A daily record of my attempts to continue my weight-loss journey. After losing more than 120 pounds, I am now trying to battle my food and weight issues with Intuitive Eating. Will I reach the Onederfuls? In the grand scheme of things does it really matter? Only time will tell...

Thursday, February 01, 2007

My 100th Post

Today is my 100th post, which I guess is cause for some celebration. It's been an eventful time, I've actually managed to bypass my 225 roadblock, and I survived the Holiday Eating Trifecta. I've had highs and lows and have managed to stay mindful and report in here faithfully throughout. I've made what I consider some new friends, people who just as faithfully check in on my blog and respond with their encouragement and advice.

It seems fitting that I'm finishing my first 100 posts as I'm entering a new phase. I've now got a new roadblock weight - 213 - that my body keeps veering back to (it's where I am this morning). I'm dealing with new medication that I think has a lot to do with this, but I'm definitely not using it as an excuse. Just a reply to the voices in my head that get frustrated and full of self-loathing as my weight loss slows.

I know the next 100 days will be challenging ones. It'll be the first three months on my new pills, and it's during the drudgery of winter when I'm most prone to depression and overeating. I foresee my weight loss continuing to be slow, and while my body's adjusting it may even go up a few pounds. The hardest thing is going to be sticking to task without the rewards of the scale. I get frustrated and disgruntled very quickly when I can't see obvious results, and soon I'm thinking "Screw this. Why bust my hump and not even see a loss? I should just eat what I want." But that logic's pretty darn flawed, because I know "eating what I want" means I will gain, and boy it'll pack on as fast as blue blazes.

The answer? Focusing harder on the non-scale victories. I need to track or recognize more clearly the work I do each week, whether that means writing down the hours and miles I walk, the progress I make on the P!lates, or even journaling my food. I haven't written down my food in a long time, although I'm always keeping track of what I'm eating in my head. Perhaps if I have this concrete information in front of me, it'll keep me motivated to keep going.

Some of you may think I'm being too negative and self-defeating when I predict future problems. But I'm trying to be realistic and get myself prepared with some kind of strategies to get through it. Because even if I'm wrong right now and I start losing weight easily, one day I will reach a point when I want to maintain the weight I've attained. And once that happens, the same things apply: I won't have the anticipation and reward of weight loss, and it will feel like I'm treading water. So I might as well get ready for that now and start appreciating more than what's on the scale.

The thing that always goes through my head when I hit a roadblock is, "Could I be satisfied staying at this weight?" I dealt with it in 2004 at 235, 2006 was 225, and now at 213. What if I couldn't budge from this weight and had to resign myself to not losing any more? At 235 I was pretty miserable with the thought, but that decreases as my weight does. At 213 I'm feeling pretty good, and I'm not horrified at every photo and glance in the mirror (just some). The bulk of the weight I wanted to lose is gone; now I'm down to the vanity pounds, the fine tuning I'd like to do to look better. And there are still non-scale goals I want to accomplish -- I want to fit comfortably in size 12-14 clothes, I want to get more physically fit and agile so I can do the harder P1lates moves, or who knows, maybe even become a runner (of course, with my messed up knees and ankles I don't know if that will ever happen). So despite my "screw it" grumblings, I know in my heart there's a lot more I still want to reach for, and it all isn't about a number on a scale.

My husband finally had to explain to her that we had to be mentally prepared for it to be "bad" until the baby was born - the whole 9+ months.

We had someone clean our house, we had transportation for our son to school, back up for shopping, someone to drive me to the doctor's office or lab (those were the only places I went - and I went in my slippers and PJ's), etc.

We had to plan for REALITY - and not keep looking through rose colored glasses and then wondering why things weren't working or were falling apart.

About two years after middle child was born - I said something to my son about how hard that year was on him - because I was so sick.

And - he did not know what I was talking about - HE HAD NOT NOTICED that anything was wrong.

He was not stressed - not forgotten - his routine was maintained. He simply rode to school a different way and had different people in and out of the house (helping) but HIS life was the same - and that was just amazing to me.

He is very bright (and was at that age too) and very intuitive - and the whole year of IV's and my being in bed (we read lots of books and played lots of games) didn't even phase him -

because we planned ahead and handled things. That is not being pessimistic - that is being realistic.