Caregivers choosing acceptance, not resentment, build happiness

Tom responded to the last posting on compassion by saying, "... as caregivers, we cannot give compassion for our loved one if we do not have it for ourselves first ... most of us do not know how to have compassion for ourselves. It is not something often taught in our culture.

"It may sound like we are feeling sorry for ourselves, or think that putting our own needs before our loved one is selfish. But, I think feeling sorry for ourselves is a different thing. It leads to feeling like we are victims and it leads to self-centeredness. It makes our world smaller. Whereas, when we truly have compassion for ourselves, it expands us and makes us more loving towards others, including our loved one."

This is beautifully articulated Tom, thank you.

Over the years, I've been with many caregivers and persons living with dementia and have felt their suffering. Adversity is part of each of our lives, yet what is vastly different is how people respond and how they choose to give meaning to a situation. This difference determines the quality of one's life.

Today, science is validating this. Neuroscience is discovering that the way in which we respond to or how we give meaning to a situation imprints a pathway in our brain.

When we respond to a situation or event as bad, unfair or hopeless, or if we tend to ruminate or react with irritability, chemical and electrical signals are sent to our brain and our mind becomes wired for this pattern of thinking.

Here's where it gets fascinating. We're learning that we can actually change our brain and rewire our neuropathways.

I recently attended a lecture by two of the world's leading experts in this area, Dr. Richard Davidson and Matthieu Ricard. Dr. Davidson is a professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and is perhaps the foremost researcher in the world investigating the connection between meditation, mindfulness, and brain function.

Matthieu Ricard is a French biochemist turned Buddhist monk, sometimes referred to as the happiest man in the world. The two discussed their ground breaking work on how reconditioning the mind actually changes its structure and functioning.

One of Dr. Davidson's most valuable findings is that it's possible to condition our mind to experience more compassion, happiness and joy.

I'm sure most of us would agree that our well-being and happiness would be positively impacted if we could be more self-compassionate, accept things as they are and let go of all that brings us down.

But for many caregivers and persons living with dementia, it can feel like your situation makes this impossible to do, that you have no control and no choice in your personal well-being and happiness.

I agree that life brings with it devastating situations, and it's completely natural to have negative feelings and emotions and to perceive events as unjust or impossible.

What's critical is to recognize that self-compassion and greater happiness can occur alongside adversity and negative feelings.

So, as caregivers, is it possible to be happier even if nothing changes in your life? I believe it is, and it starts with a willingness to be with yourself as a loving companion to your own pain.

It starts with checking in with yourself each day by turning your attention inward and noticing the sensations and tension in your body, observing your thoughts, feelings and listening to your heart.

In order to change negative feelings, we first have to notice them. Jon Kabat-Zinn says that to be in relationship with what you're going through, to hold it, and, in some sense, to befriend it is where the healing lies.

Then, we are free to choose to take action in a different way then we have in the past. This is where we can recondition the mind for compassion and happiness.

As caregivers, we can choose acceptance, keeping in mind that accepting things as they are is not the same as liking or agreeing with them. We can choose forgiveness. Perhaps this means we let go of past regrets or the burden of trying to change a relative who is unsupportive.

You can't hold on to to a grievance and be happy. Resentment keeps us stuck in the past and is a decision to keep suffering. Maybe you choose gratitude. The miracle of gratitude is that it shifts our perception of our life. When we choose gratitude, we move out of the negative patterns of the mind and can be open to the gifts that already exist within us and around us.

Happiness is the organic state of our soul. Yet, by default, we all fall into negative patterns of thinking and happiness gets buried. But the research is compelling — with practice, we can pattern our brain for more happiness. If a mindfulness practice is something you'd like to explore more, I've listed a few of my favorite books below:

to agematters: Alzheimer desease is our life style system. Because we do all the things fast and faster. And the human, who need time, is not able to do this like we do. So we are doing and the human is not doing. In his brain the cells are working a little bit.
Or nothing. So the cells have not the biochemicals and go down. When the human with Alzheimer desaease do anything like he will and is doing, the cells become more biochemicals and connecting other cells. And so the human can do, but not like we are doing. He does like he can. We must have change our social life style. I wrote a book,Rediscover Recovery.

Susanngab

December 10, 2012 6:03 p.m.

Alzheimer's disease is a group disorders involving the parts of the brain that control thought, memory, and language. Alzheimer's disease is becoming tragically common.
Alzheimer Clinic

agematters

December 5, 2012 11:30 a.m.

A year ago my mom went to africa on a safari and now she is in an assisted living facility. I knew she was having memory issue but it seems like this AD is accelerating faster and faster. I'm her only child and my father passed away when i was a kid. I'm her only real support and care giver. I moved her near me and see her everyday. I watched my grandmother go down this AD battle and she suffered for years. I would visit her and all she would say was &quot; I want to die&quot; over and over, its haunted me for years. I have one good memory from visiting her at that time and that was; i looked at her and she had the deepest blue grey eyes and i kept saying I love you grandma, i love you and one time she stopped saying she wanted to die and she said I love you too. A few weeks later she passed. Now I'm watching my mom trying to fight a battle that can never be won. She did a great job raising me after my dad died and we were very close, and now I'm actually witnessing her drift farther and farther away and there is nothing I can do. I get so frustrated with everything from answering the same questions over and over my mom asks to the being hit up for money to donate to alz.org every other day via email. I walk on every AD walk they have and support the charity monetarily as well. Part of me thinks this will make a difference in my moms care but I know it won't. There is nothing i wont do for my mom and I try to stay positive when I'm with her. This whole thing sucks especially

Travis

November 27, 2012 9:49 a.m.

I have a new dx of alzheimers at 53. I feel good, forget a bit here and there, but cant work as a nurse anymore. Whats a girl to do!!?

VAL

November 14, 2012 12:52 p.m.

My husband was diagnosed at 53. After years of heartache and suffering the day to day, and sometimes hour to hour loss of my husband and best friend, I am completely drained and devoid of any physical or emotional strength. We have no children or family. Even though I am a spiritual person, I have at times considered ending my life. I find it difficult to believe that I am alone with this thought given the intense pain and loneliness that living with this disease produces. I have never posted on the internet before, but I needed so very much to release these thoughts. May God bless and give strength to all of you.

Deb

November 11, 2012 2:33 a.m.

Well written Angela. Thank you.

kate

November 10, 2012 4:15 a.m.

Could not agree more! It works! Count our blessings.

Pat

November 9, 2012 10:22 a.m.

Thank you Valerie for posting the adapted Serenity Prayer. It just fits doesn't it? My momma has AD and is now in the severe stages. She almost never recognizes me. Unfortunately she fell recently while she was living with me and broke her hip and was not able to recover her ability to walk. She is 80 and was physically able but not mentally able to understand she needed to walk again. I work full time and she was in adult daycare before her fall, now she is in a skilled nursing facility. This is the first time in my life I have ever blogged anything and I could go on &amp; on about the journey my momma and I have been on with AD but I wanted to speak just about acceptance. She is at a place now with AD that there is no past and no future. In fact, all we have is the moment. I have had to stop trying to make her &quot;better&quot; thru activities, medicine, healthy routines, doctors, etc.I have had to accept that she will not get well. Accepting this has allowed me the freedom to be in the moment with her and to cherish them when they come. I see her every day and just wanted to share one of my most heartbreaking and precious moments. I went after work to see her as I always do and when I went into her room she was laying in the bed and she streched out her arms as I got closer and she said,&quot;I love you beyond measure.&quot; At that moment she knew herself, she knew me and she knew us. We hugged we kissed and then she was gone again. I may have missed this as a moment

rebecca

November 7, 2012 5:12 a.m.

to Kathy: your mom must have not the remember for the old time. Your mom cannot let the old time before she see any thing in the yet time.
This is only a thing she likes it. Please find out this thing in the daily life. So your mom can see the reality life. The thing your mom have to held this in her hands. And then you speak only ofer this thing. So her brain will connect the other brain cells. And the biochemicals will work better. Please find out anything she likes and do the same every day. I wrote a book Rediscocer recovery. I am a caregiver for a long time.

Susanngab

November 6, 2012 6:27 p.m.

If I try to live in the moment, it sometimes helps. My husband was diagnosed over 5 years ago with FTD and losing him a piece at a time is difficult. Trying not to think about what &quot;could have been and what we could be doing together is harder.&quot; So having compassion for myself when I get inpatient and tired is difficult. If I celebrate the good times/moments, it helps.

Kathy

November 5, 2012 8:42 a.m.

It has been 12 years since my husband was diagnoised with AD at age 58. I believe acceptance is a process that takes time, I'm sure in the beginning of this journey that I was not very accepting but always looking for a way to either stop this horrible disease or to change my husbands actions. After many years and much prayer I have accepted that today is as good as it gets. It is heartbreaking and I can't say I have joy in my heart but I am grateful for all of the good years and for all the memories I have. I just wish he could share those memories with me. Pray for strength and know God does hear our prayers. God bless you all!

barbara

November 5, 2012 3:42 a.m.

One year ago my mom was living alone about 40 minutes away from myself and my sisters. Today she is dependent on me mostly for so very many things. Her medical care and health do feel like a huge burden at times- we were not close in our relationship,which i think makes her mental decline even harder to take. Without a spiritual life I would have run away a long time ago...this has been one of the longest years of my life. Many thanks for this site and all who share.

Amy

November 4, 2012 3:09 a.m.

This is underlining what I have discovered. People around me think I am so brave coping with my husband's Alzheimer's but I am not brave at all. I hope that NIck will feel love surrounding him and find some comfort.

barbara

November 2, 2012 5:53 p.m.

As a carepartner, I understand. At one of the support meetings someone brought in the following adaptation to the Serenity Prayer. It helps me and maybe it will help someone else.
&quot;Grant me the serenity
to accept the people
I cannot change.
The courage to change
the one I can,
And the wisdom
to know
it's me.

Valerie

November 2, 2012 5:14 p.m.

AS a caregiver, I am hurting so bad. It is so very hard on me. Please lord , please lord

nick

November 2, 2012 3:21 p.m.

As a Coach/Counselor for Family Caregivers ( Parkinson's, Stroke Survivors, PTSD spouses/partners,Autism and other chronic illnesses)I have been bringing the word &quot;acceptance&quot; into our Support Groups which allows the caregiver to once again show warmth and affection for the care recipient with the realization that the caregiver is not responsible for a miracle
medical solution. It's OK to enjoy their own life without guilt. And as I tell them so often &quot;Place your 2 feet down on this earth, claim your space and rediscover yourself!
Thank you for including the caregivers in your articles.

Dorcas

November 2, 2012 10:46 a.m.

A very good article.
Believe in God and yourself.
Positive thinking goes a long long way!

Charles

November 2, 2012 10:30 a.m.

Each day is a new day with my mom - it does get very tiring anwering the same question over and over - this will not change - each day her memory goes a bit more - I know she will not change I need to and I have I sing to myself - out loud when I want to scream and say to my self God grant me...... - singing has helped me and sometimes it makes my mom laugh when I do it! Thanks to the Mayo Clinic for these emails and notes - it does help

Kathy

November 2, 2012 4:33 a.m.

I have been encouraged from the articles I read on this web site. Thank you. I am in my 4th year of caring for my husband who has AD. I am still grieving the gradual loss of my husband as the person I married. Making the adjustment from the wife role to one of a caregiver has been a heartbreaking process. I try to practice the attitude of gratitude daily but I sometimes wonder if the heartache and tears will ever stop. Learning to let go of things I once thought were important has helped me cope. This disease not only robs you of your loved one, but can slowly steel YOUR joy if you allow it too. My faith , family, and friends are an amazing support to me! You all hang in there! My prayers are with you.

Kristine

November 2, 2012 3:17 a.m.

I agree with Joy. I adapt everyday,depending on themood ofmy husband. At times,he appears to be his usual self.My son told me that I had made the irregular situation regular because the adapting happens daily. I agree that one's reaction to a situation can make the outcome different. But sometimes, it can be exhausting making different adjustments almost daily.

Paola

November 1, 2012 9:42 p.m.

When I first BEGIN to feel powerless, I call on God to guide me...all day long. I am not alone. Some days are diamonds...some days are stones....I cherish the diamond days. Always try &amp; find a reason to laugh...it really does help!!!

barbara

November 1, 2012 5:56 p.m.

Reconditioning the mind is nothing new. Alcoholics Anonymous has been teaching how to do it for decades. Even more applicable for caregivers is the program of Al-Anon. Members learn how to find peace and happiness for themselves despite the things over which they have no control. All are welcome. When others talk about being powerless over alcohol, a caregiver can say or think &quot;I am powerless over the disease of Alzheimers.&quot;

Peggy

November 1, 2012 5:11 p.m.

I dont try to change my wives dementia. All I can do is accept it. It gets very very hard on me. I am at wits end sometimes

nick

November 1, 2012 12:55 p.m.

I took care of a mother with dementia and am in my 7th year of caring for my husband who has dementia. For me, caring for a spouse is infinitely more heart wrenching than caring for a parent.

Marcia

November 1, 2012 12:46 p.m.

We are long distance care observers, as we can only see my father-in-law several times a year. I assist my parents ,who are ailing but without dementia.
Mindfulness takes a lifetime to learn and to practice. It is a path that has no end. It is to be used in conjunction with whatever else a person can find to make life easier as a care provider. It is however the practice I return to again and again. Acceptance. Sometimes I must return to it as soon as I have turned around. It is my way to a more peaceful existence and as a result to those around me.
The blogs and articles are very helpful. Thank you

Aida

November 1, 2012 12:10 p.m.

I found this article is very clinical and condescending...especially using phrases like, &quot;...felt their suffering.&quot; All of what you said and stated are far far easier said than done. Alzheimer is the gift that keeps taking not giving and is very very difficult on the caregiver especially after years and years of caregiving. I make attitude adjustments all day long in taking care of my husband (age 68) because he changes and his behavior changes daily and frequently. The caregiver becomes hollow and empty no matter how frequently one adjusts his/her attitude. Relaxation helps but we're humans not robots.

Joy

November 1, 2012 11:35 a.m.

A change in attitude on my part toward my mother has made a huge difference in me. I realized that the only thing that can change in the equation of the relationship between us is me, and accepting what's going on with her rather than trying to change her has made it much easier for me to be with her and do things for her. It must be working, because people around me are commenting on how much more relaxed I am about the whole situation and how much the stress has been reduced.

Lynn

October 31, 2012 10:00 p.m.

Thanks so much for all of your recognition of our feelings, dedication of our time here on earth, and how difficult it is for us to focus on our own health and well being as caregivers. Lots of individuals just walk out of the situation, marriage, etc. We must be kinda special and stronger than we ever realize. HA! HA! HA!
You took us all to the meeting with you...now we can read and learn more. So glad you mentioned Dr. Amit Sood's book...I am looking forward and studying it now in preparation of taking his course at Mayo Rochester. We need you and Dr. Sood to give courses at all of the locations so we all can continue to be happy and healthy every day! Imagine...for us, what a wonderful vacation learning to love ourselves like we do our loved ones?
P.S. What faith is developing in me to even think of making the trip. And, I have to feel my husband will enjoy missing me for a few days.
Yes, it is a TRANSFORMATION just thinking about it. (You all know how much anxiety I have in taking a COURSE out of town, but it's for LOVE! Remember the song, &quot;WE DID IT FOR LOVE&quot;? This almost feels like the anxiety before our wedding 30 years ago.)

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