Nigel Farage, Bob Geldof, a chase down the Thames... and the most surreal day in British politics ever

Bob Geldof flicks a V-sign at Nigel Farage as the two men engage in a bizarre skirmish on the Thames over BrexitCredit:
Geoff Pugh/The Telegraph /AFP/GETTY

One day, years from now, when I’m sitting in my armchair beside the fire, my son will come up to me and ask, “Daddy… what did you do in the EU referendum?”

And I’ll put down my newspaper, remove the pipe from my mouth, and I’ll say, “Well, son. I went on a boozed-up boat trip down the Thames with Nigel Farage while men from Ukip shouted ‘Get a job!’ at Bob Geldof as he flicked V-signs at them from a pleasure cruiser and a load of Scottish fishermen squirted water at rival campaigners in a dinghy and Members of Parliament gazed in disbelief from the Commons terrace and 100 people on a bridge sang Rule Britannia.”

They say it’s difficult to engage the young in politics. But I reckon that story should help spark their interest.

A flotilla of anti-EU fishing trawlers on the ThamesCredit:
Geoff Pugh/Telegraph

To explain: today, in his latest wheeze to promote Brexit, Nigel Farage decided to join a flotilla of anti-EU fishermen and sail down the Thames to Parliament. He was due to set off from Butler’s Wharf. I went down in search of it. The Ukip leader’s vessel (I didn’t spot its name, but let’s call it HMS Farage) wasn’t difficult to pick out. Something about the red, white and blue balloons and the Union flag deckchairs tended to give it away.

This is the Brexit boat that Nigel Farage will be sailing down the Thames. Note patriotic balloons and 🇬🇧 deckchairs pic.twitter.com/3KmidxzTsR

Along with a gaggle of journalists, photographers and Ukip figures – including millionaire party donor Arron Banks and Scottish MEP David Coburn – I boarded, and we set sail. It turned out, however, that we had company. A pleasure cruiser steamed up alongside us, its top deck crammed with young activists waving pro-EU placards. Its loudspeakers, at ear-splitting volume, were blaring the Sixties pop hit “I’m in with the in crowd”. Mr Farage was in the middle of an interview with a TV crew. Unable to hear himself, let alone the interviewer, he had no choice but to abandon it.

Watch | Farage and Geldof go head to head on the Thames

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Suddenly, the music stopped. Leaning over the pleasure cruiser’s railings was a man with straggly grey hair, wearing shades and an outsize hat. He snatched up a microphone.

“YOU WERE ON THE EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT FISHING COMMITTEE!” ranted Sir Bob. “YOU ATTENDED ONLY ONE OUT OF 43 MEETINGS! YOU’RE A FRAUD, NIGEL! GO BACK DOWN THE RIVER, COS YOU’RE UP ONE WITHOUT A CANOE! OR, ER, A PADDLE!”

I was so captivated by this stimulating exchange of views that it took me several moments to notice something: we were no longer sailing in the direction of Parliament. In fact, we were going round and round in a large circle. While being pursued in a pleasure cruiser. By Bob Geldof.

Eventually, Geldof seemed to tire of the chase, and we resumed our original course. Soon we caught up with the fishermen, their trawlers decked with British flags, anti-EU banners and, in one slightly unnerving case, a skull and crossbones. Perhaps they were going to make Geldof walk the plank.

Pro-EU dinghies with outboard motors appeared and started zooming around us. “HAVE YOU DECLARED THAT BOAT TO THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION?” yelled a Farage aide. Mr Coburn declared that the dinghies must have been sent by either Goldman Sachs or the BBC. “Well done, chaps!” he cheered at a fisherman who’d just drenched some EU activists with his hose.

Mr Farage was back on deck. What did he think of the Geldof stunt? The Ukip leader rolled his eyes. Geldof was an “ignorant multimillionaire” trying to “drown out” the views of British fishermen, he sighed; it was “a disgusting spectacle”. He puffed wearily on his cigarette.

Hang on. Cigarette? Didn’t you give up cigarettes, Mr Farage?

“No, I’ve sort of made my mind up about all this,” he said. “I think the doctors have got it wrong about smoking.”

The doctors have got it wrong about smoking. Well, Michael Gove did say that the British people “have had enough of experts”.

Bob Geldof had caught up again. “NIGEL! YOU’RE A LIAR! HAVE ANOTHER PINT AND LOOK AT US!”

I looked around. With the silent agility of Macavity the Mystery Cat, Mr Farage had disappeared.

“NIGEL FARAGE! FACE THE FACTS! ONE: BRITAIN MAKES MORE MONEY FROM FISHING THAN ANY OTHER EU COUNTRY! TWO…”

“We used to protest against the establishment,” said a Ukip aide. “Now the establishment is protesting against us.”

We sped on, under bridges covered in Brexit-supporters in Union flag party hats dangling Union flags and holding Union flag balloons. At last we reached Parliament. MPs stood goggling from the terrace. A trawler named Wayward Lad had sailed right up to the Geldof pleasure cruiser – and fishermen were now attempting to clamber aboard. Yes, we really did appear to be witnessing an actual hijacking. A group of Geldofites stoutly repelled them.

Nigel Farage arrives at ParliamentCredit:
Geoff Pugh/Telegraph

I needed a drink. I staggered down to the bar (well, of course HMS Farage had a bar) and asked for a bottle of beer. “Four pounds 30,” said the barman. Four pounds 30? Goodness. The Brexit elite is totally out of touch with ordinary hard-working drinkers.

I went back up on deck. We were sailing in circles again. David Coburn had cupped his hands to his mouth and was yelling, “COME OUT, SALMOND! COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!” at the Houses of Parliament. On Westminster Bridge, a Ukip-sponsored bus was blasting out the theme from The Great Escape. “WE LOVE YOU, NIGEL!” shouted a huge crowd of Brexit supporters. Then, at the top of their lungs, they all started singing Rule Britannia.

Honestly. What an extraordinary day. It must surely go down in British naval history. The defeat of the Armada, Trafalgar, Jutland… and the day Bob Geldof chased Nigel Farage down the Thames while shouting about EU fishing quotas.

If the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say: This was their weirdest hour.