She explains how being soft and being strong are not mutually exclusive

How we can become a powerful force for change and good in this world

How to become unstoppable as a HSP

Why most HSP’s seem to be driven to make a change in this world, to give back, to help and to heal

How do we remove the heavy layer of guilt and shame we feel

Why so many of us have a deep internal sense of being flawed that stems from childhood

We both share stories about our husbands, that are NOT HSP’s

Specific script to say to your significant other [47:21]

How to combat comparisonitis [50:50]

How she embraces being the “weird girl” [52:08]

Amber gives you her best piece of advice [55:23]

Here is the in-depth conversation…

Hello everyone, Ashley Stamatinos here. Thank you so much for joining me. I have such a special treat for you. I’m so excited to introduce you to my friend Amber Rochelle.

Ashley:, 00:00:00

Well thank you. I’m so excited to be here.

Amber:, 00:00:13

Oh my gosh. You are all in for such a treat and for those of you who don’t already know, Amber, let me tell you just a little bit about her before we dive into all this amazing juicy goodness that we have for you today. So exciting. Amber Rochelle is an intuitive life coach, mentor, and expert on sensitivity. She’s devoted to help it and how sensitive women thrive in an often insensitive world. She works with women who struggle with constant anxiety, who’ve been told their whole lives, that they were too sensitive or too emotional, and helping them to manage their sensitivity so that they can feel safe in this world and finally feel confident in who they are. She is known as the sensitive bad@$$ Amber’s mission is to change the narrative in our culture around the word sensitive and lead sensitive souls to a place of empowerment.

Ashley:, 00:00:17

So she believes that sensitivity is a superpower. I do too, and if you choose to treat it as one, that’s what it could become, a super power and that this world desperately needs the healing powers that’s sensitive’s have to offer. So I mean obviously you could tell by my introduction, but she is so in alignment with so many of the things that I’ve been sharing with you over the years. So I said, please, please come onto a show. I can’t wait to share you with everyone because I know they’re just going to love what you have to say. So again, welcome, welcome, amber.

Amber:, 00:01:11

Thank you!

Amber:, 00:01:11

Another thing is, you know, I would love to share with everyone. Amber and I met about two years ago because we were really enjoying each other’s Instagram feeds and we just felt like kindred spirits way back then.

Ashley:, 00:01:52

Obviously we both have a very similar mission in the world. So I mean there’s that. But then we ended up getting on the phone, which I don’t really do with many people. I started just really drawn to reach out to you and let’s chat. Let’s talk. I don’t remember how long we talked, but I think it was an hour and I mean we both have graphic design backgrounds. We are very into hair and makeup or glamorous, um, uh, you know, new age people back then we both were a lot of like headdress types of things headbands and like go, like just all sorts of things. I mean those are like sort of superficial things, but also a lot of the underlying things of our background. And um, did you use to dance also now?

Ashley:, 00:02:06

no no

Amber:, 00:02:06

There were so many things in our background that we just clicked on and we thought, oh my gosh, we have to stay in touch. You know, it’s so cool to just have another person in his field who you enjoy and kick ideas back and forth. But so I had so much fun chatting with you way back then and I’m glad that we’re having a deeper conversation now.

Ashley:, 00:02:55

Me Too. I know. It was crazy. I felt like I had known you forever. So then when you talk to me to come on the show, I was super, super excited because we have a very similar vibe. So this is good.

Amber:, 00:03:14

Awesome. Well, amber, tell us a little bit more about you and I would also really love to know more about your journey prior to starting your business.

Ashley:, 00:03:28

Yes. So before I was a coach, I worked as you had mentioned, I worked as a graphic designer and I worked in corporate advertising for like 10 years. Um, that was my job straight out of college and it was just what I kept doing and I was fine. I was successful at it, um, you know, but I never really loved it. And part of that was the negative environment that I was in. It was a really, really competitive and cutthroat and just felt really superficial to me. The particular companies I worked in, but also I had this deeper, you know, like drives and where I wanted to do something that was helping people. And I felt like designing toothbrush adds for 10 years. I was a little bit done.

Amber:, 00:03:40

And I had, you know, when I grew up, I’m a Seattle girl, born and raised in Seattle, um, I had very difficult childhood and because of that I think that paired with being a highly sensitive person, like I’ve always really wanted to take the things that happened to me and use them to become a better person and to give back to other people rather than letting it hold me down, which is what happened to a lot of members in their family. And so I started looking at, going back to school for. So I was like, maybe I’ll go back to school and be a therapist. Just didn’t feel right to me. And I actually at the time had no idea what coaching was. And I ran across the very first coach that I ever followed. Her name’s molly may harsh, she’s just amazing. Um, and I was like, oh my God, this is a thing that people do and they actually make money doing this.

Amber:, 00:04:20

This is amazing. And so I found, actually, it’s kind of a funny story. Um, I was still working at the ad agency and we had, we owned the whole building, but we rent it out some of the rooms for like corporate events and meetings and whatnot. And one day the secretary came up to me and she’s like, I really feel like you need to meet the renters across the hall. And I was like, why do I care who’s renting the place across the hall? And she was like, I don’t know, I just feel like you need to come meet this guy. And so she introduced me to him and he said, hi, my name is Richard. I, I’m the owner and teacher at Seatle life coach training. They literally rented the space right across from my office and I was like, this is a sign. Of course.

Amber:, 00:05:07

I mean it was like in the building. Um, so I ended up enrolling in his school and he then hired me to do some graphic design work for him and knocked off half my tuition for the program the first time in my life that I had felt like things were really easy and we’re just opening for me. And I just kind of trusted that I kept moving forward and so about two and a half years ago I left corporate and has been, you know, still doing a little bit of design but mostly coaching full time ever since. And it’s the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I feel very, very, like on purpose. I feel like I’m finally really like living out my mission and I love it. So it’s, it’s kind of an amazing. And to a harder chapter of my life.

Amber:, 00:05:53

I was thinking about how you’re saying that you did graphic design and ad agency, you said, right. That’s the one of the most stressful types of positions, isn’t it?

Ashley:, 00:06:42

Yeah.

Amber:, 00:06:42

Deadline, fast paced pressure cooker. I mean, as a highly sensitive person I would burn out. Did you burn out?

Ashley:, 00:06:54

I did. I really did. I was so burned out to the point where I didn’t realize how miserable I was until I left because I had become acclimated to being treated really poorly. Um, you know, and just being under such high stress, like really toxic environment. I used to hide in the bathroom. I would go in the bathroom and like cry and I would do, I would try and meditate in a bathroom and I had crystals in my desk. I had smudge sticks with me. I was doing whatever I could to protect myself from all of the stuff.

Amber:, 00:07:00

I remember I had a job where I would use essential oils and everyone would be like, what’s that smell? I thought, maybe that’s too much. Maybe I’ll just, you know, tuck crystals all over it and inside my clothes, u know.

Ashley:, 00:07:35

And, and you know, when, when I left, like they actually laid me off and so it was because I was still afraid to leave to be honest. I had just had this part of me that was holding onto this consistent income. I mean it is risky and scary become an entrepreneur, but I felt like I kinda got pushed out of the nest and it was the exact thing that I needed, um, because I then realized how much it had been affecting me and I really had to kind of take a period to recuperate and regenerate my energy. And then from that place I was like, OK, now let’s next. Um, but it’s been, it’s been really, really good and I don’t regret, I don’t regret the time that I spent there because I learned a lot and, and grew up a lot, you know, um, and I think it taught me a lot of really good lessons, but I’m definitely grateful that I’m no longer there!

Amber:, 00:07:50

For all of the highly sensitive people in Super, super pressure cooker, high intensity jobs, you know, we hope you’re listening, something else is possible. Truly at the heart of it how we function, our nervous system that’s very, very, very taxing and you need an arsenal of tools, you know, to be able to be in those types of positions and be healthy. So, you know, without the tools in that type of situation, it would be very hard not to be burnt out over and over and over again. Do you agree?

Ashley:, 00:08:38

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. I would say the first seven years of my career I did not have the tools and it was, you know, and so I leaned on negative coping mechanisms and it was only in the last couple of years that I was there that I was really starting to become empowered myself and putting those tools in place. And at the same time I was realizing this is not that kind of be the rest of my life. This is not the right place for me.

Amber:, 00:09:11

Awesome. So let’s go way back because I haven’t felt like this is way back. When. Did you first know that you are a highly sensitive person or how did you become aware of this?

Ashley:, 00:09:37

So I knew from a very young age, like I would say like toddler that I was different. I didn’t know what. I didn’t know what a Highly Sensitive Person was. I didn’t even know it was a thing. I just knew that I was, I was different. Um, the way that people reacted to me was different. I got in trouble a lot in my household because I told the truth and I picked up on things that people didn’t want you to pick up on and I would say things and then of course my parents would get upset because was don’t talk about the elephant in the room. So I think from an early age I felt that there was something wrong with me because of the negative reaction that I got to that part of myself. Um, and then, you know, in school I was always a target for bullies because it didn’t take much at all to make me cry.

Amber:, 00:09:49

Um, and I tried very hard to hide that part of myself. But for me personally, the more I tried to hide it, like the, the more reactive by became. It just didn’t. I was never able to like turn it off as hard as I try it on. And it wasn’t until I think I was, I would say probably like early twenties, 21 or 22 that somebody gave me a copy of the highly sensitive person. And when I read that book changed because I knew I was sensitive, very sensitive, um, but I didn’t know that it was a genetic trait. I didn’t understand that my brain was literally wired differently and that is why everything felt so different to me. And so reading that book was the most kind of liberating thing for me because I felt a, I’m not, you know, like A) I’m not a fraud and B) I’m not alone and C) there’s like a better way to relate to this and to manage life with this.

Amber:, 00:10:37

Um, and that really kind of opened me up to all sorts of seeking and exploring and learning and researching and um, you know, to, to be able to figure it out for myself and where I fit in the world and how the ways that I had been behaving and treating myself as a child, you know, just trying to survive, just trying get through. But then they were actually really detrimental to my nervous system, to my emotional wellness. Um, and so yeah, but it was a profound moment reading that book because I just had felt so flawed and whole life I really felt like there was something very wrong with me and that sort of lifted at that point.

Amber:, 00:11:35

And that book is by Elaine Aron, just very easy to search it on Amazon person and she’s written a bunch of them, but I have found that so many people say that once they read that before they finally feel like they’re not alone, because so many of us do tried to hide our sensitivity because it seems like a flaw, like you said, and now you know, it’s not. Yeah, we, both of us, Amber and I know that it’s a gift, you know. So we’re going to talk a little bit more about that too because it might be hard to believe that if you’re in a place where it’s still a struggle. So I’m excited to talk about that. But first I’m going to try to go chronologically, super, super hard for me to do because I don’t function on a timeline. But one of the things I really would like for Amber to share more with you is I would like to hear how you started the sensitive bad @$$ movement because I don’t know a ton about it. I know about what you do and what your mission is. But I would love to hear more about that. And also tell me what does it mean to be Sensitive Bad@$$.

Ashley:, 00:12:13

So, um, I, when I was in coaching school, that school that it showed up in my ad agency building, um, we, there was a woman there who was like, oh my God, she said to me, she was like, you are so sensitive. It’s the most beautiful thing ever. And now I had never had somebody say that to me before. It was always why are you so sensitive, all positive praise. And um, and we got to talking and she was like, you know, she was like, I feel like when you’re sensitive it’s like you’re one of the x men, like it’s your super power, but you have to learn how to work with it, not against it or it can destroy you. And I loved that. And that kind of kicked me off on this whole superpower terminology around it. Of course, I’m not the only one who says that, but I really started thinking about how we’re so often told that we’re weak as sensitive people.

Amber:, 00:13:21

We so often get the feedback from the world, that there’s something wrong with us, that we need to toughen up, um, that we were overreacting and we’re too much of this and too much of that. And I really started thinking about like the trajectory of my life and the other sensitive women that I knew, I was like, honestly, I feel like we’re actually stronger because we’re taking in so much information from the world around us. Both just visual information, but also the emotional and energetic information that we’re taking in. And then we care at such a deep level that we’re often carrying huge weight on our shoulders. Especially before we learned some of the tools of being a more empowered, empathic, sensitive. But we get up every go to work, take care of our kids, show up for people. Oftentimes HSPs, I’m sure you know are high performing, actually very high performing.

Amber:, 00:14:14

It’s just the behind the scenes we have anxiety and depression and overwhelm and we’re drained because we’re carrying so much weight. So I started thinking like it’s kind of bad @$$ to be sensitive in this world because not only do we have this really cool unique gift that other people don’t, but then also like we really have the capacity to carry a lot of emotional weight and so that’s what sort of started the idea for me. But when I got into coaching, I really felt like it’s so important for everybody listening and for everybody that sensitive out there to understand that you are not weak you actually are incredibly strong and you have more strength inside of you than you know how a lot of times we just believe that things that we’ve been told for the world around us of course, but why would we not?

Amber:, 00:15:00

We all want to fit in. We all want to belong, right? And so we listened to that feedback and we try and adapt accordingly. But when you really embrace who you are outside of those messages, I can stand really proud. And, and, and, you know, strong in your sensitivity, like it really is bad@$$, and so that’s, you know, but it’s just people hear that term and they’re like, wait, is that like an oxymoron know, you know, because being soft and being strong are not mutually exclusive. You can and our goals. Um, and so that’s really became my mission is to help women sensitive women and men, you know, um, to understand because once we find our strength within ourselves, we really can be unstoppable. We really can be a powerful, powerful force for change and good in this world. We just have to undo a lot of that messaging that we’ve been given and be able to connect back into the strength that’s always been there.

Amber:, 00:15:46

Absolutely. I so agree. I love hearing you talk about it. It’s really cool to listen to someone else about something I so deeply feel so passionate about too. And I didn’t know if it didn’t. I didn’t, I hadn’t read that about you, that the sensitive bad@$$, you know, I call it a movement. I don’t know if you’re calling it a movement, but…

Ashley:, 00:16:47

I like calling it a movement. Yes,

Amber:, 00:17:05

I didn’t know that it was partially derived from XMEN I just feel like it’s like has to be said like I’m so much, uh, so not, not necessarily within my business with highly sensitive people, but within my business when I worked with children, it’s very much about xmen and I’ve always been obsessed with movies and I am such a Scifi nerd.

Ashley:, 00:17:11

Me too!

Amber:, 00:17:11

Oh my gosh, like, that makes me so happy. We’re talking after this video is over. I have so few people to talk about this with. There’s no one who can like chat with me about scifi.

Ashley:, 00:17:43

So what it was going to say is with children, um, there is a access consciousness is a, um, a modality that I’ve been teaching cl@$$es and I have certifications with them have been a student and teacher of their modality for close to a decade now and then they were able to whole section within their business, um, called Xmen and it’s about kids with add, Adhd, OCD and autism. Really, it’s about all of us who are even grown up Kids who function differently, which is truly highly sensitive person. We are genetically different as well. So we fit into that. Even though we might not be OCD, although that might be something that surfaces if you know, you’re highly sensitive self isn’t being nurtured in here, the tools aren’t put into place. I have, I have ocd tendencies that come out sometimes. OCD is really highly aware of people, you know, that’s, that’s an effort for us to really, um, uh, organize, you know, the awareness that we have.

Ashley:, 00:17:53

But I think it’s so cool that sensitive bad @$$ is derived from Eczema because it’s just so in alignment and there’s such a consciousness about what you’re doing or other people are doing and how we’re all working together in this harmonious way. I’m just looking from this bigger picture and seeing how, how so many of us are coming, you know, to support people from different angles and we share the same idea. You know, it’s cool. So I hope you all were able to follow along with what I just said because I had a little bit of a tangent, but it’s just so exciting to me that there’s so much support out there for all of you and I. So dig it, because you can use your sensitivity as a weakness or a superpower and it’s much race which way you’d like to pivot and it’s truly possible to be unstoppable. Just like Amber said. Ah, thank you. Thank you. So as I am thinking about this and talking about this, I’m reminded how many people hate having thin skin. They hate it and I have a lot of people who come up to me and they’re super uncomfortable with it and I’m wondering because I know that this is something that you really eloquently speak on. How can you help people to begin to love the skin they are in?

Ashley:, 00:18:54

I adore this question because it’s really the crux of the work that I do and it’s kind of a multifaceted answer. So, um, um, I think the first thing is we really have to, as sensitive start to look at the stories that we grew up with and what I mean by stories as the things that we hold ourselves, the, the messages that we took in from the world around us. Um, right? Because if we’re operating out of a place of feeling like we’re too much or that we make people uncomfortable with our emotions are born alone or misunderstood, all of those are really disempowering place and of course you’re gonna that, that. But does that feel good to feel like that? But in order to start shifting that, it’s really important to look back on, you know, where did those waves come from? Who told you that?

Amber:, 00:20:11

What did you tell yourself as an adult now to be like, do I really still believe this? Do I really want to believe these things? You know, how is this making me feel as this how I want to relate to myself? And I always tell people like, you can be mad about it. You can kick and scream, you know, if you’re in a place where you don’t want to be sensitive, OK, be pissed about it, but it’s not going anywhere. So you can either stay in a place of being upset and mad about it. And I’m not saying those feelings aren’t valid because they are. Because there are a lot of challenges that come with being sensitive. But you’ll never open yourself up to the true gifts of it unless you’re willing to surrender to it and say, OK, this is the way I am now.

Amber:, 00:21:02

What can I do about that? How can I make that work for me and not against me? And then that’s when you really start to look at how does your sensitivity surgery, because we’re so used to often when we grow up being told all these messages, of course we’re always looking for the negative, right? Like, Oh yeah, that’s another assignment. I’m too sensitive. Oh yeah, that’s the only thing I hate about it, but we really have to start to retrain our brands, to look for the positive and to really start to change our viewpoint on it. So, you know, I’m willing to bet that those of you listening are amazing friends. A lot of you are probably incredible artists. You get moved to tears by movies. I’m all of these really beautiful aspects of being sensitive to start really paying attention to those. And I often encourage people to keep a list in the beginning because we want to start shifting that focus from the negative to the positive to see the goodness in it, and then you really want to start to look at your lifestyle, you know, because a lot of the reason why we hate having a thin skin is because we’re trying to live from a place of not having a thin skin and that doesn’t work and our society unfortunately is not set up in the favor of highly sensitive people, but we feel like, well, it is what it is we need to fit in.

Amber:, 00:21:42

So we push ourselves beyond our capacity. We put ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable. We are trying to literally change who we are to belong and that doesn’t feel good and so there is another way. It’s not easy, but there is another way to adapt the way that you’re relating to yourself, adapt the choices that you’re making in your life so that you can start to feel better as a sensitive soul in this world and actually start to thrive. Yes, it will be different. Not everybody will understand, but when you can let that go and again that comes back to the surrender and then really start to change the way that you look at things that it’s like. I mean, now, I mean, do I still struggle against? Of course there’s things that are hard, but I wouldn’t change my thin skin for the world. I love being thin skinned person. I think it’s really special and beautiful and amazing, but I make sure that I protect myself and take really good care of myself and live in a way that supports my skin.

Amber:, 00:22:55

I love that. You know, and also used a couple of words that I think everything you’re saying ties into everything else you’re saying. You know, it’s all supportive of one another and off camera. One of the things I was complimenting Amber on is how she shared some vulnerability on an experience that had happened and basically someone said something unkind. It was upsetting as a highly sensitive person and then, you know, she turned it around as a positive basically and use it for her instead of against her. And what I think now that I’m hearing you speak, what partially that it illustrates is that that is unstoppable. You know, you’re talking about it’s possible to get to place where you can be a sensitive bad @$$ that’s unstoppable. And it doesn’t mean we don’t fall down. It means that we’re always willing to turn it around in our favor to work for us instead of against us. Do you agree?

Ashley:, 00:23:49

Absolutely. Absolutely. Because that’s the thing is it’s the way your mind works genetically, the way that our brains are wired. That’s not gonna Change. What can change is what you do about it and how you relate to it. And that’s where your power comes in. That’s where you’re not going to sit there and be like, I don’t like this. I’m a victim of this. Um, but to really say, OK, how can I make this? How can I turn this around? How can I make this work for me? Um, and that’s really where the confidence and the strength starts to come in.

Amber:, 00:24:48

And I hear you asking me these questions and I’m really big into questions to how you’re sort of reframing things and changing the direction. And what I hear a lot of times is that people will ask those questions. They feel like they’re using the tool that they don’t trust the information they’re receiving. So I’m wondering if you have any tools to help sensitive people start to reconnect with their truth as a sensitive.

Ashley:, 00:25:18

Yes, yes. This is so, so important because, you know, we’re, we’re so very often when we grow up sensitive, when we’ve had negative messages around it, we do. We do become disconnected from ourselves because to be able to try to tough enough, um, we have to disconnect from ourselves. We have to try and disconnect from our larger feelings. And when we’re disconnecting from our feelings were disconnecting from the core of who we are. And when we let the messages of the world take over will no longer listening to our own inner voice. You know, your inner guidance, your inner child, your soul, what are you going to call it? Whatever resonates with you. But that voice that is you is very soft usually in the beginning until you’ve strengthen your relationship with it. And so when I, you know, explain this concept I like to talk about, think about your relationship with yourself, the way you would treat a relationship with anybody else, like relationships, take time.

Amber:, 00:25:42

They take a touch in an energy and nurturing. You have to get to know people have to put effort into that relationship. But how often do we think of that in regards ourselves? But when you can start to do that, it’s really a process of like getting to know yourself all over again and, and, and the way you know, to start with that is spend time with yourself alone. Journaling is amazing. Journalist was having a conversation with yourself, um, you know, meditating, walking in nature. Really what you’re doing is decreasing the stimuli, decreasing the noise of the world around you so that you can start to hear what’s going on in here. Because the first step is being able to share it, right? And also not letting anybody talk you out of your experience. Because that was the other thing that happens so often is that people will tell you you’re overreacting.

Amber:, 00:26:33

What that means is that your experience is invalid. And so we do that to ourselves if we do that to her. So we were like, oh, I must be overreacting, but to start trusting that your experience, I don’t care if nobody else understands it or if nobody else thinks it’s right or wrong or whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s your experience and it’s your feelings. So to really start paying attention to am I invalidating myself, um, and am I spending enough time with myself to be able to hear my own voice? And that starts to like rebuild that bridge to the true you. And then over time you will start to experience that. That is something that you can trust, that it does start to get better. Um, it’s, it’s really, you know, emotional wellness, a, I like to think of it like a muscle. It’s like when you first started doing it, it’s going to be hard and you might have like a one pound weight and then later it’s a 20 pound weight, right? So it’s your building, you’re rebuilding those connections yourself and really making that commitment to your truth. Um, and it’s, you know, it can take some time but, but the willingness is the biggest first step is just being willing to go there.

Amber:, 00:27:22

Absolutely. Do you find that it’s because I agree with you completely exit out sort of persistence using the tools to get through the discomfort into that wrath of, I want to say fresh air. I don’t know why I’m saying that specific phrase, but it’s like there is, you know, a brighter tomorrow if you’re willing to get through that. The challenges of, of sensually, you know, putting. I guess my question to you is just, you know, do you find that, are you getting people having a lot of resistance on continuing to use it to. A lot of people tell me they drop off, you know, keep up during the tools because it’s uncomfortable and they sometimes can’t see beyond it. So can you talk just a little bit about that for a minute?

Ashley:, 00:28:36

Yeah, of course. And it’s true and I haven’t experienced that in, in the beginning because it’s like anything, it’s a learning her shift and it’s going to be uncomfortable in the beginning, you know? Um, and so I think that I, I think that’s a really normal reaction. What he wants to be uncomfortable. That’s what, that’s why we’ve been trying to toughen up riots. But I think it’s really important for people to themselves. Would I rather be uncomfortable now as I get through this transition so that I can then feel better? Or do I want to continue on? Like, like how has it been working for you so far? You know, you’re obviously uncomfortable because you hate the thin skin that you’re your end as you’re in that place. So yes, there will be some discomfort in kind of shifting the way that you relate to yourself and how you conduct your life that’s temporary.

Amber:, 00:29:16

And what’s on the other side of that is this deep connection to yourself, you know, confidence and strength and ability to really, really thrive. And so I always try to remind like my clients, for example, when they’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable, this is not working, I’m like, do you know how much it sucks to walk into a gym when you haven’t been there in six months? I only did that analogy because it really isn’t. It’s tough in the beginning, but then it’s like the snowball. It’s like you’re pushing it up the hill and that will keep going, keep going because you’re about to get to the top of the hill and it’s just going to be smooth. I mean, it’s not always smooth sailing. But. And the other thing, what I think is really important is yes, we want to look at the big picture because we want to be motivated and inspired of what we’re working towards.

Amber:, 00:30:10

But to celebrate the little victories along the way because it does take time to make these changes. It just does, especially as sensitive people. It takes us longer to process things and kind of integrate them into our nervous system. And so to be able to start breaking things down and celebrating all the little mini goals along the way. So that you don’t get stuck in that place of, Oh my God, why is this taking so long or this isn’t working or it still feels bad, but let yourself be proud of how far you’ve come and the things that are working right now and that can help to ease some of that discomfort.

Amber:, 00:30:54

I love that you’ve mentioned a couple times to really take note of it along the way or or actually write it down like how you said in the beginning when you’re working with people, you say, write down those beautiful gifts that you have to allow yourself to start looking at what is working about your thin skin? What is working? What is it gift about you being highly sensitive and so you know one thing that’s coming to mind as you’re talking about this,

Ashley:, 00:31:28

you forget about going to the gym. Have you ever lost and amount of weight and the person who either lives with your sees you every day, doesn’t it? He doesn’t

Amber:, 00:31:52

really notice, but the person that you see after two months, they’re like, whoa, look how different it is. You don’t even really notice because you’re in your body or you know, you’re in it, you’re seeing it every day in the little shifts. It’s Kinda like what’s happening with this emotional wellness journey. Huge step. But if no one else, you know, um, if you’re not getting feedback along the way, if you’re, you know, it’s not as obvious to other people. You’re writing it down. We can look back at how far you’ve come. You know, I just think it’s so awesome that you suggest that to people because even I sometimes don’t always acknowledge change that has happened because I just keep going and not much has changed. But truly then someone will come in and say, oh my gosh, everything is so different. This is amazing and I didn’t even realize.

Ashley:, 00:32:01

So I love the idea of putting those markers down and reminding yourself and, and acknowledging change is so important. I really agree with that as well. So. Cool. Thank you for that question that I wanted to ask you and I sort of feel like we’ve already touched on this. I’m still going to ask you and just see if it goes somewhere else, but I know you and I are really into talking about her sensitivity as a superpower. I always like to say highly sensitive people are, in my opinion, highly aware. And so I’m wondering if you can talk a little bit about how you have seen where self new sensitivity as a superpower or any examples of how sensitive it truly is a superpower to illustrate to everybody who’s listening?

Ashley:, 00:32:50

Yeah. Um, I mean, you know, if you think about it, it’s like we have this essence. It is, we have this capacity to tap into whether it’s visually or emotionally or energetically things that other people don’t see or like you said, it’s awareness. It’s things that other people don’t pick up on. Um, and, and not only to tap into those things, but to really process them at a very deep level. And I think that’s an ability, right? That eighty percent of the population does not have. So that in and of itself makes it really cool. Is like a special. It’s back to the xmen, like, you know, we’re wired differently. It’s cool. Um, but beyond that, the thing that I feel is really the most important for me and what I really see in other people is that because we are aware of so many things because we see so much at, because we process it on a deep level, all of us are driven to make a change in this world, to give back, to help, to heal, to fix.

Amber:, 00:33:37

We are able to see the dark places of the world. And sometimes that was what makes it very challenging to be a sensitive person. Um, because it’s painful to see those things and feel those things. But because of that it gives us the motivation on the push and the drive and the ability to see what’s broken and what needs to be healed, what needs to be fixed. And I think, you know, if anything is a superhero power, it’s the ability to hone in on what needs to be fixed and what needs to be done to fix it or heal it or amend it or whatever that is. And so when you start to look at it that way, it’s like, that’s so cool. That’s so cool. And the world needs that so deeply because there’s a lot of people in my opinion that are sleepwalking through life that are kind of walking around with blinders on or headphones or just not our. Yeah. And like our capacity to just like look at these things and then, and then feel them so deeply is really beautiful. And I think it’s magical.

Amber:, 00:34:42

It is and I feel like I see a lot of magic in life that a lot of people might not notice because I’m looking for it. And that’s just like what you’re talking about. It’s like shifting the focus to look for the magic, the magic in life. And you know, I’m not talking about magic with one. I’m talking about like, you know, universal consciousness, the unseen world that is so obvious to us as highly sensitive people. And there’s two things that just came up as you were talking that I wanted to address. You said eighty percent now, not everybody listening, you know, because he might have people who don’t know either of us who are tuning in to this.

Ashley:, 00:35:42

So highly sensitive people make up 20 percent of the population. So the other eighty percent of the world does not have this genetic trait that we have. So that’s what I was referring to, you know? Yes, yes, yes.

Amber:, 00:36:18

47 Million people in America alone are considered highly sensitive people. Equally male. Yeah. I wouldn’t have guessed. And it’s equally animals to 20 percent of the animals are highly sensitive wire to. It’s just the most fascinating stuff and people think they’re alone. You know, we thought we were loaned to you know, and, and now you know, you’re part of our tribe, both of us. You’re part of our tribe, you know. We think it’s cool to be Highly Sensitive. We think it’s fun and magical.

Ashley:, 00:36:36

The other thing you just mentioned is how we see the darkness in life and the darkness in his situation. So we see things that are perceived as broken. Right. And so I also have found an I could bet a lot of money. You’ve seen it a lot too, is that a lot of highly-sensitive people are really prone to being tormented with skills and there are shameful situations. A lot of us, like you said, you are very, I’m prone to being bullied, you know, that’s a very common thing with highly sensitive people. And um, I’m wondering if you have any tools or suggestions or to support for people who are struggling to get rid of guilt.

Amber:, 00:36:36

Yes, absolutely. And this is so important because I think it’s pretty universal for, for us, his peace to have that sort of guilt and shame. And a lot of it I’ve found comes from, you know, we’re natural people pleasers, right? Because we are so tuned in to everything everybody else is feeling where like, I can feel that your sound, let me help you. You know, it’s just, it’s our natural inclination to want to be there for other people. Now the shadow side of that is that oftentimes we completely turn our backs on ourselves in that process and it can get to the point where we feel guilty doing anything for ourselves. We feel guilty receiving compliments. We feel so much guilt and we’re so, and it creates a really vicious shame cycle. Um, excuse me. And so one of the things that worked for and that I seen help with a lot of my clients as well is when you’re feeling that guilt, right, you want to tap into it and be like, what am I telling myself?

Amber:, 00:37:49

And this comes back to awareness and really paying attention. We’re so outward focused. We pay attention to so many things around us. But to start really cultivating, um, you know, being aware of what’s going on in here in your heart and in your head. And so what is the story that you’re telling yourself about that guilt? Why are you feeling guilty? And then I always say to people, and everyone hates this question, but it’s very powerful. I say, what would you say to a friend who was telling you the same thing that you’re telling yourself? Right? Because the follow-up question to that is, you know, I’m sure everybody, like, especially less loving, compassionate HSP’s. We’d be like, oh my God. I would tell her not to feel guilty. And then you know, they don’t see yourself like, yeah, until then my follow-up question is why do you deserve any different?

Amber:, 00:38:45

Because that really gets to the core of where the guilt is because at most of that guilt comes from that deep internal sense of being flawed that we’ve been carrying around since we were children. And so we really want to start to shine a light on that and be like, where did that come from? Why is it that I think that I don’t deserve the lung fashion that I freely give to everybody else? And the other thing that’s helpful to remember is, you know, I used to feel when I was growing up that if I did anything for myself, if I gave to myself in any capacity that was taking away from my ability to help and give to others. And you’re not alone with a lot of people feel that. But the fact is two things here, one that there’s no limit to your love.

Amber:, 00:39:35

There’s just no limit to your love. You can love yourself and still love the crap out of everybody else. Like that’s not how it works. It’s, it’s limitless and the other thing is that if you’re not taking care of and if your needs aren’t met, and if you’re not connecting with your inner self and really focusing on your own emotional wellness, your capacity to be there for others, it’s going to be diminished. And so if it’s at your heart, like most HSP’s what you want most is to do something to help this world. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to show up at your fullest capacity. And so that’s a really good thing to pay attention to you as well when the guilt comes up, um, because I can help to kind of soften that resistance that we experience when we try to give something to ourselves.

Amber:, 00:40:13

And then once you get to the place where you are able to kind of move through that guilt and start taking care of yourself better, you can start to see the evidence. When you’re in that filled that place and when you’re really taken care of, then you’re really on fire. Then you can do whatever you know.

Amber:, 00:40:57

That’s such an important message. And truly I hear so many people have that dichotomy of, you know, that there’s only so much to give. I can’t exactly. I’m not even going to try to reiterate, you said it, and I hear that so much and I love the way that you’re adjusted because it’s so, so true.

Ashley:, 00:41:14

There’s an abundance of what you can offer and you do need to fill up your tank first. So super, super important message. I am feeling drawn to kind of move in a different direction. And so there’s something I had asked Amber if it was okay to chat about this before we to it. Not that it’s secret or anything, but yeah, we’re like open books. I mean you guys know so much about us. All right? So we both have partners that are not highly sensitive people, right? I, you know, Amber is about to get married. Yes. And I’ve been with my husband for a long time as well and he’s not a highly sensitive person. And I remember that phone call that we had two years ago, our first time meeting. That was another touchpoint of a similarity that we had and we both know it was just, it’s such an interesting thing to have a relationship function. Well, and I know that you’ve been with your county for over 10 years, right? And I’ve been married this year, it’ll be 10 years, so, and I’ve been with them for like whatever longer, but um, but yeah, like we’ve made it work for a really long time and it’s working well. Obviously you’re, you’re gonna marry him.

Ashley:, 00:41:34

But I would love if you can talk a little bit about that because I find that people are so interested in hearing about the relationship between the highly sensitive person in a non highly sensitive person. He’d remember have to sort of teach him how to be with you?

Ashley:, 00:42:46

Yes! It was kind of in the beginning. It was, it was really difficult. We had a really turbulent relationship when we first got together and that was for a lot of reasons, but I mean that was 10 years ago, like I was still really still working on it. I’m always working out myself that, that work is never done. Um, but I was still kind of figuring out my own relationship sensitivity. Yeah, figuring out how that was gonna look for me and what I really felt about things and, and so it was hard for me at that point in time to communicate my knees. But as time went on and we both kind of grew up together to essentially over the last seven years, um, I was really able to start to articulate what it was that I needed. And also, um, you know, he, he was open to hearing it.

Amber:, 00:43:03

I mean, I’m not saying it was all smooth sailing, but it, I was able to communicate it to him in a way where he was able to start to see the way that I, I just, my needs were different. That’s the thing. Our needs are different. And so, you know, and because he has a bit more of a scientific mind, I sent him several articles from like psychology today, a couple of articles that Elaine Aron had written that really got into the mirror neurons and all the funky like scientists, how our brains are wired differently. And for him, that really kind of clicked because he was able to understand that like I am, I can’t change that about myself. I just, I’m going to experience things differently. And it’s, I think too, what’s really helpful is, um, have you ever read the four or the love languages book?

Amber:, 00:43:49

Love that book. I am going to reach out and interview that person to recommend it to everyone. Yes. Because I love that book! Yes.

Ashley:, 00:44:42

Yes. I think they do such. It’s explained to so well in that book. And I think that applies. So for any of you listening is struggling in a relationship get the book,

Amber:, 00:44:51

There’s a free quiz right on the website too. You can start there.

Ashley:, 00:45:01

Yeah. And basically what it’s about is that people show their love and receive love in different ways and it’s just a really beautiful way that they put it. That can take two people who you know, let’s say, for example, my love language is words of affirmation, which means that I feel most loved when I am getting affirming words. But let’s say my partner’s love language is touch. So he feels most loved when it’s like, you know, cuddling and physical touch that, but most people show their love with their own love language, so I’m going to be sharing him with words of affirmation. That’s not what he needs or wants. Well, once you can have that conversation with your partner and it really applies to being highly sensitive because our needs are different, certain things are going to trigger us and we need more time and if you could have a really open conversation about that and both parties are willing to be able to see through the other person’s eyes, which from a sensitive is pretty easy and you can have that awareness in your relationship and really pay attention to what your partner needs.

Amber:, 00:45:05

And I think that that’s what makes it work. You need to have your own awareness if your needs the confidence and strength to be able to articulate your needs, but then also have a partner who’s open to having that conversation and being willing to understand that you’re coming from a different place.

Amber:, 00:46:11

It’s so funny because you’ll, if you watch any, any interviews where people have interviewed me, I bring up that book I talk about it! Just like, it’s just so funny to me. I’m so glad that we’re chatting right now. This is going to be so funny for people who have been, you know, along on the journey with me for years. They’re going to be like “twinning”. Funny. Awesome. I love it. I so, so, so great. I’m wondering if you could also, because they think that one of the things I really love offering is like super, super practical tips. The book super practical obviously, but like a phrase or a sentence or something. People can, let’s say someone’s in a relationship with a non highly sensitive person. What’s something they can go home and say to their partner to have even just a little bit more ease right away?

Ashley:, 00:46:29

That’s a great question. I think that, you know, if you sit your partner down and phrasing it like, hey listen, um, and it depends on it. Do they know you’re sensitive, or not, but whatever, but just say, you know, this isn’t part of myself that I’m working on accepting more. I would really love your support both for me and the health of our relationship or as I’m trying to understand this part of myself for you to be able to understand it too because I do see things differently and I want you to know that about me so bad. Our relationship can work better and can thrive and sometimes people will feel on the defensive if they think that they, um, are being accused of not caring or, or if they feel like a lot of times the unknown is very uncomfortable to us and so people can get triggered by that. So rather than saying, hey, there’s this thing about me and you need to learn about any of you would approach it that way, but just to kind of, you know, phrase it as like, listen, this is for both of us, you know, and, and just say because

Amber:, 00:47:21

particularly women’s who I think we want to help, we want to support. And so if you’re saying to your partner, man, woman, whatever you’re saying to your partner, like, I could really use your support in me appreciating this part of myself, right? It can kind of, have a different motivation there. And a lot of times that removes some of the things that might trigger your partner, you know, um, for them to be able to be like, oh, of course I’ll help you with like, I want to help you. And it really is for, for both of you, because if they’re not understanding how you see the world, how you experience the world and how you process feelings, it’s going to be tough for you guys to stay close and to stay connected.

Amber:, 00:48:29

That’s amazing. Love that. Um, and for all of you that are listening, I transcribe all of my videos. So the transcription of this, if you’re wanting to get that exact, you know, couple of sentences, the phrases that Amber just shared with you, you know, head over to my blog and right below the video on the blog page, all that amber, um, you’ll be able to actually pull that out. If that’s helpful for you, because I know sometimes people will like rewind, play, rewind, I did the transcription, so just, you know, head over to my website, the transcriptions right below, so it’ll be there if that’s helpful. Um, you know, and again, I’m gonna I’m going to shift gears just a little bit and you know, one of the other things I would really like to address while I have you here is I know you and I both really love social media and we love beautiful graphics, you know, we like presenting ourselves in a certain way and we’re also checking out a lot of other people.

Ashley:, 00:49:11

And so the reason I’m, I’m, I’m starting at like that is because I have a lot of people will come up to me and they’re really caught in comparison mode and I bring up social media because I think it’s the very biggest place of comparison. And oftentimes, you know, just like the theme of things, you know, we’ve been talking about it can be used, you know, as, um, something to strengthen you or something, you know, that is a downfall, you know, that can be. Anyway, a lot of people who come to me, they’re in lack mode because of comparison. So can you speak to those people who are constantly constantly comparing and feeling in lack?

Ashley:, 00:50:12

Yeah, yeah. The age of social media has brought us so much, but it really, um, I think has very much, um, what I’m looking for. It’s really contributed to this comparisonitis that a lot of us struggle with because a lot of people on social media, of course we put our best foot forward. But what that can lead to is believing everything that you see on social media thinking when people have these perfect lives and they’re only showing you the good parts of things. Some people, not all of us, but um, it can be really hard not to get caught in that mode of comparison. And why don’t I have what they have or why can’t I do what they do? Or why don’t they look like they were all these sorts of things. Just being a human being, when we’re sensitive, it’s even harder because a, we’re like seeing things more or where all the little details of what everybody’s doing online.

Amber:, 00:50:50

We also tend to be extra hard on ourselves because we have that sense of being flawed or at least you know earlier on before and playing a lot of these tools. And so I think it’s important to remember that we don’t like if everybody was the same, if we all looked the same to the same, we all have the same gifts. This, this world would be so boring and I always try and reminds people like I consider myself to be kind of weird. I’ve always been a just different and. I used to hate that about myself and now I’m like, I think it’s awesome that I’m weird. Like be weird, like the weird girl, you know, like accept your differences and your quirks and even your flaws. All of that is there for a reason. It’s all part of the package that is you. If you can take a step back from the comparisonitis I do recommend social media breaks on the regular, even though I run an online business, I think is very important for us as sensitive as to tone down the stimuli and give ourselves time to ground and just connect with this.

Amber:, 00:51:40

But also, you know, um, so you compare yourself to yourself. They compare yourself to yourself. What is it that it’s, it’s fine to get inspiration from other people. It’s fine to be like, oh, I’m on what they have. There’s nothing wrong with that, but use that to motivate you to set more goals for yourself to, to move forward rather than using it as a [inaudible]. Beat yourself up and say that you’re not good enough. It’s shifting the focus. I still find myself comparing myself to people sometimes, but I catch it and I’m like, OK, I see what I’m doing. How can I turn this around? So it’s not that that part will go away or lessen as you do this work and become more confident in what you do with it that matters, you know? And again, ask, how is this serving me to sit here and beat myself up over looking at all these other people? Is that going to take me any closer to feeling better? Is that going to help me move closer to meeting my goals? You know, to shift that energy that you’re putting into this comparison of being like, OK, I won’t what that person has. So what’s one step I can take today to start going towards that? But also to celebrate what you already have.

Amber:, 00:52:43

that’s so true. And again, it’s like go back to what you’ve written down. You just, when you start comparing yourself, go back to those notes that amber’s suggestion of all of the things that are so awesome about having fun and being a highly sensitive Bad@$$, you know, sensitive bad @$$ and look at those things, especially when you’re in comparison mode and, and reframe your mindset to those things. Because I so agree. And the other thing I love that Amber was saying is it’s nothing we don’t get into comparison mode, but we catch it fast and we, you know, um, redirect it. And so I have found with everybody who implements tools is that you get faster and faster at catching it and essentially the cool thing is that will happen in the future for you as you’ll see it before it happens.

Ashley:, 00:53:57

It’s so cool. And that, that can happen with guilt too. Like you can see people like about to guilt you and you can see it and you’re like, oh, I’m just going to let that pass me. work on it. So this is so cool. I love that feedback. Thank you for that.

Ashley:, 00:54:46

Yeah,

Amber:, 00:54:46

we’re Kinda, I, I told him, I was like, you should say I try to keep these a little shorter but we were sort of getting near the end and they have just a couple more questions because I just want to chat more with Amber So my question for you, amber, is what’s the best piece of advice that you have for people who are struggling and really want to create greater success?

Ashley:, 00:55:02

The best piece of advice, and I touched on this before, is the best thing that you can do for yourself is get to know yourself, connect with and make, make your self care time like a priority. You know, I talk about emotional wellness and I call it emotional hygiene, so like we prioritize brushing our teeth and washing our face, right? Especially for those of us who are sensitive. Connecting within and taking care of ourselves is just as important because when you do that, when you start to trust your own experiences, trust your gut, a have that solid connection to your inner guide that is going to be your compass for everything in life and that’s your, that’s your rock, that’s really building strong roots and when you can build a strong roots and build that foundation of like having home and having safety within you and everything else can come from that place. Coming back home to yourself as much as possible, I think that that will, that will change everything in your life

Amber:, 00:55:27

Coming back home to yourself. Love that. Amber, what does your dream look like for a better future for highly sensitive people?

Ashley:, 00:56:30

So part of my work aside from, you know, helping people one on one and my coaching business is, like I said, really shifting the narrative in our culture around being sensitive. I think the way that we do that is the more that we as highly sensitive people stand up for ourselves, take care of ourselves and are proud of ourselves for who we are, the more that that narrative is going to start to shift. And so it’s one person at a time, but it’s really becoming a bigger movement of changing how our society, particularly within the United States, looks at sensitivity. Um, so that other people can start to see it for the gift that it is too. Because it’s heartbreaking to me that there’s so many amazing sensitive people out there who are just held back by the idea that there’s somehow flawed or wrong. And think of the change that it could make in the world.

Amber:, 00:56:43

If all of these people had this confidence and we’re really set free to be who they are and do what they do best. Which is really making powerful, positive change, you know, is I feel like we are here on purpose. You know, you mentioned earlier that it’s not just humans as animals that have this highly sensitive trait to it’s not an accident. It’s truly a divine gift. And so I, I want every sensitive person, you know, my, my huge goal is for people just to start to feel more empowered to be who they are and to really go out there and do what they do best and to be free to be themselves.

Amber:, 00:57:29

So agree. That’s amazing. Together we will do this together.

Ashley:, 00:58:06

OK,

Amber:, 00:58:10

so in a moment I’m going to ask you to share with everyone how they can stay in touch with you. But first I would love if you could share a word of encouragement to the viewers that are struggling right now and desire something more.

Ashley:, 00:58:13

Don’t give up like I am a testament to the fact that you can come from a very dark place where you don’t have a lot of support, where you’re really struggling, where you maybe don’t like yourself, have destructive coping mechanisms that you can come from that place and you really, truly can rise from the ashes as possible for everybody. So do not give up on yourself because you are here on purpose. We’re here for a reason and this world really, really needs you. And so just believe, reached out for help, you know, seek out resources, start connecting within asking for what you need and take care of yourself because it does get better. It will get better. And all that you need is a willingness to be there for yourself and show up for yourself.

Amber:, 00:58:27

Yes, yes, yes. Amazing. I so agree. OK, so you remember, um, please share with the how they can learn more about you and, um, how they can learn about the work that you’re doing.

Ashley:, 00:59:11

Yes. So, uh, you can visit my website. It is AmberRochelle.com . Um, so that’s kind of the hub of all of my goings on and I am on Facebook and Instagram, as Ms Amber Rochelle and I do have a free course as well called All The Feels, which is really a crash course on emotional overwhelm and Ashley, we’ll put the link to that as well. And then I have a Facebook group called the super-sensitive is, which is a really, really awesome, supportive community of other sensitive people from all over the world. So any of those venues are really great way to kind of follow what I’m doing, see what I’m up to and what I’ve got coming out in the next couple of months, which is lots some cool stuff is cutting so excited and you know, if, if you have any questions for me after watching this, you can also email me. Amber@amberrochelle.com I love to hear from people. So.

Amber:, 00:59:27

Awesome. Yes. Well I hope that you all will take the next steps with Amber and reach out to her and of course comments under this and both of us will reply as well. So you can get involved in the conversation in many different ways and be sure to subscribe to the series so that you can get updates when we have other guests as well. And thank you all for joining us and a big, big, big thank you for uh, thank you to Amber for a sharing all this amazing knowledge, encouragement, wisdom, and super, super aligned, highly sensitive person knowledge. Thank you amber.

Ashley:, 01:00:20

Thank you so much. This was a blast and I’m just so happy I got to come on and I feel like we could have talked for like four hours.

Amber:, 01:00:55

I know! Let’s do this again! Let us know in the comments below if you want us to do this again, so much more we could share, it’d be so much fun. Awesome. All right. See everyone in the next video. Take care. Bye.

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Ashley Stamatinos is a five-time #1bestselling author with over 10 years of experience helping Highly Sensitive People. She has also been referred to as the Empath Expert because of her extensive work helping people to stop living in survival mode, and step into thriving in all areas of life.