A girl finding her way in this crazy world.

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Monthly Archives: January 2014

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This post will be a bit different from the others I’ve done, but not completely. I just feel this is something I’d like to talk, or rather write, about. This year my biggest resolution was to be happier, not only in general, but with myself. I have this really bad habit of letting everything get me down, it’s just how I am. I’ve been like this for a few years now, I wish I knew why, but I’m not good at being optimistic. It’s not that I can’t be, it just takes a lot of thinking and effort and usually I’m really down and just don’t want to put in that effort.

That’s my problem, I never knew how to really stay strong, granted I’m not the kind of person to break down into tears in front of people, most of my friends have never seen me cry. I have this skill where I can keep calm on the exterior through almost anything, because it’s what I have to do. What people don’t see is the anxiety, the fear, the panic that is constantly going on in my mind. It keeps me from ever truly being happy, no matter how much I smile it feels forced, it seems weak. I feel trapped.

How is that fair? To be trapped in one’s own mind? It’s not fair, but neither is anything else right? It drives me absolutely mad, like I’m just ready to lash out at something. I want to escape, I want to run and never stop. I want to get away from people, I want to go to the woods and just never have to see anyone again because I’m tired of the anxiety people bring to me. I make myself panic enough, people only make it worse. I avoid people, in fact I may go as far to say I loathe them. Those people I call my friends, no matter how much I feel like I like them, my mind doesn’t, my mind tells me they’ll betray me, they’ll turn their back on me. They wouldn’t be the first.

This constant panic, this feeling of being trapped, it makes me weak. I never stand up to it, I’m afraid of standing up to myself. Although other people make me panic inside I never am afraid to stand up to someone else, I block my mind out and do what I have to do, but when I have to face myself I cower. How do you face someone who makes you so weak? It’s not even real, it’s all in my head and I know it, but I still allow it to continue. I tell people I’m happy because that’s what they want to hear. I brush on a smile, bite my tongue and play along. It’s almost like a game sometimes, the whole time I just wait for the one person who will see right through my act, they haven’t shown up yet. Till then, I’ll continue my little game.

Sometimes I feel like I genuinely am happy, then it fades again. Happiness and me don’t seem to be friends. I avoid it and it seems to do the same. I like how this works, not because it’s how I’d have chosen for things to be, but because it’s what I’m used to. This makes me weak. I’m too much of a coward to face all of this, I know each and every little detail to be true, all of it is quite silly. Why do I continue to talk down to myself, allow myself to panic, to be unhappy. I guess it’s because it’s what works, when people say to me “You’re so strong.” I just smile and thank them because, really, it’s all I can do. I’m not strong though, I hide behind someone I’m not because it’s easier that way.

Fake it till you make it right? Maybe if I pretend to be strong long enough I’ll become strong. I don’t know how to feel honestly. I want to feel happiness, I want to be in control, I want to follow my dreams. I want to be happy with who I am that way I can be happy with other things, but to achieve that goal I’ll need to stop being a coward. I know I’m going to run though, and that scares me even more than just standing idly by watching myself fall to pieces. I need to continue to pretend to be strong though, it’s the only thing holding me together. Without this I am nothing.

Appreciation, such a simple thing isn’t it? Then why is it so hard to come by? This new year is truly a new beginning, it’s time for us to take that chance for real. Want to lose some weight? Great. Want to make more money? Wonderful. Want to go to college? Amazing. But it all comes down to one thing, appreciation. We need to appreciate ourselves, that’s what all those little goals add up to, they help us appreciate ourselves that much more. I have a million and one goals that I’d love to obtain this year, but my biggest one is to appreciate myself just a bit more.

I’m just like everyone else, sometimes I’m really disappointed in myself because I know I may not have done my best, but we have to learn somehow, we need to take each day as it is. Yes, we need to live like it’s our last day, because it’ll teach up to have a bit of appreciation for life. Life is a continuous journey, and appreciation is one of the stepping stones, so let’s not skip over it. I promise that when you give yourself just a little more credit, stop being so hard on yourself and have a bit of appreciation for yourself, you’re going to be much happier. I went ahead and started the New Year with having fun, because ya know what? I deserved it.

I have so many goals that I want to achieve this year, I want to start up my own business and get it going, I want to get my puppy and start training, I want to be happier with myself, I want to try a little harder to make relationships work, I want to be a better friend, but most of all I want to learn to appreciate myself. We constantly expect for people to respect and appreciate us, but our problem is, even when we don’t realize it, is that we don’t do those things for ourselves so why would someone else do them if we don’t? We’ve been told this our whole lives, it’s kind of one of those you get what you give situations, granted no matter how much you appreciate yourself there’s going to be those jerks who can’t stand you. That’s life though.

What I’m going for here is that I think this year we need to focus on ourselves, if that means losing some weight, getting healthier, making more money, going to college, or anything than by all means go for it, but give yourself a little credit. Most people who know me know that I’m perfectly fine with taking the back seat, with not being noticed, because I don’t like being the center of attention, even my own attention. I’m bad about not giving myself credit for the things I’m good at, but it’s time that changes. This is the year of change. So with this I leave you until next time my dearies, much love and a tremendous amount of luck in whatever you have planned to do for yourself this year, I hope that it takes you far.