It is theorized that the whole of the tensions between the United States and Russia can be traced to a brooding catfight between U.S. State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, and Gayane Chichakyan, Washington reporter for the Russia Today network.

Simmering tensions between the two lovely ladies, Psaki and Chichakyan, had first been noticed by Ersjdamoo back in late April of 2014. At a State Department press briefing circa April 25, Gayane Chichakyan was wondering about the coincidence of Vice President Joe Biden going to Kiev and the sending in of troops to the dissident east of Ukraine. A similar seeming coincidence had occurred when DCIA John Brennan went to Kiev. So, at a U.S. State Department briefing, she naturally asked about this. The State Department spokesperson, Jen Psaki, quickly rebuffed the question with a haughty, “I think we’re ready to move on.” (Background: Obama “Boxed In” About Ukraine?, Ersjdamoo’s Blog, May 7, 2014.)

Of course, as women do, it was all smiles. But increasing animosities between Russia and the U.S. can be traced to the Psaki/Chichakyan contretemps of late April 2014. Since that time, those with a keen eye cannot help but notice the “meows” beneath the surface at subsequent Psaki/Chichakyan encounters.

The ratcheting up of tensions between Psaki and Chichakyan was obvious at a State Department briefing of December 17, 2014. Here is the gist of the feline encounter:

PSAKI: (Sees that Chichakyan is about to ask a question) Okay, go ahead. We can just do a few more here, so I just – I know there’s other topics that people want to get to.

CHICHAKYAN: (Fur rises at Psaki’s pre-question brush-off, i.e., “…there’s other topics that people want to get to.”) Meow… About the sanctions bill that President Obama is about to sign, as I understand…

PSAKI: (Interrupts Chichakyan) He signed it yesterday.

CHICHAKYAN: (Hisses sotto voce, then continues) It includes the possibility of supplying arms, weapons to Ukraine. In what way could pouring more weapons into Ukraine possibly contribute to a peaceful resolution?

PSAKI: (Contemptuous and dismissive) Well, it provides that opportunity or that flexibility. It doesn’t mean that that policy has changed, and it hasn’t changed.

The perceptive observer can notice the feline tensions between Psaki and Chichakyan whenever the two feign exchanging niceties of ideas. We know from the studies of General A.J. Pleasonton how electricity plays a tremendous role in Earth’s atmosphere. [1] Not as well known is the role electricity plays in male/female relations. “The sexes are oppositely electrified – hence their mutual attraction for each other,” wrote Pleasonton. But “give them the same electricities, and mutual repulsion immediately results.” The male electricity is negative; the female electricity is positive. [2] The females generally have developed a strategy of purring niceties amongst themselves in order to inhibit mutual conflict caused by their positive electricities. For some reason however the positive electricities of Jen Psaki and Gayane Chichakyan are exacerbated, causing a stronger than usual mutual repulsion between the two. Perhaps this is due in part to Psaki favoring swimming versus Chichakyan favoring jogging for exercise. In Psaki’s case, the water of swimming has one effect on her electricity; in Chichakyan’s case the earth-contact of jogging has a different effect on her electricity.

So what can be done? The sparks are flying increasingly between the respective furs of Psaki and Chichakyan at their growingly uneasy encounters. Clearly it is time for a man to intervene, as is normally the case when catfights erupt between women to the point where the claws come out and scratchings begin. Ersjdamoo notes the water-swimming tie to Psaki and the earth-contact-jogging tie to Chichakyan. From this the idea of combining water and earth to form mud naturally proceeds. Therefore a mud wrestling contest between Psaki and Chichakyan is proposed. Such an encounter via the mud medium, it is believed, would help settle down the anomalous electricities and defuse the lightning sparks between these two fine ladies. This in turn might help promote a de-escalation of the thundering tensions between the United States and Russia.

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About ersjdamoo

Editor of Conspiracy Nation, later renamed Melchizedek Communique. Close associate of the late Sherman H. Skolnick. Jack of all trades, master of none. Sagittarius, with Sagittarius rising. I'm not a bum, I'm a philosopher.