continue the social service programs" it runs for the city, including shelters that serve "one third of Washington's homeless people." I mean, they have no choice: after all, Jesus said, "If you wish to be perfect, go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor ... unless a couple of dudes register at the Pottery Barn, in which case fuck the poor" ... in bed. (That is my own translation from the Aramaic.)

Now, either these gays are too selfish to see that they're ruining God's commandment to be charitable, or that's part of their plan. You see, gays ruin everything sacred. Just look what Michelangelo did to the Sistine Chapel! They'll never scrub that stuff off.

Well, now they're comin' after the most sacred human act of all, and it brings us to tonight's WØRD: Skeletons in the Closet

Folks, last year Mark Goldberg, a Rhode Island resident and confirmed homosexual —

Skeletons in the Closet

(We have confirmed that, right? Okay, good.) — was kept from claiming the body of his partner, even though the two had been together for 17 years and were married in Connecticut.

Check

Not only was he not allowed to claim the body, he couldn't put an obituary in the paper — although that might just be because there aren't any newspapers left in Rhode Island.

Mafia Wraps Fish in Laptops

So of course the left-wing legislature decided to grant gays "special rights," like "the right to claim the bodies of — and make funeral arrangements for — their loved ones."

Exactly! The gays are always trying to steal the best parts of marriage — you know, like claiming the body of your spouse. This is an assault on marriage from beyond the grave.

Getting Fat Together

They're like gay zombies. They start with marriage, but what they really want is to change our minds. That's right: these gay zombies want our brai-ains. Governor Carcieri knows this is even more important than the sanctity of marriage.

The Sanctity of Buryage

You're married for — what? — if you're lucky, 50 years. You're dead for eternity.

And Talking to Jennifer Love Hewitt

Well, folks, I say God did not intend for death to be between a man and another man. Death is between one man and one very hungry worm.

Lost Page of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"

Now, let's suppose that one day — God forbid! — the governor dies. How is he supposed to rest in peace, knowing that, a couple of plots over, two dudes are being gay-dead?

Gives New Meaning to Headstone

Remember, folks: Jesus said, "What is bound on earth is bound in Heaven." If we bury them gay together down here, they're gonna be gayin' it up in the afterlife. That's not Heaven! Heaven is singing in a choir, in a flowing white robe, playin' the harp — you know, "guy stuff"!

Don't Ask How the Gates Got Pearly

And the governor — and folks, I believe that the governor might not be going far enough. If we really want to protect the sanctity of traditional decomposing, it might be time to bar gays from having funerals. Now hear me out, hear me out: I am not a monster. I am in favor of civil end-of-life ceremonies.

Eulogy Delivered by DMV Clerk

It's just like a funeral, except, legally, you don't have to bring a covered dish. And instead of defiling our traditional graveyards, gay people can have their own same-sex cemeteries. We'll call them "same-eteries."

Totally R.I.P.-ped

All the governor and I are saying is that we shouldn't have to watch these people flaunt their alternative deathstyle. So, no open caskets, and no viewing of the gay deceased, because if gay couples are going to die in accordance with their present legal standing, they need to be dead the same way we want them to live: invisibly. And that's the WØRD.