Why These 6 Dads Didn't Take Paternity Leave

Ian, construction manager, 32

"When my son was born, my only option was to take the five paid days off my company allows for the birth of a new child. My wife was in the hospital for the first three days of our son's life, which means we only spent two days of my leave together at home before I had to head back to work. I wanted to take my FMLA leave immediately, but my employer significantly pressured me to wait until the projects I was working on wrapped up. I don't think this kind of pressure is acceptable, but I don't think it's uncommon either. It's frustrating when you want to focus on your new baby but are being told to 'do right' by the company and not take leave at an inconvenient time for your employer. I hated hearing that the birth of my son was 'inconvenient.'

"I got really depressed in the months following my son's birth, because I felt like I wasn't being a good father by going back to work so soon. I will always regret not being present enough in those early days, for the rest of my life. When I found out my Family Medical Leave Act leave was finally approved, my mental outlook improved immediately. I'll start my leave in a few weeks, but my son is already 5.5 months old. I know how important parental bonding is during a child's earliest days, and I can't ever get that back."

Matt, elementary school teacher, 34

"When my wife got pregnant, my two main priorities were making sure she felt supported and making sure our family would be provided for financially. But I've been a teacher in the same school district for almost eight years. When I take on a group of kids at the start of the year, that's a really serious commitment for me. I didn't want to abandon those kids for the sake of my own, even though I know that's not the most logical way to look at it. Had I decided to take paternity leave, I would have been able to take all my saved-up sick days and vacation days paid, and then unpaid FMLA time after those days ran out.

"As my wife and I talked, it became pretty clear she felt like she'd be just fine taking leave on her own. I took a few days to be with her for the birth and then went right back to school. It was a tough transition — teaching is not the sort of job where you can snooze at your desk or cut out early when your baby's been up all night, and it's not the sort of job you can phone in. I would really have to psych myself up as I was driving home because my wife would want a break as soon as I walked in the door, and I'd be ready for a break at the same time. I don't think I'd processed the fact that zero of my hours would now be kid-free hours. But I would've had to work out that balance eventually, whether I'd taken leave or not."

Steven, marketing specialist, 33

"My company offers a month of paid paternity leave. Legally, your job has to be waiting for you when you return. But at the time when I was eligible for leave, my company was growing and changing a lot. A month doesn't seem like that long, but I knew if I took that much time away, I'd come back to new coworkers and managers and different projects and, potentially, clients who were irritated I'd been out of touch for so long. I wasn't ever discouraged from taking leave, but I'd watched a coworker take time off for the birth of his child, then come back and struggle both to get caught up, and to adjust to balancing his work and his new child. It seemed like taking leave and returning could potentially be harder than going back to work immediately after the birth of our daughter was. And since my wife was planning to take a year or more to be home with the baby, we decided that making sure my work life was as comfortable and low-stress as possible should be our priority. Between my mother's help, my wife's relatively easy delivery, and the fact that we lucked out and got a laid-back baby, it's what worked for us."

Travis, instructional designer, 32

"When I learned that my [company's] only option was up to six weeks unpaid, I panicked at first. Taking any time unpaid didn't feel sustainable, since my wife was planning to become a full-time stay-at-home parent as soon as our daughter was born. I asked whether it might be possible for me to work from home, and was told after much debate among my bosses and HR that I could do so for up to a month. I took three vacation days for the birth and recovery, and then started to work from home.

"My company made it very clear that I was still expected to be available during the regular business day, but my daily commute could be up to 45 minutes one way, so immediately I was guaranteed an extra hour and a half to spend with my daughter and wife each day. I took a set lunch break each day, which meant my wife always had at least a little time to grab a shower or take a break every day. And I was often able to sit at my desk with the baby in her bouncy seat close by or tucked in a sling on my chest so I got to enjoy more time with her than I would've, while still retaining my ability to earn a living for my family. It was not ideal by any stretch, but it was way, way, way, way better than nothing."

Luke, creative services team lead, 35

"About two months before our first child was due, I was offered the opportunity to take a leadership role on an upcoming project at my company. This was a chance I'd been waiting for and one I wasn't sure I'd get again for a while, and it wasn't realistic to take the role and then take a big chunk of time off to stay home with my baby before it was finished. To be really frank, my wife wasn't wild about the idea, but she ultimately supported my decision.

"We prearranged that I'd take a few sick days — in my company, you can take sick leave for a family member's illness or medical emergency, and birth certainly qualifies — once my wife was in labor, but that I'd be back to work as soon as possible after that. I am glad I was able to take on the lead on the project; it led to a bonus on completion and was an instrumental part of my promotion about a year later, which have both changed our family life for the better. But I felt guilty every time I walked out the door and my baby was crying. I think logging a lot of time with your new baby is essential for new dads. Your wife has already logged months with the baby growing inside her during her pregnancy, so in a way, dads are making up for lost time. Even though I spent as much time as I possibly could with him, I didn't have that moment where I felt like a real dad until my son was almost 6 months old. I feel comfortable with the decision that I made, but if we have another child, I hope I'll have the opportunity to take more time at home."

Benji, waiter/bartender, 29

"Paternity leave doesn't exist when you're a blue-collar worker. Maybe that's an exaggeration and maybe it's too blunt to put it this way, but that's definitely been my experience over 10 years or so working in the service industry. My restaurant wasn't big enough to offer Family Medical Leave Act, and even if it had been, we didn't have anything close to the savings we would have needed for both my girlfriend and I to take [unpaid] time off. She was working as a nanny, and the family she was working for didn't offer her any leave, which is pretty common.

"Honestly, I was lucky to even have bosses that were willing to add on-call servers or bartenders to my shifts around the birth of our kid, and who were OK with me calling out last minute if my girlfriend suddenly went into labor. I got my shifts covered for a few days after our baby was born and my managers let me switch to day shifts for the next few weeks after so my wife could have support overnight. At a job I'd been at for less time or with a less understanding boss or unhelpful coworkers, it could've been much harder."

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