The Black Sheep

7 Uses For That Empty Lot on Frat Row That Are Better Than a New Frat

You know and love it, and if you live on or near Gayley, you want to set it on fire. Regardless of your particular feelings, the empty lot between Sig Nu and Phi Psi has become a staple for UCLA partygoers. The dumpster lot smell holds such power that even the most incoherent sorority girl breaks out of her haze and becomes perfectly sober. Many have lost a shoe to its rubble, and many (looking at you Lambda) have found the lot to be a convenient and desirable place to pee. But now that the empty lot on frat row begins to transform into an actual building, many wonder what the hell will come of it. Here are some possibilities.

7.) Brothel:
The empty lot would be an ideal location for a brothel. With the successful frat ban implementation, most brothers have ended their thirsty Thursdays with a painful strike out; unable to take girls upstairs to check out their Pulp Fiction posters and drink warm stige, their body counts now remain stagnant. As UCLA girls develop higher standards, the men of Gayley can lower theirs for one easy payment of $99.99.

6.) Trump 2020 political headquarters:Not to get political, but this would be a great place to pee when you’re drunk and can’t find a bathroom.

5.) “Meth” lab:Channel your inner Walter White and use the empty lot to cook the finest in Westwood. Those paying out-of-state tuition probably need the money anyway. Consider it a public service.

Know anyone at one of these schools? Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!

4.) Senior citizens home (so they can relive their youth):Let grammy and gramps relive their wilder days by providing them with the full fraternity experience. Grandpa’s definition of the Great American Challenge is probably WWII, and he will be delighted to experience the modern definition. Or he’ll drop dead. But if that life insurance could also help you pay tuition, so be it.

3.) Another oddly-placed church:Wedged between the frats are a Lutheran church, a synagogue, and a Catholic center. Continue this trend by using the lot for another guilt-inducing religious shrine. Priests, regardless of the religion, sure do love cleaning up yak from the church stairs on Friday mornings.

2.) Freshman dorm:
Allow the classes of 2019, 2020, and 2021 to live vicariously through the class of 2022 by placing 100 18-year-olds in a literal frat. Ideally, they’ll fail out by winter quarter, which will help UCLA’s over-enrollment. No harm, no foul.

1.) Another place for a pre-existing frat to absolutely annihilate:
The (unfortunately) most likely outcome for this empty lot. We give it three years before it gains guaranteed shithole status.