and food and vacations, too.

Month: June 2011

Zen essentially means meditating and discovering inner self and generally going on the path of enlightenment. At least that’s what I could figure out from whatever wiki article I glimpsed through.

Now, though I’m not exactly going to take that up, I like the ring of the phrase “Zen approach” and so, I’ll say that “I’m now going to practice the Zen approach.”

So there have been lots of thoughts going on in my mind lately. Though I tend to write and talk about certain things, there are loads of things I don’t talk about. It would take me a lot of courage to talk about them, and I always feel that talking about it will not help me in anyway. It is my problem, and only I can find a solution to it. Talking to others, who are not even part of it, will not affect it in anyway. Though when it comes to giving gyaan, I happily tell whoever cares to listen that talking about your problems will help you overcome them. In fact, I even lend an ear and give some super solutions to such problems too.

But my thoughts, my emotions and my feelings are closely guarded secrets. I’d say, only one person has been able to get a partial glimpse of it, and perhaps that was also one of my weak moments. No matter how strong you are, everyone has the tolerance threshold. So I broke down.

Anyway, coming back to the point, as I said, practicing the Zen approach. I’ve decided I’m going to stop worrying about things, about people and try too hard to make certain things happen.

There are certain things I desperately want to happen. I feel very strongly that these are the right things to happen, and if you want to live your life, you must do everything you can to make sure things happen the way you want. And why not? Is expecting one’s own happiness such a selfish thing? And I have tried to make them happen. Gone out of my way, at times, to ensure that certain events happen the way I wish.

Now, when I think of those events, I feel I’ve been manipulative. How I acted like ‘god’ and tried to create things. Maybe I was interfering. Which makes me wonder how would have things turned out if I hadn’t interfered/intervened. Also, what if my interference was also part of the scheme of the conspiracy of universe? What if.

So now, I’ve decided I’m going to let things take its own course. Do not interfere in the mysterious ways the universe deals.

If certain things are destined to happen, they will. Let me not spoil my present worrying about uncertain future and trying to make it certain/preplanned.

And I’m not sure about my belief in God. Let’s just say, our relationship status is, “it’s complicated”. So, assuming there is God, let him be the only one who knows the plan, and unfold it as and when He thinks it’s fit. Because the more you try to mess with him, the more he will tease you.

And why shouldn’t opportunity not knock again? Isn’t realisation and making good of your mistake all the part of the bigger scheme of the universe or something like that?

We all deserve a second chance. In fact, I’ve been reading a lot about Karma lately, and even that is all about second chance. In that case, the second chance lasts even beyond one lifetime.

There are two kinds of relationships. One you are born with, other you choose. While we may choose not to live with/stay away from the ones we’re related to, at some point, we do indulge them, and get back to them despite all the differences. Because we just love them, and deep inside that we know that sometimes, even we took them for granted. So we are ready to give them a second chance.

Then there are the ones we choose. Friends, good friends, very good friends, more than friends, so on and so forth. We choose to be with them, because we connect to them on certain level. So yes, they have annoying quirks too. At first, we like them, *because* of those quirks, then we like them, *despite* those quirks, then we *tolerate* those quirks, and lastly, we can’t take those quirks anymore and we leave them. Right. So those quirks were perhaps too much, and too difficult to live with, but then, how many times did you try talking about it? Did you ever try make that person realise how deeply you get hurt? Yes, so old habits die hard, some of them are so extreme that you wonder the rate at which the moods oscillate, how come the mind hasn’t fallen off! But if once, the person realises that problem is him/her, you do give them another chance, right, especially when you love them so much?

But you know, more than all that, I think the most important thing is, to give yourself another chance. Just because you’ve been deeply hurt once, doesn’t mean that you don’t give happiness another chance. So you had something beautiful with someone, and it doesn’t exist anymore, so why not move on and start things afresh? Why should your past be so overpowering that you don’t even give your future a second chance? I know it can’t be easy, and its easy for me to sit in the comfort of my room, lying on the bed, write this post, but for someone who has actually been through it, it’s not as easy as it appears to be. I’m not even saying that it’s easy. All I am saying is, how hard is it to give yourself a second chance?

Yes, so there might be some strings attached, but that doesn’t mean that those strings can’t overlap… At times, all it requires is a little bit of courage and loads of faith.

I have always believed that we are here for a reason. To learn something, to teach something. Everything that happens, every person we meet, there is a reason behind it.

While we cannot blame everything that happens in our current life, shitty jobs, bad boyfriends, in-laws from hell, etc to our deeds of previous life, because that will mean giving in to situation without working towards saving things, a lot of things that happen I’m sure there is a karmic connection to it all.

Perhaps we’re at the shitty job so that we value the next job we take. A jerk for a boyfriend will mean that when you break up with him, you know what kind of guy you don’t want! It doesn’t mean that you have a bad relationship and something bad is happening to you because you’ve done something bad in your current/previous birth and your karma is catching up on you. Well, at least, not always.

So there are times I wonder why did I come across some people… people who were friends, some more than friends, people I’m related to.. or why did my little cousin have to die at the age of 13, and suffer for over 8 years before she passed away? Why did my aunt have to die at the age of 54, just when everything was finally settling down well for her.. why couldn’t she live to see her son marry? She was perhaps the simplest people ever to have taken birth in our family of eccentrics. She did deserve to see and pamper and play with her granddaughter, right? And at the same time, when we all see the super adorable niece, we all just can’t help commenting how her habits are just like my aunt’s. I know, this kind of comparison is unfair on so many levels. But I think we all say it because we all want to reassure ourselves that the aunt is around, like a guardian angel, looking after the grandchild. Is that also karma?

There are a lot of things I want to write about, but I just can’t get myself to talk about it. More so because I am not the kind of person who could easily talk about things. Even to people who are closest to me. Yes, I whine and I complain and get annoyed at my dad and others, and vent it out, but there are a lot more deeper feelings and thoughts that are never spoken about. Perhaps I will never talk about them. It takes a whole deal of courage for me to talk about certain things. Perhaps it is my karma to be the silent listener and observer and lend a patient listening ear to everyone who needs it.

If you are reading this, this post may sound a bit incoherent to you, and you may not exactly get what I’m talking about. I guess, on some levels, even I don’t know what I’m talking about. I guess it’s just a phase when I talk utter nonsense. :-)

But seriously, if God does exist, and Karma is his idea of getting back at us, let me tell Him that He has a sick sense of humour and His idea #sucks.

I would like to end the post by sending out a small little message across the Universe, which according to Paulo Coelho, is conspiring to give us what we want, that hey, Universe, give me what I want, and no one gets hurt, ok?

First rain of the season.. a lot has been written about this event.. lots of poems, love songs written about rains, the cliched bheeni mitti ki khushboo.. the peacocks..

I’m kinda fussy person. When I think of rains and monsoon, the first things that strike me are the ugly insects, waterlogged roads, flooded streets, traffic jams, chaos. (power failure is not a common phenomena here, as compared to cities like Delhi and Bangalore :p we in Ahmedabad are happier htat way :P) And more often than not, the pain of these things far exceed the awesomeness of rains.

For last 4 years, June to September was quite a dreadful time for me.. because we would invariably be auditing one of the companies in the far off part of the city.. the industrial area which gets flooded badly.. and the constant fear of being stuck in middle of nowhere was scary. (I’m not exaggerating, these parts just got proper roads, we once had ankle deep water inside the cab we were going in during monsoon – that scared the shit out of me cos the water was in a strange colour, and had things floating in it, and I was too afraid to find out what those floating objects were :|) So after 4 good years, for the first time, I smelt the intoxicating smell of mitti instead of random chemicals and diesel fumes from the generators.

And I realised how awesome a feeling it is when the first drops of rain fall on your face. The pattern on the walls when rain falls on them.. filling it up.. in matter of moments.. the trees and the branches moving in a rhythm, thanks to the wind.. almost in a trance.. swaying gracefully while leaves made fluttering sound. The overgrown grass.. I have doubts that some strange beings have made it their habitat.. the grass outside the office is almost knee high! I wont be be surprised if a snake comes crawling on my desk one of these days.

For the time it rained… we sat their, felt the drops on our face, had our hair flying in all directions because of the crazy winds.. the feeling of sand and other dust particles on your face (as a result of the pre-shower aandhi) being washed away by the water.. it was just awesome. Yes, a cup of ginger and pudina tea would have been perfect at that moment, but I’m not complaining.

I was drenched by the time we left.. (yea, had to ask another colleague to unplug the laptop – water good conductor of electricity, no?) and in an ideal scenario, I should’ve changed my clothes and got into dry clothes. But I guess I do like torturing myself. I’ve still not changed clothes, and after about 4 hours, they’re almost dry. Either that, or my body has become numb and I’m not able to feel anything.

And as I type this blogpost, I feel strangely happy. The rain, the smell associated with it.. the greenery.. it all feels right. As if the universe is giving me a sign.. a sign that it’s all going to be all right.