Friday, January 22, 2016

life has such a beautiful habit of kicking me square in my ass when I need it. this morning is proof of that yet again. I have been a real bitch lately. and I mean BITCH. yesterday in particular. out of fear. and anxiety. and worry. typical behavior for me. I had been working on changing that but apparently I let myself backslide. so, i'll start over. it's just so damn hard to get over, get around or change LEARNED behaviors. yes. LEARNED. again, my mom would argue that's not true but IT IS. maybe she thought she was shielding such behavior in herself better but ... I soooooo beg to differ. I know why she worried and fretted. it's very tough being an adult and managing a house and a hubby and children. especially in her case because SHE was the income in our home after I turned 9 years old. working a 40+ hour a week job and managing to take care of all of us? all of that on her head was NOT easy and yes, sometimes we got the brunt of her frustrations. but it was seeing the way she approached most things that we learned. with the scenario of failure or disappointment or whatever. it wasn't being happy about what I had accomplished today, it was "omg! tomorrow's coming and it's all gonna go south! I won't be able to do this or that! oh no! this is gonna fail! what if I can't ...?! what if we don't ...?! omg! I did something wrong and now we'll pay for it!" yeah. so guess how I have approached things for YEARS??? uh huh. I have the greatest hubby. I know, everyone who loves their other half says that. but I do have a good one. a patient one. a man who really CAN stop and smell the roses. or live for TODAY and let tomorrow take care of itself. I cannot count the times in our 22 1/2 years of marriage that he's told me to "calm down, it's okay, baby. we'll be all right." and EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN TIME that s.o.b. has been right. so I had really begun in the past year or so to try and really LIVE by his mantra. and for a while, it was soooooo nice. I felt better, I approached each day and obstacle in it better, and I was happier! but then, like usual, life threw a curve ball. and I have found myself right back into old behaviors and attitudes. scared. angry. worried. lazy. nitpicky. flying off the handle at stupid things. and like usual, I got that small, quiet whatever that makes me stop dead in my tracks and go, "oh. damn. I behaved like an idiot and yet everything was ok." that quiet slap is just what I needed on a lot of levels. now the trick is to make amends where I need to and try to practice that different way of dealing that I have learned in the last little while. and I will. and I will backslide again at some point and have to start all over once more. cool thing about that is, I CAN. the universe is infinite and gives me infinite time to keep trying. I had titled this "will I ever learn?" I have learned. and I will keep learning.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

there is so much spinning in my head and I can't seem to get any of it out in coherent thought anymore. so many things I want to, NEED to say but I get all twisted when I try and wind up doing as has become habit and closing off. oh I can vent to my sister a bit. and thank god, gaia and the universe that she lets me. but even then I don't always say everything I need to say or want to say and I wind up tying myself in knots rehashing whatever over and over and over and over in my head until it bleeds into every minute of my day. and night. so I needed to change that. I have been learning, searching and seeking for about a year now. slowly untying bits of knot that are hard wired into my makeup and some of it has been quite refreshing. even freeing. but when that old way of fearing and worrying pops up, sometimes it's really hard to avoid the familiar and apply a different approach. they say people can't change and I'm finding that's not true. and then again, maybe more true than I think. I am changing, have been changing, have CHANGED in some ways. then again, I haven't so much changed as simply let ME and MY thoughts, views, opinions, ideals, whatever took root years ago finally see the sun. this seems to be causing a bit of trouble but not bad trouble. it's very difficult to undo what you've been hardwired to do or think. tough to see things differently. worry that tomorrow would arrive and that I would be in the wrong somehow when it got here has been a way of life for me. it's what I was taught. to fear what would happen. always. to fear NOT being in total control of every little aspect of my life. to hear that something TODAY didn't go the way I had planned or assumed it would and OMG!!!! TOTAL DESTRUCTION AND HELLFIRE TOMORROW!!!! or worse. shame and humiliation. yes. shame and humiliation that I had somehow failed in this moment and that I will be punished for this for this. I learned that EVERYTHING had to be carefully planned and set in stone. and if anything EVER deviated from that plan whether by my hand or someone else's then that was it. game over. my mom would argue right now that this was not her intention nor her example. I call bullshit. I have learned that NONE of this is truth but it gets tough sometimes to give up old habits, eh? life is life. and it happens. good, bad, painful, thrilling, exciting, harsh, glorious, funny, any adjective you can think of. yesterday really is done and gone. and tomorrow will take care of itself. I can only deal with THIS moment. 2:28 pm on an average day. it's good to plan, yes. it's good to be prepared, yes. but if that plan goes off the rails, ok. is that a punishment for something? NO!!!! it's just the way it had to go! I can't make the world go with me, I have to go with it. (jesus, I sound like an idiot!! LOL!!) I've had to learn that it's ok if I don't have total control of everything. and if I look back at the last 44 years, well, yeah. I made it through everything in one piece. (mostly. my sanity HAS suffered) and crying and worrying and fretting and throwing a fit really didn't help anything. well, it helped make me crazy. my next sentences are going to piss some people off but I can't help that. I have learned that begging god to please forgive me, please don't punish me for whatever I think you're punishing me for is silly. it had NOTHING to do with hubby not getting as big a paycheck this month as last month. good old monkey sex in the privacy of my bedroom (maybe even with a toy or two) did NOT bring on the washing machine breaking down. wanting to slap my mother for making me angry did NOT bring on a pulled muscle or cause the toilet to leak. (nor is it being disrespectful to her to be angry with her) you don't get punished by life for living!!!!! life just happens!!! yes, there ARE punishments for things we do wrong such as lying, or hurting someone, etc. and we SHOULD face up to and own those wrongs and correct them when and where we can! but we don't get punished for being human. or at least we shouldn't be. and we damn sure shouldn't punish ourselves!! which is what I think I've been doing all my life because it's what was taught to me. whatever low time my little household is about to go through is necessary for whatever reasons but it's NOT a punishment for anything. and we'll get through it. we always do. and behind this will be an up time when things are smoother and better. then it will fall again. just like EVERY OTHER CYCLE ON EARTH. in the middle of that low, we don't see that. and it hurts. but we get through it. like little unstoppable forces of nature, which we are I guess. have I ranted and talked enough? I think so for today. i'll go get quiet later, light some incense and just breathe. clear me and my head. let this part of the cycle flow wherever it needs and see what's around the corner with anticipation instead of anxiety. namaste thanks for listening.