The Heart of the Story

I will be honest, yes, I am a person that loves God, loves church, the Church (church is an activity, "the Church" are the people who have a personal relationship with God), grew up in a pastor's family and loved it, love worshipping through singing and piano, etc. But, I do not in any way have it "all together," nor will I pretend like I do. I have made mistakes, and will be living with those consequences for the rest of my life, but I know that God has the ability to take the grit in my life and form it into a pearl like a clam does with irritants. I am forgiven by God, and know that I have to forgive myself as well, which was the hardest obstacle for me to overcome.

I was born in the Philippines and adopted by an amazing couple God picked out for me. Their former pastors became missionaries to my country; I was then handed over to them by my birth family who wanted a better life for me. It took my parents fourteen months of waiting to finally have me join them in their home! The whole story is a miracle of how it all became possible, but God was in it. Therefore, it went from impossible, to possible, to reality. I then grew up in Oregon, but at the end of my fifth grade year in school we moved to Minnesota. I grew up as a pastor's kid, and I still am, just older now with an adorable child of my own. I have always loved ministry, and the people I have come to know involved in it. I went to Trinity Bible College in North Dakota, and I was active in various events and projects. This included student government, a traveling music team, music, worship team, several classes, etc. I loved being busy and wanted to make a difference in lives. When I became a college sophomore, the fall season of first semester, I met a guy, compromised my standards, and in a year, started down a tumultuous path of being away from who I was and what was right. I kept thinking as long as I tried to do the right thing, and was finally married, everything would get back on track and we'd be okay. Little did I know, I would still be caught in a life of different forms of abuse, lies, manipulation, and a husband's unfaithfulness in the heart and mind.

I wrongly thought the abuse during our engagement would stop, since he never had a history of it, and had never done anything like it during our first year of knowing each other. It didn't. I wanted our life back on track, and I voiced becoming abstinent again until we were married. It was then that I was raped by him, and found out not long afterward I had become pregnant. At one point, he started stating promises and change; he said he was excited to be a father and he was going to be better for all of us.

Once I had my precious son, AJ, it only got worse, and I knew I had to protect him. It was a rollercoaster ride of hope and realization that it was not going to work. After a year of marriage, I realized it was getting too dangerous for my son and me. I called my dad over to tell him everything while my husband was at work. It turned out that my mom had always suspected I was being hurt, she just didn't know to what extent. Before I was married, she had nightmares and would wake up at night. Once I was married, she couldn't figure out why she still had bad dreams and an unsettled feeling. We are now safe and once again under a roof of blessing. God led many people to pray for me, even those who hardly knew there was so much tension. He was there all along, guiding me, protecting me, and now more than ever I feel the love He's always had for me. ~ RewindIn short, the other side of my story, only some have known. I did not just get pregnant. I also became pregnant with Adriel when I was dangerously suicidal. I even held a knife to my chest; if I didn't want to go that way, I was contemplating buying pills...sleeping and never waking up. I was in such torment; I was content enough to go on the hope of knowing "the unpardonable sin," which was not suicide, would be the only thing keeping me out of Heaven, which is completely denying God. I have never denied God; but I was ready to give up on life because I had lost so much that I had gained by the age of twenty. By "gain" I mean that I had not just been involved in various events, but I had connected with so many people of all levels, ages, and credentials, that I felt I could never get back to what God blessed me with. I felt I had let down so many relationships. I was close with not just our state's church superintendents, but another state's, as well as my college's president and his wife, just to list a few. I had also been a part to many young girls' lives as their kids camp counselor for three years in a row and church, as well as established relationships in our town's community outside of the church. In my mind, I had just let too many down. The shame and the guilt was too great for me to bear; I loved all these people so much, and I 'dropped the ball.' I remember thinking, "I've ruined everything, my parents are in spiritual turmoil over my relationship, no one is on the same page as I think it could be; I can't fix it...so I'll end it." I had already had a few emotional breakdowns, two of which I almost blacked out from because I was so stressed, I was hyperventilating, and I couldn't catch my breath. Yes, I made mistakes, but no matter how great they seem, they are the devil's lies that say there is no return to where a person fell from, after where they fell to. John 10:10 (NKJV) says, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." It's true! And Joel 2:25 (NKJV) says, "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten [...]." I want to state the promise of God and His restoration. Though I felt one way (about losing so much to no return), it was not the truth. There was a huge, spiritual war taking place. It wasn't until I was about to make my fatal decision, that I found out I was pregnant. I honestly should have been pregnant five months earlier; I had my whole rhythm method flipped for that long. Why did I never take birth control? I never took it because I felt it would be a way to side-step my responsibility of getting back on the right road; that it would have been a way to "get away with it and no consequence." Whether or not I ever got pregnant, there were still consequences to my actions, big ones, and getting pregnant is Not the consequence; it's an additional responsibility with blessing and love attached. Movies and society may make it seem that as long as a person does not get pregnant, they are "home-free" "no problems, no pain, no consequence." That is a big...fat...lie.

To shorten the even longer story, Adriel saved my life. Though some would say I am busier today because of him, I say I am privileged to be able to pour into his life and call him my son. Yes, a privilege! His existence is the best thing that ever happened. More work, does not mean less of a life. Me wanting him, or not wanting him, does not lessen the value he ever held the day life of him began within my womb. I am better today in so many different ways because I chose to keep him, and cherish him. To name a few, I have made healthier decisions (mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally), I have matured, I have moved on with a new outlook, I have structured myself, etc. A lot of my family is involved in ministry. My dad has been a senior pastor for over thirty years, my mother a non-credentialed children's pastor (she might as well have been; she's one of the best with just as many years of experience) my brother, Marcus, is a youth pastor with amazing stories of his own. My uncle had repeatedly served on the board as deacon at Emmanuel Christian Center, my aunt sang in the choir, one of their daughters is a children's pastor there, and her husband is the Associate Children's Pastor and Men's Ministry Pastor. Every one of my relatives serves out of a passion and a calling, not a title-ship. For a while, I believed the lies that I was less of a person because of my mistakes and the pit I was in, but I could have been free once I let go of the hold sin's consequence had on my life. I was too afraid to call for help, and bent on thinking fixing it myself was the only way. Was I beaten with fear which was put into me for submission? Yes. Did I really feel like I couldn't get out of the relationship? Yes. Was I too ashamed to come forth with everything? Yes. But, all those reasons did not change the fact that my family, and my Church family, were always there for me; they would have loved, accepted, and helped me all the same. Truth was, God was always able to restore my life with the ability to bless it beyond what it once was. However, what I went through really opened my eyes to what others go through, and why some of their decisions don't make sense. I used to wonder how in the world women chose to stay with abusive men, and even though it's still crazy, I do understand. I pray they realize their life is meant for so much more than to be abused and in danger of being killed. For those who are married, "To death do us part" does not mean at the hand of the husband.

I have chosen to take what I've been through as a means to describe and exemplify God's grace. Though I felt so alone and lost at times, I look back and see God there, fighting for me, preserving me, and calling prayer warriors and family to pray. In some ways, I knew it. My mom, or others would make comments that showed concern or suspicion, but I took it as just needing to "make the relationship better." The poem, "Footprints" is a true description of God during those dark times. I have always wanted to make impacting differences in lives around for as long as I can remember. I still have that passion and vision and will do my best to keep the Legacy alive! - Robyn