so, these past 4 weeks have been quite shitty. i started in therapy again just over a month ago (which is really great!), but damn it's hard. basically, i'm not doing as well as i thought. i seem to have developed a drinking problem during the summer. i am trying to deal with it and it's not too serious, but i definitely have to take care of it now in order for it not to escalate. my eating haven't been too good. i'm broke, which means i can't really buy all of those expensive foods i used to when i had a hard time eating, and i don't have time to cook very often, so i often end up eating bread or nothing and then something really unhealthy. which i also need to take care of, in order for it not to escalate, because regular eating is so important for me to be functional.and i have developed this crazy self esteem issue which basically means i have this sick need for guys to tell me that i am beautiful and pay a lot of attention to me, like A LOT, in order to not feel like shiitake. which has resulted in me having sex with random strangers because how else would i feel okay? i feel silly writing it out, but i know that the next time i feel like crepe i will want the distraction from my real feelings. and i don't want to distract myself, i want my real feelings to be okay.i suspect this will not happen in the same way, now that i try to stay away from alcohol, but it has made me feel really shitty. and i have been a real bisque the past few times i've been drunk. like, unforgiveably evil to random people. and i am not okay with that. no one are mad or anything, but i feel like crepe. where is this person coming from? it's not who i am or want to be.i am losing focus in school and i really really want to do well, but i'm behind on everything. and my SAD has kicked in big time. and last weekend some people found me on facebook that were not supposed to find me at all, which means that i can't just walk around alone at night anymore, without paying a lot of attention to everything around me. i don't even know how to place this in my head. i just really don't want to get anxiety again. it scares the hell out of me. maybe it's nothing, but it's got potential to be something really scary.and i texted this guy i sort of like and have sort of liked since june about maybe feeling something for him, and he just completely ignored me. which means it will be really awkward from now on. and i react really badly to rejection. and i am trying to deal with it, and considering i am not completely crushed about it, i should feel okay, but it takes up so much energy.

i am dealing with all of this, and i know what i have to do, but damn. it's hard stuff. and i just had to put it somewhere.

aaand to top it all off, someone stole the front wheel to my bike last night. and i can't afford a new one. so now i have no bike and i can't afford to get to school by bus every day. so i am hoping for a miracle there.

i'd love some positive, supportive comments or ideas or something. because positivity is awesome and inspiring. i am not in a super bad place, and i am dealing with stuff so no need to worry, i just had. to. rant.hugs, please?

You've had so many changes Smoothie! There isn't a timetable to feeling better (I know that isn't a helpful thing to say, but it is something I keep reminding myself).

It sounds like you have reached a lot of self-awareness of many issues, and that is a HUGE, scary big step. You will get where you want to be.

In the meantime, lots of hugs. <3

I agree with lavawitch (I'll keep this short and simple cause I'm on a airport computer)

With therapy things sometimes first become "worse" because the partly covered up problems get exposed, then start working on it and things (slowly, step by step, issue by issue) improve.This can take (quite) some time.

Oh girl, I feel for ya big time. I can relate to a lot of the things you wrote about. I've been in therapy for about 2-3 months for anxiety/self-esteem/why-am-I-a-bitch-all-the-time-for-no-reason stuff. It's rough, I tell ya. But I've been working hard because I'm sick of living this way! I don't want to be this approval-seeking self loather anymore!

And I'm just not open to the idea meds right now. So I know I'll have to work extra hard in order to overcome these thought patterns that have been "the norm" for me for 32 years.

BUT...things HAVE been getting better for me! Bit by bit. So please hang in there!! I've got faith that things will get better for you, too! Don't give up! (And please give yourself a little more credit, you're freaking gorgeous!!)

Phew. That's a lot of shittake to be dealing with. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. *hugs*

I've personally been therapy for roughly a third of my life trying to deal with issues and developmental disorders stemming from my past, sexual molestation, verbal/mental/physical abuse and the way I was raised. I get better and then I relapse, almost giving into those familiar ways of living. But it CAN get better. It's painful and it's forking frustrating and it feels like there is no way out but I know if I keep trying, I'll be able to conquer all of the bullshittake and move the fork on with my life.

The hardest part for me is facing the pain. Before knowing and admitting I was a user and abuser [of food, of cocaine, of alcohol], I would indulge, get forked up beyond recognition and I burned A LOT of bridges and hurt almost everyone I cared about to the point where they will never speak to me again for the rest of my life. But the fact that you're TRYING and that you SEE what you're doing and you don't like it, that speaks wonders of your courage.

If anything, I think there's such a supportive community here [that I just happened upon right as the new boards went up] that I find myself smiling about from one thing or another posted here every day. This is a positive place. This is a good place for you to be. Message me if you need someone to talk to :)

I always feel weird doing therapy because I never really get in when I'm in a crisis point, I always book therapy appointments when I've poked my head above the waters of all the shiitake I let overwhelm me and am ready to do some work. But really that's when I need the most help, because I'm aware that I'll get sucked under if I don't do anything. I'm in that stage right now and it sounds like you're not far away from it either.

Smoothie, you are awesome. Your insight and sweetness show through in all your posts and you deal with crazy shiitake that would floor anyone and yet you're still keeping on. That counts for more than just something.

<3

_________________http://seraphsong.blogspot.com/Guilty of Being Sprite - They're probably just waiting for the camera egg to hatch, which would then create a much larger camera they'd quickly find.

awwww smoothie. you are stronger than you can even imagine. i wish you the best.i'm not sure if you are looking for support or advice but it might be worth it to find some sort of hobby that boosts your self efficacy in a way that doesn't focus on your looks or size? i know you have a fashion blog which toes the line but if your aesthetic view point can give you power in a way your looks do it might be beneficial?

That is so so much to have to deal with all at once. It sounds like you are doing far far better than you realise. I know that facing up to your problems is painful, but you sound like you're managing it incredibly well. I'm certain you will get through this and be stronger for it.

I'll just echo what others have said; with all the major changes you've been negotiating these last 6 months, it would be kind of amazing if you didn't go slightly off the rails. That said, I know you've been through worse than this and come out the other side with flying colors (and with your basic optimism intact); in the future this difficult period will just be another of the dark patches we all have to get through from time to time. I'm glad you're in therapy, and that you're well aware of the things you need to address and work on; that puts you way ahead of many people! Hang in there, keep checking in with yourself, and remember that while you are obviously beautiful on the outside, you are also - and more importantly - beautiful on the inside, and lots of people love you, believe in you, and have confidence that you will be just fine! <3

Girl! You are fabulous, really, really fabulous! There is no such thing as being 'bad' at therapy, it is a process. As an anecdote: not that long ago, I was at the stage where I would have to go at least once a fortnight or risk breaking down, this year I've seen her maybe three times! You will get there.Like everyone has said, you have been through so much already in your life and had huge changes happen recently, you are doing really well! Remember that you have to be comfortable in yourself before you can be truly comfortable with a man, you wont find that self-esteem you are looking for by trying to hear it from them. <3

I'll just echo what others have said; with all the major changes you've been negotiating these last 6 months, it would be kind of amazing if you didn't go slightly off the rails. That said, I know you've been through worse than this and come out the other side with flying colors (and with your basic optimism intact); in the future this difficult period will just be another of the dark patches we all have to get through from time to time. I'm glad you're in therapy, and that you're well aware of the things you need to address and work on; that puts you way ahead of many people! Hang in there, keep checking in with yourself, and remember that while you are obviously beautiful on the outside, you are also - and more importantly - beautiful on the inside, and lots of people love you, believe in you, and have confidence that you will be just fine! <3

I think Desdemona said it perfectly. And remember that whenever you need some positive thoughts, you've got us at the PPK to give you **hugs** and show you pictures of cute animals.**hugs**

today have been way way better. when the sun is out i feel fine. it's so stupid. the SAD makes everything 100x worse. but hung out with the ex today, he had a bag of organic fruits and a picture of Totoro for me, and invited me out for sushi. and my friend called me earlier to just tell me she was happy and wanted to share her happiness. i love my friends. and school wasn't all that bad either. i feel a little lonely there, but it's getting better.and you know what? apparantly the school is closed from dec 10 - jan 11! that's one month of vacation for me!

The drinking will get you if you don't address it directly. Get to an addictions support group in addition to your therapy and be totally honest with your therapist about how much you are drinking. Make sure you have a crisis line number and use it when you feel down or if you are tempted to do something that you will regret. If you really can't cope, go to the hospital emergency room. Don't try to tough it out on your own, you need physical contact with supportive people. I wish you the best.

I don't have anything new to add; you've already gotten some great advice. I just want to send you a hug and say I'm sorry things are all piling on you at once. I'm also glad you've got some people nearby looking out for you too.

This is just the dark part before the dawn. You're going to be better than okay!