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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Carrying the Burden....

Since the day I found out I was having another boy, I have always worried that he would have to carry the burden of being two little boys in one. Don’t get me wrong, after losing Cohen I was totally desperate for another boy. My image of my family included that little boy and I needed that to survive. I always knew that another little boy wouldn’t replace my sweet Cohen but I still felt like God was going to bless me with another boy because he knew that is what I needed to move on.

After I had Tegan and he filled my heart and gave my healing process a jump start, I quickly realized that I placed all my love for him and for Cohen all on his shoulder. Even now, I have to remind myself that he is his own child. I honestly think it is just a survival thing but that doesn’t mean I don’t want for or miss loving on or watching Cohen grow.

Last night I walked in to the bathroom to check on Tegan in the bath. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him pop a marble out of his mouth. (Don’t judge, the kid likes to play with marbles in the bath tub) I got really serious with him and told him that it was very important that he not put a marble in his mouth because it could hurt him. Tegan being himself kept asking what would happen if he put the marble in his mouth. I told him it could go down his throat. Of course he wanted to know what would happen next. Knowing Tegan all too well and knowing that he would attempt to try it just to see what could happen; I very sternly said “You could die”. Again….save your judgments. He looks at me in the most serious way a 4 ½ year old could and says “is that what happened to my brother Cohen?” He always stops me in my tracks when he talks about Cohen in a way that would make you think he knew him personally. I quickly told him “No, Cohen went to heaven because God really wanted him there.” His response back to me hit me like a ton of bricks. He says, “You know there are two Tegans. There is Tegan who is Tegan and there is Cohen who is Tegan”. It took me a minute to process what he had just said. I was pretty speechless. I often wonder if Tegan feels the burden that I place on him to be my two boys in one. I guess if he does he is totally OK with it because he is doing an excellent job.

I am a firm believer that God finds a way to remind us of where we have come from to where we are now. I think last night was one of those reminders. It reminded me of the pain I once felt, the pain I still sometimes feel and the blessings and mercies that God has given me in Rylee and Tegan. I am focusing on my blessings today!