Every week for a couple months now, I’ve been all, “Hey guys, be sure to submit questions to the mailbag! The email’s right here. You can ask anything during the offseason.” And almost every week, people are like, “Whatever, the mailbag will happen regardless of whether I actually contribute anything.” And so a lot of these recent columns have been pretty thin.

Well, I’m tired of asking for you to write in and not getting anything. This week’s mailbag is two people who wrote in, plus a bunch of questions posted on Yahoo! Answers. F*ck y’all.

Let’s start things off with a lady emailer:

Dear KSK,

Fantasy: I don’t have anything. I’m sure i’ll end up with Eli Manning for the 10th year in a row. Here’s a gif of Kate Upton readusting her swimsuit top.

How does she make something so unappealing look so sexy????

By biting her lip and having big boobs. The bedroom eyes help, too.

SEX: I’m going to my hometown for the weekend and unfortunately my ex is friends with all of my friends. This used to be okay because we used to be okay but after a few drunk dials and angry voicemails on both ends we aren’t cool. The last time I texted him he texted back to say “Is this Chris?” Lovely.

So he probably deleted your number, meaning he’s moved on. (Or he was trolling you. But I’d guess it’s probably the former.)

I want to see all our mutual friends back home but I don’t want to see him. Unfortunately I know there’s a good chance he’ll be wherever they are. Do I just ditch my friends for the weekend? Do I just put up with hanging out with him even though it’ll be awkward and uncomfortable?

-Kathleen in Shipsburgh

It will only be awkward and uncomfortable if you let it make you feel awkward and uncomfortable. Hang out with your friends and enjoy yourself, and if you end up talking to him, be a civil adult. Maybe even apologize for your drunk dials and angry voicemails that led to the not-coolness. Then he can apologize too, and you guys can both relax and have fun with your friends. Just don’t get drunk and sleep with him, because that would just start everything all over again.

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Dear KSK, Sex: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months (I was out of town for a month on a hunting trip and a wedding). She’s 34 and I’m 26. Things had been relatively casual until the past month or so. I felt like it was the appropriate time to drop the L bomb and she reciprocated. We had a brief discussion about kids (both are for it). Yesterday, she asked me something along the lines of if I wanted to have kids with her. I didn’t give much of an answer since I’m still trying to figure that out myself. What should I be looking for? She also mentioned her brother and mom pressuring her to have a kid.

“I love you, 34-Year-Old Woman. Whoa, KIDS?!?!?? Like, now?”

For widest dissemination to all single men: you cannot date a woman in her mid-thirties without an acute awareness that she may want to have kids, and soon. (She also may not, and that’s fine. But it’s better to be prepared for the possibility that she does.) This is called Not Being Surprised By Life’s Most Obvious Shit.

Her financial situation is messy at best and mine is solid. I have paid off my student loans and my house. She’s about a house-worth in-debt for an English degree.

Thanks, Chip Shipsley

Perhaps I’m reading too much into it, but the tone of your email suggests that you’re not prepared to have kids with your girlfriend. “I felt it was the appropriate time to drop the L bomb” just doesn’t convey the passion and enthusiasm of “I really love this woman and I think I want to spend my life with her.” Even your assessment of her finances — while certainly important — feels clinical when the issue is bringing life into the world with someone you love.

It’s entirely possible I’m reading that wrong, and you could very well want to have kids with this woman. But it seems to me that you need to put a LOT more serious thought into this.

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You and your sister want different things in life. She seems very smart, career-focused, and independent, as evidenced by her saying “I don’t want to get married or have kids,” YOU IMPOSSIBLY DENSE SIMPLETON. Or maybe she’s a lesbian, who gives a shit? Stay out of her business and let her live her own life.

p.s. Indian women with Australian accents? [*boner hits desk*]

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I have so many questions. Why would you marry someone who loves fishing and hates to be alone IF YOU HATE FISHING? Why can’t you drive her to the fishing spot, then take a hike in the woods? Why is divorce an option before compromise? Why aren’t you using Google?

Buddy, NOBODY needs to go fishing several times a week except, like, fishermen. But hey, we all have hobbies, and being married doesn’t necessarily mean you have to take up all your spouse’s hobbies — it just means you have to reach a compromise when it comes to them. And if you can’t reach a compromise over something like fishing — a hobby you presumably knew she loved when you got married — you were probably never fit to be married in the first place.

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By giving him a blowjob, most likely.

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Some common mistakes people make when trying to get their ex back are:

Trying to get their ex back.

Getting their ex back.

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I’m no Jon Hamm, but mine tends to lean left, so it’s usually chilling on that side of my pant leg. Most pants do not have extra room in the crotch to allow for wang hang.

SIDE NOTE: This reminds me of my freshman year of high school, and the first time I fingered my first real girlfriend (which, by the way, were high-waisted in the style of the early ’90s). I had always just figured that the vagina’s location was the same as the base of the penis, and as my hand traveled downward, seemingly miles below the waist of her jeans, I thought to myself, “WHERE IS IT? HOW FAR MUST I GO?” This would have never happened if there’d been internet porn.

Anyway, being a teenager sucks.

**********

The man will release an immense amount of energy in the form of a lightning storm around his genitals, but don’t be alarmed: it won’t hurt you. It’s just the way that you acquire all of his power and knowledge. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Also: the man will be, like, way more confident afterwards.

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Whether it’s safe or not, I can’t say for sure. However, since ovens are meant for baking — not burning — things, I think you may be disappointed in the results of your attempted cremation. Your dead pet will only become a thoroughly cooked carcass, and I suspect that the smell of burnt fur will take over your home for longer than you might like.

Chip – Dude, do not marry a women 8 years older than you. Men should only marry down in age. Most likely you will not be attracted to her in a few years. You’re 26. Men peak in sexually attractiveness from 30 to 40. Women peak 15 to 25 (I’m not saying go for 15 year olds. You will go to jail. Date only what is legally acceptable) Start going for 26 to 20 year old girls. You’ll be so much happier in future.

If he were in love with her and saw her as a viable partner for his future, there’s nothing wrong in him marrying her. However, Matt’s right – the letter doesn’t read like someone who’s passionately in love or even someone who sees himself in love with her for years.

And women peak in sexual attractiveness when they’re 15-25? Fuck yourself very much.

My ex wife was ten years older and oddly enough she wanted children immediately at age 36.
We had two and they are the most amazing, wonderful, intelligent, slightly-warped individuals on the planet.
I would be remiss if I didn’t say we divorced after ten years.

I don’t see many 30 to 40 year old women offered up to the mailbag, or shown on sexy Friday.

Chip- I should have added that if you sounded like you were head over heels for her, I’d say go for it. Like other people and Uff have commented, it doesn’t sound like that, though. Good luck on whatever you decide.

Robbing Throbber, you are an idiot. Young women are hot, but 30, 40, even 50 year old women can be hot too: Sofia Vergara – 40 years old, Charlize Theron – 37 years old, Kate Beckinsale – 39 years old. Hell, Diane Lane is hot is she is 48.

Basically, putting an age bracket on who you date is stupid. But I am sure your 20 something girl friend is soooo hot, brah, like Lena Dunham (26).

Sure, women are generally more attractive at age 22 than 42, but that doesn’t validate your point that men should marry down in age. If you marry a hot 22 year old, she could easily be a fat sloth by the time she is 32 and you get 5, maybe 10 years of physical attractiveness. If you marry a hot 33 year old, the chance of that happening are less because that woman has made sound lifestyle choices and knows how to take care of herself. Therefore,you shouldn’t just marry someone who is younger because they are younger. That point is stupid (see Dunham v. Brook mentioned above). That is what I am getting after.

Dunham and Brook are two different women. Brook at 20 is hotter than Brook at 33. A woman’s peak physically is 15 to 25. That’s all I’m saying. There are of course good looking older women. The farther you get away from the peak years, the less attractive she becomes. That’s why you try to marry younger.

That also depends on your definition. Kelly Brook has always been beautiful, but she didn’t get those 40E she’s been swinging around for the last year or two until she got pregnant and the boobs stuck.

And maybe it’s just me, or everyone else who suddenly seems more interested in her now than when she was one in a million average brunette models ten years ago.

I find it easier to fap to her now than when she went fully nude for Playboy and then that lipstick shoot a couple years ago.

If we’re going to be shallow and sexist, men peak earlier than that – they peak with women. College aged kids are the most attractive, male or female. I have no idea where every dude got the idea that they’re going to age like George Clooney, but they’re not. In your 30s, your most appealing feature to women is stability – not fuckabilty. And that’s ok, because relationships aren’t purely physical.

The thing is, 15-year-olds are only attractive when they look older than 15. Most 15 year olds are pretty awkward looking, and are not fully developed yet. I would say 17 and up is where it starts getting good. But to say that men should always date down is ridiculous because everyone gets old, and a lot of young girls don’t want older guys (speaking as a young girl who gets accosted by old guys often).

First of all, I think Uffsies is a little miffed. Perhaps we could sub in regular sports questions until football starts up again?

Second, if you the 26-y-o don’t want to get married and start having kids RIGHT NOW you need to tell her so she can consider whether she wants to be with you or go try to find someone else. It’s not age, it’s stage of life.

Third, if you’ve ever had a pair of plain-front slacks tailored, the tailor will ask you “how do you dress” so there will be a little extra dong room on that side. Or you can wear jockeys and/or pleats and it won’t matter.

I was in a wedding as a teenager and had to stand for my first tux fitting. The attractive fortysomething lady was on her knees when I stepped out of the fitting room. She adjusted the shirt here, tugged on the pants there and said, “You dress left.” The greatest moment to that point in my young life!

I had this conversation with a bunch of guys once and we concluded that it had to do with what hand you usually masturbated with. Right hand grip creates a left leaning penis, left hand grip right. Totally unscientific, but it seemed to be true for most of us.

Regarding the conservative Muslim country, why are you going there? Because a rich Saudi Prince probably has a harem waiting for you. If you are not going to see any rich princes, your best bets are prostitution or all of the repressed homosexuality .

1) Which Airport? What time do you arrive? details, man. It’s kind of hard to suggest stuff if you hold out on details.

2) Jesus Christ. Which country are you going to? No wonder Uffsies didn’t answer your totally vague question. Anyway, I assure you, you can get booze anywhere over there. Also, depending on which country you go to, I highly recommend that you go to places where people from NGO’s hang out to blow off steam. You will meet lots of drop dead gorgeous women who are horny as shit and are looking for a one night stand to get their sexual frustrations out. Also, I’d avoid the local women.

But, on the off chance you figure something out, there’s a $11 shuttle to Grand Central from LaGuardia and I think it’s the same to JFK and a block apart (incidentally, there’s a $10 shuttle between the two airports).

From Grand Central, assuming that you don’t have a lot of bags, you can take the 6 train down to Astor Place and wander over to St. Marks. Get a Crif dog, wander around Tompkins park and then back to Washington Square Park. Weather’s good, maybe the Tumblers will be there…if not, you can go see the chess players. Then, make your way back to Grand Central and wander around there until it’s time to catch your shuttle.

Alternatively, if you get to Grand Central at lunch time and its nice out, grab a sandwich and head over to Bryant Park (behind the library) and do some people watching.

Dude! Comoros is awesome! You’re totally fine there. They aren’t overly conservative over there. Just be respectful. Don’t drink in public, and try to wear jeans as much as possible (even when it’s hot). If you choose to wear shorts (I wouldn’t reccommend it unless you see lots of local men wearing long shorts), wear long shorts. Again, do not try and pick up local women. Especially on the streets. One misunderstanding can result in you having a very, very bad day.

You can go to nightclubs and some restaurants and buy alcohol. It’ll be more expensive than what you’re used to buying, but it’s usually European alcohol percentage. Also, the cans are much bigger, so it’ll give you a better buzz. They’ll probably have Amstel, which isn’t terrible. But then again, beggars can’t be picky. More than anything, just be really chill and be friendly. You know how the Irish when they go to a pub? they’ll just go to a stranger’s table and talk? Be kind of like that. I’m not sure where or why you’re going there, but, again, look for NGO hangout spots. Seriously, those European (and some American) girls have a lot of pent up sexual frustration.

Note: If a woman says she’s into you and wants you to buy her a drink and she says she’s Russian, it means she’s a prostitute.

I haven’t been to Somaliland, but, if memory serves me, my friend went there and when he was leaving the country, they pulled him aside and searched his wallet. They gave some spiel about their money cannot leave the country because religion or something stupid like that and they took it. So, have as little money on you as possible. That way, if they (most likely) decide to rob you (with very big guns in their possession), it’s not much of a loss. Keep me posted about your travels to that area as my travels will inevitably lead me to go there. G’luck.

If they grow up there they have an Aussie accent not an Indian one. The parents can have completely fucked up accents though. Same happens with Indians growing up here in the UK, nothing funnier than an Indian Geordie.

Jeez Ufford, did you ever stop to think that maybe you’re so good at this that we are all well adjusted people with all of our problems solved already? No? Ok then, you’re probably right, forget I said anything.

After years of reading the mailbag I’ve come to the conclusion this is all about fear. FEAR. People have problems, hell we all do. But the underlying factor is that we are laughing at others’ foolishness while thinking that could be me. Captain Caveman, you don’t want to hear my shit. It’s Tom Waits, mixed with whiskey and smoke and one night stands and failed marriages with a Mad Men twist, just for flavor.

Yes, the sexual peak.
If Chip is interested in understanding his girlfriend’s point of view, she’s probably more interested in a) the risks of birth defects, which increase at age 35 and increase significantly at age 40 and possibly b) that after you hit each of those thresholds insurance companies require more invasive tests and essentially allow you less control over your pregnancy.
If she wants kids she doesn’t have time to emotionally hand-hold a 14-year old for a couple of years to see if it “works out.”

Please do the next bag using exclusively questions from the “Pets –> Rodents” category. You could get into some deep topics such as, “Is my rat dead I’m not sure?”, “why is my hamster making a buzzing sound?”, and “Who do I call for this squirrel?”.