Tag Archives: family

I received a text message from my mother that my cousin (who is getting married) wants me to attend her wedding. They all live on the other side of the country and I don’t have the money to visit them; even if I did have the money I still don’t know if I even would. Well my mother offered to pay for my ticket to attend the wedding, and even though I would love to go back to California to visit my friends, I don’t really know if a free ticket and room is worth having to put up with my family. Because even if I do go, I don’t even know if I’d be able to visit my friends and do what I want to do. My family will see it as ‘we paid for the ticket, so you do exactly as we say’.

Also, I wouldn’t want to visit them alone, I’d want my ‘hubby’ to come with me, but my mother refused to offer to pay for him (which is understandable). She said that the ticket just for me will cost $600. So I looked online and TA-DA! I found two adult roundtrip tickets for under $500. I informed her of this, and she began telling me how no one will be able to house my ‘hubby’. I told her that we can stay in the same room, she then told me something silly about how she didn’t know if anyone would be comfortable with him staying in their home since he is not family.

Last time that he was in California with me, he faced the same thing. No one welcomed him and it was for the most hypocritical reason: Because of the color of his skin and what his financial situation was/the financial class he had been raised in.

My ‘hubby’ is darker than me, but we are from the same ethnicity; the island that he is from is literally right next to the island that my family is from. I grew up dirt poor, so did he. At the time he was still dirt poor, I had risen to lower middle class. But we both grew up in very similar situations and we just had a connection instantly. My family always told me how color and race never mattered, but then when I brought him home and even after we moved in together and even though we are still living together, my family wants nothing to do with him because he is of darker complexion and is not rich or middle class, so my family sees him as beneath them (myself included) and so they disapprove of us being together.

Even though our life is good together, especially when compared to others in my generation, they still disapprove to the point that many of my family members no longer speak or acknowledge me. We have lived together for going on 4 years, we do not have any children or debt. He has a career in his field of training, I have a job and am going to school and we are not constantly breaking up.

Even my cousin who is getting married, she and her fiance have called off the engagement at least 3 times in the less than 2 years that they have been dating. He first proposed to her when she found out that she was pregnant (about 3 months after they started dating), he then called it off because his mother got sick, then they started dating again after the baby was born, he proposed again, and then they broke it off again because he couldn’t stand living with her after they had moved in together. Then when the baby was about 5 months old they started dating again and got engaged again and then she broke off the engagement because she thought that he was cheating. And now they are engaged again and having a wedding ASAP.

I just don’t know, should I go back and expose myself to all the reasons why I left in the first place and have to hear the constant nagging of everyone as to why I’m not getting married and having children, and why am I allowing my younger family members to get married and have kids before me, and of course my favorite “Look at you, you’re so skinny, is he letting you eat?” “Look at your clothes, why don’t you have nice clothes? Doesn’t he buy you nice clothes?” “Look at yourself, you look so unkempt, why doesn’t he take care of you?”

I then get to explain how I pay for myself; I’m not dependent on my ‘hubby’ and I am an adult, I make my own choices and my ‘hubby’ supports most of my decisions. I chose to lose weight and become healthier, how we are waiting until after I finish college to start having serious discussions about marriage, how neither of us want children until after being married for a few years, how I choose to spend my money on things like school, bills and having fun, rather than spending $100 on a shirt or pair of pants, and how I choose to not wear make-up 24/7 and apply various expensive products to my hair, especially when I don’t need any of those things. Yes, my hair is very curly and frizzy, but that’s just how it is. If anything, I find it quite fun to know that I can easily pick my hair out into an afro at any given time. I don’t need to constantly wear make-up because I don’t really have anything to cover up. My face looks fine to me and everyone else that I know of; yes my face is a bit red when I blush or get too hot or cold, but that’s just how I am. Why should I wear expensive clothes and shoes when my clothes and shoes are just fine how they are and still look appropriate, and why should I buy all of the newest and latest things when my things are just fine.

So to go back and deal with it all, or to simply not go back right now and just wait until Christmas time when I will pay for it myself and be able to visit and spend my time exactly how I want to… decisions, decisions…

Recently via a social network I have been able to start talking with my godmother (my grandpa’s cousin). She is one of the few people in the older generation of my family who will openly talk about the past and many customs that many of my family won’t talk about. It is not only nice to actually be able to speak openly to a family member and not receive a long lecture about how what I do reflects on them and how I should do exactly as they say since their way has gotten them this far in life and how I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to how I feel and want to live my life…etc.

But, it was nice to know that even though things are going good; not perfect, but still good, that someone is actually willing to be ok with me choosing my “unconventional” lifestyle. What really made me feel the love was when my godmother told me that she will beat St. Lazarus‘ balls so that I will find success and more luck.

Many of you are probably wondering “What was that sentence that I just read?”

She takes a towel or piece of cloth, ties one end in a knot to represent St. Lazarus’ balls and beats it on something until the person who she tied it for gets the desired effect. She beats the balls as often as she feels necessary; once a day, once a week, multiple times a day, whatever she feels is necessary. Then after the desired effect is achieved she unties it and gives an ‘offering’ to a statue of St. Lazarus that my grandfather has. She usually gives a cigar and some type of sweet pastry. According to her it works. She did it when a friend of her’s was diagnosed with cancer, the doctors weren’t sure that they had caught it in time, and since the woman was very elderly, her body did not react well to the treatment. But once my godmother started beating St. Lazarus’ balls, it was a complete 180 for her friend. Suddenly her friend started gaining and keeping weight, she was reacting better the the treatment and she surprised everyone when her cancer not only went into remission, but has since not returned. So my godmother swears by it since then. Whether it works or not, it’s nice to know that she at least cares enough to do it 🙂

So I’m feeling the love right now and being a bit positive that no matter what I choose in life, I’ll at least have one family member who is still alive who won’t disown me.

Candle burning sounds easy enough, you grab a candle and light it, wham-bam, thank you ma’am, that’s it. But in order to get the desired effect, it depends on what candle is burned. What color, shape, and if anything is wrapped around it, and in some cases even what scent and size it is.

I was first introduced to candle burning by my grandma (the one mentioned in a previous post). She would burn candles for people. I always thought that it was a Catholic thing because the candles always depicted various images of different saints, and in some cases the Virgin Mary. When I had asked her about she said that it was just an old custom that they did back in their country. When I asked my mother about it, she rolled her eyes and gave a certain high sigh that she would give whenever she was annoyed about something, and she said that grandma was just being superstitious and reverting back to her roots in her old age.When I went back to my grandma and told her that I couldn’t get an answer from my mom, my grandma explained to me what she was doing. She explained to me that she was burning a candle for a friend who was sick, and that she was taught to always burn certain candles whenever someone you cared about was sick or going through a tough time, so that way they would regain their health or luck or success…etc. Or burn a candle for someone who is heading down the wrong road in life, and that just burning a certain candle will only nudge them in the right direction, but to do more the candle burner would have to visit someone who could do more.So whenever I saw a candle burning in her home I would always ask who it was for. Sometimes she would tell me and sometimes she wouldn’t. She would always have a candle burning in a bowl of water and she would keep it burning until either the candle would burn out or the desired effect was reached.But later on when I start doing some research, I found out that there were TONS of various candles to burn to different reason and in different situations.If you want money, burn a green candle.If you want purity in the home, burn a white candleSuccess, try burning a yellow candle. Love, try red (of course)And I found that you could burn multiple candles and do various rituals with the candles. It blew my mind that candles were used for more than just decoration and for what I had learned from my grandma. It blew my mind even more that burning candles was actually considered a type of magic by some people. And that candles weren’t just burned in rituals, but that there was a type of divination for candle burning. I leraned a lot thanks to the internet, and various books.Learning about so many different uses for candles and burning candles really made sense of all the “superstitions” that my family looked down their nose at, but also practiced. My family dismissed the older generations’ believes as old superstitions, but they still practiced it as well. MY mother has always had a good sized candle collection, my older sister’s house looks like a fire hazard with all the candles, and my aunts and uncles always have at least eight white candles in their home at all times, even I’m starting up my collection of candles again (they didn’t make it when my house caught fire last year).But whether or not burning candles hold any type of magic or not, they just boost the mood of anyone who can smell them. Just coming home and smelling a nice lilac or lavander candle just helps get rid of some of the stress throughout the day.

Where my grandparents came from people could practice both Catholicism and Santa Ria/any variation of Santa Ria. The Catholicism that I was raised with was a mix between that Catholicism and the American Catholicism, but my mother pushed my siblings and I towards the American Catholicism.

I remember my grandma telling me about how she used to go to bed listening to drums being played during various parties/celebrations coming from the palm tree forest near the farm she lived on. And my grandfather telling me how once a year him and a large mass of people would gather at one spot and be blessed by a babalawo. And the most prominent memory is of my great-grandmother, a “white witch”. Every time I saw her she would always talk about two things:
1. About how the diet that all women in the family should go on is the popcorn and tea diet. “Eat nothing but popcorn and drink nothing but tea.”

And the one that she would talk about the most,
2. White magic

At first she would tell all of her great-granddaughters about white magic, but then everyone was rescued and could go play, except for me…
My great-grandma would tell me the difference between white magic and black magic. To her people who practiced white magic were the epitome of good. They used spirits and white magic to help others, never using their power to benefits themselves. She would tell me how white witches were the protectors and guardians of the innocent and people who were plagued by curses and hexes.
To her, people who practiced black magic were soulless evil beings who used their powers solely for personal gain and would use spirits and magic do anything they wanted, even kill other people. She always said that if you ever encountered a “black witch” you should hide your face, run and go get yourself blessed. I later found out that her opinion was the same as all of my family’s opinion (at least the people who believe in magic and spirits)
My great-grandmother would always say that someone was giving her “the evil eye” (mal de ojo as she said it) whenever she would fall ill. It was almost like a routine; she would fall ill, she would be on her deathbed and she would tell everyone that she was ill because someone was giving her the evil eye and then she would get better and live for at least 5 more years.
Even on the day she died she still wore her “evil eye repellent” charms. A fist (or other body part) made of black coral with a red bead at the top where the gold chain connects with the charm. She had two fists and a head. Other family members had fists and feet.

So then, why I am hesitant about joining the religion that just screams to me? (I’ll just abbreviate it as PM)

My grandfather still practices his religion that he was raised with. He used to have a gold platted alter with a statue of the Virgin Mary and Saint Lazareth(he even sent Saint Lazareth to a specialty store to get his crutches platted with gold). On certain days of the year he would put a bowl of river water in front of the Virgin Mary and place a white flower in the bowl. He would constantly place unsmoked cigars on the alter, as well as various foods and occasionally sweets.
From what I know of he stopped doing that for a little while and for a few years he has started doing it all again. I remember the last Christmas that I visited my family, my grandfather made my uncles go with him to fill two giant jugs with fresh river water.
So, given what my family’s (who believes in these things) opinion is on anything that they consider to be “evil” or “bad”, I am hesitant to join PM because I am already disowned from a lot of my family.
The Reason: Because I chose to move away from them and live a more “Americanized” lifestyle.
So I know that if I were to join PM, my grandpa and remaining family from his generation, would see me as being a “soulless evil being” and the rest of my family would see me as being insane/crazy for joining a religion that is not ‘normal’ in American society.

In truth, PM is not actually evil. In order to do it correctly the practitioner needs to know how to balance the good and the bad. Do they work with spirits? Yes. Do some practitioners have the potential and ability to do evil? Of course. Do they have the potential and ability to do good? Definitely!
Practitioners of PM can do both bad and good.

And I’m a bit hesitant because of what I’d call a commitment issue. I’m doubtful of myself to be able to stick with something for life. I’d like to, but I just don’t think I’d be able to make a commitment and stick with it. What if I find out that it’s not for me? What if something changes and I realize that I’ve made a mistake? What if I don’t think it’s worth all of the sacrifice?