Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Homer: No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer: I like stories.

Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Mr. Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

Smithers: But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

[In the men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]

Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer: [bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

Smithers: NOOOOO!

Marge: So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Lyle Lanley: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map. Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail. What'd I say?

Ned: Monorail!

Lyle: What's it called?

Patty and Selma: Monorail.

Lyle: That's right, monorail! (the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as the song begins)

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. [shot of Godzilla appears in the background.] Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names. "I.P Freely". Uh... [realizes] Grrr!

Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they will have written the greatest novel known to man. [reading] "It was the best of times, it was the 'blurst' of times"? You stupid monkey! [strikes the monkey, which screeches] Oh, shut up.

Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gained the most weight. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Oh, my God!

Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer?

Homer Simpson: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

Bobby: And now the award from most improved odor. Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: Yes!

Bobby: And the person who traveled the least distance to be here. Well, kiss my grits, Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson: What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.

Principal Dondelinger: Ahem. Class of '74, I was just leafing through your permanent records when I discovered something shocking. Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1-A and thus never graduated from high school.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late '30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves.

Lisa: Write a cartoon ourselves? Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bart: Probably not. [in his mind, Bart is thinking about holding Santa Claus at gunpoint] Lie in the snow and count to 60. [Bart leaps into the sleigh and cracks the reins] Hiyah! [laughs evilly as he flies into the distance] Merry Christmas, suckers!

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: Now Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of [looks at bottle] delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... [hugs bottle] so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial. Excuse me. [Hutz rushes out of courtroom to call his best friend] Hello, David? I'm really tempted!