10/26 DWTS 11 Results Recap: In Which Len Rocks My World

“I’m almost at a loss for words; this is ludicrous that these two – that one of these (couples) is going home is absolute nonsense. Now I know that the American people, the British, we like the underdog. But we like justice more! And there is no justice, these two being…it’s nonsense!” – Len Goodman, DWTS, 10/26/10

Did you feel that slap, America? Did it hurt? Good! But more on that later…

The BBC clouds look stormier than usual as the leader board is all shook up from Rock & Roll Week. And just to make sure we know it, Tom & Brooke dispense with the pleasantries and line up the three lowest-scoring couples to hear their results first:

Without warning, Bristol’s Hulk grimace from last night is repeated, leading into highlights of her not-good-but-not-as-not-good-as-usual paso with Mark. Since everyone seemed to be biting it last night, the judges decided to play along with the scores of phone banks still propping Palin up in this contest, and lavished praise on her marked improvement. The recap skips the marathon though, which is what landed this couple in the bottom three.

Kurt and Anna, Kurt and Anna, Kurt and Anna…the judges just didn’t see much worth saving from their paso, and I agree. Kurt refuses to stick both feet in the dancing pool, and it shows. Being a nice guy simply isn’t enough in the second half of the season.

There was no big blowup or painful moment in Jennifer & Derek’s rehearsal footage this week…so what happened? Derek was trying to keep Jen calm mere seconds before the music started, but then we witnessed a rare disaster on the dance floor involving a Hough. Both of them took turns jerking each other around the floor and tripping over their own feet. But there are no tears from this duo in the Kiss & Cry; they seem to be moving onward and upward.

We Know You Know, Just Act Like You Don’t Know, Y’Know?

Tom recaps the couples’ plights once more, and then Brooke announces that Kurt & Anna are safe. Then, as if to telegraph to the audience what is about to happen, Tom shushes the cheering crowd to make sure that they hear him say “Also safe to dance again next week…” Obviously this means a result is coming that completely defies logic: Bristol & Mark have been saved once more by autodialers who are probably watching Charlie Sheen as they work, while Jen & Derek must once again serve as jeopardy bait.

Showing that they were all expecting this outcome, Jen & Derek feign fainting while Anna runs over to fan them back to life. At least they can keep a sense of humor about everything. As can Len, who must be pleased that tonight’s results also exonerate him for choosing Bristol & Mark to perform the encore dance. The Purple Pair perform almost as well as last night, but it doesn’t count this time so no harm, no foul.

Tom’s next hosting gig: 1 vs. 100 Hollywood Squares

After a break, we are promised a performance by classic rock group Heart, which fills me with fear, since I love them and didn’t even know they were still together! How great to see (and hear) that they still sound phenomenal. They rip through a quick version of “Barracuda” as Louis van Amstel leads an all-star roster of pro dancers through a rock-fueled paso that dwarfs any of the others we've seen this week. And look, there’s Damien, making his first return appearance since his debut with Pam Anderson last season! He’s still knee-high to a boll-weevil, and his chest is still smooth as Baby Palin’s behind! For a few precious moments, all’s right with the world tonight. Filler Nutritional Value: 10! (out of 10)

We got yer Rock & Roll Paso right here!

Hey, it’s time for Brooke to interview Kyle, and for us to start our stopwatches to time how many seconds it takes Lacey to crawl out of the frame in embarrassment! CLICK! Seven seconds – that’s a new record! Congratulations, kids! Brooke then grabs a ladder and talks to Rick, who talks about the stress of performing next week for former contestants who are serving as guest judges as part of the show’s 200th episode festivities. By the way, he and Cheryl are dancing to a song that one of the former contestants already used. Oops! Brooke instructs them to run to the stage to line up for their results while they’re all still on camera. She’s still mastering the finer points of this “TV host” thing. Recap time!

That’s When I Fell For the Middle of the Pack

Despite their occasional missteps (excuse me, Kyle’s missteps, as Lacey points out), Kyle & Lacey acquitted themselves nicely this week. Faux-hawked Rick is pumped up by his pro just before the music starts, and despite the chance that he may be arrested for assault for their ending, he and Cheryl could have done a lot worse.

Tom & Brooke are ready to lower the ax, and this time Rick & Cheryl are spared the blade. But Kyle & Lacey must join Jen & Derek in limbo.

Our first video segment continues to beat the Rock & Roll theme into the ground, because that horse is still twitching! Fairly lifelike facsimiles of Bret Michaels, Alice Cooper, and Dee Snider all offer fairly lucid analysis of the remaining couples, as we view quick-cuts of the more exciting moments from their dances. Tom is visibly tickled to have witnessed Alice Cooper giving ballroom dancing tips on his watch. Filler Nutritional Value: 8

It’s Not Your Dad’s High School Musical

It turns out the hordes of kids spilling out of the scaffolding on the south end of the dance floor serve a purpose: they are the performers for tonight’s Macy’s Stars of Dance segment. Powerhouse, the “New Directions” of a nearby Burbank high school, along with dancers and musicians from School of Rock, crank out a high-energy medley of “School’s Out” and “We Will Rock You.” It’s pretty impressive; in fact it’s making me forget the “Rocky Horror” episode of Glee I just watched an hour ago. Filler Nutritional Value: 8

Lea Michele was not harmed in the making of this production.

Before we return to the grind of actual results, Tom & Brooke have one more filler trick up their sleeve: out of nowhere appears Kylie Minogue (and her band, and lots of backup dancers holding chairs) to perform her new single “Get Out of My Way.” The number is cutting edge…for 1990, since it resembles the staging of Madonna’s “Keep It Together” which closed her tour film Truth or Dare. Filler Nutritional Value: 5

Second Place Never Felt So Bad

Signaling an end to the parade of aging pop stars, Tom throws the show to Brooke, who interviews this week’s high-scorers, Audrina and Brandy. Scores aside, Audrina was hurt by the judges’ harsh remarks this week, while Brandy admits to finally understanding that she needs to calm down and listen to Maks for things to go smoothly.

Back in Recap-land, we see Brandy’s words in action, as she and Maks burn the floor with their paso, and then actually celebrate their achievement together afterward with no drama! Those BBC clouds aren’t raining on everyone this week. Oh wait, spoke too soon – there’s poor Audrina, who seemed to work harder than ever this week, but whose efforts were rewarded with raspberries from Len. Coupled with a too-early exit from the marathon, Audrina has reason to shed a few tears in the Kiss & Cry as Tony provides some quiet comfort.

Night of Too Many Stars

Before a break, we are teased about next week’s 200th episode spectacular: Helio, Kelly-O, Gilles, Mel B, Drew, and Emmitt will serve as guest judges as former champs Kristi & Apolo lead the current cast in a group dance. Also performing will be Rod Stewart (yay!) and Taylor Swift (awww). No word yet on whether Master P or Macy Gray have RSVP’d.

Back to the results! No wait, it’s time for the weekly video clip where the stars get all serious and talk about how tired they are and how the pressure is so much worse now than when they talked about it last week. Enough with these, already! Filler Nutritional Value: Zero

Finally, Audrina & Tony and Brandy & Maks, who have probably worn out the floor beneath them by now, hear their results. Brandy is safe! This means that 2nd-place Audrina is in jeopardy. Bristol’s organized fanbase is about to take out another innocent victim.

The Hills are alive…no wait

Kyle, Audrina and Jennifer each line up for execution. Brooke announces that Kyle & Lacey are safe, and Tom is quick to tell the remaining couples that they are not necessarily the bottom two. This is good thinking on Tom’s part, as it probably prevented a riot from breaking out.

Then, Tom asks the judges for their thoughts on losing either Jen or Audrina. Bruno suddenly forgets everything he’s said all season, and registers shock. Carrie Ann offers some heartfelt words about the loss that the show will feel either way. And then, Len takes the floor and gives the speech that is quoted at the top of this article. Once a season or so, Len gets to call out the show for relying so heavily on fan votes, and how this practice can turn an entire season upside-down (like it’s about to right now). Cheers to Len for vocalizing what so many people think, and to the show for letting Len express it out loud.

All of this offers little comfort to Audrina & Tony, who are shown the door. Clearly nobody in that studio wants to see them go, as Tom asks a numb Audrina for her thoughts before introducing her & Tony’s Memory Lane clip package. Then, the defeated couple takes the floor one last time, as the other couples flock to them with hugs (unlike two weeks ago) while they eke out a few last steps together.

Adios, Semi-Scripted Reality TV Star Audrina, whose show I never watched. Hopefully you will not have been sacrificed in vain.

Re: 10/26 DWTS 11 Results Recap: In Which Len Rocks My World

Thanks for the recap!

Fairly lifelike facsimiles of Bret Michaels, Alice Cooper, and Dee Snider all offer fairly lucid analysis of the remaining couples, as we view quick-cuts of the more exciting moments from their dances.