Gentrification at its pretentious best.

Man Claiming to be Jesus Racking Up Huge Bar Tabs Then Vanishing.

A man has appeared in a Melbourne courtroom today charged with fraud and deception with intent to reign after police ended his month-long dalliance from the law. But here’s the thing: no one has been able to formally identify him, and he’s claiming he’s the Son of God.

Police picked him up near South Bank after a tip-off from where he was thought to be staying, in the penthouse suite of the Crown Towers. Easily identifiable wearing a roman style toga and sandals, with a ‘shaggy appearance’, he was apprehended quickly. But after a thorough search police were able to find no means of identification, money, credit cards or bank records. The only items of evidence recorded was a Casio calculator wristwatch and a small bag thought to have contained cocaine.

Reports have been coming in for weeks around a man matching the ‘Lamb of God’s’ appearance seen in several high-end Melbourne bars heavily intoxicated and leaving without paying the bill.

Stephen Erckelle, Bar Manager at The Alderman, a bar for idiots located in East Brunswick, said that he had submitted a report to police the day after the man had caused a disturbance in the venue and upset patrons. “He obviously stood out but sat quietly in the corner and ordered water for an hour or so. He appeared to be getting more and more intoxicated so I confronted him and suggested he had smuggled in his own alcohol, but he wasn’t carrying anything! Then he started asking about the food so we brought him a menu.” The man repeatedly quizzed why there was nothing simple like ‘bread and fish’ on the menu becoming more and more irate and suggesting that he was here to ‘save us all’ and that the movie ‘The Exorcist’ was based on actual events and we were all doomed. “We asked him to pay the bill and leave as he was making the guests uncomfortable”, the moronic manager continued, “so he said he was going to the toilet and just vanished! The thing is, there is no way out of the back of our venue, no windows or anything; the place is actually a death-trap. So we all started wondering if he was actually Jesus like he’d been saying.”

It’s an almost unbelievable claim, but a similar story was told by staff at another exclusive Melbourne wet spot, Spearmint Rhino, located in the CBD. The staff member, who declined to be named, said that security had attempted to evict a man in a toga over the weekend who was causing a ruckus in their depressing house of lies. “He was really fucked up and yelling loudly to anyone who would listen to him, saying that the feminist movement was bullshit because his dad would have made everyone the same with the sex bits and that everyone was supposed to be different.” Travis Cloke also went on to say that, “He was making the girls really upset and smelt like wet horse blankets, so we went to eject him and he literally just disappeared right in front of us.”

Police also made a strange comment when prompted outside the courts today suggesting that it took some time to secure our potential Lord and Saviour as he ‘kept slipping out of his handcuffs’. Sitting quietly in the docks, reading what looked to be Garfield comics, the defendant only made one brief reply when asked how he responded to the charges, asking ‘don’t you know who I am?’.

The case continues next week with the judge presiding looking to release a notorious criminal to appease the public, as is the custom at this time of year.