Posts Tagged ‘mental health’

As an update to my previous post, I can officially say I notice a difference with taking Adderall. More specifically, I notice a difference when I don’t take it. My regimen so far has been take it two days, go a day without. And that day without is drastic. It just seems like everything is more intense. Ironic that this little pill that is essentially 20mg of speed makes everything more mellow for me.

I have noticed more dizzy spells but I believe a lot of that is attributed to my lack of appetite. I make sure to eat a couple times a day even if I’m not hungry but I have not been my normal grazing self over the last few days. But being on lithium increases my appetite so I’m hoping that it will level out.

I knew I had a lot of problems but in my nearly 25 years of experience, I never suspected that could be one of them.

But then, I believed you had to be a ten year old boy who climbed everything like a monkey in order to be qualified for it. And even then, that’s what a lot of people would just characterize as “high spirited.”

I remember the diorama I never finished in third grade, the robot I never finished in fourth grade, the report on Walt Disney I turned in with an 18 point font to meet the page requirement in fifth grade. Yes, some of it was a lack of interest on my part although looking back, I can’t imagine why. Today I would consider those really neat projects. But I felt a mixture of apathy, disdain and pure frustration as early as eight years old.

I am not a stupid person. I’m not particularly intellectual and I could stand to brush up on my current events. But I am clever, quick witted, creative and can make a damn good pierogi. I coasted through school and graduated by just showing up. I scored a 27 on my ACT without studying. If I had ever put effort into academics growing up, I’d be in a different place today.

But growing up, I was a very lazy person. I got bored easily and motivation came and went as it pleased. If I didn’t see a reason to do something, I wouldn’t do it. My mantra was, “Whats the point?”

It was only two months ago when my therapist suggested I look into ADHD. I thought she was way off base. I never knew that it wasn’t merely about physical hyperactivity but hyperactivity of the mind. And now that I’ve been looking into it, it actually makes sense to me.

Focusing on one thing at a time is nearly impossible. Unless it’s something that completely captures my attention I will not be able to concentrate on any one thing. I was obsessed with hockey in my teens to the point where it annoyed people around me. But it was one of a handful of things that kept me going day after day, week after week, month after month. I followed an entire 82 game season plus playoffs and was content to watch other teams play if my Red Wings were off that night. I’m not as immersed in it anymore but watching a hockey game still gives me a sense of relaxation. For three periods, all is right in the world.

What gets me in trouble is following through with things. Anything. I’ve gained a reputation as a flake because I can’t finish what I start. I take on a seemingly innocuous amount of projects and it quickly becomes so overwhelming I feel mentally paralyzed. Getting out of bed becomes a challenge. Answering a phone call is just as stressful as a final exam. It doesn’t change my desire to accomplish things. My goals haven’t vanished and my priorites are not the issue. It’s a matter of actually finding a way to put one foot in front of another so I can make something happen. And recognizing my problems but not knowing how to fix them only makes them worse.

Amazingly, just finding out what is wrong eases the problem significantly and makes the solution less overwhelming. Now that I have more information about what I’m experiencing I will hopefully be better prepared to make things better. (Also, maybe I’ll blog more consistently.)