Put a Pin in it

Have you ever had a major life decision to make, that you just couldn’t face? I’m not talking about if you should leave a full time job for a more interesting but temporary one. Or if you should buy a house or not. These are all big decisions, sure, but they don’t really determine the course of your life beyond perhaps a couple of years. I’m referring to the really big life-altering choices. Like leaving your partner. Or ending a friendship. Or leaving your family. Decisions that can’t be “taken back” once they’re made.

I have one of these decisions to make. I have had for the last three years. And I am nowhere near to making a choice. Instead, I have decided to put a pin in it. I live my life every day fully without reference to the issue. I have no feelings on it. I am numb. I live simply as if it did not exist.

Surely this is denial, you might say. And I would say no, it’s not. It’s entirely different. I don’t deny that I have a choice to make. I don’t deny the magnitude of it. I don’t deny the river of emotions that accompany both the decision and it’s eventual outcome. However, I accept that I am not emotionally ready to deal with it. And so, I live my life in the knowledge that one day, when I’m ready, I will make the decision and I will live through everything that comes with it.

I’ve been in that ‘state’ or ‘stasis’ for about a year now, I think. Before that the last three years of a five-year relationship, and before that, well, same story as the last, pretty much, all though, in that case I felt like a best friend was lost. We had a great mental connection, but that wasn’t enough to save us.

If my psychiatrist is correct, I’ve been suffering from chronic major depression. It’s likely, though I seek no excuses, that things with either of these beautiful, interesting, very different women may have worked out if I’d identified the illness in me and found treatment. I’ve lost three cats when I moved on.

The waiting period (from when you know it’s beyond repair because your major life goals and the lifestyle you wish to live are diferent), that’s the killer. Waiting for the time to come when it al gets sorted out and then one person packs his/her stuff and goes. Until that period, there’s this heaviness that persists, like mourning the loss of what was once great about your significant other.

Why do we choose to prolong painful moments or repeatedly empty moments when we can have so much more? Even just being free of a something required from anohter, when you’ve both discussed and understand that you’re just meant for each other. We mourne the good bits, usually way back at the start of a blossoming relationship. Everything is new. Those moments trap us. But we can move on and escape the slow, painful, downward spirals.

*Took my sleeping pill about 30 minutes ago. That means junk could end up on here that will surprese me tomorrow …

I wonder if it’s fear? Sometimes being in a relationship with someone has come to define us. We are part of X&Y, the couple. Who would we be without that to identify us? Do we want to be known as ‘X, my single friend’? It might seem crazy to others, but sometimes being part of something flawed is better than being part of nothing!

The slow downward spiral is awful. I hope that you can take something from the relationship. Something you’ve learned about yourself or maybe even learnings about what you DON’T want next time around!

In part, absolutely. But I know myself well now, and I actually like the ‘invididual’ me more than the me that’s composed of X&Y. In fact, the latter really gets on my nerves. I feel as though I’m giving up so many of the things I could be doing if I were alone.

That’s just me. Might have something to do with having major depressive episodes frequently for more than 20 years. Like a cat that wanders off when it’s about to pass on. Only … less suicidal than that sounds.

I just have so many things I want to do, probably because of so many *perceived* failures over so many years. For every failure, there are at least two things I’d like to do to try to make up for screwing up so often and all the time that seems to have been wasted (although that last part is debatable).

Anyway, right now I feel that ‘being a part of something flawed’ is making me feel even more flawed than I already feel on my own. And I’ve really lost most of my patience. I want to finish the constant grieving of the relationship’s inevitable demise and heal, and start building.

So I stay REALLY, REALLY busy to keep my mind off the waiting, and to keep us away from each other as much as possible. But there are moments in each day when it feels so rotten, like when we go to sleep on our own little futons (Japanese beds on the floor, not the IKEA junk). We coexist, and have been for months, if not longer than that. I would rather be single and alone than in a completely disfunctional relationship.

You said it. Wish I could add an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence, but it’s so damn bitter-sweet, isn’t it? I look forward to a resolution, but it’ll still hurt. Always does when you part ways with someone you’ve loved and continue to love in your particular way (which is certainly not enough at this point). But it hurts now, too, and has been hurting for a long time. I accept my responsibility for the pain I’ve caused each of us, but a mortally wounded animal should be put down.

Wow, recently my spelling’s atrocious! And key words, like “NOT” in “NOTmeant for each other are being left out.

That’s the meds. My second job is actually editing scientific/academic manuscripts for journal submission, if you can believe it! This is one of a couple things I’m currently finding unacceptable with regard to my first antidepressant ‘cocktail’ (might as well make it sound more glamorous than it really is).

Another uncool side effect would be the goddamn cotton mouth while I’m in front of a bunch of kids, trying to teach, or basically any time I’m talking to someone. That’s just not working for me. I feel like Jim Carrey in Me, Myself and Irene, honest! Have tried little breath mint thingies, but it’s a very short-term solution. Doesn’t work.

And, although I do appreciate the energy I have now (which is also related to a major shift in my diet back to a nutritional way of life that helped me thrive a couple of years back), sometimes I feel like I want to burst out of my skin or like my brain will hemhorrage, and I’m not interested in taking higher dosages of anti-anxiety pills because I don’t want my brain to go all floaty and soft. But I still drink a bit of coffee during the day (not much at all by North American standards), and I think this doesn’t mix well with the TCAs.

Still, not feeling lethargic (ever) and being able to pop out of bed and accomplish whatever I set out to that day, that’s something I very much appreciate.

Sorry for this long, unrelated reply to my own comment on your post! I actually meant to read and respond to your recent comments and happened across my unforgiveable spelling and absent-minded writing.

It’s funny you say that, my total and utter lack of concentration is my most hated side effect. I used to love to read, constantly had a book or ten on the go. Now, I can barely focus on TV never mind a book!

Sad how the meds give you back certain parts of yourself while taking away others!

Hey there. I completely agree and understand with what you’re feeling here. I also have a current “dilema” (as it were); for me, the time to make a decision is fast approaching within the next six months. I’m doing the same thing – acknowledging its presence every morning and probably a few more times during the day – but I still keep thinking that when the time is right and I’m ready, I will *hopefully* make the right choices.

It’s exactly that though, when people say, “oh you’re in denial” or “you shouldn’t not think about it” or “you should talk about it” or whatever it is they are inclined to say, in my head all I can think is, “but you aren’t me and you don’t understand the situation”. Luckily, a lot of other people understand where I’m coming from but of us, no one is as close to this problem and its necessity for resolution (at the moment) so it kind of feels like I’m the Guinea pig. Hah.

But, I digress. You will make the right decision when you are there; the fact that you can talk about this and in a sense “be numb” but confront it knowing that it’s there is a good sign. I may not know you, but I believe in you.

(and then, there’s always the, well sometimes if you make the decision you will have something lifted off your chest – but we all know, unless that was a decision that was made of complete volition, it has a higher chance of not ending up like that).
Best of luck.

It’s so great that have others understand. Nice to know I’m not the only one trying out this concept! I think it’s actually quite emotionally mature of us to acknowledge that we are not ready for this decision and so better to put it off than make the wrong choice! Hopefully when the time comes you will know what to do my friend!