Wanna lift nearly five decades of embargo? Wanna make the US your best friend? Wanna take photos of you and Georgie holding hands and smiling like lovers? Get those oil reserves on record, Raul. Time’s a-wasting.

Fidel’s a done deal. He’s old and sick and done for. As Brother Raul, you’re in charge and the barbs are out. Every US presidential candidate will take the Bush lead and aim at your brutal rule, your political prisoners, your embrace of communism, and your refusal to follow our extraordinary example of democracy and freedom.. And, for the record, Florida has twenty-five electoral votes in play, Raul. Deal with it.

Better still, repent and be loved.

Take a lesson from the Saudis. They’re our best friends, Raul. Never mind that they sentenced a victim of a gang rape to 90 lashes for daring to speak to the press. Never mind that they convicted a woman of witchcraft after a confession obtained by torture. Never mind that they have no religious freedom at all, and never mind that just today the Saudi secret police arrested 37 men for …you guessed it….flirting!!!!

In case you're wondering, the men are accused of wearing indecent clothes, playing loud music and dancing in order to attract the attention of girls, but remember, Raul, they’ve got the oil. And where there’s oil we can control, human rights are irrelevant. That’s the American way.

Hey, Raul, you’ve got political prisoners languishing in your prisons. Not nice, so just stop it! Never mind that Saudis working for social change have been jailed for years with no access to counsel. Kind of like Gitmo, right? Just last year ten men, - lawyers, doctors, academics, a former judge were hauled away for their crimes against tyranny. They’re still in jail

But that’s okay, they’ve got the oil and you don’t. So there.

You’re close, Raul. Foreign interests are sniffing at your door. Spain, China, Argentina, India, China, Norway, and others are making deals with you as we speak. Don’t leave us out, Raul,, - we want to get in on the kill, but we have to know for sure. Repentance is revelation, Raul: get those studies done and show us what you have. If your oil reserves are what they’re suspected to be, all will be forgiven.

Barriers will fall, Raul. Diplomacy will arise from the ashes and the devil will be exorcised from your collective souls. And surely, love will follow.