So, for any of you who don’t or haven’t spent as much time reading blogs and tumblrs about OKC, there’s this bizarre phenomenon where guys wear fedoras in their profile pictures, claim to be nice guys, and then act like complete jackasses, either in their profile responses, their questions, or in the nasty things they say to women who reject them. They are also a lot like what are often referred to as NiceGuys (TM). I don’t know what the correlation is with the fedoras, if there is some sort of chemical infused in them that leaks into guys’ brains and makes them awful people, but it’s pretty consistently true that the guys who wear them, and who use OKC, are asshats. So I cam across this charming profile-visitor today.

First off, his username is a reference to marijuana. Something about a “dab”, which I had to look up. It’s some sort of extreme, high quality pot. He also mentions dabs as one of the six things he couldn’t live without. Honestly, I don’t have a really strong opinion about pot. I don’t think it’s very dangerous, as long as people are smart about it and don’t drive after smoking it, but it shouldn’t rule your life. I feel similarly when people have main profile pictures where they’re very obviously holding a six pack. If this is the first impression you want to give off, booze or weed are way too important in your life.

And here’s his self summary:

I am looking for a serious monogamous relationship

(In his questions, he expresses serious interest in three ways. If you want to do this in an open relationship, and your partner(s) agree to it, fine. But I don’t think this fits what most people think of as monogamous relationships)

I enjoy traveling, BBQ, relaxing at the inlet on a cool night, trying all different types of cuisines, occasional city visits, I will try anything just about once. I love to cook all different things and it would be great if you did too! I’m pretty easy going, not looking for any drama or bs. No games played here or wanted. I’d rather talk to you then dump my life story here. I’m the nice guy that won’t send you dick picks or ask to have sex on the first email hahaha. I’ll never understand those losers!

(Stop telling us how nice and easy going you are, guys, and how willing you are to try things. It doesn’t make you sound interesting, and often isn’t true. Try showing us instead. Also, stop telling us how much you hate drama. Men and women are equally guilty of causing drama. But most importantly…don’t mention dick picks. Just don’t. Women don’t want to think about that when reading your profiles. I hope our standards are higher than just “doesn’t send dick picks” and “doesn’t proposition us in the first message”)

What I’m doing with my life:

Figuring out my next move.. The future, wil I ever actually find someone serious on here

What I’m good at: I’m a techie, the guy who fixes your phone when you’re to lazy to use google haha

(Yup, following up your insult to women with a “haha” totally negates it!)

An, oh, the questions…

Straight women who kiss or fondle each other in clubs in the hopes of attracting men are…

Incredibly hot!

(I have a feeling that the strict monogamous girlfriend you are seeking might not be a huge fan of this? Okay, now remember how his guy describes himself as nice?)

How do you feel about government-subsidized food programs (free lunch, food stamps, etc.)?

Never – Get a job

(It’s super easy these days, too, so you should totally yell at anyone who struggles to find one, and make it impossible to support themselves while they do)

What’s your relationship with marijuana?

I smoke occasionally.Get over it, you get shit faced st a bar, I don’t

(Assume much? No, I don’t get “shit-faced”, at a bar or otherwise. Do I drink? Yeah, sometimes. Plenty of women don’t, or don’t drink enough to get shit-faced. And women are allowed to not like pot smokers if they so choose)

Do you litter?

Often

(Really? First of all, I think you’d actually have to put effort in to litter often. You’d have to walk around with all sorts of trash in your pockets, throw shit on the ground, and say, “yeah, suck it, earth! I don’t care about you, and I want you to know it!” And what is he hoping to prove with this? That he’s proud of littering?)

I prefer to sleep…

Alone

(Okay, if you have a sleep disorder or some other condition that makes it difficult or impossible to sleep in the same bed as a partner, this is acceptable. But if that’s the case, you should either explain that, or leave this question blank. I can’t imagine that a lot of OKC users who are looking for monogamous relationships are hoping for a guy who would sleep in a separate bed/room/apartment all the time. At least, not in the long run.)

Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?

YesIt’s not even a question. No hair except your head!

(Yay! Another guy dictating what women should do with their bodies! So NICE!)

Do you believe that men should be the heads of their households?

Yes

If you turn a left-handed glove inside out, it fits…

On my left hand

In the line “Wherefore art thou Romeo?,” what does “wherefore” mean?

Who cares / wtf?

STALE is to STEAL as 89475 is to…

89754

Would the world be a better place if people with low IQs were not allowed to reproduce?

Yes

(Um…you see the problem here, right?)

Do you have a problem with racist jokes?

NoLove them

This guy sounds like a total catch. He enjoys racist jokes, wants to get rid of people who are as dumb as he is, enjoys littering, will tell you how to groom yourself (by the way – does this mean you can’t have arm hair, either???) , and he will be judgmental about your drinking habits before he even knows what they are! I just can’t figure out why he can’t find a girlfriend with this profile. I mean, really, he sounds like the type of guy who really respects women. And the earth. And people in general.

Next up: some helpful tips for new users/folks who don’t know what they’re doing in the online dating world!