Monthly Archives: January 2009

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My mind isn’t working the way it used to. Everything feels like it’s in a fog. I’m wandering around in the dark looking for light. You ever feel like that before? You just feel like everything is so far away and you’re there, but not really. My laptop is dying. It’s not going to make it much longer. It’s struggling to even get online. I did a system restore, but it didn’t change anything. It is really old. It’s 4.5 years old. I’ve had it since July 2004. I lost 3 keys on it. Now I have to use a keyboard attached to it through a USB port. So it goes.

I was researching dark comedy on the Internet the other day and I found something that was pretty funny. On Wikipedia, it says that domestic violence is something that is used in a so-called dark comedy. How the hell would someone be watching a wife getting the living hell beaten out of her and think, “God that’s funny in a dark sort of way.” The only time I’ve seen that used was on American Dad when the alien is watching a Lifetime movie and says, “Why do they stay? Why do they stay?,” referring to the women on the movies who keep getting beaten up and continue to stay in their relationship. Then he ends up getting in an abusive friendship with another kid because the child in his house doesn’t have time for him.

What’s your opinion on dark humor? When does it go too far? American Psycho is an example of a dark comedy that was insanely funny, but also really disturbing. It was about a yuppie serial killer who was just the funniest character I’ve ever seen. The way he talked and acted was just hilarious. He went crazy because some guy had a better business card than him. He lost it. He killed the guy over it. And he played 80s music while he did it, commenting on the history of the band that was playing.

Chuck Palahniuk writes a lot of dark comedy books that I consider to be genius. They’re dark and interesting. I think if you want to make fun of something, you should be able to. It’s either all okay or none of it is. It does take guts to go all dark, but if it’s done right, it can be insanely funny. For example:

“You ever not get out of bed for a month? And the only reason you got out of bed was to avoid getting bedsores?” or “What do you think necrophiliacs say to their corpses? ‘Honey, is everything all right? You’re a lttle stiff tonight.'”

“I know I’m not for everyone. I don’t even like my comedy.”

“I used to be homophobic, but I’m not anymore. I just cancelled my subscription to Gay Basher magazine.”

Or as the great George Carlin once said, “Rape can be funny! Imagine Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig.”

Why do people write? To express themselves creatively. Or to prove a point. Or for some other reason. Some people think writing is pointless, while others find it a beacon of hope. I’m trying really hard to come up with something meaningful to add to this blog. Something I can put up on the refrigerator. Something I can say, “Yes, I wrote that!”

But sometimes I experience what they call writer’s block. I had a friend who tried to write his name and got writer’s block and never recovered. Today I went to the supermarket twice. Boy, that was awkward. I’m not writing like I was taught in grade school. My paragraphs are all messed up. None of them have a common theme. Send in the grammar police! They might charge me with writing while intoxicated, when in fact I am merely writing while tired. I wonder if they use the breathalizer. Why is it when cops pull you over for speeding they end up making you later than you would’ve been if you had went the speed limit? I think they’re dragging it out in their car, pretending to look up your license information. They’re probably playing online poker while you wait in your car looking like an idiot.

I’m trying to figure out who my target audience is on this blog. Is it you? If you’re reading this, you may be under the influence of some sort of substance. You ever just look up at the sky and realize how insignificant you are? You ever just wonder how big the universe is and how small this planet is in comparison? And how we live in our own little worlds within this world, shrinking our perspective smaller and smaller to make the trivial seem important? Millions of years after our species goes extinct, the Earth will most likely still be here and possibly have no memory of us being here. Our artifacts will have crumbled and we will be a forgotten species, or maybe some other species will be around to study us in the ways we study the dinosaurs.

You ever have that dream where you’re in college and you realize right before final exams that you’ve completely forgotten about a class and need to do all the work in like 3 days? Or the dream where you’re falling off a cliff and you never quite hit the bottom because you wake up? Me either. I’ve had a couple of lucid dreams before and they were pretty cool. I could fly in one of them and in the other one, I kept finding money on the ground and I thought, “There’s no way I could find thousands of dollars on the street,” and I woke up. But dreaming doesn’t come as easy anymore.

As a college student, you know you have a serious drinking problem when your blood alcohol level is higher than your GPA.

I’ve often wondered if this whole world is just God having a dream and when he wakes up, he’ll be like, “Wow! That was one crazy dream.” Or maybe we’re all part of just some regular person’s dream. Maybe it’s my dream. Maybe I’m dreaming this whole reality. And if I can find a way to become lucid in this dream, I can gain superpowers and become super rich by snapping my fingers. Who knows? For sure?

If you wake up in the morning and you ask yourself if life is worth living, or should you blast yourself, your name is probably Tupac. What?

They say you can’t fight against the youth, but at least you have that senior citizen’s discount. 5% off knickers at Caldor. You old folks got it good. Down here in SC, if you’re 85 or older you get an additional 1% off of everything just for being old, or as I say, just for not dying. And some of them are really cheap. They insist on it every chance they get, but I always get the last laugh when they can’t remember where they parked their car.

I’m just writing to get some of these thoughts off my chest. Maybe when that Andy Rooney dies, they’ll give me his position on 60 Minutes. Or maybe I’ll get a spot on 48 Hours, but I can’t rant for that long. Until next time…

I thought I’d share a bit of my quotes that I sometimes use in stand-up and others that are just funny (or at least I think they’re funny :)) Most of them are one-liners, minimalist comedy. They’re very Steven Wright-esque. I’ll do a couple of posts like this for this week.

I saw a movie based on a true story, It wasn’t that good. It would be better if I saw it in real life.

I can’t trust going to the mechanic, even for an oil change. I know they’re trying to take advantage of me. They said, “You need your tires rotated.” Don’t my tires rotate while I’m driving? I’m not falling for that.

I have a friend who was in a terrible car accident and now he’s paralyzed all over his body. That doesn’t keep him down though. He still has a job and everything. He’s working Macy’s as a mannequin.

I tried going to a focus group, but I couldn’t concentrate. I think I might have adult ADD. I was sposed to get tested the yesterday, but I got distracted.

Babies R Us uses false advertising. There I was, looking like an idiot, saying, “Yeah, give me two boys and a girl.”

One of my friends got one of those Sports Illustrated swimsuit models calendar, except there were all old ladies on it. I asked him, “Where did you get that?” He said, “The antiques store.”

When I was in college, my roommate was a ceramics major, which really worked out for me, because every time I got mad at him, I broke a pot. By the end of the semester, he had to be institutionalized.

I like to think outside of the box. It wasn’t my idea. The box was too crowded.

I tried to get a copy of the want ads, the guy told me, “Sorry, those are classified.”

I don’t do drugs because I’m high on life…that cereal is amazing.

I give back to my community. When the judge says community service, I say yes. I’ve been volunteering at a nursing home. Yesterday I was playing memory game with the Alzheimer’s patients…

The thing I find amazing about old people is a lot of them have arthritis and their medication has a child proof cap, so they can’t open it because it hurts their hands. So they ask their grandchildren to open it for them. Do you see something wrong with this picture?

I think that apathy is underrated, but then again I really don’t care.

*I don’t judge a book by its cover. I judge it by the title page.

I have a schizophrenic mood ring. It has a split screen.

I have a friend who’s pessimistic. I call him up every day and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” He always says, “Not too good. I’m still alive.”

My car broke down, but I don’t belong to AAA. So I called AA. I said, “Hello, is this AA?” She said yes. I said, “My car broke down.” She said, “Okay, I’ll only help you if you admit you have a problem.”

I rented the Passion of the Christ last week. I only got to see half of it. Does anybody know how it ends? Is it one of those corny Hollywood endings where the hero comes back at the end?

I opted out of Christianity because it’s too negative. Look at the Ten Commandments, thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. What the hell can you do? Pray?

A lot of really successful people never finished college. Bill Gates never finished. Tupac didn’t even go. Hell, Jesus Christ never even went to college and look how successful he was!

As a child, you know you’re not going to be a world class athlete when you get picked after the kid in the wheelchair.

I’m sick of people telling me what I should do with my life. I’m going to do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

I got a bad haircut at Supercuts. I never saw it coming. That’s false advertising. Next time, I’m going to a place called, We’ve Got Scissors, or We’re Gonna Try. At least if they mess up, I’ll expect it.

There are all quotes from yours truly. I figure I’ll do about 15 to 20 daily and work from there. My comedy can be pretty cerebral, so reading it rather than hearing it will allow you to dwell on it more. I realize that some of my funny ideas look as good in writing as they do onstage. And what better way to publish my comedy to guard against joke thieves than this? If I publish them all here, I have proof that they are mine. And what better way to share them with a wider audience? Right now, I bet a person in Kenya is reading this. Or maybe someone in Antarctica. And you know what they say. Laughter is the best medicine. Anything to bring joy and a smile to people. Enjoy!

I went on this website: here and it told me that my website is worth approximately $817. That pales in comparison to Googke, which is worth nearly $3 billion. What I need to figure out is how to get closer to that figure, or at least make it to the top 100,000. I guess writing on a more consistent basis would help.

What I want to do is build traffic on this website so I can increase my value and the value I give to others. This website was pretty popular at one time. I would like to regain that and more. I want this to become a breeding ground for people to come and experience growth and change for the best. I need to post at least once or twice weekly with dense material. I need to put in my best effort and I feel that the more I post, the more chances I’ll have to get more traffic, which will in turn provide more value, which will also in turn eventually allow me to earn some sort of income from this website. If I can accomplish that, I just need to keep going on the right track, posting more inspiring and thought-provoking articles and I’ll see abundance. I’m setting this intention now to see what I can truly be capable of and if I strike gold with my new material, so be it. If not, I still enjoy posting here and will continue to do it more. Those who read this website are encouraged to refer others to this website and first go through the archives and then come to my new posts.

Which is better for you? Tea or coffee? When I refer to tea, I’m not refering to herbal tea because it’s not really tea. It’s more herbs than anything else. I like both of them almost equally. Tea is easier on my stomach and coffee gives me a bigger boost. I’ll weigh the pros and cons of each from my own personal experiences and we’ll see which is the best in my humble opinion:

Coffee: I find coffee to be really good for perking my energy up, but it does wreak havoc on my stomach at times. I guess it’s because I drink it black with nothing to dilute it. It is overly acidic, but for the most part, it is a far superior energy booster to tea. If I drink a couple mugs of coffee, I’m ready to go. Tea, not as much. Coffee does not taste half as good as the flavored teas I have in my home. I’ve never cared for flavored coffee either. I can hardly ever taste the flavor and it doesn’t make the coffee taste that much better. Coffee, when consumed in excess, leaves me extremely jittery.

Black tea: Black tea is very tasty and very caffeinated, but not to the tune that coffee is. It doesn’t mess with my stomach half as bad and it does give me some boost and a feeling of calmness as well. It doesn’t leave me jittery. I feel the antioxidants more and feel like it is a healthy drink vs. a necessary evil. Now, I know coffee isn’t BAD for you, but it’s not as good as tea for you.

Green tea: Has little punch, but has a good calming effect and when I drink it, my mind works better. I can drink it before going to bed and still sleep, which I cannot say for the other two. It doesn’t have much taste unless it’s flavored, which is the only kind I drink anyway, so it’s on the weak side. White tea also fits in here, but it has less caffeine and less taste. Sure, it’s the purest tea on Earth, but I just don’t like it that much. Green tea is good, but not as good as black tea in most regards.

Herbal tea: Herbal tea is great at bedtime and there are so many interesting concoctions. I like the taste of most herbal teas and since there are so many to choose from and there is no caffeine, it can be said that herbal teas are the least addictive of the hot beverages. When I drink too much caffeine, I can bring myself down to base with some herbal teas. The two brands I would suggest the most are Bigelow and Celestial Seasonings. Also, Chakara teas are very tasty and very different.

Tea and coffee are both loaded with antioxidants and both have positive health benefits. To me, coffee is the least healthy of all these choices, but it is by no means unhealthy. I would have to say I drink mostly coffee in the early day and tea later at night. I know tea has fluoride, which is a negative, so I always drink some herbal too.

I was kind of bored and put this post together just to give my opinions on tea. And coffee. I’ll try to think of some more meaningful posts in the future. Have a nice night.