Categories

You ever consider suicide?

Got this question:

“This is going to be perhaps the most personal question you’ve received from anyone. With all the remarkable things you’ve experienced as a soldier, with all the setbacks in your personal life, with the setbacks in your professional life – getting the freelance career going et al – did you ever reach a point – and this is the touchy subject – did you ever think of ending it all? Did you glance over to that rope thinking this was your way out? If you do NOT answer this. I FULLY understand.”

It IS personal.

But, I made a promise to tackle this kind of stuff…

So, I’m not going shy away.

If this is too much for you… I get it.

Simply, click away.

So, here’s the thing…

This will probably freak you out about me, but I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts since I was 9 or so. I’ve told you about the car accident my dad, little brother and I were in. One of the things that happened after that…

Was I got told how close I came to dying…

I don’t know how many times.

Doctors.

Family.

I heard it so many times, I…

I don’t know… it was a lot.

They were well-meaning, but that f!@#s with you as a 9-year-old. Then, not long after that I was molested. It was a friend of the family who we saw from time to time and I was just about old enough to feel something wasn’t right…

But, they were clever.

And, it took me awhile before I fully realized what was happening…

And, that it was wrong.

That just made things worse.

In any case, the closest I ever came was (surprise, surprise) about 6 months after I got back from Iraq. I was dealing with PTSD and it had hit its worst. I was working at a pizza place at the time.

And, we always had an evening rush.

I was an assistant manager…

And, had to make sure everything ran smooth.

It was stressful.

And, my body was out of whack in terms of dealing with stress. I used to go outside after each rush was over, sit down by the dumpsters where no one could see me and just bawl my eyes out for 10-15 minutes.

No real reason why…

Other than I was just overwhelmed.

As the months of this wore on…

I considered a lot of things.

The one day I remember vividly… it was raining. And, I was following this semi-truck back home from work. I lived about 10 miles from where I worked. And, the whole way I had this overwhelming urge to just drive into the back of it.

I could’ve easily passed it.

But, I didn’t.

I just sat there staring at it as I drove.

That’s the strongest I ever felt it.

Anyway, how’d I make it out? Well, thankfully, I had (have) an amazing wife who just kept putting up with me. I had a son I just couldn’t leave. But, somehow I found a way to just draw a mental “red line” around suicide.

No matter what happened…

It just wasn’t an option.

That saved me more than once.

Then, and this is going to sound uber cliche, but I found a deeper purpose in life. For some people, that’s religion or something spiritual. For me, it was my kids. It was a legacy and the kind of life I wanted to give them.

And, how I wanted THEM specifically to remember me.

I still tear up thinking about it.

But, once I had that purpose or “mission” in my life…

That stuff mostly went away.

I have no idea if that’s how it works for others…

Or, if that’s helpful to you at all…

But, that’s my answer.

It’s also partly why… while I generally come across as a curmudgeonly bastard, I deep down actually DO really want to help people. I just also have very little tolerance for excuses. Like do it or don’t… but quit bitching.

Your life is what YOU make it.

Don’t like it?

Change it.

Anyway, take that for what it’s worth.

It’s just how I look at it.

Of course, if you’ve been here longer than a minute, you know the drill… web development was how I “escaped”. And, teaching that to people is how I help. So, if you’re tired of making excuses and want to make it happen…