My exhusband was PA. His big one was to ignore and grump around when he was upset about something. It didn't necessarily have to be something I did (maybe he was upset about something at work), but of course I assumed it was me (and it usually was). I would spend a lot of time asking "what's wrong," and his response was always, "Nothing." "Why are you mad?" "I'm not mad." It would eventually come out, but not for days, weeks, months, usually in a fight where I would get blamed for any number of things. The thing is, there were times I had no idea what he was talking about. Or I didn't remember enough detail about the situation to explain what happened. Meanwhile, he had several days/weeks/months to stew and brew and create his own assumptions and "reality" of the situation. How can you explain yourself when he already knows "exactly what happened" and you can't remember the thing that got him upset in the first place? How many issues could be resolved if he brought it up right away?

He would also yell something nasty or leave a nasty note and walk out the door...gone.

Bottom line, though, this was part of his abuse, which escalated when I started calling him on his behavior or not responding to it. I spent so much time worrying about what I was doing wrong and trying to fix it, as if I could read his mind, at some point you give up. So as I'm sure you guessed, the marriage ended and what a breath of fresh air, I'm still giddy not being under that weight anymore, 10 years later.

I had a boyfriend give me a gift certificate as a Christmas gift, then got mad that I didn't spend it on him.

That reminds me of something my stepfather said to me. I was home at 10pm from work, starving and with low blood sugar and he wanted to have a serious conversation about something to me. I asked politely if he could wait until I finished my dinner, as I could give him a better response, and he told me that I was being selfish.

You know I never understand people who want to have a heart to heart/serious conversation when people are hungry and tired.

I know with me the only thing that is guaranteed to happen is that my nice filter will be malfunctioning and my responses will be along the vein of bullet point answers and RAWWWWR HUNGER NOM NOM SLEEP.

My ex-husband used to wake me up at midnight to have serious discussions and extract promises from me. Then he would later accuse me of betraying him and lying to him when I didn't keep said promises that I didn't even remember making and probably only mumbled mm-hmm to so that I could GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I've recently been tracking my sleep patterns and found that I have a 90-minute segment of super deep sleep around midnight every night, so he was waking me from a *dead* sleep.

That reminds me of something my stepfather said to me. I was home at 10pm from work, starving and with low blood sugar and he wanted to have a serious conversation about something to me. I asked politely if he could wait until I finished my dinner, as I could give him a better response, and he told me that I was being selfish.

You know I never understand people who want to have a heart to heart/serious conversation when people are hungry and tired.

I know with me the only thing that is guaranteed to happen is that my nice filter will be malfunctioning and my responses will be along the vein of bullet point answers and RAWWWWR HUNGER NOM NOM SLEEP.

My ex-husband used to wake me up at midnight to have serious discussions and extract promises from me. Then he would later accuse me of betraying him and lying to him when I didn't keep said promises that I didn't even remember making and probably only mumbled mm-hmm to so that I could GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I've recently been tracking my sleep patterns and found that I have a 90-minute segment of super deep sleep around midnight every night, so he was waking me from a *dead* sleep.

EX-husband.

Oh, gosh. I was in a long relationship with the won't-let-me-eat/sleep abuser and eventually divorced Mr. That's-Not-What-You-Said-At-One a.m.-Last-Night. Who knew there was a whole squad out there??

My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was another 'It's 4 AM, now is the time for Serious Discussions!' And she would often be upset about something that there was *no way* of fixing at that time, then get mad that he didn't care enough to do anything about it. Something to do with finances would be the most common, and she'd insist it need to get dealt with *right away*...despite everything being closed, and the situation having been happening for the last few days anyhow...surely it could wait another 6 hours...

lol. Yes, I am giving the PA person what they want -- they want to talk to me when I'm hungry or tired...they got it. But once they get me going, they won't be able to shut me up. I don't usually get angry or nasty just so unfocused that they won't be able to have the conversation they want.

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"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams

Has anyone ever had a situation where you gave the PA person what he/she wanted--for example, saying "Okay" in response to "Well, fine. I'll just do it myself/stay out of it/whatever"--and had that person get angry that you called their bluff? I can't tell you how many times I've had that happen, responded with "Okay", and had whoever I was arguing with round on me and say, "No, you're not supposed to answer me with that!"

Short version: Ever had the other person throw a tantrum when you don't follow the script?

Has anyone ever had a situation where you gave the PA person what he/she wanted--for example, saying "Okay" in response to "Well, fine. I'll just do it myself/stay out of it/whatever"--and had that person get angry that you called their bluff? I can't tell you how many times I've had that happen, responded with "Okay", and had whoever I was arguing with round on me and say, "No, you're not supposed to answer me with that!"

Short version: Ever had the other person throw a tantrum when you don't follow the script?

Yep. My response? "Tough nuggies." PA does not make me want to cooperate with you, even if your request is reasonable. Heck, if you have a possibly silly request and you ask nicely, I may very well do it. Play games, and I'm done.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

I'm thinking this is PA but I'm not sure exactly how to give them what they want or what they hoped to accomplish (but it seems to fit the theme of our conversation at this point, so here you go). Twice I've had someone decide that the time to start having a serious discussion about their family (in other words, not about me) was when I absolutely could not give them my full attention.

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

And once was with a very good friend. We had dropped another friend off at Ready Care because she'd sprained her ankle. I had to grab something to eat (I get low blood sugar), get 1st friend back to her car and then get 2nd friend from Ready Care. 1st friend wants to linger over fast food and talk in depth about the problems her family is having. I finally had to cut her off and remind her that 2nd friend was waiting at Ready Care.

On the whole, no, although I can now think of one other time she wanted to start a serious discussion when I had to go elsewhere. She's normally a very generous and giving person, so these few-and-far-between moments of wanting my attention when my attention clearly has to be elsewhere are a little weird.

I'm thinking this is PA but I'm not sure exactly how to give them what they want or what they hoped to accomplish (but it seems to fit the theme of our conversation at this point, so here you go). Twice I've had someone decide that the time to start having a serious discussion about their family (in other words, not about me) was when I absolutely could not give them my full attention.

Once was in the car with my mom. I was navigating an icy stretch of freeway with lots of slideoffs, and this is the time she wants to talk about how worried she is about her sister's health.

I would say it depends on the situation. I know someone who does stuff like this regularly. Part of it is that she is just not a very appropriate person. Certain life experiences make her just plain insensitive to things like timing. But part of it is that she is a very insecure person. So there are times when I can say, "Not now, I'm dealing with a huge issue." And she'll say. "OK." But there are other times when it's clear that she has purposefully timed things to see if I will prioritize her over other things in my life. An example of this is that she would regularly call me at work just to see if I'd drop work (no matter what kind of crisis I was in) for her. Or she would call me right after a death in the family and try and get me to skip out of the funeral to take care of her. She also has done the talk when I'm hungry and tired but it's not to get me to agree to anything. It's to see if I will prioritize her above my basic needs.

I think the most telling thing is the follow up. If she says, "Can we talk about X now?" and is reasonable than I figure the earlier behavior was just her being unaware. But sometimes it's "Well I TRIED to talk about X with you and you didn't want to." or "You don't care about me." or "You love your job more than you love me." Then I know it was a passive-aggressive tactic.