Things I Will Never Understand

It’s clear that I’m not very smart.

Shit, I got myself drunk on almond extract for weeks before I realized that I was, in fact, doing so. I regularly walk into walls. I’m hopelessly convinced that I’m going to live my life married to men from television. I write a blog on the Internet.

But I do understand some things – not many, but still.

What follows is a list of things that continue to baffle me – keep me up all night, tossing and turning as I try to comprehend them.

0) Why Jimmy Wales didn’t realize that putting a picture of his minions directly under the title of the page was a bad fucking idea.

Comments

104 Responses to Things I Will Never Understand

That guy’s face is screaming “I leave my blue douche headset in always!!!”. Look at his intense eyes. He probably talks on the damned thing when he’s in line at Target and puts his finger up when the cashier tries to tell him how much money he needs to give him/her. O yes.

No, Georgio Tsoukalos’s hair is what baffles me. The Trump is rich and doesn’t give a shit. But Georgio? He does tv shows about how aliens in History. There is a freaking Facebook page dedicated to it. I might be a member.

I also don’t understand the always Klassy Kardashians. At all. Are you with me?

Yeah but I’m sure you spell regular words that have a ‘k’ sound with a ‘k’ right? I mean you don’t go around writing. ‘Hey Cool-Aid Man! You’re the cing of cicking ass!” Do you? I swear the Kardashians do that…only opposite. Yeah. You know what i mean! Hahaha!

1. The numbering system on this blog.
2. IE -why the fuck do people use it? It’s like having an AOL account, or writing a real letter.
3. Why ex husbands can’t just quietly disappear into the ether.
4. The insane # of channels on cable and there’s still nothing I actually want to watch.
5. Why people in horror movies always, and will continue to, ignore the obvious theme music.
6. Sparkly vampires who can be in the sun. What the fuck? What happened to REAL vampires?

In regards to your #3, my ex did!! Feel free to be jealous! Every time I think about it, I have the urge to dance around singing my own version of Ding Dong the Witch is Dead! I’m happy to say I don’t know where he is or what he’s up to.

Why do they call driveways driveways when they are meant for parking, but the Parkways are meant for driving.

Also, how you could POSSIBLY like links better then patties. Patties fit on sandwiches better, you can get them more well done. They are just more practical dammit. And no CASING. Casing is just gross.

1. Why the over head kitchen light being left on drives me insane, while I can leave the sink light on 24/7 and there’s always dishes in the sink to terrorize me on sight…
2. Why my kids don’t take the very first “goodnight I love you sweet dreams” and kisses and run with that shit right to dreamland. Instead they make me say it 987 more times until I’ve freaked out on them and they cry themselves to sleep!
3. Why the smell of feet make me irrationally angry.
4. Why I can still facebook stupid statuses but can’t seem to blog anymore.
5. Why I can’t drink beer. Its got to be cheaper than liquor but I can’t stomach it.
6. Why I always lose one flip flop. I got two feet and you’d think I would take them off at the same time.

LOL, I LOVE your #2 Sheena! I say this to my daughter, “would you like me to scream it at you like you want me to do most other things?” UGH, Im being nice you be nice and I will be nice back, see how this works, 5 year old?

The numbers on this list. I like numbers, even find comfort in them sometimes. They’re always just what they are…1, 2, 3, 4 – they don’t change. Unless your crazy, drunk off almond extract self gets a chance to make a list!!
Why are they letting you make lists anyway!!???
Doesn’t the sausage factory have rules against things like that??

233) Why do men (it’s always men) buy baseball caps, like major league baseball caps, the kind that are actually sized to your head, and then leave the big plastic tag stuck over the entire bill of the hat? Broadcasting your hat size? Is hat size related to …. ?

I don’t understand how men can hit a tiny hole in the dark (this refers to teh sex), and yet they can’t fucking hit a hole the size of a toilet with the light on (and therefore they piss all over the bathroom)

I don’t understand why 99% of people find Angelina Jolie beautiful. She is really not attractive in my opinion.

I also don’t understand how to ‘create a page’ for my ‘fans’ (cough: all 11 of them. Each of which I appreciate more than they know). I swear I must be an idiot because I don’t get it. Grrr… That and not knowing how to make my blog look professional and nice, keep me up at night.

She married Brad Pitt and we’re supposed to believe that she’s not that crazy bitch (who was infinitely more interesting) that wore a vial of blood around her neck and made out with her brother. Sorry…I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid on that one. (Kool-Aid keeps making an appearance in this post).

So is it even worth it for me to figure out how to make the damn fb page?

re: the fresh beat band.
i don’t understand either.. marina was a staple and easily my favorite.
on another note, do you remember when they first started out and they were the jumparounds?? and only on the “let’s make music” segment on nick jr/noggin? i was super upset when i found out they were the “fresh beat band” instead because to me “the jumparounds” is just such a fun name. much more catchy.

I don’t understand why COPS are always driving around ON THEIR PHONE. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE AND DO YOUR JOB!

I don’t understand why there is so little compassion in the world.
I don’t understand why it’s okay for TWELVE year olds to dress like SLUTS but yet it is “offensive” for women to breastfeed their child.
I don’t understand why Two and a Half men is so fucking popular. It fucking sucks.
I don’t understand HOW How I Met Your Mother is still on TV. It also fucking sucks.
I don’t understand how you can get drunk on almond extract??? LOL

Work makes me use IE5. We’re not allowed to download something better and it daily makes me wanna punch someone right in the baby maker.

Other things I don’t get: LinkedIn, chocolate diamonds (they’re shitty brown ones people!), why people think a phone that breaks when dropped and has spawned a zillion “iphone hospitals” is the best thing on the market, and the return of legwarmers.

That’s what Daver’s old work did, too. But then I started having to work on web stuff, and every time you make a site, fucking IE looks fucked up, so I get a zillion “your site looks like shit on IE” and then I pull my hair out.

I think orange is a flavor and a color because it’s a fruit and a color. But blue is a flavor, right? It totally is. I don’t understand why dating games must be played. Someone just told me to read the book The Rules. Seriously? It’s 2012

The original Marina got married and left the show. I don’t know why they didn’t just get a new girl either. The boys names are Twist and Shout. I also find something very strange about that.
I don’t understand why my kids wake up in the night to use the bathroom and they come downstairs to do it. There is a perfectly fine bathroom right upstairs next to their bedrooms. They don’t even say anything to me. They zip down, run to the bathroom and go back up. Why, people, why? That’s all,.

I believe also that scents are allowed to be referred to as flavors… “What flavor body spray are you wearing, it smells good.” “Why, it’s cucumber melon, thanks for asking.” if the scent was skanky slut smell, i wouldn’t ask about its ‘flavor’, but when its an obvious food type scent, its a frickin flavor!!

I don’t understand… Jersey Shore. Algebra. why my husband bitches when the dishes in the dishwasher don’t come clean, yet he never rinses his dishes. How spiders are “good”. why my daughter must own 5 million toys smaller than a dime. why my 4 year old son is smart enough to operate every electronic in the house, but randomly leaves turds on the floor. why all my friends who think they are the smartest person alive, cannot spell simple 2nd grade words, like sentence or possible.

1) why I am obsessed with the TV show intervention.
2) why my daughter or any child for that matter refuses to listen or respect me
3) why Natalie Portman became an actress and not a rapper (see Natalie’s Rap on The Lonely Island’s album Incredibad for evidence)
4) why it’s 3:10 pm and I haven’t started drinking yet. (on a school holiday nonetheless)
Obviously, there are more. These are just fresh in
My
Mind.