A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, who was taking another order at a table a few steps away suddenly stopped as she noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair under the table and out of sight under the tablecloth with the man just staring straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners went over to the table and tactfully began by saying to the man "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog **** just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over, he gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar, he slips in the same pile of ****, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little fella turns to the big guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.__________________________________Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.

Man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint. The barman shuffles away to pour it. Upon returning he hands the man his pint and asks him, 'excuse me, but I really can't help but notice'.
'Notice what?' replies the man. 'Why, that your head is a giant orange. How did that happen?'
'Oh, it's a long story. I don't want to keep you'. 'Well' says the barman, 'the pub's quiet. I'd love to hear it'. Reluctantly the man agrees and commences with his story.

'It happened a couple of years ago. I was out for a stroll in the countryside when I became aware of a high-pitched voice shouting 'HELP! HELP!' Upon investigating I discovered a disused well with a leprechaun at the bottom. The leprechaun promised me three wishes if I would help him out of his predicament, so I ran back to my house and fetched some rope which I used to haul him out'.

By this time the barman is extremely curious and unable to avert his gaze from the man's giant orange head. 'What the hell did you wish for?!'

'For my first wish I wished that I always had a million pounds, no matter how much I spent'. 'And?' asks the barman. 'Oh, it's great. I'm loaded and I can afford any luxury I want because any time I spend any money it's immediately replenished'. 'That's amazing. What was your second wish?'

'For my second wish I wished that the most beautiful women in the world would be attracted to me'. 'And?' asks the barman again. 'Unbelievable. I'm surrounded by beauties 24/7. They can't get enough of me'.

'Okay' says the barman, you've got money and attractive women, so what in God's name was your third wish?

'I wished that my head was a giant orange'.__________________________________Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.

An GT6 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the GT6's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"__________________________________<a>http://all4comms.com</a>

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a man standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men. What's your name?'
He replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the sea but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"__________________________________Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Typhoo Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that beds are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!

My friend was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came in and informed him that he now had a son... but he was born without a body... no arms... no legs... just a head! But he loved him best he could and raised him as his only son... well, he was his only son after that... his wife left him... anyway, 21 years later, his son was old enough for his first drink, so he took him to the nearest watering hole and was just bursting with pride and joy... He asked the bartender for two shots of rye... The bartender looked around and only saw the Dad... so the bartender asked him. "Why two drinks...? The proud dad said, "Why, one's for my boy!" Then the bartender sighted the head down at the end of the bar grinnin' at him and he nearly passed out... All the bar patrons looked on curiously, shaking their heads in disbelief... Well, the young lad took his first sip of alcohol. Suddenly... Swoooosh! Kerbang! A torso suddenly popped out from the head! The bar was dead silent; then bursted into a whoop of joy. The father, in shock, cried out, "Tarnation! Give him another shot... and he begged his son to drink again. The patrons start chanting "Take another drink"! The bartender stood in awe. Suddenly... Swoooosh! Kerbang! Two arms popped out...! The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, shouted out, "Tarnation, son, drink agin'!" The bartender quickly poured out another... The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" By now the boy was quite loaded, and with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink up and guzzled it down. Suddenly... Swoooosh! Kerbang! Two legs popped out. The bar was in chaos. "Tarnation!" The father fell to his knees and in tears of joy thanked the Lord, profusely. The boy stood up and began stumbling around on his new legs... reeling first to the left... and then to the right.... and then right out the front door and into the street, where suddenly... Swoosh! Kerbang! A big semi-truck ran over him and killed him dead! The bar fell silent... The father was beside himself in grief... The bartender sighed... and with tears of consternation, he muttered, "Tarnation! That boy should have quit while he was a head!"__________________________________Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.

I was walking along the pavement past some scaffolding the other day when one of the workers dropped a power tool from the top. 'Bosche' hit me straight on my head __________________________________http://www.justgiving.com/team_chaos

Did you know the Flat Earth society has members all around the globe...__________________________________Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when Simon is not directly observed, he may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

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