10.12.12

You are the sentinels, silent and sure.

This collage was stolen from Del's twitter :3

You know when you do something, and at first you think it's almost nothing and when it ends, you'll just walk off knowing new names and new songs and that's that, but then it ends and you find yourself missing everybody the moment you let go of that goodbye hug and walk through the door and crying to sleep because you didn't express your appreciation and gratitude enough or as much as you would've liked?

Because that's how I felt.

It's funny how we work, humans. We think something, but it ends up being the total opposite.

I can't say much about last night, not before my eyes get watery and I'm seeing everything through a waterfall. But one thing's for sure, some things just hit you like a bullet train and next thing you know, you're trying really hard to not let the tears fall and blame the redness of your eyes on your perfectly fine contacts. I have no idea what that thing was, but it happened countless times last night. Most of which included Michael's performances and speeches and little pep talks and precious 'I love you too' at the kids, although I find our little moments backstage too hearbreaking and heartwarming; the boys' faces when they giggled at the pictures they took while the girls were putting their make up on, Malique's fascination with make up remover and constant need to chew, Arianna's exclamation at how pretty I was - this touched my heart more than it should, to be completely honest - and the way she hugged me at the end, our krump party during I Mind and dance party during Be Our Guest, the little backup singer dance we did during Electricity, the last verse of Here On Who, the applause I got from my fellow performers when my name was announced during the certificate giving ceremony - regardless if it was fake or not - and the group hug and picture we never got. They say you can't miss what you don't have, but God, how I miss that much needed group hug and photo. It's probably the fact that we don't have it that makes me miss it more. I'd rather lose my macho and succumb to myself and be an emotional wreck in public for that.

Under normal circumstances, this would be classified under odd behaviour and severe overreacting, but I feel like we're all one giant family, even if we were together for only 6 days, some of us 4, and Michael's like the uncle who brings presents around every time he's around regardless if it's Christmas or not. It's like this is an orphanage and we're the strange kids who have no hope of being adopted and Joanna's the strict headmistress, Llew's the cook who tries to make our food taste good, Charity's the kind counter lady, Pat's the head of public relations or something, and Michael's the caretaker who sneaks us midnight snacks even though it's not allowed.

This might be triggered from post-happiness depression and just Aishah's weird attachment to things she shouldn't be attached to, but when I woke up this morning, I told myself I'll wear my Enfiniti t-shirt to sleep - heck, during the day too - whenever I feel lonely. Because, for the past two weekends, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Hell, I enjoy myself whenever I'm there, be it for last year's SOMTI, this year's Starmaker Bootcamp, Suhaili's weekly classes. I sort of forget the world. I feel at home. I feel wanted. I belong. Something I rarely feel.

But that's okay, you appreciate them more when you get it in small doses. It won't feel like it's enough, but it never is anyway.

So, Puteri, Enez, Malique, Del, Martin, Tasha, Dani, Arianna, Kir, Nadia, Niken, Marie, Esmerelda, Adellia, Joanna, Pat, Llew, Charity, even Hakim and Rifqah, thank you for a kickass ending to an eventful and stupid year. No, really, thank you.
And to Michael, for coming all the way from US and Bangkok, for genuinely believing in us, for wanting us to be the full potential we all can be, for making us look amazing whilst preforming despite the talents most of us lack, I'm sorry on behalf of everybody if we annoyed or frustrated you. I'm pretty sure we all actually have a soft spot for you, even as stoic as Malique and Marie may seem. And I'm sorry beyond my capacity that we didn't attack you with our killer hugs as we should've done when you left early, even though it might've wounded the smoothness of the program - just because thank yous and I love yous from backstage are never enough.

I don't know what it is that you guys did to stab me right in the soul like this, but thank you.