Thursday, 06 December 2007

Lately things have not been so easy. I want to hunker down for the dark season, go into hibernation, gather my strength and nurture my heart. Take all my dream seedlings in from the garden and look them over and take stock of the year, pore over next year's garden catalogs, you know. I've still got heady things to do though - assignments due, clinical hours to attend, exams to study for and practicing to do in-between. Sigh...

Making lists and poring over my calendar is my way of coping - at least I have an overview then. I love lists and on a bad day when in dire need of one I'll put everything on it: prepare supper - tick, tidy up the floor - tick, go for a walk - tick! Few things are more satisfying and justifying for your existence I find - yep, done that and at least one person noticed that it matters.

One reason I need lists and calendars badly is because I'm such an inveterate dreamer, I frankly don't get things done. I need to have it on paper somewhere, something to make it real, make me realise that hey, I can do this and if it's for me - I deserve it. This 101 Things in 1001 Days list I've spent weeks putting together and it's all for me - only things (dreams!) to help me feel good! So yes, I have been poring over next year's garden catalog, though I don't technically have the time for it.

And right now I need it, not to do them now necessarily but to know that I've got all these seeds growing and sprouting underneath the surface, gathering energy and magic, even though I can't tend them for the moment. In the spring there'll be tiny fresh green tips poking out of the soil, but for now they're safely tucked under a layer of leaves, only a few showing above the blanket.

I've put the whole list on a page in my sidebar to keep track and then I'll tell you about each number in a post whenever I've turned that particular challenge into reality. The challenges are of all kinds really, from the small to the down-right scary. I just know I'm going to enjoy this though - it's just what I need. To have an incentive, inspiration and witnesses.

So, by Thursday the 2nd of September 2010 I aim to:

1. Get my acupuncture degree
2. Send three unexpected presents in the post
3. Comment on two new blogs per week for 2 months
4. Move to Devon and nearer the ocean
5. Adopt a rescue lurcher or greyhound
6. Make our porch more homely by planting lavender in big ceramic pots
7. Begin wearing jewellery that makes me feel feminine
8. Create my own Christmas cards
9. Buy a pair of plain, but funky, boots – and wear them
10. Enter one more drawing in Illustration Friday
11. Join a knitting group
12. Do a course in using either Photoshop, Illustrator or other software
13. Sew a linen gypsy/peasant skirt
14. Create my own website and move my blog there
15. Create a Blurb book about Brockwood Park
16. Make a quiche
17. Fill a notebook with things I am grateful for, that make me happy and/or that I wish for daily
18. Get a DSLR camera
19. Set up an Etsy shop with things I have had ideas for
20. Finish one college assignment ahead of deadline
21. Invite three people for dinner, not necessarily all at the same time
22. Visit three British RHS gardens
23. Do a course in realistic drawing
24. Finish three craft projects that I have the material for but not the commitment
25. Do a Reiki course
26. Visit a retirement home as a volunteer once I have a dog for them to stroke
27. Go on a train trip to Scotland
28. Knit a cardigan, with the help of someone
29. Join a yoga or qigong class
30. Plant a vegetable garden, however small
31. Plan and create a surprise for Duncan (Ssh, don’t tell him!)
32. Sew a quilt for our bed
33. Introduce one daily ritual of reflection of some sort
34. Take five photos that are not my ordinary style
35. Order an organic vegetable box delivery
36. Book and treat myself to a massage
37. Get and use a Gocco to print on paper and fabric
38. Have a one-month theme on my blog
39. Take photos of my family during one of my visits home
40. Join another blogger's theme or challenge, at least three times
41. Learn 10 new recipes that are more intricate than my patience normally allows
42. Show 10 drawings, paintings or other artwork on my blog
43. Go through a ritual to become aware of and let go of fears
44. Find a mentor, for my acupuncture practice or life (oh, how I'd love to have that...)
45. Have a garden and plant flowers in colours I love
46. Go for a very early morning walk before work
47. Find and do up a vintage wooden ironing board to inspire my sewing
48. Sew an apron in linen, with a large pocket on the front
49. Take five photos that take courage
50. Call my mum every Thursday for two months
51. Send my grandpa a card for every season in a year
52. Take five photos that tell a story
53. Sew a simple linen dress
54. Come up with one monthly ritual, for the first or last day, and do it for three months
55. Design a pattern to print on fabric
56. Sew a pair of loose trousers
57. Find out how to and begin making photo collages sometimes in my blog
58. Offer my photos for sale as prints, on Etsy or my own webpage
59. Go camping and hiking on the Southwest Coastal Path
60. Join a dance class of some sort, just for the joy of moving, no performing
61. Come up with a tradition of my own for Christmas
62. Sew a bag with real handles
63. Come up with a tradition of my own for celebrating autumn
64. Come up with a tradition of my own for celebrating spring
65. Come up with a tradition of my own for celebrating summer
66. Bring indoors finds of nature for each season of a year and display it
67. Get an inspiration board to have over my desk
68. Find and get a (preferably vintage) wooden, rustic kitchen/dining table
69. Visit an art gallery
70. Create a Blurb book for my dad
71. Get some of Iris Hantverk’s natural brushes and dust-pans
71. Do five pieces of embroidery
72. Create my own Christmas decorations
73. Go for a real picnic with wicker basket, picnic blanket and eat-with-your-fingers-food
74. Sleep outdoors for a night
75. Buy flowers every week for a month
76. Knit a teapot cozy
77. Bring a blanket on a mild night and lie down for some stargazing
78. Call each of my three brothers five times
79. Write ten letters to friends
80. Walk barefoot at least ten times in a summer
81. Watch a summer sunrise
82. Begin singing to myself again
83. Do my I’m-on-my-own-and-I-can-dance-as-I-like routine once per week for two months
84. Create a notebook of poetry and quotes that speak to me (like the one I made in my teens and threw away)
85. Pick up my habit of morning skin brushing and neti cleansing again for a month
86. Gradually save up £1000 for a rainy day
87. Prepare and pack lunch to bring to the school (work) 5 days a week for two months
88. Compile a list of both small, commonplace things and out of the ordinary adventures I can do that make me happy when I need to be reminded
89. Eat one green leafy vegetable at least every other day for a month
90. Take my vitamins every day for a month
91. Imagine and write down all the things I would like in my life, as if I already had it
92. Find and get to know a kindred spirit local to where we will live
93. Walk into a classy shop that intimidates me, try out garments I like as if I belonged in that shop, find something that makes me feel luxurious and elegant and buy the piece of clothing even though the price tag is beyond my usual budget. And feel good about it.
94. Sew a picnic blanket to bring for beach excursions, walks in the woods or packed lunches in city parks
95. Find and gather a collection of beautiful but simple boxes for storing any belongings that don’t have a proper place (I love boxes! And bags. And anything that can hold and organise – well, pockets big or small basically. I don’t have near enough of them)
96. Start up a co-op for sharing deliveries from a healthfood shop
97. Go for at least three train trips to places within an hour from where we live
98. Go to a café on my own, bring a book, a notebook and my camera and just enjoy myself, at least five times
99. Take more (weekly!) baths with lavender oil, nurturing music and a thorough body maintenance including a good scrub
100. Introduce a daily way of relaxing, a time just for me - to let go
101. Go for a walk through the woods every day

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

This little bird has been singing in my ear since I passed him on my way chasing setting sunlight yesterday. I've kept the photo open to look at while doing other things and that little body perched on a twig above has been speaking to me. I love the balance birds have - tail in the air, head tilted, eyes alert, feet gripping the tiny perch below, trusting that it will support them until they fall forward and plunge into flight on those swift little wings. As fleeting and busy their lives are, that brief moment when they alight has so much stillness, peace and purpose to it.

My wishes today:

~ To have more female kindred spirits in my life
~ To be able to give more freely and not be held back by my fear and awkwardness
~ To be able to see the magic in all things great and small
~ To have the courage to see myself for who I am, the challenging but also the wonderful
~ To let myself be, who I am, right now, whether I will change or not

Wishing you light wings, fresh breezes to sail on and soft, safe nests to recover in.

Wednesday, 07 November 2007

The fireplace. We have one in each of our two rooms, neither of them are functional as they were blocked off years ago. I love the old-fashioned intricate design of them though, and the fact that they are central to the room, somehow giving life, warmth and movement even though there is no flames playing around in the black anymore. Mind you, it would have been coal, so more like a flickering, crackling glow spreading. The setting sun does her best, adding her own decorative patterns to the chimney breast.

I was reminded with this picture of a drawing I did for my psychotherapy homework. (I'm intending to put up more of my drawings soon by the way, including this one, but for now I'll have to draw it in words for you) The assignment I was given this time was to picture my house. :) What would your house look like?

I instantly saw a small, white-washed stone house with a thatched roof. I was approaching it from the front, the side facing the street. It had no windows or door facing this way and there was no front yard - no, that's not true, there was a space there but as it was not fenced in and had nothing but gravel I thought of it more as a parking lot. I walked past the side of the house which looked exactly the same, except a thin, overgrown sunflower/calendula was straggling up the wall.

Once I turned the corner however, the view changed completely. Here was a wild, crowded and chaotic garden of lush plants, shrubs and trees, colourful flowers and herbs growing into and over each other, all in a jumble, covering every inch. That delighted me!

The back of the house had two small windows and a door, all very close to the ground due to the low roof but beautiful in their simplicity - worn, sunbleached wood and a humble step of smooth stones. Indoors there wasn't much either, a mattress on the floor, a few books in piles and strewn on the floor. The ceiling was low and not much light found its way in (not surprising with the lack of windows and a jungle stealing any sunshine from the back!). I suppose the most striking thing though, which I hadn't noticed but my therapist pointed out, was that there was no fireplace. There was no source of warmth and no outlet through the ceiling for smoke or air.

As with all the visualisations I was given, this house represented an aspect of me. Each time I was surprised how instantly and effortlessly the images came to my mind, before my logic gave me a prettier, more appropriate picture that I had to disregard. I didn't have time to mentally reason my way to what I must look like inside if I was a house, I just let it come. The imagery is still with me and I still find truths in it, things I hadn't even considered when I first found them.

The deserted front of the house represents to me my preference to ignore whatever is going on around me and immerse myself in my imagination - turning my back to the bustle of the street. The lush overgrown chaos isn't however creating harmony or letting light come through which shows that so far I hadn't quite harnessed that power of imagination to work for me and nothing much was coming to fruition. The barren inside of the house was pretty much how I felt then - the low oppressive ceiling, the lack of light and the need for an outlet upwards. My feelings had nowhere to go. And I didn't have an inner source of warmth and nourishment.

I learnt so much from that. The importance of collecting kindling for inspiration to light, to keep the fire as hot as I could manage, to let the smoke flow (however small and struggling the wisps were to begin with) out the chimney, to begin the arduous, and very real, work of tending seedling dreams into reality before they grow too quickly into fruitless stragglers, plant seeds where I want them in my garden, not just where they haphazardly fall, and gradually, gradually, to turn my house around, put a few windows in facing the street, let some people in and heighten the ceiling.

I'm comfortable in my house now, though I often need a chimney sweep, I'm a lenient gardener and I still seem to spread my books all over the floor.

Monday, 05 November 2007

Yesterday on the train back from college I was thinking I'd quite like to get to know more about the people whose blogs I read, especially Angie at Cozy Nest and there you go, today I learnt a whole lot from this meme she posted. Wow, that was quick! And it was fun doing, would you like to have a go? My answers are kinda long to begin with, but they get shorter, I promise.

Jobs I've Had:

I've never had a regular salary, never been employed full-time, never seen myself as having a proper 'job' really, so I feel a bit of a fraud posting these 'jobs', but here goes:

1. Librarian : my current occupation. I don't get paid for this as I'm officially only a 'mature student' and not employed, but for four hours each morning I take care of the school library, doing everything a librarian would do (I should hope!). For this I get food, accomodation and a place in this community called Brockwood.

2. Gardener : also at Brockwood, a couple of years ago. It was lovely, hands-on and outdoors, but hard work.

3. Carer in a retirement home : I loved this temp-job, adore the old folk and the manual work. It's hard, understaffed and underpaid obviously, but all the hugs, smiles and touches you give and get was worth it. Short-term and as temp-work that is, I really admire the people who do this year in and year out, something I couldn't do.

4. Carer in a home for 5 mentally handicapped people : I loved this temp-job as well. Much easier and better paid than the retirement home and in a way more rewarding.

Places I've Lived:

1. Sweden : Trosa: small place south of Stockholm, on the coast. Linköping: bigger city more south and inland.
2. Ft Worth, Texas (howdy y'all!) : I was 11, we lived there for a year as part of a job offer my dad got.
3. Cornwall, UK : D lived in a little house by the sea for two years and I lived there for a few months before we moved here.
4. Barcelona : for two or three months, taking time out after school and practising my Spanish.

We don't have a telly, something I'm very happy about, but we still watch some stuff that we really want to see on the laptop. In bed. :o)

1. My Name is Earl : love that show.
2. Nature of Britain : British nature programs are the best. They make me feel wonderful for some reason, they just do.
3. Shameless : lately, D got me hooked on it.
4. British gardening programmes, when I fancy them.

I got no deeds to do
no promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy
and ready to sleep
Let the morning thyme drop
all its petals on me
Life I love you
all is groovy

Since age 14 when I first heard that song I've been longing for that feeling in the third verse: got no deeds to do, no promises to keep. I rarely get there, though I keep promising myself just that to keep going. I think if you walk around always feeling like there is so much more to do and you're not doing it, then however much you want to it's very difficult when the time comes to let it go. So, for the last few months I've been exploring living with carrying less instead. Enjoying that feeling during the deeds to do, promises to keep.

Something like flowing with the stream whenever possible instead of always fighting the current. It's not so easy for me and the word that keeps coming back to me is courage. Courage to relax when all I can think of is run!, courage to sink into the feelings I avoid, courage to take time for myself even though all voices inside say no!, courage to be who I am regardless of what I think the world thinks of me. To be here, however little that place resembles where I think I should be.

And well, it doesn't work very often... :) I'm learning though. Life, I love you, all is groovy.

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Hello there! This is my 99th post and I originally thought I would reorganise my blog for the 100th, but hey, I don't normally do the done thing so why start now... :b I'm fond of giving presents far away from birthdays and christmas, cooking special suppers without an occasion and telling people how much I like them on the most ordinary days. That's when you need it the most, I figure.

I do respect the value of traditions and rituals, but I would like to find out for myself when and why I want to have mine. When during my year do I need a ritual to mark the occasion when I leave one phase for the next?

I think - one when I hear the first blackbird sing in spring that makes my heart flutter, one for the first day I can walk barefoot and I feel the warmth that is to come, one for the day the first fresh autumn breeze comes and I think of knitted sweaters, one for the first blustery rain that makes the leaves fall and cover the ground and I go to find a good storybook, one for the first frost to whiten the grass in the morning and I pull on my mittens, one for the day I put up my December star light in the window and think with fondness of my mum and one for the first dry day when the streets go dusty and I find seedlings under the leaves. Hmm, I'll definitely need one or two in the winter for no reason whatsoever as January to March is looking rather empty... Lucky thing I've got my birthday in mid-February! I don't exclude common traditions you see, I just add to them. :)

Or rather, I haven't so much yet apart from in my head, I'd just like to try. As long as one doesn't get so attached to the traditions that they become institutions with compulsory shopping and over-eating I think they could make life richer and closer. What you consciously welcome, acknowledge, give thanks for, appreciate and let go can give meaning, structure and acceptance to life. I'm not saying this should bring pressures to do more, I just mean acknowledging where you are - in the muddle where time is slipping away fast, you're not sure what you're doing and so many things are left to do. Just a moment of thanks when you're hanging the laundry, looking out the window or walking home from the shop. That's what I intend to do anyway. Goodbye dry leaves and fresh breezes, hello rainy roads and warm jackets.

As for this pocket of mine - it will go through some more changes soon I think, but this will do for now. I have wanted to change that blog header for so long now. It was only ever meant to be a transitory one until I came up with something better. I would like to change some other things already now though - one being responding to the lovely comments you people give, which I don't always do, and the other being commenting on other people's blogs, which is something I balk at - too shy!

Monday, 08 October 2007

It's so good to come home. Even if it's just from being away for two nights I always get childishly excited over it. I love going on the train every other week after college, absorbing all the travelling vibes of people and waiting for the station where Duncan will pick me up.

When I lived in Sweden and I'd come over to visit every couple of months for a week I would have that fluttery feeling inside for the whole journey and when the station was announced I'd be so excited my heart felt ready to burst. I still find myself delightfully happy on train stations, from all the memories of the times I've stepped off a train, searched the crowds on the platform for him and ran the last steps for that hug I'd been longing for. Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, coming home. I just thought about it last night when I was met by the smell of my own home opening the door. You know how you don't smell it when you're living there all the time and being away just for a little while you can sense it for a brief moment? I love smells. I go on small adventures with my nose every time I go to Reading (where my college is).

This weekend there was a stall on the Saturday open air market amongst all the vegetable, fruit and trinket stands where they were roasting something and the air filled with wafts of smoke. The leaves that have fallen give that dry, earthy scent and the fresh breeze somehow smells clean. People passing me in the street leave trails of perfume or eau de cologne, that clean laundry smell or this group of teenage boys who were eating jelly bears and smelled like raspberry flavour.

I passed a lady on my way back around 20.00 (I stay at a hotel on Friday and Saturday night), one of the many homeless folk in Reading. She was squatting on the sidewalk with her backpack and her blanket, cap drawn down over her face and looking down. I recognise most of them by now as I walk that way every other week and I like saying hello, in fact I find them far more refreshing than other people as they're more likely to look you in the eye and enjoy a chat. Besides, several of them have dogs to keep them company (and protect them, bless) and I can't pass by then, I love dogs. I know I shouldn't give money, but I do quite often anyway and I'll buy a copy of The Big Issue only to give it back to them to sell again.

This lady I hadn't seen before though, so after passing her by because I didn't have any change I turned back and offered her one of the peaches I had just bought. She said "I'd love to have one actually" and she had such a sweet face. Older than I had thought at first, worn and grey face, but that kind of bright, mischievous smile. I turned to go and was just about to turn the corner when I heard her shouting something, eventually realising it was meant for me.

"You know, it's just like in James and the Giant Peach! James and the Giant Peach. You know?" I said yeah, Roald Dahl, I loved that book! She was such a funny character ("I'm eccentric, but I'm harmless.") that it made my evening chatting just for a few minutes. I gave her another peach ("Now they can keep each other company in my bag! Are you ripe yet? No, are you?") and she described her favourite sandwich (a thin spread of marmite and a generous layer of peanut butter on thick wedges of bread) and that was about it.

I went to my hotel wondering where she calls home, but also thinking we were at home for a little while, meeting, laughing together and sharing. Both giving something. That's my definition of home I think. The most at home I ever feel is with D, wherever that is.

Sunday, 30 September 2007

Angie at Cozynest kindly tagged me a few days ago and I've been mulling over what to write since. 6 to 8 things that I am thankful for... I decided not to write a list of the most obvious and important things so here are a few, in no particular order, small things that I feel grateful for daily:

~ sunlight waking me up in the morning

~ D offering his shoulder to lie on at night

~ laughing with the cheekiest students in the school corridor

~ the rustle of the leaves and the light sifting through the branches on my after-lunch walk

~ finding sweet comments on my blog from lovely people

~ feeling comfortable in myself, my body and my clothes

~ seeing a creative seedling in my head turn into something real in my hands

~ developing yet another crush on this boy who sits opposite every supper

Thank you so much for tagging me Angie - I've really appreciated these days thinking about it! They're all relationships aren't they, what we are thankful for - to people, nature, ourselves, creativity, that underlying energy.