Gary Brown: 12 days of Christmas is too darn expensive

Tuesday

Nov 27, 2007 at 12:01 AMNov 27, 2007 at 12:58 AM

According to a front-page story Monday, I’ll be singing the “The Seven Days of Christmas” this year. At the total cost of $78,100 for gifts listed in the Christmas carol -- according to the annual PNC Wealth Management estimate -- any true love I have probably won’t be able to afford all 12 days.

Gary Brown

According to a front-page story Monday, I’ll be singing the “The Seven Days of Christmas” this year.
At the total cost of $78,100 for gifts listed in the Christmas carol -- according to the annual PNC Wealth Management estimate -- any true love I have probably won’t be able to afford all 12 days.
Just scanning the breakdown of prices, I’m guessing the seven swans a-swimming ($4,200), nine ladies dancing ($4,759), 10 lords a-leaping ($4,285), 11 pipers piping ($2,213), and 12 drummers drumming ($2,398) already have been crossed off “The Twelve Days of Christmas” wish list. At $600, my true love is likely to lose the four calling birds, as well.
“I’m getting him six geese a-laying ($360), three french hens ($45), two turtle doves ($40) and a partridge ($15), why would he need more birds?” my true love probably will ask the pet-shop clerk, before compromising. “How much are four parakeets chirping?”
The story said five gold rings cost $395 this year. Don’t be surprised if we get gold-plated. And the pear tree ($150)? Think crab apple. We could get a painting of eight maids a-milking ($47), but it might not be an original painting. It’ll probably just be a print.
Tough All Over
I want to stress that this is all just an educated journalistic guess. What I write is not the opinion of any of our true loves. It is not meant to imply that our true loves are even the slightest bit thrifty.
And certainly, it’s not intended to make them say, “All right, if you think I’m so cheap, why don’t we get rid of the geese, doves, hens and partridge, too? And while we’re at it, we can put the maids, the rings and the pear tree in layaway, too, until you apologize. Try singing ‘No Days of Christmas’ and see how you like it.”
All I’m trying to say is what business analysts have been talking about since Black Friday was over last week. We’re all spending less.
Specifically, we spent 3.5 percent less than we did last year on Black Friday, although they didn’t break it down into individual bird purchases.
The meaning behind the statistics, of course, is that once we get beyond the mandatory video game, cologne and tool purchases, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of money left in any true love’s pocket for even one piper piping, much less 11 of them.
For the Best
Maybe that’s good. Do we really need a small orchestra of pipers? Or would our true loves give them to us, and then we’d just stick them out in the garage?
Every time we drive in, they’d start piping, making all that racket. We’d have to say, rather ungratefully, “Hey, pipe down.”
Then they would sit quietly on shelves, with drummers not drumming, ladies not dancing, and, of course, the lords who haven’t leaped in years.
We should applaud inflation.
It’s what keeps us from having to explain to our true loves what we did with the partridge after we never planted the pear tree.
Reach Canton Repository Living Editor Gary Brown at (330) 580-8303 or gary.brown@cantonrep.com.