A hopeless criminal is sentenced to die in the electric chair. They give him one last phone call so in desperation he calls his lawyer for some advice. Says the barrister, "Don't sit down."

A lawyer opens the driver side door to get out of his BMW when suddenly a car comes racing along and rips his door completely off the hinges sending it flying down the street. The policeman arrives on the scene to survey the situation and hears the lawyer whining and kvetching , "Look what's happened to my precious BMW!" The officer shakes his head, "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers. Man oh man. You make me sick! Don't you even notice that your left arm has been completely severed and is down the street somewhere with the door?" "Holy Crap!" replies the lawyer glancing at his stump, "Where's my precious Rolex?!?"

A lawyer finishes up a consultation with a client, an elderly almost completely blind grieving widow. He asks for a $100 fee for which she reaches into her purse and hands him a $100 bill. He accepts it but as she's nearing the door, he notices she inadvertently has another $100 bill stuck to it. The lawyer's considerable legal acumen is now tested with this critical ethical dilemma:
Should he tell his partner?

Lawyer: Your honor. I now wish to file an appeal on behalf of my client in light of some newly discovered evidence.
Judge: And just what is the nature of this new evidence, may I ask?
Lawyer: After more research, I have discovered that my client still has $500 left.

The devil seeks out a young lawyer at a bar association meeting. His appeal is directed towards the lawyer's ambition. "Listen," he says, "If you give me your soul and the souls of everyone in your immediate family including your wife and children, I will make sure you quickly become a full partner in your firm." The young lawyer merely asks, "So...what's the catch?"

Q: What should you do if you come upon three lawyers up to their necks in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
A: The bucket.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to complete a roofing job?
A: It depends on how thinly you slice them.

The defense lawyer consults with his client.

Lawyer: Well I've got some good news and bad news. The bad news is that the DNA test they conducted showed that it was your blood on the victim, the murder weapon, and the getaway car.
Client: Oh No! I'm a goner! But what's the good news?
Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 140!