Friday, November 9, 2012

Hunting the Right Way

Hey look, a dead Viking, or at least a nerd pretending to be a dead Viking. Whatever.

There is no reason why the Lions can’t beat the Vikings on
Sunday.Well aside from the fact that
the Metrodome has become a despicable place for the Lions, full of the
dull-eyed stupidity that runs rampant in that hinterland of the soul known as
Minnesota, bovine beasts lowing while the stadium pipes in false noise to match
their false hearts and Jared Allen dances around like a fake methhead, abusing
poor Jeff Backus who just sits there and takes it and oh the horror, the horror
. . .

Right.There’s
that.But honestly, these are two teams
heading in opposite directions right now and in a league in which momentum is
everything that could – and I think should – make all the difference in the
world.The Lions have won two in a row and
they looked better last week then they did the week before when they looked
better than the week before that and, well . . . you get the point.Meanwhile, the Vikings have lost two in a
row, first to the perpetually mediocre Buccaneers and then to the Seahawks, a
week after the Lions beat them, so . . . yeah.A month ago the Vikings were a good team, headed up and the Lions were a
shitty team, mired in the sort of demon swampland that we’ve called home for
the better part of the last sixty years.But now the Vikings aren’t any good, they’re headed for the oblivion
that’s become increasingly familiar for them the last few years and the Lions
are looking like the team we all thought they could and should be.The NFL, like many things in life, is
capricious and strange and these things just happen.

I don’t want to spend this whole post shitting all over the
Vikings though – well, actually I do want to do that but I don’t feel like I
should, because here’s the thing – it doesn’t do us any good as a people to
constantly denigrate our foes, to pretend that they are all shit while we’re
the kings of turd town.We do that way
too much and frankly it’s kind of annoying.Look, the NFC North is the best division in football.It just is.The Bears are a really good team – don’t argue with me because you’ll
only reveal yourself to be a slave to your own prejudices – the Vikings aren’t
nearly as shitty as we all thought they would be and the Packers are still the
Packers, even if they’ve struggled a bit this season.It’s one thing to hate your enemy and to wish
a pox on his house and pray to the old gods and the new for his destruction and
the shame of his family.That is the
natural way of things and it is good.But it is quite another thing to disrespect his abilities because then
you just look like a fool and you end up getting your throat slit because you
refuse to acknowledge Truth and the gods, both the old and the new, have no
time for that shit.

I’m just saying, it does us no good to pretend that everyone
else is awful and that we should never, ever lose because then when we do beat
them, so what? There is no honor in
abusing a cripple.And if we lose, we
descend into either apocalyptic death spirals or we start making absurd excuses
and slandering the fans of teams that are actually good.Frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing and I wish
it would just stop.

I say all this because I want you all to understand that
there is a very real chance that the Lions could lose to the Vikings.It would be absolutely insane and hubristic
to the point of nauseating dementia to try to insist otherwise.Yes, the Viking appear to be falling apart
and their 5-4 record doesn’t exactly paint them as a powerhouse but shit, the
Lions are 4-4 and have already lost to the Vikings once at home so . . . yeah.

Look, I know that contradicts everything I wrote only a few
paragraphs ago but that’s only because I want everyone to understand that we
need to live in reality, and not in some wizard’s fantasy because that way is
the path to madness.I think the Lions
can and should win but the idea that they will definitely win is just dumb,
okay?

Like I said, the Metrodome has been a hell house for the
Lions and the Vikings defensive line has spent the better part of the Schwartz
era hideously abusing the Lions offensive line in a way that would make the
most degenerate Catholic priest blush.This will not be easy.

To make matters worse, the Lions aren’t exactly the picture
of pristine health.Louis Delmas was
apparently the inspiration for Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Unbreakable, St. Calvin is dealing with
fucking nerve damage, and the defensive backfield continues to be a revolving
door of madness and despair.This is not
a perfect team marching in lockstep with blessed destiny.It is a team trying to fight its way through
a jungle of poisoned vines and broken limbs and goddammit, we need to
understand that and start paying that its proper respect.Again, pretending isn’t gonna help anyone.

Every time I think about this game I picture Jared Allen
flying by Jeff Backus, who’s flat on his ass, while Matthew Stafford turtles
and some Nordic looking motherfucker blows a horn and fat ladies cling to their
husbands who all look like Dauber from Coach
and scream and it’s terrible and disgusting and then I have to lie down for
a while.But fuck that and fuck the
Vikings.Really, that’s what it comes
down to.Fuck the Vikings.Fuck ‘em.This is a game the Lions need to win because the Vikings are our enemy
and they’re in our way and sometimes it is as simple as that.

Again, it doesn’t mean that we should piss all over their name
and pretend they are the joke of all jokes, for that is the way of the
fool.We should respect them, fear them
even, because the wise warrior understands that fear is good, fear is healthy,
and fear properly channeled turns into victory and the death of your
enemy.There are many different types of
fear.I am not talking about fear of oneself
or its master The Fear, both of which are paralyzing monolithic monstrosities
that enslave us with chains made of our own pathetic nightmares and
insecurities.I am talking about the wary
sort of fear that the good hunter carries with him, the fear of the beast.The Fear is a hunter and when we run from it
we become little more than mindless beasts.But the good hunter harnesses fear and uses it to remain ever vigilant,
ever wary, even as he stalks, and then when he finally corners his prey he can
do so knowing that he triumphed because he faced reality with bravery and an
open heart.The hunter who just staggers
noisily through the forest, like a besotted fool, drunk on his own bravado and
stupid hubris will alert his prey and then his prey will turn on him, corner him and eat his
heart.We must hunt the Vikings with
wary intent, careful, patient, measuring them, stalking them, until they are at
the edge of a cliff and then we destroy them.That is the way of the wise hunter, and that is the way to glory.

I have descended into utter gibberish again but that is what
happens when you sit down to write with no plan.Okay, give me a second and I will get back on
track.

Alright . . . so yeah, the Lions can beat the Vikings and we
should understand this and cherish this, but we should also understand that the
Lions might lose this game.We must find
balance in our own hearts and our own souls so we can stop crashing through the
forest like drunken idiots, celebrating like fools whenever we manage to skewer
a starving squirrel and collapsing in a heap of shameful tears every time our
prey eludes us.We must look to the
example set by our own blessed football team, the balance with which they
destroyed the hapless Jaguars last week.That is the pathway to righteous enlightenment and we must embrace it
and become acolytes of its Truth.

Clearly, I have become trapped in some sort of strange
gibberish labyrinth and any moment now I expect to be set on by a Minotaur, and
I have probably confused you all with my dueling sensibilities, in one
paragraph defaming the Vikings and promising a noble and glorious victory and
then in the next gibbering about respect and fear and hunting squirrels or some
such shit and warning against overconfidence and I would apologize but that
would make me look weak, weak like Jared Allen’s sense of dignity, and I won’t
have that.No sir.So, instead, I will embrace the notion of simplicity
and I will say, in unambiguous terms for a change, that I think that the Lions
will beat the Vikings.Because, really
all it comes down to is that the Lions have to win this game.They just do.And if they are any kind of team at all, a team worthy of our love and a
team worthy of their and our playoff dreams, then goddammit, they will win this
game.So I’ll say it again . . .

"Every time I think about this game I picture Jared Allen flying by Jeff Backus, who’s flat on his ass, while Matthew Stafford turtles and some Nordic looking motherfucker blows a horn and fat ladies cling to their husbands who all look like Dauber from Coach and scream and it’s terrible and disgusting and then I have to lie down for a while. But fuck that and fuck the Vikings."

That Stafford-eating-turf-while-throwing-a-pick GIF from this last MNF kind of comes to mind for me.

But but but...Reilly Reiff. As in run-blocking great barrier. That is the only antidote to the forces of faux-redneck mad-dog pass-rushing lunacy of Jared Allen. The antidote must be applied assiduously.

Thank the gods that you don't plan what you write. It's what comes out when you are unplanned and unhinged that gives your rants such flava. So keep popping those gonzo pills that are working so nicely and keep the words flowing.

Also, also, I agree about Reiff. If he is deployed effectively, he can hopefully neutralize Allen. But the Vikings ends as a unit - not just Allen - have terrorized Stafford over the last couple of years so who knows? Still, Reiff should definitely make things better and not worse so there is that.

ARMCHAIR LINEBACKER!

Football. No matter what anyone says, this is the true national pastime, and because of that far too many of us have been swallowed up by the monster storm called fandom, spiraling further and further into the abyss until finally, all we can do is holler back, screaming into the void hoping that someone, somewhere might hear our fool words.That is what this blog is all about, giving a voice to those who need to just get it all out because their own team has clubbed them over the head one too many times. We are all idiots, utterly without dignity or decency, but we are fans and we believe despite ourselves that somehow this football thing will someday be worth all that idiocy and pain.If you think you have something to say about your team, or if you just want to say hello or hell, even if you just want to yell at us, hit Raven Mack up at ravenmack at gmail.com or Neil up at neilabfree at gmail.com and before you know it, you too may be gibbering like a lunatic for the world to see. Come, join us, and we will gnaw on the bones of the wicked and the foolish together. Football. What can we say? We love it.

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