Reconstructed

It was a surprise to have him home yesterday. SGM had decided to take the day off and help me move some rocks in the backyard. One of the many hidden treasures in this otherwise old and battered little ranch – a ridiculous amount of beautiful field stones, large and small, that we hadn’t noticed when we first came to look at the house. Over the last nine years since, I had constructed a small rock wall that flowed along the front and side of the house containing a garden that I had long dreamed of growing. Many late summer evenings spent tending to young blooms those first few years. I was so very proud of all I had created – all I had poured my heart and soul into.

But hard times had come.

Prolific weeds had crept in and overtaken nearly every inch of breathing room between each of my precious budding flowers. There just wasn’t any time or energy left at the end of the day to fight back. I might grab hold of a single leafy weed or two as I passed by, barely noting the blooms being choked all around. It was too painful to look more closely and recognize all that had been forgotten and neglected. I was tired. So tired.

Two Afghanistan deployments, 4q deletion, autism and family drama had choked the life out of my garden – out of me. Out of motherhood, marriage and church, too. There were days I felt hollowed and left to compost.

https://stimcity.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/01-dog-days-are-over.mp3Those Dog Days Are Over now. I have spent the last few months rebuilding, renewing. Everything. It started with a pile of rocks that I purchased three springs ago. Dumped at the end of our driveway, it took me more than two years to place the gravel in the garden beds one barrow-load at a time. Exhausting but rewarding work, it just took so much for me to find the energy among the chaos to get it done. But this summer was different. I was relearning what peace felt like. Rebuilding, renewing. Breathing. Relearning love, patience and quiet moments with my babies. Revisiting the love with my husband – what it felt like before and what made it new again.

Those weeds didn’t know what hit them.

The fury of which I ripped out the old and dying and replaced with new and exciting was dizzying. But oh, how it felt so good. Long summer days spent digging in the earth after countless hours wandering the local nurseries until I found just what I wanted to grow. What I wanted to grow.

It was an amazing summer. In so many ways.

The spaces between each of my precious buds are opened up once more, free breathing room to blossom. Space for roots to be nourished, leaves to grow lush and for petals to welcome the sun. As it should be.

Space in between my babies and me that can now be filled with sweet kisses and a thousand ‘I love you’s. I feel the love for my children more fiercely and softly than ever before. It hits me continuously like a freight train of feathers. Like the moment they came into this world, there is nothing else like it – every moment, every day. I can feel my heart once again booming, swelling, aching for them. As it should be.

Now lies space to be Me again. To be filled with time for reflection, personal pursuits and renewed confidence. To feel passion again for the sun on my face and the earth in my hands. I can breathe easy as I sway in the breeze with eyes closed and just daydream once again.

No more weeds. No more chaos. No more war.

All of which leaves me feverishly in love with the SGM. It’s a new love. It’s solid. It’s hot. It’s tingly and it fills me. More than just a tag-team that survived the last five years, we are in love. Madly.

Now that the gardens were tended to and made beautiful again, it was time to move forward. I was ready to build upon what I have and make it new again. I had always wanted to take the larger field stones and construct a fire pit. I dreamed of a relaxing space for us. Snuggling by a fire after a long autumn day of crunching leaves beneath giggly children’s feet.

So there we were, out in the yard working together to care for all we have built together over the years. Appreciating the old, moving on from the tired, and constructing what remains. Reconstructing from a solid foundation with an eye towards the future. A joyful future to be lived in each moment and savored like a fine wine.

Our new fire pit made of old stones is perfect. Last night after the children were tucked away, tuckered from a day spent in the yard and dinner served at the picnic table, SGM and I enjoyed the new Ranger TV. And I told him – there was nothing I could want for. I am so happy.

Thank you, My Love, for all of your hard work out in the yard with me this summer. Thank you for the strength and love you share. Thank you for each stone you labored over to reconstruct with me. What we have built and continue to grow is beyond blessed.

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About Rachel Kenyon

Rachel Kenyon is an Aspie, Advocate and single mom of two beautiful babes - The Boy (11) and RM (8). The Boy is a Legomaniac and RM is a kick-ass diva with Autism and 4q Deletion Syndrome.
View all posts by Rachel Kenyon

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 27th, 2011 at 11:57 am and tagged with 4q, army wife, autism and posted in Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

19 responses to “Reconstructed”

I just loved reading your post. So many families are ripped apart by Autism. I love my husband even more than 16 years ago when we went on our first date. I say “more” because of how we’ve survived the first few years of Autism. Our son was diagnosed 5 years ago and I think we only started to breathe again the last year or so. Your garden is the perfect metaphor for that rebirth of life. Your love for your family and life made me smile. Thank you.

Oh, sweet Rachel! I cannot wait to see your garden and be inspired. I am now where you described you were (did that make sense??). I know the end is in sight, but it feels like it will never get here. I long for the sense of ease (peace?) which it sounds like has settled around you now. I am so very happy for you. Love you.

I LOVE this post! I envy both the physical and metaphorical space that you’ve created. Like Niksmom, I see that light, but have yet to bask in its glory. But as you stated so eloquently, it’s all part of the cycle, the journey. Enjoy all of the fruits of your labor to the max. :)

I haven’t checked in with you in such a long time. I’m so glad you stopped by today so I’d come by and see THIS. It’s just such a great relief to read good news about your family. And to see all the beautiful things you’re building (not just with rocks).

my favorite post yet. there are so many things i love about this, and i am so happy that you’ve shared it with us. thank God that we can always rebuild, that things and spaces and places in our souls that seemed beyond dead can breathe again with new life. you, your marriage, your family are a beautiful testament to this. my heart is filled. love you.

[…] I do recall a slightly buzzed rendition of The Star Spangled Banner in the backyard out by the fire pit but I’m not naming names. Fine. It was me. But DEAR GOD, look at the size of the wine glass […]

[…] I do recall a slightly buzzed rendition of The Star Spangled Banner in the backyard out by the fire pit but I’m not naming names. Fine. It was me. But DEAR GOD, look at the size of the wine glass […]