real talk

So most of you who have stuck with me, and are continuing to read me (thank you so much btw!) know that I have mental illness. It is however, very new for me to discuss it in public kind of ways. I am much better at one on one discussions with people, so the thought of standing here in front of you all and talking about how my brain works, has always been super scary for me.

Which I guess, is why I started to write. I remember feeling so much frustration as a child and young person, because most people just didn’t seem to understand me. I didn’t know how to express myself, and often that would lead me to just completely melting down and crying. Which did not help matters much. Particularly when you grow up with people who think and feel things so differently to you.

The only way I’ve ever actually been able to express how I’m feeling, is by writing it down. I’m a natural born dramatist. I can weave a pretty good story, and within that story, are truths that I don’t know how to say. I feel comfortable writing it all down, but I struggled with actual pen and paper, because my brain thinks faster than I can physically write. Once I learned how to touch type, it’s been pretty much impossible to get me off the computer.

I have come to realise though, that I’ve been doing a lot of internal journalling too. Which isn’t a bad thing. Journalling to no audience allows me to read back over what I’ve written and pick out the parts that will be helpful and hopefully inspiring.

My intention in speaking to you about my own struggles with mental illness isn’t to make you feel sorry for me. I hope that these posts will help others. Please feel free to support me by sharing links to my blog. There are a lot of young people out there, who I’d like to talk to. The ones like me, who maybe feel like it’s just never going to get better at all. Who, like me probably put an age limit on themselves, and are potentially reaching that number, and wondering what they’ll do next (mine was 25 – in case you were wondering. I’m 40 this year, and so proud of it!)

My entries will be about my own personal struggle with bipolar disorder II and borderline personality disorder. I promise they’ll leave you feeling uplifted and hopeful. And I’d like to urge you to send people here if you think reading my words might help.

I also want to apologise – again…for any unexplained absences from my writing. Sometimes I’m very chatty, and sometimes I need to sit inside my own head for awhile and organise my thoughts. Sometimes I just don’t think I’m very interesting, and life takes hold of me and the next thing I know, two years have gone by and I haven’t written ANYTHING!

I’d promise that wasn’t going to happen again, but we both know I’d be lying. I do want you to know though, if you don’t see any posts from me (more Philippines is coming – I can’t WAIT to show you the island resorts..omgomg!!) it is because my life is more wonderful than I could have ever hoped it would be. And even when I am battling fits of pure self loathing and wishing I was dead, I never lose sight of the incredibleness around me. There’s a light at the end of that tunnel, sometimes it’s a fucking slog to trek back down to reach it, but when I do, the sun is always waiting for me.

Thank you for that Australia. I had no idea I’d find a home here. I love you, even when I’m sure the heat is going to kill me.