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Dear Abby: Sweethearts struggling with 30-year age gap

June 14, 2017

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Dear Abby,

I’m in my late 20s and have a male companion who is 30-plus years older than I am. We were together for a while, then stopped so we could both try to find someone closer to our ages. Neither of us did, and we recently started seeing each other again.

Although we are good for each other and compatible in many ways, we are realistic that our relationship isn’t long-term for major reasons. (I want children; he’s happy with grandchildren. He wants to travel after retirement; I’m just starting my career.) We live for the moment and don’t dwell too much on the future.

My problem is, this time I’m really falling in love with him. Last time, I was reluctant to become emotional because I was afraid of getting hurt. But this time, I am all in. Can any good come of this? We meet each other’s relationship needs in the here and now, but is the end just heartbreak?

– Loving For
The Moment

Dear Loving,

It’s time for you to start compiling a list of the pros and cons of this romance. You and this man are at different stages of life and have very different goals. If you really want to have a family and a career, you will have to sacrifice something for it, and that “something” may be devoting much more time to this man. Sorry, but something’s gotta give.

Dear Abby,

Recently, my husband and I were walking down the sidewalk in our neighborhood and came across $160 in cash strewn all over the ground. We picked it up, and as we were doing so, our neighbor came outside. We knew her husband had just gotten home, and the money was near his car, so we asked if it might be his. We handed her the cash and told her to let us know.

Two weeks have gone by and no one has claimed it. Our neighbor still has it in her possession, and has mentioned in passing that we should spend it on toys for our kids or food/drinks at the next get-together.

While I think these are OK ideas, I’m a little bitter because my husband and I found the money, and I feel we should be the ones who get to keep it if no one comes forward to claim it. I don’t want to damage the friendship we have with our neighbors, but I feel like we’re losing a bit. What do you think?

– Finders Keepers

Finders Keepers,

I think that before handing over the money, you should have had your neighbor ask her husband if he had lost any and how much. Because you didn’t do that and they have the cash, perhaps you should “remind” her that “per her suggestion,” you would LOVE to spend some of it on toys for your kids, and ask for some or all of it back. If she’s a good neighbor, she’ll agree. If not, you will have learned an expensive lesson.

Dear Abby,

I have a good friend I always invite to attend parties and events. She invariably RSVPs accepting the invitation, but never shows up or explains her absence. This has been going on for years and it hurts my feelings. Do I have to keep inviting her?

– Colorado Hostess

Dear Hostess,

Allow me to offer you some insight: The woman’s behavior is extremely rude. “Good friends” do not treat each other this way. If you’re asking my permission to scratch her off your guest list, you have it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.