Survey says: Over 50% of Republican women claim to orgasm every time they bang

Sex is pretty straightforward for men. There are no mysteries or ancient Chinese secrets—reaching an orgasm is only a problem if you have a quick trigger or five too many adult beverages. Women are little more tricky. Unlike men, who have only one erogenous zone that needs attention, they have about 27 in bizarre places like the left Achilles tendon or the elbow.

Traditionally it is significantly harder to please a female compared to a man. The failure to get a woman to use god’s name in vain can do serious damage to the delicate male ego (not that I would know anything about that). However if you want to feel like a champ between the sheets, aim for sexually repressed conservative Republican women.

According to a recent Match.com survey, over 50% of female members of the elephant party admit to climaxing during sex about 100% of the time. The results of the survey showed a correlation between conservatives and frequency of reaching their climax.

Yep, you heard that right. Republicans—and conservative Republicans, for that matter—reported the highest frequency of orgasm of all of the survey respondents, despite having the least amount of sex. More than half of those who identified as conservative Republicans said they reached climax almost every time they had sex, compared with just 40 percent of liberal Democrats. Sure, these answers are self-reported, but the survey was conducted anonymously online. What reason do they have to lie?

Why lie? Because Republicans love to lie—it’s part of their DNA, anything to make them seem superior and their lives perfect. Didn’t you know their new Audi drives simply divine? Haven’t you heard that little Johnny got an A+ on his report on Ronald Reagan? Wait, she didn’t tell you her husband just made partner, and that they had sex with their clothes off that night? Apparently that crazy missionary position really does it for her.

So if you’re struggling to find that liberal g-spot, go to the bar and find the woman sipping a cosmopolitan and trying desperately to be Carrie Bradshaw, and remember: the less leg she shows, the easier she goes.

Comments

It turns out that, not only were 38-year-old Melody Lippert (mugshot, left) and 30-year-old Michelle Ghirelli (right) booked for unlawful sexual conduct, but the extra-curricular enthusiasts are also facing drug charges.