Monday, November 5, 2012

Organized Rides: Choose a Temperature and Add Smugness to Taste

Are you smug? Do you own a cargo portaging-type bicycle? (If you answered "yes" to the first question then you probably also answered "yes" to the second question.) After voting tomorrow, do you have a bunch of time to kill? If so you can head over to Bicycle Habitat in Brooklyn and help portage ("portage" is pretentious for "schlep") supplies out to Far Rockaway, and here are the details:

Not sure if you heard, but we had a gigantic fucking storm here and there are a lot of people still without power who really need things. Ordinarily I'd be tempted to point out that you can carry more stuff faster by car, but when you consider that the wait for gas is still something like 20 hours long it suddenly starts making a lot more sense.

The XXX trophy is given in recognition of extraordinary commitment to unprotected sexual intercourse, and its distinctive spiral shape is meant to evoke the syphilis virus:

By the way, given the recent doping shitstorm (which seems even more comically insignificant now when juxtaposed with a real storm), the organizers are going out of their way to point out that Cipollini "has never been linked to doping:"

Gran Fondo organizers say they can’t promise a costumed Cipollini (who, it should be noted, has never been linked to doping). But they hope to deliver a challenging ride on Nov. 11 with all the passione of the Giro and Italian cycling, which is to aficionados of the sport unequalled in style.

"I am completely astounded at what the newspaper Repubblica published today," Cipollini declared. "It is absurd to me that my name is mentioned in this arbitrary way in something I now nothing about. Personally, I do not know doctor Fuentes and I have never had any contact to him."The Tuscan is now ready to take legal action "to protect his image".

I don't know which is more laughable: the notion that Mario Cipollini rode as a professional from 1989 to 2008 without ever doping, or that it's even possible to sully an image which is arguably the smarmiest in all of sports. Really, the only way being linked to a doctor could hurt Cipollini's image would be if that doctor was prescribing him with erectile dysfunction medication. And speaking of erections, this gran fondo is perfect for Cipollini for two reasons:

Where other gran fondos offer steep climbs, Miami’s substitutes usually-stiff winter winds.
Yes, Cipo hates climbing, and he's also unusually stiff--though if he remains that way for more than six hours he needs to call Dr. Fuentes.

I love few things more than riding a bicycle, but, to paraphrase Gary Larson, there are certain ways nature says "Do not ride," and even just watching this gave me seasonal affective disorder and made me want to drink myself into a stupor.

By the way, as the same reader points out, fat bikes are now poised to replace cyclocross bikes (which replaced track bikes) as the hottest two-wheeled fashion accessories going, and he even forwarded catalog pictures to prove it:

I'm sure someone will point out that the model isn't wearing a helment:

Though arguably the snow is enough to break her fall and the worst case scenario is that she'll wind up like this:

(Four minutes into a typical fat bike Fred ride.)

Which is why I'm launching a Kickstarter for a fat bike shoe with a heel that flashes red when it's inverted. That way, the search party is more likely to spot you from the helicopter. (My original prototype actually fired a flare, but more often than not it misfired and simply sent a flaming projectile straight into the rider's crotch.) Currently I'm using the product name "Fat Bike Dork Foot Beacon," but I may refine that if we actually make it to market.

When you move your head and eyes to scan a scene, your eyes are incapable of moving smoothly across it and seeing everything. Instead, you see in the image in a series of very quick jumps (called saccades) with very short pauses (called fixations) and it is only during the pauses that an image is processed.Your brain fills in the gaps with a combination of peripheral vision and an assumption that what is in the gaps must be the same as what you see during the pauses.

Since if you don't fall into one of these "saccades" then the driver doesn't see you.

This is useful information for both cyclists and drivers. However, do keep in mind that it's coming from an RAF pilot, and therefore it's only applicable to British people. Here in America everybody's awesome and sees everything at all times, just like in "Top Gun."

Not only do they get to the bottom of what happened, but they even furnish attorneys with diagrams of old crappy ten speeds so that attorneys can be conversant in bicycle terminology when they talk to clients:

Which results in conversations like this:

"So you're saying that after the car hit you the...let me see here...'rim' resembled a 'taco,' the so-called 'chain ring' tore your pants, and the uh...'saddle' became lodged deep in your posterior. Do I have that correct so far?"

OK so if the dee-houche who tried & failed to "Fatbikeraft the Arctic" due to his complicated foodular needs wasn't enough for ya, now we have this antipodal doucherie. O how the winds do howl in the eternal austral night. Ninnis & Mertz are not rolling in their graves, since they're frozen. I like the "slippery slope" saddle on the attorney diagram though.

Another reason the fat bike trend is excellent is that you can't just swap out a bar or a freewheel to join; you have to buy a whole new bike, since you'll never get those monster tires in your vintage Schwinn. More stuff to buy makes trends happen. There's a shop in downtown Seattle now (they're electric, too, and OH SO FATT).

McFly: 2nd at your first event is seriously impressive! Surely it wasn't your first bike race of any type? Me I got a torn tendon and a DNF :( but I thoroughly enjoyed it while I lasted - giggling while riding has to be a good sign! Now looking for some mug to partner me in the CX madison at Herne Hill on new year's day.

Yeah it was. They we're breathing down my neck, though. Much further and I would not have been on the box. I was more impressed with lil man. He got second and rode the same distance. It had a monster hill and we were both on road bikes with 30c Kenda Kwik and NOT LOW ENOUGH GEARING.

Here I am resplindent in all my glory with optional man camel-toe. He did so good. It sucked because we had to get back home and my bud texted and said they drew my name then lil man foe a swanky Kuat Rack but we had to be present to win. I am running 39/52 x 28. I leave it in 39.

"It’s not certain how far Cipollini will ride. Cipo, whose specialty was sprinting for the finish line at the end of flat race stages, was known for never actually winning, or for that matter finishing..."

McFly,Way to go, that's the way cross should be done by anyone short of the cat 1/pros: "run what you brung", and what you bring should be one (1) old road bike with the biggest tires that will fit (which usually aren't all that big). Plus you're teaching lil man a good lesson, bicycle bike-cycling is fun and you don't have to super-ultra-mega bucks.

Mr. Pervison, there's nothing pervy about sticking one's tongue in model # 2's cornhole. The placing of one's tongue inside the cornhole of a beautiful woman is a most romantic gesture and a true manifestation of an ardent desire.

It appears this is New Yorkouver today...Hornby St is a film set and it's chocka blocka NYC taxicabs. And tanks. Oh, and hot chicks in retro (40's and 50's) suits with numbers tattooed on their faces. Actually, it appears that everyone on the set has a number tattooed on their face. Except all the guys hanging around in fascist uniforms.

Syphilis is a bacterial infection and not a viral one. Someone above pointed out that the infectious agent, Treponema pallidum, is a spirochete not a virus, but, since most people have no idea what a spirochete is (FYI - it's a spiral-shaped bacterium), that's not very informative.

By the way, the wikipedia page for syphilis is one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syphilis It might almost be enough to make me swear off having sex with prostitutes.

I think it was fearing for it's life from the all the carnage going on around it and burrowed back up into my body like a frightened shrew. I did not notice it until Stevil pointed it out and now it's all I see when I gaze upon my post-race decompression position. There was a 5 year old there that kept climbing on me and telling me shit and I was all GTFO I'm dying here.

I always freak out for a split-second after a long ride and I come out of all the stretchy cycling specific clothing and I have a FORESKIN that I am pretty sure I had removed when I was about 10 hours old.

Come on Commie Canuk. Canadians are always bashing American politics and disowning Americans and America. It's Canada's national pastime. The gazillions of snow birds in Florida and Arizona are wisely not so verbal about it. I googled 'Canadian Mormon temples" and there are a bunch of them. I suspect Canadian Mormon's are secretly praying their little hearts out for "that Mormon" to win. Also interestingly, a picture of Canadian Tire came up. What's with that?

Commie and Babble are a little jealous. They don't get to vote for their prime minister. And their politics are even more boring than ours. We can keep patronizing them though because Canada is a lovely little (in terms of population) country.

@Anonymous 3:11 PM: you mistake me -- I don't think fat bikes with electric assist are wrong. Not if you have 15-20% grades to contend with, as I do. I'm not buying one, but I can see the appeal (which goes down considerably when I see the pricetag).

True Babble, no usher of the black rod, but the house has a "Seargeant at Arms." I'm not sure if they are talking about arms as in limbs or arms as in guns. I would think the latter; guns are so American. And sadly we don't get to elect our president either. Something called the electoral college. Our founding fathers really messed up with that one.

Hmmm. At least 10000 feet of climbing and 1500 miles on a fat bike, when he's pumping hard on the small gear to go 3 mph on a flat. 500 years from now somebody will find that guys corpse under 100 feet of snow, one foot still clipped in, a perfectly preserved packet of GU stuck to his upper lip. And that's if the Shoggoths don't get him.

Good luck to him, but I think we'd better start colonizing Mars before somebody decides to be the first guy to go to the South pole on a fat fixie. We're really dredging the bottom of the world record barrel.

From 3000 miles away with a daughter who's in her freshman year of college on Long Island, I'm unclear as to how it's "smug" to use bikes to help people who need food. I would have loved to know that someone was taking food and bottled water to her campus during the hours when I couldn't hear a thing from her.Guess that makes me uncool.

@Barb Chamberlain: New around here? While I can appreciate a mother's concern, I think your daughter might just have survived a few hours sans food, bottled water and Lob forbid, phone access. Quite a number of people in the world do that. Daily.

Hey Bikesnob. was just shopping online at http://www.chainreactioncycles.com/Models.aspx?ModelID=65884and thought you might be able to get some mileage out of it egFR-C Shorts utilize HC-44™ high compression fabric for precise fit, incredible performance and maximum comfort. A second fabric appears pinstriped due to the threads of carbon woven into it. The carbon element controls stretch and reinforces the strength of the material, allowing it to be lighter, yet stronger. Carbon has the added benefit of reducing electrical interference from cell phone towers and power lines that can negatively affect performance.no shi

Sponsored Linkway:

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!