The last entry on this blog was about 5 days before I found out I was pregnant… If I had only known how my life was about to change.

I’m sitting here nursing my 6 week old baby boy…

I’m coming back to this blog because I want to remember the things I’m thinking & feeling.

A few minutes ago I was burping him up on my shoulder & it struck me how small he is. And then it struck me that I’m responsible for this tiny human being. I grew this tiny human being and now I’m sustaining him. It’s kind of incredible, not only that I’m capable of these things but that the cosmos trusted me with this beautiful little boy.

Not quite sure where I was going with all this. Things have been pretty good lately, except for allergies, nonstop killer allergies that have basically kept me home/sleeping a lot on my weekends.

Work is work, not bad but some days I just wish I was really rich & could stay home & do nothing for about a year. Sad thing is I know I’d get bored after about a month & want to come back to work!

School is still kicking my ass. The hours more than the work or the content.

It’s getting cold, at least for San Antonio. I really wish it would just stay 72 degrees year round, but the only place I can think of that would be that temp is California & since I’m fairly convinced that the entire state of California will fall off into the ocean the moment I step foot into it, I’m staying right here in San Antonio.

I got a really shitty haircut a couple weekends ago. Like really shitty. This woman gave me ugly betty bangs after I specifically asked her not to. So I’m investing in hair clips & waiting it out…

So the dating thing. I’m still not sure what I want. I’m starting to think that I’m just not cut out for it. Or even just flirting. I stink at it. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been good at it. I get annoyed too easily. Like I know most guys are not trying to offend me by saying they think I’m sexy, but honestly, if you’ve never met me in person or had any type of interaction w/ me, how the hell can you think I’m sexy? Because trust me, I’ve looked at my FB pics & they’re not sexy! So it kind of feels like you’re just saying because it’s what you think I want to hear or it’s what you think will work & trust me when I say that it doesn’t. I’m not your typical girl, I don’t fall for the crap that usually works for you. I’m not flattered, as a matter of fact, I’m kind of offended that you’re insulting my intelligence by trying the same old played out lines on me… I’ve heard them before… if they didn’t work when I was a stupid teenager, you best believe they won’t work now!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. A friend told me that if it were my dream guy saying it, I would fall for it, but the truth is that if my dream guy said it, he wouldn’t be my dream guy anymore!

And this concept of a dream guy, I’ve been thinking of this also. I don’t think I have one anymore… Keanu, Gavin, Matthew McConaughey, Bob Schneider, etc are all great looking guys, but it’s been a long time since I’ve looked at anyone, especially a celebrity & said, yeah, I’d hit that… When people ask what my type is the best I can come up with is, tall? Smart is also a given, but what else? Good job, likes to have fun? Alright, those are reasonable. Isn’t intimidated by me but knows to respect me? That one’s a little harder to find. Doesn’t play games, doesn’t try to smooth talk me, is straightforward & honest, but not pushy. Must love dogs, my dogs especially. Can deal with my crazy life & schedule. Not needy, but makes an effort to spend time with me. Likes to drink & doesn’t mind that I smoke like a chimney. Likes sports, well football & basketball & boxing, everything else isn’t so cool. Realizes that I hate the Cowboys & knows better than to ask me to cheer for them. Good taste in music. Likes to eat good food & doesn’t mind when I pull out my camera at a really nice restaurant to take pictures of the food on the table. Knows to ask if I want to take a pic of his food before he digs in. He has to be okay w/ the fact that I probably cuss more than he does, know more guys that he does & drive a faster car than he does. Doesn’t ever tell me what to do (or more importantly, what not to do). Respects me, never fights/argues/disagrees with me in public, is never rude to my friends or family. Knows that as much trash as I may talk about my friends & family, he doesn’t get to have an opinion on any of them unless I ask him for it. Not lazy, that one is important. But willing to be lazy with me if I’m just not feeling it. Knows that I get grumpy if I haven’t slept well or haven’t eaten. Understands that I stress out about stupid shit. Gets that I have a strange degree of Texas pride, but only in certain situations. Understands that I’m very anti-politics. Knows that I hate giving the government my money, not because I’m a cold bitch that doesn’t want to help people, but because I don’t think they’re capable of handling it properly. Doesn’t ever call me a republican, because I’m fucking NOT. I need to be able to go to Hooters with him for wings & beer & a football game & know that he knows better than to check out the scantily clad waitresses or ever check out another woman around me. Not that I expect him to never look, but shit, I expect him to be smart enough not to do it around me. Not religious, that one’s important or if he is, he can’t be pushy about it or try to ever convert/convince me that I need to change my thoughts on faith. He can’t ever get morally righteous on me about anything. Has to understand that when I get pissed, I threaten to throw things & if he pushes me, I actually will. He has to understand that while I like to cuddle, I HATE sharing a bed, so cuddle ’til I fall asleep & then get the fuck out of my bed. Understand that I’m a picky eater, I like certain things a certain way, but that I am in no way a boring eater. Knows not to keep teasing me after I’ve asked him to stop. He has to understand that my BFF is currently the 3rd most important man in my life & he can’t have a problem with that. Ad’s been around longer, he’s put up with more of my shit & well, until you’ve proven yourself, he comes first & you better make him like you too. He has to realize that I’m not easily impressed & I won’t act impressed just because I’m expected to. Last but not least, he can’t be a douche in any way shape or form.

With the connected-ness the interwebs provide, it’s really easy to meet/get to know/fall in love with people who you don’t actually know.

I think I need to rephrase that, but I’m not sure how. I’m not talking about online-dating. That, I’m not a fan of.

But blogs, tweets, even facebook posts. The Wonderful World Wide Web (think that to the tune of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz) has made it so that I’m able to ‘know’ people that I don’t actually know.

I am in love Love LOVE with a blogger that I found through a TV show. WTF is that?!?! But I love his writing. I love his rants. I love his self-doubt & self-awareness. This is strange to me. I feel connected to this person who probably doesn’t even realize that some random chick in San Antonio is reading through his archives because she wants to know more.

I’m also in love w/ Anthony Bourdain. The man is just sexy & smart & funny & snarky & well hell, he’s friends with Eric Ripert (who I’m in love with too). He can cook & drink & cuss like nobody’s business. He travels the world & eats! I want on those coattails!

I’m also randomly in love with a facebook friend, not because I know him all that well or am even physically attracted to him, but because he posts pics of all the cool things he does w/ his wife & kids… I’m in love with the fact that he’s a great husband & father. I’m in love with his witty status updates. I’m in love with the fact that he’s okay with his wife posting pics of him that aren’t always 100% flattering.

There are random things that make me really happy. I mention them to people, in passing, but I always feel like a tool & never go into much detail. They’re mostly things on the internet. Blogs I read, my message board, my Pump *clap* You Up playlist on playlist.com, facebook (as childish as I feel for loving it so much), the Watch What Happens Live aftershow, Twitter (which I fought & boycotted for years), Nicholas Feitel’s Pandora Station, Poppit on Chrome, IM’s from friends who login to messenger to chat w/ me even after they’ve gone home from work.

After a shitty day & a kind of shitty weekend, these are the keep me going. The things that get me through the night. Don’t get me wrong, I like my smoke breaks & smoking table friends, all great people who’s company I throughly enjoy. But there’s something magical that happens to me when I’ve got music playing through my headphones & a something fun going on online.

I love my BFF, who sends me texts when he knows I’ve had a bad day to make me laugh or just to say that he’s thinking about me & hopes I’ve feeling better. He makes me turkish coffee & runs to the store for toothpaste when I realize we’re out & I need to jump in the shower to get ready for the day.

I don’t know what I’d do w/out Adrian. Once in a while he jokes about leaving Texas & the oppressive heat & once in a while I joke about what I’m going to do w/ his bedroom once I kick him out, but as the only real constant in my life for the last 4 years, I’d be lost w/out him.

My mom has this way of reminding me that I’m a divorced, childless woman in my 30’s and that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life (she says it directly once in a while, but mostly she just makes underhanded comments that allude to it) and once in a while, when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable (like today) I believe her. I let her fuck with my head. I get really sad about my lack of a love life & even worse, my lack of ability at getting a love life… But then I remember that I have people who I love that love me back. Adrian knows the crazy & he still wants to be the crazy’s best friend. I have tons of other friends too, but no one & I mean no one in my life has lived with the crazy and accepted the crazy the way Adrian has.

I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not easy to love. I’m dark & twisty & insecure & hell on wheels. So I appreciate the people that do love me that much more.

I know this is stupid to ask, especially after my last post, but shit, I’m not really scary, am I?

I’ve decided I need a man in my life. I want to date, like really date, not just hangout or hook up. I want someone to spend real quality time with. BUT apparently guys want bubbly flirty girls that don’t challenge them. So what’s a headstrong, stubborn girl like me to do? Do I act bubbly & flirt to meet a guy? We all know I can’t keep that act up for long… What happens when I meet a guy that likes fun, lighthearted, flirty Sarah & then the the real, wtf is that look for Sarah comes out?

I want someone who likes me for me & all my quirks & the crazy. I fight hard, but I love even harder. I have ideas & ideals that I expect people to live up to. No, they’re not always reasonable, but really, who’s reasonable 100% of the time.

I keep telling myself that one day I’ll just find someone that fits me. That gets me. That loves me for me & all the good things about me & tolerates the not so good stuff. One of these day…

So I know that on the surface, I come off as a bitch. Totally & completely. I think this is inaccurate. Truth is, I just don’t ever do anything I don’t want to do. There are exceptions of course, like getting in my car & sitting in traffic, or going out on a hot day & being uncomfortable because South Texas is & has been an oven lately. I shave my legs & go to work everyday. I ride my stupid exercise bike & pay for things that may or may not be over priced. I wear a bra & I am polite to people that I may or may not want to be polite to. If you put your time & effort into cooking me a meal, chances are that I’ll eat it even if I don’t like it.

Then there are the things I don’t do. I don’t suffer fools. I don’t tolerate rudeness. I don’t dance or listen to music I don’t like. I don’t eat food I don’t like. I don’t care what you think of the way I dress. I don’t laugh at jokes that I don’t think are funny. I’m not impressed by how much you spent on a car you don’t know how to drive. I don’t care that you think I’m stuck up. I don’t care that you think I’m a prude. I don’t care that you think I’m boring. I don’t do things just for the attention. I don’t hangout with people I don’t like. I don’t drink crappy beer or tequila or goldschlager. I don’t let people tell me what I like or don’t like. I don’t let people tell me what I need or don’t need.