Cough It Up, Joe Biden

Because we in your “hometown” are strapped for cash and need every measly penny we can scrape together.

You don’t stick your own.

Stick somebody else, if you must, but not us – not after all the mileage you get out of this old coal town that allowed you to make up a story about your relatives working in the mines so you could ingratiate yourself to voters in 2008.

Show us the miners, you scrappy kid from Scranton.

No, Joey.

We’re not buying what you’re selling.

We’re billing.

I saw this one coming a mile away when you announced that you were headed our way on July 3 with that bogus story about showing your granddaughter the old homestead and staying for the fireworks. But when you blew into town with your entourage, tied up holiday traffic on the interstate and finally showed up for the festivities, you left the kid behind and snuck out before the fireworks even started.

This baby had campaign appearance written all over it.

And for that you must pay the piper.

A weary Mayor Chris Doherty is on the last legs of his political career and is visibly embarrassed that our city might one day go belly up because of politics, cronyism, corruption, bad financial planning and a general state of severe Scrantonitis – a gnarly social disease that is not discussed in polite circles. That’s the only reason he responded to a reporter’s question about all the extra money your trip cost our city in police overtime and whatever else might have gone into accommodating you and your pack of political partiers.

That’s why Doherty said the extra cost will be billed to the campaign.

Obama/Biden owes us $2,126 in police overtime, according to city Business Administrator Ryan McGowan.

Frankly I would think far more money than that went into Biden’s frolic among the peasants. It usually costs more than that for Saturday night security guards for happy hour at the local university watering holes. That’s why I requested an itemized bill from McGowan’s office when I called this morning.

McGowan said that he had the itemized bill on his desk and was planning to send it the campaign as soon as possible. He said he’s been busy. I know I know. Scranton is on financial life support and McGowan is busy finding money to pay the bills.

One good place to start is the Obama/Biden campaign.

Doherty has been to the White House for breakfast – or shall we call it Barackfast? So he should call whoever invited him down for bacon and eggs and ask for Joe’s cell phone number.

Then give that scrappy kid a call and tell him to cough it up.

I also told McGowan bad news.

I’ve already communicated with the Obama/Biden campaign. A campaign source who asked not to be named basically told the city to stick it. She referred all concerns about money owed to the city to the Secret Service, as if they’re going to pick up Biden’s tab. I have a feeling that agents on that elite detail aren’t all that thrilled with the idea of jumping in front of a past due bill for the vice president.

McGowan didn’t seem surprised.

Me neither.

So I’m volunteering to go after the money. I always wanted to be a bounty hunter. And you don’t need Dog when you got “Doctor Death,” the nickname Biden gave me when he publicly made a fool out of himself during a trip to flood-ravaged Duryea last October.

I let it slide when he busted my chops back then.

But I’ll get even through real public service by hounding Biden like the ghosts of real coal miners who died underground in those black hell holes and don’t take kindly to a lace curtain imposter using their sacrifice and legacy for his own benefit.

We’ve got enough trouble in Scranton without Biden running out on the bill like a fraternity drunk running out on a dozen Coney Island wieners. If all else fails, maybe Biden can send his granddaughter up here to work off the overdue balance by working as a breaker girl.