depression

So I’m a big Alice in Wonderland fan (you may have guessed that already). It is because I can see myself in different parts of her journey and right now I’m falling and waiting for the ground to hit me. And it’s exactly as her fall, long enought that you realize that you’re falling and panic and actually get bored and be scared out of your mind all of the time.

I have been jumping in the middle of the night for the last few night, hasn’t happened in a while and then I was too sad to fall asleep and my heart was pounding and I just feel helpless and broken. Anxiety is a bitch! It’s a bitch even when you are extremelly rational, even worse maybe because you realize what’s happening but you still can’t stop it. And then you’re in a place that you wonder if the other people on the bus can see how broken you feel and how many of them feel the same way? How do you tell you friends or family? And even if I understand what might have unlocked this thing now, I still feel bad because I don’t feel like I have the right to feel so unhappy, I’m more fortunate than most people in the world and extremely grateful for it. But this sadness is taking over me and I feel like I need something of someone to fix it but you know the knight in shining armour is just not interested in saving this damsel and she is not even sure she wants to be saved but she sure is in distress.

Truth is I need a break, I’m just not sure from what exactly. And there are so many things I have to do that I don’t feel like I can affort it now.

However, if you’re reading this: Thank you for taking the time! And sorry for my not so coherent writing.