Charles Carreon, the Tucson lawyer currently suing Oatmeal creator Matt Inman, the National Wildlife Foundation, the American Cancer Society, and anyone impersonating him on Twitter, is something of a poet. (And, when we spoke to him last week, we learned that he loves The Ramones.)

So when Inman cranked out his infamous drawing of a mom seducing a Kodiak bear, Carreon took his displeasure to the blank page and churned out "Don't Mess With My Mom."

In case the subtext here wasn't clear, Carreon dedicated the verses to "Matthew Inman of the Oatmeal." Here's a small hors d'oeuvre—just imagine the lines set to a pumping, palm-muted set of power chords.

Your allies are the fools
Who cut and paste all day.
They think they're important,
But their anger is impotent.
They say nasty things,
But they don't get paid.
Their ignorance is deep,
So ya' get 'em on the cheap.

Your humor's scatological,
Your mind is pathological.
Did someone drop you on your head,
When you were in your baby-bed?
Did they take away your rattle,
And teach you how to tattle?

Whatever the reason,
You have committed treason
Against decency and sanity,
You're offensive to humanity.

Carreon and his wife, Tara, are furious about Inman's online campaign, which was designed to mock Carreon and his initial demand that Inman pay $20,000 for allegedly defaming a client. And they're even angrier about the behavior of Inman's followers and supporters, who have been peppering the Carreons with e-mails that say things like:

You are the biggest fucking asshole I have ever seen. I hope you do the world a favor and die soon.

Others have taken Carreon's pretty-easy-to-find e-mail address and signed him up for all sorts of things, including Club Nintendo, the Olive Garden newsletter, and porn sites like Tube8. The prospect of having a Tube8 user account linked to his e-mail address terrifies Carreon. As he put it in his amended legal complaint this week:

On Tube8.com, members are allowed to “upload” explicit sexual images and video. Thus, Does 2 -100 have the ability to upload child pornography to Tube8.com, using Plaintiff’s name, that could lead to his criminal prosecution. Criminal prosecution for child pornography is swift and devastating, often resulting in the seizure of a defendant’s computers, the total destruction of their livelihood, long terms of imprisonment, and the total ruination of the defendant’s life. Indeed, filing this action is the only way to prove, conveniently and quickly to investigating law enforcement, that Plaintiff is not a Tube8.com user.

Convinced that Inman has been instigating the madness, Carreon has sued him for inciting "cyber-vandalism." And he continues to struggle with the mystery that is Matt Inman's popularity—as in his follow-up poem, "Psycho Santa":

His prehistoric origin's a mystery—
Did he escape from the lavatory?
Was he made by the Pentagon and NSA
A living drone that shoots mind rays,
Makin' zombies of his followers—
Internet slaves!

What we need, Carreon says—and it's hard to disagree—is "thoughtful people / Who are decent and sincere."

Unfortunately, decency and thought appear to be in short supply. In a five-page thread on her website The Ralph Nader Library, Tara Carreon has spent the last ten days tearing into her husband's detractors. If you want to understand the Carreons' worldview—and why the suit against Inman goes ahead—it's an enlightening read. It may also teach you some brand new insults.

It's also a reminder—always useful on the Internet—that real people sit at the computers behind e-mail and Twitter accounts. And sometimes those people get very, very upset.

"Nazi scumbags"

Complaining about "Mike Masnick Retard Wannabe Lawyer Writer at TechDirt" and his commenters, Tara Carreon disagrees with the view that much of the hate directed at the Carreons is typically over-the-top, unserious Internet ranting. No, she says that hyperbolic denunciations like those directed at Carreon dehumanize one's opponents and prepare the way for actual violence. (Carreon has made the same claim in interviews.) And you know who else engaged in hyperbolic denunciations? Hitler.

These Techdirt nazi scumbags are doing to Charles what they did to the Jewish lawyers in Nazi Germany. Accusing him of greed and being responsible for the entire economic mess that our country is in. I mean, that is crazy!...

In addition to working for himself, Charles is working for You the People on this one, because who in the world would want this to happen to them? It's a very, very bad thing that's happening on the Internet right now to us, and it could happen to you. They're even threatening our children. One girl was so violent and threatening, said she was going to make my daughter lose her job, that she had to take the entire conversation to her HR manager. These people are BAD, BAD PEOPLE, these Matt Inman people. They are true Internet terrorists. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't involve a lot of the Anonymous people.

Tara was reacting to commenters who complain that Carreon contributes "nothing to society" and then say things like:

Your ego and greed are the reason millions are out of work right now. You are a contemptible butt baby that managed to live from out of the anus of mankind, polluting our lives with pre-restraint of our own imaginations and paranoia for those who have already created beautiful things. If I had 10+ billion dollars I would try to forcibly use you as a space monkey for early colonization of Mars, at least then we'd get valuable data out of your pathetic existence.

And to such commentators, Tara gave as well as she got. "This is one of the little lying bitches working for Matt Inman," Tara wrote about an apparently female commenter. In an exchange with another online commenter, Tara "jokingly" (her words) threatened that Carreon might subpoena him and search his hard drive. The bewildered commenter asked why he might possibly be subpoenaed. Tara replied:

For all of that illegal content on your hard drive. You'll have to seek a protective order to keep your porn stash private. What's your preference—het, gay, bi, BDSM?

The commenter responded, "Wait. Did you just vaguely threaten to try and out me to the general public using a subpoena and use that as a tool to embarrass and humiliate me? WOW. You, darling, have sunk lower than your husband."

Tara responded by pointing the commenter to an "archive of Italian spanking imagery, and to its screencap gallery of the lesbian bondage classic scene from Sexus, original music by Chet Baker, directed by Jose Benazaref, and you tell me which you like better." [Tara posts hundreds of screencaps from films, often with subtitles.]

This is a fight that is rapidly regressing into truly hateful territory; if there's a high road, everyone involved appears to have lost sight of it. Piled on by random Internet e-mailers and commenters, Tara kept lashing out, often against Inman personally. "You are a cancer, Matt Inman," she wrote.

This attack against FunnyJunk and Charles Carreon is an attack against law and order. Matt Inman is an Internet anarchist. Fascists always love an anarchist.

And the claims got odder over time. Who, she wondered, was behind this Matt Inman guy, anyway?

I don't know why we can't get a simple yes or no from ANYONE about whether Matt Robert Inman is related to [retired US admiral and intelligence agent] Bobby Ray Inman. Apparently, every journalist in the world doesn't seem to think that knowing WHO Matt Inman is is important. He's a man without parents, brothers and sisters, or childhood friends. A man without a past, just like Barack Obama. Sure, there's lots of famous people like that in the world! Usually, they are children of Intelligence Agents, or Intelligence Agents themselves.

Or, you know, mobsters. "What kind of connections does someone have in the world to be this arrogant towards a lawyer?" she asked. "Think about it. Inman is WELL-CONNECTED! To me, that just means one thing: mafia."

If there was ever a shred of evidence that the Carreon's were in the right it is now gone forever. The first wrong is squarely on Carreon's shoulders because he sent the initial communication demanding money without any judgement or decision being made against Inman. Somehow thinking he can fight the anonymous masses for defamation on the Internet is naive at best. Judging from the responses from his wife, it's clear its not naiveté but insanity. I despise this type of misuse of law and I hope Carreon gets hauled in front of the Arizona Bar. Joey Ramone must be turning in his grave.

Why do the Carreons keep assuming Inman was responding to them personally on his blog and not to FunnyJunk? Does Charles Carreon really believe that as a lawyer he is acting on his own personal accord and not on behalf of his clients request?

There are four kinds of poetry: Haiku, Vogon, naughtly limericks, and (the rest) is garbage. That fourth one is where the Carreon's dwell. Honestly, at this point, I think the world would be better served to immediately ignore them. Complete. 100%. Cold-shoulder. They need to accept their discommendation and leave the Empire.

The more I read about these people, the more vividly I see the words "narcissistic personality disorder". Do they really see themselves as some amazing savior who goes around suing charitable funds and whining about defamation while at the same time doing the same thing? I wouldn't be surprised if a class action lawsuit does get flung their way for all the ridiculous and damaging allegations they throw around.

I just don't understand how a couple of people who have clearly enjoyed the right to criticize, name-call, and shit talk those they dislike on the Internet can have such an issue with a webcomic writer that called them out in similar fashion. This isn't some conspiracy of mind controlled Internet bots to ruin their lives. It's par for the course in public lowbrow criticism and satire. How do the Carreons expect to hold any sort of moral or legal high ground when they retaliate in the same fashion? Maybe if they took the high road and responded sensibly and sanely there would be a chance for public opinion to favor them for staying "highbrow". Instead they legally threaten Inman for defaming them via snarky and vulgar comics and then proceed to post snarky and vulgar retorts online.

The judge in this case will end up feeling like a tired parent listening to two kids argue over who started the name calling and who is in the right. What a fucking joke.