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Claire

Exposition

Prior to the Print Shop episode “A. Malcolm”, Outlander executive producer/writer Matthew B. Roberts, commented on Twitter that he just might go into hiding after the episode aired.

At the time, I laughed because I understood where he was coming from. The Print Shop sits on hallowed ground inside the book fan’s hearts. I laughed at his tweet, but a part of me shivered. I’ve seen the cast, producers, directors, designers, and the writers eviscerated by fans on Social Media. I was actually concerned for him! And, I wondered, if in part, his decision to take on writing the Print Shop scenes was based on taking one for the team! On the other hand, he got to write the Print Shop. What a wonderful challenge. I’ve enjoyed Matt’s adaptations in the past and I know that he “gets” how important this story and its characters are to the fans. I trust him. However, as much I trust him, it is difficult for us book fans to objectively watch the show. There is no way to undo what you already know. There is no way you can completely eliminate how you related to the material or circumvent what you placed importance on. We each read the words on the pages of Diana Gabaldon’s Voyager, but how we each interpreted them is as varied as we are. I have my own personal version of the print shop, as does every other book fan.

Through the last two seasons, I have come to understand and accept what it means to adapt a book for the screen. Fortunately, for me, I have enough life experience and a mind open enough to recognize when my expectations are unreasonable or just plain unrealistic. After reflection, I usually understand that it is impossible for another person to be able to tell this story putting emphasis on just those things I find important because for them it is a slightly or vastly different story than mine. Impossible, a part of me knows it is impossible, yet every week I tune in to see how well “they” told “my” story. I watch with an eye looking for my favorite scenes and an ear waiting to hear the next line of my favorite dialogue. This week was no exception. I know this is a tough concept, but “They” aren’t rewriting Diana’s books, they are telling a visual episodic story based on her books. That is reality. It might be reality, but Matt understands that the reality that he is writing an adaptation won’t mean shite to some fans this week. They will want to see their version of the print shop on that screen.

Imagine my surprise when after viewing “A. Malcolm” for the first time, I was the fan looking for matches and straw.

This week it was difficult for me to deal with reality and let go of the strong expectations I had placed on this adaptation. The material in this episode was just too close to my heart and it felt personal. It took me several viewings to see what story I was actually being shown. So, this is the story of my watching episode 3.06 written mostly in real-time from my immediate reactions… if I sound bit beside myself…I was…DON’T JUDGE ME UNTIL THE END…pretty please with sugar on top?

Act I: With Bated Breath

I’m trying to get a grip because after watching A. MALCOLM, Outlander’s Print Shop scene for the first time, I’m in shock and not in a good way. I have never been so disappointed in an episode in the entire time I have been watching the series. Where is the power, the need? I’m struggling to understand why the focus went where it went especially when it should have been so clear!!!

Focus for the reunion

A couple who have longed for each other for over 20 years are reunited.

A couple are overcome with emotion, as they would be when someone is “RESURRECTED” from the dead!

A couple spends time in awe, touching and staring at each other as they would because someone they love has been “RESURRECTED” from the dead!

Overcome by seeing his daughter for whom all is sacrificed and having the lost love of your life “RESURRECTED” from the dead and sitting beside you, results in an emotional catharsis that only a great love and a great sacrifice could engender!

Instead…

tender exchange with a madam

Geordie

eyeglasses

business as usual

background boobs

lesser dialogue

just less…

I have defended this show and these writers because I could always see a rationale for what and why they did what they did and if I didn’t understand, I was patient because I knew they had a long-range vision for the story and I would know the reason eventually. But THIS moment will never come again and there isn’t enough time to rectify it because “that amount of time doesn’t exist”.

ACT II: Taking Off the Book Goggles

It has taken me hours to calm down. I was nothing short of angry, disillusioned, and sad. I gave myself a little time to reflect and realized that I have felt this way before, maybe not to this degree, but I had felt this before. I forgot to take off my book goggles. So, I’m going in again and going to try to look at what is actually on the screen and not pay attention to the scenes in my head.

Easier said than done.

Alright, so the emotional staring, touching, and shaking was there. Just not in the amount that I expected. I yearned for that “slobber knocker” scene where they cried and shook in each others arms with “longing of twenty years” streaming down their faces. What I got was way too short and left me feeling as dissatisfied as finding out there would be no J and C carved into their flesh, a fight in the abbey with Jamie’s demons or my patiently waiting for that final night that was meant to tide them over for a lifetime and finding it had been turned into a quickie. And, I still can’t even find the words to express my disappointment over the scene with Bree’s pictures. In my mind and heart, it is the most poignant scene in the entire book if not the series. He has just seen Bree…Claire is there….there is closure…his sacrifice wasn’t in vain…so, his reaction is to tell Claire he has another kid? …sigh…WTH?

Claire bothers me. Has her time with Frank beaten her down this much? Has all her self-confidence been eroded? I don’t recognize this mouse. What the hell is THIS Claire feeling? I want the Claire who puts her chin up and goes after what she wants. Feeling scared and a bit insecure is one thing, but if she was that frightened and sure he had made a life without her, why did she make the decision to go? I want to see that she has “…the devil’s own courage.”

Okay, I felt the scene in the brothel was very well done. Walking through that parlor, hearing the noises through the walls increased the anxiety and doubts for both of them. They have had no time to really talk and it was a great way to show us Claire is worried that Jamie is too different and Jamie worried he is too changed. I felt a lot of key dialogue was kept here and like the idea that they spent time talking over dinner, filling in details about their lives apart and seducing each other with hands that break bread and mouthes that burst grapes. It was condensed and I realize that was needed, but I’m still grieving over the lost scenes in the print shop. Because, without them this beautiful sex scene just doesn’t have the same depth of meaning. Those folks who have been waiting for sex between these two will be satisfied, but I wanted no doubt left that these two have burned with a need for each other that went beyond lust. This sex should be the final piece in the puzzle that brings them all the way home to each other.

ACT III: When Living in the Boonies is a Boon

And, sometimes the universe intervenes. I watched it a third time on my computer. My internet is so slow that it was buffering about every 30 seconds. It forced me to slow down and really look. What I saw in between the buffers was mesmerizing.

I teared up.

How could I have missed so much? Was I so invested in MY story that I couldn’t see THE story being told? I was transferring my expectations onto this episode and missed all the nuance. The power and need I longed for was there, but made all the more powerful for the carefully tender way it was presented. I thought there wasn’t any chemistry between these two actors? What a laugh. I’m not sure my husband of 41+ years and I are more in tune with each other than these two. I couldn’t have been more wrong about this episode, so let me revisit my first points again…

Focus for the reunion

A couple who have longed for each other for over 20 years are reunited.

A couple are overcome with emotion, as they would be when someone is resurrected from the dead.What I saw this time was the wonder. Claire reaching out to touch him, but stopping herself, but then having to reassure herself that he is there in the flesh. The catch in her voice when she tells him she thought he was dead. Jamie staring and whispering her name reaching out for her.

A couple spends time in awe, touching and staring at each other as they would because someone they love has been resurrected from the dead.Jamie’s words about seeing her smiling with her hair curling about her face were some of the most heartbreakingly intimate lines I’ve ever seen delivered. “But, you never touched me”, and she says, “I can touch you now”. It seems as if the world should stop, but it still turns, life goes on despite what has just happened. Instead of angels tears, we got spilled ale and wet pants and a gentle bit of comic relief that reminds us that this whole situation is bizarre. Jamie forgot she was still his wife until Claire poses the question with her heart and her hope in her eyes. They have been apart a lifetime. We see the conflicting emotions on his face and the audience knows something is wrong. We see Claire follow him to the back room and look around at his world, the life he has made without her and we feel her fear that she will see something that will dash all her hopes. She walks as if she is unsure of her footing, doesn’t know what to do with her hands or what to do next, but her smiles say it all. She cannot hold them back, but they are tremulous. Their eyes are quick to tears and their voices thick with all their suppressed emotion. They are strangers with familiar faces. A beloved memory become flesh.

Overcome by seeing his daughter for whom all is sacrificed and having the lost love of your life resurrected from the dead and sitting beside you, results in an emotional catharsis that only a great love and a great sacrifice could engender. He tries to hold it together, but is overwhelmed, closes his eyes and asks for her name. When he hears it, he takes in a breath as if he is breathing her to life. She has a name. He has a child named Brianna. We see a tender moment when he remembers their first-born Faith and we know he has never forgotten. Claire is moved by their shared grief and we recognize with her the depth with which this man loves. I still miss him slowly falling apart in her arms allowing himself to finally express the weight of all that has happened, but what I saw instead was moving. What I once saw as an odd reaction to seeing Brianna’s pictures now makes more sense. He has another child he has lost. He shares Willie with Claire. He shares, his shame, guilt, sorrow, and joy with …Claire, the only person with whom he can share such a thing because she is his home, his sanctuary, the only place where he need not “guard his words or hide his feelings”. Claire will love Willie because he is Jamie’s. We start to see the unconditional love and trust that still exists between them. Moment by moment, word by word, we see them draw closer.

What we got instead was the best thing I never knew I needed…

We got to see a tender dance between two people trying to find each other again that felt believable.

We got to see that despite his “unsavory” occupation and living in a “kittle hoosie”, Jamie has maintained his values and beliefs; he is concerned she left Frank to be with him and even though it hurts he wants to know if she was loved, shocked she would think him a customer of the Madam, guilty over Geneva, continues to take care of his responsibilities even when Claire is suddenly there because people depend on him, and he still fights for justice, this time with words. He is still the man she loved at his core.

We saw a woman on the edge of no return. She really was afraid because she really had risked it all. She had no plan B. She was vulnerable, anxiously looking for proof, for evidence that she wasn’t wrong and …found it. “What was once true is true again”. It has always been forever for him. He has loved no one but her.

We saw two starving people make love and revel in the miracle of what it was between them that they could not name, but was still there. As predicted, Jamie “breaks through” the layers of deprivation and defense and then they delight in each other, slowly exploring and letting their bodies express what it means to each to be together again.

We got to believe in love.

Denouement: Where the Author Ties It All Together

The show cannot win, it is literally impossible for them to please everyone. And, so they only have one choice, to do what they think best tells the story and hope that it plays well on the screen. If my personal investment in and reaction to this episode is any indication, “A. Malcolm” might generate some feelings and maybe Matthew B. Roberts, was right to believe he needs to go into hiding! Not because he didn’t do a good job, but because of the books in our heads. He might have wanted to show my “slobber knocker” and “gently fell to pieces” moments, but for whatever reason it didn’t work or maybe they just decided to go a different way. Either way, I had to let go and just watch what story I was being told not the one I thought I should be told. At this point, it is hard for me to believe I could have ever been upset. It is a beautiful story, beautifully told. I tried to think of an image that would encapsulate this episode and what came to mind was Jamie and Claire, as a red rose bud with petals tightly layered, a thing of potential beauty. Moment by moment, word by word, touch by touch, their souls are nourished and in the end…they bloom. The episode addressed important emotional beats and once again walked that fine line between honoring the source material and staying true to themselves and the story they are telling. Our beloved books will always be there and we can visit our print shops anytime we want, but I’m hoping that other fans who forgot to take off their book goggles like me will have the faith to take them off and watch this print shop twice or thrice. It is everything the Print Shop was meant to be and more.

fini

P.S. I know I haven’t said much, other’s have and done much better than I could have, but how wonderful were the costumes and sets?! They continue to add so much to my understanding of these characters and this story. The neckcloth is bringing sexy back! And, the thought Terry put into Claire making her own outfit! I’m so grateful for what she shares with fans. The research Jon Gary must have done to give us the print shop! It all feels so real and has to impact these performances! What a quality production, so detailed and lovingly created. And, the new characters?! I’m pretty sure Geordie is every sarcastic passive aggressive person I’ve ever worked with! LOL! Young Ian and Fergus…how perfectly perfect they are …sigh…makes me excited for the future.

I opened my Twitter feed the other day and saw someone had wished a fellow fan a happy birthday with one of those Outlander memes featuring Jamie. I smiled because it was impossible not to! The meme was of Jamie smiling shyly at Claire when she brought him lunch at the stable. His megawatt boyish charm is blinding! I thought to myself, “well, there was a simpler time”. Then I chuckled because I’m not sure Jamie has ever had a “simpler” time. He and Job seem to be brothers from another mother. Yes, he was an outlaw and yes, he has had the skin flayed off his back, but he still seemed so young, fresh, unaltered by what had happened to him.

I found myself still thinking about that meme today. I found myself thinking about the evolution of these characters and how necessary, however heartbreaking, it was for us to see the time between the stones and the reunion. Once again, I find myself having my understanding of the story deepened by seeing it told on a screen.

They are not the same people who said goodbye at those stones.

This man

has become

this man

This scene in “All Debts Paid” was for me the culmination of all that has gone before. This is a man sick at heart. Much of what was happening here was related to Black Jack’s abuse and I’m sure Jamie is deeply resentful that he has been made to feel those feelings, but there was more.

I read a comment by Sam Heughan that there was sadness there in that moment. I definitely felt that. We saw Jamie smiling over a remembered taste, playing chess by a warm fire, enjoying camaraderie with another man. Basically, we see him participating in something that smacks of normalcy, able if only a short while to be no one, but himself. We see him trusting. When Lord John asked about his wife you can see Jamie struggle with the decision to talk about her and then he consciously lay aside his glass and spoke her name…

and then…it is all taken away with a touch. He can have nothing. Even this small moment is taken from him.

Despite all that happens to him, Jamie manages to survive and retain his core beliefs and values. I know it is flippant and hurtful to suggest that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It is one of the ways we continue to re victimize the abused to suggest that suffering trauma is somehow character building. But, Jamie does go on and overcomes and in some ways, becomes a better man because of his experiences. Unfortunately, Jamie probably knows more about himself than most of us ever will. On the other side of his life experiences, Jamie emerges a sadder, but wiser man. He is different. He doesn’t expect to find his life filled with happiness and is resigned to that reality. But, he is also no longer afraid for himself and that gives him the freedom to speak power to truth. “There isn’t anything you can do to me that hasn’t already been done”, Jamie tells John Grey. I don’t think he has been afraid of anything for a very long time. His personal losses have been too great. Oh, he still cares about those around him, but those things that were his and his alone, “Lord that she might be safe, she and the child”…are gone. We are about to witness the beginnings of Jamie finding his new normal, a life less than he wants, but more than he had.

The same can be said of Claire. Her years of living a life she no longer wanted, trying and failing at her marriage, becoming a doctor, the guilt she feels about Frank, never being able to openly grieve, keeping secrets, knowing she will never again love and be loved the way she was with Jamie has taken its toll. You can see her struggle to navigate living and interacting in a life she feels a stranger in. She throws herself into service to others, but her heart and mind are never fully there. A part of who she is has been cut off, deliberately. Unlike Jamie, she does have something to live for and love, but even that relationship is strained because there is always a part of herself that she can never share.

This woman

has become

this woman

The next part of the “Voyage” back to love

Another chapter in their journey of learning to live without their hearts has come to an end. Claire is now no longer trapped inside a marriage of convenience and Jamie is no longer behind the walls of a prison. The next episode of Outlander, “Of Things Lost”, will give us a glimpse into the next chapter in this voyage, we will see how each learns to say goodbye and accept their new reality. And, finally, move on to create a new life resigned to their loss. I suspect we will see each continue to think of and long for each other, but I also suspect we will see this longing change to a tempered melancholy.

Luckily for us all, a reunion of these two lost souls will happen and not a moment too soon! I don’t think I could take much more! We will see Claire struggle even with the choice to look for Jamie, and risk getting hurt again. And, the choice to leave Bree for what she has to believe is forever? Unfathomable. Jamie, on the other hand, has NO idea what is about to walk through that print shop door. The reunion will be amazing. Our couple has longed for each other for over twenty years. A dream is about to come true. What once was lost has been found. That moment when they see each other and know it to be true will be so emotional that I’m pretty sure I will sob. I’m too invested in these characters not to. The show and the actors have done an excellent job of letting us see how empty and lonely Jamie and Claire are without each other. But,… the shock will fade and they will perforce begin to forge a new life together…with the people they are now. Twenty will change a person and I’m sure they will have some struggles in getting back to the people they were when they were together and I’m thinking that will be bittersweet to watch unfold. That they will fight for each other and fight with each other, I have no doubt. They are soul mates, their other’s half, meant to be. But, I’m thinking Josh Horowitz might be right, they probably really will need couples therapy! Go ahead and click on the picture…you know you want to!

After hearing the distressing noise, Lord John approaches the door thinking of perhaps going into the room to see if Jamie is alright. He hears heavy breathing and realizes that Jamie has awakened from a bad dream. He overhears the big Scot talking to his lost wife, “Could I but lay my head in your lap, lass. Feel your hand on me, and sleep wi’ the scent of you in my bed”. John knows he shouldn’t be hearing this extremely private conversation and tries to back away quietly. Before he gets away he hears Jamie sob and then whisper, his voice full of longing and pain, “Christ Sassenach, I need ye”.

Cue me, ragged intake of breath and leaky eyes.

I’ve been rereading The Scottish Prisoner by Diana Gabaldon, my favorite of the Lord John books. Last night, I reached the scene where Lord John Grey hears Jamie cry out as if he was having a nightmare. This is one of those scenes that causes me to take an involuntary sob. The characters have become so real to me that I feel invested in their lives and experience moments of crippling compassion when I read of their moments of distress or pain. I feel what John feels and what Jamie feels and have to put the book down and take a moment to recover, laugh at my silliness, and curse and simultaneously love Diana for writing books and characters that can move me this much. I’ve often wondered if Diana feels the kind of empathy I do when she writes. Does she have to take a break and recover, does she smile through her tears at the beauty of these poignant moments she has written?

Diana has written many moving scenes in her novels, but this particular scene gets me every. single. time. I’m curious as to why this scene, in particular, makes me so…so…verklempt! Reading that scene and “overhearing” Jamie’s private moment with his vanished wife makes me feel like I’m right beside Lord John trying desperately to get away from that door. Like Lord John, I want to go into that room and offer Jamie comfort, but I know there is nothing I can offer that would comfort him. With that realization, we can now think of nothing worse than Jamie knowing his private pain and moment of grieving was overheard and we are quietly careful as we move down the hall.

Loved Diana’s metaphor of John missing a step and coming down hard as he escapes detection. Hearing Jamie longing for his dead wife brought John back down to Earth hard. The heart wants what it wants, but John is a realist and no fool. He knows this man will never be his. This man will never be his because his heart belongs to a woman and a ghost at that.

It’s Claire’s ghost that I find myself thinking about this morning and Jamie’s as well, the ghosts of their lost love. I think this scene affects me so much because it is one of those rare moments when we get to see what Jamie is thinking and feeling. We can guess how lonely he has been without Claire, but this overheard private moment confirms it. He is trying to live without his heart and having a tough time of it. He needs her. Time hasn’t cured this. A decade separates him from that moment on Craig Na Dun and yet, his need of her hasn’t lessened. His grief feels raw to me.

I’ve also been thinking this morning about the print shop and how the TV series is going to get us there. I know there has been some speculation because people can’t wait to see our couple back together. They want to get to the “good stuff”. I understand that is “good stuff” and I would love to see them stay as faithful to that scene in the book as possible, but the show has to think about viewers other than book fans. I am reminded of an article I read about adaptations and good story-telling.

…Going from a derivative work to its source, people tend to expect fidelity less than when they start with the original, then move to the adaptation…When I read the book first, I go to the movie expecting to see a strict translation of what I saw onto the screen, even if that’s not truly what I want, or what best serves the story…

“…even if that’s not truly what I want, or what best serves the story…”, the truth is those moments at the print shop need to be earned. They need the context of knowing what has come before. It will not be enough to segue way from Claire’s realizing Jamie might still be alive to her going back through the stones. Viewers will need to know what life was like in the in-between. And, whether we want to admit it or not, we book readers will too. Those moments at the print shop are meaningful and moving because of what happened in those twenty years apart and who Jamie and Claire were without their hearts. They are starved for each other’s company and face the despair of knowing they will never again have the kind of mutual love they shared. They long for each other and when I read of their longing my heart aches for them.

Too many of us can relate to their need to go on living despite devastating loss. In Claire’s case, she pushes forward for Bree and Jamie for Fergus, William, Jenny, Ian, and their children. They go on…they exist. Diana lets the reader see that our beloved couple are never far from each other’s thoughts. She paints us a picture of two people who truly aren’t complete without the other. Diana chose to tell Voyager in a mixture of present day with flashbacks to the past that slowly builds the suspense and intensity of emotion. The search for evidence of Jamie’s survival is then followed by the reality of the Dun Bonnet’s real story and we see the names on the Ardsmuir roll sheet in the flesh. We get glimpses of the deprived and lonely existence Jamie led. We are then transported to the inner workings of Claire’s marriage of convenience.

We will need to see what life was like for Claire. I know this isn’t a popular idea for many fans because it means more Frank. But, to ignore what life was like for Claire would not serve the story well and lessen the impact and meaning of the print shop reunion. These glimpses of life with Frank are sprinkled throughout the story, but it makes sense to me that the show will need to rearrange things and tell the story more chronologically. What was life like for Claire? She made a promise and I believe truly tried to make it work with Frank. She did love him, but what ever she feels for Frank pales in comparison to what she feels for Jamie. Frank believes they can make it work. He needs to make it work because he loves her, but her heart is irrevocably Jamie’s. As a result, what started out straight and good and true becomes a twisted convoluted mess.

One of the few looks Diana affords us of Claire’s life with Frank comes from her remembrance of the night he died. Not a very flattering portrayal that, but in his defense, what’s a man to do? What’s a man to do with 20 years of knowing your wife loves someone else? When I think of that particular icy night, warped things come to mind; intentions, plans, relationships, and love. You know what time and pressure do to a lump of coal, right? A diamond. Time and pressure left us no gems here. What happens when feelings get suppressed? When time and pressure are applied to that suppression? Anger. Resentment. Emotion doesn’t stay inside the skin. Feelings can never be fully suppressed. They find a way to come out and sometimes it’s sideways.

.

I think some sideways feelings got straightened out that night.

“...he looked like Bree, didn’t he? He was like her?”

“Yes.”

He breathed heavily, almost a snort.

“I could see it in your face– when you’d look at her, I could see you thinking of him. damn you Claire Beauchamp, ” he said, very softly. “damn you and your face that can’t hide a thing you think or feel.”

“…I did love you, ” I said, softly, at last. “Once.”

They go on to discuss why he didn’t leave and Frank wonders out loud,

“...but you couldn’t see her (Bree) without thinking of him, could you? Without that constant memory, I wonder__ would you have forgotten him, in time?”

“No.”….

Diana Gabaldon Voyager

The last straw had been reached for Frank, but it also served to let us see how impossible it has been for Claire to love anyone but Jamie and to live without him. The show foreshadowed this with Breanna’s comments about her mother living in another world. She is present physically, but she left her heart in another time, another place. She is living a life she no longer wants, but tries for Bree’s sake.

The story will be best served by the show showing us how empty and difficult their lives were without the other. So, when the ‘voyage’ finally leads us back to the print shop, as viewers, we will be entirely invested in the reunion of these two lost souls.

The reuniting of these two characters gives birth to some of the most poignant scenes I’ve ever read. Claire’s trip to the printer’s shop is full of those scenes. Her nervous look at her reflection in the shop window, his fainting dead away at her sudden appearance, their holding each other both trembling with,”…longing of twenty years streaming down our faces”. They touch each other’s features in wonder. I believe I could barely breathe when I read this scene. The intensity of their need of each other was palpable. Not the intensity of lust, but of need. And the scene where Claire shows Jamie Bree’s pictures? My favorite. When he turns and ‘falls to pieces” in her arms, I couldn’t help but think he had been needing to fall apart for twenty years, but her arms were the only place he could do that…be himself…without fear. And for Claire, loving and being loved by Jamie was like “the turn of a great key, each small turn setting into play the intricate fall of tumblers within me.”

Lord knows, the sailing will never be smooth for these two, but at last they will be together and nothing else will matter.

“…to have you with me again_ to talk wi’ you, to know I can say anything, not guard my words or hide my thoughts_God Sassenach” he said, ” The Lord knows I’m as lust crazed as a lad and I canna keep my hands from you _ or anything else_ ” he added wryly, ” but I would count that all well lost, had I no more than the pleasure of havin’ ye by me, and to tell ye all my heart”. And she replies, “ It was lonely without you, ” I whispered,” so lonely.”

It’s Claire’ s birthday….huh…. What would a birthday celebration for Claire be like? Hmmmm…giving this some thought. Let me set the scene.

The setting: Gotta be Frasers Ridge in the big house. I’d have them celebrate there because I think that’s where she was happiest. This is where she built a life and home with her love.

The decorations: I picture the table set with a homespun cloth, candles and a crock full of the posey Jamie has picked from the fall colors found in their woods. No poison ivy this time <g>.

The food: I see the birthday cake is walnut layer with blackberry jam filling. Dinner is a beautiful roast turkey that Brianna shot and samples of the plenty Claire has stored in the pantry. The room is full of the delicious aroma of brewing coffee and the firelight makes the glass whiskey decanter glow.

It has been brought to my attention that I write about the characters in Outlander as if they were real people. I’d like to acknowledge this truth and maybe explain…if I can. First, I’m not delusional. I’m aware they are not real and totally the creations of Diana Gabaldon’s prolific imagination. Second, I think my ability to write about her characters as if they were real people could be seen as a tribute to her skill. She has written characters of such depth that she has made it possible to analyze their personalities. I’ve read some of what she has said about her writing process and I know that she “listens” to her characters. To say I am jealous would be a bit of an understatement! They speak to her and appear to act out of their own values and personalities. The more I write about her writing the more I understand how truly gifted she is and the more intimidated I become! It hasn’t stopped me from trying to write, but wow…just wow.

Diana posted an article I’d written about Claire and womanhood on her Facebook page (how totally freakin awesome is that?) I wrote about Claire being a wonderful example of a woman of worth and substance. Her acceptance of herself and all that means to her life is what I’m still thinking about today. Specifically, I’m thinking of her knowing she was meant to heal and her decision to become a doctor in a time when women just didn’t do that.

Anytime a women decides to do something as monumental and time-consuming as becoming a doctor they must consider the cost. They just do. Fair or not fair, women have biological clocks that have expiration dates. Many women who seek extremely time-consuming careers choose to delay starting a family or know their choice will leave them with precious little time to be with their loved ones. It’s a no-win situation for women, as both choices require a sacrifice.

I find when I read Diana’s stories it is easy to make parallels with real life. I have a cousin who obtained her dream job of being a college Sociology professor. Her husband worked in the world of business and finance. Like many of us they started a family and balanced parenthood with full-time jobs. Their second child was born and it soon became obvious that their newest had special needs and would require full-time care.

May we ALL..find a partner in life… like my cousin’s husband. I’m sure they had exhausted all options and had finally come to the conclusion that one of them needed to stay home with their child. When the time came to have “the conversation”, my cousin’s husband told her that he would stay home because, “I just have a job, but you have a job you love”. He understood the sacrifice would be too great for his wife. I can’t even imagine her relief and gratitude. In a society where a man’s job often defines him, this man chose to be a father and husband first. His insight into his wife’s needs and then…his actions based on that knowledge showed him to be a very wise man indeed.

In Claire’s case, she already has a child and a husband when she chooses to pursue her passion. Throughout the books, Frank is portrayed as the stereotypical 1950’s man. He has bought into the nuclear family status quo. He has every intention of bringing home the bacon and letting Claire fry it up in the pan. She is taking up a study of medicinal herbs as a hobby to fill the void of no longer nursing. We aren’t privy to any conversation that lead to this decision; we just know that it is true. Can you imagine Claire as a housewife only? Me either.

Outlander 2014

In Voyager, Claire has returned to Frank, but she has not returned to being the little woman. She knows she is meant to heal and this changes everything for her. Claire isn’t cooperating with the role to which she had been assigned. Instead, she is breaking the gender mold, pushing the envelope, and is wholly unapologetic. His wife has returned, but she is not the woman he went on a second honeymoon with to Scotland. Claire is there in the 1950’s, but she left her heart in the 1750’s.

Upon her return, Claire offers Frank a divorce, but they are Catholic and have a daughter (Frank gets mega bonus points from me for loving this child). Given the time period and Claire’s resignation to her loss of Jamie, and the fact that Frank isn’t a “Cad”, they stay together. I can only imagine Frank’s consternation and frustration.

Frank…I’m still not sure I’ve figured this man out. In my opinion, he is one of the most enigmatic characters in the series. I’ve run the gamut of dislike to pity to admiration with this man. And,…just when I think I understand him, Diana throws in a moment like the moment my cousins must have had…things have come to a boil and Claire and Frank have “the conversation”…

Claire is late coming home from the hospital…again. Fed up, Brianna’s babysitter leaves the child alone and Brianna goes looking for her mother. She is hit by a car. Thankfully, her injuries are not severe, but this close call causes Claire to question (I’m sure not for the first time) her decision to leave her child in the care of a yet another stranger while she pursues her medical degree. The cost has become too great and she tells Frank she is going to quit. He could have let her. He didn’t.

“I can’t stand leaving Bree, and not knowing if she’s well cared for-and knowing she isn’t happy. You know she doesn’t really like any of the sitters we’ve tried.”

“I know that, yes.”… he said, “But I don’t think you should resign.”

…”You don’t?”

“Ah, Claire.” He spoke impatiently, but with a tinge of affection nonetheless. “You’ve known forever who you are. Do you realize at all how unusual it is to know that?”

…”No, I suppose not,” he said.

…”I haven’t got that, ” he said quietly at last. ‘I’m good, all right. At what I do– the teaching, the writing. Bloody splendid sometimes, in fact. And I like it a good bit, enjoy what I do. But the thing is–” He hesitated,then looked at me straight on, hazel-eyed and earnest. “I could do something else, and be as good. Care as much, or as little. I haven’t got that absolute conviction that there’s something in life I’m meant to do — and you have.”

He goes on to tell her that having her kind of passion is very rare and wonders if some people are born with that passion or just find it along the way. He also feels the need to warn her.

” But Claire–“…”They paid for it”…

Claire nods her head in agreement and feels the despair of failure. She believes she has made a mess of everything; her career, motherhood, and her role as Frank’s wife. And then, he does the last thing she expects, he says…

“I’ll take Bree.”

I’ve always been willing to give Jamie the benefit of a doubt. After all, he’s an 18th century man and we can’t expect him to have the same sensibilities as a modern man. So, when Jamie rises above his 18th century upbringing, we are in awe and love him for his open mind and heart. Why I can’t seem to cut Frank the same break is something I might want to take a closer look at. After all, Frank is a man of his time period as well. We admire Jamie for his ability to express what he feels. However, I was recently reminded that MOST men are unable to express their feelings as poetically as Jamie. That doesn’t mean they feel less. And, despite Frank’s stiff British upper lip and his 1950’s male perspective (remember when he thought Claire did nothing all day because she was home with the baby?) He seems to do the honorable thing…often.

I would love to say that his choice was made solely because of his love and understanding of Claire. That isn’t exactly the feeling I get when I read this scene. His wisdom seems tempered with reality rather than love. He knows Claire is meant to heal and recognizes that life will just be easier for them all if he just steps up to the plate…I think. But, there is another side of me that says no matter how the choice is presented, he still made the choice and allowed Claire to be exactly who she is. He overcomes his own 1950’s gender expectations and sensibilities. He loves her even if he does think she’s a pain in the arse. (sounds pretty familiar to me!) It’s not easy loving Claire! There is a price to be paid for passion and for loving a special woman. Frank’s wisdom in this situation should be a lesson to us all.

Sometimes when I write, the ideas come quick and demand to be written immediately. Sometimes ideas need to simmer like a good soup. I’ve already written quite a bit about Claire and I wondered if there was anything more I could say. The question, “Why is Claire important to me?” kept simmering in my mind. Soon, as it often happens, the answer to my writer’s question began to form through the colliding of seemingly insignificant events and knowledge.

The world very recently celebrated International Woman’s Day. Busy with my grandchildren, I sort of missed it. Two days later, I was given a picture of myself hugging my oldest granddaughter and it kick-started my thinking about women and my role in womanhood. Of course, I blogged about it.

My granddaughter laughingly said,” I feel like I’m reading a history lesson about civil rights!” In a way she was. I wrote about how each generation of women has helped to create the wonder that is my granddaughter.

Writing that article helped me answer part of my question. Why is Claire important to me? Because she is a wonderful example of the women who have gone before and paved the way. She is a wonderful example of women who had the courage to break out of gender-based roles and show the world women could be strong. She shows us that women can be all things; strong, kind, tough, gentle, smart, and intuitive.

The second half of my question was answered while writing an article about laughing at life. I was thinking of events both good and bad that have happened in my life and wondered if there was anything I would change if I could. I always come to the same conclusion…No… because I don’t know how those events shaped the woman I became. I wonder if Claire would come to the same conclusion?

We all bring our experiences with us when we read and I brought the story of Corrie Ten Boom with me when I read Claire’s story. Corrie Ten Boom was a Dutch Christian spinster, who saved many Jews from the concentration camps and then was interned for her actions. She lost many family members to the camps including her beloved father and sister. She survived and then spent the rest of her life traveling the world telling her story of how there was no pit so deep that God was not deeper still. Corrie carried with her a bit of needlework to use as a visual representation of how life works. She would first show people the underside of the needlework. They would see nothing, but a mess of different colored thread crossed and knotted. If they looked very closely they might be able to see a pattern, but it wouldn’t be clear. Corrie would then say that is because we can only see the underside of life and we don’t know why certain threads are used or how. The dark threads she points out might be as important as the light. She would then turn the cloth over to reveal a beautiful crown. So, when I read Claire’s story I thought of Corrie’s crown. No one could accuse Claire of having lived a soft life. She lost her parents at a tender age and spent her formative years traveling in third world environs. I believe these seemingly “dark threads” helped to form Claire’s coping skills, attitudes, and values.

Why is Claire important to me? Because she is a good example of how to learn from all of the experiences of your life. Her experiences served her well. She learned how to handle whatever life threw her. She learned what is worth spending your energy on and what isn’t. She learned valuable lessons about what is truly important in this life and her exposure to different people and cultures helped her know herself which in turn helped her gain a heart for people.

Why is Claire important to me? Because she shows us a woman can persevere and adapt. Over and over again we are able to read of Claire adapting to change and unexpected situations. She may express concern, dismay or even grief, but she always picks herself up, dusts herself off and finds a way. She always finds a way to make the best life for herself with dignity and often with humor. I have always admired her ability to laugh at the ironies of life.

I can’t think of an example when Claire was a willing participant in any kind of malicious gossip or intentional hurtful behavior toward another woman or anyone for that matter. Oh, there were people she didn’t care to spend time with, but even that choice was never spiteful. Claire has just learned it is best to avoid poison people and situations if you can. She doesn’t dwell on people whose values and views don’t match hers. If she doesn’t want to cover her head, she doesn’t. If she wants to spend her time healing the sick, she will. Why is Claire important to me? Because she shows us that it is possible to live without the approval of other women or men. She doesn’t need others to validate her or her choices.

Why is Claire important to me? Because she stands up for what she believes is right. How many times throughout the story do we see Claire ride or walk or crawl for that matter to right an injustice, many times at her own peril and to Jamie’s frustration? We see her leave her husband to care for a ship full of plague, fight to stop the slaughter at Culloden and even offer her daughter the option of an abortion. However, on the other hand, she does not easily take offense, is tolerant of other’s beliefs and does not need to always be right. She picks her battles and doesn’t sweat the small stuff.

Why is Claire important to me? Because she is a wonderful example of a woman who knows what is really important in life. Claire knows that in the end, it is all about relationships and people. I credit her experiences of traveling the world and having few possessions for teaching her this lesson that so many folks come to realize late, if ever. I never read of Claire being worried about possessions, or fashions, or money, or position. She is not motivated by greed or political gain. If they have enough food, clothing, and shelter, Claire is happy. It isn’t that she doesn’t enjoy nice things; she does, but, she doesn’t need them. It is very telling of her worth that the “things” she does treasure are never her own purchases, but rather gifts like the Indian amulet and her medicine chest.

And finally, why is Claire important to me? Because she is a woman who knows her own worth and mind. Claire doesn’t bother with false modesty. She knows what she is good at and uses those gifts and abilities to help others. Conversely, she knows what she isn’t good at and circumvents her weaknesses. One of the things I most admire about Claire is her lack of guile and her unwillingness to lie to herself. Time and time again, we see her take ownership of her thoughts and feelings even when she doesn’t like what she is thinking or feeling. There is real power there. It is difficult to be manipulated when you own your “stuff”.

For all these reasons and more, Claire is a woman to be admired and emulated. Truly, I could point to her as a proud example of womanhood. I believe Claire’s example of what it means to be a good and proud woman will stand the test of time, a representation of what it means to be a woman of worth and substance. Claire makes me proud I’m a woman.

*I’ve been reading all the news of Richard Rankin being cast as Roger. I knew @ConnieBV would be writing for ScotlandNow and I couldn’t wait to read what I knew would be her latest wonderful blend of humor and insight. I wasn’t disappointed. It was great! I am always amazed by how much we think alike despite our very different writing styles. She talked about Roger being the male version of Claire and I was nodding my head in agreement and knew that I had written something about that idea myself. I did! When I found it I realized that I had written this piece almost exactly a year ago and it not only talked about the Claire and Roger connection, but it was a wonderful little time-capsule. What were we doing and thinking about a year ago in the fandom? It’s right here!

We know that folks working on Outlander Starz are taking a well deserved break. Some of the folks are continuing to tweet to fans during their hiatus. So, fans still know a bit about what is going on in their lives. Matt is still taking pictures, Maril made it back home to the great Northwest, Terry is missing her puppy, but catching up on all the good stuff home offers and her other half Ron has been tweeting his score cards from the Giants bid for the World Series. Cait sent us a lovely picture of her meeting with the folks running the children’s cancer charity she supports and Sam…well … he tweeted a short video of him throwing one very lucky girl into an LA swimming pool!

While they are all on vacay mode the fans have been trying to figure out what to do during the months between now and April. I’ve seen some pretty interesting lists. Some are funny and some quite serious. Pretty sure the Outlander knitters will be creating enough cowls and arm warmers to supply a small army of wool waulkers! There are contests, read-alongs and memes full of pick-up lines.

All of this industry got me thinking about DIA and the fact that the fans will most probably get to do this whole thing again! Soon everyone will be back at work, casting, writing, costuming and acting. Remember all the cast watches? We are going to get to see Brianna, Roger, Master Raymond! We are going to see Claire and Jamie navigate the politics at the French court and meet Louis and Bonnie Prince Charlie. Terry will be designing costumes with a whole different culture in mind! We’ll be getting some behind the scenes goodies! Again!

Roger and Bree. They are not Jamie and Claire and yet….what a great couple. We know that Bree definitely inherited her father’s looks and some of his personality traits. Claire often comments that she recognizes the look of a Fraser on the edge of an explosion in Bree’s countenance. Roger was absolutely gobsmacked when he saw Jamie Fraser for the first time. Bree’s resemblance to her father was more than obvious. It had to feel a bit strange to be married to the feminine version of THAT man.

I’ve been known to claim that both of my children married versions of their mother. I see my ability to deal with their father in how my children’s spouses deal with their versions of my husband. Seriously, I wonder if I was even there sometimes! Mighty strong genes on that side of the family. It sort of makes sense, if their dad was attracted to me and they are VERY much like him, then they might be attracted to someone with similar personality traits. Maybe Bree was attracted to Roger for the same reasons.

From the very beginning, I saw a connection between Roger and Claire. Roger seemed to be able to “read” Claire. He noticed subtle body language and facial cues. He heard something in her voice that belied her voiced feelings. He recognized “who” she was as a person. He seemed to understand her. Likewise, she seemed to recognize a kindred spirit in Roger. Roger is the first to believe her tale of time travel and her Highlander husband Jamie.

Maybe he gets her because he’s a lot like her. They both grew up orphans who were raised by single eccentric men. Like Claire, he doesn’t seem to be concerned with possessions or power. They seem to focus on the really important things in life. They are both honorable and loyal people. Claire is a kind woman who cares for the people around her. Roger is a kind man who cares for the people around him. He is strong when he needs to be and doesn’t sweat the small stuff, just like Claire. They both live their lives without need for artifice. They both seem to have the ability to see through to the truth in matters. In fact, in one of the later scenes Claire comments that she knows very few truthful people. She names Roger as one of them.

Several times we read of Roger watching the interaction between Claire and Jamie. He seems to be fascinated by their relationship and I often wondered if it was because of Bree’s resemblance to her father. Maybe he was watching to see how dealing with a Fraser is done! Bree is a woman with strong skills, personality and will. She is a modern woman who knows she can take care of herself. I’m pretty sure she would have run rough-shod over most men or scared them away. But, not Roger, I have always admired him for knowing she wasn’t going to be easy and loving that about her. He was up to the challenge of a woman who knows she’s your equal. and he wouldn’t want it any other way. Roger is as all men should be.

Like Claire, Roger is principled to a fault and could have probably saved himself a lot of trouble if he had been a bit less honorable, but he is honorable and like Claire honest with himself. He takes ownership of his thoughts and feelings. His goodness runs deep and he isn’t afraid to make the tough choices. Bree, like her father, knows she has found that one thing we all hope for, someone who loves us as much as we love them. What we see in the couple is a passionate mutually committed relationship….Roger and his Bree like Jamie and his Claire.