‘Tis The Season To Be Gory

Happy Helliday Event

Jack Frost is dead. Oh! Shame on me! My name is Icy Evil. I’d shake your hand but I’m kinda cold. Don’t cry or your tears will freeze to your face. Now…I don’t like it when people get upset…it makes me all warm inside…and then I start to melt, which means I’ll need to do something very cold to lower my temperature. I’m not gonna melt. Nope. Not me. Not like my brother. Poor bastard.

I stole some presents from Santa Claus.

Don’t worry. You can have some, okay? Which means we’ll remain best friends, and, say, be a good sport and place a little of this in Santa’s cookies. Don’t worry. He’ll live. I think.

Remember: Blood is the gift that keeps on giving!

“Hey Nippy, what time is it? How ’bout we take a break and go eat a few candy canes. I got these special peppermint sticks from Mistletoe—she knows someone who lives north of Festive Village…near a Sasquatch cave. You know that they horde the best peppermint. Stingy fuckers, yeah, that’s right. They gotta sneak in and take the sticks. Do you remember Nog? He got ripped apart. They say his guts are still frozen to the cave wall. Gross.”

Nippy yawns.

“…Nog…right…he was a bit of an asshole, but I don’t blame him. They say he never was the same after that toy train incident. It’s 8:50pm. Ten more minutes, Joyous.”

Joyous and Nippy jog down the corridor, and then enter through a backdoor, which leads to an open warehouse, filled with a reindeer eating from a trough. Boxes are stacked upon fluffy mounds of snow, while sled tracks lead toward a large closed door.

“How many you think he’s gonna burn through this year?” Joyous says while he slaps a reindeer’s hind. The reindeer kicks the sparkling air.

“Easy, gal, jeez. See what I mean? We’re not the only one’s being worked to death. Blitzen ran away a few nights ago.” Joyous says.

The two elves open a metal door beside a crate filled with tangled prismatic bulbs. Cold wind glides off the snow and screams in their face.

“I heard about that—it’s a shame that he’ll probably be eaten by that damn blind polar bear! Did you hear about what happened to the carolers? Yeah, that’s right, they were eaten. Peppermint had to clean up the mess…I feel really bad for her…you should have seen the bloody gloves and scarves! Yuck.” Nippy says.

Joyous shakes his head as he opens a small leather pouch and reveals two spiraled sugary sticks.

“Go ahead and suck on this. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.” Joyous says as he nudges Nippy with an elbow.

“Haha…very funny…why don’t you go ahead and ask what Winter was suckin’ on last night.” Nippy says while he snatches a sugar stick.

“What? Why? Ha—okay…this is all fun and games! Ha…you’re just kidding…Ha…right?” Joyous says.

Nippy looks up toward the stars.

“…Yeah! Haha, you should see the look on your face. Damn. Too easy. Winter hates me.”

Joyous bites into a sugar stick.

“Just checkin’, just checkin’, can’t blame an elf for double-checkin’.”

The sky above Nippy’s head twirls, swirls, and whirls as the stars pulsate vibrant halos. Nippy’s eyes dilate—cosmic light falls into his eyes and seeps into his brain.

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I’m jealous of the lovely elf names you come up with! Joyous and Mistletoe. Cute! I never knew elves were so edgy; makes me think there’s so much more to this fine tale than sparkly air and wispy star tails. Hurry and turn the page! I can hardly wait. 🎄😈