Thursday, September 23, 2010

When Neyo sang ‘Miss Independent’, he probably didn’t envisage women all over the world tagging themselves as ‘Miss Independent’. Nice title that is anyway, but in my opinion it takes more than having a good paying job, the right connections, rolling with the cream de la cream of society…and singing the ‘Miss Independent’ lyrics to make you deserve that title. Being Miss Independent also entails having control over your emotions and keeping it in check. And this is the part most women fail to understand.

Women these days are always either hung over one dude or the other, or going from one bad relationship to the next bad relationship …it’s getting to a point where I just want to disable my email to stop me from receiving a ‘what did I do wrong this time’ mail. Like seriously girl it’s not about what you did wrong, it’s about what you didn’t do right, it’s about how you consciously or unconsciously allow yourself to be victims all the time…it’s about giving men the power to hurt you.

Many of us spend a lot of time, energy and resources trying to keep the men we should be letting go of. For some of us its how we have grown to believe it is, considering how our mothers told us time and time again that ‘’A woman should do everything within her power to please her man…so he won’t go looking for love elsewhere’’; while for some others it’s just a desperate attempt to feel needed. Whichever it is, it’s still not going to get you that relationship you have always dreamed about.

Women that go chasing men who are not available emotionally are women who have set themselves up for a fall. The popular and even biblical moral of ‘what you sow you reap’ makes some of us think this would solve all of life worries. Thus where he is emotionally abusive, you give him more attention, where he disrespects you, you give him more love, where he pushes you away, you give him everything you’ve got in the hope that you will reap these back. It may even seem the modern thing to do, giving and giving all of you to keep the man, always available emotionally, physically, financially even when he isn’t. But the truth of the matter is that sowing into the wrong soil is never rewarding. You probably believe that one day he will wake up to realize that you are the right woman for him and become ‘available’. It’s possible…, but it also smells of desperation, and desperation isn’t attractive.

You need to learn to let things go. If you go out with somebody and you both don’t connect - it's fine! Stop looking for ways to make it work. If the other person doesn't feel the same way that you do about him - it's no problem! Let it go. Love is many things, but one thing it isn’t, is unsure. If it is love you will be sure. If you have to spend a lot of time obsessing over it, and analyzing it and questioning ‘does he love me?’ ‘I’m I doing something wrong?’…then you know it isn’t love. If he loves you, he’ll show you that he does and you wouldn’t even have those questions. Don’t sit around waiting by the phone or checking every few minute to see if your sms has been replied. Why are you worrying over someone who doesn’t want to worry over you?

You want to be an Independent Lady? You want to get out of this circle of frustration and disappointment in relationships? Then get a grip… take back the power you have given to men by getting a hold of your life. Go out as often as you want, go to church, join a gym, stop pining, re-connect with your friends, meet incredible men, get into globular dating, i.e. not investing all your time and energy into any ONE man…until you have a ring on your finger from that man you choose.... Stop caring so much, and start moving forward! The minute you start channeling your energy into becoming a better and happier you, the more attractive you become around guys.

Ask the Men, they fall in love for different reasons and one of them is knowing that you know your worth and won’t settle for less all in the name love. You are the price; you are the trophy…if he doesn’t see that then let him go. Stop chasing, stop caring about ‘why’ and start living. That is becoming Emotionally Independent.

And the award for Miss Independent goes to.....

Keep stepping girl....oh and Happy Independence day to you all...kisses to the brothers

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I don tire....as in for real. I am grateful I have a job in Nigeria becos its hard getting a good paying job like this one these days. But this one is really beginning to irritate me.

I cant call it a job...its more like 'work'. I dont want to have to sleep with anyone to get ahead...I dont want to kiss arse to get ahead...I dont want to scheme and tear people down to get ahead...

I'd like to be promoted based on merits....but its taking a longer time and it hurts me to see those whose only professional skill rests in their bossom and "mouth"and rear end, getting ahead while those who just want to do the job to the best of their ability are treated like modern day slaves.

Monday starts and I pray earnestly for friday...I pray for 5pm each day.... I wake by 4am and i'm thinking 'let it rain...let the unions go on strike...let the office not open today'' Just so I have a reason not to go.

I know I should resign right? I mean if I'm praying for public holiday every week then I really shouldnt be in that office. But if you are in Nigeria you know its not as easy as that...there are bills to pay...there is a lifestlye to uphold. And I like money.....

What do I do? I cant think of any skills I have that could make me say ''oh yes imma work for myself'

But I'm just so tired and unhappy with this place. I mean this is where I spend 11 hours and more of my life span everyday....it drains me.... it gives me sleepless nights... it makes me wake up in the middle of the night looking for chocolates or anything sweet to sweeten the thoughts in my head

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Yes oooo....my friends think I'm crazy for not wanting to accept a particular marriage proposal. They think I'm being choosy and so far their arguements go thus:

''Girly...you know this guy loves you to pieces''

''Jay...this man is kind and accepts you as you are''

''Nutty what do you want...???this one wont cheat on you''

And they are right....but there is a tiny weeny problem with this one....I dont trust him. Nah I dont mean he will cheat on me.... I just dont trust him.

Lemme explain... I'm a very practical person and approach things that way. So while I know love is a key function of any marriage...I also know its not enough. This Mister is all they say but his private thoughts gives me pause.

He is a good man yes...but not by my definition.

Being Kind....accepting me as I am and loving me is all well and good. But actually what I'm looking for is a husband who is:

- Committed to growing in his relationship with Christ: im not saying write it boldly on ur forehead....or act holy holy....nah!!! Fall short sometimes no problem....dont be very strong yet no problem....but he needs to love God and be committed to growing in his relationship with God. Not the one that tells me he hasnt been to church in four weeks cos the stress in lagos na wa.

- He should be an individual of Obvious Integrity: ya....but not foolish. I dont want a husband who can be pushed around just becos he is humble. One who is being cheated by friends and family but wont see it cos he believes everyone is good and just. And when I point out the obvious I'm told ''jay calm down, he's my friend and we've come a long way...so if he wants to spoil our friendship by being dishonest then he will lose the friendship' (ya...and a couple of millions too...SMH)

-Someone who can lead boldly, think for theirselves and make sound decision: This is the part were I say I dont trust him. I cant trust a man/woman who makes decisions based on sentiments...who make assumptions based on perceptions. Who wouldnt bother drawing up a contract agreement cos he 'trusts' the verbal argreement he has with his patner. I cannot always be on edge...I cannot marry and always be checking and re-checking decisions made for us by my husband. I need to be able to lean back and know that at least 60% of the time my husband would make sound decisions even if I'm not there.

It may sound minor...but to me its not. Love is important to me...but its not enough. For my sake...from were I'm coming from, from where I'm going to....Love alone with kindness and respect is not enough.

For example if I tell a man who loves me that I may be facing major sugery soon (hip replacement) except God heals me... the next thing...the immediate next thing I want to hear is 'for real?' or ''Is it that bad?'' or ''No....no way Jay, we serve a God...the Balm of Gilead is still alive'' or another response could be ''I hear its expensive...how will you manage that financially''

I expected to hear all that....not:

''ah han...if you go to America for the surgery will you come back to Nigeria? I dont want to lose you and you know I want to kick start marriage next year''

Me: huh???? (I no sure say I hear well)

Him: 'But anyways' he continued like he didnt see my surprised response 'it can be managed...lets do introduction and then you can go and bla bla bla''

I mean was that insecurity? Or was that his biological clock I heard ticking....or did he just panic? Or is there something involved in his haste for marriage that I dont know yet?

either ways....my friends are right. I am being choosy and I have many reasons to be.

Happy New Month to you all....I'll put up a blog soon but let me go do my blog rounds. I'm sorry for the appearing and disappearing, so many many things happening... I haven't abandoned ship...I'm still standing and love you all

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About Me

Daughter, Sister, Friend, Enemy, Child of God...fun loving and curious
Nutty Jay is not a professional writer and hasn't still grasped the art of being politically correct, thus some posts might offend some readers, but that is not her aim. Overall... She's a fairly good writer.
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