Heard a song on the radio the other day called Egoby Beyonce featuring the talented, genius, unmatched on any level….wait for it, waaaiiit for it, Kanye West. WHAT??? NO!?!?!?!? I was just as shocked as you are. Finally, a self titled song from the big headed “teddy bear”. At the beginning of the song, Mr. West croons a little, fessing up in a mellow, modest vocie. “I got a big ego, such a big ego…” At this point, I’m thinking, “We’ve done it!!!” Combining the recent own-ation the geniuses over at South Park put on Kanye with their “Fishsticks” episode, and my world renowned post about The Dropout’s ego, ~~~> Click Here to read <~~~ he has come to his senses and is now ready to admit defeat. But no. Soon after the meager start, he goes in. Talking about how he has a big….. and how “she” loves his big…..and strokes his big, eh, eh em…..ego. “Everything I throw up, Blow up” , “Flow just the nicest” are a few of the lines that Kanye’s helium surrounded brain allows him to release from his lips. Beyonce joins in with the innuendo during the hook, “It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it won’t fit, it’s too much, it’s too tough.” Now, I don’t really understand the sexual innuendo and it’s relation to the song. I know, I know, ego’s can be big, and strong but other than that I don’t get it. Oh, wait. It just came to me. When I see Beyonce gyrating, vibrating, and conjugating in those videos, the music becomes a non factor and all I think is SEX, SEX, SEX. That’s it. Sex is better than music so when the two combine, the less stimulating takes it’s place in the non-existent part of my brain. Thanks Beyonce.

Anywho, this song was a remix to Beyonce’s original track with the same name. Who better than the self proclaimed, “voice of a generation, the fuckin’ end all and be all to music” to give the world what it so desperately needs. Not even Kanye could create a better fit for this song. I vow to all my readers that from this point out, I am on a quest to deflate the hot air balloon that is Kanye. I shall dedicate my existence to doing so. This has now become my reason for living. Call it hate if you like, I’ll call it …… Whatever…….Stop judging me DAMNIT!!!

A great portion of today’s urban music, some say, has crossed the line of tastefulness. I’m not talking about the booty-shakin’ in rap videos or the other, extra risque things that occur on the screen, but the content of the songs. Although the latter has been cause for concern, I’ll leave Superhead and the rest of the video hoe gang out of this post.

To the critics of my generations choice of auditory entertainment, I say, the music that made you do “The Twist” and the “Mashed Potato” has a lot in common with modern music. Although the vulgarity, and uncouthness is undoubtedly elevated the subject is pretty much the same. So chill out a little. Times have changed. Below I give some examples to back up my assertion.

Old School Jam…

Prince, “Do Me Baby”, 1982 – The title of this song is self explanitory. It blatantly implies the desire to engage in sexual relations with another party, and Prince lists the things he wants his lover to do to him.

Modern Day Match…

The Notorious B.I.G featuring R.Kelly, “Fuckin’ You Tonight”, 1997 – Although Biggie stated lyrically that he was, “black and ugly as ever“, there is no doubt that he was a ladies man. R. Kelly, on the other hand, was a fan of a different kind of lady. A fresh out of the womb, golden shower appreciating lady, that is.

Old School Jam…

Gwen Guthrie, “Ain’t Nothing Goin’ On But the Rent”, 1986 – A few lines from this song; “We’re only wasting time if your pockets aren’t deep”, “No romance without finance”, “I’m looking for a man whose got some money in his hand”. The Modern Day Match to this song sums up this cut in the title, as well as the hook…. Please see below.

Teddy Pendegrass, “Come Go With Me”, 1979 – This R&B joint finds Teddy luring a young lady out of a night club with his sweet mellow sound. At first she refuses, then says, “you said your car was right out front?…And you’re gonna bring me home after…? ” After what? Would somebody fill me in, please?!?

Modern Day Match…

Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel & Amil, “Do it Again”, 1999 – Although this entire song isn’t spent setting up the one night stand, the hook shows that it’s much easier to get straight to the point. ” 12 am – on my way to the club, 1 am – D.J. made it erupt, 2 am – now I’m gettin’ wit’ her, 3 am – now I’m splittin’ wit’ her….6 am – I be diggin’ her out, 6:15 I be kickin’ her out…” These days you don’t have to waste a whole 5 and a half minutes trying to get a girl back to your place Teddy, just a good 36 seconds of potent prose.

Old School Jam…

The Four Tops, “Ain’t No Woman Like the One I Got”, 1973 – “Every day the sun comes up around her. She can make the birds sing harmony. Every drop of rain is glad it found her. Heaven must have made her just for me…” is how this slow jam starts. It goes on to say, “I’d kiss the ground she walks on…” WOW. What a lady!!!!

Modern Day Match…

Notorious B.I.G., “Me and My Bitch”, 1993 – Biggie raps about his girl over this Hitmen track, and all the things she does for him, including packaging drugs and not snitching. Then, he too, like the Four Tops, states what he’d do for his love, but instead of kissing the ground she walks on, he decides to spread the love, and show his appreciation to a family member. “…you look so good, huh, I suck on your daddy’s dick.” Whoa, Big Boy, WHOA. In response to that, a Modern Day Mantra applies……….NO HOMO!!!

Being that it’s blatantly difficult for a lot of Americans these days to properly speak their native tongue, the English Language, I find it quite inconsiderate for Mr. Kanye West to introduce his own language, further puzzling the minds of the verbally challenged. While listening to the lyrical stylings of the self proclaimed, Louis Vuitton Don, my overly analytical ears caught a few examples of the brand new language Kanye will soon introduce to his fans, which includes everything living on the planet, of course. Even the trees and algae, according to him. After implementing the Scientific Method in an attempt to draw reasoning for this undoubtedly bold move, I was able to come up with a hypothesis. In an attempt have a nice rhyming flow, Kanye adds syllables, letters, as well as suffixes, to words and phrases, and also outrightly misuses words, knowing that no one will notice because he’s just that much smarter than the rest of human kind. The success of Kanye’s first two albums, as well as his uncanny ability to sample bits and pieces of old school tracks and produce a modern day hit beat, has sent an extra shot of cockiness into his over-inflated jaw, I mean head. Pardon my transgression. Please take heed of my inside information as I have listed some of Kanye’s banter below.

First on the list…

“GOOD MORNEEAN”-On the intro song to Kanye’s 3nd Album, “Graduation“, he uses this word pronounced — “Good Mor-knee-in” — rhyming it with Valedictorian as he gives himself that title. I’m pretty sure Kanye placed # -32 on the academic list of his graduating class.

“APOLOGEEIN” – pronounced –” a-pol-a-gee-in”– “…Don’t ever fix your lips like collagen, and say something where you gone end up apologeein” is how this one was utilized in “Can’t Tell Me Nothing“. I’m hoping the title of the song is meaningless. (Doubt it, though)

“ADIDOS” – pronounced –“add-di-doe-s”– This slaughtering of a worldly popular sports apparelbrand was refashioned to wrap up this rhyme in “Everything I Am” — “…baggy clothes, Reebok’s or Adidos…”

In no way does this short list encompass the vast instances of Kanye’s malapropisms. When the Merriam Webster’s Kanye to English Translation Dictionary comes out, they will all be included. I would like to congratulate him, though, on grasping the notion of the Dr. Seuss, Cat in the Hat rhyme. Exhibiting his firm comprehension of the sound part, but he forgot about the whole grammatical correctness thing.

In place of my usual sign off, and in honor of Mr. I’m the best person on the planet, sporting my 1980’s shag, and my geek non prescription glasses, I’ll say….