Vigil to shed light on dating abuse

LAKE FOREST – El Toro High School graduate Jacque Villagomez was 19 when she was beaten to death by her boyfriend, police say.

Villagomez is one of the victims of dating violence who will be honored Friday at a candlelight vigil outside Laura's House Resale Store, a secondhand shop that raises money for Ladera Ranch-based domestic violence shelter Laura's House.

The vigil, scheduled from 6 to 7 p.m. Friday in conjunction with Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month, is meant to demonstrate the effect teen dating abuse has on victims – and the wider community. It's the third annual such event held in Lake Forest.

While domestic violence is often seen as an adult problem, dating violence during the teen years can perpetrate a continuing cycle of abuse, experts say.

Recent studies have found that one in four teens in Orange County report being in a physically abusive relationship, Presley said.

But abuse can begin even earlier, she said.

ADOLESCENT ABUSE

Some organizations now use the term "adolescent dating abuse" to clarify that violence, whether physical or psychological, can begin even before the teen years.

Presley visits schools throughout Orange County to teach students how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships.

"My youngest victim of dating abuse is 12 years old," she said. "I want to raise awareness on this issue and educate the community, especially the young ones. Once I get to high school, I'm not too late, but the abuse has already begun."

In one-hour presentations, Presley explains how victims get stuck in a cycle of abuse and how to identify the three stages: tension building, where the victim has to "walk on eggshells" around the abuser; the explosion, when the abuse occurs; and the honeymoon phase, when the abuser promises to never again hurt his or her victim.

In Orange County, a quarter of high school students report being beaten by their girlfriend or boyfriend, Presley said.

"If one-fourth (of high school students) had their arm chopped off completely, we would take notice, we would act, but because it's a silent killer we don't act or ignore it," she said. "It doesn't mean the person will die physically, but spiritually."

Teen dating violence is likely under-reported, she said.

Boys, especially, feel like they have no one to talk to about such abuse, she said.

"I'm a 14-year-old boy; my girlfriend punches me in the arm and calls me worthless every day; who am I going to tell?" she said. "I don't want to tell my mom because she'll say, 'Don't date her,' but I love her."

TYPES OF DATING ABUSE

Physical abuse is not the only way children and teens are abused in relationships.

The kind of abuse visible via bruises or broken bones is typically preceded by other types of abuse, often more difficult to recognize.

Psychological abuse, such as humiliation or ridicule, is another way teens can be hurt in abusive relationships, Presley said.

Other ways abuse can manifest itself can be financially, when one partner continually demands money from the victim, or digitally, such as harassment via the Internet.

To ensure children aren't involved with digital abuse, parents should check the text messages and photos on their cellphones, she said.

"A lot of parents don't want to deal with this," but many teens send or receive inappropriate photos," Presley said. "They're finding nude photographs of their own child or other children, and that's digital abuse."

Presley said that during her presentations, students have said they didn't know that what they were doing to their partner was abusive.

Presley said she can see the same question on some teens' faces during her presentation as they reflect on their own relationships: "Is that abuse?"

Another aspect of the presentations focuses on planning how to exit relationships safely.

To emphasize the need for safety planning, Presley shows older students photos of men and women who have been killed by their partner.

"Its' really about opening their eyes," she said.

Laura's House has teamed up with Verizon to offer an e-postcard at laurashouse.org/lhteen that can be sent anonymously to possible victims.

Users can send a message and a link to a quiz that can help determine whether the recipient is in an abusive relationship.

VICTIM-BLAMING

One statistic about domestic violence – that nearly 80 percent of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser – prompts some people to ask why they don't leave, Presley said.

But even leaving an abusive relationship can be a dangerous move, because the first 72 hours of a break-up is when most abuse victims are killed.

Blaming the victim of abuse for the abuse, or for not leaving, occurs frequently, Presley said.

Pop star Chris Brown's public assault of then-girlfriend Rihanna is just one example, she said.

"We say things like: 'If a man hit me, I would walk out the door,'" she said. "But the beatings like Rihanna endured by Chris Brown are not isolated incidents. When perpetrators feel like they are losing control over their victim, they'll do whatever it takes to regain control."

Based on typical patterns of abuse, it's unlikely Brown's assault on Rihanna was the first, Presley said.

Rihanna's continued involvement with Brown is typical in an abusive relationship, she added.

Most victims return at least seven times to their abuser before leaving, she said.

HEART SUPPORT

To help teens who think they might be in an abusive relationship, Laura's House created a support group run by a marriage and family therapist.

The group is part of a teen dating violence prevention and treatment program at Laura's House called HEART – Healthy Emotions and Attitudes in Relationships for Teens.

Friday's vigil at Laura's House Resale Store, Suite F at 23635 El Toro Road, is part of the HEART program.

Laura's House encourages families with teens and pre-teens to attend and learn more about how to prevent dating violence.

Survivors of teen dating abuse will speak about their experiences.

The music video for "Didn't Mean It," a song written and performed by teen recording artist Jasmine Villegas after she experienced teen dating abuse, will be presented.

There will be an installation of artwork called "Take a Walk in My Shoes" in which clients of Laura's House used shoes to express their feelings about surviving domestic violence.

Survivors of teen dating abuse will light a communal candle and attendees will have an opportunity to sign anti-dating-abuse pledge cards.

Members of several HEART clubs that have been established at local high school students will sell purple ribbons and host bake sales to raise funds for the HEART program.

Laura's House will provide information and resources to teens and their families about dating abuse.

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