One of the biggest challenges in terms of parenting an adolescent is sometimes understanding what is going on with them. I have found that in my own experience that it's helpful to understand roughly what the parameters are. Knowing that your kids are not anomalies, even if they are frustrating, is a comfort. I've spoken with many parents over the years in my capactiy as a teacher who were suprrised and relieved to find out that their child's behaviors (or misbeahviors) atually conform to some pretty well established patterns of adolesence. Knowing doesnt' fix it, but it can help you adapt better and address things. It also give you a sense of what battles are important and winnable and what you should let slide.

So, in that spirit, let me offer some large generalizations about the different ages I teach-- 6th, 7th, and 8th graders.

Obviously, this is based on my experience. I don't purport that these are universal. They're just my observations. Also, remember that every group has outliers, and so even if an observation is true for most 7th graders, it will generally be not be true for every single person in that group.

One other thing to add: some changes are developmental, based on biology--most 13 year olds will act certain ways, for example, but some of it is alos based on envirnoment and culture. I teach in a K-8 school, and that has impact. An 8th grader in my school, fo exampe, is treated like a senior, and so will probably demonstrate more respnsibility and confidence than some 8th graders who who go to 7-9 or 5-12 schools.

If, after all those disclaimers, you are still reading, I'll start with 6th graders.

6th graders are really quite fun. You might start seeing some puberty-driven tempestuousness or cluelessness, especially towards the end of the school year. But, on the whole, 6th graders are actually quite sweet. They are young enough and sweet enough to generally want to please adults--not yet too cynical or sarcastic. They are old enough to actually be able to do good work and perform at a reasonably high level and show some independence. If your child hits puberty on the early side, you might not see this. They might be disorganized, truculent, and overly-emotional. Do not fear! That just means they are on the early side of things. It will even out. And, next year, while all their peers's parents are tearing their hair out, you will hit some stability.

They are generally not truly involved romantically. Some of the more socially precocious may imitate older peers or siblings by having a boyfriend or girlfriend, but this is generally simply a social convention and doesn't have a deep-seated emotional or physical attachment. Most of what I observe them doing in boy and girl relationships is simply mimicry, based on what they've seen.

Depending on whether they are the oldest in a K-6 school or the youngest in a different model, you will see some variation in this. In a K-6 school, the fact that they are the kings of the place might lead to some more confidence or brashness.

6th grade is usually the transition year to adolescence--you will start to see them assert more autonomy. They might begin to dress or style their differently--less like a child and more like a young adult. They may show (or feign) an interest in music or movies that everyone else is seeing.

The influence of the peers will be significant and you will probably see your own influence rapidly decline while that of their peers increases. In almost every class or grade, there will be a few kids who have older siblings and are therefore initiated into the coolest clothes, music, and so forth. Everyone else will start following their example to various degrees.

I see most 6th graders as somewhat analogous to small children who dress up in their parent's clothes. The clothes don't fit and it's obvious there's a mismatch. 6th graders start trying to look and act like teenagers. It doesn't fit them, and it's obvious. Most likely they will have some fashion or cosmetic misfires, the memory of which will haunt them forever. They are, for the most part, teenage impersonators--going through the motions without totally understanding what they are doing.

They will still show genuine emotion and are generally not too guarded about that. They haven't quite internalized the rule that cool means being casual and calm and never getting excited about anything.

For that reason, they are fun to teach and you don't have to work so hard to coax them in to trying new things or getting them excited about a concept or book or piece of music.

Socially, the girls start buzzing around a Queen Bee or two and the girls tend to start to be very socially hierarchical. I'm convinced that they don't mean to be unkind--they are just very, very thoughtless, for the most part, and don't think about who their actions might effect others. They generally aren't actively mean, but will neglect and ignore people. Part of this is driven by an increasing sense of insecurity--they often don't feel strong enough to reach out to others.

Boys tend not to be quite so stratified yet. Boys group themselves, usually, by whatever team or activity they do, and are fairly open. They tend to be a little less exclusive on those terms. They also tend to be a lot more energetic. A. LOT.

I read it, and thought it was spot-on. So I shared it (or at least parts thereof) with other family members, who also agreed that there was a lot to it, especially the parts about 6th graders being (often clueless) imitation teenagers. And yet...

When I started thinking about my family, I realized that there's a disconnect between these descriptions and my own children. And myself. And my wife. Specifically, I think all of us are deficient in the imitating-other-people instincts, both in sixth grade and at other ages. I don't know if that's because we're too clueless to perceive other people's social patterns (my wife has long hypothesized that a mild form of Asperger's may run in our family) or for some other reason.

It's actually been a cause of social pain for all of us. It probably also contributed to me becoming a writer: trying to figure out these aliens around me on a conscious level, because there was so much that I didn't understand instinctively the way others around me seemed to do. I've more or less come to terms with it now, but it's interesting to get some possible insights into how and why the differences exist.

Reply

Braden

5/4/2012 05:04:38 am

That is a very interesting discussion, Jonathan. I'm sorry about the social pain! Not knowing your whole family, I can't say for sure, but I do wonder if this might be attributable less to something like Asberger's (although that is something that we seem to be hearing more and more about so it may well be possible) and at least partially to the fact that you may have different goals, different hobbies, and therefore, differences in action.

What I mean by that is this: one of the main transmitters of behavior is culture, especially pop culture. If you prefer to read or write or enjoy different forms of culture than the majority of those around you, then your actions will be different. You will laugh at different things, use different buzzwords and so forth.

My sense is that you have been able to create a unique and wonderful culture in your family. My quick read is that it is perhaps a more literate and intellectual culture than your average peer. I wonder if this might be at least part of the explanation.

That's certainly a possibility! You're definitely right about families having their own distinct cultures. Though that leads to the question: so how much of peer-imitation is hardwired into young teens, and how much is because the culture around us?

Social pain is pretty much part of the middle school environment for everyone, I think. I guess I just wanted to point out that not having the must-blend-in habit doesn't necessarily immunize one from wanting social acceptance.

Sharing part of this with my oldest song afterwards, his response was something like: or maybe we're just imitating other things, not our same-age peers. It seems to me that one of the immense, often unremarked strengths of reading is that it can free us from the tyranny of our immediate social group by broadening those we think of as peers. "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Which is, perhaps, one reason for reading stories about people/characters a little bit better than we ourselves are: it makes us want to make ourselves better people in order to be fit for their company.

That's certainly a possibility! You're definitely right about families having their own distinct cultures. Though that leads to the question: so how much of peer-imitation is hardwired into young teens, and how much is because the culture around us?

Social pain is pretty much part of the middle school environment for everyone, I think. I guess I just wanted to point out that not having the must-blend-in habit doesn't necessarily immunize one from wanting social acceptance.

Sharing part of this with my oldest song afterwards, his response was something like: or maybe we're just imitating other things, not our same-age peers. It seems to me that one of the immense, often unremarked strengths of reading is that it can free us from the tyranny of our immediate social group by broadening those we think of as peers. "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Which is, perhaps, one reason for reading stories about people/characters a little bit better than we ourselves are: it makes us want to make ourselves better people in order to be fit for their company.

That's certainly a possibility! You're definitely right about families having their own distinct cultures. Though that leads to the question: so how much of peer-imitation is hardwired into young teens, and how much is because the culture around us?

Social pain is pretty much part of the middle school environment for everyone, I think. I guess I just wanted to point out that not having the must-blend-in habit doesn't necessarily immunize one from wanting social acceptance.

Sharing part of this with my oldest song afterwards, his response was something like: or maybe we're just imitating other things, not our same-age peers. It seems to me that one of the immense, often unremarked strengths of reading is that it can free us from the tyranny of our immediate social group by broadening those we think of as peers. "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Which is, perhaps, one reason for reading stories about people/characters a little bit better than we ourselves are: it makes us want to make ourselves better people in order to be fit for their company.

That's certainly a possibility! You're definitely right about families having their own distinct cultures. Though that leads to the question: so how much of peer-imitation is hardwired into young teens, and how much is because the culture around us?

Social pain is pretty much part of the middle school environment for everyone, I think. I guess I just wanted to point out that not having the must-blend-in habit doesn't necessarily immunize one from wanting social acceptance.

Sharing part of this with my oldest song afterwards, his response was something like: or maybe we're just imitating other things, not our same-age peers. It seems to me that one of the immense, often unremarked strengths of reading is that it can free us from the tyranny of our immediate social group by broadening those we think of as peers. "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Which is, perhaps, one reason for reading stories about people/characters a little bit better than we ourselves are: it makes us want to make ourselves better people in order to be fit for their company.

That's certainly a possibility! You're definitely right about families having their own distinct cultures. Though that leads to the question: so how much of peer-imitation is hardwired into young teens, and how much is because the culture around us?

Social pain is pretty much part of the middle school environment for everyone, I think. I guess I just wanted to point out that not having the must-blend-in habit doesn't necessarily immunize one from wanting social acceptance.

Sharing part of this with my oldest song afterwards, his response was something like: or maybe we're just imitating other things, not our same-age peers. It seems to me that one of the immense, often unremarked strengths of reading is that it can free us from the tyranny of our immediate social group by broadening those we think of as peers. "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." Which is, perhaps, one reason for reading stories about people/characters a little bit better than we ourselves are: it makes us want to make ourselves better people in order to be fit for their company.