Bush OKs Free Speech in Designated Guarded Areas

DENVER, Colorado – The Secret Service is investigating the removal of three people from a town hall meeting with President George W. Bush regarding Social Security here in Denver last week. The three say they were told they were removed because of a “No More Blood for Oil” bumper sticker on their car. When asked about the incident, the president said, “Well, I’ll tell you, that’s a sticker that an Al Qaeda, uh, operative would probably have. I mean, what does that even mean? They’re gonna spill our blood for their oil? Very fishy. I applaud the removal of the three, uh, potential future terrorist instigators. Or citizens. However you wanna phrase it.”

Hours later, after instant polling showed 87% of the country thought the president might have a significant mental handicap after hearing his statements, the White House issued a press release briefly outlining a new initiative proposed by the president, dubbed “Free to Be You and Me (Sometimes).”

The plan would allow for opinions differing from the White House’s official stance on a particular issue to be expressed in specific designated areas, to be called “No Opinion Left Behind” zones, at least 50 miles from a specific event, speech or appearance by the president or any administration or Republican party member. A guard armed with an M-16 machine gun will be present, as will an FBI agent whose job it will be to collect the personal information of all in attendance.

“This proves, I think, the willingness of this administration to compromise with the electorate on issues of personal freedoms and constitutional rights,” the president wrote in the statement. “Yes, it’s true any protest or differing opinion will be expressed miles from the actual event or individual the protest most likely refers to, but let’s not get crazy. We’re not hippies, after all. We’re God’s children, and we love our country and the freedoms it provides. And as such, we don’t protest, and when we do, it’s where no one can hear us.”

For their part, the three individuals removed from Bush’s town hall meeting on Social Security, who were apparently not attempting a protest or demonstration of any kind and were simply trying to attend the event, have not been seen or heard from since yesterday afternoon, possibly because they were transported to the U.S. Naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.