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Friday, May 29, 2009

Four ejections. Zero fisticuffs. What an odd, odd game yesterday. And I'm certainly not sad to say Adios to the Red Sox for the rest of the season. It's kind of nice getting it over with before June. Like ripping a Band-Aid off quickly.

And now we're off to Tampa. And there's no Jason Bartlett. Which, on one hand, makes the games less interesting. But on the other hand, it DOES make it easier to draw clearer lines of allegiance.

In other news, I have this Post-It note block that has all the MLB team logos on the sides. I'm now at the point where using anymore sheets will start eating into the pictures. Luckily, the first row of teams are the Yankees, A's, Red Sox, White Sox, and the Rockies. Sorry Rockies...I don't dislike you, but you are collateral damage, I'm afraid.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

3. Nick Punto=Also Awesome. Clearly it was a good night to be named Nick.

4. Justin Morneau being Justin Morneau and doing Justin Morneau-type things. Did we all not see that HR coming the second they walked Joe Mauer to get to Justin? Silly Red Sox....Walks Will Haunt. It says so right on our big jumbotron screen.

6. Carlos Gomez and Delmon Young making up for offensive struggles with game-saving defense. Way to contribute guys!

7. Ian Kinsler. Really just for being alive and playing baseball and wearing high socks.

8. Joe Crede didn't break his hand.

9. Neither did Matt Capps!

10. Matt Weiters is getting called up on Friday. Not that this helps me as a Twins fan, it's just exciting to get to see new uber-talents get a chance in the Bigs. They used to say he was going to be "like Joe Mauer, but with power." Now, I guess they have to just say he's going to be "exactly like Joe Mauer." (FYI This just leaves Andrew McCutchen of the Pirates to get called up to satisfy my prospect excitement for the year. I love Andrew McCutchen. He's got awesome hustle, and is quite possibly one of the nicest players in the world, based on my own brief anecdotal evidence.)

There were clearly more than 10 Awesome Things that happened today, but my head hurts and I need sleep....so feel free to add anything I missed!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Well, I'd say it was a successful weekend for the Twins, as I kept myself and my bad mojo quarantined away from the team I love. I did test the waters, to see if my bad luck had worn off yet, on Sunday by wearing a Twins shirt. The Twins won, but there was all that nasty HBP nonsense, so I decided not to chance it today and stayed away one more day. So, I take no blame for this one. I have a feeling that even if we all had all the good mojo in the Universe working for us, the result would be the same.

Having purposely avoided watching (to avoid involuntary cheering) today's game, I can't say too much about it. But I WILL say that, if what I heard was true, booing Delmon Young=unnecessary and classless. This isn't Philly. Have a heart.

While I did my best to ward bad jou jou off for the Twins, there was nothing I could do to help the poor poor players on my fantasy baseball teams. During the past week, countless have fallen to injury and/or crippling horrible-at-baseball slumps. I think my luck is turning now (fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc. etc.), but the past week or so, I have been the kiss of death. As I considered some roster moves in a couple leagues, I just drummed my fingers together, Mr. Burns-style and said "Hmmm....whose career do I want to ruin THIS week?"

But like I said, I think/hope/pray my luck is shifting a bit so I might even try to enjoy a Twins game and cheer for the right side again. Unless something bad happens, obviously.

[EDIT] I may have spoken too soon about my luck shifting....I wrote it before I saw that hand-crushing line drive that took Pirates' closer Matt Capps out. Matt is on two of my fantasy teams. Draw your own conclusions.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The bad news is, I'm pretty sure it is indirectly my fault. The good news is, I think I have a solution.

The piece of the puzzle that tipped me off was Craig Breslow. My Temporary Primary Baseball Boyfriend getting snapped up off waivers? Could just be coincidental. But where is the last place on earth I would ever want anyone I even remotely cared about to go?

Oakland.

I can no longer consider this purely coincidental.

See...this is kind of all about me. Shocking. I know.

I am having a super bad week. Without going into details, because I don't like to whine (besides...at this point it's more like whimpering anyway), it's just one of those weeks where everything that can possibly go wrong does go wrong, down to the tiniest details.

It happens sometimes.

I think that sometimes the Universe gets bored, and I am fun to mess with. So the Universe makes things go badly for me until it is satisfactorily entertained. And they're generally me-specific things (a bad economy, bad weather, etc. are bad for everyone and don't count). I think that's because the Universe likes me to be acutely aware that it is torturing me. It's, apparently, more fun that way.

Anyway...here I was thinking that the Twins losing streak was a contributing factor in the Week From Hell. But now I get it. Instead, it's just a by-product. My luck is rotten, ergo bad things are happening to people and things I care about.

[Further evidence would be Jake Peavy coming OUT OF THE BLUE, not only to our league, but to our division. And not only to our division, but to our dreaded division rivals. We are well beyond the "could be a coincidence" stage, trust me.]

Sorry guys. My bad. I wish I had realized this earlier.

I have a solution though. I thought of it last night. I just need to be sneaky and trick the Universe into thinking I care about something else instead. It took me a while to think of the team I would want to drag down with me. I thought of the Yankees, or any NBA team...but let's face it. The Universe can sometimes be tricked....but it is not braindead. I couldn't sell that.

And then it dawned on me. The most obvious answer. I will convince the Universe that I have become a Brewers fan. It makes sense, geographically. Everyone here (besides me) is inexplicably a Brewers fan. And if this works the way I hope it does, it will be beneficial to the Twins this weekend.

Like I said, I really have to sell it to make it work. I'm currently thinking up cheers and chants for their starting pitchers. I think I will hit Scheels and ooh and ahh over their Brewers merchandise and tell their manager how much I love that they only carry Brewers crap even though we are geographically closer to a vastly superior team called the Twins.

Oh, and meet my new Temporary Primary Baseball Boyfriend, Bill Hall.

He's acceptably good at baseball, and based on the time Those Girls ran into him, quite the snappy dresser.

My apologies to Bill Hall and teammates in advance, for possibly probably cursing them with my bad luck. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

When I feel my fortures have changed enough to make it safe for my real team of choice, I will proudly wear my TC emblems once again.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

OK. With runners in scoring position, we are just a little bit bad. I'll admit.

But overall, things haven't been nearly as bad as the box-scores would have you believe.

So explain to me why tonight, in particular, felt so soul-crushingly painful to watch?

I think it's because you can tell it's starting to really get to the players. And that's no fun. It makes me feel bad, and I think someone should do something about it. NOT that I am in any way advocating any sort of peer-pressure-group-haircut nonsense...but a little morale boost is probably in order. Might I suggest a lovely team-building game of laser-tag? Or maybe a talent show....with skits and dancing! Or maybe just a field-trip to a local shelter to play with puppies (pictures, please). Whatever works. But we need to do something to find the happy. Because the happy is definitely missing.

In other news, remember last summer I had a poll up about which fandom you found most irritating? If I recall correctly the options went something like this:

A)Yankees

B)White Sox

C)Brewers

D)Red Sox

Hmm....take a look at the schedule this month. I take this as proof positive that someone in Selig's office reads the blog and dislikes me and wants to make me miserable via baseball scheduling annoyances. Plus, how else do you explain the lameness of our home interleague schedule? Or the fact that the series in Milwaukee is a mid-week? I'm taking it as a personal attack.

And last but not least, thoughts and prayers go out to the Young family, obviously. Poor Delmon.

Monday, May 18, 2009

You know, every year I try to be optimistic and think "Maybe this is the year we will get over our irritating Yankee-Complex. Maybe this year...."

And I admit, I was even more optimistic than usual this year. New stadium and all. And lately, the Yankees haven't been very....good. Surely, surely the baseball gods would look down upon us with favor this year.

Um....

Yeah. Not so much.

So, I give up. Normally, I'd root really hard for a face-saving win tonight. But I think instead I will just assume we'll lose. And then if by some miracle we DON'T, it will be happy bonus time.

On the brighter side, we haven't exactly been humiliated yet. That's a good step forward.

I think that "All right boys, let's not embarrass ourselves out there tonight!" is an appropriate pep-talk for this evening's festivities.

Of course, on the flip-side, these losses have all been of the gut-wrenching heart-breaking variety. It reminds me of a quote from the vastly underrated, underwatched comedy film Hamlet 2: "Hope is a demon bitch." Indeed.

If you Twitter, make sure you follow Company Woman Amanda tonight. She'll be at the game and tweeting from Yankee Stadium. She'll be rooting for the wrong side, but she's actually a very nice Yankees fan who says nice things about the Twins. And her Tweets are always fun and sporty.

Onto something happier than this Yankees series. I signed up for my membership to the MLB Insider's Club online a few days ago. But today I also got an invite in the mail. In the paper version, you have to put the sticker of your preferred team on the form, so they send you the right stadium blanket.

But since I already signed up, I don't need the paper form. Which means I now have a sheet of stickers with every MLB club's logo and I can do anything I want with them. Yay! What do you think I should do with them?

Friday, May 15, 2009

After a stunning miracle sweep of Detroit (p.s. Joe Crede, I'm sorry I ever doubted your signing and I think they should just give you your bonuses NOW), I have but one wish for the upcoming Yankees series:

Jason Kubel and Justin Morneau, meet the jet stream.

Jet Stream, meet Jason Kubel and Justin Morneau.

Should be good times.

I have been referring to the alleged Yankee Stadium jet stream as "El Niño," which is fun. But you have to say it like Chris Farley in that old SNL El Niño sketch. El NIÑOOOO. It's fun. Trust me. I suspect it's even more fun if you wear a giant sombrero, but I haven't tried it yet.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

With an off-day yesterday, and only 4 MLB games to choose from to entertain myself with baseball, I wound up catching up with some old friends.

First, I checked out the Mets/Braves game that our Johan Santana was pitching. Aside from ESPN highlights and boxscores, I have to say I have not been able to bring myself to really follow a Santana Mets start until now. I'm happy for Mets fans, because Johan is awesome. But we loved Johan so much, for so long, it's still a little bit painful to hear people talk about him like he's some new phenomenon. Like our time together never existed. And when analysts continue to mention what a steal he was for the Mets, it twists a dull little knife in my stomach. But I'm better this season. I can move on and appreciate things for what they are. And yesterday wasn't so bad. But I do have to ask....do the other Mets hate him? I can't imagine why. He is nice and charming and has a winning smile. Why won't they win for him? Errors, no run support...poor Johan. I wanted to give him a hug. Well, I wanted to give him a hug more than I usually do anyway. Or maybe give him two hugs. And a cookie. And a pat on the head. Poor poor Johan.

And then I switched over to the Reds/D-Backs game, because I kind of like the Reds a little. And lo and behold, playing the rold of D-backs mop-up pitcher in a losing blow-out was our good friend Bobby Korecky. Things did not go so well for poor Bobby. We'll leave it at that.

But, as sort-of-fun as it was seeing old pals, I will be happy to get back to regularly scheduled Twins baseball.

And speaking of Twins....the Twins organization has it's own official Twitter account now. They're catching up with the times! You can find it here. Now that we have the club baby-stepping into brave new worlds, a few of us like-minded bloggers/twitterers came up with a brilliant idea last night. I've written it out all formal-like:

WHEREAS the Twitter phenomenon is exploding towards bonefide mainstreamness, and

WHEREAS the Official Twins Organization has now joined the movement, and

WHEREAS the Minnesota Twins are the only AL Central team without verified player Twitter users, and

WHEREAS that fact makes us sad and a little bit embarrassed,

NOW THEREFORE be it proclaimed that we think 1 or more members of the Twins team (we might also settle for minor league representatives) should have a legit Twitter account (The Mauer/Morneau fanclub tweets do not count).

Since he's always a good spokesman for the team, we thought maybe Cuddy could start it off. And maybe his Twitter account could be called "CuddyTweets". Just a thought that we had. (There may have been a little chanting.)

But if Cuddy's not up for it, I'm sure we'd be more than happy to help come up with an awesome Twitter username for any player who's game.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Friday: Awesome. (And I think we can all pat ourselves on the back and take some credit, because clearly our universe shifting power of positive thinking Happy Thoughts worked miracles.)

Saturday: Awesome.

Sunday:...Well...parts of it were awesome. (Two huge thumbs up for Nick Blackburn, back to form). And honestly, when things got decidedly unawesome, I decided to skip the inevitable heartbreak and opted to get nostalgic and watch some season 7 Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs.

Speaking of Season 7 BTVS...Buffy gives a lot of great motivational speeches in that final season. I decided to watch them so I could pick up some pointers for the motivational speech/lecture I need to give to my fantasy Team Awesome. Because, as a team, they decided to S-U-C-K suck suck suck this week. I'm very disappointed in them. They played fine this weekend, but everyone on my team apparently phones it in Monday-Wednesday for some reason. Adjustments have been made. (So everybody cross your fingers that Luke Hochevar's two starts go splendidly this week as he replaces Sir Sidney Ponson in the KC line-up.) Hopefully that will light a fire under them.

I hope all the moms out there had a great day, and I hope tons of funds were made to fight breast cancer. I'm all about being pro-mom and anti-breast cancer.

Speaking of moms....I helped my own mom fill out her All-Star ballots on-line this week. In spite of the excessive amount of Twins lobbying I did, she decided to pick all Royals and Pirates. (Except for Luis Castillo, because she loves him, and Jason Bartlett and A.J. Pierzynski, because I love them.) Her reasoning was that the Twins will get enough votes from me. She wants to make sure the Royals and Pirates get some votes too. She said if they see the voting results, she doesn't want them to be embarrassed. My mom is very thoughtful like that.

Friday, May 8, 2009

And judging by the comments people are leaving on various other blogs and news outlets...a lot of people feel cranky. And they sound a lot crankier than me, actually. And then I feel more cranky reading other people's crankiness and it's a vicious circle of crankiness.

And that's no way to start a home-stand.

Let's try to turn the luck around again with happy thoughts.

I'll go first, but then I'll leave it up to you. Everyone leave a happy thought. I know you have them. Share with the class, please. Baseball related happy thoughts are preferable, but at this point I think we'll take any sort of happy thought we can get. Lame knock-knock jokes are also welcome.

Here's mine:

The letters in "Minnesota Twins" can be rearranged to spell "Antsiest Minnow" AND "Tiniest Snowman." Both of which sound like the titles to very adorable childrens books. Awww.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Four irritating rain delays are actually more annoying to me than 3 errors. Who would have guessed?

Errors can be corrected. But the weather simply refuses to bend to my whims and it pisses me off, quite frankly.

Some interesting mathematical equations I learned today:

Ponson>Silva

Santana+10 x K=Awesome

22-25=-3= :(

And for lack of anything better to write, I have a handful of random things that I kept meaning to mention in blog posts but forgot to and now they're slightly out-dated but oh well:

Since the beginning of the season, Nick Swisher has visited the White House AND rung the bell to open the New York Stock Exchange. I worry that we might be letting Nick Swisher get a teeny tiny bit too close to Things That Are Vitally Important To Our Nation's Survival. I fret about this at night sometimes. Seriously.

Matt's Studio 54 is my new favorite Twins' player charity name. Yes, it has even bumped Cuddy's Buddies. Kids won't get it. I don't care.

Since Blue Bunny is in charge of Twins Territory Ice Cream Operations now, does that mean that Kemp's will stop making the Twins-themed ice cream they sell in stores? I really hope not, because that Peanut Butter Pennant stuff is BOMB.

For like a week and a half, Barry Zito's Twitter user pic was an odd webcam picture of himself sitting in front of his computer shirtless. At first, you would think that that would be kind of cool, right? Barry's a nice looking dude and all. But NO. It was, in fact, kind of creepy and weird. I did not like it and prayed every day that Barry Zito would put his shirt back on. He finally did, and it was good.

At the New Era cap stands in the Metrodome, they now sell pink Twins caps that are scratch and sniff. They smell like watermelon. At least I assume they smell like watermelon, because there are little watermelon slice appliques on the caps. I do not understand this at all. Can anyone explain why this is a) necessary or b) appealing? I am afraid ask the New Era Cap Salesmen because they seem kind of aggressive.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I will hope those three errors were part of some wacky elaborate Cinco de Mayo prank that I don't understand, and NOT something we intend on making a habit of.

Anyone else have a sense of deja vu with Rincon on the mound in a wildly lop-sided game?

Let's do something fun.

It's been a while since I have cracked open some Frequently Googled Questions. As most of you know, every once in a while I like to have a look at the odd questions and phrases that bring people to the blog. It's both fun and informative. Yay!

Scheels Brewers Merchandise

If you are looking to buy Brewers merchandise, you should definitely check out my nearest Scheels. Because they have a LOT of it. Really cute and awesome things too, which would be super great if you happen to be a Brewers fan. You know what my nearest Scheels does NOT have? A lot of cute and awesome Twins merchandise. Even though the Twins are the MLB franchise that is closest, geographically speaking. Whatever. I'm over it. I hope Scheels and the Googling Brewers fans are very happy together. Stupid Scheels.

Tip number 2: If you must MUST go to a baseball game for your first date, and you don't have any independent interest in/knowledge of baseball....try not to sit by me.

Baseball Facts

Oh dear. I'm pretty sure that you are in the wrong place. But I will do my best to help.

Baseball Fact 1: The Twins are more likely to win if I walk counter-clockwise around the Metrodome to get to my gate.

Baseball Fact 2: Grady Sizemore is not that hot.

Baseball Fact 3: Saltalamacchia is the funnest baseball player name to say.

Baseball Players Who Wear High Socks

Here's a short list: Pat Neshek, Brendan Harris, Joe Crede, Michael Cuddyer, Ian Kinsler, Brandon Inge, Jordan Zimmermann. There are more, but these are the ones I like the most.

Nick Punto Michael Jackson Music

Yes! Nick Punto's walk-up music right now is Thriller by the Gloved One. And It. Is. Awesome.

What Happeened to the Twin Girls with 1 Body?

Do you mean Abigail and Brittany Hensel? The conjoined twins from Minnesota are alive and well and enjoying adulthood. You can read more about them, and their organ distribution details, on their Wiki page here.

Jayson Werth Shirtless/Nick Swisher Shirtless

Ladies.....Come ON. You have to be able to do better than that.

Jayson Werth is a little bit terrifying.

I can only imagine that his picture day photo session went something like this:

"OK. Now let's try one where you stare blankly at the camera while trying to look as much like a serial killer as possible."

"Perfect!"

I'm not sure him going shirtless is going to improve things.

And as for Nick Swisher, there are plenty of creepy pics of him floating around the internet. I bet we're all thinking of the exact same one right now.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome and talented young prince named Joseph.Prince Joseph, or Prince Joe, to his myriad of friends and admirers, was loved and adored throughout the land--as much for his distinctive and meticulously groomed sideburns, as for the beautiful and magical songs that he sang.For while he did not particularly talk much (he really preferred reading quietly in hammocks),

Prince Joe did love to sing.And he had one song he sang more than the rest. It was an enchanted song.He sang it softly, so no one else really knew the words, but many townsfolk swore that the chorus went something like

“Call the games, and hit for average.

Trim the ‘burns, then drink a beverage,”

But since he did sing it so softly, no one was willing to swear that those were the words.No matter what the words were though, and no matter how softly he sang, magical things happened when sang the enchanted tune.

Birds sang louder and sweeter.

Babies cooed and giggled, and never cried.

Farmers’ crops would grow greener.

All the food in the kingdom tasted like cotton candy and dreams.

And all the puppies and children in the land would follow him around, hanging on every note.

“You should be on American Idol, Prince Joe!” the children would shout.

“Woof Woof!” the puppies would bark in agreement.

“Aw, shucks,” Prince Joe would say, and tip his cap to the crowd.

This went on for quite some time.

But one dark and stormy night, something went terribly, terribly wrong.

Prince Joe was quiet. Very quiet. Quieter than normal, which is saying quite a bit.

“I don’t feel so good….” muttered Prince Joe, just before collapsing in a heap on the ground.

Prince Joe fell into a deep and mystical sleep, and could not be woken up by anybody.

Panic ensued.

Doctors and specialists from all over the kingdom visited Sleeping Joe.But no matter how much they poked, or how much they prodded, they could not provide a satisfactory explanation for exactly what was wrong with Prince Joe, what could have possibly caused it, or for how long he could be expected to be in this condition.

So Prince Joe slept on.

But without his enchanted song, the kingdom began to fall apart around him.

Everyone was fairly certain that the birds were chirping off-key. Babies seemed fussier and cried all the time.Farmers swore that their crops were half a shade duller.

People complained that the food in the kingdom no longer tasted like cotton candy and dreams, but rather reminded them of wet garbage and Pine-Sol.

And without Prince Joe to follow around, the children turned to vandalism for entertainment, while the bored puppies settled for defecating in neighbors’ gardens.

Things were a mess.

But then, one day, as mysteriously as the unexplained mystical illness appeared, it left.Prince Joe began to stir from his mystical slumber.

“Oh my!” exclaimed the doctors and specialists.

“Thank goodness!” shouted the farmers.

“Hooray!” yelled the children, as they dropped their cans of spray paint.

“Arf Arf!” barked the puppies, who were so excited to see Prince Joe that they peed a little.

And Joe tried.He sang very, very softly.But the words definitely sounded something like

“Call the games, and hit for average. Trim the ‘burns, then have a beverage….”

There was much rejoicing throughout the kingdom. Brids chirped wildly, and in perfect hormony. The children and puppies were hanging on every note.One farmer swore his crops were once again a half shade greener.Babies cooed and giggled. But there was only one way to know for sure if the magic was back…..

“Um…”Prince Joe cleared his throat.“You know, if I really did fix everything with my magic song….when my Princely contract runs out…..I think maybe you should pay me more.Since I am the only one who really knows the words and everything.”

“Yeah….sure…..we’ll talk about that later,” said the town elders.

“You wouldn’t want me to wander away and take my song somewhere else, like Boston for instance, would you?” Asked Prince Joe.“All the children and puppies would follow me, you know.”

“No, of course not. We’ll talk about it later, OK?”

And they would.

But for right now, everyone was content to bask in the magic of Prince Joe and his enchanted song.

Prince Joe would keep singing at least until 2011, barring any relapses of mystery illnesses or any pandemic flu outbreaks or American Idol auditions.And everyone would live happily ever after.