Getting Married in College: The Best Idea Ever

A friend of mine was telling me about this girl he was getting with at a party in the dorms at the University of Wisconsin.

"Dude," my friend began, as many of my friends, begin, "we were grinding hard or whatever and she was like, 'I gotta go to the bathroom,' and I was like 'Okay.' And then she was like, 'No. You're coming too.'" I knew where this story was going. "So we go into this filthy ass bathroom and, well, we start at it, but I'm like real uncomfortable cuz you know I'm a neat freak." I do know that. "So I'm like, 'Listen, why don't we go to your dorm room and finish this off,' cuz we can't go to my place cuz Jimmy" his roommate "had a hooker over. Siiick! Anyways, get THIS! The girl goes, 'We can't go to my dorm" my husband's there, sleeping.' Whaaaat?!"

"Whaaaat?!" indeed. Those damned married college kids. Not just engaged" because an engaged college girl is a dime a dozen (as are their engagement rings). An engagement is something you can break up with a simple recipe""2 parts alcohol and 1 part giant penis. But to break up a collegiate marriage" a MARRIAGE?! That's like, against the law. I'm just wondering though" what's with these married kids in college?

Most married people entering college are in their late twenties/early thirties and have decided to enrich themselves or something. We're not too concerned with these people because they're more married than they are college. When an old friend from middle school they found on Classmates.com calls them up and asks what they're doing, they'd say, "Well, I got married!" And then after a list of other things going on in their life, including what his or her spouse is doing (it's probably real estate), she'll throw in, as an aside, "Oh and I'm going to college too." You know how it is.

No" I'm talking about your average 18-year-old freshman at Chico State, not sure what her major is yet (though will probably end up a "studying a lot of communications"), who loves intramural sports like ultimate Frisbee, Frisbee golf and the International Society for the advancement of Frisbees (she only goes cuz there's free sushi at the meetings) and, well, who just HAPPENS to be married.

Going back to my friend, he posed an interesting question: "Dude, why'd she even get married if she was gonna hook up with guys like me?" Well, dear friend, the answer to that is, in the end, rather simple. There's really one way these marriages happen""a backfired high school breakup.

Most high school relationships end about ten days before freshman year of college starts. The high school couple will have spent an entire day ignoring each other. Then, almost always, the girl in the relationship asks that the two of them meet at a playground near where they had their first date. They both take a seat on some swings on the swing set and "mutually" decide to end things before they get too difficult ("What, with college and stuff coming up").

After this time, they will make out and possibly have sex in public. Both parties will go to their respective homes, regret their decision, but ultimately fight the urge to call the other to get back together. They live happily ever after, separately. But" what if"

Back on the swing set, both the guy and the girl agree a long distance relationship will be pretty hard. But then, right before the guillotine falls, the boyfriend (it's almost always the boyfriend" let's admit it) gets down on one knee and says "" that's why I'd like you to marry me." He probably doesn't have a ring, but he can get one in a few days time (our hypothetical boyfriend happens to be Jewish and has several family members in the diamond business). The girlfriend is overwhelmed with good feelings, which cloud out any common sense. These feelings carry over into the civil ceremony held in the girlfriend's childhood barn that goes down two days before she carts off to school. This elation even lasts well into the first semester, helped by frequent visits home for both homecoming and thanksgiving.

Then there's a lull. Our married girl finds herself sitting bored in her dorm room (mostly watching Full House on Nick at Night) while her roommates are having lots of fun. Then at one point she "loses" her wedding band in the school's wishing well ("I thought it was a penny" it was the same color as a penny" she'll tell her husband). Then, after the couple gets into a heated phone argument, her husband drives up to her college and surprises her, which pisses her off even more. So she leaves him in her room, puts on some slutty clothes and goes to a keg party and, well, you know the rest. It involves penises and mouths.

So what can learn from all this? Duh" don't get married before college, you idiot. And if you're already married" I know some good divorce lawyers. Just get out now before I have to write a guide to college students with babies. And then give my friend a call. He's got a wicked case of blue balls.