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talking about dying ...

I sometimes feel my mother wants to talk to me about the end of her life and dying - but also is holding back on this because she doesnt want to face it, as well.

She has said a short while ago, that she was so tired of doing everything, getting dressed, taking so long to do this and that, she felt it would be lovely to just slip away ....

She often says she has no future - today she said this again - and that she could have no ambitions - nothing to work towards. I was encouraging, saying - well, 100 years?! I did ask how she felt about this, for the first time, really, today. She just said the above and then said how lucky she was, having me, being alive at all, and things. But I wonder if I am doing enough with her, with this. I have worked with people who are dying over the years and been able to talk with them. It is different with a very old person, my mother is nearly 91 - and I dont really know how to do this, whether to do it - how to comfort her - or what. Rather lost on this one and would be very grateful for any help....

No help..
Just to tell you that my mom talks like this too sometimes. Sounds to me like depression, but my mom cannot take antidepressants anymore for other health reasons. My instincts tell me that she is closer to wanting to live so we root for getting better... I do not know what I would do if I really thought she wanted to die..
As is said, &quot;Old age is not for wimps!&quot;
BTW, I do not think my mom is anywhere close for hospice!
My mom is 90 2/3.
I'll be watching this thread and hoping someone comes up with something..

My heart goes out to you and I can appreciate where you are at. I am a Chaplain so I have talked with many people who are dying and have been with a few who died while holding my hand. But when my precious Father in law was placed on hospice due to a brain tumor on the major blood vessel and it could burst according to the doctors and die at any moment, I realized I was having a difficult time talking with him about death and dying. I loved him so much, HE was the best Father a woman could ever hope to have. HE told me in April of 2000 that if I really loved him I would pray and ask GOd to take him home to the cemetary. I shared with him that I couldn't pray that prayer. I changed the subject I thought and asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he boldly stated: to be buried in the cemetary with the rest of his family.
Later on after I finally realized in my heart that I couldn't keep him forever on the earth (HE was 90 yrs young) I began listening more and asking questions about what he thought death and dying meant to him. I wanted to make sure he wasn't afraid to die so he would not spend his last days in fear.
I have learned through being a Chaplain that people really want to talk about death but are afraid it will upset the family members so they keep quiet. When you are comfortable they will be comfortable. I had to get to the place that I could let go of my FIL. HE did pass away four days before his birthday and was buried on his birthday in the family cemetary. God must have heard his heart because I didn't pray for that for my FIL. Philip is probably laughing with God about how I tried to keep him on the earth forever because I loved him so much and loved taking care of him. He was a wonderul man just like his son.
I hope this helps.

that helps very much indeed - thank you so much..:)...yes, I believe that my mother is afraid of dying and that I need to be brave and - yes, as you said, listen and show that I am not afraid to talk about this. She is not ill in her health that I know of, but very disabled with her back, legs and eyes. This makes her tired of living. We are very very close and though she may yet live quite a while, I dont want to let her down by not allowing her to feel she can talk to me, for fear of hurting me....again, thank you..*smiling*....Cathrynn

Hi Cath, mom and i never talked about death although we both knew she was dying.. 24 hours before her death she was being assisted to the potty chair and she grabbed on to my shoulders and said..I am dying.. I said yes you are.. and i will be here for you .. we did it togeter.. we never spoke of death until that day.. I think it was the right dicission.. in fact im sure it was. Love to you always D

I'm not facing this yet, but I have heard relatives tell of dealing with this with uncles and other relatives who have passed on. They all said talking of death was the hardest thing to do, but once they started listening to their loved one and asking and answering questions, there was a sense of peaceful rightness that developed between them.
A couple articles I've read about Hospice Care have indicated that they do this with the patient too.
What amazes me is that often the patient is the one who comforts the family and eases them through this final stage, even to the point of hanging on until they've left for lunch or to go home for the night, facing the last bit of time with attendants who are not quite so close, rather than have the family members hurt more.
I hope to have the grace to do this when the time comes. How horrible it would be to negate his need to talk and work through this last stage, when it can make things so much better. Refusing to face it and work through it with him, would force him to deny it too. Anbd then how hard it would be for both of us.
rocasi

I read all your posts and I do feel for all of you. My mom is 86 with Pd and is also very tired with her symptoms and her lack of future. But she has great spirit most of the time. She goes from depression to &quot;don't you say I'm OLD!!&quot;
She will not talk about death. Only to say she does not want to leave us, and she does not want to be buried, other than that she will not approach the subject ever. Today I told her she may actually outlive all of us (sis, brother, me) and God help her then cuz we take very good care of her..we laughed because the list of relatives who would be left to care for her is real slim and iffy...but, it's like she doesn't ever plan on leaving, so don't bring it up.

My daughter was in denial for most of the time before she passed. She would not discuss dying at all, and got mad if it was mentioned. I believe she knew she was dying, but couldn't cope, so she ignored it. Her last time in the hospital, I asked her the questions on the Advanced Directive, telling her it was hospital policy for all patients to fill out. I added one more question, that wasn't on the form. I asked her if she wanted to be buried or cremated. She said &quot;Neither&quot;. I said I would make arrangements for burial at sea. She said &quot;They do that!&quot;. I said yes, for sailors and fishermen, and others that are close to the sea. She said I don't want to be dropped in the ocean. I said, I would have her cremated. She said, I don't want to be put in fire. I left it at that, and she was buried in a beautiful spot at the cemetary. A few weeks before she died, her nurse asked, do you know you are dying? She said yes. Her nurse asked if she was afraid. She said no. The nurse said she noticed her Bible and a Christian book on her bed, was that why she was not afraid. My daughter said yes, God is with me. It's a difficult conversation for some to have. Those that express a desire to die, may or may not mean it. My mom says that over the phone, but I don't believe she is ready. I do believe she is not afraid.

what amazing, thoughtful replies - thank you all so much, this has given me a great deal to think about. I will go slowly with this, I think, she is still having trouble accepting being old, maybe it is too soon - but next time she remarks on anything to do with this, I will gently question her but not push it much. I think ...so different for different people...oh dear...!

Unless, someone has an obvious condition, how can you tell when it is close. My mom could live another 5 years or more. I do not want to spend it with her dying; I would rather have her focus on living. Death will take care of itself, without our help. BTW, she has already told us that she wants to be creamated, etc....

I miss traveling with my husband. Has anyone found a specific site regarding cruising for widow/widowers or any sightseeing trips. Not interested in being with couples and kids,,,I realize a cruise ship will have a portion size of families and couples, but perhaps they also put together a part of the cruise ship for groups of widows/widowers????

A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...

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