Oh God

I feel like crying and I think I may be having a bit of a panic attack. I’m upset and it’s hard to breath and tight in my chest due to an emotion, not physical issue. Yes, I think this is an official panic attack though it’s in a different flavor than I’m used to.

Yesterday Chael and I worked during the evening on the divorce paperwork the lawyer’s office emailed me. I did most of it, but had to keep asking him details on it. When he got home last night from work I asked him if he could stay home today and work with me on making all the calls to places we had to get account details on and other stuff that I couldn’t do myself as they are some in only his name.

Today at 4pm I see the lawyer to turn it in and ask some questions and put down my retainer.

Those have been yesterday and will be today and I’m having a hard time breathing.

Last night before he went to bed Chael stood in the livingroom while I was sitting there and did his little happy-dance he does randomly at times when he’s in a good mood.

I wasn’t hurt by it, at this point only memories really hurt, but I did point out to him that he was acting just fine when he’s also professing to love me so much and be so upset I’m divorcing him and doesn’t want to lose me and such. He agreed he was.

I just want to cry I’m so stressed and 15 years of marriage, 16 years of what I thought was love is ended. He gets caught in about a lie or more a day, it just depends on how often and much we happen to speak that day. Unbelievable what this has all meant, what that mega-lie I found out is and how it all ties together.

I can’t stand for him to touch me. When he hands me something and our fingers touch or his arm brushes me or something it repulses me. Literally, my stomach clenches and I just feel a sense of revulsion and bitterness and my body tries to get away before I even think about it really.

I’m keeping it together for the most part, as mentioned before. I crack now and then for a bit – like just a minute ago I had to take a break to bawl for a few moments – but I’m trying to keep things amiable and it’s just not in my nature to go into a raving-bitch-mode.

I’m treating this divorce largely as a job to be done, a problem to solve.

After feeling kind of bad for listing Jonesy as having no worth on our splitting-property-questionnaire (not because I was unhappy that my cat isn’t money valuable, but because it just felt so rude) I did some googling to find out if he had any money value as Snowshoes actually are rather desirable to an extent, but as I said before Jonesy is Definitely Not Show Quality. He’s beautiful and has all the typical traits except he his color pattern is considered of less value than other patterns better quality Snowshoes have. Plus, he’s 15 frickin’ years old. But I figured what the hell, it’s free to search the internet… holy crap. If he were a kitten or show quality he’d be worth anything from a lot of a whole fucking lot, but as he’s 15 and not at anywhere near show quality he’s still of no monetary value.

But I so love him, so it felt bad putting that on a form.

The short crying session has eased up the panic attack. It’s now down to more manageable levels, not gone but I feel better than I did. Turned out I just needed to do some releasing of garbage.

I could kick Chael in the face right now.

I won’t. But at the moment the idea sounds so good.

He should be home soon from doing his PT duties. He doesn’t actually have PT this morning but instead had to help out the detail doing road-guard for it as the First Sergeant didn’t have a truck and they didn’t know if the detail minions did at all so Chael agreed to use his truck with them (they need to put out barriers and stuff and then take them back in afterwards).

I’m gonna call Dr. Roger’s as soon as I think VA Mental Health will be open. This is gonna be one rough day if this start has shown anything. Woke up at about 4:15 and couldn’t go back to sleep, have been eating terrible terrible food for me, panic attack, and that’s all before 8am.

But yeah. Chael’s lies. Chael’s constant lying. Still lying.

He’s been lying to me since before we got married. To get me to marry him.

Again, it’s some consolation that it’s not a case of us just having some phenomenonally fucked up relationship. At least it’s not just a case of me, but with everyone all the time.

(about 30 or so minutes passes)

Talked to the really good therapist on the phone at the VA that I’ve seen in the past. It turns out my appointment with him isn’t next Friday but is instead Monday morning, so yay.

Time to start on the rest of the division of property paperwork that needs done today.