21 things you notice when you’re off sick…..

You think all this bed rest is going to be quite the nice little treat. You can watch all the boxsets, read all the books you’ve been meaning to for ages but the cold, brutal reality is you spend the majority of the day flicking through social media and watching Escape to the Country.

You’re convinced the drugs will make you sleep and they’re great. They don’t. They’re not. They send you crazy and turn you into possibly the most bad tempered evil bitch you’ve ever been. Which the rest of the family just LOVE.

You flick through magazines aimlessly, with precisely zero concentration until the joyous moment you come across a perfume sample. You immediately put on said sample so at least while you look like a hideous bed monster you smell like an actual supermodel.

You have chicken soup for lunch on the first day because it’s what your Mum used to make when you were off sick from school as a kid. And my God, it’s still so good.

You watch the squirrels in the trees from your window and start imagining what their daily life entails. At one dark point you start talking to them, before realising you’re nuttier than their entire winter haul and get back to reading the magazines quick sharp.

You realise, whilst reading these magazines, you have absolutely no idea, and equally no interest, in either who the hecky peck these people are in OK Magazine or why they’re showing you round their house. But their kitchen units are quite nice.

You start googling kitchen units and redesigning your own kitchen. That housewife in Cheshire and Laura off the property programme would definitely approve.

You online shop. If my husband is reading this, you receive it all and promptly send it all back.

You listen to music to try and chill out. You’re momentarily lifted by a Del Amitri song (remember them?!) that you’d forgotten how much you loved but it spirals into listening to Phil Collins and you realise you are not living another day in blinking paradise thanks Phil.

You realise how many utterly wonderful friends you have and how kind people can truly be. Magazines, gifts of soup, squash, iTunes vouchers, candles, notepads, chocolates that you can’t eat yet, (and you need to hide before the hubby gets his paws on them*) a puzzle book, (see number 11) more flowers than you have vases. I’m all about that hashtag “feeling blessed” this week.

You sit and do a puzzle book for the first time since you were a kid. Man, I am good at Arrow-words.

You take daily selfies to try and convince yourself that you are getting better and aren’t quite as likely to scare small children if you risk leaving the house.

You do leave the house after a few days because you are GOING STIR CRAZY and regret it almost immediately.

You realise you haven’t been this tired since you had a small baby and thank the lord indeed for this small baby being now not so small and big enough to give Mummy a cuddle when she needs it most.

You watch the leaves falling outside and hate them a bit for messing up your garden. And for getting rid of the summer. Autumn? Humbug.

You are aware that everyone has said “please just ask if you need anything” but you still feel guilty even asking for a glass of squash.

You put on your Apple watch and realise you’re nowhere near your 10,000 step target, more like just 10. In total. For the day. *sigh* *removes watch immediately*

You realise that having to eat soft food isn’t as exciting as chicken soup for the soul and Mr Whippy ice cream all day. It’s dull. All you really want is a massive steak and chips. Your husband makes garlic bread with dinner and you sit for approximately 10 minutes sucking at it like a frustrated toddler. Futile.

You take raspberry jelly and all your drugs to bed with you at 8pm and wonder just when did your life become so rock and roll?

You are asked very nicely by your six year old son if you could keep your face like that forever because “it’s a sick Halloween costume Mummy, but I still love you even when you’re ugly.” Thank you my darling.

You are eternally grateful for a job you can do whilst lying in bed looking like a absolute monster. Still smelling like a supermodel though. Thanks Mon Geurlain.

These are purely my findings from a week of “enforced relaxation” after having emergency dental surgery following a teeny little impromptu meeting my face had with a marble worktop after I fainted. I am very happy to say I am almost back in the land of the living and even had a coffee to celebrate this fact today. See you next week for “normal” ramblings coffee lovers! x

*update – I have checked said chocolates and I am sorry to say they have indeed been liberated by said husband. Sad face.