– From the moment I was born I screamed to the point where my mother would overhear the nurses and other staff asking “when is she going to take that screaming child home,” a midwife told her this was because I was born face-down and had a headache.

– My mother says that my father left when I was three but I have vivid memories up until I was 5, one of which was catching them in the act.

– My mother worked in bars for the majority of her younger life which is how she met my ‘stepfather’ though I refuse to call him as such so for the sake of writing this I’ll name him ‘Mr.E’ (no link to his name it’s just pronounced ‘mystery’). And even though she should’ve known Mr.E was an alcoholic by how she met him, she immediately moved her and 3 of her children in with him.

– Around the age of 6-8 Mr.E attempted to sexually assault me and had been sexually assaulting my younger sister from the age of 4-6, I’m not sure if/when this stopped.

– Mr.E mentally and emotionally abused me since I was moved in at six years old up until I moved out ten years later.

– Mr.E used to abuse my older brother up until the point that he moved out, my brother has since acted like he was never abused and has no idea what my sister or I am talking about, presumably to not have to face his demons.

– Mr.E had gotten my mother so sick of the abuse he gave her about being on my side that she eventually started siding with him so that her and my younger sister would be left alone.

– My mother also started to physically abuse me after she took Mr.E’s side up until I moved out.

– I had multiple night terrors of Mr.E having killed my mother and one girl close call in which the police had to come to the house and pick me up because he’d gotten drunk and floored my mother. They just told me to come with them, and until I got in the car and saw her, I thought he had killed her. He was arrested for one day, and she later forgave him because he ‘baked’ her a cake.

– I’d been bullied in every school throughout my life in every possible way, never had friends and even in high school that number never passed 5 or so.

– At age 15 I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, I have since been diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and Agoraphobia

– Excluding 1, all other partners I’ve had have been mental, physically and emotionally abusive, one partner (from here on he shall be named ‘John Doe’) got to the point that he attempted to murder me for which he got six months, which was halved to 3 months.

– After John Doe got let out I was told by the police a restraining order would be put in place to keep him away from me, this was completely ignored and as fate would decide after I moved to the other side of the island to get away from him, his best friend was my next door neighbor and he let John Doe stay with him until my anxiety and fear got me to move out.

– John Doe came into my life one more time before getting arrested for drug charges. I had just been robbed of everything in my flat from money, my phone down to the food in my freezer, it turns out the people who robbed me tried to sell my phone to him at which point he messaged me on Facebook because he already knew it was my phone, I also learned that he and his friend and family had been stalking me.

– Since what happened with John Doe I’ve been raped and sexually assaulted (The number of which I cannot remember thanks to my brain, which will be brought up in a later point) to the point that I’m now terrified of men and any sort of contact or being around them when alone.

– My grandad died last year which I’m realizing is still greatly affecting me, and I still need to get past the grief and mourning, his birthday is in 2 and a half weeks, and I’m dreading it.

– My mother has finalized her divorce with my father, likely so that she can marry Mr.E, who she and my younger sister still live with and has decided that ever since I moved out in 2014 that nothing that happened to me in that house matters anymore and that I shouldn’t still be so angry about it all and need to ‘get over it’.

– I’ve been seeing Dr’s, etc. at our local mental health service for the last 2 or so years.

– In February of this year, I had a single ‘unprovoked’ tonic-clonic convulsion which leads to me having an MRI which showed evidence of left parietal encephalomalacia compatible with a perinatal insult and an EEG which resulted as showing evidence of a mild generalized encephalopathy suggestive of a left hemisphere structural lesion. I have a six-month follow-up with the Neurologist sometime around February 2019.

I’ve realized since then that my memory has been getting worse and worse to the point that I feel I forget my life, i.e. friends have told me 10’s/100’s of stories of things we’ve done in the past, of which I have no recollection at all (I rarely drink and other than smoking marijuana I don’t take any drugs).

Sorry about writing so much but I felt I needed to put in as much information as possible so that any possible responses could fully understand the situation.

All of that has lead to a few weeks ago when a friend and I went to her friends home for marijuana-related reasons, and the conversation turned to John Doe’s release from prison, which is apparently going to be just before Christmas of this year.

The friend that got locked up with him has already been released, and while some people have tried to reassure me by saying they’ve heard through the grape-vine that while he is after exes, none of them are me. Multiple other people who actually knew and were constantly around John Doe while I was with him have attested to the fact that he hates people getting away from him, and have said that when they heard about him trying to kill me they instantly knew it was because I left him and tried to get away and he didn’t like not having the control over me and my fear anymore.

I had even said to my friend, that is the friend of the dealer we went to when this conversation popped up, months before that I was trying to sort out my mental health so that I could find work in England and move over there to be with my emotionally closer family before John Doe gets out to avoid the possibility of him finding me and trying to kill me again.

But with such a shorter time before he’s released I now can’t see any chance of me getting all of that done before he gets out, and unless I stay inside for the rest of my life with the curtains closed and no possibility of him finding me (which is still a life I wouldn’t want to live) it feels like suicide is my only option and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but if anyone out there has any advice at all, I’d greatly appreciate it as this honestly is my last resort.

Whatever, course of action you take your objective ~MUST be to – Get as far away as possible from where you live / including any of your usual “haunts “.

That said it is the responsibility of social services to take care of anyone in dire need, which, quite evidently, they are failing to do in your case. It is, also, the absolute duty, and well within their jurisdiction for the Police to protect any and ~Every, member of society whose life is in imminent danger of being taken.

IF you have reported the matter to Social Services and the Police and they have ignored your repeated pleas for assistance. Meaning they have denied you protection from your would be killer. Then the Police as well as Social Services will be capable of Manslaughter, upon your death, by way of their arrant negligence.

Murder (The willful taking of another’s life ) is one of the highest priority crime’s on this planet and, yet, here are you, weak, afraid and extremely vulnerable and without any support, whatsoever, from the “powers that be.”

It is not within my purview to pass laws, were it so, I would have you sent, immediately, to another part of the world, with a completely new identity to start your life over free of danger.

Funnily enough they do this for murderers, time and time again. ie Robert Thompson and Jon Venebles , two boys who repeatedly beat and tortured an innocent little three year old child to death, are being ~ Protected, looked after by the system for their crime. These two young assasins now fully grown men, have been released and given new identies so they can start life afresh.

So, ~What the hell does this say for Jamie Bulger’s Life, or Yours, or any innocent, betrayed by the System ? !

But then, I digress ….

BETTER WAYS TO DIE

IF you cannot escape due to financial restraint..

The only “next best thing” ( other than Social Assistance ) I can come up with is that you, maybe, join the Foreign Legion ? Far from ideal, I know, however, at the very least, it does get you out of the country, free of charge, and your identity could remain anonymous.

Also, if you~ Must, die… Better to do so fighting freely for some cause, rather than via the cold and brutal hands of a violent killer, Wouldn’t you say ?

Another – perhaps,more preferable way to die …

Take a large dose of drink and drugs and spend the night on an empty beach …without blankets..

With the sea breeze in your hair and the sand beneath your toes, you will ,certainly,die, however, you will die ~FREE , and with dignity… Infinitely preferable to being mauled to death via some stinky mouthed maniac getting high on your pain….

POSSIBLE WAYS TO LIVE …

Visit the BBC studios and ask them if they’d like to make a documentary / film of your life, if they will, in return, take care of your safety.

Anything is worth a try….

Who knows, you might well end up a multi-millionairess! Or at the very least, sweeping the studio floors …

Whatever the case give it a go, you got nothing to lose.

HOW ABOUT SOME SIMPLE FUN !

Stowaway on a ship to an exciting country and enjoy yourself ! For that matter,do any other crazy,fun thing you can think of. Something adventurous, that, perhaps, you have,always wanted to do, yet, simply, never have ….. Well. what better time to do so than now ?

It has been stated that we should live each day of our life, as though we had not much longer to live on this Earth.

So then, whatever the future holds ~ Why not enjoy the time you have left?

SPIRITUALTY

Alternatively, …join a Religious / Spiritual Community..ie, Visit, a Krishna temple, say you wish to be a devotee of their Lord ….You never know, within such a structure, you may well be protected by some “Higher Presence ” You will, also, be surrounded by kind, caring folk …

There are numerous Religions and Spiritual communities that should be only too happy to take you under their ~ Wing, provided you are willing to observe their doctrines …

Visit, Churches, Monastery’s, Nunneries Temples, any such organization you can come up with…. There is also the Salvation Army which, I believe, might be useful for people in your situation..

If needs be, but only as a final last ditch contribution of your effort in this regard, you can give the spiritual organisers a copy of your life story as written on this forum, and ask them would they ~ Please, help you to ” “Spread your wings” to be free of the world and its cruelty… Offer to work for them,free of charge, if they will but feed and accommodate you. No harm in trying …