IF you enjoy a good old rant at everything from private education to the cost of a cuppa, we've the ideal Christmas gift for you.

The hilarious book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything S**t? by Alan McArthur and Steve Lowe is the best-selling title at online store Amazon.

And this witty collection of gripes and grumbles is gripping the nation just like last Christmas's surprise hit, Eats, Shoots And Leaves.

Here's a few of their least favourite things to get you in the mood for a major moan...

PRIVATE EDUCATION

AMAZINGLY, the early years of the 21st century saw an explosion in the number of children being sent to boarding school.

In 2003, the independent schools census reported a rise in numbers for the first time since records began. Even more amazingly - actually, it's f***ing stupefying - this upturn could apparently be explained by two words: Harry Potter.

That's right. Parents were persuaded to ship little Amy off to a remote castle, to be dunked in an icy river with some minor royals every morning to make a proper woman of her, after reading some books about a boarding school for magicians.

Now this raised serious questions about these parents' own education. Not to put too fine a point on it, Hogwarts - is - not - real. Your kids don't actually get to fly around on broomsticks. Aren't you too mental to have children?

SHOPS THAT PLAY MUSIC AT EAR-SPLITTING VOLUME

THAT'S quite a nice shirt, I think I'll pop in there and try... Oh, f**k, no I won't, they're playing Jamiroquai at 12 trillion decibels. Jesus, one of them is even dancing.

SHOPS THAT CHARGE EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS FOR A S**T CUP OF TEA

A POUND? A f***ing pound? I know what tea costs - I make it all the time!

And the shops that cut sausages in half down the middle. Does anyone believe they're getting two sausages, rather than one bad sausage sliced down the middle, with the curved sides pointing upwards to momentarily create the illusion of two bad sausages?

Anyone at all?

And the ones that offer you butter but then give you marg.

It's the lies I can't stand.

ADULT COVERS ON KIDS' BOOKS

JUST because the train on the front is black and white rather

than bright red, it doesn't suddenly become a harrowing Booker prizewinner called Harry Potter And The Genocide in Rwanda.

THE OSCARS

ANOTHER year and Hollywood's managed, what, maybe three decent films? That's right, give yourselves a big clap. Funny how you never seem to win awards in contests not run by yourselves.

ADVICE SLIPS

IN what meaningful sense does a receipt from a cashpoint constitute advice?

All it says is: "You haven't got any money." That's not advice.

It would be advice if it said: "If you turned up to work on time occasionally, maybe you'd get promoted and we wouldn't have to go through this pathetic charade every month."

EMAIL BRAGGING

PEOPLE who complain about how many messages they get sent, especially after they get back from holiday - "I'm still ploughing through them!"

Yes, well done. You're really f***ing important.

PROPERTY LADDER

A MARVELLOUS system that separates society into two camps: the smug and the damned.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

HAVE the makers of hummus, say, ever received a letter complaining that there was no parsley inside?

It seems unlikely. Yet there are always two words on food packaging to guard against such an eventuality - serving suggestion.

Like people expect a jug of cold milk to be included in their cereal packet. The serving suggestions are not only dumb, but woefully unoriginal.

Ready Brek is always served in a blue bowl. Why not, just once, show it in another kind of receptacle altogether, like a pair of wellington boots. Now that's a serving suggestion.

PANINIS

PANINI was once an Italian sticker company selling packets of footballers' dumpy faces. Then they went into the cheese toastie market and really cleaned up. They were so successful that they ran out of bread and started to make their snacks out of cardboard instead.

They also didn't have time to print the standard warning on the side of the packet: "Do not under any circumstances heat this to 200C as that is hot enough to melt the inside of someone's head."

Hot leaves? Bubbling hot yellow sauce? This is not the Italian way. Breakfast paninis with scrambled egg? Balls to them.

FOOT SPAS

BRITONS have spent £450million on foot spas but not a single one has ever been used (probably).

But at what point did these people feel they might need something full of hot water to put their feet in that wasn't the bath or even a bowl?

It's like using the normal sink to wash your hands but having another, special basin in case you fancy giving your pits a bit of a rinse.

BABY NAME BOOKS

NOBODY has ever found a good name in these books because the entries are things like Hadrian, Dylis, Mortimer and Binky. Oh, and Adolf. The Collins Gem version points out under Adolf/ Adolph that: "Adolph and the Latinised form of the name Adolphus have never been common names in this country and received a further setback with the rise of Adolf Hitler." Setback? I'll say.

SMART CASUAL

A WORKPLACE clothing policy devised by the Devil which decrees that suits are too smart and jeans too casual.

So what does that leave in the middle? F***ing chinos.Copyright 2005 by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur, extracted from Is It Just Me Or Is Everything S**t? published by Time Warner Books at £9.99.

To order a copy for £8.99 (p&p FREE) call Mirror Direct on 0870 07 03 200 or order on-line at www.mirrordirect.co.uk