Many people can only see what they see with their eyes. I spent this weekend at a guided retreat learning to create a vision for my future self with my heart, my intuition, and my imagination. And we set the prophecy in motion. Along with my husband and 12 new friends, I invested the 2 days reflecting on how satisfied I am with various aspects of my life, and what it will take to be fully satisfied – 10 out of 10 – in each area. We even had the privilege of having a skilled voice and presentation coach teach us to state our declarations with confidence. We listened, talked, laughed, cried, and enjoyed quiet time working together as we embraced the power to create a new reality.

We learned to seek and welcome our truest longings and desires.

I declared my vision in front of everyone: I give time for deeper connections with friends and family, and am taking my distinctive message of healing for families and shining it out farther into the world. Other participants developed inspired visions for starting fulfilling relationships, enhancing personal wellness, connecting more fully with the Divine, and growing lucrative businesses.

All of the clients I coach express dissatisfaction with aspects of family life, parenting, or co-parenting. They share stories of loss, disappointment, grief, anger, and deep sadness. Through compassionate conversations, they quickly find out they have the ability to create big changes in their family life. I generally start my sessions with them by developing clarity on their vision for a more fulfilling reality. We identify goals – the specific experiences and outcomes that define success for them. I call this the “vision of success” which can only be identified by each individual client.

It is such a delight to walk with clients as they shift into creating a new, empowered reality!

What do you want to create in your reality? What is your vision of success in your family, business, any given area of your life? It’s up to you to define, declare, and step into your version of success.

In her January, 2018 article Vision: It’s a Verb!, author Julie Winkle Guilioni writes about the actionable nature of visioning. A vision is something we “do rather than something we have. And when we view it as a verb, we’ll begin to see the vast value the vision can deliver.” Visioning is not only a skill for business leaders as in the context of Ms. Guilioni’s article, it is a life skill for individuals, families, communities, and anyone seeking to impact change.

When a vision is a representation of a belief, complete with the excitement of seeing it become reality, the vision is simply a reality waiting to come into view.

Your affirmations state that which you intend to create. Dream. Declare. Deliver!

Affirmation for today: I am the creator of my reality. I create with confidence and clarity, and my actions serve to bring my vision to life.

Let me know how I can support you further in developing the vision that will create the life you want.

]]>http://www.thecenterforfamilyresolution.com/need-a-new-vision/feed/0Positivity – And What to Do About the Dark Side?http://www.thecenterforfamilyresolution.com/positivity-and-what-to-do-about-the-dark-side/
http://www.thecenterforfamilyresolution.com/positivity-and-what-to-do-about-the-dark-side/#respondMon, 26 Feb 2018 01:39:26 +0000http://www.thecenterforfamilyresolution.com/?p=427

Positivity - And What to Do About the Dark Side?

Many of you gave feedback that positivity is a meaningful topic and warrants more exploration. I love hearing your stories of how positive words make life go your way, a little at a time.

So, it’s great to be positive, but we face the question of what to do about all the pieces and parts of our day that make us cringe? What about the events, interactions, and moments that take us into dark places? Feelings such as frustration, self-doubt, or humiliation can overshadow the positive in our lives. According to Social Psychologist, Barbara Fredrickson, our human brains are actually wired to have a negativity bias. So how can we maintain a positive outlook? How can we live in a world that generates such a mixed bag of feelings, and choose to flood ourselves with those we call good?

In my pursuit of positivity, I spent most of the first 45 years of my life mistakenly thinking I needed to block out anything other than an upbeat approach to life. I had an unconscious fear that if I entertained dark thoughts, they might overwhelm me with no way to escape. I learned growing up to just “be nice” and appear to be “fine.” During a particularly low time in my adult life, a dear friend gently and persistently coached me to face my fears and peel back the mask I called “fine.” She taught me to allow myself to feel the full range of emotions. I learned my attempts to appear socially acceptable on the outside were not going to sustain me.

So how can we bring down-to-earth positivity into the New Year? How do we meaningfully uplift ourselves, children, partners, neighbors and colleagues as well as everyone we meet?

I was dying on the inside… and finally cracked open to good news!

Occasionally my coach shared poems with me, and I especially liked “The Guest House” by Rumi (13th century Sufi mystic) that reminded me to allow every emotion to come as a “visitor.” The poem encourages readers to “welcome and entertain them all.” I slowly began to peer into “the Dark Side” and allowed myself to feel even the emotions that scared me without so much resistance. What a relief!

Emotions don’t get stuck in your psyche and in your body unless you resist them.
It’s not the circumstances, but the resistance that causes suffering!

I am only an occasional fan of Star Wars thanks to the passion of my 23-year-old son and his wife. But I really like the spiritual references to both sides of The Force. Thanks to my transformational coaching, I now know both: the Light Side of compassion, generosity, and positivity as well as the Dark Side of anger, aggressiveness, and meanness. Would you like a new way to relate to the Dark Side - visiting without getting stuck or lost in low moods, a tanked self-image, or bleak outlook? Can you imagine stepping into the shadows without allowing destructive, futile or apathetic thoughts to take over? How can you engage the full range of emotions without losing positivity?

The answer is to make a conscious shift in where you put your attention.
You can choose to feel the emotions you desire.

In my parent coaching training at The Parent Coaching Institute, founder Gloria DeGaetano taught us “living systems” principles including “what you pay attention to, grows.” Another way of saying this is “energy goes where attention flows.” So, in short:

Allow the dark thoughts and feelings to come … and go …

without focusing or attaching to them.
Intentionally choose the thoughts and feelings that serve you well.

Which feelings do you want to feel? Which ones create the light you want to experience? Turn toward what you DO want such as gratitude, optimism, calm, passion, and worthiness - and the negative will fade. It’s up to you to put your attention on the Light Side.

Affirmation: I live in the Light Side, allowing my attention to flow to positivity.

Let me know how I can support you further in choosing positive thoughts.

Did the Holiday season inspire you? Which did you hear the most – joyful, affirmative statements or cynical, downer comments? As you know, I work with individuals, parents, and families experiencing a great deal of uneasiness or negativity with relationships. It is common for many of my clients to feel down, and even helpless – not able to see a way out of their despair. My hope is for everyone this holiday season to find the path to relief and joy. Powerful, positive words can make this hope a reality.

Too much positivity can come across as annoying or out of touch with reality. Have you ever heard a derogatory reference to someone being a “Pollyanna” who is s out-of-touch because of her incessant propensity for being positive. She was always playing the “glad game” of finding something to appreciate no matter how dire her circumstances. For those of you too young to remember the fictional character Pollyanna, insert Buddy the Elf.

So how can we bring down-to-earth positivity into the New Year? How do we meaningfully uplift ourselves, children, partners, neighbors and colleagues as well as everyone we meet?

For me, thoughtfully chosen words and affirmations to say to myself is the best place to start

One of the favorite Christmas gifts I gave in 2017 is the “I CAN DO IT” calendar of daily affirmations authored by the inspirational writer Louise Hay. Each daily affirmation is an example of thoughts that powerfully invite the most wanted experiences into our lives. I will be using these affirmations to keep positivity integrated into my daily routine in 2018 and beyond.

When you first say an affirmation, it will be like a new pair of jeans that takes a while before you believe the fit is just right. As Louise Hay stated, an affirmation takes some time from the first declaration to the final demonstration.

Are you willing to start the process of being more intentional about what you want to create?

Would you also like to use affirmations as a powerful tool to bring positive change to your world?

Our thoughts – the words in our head - truly paint our day, and saying what we DO want instead of what we DON’T want makes all the difference.

What do you consider to be a good day? Try on an affirmation. Declare, in the present moment, the truth of what you want, such as “I am surrounded with love and laughter,” “my life is orderly,” “I am focused on the right next step in my work,” or “I trust myself to make good decisions.”

My affirmation for you today is:

2018 is a prosperous, safe, and positive year.
With God, I co-create what I want and need every day!

He Said, She Said

I work almost exclusively as a neutral professional, meeting with moms and dads in the throes of co-parenting nightmares. In my line of work as a coach and mediator, “He said, She said” is the norm. So I listen to both sides with curiosity and compassion. And the stories simply don’t line up. Her story revolves around the evidence that he doesn’t care about the messes he makes; his story highlights her being too emotional. He says she badmouths him to the children; she says she is completely innocent.

While many clients expect me to pick a “winner”, they get a very surprising response from me. Thanks to the role-modeling of my dear cousin Luanne and beloved sister-in-law Becky, I am able to hear what is beyond the facts my clients present, and focus on the client’s experience. Luanne and Becky have a way of connecting that makes me feel whole and accepted “as-is, ” freeing me to release my cultural trappings and be authentic. As I listen to clients, my intention is for them to feel fully accepted for their version of the story and whatever it means to them. In other words, both sides are “right” and deserve to have their experiences validated, completely.
No BUT’s.

So what happens to the space in between his story and her story? What if a decision has to be made that can include only one version?

We look not at BUT’s – only AND’s

We often need a little time to hear and process their stories.

Then the magic happens … when seen and heard, people shift, and solutions emerge.

Once my clients have the experience of being validated by someone who matters to them, they realize it is not so important to have the other person’s story line up with theirs. They rely on support from me to find ways to get their needs met even while the other side remains unconvinced of their truth.

Once my clients have the experience of being validated by someone who matters to them, they realize it is not so important to have the other person’s story line up with theirs. They rely on support from me to find ways to get their needs met even while the other side remains unconvinced of their truth.

It is amazing to watch clients turn on the “we don’t have to agree” switch. They realize...

agreement is not the goal – solutions are the goal,

and solutions naturally emerge once people receive the gift of presence and understanding.

Not all my clients develop the talent of listening without requiring agreement. Some aren’t ready.

I’ve been there.

There were conversations I could not have with my husband, Edward, while we were dating. We simply could not tolerate our opposing perspectives. I was too attached to my opinions to listen as he shared his convictions, especially about politics, religion, and lifestyle issues. It’s been a rewarding process to learn to connect without necessarily finding agreement, no matter what the topic. “He said, she said” has brought about immense positive change in both my husband and me. We now engage conversations for the sake of connecting and understanding, and can usually resist the inner tug of wanting to say, “I’m right on this one.” We are both right.

So when my clients insist on agreement with their co-parent, I don’t correct them. I just listen. Solutions will come.

Affirmation: I am free to hold on to my truth and fully listen to the truths of others.