Said Sarahhttp://saidsarah.com
Fri, 08 Jun 2018 17:34:44 +0000en-UShourly1http://wordpress.org/?v=3.5.1From Fear to Freedom Part 7http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-7/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-7/#commentsFri, 08 Jun 2018 17:15:54 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=321This is the final post in my series about my journey with PTSD. My purpose in writing this blog has been to help others who might be going through something similar. I have shared my story over the last six posts, and today I will share about what I feel I have gained from this difficult season.

When you go through a trying time, it is important to try to see what good has come from it. Romans 8:28 says that “All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes.” I’m sure in the future as I look back, I will see much more, but here are some things that I feel I have received from this experience:

Empathy

I have always been an empathetic person, but this season has brought it to a whole new level, especially in regards to those who are suffering with mental health issues, or are going through a hard time. Empathy leads to compassion. The Bible says that Jesus was moved with compassion for others. There is a power and authority that comes on our ministry to others, when we truly understand what they are going through, and are filled with genuine compassion for them. I hope to be like Peter was with the beggar (Acts 3). Peter looked straight at him, commanded him to be well in Jesus’ name, and took his hand and helped him up; he was then immediately healed. To me the “looking straight at him” represents empathy, you actually really “see” the person. He commanded him to be well, which represents prayer and ministry to me. But he also reached down and helped him up, which represents actually “doing” something for the people you want to help. And then he was healed. I hope that I will be able to help others through my empathy, compassion, prayer, ministry, listening, encouraging, and through my writing.

Better overall health

I have always tried to look after my health, but going through this time has helped me to get even more good things in place in my life, healthwise. I am grateful for this, because I think these will be lifelong changes that will not only benefit me, but also my family.

Renewed appreciation for the worldwide church family

During this season I reached out to my friends by occasionally posting on Facebook and asking for prayer. It wasn’t easy to do this; it was very humbling. But I am glad that I did. I have never been more grateful for my Christian family around the world. I felt so supported by prayer. I was greatly encouraged by emails, messages, texts, and just good advice, from so many friends around the world. It was a beautiful thing.

He might not rescue you out of it, but He WILL walk with you through it

If God is good, then why do bad things happen to good people? It’s a question that many people struggle with. It is something that I grappled with in my own experience. I won’t pretend to have all the answers to this question. I do know that we live in an imperfect world; Heaven will be perfect, there will be no pain and no tears. This life on earth, however, is filled with joy, love, and beauty, but also pain, sorrow, and suffering. The profound truth is that we can know and experience God in the good of life, but also (I feel more deeply) in the bad times. The Bible is filled with stories of people; real people, who went through the ups and downs of real life, and God was ever-present for them; loving them, guiding them, comforting them, speaking to them.

We can’t avoid the difficult times in life, but we can experience the love and presence of God in the midst of the pain. And we can know that He is holding our hand and walking us through it into healing and freedom. His heart is for freedom, healing, and redemption. In every difficult thing we go through, He can bring His redemptive touch.

I found this to be true for me. He didn’t save me out of the pain, but He was with me in it, and He walked me through it. I can’t imagine navigating what I just went through, without His constant love, comfort, and words of truth and hope.

Fruitfulness from pain

Trials can produce good character, and amazing fruitfulness can come from a trying time. Here are two Scriptures that have spoken to me about fruitfulness coming from a time of pain:

“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” John 12:24

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2.

I am praying and asking God for much fruitfulness in my life as a result of this trial.

Keeping the place you’ve gained

When Joshua led the Israelites into the Promised Land, they had to possess and keep the land that God have given them. This can be the same for us, spiritually. When we have fought for, and taken possession of something that is rightfully ours, sometimes we have to be vigilant to keep it.

This is what happened to me. During this season I came up against fear in a way I had never experienced it before. Through perseverance I found freedom from that fear. But I had to guard that place of freedom.

Back in December my daughter suddenly had a big lump on her collarbone. We initially thought it might just be a swollen gland, but we took her to the doctor to have it checked. She then had two x-rays, and the doctor scheduled her for an ultrasound. About five weeks ago she had the ultrasound. They saw a “mass” in her bone. The doctor was very concerned by what he saw and then scheduled her for an MRI. At this point fear came pounding on my door – loudly and unceasingly.

She had the MRI which confirmed that there was a mass in her bone. The doctors told us it was most likely a tumor, either benign or malignant. They told us she would have to have a biopsy at a hospital in London.

For four weeks we had to wait to find out if she was OK, or if we were about to walk down the most difficult road we had ever been on. All the while I had to stare fear in the face and say, “You will NOT come back into my life. You will NOT have that ground back.” This was an almost constant battle, and not easy for someone recovering from PTSD. God spoke to me through a dream in the midst of it, and I clung to what He said.

Finally, they had her come in for another MRI, and afterwards we were told that it was not a tumor, but an inflammation that should subside by adulthood. Oh, the relief!

Through those weeks I kept my ground, and fear did not get to come back into my life. That ground, that freedom is mine.

God is more committed to His plans for your life than you are

My husband and I both had a sense of being called by God, that we wanted to live our lives wholly for Him, since we first found Him in our late teens. We met in England in our early twenties and married. We then continued to have this sense of calling as a couple. We pursued this together over the years. But we had several difficult years before we moved back to England, which left us feeling tired, and frankly a bit burnt out. We came to the point where we decided to lay all of our hopes and dreams at His feet. We felt we just needed rest and peace; a quiet life. This was good, and I believe it was what we truly needed.

I have had a fire deep in my heart for God ever since I first found Him. So living a quiet life was lovely and had its benefits, but this fire was still deep inside, stirring. It didn’t go away, and I didn’t know what to do with it, or have any outlet for it.

When I had my traumatic experience, I actually thought that I might die. As I came through, God began to immediately speak to me again about His purposes for my life. All of that sense of calling came back. I knew that His promises over me were still true, and as He brought it all back to me, I knew that He was actually more committed to His purposes for my life than I was. This was so humbling and beautiful to me. I found my sense of calling and my fire again.

I now truly know that “He who began a good work in me will carry it to completion.” Philippians 1:6

This has been the hardest season of my life, by far. I hope that just as Jesus was tested in the desert and came out in the power of the Holy Spirit, that I will come out of this desert experience more filled with his Spirit, and empowered to help others.

Psalm 66 says:

For you, God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
We went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

I believe that this season has been a refining process for me. I believe that I am coming out like gold refined in the fire. I believe that I am coming out into a place of abundance. And I believe all of this for you, too.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-7/feed/0From Fear to Freedom Part 6http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-6/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-6/#commentsFri, 01 Jun 2018 17:14:04 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=308I have been sharing my journey of finding freedom from PTSD; from the initial trauma, and difficult months that followed, to beginning to slowly recover by seeking healing for my body, soul, and spirit. In the last post I wrote about pursuing healing, spiritually. Today I will share about my big breakthrough.

As I sought healing for my body, soul, and spirit, I began to experience slow, but steady improvement. This was encouraging to me, but I was still struggling a lot. My doctor had diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, so for about six months this is what I thought I had. But the more I read about it, the more I began to doubt the accuracy of the diagnosis. As I learned about the various symptoms of GAD, I could tell that my own symptoms didn’t really line up with those that I was reading about. I began to suspect that what I had was actually PTSD. The more I researched, the more I became convinced that this was true.

Although I was feeling a lot better than I had been at my worst, life still wasn’t easy for me.

One weekend we went for a family walk at Scotney Castle (a National Trust Property nearby). I struggled so much that day. I was gripped with anxiety during the drive. When we arrived, I felt dizzy and anxious, and almost decided to leave. I went into the lavatory and cried. I felt so frustrated. I composed myself and we went for our walk. When we came home I was very discouraged. I was grateful for how much I had improved, but desperate to find complete freedom from my symptoms, and to have my life back.

I spent the rest of the weekend reading about PTSD and the possibility of recovery. As I read about how to deal with it, I saw that I had already been doing a lot of what was recommended for recovery. But over and over, I read about a therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation, and Reprocessing) which is specifically helpful for PTSD. I have a friend who had previously recommended that I have EMDR. I spoke with several people that weekend who have had the therapy themselves, and have found it extremely helpful.

I spent a long time searching online for local EMDR therapists. I prayed that God would lead me to the one who would be just the right person for me. It took a while, but I found a therapist named Jules Fothergill (Feel Well Live Well Therapy based in Kent, UK) who I really felt was a good fit for me. I knew from the moment I spoke to her on the phone, that she was the right person, and that she was going to help me.

During my first session, she could see right away that it was indeed PTSD that I had been dealing with. She explained to me what happens with PTSD; how it affects the brain, and what the symptoms are.

PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not something that only affects those who have suffered extreme trauma on the battlefield; it can affect anyone. According to the U.S. PTSD statistics, 70 percent of adults in the U.S. will experience some kind of trauma, and 20 percent of those will go on to develop PTSD.

Most people will experience at least some type of trauma at some point in their lives, but the majority will not go on to develop PTSD. Normally people are able to process the trauma, and get on with life. But for some, the trauma is just “too much” for their brain to handle, and therefore it does not get processed in the correct part of the brain (the hippocampus). Instead, the unprocessed trauma ends up causing the difficult symptoms of PTSD.

This is what happened to me. The trauma that I experienced was simply too much for my mind to process, so it was left, unprocessed, in my brain and caused all of the suffering that I have experienced for many months.

EMDR is a psychotherapy technique which helps to “file away” the trauma in the correct place in the brain, causing the difficult symptoms to subside.

My therapist used a combination of EMDR therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I experienced a significant shift in my symptoms after my very first session. I went to therapy weekly and continued to improve. The EMDR and CBT both helped me a lot.

Here are some of the things that I found particularly helpful:

Knowing What I Had

One of the most difficult elements of this season has been not knowing what was causing the sudden, intense, seemingly never-ending symptoms. Why did I suddenly feel so terrible? So NOT myself? To have a professional explain to me exactly what was going on, brought me so much relief and freedom. It took away the mystery and disarmed the fear. What I was going through was a normal response to experiencing a traumatic event, and it was possible to recover and to feel like myself again. This knowledge lifted a huge burden from me. Now when I felt the symptoms, I would say to myself, “it’s just the unprocessed trauma, and I am on my way to recovery”.

Grounding

A debilitating symptom of PTSD is intense anxiety. I had never experienced anything like this before, so it was really hard to know how to live with it. With PTSD it hits the hardest when you are around people; especially out in public, and around any group of people, small or large. Your mind tells you that there is a threat, and so you feel anxiety. This is all experienced in the subconscious. My therapist taught me a technique to use in this kind of situation, which helps the anxiety to subside. This is called grounding. You focus your attention on one of the five senses. So if I was at church and I felt overwhelming anxiety, I would start to focus on a sense, “touch” for example. I would touch the pew in front of me, and just focus on how it felt. It is smooth, hard, cold, etc. Or “hearing”; what do I hear? I hear people talking, birds singing outside, music playing, a baby crying. What this does is that it brings you from the subconscious (where the anxiety is), into the conscious. It brings you into the present moment, and it causes the anxiety to subside significantly. And it really works. This one technique has been invaluable to me.

Dealing with Emotions

Something that came up through my therapy is that throughout this journey, I haven’t processed my emotions well. Because I am with my kids so much, I didn’t want them to see the full extent of what I was feeling, so I bottled it up – a lot. (I didn’t keep everything from them. I feel that it is important for children to know that life isn’t always easy, and to learn to walk through the difficult times well, but I didn’t want them to see my crying all the time because I thought they wouldn’t understand it, and that it would upset them too much.) I realised that I had quite a lot of bottled up emotion that I needed to somehow let out. There are lots of ways to do this. For me the primary emotions were sadness and anger. To deal with the sadness I just had to let myself cry whenever I needed to. So I explained this to my kids, and instead of stuffing my sadness, I would let it out. I also had anger to deal with. There are lots of ways that you can let anger out. Go out into the middle of nowhere and just shout it out, pile up a bunch of pillows and hit it out, scribble it out with a crayon and paper. It might sound funny, but these things can really help. (You can look up more ways to deal with emotions online.) Doing some of this helped me to process my bottled up emotions, which made me feel a lot better.

Walking Through the Stages of Grief

I hadn’t lost a loved one, but I had “lost” many months of my life. I needed to grieve this, by walking through the stages of grief. One thing my therapist recommended to help me with this process was writing; hence the birth of this blog. I had wanted to write my story anyway, hoping that it could be a help to people, my therapist’s encouragement gave me the push I needed to get on with it. Writing has proved to be therapeutic and helpful, in working through such a trying season.

All of these things helped me significantly, right away. My world was opened up and I was able to go to church again, to pubs and restaurants with my family, to London to visit art galleries and museums. It still wasn’t easy for me to do any of these things, but it wasn’t impossible anymore. I applied what my therapist taught me, and it helped me so much. My own attempts to heal myself did indeed help, but seeing a therapist brought so much breakthrough and acceleration to my healing process. It was like I went from a slow stroll of recovery to a sudden sprint. The combination of everything that I had been doing for my body, soul, and spirit, along with consistent psychotherapy has been exactly what I have needed to get better.

There seems to be a stigma around mental health issues and seeking help from mental health professionals. I don’t understand this at all. If someone breaks their leg, they go and seek medical attention and get it fixed, they don’t just leave it broken and try to continue life in agony. It should be the same with mental health issues. If something is broken, there are trained professionals out there who can help fix it. For the rest of my life I will strongly recommend seeking help, to anyone who is suffering with their mental health. Of course don’t go to just anyone; find the right person for you. If you do this with an open mind, I know it will speed up your recovery by leaps and bounds.

I am meeting with my therapist weekly. I am feeling better and better all the time. She believes that I will recover fully within the next few months.

Next week I will share about what I feel that I have gained from this experience.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-6/feed/0From Fear to Freedom Part 5http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-5/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-5/#commentsFri, 25 May 2018 15:24:24 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=300I am writing a series of blog posts about my journey with PTSD, in the hope that it will be an encouragement to others. I have told my story of the trauma that caused my symptoms, the dreadful months that followed, and how I began to turn a corner by the grace of God, and by focusing on seeking healing for my body, soul, and spirit. In my last post I wrote about how I endeavoured to find healing for my soul. Today I am sharing about how I pursued healing, spiritually. This will be from a Christian perspective.

I turned to God from the moment all of this began. He was my greatest comfort and help, and I don’t know how I would have navigated this trying time without him. I turned to him over and over again throughout each day (and night). As I called out to him, I would feel his presence close to me. I would feel wrapped in his love. He would speak truth to my heart and bring me comfort and peace.

As a Christian I believe that God sent his son, Jesus, to show us what God is like, by loving, healing, and setting people free. Jesus showed the greatest love possible by dying for us on the cross. He rose from the dead, having beaten the power of death, sin, and sickness. He still lives, still loves, still heals, still sets people free. The Bible says that he came that we would have life and life to the full (John 10:10).

Here are several things that helped me get through the hardest time of my life:

Prayer

I believe that prayer is powerful. The Bible says that the fervent prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16). Early on in this difficult season, I asked my family and a few trusted friends to pray for me daily. It brought me so much strength knowing that I could message or text them at any time, especially during some of my worst, scariest moments. They would answer back with encouraging words and scriptures. This support felt like a lifeline to me.

I sought prayer from other people as well. I went to the Healing Centre at a church nearby. I Skyped with a couple in America, who pray for people who have gone through trauma. I had prayer at my church. My mother-in-law (who is a counsellor and prayer minister) prayed with me. I listened to a trauma prayer, daily for several weeks. I also had many friends around the world praying for me.

Worship

Worshipping God, the creator of the universe, the God of infinite love, has a way of lifting you high above your circumstances and giving you a different perspective. I spent a lot of time in worship.

Reading the Bible

The Bible is a gift to us from God. It is inspired by him. It is “living and active” (Hebrews 4:12). It is life-giving. I have a “read the Bible in a year” Bible which has passages to read for every day of the year. I read this every morning. Every day, without fail, I read something that inspired me for the day ahead. The Bible is like food for the spirit.

Healing Verses

Jesus is our healer. He came to earth and healed people. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He still heals people today. There are many verses in the Bible about healing. I printed several verses out and read them over myself every day.

Declarations

I have a book which is filled with promises from the Bible to read over yourself daily. There are different subjects for every day of the month; e.g., Hope, Courage, Healing, Joy, etc. I read each day’s declaration aloud over myself. This gave me encouragement and strength.

Taking Authority Over the Enemy

There is a dark force at work on the earth that tries to bring all that is bleak, hopeless, and destructive to humanity. Satan is the author of all that is evil in the world. The Bible says that he came to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). Jesus defeated him through his death and resurrection on the cross, but the enemy still tries to hurt humanity in whatever way possible.

We have authority as Christians (through prayer) to command him to stay away from our lives. He has to obey because we belong to Jesus.

When I began to go through this terrible trial, because of the extreme level of fear I was experiencing, my husband and I prayed and commanded anything of the enemy that might be bringing fear into my life, to leave. I also made an appointment with a ministry called Restoring the Foundations. A lovely couple prayed with me, and together we “closed all doors” to the enemy’s work in my life. After this, the fear that I had been oppressed by decreased significantly.

What Has God Said About my Future?

God is our father and our friend. We can have a close relationship with him. He loves to hear our prayers, but he also likes to speak to our hearts. The Bible says “my sheep hear my voice” (John 10:27). It takes faith and practice to listen to him. He speaks to us in our present, but also into our futures, showing us the plans and purposes he has for our lives. Sometimes he speaks directly to our hearts. Sometimes when someone is praying for us, they might sense that God is showing them something to say to us to bring encouragement about what we are going through, or about our future. The Bible refers to this as prophecy.

I have several promises from God about my life and my future, printed out. I read these over myself daily. This brought me hope and faith that my circumstances would not last forever because God has good plans for my future.

Encouraging Books and Sermons

I read several inspiring books and listened to many sermons online. These bolstered my faith like nothing else. Kris Vallotton’s book, Spirit Wars was very helpful to me. In it he talks about his journey of finding freedom from a season of intense anxiety. I also enjoyed listening to several speakers including, Max Lucado (great series on anxiety), Graham Cooke, Shawn Bolz, and several others.

What is God Saying to Me About This Situation?

God not only speaks to us about our future, he also speaks right into our present. He spoke several encouraging things directly to my heart, but also through friends who were praying for me. I wrote these things out and spoke them out loud over myself several times a day. This helped so much, especially when I was at my worst.

Other People’s Testimonies

I know I wrote about this in my last post, but I think it’s worth repeating. Reminding yourself that others have been exactly where you are, and have come through to freedom, is so powerful and helpful. I did this every day. “If these people came through, so will I.”

Praying For Others

I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people who are going through a similar trial to my own. I spend time each day praying for others who are suffering like I have. I feel like there is a special power on these prayers because they are driven by so much compassion. I have a strong passion for people to walk out of their suffering and into freedom.

Listening to His Voice Often

I have talked about hearing God’s voice about the future and about any present situation that we find ourselves in. For me the best thing about hearing God is just talking to him like you would a friend, and letting him speak back as a father or a friend would. I did this several times a day. Just to hear him say “I love you”. “I’m with you”. “I’m proud of you”. “I’m healing you.” These words, from the God of unending love, have been the thing that has carried me through the worst season of my life. He truly is the kindest person that I know.

Next week I will share about my big breakthrough.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-5/feed/1From Fear to Freedom: Part 4http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-4/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-4/#commentsFri, 18 May 2018 17:29:45 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=291I am writing my story about my journey with PTSD over several blog posts, in the hope that it will help others who are going through something similar. In the previous posts I have written about the trauma that caused my PTSD, the horrible months following the trauma, and how I began to slowly recover. We are made up of a body, soul, and spirit, which are intricately connected parts of our whole being. Last week I wrote about what I did to seek healing for my body. Today I will share about what I did for my soul. I would define a soul as our mind, will, and emotions.

Thankfulness

Thankfulness seems to me to be the antidote to self pity. When you are going through a difficult season it is easy to fall into feeling sorry for oneself. When you purpose to be thankful, you realise how blessed you actually are, and it lifts you out of the mire of self pity, and into joy and hope. I spent time in thankfulness several times a day. There are always things to be grateful for, even in your darkest hour. It’s important to be thankful for every change in your symptoms, no matter how small. Every day it takes work to rise above your circumstances, so you can sometimes feel like you are not getting better and you never will. It’s important to look back on your whole journey and remind yourself of how far you’ve come. This gives you hope that you will actually get to the finish line of full recovery.

Thinking About Other People’s Stories of Recovery

I spent time each day contemplating the stories of others who have come through a similar trial. This was invaluable to me. Knowing that others really KNEW what I was going through and had come out the other side to complete freedom, gave me hope that I too would come through. I personally know several people who have found freedom from PTSD and other anxiety disorders. You can look up stories of recovery online.

Thinking Positively

When you are walking through a trying time it is very easy to fall into negative thinking and speech, both of which can end up causing you to spiral down into despair. It’s so important to guard your thoughts and your words. When I was tempted to despair, I would purpose to not only change my thoughts, but actually say (out loud) positive and hope-filled words about my situation and my future. This helped to lift the cloud of hopelessness and bring light into the darkness. I made three wooden HOPE signs, which I painted and put up around the house, so that I would see these physical reminders of hope several times a day.

Laughing

It is said that “Laughter is the best medicine”. When you research the benefits of laughter, you begin to believe this. It has been shown to reduce stress, release endorphins, and improve your mood and overall health (and much more besides).

When you are going through a dark time, laughing can feel like a challenge. I chose to watch funny movies and even bought two of my favourite comedy TV series just to spend time laughing as often as I could.

My children are probably my greatest source of laughter; kids can be hilarious.

Focusing on others

Focusing on other people and how we can love and help them, can be a great distraction from our own trials, and is also rewarding. I did this by praying for, and sending encouraging emails to, others that I knew were going through a difficult time similar to my own. I also looked after, and tried to bless my family as well as I could.

Art

Doing something creative can be very therapeutic. I am an artist and derive so much joy from spending time drawing and painting. But for me my art has always been an overflow of a happy heart. So during this season my creative side seemed to dry up. I had no will to create. My husband encouraged me just to spend time doing some kind of art, even if it wasn’t what I was used to. This was great advice. I ended up creating things not for their beauty, but rather as an expression of the deep emotions that I was feeling. I believe this helped me to process some of what I was going through.

Get Out in Nature

Nature is one of the greatest healers. It is also one of my true loves. Having a broken foot and the debilitating symptoms of PTSD made it difficult for me to spend time in nature, but I did what I could. At first my husband took me on country drives, and then as I began to improve, I got out in nature as much as I was able to. We have a beautiful garden, which I tried to spend as much time as possible in, knowing that this was an important part of my recovery.

Talking and Journaling

Talking or journaling about your experience is a vital part of recovery. It helps you to process what you have been through. For me, my husband has been my primary “listener”. I have also talked with my family on Skype, and to a friend who has been through something similar. I spent a lot of time journaling, just “getting it out”. All of this has been helpful.

Do Things You Enjoy

Because trauma affects your brain in such a negative way, you want to fill your days with experiences that are positive, almost as if you are “rewiring” your brain with positive experiences. It’s important to make time to do things that you enjoy. I love reading a good novel, watching movies with my husband, baking, cooking, spending time in nature, visiting historical places and gardens, painting and drawing, etc. You might feel as if you are being selfish, but making time to do things that you love is a crucial part of recovery.

Human Connection

Human connection is an important part of the healing process, but can be difficult with the symptoms of PTSD. I felt so bad that I could barely leave the house, and my symptoms were so draining that I didn’t feel I had it in me to socialise. I am thankful I have a friend who has been through something similar and totally understood what I was experiencing. She came round every-so-often for a cup of tea; these visits were a blessing to me. I also connected with my husband and kids and gave them lots of extra hugs each day.

Treat Yourself Kindly

Love yourself. Give yourself a break. Treat yourself like you would a good friend who is going through a horrible time. Rest more, relax more, leave the housework, take a nap, linger over a cup of tea, read a magazine, be kind to yourself.

Remembering to do these things for my soul each day has been a great help to my recovery process.

Next week I will share about how I endeavoured to heal my spirit.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-4/feed/1From Fear to Freedom: Part 3http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-3/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-3/#commentsFri, 11 May 2018 17:08:23 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=282I am writing a series of blog posts about my journey with PTSD. I hope it will be an encouragement to those who are suffering with something similar.

In my last post I wrote about how difficult life was for me dealing with the symptoms in the months following my traumatic incident.

My doctor had diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (I realised later that it was PTSD), so I spent those months thinking that this is what was making me feel so terrible. I spent hours researching, trying to figure out what might be the source of the intense anxiety and other symptoms that I was experiencing. In my research I found that there are actually many physical causes of anxiety, that are quite easily treatable. Some of these include: a magnesium deficiency, a vitamin deficiency, a hormonal imbalance, adrenal fatigue. I had all of this checked and was fine.

I felt desperate to get better, so I did whatever was in my power to take steps towards recovery. I had experienced too many bad reactions to medication, so I knew that this was not the route to take for my healing. I wanted to take a more natural route.

I believe that we are all made up of a body, soul (mind, will, emotions), and spirit. These parts of our being are intricately connected, and the well-being of one part, will affect the other parts, positively or negatively. I decided to do everything I could to seek healing and health for my body, soul, and spirit. I got into a routine of looking after myself in whatever way possible. Slowly, but surely I began to feel better.

I made gradual improvements. I love the countryside and I love walking. During my worst weeks, I felt so bad that I couldn’t even venture out for a walk, no matter how brief, with my family. Instead, my husband would take me for short drives to see some countryside beauty. But as I began to improve, I started at first to take small walks with my husband, and then longer walks with my family, and after several weeks, I was able to finally head out on my own.

Because of the extremity of how I felt, I had been pretty much confined to my house, but as I improved, I could go out in public more and more. We love visiting National Trust properties. I was able to go for a short visit to one nearby, and then gradually go further afield, and enjoy longer visits.

I had suffered with severe insomnia for a few months and began to sleep a lot better.

I began to have an overall sense of improved well-being.

I attribute all of these improvements firstly to the grace of God, but also to being very intentional about taking care of my entire being (body, soul, and spirit) as well as I could.

Today I would like to tell you what I did for my body.

Sleep

I had insomnia for months because of the PTSD. When you have PTSD your body is essentially always in “fight or flight” mode, meaning you constantly feel on edge, which makes sleeping difficult.

Not getting enough sleep has many bad effects on a person. It can negatively affect your health, worsen feelings of anxiety and depression, and affect your overall mood. I knew that I needed to do whatever I could to start sleeping better.

I sought natural remedies for improved sleep. Some made me feel worse. What ended up working for me was taking magnesium each night before bed. Magnesium has many health benefits including lowering anxiety, bringing calm, and helping with sleep.

I also banned myself from screens for at least a half an hour before bed (screens, especially phones, can disrupt healthy sleep). I slept with the window slightly open, which cools the temperature of your room, making for a better night’s sleep. I made exercising daily a priority, which can help with insomnia.

Exercise

We all know that there are many advantages from exercising regularly. It helps with weight loss, it’s good for muscles and bones, increases energy levels, helps you sleep better, reduces risk of disease, improves skin health, can help your brain health and memory, and so much more.

Exercise can also improve your mood and decrease feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression. It increases endorphins, which help produce positive feelings.

I believe that it is important to find an exercise that you enjoy. For me it has always been walking in nature. I couldn’t exercise easily at first because of my broken foot, but I did what I could. I started by just hobbling back and forth on my crutches, across my house several times a day. Then when I got my cast off, I couldn’t easily exercise because of the anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD. Again, I just walked in the house at first. Then, as I began to improve, I took short walks outside with my husband, and then was gradually able to do this on my own, for longer and longer durations.

Sunshine

Getting a daily dose of sunshine is good for our health for many reasons. It triggers the body’s production of vitamin D, helps ensure good sleep, and positively affects our overall mood.

I tried my best to get outside whenever I could, but in the winter this was often tricky. So during the winter months, whenever the sun shone, I attempted to sit outside, but otherwise, I used a SAD lamp. Sitting in front of a SAD lamp every morning for at least a half an hour can have similar beneficial effects on your body, to being outside in the sunshine.

Healthy Diet

I was already quite conscious about trying to eat healthily, but I decided to take this up to another level. I began juicing organic vegetables and fruit twice a day. This is an efficient way to get the many healthy benefits of a variety of vegetables and fruit into your diet. I cut out (mostly) sugar, caffeine, and limited my alcohol intake. I made meals from organic whole foods. I got a lot of helpful health tips from Dr. Axe’s website and incorporated these into my life.

Fresh Air

Getting out in the fresh air can help with overall health, improve mood, and help with sleep, along with other positive benefits. I tried to get outside every day, for at least a few minutes. I also slept with the window open every night.

I saw a naturopath who recommended several different vitamins and also the use of essential oils.

Vitamins

I began to take vitamin B complex, vitamin D, lots of vitamin C, magnesium, omega-3 fish oil, and a good daily multi-vitamin.

Essential Oils

Essential oils can improve health in many ways. They can also be used to decrease anxiety, and help with sleep. I invested in several Young Living oils and a diffuser.

Stretching

I did a full body stretching routine before bed to help bring peace and calm to my body.

Deep Breathing

People suffering with anxiety often have shallow breathing. Purposing to spend time breathing deeply helps decrease anxiety, bring calm, improve mood, and can also help with sleep.

I did all of these things to try to bring healing to my physical side, knowing that this would also affect the wellness of my whole being.

Next week I will post about what I did to seek healing for my soul.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-3/feed/1From Fear to Freedom: Part 2http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-2/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-2/#commentsFri, 04 May 2018 18:43:30 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=272I am writing a series of blog posts about my experience with PTSD, in the hopes that it will help others who are walking through something similar.

In my last post I wrote about the traumatic experience that caused my PTSD.

This post was very hard for me to write. The weeks and months following the trauma were marked by suffering at a level I had never experienced before. It was like I was walking along on a beautiful, sunny day, happier in life than I ever had been, when suddenly I fell into a deep, black, seemingly bottomless pit.

After the traumatic experience, I entered into what became the worst season of my life by far. Because of the intensity of the trauma, I developed PTSD, but I didn’t know this until much, much later. The first few weeks following the traumatic experience were the most extreme. It was like my whole being was gripped with tormenting fear.

Several times throughout those weeks my heart would suddenly begin to race like it did on the day of the trauma. I could be watching a movie or reading a book, just sitting peacefully, and suddenly it would shoot right up. It was terrifying. Along with the racing heart, I had nausea, chills, and dizziness, but mostly it was severe fear – gripping, awful fear. There was nothing in particular that I was afraid of, it was just the all-consuming feeling of fear, and it would not leave.

I was sleeping on the sofa because I couldn’t easily get up and down the stairs with my broken foot. I was surrounded by so much anxiety that I asked my husband to sleep on the floor by me, which brought me some comfort. I would wake up and have full on panic attacks in the night, and he would help me get through them. I asked a few trusted friends of mine to pray for me. I felt desperate. I am not naturally a fearful or anxious person. I have always been very peaceful and even-tempered. All of these feelings were completely foreign to me.

At one point I went into A&E again with a racing heart, fearing that I might have a blood clot. They did loads of tests and ruled out a clot. A nurse suggested that I talk to my GP about the possibility that anxiety was causing these symptoms.

I talked to my doctor about what was going on and he diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (later I realised that it was not GAD, but rather, PTSD). He told me that it would most likely be a long time before it went away, if ever. He said that my only options were medication or psychotherapy. He prescribed a drug and sent me home. I promptly had a bad reaction to the medication, feeling like I could hardly breathe for hours.

What followed were several weeks in which I was prescribed two more anti-anxiety drugs, and had adverse reactions to both of them. My symptoms persisted; heart racing at random times, sometimes for the entire night. On two separate occasions I became so weak that I could hardly move from my bed at all for over a week each time. These days were scary because I had never felt so weak, or so terrible in my life. I lost my appetite completely. It’s a very strange thing to look at a plate of food that you would normally love and literally not be able to eat it. To make yourself put a bite of food in your mouth, make yourself chew, make yourself swallow, and then give up after a few bites.

The fear persisted. It was torturous. At one point my husband had to go to London for a meeting. He left me with the kids. I got into such a state of panic, that I called him and begged him to come back. He had to leave in the middle of a meeting.

Not only did I struggle with daily debilitating anxiety, I also had physical (somatic) symptoms every single moment of every single day, without any relief or let-up. The symptoms were: head pressure (like someone was squeezing my head), chest tightness and pressure (like someone was sitting on my chest, making breathing difficult), neck tension, fogginess in my thinking, dizziness, or lightheadedness, chills, intense anxiety, and awful insomnia (up literally every hour, sometimes for hours at a time). And at the same time I was dealing with the difficulty of recovering from a broken foot: hobbling around on crutches everywhere, crawling up and down the stairs, giving myself nightly anticoagulant injections, sleeping on my back with my leg elevated every night.

Somehow I had to find a way to get on with life, while in the state that I was in. And so I tried. Each day was a huge struggle.

I home educate my children which has never been a challenge, but only a joy to me. Suddenly this became very trying, but I did my best. I taught them from my reclining position, either from the sofa or my bed. Of course we couldn’t do any of the hands-on projects like science experiments or art, but we still ploughed through the curriculum. I couldn’t go with them to any of the educational outings we normally go on with our Home Ed community, but thankfully, I have a friend who took them to some of those events.

I tried to go to church. I made it twice in those weeks, and found it a struggle to get through each service.

It was so hard to explain all of this to friends and acquaintances. Suddenly, I completely dropped off the face of the earth, but what was I to tell them? I didn’t even know what was really wrong with me, just that I could not function at all in normal life.

Everything felt scary. Every little thing. I am someone who loves nature and who needs to be outside and get fresh air. I remember being desperate to just sit outside for a while, even though it was the middle of November. I wrapped up warmly and sat outdoors with a book, but just doing this made me feel horribly fearful and anxious. My heart started racing like crazy, but I just made myself ignore it and sat out there for as long as I could.

We tried to go for a walk as a family (or rather a ride in the wheelchair for me) at a park that we like to visit. I felt so anxious the whole time that it made me nauseous.

At the end of November it was Thanksgiving. My husband made the whole of Thanksgiving Dinner himself. We Skyped with my family in America, and there were several times throughout that Skype that I thought I might faint because of how anxious I felt, all the while trying to be friendly and enjoy talking to my loved ones. I joined my husband and kids for Thanksgiving Dinner. I tried to be cheerful, but inside it was turmoil. I was gripping, white-knuckled, the edge of the table, trying to get through what should have been a happy family occasion. I forced myself to eat at least a few bites.

I got my cast off and was finally able to get around without crutches or a wheelchair. This brought some relief to the intense strain of every day.

We were now into December. I was dreading going to my husband’s birthday dinner at one of our favourite pubs, but somehow made it through. I attempted to go to church again, and was talking to someone on the way in, when I was hit with horrible dizziness and had to leave. The symptoms increased from this point on.

The kids had been looking forward to a Christmas pizza party with their Home Ed friends. They really wanted me to go and so I made myself. It was hellish. A busy pizza restaurant. I feigned happiness about getting my cast off and about seeing everyone, but inside I was a total wreck. Again, I clung to the edge of the table and just made myself get through it.

Christmas came. It was a beautiful, happy time for the kids, but extremely trying for me.

I had been blessed that my husband was able to work from home for those first few months, but after Christmas, he had to return to work. I had to face doing each day on my own. It was tremendously difficult.. Although it was hard, I think it was good to have the routine of homeschooling the kids each day, because it helped me to pass the hours, which were exhausting. Each day when I woke up I would cry because I had to get through another day. And I looked forward to bed each night, because at least I could escape from it all for a few hours, with what little sleep I got. I had horrible insomnia, so it wasn’t much of an escape.

From the moment I woke up each morning I would be gripped with intense anxiety. If you can think of the most nervous you have ever been, say before public speaking or something like that? That is how I felt, every second of every day. Getting the Sainsbury’s food delivery was terrifying. I would sit for the hour before it came with utter dread about answering the door. Walking out to the garage was scary. Attempting to do art in my studio was scary. I was confined to my house, because I could not cope anywhere else and could barely cope in my home, as it was. I felt like I was being sucked into a whirlpool; sucked under water; that I couldn’t escape. I am someone who likes to deal with problems as soon as possible. If there is something wrong, or something I need to deal with in my life, I try to identify it quickly and find the solution. With this issue, there was simply nothing I could do to make it go away. There was no “mind over matter” with this. I just had to keep walking through it.

My son and I both had our birthdays in January. He was turning ten and he was very excited. I wanted so badly to be able to come to his party with all of his friends at a rock-climbing centre, but I couldn’t. I had my fortieth birthday at the end of January. Months earlier we had planned a trip to Vienna to celebrate. Our opera tickets were booked, and we had been looking forward to the trip for a long time. We had to cancel. We went to the beach on my birthday instead. I felt so panicky in the car that I almost asked my husband to turn around, but pressed through it. It was lovely to see the sea, but exhausting with my symptoms. I came home after that trip and just lay in bed for hours, my nerves were so frazzled, simply from a little day trip to the seaside.

Throughout this whole time I would pray every few minutes and just imagine God there with me. I would listen to the words that He would gently whisper to my heart. I don’t know how I would have managed without His constant love and presence with me. There were two Bible verses in particular that meant the world to me:

I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘do not fear, I will help you.’ Isaiah 41:13

And,

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Psalm 23:4

I had the comfort of my family and the comfort of my God, who I clung to with all that was within me during this time.

I have shared just a glimpse into what life was like for me during the worst stretch of my experience with PTSD.

In the next few blog posts I will tell you how I began to (slowly) turn a corner. I will tell you how I sought healing for my body, soul, and spirit. I will tell you about my big breakthrough, and finally about what I have gained from this experience.

In the next post I will focus on how I sought healing for my body.

]]>http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-2/feed/2From Fear to Freedom: Part 1http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-1/
http://saidsarah.com/from-fear-to-freedom-part-1/#commentsSun, 29 Apr 2018 13:21:57 +0000Sarah Larcombehttp://saidsarah.com/?p=260I have been walking through the most difficult season of my life; shockingly difficult. I want to tell you my story of recovering from PTSD, with the hope that it will help you, if you are going through something similar. I am aware that others have gone through, or are going through, their own suffering, some of which mine would pale in comparison to. But I am not going to minimise what I have gone through. It has been truly awful, and for others who are walking through the same thing, I want you to know that your suffering matters. I ought to tell you that I am not completely well yet, but I am significantly better, and I truly believe that I will have fully recovered very soon.

Why not wait to write this until I am completely better? I wanted to write it when I was still close to the pain of it all. Of course I will never forget what I have experienced, but as I walk further and further away from the most difficult times, I become less able to communicate the pain effectively. I want others to know how it has felt. I want those who are walking through something similar to know that I GET it. I want those who know nothing about this subject to have their eyes opened, even a little, so that compassion will fill their hearts for people who are going through something similar.

I will be writing from a Christian perspective. I plan on writing my story in several different blog posts. I will start by summarising what has happened, and then over the next few posts, I will share with you how I have walked through this difficult time, focusing on three aspects: body, soul, and spirit. I will tell you how my breakthrough came, and I will tell you how I have grown from this trial.

Something that helped me a lot on my own journey was the knowledge that others have gone through what I have experienced, and come out the other side. I read a book by such a person. The whole book was encouraging, but there was one part in particular, that I read over and over to myself. Paraphrasing, the author says that you WILL get through this; that he knows hundreds of people who have come through to the other side and are now totally well. You feel like this will never end, but it will. I cannot tell you how much that has helped me. I hope I can offer the same kind of encouragement to those who are suffering like I did. Although I am not completely well, I am a LOT better, and am continuing to rapidly recover. So, from that place I want to tell you the same thing: You WILL get better. Things WILL get easier. You WILL come through this.

And now let me tell you my story.

I moved to England in 1999. I was taking a year out, doing some voluntary work for a church in Southampton. This is where I met my husband, who was attending university and going to the same church. We married and lived together in England, and then moved back home to the USA in 2002. We lived there for twelve years. I loved being back in America for those years, but my heart remained in England. In 2014, we decided it was time to return to England. It was a bit of a rocky move. We were unsure of where we would settle, but in the end we chose Kent, to be close to my husband’s family. And that is when I fell in love. I fell in love with this delightful little corner of England; its history, its architecture, its culture, its beautiful countryside: “The Garden of England”. I felt like I was made for the country life. I began to come alive and enjoy life in a way that I never had before. I found my artistic side, which had been dormant since childhood. I began to draw and paint. I donned my wellies and took endless country walks. I relished life. We bought a beautiful little cottage in the country, including a studio for me; with countryside walks all around. My cup overflowed. There were so many times when I thought, “How can I be this happy?” And then everything changed.

One Saturday afternoon in late September, we thought it would be fun to make homemade pizzas together as a family for dinner. We had all the toppings out and were enjoying making our creations. I thought it would be nice for us to sit outside to eat, wanting to catch the last of the warm evenings before the cold and dark of autumn came. I was in a hurry because the pizzas were done. I charged outside to wipe the table off and, BAM, suddenly I was flat out on the ground with searing pain in my foot. (I had been wearing shoes with a slight heel. I stepped off of the stair from our kitchen doorway to the outside and preceded to twist my foot on the edge of the step, and flew forward and flat onto the concrete patio.) The pain was so bad that I started to black out. I crawled back inside, and my husband and kids knew that something was seriously wrong. After eight hours at A&E (ER), I came home with a cast, crutches, and the knowledge that I had broken the navicular bone in my left foot, and would need an operation as soon as possible. Two weeks later, I went in for my operation. Right before wheeling me into surgery, they informed me of all of the possible things that could go wrong. They emphasised the point that I would be at a high risk after surgery of developing a blood clot, which could be fatal. Armed with all of this wonderful knowledge, into surgery I went.

After staying overnight in hospital, I was discharged, with my medication, daily anticoagulant injections for the next six weeks, and a reminder to watch for signs of a blood clot, and to come in immediately if I suspected a clot for any reason.

There was another reason why the risk of a blood clot was particularly terrifying for me. A few years ago, one of my friends in America, a mother in her thirties, collapsed a few days after surgery, with a blood clot that had blocked one of her arteries, and within minutes she was dead. A tragic and shocking event, especially to those closest to her. So this story was running through my mind as the doctors repeatedly told me to watch out for signs of a blood clot.

I was happily at home, all snug on the sofa. Suddenly I started to feel very strange. A sick feeling came over me and my heart started to race like I had never felt it race before. I knew that something was very wrong. I started to feel extremely dizzy and like I was going to pass out. I called my husband into the room and told him. He checked my pulse and knew that it was dangerously high. We checked the paperwork the hospital had given us for symptoms of a blood clot, and I had several of them. We called 999. They told us they were so busy that day, that it would actually be faster for us to drive to the hospital. We called my mother-in-law to come and stay with the kids. Going against my protective maternal instinct (because of the intensity of the situation), we left our eldest daughter, who was then twelve, to look after her brother until their grandmother arrived. The rest is a blur of acute fear. I remember being hunched over in the car, trying not to pass out, my heart racing, my head spinning, feeling nauseous, and terrified. I literally thought that I might die in the car on the way to the hospital. I remember seeing the faces of my beautiful kids in my mind, and foreseeing the pain that they would have to experience without me, and just begging God, “Please, please have mercy. Have mercy on them. Have mercy on my family. Don’t let this happen.”

We arrived at the hospital. After checking my pulse, they got me straight in to be seen.The nurse saw how high my heart rate was and ran to find the doctor. My symptoms remained the same. It was all very intense and very scary. Initially, they thought that it might be a clot, then after a while they said they weren’t sure. After several hours, with doctors and nurses in and out of the room, my symptoms finally began to lessen. The doctors came to the conclusion that I had had a severe reaction to my pain medication. I was in the clear. I could go home.

I should have come home to weeks of peaceful recovery from a broken foot; getting better and better each day. But instead, I came home to the beginning of the worst season of my life.

In the next blog post I will tell you what life was like for me in the months that followed the trauma.