Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew’s business and charitable ventures.

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<strike>If Al Gore had been there he'd have said he invented water. And the pier.</strike>

If Al Gore were there, he'd hint at the role he had played in the building of the pier for his political advantage. He would be reported as having claimed he'd invented water and piers in general. He would lose his next election to an unethnical, homocidal head of broccoli.

If Billy Beane were there, he'd just replace the women, because they're a fungible commodity. "Why go to the trouble of saving drowning women, when there are plenty of perfectly healthy women on every street corner?"

If Brian Cashman were there, he'd immediately sign the women to 5 year, $65 million pitching contracts before the Red Sox had a chance to get 'em.

If Joe Morgan were there, he'd mention how The Big Red Machine used to save hundreds of women, because all through the lineup you had great drowning women savers.

If Bill James were there, he'd invent a stat called DWS (Drowning Women Saved) that would unfortunately favor hitters who tend to hang out near harbors.

If Rob Neyer were there, he would gather data for his next baseball book, "Rob Neyer's Big Book of Drowning Women".

If Larry Cochelle had been there, the women would've been saved, but after mentioning off the record to Gary Thorne and Kyle Peterson that there was no n*gger in either woman, his career would've been over.

What do you mean, "as a kid"? Every day after work I go to my neighbor's house to score his games. Yeah, Timmy's mom said I could watch him any time I wanted as long as I stopped heckling him so much. He really had it coming though. How could he let Esteban Yan pitch in that situation with K-Rod sitting in the bullpen? I swear.