So when my straight friends (ok, these two straight guys sitting next to me at a diner last week) kept talking about the Final Four, it turns out they weren’t referencing this momentous episode. Their loss. The weeks of sweat, shade, and squirping have narrowed the field to the quarrelsome quartet of Rolaskatox and Jinkx.

Roxxxy spends the first segment establishing herself as the scholar of the group. First, she lays out the cogent argument that she’s here to win, while Coco was on RuPaul’s Settle-The-Drama-With-Your-Ex-Best-Friend Race. It’s an idiotic assessment of the situation, particularly because Alyssa and Coco weren’t aware that they’d be on the show together, but whatever. For her next feat of mental prowess, she suggests that winning will be made easier if she just lights all of Jinkx’s costumes on fire. Sportsmanlike and subtle. Third, she sagely advises Jinkx and Alaska that they can’t possibly take the crown because they haven’t had to lip sync yet! So wait, the key to winning is losing? This outlook explains much of Roxxxy’s past performance.

Suddenly, a pheromone is released into the air and the contestants are filled with bloodlust. Luckily, SheMail interrupts before the verbal attacks can turn physical. (Alaska, who proved last week that she has Slayer Strength, would probably have welcomed this gladiator-style showdown.) The mini-challenge that follows is a repeat of the season 4 puppet show: each queen is asked to mock a felt mock-up of another competitor. Roxxxy is thrilled because this is her opportunity to make fun of Jinkx (I mean, she’s really been holding back), but her inability to mask her disdain with even a thin layer of humor ends up tanking her skit. The win goes to Alaska, whose mini-Andrews is like a fabulous military drone that drops layers and catchphrases instead of bombs.

Victory earns her fifteen extra seconds of candy shopping for the week’s main event, the Sugar Ball. Ru demands three separate looks: Super Duper Sweet Sixteen, Sugar Mama Executive Realness, and Candy Couture Edible Eleganza. As a former fat kid, I had trouble watching four people fill baskets with free sweets knowing that most of it wouldn’t even get eaten. Like, sure, everyone will nibble here and there, but mostly those delicious treats are going to get crammed into sweaty armpits and plastered over tucked wangs. It makes me want to pour out a Yoo-hoo for my fallen homies.

As construction begins, everyone immediately pounces on Jinkx’s antlers as ridiculous, because the rest of them are just regular men impersonating women by covering themselves in sugary snacks. Ru, on the other hand, is more concerned with her plan to serve a vintage look after the judges have so often asked for something contemporary. Roxxxy also gets questioned during the workroom visit and makes her first smart move of the day (of the season?) by taking the feedback and demolishing the whole look on the spot. If Ru doesn’t like it today, she’s not gonna like it tomorrow.

Since the girls are all scrambling to turn their confections into costumes, Ru thinks it’s a good moment to throw down one last, teeny little request: she’d like for them to weakly perform a crappy number that neither its participants nor its audience will enjoy. Just to make sure that coffin is good and nailed shut, she hands choreography responsibilities to Alaska, who has the innate grace of a swan duct taped to a cinder block. Are you excited yet?

Rehearsal is, of course, a mess. Everyone’s already mad at Jinkx for having made so much noise during sewing time, but no one had the guts to say anything while she was holding a hammer. (Those arson comments might not have been jokes; she needed to arm herself.) But now that the only weapon available is a cardboard lollipop, Roxxxy is perfectly comfortable firing off a few choice barbs. There’s precious little dancing being done, and any sane or merciful person would do us all a favor and let this song die a peaceful, private death. No such person exists on the Drag Race editing staff, apparently.

Guest judge Bob Mackie deserves better than the limpid pageantry they eventually devise. (I’m less worried about subjecting Marg Helgenberger to such a display. What is she even doing here?) At least it’s over with merciful speed so that we can get to the ball already. Cinderella’s fairy godmother gave her until midnight, but Logo’s cutting us off at 10pm Eastern, so let’s move it right along, shall we?

Despite a rail thin frame suggesting that she never eats sugar, or anything else for that matter, Alaska sets the bar impressively high. Her teenage look is simple but accurate; her stash of Party City props lends hard hat realness to her short-haired executive ensemble; and her cotton candy couture earns praise for being the only dress of the night that was obviously made from sweets. Though her creation was literally falling apart backstage, it propels her to another win.

Jinkx, unfortunately, is like a cancer-causing artificial sweetener before a panel of FDA evaluators. Her pubescent garb gets clocked as practically menopausal (though, to be fair, she was warned about that), while her McQueen aspirations are undercut by her McDonald’s budget. She’ll be joined in the bottom two by Detox, who is too consistently bitter to integrate candy into her outfits.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected RuPaul to choose an Yma Sumac song for her girls to perform, but it happens and it is glorious. The lip sync is almost too close to call because both of the queens on the chopping block are known for their offbeat stylings and each commits fully to selling the space opera shenanigans. In the end, though, you just can’t out-crazy a narcoleptic, aquaphobic, Broadway-bound MILF. The show finishes Detox and begins its commitment to sobriety. One day at a time, y’all.

To celebrate this victory over addiction, let’s hand out some Award Awards!

Bob Mackie deserves top honors in all settings, but tonight he wins the Marilyn Milian Sass-Judgin’ Guff Gavel for offering up the season’s most spectacular quote: “From the crotch down, she’s a star.” Never has someone been simultaneously praised and eviscerated with such efficiency.

To Jinkx Monsoon, I present a Lifetime Supply of Jell-O Pudding Pops, because those were some Cosby-grade facial contortions she was throwing down, ya see?

And lastly, I give Detox the Willam Memorial Maxed-Out Credit Card for her ability to buy nice clothes. Shouldn’t have wished quite so hard for that sewing challenge, huh?

ON UNTUCKED: You’re not going to believe this, but Roxxxy threw shade at Jinkx! I know, take a moment to collect yourself. Then everyone played with puppet renditions of the panel regulars. Then they all said what they value about each other (not always convincingly). The end.

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13 Comments

CleJoke

Roxxxy is this season’s Phi Phi. While Jinx is this season’s Sharon. And Alaska is in Alaska…off the map.

April 16, 2013 at 8:04am

Snapper59

I just couldn’t believe the vitriol and bullying from Roxxy in the Untucked show. I loved Alaska’s executive queen in the pants suit and hardhat, pointing at everything.

April 16, 2013 at 8:04am

gauty

Roxxy is a fucking bully and the whole episode was giving me knots in my stomach. What a harpy! And it’s sadly very obvious that all that vitriol comes from a place of utter insecurity… I hope she falls on her face onstage next time, so that Jinkx can literally walk all over her. After Jinkx wins of course, because even if her sewing challenge was the weakest she had been this season, on the whole she outperformed the two others by miles and miles on te other episodes.

April 16, 2013 at 10:04am

kingkuy

i was not a fan of Detox from the very beginning so her leaving is whatever to me. she approached the whole season with a sense of entitlement which caused her to flat-line most challenges

Alaska has REALLY grown on me and if there’s one thing that chick is good for it’s a laugh. she has cracked me up almost every episode and that tear-away puppet bit had me crying

words cannot express how PROUD i am of Jinkx for firmly standing up for herself on Untucked. she tends to pussyfoot around the other girls when they get ignant (im lookin’ at you Ms. Tang) but she had Roxxxy CLASPING for straws… that whole “cuz i have so much talent” line was so brutal Roxxxy had to ask Detox to help her pick her double chins off the floor

as for Chunky Dineva herself, she’s already sealed her own fate. i can’t wait to hear how much the haters have “inspired” her on the reunion episode…

It’s a sick, sad world where Detox gets voted off before Roxxxy. I cannot BELIEVE that they are once again PhiPhi-ing us for the final 3. So tedious. I cannot believe RuPaul is letting such an obvious and boring bully stay.
Also, Detox, that wiggly thing you do with your mouth during lip-synching? It’s not as funny as you think.

April 16, 2013 at 11:04am

Vince Smetana

I hate to say this, but Roxxxy earned her place in the top three. I really liked her at first, but then she turned into a c*nt. The worse offense is that she’s an unfunny c*nt. Gauty is right. Her vitriol does come from a place of insecurity and it ain’t pretty. Jinkx can be a cry baby (I love how she wasn’t this week), but she’s also the most talented and will win. I hope Roxxxy prepares herself for the reunion, acknowledges what a bitch she became, and how she has learned from her ways. I still have hope for her, unlike Phi Phi, who was a sociopath. As a sidesnote, it would be really refreshing for a change to see someone with curves who has a healthy sense of confidence to make it all the way to the final three and maybe even win. I guess we’re going to have to wait yet another season.

ROXXXXY SAVE YOURSELF! IT’S NOT TOO LATE!

(Why am I getting flagged for my comment?)

April 16, 2013 at 1:04pm

mpwaite

Man, I’m so glad to see that I’m not the only one that thought Roxxxy was/is a total c*nt! I mean it’s okay to know who your competition is and intimidate them (after all these ARE drag queens and this is a drag show) HOWEVER…….. Roxxxy, you were just plain mean, and a complete BULLY!! In a world that is finally waking up to bullying.. YOU ARE THE MEAN KID ON THE PLAYGROUND… JINX HAS A LOT MORE GRACE and has put up with yours and ROLASKATOX vitrol and ridiculous “Mean Girls” attitude through the whole show… Roxxxy you do deserve to be in the top three; but your attitude should have been voted off a looooooooooooooooooooong time ago.. Im also a little upset with Alaska.. She had the opportunity to stand up for Jinx…. and she didn’t say a word against the other mean girls…. Isn’t that just like a Poser???? You were and have been nice to Jinx “in private” where no one else could see you.. How about growing a pair and ending that ridiculous click????….Oh Wait… it did…

April 16, 2013 at 3:04pm

Malibu Eric

As a friend pointed out, this seasons director used to direct ‘Untucked’ so we see why an elevated drama level is in this season. Let’s hope Drag Race does not go down the slippery slope of ONLY drama and not focusing on talent.

April 16, 2013 at 4:04pm

Snapper59

I think next week that we’ll see Roxxy in the top two just to play villainess and I hate to see either Jinx or Alaska go. I could go with either for the win. But last season they played with our emotions too up until the very end, teasing us with that PhiPhi. C’mon Ru. Jinx and Alaska and let them split the $$$.

April 17, 2013 at 12:04am

Davidw705

TomOH

Roxy is a lot of talk, and not a lot of talent. What the hell was up with her makeup this last episode? Her nose looked like it had a little Pinocchio stump sticking out of it. The way she paints her eyes makes her look cross eyed, like Phi Phi. And how many times is she going to come out on stage in a moo moo and rip it off? We get it, Ms. “Thick & Juicy”…

I liked Detox earlier in the competition, but her attitude on this last episode was obnoxious. Watching her and Roxy rag on Jinx like that was pathetic, not to mention desperate. I loved the “Doh!” look on Roxy’s face when Detox got eliminated…

I think Alaska is genuinely a nice person, and it kind of baffled me why she felt the need to be in a clique like that. She did kind of seem to come to Jinx’s defense in Untucked, but she could have done more.

For as much anger and vitrol Roxy is directing at Jinx, I think she is really underestimating Alaska. Both of them can take her out easily.

April 17, 2013 at 8:04am

grr_argh

+10 for the Buffy reference.

April 17, 2013 at 12:04pm

ScaryRussianHeather

Yup, line of the season: “I just don’t see any downside to having so many talents.”

Old school checking in, sorry ’bout it Roxxxy (although she probably has no idea who this is):

Jackie Beat [email protected] 15 Apr
Did @RoxxxyAndrews REALLY just read Jinkx on “Untucked” for being able to sing!? Oh gurl, puh-lease.