Monday, June 26, 2006

Two part post

Part one:

I was so pleased this morning – the contractions really seemed to have subsided; I didn’t have any yesterday until after noon, and this morning only one. So I sent my mom and sis an email saying how happy I was, and that maybe they were dying down and would go away completely.

I really really should have known better.

This afternoon, of course, they started right back up again. And they’re feeling the same way they did on the Wednesday afternoon before I was admitted to the hospital – not every contraction, but about every fourth one I feel low in my uterus, rather than just at the top. I left work early and have been at home on the couch since, but I’m still getting them. I do have a doctor’s appointment in the am, so I’ll wait for that unless they start getting more painful. But I really was hoping that things were settling down in there. Alas.

Part two:

This part is about my sadness that some things with my pregnancy are not going as I had imagined / hoped. If you’re not in a place where you can read something like this, please don’t. I wrote this a few days ago, and I am feeling mostly better, but still a bit… wistful I guess is the best way to describe it.

Let me also preface this by saying that I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant right now, with meeting Phred just around the corner. I am fully aware of what an incredible gift this is, and what a special time in my life (and M’s too).

There are, however, some things that I was looking forward to about being pregnant that just haven’t materialized, or haven’t worked the way I wanted them too, and it all hit me last week.

I was washing dishes, and my back started hurting. The first back pains I’ve had this entire pregnancy. I feel like it’s all because I can’t exercise, I can’t lift weights like I was – I had been feeling so strong and healthy and good about myself and how my body was handling this pregnancy, and now I just feel like crap. I know that exercising makes the contractions worse, and of course I don’t want that, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it terribly.

That (and, I think the Norah Jones CD that I was listening to – not really a good idea if you’re already feeling sad and melancholy) made me start thinking about some of the other things I feel like I’m missing out on.

The whole increased sex drive in the second trimester? What a joke! In my case, that is a complete load of baloney. I’ve never had a terribly active one to begin with, and now it’s gone from, oh I’d say a 2 on a scale of 1-10 (1 = no sex drive, 10 = nymphomaniac) to about a zero. Maybe even a negative number. And that makes me sad, because I was looking forward to being able to share that with M.

I also have never been one to dream. Or at least to remember them. And I was looking forward to all the wild and wacky dreams of pregnancy. That hasn’t come to pass either. I had the one dream during my 2ww that I knew I was pregnant because my nipples were bleeding – since then, nada.

I don’t know how much of these previous two are old wives tales, versus things that most people really do experience. But regardless, I was looking forward to both!

I think the thing that makes me saddest (in fact I know this is what most upsets me because when M and I were talking about it last week I started absolutely bawling) is that because Phred is breech and my placenta is on the front of my uterus, it is extremely rare that Phred’s movements can be seen or felt from the outside. M has felt her a few times, but we don’t get to play with her like so many other people have described. So it makes me really sad that I have this amazingly cool thing going on inside me, and I can’t share it with the person most important to me in the whole world like I want to. He said that he doesn’t feel left out, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.

15 comments:

No two ways about it, high-risk pregnancies suck. It's not fair when you wait so long for something and then you can't fully enjoy it. I hope your contractions stay at bay and you get to experience some of the things you were looking forward to.

Remember that all the stories about beautiful pregnancies are written AFTER the pregnancy and they are now dealing with one year olds and thinking about how much easier it was to just be pregnant. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Being pregnant, whether high risk or not, is not all butterflies and roses. Sometimes its just mosquitos and thorns. It's the final result that will make you think your pregnancy was picture perfect.

First just let me say that I'm glad you posted, as I have been thinking about you quite a bit and wondering how you were doing.

Sorry to hear that the contractions haven't really stopped yet. :(

I understand your wistfulness about the pregnancy, and can somewhat relate. When I was pregnant, before I miscarried last winter, I was put on STRICT bed rest due to bleeding and what not. Well, that was not fun. I couldn't work, leave the house for anything except doctor's appointments. It wasn't my "dream pregnancy" either, but of course in the end I know I'll do whatever I have to do to have a healthy baby, just as I know we all would.

And, when I get pregnant again, chances are I'll be high risk again, and I probably won't ever get to enjoy fully the experience of being pregnant, wearing fun maternity clothes, and getting "out there" in the world to share my pregnancy. It's something I felt sad about last fall, and if the next pregnancy requires bed rest again, I know I'll feel a bit sad again too. It doesn't take away how grateful one feels though, so never think that! I understand where you are coming from.

Let us know how your doctor's appt goes, okay? I'll be thinking about you -- I'll be at my clinic for E2 testing bright and early in the morning!

Oh sweetie - this all sounds sad :-( I would feel icky too! I know what you mean about the baby kicking thing. I would feel sad if my partner couldn't feel the baby (if we ever freakin get pregnant!). I totally sympathise on the sex drive thing too. This whole TTC thing has killed my drive a bit, and if I'm not horny when I'm pregnant I'm going to be devastated. And so will my partner!

I have had some of the old wives tales symptoms, but there are others I haven't. And along with the cool stuff, I've had an incredible amount of anxiety and some depression. I think for one, every pregnancy is different, and second, there are way too many happy but not completely true images of pregnancy out there. How could you not feel sad when comparing your pregnancy to the "ideal"?

Nico, first off - sorry to hear that it hasn't been an easy pregnancy.

I can totally relate to not being able to exercise. I was doing great as a runner pre-pg and around my 4th month I had to stop. I missed it so much by the time K was born it was driving me crazy. Try not to worry about it. Before you know it, you'll be back at it.

I also had anterior placenta (in the front) and was bummed about not being able to feel as much or as soon. It drove me crazy to hear others talk about how they felt all these kicks and could see elbows, etc - I wanted to scream! But eventually I got too feel/see K and you will get to have the same with Phred. I don't remember how far along you are, but I felt K around 23 weeks or so. It really picked up around 28/29.

You've been handling everything well. There are people who'd be pissing and moaning about every little thing and you've been a good sport about it all. Hang in there!

Ah, so Phred is a she? Maybe I missed that, but I don't recall reading it. I always wanted to experience pregnancy. When we decided to adopt rather than go through the fertility treatments, I was kind of sad that way. Since out adoption was anything but picture perfect, I can only imagine what might have been during my pregnancy - and most of it isn't good.

Trying to enjoy a pregnancy when you have to worry about every twinge is so hard. I know that I told you I went through something similiar with my first pregnancy, it really does take the magic out of it. One thing I will say is that as the baby gets bigger, your DH will feel the baby move more....it will happen,

You are more than entitled to have conflicting feelings, to feel grateful while also feeling really sad about certain things not working out the way you would've hoped. I'm happy that in our blogs (and sometimes that's the only place!) we can be really and truly honest with what we're feeling. So go on with your bad self girl, and keep us updated :-)

I'm sorry you've been feeling down about the high-risk pregnancy thing -- I know where you're coming from. It's such a mishmash of emotions when you've gone through infertility, because you don't feel like you can complain about it, even if you've got good reason.

Oh, Nico, so sorry. What a frustrating time. It's hard to not feel disappointed when it seems that everyone promises it will be one way and it's quite another. I hope there are parts of it that are enjoyable and you are able to savor those. I am hoping those contractions die down and rear up again during week 40. Take care of yourself.

I too had a forward placenta and you will start to feel and see movement very soon. By the end I was feeling it so much I sometimes wished it would stop. But just like all the other commenters have said, there are no two pregnancies alike, even your own. The images of pregnancy we are bombarded with everyday are just so unrealistic. I kept waiting to feel graceful my whole pregnancy, but instead I just continued grunting, farting and burping like the mad pregnant women I was. Looking back, I can hardly even remember being pregnant, that's the ironic part.

About Me

Thought I would "get healthy" in preparation for having a baby. Lost 20lbs to a BMI of around 20 in May-Jun '04. Went off the pill right after that, and surprise surprise, didn't even get my period. Diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea. Gained some weight, cut exercise, didn't have anyone else with HA to ask questions of, so ended up moving to injectables, 4 BFN cycles. Surprise natural pregnancy while waiting to do IVF (and having gained those 20lbs back, cut my exercise 50%). DS#1 born 08/2006. Cycled fairly normally 1 year later, DS#2 born 09/2008. Cycles returned 10 months later. M/c 06/2010, then DS#3 born 04/2012 through IVF.