Stalling the inevitable: A quick port-a-potty navigation guide

Prepare yourself. Biology is not going to let you escape one basic fact of attending any outdoor event that lasts more than a couple of hours. You’re going to have to go to the bathroom.And, since you’re likely not a CDC epidemiologist, you’re probably already dreading the long walk to the only facil...

Prepare yourself. Biology is not going to let you escape one basic fact of attending any outdoor event that lasts more than a couple of hours.

You’re going to have to go to the bathroom.

And, since you’re likely not a CDC epidemiologist, you’re probably already dreading the long walk to the only facilities available-the dreaded port-a-potty.

But, it doesn’t have to be the worst experience ever. Here’s our step-by-step guide to getting in and getting out with your integrity and immunity intact.

1. Lock the door Some inside latches offer the piece-of-mind of saying “locked” but not all do so make sure you have secured yourself against any unwelcome guests. This first step is probably the most important one for insuring yourself against endless taunts when your caught mid-stream.

2. Mentally prepare yourself There will be no scented candles, no fancy soap. And, by day three, the smell will likely knock you to your knees. So, before you open the door, clear your mind, take a deep breath an d hold it. And, if you have to breathe, breathe out.

3. This isn’t the time to stall Public bathrooms can be hard for some people. All the noise and the commotion makes it hard to…well, to go. So, focus. Beat back the stage fright and tell the person jiggling the door handle (don’t they see the bright red “locked” sign?) to back off and you’ll be out in just a minute.

That being said, if you can’t seem to get your business done, it’s time to give up your space and come back to it. There’s a long line of people out there who are all doing the dance and they don’t have time for you to “wait it out.”

4. Pack some supplies Hopefully, your Girl Scout and Boy Scout training made a strong impression and you came prepared. Provisions to consider for your bathroom breaks: hand sanitizer, toilet paper and baby wipes. To be the envy of your friends, you might also consider Lysol, a flashlight for night trips (potties don’t come equipped with light sources), a nose plug and, in the worst cases, some amoxicillin.

5. Be considerate Consideration goes a long way and this is the time to “treat others the way you want to be treated.” First of all, there’s a finite supply of toilet paper so use what you need and save some for the next guy. Secondly, there’s no kind way to say this: Either get the aim right or clean up after yourself.

Page 2 of 2 - 6. Wait your turn If a line has formed, adhere to it. Also, don’t save spots. It’s one thing to do a little recon work for your group but nobody’s got time to wait for your three drunk friends to amble over. They can wait, too. At the back of the line.

7. Check yourself There are no mirrors so this shouldn’t take long. Just do an improvised version of an airport security pat down. Is everything tucked where it should be tucked? Toilet paper on shoes? Toliet paper anywhere? Get that mess straightened out before the flash of your so-called friend’s smartphone goes off and you go viral for all the wrong reasons.