Which festival should you go to and what does it say about you?

Festivals are basically the only reason working is worthwhile. They are the pinnacle of summer and the countdown to each one starts the day after it has finished.

But which one should you go to? And what does your festival choice say about you?

I’ve been to each of these festivals, which is why it is totally acceptable to be judgemental and cruel…

Reading/Leeds Festival

Average age = 16 (Picture: Yui Mok/PA Wire)

If you like thieving and burning things then this is the festival for you.

Frequented by hoards of drunk teens, they do not understand the concept of pacing themselves.

The separation between festival arena and campsite ensures each has its own vibe. Failed 90s punk-rock bands and artists trying to be ‘grime’ evoke the ‘drunk and slightly angry’ vibe to the arena, whereas the absolute anarchy that is allowed to ensue in the campsite depicts the ‘I might genuinely die here’ vibe.

Take a secondary tent as yours will likely be set on fire.

Secret Garden Party

Make sure you look your best at all times (Picture: Andrew Whitton and Secret Garden Party)

If you have more money than sense, work in media and live in London, chances are you will be here this July.

Come along with your elaborate £300 ‘fancy dress’ costume, stick some groovy flower garlands in your hair and sway away to the music (not too much though, you don’t want to ruin your carefully applied glitter with sweat).

Wander through the woods and take in the beautiful scenery while constantly updating your Twitter feed.

Glastonbury

Anything goes (Picture: Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

Everyone and their mum wants to go to Glastonbury, so we’re going to have to break this down a bit.

People who stay at their camp are generally idiots who chose to spend £200 on hanging out at their tent all weekend. They wish to spend the entire festival playing pointless drinking games while shouting *hilarious* comments at people.

The ‘stage campers’ are there to say they are there. They’ll watch every act on the Pyramid stage even though they don’t really like half of them, because that’s so much easier than actually experiencing the festival.

The people looking for an ‘experience’ can be found in Shangri-La late at night. Really they just need an excuse to get off their nut so they can forget that they are a normal functioning adult with a desk job for the rest of the year.

WOMAD

Why can’t I dress like this on the school run? (Picture: Suzie M Blake)

You’re middle class with a conscience wearing ethnic clothes that you literally only get to wear on this one weekend every year.

Drink herbal tea and listen to ‘grown-up music’ while your children run around with giant bubble makers, splattering all who walk by in washing up liquid.

Boomtown

Anything could happen (Picture: Boomtown)

If feeling like you’re on some kind of three day acid trip is your kind of fun, then this is the festival for you.

All age ranges come here as an excuse to do everything that you cannot (and should not) do in everyday life.

Latitude

So. Nice. (Picture: Latitude)

You want to eat nice food, and listen to nice bands and do nice yoga in the morning and not be bothered by annoying teenagers doing an E for the first time.

You’re not annoying or smug at all, right?

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