Do you do too much?

I am overwhelmed. Like Tina Fey, I have stress-induced canker sores in my mouth. I am not sleeping well. I drink a lot of coffee.

Here’s the thing: I have it easier than 99% of people on Earth. I am not fighting in a war or working in a sulfur mine or begging on the street. But, man, am I burned out.

It’s not a news flash that women are often burned out by the multiple demands of work, motherhood, friend, wife and daughter, but sometimes stereotypes come home to roost.

What gets me is the collection of little things: register son for school or lose the spot; remember to invoice last two freelance jobs; throw baby shower, 40th birthday party and double fifth birthday party in one month; bring barbequed chicken to preschool party; write essay about kidney donation; buy Oliver new Crocs; weed garden before baby shower; order and pick up tamales, go grocery shopping, etc, etc.

Every single month the Mister and I look at our calendar and vow not to schedule so many things. And every month, we schedule more things. Between us we serve on three boards and spend at least six hours a week at our kids’ preschool. He runs a business. I work under deadline. We have friends we like to see. In some ways we are crushed under the weight of things we WANT to do.

But boy, do I sometimes long for some quiet, unscheduled time, and a life without so many obligations.

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yes, we have it easier than many other moms in the world. we don’t have to worry about how to feed our kids, whether our daughters will be raped, or if our sons will get forced to fight and die in local conflict. We dont’ have to worry about major childhood diseases or whether or kids will be illiterate for the rest of their life and stuck in the same poverty hell-hole that they grew up in.

Instead we worry about vaccination, the best preschools, and whether our kids are getting enough “stimulation”. We worry about fat content, whether everything that goes into our kids mouth is organic, and if we are disciplining too much or not enough. We worry about what other parents think of us and whether our kids have the best toys/books/clothes/vacations.

And we think that our life is easier. But I’d venture, that while most of us are lucky enough never to experience seeing our child killed, maimed, or go hungry, we still have a very difficult road to travel. In third world countries, if your child is alive, then you are a good parent. If you child is killed, it’s usually out of your control, so it’s not really your fault. Where we live, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to make the “best” parenting choices every single time, and there are no right answers that apply to every single child. And you won’t know if you “succeeded” until decades later when your kids are grown.

Anu Sachdeva

Oh my! You just said what I feel like. At right this moment, I am: Working at my job, Surfing, reading and commenting on Facebook posts, looking for car insurance, looking for a hotel for our Summer trip, keeping an eye out for a 10th anniversary weekend trip, reviewing the budget for my Kindergartners’ school, making signs for the flea market that I am chairing for the spring fair for our preschooler’s school, eating lunch..
Never mind that I still haven’t done taxes ! or HSA account reimbursements, haven’t had a haircut since I left San Francisco in August! Have three boxes of shoes to return to Zappos because Arman is in between sizes in Crocs…
phew…

Auntie Cynthia

Okay, I know this is totally irrelevant but I have to say…you’re so pretty! xo

It’s SO true … I think, like you said, that it’s all the little things that kill us. We can handle the Big Tasks – like keeping the kids fed and bathed or paying the mortgage. It’s having to remember to buy toilet paper, transfer a credit card balance, and return library books that sends us off the deep end.

Last summer, my beau and I took a 4 day trip to Acadia ME. No laptop & very little cell phone connection. It was glorious. There is something about getting away from the endless chatter of all those To Do’s that was like ambrosia. We felt like new people – and all because we stepped off the treadmill for a few days. Maybe we don’t need the actual vacation … maybe if we can just train ourselves to put that LONG list of niggling things-to-do off our plate for a day or even an evening … maybe we could reap some of those benefits.
Maybe?

Worth a shot, right?
🙂

Beth

I have a very high stress job. Keep you awake at night at least once a week high stress job. So I’m pretty militant about keeping the rest of my life simple.

I don’t serve on boards, I don’t volunteer for things that interfere with family time, I just don’t commit to many things at all.

On weekends, I’m out of the house most of the time doing “stuff” but none of it is obligatory stuff so it’s not stressful to me. If I wake up with nothing particular on the agenda and we decide to go hiking, that feels relaxing to me. If I put hiking on the calendar to meet up with someone else, that feels like an obligation to me.

As for keeping all the little things straight, I’ve used the flylady system for years and love it. If you aren’t familiar, google it. It keeps me organized and gives me a realistic housekeeping schedule.

Joyce Slaton

Dear Samantha — being in a co-op preschool is half the problem. : ) You know I love LHNS but my life improved/eased a LOT this year with the girl gone 6 hours a day and my volunteer committment reduced so much.

I don’t think I do too much right now. I work full time, have a 9 month old, 20 weeks along with my second. And so I do all the stuff that comes with that – dropping off daughter picking up daughter cooking shopping bills diapers formula OB appointments ultrasounds blood tests peeing in cups waking at 8 am on the weekends because she’s up visiting or calling my sweet wonderful completely overbearing octogenarian mother in law etc. And yet I don’t feel as if I do too much, and if I have a secret, it’s this – I simply don’t do what I don’t HAVE to. If something comes up and I think “oh maaan f— that s— dude!” I don’t do it. If on a certain day that includes not doing the dishes, so be it. I find a lot of the things that come up are things I WANT to do and not things I HAVE to do. So I look at my limits – at what WON’T make me insane. I schedule doctor’s appointments in the evenings and on weekends. My wonderful husband picks up or drops off also and he folds clothes and other house stuff that he’s getting much better at. Naturally my ability to Do More Stuff All The Time has expanded exponentially since becoming a mom. But I’m not going to push it. I’m pregnant and when I’m done with that I’ll be the mom of a toddler and a newborn. O_O I guess I’m getting ready to blow things off 🙂

SparkingBat

UGH! I’m so tired of this over-worked, over-stressed, over-scheduled mom-complex so many of us have. Aren’t YOU the one doing the scheduling? Aren’t YOU the one making the decisions? If you can’t handle all you’ve signed up for, the DON’T SIGN UP FOR IT!

Life isn’t really as complicated as so many people claim it is. I think SO much of this stress is born from comparing ourselves to other moms. I do the best I can for my girls and my husband. And if mama-Jane down the street doesn’t think it’s good enough, I couldn’t care LESS! I don’t care how many activities her kids are in. I don’t care what she feeds her kids. I don’t care how other people live their lives!! My family is healthy, happy and kind – what more could I ask for?

I think if everyone took a second to slow down and just breath, we’d find that much of what we stress about isn’t worth it 🙂

I can see what commenter #8 is getting at but I don’t think this post reads like the post of a competitive mom. Instead, the blogger just has a ton of stuff she needs and wants to do. I feel similarly. We’re moving this summer and there is just a ton of stuff to get done. Also, we’re in a cooperative preschool and it requires a lot of effort, answering emails about small things, working at the school, etc. A lot of our favorite things in life require quite a bit of effort. I’m constantly striving to pare things down. I think we’ll get there eventually.

BelleTower

Yes, I am also exhausted and without reason … I have a live-in housekeeper for crying out loud. She does all of the things that make life tiring (cleaning, laundry, dishes, cooking) and yet I am really worn out. I have three small children and am pregnant … I handle all of the details of keeping our family running … schools, activities, social calendar, home organization, wardrobe planning which in our house is full time work : ). I plan parties and remind my husband of our friends’ names … fetch the mail, design and mail the Christmas cards, the invitations, handle rsvps (with three children, this is no small matter).

I’m sure most of you are doing double time, but you are no more tired at the end of the day. Still, I have only respect for moms who truly “do it all”! BRAVO!!!!

My philosophy is that life is just hard, no matter who you are, no matter how much you have. I don’t judge anymore … believe me, there was a time I would have scoffed at a woman like myself with full time help and no “real job”. Not anymore. I admire all women who manage to be good mothers, in spite of the specifics of their lives.

Tracie

I definitely do too much because my husband works @ 100 hours/week. I am on my own with 2 kids, 2 puppies and the house. I do it all because I have to. Hubby sits at a computer all day. I run around all day and put in about 125 hours/week. Then he doesn’t understand why I’m so tired when he’s “the one who’s working all day.” Where’s my rusty fork??? Grrrr.

SleeplessinSummerville

If you are serious about reducing your stress by reducing your obligations, I would start by talking with your husband about it. If you two put your heads together, you can figure out exactly WHY you are overscheduling yourselves. Perhaps each of you thinks that they are the only one making plans. And then you talk about it and find that you’ve each booked the family to do as much as you can reasonably do, so now you’re booked X 2. Or maybe it’s that you both belong to so many boards (6 altogether, if I read you right) and so there is a constant stream of people asking, suggesting or hinting that they “need” you guys to do things and you are actually turning down as many requests as you feel comfortable turning down. In that case, the solution is to quit some of the boards. I’m not saying quit all of them, but you really can’t do everything you did before you had kids after. If you still feel passionately about helping those organizations, they can have your time again in about 10 years when your kids won’t want you around anymore anyway 🙂 There are a million and one completely awesome things you can be doing that you would like to be doing and it may be hard to accept that you can’t do anywhere near all of them right now. Anyway, those are just my ideas. Talk to him and discuss together what you can cut and don’t go into it with the idea that nothing can be cut. Your life cannot be an endless chore/obligation list.

Lia

I am Greek. Here we call mom MANA. I always joke that I am not a Mana, I am a MANAger.
Managing baby life (the food, the clothes, the safety, the baths, the toys, the diapers stock…)
Managing the house (cleaning up, cooking, shopping groceries, and occasionaly do the handyman or having to call a handyman).
Managing my husband (his bils, his “don’t forget” list, his clothes, his papers, his books, his glasses, his mobile phone, where are-they, why doesn’t he ever know where his stuff is? are all men like that?).
Occasionaly, managing my self (my nerves sometimes, my doctor / dentist appointments not often enough, my hair salon appointments practically never)
Everyday, managing my work and my team. Not as efficiently as i used to, but still ok.

I am the MANAger.

Lia

And yes, this is too much. But what to do? As Betsy says, That’s my life right now 🙂

Amy

I can relate totally. I am not even working at the moment and still get stressed at the sheer amount of work it keeps to keep a family and household running–not even smoothly, just running. I left my very stressful job a month ago and am giving myself some time to recuperate and deal with the aftermath of losing my dad, and also to figure out where to put my daughter in school next year. I am planning a big family reunion next month out of state–I coordinated the whole thing, and another trip to Disneyland the month after. Yes, it’s all fun and good, but I’m 43 and tired. The thought of going back to work, which I will need to do soon–we are not wealthy and live in a very expensive city–is exhausting. Right now I kept my daughter home to be with me and we are planning to go to the science museum with her grandma. I’m just going to try and enjoy it.

Kristy

I totally feel your pain! Every year about this time…I’ve just had enough. A few years ago, I created a rule that no activities could be scheduled on weekends during the summer. So far so good. By the time school is out, we are all so burnt out that we are thrilled to have our weekends free. Rather than running the kids to dance, swimming, Sunday school…we get together with friends and hang at the pool, we picnic in the park, play in the sandbox…It’s wonderful!

Ashley F

Though I am a SAHM, it never seems like I get alone time. My baby is asleep and my toddler is playing in her room right now. I’m on here trying to destress (it’s been one of THOSE days already)…

I’m supposed to be going to a 100th bday party in TWO HOURS and don’t have a thing to wear. My last good pair of pants has a paint ring on the backside where I say on a paint bucket to feed my baby the other day. All of my other pants are too small (pre-pregnancy) too big (before I could keep up my maturnity pants) or have a missing button and I can’t find my needle and thread. On top of that, my boyfriend and I are trying to fix up a house, paying double bills, will be going without a lease at our apartment for a month, and still have to clean the house out. We still need to fix the electricity, the sewage, the shower plumbing, replace part of the floor, paint two more rooms, finish all four of the rooms we’ve worked on, keep the yard up so we don’t get tickets…. Oh, and my baby is two months behind on vaccinations because her old doctor is horrible at getting patients in on time. She’s also either sick or something is making her stomach upset. My toddler…I won’t even get into that. I wouldn’t know what to do with a full-time job!

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