Introvert Relationship Boundaries: 3 Crucial Tips

One of the biggest challenges that introverts face is learning to set healthy boundaries. We might have grown up feeling shame about our need for solitude. For many of us, asking for space stirs up feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

This can make it difficult for us to set healthy boundaries in our relationships. We might so desperately want to please the person we love that we set aside our own needs. Many of us keep our true desires hidden like a dirty secret – as if it were unethical to want some time alone. Or a lot of time alone.

The other tendency we have is to be so dependent on the few people we care about that we smother them. I’ve struggled with this one. My boundaries are pretty unshakeable when it comes to acquaintances and even most friends. But if I really love and trust someone, I want to be with them. And only them. A lot.

So, how do we go about setting healthy boundaries in our relationships? Here are three crucial tips:

Do it early

The big mistake most introverts make is waiting too long to talk about boundaries. This usually has to do with shame. You feel guilty about asking for what you want, so you put it off.

Then, when you do express your needs, the other person feels confused and hurt. They don’t understand why it was okay for them to call you out of the blue three times a day before, but now it drives you nuts. They can’t figure out why you all of a sudden need space, when a couple of weeks ago you spent every waking moment together.

The moral of the story: prevent future confusion by setting boundaries early on in the relationship.

Spread the love

If you’re anything like me, you feel really excited when you stumble upon that rare unicorn of a person who you can spend oodles of time with without feeling drained. When you find such a friend, or lover, you might be tempted to focus all of your attention on him or her.

Be sure to schedule in time for yourself and the other people in your life, so you don’t completely smother your favorite playmate.

Give yourself permission

Some of us are still stuck in our childhood mindset of constantly needing permission. We expect others to tell us what is acceptable behavior. But the truth is, part of being an adult is learning how to give yourself permission. I’ve listed some examples of permissions below.

I give myself permission to …

• spend one day of the weekend completely by myself without feeling guilty
• say no to couples and group activities that I don’t enjoy, provided that I do so in a polite and considerate way
• go on one trip a year without my partner

What about you, innie friend?

Do you struggle with setting boundaries in relationships? Do you have any additional tips to add to the list?

Xo,

P.S. We dive deep into how to make and maintain meaningful relationships in my Fulfilling Connections For Introverts Course. Learn more. >>

7 Comments

Lucy
on August 26, 2014 at 7:06 pm

Number 2 in an introvert thing?? I thought this was just me. It is so easy to just hang out with my partner because he meets all my social needs and I don’t have to make any small talk, and often don’t even need to leave the house! Problem is he is totally extroverted and needs a range of people to converse with…

I have to deal with the same thing Lucy. I guess in some way opposites attract lol. My partner is always quiet even though he is extroverted. So when he goes out he pretty much listens to his friends and might say something every once in a while. I on the other hand don’t mind hanging out for maybe and hour or two if we are having fun, but if I’m not I wanna go home. I usually dread going out with my partner, he wants to stay out all night with his friends.

I can completely relate to nearly smothering a friend. I have to check myself all the time for that. What I’m struggling with right now though is that the friend is an extrovert and Likes to be with lots of other friends, sometimes one other in particular. Wondering if it’s a personality in/ex thing or just personal preference on their part. I feel like I’m acting like a jealous fool when I let it bother me… But he’s my person and I want him all to myself!!

It’s hard to try to be in a relationship, especially a new one, when the other person is so ” into you” but you still need your space – they feel rejected and unwanted. My bf and I just broke up because he couldn’t understand or respect my boundaries and my need for alone time. He was very smothering and controlling 🙁

I’ve never been in a close relationship with anyone besides my family, so being introverted has made me worry about how to go about my need for time alone; and this advice will really help me later in life. Thank you so much for this.