Locker Room Material

You guys, I don't know how long this has been going on, but if the guys in the locker room haven't seen this before, I'm about to unleash hell on the Hoos. I debated on whether or not I should post this out of fear that James Gayle wouldn’t be able to restrain himself until Saturday from cracking skulls. But the people have a right to know.

A little background...I brought my FSU alum cousin down last Thursday for his first Lane experience. On the way down, I made a comment that he was about to see more camo per fan than any time in his college football fan experience. He scoffed, made some comments about the panhandle being 'Lower Alabama' and that there is plenty of camo to be seen in Tally. We park and enjoy some refreshments while waiting for my brother in law to get there. Of the next three vehicles that pull in, all of the occupants get out and immediately start pulling on those camo thermal body suits over their clothes. My cousin immediately conceded the argument.

So imagine my surprise, while perusing some new apparel for exercising at the gymnasium on a sporting goods website when I was offered this as a suggested product I may be interested in...

This is unconscionable. I associate my Hokies with Appalachia, Bourbon, moonshine, turkey legs and camo. You won't see us wearing bow ties and singing terrible holiday songs at football games. We'll show up with alcohol (potentially some that we made ourselves) in our bloodstream and stashed on our persons, we'll eat our mascot during the game and be dressed ready to hit the deer stand afterwards. Now, I'm sure there's some folks in our fan base that enjoy a bit of wine now and then, or some tasty Carr's crackers and cheese. I'm also pretty sure the camo fans I mentioned above would be in a mutually exclusive part of a Hokie fan Venn diagram, but that's another story for another day. The point is, we have our limits and our standards.

Now, would Hokie fans build a Saturday agenda with the football stadium only included as a quick stop for a quarter or so on their way to a Twilight movie? No. Would a Hokie dress for a football game like they were going to a cocktail party or a poetry reading? HELL no. Would a Hokie ever link arms and sing a New Years Eve song after a score? Not when there’s Metallica to be played on the PA. Would a Hokie ever tolerate a mascot that dresses like someone from a Ren Fair glee club? I think we all understand the established pattern here.

My point is, there are certain lines that should not be crossed. We’ll leave you your Mr. Jefferson, your ‘grounds’ and your weird way of referring to the years of your students, because frankly we don’t have a gaping hole in our collective self confidence that requires us to use snooty special vocabulary. We’ll even smile and nod when you insist on the superiority of your education and pedigree and our future subservient position to you, even though I think by now everyone knows that’s a bunch of malarkey. And in return, I think it’s only fair that the Hoos respect OUR traditions and stay the hell out of Bass Pro Shop when getting their team gear.

Is this a sign that the Hoo fan base is becoming envious of our superior football prowess, alcohol production capabilities and/or choice of outdoor activities? Who I am to say it’s not? Frankly, polo sucks and I’d rather be holding a gun, too. But we have traditions to uphold in this great Commonwealth. Our fans get to enjoy bourbon, turkey legs, ACC Championships and Januarys in Miami and New Orleans, and your fans get to be bow tie wearing pretentious douchebags for no understandable reason. Accept your lot in life or choose a better school next time.

Thanks for helping me get the word out. Once Bud gets wind of this, I’m betting he’ll use this to help make damn sure it IS nine wins in a row. Oh, and once this hits the locker room bulletin board, I’d stay the hell out of Bruce Taylor’s way.

DISCLAIMER: Blog posts may not have been written or edited by The Key Play staff.