Kanye West says something intelligent

The worlds of music and celebrity have both been rocked to their core today after news broke that narcissistic performer Kanye West may have unwittingly said something intelligent.

Jonathan Lager of Burgess Hill, Sussex was attempting to plant shallots in his garden when he received some unexpected advice from the self-absorbed crooner who just happened to be leaning over the fence from next door. “He explained that you should always plant shallots or garlic in mild areas with well-drained soil, and pointed out an area of my garden where I would be likely to double my yield.

“I was puzzled by his presence and asked why he was next door rather an over in the states claiming to be the second coming. He told me he didn’t actually live next door to me. He was just cat sitting. He wouldn’t normally do it but they hadn’t managed to find anyone else at short notice.

“He also told me that Kim Karsashian’s arse was so well sculpted she could produce stools of any size or shape. A bit like a 3D printer. As a result his garden at home was adorned with numerous complex poo sculptures which doubled up as manure when it rained.”

Despite strenuous denials from Mr West’s record company that he has even been to Burgess Hill, let alone said something vaguely intelligent or useful, Kanye himself has confirmed that the only thing he prefers to performing and talking about himself is giving horticultural advice.

“I would say I’m the reincarnation of Alan Titchmarsh and Monty Don. And Charlie Dimmocks. But that would be to do myself an injustice. My greatest pain in life is that I won’t be on hand to lean over the fence to offer gardening advice to myself.” He explained.