Monday, December 3, 2012

Cry Baby

Let's talk about all the times I cried as a child. Or at least some of them, since I apparently cried a lot. I actually wonder why my parents like me so much.

1. Any time there was a thunderstorm. I used to get scared to the point I would pee my pants and/or throw up. Cute. I used to run around the house asking everyone, "Is it gonna hit?!" Not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it had to do with the potential for death. I also used to write letters to god asking him to stop thunderstorms. Who knew I was so devout?

2. At Belcourt Castle. Apparently, the man who welcomes you into the mansion is not very attractive or something because I screamed at the sight of him and made my dad sit with me in the car until the rest of our family was done with the tour. That must have been a fun day for him.

3. The first time I went to the movie theater. My dad thought it was appropriate to take a 2 year old to see The Bear. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take little girls to see The Little Mermaid or some other Disney shit, not a story about a fucking terrifying grizzly bear. This one I totally blame on my dad. Maybe the mansion thing was revenge.

4. Whenever the trash had to be taken out. I used to have nightmares every night that the garbage man was coming to kidnap me. Every night, I found a new hiding place, but somehow he'd find me. Such an asshole. Finally, after literal years of this, I faced my fears in my dream and ultimately befriended the garbage man. I never had the nightmare again. But I still don't know why I was ever afraid of the garbage man in the first place. Pretty sure my parents brought our trash to the dump themselves.

5. At a Chinese food restaurant. My parents told me we were going to order a pu-pu platter. I interpreted this to mean that we were going to have eat actual poo, as in human feces. I proceeded to cry hysterically, and instead of reassuring me that I would not have to eat shit, my parents kept egging me on because they thought it was funny. I experienced utter turmoil that day. And, as a result, for many many years, I refused to eat Chinese food.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe my parents don't like me so much.