Tuesday, 3 January 2012

DOO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DOO

Dear Internet,

Today is a day of annoyance. This, I can contribute to two things:

1. I'm living at home for the Christmas holidays and my family are often excruciating to live with. Apparently, its not okay to sleep in until 12.30 (Well, fair shout but I didn't exactly plan it). Also, it is unacceptable to have a moderately untidy, obviously lived-in bedroom with most of the mess consisting of study books scattered on the floor because my desk is eternally wobbly and always threatening to fall down. Furthermore, it is OUTRAGEOUS behaviour- according to my dad- to leave your wallet on the floor of the car by mistake. This translates as: I want to tell you off for being untidy but I cannot think of a decent example. Also: Who knew drama could be so difficult? I've been reading this book called "International Dramaturgy" that I thought would help me with my essay but its actually all about "Timberlake Wertenbaker" who just sounds like some sort of designer sausage. Oh, the hard life of a Drama/English student!!! Anyway...

2. Every radio station is playing shit music- even Classical FM and that is a true sign of desperation... So then I turn on my family's shared iTunes and am greeted by a bunch of stupid songs with stupid lyrics sung by stupid singers.

It doesn't help that I was already in a bad mood.

So Today, Internet, I'm ranting about ANNOYING POP SONGS.

1. ALL SONGS EVER RECORDED BY GLEE EVER.

It's all auto tuned. And believe it or not, music industry, auto tuning DOESN'T ACTUALLY SOUND GOOD. Don't get me wrong I love the show (in fact, I'm such a loser that I'm in my uni's Glee Club!!!) BUT WHY THE GODDAMN AUTO TUNING!!?? Everyone knows that Corey Monteith (who plays Main Character Finn) cannot sing to save his life so why cast him in a musical TV show in the first place??? I remember being abismally underwhelmed and disappointed by Glee's live X Factor performance, THANKS A BUNCH FINN.

2. Another pop person I'm a secret fan of and the girl who made country music cool again: TAYLOR SWIFT.

Now I'm not gonna criticise her too much, not like Kanye West at the VMAs, but I have a bone to pick with her arguably most popular and most well-known song: LOVE STORY. Now, really all I'm doing is wondering if Taylor Swift knows what actually happens in “Romeo and Juliet”, because if she is aware that they both kill themselves then maybe the line “Baby just say yes” is a shocking and cleverly-concealed suicide pact. :O :O :O DGM OMG LOL

3. Ke$ha.

Firstly: what's with the dollar sign in the middle of her name? Secondly: TIK TOK LYRICS. Yes, Internet, you know what I'm talking about. The Lyrics are disreputably stupid. Specifically stupid are the lyrics: “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack/ Cos when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back”. Since when does staying out all night make it okay to BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH WHISKEY??!!! :S But then Ke$ha also says she "wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy" - WHY?? and only gets with guys that look like Mick Jagger... WHY??????? ...Maybe if you drink too much whiskey then you start getting attracted to men that look like Norwegian Transvestites who have spent half their life sucking lemons (NO OFFENCE NORWAY.) But anyway...

4. I don't know who wrote this or thought it was okay to sing it but the fact that they probably made a profit shows you all that is wrong with the music industry. This song, almost certainly worst on the list, is none other than NOW YOU'RE GONE. (Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible if your ears start spontaneously bleeding.) Seriously, though, these lyrics- I DON'T GET IT- WHAT THE- I DON'T EVEN...

5. LADY GAGA

You know, I wouldn't mind her total attention-seeking over-the-top outfits and general-pretending-to-be-some-sort-of-musical-genius IF HER MUSIC OR PERSONALITY REFLECTED THAT. The truth is she has no personality and so must hide behind her crazy-stupid stunts because otherwise nobody would give a damn. It might make some sense to have these ridiculous outfits and music videos and weirdo stage persona if her music was really out there too. BUT IT'S NOT. In fact, it is as generic as they come. Her music videos are always completely unrelated to the song, strung together with some supposedly deep explanation- but I am a Drama/English student and I know true bullshit when I smell it. Another thing that annoys me is that she always seems to be inexplicably attacking the Catholic Church. UNORIGINAL AND NOT COOL, GAGA.

The last point of nonsense lyrics leads me towards the end of my rant. Singing in gibberish is nothing new. In many songs I quite like it: DOO WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY DOO. Or Eliza Doolittle's launch into twee little tweeting in "Pack Up" or Ella Fitzgerald's legendary scat singing or that lovable number from Grease:

Now to wrap up I'm gonna leave you, Internet, with a poem by Carol Ann Duffy, who became Poet Laureate in 2009. I think she wrote this particular poem when nonsense lyrics were at their peak in pop songs and in a very simple way she makes a very funny point. Who knows?? Perhaps this was the inspiration for Ke$ha's strange stage name: