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December 08, 2011

Plan B

A guest post by my sweet friend, Renee Dreher, about the struggle of infertility, the decision to adopt and how sometimes the plans before us aren't always what we thought they'd be- they can be even better! Thanks for sharing your heart with us, Renee! -Megan

We did not start off our family plan wanting to adopt. We went the traditional route because that was our plan. Adoption was on our radar, we had several friends who had adopted but we thought that we would consider doing that later. We would adopt an older kid after we were done having kids of our own. (See how out of the adoption loop I was since I hadn’t been educated on all the nuances of adoption language.)

However, it was not going to be easy for us. I have friends who can plan a vacation and know that they will conceive on that trip. It took us four years to become pregnant with our son. He is amazing and truly a gift from God. We started trying again when he was 6 months old. He just turned 5. We did not truly realize what a gift he was until our testing was done. Infertility is the most humiliating and disheartening experience anyone can go through. We both tested infertile. We had always assumed it was just me since I had had problems since I was a teenager. The day I found out I cried, but my heart was already changing. I cried not because of the bad news but because I realized then what a gift my son was. There is almost no reason for us to have him, but he is here. For that, I am grateful.

I know that there are people in the adoption world who say that adoption is never plan b. While I believe that that is true for God, it belittles the struggle to conceive for many. I would hear constantly that so and so was pregnant and they were not even trying. I was always genuinely happy for them but it stung a little as well. I would always wonder why them and not me? I was trying so hard and doing all that I could, what more did I need to do?

It was not my plan. I had planned to get married sometime during grad school and have kids sometime during or immediately following so I wouldn’t interrupt my great career. Then I met my husband and we got married two weeks after graduation for me. I did not go to grad school. I followed him to Kentucky. I did finally go back to school, but for a second BS and graduated in 2009. My husband was looking for a job and interviewing all over the country. I too was looking for a job and one perfect for my husband popped into my job search. It was the only local company he interviewed with and was the perfect offer. Why am I going into this? Because the week after he accepted his new position someone introduced me to Megan’s blog. She was going to the same church and even co-taught the high school Sunday school class with my husband but we had never met or spoken. This was November 2009.

I started reading and was really feeling myself pulled towards adoption, but I was not ready to give up my plan yet. We decided to do one round of treatment. We knew that this would be successful. I was one of the lucky ones and stepped out in faith and went on the MRG retreat. I found the most amazing group to belong to. After the retreat was our final try. I was already worrying that if I had twins, I might not be able to adopt. It did not work. Our plan was not going to be. We both needed time. I needed to grieve, he needed to grieve. We wanted to adopt but it is a total change of heart.

We had already planned that if this round failed we were done and moving to adoption. We needed time. We thought we would start in the spring of 2012. That would give us the time to pay off some more debt and be ready. We started researching countries and agencies, and by we, I mean me. I will say that I have the best husband in the world. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, takes care of the outside, and lets me sleep in on the weekends. He has always been on board with the adoption. I have not had to convince him that this is what we are supposed to do. He is the one that pushed up our timeline. So we started saving in May of 2011. We signed with our agency in October and are in the process of our home study. I know that adoption did not start out as our plan A but it is our plan A now. I know that I am not adopting because I was infertile. I am infertile because my child(ren) are out there waiting to be adopted. This is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I just couldn’t get there without the struggle.

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