The Resolution Diary: One Man's Quest To Get A Six-Pack

Well, happy 2013, everyone! It’s that depressing time of year when, despite having nothing but two months of bitter cold with virtually no holidays to look forward to, people the world over decide to start their lives anew. It’s also the time of year when health clubs get big, throbbing boners made of dollar signs, for other than those wishy-washy buttholes who say thing like, “This year I resolve to be nicer to people,” getting in shape is far and away the most popular New Year’s resolution. I imagine January 2nd is a lot like Black Friday for the fitness industry, only the people are slightly less sweaty.

I’ve never been one to make resolutions, and not because I think they’re pointless or anything like that. Don’t worry, no cringe-worthy, Family Circle-style “This year, I resolve to stop making resolutions!” jokes will be made here. No, the truth is that I don’t make resolutions because the idea of having a goal that requires me to change my habits or behaviors is stupid and awful and I hate it. And that, right there, is why I think most people fail to achieve their resolutions.

It’s either a goal that’s impossible to measure (“I’m going to be nicer to people”) or one that requires them to stop doing something deeply ingrained in their psyches (“I’m going to quit smoking”). I’m not saying that people don’t do it, because they do; it’s just that most don’t. Making a resolution that requires you to stop doing something you already enjoy is a lot harder than one that requires you to start doing something new.

The other reason resolutions fail is that people are often ignorant (willfully or otherwise) of the true motivation behind their resolutions, which is almost always vanity. Saying you "want to be nicer to people" is the socially acceptable way of saying, “I realize I’m a dick and I want people to like me.” Guys say they want to get in shape because it masks their true goal in a facade of health. They never admit, “I want to look hot because I believe that will make the ladies want to slob on my knob.” Quitting smoking is perhaps the least vain (or at least most understandably selfish) resolution, and even then you only adopt it because enough people in your social circles have bitched about it that it’s actually easier to break a crippling physical and psychological addiction than it is to endure one more person telling you how unhealthy it is.

Because I am in no way ashamed of my own vanity (and because my editress asked me to), I’ve made a resolution that I’ll chronicle in these pages throughout the month of January. No, not quitting smoking. Get real. That would be hard and would provide no immediate enhancement to my physical appearance. I thought about the old “get in shape” standby, but that’s hard to measure. Sure, I could get jacked by my standards, but Redskins QB Robert Griffin III can squat well over 600 pounds, making “fitness” a little too relative.