I’ve been sporting an upper respiratory infection as of late, so anything that doesn’t involve coughing up internal organs hasn’t been high on my list of priorities. Every time I gave writing a shot the flu medicine influenced me to write something completely insane before lethargy and confusion took over. Here is an excerpt of my writing filtered through a medicine and phlegm induced haze:

“I would really like to see someone give birth in space. Like into an airlock or something so they could clean the baby off, pull it inside and then blow all of the unwanted stuff out into space. It would be a lot easier than having babies on a bed or in a pile of clothes.”

In the last few months, I have been spending a lot more time with infants and I have realized a few things. Spending any substantial amount of time with a baby requires a person to make a few slight adjustments to their normal behavior. The one that is probably the most difficult is the willingness to change a diaper. No matter how much you love any child, you will never ever love its excrement. Nobody wants to change a diaper because they know very well what is going to be in there waiting for them. I have given this a lot of thought and, if this were my world to make, I would change it up so you wouldn’t always know what you were getting. A lot of the time it would still be poop but, every so often, you’d find little treasures like a gold coin or a note from the baby thanking you. How sweet would it be to find a plastic dinosaur, half a sandwich or an autographed photo of Mark Twain in the diaper instead of just business as usual? I am suggesting that it would be very sweet indeed, my friend.

Note: Real babies cannot talk. That would be ridiculous.

I am unsure who I would go to in order to turn this concept into a tangible thing but it would be well worth their time. Imagine it for a moment. Instead of people trying to convince each other to change a baby, they’d be fighting to see who gets to that it first. “What sort of magical wonderment does it contain it this time?!” people would ask excitedly. Every time a baby grunted, a look of delight would come across the face of anyone within earshot. Parents would host elaborate parties for all of their friends and there would be games where people tried to guess the prize.

“Um, a bracelet! Wait! A Ship in a bottle! No, uh, a three cent stamp from 1924!”

Decades later that same baby told his parents that this was going to Say Good Bye To Hollywood because he was in a New York State of Mind and moved to52nd Street where he worked at an Italian Restaurant until he married anUptown Girl and moved to Allen Town. Eventually though, he lost his job and shot himself. Don’t ask me why.

I hope you’re a BIlly Joel fan, or else I just wasted like seven jokes on you.

Baby magic aside, there are a lot things I’m working on right now. I honestly can’t say where I will be within a week on any one of them but it’s creatively, socially, medically and financially full steam ahead. I’m either going to make it all happen or derail like the Hammond circus train wreck of 1918. If that ends up the case, bury me at Showmen’s Rest with the rest of the Hagenbeck-Wallace Circus.

I’m not going to lie to you, I may have recently read a book about circuses of the twentieth century.

Whoa, someone is pulling out all the stops tonight with the Joel puns. Cindy had some good ones too but not with the machine gun pacing of yours. How do you come up with them so quick? You should “Tell her about it” sometime.

Ever seen one of those dopey middle aged blondes walking that dog that looks like a bejeweled manicured and perfumed rat and stopping so “Baby, baby now, come leave mommy a little present.”? A little present of poop, huh. No wonder husband’s an alcoholic with a pipe. Just once I’d love to see a giant hawk swoop down…..

polsky, i can’t say enough about how much fun it was joining you in that great fantasy u came up with – “every so often, you’d find little treasures like a gold coin or a note from the baby thanking you. How sweet would it be to find a plastic dinosaur, half a sandwich or an autographed photo of Mark Twain in the diaper instead of just business as usual?” thx for the ride

Well thanks everyone. I’m sorry when this inevitably evolves into a platform for me to endorse bestiality and torturing children in advance. But it will be pretty sweet to keep me on your blogroll until that time.

hope you’re feeling better friend.
and that would be really cool, if i found a treasure in baby poop. ppl keep telling me
that when i have kids, i’ll be ok changing diapers, cause i’ll love them so much. but i really love my cat, and changing her cat litter still makes me wanna puke. O_o

Just on medicine but it has been quite the ride anyway. Let’s face it, Robitussin us famous for it’s mind destroying abilities- that’s why high schoolers use it to get wasted. I was go delirious with illness and got tired of measuring it out and accidentally took way too much of it with some 12 hour cold relief on top of it. Things got a little weird.

This is so damn funny that I laughed until I was crying… and I just rolled out of bed for the day. GREAT way to start my day! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ll definitely be one of your regular visitors from now on.

Hmmm…I don’t know that even prizes would make me want to dive into diaper changes EVER again. I adore my kids, but the diaper stage was a trying time indeed. I’m a big Billy Joel fan, though, and man – you’ve sure got a way about ‘ya!

Of course, now you will know somewhat of my era by saying this. It could be a lot worse! In my day, we changed the diapers, disposed of the gift in the toilet , rinsed them, threw them in a diaper hamper, carried the hamper to the washing machine, washed them, dried them, folded them and started all over the next day! Phew! Gold coin would have been nice because, then, I could have afforded buying the disposable kind and eliminated, at least, some of that drudgery. Disposables were so expensive back then that they were like gold and used only on outings for convenience sake. :)
My sympathy on the cough. Got the flu shot but still picked up this yucky cough, also…must be something new going around.

That’s true. I went to go see a magic show intended for children at a fall festival and the phlegm took a lot more out of me than I thought. I was dead on my feet before I got home and my friends all seemed that kind of angry/concerned that only best friends can get away with.

I hope everyone looked at you and thought you were a lunatic. “Inappropriate” laughter is among my favorites.

1. I was also recently sick for two weeks coughing up my organs! High five!
2. I love Billy Joel. I would recognize him on the radio at a very young age, hence I learned the piano. Been playing for 13 years/
3. You’re funny.

at this point, i have managed to endure five wondrous but terrifying months of being an aunt. the little guy just started laughing and grabbing, and he wore his first “man-outfit,” (plaid button down, sweater vest, corduroys, and loafers) to my bar the other night. that’s right, he comes to the bar and flirts and socializes. while all the unmarried, childess girls around me (and some of the guys) are dissolving into fits of baby-fever, Aunt M remains stoic in her quest to avoid having children, and it all boils down to one thing.

Shit.

I cannot, will not, MUST not see it, smell it, touch it, or change it. if i can’t manage to marry a stay-at-home dad who’ll take care of it, babies may very well not be in my future at all. you and i would never work.