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Concerned parent...At a total loss.

Hello everyone, this one is a mess. and I need some advice. Let me just start from the beginning and give you all a little background on me. I served in the Army as a Green Beret, so my social and parenting skills are probably not he best in the world but I care for my two step kids as if they were my own kids. I met my wife 14 years ago and she has two kids from a previous marriage. The daughter, who is now 20 started seeing this guy and brought him home to meet us after they had been dating for a week. He stayed with us for 4 days. During the four days, my wife and I noticed several key things that just did not sit well with us. He was belittling to her in front of us, ordered (not asked) for her to get him things. But, she seemed quite happy, so we decided to let these things pass. But at the end of the four days, he literally just jumped up off the couch, went to the bedroom and grabbed his stuff and flew out the door...Not so much as a single "thank you for the hospitality and feeding me for four days and it was nice meeting you." Yup, out the door without saying good-bye.
So, me and my wife began discussing our feelings on him. She asked me if we could do a free background check, as something just didn't sit well with her. So we did, it turns out he has a rather extensive criminal record. Enticing a minor over the internet (8 years ago), 2 assault charges, 1 battery, disturbing the peace, and so on. It also turns out that the two assaults and the battery were filed by previous girlfriends. I have a few connections in the CIA, so I had a friend of mine look into him a bit further. He has told me to get her out of this relationship, it will end up with her being abused. He disclosed thing on the guy that furthered my concerns, but since the information is not public record, I can not admit to knowing these things nor discuss it even with my wife; only thing I can say is they are recent and ongoing police investigations.
And therein lies the problem. She will not listen to me or her mother, she believes his lies over our truths; truths I have court documents to back up my statements, actual police reports filed by the girlfriends and witness statements. All of these documents contradict the stories she tells us he showed her the the court documents on. So he tells her a fabrication about the cases and that he has a court document proving his lies but doesn't provide it and she believes him is my summation.
Then, last week, her bank account became overdrawn from a $30 transaction she knew nothing about. Further investigation by the bank has HIS name on the electronic check and he is not on the account. Her bank told her she had to file a police report. The police told her not to have any contact with him; If he calls, texts or emails her, she is to ignore it. Last night, he called every minute on the nose for 20 minutes. Sent her about 100 texts asking her why she wouldn't talk to him. I sent him a text on her phone telling him the police have told me not to talk to you, if you keep texting me and calling, I will consider it harassment and call the police. And the texts stopped. I thought we had finally gotten through her thick skull...
Then today, we find she has been texting and calling him (verizon wireless records) in contrast to what the police have told her. I am legitimately concerned that he will smooth talk his way back into her life with more lies and deceit. I know my temper...And couple that with an 4 time combat veteran of the Special Forces and I am now concerned for his safety. I am beyond mad at both of them. Her for being so naive and him for being a lying piece of ****. Aside from puttin an ass whoopin on him the likes he has never seen, what the hell can I do? I need to get it through her head this guy is bad news. Three times a domestic violence offender tells me he will not change, but she believes he will. Someone give me some advice on what I can say to her to open her eyes before he does actually hit her and I end up on death row for committing a gruesome murder.

Re: Concerned parent...At a total loss.

You are in a tricky spot DocHoof

I say this with the utmost respect....ordering her not to see him, forbidding, telling her she cant etc is not going to help. I know its hard but somehow we need her to see and find out for herself what this guy is truly like.

I dont have any great ideas at the moment, i posted mainly to say hello, to welcome you to the forum and to just let you know that m trying to think of something. I can imagine how much it must be hurting you and i can imagine what you wish to do to him.....but at this stage, mate, you need to play it very cool

Neuturing or maiming him will most definately compund the issue.......leave him intact until your daughter can see what he is really like.

Re: Concerned parent...At a total loss.

As hurtful as it must be, you are powerless to offer her much protection. She has been warned, the warning signs are obvious. And she still persists in seeing the guy. Youthful naivete.

Forbidding her to see him / call him won't have much of an effect, and probably will only backfire (because he will try to convince her that everyone is against him and her, and she may be tempted to believe that).

At 20, we tend to think we know it all, and know it better than our parents. That seems to be the case here as well. So better to state your case and make it clear she deserves to be treated with respect - respect that cuts both ways (from you towards her, and from him towards her).

Let her do whatever she wants to do after that, even if you do not agree with the choices. I know that will be difficult, but it is better to keep open the lines of communication, so that she is fully aware that you and your wife will be supportive of her when she needs you. You don't want to end up in the situation that she is trapped in an abusive relationship AND does not feel she can talk to anyone about it.

It really is difficult knowing you can't do more, other than protecting your and her assets. Once she sees his true colours, she will also respect you and your wife's views more, and hopefully give them more weight in the future. Hopefully she will learn from the experience, and pick a better man in the future.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. - Rabindranath Tagore

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. - Friedrich Schiller

The only philosophy which can be responsibly practised in face of despair is the attempt to contemplate all things as they would present themselves from the standpoint of redemption. - Theodor Adorno

Re: Concerned parent...At a total loss.

I have kids and can totally understand your despair at what your daughter is doing with her life and your desire to protect her.

Having said that there are a couple of things in your post that rang alarm bells for me. Your daughter has a right to do with her life what she wishes. You have a right to try and disuade her from making mistakes. You don't have the right to use her phone to text him pretending to be her unless she has agreed to this course of action. You don't have the right to prevent her from living her life as she sees fit, even if you know she is making mistakes and may get hurt.

I'm sure your step daughter has benefitted enormously from your love and care. I may be mistaken but you sound like you are quite an in charge kind of guy. That will have had many advantages. I'd like you to consider whether maybe one of this disadvantages from her point of view is that she may be used to guys who like being in control and may be unused to relying on her own judgement, depending instead on the force of arguments made by others to guide her judgement.

My advice to you is to give your daughter unconditional love and acceptance and show her that being a man also means respecting her choices, even if they are the wrong ones. This doesn't mean that you should not also continue to share your fears with her and encourage her to have nothing to do with him. As for your temper, that is your issue to deal with, not hers.

Re: Concerned parent...At a total loss.

i have 2 daughters, one is 23 and the other is 20 now. i can certainly understand where you're coming from because i have been there many many times and still am there with my oldest.

having said that, i have given up on trying to stear my girls away from the wrong nasty bad guy. it just doesn't work. what this does is make them stay with the guy in spite of us. you would think i would've known this as i was a young girl myself and did the same thing with my parents but, being in the mother's shoes, i thought it would be different for me and my girls would "listen" to what i had to say and get rid of him. didn't happen.

i know it's hard to do but the only thing you can do is nothing. your daughter will need to learn how to deal with this on her own. she will need to find out about this guy on her own and when she does, she will go to you. the last thing she'll want to hear is an i told you so so being there for her when she does wake up and smell the coffe so to speak is what she needs from you.

it's really really hard to sit back and watch your kids make huge mistakes, dometimes dangerous ones, but, the only way they learn anything is to learn it on their own. they have to feel it to learn it.

believe me, if there was a way, i would deffinaately welcome it! wish there was a magic remedy for these kind of things.