HOLY CRAP! HOOOOLLLLYYYY CRAP! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! AM I KIDDING YOU?! NO I AM NOT! What you see before you is ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF TRUE BLOG!!!! It has been almost a year. A YEAR! Can you believe it?! Can you even remember what was going on? I can’t! Let’s give ourselves a refresher!

So, there were vampires, of course! And also werewolves! And Tara is not dead! And… something about… Christopher Meloni… and… someone named Salami? Celery? I remember there was a little wolf in a onesie, which was totes cute… oh, yeah, AND THE VAMPIRE BIBLE/DIARIES! ARE YOU KIDDING ME TRUE BLOOG?! A YEAR LATER AND I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT WAS A REAL PLOT POINT! And remember how when they prey (see what I did there?), instead of “amen”, they say “vampyr” which is pronounced “vampeer”? This show you guys. THIS SHOW! Okay, this clearly isn’t working. Let’s break it down by character, shall we?

Schoogie – Who cares?

The Artist formerly known as Vampire King Bill – Totes told Meloni that he would kill Edgington.

Viking Eric – Chilling with his kind of sister Nora who he likes sexing?

Pam – She is having flashbacks to her days as a female gigolo or something.

LaFayette – Keeping Tara in a freezer and bleaching the soup.

Tara – Dead! JK, she is a vampire and LOVING IT!

Jason – Totes not digging on Reverend Vampire and totes pining after Jessica? Or his high school teacher?

Reverend Vampire – He’s gay? And also in love with Jason? And he’s The Flan?

Jessica – Just kicking ass in general. And smelling people.

Sam – Blegh.

Horse Lady – Not turning into a horse.

Puppy – Just chillin’ in her onesie! DAW CUTE!

Andy – He had sex!

Holly – She’s going steady with Andy’s Facebook bum!

Terry – Something about fire?

Arlene – Something about Terry?

The Marine – Something about the Marines?

Alcide – Probably taking his shirt off and NOT eating Marcus. Lame-o.

Hoyt – Gothing it up in Fangtasia!

Hoyt’s Mom – Being the worst in general.

Edgington – Applying lots and lots of lotion cause his skin is not looking great.

Martha –I have this name written down, but who the hell is Martha?

Nigel – I don’t know who this is either.

Nora – She’s Eric’s sex sister. Is she dead?

Salami/Celery – She sleeps with everyone. No idea what her name is. But it’s Salami?

German Dude – Uh…

Meloni – In the vampire justice system, the living dead are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the chancellors, who investigate crime; and the authority, who prosecutes the offenders.

Chancellors – Being all authoritative and stuff.

Aunt Petuni-er-Marnie (not from Girls, silly) – Dead (YAY!)

The Flan – Dead (Aw)

Marcus – Dead (YAY!)

Debbie – Dead (YAY!)

Jesus (not that one) – Dead (YAY!)

Jeez, I hope that helps clear things up… NOT! WHAT IS THIS SHOW EVEN ABOUT YOU GUYS?! THERE ARE LIKE A MILLION CHARACTERS AND A TRILLION STORYLINES! No, but seriously, there’s literally 7 different storylines going on right now:

– Tara’s vampire growing pains

– Debbie’s deserved murder

– Russell Edgington and the battle between the Authority and the Sanguinista (WHAT?)

– Terry and the Marine

– Jessica’s smelly boy

– Jason and his… I dunno… sex?

– LaFayette and his bleach recipe

WHAT IS THIS SHOW YOU GUYS?! This refresher is already so long that I don’t even have room for an actual True Blog! LOL! GUESS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT PATIENTLY!!! kbye