Why I Can Relate To The Fault In Our Stars a Bit Too Much

The Update: After an unexpected hospitalization last week (unfortunately during my husband’s spring break- poor guy), I am finally free! Since I had visited the ER twice in two weeks- each time with increasingly worse symptoms- my pulmonologist finally decided to tackle things head on. Fortunately, my foray to the sanatorium proved to be extremely positive! First of all, I love my new team of specialists, which makes all the difference (I also think it helps that they’re female, but that’s just me). Secondly, the shift in perspective from “let’s figure out what’s wrong with you” to “let’s help you live the best life possible with these unfortunate, anomalously odd circumstances” has been for the best. Having doctors humble enough to admit when medical science is simply not good enough is… refreshing. Despite the circumstances, I was completely relaxed this time: totally open to whatever the doctors found or wanted to do, but congruently feeling “in control” of my own fate and healthful choices after my big epiphany in weeks prior.

After a near week of iron infusions, bacteria bating and IV therapy, I was happily sent home with new antibiotics to treat the replete infections. Since I’ve been home, I have also been upgraded to portable oxygen (which is technically a bad thing, but feels like FREEDOM to me). My amazing doctor said: “You need to live with these lungs, not be stuck inside with a machine all day”, so this should make traveling a lot easier! It also (as an amazingly insightful best-friend pointed out) makes me feel weirdly synonymous with Hazel Grace from FIOS. Furthermore, we also found out that (after my team of doctors discussed and once again unanimously agreed), my PEG surgery will be on the table soon. It’s been delayed a million times, but we think it will help the anemia, blood sugar, infection fighting and med management astronomically… and hopefully I can reach my goal of gaining 20 pounds!

Super Rant In One Paragraph or Less:

Ok, let’s talk weight loss for a second. For anyone who thinks that their life would be happier if they just lost “those last 5 -10 pounds,” losing control of my pancreas and appetite has taught me a thing or two about wishing. Listen, I’m not immune to beating myself up aesthetically (in fact, as a lifelong ballerina wearing the equivalent of shrink-wrap in a mirror-lined room and fluorescent lighting, you could even say the opposite), but I haven’t had much time to care since my daughters were born. Still, I would look at my body almost every bikini season and think: “My stomach would look so much better if I could just lose a little fat here.” Guess what, friends? Nothing changes. You have the same exact body, the same exact flaws, the same exact trouble spots… now they are just droopier. Despite my years of common sense and anatomy awareness, I still find it shocking how similar my body is at any weight (meaning: only the boobs go). Thankfully I love my hips and can’t wait to fill out my clothes again, but hips don’t lie [thanks Shakira]- they just look gravely more imbalanced with the rest of me at a lower weight. Having endured this and hopefully finding some respite soon, if I could offer any advice to females of any size it would be to work on loving who you are now– not plus or minus a few pounds. Getting fit? Building muscle? Running a race? Sure, more power to you. But the body you have now is yours for life, friends: you’re stuck. You might as well learn to embrace yourself exactly in this moment… because you never know when you’ll be wishing to be back in this moment again.

Moving Forward This Month: Thanks to my hospital visit, a lot of important procedures were rescheduled (sinus CT… sleep study for bipapp), and thus it’s back to the ‘waiting game’ for a month. However, in the meantime, I am determined to continue with my “mind over matter” mentality and living the lifestyle I want as much as possible. This includes possibly ‘dipping my toe’ back in to aqua-aerobics at the Y (“blue hairs be darned”), managing my health as holistically as possible, and figuring out how to wear ‘oxygen-cannula friendly makeup’. Wish me luck!