When we last left hunchback turtle Peter King, he was offering you the hard TRUTH about this upcoming draft. Important facts such as, “different teams like different players.” Knowledge that ain’t gonna drop nowhere else. He was also learning things from Bob Papa, mourning the death of AMC (That’s “All My Children,” to you non-insiders), and becoming concerned about Ryan Mallett’s mobility, which has always concerned him.

So what about this week? Did Phil Simms get into a fistfight with a graphing calculator? How hardcore is that dude who asked for four shots of espresso in his venti cup? NOW THERE’S A MAN. Will Peter be shushed on the quietest Quiet Car? READ ON. We’re live from Laborville!

There’s a different feel to this draft.

It’s a windswept moonscape of a draft. In many ways, it reminds me of China.

Last week, co-hosting the Sirius NFL Radio “Opening Drive” show with Bob Papa, we had only two callers on hold midway through the show, at 9 a.m.

PAPA: I’m here with Peter King! Ask us anything you like about coffee OR the Texas Rangers, two very hot topics!

It’ll be interesting to see if there’s the typical draft fever Thursday night at Radio City. Will Roger Goodell get booed?

How can you boo this man? He breaks up fledgling race wars and does 4,000 crunches a day! Jerry Richardson told me so off the record. And he ain’t one to yank my nugget!

Seriously though, Goodell better get booed. You hear me, fans going to the draft? If you don’t boo that asshole, I’m finding you and giving you the smoky eye.

Will he get a cool shoulder from the drafted first-rounders? Maybe…

Will there be even more equivocation coming up later in this column? There might be. I’m not saying there will be, but it’s not inconceivable.

You want to know what you’re feeling if you’re the Carolina Panthers and you’re on the clock right now, with the first pick in the draft? Those four words: excitement, danger, insecurity and fear.

Oooh! And all of those lay somewhere between indifference and confusion! TASTE THE DANGER OF GIVING CAM NEWTON $50 MILLION.

As (Marty) Hurney climbed the NFL ladder, first with the Redskins, then in San Diego and finally with Carolina as GM, I always saw that same look. Whatever he was doing, he was going to try to outwork you doing it.

“No one else is gonna be up this late giving Jake Delhomme an unwarranted contract extension. NO ONE.”

My view is that Hurney likes Jimmy Clausen a little bit, but really doesn’t know if he’s the answer in a division that features quarterbacks Drew Brees, Matt Ryan and rising star Josh Freeman.

“Do I like this horrible player I drafted? MAYBE. Is he really all that great? I DON’T KNOW. Shouldn’t I be a bit more decisive if I’m in charge of an NFL team? ONE NEVER KNOWS. Now, I think it’s time to draft Cam Newton. Is he our Savior? FUCK IF I KNOW.”

I’m going to tell you how I think Hurney will be feeling over the next three days and nights prior to the 8 p.m. beginning of round one.

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: Insecurity!

TUESDAY NIGHT: Excitement!

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON: Fear!

WEDNESDAY NIGHT: Confusion!

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON: More confusion! Let’s go to the zoo to calm down!

THURSDAY NIGHT: Excitrodangerfear!

NEXT FIVE YEARS: Confusion!

Could the Panthers pick someone else? Still possible, but I believe unlikely.

Call it 40% possible.

(Hurney will) wonder how much offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski will have to pare down his playbook for a guy who stepped into the huddle at Auburn and called “Thirty-six.” That’s right; his plays were numbered at Auburn, called from the sideline, and so, as pointed out by Jon Gruden on his QB TV show the other night, Newton has to learn the complexities of NFL play-calling too.

Holy shit. Really? Are you fucking joking? And they’re gonna draft that guy number one?

SCOUT: Okay Cam, what’s the play I’ve drawn up here on the greaseboard?

CAM: Oh, that’s easy. That play is called RUN.

SCOUT: Could you be a bit more specific?

CAM: No. That play is definitely RUN. It’s not PASS, which is a whole other binder they gave us at Auburn.

SCOUT: Do you know what your dummy calls are?

CAM: WHO YOU CALLING STUPID? I’LL STEAL YOUR LAPTOP, YOU CUNT!

He knows (Newton) has the “it” factor, whatever “it” is.

Could “it” be height? MAYBE. Could “it” be lack of knowledge? POSSIBLY. Could “it” be entertainer/iconism? STILL POSSIBLE, BUT I BELIEVE UNLIKELY.

There’s a team in the draft that has a deal on the table — I’m guessing New England (surprise!) — with a team trying to come back into the first round.

PATRIOTS: Hey Peter. Tell people you “guess” we have a deal on the table to move down in the first round. That way, teams start making us better offers.

PETER: Got it. This will be a great scoop, unless I’m being lied to a lot!

PATRIOTS: No, no. We’d never do that. Say, could you get us some sugar cookies? We’ll… uh… like be great friends with you if you do.

PETER: Sure thing, guys!

Could it be Tennessee trading into the bottom of the first round, at 28, to get Jake Locker or Andy Dalton?

“Locker knows our entire offense already. He even drew up FIVE for us!”

New England, points out ESPNBoston’s Mike Reiss, has only five draft picks in 2012… That makes deals for future picks eminently logical this year, bordering on certain.

And nothing is more ironclad than borderline certainly. Except for possible impossibility.

The San Francisco hierarchy thinks Alex Smith is salvageable.

As what? An organ donor? “Well, the liver is still functional.”

The teams with a long-term quarterback need might get their men by sheer patience. I doubt it, but they might.

Here’s something that might possibly happen, but I actually doubt the possibility of this possibility. Which means it’s bordering on certain that it is NOT possible, and in fact unlikely. MAYBE.

/universe transforms into giant pile of silly snakes

This is not a league anymore that requires five passes a game 40 yards downfield. There might be one such throw. Maybe none.

Or maybe thirty! DO WE REALLY KNOW ANYTHING? Are we talking about baseball yet? Because that requires a LOT of good throwing. MAYBE.

“Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.”

Many of you, loudly, have chided me for my (Andy) Dalton enthusiasm. I might be wrong.

MIGHT BE. How many mighty mites could Mighty Mouse maybe lift if he mighted his mighty mightiness and mated with Mighty Mike Tyson in a moat full of meat? Or might that be moot? MIGHT.

Other draft nuggets

NUGGGGGETTTTTTTS!!!!

Bill Parcells and Mike Tirico met in Orlando earlier this month and taped 10 segments for a “Draft Confidential” show that will air Tuesday night on ESPN from 9:30-11 p.m. Eastern.

“Confidentially speaking Mike, that kid is a fucking Jap.”

The Browns would like to thank 280 Park Avenue, sort of.

THEY MIGHT THANK YOU.

I’ve got a perfect road trip for the extended Harbaugh family.

It starts at the Texas School Book Depository. Then it goes to Nashville, where you learn about slavery. Then it detours over to the Starbucks in Indiana, PA. And then? BACK TO THE DEPOSITORY.

The Thanksgiving night Niners-Ravens game in Baltimore will be fun for the family too. Or torture.

FUN: 60% certainty

TORTURE: 5-2 odds

Quote of the Week II

“You aren’t sleeping with Mrs. Dalton, are you?”

-Anonymous former NFL coach, to me, after I suggested that TCU’s Andy Dalton would become the best quarterback of the 2011 draft class.

I bet you a latte he is!

But seriously, there’s a little Fenway/Wrigley/Augusta to that young man.

Quote of the Week IV

“I know one thing: When I come back as a coach, I’m gonna corner-blitz your ass.”
-Jon Gruden, in his ESPN special on quarterback prospects, to TCU quarterback Andy Dalton, when they were on the field at the University of South Florida working on passing drills.

OMG! He did NOT just go there! Yiu name me another coach who will say the word ASS to a player’s face! That Jon Gruden is fucking hardcore. I bet he drinks lots of coffee in a BIG cup. Don’t be fucking with THIS GUY.

Number of Patriots picks in the top 33 of the draft: 3.

And Belichick nailed three car show models last week! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!!

So let’s break out the NFL draft trade chart, which places a numerical value on the choices in all seven rounds, to see what the Patriots would have to do to move up to number three under this scenario.

Oh, you mean the chart that was concocted arbitrarily in the Dallas war room ages ago and has been completely debunked since? MAYBE.

Now, the chart is not gospel.

Could it be gospel? IT MIGHT. Should we rejigger the Roman calendar based on its principles? I THINK IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA, BUT I’M VIRTUALLY CERTAIN IT IS NOT.

That, of course, is assuming the Bills and Patriots take the chart as gospel, and many teams absolutely do not… Teams don’t have to use it. But it just shows you how valuable the third overall pick is…

Here’s a chart that many teams find outdated and useless. BUT MAN, DOES IT EVER SHOW YOU JUST HOW VALUABLE THE #3 PICK IS IF YOU OVERVALUE IT.

and it’s highly unlikely the Bills would take much of a discount, if any, for dealing that choice…

But still possible!

I traveled nowhere in the past week — except to a Boston-area courtroom. For the first time in my 53 years, I was selected to serve on a jury.

PETER TO THE JUDGE: Whoa hey, “guilty” or “not guilty”? Isn’t there some option in between, like semi-guiltyish? Or Confused? These verdict options seem awfully lacking in nuance.

I’m not like most people. (You probably knew that already.)

I’m not like most people. I need hotel clerks to find things for me.

I badly wanted to be on a jury.

Peter has a job that pays him a huge salary, won’t dock him for missed time, and lets him do his work pretty much according to his own schedule. I’m SHOCKED this man would have no problem doing jury duty.

But you see, Peter isn’t like most people. He wants to do jury duty because he’s AWESOME.

When I lived in New Jersey, I got called three different times to be in the jury pool at the Essex County Courthouse, but I never got on a case. I always thought it would be cool to be Henry Fonda or, at least, Martin Balsam, in 12 Angry Men, the best court movie I’ve ever seen.

PETER: OBJECTION!

Judge: Jurors can’t object, Mr. King.

PETER: I quasi-object to that! MAYBE.

The case had very little hard evidence. Lots of escalating tempers, hatred, blame and confusion.

Just like my column!

Not a great job clarifying all the confusion by the lawyers, particularly by the commonwealth’s attorney prosecuting the case.

Could they have been clearer? It might have helped.

I sat there during the two-plus hours of testimony trying to figure out if we could get a solid handle on the two charges. Did the defendant damage the plaintiff’s car, and did she do it willfully?

And does she consider herself an “entertainer”?

Did the defendant harass the plaintiff through verbal or electronic means over a five-month period?

POSSIBLY.

Three or four times, I wanted to shout out to one of the attorneys: “You gotta be kidding! Follow up on that question! Ask her to clarify!” Or whatever.

CLARIFY! Or whatever. Whatever word you want me to use to mean you should clarify.

In that regard, it was a frustrating experience, wanting to know more information, and that information quite possibly being on the tips of the witnesses’ tongues, but we could never get to it.

In other news… I totally know something crazy about Ryan Mallett, but I can’t tell you it right now. Or maybe ever.

We deliberated about two-and-a-half hours. Good group.

Lofty group.

/obligatory

A 48-year-old mom from the neighborhood, a 19-year-old BU student (who, by lot, was selected foreman)…

Finally, a just seeding for BU.

…who had to rush from court the first day for an Organic Chemistry test…

Q: How many moles of Pittsburghish grit are formed when mixing Steelers fans with the hard-nosed attitude of Mike Tomlin?

A: It cannot be defined, for Organic Chemistry is unknowable in a way, unless you see it…

two 20-something women (one about to get married), a quiet 50-ish businessman…

Quasi-middle aged!

…and me. I got up and dry-erase-boarded the charges from the judge about what we had to feel surely was proven in court to get guilty verdicts. First we discussed the case involving vandalism. Was there vandalism to the car? Certainly.

Certainly possibly.

Was the damage done willfully? Without question.

Though ALSO without answer!

Did the defendant do it? We all thought she probably did — but we couldn’t convict someone on the flimsy evidence presented in court. Not guilty.

Was the car damaged? Absolutely. Enough to convict? Eh, I guess not.

Now the harassment accusation.

The judge did a great job on this charge, telling us that harassment had to be at least three calls or texts or e-mails or letters that implied any form of harassment. Very helpful.

/hears every QB in football rush to file similar charges against Peter

//finds out Cutler included a rape charge, just to be spiteful

“You have to have an abiding conviction to a moral certainty that it’s true,” the judge said. “It doesn’t have to be 100 percent certain, because very few things in life ever are 100 percent certain.”

Holy shit, this judge was made for Peter King. You don’t have to be certain. Call it 87% certain.

There could be a very slim chance that we were wrong, the judge advised, but if we had this “moral certainty” of guilt, we should vote to convict.

Really? That’s how the law works? Remind me to move to Denmark. “You can be wrong about the verdict, so long as you don’t FEEL wrong about it.”

I think in the wake of Jon Gruden sitting with quarterbacks and working out quarterbacks and examining their mental and physical games, this has been the common question:

Will he corner blitz my ASS?!!

If Gruden is so good with young quarterbacks, why didn’t he ever develop a great one himself?

Because he is NOT good with young quarterbacks.

I think, pretty soon, we’re going to have to start covering Tom Zbikowski the boxer. He’s 4-0 after wiping the canvas with another sap Saturday night.

You know who’s a good boxer? That guy who hasn’t boxed anyone good.

Just to be clear: The coach I discussed this with never said he wouldn’t take a red-headed quarterback (like Andy Dalton). He never said he didn’t like red-headed quarterbacks. What he did was wonder aloud if it could be a factor. As silly as it seems, he wondered … the same way he wondered about every other personal and mental and football factor in the guy’s life.

As silly as it seems… it had to MEAN something. I’m morally certain of it.

I think I wouldn’t worry too much about the financial health of Roger Goodell.

HEADLINE: Americans To Relax After Learning Rich Asshole Still Rich

Bruins-Canadiens has to mean more to the players in the game than Yankees-Red Sox mean to those players.

There’s more Jeter in that series than there is in Jeter himself!

All is forgiven, Dice-K. Well, most is.

All is forgiven. EXCEPT THAT IT’S NOT.

Someone obviously woke up Albert Pujols.

He’s more than alive!

I’m not saying my brother-in-law makes a really dark dark-roast cup of coffee or anything, but after Easter dinner Sunday, I felt like I had my caffeine intake for 11 days.

HARDCORE. GRUDENCORE.

It’s not fashionable, I’m sure. And it’s not going to win me any points with the beer nerds. But I had a couple of Lone Star longnecks the other night, and that’s an underrated everyday beer.

Oh I so wish there were cameras in the jury deliberation room. I can just imagine PK imaging himself as Tom Brady or Peyton Manning drawing up a play.

04.25.11 at 12:56 pm

Brutus Ballsack

I put all my trust in the definite possibility that Peter’s writing might be less than certain, maybe.

04.25.11 at 12:56 pm

0tarin

In other news: holy shit, the draft is this week? I actually had no idea. I’ll have to not pay attention to sports news networks even harder this week.

04.25.11 at 12:57 pm

Cutler's Sulk

Holy shit, he was actually qualified to serve on jury duty? The idea of him being in charge of something like that is terrifying. Our legal system is fucked.

04.25.11 at 1:00 pm

Buffalo Boots

“Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself”.

My theory on Peter King is like mushrooms……keep him in the dark and feed him shit.

04.25.11 at 1:01 pm

FozzieBear

We’re hiring married women in their late 40s as car show models now?

04.25.11 at 1:03 pm

Doctor Chim Richalds

Really? That’s how the law works? Remind me to move to Denmark. “You can be wrong about the verdict, so long as you don’t FEEL wrong about it.”

One thing you learn really early on in law school is that basically all of law is just a way to attach fancy terms and arguments to get the result you already want to arrive at. So yeah, that’s actually pretty accurate.

(I’ve never tried to italicize anything in this system and I really hope it works and doesn’t make me look like an idiot)

04.25.11 at 1:04 pm

Jude

Oh, and fuck this guy sideways for not knowing anything about one of the things he’s constantly going on about. Dark roast coffee has less caffeine than medium roasts. The darker it is, the less fucking caffeine that remains in the beans. So a “dark dark-roast” won’t get you nearly as wired as an equivalent amount of a lighter roast.

Also…”//finds out Cutler included a rape charge, just to be spiteful” was hilarious.

04.25.11 at 1:07 pm

smk73

Another thing is that criminal cases don’t have plaintiffs. Prosecutors? Certainly. Victims? Often. But plaintiffs? No.

More Law & Order reruns for you, dipshit.

04.25.11 at 1:12 pm

Miusheri

I’m going to tell you how I think Hurney will be feeling

So at this point, PK is just as useless as Counselor Troi.

04.25.11 at 1:12 pm

StuScottBooyahs

It’ll be interesting to see if there’s the typical draft fever Thursday night at Radio City. Will Roger Goodell get booed?

Something tells me that that date on Goodell’s calendar has “flu” written on it.

04.25.11 at 1:13 pm

Jen P

My feelings on the upcoming draft are somewhere between Revolt and Nutmeg.

04.25.11 at 1:18 pm

Cheech Wizard

And Belichick nailed three car show models last week! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!!

It means Brady’s throwing back, again.
/dick joke

04.25.11 at 1:22 pm

Drizztdj

How long until Peter King’s column de-evolves into something you’d find in the comments section at Fark?

04.25.11 at 1:24 pm

BigJimSlade

“I got up and dry-erase-boarded the charges from the judge about what we had to feel surely was proven in court to get guilty verdicts.”

I’ve read this line six times, and it still hurts my brain… can someone teach this numbnut how to form a proper sentence?

04.25.11 at 1:27 pm

Fudgenuckles

//finds out Cutler included a rape charge, just to be spiteful
Classic

04.25.11 at 1:28 pm

StangBang

PK: The case had very little hard evidence. Lots of escalating tempers, hatred, blame and confusion.

DM: Just like my column!

Nice.

04.25.11 at 1:29 pm

AnthonyTX

While I love the red-headed quarterback jokes, I gotta say the “this guy can’t be good because he has red hair!” argument is beyond retarded.
What percentage of Americans have red hair? 1-2% (according to the only site I cared to check)? And how many really good quarterbacks were in the league last year? 10? 12? The odds that a quarterback in the NFL would even have red hair, much less be good and have red hair, are staggering.
It’s not a matter of gingers having no souls; it’s a matter of there simply not being enough gingers to make a difference.
Also: PK is the worst famous writer on the planet.

04.25.11 at 1:30 pm

Chest Rockwell

I’m starting a Grudencore band called THESE GUYS

04.25.11 at 1:31 pm

AnthonyTX

PK did get one thing right, though: Lone Star is a good beer.

Okay, not “good” good or even high quality. But if you’re going to drink a shitty piss beer on par with the majors (like Budweiser and Coors), you may as well get Lone Star. It costs the same and tastes waaaaay better.

What the fuck is that? Please help me I think I’ve had a brain aneurysm.

The regular season schedule formula is not that fucking difficult to decipher. Maybe.

04.25.11 at 1:37 pm

Spanky Datass

Jesus Spanky, cut and paste fail more please.

04.25.11 at 1:39 pm

Milledgeville, GA

So at this point, PK is just as useless as Counselor Troi.

Wow. I did NOT expect to see a Star Trek: The Next Generation reference today.

04.25.11 at 1:41 pm

Tim

I can’t believe he didn’t mention what the jury had for lunch and/or complain about it!

“What?! No Kit Kats?!”

04.25.11 at 1:44 pm

DancingBaptist

He gets paid to write that crap. In other news, PK is not alone in his literary idiocy;

From ESPN – John Clayton:

The Panthers are leaning toward taking Cam Newton with the first pick. They don’t have to rush him onto the field because Jimmy Clausen can handle the job this season.

From ESPN – Calvin Watkins:

The Cowboys allowed 31 sacks last season, three fewer than in 2009. Doug Free was ranked fourth among NFL tackles, according to Pro Football Focus, which uses statistical analysis for the various positions. Leonard Davis was ranked higher than Kyle Kosier among guards last season, and center Andre Gurode was the highest-ranked player at his position in the NFC.

A: I would say of all their needs, getting an offensive lineman is most important

********************

The Cowboys got TORCHED last year in the secondary. Newman and Mike Jenkins should be nicknamed “toast ” they were burnt so often.

Unreal the crap that passes for sports writing these days. Oh and who else is wondering how many times PK told his fellow jurors he was a writer and on the HoF selection committee?

04.25.11 at 1:45 pm

danzibarbarian

OH! I know what “it” is! IT goes 200 pmh and gets 300 miles to the gallon!

04.25.11 at 1:46 pm

porky1

Can someone get PK to switch from coffee to tea? I get the feeling he’d instantly wink out of existence and leave a very useful Improbability Drive in his place.

04.25.11 at 1:51 pm

make it snow

It must have been very frustrating for Peter, being unable to tell trial lawyers how to do their job.

04.25.11 at 1:51 pm

therick711

Did no one else find it hilarious that he lost out on being the foreman (you know he wanted it) to a 19 year old college student. That’s pretty pathetic. Then he took charge of the room like he was the foreman. What the hell.

04.25.11 at 1:53 pm

Spanky Datass

porky1’s komment is the bees knees, hell it’s the wasp’s nipples.

04.25.11 at 1:56 pm

Mike Cox opens a HUGE hole

Excitrodangerfear is my new FF name.

Thanks, Drew!

04.25.11 at 1:57 pm

Johnny Ryde

The Browns would like to thank 280 Park Avenue, sort of.

The Thanksgiving night Niners-Ravens game in Baltimore will be fun for the family too. Or torture.

At this point, I’d like to agree with the commenter a week or two back who claimed that Peter King was trolling us.

I mean, read those two quotes. That’s a parody of a parody of Peter King. He can’t be serious…

04.25.11 at 2:00 pm

Johnny Ryde

Can someone get PK to switch from coffee to tea? I get the feeling he’d instantly wink out of existence and leave a very useful Improbability Drive in his place.

Nice work, Slartibartfast.

Also, did PK actually use “dry-erase-board” as a verb? Seriously, WTF?!

04.25.11 at 2:08 pm

Stuart Scott's Left Eye

At least Cam uses numbers. Kevin Gilbride had to name his plays after Eli’s favorite Nabisco products. I know that Chips Ahoy is have Jacobs bounce it outside for some inexplicable reason and Double Stuf is throw an interception.

04.25.11 at 2:11 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Don’t trust what Panther’s Offensive Coördinator Rob C.H.U.D.ZINSKI says- He’s a clearly a Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, but the Polish version, which is way worse.

Though we should expect as much from a man who uses the term “Coffeenerdess” so freely.

04.25.11 at 2:17 pm

Rev Dr E Buzz

I know one thing, I’m going to do some dry-erase-blackboard-ish rejiggering of my nuggets, maybe, not sure.

04.25.11 at 2:21 pm

Doug In KC

[ open in a dark, French setting ]

Narrator: She was like the air. Brittle and easily broken.

[ shows title: COMPULSION, as dramatic music starts ]

How could one so perfect, be so flawed?

Man: Dearest..

Woman: Not now. I’m busy. [ is seen scrubbing the stairs ]

Narrator: She was an incondescant angel, dancing on the edge of a ritual that was both innocent and jejune.

Man: Yes. She was.

Narrator: [ annoyed at man ] Her translucent figure, glowing in the light and fire of her overwhelming passion.

[ Woman picks up a chess piece and wipes under it, then looks at the sponge and sees the dirt it picked up ]

Woman: Save me…. [ Man pulls her toward him ]

Man: Why?

Narrator: I wonder what was the greater transgression. Loving her, or abiding her immaculate madness.

[ a wine glass is knocked over, as Woman tries to clean up the mess ]

Model: A little club soda will get that out.

Woman: Liar!

Narrator: She was consumed. Obsessed. Never able to enjoy her own party.

Man: I alone felt her torment. Her deepest secrets known only to me.

[ Narrator slaps Man in the face ]

Woman: If keeping a clean house is a crime, then let me be guilty!

Model: Guilty! [ another model gasps ]

Narrator: A horrifying creature. What was it we could not give her, or she understand? [ everyone is dancing, while woman tries to vacuum after them ]

[ setting is now black and white and shows Woman behind bottle of Compulsion ] Woman: Somewhere between cleanliness and godliness lies Compulsion, the world’s most indulgent disinfectant. From Calvin Kleen.

Announcer: Ah, the price of it.

04.25.11 at 2:22 pm

The Harvin Headache

I really want to know which coach hates Gingers. Time for a new Rooney rule!

04.25.11 at 2:24 pm

San Erino

Drew, your great job of blasting this clown can’t make up for the gilded shit PK extrudes. I have to start reading Fun With PK in installments throughout the week. All at once is recipe for a migraine.

Weird jury system they’ve got in Yankeeland. PK only gets called three times in decades of living in Jersey, then Boston puts a full-time student on a jury. Meanwhile, I’ve been called twice in the last three years, within a decade of ceasing to be a full-time student.

“An abiding conviction to a moral certainty?” That doesn’t sound like “beyond a reasonable doubt” to me. Is this touchy-feely judge as ignorant of his field as PK is of his?

Could PK have waffled any more this week? ONLY ZOMBIE JESUS KNOWS.

04.25.11 at 2:34 pm

Steve Holt!

+1 SSLE

04.25.11 at 2:34 pm

lugnutz

Peter is wondering with Gruden is going to blitz HIS ass…

04.25.11 at 2:37 pm

TheKingsTakenBackTheThrone

PK is trolling at this point. There’s no other possible explanation. Maybe.

There was obviously none of that shitty courthouse coffee in that jury room. Otherwise: MISTRIAL!!!

/judge mumbles: “20 years of practicing law for this??!!??”

04.25.11 at 2:54 pm

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

I compiled all the “maybes” “mights” and equivocating “mays” from this week’s MMQB column.

maybe: 6
might: 6
may: 3

(I opted not to count the “thinks” or “coulds” because that’s hardly fair, given the recognition by Peter of his ridiculous equivocation. He named a weekly section “Ten Things I Think I Think;” you have to figure he knows he’s not really dropping knowledge on anyone there.)

Also,

If Gruden is so good with young quarterbacks, why didn’t he ever develop a great one himself?

Because he is NOT good with young quarterbacks.

That’s golden.

04.25.11 at 3:00 pm

Thornus

BU students must not be that intelligent. It’s pretty much a universal rule you can get out of jury duty if you’re a student.

04.25.11 at 3:07 pm

Spanky Datass

MMQB and FWPK: Gang banging office productivity weekly since 2008!

04.25.11 at 3:10 pm

Stuart Scott's Left Eye

@Thornus

That is not true at all. I was selected for jury duty and had to go even though I am a college student and made doubly sure to tell them that since it could have potentially interfered with my study abroad trip to Japan. The court didn’t give a shit.

04.25.11 at 3:12 pm

LaRussa's Good Eye

Anyone else think that PK is on to the boys ripping him. Don’t get me wrong, I love every column Big Daddy and the boys write. But this week it seems PK is intentionally adding possiblys and maybes all over his column.

Believe me, I’m not sticking up for PK. I hate his waffling back and forth on topics and whoever decided to give a tasty shit nugget this week. Just seems odd this week.

04.25.11 at 3:18 pm

Rudeboy

and the puke tastes better than the Lone Star

04.25.11 at 3:27 pm

Fred Smoot's Jockstrap

@Spanky ALSO: Enabling scholarly procrastination since 2008.

Lastly: consider this diamond in the rough from a column entitled “Monday Morning Quarterback:”

m. Holy cow! That Blackhawks-Canucks series is amazing. A penalty shot for Chicago to tie it in the third? And an overtime goal to send the series to game seven? After Vancouver led the series 3-0? Nothing like the NHL playoffs.

04.25.11 at 3:33 pm

Spanky Datass

I guess the “Lone Starr/Barf” joke didn’t cross the minds of the current crop of wanna-be beer snobs. Prince Valium would weep, if he weren’t asleep.

/combs desert

04.25.11 at 3:34 pm

Undercover Soul Brother

Started to cry w/ laughter at “BACK TO THE DEPOSITORY.”

04.25.11 at 3:41 pm

Chad Henne Checkdown Clinic

Peterkin means ‘pretentious gasbag’ in German.

Also…

DRAFT IS COMING DRAFT IS COMING DRAFT IS COMING DRAFT IS COMING DO YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT THE DRAFT IS ALMOST HERE

04.25.11 at 3:50 pm

Gino Tourettsa

“We ain’t found shit!”

04.25.11 at 4:05 pm

Gino Tourettsa

And while we are at it (OK me and Spanky)…”Dink! Dink! Dink, dink dink dink dink, dink….”

May the Schwartz be with you.

04.25.11 at 4:06 pm

Teddy2Toes

Someone should tell PK that the darker the roast, the less caffeine a coffee has.

04.25.11 at 4:16 pm

PK's poopsie

“…most of the people that are commenting on it don’t know anything about what they are talking about.”
— Green Bay GM Ted Thompson, who has a right to say what he wants about the Mayock/Kiper/McShay set”

Riiight. Thompson wasn’t talking about PK. Not at all.

04.25.11 at 4:17 pm

PK's poopsie

@Teddy2Toes

…and someone needs to read prior comments before writing his or her own.

04.25.11 at 4:29 pm

Rev Dr E Buzz

“But this week it seems PK is intentionally adding possiblys and maybes all over his column.”

Someone as completely shrink wrapped into a magnetic self-absorption wouldn’t ever notice that people were criticizing him.

Never assume a bitchy pushy douchenozzle from North Jersey would be different-ish, maybe.

Gruden is the anti-King. He is absolutely sure of himself, to a point where he can’t see that he destroyed Cam Newton…unless he was put up to it, which I tihnk happened.

He went out of his way to make that guy look stupid. “Naw, really, just a number? Seriously? wow, that’s special, it must have been a special offense you ran there.” hilarious!

04.25.11 at 4:31 pm

Cheech Wizard

@ PK’s poopsie says: & @Teddy2Toes

seriously?names like that and starting a flame war?
/have at it
//dick joke

04.25.11 at 4:40 pm

Snate Snaettersson

@BigJimSlade Me, too. It’s like something from GoogleTranslate. I think I need to lie down…maybe.

04.25.11 at 4:40 pm

Gern

You know how you can tell Gruden is great in those film sessions with all the different QB’s? Because ESPN tells you he is.

04.25.11 at 4:46 pm

alex

wow thank god i found this.
this is the support group ive been looking for, for all those bored days in class that i’ve just happen to look at mmqb. maybe, i think.

04.25.11 at 4:59 pm

Rev Dr E Buzz

I think Cam would do kinda well-ish if he were put in a Battle of Wits against Beetlejuice from the old Howard Stern show.

COACH: “What’s an Auburn play sound like?”

CAM: “Not sure coach, you’re putting me on the spot there.”

BEET: “Me? 24, I got a big arm like 24 hours.”

COACH: “Damn Beetljueice, that’s one helluva answer, and impressive, you got what I call the Eye of the Tiger, just that special something. That’s awesome.”

04.25.11 at 5:17 pm

shootme

Just an aside… that Gruden camp was awesome last year. This year, it’s blatantly obvious that he’s trying to lob softballs over the plate for these guys. “Draw up your favorite play and tell me what you’re looking at.” Really? The play a QB likes the most? Way to grill him on the intricacies, asshole…

04.25.11 at 6:00 pm

Excitrodangerfear!

I’ve been in the market for a new handle for a while. Thanks, Drew.

04.25.11 at 6:04 pm

DancingBaptist

Judge rules in favor of the players. Goddell’s comment?

“I recognize people try to get leverage in negotiations, but at the end of the day it’s going to come down to the negotiations,” Goodell said. “The sooner we get to that negotiation, the better. I think the litigation has delayed those negotiations.”

TRANSLATION: ” I’d put a Fatwah on that skank’s ass if I knew what one was. Court or no court, we are getting our pound of flesh (further translated as ” $ “) from those ungrateful sob’s.”

04.25.11 at 7:09 pm

Deux Deux Deux

Name me five jurors better than Henry Fonda or, at least, Martin Balsam. You can’t.

04.25.11 at 7:28 pm

Thornus

12 Angry Men is a good movie. Too bad what Fonda’s character did in that what with his own investigation and switchblade was totally illegal and should have led to a mistrial. And all of the conjecture about eyesight and glasses dimples on noses by the jury was not reasonable doubt.

Really, I see it less as a film of a jury doing its job and more as a film of showing the need for competent defense counsel.

04.25.11 at 7:31 pm

CrankyBastard

Grudencore….that’s how I shall, from this day forth, live my life to its fullest.

Everyone politely applauds as I walk out of the dojo after beating team Cobra while nursing my bum leg.

04.25.11 at 7:57 pm

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

I’m going to go to the Metal Fest coming round next month, it’s gonna be great. This year they ain’t gonna have none of those pussy Heavy Metal or Speed Metal bands. Even the Norwegian Black Metal bands are too weak to get invited. Shit’s gonna be straight Grudencore. The mosh pit is gonna be sick!

04.25.11 at 7:58 pm

Spanky Datass

“Funny, she doesn’t look Druish.”

/thought the Hitchikers quotes would get more play
//voon

04.25.11 at 8:10 pm

Spanky Datass

Oh, and I am drinking a Lone Star Light.

/rubs belly

04.25.11 at 8:11 pm

I hate Peter King

“Quote of the Week III

“There’s a lot of interest in the draft. It’s great. But quite frankly, most of the people that are commenting on it don’t know anything about what they are talking about.”

— Green Bay GM Ted Thompson, who has a right to say what he wants about the Mayock/Kiper/McShay set because he just won the Super Bowl. But have a couple of bad drafts, or pick a couple more Justin Harrells and Brian Brohms, and you might hear the geniuses come out of the woodwork on Thompson.”

What Thompson really said:

“There’s a lot of interest in the draft. I think that’s great. Quite frankly, most of the people who are commenting on it don’t know anything about what they’re talking about because I’m supposed to know a lot, and I don’t know all the stuff those guys know.”

Peter King: still fighting Brett Favre’s war against Ted Thompson.

Fuck you, Peter King.

04.25.11 at 8:18 pm

every day is like sunday

Might be the best fun with PK ever.

MIGHT.

04.25.11 at 8:49 pm

fahqueue

INSIDER!

04.25.11 at 9:39 pm

Rev Dr E Buzz

“Well, there’s an outside chance she hit that car, but how do you know, it could happen, but it might not. I’d say fifty percent chance of it happening, let’s get some bullet points going here.”

“King, goddammit, we’ve been locked in this room for three days over a fucking traffic accident you asshole. Shut the hell up.”

“Oh, ok. Come on buddy, that’s not right, and you know it. We’ve got to come to a quasi-decision here. Her driving record hangs in the balance, you might say. Now come on, let’s get back to…oh, hold on…Coach Parcells, hi, how’s it going, yeah, uh huh…uh huh. Sure. I can do that. Let me call ya back.”

04.25.11 at 11:13 pm

Ryan

I can’t believe he wrote about jury duty in his supposed football column on SI.com. Or maybe i can.

His takes and indecisiveness on football are just awful, but this is supposed to be a football column. If you don’t have anything to write about football don’t write at all.

Maybe the only person worse than Peter King is whoever edits this train wreck.

04.25.11 at 11:45 pm

Bill The Cat

Every week, one part of PK’s column really stands out and convinces me anew that his work is posted without edits or review. This week: “Or whatever.”

Peter loves uncertainty, he thrives on it, because he can never be called on anything.

He’s not trolling, it’s who he is. IT IS WHO HE IS!

HE IS WHO WE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS, POSSIBLY, FIFTY PERCENT GIVE OR TAKE!

YOU PLAY TO MAYBE WIN THE GAME-ISH.

04.26.11 at 12:50 pm

justadude

King is a hack

04.27.11 at 12:34 pm

xunrou

welcome to our website (Lttsy)
c o m..The new update, a large hot ..
WE ACCEPT PYAPAL PAYMENT.
YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!

04.30.11 at 8:51 am

JeruX

First, I can’t believe the other 11 “angry men” didn’t rise up as one and slay Pk the second he began his white board musings. Can you imagine having to read his writing and deal with his ego in person? Fragments and run ons for everyone!
Second, more teams run west coast style offenses than ever before. Guys like Vick and Cutlerfucker, Rapistberger and Rodgers throw it “40 yards down field” 4 or 5 a game. Out of say 25 passes per game that’s about one fifth of pass plays go deep. Granted the NFL isn’t Arena, but when scouts and coaches talk about making all the throws to play at that level what do you think they mean?
Fifthly, (third sir) Third , thank you patsy, Cam Newton is stupid. Grueden didn’t have to work hard to make him look that way.
Fourth, a red head put in charge of something is a bad thing? I’m guessing the Gingercommish sees things a little differently.
PK you are a syphilitic sore on the NFL rape penises of the world.