International

RHOC: “I would never want anybody to gangbang you.”

Last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion Part 1 went pretty much how you’d expect. The OC ladies are more than willing to catfight with each other in whatever setting they might be thrown in to, so there was plenty of drama and entertainment. People called each other fake, shifted alliances were called into question, Alexis continued to mispronounce things, Tamra’s hair was enormous.

As always, I zoned out during some of the more impenetrable shouting matches, but of the things that I did catch over all of the shrill squawking, some of them were actually sort of interesting. As is traditional with reunions, I’ve enumerated the stuff I learned after the jump. Thankfully things ended after an hour, because I was almost starting to feel a little twinge of sympathy for poor ol’ dumb Alexis. I’m sure I’ll be back to hating her at full speed when Part 2 of the reunion airs on Monday.

1. Gretchen and Tamra are still friends, Vicki and Tamra are still not. Gretchen and Tamra were even sitting next to each other on the couches, and Gretchen insisted that the rumors about their dueling engagements weren’t true. So. For their part, Vicki and Tamra both nearly cried while confirming that their feud lives on.

2. I don’t think that word means what you think it means. Andy Cohen doesn’t know the definition of “betwixt” – it means “between.” It’s not a synonym for “confused.” Also, Alexis thinks that she mispronounces things because she has an “accent.” I can’t even touch Vicki and her use of the term “gangbag.” Nope. Not touching it.

3. Heather is not amused with Alexis. I suspect that Heather dislikes Alexis for the same reason that Alexis rubs me the wrong way – she’s a weak-willed, intellectually bankrupt perpetual victim who glorifies a marriage model and a version of womanhood that are both straight out of the 1950s and entirely embarrassing to women who see themselves as functional humans without the instruction of a man. You can’t really discuss the history of gender roles in the context of a Real Housewives reunion, though, and I’m sure that even if anyone tried, that’d be the first bit of footage to hit the cutting room floor in favor of everyone learning about Vicki’s Botox schedule or something. Instead, Heather reminded Alexis that she’s a mean girl just like everyone else, and simply not a very funny one. In some far-off college town, a Women’s Studies grad student readies her dissertation. It’ll be called something like, “Botox, Boobs and Brawls: The Real Housewives and the 21st Century American Woman.”

4. Vicki blames Tamra for why everyone used to hate her. This ignores two things. First: Vicki does a lot of hatable things that have nothing to do with any of her friends working on her half to alienate others. Second: Most everybody still hates Vicki.

5. The montage of Brooks’ saccharine hillbilly nonsense was amazing. I’ll tell you what – yankee boys love a girl with a southern accent, no matter what we’re saying. It’s a phenomenon that I’ve tested myself with my own (amplified) twang. It looks like the same thing works when the genders are reversed; Brooks spends all of his time babbling about a whole lot of nothing, and even though Vicki admitted as much, she still eats it up because she’s just happy to have someone who will tell her what she wants to hear. Even if everyone involved knows it’s bullshit. Does that make anyone else kind of sad?

6. Vicki only cares what God hates when it’s convenient for what she’s complaining about. God hates divorce, but Vicki doesn’t so much care that he probably also hates that she’s having extramarital sex with Brooks while still married to Donn. Because Donn’s doing it too! God totally sees that, and he’ll cancel out Vicki’s sin because of Donn’s sin, because that’s totally how sin works in Christianity! Right?

7. Vicki was spitting straight up nonsense in general last night. She wrote a letter to the judge to try to get Brooks out of jail while he was imprisoned for not paying child support, but that doesn’t mean that she supports a man who doesn’t pay child support. Gretchen does, though, because she’s trying to encourage Slade to get his life in order (including his child support) instead of breaking up with him straight away. I tried to reason my way through that argument, but it made my eyes go crossed.

8. The most interesting moment of the evening was Heather’s accusation that Alexis treats the crew like trash. Everyone else on her couch nodded along with her, and although there’s no way for me to independently verify it right now, it pretty much groks with what we know about Alexis’ personality and her delusions of grandeur. People who don’t actually have all that much but who want to appear to others like they have everything do a lot of easy-to-spot things: they brag about depreciable assets like cars, they rent giant houses but mysteriously never buy one, they wear a fake ring because “the real one’s in the safe.” You know what they also do? Make sure that they treat the help like they assume rich, snooty people treat the help, so that everyone gets the idea that they are also rich and snooty and irritated to interact with those who are beneath them. I worked in retail for years, this is a known behavior.

9. Nordstrom is apparently the happening place in Orange County. In addition to treating the show’s crew like crap, apparently Alexis treats Nordstrom salesladies like crap, and then those salesladies vent to other cast members, who are all too happy to hear the gossip. I’m no Alexis defender at all, but fighting about things that anonymous Nordstrom staffers said is as boring as listening to people argue about tweets that we don’t get to see. If it’s not independently verifiable, let’s move it along unless it pertains directly to things that happened while making the show. At least the complaints about mistreatment of the crew have that going for them.

10. “Jesus Jugs” is trying a bit hard, Tamra. It’s Jesus Barbie or Jugs for Jesus, adding a third nickname for Alexis is reaching. Again, as much as I don’t like Alexis, let’s be reasonable, mmk?

So agree on number 10, quick wit is not Tamra’s forte. Keep it straight cupcake Heather is the wit because she has the mind for it and you (Tamra) are the muscle aka the enforcer of her evil doing. I cant remember which commenter pointed that out but after they mentioned it I kept seeing it play out that way. AND as a former retail person myself and assistant to many affluent people you are absolutely right about number 8, people with real money do not act like the staff is beneath them.

Laurakasbaum

Vicki’s justification of why she wrote that letter to get Brooks out of jail yet she doesn’t support a man who doesn’t pay child support made absolutely no sense. I absolutely hate Alexis. You’re right, someone who brags about depreciating assets and never has actually owned their home is suspect when it comes to their bragging rights. I was also thinking (and discussing with a friend yesterday) that if Alexis and Earth Jesus are renting their homes, what are the odds that most of the furniture, etc. come with the rental?

I was also starting to feel a little sympathetic towards Alexis, but that all went out the window when she had to bring up Jesus Jim’s birthday extravaganza and the PRIVATE JET…they chartered a private jet, y’all, and she MADE SURE everyone knew it. How perfectly that played in to the argument that she’s a braggart. It is just unbelievable how much this woman just doesn’t GET IT.

Tamra had that “Jesus Jugs” comment in her head and was waiting to spew it out. She’s so obviously attempting to come up with some spontaneous Bettheny-like clips; problem is, Bethanny’s were usually clever and actually not canned.

Tamra’s hair…I bet she fired that stylist…and Gretchen’s was just as bad. Did anyone else think Gretchen just looked worn out?

It’s too bad the 20/20 story featuring Brooks was aired after the reunion taping. Although it’s probably good for us viewers, because otherwise, we would surely have had a third reunion hour dedicated entirely to that subject.

I’m looking forward to hearing the big “bombshell” that Tamra drops on Vicki in part deux. I suspect it’s a secret between two people who were once friends (my guess is that it had to do with her seeing Brooks while she was still with Donn). In my book, no matter what happens when friends disconnect, only a slimy bitch reveals things that were said in confidence when two people were BFF’s. Whatever it is, my money’s on the fact that it’s a very low blow. Tamra is not someone I would trust…she will turn on you like a rabid dog. But to be fair, all the Housewives do just that.

http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

The discussion of Jim’s birthday party made me roll my eyes so hard that I’m surprised I didn’t do permanent damage. Just when it feels like maybe everyone’s being a little too mean even for me, she goes and says something that proves exactly why none of them are able to put up with her nonsense anymore.

No matter your religion or lack thereof, that nickname is so vile to me. I cannot imagine the nasty mind that would come up w/that!

KrisKitty1

The left couch’s synchronized reaction to the “PRIVATE PLANE” comment by Alexis made the reunion worth watching.

winterpenny

I usually love the reunion shows but am getting tired of everyone just yelling at each other. Heather is the only one who seemed to grasp that there is a proper way to behave and tried to make her points in a coherant manner.

Everything was pretty petty last night with the exception of:

1) Vicki needs to apologize to Gretchen for criticizing her on how she is handling Slade’s child support issues. If anything, it looks like Gretchen is pushing him to get his stuff together. Vicki is tacitly supporting Brook’s behavior. Isn’t it sad that Brooks had money to get his teeth fixed and buy Vicki a fur coat, but not enough money to pay child support?

2) The whole “Alexis is fake” thing is a bit of a stretch since most of them on the show are not real. Wasn’t it odd when Gretchen was talking about the conversation that she had with Alexis on the plane? She warned Alexis how it was going to go down, which totally supports the fact that this was set-up and was a deliberate “gang bang” on Alexis. Regardless, it seemed so stupid until Heather hinted at the abuse that Alexis and Jim inflict on the crew and local sales people. Unfortunately, it is so typical. Those posing or those who have not worked hard for their money seem to be the rudest, self-centered people. Those who are successful because of their own hard work typically value someone else’s hard work, regardless of what kind of work they are doing.

i don’t know, i can’t help but feel somewhat sorry for Alexis. I’ve always had zero tolerance for people who flaunt their $ and/or conduct themselves with a sense of entitlement, but i really don’t think Alexis is in any way a malicious person. no matter how obnoxious she can be, she doesn’t deserve to be ganged up on in that matter. i think she was truly surprised in Costa Rica to learn that the women all felt the way they do about her. the housewives go way too far out of their way to yell at her, and it’s just sad

Suz

The biggest surprise to Alexis in Costa Rico was she wasn’t in Mexico….

http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

ZING.

twirler

and since her lips were brought up, can Gretchen just admit she had a boob job already?! she strongly denied it on the last reunion, but she went from being flat as a pancake to having cleavage even without wearing a bra

Kate M

Thanks for the great recap. I had a hard time keeping up last night because I kept getting distracted by Tamra’s hair. I just figured out why I couldn’t stop staring…I think she borrowed one of Kim Z’s wigs! Not a good look for her…

Vicki is just insane or too gin-soaked and needy to make any kind of sense.

Denise

I too was distracted by Tamra’s wig! It looked so fake. Why on earth would she wear that? LOL She’s a pretty woman, but being so nasty all the time makes her very ugly…

Reality Junkie

Denise, my sentiments exactly! I have tried hard to like Tamra- Lord knows, I want to like SOMEONE on this show- but she is just such a mean girl that she makes it impossible. She turns on her faux friends in a heartbeat. As soon as Heather came on the scene, Tamra knew it was in her best interests to align with her. The moment she buried the hatchet with Gretchen, she relished in the fact that Vicki would be hurt, and then used Brooks as a reason to distance herself from her former best friend. I dislike Brooks as much as anyone else does, but Vicki’s relationship with him- and her inevitable humiliating breakup- was reason for a TRUE friend to stick by her and be there to hold her hand when it all comes crashing down. Oddly enough, when that happens (and it’s probably going to be soon, since Brooks was the subject of a recent 20/20 “deadbeat dad” segment), it looks like Vicki’s only Housewife friend will be Alexis. Tamra is one of those girls we all know who can only have a couple of close friends at a time.

SuperFash

And the orange glow tan.

Suz

DVR’d the show, but so far I haven’t been able to get past Gretchen looking like a cross between an honest-to-God life-sized Barbie Doll and Donald Trump….and Tamara who looked like a malformed Bobble Head Doll. Did they not look in a mirror before they step out on the set? And, OMG,,,,Alexis is just so stupid it’s hard to imagine she can function at all…..

Kmostl

I simply do not get the luv for Heather. Living extravagantly off your husband’s crappy plastic surgery business is nothing to be proud of. Google his physician ratings..he kinda sucks. If I was Heather, I focus more on my Daddy Warbucks ie trying washing your hands and wearing gloves, honey. Alexis is what she is but going after the dumb bimbo even if you hide it under “but I’m being your true friend” is the definition of being a bully. What BS.
Pull that stick out of your ass, Heather.

Masteraetina

She’s a housewife, that’s what they do. Stay home and raise their kids. She married well, good for her.

Bravochick

Isn’t the name of the show “The Real Housewives of the OC”? Heather is a housewife and she has the best personality.

Relli

Whoa, whoa Radar just posted a preview of next week’s reunion and its mentioned that Donn was having an affair behind Vicki’s back for 20 years… AND THEY ALL KNEW including Vicki! Jeez, maybe they should show their real lives and not fabricated story lines, that in itself seems more interesting than half of the story lines projected by the producers. I now see why she does not want to give him spousal support and where can i find this 20/20 segment on Brooks?

Kristen

Lighting at the Reunion shows do WONDERS for these womens skin compared to how crazy their skin looks on the actual show. (ex. Gretchen, Vicki). I now want a personal lighting crew.

Nancy

Love the title of this blog, Amanda! Hilarious! (does Vicki really not know the definition of gang bang? Time to come out from behind those gates!)