Liam’s Answer

Medical science tells us that farts are natural, and simply indicate that you swallowed some air as you are eating. According to some doctors, it’s even dangerous not to let let the gases out. Those doctors obviously have never smelt the foul reek of a really garlic-y bum burp. Those things are really dangerous.

I can therefore imagine your embarrassment at your problem. Luckily, help is at hand. All you have to do to stop farting is get yourself a new boyfriend.

In any new relationship, there is a time when both parties have incredible fart control. Even if you really need to break wind or die, you can at least hold on until you get out of the room. Sadly, the magical fart-suppression powers of new love diminish over time, and before you know it, you’re both turning the bed into a dutch oven.

Obvisously, you’ve been in your current relationship for too long, and have passed the magical no-farting stage. The only thing to do now is move on.

Chris’ Answer

The best way to stop farting is to change your diet. A number of foods are notorious for creating gases in your intestines than only have one way out. Onions. Baked beans. Beer.

My advice is to eat these foods constantly for a month. Then, eliminate them totally from your diet. It will seem like you’ve totally stopped farting, even if you still break wind every 30 seconds.