Sunday, May 7, 2017

That Time I Went on Date with a Boring Guy who Didn’t Respect Halloween

In case you’re not caught up and the title of this blog has
caught you off guard, here’s a quick recap: Yes, I broke up with my on-again,
off-again boyfriend of two years – did you expect anything different? No, you
don’t need to tell me you’re sorry. You really don’t need to say anything.
We’re both lovely people, and now we’re lovely people who aren’t together, and
haven’t been since March. But to keep things nice and messy, we still occasionally go on dates. Because we have no idea what we’re doing or
how to be in a healthy relationship. If you’re confused, congratulations, we are too
(or at least I am). If you can’t understand how this can happen, then
congratulations on your healthy relationships and never experiencing a love life as
screwed up as mine, but keep your judgment to yourself. We all know the only
reason my blog is worth reading is because I have nothing close to a healthy
love life. But I do have cats, so let’s all just count that as a win. Actually,
four wins. One win per cat.

Win. Win. Win. Win.

Anyway, back to the date I went on.

As with all the winners I’ve dated, I found this guy online
– thanks OKCupid. We exchanged a total of 4 messages before he asked me on a
date and I appreciated both his efficiency and his offer of a cheeseburger, so
obviously I said yes.There were two signs in advance that this wouldn’t work,
but I went anyway because he said the magic word: cheeseburger. Anyway, the
signs were:

1. His profile lists hiking as his ideal first
date. Yes, hiking. If you need a reminder as to why this would not work for me,
here’s a quick reminder:

1. I don't walk.
2. I dress far too fabulously for hiking.

2. In his first message to me he said “I think it’s
great you’re fighting for disability rights. I’m hard of hearing myself. Don’t
let that discourage you!” Wait, you read the part of my profile that says I
live and breathe for disability rights, but you thought I’d be discouraged that
you’re hard of hearing? Really? Did you assume I was a hypocrite or what?

Despite this, we made plans to meet for a burger. We made plans a week in advance, and then he didn’t send me a single message. Not even a message
confirming that we were still on for the date. Maybe this is normal, but every
date I’ve ever went on the guy at least messaged me to confirm our plans a little
closer to the date. I even thought he may have forgotten about our plans, but I
showed up anyway because I wanted a damn burger. I was half shocked when he was
actually there when I showed up 6 minutes late (which is actually basically on
time in my mind).

There he was, looking like he just came from a hike
(complete with plaid flannel and hiking shoes), and looking dorky as hell. The
second part isn’t necessary a bad thing. Dorks run the world. I thought his
dorkiness might provide for some stimulating conversation. I was wrong.

From the moment we got to our table, I was bored out of my
mind. I mean, this guy was nice, but not at all entertaining. Honestly, I had
more of a connection with my waiter who I am pretty sure was 23 and gay. The
most stimulating conversations I ended up having were with the waiter who liked
to make sassy jokes and was surprised when I played along with his humor. He
even helped me solve the crisis of the night: deciding if I wanted endless
fries or endless salad with my burger. I explained that I had a made New Year’s
Resolution to eat more salad, but I really wanted fries. He told me to stick to
my goals and get a salad, and then after he brought me my burger and salad, he
brought me out a free side of fries.

At that point, I started to wonder if I
could take “around my age or slightly older” and “likes women” off of my “must
have” list for my partner search. In the end, I decided that despite the free
fries, I probably should keep those two standards on my list.

Burger & salad prior to the plate of free fries.

You may have noticed I haven’t talked much about my actual
date yet. That’s because I genuinely was so bored that I can’t remember much to
tell you about him. I do remember that at one point he told me he couldn’t
remember the last time he celebrated Halloween and that he thinks he dressed up
as Spock when he did. I was utterly flabbergasted by this statement. He thought
my visceral reaction was due to his statement about his Spock costume. He
seemed surprised when I went on a 10 minute rant about how Halloween is the
greatest holiday of all time, that it is an entire season – not just one day,
that nothing could stop me from celebrating Halloween, and how my house gets
fully decked out for this glorious holiday.

Please note, last Halloween I was marching all over Massachusetts
with ADAPT to fight for Disability Rights, and even that couldn't stop me
from celebrating Halloween. I protested in a cat onesie & cat earmuffs.

Maybe I went on for so long because
this was the second time in three days that a man dismissed Halloween as a
holiday that could go without celebrating (earlier that week my Pastor said
that there was “no such thing as Halloween lights” during his sermon and that’s
just a ridiculous statement). Whatever. I knew from before the date started
that this wasn’t going to be a love connection, but this statement just torched
any chance that could have been somewhere in the distance.

No such thing as Halloween lights my ass.

No love for Halloween? Peace out bro. That’s like saying you
don’t like cats. If you don’t like cats then don’t go on a date with me because
I am a cat. Seriously. I meow in the halls of my office. I meow to my boss who
occasionally understands my meows, and other times is confused by the inflection
of my meow and states “I don’t understand what that means.”

I repeat: I am a cat.

Damn. I went off on a tangent and stopped talking about my date again. Well, I suppose that's because there's nothing left to say. Needless to say, we have not scheduled a second date.

Abbreviated version:

I went on a date who thinks “hiking” would be an ideal first
date. But since my ideal first date involves cheeseburgers (and, oh yeah, I
don’t walk), we did that instead. I had more of a connection with my 23 year
old gay waiter than I did with my boring date who had no respect for Halloween.
There’s not much else to say because the date was so boring I barely remember
it.

Lessons learned:

1. In addition to my requirements on age and liking
women, I am adding “must respect Halloween” and “must like cats” to my list of
must haves in a future partner.

2. It’s never a good sign when you have more of a
connection with your waiter than with your date.

3. Not all dorks can have stimulating
conversations. Some are just boring.

1 comment:

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