Thursday, September 11, 2008

I went for a Gastrointestinal Endoscopy yesterday to check why I have been having severe heartburn as of late.

For those not familiar with superfluous medical terms, Gastrointestinal Endoscopy simply means that they stick a tube with a camera into your mouth, down your throat & into your guts, to see what the h*ll is wrong down there.

Of all the things that I could be praying for, I was praying that they won't ask me to strip, cos I was thinking, why would I need to right? It's not as if they're sticking that tube up my butt. But my prayers were answered, cos all I had to do was to put the blue hospital gown OVER my clothes, wear a shower cap & their sanitised slippers. WHEW. I think God didn't really want to see me naked, cos that would have disturbed the sancity of Heaven.

The nurse sprayed something into my throat & all the muscles in that area went numb. I couldn't even swallow & I could feel that my saliva was starting to pool up in there. It was basically flooding, & I was technically drowning.

Then they hooked me up on a drip, & within 5 counts, I was knocked out like a passed-out monkey shot with a tranquiliser gun on National Geographic.

The whole procedure took about half an hour. Miraculously, 45 minutes later, I woke up feeling nothing except drowsiness. If alien abductions were like this, then there'd be nothing to be afraid of.

Then they gave this to me.

It was a video recording from the little camera that went inside me. I thought that was really cool since I'm into movies & all that. I mean it's not everyday that you get to see the inside of yourself, & this was a movie of it.

Rest assured that I will not be showing you the rest of the movie capture stills. They are sorta disgusting. The whole video was basically a roller-coaster ride into my passageway. Certain times my intestines looked like a slimy butt-hole, & at times they looked like slimy belly-buttons. So I don't think you'd really relish that visual experience here.

The doctor thinks that the problem could be due to the bacteria lodged someway in the passageway. I don't know how these buggers got there in the first place. It's not like I eat dirt you know. And I always wash my hands. So when these buggers fart, they produce acid, which causes the heartburn.

Anyway, now I'm on medication for one week to exterminate those illegal squatters.

Wait a minute, the story's not over yet. When the bill came, I cursed those litte buggers & damn them to h*ll.

I will kill them one by one. I will kill their firstborn, their lastborn & their everyborn. I will kill their fathers, their forefathers, & their before fathers. I will kill all their generations & remove their species from the face of my intestines!