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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Last Saturday night Sara and I
were at the Playhouse to see the Lusaka Musical Society’s latest masterpiece – ‘Let
Them Yap’. As the curtain rose, there in
the middle of the stage, on his gold throne, sat the magnificent Emperor of Zed.
He was wearing his shimmering golden Chinese suit, a glittering crown on his
head, as he looked down imperiously upon his domain.

As the orchestra in the pit struck
up with a jolly tune, the Emperor rose to his feet and burst into song:

I am the Emperor of the Promised Land,

My promises are very grand.

I am an autocratic democrat,

I sit and order this and that.

And if they say I can’t do that,

I don’t care! Let them yap!

As he was singing, a motley crowd
of people dressed in rags had gathered at the foot of the golden steps leading
to the golden throne. And they answered the Emperor with their own song:

You are the Emperor of the Promised Land,

Your promises slip away like sand.

You promised a constitution new

Not a constitutional stew.

You cannot give us that,

This is crap! This is crap!

But the Emperor answered them,
singing:

To ‘fifty percent plus one’ I can agree

But only if that one is me!

I much prefer ‘first past the post’,

If it’s me that gets the most!

I promised freedom of expression

Except for those in opposition.

And freedom to assemble anywhere

Except in any public square.

So be careful where you yap

Lest you walk right in my trap

But the good people of Zed were
not impressed:

You promised you’d save the kwacha,

But the kwacha came a cropper.

You promised all prosperity,

But all we have is poverty.

You are the Emperor of Zed,

But all your promises are dead.

Now the Emperor looked a bit sad,
and tried to explain himself…

I promised more hospitals, but the curse is,

I have no medicines, doctors or
nurses.

As all my promises slip away,

I have other things to fill my day.

As my ambition grows and grows

I just build more roads and roads.

Roads to here and roads to there,

I build roads everywhere.

But as he was singing, a gang of
thugs in fake military uniforms and red berets came shouting into the palace, and
the protesters ran screaming for their lives. The audience clapped and cheered,
shouting ‘More! More!’

So now the Golden Emperor walked
to the front of the stage, danced a little jig, and then sang a confidential
little song for our additional entertainment:

I promise employment for the youth,

Especially those long in the tooth.

I’ll put an end to all corruption,

But for my friends I’ll make
exception.

The rule of law I will preserve,

Except for laws which don’t deserve.

I grant to women the freedom to be
bold,

So long as they do as they’re told.

The number of my ministers will be
fewer,

Except for those coming from the
sewer.

Once a year I’ll meet the press,

Once a year, more or less.

I shall maintain law and order,

Except for panga mayhem and murder.

And I grant to all the right to yap!

Let them yap! Let them yap! Let them
yap!

He danced a little jig as the
curtain came down, and we all stood up and clapped and cheered.

‘It’s all so easy in the theatre’
said Sara. ‘But in real life, it’s a big problem to bring down the curtain.’

Michael: My
Lady, so many people wanted to kidnap my girlfriend, the beautiful
Constitution. My lady, I had sworn to protect my Constitution, but I had
enemies who wanted to abduct her and misuse and abuse her. So when I heard a
noise from the bathroom, My Lady, I was terrified. In the pitch black of the
night, I picked up my gun, then picked up my legs, and moved stealthily to the
bathroom.

Kalaki Nel: Mr
Pistorius, who are these enemies you are so afraid of?

Michael: They
are so many, My Lady. But the worst is Technical Committee. He has sworn to steal
my Constitution from me, and subject her to his will and base lusts and
desires, and to turn her into his slave. My Lady, I had to protect my beautiful
Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And
tell, Mr Pistorius, why were you so in love with your Constitution?

Michael: My
lady, when I am with my Constitution I am a real man. She gives me my power. With
my beautiful Constitution everybody looks up to me, I command the universe, and
people obey my every command. This Technical Committee wanted to steal my
power.

Kalaki Nel: So
now, without your Constitution, you are a broken man?

Michael: Yes,
My Lady. (Sobs for a couple of minutes
into his handkerchief)

Kalaki Nel: OK,
so now you reach for your gun and make for the bathroom. Was Constitution lying
on the bed?

Michael: No,
My Lady, she was not on the bed.

Kalaki Nel: Ha
ha, how do you know that? You said the night was pitch black!

Michael: She
always slept under the bed, My Lady, she was so afraid of Technical Committee.

Kalaki Nel:
So did you look under the bed to check if she was there?

Michael: Yes,
My Lady. But I couldn’t see her because the night was pitch black.

Kalaki Nel: So
you went to the bathroom door and fired four shots straight through it.

Michael: Yes,
My Lady. I had to protect my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Did
anybody scream?

Michael: Yes
My Lady, I screamed because I was terrified. Then I screamed at Constitution to
phone the Panga Force on 991. But she didn’t reply. It was then that I became
terrified that I had shot my beloved Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Then you went
and got your panga and hacked a hole in the door, only to find our beautiful
Constitution blown to pieces, with blood all over the bathroom floor.

Now
a court official obligingly placed a green plastic bucket in front of Michael,
so that he could have a prolonged vomit. After he had finally recovered himself
the cross-examination continued…

Kalaki Nel: I put it to
you, Mr Pistorius, that you have misled this court. I put it to you that our
beloved Constitution did not come to your house of her own free will, but you
kidnapped her and brought her to your house.

Michael: No,
My Lady, it’s not true. I always respected my beloved Constitution, she came to
my house to give me a Valentine’s present.

Kalaki Nel: I
put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you wanted an opportunity to accuse her of breaking
her promises to you. You were jealous because she had left you and was instead
dating Technical Committee. And you were also in a rage because Technical
Committee had transformed her by the power of love. She was so now so beautiful
and so admired by everybody that she became known as People’s Constitution. But
you were so jealous that you kidnapped her, to get her back.

Michael: It’s
not true, My Lady. I never kidnapped her. She came to visit me because she
loved me.

Kalaki Nel: I
put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you had a shouting match with Constitution
that night, because you had fallen into a jealous rage after she left you for
Technical Committee. When she refused to come back to you, you threatened her
with a gun.

Michael: No,
My Lady. That was not possible. I loved my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And
when she tried to run away from you, and locked herself in the bathroom, you
fired through the door and murdered her.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

INFORMATION
TO THE PUBLIC: This notice
serves to put the nation on public alert that the People’s Constitution has
been stolen. This theft was perpetrated by persons as yet unknown, but known to
be purposely acting against the will of the people with a view to usurping legitimate
government.

CALL
TO ACTION: This
information is therefore a call to action to prevent the completion of a coup
d’etat, where a small group of criminals are attempting to capture state power
in order to distribute state resources entirely amongst themselves.

DUTY
TO SEARCH: In
order to avert this constitutional crisis, all citizens are called upon to
conduct a national search to find the missing People’s Constitution.

NEED
TO EXCLUDE INVESTIGATORY AGENCIES: Unfortunately the existing state
investigatory agencies cannot be called upon to participate in this search, since
there is a strong possibility that the coup d’etat process is already in the
process of taking place, so that these agencies must be presumed to be already
taking orders from the perpetrators of the theft.

PLACES
TO SEARCH: Given the nature
of the crime, the first places to search are the grounds, homes and offices of rogue
government officials, who are the prime suspects in this crime. Since the
intention of the thieves is to bury the People’s Constitution, the first search
priority should be large government lawns, especially those along Independence
Avenue, which should be systematically dug up.

ORGANISATION
OF THE SEARCH: The
search is being organized by the Church, where plans are communicated by
whispering during Sunday morning prayers. Under no circumstances should you use
cell-phones or e-mail to discuss search organization, since it must be assumed
that all electronic means of communication are controlled by the gang of
thieves.

ACTION
IF FOUND: In the event
that you find the People’s Constitution, you should under no account take it to
your local police station, where you would be arrested for theft. You should
instead take the Constitution to your nearest Catholic Church, or otherwise
give it to the Bishop of your diocese.

APPREHENSION
OF SUSPECTS: In the event
that you identify suspects on whose property the People’s Constitution was
found, do not attempt to apprehend the suspects or to take them to the police
station or to bring them before a court of law. Due to the current undermining
of legitimate authority by rogue elements within government, these institutions
are not employed to protect people from criminals, but instead are employed to
protect criminals from the people. A document setting out the people’s rights
is therefore a direct challenge to their authority.

ROADMAP
FOR RETURN TO LEGITIMATE GOVERNMENT: Since the Church
is now the only remaining venue for the voice of the people to be heard, the
People’s Constitution will be put to a referendum by public acclamation at
church meetings to be held on the Sunday after the People’s Constitution has
been restored to the people.

PENALTIES
FOR THE THEFT: Once
the People’s Constitution has been approved, and legitimate government
restored, all the people suspected of the earlier theft of the People’s
Constitution will be charged with treason in the newly established Court of the
People.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

‘Have you heard the latest?’ asked Kupela. ‘Michael seems to have disappeared again.’

‘Are you saying he has completely evaporated?’ Sara wondered. ‘Or that he disappeared from one place in order to re-appear somewhere else?’

‘Obviously I mean that he seems to have disappeared from Zambia,’ Kupela retorted. ‘Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.’

‘So where has he reappeared?’ asked Sara.

‘I didn’t say that I knew where he had gone. All I’m saying is that nobody has seen him since he was supposed to have come back from Brussels last Friday.’

‘But how can you possibly know that nobody has seen him? Or do you just mean that you haven’t seen him? Were you supposed to have lunch with him or what?’

‘Your mother has got a point,’ I said. ‘I mean, taking another example, you haven’t seen us for a couple of weeks, but did you suspect that we had disappeared? Luckily lots of other people have seen us during the past two weeks, so we haven’t been worried that we had disappeared.’

‘Look,’ said Kupela irritably, ‘I’m not talking about two retirees in Chainda not being seen. I’m talking about the president, who we expect to see on TV or facebook. Why didn’t we see him being greeted at the airport when he got back from Brussels? Why has there been nothing on George Chellah’s facebook page, leaving ZNBC without any news to report? Without the latest news on Michael murdering the constitution we have had to listen to the latest news on Oscar Pistorius murdering his girlfriend. And this is not the first time.’

‘Not the first time Oscar has murdered his girlfriend?’

‘Not the first time Michael has disappeared after attending a conference. ’

‘After the previous conference he didn’t disappear,’ laughed Sara, ‘he was seen by Zambian doctors in London. Being a patriotic fellow, he didn’t want to be seen by foreign doctors, so he had to go to London.’

‘Look,’ I said, ‘even if Michael has disappeared from George Chellah’s facebook page it doesn’t mean that he has disappeared from Zambia. And even if Michael had departed to some secret destination, Chellah could easily have written a few lies about Michael being in Zambia, busy consulting with his advisers, or whatever.’

‘That’s exactly why I think he has disappeared!’ replied Kupela. ‘If Chellah actually knew where Michael really was, he could easily have made up a plausible lie. But to tell a good lie you need to know what the truth actually is. So the absence of any story on facebook means that he doesn’t know the truth either! That’s why I say Michael has disappeared.’

‘So what’s your theory about what has happened to him?’ I asked.

‘The last report we have from Michael was on the Real Michael Sata facebook page on Friday, when Michael reported that he was stranded at Amsterdam airport after George Chellah ran off with an air hostess, accidentally taking with him all the tickets for the entire entourage. After that, all was silence. And then, later in the day, it was reported that flight MS370 from Amsterdam to Johannesburg had disappeared from radar screens and was last seen headed for the Indian Ocean.’

‘Ha ha,’ I laughed. ‘Now we have an even less believable version of Michael’s disappearance story. If I am not on a radar screen, does it mean I have disappeared?’

‘And if he disappeared from Chellah’s facebook page,’ laughed Sara, ‘that was more likely because Chellah was fired after running off with the tickets.’

‘If that were the case,’ persisted Kupela. ‘Why haven’t we been given the TV entertainment of Michael firing Chellah? And why no questions in the media about Michael’s strange disappearance? What’s going on?’

‘If there were any mystery about his whereabouts,’ I said, ‘Watchdog would tell us where he really is.’

‘That concludes my argument,’ declared Kupela triumphantly. ‘He has disappeared so completely that even Watchdog doesn’t know where he is!’

‘You are suffering from a lack of logic,’ I laughed. ‘It is always impossible to prove a negative proposition. Just because Michael is not seen does not prove that he has disappeared. It just means that nobody has seen him.’

‘So what’s your explanation for nobody seeing him?’ asked Kupela.

‘There’s an infinite number of possible explanations,’ I said. ‘It may be that he is being hidden for reasons of economic and political stability. For example, every time he opens his mouth the value of the kwacha goes down. Every time he fires a few ministers, investors say the government is unstable. Every time he threatens a bishop he loses more votes from the Catholics. Every time he campaigns at a by-election his party loses the seat. So perhaps his handlers have finally realized that it is better to lock him up in a cellar in State House where he can’t cause any more trouble.’

‘We’re missing the news,’ I said, as I turned on the TV, ‘Perhaps he’s back.’

And sure enough, there he stood, his angry eyes fixed upon the nation, saying ‘Those demanding for the constitution are just yapping. Let them yap!’

‘It’s him that does all the yapping,’ Sara laughed. ‘Our job is just to listen to him yap.’

‘Oh dear,’ I said, ‘the kwacha is going to sink again.’

‘I’m so disappointed,’ said Kupela, ‘I really thought he was gone for good.’

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I know you’re all waiting to hear the news of what I’ve
been doing in Brussels, and how I am representing my country at the centre of
power of the European Union. George Chellah is supposed to be giving you all
the news on the ‘His Excellency’ page, but he hasn’t written anything for the
past three days. He went shopping with Christine on Saturday and I haven’t seen
either of them since. Anyway, his stories are all fake, he just makes them up.

So I thought, as your Action Man, I should
just do the job myself and tell you what’s going on here. All the members of my
official delegation are completely useless. That’s why we got here three days
to early, they got the dates mixed up. My press aide is particularly useless,
even by the prevailing standards of uselessness. But don’t worry, despite all
this, your Action Man has been very active, and will tell you what is
happening.

I am staying at a seedy little hotel
in the centre of Brussels, called the Hotel Plaza, which has its front door
right on the pavement, with no garden, no carpark, nothing except a rather
smelly carpet in the foyer. How can an entire president be accommodated in such
a place?

And what is worse, the hotel is right
next to the red light district. That’s why my security men disappeared on
Saturday night and I haven’t seen them since. When I came down to breakfast
this morning I was the only one in the dining room, apart from a disheveled
travelling salesman from Malta and a family of Somalian refugees from Mogadishu.
I know a lot about them because we are all sharing the same bathroom.

I had come to scale the Summit of
European power, but have fallen into this fusty smelly boarding house. But
never mind, despite all this, I am here to represent the power and energy of
the Zambian government. Your Action Man is here to put Brussels to rights.

So I sat down and signaled a waiter to
take my order for breakfast. He came over rather slowly and reluctantly and
said ‘Yes, sir, is there a problem?’

So I said to the insolent fellow, I
said ‘Yes, you useless lumpen, there are two problems. Firstly I am My
Excellency and you should address me as Your Excellency. And secondly you’re
supposed to ask me what I want for breakfast.’

‘I’m sorry there seems to be some
mistake,’ he answered, ‘I am not much interested in what you want for
breakfast. That is entirely a matter for you to decide.’

‘Look here,’ I shouted, ‘How can you
bring me my breakfast if you don’t know what I want?’

‘I’m sorry there seems to be some
mistake,’ he repeated like a robot. ‘There is a selection of food on that long
table over there and all you have to do is to go and select some for yourself.
Here in Belgium we call it a buffet.’

‘What an insult to a person of my
position!’ I shouted. ‘I am His Excellency, bring my breakfast!’

‘There seems to be some mistake,’
repeated the robot, ‘I only bring food in the case of physical disability or
mental impairment. Do you have a medical certificate?’

‘Insolence!’ I shouted. ‘I’ve heard
enough! I demand to see the Head Waiter!’

‘I am the Head Waiter,’ replied the
robot.

‘Then bring me the Hotel Manager!’ I
demanded.

‘I am also the Hotel Manager,’ he
replied. ‘This is a small hotel.’

This was when your Action Man swung
into action, and spoke for the national interest. I marched straight down to
the foyer to make some important announcements, as a small crowd gathered to
watch a real Excellency taking command of a crisis situation.

‘The staff of this hotel are all
useless. The waiter is useless. The Head waiter is useless. And the Hotel
Manager is completely useless. They are all fired with immediate effect. In
order to honour my promises to the people of Zambia to provide employment, the
waiter will be replaced by twenty-five kaponya from Chawama. The government will
set up a new Waiter Training College in Amsterdam to ensure proper training. I
am hereby ordering my Minister of Finance to find the funds for a new road from
Amsterdam to Brussels to facilitate travel from the college to the hotel. The
Permanent Secretary of Muchinga Province is with immediate effect transferred
to the Plaza Hotel as Managing Director, to be assisted by the entire PF
provincial committee of Muchinga, who are all appointed Senior Hotel Managers.
And just as the Congo was once a province of Belgium, I hereby declare that
Brussels is now a province of Muchinga…’

But as I was busy correcting the
situation, into the foyer waltzed Christine and George. ‘What on Earth is this
meeting all about?’ asked Christine.

‘I’m just preparing for the Summit by
first sorting out this hotel,’ I explained.

‘I’ve just heard the Summit has been
cancelled,’ said Christine. ‘Your friend Mugabe organized a boycott, nobody
else is coming.’

‘Ha ha,’ I laughed, ‘nice try. But I
had already noticed that today is April 1st!’