Saturday, April 26, 2014

I know I usually post fluffy things on my blog about shopping and plans and things I'm excited to do, but I just have to say that I've been trying to cover up some pretty serious stuff with the fluff.

When I came to Auburn in late summer 2012, I had a pretty good idea of who I was. I had a good grasp on what I thought was right and what I thought was wrong. I knew how to behave and handle myself. I knew what made me tick. I knew how to calm myself down. I knew who I was.

The end of this year has made me realize that I have almost completely lost sight of that person.

I have been uncharacteristically unhappy and I seem to have lost my instruction manuel on how to perk up for more than a few hours because I have to present myself a certain way at an event of some sort.

This semester (and last semester) really caught up with me last night. I got home from my last class of this truly horrible semester and it all just hit me - the stress that band placed on me, the misery that was the national championship trip, my friends who were depressed or sad and far away, Davis's death, the wreck, struggling with grades, bomb threats and other threats on campus, another year of friends making bad decisions and me having to watch, camp - my home and my constant - changing how it looks, my friend's dad dying, another friend who shall not be named getting arrested, struggling to like myself and how I look, living in a dorm with no WiFi and a parking spot nearly a mile away from my room, breaking up with Philip, almost a full week of snow days, changing majors (again), and a few of this university's most horrible, mean, ill professors ever.

Last night at dinner, I couldn't even enjoy my food. I wasn't really sad about all of that stuff, I was just in shock. For the first time since last summer, there I was having the time to actually process what was happening. And it was a lot. Too much to just have a good cry over.

I think somewhere along the way I just gave up on myself. I got knocked down so many times that I put a pillow on the ground and got comfortable there. I don't ever remember expecting myself to do well in classes past mid-February and I was so caught up in trying to just get through that I didn't just stop to say "hey, this sucks, but here's what I can do to fix it." I was so sure that I could just fix things going full speed into everyday that I never just admitted that I couldn't handle it anymore.

I found myself confused that I was in my 15th year of school and I still haven't really made progress. What business do I have here anyway? Why I am I still trying to make myself think this is something I am good at? And why are we paying thousands of dollars for me to do something I'm traditionally bad at and miserable doing?

A lot of times I would find myself getting so frustrated (mostly with school) that I would write out how miserable I was, but I never thought of it as a situation I could get better from. I only sat in my own failures and felt bad for myself. Somewhere along the way I lost that knack I had for picking myself back up. Perseverance is hardly in my vocabulary at all anymore.

So NOT Mary Mason of me.

In fact, I believe this self-loss is a big reason Philip and I broke up. I lost sight of myself and it was hard to be my best for another person when I never felt my best on the inside.

Here I am just 5 (hopefully) quick days away from moving out of this nasty dorm and I almost feel so much that I don't feel anything. I distinctly remember looking at Wittel and having a little sad moment when it was time to pull down the final Christmas lights. I look at this place and I feel like this was just a place of so much hurt and sadness that I don't even really have good memories here. I look around and just feel the anger from marching band, the bed where I've spent WAY too much time moping around and watching TV, the world's most mold-prone shower, a not so functionable desk chair that falls down every now and then, and mostly just a room I never mentally moved into. That's not to say that I was happy at Wittel (certainly not), but I had so much hope and firsts and figuring things out there.

In some ways, I'm chalking this up to the fact that I have finished the Wednesday of years. Sophomore year of high school was easily my least favorite as well. Stuck, and not quite thriving. Not quite at home. Drowning, Depressed, Defeated. Not quite halfway, not really new and exciting anymore. Just routine.

I'm sorry this post is such a downer, but I think I just needed to write it all out. If you are still reading this, kudos. And I guess to Sophomore year all I have to say is Good Riddance.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Every once in a while I browse through my Pinterest to see what sorts of pins I have deemed pin-able, but may have forgotten about. I came across one on my A house in perfect order board where someone had made a passport of every restaurant they wanted to try and would get a stamp whenever they had eaten at each place. I decided to use that idea to make a more interesting version of my list of things to do this summer!

Sometimes before summer I get so excited about doing summer things, that when it's actually summer I forget to do those things I was so excited about. And then it's fall!

So I made a list of things I have been craving about summer and put them in my "summer passport" so I could see all the things I wanted to do and if I've really done them!

I used one of the cute little jot-books that the Easter bunny left in my basket!

I can't wait for May 1 to get going on my list and have a summer full of things I want to do!

Here are some of the things on my list...

-see both sets of grandparents
-go climbing at the cool indoor wall at the new wellness center
-give Lars more tattoos (bumper stickers)
-get my middle & left splits
-see the Braves win
-eat burgers from the grill
-go kayaking of course! (p.s. you're invited)
-see a movie at Cine
-make something I've pinned on Pinterest
-go to six flags
-swim at Keigh's
-see at least one concert
-MANY more!

How do you like to make sure you do everything you wanted in the summer/ stay busy and not bored?

Friday, April 11, 2014

So...Tuesday I met BJ Novak and, I have to admit, he was a little more like Ryan than I anticipated. I knew Mindy was crude, but I always sort of thought of BJ as not needing crudeness (which has always seemed a little like a cop out) to be funny. Once I got over the shock that he wasn't this polished Harvard grad, it was a lot of fun!

He had several segments to his performance - some classic "conversation" jokes, readings from his book, a trial sort of thing where he tried out some new jokes on us, and Q&A. The whole thing felt really casual and light which was fun!

Some of my favorite moments from his routine were :

1. When he said "after this I'm going to Sky Bar" in a completely satirical way!

2. The dud joke of "This one time I saw a guy who was drinking water with ice cubes in it and I thought - man! That guy must really love water!" Hilarious and Awkward.

3. When someone asked him what making out with Mindy Kaling was like and he said "on or off screen?"

4. When someone asked for John Krasinski's number and he said "let's just call him right now!" He instructed us to shout "WE LOVE YOU JOHN KRASINSKI" when he either picked up or got the machine. Someone shouted up to him "put it one speaker!" and he said "duh. what am I? stupid?" As he was dialing, we got the answering machine and the automated voice started saying the phone number! BJ quickly took it off speaker and then once we got the machine gave us our cue. We shouted excitedly our lines and BJ hung up. Only to tell us that he had actually called Rainn Wilson. HILARIOUS!!!

5. Someone asked which character on the Office he would've wanted to play if not Ryan. His answer was Toby because he thought it would've been fun to play a guy who Michael hated. Cool answer! Then he kind of chuckled and said "I really like Toby."

So then obviously I had to meet him.

I bought his book and got the bright idea to give it to you!

While I was in line, I was flipping through the book and noticed a chapter called "No one goes to Heaven to See Dan Fogelberg" or something to that effect. Naturally this made me think of all of the fun we have had with the name Dan Fogelberg.

I had to write the name I wanted on the sticky note, but I kept thinking of things I wanted him to write to you. Once I got to the front, I had written "Parrish/Pizza "Hi Ryan"' and had planned to ask him to write Dan Fogelberg's name.

He greeted me politely with a hello and I said Hi - I have a specific request for you. My sister and I use the name Dan Fogelberg as an expletive. Could you write it here? He said "wait, explain that to me - how did that get started." I told him about when we were little we were just listening to a Christmas TV station and we got a kick out of that name because it sounds like a name that needs to be said with emphasis. He was dying laughing. I just thought we must've been the funniest sisters in the world to have done something to make a famous comedy writer crack up!

Next I asked him to write your name (though he thought Pizza was funnier, so he wrote that) and "Hi Ryan" which we say all the time. He thought that was funny too because out of all the hilarious lines in The Office, we like "Hi Ryan."

Friday, April 4, 2014

Here is the routine I made up for Opelika High School's Kickline! The girls were very sweet and fun to work with! They asked good questions and I am going to miss them! Good thing I'll be with them pretty much every day in the fall :)