How I Survived Inpatient Treatment for Anorexia

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I mention all of this, because this past weekend, during my Oh What a Beautiful Morning! podcast, I was reminded of a very specific memory from my three month stay at inpatient treatment for my anorexia, ten years ago.

I’m going to be honest, sometimes it blows my mind when I think about the life I’ve lived so far. I mean – the things I gone through are seasons that, I honestly don’t know of many people who have had to endure. And my season of inpatient hospital treatment is one of those times.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was adamant about not going. I was supposed to graduate high school in 5 days, but a bed had opened up. It was the best inpatient treatment facility in the country. Christian based. Waiting list months long. And they finally had an opening.

I was barely clinging to life, 78 pounds. I didn’t have 5 days to spare. But I refused to go. And as an 18 year old girl and legally an adult, my parents couldn’t force me. So they staged an intervention.

Long story short, I ended up on a plane the very next morning, flying across the country to spend the next three months at an intense inpatient treatment facility where I would not only have to gain 30+ pounds, but kick a crippling addiction to exercise, silence the manipulative and controlling voice of the eating disorder in my head, reestablish my relationship with food, repair the important relatioships in my life, and rediscover who I am without my anorexia.

I can remember that first day, exactly. Walking into that community room, seeing the nurses, and all the girls with feeding tubes coming out of their noses. It was cold, and sterile, yet trying desperately to feel “homey.” There were couches and big round tables where grown woman were coloring. Yes, coloring. Like children. There were cubbies. And arts and crafts. And books. It was almost as though it was a cross between an adult daycare and hospital.

I had spent the whole 5 hour plane ride anxiously imagining what it would be like. Little did I know…

I said goodbye to my parents at the threshold of that sliding door, and never looked back. I was there on a mission: Get in. Get out. Get on with life.

My feet barely hit the aztec/adobe style area rug, when I was rushed into an exam room by the head nurses. “Strip and step on the scale,” they grunted, as they handed me a paper gown.

Let me tell ya, there’s not much more humbling in life than standing there, shivering, naked with half of my hair fallen out, getting searched – head to toe – for signs of self harm, or sneaking drugs into the facility in my “unmentionables.”

I was weighed. Poked. Prodded. Stuck with needles. Had my vitals taken. And then sat at a school desk where they slammed a lunch tray down in front of me — “Eat.”

Not so much as an ounce of warmth or flash of a smile from these two women.

The whole episode was hauntingly traumatic.

And I learned very quickly that if I was going to survive that time, I was going to need one thing: Jesus.

Well, in the episode, I was reflecting on the verse from Matthew 19:14 ”

“Let the children come to me, and do not prevent them;for the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

And it made me think about how we are to have the faith of a child: completely and absolutely trusting in the Father, one hundred percent.

And talking about that brought up this specific memory and image from inpatient, that honestly, got me through.

Growing up, there was an image of Jesus in my mom’s bible study room at church.

It was of this gentle, loving Jesus with kind eyes, holding this helpless little lamb with a broken leg.

And sitting there at inpatient, completely terrified, and honestly not knowing how I was going to get through three months of facing fear food after fear food, meal after meal. I was alone. I was petrified. And I was hopeless.

And then that image of Jesus came into my head one night. I had to sleep in a cot at the nurses’ station, as they feared my heart would stop in the middle of the night. I only learned later that I was the most severe case they had ever seen.

But lying there, I saw that image.

And it completely changed things.

I envisioned myself as that helpless, broken little lamb. I saw myself as a child – pure and innocent – climbing up into the Father’s arms.

He was strong. And smelled of clove and cedar, and He held me in His sturdy arms and kept me safe. Protected me. I buried my face into his chest and cried, or yelled, or took deep breaths to calm me down. But sitting there in that cold, sterile environment, I could smell His woodsy, soothing aroma.

And knowing that I was safe in His arms, it was exactly what I needed to get through the next moment of fear or panic.

We all have that inner child inside of us – hidden, somewhere deep in our spirits. We’ve lost sight of it, in all of our shame or regrets. But that child is there, waiting to crawl into the Father’s lap, waiting to be seen and loved wholly – and completely trusting with everything we have, that He will take care of our needs, protect us from harm, and carry us through the storm.

Inpatient taught me a lot. It may not have *healed* my anorexia, per se, but it did give me a lot. It saved my life – put the weight mostly on – but more than that, it awakened in me the need for Jesus in my life, on a daily, moment to moment basis. It provided the setting for me to get reacquainted – or rather, reintroduced – to Jesus: my Savior who forgave me, and gave His life because He loved me that much.

Going back, today, and reading through the extensive journal I kept at inpatient, I can see just how that relationship grew and blossomed. Starting with the decision to climb into His lap when I was terrified and unable to go on. And I’m so glad that I can share those experiences, and offer provocative, guiding questions in my interactive book/journal, Bloom, for others going through their own adversity in their lives.

Because the truth is, we don’t have to go through it alone.

Not only do we have each other, but we have a Father who will carry us in His strong, sturdy arms, every step of the way. Especially when we do not have the strength or courage to go another inch.

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Your story is amazing and inspiring and brought tears to my eyes. My only experience with inpatient treatment was awful and lasted just a few days. Thank you for pointing to Jesus in the midst of your deepest struggles 💛

You, my dear, are meant for great things, shining light into the darkness of others who feel hopeless. And you would not be able to, had you not made it through your personal trials. I am excited to follow you, and see what the future brings. Hugs and love from Kentucky– Mike

Reading your post, I could feel your desperation and resistance to the inpatient treatment. Picture of Jesus that you got was precious. Even in the sterile hospital environment, he was there with you. I am sure the opening at the hospital opened up at the right time, in order for your life to bloom and blossom. So glad you are here to bless others.

You preach it woman! I so love your writing. I know I say it every time, but it’s true. When I was single my Christian buddies and I would have referred to you as a W.O.G. This means woman of God. This was the highest of compliments. It elevated that woman to revered respect and marriage potential. I was blessed to meet my W.O.G and someday God will lead a real man to meet you. You are always in my prayers and thanksgivings. Thank you for the “likes” to my blog, I am so humbled by your kindness. Love you brother in Christ, Stephan

I’m sorry it pained you. The bits. All add up sometimes don’t they? When bad things happen to me, since as long as I can remember. I say, if this is the worst thing that happens, I’m doing pretty good. You are worthy of this life. If I knew you then, I would have told you.

I asked about fear. Because. It’s what hold us back in finding love. In being in love. I want that big, great, love for you. Even more than for myself. We are Jack & Rose and life is just like the, Titanic.

Did you know “posh” stands for port out starboard home? There was no air conditioning on sailing ships so the upper classes cooled themselves by paying extra to be on the side of the ship not in the sun.

Amen! Your testimony has to rock the enemies world. He realized that by destroying your life, many lives would remain untouched by the truth of God’s love. Thank you for enduring the season and sharing your story.

I wanted to tell you how very proud I am of you. Not just for sharing your beautiful story, but for successfully finding your recovery. My daughter is currently finishing up a partial in-patient treatment for Bulimia and from a perspective of a parent who has watched many young girls (and a young man) successfully complete a recovery program, I can tell you that I know just how much of a struggle it was for you. To turn your recovery into something even more beautiful by sharing your struggle, reaching out to others, you have turned what started out as an illness, into something that has profound meaning in your life. I have told my daughter that even though she may not understand or see why God would allow her to go through this, that someday she will be able to help someone else struggling in a mental space that she was once in. My prayers are with you as you continue your journey, and I pray that for every time your story is shared that at least one young man or woman will find comfort or courage to reach out for help and seek recovery for themselves. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and I pray God bless you every day.

Hi Teri, thank you so much for this thoughtful response. i appreciate you sharing your story. I will definitely be keeping your daughter and you and your family in my prayers. I’m so glad this resonated with you and that you know the power of recovery 🙂 Amen – God will use all of our pain for good. we can take that to the bank. thank you for your prayers. This has touched my soul more than you know!! 🙂 big big hugs xoxo

Omg beautiful as always. I’m so glad God healed you and you fought for that healing. Thank you for always sharing your heart and strength with us. You’re an inspiration for many. May the Lord continue to bless you and may peace continue to be with you all the days of your life. 💛

Thank you for sharing this. God uses broken things to show His love. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broke bread in the Communion to give strength. The little acorn must die and be buried to grow into the mighty oak. Love and hugs to you, you mighty oak.

Great post–I agree with everybody else offering supportive thoughts that now you are doing a lot right. Your style is very welcoming, I would also agree, and of course, I am glad you are doing so much better than when you were doing inpatient!

God is so good to us. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve had to go through various trials, but I do trust that God was there with me in them. Thank you for sharing your faith and ED story with the world. I’m not sure why the nurses treated you so coldly, but I’m thankful that you got a room and are doing better.

If I may, I think it was very calculated to establish authority and squelch resistance. I’m sure they had her bio and knew about the intervention. Warm and fuzzy would come later. First they needed to save her life. Just like ER doctors forget emotion; all business till they’re out of the woods.

Excellent Post! I’m glad you mentioned your book. I’ve just started reading it, and I can already say it would be a great help to anyone going through a time of discouragement and/or despair. You are totally open and honest with your feelings, to which the reader will relate, and you point them to the One who will go through the trial with them and never leave. Awesome job! Hope you have a great week! 🙂

This post hit very close to home for me, as I just recently was talking about how I really never talk about my own experience with inpatient treatment for anorexia when I was 14. Thank you for sharing, and lending some bravery and a voice to those who have similar experiences

Thank you friend. I’m so glad it resonated with you. That shared experience is definitely one that bonds people 🙂 I applaud your bravery and am cheering for your continued recovery, warrior 🙂 big hugs friend xox

LOVED that . . . thank you so much for sharing your heart. I have a friend who I’ve known since elementary school who struggled with anorexia during high school. I lost contact with her for several years, but she found me on Facebook about 8 or 9 years ago. It’s so amazing to see how God has worked in her life over the years!!

This was like listening to a sermon at Patreon that I thought God inspired my pastor to write just for me. I need to be a child to God again. I’m trying to remember how, but I feel as though it will be a difficult thing to do. There is so much to unlearn!

I recall writing in “Beauty and the ED Beast” how I felt for that poor, fragile girl, wanting to wrap her in my arms, kiss her head, and comfort her. I can only thank God that you survived…and have grown since you first started writing!

I always try to give something back for your efforts, but tonight all I can manage is to say “Thank you” for giving me…um, us…such a great message. A few tears and a fledging resolve from me tonight to try to let so many things go. Not my usual counterpoint or added thoughts to hopefully give back to you tonight. Maybe knowing that you brought a few good tears and small resolve to do better from me will be enough. Tonight.

Oh gosh, thank you Jeff. That is definitely more than enough. I’m so glad it hit home with you. I can definitely relate to needing to “unlearn” things. Gosh, that is a process I have to work on every single day. Thank goodness for His grace (and patience!) in that area! And what a gift that article you wrote was to me. It affirmed who I was as a person, and made my heart feel so warm. The beginning of a beautiful friendship! 🙂 sending hugs to you and Julie:) xo

This post brought tears to my eyes. And that may be because it took me back to my first night as a patient at St. Alban’s Psychiatric Hospital, where I was treated for anorexia. For me, it was only seven weeks, rather than three months. And while I feel like most of my days there run together in a blur, that first night was suddenly very fresh and vivid as I read through your account. Thank you for sharing.

oh friend thank you so much. I so appreciate you sharing your story. yeah the first night is typically a rather emotionally jarring time. I’m sorry this hit so close to home, but I’m so glad that we both grew from that experience and have come out the other side swinging 🙂 praying for your continued recovery. rock on warrior. Hugs and love xox

I’m so sorry you missed high school graduation. But I went to mine, and it just made me cry. I was saddened to hear you were treated so brutally in the anorexia unit. I was in mental hospitals many times when I was younger, and I don’t remember anything like that. 🙁 Of course, in my case, I’d been treated for ODing first, and that’s similarly unpleasant.

I have felt the same way as you at times: as if Jesus is with me when I need Him. He would never not be there. St. Joan, I believe, requested to see a cross while she was being killed, and her request was honored.

I’m submitting my novel to agents now–the one about the schizophrenic teen girl in the mental hospital. Suddenly, I have no idea, but I feel it might be possible to find an agent for it. Promise me you’ll read it if I get it published!!

Thank you Meg. What a kind note. I’m sorry this hit so close to home for you. Wow what a powerful fact about St. Joan. You’re so right – He is always with us, and carries us through those moments. That’s so exciting about your novel. Absolutely!! Sayin prayers for ya! Hugs and love xox

During those hard days you had to face you gave birth to yourself, you entered into a new world, a world of love of sharing and caring – the old world was left behind and you were never alone. In the word alone we find: al-one (you are only there) but all-one (one more l was put after your new birth) and you could be aware that we are all One, all connected as all sun-rays are conneted with the sun – no longer you were alone, but allone, all-one. Love is spreading from heart to heart are like waves of the Ocean Almighty and you have tasted this love through Christ. God gives a helping hand, when we sit in deep darkness, not knowing where to go, how to come out of this pain and sends a ray of light, His helping hand. In those dark hours we become humble, old walls break, fall and give way to a new morning, a new life.

All people who suffered like you may see the little light at the end of a dark tunnel and know that there is hope for everyone as you have proven with your life, my friend. Now you are this little for them…

This was incredibly empowering. I’m checking out your book, wanna see what it’s about and if I can get it. Sometimes shipping here in South Africa can be a major problem… I’ve never mentioned it, but about three years ago my youngest brother tried committing suicide at home. It was horrible and terrifying. I have never been able to completely put that night behind me. Do you have any advise? Also, thank you for sharing these stories, you are an inspiration to so many people. I’m sharing this post on Twitter.

Oh Chrissie, my heart breaks to hear that. I am so sorry for you loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you carry in your heart. My advice would be honestly to just cry to Jesus. Let it all out. Yell, kick, cry, – give Hum all you’ve got – every emotion. Because He can take it and He cares. And wants to release you from the controlling emotions and sorrow that you’re carrying. Praying for you friend. Sending so much love xox

Such a moving and inspirational post. I love the idea of resting in him, like that broken lamb needing the protection and care of its creator. So many of us need that. Thank you for sharing that part of your journey, you are fantastic!

I heard it said once that sometimes a shepherd will actually break the leg of a lamb to keep them from wandering off. That’s what I thought of when I read the part where you talked about the lamb with the broken leg in Jesus arms.

Sometimes God allows these things to happen in our lives, so that we have no choice but to turn to him. It takes an incredible amount of faith to not only hear that but to believe that. And I think that you have that kind of faith.

what a hopeful message. So glad I found your blog. I have been through intense seasons of mental illness. Of course at the time, I didn’t recognize it for what it was because I kept it hidden from everyone else. The Father definitely brought me through it. I could not have made it without him. Thanks for sharing.

I’m shocked that the staff was so cold and insensitive in a “Christian based” centre!! I’m so glad Jesus Himself acted as your Physician and healed your soul while they took care of your body. And it reminds me that beautiful things came out of the darkest times if we just seek refuge in the Heart of Jesus.

How beautifully you remember and describe your experience. It was traumatic yet beautiful and powerful and so life changing. How far you’ve come in ten years! Blooming ever since. I’m so proud of your growth. 💓💓💓When you say that you doubt others have suffered as much as you, please remember that every one on this planet is here to learn and grow and that we’ve ALL endured many storms of our own. All of us have felt pain and sorrow and grief at times. I try not to compare one person’s journey as ‘harder’ or ‘easier’ than others. It’s a unique journey we all take, but we are connected in that not human is immune from pain and adversity. We all feel it and hopefully we all grow through our pain. God bless all of us. 💓🙏🏼😌

Thank you so much Mrs. Zen. it has definitely been a journey, and I am so grateful to God for His healing power in my life! and you’re right – we all are dealt our own adversity. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to “one up” people in the “trauma” department — that was not my intent at all. I empathize with the struggles and challenges everyone endures. 🙂 Hugs and love xox

By the end of this post I was in tears. Thank you so much. I have been dealing with anxiety lately and I needed to be reminded that God is my Father. I had just posed a question on Facebook asking why do we refer to God as He if God is spirit. You have so eloquently answered me with this post. God is my everything. God is whatever is needed to make my soul whole. I appreciate you.

Thanks for sharing your story! I would say I’m surprised at how cold the nurses were but I’m not. I think they are intentionally cold so you’ll want to become strong so you can stand up to them or strong so you can gain your weight back and get out of there 👋👋. I think it’s a science to it.

Its funny how God shows up for us in places we wouldn’t expect. But it’s great knowing he’s always there!

Thanks again for sharing. We all have battles in our lives and knowing God will see us through is comforting.

Thank you for sharing your story even more. The pain of it all, as well as the comfort of our Savior during those seasons of our lives where are hearts are the most tender bring tears to my eyes. God bless you, and may God continue to heal you and give you greater peace as you move forward with Him. BTW. Happy Belated Birthday! I pray it is followed with many more to come!!! 🙂

Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring testimony. It was truly moving. You are so brave to put it “out there” and I hope it helps many people. I enjoy your writing and the word pictures you skillfully paint. Blessings.

What a beautiful imagery. I am not religious, but I learned through recovering from trauma to trust in my higher power as a comforting, loving aspect of myself. It seems very similar to your imagery as an injured lamb. I am so happy you found a way to heal and kick your addiction to exercise! Healing our trauma so we can live a life dedicated to love is a miracle.

Thank you so much for posting this. I cried here and there as I read it. Life is hard at the moment and your post is a gentle reminder that I need to ask Jesus to help me and to hold me and help me to not be afraid. Often I am a little child, who was never loved or encouraged, wandering through life, never doing what I was born to do. And now I am reminded that He is always with me and I am where I should be and He will take care of everything. He has helped me survive in my life too and now I know He will help me again. Blessings to you. You are truly beautiful, inside and out.

Thank you so much for your blog. I found it as I was in residential treatment this past Spring and you have encouraged me to keep going in my recovery. I have always loved to write and have recently started my own blog site that I hope will be able to help others the way yours is! #mommystrong https://mommy-strong.com/

This post and the beautiful image you shared encouraged me greatly Caralyn. One of the best visions God has given me is running and jumping into the arms of Jesus like a little child. There’s freedom in His arms!

Thank you for sharing this. “And knowing that I was safe in His arms, it was exactly what I needed to get through the next moment of fear or panic.” This line spoke to my Spirit in such a powerful way!!!

He’s always waiting on us. He loves us so much! I’m so happy he healed, and carried you through such a tragic and life changing storm as well. You are loved and you are reaching out so many out there in such a positive and uplifting way! Keep Jesus at the centre of it all! Much love dear! Xxoo

While I was reading this blog, and having read quite few, an image came to me of you hosting a TV show on the Oprah network, with guests who bring all the things you write about to life. I know it would be a tremendous amount of work, but your message could light up some lives that have gone dim.

God continue to be powerfully with you as you walk the road to recovery with Him at your side. Thanks for visiting http//www.lifeistoughbutgodalwaysmakesaway.wordpress.com and liking our newest post. Hope it encouraged you. Look forward to your return visits and comments. Hugs and blessings, Pastors George and Sharon Billington.

Our struggles always lead us back to God! I thank God that He is long suffering and willing to heal us. As we continue to trust Him and hold his hand, its also great that we gain understanding and an appreciation for the bad and the pain we have experienced. Its great to see how God has restored your smile and that there is happiness exuding from you! Keep being a light! And keep writing!!!!