Sunday, November 27, 2005

Before I start writing out this post, I was wondering what format should this entry be like. Should I post an entry with lots of pictures of the said character, should I detail this entry with lots of links to the blogs of this person, or should I just write whatever I think about this guy. Well, you see, this guy here asked for a tribute written for him. But heck, I'm not going to do so much work for him. bleahz...

Instead I shall make this into more of a post about myself, referencing the guy who wanted a tribute. I was chatting with him one night and we talked about the 90s Canto and Mandopop songs. He sent me a couple of songs, and one of them was Andy Lau's Bu Neng Mei You Ni, translating loosely to Cannot Live Without You. It's a very standard 90s Andy Lau's song, but somehow, after repeated playing of this song on my Windows Music Player, the song stucked in my head. I ended up in my that self pity mode all over again.

《不能没有你》刘德华

往事历历在心田扯动强忍已久的思念命运这样捉弄人让你重新出现在眼前不敢出声留住你害怕伤心总会又重演望着你背影独自和冷风缠绵

挣扎不知多少年才愿相信你早已走远或许在别人怀里才有你梦想中的春天缘份不要我爱你为何不让我心甘情愿留下的回忆还要折磨我几遍

我怨天怨地怨自己不能没有你我说情说爱说不尽有谁愿意听寂寞象是一把火烧在漫漫黑夜里照亮了过去刺痛我的心教我该如何平息

永远也无法平息

I was examining the reason behind my soft spots of Andy Lau and Aaron Kwok's songs of the 1990s. I think it was mainly because of my TV diet during that period of time. Andy Lau and Aaron Kwok, in the 1990s, acted in a whole lot of Hong Kong movies, and they would naturally sing the theme songs of those movies they acted in. Growing up in the 1990s, watching those Hong Kong movies and some drama serials, I grew to enjoy their songs. And those songs being written so vividly, everytime I hear them I can almost picture the scenes of the movies all over again. That was my childhood.

First thanks to that Hermit guy, for all those songs he sent me~(hmm... With me publicly tributing my gratitude does that mean I can have those songs for free? hehehe~)

I wanted to link up his blog to his name, but cos he has retired from blogging currently so I don't suppose it makes any sense of me to link up a dead blog, does it? *waves* I suppose that's a hint for you to do something to your blog? hahaha~

I went to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday morning at 10am. Yea... You must think I must be crazy to watch that movie at that time. I think I am, but I was scared that other times might not be able to get tickets, so there I was at 10am on a monday morning with like 3 hours of sleep the night before.

I'm not going to give a blow by blow account on what happened in Harry Potter, neither am I going to do a movie review for it cos I think more than enough people have done more than enough publicity for it liao, but one thing I must say is that I think that Stanislav Ianevski person looks like Wayne Rooney.

Just look at the pictures...

They've both got this squarish face, they both got this big buff body, they both got this intense stare, they both got the brows seemingly locked together, and they coth got this face just that just shouts "come slap me, and I'll slap you back, hard!" They both are like so burly and want to bash people up anytime. Oh... And especially the maze scene when Krum was under the imperious curse and goes round attacking everyone else, he looked exactly like rooney during a football match!

I think I've just got nothing better to do, to put up something just like this. Anyway, I think I might watch the Manchester United vs Villareal match later. Just to watch how Rooney is like Krum. And by the way, in the Yule Ball scene when Krums greets Hermione, he actually did a military greeting, without the hand. His heels clicked. Okay, we didn't see his heels, but his body did moved as though his heels clicked, and I did hear a distinct clicking sound.

I like the clicking of heels as a military salute rather than the raising of a foot and stamping it into the ground we see nowadays. The clicking of heels looks so much more civilised and glam. Or am I overly affected by all that military history and nationalism I'm studying now? wahaha~

Okay, I'm doing a Wikipedia search on salutes but found nothing related to the clicking of heels, so I shall now type "clicking of heels". I wonder if there would be anything on it since I'm not very sure what the proper name for it should be. Okay, I can't get anything out of it, so the next search. hope I can find something interesting to share. Heck... I'll get back another day, can't find a picture of the clicking of heels. What Wikipedia has is only hand salutes.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I remember some time ago I told myself that I shall not bring all my emotional baggage out into the open again. For the sake of myself and the people around me, I should keep them somewhere inside me. But I failed horribly in trying to do so. In fact, in trying so hard to get back something I so wanted, I totally lost myself, and gained another emotional baggage.

I tried everything I could to hold onto it. I did the best I can. I tried being docile and always being around, that failed. I tried being the strong silent one giving advices cos someone told me that was better than being docile, that failed. I even tried mindfucking, that failed the worst. I got myself mindfucked and so unhappy and that happening to myself, I tried to play pay in on, and got myself doubly fucked. I can't mindfuck for anything other than me receiving another dose of mindfuck, this time from myself. I tried living with it, but I find my nights now driven into despair.

I once gave this analogy to a fast friend of mine. He tried probing into me, the nicest way I could say out this problem is that shit fell onto me. Not once, not twice, not even three times. Shit fell on me a goddamn four times. During that little conversation we had, we both concluded that I cannot go around letting shit fall on me again, but what he didn't know that that although I wiped off one of the shit on my head, I still have three pieces of shit left. Although one piece of shit is turning invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, although I have no idea if another piece of shit has yet turn invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, whether or not anyone can see it. And I won't be wanting to clear two pieces of the shit. I might be able to wipe off one piece of shit, but I can't bring myself to do it to the other two pieces. Even that piece which I might be able to wipe it off, it would really take me a big deal to get that piece of tissue paper.

Before we fell out, I had this friend whom I share all my problems to. I joked that perhaps I'm just suay, or I have a face that attracts shit, or I have the Midias Touch, only thateverything I touch will turn to shit. later, just before we fell out, he gave me this advice, don't bring out my emotional baggage to just about anyone. I heeded advice. That's why to fast friends, I don't dare delve deep into my problems. Even when I told the first friend my problems, I used a humorous analogy, and tried laughing it out.

but I almost made the mistake again. I think I am a person seeking comfort, so time to time I cannot control myself and want to seek solace in people. I'm emotionally overly dependent on others. But as someone had pointed it out somewhere I read, emotional baggage is not attractive. And if this goes on, I'll not only lose all possible friends who are of the same kind as my second friend.

This another fast friend of mine is potentially a piece of shit. maybe I should really heed the first friend's advice and steer myself far far away from all possible shit-like stuff, then maybe things will be fine after all. And I should keep my emotional baggage all to myself.

People don't know where you've come from, but they can see where you are heading towards.

What is the use of me hugging Nicky to sleep every night? What is the use of me continuing that hide and seek lifestyle? Even after that little hitch, can't learn from mistakes. What would take it for me to drop down everything and just start life anew without the shits or baggages.

I have this fantasy. Perhaps, sometime in the near future, someone can help me wipe off the shits on me, and to take over my baggages from me and perhaps chuck them aside. I can always get new clothes. But then, why must I need help? Why can't I clean off the shit myself or chuck the baggages away myself? Well, the only explanation I can give is not that I'm dependent on others, but I see it as a motivation. There is nothing now for me wo do clean up and spring cleaning, but if the need arises, I will have to do it. I can't will myself to want to do it, as of yet.

Suddenly I'm looking forward to my exchange programme. Maybe having a change in environment will do me some good. Maybe there is another life out there in the big big world. Maybe...

Or am I merely escaping from the problem? Would I come back to Singapore four months later to the same old problem to the same old shit and to the same old baggage? i hope this won't be the case.

I realised I've been blogging a lot lately, and some of these thoughts aren't really suitable for most people to read, but I'm still doing it. I need an avenue to discharge my feelings. Perhaps if there was an emotional version of a pensieve that can serve me to great use, if not, I hope by blogging things out I can feel more relaxed. The stress is getting into me too. I do lots of shit things during exams, can go and check my archiaves and see, everytime during exam period what are all the funny things I find myself doing.

I'm tired. I slept at 4+am last night and woke up at 8. I took an hour+ nap in the afternoon but was still very tired. I went to take another nap at 11pm and woke up at 1am. Maybe I should straight after typing this, time now, 2.37am, it's a bit more than half an hour since I started writing this entry.

Actually, I have a confession to make. I am nocturnal only because I am afraid of sleeping. I'm afraid of the day ending, and I lost another day by whiling myself away, so I try to procrastinate ending the day. Another thing I'm afraid of sleeping are the dreams I can have. No, not nightmares, but dreams, starkly true dreams. Some dreams can be sweet, reflecting my innermost desires, but when I wake up, there'd be this hollow feeling, because I know it is not possible. Some dreams reflect reality, the stark dreams that harshly reminds myself where is my position in life and warns me not to do anything stupid. I can feel the fear when I wake up to that.

But I'm tired. So I guess I really should be sleeping. My appointment is tomorrow. I'll see how things go from there, hope it would really do me at least some good instead of telling me the usual things of letting go.

This is pretty screwed up. So, am I supposed to feel 31 years old? Oh shit... The little voices in me are telling me that this is supposed to be of such the case... After all the past events that affected me, I've aged terribly, so I'm now de facto 31 years old... Oh my god...

But I think the description is pretty screwed too. It's like so politically incorrect yet hurtfully true. Have I tasted success? What is success, maybe I should put it this way? And about true love, what is it really about? Is what I had/have/will have be considered as true love? Right now, I don't feel like thinking about anything much, just live life as it is. Maybe I am growing old. And maybe, by resting back, I'm actually seeking something else, something that might or might not come to me, but it's actually me trying to seek a different approach in life at this present moment.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I was browsing through blogs when I came across this friend's. I just broke down crying as I read through it. It wasb't actually crying, but the tears just flow out naturally.

Nicky. That's all I'm left with now. But how can I compare Nicky with that pair hanging down the mirror? To think I was just all happy about things yesterday, today I'm pulled back into reality. When can I wake up from this nightmare?

It's the exams again. Here is Joan with nothing better to do, typing away on her blog. She basically screwed herself up this exams because of mismanagement of time and her stupid sicknesses. Yes, Joan have yet recovered, and she's on the nocturnal animal mode again, which means that she's so totally screwed.

She's only taking three papers this exama and the first papers is on the 24, which gave her the illusion that she had a lot of time, hence she totally squandered away the first couple of days of her so called reading week, or holiday as it seemed to her. But give her credit, she was and is still sick. It sucks to think that she is now into her second week straight of sickness, still doesn't seem that she looks like she's going to get well soon. She needs help man...

Next up, Joan has been hooked on the internet and all the she she can get from online. A couple of webbies she has been browsing through lately...

IMDb, where she goes through lists and lists of movies and movie stars and hang around reading message boards, often stalking rather than actually contributing. She also went on a voting spree and went ahead and voted for all her favourite pictures. She doesn't give a damn voting for lousy films though, but that's cos she doesn't give a damn reading about lousy films. The wonders of this site is that from one page, she can click on links and be directed to more and more pages and she can just go on reading about films for the whole day.

Wikipedia, the really trashy site with whole lot of useless information. Another thing absolutely wonderful is that this site is just like the above site which she can just click one links and go on reading about a hell lot of interesting titbits which are totally usless.

Okay, give it some credit, it answered one of Joan's deepest curiosity. Once when Joan was in the library wasting time, she picked up a book from the reference section titled Who's Who in Nazi Germany, and she spotted a very very familar name Helmuth von Moltke. History students would be very familiar with this name cos Joan knows two Helmuth von Moltkes throughout her study of history. So there she went thinking, does this guy have any relation to the two guys she knows, or is that guy one of the two guys she knows. Hence one very fine day, she decided to Wikipedia it and lo and behold, she arrived at this page, if you click on the above name, you would be at that page, and there she sees, clearly, there are THREE Helmuth von Moltkes. One is known as the elder, one the younger, and the other, not known as anything, but by his name. Okay, things aren't that complicated if you'd kno their second and third names, but who in the world would actually be able to do that? diaoz...

Then also because of TV addiction, Joan also scouted the web for all sorts of TV related websites, which so happened to end up in the category of Reality TV which sounds quite sad, but we must understand that Joan is a big Amazing Race and Survivor fan!

Amazing Race 8 Family EditionShe did a write about about it some time ago in her blog, if you want you can read it here. She now totally hates the Weavers and misses Carissa badly. She heard that the Linz would win, she's fine with that as long as it isn't the Weavers.

And there's also her favourite Survivor 11: Guatamala the Mayan Empire which she's addicted onto. Gary has all along been her favourite and she hopes Gary would win. She thinks Stephenie's a prick this season and would wish her out as soon as possible. She thinks Judd's an ass, but he's basically okay cos he's an ass. She thinks Lydia's totally stupid and useless and hopes she kena booted as soon as possible. She thinks Cindy's chio and kicks ass but she's too under the radar. She thinks Danni's chio and kicks ass too, but she's horribly skinny. She thinks Gary and Danni lost the most weight throughout this whole season. She thinks Rafe's a nice guy but lacks attraction. She thinks that's about all those who's left. If you want, she can also go on about those who've been voted out, like she thinks Jamie's paranoia is causing him to become mental, and Bobby Jon's just damn suay... blah...

The whole point about these reality tv is that that day after watching that Richard Branson's reality tv programme, she found out this über cool website. Reality TV WorldThere are not only message boards which she can sit down there and read and read the whole day, but there's also episode summaries and discussions which she can also read and read the whole day. By the way, from the Richard Branson show, she've learnt quite a bit of things for when she goes out to work.1. Be nice to everyone, you won't know who they really are, or whether you might one day need their help.2. Don't say everything out loud, be sure to keep the sucky comments to yourself and not irritate everyone.3. Substance matters, a lot.4. When you are at work, work, and not be distraced, always get the work done first.5. Takes risks, but don't play with your life or anything thing not worth the risk.6. Be smart, and stay smart, don't be afraid of making smart comments.7. Don't act nice, it's damn fake.8. Sex sells, use your charm, if you have it, if you don't, use other people's charm.9. Make decisions yourself, advices from other people might come with their own agenda, you never know if they truly want to help you.10. A lot of things also depends on fate, what is yours is yours, what is not yours will never be yours.TV is good. hehehe~

She also have been reading a lot of blogs and a lot of football news. And she's even trying to read German football news so she's getting pretty up to date in what's going on in the Bundesliga.

With her liking to read that much, she should be reading Lyon's World War II or Nietzsche, ot Plato, or Machiavelli, or any of her readings rather than all those useless sites. hai...

She's also on a nocturnal lifestyle inwhich she only sleeps after the sun has risen and wakes up to a bloody headache sometime in the afternoon. And another problem of being online in those ungodly hours is that she also ends up chatting a lot. With like minded nocturnals. She's wondering if she should name names or give links or should she just let her friends remain anonymous. Blah... The anons should know who they are...

That guy who likes to complain he is poor and hungry.That guy who likes to suan her about Chelsea.That guy who always falls sleepy when she messages him. WTF la... She waits online for you the whole day and let you do your work in peace half the night and when she message you can't you just say hi to her meh, need to say you sleepy then say bye. kaoz... she bets if she don't message you you won't feel sleepy right? hmph...The two guys who accompanies her every afternoon cos they are bored with work.

hmm... How come like all guys one ah? She thinks maybe guys are more boliao ba...

One more thing Joan would like to say before she goes back to wondering if Hitler could have won the Second World War, or how did Stalin manage to fend off Hitler, or the amazing naval battles between the Japanese and the Americans, Joan would like to say thank you to a special someone.

When Joan felt bad, this person was there to be with her, maybe not say cheer her up ba, but was there for her, she finds this very very comforting. This brings her back to think about the good old days, when everything was just still budding. She knows that deep down, under your cold and heartless surface, is a kind and sweet person. Sometimes she really wonders what is it about you that she still calls you friend because of all your callousness, but then you came back and proved to her that you are indeed the sweet person that made her want to know you better. She knows this feeling isn't what you wanted her to feel, but really, she thinks that you should stop hiding under your cover and just be yourself, either way, you can't really hide yourself up that much, so really, why bother?

And she was supposed to be writing about her exams. hai... heck la...

PS: Noticed today this entry is written entirely in third person? Okay, maybe not entirely cos she did address some people, almost entirely in third person with some falling into second person, but totally clear of first person. Maybe this is a mood ba... Joan usually uses third person when she's feeling very miniscule. Think maybe it's the exams ba... hai... And you know who you are...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I don't know why I can't fall asleep. I'm tired, but when I lie back on my pillow, I just feel wide awake. Nothing's really bothering me at the moment, so it's pretty weird why I still can't sleep.

Maybe it's because I read too many blogs already. I read through three blogs today. Read as in not check for updates, but read through the whole blog from the first entry to the last. Read through every comment posted by their friends in the comments box. I went through everything. One is a friend of mine. A relatively new friend made, the other is a link the friend gave me on hearing that I went through the whole blog. The third is a link on my friend's blog.

I don't usually stalk people, but I do like reading. Yes, I'm that girl who actually finished reading LKY's both thick memoirs. Those blogs are relatively easy to read, and definitely nowhere as long as my blog, so it wasn't really that bad. Anyway, the blog readings provoked much thought in me, so here I am, sitting, thinking, and typing off in my lappie.

Another thing happened today. For the third day in a row, I chatted with a friend whom I have not met for a very long time. Everything seems so nice and easy, yet so distant. Just a feeling I got.

Another thing that happened was I quarrelled with someone who I always have conflicts with, and we made up later in the night. The making up wasn't a fair making up, but me giving in to every whim and whine of my friend. I'm always on the losing end. But I've accepted it.

I guess I'll be studying, and maybe hopefully catch a couple of winks later. I'll see...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

People keep diaries to remind them of the past, to store memories of the past. But is it? I remember when I first started keeping a diary, I recorded down every single crush I had, and things that happened in school. If I retrieve that diary out to read now, I'd cringe, so why don't I just throw that diary away, since I know that I won't read it? I don't know...

Then instead of diaries, I started keeping jotter books, and jotted down random thoughts. It could be about people, things, places I met, dreams I had, sudden song, story or whatever creative writing inspiration. I kept it colourful. Once in a while, I'd take it out and read it over and over again. Mostly I'd read about my creative writings, not much about the random thoughts. What are random thoughts to me and how would they affect me? I don't know...

Then I started blogging. Everything went into the blog, but the thing is that you can't carry the laptop anywhere, or have internet connection everywhere so some little little bits of thoughts might be because of mafan and not be blogged down. Then another thing surfaced, how true can your blogging be? Who reads your blog? I'm a very straightforward person, I'm open, but still, I can't be that totally open on a public blog, with possibly anyone seeing it.

Then during my lowest time, I created a blog just for my rough patched, in my MSN space, no links given, that site's dead. I wrote everything about my rough patch in there, but still the same problem occurred. How much you dare write down? How much about you you dare let people know? Names have to be hidden, identities have to be kept secret, how much can I write down? I struggle to find myself, to write down my thoughts and everything. Just to write them down. I have no wish to read it or be reminded of things, but I still write, to vent everything out. Even in my blog, I write. One can really know lots about me if one actually reads everything I write, but being the usual short attention span people, no one would actually go through all my writings. I just write too much...

Last night, or early this morning rather I compiled some of my most private, most secret diary writings and gave it to someone to read. The dates in the dairy was from July, everything about July.

July was the worst time of my life. Especially if contrast that to of June, when I was in bliss land, without troubles, without anything. July was hell. The rough patch set in. There wasn't school or anything to keep my mind away from thoughts. There was someone who stood by my side though, but he was a mistake. It pains for me to think that he could only be there then, and now, things are different. Maybe it wasn't by choice, but more so by circumstances, or maybe it was a choice, a mutual unsaid choice, that we should not talk to each other again, lest I become more and more dependent on him.

Sometimes, in life what people need is support and not cruel remarks on how it is you who hold the key in your life. I know I live for myself, but life is not just about you alone. People do care about others. Care about how others see yourself, care about how you want others see yourself, care about how you want others to care for you especially if you caare for them to. Maybe I'm a more emotive person, I want people to be emotive towards me too, to see how I perceive things, that's why I expect a lot from my friends. Reaping of seeds sown. Deep down, I know this caan never be true. There'll always be cold and heartless and tactless people out there.

Back to my diary. It's now in the hands of someone else. I don't know if what I've written would affect anybody anot, but it does affects me. I surprise myself sometimes at how much I can trust others, maybe that's why I get hurt so often. I hope the reader of my diary will treasure it, since that was the very rough patch which made me write the dairy.

Still of the past, I spent the whole of today reading through someone's blog. I read every single entry, and every single comment left by friends. I read though all the subset blogs that came along with the blog, and I grew up as with time. I've aged a lot reading the blog, almost as if I passed through months just by reading. It's a past, just not my past. Everyone has pasts, we just need to get out of it and move into the present.

But it's not easy going to the present without any support.

Of the present.

In the present, one faces the cold harsh reality of the world where people live for themselves, who really would stop to give you a hand in need. I thought I found a hand which could help me, but that very hand which helped me up slapped me hard in the face. Since then, I kept everything to myself. I stopped blogging about my rough patch, not because it is over, but because I know it's of no use for other people to read it. I need to live my life alone. It's a very harsh reality, but that is life. Life is filled with selfish people.

I once said this to a friend, there are two kinds of friends, one are friends whom you cannot disappoint, the other are friends whom you can negotiate, but I'd like to further describe that. There is one group of friends whom you care more about, and the other group, you know they care about you. It's always a matter of you likes who more. An being that emotive girl, I always am the one giving. I know I cannot complain about this, since it was me who wanted to give in the first place, but really, do I mind? Of course. I'm not happy but I cannot complain...

I once put this up in my MSN nick, "don't tell me to take care". Why? Because those who tell you to take care aren't really concerned about you. People grew up to certain moral values and codes, when someone is down, we feel obliged to tell that person to take care of themselves, so by saying "take care", we feel released from that responsibility of a friend. "I've told him to take care already, but if he doesn't want to take care of himself it's not my fault." That's a very common excuse we give ourselves. Yes, I do that too sometimes, to people whom I don't really care that much. Not to people whom I don't care, but not as much as people whom I go out and physically do something to help a person.

If you really want to help a person, words are useless. It is actions which help people. Or maybe not actions, if that's physically not possible, but be more specific, like wishing me well, praying to whatever god for me, or just by tell me you hope me well, or giving me specific orders on what I should do to take care of myself. Obviously I would know that I should take care of myself. I'm living for myself and not for you. I'd want to take care of myself so why bother you to remind me of that. I'm not being ungrateful here, I'm just being skeptical of people's motives.

Of the future.

I had an online heated exchange with someone today. It hit me really bad. Usually I'm the kind of person who accepts things as it come, but when I get really upset, I can be an extremist. People don't agree with my views, it's okay, but being an insensitive prick, is another matter after all. It's a pity that said person still doesn't notice the insensitivities.

In life, we have our biasness and we discriminate against certain groups of people, it is normal. I too discriminated actively against certain groups of people. But sometimes, although you don't discriminate against certain groups of people, that group of people might feel discriminated against. Humans are sensitive creatures. Wait... I must correct that line, humans can be senstive creatures, especially the groups of people whom are socally stigmatised. Yet again, humans can be insensitive creatures, by not knowing they unwittingly stigmatised another group of people. In such a case what would happen? The stigmatised group would hold a grudge against the poor ignorant person who lives seemingly in bliss, and when things happen, whose fault is it? I don't know...

Maybe I've watched too much TV dramas or movies featuring psychopaths. Where an innocent tactless person unknowingly said something which offended the psychopath. The psychopath held a grudge, and started going on a killing spree, serial killing all people who reminded him of the person who offended him. Think long ago, the then TCS did a homocide drama, Fayi Gushi. The psychopath serial killed women who wore fishnet stockings, started from the person who offended him in the first place. I'm not discriminating the psychopaths, but having that mental condition, they are sensitive people who can only pick up things they don't want to hear.

People say things loosely, I too say things loosely too and offend people freely, but what is important is that we understand and try to be more sensitive people after that. Or am I the only one who actually care about such things? Life moves very fast nowadays, maybe this gives people a reason not to care.

People who need help would need extra considerations, if not they wouldn't need help in the first place. It's okay if you don't want to help, cos everyone can help himself, but really, why still give a push when you don't want to give a hand? Why can't you just not do anything?

Maybe I'm too sensitive, so I can't see the world from an insensitive point of view.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I was clearing the photos from my handphone, uploading them into my computer, and also going through some old photos. The past seems to be coming back to me all at once... Here's sharing some photos, and my current thoughts about them...

This was when I first got a manicure done, quite some time ago. After I did my first manicure, I acted more than like a taitai. I was playing mahjong with a couple of friends and I didn't dare to shuffle the tiles cos I was afraid I'd chip my nails. Of course, after a couple more manicures, I don't really care that much about my nails liao.

It's a piece of artwork along the underpass leading towards Esplanade. Apparently a couple of days after this picture was taken, a couple of the pieces were stolen. The artist put up a notice stating that the art pieces were cursed and kindly requested them to be returned so that the curse could be reversed. Interesting...

The gender of mice. IR mice are females cos they menstruate while conventional mice are males cos they have balls. Or as someone put it, ahguas, cos they only have one ball.

I like cutes babies. I always tell my guy friends that if I wasn't a student, I'd really want to have a baby, right now. Blah... People haven't even have sex before want think baby. Seriously, I have debated about this issue with many people many times, but I still think what I think. If I have sex, that's cos I'm ready to have a baby, married or otherwise. Yea... And I don't believe in condoms. I don't know if this would be my mindset for life, but I can say, at this very moment, or at least for the next couple of years, this is how I think.

This was a stuff toy a friend gave me on my birthday. It now lies on my sister's bed. I'm not in contact with that friend anymore. It's quirky how things change. Once friends could be that close, but now, hai... He his handphone and all contacts in it. He messaged me online a couple of times asking for my number. I told him, "well, if it's fated that this is so, then so be it". I didn't give him my number. Why? I don't know...

Compare the fate of Dangles to that of Nicky. I never hugged Dangles to sleep before, yet now every night I have to have Nicky in my arms, even as I'm typing this, Nicky is by my side. I'm never a big fan of stuff toys. Every year, I seal a couple of them in plastic bags and throw them in a drawer with other plastic wrapped bears and whatnots, but Nicky lies with me... Why? I don't know...

Jinsen. I miss the days rehearsing for Oriental Suite. We have another performance up, but I decided against acting, I chose to do light designing instead. Why? I'm too tired. I want to have more time to myself, just as what Nicky's master said. Maybe it's a better thing.

This was taken in 2004 Dec. It's evidence that time is really harsh on some people. Those were the days when he was still very shuai. And those were the days when we didn't know each other that well. Sometimes knowing a person too well is not really a good thing. I think the more he got to know me the more strained our relationship is. Now we aren't even on speaking terms. hai... Another example of saddening change...

A very nicely taken photo of myself. It was a self taken shot, when I was still young and innocent. And this photo attracted a lot of attention for me and changed my life totally. It was the seed of my rough patches. Night has it that my emotions run really wild. Miss all of you guys...

I like this picture. I miss those days working with Laoban. Another milestone in my self taking photos. One might think that we were in Antartica or something dressed like that...

This was taken in a dressing room. In the end, I bought that dress, but until now, I yet have the chance to wear it. Another saddening change of times and people and relationship marks this picture. The friend I went with on that shopping trip, we've stopped contacting each other liao. Don't know why also...

I met Fann Wong while having dinner at Serangoon Gardens with my sister. We both took a photo with her, she was very nice about it. She's damn skinny. She don't seem that tall, maybe cos she was wearing flats, or maybe cos she was just darn skinny. Filming for Beautiful Illusions. I felt so fat beside her, and I was damn skinny at that time...

I was studying in school, lonely and hungry when my aunt brought me my favourite food. Kong Bak Pau and Roast Chicken which my mum left for me after they had family dinner. Nice~

The Yang Family. For our TS1101E. hai... Not in contact with any of them other than the girls from my clique...

This is what I always eat when nobody's at home. I eat this like once fortnightly... Not a very healthy diet, not just in terms of the food but also in terms of the lifestyle. I'm still not a Mac Delivery person, just a Pizzahut one...

My favourite dessert. Once my dad went to buy that for me just cos I got cravings. And after I complained to a couple of guy friends whom al did not bother anything about it. My daddie is my man sia...

Have I said I missed those times working with Laoban?

Studying in Starbucks Siglap. Will be heading there sometime soon again. Exam period again.

Behind the smiles were tears. A very ugly photo of us, pimple breakout and eye bags, but I still put it up, why? It's a milestone for all of us. This picture was taken during out ahma's wake. hai...

hai... Don't even get to see much of them even though we are in the same school same faculty. Rozie is even doing the same major as me.

This was taken in Cineleisure, pasted on their lifts. hehehe... Me like Takeshi~ He's so shuai~

Was I here?In relation to the I was here outside the Esplande. Yup... This was together with the Astroboy art pieces.

He was my SP in Union Camp. Now, don't know where he is liao. Also don't know where are all my Union Camp mates are too anyway... hai... Think I've been hai-ing quite a bit liao le... Must be the night...

Just thought this look very nice architectually, and as a photo, also very nice...

Wo bist du? I like to ask that question when I don't get to see the said person. but I know, it's at nowhere. Not there. Left me all behind. Staring at the empty seat. Waiting... Waiting... And waiting... Waiting for? Ich weiß nicht.

I like men like Wubai. Mature, talented, a bit broody, nice hoarse manly voice. I once had a guy sing an Wubai song to me. In the manly voice... hai... Those were the days... Right now, I can only have CDs to listen to. And it doesn't help that he's married liao le... How I wish it was me whom he married.

Zhangting left us liao le. Need I say anything more?

Pedicure, to go with my manicure~

Imagine if your office window is that scene, won't you want to go to work every day? Damn... I'm so jealous of you Terrence! Not only as an intern you get your own office, you get an office bigger than my hostel room, and you get that to die for scene in your office window... Not fair~ That's a scene from The European Commission in Singapore. So nice those angmos...

That's me beaming like an idiot in front of the plate of the EC. hehehe... Just to prove that I was there.

Bizad's Western. wahaha~ Makes me feel so hungry just by looking at it. And comparatively, it's so so so cheap eating in the school canteen.

I was with my sister celebrating her birthday by making the both of us fat. We sat down inside hagen daz. We ordered. I counted my pennies, it was my treat definitely. Then my sister reminded me that I have a $10 voucher. hehehe~

I like Esplanade~ It's always so pretty to take photos of. I like blue. The colour of my club. I like water. The element of me.

Someone in my class carries the same waterbottle as me, just that it is of a different colour. Aren't the bottles just so cute standing side by side? Qoo is cute~ Me is cute~ wahaha~

I realise, over a dozen pictures in my current folder, as in the latest photos, are of my in bruises. Or rather, of my bruises. Think I've like 50 photos of different bruises. bleahz... I feel so tired now... Emotionally drained... Good night~

Saturday, November 12, 2005

For the whole week, and still going strong, I've been sick (meaning 1a) and in a great deal of pain (meanings 1 and 2). In chronological order when I've been inflicted with it, I shall further describe in greater detail each of my sicknesses and pain, and unless I state otherwise, I'm still suffering from that horrible pain or sickness.

1. Rashes.Last Tuesday I was at Sentosa. There is this part of the beach where there's a floating bridge across to a little islet, not the suspension bridge one. I was at that islet and decided to swim across over to the mainland. After I got across, I turned and tried to swim back to the islet to my friend, but I couldn't, I was swept off course towards the bridge by the current. Near the bridge, I felt something swept by my thigh and pricking it. Feeling some pain and the currents still going strong, I turned back to the mainland and walked via the bridge back to the islet. I am a good swimmer, but not a strong one, and I was swimming with contacts and didn't want to go underwater.

When I was back with my friend and could sit down and slowly admire the artwork created on my thigh, I spotted some cuts on my right knee and three pierce marks on my right thigh, they were bleeding. I also noticed some slight bruising on my right thigh, but it was slight and it didn't bleed so I didn't take much notice to it. That evening while I was having supper and lounging out with that said friend, I noticed a large patch of bruising my my right thigh, the part where previously I said there was some slight bruising. It itched a bit, but I still didn't take notice of it as I thought that that was just a bruise and since there was no external bleeding, it shouldn't be that serious.

After two days, I noticed that the bruises darkened and it seemed to be healing so I didn't medicate it. The cuts on my knee and the pierce marks on my thigh had dried and it was okay, so I thought it was only a matter of time for my bruises to heal. However, the next day I woke up to see the whole patch bright red, itching, and swelling, and there was two other marks on my left leg which I hadn't noticed before. Sensing that it was something other than a bruise, I went to see the doctor. The doctor suspected that it was either a sandfly bite (which I didn't think so) or I brushed past some weird plants (which sounded more like that case), gave me some medication and some cream.

The rashes are still on, it doesn't itch that much now, though it still itches a bit. This is how it looks like...

This is on my left leg. The inner side of my legs near the knee pits. Looks like little mosquite bites, but unlike mosquito bites, or sandfly bites, till today from Tuesday, it has already been 11 days. Yup... The Tuesday I meant previously was the Deepavali Tuesday hor...

This is on my right thigh. It might not look that bad, only because I'm using a lousy webcam camera and the brightness settings and image quality sucks. It takes up half my thigh and I've pretty long legs so that's quite a big patch of rash.

2. Sunburnt.As per normal, after every trip to Sentosa, I'd be back with sunbruns and after a while the redness of raw skin would turn char black and then it would start peeling. But before, the redness would render my skin feeling tight and pain and itchy. And when it peels, my skin would also feel itch and dry and my whole skin would look a bit patchy from the peeling.

This is how it vaguely looks like on my shoulder. My burns are on my upper arms, both, and my shoulders and the upper back between my shoulders and below my neck and some more just above my bikini bottom line around my waist. That's why I was wearing either dresses or loose fitting bottoms over the past couple of days.

3. Sneezing.Last weekend, on Saturday, I started sneezing very badly. At first I thought it was the after effects of sleeping in aircon wearing very little, I was sunbrunt mah... Or maybe the house was a bit dirty thanks to my mother slacking over the festive week, cos it ceased on Sunday, but it came back on Monday worse than before.

I had to go to see doctor on Monday. I wrote a little about it, among many other useless things in my previous post. I am not sneezing anymore now, but I still have a running nose.

4. Running nose.Running nose comes after you sneeze. With every sneeze, mucus would ooze out of the nose, but sometimes, very often, one can also have mucus trickling down the nose even without sneezing. Even though my sneezing stopped sometime in midweek last week, my running nose continued. Until now, my nose is still running. I think it's somewhere in Siberia already. Maybe not too long later, it can run alongside the Trans-Siberian Railway and reach Moscow. And the worst thing about running noses is that the medications for it are all drowsy, so I can only eat them at night and let me sleep without having to worry about my nose, but I have to have my tissues ready by me the whole day, in school. sucks...

5. Headaches.With all that sneezing, the blood just can't reach my head enough resulting in me having to endure splitting headaches. I once read somewhere that when you sneeze, you heart cease to beat. With my heart stop beating for that splitsecond, that also means that my heart stopped pumping blood around my body and with my other body parts, especially my head not having enough blood, wahaha... brain not working, head very pain lor...

Now my head still pain once in a while but not as bad as before. hai...

6. Fever/Flushes.I don't have fever. Oh man... Fever is like a very stigmatised word in today's vocabulary especially after the SARS thingie and with the bird flu rampaging through the world, the word fever can cause fear in people. What I have can be considered as flushes. I always get them, especially when I am sick, or going through some sort of upheaval in my life. I would feel a sudden warmth in my head and would feel warm and stuffy and giddy.

Actually, one thing about me that most doctors don't factor in but I think it's quite an important medical condition is that my normal body temperature is slighter lower than most people. Some people, especially young children, have slightly higher body temperatures, some like me, I don't know for what reason, have lower ones. I realised this when I plotted my body temperature log as imposed on by the school during the SARS period. The average temperature is about 36.9, 37 degrees, but mine is about 36.2-36.5 degrees. So it it pretty difficult to determine when I have a fever cos a temperature of 37.4 might be fever for me but not the the doctor based on the average. But at least I don't have to bear the stigma of having a fever.

7. Sore throat.The medical term for this is URTI or Upper Respiratory Tract Infection. I started off with feeling my throat very itchy, that was on Saturday. Then Sunday I was better. Lost my voice on Monday, Tuesday I rested. The throat was still sore, but got better by Thursday, then suddenly I lost my voice on Friday again cos I think Thurday was a very bad day for me. Today throat still cannot talk. hai...

8. Cough.The cough came late on Monday, slight without phlegm. Then yesterday I started coughing with phlegm. Now still coughing with phlegm. The phlegm is still green in colour and thich and horrible so I guess I won't be recovering that soon. But with my spitting out every piece of phelgm I cough out, hopefully I can finish spitting out all the phlegm I have and stop coughing soon~

9. Cramps.My period came late on Wednesday night and the whole of Thursday I was filled with pain in my lower tummy. Because I was on Paracetamol, no thanks to my headaches, I didn't dare to eat my trusted Panadol Menstrual.As a result I was overcome by a series of almost overbearing pain. These are the times I'd feel being a girl really sucks. Even though I experience these acute cramps every month since I was 11, I never got use to them, at all.

10. Bruises, Blueblacks, Abrasions, Scrapes, and whatever you call them.The most pathetic thing that can happen to a student would be to fall down in front of the whole lecture theatre. Luckily, it wasn't that bad for me. I was in the middle of the lecture theatre, during the break, when I fell, so half the class didn't see me. And cos it was a mess which I tripped over, and I wasn't that big a person, so I can say not many people noticed I fell over a couple of people's legs and bags onto the floor, flat. Only those people around me saw me fell. But I fell flat on the ground. wahaha~ And I was wearing skirt that day.

This resulted in...

One blueblack cum bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my left knee...These bleeding, now dried already, on top of a blueblack. This is the first time I've actually seen a blue black and bleeding over the same spot.

One bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my right shin...Yup... It's bleeding... And it looks much worse in real life.

One blueblack on my right knee...It's that darkened spot there, it's not a shadow cast. And far down you can see another spot, that's the bruise on the shin.

One blueblack on the inner side of my right leg between my kneepit and and my knee...It's not that clear, but it's the whole darkened patch there, not my kneepit one...Remember I still have those horrendous cuts and rashes still on my legs, hai, I have such ugly legs now... And to think that my legs was my most beautiful asset and even my cousin said she wanted them.

One bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my left forearm...It is actually much redder than it looks.

At first after I fell, which I think was partly also cause my my headaches and flushes and me not seeing clearly and also a bit giddy, I didn't feel that much pain. I got up like I was fine, told my friends that I was fine and left the lecture theatre. I was okay until after I got back and sat down and continued the lecture. While Farrell played the film and I was watching it, I felt pain in my arm and legs. Since the LT was dark, I couldn't see my injuries until much much later. When I saw them, I was shocked beyond words. I hadn't noticed it was that serious. And they haven't healed yet. Bah...

In fact, it actually worsened on Friday and I totally couldn't walk and with me cannot even talk or breathe or do anything at all, I got out my tatami mat and lay down nice and cool and rested. It might be a placebo, or it might be true, but I believe in the healing powers of a tatami mat.My trusty tatami mat~

11. Isn't ten a bit more than enough to handle liao le, do you really expect me to be that suay to have an 11th one?

I was chatting with a new friend last night. it's guy no.7 in this post. He commented a couple of thing about me. One was that he found it a bit funny that I was complaining to everybody about how pathetic I am. To put it a bit more negatively, I know some people might feel that I was trying to gain sympathy from them, just like by me devoting an entire blog entry to the subjects of my pains and illnesses, but I'm not really trying to gain sympathy. By pouring out my woes to people, is a form of release I take to ensure my sanity. If I keep everything bottled up in my mind, I'd burst. Some people don't like me. They think that I'm too straightforward, and maybe a bit overshare, that's because they are ashamed that they can't be as open about things as me, or that they are uncomfortable about hearing these overshare bits. I think that's pretty senseless. If one can not like me for that, i think that person's just a bit too shallow.

Why am I blogging about all my pains? Do I really want the whole world to know how pained am I? Do I derive pleasure from feeling these pains? The answer is I don't know, no, yes. Maybe this is a milestone in my life, being at the lowest point of my life, I need to note it down. The next time I feel low, I can read this post and remind myself that there were worse times than this and if I can pull through that, I can pull through anything else. I'm not the kind of person who gets bothered by what people think about me, so I don't really care if people care if I'm sick or dead. Maybe with the exceptions of prabably two people, whom I know are not regulars of my blog. Some little part in me wish that they might visit here some time or another to check me out and then realise that I was sick and horrid and regret that they've treated me like shit when I was already in shit. Last question, I'm sadistic, does that answer everything? To quote from a play I did this March, "Pain. Only pain can make you feel that you are living. Pain can mould you to be stronger and can let you grow up."

Another thing he noted about me was that I'm one fragile girl. It's interesting to hear what people who don't really know me that well say things about me. Am I really that fragile? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I am not that fragile since I pulled myself through this week, but I know deep inside me is my most fragile heart, the heart that has been trampled on over and over again. And the pain...

The title goes sick (meaning 1a) and pain (meanings 1 and 2). I've included meaning number two for pain, so other than physical pain, I've also felt "suffering and distress". I pulled through my week, from the past entry, I stopped halfway. I managed to pull off that late essay by going through lots of pain and tears and rushing around the school to get an MC written for me and negotiations with my prof. I've completed the other two deadlines, with the mini-project I handed in on Friday and extremely fine piece of work, as a personal thought.

And the emotional distress. It was another hard week for me. Someone went through a period of mood swings, and when that person has mood swings I am invariably affected by it and I go through a period of distress. And with the mindfucking and all the shit, I was reduced to no more than a bag of tears. And the sicknesses didn't help at all. You know there are some friends you wish they can be there when you are happy, some when you are sad, some when you are both happy and sad, but they aren't there for you. That can of pain is worse than me falling down. And when your friend is there, but doesn't offer you any words of comfort, and instead tells you that it's time to sleep, or that there's a lot of work to do, and other things to make you feel that you are just one insignificant piece of shit, life just bleeds.

I can go through all sort of stress, in fact pressure makes me a more efficient worker. I am determined to do my work well, and I can do it. I can in fact do anything, like getting my hands on a piece of authentic MC, just to get through in life, but when face with emotions of the heart, I just one big mess of tears. I'm stupid, I'm silly, I'm ignorant, I'm foolish, I'm everything negative. I go great lengths just so that I will be upset and disappointed and get totally fucked up. Why? I don't know...

This is turning into one emo post and I don't wish for it to be so. If anyone's still reading till here, well, be thankful that your life is so much better. I've scheduled an appointment with the psychiatrist liao. Oh well...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

I realised I've been using "fuck" quite a lot lately. This is no good, but at least I'm not starting on my whole hokkien vocabulary, if not then I'm really a goner. wahaha~ Why have I been in such a temper lately? Fucking project deadlines and essay deadlines and other whatnots. I've an essay deadline and I've got a grand total of 84 out of 2500 words done. I'm so fucking screwed.

This is a fucking tiny picture of the film I'm supposed to write about for that screwed essay.It's fucking tiny cos the bloody IMDb website disallows me to download the nice big posters which feature the movie at that point in history, the fuckingly beautiful posters of the 1960s, all cannot download. What the heck sia...

(seems, like other than "fuck", I'm also cursing a lot. Damn...)

I watched the fucking DVD three times in the cooped little hole in our library. I watched the first time half heartedly, I watched the second time with pen in hand, remote in the other to pause and copy down lines from the film. I couldn't finish the fucking film in a sitting and had to go back the second time to finish watching it. There is now this big big loophole in our system. Apparently, a film 90min long can be loaned out for 4hours but a film 204min long can also be loaned our for 4hours. It doesn't make sense does it? blah... The fucking school is just so fucked up that even it's system is just as screwed as itself.

This the DVD that I watched.Really, even the design of the DVD is just so screwed man. I mean who would plaster the pathetic title of the film over the pathetic face of the lead?

I realised I haven't even introduced this film proper and I'm on ranting about all the patheticities of life, yea... I feel so fucked up over nothing. It's pms! I can push all the blame to me having a serious bout of pms! Yea... In no time at all I'd literally be having a bloody cunt sia. Maybe if I get heavy, I'd even have a bloody asshole.

Okay, let me get back to the main topic and be less graphic. For all I know some lurkers out there might even be the ones grading my essays. Don't know about this particular essay though, but it's safer for me to tone down. To the other lurkers out there, Joan is basically a sweet little girl who doesn't swear that much when she's not having a pms. And with Joan, you can pretty much get away with rape and murder if she's not having pms. Yes, I'm that nice, usually... Okay, for the second time, let me get back to the main topic.

This film is based on a novel of the same name. You can find the plot to the story of the film in the first link and the plot to the novel in the second one. The first is from IMDb and the second one is the all ever useful shitty webbie. The more I surf the two webbies the more I'm in love with the former and the more i despise the latter. Blah... I don't even feel like tagging the webbie of the latter on cos it just induces you lurkers to click on it. If I don't see it's usefulness why bother tagging it for you lurkers to go? I feel so cutting...

I once saw this postcard for this product...It says some thing like "Oh you fucking asshole" then in small print "I don't mean it" on this teeshirt worn by this girl. Well, Panadol Menstrual is good for me by alleviating my cramps, but I'm now not bleeding yet so it's not use me taking that. And I'm fucking on Paracetamol now. Yes, I'm sick. Caught the bloody flu bug, so the temper is doubled. I don't even want to go into me waiting a freaking 50min just to see a doctor in school while my friend waited for only 20min before she went in before me to see a doctor. Like what the heck? I was the 20min before her okay... It's not fair! Then again, life never is fair. If it was, I'd be having a better temper and not be ranting the whole night here.

I had a bad day. Not exactly bad bad, but it's not good. I was supposed to be writing my essay the whole day today, but I procrastinated and because someone held me up and mindfucked me till I totally couldn't work. I hate being mindfucked. Usually it's me being the one who mindfuck people, so when the tables turn, life just sucks badly for me. The deadline of my essay is like soon, I'll have to stay up late tonight and piah the whole of tomorrow. damn...

And on top of all my worries, I'm having some infection on my thigh due to that day in Sentosa. I feel so sick.

To make myself feel better me shall be a photowhore and plaster some of my favourite pictures here. All these have some time or another been used as my MSN display pic and those who know me, seen me on MSN should know that I pride myself in putting up only me like photos as my MSN display pic. (Note: Now's it's Nicky on my MSN though...)

The reason I took these photos out again is cos I recently acquired Photoshop from a dear friend of mine and I've been trying to photoshop these pictures but sad to say, I've failed terribly.

I'm trying to colour this photo, but I can't seem to get the hang of it. It's takes a close eye and a steady hand and a keen eye for colour. If anyone can help me colour this photo, I'll fall in love with you. Love is the only thing I have lots of, don't know what more I can offer liao le.

This was taken in negative mode, I reversed the negative effect and got the colour photo but the colour version is not as nice as this version. I like this photo, very artistically done up. The colours just matched nicely and the venue of the photoshot was perfect. Anyone want to guess this venue? hehehe...

Another almost perfect picture. I have been trying to remove my stupid laoban from the picture, but can't seem to do so without making the whole photo seem so fake. Any ideas? Okay, I've nothing against my laoban just that in this so beautiful picture of me, he is so extra. wahaha~

Okay, I need to start on my fucking animal essay liao le... I need to sleep early tonight and hopefully faster recover and my stress marks on my face and hair and around the waist would disappear.

PS: Damn... I forgot to close one of my tags, and need to republish this thing again. bleahz...PPS: The fucking deadline was yesterday as I've check, so I'm late in submitting this paper. Now this sucks. Honestly, this is a honest mistake! I've just emailed my prof, so help me cross fingers and hopefully I won't die.

die xxoos der joan

xxoos otherwise known as jal4eva, or more commonly to her friends Joan Ang. xxoos is always in small casings as it means kisses and hugs, or what she'd like it to mean, hugs and kisses and a tongue. die xxoos der joan just means the hugs and kisses of joan.