The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Surgical Ward”

After figuring out where Violet is and what name she’s listed under, Klaus and Sunny dress in lab coats and surgical masks before following Esme to the surgical ward. Apparently mistaking them as the Two White-Faced Women, she takes them with her and warns them about two children still at large in the hospital. Guarded by the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, the younger Baudelaires enter the surgical ward where they meet with the Bald Man with the Long Nose and the Hook-Handed Man who also take them as the White-Faced Women. Esme then leaves the ward to look for the Snicket File and the younger Baudelaire children she thinks are still at large. Anyway, the Bald Man and Hook-Handed Man talk about their intentions to kill Violet in the Operating Theater and make it seem like a surgical “accident.” And due to the stress of orphan chasing, the guys get into an argument about it. Yet, once they see her, they consider how fun it would be if she woke up during the procedure. Also, they’re talking about torching the place at some point.

The song I decided to go with is “Santa Fe” from RENT. In the original version, Roger, Collins, Angel, and Mark fantasize about moving from New York City to Santa Fe where they’d open up a restaurant and pursue their art. And by the way, they’re dancing on the subway during this. In this version, I have Count Olaf’s henchmen discuss their plans for Violet and the hospital. Of course, a song featuring his troupe is long overdue at this point.

“Surgical Ward”

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Heimlich Hospital–

Hook-Handed Man:
Uh huh

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Center of the Hinterlands

Hook-Handed Man:
Sing it man–

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Times are shitty
But I’m pretty sure they can’t get worse

Klaus:
I hear you

Esme:
It’s important to know
I’ll be on the look out for two Baudelaires
That anywhere else they could possibly go
After Heimlich would be an electric chair

Bald Man with Long Nose:
Now you’re talking
Well, we have one Baudelaire now unconscious
And we have two Baudelaires now in the halls
And we’re being constantly berated by Count Olaf
As the Snicket File keeps haunting us all
Let’s cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
Oh, any roaring fire would be nice
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
Before we leave the folks in to die
Oh–oh

Hook-Handed Man:
I’ve been waiting to get my hooks
On her since she had took
From marrying Mattathias at a time
We’ll kill her in front of the whole place
Like it’s a surgical mistake
While the other two Baudelaires both cry
(with the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, Klaus, and Bald Man with Long Nose):
Let’s cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And get out amid the smoldering flames

All:
Flames, flames, flames

Hook-Handed Man:
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And wreak up devastation with flames

All:
Set aflame

Henchmen:
Think how fun if she woke in surgery
Orphan chasing wreaks so much stress
We’ll cut the young girl’s head off and torch the place
And get out of this Hinterlands mess
Oh–

All:
Oh–

Hook-Handed Man:
Do you know how we can torch the place?
You know, light papers…gasoline…
Yeah