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03 January 2014

Blue is the Kattiest Color

Have I mentioned that Facebook thinks my dog is a lesbian?

They keep putting ads like this on the side of her page (Tallulah Gardens, should you want to friend-request her or go on a girl date). I wonder what Talu did to give them a lez vibe. No, you're welcome for the word "lez." Eighth grade called and wants its phrase back.

She even got a very tempting one that said Lesbian Katty had looked at her profile, and first of all, could Lesbian Katty's parents have picked a more decisive name? "Our daughter is gonna like her the ladies. If it's the last thing we do." Why not Doctor Katty or World Leader Katty and let her figure out who she likes later? My point is, Lesbian Katty better watch her step, because Tallulah will hump a cat with zero hesitation. So I hope Lesbian Katty is ready for hump day.

Anyway. If Talu is a lez, she really ought to tell me, because more than once on here I've had her lust for large male black Labs, and guess who may be projecting?

Oh, hey. How are you?

My pal the Naughty Professor FINALLY sent me pictures from the New Year's party, and what I like about myself is my gratitude, and once again my loving kindness.

I love this one not only because we've made a Naughty Pro sandwich (you should've seen us AFTER the party! Rrrrrow!), and not only because The Poet, NPro and I all look cute as BUTTONS, but mostly because Marty Martin is back there looking suicidal. This was probably after he got The World's Most Disturbing Tarot Reading. I'd be glum, too.

Naughty Professor also got a better shot of me trying to burn our resolutions, and could I have been more obsessed with that idea?"Gee, June, it's kind of...chilly, and [seeing June's nutbar determined face] ...okay..."

Note my right foot is swollen, a thing I haven't even told you about, and here it is day 159 of my return and I said I'd catch you up on just everything and all I've done is dwell on this party and my dog reverse-cowgirl-scissoring some woman.

Ned and I, on Thanksgiving, went to a movie called Blue is the Warmest Color, a love story about two girls, and when it was over, Ned said, "That movie actually put me off girl-on-girl action for awhile." It was a ludicrous movie. There is a TEN MINUTE lesbian sex scene, and the best thing of all is someone thought to go out and ask actual lesbians to review the scene and give their thoughts, and they all agreed the reverse cowgirl scissor position is not really a thing women do. I would not know this because I enjoy the mens, and I'm glad they told me because every time I met gay women I'd be picturing her doing just that.

Obviously, this video is not remotely safe for work. You will be immediately fired if you watch this.

Oh my god, I am unable to get off of lesbians today.

Look at what an excellent manfriend Ned is, trying to assist June in her folly. He even set down his drink!

And what nu yeer would be complete without making one of my dogs sport the hat? edz not effen no what a yeer be.

So there you go. I may finally be done recapping that dang party.

My high school boyfriend Cardinal went out one snowy night with our friend Dave, and they somehow ended up drinking whiskey and snow. For some reason this was the pinnacle of Cardinal's life. I say this because anyone who knows him will say, "Oh, yeah, the night he drank whiskey and snow. Yeah, he told me about that." It's his favorite story. "Hey, I'm Cardinal, nice to meet you, sorry for your loss. The service was lovely. Once I drank whiskey and snow."

That's going to be me and this party. It'll be my whiskey and snow. Do you have a whiskey and snow story? Is everyone over you? There is also in my family a running joke about how Bob and Lana got a pool. For awhile, it was all anyone ever mentioned. "Did I tell you Bob and Lana got a pool?" "Hey, did you hear? Bob and Lana got a pool." So now, if you've told someone something multiple times, they'll say, "Yes, June, I know. And Bob and Lana got a pool."

Maybe I'm the only one that gets directed at. Maybe others tell a story once and that's it.

Comments

Blue is the Kattiest Color

Have I mentioned that Facebook thinks my dog is a lesbian?

They keep putting ads like this on the side of her page (Tallulah Gardens, should you want to friend-request her or go on a girl date). I wonder what Talu did to give them a lez vibe. No, you're welcome for the word "lez." Eighth grade called and wants its phrase back.

She even got a very tempting one that said Lesbian Katty had looked at her profile, and first of all, could Lesbian Katty's parents have picked a more decisive name? "Our daughter is gonna like her the ladies. If it's the last thing we do." Why not Doctor Katty or World Leader Katty and let her figure out who she likes later? My point is, Lesbian Katty better watch her step, because Tallulah will hump a cat with zero hesitation. So I hope Lesbian Katty is ready for hump day.

Anyway. If Talu is a lez, she really ought to tell me, because more than once on here I've had her lust for large male black Labs, and guess who may be projecting?

Oh, hey. How are you?

My pal the Naughty Professor FINALLY sent me pictures from the New Year's party, and what I like about myself is my gratitude, and once again my loving kindness.

I love this one not only because we've made a Naughty Pro sandwich (you should've seen us AFTER the party! Rrrrrow!), and not only because The Poet, NPro and I all look cute as BUTTONS, but mostly because Marty Martin is back there looking suicidal. This was probably after he got The World's Most Disturbing Tarot Reading. I'd be glum, too.

Naughty Professor also got a better shot of me trying to burn our resolutions, and could I have been more obsessed with that idea?"Gee, June, it's kind of...chilly, and [seeing June's nutbar determined face] ...okay..."

Note my right foot is swollen, a thing I haven't even told you about, and here it is day 159 of my return and I said I'd catch you up on just everything and all I've done is dwell on this party and my dog reverse-cowgirl-scissoring some woman.

Ned and I, on Thanksgiving, went to a movie called Blue is the Warmest Color, a love story about two girls, and when it was over, Ned said, "That movie actually put me off girl-on-girl action for awhile." It was a ludicrous movie. There is a TEN MINUTE lesbian sex scene, and the best thing of all is someone thought to go out and ask actual lesbians to review the scene and give their thoughts, and they all agreed the reverse cowgirl scissor position is not really a thing women do. I would not know this because I enjoy the mens, and I'm glad they told me because every time I met gay women I'd be picturing her doing just that.

Obviously, this video is not remotely safe for work. You will be immediately fired if you watch this.

Oh my god, I am unable to get off of lesbians today.

Look at what an excellent manfriend Ned is, trying to assist June in her folly. He even set down his drink!

And what nu yeer would be complete without making one of my dogs sport the hat? edz not effen no what a yeer be.

So there you go. I may finally be done recapping that dang party.

My high school boyfriend Cardinal went out one snowy night with our friend Dave, and they somehow ended up drinking whiskey and snow. For some reason this was the pinnacle of Cardinal's life. I say this because anyone who knows him will say, "Oh, yeah, the night he drank whiskey and snow. Yeah, he told me about that." It's his favorite story. "Hey, I'm Cardinal, nice to meet you, sorry for your loss. The service was lovely. Once I drank whiskey and snow."

That's going to be me and this party. It'll be my whiskey and snow. Do you have a whiskey and snow story? Is everyone over you? There is also in my family a running joke about how Bob and Lana got a pool. For awhile, it was all anyone ever mentioned. "Did I tell you Bob and Lana got a pool?" "Hey, did you hear? Bob and Lana got a pool." So now, if you've told someone something multiple times, they'll say, "Yes, June, I know. And Bob and Lana got a pool."

Maybe I'm the only one that gets directed at. Maybe others tell a story once and that's it.