Which means, woooo friggin' hooo, it's that time of the year where I go off my meds, start every morning with a freshly squeezed bottle of Scotch and type furiously about our favorite professional pigskin pals, the Chicago Bears!

Nineteen times out of 20, the link will send you somewhere that illuminates one of the numerous obscure references you'll find in my work.

Or, as is the case for the above example, something rando Bear-related image.

But sometimes it's just a picture of my anus on Tumblr.

In any case, you're welcome.

I also make frequent use of footnotes, mostly in the form of asterisks. For those of you who didn't complete sixth grade, this is an asterisk: *.

Yes, that was a real footnote. Jump to the bottom of the page and read the words next to the corresponding number of little star thingies.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Lastly, the Kool-Aid. At the end of each column, I'll assign a level of hype for the upcoming week's game on a scale of one to five alcoholic beverages. Because I'm a pusher.

It's a method that might seem completely arbitrary . . . because it is. You'll also find a very, very, very, thin veneer of analysis for the upcoming match-up in the Kool-Aid section, along with a predicted outcome.

If memory serves, I think I said that the Bears were going to win every single game in 2012 by a score of 23-20, so I wouldn't exactly go running straight to your bookie's house with cash in fist based on whatever the hell I write at the end of this article.

With all that out of the way, let's talk some Bootball!

[Editor's Note: (slaps own forehead)]

Oh yeah, and sometimes my imaginary editor Steve shows up in the form of those square parenthetical things.

Ultimately, anyone can write. But a pro re-writes. That's where Steve comes in.

[Editor's Note: You typically dump something on my desk 45 minutes before we're supposed to go to press. Usually that's just enough time to delete anything racist about people from Estonia.]

Hahahahaha! It sure is, Steve. It sure is.

Keep up the good work and let's get out there for another great season!

Offseason Roundup
Even with a handful of days left between these keystrokes and Week 1, there are many roster moves expected as the Bears tweak their lineup in preparation for another exciting season of football action.

Translation: I've got shit to do on Wednesday, so prepare yourself for some references to players that aren't even on the team by this weekend.

Oh dammit, Khari Lee just got the axe. Now my bit about him being a Skyrim character is useless.

Near-term moves aside, we can certainly discuss the fact that this offseason continued to showcase the current regime's ongoing commitment to sweeping change. The 2016 Bears feature a completely rebuilt O-Line, a bolstered linebacking corps, an actual rugby player and a shitload of unknown guys in the secondary whose names boast unusual amounts of punctuation.

Have you checked out the list of transactions from the last two months?

If you have, and I told you a dude named Cre'Vonte' Le'Hurst-Goldblatt just got picked up on waivers from the Lions' practice squad, you wouldn't be entirely sure I'm joking.

Ha! Your dumb ass believed me! They actually got him from the Patriots**.

Big name players who were sent packing included Pro Bowlers Matt Forte, Robbie Gould and Martellus Bennett. Ostensibly because they were "old," or "expensive," or "the arrow was pointing down," or they were an expensive and ineffective nuisance with a bad attitude who got beat out for a starting gig by a 31-year-old receiving tight end who basically hadn't played a professional football game for four years.

[Editor's Note: You missed Ego Ferguson and you forget the quotes on that last one?]

I did not. Also, does anybody really "miss" Ego Ferguson?

[Editor's Note: I'll allow it.]

Bennett aside, many Bear fans were left scratching their heads in regards to the rationale behind cutting Forte and Gould; the kicker in particular because running backs over the ripe ol' age of 30 typically get either put out to stud (first stop, Maude Flanders!) or sent to the Jets.

Sorry, Matt.

When asked about Gould, Bears GM Ryan Pace was quoted as saying, "When a player comes available that we feel good about, we have to consider it. And sometimes make the hard decisions."

In other words, the Bears had identified a list of players on other teams that, if available, would be brought in to compete or replace the Bears' all-time leading scorer.

While departures grabbed the spotlight in the latter parts of the offseason, draft picks and acquisitions made headlines earlier this summer.

For example, a season-ending injury to presumptive starting center Hroniss Grasu (known in some circles by his anagram, "Iron Ass Shrug") opened the door for two new faces; longtime author of the single-panel cartoon The Far Side Ted Larsen and rookie Cody Whitehair.

Hopefully they can provide enough pass protection to find out if 2015 first-round pick Kevin White can run a go route.

Or any route in the playbook for that matter. The early feedback on White's grasp of the game at the NFL level is not promising.

On the defensive side of the ball, Danny Trevathan (whose name is forcing me to copy/paste off the depth chart . . . for some reason I always spell it "Dannie"), Jerrell Freeman and rookie/human beanpole Leonard Floyd highlight the cast of new linebackers to augment a unit lead by the oft/usually/currently injured Pernell McPhee and professional bass fisherman Willie Young.

We could keep going, but the other 1,000 words I had lined up for this section were a think piece on the role of Marc Mariani (RIP) as a slot receiver.

[Editor's Note: Mariani's not dead!]

I found out as I was proofing this that he's back on the friggin' Titans. What's the difference?

[Editor's Note: I guess I'll allow that one too].

So with that brilliant idea deep-sixed, let's put a pin in the offseason review and look ahead.

Eye On The Opposition: J.J. & The Watt-o-Nauts
Much like KVD is the one of the only fisherman to gain even a slight level of mass notoriety, the Texans boast one of the only players that your girlfriend/boyfriend/straight buddy from Houston would recognize in public and then attempt to seduce.

On the very real strength of its defensive front and a totally unfounded amount of confidence in new quarterback Lieutenant Brock Osweiler****, Houston has its sights set on a fourth playoff appearance since 2011.

I was right about to make fun of J.J.'s Fun Bunch for only having appeared in five playoff games during the Texans' storied 14-year history . . . buuuuuuut then I remembered that five playoff games between 2011 and 2015 is five more than the Bears have to their credit during that timeframe.

See? This is why I can't be both a loyal fan and look at facts. Promise I'll keep that to a minimum going forward.

If the Bears hope to get the rushing attack going, it's going to take some creativity.

I suggest they run a variation of an end-around in which running back Jeremy Langford disguises himself as a sickly child, thus forcing Watt to stop and hug him in front of the cameras for a minute before cutting a generous check to one of the greater Houston area's adolescent oncological centers.

That should open the door to a 15- to 20-yard gain for Alshon Jeffrey on the weak side.

Other than that, I got nothing.

Kool-Aid (4 of 5 Cans Of Pipeworks' "Unicorn vs. Ninja")
Maybe I'm whoring myself out a little early in the season, but this is one of my favorite beers to buy at my local Binny's Beverage Depot!

Those ensnared in the current criminal case - which alleges that they paid for their children to get spots on the sports teams of big-name schools - couldn't have succeeded if the college admissions process wasn't already biased toward wealthier families.