Your top five burning sex and relationship questions — answered

Navigating our personal relationships can be at times, pretty confusing.

Photograph by: UBER IMAGES
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Whether you’re trying to figure out how to spice up your marriage or what to do about your hook-up that won’t text you back — navigating our personal relationships can be at times, pretty confusing (even for a so called expert like me)!

As a sex and relationship writer, I receive questions from readers on a weekly basis. What’s interesting is that many of you are wondering about the same things. Curious about what Canadians are thinking?

Here are the top five sex and relationship questions and answers I’ve received over the past year.

1. Question: “My wife never wants to have sex. I love her, but I feel like the lack of sex is affecting our relationship. How can I get her to be interested in sex again?”

It can be really frustrating when you want to have sex but your partner doesn’t. It might even feel like your partner is rejecting you — even when this isn’t really the case. The truth is, there are a lot of reasons why someone might not want to have sex: Hormonal changes following childbirth or menopause, illness, depression, negative body image, hormonal birth control, stress, exhaustion. The list goes on.

The point is, there’s no magic switch that will get your partner interested in sex again, so stop beating yourself up that you haven’t found it yet. My suggestion? Before you go on the defensive, talk to your partner. Ask them about how they’re feeling. Actively listen to what they’re saying and don’t judge them. Pour them a glass of wine.

Secondly, don’t rush. Often we’re so focused on making sex happen, that we forget about other forms of intimacy like holding hands, cuddling and having intimate conversations. Plan a date night with your partner where sex isn’t even on the menu, where you can talk and focus on other forms of intimacy in a stress-free environment. Without the pressure of sex, it makes sex that much more appealing.

2. Question: “I'm a nice guy. I’m decent looking and have a good job. When it comes to dating, I've put myself out there. I've tried meeting people online and in person, without any luck. I treat women well but I keep getting rejected. Women say they want a "nice guy" when reality, they just want a guy who looks like a model and has a billionaire bank account. What's up with that?”

For the record, not every woman is looking for a guy with a model body and a millionaire bank account. I think a lot of us would be happy to meet someone who is kind, respectful and does work that he enjoys.

Getting back to that age old “nice guy” conundrum, though. Unfortunately, rejection is an inherent part of dating. We need to get rejected by the wrong people in order to find our way to the right ones.

The point is, if you keep striking out, you might want to take a look at the kind of people you’re pursuing. Instead of focusing on what you think other people want, ask yourself what it is you’re really looking for.

Lastly, I’m always wary of men who claim they’re “nice guys.” People who always have to remind you of how “nice” they are, often aren’t so nice. Instead, they’re often bitter and angry that they’ve been rejected, and guess what? Other people can sense this. Don’t let your past disappointments become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

3. Question: “I hooked up with this guy I really like the other night. We had a really good time and I thought there was something between us, but now he's not texting me back. I can't stop myself from obsessing over the fact that I may have done something wrong. Help!”

When we hook up with someone and they don’t call or text us, it’s natural for our minds to go into overdrive trying to pinpoint what could have gone wrong.

Here’s the thing: You didn’t do anything wrong. As much as being rejected sucks, it isn’t about you. If someone hooks up with you and doesn’t have the maturity to at the very least, acknowledge it, that’s on them.

I’m not perfect. There’s been a handful of times that I’ve rejected people who were smart, kind and attractive because I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection. Yes, it’s cowardly and immature, but at the time it seemed easier to just let things fade out than to have an awkward conversation where I overtly hurt someone’s feelings.

Stop driving yourself crazy. And remember — it’s not our responsibility to try and figure out why someone has the shortcomings they do — but instead, to acknowledge them and move on.

4. Question: “How do you bounce back from disappointing dating situations? I'm so afraid to put myself out there and get hurt again.”

Love and dating offer no guarantees, which is why dating can seem so scary. You put your heart on the line, with no guarantee that the other person is going to reciprocate and if they do, how long the relationship will last. This is an uncomfortable feeling. However, as I like to tell people, “If you’re going to date, you need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.”

The only real way to bounce back from a disappointing dating situation is to give yourself time. Too often, we try to bounce back from breakups or disappointments before we’re ready. Give yourself the time and space to feel what you need to feel. Lastly, there’s no rule that says that just because you’re single you have to be dating. If taking time out from dating feels good to you right now, take that time.

5. Question: “I've had 2 children, but never had an orgasm. Would trying a sex toy help? If yes, what kind should I choose? It seems like there are a million different options!”

According to the book by Elisabeth Lloyd, The Case of the Female Orgasm, only 25% of women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. So, while missing out on the Big O is frustrating, you’re not alone. With that said, adding a sex toy into the mix is a great way to discover what feels good!

When it comes to choosing your first sex toy, I usually suggest that people start with a small clitoral vibrator. (I really like the We-Vibe touch.) It's a great toy because it has various speeds and vibration modes (from very delicate to very strong). You can use it alone or with a partner.

Before you introduce the toy to your partner, start with some solo play. Set aside an hour or two when you won't be interrupted and take your time exploring what feels good, without any pressure about the outcome.

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