Civ VI Valentine's Day Leader Guide: We Go In On Bangability

With the advent of the latest Civilization VI expansion Rise and Fall, there are now 36 leaders to choose from in the game. Each leader has their own unique abilities that help you achieve your chosen victory based on that leader’s historical strengths. But we’re not talking about any of that in this special Valentine’s Day guide to the leaders of Civilization VI . You want that info, go find a Wiki. Instead, we are solely and exclusively discussing how bangable these leaders are. Happy Valentine’s Day!

A note before we begin: I’m not discussing all 36 leaders. I have other articles to write today. This bangability guide has nothing to do with these leaders’ historical looks and personalities. We are solely and exclusively discussing how bangable these Civ VI leaders are within the context of Civilization VI. Capisce? Fantastic.

Gilgamesh of Sumeria

Gilgamesh of Sumeria. Photo: (c) Firaxis/2K Games

Gilgamesh is the hottie of the gods. If you want beefcake, baby, you’ve got it. His muscular, well-proportioned bicep can barely be contained by the strained efforts of that golden arm bangle. His outfit leaves little to the imagination, exposing a raw sweep of chiseled torso that ought to give you Culture and Tourism points. His beefy pectoral muscle, adorned with a godly nipple, swells above his lovingly defined abs.

His face is good too: that hirsute beard is voluminous and well-groomed, an indication of a fertile, clean man who is probably anointed in the most divine oils available to a mythical leader of an ancient civilization. The mustache flows into the beard in an aesthetically pleasing fashion many a hipster in Brooklyn still struggles desperately to achieve. The curls in that beard are as well-defined as the vein running down that gigantic arm of his. His hooded eyes glare out beneath perfectly symmetrical brows, while his generous nose is well-proportioned to handle the magnificence of his facial hair. He’s even got defined cheekbones, heyo!

I’m not the only person who gets all lusty in the drawers when Gilgamesh starts whispering in sweet Sumerian to me. I mean, check out this mod:

Highly bangable.

Gorgo of Sparta

Gorgo of Sparta. Photo: (c) Firaxis/2K Games

I love a woman that can kill you, and Gorgo is that woman. Look at those wiry arms: they’re lean but still twined with enough muscle to choke you out, if that’s what you’re into. She’s got a trim, athletic figure and could absolutely keep up with any shenanigans you wanted, provided they were glorious enough for her Spartan pride.

Gorgo’s got a face like a hatchet, which I love: cheekbones sharp enough to whet an axe, a long nose all the better to look down on you from, and a jaw even Zac Efron might covet. Capping off the whole confection are a pair of intelligent hazel eyes that have mastered the art of condescending looks whenever you give up something in a peace deal. Every flex of her expressive eyebrows betrays how little she thinks of you.

Very bangable… especially if you’re into feeling a little like shit, but in like, a sexy way. Listen, this is a safe space. No judgment.

Hojo Tokimune of Japan

Hojo Tokimune of Japan. Photo: (c) Firaxis/2K Games

Hojo’s got more of an intellectual vibe than Gorgo or Gilgamesh, but he’s still got that ascetic warrior feel to him, too. Unfortunately, you can’t really get a good look at his body under all those layers of padded and armored clothes, but he certainly carries around those two swords on his narrow hips like he means it. Simply being able to unsheathe one with a flourish requires a certain degree of arm strength. Under all the padding, Hojo’s got to be muscular in that lean swimmer kind of way. He’s also got giant hands, great for gripping a katana or… you know… other things.

But I actually like Hojo’s face best: it’s long and narrow and intelligent. I’ve got a thing for cheekbones, and Hojo definitely fulfills that need. He’s also got the thick, drawn brows of a true warlord, but the wise eyes of a monk. Everything he says sounds like poetry.

Bangable and dateable, honestly.

Poundmaker of the Cree

Poundmaker of the Cree. Photo: (c) Firaxis/2K Games

Poundmaker doesn’t seem like a muscular guy. He’s got no signifiers of violence beside him— nary a sword, club or rifle to be seen—but he looks really smart and really friendly. His cheekbones are as glorious as cliffsides, and he exudes an effortless sense of calm control that’s very appealing. I get the feeling that if things went south, Poundmaker could handle it with grace and good humor, and that’s an attractive quality in a mate. He’s got an older face, his eyes marked with crow’s feet, but it’s kinda sexy. Here’s a man who’s lived, loved and laughed and wears it all on his face. If you look up close, he’s got green eyes, which is hot.

I also dig the long, luscious locs that fall to his waist with carefree elegance. Just picture playing with all that hair after a fun night of passion and romance on Valentine’s Day…

We are not making stupid jokes about his name, though. It actually means something and a quick look at his Civilopedia entry will explain what. Here’s another for bangable and dateable.

I will now reserve some extremely quick words for those who absolutely do not make the cut.

Montezuma of the Aztecs: Always hopping around like a cricket. People who are good in the sack have confidence and don’t need to put on bizarre performances.

Peter of Russia: That mustache, dude! Ol’ Captain Hook-lookin’ ass.

Wilhelmina of the Dutch: She looks like a sweet old grandma. I’d love to have tea with her. I’d eat her Valentine’s Day scones if she baked some. Bang, though… ehhh….

Alexander of Macedonia: Douchebag.

Cleopatra of Egypt: Will definitely blow up your phone and talk shit about you to all your friends after a night more forgettable than either of you would like to admit.

Jadwiga of Poland: She looks exactly like that chick from college that’s always third from the center in all her Facebook pics.

Catherine de Medici of France: She doesn’t even have a proper chin.

Everyone else is admitted to the meat market on a case-by-case basis. For example, Harald Hardrada of Norway must remove the helmet and shower first.

What are your top picks for Civlization VI’ s most bangable leaders? Feel free to let us know in the comments section below.