Croydon dubbed 'king of all chav towns' in brutal online rant

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Their obsession with "chavs" verges on alarming - the word is repeated no fewer than 12 times in the 400-word review.

It hasn't got a date on the review but considering the fact no one has used the word "chav" since the early 00s, I think we can safely assume it's not current.

Not a 'chav' in site (Image: Grant Melton)

The colourful piece, which is an absolute work of fiction it starts off: "Ahh, Croydon – king of all chav towns, famous for finishing in the top 10 of the C*** Towns and being the only town to feel 'robbed' by their finish… A place famous throughout the UK for being a scum hole and got beaten by somewhere like Telford in it’s bid to become a s****y, erm.. sorry a city."

The town centre

Croydon's Town Centre stands no chance against the sharp-tongued reviewer (Image: UGC)

They describe the Whitgift Shopping Centre as: "a place that has more McDonalds, KFC’s and Burger Kings than any other place on the planet."

And then go on to mention the "chav-friendly" shops: "TKMaxx is handily situated close to these food outlets so one can combine the eating and fake Burberry shopping without walking too far." And "Lots of sport shops for the classic Nike trackie bottoms and Reebok classics combo, and many 'up-market' clothes shops such as Budwals where you can buy Hackett, Nicholson and Lacoste gear at 'wicked' prices."

The nightlife

"Night-time is when Croydon really comes into its own", according to the reviewer.

They write: "The younger chavs are usually on their way home due to their curfew/electronic tags/time to feed the baby and this is when the older chavs (i.e: 15-20 yr olds) decide to descend on the Croydon 'strip'."

Remember the Blue Orchid? (Image: Fergus Burnett)

Goose on the Market and McKluskeys get a mention: "Croydon has a long road full of classy establishments such as the Goose on the Market... and McKluskeys."

As does Blue Orchid (RIP) : "Last but not least there is the infamous Blue Orchid nightclub which has people from as far and wide as Bromley, Streatham, Sutton & Essex (!) queuing up to get in."

The trams

Leave off the trams already

Croydon's beloved trams are also dissed: "It’s even got Chav trams which are free to chavs until they get caught by the ‘gadgets’ (inspectors)!"

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And then finally rounds off with: "If anyone wants to see chavs in their natural environment and run the risk of getting mugged... or just plain 'dissed' then come down to Croydon."

But that's only after admitting he left two years ago: "I luckily managed to escape two years ago but I still travel back every so often just to get a bit of 'reality.'"

Well good riddance, we say.

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