(05 July 2018 - 10:07 AM)
So this has been a while! It's @jgjtan and @leftyy here having a nostalgia trip. We hope you all have been having a great time so far! Miss you, be back in another 5-10 years. (Or find me on social media -- it's not that hard.)

I've pretty much been in anti-social mode for a while now. I have no idea why... well, I do, but at the same time I'm aware that I can kick myself out of this state, but for some reason I'm content as far as to say I'm functional.

So I haven't seen my friends in a while now. Like, I have my weekly catchups with some people, such as Mondays with Courtney, bingo on Wednesdays, the every-now-and-then drink on a Friday with some mates, and then Sunday lunches with Hannah. But other than scheduled times, I've not seen anyone in ages unless it's the random bump into on the street, at uni, or at work. Essentially, my social life is stuck at work and the times I have organized for during the week. There's just so much going on in my life with uni that as soon as I'm done all my work, I just want to do nothing because the time to relax is just very rare. I mean, I'm also essentially working full-time, and the only day I have off during the week after uni and work is a Sunday, and that's spent doing assignments at night.

I was meant to be dating this guy I met a wee bit ago, but that fell through due to my anti-social state and untimely sickness and sudden stressful workload. I still haven't said anything to him, and I left my corkscrew at his place so that's real annoying. I mean, I just don't have time for dating at the mo - only the occasional booty call, and even then that's not happening as much due to all the work I've got going on.

I mean, I just lost the drive to pursue anything with this guy, and I came pretty close to it. It's been happening a lot with guys I've been seeing this past year, and I couldn't really put my finger on it...

... until I found out that Jem, my ex, was leaving the country.

Suddenly, everything in my mind clicked into place. I'd never delved into a serious relationship after him. I mean, I tried, and managed to succeed for like a month and a half, before I decided to just not talk to the guy and avoid him (and it's only somewhat awkward now because I see him all the time at the bar I go to bingo for, but luckily he doesn't come and play). And then I tried a few more, but they of course just ended with me being bored and not attached and distant. I never really understood why it was always like this.

Actually, I'm not really getting my thoughts in order. I guess it's because I don't know how to organize all of this because there's so much. Maybe I'll start with the most recent events when he left.

So about a month ago I pretty much had a mental breakdown. I got real sick to the point that I couldn't physically sleep at all. Like, I tried everything I knew to sleep, but I was just so exhausted and couldn't sleep at all. It was a combination of both mental and physical stress which made my body pretty much shut down... but instead of actually passing out from being overwhelmed, my body went into overdrive (as it does) and kept me awake 24/7 and caused me to get a little sick. So I ended up calling in sick to work on the Monday (after not having slept at all since I woke up on Saturday morning for work). Problem was, me calling in sick caused me to go into a state of shock (I won't go into details as to why, seeing as this is the internet and I wouldn't be surprised if I got fired or something for negative comments about work because that's how the world works) and I had a full-on mental breakdown. Not the fun kind, but basically the one induced after you've been completely overwhelmed, haven't had any sleep, and get emotionally-abused.

I ended up passing out from exhaustion around midday, and woke up just over 2 hours later still not feeling any better. I still couldn't sleep after that, and that night had to skip out on my dinner date, and then only got managed to fall asleep at around 8am when my flatmates had to go to work, before waking up at 11am to get ready for class. That night I got probably around 4 hours of sleep, but was absolutely shattered for work the next morning (and didn't end up going out to bingo... that's how sick I was!). My body was just not impressed with me at all, and I had no clue as to why it was like this. I mean, I was having my own personal issues, because I didn't want to date this guy I was seeing, but I liked him at the same time, but nothing was making any sense. I was aware of all of this, but I didn't realize how much it was actually affecting me, coupled with my uni workload as well as my job.

That is, until the Friday when I realized that Jem was leaving the country at the end of the following week, because he'd gotten a job in Sydney where his boyfriend lives in a management position at a hotel. He'd announced it the month before, but I didn't really think much of it. Well, actually that's a lie. I was extremely proud of him, but at the same time I felt upset and I didn't know why, but just shrugged it off afterwards. So when it came to the week of his departure, just after my mental breakdown (and still mental instability), it all hit me pretty hard. I knew I had to say something, but I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how he'd take it. Finally, on the Thursday night, I worked up the courage to talk to him. I couldn't message him on the Wednesday because he'd think that it was just me being drunk after bingo (I didn't go, but he didn't know that), and I was too insane prior to that to actually talk to anyone. So I messaged him on Facebook wishing him all the best, saying how proud I was of him, but kept it quite polite and short, not too personal but with just a hint of emotion...

What I received back was a wall of text, full of emotion and the man I used to date. He told me how excited he was about the prospect of a new job, moving to an actual city with real things, and just a whole lot of happy and exciting things. He added in an apology for being angry with me for a while, due to the fact that I'd meant so much to him back then, but now he's back to his old, happy and excited self, and that he wasn't dwelling on the past anymore. After I read that, my god I'll tell you, the biggest weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Like, there was just so much relief that I felt content.

That's when I realized that all my relationship problems and mental stress had been subtly influenced by the emotional attachment I still had for my ex-boyfriend.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I've moved on... well, have I? When I read that he was okay now, I pretty much nearly cried with happiness. My response back was pretty much full of emotional ecstasy because everything was okay, and I'd missed talking to him - a complete contrast to my first, distant-yet-polite message. I mean, I'd freaking shared my life with him. Seriously, dating someone for essentially a year and a half (it was officially a year, but the half-year after that of 'rebound'-ness has to be included) is like doubled in comparison to hetero-relations, because let's face it, gay relationships don't seem to last that long and are a very rare sight.

I'd pretty much had all this emotive destruction built up inside of me, which had caused me to not be able to get close to anyone else. My fear of getting into a relationship with another person was due to several factors. The first being that no one would compare to Jem. I mean, sure it takes ages to fully get to know someone, but because of all the experiences that we'd shared together, I'd always compare the whole timeline of my relationship with Jem with the other guy, and of course the former would always win. Secondly, I didn't want to get close because I didn't want to get emotionally hurt again, and go through what I had in the past, but also because I didn't want to hurt the other person (which I'd inevitably do because I'd just ignore them until they went away). Thirdly, because I didn't want to get attached to someone unless I knew it would be for real, and that the relationship would last. Lastly, because if I dated a guy, they had to have future aspirations, know what they wanted, but at the same time I could have my own freedom. All these requirements and factors pretty much caused me to experiment, but end up growing bored. It's really, really complicated for some reason...

I mean, they have to have future aspirations which click with me, they have to have a good personality, they don't have to necessarily be good-looking, but I can't be embarrassed to be seen with them, and they have to keep my attention. But at the same time, I want to be able to have my freedom to do whatever I want, and a relationship kind of entails a restriction. I mean, I'd definitely be strictly devoted to that one person if anything happened, but because of my past experiences with Jem, the thought scares me now of becoming an old married couple when I'm still very young. People say you can make a relationship what you want it to be, but I want it to be an adult relationship at the same time as a youthful one with the freedom of independence. And because of that, I'm failing at relationships right now.

For me, life with Jem was perfect... we had everything, but for some reason it all just fell apart. It broke apart because of many small factors, and it wasn't just from one side - it was a combination of all our faults. Looking back on the past, I was an idiot to not try and reconcile our relationship, only because I was scared of what people would think of me. I've grown up from my selfish, self-centered social mentality. I only stopped seeing him after we'd broken up because I was scared over what people would say and think of me getting back together with my ex-boyfriend...

I've always thought that we'd get back together again in the future if we were both single, because we'd have grown up even more and experienced a lot of things in our life apart from each other, that a spark would come back and we'd be together again... I mean, I still love him, but only as a friend now. Ifs and dreams of the future in a fantastical sort of way are completely different to current emotions. But I could just as easily get back into a life with him, and things would be a lot different because we've grown up even more...

But all these thoughts, post-breakdown, have made me realize that I don't want a relationship out of anyone anymore. Not for now, anyway. Well, there's one guy I'd be quite happy to be lovey-dovey with, but that's another story and it is very, very unlikely to happen, hence why it is more a dream than reality. I want my own freedom. I want to be able to do my own thing. After me and Jem broke up, I got to explore who I was without anyone else there, and I held no feelings for him that time period afterwards, but I think now I'm having the whole post-breakup emotional breakdown, and it's only been what... over a year and a half since our official break up? I was a mess for a week, and maybe a few after that, but otherwise I was perfectly okay, and yet now I'm suddenly like this...

I need my freedom. I need my space. I need things to be on my own terms. I guess I just need to be able to have control over my life, my choices, and my emotions. I'm still young, and I still have a lot to experience. For Jem to have moved overseas was a dream come true for him. I'm absolutely proud of what he's accomplished, and I could never be happier for him. I might only be slightly crying as I write this, but he's the man who has made me who I am now - the experiences I shared with him made me better as a person, as I've learned from all these experiences, and I've still yet much more to learn and understand.

His departure was a wake up call for me, and once I've finished university, I'm going to shape up my life. I want to travel, I want to enjoy my life, and I want to be happy. I plan on finding a new job in order to broaden my experiences, and I plan on living life to the full. The funny thing is, you wouldn't have heard that from my mouth several years ago.

So... here's to you, Jem. Whilst you may have unintentionally caused me a mental breakdown (I hate you so much), you have changed my perspective on life so much. The experiences we shared I will never, ever forget. You are one of the happiest, kindest, funniest, most beautiful people I know. Actually, you probably are the only one I know who fits all those categories. You are on your journey to a brighter future with massive opportunities ahead of you, and nothing will stop you, nor get in your way of world domination. Your smile lights up a room, and so does your hair (I know you hate it, but I will always throw in a joke at your expense). Please, don't dye it. It is an amazing colour and you should be proud of it. You have a strong will and a solid determination. You are the epitome of a handsome man.

He is one of the most dysfunctional people I have ever met in my life, but I honestly have no idea what I'm going to be like as soon as he leaves.

So Joe is catching the bus back up north this weekend before he heads across the ditch to set up residence in Australia. I've known for ages, but I never realized how hard it'd be to let him go until just recently... I mean, this is pretty much a similar situation to when Nick left for Thailand a few years back, and it's happening all over again with a friend who's so close to me it's absolutely ridiculously painful. The only plus side is that he changed his plans up a bit so he'll be back down in Wellington for a week before he flies out for good.

I mean, I wasn't going to blog about all this. I really wasn't. Like, today I was considering it but then thought against it and said the moment would pass, but then so many things happened that I really couldn't help it. Hopefully this entry is going to help me release all this bloody tension and just let me relax for one moment.

So we'd made plans to hang out yesterday (Wednesday) night and just catch up and stuff before he left (actually, I can't remember if we were going to do that tomorrow or Saturday as well...). I didn't realize how excited I was about the whole thing until the day when I started work, and I was in such a damn good mood it was insane. All the customers, reps, and my co-workers noticed as well, and they all said it was because of bingo. I mean, that's what I thought I was super excited about as well, and pretty much was going on about it, until I got a surprise visit from Joe at work in the middle of the day. He was on his way to meet a mate for lunch, but decided to pop in and hang out with me for a bit, and did so for a good solid half hour before he had to leave. I told him to haul his {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} to my work by 6pm so we could commence the drinking as soon as I finished. Everyone at work after he left started asking me questions, but of course I had to brush them aside.

But yeah, it then made me realize that I was more excited about the fact that I was going to hang out with Joe than actually go to bingo, since the plan was to just hang and drink at mine, and then when I left for bingo he'd leave for home. So he rocks up at my work at 5pm because he was bored and just wanted to hang out early, and so I got to chill with him for the last hour of my shift which was super fun. The crack up part was he arrived carrying a 12 pack of beer and a bottle of red wine. Well, it's more like looking after an annoying child, as Abby put it bluntly. And again, that's why I keep telling everyone I have to look after him otherwise he'll just cause mischief. And he did. I had to hide the lolly basket from him and keep telling him off every few minutes.

As soon as the clock hit 6pm, I was pretty much racing upstairs to get all my stuff and change and we were out the door so fast. 2 bottles of wine (his red that he wanted me to try, since he loved it and said I definitely had to have some, and my white which I'd saved to drink with him as a leaving present and was expensive and delicious), and 8 bottles of beer later, we were heading to S&M's to go play some bingo and drink a hell of a lot more alcohol. I was absolutely shocked. I knew I'd easily be able to convince him to come for a drink at the bar, but he willingly said that he was going to come play bingo with me. What the hell. He HATES bingo!

We got so many comments that night as well it was ridiculous. At one point, when we were leaving (Joe was forcing me to leave early in order to save himself from succumbing to his natural dirty habits of hitting on people), we bumped into some random who started talking to us and then said we were a cute couple. We then just looked at each other blankly, and I was like we're not together. She then said I was joking, and then said that we were really cute together, and again we just looked at each other blankly. No matter how much we denied it, apparently we looked good together? It was so very, very odd.

When we got home via finding some food, we pretty much just passed out and went to sleep. The morning consisted of us hating the world, but we were surprisingly okay but that was because we noted that we didn't partake in any shots last night. We just lay in bed for ages not wanting to get up, and he ended up just ditching his friend whom he was going to meet for brunch, and we just hung out for the whole morning, and our breakfast consisted of finishing those last beers... ugh. I then had to leave for uni, and so we walked through town and parted halfway as he had errands to run for the rest of the day.

After spending the day at uni and then a quick pop by through work, I got home to a reminder that Joe had been there; clothes strewn everywhere, broken chips on the floor, and a dozen empty beer bottles and two empty wine bottles just scattered all throughout my room. My music playlist for this afternoon consisted of music he'd been playing to me all morning, and every so often random things would just remind me of him. The worst was one song, "Lights" by Ellie Goulding, which I've currently had on repeat for the past few hours in between episodes of Archer and for the duration of this blog entry. Just the accent of her voice, the way in which she pronounces her words, and the overall style of music just immediately made me think of Joe, and it took so much effort for me to not cry when the realization hit me. So for the whole night, I've been trying to keep myself occupied and not think of the fact that one of the closest people in my life at the moment is leaving me.

I mean, his personality is unique. He's immature, strong-willed, arrogant, rude, blunt, funny, kind, hot-tempered, and insane. While he can drive so many people up the wall, for some reason it doesn't phase me at all. I have all the patience in the world for him.

Last week he ended up staying at mine again after a night of bingo (which he didn't partake in, of course). We were just drinking and hanging out, and ended up leaving early because it was a pretty dead night. It was funny, because I'd cooked dinner before I went out and was thinking while preparing dinner "hmm... I'd better make extra, because I wouldn't be surprised if Joe ends up crashing at mine tonight". So after meeting Joe at the bar, and we're drinking and chilling, I find out that he hasn't eaten dinner at all because he was meant to be going out to meet a mate for dinner, but ended up staying out to just chill with me and some others. When it's time to leave, he's like to me "you know I'm crashing at yours, right?" and I was like "I know, I've got dinner ready for you when we get home". Of course I wake up in the morning with another bite on my right shoulder, next to the one from the prior week which was still healing, but again that was another thing I had expected to happen.

So tonight, as I switched my music and my computer off and hopped into bed, I thought I'd sleep early at midnight since I have work at 7am in the morning... as soon as I hopped into bed and rolled over, I could just smell Joe. Whenever he stays over, he sleeps on the left side and I take up the right. When I'm by myself, I usually sleep towards the right anyway, since I like having the wall close by. So when I rolled over after starting on the right, my brain just went into overdrive.

It made me realize that Joe has been the most consistent social interaction I've had with the same person outside of a work situation (excluding my flatmates, whom I work with as well) in such a long time. As soon as he leaves, I'm not going to have anyone to share my bed with for a very long time. No one to just randomly have over to drink all night. I mean, I know a lot of my mates would be keen for that, but their attitude towards money and alcohol is a lot different than that of mine and Joe's. We're the kinda people who don't care about money because friendship is priceless, and all the personal stuff that we've experienced in life has toughened us up quite a bit. Not saying that I'm reckless, but we both just do whatever we feel like because we're aware of the consequences that our actions bring, but just accept them and do whatever we want. We only live once...

So within 15mins of having put myself to bed, I just got up and turned my computer back on and came straight here to clear my head.

When he leaves, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm pretty much going to have a breakdown akin to that of the one I had when Nick left. I just don't like change, and I hate it when people close to me leave. I'm sure the days will be fine, but it's just going to be tough getting through the nights for a while... especially next Wednesday. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up just sitting at the bar by myself when bingo finishes, slowly drinking away my sorrows while I cry over the fact that I'm all alone. I mean, I know I've got a whole bunch of friends who would come hang out, but no one would just come out on a whim and stay out all night, despite living out in the suburbs.

I just need to find someone who lives in town and would want to hang out with me at night, either to have a few drinks with, or to just hang out and talk, or go out for random walks or something. I dunno. This past month with Joe has made me realize and remember just how dependent a person I am on others. I mean, I'm quite an individualistic person, but I really need people around me in order to survive. Social interaction is what keeps me alive. I have never felt so alive in such a long time. Before Joe, my life had gotten back into a routine. Home was spent playing video games and hanging out with my mates online, and don't get me wrong but that's pretty awesome. It's just that Joe pretty much turned everything in my life upside down, and made me remember just how much I miss having someone close to me. Currently my appetite for gaming has dried up significantly (minus GW2... that's going to be amazing) and home is just boring.

I'm afraid to go back to my bed, because it's empty and smells of him, but I don't want to change my sheets because I don't want to let go of him so soon. I absolutely hate this feeling, but Joe has made such a lasting impact on my life in such a short amount of time that it's driving me insane and it pains me for him to leave.

I'm probably going to cry when I go back to bed, because I'm currently trying to not tear up while sitting in front of my computer just thinking about everything. Wish me luck.

Inconsistently, I resort to blogging. My life is too ridiculous to be able to recount the past few months in just one entry. Honestly, I need to keep up this blogging in order to remind myself of all the insanity in which my life is filled with.

So the person from the last entry was a flop, and not in a pleasant way. Yeah, yet another point for my terrible track record of attempted-boyfriends in the past forever haha. Ain't nothing bad with it, but it's just quite amusing to see how much of a slut I can be. But luckily someone else has currently taken over the title for me! And so yet again, another blog entry of mine will be about a boy, only this time it won't involve (too much) feelings of attraction.

About... hmm... two months ago? Maybe it was two months ago, but I was casually out at bingo as per usual on a Wednesday night, when I met a guy at the bar. Now, what had happened was that he was coming to meet some of his mates whom were coming to play bingo, and they'd sat down and joined me and Tania because there were seats free opposite us (Courtney and stuff had left a bit earlier). So these girls were together, and Joe (for that is his name) was a little uneasy because he'd had to traverse through the upstairs beforehand and was worried because he'd never been in a gay bar before. We were all like oh you'll be fine don't worry just avoid being too awkward and just chill and it was all good.

So once bingo finishes, we head upstairs so I can finish my drink, but Tania had to go (as she does, since she's sane enough to not stay out all night as I tend to do every Wednesday). One of the girls ends up shouting me a drink, since her partner had won the last round of bingo and so we were all hanging out, chatting, and getting to know each other. So me and Joe end up just sitting at the bar and getting to know each other, and he found it nice that he could just chat with me like anything else and not be awkward (no homo, like, just not be a socially awkward person as quite a few poeple can be). So we talked about a whole heap of things, like about the bar itself (since I know the owners quite well), my life and interests (work, uni, teaching, and partying), his life (work, study, humanitarian aid, church, and partying), and just everything in general.

He goes out for a quick smoko break, I just chill at the bar and chat with people, and then he gets back and apologizes and said he was just talking with someone who came up to him out of nowhere. I then spot said guy, and note he was staring at Joe in the whole I-like-how-you-look kinda way, and I jest to him that the guy is interested in him. He's taken aback, and his friends crack up, and he's like "oh god really?", but then when his friends ain't paying attention he goes "no seriously, really?" and I swear it always happens, but next thing you know he's confessing his bisexuality and how I can't tell anyone (which I didn't of course). I mean, I really don't mind hearing this stuff at all since it needs to be said and someone needs to listen, but I just crack up because I swear it always happens to me.

Anyway, it ends up being that Joe goes off home with this guy at the end of the night, and before he goes he gets my number because he thought I was a cool dude and different from the rest of the people he's met, so that was a nice compliment. I text him the next day out of courtesy to say it was nice to meet him, and to hope that he had a good night (in a joking kinda way), but I got no reply.

The following week at bingo, Joe is there at the bar upon our arrival and there he shouts my name out and we do the whole man hug thing and have a quick chat. It was crack up because he was like "oh my god I was so drunk last week I am so sorry... also, I can't believe I remember you because I was so drunk!" and I was like "neither can I!" so we had a good laugh. I then forced him to come down to play bingo so we could catch up...

Turns out he didn't reply because he'd lost his phone the week before. In fact, he'd woken up the next day with no recollection of where he was, and woke up in only his jeans. Jeans. Like, not even any underwear. He then proceeded to ask me who the second person was that everyone said he'd been with. What? I was so confused. And then he told me how his friends had found out, because it turns out his smoko breaks after he'd had his conversation with me involved making out with the guy who was flirting with him... in front of his friends.

But y'know what took the cake?

"Oh so how was your week apart from that?" "Oh it wasn't too bad... I left my church." WHAT? So it turns out that after last week's events (which he'd never experienced before), he had the whole inner turmoil between his bisexuality and religious beliefs (not to mention the fact he was a youth leader and had an office in the church to do administrative things). And every week they have confession, and as a youth leader he is one of the first to speak. Oh dear. So he got up in church and said that he'd had sex with a man and liked it, then said he was bisexual, and just walked out the door. To cut a long story short, he ended up yelling down the phone at his church pastor when he called a few hours later to "help him through this problematic phase" and was subsequently kicked out of his church. What ensued after that was a week of drinking and going out with mates at the events which had just happened.

So of course, to keep him company with what he was going through (as it was all so sudden), I ended up staying out all night with him drinking and hanging out and just chatting and stuff. But yeah... he's a very special boy, that one, as I keep telling him. His life ends up just as eventful as mine. We became pretty good mates after all that, despite only having just met each other, but I think it's because of our similar personalities and because he reminds me of him a few years back in some regards.

Anyways, so up until this week, we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks because of everything happening around us and in our lives and whatnot. So on the Monday night (when I was really drunk after having had leaving drinks for Courtney before her little holiday), I Facebooked Joe because he hadn't been replying to my texts and I just assumed it was because he'd lost his phone again (the 3rd week we went out, he ended up losing his wallet and hoodie... he loses everything, that boy). The next day I got a message telling me that he'd run out of credit on his phone, and was using his mate's phone to text and told me we should catch up and that I should call him. So we talked for ages because we hadn't caught up in a while, and then I went out for Tania's birthday dinner and drinks.

When I got home, I resumed my calls with Joe and by this time, he was all alone because his friends had passed out (they'd been drinking for a while) and he was the only one awake, so I told him to haul his {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} over to mine so we could drink together, since I needed a drinking buddy and we hadn't properly seen each other in so long. Late at night, he ends up stumbling around to mine and we proceed to polish off nearly 3/4 of a bottle of vodka between us, on top of all the alcohol we'd consumed prior to this. It was fantastic because we got to catch up on everything which had happened in our lives, and I found out that he'd be moving to Australia next month (that {expletive run over by Cspace}) because he got a manager's job over in Melbourne. He wanted me to go with him, and I'd do it if I weren't studying and still had things to do in New Zealand, but I'll definitely go there after university (although he said he's only planning on being there for 2-3 years, but even then I've always wanted to move to Melbourne/Australia in the future).

Anyway, I end up waking up to Tania prodding me telling me that we've got work in half an hour, and I'm like where the hell am I? A quick look around takes me a while to register that I was on the couch... and then the vivid memories of the night before slowly make their way back into my head.

So we were just hanging out and drinking lots, and then all of a sudden we're just talking and then Joe slowly inches his head forward and kisses me. We ended up making out for a while after that, and then he wanted more... and then I suddenly had the urge to vomit. So I run out and end up being sick for quite a while (I don't know how long I was gone) but by the time I got back, he'd passed out on my bed. That was the last thing I remember, before waking up on the couch, and I really don't remember passing out on the couch at all. So I prod Joe awake, tell him I've got work and that there's a towel behind my door if he wants to shower, and for him to lock up when he leaves for work himself.

All through work I'm absolutely hungover and destroyed as anything, and when I finish I go home and have a shower... and then suddenly wonder why my forearm is stinging so much, and look down at it... turns out that Joe had decided to latch onto my arm for no reason with his teeth and left a decent enough mark. Wow. I didn't remember that at all. So when he gets back from his work, we're just hanging out (I'm panicking thinking everything'd be awkward between us, since I'd never thought about him in those kinda ways before and didn't know what to say), but nothing ends up getting mentioned. When we're outside on the balcony and I'm keeping him company while he has a smoke, I then remember about it and confront him about the mark and go "oh my god look what you did to me!", he then rounds on me and goes "bro, what did you do to me??" and tilts his head back so I can see his neck, which I hadn't noticed before... really deep bite marks. Neither of us remember anything, but we did remember earlier on that he found out that I liked to bite, and so we surmised that we must have bitten each other out of jest. Like, they weren't "dirty" bites, they were like normal I'm-actually-going-to-eat-you bites which you'd get from play-biting-without-the-sexual-connotations.

So we're tired as anything, and just hanging out for ages, and then he said that he had to go meet a friend later on way out in the suburbs. He then suggested that I join him for just one beer and a game of pool at the bar before he heads off, and I agreed since I'm always up to that kinda stuff.

The rest of the night later...

Jesus. I swear, I can't not go out without having to drink a lot or just party. So of course I get the whole "are you sleeping with Joe now?" question from the bar owners and bartenders, as they all gave us "the look" when we walked in, and I was like omg no and had to explain everything, since Matty the bartender knew that he'd crashed the night at mine, since he stayed at mine the night before because otherwise he'd have had to travel far to get home. It ends up that we stayed out for ages, and got pretty ridiculously drunk, and then I went home and said goodnight to everyone, and told Joe that I was off (since he'd found himself yet another target which I found amusing, since he ends up going home with someone every single time he goes to the bar) and he was surprised to hear I was leaving (we'd been joking about how I always say I'll look after him, and he ends up waking up with regrets and annoyance that I don't look out for him). I get home, cook some dinner drunk (kids, don't do this at home), sit down to eat...

And then there's a ring at the door. Joe ended up coming home and so I scooped him a bowl of pasta and we ate and just chilled out for ages and then went to sleep. He was so shocked because he had the opportunity to get with a guy, but turned him down and decided to return home to me instead. So of course he was wallowing in self-pity and made it his goal to make up for next week (which I cracked up at). Anyways, it was a good idea, because luckily we didn't wake up as sick as we did the night before, but both regretted it and blamed each other because we weren't meant to have such a hard night out. It was pretty fun though. The (not-so) crack up evidence of the previous night was the fact that Joe lifts up a jacket and goes to me "is this yours?" to which I reply "no..." and we discover that Joe had mistakenly taken someone else's jacket home ON TOP OF his own one. So we end up panicking and laughing out of panic, and then we go to work...

But it hurt to put my apron on. So I go to one of the girls at work, "hey, can you see if there's anything wrong with my shoulder", to which she inspects it when I open up my shirt and she screams out "OH MY GOD" and makes me panic, so she takes a photo... yet another set of bite marks, only this time it pretty much bruised so hard that it appeared I had been bleeding as a result of the wounds (for that is what I shall call them). Again, no recollection of what had happened, but it seems that Joe had decided to bite me even harder this time. So again, once work finished for the both of us and he came home, we both had no clue, and this time it was only me with the marks.

Actually, it was crack up. I had just gotten out of the shower when he rang on the door, so he comes in while I'm in the process of trying to locate a shirt, and he's like "Hey Jonny ho-- what the hell is that??" and I was like "YOU IS WHAT IT IS" and he was like "oh... *awkward laugh*"

So we ended up NOT going out last night thank god, but I had a birthday dinner to attend so I ended up going out while he got to enjoy going home and resting and not actually go out at all. {expletive run over by Cspace}. Although it was actually nice to catch up with him, and it was really nice to have a friend who would just go out on a whim with you and just drink as much as you would and enjoy the night...

The thing is, we're quite similar in a lot of senses. I dunno, it just seems like it. And its crack up, because his whole attitude reminds me of like my good as mate Nick, as in his non-chalant attitude towards everything in general, and how he can be a complete {expletive antidisestablishmentarianized by Cspace} sometimes (in the nicest respects, of course) but get away with it because of his charisma. Of course, we weren't able to avoid all the comments by everyone thinking that we were together, which had to vehemently deny constantly. I mean, if he weren't leaving to Australia and we both liked/expressed feelings for each other then I'd totally try and date him, but even then I don't think we'd be a good match. We do enjoy each other's company quite a bit though, which is rare in a lot of senses.

Omg. It was so bad as well. So on Thursday when I'm at work, I pop into the offices to quickly see Tania before I start work, and I mention Joe in passing (because I'd forgotten about the fact I'd cooked food the night before, I discovered leftovers in the morning which became lunch)... her immediate reaction to that was a sly smile, and she then asked "are you two dating now?" in a cutesy sorta way. I immediately said "no, we're friends, what makes you think that?" and she replies with "oh, well I've never seen you with the same person two nights in a row" and I was like "oh my god I'm not a slut!" but she honestly didn't mean it in that way (since I don't usually spend two nights or more in a row hanging out with the same people, let alone have someone stay over two nights in a row). The crack up thing was that if I didn't have the dinner, we'd have probably hung out last night as well... well, we did when he came to pick up his stuff, but I mean like going out/staying in and staying the night.

It kinda actually sucked last night. I really did miss his company which was quite strange. It was weird not having to share my bed and bedroom with someone else, but then again now I can attempt to clean my room from the remnants of our week together, which turned my room into even more of a bomb site. I ended up just drinking a bottle of wine by myself after going out for dinner/drinks and chatted with some of my online mates while I looked back over the past two nights. Pretty much wallowing in a Joe-shaped void of emptiness. But it's okay, he's going to be at S&M's (the bar we frequent and where I play bingo) next Wednesday, so if I don't see him before then (which is kinda strange, because I really do want to hang out with him before then in a non-sexual way) at least we'll see each other soon.

And that was my week with one of the craziest friends I'll ever have. I haven't felt like this since my first year of university.

I swear my life is filled with drama, as so many people like to point out, and so many people actually have throughout the past week.

It's not my fault! Pretty much it just seems like everything just sticks to me all at once and I just have no idea what to do with it all. Especially this Jack thing. At this point in time, I'm feeling like I'm at the okay-I've-had-my-fill-and-I'm-over-him-now stage like it always happens every single time we meet up. It's always a fleeting moment in time, but for that one small cameo in my life everything seems complete and fulfilled. I don't know. It's probably (well, it always seems to be) because he hasn't replied to anything I've said or sent him ever since we met up again. I mean, he accepted my Facebook friend request and that's it. No response whatsoever. So I'm pretty much in the dark, but I guess it could be down to the fact that he's naturally an anti-social person...

Ahh how history loves to repeat itself over and over again. Bloody hell. I could take a hammer to history if I had the ability to. But then again, everything happens for a reason. We learn from our experiences no matter how fantastic or frustrating they are, and it's up to us to take and understand what we need to from each event. In this case, I guess my hope always overrides every logical thought process going through my brain. I mean, yes he said he liked me but I don't know what he feels now, and I guess that is what is keeping me bound to him.

Well, bound within limits. There'll always be a spot for him in my thoughts, but I guess it's always an unexpected encounter which brings him back to the surface.

I find it oddly hilarious though. Every single time he pops up into my life, it's either before or after I'm interested in someone else. Like for example, my current situation...

Okay. Quick backtrack. It's quite amusing how a few years ago, or several years rather, I was an absolute prude. Well, I kind of still am in some senses, but I really ain't nowadays. I mean, it always came with maintaining an aura of control and proper decorum. There was no way in hell my old self would agree with what I currently am like now. Well actually, in some senses I was a lot more liberated back in the day with what I did, but now I guess what has changed is my experience of everything. Before I'd have been snarling at every single person who tried to hit on me (which I did quite a bit actually and I have no idea why) but nowadays... well... I'm somewhat different haha!

Well, I guess you could say we all have that time in our lives when we just have to let loose with everything. I mean, I grew up way too fast early in my childhood so I pretty much turned into a prudish adult by the time I was in my mid-teens. And then when I met Jem, I pretty much was bound into a long-term relationship without having properly been with anyone else beforehand. Post-Jem, I still stayed within my bubble for months and months... until something happened. I have no idea what, but suddenly everything just changed and I decided to go for it.

So you could say I started becoming a slight bit of a slut haha! And by slut in my terms, I mean hardly anything, but it was still more than I'd ever done. Trust me. I ain't like all them others who just sleep around every single night or like have a different person each time. I just thought I'd try something different...

The most hilarious part of this story, is that I'm not even halfway through my story and I just got a text from this guy that I met at bingo on Wednesday night who just invited me around to go and watch a movie. Wow. So I'm like not a slut, but this is making me sound like one. Seriously though, I can't do anything because I just had my wisdom teeth taken out on Thursday night so I've gotta keep my blood pressure at a normal rate otherwise I'll risk bursting my stitches and bleeding everywhere. So shame. I ain't being a slut. I'm just going to go and watch a movie with this boy.

Anyway. Back to the story since I'm on a clock now. Actually, there ain't much to say. I'm pretty sure that little interruption can help to fill in the gaps which I've left wide open to interpretation. Let's just say that it always seems to be bingo, and that me and Courtney always have our "turns" but for some reason I've had my turn twice in a row and she calls it unfair. It's not my fault! It just happened!

But I kinda like this guy. I got all girly and sh*t over him once he left in the morning, and even then he really didn't want to go. And then when I texted him just before, he replied back saying that he was literally about to text me but I'd beaten him to it. And now he's giving up on his assignment to keep me company while I'm all alone without friends whilst unable to do anything at all in my condition. I ain't even going to risk a drink! Well, maybe one. But even then it's cute because he wanted to talk to me! And then I got all giddy waiting for his replies back. The only problem is he's taking ages to reply back each time, but that could also be my own phone since it's really crap and I swear I don't receive half the messages I should be getting.

Sometimes I think I'm just a bit too gay and a bloody girl for my liking.

So yes, I'm off to go watch a movie with this boy now. It was crack up because when we were talking at the bar on Wednesday night, he suddenly threw in a Mean Girls quote and I quickly retorted with another, and then I had to tell him that Elly had just sent me a text message with another Mean Girls quote earlier that day. So for the rest of the night half our conversation was just sarcastic plastic. It was great.

Okay, I'd better go now. I'd have finished this write up properly, and with actual information, but I guess this blog entry is yet another fleeting moment in my life. Toodles!

Y'know, I said I was going to blog again aaaages ago back in October but that really never came into fruition. I don't know what stops me from doing so, but it's only these very rare instances in which I decide to impart my musings due to my lack of being able to discern the right path. Therefore, I'm hoping that writing this all down will help decide what I need to do.

It's always about a boy. I swear, I'm such an open person about my life with everybody (and I mean everybody I meet, no jokes) that there's very little room for me to have a private life. I guess this blog is a direct correlation to that factor. When I kept my life somewhat private during high school, I blogged nearly every single day. As soon as I became more open in person, that suddenly diminished. I mean, I've always been a very gregarious and outgoing person, but I'd also been a very withdrawn person at the same time. It had nothing to do with me having not openly come out yet, that which I'm certain, but there's quite a similar timeline which can't be denied.

I mean, I've always known about myself, and even in my earlier blogging I never denied any part of that, even when heaps of my high school mates would read this blog. It's more that I grew out of my shell even further (dear god help us all) and became even more open about my life. Life's funny like that. We abandon that which helps us through the tough times until we're suddenly back in that position again...

In blog we trust.

So, back to my problems. I swear my life is full of problems. ONE DAY I shall update this blog with my whole life's history. Maybe in a week or two after I get my wisdom teeth out and I won't be able to do anything at all. But yes, my life hasn't changed at all. There's a drama going on everyday and there's always a problem filled with action and emotion lurking around every corner. I'm not a drama queen. I just reckon everything seems to stick to me like araldite glue. And not the ultra clear as well, since you can always see my problems ever so slightly (for those who don't know, most glues and adhesives tend to dry a little yellow - oh the racist quips against myself I could throw in right now...).

ANYWAY. Stop sidetracking. I swear my brain keeps getting distracted by itself and other things. Which funnily enough reminds me, somewhat on topic, but I reckon (and so does Matty) that I might have some mild form of ADD or something, since I never can be still and my thought patterns always digress and I can't not be busy. I also tend to forget things. A lot. I dunno. A mild case.

But anyway. We come full circle to the source of all my problems: a boy. It's always a boy. This blog starts with a boy, this blog deals with boys, and this blog never can completely solve any issues about boys. Funnily enough, my favourite ice-cream is boysenberry. But yes, a boy... and not just any boy either. THE boy. The one who gave me grief (not in a bad way) throughout my whole first year of university. The one who haunted my thoughts towards the very, very end of my relationship with Jem, and who continued to do so well after the breakup. The boy whom I didn't talk to for a whole year afterwards and tried and failed to make contact so many times.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, he began to crop up everywhere as soon as I moved into town. Every single day I would catch a glimpse of him. He knew I saw him, and I knew that I saw him, but we both decided to ignore it. Mine for shame, his for god-knows-what, or so that's what I hope to believe over our encounters. But once per day I would see him and each time he would send my heart a-flutter.

Jack.

There's something about this boy which is toxic to me. I can't stop thinking about him, and wondering whether or not he is thinking about me. But maybe I should start from the beginning.

In my first year of university, I met this boy when our flat was in search for furniture at the local Sally's store. Jack and Ottilie were at the store hunting out the very same items and we all accompanied each other on our journey back home. From that point onwards, they were always hanging out at our flat or we would visit them. From the moment I met him I developed an ever-so-slight crush. He was the kind of person who didn't like a lot of people, or people in general for that matter. And yet, for some strange reason, he enjoyed hanging out with us, and he enjoyed the company of myself. Unfortunately, tragic events led him to put his distance between people and our fluttering relationship of nothing didn't last that long.

I didn't hear from him for weeks on end. Then, out of nowhere, he knocked on my apartment door. I was so surprised, but happy and relieved at the same time. We talked for so long, and when he said goodbye it seemed like everything was perfectly fine. For the next week or so, everything was as calm as anything, albeit a bit more tense in a relationship-kinda way. I couldn't help but feel drawn to him, and it seemed he felt the same. Then one day, like any other that week of heightened emotion, we were talking as per usual, when we suddenly got into a little tussle. I mean, our relationship's always been like that. We had out punches, we had our throws, but then we'd always have our hugs afterwards. That tussle led to him pinning me down, and him gazing into my eyes. I could feel his heartbeat, and I could feel the tension between us. He got up to leave, questioning what I wanted, but I pulled him back. Again, we fought, and for the second time again he pinned me down.

And then we kissed. Three times. My heart melted right there in his grip.

But then that all began to dissolve right afterwards when it was established that we couldn't have a relationship at the time. My heart broke, but I knew that I could do nothing at the time to fix what was broken. And so we parted, only talking in brief spurts to each other over the next few weeks before the connection severed. We both had busy lives, but even then there was a big gaping void where he should have been.

Knowing our luck, we were reuinted once again a few months afterwards, for just a brief amount of time. I met him in passing when we were on our way back home. Again, like a wound having healed itself, his embrace was all that mattered. We talked for only a short period of time, but it meant everything to me. In the morning, I sent him a text message of apology for my intoxicated state the night before, and I still recall the text message which he sent me.

From that point onwards, I never heard from him since. For the rest of the year I heard nothing at all, but I guess that seemed like a resolution to me. In the year after, I fell in love with a man called Jem, and he kept me alive for the next year and a bit. Yet there's always something about your first true love... and I don't throw the word love with as much emotion around willy-nilly. For he cropped back up in my life, in the last week of March 2011, when mine and Jem's relationship was already falling to pieces. A spark somewhere in me reignited, when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere at my work. What is it with encountering boys at my workplace? And then we'd continue to bump into each other on the street. I thought the flame had disappeared, but deep in my heart I knew it hadn't. It was the strangest week of my life. As per usual, I never saw him for a long period of time, and then all of a sudden he comes out of nowhere and keeps on appearing.

But this time, the last time I saw him was the 30th of March. It was the night of my friend's 20th birthday, and that was the last time we properly spoke to each other, and yet again I was drunk out of my mind. After me and Jem split up, I thought there might have been an opportunity, but I knew I'd left it too long. Besides, there was no way I wanted a rebound relationship to occur. That would not heal anything. So for the next year we never saw each other...

Until this year, when I moved into town. As soon as I did that, he appeared everywhere, but we never spoke. My heart would skip a beat whenever I caught a glimpse of him, and I would hide behind anyone and anything so he wouldn't see me, for the shame of him being aware of my presence.

And yet, as history tells us all, it was inevitable that we would again. Thanks to good ol' Facebook, I knew he would be attending the same party that I would be going to on the 30th of March... the 21st of the girl whose 20th we'd both celebrated the year before. How fitting, that exactly a year later we would strike up a conversation. And yet, for the whole week leading up to it I was dreading the very encounter. My workmates knew what I was having to face, and I kept on telling them to expect me with a black eye or something similar the next day.

He wasn't there. When I arrived at the party, he wasn't anywhere to be seen. My heart was crestfallen, but at least seeing all my friends and those whom I hadn't seen in years was enough to cheer me up, ever so slightly. The night raged on, and half a bottle of vodka later I was in my zone. And then the balloon-popping fiesta happened. Hayley immediately yanked me outside in order to sedate me and I stayed there for a while, just enjoying the fresh air of the outside. After some time, I turned to go inside...

And there he was. Jack freaking (insert last name here, because I've learnt from my past to not include full names in this blog apart from my own), sitting on the steps outside the front door. He immediately called out my name, not with malice or hate, but with warmth. I was so confused. We hugged... and the warmth just engulfed me. The confusion was there, but his arms kept everything right. After our quick reunion, we sat next to each other and caught up... and apologized. Not just myself, but he had his own apologies as well. It turns out we'd both misinterpreted each others' actions/inactions at our previous encounter and we both held our own about it.

As soon as those apologies were said aloud to the night, I felt like everything had suddenly come right. All the pieces came together and fixed themselves, like nothing had happened at all. We fought as per usual, and we held one another in our arms afterwards like nothing had changed. Sitting down with his arms wrapped around me felt like I'd come home. Home... everyone would make comments about how cute and perfect we looked, and we'd both laugh and shrug off their comments.

Jack had told me during our last encounter that he'd tried dating others, all girls, during our extended absence from each other, but that never worked out. It turns out that he hadn't stopped having feelings for me, and it turned out that I hadn't either. When we first met, I found out that he was bisexual, yet he preferred females nine times out of ten. And yet, me, that one part, managed to keep a hold over him. During our most recent encounter, I asked whether he'd found anyone again, with my heart racing ever so slightly.

No. Even after a year, he still hadn't found anyone. He told me that he hated people, and that he would never find anyone who would like him or be able to stand him. I asked him if he hated me. He looked me straight in the eye, smiled, produced a warm and soft laugh that only Jack can do, and said that he didn't hate me at all. I stared back at him, smiled, and then nestled back into his arms and chest. I had no words to say, for that's all I needed to hear. For the rest of the night, we playfought and held each other closely after each bout. He'd gotten considerably stronger. He also made a remark about my increase in strength, to which I replied that the only reason I'd gotten stronger was in order to be able to pin him down one day. He laughed, and then proceeded to throw me to the ground. Right afterwards, he picked me up and gave me a hug. And this continued for the rest of the night...

But then he had to leave. I implored him to stay, but he had work in the morning. We held each other even tighter, and hugged for so long... but Jack was never one for extended soppy moments, and I knew that. We both pulled away from each other, and in that cool-kinda Jack fashion, he turned around with a ciggarette in his hand and left to be swallowed up by the darkness.

I looked towards him, then turned back inside... but something was different. I knew that I didn't want a repeat of history, and I knew that I had grown up. We both had grown up, and we'd realized that after our long conversation throughout the evening. Some things, however, never change. I'd made up my mind. I immediately turned back around, ran after him (slipping over on the lawn mid-launch) and called out his name. He hadn't gotten far. It actually seemed like he'd stopped for a brief moment. I know those Jack strides. He was the one who taught me to make walking fast a normal pace. I asked him if I could walk with him into town, as we both lived just around the corner from each other. He agreed, and I ran back into the house to say my goodbyes and pick up the rest of my gear.

As soon as I got back to him, he put his arm around my waist and we walked all the way home like that. The only time he let go was when we went into the service station to buy stuff (he got a milkshake, I got some vege crisps). It was cute, because he said that we'd beat up whoever threw any gay slander at us, but alas we encountered none (which we both found surprising, but I guess times change). I had my own personal escort for the whole trip home. He didn't take the direct route either. Instead, he walked me the long way home, arm around my waist, and it felt like bliss. When we finally arrived at my doorstep, we said our goodbyes. We hugged for so long, and then parted with a kiss. The difference in last time, was that he said that he'd see me soon.

Ever since then, I haven't stopped thinking about him. The very next day, I was pretty much glowing despite having only had a conversation, playfight, and continual hugs with him. My workmates were astonished I didn't have a black eye, and everything was seen through honeymoon eyes for the rest of the day. And the next day. And the day after that.

Which brings me to today... I came to this blog not knowing what to do, when in reality I was coming here to affirm my answer in stone. I'm going to add him on Facebook, once again for the god knows how many times it's been, and if he doesn't accept then I'll be okay. I hope. But as they say, there's no finding out the answer without raising a question first. We're both busy people, but here's hoping that he feels like starting up a relationship this time, or at least that we can be friends.

Holy jesus, not gonna lie. It has been WAY too long. Well actually, it's more like I nearly completely forgot about this blog altogether. It wasn't until last weekend when we were celebrating the (alleged) 20th birthday of Elly that Hadleigh brought up my blog out of the blue at dinner (I actually can't remember why), and then Callum and South chimed in, and then next thing you know all I had going through my head was the need to blog. So for the past week... more like several days ago, I went and re-read this whole blog. And can I tell y'what?

My god I had the best high school years EVER. Also, jesus christ I was an emo kid.

It's actually like buried treasure when you stumble across something like this. I couldn't stop but keep on reading and commenting aloud to South about all the exciting times I had back in high school and all those memories I'd forgotten about, tucked away inside my own private time capsule. Honestly, this'll be something to show the kids and friends when I grow ancient. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've stopped referring to time as being a mid-life crisis now. And by ladies and gentlemen, I mean the crazy voices residing within my subconscious. And the OVER NINE THOUSAND (quite literally) views which this blog has accumulated since its last entry. Seriously guys, back when this blog was actually popular and I wanted to keep track of how many people from my school actually read this blog religiously, I created a notepad document containing a list of all the blog titles (so I wouldn't forget) as well as a view counter to compare and contrast and stuff...

The view count has doubled since the very last few entries. Seriously guys, nothing's been going on here and yet a whole bunch of people feel the need to traverse through the caverns of my mind-on-paper. I feel quite honoured and yet at the same time stalked. Usually I'm the one who stalks! NO. Stop stalking. Otherwise I'll attempt to stalk you back. Now where was I...

Oh! A quick update on my current situation. I'm still working at the good ol' Bunnings in town, and I'm still living in Wellington plodding away with my never-ending university degrees. For some reason, work trusts me with the maintanence and upkeep of the Paint and Lifestyles departments now, so I'm the guy who sells you paint and (quite ironically) outdoor furniture and plants and stuff. That was a lot of 'ands'. But yes, it's quite fun really. I'm loving work like no tomorrow... I actually spend more time at work than I do at uni, and I'm enrolled as a full-time student.

Workaholic? Yeah that's pretty much me. This year (as well as last year) I've done four papers per semester, and on top of that I work at least 24 hours per week on average. I just get bored easily when I'm not doing something... but then again, I never really go to uni apart from my music classes and tutorials, since they've got mandatory attendance in order to pass the course.

HIST235 (The Terrible Wonder of Modernity): B+/A- MUSC248 (Popular Music since the 1950s): A- MUSC344 (Approaches to the Study of Music): A- POLS238 (Power and Bureaucracy): B+

I'm gonna be taking two papers during summer school, which are Troy and the Trojan War, and War and Propaganda in the Twentieth Century, alongside working at least 32 hours a week. Haha this is going to be fantastic. But the best part is during January, I'll be getting a visit from Matty! He's gonna be staying with me for two weeks so I'm gonna basically just show him around EVERYWHERE. I've like planned to roadtrip around the north island with him to show him all the places and stuff. I am SO freaking excited you have no idea.

What else is new... oh! Me and Jem broke up like a week after our one year anniversary, so around the start of May this year. It was pretty upsetting, but it was for the best. We were... really good together, actually, but we kept on fighting and it just got to the point where we were sick of it all and needed to call it quits. But it was kinda ironic because as soon as we decided to break up, we had a week of fantasticness (yes I'm going to make up words now) after that instead of mourning, since we were still living together but everything was good after that. I think I took a whole month to finally move out, but they all moved out and split as well so yeah. And then there was a loooong period of getting back together, then avoidance, then getting back together etc. Currently it's in the avoidance stage, but I'm only doing it because I know it'll be good for our relationship. I want to remain friends, but so soon after such a major relationship (seriously, a year in gay terms equals at least two or two and a half in normal timekeeping) is just going to be detrimental in the long run. I won't go into too much detail at the moment since this is a brief summary of my life to date this year, so maybe another entry.

Yeah, updating a whole year and more into one entry is just ridiculous. Expect ridiculously detailed entries in the next few installments on specialized topics. What else...

Oh! Two really annoying things. First of all, my personal trainer is leaving back home to England, that evil person. Well, I'd consider him a friend over a personal trainer, since the times we trained it was always just casual and chummy (despite the fact he'd send me home murdered after one session of just pure death... but I appreciated it!), but for all documentary purposes I'll refer to him most of the time as a trainer, or my PT. But yeah, started training with him around April/May and now he's finally returning to England just after the finale of the Rugby World Cup, to which I might add YAY GO NEW ZEALAND!! That was a freaking intense match. Stephen Donald, ranged/carry much?

But anyway. Yeah, so PT's abandoning me to go back home. Our last session was on Friday and it was pretty upsetting. He left to Auckland the day after to go and watch the RWC final at a bar somewhere up there, and then his flight's on Thursday but I have no idea what time. I'll have to find out. But yeah, it's pretty sad since he's been a solid friend throughout this whole year and I'm gonna miss him hard out.

Second annoying thing. Nick, my super cool manager (well actually supervisor, but I still call him a manager) at work, is leaving us to go and work at the Lyall Bay store! Grr. Well, they do need the help over there, and Nick's gonna do real well over there since his skills'll hopefully whip the place back into shape, as well as the fact that it's a good promotion for him and stuff. GAH. Fully going to miss him though, since he's been like the coolest supervisor ever.

Lame. I totally don't want to end this entry on a bad note. What else is interesting in my life...

Oh! It's actually weird living by myself now. Well, has been, I should say, since it's been like months since me and Jem split up, but now I'm finally getting used to it. It's nice having my own personal space, and like being able to sort things out however I want and being able to look around the room and say that I do in fact own everything there. I got some real freaking awesome branch lights which I've set up on my wall in a fan-like display (since I have no vases) and it looks freaking fantastic. Only need those two sets (since I've set them up on one side of the room by my desk and bed) on at night to give a nice ambient glow, while helping to illuminate everything.

Oh yeah, I also managed to fill my quota of travelling once a year by heading over to Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand during June/July! The whole point of the trip was of course to see Nick (my other friend Nick, not my brother or my supervisor) who is still living over there. He's doing really well! I couldn't go see him last year due to all the riots of course, but it was fine this time around so I decided to visit! Mum came along of course, since she wanted to travel and was intending to go over and see all the relatives anyway, so she went to Malaysia first while I had all my exams, then I flew over to meet here and then we proceeded to travel like there was no tomorrow. I think that's another entry in itself. Actually, there are so many potential entries I'm going to have to take note and post a lot over the next few weeks to essentially keep this blog up to date on my whole life.

Sad to say, there isn't as much drama as I'd like in my life at the moment. As Hadleigh said, there was so much drama in my life when I was in high school and in my first year of university. Well actually, there's a few points I could note down but I'll keep them a secret for now, because I promised. Currently it's all just preparation for my exams, soon-to-be summer school on Mondays and Tuesdays, work and drunk bingo alongside organized dinner dates every Wednesdays (which is tomorrow, yay!), work on Thursdays (ridiculously hungover/still drunk due to going out for bingo the night before, and having to work at 7am on Thursdays), and then indoor soccer in the evening with drinks before/after, work on Friday with gym in the afternoon (would be with PT but he's gone now... evil), work on Saturdays, then rest and recovery on hangover Sundays. That's pretty much going to keep me busy for the next few months and I'm looking forward to it! Well actually, that's pretty much been my life for the past half year, taking away work on Thursdays and adding uni to Mon-Thur with the not-really-going-to-class applicable to Mondays and Wednesdays. Still passing freaking well though which is amazing. But Politics is going to be hard.

I'd better stop now. This entry is starting to overflow and I should save stuff for the next few weeks where I barrage this blog with an army of posts. I'll remember more when the time comes, but for now I've at least plotted out a basic outline of what I have to cover in the entries to succeed this. Peace out!

So... hello. I guess it's going to be hard to sum up over half a year's worth of blogging into just this one little post. I mean, I know I was awful at blogging in a continuous flow last year but I know I'll be better once I complete this entry. Once this is over and done with, it'll be smooth sailing from now onwards. Now, where do I begin...

New Year's started off with pure awesomeness. Hanging out with friends I hadn't seen in a year (well... a lot of them we'd hung out the month before due to holidays co-inciding... duh!) and just hanging fun like we used to. I definitely missed that. A summer where we could all relax, hang out, and enjoy life like it was a year ago before we all decided to part ways.

So, the first term in a nutshell.

Basically, at first I was worried about the papers I was taking. I decided to change my course of study to a Bachelor of Music/Bachelor of Arts with majors in Musicology, Political Science, and History. I was taking a paper in Baroque Music where I knew nothing about that era in history, and I was taking Intro to NZ Govt. and Politics where I knew nothing about politics and current events, as well as NZ history which I'd taken two years ago and barely remembered anything at all. I was living in a flat far away from town, away from a lot of friends (but within a decent walking distance to others) and I had no job due to my application for transfer being denied from my manager for "taking too many days off" when she knew that I was a uni student living away from home, which she said she would accommidate for.

So basically, it was stress haven for a few weeks.

Luckily, life started to pick up. I began to realize I might actually have a change to pass uni, I scored a job at Bunnings (despite some intense interviews and worry with late calls... trust Nick!), and life started to get pretty awesome to be honest.

Oh, but I managed to "fracture" the thumb and middle finger on my right hand, which was essentially breaking the bones at the tips of the digits (and ruining my fingernails), due to a hockey accident in my very first match of the season. Spoilers abound, I haven't played a game of hockey since, despite having recovered months ago.

So I'm studying towards a music degree with a core practical paper in keyboard, and working at a hardware store with an essentially useless right hand due to being right-handed. Awesome. You won't believe how great I felt...

And then something wonderful happened at work, mid to late April.

I was working one Friday afternoon, and I was about to go on my break, when a young man seemed lost as to where to go, so I asked him if he needed any help. He replied saying he did, and my workmate Hayley said she would help, but I insisted on giving him a hand. So amongst the helpful hints on plaiting rope into a whip (for a costume party), there was a wee bit of flirting. As my workmate Dan noted, "Bro, you were flirting hard out. Did you get his number?" to which I can gladly say that I did.

How? Well, when I took him back to the registers and served him, along with his eftpos card he slipped me his own work card underneath. At first I was like "oh haha I think this is yours" to which he replied "no, it isn't" and it took me a moment before I clicked, and promptly went bright red in the face and got all embarrassed.

Since then, it's been an amazing four months with him. I honestly love him, and it maybe a scary feeling, but it's tremendously wonderful.

Okay, so I was super proud of all my marks (holy {expletive hax0rd by Cspace} I passed Politics and Baroque Music??) apart from Classical Theory. Basically, I had to learn my pieces and all my technical work within a week and a half before the exam. Yeah, totally not cool after recovering from broken fingers. Luckily I passed the practical assessment with a D (despite being a fail grade, so long as you attain 40% in practical, you'll pass the course but fail the module) as well as the aural test with a D (again, same criteria applies). Thankfully, due to awesome harmony grades throughout the term, it averaged to a B- (okay... so I bummed out on the tests with like A- and B+, but I was like super awesome in the assignments).

To be honest, I'm actually doing pretty decently. I mean, I have to wait for the results for my Classics assignment, and I have yet to hand in my IR essay due in next week, but it's pretty freaking awesome. So uni life... is pretty great.

In terms of my job, I could never have asked for a better job. I'm actually not kidding. Working for Bunnings is probably one of the best things I could have done in my life to date, and probably my future for a long time. I only applied for the job because I was unemployed (and it was strange having no job after working for like well over three years) and my friend Becca told me I should apply, as my mate Braydon had as well, yet, it was probably one of the best moves ever. Not only is it fantastic life experience, but the people I work with have hearts of gold, and are some of the most fantastic people I have met in my life to date. No jokes, I'm dead serious.

One amazing thing though... despite having a ridiculously crap night (apart from the food) due to having to hang with Jem's ex - okay, I thought it'd be all good but he's a ridiculous "queen" and as many might note I'm not exactly a, comfortable with that in concentrated doses, and b, am used to {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace}iness and horrible mean attitudes. Yeah. Anyway, the point of the story is...

Jem asked me to move in with him when my current lease expires!

So like, I've basically been living at his house for the past month in a row, and more before then intermittently. And by that, I mean at my house once or twice a week or less. Honestly, words cannot describe how excited and happy I am at the mo. I was glowing with joy today at work because we discussed moving in together last night and I couldn't stop thinking about it, but the fact he asked me today was just amazing. We're going to have a trial period of two months where I have to stay with him every night (like that's going to be hard!) until it ends, and after that we'll see how we feel, but to be honest I know that everything will be perfect. Well, not perfect maybe, but as close to heaven as one could imagine. I honestly can't be happier.

One thing though, is that I have to break the news to my flatties... it's going to be hard. I mean, I don't see that them often anymore. Eugh, that's fully another entry about me and my awful communication skills and maintenance of relationships with my friends... maybe... probably not. But I'm going to start up blogging again now that I've received motivation to d

~ Jonny

Jonathan (Baroque lecturer): -in the course of one lecture- "I wonder, if you could ah, bring out your banana first..." "...and that's what turns me on" "there he became a professional organ blower"

I'm over Jack. I honestly am, and I know that. Then why did I suddenly feel a wave of sadness surge over me when I went on his Facebook page, then consequently, his Tumblr? It's... strange to say in the least. There's nothing there, but I'm still somehow upset. Pardon the sudden onset of the sniffles...

I'm an idiot.

I really don't know what's wrong with me... but I know there's definitely something wrong. I knew I was a fool to look at his page, but I did it anyway. I wanted to see some mention of my name... somewhere... but of course, nothing. But there was always hope, no matter how futile it was to dream.

He is such a different person... I'm really happy for him. He's got friends whom he gets along with really well now. He fits in perfectly in his amazing world of ups and down.

I guess we all have to overcome the problems we face in life. Life honestly throws so much at you, and it's up to you as to how you respond, recover, continue, or stop. Each of us have events in our life which change how we think, feel, act...

We're all similar. We grow up, we have our fair share of problems... relationship problems, problems with friends and family, problems with one's own self. How we deal with these problems is what separates us from each other.

Our reactions to religion, alcohol, drugs, lifestyle, friends, attitudes... they can change in the blink of an eye when something strikes the very foundations which hold our own worlds together. Leaving home... making and breaking relationships... losings friends... separation... yeah, those things can change one's moral outlook on life.

And how do I cope with situations like these?

There have been so many times where an earthquake has shaken the simple barriers protecting my tomb. I should have quake-safed the place after all those times, but I guess I never really learn my lesson. Weeds always seem to grow in the cracks, walls of stone eventually crumble to dust, and the wind bitterly sweeps everything away.

No matter how hard we try to wall ourselves in, protect ourselves from the pain that people and places can incur, eventually we succumb and are left bare to the mercy of the world.

My pride is my weakness. I guess... I'm not as strong as I think. My feelings govern every single action I take. I never had a strong mind, but my morals kept me together. Somehow, I have a sense of purpose.

So like, I just realized... my recent posts, or like posts this year, are all pretty much depressing. I've been re-tagging all my entries replacing the whole month things with seasons and other bits of information, and I noticed how happy and exciting my posts were. Gah.

I was going to try and be all exciting and stuff, but then I totally remembered some things I had to blog about, and that fully brought the mood down to average. =P

I think it's a little bit strange, but there are like a million boys in my life at the moment, and it's kinda creepy. Where are the girls when you need them?

Okay, for instance. One of my friends. I'm not going to name them at all (durr, that's just stupid)... but something very strange happened between us the other night. I mean, it wasn't bad, not at all! It's just... I never expected it from this person.

Different story. So a workmate of mine from my place in Wellington suddenly started PM'ing me over Facebook. As soon as I saw it was a PM, with the message "can you keep a secret?", I was just like "okay, he's totally tell me about you-know-what", and it fully was. I should fully join my dad in his psychic group. We could totally create some superhero group.

Anyway, he trusted me enough to tell me. It's really nice... he's full of questions (he's a lot older, but in his words he's a "late bloomer") and we're just having a really nice conversation. I never really talked to him much down in Wellington, but this is pretty much bringing us close together so that's awesome stuff!

Okay, and then there's this guy whom I used to work with as well here in Hamilton, until he moved. He's starting to PM me as well, just wanting to catch up. But then he was like "I see from your profile you've got a boy? How long you guys been together?" and I'm thinking oh my god.

Firstly, because he's scoping. Well, I mean like... not in a bad way. And I'm totally not being {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace}y or whatever. It's just that it's so obvious that he's just asking about that.

Secondly, I find it hilarious that all of this happened because I changed my profile pic on Facebook to one of me and Nick, and that I only just realized that's what set off all these events... not to mention the "married" status with him. xD

Ugh. And then there's this guy who added me on Facebook, and all he talks is pretty much gay and that drives me insane. And then he won't stop either commenting on everything of mine, or just being really dirty. Eugh. Save that kinda crap for the sleazy dating websites.

Anyway, ignoring all those boys and stuff.

I want hugs. People are stupid. People, meaning people such as James and Nick. James is all the way in Christchurch and immobile, and Nick's in bloody Thailand being lame. I could honestly do with a hug from one of those guys...

It's so funny. When I was on skype with Nick the other day, he was like "dude, I would honestly pay a whole 20 baht for one of your hugs right now", since like he can't get hugs in Thailand. Shame. But it was so awesome chatting with him via skype. We talked for aaaaages multiple times, and it was really nice. He's been working heaps, and hanging with the landlady as well (spoiler alert, she's too old and married for him), and we caught up for aaaaages. *sigh* I really wish he didn't move to Thailand...

And then James is stuck in Christchurch. ARGH. If I had free time, I'd fully visit him in a flash. Unfortunately, I've got work. Grrr...

But luckily, Callum's coming up on the 23rd, so I don't have to wait for too long for hugs from someone I haven't seen in a while. We'll have mad hangs when he comes up.

Work's actually been pretty neat. I've had so much fun since I've been back, and I really love it there. I'm going to be so upset when I have to leave there... again. Actually, it's really sad to think that it's been like over 3 and a half, nearly 4 years, since I've been employed by the company. And it's awesome how all the customers still remember me, despite having ditched Hamilton for a year.

Actually, it's crack up. Every single time I see like a regular customer of mine, or just someone I haven't seen since last year, I end up chatting with them for ages.

It was so awesome! I bumped into Mrs. Brooker, who was my singing coach from primary school! We talked for aaaaages... turns I was right in my guessing, in that Braydon's flatmate Jeremy WAS in fact her son. We did composition together for a term, before he decided that it was too hard. He only picked up the one paper, while he did his industrial design course.

But yeah, we had a mean catch up. Turns out quite a few of the teachers from my years are still teaching there. One of the oldies who was meant to have retired still does relief work! Jesus... I remember celebrating like her 65th birthday or something way back then. But yeah... absolutely fantastic memories of Hamilton West. Seriously, I had so much fun there!

Ooh. I also bought a shiny new 16GB iPod Nano! I probably spent more time trying to get the protective case on it, than sorting out the music and stuff. Seriously, that thing was a {expletive Chuck Norris'd by Cspace} to get on, and I ended up getting dad to help me assemble it since it was pretty much impossible, and I only managed to clip it together once while the iPod wasn't in it.

But yeah. So glad, since now it'll give me more motivation to go running. That way, I'll have something fun and exciting to listen to. Seriously, metal (preferably power) or dance music is the best to exercise to. Dance for the beat, and power metal for the epicness. Hmm... I might just make a playlist of all my favourite songs. That way, I'll be distracted when I try sing along, so I won't notice how far I'll have been running. I also won't get bored.