Hey Thebo, I wish you luck.I'm sure if you'll work with those kids that you will do great job with art therapy !I hope you are feeling better now relating to your insight into darkness at therapy, there is always some light at the end of tunnel.Hang on buddy.Pero

Thebo, what scares you the most of these upcoming challenges?Please share wit us more. I truly believe in you and that you'll succeed no matter on difficulties. You already proved your resilience, and not just once! I would always bet on you

I just found this thread...and read it all the way through from Jun 29 2011's first post.

This is a powerful contribution to the MS community here, because you are speaking the words for all of us who are pushing through to live at a higher elevation.

Thanks for bringing us along. It's a better journey because of the good company.

_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

I am so going to enjoy the first course in my specialization, Art Therapy 1.

A lot has happened since July 23rd when I last posted. I got a job as a Youth Specialist for juvenile offenders, mainly based on my art background and, as one person told me, my honesty and directness(?!). I ended up turning down the job because I would have been required to physically subdue young people between the ages of 9-18. That was one of many things. We also had extensive training in how to break free from attacks, i.e., being strangled or attacked with a knife.

We were told that on a regular basis youth will falsely accuse employees of sexual abuse. That's where the panic hit me. I realized I would not be able to bear up under that stress at all.

I realized the job was fraught with triggers and my responsibility was to help these kids get a second chance, not work out my csa recovery through them.

However, two people from the organization are keeping their eyes open for other non-contact positions.

When I told them I could not do the job I had to disclose. Even though they were understanding, I hated it. I want no one to know. My T was on me again tonight about my lack of a support network. He said he was very worried a little over two weeks ago when we checked in by phone while he was on vacation. I had the bottle of vodka and was heading to the CVS for the sleeping pills. So, tonight we haggled over building a support network. Didn't get too far.

Wow, Thebo. I'm glad you're talking to your therapist. I hope you're making good choices. Hell, anyone can enjoy a few drinks, and everyone needs to sleep, but a) don't put yourself in a position where you can hurt yourself and b) don't put yourself in a situation where your judgment is compromised and you might make shitty decisions.

Art therapy seems like a great avenue for you professionally, but maybe it would be better to take on the art side and do the art therapy yourself and for yourself, at least until shit doesn't trigger you and where you don't feel endangered. Of course, you might always feel endangered by a job where you might be called on to physically subdue someone... but hell it would be great if you could pursue something that you're passionate about.

As an example, I'm a journalist. I got into journalism because I was conflicted about the idea of truth. I thought I was a lying sack of shit, or at least a compulsive liar, but I love and have always admired truth-tellers. So I found myself attracted to journalism because of its clarity. For instance, when I was a police reporter, I'd write about where a fatal car accident took place, who died, how fast the car had been traveling, what the road was like, who the deceased was, and on and on. And as time went on and I finally faced the truth about my past abuse and the duplicity, secrecy and shame of my adult life, I found that the process of writing has really helped me.

But I'm not interested in having anything to do with writing, in a straightforward non-anonymous way, about sexual abuse or anything. For instance, I only PM (and that almost never) with male survivors. Just the other day, a troubled spouse of a survivor PM'd me with a nice note about how one of my posts had helped her. Part of my sickness is that I immediately find myself attracted to the idea of gaming out a scenario where I pair off with her and fuck her in some illicit affair! So I told her, not rudely, to back off! That kind of crap (that PM from her and my reaction to it) turns this excellent and healing environment into just another place where I could lead a double life of shame and sleaze! Believe me, there's a little voice in my head that's like, What the hell! Don't send that blow-off email! Send a smooth reply! Be the good guy! Let her lean on your shoulder!

But I know better than that. I know that I need to put my energy on myself, on my family, on my wife and kids, on healing, on honesty, on the here-and-now.

And so I urge you not to worry overmuch about this job not working out. It's not a sign or signal of anything except your good judgment. You took a good long look and understood that it could be trouble for you. And you walked away. Good job. Keep looking. Keep searching. Keep seeking. And always remember that serendipity is a powerful force. If you keep your mind open and your eyes open... if you keep healing and moving forward... you will find a place that fits for you, a place where you can earn a decent living and carry on the life you want to lead. I know it can work. Good luck. My prayers go with you.

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