Cheese on crackers, has the chupacabra had a prolific summer. Now America's favorite prune-skinned mammalian cryptid is making a run for the White House. And I'm not talking about [FILL IN YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CONGRESSMAN HERE]! Political humor! Hey-yo!

The mowed-down remains of a small white mammal have captured the imaginations of residents of…
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In summation, a bunch of hospital employees in Prince George County, Maryland caught the beast (which they named "Prince Chupa") with old Chinese food while on cigarette break.

After filming this mangy Foxy Kangaroo Deer-Rat for a spell, they let the beast free in the Maryland woods, where it presumably had a lunch date with Goatman. Also, the newscaster refers to the chupacabra as a "mythical Latino Bigfoot-type figure," an unwieldy term that gives me flashbacks to that wonderful afternoon I watched Harry and The Hendersons from start to finish on Telemundo.