As you know, the glut of illiquid, insolvent, and troubled poems is clogging the literary arteries of the West. These debt-ridden poems threaten to infect other areas of the literary sector and ultimately to topple our culture industry.

Cultural leaders have come together to announce a massive poetry buyout: leveraged and unsecured poems, poetry derivatives, delinquent poems, and subprime poems will be removed from circulation in the biggest poetry bailout since the Victorian era. We believe the plan is a comprehensive approach to relieving the stresses on our literary institutions and markets.

Though as Bernstein is quick to add, “the fundamentals of our poetry are sound”.

Some are claiming that if they hold onto the poems long enough, they’ll be worth more. “Look at Paradise Lost!” they argue. But I’m skeptical. I think they just want someone to hand them a blank verse.