December 31, 2003

PREDICTION TIME

List all your predictions for 2004 in comments. Categories: politics, sport, music, journalism, and whatever the hell else. Bets between readers are encouraged (a percentage of all gambled monies will be made payable to this website). I’m now going to turn off the computer, go downstairs, and sit in contemplative silence for two days like some kind of monk. Happy New Year!

Entertainment: Mike Moores new film with Miramax gets universally panned (exept at the LA times)
Madana gets back together with Penn, Jaylo forgives Ben, and they all end up on stage at the DNC convention thrusting up the midget sized arms of Wes Clark..

Dominique de Villepin will write & get published a book of over 600 pages about Machiavelli, in between bouts of negotiating with his striking diplomats who will be demanding unlimited subsidized access to fine dairy products (“We will not be crucified on a cross of cheap cheese!”).

One semi-major terrorist attack on US soil (~300 deaths); US public attention turns toward Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia becomes a big election issue. Dean's position on Saudi (against) is the only thing that keeps the election close.

(And hey, Alan, if you are coming the US of A, I hope you come through California, I'd love to pay you back for some of those beers)

One semi-major terrorist attack on US soil (~300 deaths); US public attention turns toward Saudi Arabia. Saudi Arabia becomes a big election issue. Dean's position on Saudi (against) is the only thing that keeps the election close.

(And hey, Alan, if you are coming the US of A, I hope you come through California, I'd love to pay you back for some of those beers)

Mark Latham will be caught red handed licking a portrait of George Bush's Bum.
Philip Adam's internet connection will be down for 2 months, precluding him from plagiarizing any one else’s work during this period.
Gough Witlam will finally remove his snout from the publicly funded ex prime ministers slush fund – read - (trough). Actually he won’t be doing it himself, it will be the undertakers.
WMD’s will be found at John Pilger’s house “I was only looking after them for a friend”, will be his defence.
Howard Dean’s back x-ray Pictures will be found to be that of a chicken.

(a) ilibc, Alan Anderson, ForNow & OPP (Osama's etc - get a shorter moniker dude!) will meet accidentally in a pub and recognise each other by the opinionation. Things will get tense before the alcohol kicks in.

(b) Andrea will date a wealthy Princeton PHD - following which she mysteriously gives up dating altogether. Spleenville commenters get treated very roughly for quite some time.

(c) Tim Blair will be torn between his Journo/blogger career and a tempting fast-track/safe-seat offer from the Greens. A free conversion to electric for his mini will seal the deal. Spleenville rankings then tumble.

1. Polls taken in October will show Bush easily beating the Democrat candidate (probably Dean). As a result:

a) Indymedia and DU will claim these are fake polls put out by the conservative media to discourage Democrat voters.

b) Michael Moore will write an article in late October saying that the polls are wrong, that people are just saying they're voting for Bush because they're afraid the pollster is actually some jackbooted Ashcroft thug ready to throw them in a gulag for being "unpatriotic", and he will go on to predict a landslide win for Dean.

2. Bush will win easily in November. As a result:

a) Before the polls have even closed on the west coast, Indymedia and DU will have be screaming that the election was rigged. They will point to the exit polls (which match the election returns) as proof that the conservative media is in on it.

b) Michael Moore will quietly remove the links to his article predicting a Dean landslide from his website. The article itself will remain on the server for about another day, giving all the conservative bloggers ample opportunity to link directly to the article and obtain screenshots and mirrors.

Many of Michael Leunig's cartoons during 2004 will be ludicrously critical of Howard / Australia / America / The West in general.
Meanwhile, NONE will be critical of terrorists, Islamic fundamentalism, dictators, etc.

I predict that the Al Sharpton/Dennis Kucinich ticket will sweep all fifty states enroute to a landslide victory in 2004. Oh wait, I'm guessing you want predictions from Earth rather than Bizarro Earth. Let me get back to you when I'm a little more sober.

1) Dissent gets crushed at an anti-Bush demonstration in San Fransisco by an asteroid that slipped past any observers because they were out to lunch.

1a) "BUSH DID IT!"

2) Michael Moore takes a promotional trip to Australia. Completely unrelated to his short stint in Hobart, Tasmania has mysteriously sunk into the ocean.

3) Mark Latham suffers a massive tumble in support after he accidentally mutters "the Australian public are a bunch of no-clue fuckers. I know what's best, and that's why I'm going to personally kick each and every bloody arse that doesn't vote for me" at a pre-election press conference.

In politics, Federal coalition win next Oz general election. Majority of arts and media community choke on their chardonnay at the galling ineptitude of the Australian public. Mark Latham replaced by *surprise* Bob Brown as ALP leader. Andrew Bartlett falls off wagon and takes drunken swing at a member of the public. Get's lights punched out. Nartarsha Spot-the-spoiler gets another go early in 04 to lead the Dems to electoral oblivion. Succeeds.
On other matters, the War on Terror gets exported to Saudi Arabia, with the "Royal" House of Saud getting it's assets frozen, as a major supplier of funds to terrorist organisations around the world.
Anti-war campaigners froth at mouth at unexpected success of military force over constant mealy-mouthed representations to half-assed dictators around the globe. UN gets disbanded and replaced by a group representing nations that voluntarily elect their political leadership. Remainder of world sulks. And goes hungry.
Majority of African population now dead from AIDS/malaria/cholera/dysentry/small pox etc. Place is paved and turned into Southern Riviera carpark.

In financial markets, the global "downturn" turns about to be crap. People spend even more money on "stuff". Stuff gets traded daily on exchanges all around the world. International Space Station opens small futures market, selling time share spots in space. Anti-capitalists and Muslim fundamentalist halfwits crack down the middle thinking of the expansion of the western zionist/capitalist conspiracy. Rest of world says "Go and get fucked"

Btw, Osama's DNA finally scraped from rocks in Tora Bora cave system. Difficult to find due to being covered under several thousands tonnes of collapsed bunker. Majority of Muslim extremists can't cope with this news either and blow themselves up in a Jewish bus-stop, killing 200 small children. IDF finally decide to turn Ramallah into a massive carpark for new McDonalds.

In sporting news, Australia wins Superbowl, Rosebowl and World Series in shock performances by touring Australian women's netball team.
Team captain says "We were just filling in time between our games."
UK's smirks wiped off when same team cleans up at FA Cup. Team captain says "We were waiting for the Palace tour to start, and thought we'd pop in for some soccer"
This team then go on to figure strongly at 2004 Athens Olympics, picking up a Gold in the Men's Heavyweight boxing, a Gold and 2 Silver's in the running and many minor placings in the swimming.
Team captain says "We had a bit of time between our pool matches, so we decided to try our hand at something else. Who'd have thought huh?"
In all it looks like a busy year starting tomorrow. Happy New Year!

No real wars involving the USA in 2004, as it'll be too busy with the presidential race.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will not be recalled (some may try to recall him), and will have made some progress towards fixing California's deficit.

Labor will lose the next election. The intelligentsia will note that Latham is anti-American enough, anti-Howard enough, and put his failure down to his economic policies being too right-wing and his failure to oppose mandatory detention. (Not that I neccessarily like right-wing economic policies or mandatory detention...)

Tim Blair will make someone mad.
The Yankees (may they all be damned to hell) will win the World Series in 7 games over the Phillies. A Yankee will go to Disneyworld. (By the way Tim, that "sports" with an S at the end.)
The Harlem Globetrotters will defeat the New York Nationals.
"Friends" will end; Ross and Rachel will end up together. David Schwimmer will star in a new series. It lasts two weeks.
Saddam Hussein will
The American Episcopal Church will officially merge with the Unitarian/Universalists.
A majority of American university professors will fail to vote for George W. Bush. Ditto for actors, journalists, and poets.
George W. Bush (after being reelected) will not call for an end to federal funding of universities and will not ban newspapers, entertainment, or poetry.

Liza and David will rekindle their marriage.
Tim Blair will marry Margo Kingston.
Jennifer Lopez might marry Ben Affleck.
Osama bin Laden will marry Christina Aguilera.
Brittany H. will not marry me.
Michael Jackson will star in the new TV series "American Juniors meets the Bachelor".

A fiver on each one:-
1.Gene tests prove Margo Kingston is the unfortunate result of a gene splicing experiment involving gerbils, hydroponic sinsimilla and a Kenwood Chef.
2.Phillip Adam's bowel movements found to be responsible for all worldwide earth tremors- tectonic plates found to be an elaborate fraud to cover up, like Adam's previous pyramid power fraud to cover up the arrival of the Saucer People.
3.John Pilger and Robert Fisk repeatedly shot in the head by Hezbollah members- both make Channel 4 documentaries blaming the Bush administration.
4.Michael Moore swims off The Hamptons- is declared a danger to shipping by the Coastguard and is towed out into the gulfstream and sunk by gunfire.

1) On February 28, a Gallup Poll will reveal that 99.999% of Americans can't remember who Paris Hilton is; Bill Clinton is the sole exception.

2) On May 1, President Bush will announce "Mission accomplished" and "the end to all major campaigning in the Presidential election." Dean supporters will resort to guerrilla warfare in the hills of Vermont, operating from bases in Canada, funded by "Ben & Jerry," and characterized by screaming incoherently in the peaceful rural night.

3) On July 4, US troops will find Dean hiding in a spider hole under a bike path; he will announce, "I am the President of Free Vermont. I wish to negotiate."

4) On November 15 at 0617 HRS (Canberra time), 20 million Australians will wake up and say "Cricket? What hell is that? We want baseball!"

Nothing else of any importance will happen anywhere else in the world.

"Date" has a rather unpleasant connotation downunder; it involves a style of horizontal folk-dancing much favoured by members of the clergy when they have encountered a particularly pneumatic choirboy.

"Date" has a rather unpleasant connotation downunder; it involves a style of horizontal folk-dancing much favoured by members of the clergy when they have encountered a particularly pneumatic choirboy.

In 2004 Australia will make a great another great contribution to the defense of western civilization. Many in America will read about it wonder "Australia? Ain't that a small European country that Hitler came from?" and go about their business.

Republican will run an advertisement that showcases some of the quotes of Howard Dean and Wesley Clark on the war on terror. The next day an editorial will appear in the New York Times angrily denouncing George Bush for questioning Dean's patriotism.

An American team wins an astounding upset in some sport such as Soccer or Rugby. The citizens of the losing team will feel like their world has collapsed on them. News of this win will appear somewhere on the fourth page in one of our newspapers and will go generally unnoticed by the American population as a whole.

The Dean campaign will run a series of advertisements showcasing the Bush administration "failings" in foreign policy. It will feature the words "blood for oil" and imply that an evil cartel has hijacked the white house. The Republicans will run a counter advertisement mentioning the fact that George Bush liberated hundreds of millions of people from oppressive tyrants. The next day an editorial will appear in the New York Times angrily denouncing George Bush for questioning Dean's patriotism.

Australia holds a major election that turns out to be a sweeping referendum on the war on terror. This election solidifies the bonds between America and Australia. News of this win will appear somewhere on the fourth page in one of our newspapers and will go generally unnoticed by the American population as a whole.

Margo will be found dead in her apartment, the apparent victim of a tragic tofu choking incident. Police will report that they discovered a bizarre shrine to Tim Blair in her bedroom.

The last two months before the US election, when it's obvious that nominating Dean was a big fat tactical mistake and Bush's lead increases by three points a week, will feel like the worst hangover the Democratic party ever had.

Early October 2004- Bush goes into last month of the campaign with a 30 point advantage over Dean.

Mid October 2004- The Turkeygate scandal erupts when it emerges that BUSH LIED! PEOPLE DINED!! Bush and Cheney are forced to resign, Colin Powell becomes president.

November- Evil racist republicans flock to back Dean as he is the only white guy left in the race. Dean wins the election, carrying all 50 states. Unusually he become President immediately when Powell resigns.

December- Vice President Krugman catches Osama Bin Laden hiding in Enron's headquarters with Paul Wolfowitz.
- Secretary of State Chirac repairs America's fractured relationship with the UN, until Kofi Annans decision to close a cycle path that runs through the North of the UN property forces President Dean to withdraw from the UN.

Bush will acheive the first-ever 50 state sweep, with a total of over 60% of the popular vote nationwide, narrowly beating Dean even in Vermont and Massachusetts.

Following that there will be a movement to make a new state called "Leftyvania" out of Manhattan, San Fransisco, the District of Columbia, and various college towns, so future Dems (if such a thing exists) can win at least one state. No one will have a problem with this.

The Democrats won't get a candidate before the convention. There will be a rematch of Bush/Gore. The results will be worse for Gore (VP: Edwards), but it still won't be a landslide. Syria will get toppled. Arafat will die ("natural causes"). North Korea will make threats. And be ignored even though it, like Zimbabwe, is one of the most evil nations ever (and I include Nazi Germany, Stalinist Russia, and Leopold's Belgian Congo in that list). Haiti, Brazil and Cuba will be asked to repay their slaves' ancesters. And someone will figure out that Michael Jackson is so weird that he actually might be telling the truth when he says he didn't do anything illegal (but that someone won't be the majority of the jurors at his trial).

Bush will be re-elected. Dems will say it's due to the American public being stupid, jingoistic, and racist, thus widening their appeal among university professors. No liberal pundit will actually move to Canada.

The first comparison to Chicago, 1968, will occur within three seconds after the first protester is bloodied by a policemen's baton during sporadic riots outside the Democratic National Convention in Boston in July.

The Return of the King wins the Best Picture Oscar despite Michael Moore's screams that Aragorn is a "fictitional king" who wasn't elected by the people of Gondor.

The Chicago Cubs lose Game Seven of the National League Championship Series and miss the World Series when God reaches down from the heavens and swats a Sammy Sosa game winning homerun back into play.

Howard Dean finds Jesus when he ventures South but misplaces him again somewhere in New England.

Prosecution teams wind up with a disappointing 2-2 season in the 2004 Trials of the Century as Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson both walk while Saddam Hussein and Scott Peterson don't.

Fox Television sends Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie off to West Virginia for The Simple Life 2 where the girls find life in the coal mines a bit more than they bargained for about ten minutes into Day One. Much hilarity and ditziness ensues.

Osama bin Laden finally turns up in the form of a DNA sample scraped from an Afghani cave proving that he's gone onto his heavenly reward of 72 raisins.

A scandal rocks the 2004 Olympic Games in Greece when it's discovered that the French synchronized swimming judge is deducting points from American swimmers for having a unilateral cowboy as President.

The United Nations tries to prove it is relevant again by declaring 2004 the International Year of Rice but it backfires when rice production drops off while lentil and chickpea farmers have bumper crops.

Howard Dean's campaign appeals to the Angry Left/Metrosexual/Guys With Confederate Flags on their Pickup Trucks demographic surprisingly doesn't pan out for him as George W. Bush wins re-election comfortably. Diebold voting machines are immediately blamed for allowing Bush to steal another election.

For those with eyes to see, the great assembly in Athens this summer will manifest the new world order: adherents and enforcers of Pax Americana vs. its opponents and the nonaligned. Ordinary people from around the globe, gathered for a sporting event, will instinctively sort themselves out into one or the other of the two groups. Poles and Aussies will raise a pint together, and will feel far more comfortable with one another than with a German or Frenchman. Liberals will decry this phenomenon; conservatives will see it as natural and inevitable.

Bush will win the next U.S. election. Blair WON'T resign as Prime Minister this year or any other despite any 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' not being found in Iraq - yet, and Tony Blair will probably go on to win the next British General Election in 95, (despite the far-Lefties and media pundits saying the Iraq war is the end of the line for Blair) and giving Labour a third term in power despite strong competition from the Conservative Party under its new leader.

The French meddling apparatchiks will continue to seeth with anger under the leadership of Chiraq and scowl at everything Bush does, and the Arab 'Street' will continue to hate us - as per usual.

We will also continue to be wary of global Islamist terrorism, Muslim plotters wishing to do us harm withing our own societies and Islamic suicide bombers will continue to blow themselves up. Nothing new there.

1) WMD are found in Iraq given up by Saddam himself, also tens of billions of dollars found and returned to the people of Iraq.
2) Iraqi secret police found to have trained and financed 9/11 hijackers.
3) France continues to make nice with the US by forgiving Iraq debt and sending in troops.
4) Germany continues to fall apart economically and with declining world influence.
5) Cheney withdraws for health reasons. Bush /Condi take 47 states, Democratic party fully collapses and Dean/Clark don't take back the country.
6) WTC memorials are all scrapped and Pataki brought in to solve that one, too.
7) OBL removed from the tramp freighter where he has been all of this time running Al Qaeda from web sites and email.

1) WMD are found in Iraq given up by Saddam himself, also tens of billions of dollars found and returned to the people of Iraq.
2) Iraqi secret police found to have trained and financed 9/11 hijackers.
3) France continues to make nice with the US by forgiving Iraq debt and sending in troops.
4) Germany continues to fall apart economically and with declining world influence.
5) Cheney withdraws for health reasons. Bush /Condi take 47 states, Democratic party fully collapses and Dean/Clark don't take back the country.
6) WTC memorials are all scrapped and Pataki brought in to solve that one, too.
7) OBL removed from the tramp freighter where he has been all of this time running Al Qaeda from web sites and email.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters is taken into custody when it's determined that she escaped from the San Diego Zoo in 1957.

Saddam is executed for crimes against humanity, with the heart going to Dick Cheney. Cheney changes his name to Dick al-Doobie and joins the Nation of Islam, where he and Louis Farrakhan fight to the death over a ham sandwich.

Congress passes a law mandating the death sentence for anyone who speaks about their "issues." Jessie Jackson is the first American put to death under it, after an appeal based on the fact that he said "issahs" instead doesn't fly before the Supreme Court.
.
Michael Jackson flees to Europe upon being convicted of child molestation and moves in with Roman Polanski. The Motion Picture Academy presents Jackson with a special Oscar for his lifetime achievements. French President Jacques Chirac bestows the Legion d'Honneur upon Jackson.

Dr. Phil McGraw admits that not only does he not have it all together, but that he has been working as a drag queen in New Orleans in his spare time. Oprah Winfrey commits suicide during her show after hearing McGraw's tearful confession. Unfortunately, the exploding vest kills McGraw and the entire audience.

The shriveled corpse of 2003 is about to be kicked to the curb by the newborn infant 2004, and such an occasion would not be complete without some predictions for the new year.

1. The Democratic primary will be a lot closer then people think. Dean will win New Hampshire, and Gephardt will win Iowa. Kerry will quickly drop out, followed by Clark. It will be a two-man race, which Dean will win, but the party as a whole will be quite weak and divided.

2. In spite of that, Bush will not have a cakewalk to re-election. He will win the popular vote, solidly, but Dean will pick up at least 15 states, including California, and his electoral numbers will be respectable. The GOP will maintain, but not grow its margin in the Senate, and it will pick up 2 more House seats.

3. Iraq will settle down and make increasing progress towards normalcy, as a tipping point will be reached where momentum towards reconstruction outweighs the guerilla attacks, which will continue, but at a decreasing rate. Iraq will not become Switzerland, but it will be calm enough that it is not a real election issue. This is in spite of a last gasp large suicide bomb attack in the summer that unfortunately will kill several dozen US service members in the worst single day loss of the war.

4. In similar news, Saddam will end up telling us pretty much everything we want to know, about the WMD and everything else. It will turn out that yes, he had them, albeit much less then we thought, and that most of them were transferred to Syria and well-hidden/buried before the war started.

5. On the domestic front, a same-sex marriage ban constitutional amendment will be voted out of committee in the House even though it is doubtful if it would pass a vote of the full house by 2/3. There will be a big behind the scenes rift in the GOP between the white house and congressional leaders as to whether it will get a floor vote.

6. It pains me to say this, but the Cubs will not return to the playoffs in 2004, although they will have a winning record.

The breakup of the Democratic party, in one of three entertaining ways:
1. Dean gets the nomination, and the vitriolic vehemence of the radical far-left drives Democratic and swing voters into Bush's camp, or to stay away from the polls. Bush wins.
2. Gephardt gets the nomination, and Dean's merry band of elves will declare him the "real candidate". Split the vote, Bush wins.
3. Gephardt gets the nomination, and the Democrats manage to hold the party together with promises and duct tape. Bush wins, but by a narrower margin. Blame tears the Democratic party apart. We ALL win.
Wrote something about this in more detail just today... Happy New Year

The United States invades Syria and / or Iran, and Japan sends troops in with the first wave. Japan continues to develop its force projection capability, and achieves a rough offensive parity with Australia by 2010.

In an amazing turn of events Howard Dean will step down as a canidate when he realizes he has run out of things to complain about. He is quickly replaced as front runner by Art Bell from Paruumph, Nevada.Art Bell beats Bush in a landslide, but is abducted by space aliens during the Inaguration, thus allowing vice-president elect Hillary Robbum Clinton to become the first NY yankee fan elected to the presidency.

smoking tobacco in NYC will still be illegal, causing citizens to smoke coffee leaves thus fullfilling the saying " THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS". Bruce Springsteen will finally admit that he never had a blue collar job in his life he just sings about it. the Dixie Chicks will become the female versions of Moe,Larry, and Curley.Inna Gotta Da Vida will become the new national anthem. Elvis Pressley, Jim Morrison,Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia will form The New Grateful Dead.

In the 1st of many Presidential debates, Bush will completely detroy Howard Dean, winning the 3rd debate by confusin Dean, claming that he had "catpured Deans flag" and then say "gg, nm", thus ending the election before it even starts.

In the 1st of many Presidential debates, Bush will completely detsroy Howard Dean, winning the 3rd debate by confusing Dean beyond recognition, claming that he had "catpured Deans flag" and then say "gg, nm", thus ending the election before it even starts.

1) Terrorist attacks in Iraq will taper off until Sept/Oct, then resume on a huge scale, in an effort to cost Bush the election. The Ba'athists know that a Democrat in the White House is their only hope.

2) Similarly, there should be no attack on American soil, since this would strengthen Bush's hand on the national security issue. However, Islamic splodeydopes are not logical, so I anticipate a large-scale attack, possibly in NYC tonight, or possibly a radiation device at the site of the Republican convention (in which case Michael Moore will make an obscenely schadenfreude statement.)

3) The Dem nominee will not be chosen until the convention. The atmosphere outside the convention will be toxicly anti-Bush. All major media but Fox will ignore the nutjobs so as not to embarass the Dems. However, they will seek out every ultra-right tinfoil-hat nutjob within 300 miles of the Repub convention and paint him as an "average Republican."

4) Dean will have a strong enough showing against Bush that the conspirazoids will be able to latch onto the most tenous of election-stealing theories. Four more years of hearing about the "fictition" of GWB. By Year 2 I will ask to be shot rather than hear it again.

5) Tex will finally buy a new motorcycle already. I will mildly approve of his choice.

6) Tex will finally buy a new car already. Blair will mock his choice, as if cars were something more than boxes on wheels that keep you dry.

7) Michael Moore will breathlessly predict defeat for Bush on his website. The day after the election, the prediction will vanish down the memory hole. This one is such a gimme, I shouldn't have bothered.

8) The lefties snarked at the Iraq occupation with "Where's Saddam?" They snarked at Saddam's capture with "Where's Osama?" After the capture (or, more likely, baggie-packaging) of Osama, they will ultra-super-snarkily move the goalpost again with the devastating "Where are the Saudis?", followed by outrage, horror, and "Another war for oil!" ejaculations when we begin to threaten the Saudis.
The evergreen "Where are the WMD?" will be answered by an accomodating Saddam, who will in his customary self-delusion believe it will save him from execution. His meek cooperation will humiliate Arabs, who will for some reason be shocked - shocked! - that an Arab is tame as a kitten in the face of a resolute adversary. In a similar vein, lefty media elite commentators who deride the average slob's ignorance of cultural diversity will continue to be confused by the Arab Street's non-rise-up-edness in the face of a resolute adversary.

9) High profile trials - if Kobe and Michael are found guilty, and Scott Peterson innocent, then Amerikkka's racism will have been the reason. If Kobe and Michael are innocent, and Scott guilty, no one will mention race. If Kobe is guilty and Scott and Michael are innocent, it's back to race, because Michael is not "really" black.

10) The virginity-obsessed freak who brainwashed Elizabeth Smart with his religious fanaticism and made it possible for her to acquiesce to rape for nine months will not go to trial, because he's her dad. He will continue to exploit her tragedy in the name of "inspiration", and idiots will continue to claim her survival to be a "miracle", despite the obvious fact that killing her would have made her useless as a sex slave, which was miraculously pulled off for nine months in her own town with numerous witnesses. My prediction for eternity is that Dad and the rapist will be sent to burn in the same circle of Hell by an enraged God who is pissed off that His good name was dragged into this sorry mess by both of these assholes.

11) The boobie-obsessed John Ashcroft will start mistakenly saying "boobie" in place of words like "body", "balmy", "Billy", "belfry", "Bubba", and "Condoleezza." He will continue to not get help.

Bush/Cheney or Bush/Rice will win the election, Republicans will make gains in the House and the Senate. Overseas, Blair and Howard will survive the new year and continue their office - Robert Mugabe and Iran's Mullahs will not.

The guerrilla attacks in Iraq will continue to wind down, but the media will continue to play them up as a major issue. Israel will build the security fence and receive worldwide condemnation. But it will significantly reduce the ability for Palestinian terror groups to launch attacks - leaving the populace of the West Bank to turn their anger against the idiot that got them into the mess, Arafat.

In entertainment, Half-Life 2 and Counter-Strike: Condition Zero will finally manage to be released sometime during the summer. The Learning Channel will continue to degenerate into HGTV 2. Michael Moore's new "documentary" will receive rave reviews from critics because it says exactly what they want to hear, but flop at the the box office. Moore and his followers will blame Ashcroft.

I see that in Australia it’s already the new year, but here in Queens, NY, it’s early evening of December 31. So the following counts as a 2002 prediction for 2003, even if it be fulfilled instantaneously, as would be best.

Reading all of this threads’ posts with their multiple predictions will cause Andrea Harris to grow sleepy. The words as they pass before her eyes will fascinate the dreamier components of her psyche until she is fast, fast asleep. Then she will: (1) assign Spleenville administrative rights to ForNow so that suitable modifications to this thread’s predictions can be made during 2004; (2) be undissuadably certain that she’s doing right but have no idea or curiosity about why; & (3) awake, remember none of it, & feel amazingly refreshed.

Irrespectively of all that, she & my fellow threadwits here will all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

1.Kucinich will pull an upset in Iowa, finishing 3rd. This will deny Dean the Iowa caucus and turn the Democratic presidential nomination process upside down. Dean will then shift farther to the left to neutralize Kucinich and secure the nomination.

2.Howard Dean will pull out a win in New Hampshire and will clinch the nomination sometime in mid-April. Dean will make peace with the Clintons and will nominate a VP of their choosing (not Hillary, though -- she wouldn't want her '08 chances tainted by association with the upcoming debacle).

3.Al Sharpton will carry 20% of the vote in the South Carolina primary, good enough for a narrow win.

4.John Kerry will reverse his position on Iraq at least four more times between now and New Hampshire, when he will drop out, and another 3 or four times after dropping out in a desperate effort to position himself for the number 2 slot.

The Democratic National Convention in Boston, Massachusetts will be the second-biggest logistical nightmare in human history. (Pharoah's army at the bottom of the Red Sea, wearing armor which cannot be used as a flotation device, remains number one.)

Gephart wins the nomination. Dean runs as an independent. Gephart comes in third. It becomes an article of faith among Democrats that Dean stole second place.

Bono, Moby,and john Kerry will renounce Christianity when they find out Jesus never said blessed are the F-cking poor, bring the F-cking children to me, and blessed are the F-cked Up for they shall inherit the earth. Osama Bin Laden will top the NYT's best seller list with "The Joy Of Jihad". The new M1 Abrams Tank SUV will be all the rage, outselling the Hummer. howard Dean will win the southern vote when he arrives at a NASCAR race sporting a mullet haircut. Michael Jackson will be released from prison when evidence is presented showing he slept with 12 year old girls too. saddam Hussein's palaces will be turned into used car lots. Al Sharpton will win on American Idol singing "I'm Black and I'm Proud".

Dean gets the nomination. The media's treatment of him rivals only that of Gore, virtaully guaranteeing a loss. A few scattered people on the Internet realize that Dean is much more of a centrist than a leftist, but when they say so they are quickly dismissed as dangerous lunatics.

Andrea will date a wealthy Princeton PHD - following which she mysteriously gives up dating altogether.

The old fossil had some kick in him still, and objected when Andrea Harris took a core sample out of his left leg.
So what was the verdict, Andrea? Did you use carbon "dating" or did you just count the rings?

Due to an outbreak of genetically modified brain flukes, The Greens win the Australian federal election and embark on a regime that makes Pol Pot look like a piker.
Tim Blair is first against the wall, Margo Kingston is made minister for Information.
The Toyota Prius become's Australia's Trabant.
Bob Brown becomes the new mandatory Che Guevara pin-up for young addled pinkos when he is photographed wearing a beret on a jaunty angle.

Oh how I'm going to regret going out on a limb like this, but: 2004 is going to be a pause, the when new world order consolidates. and when attrition and slow slogging undermine barriers that won't collapse till later (if ever).

* In general, technology continues its inexorable rise. I have no idea what will happen in consequence, but a lot will. Popper's tautology "you never know today what you will learn tomorrow" will continue to be wise advice.

* In general, the new global pattern of alliances and opposition continues to consolidate. People won't ever go back to the pre-11-September-2001 pattern, the world of 10 September 2001 is gone for good or ill. Friendships that held fast in the tidal wave of hatred on one side and defeatism on the other after that will not break now. People will take where they stand and who they stand with (or against) increasingly for granted, and they will continue on with their lives with no sense that they are doing anything new.
* The darkness continues to come on. Jew hatred, the harbinger of genocidal fascism, will fly around the global contests. The forces of evil, having failed utterly on the battlefield, will try to recoup in the cultural, political and unconventional wars. We will hear more of the Elders of Zion, of neoconservative mind control (George W. Bush being "captured" by the neocons etc.) , and innumerable other delusions of Islamofascist and looney-liberal-left propaganda. People you would never think to hear this stuff from will gradually drift nearer and nearer to Nazi-like dreams, drawn by the logic of transnationalism.
http://denbeste.nu/cd_log_entries/2003/12/Saddamstrial.shtml

* Terrorists pull out the stops to prevent the re-election of George W. Bush. They accomplish nothing of consequence, and only provide him with an unnecessary reminder to give them four more years of hell.
* America and its allies muddle through in Iraq (and generally in the war on terrorism), still there, still taking casualties, having hassles with the trial of Saddam Hussein, and overall winning hands down. There's no fast, easy or pretty way to do this, but it will be done. On the other hand, Afghanistan is already about as good as its going to get, because the culture of the people is bad and they're not interested to change it. Pakistan will continue to be a pit of Hell, as will a number of other places, especially Saudi Arabia. None of these people will do anything good except out of sheer fear. The kind of people that created the Taliban and Al Qaeda are basically bad, and I do not look to them for wonderful news. The best that can be expected, and I do expect it, is that the good guys remain resolute.

* The American economy grows enough so that the huge deficit, though clearly undesirable, will not be a disaster. This keeps the world economy chugging along acceptably.
* Bush, Blair and Howard are all re-elected. All begin distinctly uninspiring but necessary terms of office, dealing with their own unfinished business. All head for a degree of success that in the long term will be seen to be fully adequate.
* The United States Supreme Court moves slightly in a conservative, black-letter-law direction, but of course not enough to overturn Roe vs. Wade or any of its other atrocities from my point of view.
* Pope John Paul II dies, and immediately there is a campaign to have him recognized as a saint. His successor tries to run a dull, "normal" papacy, and issues no more apologies, for the crusades or anything else.

* Europe and Russia continue their demographic free-fall. The power of militant Islam continues to build in Western Europe. By far the most important thing is the non-reversal of Russia's baby dearth.
* Chirac and Schroeder retain power, and learn nothing. The European Union's draft constitution will struggle on and on, while the people it was intended to govern continue to die off from decadence and are replaced by people for whom all this Western Civilization stuff will be nothing but cobwebs to be swept aside. In general, Europe remains complaisant as to its self-abolition.

* China will continue to strengthen its position quietly. India too, to a lesser extent. In general, the countries that have lots of potential and know it let that potential continue to emerge, slowly and surely. Big changes will flow from that, but not obviously in 2004.

"So what was the verdict, Andrea? Did you use carbon "dating" or did you just count the rings?"

Neither. The old bastard's struggles caused the wine (expensive wine, might I add) to spill on my sample, thus ruining it. Who would have known he had so much vim and vigor? I should have turned off the radio -- I forgot that the classical music channel plays NPR news at the top of the hour. He heard his Dark Master's call & it was all I could do to save my own skin!

1) Hidden WMD will be found pior to the elections.
2) There will be another major terrorist attack.
3) Syria will roll over like Libya did.
4) Iran will roll over after student revolts.
5) North Korea will still be at it.
6) Water will be found on the planet Mars.

Oz Journalists
Gregory Hywood (political commentator for Silly Moaning Hilmer) and consultant for Roy Morgan Research) will, until the coming election, predict a Latham victory. If, despite the leftist prediction, Howard wins this year, Hywood will have a bob each way for the next three years.
Alan Ramsey will predict a 10 seat majority win for Latham.
A month before the election, John Hewson, Malcolm Fraser, Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, Michael Kirby, Julian Burnside, Jensen, Cheryl Kernot, Marion le, John Pilger, John clark and John Howard (the actor), Phillip Adams, Michael Costello, Wilkie etc, will come out of the woodworks to condemn John Howard and his policies.

john howard to win another election.
bob brown to lose senate seat, become host of australian queer eye.
andrew johns and johnny wilkinson to die in mysterious car accidents..
Queensland win state of origin,
England says sorry, and gives us back our world cup.

1. John Howard wins his fourth Australian election, making the Sydney Morning Herald sad.

2. Saddam Hussein is found guilty of genocide, executed, making the Sydney Morning Herald very sad.

3. Fox News begins to casually refer to Democrats as "traitors". Howard Dean complains, is charged for treason under the Patriot Act.

4. Kobe Bryant avoids jail after being found innocent. Michael Jackson avoids jail after a successful insanity plea. (then returning to his home planet)

5. The Equal Opportunities Commission pushes the Federal Government to introduce Sharia Law, as to not offend Muslim sensitivities. Cunningly, John Howard agrees to a week-long trial, whereupon he orders the "honour killings" of all members of the Equal Opportunities Commission.

6. The World gets sick of the Middle East, which is dug out of the ground and transported to Mars. France follows shortly.

7. Jacques Chirac criticises the US, Great Britain and Australia for being too successful at the 2004 Olympics. Kofi Annan argues that "such inequality makes peace impossible" and the UN passes a resolution ordering that the USA Basketball team's gold medal is to be given to North Korea.

8. A Current Affair have a "shocking special that no parent should miss".

9. Michael Moore threatens to move to Canada if Bush is re-elected, instantly boosting Bush's popularity to record levels.

10. Whilst broadcasting the 2004 Presidential debates, Fox News "accidentally" mutes the audio of Howard Dean, replacing it with the sounds of a screeching hyena. Few people notice.

11. Following the lead of the Australian Labor Party, Howard Dean adopts the campaign slogan "being generous with other people's money", somehow losing the US election.

12. Frank J at IMAO will give me a link... that rat bastard!

13. Paris Hilton asks Santa for dignity and self-respect. She receives neither because she had been a naughty girl.

14. The High Court of Australia rejects criticism of judicial activism as it begins to enact legislation, most notably the Law According To Our Unelected Opinions Act.

your site is SHITE "last one speaks". looks like you havent worked out the connection between freewill and drugtaking/substance abuse. oh yeah, i predict that in 2004 "last one speaks" will die of a heroin overdose while demonstrating "safe heroin injecting techniques" to a group of hardened junkies.

A museum in Egypt will be bombed.
A sports arena in Germany will be bombed.
A cathedral in France will be bombed.
A hospital in the UK will be bombed.
A beauty pageant in Italy will be bombed.
A disco in Kenya will be bombed.
A school in Russia will be bombed.
An art gallery in Spain will be bombed.
A shopping mall in Denmark will be bombed.

Under interrogation Saddam will reveal that most of the money he siphoned out of Iraq has gone to reproductive research. Billions of dollars were poured into human cloning research at a number of facilities across Europe. This research was ultimately successful in that the first human clone, naturally, of Saddam, was created twenty years ago with many thousands of such clones having since been created. These clones are now breeding, thus accounting for the rapid growth of the European Muslim population. In 1997, Saddam's representatives formed Valiant Venture Ltd Corporation, which teamed with CLONAID, in an effort to make a profit from human cloning.

Saddam also reveals that since Gulf War I, during the period when he was not game to show his face in public, he spent most of his waking hours producing semen samples. (The videos of torturing, maiming and throwing people off buildings came in handy for this, he says. News coverage of the WTC attacks resulting in a veritable gusher.) These semen samples were secreted, inside boxes marked as weapons, into the areas inhabited by Palestinians. The Palestinians, who have long considered Saddam a father figure, keenly volunteered the services of their women. Thus, every Palestinian child born since 1991 is in fact the artificially inseminated progeny of Saddam.

Dow will reach 12,000 by year end. US unemployment will drop to 'full-employment' level. The dollar will rebound to €1.00 - 1.05. Michael Jackson will be convicted and incarcerated. So will Kobe Bryant. There will be no major terrorist acts inside US territory. Chechen terrorists will attempt (unsuccessfully) to assassinate Vladimir Putin. An obesity lawsuit against 'Big Food' will win. It will be overturned on appeal.

Great Whites will be limited to three Aussie surfers a day. Ozzy Osborne will become Australian and change his name to Aussie Ausborne.Beer will be outlawed in Oz. the Queen Mother will be the first to ride a Roo thru the bush.Crocadile Dundee will no longer be able to say "that's not a knife mate...this is a knife". the Queen Mary 2 will lose control entering Sydney harbor knocking down the bridge and ramming the opera hall.Elton John will declare himself Imperial Dictator of Australia and Richard Simmons will be second in command.Rugby will be judged too violent in New Australia and will be replaced with pillow tossing contests.

The sadman hussein trial almost shames the “me me me” peace movement, the Arab world, the French, the UN and a host of other lefties. However the rise in US consumer confidence, Bush’s impending election victory and a more settled stable Iraq creates such bitterness and resentment in these people they decide in the end to ignore sadman’s trial.

Sadman’s trial establishes his guilt for mass murder, waging war, finance and support of international terrorist murders and for the theft of ten of billions of dollars and resources while Iraq children died for lack of basic medical supplies. (During the trial The Church of England attacks Tony Blair for his lack of humility in forging ahead with the war against Iraq)

During 2004 sadman also disclosures his long term goal of developing WMD, quality not quantity now in his thinking and was not worried about a few years delay provided you have got the infrastructure ready and you keep the big picture in mind. He also talks about his love for his sons and how he admires North Korean leadership succession planning.

1.Michael Moore is given his own post(zip)code; he is in fact given the code for his home town of Flint, Michigan, for the fine work he has done in promoting its image.
2.Mike uses his new found status as a deprived city to apply to the Federal government for a grant for urban renewal.
3.Mike spends the grant on donuts.

In February, a massive bushfire burns out the Blue Mountains, destroying two thousand homes and claiming nearly 250 lives. Bob Debus blames 'climatic conditions' (ie, summer.) Bob Carr sells the Opera House site to a Westfield-Meriton consortium for a new retail/ entertainment/apartment complex, by secret tender. Soon after, Carr and Debus retire to a love nest in New Zealand's South Island and run on a Green ticket in the NZ elections. Using the slogan 'two chips for every shoulder', and promising to tax Mcdonalds and Starbucks 110% of earnings, they sweep all before them.

1. The trial of the century begins in The Hague... and Michael Jackson will be found innocent.
2. Saddam will roll over on more war crimes. The French and Germans plead states evidence at his trial.
3. Old Europe will whine.
4. Along with the anti-US, uh, war, crowd.
5. Michael Moore and Robert Fisk will finally compare notes and get their lies straight.
6. The Democrats lose a large percentage of their black, hispanic, and jewish base.
7. The GOP doesn't get them.
8. Rush Limbaugh will continue drive the liberal crazy.
9. Osama will continue his career as "landfill."
10. The left will continue to say that US unilateral warmongering is losing us "international cooperation and sympathy" while rogue nations continue to cooperate.
11. The New Orleans Saints will FINALLY make the Super Bowl.... not win, I'm not completely delusional.
12. Isreal will be forced to crush Palestinian violence at least once.
13. The French will surren- negotiate with terrorists somewhere in the world.
14. China will land a man on the moon.
15. He'l find the missing WMD.
16. The left will say Bush planted it.
Thank you and Happy New Year.

1. The trial of the century begins in The Hague... and Michael Jackson will be found innocent.
2. Saddam will roll over on more war crimes. The French and Germans plead states evidence at his trial.
3. Old Europe will whine.
4. Along with the anti-US, uh, war, crowd.
5. Michael Moore and Robert Fisk will finally compare notes and get their lies straight.
6. The Democrats lose a large percentage of their black, hispanic, and jewish base.
7. The GOP doesn't get them.
8. Rush Limbaugh will continue drive the liberal crazy.
9. Osama will continue his career as "landfill."
10. The left will continue to say that US unilateral warmongering is losing us "international cooperation and sympathy" while rogue nations continue to cooperate.
11. The New Orleans Saints will FINALLY make the Super Bowl.... not win, I'm not completely delusional.
12. Isreal will be forced to crush Palestinian violence at least once.
13. The French will surren- negotiate with terrorists somewhere in the world.
14. China will land a man on the moon.
15. He'l find the missing WMD.
16. The left will say Bush planted it.
Thank you and Happy New Year.

Some further thoughts from my blogging related predictions
1. Mark Latham will get into a fight with Tony Abbot on the floor of the House of Reps: he will win the fight but lose the leadership to Carmen Lawrence in a party wide vote for leader (ala the Australian Democrats)
2. Carmen will take the Labor Party further to the left with such radical policies such as an open borders policy which welcomes all refugees and those who claim to be, with the coalition claiming it will blow out immigration numbers to over 1 million per year. In other radical proposals she proposes a doubling in fuel taxes, a ban on live sheep from the Port of Fremantle and will make atleast 3 more people contemplate suicide.
3. The ALP will lose the election with the Coalition increasing their majority with a swing of around 2% and a number of extra seats, including Swan and in a major upset Brand, but they will lose Hughes after Dana Vale is exposed as a space alien. The Greens will pick up a number of rust belt reps seats in the Southern states, and combined with their increased numbers in the Senate (taken from the Democrats), will become the major third party in Australian politics. Bob Brown will start quoting Mao and Lenin in increased diatribes against the government
4. Pauline Hanson will try to join the Greens after she awakes one morning to realise their economic policies are the same. They reject her on the basis her new found support for prisoners rights makes even the greens blush redder than they already are, and that she shaves under her arms. She then forms a new party "The Australian National Socialist" party but only wins the seat of Kennedy in FNQ.
5. Howard Dean will be elected US President, but everyone will regret it after one month, and a recall effort is mounted, which eventually sees George W return to the White House.
6. Tony Blair will resign and the British Labour Party will lurch to the left under the influence of London Mayor Ken Livingstone.
7. The Australian cricket team will lose its next 3 test series as they drown in a sea of arrogance and self love.
8. Steve Waugh will be named Australian of the year, he will then run for ALP preselection in the Western suburbs of Sydney, causing John Howard to consider abandoning cricket and adopting Baseball.

Forgot 1!
9. Anthony Mundine is arrested by ASIO for leading an Ismalic terrorist cell. He is released on bail a week later to fight Danny Green. Green wins with a KO in the first round. The Sydney Telegraph hails the win "Victory over Terrorism!".

-Iran will cut a deal with the US and forgo further nuclear development.
-Another major attach will occur in Saudi Arabia and come near to toppling the royal family.
-The Republicans will increase their Senate margins by three, and increase the house by twenty.
-The EU will start to unwind beginning with the failure of the new "Constitution".
-A leadership turnover in Palistine.

The Lefties will go through the motions of taking Steve Irwin (the Croc Hunter)'s kids away from him on the grounds that the kids "helping" him with the Croc business exposes them to unnecessary danger and therefore is child abuse. This will be in retaliation for Steve Irwin calling John Howard "the greatest PM ever".

JAN -- U.S. Eastern Seaboard gets seven feet of snow for the month. Environmentalists claim this validates global warming theory "more than ever" and renews calls to outlaw SUVs (that are being used to transport doctors and nurses to their hospitals during the snowstorms). Liberal media misses the irony.

FEB -- The Patriots beat the Eagles in Houston at the Super Bowl. Alec Baldwin claims whole event was fixed: "I mean, Bush obviously manipulated the whole thing, right? Look at the team names, and the location. Another high crime committed by this sorry administration." The same evening, brother Billy Baldwin is arrested for fracturing the skull of a Mexican prostitute in Juarez, allegedly in a drunken rage. Liberal media misses the irony.

MAR -- In Democratic "Super Tuesday" primaries, write-in Hillary Dennis Rodman Clinton receives more votes than any other listed candidate. On Today show the morning after, she tells Katie Couric: "You know, I just might consider running." Katie then falls to her knees and appears to begin worshipping Ms. Clinton as NBC abruptly cuts signal feed. Within 48 hours, the "Couric Does Clinton" pirated sex video is the cyberspace event of the millenium.

APR -- U.S. Park Police make another shocking discovery in Fort Marcy Park near Washington. The bodies of Democratic candidates Dean, Kerry, Gephardt, Edwards, and Lieberman, all in a neat line from tallest to shortest, with a single revolver found some twenty feet away. Moments after CNN begins live coverage of the gruesome scene, the candidates spring to their feet and, in unison, cry out "April Fool's!" The next day, Hillary Clinton issues a statement: "If nominated, I will not, uh, serve, and, uh, if, uh, as I said, uh, nominated, uh, well, I just won't." Liberal media misses the irony.

MAY -- U.S. Supreme Court agrees to hear case (Johnson & Sparky v. Texas) challenging legality of Lone Star State law prohibiting sexual relations between humans and domestic pet partners. Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund calls this "the next step towards a level playing field" and Candidate Dean is quoted as being "personally opposed, at least as an interesting theory" to man-beast sex although "as President, I will follow the ruling of the High Court." Asked for his view, President Bush simply snickers and says "Next question." New York Times editorial the following day: "Dubya's Disheartening Dismissiveness."

JUN -- Tiger Woods foils a suicide bomber during the third round of the U.S. Open golf championship at Shinnecock Hills, NY by literally knocking his head off with a driver. The bomber, who had slipped past event security by claiming to be Vijay Singh's sister, broke through the crowd as Woods was preparing to tee off on the par 4, 410 yard 15th hole where he was leading by 27 shots. Tiger, who afterwards said he "just altered my swing plane a little," then beheaded his assailant, with the skull rolling to a stop just short of the ladies' tee. After caddie Steve Williams wiped the driver clean, Woods proceeded to hole out his tee shot with the help of a slight tailwind. At that point, the frenzied crowd carried him off the course on their shoulders as tournament officials declared him the winner of all remaining events in 2004. Nike's sales jump 190,000 percent after unveiling their new ad "Just Do It, America" (which includes a grainy, black and white Jack Rubyish photo of Woods' Nike driver at the moment of impact). The Arab League declares the ad "racist and offensive" and urges Muslims worldwide to buy Adidas instead. Within ten minutes after that announcement, the blogosphere is pointing out that the Munich terrorists at the 1972 Olympics used Adidas gym bags as part of their disguises. Liberal media misses the irony.

JUL -- Saddam Hussein is found dead in his jail cell while awaiting trial for crimes against humanity. Paul Krugman immediately accuses the Bush administration of murder. Less than a week later, Matt Drudge breaks the news (confirmed by Iraqi prison guards) that Hussein's death was actually caused by autoerotic asphyxiation using a Red Cross plastic food bag. "The guy just spanked the monkey incessantly," a CIA interrogator admitted. "We knew to stay away from his cell whenever we started hearing him mumble "Oh Britney." The suicide overshadows the Democratic National Convention, which is beaten in Nielsen ratings by Home & Garden Television on each of the four evenings. Dr. Howard "The Duck" Dean is nominated on the second ballot when the Kerry, Lieberman, and Gephardt delegates mysteriously drop their support of Edwards after a closed-door meeting with former President Bill Clinton. What was said in the meeting? "Just that we want to win," is the vague reply. Lazy journalists do not bother to ask who the "we" was referring to.

AUG -- Tiger Woods delivers the keynote address at the Republican National Convention, saying "You're damn right I want lower taxes. And I've got three words for anybody who wants to call me selfish -- Fifteenth Tee, Shinnecock." A thirty-seven minute standing O ensues, and the networks (except for Fox) nervously cut away after five to air reruns of Queer Eye. TV execs lamely defend their decision the next day, saying "We felt it was turning into a partisan pep rally." Fox's overnight tops the Super Bowl across all demos.

SEP -- Dr. Howard "The Duck" Dean makes his first significant gaffe in the campaign, calling North Korea a "steadfast ally for the last 50 years." When asked if he was thinking of South and not North, Dean snaps "G-D it, I know which side won that f---ing war." The next day, he attempts to repair the damage by saying "I got my centuries mixed up." Meanwhile, Michael Moore continues to call President Bush "the stupidest, most ignorant human being of all time, anywhere, the whole planet, all of history, you name it." Liberal media misses the irony.

OCT -- Dr. Dean's meltdown continues as he throws his podium, Bobby Knight style, across the stage during the second televised debate after Bush makes points on Dean's flip-flops concerning the war on terror. A Washington Post editorial the following day praised Dean's "profile in courage" and said "It's about time a Democrat came out swinging." Barbra Streisand is quoted as saying "I just wish the podium would have hit that monster Bush right in the groin." DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe says the incident has "energized our base." The video clip is never shown once on the network news (except for Fox) but gets wide distribution via the blogosphere, where clever clip art and animation turns the podium into a coffin and ends with Dean jumping into it. Liberal media misses the irony.

NOV -- President George Bush is elected to a second term, carrying every state except Hawaii and Vermont. The following weekend, he stuns the sports world by also winning the New York City Marathon in a time of 2:07:12. "Just somethin' I always wanted to do," says a victorious Dubya. "All them carbs I loaded during the campaign...had to burn 'em off somehow." Maureen Dowd calls the race fixed, saying "The African runners in particular looked like they were holding back at the end. Did they feel obligated to Bush in some way?" Ms. Dowd falls silent on the topic when a top Kenyan contender tells the New York Post "Damn right I held back. It was my way of saying thanks to Mr. Bush for making this world a safer place." Her next column is back to the usual, comparing John Ashcroft to Josef Stalin.

France will surrender to Osama Bin Laden. In a replay of 1940 French civil servants will line up to collaborate and the French fleet (such as it is) will be sunk at harbour by U.S. and Royal Navy forces.