Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Patterns

I've been seeing a new counselor the past few months and she is rocking my socks.

One of the issues I've been working on is identifying how I get stuck in a particular rut of thinking and how that affects my mood.

I've already learned how I cast people into particular roles in relationships: I worry/assume they are thinking something unwelcome or unkind about me, I get annoyed or mad at them for that, and then I respond in kind.

I realized today that I do a thing with my feelings: I experience a feeling that is unwelcome or undesired; I tell myself that I should not be feeling that way because I have a wonderful life and should be grateful; then because I am feeling unworthy of this wonderful life I then decide that I must do something of value or something of service to others to show how grateful I am for this wonderful life that God has given me.

So, instead, what I am going to try to do is allow myself to sit with my feelings and to feel them.

It's ironic because one of the things I'm famous for saying to friends is that feelings are valid - they aren't always reasonable or rational, but a feeling is never wrong.

I'd like to get into a pattern of being gentler with myself - I opted out of the mommy wars and the mommy rat race long ago. This next step is to still try to do my very best, but to also be gentle with myself when I don't achieve my own standards.