Thursday, February 25, 2016

While filling out paperwork the other day, I was made
painfully aware of the fact that I am already ¾ of the way through my 40th
year. Yikes! Leading up to 40, I had put a lot of pressure on the birthday.
There were things I wanted very much to be able to say I had accomplished.
Things I planned to do for myself, like my birthday celebration On Planning My Own.Then there was the one that was intended not to mark 40, but to
carry me forward from there. The learnings, the insights, the promises and the
ambitions. I had thought long and hard about making 40 pledges to myself – my
gift to myself and myself alone. No pressure!

I set out very intentionally. They needed to be realistic
but aspirational. They needed to reflect the real me and where I am in my life.
They needed to be sunshine, silver lining and a few kicks in the ass. There
needed to be things I could consider daily and others that were bigger, more
global and long term. My self-esteem has taken a beating over the last few
years, so they needed to avoid adding to that. Then there was the question of
whether or not they made it on paper. Are they kept in my mind? Written down?
Said out loud? Oh my – published?

On a daily basis I am reminded that I could be better, do
better and feel better so that seemed like a good place to start, right? As the
mom of two tween girls, my number one job is to make sure that my girls have
self-respect. Yes, there’s feeding, clothing and loving, too. I assure you
though, as I look back at the best lesson I got from my own mother it was that
“I was the boss of me.” No one could force me to drink or do drugs, no one
could coerce me into thinking that sex was no big deal or to jump off the
bridge because everyone else was. Of course I struggled, like all teens. But I
trusted my parents to be true to their word – they would be there NO MATTER
WHAT and I was the boss of me.

It’s a lesson even as divorced parents, I know my ex and I
are on the same page about. We might go about it differently, but the take away
for my kids is the same. So I started there and 40 pledges later I ended.

1.I will stop beating myself
up. The world will do it enough for me.

2.I will eat cheesecake, it
makes me happy.

3.I will listen to hear and
not to respond.

4.I will breathe before I
scream. If I must scream, I will open the door to the basement and scream until
I can’t breathe.

5.I will kiss my children
every time I say hello and goodbye.

6.I will say I love you
without hesitation. By now I am a good judge of who has earned that.

7.I will mean what I say and
say what I mean.

8.I will listen to my mommy
and always do my best work, clean up after myself, be the boss of me and
believe that I can.

9.I will listen to my daddy
and smell the roses, think hard, love harder and be silly.

10.I will listen to my
children as they teach me how they need to be themselves, how fast time really
passes, the importance of family dinner, bedtime cuddles and that being a mom
is equal parts holding on and letting go. Helicopter who?

11.I will let myself feel even
when it scares the shit out of me.

12.I will be open and honest
about the things that make me, me.

13.I will fight tooth and nail
against injustice, even when it makes me unpopular.

14.I will be willing to be
wrong and say so.

15.I will be willing to learn,
to see and to absorb from those who know more or differently than I do.

16.I will eat cheesecake, it
makes me happy.

17.I will be willing to give
up even when I don’t want to, when it becomes clear that that is the only
choice.

18.I will learn from my
mistakes and avoid making them again. When I screw up and make the same mistake
again, I will be gentle with myself.

19.I will love with 100% of
myself. It is the only way I know how.

20.I will be generous with my
time, my resources and my energy.

21.I will forgive those who
hurt me, wronged me and spoke ill of me. Unless it had to do with my kids and
in that case, they are dead to me.

22.I will work hard.

23.I will play hard.

24.I will travel more.

25.I will give up certain
dreams if it’s for the greater good of my family.

26.I will be grateful.

27.I will have a lot of sex.
It too makes me happy.

28.I will smile a real smile
in pictures and worry less about how I look.

29.I will take care of my
body.

30.I will eat better (except
for cheesecake, obviously).

31.I will exercise my body and
my mind and embrace activities that do both at the same time (like sex).

32.I will honor those I have
lost in the last few years. Each of them took a part of me with them when they
left and that is ok.

33.I will laugh. Loudly. Loud
enough to embarrass my children and to fill my soul with the light only
laughter can.

34.I will put myself first
when I can. When I can’t, I will eat cheesecake.

35.I will guard my heart less,
knowing that means I’m likely to get hurt. If I don’t, I will miss humans and
experiences that will change my entire being.

36.I will refuse to be labeled
or defined by ANYONE but me and I will teach my daughters the same.

37.I will dance. Sometimes
nothing in the world feels as good (well…maybe cheesecake).

38.I will learn new things on
a regular basis and make them part of my being.

39.I will read. For work, for
pleasure, for my children. It doesn’t matter. I simply love to read.