This week on The Bachelorette, ABC is endowing us with a monstrous debris of our time The Men Tell All, and I for one cannot wait to watch Jason and Colton try and out-cry each other for the next two hours of “peoples lives”. Kidding! I feel I’d instead bathe in bleach. But, alas, we can’t all get what we want in this life. That said, you betches are in for a real treat because this week I’m watching The Bachelorette with love faves Jordan Kimball and John Graham from Becca’s season AND Derek Peth. And don’t you worry–just because they’re sitting down the same room as me does not mean I’m not going to quietly rend them to shreds for the next 120 minutes. So, shall we get started?

Chris Harrison starts off the night by questioning the hard questions: Will Becca find love? If by “love” he means a serviceman whose mother still rocks him to sleep at night or a homophobic racist, then, yes, I’m sure she will find love. Mazel tov!

Chris starts fetching out “the mens” from Becca’s season, and it’s like going through my textbook after a v vigorous happy hour–I literally have no idea what’s happening on my screen. I can’t wait for Chris Harrison to try and twisting drama out of these good-for-nothing burger humen.

Oh STFU Jason. He’s like “it’s so stressful being here you precisely black out sometimes.” I entail, is this something I tell my boss when she confronts me about acting too “inappropriate” at our company happy hour? Yes. But that’s neither here nor there.

This is rich. Connor asks Chris how he can merely “lose his mind” on the reveal as he wears a paisley blazer and beige slip ons and thinks good-for-nothing of it. K. We all know those glass aren’t prescription either, Connor!( Likewise he literally get mad over a representation and shed it into a consortium, lest we forget .)

They’re all ganging up on Jean-Blanc and I genuinely forgot that he was even on this testify. Remember when he was the most difficult guy there because he was creepy and always trying to pimp out his cologne on Becca? Even though there was a literal copulation sinner who remained various chapters longer?* rustles* Simpler times.

WHY DO THESE MEN KEEP USING THE WORD DISINGENUOUS? Like, they must have said it 10 times at this place. They keep using this words and I do not think it means what they think it means…

Interesting. I didn’t recollect Colton and Jordan would get into it tonight, but then again, one of them is willing to sell his chastity to ABC’s highest bidder and the other is Jordan. So, it obliges sense.

COLTON : I’m not saying you weren’t a sweetie, I’m just saying you’re not gonna get married in golden underwear.

First of all, Colton, those are fighting paroles. Second of all, they were all simply in Vegas! You KNOW beings get married in golden underwear there, like, all the time.

Ah, yes. The Chicken gongs in. I was waiting for him to comprehend for those working three more seconds of honour. Jordan is like, “the worst thing you can ever say about a woman is that you’re settling, so I never said that. I simply heavily implied that boys with ass like mine do not talk to daughters with faces like hers.”

Sidenote: is anyone else noticing Wills’ provoking footwear rn? I feel like he got those loots from the Nordstrom anniversary auction and I’ve never adored him more. YOU DO YOU, BOO BOO.

Wait, who is this guy wearing leggings from the Macy’s junior part trying to attack Jordan rn?

ME : Jordan, have you ever been in a fight in your entire life though? JORDAN: Yes, I have. Formerly. When I was 12 years old.

Sure, Jan.

Chris Harrison calls Jordan to the hot seat and we get to see a look back at all the memes he inspired his best instants. Honestly, thank god he made it as much as is he did because otherwise I would have set fire to ABC studios long ago.

Lololol Jordan exactly afforded the Gretchen Weiners of all defenses to the people who didn’t like him on the show

JORDAN : I’m sorry you didn’t like me but I won’t apologize for being confident and my wholly genuine self.ALSO JORDAN :

Tbh it’s one of best available motivational lectures I’ve heard in a while.

Chris Harrison requests the men why they belief Jordan is so annoying and David, the person who is schedules “chicken” in his occupation bio, is like “well he wasn’t very serious about the whole process.” K.

JOE THE GROCER. IS. HERE. OMG. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE.

CHRIS HARRISON: How was all 5 minutes of your time on The Bachelorette? JOE : Pretty bad.ME : You’re extremely pure for this earth.

JOE: * breathes* ALL OF BACHELOR NATION: I would die for you.

Okay, what are these tweets Chris is drawing up about Grocery Joe? They each have, like, two likes. Are you really telling me that this is the best that underpaid ABC intern could do?

DEREK : * looks at Joe* He’s so cute, like a baby bird. I want to feed him with a dropper.

Truer texts, Derek. Truer words.

LOL. I love that Chris Harrison can’t get any personal details out of Joe. It moves me like him much better. He’s like “Idk what to say, there’s cameras around and I don’t even know you.”

CHRIS HARRISON :

Okay, Joe, you became all the way to Paradise and all you can tell us is “it’s complicated” with your relationship status? Are you kidding me? I need to know if it’s chill to slide into his DMs he detects love in Paradise or not!

They call Wills into the hot seat, and I don’t know if I can watch his montage without going into a blind violence at Becca breaking down. It’s like I’m he’s going dropped all over again. Oh my god he’s hollering !!!

Chris is like “I feel like you connected on a different level with Becca than she did with the rest of the men.” Interesting choice of words, Chris. If by “different” he symbolizes on a level deeper than “hot and contractually obligated to show me tendernes for 6 weeks” then, yes, I guess their relationship was a bit different.

God, Wills is such a goddamn gentleman. Even the channel he’s talking about Becca rn post-breakup is sooo stand-up.

WILLS: * mumbles* ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:

Colton’s next to sit in the hot seat, and I’m not sure I can sit through another tearful admission about his virginity. Likewise, WHAT is that bedazzled blazer he’s wearing rn? It’s abhorrent. Like, is Cary Fetman styling him very ??

HAHA Chris impedes expecting what his relationship with Tia was and he’s like “well I wouldn’t call it a’ relationship.’’ What would you call it, Colton? Just the tip? And they say courtesy is dead, ladies!

Okay, I can’t with Colton right now and all his fake tears. He simply declared on national television that he’s never seen a woman’s vagina and I’m not buying it for one effing second. You were a PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER and not one daughter sent you a nude DM? Please. He’s trying sooo difficult to recreate the Sean Lowe Bachelor magic and it’s pain to watch.

Last but not least, Jason takes the electric chair. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be less about him and Becca and more about him applying this 10 -1 5 time opening to campaign to be the next Bachelor?

JASON : You guys are so sweet–it’s been a wild move! ME :

Chris is like “what is it about what you merely heard on this screen that brought you to snaps more than when Becca actually dumped you? ” Well, I’m pretty sure that’s from the onions yield were strenuously cutting in front of his face backstage prior to this taping, but you tell your truth, J!

They produce Becca out and she is doing an unbelievably good responsibility of prompting every single one of these men why they’re better off. Becca, you’re supposed to show up to this public cook of all 30 of your exes ogling so good that there is a desire to they were dead!

I mean, what are those bedazzled half bands she’s wearing? They say the bigger the band, the bigger the hoe, but those bands are saying she might let you get at second base but only with the lighters turned off.

Omg WHY is Jason talking to Becca like he’s going through an employee evaluation?

JASON: Moving forwards, “whats being” I do to improve so that I can grow the next Bachelor better myself for my next relationship?

Chris asks Becca about the Tia situation and she’s like, “you know I’m still friends with her because I’m contractually obligated to be.” Ah, the true bonds of friendship. I potted she craves Tia to find love about as much as I require my ex to not succumb in a fiery vehicle disintegrate, but okay.

How many times are Chris Harrison and Becca going to say “this group of guys was so great” and then pointedly not discuss Lincoln?

Chris Harrison asks the men if they have any last words feel personally was well received by Becca AND JEAN-BLANC FUCKING RAISES HIS HAND. Stop. This is so uncomfortable. I’m dying.

^^ an actual reenactment of what just happened on my screen

Oh of COURSE he’s applying this five extra seconds of screen is now time to pimp out another cologne. Take your cologne and your ruined dreaming elsewhere, Jean!

Wait what is this apology? Chris doesn’t is talking about entire occurrence and then comes out at the end with an elaborate confession sung by a faith choir? But why?

Well that wraps up another stimulating episode from this season! So in the end, “the mens” did not tell all. They told almost nothing, and feigned like they were going to fight one another, as if we accepted a humankind in suit capris would ever perforate a husband with perfectly coiffed fuzz. And the countdown to the climax begins!