Infertility faux pas: What not to say to a woman who can't get pregnant

Author Tracy Buchanan has 'dodgy eggs' and struggled to conceive for five
years. During that time, she was flabbergasted by some of the 'comforting'
advice she got – even from well-meaning friends. Here, she explains what to
say (and what you definitely shouldn't)

Tracy Buchanan was flabbergasted at some of the things people said when she was trying to get pregnantPhoto: ALAMY

Infertility is a tough condition to deal with, not just for the person going through it but also their friends and family.

What on earth do you say to someone who might never have children?

I had ‘dodgy eggs’ that were old before their time, meaning it was near impossible for me to conceive naturally. During the five years I struggled with infertility – enduring three gruelling rounds of IVF – many of my friends were fantastic and knew exactly what to say.

But occasionally, they'd get it wrong. I always knew they had my best interests at heart so I'd never think badly of them. In fact, I'd often laugh to myself. But I sometimes thought a little guide might help.

I felt so strongly about my own experience of infertility that I made the central character in my book, Claire, infertile and examined how it impacts her role in the world. In one passage in the book, Claire says: “It’s how we’re programmed to think. Think of all the books you’ve read, the films you’ve seen. There’s one lesson that usually runs through them: children are the greatest gift of all. Work means nothing. Ambition means nothing. As long as you have children, that’s all that matters.”

Tracy Buchanan

I eventually had a daughter, Scarlett, who has just turned one. Now I want to help other women come to terms with their infertility.

Not to mention their loved ones. So here, affectionately meant, are my top seven infertility faux pas.

Infertility: what not to say

‘Kids are a nightmare anyway, you’re better off without them’

This has to be the one that got to me the most when I was struggling with infertility. It usually came from mums, often accompanied by an eye roll as they watched their beautiful child toddle up to my TV and bash it with a remote control.

‘See, you’re better off without them, they’ll only destroy your house / keep you up all night / subject you to stinky nappies / cost you a fortune’ – yada yada yada.

As they talked, all I’d be thinking was: ‘I’d take a hundred broken TVs, sleepless nights and stinky nappies for just one day holding my own child.’

Instead: Talk about the good stuff your kid does. I don’t mean boast and yap non-stop about them. But I hated people thinking they couldn’t talk about their children in a positive light around me.

You cannot predict someone else's pregnancy. Photo: Getty

‘Don’t worry, it’ll happen, I just know it’

I’m all for positive thinking. But whenever someone used to say this to me, I wanted to scream in their face: ‘But the chances are, it might not happen!’

At the time, my infertility problems felt vast and impossible. I understood people wanted to be positive for me. But when they started getting all Mystic Meg and telling me for the hundredth time ‘it will happen, I can feel it in my bones’, it felt like they didn’t really understand the extent of my problems.

The fact was, statistically, it was more likely it wouldn’t happen.

Instead: Be realistic without being negative and for God’s sake, stop speculating. Let your infertile friend vent without adding your own opinions or dismissing them when they try to be realistic. In other words, listen. The most important thing you can do is make it clear you’re there for them. If they need to talk or ask your advice, they will.

‘I bet you’ll get pregnant on holiday’

This is just one variant of the ‘relax and it will happen’ cliché. There are plenty more and I reckon I’ve heard them all. Yes, stress is a factor in infertility. Yes, being well rested can help in some circumstances. But to an infertile woman who feels like they’re standing at the edge of an abyss most of the time, the advice to ‘relax’ is a tough one. How can you relax when there’s the chance you may never have your own child?

Instead: Arrange a night out to take her mind off it. We infertile girls might find it hard to relax but we’d love to have some fun trying.

Fertility treatment is a gruelling process. Photo: Alamy

'So-and-so got pregnant on her tenth round of IVF!’

Oh wonderful! Just a few more hundred injections, blood tests, legs akimbo … the list goes on. And then there are the financial implications, too.

This was my worst nightmare: spending a chunk of my life enduring intense fertility treatment. Plenty of women will do it, but I just couldn’t. So to hear someone offer this anecdote like it was a positive thing used to make me cringe.

Instead: I had so many appointments when I underwent IVF, sometimes it felt like I was actually enduring 11 rounds at once. Why not offer to accompany your friend to one of her appointments if her partner can’t make it, even drive her there? Having a friend to natter to and laugh with can make it more bearable.

‘There’s always adoption’

I know people who say this are desperate to show there’s light at the end of the tunnel. But the road to adoption can be a long and difficult one. So it really wasn’t what I wanted to hear after a long and difficult round of IVF. Plus, just like fertility treatment, there’s absolutely no guarantee you’ll get a child at the end of the journey.

Instead: If you feel like your friend’s running out of options but they don’t seem keen to talk about it, then don’t. Sometimes, I got so caught up in my infertility that I craved normal conversation and something to make me feel like my old self.

Is your infertile friend happy for others? Photo: Alamy

Oh, I didn’t mention so-and-so was pregnant, I thought it might upset you’

Opinion is divided on this one. Some people going through infertility hate hearing about other people’s pregnancies. I didn’t mind. In fact, I hated it when people walked on eggshells around me when it came to good news. When an announcement was made, I’d always be aware of others looking at me with pity in their eyes. Yes, it would sting a little. But my happiness for them would always outweigh it. It was pity that I feared the most.

Instead: Try to get a sense of whether they want to hear good news or not. Don’t make a decision – and walk on eggshells – before you know how they feel.

‘It’s God’s way’

Yes, I actually heard this from an NHS consultant, like my case was so hopeless, only a higher being could help. Someone even suggested I start going to church then maybe a miracle would happen. This made me feel like a completely hopeless case.

Instead: Do suggest finding support amongst other infertile people. Forums such as Baby and Bump and FertilityFriends were more of a ‘godsend’ than a church would have been.