Thursday, July 26, 2007

Should be Sleeping

Well it is late late and with 4 jobs in my inbox to finish before tomorrow (which I cannot seem to muster up the motivation to do...I should really just go to bed), I have opted for blog-hopping instead. It has been nice to go back and read some of your old entries, particularly the month of March.

Today when Tan and I were talking, she stated how much she missed dad... a feeling that has been gnawing at me quite a bit lately. With the the excitement of the Kallispell trip on the horizon, I can't help but feel some sadness....He is the reason that we will all be getting together this coming month, and yet I am sad that he will not be there with us--he would have loved it. There is a definite void now--one that has taken me a bit by surprise...I think Chad said it best in his talk...he really was our lifeline, and even in my adult years, my married life, I depended on him more than I think I realized...I don't think I really have gotten used to him not being here for and with us anymore. I miss those late night phone calls...Chad you have no idea how much your token nearly midnight call has meant those times. What used to be a bit of a bother (as it would usually wake me up), is now a quirky craving. It is funny the things you miss--it seems that some of the things I miss the most are the things that used to bother me the most....like his parking stall wars, or his coca cola addiction (I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to buy that zero cal coke that dad used to drink...for no reason but that it now is some silly fond memory of dad...it's not like I would drink the stuff...but on second thought..." it's zero calories, it is actually quite healthy for you"). The impulse is beginning to subside, but I really have had to control myself whenever I see an older overweight man with worn out shoes in the store...There have been times I have had to refrain from trying to hug a complete stranger because something about him had reminded me of dad. I don't know if this makes sense, but sometimes I feel that if I just retrace his steps I will feel closer to him....So whenever I get the chance, I park in the stall at our COOP that dad parked in when I ran into him while doing my own shopping, "just picking up some last-minute ingredients" 5 hours before the time that he had said he would be coming down for the gourmet Chinese dinner that he would be cooking for the JThardy's and us that night. Some of the things I remember or do to try to remember seem so trivial and silly sometimes...it kind of gives me a chuckle, and then other times, when I have something I want to ask him or tell him, or when a memory or regret comes to me...for no reason at all...out of the blue i am driving along and suddenly I find myself crying again. Well I wish I could write a beautiful poem or something to convey what he means to me...I just can't seem to put it in words. I appreciated going back and reading Chad's talk. You said it right Chad.I sure do miss him!!!