Posts Tagged ‘Nasa’

NAIROBI – An exclusive document obtained by The Anvil today proves that Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki was indeed born in the African nation he leads. Skeptics have long claimed that he is actually a rich, white businessman from the United States who exploited his family’s political connections to win office.

The mysterious document, known in media circles as “The Wikipedia Page,” not only identifies Kibaki’s birthplace as Gatuyaini, Kenya, it also provides paragraph after paragraph of information that is too boring to read. A photograph attached to the document, dated 2003, shows Kibaki meeting then U.S. President George W. Bush outside the White House, fueling speculation that, while Kibaki may not have been born in the United States, he has visited.

Some conspiracy theorists claim that the photograph was actually taken on the moon, where a mock-up of the White House exists for exactly these kinds of photo opportunities.

“NASA carts world leaders to the moon all the time,” says Pinky Middleton, founder of Luna-tix, a group demanding that the aerospace agency make moon-trip tickets available to the civilian public. “I don’t think my taxes should pay for government things if I don’t directly get nothing out of it.”

Middleton says he is using this year’s tax refund to turn his trailer into a moon rocket. “Next time Obama is up there shaking hands with some Swedish dude or whatever, I’m going to drop right in between them and moon everybody. Ha ha. Moon. I didn’t even get that ‘til just now.”

President Obama himself has been dogged by questions about his biological origins since he took office over three years ago, particularly since his mitochondrial DNA was traced back to southeastern Africa 200,000 years ago.

When reached by phone at his home office in Washington, D.C., President Obama told The Anvil, “Look. All modern humans’mtDNA can be traced back to Africa 200,000 years ago. So, you know, every president we’ve ever had came from Africa.”

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus responded to the President’s assertion by stating, “If we believed in evolution, we’d be mighty upset right now.”

MOSCOW – Engineers and scientists at the Russian Space Federation cheered wildly on Sunday when their $127 spacecraft, Czar Trek II, successfully smashed to pieces upon crashing into the Pacific Ocean. The impact was the culmination of years of planning, followed by a week of scrambling after the vehicle was unable to escape Earth’s orbit and head to its original destination, Mars.

“We had to go with Plan Б,” said Space Federation spokesman Dmitri Crashnikov at yesterday’s press conference. “We can’t go to Mars, so we study ocean. Anyway, Mars is boring. Ocean has lots of creatures.”

Some critics accused the Russians of cutting corners by using an old Atari game console to navigate the craft, while other critics say the new film in the Mission Impossible franchise, Ghost Protocol, is the best of the four.

Not everyone agrees.

“When was the last good movie about Mars?” asks film enthusiast and redneck Pinky Middleton, conflating two unrelated concepts from a previous paragraph. “Angry Red Planet from 1959? Meanwhile, there are tons of good movies about the Pacific Ocean, like The Abyss, and all those World War II films where we fought the Japs.”

Data from Russia’s Pacific Ocean probe is not expected to be transmitted, as the craft was obliterated on impact.

“You American are too – how do you say it – old fashioned,” says Crashnikov. “Always with boring data about rocks and more rocks. In Russia, we study splash.”

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Hey kids, why not head over to PFC to check out Why Did They Cancel the Leper Hockey Game?, my write-up of SyFy channel’s special effects reality show Face Off, which includes the usual digressions and perversions. Better yet, maybe adults should be the ones who check it out.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – 2011 was already shaping up to be the worst year on record for evil scumbags when it was learned yesterday that the asses of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Libyan fashionista Moammar Gadhafi, and North Korean hair model Kim Jong Il were all struck by the door on the way out. This despite repeated warnings from colloquial English speakers not to let it happen.

Discovery of the ass-hitting provided small consolation for those who believe the three men, all of whom died this year, did not suffer enough in passing.

“I’d like to have seen them dipped in honey and covered in fire ants, and then I would have watched as the ants slowly ate away at their flesh over several days, only to have someone come along and rub salt into their open wounds. But not enough to kill them, just enough to make them get all screamed out before someone else came along and ripped their finger nails off with pliers and then took a hammer and chisel to their teeth right before pouring boiling oil all over them and then, once they cooled off, sending in some baboons to rape them in the ears and eye sockets for fifteen hours,” said the Dalai Lama, a noted pacifist. “But I’ll take the ass smacking.”

Not everyone was so happy to hear the news.

“Evil took at hit in 2011, no doubt,” laments Pinky Middleton, owner of In Yo Face, Ltd., a company that sells novelty shooting targets featuring the likenesses of international villains. “I’m sitting a pile of inventory depicting people no one wants to pretend shoot anymore. Ah, well. Maybe Celine Dion will put out an album this year.”

The ass-hitting incident was discovered by NASA’s newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. It can also take soil samples.

In related but less-important news, NASA scientists discovered the meaning of life, the origin of the universe, and whether God exists yesterday using their newest rover, the Godbot3000, which can see the past, the future, and all planes of existence, including the afterworld, over infinite distances of time and space. Details are available on The Anvil Pro Edition, available now for a low introductory subscription rate of $39.99 per month.*

*put the money inside a stuffed giraffe and leave it behind the cardboard recycling dumpster across the parking lot from my apartment tonight. Don’t let anyone see you, especially NASA, though that’s a fruitless endeavor these days, isn’t it?

EVERYWHERE – News organizations around the world were left scrambling for a headline yesterday when nothing happened. It is believed to be the first event-free day since March 13th, 1845, when James Polk was president and the 51st anniversary of the cotton gin was still 24 hours away.

White House insiders speaking on condition of anonymity revealed that President Obama participated in a series of mundane meetings throughout the day, further frustrating online news editors desperate for scandal-driven clicks.

“My editor wanted me to write an article called ‘Humans continue to breath recycled air, despite the dangers,’ or one called ‘Sun STILL refuses to come out at night,’ which were bloody stupid ideas,” says militant fake news journalist Angry Pink Bunny. “I was going to stab him in the neck with an ice pick, you know, for something to write about, but he was at lunch.”

Not everyone agrees that yesterday was lacking in newsworthiness. Pinky Middleton, former president of the now-defunct Hair Club for Snakes, says, “The fact that nothing happened is something. It’s a philosophy thing. That’s like saying outer space is empty. No, it’s full of space.”

NASA spokesperson Jane Whatnow challenges Middleton’s assertion by claiming that the agency “looked at outer space with a really expensive telescope and found out that it’s actually full of Leprechaun cars.”

She cites the dearth of such vehicles on Earth as further evidence that space is not empty. “All those little greens cars went somewhere. Logic much?”

With the idiotic ramblings of a hairy-snake fetishist considered by many to be unworthy of quotation in a news article, it seems as if journalists will have to wait until tomorrow for a printable story. That’s when Elvis Presley is scheduled to descend from the heavens in a flaming gold space chariot and end all war, disease, famine, and mosquito bites for the next 5000 years. He will also be announcing the release of yet another greatest hits album with the same songs that are on all the others.

The Second Coming of Elvis or 5000-Year Reign of Terror? Find out tomorrow.

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Dearest darling Anvil readers.

Please check out my new Pure Film Creative post where I obsess about DEATH,

continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of art,

and prattle on about the usual stuff: Lindsay Lohan, zombies, and attemtped murder

We’d love to be making that announcement, but now that Trump and Huckabee have dropped out, the thrill is gone. Therefore, we have decided to announce something even bigger. Something that will forever change the way you view the news media in the information age:

The Anvil is changing its content.

For several months now, we have been boasting about our 300 million daily readers. This number was based on a careful assessment of clicks, comments, and total fabrication. Our accountant/bookie, Rocko, who is a wiz with numbers, was released from prison this week and, like a diligent employee, reviewed our stats. He said we are actually getting about 90 page views per day.

That is not enough.

Starting this week, The Anvil will begin expanding its offerings. Don’t worry, loyal readers, we will continue to bring you the latest breaking fake news, but we will also have a less restrictive format that permits other types of satire and as well as essays and observations. Hopefully a guest post or two.

Effective immediately, the ever-popular Lacy Thundercake is promoted to head writer. Lennie becomes contributing writer, and Eric J Baker is promoted to real person. Baker will be replaced on the news team by new contributing writer Robotman, who also created the universe and everything in it as a science experiment 13 billion years ago. See our staff page for more details.

Rest assured, The Anvil team will redouble its effort to entertain you. By our calculations, that means we will work four times harder.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This version updates an earlier edition that stated the planets in our solar system are lined up this month in anticipation of today’s announcement. NASA scientists now believe the planets are lining up for job applications with McDonald’s, which has begun backfilling positions lost during the recent recession.

Editor’s note: Today we’re taking a short break from hard-hitting investigative journalism to celebrate a very special anniversary here at The Anvil. We promise a prompt return to our usual unpleasantness in a day or two.

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The Anvil's first head writer, George Washington. He was also a U.S. President.

NEW JERSEY – The world’s OB (original blog), The Anvil, turns 250 years old this weekend, a span of time that saw vast improvements in broadband speed as well as the death of Bub, the world’s oldest tortoise. Regretfully, the first 249 years of Anvil archives are lost due to a combination of the British burning our offices during the War of 1812, numerous FBI subpoenas, and server errors.

Our first article appeared on April 16, 1761 and was written by original head writer George Washington. Judging from the title, King George III forgets to powder his wig!, it is clear that Washington’s sense of humor has not aged well, though he was reputed to have been quite a cut-up around the office, often making jokes about our then-lousy dental plan.

Washington surprisingly went on to become a military hero, which is unusual for someone with wooden teeth. He was also allegedly a U.S. president.

While The Anvil has been around since 1761, it has only been on WordPress for a year, making this our first Bloggiversary. Or is it one “g”? If you are interested in the correct spelling, check in with our expert and friend Paula, who just had a birthday and is now officially the world’s oldest blogger at age 104. Approach her slowly so you don’t startle her, though.

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by over the past year. The light is always on and the door is unlocked…

For the curious, our 3 most popular stories as of the posting date above:

WASHINGTON DC – NASA scientists said today that a massive asteroid strike could occur as early as next week.

“Apparently, the asteroid union has filed a grievance with Solar System, Inc. and says it will go on strike if unfair practices are not redressed,” NASA labor-relations expert Pinky Middleton told reporters earlier today. “We’re monitoring the situation carefully.”

Space Rock Local 124, the asteroid union that serves our solar system, claims that it is being forced to operate in an unsafe work environment. Union leaders say all they want are new orbital paths, not pay raises.

Union president Rocky Ele said in a statement released to the press this morning, “The planets whine and cry about the occasional collision. I suppose they whine and cry about bird feathers on their French doors too. Well, how do you think the bird feels?”

Talk of sending unmanned spacecraft into the solar system to destroy near-earth asteroids has some space rocks spooked. The asteroid Apophis, one of an estimated 45,000 large rocks orbiting the sun, told The Anvil he feels increasingly nervous going to work every day.

“I’m just trying to execute my trajectory,” he says. “But now they [Earthlings] want to blow me up, like I’m some kind of planet hunter. Hey, I never asked to be affected by Earth’s gravitational pull. Where’s the off switch on that thing?”

In a surprise move this week, the Obama administration cancelled funding for NASA’s Near-Earth Object Program, which monitors threats from space, claiming the cuts were necessary for the sake of trimming the budget deficit. That explanation did not stop some Republicans from crying foul.

In an interview that aired on CNN last night, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said, “We think it’s interesting that the President can suddenly make billions disappear from the budget when his labor union friends complain about some perceived injustice.”

Indeed, Space Rock Local 124 was one of the biggest contributors to the Obama campaign in 2008, and, with the Supreme Court having lessened restrictions on outside political donations in a recent ruling, the asteroids figure to be even bigger contributors to Democrats in 2012.

He later added, “Man, I’ve been wanting to say that to someone for the past two and a half years.”

No one is quite sure what will happen if the solar system’s asteroids all go on strike at once. Could thousands of no-longer-orbiting space boulders cause gravitational disturbances that ripple across the orbital path of the eight planets? Will the asteroids begin to collect and form a new planet between Mars and Jupiter that pulls the Earth farther from the sun, plunging our planet into a new, permanent ice age? Or, perhaps, could the moon simply be slammed into Earth at thousands of miles per second, destroying both worlds and ending life as we know it?”

“No,” says NASA’s Middleton. “None of those things will happen. Asteroids can’t stop moving through space, no more than Geico can stop running ads all day. A strike would be a symbolic gesture.”

That hasn’t stopped Russian Space Agency officials from launching the new deep space probe, Preparation H [the H is for Hydrogen Bomb], a warhead-tipped rocket that can be reprogrammed from Earth to hunt down specific targets that enter the inner solar system.

“We offer prompt, soothing relief from asteroids,” said former Cosmonaut Boris Blastikoff, now heading up the Motherland Defense division of the agency.

Union officials from United Comets Interplanetary local 84 were not willing to comment on this story.

WASHINGTON DC – A major security breach occurred at the White House yesterday when a Tea Party member taking part in a demonstration removed a saucer from under his tea cup and tossed it, Frisbee style, over the wrought iron fence surrounding the presidential residence. The ceramic disk landed harmlessly in the grass about 20 feet from the gate.

Secret Service agents quickly surrounded the protestor, identified as Pinky Middleton, 28, of Burlington, Vermont, and took him into custody. He was released a few hours later without being charged.

“This is exactly the kind of socialist response we’ve come to expect from the Obama administration,” Middleton said through his lawyer today. “The guy hires a bunch of security thugs to watch his house, and we have to foot the bill. Who does he think he is, Snoop Dogg?”

Some observers in the crowd were stunned by what they saw.

“I never thought I’d see the day that a flying saucer landed on the White House lawn. Do you realize this profoundly changes everything we’ve ever believed?” asked Shko!!!!!!pklt, one of several space aliens from the planet Neptune who witnessed the event.

Indeed, a saucer has never landed on the White House lawn, though Vice President Joe Biden did drop a fork there two weeks ago, and in 1993, during the Clinton administration, a homeless man managed to shove a can of Diet Cherry Coke between two vertical fence posts before being shot to death by Secret Service agents.

Yesterday’s security slip-up was another black eye for President Obama’s security team, which had allowed uninvited guests to “crash” a state dinner back in November. Readers may remember that those so-called guests turned out to be a band of ravenous zombies who killed and ate two Senators as well as a diplomat from India.

Transformers director Michael Bay, in town this week to scout locations for his upcoming remake of My Dinner with Andre, to be called MD/A3D, was in the White House at the time of the saucer-throwing incident.

“I’m glad it turned out to be a harmless plate,” he said, “but it’s scary to think of the possibilities. What if it had only looked like a saucer, but was actually a transforming robot that snuck into the White House and… Oooh. Wait a minute. That’s good. That’s real good. You got a pen?”

NASA engineers are currently analyzing the saucer and admit to being perplexed.

“I’m not sure what to make of it,” says Molecular Discombobulation Specialist Roopvani Parkesh. “It’s called a saucer but doesn’t appear to dispense sauce. We even tried using ‘sauce’ as a verb, and still nothing. Why is it called a saucer?”

DC Metro police and the FBI are seeking the matching tea cup, which Mr. Middleton claims to have misplaced, in the hopes that some connection can be found between the two objects.

Bioluminescent aliens from Neptune bearing a cure-all serum head for Earth (the planet Saturn is visible through the spacecraft's center window). 10 hours later, they were dead.

SOMERSET, NJ – It looks as if instant eradication of all the world’s diseases will have to wait.

Missiles fired yesterday from the lawn of New Jersey-based pharmaceutical company Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca struck the Neptunian flagship CE3K at an altitude of 40,000 feet, destroying it and scattering radioactive debris across the tri-state area. The extraterrestrial craft was allegedly en route to the United Nations building in New York to deliver a “miracle” cure for all disease when it was hit.

It is unknown how many aliens were on board, but they are all assumed dead.

She went on to say, “Rent Killer Klowns from Outer Space from Netflix. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Reaction in our nation’s capital was initially one of outrage and disgust.

“Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca’s actions and words are appalling,” said President Obama from the White House last night. “Trying to compare this situation to Killer Klowns from Outer Space is absurd. Those Klowns never tried to disguise their intentions.”

However, Democrats and Republicans were forced to stop criticizing the drug company when reminded they are all lackeys for multi-billion-dollar corporations like Bristol-Pfizer-Zeneca and should keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.

Neptune’s ruler, Klaatu Varada Nickto, issued an interplanetary statement this morning that read, in part, “We had hoped to usher in a new era of cooperation and scientific enlightenment by offering you a serum that would forever eliminate all disease from your planet. Unfortunately, you are not ready for that and never will be. Prepare to be destroyed.”

Religious groups and political figures around the world are condemning Nickto’s words today.

Evangelicals R Us president and multimillionaire F. A. Brimstone released his own statement that read, “These Godless heathens want to inject Satan into our veins! They’re jealous because Neptune revolves around the Earth, as does the rest of the universe.”

The statement goes on to say, “Telescopes and math are the work of the Devil and should be destroyed.”

Just before this article went to press, Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin tweeted, “Anything we don’t immediately understand MUST be killed without question!”

Whether or not the aliens’ cure would have worked is under debate. Doctors and medical research scientists (who’ve seen a sample of the compound and read the data) say receiving the serum would have been the most profound event in human history, while others, who have no knowledge of science or medicine, deny that claim.

So why was the craft shot down?

“There’s no profit in a miracle cure,” speculates Medical Ethicist Kyohei Yamane, whose title prompts people to wonder how he makes a living doing that.

“They [the aliens] can keep their wacky health juice,” he says between fits of coughing. “I’m watching the skies. Tell them Klowns they better not try to set foot, or whatever squiggly things they use, on my property or else.”

This satellite image shows police space cruisers chasing down the stolen shuttle. At the bottom of the frame, Starsky and Hutch are seen joining the pursuit.

CAPE KENNEDY, FL – NASA suffered yet another embarrassment this weekend when outlaws made off with the space shuttle Atlantis in a bold nighttime theft. The craft, having just returned from its supposed final voyage, was left outside the hanger overnight, and when employees arrived for work on Saturday, it was gone.

“It’s a simple explanation,” said NASA spokesperson Clint Howard. “Apparently the pilot left the keys on the dashboard and the door unlocked. We’re reviewing security procedures to make sure nothing like this happens again.”

Fortunately for the taxpayer-funded agency, the thieves were later apprehended en route to the moon, where it is believed they planned to hide out in a secret cave. The pursuit and capture mission was conducted as a joint operation between the FBI and the Houston, Texas police department. Officials say the shuttle, which was impounded, will be returned to its hanger in Florida after law-enforcement authorities complete their investigation.

“We’re just glad no one was hurt,” said Howard, almost as if he meant it.

The incident is the latest in a series of blunders committed by the once-respected space agency.

Two weeks ago, NASA officials unveiled design plans for a new type of shuttle called Novolar, only to discover the name translates into Spanish as “No Fly.” And in February, a tape surfaced on the internet that appeared to show the space agency and porn actress Ragina Groinacre engaging in multiple rocket launches.

Sarah Palin builds fence around her house to keep out “Fake America”

WASILLA, AK – Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin had a fence installed around her property this week to prevent the encroachment of what she called “Fake America” onto her property.

The fence, 300-yards long if configured in a straight line, is a considerably scaled-down version of the one she proposed during the 2008 presidential campaign, when she ran for vice president on the losing GOP ticket. At the time, she called for the southern half of Virginia to be walled off from the north, with the fence eventually to be extended along the western border of Maryland, through the middle of Pennsylvania, and upward to Michigan, effectively cutting off the northeastern United States from the rest of the country.

Most fake Americans are thought to live in this region.

When questioned about the modification to her plan, Palin said, “With so many ordinary, real Americans like me struggling to make ends meet, I thought it wouldn’t be right to spend all that money on a big fence.”

She went on to say, “Fake America still knows where it is.”

Fake Americans are believed to read newspapers, care about their country too, and disagree with Sarah Palin.

Iraqi politician says he “misspoke” about having been a suicide bomber

BAGHDAD – In an incident that recalls Senate candidate Dick Blumenthal’s false claim of having fought in the Vietnam War, an Iraqi man running for mayor of Baghdad admitted this week he was not a former suicide bomber, contrary to what he’d stated numerous times on the campaign trail.

Tariq Al-Hassan, the candidate from the conservative “Death to Infidels” party, was at the grand opening of a Target superstore in the Sadr City neighborhood of Baghdad when a reporter asked, “If you had been a suicide bomber, wouldn’t you be dead right now?”

An embarrassed Al-Hassan tried to have the reporter beheaded, but the damage was already done. Faced with a firestorm of criticism and plunging poll numbers, the politician released a statement yesterday that read, “I apologize for having misspoken about my past recently. A member of my staff discovered I was not a suicide bomber but rather an auditor for Saddam Central Bank. I’ve had my campaign manager killed to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Al-Hassan had been the favorite going into next month’s election against his rival, Sinbad the Sailor.