Welcome to the Extreme Mom House of Horrors

Good Eeeeevening and welcome to the Extreme House of Horrors… otherwise known as Moms Tunnel of Everyday Terror.

If you suffer from anxiety, OCD, panic attacks or PTSD, this exhibit is not for you.

You’ve been warned.

This Halloween themed attraction is FRIGHTENING in caps simply because it’s the realdeal.

None of the featured subjects have been staged.

This is my actual home.

I shit you not.

Fortunately, it took a few years to compile this unique chilling collection. The following is not a complete depiction of scary activity found in the Extreme House of Horrors, these are simply the highlights.

Ready?

Extreme Cousin It will be your tour guide!

Enter my offsprings bedroom where we discover a once healthy and refreshing glass of apple juice that was taken over by sinister fuzzy green goblins while the family slept. Nobody knows where they came from.

Here we have the Blob Monster. He started out as a nutritious glass of vitamin D fortified milk. Nobody knows how he managed to penetrate security and slither into this unsuspecting glass.

Next up is this lovely plaster of Paris sculpture Wednesday is currently constructing for her 3D art class. We’re not sure whose heart she’s attempting to recreate, but we’ve all decided to be extra nice to her…. just in case.

If you didn’t notice, Wednesday is sculpting on my unprotected cherry finish dining room table with razor sharp tools, because… that’s how she rolls. It seems rather obvious that she accidentally consumed the apple juice from the above photo and fuzzy green goblins immediately ate her brain. It’s the only logical explanation. And, it’s also why I can’t have nice things.

Below is Wednesday dressed as herself for Halloween. She still has the headless doll, Marie Antoinette which used to be a lovely decorative Amish doll that-I-did-not-need-anyway.

In addition to sculpting, Wednesday enjoys wood carving on the living room coffee table.

All I have to say is… What your family doesn’t know can’t hurt them.

Spaghetti… it’s what’s for dinner. It’s also evidence that I do sometimes use the stove.

I also hate doing dishes. I left these for Wednesday. Her other name is on the traffic cone because it’s her chore.

The kitchen isn’t always scary.

Sometimes we play games.

This is Tim, the winner from the Jenga game featured above.

This is also him.

Let’s get some fresh air and venture out to the back deck.

Nope, this is not a giant rat. This look-alike is actually a decaying banana. I can only assume that Pugsley aka Tim left it for the flying monkey’s who are due to fly overhead any minute now on their annual migratory trip to the Devil’s Triangle.

My children are dedicated ambassadors of wildlife preservation as well as fierce protectors of exotic creatures. They’re givers from way back.

Whooooopsy!!

Look out below.

ThatGodamnedCat apparently bagged another flying monkey. Mum is the word. We don’t want that testy green-faced bitch whose strung-out-on-MaxwellHouse to find out about it. She has an ug-ly temper.

It’s always seems to be something with ThatGoddamnedCat. He’s a murdering machine who obviously needs a new bell collar.

The following scary bedroom attraction is admittedly lame.

Credit to Spot, the brainless family canine who can’t resist a delicious midnight snack.

Wednesday cuddling with her horse head.

Speaking of bed covers, It’s time to wash the horsy-femur-sheets.

The following is random stuff I found under my bed.

When Gomez speaks French I tend to get frisky…

or maybe I’m just a fun mom hoarder of unusual stuff .

Also tucked away in my extreme jewelry box…

I actually own this and yes I’ve worn it to work.

Bathrooms can be scary for many reasons.

This one is definitely possessed by twin demons called PMS, which incidentally stands for Pretty Mutherf*cking Scary.

I try to stay out of this room.

I recently painted the powder room a lovely shade of Exorcist Pea-Soup Green, because I crack myself up… or possibly I’m cracking up.

Same difference.

This genius color serves to camouflage any unholy venomous regurgitation spewed by the girls as they are primping for school.

You might be a witch if… you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.

*Note to self – order firewood.

My Extreme family also enjoys painting with toothpaste and making arts and crafts in the bathroom. The toothpaste thing really happened. Quite frankly, I was too baffled to investigate and the perp got away scott free..

You have to choose your battles carefully.

*For the easy version of this tampon ghost, just draw the eyes with a Sharpie marker, because not everyone can be an admitted hoarder of useless craft supplies like myself.

No scary mansion is complete without spiders, snakes, bats and toads.

Here are a few photos of me and my favorite creatures.

No, I’m not afraid of exotic house guests.

Awesome hair clip I scored at the Dollar Store.

Despite her cozy accommodations in my aloe vera plant, Anastasia only stayed with us for a week.

Other disturbing and intriguing finds…

Pugsley’s glasses…

And another pair…

I bought this nifty violet-light-powered beauty mask because nobody over 40 should have both acne and wrinkles, but mostly because it’s a fantastic way to embarrass my kids.