John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The powerful images we can conjure up in our minds about things we’ve read or heard, are nothing short of terrifying. (Published 12/16/2014)

Q:

I just read your article about violent images of death. My question isn't even about someone I know. I read a story yesterday about this little 6 year old boy who got killed by falling into the wood chipper while he was helping his dad. The story said he was pulled in when he tried to throw in a branch. I am the father of 3 young children, one of them is my almost six year old son. I have been unable to shake this image of horror. I am afraid to tell anyone that I feel this way because I don't want to share this image with them. I have been crying and everything, and I don't even know the family or the child at all. How can I get past this?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Drew,

Thanks for your note and total honesty about what you’re experiencing.

The powerful images we can conjure up in our minds about things we’ve read or heard, are nothing short of terrifying.

And, as you indicate so clearly, the simple connection from the six year old boy in the story, to your son in the same age range, stays in the forefront of your mind—and your heart.

In our opinion, your heart is where this is really happening. Your love for your son and other children, coupled with your fear that anything bad would ever happen to any one of them, keeps you stuck in this horrific visual loop.

In order to break out of it, you might try to go right through it, instead of under, over ,or around it.

The next time the image pops into your head, say this to yourself: “What a horrifying image I have in my mind’s eye, and I need to remind myself that I love my children and will do anything and everything to guide them and protect them from harm."

The fact is that you already do guide and protect them. You’ve taught them to be careful when they cross the road and not play with dangerous objects. And yet, we’d imagine they’ve all gotten cuts and scrapes and bruises.

As you protect and guide them, you also have to be careful not to smother them because of your fears of what could happen to them. You’re teaching your little birds to fly, not to stay in the nest forever.