Monday, March 29, 2004

i hate these "i feel ugly/stupid" days.

i suppose it's due to my riding the crimson tide. it's really horrid this month. the cramps are really killer and they don't really fade away. at it's best, they linger in a really annoying way. hah, it rhymes!

ergh, and i really hate my mood swings. i know it's completely unfair for those around me to endure them. one moment i'm hyperactive and all yibber-yabber and the next, i become this sullen, snarly person.
actually, this happens a lot already on normal days but it really becomes worse when i'm hormonally unstable as well.
it's quite funny how i can suddenly go all Hyde. what happens is a certain rather neutral thought catches a snag on my brain and i dwell on it and the more i do, the more negative it warps.

i am muchos pathetic, no?

and the thing is in my dark periods, i consciously KNOW that i have no right to behave so childishly and that i should probably kick myself in the arse. i KNOW that all i am is being immature and petty and then i can't stand myself.

so what's today's point of depression? see title.

well, yeah! i know it' so typical teen angst and its eye-roll inducing because it's not like im DUMB and/or butt-ugly. how is it possible then that i so sincerely feel so?

Saturday, March 27, 2004

it's ruined.

i googled Rodrigo Santoro aka Karl and my life is now over.

i've seen to many photos of him NOT being karl.

all i see are photos of him looking sex godly in a hulking testosterone model kind of way.
him as a surfer.
him as a model.
him on the red carpet beaming as the cameras flash.
him being everything but karl.

i want Karl.

i just don't think i can think of him as Karl anymore. From now on, he'll just be another good-looking macho model.

oh the tragedy of it all!

i need to get the vcd. other than the fact that i really do love the movie, it shall remind me of my Ideal, Perfect and Impossible Man.

i rented the vcd yesterday because my mudder's been wanting to watch it for eons but hasn't been able to catch it. she adores Hugh Grant. [and co-incidentally, doesn't like Colin Firth because he was the Good Guy and made Hugh look like a complete arse in Bridget Jones].

so ANYWAYS, watching it for the second time round really brought me back to memories of Our Day At Bugis With the Big Fountain.

*sighs*

like you know at the point when Kiera Knightley finds out her husband's best friend is in love with her and he walks out of his house and Dido starts playing? i could actually hear andrea singing along like she did that day.
and when Karl and that girl was about to get it on, it flashed to me how bern popped her head over to where i was sitting and said "pass me a bucket to drool in!" and how haz and vince were all looking ratherdejected at how we were swooning.
and of course the cooing out of certain people when Alan Rickman and Colin Firth came on screen.

*sighs* happier days.

times like these, i'm really glad for my photographic memory. i really..[i dont think there's a replacement for this sappy and puke-inducing word] treasure the snippets of happy days and good times that i've managed to capture.

like the time we were at the Youth Park playing Dare-Dare and that guy mooned us. i was recounting the experience to my friends and i realized i didn't remember how he left us because we were laughing too hard.
*sniffles*
_________________
back to the topic:

i managed to catch nuances of the movie that i missed the first time round because i was just having too much fun laughing and just being happy.
i noticed the contrast of atmospheres when scenes changed and all things that are taken note off in literature.
i noticed the beautiful, dignified, quiet pain and brilliant acting when emma thompson found out she was being cheated on by SNAPE no less!
i noticed the gorgeous Kiera Knightley sounding so silly and so clueless when she said "i look quite prettay." when she was watching the video of her wedding.
and i appreciated the silent agony of the best friend guy even more.

and who can forget Karl? he is after all, the Ultimate Sex God. i of course, notice the subtler nuances of his sex god-liness; his glasses. yes, his spectacles.

he looked good in the office and all what with him lugging the poster-tube thing around..but i forgot nearly all of it after watching him without his clothes on.[hello? who wouldn't? lol] this time around, i noticed how he kept on pushing up his wire-rim glasses and i didn't realize it then but geez, it really added to his sexiness. it adds this tinge of vulnerablity that reduces me to a puddle of izyanti.

i'm shamelessly lusting after you Karl! not the actor but you Karl, i want to make you miney-miney-MINE.

it was so hot.

honestly, his glasses-pushing habit was even sexier than him nearly naked. hrm, maybe it's just me.

maybe i just have a thing for cute guys with a slightly geeky edge. sure, i may go 'woah' at the swaggering, cocky guys but it's the geeks my heart belongs to!! =D

like there was at this one time last year i had this heee-uge crush on this guy and he one day changed his glasses and i was one of the only ones who noticed. i suppose it wasnt /that/ significant a change [from navy wire-rims to black ones] but I noticed! lol, i kept staring at them that day.
--how embarrassing--

i think i'll like to add why i was so worked up over not studying for my test.

usually, i'm quite cool with stuff like that. or at least, i used to. half the time, i never studied for tests, and then the ones i studied for - i always flunked them anyway.

but this year, i've been PASSING. i've actually been ddoing decently well for my chemistry.

and the mere thought of failing, of doing badly for a test scares me. it scares the SHIT outta me. i didn't want to flunk.

it became a mantra in my head. the thought of seeing a red mark and my teacher's disappointed face after all the encouraging smiles i've been receiving was petrifying.

i was deathly afraid that if i failed this one, it would be the end. i would fall back into my old pattern of flunking every test. i didn't want to go back to my old ways.

the fear, it wasnt just a worry. a typical anxiety.

it gripped my entire core and nobody knew about it. which made it even worse. people dont see how i've been working harder and how i've been EARNING my As and the Bs that used to be Cs and Ds. they dont see it.

i was so friggin terrified on the way to school. i flipped through some material on the bus and i couldnt do ANY of the bloody equations. i felt so stupid. it was painful.

i'm a perfectionist at times. the trait has managed to taint a new part of my life. i HAD to do well.

if i didnt, life would end they way it had been going.

i know it's all melodramatic but the strange this is, it made perfect logical sense in my head a few days ago. everything sounded rational and..normal.

i dont know what'll happen if i do flunk. i honestly don't.

it's just that, after working so hard - climbing up to where i know i should belong instead of loitering around at the bottom of the pile, to fall down would be..eternal damnation? lol.
it'll be more like, Life telling me that i didnt belong Up there and that i should know my place and just go home. as if Life was just taunting me by giving me a taste of what it's like before pulling me back down and laughing and asking me if i had actually though i was worthy and good enough to be there.

[4 beverages you drink frequently]
1. Anything with a ridiculous amount of sugar in it.
2. ribena!
3. um, this grass jelly thing they have at my school
4.

[4 places to go in your area]
1. Popular Megastore [augh, they closed it down!]
2. jurong point for fooood
3. take the 190 to orchard and roam about
4. you could got to Lot 1. if you want tod ie of boredom that is.

[4 things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. buying a really great cd.
2. crazy antics with my friends in class
3. proving my english teacher wrong
4. finding a $50 note on the ground. [never happened b4 but hey, i can stilll hope!]
*5. [need to add this] when somebody FINALLY buys me an iPod.

[4 things you can't live without]
1. my discman and the minimum four cds i lug around.
2. paper and a nice black ink pen to doodle with
3. the computer. which would be a useless lump of plastic if not for the internet connection
4. moments of sheer insanity with my buds.

[about 10 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in K1 and my uniform was a pink dress. :|
2. i pulled the head of my barbie. [accidentally, i swear!]
3. nearly drowned.

[about 2 years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in sec 2 and quite miserable in my class
2. i chopped off my ponytail!
3. started actively liking lit.

[about 1 year ago *list three things*]
1. CAP. wait - does it count? i suppose it's not a year AGO but it WAS last year, so.
2. um, had my first MAJOR fight with my best friend. silence for and *gasp* 4 hours! lol.
3. suffered a.math

[7 things you hate]
1. malay compos
2. our principal, Herr Hitler
3. the Parental Authorities when their being well, authoritarian
4. crowds
5. minahs in Emily
6. no-inspiration days in the art room
7. taking the bus to school in the morning

[7 facts about you]
1. i have a quick temper
2. just because I love to warble doesn’t mean I CAN sing.
3. music junkie.
4. ice-skating is funfunfun
5. it’d be nice if I stop downloading music but oh well..
6. I want the iPod.
7. I really, really want the iPod.

[5 things you like about the opposite sex]
1. when they change after pe! Ok, fine. I’m tokking about a particular person.
2. it’s amusing and fascinating to hear their perspective
3. it’s a laugh to see them drool over girls
4. when they let down their “I’m tough.” façade when they get away from their pack.
5. when they sing. If they can. But when they can’t, it’s still sorta funny.

[4 things you would eat on the last day of your life]
1. candy
2. my mudder’s laksa
3. ribena lol
4. ice-kachang

[4 CD's from your collection that you will never get tired of]
1. Evanescence. [my burnt album of Origin]
2. starsailor. Both albums
3. bic runga!
4. burnt cds of coldplay!!

[6 celebrities you would have sex with] (Erm.... lust after is one thing, but...)
1. Rodrigo Santorio as Karl. With his glasses on.
2. Jeremy Sumpter as Peter Pan when he /finally/ grows up.
3. Spike from BTVS. Oh yum =D
4. Adrien Brody *beams*
5. stuart townsend as Lestat.
6. /that/ guy from LostProphets
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i've been wanting to put this up for quite some time.

my friend was browsing through the internet looking for pictures of tatu. she accidentally chanced upon this website and a picture caught her eye. her thoughts were [in chronological order] -

lol.
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i was really in an irritable mood yesterday. no doubt it was cuz from monday to wednesday i was struggling iwth my homework and 12th Night questions [act 1 to act 4] and only went to bed at 2am and on thursday, crashed and burned. i reached home at 6.30 took a shower and sat down on my bed at 7 for a little shut-eye. when i woke up, it was 6am. it pissed me off a LOT because i had a chem test and because i was thoroughly unconscious, did NOT study for.

and i knew i was gonna flunk it because the grape vine said it had a lot of mole calculations.

so dwelling on this thought, i was studying during pe. i told my teacher i wasnt feeling well which WAS true. i felt like crap. and with my face, i bet i didnt look good either.
SO, i was sitting with a bunch of my friends cramming for the test when this bunch of kids came with VOLLEYBALLS and started playing near us- if you could call it playing. they were crap.
and you know i hate being around bouncing balls and when one of them landed like inches away frommy friend's foot, i screamed at them. i think they got a bit scared, them ickle sec ones. hrm. probably because i was all "FOCK YOU." and threatening them with a very painful death if the ball came that close to us again. so with the New Experience of being screamed at by a senior, they left for a quiet place AWAY from us.

so all was good. i started breathing properly again and we went back to memorizing structures for macromolecules and the fine difference between proteins and carbohydrate chains.

then, a ball hit my head.

i exploded.

i leapt up, and started lambasting the poor kid who was cowering and saying sorry sorry, accident accident. he was actually petrified, i think. i suppose my jabbing my finger at him and me in Full Rage is quite scary.
i'm trying to remember what i screamed at him, but i can't quite remember. all i can recall is shouting "that's it!" before turning to him and the kid looking quite pale. it's like all white noise, i wasnt even aware of my brain functioning.

my friends were quite shocked. they never had seen me like that. they were abit happy that i manaed to shoo off the annoying buggers but still shocked.

i am a hypocrite. oh goody, another flaw i can add to my already long list.

i ate a disturbingly large amount of food today. i blame this on our week-long holiday. when i was out, all i did was hang around and eat. when i was at home, all i did was hand around and eat. i'd drop by shops and supermarkets to stock up on junk food to munch while with my friends so conversations usually go like this -

"have you done any *munch* homework?"
"nope. i've got virgin homework. pure and *munch* untouched."
"whoo, same here! oh you have Pringles! yumness."
"are you planning do actually do any then?"
"do what?"
"um, what were we talking about?..can i have that cherry Skittle?"
"oh look! 7-11!! ..slurpee!"

yerp, that's pretty much how my holidays went.

at home my mum would ask me what i was doing when i came down from my room. i'd grab more food and mumble something academic-oriented to appease her and go back up and lie down on the floor to stare at my ceiling.

so just how does this connect with my sudden increased appetite? see, this junking phase is quite usual for me during month long holidays but it starts at the FIRST week and typically tapers down by mid-month. but since the rectent break was mere week, i'm still on Junk on Food Mode.
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i have a love-hate relantionship with my art teacher. most of the time, he's fantastic, always cracking jokes with us even though he's this reaallly old guy and gives us rides to the MRT station. so nce of him.

but i do hate him when he tries to "help" me with my work. he tries to impose his ideas to improve it but it just doesnt click and he just can't seem to get that.

AUGH.

and this always make me feel horrid and all full of depress-osity because being typically me, i always have this fear of being not good enough and by trying to IMPROVE my piece means it's not GOOD ENOUGH. that it's SUB-STANDARD. BELOW PAR. and the thing is, i dont mind knowing this - it's what my brain tells me 24/7 but for someone ELSE to tell me indirectly [meaning: not constructive criticism], it just kills me.

and i'm NEVER happy with my art pieces. so if for a rare moment i am sorta hapy with what i'm doing, and you just RUIN it...augh.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

It was going to be a dark and stormy night. izyanti looked out of the window and saw a dark sheet of grey. she wondered how come she never realized the pillars outside her home were painted grey before realizing that it was actually the sky. she opened the window and poked her head out. a gust of wind carrying the smell of rain greeted as the sky sent down a bolt of lightning. she smiled and went back to the bed where she had plopped herself down. She cracked open her mother's health book and proceeded to tear open a bag of artificially-flavoured sweet toxins as she flipped through the passages proclaiming the goodness of a healthy diet.
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i will never be able to look/eat a piece of chicken again.

my mother asked me to clean the chicken she bought in the morning and in my sleep induced daze, i agreed. i had not realized that it would mean handling a corpse then.

a dead chicken is a gross thing. they don't look very good when alive i think but look even worse when dead and chopped into convenient halves. and i didn't even have to gut it and it was already icky enough.
honestly, i was not sure how to define a "clean" chicken. it's a carcass and i didn't think it was a wise idea to wash it with soap as my brother had suggested.

it was a rather weird experience really. they have this layer of mucus thing that you kinda rip off the flesh. and to remove any stray feathers. i had cut alot of tubey things before realizing omg, those were ARTERIES. augh, the bio student in me clicked on and i was suddenly aware of the muscle tissue that had a specific function, that once helped the bone [wing] to move and then my mind moved on to how this was some time back a clucking feathered BEING. and it was now in my hands and i was ripping and cutting tissue from it. and then i went on to wonder whether this was how we looked like. and THEN i started thinking that ich, if I'M grossed out already and not feeling like eating chicken for lunch, how the hell do cannibals do it?? it's on a completely higher plane of disgust-osity.

the ickiest part was the neck. i have no idea why my mother had the neck since nobody eats it anyway. so there i was snipping the fat etc. when the scissors went to deep and out came this think black thread. eew. it took a second for it to occur to me that it was the SPINAL CORD. augh. it was really ugly so i snipped the bit that had come out and BLOOD SPURTED OUT. my face had twisted up into what i'm sure was a really ugly grimace. so ick. i closed my eyes and ripped the whole thread out. eeew.

my brain kept going on and on about the neorones and the dendrites and what happens at the synapse and i could NOT shut it up!

and there was this bit of musle tissue near the rib cage. it was all dark red an squishy. i wasn't going to touch it except i didn't want it to accidentaly end up on my plate later so had to remove it. sensory wise, this was THE gross moment. it felt like a really soft, swollen and mushy RASPBERRY. imgaine trying to pick a raspberry from a crevice thing and when you do, all the liitle bumps on the berry BURSTS. that's how it felt like. muchos ick.

but you know what's slightly disturbing? i found it satisfying to rip and cut away the fatty bits and mucus thing. -- strange -- i don't think i'll mind doing it the next time round. how morbid, but i actually found the entire experience quite fun in a gross way.

be warned however, of cleaning prawns. i had to do it once and now steadfastly REFUSE to do so. EVER. it's even grosser because when you remove it's head, all the SHIT and BRAIN oozes out and its this disgusting mic of puke yellow, green and brown. AND it hurts. they have this sharp thingies at it's head and tail that give you really nasty small cuts that sting like fuck.

wahahaha, i found the link to the iPod murder thingy i found!! iPod; a murder weapon.____________________________________

why is the media harping on tata young? how much did her manager pay them to have her EVERYWHERE?
honestly, i dont think im the only one who finds her..annoying. she is such a mediocre singer, her song has obviously been touched up in the studio. it cant even pass off as excellent pop crap because it does not even stand out! sexy naughty bitchy. like augh, so what?

they keep playing her vid on mtv and it's really exasperating! it's tacly and looks like something britney and christina would have done like 5 years ago. she's not even remarkably gorgeous.

because she's Cleo's cover girl, i am not buying this month's issue even though i am missing out on the free lippie and if it's the April issue, my birthday horoscope.

is it because she happens to be Asian? i dont remember the media harping this much when Urban Xchange first came out. just because she's female with legs.

get over it! it's such a waste of front covers and "precious" MTV time. support asian talent? frankly speaking, WHAT talent?

she's
- pretty
- um.....

i can't think if any redeeming thingies for her. other than the fact that she is very malleable. as in, the record company find it easy to push, prod and mould her into the next one-hit wonder.

thinking about it now, she's a poor thing. her fame will last barely 15 minutes before she joins the dusty halls of the Macerena and um, cant remember any other one-hit wonders. see, proves my point exactly! she'll soon be thrown back into thailand doing what failed celebrities do - lament and drown their sorrows on alcohol OR sink into denial and throw themselves at second and third-rate tabloids to give them the rush of being in the limelight.

the poor deluded souls.

OR, just as likely, she might /actually/ succeed. i can see it happening. has happened before. i mean, look at the now defunct Atomic Kitten! i though they would die out after their second release but no...i was proved wrong.

what difference would it make anyway? the music industry is already so full of crap. the space she'll waste at HMV etc. is absolutely negligible.

and i still don't like hip-hop.

and techno.

but strangely, i honestly like the songs they played on the OLD version of Seseme Street. i really do.
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so there's this guy i know who i thought with all reason was pretty decent. an average guy with no qualities that make you wish a plague of giant locusts would lift him and dump him into the shittiest place you can think of [right now, it would be Bush's election campain speeches for me].

but now i think he probably deserves this treatment.

and why? because i've just read his recent blog entry and it screams "i'm an insensitive, arseholic jerk!" in neon paint with big flashing light bulbs. i feel a huge inclination to reveal his name and to give the link to his blog as well but i dont think i shall because of ethical reasons. this means i'm still debating on it and am not sure what to do yet.
alright, so his entries have always had hints if his jerk-osity but i just brushed it off because hey, everybody has their own prejudices and pieces of Arsehole and nobody's perfect so no judgement there.

but this is IT. i can't believe his audacity! [and you know what? he occasionally DOES read my blog. so i'm hoping he sees this] and what makes it even worse is that he's not being insensitive because he's an IDIOT in which i could probably half forgive him because well, it's not his fault if he was born an idiot and hence, ignorant.
what he did, cannot in any WAY claim ignorance as an excuse. the sickening thing is, he KNOWS what he is doing is SICK and WRONG and WARPED and whot the fuck, you're in Raffles Instituition! [there. guess who I'M talking about!] so hello, since you're what, the top 3% in Singapore - where the frocking hell is your shred of decency?? where the hell were you when they were passing it out before you were born? oh wait, i know - you probably thought you were TOO good for it didn't you?

figures. i am NEVER sending my kid [in the future] to an elitist top school even if he's a genius. i'd rather he toil through a normal neighbourhood school than risk turning out like YOU.

and he likes hip-hop.
hah! *smirks*
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and don't give me the crap that since it's his blog, he has the right to say whatever he wants because hey, i'm not denying that.
but since he willingly posted it up, it is also open to criticism and the like. i normally dont like to judge people and avoid doing so [hence, my brief friendship with him], but this time, i guilt-free JUDGE.

Monday, March 15, 2004

number four!!

i am uber pathetic.

but no matter.

heheh, i read this newspaper article online which i find quite funny. it's entirely possible that the whole thing is made up, but hilarious nonetheless.

it's about this girl who's being charged for murder of her boyfriend. so why did she murder him? he was protesting against her downloading music and deleted her 2000 songs on her iPod that took her 3 months to compile. she was so furious, she used her iPod and bashed him on the head several times till he well, died.

the iPOd, the new high-tech weapon of choice for the new generation of murderers.
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once in a while, my mind drifts over back to how i had used him. it happened a lonng time ago but i still feel bad. a bit.
then i remember how he wasn't a complete saint either and i feel much better. lol.
besides, i learnt an invaluable lesson from the whole incident so it's not a complete..shitty..thing.

*shrugs*

it's amazing how i can pretend not to know someone so well. he's the only one i know who does it as well as me. funny.
..something like that.
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recently, i've been wearing this bright light green hairband that i bought in an impulse. i've noticed that people have been kinda staring at it which is funny cuz since i'm short, it looks kinda weird when they walk by and their eyes look at the top of my head.

proof how dwelling i am on that esprit jacket. went causeway point to get my malay dictionary tht conveniently has english translations etc. malay compos, here i come! dropped by esprit and went to look at the jacket. saw and went away sighing.
then i went to jurong point for lunch [at 4pm] and co-incidentally, there's an esprit there as well! whee, so i went in again to try it on.

and you know what? i don't think i want to get it anymore. funny huh? not funny haha, but well, funny. i'm just rambling.
i don't know, it seemed so much nicer when tried it on yesterday than today.

oh well. doesn't matter much. i still dont have money for it.

ooh, there was an Emily bag i saw. quite nice but wasnt really worth it. it was a simple pleather WHITE sling. thinking about it now, it wasnt really nice at all. thank gawd i didnt buy it, ya? and besides, i've sworn off shoulder and sling bags for the sake of my well, shoulders. they've gone through enough trauma for the past 2 years. *sighs*
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realized that this is my THIRD post today alone. AUGH.

other people are hardly updating their blogs and what have i been doing?? does this mean i have nothing else better to do and this is made even worse by the fact that other people DO!! augh augh augh!

*runs off in hysteria*

and their not exactly quality posts anyway. i am a waste of space.
lol, i like how that sounds_____________________________________________

hah, i think the only reason i'm dwelling on it is because i'm curently supposed to be doing my malay letter. [write a formal letter to the LTA requesting them to build an overhead bridge for the congested road beside you school. state reason why the bridge is needed.] *sighs* it sounds SO much better in english.

anyway, can anyone spare me like, $130? if you do, i promise to love and adore and..umm, thank you. augh, i WAAANT.

i've actually seen it a couple a times. walked past it, touched it, cooed about it to my friends who ignore me as they drool over the PINK clothes but i've never tried it on because i dont like trying on clothes in my school uniform and besides i feel ugly most of the time in it lol. but i did yesterday.

no, i'm NOT talking about the state of my bowel system. it's fine, thank you very much.

i'm referring to how i feel when it comes to writing in malay. i suppose a lot of other non-mothr tongue oriented people feel this way too but hey, this blog isnt about them, it's about me lol.

my mudder dragged me off to sit in for this malay course alll the way on the far eastern side of Singapore, Kembangan. man, who LIVES there??
so anyway, they [notice i didnt say "we"] were doing letter-writing. whee, what fun. augh, so i was supposed to write, meaning my pen was supposed to be moving over the thin paper, forming MALAY words if not forming smooth and PROPER sentences.

but i couldn't.

it was like writing with a ball-point pen that had been dropped. the..sentences, let alone, passages refuse to flow. and yet, their somewhere in my mind. hiding, stuck. i feel constipated.

i feel stupid.

it's like, i can usually so effortlessly write but when put into a malay environment, my mind goes *kapoot*.

and malay is honestly a beautiful language. good malay poetry can so much more mellifluos than english poetry. hah, it'll be even more beautiful to me if i actually UNDERSTOOD it.
but i don't.

it's my language. i know all the technicalities of letter-writing etc but it's not gonnal help much if i can't even write will it?? and my vocab SUCKS.

and the thing is, the more i realize how incompetent i am, the longer i dwell on it - the more my hand is paralysed when it comes to writing. it becomes some sort of mental block. a barrier.

and my O's are in JULY. i am so dead.
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was at kino ystd with my mudder. she offered to get me something so i wandered over to the Emily stuff and you know what i realized? i couldn't bear to buy any of it. becaus eof i bought either of the two books, i'd pour over the amazing graphics, carefully flipping through. but that would be it.

if i got one of the GORGEY journals or the completely useless but BYOOTIFUL address book, i also wouldn't touch it because i wouldnt want to defile the pages with my writing. i would put in on my shelf. and stare and caress [uh, dodgy] for months before i finally pick up a pen. i'd probably hate myself as i write the first few words. and i'd feel a need to write something important, something worthwhile in it. not just inane, irrational ranting - which would probably end up with me and my pen hovering over the blank page for /ages/ contemplating what to write before giving up and lovingly putting it back on the shelf.

geez, i have issues.
but still, i wouldnt mind if anybody gets it for me. lol.
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random note: i was brushing my teeth when i realized that when i squint my eyes and grin reaalllly hard, i look like a hamster. or a chipmunk.

ooh.
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-- bimbo alert --

i need shoes. i'm not usually a shoe girl and only get them when i NEED them which is good i suppose. the bad thing in this current situation is that i feel the need for various types of shoes.

- i want something girly to wear with my jeans. not TOO feminine, and DEFINITELY not pink. something with kitten heels! quirky.

- boots. NOT thigh-high, heeled whore boots siak. i want them clunky and preferably black. since i seriously doubt i'd be getting the $500 pair i saw at suntec, i saw a rather nice pair at mango in collaboration with Gola. it's black suede i think with orange details. ..nice.

- sneakers! though if i get the above two, i'd probably forgo this one.

ooh, and i saw this really nice jacket at esprit yesterday. it's a on the rock, motorcycle-chick side but with a touch of femininity. it's black obviously. *sighs* i waaaaant.

Saturday, March 13, 2004

i survived! ..continued

what i did for four hours of malay-ness.

- listen to my discman
- drawing cartoons on my lecture notes
- actively practising reverse psychology but loudly proclaiming "i want to be here!"
- counting how many ppl had lobed/unlobed earlobes. [funny word. lobes]
- staring at this girl in front of me who had /really/ gorgeous hair. HOW did she get it so glossy?
- falling asleep and ending up with a neck ache.
- doing the one-man Kallang Wave when my teacher when up to make his lecture. [the shortest one at a mere 20 minutes! whoo him!]
- eating tasteless and empty curry puffs.
- suddenly singing lines from Coldplay and Skin.
- randomly underlining and circling words and phrases in my notes in case my mother wants to see them.
- counting how many cute guys there were who i wished weren't Mats.
- counting how many significantly gorgeous girls there were from other schools
- counting the many familiar faces from perhaps, my primary school.
- cheering when the last and most boring lecturer finally finished.

went to kino afterwards to pour over the graphic art books. like, woah. i never get bored there. i would be so happy just to be locked up in there with bags of junk food and my fuzzy green sweater for a couple of days. i'd probably emerge smarter lol. or schizophrenic - mental overload of too much information from too many genres. --heaven--

makes me realize how i haven't been reading much recently. partly because like i mentioned a few posts ago, i have library fines due. also, i've been busy. what a lame excuse but oh so true. i simply don't have the leisure time anymore to randomly browse through the libraries. of the curse of living a life of Purposefullnes.

i also realized [whoa, Epiphany Day lol] that since i've stopped listening to the radio since early last year, my tatse in music has changed drastically. which is another reason why KaZaa rocks. Since i'm no longer immersed in the pop scene of teenybopper music, i've been backtracking and listening to already defunct bands like Skunk Anansie. they deserve so much more credit than they got.
___________________________
Burnt Like You

You’ll always be a born
Worn out loser
Still blaming all of us
For your bad choosing

No I can’t watch the same mistake
Waiting for the boys to turn out straight
No I can’t run the same dog race
And get burnt like you

You’re swollen in the gut
From all those last nights
Still swinging vodka punches
That don’t land right

- Skin
_____________________________

went to the Centerstage thingy at acs yesterday. what a RIOT! so funnay. i still remember a few lines from it.
one of the mc bantering;
"you think you're so great, you think you're so clever. but look at me, i'm so much better. i don't think."

wahaha.

and lip glossed and powdered haz acting SO blonde. *pokepoke*

i feel bad for the 3rd play. they were okaaay but because the one before them were really good, they paled in comparison. oh welly well.

i'm still wondering how they made the fake cigg puff out smoke. i'm pretty sure dry ice in the mouth is out of the question lol.

the Filipina servant guy was really funnay. but it got me thinking how throughout the whole thing, there were really, REALLY alot of racial jokes. not racist because they weren't like negative stuff. it was a continuing thread throughout ALL the plays, lines and puns that highlighted their presence. i'm not sure what to make out of it.

augh, the guest actresses were GORGEOUS. talk about a sudden onset of an inferiority complex. they had such great figures and were so..bollywood. [although co-incidentally, i noticed that one of them was wearing a skirt that was disturbingly similar to one my friend bought at This Fashion. hah! merp, i'm just being catty.]
but honestly, i am SO not gonna send my kid to a girl's school. you'd know what i mean if you were there. the screaming/shrieking. my ears were RINGING. ooh, rhymes.
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since i was at the bloody malay workshop, i obv missed the rmun briefing. AND the pizza hut treat they got from our dahling ms. tay.

damn.

i got haiti.

um. i called my mum to ask her where it was and it turns out hey, it's NOT anywhere near hawaai. which makes sense, because i was thinking hello, hawaai - american state. an island near american coast? so where the HELL is haiti?

turns out, somewhere near the carribean! ooh. from the randomly clicked googled articles i found on the internet bout good ol' haiti, they've got a really tumultous history AND present. not sure what part i have muc to play bout it though since i'm NOT in the social and economic council. can someone please tell me the significance of the General Assembly? cuz from what i remember from last year's SS crash course on the UN is that it's basically the bunch of people who vote to decide motions and stuff?

i feel like, such a ditz.

i still fear humiliating myself by saying something that would expose how much i dont know.
you think i should instead wear a sign proclaiming "don't ask me, i'm dumb and unreliable."? so if i actually say something intelligent, they'd be impressed and if i [most likely] DON'T, it'd be expected since hah, i'd ALREADY warned them!!!

whoo, problem solved.
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eew. the smell of fertilizer is wafting through the house. can't. breathe.
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ok, this is weird and kinda scary. i'm typing and it suddenly really hurts to breathe. and not in the usual lung area where you'd expect it'd to be but at my LOWER BACK area. there's a sudden pain when in inhale properly.

Monday, March 08, 2004

i think my entries are becoming increasingly mundane. oh well. tis the truth - i am not a very interesting person at times.

the moment i stepped out of the house today, it started raining and the downpour has not stopped at all for the entire day. the sky persists on peeing.

i think it's amazing that the sky can hold that much water.
______________________________________

rain affects my brain. we were going through our seeds and germination worksheet during biology today and my teacher was talking about the factors that allow the seeds that are dispersed by air to buoyant. the word caught in me and my friend's head and we started going "boy-ant. boyy-ant." it's really a funny-sounding word. and to accompany the funny sounds, we started floatily swaying from side to side pretending to be wind-dispersed seeds.

we did explosive seeds after that. --boom--

oh and then i saw charmaine waving her hands frantically in front of her and i asked her what the fuck she was doing. it turns out she was doing a "one-man Kallang wave"!! lol, so i joined in. predictably.

augh, bio is so BORINGG. and especially now that we're doing PLANTS. i mean, who cares what the calyx is and why the lateral bud is there. or why some have ovaries and how the bloddy pollen burrows itself in. though the last bit was quite interesting.

stupid plants.
______________________________________

im frantically downloading and burning cds.
and the reason why i am makes me so HAPPY.

oh, and the UN briefing thing is this saturday. i bet we'll be getting some quiet country.

and i'm still dwelling in the though that i might just make a complete arse of myself there. oh well.

on the other hand, i get to wear a blazer later on! wahahahahaha, up yours O people who think students like me will never have a chance to wear the bloody blazer [ie. do something tht the school would be proud off] nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!!___________________________________
he is honestly, vereh cute.

but after my last disasterous crush, i'm VERY wary about falling into another infatuation.

geez, i scare myself looking back how i was so obsessed with the guy. *shudders* i was completely delusioned.
-blinks- i hope he never finds out how bad it was.

it was a vicious cycle. he kinda ddn noe i existed and the more unattainable he was, the more obsessed i got. terrible. a period of complete misery and yet, i indulged in it.

it was fun at first. you know, the typical harmless buzz. then. . . *shrugs* i dont quite know how it became that warped but it did.

seeing my friends in relantionships, claiming proudly and so confidently that the love each other, i feel very..skeptical.
i dont think it's possible to LOVE somebody at our age. at the most, puppy love but real love is just too big for an immature bunch of kids to handle. i think it requires patience and commitment even when things aren't going out so fine and you know us with our MTV-attention span. the moment it no longer amuses us or it "cramps our style", we move on.
_________________________________________

it's still raining.
_________________________________________

people are blogging less and less now that school's started. it's unfun for me but i suppose it's good. less blogs to read, more time spent offline. which is. GOOD.
*crosses fingers*
__________________________________________
oh yes, i'm selling my cds!!!!
most of them are in good condition, a bit scratched but nothing tht affects the music. erm, offer me a price [anything at all!] and i'll see how.
[it's a bit embarassing cuz i'm revealing my um, taste in music a few years back, lol]i don't listen to them anymore and decided i kinda need the cash to get more cds.

- Silver Side Up; Nickelback [ i bought it early this year]

..oh damn. my hoarder/sentimental side won't let me put up any of my other cds for sale. i have like 5 more that i dont even listen to but i wanna keep them for nostalgia's sake. like my *N Sync albums. and my Britney ones. *SIGHS*

Sunday, March 07, 2004

it finally happens

yes, it's been confirmed. i have gained weight.
i cant fit into my jeans anymore. ok fine, fine, so this pair of jeans are the ones that i bought waaaay back in sec 1 and used to hang off my butt when hipsters weren't yet in fashion. but it's nice saying "hah, i can fit into my sec 1 jeans" even if its only to myself. darn. oh well, i already knew i wasnt a size 24 a loong time ago. no biggie.

actually, i'm wearing them now. its just that i cant. zip. them up._____________________________________
whee! im going ice-skating this tuesday!

funfunfunfun

this means i'm frantically downloading songs to burn "new" cds to skate with. im bored with all my cds and dont have the financial resources to buy new ones. besides, the one i'm eyeing cost like $50. no way my wallet can ever afford THT.

ice skating!! *hyperventilates* this is how much i love skating. i feel a thrill on the way there and if its been a long time since i've skated, i really have to control myself from running after stepping into the entrance. ok fine, so /mebbe/ sometimes i dont and i DO end up running. so if you ever see a girl running laughing her head off with her friends keeping a nice safe distance away, yep that's me.
heh, when i put on my skates and plug into my discman, the people around me disappear. which is why i'm uncomfortable with inviting not-so-close friends to skate because i KNOW i wont end up spending time with them like i should. i ignore everybody else when i skate.

me and the ice. [ugh, how cliche.]

but true nonetheless. when you're speeding past everbody else, especially when it's crowded and you cut through the bloody groups of people who um, toddle along and when you race, WHOO.
______________________________________
i found the boots that i saw online at Suntec. man, they look even more kick-ass in real life. *sighs*

they are however $500.

it was at this leather shop. i moaned when i saw the price tag but my friend said that she saw a sign saying the stuff was all 50% off. excited, i went out to see the sign. it was a non-descript A4 paper boldly stating, 50% off on merchandise. then, i read the fine print - except shoes and boots.

the funny [or not] side of this is that 90% of what the shop was selling was you guessed it, shoes and boots.
hello??? augh.

yum, i like the Rainbow Sherbet at suntec. looks like Play-Doh but it's very, very nice.
______________________________________
i suppose it's true. we madCAPpers have become a clique. kinda expected it too happen tho my idealistic, optimistic side had hoped at the beginning that we would be able to maintain close ties with dailydairy at the same time.

although i wouldn't agree that on the term elitist. we're honestly not. it's just that, we dont really know the people on the other yahoogroup and we dont feel the /need/ to interact with them because we're already close with the madCAPpers. there's no..immediate inclination.

sadly.

it's an automatic response, sub-conscious.
which is why most of us didnt go to the apparently significant CAP alumni meeting yesterday. ost of us ddn noe and the few who did, didn't bother.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

"I want," Draco said, "to be able to love her. Sometimes I think I could. I can picture it. I think it would make me happy. But I think perhaps it's not in my nature to be happy. Happiness is simple, after all, and I've never liked anything simple."

Draco Veritas; Cassandra Claire

-sighs- i am contents and blissful. finally after MONTHS long of waiting, it's UP!!! happyhappyhappy.
*toddles of to Land of the Marvelously Delirious, stops and suddenly turns back*

the latest chapter is ambiguosly slashy.

"Harry stared at him, mystified, and Draco reached out a thin hand then, and touched his hair. It was a light touch, like a leaf grazing his cheek, and a shiver passed over Harry."

*weeps in a corner*

i love draco. draco is mine. he's my preciousss..and if that's so, he CAN'T be gay. he can't. no, he can't. he shouldn't let Harry CLING to him even if harry /is/ on the verge of a nervous breakdown. they shouldn't trade 'i love you's even though their relantionship is not..homosexual. yes yes, so they ARE close, but Those Three Words make it so incestous.

DRACO [THEY] CAN'T HAVE GAY INCLINATIONS.

i'm heartbroken.
i wouldn't give a damn if the plot suddenly twisted and it was Remus/Lupin or for comic effect, Dumblydore/Filch and Voldie/Wormtail.

but it's good nonetheless.

"I killed a man today," Harry said, just to hear the words spoken.

"I know," Draco said. "Welcome to the war."

a bit low on hilariously funny incidents but i suppose that's cuz their in a dark period right now. --draco's dying, how CAN anything be funny?-- oh wait, Ginny makes out with Tom Riddles. *ponders* didnt expect THAT to happen.

"Words were failing him; he felt a precarious and strangely intoxicating dizziness. Aftereffects of Pansy's spells? He wasn't sure; all he knew was that her hair was drifting across his face and that it smelled of clover honey. Am I still in love with her? Ron wondered. She had been his first love, his childish love, the sort of awkward ineffectual charming love most people looked back on years later with affectionate nostalgia. But not Ron. That love had been taken away from him, twisted and thrown back in his face, robbed of its charm, its sweetness replaced with pain. She was a symbol now, of every mistake he had ever made, and everything he had ever wanted that he could not have. if only there were some way to make that right..."
-- poor ron.

i hate hermione.

and as usual, i adore draco.
_________________________________
ysterday was the Career Fair thing. our school made us go in an effort to make us find out where we wanted to head to. like geez, how come don't already know i want to rule the world? duh.
no, seriously.

anyway, all it did to me was make me confused. so many universities, so many choices. but the trip there was funnay.
the school chartered buses for us from school so we were in the buses at the school carpark and it so happened that the bus beside our's was the bus with the 401s [ie. the Geniuses] and our class started chanting geeks geeks geeks but [thankfully] they didnt hear us. so i whipped out a shoddy sign saying "Hello smart people" and banged the windows to get their attention. at first they were a bit startled [how typical] and finally, some of them got the humour of it. idiots.

lots of singing in the bus. after a while, we couldn't come up with anymore singing so me and charmaine started harmonizing! well, actually that's just a nicer term for making noise in an effort to make "music".
______________________________________
i /think/ i have more to say but cant think of it yet. oh yes, im in the UN conference. -phew-
dumdeedeedum, anything else? don't think so. oh WAIT.

was at taka the other day [the outrageously costly and branded side] just wandering around. we wereabout to tun a corner when my friend who was a couple of meters ahead turned to me and said i was gonna love what i'd be about to see. so i was thinking aiya, probab some nice clothes/shoes/bag but when i saw it i squealed.

it was a HEEEE-UGE posterboard of Adrien Brody. how huge? ceiling to floor.

it was covering this shop that was being renovated. cant remember the brand, but the one he was invited to model for.

the poster provided a very, very nice close-up of his eyes. *swoons* i actually went up to it and smacked myself on the board for the fun of it.

i KNOW he has a huge nose ok? it's kinda obvious but why cant ppl get over it? and i know he's not the typical pretty boy or testosterone ladden guy like Brad Pitt. but he looks..elegant.

i think i'll stop at that before i turn too swoony - something we hormonally charged teenage girls are so prone to do.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

it's still unfair

there.

my last angsty note on the whole UN Conference affair. i hereby vow not to dwell on it anymore and not to complain about it. i will accept it, and make the best of it and achieve inner peace. om.
augh fuck it.

i will not talk about it anymore unless somebody brings it up. hah, that's much more..do-able. there's no way i can promise myself not to dwell on it because after 15 or so years living with myself, i have learnt that it is impossible for me to control my brain.
i'll 'will' one thing but it'll never stay on that one focused spot. oh no, my brain will drift off and start spouting irrational stuff that strangely, manages to be related to the topic in a minut way. hence my digressing when it comes to writing lit essays.
and if i 'command' one thing, like 'iZ! don't do so and so' my brain will start arguing with itself and go why not? what will happen if i so and so? why does it matter? why do i care? am i being stupid for caring? i don't give a fuck! augh, iZ that sounds so teen-angsty! get over it you immature arse! but hey,i have the right to be immature - if not now, when else?

my brain has a mind of its own. wahahahaha.
____________________________________

yes, i have decided. tomorrow shall be Izyanti Day. i shall not go to school, have a nice leisurely breakfast at McD and find a nice library [mosy likely the Esplanade's] and study. yes, study.
it's not the schoolwork that bothers me nowadays, it's the environment. i just want to get away from the chaos tht manages to be humdrum and mundane at the same time. i want to be alone.

list of stuff to do:
- finish lit essay
- cover the entire chapter on history
- finish history essay
- catch up on social studies?
- cover speed of reaction?

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

horrid horrid day

i hate days when you look at the wrong timetable.
um, i actually looked at the wrong one yesterday to which really explains the mild confoosion when my history teacher stepped in instead of chem. i have this habit of brushing things off if it doesnt really affect me. note to self: must learn to be more observant and to actually take notice of these observations. must not throw them aside a nanosecond after they've been made.so ANYWAY, my mistake was further re-inforced by yesterday's so i looked at the 'wrong' timetable with even more conviction. -sighs- i was only shaken out of blurry stupor when i realized that OMG, i had malay later on! i wouldn't hve had it if today was an even week but surprise surprise, it was an ODD week. and i didnt do my homework! [as usual]. but here is where my compulsive lying comes into place. the moment he asked me to hand it in, i told the truth that i looked at the wrong schedule, but lied that yes, i've done the pile and it's sitting at home on my table. surprise surprise again, i've done NOTHING.

augh. it just popped out of my mouth.
_____________________________________
we got our yearbook today. wait- i already mentioned tht in the earlier post havent i? i failed to mention there's this rather big photo of me in it tht looks UGLY cuz i just woke up from tis boring lecture thing when they took the shot. augh, i look half-dead and my hair was in this weird shape. oh the horror!
_____________________________________
im considering 'thon-ing 2night. looking at my pile of incomplete homework. and the fact that i have TWO tests 2ml.

should i? or shouldn't i?

if i do, i'll end up zombiefied and zonked for the whole day.

if i don't, the pile will crush me more AND, i could possibly lose some CA/progress report marks.

one thing for sure, i shouldnt be here, blogging.

i have no discipline at all. it is pathetic. terrible. horrendous.
___________________________________________
*yeah, i'm getting sick of Ye Olde Man. will change it soon.

yes, i have been pushed into being a reserve for the UN Conference due to some stupid policies and the fact that i really need to learn when to shut my mouth.

it is totally unfair. yes i know it's very typical adolescent angsty of me but yeah. we were one of the first to volunteer but we're getting oushed to the side. i actually had more angst directed towards this..affair but i've already ranted to several people for several times. so i'm pretty hollowed out. augh.

we got our yearbooks today. they airbrushed the photos and because of this technological advancement, i now have chipmunk cheeks. --''

i have been rather slacking on homework. this is bad. i feel the pressure etc and start doing but halfway through, i lose steam and get bored. homework is abandoned for other doodling and most commonly, sleep.
so i currently have a pile of incomplete homework for all the different subjects. oh fun.

i realize ive been kinda boring recently. there's not much to say other than the mundane conundrum of school life because well, that's all thats in my life currently.

all i can talk about is school because that's all i'm going through.

i haven't written in ages even though i have this really great idea for a prose but it's gonna be a looong one and i just don't have the time to sit down and write. -sighs-
my poetry sucks because it generally revolves around the same thing [hah!]. so id rather not torment myslef by seeing how bad my poetry is.

dumdeedeedum________________________________________
i was rather pissed at the english HOD just now. [wait- still am]. she was giving a talk how [yawn] we were being complacent and that we didnt take things seriously especially our USSR periods. no, not periods when we exercise russian communism. em, nevermind.

what really got to me was that she claimed that we wasted the whole banding programme they put us through last year because we 'didnt take it seriously' etc. i really, really got pissed at this because hello, they NEGLECTED my class and this other class. they neglected to band us because i suppose we weren't worth it. because we're the last two classes.

it is absolute discrimination.

i lost out because i was stuck in my class where the teacher was trying to teach the class boring stuff like grammar when the Band 1 class were doing fun stuff. if our class had been banded, i would have been in Band 1 and doing more fun stuff instead of dwelling on tenses and letter-writing formats.

AUGH.

[www.learn.co.uk -- literature, year 7] [guess what lesson im in now]
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i dont think i would be able to take it if i ended up in some cheena JC like nanyang. the sheer cheena-ness of my school now is... sickening. i hate it. nothing against the people who ARE cheena, but I hate it.
F4! F4! did you watch 5566?? aiee! so kawaai!

..something along that line. it's just the environment in this school. i don't particularly like it.
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