Secret’s out

Like any other normal person, I have my fair share of life secrets. Now when I say secrets, I mean that there are things that some people may or may not know about me but every single detail about me has been revealed to someone at some point in my life. Well I’ve been living with a secret for about 2 years now and on saturday, that secret managed to slip out, inadvertently causing the rest of my life to fall into a million pieces (not that far of an exaggeration). Since then I’ve been a mess, mentally and physically all the while trying to maintain a shred of normalness since I still have school to deal with. Its been a tough few days, most of it spent alone, cleaning, reading and crying.

I never meant to hide what I did and I never lied nor wanted to lie which is why when confronted, I let it all slip out and owned up to my actions. Their reactions were appropriate, however far too exaggerated. What they said was demeaning and hurtful and it turned out exactly as I had expected. We haven’t spoken since and probably won’t for a long time.

Some people might get the notion that there’s a little bit of relief when a secret slips out but not this time, not this secret. If anything, I just feel empty, as though that last secret kept me alive. I was partially in control of my life and my choices and now I fear I must revert back to their control, their rules, their threats. I don’t know how one moves on from here. I haven’t spoken to him in more than a week and after taking some time to contemplate what happened and our inability to get in touch, a part of me doesn’t want to go back anymore. Some thing in life get broken beyond repair and all you can do is pick yourself up and keep walking. I feel like I’ve lost a lot and although I will never put blame on him for making me decide, I see now that I shouldn’t have been in a position to make that kind of choice. I haven’t lost everything, not yet at least but it still feels that way.

Moving on now will be very tough, on either side. My relationship with my family may be broken for good, seeing how it was already suffering beforehand. But I guess now is my opportunity to move forward on my own, rely solely on myself the way I used to. It’s a lonely journey when you walk alone but at least you can count on yourself and be sure that no one can break your heart…