The Best Part of Waking Up Is … the Vagina Alarm Clock?

Attention ladies: The best part of waking up is no longer Folgers in your cup. No, that honor is hereby bestowed upon the Wake-Up Vibe, which is an alarm clock for your vagina. Yes, we’re living in the future.

From what I can surmise from the Wake-Up Vibe’s vague and barely comprehensible website, the sex toy is a curved, silicone external vibrator with a built-in alarm clock that turns it — and you — on at a preset time. Just set the alarm the night before, put it between your legs and get ready to wake up in the middle of a softcore porno, like this lady!

OK, my interest is … aroused. Waking up sucks and orgasms rule, so it seems likely that a combination of the two would provide a weekday morning experience that’s at least more tolerable than the usual.

Unfortunately, I see several problems with the Wake-Up Vibe:

1. Judging by its curved shape, the vibe seems to be designed to sit on the pelvis, waiting for its time to shine. What, all night? So the wearer is expected to never roll over? According to the website, the “exceptionally thin” vibe will remain neatly nestled between the wearer’s legs throughout the night, but I’m doubtful that those of us who tend to turn into a twisted starfish while sleeping are going to find that’s the case.

2. Nobody wants to start their day off with a tease. OK, let me rephrase that, because there are probably times when that would be enjoyable, but every day? Nah. So, to avoid setting a frustrating tone for the rest of the day, the wearer will have to hang around until the, uh, show’s over. Every day. Who’s got time for that? Isn’t the point of an alarm clock to help you get out of bed in a timely manner? Orgasms may be great, but are they great enough to be worth setting your alarm clock five to fifteen minutes earlier?

Even the website acknowledges this issue, saying, “Be careful of being late, it’s addictive…”

Somehow I don’t think “Sorry I was late, boss. I had to wait for my alarm clock to give me an orgasm,” is gonna fly.

3. Nothing on the website suggests the Wake-Up Vibe’s special wakeup call has any kind of sound feature – which is good, because could you concentrate enough to get off with a ringing alarm clock going off in your pants? That said, heavy sleepers might find the Wake-Up Vibe ineffective as an alarm clock. I don’t know about you, but I’ve slept through some pretty crazy stuff – so I’m not sure a little vibration is going to be enough to wake me up.

4. Not that I’d know anything about this, but certain sources have told me that having an orgasm makes them immediately unreasonably sleepy. Like, laying on a soft, warm cloud sleepy. That could be a problem.