Oh, for fuck's sake: Jennifer Garner will play the new Miss Marple

Remember when we first announced that Disney was planning on updating Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple—her celebration of the “old maid,” and a tribute to the inherent wisdom of age—as a more contemporary lady detective in her 30s or 40s? Remember that more innocent time of barely 24 hours ago, when it was still just a rumor, and one could imagine that the preemptive backlash from Miss Marple’s (primarily older) fanbase—as well as people who actually read, and therefore understand that taking away a character’s one defining characteristic means it’s not that character anymore—could possibly shame Disney into scrapping those plans? Treasure those moments, because today it’s been announced that the film is being shaped as a star vehicle for Jennifer Garner. We eagerly await the follow-up news that, instead of being a tea-and-crumpets-eating, passively knitting spinster who solves crimes in between her gardening, Miss M.A.R.P.L.E. (Martial Arts/Recondite Programs and Liaisons Expert) is now an ass-kicking secret ops agent for the CIA who just happens to have a passion for silly, old-fashioned hats.