Breaking down racial prejudice, preconceptions

Miss Conduct

I have a story for you this week that illustrates what I
consider inappropriate social conduct, but that more importantly
describes a malignant social disease — prejudice. I do not know how
to isolate its cause or how to kill it. But I do have a suggestion
for how to keep it from spreading and how to fight back.

I was at a dance party a few months ago with my friend and her
boyfriend. While walking back to her house at the end of the night,
her boyfriend brought up that he’d seen me kiss this guy. I’m
paraphrasing because I won’t repeat his exact words, but he told me
he thought it was strange that I had “such a thing for black
guys.”

“Excuse me?” was my first reaction. “Who the hell do you think you
are?” was the next one. I was floored.

But what I actually said was, “I’m not exactly sure what you mean
by that.” He explained that whenever we’d been at parties together
he had seen me dancing with guys who happened to be black, and it
was weird to him. Where he went to high school, he told me, girls
like me just didn’t date black boys.

So much was going on in my head at this point that I was at a loss
for what to say. For you to better understand his position, I’ll
give you a quick sketch of myself: I have white skin and blond
hair. If anyone were to stereotype me based solely on my appearance
alone, they would probably label me “WASP-y.” I grew up in a preppy
town where typical high school apparel was J. Crew cardigans, Polo
shirts and corduroys. My friend’s boyfriend who presumed to comment
on my dating life grew up in a city that was very economically,
ethnically and racially divided. He is Hispanic, if that matters,
though I’m not sure why it would. As already stated, the person I
had kissed was black. Not that the boyfriend knew this about my
dancing partner, but he went to high school in a town nearly as
preppy as mine and may own more Polo shirts than I do.

Some of you reading the above might be asking, why is it relevant
where you or he or this other guy grew up? I mention where my
friend’s boyfriend comes from because I think he used his
background to read what he saw at the party. He looked at me and at
the guy I was dancing with, and based on our appearances, he
pictured us in the context of his high school experience. The image
made no sense to him. I gather my appearance is what he meant by
girls “like” me, and I think his idea of my preppy hometown may
have played into his perception of who I am. He defined me based on
the assumptions he had made about my life and cultural identity. He
interpreted my personality based on my looks.

For me, though, no idea could be more foreign. Where I grew up,
race was not an issue that explosively divided my community. I am
not saying there were no debates about race and social equality in
Princeton, and I will not presume to know or understand the extent
to which different people in my hometown feel as though “race” was
an issue. However speaking from my own perspective, I can honestly
say I never thought about race as a barrier between people.

I was at a loss for how to proceed in this conversation. I was
offended, for a lot of reasons. First, I could not believe this
person had felt he had any right to comment on what kind of man “I
had a thing for.” Who I am attracted to is none of his business.
Second, he clearly did not know me well at all, because his
conclusion was incorrect. I have dated men of different skin tones
and with different other physical attributes someone might find
relevant in defining my “type.” To draw conclusions about my dating
life from observing who I danced with at a few parties was an
incomplete survey of me. A more accurate description of who I have
“a thing for” would be nice, cute guys who are talented and
passionate about what they do — and who are also hopefully good
dancers.

More than anything, though, I was shocked that he treated our skin
tones as relevant at all. I know there is a real physical
difference between “white” skin and “black” skin, just the same way
that there is a difference between people in height and eye color,
and in whether one’s earlobes are connected to the side of one’s
head. It’s all in our genes. I also know that my friend’s boyfriend
is a smart guy who is certainly aware of that. What he meant by
“black” and “white” was an association that in reality had nothing
to do with physical appearances. It was a whole conception of
social division between races that his time in high school had
ingrained in him, for whatever reasons. I will not pretend to
understand what life experiences he encountered that made that
division so real to him. However what shocked and angered me was
not so much that he grew up in a community where social segregation
was very real — though I do think it’s sad that such places exist
in New Jersey.

What upset me was that he did not realize that this community, our
University community, is not like his hometown. It isn’t like mine
either. It is its own unique environment where we have the
opportunity to make our own social rules. By bringing in his
attitudes toward race and dating and whatever else to bear on my
dating life, he tried to fit me into the cultural environment of
his upbringing. I refuse to accept its right to define my actions.
I understand that where he is from, me kissing this guy would have
been a transgression. Where I am from it would not be. At the
University, it only is if we as a community decide to treat it as
such. It hadn’t even occurred to me that anyone would.

I believe what matters is not what culture shapes your childhood
and what community attitudes you grow up surrounded by, but what
you choose to take from that background and how you decide to let
those experiences influence your life. So I am asking both you and
myself to think about the prejudices we each hold and where they
come from. The University is a bubble where we get the chance to
shape our community as we see fit. Let’s try to treat each other as
equals and peers. I challenge you to strip away your preconceptions
of other people and instead, judge them based on who they prove
themselves to be.

Courtney Shaw is a School of Arts and Sciences senior majoring in
English and history with a minor in French. Her column, “Miss
Conduct,” normally runs on alternate Thursdays.