Sunday, February 29, 2004

skolarship of buddy don:hillbilly dickshunairy up to 874 wurds

i been spendin my sundys wurkin on the hillbilly dickshunairy. i jes put up the latest edishun. thay wuz a fella name of Dhawk cum by suggestin i put in the wurd bawl, so i dun it. ifn ye wonta suggest wurds fer the hillbilly dickshunairy, put it into a comment over thar or drop me a email. twood git yer name on the dickshunairy.

Friday, February 27, 2004

ole ritin of buddy don:a few pomes writ while me n emily wuz in west germany

durin our year in west germany, i tride lack crazy to git a nuther novel goin. i still have a few notebooks full of the scribblin i wuz a'doin. dont seem to me lack thays much of innythang wurth keepin in em. thang is, i also scribbled down sum pomes, witch at the time i dint thank nuthin of em, but now they look bettern mos innythang else i writ in them days.

heres one:

To build a fire in the heart hot enoughTo burn whatever else was in it,Set it near another heartAnd let it yearn.

Each day at four he takes the NileDown to his office whereHis servants carve a giant smileTo pasteUpon his sad white face.

His wife can only see it upside down:She sees him locked inside a narrow frown.But he feels wider than the Aswan Dam,And when they ask his name, he says, "I am."

n thisn makes a nuff fer today:

She yearns to touch him with her gentle handsTo reach him with her hopeful heartBut she gets burnedAnd turnsTo her good friend—who takes her part,And helps her as she calculates the sandsThat spill when statues fall apart.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

brane of buddy don:mri results

on the one hand, tiz a cumfert to know i got a brane, witch ye kin see thars sumthin n my hed beside a pair of eyes. on tuther, twill be a struggle to figger out whut could be causin them migraines. ifn ye ever seen mri results, then ye know thays a hole slew of pitchers, witch whut ye see below is jes 4 outta bout 100. heres a cuple mug shots, furst strate on n then rite profile.

tiz a lil grusum to thank about, but in the top 2 pitchers, at the verr bottom is my eyes.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

life of buddy don, chaptur 108:feelin rite at home

once classes cummenced fer the sprang, seemed lack me n emily finely gut the swang of thangs. fer one thang, we wuz bof takin classes in english. fer a nuther, we had larnt that i had been ackcepted to utk graduwait skool in english with a teachin assistuntship n she had gut a teachin assistuntship fer the secunt year of her masters program. we had finely sussed out the way the west german holidays wurked, witch till then we had us sum awful hungry times on a counta not stockin up on food when a three day weekend wuz a'cummin up.

but the mane thang that made everthang better wuz our good friend frieda muller. she wuz a skinny thang with skoliosis whar her backbone wuznt all that strate. her sister erika had the same thang. she had her the purtiest brownish red hair n a smile that wood melt the coldest hart. she n emily tuck up a friendship the lack of witch ye dont often see betwixt two folks frum such differnt cultchurs. they bofem lacked to smoke a lot, so sum evenins they wood go out while i lay aroun the apartment readin.

fack is, once i had quit trine to do sumthin significunt in flossofy, everthang got real good. thay wuznt minny people on the planet that lacked to read as much as me n emily did n once we knew whut we wuz a'gonna do whenever we gut back to knoxvull, well, we figgerd the rest of the time in frankfurt am main wuz more or less of a bonus. so ifn frieda wuznt gittin us to go off with her sumwhars lack heidelberg or würzburg or wertheim, we wood lay roun the house readin out loud to each other or jes readin in the same room together. we gut to whar thay wuznt hardly a book in the englische bibliotek that we hadnt dun red or tride to read. we even red sum folks we probly never wooda give much time, norman mailer fer instunts, witch emily woodnt read no more of him after the mane character in an amurkin dream killt his wife in the furst chaptur, or all of philip roths books or ever thang bernard malamud or saul bellow had writ up till then. corse we red sum of the big sellers of the time lack the worl accordin to garp by john irving n then once we sorta lacked thatn, we red up everthang else he had writ.

but manely, we let frieda show us her cuntry n twuz a wonderful thang to see thru her eyes. she tuck us to die residenz in würzburg, witch twuz one of the mos amazin sites we had ever seen. everthang inside wuz dun up in a style they call baroke. thay wuz more gold n ornaments n purty stuff in each one of them rooms than ye could hardly take in. one of the mos amazin thangs bout it wuz this long staircase in the middle of a huge room. the steps wuz barly three inches hi, so twuz a long walk to git frum on level to the nex. thay wuz a guide thar that splained how whenever die residenz wuz ackshly bein used by the church figgers that lived thar, mos folk that gut to visit wuz so fat they could barly climb inny stairs. twuz the furst time innybidy splained how twuz cunsidderd sexy to be a lil on the fat side on a counta twuz a sine ye wuz gittin a nuff to eat, witch dint everbidy git that.

n she innerduced us to all her friens, witch that hepped us larn a lot more german on a counta how sum of em figgerd we should speak the langwage of the land we lived in. we wood have long evenins in sum kneipe, witch thats a bar in english ceptn we dont use em lack fambly places in amurka the way they dun in west germany. folks treated drankin a lil differnt, lease in 1980 in west germany. ye could go to a lokal or kneipe n spend the hole evenin playin cards n mayhap ye wood buy a cuple of beers. nobidy wood shoo ye out. fack is, ye couldnt hardly git into no german homes on a counta folk wood generly meet up in sum such place.

twuz in such a place i wuz told sumthin that i never fergut. thay musta been fifteen or twenty of us all a sittin on a long table drankin beer n eatin our dinner. by then emily wuz happy to sit over by frieda n let frieda do the talkin fer her, witch i wood sit amungst folk that lacked to speak german. so twuz that i wuz sittin with the guys at one end of the table while the ladies wuz at tuther end. we wuz arguin over why english wuz a better langwage fer rock n roll, witch one of them germans sed that german wuznt no good fer rock n roll on a counta it bein too umständlich, witch wurd fer wurd that means stand-around-ish but in english ye put it down as pedantick.

we wuz a'goin purty good whenever a nuther feller cum in. he could here rite away that i wuznt no german, so he ast whar wuz i frum. i splained how i wuz frum tennessee, witch i had to splain how twuz in amurka n wuznt near california or texas or miami or new york, witch at that time, them wuz the main places yer average german seemed to know mos about. innywho, twuz a sprize whenever the feller sed he couldnt bleeve no amurkin could speak german thataway. i tole him how it had been a real struggle to git much of innythang fer the furst three munths, but after that, seemed lack i could more or less git whut wuz a'goin on.

he laffed n splained how ifn ye wonted a langwage, twuz a simple matter. ye git ye a lover n three munths later, ye gut the langwage. everbidy laffed. they gut to splainin how diffent ones of em had dun larnt czech or polish or french usin jes that method.

innywho, frieda wuz the furst person to invite us into her home n fack is, she wuz thonly one ceptn she gut us invited into a nuther home fer a party n then out to a cuntry place fer a house party.

but havin us over to her house wuz the real honor. corse, she had to doot whenever her parnts wuz out. we went over n had the typickull evenin meal of fresh bread n cheeses n cold cuts n butter n jam, that kinda thang. corse, we had us sum wine with it. twuz a grate evenin. they wuz rich folk, had em a indoor swimmin pool n a lil gym area whar the gurls wuz spozed to wurk on gittin thar backs to straten up. twuz funny to here em splain everthang they had in thar lack twuz a meedevil tortchur chamber. fer instunts, they called one of em the blutkopf folterung, witch that meant blood hed tortchur on a counta twuz a pair of boots they wuz spozed to put on sos they could dangle with thar heds down, witch the idee wuz how twood let thar backs git strate. then erika wonted us to splain sum of the lyrics to musick she lacked, witch her favert wuz joan armatrading. we also had to listn to the wall by pink floyd, witch i lacked em purty good up till wish ye wuz here but animulls n the wall never quite dun it fer me. but we had us a grate time n frieda insisted on drivin us home.

aint no way to tell ever good thang frieda dun fer us. mane thang wuz, thanks to the way she tuck us here n thar, the way she kep in touch with emily everday, the way she wuz the bes kind of friend, all that made it seem lack we had dun the rite thang whenever we cum to west germany. i aint sayin we wuznt homesick, but we wuz also gittin to whar we felt rite at home to whar twuz a shock to real eyes we had only a few months left.

fresh content: it needs to be fresh, meanin that mos everday thays new thangs to read.

originull: it caint be a site that violates copyright as a reglar matter.

variety of topic n/or point of view: it needs to have sum variety toot, meanin i dont generly add mire one-note blogs.

well-writ: sum (or all) of the ritin has got to be good.

this week i wonta add a cuple of other criteria bout whut makes a blog a goodn:

well-designed: thays sumthin cumpellin bout lookin at a verr well-designed blog. a cuple of eggzamples that probly everbidy knows is Calpundit n Talking Points Memo by Joshua Micah Marshall. they look to me lack the coulda been designed by perfeshnuls, witch far as i know they wuz, but ifn ye take a look, ye kin see whut passes fer nice to this hillbilly.

ritin that gits close to literchur: aint nuthin much i lack inny bettern real good ritin. thays a few out thar thats gittin purty close to whut i thank of as literchur. i mentchuned the fine ritin marcia is puttin on her site name of purls before swine las week n i plan to innerduce a nuthern this week.

OH ... REALLY?this site blongs to LissaKay n to my eyes, tiz a lil bit of a treat. i dont know near a nuff bout how ye kin cuntrol yer template the way she duz, but i plan to larn sumday. the site is a lil on the busy side n i wood lack to see it git updated a lot more often. but the overall concep n color n pitcher is rite nice. the layout makes it easy to read n yer eyes dont git tired. she uses movebull type. heres how she splained her move to a new server.

OLD CATMAN'S BRAIN FARTScorse, i half to add mitt rite out that this blog could be labeled a 'one-noter' on a counta how it takes a verr strong stand, but whut i lack bout it is the amazin humor. ye dont find much of innythang as caustic as this fellers wit. but whut i lack is the overall ransom note feel of it. this old catman guy knows more tricks bout animayshun n clever ways of puttin thangs than i could ever hope to larn. i wood lank to sum eggzamples of his wurk, but i cant git his permalanks to wurk fer me. warnin: this site aint fer everbidy. ye could git yer feelins hurt n sum folks mite thank ole catman steps over the line now n then, but thats whut good arts spozed to do: disturb the calm n calm the disturbed. read it ifn ye dare!

Sugarfuseddid i ever menthun how thay aint much in life i lack bettern good ritin? this here site aint devoted to pall ticks. it dont have no axe to grind. tiz more of a personal blog, but whut makes it speshul in my pinion is debs abilty to rite haiku. ye dont git one everday, tho i look, but when ye do, she almos never misses. fack is, i aint found a miss yet, but i don't doubt how thar could be one. shes also technicully astute: her series of articulls on firefox cunvints me to try mozilla firefox 0.8. corse, taint a purrfeck solushun, witch ye kin larn more bout the possibull problems here. i aint had no problems with mine yet.

Monday, February 23, 2004

life of buddy don, chaptur 107:three amurkin jokes

them trips to london n paris cum durin the brake between semesters. by the time we wuz reddy to go back, emily had dun cunvintsed me that thay wuznt no need to keep pertendin i wuz a'gonna git much of innythang out of a flossofy class. so we sined up fer the same classes, all of em in english fer the mos part n all of em bout langwage or literchur.

by this time we had been thar long a nuff to unnerstan sum of the jokes that wuz tole bout amurkins. we gut to here plenty of them jokes whenever we tuck add vantage of a trip to berlin a bunch of german banks put together fer all the forn students. we had dun visted berlin fer new years, witch we spent near dm600 fer that trip, but thisn wuz a lot longer bein fer six days n only cost us dm60. they put us up in a nice hotel thar on kant straße rite round the corner frum kurfurstendamm, witch twuz the center of west berlin at that time n folks called it the europa center. ye could git a real idee of whut had gone on thar on a counta how they had em a burnt out church name of kaiser-wilhelm gedachtnis kirche, witch thay wuz two towers toot, one a burnt out shell, tuthern a modern piece of arkateckchur that they wuz usin lack a museum.

we gut on a bus that tuck us to berlin early in the mornin in march of 1980. on that bus with us wuz all them other forn students that had tuck the same trip, n in amung em wuz a cuple frum amurka that we hadnt never met before. ye mite could thank we wooda been quick to make friens with em, but by then we had hung roun with everbidy but amurkins till sum of the jokes we wuz tole gut to hurtin to whar we wuznt eager to be the butt of em.

furst amurkin joke:whut duz yer avridge amurkin do to be unnerstood whenever they run into sumbidy that dont unnerstan english?THEY START HOLLERIN THANGS IN ENGLISH REAL LOUD.

i member the day i furst herd thisn. it hurt a lil on a counta i hadnt run into too minny amurkins n i hated folks to thank we wuz that rude. we knew thay wuz a slew of amurkins thar on a counta darmstadt had em a base full of soljers.

shore a nuff, not two days after i herd that joke, i wuz standin one of them lil carts whar ye could buy a wurst n pommes frites n a peece of bread n a co cola all fer dm2. in frunt of me wuz a woman that ye could tell wuz frum amurka on a counta she wuz wearin a pair of stretch pants that wuz a cuple sizes too small n her hair wuz all puffed up n colord a shade of orange ye dont see on human heds all that often. she had dun orderd the same thang i wuz waitin to order, witch the wurst wuz a sausage n pommes frites wuz short fer pommes de terre frites, witch wurd fer wurd that means apples of the earth fried on a counta in french ye call taters apples of the earth, but we call em french fried taters.

thang ye mite not speck is how ifn ye wuz to buy ye sum pomme frit in west germany at that time (n mayhap now -- debbie? kin ye enliten us?) ye wood git a big ole paper cone filled with hot fries n coverd with a heapin heppin of mayonaze. fur as me n emily could tell, mos ever german lacked it thataway. as ye know, i had dun larnt how french fries could go jes fine with blue cheese back whenever i gut my furst job at bobs big boy restrunt so twernt such a awful sprize that folks wood eat em with mayonaze, lease not fer me. but fer that lady twuz lack they had dun set out to insult her. she gut to screamin her fool orange hed near off bout how stupid them germs wuz to give her french fries with mayonaze. dint they know twuz proper to put ketchup on em?

she had dun razed her voice purty good to whar ye could probly here her frum sachenshausen, but twuznt a'wurkin on a counta the folks stuck in that lil cart fryin up wursts n pomme frit jes dint speak no english nor unnerstan it much even ifn twuz hollerd real loud. ifn i hadnt been so hungry n pore a nuff that i only had the two marks, i probly wooda walked away, but i figgerd i wood hep the woman sos i could git my order in. i splained to the folk whut twuz she wonted, witch ye wood thank twuznt much of a sprize fer them sellin the wursts, but the ackted lack twuz jes as strange to have ketchup on taters as havin mayonaze on em seemed to that woman. after that the woman wonted to know wood i go shoppin with her on a counta her method of hollerin english to folks that dint unnerstan whut she wonted wuznt wurkin much of innywhar. i tole her i wuz too busy, gut my food n went off to the amerikanische bibliotek, witch that wuz whar me n emily made our home on campus once i had give up on studyin flossofy thar.

twuz quite a differnts once we wuz takin classes in english. in them flossofy classes, i always felt lack the lowest of the low, lack i dint hardly know whut wuz a'goin on even whenever i did on a counta i couldnt make my points in german befor sumbidy else tuck over n tride to splain whut they thought i wuz a'fixin to say or even whut i shoulda been a'sayin. but in them classes in english, thay wuznt no better eggspurt in the langwage than either emily or me, so we tuck to heppin out the teechur, witch he wuz a man name of herr hauptmann n he could speak purty good english but always ackted lack he dint know nuthin compard to me n emily.

thang wuz, he had im a lil gurl name of elise bout three years old. he had marrd a french woman n gut a english nanny to take care of the child, witch whut we found mos amazin bout elise wuz how she could speak all three langwages jes fine, dint mix em, but as far as ye could tell, dint know she wuz speakin three differnt langwages. i member one time we wuz in the post offus n sumbidy had dropped a stamp, witch in german ye call a stamp die briefmarke. thays a slew of rules ye gut to use to figger when ye use the wurd fer 'the,' witch tiz either 'die,' 'das' or 'der,' to refer to them stamps accordin to how minny ye gut n whuts bein dun with em or to em or whutever. corse them rules fits rite in with rules guvernin how ye use yer 'ein,' 'eine,' n 'einen' thangs as well. tiz part of the misry of trine to master german. innywho, along cum elise to pick up the stamp on the floor n she hollers out, 'hier is eine!' i had to add mitt feelin a lil envyus bout how she could do that on a counta how twuz so hard fer me n emily jes to member the lease thang bout witch form or ein ye use.

whenever ye see sumthin lack that lil gurl, it makes ye wunder bout sum thangs. tiz purty easy to figger whut a person wonts whenever yer face to face with em, but thays times when it seems lack tuther side dont wonta git whut yer sayin. fer instunts, whenever we wuz in paris, me n emily stopped at a place fer sum food n deecided we wood have us a nanner split fer deessert. we knew thay wuznt no way we could eat one each, so we figgerd we wood order one n ast fer two of them long spoons ye normly git to eat such thangs. the garçon that wuz our waiter brung us the nanner split n one spoon. i picked up the spoon n pointed toot n held up two fangers. he looked at me lack i wuz cumplainin that the spoon wuz dirty. i pointed to myself n did a charade of eatin n then pointed to emily n dun the same. but no matter whut kinda sine langwage i used, that thar garçon wuz not gonna unnerstan. so i held out the spoon tords him lack twuz a sword till he wuz backin up. i backed him into the corner whar they kep thar silver n gut me a nuther spoon. i pointed to the two spoons n held up two fangers. he turnt away.

corse, i reckon ifn i coulda gut emily to use a lil of her french on the fella we mite coulda had a quicker result, but she dint much lack usin innythang but english, witch that meant we wood wurk conversayshuns thisaway. ifn they could speak english, then emily wood speak english to em. they could anser back in german n she woodnt have no problem, but she wuznt a'gonna risk bein makin a miss take with her german. ifn they couldnt unnerstan her german, then she wood take the questchun n kindly nudge me in the ribs a lil with her elbow, witch that meant i should splain whut her anser wuz. i could generly guess it purty good tho we did have a cuple fuss n fites over how i dint know whut she wood wonta say n i sed the rong thang.

but even so, woodnt ye thank a person that wuz wurkin in a tourist shop thar in paris france wood know jes a nuff english to git sumbidy a second spoon? it shores seemed thataway to us. corse, ifn thats the case, how kin ye splain this. whenever we wuz cummin back frum paris on that trip, they cum roun to check our tickets n fer sum reason, they gut to squawkin thar french bout sumthin. we ackted ever bit as smart n hepful as that garçon had dun us n even offerd to speak german, witch woodnt ye speck the ticket-taker on the train twixt paris n frankfurt to larn im a lil german jes in case? but nary a one of them fellas that cum along splainin whutever twuz in french could unnerstan a wurd of english or german. finely thay found em a woman frum india who could speak english, french n german besides hindi. she splaind to us how we had to pay a nuther $25 each on a counta twuz a speshul train. we tride to show how we had dun paid it, but thay wuznt nobidy takin our side, so we give em a nuther hunnert bucks.

taint much of a joke, but twuz apt. whenever we wuz arguin bout pall ticks, witch thats whut we dun as often as not lessn we wuz amung friends, twood be one of the furst thangs folks wood pull out. turnt out we amurkins dint git much respeck on a counta we wuz purty much ignernt of whut wuz a'goin on in the worl outside of amurka. so we cum over to a place with our ways of doin thangs n try to git everbidy to do the way we do whuther or not tiz sumthin innybidy thar is reddy fer or wonts. they wood give eggzamples lack the shah of iran n how we tride to git them iranians to modernize, witch lots of folks figgerd twuz to git em to ack n thank jes lack amurkins.

shore a nuff, them two amurkins on that trip wuz jes thataway. i gut good at the eggspresshun, 'wir haben nicht hören können,' on a counta them usin it so much. all of us forn students wuz on the same bus n they wuz takin us round to see thangs lack whar hitler hung up his enemies with piano wire or whar potsdammer platz wuz or checkpoint charley or a museum full of thangs frum egypt. they wood be late cummin back to the bus n then they wood be jes chatterin away in the back while the tour guide wuz splainin sumthin new. purty soon they wood catch on n furst thang that fella wood say wuz, 'wir haben nicht hören können.' so everbidy wood git to here the hole splainayshun all over agin. i kep thankin mayhap sumbidy mite tell them two that joke, but i reckon everbidy else wuz havin too much fun. it gut to whar as soon as that fella razed his hand, folks wood git reddy to laff.

twuz a shame really on a counta how our guide wuz jes loded with informayshun n seemed lack we wuznt gittin near as much as we could since she had to splain so minny thangs twice. her name wuz fräulein astrid müller n we wood git to know her a lil better on a counta she had applied fer a d-a-a-d n gut a fullbright to study at nun other than utk! once she found out bout how we wuz frum thar, she give us speshul treatment n we promissed we wood hep her git settled in whenever she gut to amurka.

innywho, that trip wuz a nuther lesson in how thangs dont look to nobidy else the way they duz to us amurkins. thay wuz a passel of greeks thar n thay purty much gut the party goin ever evenin. branimir wuz thar, so he kep purty close to us. thay wuz a woman frum finland name of marketta, witch thang bout her wuz how she spoke grate german n english besides finnish n russian. she n emily gut to be good friends that trip.

i cant count the conversayshuns bout how twuz amurka that wuz the biggest evil in the worl. ever time i herd that i ast whut bout the soviets? n ever time folks wood say they wuz trine to be as bad as the amurkins but jes dint have the resources. we wood ast whut they meant by that, but fack wuz, we dint know near as much as they did bout thangs lack cyprus or israel or amurkin troops in germany or ships in the persian gulf or indian ocean or bases all over the worl. they kep astin us whuther we wood lack to have bases with forn troops over in amurka, bases that wuz put thar whuther the local folk wonted em or not. twuznt sumthin we could magine, but i cant hep but thank twoodnt go over verr good. n they wonderd how we could talk bout nuclear proliferayshun when we wuz thonly ones ever to use such a weppon n since thay wuznt nobidy that had as minny as we did.

but thay wuz a fella thar that saw thangs our way, kindly. his name wuz winston churchill ngowa n he cum frum tanzania in africa. he had dun been to skool in berkeley n had wurked a spell in moscow n spent sum time at oxford in england. now ye mite thank africans wood be maddes of all at the usa, but twuznt so with this fella. as he put it, the one place in the worl whar the black man (as he put it) has dun made it is in amurka. he mentchuned mohammed ali n sports figgers n entertainers n even thurgood marshall. he dint speak german verr well, so he gut to sittin in the english seckshun of the bus load, witch that included marketta n branimir n emily n me. the amurkin cuple wuznt innerested in innythang the group wuz a'doin n they purty much kep to tharselves.

innywho, we gut to be friends with winston. he splained a lot of thangs bout sub-saharan africa to us. he sed ye could tell a lot bout africa by unnerstandin whut folks wuz hopin to becom, witch he splained that thisaway: ifn ye draw a line rite down the middle of africa, everbidy in the west half wood wonta be french n everbidy in the east half wood wonta be a english gentleman. n all of em wood wish they could git to amurka. twuz a bit of a sprize to here, but i half to add mitt, we lacked larnin it. we gut to be purty good friends with winston.

whenever we wuz cummin back home they put us on the train fer sum reason. we gut to sittin with a fella frum germany that had dun studied in moscow n knew a lot bout how thangs wuz behind the iron curtain. he spoke verr good english n when we ast him why, he sed twuz obveeus to him that the worl langwage wuz english n everbidy needed to face facks n larn it. twuz a reglar eggspreshun: face facks n larn!

fer instunts, he sed, yer germans needed to face facks bout how thay wuznt noway the res of the worl wuz a'gonna let thar be a united germany ever agin. twood be too powerful fer europe. sides, he figgerd bof the soviets n the amurkins wonted to make shore that ifn thay wuz a nuther war to cum along, the germans wood be killin each other furst thang. face facks n larn!

then he sed he dint figger the soviets wuz really as scary as everbidy sed. he splained the concep of the potemkin village, witch we hadnt never herd thatn befor. he sed twuz a sad thang how the amurkins wuz so ignernt bout the res of the worl. he figgerd ifn we knew the facks, we woodnt be so skeerd of them soviets on a counta twuznt no way they wuz keepin up with amurka. face facks n larn!

so we ast him did he thank that meant the wall wuz ever a'gonna cum down. he dint thank so. but whut ifn it did? whut if the wall cum down fer say a week. dint he figger everbidy wood eggscape frum the east during that week? he laffed at the idee. no, he dint thanks so. he figgerd mos folks wood cum over fer a day or so to visit relatives n do sum shoppin. then they wood go back home to the comfert of knowin they had jobs n health care n educayshun. face facks n larn!

then he tole us a nuther joke bout amurkins.

third amurkin joke:thay wuz three fellas travelin by trane, one frum france, one frum ussr n one frum germany. the fella frum france pulls out a bottle of sum champane. tiz a fine vintage n everbidy is impressd. he throws it out the winder n sez, we gut so much champane in my cuntry that we kin throw it way. the fella frum ussr pulls out sum vodka, a fine make n throws it out the winder, splainin how they gut so much good vodka in his cuntry that they kin throw it away. they turn to look at the german. he holds up an amurkin.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

skolarship of buddy don:hillbilly dickshunairy

i put up a new website to take keer of the hillbilly dickshunairy. i wuz gonna try to make it a statick site that i wood up date reglar, but twuz a problem figgern how to doot, so i put up a brand new site name of http://dickshunairy.blogspot.com on a counta how i kin jes put the hole new edishun of the dickshunairy as a new post each time i update it, witch i dun it twicet now. tiz up to 628 hillbilly wurds defined, all based on buddy dons use of the dialeck. thays a place fer commints at the bottom of each edishun ifn ye wonta make inny.

yesterdy evenin me n miz bd went down to see ifn we could pick us out a nuther sangle malt scotch whiskey to try. we have plenty of the talisker lef, but we figgerd twood be nice to git a lil colleckshun of em n see kin we tell witchn we lacks the bes. the talisker wood be hard to beat, so we consulted with a nuther frien of ourn, witch i dun writ bout him gittin sum cultchur with us one nite. he wuz of a mind we should give sum bowmore a try, so we went down n foun sum bowmore mariner aged fifteen year fer sale n bought a bottle fer $43.

twood be a nice evenin on a counta how sumbidy speshul wuz a'cummin to have dinner with us, witch we wuz celebratin how sed sumbidy gut her a book deal n i had a birthdy a lil while back n far as i wuz concernd, we coulda jes been celebratin how i wuznt havin no hedache. innywho, sed sumbidy promissed to cum over on the ferry sos we could go down to the madison bar n grill.

whenever she gut to our place we ast her did she wont a lil of that sangle malt n she allowd as how she woodnt mind givin it a taste. so we had us each a lil of it neat with sum water nearby. twuz a much more cumplex likker than the talisker, witch the talisker has a more misteryas taste toot in my pinion. but we lacked the bowmore purty good:

smell: twuz a cumplex amalgum of smells with a lil fruit n a lil smoke n a lil of that peat smell. twuz rite suttle.

taste: lack the talisker, twuz sumthin unlack inny uther taste, even the talisker. twuz a lil on the sweet side to bof me n miz bd.

effeck: seem lack thisn gits ye into the talkative mood whar the talisker makes ye wonta pick up yer instermint n pick a lil. we dint play no musick atall with thisn, but mayhap twuz the differnt dynamick of havin three folks in the room. the conversayshun wuz grate, but ye kindly speck that whenever ye git a visit frum sumbidy speshul.

ifn i had to pick twixt em, i reckon twood be the talisker, but the nice thang is, we gut sum of bofem now n were still countin them blessins.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

pinions of buddy don:countin blessins

sumtimes the wurst luck kin turn out to be the best, only tiz hard to tell at the time. i lack to member that whenever im goin thru a ruff patch in life. ye gut to member that thangs aint never as good or as bad as they seem.

mayhap the bes eggzample of this in my life cums frum that famus day, 9/11. the lil cumpny i wurked in wuz goin thru sum tuff times. we wuz a lil dot.com place. we placed consultunts on wall street or did trainin n such. durin the 90s, this lil cumpny wuz growin grate guns till they gut em sum space down in the finanshul districk bout two blocks east of them trade towers. they had em plenty of room on a counta they figgerd they wood conduck trainin fer incumin wall street analsts, witch seemed lack at the time thay wuz a slew of money to be made in that trade.

thangs gut to turnin whenever the bubble burst, witch i wuz watchin fer the bubble but never seen it once even tho i wuz down on wall street ever day. but burst it did, n the bizness turnt. them wall street firms figgerd thay wuznt no reason to pay to use the cumpnys site since they could squeeze into thar own. so thangs went south n the money quit porin in till the rent on that place gut to be a huge burden fer the lil cumpny. fack is, thangs had turned to whar the cumpny figgerd twood half to give up the space.

twuz a sad thang to deecide. i wuz down thar everday n twuz a grate job. mayhap my commute wuz the bes part. i wood walk downtown n our lil town here in new jersy n take the ferry, witch thay wuz one that went rite to the world finanshul center. i wood generly have my cd player on n could stand out on the frunt deck of the ferry, kindly ridin the waves.

twuz a site to see, the green water of the hudson estuary filled with ferry boats n oil tankers n barges n tug boats n such. n how the air wuz full of thangs, jets in the distunts n helicopters in the foreground with reglar commuter planes tracin up the hudson. sumtimes ye wood git ye a jet liner cummin rite up the middle of the hudson on the way to la guardia airport n dont seem lack tiz all that hi up thar.

n corse, durin the hole ride yer gittin closer n closer to that famus skyline, southwesturn facade of wall street, a gentle progresshun of bildins, each one a lil taller than the las, one of em lookin lack a pyramid, a beeyootiful rise endin in them two massive towers. twood be eggcitin ridin that ferry with bill monroe pickin away while takin in the view n the ocean smell of the mornin n jes ridin the wave up n down, witch they wood git that ferry to jumpin in the wakes of them other boats n sumtimes ye wood even git splashed.

then whenever ye gut out, ye had to walk rite thru them bildins, frum the world finanshul center to them towers n then thru em. i dun it ever day.

we also had us a fella placed at a grate firm rite down in thar but he wuz young n reckless n no matter how ye tride to larn him to ropes of makin yerself indeespensibull n not leap froggin yer boss n not gittin involved with no woman thar period, he wood do stoopid thangs till they figgerd the dint need him no more. his wurkin hours had been frum 10 am till 8 or 9 or 10 or whenever. so he wood git thar ever day round 9 am n eat his brakefuss down in that mall they had underneath of them towers. but that wall street firm let him go whenever his contrack wuz up n his las day wuz august 31. twuz thonly placement we ever lost thataway.

but lack i writ, our luck turnt n bizness fell till we had to give up our space. it seemed such a setback at the time. but twuz a blessin on a counta we had to move out on the las day of august.

on a counta that, that fella we had placed wuznt down in that thar mall whenever that furst plane hit. on a counta that, i wuznt walkin thru them towers whenever that furst plane hit. mayhap i wooda got out ok. i lack to thank so. but twooda made that awful day a thousand times wurser fer everbidy i know on a counta that wuznt no way to git wurd out whuther ye wuz ok or not.

durin this lil patch of trubles with these migraine hedaches, i keep memberin that. yesterdy wuz a good day. i noticed long bout 5:30 in the afternoon that i had been so caught up in the flow of wurk to whar i dint even know whut time twuz. i had my usual energy n speed. i wuznt hurtin no whar.

when ye thank bout it, twuz a state i had been in ten thousand times befor, only i hadnt never noticed how good it felt till that last patch of migraines. so im countin my blessins, happy that i aint a'hurtin nun this mornin.

mayhap this evenin me n miz bd'll pick us out a secunt brand of sangle malt scotch whiskey. the talisker we tride las week wuz a dee-lite, witch tiz lack life on a counta ye gut to enjoy it while ye kin.

Friday, February 20, 2004

magine ye gut sumbidy whos cumplainin of stabbin hedaches, so bad they make it impossibull fer that person to do innythang cept lie in bed n wate em out. whut ye gonna do fer im? well, ye git him to remoov all metal objecks frum his bidy n ye stick his hed in a lil lockin deevice to make shore it dont move n ye scoot the hed into a narrow metal tube. then ye subjeck the hed to verr loud rythmick clangin sounds fer half past ferever, witch the tecknishun lies to ye bout how twuz only half a hour.

whut do ye thank is a'gonna happen? that person is lackly to cum out with his hed rangin, feelin a lil lack a migraine is about to cum back.

shore a nuff, twuz whut happend to me. i ast them mri folk whut wuz nex n they sed i could go. ye kindly speck em to tell ye sumthin bout whut the mri showed, but they wont. n corse they wuz runnin behind, so i wuz back to wurk near 9:45, a lil later than i had hoped. then bit by bit, the stabbin pains gut goin. i had a series of meetins yesterdy at 2, 3, and 4. i wuz hurtin durin the 2 o'clock, but not terrbull. the 3 o'clock meetin wuz mine with my 'direck reports.' we gut goin purty good n then at a sartin point, i real eyesd how i wuznt herin nuthin n sumhow my hed wuz down on the table n it felt lack sumbidy had a ice pick stuck rite in my lef eye. i looked up, n one of my guys sed, 'Boss, even I can see you're changing color, and I'm color blind. Go home!' the res of the crew agreed that they wood do the wurk i wuz collecktin frum em n they sent me home.

i made it by walkin with my eyes near closed betwixt stabs n then jes standin by the sidewalk when i couldnt see nuthin fer the pane till i gut to the bus n then gut home. miz bd tuck my temperchur n blood preshure jes to be sartin. we have a frien who jes attended a funeral of a frien of his who wuz ok on a fridy n ded on a mundy frum meningitis, so miz bd is watchin fer inny sine. the frien of the frien wuz jes 54 year old n im jes 52.

miz bd wuz pleezed with my 'vitals' on a counta the bp wuz 100 over 60 n the temp wuz 97.8. so i tuck this new kinda migraine medicine the docter give me, sum stuff name of zomig, witch twuz a lot bettern tuther medicine name of frova on a counta how it dint seem to make me feel so ded. she waited a lil n tuck the bp agin on a counta one of the side effecks is how it kin raze yer bp. thay wuznt no change.

so i wuz able to git thru the evenin n thonly bad part is how i woke up wide awake roun 2 am n couldnt sleep. red a lil till maybe 3:30 n then went back to bed. dint wake up this mornin till near 6 am, witch tiz my goal to stay in bed till 4 am ever mornin only i almos never make it. jes tuck two migraine strangth excedrin, hopin to skeer off innythang bad that mite wonta cum along.

so my goals is gittin smaller than they wuz. i aint wurried bout whuther i kin rite a chaptur ever mornin. i aint wurried bout whuther i kin impress nobidy at wurk. i aint wurried bout whuther i git my way on how projecks run. im down to a verr simple wurry, witch rite now i jes wonta make it thru the hole day without a nuther hedache.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

medicull examinayshuns of buddy don:mri of brane stem

i cant rite much today on a counta i half to leeve early to git to a mri to find out whuther the migraines last week wuz really migraines. they have dun evolved from a vomiting migraine that the docter called 'male patturn migraine' to 'cluster hedaches.' the docter sez they always lack to do a cat scan or mri jes to make sure taint sumthin else rong, witch me n miz bd is hopin thay aint lessn tiz sumthin easy to fix.

we had the civil rights movement that wuz gonna make thangs lack 'colord only' drankin fountains n black folk sittin in the back of the bus (without choice) a thang of the past n would even let black folk go to places lack the flagship univesty of tennessee, witch utk allowd black undergraduwaits fer the furst time in 1961. folks wuz marchin in the streets about civil rights n change wuz in the air.

ever time ye herd a bunch of jets goin overhead, ye had to wonder whuther twuz the start of the nuclear war, witch the lucky ones had bomb shelters.

"The threat that has riveted their attention is this: Global warming, rather than causing gradual, centuries-spanning change, may be pushing the climate to a tipping point. Growing evidence suggests the ocean-atmosphere system that controls the world's climate can lurch from one state to another in less than a decade—like a canoe that's gradually tilted until suddenly it flips over. Scientists don't know how close the system is to a critical threshold. But abrupt climate change may well occur in the not-too-distant future. If it does, the need to rapidly adapt may overwhelm many societies—thereby upsetting the geopolitical balance of power.

Though triggered by warming, such change would probably cause cooling in the Northern Hemisphere, leading to longer, harsher winters in much of the U.S. and Europe. Worse, it would cause massive droughts, turning farmland to dust bowls and forests to ashes. Picture last fall's California wildfires as a regular thing. Or imagine similar disasters destabilizing nuclear powers such as Pakistan or Russia—it's easy to see why the Pentagon has become interested in abrupt climate change."

ifn ye put this together with sum of tuther changes we gut goin on rite now, ye kin almos git that same sixties feel:

same sex marriages are brakin out in theory in massashusetts n in practice in san francisco lack crazy, witch that kindly reminds me of how folks wuz so scared bout integrayshun on a counta thangs wuz changin too fast -- besides, as twuz put to me, wood ye wont yer sister marryin one? [anser: depends on whuther she wuz in luv.] as ye kin see, change is in the air.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

revus of buddy don:three of my favert blogs

tiz tuesdy n i plan to start usin my tuesdy bloggin time fer revues of blogs. i figgerd i wood start by sheddin a lil lite on three blogs that i read everday. i have a longer lis n mayhap ill wurk thru em all. befor i start, heres sum thangs i look fer in a blog:

fresh content: it needs to be fresh, meanin that mos everday thays new thangs to read

originull: it caint be a site that violates copyright as a reglar matter: sum folks bleevs that long as they dont make no money offn thar site, then they aint violaytin copyright law by puttin thangs that dont belong to em on thar sites, thangs lack pitchers n comics n even hole articulls that they scrounged frum thar scavenger hunts roun the web; sum of em put sumthin they stole frum sumbidy else on thar sites mos everday. tiz my policy not to read such sites ifn i kin stay away. i figger that ifn folks cant even respeck the law n common courtesy tords the creator of such content, then taint lackly theyll have sumthin to say i wood respeck.

variety of topic n/or point of view: it needs to have sum variety toot: sum blogs is one-note blogs, generly them thats bout pall ticks. ye kin find em on eethur side of the spectrum, them that jes purty much looks fer ways to repeat rnc spin or them that speshulizes in findin new ways to say they dont lack the president. ye dont never speck nuthin sprizin frum such sites n fer the mos part, ifn ye kin do the lease lil bit of parody, ye kin perdick whut thar gonna say. btw, one of the easies ways to make a comicull care ackter that wont nobidy take serious is to make one that is jes one dimensional, kindly lack yer wile e. coyote, who cant do nuthin but chase n miss yer roadrunner.

well-writ: sum (or all) of the ritin has got to be good.

tuther day i mentchuned one of my faverts, with thatns one called purls befor swine. i wont give it much attenchun today since i dun give it sum tuther day, but it has mos everthang i lack in a blog: tiz updated at least four times a week, sumtimes more; tiz totally originull, dedicated purty much to knittin (witch i aint innerested in knittin), but coverin topicks ye mite never speck, lack meat eatin (go to her site n scroll down to the entry name of "What, No Title? I Always Have a Title") or how lil children deals with thar noses (scroll down to "Things that Frost My Cakers"), that kind of thang. the ritin is superb. marcia has a gift with wurds, speshly puns n other forms of wurdplay, as ye kin tell jes frum the title of her blog. as ye kin see, it has the four thangs i look fer in a blog. heres three more i lack a lot:

Voluntarily in Chinathis blog blongs to a fella name of tennessee ruck. hes been livin in china now fer a few years (three?), witch hes the kind that goes fer a visit n dont cum home eggzackly whenever he mite coulda furst specktid to. hes innerested in mos everthang, so he has plenty of variety. articulls include such topicks as the real scandal of the superbowl halftime show, with an update; crazy gifts fer children; sevrul takes on the chinese holidays, such as how tiz the year of the monkey n thisn on the sprang festivul. he rites verr well. course, his topicks is verr originull on a counta thays mosly bout whar he is, witch tiz near beijing china. hes marrd to a artis he met over thar whos also a beeyootiful n talented woman, witch she makes thangs lack this tapestry. ye caint nohow perdick whut he mite rite bout on inny given day, n chantses are good twill be sumthin ye dint know bout befor. hes a lil bit of a challenge to keep up with, but ye wont regret gittin in the habit.

Straight White Guyto be cumpletely honest, i dint eggspeck to care much fer this site whenever eric joined the rocky top brigade, witch thats how i discuverd his blog. i dun spent too minny years wurkin in theater to be wurried bout whos strate n whos not. ye mite coulda read that famous joke in that book by william goldman name of the season, witch tiz a book bout ever show that opend n closed in 1967 on broadway. joke goes lack this: whut do ye git ifn ye cross a jew n a homosexual? anser: theater. i also tend to be a soshul liberal or progressive n bleev twood be bes if everbidy wuz allowed to live lack they wonta long as they aint causing nobidy no harm. so bein afraid bout how he mite coulda dun prejudged folks, i had him nearly so prejudged him my ownself that tiz a wonder i even started readin him.

SayUnclei half to add mitt, whenever i furst red mr. uncles site, i figgerd twuz one of the one-noters a la sick of bush or hobbsonline, them that ye kin almos perdick usin parody on a counta they dont never sprize ye with a new pinion, tho they kin git purty inventive with thar splainayshuns of thar own orthodocks point of view. taint that thars nuthin wurth readin thar, but the content tiz kep within sum limitin blinders.

Monday, February 16, 2004

hillbilly:i aint sayin ill ever git a chants to cumplete the hole thang, but i have dun gut a lil start on a hillbilly dickshunairy. as ye kin see ifn ye go thar, it needs wurk, but at lease tiz a start. i'll put one of em lil lank thangs on the lef sos a bidy kin git toot easy.

English:I doubt I shall have enough time left on this earth to complete a hillbilly dictionary, but I have a start. A quick perusal of the short document should convince you much work remains. I'll include a link in the sidebar to ease access.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

revus of buddy don:furst taste of sangle malt scotch whiskey

tuther day down at the likker store, miz bd n me found a empty spot on the shelf whar they keep yer jack daniel quarts, witch twuz a bit of a sprize. we wonted to try sumthin, so we mosied on over to whar thay had em sum sangle malt whiskeys frum scotland, but we couldnt cum to no deecishun on a counta thay wuz too much to choose frum with prices frum $35 up fer a sangle bottle. we settled on a bottle of black bush, witch thats a irish blended whiskey that miz bd had sum fond recolleckshuns bout frum the furst time she had it over in greece.

but we wonted to try one of them sangle malt scotches fer a few reasons. furst, we wuz marrd over in edinburgh, scotland. secunt, we each had a slew of ancestors frum scotland. n thurd, yer rocky top brigade is partly dedicated to yer sangle malt, tho i cant figger whar ye kin git one fer $20 lessn yer payin by the drank over in midtown manhattan.

so i rote a note over to eric at strate white guy astin his assistunts in the seeleckshun of a sangle malt scotch n nex thang ye know, he writ up a splainayshun bout how ye git started in a post name of 'amber nectar.' ye kin read sum of the discusshun in the comments, witch im postin my comments below.

but i wonted to say a few wurds bout likker that i dint ritely unnerstan whenever i wuz younger, witch tiz this: ever likker is differnt n taint only in the taste but also in the effeck. whenever i wuz younger, i figgerd twuz jes a way to git ye drunk sos ye could ack a fool, witch chantses are ye wuz a fool ifn ye thought that only ye wuz in plentiful cumpny. i figgerd alcohol wuz alcohol n ye drunk it to git drunk. i hadnt never noticed no differnt effeck twixt one likker or tuther. so i dint much care fer drankin till i wuz much older n larnt how ye could take jes a wee dab at a time, slow lack, sos ye could saver the effeck. i gut started once i moved to 'the city,' witch thats how folks in manhattan calls manhattan. one of the main thangs folks duz here is go out to eat, so they dun got rite good at it. they dun analyzed everthang bout eatin out n they have hole magazines devoted to the subjeck of whar ye kin eat n how ye should do it n all. corse thar analysis included the drankin of wine n other thangs n quick as i moved here, folks gut to skoolin me till i could tell the differnts twixt how ye felt frum a red or a white or even differnt flavors of em lack merlots or chiantis or pino grigiots.

then a few years ago, i tried sum jack daniels. i hadnt had nun fer near twenty years. i tuck my time with it, treatin lack twuz a fine wine, sippin it slow. twuz a dee light. twuz a differnt feel frum wine or innythang else. that jack wuznt jes a nuther deelivery system fer alcohol on a counta the feelin it deeliverd wuz differnt frum yer red wines or yer white wines or yer moonshines of whutever.

innywho, i red all of erics add vice. then me n miz bd went shoppin n cum home with sum sangle malt whiskey frum the isle of skye. here's the revu i writ fer eric, witch heres the furst half:

jes figgerd we wood check in fer a progress report. we found all them sangle malts ye mentchuned n wuz sprized to find one they wonted $349 fer, witch twuz sumthin name of bruichladdich frum 1969.

innywho, we settled on the one frum the isle of skye name of talisker fer $45. we jes now pored us one each, witch we lacks to drank ours without no additives of inny kind. we give a toast to the rocky top brigade, tuck a deep sniff, n cummenced.

1. smell: twuz unlack inny likker i had ever drunk befor. neethur me nor the wife could identify whut it smelt lack. she furst sed twuz lack creosote. i disagreed. she later amended that pinion after tastin. we never could cum up with a wurd fer it. ye used 'peppery' n that fits it purty close.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

life of buddy don, chaptur 106:true romants in a paris horehouse

emily n her mama n her mamas best friend polly pierce had dun run into the hotel. i wuz payin the cab ride, witch it cost 13 francs n i give the fella a 50 franc note n he give me a few lil coins. had i been cheated? i wuz shiverin n i dint know whut to say since i dint speak no french ceptn fer je ne parle pas francais, witch i gut thatn frum katharine mansfield n twuznt whut i wonted to say, but i sed it innyway n he cummened to splainin sumthin in french, witch seemed lack he wuz mad fer not gittin no tip. he kep pointin at my palm till i tuck closer look at them coins n seen how one of em wuz wurth 20 francs n a nuthern wuz 10, so i picked one out to give him but by then he had dun drove off mad.

twuz febuwary 29 of 1980 n we wuz visitin our secunt new cuntry in a week, witch fer maureen n polly, twuz thar third in a week on a counta they hadnt never been to west germany befor.

i half to tell ye, them vacayshuns couldnta cum at a better time. twuz about half way thru our time in west germany n we wuz as low as could be. thar wuz a brake in skool n emily had cunvintsed maureen n polly to cum over fer a vacayshun frum the 18th of febuwary to the 5th of march.

emily had dun been so homesick till she could cry, so twuz quite a reunion whenever her mama cum thru customs. they hugged n laffed n hugged n cride n hugged agin. i give em a lil hello hug my ownself, but fer a while, me n polly jes watched emily n her mama. we gut thar stuff n showed em the carts n gut em to the hauptbahnhof n maureen wonted to take one of them mercedes benz taxicabs we had writ about in them letters we wuz sendin em mos everday, witch twuz verr nice to git home so easy. they wuz a lil sprized bout how tiny the aparment wuz, but they never cumplained once. i had been a lil wurried bout how we wood git along, but twuznt a problem atall.

fer one thang, twuz lack eatin candy with yer ears to hear em talk. then thay wuz gifts lack real marlboros fer emily n new notebooks fer me n three rivers corn meal fer bofus. corse, twuznt long befor ye could see the air in our apartment but i opened the winder n tole em bout frische luft, witch twuz too cold to leeve it open long but they tuck the hint n kindly slowed down thar smokin. ye mite could thank thar woodnt be no way we could all sleep in that lil apartment, but they brung em sum sleepin bags n sum kinda way we stretched out across the floor. they dint never cumplain bout the food i cooked, witch twuz verr simple fare ceptn fer the time i fixed em sum chicken livers, witch emily wuz always beggin fer em. but thangs wuz tite in that lil place n they could see i couldnt hardly breathe fer all the smoke, so maureen sed she wonted to go see london n paris.

so thats whut we dun, startin with london by takin a flight on dan air, witch twuz a wonderful lil trip only dint much happen. maureen n polly went thar way fer the mos part, shoppin fer cloze n such, tho we did all go out to see buckingham palace together n we went to the tower of london but the crown jewels wuznt thar.

one afternoon while we wuz in a bookstore on that verr fleet street n emily wuz hunkerd down readin a book, i sneaked n bought a nice hardcover edishun of emily dickinsons poetry, witch the way she fell in luv with it, i sed, 'ye wood thank i had brung ye the crown jewels.' witch she sed that book wuz filled with more jewels than ye could fit in the english crown. twuz one of them moments n we kissed rite thar in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. folks walked around but nonbidy sed nuthin.

course the people wuz the nicest we had met in all our time in europe. not a one wuz rude n we luved hearin em speak the langwage. ye miss hearin it spoke good. so ye mite could say we had a purty good trip to london.

but in paris, seem lack we started rite out havin us a add ventchur. i gut our suitcases n carrd em in. twuz dark as could be n thar wuz a long hallway. tiz probly bes that i dont member the name of that hotel. twuz the cheepest one we could find on a list we had gut at the hauptbahnhof in frankfurt. we had deecided we could jes put the trip to paris together without usin no blitzreise folk, witch thems the ones that gut us on dan air to london.

at the end of that long hall wuz the front desk, witch twuznt much. off to the lef wuz a lil parlor lack whar folk could sit n drank tea. behind the desk thay wuz a bunch of cubbyholes with keys n envelopes n such. n standin thar jes red in her face wuz emily trine to push out a nuff french wurds to git us two rooms. she had writ down mos everthang she thought she wuz a'gonna half to say, but she hadnt figgerd on meeting monsier molyneux, witch he wuz the fella at the frunt desk.

i cum up on thar lef side n put down them suitcases. maureen n polly wuz watchin emily lack she wuz walkin a tite rope or sumthin. thar faces wuz pinched lack they wuz trine to hep. emily wuz thar sayin sumthin in french a time or two n then sumthin else a time or two, almos lack she wuz a'stammerin. i watched fer a mint or so till monsier molyneux looked over with his hand in frunt of his mouth n whisperd bout as loud as he could, 'Dont interrupt her. She's doing fine.'

the instunt he dun that, emily bursts out in english bout how we wonted two rooms, one fer maureen n polly --

but befor she could git goin good, monsier molyneux gits all agitated n cummences to splainin sumthin in french, witch emily turns to me with a look on her face that sez she cant bleeve her own ears, so i ast her whut? n she sez he claims he dont unnerstand no english. i look at him, n he puts his hand in frunt of his mouth n leans over to me n sez, 'It's good for her to use French. How else will she learn?' n he turns back to her jes as calm as could be n they cummence to talkin french till he gives her a couple of keys n up we go, maureen n polly to thar room on the secunt floor, me n emily to ourn on the thurd.

we hadnt never seen no room lack thatn befor. fer one thang, the bed wuz plum wore out. thay wuznt no whar to hang yer cloze, not that we had the hangin kind, but maureen n polly did, n twuz the mos amazin thang the found bout paris: no closets! n rite in the middle of our room they had em this false toilet thang, witch emily splained twuz called a bidet n wuz fer washin out yer private parts. i ast her whut bout jes takin a bath or shower, n she sed twuz fer use rite after sex. i wuz sprized on a counta i hadnt herd of nobidy in europe wontin to keep so clean befor.

we gut settled a nuff to cum back downstairs n monsier molyneax had a couple of street maps reddy fer us. he never ast wuz we a'gonna all four be together n fack wuz, we dint spend a hole lot of time together on a counta maureen n polly lacked to shop n me n emily lacked to walk around n take pitchers n visit famous places we had read about in books. he had marked off a big ole area of it n sed we wuznt to go in them parts, witch when we ast him why, he sed twuz whar the arabs lived n they wood rob us. then he marked out whar we wuz to go, one root fer maureen n polly to foller n a longern fer me n emily. ye couldnt hardly have no better guide.

the root he give me n emily tuck us furst to the arc de triomphe n then down the champs elysee to the place de la concorden the jardin des tuileries n then over to the left bank whar we wuz to visit the hotel des invalides n finely walk up to the tour eiffel. after that, he sed we wuz a'gonna be all tuckerd out so we wuz to cum back to that hotel. he even tole us whar to eat our lunch, witch twuz upstairs in a department store on that champs elysee n twuz sum of tastiest vittles we ever et. even better wuz the glass of wine they give us, witch tasted almos as good as it wurked.

shore a nuff, we barely gut that root walked till we wuz wore plum out n could barly walk back to the hotel, but we dun it, n thar to greet us wuz monsier molyneux, witch he insisted we have, as he put it in a purrfeck english ackcent, 'A spot of Earl Grey?' we tride to beg off on a counta how we wuz tired. we jes wonted to fall into a bed n die fer a while, but he woodnt let us say no. so then we sed we wonted to freshen up, so he sed he wood let us go fer twenty mints, but then he eggspeckted us back downstairs. he wood have the tea reddy fer us.

we dint lack it but we dun it. emily wonted to soak in a bath, but twuznt to be. we dint have no time to wash but jes put on sum fresh shirts, witch we bof never wore nuthin but blue jeans n flannel shirts. seem lack a fuss n fite wuz trine to brake out betwixt us, but we dint have the luxury of no time to git it a'goin befor we had to go back down.

thar we sat in that dim lit parlor n drunk tea n et a lil dinner he had made out of cheese n bread n olives n cold cuts n listned to monsier molyneux tell us tales frum his life. turnt out he could speak nine langwages, witch they wuz french, english, german, italian, spanish, russian, arabic, chinese, n vietnamese. he had tales frum each place on a counta when he wuz 'young and foolish' he wuz a soljer of fortune, witch he sed he dint git no fortune frum it ceptn his memries. he wuz in algeria durin the revolushun thar n gut half a ear cut off, witch we hadnt noticed it till then. he wuz in vietnam when twuz a french thang, n thar he gut shot twice, witch he showed us the wound in his arm but tuthern wuz private. in moscow he wuz 'free lancing,' witch he dint splain whut that meant. but he kep us verr intertained.

ever so often, in wood cum a gurl frum outside n she wood go behin the frunt desk in take a key n disapear upstairs. ever one of em wuz jes as beeyootiful as could be n they wuz all dressed rite sexy. ever now n agin thay wood cum a fella n he wood go rite up them stairs lack he knew whar he wuz a'goin. twernt long till monsier molyneux gut aroun to splainin how we wuz in one of the finer places, that his gurls, his 'athletes,' wuz all of the highest qualty n inspeckted ever week. purty soon he tuck to innerducin differnt ones of em.

i member the furst to cum see us, witch she wuz a verr lite skinned black woman name of angelique. she wuz barly dressd in a green skirt so short it dint cover the tops of her hose n a blouse ye could see rite thru. monsier molyneux had me take her hand n tole me to kiss it lack a gentlemun, witch i dun it. she pulled me rite close n twuz a lil nerve rackin rite thar in frunt of emily but monsier molyneux kep a'talkin n twuz makin me n emily laff. he kep braggin bout how his gurls wuz athletes n astin us ifn we couldnt see how angelique wuz in the best of shape, directin us to look at her legs, look at her neck, almos lack she wuz a race horse. but ye could see she wuz verr happy with him, big smile on her face n him jabberin away furst in french bout us till she wuz laffin then in english bout her till we wuz.

he musta innerduced us to six or eight of em, ever one as purty as a model. not a one of em had a nuff cloze on n they employed all kinds a tricks to git ye a'lookin at how beeyootiful they wuz, witch they dun thangs lack wearin frilly lil socks with thar hi heels n black nylons or a blouse whar it seem lack they wuznt no way to keep thar breasts frum a'fallin rite out. n twuz one with her tricks a'pullin my nose down to mayhap three inches frum her busums after tuther till it gut to feelin lack torchur. but just when i figgerd i couldnt take no more, emily sed, 'lawsy day! tis nigh onto eleven o clock.' then she yawned real big. so monsier molyneux sed twuz time he let the luv birds go up to bed.

thang wuz, we had been so tired we could barly walk into the door whenever we furst cum back to that hotel frum site-seein. but whenever we gut upstairs, emily ast did i thank twood be possibull fer me to hep her git washed usin the bidet. i ast her whut did she mean but befor she could anser she had tuck her pants pulled off n hunkerd down overt till i knew whut to do.

my god whut a nite cum after that. seem lack we wood jes barely git to that point of floatin away n catchin yer breath after doin the deed, that instunt whar ye generly fall asleep, only she wood say twuz time to git up to use that thar bidet agin n i wood try to resist till she gut in place n ast fer my hep. i couldnt hold back n quick as i gut a lather a'goin she wood cummence to talkin bout them women n how i looked when monsier molyneux made me kiss thar hands n how they wood pull me rite over inches frum their near naked nipples n she wonderd did i git the temptayshun to go do thangs with em n i sed twuz only natcherul. n she insisted i tell bout how thangs i mite coulda done with em or whutever else mite coulda happend. n i sed i dint know whut she meant till she begged me to tell her a bedtime story n then i made up sexy tales to whipser into her ears till she wuz reddy to burst.

we dint git up the nex day till maureen n polly wuz dun gone. twuz near one pm whenever we cum down. thar wuz monsier molyneux lack he had been a'waitin fer us. he give us a big ole greetin n offerd us a nuther spot of earl grey. we tole him we appreciated it n we sat down. purty soon we had drunk sum of that tea n et sum bread n butter n jam. n the hole time, he jes sat watchin us till finely i ast him wuz innythang rong?

fer a anser he sed twuznt nuthin rong, twuz sumthin rite, witch he sed that even tho he probably had five times as minny wurds as innybidy else in the worl, he wuz struck dumb by seein sumthin he dint never eggspeck to see in no paris horehouse. so we ast him whut whut wuz it? n he sed, 'true romants.' then he laffed real big n give us a map with the root marked out whar we wuz to go n tole us we wuz late, so off we went. he tole us we should visit this place called montmartre, witch he sed twuz the real thang, the historickull redlight districk. he splained how twuz whar toulouse-lautrec had made his pitchers, so we made a point of visitin it n even goin by the bal de moulin rouge cafe, but twuz dingy in the daylight, a let down after monsier molyneux.

corse, whut we couldnt know then wuz how mos everthang is dingy in the daylite n a let down after monsier molyneux n thay aint much ye kin find in yer hole life inny bettern true romants in a paris horehouse.

Friday, February 13, 2004

pains of buddy don:migraine: nex steps

as ye mite kin tell frum the fack that i wuz able to rite a nuther chaptur on the novel, life n pinions of buddy don, hillbilly, im definitly on the mend. i aint hurtin verr much this mornin n miz bd wuz able to git me sum pointments with folks that mite kin hep me figger out whuts causin the problem. fer one, nex thursdy im gonna have a mri. then on march 2 ive got a pointment with one of the worls ackshul leedin eggspurts in pain. mayhap we kin find a way whar these thangs wont jes cum up n take over my life no more.

thay wuznt nuthin bout that year in west germany that wuz inny harder than ritin n trine to present that seminar paper they call das referat for that linguistisch und philisophie class i had with perfesser mourikis. twuz to be a paper bout the foundayshuns of linguisticks based on them greek flossofers. he had give me a book on the topick, witch i thank i dun splained how that book speckted a bidy to be able to read at lease five langwages n i couldnt hardly git no use frum it.

so i figgerd i wood develop my own idees bout thangs. n whar better to start than with pythagoras n heracleitus? that let me brang up the hole argument bout whuther pi -- or fer that matter, inny wurd ye mite find -- could be a priori, witch it seemed to me lack twuz a definit bleef of pythagorus n twuz a possibull bleef of heracleitus.

everbidy knows the name of pythagoras frum that theorum name of the pythagorean theorum, witch that splains how yer right triangle wurks. he dun sum wurk with circles n such n seemed to me lack he had cum rite near to gittin the concept of pi splained, only nobidy gives him credit fer it. that made a good startin point on a counta how the pythagoreans bleeved mos everthang could be splained usin math n musick. fer eggzample, ifn ye wuz havin health problems, gittin ye cured wuz a matter of gittin yer bidy back in tune by regulatin the hot n cold or the wet n dry lack they wuz strangs that wuz gittin out of tune with each other. thay had em equashuns n calculayshuns to splain mos everthang.

so whuther or not they discovered pi perzackly, they had the idee that the worl wuz made on laws n concepts lack pi. ifn ye could put these concepts into langwage, ye could have the buildin blocks of everthang jes frum wurds. corse the mos importunt wurd in splainin all this wuz pi its ownself n problem with pi is how tiz a irrashunul number that cant never be cumpletely solved (lease far as innybidy kin tell). twuz a point i hadnt never noticed in all the times i wuz arguin bout it with virgil. how could the a priori concept on witch the hole universe wuz dun built be a irrashunul number?

but i pushed on into heracleitus n his concept of everthang bein in a state of flux, lack a fire that dont never quit burnin, witch that makes me recolleck the idee of hell i herd in church one time. now ifn yer usin langwage lack them pythagoreans, ye at lease bleeve yer splainin how everthang wurks, almos lack ye wuz ritin down the eggzack recept lack ye wood do ifn ye were bakin a cake. but ifn ye thanks lack heracleitus whar everthang is changin all the time to whar ye cant even step into the same river twice on a counta how the waters all differnt the secunt time, then yer wurds dont seem to be in control of everthang. corse, he had this concept of logos, witch that is greek fer reason, n he bleeved mos folks couldnt see beneath the everday wurkins of thangs down to the reason that makes em keep wurkin. he figgerd twuz in the battles twixt opposits that everthang wuz wurked out, lease thats the best i kin make of it.

long story short, i used this startin point to rite down lots of them arguments me n virgil had dun cum up with. i let the pythagoras half stand fer whut virgil bleeved n let heracleitus kick off my half of the argument. frum thar i gut into plato n his ideal worls (on virgils side) n aristotle n his observayshuns of thangs, speshly his sayin that thay wuznt no reason to magine a sepert ideal worl when we had the real one rite here. by this time in my overall argument, witch ye mite bile down to jes how wurds is a weak attempt to put meanin on a universe in constunt flux, i wuz developin how langwage could be used.

frum that i wurked my way into two of the best books inny riter could ever find on the topick of ritin, witch thar bofem by aristotle. one of ems called poetics n tuthern is rhetorick. ifn ye aint made friends with these two n ye lack ritin, i couldnt hardly recommend nuthin better. a quick splainayshun mite hep ye make up yer mind.

aristotle wuz a grate one fer brakin thangs into pieces n showin how they splain the hole thang a lil better. so he tuck whut ye could do with langwage n broke it into two main pieces, witch the furst is langwage to tell stories n thats coverd by his poetics. tuthern is how ye use langwage to proove thangs, witch he splains all that in tuther book, rhetorick.

furst, thars his poetics, witch thats whar he analyzes stories that folks rites n the thangs that makes em wurk. furst thang he splains is how such ritin is the imatayshun of ackshul life. he brakes up the kinds of thangs folks rites fer poetry into a cuple of catagories, witch thays tragedy ifn the riter is rite serious minded n wonts to imitate the cumplete ackshuns of grate men n mayhap even gods. tuther half is comedy, witch thatn aint near so serious n deals with lower folk n has to do with sum kinda defeck or ugliness witch dont hurt nobidy too much. but twuz tragedy whar he sed a riter could reach the gratest possibull effeck. he spent a lil bit of time on that n whut a tragedy ritefully is.

but that wernt the part that innerested me so much. i wuz more innereted in the teckneeks he deescribed fer ritin tragedy, or once ye gut that down, fer ritin much of innythang poetic or imaginary. thats whar he cum up with the six parts ye gut to watch out fer in analyzin good ritin: (1) speckticull, (2) song, (3) dickshun, (4) care-ackter, (5) plot n (6) thought.

once he had identified the parts, he gut into ratin em. since yer tragedy is the imitayshun of a ackshun, ye cant have no tragedy ifn nuthin happens, so plot cum out number one. bleeve it or not, tiz one of the hardest thangs to larn bout ritin, witch is how sumthin has got to happen or yer reader gits too bored to keep a readin. yer plot is used to show the care-ackter of the folks yer ritin bout n care-ackter gits to be number 2 on the list. nex is thought, witch thatn is kindly the moral of the story, so to speak. after ye gut them three, tiz a questchun not of whut ye dun writ but how well ye dun writ it, so dickshun gits to cum in fourth place on a counta tiz how n witch wurds ye used thats gonna deetermin how one riters vershun of a story is so much bettern a nutherns. after that yer left with poetry, witch bes i kin tell, tiz lack the musick of the langwage yer usin as much as innythang. finely, ye gut yer speckticull, witch the modern day equivalent of that is yer car chases n splodin buildins.

i thank ye git the generull idee. that poetics hole book aint but about 50 pages, so ye could read it in one sittin n go back to read it ever time ye need remindin bout the basicks.

tuthern book wuz rhetorick n it kin be biled down to three kinds of arguments ye kin make: (1) past: ifn yer arguin bout whut dun happend, tiz a legal argument to figger out whut twuz that happend n who gits the blame; (2) future: ifn yer arguin bout whut oughta happen, then yer makin a politcull argument; n (3) present, ifn yer trine to splain how good or bad sumbidy or sumthang is rite now, then thats called epideictic or celebratory oratory -- tiz yer kissin up to them ye lack n cuttin down them ye dont. corse he gives plenty of methods to make each kind of rhetorick wurk better fer ye. tiz a nuther short book that ever riter oughta have n read now n agin.

innywho, i thank ye git my drift. twuz a way of menchunin as minny of them greek flossofers as possibull while purty much goin over the same old groun me n virgil had dun plowed to a fare thee well. by the time i rote the thang, i had cum to whar i dint care whuther innybidy lacked it or not. twuz whut i had to say on the subjeck at the time. i dint hardly use the book perfesser mourikis give me n i purty much jes put down my own idees with a nuff quotes to make ye thank i mite could know whut i wuz a'talkin bout.

i tole myself i dint care whut folks mite thank bout it. i tole myself thay wuznt nuthin i could do to make myself sound convintsin in german. i tole myself twuz a simple matter of reedin whut i rote n makin a few comments. so how bad could it be? i had dun watched one fella doin his referat n wurst thang bout it wuz how it tuck three or four weeks till twuz dun. so i figgerd i wood jes half to grin n bare it, as they say. how bad could it be?

whut i dint figger on wuz how thay wuznt no way i could keep everbidys attenchun once perfesser mourikis tuck over whut i wuz trine to say. fack is, my hole argument dint ever git splained a sangle time. in sted, i started out, made menchun of pythagorus n heracleitus, n rite thar, i lost my chants to splain whut i wuz a sayin. twuz the same problem i had dun had with that cheese name of gouda, witch yer west germans pronounses 'gowduh' with the 'g' cumin out lack yer trine to git yer throat cleard. ifn ye say 'goo-duh' lack ye do in english, ye dont git no cheese. i cum out with sumthin in german bout heracleitus n corse i pronounced it lack tiz dun in english, witch that sounds lack 'her uh clite us.' everbidy looked up lack they wunderd whut i had jes sed, so i sed it agin. turnt out thay wuz listnin fer 'heraklit,' witch ye pronounce thatn 'her uh cleet.'

twuz all it tuck. perfesser mourikis tuck over the hole splainayshun n i dint have no chants nor even good a nuff german to git a nuther comment in. not only that, he skipped talkin bout whut i had writ before he even gut to no plato n aristotle. in sted, he wonted to talk bout platos republick n aristotles politics. whut did that have to do with our topick? i wonted to ast, but lack i say, i couldnt git nobidys attenchun. wurst thang wuz how aristotle coulda dun splained it: twuz a defeck in my use of dickshun!

so i sat in that class, my long hair fallin over to cover my face, my beerd curled up on my chest, wishin i could disappear, listnin to perfesser mourikis splain how aristotle had six classifickayshuns of politics, witch thay wuz broke down thisaway: (1) one ruler, correck, wood be yer kingship or benevolent dicktater; (2) one ruler, wrong, wood be yer tyrunt; (3) jes a few rulers, correck, wood be yer aristockracy n bof aristotle n perfesser mourikis seemed to lack thisn best on a counta how twuz the form used in the golden age of greece, more or less, n twuz a bleef that the best folks oughta be the ones makin the deecishuns bout whut to do, not the richest or folks that wuz jes born equal; (4) jes a few rulers, wrong, wood be yer oligarchy, witch thats whar ye gut yer rich folk thankin theys bettern everbidy else on a counta havin money n bein better, they figger thar the ones who oughta be makin all the deecishuns, witch tiz generly used to make shore they git to hold onto thar money n keep a'gittin more of it; (5) many rulers, good, witch that wood be yer polity, witch thatn also figgerd that them makin the deecishuns wood be them that showed they had good care-ackter only thayd be a lot more of em than ye wood have in a aristockracy; n finely (6) many rulers, wrong, wood be yer demockracy.

now it mite cum as a lil sprize how aristotle dint list demockracy as bein one of the best forms. the idee wuz that everbidy born equal should git a equal say in whut deecishuns yer cuntry is spozed to make. problem with this is how thay wuznt no way to make shore folks wuz good jes fer bein born equal. wurse, the closer ye git to a pure demockracy, the closer ye git to mob rule. not only that, but ifn ye go fer demockracy, ye gut to win eleckshuns, n lack the sophists had dun prooved, folks is easy to fool n the palltishun that wins the eleckshun is the one that kin pander to the lowest common denominaytor.

finely perfesser mourikis cum to the joke he wuz makin outta his long tangent to whut i had started out a'trine to say, witch he sed the wurst thang bout demockracy wuz how yer intelleckshuls wuz cundemned to a life of frustrayshun as they stood on the sidelines of gummint n watched while clowns n farmers guverned. the hole class laffed at that n twernt hard to figger why: jimmy carter wuz a farmer.

thang wuz, i hadnt never cared much fer jimmy carter till then. it hadnt made me lack him inny better whenever i saw them studints burnin a paper maché doll of him in effigy. i hadnt never minded ifn folks picked on his neutron bomb or the lust in his hart or his sweater or whutever.

but when that perfesser lit into him fer bein a farmer n all them students laffed at him n at amurka, i wonted to defend him n amurka too, but i dint have the wurds n i wuz too upset to say much of nuthin noway. n by then perfesser mourikis wuz tellin all kinds of jokes bout demockracy n mobs n he menchuned leni riefenstahl n even them nazis, witch twuz thonly time i ever herd them menchuned in a class while i wuz thar. i wonted to splain bout jefferson n the gentlmun farmer n whut it meant to own land. in sted, he kep tellin jokes.

n wurst of all wuz how i dint even unnerstand whut he wuz a sayin, but i felt the laffs jes bilin up in me till they cum out with everbidy elses. rite then i gut whut wuz meant by the mob n how ye kin lose yer mind in the midst of one n that wuz sumthin i shore dint wont, so i gut up n walked out. perfesser mourikis wuz a lil sprized by that. he called me n tole me to cum back n finish but i tole him he wuz doin fine.

i walked over to the mense a'talkin out loud to myself. emily wuz waitin fer me. she wonted to have a lil celebrayshun only she knew sumthin wuz rong the mint she saw me but we went to macdonalds innyway. she ast how did it go n i tole her twuz over at lease. once we had our order n found a place to stand together, i sed i wonted to dedicate the meal to jimmy carter n to the idee that a farmer could be presdint.

twuz jes as irrashunul as pi n i hate to thank twuz a priori. i lack to thank we aint jes creechurs filled with irrashunul buttons that make us deecide thangs without knowin why. but i couldnt hep myself frum wonderin: could them irrashunul feelins be lack pi fer us humans n wuz they a priori? i dint wonta thank so. but i never could figger it inny bettern that.