God is Good - ALL THE TIME!
We were supposed to have a baby, but had an angel instead. It's all part of His grander plan - a plan that we may never fully understand, but we will take life a day at a time (sometimes moment at a time) and appreciate life in a new way.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mascara Alert!! This may make you cry - especially if you have lost a child or know me through MEND.

I woke up in tears this morning. Well, actually, I didn't want to wake up this morning. I was dreaming about AJ and I kept forcing myself back to sleep in hopes that I could hold him, kiss him and see his smile up close. In my sleep I failed to realize what was happening in the dream, but once I woke up, it was clear. Our 20 month old son was in my dream and out of my reach.

There was a reunion at a park with all of our MEND friends - among them were Rebekah and Byron (founders of MEND). The park was beautiful. Lush green, flowers everywhere, picnic tables, butterflies all around and a body of water that separated us from our children. I didn't realize it in the dream, but every time I tried to get close to AJ, the water was too deep and Byron would be beside me telling me "you can't cross, you can only watch"...but he said it with the biggest smile on his face. It was like he had been there many times and as if it was a treat to watch from afar. In my dream, I did not understand this and continued to try to cross that water.

At one point AJ fell - it must have been a bad fall because I recall saying "how can he 'almost' die if he is already dead?" (He was just fine.) The children were all ages...laughing and playing. I won't name all of the parents who were in my dream - must protect the innocent - but I can remember seeing all of our MEND friends - I assume the other children belonged to them. Either way - it was the most beautiful place and the children were all very happy.

In my dream all of the MEND parents were sitting around talking about our God moments surrounding our child's death. How in one way or another, God reassured them that their child rested in His arms safe and sound. For us, you may recall, it was the snow and the song on the day of AJ's funeral. There have been many other God moments for us throughout the last almost 21 months, but none have compared to that day.

So my question is this...Does God allows us to have dreams to give us glimpses of what will be? Or is it really like the Cinderella song I used to sing as a child, "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep..." Am I just wishing and having crazy pregnancy dreams?

We crossed a HUGE mile marker this week. We made it to the 20 week mark with this pregnancy. While each mile marker is a blessing and we don't take even one day for granted, if something happens to this child - we will be planning another funeral. The thought blows my mind, but it's now part of our reality. We don't dwell on the reality, but it is what it is. It's a simple - yet constant - reminder that life is so fragile and we are NOT in control of anything.

Dying no longer scares me. Part of our reality is that a small part of Al & I are already in heaven waiting. I'm not talking about just the physical part of us, but the spiritual and emotional part of us that died - or was born - with AJ. Spiritually - we have had great rebirth on many levels. Emotionally - a part of us is missing. And somehow - call it a God moment - that's ok.