David has decided that
when he wins the two hundred million dollar California State Lottery
tomorrow night, he's going to split it with the denizens of his beloved
Super Fun Time message boards.

"Yes,
Dear Reader," he grandly
announced on his board yesterday. "We're
going to BUY A SUPERFUNTIME LOTTERY TICKET TOGETHER! If we win,
we divide up the
greenbacks!" Today
he posted the numbers from the ticket he'd purchased specifically for
SFT.

So far the SFT people
are not exactly knocking each other over, running to take him up on his
offer. Maybe they think he's yanking their chain. Maybe they're afraid
to get their hopes up. Maybe they're troubled by his plan to use his
lottery winnings to have his head cryogenically frozen and reattached
to a cloned, twenty-one-year-old version of his body. ("Since I'll be about
sixty-five years old, I'll ALSO be able to collect
social security, which will really piss people off! I'll be twenty-one,
retired, collecting Social Security AND richer than Croesus!")

We figure they'll come
around, though, when those million-dollar checks start landing in their
mailboxes.

In the meanwhile, this
has prompted the obligatory (but always amusing) discussion, here in
the
SecraTerri/Ð®åƒ±êrvØ¡
household, about How We Would Spend The Money. What if the other
lottery ticket -- the non-Super-Fun-Time ticket we
purchased, just for
us -- turns out to be the big moneymaker? What would we do
with our
sudden fortune? We agree on the obvious stuff, of course: dumping most
of it back into our retirement accounts, continuing our program of
aggressive
debt relief, sending our assorted progeny to college (whether they
like it or not), assisting our favorite charities. We
would replace the ailing Subaru. We would buy that crumbling Victorian,
over on Central Avenue, and paint it Day-Glo Tangerine. We would do
nice stuff for our parents.

We would finally pay off our
Blockbuster late fees.

But we both have lists
of other, less-obvious things we could do with two hundred million
dollars. While his list includes stuff like Siberian Tiger fur pajamas,
gold leaf toilet paper, blowing up all available copies of "Fireball
Forward" and building a life-sized replica of Mount Rushmore entirely
out of Charmin ("Mount Flushmore"), *my* list is a little more
prosaic, I believe.

See if you don't agree.

I've always wanted to
travel. I think that when we win the two hundred million bucks
tomorrow, David and I will immediately embark on a cross-country tour
of the United States, where our goal will be to sample Honey BBQ Wings
at every
single KFC restaurant across the nation. As soon as we've
finished loading
up on sodium, grease, sugar and deep-fried chicken pimples at one
restaurant, we'll hop onto our custom-built tandem bicycle and ride to
the next
location, then the next and the next, until we've made our way from The
West Coast all the way
over to That Other Coast. (Losing AND gaining the same ten pounds a
hundred times, along the way.)

I would make talking in
a movie theater a felony.

I would hire a fulltime
*FootNotes* editorial assistant, whose only job function is to make
sure
I've properly reconfigured my "Next" and my "Previous" links whenever I
post a new entry. I might also ask her to tidy up the archives, verify
the links in my notify messages and fetch me some coffee occasionally.

I would have The Main
Marketing Guy transferred to the Bodie, CA office.

I would build a
world-class drug and alcohol rehab facility, combining state-of-the-art
medical technology, recovery education services, round-the-clock
supervision and a staff of crackerjack physicians, therapists,
nutritionists, fitness experts and after-care counselors, including
Mr. Robert Downey, Jr. himself. And then the only patient I would
admit would be
Daughter #2.

I would work tirelessly
to find a cure for middle-aged acne.

I would build an exact
replica of my childhood home ... right down to the white picket fence,
the chenille daisy-print bedspread on my bed, the two wormy apple trees
in the backyard and the fourteen dollars in embezzled Girl Scout cookie
money I buried in Grandpa's garden.

I would market my idea
for caffeinated envelope flaps.

I would have all of my
favorite movies filmed over again with alternate endings. This time
around, Alice wouldn't step off that cliff, Lara & Yuri would
live happily ever after, and Dorothy would decide to stay in Oz (which,
frankly,
looks like one HELL
of a more *colorful* place to live than that stoopid chicken farm,
forcryingoutloud).

I would invite all of
the 1972-73 Sunset Junior High School Pep Club Officers to a "luau" on
my private South Seas island, where I would force them to divide
up into tribes, eat live pupating mealybugs, walk around in their
bathing suits all day on national television and eventually vote each
other off the island, one by one. The *winner* receives a million
dollars' worth of black bobby sox.

And last but not least
...

... *FootNotes: The
Movie* would finally become a reality, with Ron Howard directing,
soundtrack provided by Steven
Rappaport
and the part of Young Secra played by The Olsen Twins.

See what I mean? My
stuff is infinitely more do-able ... AND
I'd probably still have a couple thousand million to share with my Notify
List
people.