Parent Diaries

“I felt like the worst mother in the world, like my body wasn’t doing what it was meant to do. … but he was totally fine!”

Breastfeeding was sometimes tough, but totally worth it.

SUKARI, BOSTON.

Kai took to breastfeeding straight away - he had a great latch and fed really well. I was really happy as I knew I’d have a long skinny baby, and wanted to make sure he got all the nutrients he needed.

But of course breastfeeding your baby isn’t that easy. He started spitting up his milk pretty soon. He didn’t really throw up, he just spat it right back out. I was so worried he wasn’t keeping enough in there. I felt like the worst mother in the world, like my body wasn’t doing what it was meant to do. I would cry. Why wouldn’t he keep it down? This went on for months.

Friends would say to me ‘how many ounces does he have?” I didn’t know the answer, so I felt even worse. I was breastfeeding and it felt like he was keeping nothing down. I even downloaded an app which timed how long he would feed on each boob. I worried, was he getting enough foremilk, enough hindmilk? I made myself crazy, completely lost my own instinct. I was so worried I’d have to start using formula, and that wasn’t my choice.

Then my midwife said to me, “Sukari, all milk is good milk.” She asked me if Kai got upset, if he cried. The answer was no. “He’s totally fine” she said, so I stopped using the app.

I also found online a picture that showed the size of his stomach. Tiny - like a plum. I realised he was getting plenty of milk to fill his tiny tummy. He would just spit up when he’d had enough. So I started using my own instincts again. I remembered the trust I had in him and in my own body during labour, and I started listening and trusting again.