Not that Simon Cowell gives a rabbit turd what anyone thinks about him or his actions, but I really really really hope he didn’t tell Demi Lovato that she needs to lose weight to keep her job on The X Factor. Mostly because it’s despicable, but also because I’ve always felt a sort of kinship with Simon, tiny t-shirts, and Brit wit and this goes way beyond the already barely existent line I’ve drawn for myself in terms of propriety.

In case your memory is a little foggy, Simon old boy, let me remind you: Demi checked herself into rehab less than three years ago to seek treatment for cutting and bulimia and probably a few other things. Has anyone ever asked you to wear man-pasties underneath your child’s size M v-necks? Because I don’t even need to see my own nipples as often as I see yours.

Okay, I’m getting a little out of control here. This story originated in Star magazine, after all. Also, it seems like Demi and Simon have a fun/barely creepy friendship even though I’ve only watched about 10 minutes total of The X Factor because I have a serious talent competition reality show commitment phobia. So maybe these claims are untrue. Also, if Demi Lovato can handle interactions with Simon Cowell and Gwyneth Paltrow, she’s got to be a pretty strong and stable woman.

But let this serve as a warning, Simon. If you really want Demi to lose weight, I hope you also don’t have a problem with thousands of women lining up to junk punch some sense into you.