Sunday, March 28, 2010

The State of California will put its "Tax Cannabis Act 2010" on the November ballot. It has posted numerous reasons on its official website. Most importantly, “California’s laws criminalizing cannabis (marijuana) have failed and need to be reformed. Despite spending decades arresting millions of non-violent cannabis consumers, we have failed to control cannabis or reduce its availability.”

In lay terms, “Cannabis is a $36 billion market. We’re almost bankrupt, so we might as well give the people what they want, while we cash in and tax and control the product.”

How this will affect the U.S. Rasta, or Rastafari Movement is another issue for debate.

Rastifarians are a strict religious sect that only accepts Haile Selassie I, the former Emperor of Ethiopia as “Jah” (God). It uses cannabis in many of its religious ceremonies and has a large following in California, where members hold religious ceremonies on Hollywood Boulevard, in LA.

Rastifarians are not political. Many of them can’t stand long enough to go to the polls. Ras Sam Brown, of Jamaica was the first Rasifarian in history to run for political office in 1961. He formed the Suffering People’s Party and only received 100 votes.

I think Billy Bob Thornton made a movie about a similar character. You know the one; he would assume a prone position out on the tarmac as jumbo jets were taking off, so that he could sail with the draft.

The group fears a drop in membership once the Tax Cannabis Act passes.

Recently, there have been international crack-downs on cannabis coffee shops in the Netherlands, as rich Californians, who were not Rastafari, had been taking regular vacations there to take advantage of the relaxed cannabis laws. Now that the State is going bankrupt, many are no longer financially able to make the constant trips and have lobbied for change. They don’t accept I.O.U.s in Denmark.

Will the Tax Cannabis Act pass?

An overwhelming majority of Californians say “yes,” as they were getting fed-up with the folks in Denmark, who used to rub it in every time they saw Americans visiting their country and even put a video up on YouTube to torment them.

Folks near Joshua Tree National Park are hoping the State makes cannabis its National Tree. They will introduce a forest mascot soon.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

If you are looking for some good entertainment at your Sunday afternoon Coffee Party, bring a laptop and make sure there is wireless access. This might take a few hours, but it is time well spent.

We are all familiar with Glenn Beck’s show format and animated rantings, as well as the famous chalkboard, which made a cameo appearance at CPAC; however, not many of us are familiar with Jim Wallis or Marty Duren.

Jim Wallis (pictured) is very much like Glenn Beck, except he leads the Sojourners, a network of progressive Christians. Like Beck, he is very vocal and opinionated. He has asked people to boycott Beck and challenged him to a debate. Marty Duren is a Southern Baptist minister, who took Pat Roberson to task last January, for his remarks about Haiti, in a blog column titled “Dear Pat Robertson, SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH!!” and lambasted Beck in "Glenn Beck, biblical illiteracy and running."

There you will find topics such as “The Future of History, Glenn Beck in the Belly of the Beast," and "Glenn Hates Poor People.” Love him or hate him, we need him.

The main issue they are fighting about is whether or not Jesus was a political activist. Wallis and Duren claim that they have more work experience and insight about Jesus to preach on this topic. They strongly believe that Glenn should stick to current events and politics and leave religious topics to the experts, like them.

Glenn Beck doesn’t want to repeat history, and urges people to run away from religious groups and churches that “preach social and economic justice,” as it is a direct path to socialism.

As of this writing, no debate on this issue is scheduled between Beck, Duren, and Wallis.

On his return trip, I sure hope Jesus gets his own gig and sandscript board on JMJ Live and sets the record straight.

Don’t be surprised if these guys all end up in a fist fight over us perceived nimrods, who are too stupid to think for ourselves, and end up in a rapper tune called “Dueling Egos.”

Bishop Fulton J. Sheen was ahead of his time. I like my coffee with cream and sugar, along with some intelligent conversation, how about you?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." ~ Erma Bombeck.

Our society is so screwed up that former Manhattan Madam, Kristin Davis, can run for Governor of NY State; and 25 miles away in Rahway, NJ, they want to put clothes on a snow rendition of the Venus de Milo.

I knew it would come to this. I blame Frosty the Inappropriate Snowman and his talk of a porn collection for “How I Met Your Mother” - thanks a lot CBS.

I haven't been lately, do they hand out blindfolds for kids under 12 years old at art museums in NJ?

The Venus de Milo, presumably by Alexandros of Antioch, is one of the most famous works of art. This ancient Greek sculpture has been in existence since about 100 BC. She is the Goddess of love and beauty and looks a bit like Dimitris Diamantidis, if he had gynecomastia, except she's taller and can't play basketball. When Alexandros unveiled her, did the locals run to the authorities and ask that her mighty marble bosoms be covered? Did they break both of her arms, put her away in storage until the shock effect wore off, and historians never told us?

If someone on 5th Avenue in NYC had created this snow woman, she would have gained national attention and been featured on all the morning talk shows. The artist would have been interviewed by USA TODAY. Venus could have run for governor of NY on the Objectivist Party ticket. However, her sleeping habits would not be Tabloid fodder and she would not qualify to be among Frosty’s porn collection.

How can a geographical area of 25 miles make such a cultural difference?

Insiders tell me that when Rahway, NJ, police were summoned to the scene of the naked snow woman, after all the officers and the dispatcher finished laughing, they had two reports ready to be filed, depending on the propensity of the angry crowd at the crime scene:

1. The resident complied with police orders and put a bra and sarong on the naked lady.
2. The complainant is a moron, unappreciative of fine art; can we lock this guy up?

I would have opted for Number two. This is temporary insanity, snow melts. Fox5 News shot this video; Frosty, who was ultimately responsible for putting some people's minds in the gutter, was unavailable for comment:

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

On March 1, 2010, Libertarian, Kristin Davis, announced that she is running for Governor of New York. She held a press conference at the Roosevelt Hotel in NY to throw her bra into the political arena.

The former Manhattan Madam said that her high school education, Bachelors degree (in finance), and the many years that she spent in the back of a paddy wagons have qualified her for the job.

Its P squared all the way: legalized prostitution and pot on her wedgies, I mean platform. She said the magic word “Taxed” when referring to P squared and THAT got their attention.

Why is City Hall fighting the inevitable? "These things happen on the streets of New York City anyway," she said.

She believes that controlling and taxing prostitution and pot will serve to lower real estate taxes. Real estate taxes are what caused Rush Limbaugh to put his $13.9 million penthouse apartment up for sale last week. We do not know if she got Rush’s endorsement.

Ms. Davis also supports gay marriage and freedom of choice. “Not just to raise campaign funds,” she insisted, but because she supports quality marriages.

She says that she is not part of the good ol’ boys “corrupt and dysfunctional system of NY State politics.”

Monday, March 1, 2010

I’m not sure if Ryanair uses a banana base coat on its scratch-off lottery tickets, but one of its passengers traveling from Poland to the U.K. ate one of them; it was worth $15,000.

Celebrations in the US have taken an economic downturn. You’ve been in one of those Chinese buffets, when its birthday time: all of a sudden the three chipmunks come over the paging system singing “appy birday too ewe! appy Birday too ewe!” and then two or three very excited servers, wearing flip-flops on a sticky floor, bring a kiwi-flavored cupcake to the table with a lighted birthday candle. The total cost of the party is under $40, beating even Rachael Ray. Wouldn’t $15,000 be nice?

In this case, a very excited Ryanair airline crew brought the passenger a bottle of champagne and the fabulous news that he won $15,000, singing “You’re in The Money!”

The guy asked for his money.

He was told he could cash in the ticket when they landed.

The guy asked for his money and threw a temper tantrum. Apparently, he needs a crash course in anger management.

The rattled stewardess summoned the Captain.

The Captain threw on the autopilot instructing the co-pilot to take care of the dead bugs and pelican greeting on the windshield, as they were also irritating him.

The Captain told the passenger that this particular flight does not carry $15,000 in the petty cash drawer.

"We're at 37,000 feet," he said. "you can go to the lottery office when we land. Meanwhile the co-pilot needs to borrow some handi-wipes."

The passenger threatened to eat the scratch-off ticket.

One of the crew members grabbed a seat cushion and tried to bribe him with a sandwich or some pizza.

“Down Simba!”

The guy ate the ticket.

Stephen McNamara, a spokesperson for Ryanair told the media “Ryanair is now asking passengers to vote on which type of charity Ryanair should donate the $15,000 prize money.”

You can log on to the Ryanair website and vote for anger management, eating and digestive disorders, disruptive children’s, or mental health charities.

“All these charities are ready to benefit from a real meal ticket!” McNamara said. “In the last two year’s Ryanair’s scratch cards have given away 10 cars, over €300,000 in cash prizes and over 100,000 flight vouchers. Passengers have always been delighted to claim their large cash prizes after returning home. Unfortunately our latest winner felt that we should have his $15,000 prize kicking around on the aircraft.”

Buy my humor ebook: Sitting on Cold Porcelain

About Me

Twitter: @rosevalenta Humor columnist.
Welcome to Rosie's Renegade Humor Blog. The word "Renegade" describes it all - seriocomic musings about current events, politics, sports, and humorous happenings from around the world. You know, "Skinny Dipping!"
I attend the bi-annual Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop at the University of Dayton, am one of the directors of the Robert Benchley Society, and the previous Membership Chair of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
I wrote for a subsidiary of McGraw-Hill for 12 years, as a technical staff writer and freelanced for other industry publications. I took creative writing courses at Delaware Technical College and attended classes at the Philadelphia Improv Theater. Many of my articles are syndicated and have appeared in USA TODAY, Newsday.com, The Courier Post, The Wall Street Journal, and many other publications.

I am available for speaking engagements, please e-mail: ebww2014@comcast.net