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I am so tired.. so tired .. I m tired of him not talking to me.. I m tired of seeing him staring off in space with blank eyes.. I am tired of seeing him cry ..i m tired of seeing him feel so helpless..I m tired of seeing him angry ..I am tired of watching him curb his urge to confront POSs.. I m tired of ups and downs .. I m tired of seeing all the happy couples on FB

How did my life become like this? I, never in my dreams, imagined I will reach here .. How in the hell I am here? This was never part of the plan.. Aaaaaaaaaaaa.. I hate what has happened .. I hate everything

I wanna scream or hurt somebody really badly .. I wanna kill POSs ..

I just want all of this to disappear .. I want to be with CL and be happy .. just the way i had imagined .. how the hell i m here???

It is exhausting. The ups and downs are enough to get you to the point you are at, that's for sure.

Take a breath and try to go easy on yourself.

Go to CL and talk to him, cry together, you can get through this together.

Can you get out of your own head for awhile and try to do something simple that you enjoy today?

Suppressing your feelings only locks them in place.

Posts: 52133 | Registered: Sep 2007

EvolvingSoul♀ 29972Member # 29972

Posted: 4:52 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013

Oh gosh I do know just how you feel. Our BS's seem very similar in their pain. I had a melt down myself a couple of days ago.

I wish I could say it gets better quickly but the truth is it has happened very, very slowly. Much of it has depended on me fixing myself so that I can actually empathize with him enough to really understand the depth of the damage. That process takes time and so being able to give him what he needs to heal does too. The result is that we are on very different places on the healing curve.

The bright side, if there is one to all of this, is that I am finally having the courage to figure my shit out. Issues I thought I would never ever acknowledge or discuss are getting out in the open now. First to me and my therapist, then to BS and our MC, and finally, if it's appropriate, to my family and the world at large. It's a transition from hiding things in darkness with fear of exposure to being willing to step into the light.

Like all transitions, things usually don't go smoothly. In the past I formed and maintained relationships with people based on the way I felt in their presence rather than on the way they and I actually were. I'm working on changing that but in the mean time I'm in a relationship NOW with someone who is in agony much of the time. It does not feel good to be in his presence when he's showing his pain outwardly. My impulse, my old and crappy coping mechanism, would be to distance myself emotionally and/or physically. The challenge now is to maintain my equilibrium while having this really uncomfortable experience of witnessing his pain. It takes a lot of mental energy to override that impulse and I think that's why we get tired.

You know by this time that there's no magic bullet. Infidelity creates terrible, life changing wounds. When I was 18 I was hit by a car doing about 40 mph. Miraculously I did not die but the injuries I sustained have had life long effects on how some of my bones and joints function now. It's something I wish didn't happen, and I'm really glad I survived it but I will never be the same as I would have if it didn't happen. I think it's about getting to acceptance.

Okay this got very rambley and I have no idea if it's helpful but in any case I wanted you to know that I can relate to your feelings and they are perfectly natural feelings to have given our situations.

And come to think of it, I did scream and break something during my melt down. I do angry cleaning and I slammed a kitchen drawer so hard that I broke something inside it. A shard of it ended up on the floor which of course I stepped on and cut my foot. The bleeding kind of shocked me out of my anger fugue. It wan't too long after that that I posted my vent here on SI, complete with Aaaaaargh! I cried, wailed, growled, just let the excess emotional energy bleed off. It did help.

The bright side, if there is one to all of this, is that I am finally having the courage to figure my shit out. Issues I thought I would never ever acknowledge or discuss are getting out in the open now. First to me and my therapist, then to BS and our MC, and finally, if it's appropriate, to my family and the world at large. It's a transition from hiding things in darkness with fear of exposure to being willing to step into the light.

I like these words. They point out that in the midst of the worst that there is...hope.