Monthly Archives: March 2013

Funny how I started this post without actually having any idea what it’s title might become, and at the moment with the still throbbing ache on the tip of my finger the title seems even less important, because I know I am on the trail of the solution to what p.a.i.n.s.(pay attention I need something) me at the present moment. Now that I have cleared the more pressing answers my body had been trying to get my attention about. Kind of like what I have noticed about many things in my life. The loudest, most annoying, the tastiest, slowest, fastest, whatever is in our main line of focus, usually gets our fullest attention.

Especially for me, since I feel and know that is how I best get and receive my guidance from Source through the sensations I notice and do something about. Or ignore until the object becomes too loud or sore to be left unattended, like I have done with both of my two index fingers in the last few weeks. As the one on the right hand at the knuckle only aches occasionally when I get mad at someone else for their causing me to be aware of my neglecting of me when I put them and their opinion first.

Though the left one I have tended in that hmmm, must have a thorn, sticker or splinter in it… it will fester and eventually come out on its own. Except for yesterday when I finally realized the solution to my what felt like a daily pen cleaning ordeal (this morning he cleaned them flawlessly without reading my blog or me saying anything). So I then sat down with tweezers, a needle, a pair of tiny surgical scissors and good light to pull off the hardened calloused spot, and hopefully easily extract whatever laid embedded there.

To find nothing as I probed, squeezed and prodded, except for the story that has been rambling in my head that seems so… just there out of reach. A place I visit occasionally, enjoy for a few moments, play with it, then put it away for more important things. Discovering this morning my finger has had enough of my nonsense and excuses as it annoyingly pointed at me “you’ve dealt with the anger, figured out about other people’s opinions, the need for a fresh start, and all these other roadblocks to your living life for those you know… Now go, write, find your truth, and find this answer that keeps playing with you in your dreams. Leaves whispers in the silence, shows up on emails, opened pages, license plates, and passing signs. Go write, explore, live like you imagine, search the piles of no’s, not acceptable, doesn’t fit, and everybody elses ideas. It really is okay!”

So I came in, sat down, opened emails, laughed and shared on Facebook till I felt a little more relaxed, less pushed, and prodded still unsure what might come out…

It’s been years (no ache from finger) this story so safely tucked away, which I only am allowed to play with in dreams and occasional meditations that I am usually guiltly startled out of. The trail would get warm and inviting as I ventured out upon it, then would speak of my desire for this dream out loud, not aware of the invitation to share was not denied, more just rewound for me to figure out my life long habits of others first. Until I changed and learned it really is okay to be the me that I almost lost, as I seemed to always be running so hard and fast trying to fit who I was supposed to be to others.

My dream had to hide, bury itself deep enough to keep the flame of remembering loving myself and that one amazing year experienced without anyone from my past to walk in with their rendition of who I had been and would always be…according to them. The safety of being completely new with no labels, no expectations, no siblings, family, or acquaintances opinions to be compared to, as I created the me I had fantasized and dreamed about growing up in the big city of San Antonio. Miles away from the country life, horses, cattle and cowboys that so cause my heart to race.

My soul began to fly, my wings to spread as that life sprouted and came to life in and around me. No denying having fun, experiencing anything and everything hundreds of miles from home, up in the big country of Alpine, Texas. I came out of the cage of others expectations as I explored all the nooks and crannies of living out on the land amongst cattlemen, ranchers, and fellow students away from home for the first time learning to experience and find themselves.

Of meeting this one guy, becoming friends, supporters, compadres, card players, and cronies in the crimes of shenanigans that come with freedom from rules and watching eyes. Being introduced to his folks, sharing meals, late nights at the hotel desk with others studying, swapping tales, just being whoever we desired, as we easily parlayed a lot of our shared secret dreams into reality.

Brought to a close, when my parents picked me up at the end of the spring semester and he came up to help load the truck. Clean cut, shaved, nice shirt, jeans, boots, and his brown cowboy hat with the over-sized turkey feather reaching over to introduce himself, before he hefted my book loaded down foot locker into the back of dad’s truck. That look on my parents faces, I was doomed, I had done the worst thing possible… chosen without checking the rules and guidelines laid out for the girls in our family.

My finger’s not aching. The tension in my shoulders that I hadn’t noticed when I started, just went slack, soft. As I realize I’ve been pointing at my own heart, so locked away from losing this piece of the puzzle. The dream inside so many of us which one may not realize may be behind the symptoms in their bodies that mysteriously keep them in pain, sick, hurting or waiting… for them to notice their very own bodies are trying to connect with them to fully be alive, by validating and becoming whatever truly makes their heart sings.

These last few times of frustration and tiredness I knew were trying to get me to let go, back off, and take a break so that the bigger picture could reveal itself to me, over what felt like a battle of the wills. As I would walk out to find the chores done haphazardly, hurriedly, and in no way the image I desire for my perspective new and present clients to find whenever they come down to the horse pens.

Though I have become highly appreciative at how easy and fast the re-doing or putting away the items left out has become. As I have consistently paid attention to my son’s complaints and noticed any time I spot some step that could be accomplished in a different fashion with better tools, different placement of hoses, racks, doors and even changing the type of latches to make things easier to do if one’s hands are full.

It’s just yesterday I so suspected the much needed rain is about to be here and from past experience know that dry waste material is easier to maneuver and move. So I decided with my current amount of horses to ride down to just 3, figured I could clean, fix, and re-do all the stalls with my extra time. Finding myself comfortably cleaning, enjoying the slow, rhythmic pace of shifting through the shavings, raking down the high spots as allowed myself to enjoy the quiet time of just me, connecting with the peace I find in doing these few simple cleaning chores.

Fascinated as I caught myself humming an old country tune by Bill Anderson about having love on the tip of his fingers, when suddenly I saw this movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to figure it out. I was amazed at the picture that was laid out before me of all the pens now neat and in order. All of the empty stalls with clean buckets, freshly hung hay bags and nice clean ground awaiting the next horses and my own horse pens with fresh shavings raked out in a nice soft layer waiting for their occupants return. I saw the reason this lesson kept aggravating me almost too full frustration every day, even after all of the effort I have put into making it easier for anyone having these chores to do.

The whole message I had been trying to get myself to notice with all this discussion over cleanliness and perspective of clients first impressions. Wasn’t about him doing it right, it was me trying to get me to see how much I, like everybody else, need a fresh start, a clean slate, a new place to begin any and every day. Life is so much easier not carrying around all of the baggage from the day before, much less if we are lugging years of old laundry, images, memories and trash from our past.

A thousand different thoughts flashed through my mind of people I have known before that I have yet to allow them to have changed to become someone different, better, kinder, or realer than when we last met. There is so much stuff I have hung onto about me and how I might be perceived from someone else because of some incident 30 or 40 years ago. Thinking how much I have been taught to judge how I utilize each minute of the day by the value of my time if I do it wrong to some standard that I have to live up to.

So imagine the freedom I have now found in liberating myself and all others from my storehouse of back then to now. Like when I explained to my son how going to school is about learning how to think. Not memorizing facts and regurgitating them back. The letting him and myself off the hook for something not done right yesterday… it always has worked out before, I just couldn’t see it because of the blinders of being taught what to expect or look for so I will know I am doing things right… For Who?

Added to this was my morning discovery of the loss of my dictionary, which I queried my son about. Who came back with a quick retort of “Mom the dictionary??? You are right there” he said with a silly grin. I found the humor in now having no dictionary to look up every word to make sure I was using it the right way, spelling it in just the right fashion. No set of rules to bind me from being free to more easily express myself.

As I thought about how for years when I saw buzzards my first thought was death, something has died and there’s Universe’s sign. Compared to my realization of how free flying they are, as they soar in finding each wind current. Being lifted up to flow with the air, not because they have to fly to find food, having to scan each and every inch of earth. The flight is their thing to rise up, soar, majestically following the currents. They trust and know what they need is provided, they sense and feel when there is something that catches their glance, to zero in on, alight, take part in a meal. Life is that way when we allow it to guide us as we enjoy the living and breathing all the wonders it has for us fully in. As we explore how we view it, live it and become fully all of us living it. Alive, creating, experiencing, being!

Seems like the gel time in my thoughts from the start of this blog in my mind almost a week ago, kind of got stuck in that funny stage of… no not yet, almost there, oops, no this other one first, then another, till finally a little while ago I felt the center of the pool of goo that has been slowly trying to set, and voila… now it flows easily out onto the page. I am giving myself permission to be okay with this too.

I have had these ever increasing bouts of tiredness and occasional pains as I was trying to come to a comfortable medium with me over what all of these symptoms from within my body, has been trying to communicate with me. Especially since each of the various aches or sensations I could easily figure out on their own.

Such as: first one of my horses shows up a little lame on the right, then a second horse gashes open his left foot, till finally I get myself stepped upon and bruised all the way from my ankle to heel. To then be blatantly asked after I have been working all day, then bruised, aching and hurt… “Mom, what are you fixing for supper?”

I then knew that I was allowing others to walk all over me if I was fully engaged in something else and then stopped to tend to their request. Even in as simple a way as stopping to answer a question, or pointing out an obvious answer that I knew they knew better than come ask me.

The other aches and pains usually followed the path of my not seeing another as capable as they could be to finish some chore or task completely. It seemed such a pain for them to try to do it better than expected. Same as the suddenly feeling extremely tired, over exhausted, just wanting to crawl deep under the covers and sleep the nagging feeling off. Till I realized it was just my body trying to get me to see the round cage I had trapped myself in, of doing certain things the same way, seeing the same answer, and struggling with the exact same results. To being so worn out, I wasn’t looking up to see there was no real top on the cage. There were rails on the side walls that at any time I could have climbed up, over and out. Except for I was having this huge dilemma of not seeing there was such an easy tool I could utilize, untill I had the last three days of lessons.

Where in each of my students would get to a certain place of frustration, trying too hard, and so good at beating themselves up for things not working out at home. Though they were telling me of the things that were getting easier, I could see so much progress and hear so much of the joy as they would discuss the fun of enjoying the changes that they were experiencing. With my ever present attention to the way they were handling the horse as they were telling about the issue they could not find an answer to. As I watched their body language showing how they were stuck, the answer they needed usually as simple as how they were holding the reins, the rope or their body. They were stuck by perfectly mimicking the exact moves they had been shown or taught.

And it struck me that once again the answer they needed was the exact one I had been searching for… The permission to try something, anything and everything different, than what had been taught or shown them. By getting creative, shorten the rope, sit taller, slump, turn sooner, later, move the objects, discover if there was glue on their fingers holding the reins to their skin. By getting them first aware, then laughing, then to have them play with the tools they had, look around to see what could be moved, or rearranged. Watch the horse, play with how they were standing, or the aura they were projecting.

Mostly just giving themselves permission to have fun with this, even if there was a possibility I might write about it. I am good about keeping who secret, being way to aware this is just as much about me, as it is about them. Because I know we are all mirrors to each other of what is going on in our lives. And this giving one’s self permission, is truly an important thing. As I realize now how most of my life, if I was given a list for another, I would accomplish it all.

Of course I would, if it kept someone else happy, I was not in the limelight, main spotlight, could not be nailed for whatever was wrong. Plus it explains why I have been so lifelong patiently waiting for my turn. I had been “it”, chief player in the who was to blame.

But no more… I now give myself full permission to play. To be first, to have it my way, to love, smile, laugh, cause joy, spread craziness, just muck around if I want to. I can now choose it all or none, a little or a lot. I give myself full permission to come out and be me… No Matter What! And it feels fantastic… waiting really does have a sweet pay off!

I have been pondering on the few places I still have this feeling of stuckedness and like many things which happen for me these days. I was led to watch two movies yesterday, when in almost getting to the end of the first movie “Amazing Racer” the young lady and then her mom were so distraught over the lies about each other having died years ago, which they had been told and been living by till the present learning of each others alive existence. I felt this complete upheaval course right through me of my constant living down and suppressing my biggest desire… so I tapped, got calm and finished the movie.

To be drawn to then watch “The Mistle-tones” and have another internal wakening of the same truth about me and how I have managed to even in the present day allow others, perplexingly enough, still have such seemingly easy access to cause the why I do what I do. Curious as to the common denominator, also known as the big machine of habit that still was silently running in my background, and as I pondered on possibilities I felt this incredible tiredness sweep over me.

Knowing my body was trying to communicate with me, I got up, turned down the temp, turned on my bed, did my stretches, got comfortably situated in bed, added a few lines to my nightly steps to move toward list, turned on a comfortable meditation tape and went to sleep.

To wake up groggily, hours later, staring at a time of 5:38 on the clock, feeling out of step with the morning and the present moment of what is going on? When I came to full awareness that I had not set my alarm for my am route drive. So began this quick start morning, shower, dressed, truck started, hair, makeup, wallet, my morning drink, still out the door and on time for my route. Though I had this feeling of something following me in my mind, which caused me to start tapping on this confusion of not being centered, not really being open to know, find and realize all of the views of me I have yet to fully recognize, so hidden, afraid to come out to be shut away again and ignored.

The ride seemed short, uneventful, as the tapping did help to sort of release the uneasy earlier feeling, and there were some fleeting ideas of interest. Yet I still felt on the move, close, yet in need of some missing pieces. I added the word “help” to my to do list as I parked the bus. With this rumbling sensation of turmoil of too close to the truth to be safe feeling… and the first of several text messages came through on my phone. As my friend it seemed, was pondering the same sort of unanswered, uncomfortable questions about “love, God, work, right, wrong and truth”. Which we then texted back and forth about for an hour or so, sort of just throwing more stuff on the pondering pile, until the immense feeling of tiredness over took me again. I decided a nap for the answers was in order, by first making sure I added that exact thought to my list, as I drifted easily to sleep.

The awakening of the answers so easily poured out of my mind into my now more comfortable feeling body. I just sat down and wrote the reasoning’s I feel words can so keep one stuck in a circumstance such as: What if the words that stick or suck for us, is because of what we have been taught and shown that word means is true for the person who told us “their idea of love is… pain, suffering, giving, sacrificing, etc. etc. etc.” and we live with that because it is all we know, we love them, they show us their truth is real by exemplifying that exact behavior.

So we are now stuck, until we can see or experience it in other ways, by other people, who view it differently. Maybe that is why so many words are uncomfortable to so many. They have been overused, or taught to others to have totally different meanings, and what one person says, is not the same as another understands, or even what the first person meant. Kind of like I do when I write. I use God, The Universe, Source, to convey the unconditional love feeling I have had the wondrous experience of a few times in my life.

I know some of the various teachings and teachers I have enjoyed listening and learning from to increase my own understandings, such as Abraham stays away from the word God… Because of all the different meanings the word god has been given…I know/ suspect that is why they talk about just the simple feeling good or bad, as luckily we all know and can feel the variances of those two.

Just as I become more clear of Who I truly am, I am becoming more and more aware of the trap that words do to me… because of what I have experienced and understood in the past over what a particular word might mean. As I become clearer, and freer with my feelings around particular long held beliefs, I have discovered how much of life I have held at a distance from others trying to help me see things from where they have stood or are standing. Though as I am learning to re/think and re-choose what a word might now mean to me, always open to the possibility that too could change again at some future time to come.

Kind of like the realization that came to me this weekend, that were I to re-meet Donnie (the cowboy I was friends with, had a terrific crush on in college, till my parents look of disapproval) … Unless he continued to grow after our freshman year when I last saw him, like I did. He might be only about 5-9 or so, shorter than the man that occasionally appears in my fantasies. Because I grew almost 3 more inches from when I was 18 till I turned 21 to my current height of almost 6 ft.

So I now know why the pen can be mightier than the sword, why we should be sure our words our sweet, because tomorrow those words we might have to eat. But the feeling of freedom is growing day by day. I listen to the wisdom of my horses “trusting my gut”… which so beats the rattling of words in my mind I might not fully yet understand or comprehend how another intends them, from the meanings I might have yet to re-learn or comprehend in another way from my past. I am so now more easily moving forward with each step I now choose to take!

Yesterday was a day of more discovery as I played with my “now” miraculous ability to obtain just about anything and everything I wanted in a form that I have been doing most of my life. Just obscured from my view as this being any kind of a means to an end. It was so easy, so right there in plain view, in a simple working format that has been accomplishing me getting tons of stuff for years. I have been just so used to seeing it as a simple tool for going to town, the store, or a place to add items to as they ran out. But because I have been paying so much more attention to when things just easily show up when I ask for them… like a piece of gum, a drink, or something to quickly munch on. I now noticed this ability to ask and obtain in the form of writing down anything I could taste, feel, or sense I desired.

About a week or so back, as I was headed to the store and I was scanning down my list for things in the house to be refilled. I thought about having a date and being in a playful mood, added that to the list. As I was wandering around the store about thirty minutes later, my phone rang and I looked down to see a number I did not recognize. So I answered it as a business call, to find a rather interesting male on the other end of the line. As we talked and discovered many things in common, horses, being single, living within miles of each other, kids the same age, even our birthdays almost hours apart.

Having so much fun just sharing, talking and enjoying the conversation… we set up a date to meet a few days later when we both had free time. I continued on with my shopping, highly aware of what had taken place in the short time between me adding a date to my list. So I decided to test this possible venue a little further, to find that most things I put on my list occur, if I add them, moving on to the next item, just this sort of forget them, it will be there.

Much like the peripheral thing horses do. They live in a world of focusing and feeling on their general up close needs, and when they spy something moving out of the corner of their sight. They rearrange their focus, till they can figure it out, whether to look at it closer, or dismiss it as unimportant. To then go back to the most prevalent thing that allows them comfort. Whether that be eating, drinking and playing or leaving for safety.

So I have been steadily noting down the things that are of important to me: Newest goals, fresh affirmations, needed or desired things. Paying attention to when something shows up, if I like it, I enjoy it. If it is not quite what I truly want, I put down the changes in my notes. A kind of consistent tweaking, manifesting, adjusting, allowing. To find more and more stuff almost magically appearing, especially after my friend’s wonderful reminder of a thing called lag time. Where like baking a cake, we mix all the things together, go do something else while it is cooking and come back to eat and enjoy it.

Yesterday’s list consisted of: feed, gas, groceries, money coming twice as fast as I could spend it, fun, more interested students, friends to socialize with, and then lastly “getting paid to play.” And off I went to have the most fantastic day, as I bought all the items on my list, came home and while I was unloading the phone rang. A client was calling for a last minute lesson for her granddaughter. By the time I was ending my day, I had earned more than double what I had spent. Had a fantastic lesson with her and her granddaughter, then invited to stay and eat with them. Bought a scratch ticket on the way home after a delicious meal by the pool, and made more than it cost me to buy it.

Everything on my list manifested, accomplished, fun, amazing and simple. Allowing me to then return to the game where I had been so stuck on the one level and amazingly moved up three levels with almost no effort at all. As I became aware of one more thing I was doing differently that I know is a key point in all of this happening.

I kept my focus on what I wanted. I noticed something in my view that was not what I was really wanting, I would change my thoughts to what I did intend to accomplish or have happen. Keeping my view on the desire, the final product, even if that view was just the feeling of fun, but if I could not find the right feeling, I would do something else I did enjoy or want…allowing the cake to bake, and the Universe the ability to deliver without my getting in the way, by having it to happen only in the ways I could think of.

I love this stuff, setting a goal, add it to my list, expect, go do something cause it will be there as the Universe is filling in the steps to it as I keep moving toward what I need to do. Allowing myself to notice things just out of my main view, that temporarily causes me to adjust my focus. Then Voila the finished product is better, and easier than my trying to force it into place, by the only means I can see right in front of me, with my limited view!

Seems like a such a big or even huge obstacle to so many people. They read books, articles, how to do’s and the like. Yet seem so stymied to find or latch onto what that may be for them. In this last week of sorting through the myriad of stories about my own weekly journey, caused me to really watch, pay attention and notice so many tiny details into what was easy, felt good, and my energy just bounding all over the place. Compared to the times and the day I felt like all I wanted to do was climb back in bed and bury myself deep in sleep.

Only problem with that is… I love my life when it flows, zings, zips and amazes me, enough so that I decided I could unearth this occasional stuckedness. Especially since one of the ladies at the retreat kept telling me how lucky I was, how much she wished she knew what her passion was, and what could or should she be doing to figure it out.

Luckily for her she had already done what I always explain are the simple rules for me working with or helping any one:

3. For us to work together it has to be fun for my client, their horse and for me.

4. At the end of each session the client is expected to have improved ¼ of an inch per lesson.

5. They have had to felt like they learned something that is applicable to them and their situation

6. They have plenty to take with them to mull over, and when they are ready, they want to learn more.

7. Lastly they are expected to always ask me or anyone else: Why are they supposed to do whatever is suggested? Then have whoever suggested it to show them how! Be willing to say no if whatever is suggested is uncomfortable in any fashion, though the thought may be stored in their toolbox of possibilities for some other time.

So I paid attention. Noticed the nuances of fun, excitement and energy flowing through me, compared to the contrast of feeling tired, exhausted and even nauseated at the thought of moving just a little. Kept my attention focused on the answer showing itself. When I began to truly notice little things right out of my direct gaze, to find myself being led or guided by my peripheral vision. It is one of the wonders the horses have taught me to be more aware of.

Seems when we look so hard at what is right there in front of us to see… we miss the stuff that is right out of the corner of our eye. Ever walked through a room going to do something, and caught site of something just on the way to where you are headed, that answered some question you had asked earlier and sort of forgot about for that moment. Then as you are easily accomplishing what is now your focus, you spot something else which makes the way to do what you originally intended easier, simpler and more satisfying… thus accomplishing two things at once.

I have had tons of stuff manifesting all over the place as I learn to more and more get out of the way of “having’ to do something, instead just let my intuition, my peripheral vision, and my gut guide me. Which puts me in such an inspirational writing, living, loving, sharing and being just me mood! Then it hit me about the energy ups and downs that so allow me to be so passionate one moment and so blah the next.

I had read and been told that one’s passion is something one can do 24 hours a day, be as enthused to do it when one gets started, as one is when one finishes, ready to start all over at the next opportunity, will do it whether they are paid or not, and always wanting to learn more. My passion is something I have known since I was small… horse crazy since I can remember. Just with only me to pursue the desire, nurture, keep alive away from the naysayers and support my dream in my head…( long story for later, but I did not get my first horse till I was away at college. Not all are that lucky to have such a desire go above and against what others saw me being and hang on to it for dear life.)

But this week I discovered the up places in my energy when I was not playing with anything horse related, just my life related. Give me an idea, let me spy something that needs to be fixed, could be changed to be easier to do or understand,or get a hunger for some particular dish. And I come alive. My mind racing with creativity, desire, passion, adventure… as I allow the creator in me to not settle for what another would do, say or feel. I find this amorous, hungry, sensual creature, who prowls at any event that causes me to just sit… I want to participate… get my hands in the clay… make something, create a new form, find a new way, or eat a favorite dish in a new way. Doesn’t matter, but oh talk about being alive and passionate.

Even in cleaning, I have discovered the passion of order, newness, and simplicity of accomplishment by allowing myself to feel each step and do that which feels easiest and next, or rearrange everything for more ease and flow. Especially after my down evening yesterday, after completing fixing all the fences on the place and I walked into to try to move off the level of the game I have been stuck on for weeks. To find my energy just draining into a pool of yuck, a cold drink, nope not even half, my stretches, nope tired. Finally gave up and went to bed early, though I thought several times of writing but…

That is the long pause, as I felt the trapped in my thoughts of I might not be good enough, that put me to bed early. Thank God for sleep, long hot soapy showers, and my listening to my internal niggling as I readied for and then drove my route. Passion, energy, aliveness is creating something, anything that causes a rush…not a have to or a must. Just wicked, wonderful, recognized for selfsame desire , it is what I am… a capable, crazy, happy, creator … just like God wants us all to be! Free to be…Me, to change, become, create, breathe every moment in. Helping myself and others to find their connection to their dreams, ideas, adventures and life!

I have discovered me!!! It is so inspiring to have come so far with you lovely, wonderful, caring, and sharing people at BLC. This last week was an adventure as I shifted back and forth between my place here Floresville and the ladies horse retreat I participated in and instructed some of in Boerne, Texas in the Hill Country. This picture was taken last Sunday afternoon at one of the higher points of the 500+ acres ranch with almost all of us who were out on the trails. I am the one with my mouth open on the short little horse who has come the furthest with me in the last 6 years of my returning to a place of health and love on the inside.

I am at peace now with many of the things that kept bugging me, niggling at me, frustrating me, inspiring and actually forcing me out of the protective shell I had crawled into to survive. Thankfully I have the peeps at the Boundless Living Challenge to share with because of its wonderful creator Bob Doyle keeping the site up and open for us to use.

I can now say with full confidence and understanding that setting a goal, or a few goals can be accomplished when one writes them down, then shares them with supportive others as ideas in the making, and makes constant small steps forward toward them. Especially the uniquely important step of seeing the final outcome…already achieved, and thanking the Universe, one’s God or Creator for how it happens.

There is an entire book inside of me that came to full completion after this last 45 days, especially during the retreat get-away. Where all three of my horses I took with me… showed me who I really was, how much easier life is to live in the now, how important it is to let others keep their responsibility for where they are at and aide them best by guiding them… not holding their hands.

How much any word can screw us up… if we are only aware of one or two meanings for it, our reaction to its use on us from some place in our past where we were taught or shown that was the only acceptable answer. How any situation can change instantaneously by our intent toward it. How the last minute idea might be the gold mine we have been working so hard to cause to happen some other way… because the answer doesn’t fit the norm, who would believe us about it, and it’s not possible from the opinion of all the others we have been confiding in… giving an entire world permission to stop or condemn any and all ideas that might otherwise flow so freely into existence.

I love writing about this this morning. I feel like a million dollars, now having full access to such a wonderful magical kingdom of myself, with both the keys to every door and the freedom to expand, rearrange, redecorate, imagine and create anything my heart desires… the ease of knowing how and my eagerness to put the words into print to share!

Tonight I find there is this part of me that has long been under wraps, held down, bound tightly by the slightest indication that I have might have offended someone again… by being me.

This me of decades of writing, imagining, dreaming, desiring and just plain old wanting… many times dashed upon the shoreline of someone elses “you can’t truly mean that”.

But even though I do, I then quickly pull the shades, dim the lights, quiet the sounds of the softly burning embers, so quick to tidy up any and all signs of any fire activity. Lightly bounding about, like a playful kitten, any signs of anguish and crying, so easily hid behind the mask of its okay, I understand, I will be better, I will behave.

Just not tonight, I’ve gotten this far, so close, I can sense he’s near. Not just right here, held still at a distance from my vibration of the rules. The by-laws of fitting in, to become whatever the latest trend, story, product, or best seller which is making all the headlines. The mountain of money made from advertisers helping others to make decisions from their head…not their gut.

Tonight I feel, sense, suspect and know I am just moments away from truly letting all of the rest of the world off the hook. I am perfect at enjoying whatever it is I am doing. In writing and sharing whatever actually and easily comes flowing out of my mind onto the printed page, word by word, without any editing…till my heart stops pounding, pulsing, racing the words so quickly through my head on to screen. There is no actual thinking when I am writing like I am tonight. The words just form and go flowing in long, deliberate sentences making sense in a spectacular fashion that seems to allow all of the bound up energy of undigested thought an outlet out into the world.

Where I find myself when I am done, going back to read and make sense of what my insides are trying to make known to me. As the stream picks up steam, causing me to find I am not breathing comfortably, as I find I am holding my breath. I feel my throat becoming dry, my lips becoming parched, much like if I am running from something or someone. Like if the word were to get out who or what it is I actually seek, I would be banished back to my tiny space in the back room. Out of sight, only needed or necessary when there is a list of chores to do, work to be accomplished or someone else who needs to be taken care of.

This writing tonight is extremely fast, accurate, honest and inspiring to me. Because I am not editing, just allowing all of me to be bare-ass naked and open. Out front, alive, moving, no longer stagnant in the pool of others reflections upon the water, mirroring back to me their opinions.

I had a fantastic day today. I asked the Universe and then thought about taking a lesson from a lady I have great respect for, to find answers to the last few pieces of doubt I have over my riding position. To then find my body showing me whilst I was giving a lesson an hour later, to the young lady aspiring toward learning to run competitively. I was demonstrating the pattern to her at a lope, when I felt my body showing and suggesting a few simple, suddenly obvious to me answers. Since we had the time and I was still out there on the pattern. I turned my horse around, realigned him up and allowed him to breeze back through as I was implementing and feeling the results all at the same time. Eureka, it was easy, so almost effortless, so fast, so smooth… such a perfectly rewoven tapestry of all of the pieces I have taken completely apart, examined, carefully felt and then sensed each ones perfect alinement for me.

I was allowing my afternoon route to just be… when I spotted a hawk on the power-lines. I heard the thought; how do birds find their mates? To then hear the answer “they allow their instincts to guide them” they do not think to ask a friend, take out an add, get advice from some column. They trust, feel inside for what and where to go. I am so ready to now allow the tapestry of my new relationship with life, the man, my family, the horses, friends, clients, associates and the world to become the reality I have dreamed about and never truly acted upon completely in my own best interest before. I believe thinking is to much work. I am now being my own touchstone, guided by my heart, gut instinct and intuition to assist me in every tiny detail of living my life, fully, completely in love and in touch with “all” of me.