Texts from Daddy Joon

SO while I’m usually this tree of grandmother-ly wisdom (ha) and hardcore feminism (out of bras to burn). Today, I’m going to be that awkward Persian Girl with an embarrassing Persian Father.

A lot of my friends love my dad. They think he’s hilarious, and it looks like, from some of the comments, some of you joonies think he’s kinda funny too.

Well, it’s all fun and games til it happens to you.

1. Texts From Daddy Joon:

If I could publish a year’s worth of my dad’s texts, I don’t know if it would be a NY Bestseller or that book that goes on clearance for 2 bucks. But here are some real-life examples: (a.k.a I have taken the time to type them exactly as they are in my phone–#appreciate)

CONTEXT: Saaghi texts her dad that her “work life is like slave life”

DADDY JOON: “You guys should be thankful you’re being paid. Let’s be honest who in their right minds would pay a bunch of college grads with 0 work experience, cranky, and grumpy and clumsy. I would ask THEM to pay for the opportunity to learn and experiment! Said that, don’t show this to your bosses. May give them ideas!”

Thanks for understanding Dad.

CONTEXT: Saaghi’s Dad’s Alter Ego– ATM Dads, Inc.

After some $$$ (based on a prior agreement) was deposited, this text was received:

DADDY JOON:

“Dear Customer,

We are glad to inform you that your recent demand for continued support has been fulfilled. For your information, ATM Dads Inc, now extends its coverage well beyond our supportee’s graduation date and into their employment, marriage, and up to and including retirement.

We elevated customer service to new heights by constantly providing for our customers to the extent of our solvency. Please don’t hesitate to send us new support requests. Your continued patronage is appreciated.

ATM Dads Inc.”

WTF does that even mean??

And if you think I’m making any of this up, trust me– I don’t aspire for a job as HR Robot. Overall, I do wish I could screenshot these, but since I have a blackberry, it’s kind of difficult.

I argued for an iPhone 5 via text.

DADDY JOON: “With sincere apologies to our valued resident-in-subscription, we reserve the right to withhold new contracts to the owners of newly minted Blackberry of only 1 year young, acquired proudly with much love and excitement but with no direct investment.”

And if you’re amazed by my dad’s perfect english and grammar, imagine how I feel when these essays fly to my SMS inbox that’s filled with “LOL” and “omg” and “yaa!!”.

I get schooled by my dad, via text.

2. EMAILS FROM DADDY JOON

If you’ve managed to read through the above text messages, imagine the emails– where he has a real keyboard to write with.

CONTEXT: My brother asks for a new phone, via email. “…I hardly complained about my phone until now and I think it is about time that we address this matter seriously….Thanks Dad“

DADDY JOON: “Dear Complainer,

Thanks for your recent complaint. We pride ourselves in timely and speedy complaint resolution. After all, we have been created for the sole purpose of handling complaints from our valued customers in the most thankless way possible. We are honored at the title of “provider” but what we provide is a long standing commitment in serving our customers such as yourself.

….ABOUT FOUR MORE PARAGRAPHS OF REASONS WHY MY BROTHER IS NOT GETTING A NEW PHONE….

We should also add that our policy covers “providing” phones up to the age of 18 after which we respectfully expect they cover their costs such as they expect “providers” to treat them as such in other aspects if day to day life.

Greatly appreciate the opportunity to serve,

– Customer Service Dept. ATM DADs Inc.”

CONTEXT: Saaghi emails Dad why for 3291038th time the printer in the house is broken “Why there is no functioning printer in this house? I have to go to kinkos?”

DADDY JOON: “A top of the line and as-yet-fairly-versatile multi-function printer was purchased for a college student for its (to keep anonymity) school printing needs. That college student did not upkeep the equpment -

ANOTHER PARAGRAPH OF HOW I WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE THE PRINTER

Ironically, that same utterly irresponsible college student, now wakes up like a crancky teenager and demands full right to a functioning printer and spams like an autocrat (without a hint of saluation in the email) and demands full explanation why there is no printer.”

#OWNED.

Most Persian Dads raise Persian Princesses. My Dad enjoyed making sure I knew the difference between entitlement and privilege.

& Thanks to him, I do. And while I hated it growing up, now I realize it makes me who I am: I hustle for what I want, because no one ever handed it to me.

I have given my dad POWER POINT Presentations on why I should get a certain phone or a certain car. When I wanted to go abroad, my dad made sure I proved to him it logistically, financially, and contextually made sense. It was frustrating to have to engage in 3 hour discussions and debates, but his deal was: He paid for everything in full but he had to believe where he was putting his $$$.

With him, it was Dollars and Sense.

My Dad is all about his principles. And he never lets my brother and I forget it (clearly)

But for all his ridiculousness and HR aspirations, my dad is kind of adorable. And I can say that now, since I really can do whatever I want.