We talk about good value, best value, value for money, face value, family values, personal values, core values, and so the list goes on.

There’s a saying about knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

The dictionary defines the noun as ‘the regard that something is held to deserve’; ‘the importance or usefulness of something’; ‘principles or standards of behaviour’; ‘one’s judgement of what’s important in life’.

The definition of the verb can mean ‘to estimate the monetary worth of’; ‘to consider someone or something to be important or beneficial’; ‘to have a high opinion of’.

It’s not about the money, money, money

Some of those descriptions could sound a little mercenary if we take them to be about placing a ‘price’ on something. Others focus on principles and standards. In the end though, it really all boils down to how important something is to us.

We can value people and things like family, freedom, good health, clean air, time, money, status and fame.

Sometimes we hold diametrically opposed values to someone else and that’s why we can end up in conflict.

Think of it like a dance where our moves are out of sync and we keep standing on each other’s toes. The music is discordant and everything just feels wrong. No one quite knows where they’re going or who’s leading whom. A lot of energy might be expended but it’s not producing a great result.

Yet when we meet someone who has similar values to us, the dance flows more smoothly, the music is lyrical and we can be in perfect unison. We glide across the floor and it feels effortless. We’re heading in the same direction and we know who’s leading and when. Energy is combined to produce a wonderful show.

Shoulder to Shoulder

Now imagine applying this to the workplace. Do you want the dance of teamwork to be out of sync or flow smoothly? Do you want to waste energy going nowhere fast or to glide to your destination?

When our values are out of sync with the people we’re working with it affects both team dynamics and productivity. This doesn’t mean to say our values have to be the same as our colleagues, however we do need to have some common ground.

Teams work towards organisational values, plus they have their own set of values as that team too, which dovetail with those of the organisation. When personal values are also in harmony with the team and organisational values, we have a perfectly synchronised dance.

Each team member is clear on their role and understands the part their colleagues’ play. They stand shoulder to shoulder and their steps are perfectly in time. They move together to meet the team’s goal.

There is congruency.

What happens when congruency is lacking? What happens when you feel you’re at odds with your own values?

Over time our values can change, but because we’re still following old thought patterns and habits, we don’t realise that what’s important to us has changed. Think of the person who has a crisis of conscience when they can’t do something they’ve always done because their values have changed. Consider our current situation and the impact that living in lockdown may be having on our values.

Sometimes our values remain constant but we act out of line with them because we get swept along by the crowd, or we feel under pressure to behave in a certain way. This is where a number of people are at the moment.

Incongruence is painful. It causes us feel out of sorts. We know something isn’t right, yet we can’t quite put our finger on it because we’re not consciously aware that we’re living at odds with our values. When we live in alignment with our values, life feels much easier. It’s a truly liberating experience to realise that it’s ok to follow our our own path.

This is not about working against other people, it’s about living in accordance with what’s important to us. It’s about being true to who we are deep down.

Finding your way to congruency

If you’d like to feel more congruent in your life, here are 5 steps that will help you on your way.

1. Learn to tune in to your inner voice

Do you hear what’s going on inside you? When you go to do something, do you notice an inner voice that sometimes tells you to stop, not out of fear but because it just feels wrong, or you feel uncomfortable? Or conversely do you notice your inner voice jumping with joy? Learn to tune into it and learn to recognise what it’s telling you.

2. Learn to do as you believe

After tuning into your inner voice, do you act in line with what it’s telling you? At times fear holds us back from doing what we believe is right. Initially it can feel easier to go along with the crowd, but in the long term if it’s out of line with your values, it will cause inner conflict and eat away at you. Once you step in line with your values the world feels like a very different place.

3. Learn to express what you’re thinking and feeling

If you don’t fully express yourself, over time you’ll come to feel uncomfortable, restless and unfulfilled. Yes, there’s a chance that someone might not like what you say, yet equally, there’s every chance that someone else will. Whatever the outcome, you’ll only find peace and fulfilment when you’re able to speak your mind. This is not about being confrontational, unkind or destructive, it’s about having the best of intentions and finding a way to express yourself in a way that’s true to who you really are.

4. Be truthful

This means telling your truth about how you feel, what you think and what you believe. Telling the truth is important for how people view you and whether they trust you. It’s also important to how you feel inside. Being truthful to yourself is key to getting congruent

5. Be consistent

Learn to live by your values consistently. There may be times you find yourself swept along by the crowd and find yourself feeling uncomfortable. Don’t beat yourself up, we all make mistakes. Check in with yourself, notice what you’re feeling and make changes that align yourself back with your values.

Living in congruence with our values brings many benefits. We are able to have more honest and open relationships with our work colleagues as well as family and friends. The impact on physical and mental wellbeing is immense and our resilience grows.

When you learn NLP, you learn about congruence and values. You learn about how to hear and pay attention to what your inner voice is saying. You learn how to better understand others so you can find out what’s important to them. You enhance your communication skills in ways that create more harmonious relationships. And many more things besides.

If you’d like to find out exactly how NLP can help you to live a more fulfilled life, please contact me here

Many people sing about happiness: R.E.M. sang about Shiny Happy People. Bobby McFerrin told us Don’t Worry Be Happy. Mary J Blige advised us to Be Happy and Pharrell Williams covered it all in one simple word: Happy.

But no one ever sings about contentment do they?

Perhaps that’s because it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as it’s not such a catchy word, is it? However, it could also be because the jury on contentment is split. Many see happiness and contentment as indistinguishable. Others see them as very different and even hold quite opposing views on which one is better for us. Some see happiness as a higher emotion and contentment as a steady but lesser state. Others see happiness as often unattainable or just fleeting, and contentment is the holy grail.

Happiness versus contentment

So, which is it? Are they one and the same thing? Is happiness better for us than contentment or is it the other way around? And is there anything wrong with being contented with what we have or are?

Let’s look at some definitions.

Happiness can be defined as good fortune or luck in life. The state of pleasurable content of mind, which results from success or attainment of what is considered good. This tends to imply that happiness is dependent on attainment and is a state of being. Which means that all lottery winners would be happy, right? They’ve all the money they need to buy everything they consider to be good. Yet we know that isn’t the case. Many lottery winners say the trappings of success brought them unhappiness. Take Viv Nicholson who famously told the press she would spend, spend, spend, after her husband won the football pools in the 1960s. What followed was a string of broken marriages, alcoholism, estrangement from friends, mental ill health and debt.

Now when we consider the meaning of contentment, things take a different slant. It can be defined as having our desire bound by what we have; not being disturbed by the desire for anything more or anything different. In other words, we’re happy with our lot and don’t feel the need to have anything else. These definitions imply that happiness involves constant striving for success, whereas contentment means settling for what you have. One sounds like an ongoing mission, the other like a life without aspiration of any kind. Does either sound appealing? I suspect not.However I’d question if that’s what happiness and contentment really are?

In pursuit of happiness

In the 1990’s Professor Martin Seligman led the positive psychology movement, which placed happiness and positive thinking at the heart of psychology research and theory. This led many people to see happiness as a goal, as something to be chased, which chimes with the idea of attainment.

And yet…you can only really be happy when you realise that constantly searching for happiness is exactly what prevents you from achieving it.

I’ll repeat that, because it’s important to grasp the meaning.

You’ll only find happiness when you realise that constantly searching for it is exactly what prevents you from achieving it.

Viv Nicholson sought happiness in holidays, cars, boats and other luxury goods. Yet the thing she was searching for eluded her for the rest of her life. People might say she would have been better off if she had been content with what she had.

Let’s examine this a bit more.

There are many views on happiness, contentment and which of the two is better for us. Some regard happiness as a fleeting emotion, largely unattainable and therefore a dangerous path to pursue. Others regard it as a choice, a state of being and an important part of life.

In turn, some see contentment as a path to complacency, to living with the status quo and of settling for less than our potential. Others regard it as a state of equilibrium and fulfillment, which is not without ambition.

Considering all this together, is it more the case that our view of contentment and happiness lie in our state of mind and attitude to the world? If so, then it should be possible to experience both contentment and happiness.

Aristotle said that “Happiness is self-contentedness.”

Therefore, if you accept the premise that we choose whether to be happy or unhappy, it follows that we can also choose to be contented or discontented. Moreover, feelings of happiness and contentment are not mutually exclusive, they are actually both part of the rich tapestry of emotions that contribute to our overall emotional wellbeing.

Think of contentment this way: it is the beauty of being content with what you have and who you are, while recognising your contentment can grow with you as you grow personally. Our motivators for growth though are not discontentment, materialism, or comparison with others. Remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

Think of contentment as the foundation from which to pursue life. You need it there to hold everything in place and can continue to build on it as you journey through life, setting and meeting goals, taking risks, trying new things, growing and expanding your horizons and above all else, having fun! From this place of contentment, happiness can easily flourish.

Can you be content without being happy? Probably. Can you be happy without being content? Probably not. Here’s why.

The reason why some see contentment as lesser than happiness is because people can fall into a habit of accepting things as they are and sleepwalk through life, possibly because fear or self-doubt hold them back. They may reach a place of perceived contentment, yet deep down they’re unhappy; they’ve laid foundations they’re unlikely to build on.

Conversely, people can be pretty discontented with their life and this almost certainly leads to unhappiness.

What both these scenarios need is a mindset shift to thinking we can be content without being complacent, happy for more than fleeting moments and achieve personal growth. In fact the bulk of what determines happiness is the way that we think, the state it creates and behaviour it produces.

Nine tips gain happiness and contentment combined

Take time to appreciate everything you have in life. This brings a focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.

Show gratitude and kindness to people around you every day.

Find your purpose. If you do something you love, it encourages feelings of happiness

Take pleasure in simple things in life. A walk with friends can bring you equal joy and contentment as an expensive night out.

Accept people for who they are. Focus on the things you like about them and accept their ‘faults’ as part of the person you like / love.

Spend time with other happy and contented people.

Develop an optimistic outlook and cultivate the habit of seeing the positive side of things.

Learn to live in the moment as opposed worrying or thinking about the future. Instead of saying “I’ll be happy when….” decide to be happy now.

NLP encompasses a huge number of techniques that can transform your mindset, building a rock solid foundation of contentment to support lifelong happiness. For information on upcoming Practitioner training see the training page or get in contact.

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/03/whats-wrong-with-contentment/feed/0Conflict V’s Congruence – Finding Balancehttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/03/conflict-vs-congruence-finding-balance/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=conflict-vs-congruence-finding-balance
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/03/conflict-vs-congruence-finding-balance/#respondMon, 02 Mar 2020 11:50:48 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2020/03/02/Conflict-or-Congruency Are you ruled by your head or your heart? At some point in life we’ve probably all been in a situation where we’ve felt that our head is telling us one thing and our heart another. We might then agonise over which one is right and which one wrong. What if […]

Are you ruled by your head or your heart?

At some point in life we’ve probably all been in a situation where we’ve felt that our head is telling us one thing and our heart another. We might then agonise over which one is right and which one wrong.

What if I told you that it’s neither and that really, this internal conflict isn’t a battle between your head and heart at all, even if it might feel like it is?

Imagine that your friends invite you on a night out. You’re up against a really tight deadline and if you go out, you risk not completing the piece of work in time. You haven’t seen your friends for ages though, and would love to see them.

This is the type of dilemma that we would usually refer to as heart versus head. We believe that our heart is telling us to see our friends. And we believe that our head is telling us to knuckle down and complete the assignment.

In reality though, the conflict isn’t between our head and heart but between different parts of our mind.

Being in two minds

As we go through life, we have different emotional experiences, some of which leave an imprint on us. These can result in the creation of different Parts in the unconscious mind.

This is perfectly normal!

It’s usually our response to things that have happened or that we’ve seen and it’s our mind’s way of processing the situation.

These different Parts have their own values and beliefs which in turn produce certain behaviours. In NLP we work on the basis that all behaviour has a positive intention – even if it may not immediately appear so to us! The intention could be to protect us, relax us, make us feel better about ourselves or any number of other reasons.

Of course, this can lead to an internal conflict as the parts of our brain compete for our attention. We’ve all heard or used the phrase “I’m in two minds about this…”

Imagine, that as a child, whenever you were feeling sad or hurt, you were given food to make you feel better. This might lead you to the belief that food provides emotional comfort. Now, in adulthood, imagine that you hold the belief that you are overeating and need to be healthier, yet as soon as you experience an emotional upset, you turn to food again. One Part of your unconscious mind will be encouraging you to eat to feel better and the other Part will be telling you that if you eat it will make you feel worse. This results in an internal conflict between wanting to eat something and believing that we shouldn’t.

That’s just one example of how internal conflict can affect us. There are all kinds of internal conflicts that can take place in our minds all the time. Things like – Should I change career or start my own business? Should I end my relationship or stay safe? Should I move in with my partner and his son or stay living on my own? Should I move to a new location or stay where my family and friends are?

These are the sorts of things that can, as we wrestle with the options, lead to sleepless nights. At first the conflict may start as a niggle at the back of our mind; however, at its extremes internal conflict can lead to overwhelming thoughts and feelings which in turn produce out of control behaviours.

When we think of internal conflict, we tend to think of mental anguish, self-sabotaging behaviour, being torn between different options or of over thinking and worrying incessantly about choosing the right course of action. We also think of possible shame, guilt and self-loathing if one Part of our unconscious mind leads us to act in a way that is entirely at odds with the deeply held values of another Part.

A wise friend

And yet….

Conflict can be healthy.

Yes, you heard right…conflict can be healthy.

What if you were to think of internal conflict filling the same role as a wise friend who is asking you “Is this what you really want to do?” Viewed this way, it’s a temperature check, a backstop, a safety valve. Internal conflict can be our mind’s way of telling us that something isn’t right, our values are being compromised, someone is stepping over our boundaries, or that something we have been suppressing is now bubbling to the surface.

Internal conflict that leads to out of character behaviour is a sure-fire way to tell that something needs to change.

It’s not as simple as looking at it as a battle between good (I must eat healthily) and evil (I must eat to soothe my emotions). Often the Parts of our unconscious mind have equally good intentions for us. One Part might want to protect us and keep us safe. The other Part might long to take risks to experience life to the full. Sometimes a Part is clinging onto beliefs we held when we were young, which turned into habits, but that are now at odds with who we are today. Conversely, we could be forming habits as an adult that are at odds with the values we were raised with.

Now extend that to individuals coming together within a team in the workplace. Each person brings all of their internal values and beliefs with them and internal conflicts can then spill over into the external too.

External conflict is important for both our team and individual wellbeing, even if it may not always feel so. If we agree with other people just for the sake of avoiding conflict we encourage group think and stifle original thinking. If we try to bend other people to our way of thinking, we ignore their needs and, ironically, increase the likelihood of destructive conflict at a later stage.

One of the biggest catalysts for conflict in teams is change. We all move along the change curve at different speeds and we’re all impacted differently by changes that occur. In this scenario, consider what might be happening in our unconscious mind. It can go into overdrive, with one Part arguing vehemently that change is a BAD THING and another Part telling us excitedly that this change could be GOOD FOR US. Now just imagine, that there are similar conversations going on in the heads of every member of the team!

Bringing different perspectives to the table leads to a more constructive attitude to change as well as less internal and external conflict. If we’re able to create a work environment that enables people to adopt a more playful mindset, it will lead to a greater variety of perspectives, increased creativity and innovation and more robust solutions, which perfectly blend blue sky thinking with the equally important finer details. Such thinking environments stretch people out of their comfort zones. Over time they feel more able to take risks, experiment with concepts and not worry about being judged. Every team needs at least one person who can take on the role of critical friend or devil’s advocate.

Achieving Congruence

This is also a necessary part of team formation known as the storming phase, where difficulties are ironed out and norms are agreed. Think of it like a gateway to greater connection. Once the conflict barrier has been breached, it leads to greater mutual understanding, shared purpose and values.

When we reach the point of shared understanding and values, we create a harmony that is known as congruence.

It’s also possible to achieve internal congruence by creating harmony between the different parts of our unconscious mind using a powerful NLP technique called Parts Integration.

It’s a process that aligns and integrates the different values of different Parts of the unconscious mind. This leads to internal congruence, a feeling of empowerment and clarity in decision-making.

There are other benefits of Parts Integration too:

Greater self-awareness

Acknowledgement of conflicting goals and priorities leading to better goal setting and delivery

Discovery of strengths we didn’t know we had

Increased energy

Greater internal balance, a sense of wholeness and wellbeing.

As a leader or manager, NLP can help you achieve greater internal harmony and take teams to a new level of connectedness and understanding. If you’d like to know more then please check out my courses here or get in touch for a chat.

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/03/conflict-vs-congruence-finding-balance/feed/0Work to Play or Play to Work?http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/work-to-play-or-play-to-work/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=work-to-play-or-play-to-work
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/work-to-play-or-play-to-work/#respondMon, 17 Feb 2020 19:30:59 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2020/02/17/Work-to-Play-or-Play-to-WorkConsider for a moment..when was the last time you played? If you’re lucky, it was quite recently. Though for a many of us, it might have been some time ago. You might wonder why I’m asking the question in the first place and think that play is just for children. Well I beg to differ! George […]

If you’re lucky, it was quite recently. Though for a many of us, it might have been some time ago. You might wonder why I’m asking the question in the first place and think that play is just for children.

Well I beg to differ!

George Bernard Shaw said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” That’s a sobering thought, really, isn’t it?!

If you were to walk into the headquarters of some of the biggest dotcom businesses, you’d very likely find that they’ve adopted the concept of play at work. Google being one example where they have fully embraced a playful culture for a number of years now. Picture Lego, scavenger hunts and writing on walls.

Whether or not you embrace play in all it’s creativity, spontaneity and seeming chaos, where do you stand on the subject of play at work? Does this sound like your idea of heaven or something you quite literally have no time for?

You know, we’re all so busy nowadays trying to cope with the demands of work and home, that fun is often the first casualty of our full-on lives. We lose the joy of play. And yet, when we’re children, fun is a such a huge part of what we do and where most of our best learning happens.

George Bernard Shaw was right: it’s a sad fact that as we grow up, we often lose the ability to play. Our modern-day idea of relaxation and recuperation is to watch TV, play a computer game, read a book, go to the gym or go out to dinner. Now, there’s nothing wrong with any of these, but they’re not really play.

Play isn’t just essential for children; it’s essential for adults too.

Doing playful activities that have no point beyond pure fun and enjoyment is a great way to forget about work and promote your mental and physical wellbeing. It reduces stress, increases cross brain connectivity and capacity for divergent thinking plus when we play with others increases human bonding. It also expands our capacity to retain information when learning.

Whatever else we do, we’d benefit by incorporating more play into our personal lives. And that doesn’t mean playing on an electronic device on your own!

Work to play or play to work?

But let’s get back to the question of play at work.

Big companies like Google have recognised that there’s a link between play and productivity. When all’s said and done, it’s not the number of hours that you work that counts, it’s the quality of the work you produce. We tend to produce better quality work when we feel well and have regular breaks that ultimately re-energise us. What would you think if you could spend your breaks playing table tennis, table-top football or other games? What would you think if you could play, whenever you felt the need to boost your energy?

If you’re from a more traditional work background you might think this would encourage people to be distracted and not take work seriously. In short, it’s a waste of time and inappropriate in the workplace, right? We tend to make the assumption that work and play are mutually exclusive.

And yet, what if they aren’t?

What if combining play at work is a win-win combination?

The psychologist Stuart Brown has written extensively on the subject of play. He compares it to oxygen and says that “it’s all around us; yet goes mostly unnoticed or unappreciated until it is missing.” Given that statement, it’s unsurprising that he advocates the benefits of play at both work and at home. And the benefits of allowing people to have some fun at work are many.

Aside from boosting productivity, it can help with problem-solving because, as stated earlier it encourages divergent thinking which enhances creativity. Taking time out from a project or piece of work that’s stalled to get out and play is an excellent way to engage your whole brain and remove any psychological barriers to idea generation. By thinking and seeing things differently, it can make it easier to come up with solutions to the sticking point. And it re-energises you to give the project the final push to see it over the line.

Other benefits of playing at work include:

1. Stress reduction through release of endorphins which promote a sense of wellbeing

9. A friendlier work atmosphere and a reduction in workplace loneliness

10. Greater levels of employee engagement and job satisfaction

11. Reduced absenteeism and a reduction in grievances and conflict

12. A greater sense of competence and improved profits.

It’s playtime!

Nevertheless, we need to be wary of blind imitation. The play environment in your company needs to be right for it’s culture, so looking at what the Googles of the world do and trying to emulate it, won’t necessarily work for you.

Play at work isn’t really about buying table tennis tables or board games – that type of play excludes a great many preferences and personality types. Instead it’s about developing a culture and mentality where play is encouraged as an aid to creativity, productivity and employee engagement. It’s about giving people permission to not have to be in serious work mode the whole day.

This can be a difficult concept for some employers to get their heads around, given the traditional model of work we still cling on to, particularly when the pressure is on. Yet when you consider the multiple benefits, it’s one that more workplaces would benefit from adopting. Plus, when the pressure IS on, it can be the perfect way to let off some steam!

If you’re lucky enough to work in a company that is open to the concept of play or you’re the boss, here are some things you can do to make work a more engaging and fun experience for everyone:

1. Incorporate games and other activities into training courses and workshops.

2 .Encourage employees to think more creatively by keeping puzzles in the conference room.

3. Provide opportunities for social interaction amongst your employees in and out of work. Don’t just think pub. Think opportunities for physical exercise, quizzes, games and other types of play.

4. Encourage people to take breaks from their desks to take part in a fun activity that take their minds off work completely. Make clear that this is acceptable and not something to feel guilty about.

5. Change things up a bit at team meetings by incorporating some more playful activities, e.g. as icebreakers or energisers.

6. Use playful ways to boost creativity, e.g. let people let their imaginations run free.

7. Every so often have some planned downtime, to have fun – just like playtime at school.

If your company doesn’t want to embrace play, don’t worry. That shouldn’t stop you from bringing a bit of fun into the workplace. During your breaks you can play games, do puzzles, or tell jokes with your co-workers.

If you’d like to know more about how to reap the benefits of adopting a more playful culture, then jump into my inbox with a message here

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/work-to-play-or-play-to-work/feed/0Getting Comfortable with Changehttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/getting-comfortable-with-change/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=getting-comfortable-with-change
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/getting-comfortable-with-change/#respondSat, 08 Feb 2020 13:38:19 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2020/02/08/Getting-Comfortable-with-ChangeWhat would you do if you knew you were about to lose your job and never again could take up the same role? That’s exactly what happened to Victoria Pendleton. She retired from her career as an Olympic cyclist after the 2012 Olympics and at that point possibly had no idea what would happen to […]

What would you do if you knew you were about to lose your job and never again could take up the same role?

That’s exactly what happened to Victoria Pendleton. She retired from her career as an Olympic cyclist after the 2012 Olympics and at that point possibly had no idea what would happen to her next.

However, she then did something quite unexpected and that no one would have guessed. She embraced the change and retrained as a jockey. Many might have doubted her ability to make the transition, yet she has been successful.

The Inevitability of Change

We live in a world where change is inevitable, as Victoria Pendleton can testify.

It feels like every day we’re faced with technological advancement, new ways of doing things and new products.

They affect us at a business level, yet they also drive personal change too. Hands up if in the last few years you’ve used online banking; online shopping; Zoom, WhatsApp or Facebook video calling to keep in touch with friends and family; a virtual exercise class or learned how to do something by watching a YouTube video?

Of course you have, yet 30 years ago you probably couldn’t have imagined yourself doing this on a regular basis or even at all!

Think about the plethora of self-improvement groups and posts on social media. It seems like we’re constantly being advised how to improve our body, our eating, our looks, our lifestyle, our relationships and our minds. The cries of make change in your world or your life might be starting to feel a bit hackneyed, but the truth is that if we want to change our lives, we can.

The pace of and push for change can be relentless, yet if we can manage to find a balance between keeping up with major trends whilst not losing our mind to the latest fad, it can really help us to make progress with our life by taking us out of a rut or stretching our comfort zone.

We hear and read stories of people who have gone through massive changes – recovery from trauma, achieving financial freedom after bankruptcy, successful rehabilitation after prison – the list goes on. People also successfully face everyday changes like redundancy, house moves, relationship breakdowns and new jobs.

Sometimes these changes are thrust upon us. Other times we ourselves instigate a change because we want to make our lives better or do something different. Ultimately, we have a choice about whether we do this with or without purpose.

Change for change’s sake?

Change for change’s sake doesn’t always mean progress and can cause confusion and overwhelm. If we constantly change how we do things, at some point we might end up spinning around aimlessly unless we have a goal in mind.

So, it’s good practice to ask ourselves “Why am I doing this?” “What do I want to achieve?”

Yet sometimes change with no particular purpose can be uplifting. There’s an old saying that a change is a good as a rest and this is often the case. Going away for a few days – whether for business or pleasure – can be a motivating experience because we connect with new people and places.

Small changes to familiar habits can have a beneficial effect because we see new things, or old things in a new way. Not every change means recreating our entire life in a bold or dramatic way. Often gradual changes bring about the longest-lasting impacts.

Your personal barometer

Let me ask you though, how do you know when change is a good thing?

What does your personal barometer tell you about whether to embrace or avoid change?

It’s not always as simple as asking: is there something positive in it for me?

Because the stark truth is that often the changes that are the most beneficial for us in the long run are the very ones we railed against at the outset or dragged our feet over for a long time. “I only wish I’d done this sooner” can be a familiar refrain.

When we’re faced with unplanned or unwelcome change, our barometer may very well be set to stormy, yet as we all know, at some point every storm is followed by sunshine and calm.

It doesn’t mean that we should always embrace change that comes our way. Some things can and should be resisted. We need to develop the wisdom to recognise when to take a stand and when to go with the flow.

When it comes to assessing the impact of change, it’s up to us to determine whether the change will be, or has been positive or negative. Other people can advise, support, coach and give their opinions but these are based on outward appearances. Only we can tell what the internal impacts are.

So how can we finely tune our barometer to be more aware of when to embrace change?

Calibrating your barometer

Read on for 5 ways you can make sure your internal barometer is properly calibrated.

1. Adopt a Growth Mindset

If we have a fixed mindset, we tend not to have flexibility of thought and accept what we have as our lot in life. Change throws us because we think we don’t know how to do anything other than what we’ve always done. We can become locked in a victim mentality, where we believe that “bad things always happen to me.” We want things to stay the same because that’s comfortable and safe. The inner voice of someone with a fixed mindset will be very self-critical and full of doubt.

Conversely, a growth mindset assumes that nothing stays the same and change is ever-present and an opportunity to learn and acquire new skills and knowledge. Someone with a growth mindset recognises that change promotes new thinking, new ways of doing things, expansion and limitless possibilities. The inner voice of someone with a growth mindset will be full of optimism, courage and self-belief.

When faced with a challenge listen to your inner voice and learn to recognise if it’s coming from a fixed or growth mindset. If the voice is coming from a fixed mindset, you have the option to talk back to yourself in a growth mindset voice. Then remember that you also have a choice about what actions to take.

2. Develop greater self-awareness and acknowledge your mistakes

If the change has happened to you, learn to be aware of your reactions and to understand that your emotions and views may change over a period of time. Keep using a growth mindset self-narrative to keep you focused on accepting what you can’t change, changing what you can, and remaining positive about the present and the future.

If you’re the one with the power to make the change and it’s driven by a need to live your life differently, think about what you’re not satisfied with, what mistakes you’ve made and what you can learn from them. Identify the root cause and then set about changing it. Be honest with yourself. If your behaviours or thought processes need to be change, don’t fall into blaming your mistakes on external factors.

3. Set goals that stretch you

One sure thing about change is its power to take you out of your comfort zone. That can be scary and limiting. However remember that it’s you who defines it as such. You also have the capacity to see it as a fantastic opportunity for self-improvement and learning.

Set yourself clear goals for improvement. If these feel too big, break them down into smaller goals that feel more easily achievable. Then stick with your plan and try not to let yourself revert to old habits even if it feels uncomfortable. If you do lapse, don’t beat yourself up – just identify the triggers and then try to avoid or eliminate them.

4. Spend time around the right people

If you’re making quite big change to a habit or behaviour etc. aim to associate with people who will support and egg you on. Spend less time with those who are jealous of your success or who want to tear you down because you’re change is challenging them to change! It can be helpful to find an accountability partner.

Whatever you do, don’t compare yourself with other people. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy". Comparing yourself to others can be depressing, intimidating and frustrating. We’re all different and achieve things at different speeds. All you need to focus on is your own progress, achievements and successes. And celebrate them!

5. Persist and keep going

In any change, there’s usually a point at which everything starts to feel too hard. That’s exactly the point at which you dig in deep and keep going. The most challenging time always comes just before a huge breakthrough. Persist through that and the learning and growth it brings is immense.

If you find change a struggle then learning NLP will benefit you hugely to adopt and maintain a growth mindset, develop greater self-awareness and set goals that stretch you!

It will also help you build rapport with people who’ll support you and be your cheerleader through change.

And it will skyrocket your internal strength and self-belief to see your plans through – guaranteed.

Intrigued? Keen to know more? Then take a look at my training courses or for an informal chat – I love answering questions!

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/02/getting-comfortable-with-change/feed/010 Tips to Build Your Resilience Quotienthttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/01/10-tips-to-build-your-resilience-quotient/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=10-tips-to-build-your-resilience-quotient
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/01/10-tips-to-build-your-resilience-quotient/#respondSat, 11 Jan 2020 18:16:23 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2020/01/11/10-Tips-to-Build-Your-Resilience-QuotientWe live in a full-on world. It feels like everything is on the go 24/7. We’re faced with competing demands from work and home, overloaded with information from social media and TV, adverts clamouring for our attention to buy, to be, do and have more. Our senses are being bombarded with noise in its widest […]

It feels like everything is on the go 24/7. We’re faced with competing demands from work and home, overloaded with information from social media and TV, adverts clamouring for our attention to buy, to be, do and have more. Our senses are being bombarded with noise in its widest sense. We’re in political turmoil, we’ve experienced recession, and the pace of technological change is unrelenting. Phew!

The lines between work and home life are becoming ever more blurred as we expect instant responses to our communication. It can seem like everywhere we look or go, more is expected for less. On top of that we’re still deluged with images of perfect people living perfect lives that don’t even exist!

Is it any surprise that the incidence of mental health conditions is on the rise?

If you keep hitting something hard enough, eventually it breaks. That is, unless the defenses have been built up and created a strong core.

This is one of the best antidotes to modern living: creating a strong core with solid defences against the 24/7 assault on the senses. In other words, building your resilience quotient.

Your resilience quotient is the capacity you have to cope with anxiety, overwhelm, stress and tough times. It can be measured, just like your IQ (intelligence quotient) or your EQ (emotional intelligence). In fact, it’s now even become a key skill tested by companies during the recruitment process (and not always for the right reasons!) Plus, you can even go online and test yourself.

If your resilience quotient is low it means that you’re at risk of serious ill health if you face challenging times. Low resilience levels can often also indicate low self-esteem. Consequently your defences can be easily breached and if you sustain too many attacks, you can easily crumble or even shatter.

What does resilience look like?

We can probably all think of people we regard as resilient, or we might call them tough or mentally strong. Perhaps they are people you’ve worked for, friends or members of your family. Of course others spring to mind too, like Olympic and Paralympic athletes, people who’ve survived catastrophic events or those who’ve experienced tragedy.

Why is it that some people cope with challenging and tough times while others struggle?

Well, if you fall into the latter group it’s probably because your resilience quotient is low and this could be due to one of more of the following factors:

Hanging on to guilt and regretBeing unwilling to face your fears

A tendency to blame other people or things for your problems

Thinking, feeling and behaving negativelyNot taking responsibility for your actionsInability or refusal to make tough decisions or taking actionUnwilling to acknowledge your mistakesNot learning from what has happenedFocusing on things you can’t control or can’t take action on just nowThinking about the future in negative terms.

So, is resilience just the flipside of those things?

To some extent yes, however there’s more to it than that.

Resilient people have a more optimistic outlook. It’s not that they’re positive all the time, refusing to see or hear anything negative. It’s that they find something positive in negative circumstances or situations. Resilient people have low levels of anxiety, a high self belief and are pretty sure about their decision making ability. Resilient people can adapt to changing circumstances, they focus on solutions, not problems and take responsibility for making things happen.

Interestingly, they also tend to be people who have experienced challenges in early life, such as family break up, living in poverty or being a young carer. Early-life challenges can instill a determination to succeed and avoid repeating early life experiences . Importantly though they’ve usually had a good strong relationship with a key adult throughout too.

Resilient people know change is inevitable and they’re ready for it.

The great thing about resilience is it can be boosted and learned through changing your thinking and improving your self-management. Like any new habit, at first it might feel like a lot of effort, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

Boosting your resilience quotient

As we experience life, learning and growing from our experiences, most of us become more resilient naturally. However, there are things we can do to help ourselves increase our all round resilience. Check out the 9 positive steps below:

1. Keep an open mind and be flexible

When bad things happen, it’s easy to be reactive, to go on auto pilot, catastrophise and make things seem more awful than they really are. Tune into your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and try to see things from a different perspective. Take stock of the situation – things might seem bad right now, but could there be something positive that can come out of it? Could it be opening another door for you? Can you find meaning and purpose in what’s happened?

If we have a fixed mindset we’re more likely to resist change and this can eat our energy and lower our resilience. If we become more accepting of a situation, we can then choose to act and find a solution or go with the flow. Thus we change our attitude.

2. Look after yourself

This may seem common-sense, yet so many people don’t and somehow expect to stay well. The more we look after ourselves, the more resilient we’ll be. Eating nutritiously, regular rest and quality sleep, spending time outside, moving your body, having other interests, living in the now and being mindful all contribute to intrinsic resilience.

3. Be compassionate

In challenging times, if our resilience levels are low, we can easily find ourselves being overly self-critical. Be gentle with yourself, talk to yourself as you would a friend. Reflect on how you got through a challenging time in the past to reinforce your confidence and belief that you can cope. View mistakes with understanding. This will help you to come up with coping strategies and solutions.

4. Break your problems down

The bigger the issue, the more likely we’re to feel overwhelmed. By breaking the problem down into small chunks and dealing with them one by one, we make it easier to tackle. It also results in feelings of accomplishment as we successfully move through and tackle each part.

5. Cultivate optimism and celebrate success

Resilience is not about false positivity, which often just denies or ignores what is actually happening. However, when times are tough it can be too easy to just focus on everything that’s going wrong. Taking a more positive and optimistic perspective and looking at what’s going right too is far more likely to lead to finding solutions and arriving at a positive outcome.

When you’re able to see opportunities for growth in whatever is happening, life becomes more easy to navigate. When you come out the other end, acknowledge and celebrate your capability and success as this will further boost your resilience levels.

6. Make decisions

Low resilience in difficult times can result in an inability or unwillingnes to make decisions. Hello procrastination! As our confidence and self-belief dissipates we become paralysed. Making a decision and then taking action is always a positive step forward. The more decisions we make, the more control we have and feel and the more our resilience levels go up.

It’s completely natural to feel insecure and afraid during times of change or trouble. Whatever is happening is taking us out of our comfort zone, into unknown territory, which makes us feel uncertain. Nevertheless, facing up to fears allows us to learn and grow. Funnily enough once we’ve faced them, they don’t seem so big either!

9. Be present and optimistic about the future

When your mind wanders to worry and anxiety rises, bring it back to the present moment and try to focus on the here and now. When you do think about the future, think about it the way you want it, as opposed to what you don’t want to happen. Focus on having successfully navigated whatever your current challenge is, imagine what you’ll see, hear and feel.

If these steps are ones you find difficult to take, then NLP can really help you. It develops much greater flexibility in thinking, increases confidence and self belief, the ability to achieve your goals and increase your success. NLP builds emotional agility and emotional congruence. It will strengthen your resilience incredibly as your world view expands and you discover your full capability inside you. If you’d like to know more about NLP training or coaching, please get in touch…

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2020/01/10-tips-to-build-your-resilience-quotient/feed/03 Ways to Emotional Agilityhttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/3-ways-to-emotional-agility/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=3-ways-to-emotional-agility
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/3-ways-to-emotional-agility/#respondMon, 09 Dec 2019 22:15:55 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2019/12/09/3-Ways-to-Emotional-AgilityWhat does the term emotional agility mean to you? If you have a picture in your mind of running through a course at Crufts while being scored for time and accuracy, you’re a bit off the mark! Although navigating life’s emotions can at times feel like a bit of an obstacle course! Some people use […]

If you have a picture in your mind of running through a course at Crufts while being scored for time and accuracy, you’re a bit off the mark! Although navigating life’s emotions can at times feel like a bit of an obstacle course!

Some people use the term emotional agility interchangeably with emotional intelligence, however they’re not the same thing.

You can be emotionally intelligent and yet lack emotional agility. On the other hand you can’t be emotionally agile and lack emotional intelligence.

Confused? Then read on!

Emotional intelligence is to do with self-awareness, awareness of others’ emotions and how you relate to them.

Emotional agility is all about having the ability to accept, not repress, your emotions and to deal with them in a constructive way that doesn’t build stress within you or adversely impact your immune system.

In other words, if you’re not emotionally agile, it can make you ill! Holding emotions within you is like turning the heat up incrementally on a pressure cooker and waiting for it blow. Everything spills out in a completely uncontrolled way and the pressure cooker is in ruins.

Hence why we talk about needing to let off steam when we feel pressure mounting within us.

The emotionally agile leader

If you’re a leader, developing emotional agility will take your leadership skills to a whole different level. However it can be a skill that’s in short supply. That’s because most leaders believe that they are expected to be in control at all times, which means they often try to suppress their negative emotions. Yet the very act of suppressing them can create unhealthy habits, stifle creativity, innovation and personal development, and impact decision-making.

And meanwhile, that internal pressure is growing.

It can lead to leaders avoiding new situations or any challenges that trigger those negative emotions and that means that they miss out on things that could actually be good for them and their company. Or, their negative emotions could actually be telling them something important, but they press on regardless along a different path, only to discover that they have bitten off something they can’t chew because they don’t have the skills or knowledge to deal with it.

They get to a point where their negative emotions are controlling them and decisions are based on those emotions, not rational thought. When you’re dealing with a leader like that, it can be almost impossible to reason with them, and a tactical retreat may be the only option, living to “fight” another day!

And that’s the thing, not only does this behaviour impact on them as a leader and a person, it can impact on everyone around them. Teams view leaders as role models so often mirror their behaviours, including negative ones. This is partly about believing that those are the kind of behaviours that make people successful, but it can also be to win favour from the leader, or at worst, as a form of self-protection. These behaviours then become the norm, leading to a culture where people suppress their emotions and feel unable to speak freely, populated by emotional outbursts when they are unable to suppress their feelings any longer.

And it also means that the leader who is unaware of or unwilling to acknowledge their own emotions, won’t want to acknowledge or understand emotion in others. And that leads to disharmonious relationships.

When things get to that stage, you’ve got a pretty toxic workplace. And toxic environments are dreadful for everyone involved.

If you’re reading this and it’s resonating with you, either because you work in that kind of environment or because you want to improve your emotional agility, then read on because improving your emotional agility means that the converse of all of the above negatives applies!

The emotionally agile leader creates a wholly different workplace culture, where no one needs to fear expressing themselves and talking about emotions.

Three ways to improve your emotional agility

1. Accept all the emotions you feel: good, bad and indifferent. Allow yourself to feel them.

This can be a challenge if you’re conditioned into thinking that you must only think positive thoughts and should be a ray of sunshine and happiness personified all the time.

Thinking positively doesn’t mean you can’t experience negative emotions; it’s about how you respond to those emotions. Everybody has bad days, but what separates the emotionally agile leader from the rest is their ability to channel those emotions in a constructive way and to rationalise them.

When you reach a place where you’re able to acknowledge and respond to your emotions in a healthy way, then you become a great role model for others, avoid making decisions based on those emotions, and create a culture of openness and innovation.

2. Reach a point where you can make decisions based on rational thought.

That doesn’t mean you ignore your emotions. Remember, you’ve already acknowledged the emotions that you’re feeling and have allowed yourself to experience them. Those emotions can be a negative influence on you; however, they can also be a positive factor. Some emotions are there to help guide us.

This is about taking your emotions out and holding them up to the light.

It’s about asking yourself, "what are these emotions telling me and is this something I need to take into account when deciding on a course of action?" For example, anger could be an indication that the proposed course of action isn’t right for you; however, anger could also be directed at yourself for being afraid to take a big step that is going to have positive ramifications for you.

The key thing is to examine the emotion and decide if it is in line with your values. This results in values-based decision-making, not emotion-based decision-making – and that’s a really powerful way to build a culture which is based on company values, plus to role model positive behaviours for everyone around you.

Learning to be objective about your emotions leads to better wellbeing and allows you to deal with any negative emotions in a healthy and productive way.

3. Learn NLP!

NLP techniques help you to get in touch with and respond to your emotions in a dispassionate, objective way. It encourages reflection and critical thinking, "Why am I feeling like this?" "What is the emotion telling me?" "How does this fit with my values?"

NLP also teaches you how to respond to emotion in others, in a way that builds understanding and connection. It’s OK, not to be OK. It’s also OK to feel emotions and to want to talk about them. If you’re an NLP-trained, emotionally agile leader, you can also help to build emotional agility in others and guide them to respond constructively to their emotions.

If you’d like to learn more about NLP and emotional agility, or discuss options for NLP training then get in touch.

AboveBeyond is running a 4 day Intensive NLP Practitioner and an 8 day Enhanced Coach Practitioner training in February. More information is here:

I also do this work with teams, so if you’re stuck with high conflict, high sickness, low engagement and low productivity and you want to turn things around, please get in touch.

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/3-ways-to-emotional-agility/feed/08 Ways to Give Guilt the Boot and Enjoy Eating at Christmashttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/8-ways-to-give-guilt-the-boot-and-enjoy-eating-at-christmas/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=8-ways-to-give-guilt-the-boot-and-enjoy-eating-at-christmas
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/8-ways-to-give-guilt-the-boot-and-enjoy-eating-at-christmas/#respondMon, 09 Dec 2019 21:09:05 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2017/12/20/8-Ways-to-Give-up-the-Guilt-and-Enjoy-Eating-at-ChristmasHere’s an updated version of a blog I posted a couple of years ago..I’m re-posting it because of some recent conversations around overwhelm and food at this time of year. I’d like to ask you a question. How are you feeling about the festive season and the feast of food and drink that will be […]

Here’s an updated version of a blog I posted a couple of years ago..I’m re-posting it because of some recent conversations around overwhelm and food at this time of year.

I’d like to ask you a question. How are you feeling about the festive season and the feast of food and drink that will be all around us for the next few weeks?

Let me tell you a little story..

When I was about 12, I remember waking up on Christmas morning and there at the bottom of my bed was a pillowcase bulging with nick nacks, stationary and the 12 packets of Golden Wonder Salt and Vinegar Crisps I’d asked Santa for. I ate every single one before breakfast! I absolutely loved those crisps with a passion. I was still very much like that until a few years ago. I’d eat the whole big bar of chocolate, the whole packet of biscuits or the whole bag of crisps. As you can imagine, I loved the festive season because I could eat a lot of everything!

So what’s my point?

Soon the Christmas feasting frenzy will be well and truly underway. Everywhere you look there’s already temptations for the sweet-toothed, the savoury snacker or the festive foodie. Tubs of chocolates and mince pies at work, stores stacked high with food of every variety, two for one, three for two deals encouraging us to buy more, Christmas parties and drinks and that’s all before the big event itself, which can last up until New Year! For those who struggle around food or have weight that they don’t want, it can be a challenging time of year.

What do I mean?

In the last couple of weeks I’ve started hearing people mention food and drink – the temptations, the challenges and their anxiety about the coming festive season. These people say they often end up feeling guilty when they say ‘no’ to food and drinks being offered. They feel the pressure of persuasion and don’t want to be called a party pooper. So it’s likely they’ll give in and later feel bad because they’ve eaten and drunk too much or feel like a failure for giving in. Does this sound at all familiar?

It doesn’t have to be that way… Here are 8 ways to enjoy the festivities and feel fabulous.

1. Plan it – Change the all or nothing approach to festive eating and drinking. Decide which days you’ll over-indulge and then commit to making healthier choices on the others. Save the feasting for Christmas and Boxing Day. Or eat healthily for 2 of your 3 meals each day. If you decide to have chocolate for breakfast then eat nutritiously for the rest of the day.

2. Vary it – If you overeat one day, eat less the next. You could even try intermittent fasting a couple of days a week. An easy version is where you fast between 6pm and 10am and only drink water and tea/coffee, eating your meals during the remaining 8 hours.

3. Think about it – Make conscious decisions – Why are you eating? Are you really hungry? Is it just because the food is there and you’re mindlessly grazing? Are you stressed, annoyed, bored and eating emotionally? Becoming conscious of what triggers mindless eating, puts you more in control. As you reach for that slice of cake, pause, step out of yourself and get another perspective on your decision.

4. Say it differently – Change the words you use when you make a choice. Saying ‘I can’t have that’, ‘I’m not allowed to eat that’ is likely to make you feel like you’re missing out, want it more and just end up annoying others around you. Try saying ‘I don’t want it’, instead. Own your decision and put yourself in control and remember, you don’t have to give a reason.

5. Slow it – Take smaller mouthfuls, chew your food properly and really taste it. Hoovering your food up like a Dyson Vacuum Cleaner means you’ll overeat. It takes 20 minutes for your stomach to register fullness and digestion starts in the mouth. If you eat fast, you’re more likely to get indigestion and feel that overfull bloated, OMG I’m going to have a food baby, I can’t move off the sofa kind of feeling.

6. Shrink it – Decrease your portions by using a smaller plate or bowl for your food and no, that doesn’t mean piling it high or going back for seconds instead! Choose to eat the foods that are special to Christmas in place of, instead of in addition to the foods you have the rest of the year.

7. Drink it – I’m talking about water here! Drink a glass or two 30 mins before each meal. As well as preparing your stomach for digestion, it will help you eat less. If you do drink wine with your meal, sip it and really focus on the taste and how the flavour works with the food.

8. Move it – Get your body moving and fire up your metabolism by going for a brisk walk before you eat. If not before, then go after to help with digestion and balancing your blood sugar. Or get out and play with your kids or grandkids, put on some music and dance! It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as you MOVE!

Making conscious positive choices and doing them a majority of the time is what will keep you, your blood sugar and your body stable and well. It’ll also take the pressure off, you’ll feel more relaxed and be able to enjoy yourself without feeling like you’re depriving yourself. And if your weight is of concern to you and the needle goes in the wrong direction a bit, instead of deciding to give up, take action instead. Set a goal, devise a plan do the first step straight away.

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/12/8-ways-to-give-guilt-the-boot-and-enjoy-eating-at-christmas/feed/0How Physiotherapists Can Embed Changed Behaviours in Their Clients to Aid Recoveryhttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/11/how-physiotherapists-can-embed-changed-behaviours-in-their-clients-to-aid-recovery/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-physiotherapists-can-embed-changed-behaviours-in-their-clients-to-aid-recovery
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/11/how-physiotherapists-can-embed-changed-behaviours-in-their-clients-to-aid-recovery/#respondSun, 17 Nov 2019 23:57:20 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2019/07/21/How-Physiotherapists-Can-Embed-Changed-Behaviours-in-Their-Clients-to-Aid-RecoveryMost physiotherapists want to be able to communicate in the best possible way with any and every client. However, this can be a real challenge, as ‘the best possible way’ is different for each individual who comes to you. Getting it right is vital though if you want to help every client maximise the benefit […]

Most physiotherapists want to be able to communicate in the best possible way with any and every client. However, this can be a real challenge, as ‘the best possible way’ is different for each individual who comes to you.

Getting it right is vital though if you want to help every client maximise the benefit of their treatment and create permanent changes with more ease.

Perhaps you’ve been frustrated by clients who seem to stop themselves from recovering. You genuinely want to help every one make the changes that will benefit their movement and quality of life long term. You don’t want to see some clients return time and again, because they keep repeating old patterns and behaviours. Nevertheless, you find you aren’t quite hitting the mark with every one…

The trick lies in understanding how a client’s language gives you important information about how they view their problem, pain or capability to heal. It’s in using this information to tailor your communication and approach to influence change at a deeper level.

If you’d like to be able to help change a client’s thinking for good…have you thought about Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)? It can aid you in getting better results in less time, even with the most challenging clients.

Curious? Read on to find out how.

In this article I’ll cover:

What is NLPBuilding great rapport with anyoneUsing language with precision to bring about changeManaging chronic painUnderstanding what’s really going on in a client’s mindManaging stress and anxiety.

NLP is the study of subjective human experience and understanding people. It explores the relationships between how people think (neuro), communicate (linguistic) with themselves and others and their patterns of behaviour and emotion (programs).

The skills and tools of NLP were modeled and synthesised through observing experts in their field of work. Much is rooted in behavioural science and can play a positive role in engaging clients / patients in their own recovery via changing their thinking at a deeper level.

How can it work with physiotherapy?

1. Building Great Rapport with Anyone

The ability to connect and build rapport quickly is essential for any physiotherapist. Every client is unique. They might turn up anxious, nervous, frustrated or disinterested. They may have assumptions and beliefs about their condition and physiotherapy. So how you behave in the first few minutes can have a tremendous effect on your future work together.

Sensory acuity is the ability to quickly pick up on the details of a person’s verbal and non-verbal communication and is something we all use unconsciously. NLP teaches how to greatly enhance this and use it consciously to build instant rapport with anyone. Using enhanced sensory acuity skills would ensure all your new clients feel they are with someone who ‘gets them’ and they’d open up and trust you more quickly. You would have increased influence and they’d be more responsive to the therapeutic process.

2. Using Language with Precision to Bring About Change

As a physiotherapist, you are seen as an expert by those who come for help with injury, disease or pain. The way you speak can very much influence the client’s perception of their ability to heal. We tend to use language habitually. We’re often unaware of how what we say is really understood and it’s effect on others, especially when we’re under pressure. For example, if a medical professional gives a patient a diagnosis and or tells them they’re unlikely to fully recover, that patient will generally install those beliefs in themselves and produce results accordingly. In other words, they become self fulfilling.

Furthermore, we all have our preferred communication style. Problems arise when we talk to someone uses a different style as misunderstanding can easily occur. Think about it, have you ever had a frustrating conversation with someone that seemed to be talking a completely different language? Well it’s likely they had a different communication style to you. This applies to your clients too and can easily result in their misunderstanding or misinterpreting what you’re saying.

The conscious and precise use of language is at the heart of NLP. Through understanding the nuances of language and adapting your communication to each client, you can reduce misunderstanding, increase your effectiveness and influence greater change with them. Learning NLP language patterns can help you positively influence a client who has limiting beliefs about getting better, to start thinking in a more positive way. If you’ve built good rapport and your language resonates and connects with a client, then you’re likely to see greater results more rapidly.

3. Managing Chronic Pain

The issue of chronic pain is currently an important topic in physiotherapy. It’s now understood that such pain seems to alter the processing in the brain, whereby the nociceptors in the somatosensory cortex become over active and increase the pain experience. It’s also becoming more recognised that pain is very much ‘what we think it is’ – I.e. the fear of pain often increases perception of it.

NLP techniques that involve language patterns, reframing and suggestion have been shown to be successful in decreasing the level of pain people feel, both in the short and long term. Imagine how useful such tools would be in when working with patients / clients with chronic pain. By helping them decrease their perception of pain, they would be better able to focus and put energy into their rehabilitation programme and consequently speed up the healing process. They would be engaging the mind to help heal the body.

4. Understand What’s Really Going on in a Client’s Mind

Everything we do is based on an underlying pattern or process we go through, which, 90% of the time, happens unconsciously. It’s normal, our brains are wired to pattern match in order to cope with the all the information that we’re constantly bombarded with. In NLP, these patterns or processes are called strategies and there are techniques that enable you to discover a person’s strategies for doing anything. In physiotherapy this would be useful for finding out how a client gets motivated, makes decisions or is convinced something will work. It could be used for changing an unhelpful habit or behaviour that’s hindering their progress to recovery. Being able to identify a client’s strategies would enable you as a physiotherapist to get really specific in your approach to each client. Not only this, it would also help to sell your services more effectively.

5. Managing Anxiety and Stress

Some people who come for physiotherapy can be quite anxious or stressed for varying reasons. It could be because of their injury or disease, fear about recovery, their work or lifestyle or it’s become a ‘normalised’ state of being for them. These negative states cause hormone imbalances, which can then affect the healthy functioning of other parts of the body, plus they use considerable energy resources. Being able to utilise NLP techniques for anxiety and stress reduction will aid in a client’s recovery through bringing more balance to the body and freeing up energy to focus on rehabilitation and getting well.

Here’s one simple technique for helping clients who get anxious about events the future. First identify the event causing anxiety and then tell the client to imagine how they’ll feel 15 minutes after the successful completion of it. Ask them to imagine what they’ll see, hear and feel. If they say it’s not working, then remind them to think about the successful completion! This process encourages people to focus on what they want rather than what they don’t want. When your clients get into the habit of creating positive associations and feelings, recovery can take place more rapidly.

This technique is equally useful for physiotherapists too. You work in highly demanding profession that often involves dealing with complex and challenging issues. This can lead to performance anxiety and loss of confidence, particularly in newly qualified or returning professionals. In NLP, there are a number of tools, including Anchoring and Reframing that can really support physiotherapists with managing their state of mind, their emotions and energy levels, especially when working under pressure. Being able to employ NLP techniques for yourself whenever you need them, would augment the quality of service you could offer and help increase the results in all and every client you see.

These are just 5 of the ways that NLP can be used in physiotherapy to help embed behaviours and aid recovery.

This article was prompted by recent discussions with physiotherapists who are thinking about different ways of working that could get better long term results with every client that comes their way.

If you’d like to know more about NLP and the possibilities for it’s use in physiotherapy, I deliver introductory NLP workshops across the UK.

We’ve developed an NLP Practitioner Training tailored for Physiotherapists, which we’ll be running in Spring 2020. For this course only, places are available at a special rate of (£500) in return for detailed feedback.

This course is certified and will cover everything from the Intensive Practitioner Training (details here) but with a specific physiotherapy focus and the addition of physical activity to enhance and embed the learning.

For more information and to book, please get in touch on 0792 3367545 or send me an email.

]]>http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/11/how-physiotherapists-can-embed-changed-behaviours-in-their-clients-to-aid-recovery/feed/0Three Top Tips for Effective Influencinghttp://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/11/three-top-tips-for-effective-influencing/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=three-top-tips-for-effective-influencing
http://abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/2019/11/three-top-tips-for-effective-influencing/#respondSun, 17 Nov 2019 23:54:06 +0000https://www.abovebeyondcoaching.co.uk/single-post/2019/11/17/Three-Top-Tips-for-Effective-InfluencingIf you were to ask people what skills they would rank as the most important in business, you might get a list of things such as financial management, communication, project management, problem solving, leadership and time management. And these are all critical to business success. However, there’s another vital skill that should be added to […]

If you were to ask people what skills they would rank as the most important in business, you might get a list of things such as financial management, communication, project management, problem solving, leadership and time management.

And these are all critical to business success.

However, there’s another vital skill that should be added to the list and that’s the ability to influence.

People often only consider it as a skill in relation to sales people or politicians. Yet when you stop to really think about it, we use influencing skills in all areas of business and life; asking for a day off at short notice; encouraging a partner to make a purchase; trying to get your parents to let you stay out longer.

Dale Carnegie recognised this when he wrote his 1936 book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It quickly became popular and, to date, has sold over 15 million copies across the world, leading to it becoming one of the best-selling books of all time. That’s quite and achievement for a book that’s all about influencing and forming positive relationships.

Worlds together or worlds apart?

So, what exactly is influence all about?

The dictionary defines it as the capacity to have an effect on the character, development or behaviour of someone or something. That’s a pretty dry definition of a skill that has the capacity to transform your relationships with people and to lead to a successful work and personal life!

There are so many situations in which we use our influencing skills: presentations, negotiations, job interviews, change management projects, mediation, meetings, training facilitation, the list goes on. In our personal lives we also use influencing skills: when we’re raising children and in other personal relationships too.

When we have a relationship with people – any kind of relationship, we’re always looking to persuade them that our view of the world is the right one. How many times have you had a conversation with someone and thought or said something along the lines of, “I just don’t understand why they can’t see what I’m saying!”

However, each of us has our own unique view of the world, formed through all our experiences, values, beliefs and so on. What other people see is entirely different from what we see. We may share some beliefs and values, but we can never share the exact same world view.

So, if we try to persuade people by telling them about OUR view of the world, the exchange is going nowhere fast.

Back in 1936, before the advent of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), Dale Carnegie wrote about speaking in terms of the other person’s interests, listening well and showing a genuine interest in them. He also wrote about trying to see things from the other person’s point of view.

NLP, which was developed in the 1970s, takes this concept of trying to see things from the other person’s point of view to a different level and gives a model for communication and influencing that helps you to get your message across in a way that builds rapport, opens up trust, inspires and motivates, and inevitably, gets results. NLP teaches us that the best way to influence people is to be able to step into their model of the world and use language that they can relate to, to achieve a win-win outcome.

So how do you begin to step into someone else’s world?

Well it’s a huge subject but here are some useful tips to help you find out what makes other people tick.

Tip 1 – Practise Active Listening

It might seem obvious, but in a world where it often feels like we’re constantly clock-watching and short of time, actually making time to listen to people properly will help build trust and rapport and make them feel valued. As well as an important first step in understanding what their view of the world is, it helps in creating a strong relationship.

Yet it’s not just about making people feel valued. Active listening gives you the opportunity to listen to the cues people give you about their world view. You can find out what’s important or unimportant to them, what things people feel strongly about: their likes, dislikes, values, beliefs, attitudes and emotions.

Make sure to also notice the things that AREN’T being said, the gaps that might need to be filled in through further questioning. For example, someone might say that honesty is important to them, because of something that happened to them a while back. This might be something you want to subtly explore once trust has been established, if you think it’s going to be relevant to the relationship. Also watch out for the things that are communicated through non-verbal behaviour, such as facial expressions, eye movements and body position and movements.

Think of it in terms of starting with a blank canvas which you can fill in with detail as you start to paint a picture of the other person and their world.

Tip 2 – Use the Power of Words

Choose your words carefully by checking the response you get from the other person. If you think you’re getting a negative response, try using a different word to see if it changes things. Likewise, if the words you’re using are getting a positive reaction, you’re on the right track!

Remember that different words mean different things to different people. A term that you view as positive might be viewed negatively by someone else.

That said, in NLP there are words that are regarded as more powerful than others because of the responses they evoke. So, using words like success, happy, believe, change, healthy and thrive can be a powerful way to generate positive emotions, and words like truth, revealed, imagine and secret can generate curiosity.

Piece it all together to use language that will engage, inspire and uplift the other person.

Tip 3 – Matching and Mirroring

Matching and mirroring, as the phrase suggests, is about subtly imitating the language and behaviour of the other person as a way to quickly establish rapport. It’s really about bringing tips 1 and 2 together because it’s based on observing the body language and listening to the words used by the other person so that we can reflect it back to them.

Why is this effective?

Well, we tend to like people who are like us. So if we can match and mirror the other person’s words and body language, it’s likely to make them feel drawn to us and they more likely to open up and trust us. We can take this a step further and match their preferred communication style: visual, auditory or kinaesthetic. This means you appeal to either their sense of sight, hearing or touch.

As an example, if you were trying to sell a product to someone, you would show a visual communicator pictures or let them see it, for an auditory communicator you would talk about it’s benefits and for a kinaesthetic communicators you would let them trial the product and get a feel for it.

Want to Know More?

If you follow these 3 tips, you’ll start to develop a pretty good picture of the other person’s world and once you understand their world view, your interactions with them will be much smoother and more positive.

There’s so much more to influencing and NLP. If you’re curious to discover more you could book onto our NLP – A Day of Discovery on on 25th January 2020 or our full NLP Practitioner course in February.

Or if you’d just like to have a chat to learn more about what NLP can do for you, then I’d love to hear from you, just drop me a line here.