Mbalula to advise Manchester United

It has been reported that Manchester United are keen to retain the services of South Africa’s Minister of Sport, Fikile Mbalula as a motivational coach for the beleagured Red Devils. Mr Mbalula was at the centre of a media storm on Monday night as he lambasted the South African national team following their exit from the African Nations Championship on Sunday evening.

Some of the comments made by Mr Mbalula included:

“What I saw was not a problem of coaching, it was a bunch of losers”

“Their performance was not even lacklustre, it was useless. We must go to the drawing board. That mediocrity that was displayed yesterday… we must never wake up to that again.”

Sources at Old Trafford confirmed that the comments made by Mr Mbalula caught the attention of David Moyes who is alleged to have said to fellow coaching staff “I agree 100% with everything that guy Imbaloolar (sic) was saying. You see – the problem is not with the coaching, it’s the players! It’s what I’ve been saying all along”. Mr Moyes has been under increasing pressure, particularly following the club’s recent poor results including the 3-1 reversal against Chelsea over the weekend.

Mr Moyes is said to have been so impressed by Mr Mbalula’s passionate style that he wants to bring him on board to tell these “spoilt northern fairies at Manchester United” that they must “get their act together”. Mr Moyes believes that Mr Mbalula’s unorthodox approach could possibly be the spark that will ignite Manchester United’s season.

When asked whether it might be better to focus on bringing in a central midfielder who does not cost 27 million (and who will actually play) or making tactical decisions during a game, Moyes allegedly laughed long and hard and muttered “This is what I have to deal with every day – people who think they know football”.