80+ questions to go through while you are dating

In my talk on dating I tell people that there is so much more to dating then just going out to a movie. There is a ton of stuff to learn about each other as you decide whether this person is a compatible partner for you as you begin to look towards your future … and marriage. This is a list of about 80+ questions that I think you should go through before you get married. Now please do not go out and start asking these questions on the first date. I had someone email me after one of my dating talks. On the way home from the conference he went to my website and found the questions below which are also on my website. He then turned to his brand new girlfriend and randomly pointed at one of the questions to ask her. It was a really tough question

“Is there anything in your past that I should be aware of?”

I had warned people not to just randomly ask questions because you do not know what you will get as an answer. He told me he pestered (his word) his girlfriend for 30 minutes on the bus ride to answer. She finally got angry and looked at him and said “You want to really know?” Her boyfriend smiling said “Yes”. Her response ” I was sexually abused by my uncle for many years growing up.” Probably not the answer he was looking for. This opened up a ton of conversations for them and a few months later I heard they were doing well.

As you start dating someone these are some great questions to guide you as you learn about each other. You can also just google “questions for dating couples” and find 1000’s more.

If you have any other questions you think should be added to my list please let me know. Enjoy!

Money
What are your future financial goals?
How will you achieve those goals?
What kinds of debt do you have presently? Credit Cards/ Lines of Credit? School?
What kind of investments do you have?
What problems do you see in your partner in how they deal with money?
Will you move into a house? If so how will you pay for that?
Do you tithe? How much? To who do you give your money?
Do you also give any offerings when you feel led to give?
Do you pay credit cards off at the end of each month?
Who will pay the bills? Handle the money?
Are you going to pool your money or lead separate financial lives?
What is your attitude with borrowing money to buy things before you actually have the money?
Will you have a large wedding or will you use that money for a large down payment?
What questions do you have about money after this conversation?

Sex
What behaviour is appropriate for those who are going to practice sexual abstinence before marriage?
Will you get tested for S.T.D’s (S.T.I’s) together?
How do you presently feel about sex? Scared? Frustrated? Ready to Go?
Have you ever had any negative sexual experiences? Abuse? Rape? Former partner?
How important is sex on your honeymoon night?
Where do you lack information dealing with sex?
Can you talk freely about sex?
What questions do you have about sex after this conversation?

Religious Background
Will you go to church as a couple? If so which one?
How were you brought up? In the church? Fringe church? Non-Practicing Christian?
Are you a non-practicing Christian?
What is your parent’s religious background now?
What place does religion play in your life? Does your life reflect your answer?
What is the religious background of your boyfriend or girlfriend?
What are the differences in your beliefs?
How important do you think your faith will play in your future? Marriage?
Do you want a church wedding?
Do you want a Christian Marriage? Do you even know what this is?
Do you think it is important for you to go to church as a family? When you have children?
What are the differences in your beliefs?
Do you presently pray for each other? Together?
What questions do you have about religious background after this conversation?

Dating
When did you begin dating?
How many people have you seriously dated?
What does dating even mean to you?
If you have dated before how did your relationships break-up? Why did they fall apart?
What were the strong points in those relationships?
What were the weaknesses or conflicts in those relationships?
Is there anything in your past your boyfriend or girlfriend should be away of?
If your past boyfriend or girlfriend listed your negative qualities, what would they say?
What questions do you have about dating do you have after this conversation?

Family Background
Was your family ever divorced, separated, widowed?
Are your parents still alive?
How was your parent’s marriage? Happy? Rocky? Abusive?
How is your relationship with your mother and father?
What was your childhood like?
What are your parent’s opinions on who you are dating?
What are some family traditions that might affect your relationship later in life? Week
long Christian get-togethers? Vacations? Cottage?
What questions do you have about family background after this conversation?

Children
Do you want any? 1? 2? 5?
How long will you wait?
Will someone stay home with the kids or will they be in daycare? If someone will stay
home – who?
If you want kids but are unable to, what will you do?
What are your feelings about adoption? Medical testing? In-vitro fertilizations?
How much should the man be involved in raising the children?
What kind of home do you want your children growing up in? Values? Rules?
What do you think your children will teach you?
What questions do you have about children after this conversation?

Professional Goals
What will you do?
Where will you live?
What comes with the job you have chosen? Travel?
What is one person’s job wants them to move but yours does not?
Consistent salary or commission?
What questions do you have about professional goals after this conversation?

Personal Growth
What books have you read lately?
What are your strengths, weaknesses?
What strengths could you be working more on?
What courses or seminars have you attended last year? Why?
What questions do you have about Personal Growth after this conversation?

Personal Health
What are your thoughts about each other’s physical health?
What first attracted you to each other?
Do you exercise regularly?
What exercise do you like to do together? Separately?
What turns you off sexually about the other person?
How do you feel about alcohol?
How do you feel about smoking?
What questions do you have about Personal Health after this conversation?

brett ullman

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating and media. Brett's seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with our modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage tough conversations in our society today.

Thank you for this outline. After 10 years in a turbulant relationship. I am now taking the time to learn about myself and what I want from/in a new relationship. Although I am not looking right now, this article made me think about my future with another.