Should you confront ‘the other woman’?

I never understand why, when someone’s partner cheats, the person who has been hurt or wronged goes after the other woman (or man), rather than focusing on their partner, the real culprit.

Sure, the mistress isn’t the classiest broad in the bunch, but if she was single and looking when she met your boyfriend/husband/partner, then she’s not the one doing the cheating. Your partner, on the other hand, is.

This story looks at whether you should confront the other woman, and what may happen if you do.

That makes me wonder, have any of you (man or woman) gone face-to-face with the “other”? If so, how did it work out?

72 Responses

As someone who was married for a long time I now believe there are a few types of married men who cheat.

1. Compulsive cheaters (like my ex-husband) who will go after anything with a pulse. I was a 2nd wife, a trophy wife, 20 years old to his 42 years old and yet he still cheated on me even though he was the envy of his friends. He cheated with all sorts of women, tall, short, fat, thin, pretty, ugly – after a while I realised it wasn’t about me or any deficit on my part as he had also been promiscuous throughout his first marriage. NO! This type of cheating is all about him and his personality deficit. He does it to make himself feel good not because he has genuine feelings for the women or because you aren’t giving attention.

2. REAL affairs. Now this one is more difficult as this type of affair suggests a deficit in the relationship. the man doesn’t just go for sex but for the emotional component. Perhaps the marriage is in a rut, perhaps he is staying to ‘do the right thing’, is tied by children or finances etc. Now whilst I think every woman has the right to be angry if she is cheated on, that anger needs to be directed at the husband NOT the mistress. She didn’t make vows and isn’t party to what goes on in your marriage. from the anger on this board it appears that if you are a wronged wife then that automatically gives you a free pass and freedom from any guilt but I will say this:

1.The perception of the marriage by one person is not necessarily the same perception that the other partner has. You may feel it is wedded bliss, he might feel trapped.

2.You can’t seduce someone who doesn’t want to be seduced and in my experience, 9 times out of 10 it is the man who initiates and chases.

3. Are the wives really so perfect? Are you really contributing to the marriage or just cruising along? Complacency is the enemy of marriage. It is just too easy to blame everything on the other woman. The problems in your marriage have been fermenting for some time, probably from even before he met her.

4. Affairs are not the cause of marital problems, they are a symptom.

It is really easy to be polarized about this and see it as black and white but in reality, few things are ever that way. I would also say do not confront the other woman. You will just make yourself look foolish and desperate and hysterical. Don’t lower yourself.

Not excusing affairs but saying keep a dose of realism here. It is too easy to say the wife is lily white and the mistress is the devil incarnate.

I was the OW, did not know he was married. When I found out, I ended it. When his wife found out? She started harassing ME, stalking Me, blaming ME! I pressed charges against her and filed a restraining order. She was crazy! She tried to ruin me. When she called my employer? They told me and then I sued her and won. At first I felt bad for her, now? Not one bit, I could care less if my relationship ruined her marraige. When I filed suit? Her husband left her. She ended up looking like a wack job nut case. When in fact, I ended our 2 year relationship immediately when I found he was married!! She tried to destroy me and instead destroyed her own
Life out if her crazy out of control behavior. He is now engaged to a lovely woman- And I am married to his best friend. Her? She is still crying foul and is a bitter, lonely woman now. Do I feel bad? Not at all, if anything I understand why he was looking elsewhere.

Of course give them a hard time but give the hubby (or wife) a much harder time dragging them through court for every bit of money that you can get. This from the child of a serial cheater-they are both stealing time away from family. There is always trash out there to lure away spouses, this doesn’t mean they should get off easy!

I have recently discovered my boyfriend of 10 years is having an affair. He is a very stupid, sloppy cheater. Come on, I found her phone number in his wallet. Another thing, he has a box of condoms in the bathroom cabinet. We do not use condoms during sex and I have been counting these things for a while now. About a month ago I counted 7 left. This past weekend I counted and there were 5. How stupid is he? He failed to hide a large box that a bottle of Crown Royal and 2 branded glasses came in. The bottle of Crown was tucked away but he FORGOT to HIDE the box…too sweet!!! This is not the first time I have caught him. The last time was about 2 years ago.
The girl was stupid enough to call his house without blocking her phone number and I answered the phone.
I met a guy earlier this year and he’s single, 54, very nice looking, no alcohol or drug use and is attracted to me. I told him that I have a boyfriend and could not cheat. Look what has happened. I am the honest one and low and behold my BF is a compulsive cheater.
Some of these women have a problem…they think with their vaginas and have such low self-esteem they will go out with about any one.
My BF and I have an 8 year old son and he really loves his dad. I have thought about confronting this person being that I have her home and cell numbers but I have decided to hold off and bust them out. It won’t be long. He thinks he’s so smooth. Good God, he’s 69 years old and still going to bars and picking up women. When will he finally grow up? He is a nice looking man but he knows it and so full of himself. I think the right thing to do is pick up the personal items that me and our son have at his home and let him carry on. I don’t drink and have no intentions of falling into his game. He’s too old for this kind of action and really needs to grow up and help me raise our son. My son and I have a home in another town and we are very happy here. I know God is the only way to solve this in a proper manner.
Bit of advice: Everything happens for a reason. Get God in your life and He will take care of everything. You don’t have to do a thing
except live for Him and be obedient to His word! So easy!!!!!!!

My spouse of 11 years works out of town (by choice- much better money) and I would travel to see him near and far. This Thanksgiving I had even sent him 30 kg of homemade baking (yes thats thirty- took me three days to bake) for him and his roommate I had known for about 5 years. I wanted to treat them both for working so hard( over 45 days with no days off by that point)and to give them a little bit of home cooking which they weren’t getting. I afterwards decided to go up to actually cook the full Thankgiving meal for him, his roommate and several of his coworkers and his boss. I drove 12 hours, with my car jam packed with all the kitchen appliances and cooking apparatuses I would need to coko a large meal. I arrived, and when I looked at the state of thier apartment (FILTHY- round globs of mould in the toilet, obvious vomit and feces on and in the toilet.) I decided to give it a one over and keep it nice for the guys. So I cleaned, cooked ( I went to culinary arts school- and ran some very upscale restaurants in Canadian Resorts so I am a damn fine cook)and did everything to make thier home more livable, and lives a bit easier. I had known his roommate was being unfaithful to his partner, and he even brought the woman he was seeing over while I was there. Unbeknownst to me this woman was also the best friend of the woman my spouse had been seeing as well. She had come over to compare me to her friend, lovely as can be that thought is. When he came home afew weeks later, I knew something was going on as he had began to treat me quite poorly before my visit, and afterwards. I checked his phone records and found several texts, calls and all sorts of unsavoury things on his phone.
I confronted him, he lied to me about the extent of his affair, it turns out this woman he was dating also has a partner, whom lives in London. She would sit within ear shot of his phone calls to me, listening him express his love and devotion me. Here’s a lovely kicker– I had left some of my kitchen things there after a few of my visits as my spouse said he could use them, so no big deal I left them. When he returned home he didn’t have enough room to pack these things so he had left them with his roommate. Then I found out she had actually moved into this apartment with him, and was eating my food I had cooked, using my kitchen things, and just general douche-baggery.
When he had returned without my things, I (well quite rudely actually) enquired to his old roommate where my stuff was, as he was supposed to pack it up and return it to my spouse. They had all gone missing, I called his spouse and they didn’t show up there… SO.. that means the two girls that had been living there for the last week of his stay and continued to stay after he had left, decided it would be appropriate to take my things, and keep them. No one on the planet could tell me that I should not confront this woman. Not only did she know I existed, she took my things?? F ME! Listen people, I could care less about societal anecdotes about what should be done in these situations, as soon as that woman trespassed against me, she lost all rights to her privacy, and her “it aint my fault” attitude. She partook in the misdeeds, so she gets 100% of the consequences. As soon as she bedded my spouse full well knowing I existed, she got me too. Package deal, it’s like black friday, but there is NO DISCOUNT HERE. You have to pay full price on this one.

The wives who know their husband have cheated on them once in the past, then get bent out of shape when they find out their husband cheated a second time or more make me laugh. You wives get what you deserve if you stay with a cheater. Your HUSBANDS made the vows to you, not the other woman/women.

Yes. I discovered my ex bf was cheating for a year, after I financially supported him with a loan of $20,000 (I have a signed IOU). Called the other woman, he was cheating on both of us. He is now making death threats if I ever contact her again and blackmailing me with nude pics he has of me. I was only trying to warn her, never did I harass her. She was thankful to me but ended up staying with him (she is much younger and dumber!). Moral of the story, don’t make contact when the guy is a sociopath!

This is happening right now: 2 weeks ago my boyfriend/fiance of 10 years received a phone call on his cell phone at 1:30am…I wrote down the number & called the next day to ask the person who they were & why are they calling my husband at 1:30am? I left 3 different messages–then I got a call saying they had 3 missed calls from my number & wanted to know who was calling..I said I wanted to know why you called my husband at 1:30am–she denied it-asked who my husband was-said she didn’t know a “Jerry” & said she had to get back to work as she hung up…I asked Jerry about the call & he said it was a wrong #–BUT the # appeared on his phone 3 more times that day & a voicemail! The voicemail said “hey baby just wanted to call you & say I love you-see you later-bye”….that was the start of my “investigation” into my cheating man–he lied to me for weeks about it. I happened to talk to a friend of mine & the other woman (did not have a CLUE my friend knew anything about this) & she told me she knew about her friend “Vivian” & “Jerry” & she is completely smitten & in love! They have been seeing each other for 2 MONTHS & are making plans to go to Las Vegas & Hawaii?? She said Jerry told Vivian that our relationship has been over for a while—WHAT?? We live/sleep together every day–he has 2 kids from a previous marriage & so do I… He told me after I confronted him that he wants ME to get the f*ck out of our house & I’d better get out soon ‘cuz she is planning on moving in!! I have left her more phone messages asking her why she is continuing to carry this on with my husband of 10 years & she won’t respond. My friend told me where she lives, so I drove by her house & went by her work to see if I could talk to her but she wasn’t there.. Tonight my husband yelled at me & said if I don’t leave HER alone she’ll file a restraining order against ME!! WTF?? Anyone have advice for me??

Carrie (#62)… Any Advice? Leave your husband and that lady alone! He doesn’t deserve you and you shouldn’t want to stay. He is obviously really into this stupid woman and his willing to lose what he has to be with her. I say let him go…but make him pay. Divorce him and tax him all at once! He has alot of nerves treating you like that but that just goes to show you shouldn’t want to be with someone who can talk to you and treat you like that, like you weren’t there for him for 10 years…let him go. He is no good and his actions will catch up to him.

Seriously Carrie? Get a grip! WHY spend your time and energy stalking her, because that is what you’re doing! Sounds like no matter what you say to her, it won’t matter, she doesn’t care, she wants your man and she’s got him! He’s a no-good cheat. Do you REALLY want him back?Time to move on and let it go… as the expression goes, “Do YOU!”

Well I confronted the other women a few times and she straight out claim that they were just friends and nothing else. But I noticed that she was texting excessively to the point that every minute his phone was going off. Long and behold I was able to see one of the messages with her pouring her heart out to him. I confronted him and we got into a confrontation. I told him that either he have to cut his friendship off with her or the relationship with me. At first he was upset and when he told her that he was trying to work on his relationship with me she begin contacting him more to the point that we constantly got in arguments about her. I know as a woman I need to walk away but it is hard. Note him and I were not married but in a committed relationship to the point we were considering taking the next step soon. Her excuse to him was “She is not your wife” you can have any friend that you want to.” I don’t have an issue with my man having friends, but I had an issues with a woman who contacted my man excessively through the morning and night even when he asked her to back off. I think that sometimes contacting the person can be helpful or could cause more issues for the two to get closer. If you contact the person I would say try to do it in a manner just as a concerned spouse but note if a woman wants your man at times she will protect him.

Thanks, MissMe & CoolMom..I wish I could pack up my furniture & go NOW, but I feel trapped–he has been paying the rent for 10 years!!I have only been paying the smaller bills-utilities, etc…I’ve been looking for an affordable 3 bedroom house since he screamed at me to get the f*ck out of our house because “Vivian” is moving in-there is NOTHING I can afford on my budget…the cheapest was $1200/mo & I only take home $1500/mo..doesn’t leave me with much to live on…ughhhh, I am sooo frustrated, depressed & stressed about this!! The latest news on this: After telling me everytime we’re together that he “loves me” & then we have sex & I feel like an idiot afterwards…He hides his cell phone under his pillow & I finally got ahold of it 2 nights ago & read all 154 text messages between Jerry & Vivian (aka the “skank”)She sent him wet t-shirt photos of herself (classy) & msgs saying “hey baby, get your sexy ass over here,I think I need to be f*cked some more” & other disgusting msgs. He sTILL denies that they’re having sex!!! LMAO!!! He told me that he has a “business trip” in Las Vegas this weekend & he’s taking VIVIAN!! I am even MORE devastated now & am trying mot to let it consume me, but I can’t stop thinking about THEM on a getaway weekend when WE have been talking about doing that for the past couple of years & he always has “too much work” & can’t get away…Sorry to rant, but it feels better to just write it down…

why do you need a 3 bedroom house? Seriously, for your own mental health, get the hell out… do whatever it takes to move heaven & earth and leave! Move in with a friend, a relative, get a studio apartment if that’s all you can afford at this time! What you CAN’T afford is letting this sleeze ball take complete advantage of you mentally & physicially any more! GET OUT NOW!

roz, the texts are meaningless in ny now. ny now has a no fault divorce but her first sentence pretty much says it all, my boyfriend/fiance. apparently she is using the word husband loosely. ny does not recognize commom law marriage.

in other words she is entitled to NOTHING. her kids are hers and his are his. no child support.

to quote the great scholar, Dr. Dre, “If yo’ b*tch on my sh*t, it’s yo b*tch you check, n*gga.” to put it in more eloquent terms, confront your husband, not the other woman. He’s the one who took the vows.