The Day my Ego was Born

The day I finally quit football, it was the last time I was going to try and pull the pants up that were two small up my chubby legs and then go get the crap kicked out of me. So as punishment to all quitters the coaches made those kids like me sit in the hall outside the gym.

The Hall, it was shameful place especially for a short chubby boy who was afraid to talk to people. There were three other quitters, these boys were much bigger then me and did not take a liking to chubby kids.

"as my head got slammed into a wall"

It didn't take long for one to hone in on my weakness. And as my head got slammed into a wall a whole new world was rudely introduced. This is the world of a chubby kid.

I sat alone at lunch for weeks, occasionally the random bully would find it funny if I were to wear my lunch instead of eat it. But one day another chubby kid sat down with me, he must have sat alone on the other side of the lunch room.

And of course every once in awhile we both had lunch trays dumped on us, laughed at humiliated. Eventually more kids sat at our table, friendships were forming, and it seemed the more that we had at the table, the less we got picked on. We quickly discovered the safety in our numbers.

"the disturbed group"

We reached out, we found more kids to include into the group, and in the next few years we evolved out of that fat kid. We discovered different out looks through books, art, and music. Even the clothes we wore seemed to get darker; we became moody and thought of us the disturbed group.

The bullies still came though, this time they would single us out of the pack, wait till one of us was week and alone, they would find us in the bathroom, or in the hall between classes. Dumped food trays were replaced with black eyes, and bloody noses.

And then something strange happened, somebody spoke up, and then we all spoke up, and we began to fight back. We were a group, we had found pride. It was a new birth inside of us all, born in frustration, moodiness and the desperate need to just be accepted. We all woke up when we discovered we had that acceptance with in each other. We were no longer weak; we were no longer seen as weak.

"still we we're misunderstood"

Stranger still, other kids started to talk to us. We became interesting toward the 11th grade. They invited us to parties, to hang out. Still we were misunderstood, but it was a great feeling that they tried, that an attempt was made to connect.

One night in a field with a 100 other kids, drinking, smoking, having sex in the backs of cars and indulging in all manners of bad behavior. The First person who woke me up to a new world, the one that left me bleeding and crying on the floor in a hallway after slamming my head three times into a brick wall came up to me. He hadn't remembered what he had done, that was obvious. He was alone, nobody talked to him. He told me he couldn't understand why.

I had no need to comfort him, felt no desire to do so. The urge was not there to torment him. I simply told him to go home, to leave, that he was not welcome here. As I said this I realized I was no longer the outsider looking in.

"I have to be a pillar of strength"

This took place through my puberty years, this is my story of how my ego was born, developed and evolved through all the factors of my life. My ego will always be that chubby kid that lives inside me that seeks acceptance. That needs to be stroked and calmed and told it will be ok.

I have to be a pillar of strength. I will always protect that fat kid. He will always be safe inside me. No more black eyes, no more punches in the mouth. He will never again know the sound of a dull thud as his head hits the bricks for the first time, the second time, the third time.

I too was the chubby kid, But I was never in one spot long enough to make the kinds of friends you obviously had. For that is what has made me so cynical, and hardened all these years ago. Now though, due to this site, I have started making those friends. I have come out of my shell of protection, I am willing to share things with the People here that I would never share out of here. So now I am able to say my Ego is being born.

Thanks Kali...that was great insight to what your experiences were and what some kids are still going through today. The real truth is that "bully" actually had less self-esteem than you did. That was his way of protecting his insecurties I think. One things for sure, it taught you how to defend the ones you care about and also how to stick up for yourself. You handled the last situation just like a man should. Good going!~~sweet~~xo

Do you still feel the need to be the pillar so you don't get hurt or was that just when you were a kid? I still do it myself, put on the gruff exterior, don't let anyone close so I don't get hurt. Here I can be just me, only crazy, silly me. I hope you feel that way here too. mac

i was never the chubby kid,just the quiet one who preferred a book to company,plus poor and no new clothes and got picked on for it,yep my heads felt walls and fists,not nice and i bet today if my legs couldn't run i'd still end up feeling that wall as i just don't have it in me to hit back,not sure though if thats good or bad lol

From all that crap as a kid,i grew up not too bad a person,blame no one and a great believer of what goes around comes around,those childhood enemys of mine all have rotten lives and some have faced tragedies that i wouldn't wish on the devil him self,so no need for revenge or hate from me,just pity .

i became the clown to fit in....and never felt I did. That insecure child is still deep inside of me and like you I do anything to protect her. you are what you are because of your experiences...good and bad...and you have a strength that those bullies will never have...

I've been thinking and blogging about this lately, too. I like the point you make about the self-discovery that occurs when we're surrounded by people who need us as badly as we need them. The realization dawns on us that the interests and abilities that make us a target for abuse are actually the things that make us most *interesting* to each other. Musical kids, artistics kids, literary kids, academic kids... we all get picked on.

And years later, when we stumble across the popular kids that shunned or picked on us, we find that they're still conducting their lives as if they were in junior high. And acting like a teenager when one is beyond his or her 30s isn't all that cool... especially from the perspective of musicians, artists, readers, writers, and thinkers.

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