Finding yourself: who do you want to be?

“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come to it, to know it, to realize it.”
― Osho

This has to be one of my favourite quotes. We spend so much time figuring out who we want to be, that we forget who we really are. We try so hard to become this person, this ideal that doesn’t exist, that we often fail to remember how to be me. Who are we? Why do we act the way we act?

I often spend my nights in the living room reflecting. About life. Myself. I take a step back from everything and think. How do I act in different situations? Why do I act like that? Do I like it? Have I done something today that helped me become a better person? Have I said or done something that I am going to regret? Have I done something to make it better? Will I make it better? Have I unintentionally said something to someone that may have hurt them?
I’m not going to lie, these questions tend to drive me crazy sometimes. I find myself struggling to find an explanation for all of these questions. Many sleepless nights were the result of this.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

Since there was no way I could answer those already, I decided to switch things up. Instead of asking myself who I wanted to be, I started asking myself the questions who I did not want to be. It was much easier to answer those ones.

I do not want to be a person who gets angry that easily.
I do not want to be a person that intentionally hurts other people.
I do not want to be that person who’s never on time.
I do not want to be that person who doesn’t act upon their speech.

It was so easy for me to make up a list of things I did not want to be. Why is that?
It’s the same with criticism. It’s so easy to criticise people and tell them what they’re doing wrong, but when it comes to giving compliments, we struggle.

Days were passing by and I kept on asking the same questions every night and got the same result: nothing.
As I was laying on the couch in the living room, I looked up to the ceiling and thought “What could possibly define me as a person? Why can’t I answer these questions and why do I struggle with being me?” At this point, my eyes got watery and I knew it. I knew who I needed for answers. I knew it all along. Allah.

A Hadith of Rasul (SAW) says that “whosoever knows himself knows his Lord’.

I’m not sure if I know myself. I don’t think I do. But every day I get to know myself better. I know I’m not perfect. I never will be, but that’s okay.
I have come to the conclusion that I will be able to answer all of my questions as I get more experienced in life. And even if I can’t find explanations, I’m fine with that. Everything happens for a reason. Not being able to answer those questions might have a reason as well.

I won’t try to become someone else. There’s a reason I’m me. I just have to discover that me more and gain control over my actions. I have to become the best possible version of myself. And I will do that with my religion as my guide, in sha Allah.