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Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:29:24 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1226
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=== 1226 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1226
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Thu, 19 Jul 2001 08:29:11 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1226
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1221 62 votes akee4 4bheg bkhb3 4ckga 4hji4 3jid9 5biia 14dko 48mgc 38ajm
1221 3.3 mean 2.7 3.4 2.6 3.3 3.0 3.1 3.3 4.0 3.4 3.8
--- 1226-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle Most Wise,
>
> I wanna be a vampire! How can I go about achieving this goal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There are two tried and true ways.
}
} 1) Dress in all black and never go outside in the sunlight again.
} Clear your entire life of crosses, garlic and silver bullets.
} Become beautiful as you can get, and affect an ironic yet,
} vulnerable air. Do this for about six months. By then you
} should be pretty darn pale, garlic scent free & creepy looking.
} Next you need to start hanging out in places vampires frequent.
} Transylvania if you can afford the air fare, super trendy bars
} otherwise. Always stay out late at night and always walk home,
} alone. If any tall person with a widow's peak and a cape is
} around smile at them demurely, while casually baring your neck.
}
} If that fails there's always way two to become a vampire.
}
} 2) Enroll in law school.
}
} You owe the Oracle a garlic covered pizza.
--- 1226-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle,
>
> How does sleep differ from being dead for just a minute or two?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} 1. You don't wake up in a coffin. (Hopefully.)
}
} 2. You dream about your current life, not your previous.
}
} 3. In the latter case, one generally does not snore. (Please don't
} mention this to Lisa, if you get my drift.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of earplugs.
--- 1226-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose hair is never pointy,
>
> Tell me the legend of the PC Weasels.
> --
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail
> http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look, it's going to take far more that those two little cut
} line attempts to get rid of that Yahoo! .sig, those things
} are tenacious.
}
} Did you know that the British Navy has experimented with
} using Yahoo! .sigs to adhere the numbers to the sides of
} ships? It worked, but the sailors kept falling over board,
} when they'd hear "Yahoo! Sailor" from beyond the railings
} and they'd lean over too far to see if there was a lady
} in a dress, erm, in distress...but I digress.
}
} Now to get rid of your Yahoo! you need something really,
} really sharp...like say...
}
} Stephen Hawkings: IiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaahhmMMM Shhhhhhap!
}
} Oh, my word. Well yes you are, but oh dear? Is that a sub-
} triple atomic vaporizer of your own design? For the record,
} he is nodding. Well, Hawk ol' boy, go for it.
}
} [ Horrific blast ]
}
} Stephen? Stephen? Where is he? Guess he had to run along
} somewhere. Anyway we need some thing that will cut . . .
}
} OJ Simpson: It was in poor enough taste to bring that other
} dude here. But I, I OJ Simpson will not! Will not!
} have anything to do with a knife joke of any kind.
}
} Here's a thousand bucks and a sword.
}
} [ OJ grabs both and starts hacking away at the Yahoo! .sig ]
}
} OJ Simpson: DIE *#$*#& DIE $#$^&*# I LOVED YOU I LOVED
} YOU &*#&(*$&*(#& YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!
} &$#*$&&*&$*( I$* &$*( *($*(&* (#$& !!
}
} Erm, I think that's enough. Thanks....Oh, no keep the blade. No
} the pleasure is mine. See, what you need to get rid of that .sig
} is powerful magic.
}
} Gandalf: It's a pleasure to take time out from filming PJ Jackson's
} Lord of the Rings, the first part which will be out
} Christmas of 2001 in theaters everywhere.
}
} Okay, you got your plug in now blast that blasted .sig Grey Wanderer.
}
} Gandalf: Oh `Ell `n Bach, Oh `Elmerz Glue, `Elbow Greaze
} and El Caboose!
}
} [ A blinding flash & thick clouds of greenish smoke fill the room.]
}
} Gandalf: I must go now. I will see you all in the theaters this
} Christmas, 2001, for PJ JAC...
}
} You got your plug in, now get. So there you have it.... hey.
}
} [ Smoke clears. ]
}
} Why that old fraud.
}
} __________________________________________________
} Do You Yahoo!?
} Get personalized email addresses from Yahoo! Mail
} http://personal.mail.yahoo.com/
--- 1226-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> You're in a cave with 20 rooms and 3 tunnels leading from each room.
> There are 3 bats and 3 pits scattered throughout the cave, and your
> quiver holds 5 custom super anti-evil Wumpus arrows. Good luck.
>
> You are in room 18 of the cave, and have 5 arrows left.
> *sniff* (I can smell the evil Wumpus nearby!)
> There are tunnels to rooms 6, 9, and 10.
> Move or shoot? (m-s)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >m
} Direction? (Room 6 - N, Room 9 - E, Room 10 - S)
} >e
} You are in room 9.
} There is a small altar and two bats in the room. The bats attack!
} Move or Shoot or sEarch? (m-s-e)
} >s
} You shoot an arrow. You kill a bat! You have 4 arrows left.
} The bat attacks! It hits you, causing 2 hp of damage. You have 23 of 31
} hp remaining.
} Move or Shoot or sEarch? (m-s-e)
} >s
} You shoot an arrow. You kill a bat! You have 3 arrows left.
} Move or sEarch? (m-e)
} >e
} You search the altar. You find the silver chalice!
} Move? (m)
} >m
} Direction? (Room 18 - W)
} >e
} Direction not valid
} >n
} Direction not valid
} >s
} Direction not valid
}
} "Hey Dick. Dick! DICK!"
}
} "Yes George?"
}
} "Haven't we got the double-u's replaced on these damn keyboards yet?"
}
} "Workin' on it George, but you know government aquisition procedures.
} Takes %$#@ing forever."
}
} You owe the Oracle some cheap Texas electricity.
--- 1226-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> As I was going to Sai-ai-aint Ives,
> I met a man with seven wives.
> Every wife had seven sacks,
> Every sack had seven cats,
> Every cat had seven kits.
> Kits, Cats, Sacks & Wives,
> How many were going to Sai-ai-aint Ives?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} SAINT IVES (UPC) -- 12 July 2001 Police arrested Nigel Teresa, of
} Saint Ives, yesterday afternoon for polygamy and animal abuse.
}
} Mabel Teresa, one of Nigel's seven wives, said, "He would force all
} of us to bag some four hundred cats each into just seven sacks.
} That's nearly three-quarters of a ton of hissing, spitting, and
} FIGHTING cat that each of us had to carry! And, trust me, cats can
} claw their way out of burlap if they darn well want."
}
} Police are trying to find homes for the approximately three hundred
} and fifty cats, and approximately twenty-four hundred kittens that
} were found in Nigel's care.
}
} One bystander, who would only give his name as "A. Supplicant", said,
} "Thank heavens, I saw him. I was the only person on the road going
} to Saint Ives. He, his wives, and the cats were going the other way."
--- 1226-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did my wife and 3 children die in a carcrash?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} They did not follow the 176th Commandment: "Thou shalt drive to my
} Mall in a chariot measuring no less than twelve cubits in length and
} eight cubits across. A hundred talents shall be the unladen mass of
} thy chariot, and pulling it shall be three hundred and sixty horses.
} Park thee thy chariot diagonally in my lot so that it may take up
} the parking space of three lesser chariots, and adorn thee the rear
} bumper with one of those little golden Jesus fish stickers so that
} thou may spread My word as thou drivest."
}
} Had you obeyed the Lord's command and bought your wife a decent sized
} vehicle, she'd have creamed that schoolbus instead of vice versa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chevy Suburban with reactive armor.
--- 1226-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle, oracle, oracle, oracle!
>
> Will Reagan be re-elected in '84?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ooooh, a question from the future! I love these, they really test my
} prognosticative abilities.
}
} Let me set the scene as November 2083 approaches:
}
} - In the aftermath of the Clone Wars, Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman
} Dolly the Sheep presides over a deeply factionalized military.
} - Strom Thurmond is still in the Senate, although he needs frequent
} dusting.
} - From a bunker deep beneath the ruined wasteland of Redmond, Dark Lord
} Gates sends his evil minions on missions of terror. The Knights of
} Torvald maintain a vigilant watch against his return.
} - Unable to think of any new and challenging locations, the producers
} of "Survivor" send a spaceship full of self-obsessed idiots hurtling
} towards the surface of the sun. Ratings, um, skyrocket.
} - There are still no profitable dot-coms.
}
} On Election Day, voters don their "virtual ballot box" helmets (except
} in Florida, where voters are required to enter their choices while
} riding a Tilt-a-Whirl, drunk) and choose between:
}
} Republican Party: The disembodied brain of Ronald Reagan
} Democratic Party: Marshall Mather, Jr.
} Toga Party: Jenna Bush
}
} Reagan's brain is captured by Lord Gates and used as the kernel for his
} next operating system, Windows Dementia. Marshall Mather, Jr. is
} revealed to be Bill Clinton, who denies it, apologizes for it, and
} denies it again. Jenna wins in a landslide.
}
} You owe the Oracle a renewed sense of faith in the American
} political system.
--- 1226-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is this an in-joke I see before me?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Is this an in-joke I see before me,
} The sarcasm toward my fellows? Come, let me analyse thee,
} I get thee not, and yet I see thee still,
} Art thou not, quaint quip, humorous
} To audacity as to confusion? Or art thou but
} An in-joke of the mind, a false creation,
} Proceeding from the paranoia-obsessed brain?
} I get thee yet, in form as grave
} As this which now I impart.
} Thou segregate'st me the way that I was posting,
} And such a sig I was to use.
} Mine quotes are made the fools o' the other posters,
} Or else worth all of them. I see the still,
} And on thy tail and beyond, paragraphs of words,
} Which were not words before. There's no such thing:
} It is the complex business which resides
} Thus to mine quotes. Now o'er the one hundred messages
} Usenet seems dead, and silent posters lie still
} The posters'd sleep; trolls celebrate
} AOL Spammer's offerings; and promis'd Money,
} Alarum'd by the silence, the newbie,
} Whose howl's his question, thus with his HTML message,
} With Microsoft's ravishing fonts, towards his answer
} Moves like a funeral. Thou sure and firm-set regulars,
} Hear not my crossposts, which groups they encounter, for fear
} Thy very posts prate of my intentions,
} And take the present perplexion from the outside,
} Which now suits with it. Whiles I threat, I wait;
} Words to the heat of regulars too cold silence gives.
}
} I go, and it is done; the mail invites me.
} Hear it not, flamer, for it is an Oracularity
} That summons thee to greatness, or to the killfile.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle lessons in how to get away with such unlikely
} similes such as "Show'd like a rebel's whore" and still be regarded as
} a literary genius.
--- 1226-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Where does the Oracle database sample username and password
> of scott/tiger come from?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The names come from the old folk fable of Scott and the tiger.
}
} When Scott was a little boy, he was strolling through the woods one day
} when a young tiger leapt roaring out at him. Scott, being young and
} naive, didn't try to run away: instead he stroked the tiger on the
} nose, feeling its soft woolen fur between his fingertips. Luckily for
} Scott, the tiger wasn't hungry and had only been roaring because it had
} an irritatingly itchy nose. And in that moment, the two of them became
} friends.
}
} The tiger ran back off into the woods and was promptly recaptured by
} the circus it had escaped from.
}
} Years later, Scott was leading an expedition through the jungles of
} India when a huge tiger leapt roaring out at him. Scott, now a
} respected explorer, kept his cool. Slowly, he reached out and scratched
} the tiger on the nose.
}
} The tiger mauled him anyway, though, because it was a different tiger.
} Which goes to show how important it is that all users are identified
} properly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new rug.
--- 1226-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh most recidivistic and antidisestablishment one, this humble
> supplicant asks: how do I know if my spleen is working?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Have you been venting it properly? Let's run a quick diagnostic.
}
} A politician you don't like from a party you like even less does
} something you really really don't like. You decide to:
} --Have another beer or three.
} --Donate some money to a politician you do like.
} --Call up a talk-radio host and deliver a frothing-at-the-mouth,
} 30-minute long semi-incoherent diatribe, in which you manage to
} mention taxes, Hitler, the Rosicrucians, and the starting line-up for
} the 1929 Chicago White Sox.
}
} Your favorite sports team loses a close game. You decide to:
} --Send an encouraging note to the team.
} --Not bet so much money next time.
} --Set the coaches lawn on fire by using gasoline to write "loser"
} in ten-foot high letters and tossing a match.
}
} You feel you have something important to say to the world. You decide
} to:
} --Write a letter to the editor of your local paper
} --Hire the Goodyear blimp to display your message at major events
} --Inappropriately use an Internet-based humor service as a platform for
} your personal beliefs.
}
} The correct answer in all cases is the third one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to make the World Bank forgive third-world
} debt.