Author Sue Ann Jaffarian offers meanderings from an often muddled and exhausted mind.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Dark Side Beckons

Got up and put on my sneakers and sweats this morning and hit the road at 6 am, intending to increase my walking distance to nearly 4 miles. At about 3/4 of a mile, I just couldn't put put one foot in front of the other to continue. I stood on the sidewalk and started crying as negativity as thick and heavy as a sopping wet blanket smothered me: What the fuck am I doing? Who am I kidding? I can't do the Mud Run. And what in the hell am I doing going to Hawaii? It's not in my budget, either financially or time-wise. How in the hell am I going to get a new book done on top of promoting other books? My knee hurts. My head hurts. I can't walk another step. I can't. I can't. I can't. I turned around and headed home, crying the whole way, thankful it was still dark out.

Once home, I wasn't feeling any better. Had I not already made my bed, I would have crawled back into it. It's now 90 minutes later. I'm feeling better in some respects, worse in others. I have to get into the shower, get dressed, do my hair, and go to work. I didn't get my exercise in. Didn't write a word except for this. Instead I had a meltdown.

I wondered, as I wrote this, if I should post it to my blog. Should I let the world know that sometimes I crash and burn? I mean, I have a good job, great friends and family. My health. I'm loved and I love. My dream of being an author has been realized and I have other dreams and goals ahead of me. Generally, I'm a pretty happy squirrel. But sometimes ...

I know I'm not alone in battling depression and negative thoughts. We're human, it happens. Today, I'll allow myself to wallow a bit. But tomorrow I will pull on my sneakers and sweats and put one foot in front of the other for 3.5-4 miles. I will write on the new novel and I will be productive. And I will note that Hawaii is around the corner and will be loads of fun, and that the Mud Run is just 4 months away and doable.

I will remember that everything is going to work out just fine if I stay my course, fight the good fight, and don't lose myself to the dark side.

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About Me

Author of several mystery and romance series, as well as general fiction and short stories; motivational and humorous speaker; full-time paralegal; half-assed vegan; future RVer; alive and well in Los Angeles, CA.

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