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Thursday, December 30, 2010

The kit showed up, so we thought we'd go and strut our stuff up at Crystal Palace. We own that place, you hear me? We're looking at you Stuart Spies.
And you Ian Paine.
Don't mess with the Vicious Velo.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

We had quite a good return to racing at the traditional post-Xmas puke-fest at Footscray in Kent. I (Andy, Hi, nice to meet you) came 3rd, Kevin came 7th (and first vet) and Dirty Bird gave up.

It's always heavy going down there as the ground is disconcertingly rough and covered in mole hills (weird) and obviously, with snow still hanging around, it was even harder going. Kevin had a really good start and was up into the front group with Billy-Joe Whenman, Jamie Newall and Paul Schier while I floundered a bit behind. As Jamie and Billy escaped, Kev got dropped whilst I started moving up, first past him, then past Paul.

Next thing, Jamie was sat at the side of the track picking course tape out of his cassette and I was up into second. At that point I got a time check that Billy Beans was only 12 secs ahead and I was catching him, so it occurred to me I might win. Which would have been nice.

Didn't happen though. First Newall flew past, I sat on his wheel for a bit, but got so much filthy yellow snow and slushy shit in my eyes I couldn't actually see any more as we entered a technical bit, so had to slow down to have blinking fit.
Then, when he caught Billy, he attacked, with Billy jumping into his wheel and extending his lead.
After the race we hung around for an hour and a half to receive our prize money. I got £10 for coming third, which, as the entry fee was £12 meant I only lost £2 — seriously, what's the point of giving out prize money, especially for a podium, that is less than the entry fee????
They couldn't work out the placings as far down as Kev, who came 7th, so he left empty handed. Hilarious.
And freezing.

Snow's all gone now, so with any luck our kit will be racing to our South London squat/clubhouse unimpeded from Belgium. If you want to see it in action, come along to Foxhall Stadium in Ipswich next Sunday — we'll be there, suited and booted.
Can't wait.

It looks like Vicious Velo might be making our race debut at the London League on the 27th. Get ready to be shocked, appalled and enthralled.
Oh yeah, get on the comments to persuade Vicious Kevin to get a mohawk in time for the National Champs. Cheers.

It's not all turbo training and cross racing for us: on Sunday we took Ben and Boom from Condor on a delightful tour of South London's premiere dogging spots, linking up parks and playing fields and little patches of woodland. We never got further than about six miles from home and yet we still managed to ride 2.5hrs without getting cold or bored.
This doesn't really look like much, and on an MTB in the dry, it isn't. On a cross bike though, it's pretty sketchy, just becasue there's shit loads of slick, cambered roots all across the line you want to take.
Good to see Dirty Bird back on his bike — he's third man through. He's a nob isn't he?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Not a great day for us. Kev's still ill so pulled out of the Vets and I kept it rubber side down to come home in 24th, just getting lapped at the bell. I was pretty happy about that.
The descent was carnage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Thanks to some readers we've got even more examples of bike racing violence for your delectation.
First up is Karate Kid Bart Wellens who, like our friend Richard Groenendaal, is pissed off with a lippy spectator. Unlike Groenendaal, Wellens doesn't slow down for his act of Viciousness, preferring the high speed karate kick approach. Bravo Bartje!

Tom "Hard As" Steels is another hero — imagine having the presence of mind to reach down, pick up your bottle, then launch it at another rider, all at 60kph (or more) in a bunch sprint! We mortals can but dream.

Last, and in this case, least, are Carlos Barredo and Rui Costa at the 2010 Tour. These boys just look like angry queens, bitch fighting over some guy they fancy. Fighting in road shoes is not cool. If you're going to incorporate violence into your racing repertoire, do it before the finish line — anytime after that is just lame.

UPDATE How did I forget to put Mark Renshaw's awesome headbutt in here? This is ideal bike racing violence that would never be picked up on at anything below televised international races. Renshaw is another hero.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Violence is nothing to shy away from; in fact, you can use it to your advantage. Physical intimidation is just as useful in cycle racing as it is in real life, be it a kick at an annoyingly superior competitor in a bike race, or a punch to someone who's flicked you in a sprint. Give 'em a black eye and they won't do it again!

Richard Groenendaal = VICIOUS!
Giving a good exampe above of using violence against other riders (lapped losers) and below, to spectators is Richard Groenendaal, legendary Dutch hardman and now owner of the Dugast tubular company. Follow Richard's lead and don't be put off attacking spectators — if you've got a number on your back, you've got a free reign to be as wild as you like. Roll with it.

The Vicious Velo guide to Rotten Racing will aim to share tips with you on just how you too can get better results from less effort, skill and talent, simply by being a horrible little bastard on the bike. Got any tips or tricks? Share them in the comments!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Dunno if you noticed but the weather's thrown a shit fit and outside is covered in snow. BORING! I'm sitting at home avoiding the turbo, watching old MTB vids and wishing someone with style, taste, and attitude would make something like Kev's old Dead Kennedy's newspaper but about cyclocross. Now who could do something like that...
Oh yeah.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

No sleep on Friday night sitting in the paediatric ward at our local hospital with my daughter wearing an oxygen mask isn't the best race preparation but with a decent night's sleep on Saturday night I felt like it was worth giving it a go. But by Sunday morning the tell tale signs of a cold were there, sore throat and dried up nose.

Racing a bike in frozen playing field at -5°C and dressed in not much more than a lycra skinsuit is probably not the best way to keep the cold at bay but it was too late to pull out now. Still the course was good and not too technical, by the time the racing started I'd be bound to warm up.

Like Andy I had a good start and was in the front group chasing Darren Atkins as he started to stretch out his lead. By the second lap I was kidding no-one, my lungs weren't working and I had gone into the red. It became a case of damage limitation by trying to give away as few places as possible. I passed Matt Denby who was running after suffering a mechanical which was good for me as it looked like his race was over. Then as I settled in to seeing out the last 3 laps I slipped out on one of the relatively easy corners, the frozen surface has polished up and I'd leaned the bike a little too much.

As the race entered the final stages Matt Denby passed me, in fact I'd lost the plot and let him pass without a fight. My hands had turned numb and I couldn't feel a thing. I even started to worry that I'd broken a finger in my fall as it felt floppy and not a part of my body... I'd totally given up. The only thing to rouse any sense of competitiveness was on the final lap when I had a battle for 9th place which I managed to win.

By the time we got back to the car I had the full-on screaming pukeys as the feeling returned to my fingers. Sitting in the car for five minutes on the verge of crying, rocking backwards and forwards trying to get my hands back to life sorted me out though. Think it may have been a bit disturbing for any bystanders though!

It's Wednesday now and I'm still ill. Things aren't looking good for the weekend's regional champs. It's going to take a serious dose of good luck to hold on to the regional champs title that I won in Ipswich last year.

Just about holding it together on the 2nd lap. Photo courtesy of Phil Jones