Author. Walker. Badass.

#Fatastic

BFF and I, in general, usually do not pay attention to what other people think about us and our craziness. I mean….we are who we are and we tend to have a generally good time when we are together that includes lots of laughter. So, if we do this around others, consider yourselves lucky. You are welcome. When we are in a car, we really have a lot of fun because it usually involves singing at the top of our lungs and jamming out to good music. My god daughters can attest to this as they have been in many a car ride where BFF and I get down to the music blaring from the speakers. And I do mean blaring…I don’t listen to music softly. BFF used to complain about my music level in my car till recently when I got in her car and it was just as loud and we giggled that she was taking lessons from me. When we were in Phoenix for Little Red’s big day, this was no exception.

We were in my car, driving to the church to do our thing as Little Red’s Godmothers and were talking about something or another when one of our favorite new songs came on…Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars. What a great song. You just can’t be in a bad mood with that song. And unless you have been living under a rock, you know how catchy and dance worthy that song really is (video is down below for your enjoyment). So, there we were at a stoplight when it cam e on my Zune and BFF turns it up even louder so that I am sure it could be heard for blocks away. We like to share. And then it began…RANDOM DANCE PARTY!!!!! BFF and I are known for shouting this in certain situations (like a ride line at DL or an elevator) and dancing to our heart’s content. Try it sometime…it will make you laugh, smile and feel good. So we begin Random Car Dance Partying to heart’s content. And I mean full on car dancing. That car was rocking and rolling I tell you. There was singing, hair tossing, butt wiggling and synchronized arm movements. No car dancing is complete without synchronized arm movements. We really are pros at this. It is a skill I want to put on my resume: Car Dancing Skill Level: Expert. I think this could really help me someday in the workplace. I mean who wouldn’t want to hire someone with expert level car dancing skills. I know I would. The light was long so we enjoyed ourselves for almost the full song and continued car dancing as we turned onto the next street on our way to the church.

Suddenly, I hear honking and see out of the corner of my eye, a truck with some landscaper dudes in it frantically waving at me. Thinking maybe there is something wrong with my car, I roll down my window to see what they want, the music now spilling out for their enjoyment. BFF and I look at each other quizzically and then at the truck full of guys as they start cheering, clapping and giving us thumbs up. We glance at each other and BFF shrugs, not quite knowing what it is they want. Suddenly, as they hold up a piece of paper with a “10” written on it, it hits us…they must have been behind us at the light and witnessed our epic car dancing show. We bust out laughing and I yell at them “New show at the next stoplight!” BFF yells “Any requests?” as the hoots and hollers get louder and suddenly I have a feeling that they might make it rain dollar bills on us at the next stoplight if they could. They continue clapping as we take little bows and blush a tad bit having been caught in epic car dancing but hey….we need to keep up our skills. I mean…you are welcome guys in the landcaping truck. Glad we could make your day more enjoyable with a random dance party.

Take a lesson from BFF and I…turn up your music and have an epic car dance or do a Random Dance Party to the elevator music, the music in the grocery store or the music in your head. Go right now, turn on Uptown Funk and do it. You won’t regret it. You might even get some hoots, claps and some strange landscapers making it rain dollar bills on you while you do….although that last part is a little scary and I might have been afraid for our lives if the landscaper dudes had followed us all the way to the church. Don’t turn into to SOTL creepers landscaping dudes. Applauding is ok…creeping is not. And you are still welcome.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did hone my car dancing skills to the expert level and wonder if the landscaper dudes would turn creeper but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a BFF who likes to Random Dance Party and apparently we put on a good show at stoplights Running. The experiment continues…

Like this:

I love a good board game. I feel it is one of the best bonding experiences you can have with people. We played a lot of board games as children…my parents usually had a game night once a week. Therefore, when birthdays come around in my family, game night is usually the activity of choice for most of us. This was the case with Pocket GF’s birthday, where we played Geek Battle and just recently with BFF’s birthday where we were introduced to the wonderous game of Cards Against Humanity. Holy cow….if you have not played this game, then you must. It is hysterical and also NOT a family game. This one is for sure for adults only.

So, the basic premise of the game is you are handed answer cards with the most random, absurd and sometimes bordering on racist answers. A question is played and you pick an answer that you think is the best one (and usually highly inappropriate) and see if your answer is picked. I am not kidding you in saying that these answers are so random and inappropriate that I have never laughed so hard in my life playing a game. I am pretty sure we all pulled muscles laughing. I also loved that half the time, we would play a card and apologize because we knew it was inappropriate or bordering on racist. Let me give you some examples that might make you cringe, shake your head or laugh out loud. It’s ok if you do cuz I know we did. Lots.

The question card was “What is that smell?” I looked over my answers and had several I could have used. “Old people”…that is a good one. Hmmmm….what else do I have. “sperm whales”…nope that won’t work. OH! There it is…the card I cringed a little at playing but started giggling anyways. I placed it on the table and let Bubby pick it up to read. He immediately started looking at the cards and shaking his head while laughing. He almost could not read mine. Carefully trying not to laugh, he said “What is that smell? Auschwitz.” Clear winner for most inappropriate answer. The next best inappropriate answer was “pixellated bukkake” Who the hell comes up with these answers? Do I even want to know when you would answer a question with “Two midgets shitting in a bucket?” or “A Super Soaker filled with cat pee”? But honestly the winner of the internets that night was BFF when we got the following question: “Lifetime presents: _______. The story of ____________.” Her answer? “Lifetime presents: Dying. The story of Grandma.” Yup. That happened.

Other question and answers included: “What would you bring back in time to prove you were a powerful wizard? A: Tom Cruise” “If you were President, what department would you create? A: Mother fucking wizardry.” “They said it couldn’t be done. __________ in _________. A: A thousand points of light in a sperm whale.” “Miley Cyrus stars in a Disney Channel Movie where Hannah Montana discovers _____ for the first time. A: Pixellated bukkake” Oh and we had to explain pixellated bukkake to BFF. For reals. How the hell do you explain that? In telling this story to a group of our friends at a party yesterday, one of them even asked Siri what it was…go ahead. Try it. You won’t forget that term. Like ever. I am pretty sure we might all be going to Hell based on those answers and yet we laughed every single time. Good times. We also decided that the card that will ALWAYS win is “Sex with Patrick Stewart”. Always. Because sex with Patrick Stewart is why.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did discover how much laughter can be had in one game and that BFF did not know what pixellated bukkake was but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl playing highly inappropriate cards in a game without shame Running. The experiment continues…

Remember how I talked about how I sent some of my books to a charity called The Bookworm Box (btw link is here if you hover and several other links in this post!)? Well, every month, my absolute favorite author Colleen Hoover picks a charity or two to donate all the proceeds to…last month they raised over $11,000 that was donated. The boxes go on sale at a certain time and date and sell out fast!! Like within 10 minutes! Each box contains books from indie or best-selling authors and swag and other fun stuff. I lucked out and got myself one last month so I am excited to see it when it arrives this next week. Last month, however, I took a shot and wrote Colleen an email about a project I am involved in at work that needed funds. I am about to tell you about the power of an email.

A few years ago, our Peds/Picu unit lost someone very dear to us. One of our techs Stephen died suddenly in his sleep from a heart attack. He was beloved on our floor…he absolutely loved his job and the kiddos loved him. Stephen was an avid quilter and the quilts he made were gorgeous. When staff had babies or got married, you can bet they got a special quilt that Stephen made for them. His quilts were treasures and brought lots of children comfort. When he died, his partner J and I tried to figure out what to do with the donations that were given in his memory to the unit. We finally decided to put the funds to a perfect use: quilts for every child that comes through our unit that they can take home and bring them comfort while they are sick. We partnered with a phenomenal organization Quilts for Kids ….they have volunteers who make quilts and they send them to hospitals like ours, we just pay shipping (which adds up to about $1-2 a quilt). Stephen’s Quilts for Kids was started with these funds and every child who came through our doors has gotten a quilt. These quilts are a source of comfort and the nurses take great care in picking out one for each kiddo. It is a program I am so proud of because it keep Stephen’s memory alive…each quilt is tagged with a card explaining about him and the program so every parent knows why they are getting one.

Stephen quilting the last quilt he made before he died. It was for one of our staff members who was having a baby. Miss you my friend.

Recently, I realized that our funds were running low in our account to support this program and started brainstorming what to do to save it. It means so much to me, the kids, the staff and to Stephen’s partner J. It had to be saved! Knowing about The Bookworm Box, I took a shot. I wrote an email to Colleen Hoover, describing our program and pleaded that she make our small tiny little insignificant program a source of her donations. I wrote it after a night of working, so I am sure I rambled on and on and on without any commas, but I had to try right? A Fat Girl has to take a chance! I hit send and never heard a word back. Ok….well I tried.

Tonight, my Seester calls me and asks me if I watched the video Colleen had made about the upcoming Bookworm Boxes. Ummmm…No. I tried to watch the video but my phone was being persnickety. I had seen when they were coming out (Sunday April 19 at 3pm central time btw) and made an alarm in my phone so I could try and get one. What was the big deal? She starts screaming at me to go watch it like someone had died or something. What the heck? I was naked of course, as I was gonna get in the shower but answered her call (thank goodness it wasn’t a video call), so didn’t want to go to my computer. Frustrated, Seester plays the video and holds up her phone so I can hear it…and then it happened. I heard plain as day, Colleen Hoover say MY name and talk about our Stephen’s Quilts for Kids and how she was donating $5000 to us!! I can’t even. Naked screaming occurred and I ran around my house, completely bare ass naked screaming at my Seester on the phone. My curtains may have been open in my living room and I may have given the neighbors a show. Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy then occurred and I started sobbing. Sobbing so hard I couldn’t even talk to my Seester for a few minutes. Just watch…do your own Dance of Joy and let your eyes leak for a bit…

For reals. I cannot even begin to say how grateful I am that Colleen read my email and decided to help us. I just can’t even. More naked screaming might have occurred and I might have even forgotten to shower I was so excited. I also might have peed a little in excitement…thank goodness I have wood floors. So anyways…try and get your hands on a Bookworm Box this Sunday to help support us…I know I will! If you can’t and want to make a donation anyways then go to the link here for theFlagstaff Medical Center Foundation and make sure you designate your donation for Stephen Findley Quilts for Kids. This is an amazing opportunity for our kiddos that we serve. I am so glad I took a chance. Words have power. Emails can change lives. This is why Colleen is my favorite author EVER. Colleen Hoover…I want to be you when I grow up. Seriously. And from the bottom of my heart…THANK YOU!

Now excuse me, but my eyes are leaking and I need to maybe go shower since I forgot that earlier. Oh yeah…and maybe clean up a puddle of pee.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did have one of the most amazing things happen in memory of my friend Stephen but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who runs through her house naked while screaming and leaking pee Running. The experiment continues…

FOOD. Because we all like to eat, especially this Fat Girl…sometimes a little too much. Since I love to eat, I have decided to try something new and give you a food adventure. Nope, this one is NOT healthy but sometimes vacations are not. So, I would love to hear your feedback on this post and if you want more in the future! The first fatastic (no that is not a spelling error..just say it out loud. Fat…tastic. Get it? Pretty sure it is a hashtag that should be used all the time #Fatastic!) adventure we shall take together is the one I recently went to in Austin, Texas. And boy howdy did my Seester, CallieBear and I eat while we were there. I take food seriously my friends so I don’t mess around and my Seester has inherited this family trait so we always find good places to stuff food in our gobs. So let’s talk about Austin and the food trucks.

Austin is a quirky city but truly it has the best food trucks. I guess they are a thing there because they were everywhere and a lot of them in permanent locations. And by permanent, I mean, they never leave there and some of them are attached to foundations or have their tires flattened. I have never seen so many in a few block radius as I did there. It was like a Fat Girl dream come true…a foodapalooza if you will. If you have never taken a chance at a food truck, you really are missing out. First of all, they usually offer things you will never find in a brick and mortar location and it will be amazing. The food trucks we stumbled upon were quite by accident. We needed dessert (who doesn’t) so we googled dessert places near our hotel and found a chocolate themed place that we decided to give a shot called Holy Cacao located in a cute little place called The South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery. We were super excited to see it was all food trucks and immediately perused the menu. We all decided on something called a cake shake. Ok…picture this…take a slice of your favorite cake and a scoop of ice cream in a blender and turn it on. Why have I never thought of this before? A thick delicious shake filled with cake and ice cream flavors came and we about had orgasms in our mouths over these. For real. They were that delicious. I couldn’t even finish mine because it was so rich…which is a shame. Maybe I should invent a pie shake…because pie. Always pie.

While we were enjoying our orgasmic cake shakes, we discovered a taco stand that was next to it that was hopping. We decided if it was that busy, it must be good. So we came back the next night to eat at Torchy’s Tacos because any mexican food served out of a food truck is something that is scrumdilicious. We all ordered different things and then shared because we don’t care if we share spit when it comes to food. I mean, it is food and we are all friends (or family) and again it is food. The tacos were divine and we ate so much we needed to be rolled back to the car. I mean…fried avocado taco? Salmon taco? Barbacoa tacos? This place had everything every type of Fat Girl could want including mexican street corn. I channeled my inner Mexican here and about did a salsa in my seat while I was eating.

Channel your inner Mexican here…I did. You can see me and CallieBear on the left trying to decide what to shove in our gobs.Roll us back to the car!

The next morning, having not had enough food trucks, we decided to hit one last one we had heard about at the hotel called Gourdough’s Donuts…because donuts. Um…hello. You had me at donut. Who cares what kind. Oh but these donuts….holy deep fried donut heaven…best things I have had in oh I don’t know…FOREVER! I only wish they had them here because I would eat them every day. And watch my waistline expand…I might then become a gordough because they are so huge and so delicious that I cannot even begin to tell you. My mouth is watering right now just thinking about the ooey gooey fried bit of heaven that they are and how they need to be in my belly. We ordered three different ones so we could share (of course) and were handed these fresh fried delights topped with things like strawberries/whipped cream, cinnamon sugar/honey butter and last but not least cinnamon roll sugar/cream cheese icing. I am not joking when I say the sounds that occurred in my Seester’s car while we were eating could only be described as Fat Girl Piggie sounds of eating joy. I even decided it would be a good idea to drop some on my shirt so I could suck on it the whole car ride home and be in donut heaven. Don’t judge. Pretty sure I might have consumed my entire week’s worth of calories in one donut, but I didn’t care. I also might have taken an hour nap in the car afterwards because I was in a sugar coma.

So excited for donuts!Oh yes…this went in my mouth

I shoved so much food in my gob in a few days that I am surprised I could fit into the airplane seat on the way home and didn’t need a separate ticket for the donut alone. But, it was so worth it. A Fat Girl’s gotta eat, right? Or in my case…shove food into my gob and make happy pig sounds while I was eating. Yeah. That happened.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did take you on the first Fatastic Food Adventure but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl making happy pig sounds as I eat and doing a salsa in my chair Running. The experiment continues…