Clarkson ‘ironically’ disembowelled

Family favourite Jeremy Clarkson has had his intestines removed in a joke evisceration. The Top Gear presenter, who is well known for making crass and insensitive remarks, was invited to make good on his comment: “I’d rather cut out my guts and par-boil them in olive oil than be overtaken by a woman in a Renault”.

Co-presenter James May sought reassurance that Clarkson meant what he had said, after which a traditional hara-kiri throne and samurai sword were brought on set. The other one, thingy Hammond proceeded to goad the audience while Clarkson, sweating profusely, plunged the two foot sword into his stomach and fell forward, decapitating himself on a sharpened bootscraper.

“Seppuku is commonly undertaken by noble warriors seeking to atone for crimes of cowardice, for military failure, or as an apology to wider society,’ a spokesman for the BBC said. “As such, it was the best way we could apologise for putting a total cockmonkey on your screens.”