Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 6 - Numb to Reality

In six days
I’ve gone up and come back down, and now I’m in some kind of weird numbness-limbo
state in which I feel lost and directionless. Except this time it may have more
to do with my current reality/situation. I’ m about to move away again and last
time this happened I went numb as well. I thought I wasn’t feeling anything
last time either, but then I started crying right before I went to get into the
car. I remember right before that, when I was having breakfast, my whole face
felt so heavy, yet I’m so used to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t even
realize I was sad. The sadness comes from regret.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a
back seat when I could have stood up as myself as life in moments where I
instead allowed fear and ‘old habits’ direct me instead of directing myself
Here as Life.

These ‘old habits’ are suppression and introversion, wherein
I internalize everything in moments of fear. I commit mself to pushing though
the fear of self-expression, bit by bit by bit until I’m able to express me
without being influenced by fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk
without certainty, without direction, aimlessly while occupied and entertained
by my backchat, fantasies, ego and imagination while in reality I was/am stagnating
and accumulating consequences and not Living.

I commit myself to work on self-direction, wherein I stick to
my principles as goals, by making practical goals and then working towards them
by taking practical steps in the Hereness of each moment, because that is the
only place that I move me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waste
time not living due to fear, patterns and habits instead of fearlessly living
Life as an equal, and one with the substance that is Here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not
believe in myself, in my Hereness and my real actual living presence, and
instead I abdicate myself to my past, and limit myself based on the beliefs I
hold onto that are based on past memories and experiences, and limit and
contain myself within ego, believing myself to be that and only that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge
others and to diminish others through my judgment of them without considering their
entire situation and the process they have been through to get there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge
and diminish myself through judging others, and not bringing it back to myself,
but separating myself from others by judging them and believing my judgments to
be real instead of realizing/remembering that the only judgment is
self-judgment, and that which I judge in others is what I am refusing to look
at and acknowledge within myself.

I commit myself to live without judgment, and to instead use
judgment as an indicator of whatI judge within me, so that I may forgive it and
change it or stop it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed stress and
anxiety to exist within and as me, wherein I participated in the mind of stress
and anxiety to the point of destructiveness, towards myself and my
relationships with those around me. In this, I forgive myself that I accepted
and allowed myself to grow frustrated, angry and annoyed by others when I lack
self-direction and within and through that, I create stress and anxiety within
me over time, but blame others for it in the moments when others enter my world
when I am stressed or anxious.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for that which I am and participate within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recoil
in fear instead of standing as Life when things are tense, stressful or
intense, wherein I become reactive instead of directing myself through the
experience without participating in that which gives me the excuse to react.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go
into ego around others instead of facing myself as them as equals, such as
listening with absolute openness and without reactions, thoughts or judgments,
understanding each is in their own process, and allowing myself to be okay with
that and comfortable with that without feeling responsible for others in terms
of guilt or a savior complex. I allow myself to simply listen and hear and
grasp and understand because I am Here with many many other beings, equal and
one.

These are the things I regret in my final days in this place.
I understand that regret is the result of not standing and not living fully
present and aware in every moment, and is the result of letting go, because the
egoic projections were not met, and thus the ego has lost the game of imaginary
winners.

I allow myself to take the lessons and mistakes from these
past two years, and carry them with me until I have walked them through in
their entirety, so that I may not repeat them again, but instead learn from
them what it is I need to do/change, where it is necessary for me to direct,
what I must forgive, and which actions will lead to a world that’s best for
all.

I commit myself to standing and creating a world that’s best
for all in every moment of breath, starting with the smallest things and my
immediate relationships, because that is where I am so that is where I need to
start.

I commit myself to
hearing/listening/understanding people in my world, so that I may develop relationship
of equality with them within self-honesty and presence that I may lead by
example in my words and my world.

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About Me

Hi, my name is Kimberly Kline (nee Doubt). I stand for an Equal Money System- I stand for a dignified life for all beings and I will no longer accept or allow this system of human greed and self-interest that is causing suffering, starvation and abuse for the masses. Every 'solution' we have tried so far has failed- from the United Nations to the United Church. Individual self-change and leadership by example is where it's at. I humbly commit myself to this process and invite anyone who has respect for Life to join me and walk with me, beside me, as self-willed equals, until all are free from the global compromise humanity has created for itself.
Join Desteni for further discussions about world systems and humanity's place within them. Visit Desteni.org and Equalmoney.org.