In my last posts I talked a bit about my managed calorie diet and exercise plan I've been on and I must say, this last week and half has been ROUGH. I get really frustrated feeling like I have to spend my entire day logging my meals, planning my meals, preparing my meals, getting up the energy to exercise, and then exercising. This is not to say I don't feel better when I have a good day where I exercise the amount I'm suppose to or eat only good things but I wish I didn't have to dedicate so much time and energy to it. Isn't there another way, why does it feel like it has to either be something you don't think about or something you spend all your time thinking about? Granted I mostly eat at home and I mostly cook or prepare things that are easy to prepare or take 45 minutes at best. I work out between 25 minutes to an hour or more (depending on the day) but it still feels like my food and exercise plan eats up my entire day. How does this happen?

Granted, I am a person who is focused on food, I love food... I'm not ashamed to admit that I think eating good food (unhealthy or healthy because tasty food can fit into either category) is one of the best parts of life. I've met people who approached food as more of a necessity than a "YAY, nom time" but I don't understand those people. Sometimes I have days where nothing sounds good and other days every single thing sounds good. Well this week peanut m&m's sounded good, chocolate chip cookies sounded good, cheese sounded good, blue raspberry icee sounded good, and not drinking 8 glasses of water sounded good. To be fair most weeks all of those things sound good but this week it was really hard for me to drown out the little craving voices in my head. I'm not a huge water fan but I admit it does wonders for my skin and makes me feel pretty healthy and spritely but it also makes me run to the bathroom to an excess including waking me at least twice a night. It also feels like a chore caring around a water bottle everywhere I go and making sure I have enough ice and blah, blah, blah. I know one bad week does not ruin a long term goal but I'm honestly not very good at sticking at long term goals, I hate that I struggle with reaching long term goals to the extent that I do but admitting to something is a good step I suppose?

I don't know. Today has been a better day (so far) even though I've had a soda but I don't think it would be realistic for me to cut out coca-cola cold turkey. I really detest diets that totally eliminate all of the "bad" things because it is not realistic. I have to wonder though, am I doing something wrong or am I just having a bad week? Hell, if it was easy everyone would do it, right?

Well, I have to go fill my water bottle and I can barely hold back my excitement for my weight lifting, treadmill using, and wii fitness doing I have planned for later today....

One last thing before I go, does anyone else find that the time using a treadmill/elliptical goes by at a ridiculously slow pace? I can turn on music, put on tv, or watch a movie while walking on my treadmill and I still find myself glancing down at the time finding that only seconds have gone by. Why does it go by so freakin' slow? It is honestly a minor miracle when I use one of these machines longer than 30 minutes because I find it so freakin tedious. Perhaps I should put tape over the time while I use the machine?

I can't. stop. watching. Dark Shadows (yes, the Tim Burton movie). This problem is probably exacerbated by HBO programming. Thanks a lot HBO, there goes another soul you have riddled with addiction!!

Poll time: Are you a rock and roll or a carpenter's chick?

My main question here is who doesn't have a penchant for woodworkers?! You know what they say, those who can work wood.... I'm just sayin'. See, I just implied that shit. Boobs made out of glass ARE love, right Barnabas. No question mark, it is not needed.

In other news, not related to Dark Shadows, my time has come.... I've joined a gang, two in fact. You will find me on a train in the 80's
wearing a red leather vest and a thin and intimidating scarf tied around
my neck.

Oh, and I'm stealing that bitch Babysitters gloves.

"Alright
baby, chill out, shit".

Are
kids out of school yet? I need to know whether or not they'll be on my
routes. That and I also want to avoid them at all costs, they are sticky
and annoying (most, ok, most are sticky). Stickiness, the kryptonite of train gang members.Ugh, I really don't want to work out today. I pity the Wii's eyes (or eye so to speak) because if I am forced to do it I will give it the finger entirely too much.I must also thank the inventor of the air conditioning, 80 degree weather and I don't like one another. I hate sweating without a purpose...

Current guilty pleasure: I wish I could say I had one but Saturday was my cheat day and I barely got to cheat, it was not the good times I had planned. I really wanted chocolate chip cookies but I never got around to making them. Look at that freakin' cookie, being all delicious and stuff...

Current nail color: Some sort of black with purple glitter, my toes are in serious need for repair (as always). I'm thinking of going with red or pink which is a bit out of the ordinary for me considering I almost always wear black with glitter.

Current playlist: Age of Consent - New Order / Dreams Never End - New Order / Let's Go (Nothing for me) - New Order / Nights in White Satin - The Moody Blues / Revelation Revolution - Rob Zombie / Theme for the Rat Vendor - Rob Zombie / Ging Gang Gong De Do Gong De Laga Raga - Rob Zombie (I was not typing all of that...) / The Girl who Loved Monsters - Rob Zombie / Smells like Nirvana - Weird Al

Current drink: Water, water, and more water. I couldn't find any mint at the grocery store, I wanted to make raspberry mint water. That reminds me, I need to get a muddler. I am, however, drinking my water out of a really cute cup.

Current food: Grapes and 4 Cinnamon Sugar Cookie Chips. So far all of the cookie chip flavors are delicious.

Current Favorite TV Show: Oddities, I have to visit that shop. Mad Men. GoT, of course. Beetlejuice Cartoon Season 1.

Current needs: My motivation to return, I had a really shitty night Friday and I was in a state for most of Saturday as well.

Current triumphs: Working out 3 days this week, I plan on working out tomorrow as well to bring it to 4 days. I'm also amazed I'm already able to pull off some Pilates moves with ease, I'm getting stronger!

Current bane of my existence: My new scale. I've weighed myself at 4 separate places and the scale I bought says I weigh more than every single other number I saw. I saw the number and started crying for a long while. *sigh* I'm not going to give up, I know weight is just a number but I've been working my ass off (not literally since there is still so much ass to go around... that sounds wrong). It just made me feel really disheartened, I have a long ass journey ahead of me.

Current celebrity crush: Henry Cavill, always and forever, that man is stunning. I can't imagine walking around being that gorgeous...

Since my last entry I have been up to good things, after my birthday I decided to start a new lifestyle change that includes exercise and eating right but I probably need to start from the beginning. In September I went to a Doctor's office I use to go to before I I
moved and the Doctor totally ignored the problem I was there for (that had nothing to do with my weight, by the way) and
lectured me about my weight gain. I knew I had gained weight but I had
no clue it was 75lbs, I never weighed myself. 75lbs in 4 1/2 years. She had a
reason to speak up but she was really rude about it, she made me feel like I walked in the office with the plague. I cried when I
got home for a long while. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable in my last
living situation that I never wanted to use the kitchen so I ate a lot
of crap and tried to make myself as invisible as possible by not making very much noise. Even still I had no idea that I gained 75 lbs and I wasn't small to begin with. I was really embarrassed that I had let myself get that out of shape. It didn't help me feel more comfortable after my one roommate that I didn't get along with told me how fat I was after asking for me dating advice. Honestly my reaction was "thanks for the continuous feelings of welcome, fuck face".I knew I had gained weight and was sensitive about it, I was afraid my fiance would leave me because of my size. I was shy about hanging out with friends who I know would notice my weight gain.

Around October I moved and started eating more healthy but
not super consistently, using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I was eating. It didn't feel like it was working so I stopped using it for a few
months around February but then around my Birthday I saw pictures of myself
at my birthday party and knew I had to get off my ass. The next day I
just decided to cut back on soda (my kryptonite), start working out
regularly, keep track of what I eat, and allow myself one cheat day. I honestly don't know where the motivation came from or what came over me (I just hope I don't stop), It's partially determination to prove to myself that I can do it. It has only been six weeks since I've officially started this whole journey but 6 weeks is incredible for me.

I am trying to learn to quit letting the things people have said and done to me in the past throw me into a state of depression and bad choices. I am trying to stop giving them any power over how I feel about myself. I've had family members say I was lazy and a quitter. I've had my weight in the past, that wasn't even that substantial, be treated as more serious than a learning disability. I've struggled with wondering why my siblings all get to be naturally thin and I have to account for every morsel that enters my mouth. I've struggled with wondering why I feel like I am punished because I don't like to play sports for fun. How annoying it is to feel like I have to wear leggings and cardigans with everything to cover my body, even when I'm sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather and feeling super miserable. I've had random children tell me I was fat, friends comment on how bad my cellulite was, and when I was dating have guys tell me they'd date me/I'd be perfect if I was thin.

I honestly see myself as having a pretty decent amount of self esteem, I know I am not everyone's cup of tea but I also know I am a damn good cup of tea. Most of the time I think "fuck em' if they don't like who I am, I will find someone who does" but it still stings. I know I'll never be a size 0 and I honestly don't want to be because it would be impossible, I can't change what my natural body type is. I'm not petite, I'm 5'9" and when I was a size 10 my hip bones protruded, even then people told me I was fat. It is still difficult feeling like I am rejected for being overweight or that I'm not good enough because of my weight or that I was allowed to be a punching bag because I was larger. I tend to turn to food for comfort and affection that I didn't get in my life. Luckily, my life is so different now, my fiance and friends are so amazing to me. I know my fiance loves me regardless of my size but it is really hard to cancel out all the negative feedback I've received in my life. I'd love to love my body completely.

I've struggled with my weight in one capacity or other my entire life, I honestly remember being uncomfortable in a Halloween costume when I was a little girl (6 or 7 years old) and I was a pretty thin child. But around the time when I was 10 years old (I think I was about 9 or 10 in this picture of me as a kid) I started gaining weight and growing breasteses and my friends started treating me differently. I don't know if I was acting differently because I was more insecure or if they were shying away from me because I was gaining weight or what. Around the time when I was 12 years old my friends completely shunned me and I had no friends for a good year, it was a lonely year and I turned to food and video games (inactivity) for comfort. I formed some pretty bad habits and I'm just now trying to change them.

On my Birthday when my fiance officially asked me to be his future bride when I was crying I also kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to marry me because I honestly lived so much of my life feeling like I would never be enough, that I'd never be good enough. When I turned to see everyone was staring at me I explained to them that I honestly thought that this day would never come because I thought no one would ever want to marry me with my skin that is scarred from having acne as a teenager, my light eyelashes and eyebrows, my jiggly arms and thighs. In the first picture (top picture), taken about two weeks ago, it is a huge deal that part of my upper arm is showing. I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now and he still has barely seen my arms, that is how insecure I am about them.

What am I doing to get in shape? Using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise. I can't stress how much of a help myfitnesspal has been, I recommend it to anyone, not just those who are looking to lose weight. I used all sorts of "pay" diet plans in the past and they never worked for me and in turn I felt more depressed because I had wasted money and time.

I bought a water bottle and a Brita water pitcher that has been a huge help, I feel like my body is slowly starting to get accustomed to drinking the 6-8 glasses of water. I was having to run to the water closet every 30 minutes but I finally seem to be getting use to it. I've cut back on soda, allowing myself one a day IF I want it but I'm trying to get to the point where I only drink it on special occasions (last week I think I had 3 total). I buy lots of frozen vegetables and fruit, obviously fresh is better but it is hard to eat it all before it goes bad. Buy the big bags of apples, oranges, lemons (for flavoring water and meals), and whatever else you like. One of my favorite snacks is a cut up apple (I swear it tastes better cut up) with a tablespoon of biscoff spread, it tastes like an apple tart. Buy lots of nuts (hehe, nuts. I will never ever grow up): my favorites are whole and sliced almonds, pine nuts, and walnuts. Buy salad mixes, the darker green the better, they taste better anyway. One of my favorite lunches is a salad (arugula, radicchio blend) with a homemade lemon honey vinaigrette (super simple) some oranges, some parmesan cheese, and some pine nuts. It is honestly good. I am trying to use less granulated sugar and more honey but I'm not certain if that is better it just feels better. When I'm making dinner I try to make a portion for one person and then divide it amongst my fiance and I because I have a tendency to go back for seconds when I make a large meal. Oh, and smoothies. I absolutely adore my ninja blender and strawberry smoothies, they are delicious, use honey instead of sugar to sweeten it. I get really bored with food so I try to mix it up as I see fit but my staples are rice (just don't over do it), parmesan cheese (I LOVE parm), fresh apples or oranges, frozen strawberries, frozen broccoli, frozen asparagus, and chicken breasts. Oh, and more importantly, eat three times a day and eat healthy snacks when you're hungry. I honestly have a hard time with this.

For working out I've been doing YouTube videos (Pop Pilates is one of my favorites), and video game fitness stuff. I use the Wii and do tennis, boxing, and whatever that fitness one is called. The kickboxing/boxing and free run is a lot of fun. That's what I've
mainly been doing besides walking either outside/shopping/or treadmill and a lot of them are fun! Oh, and get
some free weights from Target/Walmart. I am looking to get some larger weights here soon. Almost everything I'm doing I can do at home which is perfect for me because like I said I am a bit of a loner, I don't like crowds, and I burn really easily but I'm looking to start getting out more often.

Add me on myfitness pal - rachelrrl. Also download the apps "Moves" and "Fitocracy", they are really great.

Well, wish me luck. I have lost 13.6lbs since my crappy Doctor appointment in September and I have a lot more to go.

*I had to correct myself because I had used two separate scales that were inaccurate that lead me to believe that I had lost 37 lbs when in reality I've only lost 13.6 thus far. It was disappointing but what can ya do but keep going. *

Man, it has been awhile, how is everyone? My apologies for the major delay in blogging, I originally took a break so I could work on fixing my blog (or telling my fiance to, whateves) but that hasn't happened so hopefully everyone can overlook the issues for now.

First off, I have to mention my birthday because it was one of my best birthday's of my lifetime. My birthday is at the end of April and my fiance surprised me with a fantastic surprise birthday party with so many of my favorite people. I felt so loved, I finally realized how much support and how many friends I actually have. I'm a bit of a loner in truth and I lived most of my life with a very small handful of friends, I struggle with trust issues from some truly shitastic experiences in my youth and it really felt amazing to have so many people who I know I can trust and be my foul mouthed, dirty minded, oddball self with. I got so many cute gifts, yes, including Monster High.

My birthday got even better when at the end of the night my fiance surprised me with a box that ended up having one major surprise in it:

I had no idea what this gift would be when I first started opening the box but it seems that everyone else seemed to have an idea because everyone gathered around me. I'm not sure if I started crying (*sigh* so damn cliche) before I opened the box with the ring or after but yes, tears were shed. I said yes and come to find out, my (now official) fiance had the ring for awhile now he says, he said he was waiting for the perfect opportunity.

Isn't it pretty? The Mister did good.

It was a truly magical Birthday. Since then there has been other huge developments, Jason got me another really awesome Birthday present (pictured below) and after seeing some unflattering pictures taken at my Birthday I decided to get off my ass and change my eating habits and start working out regularly. It has been 6 weeks and I'm doing well! Last week I worked out 6 days and didn't go over my calories with the exception of my one allotted cheat day. I plan on making another post all about that but I've had some progress and I feel fucking fantastic.

Shiny new walking machine, yay and yay. I'm a spoiled girl because not only that but I've gotten a few new things for the house and the joy that is the free phone upgrade (the iphone is finally mine).

New console table, new sparklified plant, new couches, new iphone, and new iphone case!

I hope everyone is doing well and in my next post I'm going to talk all about my lifestyle changes. Stay classy, whale vaginan's (get it? No, I just dirty? Otay).