Sunday, February 8, 2015

What Makes a "Good Loser"?

February 8, 2015

Dear Friends,

Pendle Hill, the Quaker study center, published a paper by
John Yungblut entitled “Hallowing Dimishments.” A friend sent me a copy thinking I would be
interested in Yungblut’s idea. I am, and I think that you will be as well.

I don’t imagine that you will like either the idea or the experience
of diminishment, as such, and I do
not intend to attempt to persuade you (or myself) to change this negative view of the process. Diminishment
entails loss—complex loss at many levels—and is rarely the cause of celebration.
The response to diminishment is more often grief—a gray creeping grief of
resignation about the inevitable dark side of life and the reality of aging.

Yungblut thinks, however, that diminishment, although remaining
what it is [loss], provides a potential context for a
unique stage of growth, spiritually, emotionally, cognitively. Yungblut argues,
in effect, that the inevitable process of losing (diminishment) can become a door
into valuable gain. This is an application, of course, of the idea Jesus taught
when he said that losing life was an act by which life could be gained.

The belief system fostered by our culture fiercely rejects
this idea, and, unless we are careful, will confuse and mislead us into setting some unwise
life goals. From the cultural view, more,
without exception, is better—more strength, more ability, more stuff, more
beauty, more influence, and more power—more.More—without
exception—always more.

Of course, this point of view denies reality, and at its
core forms a system of wishful thinking. In unavoidable reality, life—and work,
and love itself—is a process of both
gain and loss, of both having andgoing without, of both achieving and
failing, of both flourishing and fading away, an experience of
increase and decrease that lies beyond our control. We have choices, of course, that
influence the increase and the decrease, but opting out of the process itself
is not an option on life's menu.

The content of Yungblut’s paper (and the book of
Ecclesiastes, as well) pivots around the challenge with which reality
confronts us: we are born and we die, we laugh and we cry, we hate and we love, we build and we tear down. We must learn to live into and through this yin/yang process.

The culture, of course, recommends that we deny and
disguise what we don’t like—cover the wrinkles with cosmetics, color the gray
hair—buy more stuff even when there is less in the bank account—take performance-enhancing
drugs when energy and strength grow less (being careful, of course, not to get
caught officially while doing so.)

None of us are immune to occasional temptation to try this
denial approach to the diminishment issue. But most of us know that it is not that simple. When
we are polishing our glasses, replacing the batteries in our hearing aids,
paying (reluctantly) for a new crown on a broken tooth, we are not practicing
denial—we are celebrating the capacity and the means to compensate for loss, and
celebrate the technology that makes this way of managing loss possible.

Compensation is not
a synonym for denial. In fact, the first step in compensating for loss requires
that loss (deficit) be acknowledged, no matter the cost to pride. For example, recently
the technology to aid the hearing impaired has been made remarkably more
effective. However, this technology has little value for those who continue to
insist that there is nothing wrong with their hearing—they DO NOT have a
hearing loss. The problem stems from people’s failure to speak clearly—or loudly—enough.

However, most of you, along with me, have a different
question: how do we “hallow” the diminishments? How do we live through the
losses and the diminishments of life in a manner that permits us to grow in grace
and wisdom?

Is it possible to live into life’s inevitable emptying process in
such a way that the resulting space becomes “hallowed”, i.e., set apart for special
use? Is it possible that as the empty spaces grow that gain occurs simultaneously with the loss? If we do not have control of the emptying process, can we influence the
consequence of diminishment?

Yungblut (and many others as well) believe that it is not
only possible to do this, but that the responsibility to “hallow our diminishments”
is one of the privileges and gifts of aging.

What do you think?

What have you already learned about managing life’s lessening
processes and the losses that result?

As a child, I was taught a value system that included the
rule: Be a good loser.

In this week’s blog (and—brace yourselves!!—perhaps in some following blogs as well) I want to think about “hallowing diminishments." Using my old childhood rule as the theme, I want to think with you how we can deal positively with the diminishment process--in other words, how we can learn to be good losers.

I do hope you are brave or patient enough—or both!—to think
with me weekly.

Perhaps you will be motivated to work a bit on your own life plan.

If your present life logo reads: Win.
Never lose. Get more,I hope
these blogs will help you review it. Frankly, I think that program leads to a bad end. Considering
a different one may well be worth your time.