How to Unrig a Rigged Election

The solution to ensuring that the presidential election isn’t rigged is simple; Use international election monitors. There’ll be several hundred monitors watching the election for various reason already. In fact, rumor has it that Trump is recruiting a nationwide network of poll watchers. A group of international election monitors agreed upon by Trump and Clinton could tell the American people if the election is, in fact, rigged. The problem now is to find a country to monitor the election. Trump and Clinton would have to agree.

No one knows more about rigged election than Russia. The Communist Party has rigged many an election and they could easily spot a rigged election if they saw one. No, wait. That won’t work. Vladimir Putin and Trump are friend, so Russia can’t be impartial.

Another country that understand how to rig an election is North Korea. I’m sure they would like to come and monitor the election in the US. No, wait. That won’t work. North Korea isn’t a democracy. They don’t know how a democracy works. Same goes for Cuba.

Well, there’re lots of democracies in Europe. Surely there’s a country that both parties can agree on. England, for example is an excellent democracy. I’m sure they would agree to monitor the American elections. No, wait. That won’t work. England’s Prime Minister is Theresa May. Trump has offended women. She would never agree to be objective and impartial. Plus, Trump will not approve of England. That’s not going to work.

Of course! Denmark. A small country with a great democracy. Surely no one can object to Denmark. No, wait. That won’t work. The Prime Minister is Helle Thorning-Schmidt – another woman. That also eliminates Germany, Lithuania, Kosovo, Slovenia, Cyprus (North), Norway, Malta, Poland, Switzerland and Croatia. WTF? Come to think of it, Trump has slam dunked most of Europe for not paying their fair share of the cost of NATO. Switzerland would be ideal. They could use the Swiss Guards. It would be cool to have a guard in uniform by each election spot. Unfortunately, the Swiss Guard is too busy guarding the Pope.

Maybe we should look closer to home. Take Mexico for instant. No, wait. That won’t work. Trump has called them rapists and criminals. Canada is certainly an option except they’re expecting a big influx of Americans if Trump should win. Well there’s still the rest of Central and South America. No, wait. That won’t work. Trump has alienated most Latinos.

What does that leave us? China – not a democracy. Additional countries with female heads of state include Sri Lanka, Liberia, Bangladesh, Namibia, Nepal, Myanmar, Taiwan and New Zealand. I think we can all agree that Trump would never agree to allowing any Muslim country into the US to monitor elections. Besides, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Oman, the United Arab Emirates and Qatar all made large donation to the Clinton Foundation. They could not be impartial.

Trump is also complaining that the media is spending more time reporting about his accusers than they are about Clinton’s emails in an effort to sway the public before the election. There may be a grain of truth in this accusation. In all fairness, I think the media should stop reporting anything about Trump until such time as they have given Clinton and Trump the same amount of exposure, at least until the next debate. Oh wait. That’s today. Damn. This is too hard.

Maybe the best solution is to just go ahead and hold the election. If Trump should win, then we know the election was rigged.