Things Men Only Tell You When They’re Drunk

When men get drunk, they feel free to express all of the traits and thoughts that they don’t usually think seem very “manly.” They become softer, sweeter, more honest, more open-minded, and sometimes a little more irritable. Men can be downright hilarious when they get drunk (well, who isn’t though?) Particularly men in love; men in love are usually just realizing all sorts of feelings and thoughts they never knew they had. If you give them a few cocktails, you can expect to hear their plans for the future, their insecurities about themselves and your relationship, and their deepest, most private aspirations. You can also hear that, like, they’re feeling gassy.

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I love my best friend. Like SO much

Men get deep into their bromances when they’re drunk. The way you are sober when your best friend from high school calls you—that’s how they are about all of their male friends. You’ll hear the phrase I love you man a lot and We should all, like, live together in a big house and hang out every day!

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I do believe in the one

Most men will never admit that they believe in the one when sober. They have to be mathematical and practical and reasonable. But when they’re drunk, suddenly it’s all, “You’re obviously the one for me. There is no other one. Soul mates might be real.”

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I don’t appreciate you enough

Men wouldn’t tell you this sober—it would give away all of their power. Everybody always wants to give the impression that they’re the prize. But when your man gets drunk, he’ll start professing all of the things he’s going to do for you just to deserve you. “I’m going to clean the bathroom now forever and always.” Mhmm. We will see.

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I’ve already named our kids

When he’s sober, your man will say he doesn’t know if he wants to have kids; he’ll say he is undecided on procreating. He’ll insist he has way too many other things to worry about right now. Get him drunk, and he’ll start listing off the names of the five imaginary kids he has with you.

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I made you my emergency contact

And I put you in my will. Well, it’s an official will. It’s on a napkin from that karaoke bar, but you’re in it.

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I told my parents I’m going to marry you

I just want to take care of you

You should just wait at home for me, so you’re always there to cuddle every time I come home. I just want to take care of you—I want to make enough to treat you like a princess. (They’d never say this sober because, well, they’re making minimum wage right now).

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I think I could be, like, a rock star

Or an astroanut or a nobel prize winner or the best standup comedian in the world. Your man has illusions of grandeur, and they’ll come out after some jager bombs.

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Red meat actually messes with my stomach

Men are not allowed to admit this! They’re supposed to eat four steaks and then drink a pint of beer without so much as a burp. They’re not allowed to admit that they need Beptobismol after a barbecue.

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I get depressed when I’m hungover

Depression is such a common human experience, but a lot of men, unfortunately, think it’s just a female experience. Until they’re wasted and admit, “Oh no. I’m going to be depressed tomorrow. I always get depressed when I’m hungover. Will you promise to hold me tomorrow?”

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You’re not into Chad are you?

If there is any guy in your life that your partner is jealous of or suspects you have the hots for, he’s going to ask about him when he’s drunk. “It’s okay if you think he’s cute. You can say it. I’m not blind! It’s okay.” It’s definitely not okay, though.

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Singing to you

Men love to sing to you when they’re drunk. If there is a band or a karaoke set up anywhere you are when they’re drunk, they’re going to try to serenade you. They’re probably going to hang onto the mic beyond a time frame that is cute.

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Everybody else I dated sucked

It’s in poor taste to bash their exes, not to mention most men want you to think maybe their previous girlfriends were hot and awesome. But when they’re six shots down, they’ll tell you how basically you’re the only good one they ever dated.

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That thing you do in bed hurts

He’s bit his lip (literally) long enough and endured the discomfort of that thing you think feels amazing. But now he’s drunk, and he’s going to tell you: “I feel like you’re going to rip off my d—”

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I want us to dress as furries

Whatever bizarre thing he’s been wanting to try in bed, get him drunk enough, and he’ll tell you what it is.