No!!!! Waaaait… PLEASE COME IN. I yearn to be witnessed. And unconditionally accepted. I want you to be with me. As I am.

I hafta laugh, because what just came through is such a quintessential part of my me-ness. And I would be so bold as to imagine it may be familiar to YOU and your you-ness, too. The part of me who pretends she is indifferent. Like, “I don’t need you. I’m cool. Whatever. Stay or go… it’s up to you…” But really, inside, I’m screaming, “DON’T GO!!!!!!! LOVE ME!!!!!! HOLD ME!!!!!”

That’s real. I want to feel connected and accepted. I want to be heard, and I want to make a difference. Just for being so fully, unapologetically ME.

Ahhhh… Now that we’ve got THAT out of the way… I can tell you that I’m at the Momshram. And for those of you who don’t know what that is, allow me to illuminate with a simple, mathematical equation: Mom + ashram = Momshram. My mom lives in a spiritual community, over the river and through the woods.

Pbthhhhhtt!!!! That was the Athena Graceland back-up accompaniment- the distant tremulous croon of a whoopee cushion. Actually, now that I mention it, the orchestra of life is blaring right now! I am sitting at a shaded table on the moist, lush lawn outside Master’s Market. And the surrounding area is littered with children and the myriad voices of lusty birds. If I wasn’t having so many intense feelings, I’d certainly be drunker than thou on springtime!! Ten twenty five am, and even in the shade, I’m perfectly warm. The especially kind voices of spiritually persuaded children warm my heart as a cool breeze whispers compassionate and generous about my bare arms. I am drowning the stereophonic vivacity of all these young whipper-snappers with harp music… It smooths out the jagged edged intensity of their unfiltered expression. Binds the moment into sonic smear of subdued, diverse perfection, that allows me to focus and relax into the invocation of this new-born world within a world that is the world of Athena Graceland… much like eggs bind the ingredients of a cake, such that it RISES UP in sweet, moist perfection when exposed to the alchemy born of intense heat.

I take it back. I’m not having intense feelings anymore. I have finally arrived in the perfect peace of this moment. I wish you were here with me. It is really quite extraordinary. In the most ordinary sense of the word. I often blink awake for a split second and realize just how much time and energy I spend trying to “get somewhere”… somewhere “better”… Namely the version of reality where I am thriving in my full throttle creative expression, living in my own sweet, spacious, light penthouse apartment overlooking lake merritt, on my own terms. The rendition of reality where I am free to be with Ed as we wish, without the consideration of his *other life*. And God… my heart and body long to have a child… (and don’t bother telling me that having a baby is a *huge* responsibility and I will basically be handing my life over to an unrelenting stream of selfless service. I know that. It’s not an intellectual desire. So as much as I try to reason with myself… it doesn’t change the depth of my longing in my heart and body.)

Patience, Athena.

Desire… it’s such a beautiful beast. And a powerful force to become deeply intimate with. She is why we are here. And She can either be a source of raw power, or perpetual discord and disappointment. Do you see what I’m saying? If we allow ourselves to be tossed about by Her like sorry little bitches, we will suffer. But if we can cultivate deep presence and openness, we can know Her in a way that informs and empowers every single moment of this spiritual mind-fuck we call Life.

Desire will never cease. I will not necessarily be any happier when I find myself suddenly living within the sensuous textures and shades of my unborn dreams. No… the peace, the joy, the profound love that I seek at the heart of all my wishes has nothing to do with circumstance or shifting sands. They are a world unto themselves. Eternal and unbroken by the illusions I project upon the vast canvas of time and space.

Wow! Suddenly, I smell the bright, evocative essence of oranges. Sweet, tart, fresh… drifting on the breeze, invisibly pressing into my senses, causing my mouth to flood with juice. How do I open even *more* fully to this quietly sensuous heaven I am currently perched in? That is a question worth living inside of, if you ask me. And ultimately, it all comes down to breath. Inviting the breath to wash tidally, all the way into and through me, to the very bottom of my belly. And softening. Relaxing my jaw, my face, my shoulders, my belly. Receiving this beautiful moment and all of the nuanced textures of nourishment it has to offer. I WANT IT!!!! I want to invite heaven here. By just allowing it.

This is why I meditate. Because I am determined to discover heaven INSIDE me. And not *just* on warm spring days drenched in harp music and orange slices, children at play and birds singing rapturous praises of new life.

Athena Grace LMNOP on meditation: There are is such a daunting plethora of ideologies on the purpose and practice of meditation. But the more I give myself to my daily practice, the more my own motivations, the understanding of the WHY and the HOW dawn within me. Morning meditation has become an essential respite for me. It is the most sacred and essential half an hour of my day, because it is a time when I have officially declared that NOTHING that I think means ANYTHING. That’s huge. Because for the other twenty three and a half hours, I am mostly perpetually tempted to invest my faith this alluring, vivid wash of dualistic hocus pocus. But sitting erect, before my altar, I simply keep returning to breath and praying for Grace to inundate my mind and carry me the rest of the way Home (Home = integrated embodied realization of the Truth that ALL IS LOVE) I used to feel pretty discouraged by the incessant noise in my mind, the thick, sticky veil of maya. But then I heard an angel whisper in my ear that we don’t call it “Amazing Grace” for naught. We do OUR part- showing up, being available. And in the perfection of divinely ordained time, Grace will do HER part and carry us the rest of the way. It is inevitable.