Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

September 25, 2006

24 MINIMALIST EDITION

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Last Time: Jack and Curtis narrowly escaped a dynamite attack by the Marwan brothers, and survived thanks to the acrobatic capabilities of their SUV. Chloe she tasered Haig to keep her from impeding Chloe’s progress, and set up a command center at CTU to find out how the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company has been involved with the Marwans. Julian and Marwan went to Thugmart to pick up more thugs, since they keep running out of them. Jack and Curtis arrive at Thugmart while Julian is still inside, just in time for all three of them to see Marwan coming over the hill with a LOT of zombies from a nearby cemetery store.

12:00 am – Marwan continues toward the parking lot. The zombies following him aren’t going to very fast, which is making Marwan pretty mad. He tries to get them to move faster by insulting the tombstones they were buried under, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Jack tells Curtis to get ready for the incoming zombie attack.

12:01 am – Inside Thugmart, Julian makes a panicked phone call to Hollywood’s headquarters, and demands to speak with Janosz. Janosz, who has a really weird accent, gets on the phone and excitedly asks Julian how Vigo is doing. Julian says, “For the last time, Marwan IS NOT Vigo!” This is still confusing for Janosz, but Julian continues anyway. Julian tells Janosz that what he’s really worried about are the zombies out in the parking lot, and wants to know why Marwan is leading them. Janosz gets really quiet, and asks “What zombies?”

12:03 am – Jack tells Curtis that any minute now, the zombies are going to attack so they should be ready to go.

“You see, sometimes bringing back the dead from the great beyond works quite well. I can tell you that many members of congress have transitioned quite nicely, with some notable exceptions.

"Now, by ‘sometimes’, I mean that usually what will happen is that the person that gets brought back turns out fine. There is the odd occasion where they start turning pale, they don’t bleed if they get hurt, and then it’s straight to the complaining.

"They’ll say, ‘I’m hungry! Were can I get some good brains around here?’ Then you try and tell them, ‘No! You can’t have any brains!’ and they’re all like, ‘Oh, pleeeease? I really want some! I’m kinda hungry! Can’t you spare a little bit?’ – You know? And it just doesn’t work out, because eventually, you know, they go for you – and that’s not good. They’ll be chasing you around, and they’re not that quick, but eventually they’ll find you. So, what’ll happen is, you’ll be sitting around for a couple of days, minding your own business, watching a football game, and then you’ll hear some scraping on the door. You’ll ask ‘Who is it?’, and they’ll say, ‘It’s me’. And you’ll say, ‘Oh, what do you want?’ And they’ll say, ‘I want your brains’, and you’ll say, ‘No, you can’t have my brains’. Then you have to leave, because if you don’t leave, they get a WHOLE bunch of their friends, and they come over and they start pounding on the windows and the doors, and they’re like ‘Let me in!’, and you’re like, ‘No, I don’t want to do that’. They keep banging on the door anyway, and then they’ll get in the ventilation system – and you don’t want that because it just stinks the whole place up. Then you have to leave. So you leave for a few days, you go some place else. And what happens? Shamble-shamble-shamble. They follow you. And then they find you, again, and it’s the same thing over and over. So pretty soon, you have to do something about it, because they can get a whole bunch of friends. The only way you can really get them is to chop their heads off – cause once that happens, they’re gone.

"But, you know, these are the kind of chances we take when we bring them back. Sometimes it turns out good, like I said – sometimes not so much.”

12:06 am – Jack tells Curtis to get into flank two position, because the zombies will be here really soon. Curtis says he could have put about a hundred perimeters around the zombies by now. He suggests that he and Jack get closer to the zombies and start shooting, but Jack tells him that they should to stay put.

12:08 am – Julian asks Janosz whether or not this is going to happen to Marwan, and Janosz says that if Marwan has the ability to command the dead, then it’s only a matter of time before Marwan starts going after brains too. Julian doesn’t look to happy about this, but asks what to do about the immediate problem of the zombies.

12:10 am – Curtis checks his watch, and Jack tells him to be patient.

Commercial

12:15 am – Marwan has resorted to going behind the zombies and pushing them. That doesn’t hurry them up as much as it makes them fall face forward into the dirt.

12:16 am – Jack and Curtis poise themselves as the zombies finally get into range. Just as they’re about to shoot, Julian setups out of the Thugmart, and starts singing the following to the tune of “She'll Be Comin' 'round the Mountain”:

A zombie travels around in circles, yes it does!
A zombie travels around in circles, yes it does!
It rises up from the grave,
It tries to do “The Wave”,
It must learn to behave,
Yes it does!

12:17 am – The zombies have all stopped, started moaning even louder than they were before. It appears that they’re having problems dealing with this tune. Some of them are holding their hands to the ears, while others are trying to snap their fingers and stomp their feet to the beat of the song, but aren’t quite getting it.

12:18 am – Curtis yells at Jack, and tells him, “GREAT! How am I going to get THAT tune out of my head?” Jack calmly replies, “I’m a little more interesting in seeing how THEY are going to deal with it”, and points at the zombies.

12:19 am – Now that about half of the zombies are disabled, Julian switches tactics and sings the following song to the tune of “MacArthur Park”:

Marwan's Zombies are trudging in the dark
All their feet, and bodies slowing down
Someone left the cakes out with the brains
I’d run, but I don't think that I can out-fake them,
'Cause it’d take too long to stake them,
And I'll never use that recipe again!
Oh, no!

Curtis still has his hands over his ears, and tells Jack, “That doesn’t even make any sense! You can’t stake zombies!”

12:21 am – Now the rest of the zombies are holding their hands to their ears too, trying to figure out a way to make the song stop. Marwans yells at Julian, “What have you done??” Julian shouts to Marwan, “Go for the car!”

12:22 am – The zombies are in between the Marwan brother’s car and where Jack and Curtis are standing. Jack tries to fire at the Marwans and the thugs as they make their way to the car, but the zombies catch the bullets and don’t budge. The tires of the Marwans’ car squeal as the car goes in reverse, turns and drives away. Jack, Curtis, and the zombies are left out in the parking lot.

12:23 am – Curtis and Jack reload their guns and continue to fire at the zombies, but they finally run out of bullets. Suddenly, one of the zombies that has been humming the song to itself pulls it’s own head off! The head has a look of satisfaction at finally stopping the song, and the zombie keels over, dead. Again. For good this time. The other zombies see this happening, and all start pulling their heads off too. There are zombie parts everywhere.

12:24 am – Curtis and Jack run back to their car. A voice over the loud speaker outside of Thugmart says, “Clean-up in the parking lot” as Curtis and Jack drive away after the Marwans.

Commercial

12:28 am – Jack calls Chloe to let her know what just happened, and to see if she has any explanation for that. Chloe says that she can’t really blame them for wanting to tear their own heads off to try and keep those songs from playing over and over again in their heads. Jack asks her why in the world Julian would destroy a zombie army like that, especially one that Marwan controlled. Chloe says she doesn’t know, but she’ll add that to her analysis.

12:31 am – Marwan is yelling at Julian for making them give up on the zombies. Marwan says that some of the zombies were close personal friends of his, and he’s sure that none of them would have done a thing to hurt Julian. At least pretty sure. The thugs in the back of the car are all huddled up together, and they look scared. One of them is sucking his thumb.

12:33 am – Jack asks if Chloe knows where the Marwan’s car is right now. Chloe tells Jack that she has no idea, because she’s been working on information about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. Jack asks if there’s anyone at CTU that can help them find the Marwans. Jack hangs up and continues to drive in the general direction that the Marwans were driving in when they left.

12:35 am - A pizza delivery guy comes into the conference room which Chloe is standing in, and asks if she’s Chloe O’Brian. He hands Chloe a $300 bill for pizza topped with apple strudel, and asks for payment. She asks him why she’s the one getting the bill. He tells Chloe that the guy in the next conference room is the one that said she was in charge. Chloe storms out of her conference room into the one across the hall.

12:37 am – Standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by pizza boxes, is RoboEdgar. His face is covered in strudel and pizza sauce. He smiles at Chloe as she walks into the room, and tries to give her a hug, but Chloe tells him to back off. The pizza delivery guy walks in, and Chloe turns to tell him that the secretary at the end of the hall will be able to handle that for him, and to reactivate the Edgar account. He leaves.

12:39 am – Chloe tells RoboEdgar that he’s going to need to help Jack to try to find the Marwan brother’s car. She tells him that he’s not to stop for any fast food on the way, which makes RoboEdgar look really disappointed. She promises him a bacon-wrapped Ho-Ho when he gets back from helping Jack. She tells RoboEdgar to fly off and go help Jack. RoboEdgar does this, and then calls CTU maintenance to repair the hole in the roof that RoboEdgar just created.

12:42 am – Now that Marwan has finished yelling, Julian patiently explains to his brother why he let loose of the zombies. Julian tells Marwan that he might be turning into a zombie. He also believes that there may be a cure for becoming a zombie, but they have to head out of town before Marwan gets the urge to start eating brains. One of the thugs in the back seat passes out when he hears this.

12:45 am – Julian pulls up to a drive-thru to pick up some food, since they haven’t eat in quite a long time. He orders some burgers and drinks for himself and the thugs in the back of the car. Julian asks Marwan what he wants, and Marwan puts his hands up in front of him in a grabbing motion and yells “BRAINS!” Julian looks shocked, and Marwan starts to laugh, telling Julian to lighten up. All of the thugs in the backseat have passed out. Julian tries to laugh off the joke, but doesn’t look too convinced. He tells Marwan that the revenge on Jack Bauer has to end now, because they have commitments to their backers that they must carry out. They drive down the street, and take an exit onto the expressway.

12:48 am – Chloe calls Jack and tells him that RoboEdgar is on the way to help. Jack asks Chloe if she’s mad at him, since RoboEdgar doesn’t seem to be the stealthy type to help secretly find out where the Marwans are heading. Chloe says that she’s sorry, but it is the best she can do at the moment. She says that the research she’s done indicates that the executives from the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company are having a retreat somewhere north of Las Vegas, and there’s every indication that they are going to meet with the Marwan Brothers there.

12:50 am – A sign on the expressway, indicates exits Phoenix, Flagstaff, and “Just if it wasn’t clear, head north of Las Vegas”.

Commercial

12:55 am – After a grueling five minute drive, Curtis and Jack arrive at a large desert area north of Las Vegas. Jack calls Chloe to tell her that there’s really nothing out here but desert, and a really long chain link fence with warning signs on it. Chloe asks Jack to give her the latitude and longitude of where he is right now. Jack tells her that they’re near 37 degrees, 14 minutes North, and 115 degrees and 48 minutes West. Jack’s call to Chloe goes dead.

12:56 am – Jack turns on the light in the car, and looks at the phone. He hits it with his hand a couple of times and Curtis suggests using the buttons would probably make it work a lot better.

12:58 am – The phone rings again. It’s Chloe, and she tells Jack they have to get out of their RIGHT AWAY. Jack asks why they need to leave, since they just got there had haven’t found Marwan yet. Chloe says, “You’re in the wrong place! You’re near Area 51!” The phone line cuts out again.

12:59 am – Curtis says he doesn’t like the sound of this at all, and goes to start the car. The lights of the car flicker and go out just as the engine dies. Jack’s phone is turned off too. They hear a loud humming noise, and then a bright light from above shines through their windshield.

Poor Jack and Curtis have to share our earwigs? Hopefully CTU training has equipped them to handle this.

By the way, how many hours are left in this day? I've long since lost track. Steve, I think you should continue until January, even if that's longer than 24 hours.

On another note, I was stocking some board games at work when I found: the 24 DVD Game!!! I wonder if the plot on this game is half as entertaining as Steve's summaries. I think I'd have a hard time playing it without blog contibution.

bookworm - The day started at 7am, and that's where it'll end this time around for this story. (Six hours to go!) I think I've been doing this for around 40 weeks now (if you count when I started during the regular season), and this "day" will end around Thanksgiving, just in time to concentrate on all the craziness of the holiday season.

I'm sure all the blog folks will be here when the next season of "24" starts, and I'll be there to join in too. :-)