Carpenter Jokes

Two blonde carpenters
were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding
would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either
toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other, figuring
this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
those nails away?"

The first explained,
"If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward
me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward
the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde
got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails
pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side
of the house!"

A carpenter was giving
evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for
the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how
far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied,
"Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come
you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew
sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!"
replied the carpenter.

A construction site
boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy.
The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided
to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer
the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without
getting into an argument.

Second question,
same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a
while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir,"
he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on
earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each
tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty
tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting
worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright,
question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There
ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at
Murphy's attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Murphy,
you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward
and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A
little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've
got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty
tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me
job?

A workman
was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning
a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the
law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They
were a motley crew:

The electrician was
suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought
he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went
to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he
didn't do anything; that he was framed.

The painter had a
brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation
and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was
arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect
because he gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker
is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the
police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed.
The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found
that the workman, when he died, was hammered.