You Are My Sunshine

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Monday, April 8, 2013

According to the March of Dimes, in the United States, 1 in
9 babies is born prematurely.Babies
born just a few weeks early are at risk for severe problems and lifelong
disabilities.

Since losing Sam, I have felt helpless.We don’t know the reason he is not with us,
no reason was ever found. Losing Sam made me realize how very precious life
is.This is why I have chosen to support
the March of Dimes and participate in the March for Babies this year in
Pittsburgh on June 2nd.Over
the next couple months I will be focusing on raising money for the March of
Dimes for stronger, healthy babies.All
babies deserve the best chance possible for survival.Please consider making a donation through the
link below.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

I can’t
believe it’s been a whole year, 365 days without you.365 days that you have been in Heaven.365 days that I haven’t had you here with me.
365 days that I’ve missed you more than words can ever say.365 days that I’ve wished I could hold you
and smother you with kisses.365 days of
memories we missed out on.365 days that
my heart has ached for you.

This is
Mommy’s new favorite picture.It’s the
closest I’ll ever come to having both of my boys together here.Your little brother Owen is taking good care of
your teddy bear for you.And I know you
are watching out for him from up above.

Friday, January 25, 2013

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.I’m in a very weird place.I continue to grieve the loss of my first son
and at the same time I’m excitedly expecting the arrival of my second son.I also find it hard to use this blog
space.It is Sam’s place and it is a
place I want others who are grieving loss to be able to come and relate.I don’t know how to mingle my grief and how
much I miss Sam with the happiness his baby brother is bringing me.

February is quickly approaching.I’m over the moon with anticipation of Baby H’s
arrival, but this also means we are quickly approaching the fact that Sam has
been in Heaven for almost 12 months.We’ve
missed out on so much of what could have been had he lived, first smiles, first
laugh, first family vacation, first experience with solid food, sitting up, all
day snuggles and so much more.I see
babies born over the summer and it just breaks my heart that my Sam should be
doing all the things they are doing, but he's not.

I’m so afraid with the arrival of Baby H, that February
16th will pass me by.I
really hope it doesn’t. I also don’t know what to call Feb 16th.He wasn’t by medical terms born into this
world, so birthday doesn’t sound right.It was the day we found out his little heart stopped beating, maybe not
the exact day it stopped, but within a few days.The best I can wrap my head around it is that it is when he was born into Heaven,
so birthday may actually be fitting in a different sense.

If Heaven Birthdays do exist, then I know Sam’s Grandmom
has something special planned for my baby boy complete with decorations, cake
and lots of presents.As much as I miss
him and wish he were here I take comfort that he is with people that were very
special to Ryan and me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It’s been a really tough year.Beyond losing Sam my family has had a
few too many medical scares.There has
been a black cloud looming above us.I’m
really looking forward to the end of 2012 and it can’t come fast enough.However, considering this is the time of year
we should all be considering what we are thankful for, I wanted to focus on the
good.Despite how hard this year has
been, I am thankful for so many things.

I am thankful for my amazing husband and our marriage.Our first year of marriage came with the loss
of our first child.Even though we both
grieve differently we have always been there for each other and have held each
other up.We continue to put one foot in
front of the other.He reminds me every
day to look at the good in life, to be kind to others and to smile.I love him more and more every day.

I am thankful that Sam made me a Momma this year.I realize that some have a hard time
understanding this because I never got to hold him, snuggle him, smother him
with kisses, rock him to sleep or do all of the things of conventional
motherhood.I love him all the same and long for all of
those missed moments.I’ll forever
cherish the 5 months I carried him and look forward to the day I get to be with
him again in heaven.

I am thankful for this handsome little man.

He gives me hope for the future.I pray every single day, more than I’ve ever
prayed in my life, that he remains healthy and continues to grow big and
strong.I long for the day I get to hold
him in my arms.I can hardly believe he
will be here in less than 3 months.

I am thankful for my family: my parents, brother,
sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.We
are lucky enough to be a close knit bunch.We’re always there for each other, we make time for each other, we’re
supportive, we don’t criticize, we always forgive, we don’t hold grudges, we
laugh together and we always have fun together.I think Pap would be very proud of us.

I am thankful for my friends.This year I realized how lucky I was to have
such wonderful friends to support me when I needed it most, whether it was
spending time together, phone calls, texts, emails or giving me the space I
needed to work on healing.I truly
appreciate everyone just being there.I
can only hope that I am just as good a friend to them in return.

About Me

On February 16, 2012 at 20 weeks we heard the words no expectant parent imagines hearing, "Your baby does not have a heartbeat." This is my journey through the storm with hopes that that I will find a rainbow at the end.