If you're gonna post a scandalous Facebook pic, THIS is how to do it. We miss you, Apollonia.

Men spend an inordinate amount of time in the pursuit of encounters with sexy women. These encounters need not be in the real world, of course. I mean, I don’t have to tell you which industry is responsible for the big, beautiful broadband world we live in right now, do I? Hint: it involves naked people having sex.

But guys don’t need to satisfy our sex fix with explicit material. Women in sexy outfits, making sexy faces, hinting at sexy things that they might do will work just fine (while we’re in public, at least). Lucky for us, ladies seem more than happy to quench our thirst for this stuff, and the rise of social media has provided them with a huge hose to like, drown us in T&A. Sorry, Yeezy, but that’s a beautiful death.

From the crazy number of entries to American Apparel’s 2010 “Best Bottom Contest” to sites like ilikecurves.com (lots of pros, but plenty of amateurs in there), women love to let us know that they look sexy. And I love that they love it. I just wonder why they love it.

Don’t get me wrong. It makes my day when I see some fine ass lady has posted a picture of herself with a come-hither pucker on some juicy, shimmering lips, rockin’ a body-hugging dress so tight it appears to be a strange but erotic skin mutation. Freakum dresses are wonderful, splendid gifts from the gods and are right beneath leggings and biking shorts as the greatest fashion innovation since…well…clothes.

I’m just sayin’ though, it’s like you just walked up to everybody you’re cool with and said, “Me and my girls went to the club last night and I was lookin’ tatalicious: check out these blatant, semi-lesbian photos! But wait, there’s more! If you click right now, I’ll throw in this trunk-rattlin’ donk shot – tilt your laptop a little and you might even see some cheek pokin’ out!”

I loves it, but why are there SO many semi-scandalous pictures of you at the club? And of you in your bikini at the beach? And of you in your bikini at the club on the beach? I’m not buying that you got dressed and took those pictures for yourself, etc., etc. That argument barely holds water in the real world and the whole goddamned bottom drops out the bucket when you extend it to posting photos on Facebook. By definition, when you put that image on a social network, YOU WANT AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE TO SEE IT. At least the ones in your personal network.

If you ask me, there’s such a preponderance of this behavior because a big segment of women want desperately to be sex symbols. It validates their self-image and shores up their self-esteem. I actually feel somewhat silly writing that because it’s not too controversial of a thought, really. Women know that men like attractive, sexually interesting (and interested) women, so why wouldn’t women want to appeal to that desire? We all do what we need to do to feel wanted, no matter the context. We all want to know that we contribute to the world in some way and to be recognized for it.

Of course, most ladies also want to be respected professionals, venerated spouses and adored parents, too. No one is denying or minimizing that fact. It’s just that until recently, as crazy as it sounds, it was a lot easier to be a great ad executive or professor or mom than it was to be a pin-up girl, at least for a big audience.

Facebook, Twitter and now Instagram, where the artsy sexy pics go to live, have changed all of that. Today, a woman can show everybody that’s she’s a mother AND a MILF, electronically gushing as compliments like, “OK WERK IT GUUUURRRL” and “Damn! Tell Craig he betta treat you rite!” just stream in. Cherie, the second year med student, need only tag herself in the mechanical bull shot with her girl Peaches to hint at how sweet a night out with the two of them might be. Dude, who needs King, FHM or even Playboy when you’ve got the muthaeffin’ News Feed?!

Again, I’m all for it. Self-expression, especially semi-nude self-expression of the female variety, is a moral imperative.

In fact, just to show my commitment to this noble principle, I’m inviting all you ladies to post your sexiest photo to www.facebook.com/scissorspeaks or tweet it to @scissorspeaks. The one who gets the most positive comments will win a date with me and I’ll interview you about your experience for an upcoming post – you’ll get to tell errbody how it really is. But here’s the catch: you’ve also gotta include a picture of you when you first wake up.

Nah, I’m not saying that those of you who avoid the Sexy do so because you don’t want to be considered desirable. There may be a number of reasons why you don’t indulge – concerns about privacy or reputation probably top the list. And that’s just it: if there are such strong reasons against putting those images up, there must be something pretty powerful motivating all those women to engage in sharing. I think that motivating factor is ego nourishment.
Now, someone’s gonna say, “What about the need for self-expression and its inherent value? Why does it have to be about ego?” Well, in my book, self-expression is just a vehicle for ego nourishment, so there’s no contradiction there. I mean, “self” is the first syllable in the word, dude.
By the way, it’s important to note that there is nothing wrong with ego in and of itself. It’s only when one’s ego starts to run rampant, devouring everything in sight, that the picture gets effed up.