People hear “Halloween,” and they go, “What a fabulous occasion to don my ‘Jar of applesauce that happens to be depressed’ suit and annoy the only friend who hasn’t shunned me yet.” Somebody has to be buying up all of the weird Halloween costumes I keep seeing in Danish online stores.

Is there a group of hipsters buying these suits ironically? Is it a supervillain who’s building an army of tackily dressed minions? Your kooky great-uncle who thinks that wearing a helmet, pouring ketchup on his face, and painting one of his teeth black to make it look like it’s not there makes for an epic Wayne Gretzky impersonation?

In any case, this is fast becoming a cherished Halloween tradition. I’ve already written not one, not seven, but exactly two posts on Danish Halloween costumes of the WTF variety. Why stop there?

Zombie. Hot dog. Think about that. There’s a heart-wrenching story behind this suit. It’s a giant hot dog that has but one wish in this world: to become human, to feel what humans feel. Against all odds, it gains sentience, only to get immediately bitten by some asshole zombie and turn into a shambling piece of infected sausage stuffed between two pieces of sad, soggy bread. What a cruel fate!

“I can see that, but, like – are you the last survivor of a nuclear holocaust? A safety inspector racing against the clock to fix a deadly gas leak at a toxic weapons factory? Resident of Earth in the year 2371 when our atmosphere is mostly methane and residual fumes from rotten McDonald’s wrappers?”

“Gas mask.”

“Right. Nice chatting to ya, I’ll be over there in the corner, using other people’s fleshy bodies as a natural barrier between us.”

This misguided tribute to Disney’s Fantasia will forever be remembered for the prolonged awkward silence among party guests and little Tim hysterically beseeching his mother to explain why the man with the creepy smile is wearing Hyacinth Hippo’s skin.

Look. I’m not exactly a give-it-your-best-effort-for-Halloween kind of guy myself. But this is a few levels below “Gas Mask” on the no-fucks-given spectrum. This “costume” is so lazy, even the pistol is having a serious case of erectile dysfunction.

This is the most honest costume on the list, because it succinctly tells us how little of a damn the owner gives about dressing up for our stupid party and exactly where we can shove our complaints about it.

I’d like to wear the finger- but I’d never pull it off. I’d spend the entire party apologizing for offending anyone.
I’ve never heard of Monster Candy either… looks like it might appeal to some fetish.
Very funny stuff Daniel!!