Disclaimer:
Resistance is futile, particularly when it comes to chocolate,
coffee, and
writing fanfic. All things I pay for and get nothing in returnbut a good
feeling and feedback. So don't worry, Paramount, for all thingsStar Trek
are still yours.Author's Note:
This story is based on my very first one which I've writtenin German.
It had a few flaws, though, so I decided to rewrite the wholething J/P
style and make it more up to date (including "Survival Instinct").Rated: PG-13Written: 4/00

The panel
above Tom's head was beeping discretely,constantly
monitoring his vital signs it was programmed to keepwatch over.
The surgical arch was closed protectively over him,providing
his broken body with all the nutrition and medicationsnecessary
for his recovery. As for now, Tom Paris was kept inartificial
paralysis to help the delicate nerve tissue of his spinalcord heal.
No matter where he was touched, he wouldn't feelanything,
except for in his face. By now,
Kathryn Janeway knew every bit of his face asthough it
were the back of her hand. She knew the softness of hisskin, particularly
the space between his eyebrows, mesmerized bythe softness
of the fine hair there. The flesh of his lips was so newthat it was
still very tender. Also, she enjoyed letting the back ofher finders
being tickled by the stubble on his jaw and chin. But
she longed for more. She wanted to touch his hands,wanted his
arms around her, his breath on her skin. Kathryn
closed her eyes. She wanted him so much it hurt.His health,
though, wouldn't allow that, let alone the Doctor. Tomhad been on
the edge of death more often than anyone had cared tocount during
the surgery. It had been a week now, and he still wasin a coma.
The EMH repeatedly urged her to be patient, butpatience had
never been a virtue of Kathryn's, unless it concernedher beloved
science. The
Captain of Voyager craned her neck in differentdirections
to relieve the tension that had built in her muscles. Whenshe opened
her eyes again, her gaze fell inadvertently on themedicine wheel
that Chakotay had put up for his friends earlier. Hehad told her
something about the meaning and effect of the stonesin general,
and about their location on the wheel in particular. Hehad even been
so awfully kind as to carve a new stone especiallyfor Tom. To
put it in a simple way, the end of a medicine wheelwas to guide
the mind and soul of a comatose or dying person backon the right
way. "You'll
have to be patient, Kathryn," Chakotay had toldher. "Let
the spirits find his soul, and let him learn to trust them.He will, for
he is a smart man who'd better not leave a girlfriendlike his on
her own." Kathryn
had thanked him with a big hug. After all they hadbeen through
they had finally made it to a comfortable level ofrelationship.
With both of them either married or happily in lovethey had realized
that what had always been between them was thebeginning
of a very deep friendship that went beyond the love theyhad once been
so close to sharing. So,
Kathryn was grateful for her friend's help, but withTom not being
a very spiritual person, she was having doubtswhether the
medicine wheel would have an effect on herboyfriend's
healing process. As the Doctor had pointed out—andthat repeatedly
so—it would at best enhance his spirits, but hewouldn't make
it without all the technology in the surgical bay.Kathryn knew
that, of course, but she hadn't said anything. Onceshe had believed
in the power of things spiritual, and she had saveda life with
that power. "Are
you okay?" Both the question and the warm hand onher shoulder
startled her and woke her from her reverie. She turnedaround and
found Riley standing behind her, her hand now glidingfrom her shoulder
into Kathryn's hand. The older woman gave heran appreciative
squeeze. "Yes,
thank you," she said wearily. "I could do with a cupof coffee
now, though." A smile
spread on the former Borg's face, and it was onlythen that
Kathryn noticed her hiding something behind her back.When Riley
finally revealed her secret, Kathryn smiled. Somehow,this woman
must have read her thoughts, for she had brought athermos flask
and matching cup. Several of her crew had finallymanaged a
way to grow coffee trees in Hydroponics, and now allthe coffeeholics
were enjoying the first harvest. Sometimes thecorridors
outside the Mess Hall were thick with the scent of freshlybrewed coffee. "Thank
you ever so much, Ril," Kathryn whispered,holding the
cup so her friend could pour her some. She took a sipof the steaming
hot beverage and enjoyed its bitterness with eyesclosed. "How's
Tom?" "Quite
fine, I think," Kathryn said. She watched her whileRiley was
scrutinizing the readouts on the sides of the medicalarch. With
the Doctor's help, Riley had grown her own blonde hairback, and
by now it was cascading down her shoulders in thickwaves. She
had saved Chakotay's life, something for whichKathryn would
be forever grateful to her. In turn, she had offeredher to come
back home with them, an offer Riley had only been toohappy to accept
after she had seen through the hidden agenda ofthe rest of
the former drones. Her presence—and expertise in allthings Borg—had
changed life aboard Voyager quite a bit. Afterall, she had
been the catalyst that had one couple marry andanother live
in sin. "I don't
know how to say it, Kathryn, but the three of us—and my lord
and master—have looked for a way to make things alittle bit
easier for the two of you," Riley began. She had referred toSeven and
Marika Wilkara, Three of Nine. The Bajoran ex-Borgwas spending
the remainder of whatever short time was left of herlife on Voyager.
Although reticent at first, she had soon embracedlife aboard
Voyager as much as she could. Riley and Chakotay inparticular
were those with whom she spent most of her time.Kathryn couldn't
think of a better guide to humanity than her bestfriend. "Well,
we'd like you and Tom to have this," Rileycontinued
after pausing. From one of her pockets she produced asilver box. "What
is it?" Kathryn put her cup down on a table standingnearby, and
looked curiously at the small container Riley wasproffering
her. "It's
something you'll enjoy a lot," Riley said cryptically. Kathryn
took the box, and when she opened it she found apair of neurocortical
monitors imbedded in the black foammaterial.
"These are modified neural transponders." "To
form a kind of a mini-collective between two people,"Kathryn concluded. "Exactly,"
Riley smiled. "So Tom won't feel so aloneanymore. But
I must strongly advise you not to use it for longerthan two or
three hours a day. It could cause damage in Tom'snervous systems." "Thank
you, Doc," Kathryn whispered, carefully closingthe small
box. "You have no idea how much you've helped us withthat." She
stood and embraced the doctor. Riley
smiled and massaged the older woman's shoulders."Believe me,
I do. This was Chakotay's idea, after all. Heappreciated
the neural link a lot when he was injured on the Borgplanet." Kathryn's
lips turned into a mischievous smile. "What elsedoes your
prescription say?" "Use
it only when I'm on duty. Doc probably wouldn'tappreciate
this," Riley whispered conspiratorially.

The box
with one of the neural transponders was sitting onthe glass
top table in front of Kathryn. She had just returned fromSickbay, had
for once left Tom in the capable hands of Dr. Frazier.It wasn't
that she didn't trust either her or the Doctor, on thecontrary.
She wanted to be there for him, make sure that he wasokay, let
him know in some way she hadn't yet found that he wasn'talone, that
he was being cared for and taken care of. Still the comawas a mystery
to science. Many different theories existed as towhat was going
on in a person's mind when they were trapped in acoma. That
was why even a medicine wheel had been put up forTom. And that
was why Kathryn kept sitting by his side until shefell asleep
from exhaustion. But
now, the neural transponder had been affixed to thebase of his
skull, where Riley had activated it. A constellation offlickering
lights had told them that it was active, as had a speciallydesigned program
on the surgeon's console. Riley then had shownKathryn how
to activate the link, and had wished her luck. Now,
in the privacy of her quarters, she was sitting on hersofa, her
neural transponder in front of her. "Please make thiswork," she
murmured to herself, then she took the device from itscase and attached
it behind her ear. Then she took a deep breathand activated
it.

Neither
of us had ever had anyone in our thoughts before.Well, there
had been the odd mind-meld, but that didn't reallycount because
Tuvok had been very discrete in his way, and on topof that he'd
known what he was doing. It never felt like an intrusionon our minds.
But what happened now was completely different.Tom had withdrawn
himself into the deepest part of his innerrecesses,
whereas Kathryn had opened her mind completely to thelink. It was
overwhelming and it was only then that we fullygrasped the
dilemma of the survivors of Seven's unimatrix. Youweren't alone,
never, and in the matter of seconds we learnedeverything
about each other. There weren't any secrets any more. IfTom had known,
he wouldn't have allowed it. Not because he hadto hide something. It was
just so much, and while Kathryn was giving awayevery part
of her being, Tom just remained where he was. Hestayed within
the shelter of the protective wall, had shut down allthe other
parts of his mind. Even a Vulcan couldn't have heldthemselves
more in check than Tom did in his coma. Despite that,Tom learned
about Kathryn, because there are parts of your mindyou can't
keep in control easily. One
of the first things Kathryn learned was that Tom wasstill responsive
to sensory input, such as touch, and sound, andsmell, and
taste. It was so good for her to see that after all, he stillwas there,
and he appreciated what she was doing. He just couldn'tact on it,
or rather, he wouldn't. What he had seen had been soabominable
that in order to keep it in check in his mind, he couldn'tbother with
his surroundings and people about him. Kathryn knewthat this
was a protective mechanism, and no one and nothingcould break
it easily. ::I
miss you so much, Tom,:: Kathryn thought, and knewthat he had
understood. She could follow up her words into hismind, for
such was the nature of the link of our minds. But
for the moment there was no way for Tom to leave hisshelter, because
what he had seen was still too abhorrent for him tocope with.
And suddenly we realized that if Tom kept shuttinghimself out
from the world, he would come back either withamnesia or
never wake again. That was, his body might, but part ofhis mind would
remain adrift. Both
were chances Kathryn didn't want to take. Tom
could sense the profound fear within her, but also herlove, and
her strong determination to get him out of here, herunwillingness
to accept her helplessness. If he could, he wouldhave tried
to make her change her mind. But that meant leaving hisshelter, which
of course he couldn't. If he had, Kathryn would havebeen successful. "I love
you, Tom Paris," Kathryn said into the loneliness ofher quarters,
and Tom could hear it. Kathryn cupped her left handin her right,
and slowly raised them to her lips. She started to kissthe base of
her palm, drawing a line from her wrist to the tips ofher fingers.
And while she was feeling herself touching her skin,she also felt
what Tom was feeling; our minds were linked to feeland sense
what the other felt and sensed. Experiencing theexcitement
of kissing someone and being kissed at the same timewas overwhelming. It allowed
the part of Tom's mind that kept track of thesensory input
to enjoy our sensations. We knew Tom loved beingkissed in
this way, but we also knew that he couldn't be lured outof his shell
that easily. "You're
not alone, we're taking care of you. Everythingwill work
out, just come back to us. It's not time for you yet,"Kathryn whispered,
and again we heard her voice both in ourminds and
ears. And our minds smiled at the way Kathryn feltabout listening
to herself with another's mind.

Riley
deactivated the neural transponder after the terminalhad informed
her that the link was broken. During all the time ofthe link she
had kept track of Tom's vital signs and brainwaves,and whatever
Kathryn had done worked. For a few brief secondsthere had
been spikes in the otherwise calm brainwaves, depictionsof Tom's imperceptible
reaction to Kathryn's presence. That was anincredible
success. She hadn't expected much of anything. Kathryn,of course,
was delighted to learn about this new development whenRiley informed
her via the intercom. When
she went about to change the sheets and wash himwith Kathryn's
help, Dr. Frazier made another discovery. She hadjust lowered
the surgical arch and removed the silvery blanketwhen she noticed
that Tom's left hand, which until then had beenclenched up
by spastic paralysis, was resting completely relaxed onhis stomach. "What
have you done to him, Kathryn Janeway?" Rileycouldn't help
wondering aloud. She gathered his left hand in hersand found
that it was just limp. Her gaze then fell on his toes whichuntil then
had been slightly curled. But they were just as relaxed ashis fingers.
She slipped her hands around his neck and found themuscles there
less tense than usual. "What has she done to you?" "I told
him that I loved him, and I kissed him in the way heloves," came
the reply from the door. Riley
turned to Kathryn. She was standing with her backturned on
the door, so Kathryn couldn't see what she had done tohim. Kathryn
was suddenly in a hurry to be by his side, and whenshe noticed
the changes in his posture, she let out a cry thatsounded like
both a laugh and a sob. She picked up his hand, andkissed his
palm although she knew he couldn't feel it because of theartificial
paralysis. "Oh
good God," she whispered on the verge of tears. "I hadno idea,"
she said, looking at Riley. "Neither
had I," the physician had to admit. "It's incredible.You've got
to tell me everything." And
tell her Kathryn did while they were taking care ofTom.

From
that point on, Kathryn and Riley were very optimisticabout Tom's
recovery. The Doctor, of course, felt left out and wasdisappointed
by the fact that the women had made an importantdecision without
him. At first he would have rejected their idea ofusing the
neural transponders as a way to get through to his patient.It was a very
intrusive therapy, which on top of that wasn't eventhought of
as such. Plus all this Borg stuff was getting far tooomnipresent
an universal remedy in his Sickbay. "But
don't you see, Doc, that the neural transponder is justa means to
communicate with Tom? It doesn't cure anything at all,that is something
which you and I are here for. And Tom has tohelp as well,
of course," Riley argued. The
Doctor still huffed. "You could have asked me at least.It's hardly
asking too much, now, is it?" Kathryn had to admit thathe was having
a point there. "I'm
awfully sorry, Doc," she said. "I guess I was toocarried away
as to think about that," she admitted. "Well,"
the EMH allowed, "it's obvious that Tom showsrecovery.
But next time—" "We
will ask, of course," Riley finished the sentence forhim. Then
she stood on tip toe and kissed his cheek. "Thanksanyway."

::Kathryn,
is that you?:: Her
heart skipped a beat. ::Of course, silly.:: She wouldnever have
expected a reaction like this from him, at least not at thesecond time
they were linked. Kathryn pressed her fingers to herlips, and
instantaneously we could feel the ripple of warm pleasurethat slowly
spread in Tom. At the same time, we felt the touch withher own senses.
It was so overwhelming to experience both of oursensations
that we wondered would it would be like if we werelinked while
making love to each other. Kathryn
smiled, and Tom felt the movement of hermuscles. ::What
was I thinking,:: we could hear her think. Thistime, Tom
didn't answer, though. We knew how much will powerit had cost
Tom just to ask for her. So Kathryn couldn't ask formore. ::You're
incredible, bluetiful,:: she said. ::You're all relaxednow. Thank
you so much for that.:: We were
certain that her bluetiful had heard. So Kathrynlet us being
carried away by the sensations of lips on a palm, asthey slowly
traveled towards the fingertips, leaving a slightly damptrail in their
wake. The hand was so warm as it cupped the otherhand, and
we thought we would die from the tenderness of the newtouch. The
fingertips of the one hand were slowly grazing the softskin of the
inside of a forearm. Tom
sucked in air, Kathryn could feel his chest heave withthe excitement
of the touch. We were very sorry when she brokethe link,
but maybe it had been too much for one night.

Two days
later, Tom's condition still hadn't changed. WhenChakotay came
to check on him, he talked softly to him. Kathrynhad told him
that Tom knew very well what was going on aroundhim. It was
her and the doctors' strong belief that if they keptincluding
him in their lives and the goings-on on Voyager it wouldbe easier
for him to wake. "Hey,
Poocuh, how are you?" His gaze flew over thereadings on
the monitors. Although not a doctor, Chakotay knewimmediately
that something was wrong. The readings seemed to befine, but
he had an uneasy feeling about the EEG. "What's going onhere, Tom?"
he muttered, scrutinizing the younger manthoughtfully
and worried. The bruises and lacerations haddisappeared.
There were no scars whatsoever, his skin was a littlepinker where
the Doctor had regenerated it. Chakotay's
eyes wandered from Tom's sleeping beauty'sface to the
medicine wheel next to the monitors above his head.And frowned
at the very same moment. The Eagle Stone wasn'tsupposed to
be in the center of— "Hang
on a minute," Chakotay murmured. "Unless I knewyou were in
a coma, Poocuh, I'd say you're not too keen on comingback." He
shook is head, wondering what had happened here. Allthe other
stones were in exactly the same places where he had putthem a couple
of days ago. The
Doctor, who had noticed the Commander coming in,put down his
tissue samples and scanner, and joined him in themain surgery
area. "How can I be of assistance?" Chakotay
explained the situation without taking his eyesoff the depiction
of the inner and outer universe of Tom's mind.After he had
ended, the Doctor frowned. "I haven't moved any ofthe stones." "Chakotay
to Frazier." "Yes?" After
Chakotay had repeated his explanation once more, hereceived the
same answer as before. Kathryn didn't know anythingeither, and
it took the two men all their powers of persuasion tomake her stay
on her bridge. "We'll find about this, Captain." Her
reply was hesitant, accompanied by a little sigh. "Verywell. Janeway
out."