- LONLINESS & HOLIDAYS

It's that time-a year again, hope everyone is well. This time-a year, it's easy to get "wrapped up" (no pun intended) w/ Christmas bells as the malls swell. When I get into the stores, w/ the abundance-a people, overhead speakers announcing at full volume the great deal in aisle 5...I myself have the tendancy to start feeling that "escape mode" settle in. That "twisted stated of mind that precedes that first drink" is likely upon me at this moment. Many of the malls these days have these little "quiet" corner pubs stashed "inconspicuously" about; "patio" lounges, etc., sometimes for me...the lonliest place in the world can be in the most crowded place on the planet. Today, I do my shopping & "going" a little differently...I'm grateful that I am able to. Those "moonlight/midnight" madness' stores have...instead of going early, I'll go a little later, once the crowd has thinned out--the closer to closing time, sometimes, the better those deals are. Three little words, I hang on to 3 little words like it's a life preserver...

This has always been a rough time of year for me, even as a kid I was never particularly happy, joyous and free during the holiday season. Some years are better than others, but I'm not dancing around with jingle bells on my toes.

I did a lot of my shopping on line, to keep me removed from the frenzy of the stores. When I did have to go to stores, I timed it to beat the crowds and the lines, just as you said.

I've been getting to some more meetings than usual, listening to speaker tapes in the car, and talking to others. The extra meetings, I'm going to groups I don't usually go to -- to hear some new perspectives and keep it fresh.

Our Intergroup runs an Alkathon 24/7 right around Christmas; I've never been, but it's nice to know it's there.

A.A. Alkathon's for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have been a mainstay for me since I was new in A.A.

In the beginning, the loneliness, guilt and remorse were overwhelming on those particular holidays. When the radio stations and stores would start playing the holiday music it seemed to send me into a frenzy of loneliness and negative emotions.

When I was a couple of years sober (still experiencing those same emotions during the holidays) I got involved with a group of A.A.'s who chartered buses and went around to institutions singing Christmas songs to those who were institutionalized.

At first, it felt as though I was raw with numerous open wounds of the past. Then, one Christmas eve, as I discovered that I was one of the sober A.A.'s, who had received the gift of survival, my heart melted with tears of gratitude and it seemed as though some overwhelming spiritual experience started another healing process inside me.

It felt as though there was a little me that had been locked away behind invisible walls of "just-be-tough and get through life" and a "deny the reality of the feelings and this too shall pass" mental prison. And, in that moment, the gates were opened and I was set free.

As I look back on it now, I understand it a little better through the light of a personality change that was taking place inside me that would allow me to continue the process of recovery.

I feel that I have a responsibility to be in more meetings and alkathons now, during the holiday seasons... so that I can be there to hopefully discover someone else... who is new and fresh in sobriety, who is having a difficult time like I did, and be able to reach out to them, as those who reached out to me did. My hope is to be helpful to them and my reality is that it's actually continuing to help me.

Happy Holidays to All of you!!!! Each of you who are regulars on this site are very special to me. Thank you for participating on the site and for participating in my life and in my recovery. It's wonderful to be able to share this special time with you. Even though we are many miles apart from each other you are all present with me in my heart and in my mind.