Messages - tommyardin

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's. He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body can increase up 3 or 4 times it's normal size when stimulated?"There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says, "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will give you the sack!The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says, "The part of the body that increases in its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.""Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says, "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day when you are a grown up you're going to be very very very disappointed."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at theCountry Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-oldblonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal andcharm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, theycorner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get that trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade herto marry you?" I lied about my age", Bob replies. What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was over 90."

A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,

And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking Out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with Cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes And lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned.

Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry he said, I didn't mean to be unkind by being judgemental.How long Have you had arthritis?'The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

Dear Sharpie, (Fazersharp)Perhaps you have heard of me and my nation-wide campaign, in the cause of temperance. Each year for the last fourteen, I have made a tour of Scotland, England and Wales, and have delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking and drugs. On these tours I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant, by the name of Raymond Powell.

Raymond a young man of good family and excellent background, a bit like yourself, but is a pathetic example of a life ruined by the excessive indulgence in gin, pot and women.

Raymond would appear with me at the lecture and sit on the platform, wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene gestures, while I would point him out as an example of what drinking etc. can do to a person.

Last summer, unfortunately, Raymond died. A mutual friend has given me your name and I wonder if you would care to take Raymond's place on my next tour?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker said you can have her body shipped home for £5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150. The man thought about it for a minute and said that he wanted her body shipped home to England.The Undertaker asked why he would do that and spend £5,000 to have her shipped home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only £150. The man replied ‘About 2,000 years a man died here, and was buried and on the third day rose again from the dead.I just can not take that chance.

A Scotsman walks into a dentist practice and enquires about the cost of having a tooth extracted, the dentist replies ‘that will be £210’, the Scotsman sucks in air rapidly and says ‘my my that’s far to much, how much would it cost if a junior dentist were to pull the tooth?’ The dentist replied ‘that would be £160’ the Scotsman said ‘now that’s a lot better but it’s still too much money how about if the apprentice did the work’, the dentist replied that it was not the usual practice for the apprentice to do extractions, but the Scot said oh that’s ok I don’t mind at all, so the dentist agreed and said that the cost would now be £95, Yes that more like it said the Scot, now how much would it be if you were to pull the tooth without any anaesthetic. To this the dentist replied that would be incredibly painful, Auch! Said the Scot ‘the pain is no a worry how much?’ The dentist said the if the apprentice did the extraction with no anaesthetic the cost would be £55-00, that great said the Scotsman can you book the wife in for tomorrow morning.

Sorry to piss on your big bag of humbugs but I love Christmas. I love the songs, the films, the cards and presents (getting and giving) the food and drink, the decorations and the time off work, although I agree that glitter can get a bit annoying I don't like winter and Christmas is a happy time during the darkest time of the year. It would be a long drag to Spring without it.

Oh a voice of reason in the joyful season, in the midst of a load of old sad bastids, what a grumpy load of old kill joy miserable fuckers you lot are.I'm with Vinnyb, it is an oasis of brightness and joy in the midst of the grottiest season in the year.I love Christmas, the Carols, the Cards, the Nativity service at my local Church, giving and getting, Turkey, Port, Slow Gin, Hate glitter though.Cheer up you sour faced load of grumpy fuck pigs what the matter with you all (with the exception of Vinny )

Filtering again but try this....Next time you see a guy with his arm on the open window of his van (van drivers are best) just give his arm a little stroke as you go by then watch in your mirrors at their reaction - priceless

Then watch him get out of his van at the next set of red lights and punch you in the head

Can anyone tell me the standard length (Number of links) of the FZS 600 2003. seen some on eGay at a reasonable price so thought I might get one and stick it in the shed for future use. I have a new rear and front sprocket in the man drawer in the shed plus a spare big upgrade front sprocket nut and tab washer, I also have a little one but that's something else. .

My front sprocket 16 tooth, I believe it is one tooth up on standard, unless you know better.

I am now thinking of buying a thousand and selling them on at half price, every one I buy I am 30 pence better off plus the £4.85p I get for each half price can I sell.Potentially making £9700.00, that should help out over Chrimbo.

You're also likely to get bored riding the Bonneville if you're over 60. Looks great, dull ride....for a dull but quirky left of field ride I'd rather have an Indian Enfield at a fraction of the price.

Well I am 71 and the Bonny would bore the f--k outta me Oh! and the other thing about the bonny why Oh why did they put a seat on that is less comfortable than a park bench.

Sound advice, I'll wait till next year once I've been running around de-restricted for a while

My buddy 'Wildplum' had a 2013 Bonny T140 Thruxton, lovely bike, but could not keep with my 2003 FZS 600, not on acceleration or top speed.The handling of the Bonny was pretty amazing though.The picture below is not Wildplum's Bonny but exactly the same model and colour scheme, cracking looking bike (If you like naked bikes)

If your looking for a quicker bike that an unrestricted FZS 600 the Bonny is not the way to go.

Top Speed 126-132mph Depending on who you believe0-60mph in 5 seconds.

The FZS 600 overall performs better, the T140 has a lot of grunt and is a beautiful looking machine, but I think the FZS 600 in any of its guises is a cracking looking retro machine and definitely make its owners smile, I still have my FZS 600, Wildplum sold his Thruxton.

The first can is 450 ml @ £7.49 a can (Good price) that works out at 8.32 pence per 5 ml application.The second can is 5 litres at £22.50 a can (A very good price) that works out at 1 pence exactly per 5 ml application, a good saving, along with the can you get a free reasonably good quality spray bottle (Cost you £2.50 in the Garden Centre).

What I like about this system is you can mix WD40 with engine oil and spray it into awkward areas, it gets oil/lube into difficult places that would be almost impossible to get.Another good use of the oil/WD mix is on motorcycle drive chains, not to lube them particularly but if you jet wash a chain this mixture will drive out the water (WD=Water displacement) and add a little lube prior to a quick wipe down with a rag and lubing in your usual way.

WD is great on electric as well, for water displacement.

I just wish I had something better to do on the wet Sunday afternoon. I do have new NGK straight plug caps to go on, but, no room to work in the shed, the wind is howling through the covered way down the side of my house and the rain is bouncing about 9 inches up off the patio as it lands.

Me thinks there is more than one bored to F--k Fazer owner wishing the weather was better and find something more constructive to do than sit on their computer making platitudes and overtures of never ending friendship and willingness to help.

This image will be very useful, given the vast array of similar hats to be found in the vicinity of the lake. Thank-you Tommy, most thoughtful. I have printed it and shall take it with me. The vibrant Welsh Daffodil should be sufficient to distinguish your hat from the run of the mill versions roaming amongst the pheasants in this area.

Thank you so much for you fast response and your willingness to go that extra mile in helping out a fellow Fazer (Foccer) owner, should you ever be unfortunate enough to have a loss, nay a bereavement such as the loss of an old friend (Say a hat) in Hampshire, I will spring to your aid in helping to recover said article.

Not your average biker music, but this guy is an absolute inspiration.

His name is Nicholas Macathy I saw him in concert (My Wife's idea not mine) in London and was completely blown away by this guy, he is a left hand pianist, its not just that he plays left handed he has no lower right arm at all.Not saying you will like the music, you may, but its worth just watching and listening to what can be achieved with dedication and balls the size of footballs.