Archive for the ‘love’ Category

About a month ago my concern over m’s alcoholism hit an all time high. He stopped trying. He stopped working. He just stopped. He had more and more nights where he called a second time to say goodnight forgetting entirely that he called to tell me goodnight AN HOUR AGO! And when we went out he was consuming drinks faster and faster. I can tell the difference between someone enjoying a craft beer and a person trying to pack in as much percentage of alcohol as possible as quickly as possible. Hello! I was raised by an alcoholic father. I can pick up and tune into all the little fucking signs. All of them. I know that when you call versus text you are drinking. I know that when you say you are doing laundry, you are drinking. I know that when you say you are meeting your father for lunch you are drinking. I know how to decode a lot of this. And I also know that no matter what I know, there is always so so so much more I’m unaware of. This part was the part that worried me more than anything.

So I asked him to meet me for brunch one day. We shared a quiche at a pizza place and I explained my concerns.

In August we planned on moving in together. So the urgency of the situation was closing in on me. How can I knowingly invite that into my living space on a daily basis?

He was floored. Apparently to him this came out of nowhere. I’ll explain later why this infuriates me. But to him: he was shocked and blindsided. He had no idea how much I knew about the situation. He never once denied any of it. He was EXTREMELY receptive. He listened. And listened. And cried. And listened some more. I had a lot of words. And they couldn’t have come out more perfectly. I would never claim to be an articulate human being just like I could never claim to be a good driver. I just simply am not those things. But for some reason by whatever higher power you believe in I said everything just as I needed to say it.

It landed perfectly. At the end of this….. intervention (for lack of a better word) I told him that I needed a break. This worry and stress had climbed to a level that I needed to take a step back from. Obviously, me thinking that I could break from the stress just by breaking from him is just not how it actually works in my female brain. It’s always interesting to me the things I’m able to compartmentalize and all the things I simply cannot.

Over the next 3 weeks he sprung into clean up mode. He connected with friends he hadn’t connected with in a long time. I was concerned over the bitterness in which he spoke about his so-called friends. Something that I still don’t quite understand. But he dug in and he is actively cultivating and nurturing those friendships and new ones. I’m so damn proud of this. Like I said, I don’t understand why this is something he put on hold.

He also got a therapist. For his depression and anxiety. Part of him falling off the wagon was him getting off his anti-depressants… I know he hates the side effects, but he so desperately needs this. But at least he started the process of getting help. So he has been to exactly 1 session. We’ll see how this goes.

He started going to the gym every day. This is always something he says he is going to do. Something that he wants to do. But during our talk I spoke about howbad his follow through is. I can’t rely on him for anything he says he’ll do. He’s not a follow-through-er. And this was one area in his life that was the most obvious that he just wouldn’t follow through. So he is a regular gymmer now. I say that, 3 weeks in and he’s hitting 4 days a week. We’ll see how this goes.

He bought a kayak. He’s been talking about this for a long time. He did it. And not only did he do it he got his kayak on the lake for a solo ride. And then on top of that has gone out with his friends! The friendships that he had previously been denying. I would’ve put money on these things never happening. As in literally never.

He said the words out loud. He looked into my eyes and said “I am an alcoholic”. I had tears in my eyes instantly. Of course, he said it over a glass of wine, but he fucking said it. Holy shit. He doesn’t feel like he needs to stop drinking. He thinks that he needs to stop drinking when he’s bored or sad. Those are his “self medicating” rules/boundaries that he’s put on himself. I need him in AA. I need him 100% dry. But he isn’t there yet. Maybe… MAYBE… he can just restrict…. But…. This is text book addict verbiage. Maybe he’ll slowly crawl out of denial. I can only hope.

So, here he is… with his laundry list of things he is working on to becoming a better human. But here I am…. I’m completely underwhelmed at his strides. Why? Well, remember when I said I had something to talk about that infuriated me? Back in December when we were discussing getting back together we talked about all these things.

The drinking, the coping, the bettering himself, the gym, the attitude, the depression, the pills… We spoke about all these things. He spoke of them so clearly. He made this list himself. All the things that had to be different in his life if me and him were going to work. So… how long did all that last? A few months. He tried a solid 2 months before I started to see and feel the slipping. Me and him connect so well when he is working on things. He’s so open with me. He talks about all his shit. All of it. But when he starts slipping in one area it all unravels… this includes our connection.

Our connection is still severed. Because the break. I am perpetuating this disconnect. Why? Because I can’t trust any of this to be something that sticks forever. Backsliding to me is inevitable. I absolutely hate that I think this. I absolutely hate that I don’t think he could possibly keep this up. What a shitty girlfriend. But I’ve been hurt and burned at this before. I am so so hurt. But no matter how hurt I feel I am even more scared.

So when he says this whole thing blindsided him? FUCK YOU! This is something we both cared so deeply about in the past. This is why I could even consider getting back with him. This. None of it is new. None of this can ever be OUT OF THE BLUE. This is our shit. Our constant shit.

He has such strong demons that he wrestles with daily. And I feel so awful that I can no longer stand at his side while he battles. I am so damn conflicted.

But here’s what I know. I need someone that follows through. I need someone that I don’t have to constantly monitor and mother. I don’t want to be the nagging partner in life always asking “are you drinking?” I don’t want to play this role. I deserve other things, right? Deserve… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t’ deserve more, but I do know that I need someone I can rely on. And I can’t rely on him.

I’m struggling with this decision. I need to let go. I need to let him work on this apart from me. And I need him to become a better person because that is what he wants to do for himself not to save our relationship. Because he had me and our relationship. And it wasn’t enough.

I hope he keeps it up. I want him to succeed. But my fear about the possibility may be something I can’t possibly get passed.

The door knob rattled matching her own nerves. I force myself to keep my chin and eyes down. Hands in lap. Chest bear save for the necklace he bought me last year on our 3 year anniversary.

The door opens. Slowly. Always slowly. He knows whats happening inside of me and he loves to exploit that. Jerk. Ugh… but I love it. I can’t wait to feel his hand on my chin. Permission to me to look into those beautiful endless eyes.

He takes his time, as usual. He slowly undresses. And stands over me. I don’t know how long this goes on. My body aches so badly for his touch. But I’d just give anything to just look up at him! But I dare not sneak a peak before permission is granted. It’s ok. It makes it better. And he knows it. Oh how he loves what he does to me. Can you imagine having power over someone without even touching them? It’s haunting.

“Baby girl.” He whispers… The huskiness in his voice makes it almost inaudible at that decibel… but I know exactly what he said. I hear it in my sleep sometimes. I wake up in tears when I realize he’s not holding me. But he’s here now.

Finally! I tremble as his hand guides my gaze up to his. It never ceases to amaze me how powerful this moment is after all these years. I couldn’t live knowing this moment would never happen again. This. Like gravity… a law of physics in my life. Always, with no exception pulling me in.

As I match his gaze he gets bigger and bigger. Maybe I do hold some power after all. He taps the side of my face with his growing cock. I follow the cue and devour it. I’m instantly wet. And he instantly snaps to full size. My insides want so much. The desire within me is growing in volume that it consumes my ears… Of course in reality all that is escaping from me are the quiet moans as I take him deep into my mouth. I grab both sides of his hips with my two hands. It came out a little more forceful than I expected it to. I steal a glance at his face to see if he noticed. He most definitely did! He leans down. With one even motion he cups my elbows and lifts me off my knees and throws me onto the bed.

Things with M are going really well. We even made our relationship facebook official. WHAT!??! Yes, you read that right. Lol… We live in a strange era, don’t we? I’ve only been fb official with Andy since my divorce.

He fights his demons daily. He has so much going on in that head of his. He has depression. It’s genetic. His mom… He always looks at her and it makes him feel even worse because he knows there’s not an end to it. It’s still her demon. It’ll be his too still in 20 years. It just is. I hate this for him. He tries so hard. But depression and anxiety have been a cause of so many of our issues. The first time around and now… but more because the baggage we created the last go around.

For instance, he broke up with me before saying that he was in so so deep into the depression that he didn’t want to take me down too. I deserved more. He walked away. So anytime this comes up now… any bad moment I see rearing it’s ugly head I am terrified he will make this same decision. I no longer feel like I’m just waiting for the end. I know he is working. Fighting to live a normal life and love me through it. But in those bad moments when I can’t see, touch, or hold him I hear that ghost of our past tapping on my brain. I brace myself. But I know he’s working on it. I am gaining more and more faith and trust that this won’t be what ends us. But… baggage is a bitch.

He’s so good at surprises and gifts. He’s so good with physcial contact. He’s so good with the words he gives me. I feel so so lucky. He is so wrapped around me its incredible. I’ve never had someone that needed me on this level. It’s one of those things I always thought was unhealthy, but this doesn’t feel unhealthy. It feels like a partnership. A true partnership with two sides equally leaning on each other. I love that.

I’m so happy to commit to him. And that’s not something that comes easy. I was definitely there with mitch too, but everyone else… that commitment is hard to jump into. I’m such a damn flirt and so addicted to attention. But this man… He gives me all of his attention and everything else in his being.

Every fiber of my being was aware that he was back. WE WERE IN THE SAME STATE AGAIN! I was trying to play it cool. I was dating the other guy… and m was bad for me right? He left, right?

He asked to see me immediately. I said yes. Immediately. I can’t not run to this man. I don’t think I’d ever make this man want for anything if I could possibly deliver.

I saw him. I smiled. I hugged him. We chatted for a few minutes. I welcomed him home.

It was short. As I walked away I couldn’t stop smiling. Ear to ear! Then WAM! It hit me. HOLY SHIT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN! How did I NOT see that.

I had to remind myself all the reasons why he was a bad idea. He drank too much. Way too depressed to function. He was emotionally stunted. He couldn’t face any emotion he had: good, bad, or ugly. He just shut down in the face of feelings. This is the same boy that broke up with me after one of the most phenomenal weekends of my life! We had so much fun together. Definitely the best weekend we had. BY FAR! And because of that he broke it off.

He did the “noble thing” and did it because he was going to drag me down. His depression stemmed from a very very very deep place. He has the worst view of himself. Not to mention it all started with a specific event that he will never ever forgive himself for. Because of that he will never feel worthy of love. 😦 It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking.

So here I am running all these things in my head and all I can do is smile because… LOVE. What a damn girl.

Over the next few weeks he pours everything out to me. How he wished he hadn’t left. How I was the best thing thats ever been in his life. How he will spend as long as it takes to win me back. That he was put on this planet for me. And me for him.

Who did he become??? Already something was different. This man wasn’t the type to pour out his heart like this. The change was already enough to make me give him a shot again. But I waited. I needed to see something… I wasn’t sure for what tho.

But it became clear very quickly what I was waiting on. A promise to make us different than it was. But it wasn’t something words could’ve resolved for me.

Turns out he started taking medication for the depression. I was stoked to find that out. He didn’t want to “lower” himself to that before. But this guy is why these type of pills were created! For that person that just can’t find that chemical balance the rest of us kind of have naturally.

He joined a gym! This guy use to be way too self conscious for a gym before! I mean… he’s self conscious still but my point is that he is overcoming it! He’s going despite himself. That is HUGE for this guy.

He even told me he’s been praying and working on doing more of it… this is a show stopper! WHAT!!??!

He was fighting for me. As if I needed half of this with all the other feelings I have for him. I couldn’t believe the changes I was seeing in him. I’ve not experienced this much joy over something in my life I think.

I pretty quickly detached from that one guy. I say quickly… I took a few weeks doing it… and they were a LOOOOOONG couple of weeks. I wanted to be with m so badly, but I didn’t want there to be any physical overlap. Both guys deserved way better than that. It felt like forever.

Thank you thank you thank you! I was still so weak and so sore. I basically just
got into bed and chilled there the rest of the week. A few noteworthy things that
happened over the course of my hospital stay.

My ex-husband was around A LOT. And he’s the sweetest person. Him and his family
are givers. Most generous bunch you’ll ever meet. They are like that with
EVERYONE. There’s zero discrimination. People they just met, people they’ve known
forever. The bum on the side of the highway. The waitress that “must be having a
bad day.” Everyone. My ex brought me a goody bag of things. Christmas socks that
were the softest I’ve ever felt. Headbands for my gross hair I didn’t have the
energy to wash. He brought me his ipad to use. Chap stick… just because. He
stayed with me one afternoon. Held my hand. I NEEDED my hand held. I was in pain
and I was scared. It felt nice. His family even sent me flowers.

Also, the guy I’m seeing was out of town with his family. He was suppose to come
back on Friday. But Friday turned into Sunday. He got into town early afternoon.
He was going to come see me, but he came home to cat puke on his bed. Okay. Sure.
Clean your bed. Well then West World was on. Um… sure. Whatever. My other
friends were there. I didn’t need his company. Just wanted to see him. He finally showed up around 9:30pm. He was proud of himself for inconveniencing himself with a hospital trip. Sigh.

My mom was quick to point out the difference in the two men. She even said something about remarrying my ex… and things happening for a reason… and blah blah blah. I can’t even sometimes. It was very nice having someone do special things for me and to help me in a time of need. Very nice. But remarry nice? I mean… come on… let’s not rush ourselves. But, honestly… it was really hard not to think about that. Really hard. I’ve done a really good job not comparing people to my ex up until this point.

Plus the other guy… he may just not be good at comforting or know how to deal with sickness. It’s a gift that not everyone has. Sickness is an inconvenience more than anything. Sigh… whatever. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses.

But in his defense he ended up coming in after work on Monday and staying all evening. My other friends came too. We pretty much had a party in my room. I’m sure the nurses LOVED that. Too bad I was only on Tylenol by then. 🙂 I really am lucky to have such great people in my life.

So…. mitch called me last week. He said he wanted to start thinking about us maybe sort of getting back together. Vague as shit, right? But… you guys know what I went through. I couldn’t just say no and hang up. It wasn’t just my curiosity that made me say “Yeah, we could talk about that.”

Two days later he texted me and said he was on his way to Little Rock. He had friends to catch up with and he wanted to meet up with me too. Whao.. I haven’t seen from this guy since March and he wants to get things going again AAAAANNNNDDD HE’S ON HIS WAY TO ME???

I didn’t know how to feel. It’s like my feelings short circuited and shut down.

“Okay, yeah. We can do dinner.” Whats the harm in that?

He picks me up. He walks up to me and hugs me and kisses me. Kisses me like he owns me. I’m hesitant, but my reflexes were too slooooow and I kissed back, but it felt all wrong.

It wasn’t til I was sitting across the table from man that I realized just how much anger I have for him. I am so so so so so mad! How could he do what he did? He’ll never understand what shape he left me in. NEVER. I’m sure that forgiveness isn’t impossible, but it surely wasn’t today. We had our meal and I tried my best not to talk about the break up and just talk about us now. And what he was thinking and about his expectations and such.

When I said the word expectations all he answered was that he expected we would have sex tonight (Sunday night). I was a little taken aback as I was referring about how he thought we were going to pick up a relationship long distance and if he expected us to be exclusive or what level of commitment he was sitting on. Um… sex? Tonight? Really? Like, sex with mitch was fantastic, don’t get me wrong. And this week I have been in a MOOD! But… it couldn’t have been more of a turn off. I quickly set him straight on the issue. That I’m unsure of where I stand on the boundary front, but that I wouldn’t expect sex tonight if I were him.

As we were making our way back to my apartment he puts his hand on my boob and tries to start rubbing. I throw his hand off. And he said “what’s wrong babe?” “I’m just not sure about all that. I haven’t seen you since march WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.” Then he puts his hand on my crotch. I yell “NO” as forcefully and summoning as much authority as possible. And you all know about my submissive when it comes to men, especially lovers (ex or not). I had to dig deep for this, but I was amazed at his forwardness.

He drops me off saying he has committed some time to his old roommate while he’s in town and asks if he can come back later that evening. I tell him it just depends on how late it was… it being a school night at all. I know it hasn’t gone well this far, but I wouldn’t mind another conversation before he leaves town again.

It isn’t til 10 that he asks when is “too late.” At 10:30 I head to bed and I tell him this much. “So… I can’t come over?” “Goodnight.” Eye roll. I’m kind of mad at this point. Don’t tell me you are coming back and then expect me to stay up for you. No sir.

THe next day I don’t hear from him til the evening. He asks if he can stay the night… but it won’t be til late. More committed time to another buddy in a town about an hour away. I said he could… I’m still wanting that conversation.

He doesn’t come in til 11pm tho. I know at this point a productive conversation is impossible. He tries his handsy shit again, and I have to tell him to quit being so pushy.

I felt like the whole weekend was one big booty call. It made me feel shitty. He never once made me feel respected, valued, or cared for… That from the guy that says he wants to try a relationship again?

I want to look back today. I want to examine. Analyze. Think think think on recent past. I want to dive into it!

Why? I’m not sure. To look for some science in it all. Explanations. Causation? I don’t know. But I feel strong today (after a few very tearful/hormonal days).

How far back? Let me see.

R. You never loved me. I’m not sure why you told me that. What were you really feeling? I think that maybe in the moments of “what if” and “maybe” its easy to sink into the best feelings. Humans, for some reason against all evidence and outcomes and past experiences, are hopeful. Hope. It’s not rational. But ironically it does keep us sane. I find that fascinating. But I digress.

M. It WAS about sex, huh? Man! I would’ve bet my life against that one. I truly thought you were just damaged and needed some guidance to prove otherwise. That was silly of me. This took me A FULL YEAR AFTER THE BREAKUP to realize it. Time does heal some things. Gah. This one really does feel good to come to terms with. I spent so much energy trying to figure this out thru the entire thing. Deciphering meanings from words and actions and the way the words and actions didn’t match. Some times its confusing because we want the opposite of what we are hearing but really it’s that simple. It’s just that we chose to cover our ears and disregard our gut. Our hearts are bigger than our brains. We think if we just feel enough we can over power what is actually going on. Willing everything into love and happily ever after.

Andy. What happened? I jumped too soon. Way way way way too soon. I saw a glimpse of something I LOVED! And then failed to re-evaluate as I went. I just pushed on chasing that glimpse. But that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t at all what I thought. Andy stopped putting effort into the whole thing about 5 minutes in… I bathed in those 5 minutes. Then I bottled up that feeling and went back to it every time reality fell short. Why was this okay with me at the time? But again, I had that darn hope that makes no sense to have. Hope that those first 5 minutes would be my reality again and again with him. It wasn’t going to happen.

Mitch. Holy fuck you ruined my existence. Still. I’m still spinning. I wanted all of you forever. You never let me down. Until you walked away. You didn’t want this. And you left this. It came on sudden and it ended sudden. Easy come easy go? Not sure easy is the word I’d use tho. This guy caused more baggage than my divorce. I will forever not trust the words of someone that speaks so passionately and with such enthusiasm… SHARED enthusiasm. Still spinning. The things I felt here… felt like forever. For the first time I felt forever. Spinning.

Not much analysis there I suppose. But so many thoughts. So many feelings. So many open ended questions. No closure here. The only hope (there’s that word again) is that time will turn this into something other than a ‘what if’ and ‘the one that got away’.

I think I’ve decided that once he turned my world upside down… I’m not sitting here waiting on the world to turn right side up again. I can only re learn how to navigate with gravity pulling in the opposite direction. I’m learning.

I guess if we are using the world flipping analogy that I’m grateful its a sphere… hey looky there. Gravity is pulling in the same direction as it was before. Maybe it’s not too bad after all, huh? Sigh… And we were always spinning.

Discarded. Mitch, you gave me my new biggest fear in life. You discarded me. It’s way worse than rejected. Who knew?

Trey. I’m just so sorry I did that to you. I did things to you that guys have done to me and I hate that I might have left you feeling the way they’ve made me feel. I’m sorry. There were moments I really did what us… but ultimately its the picture I wanted. You just filled in my gap of pain… You didn’t fit perfectly but I selfishly kept you there to help appease my broken heart. It just wasn’t right. And no excuse is good enough. It was shitty. I was shitty.

This post felt like healing. It feels good. Not everything in it is good obviously. But this one felt good to get out of my finger tips.

I have too many. A mistake has been made. I’ve been allotted more than my share. I must have taken someone else’s. They are sitting there… all hard to the world… feeling nothing. Do I envy them? I don’t know. I mean… Normally I feel like this is a gift. But all the feelings are hurting me right now. Like an open attack on my heart. On my mind. On that stupid spot on my forearm…