for those who spend aimless hours online – this is for you

You can hang out together, spend most of your time in their class, be as close as family to each and everyone of them, but at the end of the day; when the cards are dealt and each for his own picks up his hand, you’re not one of them.

I’m not one of them.

I’m no straight A student. I don’t have the discipline, or the memory, or the willpower for that kinda stuff. Most of the time, I don’t really give a damn. But when it turns out that what you suck at is something someone important to you holds up high, the knowledge that you do suck at it comes down on you like a punch in the gut.

And when you really apply that belief into your daily life, great things can happen in a very short amount of time. The funny thing is, it wasn’t too long ago, that I used to live my life constantly over-thinking things; constantly trying to appear better than I actually was, and constantly trying to show people up. I think I grew out of that at least.

The more you live, the more you realize everyone just wants everyone else to be human.

So I took the plunge, about last week. It was scary, and gut-wrenching, and all those other emotions that run through you when someone tells you to jump over a cliff, and that “sorry, we ran out of bungee cord”.

But it was worth it.

Breaking the ice is never easy. Especially if nerves and personal relations aren’t your strong points. But I think, that after getting through the initial stages of awkwardness, it gets better. Way better.

…So much better in fact, that I’ve got a date set this Thursday 😉

High school is kinda a waste of time that way. Or at least, your mindset during high school is. I can’t see the point anymore, of dragging out asking someone out. Especially if you like that certain someone. It all applies to being human again, and that no one is really as spectacular as they tend to seem. To make a point, people don’t look like their Facebook profile pictures everyday.

I’m itching to write the most romantic note of my life now. And the sole person I tag in that note is someone that I want to hold my heart in their hand.

But I won’t. Not yet.

You know why? Cuz’ I regret posting up certain notes that related back to romance, and beauty, and love. Cuz’ now, I’m running out of ideas. And when you know you’ve put your best into those works, it’s pretty darn hard to come up with new ones on the fly.

So yeah.

Mind you, it will come out, it’ll just take a helluva lot longer than all the others.

Just read Felicia’s blog. The post on regrets, life, and everything in between.

…It’s been a while since I’ve used this thing.

But yeah, I can relate to how Zach and Felicia feel. You see people around you; more often than not, close friends of yours, that seem to be ready to take on the top of the world. They climb mountains, make money, form relationships with foreigners of distant lands, are known by almost everyone that matters in the world, and win contests of all sorts. They seem to have a professional hand at everything they do; be it academics, sports, or any sort of recreational activity.

And I know how heart-wrenching it can be to see someone outdo you at something you thought you were good at. Even worse, is when you know that they don’t need to be good at what you do, but you need to be good at what you do. Because at the end of the day, people like us only have those things to hold on to. The go-getters have a list ranging to the infinite.

I used to think I was good at writing. Then I met Joanne. I used to think I was good at frisbee. Then Annei and Shaun stepped into the pitch. I used to think I was good at parkour. Then Ken and Jay came along and did what took me 2 months to do. I used to think I got good at drums. Then I met Sam Saw.

It’s painful. It really is.

There’s no worse pain in the world than knowing that what you thought was good, turned out be average.

And of course there are regrets. You think about why you didn’t pursue all these things sooner, or put more effort into them. You think about why you quit something while you were still making progress. You think about how you just let other people run your life. Worst of all, you think that all these excuses are okay. That “Oh, well, I’m just an underachiever.”

Those kinda thoughts bring you lower than any insult can.

…This is not an instructional post by any means. I have no idea what I can say that will make any amount of regret or pain go away. Truth is, I don’t know what can myself.

Instead, this is a shoutout. A really lengthy version, of “Yeah, mate. I hear you. Me too.”

“But stand tall. The best thing about realizing all this crap now, is that we have the rest of our lives to start the chase anew. And now that we’re older, and wiser, and stronger, our chances of succeeding are so much better.”

It’s harder than anything not to follow the herd. You hear about everyone going to Taylor’s next year for instance, and the first gut reaction is to find a course there just to be in the crowd. But what I’m asking now is what I’ve been asking myself this whole year:

Am I gonna be happy in the long run?

High school is stupid. We chastise each other for being geeks, nerds, jocks, and popular people. We want everyone to be just the same amount of pleasant, and have the same limits to their interests. Sure, it’s funny, and entertaining, but peel back the layers, and what you’re really chastising them for, is for something they like doing. Society, in that way, sucks.

Now, I might very well not succeed in my dream of going to Lasalle College next year, but hell, at least if you see me at Taylor’s, I can tell you that I tried. And trying is important. I know that now, but I didn’t know it then.

‘Cuz when you think about it, if everyone you’re close to in high school died right after you signed up for the same college, how much of a jackass would you feel like? Worse still, if you signed up for the same course.

…So if you just read all that, think about it. What you want. Doesn’t matter what your friends say, or what your parents think. Doesn’t matter if everyone else in the world is standing up against you and your dream. Your job, is to plant yourself right next to it, and nurture it.

I’ve kinda sabotaged myself around certain people by making myself seem like an idiot.

…I mean, granted, I still am an idiot in certain ways, but damn if I don’t know where mice really live, or where Orion is in the sky. The latter, is something we’ll never see, because it’s on the other half of the fucking planet.

Did you know that?

It’s infuriating how people still value someone else’s opinion just because she/he is more good looking/more popular.

I climb walls. I jump from heights that could seriously injure someone. I vault fences. I walk across beams 2 inches wide.

I do all sorts off crap that could kill me if I messed just one thing up. And yet…

And yet, when I look at you…my heart turns from that off a lion’s to a mouse. I’m attracted to you like a paper clip to a magnet, but I’m too meek to do anything about it. I’m afraid that my worst fear is a truth: that you don’t feel the same way, and I really won’t know what else to do after that.

I can jump a 10-foot drop, but I can’t bring myself to tell you that I really, really care about you.