Shut Your Comasnorehole

Sometimes I think about weird things. Weird, random things about which I have no clue where my curiosity came from.

Exhibit A: Getting ready for work this morning, the following thought train barreled through my head.

I wonder how many people snore while they’re in comas.

…

Seriously, can people snore while comatose?

Ohmygod, can you imagine? What if you had to share a room with a comasnorer?

What if you were a comasnorer’s nurse or hospice person thingy?

Can you imagine sitting bedside and listening to twelve hours of chainsaw snoring?

…

…

For twenty fucking years?!

An entire lifetime of comasnoring?!

…

I FUCKING HATE YOU, COMASNORERS!

I pose the question to a friend. Who promptly destroys my perfectly rational comasnore rage with less rational reasonable rationale. Yes. Less rational rationale. Shit about life support and definitions of coma and blah blah blah. Thanksafuckinglot, Ezekiel, for derailing my thought train. Again.

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Exhibit B: Whose idea was it to remove all the bones from chicken? You know. For boneless chicken.

What sick fucks figured out how to debone an entire chicken, leaving slabs of seemingly undamaged chicken meat stuff after?

Dude. I wish I had that patent. Imagine how much boneless chicken I could afford.

…

Wait.

Wait a damn minute.

EGGS.

Eggs are chicken. Right?

Those motherfuckers are boneless!

CHICKEN CAME UP WITH BONELESS CHICKEN! They…they literally gave birth to it!

I don’t know what to do with this information. But I’m glad to have it.

Well this is bullshit. I’m nowhere near the first person to think this random shit. WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

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Exhibit C: Have you ever wondered how many people, in any given moment, are shitting at the exact same time?

I have. Especially Monday. I thought it a lot on Monday.

Like…what if we could harness all the pushing power happening this very second?

I bet we could circumnavigate the globe.

Repeatedly.

Maybe rocket straight to Jupiter.

With all the horse ass power happening simultaneously each and every minute.

I mean, I’m guessing it would be a messy ride. But still.

DUDES.

This is useful information. To whom, I know not. But I know it’s useful! It’s probably not useful.

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I know I’m not alone here. What’s the most recent weird shit you remember thinking?

I like that idea of taking a shit at the same time
Plus we should add just taping the sounds we all make
With Pink Floyd in the background
What cinematic experience that would make
For their next come back concert
Comfortably Numb pt. 2
Just for Shit and Giggles Tour
The Sheldon Perspective

At this rate we might end up having to shit outside…and then let me tell you…you have some life choices to make….there are ant piles in Louisiana, Stephanie….big ones…..they are everywhere…and they are evil.

As it happens, I can speak to the first two thoughts on your list. Re #1: I was in a coma for two months a long time ago, and if you’re that tore up to be in a coma, you probably have other shit going on, like respirators and feeding tubes. Which I had. So, no, I didn’t snore during that time. And being in a coma isn’t like they show on the movies where you’re just laying there eyes closed. I would look around and respond to people, squeeze hands, wiggle toes, smile. (My mom told me all this.) She even made a letter board for me to spell out words to communicate. She had a notebook I wrote notes in: “Move the TV, please.” I remembered my manners.
Re #2: I worked at KFC for four years. I deboned chicken on the regular for things like the BBQ sandwiches, and would threaten my male friends to debone them. Its a party trick that I still pull out at parties, like Thanksgiving.

But it would be epic! Dude, most of my FB “friends” are coworkers who found me. And then pestered me in person to accept them. I’ve had to unfollow all but two or three…the rest of them deserve the Wrath of Khoon!