to make matters worse im 25 weeks pregnant with my sons little brother. eek i wish that time would fly by and the next week would be over. im going to my moms for the day and it will only be immidiate family for a cake. all our friends asked why we werent throwing a party. i just mumbled something about work commitments and smalll family gathering. but in honesty i wont feel like throwing a huge party on the first anneversay of pe and my little preemie

I want to echo in & tell you I totally understand. My son was born Dec '08 before Christmas, but my PP PE kicked in the 21st well into Jan. Well, now Christmas freaks me out, my favorite time of year =( So, I didn't know how I'd handle the holidays. My family and friends did NOT understand, and if I had more sense I would have posted it here! I kept telling family that I didn't want to make a lot of plans because I didn't know how I'd feel re-living the holiday times. However, I was fine. I decided to look at it differently. I wanted to just reflect on how far I had come since then. What a scary time!
I still have a little trouble driving past the hospital, though. It makes me a bit panicky...

Klutsyone01 - I know what you mean about not being able to find the joy. I refused to have my son't birthday party on his birthday. I really didn't even want a party but it was for the grandparents. My family couldn't understand why I wasn't excited. To me, it was the worst day of my life and I didn't want to celebrate it. The only people who really understood were the women here. This is where I realized that I wasn't a bad mom just because I wasn't excited about my son's birthday. We are all amazing moms for having the strength to be there for our kids even when we feel like ****. We come here for support and together we make each other stronger. It is ok if you don't find the joy, we see the joy in our kids everyday because of what they do, not because it is the anniversary of the day they were born. Anne, I will be thinking about you tomorrow and wishing you a peaceful day. Wow, that felt good to get that all out. Thanks for listening!

Im so glad that you posted this! my little mans first birthday is next fri. and as the week winds down, i am constantly reminded of what i was doing last year. i havent even found the joy in the little mans birthday cause all i can focas on is the memories of what happend.

Hi Anne! I understand. You were there for me when I felt this way a few months ago on my son's first birthday. http://www.preeclampsia.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=38887 (not sure if this is how to link to a topic, but this is the best I could figure out)
Please know that while you may be feeling awful now, you have been a great help to others who have felt awful too. This disease just plain sucks. You ladies are the only ones who understand the lingering pain and the feelings and flashbacks that may get better but never fully go away. Please know we are all right there with you. I hated my son't birthday, but this forum helped me to realize that it was ok to feel that way. You are never the same after an experience like we have had, so remember you are strong and have a great support system. I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better - hold your little girl tight and know that you are not alone.