I am going to have to write Solitude from scratch. The idea of this both intrigues me and scares the shit out of me. More the latter than the former. That sentence was so unnecessary. It scares me because of the emotion and inspiration I need to complete it. Do I want it to be just straight poetry? No, because it’s being penned as a poetry novel.

Poetry novel? The hell that is?

How much of myself do I want to put into this book and how much do I want to deliver a point?

What’s the point?

The message.

All new material? Can I do it? Will it be good? Will people understand? Does anyone ever understand? Here we go.

I want it to go from a crowded, distracted, impulsive selfishness to a singular, attempt at individuality.

The dream I had last night has dwindled itself down to flashes of scenes. I remember being in a factory of somesort with people who I cannot pinpoint their faces but the emotion I had for them is still heavy. A year 3000 version of Freddy was chasing us. It was my responsibility to ensure our safety. Noone appointed me that position but that was my position. I had to protect everyone. I had to get us to safety. I had to get us through the terror. This isn’t a conscious thought. I can’t save myself. What in the hell makes my inside self think I can always be the hero?

I’m an emotional wreck today. It could be worse but it could definitely be better. Started the morning off having an argument about friendship.

I know it came across like I was eclipsing her notion of friendship. That wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to get her to see how her own insecurities play a subconscious part in who she chooses to befriend. If you have qualms about letting your guard down or being vulnerable then it is innate that your choice of people to be intimate with would be superficial at best. Its a defense mechanism that keeps you from having to ever reveal anything of yourself. Even if only for a short period of time. And when such a person starts to peer too deep behind the veil, well they are all but expendable, anyway.

Its a slippery slope because we want these ties. We have these human needs that need to be fed but our emotional state and mind state can keep us putting up these barriers and defenses that degrade the very bond we are looking to substantiate.

I don’t know. The entire dynamic of human relationships is so intriguing to me. The idea that we can love someone who hates us. We can hate someone who loves us. We can abuse someone we care for and not care for someone we crave. It’s just pandora’s box in a bottle(neck).

I keep trying to figure out what direction I want to take this new book in. Visually I know what I want but as far as theme, message, word play, I cannot visualize a cohesive montage and just driving me loopy.

Obviously, I’m stressed. I had no idea until my body told me. Now I feel like a leper. I just want to close myself off from the rest of the world. But, I have to gather myself. The next step is a palsy attack and I just have too much going on to stop everything for that.

I make fun of my little sister for being a sap but I’m no better. I see so much pain in people. We are so awful to one another. I know the problem is beyond me but each time I hear of someone suffering the abuse of an insecure little twit who needs to feed his own violent, mutilated, trumped up ego, man it just hurts the little inside me.

We’re all struggling to find footing in this life. To find our way -our paths. The last thing any of us need is to have the next man step on us to find his way. Ya know? No? Guess it’s just me then. *socrates shrug*

Who I Am

I am no one
from no where
wishing to achieve
Anything
That means something
to Someone
Even if it means
Nothing
to me.