Yeah. Like here we are in our lab coats and tuques, working on equations and chemicals and stuff.

Bob

The tuques are in case we get do some cryogenic experiments.

Doug

Cryogenic?

Bob

Yeah, like with frozen nitrogen and stuff.

Doug

Where are we getting frozen nitrogen from?

Bob

Well, the deep freeze is there next to the beer fridge.

Doug

Oh yeah. Beauty, I didn't notice it, eh!

Bob

Yeah, usually cause the beer fridge door is open.

Doug

Okay, and over on the right side...

Bob

Left.

Doug

Wha?

Bob

It's on our right, but if the readers could actually see us they'd see it on the left.

Doug

Oh. Right.

Bob

No, left.

Doug

Take off! Okay. Um. So over on the left side of the garage... uh, lab, is our chalkboard.

Bob

We got it when the high school switched to dry erase markers.

Doug

Yeah. Every lab needs a chalkboard. So anyway, I'm Professor Doug, and this is my assistant, Bob.

Bob

Hold on, hold on! Why do I gotta be the assistant?!

Doug

Cause I'm older, and therefore would have had a Ph.D. before you did.

Bob

Yeah, cause it's likely we coulda both had Ph.Ds by now.

Doug

Remember kids, stay in school, cause if you can get smart enough to become a university professor, you can trick your students into buying your beer and stuff.

Bob

Beauty. So let's show our readers our inventions.

Doug

Okay. Since gas is so expensive we've been looking for alternative fuel sources. So look over on our chalkboard here. (he walks over to it and flips it over) Okay. Here's gasoline, right? And like right now it's $1.30 per litre. But now look at the price of beer: you can get a case for $26.40 but each bottle has a 10¢ deposit on it right so it costs $24 for a case and since a case has 24 beers in it that means each beer costs $1 and since each one is 341 millilitres you work it out on the calculator and... whew, that was a lot to say, now I'm tired out. You finish.

Bob

Hoser. (takes a nearby calculator) Uh. Wow. $2.93 per litre for beer.

Doug

Yeah, that's more expensive than gas so we think that alcohol-based fuels like ethanol aren't the way to go. And remember, we're experts on alcohol-based fuels.

Bob

Yeah, everyone says so. So what other fuel sources are there?

Doug

Uh. Diesel. Biodiesel!

Bob

Yeah, beauty. You can take cooking oil and stuff and add weird chemicals and make fuel that works just like diesel!

Doug

Too bad no one told us if you put it in a gasoline engine weird smoke comes out.

Bob

Yeah, it's gonna be a while before we can get the van back on the road.

Doug

And since no one drives diesel cars except people who work at Volkswagen dealerships, we can scratch that idea too.

Bob

So what else is there?

Doug

Hydrogen, of course. It's the most common chemical in the universe so there's lots of it.

Bob

But it explodes.

Doug

Yeah, but so does gas. Speaking of which, remember those beans we had for dinner?

Bob

Uh, yeah?

SFX

Farting noises

Bob

Aw! You farted!

Doug

SNORK! Hey, wait a minute!

Bob

Yeah! Wait a day or two before we can get back in the garage... I mean our lab! (he gets up to leave, and pulls his undershirt over his nose)

Doug

No wait, come back! I just got an idea!

Bob

I got an idea, too. I'm gonna install a fume hood in this place, and make you live under it!

Doug

Well then I'd just gas our neighbours instead. But I got a better idea.

Bob

Geez. (emerges from behind his shirt) What's that?

Doug

Well farts are flammable, right?

Bob

Yeah, we proved that when we were like 14 years old.

Doug

So, what if everyone just ate lots of beans and other gassy foods and farted in their gas tanks?

Bob

Wha? Oh yeah! That's a beauty idea!

Doug

Just like all my other ideas.

Bob

Yeah, right. So now we've solved the world's energy crisis, and just in time cause we're out of space.

Doug

Okay. Good day, and join us next time to see how our new inventions will change the world and bring the future to you, or something.

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out next month, so even though we're not in it much, take back your empties so you can afford to buy all of them, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.