David Lassman / The Post-StandardRachel Ristau, a junior at Fayetteville-Manlius High School, shows one of the bricks that will be included in the memory garden she’s raising funds to build on village of Fayetteville property near the senior center. This brick is in memory of her father, who died in 2005.
The profound sense of loss and loneliness Rachel Ristau felt after her dad died in 2005 enveloped her so deeply that for months she felt unable to move forward.

“There was a point where I was so engrossed in pain I didn’t even love myself,” she said. “I really hit rock bottom and didn’t feel like being here. I had tried not to talk about it for so long, and then I realized I had to deal with it.

Ristau, who turns 17 this month, has found a way to help others cope with what she went through. She is creating a “memory garden” outside the Fayetteville Senior Center. The garden is designed to help people who’ve lost a loved one commemorate and remember that person. She’s doing it in honor of her dad, Michael Ristau, who died of liver cancer.

Ristau’s dad was sick for a long time, and Ristau said he never discussed dying with her.

“I always thought death could only happen in the movies,” she said. “I didn’t think it could happen in real life. Then when it did, I felt so alone. Now it’s important to me that others don’t feel that way.”

The ribbon-shaped garden, to be created in the spring, will be lined with commemorative bricks and planted with lots of brightly colored flowers, Ristau said. Dalpos Architects put together a design for Ristau, and she went to the Fayetteville Village Board to get approval for her project.

Ristau said she envisions the memory garden as a place people can go to support each other, as she is grateful for the support her friends have given her through the years.

“I see it as a setting for reflection,” she said. “It will be a place where we can come together as a community.”

Down the road, she’d also like the garden to include a bench, fountain, lanterns and trees. For now she’ll start with the bricks and flowers. Ristau is selling small and large bricks at $40 and $75 each to raise money for the $150,000 cost to build the garden.

The bricks can have loved ones’ named engraved on them or they can have a favorite quote or saying, she said. She would like to have about 11,000 bricks in the garden. She has sold about 100 bricks since she started two months ago.

The idea for the garden, which was suggested by a Wellwood Middle School parent, appealed to Ristau as a meaningful way of memorializing a loved one, Ristau said.

“There’s not just one day when you feel sad when someone dies,” she said. “You need a place other than a cemetery where you can go and reflect on what that person meant to you, and how thankful you are to have had them in your life.”

Rick Duff, project manager at O’Brien & Gere, said he lives near the memory garden site and is thrilled to be a part of the effort.

“Rachel is only a junior, but she has such passion and vision for this,” he said. “She’s willing to listen to all our ideas, and she’s put so much time and effort into this.”

O’Brien & Gere will help with site grading, layout and materials, Duff said.

Ristau said her dad was an avid gardener, and the flowers will pay tribute to that

The memory garden is the most visible way Ristau sees to help others who have suffered a loss, but it’s not the only way she’s worked to remember her dad. She’s held an annual car wash to raise money to find a cure for cancer, and raised nearly $3,000 at the last one.

Ristau also started a “grief group” when she was a student at Wellwood, to help others who have lost a parent. Seven people joined, and Ristau said she focused on group activities and sharing each other’s personal story.

She also ran a seminar in November at Cazenovia High School for teachers and counselors where she told her story and encouraged everyone to be open and share their experiences when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving.

“If you share something, the person will share something back,” she said. “From my experience, I want to help others and show them that grief doesn’t have to be a sad thing. It’s OK to remember and grieve, but it’s OK to be happy, too.”