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I am a daughter of the King, wife to an amazing man, mother of four beautiful children and “grandma” to a house full of pets. I love all things purple and orange, Walmart, diet pepsi, The Black Eyed Peas and the person who created M&Ms. Amen.

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Friday, September 30, 2011

How is it that it's the last day of September? My favourite month and it's over already. Next up....Thanksgiving! You all know how I love me some Thanksgiving.

I think Matthew is getting a cold. His nose started running yesterday, he sneezes a half dozen times a day and he is uncharacteristically cranky. All he wants to do is to be held. He's a total crankasaurus as soon as you put him down.

Speaking of Matthew, a box arrived for him the other day from my sweet friend Bellismom. Outfits and shirts! He wore one of the outfits yesterday and I think he was feeling pretty swanky. Thank you, *A* - I love you dearly!

Jordan and I have been colouring so much this week that I have Colourer's Cramp. Ok, I know that isn't a real thing, but it should be. My hand literally hurts when I hold a crayon! We were running out of free pages in our books so she and I went colouring book shopping last night. Michael's sells colouring books for $1 so we picked out six of them.

Guess what we're doing today?

A moment of prayerful silence for The Colouring Hand, if you will.

It's just the Littles and me again this evening. Sam and Ian will be at youth group and Julie is going to yet another party. I see lots of cuddling in my evening plans :-)

I try to. I think it's important for them to know that parents mess up too and to validate them with an apology. Some apologies are easier than others!

An example. The other day I was getting ready to give Jordan a manicure and pedicure. I washed her little hands and feet and then went looking for the pink bucket that Julie and I designated our Girly Bucket. When I looked inside, I was shocked to see about five bottles of polish and nothing else. There should have been polish remover, nail clippers, files, and about a dozen bottles of polish.

Jules has a bit of a habit of borrowing things and not returning them, so I immediately felt cross with her, as she was the last one to do her nails. I was grumbling about it and Ian and I both went looking for the missing stash and found nothing. I guess Ian clued her in because the first thing she did when she saw me was to apologize and promise to take her room apart to find the missing items.

It wasn't until the next day while I was feeding Matthew that it hit me: I had put the missing items into a Ziploc bag to take with us on our beach vacation, and it was very likely still in my beach bag. I immediately went to look and my heart sank as I found it.

As soon as Julie got in the door from school I apologized for blaming her, and told her it was my fault. I had tears in my eyes becauseI felt so crappy. Ian suggested I take her out for ice cream to make it up to her, so I did. It turned out to be a pretty great time out together.

My daughter has a beautiful and forgiving heart. I am thankful for that.

2. Do you have a class ring, letterman's jacket, or similar obscenely priced high school "must have"?

Oh yes. I have a high school ring I just had to have. It has my birthstone, year of graduation and the school name on it. I think it may even have something engraved on the inside of the band. It cost a few hundred dollars but I didn't care. Everyone was getting one and they were so cool. I vaguely remember my mom asking me if I thought I'd ever wear it.

I haven't worn it in twenty (choke!) something years and it probably died of boredom somewhere in my jewelry box.

3. If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what age would you choose?

There isn't one. The older I get, the more comfortable I become with who I am. There was something about turning 40 this year that gave me some much needed clarity in terms of how I perceive myself, and how I had allowed certain people to treat me. I re-evaluated some relationships in my life and had to let go of some of them. It was painful but necessary. If something causes you pain it's best to just let it go.

I like being 40. I also liked being 19. But forever? No thank you.

4. What is your favorite (unused) baby name?

With four children with three names each, there aren't many unused names I like left!

I always loved the name Avery, but Ian said it made him think of the label company. Ashlynn was nixed as being a porn star name and McKenna was killed off because there were be no McKids in Ian's house. Kendall and Kennedy were favourites of mine as well, but Ian said he didn't like K names because they sounded too harsh.

Umm...like Kate?? Nice, Ian. Real nice.

For boys I liked Connor and Declan but Ian nixed those as well. Joe is a name I've always loved but then I'd have Julie, Jordan and Joe. It's hard enough with two J names already.

But we don't need to discuss baby names because we.are.done.

Ok God? Did you hear that?? :-)

5. If you could make your child like something what would it be?

I would like for Sam like pasta and peas. I'd like for Julie to like herself the way God made her and to not doubt her worth. I'd like for Jordan to mind me a little better, and I'd like for Matthew to sleep through the night. Every night.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Well, word on the street is that some of you are having problems leaving comments on my posts. I don't know what is happening with blogger lately. I was having trouble leaving comments on other blogs as well, and someone told me it has something to do with being logged into google all the time. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention.

You know what makes me sad? Getting a great comment and not being able to reply to it because the commenter doesn't have an email address attached to their blogger profile. I love replying to comments people leave me because I always have something to say.

Today I had to explain to Jordan that her nose is not like a pocket and to please stop putting things in there. I actually had to do some recon work and go in to retrieve something she'd put in there. Picking someone else's nose is not on my top ten list of favourite things to do.

Today it was my turn to bring the snacks to my Wednesday morning Bible study. Ian picked up a lemon poppy seed coffee cake which my favourite. I was secretly hoping that no one would eat it and I could bring it home. Much to my happiness I was able to bring a lot of it home with me, and I've eaten too much of it. Apparently I won't be happy until it's all in my stomach. But then I'll be sad. Oh the drama of a simple coffee cake.

My laptop battery is dead and so is the power cord I need to recharge it. I haven't been able to tour the world via Google Earth lately and that's sad. I like looking at small towns and then going to MLS.ca to see the price of real estate for that area. I've found a lovely house in Texas, one in Goderich, Ontario and another one in Montreal, Quebec. It's a weird little addiction I have.

Another one of my addictions? Pretty much anything on TLC. Sister Wives, Extreme Couponing, Hoarders....

Oh my, Hoarders. I think my neighbours must think we're massive hoarders considering all the garbage we put out during the two exemption weeks we had this month.

I had great plans of having an afternoon nap today but Matthew wasn't having any of it. He sat on my lap smiling and laughing at me for ages. According to him I'm a pretty funny gal.

I haven't been able to sleep these last couple of nights. Usually I could sleep through a hurricane with a tornado on the side, but not this week. Hopefully I'll rest well tonight.

Ian has this love affair going on with air fresheners. I can't stand them but he LOVES them. And I love him, so I put up with them as best as I can. All that to say, I need to wrap this post up because the latest one he bought sprays its scent at certain times, and it just went off and I'm seeing double.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I had prepared a vlog earlier this evening, with Matthew as my special guest. He was wide awake and happy and I was going to show him off a little. I was experiencing a pretty good hair day with a rare clean shirt thrown in as a bonus.

I thanked those of you that commented on my last blog post or sent me heartfelt and encouraging emails that brought me to tears.

And in doing so, I began to cry again. I am so humbled that people even read my blog to begin with. Whether I know you in real life or just online, you humble me. And to share your encouraging words, kindness and love... I am so sincerely appreciative.

I'm tired of feeling like an Eeyore and I'm sure you're tired of reading about it. I long to feel like myself again.

Goofy. Light hearted. Hopeful.

So why didn't I post the vlog?

Because I had Jordan running back and forth behind me yelling "Brains! Brains!" in the zombie voice someone taught her to use. Ian and Jules were playing on the Wii and were laughing and smack talking one another. I could hear the tv show Sam was watching in the other room. I was tearing up. And somewhere, for some reason, there was water running.

It was pretty noisy.

I had to laugh, because all you could hear was all these different noises and there Matt and I are, talking away and you couldn't hear a thing.

I.Am.Blessed.

I have a home. I have children to love and who love me. I have a husband who adores me and our children.

In spite of the state of my heart, I am completely aware of how richly I am blessed.

I have been beaten down by spiritual attack. Ian was talking about something and mid-sentence I blurted out "Will you pray for me?" because I couldn't stand feeling so alone in a house full of beautiful blessings.

And he did. My sweet man prayed so lovingly over me and I felt more at peace.

All in all, it was a good day. I cuddled and coloured with Jordan, then gave her a manicure and pedicure with the purple polish she loves so much. We both had naps and cookies and apple slices for our snack. We rocked together in the rocking chair while I sang songs to her about Jesus. I loved all over Matthew.

Yes. A good day.

Tomorrow my mom is coming over to visit with us and to cuddle the little ones. I love that she lives so close to us and that she can see them whenever she wants to. We'll likely talk each other's ears off, and by that I mean that *I* will talk HER ears off. :-D And there will be some Dancing With The Stars watching too.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Occasionally when I run out of things to look at online I will re-read some of my older blog posts. Often I will laugh at some of the things I've written because I get a kick out of myself sometimes. Laughing is so good for the soul.

But as I read through my posts from this year there's an underlying theme in my life.

Fear.

I have spent a lot of my time afraid.

I profess to be a Christian yet I live in fear. Iknow better. I do.

I know what Bible verses to look up to combat the fear. I pray. I ask others to pray for me. I call out to God and wait for His reply.

I can't hear anything. I don't sense or feel anything.

I don't know what God is doing, or what He has planned for us, or when change will come.

Is there a reason for this, have we done something wrong, are we failing to learn a lesson?

It hurts and I feel forgotten.

Time is running out and I am scared.

I'm afraid He isn't going to show up. And I need for Him to show up.

I'm tired of seeing people who have so much get more. I'm tired of seeing the wicked prospering more.

I'm tired of my crappy attitude and I don't know how to just let it go...

I hate feeling like this. My stomach is in knots and I feel barfy. And I want to cry. But I have no one to cry with.

I long to have such strong faith that people can see Jesus through me. But they don't.

If you're the praying type, would you pray for me? Pray for strength of faith, for answered prayers and opened doors, and that I will shake this off and be a better support for my husband.

I'm sorry that more and more of my posts are downers. I'm hoping for good news soon.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I can't believe it's Friday already. I swear it was Monday only yesterday.

I went to my Wednesday morning bible study group and we've decided to do a study on marriage. I think next week I'm going to try to leave the littles at home. While I love taking them places with me, it is very distracting to be getting up and down all the time trying to settle Matthew, or check in on Jordan, change diapers, etc. There are other moms there that understand, but still...I would hate to break the focus of someone else, especially if they're really hearing something, you know?

Meh. We'll see.

Today Jordan and I went to The Good Walmart to do some grocery shopping. It was a lot busier than usual...I think people are on to it now. Boo. I have a pet peeve about Walmart and I'm curious to see if anyone else gets bothered by this as well.

Does your Walmart cashier take your bag off the bagging holder thingy, or do you have to take it off yourself? Ours will fill a bag, then move it to the end of the 2 foot holder thingy, then start another bag, etc. I used to lean over and take mine off but I got to wondering why? Why can't they take it off and move it to where I can reach it? It happens at every Walmart location I go to.

I've decided I'm not going to touch the bag until they take it off the rack. Because I'm going hardcore now.

Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about and you think I'm crazy.

I have a wicked headache today. I don't usually get them this bad, and it's making me very nauseated. I'm hopeful that the littles will nap at the same time so I can lay down for a bit.

Realistic dream job? When I'm not doing the stay-at-home-mom gig that I absolutely love, I work in Credit & Collections. I'm very good at what I do because of the way I do it. I respect my customers and realize that collections is largely customer service. People don't hate to hear from me. It's not the career I planned on, I just kind of fell into it. In no way is this a dream job, but it's a little late in my life to be re-directing my career goals, and I have no intentions of returning to school.

Unrealistic? I'd like to be a teacher, except I don't really like other people's children all that much. Or a nurse, except I can't stand blood, barf or listening to people complain about being sick or in pain.

Actress maybe. I can bring the drama for sure, and the paycheque would fit very nicely in my Coach bag.

2. Do you fart in front of your significant other?

No, nor does he in front of me. I think it's so rude to do that. Let's be honest, they're going to escape once in awhile, nothing you can do about that. But you excuse yourself and move on.

I think "fart" is a very funny word and I love a good fart joke.

3. What's the furthest you've ever traveled from home? How far and where was it?

The Dominican Republic for our honeymoon. I don't know exactly how far that is from here, but it took a four and a half hour flight to get there and they didn't speak english.

4. How do you celebrate birthday for your kids? Family only or friends? ... Alternate for those without kiddos: How did you celebrate birthdays as a kid?

The older ones have friend parties, either here at the house or on location somewhere. I prefer the on location ones because it's so much easier in terms of preparation and clean up. And because I don't really like other people's kids, remember? So the less face time I have with them in my home the better. We will also have a family dinner where the grandparents and extended family are invited. Jordan just has family parties at this point.

Julie's and Jordan's birthdays are two days apart, but I have always - and will always - insisted that their days be celebrated separately. It's a busy weekend with a lot of cake, let me tell you. Not that I'm complaining.

5. Fave thing about fall?

The colours of the leaves as they change, the cooler temperatures, apple picking, family photos in the leaves, baking pies and comfort foods. Fall is my favourite season. I hate that Winter follows right after though.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The other day I was creeping some of my friends' facebook profiles and I came across this little gem below. It was posted by a lovely young woman who I met at church and she has a deep passion for God that I admire deeply.

Here was her status on Tuesday:

10 Things God Wants You To Know

I am for you. I love you. I believe in you. I will not fail you. I will be with you. I will provide for you. I will bless you. I will give you rest. I will strengthen you. I will answer you.

Simple. Sweet. True.

I'm going to print a few copies of this to leave in places around the house to remind me of what is true.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I wanted to do something fun with Jordan today so I decided to have a Popcorn & Colouring Party.

I'm not great at playing. It feels awkward to me and the children learned early on that I sucked at it. Thank goodness their father is so fun. He's like the playmate of the year.

Well... not that playmate of the year. You know what I mean.

The dude is fun.

But colouring? Now THAT is right up my alley. I find it so relaxing and will often do it to settle myself down if I'm stressed out. I have my own not-so-secret stash of crayons and colouring books too.

Jordan pulled out what we needed while I prepared the popcorn and drinks.

All set up and ready to go!

See the pull-up in there? I don't know why it's in the picture, but it is. Still working on potty training, my least favourite parenting job ever. But that's a whole other post, isn't it.

Here is the picture we chose to work on together:

Jordan insisted that Pooh's shirt be green. I told her that Pooh's shirt is normally red, and she said ok, but today his shirt was green.

She was very intent on working on her portion of the picture. So much so that she edged me right out of her way.

Monday, September 19, 2011

I was so excited I could hardly sleep the night before. I just lay there praying for him, and praying for a beautiful, memorable day. My Mama, our dear friend Gary (who is more of a brother to Ian) and Ian's parents joined us.

I decided to hold off on giving Matthew his mid-morning bottle, figuring I'd feed him during worship and he'd be sound asleep by the time he was being dedicated.

Big. Mistake.

You'd think I'd know better considering this is my fourth child.

But no.

Again I say big mistake.

He started crying during worship so I took him out to the foyer and bounced and jiggled him the way he loves (and makes me look like a goof). It seemed to be working and then we were called up to the front.

As soon as we joined our Pastor, Matthew opened his mouth and started crying.

When I say crying I mean ear shattering wailing. Right in front of the entire congregation. I did what any loving mother would do - I passed him off to his father.

I dearly love our Pastor. He is a wonderful man of faith, and has been such an instrumental part of my spiritual growth. I am blessed to be able to count him as a friend. He just rolled with the crying and proceeded with the dedication.

Matt was crying so hard I couldn't hear anything. I had tears in my eyes, but not because I was moved. It was because I couldn't imagine a time when I felt more embarrassed in my life.

Yeah, yeah. We've all been there. I know. But this was happening to US and it's different when things happen to US!

As soon as we stepped down Matthew stopped crying. Honestly, Matthew!

I took him straight back to the nursery to settle him down and feed him. I was visiting with a lovely lady who mentioned that she read my blog. I was surprised and asked if she was serious and she said yes, someone had told her about it so she checked it out.

I felt really shy about that all of a sudden and looked down. And when I looked down I was shocked to see that the wire from my underwire bra was sticking out of the top of my shirt.

I can't decide what was more embarassing: a) the fact that in my 9 years of attendance at this church, I have never heard a baby cry like Matthew did during a dedication and has now set a record I can't wait for some other couple to beat (sorry, but true), b) my bra broke right there in the house of the Lord and the wire was sticking out for all of God's people to see or c) people I know in real life read me.

It's a toss up.

But, drama aside, he has been dedicated and I'm happy. I don't have any pictures to post because he had gotten himself all worked up that he barfed on his outfit. I was pretty sure you didn't want to see that.

Since the housework was all done on Saturday, I didn't have anything I had to do today. So, the Littles and I headed over to my Mama's for breakfast and a visit. We came home for lunch and while they napped I watched tv. The house was so quiet.

Too quiet.

Nothing on tv.

Nothing except for.....soap operas.

So, I broke my 20 year hiatus from soaps and watched The Young & The Restless. Two minutes in I knew that dude wasn't a real bone marrow match for little Delia, and Victor Newman sure got old. Esther used to be Katherine Chancellor's maid, no? Now she was all dressed up all fancy like the other people just hanging around. And some freaky eyed lady was locked up in the wine cellar with some Australian dude.

An hour of my life I'll never get back.

Tonight is the Dancing With The Stars premiere and even though there isn't anyone on it this season I really like (except for my girl Nancy Grace) I will still watch.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

We are often so stuck in invisible struggles in our hearts and minds, we barely have space for God. These deep struggles, these stuck places, are familiar to every one of us: brokenness, anger, discontentment, fear, and sadness. Stuck takes on these struggles within us so that we can encounter God. Because until we recognize that we are stuck and in need of God, we will miss what He has for us.

Jennie Allen's Bible studies are designed to draw women close to God and to each other. These shorter studies dig deep quickly, creating experiential conversations and allowing women to wrestle with Scripture in a deep and authentic way throughout the week.

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I haven't had a lot of spare time for reading since Matthew came along, thus the lack of reviews here on my blog. Truth be told, I'm in a difficult place spiritually and reviewing books about God and Christianity was just out of my realm of ability these days.

When I opened my email and saw this offer, I couldn't turn it down. Just the name of it was enough.

Because I am stuck, guys. Stuck in a dark place of despair as we move through this season, and I'm losing sight of God's promises. He feels distant to me, and I feel angry and disappointed.

I'm stuck.

I'm a visual learner. I like to see things as I learn them. So DVD bible studies are right up my alley. I was curious to see what Jennie Allen could bring to the table.

And oh, did she bring it.

Each video is short, but they are packed with biblical truth, supporting bible verses, and Jennie shares from the heart where she's been, what she's struggled with, and how she was able to become unstuck.

I liked that each video was in a different setting, and it felt as though she was just sitting across from me, talking to me. Encouraging me. Reminding me.

I really, really, liked her.

She is so easy to relate to, sweet, and has a passion for women's ministry. She is so on fire for God and while I listened to each lesson I felt something rising up in me.

Hope.

The lessons in this study are all ones I can relate to: brokenness, anger, discontentment, fear, and sadness. I bet you can too.

My Wednesday morning bible study group started up this week, and we're looking for a new study for the Fall. I'm going to definitely pass this one on to our facilitator for consideration.

It's that good.

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Samplers of the Book and DVD have been provided courtesy of Thomas Nelson and Graf-Martin Communications, Inc. DVD-Based Study available October 2011 at your favourite bookseller from Thomas Nelson.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Ian and Sam returned home on Sunday afternoon, happy and exhausted from the retreat. I slept well with all my people under the same roof once again.

Tomorrow is Garbage Exemption Day and I am very excited about that. We have a two bag limit on garbage and if you want to put out additional bags then they have to have a $1 tag on them. It's hard to pack six people's worth of garbage, diapers, dog poop bags and cat litter into two bags. We cheat by using contractor sized bags, and our pick up guys look the other way. I appreciate that.

But tomorrow ....tomorrow is a free for all. We can put out 1,000 bags if we want to. Same as last week. Oh boy, last week we went on a tossing binge and got rid of a lot of crap. Tomorrow will only be a three bag day.

And now you know my garbage pick up habits and information.

You know that one drawer in your kitchen that is a catch-all for all sorts of crap you don't know what to do with but you can't throw it out? Yesterday I cleaned mine out. Lids with no bottoms. Bottoms with no lids. I cleaned that out yesterday and felt so good about it that I kept opening the drawer to look inside. Today I cleaned all the excess stuff off the bulletin board in the kitchen and only re-pinned the important stuff.

I had coupons pinned there that expired in 2009. I guess I figured I'd use them someday. You know, like when 2009 rolled around again.

I also bought a calendar that sticks to my refrigerator. With six people in this house, Mama needs to know what's going on, and when. I feel better when things are written down and I know what to expect.

Jordan and I delivered three bags of outgrown children's clothing and two cans of formula to the local church this morning. For almost 20 years this church has been providing struggling mothers with clothing, diapers and baby food. A mother comes in, selects the clothing she needs, then when the child outgrows it, she returns it all for the next size up. This ministry is very, very, dear to my heart. While I have not needed it personally, I know someone who has, and it was a beautiful example of love in action.

After the church Jordan and I dropped off our empty beer bottles. All eleven of them which netted us $1.10. Six of the eleven were from last summer. As in 2010. There was dust on the box.

Remember when I built this dresser for Jordan a few years ago? It took me 11 hours and 2 minutes, but I did it all on my own. I was a little psychotic about it and refused to let anyone help me with it. By hour 10 I figured I was headed for a mental breakdown. Well, I bought another one for Matthew last month and decided tonight was the time to put it together. Nothing like taking care of things right away, huh? With the assistance of a power drill and my wonderful husband, the dresser was put together in under two hours.

A power drill and a wonderful husband are two very handy things to have. Ian never lets me use his power tools, not since I almost drilled a hole in his arm. But we don't need to talk about that.

Tonight I learned that Coffee Hour resumes tomorrow morning instead of next week! I'm looking forward to being with my Christian sisters again, and studying God's word together. I'm in a really rough spot spiritually, and I need this like I can't even explain.

I am completely addicted to Google Earth. You can type in an address and it zooms from outer space right to that particular spot. You can even drag and drop a man-thingy to get a street view. I travel all over the world and see places I'll never get to in my lifetime. If I read a news report, I will fire up my Google Earth and take a look at where the crime happened. If I'm watching a movie, I will type in the address and look all around. Lately I've been using it to look up small towns, then I price out the real estate. I think it's a sickness. But it's a cheap sickness.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Yesterday I was determined to take the little ones out of the house for several hours so Ian could get some peace and quiet for his job search. It's hard to make phone calls when there is a baby crying in the background, or a pre-schooler demanding a drink over and over.

While I was curling Julie's hair my mom called to say she was just around the corner and could take the children to school. SCORE! They love it when she drives them because she gets them there early and they get more time to socialize with their friends. For me, it meant I could dry my hair properly and not have to pin it back like Snookie for the hundredth day in a row.

Thanks Mom!

I figured the mall would be a good place to fill in some time and burn some of Jordan's energy. I kept thinking of the little shoes I saw at Old Navy the night before. Turns out they were having a big sale on all baby items. So... I bought the shoes I liked so much for only $6 on sale. I got the next size up so he can wear them for a little while before outgrowing them. I ended up buying him a pair of high tops as well for $9. I also got two free pairs of socks!

While we were standing in line, Jordan pointed to something behind me and asked "What's that?" I turned around and saw a young child sitting in a stroller, dressed in a pink frilly skirt, pink ballet slippers and longish hair. So I said, "That's a little girl." To which I heard the haughtiest voice ever say "You mean, that's a little BOY."

"Excuse me?" I asked. She repeated what she had said in the same tone and then went off about skewed gender role expectations and other blather I wasn't really listening to. So when she was done ranting at me she asked what I had to say for myself . Holy pickles. I didn't have much to say after that. I think I said something like "Ok, well thanks for all that. Have a great day." But what I said in my mind was something else entirely.

You know those kiosks that are set up in the middle of the mall? The ones where someone comes right up in your face trying to get you to try their hand cream/flat iron/body lotion/whatever? I can't stand them. I avoid all eye contact in an attempt to discourage them from approaching me, but they don't care. Apparently a woman with an active and jumpy preschooler and a wailing infant isn't a deterrent for them either. One woman stepped right in my path trying to sell me her product. Oh the snippy things I would have liked to have said to her! Instead I just moved around her saying no thank you over and over. Eight times, to be exact. Gotta give girlfriend points for persistence.

We left the mall and stopped at my mom's for a short visit so she could cuddle Matthew and Jordan for a bit which she loves. I love that she lives so close that I can just stop in like that. Julie recently told me that her Gram's house feels like her other home. Love.

Our last stop was to Walmart to buy milk and some snacks for Ian and Sam to take with them on the youth retreat this weekend. Jordan was so tired by the time we got back to the van that she fell asleep clutching her fries in her fist.

We all drove over to the church at 5:45 to drop Ian and Sam off but we didn't stay. I felt sad about that, because we always stick around until the bus leaves, but I didn't have the energy to keep Jordan from running around, and having people pick at the baby, not to mention the tears that flow when Daddy leaves... We picked up subs for dinner on our way home and ate them in our pjs. Julie pulled out the sofa bed and made some s'mores afterwards while we watched tv until the girls crashed at 10:30. I was just about to let Wills out at 11 when I heard knocking at my front door. It was three slow knocks, all creepy like. Who knocks like that!? Killers do, that's who. My living room is on the second floor and if I lay flat on my stomach and peer through the banister and a specific rib crushing angle, I can see who's on my porch without actually having to approach the door. It was two super creepy looking guys.

As if I was going to answer the door!

Willow was going crazy, snarling and barking in a way he doesn't do very often. I thought I'd drop dead. There was no way I could go to sleep at that point! They kept standing in front of the house, looking at it and talking. I tweeted and facebooked what was going on and a sweet friend of ours said if needed him to, he would come by with their dog and check things out. I considered calling the police to see if they had a car in the area that could just drive past but I felt like that might be too much.

Ian saw my facebook status and called me from the retreat. It's amazing how scared I get when he isn't here.

Anyway. I was on high alert and wide awake until 3:45 am! Finally I went to bed just in time to get woken for Matthew's 4:30 am feeding. GAH! Needless to say, I've been tired today. I took the children out for dinner as I always do when the boys are away. Julie loves being able to talk about girly things. We have a very close relationship, much like my mother and I have. It's very special.

So, here I am in bed...trying not to be creeped out. I've left a couple of lights on (sorry Ian!) and trust that our fierce protector Willow will keep us safe.

Tomorrow the boys come home!

Ok. Enough rambling. The last little one finally closed her eyes so it's time for me to sleep as well.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

My baby is 3 months old tomorrow. Where has the time gone? He is such a sweet armful and so squishy. He is quick to smile and has a dimple in each cheek. He chuckles but I haven't heard a full out laugh yet. He is a happy baby, and that makes me happy.

Tonight I took Julie to the mall so she could buy a shirt with some of the money she earned at the garage sale last weekend. She spent part of it on a pair of Ugg type boots the other day. It was really interesting to watch her checking prices, something she doesn't do when it's us paying! I liked hearing her think through her choices, ensuring that they were modest, could be paired with other things in her closet, and was worth spending her money on it. No impulse buying for my girl.

I showed remarkable restraint at Old Navy. They had little Superman and Batman onesies that Ian and Sam would have loved to see him in. Ian especially. He has just about every superhero t-shirt ever made and wears them proudly. It's one of the many things I love about him. I try to find him a new one each year for Christmas. I also passed on a pair of sneakers for Matthew as well, but will likely go back for them, as he will need something on his feet now that it's getting colder.

Fall is in the air and I'm loving it.

This weekend Ian and Sam are away on the JR High retreat with the church. Usually the girls and I camp out on the pull-out couch in the living room and stay up late eating s'mores and watching movies. This year we'll have to move things up to my room because Matthew's crib is in there, and I like him sleeping with his AngelCare monitor on. But there will be late nights, movie watching and s'more eating. Oh yes, there will.

Anyway. Being that it is Friday, I'm participating in Mama M's Five Question Friday which she hosts over at My Little Life! If you haven't checked her out yet, please do. She is so funny and so sweet, and never has a bad word for anyone.

1. What ring tone do you have on your cell phone?

Are you ready?

My ring tone is the Wonder Woman theme song.

I always have my phone on vibrate so I don't get to hear it very often and when I do, my thought process is: What's that sound? My purse is singing the Wonder Woman song. Oooh my purse is so cool. Wonder Woman....Wonder Woman (this is me singing). Oh wait a sec! Someone is calling me! Oh great, now I missed it. Better luck next time.

Yes. I truly think that every single time.

2. What is your favorite memory from this summer?

Matthew's arrival and our family trip to the beach.

3. Paper books or ebooks?

Paper books. I don't like getting them from the library anymore because the last time I brought a book home from there it reeked of smoke. So now I borrow from my mom or from friends, and very rarely I will buy one. I bought The Help at 40% off to take to the beach and it was worth every cent.

Although I am reading Pride and Prejudice on my iPhone and it's very handy.

4. If you could have one home upgrade what would it be and why?

I'd love to rip out all of the carpet and put in laminate. Oh yes ma'am that would be my upgrade. With all the dog hair and spills we've got going on here, that would be a dream come true.

5. When was your first serious boyfriend/girlfriend?

I learned very early on in my limited dating career to not bring boys home. The first boy I really liked dated me for three months before I learned that my sister had been dating him for two of those three months. I never really trusted anyone after that. I casually dated a guy I worked with for a year before I brought him home.

But my first real relationship was when I was 22 with a man who was 16 years older than I was. I was as green as they come and he had certain thoughts that I didn't share. He isolated me from all of my friends and was very critical towards me. I don't know that I would go so far as to say he was emotionally abusive, but it was pretty close. He dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him.

He was so gross. But, loneliness can make us settle for much less than we deserve.

But... then I found my Ian. He had a lot of emotional repair work to do in me! Bless that man.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

I'm frustrated and anxious today. And I'm very tired, which I'm sure is making everything feel so much worse.

I feel the weight of the world on me today and my thoughts are racing out of control. My chest feels tight.

I wish I had some place I could go to just let everything out. To cry and scream and not be afraid of what I looked like or what I sounded like. To just let these angry and ugly thoughts fly out of my mouth and out of my body.

I feel sick in my heart.

I wish my blog was private, because there are people that read it that I wish didn't and I don't want them knowing the pain I am feeling.

I don't want to talk to anyone or play with anyone today. I just want to do what I've been doing. Wiping baseboards and washing windows and vacuuming. Talking to the Lord. Begging Him to show Himself to me. To say something that will calm my heart and mind.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Well, the first day back to school was a success for the children. They each have friends in their classes and like their teachers. Relief abounds.

I had asked Ian to set the alarm for 7:15am this morning so I could hit the snooze once, then jump into the shower at 7:30. He woke me with this shocked look on his face and said that Sam and Julie were already awake, dressed, and had eaten breakfast. Sam was watching Matthew so Ian could shower, and Julie had walked the dog.

By 7:30 am!

Jordan and I had packed their lunches last night, so that was done. Ian dressed the little ones while I curled Julie's hair, and we were all out the door by 8:20, only 5 minutes behind schedule.

It's our first day of school tradition to take pictures of the children on my mom's front porch. We've done this every single year, and it's fun to see how much they've grown over the years. This year we took additional photos with Jordan and Matthew in them as well.

As much as I'd like to share their photos with you here on my blog, I haven't had the chance to ask Sam and Julie for their permission to do so. I want to ensure that their privacy continues to be respected.

As usual, Sam didn't want to walk anywhere near us on the way to school, but Julie wanted us to help her find where to go. Once she found her friends we were long forgotten.

I'd like to report that I did not cry this year. Every first day of school I cry because the children are growing so fast and it makes me sad. This year I was just excited for them. I'm sure that having two littles at home helps with that.

Jordan, Matthew and I had breakfast with my mom this morning which was really nice. I haven't seen her since we've been home from the beach. Ian was at a meeting with our Associate Pastor then ran some errands before picking us up and going home for nap time.

I picked up Sam and Julie after school and then went to The Children's Place so Julie could buy a t-shirt she wanted from the money she earned at the garage sale this past weekend. I was able to find a cute outfit for Matthew's upcoming dedication for 50% off.

Roast chicken for dinner, tomorrow's lunches have been made, the kitchen is cleaned and the dishwasher is running. It's now that time of night when we're all winding down and bedtimes are looming.

It felt good to get back into a bit of a routine again today. Jordan missed her brother and sister, but it was really nice for her to be the centre of attention again, I think.

I'm in the process of reviewing a Bible study dvd, so I'm off to watch the next lesson.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Ever have so many things you need to accomplish, yet no energy to do them? That's me today. I was in bed by 10pm last night and up this morning at 8:20 and I've been dragging butt all day.

*Yawn*

So now it's 12:45 and I have accomplished little more than unloading the dishwasher (with Jordan's help) and clearing out my bread basket of expired bread.

Oh, I had a shower and washed my hair. But that's pretty much all I've gotten done today.

Ian is hosting another garage sale and it's been very successful, I hear. I was not invited to this garage sale. I guess that's better than being fired right as it begins.

Yesterday Jordan and I had some one-on-one time together. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said "SHOPPING!" I've never met anyone who loves to go shopping as much as she does. And shopping to her can be any type of errand at all; drug store, dry cleaner, Walmart, whatever. She just likes to go places, and will often tag along with whoever is running errands that particular day.

So I took her to The Apple Factory but she was unimpressed with their roosters and fresh vegetables. I, on the other hand, had never heard a rooster crow before. But yesterday I heard half a crow so I guess I can cross that one off my bucket list.

Next stop was Walmart for groceries and a curling iron for Julie. Halfway into our time there, Jordan asked to be put in the cart saying she was tired. She's been saying that more and more lately, and I can't decide if she's just being lazy or if maybe something is wrong with her. I'm always worried I'll miss something with one of the kids, you know?

When we got home, Ian quietly told me that Willow didn't seem to be feeling well. I took one look at him and screeched "WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS FACE!?" because I'm controlled like that. His whole beak or snout or whatever it's called on a dog, was all swollen, and the sides of his cheeks were all fat and floppy. Ian said he was going to keep an eye on him and take him to the vet if neccessary. I calmly said "TAKE HIM NOW! OH MY GOSH HE NEEDS TO GO NOW!"

I'm not great in an emergency. Or even a semi-emergency.

Whenever I cook a ham I always give Wills the end of it. Always. And there's never a problem with him afterwards. Well, the night before I gave him a little more ham than usual and was wondering if that made him sick. I asked Ian if there was any chance he could have been stung by a bee or something like that. After awhile it looked like the right side of his face was swelling too, right up to his eye.

He called the vet for Wills and took him in. Turns out I WAS RIGHT.

Let's just savour that for a moment, could we?

Kate.Was.Right.

Ahhh. It doesn't happen often, but my oh my does it feel good when it does.

The vet said he likely was stung by a bee or a wasp and it was very common in dogs. She gave him a shot of Benadryl and told Ian to wait 15 minutes to see if the swelling went down, and it did. He looked normal and had his energy back by the time he came home.

Today, however, he looks like he's stoned. His eyes are half closed and when he's facing head on, it looks like he's looking off to the side. Poor guy.

Alright, I need to get going and get stuff done. I can't sit here rambling all afternoon, much as I'd like to.

Friday, September 02, 2011

This is my favourite favourite month. For me, it feels more like a new beginning than January does. It also kicks off the Fall, which is my favourite season. Apple picking, long walks through the leaves at the conservation area, cooler nights, comfort stews... bring it on.

But let's not get too ahead of ourselves just yet. Technically we're still on summer vacation, and will remain so until Monday at 12 midnight.

Today, as usual, I'm participating in Mama M's Five Question Friday which she hosts over at My Little Life! She's a rockstar.

1. Shoes in the house - yay or nay?

Nay.

NAY.

I cannot stand shoes on in the house. Shoes are for outside, not inside. I don't care how clean you think your shoes are, or how hard you wipe them on the rug, the reality is...if you've worn them outside for even a minute, they are dirty.

I have a 3 year old that plays on the floor, and soon will have a crawler. I can't have people wear their shoes on the same carpet my children play on.

I would never disrespect someone by wearing my outdoor shoes inside their home.

I have a pair of white canvas shoes that I wear inside and they've never been outside the house.

I'm just like Mr. Rogers. I have my outdoor shoes, then when I come home I switch to my indoor shoes. Except I don't sing while I do it.

2. What do you call them- flip flops, slippers, thongs, etc?

I usually call them flip flops, but lately I've been calling them my flippies. I bought about twenty pairs in all different colours and patterns the last time I was in the US at $1 each. I am down to my last pair and the pattern is wearing off. Good thing the summer is just about over, huh? I'll be in the US in November so I'm hoping to stock up on them then. Of course, it will be Fall there too...so maybe I won't be able to.

Oh now I'm sad.

3. What song are you almost embarrassed to admit you know all the lyrics to?

All Day, by Cody Simpson. He's this 14 year old kid from Australia and his videos play on the Family Channel in between the kids' shows. Sam and Julie can't stand the song but for some reason I love it and make them watch the video with me whenever it comes on. Jordan and I dance to it, because we're cool like that.

I even try to do his dance moves but something tells me we don't look quite the same. But in my mind I'm the best backup dancer that ever lived.

I also know all the words to the old-school Veggie Tales songs.

4. What is the best quality to have in a friend?

Trustworthiness. If I can't trust you, I can't be your friend. I need to be able to trust you or it just won't work.

5. Do you know what you want for Christmas?

Usually I never know what I want and that's because I have everything I ever wanted.

But...I would really like a pair of pinking shears. And when I was at Fabricland the other day I saw a kit with all different coloured thread. That made me very excited.

I'm taking Jordan out for some one-on-one time this morning and when I asked her what she wanted to do she said "SHOPPING!" Oy vey. Good thing she's not picky about what kind of shopping she does because today we're going to the grocery store and the dry cleaner.