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Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2001 21:07:21 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1237
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=== 1237 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1237
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Sun, 18 Nov 2001 21:07:09 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1237
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1232 65 votes 7ecp7 0iqe7 ajbg9 4brg7 7fji6 39mn8 fmf85 4bql3 79qf8 echca
1232 3.0 mean 3.2 3.2 2.9 3.2 3.0 3.4 2.5 3.1 3.1 2.9
--- 1237-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is karma real?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You bet karma is real, my dear supplicant. Your every action will
} either build or deplete your karma.
}
} For example:
}
} Letting someone go ahead of you in traffic when you didn't need
} to: +1d6 karma
}
} Cutting somebody off: -1d6 karma
}
} Giving to a worthwhile charity: +3d6 karma
}
} Giving to the Republican party (not talking about taxes here,
} either): -3d6 karma
}
} Bombing and/or embargoing a third-world country into ruins: -6d1764
} karma (That's right, roll six 1,764-sided dice. God not only does play
} dice with the Universe, but he owns a really l33t gaming store.)
}
} Resisting the temptation to give money and/or arms to shady guerrilla
} leaders or dictators in the first place so they never come back to
} bite you in the ass: +6d6 karma (C'mon, we don't give huge bonuses for
} obvious decisions)
}
} Solving a long outstanding mathematical or scientific problem: +8d42
} karma
}
} That has immediate or long-term benefits for mankind: +8d716 karma
}
} That's actually just a new innovation in advertising: -42d1000 karma
}
} Making "All your base" jokes: -2d4 karma
}
} Writing a worthwhile oracularity: +2d4 karma
}
} Asking about woodchucks: -3d1000 karma
}
} And so on, et hoc genus omne.
}
} Then, at the end of your life, if you've yet to achieve the kind of
} transcendent inner knowledge that Buddha, Lao-tse or Chris Farley
} possessed, how much karma you have determines how you get
} reincarnated. If you're in the positives, you come back as something
} better - say, a great teacher, or a dolphin, or a masseuse at an
} exclusive resort for super-models. If you're in the negatives, then
} obviously you have many lessons yet to learn, so you come back as the
} same thing or worse. Say, a database programmer, sea cucumber, or some
} kind of vole.
}
} I shudder to think what Zadoc did in his previous lives.
}
} You owe the Oracle Culture Club's greatest hits on vinyl. *Red* vinyl.
--- 1237-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> GREAT MOMENTS IN THE LIFE OF THE ORACLE...
>
> and YOU ARE THERE!
>
> When Junius Brutus and the sons of Tarquin asked the Delphic Oracle
> who was to succeed Superbus on the throne of Rome, they received for
> answer, "He who shall first kiss his mother." While the two princes
> hastened home to fulfill what they thought was meant, Brutus fell to
> the earth, and exclaimed, "Thus kiss I thee, O earth, the great
> mother of us all."
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
> What do think Orrie? We run a series of these during the next
> Super Bowl. Your name recognition goes sky high and tributes will
> come pouring in.... what do you think? Is it a go?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *sigh* We never had commercials during the Pythian Games.
}
} Being nigh-immortal is nice, don't get me wrong, but it means you spend
} a lot of your life being an old man. Old men have simpler tastes.
} Apollo and I don't go out to the clubs anymore, priestesses are cute
} but tend to focus more on good looks than obscure wisdom... I gave 'em
} a really good serverance package and told 'em to start their own
} business, all I ask is that they use an owl in the logo as a
} rememberance to the duties they carried in the name of inscrutable
} wisdom.
}
} God help us all -- they went and started the "Hooters" chain of
} taverns.
}
} Anyways, I'm already world-reknown beyond the archeology books (thanks
} to Steve and the gang at Indiana U), and I don't have anywhere to
} put the tribute. Lisa thought the sprigs of mistletoe made for great
} Christmas wreaths, but one weekend she was bored and made a whole
} living room suite out of the stuff and now she's sick of it. It was
} about 400 years after the carpenter's son that Rome handed me my
} eviction notice. I was glad for a way to get out of the lease on the
} temple, and move into someplace with aqueducts and less of a gas leak.
} I left my desire for fame behind me, took a vacation and pretended to
} be an ignorant mortal for a while. I spent time as a scribe, a sea
} merchant (dealing in retail sails), a bard, and door-to-door
} encyclopaedias. I tried being a judge for a while, but people got
} suspicious when I never called witnesses to the stand, so I skipped
} town after that.
}
} Thanks anyways. If you ever did a "this is your life!" kind of party
} for me, I'd adore it -- I'd even tell you how to summon spirts of the
} dead for your gueststars, but I had a taste of being a celebrity for a
} few hundred years already and that was enough.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything this time -- it was a nice idea, and
} I appreciate it.
--- 1237-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Is cindi married
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A fine question to ask yourself now that you've slipped that
} goofy glass slipper on the feet of 632 peasant girls...
--- 1237-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle most cold resistant and chicken soup like of the deities,
>
> Should I get a flu shot?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Learn to curb your bestial impulses and live in peace with your flu.
} What if everyone shot their flu? The carnage would be horrendous! In
} this universe, we must all strive to understand and tolerate each
} other. And if we hear you've gone ahead and shot your flu, we won't
} hesitate to drop a dime on you and send you to the slammer for the rest
} of your miserable and pathetic little life. -- May You Find Peace,
} Love, and Understanding.
--- 1237-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> And then did Adam saith unto the Lord, "Yo, what can I get for a rib?".
> Well?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} And the Lord spake unto Adam, "Thou hast offended me--thou knowest
} thou shouldst grovel before me and refrain from such hip-hop slang
} terminology in the face of Thy Lord."
}
} And Adam respondeth, "Chill Homey"
}
} And God knocketh Adam out, and when he awoke he foundeth a rib missing,
} and some hoochie mama lying nude beside him. And God thought that
} this was good, and he awoke Adam saying, "A-man.. waketh up"
}
} And Adam awakeneth, to this divine being, a cross between J-Lo and
} Gwyneth, though not as slutty nor as refined, and said, "G-dog...
} You da man!"
}
} And God said, "No YOU da Man..."
}
}
}
} To which Eve awakeneth, "Methinks I have a headache... I will find
} a Apple to keep the Doctor away..."
--- 1237-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dr. Noe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oracle Most Discerning,
>
> What is the cause of that Strange Hubbub in the graveyard?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's actually not a Strange Hubbub (Tumultum arcanum). It's a Weird
} Hubbub (Tumultum outlandi). It's a natural mistake to make, as the two
} are nearly identical in appearance. The easiest way to tell them apart
} is by their call. T. arcanum makes short, percussive noises
} reminiscent of steel saucepans, garbage can lids, or a gong, depending
} on the size and age of the individual specimen. T. outlandi makes
} longer hooting or moaning sounds, often similar to telephone wires
} whistling in the wind.
}
} T. outlandi frequently makes an appearance in burial grounds upon the
} demise of persons of certain ethnic groups (owing to Federal
} regulations I am not allowed to tell you precisely which ones, sorry
} about that) who are members of large families. If you check your local
} newspaper's obituary column for the last few days, I'm sure you'll be
} able to spot the likely candidates. The Weird Hubbub generally
} blossoms quickly, but dies off in a couple of days. Just be glad it's
} not an Awful Hubbub (Tumultum horribilis) - they can persist for
} months.
}
} You owe the Oracle 600 square feet of soundproofing material.
--- 1237-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> WHATS NEW IN THIS RELEASE OF THE INTERNET ORACLE (TM)?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answers are even more perplexing than before. Specifically,
} the tire irons have been painted orange and green, and the
} fruit salad has delightful blue specks of ground-up toy Smurfs
} folded in throughout. Crunchy, yet satisfying.
--- 1237-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Paul Kelly
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> [ChibaCity]$ finger oracle@cs.indiana.edu
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Login name: oracle (messages off) In real life: Oracle
} Directory: /home/oracle Shell: /usr/local/bin/bash
} On since Nov 12 08:46:44 on pts/0 from 127.0.0.1
} 1 minute 0 seconds Idle Time
} No unread mail
} Plan:
}
} ######################################
} #### O ############################### Down
} #### R ### ###### U S A ########## 1. _____ Most Wise
} # Z A D O C ###### T ############# 2. a fell beast
} #### C ### ######### E L I Z A #### 3. The 1 Who Made It Happen
} # S L E D ######### V ###### R #### 4. hidden or secret
} #### E ### C O S M E T I C S # 5. Meat ______, a mortal
} ########## ######### K ###### A #### 6. one of Orrie's states
} ####### S U P P L I C A N T # 7. go play in the _______
} # I ###### ### U ### N ###### E #### 8. canines
} A N T #### K ### P ### Z O T ####### 9. direction sun rises from
} # D ############ P ### L ### R ####### 10. something real stupid
} # I ### D ###### E ### E ### A ### E # Across
} # A ### O ###### T ### R ### F ### A # 1. North of Mexico
} # N I G H T ############ F ### S # 2. type of worm
} # A ### S ######### T Y P I S T # 3. early AI
} ################### V ###### C ####### 4. rosebud
} ######################################
}
} 5. things Lisa doesn't wear 6. source of questions
} 7. type of insect 8. found in rhod
} 9. homophone of knight 10. Clinton hired her because
} he heard she was a touch _____
}
} You owe the Oracle mention in alt.sysadmin.recovery
--- 1237-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> X+1=1/X
> (X*X)+X=1
> X-1=-X
>
> For 500 points, which of these statements contradicts the other two?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Solving this problem exemplifies the three R's!!!
}
} Let's start with a little quickie math analysis: ('Rithmetic)
} 1. In the first statement, multiplying both sides by X gives X^2+X=1,
} which is the same as the second one.
} 2. Solving either of those two statements for X, we get X as about .62
} 3. The third statement would seem to yield X=0.5
}
} OK, now for Reading:
} "For 500 ponts..."- This seems to mean that the correct answering of
} this interrogative statement will gain the asked 500 of some entity
} called "points."
} "...which of these statements..." It establishes the sentence as an
} interrogative one, and asked about what specific one of several
} statements satisfies some criteria.
} "...contradicts..." Goes against.
} "...the other two?" The other two in a group of three.
}
} The answer seems to be the third choice, but just to make sure, I'll
} have to make the answer utterly ambiguous. To do so, I'll invoke the
} third R, Riting:
}
} "The Essential Guide of Shamans" contains the rites that must be
} invoked to change around the rules of mathematics. I think that the
} best way to do it would be to make about .62 and .5 the same number.
} Here goes:
}
} Hummina! Assume a=b. Wubbidy! So a^2=ab. Sturek! a^2-b^2=ab-b^2.
} Veercha! (a+b)(a-b)=b(a-b). Hummina! a+b=b. Yersachen! 2b=b. Floozy!
} 2=1. Hichaklioe! 1=0. Volla! .12=0. Vezzachozibliajekomanoscheivira!
} .62=.5!!!!!
}
} The answer: None of the above. You owe the Oracle the point entities.
--- 1237-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Wise Oracle,
>
> Are there any humans left in the USA that take responsibility for
> their own actions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} **ZOT!**
} Oops! I killed the poor supplicant!
} Uh... wasn't my fault.