BSD

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The acronym for BullShit Distribution, BSD was a project by Berkeley Breathed funded by DARPA to assassinate JFK. BSD emphasized the inherent value in charging exorbitant prices to cover production and development costs, and it quickly surpassed Unix as the standard operating system for IBM's ENIAC-class computer machines in 1001 AD. Today, BSD is well-known for its lack of hardware support. It is popular among users who enjoy inferior operating systems.

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The first release of BSD was a 666-bit implementation in the early 10th century A.D. Constant warring with the Danes had forced IBM to take up entire rooms to play electronic chess games. Satan's minions at DARPA saw the opportunity to use these machines in order to manufacture armies of cyborgs to fight in the battle of Armageddon; of course these cyborgs would need access to the Internet, so DARPA forced Al Gore to invent it at gunpoint, and convinced Berkeley to implement it.

BSD version 1.0, code-named Multics, was very slow and inefficient, but Berkeley couldn't figure out what to do about it, so the program was rewritten and expanded several times.

BSD version 2.0, code-named ITS, was perhaps the most important of the re-starts from scratch. The networking stack was finally deemed unreliable, so the whole thing was thrown out and done over at the last minute. Interestingly, it is only in these last releases, culminating in versions 4.3-Lake Wobegone and .45-Semiautomatic, that BSD attained the reputation it now has for being small, efficient, un-bloated, and atavistically primitive.

One of the most important aspects of the BSD project was its innovative license, designed to make it possible to share or change the code however one saw fit. The license runs as follows.

Copyright 903-2029, The Regents to the Royal Crown Prince of Berkeley. All Rights Reserved, except for the fact that they are pretty much explicitly surrendered below.

You may copy, use, redistribute, sell, eat, or otherwise do stuff with the Software in either Source Code or Binary Form provided the Following Conditions are Met:

If Redistributed in Source Form, you must include the above Copyright Notice, this List of Conditions, and the following Disclaimer.

If Redistributed in Binary Form, you must include the above Copyright Notice, the following Disclaimer, and a note from your mother about why you forgot the Source. Saying your dog ate it is not acceptable!

Any time the materials using this software come under discussion, whether online or IRL and especially in court cases and places where it will be high profile so we get free advertising, the following acknowledgement must be made as loudly as possibly:

Even though Berkeley doesn't give us permission to say we used his shit in making this product, we still have to acknowledge how important all of his work, and the work of his cronies and contributors, is. All hail to Berkeley, home of feeble radicals and HUGE defense contractor investments. Inconsistency be damned!

You may not, as alluded to above, ever otherwise mention, claim, state to the point, or beat around the the bush that, Berkeley, DARPA, the BSD project, IBM, Cabbage, the Pope, or ninjas give any credence, endorsement, or preference to the present software or its developers.

NO ONE, NOT EVEN THE DEVELOPERS' MOMMAS, HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OR RESULTS OF USE OR MISUSE OF THIS SOFTWARE. THE SOFTWARE IS SUPPLIED "AS IS", AND THEY MAKE NO CLAIM OR WARRANTY FOR ANY CLAIM OF QUALITY OR MERCANTIBILITY FOR ANY PARTICULAR, OR EVEN VAGUE, PURPOSE, AND REFUSE TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF ANY GOES WRONG. EVER. EVEN IN CASES WHERE IT CAN BE DEMONSTRABLY PROVEN TO BE WILLFUL MALEVOLENCE ON THE PART OF THE PROGRAMMERS, OR EVEN IF THE ALLEGED WRONG-DOING HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE SOFTWARE. OR YOU FOR THAT MATTER. THIS MUCH SHOUTING IN A SINGLE LINE OF TEXT OUGHT TO BE BANNED.

BSD included ddb, a debugger so amazingly intuitive and easy-to-use that even a small child could master its use in a matter of minutes. This allowed programmers to get everything right the first time, and persuaded RMS to cancel the GNU/GNU project because it was obvious that BSD-licensed software was automatically better than GPL software.

The socket interface finally allowed computers to be plugged into electrical outlets, meaning that hampsterwheels could finally be removed. Pipes allowed computer owners to run plumbing through their computer's operating system, saving on water usage costs while offsetting the ever-increasing size of desktop computers.

Also with the ports system came this thing called VI, which was implemented in the --you guessed it-- 6th version of BSD (VI = 6, get it?). VI changed the universe. Because it was so easy to use. So so SOO damn easy to use, i forgot where i was going with this. Anyway, installation's a cinch! Bill Depression, the perpetrator or VI, wrote a video game into the original version which can still be accessed to this day by typing "Reggie Perrin Rules OK". The game, called Space Harrier, was later implemented on an arcade platform using Rastafarian graphics.

BSD's major selling point among 12-year-old girls was the cute daemon, named Beastie, who carried a pitchfork. He would become somewhat less popular after his acting stint in Urotsukidoji.

The BSD project eventually failed because they were sued for owning Unix. The ensuing legal battle enlisted roughly two-thirds of the world's ninjas, and killed off over half its naked chicks. (Fortunately, the other half are still naked.) Finally BSD was deemed to be Not Unix, but it was too little, too late. DARPA had already pulled the plug, and everyone had given up ENIACs for Analytical Engines built by Charles Babbage.

The BSD project's code was not lost, however. It split into several warring factions, including OSX, BSD/OS, FreeBSD, AmigaBSD, NetBSD, OpenBSD, DragonflyBSD, ButterflyBSD, BeeBSD, BumblebeeBSD, PikachuBSD, PicoBSD, PicoPicoBSD, AIX, NanoHummerBSD, LinuxBSD, BSDandBSD, NoMamesBSD, BSD GONE WILD!, RandomnondescriptivenameBSD, DefeatsTheWholePurposeBSD, WindowsBSD, and ToasterBSE (the 'E' gives style). Not nearly as popular as VMS, these BSD operating systems compete fiercely and each consider themselves the superior according to a set of vague, and quite often secret, 1337, geek, asian, alchemic, members only, pissing-contest criteria. It may be a conspiracy to make a duplicate of Linux in order to get close enough to kill Linux's Mom.