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Spoken to me

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

Quotes

It may be true that he travels farthest who travels alone, but the goal thus reached is not worth reaching.
-- Theodore Roosevelt
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Splashy speeches and dramatic displays may grab our attention, but nothing says love like the dependable, daily act of showing up.
-- Mike Wittmer

IB

FB’s memory thing is showing me that I talked a lot about IB when I was in it. There are a few possibilities I can think of:

IB meant a lot to me (er, not sure if that was true at that point in time)

I had not much life out there apart from IB (one of the status written on this day 6 years ago asked, “Can IB life be considered as an oxymoron?”)

I was awake for 18-20 hours each day on average (guess what kept me up?), and many of it were spent late at night without anyone talking to me so I talked about the thing that kept me up

I stopped posting much after IB

Life was tough. This period of time 5 years ago, I had all the components of IB coming together. No idea how we got through it man. University thesis was bad, but prolong that and you get IB.

As I look back on those memories that FB is feeding me with, I’m reminded of how the cohort that I left behind checked back and kept encouraging me forward. I’m also reminded of how those fighting the battle with me, were really with me. We ranted together, we laughed at ourselves together, we kept each other going together.

The IB journey, to be honest, felt lonely because it was so new that barely anyone knew what it’s all about, but I’m glad we had each other. Yes IB was crazy, was tough, but we were tougher when we kept together.

The 3 years journey in the school was quite a life-changing experience for myself. It’s clearly one of the defining chapters that shaped a large part of the person I am today. From being reserved to daring to extend a hand to someone else, from being a passive member to one that takes an active lead, and it was a place where my character was refined (still not a perfect person, fyi). Did things that I had never imagined myself doing – it began from walking up to my form teacher to say, “After much consideration, I am determined to return to year 5”. Other things like stepping out and stepping up into positions followed. Wasn’t about fame and glory though, but it was about one of the reasons that made me stay behind – to make an impact, to serve. It was important to me because I felt that my entry into the school was given by grace, as though God had marked a seat with my name saying that this seat is reserved for WX. Guess that sense of fulfilment was a major thing that made that additional year fruitful. Will I choose to make the same decision again as I stand here at this point in time? Definitely.

And from time to time, those times in the guitar orchestra still returns. I remember how on some days I was simply wrecked, I’ll just walk into the guitar room, pick a random corner in the room, pull out a guitar stand and a chair, and start practising my scores on the guitar. Soon, I’ll be immersed in what I was doing, leave those negative emotions behind and come out feeling as though the day just got better. Enjoying playing the guitar’s only part of the reason why that was great, haha guess it was also partly because I’m so-not-talented to the extent that I needed to practise some parts so hard and so many times that all my attention had to be on that one bar of melody. So I guess, not being so good at certain things ain’t all that bad. I remember too, that in 2011, when we first received the Kiko scores and ran through it to just get a gauge of how it should sound like, we all sight-read our parts and what we heard astounded us. It left so much feels within us. We imagined how it would be like when SYF comes, and woah that was !!! Sure enough, SYF was the time that we heard Kiko at its best, and it was amazing! I simply love the sound of us coming together. And I’ll never forget FOA2011, our swan song. For me, it was not just about standing on stage as a part of GO for the final time, but that a very good friend changed her flight and did whatever she could to surprise me during the intermission. Not to forget too, the friendships forged with my peers and with my juniors – received much love, grace and support in my first try at taking up official leadership.

Much reminiscence tonight. haha thanks to founders day. But also because just wanna take this opportunity to express my appreciation. Before 2009, I really wouldn’t have expected myself to be writing these. This school was never my goal nor would it have been one of my choices if not for the IB programme and my curiosity haha. Not a literature fan, but I’ll use an excerpt from one of those poets that I came across in that 3 years (who ended up as my favourite poet) to sum up my 感触 for this journey:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Just a few days back, I went onto Facebook and realised I had received a message. To my surprise, it was from one of my most respected teachers. Haven’t found the time to properly visit the school in the past 2 years and partly because he left the school ever since we graduated, I haven’t really talked to him. It’s a surprise that he remembers me, and bothers to just pop by and ask how I am doing :)

A simple gesture, but I was really touched by it.

It’s interesting how we often have this desire, perhaps unknowingly, to be known and to be remembered. Especially when these are people whom you have always looked up to. For them to even know you is like a WOW, you actually know such a small me?! And when they do know you for some reason (e.g. cos they were your form teacher), the fact that they remember you and bother to take the initiative to find out about your life makes you feel touched that you’re not just known, but well-remembered by them and cared for by them.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalms 139: 15-16

Glad to be known by the Most High, and to have come to the knowledge of Him on this day 10 years ago :) Blessed.

In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone.

I remember about a year plus ago, my IB friends who were born in 1992 got back their IB results. One of them whom I’ve always looked up to, got 45 points and posted this as his FB status, giving God all the glory.

I then decided in my heart within me that this shall be what I proclaim on the day I receive my IB results. And hence, I put it on my phone screen. In every victory, let it be said of me, my source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone.

I guess my memory is failing me on this, I can’t remember whether I proclaimed as such and whether I even blogged about my results.

But anyway, I receive 41 points, by God’s grace. Really all because of Him. And someone just told me yesterday, “Why didn’t you apply for scholarship? Your score is really good eh!”

It had been a tough 3 years in IB. Struggled much; those were my first times crying over studies. Changed much in terms of personality; stronger now. Gave thanks much, because having chosen to repeat a year beats having gone on with my cohort; God has blessed much, blessed abundantly.

This is a victory that I want to praise God for and I want to give glory to Him for. Indeed, in this victory, in every victory, let it be said of me: my source of strength, my source of hope, has always been and will always be, Christ alone.

I am raging right now. I don’t see the need to raise your voice at me, or to make fun of me like that. Especially when I think it’s VERY obvious that I’m having some trouble doing something, even if you don’t know what I’m doing.

And… why do I always find myself not being able to find a friend whom I can ask about things? And in this case, uni stuff. Scrolled through my msn and it isn’t hard to feel alone I realise. But well, got Anne to talk about it in the end still. Not like we actually reached a conclusion, but sometimes just being able to talk your thoughts out is good?

Thank God though, that He doesn’t leave me alone like that. He brings acquaintances who are somehow caring enough to remember me and ask me about things. Just at the right time. Or even if they don’t initiate the convo, I’ll find them online somehow and they will be willing to talk.

Thank God for Jared, for asking. The content probably wasn’t much, but the presence was greatly appreciated. And the fact that he said I could approach him if I need any help. Acquaintances you know. Thank God for bringing Thaddeus online, and Krystal too. Talking to them now, and hopefully can clear up some stuff. This thing about uni application is really stressing me up tonight.

I wish I’m not working now. I think I’ll need at least a week to sort out my thoughts and clarify what I need to, seriously.

God, this isn’t fun anymore :( It’s unlike what I thought. I thought I was prepared for it. I prepared for these things so much in the past few years but what is this now? Things that I haven’t heard of popping out… I don’t know, am I suppose to just apply to Medicine only, just by faith? Knowing that there might be a chance that I can’t reapply to another course? Is this really where you want me to go? GOD, HELP ME :(

Thank God for bringing me to church yesterday even though I was really late, and even though it was kinda torturous to have to face people and resist those tears. Kept fidgeting and keeping my mind occupied with everything so that I don’t break down.

I did my testimony in front of the unit yesterday. About my 3 years journey in AC. Before going for service, I actually wrote down on 4 pieces of paper about my results, so that I didn’t have to say it and so that I wouldn’t cry. But nooo, I teared still.

However, that was the last time I cried yesterday. After that, I was alright. Even when I got home, I was alright still, even when I was talking about it with God. I think I’ve recovered, thank You God for the healing :)

I am REALLY alright now, and am happy now. The thing is, I didn’t even feel it was alright to be feeling upset or to be crying over my results.

It’s 40 eh. God didn’t let me have to face my fears! I have never gotten anywhere near 40 at all in the past 3 years and now I am on 40! I should be praising the Lord, because this is ONLY by His grace!

I got a 6 in the subjects which I weren’t confident of and 7s in those I was and those I was really hoping to get a 7 in. In all the 5 subjects, I have never gotten those grades before! Other than Bio la, I got a 6 once before, so this is the second time. Are these not grades blessed by God already?

This may sound ego, sound prideful, whatever. But you know what, I AM HAPPY WITH 40, 40 IS REALLY GOOOOOD! Praise God, bless the Lord!!!

There’s one thing on my mind now and I really hope that God will hear this prayer. Yesterday, I shared about what He has done for me in the past 3 years, when tears were somewhat brimming, when my voice was breaking, when I kept having to clear my throat. They encouraged me and said that it was a good sharing. And piglet said it was alright when I said it was embarrassing to have cried in front of them. I really pray that it was really a good sharing, and it would be a sharing that everyone would remember in their lives. Not because I was the one who shared it, but because it was God who showered His love upon me and it was God who drew me near, who kept my faith, who kept me going on with Him through everything. And I hope they would remember this God whom I know, and that they would grow stronger in their faith in all that they are going through. I pray that their character would not buckle in tough times, but even when they have to be fools for Christ, they will go on with a prayer in mind, asking the Lord to be with them through it all. I pray that we all shine this way for God. In Jesus’ Name I commit this prayer, Amen.

I thought I was alright when I saw that. I knew I wasn’t elated, but I thought it was okay. I was fine… until Calida looked into my eye and asked how it was. Broke the news, and saw that in her eyes. I knew it the moment I saw my results – I’m not getting into medicine. Saw that in her eyes. I was trying to control myself, at least till we say bye to each other, but there she went, “You alright? You look like you’re going to cry.”

Felt so silly when tears streamed down. I was smiling, laughing when she said it stresses her when people cry, and reassuring her that I was fine. But tears just continued streaming down. Wanted to join the rest for lunch initially, but how to join them like that? Decided to just leave anyway. Ah well.

God, I really have no reason to be crying, to even be feeling disappointed. What, from a 28 pointer to what I am now, ought not I be glad, ought not I be thankful, ought not I be happy? I said to Jeremy, I ought to be happy. And I meant it. Been trying to…

When I went back into the hall to say thank you to the teachers, Mervyln congratulated me and said she felt happy for me. It’s genuine. I could see it. George… He was congratulating someone else when I was just standing behind the person, waiting to thank him, and he called through the gaps to say I’ve done well. OWTTE la. Lol I was, touched. To have someone whom I look up to so much to take notice of me and gave me his attention when I was small and probably quite hidden behind the person. Took a picture with him. The man is huge.

Lying so much today, behind the screen of my phone. “Are you happy!” “yep!” no.

But Gideon. Lol. His remarks were just… Lol bumped into him at the train station and I was smiling with red eyes and nose. Haha a bit mean but quite funny, but more importantly… They made a point – it’s really not bad at all. We should feel better. I should feel better.

Alice called when I was walking towards the MRT station. I saw the miss call but didn’t call back, even though I did think of going back to school to say hi, to thank her for loving me, for always remembering me. But with my face like that, nope! So I waited for her text… And it did come.

Seriously, who am I that got her attention? Like seriously, seriously?! Teachers who made an impact in my life? She’s one.

Her message served as a good reminder though. Cas’ which came in following that was as well. Thank God. Praise the Lord. Bless the Lord. Glory to God in the highest.

Honestly speaking, who do I even think I am? Hoping for a 43? Or 42? Seriously. God, You gave so much grace already and yet I’m unappreciative. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be feeling all these. Not because some others didn’t do as well, but because THIS is Your grace for me, Your say for my life.

Help me to accept this, Lord. And as I think about my future, guide me. You know my heart’s desires, you know who I truly am and what I’ll truly love. So lead me to that place, into Your promised land.

Thank You, Lord. I pray that as I go for the unit outing, You will lift up my spirit as it was originally. So that I won’t be a dampener, so that I will bring joy, so that I am an edifier. Praise You, God! Let all of me praise You.