Chinese People’s Secrets: Part 13

From Tianya, “Share your heart’s darkest secrets…do you have the courage?”:

阴暗的秘密:

When I was in elementary school, I was taken by a group of girls to their homes. Then they took off their clothes and forced me to watch, but I refused, so they got together and beat me.

When I first began middle school, I got along with many girls. Once when I was playing at the home of two girls, I peeked at them taking a bath but was caught, dragged into the bathroom, and forced to take off my clothes so they could examine my “little brother.” At the time, it hurt a lot! This incident is the reason why I have never been accustomed to MM giving me KJ!

When in high school, I went to a buddy’s home to hang out. When we got there, I realized there were 4 girls present. After we drank and got drunk, the 3 of us guys and 4 girls had group sex…afterward, I also had long-term relations with two 2 of them.

In college, there was a much older teacher who always gave me a hard time, publicly revealing my grades, saying I am a shameless man, disgusting, and uneducated. To get revenge on her, I put Viagra in her tea, crushing it and pouring it in. Later, someone told me it was because she had run into me getting a room with two girls that she had a bad impression of me. Actually, one was my girlfriend and the other was someone I was helping to go catch someone cheating. It was just a coincidence that it was the same hotel! It was something difficult to explain!

I have always thought that those incidents I experienced when I was small would make me avoid girls, but I never thought that my desire [for girls] would now become more and more intense.

阴暗的秘密:

Last year in September, I got into a fight while drinking in a KTV. They had more people at the time, and because I was not thinking clearly, I waited outside with a knife, stabbed him five times, and then escaped. Afterward, I learned that someone died, so I ran away and have been roaming until now. Sigh~~I can only hope that God forgives me~~~

阴暗的秘密:

I hated my childhood, not the least bit happy, always secretly eating, always experimenting with sex.,
I have caught my husband visiting prostitutes and to punish him, I would not ML with him. This has happened n times. I know he is still visiting prostitutes. Even though he clearly knows that I will not ML with him, he will still go visit prostitutes, and I still will not ML with him.
I hate my husband, yet am afraid of hurting the child if we divorce, so I dawdle. And outsiders think it is because it is deep love, TMD.
I am afraid of finding an extremely lousy man after divorce and getting into an even more tragic situation. Fuck, not liking him yet not divorcing, is this TMD a life?
I must have been TMD blind.

阴暗的秘密:

I feel I am extremely frightening. Whoever makes me extremely painful or angry, my heart will curse that person, and those who were cursed by me have all experienced corresponding punishments. I have cursed my first love who betrayed me to never be able to marry, never be able to ML, and several years later, my curse has become reality… I have cursed a person who cheated me to go bankrupt, a co-worker to lose his job…and there are many other similar things.

阴暗的秘密:

I really like to eat snot/boogers/nose excrement.

I have masturbated with a pestle [something used to grind flour] before and did not dare tell my mother. Later, I saw her use that pestle to make dumpling skins. Although I washed it, I definitely could not eat [the dumplings].

I had sex with my previous boyfriend. Now, I feel it is unfair to my current boyfriend. What more, I told him about it because I wanted to be frank. Even though he forgives me and says he does not care about the past, my heart still feels very uncomfortable.

阴暗的秘密:

I have many dark things:

When I was small, my mother suspected that I and my father had relations, but in reality there was not. My heart has been twisted under my mother’s jealousy and punishments.

Once I was in junior high school, I began running with a bad crowd, dating, and amidst their pursuit of me, I became inflated with myself. However, nothing sexual ever happened, SY by myself was happy enough, so it is often like that!

Actually, I do not love them, only like the feeling of being chased/pursued, watching them suffer. It makes me happy!

Later there was one boyfriend who often had me SY him. After graduating, he appeared to really love me, but every time we met, he would only have me SY him. He would ask to have sex with me, but I was not willing, yet I would still have to help him release. It was very miserable, yet I also could not leave him because I felt he really loved me!

Feeling that my boyfriend was not interesting and did not care about how I felt, I began to look for diversions, going on QQ to make internet friends, having ONS [One Night Stands] with them, enjoying them kissing me, but I would refuse to do anything for them, because they were not my boyfriends, and I do not have to care about their feelings.

Began to feel aversion towards my boyfriend, because he only thinks about his own enjoyment. I feel that I have become sexually cold in front of him. Yet I am willing to play this kind of game with other people.

Later I became immersed in the internet, accepted their [online guys] praises and gifts, and I became degenerate. Yet the people around me still thought I was very pure and innocent. I even spurned/gave up on myself.

In reality, I am As an outstanding girl with a career envied by others, but I am often divided into two people, one a slut, the other a nun.

I need a really good psychiatrist, but I do not know where to begin. I am afraid my secrets will ruin my life. I want to face my split personality, and also slowly adjust [myself].

阴暗的秘密:

I am scum, living recklessly. I estimate I have ML with several tens of men, all met online. I do not know what is going on in my mind, and I know it will all be over the day I get AIDS. I am becoming more and more empty…

阴暗的秘密:

I went to university through the backdoor [gained admission through illegal method], spent 100,000 [RMB].

While in my second year of university, I was arrested for going out and stealing things with a schoolmate. Was fined 5,000, and lied to my family that it was for hitting a supermarket’s things.

In the latter half of my second year, I became addicted to the internet and had to retake a year. Afterward, I was involved in online romances. I fell in love with a man who was seven year’s older than me, married, and had a child. One year later, we had sexual relations. We separated after [my] graduation.

After graduating, I was addicted to the internet, escaping reality, not going to work, and it is still like this.

I met a boy younger than me by a few years while playing [online] games and was deceived by his sweet and honeyed words. We had sexual relations.

Now I am being pursued by a boy I do not like, enjoying the feeling of being spoiled, but I do not love him. When he kisses me, I have no feelings. I like another boy. But, he does not like me. I am too ugly. I am an idiot, I am an idiot, I am an idiot.

“Xue” [“Snow?”], I like you, I like you, I like you. Why do you not like me?

阴暗的秘密:

I, well, I am a male bisexual, because my appearance is very delicate and sunshiney. When I was small, I was very much like a little girl, and was molested by an older boy that was a neighbor. All day, he would hug me, kiss me…and use his JJ to touch my behind. I at the time was only 6-years-old, and he molested me until I was 13-years-old…sigh…
I also like females. When I was small, I played sexual games with a female cousin, and sinned [had sex?]!

Now, I am slowly becoming purely gay, have a lot of unclean sexual history, and I am 20-years-old right now.

阴暗的秘密:

My dirty secret is that I enjoy reading other people’s dirty secrets here.

Note: Many of the these usernames are the same because people are using a public/shared account to post their secrets so no one knows their normal Tianya username.

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Fauna is a mysterious young Shanghainese girl who lives in the only place a Shanghainese person would ever want to live: Shanghai. In mid-2008, she started chinaSMACK to combine her hobby of browsing Chinese internet forums with her goal of improving her English. Through her tireless translation of popular Chinese internet news and phenomenon, her English has apparently gotten dramatically better. At least, reading and writing-wise. Unfortunately, she's still not confident enough to have written this bio, about herself, by herself.

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