Please stop soliciting for babies. This is wrong in every way. Because you believe taking a baby from a birth mother who may or may not “be ready” for the responsibilities of parenting is a “blessing for everyone”, does not make you a parent. Step away from your need and toward the needs of the parents whose child you are considering taking (who through choices-or force-are dealing with financial, educational, and support issues that are beyond their ability). Help them keep their baby but please don’t ever take a baby. Adoption agencies and private adoption attorneys do not talk to these moms about how much they will regret giving up their children. They don’t talk to you about how much these moms suffer. But putting aside the mom’s suffering and postponed trauma, it’s a researched reality that children suffer when taken from their biological mom. They suffer trauma (A Primal Wound-Nancy Verrier) even when taken at birth. Open adoption is a fallacy and currently does not exist in a way that is enforceable. In essence, to offer an open adoption is coercion if a mom agrees to an adoption based upon it being open. Please stop soliciting for babies and start supporting family preservation. m

Pregnant Moms
Mothers who find themselves pregnant with an “untimely” baby need to use the nine months to educate themselves on how temporary circumstances change. Getting education, finding resources, and staying away from adoption influences until the education is complete gives the best chance of the baby’s best interest being met. Getting a prebirth match in an adoption plan sets up the circumstances for a decision of no return at worst and one that requires tremendous work to change at best. When circumstances create stress, tension, and general uneasiness, something needs to be changed. Giving up a baby doesn’t “fix” things. In fact, it complicates things beyond belief. Open adoption is a coercive, fraudulent tool used to convince a mom who was wavering into doing the “right and loving thing” for her child. If a mom must be coerced and convinced into placing a child (which includes offering financial support), the adoption just became a business deal meeting the needs of the parties creating the adoption agreement. The rights of the child are lost in such a transaction.

Unknowing Dads
Fathers find themselves in a weak position to even claim paternity depending upon when the pregnancy is revealed. If an adoption plan is made before the father realizes he is a father, it is typically too late to claim any parenting rights in nearly every state in the United States. Fathers have weak options of putative father registries and DNA testing which still do not provide any ability to parent a child in the process of being offered for adoption by the mother.

Judging and Morals
Judging the rightness or wrongness, moral choices, or social status of those who find themselves in an untimely pregnancy offers little justification to entitlement and does not heal the trauma and pain of losing a child to adoption. Judging that those who find themselves in such a pregnancy do not “deserve” what they get by being talked into placing their child to meet the needs of those who believe their needs (not able to conceive a child) are more worthy. Sadly, society, religious organizations – particularly churches and those who call themselves Christian – continue to promote adopting as a Christian obligation. Adoption has been characterized as a gift and a God “ordained” happening. This is too conveniently offered as the explanation for taking children from their families. Even foreign orphanages have been pillaged by the idea that the children in the orphanages would be better off in the U.S. with families. Educating oneself (from sources OTHER than adoption agencies) would be the prudent before even considering adoption. Find articles and books on the trauma of adoption. Search for resources that give the whole picture of adoption.

Adoption vs Abortion
The pro life argument offering adoption as a life saving option does not logically follow. Adoption options point to parenting choice, not life choice. The reasoning that a woman would a child to term (rather than aborting) then make the gut wrenching choice to permanently separate herself for a lifetime from her child, does not connect. Adoption agencies who tout an open adoption and an open relationship do not tell the mother that this arrangement leaves her feeling empty and guilt ridden even in the best of circumstances.

Working together as a society, through religious organizations and other family support venues to support the preservation of families is in the child’s best interest. Supporting biological families with what they need to raise children up in whole and healthy families would best serve the children and society as a whole. This goal is achievable. Working together, it can be done.

Notice of Proposed Rulemaking-Regulations for State Courts and Agencies in Indian Child Custody Proceedings-RIN 1076-AF25-Federal Register
(March 20, 2015)

We are writing this letter to commend the Department of the Interior and the Bureau of Indian Affairs on the release of their ICWA guidelines in February 2015 We also want to provide comments on the notice of public rulemaking regarding Regulations for state courts and agencies in Indian Child custody proceedings that was published in the federal register on March 20, 2015. These regulations and proposed rules are long overdue and will be instrumental in developing uniformity as to how, why and when ICWA applies in court proceedings across the nation.

We are a grassroots movement that was initially known as “Standing Our Ground for Veronica Brown.” Out of Veronica’s tragedy, came to be “Standing Our Ground for children” because we quickly learned that Veronica’s case was not an exception, it was the reality of what is happening to native children all over the country. ICWA is being manipulated and ignored and heartbroken families were crying out to us for help.

We have several points we would like to discuss and support.

State and Tribes have the ability to help families with financial concerns, social services, education for parents and meeting the needs of children. The new active efforts definition will be critical in getting these services to our families. Also, active efforts being invoked in the determination of an Indian child and the good cause to deviate from placement will ensure the resources to help families stay together are being utilized at their maximum potential. It will also encourage caseworkers to keep children with family placement and maintain the child’s ties to community, tribe and culture.

The new definition of custody is another important piece in that it recognizes our families under tribal law and tribal custom. It’s important to evaluate native children and their families from this lens and the new definition is welcome and appropriate.

We also appreciate that the new rule strikes down the Existing Indian Family exception. An Indian is not an Indian based on blood quantum and the courts should not be using the EIF or the term “identifiably native”. If courts asked “Americans” how much American blood they had or tried to determine how involved in American culture they were, there would be lawsuits from all over the place. Native families as members of sovereign nations should have as much respect.

Under the proposed rule, every party must be asked if they know this is an Indian child. Many people in Veronica’s case knew she was an Indian child and we don’t ever want to see that happen with another Indian child again. We support the threshold question, “is this an Indian child?”

We support the proposed rule’s clarification that the tribes should receive notice in voluntary proceedings. The adoption industry profits $13billion annually and this leads to a lot of unethical practices where children in adoption are concerned. Notice to the tribes will ensure the mother and family has the support and direction necessary to make an informed decision rather than a coerced decision.

The proposed regulations include the ability to protect the inherent rights of the child without the superfluous injection of the rights of the parents, courts, or outside parties. One way to enforce this right is giving the leverage to file malpractice claims against any entity overriding the child’s rights and the ability of an adult adoptee to lay claim to violations against their rights.

Thank you for your diligence and attention to the addition of these regulations. The rights of children to their culture, tribal community, families, and safety must be reinforced.

Pregnancy, while not entirely a shocker, can come at a time that may be very inconvenient. Bills, housing, education, relationship, family support, and someone to talk are the biggest obstacles to overcome when considering a choice in an untimely pregnancy. In fact, those ARE the typical obstacles when there is doubt about what to do after confirming your pregnancy.

Crazy considerations then flood your mind. Do I know for sure who the father may be? Do I tell him and risk lifelong difficulties in relating and negotiating with him? Another major thought can happen too-it was a big mistake, a one-night stand, a rape, or just a “misfit” partner. Many more thoughts come to mind depending on your specific circumstances.

Finally the big decisions begin to play into your thoughts. Should I have the baby? Should I abort the baby? If I have the baby, should I keep him? Depending on your core values, you may be able to quickly eliminate one or more of those options. How do you go about making such a life-long, life altering decision?

Family Preservation Outreach will offer assistance anywhere along the way. FPO is not an adoption agency; however, we assist you in looking at every option, including adoption. FPO goes much further in helping you look at options. FPO connects you with resources to support you in making such a big decision especially when you feel uncertain about who to trust with the news of your pregnancy.

FPO helps dads too. Dads many times want to support but a direct contact with pregnant mom isn’t possible. FPO can assist with the communication and support.

Extended family members, grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins may have questions and concerns. FPO will educate and provide support in the process the family goes through specific to an unplanned or (even “unwanted”) pregnancy. All you have to do is call. There is someone to talk to you. If you want help after talking with someone, your information will be held with the highest confidence. Your situation will be processed and you will be contacted within 24-48 hours to start the application process. There is no obligation or contract involved. You can change your mind throughout the process about any decision made.

FPO’s mission is to provide resources and education to help you make informed decisions about available options. Keep an eye here for future blogs on topics such as Adoption, Family Crisis & Parental Rights.