As the best man, I really should grasp this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reveal to you all the groom’s past misdemeanours. Unfortunately, I have played a part in most of these incriminating events, and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. So instead, I'll keep things very short by talking about Paul's achievements.

Traditionally, the best man should include in his speech a few sincere and kind remarks about the groom. And this would have been very difficult if Paul hadn’t written down exactly what he wants me to say!