Choose to Forgive, Because You Deserve to Be Happier

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If you want to be happy or even happiest person in the world you must learn to be forgive. Forgive...

If you want to be happy or even happiest person in the world you must learn to be forgive. Forgiveness is the key to happiness-but how do you actually do it? When we begin to practice forgiveness, the world becomes a better place to live. I've been learning how to forgive over the past year. It's been
rough. It's a tangled web of relationships changed and complex emotions.

The
hardest part for me is knowing where to go from here. I'm in a much
better place now that I've started the road of forgiveness. I'm not
holding a grudge anymore and I'm not holding out for an apology. I'm
moving on, but I'm still not sure what complete forgiveness looks like
in this situation. Should I hope for the relationship to be redeemed and
work toward that? Or should I wash my hands of the relationship and
completely move on?

Being an emotionally healthy human adult is so
exhausting some times. Thanks for the reminder that forgiveness is the
better option and that it's worth it. It is a reminder I needed today.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent
of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned. " -Buddha

Few people fully realize the huge impact the ability to forgive can
have on their happiness, nor do most people think of this as a skill
that they need to teach and practice with their children. But important
it is: forgiving people tend to be happier, healthier, and more
empathetic (and like the Buddha, more serene, agreeable, and spiritual).

The inability to forgive, on the other hand, tends to make
us into those people—we all know a few—who can't seem to stop plotting
revenge or ruminating about how they've been wronged. Researchers find
unforgiving people tend to be hateful, angry, and hostile—which also
makes them anxious, depressed, and neurotic. So unless we are okay with
our children embodying those qualities, we need to teach them how and
why to forgive others.
Part of going through life with other human beings means sometimes
experiencing hurt and betrayal, injury and loss. Childhood can be
particularly fraught with meanness and bullying. Children don't emerge
into the world with perfect social competence, and as we are learning to
become kinder and better people, we inevitably make mistakes. One of
the most difficult but important lessons we can teach our children is
that when we hold a grudge—for something large and seemingly justified,
or for something small but irksome—we continue to injure ourselves. Recommended:

Preoccupation with a transgression or hostility towards another can
actually make us physically sick. And when we hold onto negative
emotions like anger, bitterness, and hatred, we all but eliminate the
possibility that we will experience a positive emotion in that moment,
because we can't experience joy when we are expressing resentment, or
gratitude when harboring anger.

Why should we forgive?

Well, there are many reasons, but I’m only going to focus on a few.The first is because, believe it or not, forgiveness is a pleasurable
experience. No kidding, it feels much better than anger or hate. God
has designed forgiveness as a powerful blessing for those who have been
hurt. The experience of truly forgiving somebody can make you more happy than if you’d never been hurt in the first place.

The second reason for you to forgive is that it removes you from
being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first
place. If it was a bad business deal, then you get to be free of it and
maintain your integrity. If it was a family member talking behind your
back, you get to remove yourself completely from all the complications
of gossip. Forgiveness sets you free from being bogged down in knee-deep
mud. Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it feels like to be God, and
it’s a terrific feeling. God forgave us because it gave Him pleasure to
do so. He was happy to do so. Recommended:

How to Forgive

We teach forgiveness when we forgive others ourselves because our
children learn from what we model. We also need to teach our children directly how to forgive. But forgiving other people is challenging. It is not about forgetting, as the adage would have us believe, but about letting go, about choosing positive emotions over negative ones.

1. Tell family stories about times when you've hurt others

During dinner, for example, take turns reflecting on a time when you
each were forgiven. Recall a time when you hurt someone else, either
intentionally or accidentally. Then discuss whether or not you feel
forgiven for the offense. If you feel you've been forgiven, here are
some questions to discuss:

How do you know you've been forgiven?

Why do you think the person forgave you?

Do you think the person you hurt felt better or worse after they forgave you?

How did you feel after you were forgiven?

What is your relationship like with the person now?

Did this experience make you more or less likely to repeat the hurtful behavior?

What did you learn from the whole ordeal?

2. Role-play empathy and forgiveness

Pick a
family member to be the forgiver in this exercise, and ask them to
describe a particular person that they blame for something hurtful.
Then, stand in the offender's shoes: Why might he have done what he
did? What emotions might he have been feeling? Encourage the forgiver
to see the broadest picture possible and to give the offender the
benefit of the doubt—to imagine the lots of different things that the
offender might have been going through. Remind everyone that practicing
empathy is not the same as excusing bad behavior, but that it is simply
a technique for letting go of anger. Finally, role-play
forgiving. What would you say to the offender? What emotions are you
feeling as you do the role-play? Try on the facial expressions that you
think that you might have when expressing forgiveness. What does your
body feel like when you're feeling or expressing forgiveness?

3. Write a forgiveness letter

Help kids write
about a time they were hurt in a letter that they may or may not ever
send to the person who hurt them. Have them illustrate how they were
affected by it at the time and the hurtful or negative feelings they are
still experiencing. They can state what they wish the offender had
done instead. Have them end this forgiveness letter with an explicit
statement of forgiveness, understanding, and even empathy if they can
muster it. For example: "I imagine that you didn't realize that what
you said would make me cry, and so I forgive you for hurting my
feelings."

Forgiving is tough business. It takes courage and resolve to let go
of negative feelings when we've been wronged. Fortunately it gets
easier with practice & especially if we start with the small
stuff and get in the habit early on—and it makes us stronger and better
people.

4. Accept it

Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyze it. It happened. This
will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it as a
fact that you can’t change.From there, you’re at a place to forgive. It will be hard work, but
it’s worth it. Sit and pray for the person you’ve been hating. Sit and
imagine them with a good life, them coming to realize that what they did
was wrong, maybe not to you, but to somebody, perhaps to God.

5. Love forgives, and so does God, and so can you.

The third reason to forgive is that you open yourself up to amazing
possibilities for a happy life. When you don’t forgive, you draw the
curtains in your soul and your life gets dark. When you forgive you let
the light in again, and you go on about your life in peace. And don’t
you want some peace? Isn’t it time for some peace?

The greatest thing about forgiveness is it will allow you to love again. It will allow you to love and be loved. And believe me, it’s worth it. Forgiveness is tough, for sure, but love is infinitely more valuable
than the pain forgiveness costs. No matter what you have to go through
to forgive, you’re getting a steal of a deal to be able to love and be
loved again. Pay the price and I promise you’ll be happy you did.

Editors Note: Forgiveness is the most precious treasure that we can give ourselves.
When we are willing to forgive, we are guaranteed a life of peace,
gratitude, wisdom, expansion and growth. If not, we are destined to a
life of blame, resentment, pain, self-pity, guilt and anger.To be happy, forgiveness begins with ourselves first.
Each time we beat ourselves up for the past, for mistakes or bad choices
that we have made, we stay trapped in a shell of toxic shame and
self–abuse.

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