October Horrorshow: Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Films like Birdemic: Shock and Terror exist on a rare plain where traditional criticism and traditional standards of film quality no longer apply. There is no way possible that I could point out, any more effectively than the film itself, just how God-awful it is. This is, without a doubt, the single worst movie I have ever seen. There is nothing in it, at any point, that appears to be the result of a professional film production. It has a staggering amount of ineptness in everything — from pacing, plot, dialogue, cinematography, editing, sound, direction, acting, or anything else I can’t be bothered to name. Possibly the costumes were passable, but I’m not going back to double check.

The brainchild of former Silicon Valley software salesman James Nguyen, Birdemic, at first, appears to be the worst way for a dotcom winner to piss away some of his money. But this film is so bad, so unbelievably incompetent in every single way, that it has attained cult status, along such other grandees of hopelessness as Plan 9 From Outer Space, Manos: The Hands of Fate, and The Room. This horrible, terrible movie is even worse than Black Devil Doll From Hell. But because it’s so bad, it has become a successful film. The horror!

Spending any more time on this mess is close to futile, but it has to be noted that along with that list of ineptness cited above, the special effects have to be added. The special effects, and I am not exaggerating, have all the sophistication of a looping gif layered on top of someone’s home movie. There are CGI objects that resemble birds, and they transition their wings in movements meant to evoke flapping, but that’s about it for their resemblance to real birds.

But, what’s this movie about?

Birdemic is about a bunch of birds that attack a bunch of bad actors in Silicon Valley. The End.

If one insists on watching this movie, seek out the RiffTrax version. Birdemic: Shock and Terror is so much worse than Alien: Resurrection that it is just about impossible to watch without the aid of professional mockery. Otherwise, stay away. It’s just not worth your time.