I’m such a bellend. If it’s any consolation, I asked the girl I was supposed to be emailing about cooking for her how many toilets she had. I think she thought I was referring to her defecation activity, but using childish language. I’ve tried to explain that I would never think that as girls don’t defecate. Well, certainly not the pretty ones.

Yes I’m interested in the flat. Can you let me know some more details?

The room is £535 per month which includes bills, internet and sky. It is a shared bathroom and I am a 30 year old professional guy, I work as an accountant, I have 2 cats, I enjoy socialising but not too crazy these days.

Baby I’ve TOLD you, I meant to email someone else. I would never ask you anything like that. My only concerns about the activities of your bottom would most certainly be those including me!! (Like my birthday J ) xxxx

“I’m a 28 year old masseur, I enjoy playing the clarinet, socialising with friends and I am a semi professional wrestler. You can come and watch!! I’m called ‘The Fight Bastard’. It’s a bit like low budget WWE, but it’s really good fun. I currently have a girlfriend but don’t know how long that’s going to last, she’s a bit like a Tasmanian Devil in a wig these days”

Jenny I’m so sorry, I’ve been trying to help out this gay guy I know with a dating profile. He really needed my help, he’s not really got anyone except for these two little cats and I think he’s in need of a man, I was just trying to help him out but turns out he’s an ungrateful wang anyway so I’m not getting involved anymore.

The ad for a Mitsubishi Spacewagon? You must have looked at it to reply?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Hi

Sorry I don’t have a Mitsubishi Spacewagon so I’m not sure if I can help you. There’s a garage near where I live who I know have a range of old Mitsubishi’s, I can ask there if you like?

It’s run by a bit of an inscrutable Chinaman named Derek. I think my mate Steve bought a Shogun off him a bit ago and got a good deal.

Thanks

M

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

What? I’m not looking to buy one, I’m selling one. You replied to my ad hence the title of the email? Check your sent box.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Hi

Why are you asking me about one if you’re selling one?

Do you want Derek’s number?

Thanks

M

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I don’t want anyone’s number. You replied to my ad, that’s why I mailed you. How do you not understand this?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Pete – apologies.

I seem to have been a colossal ballbag here. I checked my inbox and our emails and I see what has happened. My wife has been talking about a new car and I know she likes Mitsubishi’s. She must have done this on my laptop. Quite why she’d send a blank email is beyond me to be honest Pete – she’s a fucking nightmare.

Sick of her.

But admittedly I did forget our anniversary (me and her, not me and you, that would be weird) and went to play Quasar with my mates, so I probably owe her a car or a necklace something.

Is it still for sale?

Thanks

M

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Yes why do you think I’m still emailing you?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I see – that was fairly curt Pete.

Ok, I’m interested in the car, what’s the damage?

Thanks

M

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

It’s on for £1,080

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Oh. I didn’t mean the price, I meant actual damage.

But for £1080 it better actually wagon her to space, Pete.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

There is no damage except for a very slight dent in the bumper which I have taken into account in the price.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Ok I can see you’re no mug, Pete. I do like a good haggle – may the best man win.

£1200

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Er…ok. If you haggle aren’t you supposed to start lower? But I’ll happily take £1200

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Don’t patronise me Pete, I’ve been haggling long before your fathers father was selling fucking Spacewagon’s.

£1000 (OBO)

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I’ve got other people interested in this and this is beginning to do my head in. You’re bidding and I don’t even know if you’ve seen the car.

OBO is ‘or best offer’ so that’s not for you as the bidder to say.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Really? I saw it in an Autotrader magazine at my Dad’s and just thought it sounded cool.

Ok Pete, I am interested, but I’m not paying any more than £1070.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Fine. Deal. Where are you based?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Don’t you think Spacewagon sounds really unnecessarily dramatic and it’s a bit of a letdown to find out what it is? Like when you hear LASER JET and then find out it’s a printer? LASER and JET should be more Bond villain than Maplins, don’t you think?

I might advertise my wife as LESBI WHORE in a similar light. Don’t suppose you’ll take her as part exchange would you Pete?

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I guess, but can we just stick to sorting this out.

I’m in Bristol, where do you want to meet?

I thought you were buying this for your wife? And if she’s got access to your mail then you’d better watch your back writing stuff like this.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I’ve had enough of her Pete. I’m starting to think she’s having an affair anyway. I’ve been inspecting her clothes for traces of semen but not found anything yet. I’m like the Poirot of the miserable bastard husband world.

You don’t know where I can get one of those blacklight things from do you Pete? You know the ones they have on those TV ‘shock docs’ when they show that there are 11 pints of jizz on every Travelodge pillow?

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Mark, when and where do you want to meet to sort out the car?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Well definitely not in a Travelodge right? Heh heh

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I need to sell this car. If you’re paying £1070 then I’ll take it. If not, just forget about it and stop pissing around.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Alright, chill out Pete don’t get sand in your vagina.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

DO YOU WANT THE FUCKING CAR OR NOT MARK?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

YES I FUCKING DO PETER.

Jesus, you’re really unprofessional.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

I don’t even know what to say to that. I’m not trying to be professional, I’m trying to sell my car and you’re making it really difficult. How are you paying? Cash would be best.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

This is Mark’s wife. I’m glad you and my husband have been having a laugh at my expense.

Fuck you and your Spacewagon.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

What? I’m just selling a car, I’ve not said anything. Are you buying the car or not? If not, just stop emailing me.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

What the fuck is a Spacewagon anyway? Sounds geeky.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Forget it.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Sorry Pete, its Mark again, I just went to town to get the cash and that FUCKING BITCH has been on my email again I see. Well not any more, I’ve changed the password to KARENSGOTAFATARSE! (Heh heh)

I’ve got £1050 in cash, is that ok?

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Fine. Where is good for you? Services on the M5 is probably the best if it’s half way?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

An M5? Thought I was buying a Spacewagon? I don’t like German cars. Not racist or anything.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

FOR. FUCK. SAKE. THE FUCKING MOTORWAY THE M5.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Sorry you’ve lost me mate.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Fuck off. Forget it.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Any news on that black light? I don’t want to push you on it but I’m starting to think you’re messing me around with it.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Fuck off.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Peter

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

The words ‘Spacewagon Pete’ are now actually referenced in our divorce papers.

So now I’ve split with her I don’t need the blacklight. Thanks for nothing.

From: Peter

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: MITSUBISHI SPACEWAGON

Fuck off. I was never going to get you a fucking black light. You are a fucking weirdo.

I’m a keen fish collector. Is there a name for that? Sounds like there should be!!! If anyone should know it should be me I suppose. Let’s go for fintologist. As an avid fintologist, I’ve got loads of fish available.

What was it you were looking for?

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

That was a weird email. But yea I’ve got a tropical fish tank so looking for fish. I’ve got all the right equipment so they will be well looked after.

What have you got for tropical fish?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Hi

Thanks for the mail. Ha, it was a bit weird wasn’t it – I do that.

What do you mean exactly by ‘tropical fish’? Seems vague.

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Are you serious? I thought you were a ‘fintologist’ whatever that is and you don’t know what a tropical fish is?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Hi

Of course I know what a tropical fishes are. They’re a beautiful species, I have three of them. One male, two female. They’re called, Mal, Val and Spanky.

And I do know an awful lot about fish! You’d be surprised! Last Christmas my mother and I played a sort of home-made version of Mastermind before Wallace and Gromit started. I chose “fish and fish-like creatures” as my chosen subject and scored a whopping 17 out of 18 within the allotted time! I disputed the score with Magnus (my mother) as the last question was “why do you know so much about fish you smug little prick?” which I contested as an invalid question but was overruled by Magnus (my mother). Mother went on to beat me soundly in the general knowledge round as Magnus (me) was a lot more reasonable for her round than he (my mother) was during mine.

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Listen mate, I’m not really bothered about what you, your mum or Magnus do at Christmas, I’m just after some tropical fish. Which aren’t a fucking species, tropical fish means the climate and temperature of the water they are in. You don’t know as much about fish or fish-like creatures as you think.

Do you have any or not?

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Hi Mike,

Ah, sorry, I’ve got you – my mistake. There is a species of tropical fish, called ‘the tropical fish’. I believe they’re a type of guppy – or the Poecilia reticulate, or millionfish. I have three of those.

Ok, Ok! Jesus Mike, calm down. There’s no need to get your gills in a flutter.

Yes I do. I have a Siamese fighting fish, a black ghost knife fish, some neon tetras etc etc

I have a range of both freshwater and saltwater tropical fish depending on what your set up is. I can give you a full list if you stop being such a wang about it.

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

I’m being a wang? Are you for real? Your doing my head in. I have freshwater.

Send me the list

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Right, I’ve just checked my stock and it seems all I’ve got left is this tin of indiscriminate Russian fish mouths. Which I’ve already opened.

I’ll happily bring them round to yours on the proviso that you let me inspect your set up and agree to brush the teeth once a week.

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

YOU ARE A FUCKING PRICK. TELL YOU WHAT, BRING THEM ROUND AND I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING MOUTH.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Hi Mike,

I think in light of this violent outburst I’ve decided I’m not happy about the thought of giving you any fish. I think you have anger problems and I don’t think that is conducive to correctly looking after pets.

I’m sorry about that. I ‘fish’ you the best for the future. (Sorry, I do love a good pun).

Thanks

M

From: Mike

To: Mark Jorgensen

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

YOU ARE A FUCKING TIME WASTING CUNT. IF I EVER FIND YOU I’M GOING TO KICK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: Mike

Subject: Reply to your ad: Wanted free fish

Hi Mike,

You see? It’s this sort of crabby attitude which means I think you would be an untrustworthy and shellfish pet owner.