to give a box of maltesers as a birthday present for a 9yo?

DD has a party today at 12. We had planned to go into town to get a present this morning, but she has spent the last two hours in a meltdown, horrible awful screeching and spitting and swearing.

We know it's because she is wound up about the party, it's not a particualr friend of hers but it is someone she looks up to, it's a cool disco party and she's spoken of nothing else for weeks. I'm not going to stop her going to the party, before anyone says that, she is being assessed for a demand avoidance disorder and there is a direct correlation between her excitement and her meltdown.

However, I'm not prepared to rush around now and buy a gift, I've told her she can go to the shop over the road and buy a box of maltesers or similar and wrap those up.

We've had similar gifts at parties (often with a 'sorry, it was last minute' apology) but I am v laid back about presents, I know some people aren't. Woudl you be pissed off or judgy if your DD got a present like that? I dont' know this family at all.

AIBU?

(and yes, I know I should have a box of ready to wrap presents or got something weeks ago but we are just not that organised, sorry)

YANBU. Most kids would like Maltesers, it's fun, it shows some nice effort and most importantly, the child will love them and eat them. Unlike loads of tat (which I admit to giving mainly as I have too little imagination), Maltesers will be used (well, eaten!) so it makes a better gift.

Hi, I was going to message you back but I'll put it here in case it's useful for anyone else.

I went through my GP, who has been fantastic. We saw the paed to start with but he said it's out of his area of expertise so he has referred us to the psychology team at CAHMS, we are now waiting for that appointment.

As far as coping strategies go, it is hard going. Plenty of reassurance and time is the best way to get her to do things, but obviously that's easier said than done a lot of the time. Getting out of the house on time is a flash point.

We've found that what works one day doesn't work the next, it's like constantly hitting a brick wall. She doens't cope with attention, although she craves it. So we'll be sitting with her doing something she wants to do and she'll push and push and push until we're in an argument. Since we;ve identified this it's been easier (a bit!) to distract and cajole her without being suckered into a row.

When she does passive avoidance, like laying on the floor, covering her ears, pretending she;s a cat, the only thing that works is patience, and asking her again just leads to a violent screaming meltdown.

It is so stressful, but she is so wonderful when she's not being an insane nightmare, she's beautiful and sweet and funny and then she just turns into a snarling animal.

Asking for help and being told it's an actual thing was the best thing we ever did as a family. She's the middle child, we have DS1 who's 10 and DS2 is 20 months, so you can imagine how her issues have a knock on effect.

She is violent, yes, horribly so with her older brother and with us, much less with 'outsiders' and so far never with DS2.

She seems to hold it together more at school, she is more passively avoidant rather than flying into a rage. I tend to get the brunt of it when I pick her up <sigh>, as though she's held it in all day.

It's so hard not to feel like a terrible parent when your nine year old is throwing herself to the floor and screaming because you've asked her to clean her teeth before bed, or something equally as innocuous.

And it's exhausting when the strategy that worked like a dream all last week suddenly fails completely and has the opposite effect.

You wouldn't be in awe of me if you saw me screaming back at her though, I'm not always brilliant at the calm and measured approach although I'm trying.