Kids Not Wanted

Not every couple is fit to have kids. We think we're one of them.

My wife and I have come to the conclusion that neither of us actually wants children. We simply have no desire to have them, and both of us seem to lack parental sentiments. We know we are supposed to procreate, and we are uncomfortable with rejecting teaching and tradition on this matter. We are concerned about what type of parents we would be if we were to have them. My wife grew up in a house with a singular lack of genuine parental affection (no doubt partly because her mother was too busy raising eight children on her own), and this background still causes her emotional problems. We wouldn't want to do that to children in turn.

What do you think?

Yours,
MZ

Dear Reader:

Your concerns and hesitations to proceed with having a family are totally understandable given what you perceive as both your lack of parental sentiments and your wife's history of a less than emotionally satisfying and nurturing upbringing.

Unquestionably, a case can be made that children of "abusive" parents will perpetuate that behavior in the raising of their own offspring. However, as likely as that might be, it is far from a given or written in stone.

The hallmark of the human being is the ability to choose our responses regardless of past experiences.

The hallmark of the human being is free will, the ability to choose our responses regardless of past experiences. All of us have the power to break the patterns of our past. In fact, there are many instances where those who are personally familiar with pain resulting from the inadequate parenting skills of their own parents put forth greater effort to compensate for that deprivation by intense vigilance to the needs of their own children.

Awareness can give rise to deliberate and focused responses that have the potential to move us from pathology to a healthy place. Hence, "nurture" need not exclusively determine or dictate the terms of our existence. We are not rats in a Skinner Box, conditioned and programmed so that choice becomes meaningless.

Rita, a rising opera star, spent a Friday night enjoying Sabbath dinner at our home. Amidst all the exciting details of her forthcoming marriage, she shared that she had no intentions of having children. She explained that her mother had suffered a debilitating illness and had not been there for her during her formative years. Concerned about the possible genetic factor, she didn't want to place an emotionally compromised mother onto the next generation.

Looking at this bright, lovely and talented young woman I couldn't help but ask the obvious question: "In retrospect, given the deficient parenting of her mother, would she rather not have been born? Would she have preferred that her mother had made the choice not to have children?"

My brother-in-law, a prominent law professor, presented the following hypothesis in one of his ethics class: "An incarcerated prostitute suffering from venereal disease became pregnant. The father was an alcoholic whose prognosis for rehabilitation was non-existent. Would you advise an abortion?"

The class unanimously argued that an abortion was desirable. Professor Twerski then informed them that their verdict would have killed Beethoven.

Clearly, only the Master of the universe, in His inscrutable wisdom can fathom why events unfold as they do. Surely, if we were writing the script, there would be children born to the many couples who yearn so desperately and invest so much in that effort. Obviously, when that doesn't happen, painful as it is, the Almighty has determined that the gifts and talents of these people be expressed through other mediums and channels. Evidently, the Master of the universe has other designs of what their contribution to life needs to be.

You also refer to the lack of parental sentiments. There are many families who had no affinity or compelling desire for children, but the experience of actually having them changed the whole equation. Parental emotion and intuition that were heretofore unknown to them were sparked and kindled.

In a narcissistic society such as ours, it is important to evaluate, honestly and objectively, where the truth lies. Given the zeitgeist of our time, it would be easy to rationalize and interpret the inclination to be unencumbered, to be free to indulge and focus exclusively on ourselves as altruistic and idealistic concerns about competence and adequacy. Our culture is one of total preoccupation with self. Whatever encroaches on this pursuit is deemed an imposition to be avoided.

Clearly, parenting is a most challenging and demanding calling. It is consuming of time, energy and emotional input. With the advent of a family, life changes dramatically and requires many adjustments. Undoubtedly, there are unencumbered couples who are "enjoying" their status quo and don't want to rock their comfortable boat. Some will go the route of arguing the case for overpopulation and ecological concerns. In that instance, they might test the honesty of their position by considering the adoption option. There are many children out there who would benefit from a caring, nurturing home.

My dear reader correctly and sensitively intuits that for a Jew to deliberately choose to abstain from having children is not consistent with our tradition (barring physical, psychological or mental health issues that a reliable Torah authority would identify as counter indications). It is not much of a stretch to see in the natural order of God's world that the propagation of the species is mandated. Furthermore, logic and justice would dictate that it is only right that we pass on the privilege of life with which we were gifted and entrusted to the next generation.

To be cautiously apprehensive of the awesome role of parenting is legitimate. It is reminiscent of a story told of a community, who upon the passing of their elder Rabbi, sought the services of a young gifted scholar in their midst. The young man respectfully declined citing youth and inexperience. Moreover, the thought of leadership that would entail the possibility of misguiding the townspeople with ill-placed counsel threw him into a panic.

The townspeople, convinced of his sterling qualifications and moral stature, insisted that he was the worthy candidate. In view of his refusal, they decided to present the case for arbitration before the venerated Rabbi of a nearby community. The Rabbi heard the pleas of the community and then listened to the young candidate express his dread of not doing justice to so awesome a task.

The sage turned to the young man and poignantly asked, "Would you suggest that the job be given to someone who did not have the requisite awe and sense of responsibility that is required for this job?"

That reticence and hesitance that flows from an understanding of how massive a trust parenthood is, actually qualifies this couple in greater measure than those who entertain no such qualms. Concurrently, they need to know that all that is expected of any one of us is that we take life as it comes, do the best we can and pray abundantly for Heavenly assistance.

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 11

(11)
Rox,
November 22, 2009 5:57 PM

Childfree community

I have been voluntarily sugically sterilized for almost 5 years now. Those interested in this article should check out childfree communities on the Internet or their local "No Kidding!" childfree group. There are many parents who have had kids and no "magical spark of love" happens. There are many ways to pass along values besides having physical children. To even teach someone or give guidance is considered to have them as your own child. The tone of your article is "have children or else". I disagree. This is too personal a decision to have tradition used as a tool to frighten people into something they are not prepared for.

(10)
Katherine,
June 12, 2006 12:00 AM

MZ, leave it up to God - not humans

I understand your need to consider both feelings: no desire to have children and whether or not you'd be good parents. They are no separate issues -- they go hand in hand. Most of the commenters are the fortunate ones who thought they would fail and took it upon themselves to actively try to be good parents. That's the difference. Anyone who is fertile can be a parent. It takes work to be a *good* parent. To do something "because you should" or because "everybody else does" are two of the stupidest reasons to do it, especially something as serious as bringing forth a life. "Try it. You might like it" is not wise, either.

My husband and I have chosen not to have children. Naturally, some feel we have made the wrong choice. I don't owe any human being an explanation. G-d knows my past, my heart, and my soul. I know that *if* I am meant to be a mother, He would guide me down that path.

My advice is to let G-d guide you and don't be in any hurry for an answer. Don't let anyone push you into a choice. It is possible that you and your spouse will wind up parents someday. However, if you never do have children, that is between you two and G-d, not anyone else.

G-d has continued to answer my prayers in life, even though I have opted to be childless. G-d has far more understanding than anyone on Earth ever could. Trust Him.

(9)
Rani,
April 17, 2006 12:00 AM

It's a risk but a good one

When two people marry they don't know how it'll turn out but they hope for the best and know they can get out if need be, children however cannot be returned. Despite that every woman ought to realize that as unnurturing as she beleives herself to be if she wants to overcome those feelings she should understand that her behavior will persuade her feelings and she has years (but hopefully it won't take that long) to make it right. I came from a home with a emotionally disturbed mother (and abusive) and a father who has trouble showing affection. I was the aunt that all the nieces and nephews feared because I had no patience, was very tough, and knew nothing about children. In fact I was in no hurry to get married because I felt then I would have to have children which I didn't want.
Today my friends laugh to see me with my children ("what happened to the wild and crazy Rani and who is this motherly person that stole her body?" and my sisters and sister in-laws are shocked to find themselves asking me for parenting advice. Everyone can change and the feelings that one has for their own children are nothing like those for other people's children. Children make us better, more patient, more forgiving, more unselfish, and loving people and even if the journey is difficult it is well worth it.

(8)
Pamela Singer,
November 21, 2005 12:00 AM

Great article!

I enjoyed this sensitive piece very much indeed. In the course of my job I see many people who probably "should not" have children, as well as people "trying" to do something that seems to just happen effortlessly to others. I think it is a very personal decision to not have children; however, I never had very maternal feelings of my own, while my ex-husband assumed he'd have a family. And so we did, but while I became very much the nurturing partner (which I always had been, to some degree), he realized that, although our children are fantastic human beings about whom everyone raves, the family/married life was not really for him. Sad for our children, to be sure; but they and I could not be closer, while their father, the great "family man," is neglectful. I absolutely cannot imagine life without them and thank HaShem several times every day for the great blessing of their existence. I completely agree with the author, that being aware of one's limitations and the enormous responsibility involved prepare one MORE for parenthood than does a blithe skipping down that pathway and assuming that things will fall easily into place.

(7)
rachel chait,
October 30, 2005 12:00 AM

children are a blessing

I find it strange that people think that they create children. As far as I understand, G-d decides whether a soul will be given to the parents.How many people do you know who try to have kids without success, or those that seem to have children with little effort? Considering that we assume that G-d knows what He is doing, why not allow Him to grant us a soul. Remember that a child is a gift from G-d and we are His partners in his\her upbringing. Now that is a priveledge not to be discarded lightly.

(6)
Jean,
October 28, 2005 12:00 AM

Kids not wanted

I commend both of you for being honest enough to admit this fact. I know I may be chastised for agreeing with you,but I respect your choice not to have children , at this time. Maybe there are lessons to learn and things to do that the Almighty has planned for a furture time. Maybe someday you may feel different and maybe not. You are not bad or wrong for you choices. If we believe that G-D is in everything we do, don't you think He knew this long before you were both born He knew this and still you both are here? Maybe He knows something we don't. Man may make his plans BUT G-D has the final say. Shalom Shalom. May the perfect peace of G-D be with you both.

(5)
Sharon,
October 27, 2005 12:00 AM

Parenting is not A-Z and definitely not easy!!

I read with interest that at first you said neither of you had any desire to have children which is very honest and if that is the truly the case, I congratulate you on your honesty and responsible attitude. Then you said you felt you wouldnt be good parents for a variety of reasons. It is one thing to not want children but quite another to be apprehensive of the type of parents you would be. I think you need to decide which is the way you actually feel. Not wanting to be parents or not feeling you would be good at it and go from there. I never felt I would be good at it. Afterall these little cherubs do not come with an a-z and most of the time we just wing it and ask advice when we find someone who has done something similar but in a better way. Having said that, I have 6 children who are all strong, independent and loving and I am constantly amazed they are so because I have no idea what it was that I did to help them achieve that!! I must have done something right in spite of my fears and apprehension. I say this because I was raised with no loving stable parents around and in various childrens homes and therefore my fears of not getting it right made me try harder. Given that I had them because it was the right thing to do rather than a burning maternal instinct I dare to say I did okay. However, I do not recommend having children because it is expected or you feel you should. If it is just that you fear you wont get it right then look deeper into what you fear and see if you can overcome it. The hard work is rewarding and its amazing what you can achieve when challenged. If you truly do not want them then dont have them no matter what the pressure is from the outside to do something which will have such a huge impact on your lives. I wish you joy in whatever your decision

(4)
Anonymous,
October 26, 2005 12:00 AM

An interesting position...

I was intrigued by the rebbetzin's view on this issue, but her final anecdote seems a little flimsy. Is the sage implying that the people who don't want children the ones who should actually have them? :D I think a distinction needs to be made between people who feel awe/responsibility toward parenting (but who may nevertheless be willing to have children) and people who sincerely have no interest in raising children. I feel that it is simplistic to say that God intends everyone to have the same lifestyle. Diversity is the hallmark of reality, and doesn't God express His unity through diversity?

(3)
Dr Clive Feingold,
October 25, 2005 12:00 AM

Brilliant article that turns some of our value judgements on tneir heads

My wife and I love your articles.
Words from the heart that help us understand the reasons we are here.

(2)
Leanne,
October 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Parenting is the hardest job I could have imagined

I was so excited to become a parent. I planned on putting my career on hold to raise children. My husband and I were blessed with an energetic and strong-willed son. I can not even describe the challenges he presents us with on a minute-by-minute basis. It is the greatest test in patience I have ever endured and I am so sad to say that I have failed so many times. Thankfully we have also been successful at times too. Right now it is Sukkot and we love to have guests. I have hardly been able to visit with our guests because our two-year old can not be left alone for fear he will destroy something or someone. I thank Hashem everyday for our blessing but it is an enormous challenge. Hopefully Hashem will give us the strength to teach our son good middos with love and patience and gevurah too!

(1)
Laraine R. Silverman,
October 17, 2005 12:00 AM

Parenting is an "awesome" responsibility

I both sympathize and empathize with this couple's dilemma. I personally agonized over the decision to have a child, trying to balance my inclination against it with my husband's desire for a family. I was very involved with my demanding, time consuming career which appeared not to leave adequate time for child rearing. I also had a miserable childhood due to an abusive father and an enabling, co-dependent mother; I was worried about repeating these negative behaviors on my own child. With counseling and the unwavering support of my husband, we made the decision to have a family. I was blessed with a son, who was and is everything a parent would wish; kind, respectful, brilliant, thoughtful, and accomplished.
He is now a doctoral student at a well-known university and always has time for his parents. Whatever sacrifices I made pale in comparison to the joy and love that he has brought to our life. I can only wish that other couples facing this decision are as fortunate as my husband and I were and are.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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