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Liveblogging Hell's Kitchen: The Actual Finale or, Every Moment I Continue to Live is Agony

Let’s all take a moment to remember the halcyon days of Top Chef. Even with the constant indignities of Bluehost’s ineptitude, it was leagues better than this sad excuse for a show. Let’s also remember that you, the public, were allowed to vote on what would happen after Top Chef. Let’s recall that you could have chosen “no liveblogging.” Let’s further remember that you voted for Hell’s Kitchen. I’m not blaming you. I’m just remembering.

Tonight, either it ends or I do. Top Chef, I will never forsake you again.

Let me just say that I’ve heard that the next season of Hell’s Kitchen is starting again in JULY and I DON’T CARE. Tonight: Redneck v. Dull Girl. Insofar as I care about any of the people who have ever appeared on this show, I guess I want Dull Girl to win? But that would mean I have feelings.

9:01: Holy shit, this is the fifth season of this show already? Maybe there’s something I’m missing here, like the number of a Swiss bank account containing half a million dollars embedded somewhere in each episode. I’ve got my eyes peeled this time, motherfuckers.

9:04: Brian: “I think the best part of this show is the Rube Goldbergian intro.” I don’t know that I disagree.

9:06: Wow, I’d forgotten how much I hated Ben. Also, don’t people usually have fun when they come back to help out on the final episode? Or they’re at least plotting some kind of revenge. Not, apparently, if you’re That Guy, AKA Giovanni, who just wants to escape the sequester house and go home; I think he would gladly lie down and take a nap on Redneck’s contentious benches if they would let him.

9:07: Shiv: “I swear, if Lacey starts whining again I will unleash a wrath on her like she’s never seen.” See, it’s not like these nicknames come from nowhere.

9:10: Okay, in these scant three minutes I’ve come to understand why no one likes Lacey, and if Shiv wants to unleash a wrath on her then I’m happy to watch that happen. Is it active sabotage, or does she really just suck that badly? It’s a reality show, so I’m fully prepared to believe that she does, in fact, suck that badly.

9:16: Redneck’s tasting: OH MY GOD. Is it not bad enough that trained chefs mispronounce mascarpone, the show has to SPELL IT INCORRECTLY on the screen? It’s like someone wants to hurt me.

Also, how do you not realize that your giant penis-looking spring onion looks like a penis? I have no idea how you make a spring onion look like that, unless it’s on purpose, which he claims it’s not.

9:18: Martyr B: “Velvet Hammer…sounds like a porn video.” That almost makes up for the rest of the season. Almost.

On the dining room tour, Dull Girl’s understated but elegant space so obviously outshines Redneck’s Fish Shack and Amateur Opry House; it’s a little painful. Ramsay does everything short of saying “THIS IS FUCKING TACKY” to point out how tacky Redneck’s restaurant is. Redneck, in this context “rustic” is not a compliment. I’ll say it again: fish on the wall.

9:21: When JP says “Good Luck” it sounds a little like “I hate you.”

Right off the bat, team Redneck shows their clear superiority at yelling. Although to be fair, they have been explicitly instructed to do so, probably as a preemptive move to keep anyone from realizing if (when) they start to blow it.

9:23: Even on the night they’re running their own restaurants, Ramsay is yelling at them. I thought we might have a Donkey-free night, but maybe not.

9:26: Commercial: Tonight on Fox News: Stimulus checks for the dead? Tomorrow on Fox News: Is there a depth we will not plumb?

9:28: Appetizers are going out, a scant 45 minutes after the restaurants opened.

Shiv is screwing the pooch on the fish station, causing no end of glee to Lacey. And although I’m supposed to be getting mad at Shiv for screwing up Dull Girl’s chances, Lacey’s obvious glee is causing physical pain in the anger nodule of my brain.

9:29: Ramsay, at team Redneck: “Why are we waiting for a potato?” If I had a nickle for every time I asked that question. Or maybe it’s rhetorical, like a Zen koan, because can YOU answer that question? Why ARE we waiting for a potato?

Is gravelly-voiced sous chef Scott hanging out in the back of the kitchen getting hammered? Awesome. It’s like he cares less than I do!

9:32: Commercial. Note the time: Six minutes after the last commercial. Hell’s Kitchen, you are not the hot shit you think you are. For each minute less than twelve between each commercial, my dander is raised an additional 15%.

9:35: That Guy is dragging team Redneck down. Yet, you have to admire his integrity…to himself: “I don’t care who wins. I don’t want to be here. I just want to go home.”

Honestly, I hadn’t seen the episodes with Lacey before I started this, but has she ever been in a kitchen before? Apparently she’s the female That Guy, except at least That Guy seems to know the rudiments of how a stove is operated.

9:38: Shiv is giving team Redneck a run for their money with the yelling. If she could just stop overcooking the fish (seriously, is it THAT HARD to sear a freaking scallop? you’ve been to culinary school) we might be getting somewhere.

9:40: Service is over. That Guy is still in the kitchen; I’m surprised he didn’t try to bolt as soon as the last dish went out the pass. Because if you didn’t know, he just wanted to go home.

“I’m not even supposed to be here today.”

9:42: Commercial. Ten minutes is more than six, but less than twelve. Therefore, dander is increased 30%. Hopefully the next segment lasts long enough, because at 75% I’ve reached critical dander mass. To be honest, I’m not sure what happens then but I’m fairly sure that it isn’t something good.

The thing is, even if it wasn’t the actual finale tonight (although it is), what could you do about it? If you raise hell, Ramsay would just yell at you, now wouldn’t he? And honestly, no one wants to be called a cow.

My husband has taken to putting on the Ramsay persona when we go places to eat that aren’t 100% on the mark. “You donkey! You could have killed someone!” Oy.

*BEGIN RANT*
This is OT, but what the fuck would I be saying if I were sticking to the topic at hand??? After 2+ years of living in my condo, the cable company inexplicably figured out their mistake and cut off the gorgeous and sexy free cable that flowed into my TV. So now I have premium channels, like Food and BBC, albeit at rates that would make highway robbers blush. Whatever. Point is, what exactly do American TV producers think is wrong with Gordon Ramsey’s real personality? On the British shows he is still plenty gobby, but you can see an actual human in there (I LOVE the man; really I do!) Are the Americans only looking for a provocateur?
*END RANT*

kerry, oh yeah, did i not tell you about the awesome new photographer i got? she’s named ME.

rachelle, (1) i wish i got the BBC so i could see Ramsay in his natural state. i also wish i were british, but that’s neither here nor there. (2) i second your call of shenanigans, for the same reason.

Michelle, I believe the American constitution grants you the right to download illegally. That or carry large concealed firearms. I forget, but they both seem perfectly moralistic in light of your lack of BBC. My prescription: Download The F Word (and more cowbell). From the episode I saw this week: Ramsey raises lambs for slaughter in his family yard; Ramsey serves his young children sweetbreads and brains – and gets a big thumbs up. Now, that my Gordon! Caveat: he strips down in the opening sequence. In spite of my deep devotion/lust for the man, it doesn’t quite sit right with me.

I, too, adore the Brits! You come visit Montreal next summer. The Ritz-Carlton will complete renovations by then, and they have the MOST charming garden where they serve afternoon tea. No surcharge to watch the adorable ducks frolic in the pond.

Lastly, while I feel badly that you don’t get BBC, what’s worse is that Bravo Canada doesn’t air Top Chef. Sadly, I won’t be able to join the liveblog. But I’ll look forward to reading it the next day!

I am apologising for voting for the Hell’s Kitchen. I feel like a collaborator– like I unintentionally created a series of events that lead to the harming of another person. My sentence construction is all off today. Sorry for that, too.

I’m pretending like this whole live blogging hell’s kitchen thing didn’t happen, and I suggest you do the same. Not because there is a problem with your blogging – the one bright spot in the darkness pit of despair that is Hell’s Kitchen – but because there is nothing about Hell’s Kitchen that makes it worth watching.

And culinary prodigy in Florida doesn’t necessarily mean pothead. It could mean pot head. It could mean meth addict. It either case, it almost always means having a concealed gun permit.

No, really. I used to live in Michigan and moved to Florida about, oh, 3.5 years ago. I mean, I lived 20 minutes from Detroit so it isn’t like I was a stranger to violence. But in Florida,there are radio ads for when and where and how to get your own concealed gun permit. Which kind of freaked me out, honestly.

bwa ha ha, i haven’t yet seen the finale but i like to read these first. it prepares and pleases me! also, since i actually know someone (kind of) who is on the next hell’s kitchen season…i must watch.

that and i love gordon ramsay in all his incarnations. i can’t help it.

rachelle, i’m pretty sure we’re allowed to carry our firearms out in the open, waving them around if we please. but no illegal downloading, or metallica personally shows up at your house to serve you with papers.

we need to suck it up and get digital cable, but we’re too cheap.

vera, you said it, not me.

vicky, i believe the technical term is that you aided and abetted.

julianne, what happened? something happened here? is it june 10th yet?

beth, the ramsay love just escapes me, but i’m assuming that’s because i’ve only ever seen the dreadful american versions of his shows.

emily, in that case, i hold you solely liable for this entire debacle.

Wow. I somehow feel better now. I really did try to watch it, but it made my baby cry.

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Once upon a time, I wrote this food blog. It was a pretty great blog, if I do say so myself. I don't write it any more, but all the recipes and hijinx remain available for your cooking and reading pleasure.