The iPhone Douche Bag Crowd

So while I was cooking, I had my iPhone plugged into the wall so it could… Oh, i don’t know… charge. AND I was plugged into my earbuds so I could chat as well. I’m a multitasker. I turned to handle my stove business -hey I gotta eat- and WHAM! My beautiful, amazing sucky insurance replacement iPhone broke. Hated that insurance replacement phone so much. But, with all my insurance replacement phone angst, It was never going to survive the huge belly flop it took onto the ceramic tile floor. Yippee! I can go get a new iPhone! Bye Bye shitty insurance replacement. Damn you and you’re refurbished goods of crap! I run straight to my cell provider and while visions of my new magnificent cell phone dances around in my brain with beautiful thoughts of how I could quickly just buy a new iPhone, they tell me that my contract isn’t up for another month. Wait. What? But… I don’t. Sigh. Understand. Excuse me a moment, while I wipe this droplet of water from my face. I may be perspiring. Or crying. Either way, this blows. I’m crying. The salesman continues continues on by letting me know that if I can wait a few more weeks, the new iPhone will come out and my iPhone model will be a better deal. The horror. Does anyone else hear that woman screaming? Oh, wait… no. Sorry, that’s me. So, now my iPhone is a freaking useless piece of junk. And because I’m always about stumbling upon a better deal… I decide to wait. Now… deep in my thoughts, I’m suddenly interrupted by the proprietor who is trying to sell me a speaker box. Huh? Ok, pay attention cell phone salesman, with what am I going to plug into this fucking speaker box? My finger? Right. I need a new phone and now I need to wait for this phone. Now, away with you, leave me to my sobbing.

Flash forward a week… and now Im using an Android. Ugh. While I’m appreciative towards the lovely man who loaned me this piece of crap… I must say, having to have to adjust to this device, has been quite a nuisance. Like, sitting in traffic while you’re late, kind of nuisance. All my apps I’ve downloaded onto this paperweight looks foreign and operates completely opposite. Or not at all. Welcome to topsy-turvy land folks. And some apps are completely wrong, by the way. They’re named the same thing but suck ass on this phone. Ass. Suck. I’m suddenly going through Siri withdrawals. Note that Siri and I have an undeniable loathing for one another; But, she still address me as Your Majesty. Further allowing me to accept my place in The iPhone Douche Bag Crowd. My crown please. Why Android… why, must everything have a more scenic route to the one function I’m trying to execute? Because you stink. It seems to me, if I want to look at multiple pages in the web browser, there should be a function allowing me to do so. nope. I get a thorny briar patch. Thanks. You’re Welcome. Screw you smelly Android. All I get to do is hit the back arrow. Stupid back arrow. And instead of taking me back a page… what does the touch screen back arrow do? That bastard takes me completely out of the internet. Uh, thanks back-asswards browser arrow button. You missed the mark… again. Guess, I WONT, be buying the shoes that match the cute dress I found because my shopping cart magically disappeared. Probably in the thorny briar patch. I miss you, Siri.