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Success Is Not a Thing

I've been trying to sort things out in a way I could make sense of them in a blog post. I was briefly texting back and fort with a friend recently and told him that I felt like I needed to write, as it had been awhile. I jokingly asked if he had a request of a topic. He responded with "Write about something you would consider a success of yours lately, something that made you happy." What a concept! I've been trying to think of something, ANYTHING, positive to post about for awhile now. Doing so has made me painfully more aware of how much easier it is to focus on the negative than the positive. I think I was so focused on believing that being happy or feeling successful had to relate to something concrete. Like a big accomplishment at work, or achieving a goal. Because I have been trying really hard to be fully present and in the moment when I am feeling happy or excited about something I was also having trouble pointing to something that has "made me happy" (OTHER THAN MY BEACH TRIP LAST MONTH!!!) That's when I realized that feeling happy or successful does not have to relate back to something that anyone else can even recognize. I feel like I have been working so hard on repairing my past hurts and damage and thinking patterns that I should have plenty to feel successful about. So, this is what I came up with. Four days later.

We have been living in absolute chaos for over a month due to our apartment complex residing all of the buildings and repairing decks. On May 1st-ish we had to move all of the stuff we had outside including storage cabinets, chairs, etc. inside our apartment so they could complete the demolition, reside, and eventually re paint. Now, we live in a 653 square foot place. Our deck is rather large which has been the only saving grace in our storage problem. When you live in a warm climate you can store things in totes outside year round, who knew! On top of our patio furniture we had 4 totes, 2 coolers, a storage cabinet, a storage bin, and some other random things that we don't have space for inside, out there. I have been going crazy the past few weeks. I hate clutter. I feel like we just moved in and hadn't unpacked. The most frustrating thing has been the amount of time they have drug this whole construction process out. They just finished re-siding the back side of our apartment last week. Now we wait until they paint. I have become increasingly agitated, anxious, and all around crabby. I don't want to go home. I was spending way too much time in my bed because it was the only place I felt halfway sane, and even that wasn't working anymore. I also don't want to be in public. It's a mess. My post-work habits include going home to straighten up, put things away, etc. I had been moving the same fucking totes and shit around from one spot in the corner to another. I couldn't take it anymore. So, instead of completely freaking out I had an idea! REARRANGE THE FURNITURE!!!! So, my loving husband (who was fearful of his life everyday when I got home from work----haha!) helped me for about three hours yesterday and we completely rearranged and cleaned our living room. We solved our space issue and the room feels much more open. Once we are able to fully utilize our deck again, I think I will feel so much better about our tiny space. We do plan to rearrange the bedroom this week because that was becoming too much clutter and small for me also. I also am my mother's daughter and can't stand never moving furniture around.

So, while I endured weeks of high anxiety and wanting to throw everything we own out the damn window I learned just how much my living environment affects my anxiety and mood. I had suspected it, but never had such clear evidence and proof that it does in deed. The first success here was recognizing that I couldn't change the situation so I needed to figure out how to deal with it. Instead of constantly telling myself that I was just over reacting and needed to not be so temperamental about it, I allowed myself to feel overwhelmed. The second success was having a solution. And going through with it. I don't think I have relaxed as much on a Sunday evening as I did last night in months. It also made me happy to be able to go through some of our stuff and get rid of things. On Friday I also took some time to go through my clothes and got rid of more than a garbage bag full. Getting rid of things and donating them to others has always been something that makes me feel good.

I am going to do better at recognizing and acknowledging that success and happiness do not have to be a "thing." If I just look a little deeper, and dig a little longer, I will see it.

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