September 2013

I tried so hard to clean up my truck driver mouth once I had kids. The problem is that kids make swearing not only a necessity, but an imperative… Each morning, I resolve not to swear. I state my intention out loud. I drop a fork, or spill some milk, and I say “oh crumb cakes” or “Cocoa Puffs”. Then we start our commute to school, and I’m suddenly possessed. I can’t really help the fact that the streets of Seattle are congested, there are so many bad drivers, and extremely aggressive pedestrians and bikers. Next thing I know, I’m dropping F-bombs right and left. That is why I’ve invented the amazing “Bleeper Plus” app. Please take a moment to fill out the NDA before reading further. You see, I fancy myself as some type of genius inventor; I’ve just never gotten past the idea phase. Here’s how the bleeper+ will work. The user selects from an array of happy voices, like Mother Theresa or the Fairy God Mother. My favorite is the Yoda voice downloadable. When I yell, you “douchey-mother-shit-bag”. The bleeper says, “Do or Do not…there is no try.” My other favorite is “The Hail Mary” prayer recited by Stewie Griffin any time I say a simple “God Damnit”.

Like this:

I admit, I had no idea what “DIY” meant. I had to ask a friend. My friend laughed at me and said, “of course you don’t know what ‘do it yourself’ means”. She may be right, but when it comes to fashion, I’m a Molly Ringwald from Pretty In Pink at heart. Way back in my high school days, before Seattle’s beloved Macklemore made it cool, I was scouring thrift stores. My favorite haunt, while growing up in Portland, was the Red, White and Blue Thrift Store. My sister and I would sift through endless racks of foul-smelling clothing for the perfect long black coat, a Hamburg hat, or a pair of black pointy stilettos that would complete our preppy/punk/new wave image we tried desperately to cultivate.