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Sex defines more than just our close relationships, it defines our community, our friendships, whether people want to hang out or not, what status we have with others in their hearts... because of its very raw and primal nature, I think we gravitate to those that are like us and sluff off those that are not, based on sex... and other things too.

Having sex with someone means not being able to get back to where you once were with someone and those around you who know of your relationship. This can be a disastrous thing or a beautiful thing. Depending on the situation and those involved.

Sometimes having sex with someone is currency in our poly community. Once the line is crossed, its crossed it seems. Another definition of who you are to that person is created... they become something. Your relationship becomes something more or less to others. To some people in the poly community the strongest friendships come out of sex, it defines their place within their constellation. To others it is a division of friendship. A line that is almost impossible to navigate over to become more connected friends.

What people do with their parts is huge for almost everyone I think... when we know something about someone or experience them in a sexual way, it creates change in wonderful and basic root ways within us... even just hearing about it! Not even being engaged with that person...

Put it this way. If I were someones friend because we enjoy running together and they find out that I am a sex trade worker, a change occurs. It changes everything about that relationship, whether we want it too or not... if they found out I am a concert pianist, meh, who cares (unless they are a violinist or something). It doesn't really make a change in the same way. The depth of knowledge about me in the eyes of that other person is different and more vulnerable... an opinion is formed and I am judged differently. The information has more clout in a make and break kind of way. The relationship I am in with that person I run with is more black and white. If they know now that I play piano there is less black and white... more gray.

If you think about it, regardless if sex is happening or not, the whole just talking about it, thinking about it,,, it even existing in a relationship(s) changes everything.

When I think of my past and who I am now, there is not one single time I can think of where once the sex topic came up it did not change my relationships with people...

It has defined who I am to some people, defined whether or not they deem me worthy of their time. It does change everything, for the better or not, depending on your belief.

I spent the day on Saturday at a pin-up photo shoot. I didn't know anyone there, but some of them knew me from the burlesque show I was in... it was exciting to pass on my experiences to them and to listen to them talk of their hopes and aspirations with the trade of flirt and tease.

The room was small and hot... sticky and stinky of pussy and sweat... such is what happens when a bunch of naked women get together. The photographer was incredibly patient, empowering, creative, respectful and took a back seat to our experience. He was a really nice man and I really appreciated his tact. Not one single noticeable ogle.

The pictures I got were great! I got two gigs out of the day, some valentines presents and had a whole day to get lost in pretty, flirty clothing, make up and confident women of all ages coming together to be themselves and be real! There was not one woman there that fell into the bullshit that is handed to us about what is beautiful, sexy and attractive about the female body. I love that shit!

I thought the point of burlesque shows and pin up photo's was to ogle. Now I'm going to have to look up ogle. I'm sure I would have ogled seems like an ogleling situation. <kidding> D

In burlesque it is considered rude and uncooth to show your cookie and nips off. To even expose them is not appropriate behaviour for a lady

Of course some artists push this... which is the point, where as others push by not showing anything and taking off stuff and still being dressed... creativity abounds...

At the photo shoot we couldn't help showing some stuff off as we hurriedly changed and rearranged our parts... he respected the ethics of it all and averted his eyes... not only that, he didn't even let on that he even cared. He has been in the community for a long while. Probably because of this reason. There are other men that help out (suitcases of costumes get heavy! and someone has to do the lights!) and they also are respectful and understand its a show. We are all there to preform... a man that ogles doesn't last long. The women can't concentrate when they are being oggled and they don't take kindly to that at all, unless someone has paid to watch their show of course!

I went to a party the other night of a new friend of mine that I am just getting to know a bit better. She is very quiet at our social gatherings but makes an attempt to come and when she invited me to her event I was pleased and glad to be there to find out more about her and her life.

When I walked in the room was filled with Lesbians. I was THRILLED! I used to identify as such for ten years and really miss the energy my community at the time produced.

I sat for a time and then began talking to some of the women there. For a time I had anxiety about not being accepted as this was my experience back in the day as a bi woman pretending to be lesbian... mostly. I hid in the community due to some of the believes that my friends had at the time.

When I discovered that I felt strong enough I told them about myself a bit more and then it came out that I am poly.

For an hour we talked about this. I to responded to all their questions and we talked of the trial here in BC over the polygamy law... there was much confusion and misunderstanding, some stories of relationship dynamics that had gone array and I did my best to explain where I am at and what I have learned.

My poor dear friend... ha! She just took it all in. I will have to ask her what she thought... she is struggling as a lesbian to be out in her community about being poly. I am hoping I did poly enough justice to make her friends feel more at ease...

So, a week after breaking a boundary and things are settling. I have the hard task of telling Leo that I will not be able to sit close to him anymore and that our "dates" will be constricted to some very stern rules... I say rules, because there will be on fluid boundaries.

This is my choice. There is no reason to carry on the way we have done and I have to scale my relationship of non sexual boyfriend back to friend.

I won't see him until March 3rd or something so I have some time to prepare. I am sad and feeling like just shutting him out entirely, but that is not fair and just reactionary. Every day he sends a little message and I respond as cheerfully as I can so as to not let on what is going on... I don't want him to worry. He is happy and feeling content so I think he deserves to have that for a time.

He will be mad that I didn't tell him sooner, but I can't seem to bring myself to until I feel stable and that I can honestly say that me and Mono will be okay. That is his prime concern and I know that. If he thinks we are doing badly then he will be very upset... not worth it I think.

PN was concerned that I wanted him in my life and that time would be divided even more tightly. When I assured him that it wouldn't and that nothing had changed in that respect he was okay... worried about Mono, but okay. Derby I don't think is concerned at all about what I did... at least she hasn't said as much and we have talked about it lots. I asked her and she made some comments but none that make me think she is worried about it all.

I know this might sound crazy to some and I totally get that. Mono thinks that he will sound crazy to some also... but so be it. This is how it has to be. I have committed to my families happiness and it will not be happy unless I make a sacrifice. All I ask is to be respected for that. I don't require understanding, but acceptance and respect for taking one for the team...

I ache and am sad, but I will get over it and life will go on. I don't always need to get my way. This is one of those moments.

I am reminded of the mono relationships I have had in the past. The feeling is eerily familiar. Then I had no idea why I felt sad, but now I know. There is some peace in knowing some how.

For what it's worth, I strongly advocate for expansive love... love multiplies when you give it away... I am not able to do that, but I believe in that and it is my true nature. I will find other ways to give and have already... there are options

This all makes me feel as if I am not worthy of writing on this forum any more. I am in a monogamous relationship with three people at this point. Poly fi after all. It will take me a bit to gain confidence in that... I am not comfortable yet with my place.

Please don't be hard on Mono, he is staying true to his needs and I respect him for that. I fucked up here, not he. I did it. I own it and I am being accountable.

Life is all about making the best decisions that you can at any point in time.

And if anyone feels like giving any of you a hard time - I'd suggest that person just go jump in a lake...

The difficult times you have been through will not be eased by judgement from others...but will be eased by support from others.

And this forum is full of all sorts of people, with all different types relationship structures and opinions and ideas...the idea is everyone is worthy of writing eh ? You may feel you are not worthy of writing - But that's a feeling not a fact