Croatia Goss

A special report from our Stoke Afloat Croatiacorrespondent

The cardinal rule of Stoke Afloat Croatia is “What happens on the boat, stays on the boat,” but that wouldn’t be any fun, now would it? This is a collection of my favorite moments from last year’s Stoke Afloat Croatia cruises, from the entertaining to the downright disgusting. After all, when you’ve got unlimited beer and sangria onboard, things tend to get a bit weird.

Each cruise has its own way of spreading the family gossip. We discussed the dirty details of the previous night’s antics over breakfast, wrote down the juiciest stories on the whiteboard to be displayed in all their glory, or, for the more creative, utilized “Kangaroo Court,” in which penalty drinks are passed out for behavior – whether good or bad.

One night in particular, as Kangaroo Court was in full swing, it quickly came out that a latecomer, nicknamed “Slasher,” had wasted no time in getting his money’s worth of alcohol and gotten piss-drunk – literally. Slasher managed to pee all over the dance floor in the club. Not surprisingly, the Court, in true Stokie fashion, penalized him heavily, then turned this into a joke that he couldn’t live down for the rest of the week.

One bright, shining morning, after a big night in Dubrovnik’s famed island club, Carpe Diem, with hangovers just starting to set in, a certain female – let’s call her “Anna” – admitted that she had slept with two different boys the previous evening. Up it went on the whiteboard amid smaller infractions, such as scaling a clock tower at 2am just for the fun of it, and stealing freshly cooked pizzas from under the nose of those who had just paid for them. Imagine the shock of our second Anna on board, another girl with the same name, at us having discovered her secret so quickly. Yes, it turns out that the two weren’t only similar in having the same name, but also a sexual appetite that simply could not be satisfied by just one man.

While their beach rendezvous provided relative privacy, when you live on a ship with 18 other humans for a week, trying to have a bang in private (without the risk of clothing being swept away into the ocean) can prove quite difficult. The solution, though perhaps not the most creative, that one gal came up with was to come back early from a night out and hope none of her shipmates had the same idea. However, she happened to pass by someone who had come back to retrieve the lazy bums who were having trouble leaving the ship (though on second thought, perhaps it was alcohol and not laziness that had prevented them from making it out), however, and told them, “Don’t worry, we’ll be quick.” She and her companion then went on to have such vigorous sex that they broke the bed. Unfortunately, this meant she had to sleep in a broken bed for the rest of the trip. Hopefully the root was worth it.

Others didn’t seem to mind an audience, as proved by two of our fine pirates who were caught in the middle of a sloppy doggy-style on the top deck. When they realized others were watching, they valiantly continued, even as the cameras came out.

Understandably, when one is absolutely smashed and attempting to find the way back to the safety of the ship in the middle of the night, mistakes may be made. One guest in particular forced the captain to wake up our guide in order to collect her from the toilets, where she was peacefully napping it off. All we can say is, points for making it to a bathroom, even if it was on the wrong ship.

The dancers in Dubrovnik’s Culture Club Revelin might be fascinating, but were no match for one athletic gal who showed us that pole dancing is indeed a sport, and one that you should definitely pull out at a small club in Korcula in order to impress the crowd. This lady even scored herself a spot on staff at Oktoberfest for her abilities! What we’ve learned from this superstar: never fight the impulse to show off your party tricks.

The cruising season was filled with straight arms, failed twerking sessions, nudie jumps, tequila boom booms, chugs, spews, and questionable choices. A good bit of gossip was inevitable, and these are only the highlights. I did my best to protect the identities of the legends in these tales, but be warned: on the Stoke Afloat Croatia trip, you will do ridiculous things, and we will know about them.

This shouldn’t stop you from making your own mistakes at Stoke Afloat 2018. We Stokies deserve a good laugh, and you deserve the trip of a lifetime.