Spoof news stories from Friday 11 March 2011

Kanye West proved yet again that it takes some people a long time to get over bad behavior no matter how much you grovel and plead and say sorry, I'm a dumb ass.
Case in point is Paris Fashion Week and West's difficulties in getting invited to two...

MIAMI - Scientific and oceanographic experts at the highly prestigious Moby Dick Institute For the Study of Oceanographic Graphical Occurrences are stating that the magnitude of the March 11 Japanese earthquake is so powerful that it will have devast...

With our native stocks of cod, haddock and plaice in decline, celebrity chefs Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall and Jamie Oliver (as part of Channel 4s Fish Fight series) have been encouraging us to eat a wider variety of fish. However, the latest addition...

A Sussex man was found guilty of looking at a young ladies bottom yesterday, in the middle of a high street.
Ted Brabham, 47, was walking around Horsham with his wife Enid, doing a spot of shopping, when he was caught looking at the posterior of a...

Following quickly in the steps of France's President Nicolas Sarkozy, "GI" Dave Cameron was quick to jump into the fray ahead of US President Obama, begging France to reopen 'Lend Lease' in order to "borrow" some planes to enforce Britain's ambitiou...

MANCHESTER - It has not been a good week for the Red Devils of Manchester United as Sir Alex Ferguson's team lost to rivals Chelsea and Liverpool.
The team from Manchester managed to score only one goal in each of the two games.
One of the sta...

MALIBU BEACH - Charlie Sheen speaking from his house on Malibu Beach has instructed his attorney to start working up the paperwork just in case the Japanese Tsunami hits Malibu Beach.
Sheen is contending that nature has unleashed this horrendously...

MADISON, Wisconsin - Immediately following the signing of the bill that strips Wisconsin public workers of their collective bargaining rights, Scott Walker's Facebook page took a huge hit. The unpopular governor lost tens of thousands of former suppo...

Magnificent Liverpudlian Psychic with the distinguished (and full bodied) head of hair, Derek Acorah, was pictured leaving his home in Southport today wearing odd socks.
Acorah's aide, Eric D'Accord, laughed off the whole incident.
"Derek is tr...

For anyone doubting Newt Gingrich's claims that working too hard or, in his words, "plunging oneself too deeply into their work" can cause many married men to stray, a new study just out actually proves he may be telling the truth.
In fact, Gingr...

Irish diplomats have finally admitted that Libyan dictator Colonel Gaddafi is a native Irishman and relative of gombeen politician Jackie Healy Rae.
The very bold leader has tried to cover the secret for decades but since the collapse of his iron-...

The associations governing senior football in the U.K - the English Football Association, Scottish Football Association, Football Association of Wales and the Irish Football Association - have been meeting in secret over the last few months and are s...

The Tsunami that hit California brought with it several unintended consequences as Marine Border Patrol reports are coming in of Great White Sharks having surfed their way up the Colorado River snacking on several illegal immigrants attempting to flo...

Man City's Argentinian super-star is suing an Argentinian TV show for calling him ugly (what? never!). It seems this particular cartoon show is massively popular in his homeland and keeps on jibing him about his looks?
"Enough is enough," claimed...

Hot on the heels of Comic Relief, Red Nose Day, Sport Relief, Band Aid, Lemon Aid and Hearing Aid, "Who Cares?" day will run on the 15th of next month at the Scunthorpe Leisure and Bingo Centre.
With funds being raised in aid of "Apathy" the organ...

The newly crowned Miss United Britain, who just happens to be a Muslim has caused quite a stir amongst the male, Muslim fraternity in the UK.
Firstly she won the Miss United Britain contest showing her hair, "what, how dare she, daughter of a whor...

Madison, WI - You would think that Governor Walker would have learned his lesson after a blogger prank-called him last month, posing as conservative billionaire industrialist David Koch. But he hasn't, and he has been punked again. This time it was an--as yet--unidentified writer at The Spoof.
Posing as Lt. General Ramsey MacDonald, he called the governors cell phone and recorded the conversat...

David Beckham has revealed a heavenly new tattoo - an image of himself portrayed as Jesus. The 35-year-old footballer has deified himself in ink, surrounded by three cherubs that represent his own sons Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz.
Beckham unveiled t...

Newt Gingrtch called a press conference today to quell the discomfort of many evangelical Christians regarding his past marital infidelities.
He opened by saying, "In my head and in my heart I am a true conservative. It's my dick that's been a li...

Japan - Introduced into Japan's temperate waters in 1921, the progeny of a mating pair of Nomura's Jellyfish are set to cause catastrophe in the Pacific Ring Of Fire's quake-hit zone.
Seismologists said today up to 10 million of the giant beasties...

The skint, hard up and penniless are up in arms today after it was revealed that Cas4gold.con are no longer going to accept goldfish.
"It turns out," said Cas Aurum, atomic weight 79, CEO of Cas4gold.con, "Goldfish are not made of gold."
This a...

Nick Clegg has told Liberal Democrats to "hold your nerve" as he prepares to face party activists angered by falling poll ratings and public anger and activism against the cuts.
Nick Clegg, with Prime Minister, David Cameron, also face strong cr...

Lines formed around the block in San Francisco at the city's marijuana distribution points as citizens prepared for emergency conditions following an 8.9 earthquake in Japan and a Tsunami warning extending from the California coast up to Washington...

Royal Wedding watchers, Prince William and even Her Royal Highness Majesty Ma'am the Queen were delighted to hear that the soon to be royal addition to the family, Kate Middleton, has come out of the closet.
The Duke of Edinburgh, never one to hid...

A Liverpool road was forced to close last night after fans made a deluge outside the hotel where Canadian singer, Justin Bieber, was staying ahead of his concert at the weekend.
Bieber, who is just 17 said, "Do you want to know a secret? Everybod...

Prince William and Catherine Middleton are to avoid falling into a toilet at their Royal Wedding by a clever move.
Catherine, better known as Kate, is to have her initial C before the W of William inscribed on Wedding memorobilia, thus avoiding th...

The budget cuts sweeping the UK are not leaving the Isle of Wight out, with the Island council asked to trim their budget by twenty percent, or nearly five hundred pounds.
One of the more tragic cuts is the enforced early retirement of Frank Excha...

HOLLYWOOD - American Idol's 'Lucky 13' contestants have now been cut down to a dozen of one, two half dozen of the other.
The season's first three singers who found themselves in the infamous "Bottom 3" were Karen Rodriguez of New York, Haley Reinhart of Illinois, and Ashthon Jones of Georgia.
And after sitting through live performances from Adam Lambert and P. Diddy, or Puff Diddy, or Puff...

LOS ANGELES - The once happy couple has told the entertainment media that they are no longer happy or a couple.
Speaking from his rented beach house on Venice Beach, Timberlake said that after being together for three years he just decided to bre...

Australia is to invest in a major refurbishment of its immigration centre at Christmas Island.
The Australian government has announced that it is to expand all the centre's 1500 beds fro 6 feet to 7.9 feet in length.
The facility, which was bui...

Everton boss David Moyes is the surprise winner of the Romantic Novel of The Year for his first submission "Musings On Merseyside".
The ginger haired Glaswegian, widely regarded as one of the best homegrown bosses in the country, was praised for h...

President Barack Obama opened up the first federal attack on bullying in schools by convening a press conference and stating unequivocally, "I don't care how many times you see me kissing Michelle's shoes, I do it willingly. It's not because of bull...

Under fire Libyan Leader Muammar Gaddafi has donated the fee his son received from the London School of Economics for his controversial video link appearance at the college's Ralph Miliband Lectures.
Saif al-Gaddafi received a nominal 50 cent fee...

Former boy band Blue, who reunited in 2009 after a 4 year split, have announced that they will be taking part in this year's Eurovision Song Contest.
They will perform their song "I Can" on this week's Graham Norton show.
Eurovision have moved...

LOS ANGELES - In a move that has surprised a lot of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider fans, as well as fans of Angelina Jolie the film's producers have decided to move on with the series minus its star Angelina Jolie.
And movie critics from El Lay to the Bi...

HOLLYWOOD - The very first winner of American Idol, Kelly Clarkson has told AI host Ryan Seacrest that he needs to tell his fellow Georgia peach that she needs to stop dressing like a backwoods hillbilly.
Clarkson said that she came very close to...

In a stunning bid to modernise its image (lest it should end up being lampooned on some satirical news website somewhere - as if!) the Holy Church has approved the most far reaching changes it has seen since the inception of the "Buddy Christ".
As...

In a recent interview with David Brody on CBS, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said of his past extramarital affairs, "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked fa...

HOLLYWOOD - After months of being in production the film classic Red Riding Hood is riding fast towards a movie theater near you.
The movie was directed by the extremely talented and busy Catherine Hardwicke, who also directed the Twilight series,...

MALIBU BEACH - Oceanic scientists are extremely baffled as to how in the world hundreds of Louisiana tar balls from last year's Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill are presently washing up on the shore of Malibu Beach.
One resident who, requested anonymity, but who did reveal that he is a new judge on this years American Idol, stated that one minute he was cooking wieners and the next he was looking at th...

LOS ANGELES - Vanessa sat at a table at The Gunfight At The OK Corral Steak House talking about her latest motion picture.
She told Tequila Tallyho of Left Coast Mirror Magazine that she had never enjoyed making a movie more than she did Beastly.

HOLLWOOD - Many television critics are saying that this season of American Idol has far more than the usual share of fairly good, talented performers.
The national publication USA Sunup has stated that they feel that Casey Abrams, the singer with...

Following the long expected retirement of Genesis front man Phil Collins, it has been revealed that his replacement will be a two year old Koi Carp and not the lead singer from Marillion as you might have thought from reading this headline (that'll t...

John Sullivan, of Boston Lincolnshire, inspired by the novel, Pet Sematary, and the film of the same name starring Herman out of the Munsters, decided to transport his dead wife and child to the state of Maine in the USA, and attempt to have them com...

LOS ANGELES, CA - Long-cherished passions die a difficult death, and working in television for many actors is a passion that, for them, will never die. Just ask 1970's TV icon Lee Majors, who for several years enjoyed the spoils of portraying a man worth more than most midsize corporations back at that time.
Thirty-five years ago, Majors was a household name, a hero to millions of fans acros...

Over forty years ago, the world was humbled first by Apollo 11 landing on the moon, and then by the introduction of Star Trek - showing us that we can live as one in a happy peaceable universe, as long as Capt. James T Kirk can get his dose of green skinned women first, presumably the good captain was unfamilliar with soap on those long voyages.
Many have thought that the struggle between the k...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was reported to be happy again, for the first time since early on Sunday as both Liverpool AND Manchester Sh-sorry City were beaten away from home home in their respective Europa League first round ties.
Observers sa...

London - The pictures were accidentally hacked into by Daily Smearer reporters on the edge of the Andy Coulson affair.
Their existence has seen a furious Palace rumpus erupt as the UK Representative for Rough Trade And Investment fights to save hi...

Popular uprisings in Middle East dictatorships have had a surprising effect closer to home.
The nation's goldfish have begun to make a stand against their limited freedoms and living conditions.
The pets with the notoriously short attention spa...