Friday, October 20, 2006

She Don't Lie, She Don't Lie, She Don't Lie....

Hey White Dade, I wanted to aks you, since blow is basically an upper, how does it exactly make you feel? How is it different from a double espresso (which I'm addicted to), or from E, which I've tried a long time ago? Weed is my favorite, so far.

Okay, first of all if Weed is your favorite I really don’t want to have anything to do with you. I’m not even sure why I’m wasting my time responding to your question. I must be hard up for ideas. Weed is not even a drug, it’s an excuse to do nothing with your life. Say what you will about cokeheads and tweakers, but at least they get shit done. By “shit” I may mean taking apart a radio and putting it back together 14 times, but at least you got off the couch. Have you ever seen a fat cokehead? Okay, yes, but not many. The point is weed is for people who can’t handle real drugs and if you are a fan of it I suggest you stay playing AA ball and let the rest of us enjoy our time in the majors.

Second, please do not ever again refer to ecstasy as “E” in my presence. You say E, I’m thinking you want to know how you’re gonna feel if you take too much alpha tocopherol before you go to Crobar. Or maybe Echinacea. Rolls, beans, X, those are all acceptable. E makes you sound like a High School Girl form Northern California who is weighing the merits of making the trip to Burning Man.

Now to your question: How does cocaine differ from a double espresso? That would be kind of like saying how does fucking Madonna compare with Monday Night Missionary with your steady girlfriend. Yeah, they’re both essenetially the same thing, but one is a nice way to feel good and the other will have you driving to a differnt time zone to get some more. You drink a double espresso, you get a little energized, then maybe you “fender bend” and get a little tired. I use that term because the word “crash” should be reserved for the terrific bloodbath of carnage and red asphalt that is the comedown from cocaine. You put some blow up your nose, and all of a sudden you can pretty much lick any man in the room. And you can fuck any girl in there too. For hours. Or so you think until you actually get the opportunity and your dick is about as hard as it is when you are in a freezing cold swimming pool with your grandma. And she’s naked. You ride along for a while and all of a sudden something happens. Maybe a song changes, maybe the light come on, maybe you remember that you have to be at work in two hours, but all at once that perfect world of confidence and coordination goes out the window and your entire world falls apart.

When you do ecstasy, it is sometimes fun to try and think of something bad. It is pretty much impossible. When I am crashing from cocaine I try the opposite, trying to think of something good, and it is equally as difficult. You are a horrible person and a disappointment to your family for doing this disgusting drug. You are going home alone so obviously you are ugly and unworthy of anyone’s amorous advances. Your friends are all losers and you can’t talk to them. Your car sucks. You are going to get to your job and everyone is going to know you were out doing blow all night. You wish for a simpler time in elementary school back when you really believed you could “Just Say No!” And then you see, out on the horizon, the sun coming up. Wow, you think, what kind of depraved individual stays out this late doing drugs and wasting their life? Now I’m going to sleep all day and have wasted another…oh, what’s that? You’ve got some more? Oh, hook me up, baby! YES! Okay, I’m back! Oh, look at the sunrise, how beautiful. Man, I can’t wait to get to work and knock out all those TPS reports I gotta do. I’m gonna kick some ass. I love my boss, and he’s gonna be so impressed. I am a GOLDEN FUCKING GOD!

See, the inherent problem with coke is that while it makes you confident, excited, optimistic, coordinated and overtly sexual, when it wears off (in about a half an hour) it makes you feel like the biggest loser on the planet. Not like alcohol where you are physically uncomfortable, or ecstasy or acid where you’re just in a haze. You are just tired and depressed and really just want some time to yourself. I stopped doing blow after I was out all night one night and had to fly from Sacramento to Miami the next morning. As soon as the Cabin lights turned off, I crashed. Hard. I considered jumping out of the plane several times and that was when I decided to never touch the shit again. Have I since? Of course, I did date multiple strippers after that. But save for a couple of individual lines, I have left the White Dust From Hell alone for the better part of the last year and a half. The crash is not worth the high, and the only solution is, well, more blow. So when that feeling is gone, and you wanna ride on…..

Weed is great. No one has ever died from it. And not everyone who smokes it smokes it to excess.

It's got psychological withdrawal symptoms but no physical ones. Easier to kick than alcohol or cigarettes, or so I hear, and, in moderation, takes the edge off long commutes and short tempers.

Sure, if you smoke like Cheech and Chong did in the movies, you wind up fucked up, but in real life, it looks like only Tommy Chong went that route.

Cheech Marin has built up a respectable body of work since those days, from his stint in children's programnming as Cheech the Bus Driver to his second banana roles to Don Johnson in Tin Cup and on Nash Bridges to his status as a first line collector and exhibitor of Latino folk art.

Is there a more fun song to sing around the campfire than Jonathan Edwards' "Shanty"?

I wouldn't mock your drug of choice. Why must you mock mine?

Also, it's not an erection inhibitor like extasy or alcohol.

(I'm married, so that issue is largely theoretical for me, but I'd think that would be of some import to a single young man about town like your studly self.)

I agree with David in DC. No need to hate on weed. My boyfriend's the king of stoners, and he's managing to polish off a masters degree and is planning on a PhD after that. Not only that, but the weed gives him a wonderfully easygoing personality. And it smells nice too!

I won't hate on any of them, but I will say that the older I get the more frustrated I get with 1) cokedick; 2) x-dick and 3) that point in the evening when you realized that you've taken too much, and you shouldn't have done that bump when you got home, and now all there is to do is clean up your place and jack down the a/c nice n' low, so that when the cops have to bust in to find your body (you know, from the overdose), your place is clean, and by virtue of the jacked down a/c you're not all that rotten, and your parents won't be that ashamed, because, yeah, you died of a drug overdose, but at least your place wasn't a festering hellhole...

Then, all there is to do is lie down and breathe slowly and try to get your heart-rate below that of a hamster's.

Also, I will venture to say that there are few worse feelings than stumbling out of SPACE at 9:30 on a sunny Sunday morning, adjusting the sunglasses you've been wearing since 5:30 a.m., and heading back over the Causeway to the Beach, whizzing past bicyclists and respectable people going to church, knowing that you're throwing your life away, and that you're about to sleep until it's dark, when you'll wake up, wonder what it used to be like to feel any joy, take a sleeping pill and go back to sleep, while bracing yourself for the next three hazy days...

Since you mentioned stripper girlfriends, it seems like there is an analogy to be drawn between them and coke. In my admittedly limited experience with both, it seems neither is really a good habit, although it never looks that way at the beginning....

Anon, I don't know why I'm arguing with you, because trying to explain things to you, anonymouses, is like trying to explain math to my cat (no, I still can't keep you apart in my head). But here goes: if you use drugs for fun, they don't suck. The situation you described happens when you use a drug to escape reality. When you don't, you're just looking for a better high than booze gives you, and you have no problem with coming back to reality.

White Dade, it's obvious you have a strong opinion about not using Marijuana, or Cocaine, but you seem to soften your stance when it comes to the recreational use of Ecstasy. Can we take this to mean, when the time is right, you're down from dropping some E?