SIDEWALKS AND SIDESTREETS: A Rocky landing for squirrel

By Philip Leo McCarron

Monday

Apr 30, 2018 at 9:19 PMApr 30, 2018 at 9:19 PM

First: I know I’ve been AWOL for the last two weeks. Sorry – computer problems. You know how it is …

Anyway, it’s funny. The things we take for granted, that is. The things we assume. Especially where safety is concerned. You buy stuff in stores – packaged stuff – and you quite naturally assume it’s OK - to use, to eat, to safely assemble, whatever. When you buy new batteries for your flashlight, for example, and install them, you don’t expect it (the flashlight) to blow up in your hand when you flick it on because the new batteries are defective. When you buy baby formula, bring it home, mix it up, put it in a bottle, warm it, and feed it to your bambino, you don’t expect to see a dead cockroach floating around in it while you’re humming Marry Poppins movie tunes to your baby in your favorite rocking chair while the baby is hungrily sucking away at the nipple. When you buy a new fire extinguisher, and – unfortunately – are forced, in an emergency, to use it, you expect fire extinguisher-stuff to come shooting out of the hose, instead of a puff of stale air, and then nothing but an offensive odor. Right?

And, when you’re walking down a public sidewalk on a public road, it’s fair to assume that a rodent won’t fall from the sky, land on your back, climb to the top of your head, and then use your forehead as a springboard with its hind legs to jump off you and scamper safely away.

Right?

Wrong. All of the above have happened to me. Honest to God.

The squirrel was the latest.

Speaking of weather … Remember, oh, last month I think it was, we got bashed by four nor’easters in something like 2-1/2 weeks? Snow, wind, cold, rain, wind, clouds, wind, and wind? I sure do, and that’s a fact. And I’ll just bet you dollars on a donut there’s a particular Eastern Grey Squirrel out there in the world someplace who remembers it, too. I don’t even know if it was a guy or a gal squirrel. All I know – for sure – is that squirrels don’t have claws attached to their little fingers; they have pins. Sharp ones. You could use ‘em to darn your socks, believe me.

So: The weather. There I was, galumphing my way down the sidewalk (I wanted a potato to bake) one day during said 2-1/2 weeks, and a powerful gust of wind ruffled my brow – almost knocked me over. Immediately after, something struck me in the back of my winter jacket. Right between the shoulder-blades. I spun around, thinking I’d been hit by a snowball or something (yes – there was snow all over the place), but … nothing. I turned, continued my galumphing. After about a dozen steps, something on my back began to move. I spun around again – again, expecting juvenile delinquency – another snowball?

Next thing I knew, the ‘something’ crawled up my back, climbed onto the top of my head (this was a sidewalk on a very busy road … I can’t even imagine what passing motorists thought, seeing a guy with a squirrel on his head), and started chirping. So did I. (I think I chirped louder.) I reached up and grabbed the thing – this wiggling, furry, hot dog-shaped thing – but before my fingers could find it, it dug its hind feet into my forehead, screamed “Geronimo!” in squirrel-speak, and swan-dived onto the sidewalk. I was in front of a small bank. There was a tree there. Mr./Ms. Squirrel sat on a branch at the top of that tree, laughing at me with an accelerated heart-rate. (Mine was accelerated, too.)

That’s when I noticed my forehead was bleeding a little. E gads! Was I rabid? I forgot all about the potato. Instead I rushed home.

Well – it’s been a while, and I haven’t started foaming at the mouth or anything, so I imagine I’m OK. The scratches have healed.

The squirrel was walking on the powerlines over my head, between the poles, when the wind gust literally blew him (her?) off, and he (she?) landed on my back. The rest I just described.

The moral here? Whatever hits you in life, don’t be surprised when it happens. Truth: Sometimes squirrels fall out of the sky. Or some other thing very much like it. Don’t lay blame; just take it.

In the end, acceptance is the solution. Even if the event is a non-sequitur. To, say, a gust of wind.

Philip Leo McCarron is a Stoughton resident. He can be contacted by email at philmccarron@yahoo.com, and enjoys your comments. Why not email him?