Smith Says

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The thing I loved most about being a reporter was this: Crazy could break out at any time, and often did. I covered brawls at funeral homes (“You’re the reason Mama’s dead!”) and civic meetings that turned into free-for-alls, with yelling taxpayers and fuming officials. Whether funny, shocking or touching, like the old saying goes… you can’t make this stuff up.Let’s look at some national headlines from last week:A man hid in a Kentucky supermarket and emerged after closing time with a healthy appetite: He cooked and ate six steaks, and topped ‘em off with shrimp, birthday cake and beer. Then he crawled up in the ceiling and, presumably, fainted dead away. The manager found him up there the next day. The whole escapade is on tape. I can’t imagine what he was doing or taking to create that kind of appetite, but he’s gonna be hungry in jail.A Kings Mountain, N.C. woman was charged with beating another woman with a Bible, thus giving new meaning to the term “Bible-thumper.” The 57-year-old suspect also punched out a man, so we can all guess what’s going on there. I’ve never seen anyone smote with a Bible except my great-aunt Henri, who had a cyst on her wrist. My Baptist deacon father smacked her wrist cyst with the family Bible, which made Henri holler like a wet hen. But the cyst went away.A Virginia couple was arrested in Myrtle Beach—make that ON Myrtle Beach—when they were discovered wet and naked to the world in the pre-dawn darkness. They claimed they went skinny-dipping and returned to find their clothes missing. Of course, because that happens to so many tourists who swim nude at 3 a.m. They face disorderly conduct and public nudity charges. I would’ve cited them for not making up a better story.And you think you have lousy neighbors: A Washington state man had the last word in a property line dispute when he drove a bulldozer through four neighbors’ homes. He also knocked down a utility pole, leaving thousands of other residents without power. What a prince! Wonder if he plans to draw a line down the middle of his prison cell?A garbage truck driver in New Jersey sneezed and took out half a subdivision. The driver claimed that when he sneezed, a water bottle rolled under the brake pedal. Before you could say “Bless you,” the truck jumped a curb, careened across four lawns and smashed into a house occupied by a woman and her twin daughters. The impact sparked an electrical fire that damaged the house and the garbage truck. The family escaped, and neighbors pulled the driver to safety. I think he should switch to coffee, or even Jim Beam. That water’ll kill ya.And finally….A Tennessee man who stole a big-rig truck and caused several accidents gave a perfectly plausible explanation: He was running from zombies. He stowed away in the truck in Tennessee and hijacked it when the driver got out in Temecula, CA. After causing several crashes (and who knows how many coronaries), he finally flipped the rig and spilled strawberries all over an interstate… thus causing an epic traffic JAM. (Sorry, I can’t help it.) He told cops “he had to speed and swerve because he was fleeing from the walking dead.” He pleaded guilty to five felonies. When he’s paroled, he can teach the Myrtle Beach nudists how to craft a REAL excuse for crime. Zombies: your ace in the hole.Julie R. Smith, who likes zombie comedies, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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