Cocaine much less likely to stick to new plastic fivers, promises Bank of England

The new plastic £5 note is designed to allow cocaine to flow through without sticking even when damp, the Bank of England has confirmed.

The old £5 note will be phased out over time with the new design introduced in the Autumn in plenty of time to get into wide circulation for the Christmas and New Year Party season.

Speaking at a launch event in the toilets at Blenheim Palace, Bank of England governor Mark Carney confirmed that as the notes are both flat and coated in a laminate-like substance they can be used to buy, chop and snort your cocaine all in one, reducing the need to carry a razor blade and find a dry lavatory seat in the nightclub.

Representatives of the press at the event are understood to have recognised the benefits of such a solution after on the spot demonstrations.

“One of the big problems of the old fiver was when they got old, or if you put them through the wash, they’d get really ratty, and you just couldn’t roll them into a tube”, said designer Simon Williams.

“By introducing the new polymer material, the notes will last twice as long and hold durability and shape even after a spin cycle.”

“Shame we can’t say the same if you leave your stash in the laundry as well!” he added with a chuckle, followed by a sneeze.

If the new material is a success, the Bank of England plans to introduce a twenty-pound note with Howard Marks on it next year.

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