Reconstructing the Crime

I walked into the bathroom stall you recently vacated and immediately backed out making little sounds of disgust.

You left a used toilet seat cover on the seat.

The split second I was in there, I saw that the water was clear.

So kudos on flushing.

But really, explain to me… how does that happen?

I went into another stall. I was alone in the bathroom, but I felt the need to leave a stall between myself and your used paper ring because even though you weren’t actually in there with me, the ghost of your butt lingered.

How exactly does one leave a bathroom stall and not realize that the paper ring you just sat on is still fluttering around the edges of the toilet seat?

Since you were kind enough to flush, I presume you also wiped. I don’t know that for sure. I have only my faith (a faith that is quickly fading) in the personal hygiene of others as proof.

When you shifted to wipe the paper must have crinkled – it isn’t silent. Then, what…?

While still seated, you reached around behind you for the toilet handle and flushed?

I find that odd, but what do I know? Maybe you were trying to cover up a smell.

Flushing is my last order of business in a bathroom stall (and is usually done with my foot), but hey, different strokes for different folks.

Pulling up your pants or down your skirt must have been very preoccupying because then you had to have opened the stall door and exited without looking around at all.

Seriously, my kids don’t even do that.

Wait. I’m presuming this was an accident.

Maybe it wasn’t.

Maybe… maybe you meant for the next person to push the cover into the bowl for you.

Was the paper ring too gross for you to push into the bowl with your own sparkling clean hands? Because I have news for you, babe.

If you wiped, you got a little somethin’ on your hand. Toilet paper isn’t exactly water proof. And I’m willing to bet that toilet handle you used to flush with wasn’t something you’d eat your lunch off of either.

And, if the paper ring was too gross for you to pick up, how do you think the rest of us feel about doing it?

I find it hard to believe that anyone could be so deliberately inconsiderate, though my cynicism grows daily.

I will choose — this time — to believe it was an accident. And I’ll let you off the hook with a warning: