“Purity peddlers construct a false universe where there are pure virgins who wait until marriage, and then there are slutty whores who are going home with different men every night of the week. The truth is that most adults will have a great many important relationships in their lives – some of those relationships will be romantic, and some of those will be sexual. That’s a good thing: our relationships with other people, sexual or not, are how we grow, evolve and learn about ourselves. They’re how we figure out what love is, what we like physically and emotionally, and how to negotiate our own needs with someone else’s. Despite the claims of the wait-till-marriage camp, waiting to have sex won’t protect you from heartache, frustration or love lost. But a variety of fulfilling relationships, sexual and not, will make you a more well-rounded, compassionate and self-assured person.”

“Perverts sometimes have an odd attachment to some elusive idea of authenticity, as though we’re all supposed to be able either to track our kinks back to early childhood—the deeply flawed “I was born this way” idea—as though there were a genetic sequence to explain leather fetishism or a love of bondage—or to have come across a credible, acceptable, cool-enough trigger, such as reading the gritty queer pervert porn of Patrick Califia or being discovered in a San Franciscso back alley by a True Master who saw our potential and took us under his leathery wing. But I know plenty of proud, aware, competent, trustworthy BDSM players who started in each of the “uncool” ways I mentioned first, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that.”

“Raquelle and Jordin met four months ago at a gay pride meeting at their college in Kingston, Jamaica. Raquelle immediately noticed Jordin, who wore loose guy’s clothing and had a certain sparkle about her. Raquelle liked what Jordin said about gender expression: ‘She said she isn’t as butch as she presents herself necessarily, and regardless of her clothes she is still a girl. And she wants to be treated like one.’ So Raquelle went home and found Jordin on Tumblr through some mutual friends. She ‘liked’ a bunch of her posts and soon they started chatting online.”

“While the mainstream BDSM community has always drawn lines over what is and is not OK (drinking blood, for instance, isn’t cool because of the potential to spread diseases), the definition of edge has changed over time. In the 80s and 90s things like scat play, age play, puppy play, and suspension were no-nos but they now occur semi frequently at kinky events. (Well, scat play is a little more rare because, ew.) Attitudes about what should be forbidden seems to have shifted thanks to people getting better educated. The internet spawned more discussions about sexual ethics, more how-to guides, and more adult sex ed in general. (Don’t you just love the kind of sex ed that results in more and better sex rather than paranoia about STDs?) All of this might have encouraged some of the edgier elements of the BDSM world to explore some dangerous-sounding fun.”

“This is no doubt due in part because the night is longer (duh), but it’s also because the visual cues of the changing season imbue humans with a sense of seriousness, and the brisker weather increases our desire to ‘nest,’ which is Science for ‘shack up, eat chili and do It all the time.’ When we do, dopamine is produced in higher levels than any other season.”

“The Steel Clitoris is a term used to describe an insensitive clitoris that’s difficult to reach orgasm with. It’s not a lot of fun to sit there and stimulate yourself for 20, 30, maybe even 60+ minutes just to get a less-than-great orgasm, or even get frustrated and quit before it even happens! So how do you deal with a stubborn clit that just won’t give you that incredible orgasm you’re striving for?

First, know your anatomy. The clitoris isn’t just the little nub under your hood, there’s “legs” to it that extend around your vaginal opening. Your clitoris preforms better when you stimulate more than just the head! Just like a penis, a clitoris has a glans or head where the majority of the nerves are centered, and they branch off from there. Focusing on just the head of a penis may cause an orgasm, but it’s easier to achieve and more pleasurable when you pay attention to the rest as well. Clits are the same. Try stimulating the outer areas of your vagina as well as the opening. Your clitoris will respond happily. Try alternating between rubbing the legs of your clitoris (around the outer area of your vagina) and the head instead of just focusing on the head.”

Disclaimer:All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email our tech director at cee [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.

Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Editor for Autostraddle.com. She is also a freelance copy editor and writer, and her work has appeared in Bitch, The Toast, Xtra!, Jezebel, and other places. Find her on twitter.

Ahaha, yes! My mom let me read those books with the warning that there was some “grown up stuff” in it that I might not understand. I was 12. To be fair, it had been a long time since she read the books herself, and I don’t think she remembered quite how much sex there was. Valley of Horses was where I discovered that oral was a thing and that I wanted to do it with a girl. And the one with the evil lesbian that imprisoned the men taught me that scissoring was a thing that existed and I might like to try it also (but with a nice lesbian, not an evil one). But I could probably still like boys, maybe…No, no I could not.

omg…..the pictures, this is the first factual time i ever just scroll through the pics over and over again (i’m also the person who would pic up a playboy/maxim and read the articles and not just flip through the pics)

Premarital sex is not good for everyone.
Don’t get me wrong – I despise abstinence only sex ed and this vague idea about purity and virgin = good as much as the next person with a few brain cells, but there isn’t a single thing you can say about sex that is true for everyone, including when you should be having it.
Surely a better response to ‘everybody should only have sex when married’ ISN’T ‘everybody should have sex before marriage’, but rather ‘everybody can do what the fuck they want and what makes them happy because your sex life isn’t my business and you probably know way more about it then me’.
Maybe I’m being oversensitive about this, it’s come up a lot lately and it’s as though people have forgotten how to be sex positive but acknowledge that doesn’t mean you have to be having (or want to have) loads of it. And I seriously love you guys, you’re one of the most positive, all encompassing, welcoming environments on the whole wide web, and I seriously don’t know what I’d have done without you, and this is very much not an attack on any of that, it’s just upsetting to me when it sounds like you are casually brushing off a lot of people for not having premarital sex when there are a bunch of reasons to do that (including lots of completely non religious ones) and that it’s that persons choice whether or not it’s good for them, you know?

I agree with this. In the planned parenthood sex ed class that I put on for my middle schoolers, the message is all about “waiting until you are ready”. Pressuring people to have sex before they are married is the same as pressuring people not to have sex before they are married.

I completely disagree. I don’t think that it’s healthy or advisable for a virgin to enter into an ostensibly life-long sexual commitment like marriage. I think that one should surely have had sex with someone before knowing whether this is the person who they want to give access to the their body, finances, security, and the ability to take you off of life support.

And I say this as a married person who loves my spouse very, very much.

I couldn’t disagree with you more! This site is about being accepting and understanding of many representations and expressions and one of those is abstinence, another is asexuality or non-sexuality (if that’s a thing?). Some choose to wait, to be honest, I wish I had chosen to wait until marriage. Marriage is so much more than sex, as you know being married – it’s friendship, respect, love, support, and yes, sex. But my partner’s sexual prowess has nothing to do with how I would trust them to manage my healthcare or finances. I think it’s great for people to sleep with people with little or no commitment, but saying you must have sex before marriage is just as bad as saying everyone should be a virgin on their wedding night.

I just fully believe “you do you” is so important. Do what you’re ready to do, what you’re prepared to handle, and examine your reasons. If your reasons are good enough for you, that’s what matters.

I think if you read the full article, you’ll see that her point was actually that she disagrees that either choice should be considered “right” or “wrong” or “moral”, or “immoral” by society. She believes that premarital sex is a positive thing, but it’s the cultural/political issue of the value of remaining “pure” etc. that she has a problem with, rather than individuals choosing to wait for their own personal reasons.

“And personally, I don’t really care when you, as an individual, choose to have sex. As long as you feel ready and it’s consensual, I say you do you.”

And the final paragraph starts: “My point isn’t that everyone should have sex before marriage – people should determine for themselves when they are ready to have sex…”

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!