My Granddad knew from the beginning that the Titanic would sink.
He warned everyone but no one would listen.
He tried a few more times until he finally got kicked out of the cinema!

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How do you know when you're in a Jewish household?
There's a fork in the sugar bowl.

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Just been watching the news and apparently police are holding three men over a fire in West London...
Seems a Bit harsh, I wonder what they've done.

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I pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked did I wanna come back to hers for a good time.....she wasn't fucking kidding I went on the dodgems, waltzers, ghost train and came home with a goldfish.

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Following Michael Fallon's resignation for sexual misconduct it is believed Theresa May will soon be forced to resign for fucking the British public.

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A 12 year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who’s lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy’s head in her arms and whispers, “Do you need a priest?”
The boy moans, “How you can think of sex at a time like this?”

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Swedish lesbian who was seen licking her partner's Volvo?

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My wife suggested we spice up our sex lives with 'doctors and nurses' role play.
So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.

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William Hill must be shitting it, I only need Richard Gere to get nicked for fucking a goat, and I'll have a 6000/1 accumulator.

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AK47
A terrorist's favourite poker hand.

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The body of a woman has been found in Glasgow.
Police say there is evidence to suggest she had been battered.
Fuck me them Scots will try and deep fry anything.

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I was fired from the keyboard factory today.
I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

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Asda has stopped selling kiwi fruit to under 25s as people are taking them to the Harry Styles concert and they are throwing them at him when he sings his song Kiwi.
That does it i am taking my 14 year old to the Bruno Mars concert and i cant wait for him to sing grenade.

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I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old.

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two, then before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed, then for a stronger buzz, I moved onto ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin. I was a complete mess. I was skint and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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I gave my wife a nudge in bed.
"Love, are you awake?" I whispered.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Do you remember the other day you said you'd give me a blow job credit if I mowed the lawn, and then I mowed the lawn?"
"Shit! Yeah I remember."
"Well I used it in work today, thanks."

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Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.