Weaning My Toddler

by Alice Callahan on December 14, 2012

So, I have some more big news to catch you up on. I weaned Cee a few weeks ago, soon after her second birthday. I took a few notes along the way, but I never pulled it together to post on the blog about it. I thought I’d share some of those notes here and reflect back on our experience.

Cee may be weaned, but she still nurses her own baby all the time.

11/24/12

Tonight, I nursed my baby girl for the last time. She’s not so much of a baby anymore. She turned two last week. But I savored the feeling of her curled into my arms. I noticed how her long eyelashes cast a shadow across her cheeks and how soft her face looked, the tension of the day melted away.

I remembered nursing her in those early days, when her eyelids were still translucent, tiny blood vessels visible. I remembered how she would be frantic to nurse one second and peaceful the next, her little hand clasped in a fist, resting on the top of my breast.

Cee and I started talking about weaning a few weeks ago. We usually read books while we nurse, and lately I’d noticed that she was so enthralled with the books that she could hardly nurse. I’d turn a page, and she would break her latch to look closer at a picture, pointing something out to me. We were going through the motions because we always had, but nursing didn’t feel that important to either of us anymore. It felt like it was time to make this change.

We had been down to nursing just at naptime and bedtime since the summer. We dropped the naptime feeding first. All fall, Cee had gone down just fine without me and my milk at daycare and with Husband, and there were only a couple of days of brief protest over this change.

Down to just nursing at bedtime, Cee and I talked about how Mama didn’t have very much milk anymore. We talked about how babies (like our friends’ 3-month-old) need a lot of milk, but kids like Cee eat lots of good food and can drink their milk in a cup. We talked about how we love snuggling and nursing, too. I guess I wanted a chance for us both to appreciate our final days of nursing.

A couple of days ago, Cee watched me as I undressed for a shower. She pointed at my naked breasts and said, “Milk?”

I replied, “Not now, Cee, you can have milk before bedtime.”

She cocked her head, eyed my breasts again as if sizing them up, and said, “Milk all gone.”

“Yes, soon the milk will be all gone.” I didn’t know if I was ready for this, but it sure felt like Cee was telling me that she was.

So tonight, as I nursed her, I held her extra close and stroked her hair. I told her that I loved her and I loved nursing her. And I told her that after tonight, Mama wouldn’t have any more milk. She paused, looked at me, and nodded. I told her that we’d snuggle and read before bedtime, but we wouldn’t have milk.

Then I started singing a lullaby to her that I hadn’t sung in a long time, probably at least a year. I was thinking about all the late nights of nursing her and singing that song when she was tiny. I teared up.

Suddenly, Cee broke her latch and looked up at me with a grin, as if to reassure me that she would be OK. She stroked my chest gently and then reached up to my cheek. Then, she stuck her finger up my nose. Maybe she sensed that the moment was growing too heavy for her. Having my toddler jam her finger up my nose made me feel more confident that we were ready for this change.

11/28/12

Four days in. Each night at bedtime, Cee has asked for milk. Each time, I have reminded her that the milk is all gone and that we’ll snuggle and read books, but that we won’t be nursing anymore. On the first three nights, Cee responded to this statement with a small protest but moved past it quickly. Easy peasy, I thought.

However, I have noticed that Cee has been having tantrums first thing in the morning these last few days. They are set off by things like not wanting to get her diaper changed (“No Mama, DRY!”) or struggling to dress herself – not wanting help and yet not being quite able to finish the task on her own. I’ve learned that Cee doesn’t respond to any kind of explaining, consoling, distracting, or deal-making mid-tantrum – and I admit that I’ve tried all of these tactics, because these tantrums really hurt my brain first thing in the morning. I’ve learned that she just needs to ride it out and bring herself to a calmer place, as frustrating as that may be to me when we need to get our morning going. I wait calmly near, and after a few minutes, her cries subside and she’ll go back to getting dressed, this time cheerfully accepting help when needed. I had no idea if this recent rash of morning tantrums was related to weaning.

This morning was no different. Big tantrum. After the storm had subsided, Cee climbed into my lap, and I gave her a hug.

“You were crying a lot,” I said.

“Yeah.”

“Do you know why you were crying, Cee?”

“Sad.”

“Oh, you feel sad. I cry when I’m sad, too. Is there anything that Mama can do to help you feel better when you are sad?”

Cee nodded her head. “Milk,” she said, signing it with her hand, too.

Oh my, that was heart-breaking and took me totally off-guard. But then again, it gave us a chance to talk about it again. I told her that I felt sad about it, too.

Tonight, there was another tantrum at bedtime, again set off by the diaper and pajamas process. Husband left us alone in her room, and she let me hold her while she cried for a few minutes. Then she was OK. We brushed teeth, read books, and said goodnight.

12/13/12

That last tantrum on day 4 was the final protest of weaning. After that night, milk has come up a few times, but only in a matter-of-fact way.

Overall, I feel good about how weaning went for us. The timing felt right for me. And up until just a few weeks before we weaned, I was still really happy to be nursing her. In fact, I enjoyed nursing her all through this second year of her life. I remember that around her first birthday, nursing wasn’t as pleasant because she was easily distracted and attempting all kinds of acrobatics. But for most of this past year, nursing was a sweet and calm time for reconnection. I felt like she really respected my body as she nursed. I’m glad we kept going as long as it felt right.

It wasn’t an easy transition for Cee. If I had left it up to her, we might breastfeed for a few more years. A friend of mine weaned her daughter, close in age to Cee, around the same time. She just stopped offering to nurse, and her daughter stopped asking. I don’t think that would have worked with Cee. She is too much a creature of habit. Plus, I really wanted to talk about it with her before we stopped. I wanted to mark that change and then be consistent in our new routine. Had we nursed on that fourth day, when Cee told me she was sad, I think she would have been confused. The process would have been drawn out and might have become more of a battle. I think the way we did it was right for us.

Change, growth, and grief: these are all parts of life, and in the end, I think Cee (and I), processed those feelings beautifully.

What is funny to me about our weaning experience is that I didn’t research this at all. I didn’t evaluate every option for when and how to do it. But now I’m curious to hear from other moms: how did you approach this transition? What worked and didn’t work for you and your little one?

Well done on being so consistant with your daughter . I think being consistant can be very difficult for any parent but it’s so important for our children to know where they stand. Congratulations to both of you on starting this new stage of your relationship so well!

Thank you! Although that last time breastfeeding my daughter was bittersweet, I have to say that I don’t miss it much now. I don’t think it has decreased at all the amount of time that we spend snuggling together or the quality of our relationship.

This is such a beautiful piece and it really toyched my heart. I have been a silent reader of your blog for a couple of months now. I especially love reading your articles about nutrition as i have just began weaning my baby; he is 6 months old. I have had just put him to bed and went on to read your post before preparing dinner. I cried after reading this. It is so beautiful what you and Cee have together. Love you both!

Nem, thanks for commenting! It is so nice to hear that you like the blog. The process of starting solids with your baby is fun and exciting, so enjoy! And if you’re breastfeeding, remember that there’s no rush to stop completely until one or both of you are ready. Weaning can be a nice and gradual process:)

I am breastfeeding and not planning to stop until my baby is around 1.5 years old. After reading the comments on here, I think I should have not used the word “wean” as I meant to say I am introducing solids in British terms.

I’ve nursed 3 kids for 13, 14, and 17 months. The two times I weaned because I was pregnant. Weaning went well as I slowly dropped their feeds from 6x a day to 2x a day. The last two feeds I just cut out at once. With at least 2 of my kids I think I spent a night out of town during the first 48 hours of their milk free life which honestly was a little easier for me not to cave when they asked for it. I think all 3 of them seemed to forget about it completely within a week or so of being weaned.

Yes, those first few days are definitely the hardest, and then it seems like once the time has past, we wonder why we worried so much about it. I guess weaning just felt so final to me that it took some time for me to feel really ready – but then once I was there, it was time.

I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying nursing now! I know that we passed in and out of phases when it wasn’t as enjoyable – the main one being with biting around 8 months. But I’m really glad that I stuck with it through those periods, because we’ve really had a great experience with breastfeeding overall.

Tears welling like milk coming down, I had almost forgotten that feeling after 23 years, When my daughter,now 25. was almost three, I have to admit I left town, as she overpowered me, Three years earlier I just told my son no more milk and he agreed “Otay, Moo tow milt”

I love your blog, as many do, and this was my favorite, so far. Thank you for seeing and sharing.

Diana, it is so nice to hear from you! I love the stories of past parenting generations that remind us that these milestones and transitions are universal. What’s also universal is that children and mothers will cope with and respond to them differently. I’m glad to be surrounded by people that understand that something like duration of breastfeeding has a broad range of “normal” that may vary from mother-child dyad and family to family.

In the case of my first two kids, they self-weaned when I was about 10-12 weeks pregnant with the next child (one was 14 months, one was 2 years). Both were down to only 2 or so feeds a day, like you, naptime and bedtime. It simply happened that they suddenly pushed away when I tried to offer them the breast – I guess it tasted different.

But seeing as my now 11 month old is my last, who knows how long we will go! He’s very much into the acrobatics you describe with Cee at that age – he treats breastfeeding as a contact sport! Feet everywhere, hands grabbing for glasses, head turning to see what else is going on (while maintaining a latch of course). I reckon I’ll probably go for 2 years again if he’s happy to stick with it.

I don’t get the time to comment very often, but was very happy to read about you writing a book! Will eagerly await updates on your progress…

Thank you for sharing such a precious, natural process in such a beautiful way. I had to stop nursing my son at 11 months due to medication I had to start taking. If it was up to me, I think we would have gone much, much longer. I believe that’s one of the reasons he and I have such a bond now. Kat

Thanks for your kind words. I have definitely loved breastfeeding Cee and think that it has been a big part of our relationship, especially early on. I also know that when breastfeeding stops (or if it doesn’t happen at all), for whatever reason, mamas and babies find ways to bond! I’m glad that I don’t feel like something is really missing now – we’re just spending our time together in different ways.

I’m struggling to figure out how to do it. My son is not in the same place as Cee verbally, or in his number of feedings, but I’m ready to be done. I’m waiting until after his fourth 2-year molar finishes coming through.

Cee still understands much more than she is able to speak, and I’ve grown to trust that explaining things goes a long way. Your son may be able to understand what is happening even if he can’t express it. It was actually surprising to hear Cee put her feeling of “sadness” into words. That may have have been the first time that she had told me she was sad. But anyway, I think you reach a point when you’re just done, and once it isn’t enjoyable anymore, it is time to make the change. Good luck with it!

Thanks! My little guy understands a lot, but objects quite vehemently to any limits I try to put on nursing. I don’t know if you saw my post “Eesh, and Flinging,” but it would give you a sense of his, um, *physicality.*

I am in the same boat with my 26 month old. He still wakes often at night and can nurse 5 times throughout the day on the weekends. For a bit I tried explaining how we’ll only nurse one then not until bedtime but I’m such a sucker.

I have the feeling my son will wean himself. We’ve enjoyed lots of tender, snuggly moments, but nursing has generally been a challenge. It took him about a week to get the hang of it, and then, only with a nipple shield. I was on the verge of going over to formula because I was worn down from battling him 10x per day. Since then, we’ve endured numerous nursing “strikes.” At 7 mos., he’s taken to solids well, wolfing down astonishing amounts of food. The other night he refused his pre-bedtime nursing again. This time, my husband found some stored milk in the freezer, and my son happily took it from a cup. I’m going to try to keep him on the breast as long as I can (not least to avoid marathon pumping sessions), but I suspect he’ll be ready to move on by his first birthday.

Some kids are just done after a certain point. It’s funny how different they are. I think that when Cee was around 10 months, we could have easily weaned without much protest. She was just busy with other stuff. I wasn’t ready to wean then, and then Cee starting really enjoying nursing again during the second year. I wouldn’t be surprised that there are a few windows when weaning happens rather naturally if you let the baby decide – depending on the baby, of course!

My son did the same thing around 10 months! Then came WAY around to the other side of really loving nursing shortly after his first birthday. It’s been a very hard thing for us to stop doing. At 31 months, we both still enjoy it so much. I made some attempts at weaning during his second year, but he and I were both so sad about it and it felt so wrong. I’m really glad we’ve continued. It’s been really great.

First of all, your weaning story made me tear up. Of course it’s probably because I’m only two weeks postpartum and am nursing my second. I weaned my first daughter at around 14 months for two reasons: first, I was seven months pregnant and my belly was getting in the way, and second, she learned to ask for it by name. I had jokingly referred to nursing as “booby”, and I was horrified when my sweet little girl repeated the word back to me. I was so terrified of her saying it in public that we stopped nursing. I never offered her to nurse again, and she never asked. She didn’t seem to have any tantrums because of it.
When I had my second daughter I worried my first would want to nurse again and be jealous of her sister, but she wasn’t. I think I just lucked out.

It sounds like daughter was ready in some way if she was able to just let nursing go so easily. Maybe this time around you’ll have to come up with an alternate name for the boob that won’t freak you out if your kid asks for it in public!

Thank you for sharing your sweet story. My 15 year old daughter weaned 12 years ago. I ended up having emergency surgery right before she turned three and the worst part for me was not wanting our breastfeeding relationship to end like that. I was in the hospital a week and couldn’t nurse at first when I came home. Thankfully, she resumed when I was well, though not with the same level of interest and need that she had before the surgery. Still, we were able to make a conscious decision to say goodbye to “nuppies” about 2 months later. Bittersweet, and it was time!

We have had a really smooth transition when my daughter was 10.5 months old. We had been down to only one feed in the morning and occasionally another one at night while travelling. She didn’t seem too eager anymore so we introduced a cup of whole milk in the morning once she was ten months old (there are new-ish recommendations in Germany that this is safe to do from ten months on). First she didn’t drink much of the milk but gradually got used to it so I stopped offering my breasts. She didn’t seem to mind at all but happened to have a fever during those days so I nursed her again at night and in the morning. The second morning I nursed her she bit me on one side just after we had begun and, when offered the other side she turned away. We went downstairs and prepared her milk and she literally gulped it down. I considered that a clear message ;)… Three days later she helped me relief some of the pressure I was feeling in my breasts and nursed for about two minutes or so on each side. And that was the end of it.
I actually savoured it because I was surprised to find myself a bit emotional about not nursing her anymore. Even when she saw my breasts while I was cooling them she didn’t have the slightest interest. I did feel, though, that during the weeks when breastfeeding had gradually decreased she seemed to discover other ways of cuddling – coming over just for a hug during the day and really cuddle a lot with her two favourite stuffed animals.

It is so interesting how many different ways there are that this can happen! I thought about it the other day while getting ready in the morning and it suddenly occured to me that parenting is a bit like finding your favourite shampoo (a weird example, I know!) It works for me because I have exactly my kind of hair, my kind of diet, the kind of water and climate I’m exposed to and probably thousands of other factors. So unless someone else is in the unlikely position of nearly the same hair/environment, I cannot be certain that my recommending this shampoo will do her any good or work for her. Even more so with something so complex as parenting. Considering how different even siblings are who live under very similar conditions, it’s no wonder there is no one fix for all with all those parenting issues. So I like your balanced approach to many of those hot topics (length of breastfeeding being one of them).

I like the shampoo analogy! And I have a friend whose daughter weaned herself at about the same age as yours, in a similar way. I know she wasn’t prepared for it, but its hard to argue with a 10-month-old!

This also made me tear up. My son is 12.5 months old. I love breastfeeding. Partly for the cuddling it provides since its pretry rare for my son to want to cuddle but it also just sort of feels like a special bond or maybe even a language between just the two of us. At this point I can’t even imagine what it will feel like to be ready to fully wean. Lots of people have been asking me lately how long I will breastfeed for since he can have cows milk now it makes me feel nervous that maybe the end of nursing will be here before I’m ready for it.

Honestly, I think it is SO personal. Breastfeeding, you, your baby, your relationship… After Cee’s first birthday, I was asked when we would wean quite often, and I replied that I honestly didn’t know. I was taking it week to week and figured that as long as we were still enjoying it, we’d keep going. There’s no right answer, and there’s also a wide range of meanings of “breastfeeding” at this age – i.e. nursing on demand many times per day/night vs. nursing 1-2 times per day.

Hello! I’m new to blogging and this site, but came across your blog and absolutely loved this post especially since I just recently gave up breastfeeding my 17 month old daughter about a week ago. I decided it wasn’t doing either of us any good anymore and I was starting to feel resentful against, not her, but the breastfeeding in general since I was up the entire night doing it. She’s old enough to know “all gone” so I just told her one night, “Boobie all gone!” and boy was she mad! She knew what I was saying and was pretty upset. She cried until 4am that morning and I thought I’d never get through another night like that again. We were both absolutely exhausted the next day, but there was no way I was letting that night go to waste! I think she realized she’d rather have sleep and it wasn’t worth the hours of protesting. So the next night, I just told her “all gone!” as she was lifting my shirt. She protested a bit but soon snuggled in my arms and fell straight to sleep. There’s been a couple nights where it took me 2 hours to get her to calm down enough to sleep, something nursing easily did before. I needed a way to calm her down, and that’s when I kept seeing commercials for those pillow pets that light up the ceiling with stars and fade in and out of colors. I give her this now each night and she lays memorized by the lights and in less than 5 minutes, is straight to sleep. It even works if she wakes up mid night, a time when it was so hard to get her to calm down without nursing, but I just turn on the lights, and she’s instantly back to sleep. Now she knows when she gets her little “dream lights” pillow pet, its bedtime! We definitely have the morning tantrums, but I know these will soon pass. She’s also much more attached to me during the day which I actually love because when she was nursed, she was so independent and never even wanted/needed a hug. I love cuddling with her now without her teeth pulling and tugging at my breast. Anyway, your blog is beautiful and I love to hear other mothers to have shared the nursing experience past a year! It’s such a special and beautiful thing to share with your little one! I’ll always cherish those memories with her and she grows into a more independent little girl.

My daughter nursed for 13.5 months. When the time came to wean,we were both ready and she transitioned beautifully. Over the course of a month or so, I’d nurse before each nap and bedtime, then weaned down to just 2x a day, then just at bedtime. The first few nights she was officially off milk my husband had put her down so she’d know that no milk was available. After that, I would put her to bed and she never protested. I miss the days when we could bond that way. It’s so special, but there are other great ways as well. I really enjoy your blog and thought that this post was especially touching. It brought back many fond memories. I’m glad that Cee is adjusting well. P.S. We are expecting in June and hope to nurse our new “tiny one” as well.

Your post reminded me so much of weaning my own toddlers (now several years ago) that I could almost feel them snuggling in my lap again. When I weaned my (now 8 year-old) daughter, I substituted the breast for a warm cup of milk at bedtime. At first, the cup contained breast milk only, then I gradually increased the ratio of breast-to-cow milk until it was all cow. She didn’t seem to notice much, and even now, if she’s having a particularly bad day, I’ll over her a warm mug of milk and it comforts her. My son (now 4.5) was much harder. He refused any kind of milk that didn’t come from me; we tried rice, soy, cow in all sorts of flavors and he would just spit it out. He still doesn’t drink milk. I weaned him before I was ready emotionally – at the insistence of my ex (hmm, warning sign?) – and it was hard for both of us. Sometimes, he still talks about it. Mom, do you remember when I drank your milk?

Around 13 months, my little just wasn’t into it anymore. We’d sit down to nurse in the morning and at bedtime, but he would only nurse for about 30 seconds. So, I just stopped. That was it. Nothing momentous for either of us.

I feel so encouraged after reading this. My 11 months has heart condition (VSD) and he is doing really well despite what’s going on in his little body. Even the cardiac consultants couldn’t make it out how he keeps growing physically and developmentally with a moderate size hole on his heart. Personally I think it’s down to breastfeeding. My body doesn’t produce as much milk as it did in the early days because he has started on solid but it’s the comfort and the security it creates when we snuggle up, take a break from our activity and just enjoying being with each other. I haven’t thought about weaning him yet because I love every single minute of it. Back in my native country breastfeeding up to toddler age is common but it isn’t the same in the western society especially with toddler boy. I don’t really want to give up breastfeeding because of society’s pressure. I want to end it when he is ready for it but I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a challenge.

I just stumbled upon your blog about an hour ago, and then somehow stumbled upon this particular entry.

I’m nowhere close to weaning — my beautiful son is only 7-1/2 months old. Despite the fact that “weaning” isn’t in my current lexicon, I found this blog entry incredibly sweet and emotional. I love nursing my baby. I, too, can remember the times when he was desperately frantic to latch on and then completely relaxed just a few moments later. I still look down at him, his long eyelashes fluttering and his fat little forearms waving in the air. Every single time I nurse him- yes, even in the oft-forgotten hours of the early morning- I am thankful for our time together.

I know that one day my baby boy will turn into a little boy and our nursing relationship will end. I can only hope that it will end with as much love and dignity as yours did with your daughter.

I nursed my daughter till she was four…it was not at all planned …I always thought I would do 6 months to a year max. We travel all the time so the year came and went and we all learned to be very discreet feeding on planes etc. I was sure that by 18months, I would set two as the deadline. Then one night at dinner a friend asked why I was giving up and I realized I was just wanting to fit in with what was considered the norm. In the park one day a mom stopped when i was feeding my daughter on bench tucked away behind a leafy tree. She said “keeping going. I fed my daughter till she was 3 and my son till he was was 2. Yes, the feeding was v tiring but i didn’t have to work full time so had no excuse other than the social implications. All the stats showed the numerous physical and psychological reasons for longer term breast feeding. Our babysitter told how she fed her son till he was five. I laughed but these were all New york city stories. So we just kept going. Quietly. Once in the morning. Once at night. We were able to talk about the end in detail as my daughter’s vocabulary was obviously so much more developed being older and although we knew it would be a momentous change for us, the bond was already so strongly set in place. Like your daughter, mine fed her baby for considerable longer and I was touched at the devotion she showed!
My daughter is now six and we still refer with fondness to that magical time when she fed “from mommy’s boobies”. She is a calm little girl, very independent, loves school, picks herself up when she falls over and I feel blessed that I had the time and freedom to give her that little start in life.

Wicklow – I love this! I didn’t plan to breastfeed much longer than a year either. Now we are at 31 months and I have no idea how long we will go. Younger me would have been shocked, dare I say grossed out? Younger me had no business having any opinions about breastfeeding until I’d been there and done that. I always love to hear stories about other moms who thought they’d wean sooner, but kept going. Makes me feel less alone.

Thank you so much for this post. I just started a gradual weaning process with my 18 month old son and this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I love your gentle method and will be using the “milk all gone” idea, brilliant.

Thank you for sharing!
I just nursed my 17 month old daughter for the last time a week ago Sunday. I don’t know if I weaned too fast…my daughter is having TERRIBLE tantrums! (Right away in the AM is the worst.)
My daughter does not like to snuggle, so this has been tough on me! (I am crying right now!)
Did your daughter still have a bottle when you finished nursing? If so, when did you wean her from the bottle?
Thank-you for any advice!

I just discovered your blog because I’m researching the benefits of nursing beyond 1. I can relate so much, and find myself agreeing with everything you say! This particular post has made me very emotional. I’m reading as I nurse my little 1 year old girl to sleep, and imagining the day we come to this point. Thanks for sharing! I’m bookmarking you. 🙂

I’m about to wean my little. She turns 2 in a week, and I am not sure how it will go. She loves her “milkies.”
Unfortunately, unike you, she does not, in any sense of the word “respect my body” while she’s nursing. I’m super ticklish, even in weird places like my wrists, and she seems to know how to make my skin crawl by touching me while she’s nursing.
Today, trying to nurse before a failed 2nd attempt (after a failed 1st attempt) at nap time, when I said it was time to say night night to milkies, she looked me straight in the eye and bit down hard. I can’t remember the last time she did that, but I’m so done.
The hardest part will be the middle of the night. We’ve tried night weaning who knows how many times, and we always get derailed by an illness or a vacation or something. Christmas travel messed everything up most recently.
I anticipate lots of tantrums. I’m so tired and on edge now, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it.
Wish me luck!

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Welcome! I'm the author of The Science of Mom: A Research-Based Guide to Your Baby's First Year, published by Johns Hopkins University Press in 2015. I write about science, health, parenting, and nutrition here and for other print and online outlets.
Find more about me at my website: https://alicecallahanphd.com/

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