Yes, even when armed with $1.5 million in purchasing power, they still can't find two-bedroom apartments in which to live:

But after a year and a half of aggressively looking, the couple still haven’t been able to make a deal. And that’s after broadening their search from South Williamsburg to nine other neighborhoods in Brooklyn and loosening their purse strings to a maximum of $1.5 million, up from their starting point of $800,000.

“I’m so frustrated,” said Ms. Jepson, noting that most apartments in their price range were either “chintzy,” or in a residential-commercial space that made getting a loan tricky. “I feel like we have great credit, all the financial documents and are willing to pay more, and we still can’t find what we’re looking for.”

When you can't find something you're looking for, there are generally two reasons:

1) What you're looking for doesn't exist;

2) You're not very smart.

Since two-bedroom apartments costing less than $1.5 million do indeed exist--even in post-hipster Brooklyn, and even without "chintz"--then it's probably time to start coming to grips with reason number two. If our gentrifiers have indeed reached this profound level of ineptitude then I really can't see any hope for our civilization.

What She’s Hoping to Get: A bicycle. “Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I always see people riding past, and I love the carefree feeling I always get from them,” she says. “Not to mention it’s a very environmentally friendly way to travel!”

I haven't got the heart to tell her that what she's mistaking for "carefree" is actually periods of inflated smugness punctuated by moments of abject terror as motorists do their best to kill you.

And while I'm on the subject of giving, if you're still looking for holiday gifts I recommend the following in order of how highly I recommend them, the topmost being the most recommended and so forth on down. I hope that makes sense. I guess I could have just said "in descending order" but it's too late now. Fuck it:

1) These:

These are books that I wrote. You can buy them anywhere they sell books, including the Internet, and you can even buy them in some places they don't usually sell books, barring the frozen food section at the local supermarket. I don't care which one you buy. Buy one, buy both, or don't buy any for all I care. Jesus, I'm sorry I even brought it up.

2) Something from our sponsors.

By "ours" I mean "my," and by "sponsors" I mean the people who advertise on this blog. Go ahead, look on the right side of the page, it won't hurt you. One of those business concerns is probably selling something somebody you know would like. If they don't, get some new friends.

3) I don't care what you do beyond that.
Honestly, I really don't care what you do beyond that. Go buy that model a bike for all I care. Just buy my book(s) first.

Speaking of books, just because I wrote some doesn't mean I'm smart. Paris Hilton also wrote a book, so there you go. That's why it seems silly to expect me to use words right, as the person who sent me this email apparently does:

The pudding was named after the town, thus the TOWN is the eponym and not the pudding. It's an eponymous town.Eponymous is one of those words that's maddeningly misused, mostly when referring to Led Zeppelin albums. As an artful wordsmith, I thought you'd like to know. And besides, you're screwing up the Universal Simulation that is the entire point of our eponymous Universe.

This is in regard to last Friday's post, and while I genuinely appreciate the clarification I also can't help feeling both nonplussed and eponymous. Yeah, I went to college or whatever, but the simple truth is that I don't have some kind of fancy education, nor was I even remotely intelligent or motivated enough to make the most of the mediocre one I got. Just to give you a sense of my academic background, the most successful person my college ever graduated was this guy:

So there you go. Again.

Also, in my defense, I did look up "eponymous" in the dictionary before I used it and this is what I found:

By then I was so confused I'm amazed I managed to post anything at all.

Nevertheless, I'll make every effort to be more linguistically accurate in the future.

Eponymously,

--Wildcat Rock Machine

PS: Now onto the rest of the post.

Right. So this past weekend I made the bicycle ride. Specifically I made the mountain bicycle ride, and even more specifically I rode from my home to the traihead almost entirely on dirt paths and in about an hour. (Suck it, Brooklyn.) Anyway, if you've been riding a bike for more than six days you've doubtless heard a gazillion "Thank god I was wearing my helment" stories, but it's not very often that you hear the opposite. Well, here's an "I wish I hadn't been wearing my helment" story for once.

So there I was, riding through the forest and gloating about how I don't live in Brooklyn anymore, when I encountered a rocky section of trails. Here's what the section looks like:

It's actually pretty tricky if: a) You're approaching it from the other direction, which I was; and b) you suck at riding a bike, which I do.

Anyway, the first time through it I "dabbed," and so I made myself ride the section again, and then I "dabbed" again. "Aw, fuck it," I thought. "At least I don't live in Brooklyn anymore. Suckers." Then I clipped back in, continued on my way, and ducked under a low-hanging tree branch, at which point I promptly--not to mention painfully--wedged myself under it with my own head:

I can assure you it hurts when your own helment gets mashed onto your scalp like that, so I then turned around and looked at the eponymous branch with a nonplussed expression on my face:

Now, I always wear a helment when I do the mountain bicycle cycling, yet I totally would have cleared the branch if I had not been wearing a helment, since it's that extra inch of styrofoam what done me in. And here's the resulting dimple:

So yes, since I didn't fall head-first onto those rocks, but I did get wedged under a tree branch, then I do wish I hadn't been wearing a helment. Plus, because it's now got a tiny dimple in it, I'm sure I'm supposed to replace it--which I'm absolutely not going to do, even though its structural integrity is now compromised and I'M TOTALLY GOING TO DIE!

By the way, you're also supposed to replace your helment if it gets exposed to dandruff, styling products, or temperature fluctuations in excess of 5 degrees Fahrenheit [or mumblemumblemumble degrees celsius].

Of course, you might also point out that I'd have cleared the branch if I'd been riding a 650b bicycle instead of a 29er due to the additional clearance afforded by the slightly smaller wheelsize, but combining a helment debate with a wheel size debate can be fatal, and at the very least we'd all have to replace our helments afterwards.

Speaking of helments, did you know that a cardboard bike helmet could revolutionize head?

Oh, wait, sorry. That's not right. Let me try that again:

Damnit, still not right! This SRAM DoubeTap computer mouse is so balky! Why don't they go electronic already?!? OK, one more time, as forwarded to me by a reader:

So how does this revolutionize head safety? It's a protective shell you put on your head. Now if was a suppository that somehow protected your head then that would be revolutionary. Sure, it might be a bit uncomfortable, but at least you wouldn't get helment hair.

Probably that branch was blown down by Sandy, which was caused by climate change, which is caused by the petroleum industry, which was necessary to make that helmet, and from what I heard the whole thing is being run by some goddam butterfly in Brazil flapping (that's flapping) its eponymous wings, so WTF is up with that. I think this simulation is still in beta.

There was a time when I could ride such a trail section cleanly, but I suspect that time is long past.

As for the head knockin', I do that way too often at work; on 6" steam lines; without a helmet. Sucks being 6'2" in a 5'8" world. Maybe that Anirudha Surabhi guy can make an extra-light close-profile protective cap for my situation.

At least in the 80s they had the decency to mark that shit with warnings, like the gaudy "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" logo and the intolerable quacking honk of Robin Leach's PT Barnum routine, so you'd know when to change the channel before witnessing any serious douchèrie. Now they dress it up as news. "Here's what happened today out there in the only world of any importance."

Sorry, I'm delirious from the research and excitment of about-to-be-buying a new mountaining safety bicycle. (The last time I bought a new cycling bike, the internet did not contain 767 reviews of every componenent on every bicycle.)

WRM, I've done the same helment-bash on a tree and had the same thought as you did. However, I regularly fall down while trying to ride anyway, so I will continue my helment use.Cardboard is flammable which you will quickly learn after a motorist flicks his lit butt onto you head and your flaming helment causes serious heat and smoke pollution thereby contributing to global warming and the need for non-plastic helments. the endoh babe.

That rock garden looks tame as fuck, you pussy. You shoulda 'maned-up', drank a redbull, and hit that shit big air style. Nothing get you more girls than sitting at the brewery with some smith optic goggles hanging from your neck while drinking a pint. Shheeiit

why do have to dog out detroit? i think you're too lazy to do your homework and are just jumping on the bash detroit bandwagon. i'd like you to see you come here and try that shit...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUdfLl0zc7A

Snobbo, would you rather have that ding in your helmeant or your head (skull, not the other one)? Will all the hotties gravitate to you when you walk into the bar with a blood-soaked skull AND the Oakleys or Smiths pushed back up above your hairline, as if everything was normal?

Speaking of plugs, I actually like that Rivendell stem charm thingamajiggy. Of course I could never put it on the road bike and cover up the Specialized S. And its much too pretty for the hybrid. I just know when I see it, I always mentally say a "Nice."

THAT'S what eponymous means? If that's the case, I certainly hope it's the town that's eponymous and not the pudding, because, frankly, reading that definition has killed my appetite. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an R.E.M. album I have to listen to from a completely different viewpoint.

You know what, eponymous might refer to what GAVE a name to something, but nonetheless I'm gonna argue that that is not a particularly useful concept and the word should therefore continue to be misused. Because "named after something" or "self-named" IS a useful concept and there's no good word for it. Everyone knows an album called Led Zeppelin something is by Led Zeppelin. Whereas what an album by Led Zeppelin might be called, is not so obvious and might actually need to be talked about with words.

"Led Zeppelin is the eponym of their first few albums.""Well that's a relief, I thought they named Led Zeppelin I through III after the fucking Rolling Stones."

** scene **

"Hey I just bought Led Zeppelin II.""Oh really, who's it by?""Screw you.""No, seriously.""It's by the eponymous band."

There is such a thing as cardboard that is coated to resist moisture penetration. They use it to pack meat products. Yeah! Upcycle that! It's going to work perfect, and you can't use it for anything else anyway! I have nothing to say! Bye!

Within a month of taking up bike cycling after a 25-year hiatus, I had no less than nine people give me the concerned/horrified "YOU DON'T WEAR A HELMET???" speech, complete with personal anecdotes of near-death experiences. Mostly by some friend or friend of a friend of theirs. I ignored them until it just got too overwhelming and their collective concern was actually effecting my bike cycling experience and generally damaging my mojo. So I wear a fucking hemlet not to keep from dying or turning into a vegetable or whatever, but because I just don't want to be looking down from heaven at their told-you-so smug-ass nodding and lip smacking. Only my dad held his ground and basically called me a pussy, on Facebook.

God, who gives a shit? Brits still act like they own the world and everyone should be aware of their obscure,, twee geography. York is a dumpy city with a nice castle and the Shire is where Hobbits live. That's all we need to know.

If you have already ascertained who will wipe your arse and feed you glop on a plastic spoon for the rest of your miserable existence, then don't wear a helmet. With a health care system only out-empoverished by Albania, I'm sure you'll have a short stay in the dementia ward of an aged facility because their isn't anywhere else for your brain injured carcass to atrophy.

The cardboard helmet would help. It looks as though if one hit the deck at the correct angle, one's head would take on the appearance of a potato that has been processed by one of those miracle kitchen aids as seen on TV. The suffering ends. A Darwin award is in order.

Anywayz, I found my nipple. The Fulcrum vid show how one simply shakes it out of the valve hole. The said nipple is 6 mm by 9 mm. ( millimetres are really small measurements, A-mericans) Problem: outer valve hole too small. Resorted to a 1 mm allen key to penetrate the Italian nipple inside the cavity, turned the wheel over and it slipped through the inner valve hole. Getting the nipple back into position was another ordeal. Suffice to say I used a handy Zip tie to relocate it.

Cipodaciosity n. (Cee Poe daciousosi tee) 1. Pleasuring a woman and reducing her to a state of semiconsciousness without the use of drugs or external stimuli. 2. The act of outsprinting the peloton just prior to stage finish at the head of the team train in the Tour de France as he did 17 times.

Thank you Babbs. You are quite lovely also. The problem is I hate to fish. I watched a documentary about tigers the other night. They are solitary creatures until they're in the mood, only then they seek another tiger. Once the deed is done, they go their separate ways back to their solitary lives. I could be a tiger.

wiwm--don't be cynical. Of course it is moi! In fact, I was thinking if Santa would drop Tom Boonen under my tree that would really make things less complicated. And Lob knows I got the BUMP to satisfy his cocaine tendencies.

So, with the impending bike purchase, I think I'm going to make the leap to clipless (mountain and road bikes both have clips). I'm thinking Shimano. Anyone know of a decent shoe that will work for both mountaining and roadening?

You got upset about misuse of eponymous, and then you put a misplaced modifier in your email. When you wrote, "As an artful wordsmith, I thought you'd like to know," you probably meant, "I thought that you, as an artful wordsmith, would like to know."

Hey JB Crank Bros egg beaters. I use them on my road and mtb. Various models from about $40.00 bucks up to several hundred if you want a fancy ti spindle. Best clipless system I think but opinions are like assholes everybodies got one.

Lake CLX170 Mountain shoe. the BOA system with the dial on the back is so clean looking. I have been using the road model for 2 years without incident and have a mountain pair under the tree. They are very reasonable.

Thanks for the shoe/pedal info. I'm leaning toward Shimano (mtn. style) as I've read about bad reliability issues with CBs. I just need some mtn shoes that won't get me laughed at (any more than usual) on a road ride.

Duuuuuuuude, I just wandered to amazon.com to buy the BSNYC journal and it's not there. I'm distraught! I could have been the proud owner of 4 BSNYC printed objects! (BSNYC III available in James May 2013). How does one buy the journal if neither amazon nor the frozen food section has it?

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!