Some (more) Un-Paine-ful Common Sense

Two Kinds

“There are two kinds of coaches. Those that have been fired, and those that are going to be fired.”

I checked both those items off during my brief tenure as a college football coach. Yep, got ‘em both done checked off.

Well, it seems that there is a similar saying for blog writers:

I Probably Deserved That

“There are two kinds of blog writers. Those that have received hate mail, and those that are going to receive hate mail.”

Check box one, and check box two. I am such the overachiever.

So Hateful it is Humorous

A few days ago, I did a piece on how our glorious government should take on the task of bringing an end to the ‘Bulldog’ being used as an athletic team mascot. A few hours after posting, I received an email full of more insults than an article on why people need to be more tolerant.

Initially, I chuckled at the email as I thought it to be written in the same satirical spirit as was my bulldog defense. Soon after the email, though, came a phone call (you see, the author of the hate mail is a close family member).

Early on in the phone call, it became evident that my family member was not only seriously upset with my opinion but also genuinely concerned that I had gone off the deep end. Being that this was someone whom I consider one of my most dear and close family members, I handled the onslaught in a manner consistent with the way in which the majority of us handle criticism from dear and close family members.

Let the Insults Begin

And…The Volley of Insults Thus Begun

We were almost out of breath, my family member and I, when I thought a better recourse might be to explain my position on the article’s true meaning as opposed to explaining my opinion on the family member’s lack of intellect.

So, the rest of the conversation went like this (I must paraphrase, of course, in order to protect identities):

Me: “Okay, family member, let me try and explain it this way. The phrase ‘Un-Paine-ful Common Sense’ was my clear attempt to reference Thomas Paine, a man who clearly spelled out the fact that government was not glorious but rather a necessary evil—at best. Furthermore, any person having given the least amount of attention to Paine’s Common Sense or possessing for himself the least amount of the same would have the understanding that a government ‘s sole purpose is to secure liberty—and that particular task should be carried out in the least intrusive manner possible. Paine would have zero capacity for understanding on how ‘We the People’ not only tolerate but plead for our elected officials to spend time on things as trivial as the name of a sports mascot or protection of a person’s feelings. So, I took that argument closer to its natural and most ridiculous end by putting forth the idea that our government should take up the business of protecting the honor of our pets. So, my dear family member, I now ask you what a person must be inundated with that would make it possible for him or her to believe such an utterly ridiculous petition to the government of the United States of America?”

Family Member: “Well, I am employed at USA University.”

And All is Forgiven

Me: “Enough said. All is forgiven.”

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