Monthly Archives: January 2014

As a Communication professor, I often give my students an assignment that they have dubbed the “cyber stalking” assignment. I ask them to choose a friend and find out as much as they can about that individual online. I tell them to use a critical eye, as if they were a future employer. What do they see? What are the implications of every photo, every comment, every update? All of it communicates something about the individual.

After this assignment, my students are invariably shocked at the picture that has emerged and I then urge them to scrub their own digital presence (no more photos holding red plastic cups!). I explain that the internet has become a log of our lives, an addendum to every cover letter and resume we send out, an attachment to every performance review at work. I stress the importance of curating your online presence.

But lately I have begun to see the downside of a curated life. All those students and friends who have taken to heart such warnings now present themselves well online. They post beautifully constructed facades of vacations, achievements, happy accomplished children and the results are, well, isolating.

For many of us with friends scattered around the country and the world, social networking sites (and even the holiday newsletter) are the primary way that we learn about each other’s lives. But what we learn from the curated life is only half the story.

The child who starred in the dance recital or won MVP in little league or came in first at the spelling bee, also has meltdowns over homework, suffers from anxiety attacks, talks back and slams doors, is bullied or is a bully. The friend with the great promotion works 80 hour weeks and hasn’t seen her friends or spouse for dinner in 6 months. The college friend who always looks so cheerful in her photos is deeply depressed over losing her job, but is too ashamed to post it. But to read the updates you would never know.

The result of this is that it makes it harder for everyone to talk honestly about the meltdowns, anxiety attacks, conflicts, bullying, the challenges of working, living, and parenting. The result is that we are all left alone to cope. Coping is especially hard when we believe we are the only ones.

The curated life turns each of us into our own PR agents. We may look great on the screen, but the process leaves us little room to be real.

The answer may not be to stop curating, but to pick up the phone, or better yet, meet in person. Call a friend and tell them what’s really going on. When you are with others, be real about what is going on in your home. More often than not, the other person will feel relieved and open up about their challenges as well.

Something is happening. It is percolating in our society- bubbling up in disparate and surprising places. It is born out of a deep spiritual dissatisfaction with American society though its manifestations are profoundly positive.

We see it in education where parents, teachers and students are revolting against high stakes testing and common core standards. They do so because they love learning and they believe that an emphasis on scores and quantitative data obscures the meaning of education. They are tired of a rat race that is so focused on future careers, that it loses sight of raising happy, healthy citizens.

We see it in the slow food movement, where people are joining together to promote local communities, traditions and farms. They seek to restore pleasure to eating, asking people to sit down together for a meal- to savor both the taste of the food and each other’s company.

We see this in the NFL (of all places) where the Seattle Seahawks are including meditation and yoga in their training. Even in the violent sport of football, this team has found the benefit of caring for the entire player- for his soul, his body and his mental well-being. They believe they can excel in the game (and their record supports them on it) and take care of their players.

What do these things have in common? They are rejections of the status quo. They are rejections of our society’s relentless pursuit of the end-result without any regard for the process or journey. They are statements that the journey matters. They are affirmations of the importance of being human; of all the different ways of being human.

There are others out there doing innovative things; resisting the march to conformity. We should honor and encourage these movements (even if we personally might not choose them) because they broaden our definition of what it means to be human. This broader definition opens up greater possibilities for all of us.

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.”

Fifty years later Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s words still inspire. They still call us to our better selves, rallying us in his cry for a moral and just society.

What is in the power of these words that still resonate today- even amongst those who have never felt the stinging bigotry of segregation, the brutal violence of racism? Dr. King’s voice is haunting as it demands we honor his dream of justice. We cannot help but be by moved by his idealism and moral courage.

On another level, we can all relate on some level because we all have dreams. Some are narrower in focus- for ourselves and for our children. Some are broader- imagining a world of economic justice or an end to war (things of which Dr. King also dreamed.) But we are all united in having dreams. But sometimes are dreams seem too far and unattainable.

It is perhaps easy in today’s fast moving, global society to believe that our problems are insurmountable- that idealism is synonymous with naiveté. Too many of us romanticize the past- believing that in the 1960’s once could change the world and that now it is no longer possible.

The truth is, of course, much scarier. In the 1950’s and 1960’s the problems of segregation and racism also seemed insurmountable. Change seemed unattainable. What makes Dr. King’s message so powerful and scary is that it was more than his dream. It was his life’s mission that he worked tirelessly to achieve. What is scary is not that things cannot change now. What is scary is that they could if we backed up our dreams with action.

We cannot and should not dismiss idealism as merely dreams. We cannot give up on making our lives and indeed, everyone’s lives, better simply because it is difficult. Dr. King’s dream involved sacrifice and perseverance. It involved action and commitment. It was a bold dream fueled by moral conviction and fierce courage.

It is tempting to walk away from Martin Luther King Day congratulating ourselves as a nation for how far we have come (though it is clear that on many levels Dr. King’s dreams are not fully realized). It is tempting to long for a past when such change was possible and cite the reasons it no longer is. But we should hear Dr. King’s message as a rallying call to our dreams, a shining example of what is possible when dreams are backed up with actions.

It’s coming. You know it is- maybe this week, maybe next week, but by February, you know it will have arrived- the moment when you decide that your New Year’s resolution is just not worth it.

One of the problems is that you made a resolution and not a commitment. Resolutions are decisions you make to do or not do something. Commitments are about being dedicated to something larger, whether it is yourself, your community, or a value.

In coaching, I ask my clients to make commitments, not resolutions. Commitments are firm and binding and at times, require sacrifice. But commitments give our lives meaning. There are many different types of commitment. Commitment to our values invests our lives with meaning. Commitment to ourselves fills our lives with integrity and purpose. Commitment to our families strengthens our bonds. Commitment to our work increases productivity and satisfaction. Commitment to the Divine infuses our lives with the sacred. Commitment to our communities engages us in the collective and brings us together.

So this year, throw away your resolutions and start making commitments instead. The stakes are higher but the rewards are better. If you feel yourself faltering, enlist the help of friends, loved ones or a coach to help you hold to your commitments.