Archive for the tag “Self-esteem”

On a past date that I will forever classify as the WORST DATE EVER and that I personally refer to as ‘date with that guy who threatened to throw acid in my face‘ I was slewed with a plethora of insults and attempts at defaming my character.

I may at some point make an entire post dedicated to the horror that was that date. But for today, I want to focus on his accusations that I was:

stuck up

vain and…..

self-entitled

Now granted, much thought shouldn’t be given to the ramblings of a crazy man. But I was particular intrigued by the fact that these false assumptions of my character were all formed based on my physical appearance.

See throughout the date there was constant references to my ‘pretty face.’ And even when he threatened to assault me with acid..it was promised to be thrown specifically in my face. And even when he said he would show up at my apartment and beat the crap out of me…it was particularly so he could ‘fuck up my face.’ But what was especially telling was when he described himself. He was absolutely certain my rejection of his offer to move in with him (yes this was the FIRST date) or at the very least allow him to perform cunnilingus, was all due to the fact that he was a vertically challenged dark-hued man (ie short and extremely dark-skin) I found this accusation to be amusing because 95% of the guys I’ve had a crush on or dated since kindergarten have been of a darker pigment. Probably due to my love for my father who is also of a darker complexion and my quest to find a husband that matches his hero like quality.

My thing is…this ‘man’ immediately assumed that my repulsion of him had everything to do with the fact that I thought I was too pretty for him AND nothing to do with the fact that he acted like an ass the entire date and simply put…nothing about him was impressive.

This date was a classic example of how someone’s perception of you, says way more about them than actually of you. His perception of me was directly related to how he viewed himself and the things he obviously hated about himself. This, my lovely readers, is why I encourage everyone to take some time to explore and fall in love with them themselves first before entering the dating world. Developing self-worth and self-love is the first step in building a solid foundation for a successful love life.

The 4th grade diva!

In the fourth grade I heard on Oprah (yes I was addicted to Oprah at the age of 9) that when you think of yourself a certain way, others would then see you in that light. Or at least… it was some advice along those line. I became determined to test the theory. Truly, I just wanted to see if thinking of myself as pretty for a few days would cause my class crush to find me irresistible. So the next day I walked into class confident and telling myself that I was the best thing since slice bread. And guess what? It worked! Not only did my crush spend lunch time playing with me, but multiple other boys complimented me in one way or the other 🙂

My point?

Recently I’ve been thinking about how my self-perception has changed over the past few years, especially since my teenage years. Growing up I always felt odd around others my age. I was too tall, with a waistline too big, gigantic boobs and ass that often got inappropriate response from grown men. I had acne that was so severe adults would stare. Needless to say, my self-esteem was very low. But now at the age of 26, my friends would chuckle at the idea of a low self esteem version of me. They often tease me for being too vain and over confident! Little do many people know, that my sometimes boastful expressions and confidence are often just tools in helping me to build my self esteem. Its utilizing that theory I heard on Oprah all those years ago. Before anyone else can see my beauty, I must first see it myself. Everyone has beautiful qualities…some are internal and others are external. Thinking of myself in a positive way helps me to not be afraid to show others what I have to offer.

My hope is that everyone reading this will be brave enough to test this theory. Love yourself boldly and watch how the world falls in love with you.

Lately,I’ve been seeing a lot of articles about how awesomeintroverts are

and hilarious commentary about the problems introverts face.

Now I think that it is well fine and dandy. I mean hooray for the exposure this underrated group is getting.

The more people understand the group, the more accepting people will be

of their quirks and they will no longer be labelled names like

“anti-social”

“stuck up”

“weird”

But what I have been noticing in these articles and in the comment sections, is a superiority tone.

It may be subtle (i mean they are introverts…can’t expect bold 😛 ) but it is there.

Comments that suggest that because they enjoy being by themselves…

that they therefore love themselves more than extroverts.

Or

because they spend more time in their heads….

it means that they are “deeper thinkers.”

Or

because they might read more books…

it means that they are more intelligent.

NO! STOP IT!

As someone who have been labelled an introvert for most of my life but who has become a self proclaimed Ambivert (don’t know what it is? Google it!)…..I’m beyond tired of the debate and the judgement that seems to come along with it. Neither trait trumps the other!

And instead of these new articles taking on a fresh angle…

they resort to the same old playground games of screaming that

“I’m better than you na na na boo boo” crap!

Being an introvert simply means, that individual gets energy from within

My niece just experience this recently and it got me and my sister talking about our experiences.

It was the April before my 11th birthday and I was up late one night with my brother and my older female cousin.

I was wearing a white underwear and one of my dad’s old t-shirts.

YUP i remember a lot of details about that night. I was so excited. It was like a confirmation that I was now a big girl 🙂

By that time I had already been wearing a bra and I was taller than most of my grown female cousins. Like most young girls…I just wanted to be older.

It wasn’t a surprise to me. My mom had suspected it was coming soon so she and my aunt had the talk with me about what to expect. I remember my aunt showing me how to put on a pad and then she even gave me my own pack. I guess this explains my own feelings of responsibility of informing my niece of the need-to-know stuff.

See for me this day was a positive experience and I believe it shaped my overall openness and how comfortable I am with matters such as sex and my body.

All too often this day is met by many with uncertainty, surprise and embarrassment because they were never informed. Many of these women then unfortunately look at their periods as The Curse that is to be dreaded every month. They fail to realize the amazing mechanics behind it and that it means that they are now physically (though absolutely not mentally or emotionally) ready to bring forth life and that one day they will be able to bare that miracle.

As a result of open communication about it, my niece had a look of excitement on her face when she shared her special news. She was fully prepared and was not scared or embarrassed. Me and my sister even made it extra special by creating a gift bag full of girly goodies such as nail polishes, lip gloss and teen magazines.

I have come to accept that dating is really like going on an interview. You get asked similar questions like

“Tell me a about yourself?”

“Where do you see yourself in the future?”

and while this might not be a question asked out right, it is one that is expected to be answered by the end of the date ” What can you bring to this relationship?”Essentially you are selling yourself and I am no good at that. Hence why the scariest thing to me about graduating from college, is the fact that I will have to go on interviews for jobs.

The entire process is nerve wrecking for me. I never have the right answers to those questions. I get quiet, shy, forget to smile and don’t let my personality show. Apparently all of which is a no no when it comes to having a successful date (and interview)

So at this point, i’m contemplating having prepared and approved answers going into my next date. This way I can respond in a witty way that answers the question while displaying my playful side. Something that is completely non threatening seeing that apparently I come across as being too strong and too intellectual.

No I’m not talking about dumbing myself down or changing who I am as a person. But improving my dating skills. And to me that includes being mindful of how I come across to other people and seeing where I can make adjustment. Because of course…I have many flaws!

Hopefully with practice, I’ll be able to iron out my dating technique.

I’ve lately got in the habit of making lists. Especially ones regarding relationships.

I’ll admit that this is largely due to fear. See I’ve been in far too many relationships that ended badly.

And yes while hindsight is a bitch, everything truly could have been avoided if I just took the time to

consider all the things about this guy that I knew would eventually drive me crazy and all the things he was doing wrong.

Not to just point out his flaws, but to see how it measured up to my list of positive things, which usually was none existing or consisted of “He is a nice person!”

I have a tendency in relationships to ‘let things play themselves out’ or not wanting to quit until I have no other option. But the truth of the matter is….in EVERY relationship I have been in, there were ALWAYS signs of what was to come within the FIRST MONTH.

So given this realization, I took great effort to take note of all the flaws that I noticed in a new guy I had just met.

And as soon as he did something I thought was a no-no, I had no qualms about letting him go.

But a few short days later, after sharing and swapping dating horror stories with a friend I realized…that dude that I so quickly tossed to the side was not even half as horrible as 100% of the guys I had dated in the past.

I was so focused on making sure that I took note of his negatives, I completely forgot to take note of his positives

Now while I still stand by my decision to let that guy go because frankly he wasn’t the right one, I do want to use it as a learning experience for the next guy.

Yes sometimes its true that we enter relationships already with the mindset that this guy will be the one. So we ignore all the warning signs and quickly justify all his wrong doings because we are so desperate to make this guy fit into the fantasy we already have in our heads.

But sometimes the opposite happens. In my case, I am so jaded and damaged with baggage that I fail to properly see whats a good relationship from whats a bad one.

I guess my hope is that with all this writing and list making I will achieve growth and self-improvement. Because to truly work on my issues, I have to first admit to having them.

A navy blue bodycon miniskirt and a orange crop top that showed my belly button

That’s the outfit I left my apartment wearing last Friday night.

It was a warm Georgia night, it was was easy to throw these on and besides I was heading to a house party afterall.

Miniskirts and crop tops are items of clothing I wear all the time. But always individually NEVER together.

The reaction, at least to me, was surprising.

I suddenly had the attention of guys that never looked twice in my direction when I’m dressed in my usual layers.

But instead of feeling sexy or in anyway more attractive, I felt dirty and downright offended!!

I am so much more than my thighs, hips, butt and tits.

But even more so I had this fear of being grouped. That these guys had cataloged me with other girls that wear miniskirts and crop tops. Because in their minds and apparently in mine as well, this was the uniform of whores/easy/down-to-fuck girls.

AND I did not want to be associated in anyway to that group.

MY POINT?

The way you dress greatly influences how you are seen by others.

I guess this post is mainly a sort of admittance for me because its a well known saying but I have always denied its accuracy, choosing to believe that people were not as shallow as to judge based as something so artificial as clothing. But yet I do it!

Everyday day on campus when a female walks by me in 5 inch heels I JUDGE

If she wears booty shorts in winter I JUDGE

If you sitting in class and your boobs are hanging out I JUDGE

If her skirt is just long enough to cover her buttpeg and the black shadow under her ass is still exposed

I JUDGE

And if i’m a female, can you imagine what guys think?

My navy blue bodycon miniskirt and orange crop top sent the signal that I wanted my body to be glared at and that I didn’t mind sharing my curves with everyone else .

That a conversation with me could lead to sex.

None of these are signals I meant to send.

I guess from now on I will be more mindful of how I dress

and try to judge a little less harder next time I see a female wearing the whore uniform