how to complain with class

I am reading a book called How to Walk in High Heels (by Camilla Morton), the book is hilarious and full of “useful” tips on everything, I am going to post few of those tips every now and again and this is the first one.

There are some people who are never satisfied and who kick off at every opportunity. Then there are those who are silent as a stealth-bomber but when they blow -wow- they really lose their rag.

Always try to be the latter, if you cry wolf too often people won’t listen to you when there’s a real emergency.

first stop, count to ten. Do you have grounds for complaint? Be very friendly, present the problem and ask what they can do to assist you. You don’t want to alienate your target, get them to empathise.

Always complain in a slow, low voice. If you start in a screech you will have nothing to crescendo up to.

Always aim to have a captive audience, evidence, a witness and an alibi, and a packet of tissues for any dramatic eye dabbing.

They should immediately seize the offending garment or dish (if in a restaurant) and offer you a full and immediate refund or replacement.

Remember: never get too irate and don’t lose sight of the fact that YOU are the victim.

Never throw food over the waiter – you lose the evidence and it weakens your case.

Always get the name of the idiot who is not assisting you, and assure them you will contact their boss. Promise also to contact the press, do an expose, call the police, lawyers, TV….etc your voice could perhapse waver at this point.

If all else fails, get your coat and entourage and LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Never back down, or apologise if they are in the wrong (don’t apologise even if you are in the wrong – this is my own personal addition- or you risk looking very stupid after you did all of the above).

Don’t look over your shoulder. You can make counter-attacks via phone/letter from the safety and comfort of your home, with the advantage of time, clarity and distance on your side.

4 responses to “how to complain with class”

Interesting. If we’re talking about restaurants, I rarely complain. If it’s bad service, I have a chat with the manager, smile, and suggest that the server get some extra training. And I stiff him the tip. If it’s REALLY bad, I don’t go back. But I never make a scene. Scenes aren’t really my thing.

If we’re talking about hospitals, I always smile and joke with the staff, even if I’m seriously injured or just in for routine repair. I get a lot better service that way. They remember the smiling alien in room 317.

John Dillinger said, “You get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word alone.” That’s my motto. But usually I only need to use the kind word.