ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline

Sports

CINCINNATI—Fearlessly embarking on a journey to areas as far as the outer mezzanine, local Cincinnati Reds fan Tony Amico, 38, reportedly departed from his section at Great American Ball Park Friday and trekked all the way to the other side of the stadium in search of better food options.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting that the 51-year-old coach was slowly making his way across the vacant stands section by section, sources at the University of Michigan confirmed Thursday that Jim Harbaugh spent the entire day testing the view from every seat in the team’s stadium.

CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water.

ARLINGTON, VA—Noting that they are reproducing at an alarming and unprecedented rate, researchers from the National Science Foundation warned Friday that the planet cannot continue supporting the rapidly growing population of Gronkowskis.

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed.

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

CINCINNATI—Saying that the annual event feels incomplete without them, baseball fans across the nation expressed their outrage Tuesday after the Federal League was once again snubbed by the MLB All-Star Game.

LINCOLN, NE—According to a comprehensive new study published Wednesday by the University of Nebraska, the vast majority of Major League Baseball games are played between the Minnesota Twins and the Oakland Athletics.

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

MADISON, WI—Saying that he is constantly offering words of encouragement and various pointers on maintaining a proper stance, sources confirmed Tuesday that no one at Damen’s Sports Complex appears to know a middle-aged man leaning against the batting cages giving people hitting advice.

CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.

ATLANTA—Stressing that the small bit of housecleaning still needs to be addressed, Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez reportedly reminded his players Wednesday that he will be throwing out all unclaimed steroids left in the locker room refrigerator by the end of the day on Friday.

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Hoping to gain some insight from his incredible wealth of knowledge and experience, younger Minnesota Vikings players told reporters Friday that they have been picking running back Adrian Peterson’s brain during minicamp for helpful parenting advice.

UNIVERSITY PLACE, WA—Utterly overwhelmed by the thought of the planet’s surface containing such an unfathomable amount of the natural course obstacles, pro golfer Bubba Watson expressed both shock and fear Friday upon learning that approximately two-thirds of Earth is covered in water hazards.

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Moments after receiving their Super Bowl XLIX championship rings at team owner Robert Kraft’s home earlier this week, sources confirmed that New England Patriots players and coaches were horrified to find that the rings caused their fingers to instantly shrivel up and turn black.

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NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

NEW YORK—Noting that the rampant problem has devastated rosters across the league, representatives from the National Basketball Players Association demanded an increased referee presence in high-foul areas, sources confirmed Friday.

TAMPA, FL—In an effort to limit the number of opposing Chicago Blackhawks fans attending Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, officials from the Tampa Bay Lightning announced Friday that Amalie Arena will be restricting admission exclusively to patrons who weigh 300 pounds or less.

ZURICH—Following widespread complaints that teams in the Women’s World Cup have been forced to play on synthetic fields, officials from FIFA held a press conference Thursday advising players unhappy with the turf to spend more time in midair.

IOWA CITY, IA—According to a report released Wednesday by the University of Iowa, 87 percent of Americans are currently unaware that they have been selected in the later rounds of the 2015 Major League Baseball Draft.

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‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

SAGINAW, MI—In a journey that will take him thousands of miles across the country, local baseball fan Patrick Lund, 32, revealed to reporters Friday that he is currently attempting to visit the home of every single Major League Baseball player in a single season.

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that he had so much pent-up energy that he would likely remain wide awake until tip-off, Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard J.R. Smith told reporters Thursday that he was far too excited and nervous before Game 1 of the NBA Finals to sleep through head coach David Blatt’s locker room speech.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

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ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

ZURICH—Following a massive U.S. Department of Justice indictment alleging that high-ranking members of the global soccer organization conducted widespread financial fraud, sources confirmed Thursday that underpaid migrant laborers are currently working roughly 18 hours a day preparing FIFA’s legal defense.

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

WASHINGTON—Taking a brief moment to mentally prepare for any number of potentially disturbing or utterly heartbreaking stories, millions of Americans reportedly steeled themselves Wednesday before clicking on a news article about a 55-year-old former NFL player.

CHICAGO—Claiming that the franchise is now on the brink of finally achieving something truly great, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace expressed his confidence Tuesday that the team has the right pieces in place to trade quarterback Jay Cutler.

TAMPA BAY, FL—Noting that his phone’s voicemail has been almost single-handedly filled by the rookie quarterback, Tampa Bay Buccaneers general counsel David Cohen confirmed Friday that he has already received 26 missed calls from Jameis Winston.

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following the release of an independent investigation implicating him in the New England Patriots’ ball-deflation scandal, quarterback Tom Brady held a press conference Thursday during which he staunchly denied all allegations while repeatedly referring to himself as the “Golden Boy.”

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LOUISVILLE, KY—In one of the biggest tragedies to ever befall the 141-year-old event, more than a dozen spectators were reportedly injured and the Kentucky Derby was temporarily delayed Saturday after a pinwheeling, out-of-control horse crashed into the stands.

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ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline

BRISTOL, CT—In what is being called the biggest gaffe in the sports network's 30-year history, ESPN totally forgot to cover last week's Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers storyline.

Favre's legendary career with the Packers, which spanned 16 seasons, three MVP awards, and one Super Bowl title, was not mentioned even once during pregame coverage of the Monday night Packers-Vikings matchup or during the game itself. Records indicated that it wasn't until Wednesday—more than 48 hours after Favre led Minnesota to a dramatic 30-23 victory—that producers began to feel that they may have overlooked one of sports' most obvious storylines.

"I was looking at a newspaper, and it said, 'Favre Sacks Former Team,' and at that point I realized we really missed one," ESPN president George Bodenheimer told reporters. "I just want to apologize to our viewers. Had the Favre-Packers connection dawned on us sooner, fans could have enjoyed the same quality sports journalism they have come to expect from ESPN: driving storylines into the ground and exploiting every one of their subplots to the point of nausea."

ESPN news director Vince Doria said that if he or any of his colleagues had realized Favre would be playing against his former team, the network would have begun overhyping the week-four matchup the moment the quarterback signed with the Vikings. Instead, ESPN attempted to generate interest in the game by doing an extensive two-week profile on Vikings backup tight end Jim Kleinsasser.

"We kind of blew a golden opportunity," Doria said. "Endless explanations as to what Brett Favre meant to the city of Green Bay, restating over and over how he left the Packers on poor terms, and airing at least 50 segments featuring wild and irresponsible speculation about his motives for returning to the NFL. It would have been perfect."

"I only wish these two teams played again this year so we could have a chance to fix our mistake," Doria added.

Monday Night Football producer Jay Rothman also registered his disappointment, saying that the network could have asked, "Is Brett Favre seeking revenge on the Packers?" so many times that the words would have lost all meaning.

"Do you realize how often we could have shown a comparison graphic between [current Packers quarterback] Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre?" Rothman said. "And not just during the broadcast of the game, but on SportsCenter, NFL Primetime, Sunday NFL Countdown, NFL Live, SportsCenter Monday Kickoff, and Monday Night Countdown—not to mention during every single fucking 15-minute update on ESPNews."

"And ESPN.com," Rothman said. "My God, we could have used ESPN.com to really beat into the heads of America that Brett Favre still plays the game with childlike exuberance. And he's turning 40! We could have done so much with that, like mention it every 10 seconds."

Rothman admitted that an awareness of the Brett Favre storyline would have also given him the chance to air some of the most obvious and asinine statistics in the history of sports broadcasting, such as a graphic documenting how backup quarterbacks who replace departing Hall of Fame–bound quarterbacks have historically fared in the league.

"We messed up plain and simple," Rothman said. "Knowing what I know now, I would have started the broadcast with a highlight reel of Brett Favre's greatest moments with the Green Bay Packers just to set the tone that the night would be Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre. That would have made much more sense than opening with a discussion about the Vikings' new three-year naming rights agreement to call their stadium the Mall of America Field at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome."

"I'm still kicking myself because Jon Gruden didn't have a chance to share with America his very long, very uncomfortable anecdote about how he once sort of coached Favre," Rothman added.

Though employees continue to express regret over ESPN's lack of coverage, football fans across the nation generally seemed to enjoy the broadcast of Monday night's game.

"I think ESPN showed a lot of restraint," New York resident Dan Jeffery, 43, said. "I didn't need anyone to tell me Brett Favre was playing against his old team. Everyone and their mother knew that. I actually appreciated that they let the drama play out on the field."