Classifying MLM Douchebags

I'm looking for "types" of douchebags that push MLM and other income scams. Don't need names, just actual types. So far, I have:

The Evangelist

You can spot this type who always want to tell people that MLM is the greatest thing ever, because they were just at this event and it was the greatest thing ever, and you have to join. They are rarely armed with facts (such as MLM's growth is by adding affiliates, or MLM was never taught at Harvard Business School). They are very excited to tell you about the industry, but they know little about what they are supposed to be selling.

Subtype: The Noobvangelist

This is someone who just joined the day before and barely know their stuff, but they are so wrapped up in the fervor they want to "share" their enthusiasm, albeit in a naively blundering way.

The Bling-Flasher

You can spot this type who always proclaim that he made X amount of money, or drive a fancy car (BMW, Benz, etc.) doing that business. Companies often present those "show checks" (as large as a person) to such people at certain flashy recruitment events at "award ceremonies", adding to their illusion. However, they'll never proclaim how much did they SPEND travelling around pushing the stuff, or how many products did s/he really sell.

Subtype: The Camp Follower

This is someone who goes around proclaiming the greatness of a Bling-Flasher, like "Look man, that guy made 500K last month, and drives a fancy MB", much like a groupie who follows around a band.

The Loan Shark

You can spot this type who thinks s/he is owed everything from everybody. The world owes him or her success. The refuseniks (people who refused his "polite" request to explain the opportunity) owes him/her an explanation. His downlines owes him/her respect, etc. etc.

The Dollar Discriminator

You can spot this type by how s/he interacts with people. If you are not semi-interested in the opportunity, s/he is not interested in wasting time with you. Judges people by likelihood of joining his/her scheme.

The Pseudo-Intellectual

You can spot this type by how they react to criticism, such as "Scheme X may be a pyramid scheme". Generally the resort to bogus explanations like "all companies are pyramid-shaped", "pyramid schemes don't have products", and so on. They think they have a ready answer to most criticism, however, they usually don't even know what laws define a pyramid scheme in their own jurisdiction.

The Double-Dipper

You can spot this type by how they pitch a "primary opportunity", but will often throw in references to other "opportunities" as well, by claiming it's some sort of backup plan, "Plan B", "contingency", "multiple streams of income", and so on. Real MLMs don't allow cross-recruiting because it creates conflicts of interest.

The Eyes Wide Shutters

Even when the signs are so f***ing obvious that it's a scam, they are ardent believers that they've hitched themselves to the gravy train. In fact, such people are known to argue that law enforcement and regulatory agencies "don't know what they're talking about" when it is them who don't know what they're talking about... even AFTER their scheme had been shut down.

The Serial Jumpers

You can spot this type by how they claim to have DECADES of experience in this industry, yet never mentions what companies they have joined or how much they have achieved in sales. (They'll gladly mention a rank though, even if the rank is not sales based) yet research shows they joined a new scheme every few months, cash out their earnings after their "fandom" joined then leave for something else. Nothing is ever good enough for them.

The Resume Flashers

You can spot this type by how the claim to have lots of experience, names all the companies and ranks achieved, even wrote books, articles, speaking engagements, etc. Yet how much did they really make from the business themselves? Or is all these "training" their business now? Some are known to charge hundreds a day or thousands for a weekend of classes.

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

This is more of an observation, but I will call this person the False Profit.

An MLMer that attempts to frame their argument for MLM it in terms of wanting success for people. The implication being the people opposed to MLM are negative and want everyone to fail.

Perhaps a kissing cousin of the Evangelist?

I know "false profit" is supposed to rhyme with "false prophet" but somehow that word play doesn't quite do it for me.

I think I'll add subtype: Firebrand -- you can tell those apart from the main group in that they have a profound HATRED of any one who doesn't agree with them, and they want to spread that hate to any one who will listen. Any one who doesn't agree, according to them, are "wage slaves", only have a J-O-B, and are doomed to be stepped on by greedy capitalists with no future... and only MLM will "save" them.

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

Originally Posted by kschang

I think I'll add subtype: Firebrand -- you can tell those apart from the main group in that they have a profound HATRED of any one who doesn't agree with them, and they want to spread that hate to any one who will listen. Any one who doesn't agree, according to them, are "wage slaves", only have a J-O-B, and are doomed to be stepped on by greedy capitalists with no future... and only MLM will "save" them.

The focus group suggested Fluffernutter for this addition.

There is among this group an inappropriate use of "positive thinking" in arguing a case for MLM. As if thinking and saying certain phrases somehow changes bad math or a person's skill set.

It is one thing to have a good product, at the right price, and a pool of potential users to think "I can make this work".

It is a whole nutha kettle of fish to have an overpriced product, questionable quality, and a saturated market to think "If I put a picture of a Corvette on my fridge I'm going to be rich".

When these people show up to make their case, you almost know what they will be saying before they say it. It is some version of "not being able to think outside the box", which I suppose serves to deflect any business concerns a "hater" might have.

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

I think that lots of the proposed sub-groups were commonly spawned from a generation that grew up having everyone in their life constantly reminding them how "special" they were; parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, little league coaches, etc. Everyone got a ribbon or a trophy just for showing up. Once they started dealing with the real world where they legitimately had to compete, they felt disillusioned upon finding out how ill-prepared the constant ego-stroking had left them.

The shortcut that Ponzi players discovered to compensate for their inadequacies was to retreat to the fantasy-land of their youthful "specialness"; believing that the next program, the next admin and even God himself was going to alleviate their dismal existence by re-writing reality to make the outrageous promises come true. The scammers constantly sucking at their wallet not only take advantage of their victims delusion but are a product of the same disease, believing that they are "special" enough to deserve their ill-gotten gains without paying any social penalty.

"No one in this world, so far as I know - and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me - has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people" - H. L. Mencken

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

Originally Posted by ribshaw

The focus group suggested Fluffernutter for this addition.
There is among this group an inappropriate use of "positive thinking" in arguing a case for MLM. As if thinking and saying certain phrases somehow changes bad math or a person's skill set.

Fluffernutter, as in the sandwich? I guess I don't quite see the pun... except "nuts", or perhaps that's the pun, they fluff you (pump you up) and are still nuts?

I guess it can be a yet another variant; abuse of "positive thinking", i.e. "positivist".

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

What about folks that are a combination of the evangelist, noobvangelist, loan shark, dollar discriminator, pseudo intellectual etc all wrapped into one? Maybe they deserve a category all their own? These are the folks that show traits from all those categories and then some. Their scammertunity WILL save woman kind, lift all unenlightened peasants from dire poverty and stupiddom and don't you dare disagree with them with mere facts. They will cut you out of their life for simply stating the obvious. What should these narcissistic cult followers be called?

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

Originally Posted by kath

What about folks that are a combination of the evangelist, noobvangelist, loan shark, dollar discriminator, pseudo intellectual etc all wrapped into one? Maybe they deserve a category all their own? These are the folks that show traits from all those categories and then some. Their scammertunity WILL save woman kind, lift all unenlightened peasants from dire poverty and stupiddom and don't you dare disagree with them with mere facts. They will cut you out of their life for simply stating the obvious. What should these narcissistic cult followers be called?

I'm sorry, the word for them should not be uttered in public or mixed company...!

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

I'm looking for "types" of douchebags that push MLM and other income scams. Don't need names, just actual types. So far, I have:

How about the Scum Sucking Bottom Feeder?

Like Phil Piccolo for instance? (Ooops sorry, you didn't want names.)

Anyways, this goes back a couple of years when Bob Burtis was publishing the World Wide Scam Network.

WWSN Note: Phil Piccolo recently announced a new MLM opportunity in a "Money Maker's Monthly" ad for "NourishTheChildren.com", in which Mr. Piccolo claimed:

"14,000 to 27,000 children Under the age of 5 DIE EVERYDAY"

"After hearing this presentation and watching a 5 minute video I found myself emotionally involved (crying) and knew that all of the God given ability and talent that I have been blessed with was for this purpose... oh yes, I will probably make $5,000,000 (Five Million Dollars) also but it is the first time in my 27 year career that the CAUSE is BIGGER than the CHECK."

This appeared to indicate a new low in network marketing, with Phil Piccolo using starving children as bait in a new MLM money-making pyramid scheme.

Fortunately, NuSkin had other ideas and took appropriate action:

Right, I'd agree that using starving children as bait in a MLM money-making pyramid scheme was pretty low.

NuSkin took appropriate action canned the grifter.
PHIL PICCOLO TERMINATED BY NUSKIN
"He has conducted himself in ways unacceptable to our standards..."

Funny thing is though. NuSkinners are still using the same tactics today.

I've got a wonderful girl in my class. She's from Ethiopia I think, she saw her entire family slaughtered, and became a fantastic, strong, inspirational person despite hardship. She's just the definition of a Good Person. A few days ago, she contacted me on Facebook; "You seem like a cool guy, so I have a proposal for you". To cut things short, she gave me this line about how 98% of the world's population either works or have free time, and she worked with some people that could give me the opportunity to do both, to join the 2%....

To make a long story short, the writer agreed to meet up with her and the proposal quickly shifted from doing good for the world to peddling NuScam products.

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

so how about a type called
"doomed a$$holes" that share traits from the other types
and....
"scum sucking bottom feeder" types-they definately exist and deserve a category----it is truly infuriating how they use the "charitable giving' guilt trip to try and get more 'recruits' and/or sales

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

MLM junkies.

These are persons who have become addicted to the passive income appeal of MLM and have failed time after time in each of several MLMs, but keep trying new ones in hopes that “this may be the one.” They are like the person in and out of a long string of romantic relationships looking for the ideal mate.

Re: Classifying MLM Douchebags

Originally Posted by littleroundman

MLM junkies.

These are persons who have become addicted to the passive income appeal of MLM and have failed time after time in each of several MLMs, but keep trying new ones in hopes that “this may be the one.” They are like the person in and out of a long string of romantic relationships looking for the ideal mate.

I had a "hopper", but I guess I should have emphasized the "next one will be the one" aspects. I'll go think of a better name. :)

How about... "the Romantic Junkie"? (i.e. I'm addicted to this stuff, I hope next one I try will be the one, I'm not giving up!)