The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

January 10, 2000

The Crystal Ball has finally ended! Gee, that only took a week and
a half! I do love the Ball, but drags out way too long. I realize though,
that this year was a little longer than usual because they had to have the
Anniversary Show on January 5 around it. There were a lot of loose ends
so let's pick up where we left off last week. Which is David falling down
the stairs after Alex pushed him like he was a feather. Alex stands at the
top of the stairs muttering about how she killed David while Joe comes racing
into the room, medical bag in tow. Good thing he brought it with him to
the Ball. David's OK, he just dislocated his shoulder. But then weird things
happen. Edmund clearly heard Alex say, "Oh my God, I've killed David"
while she was still at the top of the stairs, but when Erica accuses Alex
of pushing David, Edmund says he fell and is backed up by big buttinski
Rae. Why would they cover for Alex when she clearly wasn't trying to cover
for herself?? And then, even worse... Alex tells everyone that David was
coming after her, and David himself covers for her by saying he fell! What
is up with this? Alex blames David, David blames himself? Has everyone gone
insane? Well, no... not everyone. Just Suddenly Psycho Alex. And here's
a shocker, Erica is actually the voice of reason! She wants the police called,
want's Suddenly Psycho arrested and wants David to get a restraining order.
That can't happen now that David said he fell.

Once alone, Suddenly Psycho tells Edmund she did push David. And David
tells Erica that SP did push him. Edmund fluffs it off like pushing someone
down a flight of stairs is no big deal. There he goes again, coddling wackos.
I hate that! Meanwhile David explains to Erica that he would rather find
out what Alex's problem is himself, without bringing the police into it
and that he is going to make her pay for what she did to him. Erica is all
for that. So while David and Erica discuss the Psycho, she herself heads
over to the mausoleum to make out with Dimitri's headstone.

My problems with this storyline? I never liked the character of Alex
unless she was in scenes with Dimitri. I don't think she adds anything to
the show, in fact she makes smart characters look like they are idiots.
I don't see one ounce of chemistry between her and Edmund. How can this
storyline be improved? Dump Alex and bring back Dimitri.

At the stroke of midnight, "Stuart" moved in to kiss Liza
and after having "Stuart's" tongue down her throat for five minutes,
Liza finally shakes the marbles out of her head and mutters... "Adam,
is that you?" Adam continues his Stuart charade, but thankfully Liza
isn't buying it, but she pretends she does. When she spots Marian and the
real Stuart, she tells them Adam is there and they need to get Stuart out
there ASAP. Marian tries to get Stuart to leave quickly and tells him to
take a cab home. But Stuart insists that Adam never takes cabs and it would
look suspicious. In a potential LINE OF THE WEEK,
Marian says to Stuart... "well then, look insulted when the cab picks
you up." And while all this is going on, TempBarry, who I think might
now actually be NuBarry, gives Jake Adam's letter telling him about Colby's
paternity.

"Stuart" offers to take Liza to the airport, and, knowing
it's really Adam, Liza agrees. She plays up to him that she still loves
Adam and hopes to get past their problems. Thinking Liza must be the dumbest
woman on the planet, Adam finally comes clean that he's Adam, not Stuart
and begins his quest to win her back. Liza continues to pretend she wants
to work things out so that she can get out of Pine Valley without Adam.
Adam tells Liza that he had Barry give Jake a letter telling him about Colby.
In another potential LINE OF THE WEEK, when
Liza tells Adam that Jake will be devastated he replies with, "He's
a Martin, he'll be fine. His mother will bake him an apple pie and he'll
shoot some hoops." Liza sends Adam into the bathroom to draw her a
bath and she calls Marian to tell her to GET THAT LETTER. Marian is a little
confused as to how to accomplish that, but then enlists Gillian's help.
Gillian gets the unread letter out of Jake's pocket, no problem and then
gives it to Marian. Marian then races back to Chandler Mansion with the
letter.

Liza, in the meantime, has hidden Adam's passport and gotten everything
together to leave without Adam. When Marian arrives with the letter, Liza
puts a little note on it for Adam, "If you tell Jake the truth, you
will never see me and Colby again." Adam is not pleased that he's been
duped and tries to run after Liza. Oops, he's got no passport and Marian
doesn't know where she went.

My problems with this storyline? It's dragging out way too long. Liza
has been made to look like a total imbecile and she's not one. Adam is still
totally oblivious to just how wrong what he did is. How can this story be
improved? Hmm, not sure about that other than make that divorce between
Adam and Liza final! There is no way she should be able to forgive him for
what he did. He did it for love? My ass! He did it for himself, like always.

Jake has asked Gilly to marry him. She's excited, but wants to talk
to Dimitri about it first so she heads over to the mausoleum. Ryan has noticed
Jake and Gillian's closeness all night and is not liking it much. He may
have actually even overheard the proposal, but I'm not positive about that.
Tramplee is there and wanting to get in his pants so why not. They head
over to the mausoleum for a tryst. Of course Gilly walks in on them. Ryan
is mortified, Gillian is disgusted, and Tramplee tries to show more skin
by pulling her fur cape back farther after she sees Gilly. Gilly runs off,
directly to Jake and says yes with a half-hearted, "I love you."
They decide to not go public with the engagement just yet. Meanwhile, a
dejected Tramplee spots Becca having a good time in dress she made herself
from that spare 80 yards of yellow taffeta she had sitting around so she
challenges Leo to deflower Becca in a very "Cruel Intentions"
type scenario.

My problems with this storyline? While I love Ryan and Gillian and
hope they will eventually get back together, I hate how immature both seem
at times. They both have this thing where, if they see the other with someone
else, they throw themselves at the next available body. It's so dumb! Gillian
sees Ryan with Tramplee so she runs to Jake. Ryan sees Gillian with Jake
so he runs to Tramplee. What is up with that? How can it be improved? Get
Ryan and Gillian back together and give them some real adult conflict...
illness, career entanglements, fertility issues. Anything but infidelity!!

Tina sees that Mateo and Hayley are about to kiss and interrupts them.
But only briefly. As she's about to butt in again, Adrian grabs her and
plants a kiss on her himself. I'm about to be ill. And then my stomach lurches
even further when Hayley, who's hair is shellacked into that Pebbles "do,"
and Mateo do finally meet up and kiss. It looks like they are trying to
swallow each other whole! YUK!

My problems with this storyline? Where do I begin!!?? First and foremost
put Mateo and Hayley on the backburner already! They make me sick! And Adrian
and Tina? Spare me please. This girl is not half the woman that Belinda
is. How could Adrian even give her a second glance let alone actually be
interested in her. How can it be improved? Let Mateo and Hayley be happy
for five minutes so I don't have to look at them! Ditch Tina, fast! And
bring Belinda back even faster!!

We interrupt this Editorial to bring you a little bit on AMC's 30th
Anniversary Special. First of all I give the whole show this weeks SCENE OF THE WEEK. The premise of the show has everyone
who is still at the Crystal Ball place their ornaments on the tree of life?
tree of humanity? Whatever it was. So, while they do this, most are reminiscing
about the past. The past meaning the days when AMC was actually good. There
were some really great flashbacks, and not all were happy ones, which I
thought was great. We got to see Ryan talking Gillian into marrying him,
a bit of Edmund and Maria's wedding, Palmer and Opal's engagement, Tad proposing
to Dixie in the chicken suit and clips from all three of Tad and Dixie's
weddings. In addition we got to see quick glances of Jenny & Greg, Noah
& Julia, Angie & Jesse, Kelsey & Kevin, Phoebe & Langley,
Charles & Mona, and Cliff and Nina. Some of my favorite things they
showed were Palmer thinking about Daisy. She truly was the love of his life.
I loved her and would love to see her back on the show. Erica and Dimitri
in Budapest. These two are true soap royalty that can never be matched in
my opinion. A black haired and spunky Hayley... what happened to that girl?
A nice glimpse of Stuart and Cindy and a scene with Grandma Kate. There
was some great stuff with Erica and Mona. Heck Mona even gives a potential
LINE OF THE WEEK when she said to Erica, "You
know something, Erica? With a daughter like you, I don't need to watch soap
operas. I live in one!" And my favorite scene to see... the Tad, Marian
and Liza triangle.

We also got to see some not so happy scenes... Tom telling Brooke
about their daughter Laura's death, Maria "dying" in the plane
crash, Adam thinking back to the sperm switch and his seduction of Dixie
to get a child.

It was nice to see them cart out Ruth for the occasion and I have
to admit, I did well up a few times. I would have liked to see some flashbacks
of Arlene (who I loved), Belinda, especially the scene where Adrian did
a striptease for her, Noah and Julia in Jamaica instead of Hayley and Mateo
in Jamaica, and so much more. But I realize they only had an hour, so I'm
content with what they did show.

CHEESIEST SCENE OF THE WEEK - Mateo and
Hayley, both on cloud nine after a big sloppy kiss, going home to separate
houses, looking out their windows and saying good night to each other. Oh
geez, I swear one of these days I really will hurl!

The next day, the Crystal Ball is finally over, but Erica wakes up
with the glossy lips and dark eye shadow she had been wearing the night
before. David is there and he explains to her exactly what happened... how
strange Alex was behaving, how she seemed to see someone else when she pushed
him. Erica can relate, after all, she did stab Dimitri thinking he was Richard
Fields. But she doesn't seem ready to admit to being able to relate to Psycho.
Either that or the writers have conveniently forgotten about it. David makes
it clear that he wants to get back at Psycho on his own, but of course,
Erica doesn't listen and starts her own investigation into Psycho's past.

Psycho meets Rae, who by the way is wearing a turtleneck...surprise,
at BJ's. Rae thinks Psycho wants Rae's help, but really Psycho just wanted
to thank her for her concern. Thank her? She should tell Rae to mind her
own dang business! Psycho gets flustered and ends up running out and back
to Wildwind. Of course, David is on his way back there too, to pick up the
watch he lost. They have a confrontation and Psycho says the only line I
think she knows how to say to David, "are you following me?" Oh
that, and her other one is, "why don't you just leave me alone."
Psycho tells David he should resign, which is a joke after she told him
they would run the foundation together. Of course David doesn't agree anyway.
Suddenly the Psycho freaks out again, sees some old guy in place of David
and calls him Geoffrey and runs off.

Over at Tad's house, Junior comes home with an adorable puppy that
he wants to keep. He let's it slip that the puppy will give Dixie something
to take care of. Dixie gets a little sad, but seems to have come to terms
with not having a child. Enter Rae. She comes over like she is shot out
of cannon and wants Tad to do a story about black market babies. She's so
possessed by this idea that I have to wonder if it's her story. Did she
have a child stolen from her who was then sold on the black market? Tad
is hesitant about doing the story, but Dixie talks him into it. Where is
this going to lead? It's anyone's guess right now, but I think Dixie may
want to try and get a child this way.

Trevor is finally getting suspicious of Janet's behavior and voices
his concerns to Brooke. But while he's having some pancakes at BJ's and
discussing how strange his wife has been acting, Sophie has come into his
house, knocked out his wife and tied her to a chair. She tells Janet that
she's going to kill Trevor and Amanda with a crowbar and frame her for their
murders. Janet panics and tries to appeal to Sophie with friendship. She
tells Sophie that she was her only friend in prison and tries to get her
to untie her. She tells her how much the necklace she gave Janet meant to
her. Sophie is actually starting to soften up, that is until she sees the
necklace in the trash. Now Sophie is even more angry. Now Sophie is going
to kill Trevor and Amanda as soon as they come home and make Janet watch.

Just then, Trevor comes home. He doesn't get a chance to enter though
because Hayley stops him. She really wants to talk to him about Mateo, so
they decide to go somewhere else and never go inside. A relieved Janet tells
Sophie that she will get her a million dollars if she will spare her and
her family. Sophie then gives us the winner of this weeks LINE
OF THE WEEK, "What are you going to do? Win big with Regis?"
Just then Mirror Janet interrupts and Sophie realizes that Janet is once
again talking to the mirror. She decides to give Janet 24 hours to come
up with the million bucks and unties her. Janet tries to call Adam for the
money, but can't reach him. Instead she has an argument with Mirror Janet
and runs out. But not before Trevor can finally hear her yelling at no one!

My problems with this storyline? You name it! This whole thing rots!
Janet is coming unhinged for no good reason. The storyline is easily solvable
if she had just told Trevor the truth. Now Sophie is being killed off, Trevor
is going to take the rap and just how much longer will Janet and Amanda
be on the show after all this? Alexis Manta
(Amanda) has already been bumped to recurring status from contract. This
does not look good. The Dillon Phase Out is upon us folks! How can it be
fixed? Well... personally I don't think Janet and Trevor should have ever
gotten married in the first place, but it's way too late to fix that. So...
keep Trevor, let Janet plead self defense since that is what it is anyway,
and give them something more interesting to do. I'm all for Janet struggling
with her sanity, but I think it stinks that they had to make it a violent
and dangerous storyline. I said it before and I'll say it again... in my
opinion the best way to have done this would have been to bring Wilma back.
She was the cause of all Janet's angst. To see her try and deal with Wilma
again, while she's sane and stable would have been fantastic and a terrific
showcase for Robin Mattson's talents.

That brings us to the Mateo and Hayley Hour from Friday. Oh, I was
so sick by the end of Friday's show. Hayley whined, Mateo gets controlling
again. She wants to take it slow, he's ready to get married and have babies.
I can't even comment further on this because I really just don't care! They
get the dual I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award this
week because I'm so sick of them!!!!

Meaningless Drivel of the Week - Greenlee
taunts Becca. *yawn* Hayley wants to take things slow because, get this,
she had a dream about Arlene!

One last thing... how do you suppose they decide who does those halfway
through the show promos? I would think it would be people on contract, but
that's not the case because Rae is in one of them. From what I can tell
it's Rae, Adam, David, Erica, Liza, Hayley, Mateo, Edmund and Alex. Where
is everyone else? Why don't they get to do one? I want to see Adrian in
one of those, and Marian, and Opal, and Ryan, and Gillian etc.!

This week's AMC get a C. I would have given it an F, but the Anniversary
Show was on this week and that brought it up. Oh! And I almost forgot the
PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. Well, since no
one was a stand out, I'll give it to the cute puppy that Junior brought
home.