I get that as a parent you are bound to have some rough days. I understand that there will be moments when you look at your life, full of craziness, and wonder what is going on and how you got there. I have had those kinds of days, weeks even.

But lately, I have had more bad days than good. The truth of this makes me incredibly sad.

I am not sure what is causing the problem with my boys. Their ages or close proximity in age? The fact that they want for nothing and are pretty spoiled by all that know them? My lack of follow-through and constant need to make them happy? That they are just boys?

I just don't know. I think it is most likely a combination of all of these things and they are colliding at just the right time these days creating the perfect storm within our house. I am starting to think none of us are happy.

It is embarrassing to say they are just out of control. As in they have gone bat-shit crazy and act like animals wherever and whenever they want. They do not listen to me. AT ALL.

When I was younger and would hang out with kids who behaved like animals I remember not liking them. I remember talking about how obnoxious they were and how their family was a disaster. Perhaps this is karma biting me in the ass. Point well made.

Lately our house is filled with mis-behaving, tantruming, rambunctious, defiant children. It is also filled with screaming, threatening, miserable parents. No one is winning. They are not getting it and we are beyond frustrated with them and each other. We always want it to be somebodies fault the kids are behaving this way so we generally blame each other.

It is me saying things like if you didn't all wrestle with them and play so rough then maybe they wouldn't be punching each other all the time and him shooting back things like if you only followed through with one thing maybe they wouldn't tell you to F off when you threaten them. And so on.

Already today Jack has thrown two epic tantrums (yes, he is 5 and should be over tantrum throwing but he is apparently holding on to the habit), broken a glass pane in a door in my house, gotten into a boxing match at the deli and sprayed each other with applesauce during lunch. It is 1:10pm and both of them are in their beds and will most likely stay there the remainder of the day.

Someone please tell me how to do this right because after all that I just sit in tears, my throat raw from screaming, knowing damn well no one is listening. I don't want to be the mom with bad kids. I don't want to have to scream and yell and I don't want people to stare at me in public thinking they are so happy those aren't their kids!

I need help but I have no idea what that help is and where to find it. All I know is this is hard and we are unhappy and I don't want kids that act like assholes.

Send help or vodka or the number to the local orphanage or I am going to need more wooden spoons and a divorce lawyer stat.

Tomorrow is the big day. The first day of school for both Jack and Joey. They could not be more displeased.

It all started with Jack. Jack is my kid who doesn't deal well with change and is well, difficult, I guess you could say. He is smart and funny and can be so kind but he is not what I would describe as easy going. There is no rolling with the punches with this kid. He wants to do things on his terms, his way, the way he wants when he wants. Like most 5 year olds he isn't keen on rules and being told what he has to do. Like, you know, going to kindergarten.

I don't even think it's the going to school part that is causing us so many problems. It is the fact that he is going to a new school with new friends. And oh my God nothing will be the same as it was at my school...if I had a quarter for every time I have heard that in the past month. Since my kids go to a private preschool they have to start fresh at the public school for kindergarten. The kids in preschool are from all over town so they all end up dispersed in our towns many elementary schools. Jack knows no one in his new class. And so the anxiety begins.

About a week or two ago he started telling us he WAS NOT GOING. Period. End of discussion. He didn't care that we were the boss and that we said he had to go, he was not going to do it. He also informed us he was not going to listen to his teacher, he was not going to read and he was not, under any circumstances, going to learn and be smart. No way, no how.

See what I mean? Difficult. So we have listened to his concerns (that he won't like it there and he won't have any friends) and we've tried to reassure him to the best of our abilities. But I will admit after weeks of this, Jay and I are running short on patience and high on YOU WILL GO AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. So there's that. No one is happy and no one is winning.

He saw his classroom today and met his teacher (who seems like the best kindergarten teacher ever) and even met a few boys from his class who he promptly told me he probably wouldn't be friends with as they ran off to play. *Deep breaths...*

I know he is nervous for tomorrow morning and so am I. I want nothing more for my baby to be smiling and confident on his first day of school. It would be icing on the cake if he would actually be polite and pleasant. I am scared for what tomorrow morning brings. I don't want my kid to hate school - or me for making him go.

Then there is Joey. My sweet faced, special child. He is starting preschool tomorrow at the same school Jack just left. He will have the same teacher his brother had in 3 year old preschool and still he did nothing but cling to my leg and suck his thumb at his open house the other night. He tells me he wants to go to school but he wants me to go with him - and his blankie to come too.

So there are two boys upstairs sleeping who will be off to school in the morning (even if the first day is only like an hour and a half long!) My stress and anxiety level is running high tonight and I am praying and begging the sweet baby Jesus the morning goes smoothly. Hoping that my boys although hesitant will walk into school scared but walk out smiling, happy.

I am not super religious. Yes, I believe in God and try my best to have faith but I will be the first to admit I am not hauling my butt out of bed every Sunday morning for church.

I believe you can have faith and believe in God without having to necessarily go to church to pray. Some of my biggest prayers have been answered in hospital beds. I think if you believe in God (or any other religious figure) then He is with you.

We sent Jack to a Lutheran preschool and Joey will start at the same school this year. It is a great school and we love the program. They have a regular school curriculum and they also have "Jesus Time" every day. It is a good mix of the basic school stuff and a little religious ed as well. I have no problem with my kids learning about Jesus as long as they know their alphabet too.

Since Jack has been attending school there he has had quite a few questions about God. Things like why his Papa has been in heaven at Jesus' house for so long or why God makes people die. He has recently started asking me why God would make the Earth have such big storms like tornadoes that rip out trees and blow people's houses down.

All of these are great questions for a 5 year old. I have been able to answer them in a way that he understands while hoping not to create additional questions about why God does the things he does.

I explained that people sometime go to heaven to be angels or to be Jesus's helper. I told him that Papa had to live forever at Jesus's house because he does special things up there like look down on us and keep us safe. I told him that God made storms like tornadoes so that when old trees fall down knew trees get a chance to grow and live and people's houses do sometimes get destroyed but that means they get new houses to start fresh with.

Although these answers aren't all completely true they are all I can offer him. The truth is, I don't know. I don't get it myself. I'm not sure why his Papa had to go too soon or why people's lives are sometimes destroyed by acts of God. I do my best to believe and have faith, but there are days that is just so hard to do.

The day I learned my good friends baby passed away at 4 months old I could not make myself understand why God does what he does. At that time all I could think was his plan was pretty shitty. When my dear friend died moments after her son was born, tragically and entirely too young, I thought this is not fair. Why would any God take this baby's Mom away? There were no answers that brought me any peace. It is just unfair.

Then yesterday I got the news that a girl I went to high school with passed away. She was 32 years old and one of the most wonderful people I came across during my high school years. Although I've only run into her a few times since I graduated, she was still the same great girl. When I think of her back then I think only one thing...everyone liked her. Really, do you know how hard that is in high school? I can't recall ever hearing one single negative thing about this girl. She was loved by everyone. She was funny, smart and caring. She was doing great things in her life. She has an incredible family full of brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews who are literally heartbroken over her being gone.

So right now all I can do is ask God, why? Why her? Why did she have to get cancer and not beat it? Why take a girl who has so much to live for and so many people loving her? Because I am certain there are people out there that don't deserve to see the light of day for the things they have done and still you take her....a coach, a friend, someones daughter, sister and aunt.

I am trying hard to believe in God tonight. Right now I am not finding any peace or comfort in his plan. I pray she is at peace tonight and her family has the faith to believe. Goodbye, Ellen. You will be missed.