In an alternate universe, one where the Union season isn’t beginning to look exactly like almost every other one before it, USSF President Sunil Gulati makes a proclamation that changes everything about American soccer.

You know it’s bad when the Cliff of Union Despair shows up again. In Philly, we all appreciate black humor — it’s always sunny in Philadelphia, right? — so, well … chew on this before the Union’s 3-0 win tonight.