Lame actually

Witless 'New Year's Eve' is nothing to celebrate

If your holiday wish is for one more cruise aboard “The LoveBoat,” director Garry Marshall may be your cinematic Santa: Although CaptainStubing and cruise director Julie McCoy may have missed the boat, “New Year’sEve” managed to shanghai plenty of big (and not-so-big) names into appearing ina witless, thoroughly synthetic sitcom, albeit one you have to pay good moneyto watch.

A follow-up of sorts to last year’s “Valentine’s Day” —which was nothing to shout about in the first place — “Eve” shoehorns as manystars and starlets as possible into a bunch of thinly conceived playlets aboutthat old devil called love. For all the talk about romance and hooking up,however, passion is conspicuously absent. As much as “Eve” celebrates desireand devotion, Katherine Fugate’s screenplay doesn’t present a single believablecoupling (although it does include enough uses of the phrase “ball drop” tomake you wonder if you’re in close proximity to a junior high boys’ lockerroom).

Even such seasoned pros as Michelle Pfeiffer, Robert DeNiroand Sarah Jessica Parker can’t give the movie a lift. Poor Hilary Swank provesonce again that you can win two Oscars and still be utterly incapable ofplaying comedy. As for Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Jon Bon Jovi, Lea Micheleand Zac Efron, they romp around making silly faces and reading their lines asif they were performing in a dinner theater that catered to thehearing-impaired.

It’s perfect entertainment for those who do all theirseasonal shopping at the dollar store and wrap their presents in old grocerybags.

The half-baked stories range from the oldstrangers-stuck-in-an-elevator (Kutcher and Michele) to the even moremoth-bitten new-sparks-ignite-between-old-flames (Heigl and Bon Jovi). Parker’svignette about a divorced mom who dotes too much on her teenage daughter(Abigail Breslin, slathered with so much makeup that at first it appears the story might be about high school call girls) goes off the rails around the time that Breslin abruptlylifts her shirt in the middle of a busy subway station and crows, “This is nota training bra!” DeNiro’s plays a dying man determined to persuade nurse HalleBerry to grant his last wish in an episode that’s turgid instead of touching,and Pfeiffer’s segment, in which an unappreciated executive secretary finallydecides to have some fun, never really clicks. (In a striking example of art imitating life, Pfeiffer enters the movie by tumbling into a pile of garbage.)

And let’s not even talk aboutthe heated competition between two expectant couples (Jessica Biel and Seth Meyers; Til Schweiger and Sarah Paulson)to see which will deliverthe official first baby of the new year; what could be less welcome than anotherdelivery room freak-out scene with a profanity-spitting mom-to-be and a haplesshusband?

Further undermining the film is Marshall’s reliance onbroad, sometimes offensive stereotypes, such as a voluptuous spitfire (SofiaVergara) who can’t stop mangling the English language or throwing herself atrocker Bon Jovi — tee hee hee, it’s funny when Spanish people are slutty! — orhand-flapping, hip-swinging gay characters who exist only to drop a few naughtywords and a couple of sassy expressions into conversations.

No wonder “New Year’s Eve” leaves you feeling like 300champagne corks have just been popped — directly in your face.