trying to find the bliss in the mayhem of everyday

22/09/2016

Fear of people seeing

I think it'll be three years soon that I would have been typing words onto this blog. Three years of stories, ideas and most importantly a release of sorts, coming to this website, opening the back end and watching the blinker tick away while i hang for a moment and the fingers start tapping like a mad woman.

Here was me thinking that my next post would be all about my recent trip that I returned back from in Bali. I even made notes on my phone for post ideas, photographed that crap out of stuff - like a blogging boss! - with the plan to do a series of posts about Bali.

So why did I just open this fresh post up and type in "fear of people seeing".

Truth - My book. I have stage fright.

Truth - My blog, I feel like no one and everyone sees this.

Second truth - Both truths are really bullshit truths.

Blogging can be quite lonely. Unless you have "made it" and even that, what does that mean?? There is so many of us that purge away, create, write, press publish and put it all out there in the InterWebs, who really knows whether it gets read, and what that person thinks of it, if they do.

So, that god damn blinker curser thing has for months be staring back at me and I get that gulp in my throat every time I want to continue, start this book. See, it's going to be about my life and not fiction. And the fear of people seeing my story bare, raw would be like me standing nude in the middle of the city centre. There, comes quite a bit of vulnerability when you actually start writing for reals about your reals.

Confronting stuff.

Self doubt and fear can make anyone cripple and my fear is of you raising of your eyebrows when you read my words.

But I swear, 90% of the time I feel really good about what I do on here. 90% of the time I get excited about the potential of one day opening a box of copies of my book.

My book.

That bloody 10% though......

I've been googling recently about the best way to kick start myself in the behind into this project. I'll call it a project as that way it will make me accountable.

I'll start with disecting the guts of this book and making biggish junks, playing with the layout and then comes the hard bit, pen to paper or more accurately fingers to keyboard.

My goal will be is that i will be finishing this "project" {actually scrap this whole project idea - it sounds so ugly - I'll need to give her a name instead} on my favourite spot which is Nusa Lembongan. I'll book that ticket and finish the final chapter there, while sipping on perfect cups of Piccolos, mouth watering curries and that sea breeze while admiring another glorious sunset over the ocean horizon. That is my finish line. My goal.

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An Aussie, living on the outskirts of the Yarra Valley in Victoria.
Started this mother-hood gig early. 8 years later went in for a second round.
Married to my Ying of my Yang. Coffee lover and addict. Frequent traveller to Bali - my happy place.
Searcher for happiness. Eternal #peaceseeker
Writer, clothes washing and folding hater and dreamer of a goods night sleep.
Mama to my baby boy who has Autism. Not a baby anymore though, #heisnearlyastallasme. Follow my journey through photos on Instagram @blissandmayhem
I love white chocolate melts and hate coriander. Give me a good tune to bust out a move any time of the day.
Decided to write a book. OMG!