Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Date Raped (part 2)

How is this happening? How did I not see this coming?

As soon as I would move one hand to push away off of the bed, he would push against me. The only thing keeping him from raping me, was my two hands. Squeezing my legs together wouldnt work because he had wedged his body between my two legs. Trying to use the backward thrust of my legs squeezing against his body, I tried to roll off of my bed, but he easily put his arm between me and the floor stopping me. Every wiggle I had, every push I could summon, all my lower body strength to push him off of me- or even give me a break away. None of it worked.

Over and over again I told him no. Firmly I said NO. Sweetly I said no. I laughed and said no- in a nonjudgmental way. I begged No. I tried reasoning with him.Nothing phased him or even slowed him down. Finally, he stopped and leaned back, still keeping me pinned- but in an illusive way, to lower my defenses, but not actually go anywhere.Just let me.No.Look Im not going to stick it in.Yes you are. You've been trying this whole time.No All I wanted was to rub it against you, on the outside.That is total crap.No really.You actually expect me to believe that? I've been covering my vagina with my hands and that's the only thing thats kept you from getting inside me, and even then you almost got in. You actually think I believe that?Look I just want to please you by rubbing the outside of you.Well I dont want that. I also dont want to have sex with you. At all. You need to let me go. Give me back my clothes. Im done.No. You're going to love it. Trust me.No! I don't want to!

This went on for some time. He spent about 5-10 minutes trying to persuade me to drop my hands. He finally persuaded me. I was hoping to use that momentary lull to push myself off the bed, but he had himself inside me before I even had my hands down to push off against the bed. He groaned with pleasure. I was shocked.

After about a minute I decided I wanted to try and enjoy it, since I couldnt stop it. In some way it was as if enjoying it would change everything- make it less horrible. But as he thrust over and over again, it hurt. I was dry because I just couldnt enjoy it. Yes! Haha, now he will have to stop.
But he kept going.
And going.
It was probably only a few minutes, but it began to hurt. Finally I stopped him long enough to wet it, but it made me disgusted having him inside my mouth. I pulled away in revulsion, and he already had himself inside me again.
Thats when the realization that I could not fake myself into liking this. No, I did not want to have sex with him. He tricked me- fooled me completely. I went completely limp, reliving that feeling I had when I had first been raped as a child. That disconnect hoping that i could leave my body.

He continued to rape me, but in a loud way, groaning and shouting in pleasure. Truthfully, it was like a movie. A bad movie, a spoof of a dumb movie. The way he exclaimed brought me out of my disassociation. He ended with a weird over dramatic ending. I felt like I was watching a scene from the movie Scary Movie.
How was he able to get off when I was completely not into it? I literally stared at him in wonder as he did his deal. It was like he wasnt even having sex with me. He did not try to please me. He did not care that I was not enjoying it. I cannot even imagine as an adult how anyone could enjoy that.
It made me feel disgusting.
I do not even remember what happened after that.
*******************************************************************************

The next day I went straight to my friends' house where my son had spent the night. Sitting there with my son, holding him in my lap, my best friend talking to me, I could only stare off into space. All I heard was noise. My friend just talked and went around the house. We were both nurses. She did not notice it. Still not ready to deal with it, to admit it myself, I was half glad, half horrified. At one point I looked my best friend in the eye, trying to catch her notice, but she looked into my eyes and did not see it. Still I did not know what to say and she would not stay still so I could tell her.

Then my phone went off.

The big date- How did it go?
OMG My ex. The guy that doesnt even care enough about me to make me his girlfriend. He's the last person I want to talk to right now.It went ok.Ok? I thought this was the guy?Yeah, no. He was too young, just like I thought.Well tell me what happened.It was cool. We went out, had a few drinks, ate a nice dinner, danced and that was it.That was it?Pretty much.That's it? What did he do?He was nice. Smart. Funny. But it isnt going to work out.Are you ok? Something happened didn't it?What?You are acting funny, what's wrong? Did you guys make out?No. I did not like him like that.Theres something wrong, did he do something to you?Why do you care?He date raped you didn't he?Yeah he pushed it a little too far.No, he date raped you. Yes, he did.Are you ok?I'll be fine.

OMG. He's right...........
Wait....How could he tell? My own best friend is right in front of me, and he knew over text messages.