Taxpayer Mob Will Have to Pry Jets From Jamie Dimon’s Cold, Dead Hands

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Lately, it seems like the world’s gone mad. Last week, populist outrage over AIG bonuses reached a boil, to the point where those who received them were being stalked in their homes. Members of Congress seemed to be actually frothing at the mouth as they hysterically passed an insane bill slapping a 90 percent tax on workers at bailed-out firms earning more than $250,000 per household. And even though the president seems iffy on that, he’s still considering a cap on executive pay, because, look, people outside of New York “would be thrilled to be making $75,000 a year — without a bonus.” At this point, the rich, corporate American bankers are literally on the verge of being driven underground. It’s time for someone to take action. Someone needs to defend the rich’s right to actrich!

Apparently, because everyone else is in the shits, that responsibility has fallen to Jamie Dimon: The tendril-headed, blue-eyed, muscle-bound CEO of JP Morgan, the quarterback to Daily Intel’s slutty cheerleader — wait, sorry, what were we saying? Right. Anyway. Dimon, who recently called for an end to the “constant vilification of corporate America,” has made a move that we think is important. His firm has committed to a $138 million plan to buy new corporate jets and refurbish their hangar, and he is not going to cancel it because of the threat of mobretaliation.

ABC reports today that the plan includes the purchase of two Gulfstream jets, (“described by the manufacturer as the fastest, widest and most comfortable private jet ever with superior cabin amenities, an optional stateroom, and 12 interior designs to choose from,” says ABC news) and a hangar “built with reclaimed wood, quarry tile and even a ‘vegetated roofgarden.’”

ABC does their best to gin up outrage over this, because of the fact that JP Morgan received $25 billion in TARP funds (“It’s a remarkably boneheaded decision,” they quote a corporate watchdog as saying) but JP Morgan has long maintained they’ve never wanted or needed those funds, and they don’t plan on using the money, anyway. “We will not purchase any replacement plane or make any related expenditure until after we have repaid TARP funds in full,” a J.P. Morgan spokesperson tells DealBook. And after all, who can fault them for a plan that’s so shabby chic? After all, the Obamas have a vegetablegarden.