international adoption

Hello, I am Lisa Lafave, the Fertility Coach from Coaching Rocks, LLC. I am certified with the International Coaching Federation, and the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. I was originally trained as a Clinical Psychologist and have expertise in working with children and families. Likewise, I hold an Executive MBA.

Lisa J Lafave, The Fertility Coach

I am a single mom by choice and got my dream children after 15 years of trying multiple methods. I started my journey with surrogacy, but quickly shied away from it. Then I began artificial insemination, with the benefit of Clomid to encourage multiple eggs to release. I didn’t stick with this method very long, as I had some fundamental concerns. I had a number of illnesses, and was prescribed multiple medications. I worried about how I would exist, without the support of these medicines, if I were to stop them, while trying to conceive. Moreover, I worried about what impact these medicines would have on a developing fetus in my womb.

Next, I tried domestic adoption. I quickly learned that as a single, older mom, very few pregnant young women would want me to raise their child. These ladies were primarily looking for young couples to raise the babies they were adopting out.

I figured perhaps governments from other countries would be more forgiving. So next, I turned to international adoption, in which I attempted to adopt from Brazil. I had always wanted to travel to Rio andI was told they had babies there that looked like me! So I started my journey. I learned all the ins and outs of International Adoption. I completed all of my paperwork and received permission from both governments to get my children. I was seeking a sibling pair of two under 5 years old. I was simply waiting for the “cejas,” their equivalent of a social worker to pair me with my children. I waited, and I waited. After several years, 4 to 5 years to be exact, my adoption was halted by an argument, about the Haugue Convention, between Brazil and the United States. The governments simply could come to a resolution. Brazil ultimately told the United States that they had successfully adopted children out to other countries and didn’t the USA at all. That left me in the lurch! I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach. I needed to quickly readjust and change my game. To start with a new country, I would have to go back to the beginning and re-do my home study. I wasn’t willing to retrace my steps, with a new country in mind.

In the end, I jumped whole heartedly back into the surrogacy boat. During this phase of my process, I hired a contract lawyer, Jon Pinney, and was being coached through the surrogacy, by Ann Durand. This was crucial. This gave me two people to bounce ideas off of. This definitely helped me to speed through the surrogacy process and get my dream children at lightning speed.

Ann Miranda andDiana Olmeda

I used Surrogacy Alternatives Inc (SAI) to obtain my surrogate. SAI has been around since about 1998. I worked with both Diana Olmeda, the President and Ann Marie Aversano-Miranda, the VP. I would highly recommend them. They were very professional and extremely involved in every aspect of my process. I was guided by Ann Miranda to choose an excellent surrogate. My surrogate made a great difference in my overall experience. She was informative and kept me involved every few weeks with updates and what not.

My fertility lawyer was Rich Vaugn, of International Fertility Law Group, formally National Fertility Law Center (NFLC). In my case, my babies were mine, five months before their due date, in my surrogates body, signed off by a judge, in a court of law. This put me in a very comfortable position. I really didn’t need to worry about my surrogate was going to run off with my babies. I had the law on my side. Really and truly I never carried any of those fears in my heart. My surrogate was steady and knew she was doing this to help me create my family.

Dr Smotrich

Concerning the medical aspects of the surrogacy arrangement, I chose to work with Dr. David Smottrich from La Jolla IVF. Dr Smotrich was amazing to work with. He was straight forward and informative. His location is key. Not only is San Diego, California a hot bed of surrogacy, but Calfornia is ahead of most of the rest of the country, as regards fertility law. Fortunately for me, SAI, La Jolla , and NFLC were very comfortable working with one another.

I used an anonymous sperm donor (obtained from Xytec) who was 21 and an egg donor who was 19 to create my embryos. In my estimation, I was too old to use my own eggs. The two embryos were transferred to my surrogate, who was 26, at the time of the transfer. I was present during the transfer, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, because I was actually able to see my babies on the screen. They simply looked like two bright pinholes of light on a gray background. I was so taken aback, that I could actually see my babies, at this very early stage in their development. What a moment! I surprised myself, by completely bursting into tears. Truly amazing! Never miss this moment, if you can help it!

My twin boys were born, at Kaiser Permanente of San Diego, when I was 49 1/2 years old, 13 months after consolidating all my efforts into surrogacy. I was present for the birth as well, which was another peak experience in my life. I cut the cord and damn near felt like I should be smoking a cigar!

You made my dream come true!

When the boys were 5 years old, I donated out the remaining two embryos to a known donor. In the end, unfortunately, no baby resulted from this thaw and transfer process. What I can tell you, is that embryo donation is a completely emotionally distressing process. And such a surprise. The emotions I endured seemed to come out of nowhere! Yet everyone seems to go through this same agonizing process. I only know because I am a member of closed Facebook group for embryo donors.

The CDC explains that in 2006 – 2010, 11.9% of women struggled with infertility. Of this group of 7.4 million women, 29% sought medical intervention to help them pursue their dream of having a baby.

This is merely to show that you are not alone. You may feel alone, but in reality many of the women around you are struggling with the same issues. Roughly 1 in 8 couples have to deal with issues of infertility. Infertility is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Anxiety, depression and irritability can make getting pregnant even more difficult. High levels of cortisol negatively impact fertility. Reducing negative emotions during the time you are trying to conceive is key.

Now, I know you want to look like her!

I would like to help you handle any of the obstacles you may have encountered in growing your family. I would like you to have your transformation from single person or couple, to family, faster than mine took. I would like to coach you to see your options and seek out the one most suited to you. Most importantly, I would like to see you can get that dream baby in your arms and be called Mom or Dad sooner, instead of later. I will be there for you every step of the way, in your journey to bring your dream baby home, no matter what method you choose. At Coaching Rocks we don’t merely drop you simply because you decide to go down a new avenue to bring your baby home.

I know you feel like you are doing a lot of hard work, to get your baby. And I know that it so very disappointing every month, that the pregnancy test shows you did not conceive, and did not achieve your objective. I know it is even worse, when you did conceive, and the baby didn’t stick. And worse yet, when you get further along your journey and miscarry. These loses are all traumatic. But you must get through these loses to get to the actual baby, that is meant to be your forever baby.

I know for some the natural conception thing is not meant to be. You may wrestle with that idea quite a bit. We all quite naturally want our own child, coming from our own DNA. But sometimes it just can’t happen, and if you are in this boat you will have to decide what is best for you, 1) no baby at all, or 2) if you have the financial wherewithall, you might pick IVF, with someone else’s DNA, or 3) you might even choose to farm the whole process out, and have a baby through surrogacy, or 4) you might prefer to go the adoption route, and help out a child, who has no parent at the ready. If you choose adoption, you will have to decide what to focus on, domestic adoption, international adoption or foster to adopt. Once you decide where you belong, you can move through your next paces. They may not be easy, but you can work on what is before you, in order to bring your dream baby home.

No matter what option you pick, Coaching Rocks can be at your side, to urge you on, and help you through your process. You could work with someone one on one, or in a group. You can contact us and arrange a complimentary Discovery Call to see if you feel like Coaching Rocks is the right coaching resource for you.

Never forget your dream baby is at the end of the road! When you do conceive, and it sticks, and the pregnancy goes well, your reward is a darling little baby boy, or baby girl, or maybe even both! You will be on the top of the world. You’ll want to sing it out to the moon and the stars! Your dream baby has arrived.

Who wouldn’t be delighted with a baby, with a darling little nose, a smile like your partner’s, and eyebrows like your father’s? This baby is indeed your reward for all the extra effort and all the labor you went through to bring this baby home, not matter what the method. It’s truly amazing how often adopted children, or surrogacy babies, with no DNA in common with their parents, can grow to look like their family members.

Once you have your baby, and care for your baby, it truly does not matter to you how you came by your child. You take the child as your own. People often place far to much emphasis on DNA.

How many of you are animal lovers? How many actually have animals? You don’t have any DNA in common with your pet, be it a dog, a cat, a snake, a goat, or a bunny rabbit. But you still may have a deep love for your animal. You may have a trusting, and fun loving relationship with that animal, that does not depend on a DNA connection.

I use beloved pets, as an example, because they are family. They are a close second to children. We care about how they feel. We care about the quality of their day. We want them to have a satisfied tummy and a good night’s sleep. We take them on outtings with us. They are there for us, when we low. We spend our good times, and our bad times with them. They know us best. We intervene, as best we can, when our animals are sick, and we grieve, when they die. Oh how we grieve! There is really nothing like losing a trusted pet.

Rightly or wrongly, many of us treat our animals like family, or like children. Many of us even refer to our beloved pets, as our babies, or our fur babies. In fact, it makes no difference to us that they are a different species. We actually relish in the differences. We don’t need them to be from the same tribe as ours to love them with the intensity that we do. I believe the love comes from the relationship. I believe you love what, and who you care for, DNA aside.

Interestingly, many of you probably coupled up, moved in together, and then got a dog, or a cat. Your fur baby was your first baby, your first commitment. Your first attempt at keeping a beloved other alive, through thick and thin, right in the the midst of all of your other obligations. It was kind of like your “starter baby.” If that went well, and you could negotiate with one another, about how to take care of that family member, maybe you felt like you just might be ready for a real live bouncing baby boy or girl. That dog or cat may have been the guinea pig, to see if the two of you could work together well enough to take care of that pet. That pet may have been a harbinger of things to come, more specifically, babies to come.

Have you ever noticed how some people get married, and divorce just before you thought they might have that first baby? Well, fortunately, they figured out they weren’t matched well, and were not up to the task of parenting a child together, so they split up, before they had one. In my estimation, they weren’t up for the big commitment of having a child together. Marriage, and having a house, and a pet together were one thing, but having a child together is the real commitment.

Most of you reading this are ready for that child, singly, or coupled up, you want that baby now. My point in bringing up the animals is just to remind you that, if you can’t use your own DNA, you will still be able to fall in love deeply, with your child. It really can be okay. It really can be no big deal. It all depends on how you decide to view it.

Once you have that baby that you’ve dreamed about for so long, you are off to the races! It’s one bottle or one breastfeeding moment after the next, and one burping session after the next, and then one diaper after the next. You’ll be doing one bath after the next, one clothing change after the next, and so on, and so forth. You and your baby will be giggling and smiling at one another in no time. You will be continually showing off your baby to family and friends, and even to strangers, or passerbys. Your baby will become your pride and joy. As the days pass by, you will fall deeply in love, with your little treasure. He or she will be the apple of your eye, and the fruit of your labor. I think you will agree that this little angel was worth all the bother after all. All those trials and tribulations will seem quite trivial, when you have that little one sitting in your lap, or snuggling in your arms, about to slip off to sleep.

Next thing you know, you will be going to outings at the local playground, Mommy and Me Meetups, swimming lessons, gymnastics, and music classes. You will be so fully immersed in your new life with your baby, you will hardly even remember what life was like, without your little one.

So remember, your dream baby is your reward, for all the hard work that you must do to get that baby, and bring him, or her home, to the little nest you have so carefully prepared.

Once you’ve tried many and ruled out some of the others, it may occur to you that surrogacy is for you!

In my case, I started the old fashioned way, and progressed to surrogacy once my relationship with my boyfriend was over. I quickly ruled surrogacy out, and then went right through most of the other methods, just to end up back in the surrogacy boat. What you need to know is I spent 14 years trying other methods! Then once I embraced surrogacy totally I had my children within 14 months. My kids would be 19 1/2 and in college had I pursued surrogacy to its logical conclusion the first time. But then again I wouldn’t have Jarvie and Giles, if I’d done that, because I purchased their father’s sperm circa 2009 and found our egg donor around the same time!

I cannot say you will have the same speedy result I did, nor can I even say you will be successful at all. What I can say is that the doctor I worked with, Dr. David Smotrich, of La Jolla IVF, boosts a surrogacy success rate of 85%! Now that’s huge. He can have results like these not only due to his own prowess but also owing to the addition of youth being on his side. An embryologist once told me that youth trumps all in the fertility game! Never forget those words of wisdom. You want youthful sperm, youthful eggs and a youthful surrogate. Keep that in the forefront of your mind as you select those on your surrogacy team. Said another way, all three legs of the surrogacy stool must embody youth.

Surrogacy is costly, but it may be the means to end your suffering and make your dream of having a baby and a family come true. When you think of the ROI, it doesn’t really seem so costly. Go ahead get in the game. If you’ve got the costs covered, you really have nothing to lose!

If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done it sooner. I would have done it in a blink of an eye. Which would have afforded me the chance to be younger raising my children and a longer life with my children. My delay may seriously have cost me the chance to ever know my grandkids and my journey with my children is significantly shortened which costs all of us immeasurably. Go ahead. Get in the game! No more time to waste! Do it! Do it now!