This may be an awards issue, but we don't usually approve of such transactional behaviour; in fact, our general rule is that those who ask for a gong are sent smartly on their way. Virtue, as I'm sure you realise, is its own reward.

However, it's true to say that we all need a little recognition from time to time. The problem here is: what if you haven't been very good? Time, we think, for a crash course in smartening up your act – and some solutions that are both speedy and highly visible.

First of all, that pesky hosepipe ban. Whether or not it's been lifted where you live, assume it is still in full force and rig up a system of ropes, pulleys, empty Ecover bottles and sticky-backed plastic to convey every last drop of household water to your thirsty petunias; the more complicated the better. Instituting communal baths (for those of a certain age, think 1970s power cuts and the government's insistence on couples bathing together) is the icing on the cake, as long as you leave your windows open so that your neighbours are fully aware of what you're doing.

Needless to say, you must banish your car to the outer darkness, but we recommend going the whole hog and – with apologies for the mixed metaphor – popping down to the local donkey sanctuary and investing in a nicely low-tech cart. Obviously the school run will be somewhat slower (unless you live in London), but think of the time you'll already have saved by getting rid of your great big plasma telly in favour of evenings spent darning socks and playing board games by candlelight.

We know how much you enjoyed those cheeky little trips along the high street: the indulgent cappuccino in its disposable cup; the impulse purchase of scandalously low-cost, mass-produced clothing; the hours spent drooling over long-haul holidays in the travel agents. That, sad to say, is all a thing of the past now.

But it needn't be all sackcloth and ashes (although don't forget to run yourself up a little tunic from hemp). Imagine how much the donkey will enjoy a little trip out to the great British seaside. And all that sun exposure was awfully bad for you in any case. Don't look us like that: you asked.