What fish only swims at night? A starfish!

An old man walks up to him and says “You shouldn’t eat so much candy, it’s terrible for your health!”
The kid replies, “Well, my grandpa lived to be 103 years old!”

“What was his secret? Did he eat a lot of candy?”
“No,” the kid says. “He minded his own damn business!”

A positive ion stole an electron yesterday.
He got away with no charge.

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

I’m great at multitasking!
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My girlfriend likes it when I am silent.
She thinks I am listening.

Why does the end of the world never come?
Because it’s round.

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.

She replied in a huff ‘I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

Once there were two pirates who were identical twins…

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. “All hands on deck!” The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, “Fire the heavy artillery!”

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

“What did you do that for?” The captain asked.
“Sorry sir,” the pirate replied. “But I’m sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery.”