Monday, May 5, 2008

EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE

If you watch "LAW & ORDER" re-runs as often as I do--then you realize that the strength of a prosecutor's case rest on the following items: motive, opportunity and murder weapon.

In today's episode of "EDELBLUM MYSTERY THEATRE," you the viewer, get to weigh the evidence against the accused while playing judge, jury and if necessary--executioner.

My relationship, over the last six-plus years, with BOOB, my evil, classless and stupid next-door neighbor has been strained to say the least. Of course I don't want to say or do anything that might cause you to be biased against him but it should be noted that he's also *stupid, a control freak and may be of Austrian descent...yes, he has no basement...but, he DOES have an attic! And I bet, that attic is off-limits to his strange wife.

* I repeated "stupid" purposely because he's more than merely stupid--plus, I like calling him stupid.

The shenanigans in question occurred yesterday, the day I chose to get my sprinkler system up and running. Before getting to that task, I left the house to walk our dog (Roxy). Coincidentally, my neighbor BOOB was pulling debris out of a sprinkler head that lies side-by-side with one of mine. I don't want to further influence you negatively against this moron but I walk the dog the other way because he once said to Andrew (my son) that he'd kill the dog if it ever peed on his lawn.

Later yesterday afternoon, I turned on my water. I remembered that at the end of last season that my system was intact and in fine working condition.

The area away from BOOB's house is the first zone to get watered. One sprinkler head needed to be adjusted and then I noticed that the protective lid was cracked and was no longer attached to the unit. This undoubtedly happened from being driven on AND, on top of general wear and tear, it should be taken into account that it was an original (19+ years) piece of equipment.

I was satisfied that zone-one was up and running as zone-two (near BOOB) belched and farted as water ran through it for the first time. However, the stream coming from three of the four heads was weak, but non-existent from the one next to where BOOB was working...a mere ninety minutes earlier.

The protective lid on this (three year old) sprinkler was also detached but wasn't cracked. Inside, the actual mechanism had been broken into three parts. This evidence does NOT lend itself to being crushed by a car.

So I beseech you fine readers of MORE GLIB ThAN PROFOUND, does BOOB have enough of a motive to do such a dastardly deed...or is he just STUPID, stupid?

Did BOOB have opportunity...well he had the time it took to walk the dog. This becomes more plausible if you're a conspiracy theorist...because Bob could have been clocking my movements for months waiting for his chance to sabotage my sprinkler.

And of course, what about his weapon of mass destruction, well, he was clearly seen with the tools necessary to repair/adjust his own sprinkler problems. Which could have just as easily been used as the implements of doom to mine.

Or is it all a coincidence? Because if it isn't a coincidence how should I proceed against him. Considering I do not have corroborating witnesses and the evidence is purely circumstantial because, I didn't actually see him tampering with anything. Plus, I have been unmercilessly and unnecessarily MF'ed by this "gentleman" on several previous occasions and therefore would prefer to avoid a confrontation--especially if I'm wrong.

NEIL ARMSTRONG - ASTRONAUNT (1930-2012)

MARCEL MARCEAU - MIME, ACTOR (1923-2007)

"FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALL MIGHTY, I'M FREE AT LAST." and "DARKNESS CANNOT DRIVE OUT DARKNESS. ONLY LIGHT CAN DO THAT. HATE CANNOT DRIVE OUT HATE. ONLY LOVE CAN DO THAT." and "I HAVE A DREAM THAT MY FOUR LITTLE CHILDREN WILL ONE DAY LIVE IN A NATION WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN, BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER."

LINDSAY NELSON - SPORTSCASTER - (1919-1995)

"THEY, (THE 1962, NEW YORK METS), PLAYED FOR FUN, BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T PLAY ANY OTHER WAY."

SAM LEVENSON - HUMORIST-JOURNALIST (1911-1980)

IF YOU DIE IN AN ELEVATOR, BE SURE TO PRESS THE "UP" BUTTON.

BUDDHA (SIDDHARTHA GAUTAMA) - SPIRITUAL TEACHER (c. 563 BC - 483 BC)

"THOUSANDS OF CANDLES CAN BE LIT FROM A SINGLE CANDLE, AND THE LIFE OF THE CANDLE WILL NOT BE SHORTENED. HAPPINESS NEVER DECREASES BY BEING SHARED." and "YOU CAN SEARCH THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE FOR SOMEONE MORE DESERVING OF YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION THAN YOU ARE YOURSELF AND THAT PERSON IS NOT TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE. YOU YOURSELF, AS MUCH AS ANYBODY IN THE UNIVERSE, DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION."

MOTHER TERESA - NUN & MISSIONARY (1910-1997)

"I KNOW GOD WILL NOT GIVE ME ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE, I JUST WISH HE DIDN'T TRUST ME SO MUCH."

SHIRLEY JACKSON - AUTHOR (1916-1965)

"I HAVE OFTEN NOTICED THAT ONE CAN OBSERVE WITH DETATCHMENT, SIGHTS THAT WHEN PUT INTO WORDS BECOME DISGUSTING."

MALCOLM X. - CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST, CLERGYMAN (1925-1965)

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLIND WITH PATRIOTISM THAT YOU CAN'T FACE REALITY. WRONG IS WRONG NO MATTER WHO SAYS IT OR DOES IT."

MEL BLANC - VOICE ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1908-1989)

"THAT'S ALL FOLKS!"

MUHAMMAD ALI - BOXER, SOCIAL ACTIVIST (1942-Present)

"I AM THE GREATEST."

JACKIE GLEASON - ACTOR, COMEDIAN (1916-1987)

"THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO WITH MONEY... IS SAVE IT."

JAWAHARLAL NEHRU - 1st PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA - 1889-1964

"LIFE IS LIKE A GAME OF CARDS, THE HAND YOU ARE DEALT IS DETERMINISM. THE WAY YOU PLAY IT, IS FREE WILL."

HARRY TRUMAN - 33RD U.S. PRESIDENT - (1884-1972)

"IT'S A RECESSION WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR LOSES HIS JOB; IT'S A DEPRESSION WHEN YOU LOSE YOURS."

EDGAR ALLAN POE - AUTHOR (1809-1849)

"I HAVE NO FAITH IN HUMAN PERFECTABILITY. I THINK THAT HUMAN EXERTION WILL HAVE NO APPRECIABLE EFFECT UPON HUMANITY. MAN IS NOW ONLY MORE ACTIVE-NOT MORE HAPPY-NOR WISE, THAN HE WAS 6000 YEARS AGO."

CONFUCIUS - SOCIAL PHILOSOPHER - (551 BC - 479 BC)

"NEVER IMPOSE ONTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WOULD NOT CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF."

RODNEY DANGERFIELD - ACTOR - COMEDIAN - (1921-2004)

MY LUCK IS SO BAD, IF I INVESTED IN A CEMETERY, PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING....Dangerfield's Tombstone, "THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD."

ZSA ZSA GABOR - ACTRESS - (1917-PRESENT)

"I NEVER HATED A MAN ENOUGH TO GIVE BACK HIS DIAMONDS."

RONALD REAGAN - 40th U.S. PRESIDENT - ACTOR (1911-2004)

"IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT POLITICS IS THE SECOND OLDEST PROFESSION. I HAVE LEARNED THAT IT BEARS A STRIKING RESEMBLENCE TO THE FIRST.'

HASKEL "HY" EDELBLUM - FATHER, ROLE MODEL, ARTIST (1928-1995)

"IF SOMEONE IS TALKING TO THEM SELF AND YOU ANSWER, THEN THEY AREN'T TALKING TO THEM SELF."

OPRAH WINFREY TV Host, Producer, Philantropist (1954 to Present)

"CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR AND ANOTHER CHANCE TO GET IT RIGHT." and "YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. YOU JUST CAN'T HAVE IT ALL AT ONCE."

ERMA BOMBECK - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1927-1996)

SHOPPING IS A WOMAN THING. IT'S A CONTACT SPORT LIKE FOOTBALL. WOMEN ENJOY THE SCRIMMAGE, THE NOISY CROWDS, THE DANGER OF BEING TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND THE ECSTASY OF THE PURCHASE.

TRUMAN CAPOTE - AUTHOR, HUMORIST (1924-1984)

LIFE IS A MODERATELY GOOD PLAY WITH A BADLY WRITTEN THIRD ACT.

CLARENCE DARROW - LAWYER (1857-1938)

AS LONG AS THE WORLD SHALL LAST THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONGS AND IF NO MAN OBJECTED AND NO MAN REBELLED, THESE WRONGS WOULD LAST FOREVER.