Horror as OAP Murdered by Peacocks

Agnus McDonald, 78, was the subject of a brutal attack, conducted by over 500 peacocks. The peacocks were the family pets of next door neighbour, Andy Thompson, 45, who has described the attack as "horrific".Agnus's body had been brutally mauled, with almost 1000 peck wounds,mostly around the face and eyes. The peacocks had been bought as an alarm system, and Andy had theorised that if 1 peacock is a very loud animal, he would always be able to hear 500 of them. They slept everywhere, in the house, in the garden and some as strays, with a history of attacking small children and recreational drug use. One peacock, who did not wish to be named, has said "loud screech", as he is a peacock. Our Anglo-Peacock intepreter has translated the message to be in actual fact, a loud screech.
The peacocks have escaped and are on the run, believed to be somewhere between the North Pole and the South Pole. The White House and the Kremlin have both recieved threats of nuclear warfare if they do not submit to the peacocks demands. A statement, released by a senior US official, believes it to be the work of BP. It has also been confirmed that the peacocks have very poor handwriting.