Dear Jonathan And Our Two Children.....i'm So Sorry.

Tomorrow 01/13/13 is the1 year anniversary of my relationship with the man I'm having an affair with, the man I compromised my entire life for, the man I chose over my family when I got caught 6 months ago, and the man I currently live with today. And 1 year ago tomorrow I believed that my marriage wasn't worth my efforts anymore.... Well, the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" is the ONLY thing in my life that makes sense to me now.
I filed for divorce this past week and I can't even begin to describe the pain in my heart as I watched someone my husband didn't even know hand him the few pieces of paper that would eventually leave our once perfect family in ruins. I am devastated about my marriage ending and sometimes I feel like I should just grab our children and a bag of clothes and walk out of the house that I now share with my affair partner and never look back. I will be the first to admit that I not only regret all of the mistakes I've made that have brought me to this overwhelmingly depressing chapter in my life, but I will also say that I take full responsibility for my poor judgment and know that no matter how bad our marriage may have seemed at the time when I had given into temptation... it doesn’t justify or compare to the devastation I caused to the man I've known for over half of my life or to the hurt I see today in the faces of my children and the pure confusion in their innocent voices when they ask "Mommy? Why don't we all live together anymore?" If I could go back in time and do it all over (knowing what I know now) I would already be gone.
With my whole heart, I miss you. I miss “us” and the way we loved each other and how even during the coldest times of our lives our love was warm enough to keep us alive. I miss the way I depended on you and you depended on me, I miss coming home after work (before the affairs began) and feeling like I was home. I miss you, and I’ll miss you for the rest of my life…. No one will ever come close to touching my heart as deeply as you have. You are truly the love of my life and without you, a part of me will always be missing.
I wish I could tell you that I love you Jonathan and have you respond with that smile I forgot I loved so much. I wish we were in the kitchen making dinner together and sharing a bottle of clos du bois Chardonnay. I wish we were lying in bed telling Jokes and riddles about "baby elephants" like we use to do all those years ago. I wish it was me that you were dreaming of tonight and not the someone new that I don't even know. I wish that our children still called it "home" and not "Mommy's house" and "daddy's house". I wish I had been stronger and fought harder to protect what was once "everything I ever wanted" but above all, I truly wish you all the happiness in the world Jonathan even if it isn't with me.
I love you through and through, yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Wife

April 8, 2016
EP is ending soon and there are a lot of you out there that have contacted me through messages and I would still like to be able to help and comfort those of you who have and/or want to reach out to me. You can email me at annie.adams3321@gmail.com.

I have decided to write a book about the mistakes I've made and how those mistakes destroyed my life in turn left me and my children living with an emotionally abusive Narcopath. My heart will bleed through the pages as I confess my pain and regret. This book will include my collection of my poems, journal entries (such as this one posted here on experience project) and stories including the ones I've never shared before. My true identity will be revealed and I'll accept the various judgements that I expect to be made upon me. In the end though, I'm hoping that the publishing of this book will provide me with the opportunity to help other's who have lost their way and/or who are trapped by their own Narcopathic partner. It's a seriously dangerious situation to be in and unfortunately a victim's odds of getting out are slim. "Trapped by a Narcopath" will be published in June 2016 and because I am more interested in sharing my story than I am of profiting from it; the initial release of the book will be free on Kindle.

EP is ending very soon so for those of you who have reached out to me and for those of you who want to reach out to me in the future can email me at annie.adams3321@gmail.com

I can't believe you just got this grown man to cry so quickly and easily and I'm at work. Not good. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, beautiful and real peak into a fraction of the pain you must be feeling. I don't know if it does any good, but that is exactly the kind of confession that David gave to God after his affair and murdering the woman's husband to cover up getting her pregnant. And God says David is a man after his own heart. Every single one of us have looked over the fence. Many of us have jumped. Some of us get caught, some of us get away with it, but very few of us have your type of integrity and openness to share the truth. I did not look at any responses below, but I'd imagine you've attracted your fair share of "finger pointers" and "head shakers" on here, as well as your fair share of pervs hoping you'd have an affair with them. I was drawn into your profile because I'm in Marketing/Advertising and saw your idea for the car, but never expected to find this. You just shook me to my bones with this as I'm newly separated and we have not told our children yet. Your description of yourself under your Advertising idea was eerie because it sounded like you were describing my wife to the "T". It would be an honor to be our friend as it sounds like we have a lot in common and both wear our hearts on our sleeves. Are you a Gemini like me by chance as well? (Noticed we write our feelings.) Could use a friend.

I wrote this story a year ago tomorrow, and I still feel the way I did when I sat down and wrote it... I think I can still taste the tears that dripped down my face as I typed my heart out. I did talk to my husband in fact he himself has logged on and not only read the above story but read all of the comments you all have posted. Our situation hasn't changed a whole lot over this past year but our children are growing up before our eyes while we stand still unable to move from this awkward situation we have grown to comfortable in. It's like we know we can't go back, but neither one of us feel right moving forward... Every decision no matter how big or small, feels like a bad one. The affair was just a fraction of how much trust would be broken between us... While I do not blame him at all for my poor judgement in having the affair to begin with, he does rightfully hold himself accountable for some of the spiteful choices he made that had a direct negative impact on not only me, but on our children. I wasn't malicious in my reasonings to have an affair, and while yes, I knew it would devastate him upon discovery but it was never my intention to go out and have an affair for the sole purpose of hurting him. My husband can now see my reasons as to why I felt the need to turn to someone else and understands that they are reasons and not excuses... For there is no excuse for what I had done.

I hope , I truly hope that everything work out well at the end. We all commit mistakes, and sometimes to learn things in life we need to excavate deep and hurt ourselves in order to understand. Please forgive yourself , men do those things everyday and they feel no remorse .

whoa.. to say men feel no remorse is not only wrong it is hurtful.. I felt extreme remorse when I left my ex but I knew in the end it was the best for both of us.. I was not happy in our relationship and she was not either.. it took me leaving for her to realize that.. she met a very nice guy that she fell in love with and actually thanked me for setting her free to find him. things happen for a reason.

This is without a doubt one of the most beautifully written and painful stories I have ever read here. Thank you for having the courage to share it. I am absolutely speechless.

Sigh. My mind is running a million ways on this.. I like the reasons vs. excuses. My husband has always said.. Even when I was crying my eyes out and telling him how unhappy I was in the marriage.. Yes, but I feel just fine. And I could never understand how he could be so happy when I felt like we were broken in half.. Stopped kissing, holding hands, exchanging gifts, hell.. Even having basic compassion for each other in every say life. I felt like I tried and tried and tried and then I just could not try any way. My heart was so full of heavy sadness by the broken promises to fix his temper, his lack of empathy or emotional connection.. And we were stuck. When I told him about the affair, he sent me an email the next day immediately forgiving me and saying.. I'm strangely proud of you for the way you have handled yourself. Very mature and not blaming. You made it clear that you chose to deal with the broken parts of our marriage in an unhealthy way and also, I strangely don't blame you for this. You have been telling me for years how broken all of this has felt to you and I haven't listened one iota. I get it.

I told my Mom and his what happened and both hugged me and cried and said they understood.. And my mom was the victim of this years ago and his mom was the one who strayed because.. She was married to his dad and it was the exact situation.

I'm not sure why I'm pouring all this out in response to your post, but it touched me deeply and I wanted you to know that. Thank you. Peace to you and yours. Xo. M

I'm a daughter who caught my mother having an affair, and I wish she had a heart like yours. She has not one ounce of regret or guilt for what she has done to my father. He is the kind of man who would change his whole life for her, and he wanted to work things out. I'm not the kind of person who can't forgive my mom for having an affair, it's what she did after the mistake that I can't forgive. So don't be too hard on yourself, because I'm sure your children will forgive and love you.

Annie Were do i start??I've been with my now wife for 9.5 yrs we now have 2 girls one 6 and one 9 months beautifull girlsafter finding out in sep 2011 that she has had well over 8 affairs one lasting a whole 2 yrs tells me the only real time we were together was when my first daughter was born till she was bout 6 monthsFind out drove me insane broken fingers prison swat team hospital court cases and most of all heartache!!Why??? How did she have the nerve to look at me everyday tell me she loved me we r going to grow old together for 10 yrs? How do u guys do it?It's been just over a year now and we have managed to stay together she says she loves me and I say it back with a smile though deep down once my girls are older it will defiantly be over Say what you guys want but I am a man who also came from a family were my mother had an affair I always wished back then my parents never split up its ugly coming from a broken family and my kids will not go thru wat I went thru try at least keep it together for the kids sake regardless of how much time your wasting cause believe me you don't want history repeating itself

Making mistakes is something we are all capable of and often do.Annie, you write as if you had the perfect marriage before surrendering it for the "love" of someone else. Surely that cannot be correct? There must have been some underlying problem that led to your decision to have an affair!It is true that we should learn from our mistakes but to have threatened your family's well being, for what now appears to be so little, would suggest you continue to make them.No decent person could read your story without being moved by your deep regret and emotional distress, but if you could have your husband back do you think that the original mistake would not repeat itself again in the future?That would be catastrophic for every single one of you. I would also say that your present relationship sounds as if it has already come undone and it would be perhaps worth considering making a clean break as soon as it is humanly possible. You owe that to your children and yourself. You cannot move forward while feeling trapped by your present circumstances.It might just be that your husband still loves you and would welcome the chance to give it another go with the family he obviously loves!You made one mistake Annie, time to put regret behind you and move forward for the sake of your children, your ex and yourself!

I am sorry to hear that Drew and would like to tell you something that may be of use to you in the future.When I met my wife I told her that I would give her absolute honesty and in turn required that from her. We were and still are very much in love after 24 years of happy marriage.Humans sometimes confuse sex and love as the same thing....it is of course not the case! Being 14 years older than my wife I explained that if she did ever want to have sex with somebody else I would not stop her but would need to be the first to know! I have never been the jealous type and sex for sex sake has never been a taboo subject for me.In 24 years we have had complete honesty from each other and my wife has had 3 or 4 sexual encounters that she asked me if I minded before the event took place. I love and trust her totally and she enjoyed the encounters for exactly what they were.....pure sex! She doesn't regret them and neither do I. Our own love making is superb and my wife always says she doesn't know why she bothered having sex with someone else. I always laugh at that and tell her sometimes the urge just get's the better of us all, but keeping it a secret would put up barriers between us and that leads to destruction. Nowadays she has no interest having sex with other men but we are happy that our trust and honesty with each other could not be breached by any outsider. It definitely made our marriage rock solid and very interesting. She and I have never felt trapped or restricted by marriage and the freedom she has always retained meant she never got confused with love and sex.You will get over this terrible emptiness you feel at the moment Drew and perhaps your next relationship can be based on true honesty.I do not suggest you follow our sexual lifestyle because we are all different but total honesty truly is the key to happiness in a loving relationship.I wish you well my friend.

Very nice reply and advise. I told my wife many years ago to go take a lover, which she did and has done many times since, but she always tells me. It is only sex much like her going and playing sport and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Don't let go: especially if you have children. Don't allow yourself to be walked on either though.... You need to do what is best and what feels right for you. Remember, one day you'll look back and say one of these three things: I'm okay without her because at least I know in my heart that I fought as hard as I could for my marriage.OR-- I'm so glad I never gave up because we were able to find our way back to each other. OR-- I wonder what would have happened if I tried harder to save my marriage.

I don't know about you, but I could live with option 1 or 2 but I couldn't live with option 3Stay strong and trust yourself to know what is right.

That's a powerful confession, I'm sorry there are so many self righteous people here who feel like they have a right to talk down to you for it, like that have any idea what your situation is besides what they just read. Good for you for owning up to your mistakes. I hope that whatever happens you and your family can find peace and move forward in the best way possible.

You are really arrogant you that? You accuse me of being self righteous and then you ask for forgiveness for what me and what other users wrote? I find it amusing that the original author said nothing of the more harsh comments and you step up and feel the need to make a scene. Grow up!

That's the kind of non helpful attitude I was talking about. You take away other people's responsibility for their actions. You think you are being helpful?It's like if I say something to someone who posted a text on the Internet, is it really your place to comment? Or is it between me and the original author. As I said, if you take so big an issue, go to a moderator or administrator.And don't ever take an attitude like that again. It's not helping anyone and I find it quite offensive. Just to make clear, unless it is a grammar error, I won't change a comma in my text. And this guy sure as hell is not responsible for my actions or to apologise on my behalf.

Look man, you want to talk to me about this feel free to message me, there's enough comment ranting on the internet without adding to it. I'd be happy to defend my actions if it's really bothering you that much.

wow. What a bunch of bull. It's like you're crying to yourself about the mistakes you make so you keep on making them. If you really feel that way about it, get on your knees and beg your husband to take you back. Cheating for me is a deal breaker and if I was your husband I'd probably make sure you only got to see your children again every odd weekend (just out of spite). If that is not the case for you, be glad and beg for him to take you back. Running away won't help. Quite the contrary. You made a mistake, it happens and now you know.

Beg, grovel, implore, do whatever you can think of if you really want him back. You can't turn the clock back but you can make things better and you can show him that you are willing to fight for your relationship. If he says no (he can and that is probably why you are choosing the easy route out of it), then you can move on knowing you did your best to correct that mistake. If you don't try, you will always feel guilt and you will not have a happy life.

The woman just bravely poured her heart out and confessed something she did wrong, she's obviously working through a lot, and you just **** all over her. Who are you to talk to her that way as she's working out what happens, maybe she will talk to her husband, maybe he won't talk to her at all so she wrote this letter and posted it on here as a warning to anyone making the same types of mistakes. She LOST HER FAMILY i think that's bad enough without your self righteous judgments.

Not self righteous. I am by no means perfect (soooo far from it actually...). It it's just my opinion based on her letter. Too much self pittance ("...oh I wish..." "...oh how I want to...") and not enough fight in it. If she didn't want to get feedback on what she wrote, the internet is surely a bad place to pour your heart out.

What I posted was merely a "wake up and smell the roses" or rather, a "Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get your *** in gear!" type of thing. I find these way more helpful than a group crying session where feelings of commiseration and self punishment are plenty and nothing gets actually done. Again, in MY experience.

Also, she didn't loose her family. They are still alive. It's up to her to change it.

And I dare because:a) it was not disrespectfulb) not of poor tastec) because I felt like I should tell this.

If you don't agree with it, take it to a website moderator. I could really go without your self righteous judgement on what I wrote.

@mAiorI understand what you are saying. And you are correct... Fear of... Well, a lot of things actually 1) not being able to trust one another and finding ourselves in a resentful relationship having to keep my guard up because I can't trust he isn't lying to me and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to even the score and/or "sleeping with the enemy" per say, fear that I would loose them both and along with that my home, my job (I had an affair with my boss and when my husband left I couldn't afford all the bills and mortgage so my affair partner and I found a place and moved in together) and if I were to loose all those things I would also loose my kids. My husband moved in with his mom and dad... They pay for everything for my husband and I didn't have that option. A lot of the choices I made were made while in survival mode but the consequences of those choices only buried me further into the mess I'm in... I honestly believe I made the best choices at the time given my limited options. Yes, I put myself into hot water, a mistake I will own but kicking myself in the *** about it won't keep me from drowning now will it? This isn't an attempt to have a party, this is an anonymous website where I can say the things I can't say out loud... And maybe my story will touch another person who is thinking of having an affair and stop them. I didn't write this to convince myself that I'm the victim. I wrote this because the damage to our lives is done and I can't change that but if I can save another family from going through what we have, maybe our tragedy won't be just a tragedy. I do really understand your "tough love"/ "get proactive" approach and generally that is my kind of lifestyle... However, I know my husband better than anyone else in the world, he needs to kick and scream and get his anger out. He is quick to react with spite and therefore "begging for forgiveness" would only give him the opportunity to hurt me in return and I know what you are thinking... "Good, you deserve it!" And maybe so but do our children deserve to have their family reunited back together only to have it ripped away from them again. Absolutely not. And the only thing that you said that really bothered me was the fact that you openly admitted that you would use your own children as weapons simply to hurt your wife out of spite. I can not even begin to explain how damaging that would be to your children and you would be the cause of that pain. Please think about what is in the BEST interest of your kids and do not let your hurt feelings interfere with your parental responsibility. Being a bad spouse doesn't automatically make you a bad parent.

PS- you wrote the above comment on my birthday which also happens to be the day my husband broke into my computer, found out about my affair and left me.

I am not thinking you deserve what is coming (or not) frankly it is irrelevant and a bit of a strawmen (I see what you are trying to say and one can get that impression from my previous post but I never really said it nor meant it to be taken that way). What I basically meant was that for every action there is a reaction and his reaction will be what he thinks is fair.

Thinking he will fool around will get you nowhere either. As far as you know, he never did it so why stop trusting him now? You were the one who fooled around not him and frankly, that statement doesn't help me being sympathetic since you (yet again) place yourself in the victim's role. Taking the fact you have children, if he takes you back I highly doubt he will just "cheat you back". That is not adult behavior and I would be surprised anyone out of college will take that path. In fact, I can say this for certain; if you have a serious commitment to each other (and you have kids), he will rather be honest and tell you he wants to move on instead of getting back into a relationship and cheat you like a 16 year old.

What I said about begging and groveling were actually suggestions for you to do whatever you think works best. What is important is to admit you made a huge mistake and own up to it and to the ensuing storm. You may end up not getting him back but at least you'll get a bit more respect and a more pleasant relationship on the long term (thinking about the children and all).

As for not getting children into the midst of it, I would probably go easy after a while but for me, cheating is breaking a bond of thrust and I would be very weary of trusting that person with my kids (and it's not just related to sex. Cheating as in not owning up to your responsibilities is also as bad, would you trust something ho said was at work and instead was drinking all day?). I am not saying that it is fair but that is my way of thinking. As for kicks on the *** saving you from drowning, well, at least they get you nearer to the surface don't they? If you look at the physics behind it that is. And by no means have I suggested that you go ahead and take a hasty decision. You are pretty good at doing it yourself Like the one about moving in with your boss. Ouch! Now there's a nice ticking time bomb. By the general tone of your post, I highly advise you to search for a new job ASAP anyway. That minefield you got there will eventually blow up in your face and it is better to be prepared (just think of your flat mate and partner position. How long till he starts to have doubts? How does he behave when you want to spend time alone? Can you talk to him about your former husband and family? Is his support waning after the affair got older?). Again, don't take this as an attack and purely as an "it's your own fault post". As you put it, it is advice from someone who has been through a minefield before and blew several of them and is still recovering (3 years of damage and basically a stagnant life). And whose best help was a major kick in the *** coming from an unlikely place. Granted, in a different state of affairs and in a different period in life (no kids) but still, if you know what you want, plan for the best way to get it and do it.

ps - it sucks to be caught on your birthday. Hope you had a nice one. But I can't avoid pointing out that this particular bit of information is rather pointless isn't it? I don't know if that was your plan or not but it appears that you are trying to get more sympathy from readers and me and frankly, that only adds to my initial belief that you are, yet again, playing the role of the victim.

I honestly, from the bottom of my heart hope you manage to sort your life out. But I don't think you have showed the right attitude yet. Of course, this is all over the internet and I don't really know you (or have any plans/ desire to do so) so take my comments from what they are. A guy who has some life experience loves exploring his own head (an amazing one if I may say so myself) and is taking a 15 min break from work.

I just split with my wife of 18 years after I had an affair. My relationship did not include kids - my wife took me for granted totally and sex was terrible. I fooled around and fell in love. Your confession expresses feelings that people can't possibly understand unless they've been there - it's obvious mAIOR is clueless. I too wake up every morning wondering what I could have done to change it- make it work. I didn't have any fight for it in me in the end which oddly told me I should not be in that relationship. Yes, you want the marriage for your children and you miss the "family" aspect but that alone probably isn't worth the hollowness of serving out a shallow marriage. The things that drove you to your affair are actually all still there and you would most likely find yourself remembering and not accepting the same lack of emotion and excitement that drove you to have the affair. In my case we had both moved on to other interests and virtually separate lives - the things that attracted us to each other in the beginning were gone and my efforts to romance and my desires for affection were continuously being pushed away - ultimately I realized she was hurting me and in the end she pushed me away. I was stunned when she was deeply hurt to learn I was cheating on her - she certainly didn't show me any interest before she learned of my affair. I keep thinking if she really loves me that much why isn't she reaching out and offering forgiveness? I haven't seen any signs of her desiring to put our marriage back together- in fact she is full steam ahead let's get this over and done with.

There are dynamics that someone who has not gone through this range of emotions would understand - everyone thinks they understand it but they really don't.

As for you - I truly hope you can come to peace with yourself and work on Annie and what makes you happy. I feel much happier in my new situation though the divorce is not final yet and when that day comes next month I know it's going to be a tough day when I sign the paper work. We tend to minimize the bad parts of our relationships and only think of the good times.

I also hope you are getting some council and not totally blaming yourself for what happened. You obviously weren't happy in your marriage and when all of this turmoil happens we tend to forget the problems that caused our dissatisfaction in the marriage. Life is too short to settle. Sorry your husband is vindictive - if there is a chance to get back together he needs to do some reaching out to you - you've been the martyr long enough!

My sister divorced after 25 years of marriage and the kids were teenagers - she'll tell you it would have been better to divorce while the children were younger - the teenagers used it as a rational to manipulate and they became hell on wheels. Fortunately one has now gone off to college and he has adjusted well - time will tell if the 15 year old daughter makes it or not - she's a demanding hellion right now.

Sorry my note is a bit scattered - I'm typing into a box on my iPad that only allows 4 sentences to be seen. Overall - thanks for posting your heartfelt confession - you are very expressive and a good communicator. Reality is- you will have a major hand in raising your children - you are their parent and most likely your marriage would end up where it ended eventually - it's important for you to be happy and not beat yourself up. I know over time you will find a balance!

It seems that you still care for him and him for you. If it bothered you so much and you could see the hurt in him why go through with the divorce. I could tell you still care. I can hear the hurt when you talk about the memories. If you wished you had fought, why not fight still. I am not criticizing, I am just trying to understand, why if there is still love there why walk away? Why hurt the people you loved and cherished? Why not fight? Like I said I am not criticizing just curious.

Everyone is capable of losing ground in their lives. I know I did. But I am slowly getting it back. It is very hard not see MM anymore, but I keep my wits about me and my moral compass right there in front of me and somehow everyday I make a different choice.

Thank you for sharing your story. It was truly heartbreaking but I think you were supposed to tell your story because some of us need to hear to keep us strong.

Maybe I was a little harsh: but you need to talk to your husband. And your kids. As a child who grew up with a parent that cheated, it messed me up. You need to explain why these things happen but let them know it's not ok.

Dear Annie, I'm sorry. I too had an affair. I must remind myself to appreciate that I am still married, even though sometimes I miss the 'other man'. My husband and I are good together - I'll not fail him again. Thankyou for sharing your story.

That's really sad... But the only thing you can do from here is to start over again. Before you do, see a therapist.

Find out what made you vulnerable to making bad decisions. There is something there, something that doesn't work right, something deep that you don't see or understand within yourself. Maybe it was put there by trauma or bad parenting and you never realized it... If you don't find it, you will only endlessly repeat your mistake - and you do see it as a mistake, at least there is that. That means there is some hope to learn from it.

But blowing up whatever life you have now is not learning from it, that's running away from it. That doesn't fix anything. That's an emotional reaction with no good outcome.

You need to fight for this marriage. Period. The kids are the ones who will will benefit from this in the long run. Have you sat town with him and let him know that you want a second chance for your sake and espscially the kids? Please think about the difference betweeen your kidz turning out well adjusted when they are older or turning out to be kids with issues you never could have imagined. You have to fight for this.

A very sad story, hopefully with a happy ending. Why do both men and women cheat so much in today's world? I contend that we are brainwashed by popular media stories to feel unsatisfied and chase glamour and hyped up sex appeal.

tell him how u feel let him see this put it on facebok so he and all can see that u do truly sti lve him if he loves u the way u realised u love him u may just get a scond chane everyone deserves a second chance hope that u can find happiness again with ur faly ad ur rue love everyone makes mistakes love u not the first hope all go well good luck x

I am sad that you had to find out the hard way that when you are in an affair ,it is always exciting , intense , mind blowing for a while. Then you get back to real lfe and after all the lust you find it was not worth the effort. We women we are an emotional kind and we never are truely complete ,unless we complete ourselves. I hope you and your family reunite . It can done. Good Luck!

What a tragic story,,, every word you wrote I've felt,, one day, after 26 yrs of marriage my X said she loves us but cant live with us and left,,, just like yours the kids took it very hard,,, but we moved on and so will you,,

i agree with the rest of the responses it is truly a heart sweeping story and i do feel for you. i do hope your husband understands that you truly regret your actions; however, my question is why did you choose bacon when you knew you had a steak waiting at home. temptation does lead us astray from time to time, and i know that all to well when my wife had an emotional affair over the internet some years ago. and from a male point of view it left me with a scar that is still healing after 6 years. if your husband does take you back, i doubt he will have much trust in you for a long long long time. he may forgive but he wont forget. again my deepest wishes and best of luck to you.

I am so sorry for you. I had an affair with my first husband and what I thought was "greener" was abusive. I am thankful to be married for going on 13 years. He had an emotional affair a little over a year ago and my heart is forgiving as I understand how crappy our lives were at the time. I wish you peace as with kids it is so very hard. Forgive yourself enough to understand things happen for a reason and learn enough not to stay in a bad relationship. You and your children deserve better.

when did you realize that you still felt all those things? Haven't you told your husband? .....Why?My heart goes out to you...you clearly made a big mistake and are now suffering for it....You really should tell your husband how you feel...If you don't you may never know if you could have saved your marriage......I wish you all the luck in the world........

Annie, my wife had an affair recently - if you are as true as you write and if your Jonathan truly loves you, he will forgive you....only you and he will know your true relationship over the years....you have to make him believe this....in the mean time, I recommend reading "When Godly People Make UnGodly Mistakes." By Beth Moore. Trust me, my wife's affair not only blew me away-we really have a great marriage (18years of marriage) it took her by suprise as well....here is the deal, satan destroys good people to do bad things to destroy homes. We are going through biblical marraige counseling....my wife feels the way you feel that is why I believe her and forgive her - forgetting is the next step to forgiving...I'm working toward that now.

Dear Annie, Please send a copy of your letter and responses to your ex husband. Perhaps he will listen to your heart rendering plea. May the hardships ahead be triumphs behind. My wife has a beautiful saying, wrap your man around your little finger and keep him feeding at the honey pot, she has kept me there for over 50 years.

Yes you need to fight for your marriage. Remember one thing. No matter what others tell you or no matter how ridiculous you think this sounds, you need to fight for your marriage. I get it, you believe its is too late. Let me tell you something. If you even believe that there is remotely any chance of fixing things, you should do it. Find someone who can physically help you and support your idea. Then do it. I can not bear to see someone in a position that they can not control. It is never too late. You can still fix this. I believe in you and so do others. Listen to us. You need to make this right.

Finght for your marriage, you have realised your mistake, now convince your husband. If you really love your husband and children then go that extra mile and try to make it work.

While in marriage , when times are tough, the tendency is always to think that the grass is greener on the other side until you get there. Convince your husband it's him you care for and how sorry you are for what happened.

Iv been married for 13 years and we got married young and I have to say this touched me i never cheated on my husband out of all these years its nothing out here, I love him and only him I hope it works out and maybe down the line you all can work it out, I'm glad I read this story reminds me of why I stay at home and don't stray.

Annie, I know just how you feel. Even though I was single, I had affairs with 2 married men.I had a child with each one. Even though it was over 40 years ago, I can't seem to get past it.Children are grown and with one there are 2 grandchildren. I feel so dirty, you would not believe. Never did I resent children. They're innocent. They have resented me often for it.Can't understand why I did it. What can I say? Son has located his father and half-siblings but is hesitant about meeting them. Daughter's father died years ago. She never got to meet him. Deserted us when she was 1. Son's father left before he was born.Never tried to contact or meet him. If you regret leaving , why do you stay with present man? Doesn't sound asif he compares to your ex. I hope that one day you and your children will find happinessand that they'll get beyond this. Do they get along with your boyfriend? As long asthey see that you care and have a good relationship together, that's what's important.

Please help me understand why its come to this. You chose your affair over your family but is that not working out now as you had hoped? has living with this other guy made you realise that he wasnt worth it or you werent in love with him? please help me as i was asked to leave my husband by my affair but chose my family and i have regrets staying...

Never have regrets staying with your husband and children. They are the reason you are who you are, remember that always. Life gets tough... Real tough sometimes but try to talk to each other, laugh or play silly games, tell jokes or riddles in bed like my husband and I use to do all those years ago. Never go to bed angry even if you can't stand the sight of him at the moment, crawl into bed hold him tight and then imagine that he isn't there and will never be there again... I'm willing to bet you will realize that whatever the argument is about, it's not worth loosing what you worked so hard to build... If that doesn't work, get up and check on your kids, watch them sleep peacefully secure in their beds, in their home in their own little worlds. You are the creator and protector of that world they live in, play in, learn in and will remember and Cherish for their entire lives... Then think of your children's future children and the influence your decisions will make on how they are raised. It's up to you and your husband to teach your children how to be good parents... Lead them there by example and show them that even during the most stressful of times, family ALWAYS comes first. Your grandchildren will thank you one day :-)

Wow.. I am a man of a woman who cheated and I am sitting here in tears from this post. I don't know you.. or your husband but I can relate to every part of your writing... I will pray for you and your family and hope you can have some sort of mending and healing... I too have a small son... and we have had separate houses for a while now.. in fact I don't even know if he remembers us living in the same house.... I am so sad for my marriage and all the pain each of us has caused.. BUT - Bad marriages take two people ... its really is never any one person's 'fault' - but to all the people out there thinking of an affair... please break up/separate/agree to open relationship...etc... FIRST before you start 'cheating' .... an affair NEVER is the right route... I wish you all the best ... thank you for your post....

Annie this is very heartbreaking. You've admitted to your mistakes and have regretted the choices that were made. So to that, I have to give you kudos because admitting failure is not easy and you've willingly done that and as well you've told your husband as much, so I'm proud of you for doing that!

But please Annie, do not give up! Otherwise the regrets you have now will only be compounded in the future. As I watched the Johnny Cash movie recently what continued to bother me was that he left his first wife for the country singer, so after the movie I googled his first wife to see what was written about her and I came across this article which I found very sad too: http://www.vcstar.com/news/2007/nov/18/they-walked-the-line/ Even the title Walk the Line was in reference to Vivian Cash when she asked Johnny if he was ever tempted by his female fans and he said "No, I walk the line for you" which later became a song. Even though she filed for divorce upon learning of his affair, she said she always regretted it until the day she died.

Please keep fighting for your marriage Annie. You're a smart girl so put the same effort and talents as you do in your career to restoring and rebuilding your marriage. Later on in life, wouldn't you rather have your kids know that mom and dad screwed up in years past but then they fixed things or would you have them remember than mom and dad made mistakes but then quit?

Never give up on your marriage. A great site to visit is Rejoice Marriage Ministries. My husband walked out on me for another woman after 35 years of marriage. I had no clue anything was wrong. We didn't argue or fight and when he first said he was leaving I actually laughed at him. That was 5 months ago. I still feel like my guts were ripped out. I had a breakdown, cut my stomach to pieces because the mental pain was to great to bear so I thought making it a physical pain would be easier to handle. This got me committed for a week at a Psychatric hospital. Sometimes like today I just want God to take me but I can't because I can't do this to my children. This ministry gives me some hope. I pray everyday my husband will come home not only to me but to The Lord. Please pray for my marriage and I will do the same for you.

I'm sorry to hear of your pain :( A marriage breakdown no matter the number of years feels like a death occurred. Hang in their sweetie and continue to go to Jesus daily for peace and comfort and reach out to friends to support you. Thanks for the advice to the website. I'm going to check it out for myself as I have my own battles to fight.

My prayers are with you and your children. Stay strong and go at your own pace. Weather he comes home or not you need to be able to trust and depend on your self... Set a good example for your children, reassure them all the time that this is not their fault... Love and spoil them and remember... You may not believe this now, but one day you will... You deserve to be happy. :-)

I can assure you it feels no better to be the man that was cheated on, I've been divorced for 2 years. I'm raising my daughter and son, I had to adopt my son since she had cheated during our marriage. I'm sure you feel it was the right thing at the right time, however I find it hard not to read this and feel angry for the man you left. Divorce hurts enough but to know that while everything seemed middle of the road "ok" your wife was running around (pardon my vulgarity) ******* some guy behind your back...Needless to say it required therapy for the children and me, however I hope she's happy. She's with the same guy she cheated with, if that's of any comfort

Lady, it doesn't take a scientist to figure out that you love him, and that he loves you. Marriage has it's complications, nobody said it was easy. It takes work. You're never going to get over him and you will never forgive yourself for not even trying to get him back. You have made a terrible mistake and many marriages fail because of something like this, but some do survive. This man is the love of your life and if there is even a slight chance that this could work out again, you would be an i**** not to take it. He loves you, he will never love Kelly or any other woman the way he loves you and she'll realize it soon enough.So please, please, if there is anything left, grab it, and make it work before you lose him completely. Just so you know...God has been known to make miracles happen..!I belive that it can work out, and if not, at least you tried, but don't walk away from this without trying, for you, for him and for your kids. Good Luck Annie..

This makes me sad. I don't know how to respond. I struggle in my marriage as well but I hate to see the pain that is inflicted on the innocent, as my wife represents the innocent in my situation. So sorry and I hope you recover, for your children's sake if for no other...

This post brought tears to my eyes. While my situation is different, I can honestly say that I can relate to how your feeling. My relationship of 12years ended recently and all I want is it back. I guess it took him leaving to realize that everything I ever needed or wanted was right there in front of me. It's hard, it hurts and I cry myself to sleep every evening. I too have too beautiful children but Im afraid that my inability to cope is getting in the way of making this easy for them. The one thing I can tell you is that if you love him don't stop telling him that. Let him know how your feeling and take responsibility for your mistakes but understand that it take to to build and two to break something. I am fighting like hell for my relationship right now. We both hope that with time apart we might be able to heal our wounds and continue with our fairy tale ending.

I believe that if he would want to come back you would reject him and find a new man! He's smart for being with another women! If we wasn't with someone else you would feel he was being needy and co-dependant and you would remain with whoever you had the affair with, if he is still around. It is a situation that exposes the selfish side of humans. The only thing making you write that you are sorry is Kelly! Either way you would not end up back together - too much damage has been done and the resentment would never deminish. Good luck to the kids! They will never forgive you truly - although they will say they do so you don't feel bad. They will tell you one day though.

I am actually very happy that he has Kelly and I do wish him all the luck in the world. I was incredibly selfish and naive and took everything I had for granted. He had a helping hand in the distraction of our marriage but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be happy, and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell knowing that I no longer am that woman. My apology was sincere please don't take as anything other than an apology, if I were trying to get him back he would know it. He understands what I feel and agrees that we would resent each other, throw the horrible things we've done to each other in faces and ultimately we'd be years down the line right where we are now only worse, the kids would be older, we wouldn't be able to come together and do right by them like we do now.... Jonathan and I attend therapy (private parenting therapy for autistic and behavior challenged children) for our son every other week (and our son doesn't come to these appointments). We are doing the best we can to put aside our conflicts for the kids... That is not selfish, it's the right thing to do.

You are doing the very best you can! Just going to therapy will help gain resepect and most importantly help your boys know that when things get hard it is sometimes worth the effort to stay together. I am bitter from my own situation mainly because I lose time around my kids. But she was not happy in our marriage and I'm happy for her that she left - even though life has not become easier for either of us - all the same stresses that drove us apart are still there. I know having kids with the issues yours have can split people apart and contribute to intitiating resentments. It's so awesome you both realize that and see it's likely harder apart. Your story made me cry and I wish my ex would write the same thing - we have a similar relationship as you and also go to couseling for co-parenting as well as have the kids in therapy so can vent. We have high energy twin boys which is exhausting in itself - makes it easy to let the relationship come second. Thanks for starting this post and I will work to emulate the realtionship you maintain with your ex.

You should show her what I have written here... The feelings come natural but the words take time to process and come out correctly. It took me 6 months to get to this letter and I wish I had written it sooner for just maybe we wouldn't be looking at the end of our marriage. Good luck

sounds like you still love him why else would you write about all this, you should get him back no one is perfect its in the same bible your marriage vows came out of an its true, you said somewhere you had a perfect family may be that was a mistake to think that. i mean when you got married did your really think you would last all that time an neither or you would mess up. I dont really know you both tho but i think to many people these days get divorced over nothing at the end of the day you are both there to serve your children. may be you should both stop pretending you are such wonderful people an work on getting over your weakness anyone who says they would never have an affair is totally lying or they dont realise what its like being tempted.

Wow... i feel your pain. Im sorry fir your loss & admire your courage for admitting your truth of being wrong. Im having an affair now & your story has given me much to think about. But my sons dad is alcoholic & verbally abusive. But it doesnt justify my bad behavior. I neva cheated in the 15 yrs weve been together until i met "A". ... ive got? For u if u could help me understand .... Does your partner now know how u feel? And when u were caughtdid he say he would walk away so u can maybe save ur marriage?

Your story made me cry. I've just come out of a relationship, No one else was involved (that I know of), I'm facing a future of uncertainty as a single parent to two beautiful boys. I will miss the closeness that we shared as a family but other than that I think it was for the best any love we shared was gone, I guess he kind of turned into my flat ate rather than my partner. I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you find happiness, it doesn't sound like your current or ex partners are going to give you what you need, I would suggest you cherish your kids and go it alone. Despite life experience to the contrary I think the love of my life is still out there somewhere though I've no interest in searching them out at this point in my life. good luck. X x

I agree with the post below about forgiving yourself and focusing on the now and the reasons you had the affair. When I first left my abusive husband to live with someone who treated me with love and respect, I experienced many of the regrets you described. The ending of a marriage whether it was good or bad is a loss that we grieve and feel many conflicting feelings about. Of course there are those warm wonderful moments always to be remembered and treasured. Doing so does not change the possibility that we need more or that we grew apart and our paths need to part. I wish you peace in you decision and good fortune on your new path and journey.

thank you for sharing your story, and im sorry for your pain. i hope that in time you will be able to forgive yourself and find peace in your decisions. i understand how you and your husband must have shared a special love, but to echo some of the comments posted by others here, there must have been something that convinced you that it wasn't enough in the first place, leading you to choose this other man over him. we all deserve a relationship that we know is the right one, just because your new one may not be that doesn't make the old one it by default. of course, i dont know you or your life so i dont know what your marriage is really like. if youd like to talk, please message me, im happy to listen. in the meantime, we all do make mistakes and while i dont know if the regret you feel now is because you made a huge mistake or because you are looking towards an uncertain future and are preferring to settle on, even romanticizing, the lesser of two unsatisfactions, i do know that we can all only do so much. relationships changes and everyones story has some happiness, some specialness in the beginning. try not to dwell on the dawn of your marriage, and try instead to focus on what led to your affair and then to your decision. ultimately, if you and your husband find your ways back to each other these issues will still be there. and if you don't, remember that as the reality of the relationship that you left and not some glossy memories of perfection.

if this was a fluke and you made an uncorrectable mistake there is no going back. focus on what you've learned, on what you want to teach your children, and on how you will take those lessons into the next relationship you will find. we are all only human and its often hard to navigate this world. pain exists for you to learn from, but there is a saturation point - surround yourself with friends, therapists?, people who will help guide you through this and allow you to feel the pain as needed (masking it all can be just as damaging) but won't let you lose yourself in it. i wish you and your family luck, and that you ultimately find peace in the decisions you made and happiness ahead.

i feel sorry for u and ur story made me sad ,i can imagine the pain and the loneliness within but i see a sense of hope ,try to talk to ur ex-husband ,tell him,how much u regret and that if only u could make things work,if not partners ,at least friends its not a fault to ask forgiveness,just ask and have faith .if u stilllove him which i feel is still the case ,fight for ur love ,fight for ur family.

I fully admit that in the beginning, I completely regretted getting caught, but now, that I've actually filed for divorce and I'm faced with the reality and consequences of my actions and I can step back and look at who we use to be and the monsters we've transformed into and how greatly our innocent children have been effected... I whole heartedly regret the day I even first felt like my marriage wasn't worth it. I regret not being more proactive in protecting it. My husband and I were, in the eyes of everyone around us "the perfect couple" no one could foresee this happening. All our friends were envious of our marriage (this has been told to both my husband and I on several occasions by friends and family, I'm not over exaggerating or gloating). Here lies the problem, we do not own a time machine to go back to when our love, commitment and dedication to our marriage was pure. And neither one of us is willing to trust the other again (it's been attempted over the last 6 months and every time we just hurt each other again) Example: he found some chick on Craigslist, was talking to her on line for about a week and finally met her in person. He introduced my daughter to her (which sent me literally spinning into supper protective-mega-*****-mom mode). My husband and I went to dinner to discuss a few things about the kids and I asked him if the next day he and I could do something fun with the kids... He told me he had plans at 10:00 in the morning but would be available in the afternoon. So I did what any wife would do... I left my kids at my mom's &amp; went shopping for the hottest, sexiest (not slutty), "eat your heart out" outfit I could find, did my hair and makeup and showed up at his parents house (where he is currently living) at 10:00am.His mother answered the door with a look I'll never forget. She asked me what I wanted and I simply screamed as loud as I could... "I want to talk to my husband! (This happened in the beginning of October so keep in mind, I just filed the divorce papers last week) To make a long story short I made a scene but he never came outside (he was too busy with his Craigslist *****). I went back to my mom's house (about 15 minutes away from his parents house and passed the floors until I worked myself up and had to go back to finish what I started. When I got there my husband answered the door (his Craigslist ***** was gone) . Stuffing his face with a jelly donut and had this oh-so satisfied grin from ear to ear. I asked (not that I needed to because I already knew the answer) "did you **** her?" His grin grew as he shook his head yes and I absolutely lost all control. I collapsed against the patio wall and was uncontrollably screaming, crying and trying to kick his ***. I walked back down the front walkway where I saw our 2007 Highlander Hybrid Limited Edition that we still owe on and pay $650.00 per month for that was a wedding present for me, with our personalized license plates that state "his initials" &lt;3 "my initials" And I took off my high heels and beat the **** out of the car and ripped the plates off.After the neighbors called the police, I figured my point had been made and left. And since it's legally my car also, he couldn't do a damn thing about it. Now, while it felt great at the time, I'm not proud of my behavior and hate who I've become during all of this. How could we hurt each other this much and how could we ever get past it. We both have changed and I do not know him anymore. I want to be the people we once were but much like growing up, you can never be a kid again no matter how hard you wish.

send your ex a copy of this post...... yes, it might be difficult to do with all the water under the bridge, but you did cause this..... in the worst case, he won't respond, but he will know from you that it was your fault and you're sorry.

I understand the problem you had with the age gap .What , at first seemed to be a non issue , would eventually end up as one. Love is love, and you don't think about what you might have to deal with later on.I can see that you have regrets, but you don't see that either , until you take a step that goes too far.As much as you might feel regrets about the path you have taken , i don't think that will cause you as much pain as staying . Like many others in your shoes , you would end up being your husbands carer , rather than his partner/wife.I wish you well .

If you love him so much, why do you not fight for it? I'm a strong personality as well and reading your story felt like reading my diary. But I believe that if you really want something it is never to late to try and get it. To me it is just amatter of how hard you are willing to work for it?

It may sound harsh, but too me it looks like you just like the idea of perfect life, which is not really what you had.But if I am wrong, then I do apologise and wish you all the best in getting your happiness back.

Whichever way is good for you, take it and do not look back. As there is always some sacrifice required along the way.

Even though we are both to blame for our marriage falling apart and we have done some seriously rotten things to each other over the last 6 months, and though I still love him and will always love him... I've finally come to realize that who I see when I stare at my husband is someone I don't know anymore, as I am to him. We have lied, manipulated, and way over stepped the boundaries and the trust that use to be there is nothing more than a memory. Some things just can't be fixed. Besides he has begun a new relationship with someone near his parents house. And though it truly hurts to the core of my soul, if he's happy with her, and if he truly believes after only meeting her 1 month ago that she can replace our 7 years of marriage, the two beautiful children we brought into this world and the woman he's loved since he was a Junior in High School (I was a sophomore) then really what would I honestly be trying trying to save? He is probably doing the right thing for us both, I miss the past, I long for the past... But the past is gone, mistakes can't be undone, and something's no matter what can't be forgotten. It is what it is.

There is no reason to explain your actions, we are not to judge you for what you did. I also feel a void in my life, and yes, I have had a lover, but I never wanted to give up that idea of living in my "home" My wife found out about my affair, we worked on things, and I came back home. It's been a couple years now, and we are slowly improving things. Doesn't mean I am still not tempted, or want to just end things, but we try to work on things now, where before, we ignored them and hoped they would go away.

You made a huge sacrifice, and probably at the time, you felt you were right. Now, looking back, I'm sure you have regret. Just remember, if you were to go back, it would be what you despertely wanted to get away from.

Yes, I did choose a man 30 years older than I am. I do not think feel or act like a typical 29 year old woman. I was finding that holding an intellectual conversation with my husband increasingly more difficult; he would talk about pop culture, movies and TV shows I'd never even heard of (I do not watch TV) and I would burry my face in a book or do some free style writing or some other form of project. I found it easy to find mutually interesting conversation topics with my affair partner. The knowlage I have surprised him and the fact that I not only know but also have a huge appreciation for music by the Beatles, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles, and other similar musical professionals astounded him. Now, don't get me wrong here, I can bust out with Flo Rida, Eminem or Lil Wayne just the same as the next California Blond in a convertible but if you had just met me, you'd NEVER guess my mind operates as it does. I would have to say though above everything else my professional goals and work ethics would be the biggest issue within my marriage. My dedication to my career is probably the only aspect in my life that has remained consistent through out the years. I am, without a doubt a success driven workaholic. I must be the best of the best and I must advance through my company. I need to be needed, so with any job I've had I always absorb as much information, Knowlage and experience in not just my position but also of those above me. I voulenteer to lead new projects, I am not shy when it comes to voicing my oppinion about what works and what doesn't work within the company, I bring new idea's to the table constantly that are so different and usually work out better than antisipated that eventually I find I've got everyone wrapped around my finger. My General Manager and I would spend hours creating new campaigns and advertising approaches to reach out to a previously unabtainable marketing group. Needless to say this is how our affair began. Oh, did I fail to mention that my affair partner isn't just a co-worker or even a department manager but the General Manager of a multi-million dollar a year industry??? Prime example of how I "go big or I go home". While I want nothing more than to be professionally successful (and no, not by sleeping my way to the top for those readers that make assumptions and pass judgement without knowing me) my husband is more than content with letting his college degrees (yes, as in multipal degrees) go unapplied and vertually useless. He had no problem working graveyard 3 days a week and being the stay at home parent and Susie Homemaker... He was an excellent housewife, but had a tendency to just let the kids watch TV all day and run amuck throughout our apartment with minimal interaction with the outside world. This drove me insane.... I'm not sure if I was jealous that he lived this lifestyle or if I felt like the only adult in the house or if I resented him for being the one home with the privilage of watching my babies grow up and to be the one to experience all their "firsts" (laughs, words, steps, etc) but not really appreciating it the way I felt he should.... Or a combination of all these things. I thought I was miserable in my life, I thought I was missing something or that I had more potential out of life than this and it seemed like a huge deal then and now, now I would give anything for a time machine so that I could go back snd appreciate everything I took forgranted. Currently my children are with me 80% of the time and spend 20% of the time with their father whom up and left (taking my children with him) on my birthday this past June to go move back to his parents house about 2 hours away from where our home was. But at least he called me at work to let me know that for my 29th birthday he was giving me the gift of abandonment. My husband had found out about the affairs 1 or 2 days earlier but decided to wait until 4:00pm on (Monday) knowing that I would be the only one in my department (as is the case with every monday after 4:00pm) and by that point and would be unable to leave. Not that it would have mattered if I could, he was already 1/2 way to his parents with my children and all of their personal belongings in our family SUV. It's been just over 6 months since that day and I have just finally filed for divorce last week. I filed for full physical custody of my children (both of which are under 5 years old) with visitation rights for their father based on the current informal parenting plan we currently have in place. The kids are having a tough time adjusting to everything but I have completely changed my prioorities to place my children at number 1, 2, 3 and 4...and now work sits far below them.

Your story has touched me deeply!!! I wish you nothing but finding some peace in your life.Being divorced, and seeing my kids leave for "the other house" always made my heart sink. The family was no more!! Best of luck, and thank you for sharing...

Tears couldn't stop flowing. Next week is my one year anniversary with my affair partner. The only solace is knowing now that these feelings of deep regret and sadness is universal. I hope things get better for both of us x

This is deep as your poems Annie. It takes time to heal. Going thought what you are going this tough.But always remember that your kids are your kids and be their for them. Some times people fight to save their marriages.And other time they don't But we all live one day at a time. You may find peace in a year or maybe 20 years. But the pain is always with us. Be Strong Lady Annie

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"Insecurity is the worst sense that lovers feel: sometimes the most humdrum desireless marriage seems better. Insecurity twists meanings and poisons trust. In a closely beleaguered city every sentry is a potential traitor."
Graham Greene, The End of the Affair