Twin sister #1, indignantly: I tried to get him the least sexual plant I could find. I mean, a cactus, how much less sexual could you get?Twin sister #2, thoughtfully: You really can't get any less sexual than a cactus.

Disheveled hobo to granola-looking lady with khaki shorts, matching hat, and three-foot braided ponytail: You goin' on a nature walk, baby? I'd like to take a hike with you and make sweet love beside a pine tree.

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jesse Cromer

20-something hipster: He face-planted into my potted plant, and then later he pissed himself.

Girl #1: And then the interviewer asked me, “if you were on a deserted island with five handicapped people, what would you do to get off?” I was like “I don't know. We're screwed.”Girl #2: Wow.Girl #1: Seriously. We would be screwed. I would just sit under a palm tree and pray or make smoke signals or something.Girl #2: Yeah, I don't know what I would do either.Girl #1: Well at least she said my answer was funny. Then she told me about the time she asked that question to some girl. Her response was that she would take all the people who had Down syndrome and use them as a raft to float to safety.

Hobo to couple: Right, right, so you take a donut, put it where it don't belong. Like in a tree. Now you got a tv. Take a cream cookie, wipe it on your mustache. Now you got a tv. I would put a chocolate cookie in the middle of a donut.Woman: Oh my, where did you learn all this?

Guy #1: He wouldn't stop telling me to eat the cactus, so I just broke down and did it.Guy #2: Wow, what about the needles?Guy #1: I put it in a blender first, dumbass.Guy #2: Oh. So what happened?Guy #1: I drank like three quarters of it and I threw up. A lot. Like “mother of god.”Guy #2: Sheesh, then what?Guy #1: I passed out for about 9 hours.Guy #2: Awesome.Guy #1: Yeah.