Another year, another birthday…

….no, no, not MY birthday, silly! I am ALL done aging, thank you very much. Instead, I celebrate my youngest daughter’s birthday. I now have an 8 and 6 year old! Wait…holy GOD. I have an 8 and 6 year old?! How the HELL did that happen.

The Birthday Girl!

Before you think this is a post lamenting my children growing up, let’s be clear – I am not THAT Mom. Ya’ll all know her…the one who cries when her kid graduates from freaking pre-school or, God forbid, Kindergarten. (The audacity of that kid…) Seriously lady…that asshole you call a kid is 4. Get a grip on yourself. You don’t even like his ass…admit it.

Instead, I pride myself on celebrating my kids’ milestones, not dreading them. What am I supposed to do? Have the only kids on planet Earth who don’t grow up? No. Growing up happens. Celebrate it, don’t dread it.

Those kids see you crying at pre-school graduation, you know…what are you teaching them exactly? That growing up is something to be sad about? That somehow they shouldn’t grow up? PUHLEASE! Perhaps that is what is ‘wrong’ with young people today, they grew up! (BTW – they are always wrong, those poor young people. I feel sad for them – always being ‘wrong’). I digress…you, crazy Mom, are not what this post is about.

My youngest turned 6 a couple of weeks ago and we had yet ANOTHER birthday party at Pump It Up. Seriously, this is the second year in a row for her and we did at least 2 for my eldest. You know the very best thing about parties at Pump It Up? The only thing you have to do is hand over the credit card! Seriously, they do it ALL. They will even send your lazy ass pre-printed invitations which I proudly admit, I have used.

Don’t get me wrong, I had visions of a totally decked out Pinterest inspired awesome 6-yr old party. Full of themed snacks, bakery cake and amazeballs goody bags. Why not? Stella deserves it, right? But dammit – ain’t nobody got time for that! Seriously, raise your hand if you have time for the decked out party and I will give your bored ass something else to do!

When I asked my then 5-yr old angel what she wanted for her party she said “Pump it Up and a Sofia the First cake” and I thanked God for her simple desires. It was easy, low stress and cost me a shitload of money. But, it’s what she wanted, right?! We ordered her lard-filled cake from the grocery store and I put my credit card on file at Pump It Up.

Moms- we are the ones who make kid birthday parties hard and complicated. Let me break it down for you:

1) Kids grow up

2) They aren’t on Pinterest and don’t know what they are ‘missing’

3) They just want a cake with candles and 30 seconds of birthday fame as we all sing

4) And they want a $7 My Little Pony.

So, if you are going with the fully decked out Pinterest party, good for you (and please invite me), but at least admit who you are doing it for. You are either doing it for yourself or those whom you think will judge you based on what kind of party you throw for your kid. It’s not for your kid. Because at the end of the day, all your kid really got was a My Little Pony and she is totally okay with that.