Please stop making Facebook accounts for your babies and sending friend requests to all of your friends “friends.” You are freaking me the fuck out with your poor judgment and obvious disconnect to the real world (you know, the one where any idiot can have a kid).

If you don’t have anything nice to say (besides how many pretend associates you’ve whacked in your virtual crime syndicate or how many ethereal planks and nails you need to complete an imaginary stable), don’t say anything at all.