How To Miss a Childhood: Update

"The best inheritance a parent can give to his children is a few minutes of their time each day." ~M. Grundler

On May 10th an employee from the technical support department of my website’s host server contacted me.

His words were unforgettable.

“Miss Stafford, either your site is under attack or something on there is going ‘viral.’”

He added that if the traffic to my site continued at this rate, we’d have to make changes.

I couldn’t help but smile through my tears. I knew my site was not under attack … I knew something quite wonderful was happening. “How To Miss a Childhood” was being shared all over the world … and hundreds of thousands people were coming to my site to read it.

In the days and weeks following the publication of that post, the traffic did not let up and changes did, in fact, have to be made. But I am not going to talk about the changes made to my site. I am going to talk about the changes made in the hearts and lives of those who read the post. Their stories keep coming. Every day for the past 60 days, their stories just keep coming.

In email messages and blog posts written by those affected by the article, words like “addiction,” “compulsion,” and “obsession” were used to describe their relationship with their mobile device (and/or computer).

But then the word “change” pops up. In the hundreds of responses I have received regarding that particular post, the word “change” is used over and over again.

I never realized what a beautiful word “change” was until used in this particular context—by people who have decided distraction is no longer going to sabotage their life or their relationships.

What I found especially amazing about the “change” occurring was its urgency. Many people reported that they took action to alter their phone habits even before coming to the end of the post.

The following remark from one parent echoed the response of many:

“I did not even make it to the end of this article. I was only half way through when I shut off my phone and literally ran across the park so I could play, talk, and connect with my children. I came back to the post later, after my kids were asleep, to read it in its entirety and tell you about the changes that have occurred in my family’s life since reading your post.”

And what’s more, these changes have not been short-term efforts with well-intentioned people reverting back to their distracted ways within a week. These changes have stuck. A more meaningful way of life has been found by millions of people who chose to put down the phone and connect to what really matters.

But wait.

It gets even better.

The changes people are making in regards to their phone and computer usage have been noticed …

by the people who matter.

I’ve always believed children would notice if and when their parents made effort to reduce technology usage and initiate meaningful connection.

But I really had no idea how much.

Well, I do now.

I have been inspired by 60 days of face-to-face interactions with children in my community, as well as communications from young people around the globe. And these interactions have compelled me to write a follow-up to a post I wrote when I first started my journey entitled, “Someone Will Notice: The Inner Dialogue of a Child.”

As we look forward to celebrating Independence Day here in the United States, let us also celebrate our efforts to free ourselves from the distractions of the modern age.

Take the “Hands Free” pledge and plan some time over the holiday to be fully present and connected to what really matters … whether it is 30 minutes, three hours, or the entire day, those minutes can make a difference—and I guarantee someone will notice.

The “Hands Free” Pledge

I’m going Hands Free.

I want to make memories, not to-do lists.

I want to feel the squeeze of my children’s arms, not the pressure of over-commitment.

I want to get lost in conversation with my spouse, not consumed by a sea of unimportant emails.

I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by extracurricular commitments that steal my joy.

I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter and gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of cell phones and text messages.

I am letting go of distraction, disconnection, and perfection to live a life that simply, so very simply, consists of what really matters.

Comments

Dear Rachel,
Yet again, you have so perfectly written the truth about life, about love, about making memories that matter and about choosing priorities correctly.

I found your blog on that May 10th post, and have been eagerly awaiting each new entry, and relishing reading your past blog posts. I have shared your site with everyone I know.

I cannot adequately express in words how grateful I am to you for writing what you do. It has made such a huge difference in my life, in my husbands and the lives of our three amazing kids. I have seen such a monumental change in our family’s life since that May 10 ‘wake up’ call. Even though I was not an overly distracted mom before, I did see myself, nonetheless, very clearly in your descriptions.

There is so much more laughter, music, giggles, smiles, loving touches, conversations and special memories being formed in our family now. So many ‘sunset moments’ are noticed and so many more sentences starting with “I love it when you…”

It was such a pleasure to read today’s post, and to see what a huge impact your words are having on so many people. That is an incredible gift you are giving to countless relationships.

Yes, thank you! I am one of those people who was introduced to your site by that post. My mobile device use was getting out of control and I was uncomfortable with it. That day I began leaving my phone in my car when I got home from work and I don’t get it until the kids are asleep.

May I say that this is also important for our spouses, parents, neighbors, grocery clerks, etc.. To validate, acknowledge, repect and be present with people is really what builds a reverence for life. Technology is just a tool to be used prudently with discernment. So happy to hear of people making these changes; our future depends on it! (Signed a long time hands free mom of a 13 and 16 year old.)

Thank you thank you thank you!!! I can’t even find the words to describe how I am feeling about this post other then with my tears flowing and a lump in my throat. You are an amazing soul in reaching out to the world about letting go and your words just reach into my soul. Bless you on your journey in helping others realize what is truly important. And for those who haven’t realized it yet, may they see the light. You have helped me along in my journey with my family in many ways.

I have been making slow progress in trying to become more ‘hands free’ since my son, now 2, was about 6 months old. I thought leaving my high-pressure job where I spent about 70 hours/week at the office and taking one that allowed me more time at home was ‘enough’. However, your 5/10 post was monumental in helping me realize that I had quite a distance to go, as being home is not the same thing as being present. I’ve started a new ritual – when I leave the office, I lock my phone in the car. There it sits until my son goes to sleep. It took doing this to realize how distracted I really was and how much my son resented this distraction. I think I am headed in the right direction now – I am absolutely amazed at how much I notice about my child now that I am not looking at my phone while he talks to me. Thanks!

This is very powerful, Andrea. I appreciate your openness and honesty. I remember taking my own look inward and acknowledging some pretty difficult truths … but it was there that the most beautiful changes in my life began to take place. Thank you for sharing your specific “change” regarding your phone. That is extremely helpful to someone reading today. Thank you.

I love this idea and as the mother of two grown children I have watched with concern as technology has taken over our lives. First it was the Playstation taking our children from us, then it was the portable DVD in the car so the children were entertained, and now I see parents on their phone while their children sit there. There is a disconnect in our families that must be changed. Keep up the good work!

Okay, I have a confession to make. I always read your posts and revel in how proud I am of my childhood friend. BUT, I always think, thank goodness I am not addicted to my phone and note how plugged in I really am with my kids. HOWEVER……when rereading this, I realized I do carry my phone from room to room, I do send a text here and there and when I’m playing with my kids it’s always sitting next to me. What must that mean to them? Ugh…..thanks for opening my eyes a little more, it’s a journey. 🙂 Much love.

Hello my dear friend, Kerry … I know first hand what a wonderful mother you are. It pains me to think there are connected parents out there who might be reading this post and have feelings of guilt, as you describe. I share my “Hands Free” journey in hopes that it helps bring awareness to someone who might be missing out on the moments that matter in life. This post is not meant to make someone feel like they are not doing “enough” because there is already too much of that in today’s society. My hope is that my posts will inspire someone out there to connect to their child or loved one … whether that is for 5 minutes, an hour, or an entire Saturday. The reality is, we as adults have responsibilities. Sometimes that means taking a call or sending a text or doing work … what I hope is that we don’t let the distractions consume us … like I did for several years. My hope is that I can bring awareness to someone living distracted so he or she might stop for a moment and connect to someone who matters. Thank you for bringing this up, Kerry, so I can clarify my intentions. I want to bring hope, not struggle to those who graciously come here to read.

Well, Rachel, I have to say that it’s not everyone that can inspire me to write a new song. I’ll send you a bare-bones version of it as soon as I finish the melody.

“Little Black Box”

by Gregg Yows, BMI

I get so excited
When I come down the stairs,
Early for breakfast
and you’re sitting there
But you don’t see me
or my tangled up locks
cause you’re always starin’
at your little black box…

Down at the park
where we love to play
You take me there,
but you never stay…
Touching the glass
must be better than me
It takes you places
where I’ll never be…

But you…
…know…

[CHORUS]
I can run faster
and I can sing songs,
Sometimes I wonder
what I’m doing wrong
I can ride bicycles,
and I can skip rocks
I can do more,
than your little black box,
Chatting with me
makes me feel like you care
I don’t need batteries
but I need care
I can make pictures
you know I can talk!
I love you more
than that little black box…

Send me a message
that I’ll understand,
Play with me mommy,
free up your hands
Stop spending your minutes
staring at screens
I’m here to show you
what life really means….

Gregg, I am speechless! You are so talented! What can we do to make this a hit? I would love nothing more than to hear your beautifully written song playing all over the world! INCREDIBLE!!!! Thank you!!!!

Gregg, I have a singing/ukulele playing daughter who someday WANTS to be Taylor Swift, but she is only 5 now! However, I held a “Hands Free Mama” speaking engagement for an outstanding female country artist and her bible study group in the fall. I could send her the cut if you want. I think it is worth a try!

I think you’re onto something. The lyrics have hit me harder than anything else that I have read today after I stumbled across your site. And I do believe, that maybe a young child singing the chorus or some part of this song would me even more monumental than you think. Keep up the great work you guys. I am just amazed!

Rachel,
Your posts are nothing short of beautiful and everything that I aspire to be as a mother, though up until now have failed miserably. I began reading your blog a few months ago when my sister-in-law had e-mailed me “How to Miss a Childhood”. I then began to read 2-3 blog posts a day starting from the beginning to catch up. I was guilty of most of these things before I started reading your blog. As a teacher, it was my goal to make sure to implement many of your suggestions into my summer. I was incredibly excited until about 3 weeks ago when I broke my ankle while running in the Warrior Dash on June 10. Now, not only is our bucket list about as nixed as it can be, those daily distractions I longed to free myself of this summer are the only things that are at my fingertips now that I have to be on the couch for the next 6-8 weeks. I’m incredibly bummed and it saddens me that this goal is slipping through my fingertips. I look forward to your blog posts and if you have any suggestions on other things that I can do as I sit here wallowing in self-pity, I would appreciate it. Thanks for all you do. You truly are a Godsend.

First let me start by saying I am inspired by your commitment to your children and your dedication to being present in their life even in turbulent times is remarkable and important. I commend you for thinking about how you can still have a “Hands Free” summer despite the fact that you are stuck on the couch and probably in some pain!

My advice is to keep in mind that small acts, even brief amounts of time with your full focus, can and will make a difference to your children. For example, try to take a few minutes each day with each child to check-in with that child to see how he/she is doing … even if it is only 5 minutes. On days that you cannot find time to do this, don’t give yourself a hard time. Just keep in mind you are doing the best you can. I have found that feeling guilty or putting myself down as a parent is not productive and it does not help the situation at all. Remind yourself that even good parents make mistakes and that you love your children and that is what is most important to their growth and fulfillment. Also remind yourself that this situation is temporary. You will be able to be more “Hands Free” once you recover.

I don’t know if you saw my post that lists what things kids remember being their favorite activities that their parents did with them when they were young. (http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/the-top-10-things-children-really-want-their-parents-to-do-with-them.html) I think this list will give you hope. Many of these actions can be done from the couch! If you shoot for one of those each day or every other day throughout your recovery, I think you will still feel you are getting meaningful connection with your kids. Here is the list:
1. Come into my bedroom at night, tuck me in and sing me a song. Also tell me stories about when you were little. (They could just as easily visit you at the couch or in your bed for this special nightly ritual.)
2. Give me hugs and kisses and sit and talk with me privately.
3. Spend quality time just with me, not with my brothers and sisters around.
4. Give me nutritious food so I can grow up healthy.
5. At dinner talk about what we could do together on the weekend.
6. At night talk to me about about anything; love, school, family etc.
7. Let me play outside a lot. (Maybe some days you might be able to make your way outside just to sit and watch them play or show you what they can do.)
8. Cuddle under a blanket and watch our favorite TV show together.
9. Discipline me. It makes me feel like you care.
10. Leave special messages in my desk or lunch bag. (Might I suggest a journal for you to write notes to your child and he/she could write notes back to you? See my post about this here:

I don’t know your children’s ages, but my 6 and 9 year old enjoy board games and cards. They also enjoy listening to music with me. You might not be able to dance, but you could be a captive audience.

Good luck to you! I hope your healing process goes quickly! Let me know how it is going!!! I am so glad you reached out to me!

When I read your How to Miss a Childhood post, I thought, “so awesome someone has written about this.” I thought smugly that although I was guilty of being on my phone more than I needed to, I was a pretty good mom to my 8 month old.

But then I read this post, and the lines from Someone Has Noticed: The Inner Dialogue of A Child completely convicted me. I want that to be my baby’s inner dialogue, but I’m not sure it is. Even at the very young age of 8 months, she goes for my phone more than any of her toys or books. Is it because she sees it always me? Is it because even at that age, she is noticing that when she is not getting my attention, it is the phone that usually has it?

Such a great wake up call… yes, a hands free revolution will be starting in this family!

Dear Rachel, “KEEP IT UP”. Your blogs are very inspiring and emotional, They make you CRY……………
Greg Yows song is the most beautiful song I have heard in a long time. It will definitely be a HIT!!!!!!!!!!

After reading the first post I have started noticing how attached I am to my electronics. I have started to catch myself when I begin to say ” just let me finish this” and I’ve started saying ” okay, I’ll put this down what shall we do?” Seeing the joy on my boys faces when I chose them over a piece of machinery has made me realise I have been missing out, even though I never noticed before. Thank you for helping me come to my senses before it was too late.

Thank you for your wonderful articles. How to miss a childhood was very insightful. I have no children of my own but I have wondered how this overly “connected” age will affect this next generation. Hopefully these articles will have an impact. Children are gifts, a tremendous responsibility with that gift and these article’s are a reminder of that. Thank you.

I would like to say a huge thank you. There’s not many things that make me cry, but “how to miss a childhood” cuts deep. I have to beautiful people that are so loving, clever and intelligent, but have become needy and now I see and feel clearly why.. So thank you again I won’t let them miss me again while I’m in the same room

This is why I write poetry to keep my mind occupied. Even though I am 73 and have been married for 48 years, memories still do and will always persist if and when I insist
which I find hard to resist. http://www.poetrysoup.com Name: jthorn5656; Password:
*soldierboy* which is in asterisks. Also, I am at http://www.story-telling-around-the-world.com James Thomas Horn

I have been writing my poems and sending them to people around the world. I would like them to have weekly poetry readings at every library in the world. Wouldn’t that be great. That would be a great memory to have knowing I was the person who initiated the program.

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Welcome!

I want to make memories, not to-do lists. I want to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter & gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones & text messages. I’m letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to grasp what really matters. I’m living Hands Free. Will you join me? (Read More)

Meet Rachel

“After attending one of Rachel’s speaking events, I am finding myself pausing more and re-setting my reactions to my spouse and children as a result of reflecting on the situations and lessons Rachel shared. Her decision to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what she’s learned as she’s worked to transform herself, has lasting impacts on her audience. Rachel’s lessons are like ripples in the ocean as they help others like me move towards choosing love and coming as we are. Rachel works wonders by helping others work wonders.”
–A Hands Free Mama in progress