When one partner in a marriage doesn't want sex, what are options?

CHERYL LAVINCHICAGO TRIBUNE

What do you do when you're married and your partner doesn't want to have sex any more? What's the answer? If counseling doesn't work or your partner won't go, what are your options? Divorce? Death? Affairs?

Tom is 55 and his wife, Shelley, is 52. They've been married 25 years and have three kids. "I'm a very sexual human being, and my wife isn't," says Tom. "When we met I was a 90 on the sexual scale, she was a 60. It's not that she doesn't enjoy sex, it's the frequency that's the problem for me. So, what should I do? Get a divorce? I've got too much invested. Talk it out? I did. Things got better, but then it felt like she was just performing her wifely duty. So, I started having affairs.

"Maybe it's not for every guy in my position, but for me it's perfect. No more frustration, no more feeling like I'm sexually inadequate. Having a woman desire me is intoxicating. My lovers think I'm wonderful, and I still have sex with my wife every other month. For me it's perfect, and everyone's happy."

Tom says his first affair "just kind of happened." He met a woman at the commuter train station who was single and attractive.

"I always tell the women upfront that I'm married. The rest were all married too. I fell in love with one. She was also in love with me. It hurt when it ended, but we went on. I'm very, very careful to make sure my wife never finds out. I've been doing it for over 20 years, and she never has. I'm not sure what would happen if she did, but I think we'd survive. I don't know if any of my friends are doing the same thing; we have a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy."

I asked Tom if he was happy with his choice. He said, "Not always, but like I said, it beats the alternative." I asked if he had any negative feelings about what he was doing. He said, "Quite a few, but I guess I want what I want.

"To a lot of people I may sound like a sad case, and maybe what I'm doing isn't right, but I've always been able to separate the emotions. All the women I've been with are special. ... I'm happy for the sharing experiences. I'm pretty sure my wife is having a non-sexual, emotional affair. If that's what she needs, I'm happy for her and I can deal with it."

Justine says she "just filed for divorce this past week" because her husband of 25 years "thought that not having sex was OK. I'm not some sex maniac! I would have been happy with sex once a month and a little affection now and then. But I can count on four fingers how many times we've been intimate during the past three to four years. I finally quit asking my husband and decided to cut my losses. He just didn't think my feelings counted on such an important marital subject. I think it's a passive-aggressive action on his part, so I took this drastic step and I'm not changing my mind.

"I feel for men whose wives won't have sex. Tell them I was only one week away from 25 years and I got out and they can too."

Denise says she met and married the love of her life six years ago. She says her husband had been in a sexless marriage for 45 years until his wife died. "My advice to men in sexless marriages is get out now, not later. There are thousands of women who want a relationship that includes sex. To put yourself through the emotional pain of staying in a marriage that is no longer a marriage is a recipe for disaster. Marriage, to me, includes physical and mental closeness. Any marriage that doesn't include the two is not a marriage, it's just a living arrangement with financial bonds."

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Were you left at the altar? Or did you leave someone there? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions and problems to cheryllavin@aol.com or Cheryl Lavin, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Please include day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part and become the property of the column.