The Beginnings of Hope

Plucked from the darkness. Ripped from my safe spot. Well, that’s what it felt like anyway. It wasn’t really that rough. Scary, different… oh yeah, very different. If you want to read more about that… go HERE.

All I know is that this is exhausting. I had 2 days outside, in a car, experiencing new things. Being in The Body. By myself while being with The Body’s bf.

The noise in my head is louder today. Annoyingly loud. Constant and loud. I hate it. The exhaustion is unbelievable. Doing 2 days like I did was way too much for me. Too much information and many tasks to complete. Hell, when I look in a mirror, what looks back at me I do not recognize. That in itself is unnerving.

Maybe I never will recognize it.

Everything I know is coming from pages in The Book of Shadows. Things I am learning are coming from the bf. Memories are words on a page, most anyway. Dusty pages with dusty words. “Real” memories are very different. They literally take my breath away. I have some… one of my favorites is Cinnamon Bay with Kiki. It just takes my breath away.

This is now day 2 in what seems like a futile attempt to write. I forgot what my original intent for this post was. All I know is that I am trying to figure this out and it sure as hell isn’t easy. I’m dealing with overwhelming exhaustion and we are now on day 2 of it. I sit here and stare at the screen while my mind is somewhere else. My bf calls it ‘Brain Pause’ lol.

This is quite overwhelming and going out those 2 days in a row was a really bad idea. However, I didn’t know it was going to affect me like it has been. If I did, I wouldn’t have done it. I would have spaced things out more. Like taken a couple days in between to let things process before doing it again. It’s hard enough being in a body for the first time. Especially not knowing how far you can push it. What it has been used to… I feel like I pushed it too far for what it has been used to.

One thing I am enjoying are some of the firsts. Like the feel of soap suds between my fingers when washing the dishes. The water of the shower. The feel of the skin and flesh of raw chicken. The absolute fluffiness of Pixie. The satisfying sound the vacuum makes when it picks up stuff. Riding in a car. Seeing the moon, watching the sunset, watching the sun rise. Tasting things, feeling things, seeing things, experiencing things… you get the picture. It’s one hell of a lot of firsts.

Things that are kind of freaky are things like The Body has a bf. He is the only person I have interacted with since I entered. I also do not really know him. I know some things about him but as for knowing him… I am starting to get to know him now. Things I am aware of about him also come from The Book of Shadows. Imagine ‘waking up’ to find you live with someone you don’t know. And this someone does not know about what is happening to you.

I can tell I am different from who he is used to by his reactions and some of the things he says. There is nothing I can do about it either. All I can do is be myself, do what feels natural. Hahaaa funny that I really don’t know myself either yet. I want to ask him what is different but don’t dare.

I notice that I am very uncomfortable around people. I found that out by going into a couple stores when we went outside those 2 days. Talk about feeling anxiety. And now I feel foggy, groggy and exhausted. Thankfully I feel a little bit better today than I did yesterday, still doing a lot of sleeping tho.

Oh, one thing that I was finally able to do successfully this morning was take The Body’s medication without choking on it. Who knew swallowing pills was so hard. Hmmm, that could be part of why I am so wiped out, maybe I have to get used to the medications.

It is going to be interesting meeting other people that she interacted with and knew. It’s been 6 days and the only person has been the bf. Interesting and a little scary I think.