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Today I’m over being positive

Pet Peeve #1 today: Facebook. I hardly post on there, but yesterday I did, and here is what annoys me. The minute you post something mildly negative everyone either A) jumps on the bandwagon or brings it to a whole ‘nother level of negative, or B) you get a gazillion pep talks and offers of prayer and hopeful little quotes. All I want to do is say one mildly negative thing, that’s it! And I don’t need anyone to comment, but if people do, then just say “yup” or “hear, hear” or “yeah I feel ya” or something else insipid and in agreement with me. I’m not looking for a deep connection on Facebook….in fact I’m not looking for anything on there, so why exactly do I have one?

Question to self: why do I have a facebook?Answer: so I can see what other people are doing.Q: if all I’m doing is being nosy on other people’s pages, then why am I posting?A: I’m not going to answer that, because then this Q & A with myself will go on forever

If posting on Facebook fulfills some superficial need of mine to be validated on the internet, can’t I just do that on my blog? Which blog? Oh yeah…this one that I never write on because everything I have to say just seems to fizzle out when I put my fingers on the keyboard….

I must say, I’ve placed an excellent emotional block on myself. I’m really quite impressed with my own skill at avoidance. I used to write in a journal with some level of frequency and I suppose that helped. But nowadays, I intellectualize everything. Naturally this coping mechanism appeals to me; I like to analyze and investigate. I like to think of fancy philosophies for handling “stuff” and ultimately it keeps me from getting my hands dirty on that “stuff” directly. I read this in The Sacred Wounds by Padma Aon Prakasha:

“The biggest fear here is thinking that the pain stored underneath the surface is too much for you to bear, that it will overwhelm you, that it will go on forever. You may have fears that some emotions are just impossible to feel, or that you may become engulfed and overwhelmed by their sensation, that it might be too big to handle, that you are not capable of feeling them.”

This is why I can’t write in my journal anymore, or why I don’t blog when I have one million things to say in my head. I can’t. It won’t come out. Life is just neater and prettier and easier to live without all that mess. And I need easy right now. What single mom doesn’t need easy? What single mom with a colossal ASSHOLE for an ex doesn’t need easy?

I’m fucking ANGRY. And I can’t be angry. It’s messy. (We already agreed we don’t like messy, right? Or did I just agree that by myself….?) And people everywhere say, “Now don’t say that. Don’t be that way. Don’t be bitter, that’s like swallowing poison and expecting it to poison your enemy instead of yourself.” Well thank you, you little Mandela paraphraser, whoever you are. That truly just enlightened me and solved all my problems and cured my anger issues and now everything is better.

I’m just ranting at myself. I think I blogged that little quote about bitterness a few months or weeks ago….You can’t pause-button your life and find time to deal with all the messy things. And people don’t really want to hear about it because on the outside looking in, it always looks like you’re just having a pity party anyway. People don’t really understand what it’s like in your shoes, and they’d always do it a bit different if it were them, tweak a little here, try this outlook instead. Whatever. I’m over it.

Today, I’m over being positive.

When it rains, I don’t mind being lonely, I cry right along with the skyWhen it rains, I don’t pretend to be happy, I don’t even have to tryWhen it rains, Some people get down, They’re sporting a frown, so I fit right inYeah, the sun may brighten your day but if I had my way, I’d take the rain