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2011 Census

Canada’s 2011 Census is making the rounds. Apparently it’s the law to fill the sucker out so I did my duty. For some reason I expected more from the census. It is “a way of acquiring and recording information about members of a population” after all. So I thought it’d be a more profound series of questions. Not so. It mostly asked me a million questions about my marital status. It went something like this:

C: What is your marital status?

A: Never legally married.

C: How many people live in your household?

A: One.

C: Are you sure you live all alone?

A: Yes.

C: And tonight when you go to bed, there will be no one there?

A: You got it.

C: You do realize that this census will be made public to your relations in 90 years. Change your status to married now or forever hold your peace.

A: I’ll hold it.

C: Bold move. Do you have any pocks, scars or deformities that have led to you being without a mate?

A: No.

C: So you’re a bitch and no one will have you?

A: No. Actually I’m kinda nice.

C: Well then your standards are too high. In order for the population to grow, the Canadian Government suggests you lower your standards and give birth to some offspring (2 is a good number).

A: “Nothing but the deepest love could induce me into matrimony.”

C: You’ve read too much Jane Austen.

A: She rocks, doesn’t she?

If the information in the census is all that society will have to remember me by, I hope Canadians will be advanced enough in their thinking to come to the conclusion that the census tells them a big fat nothing.