This is a long read, but I hope all of you who choose to read it... find the Hope, the Love and search for Peace that I found, and still keep to re read at my loneliest moments..

Dear Gang,For those of you who know me well enough to receive this -- then you can understand the powerin My daughters MemoirsAs a child I grew up having been taken from my family of origin at about the age of 2. Fromthere I spent some time in a foster home until about the age of 9. At the age of nine I then wasplaced as a foster child with my adoptive parents. A process of adoption that took about 3 -4 years before a judge sat me down in his chambers with my parents to be and myself and asked me "Do you want to be adopted?". I answered with a yes only because I felt there was no otheranswer I could give, because the people who provided me a home for the past few years werethere. Even then I felt so responsible for all the wrongs committed in that home and the why myfamily of origin could not keep me. Thus was an additional "I owe", for crimes committedagainst me and to me, and for abuses yet to come. Loyalty of a child is a tremedously powerfulemotion, one strong enough to change a life, save a life and yes to become a core of life.Most of you know also that during those years of my maturing I was sexually abused by so manydifferent men -- the last count was over one hundred. Their names are kept in a book, to date Ihave been unable to re read the list for over ten years. With sexual abuse comes emotional abuse,physical abuse added with alcoholism. My own bouts of various forms of abuses of drugs andalcohol come with this. When I was a girl of about 15 I found an author who sang my words across her pages of herbook. "I know Why the Caged Bird Sings" Maya Angelou. This book tells the story of her ownchildhood sexual abuse, and further books express her maturing living with the effects of suchtrauma. I questioned for the first time in my life then, exactly WHO was responsible for pain Icould not express. During the 1980's I married a man / child who later disclosed his own childhood sexual abuse. Ihad spent 3 years or so divorcing an active alcoholic. A very distinct choice because there was no way in hell I was going to raise my daughters around an active alcoholic. Through the grace of God he is a sober man now. I entered psychotherapy early in the years of my marriage to my second spouse. During these therapy sessions, the silence of my sexual abuse was broken. To date I have spent more time being active in psychotherapy than not.Though She has written the following about her memoirs regarding love. For me I take this andshare it as a tribute to the reality that not only can breaking the silence and cycle of abuse be painful, but that it can be rewarding in the most unplanned ways. She writes of Love, she has as well as her sister always known about the sexual abuse I and herfather have survived. While she did not knowingly write her memoirs about the abuse, thecorrelation and testimony given by her validated me when I was very small self proclamation; "Iwill NEVER do to my children what these people have done to me". Some of you know of the time I attempted to commit suicide by hooking the hose to the tailpipeof the car. What stopped me from completing that act was not being able to decide if I shouldtake my children with me or not. I chose not because if I had then I would have committed theworst of sins, and if I left them to themselves no one could keep them as safe as me. I called asuicide prevention hotline instead. And this my friends is the reality of choice to continue living. I am thankful that I made a choice to work so hard to not repeat the abuses delivered upon me. My pain so that my children really could be the Beginning of Life. And yes its true "They were and are the beginning of a new life for me". May God Bless us All with the ability to know the unconditional love of a child for only thepurest of reasons. ~ With Love, Wifey1 please do not forward or share this as these are verypersonal words for her & myself. She has only given me permission to share them with a few ofyou. Keep these words close to your hearts and draw from them as I have.

Memoirs - Dec 2002Iíve heard many people say that love is an illusion. That it doesnt really exist. I have been lucky enough to be loved and love someone. All of my life I have had someone to love me. I have been privileged to be loved unconditionally. Now, there are several types of love. Love betweenparents and children, friends and lovers. There is love between unknowns; a person can lovesomeone who is unknown to them, just through the emotion of compassion. I have been luckyenough to have been loved in all these ways. Love, when you are a child, mainly consists of the love of parents for their children. MayaAngelou, at the birth of her child was worried about how she was going to raise her son; if shewas going to do the right thing by him. Mother whispered, "See, you donít have to think aboutdoing the right thing. If youíre for the right thing, then you do it without thinking (Angelou 289).The right thing came naturally to Angelou. Perhaps because she was a parent loving her child.Sometimes the most pure form of love is from a parent to a child. Dorothy Allisonís sister wasgiving up when she birthed her child. Her life was about to end, but not in the way that deathnormally comes. It was coming in the form of every aspect of life as she knew it was about toend. Thatís when your mama saved her own life--by choosing it, by claiming it, alone and scaredas she was. By pulling you into the world and loving you with her whole heart. (Allison 85) Children are a beginning and parental love is a phenomenon to me. I have never understood howsomeone could love someone else so much that they would willingly give up their lives for aperson. Perhaps because I am not a parent myself, I donít understand. For as long as I canremember, my mom has always said that she would die or kill for my sister or I. Children arenew beginnings. They can save a life or ruin a life. Mostly, I have seen the birth of a child savethe life of itís mother. Iíve seen my friends look at pregnancy as a curse. They see the coming child as an albatrossaround their neck. Only after the birth of the child did my friends realize that the baby was achance to right a couple wrongs in their lives. They were able to see the baby for more than just a baby. They were able to see the future of their own life. Love also comes from strangers for little children. Who doesnít like to smile or play with babies or kids? "Oh, arenít you cute? My big blue eyes looked up at the strange woman from behind mymomís legs. This strange lady got down on my level to talk to me. Sheís talking baby talk to me.NO! I am too old for baby talk. Iím four years old. I can understand what big people say. Sheístouching my hair. I donít mind because my mom is talking to this lady and has one hand on myhead and the other is touching my sister. "You are so lucky to have such cute children . My momsays "Thank you; they are everything Iíve ever wanted . My little sister looks up at this lady and smiles up behind her great big glasses. "Bye sweeties . The lady left us with a quick touch to my sisters and mine's cheeks. This moment has always stuck out in my mind because of the thing my mother said. My momloves me. Even now her apartment is a shrine to my sister and I. Pictures of us, our artwork,anything we made for her is in her apartment. Love, for my mom, consisted of devoting her entire life to raising my sister and I. I can always remember times when my mother gave something up so my sister and I could have something.Even now, my mom will give my sister or I money even if it means being late on her next rentpayment. My entire image or thoughts of love have been based on my parentís actions towards each otherand my sister and I. I remember a time when my parents left for the weekend. It wasnít until later that I realized what sacrifices went on for that weekend. For months my mother knew herhusband had been hiding something from her. My dad had been taking money for lunch. Weknew that. Heíd take three or four or five dollars for lunch every day he went to work. My dad would come home from work hungry every day. What was happening to his lunch money? Mydad had been saving it in his toolbox for several months. By the time this weekend came about,my dad had saved a couple hundred dollars. He surprised my mother with a weekend awaywithout the kids, away from stress, to be with him.My dad sacrificed eating lunch for several months so he could surprise my mother with aweekend away from everything. My dad has given up plenty for love. Like him giving up lunchfor my mom, heís done the same thing for my sister and I. My dad had seven dollars for lunchand my sister and I needed gas money. I never thought I would get the gas money from my dad.I remember asking for a car when I turned 16. Freedom from my parents meant everything to me.I hated them when they told me I would have to pay for it myself. My parents had this beat-uppiece of junk car that they gave me, but I would have to pay for gas, maintenance, and insurance.I hated that stipulation. I felt they should have given it to me, especially since other parents were giving their children cars in their 16th birthdays. I felt they should have given me the car, as well as all the benefits that came with it. I threw fits about having to get a job to pay for the car. It bothered me so much that my parents and I fought constantly about it. Of course, my parents won the argument and I had to get a job. Looking back, I am grateful to my parents for making me take the responsibility for my car and making me accept that everything had a price that went with it. My sister and I needed gas money, and although my dad was lecturing us, he took out his walletto hand us his last seven dollars so that we could get gas. My dad, through little acts like these, shows his love for my mom, sister and I. The love shownby my dad showed me that some love is sacrificing. The love they have shown me, betweenthemselves and to me, set an example of what I do and want in my own relationships. Due to the example my parents set for me with their own love, I never thought I could find whatthey had. Even if I did find it, I never thought I could have it, so I tried to keep myself from being open to the wounds of love. "... and to love I thought myself immune (Allison 55). I thought I was immune to the love between lovers, until I met XXX.The best way I can show love between lovers is by using my boyfriend XXX and I as an example. We have always had a close relationship. Our relationship started out very interestingas opposed to most relationships. "XXX, come down to my room. I got a phone call at 10 pm from my friend XXXX. We lived inthe dorms, so a quick 30-second walk to her room was no problem. When I got down there, shewas chatting online with a friend of ours who had moved off campus earlier that year. XXXX letme read through their conversation. The gist of which was that XXXI and her fiancee XX had afriend who XX wanted to set up on a date. XXXXX was wondering if I would be willing to talkto his guy. Well, OK. I agreed to talk to this guy on the phone for a while. Then, and only then,would he and I decide if we wanted to go on a date or not. To shorten this story, we liked eachother but the day after our first date, XXXís dad was killed in an accident. I supported him,mentally, the best I could. It wasnít until recently that XXX and I were talking and we got to talking about just after westarted dating. XXX told me that after his dad died, he actually thought about not seeing meagain. He said that our relationship was still new enough that he didnít know if we could make itthrough the hard period in his life. I was puzzled why he did continue to see me, and I asked him that. He told me that it was because he might need someone to escape with, to leave his life behind with. I was hurt. Looking back, I shouldnít have been, but I was. I felt like I had been used. That XXXused me for his own means. Hindsight is always 20/20. I donít know who said that, but itís true.Now I know that even if I was being used, that it is what XXX needed at the time. With the helpof 20/20 hindsight, I know that I was showing love to him or for him even though I didnít lovehim at the time. I unknowingly sacrificed my security in our relationship for XXXís sake. I know that now and Iím glad. Despite XXX and mineís beginning of sacrifice, it has turned into a relationship based not onlove, but on each other. We let ourselves lean on each other and to care for each other. Insickness and in health... isnít that the way the phrase in the wedding vows go? Even though XXXand I arenít married, nor are we planning it anytime in the future, I see our relationship as abeginning to a marriage. I started the night leaning over the toilet bowl. When the sun rose the next day, I was still there.Despite being miserable and trying to keep my stomach from doing flip-flops, I went over toXXXís to spend time with him like I had promised. He saw I was miserable and cuddled withme, knowing that is what I wanted. This was a bad thing in the long run. XXX ended up with thesame stomach flu I had ended up with. Despite knowing that whatever I had was contagious,XXX spent time with me, risking his own health in the process. This next time was my turn totake care of him. I cuddled him and returned all the same treatment he had given to me. We tookcare of each other even though it was a risk to our own health. I know there are all kinds of love and that love requires growth. Love matures as minds mature.If you are a child in your mind, you will love as a child does. The same goes for adults. LindaHogan had the right idea when she said that love grows as time passes and that it requiresgrowth. Until then, what I thought of as love was as immature and unwise as I was. I know now that itis like time; it grows as time passes. It doesnít always make for betterment. It always requiresgrowth. (Hogan 76)Love will grow in all forms. All of my relationships in my life, the love has grown as I have grown. Whether or not the growth is reciprocated depends on the other person. The only way love will last is if both parties grow and the love grows with them. My mom and dad are the perfect example of love growing through all problems. For the past two years my parents havebeen having marriage problems. Even though they say they still love each other, their love wasgrowing through all of these problems. It was strong to begin with, but it was growing strongerwith all of the problems that they were working out. Love grows as a person matures. Every kind of love grows. The love in my life as grownimmeasurably as I have matured. I can hardly wait to see how much more my life and the love inmy life will grow as I grow and mature.

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