Reliving some important years

My wish for you

Is that you realize how hard we tried.
How easy it was to love you
how difficult it was to love all of the time.
Because on this journey of parenthood, we once took the wrong turn.
We spent a few year just trying to survive
and we lost so much good time.
Years lost in cries and screams and tantrums and control.
And when I look back, realizing we are on the other side,
I wish I would have enjoyed it so much more.
But, we tried and we learned and we regrouped and we got us back.
My wish is that you realize how hard we tried.

My wish for you
is that you realize that we created a lot of ordinary
that became extraordinary.
Moments of nothingness.
Actual nothingness
that was plain
that was us just being us.
We were the definition of boring comfortable us.
Always family,
always together.

My wish for you
is that you realize that I really see you.
I know every mark on your little body,
I really look at you,
hard, deep and for long moments.
I freeze your face in time.
Sitting there, hanging over all of us,
I see you.
I see your baby wisps of hair, your curls, your eyes, your beauty marks.
I see the baby I once held and the child that is between letting go and wanting to hold on.
I see you, you are right in front of me and I really see you.

My wish for you
is that you realize that I really hear you too.
You have a voice, you have a chance, you are a part of this family and you have a voice.
I want you to use it
I want you to speak out when you are upset,
when you feel you are not getting a fair deal
when you feel like you are not being heard.
Because I will always listen.
I really hear you.
Your sweet voice that is a mixture of crazy good vocabulary and baby.
Little baby, little man, little woman baby.
I really hear you.
Your laugh, the one from your gut, really laughing because it's funny laugh.
The one that takes your breath away and no sound comes out.
The one that makes you cry and you have no idea why.
Yeah, that one, I really hear that laugh.
Your cries,
I know the real from the fake.
I know the hurt from the feelings are hurt.
I know when a hug can fix the broken,
because I really hear you.

My wish for you is that you understand.
Us, family, creation.
How yes, we put you here, but you created us too.
You started something that cannot be stopped.
I will forever and ever be a mom.
Forever, no matter your age.
I want you to understand the significance of that.
And I want you to understand love and kindness.
How they are always the answer.
Especially when you have nothing left to give.
I want you to understand hand holding and feet touching and couch snuggles and why pancakes are important and traditions and us.
I want you to understand this family of ours and accept our good, our mistakes, our apologies, our ability to always keep going.
My wish for you is this.