The Berry Doesn’t Fall Far From the Dingle

Jesse Watters, smirky understudy to former Fox miscreant Bill O’Reilly stepped on his own dick the other day by proffering very ill-timed innuendo about Ivanka Trump’s skill at holding a phallic microphone. Ill-timed because the last thing Fox needs now is another frat-boy scandal. The show known as “The Five” – which is coincidentally what Watters calls his masturbatory hand – went to break after Jesse’s suggestive aside. When they came back Watters explained that his admiration for Ivanka’s talent referred to her jazzy-style voice. Everyone knows that during that fitful break, “The Five” producers and staff were frantically trying to come up with an explanation Jesse could offer on air other than “Ivanka obviously gives good head.”

As of this writing, Watters is on “vacation” from the show he just started appearing on – a suspicious turn of events that is reminiscent of O’Reilly’s sudden hiatus that preceded his ouster. Watters, who performed juvenile segments as part of “The O’Reilly Factor” was seen as a kind of O’Reilly protégé which explains his remark about Ivanka’s talent for fellatio. (Sidebar: it’s questionable as to whether milquetoast mannequin Jared Kushner would be able to convincingly confirm his wife’s oral prowess.)

At the rate Fox is burning through its male “talent” we may soon see an entirely reconfigured prime-time line-up anchored by “The All New Penguin Factor.”

Before joining “The Five,” Jesse Watters had a bit segment called “Watters’ World.” (Nothing like taking inspiration from one of the biggest Hollywood disasters of all time.)

Watter’s shtick was to go out on the sidewalks of New York and ambush clueless passers-by to ask them simple or provocative questions. The goal: to prove that most people (read: Obama/Clinton voters) are too moronic to be taken seriously in modern America. This attempt at partisan humor was a standard of radio asshole Sean Hannity who would send his crew out to lob such inquiries as “who is the vice-president?” or “which came first, World War One or World War Two?” Invariably, Hannity’s people would stumble upon a drunk or a challenged individual who would fail the test to everyone’s delight.

Watters copied Hannity’s gig like a shameless Chinese DVD factory. No doubt his interviews were heavily edited to make sure only the stupidest of respondents made the cut. I can only imagine how many takes were discarded in which an irritated New Yorker replied to Jesse with a dismissive “go fuck yourself.”

I always hated this type of bullshit because the likes of Hannity, O’Reilly and Watters would rather use the material more to demonstrate their arrogant superiority than to make an attempt at intelligent humor. I would love to see a crew barge unannounced into Fox studios and pose some of the following questions to the illustrious talking heads.

Could they answer them? Can you?

1. “What’s the GDP of The United States?”

2. “What state has the highest percent of its population on Medicaid?”

3. “How many aircraft carriers does the U.S. have in active duty? How about Russia and China?”

4. “Who was the first president to submit a budget with a deficit greater than $1 trillion?”

5. “Which came first, the Dred Scott decision or John Brown’s raid on Harper’s Ferry?”

6. “Which country gets the most US economic and military assistance?”

7. “What does the Third Amendment prohibit?”

8. “Who is the President of the Senate? Who is the President pro tempore of the Senate?

9. “Does Ivanka Trump really know how to operate a jackhammer?”

1. $18 trillion
2. New Mexico – 33%
3. 10 -1 -1
4. George W. Bush
5. Dred Scott – 1857
6. Afghanistan
7. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law
8. Mike Pence / Orrin Hatch
9. She’s a great jazz singer