There are plenty of places you can go to read team power rankings for all of Major League Baseball. I believe most respectable bloggers and journalists are required by the code of moot speculation to incite as many arguments as possible by haphazardly or systematically arranging the teams from best to crappiest.

Two things prevent me from doing that: a) I’m discredited and therfore not bound by the blogger codes of conduct, and b) We all know the Cubs are wallowing at the bottom of any but the most randomly created rankings anyway. So instead, I’ve set out to rank the Cubs players.

I used a complex formula incorporating projected player value and season data combined with intangibles factor and adjusted for fun-to-watchedness and how much the player as a person inspires and/or annoys the crap out of me. It’s a pretty advanced method, I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just get straight to the rankings.

3. Carlos MarmolDude is filthy. I have no idea if he’s a complete jerk or nicer than Mr. Rogers, and I really don’t care.

4. Geovany SotoGeo could be higher on this list if he were producing this year, but as it is there are very few hitters I would rather see at the plate than Geo right now. And by very few, I mean Starlin Castro.

6. Marlon ByrdMarlon got off to a very brief rough start, but now he’s hitting about as well as he was in spring training, and also showing he is not to be messed with. Don’t let the perma-smile fool you. He’s one bad hombre.

7. Ryan DempsterDempster is boring good. Not his best work so far this year, but he’s still much better than what we’ll see from the 3 starters slotted behind him and Z in the rotation. And during the Stanley Cup playoffs, I needed a Canadian to rank pretty high.

8. Sean MarshallLike mb21, I expect Sean Marshall to disappoint us this season, but really, how many Cubs from the past three seasons (including this one) can you name that you have zero complaints about the entire time? After Sean Marshall, it gets pretty difficult to come up with names.

9. Kosuke FukudomeIt’s April, yeah, so Kosuke should maybe be even higher on this list. I like him. He’s consistently above average in right field. He is nursing a sore hamstring, but he’s part of the better-than-Pujols committee in the leadoff spot.

10. Andrew Cashner*The kid is on the DL now, which sucks, but the nearly six innings we saw from Cashner were inspiring.

11. Randy Wells*It’s almost unfathomable that at some point this spring, Randy Wells‘ value to this rotation was in question. I’m pretty sure that when Joni Mitchell wrote “Big Yellow Taxi,” she was referring to the disabled list.

12. Aramis RamirezI don’t know why Aramis is so far down on this list. It makes the Cubs look much better than they are to have him here, but I stand behind my foolish decision.

13. Jeff BakerIt’s not the sample size, it’s how you swing it. Right now Baker is swinging it to the tune of a .952 OPS. And he ranks 13th on this team? How do they suck so bad?

14. Kerry WoodKerry is the line of demarcation between the players I’m satisfied with and those with whom I’m losing patience. I’m glad for sentimental reasons Wood is on this team, but I’m afraid sentimentality is one of the only reasons he’s on this team.

24. Blake DeWittThe bottom of this list was pretty tough to sort out. Blake DeWitt has a game-winning RBI to his name (to go with a comedy of errors from last night). So he finds himself atop the scrappy heap.

25. Reed JohnsonI like Reed. I really wish I was liking him as the occasional visiting ex-Cub instead of the occasionally used Cubs 5th outfielder. His presence on this team makes the Matt Garza trade seem all the more ridiculous.

26. John GrabowThere are times when Grabow will get the job done, especially if “the job” is allowing the other team to score runs.

27. Koyie HillI put Koyie at the bottom because he has the respect of the clubhouse and the leadership qualities necessary to handle a position of this importance. He can take this ignominious distinction. I don’t know who else is up to it.