pravda: the terrible infant blog

Shortly after the Berlin Wall came down, Steven Seagal’s Hard to Kill was released. This meant the film was shot during 1989 or thereabouts. I’m not saying Seagal was the main reason the Berlin Wall came down, but he definitely had a hand in it. Released at the very beginning of the '90s, it became immediately clear that it would be one of the greatest films of the decade, if not history. Seagal’s had a number of classics and this one is easily in his top five. He plays Mason Storm, a bad ass Detective who’s shot and placed in a coma for seven years, only to rise like Lazarus and seek revenge on the foolish criminals responsible. It’s got action, romance, and dialogue worthy of Shakespeare. Just try to watch it and not get hard, I dare you!

It’s rare that a transcendent piece of art comes your way, but you know you’re in for something special when it’s a Seagal film. I mean, this film just makes you want to go out and find someone to punch in the face and throw through a window. But, it’s not just an action film; it’s much deeper than that. Once Storm awakens after his coma, it takes time to regain his strength, and he does so using ancient Chinese secrets. Why Chinese? Because he’s Mason Storm, that’s why. We don’t need explanations because Seagal is such a great actor that everything he does is believable. When his nurse checks out his dick while he’s in a coma, you can bet there’s going to be a payoff later in the film. That’s what makes a good film, setup and payoff.

We see Seagal struggling to run, but it’s not easy to run with such a huge dick, or so I’ve heard. When he plows his nurse, and real-life wife, Kelly LeBrock, later in the film, you know she’s having a great, randy time, because of the setup earlier. It’s just good filmmaking. And this is a complete film too, great action and dialogue. When Storm finally gets some measure of revenge you don’t get the obligatory monologue of crap. Nah fam, ain’t needed. What you get is one of the greatest lines in cinema history that says everything you need to know, “That’s for my wife. Fuck you and die!” In the industry, we call that making every word count.

Storm’s foil in the film, Senator Trent, is a slick villain if there ever was one. He’s in deep with a Mafioso and won’t let anyone keep him down, including Storm. He sends his goons to take care of Storm and his family. The wife goes down, but luckily the son escapes and Storm lives to fight again (that's how he ends up in a coma). We later see Quintero, one of Trent's main goons, knocking over Chinese folk like bowling pins in his pursuit of Storm. Quintero is a beast, plain and simple, but he meets his match when he goes head to head with Storm. What ensues is a battle between two alpha bad assess, but unfortunately for Quintero he messes with the one guy carrying a bigger stick than him. That's what you call daddy action to the max, people.

It’s rare to not find any negatives about a film, but Hard to Kill is pretty much flawless. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll scream with bloodlust. Hell, you might even shart yourself because you won’t want to leave the couch. It’s all good, this is a movie for men and a little shit ain’t no biggie. Do yourself a favor and go watch this film. Afterward, go pork your fat girlfriend and make sure to do it… hard! Just make sure not to scream Seagal’s name by accident in the process.