Welcome to the chronicles of a bi-racial Canadian. This blog is dedicated to the celebration of my being thin and Brown. My family is White but I turned out Taupe. I’m not sure how this happened but what I am sure of is that the stories that have come out of this predicament have a tendency to provoke tremendous laughter. I invite you to join me in laughing at myself and all the many things in this world that are ridiculous (Mariah Carey, I’m talking to you). Sit back and enjoy; Brown and Thin!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Gone With The Wind!

When I first found out I was moving to Texas, my mind was flooded with stereotypical of images of toothless cowboy hat wearing rednecks basking in the blazing sun 12 months of the year. The first half of that stereotype turned out to be only partially true and apparently so has the second half of my statement. Not only was I slightly disappointed that the city of Dallas wasn't completely filled with rednecks but in fact the state of Texas is not bestowed upon a year round sun glow. I assumed that there would be a slightly mild winter so I was slightly surprised to find myself sporting, on a few occasions, my full length wool trench coat with matching hat and baby seal gloves (I do not own gloves made from baby seals but it just worked rhythmically with the sentence). I came to Texas in September when the weather Gods were feeling quite generous with their giving of heat in a very consistent way. After only a few days on my roof sporting a red speedo, I found myself looking quite golden instantaneously. However, as the months have gone by I have become increasingly disappointed with Texas and its undecided weather. Since October, one day it's raining, the next it's unbearably hot, and the next there's ice on the ground all within the span of one week. I keep telling myself that summer is coming but as we move closer to the month of June I have been growing rather impatient. The culmination of my frustration was established Tuesday evening. During that day it had been lovely and warm, I was finally ready for the first time in 2011 to sport my flip flops and shorts which signaled (for me at least) the starting of this overdue summer season. I had to be at work in the evening so around 4 o'clock I sported myself in my delicious summer outfit and pranced on over for work for a 5 o'clock start. And then came the wind......

I noticed as I got off the train and was walking to work that I seemed to be moving at a speed equivalent to the bionic man. I felt like I was on one of those bizarre walking escalators that act as a hyper speed runway in the middle of the airport for no reason. I began to wonder what gave my muscles the impetus to move so quickly, only to find out that there were ENORMOUS gusts of wind propelling me forward in the direction of the building I was heading to. "I'm not THAT late for work!" I said to Jesus. I figured the Lord was just trying to help a brother get to work on time by summoning the weather Gods. I appreciated the help but it was more important to me in that moment that I arrived at my job alive. I had seriously never seen or felt wind like this in my life. I was just waiting for entire trees to start bouncing down the road. But alas, I made it inside the building safely and on time by the way. Praise the Lord. Now all the madness was over, or so I thought.

I, and all the rest of my fellow employees, were set to finish work at 10pm. Around 9pm we got word that there was a violent storm occurring outside. In fact, the entire city was on tornado watch (which I understand is worse than tornado warning)! I had foolishly consumed a large cup of coffee some hours previous. This, in combination with the news I had just heard, caused me to run quickly to the nearest toilet. This was NOT going to be pretty (I mean the weather of course)! Once I returned from the loo, we were informed that should the conditions get worse that we would have to commune in the basement until the storm passed. Really? Is that seriously a good idea? Do I really want to be stuck under a million pound building made of brick and mortar that could potentially be collapsed by the big bad wolf outside? I quickly dismissed these thoughts and realized I was panicking too soon! This was not good for my large intestine. I calmed myself down and just focused on the fact that we had not yet been sent down to the dungeon of doom just yet. However, a few minutes later, we were in fact told that the storm was headed in our very direction and we would have to head down to the precipice of death (the basement) for an indeterminable amount of time. Does anybody have a clean pair of underpants I could borrow?

I have never smoked marijuana in my life, nor have I ever had any interest in doing so. However, I for the first time, felt like I was in some serious need of ganja at that very moment. As we all huddled in the basement on some couches and chairs in front of the television all I kept thinking was "I have absolutely no alcohol at my disposal". Over Christmas time, I had considered buying myself a flask to commemorate the holiday season but then realized that doing so may be slightly inappropriate considering Jesus's birthday was right around the corner. Now it's May and I have had PLENTY of time to invest in a flask but I have so stupidly not taken the opportunity to do so. And now I TRULY was in need. As the newscast came on, I was reminded yet again of how AWFUL the newscasters are when reporting detrimental weather. It was a repeat of the exact kind of language I had heard during the reports this past December when I was stuck in front of a television at the Greyhound Station during an awful storm that prevented our bus going to New York City. These newscasters are SO DRAMATIC; it's totally unnecessary. Whenever these news bitches start using words like "catastrophic", "abominable", "the worst weather conditions since the beginning of time", all while showing footage of dogs being blown away by Hurricane Betsy, I am always in such disbelief as to why they are putting we poor innocent civilians under even more stress! This is why the sale of Pepto Bismol has sky rocketed since this economic disaster. The newscasters have been putting all of us through so much stress that we are forced to purchase copious amounts of Pepto Bismol to cope with our diarrhea. Clearly there's an underhanded deal going on between Fox News and Pepto Bismol. Once the gigantic blood red block sized letters began flashing violently on the screen reading SEVERE WEATHER WARNING paired with loud alarm sounds blaring in conjunction with each flash, I thought that things were at their worst. I was right! I began sweating profusely and running back and forth from the bathroom uncontrollably. I was an absolute wreck all the while trying to stay calm amongst the 20 other people stuck in the small room glued to the television. This bi-racial Canadian was about to crack (like a Brown egg).

There was only one thing that would save my sanity in that moment (and it wasn't Jesus because that little bitch had bailed on me hours ago when he pulled that wind push stunt!). In fact, my only saving grace that evening during "the worst storm the city had seen in years" was a dirty little gem named Kirstie Alley! That's right, the severe weather warning bullshit was brutally interrupted by the season finale of Dancing With The Stars! My "woe is me" attitude became completely wayward when I found out I was going to watch a beached humpback whale perform in heels! My excitement over such ridiculous antics is amplified by the fact that I do not own a television or computer (I write my blogs in a public business center which has no access to YouTube or anything of the sort) and therefore I seldomly get wind of such deliciously embarrassing performances! I was more than thrilled. My eyes grew double the size (somewhat to accommodate Kirstie Alley's image on the screen) in complete anticipation of what I was about to see. It was the top three finalists! Kirstie was competing against a football player named Hines Ward and some skinny bitch whom I didn't care about for the fact that there was nothing particularly awkward or ridiculous about her (What's the fun in that?). The channel cut into the program just in time for me to see the "Look Who's Talking" star deliver the most bizarre performance of her lifetime. I can't explain to you how much I love that show. It's just so delightful to me to watch people look awkward. It brings me joy to no end. I have to say, Kirstie Alley actually looked pretty good. She had clearly lost a lot of weight (again), her face work looked like it had settled in nicely, and her weave stayed in! Listen, that's what I call a winner in Hollywood! I paid little attention to the gargantuan-sized football player and even less to the skinny Atkins bitch with a dream. I was completely mesmerized by watching Kirstie Alley! Her weave had a mind of its own! Seeing her blond hair swish this way and that was enough to make my want to eat a corn dog (and that takes a lot for me to say that)! After several re-caps and video montages later it was finally time to reveal the winner. Of course they cut to commercial break to allow for the tension to build. This was exactly what I needed to calm my nerves! The show in fact did give me stress but it was the good kind of stress! You know, the kind that does not include volleyball sized hail wrecking your Toyota Prius (I do not own any kind of vehicle but the name Toyota Prius just rolls of your tongue and just jumps off the page of my blog, doesn't it?). After what felt like an eternity, Tom Burgeron (an over-sized Ryan Seacrest with talent) held his microphone to his thin Caucasian lips and said "And the winner is". I understand that you want to build up the anticipation of the audience by having a slight pause before you actually say the name of who wins, I really do! I get it. This all started with Regis Philbin after the contestant locked in the final answer, remember? Although I think in his case, Mr. Philbin just naturally has that 10 second delay built into his brain, I think it just takes him a little extra time for his elderly mind to process the information. But at this point, they seem to take inordinate amount of time panning to the face of every contestant, their dancing partner, each member of the audience, back to Tom Burgeron, cutting back to every clip they've ever danced, back to Kirstie Alley, back to Tom Burgeron, and this all between the time he says "And the winner is" and the actual announcement. It's enough to make me want to through a tampon at the screen! Finally Mr. Burgeron took an inhalation and said "Hines Ward!". As the confetti slowly swayed two and fro towards the floor and as the lights were flashing on the Hercules football player's little bald shiny head I was truly ready to throw in the towel (and my tampon) on reality television. How could this asshole win this damn show? I mean, his dancing was fine, but he's no Kirstie Alley?!?! I couldn't understand this. The audience actually voted for him! Dreadful. I was completely in shock. My boss whom was seated next to me amongst the huddled group hiding from the storm turned to me and explained something to me. She gave me a little piece of information that I had not previously known. This would truly explain why the football player won. Listen closely, it's amazing! THE BITCH IS HALF KOREAN!

Now it all made sense! Hines Ward, American football star, is half Black, half Korean or as I call it, the best of both worlds! If you have ever seen a half Black, half Asian baby you will completely understand why the world is absolutely fascinated with these half bred creatures. These babies are not just regular little nuggets, they are SUPERBABIES! Just think about it! They have the muscularity, golden hue, and swagger of the African American and the slanted eyes, hairlessness, and adorable inability to drive like the Asians! It is the perfect combination for adorabilty! You can't help but dote and obsess over a Blasian! Immediately, my despair was lifted off my shoulders in light of this new Asian persuasion. Shortly thereafter we were cleared to leave the building around 11pm. With a smile on my bi-racial face I left with a half Black half Asian flutter in my heart over Hines Ward. I was truly at peace. The storm had calmed both outside and inside my soul.

Because of the rain I asked Evangeline if she would give me a lift home. She and I walked up the stairs to the main level and opened the door. Screams insued. We both were blown away like Tiger Wood's wife when she saw the first picture of her husband with trailer trash on her IPhone4. The wind had grown from a violent push to work previously to now a full blown huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down and take your weave off too! Thank God Evangeline had already taken her detachable hairpiece out otherwise it too would have been gone with he wind. We immediately shut the door and calmed our screams. We were both wet from the rain literally being blown into the building during the all of 5 seconds the door was opened. We gathered ourselves and took deep breath. Without either of us having an umbrella, weave protection, or appropriate footwear we both courageously adventured out into the storm. Thank God for Patriva whom had driven by to pick us up in her car to take us to the parking lot. However, in those very brief moments being only 10 feet to the car, by the time Evangeline made it to her car we were soaking wet and howling like wolves. As we started slowly making our way back home, the thunder and lightning had made quite a resurgence like a Cher Farwell Tour. The windshield wipers couldn't even swipe fast enough to be able to see properly out the front window. In complete stress and fear for our lives, all we had in that moment was eachother. Screaming for an indeterminable amount of time we somehow managed to make it home alive and sopping wet.

It was 11:30pm by the time I finally walked into my front door. I needed a drink! I poured myself a deilcious glass of Shiraz (one of my favorite red wines) and plopped myself into bed. Before I quickly dozed off into my slumber I took, as I often do, just a few moments of reflection. It's during these times that I am able to realize what I have learned in that day. They say you always learn something new. As I replayed the images and memories throughout that unbelieveable evening I had realized that I had been through a lot emotionally in the past few hours. Throughout all of the turmoil, craziness, and fear for my life I came to the conclusion that I had learned a very important lesson. I had true appreciation, from those moments of fear, for what it is most important in my lifie. No matter what storms may come our way, no matter what trials and tribulations I must face, I must remember......God will always make Asian and partially Black babies. Amen!