Just look at what's being swept in

TIM GOODMAN, EXAMINER TELEVISION CRITIC

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, April 22, 1998

Everything we know we learned from television:

* That gut-rumbling, queasy feeling you're getting has a source. And no, it's not Sam Donaldson's hair. It's worse. It's the coming of May sweeps. That's a time when television climbs off its righteous, thought-provoking, philosophical perch and gets dumb.

* Really dumb.

* Right now, somewhere in Hell, Jerry Springer is going out of his gourd with worry. "Sweeps. I've already got five fights a week and enough swearing and idiot-baiting to make the WWF seem like Shakespeare. How can I top myself?"

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* Hold the letters. We're allowed one vicious thought masquerading as a joke per column.

* Sweeps is going to be bad, people. Stunts, celebrity cameos, tear-jerker finales, more transvestite hookers than you can possibly imagine and more tabloid news than you can stomach.

* Here's how low it will go: The E! documentary on Bob Crane and his lurid descent into "discos, open sex and pornography" has already aired. It was brilliant, by the way.

* You probably don't remember February sweeps. Because instead of four-headed cows and some kind of Oprah starvation diet, everybody chickened out because of the Olympics. Well, you know what they say about self-denial. May promises to be bursting with insanity and schlock. It's enough to make you want to forget it all and just read.

* To which we say, "What are books?"

* This Must Stop I: UPN aired something called

"Unbelievable! America's Wildest Kids" this week. And it was children parodying "Seinfeld." The hype machine just found bottom.

* Remember when "South Park" had that unfunny cliffhanger ending about - or not about - who Cartman's dad is? Well, after lots of angry letters and - surprise! - even more hype, Comedy Central is delivering the goods with a special episode Wednesday night, called

* You may remember that conservative nut job William Donahue of the Catholic League. He led the battle against

"Nothing Sacred." Now he's so incensed about the April 7 episode of the midseason sitcom "That's Life" (which just ended its midseason run on ABC) that he resent tapes to almost everyone in the country (or at least the PC portion of it) complaining.

* To which we say, "Thanks, Bill, we forgot to tape that one."

* So Jimmy Smits is leaving "NYPD Blue." Hmmm. You think that David Caruso is thinking about the greatest comeback since Lazarus?

* The broadcast networks went whining to the Emmy people that HBO's "From the Earth to the Moon" shouldn't qualify as a miniseries. They lost. And when it's Emmy time, they'll lose again - badly. That series, which is currently airing, will dominate.

* They're going to spend $10 million promoting the new Magic Johnson talk show (coming to a channel near you in June). That's a million for every viewer in week four.

* Meanwhile, "The Gayle King Show" got canceled. She should have had pal Oprah on more often. Oprah's got it going on. She's the bomb. We fear her. No one fears Gayle King.

* As predictable as a May sweeps dwarf tossing: Bring me the head of Gayle King.

* Look for NBC to quietly announce that it has killed

"House Rules." The network didn't air the last episode of the midseason show. Hollywood translation: Gone.

* The continuing saga of "Ellen" just got stranger. ABC has decided not to run two remaining, already-filmed episodes, and will only air the hour-long finale. "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" has been doing better in the slot - in fact, it's the best-performing midseason show. That means "Ellen" will essentially go out with a whimper. And a slap to the face by holding back those episodes, but they may be aired in the summer. Hollywood translation: We're done with you.

* Conservative Sen. Orrin Hatch came to Hollywood recently and whined that it's not a town that loves Republicans. He only gets $30,000 from admirers, he told Daily Variety, while Al Gore gets as much as $2 million a stop. Hmmm. What could be the problem? Oh, there it is. Check your guest list, Orrin. Your "star" in attendance was Tony Danza. He got no game.

* The death watch for "Players" is over. The Ice-T

"drama" got yanked by NBC with episodes to burn. By now, you know the Hollywood translation: Buh-bye.