Not only am I trying to organise my Dad's life (part him not being able to, I think it's a man thing, and part me taking control), find thoughtful Christmas presents for everyone (on a tight budget), keep Lil occupied (because she is starting to get bored pretty quickly), do the housework (to be honest, chores are low on my list of priorities and I'm ashamed to say it's started to show - whatevs) and find some time for myself, I also find myself running my husbands life even though our calendars and to do lists now sync. Gay, I know.

I've a million and one things I want to tell you, things Lil has been getting up to (she said 'bum' today and it made me so proud, it's my favourite word) but I can't remember half of the things I want to say. I wrote a post in my head at 11pm last night, I could have just written it straight out but I had a song playing in my head that kept stalling me (I won't tell you what it is, you'll think I'm a bad parent). I've lists to write, organising to do as well as packing up the rest of my Dad's flat. I just have to watch the next two episodes of Pan Am, I'm obsessed, but Lil isn't interested and would rather roll around and attempt to crawl which requires my full attention, play or watch Waybuloo. Selfish or what.

There aren't enough hours in the day and life is just whizzing by. Somebody pause time please...

When it comes to people buying clothes for Lil, I'm quite fussy. A snob, perhaps. I don't care if it cost £5 or £50 but I do care about quality (she has sensitive skin), what colour it is (I detest baby pink) and whether or not it has a print. I'm all about prints, darling.

To find a shop that sells products made from 100% cotton, doesn't cost the Earth and stocks some really cool prints is hard. It wasn't until I started talking to Jen from KyNa Boutique on Twitter that I realised that shop was staring me in the face.

The products stocked have been tried and tested by her two sons and are highly recommended by herself. 'Recommended by Mumma' products are welcomed at IOSWYT, it saves us busy Mums from traipsing around trying to find things that will make ours and our little ones life easier. Jen has done the work for us!

Delivery is free, saving you pounds and your parcel gets wrapped up in a cute little bundle. Perfect! And all returns are free!

The last week or so has been a hard one. Lil's teething like you wouldn't believe, neither of us are sleeping much and she doesn't want to be close to me (except for at bedtime when she falls asleep on me or next to me). I haven't had much time to do anything, I still have this months issue of Elle to read, washing and ironing to do and I haven't started a proper beauty routine like I promised myself last weekend. I just don't have the energy for body brushing, facials scrubs and masks and soaking my cuticles. I'm so tired.

Keeping a teething baby occupied and happy is the hardest job I've had to do as a mother so far. I dread to think how tired I'm going to be once she's crawling...

This weekend we went to Jacob's first birthday party, one of Lil's new friends, and she made a whole bunch of other baby friends and I made some new Mumma friends which was lovely. Leila (Jacob's mumma) made us feel so welcome and Lil instantly took to Jacob, she thought it was hilarious that he could crawl while she could only manage a bum shuffle which we all found funny. But as she always does just recently, she turned into a grotbag and we had to leave. Yesterday we spent the day indoors trying to keep her happy which was a massive struggle but she finally went to sleep at 8pm and didn't wake up two hours later which is what she did every night last week.

One of her top front teeth cut this morning so one more to go and she'll have the four front ones. Maybe then she'll cheer up? Tell me it gets better....

It's Lil's first Christmas this year and I know she can't read (although sometimes I wonder...) but we have ordered her a letter from Santa. I thought it would be great to put in her keepsake box to show her when she's old enough to know who Santa is and it's a special 'Baby's 1st Christmas' one too so it's extra special.

When I found out Santa wasn't real I was heartbroken. Even now I still believe it's just party poopers being mean and that he does exist. I guess I'm a secret romantic at heart and never really stopped believing. You can laugh and call me a loser but it makes me smile.

I've spent the entire weekend questioning my decision to go back to work. I woke up yesterday morning and it started to dawn on me that maybe I had made a mistake. I tried to push it to the back of my mind and was reassured by a handful of people that it was the right thing to do. I was going to be fine, I kept telling myself.

It wasn't until my Dad and his girlfriend came round that I really started to panic. She works in a nursery and was telling me about a little girl she looks after that had just started to walk. Previously she had shown no interest in walking but that day she had taken her first few steps. When her mother had collected her later that day, she gently broke the exciting news that her daughter could now walk knowing that the child's mother would be upset she missed it.

What if I missed Lil's first steps? I promised myself I wouldn't return to work until she was one and here I was, thinking about what to wear on my first day. I know she could start walking at any time and there is a possibility I wouldn't be there to see it but at least I would be close by and not busy at work. I could get to her easily and quickly if she was at my Mums or Nans.

I spent the rest of the evening wondering what to do. Lil is teething again with her next two teeth and has been very clingy and I found myself crying when she fell asleep on my chest, this isn't something she has done before. I put this down to hormones, doubting my decision to return to work and feeling emotional with Lilian.

When I was pregnant I told my husband I wouldn't be going back to work until Lil was one. I wanted to spend every waking moment with her and watch her every move.

Seven months after giving birth and the record has changed. It has recently been on the cards that I'd go back to work in January, there was a possibility of a part time role at a company I had worked for eight years ago (God, I'm old...) but nothing was in writing so I decided to just wait and see.

So yesterday I got a call asking If I wanted to work a trial period between now and Christmas and if I liked what I was doing and they liked what I was doing, go back to work properly in February. I didn't even think about saying no, after the past few hellish weeks I jumped at the opportunity. Two phone calls and some negotiating later, I have a job!

So from Tuesday I'm a working mama. How exciting!

I'm a little nervous at the prospect of leaving Lil even though I know she'll be looked after marvellously by my Mum and Nan, excited to be back in the (slightly slower) rat race, looking forward to a lot more adult conversation and anxious to see if Lil's face will light up when I get home. We haven't been the best of friends lately so I'm hoping this will bring us a lot closer. I think she's sick of my face and I know I'm sick of CBeebies.

I don't know if it's because Lil is teething like a mother fucker and I'm super tired and cant seem to get rid of my cough, because she's quickly turning in to a Daddy's girl or because we just haven't bonded yet.

I've been thinking a lot about whether or not we've bonded. Some days I'm full of pride when I look at her and she melts my black heart with her smiles. Other days I look at her and think to myself how much she's ruined my life and when she's really playing up I think I hate you. And then she'll stop and I'll feel like a monster for wanting my old life back for a split second. I don't hate her. Sometimes I dislike the mood she's in or the way she's being but I don't dislike her.

She doesn't want to be affectionate: she hates cuddles, she wont fall asleep on me. Is this all my fault?

Would she be more affectionate if I had breastfed? Would I be feeling this way if I had breastfed? I've read that babies who aren't breastfed have bonding issues with their mother both when they're young and when they're adults. I know a lot of Mums that are breastfeeding/have breastfed and they and their babies seem so content. Don't get me wrong, there are days when Lil seems like the most peaceful, happy baby in the world. But would I feel at peace if I'd have done what is natural? Or maybe it's because I never had a natural birth?

I guess I'll never know now. It's just something that is continually playing on my mind, Especially when she gives me one of her looks that says fuck you (obviously she doesn't know what that means, I HOPE).

Let's hope it just the teeth and lack of sleep and that it gets better.

I'm a sucker for a beauty product but find I rarely have the time to shop for new ones now Lilian is around. So when I heard about Glossy Box from the magical land of Twitter I was on it straight away. Now I know I'm slow and that they've been around for a while but when you have a kid you sometimes fall out of the loop on these things.

Today my first box arrived and it was such a nice surprise to come home to. If, like me, you find yourself taking yourself up to the bathroom to pamper yourself for half an hour only to find you forgot to pop to Boots to get some goodies then Glossy Box is for you.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'm going to be 26. While this is no age, I'm pretty depressed about it. I don't feel 26, I feel 56.

If you'd have told me two years ago that by 26 I would be married with a baby, I would have told you to fuck off and carried on drinking my vodka tonic whilst scanning the room for someone to flirt with. Oh how times have changed...

I'm not unhappy, quite the opposite. It has just been a bit of a culture shock. The baby bubble has burst and I feel like a haggard old housewife.

So what will my 26th year bring? A lot of luxury I'm hoping. And I don't mean lots of expensive things. Some nice bubble baths and lots of scrumptious lotions and potions for my body. 'Cause lets face it, it ain't what it used to be.

My 26th year is going to be all about looking after myself. Because although I don't look a day over 18 (as the lovely lady in M&S pointed out at the weekend), I sure as hell feel like an old granny.

Now after reading this don't get all umpty with me because this is my opinion. I'm not saying it should be the law. It's just what I think...

I'm finding it hard to understand why a woman would choose to have a caesarean section if she had the choice between that and a safe natural birth.

Speaking from (a horrendous) experience it isn't something that I can get my head around.

Shall I tell you about my experience of having a c-section? It isn't pleasant so if you don't want to know then stop reading.

After resting in bed for a few hours after having Lilian I was told that after having the catheter taken out I'd need to take a trip to the loo. I knew the wound would be covered over with a very thick pad but I wasn't expecting to find my pelvis quite so swollen. The term 'kicked in the cunt' sprung to mind. My stomach had shrunk (although it was delightfully saggy) and my pelvis was sticking out beyond belief. Quite a shock.

When I left the hospital a few days later with a slightly thinner dressing on the wound, my pelvis was still swollen. It made me feel sick when I caught a glimpse. It was a struggle to walk and almost impossible to get in to the car, let alone hold my own child. My legs and ankles resembled those of a Buddha. The pain, indescribable. No, not even the strongest painkillers helped.

The days that followed were difficult. I had to put a cushion over the area when I held Lilian and fed her. Rocking her to sleep was out of the question. Climbing the stairs took forever and I couldn't laugh even if I wanted to. Not only was I in a tremendous amount of pain, laughing surely would have caused my stitches to burst. As would coughing.

It got easier though. After about three weeks. And then I got an infection. It wasn't pleasant and I was still in a lot of pain.

Weeks went by and I expected to get some feeling back in my stomach but it was still completely numb.

It's seven months since I had Lil. I still have hardly any feeling in my stomach (my aunt had a caesarean 22 years ago and she still has no feeling in hers - such an odd sensation) my scar is still red and there are days when it hurts. Mainly when I'm sick, tired or stressed. Sometimes when I find myself longing to be pregnant again.

I never breastfed my daughter. I couldn't take any more pain after the c section (hearing that breastfeeding was sometimes painful). I told the health visitor that if I'd have had a natural birth I was positive that I would have breastfed. This upsets me. When I was pregnant I was adamant I wouldn't breastfeed. I wanted my husband to share the feeds with me. After having Lilian I really wanted to, it was just impossible for me to go through any more pain

I have nightmares about the whole labour experience (but mainly about the operation). What some people don't realise is that a caesarean section is major abominable surgery. It's not just a quick operation, in and out in a day. I laid on the operating table wondering if I was going to die (a little dramatic, just don't google it like I did...) or need a blood transfusion or if something would go wrong and I'd have to have a hysterectomy.

I understand that if you choose to have this operation, it's probably under calmer circumstances. But when the doctor is sitting next to you reading out the risks of the operation, telling you that worse case scenario you or the baby could die (and in turn watching your husband breakdown in the corner) makes me shudder. Why would you choose to hear those words?

And why choose to be in that pain afterwards? Yes alright, you might 'rip like a zipper' after doing it the natural way or 'one hole becomes two' (as my best friend put it) but you will heal. I'll always be reminded of my nightmare when I look down. It doesn't look like it's healing to me even though I was assured it is. I'm not saying that having a natural birth is any less painful than a c-section, I'm saying I don't understand why a woman would choose to go down a path that ensures she will be in agony for weeks afterwards.

I'd rather sit on a rubber ring for eight weeks than choose to have that operation and deal with the aftermath.

Every case is different, I know. Natural births carry their risks. They can go wrong, can bring immense pain, your two holes could well become one. I have spoken to many women that have had awful experiences doing it naturally. I just don't know why any woman would choose to go down the caesarean route if they didn't have to. Many women who have had a c-section have had good experiences. But not one woman I have spoken to that has had the operation said they'd choose to have it.

Yes every woman has a right to choose if that's what she wants to. But if I could have had a natural birth I would have embraced it. It's what our body was created for. I can't bring myself to say 'I gave birth' because I didn't. She was cut out of me. I feel cheated, I wanted that experience. To say that the last nine months of hell were worth every second because my body is amazing and I just pushed out a 7.5lb baby (of course they were worth it but, you know...)

It would be great to know how a lot of other women feel about this. No opinion is right or wrong, in my opinion. Everyone has their reasons behind it.