Slavery to be reinstated in Britain

The Conservative-Liberal Coalition has decided to reinstate slavery into the UK but with stringent strings attached.

"Basically, we're not going to have a return to the good old days," said David Cameron, who will be putting Michael Portillo in charge of slavery. "I mean bad old days. Of course I did. Anybody got a pasty?"

People are only allowed to own slaves for a single twenty-four period, and only if they are caught breaking into the slave owner's property.

"To put it simply," said Cameron. "If you catch somebody breaking into your property and attempting to do away with your possessions, you will be legally allowed to keep them as a slave for a whole day."

It had been debated as to whether or not this time frame should be longer, like a week. Or the rest of the burglar's natural life, and that of any children they should sire.

"But then you get into those murky legal waters," said Cameron, "such as feeding them, and putting them up."

For this reason, a single day has been allocated.

"This means that they'll be less pressure on the prison system," said Cameron, "and the people who were going to be burgled, will instead have somebody to wash the car, feed the lawn and mow the cat."

Critics of the plan have asked what happens if a group of burglars are caught breaking into a property, or if the property is co-owned.

"There will be limited trading of slaves," said Cameron. "For those people with a surfeit, they can go to the slave trading page on Direct Gov, and find somebody who needs a slave for a day. Where there is co-owner ship, such as a block of flats, then the slave will be owned by each co-owner in turn for one day. This is extra incentive not to burgle a block of flats."

Naturally, burglars are not looking forward to the new scheme.

"I already have to work Christmas and New Year's Day to feed my habit," said one burglar who had a knife, and so was not asked his name. "I don't want to be doing that for somebody else. Now, give us your wallet."

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