Wed, 19 Dec 2018 01:21:48 -0600WeeblyThu, 29 Nov 2018 19:30:29 GMThttp://www.blackwomen50plusmag.com/publishers-blog/mending-the-disharmony-and-disconnect-in-family-relationshipsI was surrounded by family growing up. So, during the holidays, more than any other time of the year, I’m conscious of the obvious disconnect in countless family relationships today.

Consequently, I have profound respect for a woman I know who, to maintain the bond of love and support among her immediate family, from grandchildren to the adults, regularly convenes family meetings to address confusion that may potentially weaken their bond.

But what about us for whom that strategy does not work? ​Remember, ‘the walking wounded’ are plentiful among us. So, for those of us who yearn for close family ties, perhaps we should start by attempting to identify and understand the countless possibilities that feed hurtful difficult family connections such as:

Generational differences powered by conflicting philosophies of how we see the world and our place in it,

Lies and misdemeanors drizzled down from one generation to the next,

Jealousy and lingering often baseless resentments,

Feelings of entitlement,

Sibling rivalry,

Lack of honest discussion to dispel misunderstandings,

Family dynamics or unique patterns of relating to each other,

Taking family for granted, and

The fact that some people are simply emotionally crippled and deprived of the capacity to form healthy, mutually nurturing relationships.

Isn’t it strange how we can forgive the indiscretions of lovers, friends, even strangers on the streets? So why can’t we release those often exaggerated feelings that compromise harmony within our families?

Let’s do our best to enter this holiday season by releasing all grudges and bitterness. Life’s too short. Wise counsel that may assist in mending family disconnect is presented by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr’s 1934, The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” My postscript for this petition is “especially the disconnect in family relationships”.

Remember, I’m on this journey with you.]]>Tue, 19 Jun 2018 17:55:56 GMThttp://www.blackwomen50plusmag.com/publishers-blog/stay-engaged-in-life-use-it-or-lose-itPeriodically, I receive calls /emails from both men and women lamenting their loneliness. Keep in mind that loneliness is an emotion. Isolation is a circumstance. Navigating this maze toward sustained independence requires adapting to the new normal for successful aging.

You don’t have to be alone to be lonely. Additionally, I’ve learned that for many this situation is self-imposed by those who choose to disconnect and not communicate with family, acquaintances or friends without fully evaluating the negative emotions and physical consequences of their choice along with the fears, low self-esteem, and depression that may result.

Commit yourself to be actively involved in life as long as you are physically and mentally able. Give yourself a renewed sense of accomplishment and purpose. Volunteer. Many organizations providing services in your community need help. Stay mentally stimulated. Play mind games and puzzles. Take a class, learn a new skill or teach what you know. Stay engaged with those you love via face-time or traditional phone calls. Sharpen your social media skills. Increasingly Facebook and Instagram are standard tools of communication. Get a part-time job. It’s another safe means of connecting with others on a regular basis. Join a club or group — a book club, garden club, golf group or whatever piques your interest. Exercise at least three times per week. The benefits are endless. Remember Barbara Hillary, a 75-year-old cancer survivor, who was one of the oldest people, and first female African-American to reach the North Pole.A recent study from the Rush Hospital, Alzheimer’s Disease Center in Chicago found that highly social seniors had a 70 percent lower rate of cognitive decline than their less social peers. Source: EverydayHealth​Healthy aging means continually reinventing yourself, finding new things to enjoy, and learning to adapt to change. So, get up and do something. Stay engaged in life, use it or lose it

]]>Mon, 11 Dec 2017 08:00:00 GMThttp://www.blackwomen50plusmag.com/publishers-blog/december-letterI’ve struggled with many aspects of my life. However, my husband has been a blessing. Of course, he’s not perfect. But he is damn good. He’s usually forward-thinking, open-minded and direct, generous, mature, affectionate, responsible, honest, respectful — and he still makes me laugh. An added bonus is his unwavering compassion for Black folks.​

The last several months have, however, nudged me full-steam into a new role in our relationship —that of caregiver for Bill who has endured a host of life-threatening illness. As the saying goes ‘we’ve been to the river, been baptized’. Because he has consistently throughout our years together been a tower of physical and emotional strength, support for me and my daughter, and an enabler for many of our dreams and vain desires; this new role has tested my convictions and made me practice what I preach in ways previously unimagined.

Naturally, each of us has suffered in our own distinct way. For much of this time, I have found it difficult to sleep, think clearly or focus on anything other than his needs. Fortunately, my daughter who is a registered nurse has been the voice of balance and hope for me. I have had continuous reminders that if accepted God is always in the mix. During the height of his suffering, I asked Bill, ‘What have you learned from this?’ Without hesitation, he replied ‘empathy’. Since then, if I say something that has the slightest tinge of harshness or judgment, he is quick to correct me.

I believe that life is a series of lessons designed to strengthen and prepare us for what lies ahead. During the predawn hours one day hoping to anesthetize myself to sleep, I discovered this little story which reminded me that there are no shortcuts. Each of us must pay our dues for this privilege called life.

P.S. The tide is turning. We are hopeful that Bill will have a full recovery.

]]>Mon, 18 Nov 2013 08:00:00 GMThttp://www.blackwomen50plusmag.com/publishers-blog/create-your-own-holiday-traditions-memoriesIt’s that time again, time to gather with those we love and repeat the valued traditions that affirm who we are, who we belong to and what is genuinely important.

African Americans have always honored the traditions of family, food, song and spirituality. So Thanksgiving and Christmas are ripe with memories that bridge our past to the present. Traditions bind families and friends, creating a connectedness that transitions even life itself. Experts say that it is also during these activities that family beliefs and values are transferred as children witness the importance of friendship, unity and sharing.

The love and spirit of Thanksgiving 1989 is forever embedded in my heart. It was weeks before he died. Emphasizing the importance of this special assembly, Mom prefaced every conversation about dinner with, “Daddy’s going to pray.”My grandfather, Sanford Echols aka Daddy Sanford, was born in 1902. He grew up during a time when most Blacks still lived on farms or in small communities. In the South segregation, frequently reinforced by the Ku Klux Klan, was the law of the land. As a result, life and death for Black folks, to a major degree, was determined by one’s level of common sense and capacity to successfully navigate this system. Church was community and, for many, the Bible was the only book in the house. Consequently, Daddy Sanford was solid in his knowledge of scriptural values, promises and expectations. He was also a gifted and respected speaker. Threaded with biblical concepts and sound judgment of basic universal principles, and soaked with fire and authority, his prayers reduced even the most cynical to tears. Weakened from cancer, he had moved from the family farm in Tennessee to live with Mom. When that sacred day finally arrived, knowing this would be the last time, we crowded into the room to be washed in his blessings.

Even after I married, because my husband’s mother was deceased, holidays were still spent at Mom’s. The focus was never gifts but the joy of each other’s presence. Starting around Thanksgiving through Christmas, she liked to remind us, “When I was a child, I got fruit, nuts, maybe a doll and a pair of shoes for Christmas. Mama baked pies and cakes for relatives and friends who would come by. Once you get older, your life centers around your children.”

Some referred to Mom as the Christmas lady. She had an infectious excitement about the season. Even after her husband Honey died, she managed to recruit someone to frame the house with twinkling lights. Something delectable was usually cooking or waiting whoever stopped by. Hot soup, molasses cake, chicken and dumplings from scratch, black-eye peas, teacakes, strawberry peach cobblers and, of course, pineapple coconut cake were my favorites. My daughter Ikita remembers the mac and cheese, and the Dutch girl cookie jar that was always empty by day’s end.

Listen. Establish your own family traditions. These occasions may be the only times we see some relatives. Include friends and people who are alone. Plant the seeds for warming memories. You will someday reminisce with deep appreciation about these precious times.*

*Originally published in BW50+ MAGAZINE, November-December 2010 issue. Reprinted, with tweaking, in response to popular requests.