This corner of the room...this Thread... shall be given over to Jocularity, to all those things mentioned in the Title..concerning CARS & Car Racing!

Oil Changing InstructionsWomen:1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.2. Drink a cup of coffee.3. 15 minutes later, write a check for $40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts. Write a $50 check for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Dump old oil from last oil change in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for jack stands.4. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.6. Place drain pan under engine.7. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench.8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent wrench.9. Unscrew drain plug with vise grips.10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.12. Look for oil filter wrench.13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.15. Beer. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him.16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.17. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 16.18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.19. Walk to 7-11, Buy beer.20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.22. Dump quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.26. Slip with crescent wrench and bang knuckles on frame.27. Bang head on same frame in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench.28. Hit Miss December 1992 with wrench. Cuss additional 10 minutes.29. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.30. Beer. Dump in remaining 4 quarts of oil.31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.32. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one jack stand.33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) to spill (step 22).34. Drive car to O'Reilly's. Buy new filler cap and one quart of oil.35. Open hood in front of O'Reilly's. Remove rag (step 31).36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.37. Go back in O'Reilly's. Buy another quart of oil and a filter wrench.38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.39. Remove new oil filler cap and dump in another quart of oil.40. Ignore the oil trail made going to O'Reilly's while driving back home.41. Stop in front of the 7-11 when the old oil filler cap goes bouncing down the pavement. Stock up on beer while there since it's almost time for a spark plug change.-Larry McCartt

Edited by zuzulo56 (02/29/1207:55 PM)

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Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.From the Sydney Morning Herald, Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

A young gal was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautifulJaguar XK140 convertible ("WD-40 Ragtop"). It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue whatwas wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be thematter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the enginewas purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Edited by zuzulo56 (02/29/1205:35 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?" "Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." "Well, there's a gallon of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!", he reported with a smile. "Did you do a good job?" she asked. "Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you," hesaid, "That's not a Porsche back there -- it's a Mercedes!"

You know its time to change your car when..... 1. You spend more on oil than on petrol 2. Your car leaves three types of liquid in your parking space 3. You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are in a hurry 4. You feel good if you beat a cyclist at the lights 5. You get invited to join a car restoration club 6. Your neighbours all chip in to buy you a car cover 7. Your car leaves more smoke than a David Copperfield show. 8. Somebody breaks in and fits a radio 9. Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming10. And Finally, you know its time to change that car when some old duffer tells you that they are the best car ever made.

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

You know you have too much horsepower when:1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto therollers.2. You can't drive your car in the rain.<<<<<<<<3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.<<<<<<<<<<4. You are afraid to drive your car.5. You spend more on tires than on food.6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped tothe dash.<<<<<<<<<<8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.<<<<<<<<<<<<10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift backto red as you're receding.15. You arrive somewhere before you left.16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you goif "they can look under the hood."17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in beingin the Cannonball Run.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drivethe car.22. You need parachute braking.23. 'significant other' won't even ride in the car.24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door isopened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with ife-sized postersof your car.27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is thewindshield. (what else is there to clean???)30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145mph.

Edited by zuzulo56 (02/29/1206:14 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

TOP 10: LAWS OF AUTO RACING 10) The number of times you get hit in a pileup is directly proportional to the number of times you said "I think it will go ok today". 9) You only get the lead when you need fuel. 8) If a tire can go on the wrong side, it will. 7) A part will never break during a test session, only during a race. 6) The driver behind you is always the one you punted last week. 5) The part you left at the shop is the one you need. 4) The number of laps remaining is always one more than the amount of fuel left in the car. 3) Your good car will get wrecked, your bad car will finish the race, two laps down. 2) The concrete wall is harder at the tracks you wreck at. 1) A 10-car pileup will never happen *behind* you!

Edited by zuzulo56 (02/29/1206:24 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

You find that you need a new house because you’ve outgrown your garage, and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the road, or the front yard

You look on the purchase of tools as a long term investment.

The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of importance):1) 8 car climate controlled garage with an attached shop2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motor home, a crew-cab dually, a 28’ enclosed trailer, and a 34’ fifth-wheel.3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder4) A grease pit5) Convenient to a hazardous waste disposal site6) Deaf neighbors7) Across the street from a paint and body shop8) Some sort of house with working toilet and shower on the property somewhere, or hookups for the motor home/

You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires.

You sit in you race car in a dark garage, and make car noises, shift gears, and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice, and greets you by name.

You have car parts in your cubicle at work.

You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is “Gentlemen, start your engines!”

You can’t remember when you last worked on weekdays, and rested on the weekends.

You’re registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.

Your Christmas list begins with another set of Hoosiers and Carrillo rods; and your significant other knows what they are.

You have a separate drawer for “garage clothes”.

People know you by your class letter, car number and car color.

Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book Carroll Smith ever wrote… And 400 car magazines, none of which has a center fold.

People know you by your “offs”. “Oh, you’re the one who was stuck in the mud at Road Atlanta last weekend”.

You are happiest when your street car’s tires are worn to racing depth, and the wear bars are showing.

When something falls off your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.

You sometimes hear little whimpering noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.

You walk proper lines through the grocery store

You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires that could have been purchased.

You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets of tires.

You sit in you race car in a dark garage, and make car noises, shift gears, and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice, and greets you by name.

Your Christmas list begins with another set of Hoosiers and Carrillo rods; and your significant other knows what they are.

You have a separate drawer for “garage clothes”.

People know you by your class letter, car number and car color.

People know you by your “offs”. “Oh, you’re the one who was stuck in the mud at Road Atlanta last weekend”.

HE-he he! Great...especially enjoy : "You sometimes hear little whimpering noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in." (Although I suspect that they may begin moaning when they first recognize your plans to turn-in.)

Edited by zuzulo56 (03/05/1211:31 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

A SECOND fine example of why "Dearest Mother" would warn us young lads to "Keep your darn-eyes glued to yer rear view mirror, when On The Grid & waiting for the start...don't want some smart-aleck hooking a chain to yer race car's axle!"

These fellow's didn't listen:

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

It has ALWAYS been a worrisome thought that if, one day, the earth is bereft of air, then "Air-Cooled" engines...won't be...and the "Water-Pumpers" will be in total charge. Of course, if the water also disappeared...then the joke's on us!

Edited by zuzulo56 (10/25/1205:14 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as smoke. Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

--For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward. Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires. It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets. Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

A few Lucas quips: The Lucas motto: Get home before dark. Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit. Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper. Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp. The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE. The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics. If Lucas made guns, wars would not start.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators. This has been referred to as the smoke theory. When the smoke comes out its finished, cooked or done for. ************************************************************

{REMEMBER!: To make the print size more palatable (Readable), Depress the "CTRL" key and spin the mouse wheel...OR Depress the "CTRL" key and then tap the "+", "-" keys!}

Edited by zuzulo56 (12/09/1211:02 AM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

Never much "Giving-a-..." for automotive crests... I haven't wondered, till now, if ole Ferdinand & Enzo (who was always willing to sue anyone, incl. the Pope, at the drop of an Italian Chapeau...just ask the Bellini Bros. ["The Boys"]), ever had a dust-up over The Prancing Horse...and maybe even the colour Red! You'll recall F.P. DID steal many engineering ideas from The Tatra Motor Car Works. (<<<>>> Below)Probably, the F-man used them first...and the irascible I-tie did the purloining.Does anyone have knowledge answering to this possible trademark infringement?http://www.vintageracerules.com/forums/ubbthreads.php/topics/5203/Porsche#Post5203

<<<>>>: A Brief Illustrated History of TatraBy Paul Niedermeyer on January 5, 2008

"Ferdinand Porsche’s design of the Beetle is a scaled-down version of the Tatra (minus the fin). So much so that after decades of legal battles, VW finally settled and paid 3 million Marks to Tatra in 1961. (Ledwinka’s four-cylinder Tatra 97 was so embarrassingly similar to the VW then under development that the Nazi regime halted its production after their invasion of Czechoslovakia."

Edited by zuzulo56 (12/29/1211:18 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!

Some advise, "never tell a first timer to release the clutch and apply the gas simultaneously. that's bad teaching. it's too complicated. simply apply a small amount of acceleration then slowly let up the clutch. just like that you'll take off. so easy a 13yr old can do it."(--Casey Neistat)*********************************************BUT I SAY!... what's the bleeding Red-Line, on the Tach, there for...if NOT to be used in taking off from a standing start? ESPECIALLY in wet, or icy, conditions....and anyways, I just LOVE the smell of asbestos (and napalm).

Edited by zuzulo56 (01/28/1305:29 PM)

_________________________
Ronald James Michael MarinHristos Anesti!...So, Be cool and play nice!