Chapter 4: Cancer to Crochet

My story of surviving cancer and physical and mental illnesses.

(Disclosure:
The following material discusses mental health and suicide in detail and may be
difficult for some readers. Children
under the age of 18 should not read unless approved by a guardian. Precaution is advised. If you or someone you know needs medical
attention, please contact your local physician or dial 911.)

It was happening! My biggest
fear was an actual reality! I was going
from being a psychology professional to a psychology patient at a mental
hospital. After spending years studying
and researching anxiety and depression treatments, I was receiving them in an
institute. Did I not learn anything in
graduate school? How could I be so weak? I knew everything about that stuff, but I
couldn’t save myself. These were the
thoughts running through my mind as the techs searched my bags for things I
could use to harm myself. I wondered if
I was going to receive the straight jacket next. As I was wheeled into the common room, I was
greeted by a few people who wondered why I was there, as if I was the new kid
at school. That night, I had multiple
seizures and was transferred to the ER for observation. A security guard was assigned to watch me
right outside the room the entire time.
It was clear I was on suicide watch.

Stigma

The next day, we ate breakfast and started group sessions while we
took turns meeting with our assigned psychiatrist. I was told of medication changes and we
discussed the events that lead up to my admission. Although I assured him I was not going to
attempt any self-harm while there, I still wanted to die. That feeling was probably stronger since I
had to be there. What would my friends
and family think when they found out I was in a psych ward? Well, I brushed that thought aside because I
wasn’t planning to stick around much longer anyway.

Perspective

Throughout my seven day stay at the mental resort and spa (sarcasm,
it was a sterile hospital), we had numerous group and individual sessions. During that time, I developed a few
friendships with other women and men who were there with depression. Not once did I see a “nut job” or a “crazy”
person. No straight jackets were handed
out and no one sat in a corner rocking themselves while mumbling. It’s not to
say some people weren’t a little different than your average joe, but it was
nothing like the movies (kinda boring).
Each day that went by, I became more stable and gained an appetite. I ate what others didn’t want! Clearly, the medication was working. I needed to be there, and I wouldn’t be here
if I didn’t go there. However, I still
couldn’t believe how I got to that point.

It Happens

How did I go from being the student to the patient? The stigmas that surround mental health got
to me, even though I always encouraged everyone else to seek help if
needed. I went into the psychology field
of study to help people just like me, but I was supposed to be stronger and
more educated than others. What a load
of shit! Do heart surgeons never have
heart attacks? Do electricians never
lose power? Do teachers never
learn? Do priests never sin? It’s ridiculous to think that I shouldn’t
have been mentally ill because I studied the brain and human behavior. In fact, my education fully explained why I
was depressed and anxious and why I should have been in the hospital. Who wouldn’t need help after feeling so
physically ill and losing so much during seven years? This back and forth conversation with myself
allowed me to finally accept and appreciate the treatments. I was able to be discharged to my family and
go home. Though, things weren’t all
fixed and the suicidal thoughts didn’t go away.

Reader Interactions

Comments

You are such a strong person to face your biggest fears head-on. It takes great strength to reach out for help. I’m so glad you did. And I know your life has such a huge positive feedback on people that know you. Including me!! ❤❤

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I absolutely love being a hooker, and I hope you do too! Ha! This is a place to shop for handcrafted crochet and other yarn items for humans and homes. It's also a place for me to share the joy of yarn art with others. It's a little bit boho, a little farmhouse, a little modern, and a lot of style. Browse the shop, read a little, follow my socials, or send me a message. You don't have to be a hooker to be a friend!
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