Stop. Stop talking. For just a few minutes. Seriously, I don’t know why nobody has told you this before now but all you’re doing is making it worse. I would say that your publicist should have the sense to tell you to can it but, truthfully, that guy’s pretty smart if he’s letting you ramble, make an ass of yourself, lie to the mass media and prolong this side show you seem oblivious to be emceeing.

Look, ordinarily, I really don’t care about beauty pageants. Frankly, I got over being judged in middle school so I don’t understand why people would volunteer to do it on the off chance they may win some cash and 12 months of recognition. (And, yes, I happen to be a decently attractive human being, so this isn’t just an angry ugly chick rambling at you here.) But, because you have made such grandeur public statements on behalf of “young Christian women”, you’re now suddenly dragging me and some of my good friends into the fray, which we really don’t appreciate.

Believe it or not, the rest of the world kind of doesn’t like Americans right now. (I know we’re big into screaming about how awesome we are all the time but, really, that just makes everyone like us even less.) They’re all pretty sure that we’re all a bunch of vapid, surgically-enhanced, superficial, Bible-beating hypocrites. And the real problem with that belief is that there are people like you WHO ARE LIKE THAT who are making international headlines and perpetuating these godawful stereotypes.

Since you seem a little clueless when it comes to abstract thought, I’ll make a list of grievances so you can clearly understand what I’m addressing here.

The Stereotypes You Are Perpetuating That We Wish You Wouldn’t Are:

1) All Americans Have a Victim Mentality, Especially the Young Ones.
No matter how much you publicly whine about somehow being “wronged”, it’s painfully obvious that you weren’t. And by continuing to whine about it, you’re just making yourself look like an idiot. Here’s what happened: You won Miss California. Good for you. The folks that run that particular organization forked out a lot of money to have your body surgically altered if you’d sign an agreement to jump through their hoops and live by their standards. And then you didn’t. And then you lied about it. And then you tried to sue them for holding you accountable for your actions. (Also another American trait that’s cringe-worthy.) Sure, the gays that chair Miss California Inc. were devastated at the ignorant, bigoted answer you gave but even if that wasn’t a factor, you were still flaking out on the boat shows where you were scheduled to appear and the Family Dollar grand openings where you were due to cut the ribbon. So say what you will about the Gay Mafia coming to get you because you “love Jesus” and are just trying to spread “His Word”, you were wrong. And, as an adult, people expect you to be accountable for your actions. Oh, and FYI: because you’re not, you’re just making yourself look even less credible.

2) Christians Hate Gay People and Jesus Did Too
I could literally spend all day rambling about how inaccurate this is but I’m sure that would be fruitless. However, let’s talk like two people who were raised in Sunday School. The cool thing about Jesus that made him so healing and appealing to everyone is that he loved and accepted everyone for what they were. In case you’ve forgotten, he hung out with drunks and murderers and hookers and all sorts of really gross people and he’d probably even hang out with you, too. His message was ENTIRELY about love. And he offered love and forgiveness for any type of sin, including lying or stealing or drinking to excess or adultery or murdering or – if you think love is somehow a sin – having sex with someone who has matching genitalia to yours.

So, running around telling everyone that Jesus has a problem with gay people and that you’re just this soldier standing up for your beliefs is not only incredibly hypocritical but just innacurate. You’re not a martyr for spreading hatred and intolerance. You’re not doing Jesus’s bidding by campaigning against people being in love. I mean, if we’re going to try to stop supposed “sinners” from getting married, are you going to try to stop drunks from getting married? How about non-Christians? I mean, technically, if you really believe this, you could spend the rest of your life limiting marriage to just Christian heteros.

I’m not so much a “Christian” as I am someone who recognizes God in all forms and respects the teachings of the people who spoke of Love (like Christ.) And, unfortunately, when you misrepresent someone who represents and initiated ideas that I believe in, you offend me personally, because I really don’t appreciate looking like a moron along with you.

3) Beauty Pageant Contestants Are Just a Bunch of Mindless Whores

I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure there are a couple thousand beauty queens who want to punch your face in. (And, no, not because they’re totally jealous of your rockin’ bod.) Some of these girls are actually intelligent, with ambition and talent and would kill for a media platform in which to share their beliefs and spread awareness about noble causes. There are girls who could actually be talented actors/singers/models or who want to make extra money for grad school or who want to do something important with their lives other than be a beauty queen for a year if they could just get that big break. But, instead, we have you, yet another oversexed, greedy twentysomething hottie, wildly flailing around, contradicting yourself by yelling about morals and then having nude photos and a sex tape (God, how cliche can we be, here?) magically leak and then going out and writing a book about how all of this that has made you famous has destroyed you as a person.

AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN WIN THE DAMNED THING.

::Sigh::

You see where this is going? Even the poor girl who spent just as much time as you in the gym and rehearsed her interview questions just as hard as you did and invested just as much time and money into the Miss USA pageant as you did and actually won the “coveted” title isn’t getting as much press as you. What was her name again? And her mission was what? I’m pretty sure she’s talked to a couple hitmen.

Meanwhile, you’re showing the world that yes! You proudly let an organization purchase breasts for you! And yes! You have the obligatory spray tan and bleached hair and overwhitened teeth! And yes! You believe in Jesus but have no idea what he was actually about! And yes! You proudly argue like a 7th grade girl who’s being made fun of for being flat-chested! And yes! You do all this loudly and publicly with no idea how stupid this is making you look and no desire to step back and try to salvage some dignity or self-respect! Hooray for America!

I’m surprised your co-contestants haven’t tried to kill you already.

So, let’s recap: You’re making a lying, idiotic fool of yourself and your parents and your friends, of course. And you’re doing the same for those people who share a religious title with you. And you’re doing the same for beauty pageant contestants. And you’re doing all this in epic, international proportions, completely oblivious to the fact that in a couple years nobody’s going to care what you have to say and honestly don’t care now but we can’t peel ourselves away because we haven’t seen such a personal Hindenberg incident since Britney shaved her head and beat up a car.

Stop trying to be heard; you’ve made your statements, backed them up with your contradicting actions and the damage is done. Stop trying to make money. Stop trying to stay relevant. Stop telling everyone that you’re some sort of hero. Stop letting your publicist sell you out while you’re making money and getting attention for him. Stop lying to everyone about everything because we know and you’re just making it worse. Stop talking on behalf of people who are absolutely nothing like you. If not for us, then do it for yourself. Have a little dignity and just go away.

Because the blatant truth is that you’re not the Victim here; you’re the Lost, Self-Destructing, Dollfaced Moron. And haven’t we seen enough of that in pop culture?