THE LONG GOODBYE

By: Diane Feen

Now that the ballots are counted and the political races are over we can get back to our lives. We can count our blessings that no one is trying to convince us that their party (or cause) is the one to covet. We can relish the return to normalcy and make correct decisions about the things that really matter to us: picking the best toothpaste, cleaning products and dog food.

We can also indulge in the graciousness of our political candidates. Although I waited in line to vote (for nine hours) and fielded calls from volunteers of both parties, I did not do much in the way of getting votes for our candidates (if you don’t count Facebook).

But I am feeling like a hero.

This inflated sense of self is not an inherent one. It is merely due to the overwhelming letters and emails I have received from political candidates and their colleagues. US senator Barbara Boxer thanked me for contributing more than $1.5 million for candidates across the country, Michele Obama thanked me for mykindness, warmth, and love and Bill Clinton sent me his praises as well.

All this is wonderful, I thought, I now have friends in such high places (even though Caroline Kennedy did not call). But it was when Elizabeth Warren said that I can help protect seniors, put more people back to work, and build a better future for our country that I began to realize my full potential.

I may have taken a Tony Robbins course, attended a James Finley lecture and read Deepak Chopra books, but I did not realize what a great human being I had become. I did have some proof though, I was offered a discount at Sweet Tomatoes (if I arrived by 5pm) a $10 coupon from Fox’s (if I shop on Veteran’s Day weekend), a Thanksgiving Dinner invitation from Cut 432 (if I pay $45) and a huge discount on Romeo and Julie cocktail dresses from Loehmann’s (if I shop at lunch time).

I could not believe my good fortune. The election had not only bolstered my self-esteem, but it has given me the necessary credentials (and prestige) to sign up for Law of Attraction Singles or match.com. I may not be a beauty queen but who else can brag that they received a personal email from US House of Representatives Ted Deutch? Ted thanked me from the bottom of his heart for my friendship, my guidance and my trust. He also thanked me for sending him back to Washington (I don’t remember buying him a ticket, but memory loss is one of the hazards of aging).

I was feeling so good (and omnipotent) until I realized that I had let Adam Hasner down. Apparently he had sent me an email that I overlooked in my inbox. He told me that the race was close but we were almost there. He also said America was counting on me (he must have heard how great I am) and that if I got in line by

7 pm I could cast my vote.

I was crestfallen when I heard that Mr. Hasner had lost his bid for a seat in Congress. I thought I could do no harm, make no mistakes and that I had unnatural powers. So I did what any American would do – I emailed Mr. Hasner and offered him one of my favorite possessions – an antique chair bequeathed to me by my grandmother from Cleveland. It may not be a Congressional Seat, but it sure is comfortable. And it did not cost $2 billion to attain.