I am a Stepmother… but you wouldn’t know it by living any
given month in my
home. Well, aside from a couple of phone calls my Husband makes each week,
that is. In fact, aside from overhearing a conversation or two that we may
have after our daughters have gone to bed, your only clue would be four
photos that we have hanging in our home. They are of two little boys that
you would not have seen playing around our house at all.

If you aren’t familiar with non-custodial families, you
are probably in the
middle of a fevered mental bashing of my Husband. "Deadbeat!", you may
be
thinking. "How can you NOT spend time with your kids!?", or "What
kind of
father ARE you, anyway!?", you might say. Well, if you were to look a
little
closer at our home, you might find a few tidbits of information that may
surprise you.

For instance, you would probably find a telephone log and
a folder full of
long distance bills on our desk. If you were to flip through them, you would
see that my Husband calls his ex-wife’s number at least three times a week
to try to talk with his sons. Sadly, you would also find that he only has
about a 30% success rate. Sometimes there is no answer. Sometimes she starts
an argument over some trivial matter and refuses to let my Husband talk with
his sons. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, she actually puts the boys on the phone.

Perhaps, if you were able to sit down at our desk and turn
on our computer,
you might find a certain folder in our e-mail program. It is full of
correspondence between my Husband and his ex-wife. Reading just a handful of
them would probably leave you speechless. You would find volumes full of
horrible language, pointless threats and cruel manipulations. You would also
find numerous offers by my Husband to pay all travel expenses for his sons
to come spend some time with him. The replies that follow are riddled with
adamant promises by his ex-wife that she will never, ever allow "her"
sons
to go anywhere without "her". Yes, even to go spend some quality time
with
their father.

Dig around a little further, and you will come across a
desk drawer full of
my Husband’s paycheck stubs from work. You will notice the automatic
deduction that he has voluntary taken out for his faithful payment of child
support. It is equal to about one-half of his take-home pay. One thing you
will not find, however, is the first complaint in our home for having paid
it.

During this hypothetical month, you might even be walking
down the hall
upstairs late one evening and, through a cracked door, catch a glimpse of
what kind of father my Husband really is. You would see me sitting on the
edge of the bed with my Husband’s head in my lap. He is quietly crying. He
talks about how deeply he loves his little boys. He tells me stories of
special times he has spent with them in the past. He talks about how he
longs to hold them and look into their eyes. He says he would give anything
just to be able to tell them how very much they are loved. You would see me
softly stroking my Husband’s hair and, with tears in my eyes, promise him
that somehow, someday, this all will change for the better.

It was on a night just like this that our journey as a
proactive
non-custodial family began. The endless research that followed brought us to
where we are today… still trying to change things, but miles ahead of where
we began that night. I suppose that is where my writing career was
conceived… by a bedside table lamp’s glow one evening out of one woman’s
unfailing compassion for her Husband, and one man’s undying love for two
little boys.

My Husband is no "Deadbeat", but there are days
that he certainly feels
"beat-dead". Still, he strives on. I wonder if his children know...
and I
wonder how his ex, and the entire society that has indoctrinated her, sleeps
at night knowing that they don't.

Nicole L. Weyant, author of Striving for Peace: Managing
Conflict in
Non-Custodial Homes, and Managing Editor of www.Step-Family-Matters.com, is
a devoted Wife, a Mother of two beautiful daughters, and Stepmother of two
wonderful sons. Her life-long education in the intricacies of custodial and
non-custodial relationships lends interesting insight to the special needs
of the non-custodial parent and the children they love. Through her ongoing
work as a freelance writer and political activist for non-custodial parents'
rights, Nicole makes it her life's work to raise awareness of the struggles
of the non-custodial family, and hopefully, to Strive for Peace.