Things have truly come to a pretty pass when a British citizen can't wheel his corpulent backside into a doctor's surgery without some uppity sawbones thinking insulting thoughts.

I quite identify with the plight of the porky here since medical professionals tend to draw conclusions about my appearance too, shouting things like Hold him down, nurse! and Get a Hazmat team in here, stat! whenever I drag my sorry, flea-bitten carcass in front of them.

I say that we should take issue with ignorant stereotypes that rob people of their dignity, and stand up for those unfortunate bloaters who literally cannot stand up for themselves.

What evidence is there that the clinically obese are "lazy", for instance? For all we know, the average buffet slayer could run fifteen miles a day before tucking into a nourishing bucket of curry.

As a regular attendee at football matches, I can assure you that the great British pie monster can near enough break the sound barrier when the referee blows the half-time whistle.

And sticking with football, what evidence is there that the lardy are "worthless"? If I weighed fifty stone, I'd be bulking up in the hope that the Scottish national side would call me up as a goalkeeper - eat enough doughnuts and I might even completely fill the goalmouth, although I wouldn't be surprised if Scotland still failed to get past the group stage.

So let's not disrespect people and run them down them just because of their appalling personal habits. I say that if my fellow human being wants to stuff his or her fat face with deep-fried shite until he or she resembles a grotesque, wobbling balloon stuffed to bursting with lard, then I have no right to sit in judgement.

Let us not look down our noses at the greedy fuckers, for none of us are perfect.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Via Sadly, No! I've been monkeying about with Xtranormal, a natty make-your-own movie widget. It's a bit limited for budding Sergio Leones, but some quick experimenting has shown that running a few blog posts through it adds life and vigour to otherwise pedestrian writing.

By way of example, here's Brett Lock of Harry's Place expounding his theory for the pacification and democratisation of Afghanistan...

So here I am, back from my holidays to find that the MPs expenses scandal is still rumbling on.

I don't understand why everyone is so angry about this. From my perspective, a House of Commonsful of MPs scheming on ways to bilk their expenses for a few grand is infinitely less harmful and expensive than what they would otherwise be doing.

I'd be delighted, for instance, if MPs spent all of their time fiddling a few hundred for their duck ponds and none at all planning £6.5bn clusterfuck invasions of foreign countries. Let them fiddle 24 hours a day, I say, if it distracts them from deeply suspicious and wildly extortionate schemes like the new ID cards system. It'll be much cheaper, and their excuses and justifications would be infinitely more honest.

To cut down on reading time, a brief list of people whose fraudulent and self-serving outrage means that they can Foxtrot Oscar -

Gordon Brown, David Cameron - Yes, we get it, you're sorry and you're taking stern action. Rangers manager Walter Smith makes a big song and dance of apologising and handing small fines to his players every time they're caught feigning injury or boozing, thus avoiding long-merited action against the club by the SFA. This is the same thing, done in an even less convincing manner.

UKIP, the BNP and assorted political parties filled with and voted for by cretins - The fact that you're doing the pearl-clutching horror act for political gain does not mean that you aren't a bunch of xenophobic morons with fucknut policies. You are.

Anthony Steen MP - It's a brave man who gets caught ripping off his employers, then ticks them off for being jealous of his vast personal wealth. Rifle in the back, then into the rice paddy with you.

Right wingers offended by Anthony Steen MP - Imagine, a very wealthy member of a self-selecting oligarchy who has been caught cheating, then accusing his critics of jealousy and class warfare! Where would he get a notion like that?

Libertarians - Gordon Brown and David Cameron could get caught with their fingers in the till and their dicks in a dachshund, and I'd still vote for either before you lot. That's because both Labour and the Tories have at least a century of stable government behind them, while you lot can't even get elected to the PTA. Note - There is a reason why you can't even get elected to the PTA, and it isn't because of the Marxoid BBC or the British sheeple's servility. It's your horrible policies and personalities.

There may be others, I forget. Frankly, this kind of self-righteous circle-jerk makes me want to hop onto the next flight back to Greece, but we've all got to work for a living.