10 Reasons Why You Should NOT Marry a Foreigner (Like I Did)

What with all of the wonderful reasons why marrying a foreigner is fantastic fun (see our post 10 Reasons Why You Should Marry a Foreigner), there are some definite downsides as well. International marriage isn’t always filled with rolling R’s, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate, blossoming roses and “until death do us part.” It also comes with heart-wrenching and, at times, heart-breaking realities that make us question our choices.

Below are a few reasons for why I find international marriage difficult. Although I wouldn’t say these are necessarily reasons not to marry a foreigner (I chose the title to match our other fun, more positive post), you might want to think long and hard about these before tying the knot with your international spouse-to-be:

10. Far away from family. One of us is always living far, far, far away from family and friends. There will never be a time when we are close to his family as well as mine.

9. Loss of holiday traditions. My husband especially feels this when Christmastime rolls around: There is nothing even close to a Weihnachtsmarkt here in Seattle (and where is the smell of roasting nuts filling the air?). When I lived in Germany, Thanksgiving came and went without even the sighting of a turkey, let alone family getting together to celebrate. Things just feel a little less warm and comforting when our holiday traditions disappear.

8. Cultural misunderstandings. My husband and I have learned to appreciate most of one another’s cultural quirks (this has actually been a fun process overall). However, there are times when our cultural differences rub one another the wrong way. The cultural idiosyncrasies of my husband that I love the most can also cause me the most frustration when I’m not at my best (and mine can do the same to him!).

7. What if we divorce? Being that one can never know where life will lead us, if my husband and I were to divorce (God forbid), I have no idea how difficult things could get. What if he wanted to move back to Germany? Where would the kids live? Would they live with me or him or travel between us both? All in all, international couples who divorce tend to have more difficult decisions to make when compared to those who live in the same country.

6. Learning the language. Being that I am not fluent in German (and my German seems to decline steadily each year that we live in the USA), it pains me not to be able to understand nuances of my husband’s language. When we visit his family, I often don’t understand subtle jokes and can feel like an outsider. My husband is completely fluent in English yet he can still feel out of place when he hangs out with a bunch of Americans using slang and subtle cultural references. I can’t even imagine what it is like for couples who don’t speak each other’s languages!

5. It takes a lot of work. Marriage in general can be a lot of work. However, international marriages take just that little bit more. My husband had to listen to my complaints (for a long time) about how different life was in Germany. Then I had to listen to the same from him when we moved to the States. Aside from getting used to living with one another, we had overarching cultural differences to deal with which could really wear us down and test our marriage. Even today we hit cultural nuances that test our boundaries.

4. Never completely at home. Even though my husband feels very comfortable here in the States, he still doesn’t feel 100 percent at home. Not only do others treat him as a foreigner, no matter how hard he tries, this country will just never hold the same degree of comfort as his country of origin. The knowledge of this weighs heavy on me from time to time.

3. The end of true vacations. Ever since my husband and I have been together vacations have taken on a whole new meaning: Visiting family. I can’t remember the last time we took a long vacation that didn’t have as its core visiting family members. Since we live relatively far from my American family, we alternate vacation years so that we can visit his family one year and mine the next. How else can our families see their grandchildren/niece/nephews grow up? We love visiting family but it can put an added strain on our marriage since we never really get a “true” vacation to places that we’d like to visit and don’t know a soul.

2. Airplane flights are expensive. While others are investing their extra dollars in college or retirement accounts, we are saving up for our next airline tickets to Germany! $7,000 is a lot of money which we’d love to be able to invest for the future. Our choice to invest it in the present to visit family in Germany is important to us but it does hurt at times. Our children’s grandmother won’t be alive forever so we do what we can to visit her as often as we can. We’ll hope to work out college and retirement as best we can.

1. At least one set of grandparents is always far away. Our children will never be able to have both sets of grandparents living nearby. Someone is always going to be far, far away. Skype is a wonderful thing but it still doesn’t replace spending time with real, live grandparents, aunts and uncles. This can be extremely heartbreaking at times.

And here is one more general question: Where will we be buried when we die? Will it be in the country that we live in now? Or in our country of origin? Or will we let our children decide based on where they are living? Many of us know the answer already while others have no idea.

Despite this list of reasons why international marriage can be tough at times, I would never, ever exchange it for anything else. My relationship with my husband has been the most wonderful experience in my life. We feel so very lucky to have found one another.

Please share your difficulties of international marriage below in the comments section! You are certainly not alone in your struggles.

Corey Heller is the founder of Multilingual Living and the Editor-In-Chief/Publisher of Multilingual Living Magazine. Multilingual Living is the place where she shares her knowledge about raising multilingual and multicultural children. Corey, an American, and her German husband live in Seattle where they raise and homeschool their three children, ages 15, 14 and 12, in German and English.

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Huh every point rings a bell….just got divorced after living in his coutry for 9 years. Two girls, 8 and 5, moving with me to my original country, and daddy is moving to a third country to work. Daddy remains on skype and will come sometimes …poor kids. I have to readjust to my country which has enourmously changed in 9 years, find a job and live with my parents. Aaaand, keep the kids other language (thank`s god they are completely bilingual), which will be quite a bit of a challenge for me, who has learnt it, but not a native speaker of that language, and now nobody around me speaks it. Tough, but better than being stuck in another country in a bad relationship… I am trying to make sense of my 9 years` experience and use it for a better future. Good luck to everyone with international marriages. I think apart from all these enlisted problems, it can be really rewarding and interesting – but everyone needs to be veeeery aware of these difficulties before entering.

Hi Judith, reading your post made me slightly nervous That’s because I’ve been with my fiance for over 5 years & your story made me wonder if my relationship will end the same way? Right now I’m in her homeland where I’ve been living for over 5 years. I’m planning to return to the States soon & apply for a fiance or K-1 visa. I happen to have an immigration attorney friend whose been warning me of the high failure rate between Dominican & American marriages. Not to be nosy but I suspect you were married to an Arab guy. I’m American but know them all too well! My virgin 20 year old sister married one & he beat her & put her in the hospital! I didn’t even know about it because I had moved to another State 500 miles away! And it is a good thing because I would have killed the bastard! I hate any male that even raises his voice at a woman let alone hurts one!

Sorry if I am late to post my comment . I was actually searching for something else and I read 10 reasons why not to marry …… and I had to answer or least give my opinion !
First , I am American and my wife is Japanese . We first met in California and started dating also lived together for three years in California and that was 17+ years ago . We have been married for 16 years next month is our anniversary:).
I’ll give you many reasons why you should marry your love !
1. True love only comes around once and if your lucky twice . We fell in love at first sight !
2. Differences are beautiful .
3. It opens your mind well at least mine to being open minded and not carrying about what the world thinks of us :).
4. We have the most wonderful time when we do visit our family .
5. Our world is as small as we let it !
6. Your kids will be more understanding to others and less racist !
7. We are all humans:). We don’t look at dogs and say ewww it’s from Germany ! With animals we think owww how cute but with humans we can’t even look each other in the eye if our color/looks are different !
8. As my song says 🙂 love conquers all ! And as my book reads a flower in the city which is about this very same topic . You can check it out on Amazon 🙂 .
9. When you ask God for someone to Love as I did I was thinking of a beautiful person within my race but God gave me what I asked for and what he thought so needed and the same goes for you all.
10. Of your worrying about how someone views your spouse then don’t get married . Marriage is for the devoted and strong and the ones who found that special someone to share life with and love no matter the circumstances !
Those years passed by so fast with us . We are still young and we all go to bed saying I love you and I tell my kids the reason why some people are bullies is because they aren’t happy at home ! If they were they wouldn’t care about what others are doing specially if they are happy . I also taught my son about Japanese history so when someone calls him mixed he will explain what he is mixed with including the different races that The Japanese people of today are mixed with lol ! Don’t let love fly away … that’s a name of another song I wrote ! Don’t worry so much about who you marry but why you are marrying ! Cheers to all who marries out of Love !

Arveka. What a wonderful post. Thank you for bringing God into this picture of people’s lives. I too asked God to send someone but he was not from America. I totally trust God’s decision on who He found for me. I love him dearly. May God bless you and your wonderful family.

Your viewpoint on the international marriages is profoundness. Yes with the love and respect between both of you is more important. The children are attractive. The Asian cultures have more disciplined on the children of learning and to become sussessful.I married to my husband who is an U S citizen.We had a lot deferent appinions but the end of the day we try to take what ever it is right and common sense. My son had a good job and married to a wonderful American girl. She is a school teacher.On another hand, because we live in the U S my son is toltaly Americanize.yes one down side,I don’t have a chance to see my family in Thailand more often.

Hi. International Marriage is a tough one, and I agree with most of your list. I think European marriage is slightly easier and less costly to visit your family at least! I’m English and married to a frenchman. I’m also very lucky that by coincidence we now/currently live in the same region of France as my parents (who moved here before us) and my husbands parents. So the kids are extremely lucky to have both sets of grandparents only a short drive away. I still miss my home country, although I’m sure it’s changed so much now I wouldn’t feel at home if I went back. The divorce and death points are both scary ones, but I imagine they’re scary for anyone!!

All of these are very on point!! I am from the U.S. and my Brazilian husband lives here with me. Luckily we live right across the street from my mother (we can wave to each other from our own houses!!) but my husband suffers a lot in missing his family in Brazil (we visit them once a year for a month at a time).

I am happy that you are so understanding to visit his family so often. God will definitely reward you for this. We are not going to be here for ever. So, keep it up. Your children will respect you for this.

Yep… International marriage certainly is difficult, as is marriage in general, but it becomes especially difficult when your partner’s theory of integration means “think, eat, breath like you’re one them”. My husband and I have struggled for a long time. I have learned many things from him, and there are so many things I like/prefer about living here, but I suspect that I have never been able to teach my partner anything; that perhaps there is another way of dealing then the manner derived from his cultural background. Loneliness is the most difficult element in the relationship. I am quite an independent person and can find my way quite easily – I built a life on my own – but no matter how much I invest, a part of me will never be accepted, not even in my own home. Having said all of this, looking back I would probably do it again … all of the points listed are very well known to me … the funny part is that I ended up with a job at the university working with foreign students who share the points on the list even though not married. Having my own personal experiences has made me an ideal person for my position.

Being an international couple living in a third country (Iceland), I totally relate with these challenges. Although we’re still not married, where to get married is also a problem. Our families and friends are scattered across the world and ideally we’d like to gather them all in our wedding!

Also, it’s soooo expensive to make these family visits! We still haven’t visited my birth place (Philippines) because it’s way cheaper to go to Spain (his birth place) than to Asia. We’ll need around $10000 to be able to go to Philippines. And a part of visits, it’s also a lot of job communicating with them. I make it a habit to have a yearly compilation of the best videos and pictures of our 4-year old child so that our families and friends are at least up to date even from afar.

We live in a complex situation but it’s also fun… We’re unique and people still are quite surprised that we make it work out. All these challenges make it very entertaining to raise our multilingual child and be a multicultural family.

Hello Kriselle your comment touched my heart and I don’t know why I felt an immediate connection with you, its maybe because I am also Filipino. If there is any way I can contact you through email I would like to ask you question about how you make it work especially, the fact that you and your husband speak different languages. If you read this and reply back to me I will greatly appreciate it! 🙂

We are also a family of two foreigners living in a third country. While this brings it own challenges (neither family nearby, always having to travel to families during vacations), we are at least both foreigners in a foreign land together and we’ve had to learn to lean on one another for support and love along the way. Because neither of us has the advantage of celebrating their holidays or being in their comfort culture, we’ve been able to pick and choose the things that we love most and abandon all of the silly things that never interested us. Intercultural marriages are definitely not easy, but I’m not too convinced that they are really *that* much harder than any other marriage. If you love one another and truly want to be together, you’ll find a way to make it all work.

I’m married to an immigrant (he lives in Canada now, as does his entire family), which makes a lot of this easier for us to deal with. But the language issue is definitely something to think about, especially when it comes to any future children. Both my husband and I have languages that are different from the majority language where we live. So we’d have to decide if we want our child to be trilingual. (In the long term? Yes, absolutely! In the very beginning? Tricky question.)

Cultural differences can be hard to navigate at first. Our first year together was all about compromise and figuring stuff out – like me convincing him that walking alone did NOT mean that I was going to get kidnapped. Ha!

Absolutely yes yes yes…great post and very true. We also have those problems as a multicultural marriage (he is Pakistani,I am Polish) but still manage to be a happy one. We r both missing our families,cause we are living in the UK,so families r far far away 🙁

I always say that if other people had to work through the types of questions my husband and I had no choice but to work through before they ever got to their first date much less their first wedding anniversary, there would be a lot more solid marriages around. There is nothing like a discussion of potentially grilling out fajitas instead of doing a turkey for Thanksgiving, or potentially missing a World Cup quarterfinal match in favor of sleep, to reveal your vulnerabilites and convince you to trust, listen and compromise. It can be a wild ride. It’s like you’re front-loading thirty years’ worth of marriage work into the first year. But I say all this as someone whose first spouse was from the same background as myself. “Things you have in common” will not save you, because interests and especially needs change as you add family being born/dying, health or sickness, prosperity or poverty, all the things that can happen. My current (happy) husband and I figured out from the first five minutes how to have a meaningful conversation when neither one of us was quite altogether speaking the same language as the other, identify what was vitally important each to the other, and come up together with what to do. How many people are married thirty years to someone feeling like the other person has never really listened to or understood them.

Even though I’m Dutch and my husband is American I find that a lot of these don’t apply to us as much. This is most likely due to the fact that I came here as a college exchange student at 17 and never left. I have now been in the US longer than my native country so I essentially did all my adult growing up here and feel most comfortable here in the US. I actually feel like a foreigner in my native country.
As far as family vacations go, it is very true but this applies to a lot of Americans as well. I have 2 stepdaughters who moved to the East Coast when they were 8 and 10. Until recently (they are now in college) we would go out and visit them several times a year as well or they would come to be with us. I think that in a country as big as the US it is not uncommon for families to visit family during their time off. It certainly is the case for us for both US and European family.
In case of divorce it luckily would not be an issue with our daughter. It is very unlikely that I will ever move back to my native country. This again goes back to basically doing all of my growing up here and getting my education here and having all my retirement and assets here. Plus I don’t really have the desire to ever move back. This is my second marriage and my mother thought for sure I would move back when I got divorced but it never crossed my mind (and the divorce really didn’t have anything to do with it being international in our case).
One thing I do struggle with (and we still have not really dealth with this) is not so much where I want to be buried (I’d likely want to be cremated anyway) but what to do for our 3 year old in case anything happens to mom and dad. My husband’s family would not be an option for guardianship. My family really is not either. My sister could do it but I would not want to uproot my daughter to another country if something happened to us. Financially it would be a nightmare as well (all the assets and inheritance that would be used to take care if her would be in the US). I would not want to saddle my stepdaughters with the responsibility of raising a young child at this point in their lives. In a few more years they would be happy to take on that responsibility however. Had my in laws been a lot younger (and us too :-)) this would probably not been as big an issue. In the mean time we have to figure out which friend to ask about potential guardianship which is easier said than done.
I think there is a lot of truth to all the statements made here but I think there are also a lot of variables. I believe that what may make international marriages more challenging also makes them more interesting 🙂

My husband is Dutch and I’m an American. I started out living in th Netherlands, but found it very different to acclimate. In the beginning when I lived in the Netherlands, it was new and exciting. It didn’t bother me that I couldn’t understand anything; words, signs, reading ingredients while shopping took longer because I’d use a translator app, using a metric conversion app for cooking recipes, everything closing early. But after awhile my senses started closing down since I couldn’t understand anything, so started to isolate myself, then depression consumed me. We decided to live apart, allowing me to build a foundation for us in the US, while worked on paying obligated debts. He suppose to merge his life with me in the US. Both of us being in our 50’s and mature, we both thought that of course we’d miss each other, focus on the goal, and he would come visit every 3 to 4 months, but the pain of constantly dropping him off at the airport became a repetitive painful event. Also, because I lived there, the US doesn’t quite feel like home anymore, so now neither country feels like home. I love the bright blue sunshine skies and 24/7 conveniences, I didn’t like the gray skies and everything closing at 5pm every night. I love the food in the Netherlands than the US. I hate politics and patriotism of the US. I have come to respect the Eurpean work culture in that you can’t get fired unless there’s an unforgivable unethical act. The Euroeans are much more respectful of one needing the security of income. We’ve decided that we’d continue trying, but we were going to to have a deadline in the next few months. If I continue the pain of missing my husband, that I would go back to him and just fully embrace the lifestyle.

Am Ugandan aged 32 still single hoping for this marriage. Read your experience, hold coz you’ve got an original eye for that catch that drove you to deciding so, which still goes. Even singles who once had their hearts placed find it difficult to settle if factors like you have derive them to distancing. Biblically, there will never be straight life. Marrying from same country is good but if can’t focus each others interests still pains come. Only keep a forward sight in everything.

BOTH of us are foreigners. I am “the American” one (a Puerto Rican in the U.S.) and my spouse is from Peru. We both have extremely different backgrounds in culture, religion, food, family and even our Spanish! There is still something in our accents that makes things confusing or even frustrating at times….However, we make it work and just learn from each other daily…or end up laughing… We have plans, we travel, we have goals. Just like any other so-called ‘normal’ couple. Knowing we are meant for each other is an added plus.

Hey! I’m Chilean and my Fiancé is German. We both live in Chile now but next year we’ll move to Germany. We’re planning the wedding and we have realized that planning an international wedding is twice as complicated (and expensive!) as planning a regular one. Thinking of our guests who don’t speak a bit of one of the languages involved. My family only speak spanish and her family only speak german, plus our friends who only speak english. It’s been difficult thinking about translators, brouchures, invitations, and all the information in all 3 languages! Added is the fact that my family (a large one!) will have to flight all the way to Germany (that’s very expensive from South America). It’s challenging but also very interesting. Just as Corey, I wouldn’t trade my life with Annett.

Finally, a post that talks about some of the challenging aspects of intercultural marriage! From films like “Under the Tuscan Sun” and “Eat, Pray, Love”, you’d think all cross-cultural couples marry and sail off happily into the sunset. Thanks for writing this, Corey, and for initiating the conversation. I agree with all your points on your list and, while I also agree that some same-culture couples also struggle, I do think it takes more work to navigate these issues in a mixed culture relationship. Three other sticking points I’d add to your list are: 1) No shared memories from your childhood or youth – While it can be fun to learn about the different ways you grew up, I sometimes wish I could just mention a song or TV show or use some other cultural “shorthand” and my husband would instantly know what I was referring to. You know, like listening to the Beach Boys in the car on a summer day. 2) Deciding where to retire – My husband’s quite set on moving back home once he’s retired, whereas I’m pretty sure I’m going to want to be within striking distance of our kids. 3) Which brings me to my next issue – Where on earth will our kids end up living? Of course, I want them to choose the life they want to live and I’m glad we’ve exposed them to two cultures. But I sure hope they don’t up and move far away like their dad did. 🙂 I remember my mother-in-law wryly commenting on that possibility once.

It’s interesting because, while I agree with every one of the 10 points, I still find myself in disagreement with the title (your disclaimer duly noted). Despite all the challenges that you’ve accurately listed, I still feel like my life overall is much more rich and interesting due to the cultural differences of my Sicilian wife. Ironically, maybe that’s part of her influence on me: most Italians would much rather have an interesting life than an easy one.

Here, Here! My parents were both from different countries and because they didn’t understand each other’s cultural nuances, they made life a living hell for me as a kid. Don’t do it — for the children’s sake. They will live a life of hell.

Hi there!
Wow u really seem like u had a tough childhood… If you don’t mind me Asking, what was it that brought your parents together and made them want to marry in the first place, did they feel they loved each other and had high hopes that they wud accept each others differences and compromise etc?

I am brazilian and my husband is american, in the beggining of our wedding the cultural diferences were a challenge for us, we lived for 1 year in the Caribean and was amazing, in 2010 we moved to the US and had our 1st son, it was difficult to me as a 22yo new mother to take care of a NB by myself, since my mom’s visa was denied. My husband is the only child and besides his parents, has no family in the US.
Now I am pregnant with our 2nd child, leave in a different country with no friends or family around is difficult, I loved the post.

If you are still in/around Seattle, I hope you have gotten the chance to venture over the mountains to Leavenworth – a ‘Bavarian village’ right there in Washington! Maybe it’ll make your husband feel more at home around the Christmas season – that is when it is at it’s best. I know how he feels – I spent last Christmas in the Netherlands where their idea of ‘festivities’ is an extra nice piece of meat for dinner 🙁 Back to Seattle this year!

All very good points. I am German and my husband is American and we live near Boston. I moved here 10 years ago and it still feels like I am the foreigner and he is at home. This sometimes leads to feelings of resentment, especially around the holidays when we spend time with his family and I miss out on my own personal experience. Christmas is just much more enjoyable in Germany 😉
Overall, the work that goes into an international marriage is so much more intense. The risks are higher and you start out with a whole additional package of potential problems. So far, it’s been worth it but I always tell people that they should not look for it because it comes with a lot of pain and heartache.

I’m sorry you feel this way about your Marriage
To your German husband.
I’m 25 and have been dating a French Man
For a year. We are going to France
For Christmas. I don’t know the language
Very well but I’m looking forward to it.
I’m not sure how his parents will respond
To me, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
We talk about marriage and I would love to
Marry him.
I like our differences, and I’m sure times will
Be tough if we do marry.
I’m looking forward to it.
You brought up no thanksgiving in Germany
That’s your fault!
If my future and I move to France, I will celebrate
Thanksgiving, and bring new traditions with me.
Reading your post made sad.
It was like hearing a cranky man in his fortys
Telling me don’t get married- because he
Is having a bad marriage.
Grow up.

I am afraid that everything about this list is true.
My ethnicity is Asian however am quiet assimilated to the Australian culture which is also a mix of various cultures. I have slept with numerous Australian guys but have dated an Austrian and now currently dating an Armenian.
Even though we have some similarities – (lack of) faith, music tastes, all quiet geeky, our culture seems to be this continuous gap. With myself, even though I am Asian I consider myself more Australian and my Austrian, when we were dating, would have some stereotypes about me, for example he emailed me this news article link about what some country villagers did (!!) from my country of birth.
As for the Armenian I am not sure yet but I can tell that there might be some things about our upbringing that we share but again there is that cultural divide…it doesn’t just pop up in the big events but also in the smaller details… for example, even conversations like travel he would bring up my “nationality privileged” which grates on me as I’ve had a rough upbringing.
I also dated an Australia who is a TCK (Third Culture Kid) and he would be jumping continents for work or for family reasons and during the times overseas would barely contact me because he was busy but when he and I are in the same country, he would have time. Eventually I decided not to get in touch with him, after ‘mourning’ him for a while and then moving on…
I am sure that there is still hope with marrying foreigners, as I don’t want to discount meeting someone potentially awesome just because of their nationality and I don’t date people because of their nationality…but I can tell that it’ll be a bumpy ride, especially if you are a couple both from a “third world culture” where you have to face your own, as well as your partner’s, racialised remarks…! But I honestly would rather have this than facing someone from a culture who has had a history (past or current) of thinking that they own the world!

Its sometimes feels like you’re the only one who has dealt with these things. There really needs to be a support group for foreign marriages. I’ve been married to a foreigner for nearly 20 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier. Now I live in fear of divorce and losing my kids. The D word isn’t in my vocabulary, but my spouse has been suffering from depression and often blames me for her loss of happiness. I think she believes that the solution is to split, and if we didn’t have kids I might just go along with it because it feels like there is no winning in pleading for her to get help. But sadly, a point may come where I have no choice in the matter and while my kids really are my reason for living, I can never imagine trying to take them away from their mother. I’ve never stopped loving her, but I can’t understand what she is going through and she doesn’t take my pleas for her to see someone as anything but attacks. If our marriage ends, I lose the 2 greatest things in my life…possibly having them move thousands of miles away with no way to have them in my life.

So yes- everything said here is 100% accurate. You don’t really choose who you fall in love with, but be prepared for an immensely difficult time as described above that could end with the most unthinkable losses…not just divorce, but divorce with the loss of your whole family in a way that makes you a stranger to them. You think you’ll never find yourself in this situation but you don’t have control how much or little someone else loves you. You can seemingly do everything right and still run up against mental illness and depression that poisons the situation…or sometimes the love just dies no matter what you try. That can happen in any relationship, but in an international marriage with kids, its most devastating. Every time they fly home with the kids and leave you behind, you wonder if you’ll see them again. Its like feeling your heart cut out again and again. Its hard to describe the pain except that it is sickeningly painful.

John, that is sad. Take a deep breath and forget divorce for a minute, no matter what your wife is saying. Now, she is suffering from depression – is she getting help? Cognitive behaviour therapy? You won’t lose your kids at all. You are their dad and they need you regardless of what happens. Now, I met a lovely Finnish man in Cambodia once – his first wife (a Finn) had a depressive breakdown and eventually they divorced. He then was working in Asia alot and met a Thai lady who moved to finland for him and experienced the snow! He was much happier with her. Make sure you get your support network together where you are – your own friends and keep exercising and eating good food and see a marriage counsellor if you need to.

Hi John I read your post and it made me feel very sad however I can so relate to your pain and what is happening for you at this time. I am also married to a foreigner and living in my husbands country of Canada also with our 2 children. We lived in New Zealand together for 12 years before coming to Canada 2 1/2 years ago. I have struggled with the move and find the cold long winters extremely challenging. I am feeling more settled now I finally have permanent residence status and can finally work and be independent again. However I am often very sad and wonder if it is depression or just a deep longing for home. My husband is very accommodating and tries to be supportive but its always challenging trying to be positive and to keep up happy appearances. He says he will go back to New Zealand with me although I know he is over living there and says there is nothing for him there and that he also feels like an outsider. I have started feeling resentment towards him for this whole situation – it is just so tricky and so painful to bear at times. I would love to hear an update from you and see how things have progressed. I am at a transition right now where I need to make some big decisions of selling property at home and moving on and feel I just need clarity on what steps to take next. I hope you have had a happy outcome with your family and all is well in your world. love and light to you. Anna

I wonder how you are doing now? I feel very similar to what you write about.
I’m an Australian married to a Canadian- we lived in Australia and had our 2 kids there near my family and good friends. My husband always wanted to come back to Canada so 2 years ago we moved here with our children. We have moved to our beautiful part in BC where we’ve made wonderful friends and have a good life. The only problem is that I long to be home with my family and friends and miss our life from Australia. My husband loves/lives for snowboarding and mountain biking while I’m like ‘meh’… I love the outdoors but living here with 3 months of grey skies so far this year… many more to come I’ve felt very down. We actually bought a house in Canada a month ago and I have been sick since the day we moved in – I’m normally healthy and have never been this sick. Anyways, when I tell my husband (who by the way is gone for 5 weeks home for 3 weeks) that I need to be home with my family and the kids need their aunts/uncles/grandparents and cousins – he says that he doesn’t want to move back anytime soon.
I’m just wondering how you are feeling now and how long I keep being untrue to how I feel,

These posts are ringing so true, my Canadian husband lived in London for 12 years and all our children were born here. Then after he was always missing home I agreed to move to Toronto. The last 8 years have been such hard years. I couldn’t find work or make good friends and hated the winters. Worst of all I trained as a teacher and all the Canadians are leaving for the UK. So now I am living alone in London for a year teaching while my husband is taking care of our 3 children. Here is home I love living here but all my children resisted moving back and my husband made it easy for them to stay. Although we are still committed to each other I don’t know how we can make it work. So my advice would be to very carefully consider moving, especially if you are older, I was 38. But even earlier consider whether your partner’s country is somewhere you love. I have never loved Canada and now as the kids get older I am more homesick than ever. So I am going back in July and visiting every holiday but it is hard and my youngest is 11.

Hey Charlotte, very interesting to me what you’re saying as I’ve always felt great in England but I don’t relate to Canadian culture, which is where I am now. I’m originally from South America and living here with Canadian husband for 2 years now. I see many differencies in culrure and idiosyncrasies, the way I can have a conversation with an English person is so different from here and actually Argentina, South America is so much alike Europe than North America.
What did you decide to do ?

I’m an American married to a Dutch and currently living in Holland. We recently celebrated our one year anniversary. We are of two different nationality, culture and ethnicity. (I’m Asian and he’s Caucasion) We met in 2003 so I’ve had a chance to visit Holland several times before tying the know. But I was very indecisive about marriage until the last minute because of my adjustment issues and not ‘Really’ liking Holland all that much. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong choice and wish I had never married. To this day, the thought of divorce crosses my mind every few days. Not sure if that’s a warning sign. So far we don’t have kids so I’m still confused about what my heart is telling me.

Hi! I just read your comment to a 2014 post about reasons to not marry a foreign and I could relate to you.
I am Brazilian Japanese, was born and raised in Brazil and my asian roots are very strong.
I am in a long relationship with my Swedish boyfriend and i do think he is the one. My problem is that i went to visit his family in Sweden just recently. I loved them but I didn’t feel confident about me living there. Here in Brazil I live in a traditional Okinawan neighborhood and so much close to the culture of my relatives hometown in Japan. I missed this when i was in Sweden for 3 weeks. Not just being far from my family, but not having the community around and all the traditions, I felt very homesick and worried about my future if I move to Sweden. I am afraid that I won’t adapt myself in this whole different country with no people ‘like’ me.
I was just wondering how is your relationship going with your foreign partner. How diffucult it is. If it is working or you really gave up.

I am sorry if i didn’t write very well, but i’d be grateful if you could share a bit of your experience with me.

Corey and all the people who have posted comments have made some excellent points here. My parents have been in an international marriage (Denmark and Puerto Rico) for the past 25+ years. This situation led me to grow up in Puerto Rico, Denmark, and the United States during the first twenty-three years of my life. I have witnessed every one of the ten points that Corey raises in the post except for #7 (if it ever was an issue it was always kept from the kids). For instance, for my Danish father, Christmas always meant a quiet celebration with snow, rain, and candles in the window, so for him, Christmas in Puerto Rico – where it is hot and celebrations last a month and are rather noisy and loud – never truly felt the same. For my mother, the taciturn and distant Scandinavian disposition was cold, impersonal, and unfriendly. Both of my parents came from tight-knit families, so constantly being far from one side of the family was difficult, and as a result I never formed close relationships with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins and to this day I still feel shy around them.

Nevertheless, I think certain elements can affect the success of an international marriage. Please note that I don’t have scientific proof for these assertions – these are simply personal thoughts and reflections based upon my experiences. If the couple is located in a third country, it might be perceived as “fairer” in that neither partner is in his/her native country, close to family and surrounded by a familiar language. For instance, upon moving to the United States, neither my father nor my mother had any relatives in the country, which was a departure from having previously lived in Puerto Rico and Denmark. I also believe that humility is very important, especially in learning the local language. For instance, my father was not afraid to look silly in stores in Puerto Rico, and if he could not communicate in Spanish, he would resort to sign language, funny faces, etc. It generated laughs (and blushes from me), but it worked for him. I also think that another key element is trying to maintain traditions from both sides of the family in the home, even in a modified form. For instance, even in frigid Denmark we would go outside on the night of January 5 and pick grass to put in a shoebox for the Three Kings’ camels, who were making a special trip from Puerto Rico to leave us our Epiphany presents. In the sweltering Caribbean heat of Puerto Rico, the Julenisse (a Danish Christmas elf) delivered presents on Christmas Eve. Because we moved back and forth a lot, my parents thought it important to cultivate knowledge of each culture to facilitate our re-entry, but I think it was also a way of showing respect and valuing each other’s culture.

International marriages also have important consequences for the children of such relationships. First and foremost, there can be strong identity issues. For children who have a mixed background or who grew up in multiple locations, answering the question “Where are you from?” can be very difficult (I still struggle to give succinct and concise answers). There is also the possibility of rejection from peers in each “constituent” or host culture. For instance, my Puerto Rican family always viewed me as Danish, but the Danes swore that I was not truly one of them because fifty percent of me came from Latin America. Upon moving to the United States, I did not (nor do I still) feel “American” even though I attended high school and college here (I definitely have become Americanized, but I still feel awkward waving an American flag or identifying as “American” while abroad). Then, of course, there is the “politics” of language usage at home: if both parents speak different languages, but the children prefer one or the other, are they implicitly preferring that parent to the other? I don’t necessarily think so, but I have a few friends who occasionally use language to exclude one parent, which can lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Thus, I think what I’m going for with all this rambling is that international marriages have significant effects for everyone involved, parents and children alike. The most interesting aspect is how each couple chooses to go about addressing these issues. There is no failsafe method, and I think each international couple/family will make mistakes, rectify as needed, and most importantly, learn together.

I know what you mean by identity issues. I myself am a half German half Dutch that lived in The Netherlands all my live but because my German mother did all of my upbringing i felt like a stranger in the Dutch culture, even when the Dutch and German cultures are not that differand if you compare it to other cultures all over the world . (I did not know why i felt differand for a long time) Also in my case the Dutch familie sayed i am German and the German familie feels that i am Dutch. I vowed to never do this to my children but… now i am married to an Ethiopian. I dont have children jet but i feel sorry for them if i think of having children even when i know that my husband will be an amazing father to them.

Not growing up with expanded familie can be hard to, expressly when you see that grandparents feel more comfortable around those grandchildren that they see the whole year. Ofcaurse they have a better bond with them but it still hurts sometimes.

An other problem will be the languish of our children… I am used to use both German and Dutch at home because of that somethings are better told in one of the two. And my husband ofcause wishes to be able to talk Amhairc with them but they will also need to learn Englisch. I have been thinking about choosing between German and Dutch but than i will not be able to express myself fully to them.

I’m so thankful I stumbled on this article! also i loved reading everyones stories.
I’m an American girl in a serious relationship With a german boy. He came to the US for aviation school 2 years ago. I can’t imagine life without him now. after he finishes school he has 90 days to get a job in aviation. Otherwise he has to move back to germany. It has puts an added pressure on us to be married so we don’t ever have to be apart. although we do plan on getting married someday how the hell would I plan a german/american wedding?? Its very unlikely our familes will both attend our wedding because planes tickets are so expensive. It breaks my heart thinking my dad couldn’t walk me down the isle.
However That is only one day in our life together. My sweet German sauerkraut took me to germany to meet his wonderful family and travel his country last summer and a surprise trip home with him for Christmas! I’m so blessed to get the chance to see places I never even dreamed of. I like what the kiwi said we live a hard but intresting life. Never boring.

You could celebrate your marriage two times like i did. It was to expensive for my familie to got to Ethiopia and we would never get all visa’s for his familie if we would celebrate it in Europa. That is why we decided to celebrate in Ethiopia with his familie and friends and than again in Europa.

Americans, at least those not from the larger and more multicultural cities, tend to be very provincial. With all the pressure for flag-waving church-going conformity, any American typically would like to watch the same sitcoms, eat the same fast food, and do the same things overall as every other American. Why then do so many marry foreigners? Is it out of a suddenly-found cosmopolitan or inclusive attitude that pops up in enlightened individuals, or is the key element simple desperation? For more thoughts on this topic, check out…http://www.thanksalwaysreturns.net/ExperimentPartThree.html

Well.. Me (from Prague), my wife (from Istanbul) and our baby-girl living in Prague. All points listed up there are truth. But if you count to it completely different religion – my wife is “muslim” and me atheist. Even more complicated situations – so many questions, many of them can not be answered or solved. Many times I have asked myself, if this is really worth it. After nine years of chess everything worked out. I am happy and i love my wife and our baby more and more, yet there is one major issue, which probably never will be sorted, because it is point, where my wife doesn´t want to make any compromise even little one. And after all we went through I feel like it is some joke. It is my brother, which lives just next door. He used to be kind of guy, which lived rebel life – drinking and plenty of different girls – some of them drunk been even knocking at our doors. He didn´t really care about anything then himself. Yet, he have suddenly changed, found himself some girl and after 4-5 months she have got pregnant with him and now he would like to make big line behind his previous life. He it is still that kind of way ignorant, though it is in somehow acceptable – noone is perfect. Yet, my wife doesn´t accept this. I understand her feelings about this, though I feel everyone deserves second chance and that is something, she doesn´t wanna give. She doesn´t accept my brothers girl as his – even talks about how she doesn´t trust that it is his son. And that is where comes another problem, whenever I try to speak with my brother – there is problem, but if I try to speak to his girlfriend – there is fire on the roof. She doesn´t want to make any compromise – I do.. So I am speaking time to time (once a month or so) with them and keep Eye on my nephew – which will never really see his uncle. And this is some big heart-breaking issue, which I do not really know how to take care of. I love my wife, yet I know she is very ignorant in some things. There is no middle way at this point. If we lived in some other country – it would have been probably more easy. Because of the baby-girl and economic part – this is almost impossible. So, when people say, that it is difficult to live in country of the other, it is not always truth. There is nothing worst, when you living next to your brother and you can not speak to him without direct argument wife your wife. Everytime this happends, i feel like to take my MTB and just go off cliff. How many times I can stand this before I do something stupid? I do not know..

i found this essay ridiculous. i ‘ve been married 25 years, married to my Turkish husband and living in Istanbul since we met. All I can say is, get over yourselves! No one is guaranteed a successful marriage. The divorce rate is 51% in my home town in Oregon. Language issues can be cercone by working on it, for goodness sake! language is like a muscle: use it or lose it. My husband and I are completely flenr in each others language– but i know alot of mixed couple who don’t. holidays? creAte your own meaning. i once decorated a ficus benjamina fir Christmas. Thanksgiving we just make ou favorite foods and give thanks, which is the point. And you can find turkey in Germany, as well as people celebrating Thanksgiving American style. i did it myself in 1981. Man up!

Danis – I’m sure you have worked hard at your marriage, learning another language etc. But I think you have been incredibly lucky with the man you happened to find. Not everyone has such a straightforward ride, as many of these articles reveal. Empathy costs nothing.

Yes, there are various reasons that we should not marry a foreigner. If you do this then you ahve to face lots of difficulties like tradition change, religion change, long distances from family members etc. It is very difficult to understand a person that do not belongs to our caste, religion, country etc. Our children will also face lots of difficulties from this type of marriage.Thanks for sharing this post.

This is very true. We live close to Seattle as well, only in the more ‘typical’ international marriage, where my husband is American, and I am German. I can identify with all of the points you are making in your blog, but will also emphasize that I would not trade my life for anything, because it broadens my own horizon, and my views of the world, and its people tremendously, and I would have never thought (and a lot of people that I’ve known during my life in Germany would probably tell you the same) that I would make it alone in a foreign country…. which is where my husband comes in. He has helped me make our house a home, and I feel very comfortable and at home here. I do miss my family, but not so much my country, and we are planning on staying, and raising our daughter here in the Pacific Northwest. 🙂

been married to an Italian, who is British citizen, and Me from Ethiopia, and Living in London. Now divorced- too tough as we had properties in Ethiopia too.
Thank God we did not have children. Due to my job (Media) had a chance to travel to many countries and I love and respect other cultures and fit in easily. – speak 4 language. My ex never wanted to experiance other culture- which is unlike me. Never wanted to go out doors- only luxury (semi luxury) hotels. Me total rough traveler.
Her family live in US and Africa. How can poor me fit my life, visiting family (mainly hers) and living in london in good balance? I could not and was ended with regrets. Yes international marriage has big big challenges. The only reward I would say is the new friends I made during the marriage.

I met him in Dubai he is PakistanI I am Turkish…we got married very difficult due to his parents not accepting me…now his parents want to have their own traditional wedding. So difficult…and my husband keeps listening to his parent’s and wont give me a baby…suffering since 4 years…culture religion..how we humans get screwed over…I wish someone would prove how man made everything is.

Hi isena,
Sad to hear ur in such a difficult situation. I hope you are doing better now, I’d love to know how it all turned out. I know a Turkish girl who want to marry a Pakistani, there is no difference in religion as they are both Muslim. But what is the reason he is not giving baby? And what is it that the mother In law doesn’t like about u, coz ur Turkish? Are u living in Pakistan while ur family is in turkey?

Thank you for the article. I am an American living in my husband’s non-english speaking country. I have 4 kids, my hubby travels internationally 30 to 40 percent each year, so I often feel like a single mom. We attend a church his parents started and attend, including his two sisters and their family. It has not been easy but my husband was the one for me. I wanted to do missions work, but not in this country and not with my in-laws, this is not what I thought. God’s thoughts are not ours and His ways are also not ours.
Looking back on these years, I can absolutely understand each point in your article, but each point I experienced with the help of my Best Friend. I have a deeper appreciation for what Christ did for me, leaving his perfect, comfortable place, to live a life full of difficulty for me out of love. All be it, I have not been persecuted, I have felt like the outsider, even to my husband and his family while living in this country. But it gives an opportunity to be a light even more that I would have been in the good old USA. The title to this article is a bit strong, but the points were right on the dot.

Well, my husband is French and we do just fine. The only negative thing I have like experienced is that I would I would like it if his mom lived closer, she does visit us and stays several months a year, but my mom is dead and I don’t have a lot of family, so I wish his were closer. We don’t have many cultural misunderstandings as both of us are pretty laid back and well-traveled and understand the different ways of thinking. We just let each other be ourselves and don’t take every little thing personally. I was, however, with an Israeli guy for a few years before I met my husband and you wanna talk about cultural problems?! I lived with him in Israel and he and his family ran my entire life for me. Yes, I think sometimes, it can be a bad thing!! Just gotta find the right (and sane) guy and all will be well!!

Finally someone who has the courage the say these things out loud. I wish I had more sense and someone told me all this 4 years ago. We are now engaged, living in a third country (where we met) , and at cross roads where to go next. He wants work experience somewhere further away for both of us and doesn’t think he will be happy in my country. I see no other way for me to be happy other than to move back home. The more we talk about it, the more it looks like we are parting ways.

It’s been almost three years since you’ve written this post and I’ve been wondering how has it been? I’m in exactly the same situation at the moment with my husband wanting to move to South America and see if it’s a good place to settle. I can’t see myself living so far away from my family. I don’t mind giving it a go living in his home country (France) but he prefers to live in a third country for the cultural experience. I’m quite at a loss at the moment and would be happy to know how it worked out for you!

hi there my name is rubi it is very tough but i try to adjust hey if we got married is because we love each other therefore we should try to make things work. i am Dominican but was raised in the U.S. then i met my husband who is Faroese it is very hard to adjust here especialy since the women are always perfect in evrything they do like robots that can bake and knitt. i have just gotten my papers together he wants me to work right away so that i wont get bored being here but im a bit iffy in finding a job if i cannot speak the language 🙁 i will try my best though. i also feel like an outsider when we have family gatherings which is alot of times especially since we do not have kids yet and his brothers wives all they talk about is their babies and you know how that makes a woman feel. in all i take it one day at a time and have faith in what is ahead . with faith anything is possible best of luck to you 😀

Yah right I totally agree I am a foreigner too and it’s almost like impossible to make it work. I’m trying so hard to not fall in love here, because I know it will ruin my life totally. Seems not a big deal to leave your home country and say oh I’m this but I live here peace yolo, but it is actually one of the hardest thing that you can deal with, and only people can understand who experienced it. It is different to live in a country and to visit it.
AND THE CRAZIEST THING IS AFTER CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME YOU WILL BE AN OUTCAST, YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU BELONG. YOU JUST CAN’T CHOOSE BECAUSE IT IS NO GOOD AT EITHER PLACES. YOU BECOME HOMELESS.

So true! You get so confused that after a certain period of time spent abroad is almost impossible to ever feel hapiness,like the plain people that never went out of their country can. If you also had a relationship while abroad, forget it, is a certain heartbreak,or u loose your love or you loose your family.
Your hapiness level reach maximum at 50% .

Ha ha! I guess you are not in a marriage, or in a life, where you talk about it all!! I grew up in India for 21 years. Have been in the US for 22 years now. Married to my Austrian husband for 14 years. Isn’t it natural, when you have shared a life and children with someone, that you talk about where you’ll be buried?!! At least when you drive by a cemetery?!! If not, you really don’t have a friend in your marriage!! I want to be buried next to my husband.. but driving by a cemetery in the US, everything is impersonal! My father is buried in India, and so will my mother someday.. when I walk into that cemetery I go through such emotions..
In other words, I’m more connected to the Indian cemetery..
Anyway, I guess this *IS* a topic that comes up in an international marriage… when you are in it 100%

I’ve gotta say feel for all you guys. I’m not worried about where I will be buried (though I have to say I agree with Carol, just above) but it’s been a long tough road being an American women married to a Tibetan man. I have felt many of the problems mentioned above, but the hardest thing for me is how his culture feels about women – I will never be his equal in his eyes or in the eyes of his family and (Tibetan) friends. This really only comes out when we argue but it’s been pretty awful. Still, for most of the time it has been a wonderful experience – when he’s feeling good he’s a wonderful husband and person to be around. I know a couple of American men married to Tibetan women, and that seems to work a lot better. My friends don’t try and put their wives “in their place” when they argue, and their wives seem thrilled not to be treated like that. The future for us two ? I don’t know. He seems to be getting more irritable as he gets older and I’m not sure if I want to grow old being treated like a servant when he gets into a bad mood. If it keeps getting worse I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to take. Good luck to us all !

This must be the worst article I have ever read. OK so I made it through the first three reasons and then read the conclusion. When love is involved and two people want to create a relationship, why should all this BS that this moron wrote matter?

Ahh, love! Yes, my Ukrainian wife and I (an American) had a lot of it 3 years ago when our marriage started in her country and it overflowed 2 years ago when our son was born. Now, sadly, we are both looking for a way to end it. Maybe if I had been forewarned of the issues I could have prevented the eventual failure of our relationship.

Andy – I imagine you are not married, or have not been in a committed relationship for very long. Most people don’t want to know this, but it’s true: – love is not a feeling, it’s an action. It’s what you actually DO for someone else to make their life better, day after day, in the normal, boring daily routine of life. That’s why many people who’ve been married a long time are content – they have done things for each other all their lives. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do. And even more difficult if you come from different cultures. I suspect what you are talking about is lust, not love. We all make that mistake at the beginning, but with hard work, some people manage to change it to love. I didn’t the first time round – now I’m trying again.

Currently very confused as to what to do, im engaged to an american but live in the UK, my main issue is moving away from my family, my dad died 4 years ago so me my mum and brother are very close, the thought of leaving them hurts. But my fiance is joining the us police force and i have no clue what career path i want so it makes sense for me to move there, dont think he would ever move to the UK purely because of his chosen career. Im terrified of moving, everything ive ever known is here in the UK, he talks about it like its so simple to jus move there and hasnt mentioned my family probably cus he live states away form his own. Everyday i wonder if im doing the right thing, i love him but i feel like im chosing between my family at present and the possibiility of a future family.going to see him in August hoping to clear some light on the problem then, maybe we could compromise somehow. I guess God will show my path at some point

I am in the same boat 🙁 except i have worst problems cause my inlaws hate me more than anything… my husband is from ecuador i am American he hates living in the US I hate Ecuador with passion each time we go on vacation its like hell for me and my mil hates me treats me like dirt and doesn’t accept me in 20 days we are moving to Ecuador to give it a chance and I am so down… we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I am so worried about them each time we go they get sick my 1 year old doesn’t do good with their diapers and their culture is just so different my 3 year old hardly knows Spanish and I don’t know how this is going to end I sometimes think of getting a divorce but I love him so much I just don’t know what to do we’ve been married for 5 years and I don’t want to lose him but I just don’t see this working… I wish I would have seen an article like this 5 years ago 🙁

Sorry to hear about your Ecua-problems! I’m American and my wife is Ecuadorian. We also have 2 kids, ages 14 and 4. Ever since our “shotgun marriage” began in 2000 in Ecuador, it’s been a never ending struggle to decide which country to live in, going on 15 years now. The indecision has driven me crazy for far too long. We lived for three years in Ecuador, where I worked in the cut flower business and did well. But I was tired of it and then we moved to the U.S. for 10 years where my wife hated almost every minute of it. So she went back with the kids 3 years ago while I stayed here, and our marriage has taken a major downslide. I was going to move there, but she basically gave me the cold shoulder during my first visit 2-1/2 years ago. So we decided to get divorced and separated for a year. Then she came back to me after I told her I was dating in the U.S. So we were back together, while I waiting for 8 months for another visit to Ecuador. Now she just gave me the cold shoulder again during my visit a few weeks ago. I was ready to move back to Ecuador (I speak perfect Spanish), and I even got a good job offer there. But I figured why go there if she doesn’t even want me there? I really like Ecuador and I get along with all the people but I think I picked a bad one to marry. My oldest will start college in 3 years and we all think she’ll study here, so I guess I’ll be staying here. My wife and kids will visit here in Chicago for two months starting in July, but I don’t know what that will bring. I have the most complicated marriage that I know of. I hope you are doing well in Ecuador. Mucha suerte!!

P.S. I do see the appeal to Ecuador, but isn’t it crazy that all Ecuadorians hate living in the U.S.???

Dear all of you,
I really realized the truthness and emotion behind all the above post. However, i just need to ask that. Do we think that, everything goes well in the case of marrying in same culture, even in same country, even in same state, even in same district, even marrying to near by home??? I dont understand what is the main reason behind the odds of married life, please look at in general… May be i am confused.. sorry.

I supposed all the 10 reasons does not applied to me 🙂 I have more good reason to marry my husband coz I do not wish to marry my kind hehehehe. With my husband, I can be myself, I know more about me when I am with him. One of the reason is that we live in the Philippines and we go abroad for holidays. On the other hand he does not mind adopting to Philippine culture. I made him eat rice, kangkong, chillies, and made him love tanduay rum and tuba. With the internet you don’t feel like you are disconnected from your family and friends unless they don’t have it and don’t know how to use it. Thanks to facebook, yahoo, cellphone life is getting much easier to adopt.

Wow God bless, that was a really positive comment and I was happy to see that someone is finding the international marriage fun and preferable. It’s seems to be two years since ur post, I would love to know that u are still holding on strong and enjoying, or if u have figured out some difficulties overtime?

Everything you said is absolutely true. There are many joys of marrying a foreigner but it is a commitment unlike marrying someone of your own nationality. When we are young we are unconquerable and believe love can solve everything. But reality is different. And what a younger person does not know is that the older you get , the more you need and desire to have you family, friends, people and traditions around you.

I have lived in a foreign country now for half my life. I am currently separated and have six children , two of them still young and dependent on me. I really would love to go home but I can not. I can not see anymore happiness for me here.

I understand what you’re saying so.well.I too have lived in a foreign country for half my life, me.being from England and living in Mexico. I really find it to be lonely especially as one gets older,it seems the differences in culture seem so much more obvious.It’s been a while since you posted,how are you doing now?y relationship is down the drain and no one I know can help as our differences in culture makes things so hard for them to understand me.I find Mexico to be very different than what is commonly said about them as a culture, once a foreigner,always a foreigner to them even though I speak the language fluently.Anyway, just wanted to see how things were for you and what you had decided to do in the end.I would love to go home but it’s been so long now and unfortunately I allowed my partner to dictate what I could do and not do so after all these years together I find myself in a very difficult situation both emotionally and financially.Hope things worked out for you in the end.Take care.

My son married a German when he was 19, he’s now 30. I cannot count on two hands how many times we have seen him and my granddaughter in all of these years despite his wife stating it would be easy to visit as she worked for airlines. It’s not like I can freely visit, relocate to be closer, or take a road trip to see him. It is heart wrenching and yet bittersweet, knowing that he has built a wonderful life for himself and his family, yet one his sister, nephews and I cannot share. So sad, miss my family.

I am a daughter of an international couple. I never lived in their countries and I was brought up in +5 countries. My grandparents and uncles and aunts have also moved out of our countries, so we never had an anchor back to the countries our passports are from. Maybe we didn’t maintain any old holiday customs, but we made our own, which in my opinion is fantastic. I also speak 5 languages fluently and understand most cultures and I am open-minded to those I have not had the chance to see / be part of yet. Also, I believe home is where your family and friends are, which means I feel at home in at least 6 countries. The only con I can find which is different from the “born and raised in the same place” kids is that I have no idea how to respond the where are you from question.
If you find the love of your life and s/he is a foreigner, go for it! I think the pros beat the cons on this one. One’s nationality shouldn’t stop you from living with the one you love.

All of the reasons are valid and I have experienced many of these. No relationship is easy, but when a relationship with a foreigner transpires this can add a level of complication. Adjusting to social norms, customs, being homesick, and getting to really know each other before taking the plunge is frustrating at times. My GF is from England I am from the U.S. We don’t want to get married, but it is very difficult for her to work or stay in the U.S. We have been doing the 90 day visitors VISA…. But this can’t continue long term. Although being with her is very alluring, it has caused a lot of sadness because of the limitations. My fear is this will be too overwhelming to even allow us a fair chance as making the core relationship successful. We love each other, but this is a big burden to bare. It is unfortunate that at times no matter how much you love someone obstacles beyond the love and relationship make it nearly impossible to know if you have met the love of your life.

I definitely agree with all the points mentioned here. I am mexican and my husband is english. My husband moved to Mexico before we got married and he lived there for 5 years. He used to go back to England every year for about a month or more while living in Mexico (we were not married then). We married after our first son was born and we moved to the US. So far I have found this to be a good middle place to be – not my home country, not his. It is close to Mexico and not as far from England. In regards to the holidays, it is easy for our families to visit us so we don’t have to spend all our money in travelling abroad. However I have found that this particular point can also be a bit of a problem if you don’t get along well with your spouse’s family or if your spouse cannot cut the apron strings (which is worse). In my case, his parents have stayed with us twice, for 2 weeks long every time. His parents are quite stubborn. His dad drinks a lot and moans about everything and somehow my husband feels like it is our duty to listen to everything he says. His mother takes over the house and sorts out things the way she thinks best, and she is quite nosey about our personal finances and decisions. So as you can imagine, having them over for 2 straight weeks is not the most joyful of experiences for me. Anyway, my point is that the visiting point can be quite a struggle. If you ask me, I’d rather get hit by lightning than have them over again.

I am Australian and am married to an Algerian. We met and married in Australia where he was a refugee. We lived there for 10 1/2 years and had 9 children. Eighteen months ago we moved to Algeria to live. We were happy in Australia but the plan was always to come here to live. So when we had everything sorted we moved here permenantly.
It has been a real struggle for the kids and I and my husband is no so supportive of the emotional needs that we have had. He listens to his family over me all the time and I feel constantly inadequate and as an outsider. I have found that my husband really adds to this especially when we argue and he tells me he will put me on a plane back to Australia.

I can understand how you feel. I think that the culture there in Algeria would be quite like my husband’s in Morocco. We live in the U.S., and will probably never move to Morocco, but I can see that the family dynamics would be very powerful because they come first for them, and your husband is compelled to always do what he is asked of them. Even when I was in Morocco for a summer, my husband had to go and help his cousins to get married, etc. The feeling is that you can’t turn down when someone asks you for help or for anything. It is part of their way of being.

I thought this was great. It helps reading different inputs. My situation- I’m American and my fiancé is a US citizen but was born in the Middle East. He lives here but his parents are overseas. I’m Christian, he’s Muslim. We have been together 5 years and are getting married very soon. We have certainly had our ups and downs with everything mentioned (even where we will be buried). He’s my best friend and I love him dearly. Our biggest problem is the difference in religion and his family living so far away. At one point we actually ended our engagement because of our differences. Now, two years later we are back on track but it wasn’t easy at all. For a long time it was living hell.
Now the every day problem is I see how sad my fiancé is that his family is so far away. He worries every day that something will happen to them. I know part of him wants to move back there. I’m stuck wondering. Is it worth potentially messing up both our lives maybe even our future kids lives? Part of me knows without a doubt that we could be perfect and happy… But the other part of me knows there’s a chance we could fall apart. The whole situation is scary. I would like to believe that no matter what obstacles are ahead we will work them out as a team… But i know it may not always be possible. Is there anyone else in a similar situation?

Hi i just read your article now and it really hit me. My husband is a japanese while i am filipino. Just got merried last december and i moved to his country last march. Right now i am not happy! So many differences! I mean i am the happiest person to marry him but please, differences killing me. I am now suffering from home sick, i want to see my family, i want to talk in my language and i also want to be the same independent woman before! those days are gone. We don’t even talk in our language. We use english in conversation. Right now, i am on my effort to learn his language so at least there is no barrier. Thanks for the collumn. I’m not alone! 🙂

Interesting to read these comments. i am English my husband Turkish Cypriot. We have been together 39 years. Our marriage has been like the ocean…somedays calm somedays crashing waves. Different cultures and different religions can add a spark to life. That spark can also ignite so easily into a raging furnace.
We have been in Cyprus for the past nine years. Husband happy here, I hate being so far from my daughter and grandchildren in England. One partner will always be homesick.
We made a hard choice when we married, we have survived . It depends how much you are willing to put into a marriage, and how much you expect to get out of it. I wish you all strength and perseverence , because you are going to need it.

I am a Korean from Kazakhstan and my boyfriend (the love of my life) is a Korean from the Netherlands (a complete banana).
Ever since I was little i felt like i didn’t belong in my country, I was annoyed by the mentality and the people. Not that it was bad but it was just not my thing. I always believed that I will leave the country and that my future husband would be a foreigner. At the age of 18 I went to my historical land, which is Korea for the first time and it happened that I met my boyfriend. Both of us came to learn more about our roots and history. Race or culture was never an issue for me, but once I got older I started to realise that it is better to marry someone who is close to your mentality and at the same time I still wanted to meet a foreigner. And somehow I ended up with a foreigner like I always wanted and who is also a Korean. It feels weird that we both have the same heritage and at the same time we are from two completely different cultures and we speak different languages, our mentality and way of thinking is sometimes so opposite and I still feel that he is my soulmate and that no one in the world could be a better match for me. It is amazing how we are so different yet so perfect for each other. It unbelievable how destiny can bring two people together who are just right for each other.

Absolutely ridiculous “reasons”. I would give up everything I have here in order to spend my life with the man I love. There is no conflict other than the acceptance or betrayal he may cause with his own family. And I completely understand if I am not great enough for that kind of loss.

Hello
Im filipina and my boyfriend is canadian. We live together 6 years already, within that years we always fight about cultural differences, especially helping out my parents or family. For me it is really important for me to help my parents, its hurt me a lot everytime his saying something that why parents cant help their self. Which is he dont understand that i am just paying back my parents what theyve done to me when i was a little kids until we grown up..when we are a kids my parents suffer a lot to help my sibling and i to go to school. Of course as their child, i cant watch them and just sit if they need financial help.its not like i give all my income to my parents. I am contented to give them enough that they can eat 3x a day. I always explained that to him but he will never understand. And thats makes me feel alone and homesick when he argue that to me…what can i do am i wrong or selfish.

You are neither wrong, nor selfish. It is a major cultural difference. Know and handle it as such. I’m Indian and I feel the same way when it comes to helping my mom out. Thank God my husband (Austrian) truly listens and has an open mind and accepting.. that hopefully will happen to you eventually.. stay strong, there is nothing wrong to feel the way you do. I’ll say a step further: it is a true “value” in the context of morals and values to care for your old. Its speaks for your character.

What utterly rude tripe. I’ve heard this from foreign care givers resentful (probably) of their own situations being unable to care for their own in another country. In my experience of being a professional caregiver & my extebded family, elders in the UK are wealthier & live longer in their own homes/independently AS THEY WISH or even the entire family relocates to housing adult children & infirm adults. Also, in my experience, elders in care homes cannot be safeky cared for by local family due to dementia & are not abandoned. Another historical reason, many children of less well off familiy emigrated during 50-60-70s., leaving their parents here. Much like ecinomic migrants may end up doing , who work in UK nursing homes. Pure resentment.

When we are young and or in love, we may feel we can accept or tolerate many things. As we become older and more mature we often go back to our roots and or our goals maybe different. Being in an international marriage and different religions I find as I get older it becomes more difficult and the excitement of traveling and differences becomes unbearable.
In some cases it may work beautifully in many cases it is extremely difficult. Especially if it is a westerner Christian and middle easterner Muslim. I remember reading all the warning articles like this 🙂 but thought I can do it or he is different. Wish I would have chosen a different path. It only gets harder.

Hi,
This is very interesting topic. It really hits me hard. I am from SE Asian and my husband is British. We have been together 13ish years (marriage 11 years) and lives in his country.
My husband is very good man ( kind, honest, intelligent and love me very much) . We both have good jobs and nice house. Seems perfect ,right? I should be very happy!

But the reality I feel so frustrated, I feel lost,I fed up with people/environment. It used to be once in a while and now it is getting worst.

My job is well paid IT which I really hate. It a pain everyday to think about to go to work. However, I have managed about 10 years now. I can’t quit as I don’t want to sit down at home and see my husband work hard to earn money for us.I always think if i am in my country I can chose to do the job that at least I have a feeling for it. There are so many choices and opportunities. I am used to be career woman in my country but not anymore as I don’t see the point here.People in my company are nice enough but few of them just made bad joke about my accent and pronunciations. It is not a big deal but can be really annoying if you hear that often. I don’t think it is a racism but I don’t think I can be promoted in the next level because I am Asian and less presentable than British or European esp in the small branch of 200 people and have only 5 Asians. if I am in my country, this won’t happen. I work hard and work well with people, I have 2 MA degrees from U.K. and Germany, 16 years work experience, fluent in 2 foreign languages…

Work is one thing but it not really cause me this upset ( I kind of accept it in some level as my husband is worth for me to be patience or give up career) but I just feel out of place, feel lost,feel trap in this environment. I don’t feel I belong to this country sometime. I communicate with my friends, my husband and his family well in English but sometime we don’t really understand each other’s – it is not about the language barrier it is more about culture, background ….

As an Asian woman, I have more freedom here but I have to learn how to be patience and fight with my pride and ego.i hate so much when people ( who are not close to me or know me well )say I am so lucky here to marry English guy and live here because they think woman in my country are all poor and uneducated. So it is like winning a lotto to be here. It really hurt my pride as I come from nice and well respect family. No one won’t say that to me in my country.

To be honest, if it is not because of my husband I left this country long time ago.i never tell this to my husband as it is not fair for him to feel guilty about it.

My boyfriend and I do not even (fluently) speak the same language. He speaks French and pretty basic English, and I speak no French at all. Sometimes I catch myself talking in some sort of 3 year old broken English language to him and wonder if this is even good for my mental health or sanity, haha, but I do love him. We met and live in a country different to both of our homelands, but we won’t live here forever – he’s here for temporary work and I have no real plan. I think it’s a really big decision to make to marry anybody – the cross-cultural aspect becomes another thing to contemplate, but not the main thing. If you marry someone knowing things you dislike about them and hoping they will change once you sign some papers and put a ring on it – you will hate your life eventually regardless of whether you share a cultural background or not because it’s unlikely that person will magically change. Essentially, the point should really be to marry because you’re compatible, not because of nationality and not because you hope annoying habits or irritating things your partner does will improve once you seal the deal.

I can totally relate to this post, life/marriage to a foreigner is not a bowl of cherries, but I wouldn’t change the choice I made.

I am English, I had two failed marriages to English women, and after retiring following 30 years in the Police, I was living in Spain, I was very happy, with the one exception, I didn’t like living alone, and my search began, I think I covered most of Europe, and then met my wife on a Marriage Introduction Site… I know, many say, how sad, can’t he meet someone in a Cafe, Club, etc. but when you live in a small community in the mountains of southern Spain, it is not that easy, even I was concerned that maybe this wasn’t the way to go.

After a number of false starts, I decided I would join one last site, if that didn’t work, I would resign myself to as life alone. Within half an hour of joining, I had a message from my, now wife, I nearly ignored it, because I was fifty four, and she was thirty two, that age difference concerned me.

However I decided to make contact and see what happened, she was from Colombia, black, had a good job, close to her family, with no wish to move. I on the other hand, was white, a pensioner, albeit a young one, living alone, with no ties, but happy where I was.

We talked night and day on Skype video, for three months, before I came to Colombia to visit her, we clicked straight away, I returned to Spain, sold up my life’s possessions, put my house on the market, and headed back to Colombia, where six weeks later we were married, after a six month relationship.

After two and a half years, do I regret that decision? no, not for one minute, but it hasn’t been easy, I will always be a foreigner, I will never be totally accepted, and we get a lot of strange looks, which my Wife notices more than me, because it is unusual for a white man here to have a black wife… a plaything, a housekeeper, but not a wife, that side of it doesn’t bother me, because what others think is for them.

One thing that really bugs me, is when I go out shopping to shops I have used before, they try it on, one price for Gringos another for locals, I let my Wife take the lead, and I try to stay out of sight until she has a price to play with, then I appear. I find this a challenge, because until then, I had always been in command of my own life, now my wife deals with much of the day to day dealings with locals, it is the only way if I don’t want to go bankrupt.

I find that Colombians do not have the patience to listen, they hear someone talking Spanish with a foreign accent, and switch off, and talk instead to my Wife, this infuriates me, and does lead to a feeling of isolation, my Colombian family have adapted, and talk slower, taking the time to listen, but unlike in Spain, where I had many Spanish friends, here I have none, it is just as well I am happy with my relationship, or my own company.

Cultural differences, are a problem at times, I can totally relate to the comments made, we have our ding dongs, especially when one of us is at a low ebb, but it doesn’t usually last long, even after two and a half years we are finding out new things about each other daily.

My Wife can speak American English very well, and understands it even better, but she rarely uses it, only through a lack of confidence, so we speak Spanish as a matter of routine. I am not fluent by any means, and Spanish in Colombia is different from Spanish in Spain, in the same way that English in England is different from American English, so I have had a number of adjustments to make.

Do I miss family and friends back in Europe? I only have a few family members surviving, and we keep in touch by phone or video link, I didn’t see much of them when I lived in Spain, as for friends, I only had a small circle of close friends, with whom, I still keep in touch, so the answer has to be no. We recently made a trip back to the UK for my Wife to meet my family, and close friends, but it will not be a regular jaunt.

As for children, we are still trying, and if we are lucky enough to have one or two, then they will be brought up multi-lingual, they will make their own decisions as to where they want to live, as they will have the added option of British Citizenship if they want it, we will ensure they have as many opportunities as we can give them.

As for me, whatever happens in the future, my life is now in Colombia, we both work hard to make our relationship a stable and happy one, despite the difficulties, I wouldn’t change the decisions I have made, and I will live with that.

Cheers and good luck! As a venezuelan oil brat who spent the first 14 years of his life in Venezuela before Anglican boarding school in Quebec and over 30 years living in Canada, I experience some of the same frustrations you do, down here in Argentina. And I am fully bilingual. For me, perhaps like you, it’s not really a trade-off, it’s more a new beginning that the woman of my dreams – she’s Argentine and we met at a scrabble site online – has made possilbe for me. I can get frustrated at aspects of Argentine life, but so do Argentinos, and I know the country’s history and politics well and knew what to expect before moving here. But of course people will talk to her in a different way, I don’t have the same shared cultural experiences as others have mentioned, and I do have an accent after all those years in Canada. And by the way, I find Colombian accents impenetrable when I get I have to deal with a call centre in Colombia, and I grew up a couple of hour’s drive from the border! So, this localism is part of Latin American culture, and there are an e-nor-mous variety of dialects and accents across the continent.

In other words, I get frustrated all the time, but I know full well it’s part of adapting. At my age, family and friends in Canada have drifted away, or passed away, and we’re grateful that my mother could visit us once a few years ago and that my brother can fly down from Canada every once in a while. Her family down here is, as they say of Mexican soap operas, “un culebron”, and so we’re our own family with our 4 year old and her daugther. We think of moving to Canada every so often given the (latest) economic crisis, but despite some of the frustrations, I am a happier man down here with my wife and son. And that’s the bottom line. So best of luck.

I stumbled across this well written article after I googled “should I stay with my Dutch husband” needless to say I was feeling a bit unsure about our current relationship/ situation. We currently both live in America but he is originally from Holland and well even though I was born here, most of my family is from Mexico. These 10 reasons all have valid points that I will not deny I have felt at one moment in time. While we do not have kids at the moment, I often worry when we do where they will be raised and which language they would consider their first, second or third. I’m in no way disagreeing or disputing this article but I am here to show the benefits , blessings and advantages of marrying a foreigner. At times we do feel we are both far from our families but this in turn only makes our bond for each other stronger, reminds us every day we are each others family, while others call, run to their family for help, we simply run to each others arms knowing there is no one else “physically” near to help but each other. It’s a tiny family of two but it’s a family we love being in. Instead of losing holidays, we embrace both, he taught me about Sinterklaas,put carrots in my shoes and I in return taught him about dia de la rosca, dia de los muertos and bought him his first piñata to hit on his birthday. While we do have our fair share of cultural misunderstandings especially coming from a very macho male and ultra masculine culture and him being a bit reticent it brings forth a bit of arguments, but at the end of the day every couple has misunderstandings. I for one am happy our misunderstandings come from unawareness of each others cultures rather than awareness of each others cultures and just being inconsiderate about them and the person. What if we were to divorce? Well in this day and age divorce is not an uncommon thing but I prefer to never think about that option with my foreigner, call me helpless romantic if you may. Learning the language (Dutch) has been somewhat difficult for me and don’t even get me started on the pronunciation! But if it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I’d ever be trying to learn a third language. I cant imagine the great advantage and opportunities our kids would get for being trilingual! English is among the top most common languages around the world, so I am lucky that whenever I visit Holland there isn’t much of a problem. Now being with a foreigner does take a lot of work, dare I say it?, more work than a normal relationship? We had to face complications that are out of the norm for other relationships like pending resident status, hiring a lawyer, interviews, money put into these things and so forth. But these thing just gave me more knowledge of the world. At times he does feel or say he doesn’t feel a home, then I tell him honey, some people who were born and lived here still don’t feel at home. What is home? Where is home? and in the end we gaze in each others eyes and realize home is with each other, no matter what country, state or place we’re at, my home is in his heart. While our vacations do consist of going to visit his parents in Holland, I often thank him and feel blessed because had this man not entered my life doubt I’d be vacationing in a foreign country. He introduced me to another country, culture, and language. Had I ever had to choose between visiting the 50 states, where there’s a Starbucks on ever corner, English is the main language, and everyone tries to look the same, I’d pick visiting a foreign country any day. The flights are expensive but we budget and try to save money else where, anyone can give up on take outs, dining out so often, or buying those expensive shoes when you know the real worth of these sacrifices. While grandparents may be away, one is still blessed to still have and know their grandparents, know their voice via phone calls, or their face thru Skype as I have not been fortunate to know either of my grandpas due to them dying at an early age. Like I said in the beginning this rather long comment which has now probably become an article is not to dispute with the 10 reasons why you should not marry a foreigner but to remind with every 10 reasons, I’m sure you can also find 100 reasons on why you should. I agree with the author saying in the end I would trade it for the world, because I know I wouldn’t.

I feel that modern society values the initial phase of attraction and passion too highly. I think when girls are dating guys, they should be pragmatic and think long-term, asking themselves the following questions:
–Can this guy mix well with my family?
–Would his family be open and accepting to me?
–Are we going to have problems raising our kids with different religions?

Although people might put girls on blast for thinking like this/being too traditional, we do have a short peak time (like 22-30), and if we waste it on the wrong guys, we are left with an even smaller pool to choose from when we are done. As you can see in the previous posts, many women know their husbands are wrong for them, but they are far from their families and saddled with kids. So, they are stuck for life.

Having your own family around provides a great emotional support. If you need last minute babysitting, or want to hang out with your mom and children, it’s easy to do so. The family in the background also indirectly makes a man think “ok I better not mess up, she has her clan behind her.”

Although arranged marriages are retarded for the most part, and I don’t want one at all, I do like that people are realistic at what they want from married life and think about it before jumping into dating relationships that can easily lead to being stuck with a kid and wrong man.

Love your realistic point of view!! Don’t know from where you are, but I know exactly what you mean! I’m married to an Austrian but come from, yes, the one and only country that does arranged marriages, India, and hence all 5 of my siblings are in arranged marriages. And you hit the nail right on the head when you say “ok I better not mess up….” because yes, it does make a difference. And yes the expectation is set and your every move is watched at last in the initial years.. not to say there are no failed marriages there are a lot of miserable ones.. but at least there is not much of anger but acceptance.. and hence children don’t suffer as much as in the west..

I do not agree with these , because that is how i felt initially with my English partner. Then with time I put more faith in who I am as a person. It helped me to accept new things and now i am used to them as a way of life. I always wanted and strongly believed a marriage is that agreement between two fully grown adults that allows them to trust and accept the other half completely, even if it is annoying to some degree. It is not about who keeps us on our toes but feeling the most comfortable, and at peace. The in laws does play some role and might cause some turbulence on the surface from time to time but, that can’t shake things to cause tsunamis. In my opinion. For me the approach of dating a foreign guy depends on who you marry, If you love him/her, how much both of you are willing to accept change. If you are a strong, non judgmental person, with an open mind, how rigidly religious both of you are, family with understanding parents. It highly depends on who you are when it comes to having issues with a foreign husband. If you have compromised your true nature and values to be with some one in marriage, no number of in laws and their sweet talks can reassure you when you feel unhappy inside and resent your spouse for it.

HI All
Just to comment on my experience, I am Irish and my husband is Argentinian. We met in the US and first lived there together and then in Saudi Arabia and then returned to the US before finally deciding to move to Argentina.
We had experienced many of the things on the list but it was all fun learning about each other and sharing experiences while we were both the foreigner in whatever country we were in.
The problems for us really started when we moved to Argentina. At the time moving to Argentina seemed to be the best option as we both missed being so far away from family now that we had 2 kids. Also moving to ireland was not much of an option at the time as my husband made it clear that he did not want to the study involved in getting his degree recognized in Ireland. I was also confident I could make it work (hell it had all worked out in the other countries!).
It wash’t long before I realized that I did not like my adopted country, the differences in culture were much more marked than I had realized from my previous visits. I frequently found myself feeling very alone and isolated and although my husband said he understood I could see that he was delighted to be back home.
WE are still in Argentina and I am heavily weighting the decision as to whether I should leave the country and him. I am seriously unhappy here and end up frequently crying and depressed and it is not always possible to hide that from the kids (now 3 in total). While he says he will leave I do not see him making and preparations to do so. I think he secretly hopes that if he can keep me here long enough I will adapt. This is having a very serious effect on our marriage as I am beginning to see him as the enemy that is forcing me to stay when I desperately want to leave.

Siobahn, I know this probably doesn’t help your pain right now, but one can view Argentina’s last 150 years of history as European immigrants regreting having moved down here. This should be a wonderful country, but it has it’s idiosyncracies, to put it politely, and tends to evoke a love-hate relationship, even with native born Argentines. Then there are those who simply don’t like the country, which may be your case, and that is another matter. I hope somehow you can work it out, especially for your children’s sake, but for your own peace of mind as well. And that would mean your husband understanding that your living down here seems not to be an option.

Unfortunately, the three kids are probably fully Argentine at heart so it’s in their interest to stay there….the father is happy there….so it is hard to justify uprooting four happy people for one unhappy person. That is the thing that sucks most about marriage and kids—you become part of a unit, and it is very hard to do things with only your own preferences in mind. I would try to find an Irish expat group in your city, so you can at least feel at home culturally for a while, and also take a trip back home, even if it’s alone, so you can have a chance to think clearly. Who knows, you may even miss Argentina.

I’m an American woman married to a Japanese man. We have been married only 6 months, no kids, now things are great but I think kids will make it more complicated. We have an ongoing conversation about how to raise them and which country would be better for them, and where to live when we retire, and how to take care of our aging parents, etc. I think couples in the same country and culture deal with the same things, but crossing borders and visa issues add another dimension of “things that could go wrong.” I agree with the points in this article that you have make big sacrifices of country and extended family. It’s not something to go into lightly, but that’s true for all marriages. We have many things going for us, a shared faith and family values, the big-hearted acceptance and support of both our in-laws, and the fact that we both grew up rather rootless in families that moved a lot, so we accept living in different places and far from extended family as normal part of life. I would say look for those three things in yourself and your partner if you are considering international marriage.

And these days, we can be thankful for modern technology! Skype calls are so cheap and there are so many ways to share your life and connect with overseas friends and family online. It’s not as good as face to face of course but it’s better than waiting for letters or using an expensive calling card for a poor-quality phone call!

Hi, very true. I think my marriage was doomed the moment family and friends found out. Few were against it and even after getting married their judgment and spoken word made it harder. Two cultures can be a wonderful thing in so many ways but very fifficult to maintain. My husband is Nigerian and his way or even values bring at times unrealistic expectations. He is so good with the kids, very considerate and helpful although his expectations and even actions is contrary to being in Australia. I havn’t been the best of wives when he does things and tells me back in Nigeria it is ok I often remind him he’s not back there and that some of the things he does is not done here.

I am disagree with this post I think every thing has some benefits and some problems depend on how we look at them and how we face them. Nothing be perfect I will give you some reasons base on my marriage experience why this kind of marriage could be good for people. I married with foreigner we are so happy 🙂 🙂

1. Each culture has some powers and weakness. We can learn so much from other cultures and improve our self.

2. Our children can be more wisdom and open minded about world and less racism or stubborn.

3. Some kind of words in our language are cliches, they are mistake believes but other languages don’t have these cliches and we have chance to speak about our self better without cliches words. Between all people miss understanding is normal .If you don’t want misunderstanding, by passing time you will be match if you are not selfish. You have more chance to be yourself by explain not only common words or cliches ideas about relationship.

4. You can make different travels and learning by your partner very deep about other country and atmosphere.

5. Family are important but not every thing we have . a couple is more healthy to have their own friends and join to different organizations and visit family some times not depend on them so much .

6. Parents could not make so many problem in their children marriage when they are so far especially if they have enough respect from children.

7. Having different traditional ceremonies make more fun for life because instead of one new year you have two new year some times or different celebrations.

8. If there is some cultural miss understanding partners can speak about it and it is helpful because we can understand. It let us to understand our culture and some positive and negative points we have because of our culture .

9. For having unique child is good chance become they come from different genes and we have more chance for make healthy babies with different talent.

10. You and your children will have more job opportunities because you know about two countries very well and you can assist each other. If you are artists, business people, cultural activist between two countries, translator, researcher . writer, reporter, photographer, and ….
This is more fun than you can imagine.

11. judgment about you is less because your partner’s family face with different and new stories and if they are open mine people, it gives you more chance to introduce yourself as you like and you are.

12. You can know two languages perfect.

13. You will understand about politics of different countries and you have bunch of different and new topics for speaking together.

There are so many benefit but you need to be positive, in love, care and respect other people as your culture and country. You should not be very high religious, flexible , brave and adventurer, Interest to learn and teach. If you have all features you are so lucky because you have two worlds and so many new experience and people in your life. If you don’t have these features in medium to high level your marriage will be on risky situation and full of problems.
Good Luck

What a lucid and thoughtful comment on inter-cultural relationships, Maryam. Pretty much sums up my views on the subject.

IMHO, the perspective of this article is a bit narrow, and fails to accomplish what is intended to. I don’t get why people love to make a big deal out of nothing. Moreover, not everyone is religious, or attached to traditions. As an agnostic myself, things like burial are not even relevant to me, then cremation is even cheaper in most places. Throughout history people have moved from place to place for various reasons, then things are a lot easier now than they used to. While family is important, it is not everything we have, I must agree on that.

Language barriers? The author’s argument doesn’t really hold much water, pretty anyone of average intelligence will eventually pick up the language by talking to the locals, that’s actually the best way of learning it. I am multilingual myself, and I’ve learned by practice, self-taught basically. Concerning the nuances of language, even among regions that share the same language there will be subtleties, dialects… and people may end up resorting to more standardized forms of language at times You are right, some words are just cliches, colloquialisms, idioms… and while those may embellish your speech making you sound more like a native, you don’t need to know how to use them to communicate. Over time, part of your passive vocabulary will eventually become active, but that’s secondary.

I have plenty of reasons to choose a foreigner over a local. I’ve always felt like I don’t belong to the place where I was born. I live in a high-context culture, but frankly I don’t really like the mindset here. One of my biggest pet peeves is that most folks here don’t seem to know what personal space is. The people I identify myself the most with are actually from low-context cultures (e.g. North America). Not saying I totally agree with Hall’s theory of high-and low-context culture, as it’s too general, but I believe it’s still valid to assess individual differences, so I’m using it as parameter.

I’m an INTP—for those who know what this means. I’ve actually found a person who happens to share the same views as me, and guess what… the person lives overseas. Am I going to change my opinion because of this article? By the contrary, many comments here, including yours, only reinforce my positive view of international relationships.

I have previously commented, but felt the need to come back again!
I think what all the comments here tell us, is that such a relationship will work for some, and not for others. You have to be flexible, otherwise the relationship is doomed from the outset, one of you is going to have to make some serious changes to your life, whether it be religion, culture, or just everyday life.

As I said previously, I had two failed marriages to women from my own Country (England), so in itself that is no guarantee of success, you have to work hard to make any relationship a success. A relationship is two people, not family, not friends, they just have a supporting role, therefore both people have to realise that there will be big differences where compromise will be demanded, and the important word here is ‘compromise’, because becoming subservient will lead to a feeling of hostility. This is something I have had to tackle, because to make me ‘happy’, my wife at times just gave in, I realised that this was what she was doing and we talked, I told her that she is a woman with her own feelings, and whether I like them or not, I want to hear the truth, not what she thinks I want to hear, Only by talking, and more importantly listening, will the relationship work.

I came to Colombia, having already spoken and seen to my Wife’s family on skype, they welcomed me, but did not accept me, until they realised that our relationship was serious, then their attitude towards me changed, I am still an outsider, but in many ways that is fine, they don’t try to run my life.

Religion is not an issue, I am atheist, my wife and her family are Protestant, despite being in a predominantly Catholic country, I have told my wife, that I respect her beliefs, and as long as she respects mine, then it will never be an issue, if and when we have children, I am happy for her to decide on the religious approach, as long as they have the choice later, on which religious route if any, they wish to take. I do not believe in indoctrination, guidance should be given and then self choice.

I have always been a man who made his own decisions, and then stuck by them, in the nearly three years that I have been here, this is something I have had to compromise on to a great extent, and has been something that has caused more than one arguement between us, however when I have sat back and thought about it, my Wife has only been worried about my security, in a country where Foreigners are more vulnerable as targets of crime, even though as a retired Policeman, I pride myself on being very aware of my surroundings. I try hard to accept this effort to protect me, because it is done with love.

Until I moved to Colombia, my wife had lived in the family home for all of her 32 years, so she is extremely close to her family, the culture is one of music and partying, and I have to admit, it does drive me mad at times, but I never try to stop my wife continuing her involvement in those festivities, I go to the main events to keep everyone happy, but I am not a party animal, I trust and have complete confidence in my wife, therefore I am happy for her to go off with family or friends and let her hair down, it gives us both some space, and I am more than happy to see her on her return.

I know I have rambled on a while, but what I am trying to say, is to avoid difficulties in any relationship, to a foreigner or otherwise, you to have to be prepared to talk, and to listen, if you are not, then prepare yourself for an unhappy or lonely life.

Excellent post. I didn’t think of some of the points that were made. I am an American currently dating a Swiss woman and I am very surprised by the dramatic cultural differences. We approach life in different ways. We express ourselves very differently. She is very much to the point about everything, whereas I tend to talk around things and soften them. She seems harsh to me at times. She gets frustrated with me because she feels she can’t get a straight answer. Marriage is difficult enough without all of these cultural differences on top, right? Having said that, it can also be an adventure if one is up to the challenge. We’re older and children are out of the picture. She has a lot of great qualities and I am trying to adapt, as is she. She speaks fluent English. I am learning German and having lots of fun doing it. We both love to travel. She is good for me in a lot of ways and I hope I am for her too. One thing for sure is I will not rush into anything. Before I get married, I would want us to successfully live together for several years. That will be the test.

I’ve read this post and your comments and it seems that like in any other relationship\marriage it all depends. I don’t think that ethnicity plays major role, if your characters match, you share common interests and love and respect each other.
My husband is Israeli (partly German\Russian\Georgian\Jewish) and I was born in Serbia (also with mixed ancestry). He is atheist, though both of his parents are Jews and I am Christian Orthodox, he has dark hair, my natural hair color is blonde.. etc . You see, it actually sounds ridiculous. And it never mattered. He is probably the best, warmest and sweetest person I’ve ever met. He understands me and gives that extra sense to my life. I married very young, in fact I am still pretty young, we date 2 years prior to our marriage, met by accident on some forum, then used FB and Skype, get to know each other, became great friends, fell in love. And distant relationships are not easy. So I decided to move to Israel , which is harder than to move to most of the countries. They are strict, I won’t dare say racist but they will politely let you know you should be lucky to live here if you are not Jewish (though lot of Russians who have one distant Jewish relative or who forged papers live here too) but mostly they will respect your marriage and right to have domestic life. Imagine this, my husband is finishing his Master studies, I left my university , family, friends, “better life” and we are currently living with his parents. With each other we speak English, with his parents I mainly use Russian and I am learning Hebrew. Yes I miss my family and friends but I am happy to be with my husband, I also have a family here now and even met some awesome people, few of them became my good friends. I talk with my family every other day, write to my mother and my friends every day, no matter how tired I am, we send each other gifts and we are planing on visiting them this winter. So when I came here I had two choices, to accept that I chose where I want to be and act as an adult or to fall into depression and cry over my “unfair destiny” . Former me would probably do the second thing but “new me” aka me who gained lot of positive futures and grew a lot thanks to a relationship I have with my husband decided to see this as a great adventure. Israel is full of immigrants , great food, sea, history, I love their customs and it is interesting for me to learn about everyday life and people. +Sometimes, like now Israel gets into conflicts with Hamas, Hezbollah or such. So sirens don’t help you feel better but this men and women are strong and they deal with it so good, it amazes me. My husband, at other hand loves Serbia, nature, people, food, I often cook some Serbian food upon his request, he even learned decent amount of Serbian, he keeps in touch with my family, etc.
We respect each others culture and tradition. Of course having kids won’t be easy but it wouldn’t be easy even if I married in Serbia. We decided that we will give our best to give them love, support and education , rest is on them.
As I said before, we are both still very young , I can not say that in 10 or 20 years I will feel the same and think the same but currently I am and it is fine.
New language and educational system here is challenging , I won’t be able to work for a year or two more, but we are managing.
Sometimes I get nostalgic or tired but then I asked myself where would I be with out my husband and I remember how I missed him when we were apart. We spent more than 8 months apart after we got married because of procedural reasons, so I learned to cherish and love every little moment, kiss or touch.
Hopefully we will stay strong and in love, but if you want to be happy and achieve something in life in general you have to be strong.
P.S. We celebrate all holidays, my husband said “we can celebrate Hindu and Muslim too as long as there is good food” and hopefully our children will enjoy this experience as well.
Wish you all lots of luck and love!
Love is worth of trying and for sure worth of a sacrifice !

Update to post from March 9, 2014 at 2:01 pm (Ian). OK, so here we are.. My wife is going to leave me tomorrow. Baby-girl will be one year old. And my heart is broken in milion pieces. Guys, my final advice: Make sure, that partner has strong personality and doesn´t have just pink glasses on. If you see any weekness like unreasonable jelousy, if You ever feel in your relation in doubt, be sure to end it as soon as possible. Or be stupid like me with hopes, that next day She will be better – be sure that it is going to end in worst drama you have never could imagine. 10 years wasted and what is worst, will not be able to even see, how my beloved girl grows.

Hi all, this has been very interesting reading. I’m British and married to a Kiwi, living in NZ as we met here when I was travelling. Been married 10 months, together for 4 years. I’ve also experienced many things on the list – I was terribly homesick for the first 6 months living here, I still miss my family and friends. We manage to have holidays to other places as well as some to the UK – but we’re very lucky there, because it is very expensive and certainly not affordable for everyone. Had a pretty hard time two years ago as my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, and it was very hard not to be able to visit her and hug her (I had one trip home, but couldn’t afford more). I cried in the bathroom at work a lot!! I had a bit of a melt down yesterday, because a woman at work lost her husband, he had a heart attack out of the blue. It’s absolutely awful, and left me wondering – if something like that happened, what would I do? I feel like you’d need your family around you… but would I want to uproot myself in the middle of such grief and go back to the UK? I know it’s a somewhat odd thing to be considering, and hopefully unlikely… but it is a different thing that you have to consider when you live so far from home. Anyway, the easy thing for us is that New Zealand is actually pretty similar to the UK, so not that many cultural differences and barely any language ones. Although I do find hot Christmases quite strange and not very festive. We’re planning a UK Christmas in 2016. Overall, I do feel lucky – for me I met the love of my life, we are just the happiest we could ever be. There was really no option but to be together. And, he’s happy to consider living in the UK at some point, which I think we will need to do – I really just want my family to have the chance to get to know him. We’re planning to try for kids next year, and that is a bit hard, knowing they will grow up not seeing much of my family. But still, you never know, we may move there with them at some point.

Good luck to everyone who has posted about the difficulties they’re experiencing.

Interesting website and article. A lot of wonderful responses! KDKPRUS’s perspective from the child of the multicultural marriage – is so wonderful!

Me (Indian), husband (Austrian) in a 3rd country US with 3 children 11,9 & 7.. I’m 42, spent 21 years equally in India and the US (is it equal because my first half was India and the years in US was starting as a young adult) Just with every marriage, there are complications with anything and everything! The good? I couldn’t imagine a better guy even if I looked for the world over! I was over-the-moon excited that my doors were open to a 3rd continent! And culture! And language! Totally exciting!!
The down? No grandparents nearby. No relatives for the holidays, the first-holy communions.. almost every holiday and special even, I at least shed one tear missing extended family — I believe though that this is very personal. Not everybody feels the same way about *needing* extended family. I was one of 6 children, and 4 girls which means I was used to people around me all the time and that certainly influenced the way I “perceived life – surrounded by family”..
Just about EVERYTHING else, one can get used to, just like in any marriage.. as i say earlier, along with the super exciting experiences (friends would comment “wow you’re going to Austria and you have family there!” I think to myself, I will never be rich because I have to save $7000 whether we fly to India or Austria! And miss the families the rest of the time.. like when I see other grandparents showing up at recitals; when my children’s friends go to their grandma’s for Easter/thanksgiving/christmas, etc)
After years of wishing and missing, we have decided to move close to one family – Austria (after a toss up)! That’s why I laughed at this article! Life is so relative! i feel I will be gaining SO MUCH by having even 1 side of the family closeby! My children will finally have an Oma/Opa they could hug, yes hug, on regular basis.. not once in 5 years or so. Yes, skype is over-rated.. children need extended family. Period. In order to feel close to that extended family, they need to know the language, thoroughly. Period.
I am glad we are moving to my husband’s country after we’ve been together for 14 years – at least our family life and routines are established. Being an immigrant is never easy. But I know, my husband will be the first to understand when I feel an immigrant in yet another land.. I tell myself, it can only be better! When I came here, I had nobody, yep, NOBODY! No friends, no family. Since my basic need in life is people, I think I already have a good start! We have amazing friends! And my children will have grandparents!!
Now I just wonder what could the repercussions be..

I have to add to my comment above: I’m so glad that I’m the one who wants to move to my husband’s country! In other words, he’d rather move to mine! But we talked about what’s best for the children and that settled it for us. But, after reading some of the posts above, I can say that if I end up *hating* my decision (knowing myself I never hate anything.. guess only I would know how much I bore living alone in the US I think now that there could be nothing worse!) I know I can convince my man, kid & kaboodle to move back to our 3rd nation home! phew…
Start with a person (man or woman) who you are absolutely crazy about, you cannot imagine another day without, making sure that person feels the same about you and the rest will fall into place.

I’m English, my wife is Thai. We’ve lived in her country for 5 years now.

First, I must emphasise that I love her to bits – she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’re aged 60 & 59 so not spring chickens. I’m a retired (early) professional engineer, she’s a schoolteacher & will retire at 60.

Cultural differences & linguistic misunderstandings are all part of the fun BETWEEN THE TWO OF US but, for me, those same things cause frustration & feelings of rejection with the locals in general. Is that strange?

I’d have to agree with 8/10 points made in the original article – distance from family and grandparents aren’t a problem for us/me.

While my wife is fantastic, I increasingly can’t say the same about her country.

I, and all foreigners living here, exist on an annually renewable “permission to stay” – if we don’t meet the yearly requirements, it’s “bye bye” – and have to report to Immigration every 90 days; No, I’m not a criminal!!!! In practice, it’s not a problem but it COULD be if Immigration wanted to get difficult. It doesn’t make for any level of confidence in the future, for me, and has the potential to make family life seem like a temporary arrangement. Permanent residence/taking Thai citizenship isn’t an option since both require that income tax has been paid for a period of time but I don’t work here and would find it almost impossible to do so in our locality, except as an English teacher – which certainly doesn’t appeal – since foreigners are barred from most jobs.

Foreigners can’t own land so “our” home is really hers and I can, technically, be turfed out at a moment’s notice with no leg to stand on. Our relationship is such that I trust her 100% so this is no real concern to me at all but it COULD be.

I tried to learn her language and found it not-so-difficult but Thais don’t make it easy for foreigners IMO and, after making some headway initially, I now find myself quite reluctant to learn more or even use the Thai I know. That leads to isolation from the general population and then to some resentment …….

I wouldn’t swap my wife for anything.

While I’m having increasing problems living in her country, she’d have more trouble living in mine, mainly because of the distance she’d be from her family. She has her adult sons here in Thailand, with their wives and our new grandson born 2 months ago, all of whom I’m very fond of. I have no children anywhere. She’d miss having her Buddhist temple just a few hundred yards from us. While her English is better than my Thai and I’m pretty sure that most of my country(wo)men would be more accommodating of her efforts than most Thais are with mine, she’d still have problems.

These are just some of the problems I’m encountering. For some folks, they wouldn’t be problems at all but this is about me & my wife, nobody else.

The bottom line is that I want to stay with her and, to do that, it’d be much easier for me to stay in her country than she in mine. So I guess I’ll bite the bullet and stay with her in Thailand.

Maybe you’re asking why the hell I stay here – it’s for my wife and for no other reason. Does that make me a fool or a hero? I’ve no idea but I know it’s not going to be easy.

Of course, many of us don’t think about these realities until it is too late. It’s all romance and adventure of course! I agree that the person living in the other person’s home country is never truly going to feel at home, and of course the issue with the grandparents is a biggie. The person living outside of their home country has to make new friends, and usually it’s ideal to make some friends outside of the group of their partners for a bit of independence, and this can be tough! Seeing grandkids once a year or twice a year also doesn’t cut it. A lot of work needs to be put in to marrying a foreigner, but hopefully in the end it’s worth it!

It is definitely hard, but anything that is worth something is going to take work! I wrote a list about my marriage! It’s called ‘Five things to worry about when marrying a Mexican” You can find it here:

I’m a Jamaican married to a Nigerian but we live in the UK. I identify with these points but I felt we underestimated the challenges we would face in our marriage. I am trying to teach myself his language and how to cook his traditional foods but with great difficulty. We have 2 children and I’m dreading the ‘D’ word. Unfortunately, I came here when I was 16 so UK is all I know. I do miss back home though but feels like an outsider when I visit. My husband is very social and seem to know everyone from Nigeria living in the UK which I admire but I feel left out as I don’t speak the language and I’m a shy person.

I have been with my foreign husband for 7 years now, 2 years ago we got married. We have lived in my home country and now live in his. He’s not fluent in my language and I am still learning his (it’s going pretty well), so we speak English.
At times I get very lonely and sad, sometimes the D-word crosses my mind too.
When I look back, I realize that our biggest problem is miscommunication.
Not just at language level as it can happen when we can’t speak mother tongue to each other. It’s more – as if the meaning goes missing in translation or there’s too much room for interpretation.
Perhaps it just exaggerates the qualities we don’t like about each other and when added to miscommunication it blows up into a big fight.
I am sure there are some cultural differences in the equation too. And perhaps there’s routine, stress and other factors – as usual in relationships.
Sometimes it’s overwhelming and tiring and I want to give up.
So, sometimes I just want to give up.

Am African and am dating a German for one and a half years now.I have a really good job here and really wears me down that i have to learn German since marriage is on plan in 6months.I love him so much but he says,moving to Africa is so unlikely because he has an established company which he owns.The thought of practicing medicine in a foreign language is not easy for me….stranded.

Corey Heller – Thanks for creating such an interesting topic. I understand what your intentions are here, and agree that , if looked upon as a challenge, then one can see where you are coming from.

With that being said, Marriage, regardless of each others’ nationality can and most certainly will be difficult at times. I am American and my wife is Ethiopian. We have been together for roughly 7 1/2 years and married for 4 1/2 years thus far. We have a nearly 3 year old little boy who is simply put, a hand full. He is a delight, talkative like you would not believe, speaks both my and my wife’s native tongue, and is absolutely a blessing with all of his terribleness…..lol. Our son was born in a 3rd country where we both worked, which was kind of interesting. The U.S. Embassy took care of his Citizen Birth Abroad, U.S. Passport, and Social Security Card. He is healthy, which is the most important thing.

To say that my wife and I have had our share of “I didn’t catch that”, “what did you say?” “Are you serious?”, flat out disagreements, arguments, threats of divorce, etc. is an understatement. Most of which was early on in the marriage as we had never actually lived together, although we lived only 20 minutes away from each other. I have found that we have grown closer and stronger as a result of everything that has happened, good and bad. Yes, I still have to ask her to repeat certain statements when I don’t understand, but it does not bother me……..It is actually kind of funny when she mispronounces certain words while speaking English and she laughs when I screw up words in her language as well.

We moved back to the U.S. recently, purchased a Townhouse, but realized that neither of us were happy living here. Visiting has always been great but the quality of life associated with residing here simply was not on par with the amount of daily grind, stress, cost, etc that it demanded. So, we both agreed that a move to Ethiopia was in order. We have a home there, and my wife a business that she is totally excited about growing. Our son is very comfortable there and I too really enjoy the simplicity of life and freedoms there that I discovered have been somehow lost in the U.S., and all at a fraction of the cost. Yes, I will miss what few family members here in the U.S. that actually matter, but this is my family now and life is simply too short not to live it together as adventurously as possible.

I guess what I am trying to say is that when you marry someone, native or foreign, that you had to have seen something very special in that person. Don’t loose sight of that. Be willing to see the humor in things that bother you vice the pain of it because no matter who you are with or where you choose to lay your head down, you and your partner will have to deal with and except some issues as simply being the way things are.

Quality of life is what is most important. If you can not find that in your country or in hers/his, then discover it together in some other country. There will always be immigration difficulties every where, but do try to find your own little happy place. Except your differences, celebrate your likenesses, and above all……Be thankful for each today.

I’m not actually close to my extended family (trust me, once you met some of them you wouldn’t hang out with them either) so I doubt vacations visiting family all of the time and missing family would be an issue with me if I were to marry a man that wasn’t American. It still “wireds me out” a little when people talk about missing their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents and have to visit them almost once or twice a month or more. Seriously won’t be an issue with me. I have gone longer than 5 years or more with no seeing any of them–ever, and it didn’t bother me one bit. Also, marrying a foreign person might be easier if they’re becoming a citizen into your country or vise versa. Therefore the culture shock is expected and holiday traditions might not be as missed. That’s what my brother did. He married a girl from Hong Kong (yes, she’s oriental) but she is now becoming a citizen of the United States. See how much that’s different than just meeting someone that’s “exotic” and being forced to travel back and forth?

Becoming the US citizen does not mean that the person will start to stop missing family in home country, start acting like some who was born and raised here, nor cultural shock is expected..
By the way, are you really calling your sis in law as ‘oriental’? You know that can be regarded as ignorant remark to call Asians, do you know that?

hi ı read all your comments getting married of foreigner which has pros and cons. this definetly true that being married of foreigner doesnt have likeness being married of your native woman.
ı am from istanbul and about to get married with my brazil girlfriend so some tıme ı scare about this going and ı do not know wat will be the end? before geting married u should elaborate all details which disappers before get in to this way.

Well these are the main problems I see:
1. Brazilians are very strong Roman Catholics; and Turks are not very strong Islamically, but they would not like their kids to be participating in Catholic rituals.
2. Great distance between Brazil and Turkey.
3. When two people get married, their two friend groups all become close friends with each other as well because of same language, culture, etc. This will be unlikely with the different cultures…so there is more discomfort when your common contacts meet.
4. Language barrier-Turkish is very difficult to learn; so a lot of time your girlfriend will be left out of conversations.

It’s really hard to break up with someone you love

But it’s much harder to have a divorce.

So think about everything very carefully bro. Let her know your thoughts, too.

It’s been very interesting to read about your stories and to know that I am not alone in this.

My husband is English and I’m Israeli, we’ve been married for 8 years now and we’ve met in Israel whilst his parents worked for the British Embassy in Israel.
We got married in England and lived there for about 4 years, throughout that time both of us were extremely lonely, we didn’t have any friends, we were cold (no offence but the weather was just too much for me to handle), his family lived 2 hours away and they’re not very close and on top of it all I was able to find a job whilst he wasn’t so we were struggling with money. He wanted to go back to Israel having lived there for 3 years prior to me (the Israeli) convincing him to try and move to the UK. Now that we have moved back we feel the same here as we did over there, we’re both miserable (I’m a little less miserable as I have my family around me), all of my friends have kinda drifted away from me as I wasn’t around for years and even though we’ve both found a job we still feel like we don’t belong. Now he wants to go back to the UK (even though he dislikes it) because he feels like he’s treading water as he never learnt how to speak Hebrew fluently and there’s not many job opportunities for him without being able to speak Hebrew. I will never go back to the UK as I hated living there. Culturally I’m fine, we both come from a western country, I speak English with an English accent, I love the culture and everything but job wise, weather, friends and family makes it hard…to be honest, I hated it aswell cuz they really dislike Jews over there at the moment, especially Israeli’s and I felt horrible every single day due to comments I would get at work etc.

Do you guys know if there’s any possibility for both of us to move to the US? We figured if we’re both foreign it might be easier, sounds silly but that way no one resents the other for not being in their home country.

My husband of almost 10 years told me last night he’s misding his family so terribly that he was thinking of moving back to his native country , Czech Republic. We have an otherwise good marriage, we are best friends and get along super. He’s been in the US for 15 years and became a citizen two years ago. His son just turned 18, he lived in the US until he was 8 then moved back to Czech with his mother after they divorced. All the sudden, his son is acting strangely, has weird ideas about the US and is obsessed with Hitler. My husband is worried he’s being brainwashed. He feels that his son is acting out because he was never a father to him, although we have visited 2-3 times a year. I am out of my mind with hurt. I feel betrayed, even though in trying to be understanding about him wanting to be near his son and aging family. I can’t go with him because he’s from a very small town and I don’t speak the language, I have my aging family here and I could not leave my dogs. He made the decision to leave his country long ago, but now i am the one suffering. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but he made a vow to me that seems to not be anything compared to the absence if his family. I offered to go visit 4 times a year, during all school holidays but that doesn’t seem to be enough. Please Help! My heart is torn out and I don’t know what to do. Does the old saying apply here? “If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s yours, if not it wasn’t meant to be”??

Hi Maria, unfortunately, no matter how much we love our men, we cannot compete with the biological bond. I think your husband would not want to go back so bad if it was not for his son. Have you had your own biological child yet? If not, I think you are right that you are suffering…because you are exchanging your prime fertile years for his company…yet at the end, he can leave and you are left, alone and barren. If he is going to threaten you to leave, then do it wholeheartedly. Don’t let him think that you will just be on reserve for him. You have already offered so much compromise by wanting to visit…the fact that he keeps declining makes me think that he’s looking for a way to break up too :/ You know him best….it’s up to you to decide whether you can maybe wait a year, or to break up completely. Good luck.

This is the hard part.. breakups.. or sometimes, one person missing the family while the other has them close-by.
In my case, my husband and I are both in our 3rd country that is the US.. after 22 years, yes 22 years — some just take long to find out, or rather, have the strength to think up such a crazy idea — I realized I really want to change the current living situation where I miss my birth family and relatives day-in an day-out particularly during holidays, particularly for my children’s sake. As long as I lived single, or dated or just married I never missed my family!

So I spoke with my husband (with a lot of tears).. he understood, because above all he cares for me. So we decided to move (at least for a short while)..

The fact that you are not even willing to try it out says you don’t have much vested in him.. rather, you expect him to stay because you met him in the US.. be glad you don’t share children.. when the ‘other’ party cannot understand what goes through the mind of the ‘foreigner’ — which is quite hard to understand, but is possible when you love someone so deeply — it gets harder to explain for the foreigner.. If I were in your shoes, I would try the life of your husband, being a foreigner in his country.. visiting is NOT the same as living there.. In other words, “if you can’t live without him” (the million $$ question before deciding to marrying someone) I’d say at least give it a try.. if you can live without him, then you’re good!

I agree with the cultural differences. I didnt feel it until i got here in the US . Everything is very different here. The way holidays are celebrated are different than what I grew up with in the Philippines. The christmas spirit is lesser. Not like ours. We have really many differences in gestures, how i describe certain things that he misunderstood, and sign languages. It used to have a conflict on both of us because there are certain things that were not okay, like me calling him with hand sign that he describes as me calling him like a dog which is how we do in the philippines. He thought he was offensive. Also about the language that he misinterpret and to me that had made us upset before. There are a lot of differences however I really love my husband and he feels the same way that we both are willing to conquer the consequences .We both felt home when we met .I have never felt so comfortable with a man except to him. We get along very much. It has been a tough journey to understand each other’s culture. About visiting families. We both have the understanding and we have plans on trips. We save enough money to make it possible and it is not a problem to me to visit her mom.We also have planned future trips to europe. My husband has 2 kids from previous marriage but I am really open to having them in our trips. I love my husband’s kids as much as i love him. As for food, he eats whatever I make. Im blessed to be able to make any food that I want, either filipino, some american, some thai food , some of other cuisines and I am glad that he is a foodie like me. He eats rice too. I have learned to love eating burgers and adjusted in being here in the US. It feels lonely to not se my sister but after 2 years i will see her again.

I have been married to an Irish lass from Galway for almost 35 years. Met in London in 1978 got married in 1980 and stayed in London for almost 25 years, decided to move lock stock and barrel with my family to Cape Town -thats where I was born. Jobs were hard to find and my adult children decided to make a new life for themselves in Cape Town and stayed on. It was tough accepting the fact they were in another country.
My wife and I came back to Galway – her family and friends are here. I now have three grandchildren -guess what! they also married foreigners and my daughter now lives in Milan with her Italian boyfriend. Of course I miss them all- but it’s a wonderful excuse to visit them. I personally think that when you love and care for a partner -nationality plays a small part.

Thank you for your sharing. I also love a girl from a different country, it is nearly a platonic love. But I always thaught as you are. Where we will spend out life and where we will be buried. That is a big dilemma for me. I made a big mistake for choosing my unwanted department and I don’t want to make my second big mistake. Because I think profession and marriage affect the whole life. So if we make a wrong decision in this regard, it will affects firstly our, then our children and our parent’s life. Again I want to thank you for sharing your experinence and I think that I have to make a bit more research in this particular subject.

Your reasons are wonderful and very convincing but if you see your relationship with your husband is a great experience and you are living happily with him . Why are you trying to give an advice you can’t use. Thank you for your valuable advice but try to think that you would ruin someone else’s relationship and life with your words.

Yes, marrying a foreigner has its challenges. But it never gets boring. That itself is a plus in a marriage. Also, some of these issues can be discussed upfront with your partner before marriage, e.g., in-laws management, travel frequency, etc.

I’m a Japanese married to an American and now we live in the States. We lived in Europe before we came here and I felt better back then than I do now. I guess it felt more equal to me because as mentioned in the article, international marriage is usually not equal. Now my husband is saying that he wants to move to his home town and settle down. I got nothing against to the location since he’s from Hawaii (right?) but just thinking of what I will have to go through again blows my mind…like start everything from zero while he will be totally comfortable with everything! I feel that I am always the one who is putting effort. Sigh. We technically could move back to the Europe because his job allows us to but he says no. I don’t know what to do…..

You cannot do always what you want. Just look for the middle way. This is because you are now married. I am European American. Europe is more stable. US is more about moving every now and then. European and Japanese have much more in common. They are more conservative. Try to focus on the good things. Hawaii is a nice middle term between US and Japan.

I am also married to a USA guy, I am from south america. I came to the USA knowing that I had to adapt, learn the language, learn the ways of the people from his culture etc etc, I had no problems with that, but the thing that has put me off was his behavior as a husband. I had to use and still have his help for many things, like transportation, and making transactions with people etc, he told me many times he was doing me favors by doing that, it seems that still after almost 7 years of marriage he still does not make feel as his family. He also has some habits that I did not know before getting into this marriage that I had to put up for all this time, He stays late at night doing some triple x watching, and coming to bed at 2, 3 or sometimes 4 in the morning. and some other stuff like being such a messy, unorganized, not caring enough about our life as a couple. I told him many times I was leaving, that I was done with our relationship, and for me who is not a native of his country it is more difficult to make that decision. If I go what do I take with me? I can not take any furniture and stuff we have accumulated in all these years, It is like start from zero in my country if I leave. But recently I have thought more about it and it seems that that’s my only option. I really have to make my decision and go. It is better for my mental health and well being than being here with a man that still needs to grow up a lot emotionally.

I am Nigerian and married to a Swede. I and my husband are very happy together and we go to Nigeria for Christmas every other year. For me the biggest problem is acceptance by his family. Even when my family visited for two weeks, his family found it very difficult to accept my family and this really worries me and makes me angry because I love my family so much and resent anyone who treats them with no values. This really hurts.

There is a lot of racism and pre-justice in Nordic societies towards of foreigners. There have been many sociological and anthropological studies on the matter. There is an implicit ethnic, religious and racial hierarchy in Norse countries and until fairly recently it was government policy. Government may not discriminate you anymore but the general society will. The most social acceptable marriage among the Norse is those which one spouse is from another Nordic country. Then they place spouses from Northern, Western, Southern and Eastern Europe in that order. Whites from United States, Canada, Australia and New Zeeland are somewhat between Western and Southern Europe. There are also some individual differences between countries. For example, a person from Czech Republic (Which is politically Eastern Europe) holds the same level of esteem as someone from example Greece. Note that religion is also important. Protestants (Lutherans – not evangelical Christians) are regarded higher than Catholics. Outside religion I would say that gender is important. A foreign female has it much easier than a foreign man – of course it is another matter if they are Norse and Western Europeans. Then I don’t think it would matter much. Money and what you do for a living is also a factor. A good job requiring a degree means more respect than if you have a menial job.

In turn Catholics are regard higher than Eastern Orthodox and so on. Muslims are regarded most negative and often with hostility. The rest of the world outside the Western Civilization is lumped together. People from rich countries such as Singapore, Japan and Korea are held favorable while people from Africa, South America, Middle East and the rest of Asia are less favorable held.

What is most important for Scandinavians is your willingness to assimilate rather than you race or ethnicity. If you speak the language and respect the culture and religion of the majority society including financially contribute you will be hold much higher. When I see Muslim-Turkish immigrants fail in Denmark it is often because of they refuse to assimilate and tell the majority society to adapt to their needs. If I moved to Turkey and then started to argue that public school should serve pork, that circumcision should be banned because it upset me, that government information should be available in Danish and that Danes should have affirmative action and political influence it wouldn’t go well. If I did that and in the same time committed crimes (not me personally but the group I belonged to) and lived of the Turkish society the Turks wouldn’t appreciate me much. The same applies for foreigners in Nordic countries. My wife understood that she had to assimilate and learn the language, cultural codes and what is socially acceptable. She did it as a Turk and a non-religious Muslim. The factor; “non-religious” is rather important because it makes Danes go insane when they feel that someone want Islam to have the same standing as the State Church in Denmark. Still, being non-religious she didn’t push atheism on people either. She was just ridding with the flow.

I think one important factor makes things difficult for mixed-couples are if one of the spouses comes from a poor country. Often the larger family wants money, services or help. If you live in a western country you have bills and taxes to pay – and you don’t want to send money abroad or support your wife or husbands greater family. I never had to deal with it because my in-laws had no financial issues but I know other which have had to deal with it. That can really destroy marriages.

Hi. I am a filipina married to a US citizen. I know I am not alone because my other filipina friends experiencing the same problem, our relatives in Philippines expect us to give them money like they think we are rich here. They convert the $$$$ paycheck to pesos and think like wow such a big money. They dont know how expensive the cost of living here. I even sacrifice not buying anything for myself just so i can send money there. Yes they have small income but cost of living there is cheap so just fair square. Another problem is, they expect me to petition my parents which aren’t happy living in philippines and thinks USA is damn awesome place to live. My husband and I are not rich here. In fact, we have a daughter and our extra money goes to her needs and some wants now. What they don’t know too is they need medical insurance if they live in usa which is so expensive every month! If they wont have one and what if something will happen, the bill is gonna be so high. I am so pressured right now. I dont know how to tell them that I don’t want to petition them. Yes they can visit as tourist but not live with us. Just so much we cant afford anything to do that. My mom visited me here once and wasn’t really that happy that she stayed home with me most of the time. She wanted to go tour places or go anywhere which we cannot do all the time because of money. She was here for 6 months. We still went places to eat and have fun whenever we have extra like if my husband goes overtime. I am so tired of everything. I also have a disabled brother in Philippines whom I mainly prioritize with my extra money. But when my mom was here, my brother was really saddened about it and loss weight so much and so sickly. I told my mom maybe he needs her. She has to be in Philippines but she got upset and wants to stay here and just let one of my brothers take care of my special brother. But i dont think its working good because he misses her so bad and gets sickly. Why everybody is abandoning philippines and hassling filipina married to us citizen. I just dont get it. And whenever we visit Philippines, they get sad if you dont have that much stuff to give them. They make me feel sad, i just spent $$$$ just to visit there yet they will be happier if i rather gave them that money.

You shouldn’t worry yourself because whatever you do would never seem enough. Take a bold stand and let them know how u feel. Trying hard to please family who wouldn’t appreciate all you do would only hurt you and quite possibly destroy your marriage. So ask yourself, what’s more important….

I can very well relate especially with airline tickets. Haha. Would be crazy when the kids begin popping out and buying return tickets for five to nigeria.When I first moved to Germany it was a mad house understanding the language but now I’m basically obligated to attend language classes and they have helped a ton!

I have been writing a woman for almost 4 years on the internet. I am a woman also. Now she wants to sell everything she has and come to America. We don’t know the first thing to do except try to get her a place to stay. I know she should put her money in the bank and live frugal(at least until she can find a job) and there are work permits to get. She doesn’t want to go back to Malaysia. Please can anyone help us? Any feedback at all would help.

I have a male friend that is American contemplating a relationship with a Nicaraguan woman. He is an Evangelical Christian missionary to that country and she is from the church he is working for in Nicaragua. He is trying to figure out what the pros and cons would be, (up front) if he pursues a relationship with her. He has not told her anything of the sort yet and I am trying to help him make a wise choice on whether or not to even talk to her.

I can imagine how hard it is! I was born in Mexico, but have been living most of my life in the US. I met a guy here who happens to be also from Mexico. We started out friends, we became best friends, and one day we realized that we felt something more. Ever since we have been unofficially dating (because he was considering going back to his home country, since he has no family whatsoever here). The relationship has been great and fantastic, the absolute best, for both us. Recently, he traveled to Mexico to visit his family after 9 years. He came back, and now his heart is divided. He wants to be with me and eventually marry, but he also wants to be with his family, especially his parents (he has a very beautiful, loving family). He is very confused and doesn’t know what to do. He is planning on moving back but doesn’t have a date or ticket.
I would him to stay with me but I can not ask him to because I know how close his family is and how much he loves them. I wouldn’t go live with him to Mexico because my ENTIRE family is here, I have no one there. Plus, i dont know if i would be able to adjust. Its true that we have the same culture, yet it is so different when you have been raised in another country. And another thing is that women do not have the same rights here and there, and I dont think I would be able to risk it.
It is a very saddening and heartbreaking situation. I love him and hate seeing him like that. I think I’m just going to try to move away from him and maybe that’ll make it easier for both of us.

Many americans come from dysfunctional environments and live and die alone so what’s the deal. Your points are true but there are also many advantages. There must be a commitment to love on both sides and it doesn’t matter if one is a foreigner or not.
I find foreign ladies more interesting and authentic but to each its own.

I am recently discovering the downside of marrying a foreigner and chose to live in his country. I’m Peruvian and my husband is American, even though I adore him, I wonder if I did make the right choice in leaving family and a carrier behind. I had previously lived in the US as a J1 student so I was a bit familiarize to the American culture still living here permanently i. Way different ,I had a different status back at my country since I’m very educated but that counts for nothing over here,it posses me off when people think I’m another uncultured immigrant when most of the time I know I had a better education than them.
My husband treats me well but he cannot seem to fully understand all I’m going through;from the homesickness, lack of independence and career.

Well American women are the worst ones to get married too these days since many of them today are very high maintenance, spoiled, selfish, very picky, and very independent which they Don’t need a man to survive since many of them really think their all that now, and i wish i could find myself a real good old fashioned woman that really would want to settle down to have a family that i would want as well.

Wow, well that is a generalization. I was a single mom for many, many years. My ex was the high maintenance one and he was from Mexico. I am American. Unfortunately, I was too flexible, but definitely not spoiled!

I’m a Danish man with living in Copenhagen with my Turkish wife and two children.

10. Far away from family: My wife’s family lives in Izmir and Istanbul. They can be reached within four hours from Copenhagen. Flying is not that expensive. She completed her graduate degree in Copenhagen and had just friends from the university when she decided to stay because of me. Family matters way much more in Turkey than in Denmark. The entire family travel to Izmir and Istanbul once a year. Her parents or sisters family come and visit. My wife takes the kids for weekends to Izmir and Istanbul when there is time.

9. Loss of holiday traditions: My wife is a secular Muslim Turkish woman. I’m protestant Danish man. We are living in Denmark were Norse and Protestant traditions is the most important holidays. Denmark does not take note of Eid, Ramadan or other Islamic tradition not to mention Turkish traditions. We hold some Turkish and Islamic traditions but not regularly. Christmas, which is more about family than religion, has become the most important family-tradition for us.

8. Cultural misunderstandings: Turkey may be a constitutional secular democracy state with the same freedoms enjoyed in Western countries but families are considerable more conservative. Turkish people are as conservative as Serbians and as religious as Chileans according WVS. Eastern Turkey is minor-Asia and culturally Middle Eastern while Western Turkey is similar to the Balkans. Even in very liberal Izmir, located in Far-West Turkey and were bikinis are more popular than veils a multiethnic and multi-religious relationship is uncommon. Although not illegal in Turkey interfaith marriage between a Christian man and Muslim woman is not socially acceptable, although tolerated outside the intellectual and well-traveled middle class in larger cities.

If my wife was not an independent woman and came from a very secular, liberal and English-speaking highly educated middle class family in Izmir (is consider to be the San Francisco of Turkey) our relationship and later marriage would not have been possible. Both her parents studied in Western Europe. They sent both their daughters abroad for their graduate degrees which say a great deal about them. They are well reversed in European political, cultural and religious affairs. That her family is very small also helped a great deal because in Turkey – what the greater family thinks is important. Only a distant cuisine of my wife wears a headscarf. Her grandmother or mother does not. Her parents are very rational people and have been very supportive from the very start although it has not always been easy seeing her daughter permanent migrate to another country. My wife is rational and is able to speak for both cultures. She compromises and seek consensus so those few minor issues we have had have been solved.

When I meet my wife we were still in the university in Copenhagen. We moved in together after we graduated. Shortly after we had moved in together we meet her parents. Her mother had to order another Raki (Turkish liqueur) when I told them that I (we) was still looking for work requiring a degree and my then “unofficial” fiancée shortly after told already lived together. At least she had told them before we went down there that I was Danish, Protestant and three years younger than her. Shortly after my than fiancée became pregnant and we decided to marry. Being pregnant before marriage is not uncommon or controversial in Scandinavia but pretty darn controversial even in Izmir and at that with a blonde Protestant not being established yet. None of us converted to each other’s faith because none of us is very religious.

We had a civil ceremony with some minor Islamic theme in small town outside Izmir and later a Protestant wedding in Church in Denmark. We raise our two children without religion in the sense that they are not members in a congregation and that it will be up to them to choose religion when they feel it’s time to make such decision. We didn’t have a circumcision for our first born and nor was he baptized. Because we live Denmark our children do eat pork and take part in Christian religious services in school. My wife finds that the Danish Church music and tradition is very beautiful. She feels that it our children should not be deprived from their Protestant heritage – because their parents are non-religious and of different faiths.

It has not always been easy for my wife. She has sacrificed a lot of her cultural and religious identity. She has also struggled for some-time making a professional career in the financial crisis and in the same time learning a new language. In the end she has been able to overcome every obstacle and done what has been right. Her husband and her children is everything to her. She loves us three very much. She has always been a loving mother and companion. She always was very strong and honest and very soft. She always sees me and the children. If I’m angry or upset over something she caress check and gentle kiss me and those feelings leaves me. She reminds me everyday why I love her.

7. What if we divorce? I don’t think we will divorce but if we would we have shared custody – protected by Danish law. She has a pretty good career and makes significantly more than she would do in Turkey. Standard of living is much higher in Denmark than in Turkey. It is a much safer country with better opportunities. Her children speak Turkish and English but their Danish is obviously better. Both our children has a Danish identity and in particularly our daughter. My wife has also made many friends here. She would stay.

6. Learning the language: I’m not able to hold a deeper Turkish conversation. I can read children’s books. My children are able to speak enough Turkish to hold a conversation with their mother, grandparents and relatives. My wife speaks both very good Danish and English although with an accent. When we are in Izmir It can be troublesome for me following a conversation. Luckily her relatives and friends speak good English.

5. It takes a lot of work: It was not only difficult for my wife to find employment within her field when she graduated from university. It was difficult for me too because of the financial crisis. In the same time we had a toddler we had to take career of and bills to pay. Although she had a Danish degree she was not able to speak the language well enough at that time. It took longer for her to make a career and she took great responsibility for our first born before I was established. There was a lot of pressure on us both. We had some financial help from my parents. The good part that we also could spend more time in Izmir and Istanbul. Both of us have also friends around Europe we visited. Today, we share the burdens equally. I do much of the cooking and the dishes. I leave the kids at kindergarten. She picks up the kids and does some washing. Because she supported me in the beginning of my career I support her as much as I can in hers.

4. Never completely at home: My wife loves Denmark – who do not? Denmark has a long tradition of right-wing populism just as Turkey. In Turkey politicians and mainstream media badmouth Kurds and Christians. In Denmark they badmouth Turks. Muslim immigrants are particularly a political target for Danish politicians. She is not target personally or feel discriminated. She understands the language of populist politics. In Turkey she was part of the majority and in Denmark she is the minority. She understands that she can never fully assimilate and she does not seek to do so. If we lived in Turkey I wouldn’t fully assimilate and would not seek to do so. There are things she misses in Turkey – often the little things and the sun of course. Our winters are long.

3. The end of true vacations: This is actually a bit sad but we would likely travel more distant countries than Turkey. Time and money is just not plenty enough to travel to exotic locations.

2. Airplane flights are expensive. We don’t have this problem with all cheap flights within Europe.

1. At least one set of grandparents is always far away: That is the price of marriage over borders.

0. And here is one more general question: We were fairly young when we married and had children. We are still young. We don’t talk much about death.

Hey, great read. I obviously was in the need of it if I end up here 😀
Just wanted to add an extra flavour to the international couple’s equation: how about when both have different european nationalities, different native language (and English is not one of them two) and we moved to Canada? We are currently struggling with deciding which of the 2 best friends’ weddings should we attend to this summer at a distance of 2 weeks in between. Flip the coin? Choose none? Go separately? Thoughts anyone?!
Did not get marry…yet. But hey, I guess having trilingual babies would be fun! (at least for them)

I’m thinking of divorce because since I did not like to live in his country (France)….nothing works. He lives in my country now but is miserable. We have a 7 year old son. I love my husband and I think he loves me. We are just unhappy in each others countries.

I think you really went terribly about how to plan a relationship with a foreigner, but yet again you’re from the US, so it doesn’t surprise me. People from Europe do it all the time and have done all along. It’s written in history books all over.

Yes, the lady has mentioned correct reasons about international marriages and their respective problems, but I think comments mentioned here dragged the problems and not the good good things about a love marriage with a foreigner.

I am an Indian and my girl friend is a German of Polish origin. Yes we have lot of our issues to perpetuate about but we try to avoid them. We only concentrate about how we can be together and happy in our lives. I am mentioning following points on advantages of an International marriages and bad things about marrying in your own country !!!

Advantages to marry foreigner

1. They bring their cultural values to family. I am an Indian my GF loves me more because I hail from India and we may not be rich but have lot of cultural values.

2. We share things,life and issues of our countries. Lot of stuff to talk about.

3. Holidays in different countries rather than staying at the same place.

4. Not so boring life. When you change countries, your horizon about the world will be expanded.

5. Lot of different stuff to eat around the world. She is Polish and German, she cooks for me various dishes sometimes Italian , sometimes Polish and most of the times German. I am foodie and loves to eat. She cooks fantastic Tanduri Chicken when I love and because of Tanduri Chicken we are together 😛

6. To Meet lot of people from other countries. To know and met new people.

7. Her family , hough initially didnt like me because of her previously failed relationships, now they have started liking me and hope we will have our family soon.

8. She is perfect as a women , I am still learning to be. She taught me so many things through her behaviour which I will posses for the rest of my life.

9. We can celebrate different festivals, she is Christian and I am Hindu . Hindus have 20 different festivals in an year and she also have around 5-6, so together we can celebrate somany festivals together.

In the end , only Love matters. Festivals, cultures etc are things which we celebrate and talk about which brings us more closer otherwise what’s the point in doing same things again and again 😛

and so many more good things

Disadvantages of marrying in your home country

1. Same rotten culture, same boring life. You expect more from women of your own country when it comes to same culture but after globalisation they have changed too. Unnecessary fights due to misunderstanding are common things now a days .

2. Same language , no new people addition in life, no new festivals. Yuck, its boring

In the end, what matters is trust , understanding and love for each other. Foreign couples tend to love more , have more understanding than other couples (thats y they are together) and just because they know about their problems which might arise in international marriages, they take precautionary measures to avoid them as strong as possible.

And ye their will be fights (bcz couples are couples) , kids will learn the language of father and mother both, in our case German Hindi and Polish, many things will arise but if a person is determined to overcome few problems then I think international marriages are best and is need of the hour to do so to bring people together.

I hope we will be together soon !!!!!

I love my women who is Polish by birth and German by citizenship and Indian by heart !!!!

My boyfriend is from Spain and I’m from the U.S. I lived in Spain for almost 2 years. (We’ve been dating for one). He’s moving to the U.S. for a year to be an Au pair (the only way we could think to get him a visa). It’s a J1 visa. After his visa expires (December 2016) , it is required he go back to his home country – which he wants to do anyway to celebrate the holidays with his friends and family.

We want to get married to each other. Him moving to the states is a way to figure out if he could live here long-term in the future. If the answer is yes, then I will be marrying him. The question is this:

If we were to get married, do we do it in the states before his visa is up and returns home, or do we wait until his visa is up and goes home and then get married? How does marrying a foreigner even work if you two aren’t living in the same country? Would he be coming here on a tourist visa and then we get married?

I don’t know how it all works and I don’t really know who to ask.

Also great article. Really sad but I’m glad to see that my boyfriend and I discussed almost all of these already

Thank you so much for writing this article, it is easy to forget that there are loads of couples experiencing the rollercoaster that is a transnational marriage. The comment on where you will be burried made me laugh so hard, my husband and i have that chat frequently. Were 24hrs (if we get a decent flight) from my husbands family in Ireland. For me the hardest part is the guilt associated with my husband being away from his family, and friends. I know if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t be in Australia. When we’re leaving Ireland and his family are crying it breaks my heart. I just wish people would understand transnational marriages are hard work, it’s so much more then a cute accent lol.

I am American, he is Australian. We each had one child from previous relationships (my husband died; he never married the mother of his daughter). We got married in 2003. Originally, my son and I were going to move to Australia, because my son comes with me, whereas his daughter was with her mom in Oz. However, without talking about it with me ahead of time, he made the decision to move here to the states instead (with permission from his daughter). After asking him a million times if he was sure, I agreed and he moved here in 2004 after we had been married 1 1/2 years, and when I was pregnant with our first child together. However, it was the biggest mistake I ever made. He never actually “moved here”. Yes, physically, he is here, and his stuff is here, but his heart and mind are perpetually over there. He is constantly on the phone with friends and family in Oz, and is glued to his smartphone and computer reading news websites and football updates from Oz. And yes, our “vacations” consist of him visiting his friends and family. He promises me trips to other places, but invariably we end up in his mother’s house in Oz; or, he tells me to go on trips alone (why be married, then?). He rarely makes any effort to get involved in life here, and never spends any alone time with me because he is too tired from staying up late watching Australian Rules Football at 2am, or being on the phone with his buddies in Oz, or some other such nonsense. I have asked him countless times why he moved here if he doesn’t want to be here, and he states he does want to be here, but he certainly doesn’t act it. People love the story of how we met and think it’s so romantic, but they don’t know the real struggles behind closed doors. I am now considering divorce, but I will not allow our 11 year old son to go to Oz with him because he threatens to take him away from me permanently to Oz every time I bring up divorce.

I could have write this article.
It’s a big challenge : we have different cultures,languages,countries…
For my part, I’m tired to answer to the people I met (even friends) who ask me : “is it difficult? I could not have make it.What will happen if he wants to return to his country? What about your son?” I’m tired to still be the foreigner, some of his parents : talk in front of me as I dont understand.
“Maybe in her country it is different!”
Maybe if you ask me I could answer you.
Yes,it’s a big challenge,and no I dont know what’ll happen tomorrow,and I dont want to know…

Dolinda,
I echo absolutely every single one of your points. It freaked me out a little how our stories are so similar (including divorce – wow)…i came from Brazil in 2000, I have absolutely no intentions to move back. That decision definitely assures my husband that I would never take our son away from him. Not that I ever would. These two are beautiful soul mates!
I was also in the same situation with guardianship of our son (born in 2008). Our families are not an option, but luckily We have wonderful friends that we both agree are the perfect fit…interesting enough, when we approached them they also had chosen us as guardians of their son…who knew!?
This country has given me more than I ever dreamed…education, career, a family and the certainty that I don’t need to be worried about our future too much. I have always said that I was born in another country so I would learn their language first, but in reality I was meant to be here!
Love to all

I moved from the E.U. to Ontario to be with my partner and I regret it more and more.
I feel like he’s trying to erase my culture, background and identity. He does it often because he’s afraid that if I think of what I left behind too much I’ll want to go back and eventually leave him. He doesn’t realize that is this exact behaviour that is making me regret my decision. I feel like I don’t even exist as a person any more. Like I have to lock all of my memories and identity in a closet as soon as I get here (where we live) and am forbidden from ever expressing any of it as he subtly but relentlessly forces his on me.
Not having had the opportunity to socialize much other than with his friends and family makes me feel like an outsider all the time. I’m starting to think it wasn’t worth it, I feel betrayed and tricked. I accepted to move for him because I could speak his language but he doesn’t speak mine so it seemed easier this way, but instead of being grateful and understanding and trying to meet me half way with our differences I feel like he’s using this opportunity to force every aspect of his culture and habits on me.
I’m so disappointed in him.
I love him so much I don’t want to give up, but I feel more and more like a fool who’s being taken advantage of every day.
I’m really depressed and bitter about this.

I can totally relate to this. I stumbled upon this when I googled “I don’t understand my husband’s traditions” right after his family ignored my traditions for Christmas. He’s Polish, I’m Mexican and we live in Mexico and we came to Canada to spend the holidays with his family, but they are very uptight when it comes to their traditions (which happen to be the opposite of mine) and they made me feel really bad about it. Even after we had agreed we’d do Polish Christmas on the 24 and Mexican Christmas the 25, they ignored me and got all the Polish food out for dinneron the 25, even after I had already prepared my dishes. My husband wants me to understand that’s how they do things but they refuse to learn about the way we do things, even making comments on why my way of doing things is wrong. Even though we all speak English, they speak Polish around me. My husband asks them to switch to English but they will always go back to Polish. And, of course, everything else is true. The expensive plane tickets, not being able to go anywhere else… I wish we could use the money we spend on plane tickets to buy a house but it’s not gonna happen. I love him, but I’m not sure how to feel about his family and the cultural differences.

Most of the complaints I read here not because they are married a foreigner, but they got the wrong person. It doesn’t mean to say marrying a foreigner is wrong. A married life can be wonderful with a foreigner or with somebody coming from same back ground. That all depends on you two.

Living in a small city and marrying a person in a big city from another country is not easy. Thoughts don’t match, lifestyle don’t match. Feel depressing alone and no family or relative nearby. I wish our relatives or family were in each other hometown.

I am an Anerican married to a Nigerian for 12 years. Everything on this list is true. I always joked that we could never live near my family or his be it would skew our compromises. He has traveled to Nigeria about 50 times in 8 years. He has now lived there for one year. And wants us to come live w him but I don’t want to. I am now contemplating divorce w three kids it’s very hard. But I feel like a semi- single mom already 🙁

Wow! Had no idea there would be a list this long of comments, all of us mostly sharing the same experience. It’s sad because the love is there but the living is so challenging for all of the reasons listed above. It’s also been an amazing experience at the same time. Yet, I will say I’d probably advise against marrying a foreigner…see these young women falling into that same romantic road and I just want to spend half an hour with them and give some wisdom!

Hi anne, im also a filipino ..i have the same experience as yours… i dont work i just stayed home taking care of our two kids. Iwant to work but my common law husband dont want me to work so when im sending money for my mother sometimes he complaining and it hurts me a lot.. i love my family. we live in a caribbean country and evry senior citizen here is a pensioner which philippines isnt like this…i agree with this posts. In times of trouble i need my family but they r too far from me. Worries is one thing too But no matter what we still love each other inspite of all differences that we have and the problems that we encounter..We still holding on each other..

, im a filipino ..i have the same experience as well.. i dont work i just stayed home taking care of our two kids. Iwant to work but my common law husband dont want me to work so when im sending money for my mother sometimes he complaining and it hurts me a lot.. i love my family. we live in a caribbean country and evry senior citizen here is a pensioner which philippines isnt like this…i agree with this posts. In times of trouble i need my family but they r too far from me. Worries is one thing too But no matter what we still love each other inspite of all differences that we have and the problems that we encounter..We still holding on each other..

I’m American (born in the Caribbean though) so I already have two cultures. I married a European and living here with him in his home country. Which is lovely, one of the landmarks of Europe, the city is beautiful and lively. But I dislike my life with him, he speaks English fluently and I speak his language well but we have mayor misunderstandings. I resent him for having his family close sometimes…his culture is Latin-based (as my Caribbean one is) but it’s still so different. We’re both close to our parents, he’s however close to his parents (his mom mainly) in a different way. Tells her EVERYTHING. He knows my feelings but I haven’t made a huge stink of it, it just makes me not want to be around them to witness it.

Many internal issues too…sigh. He has physically cheated on me. I think I’m unhappy. We’re fairly young, no kids. I think of the D word almost daily. It’s hard though, divorce is not in my culture, my Ps have been married for over 35 years (so are his) and here I am.. 2 years in and I want out? My eyes fill with tears as I read the comments, people who say that it’s all worth it but that’s not how I feel. People say they cannot imagine life with someone else but I sure can.

T Maria B, go find a good lawyer and apply for divorce. It’s your life, you only get one. So stop wasting it on a cheater. And it doesn’t matter what other people say or think, they are not in your shoes. You are lucky not to have children, as they seriously complicate matters when you want a divorce. Since you are the one who has given up on your country, your family, your friends, the least he could do is give you fidelity in return. He doesn’t deserve you. Dump the cheating mommy’s boy.

10. Far away from family. Yes, it sucks to be away from your family. But i thought the whole point of getting married was to spread your wings and start creating your own family w/ the person you chose.
9. Loss of holiday traditions. You shouldn’t think about what you lose. You should embrace your partner’s different culture, learn from it, educate yourself and feel lucky that it’s adding to your life instead of looking at it like it’s taking away something.
8. Cultural misunderstandings. I don’t even know what you mean by that. Six years w/ my boyfriend i’ve never encountered any cultural misunderstandings.
7. What if we divorce? Yeah, what if what if. What if the world ends tomorrow. Thinking about divorce before even getting married is definitely something you should do. A true recipe for success.
6. Learning the language. God forbid you expand your horizons and learn something new. I speak 5 foreign languages and when i met my bf and I tried to learn his language as well, i understand it’s not easy, but if i can do it, anyone can.
5. It takes a lot of work. So does life.
4. Never completely at home. Home is where your soulmate is.
3. The end of true vacations. If you miss your family back home as much as you say you do, then giving up your vacation in order to visit them shouldn’t feel like a chore.
2. Airplane flights are expensive. I agree. However, there’s a thing called money management. Plus your parents or whatever family you have can come and visit you too, you’re not the only one who needs to travel back and forth all the time.
1. At least one set of grandparents is always far away. If you’re planning on having kids that IS indeed a big problem. But i know many people who skype with their grandkids everyday and somehow make it work. I think it’s worse for the mother who could use an extra pair of hands to help with the kids on a daily basis. And even worse for the kids ofcourse, my grandma practically raised me and i love her more than anything in this world. I would love for my mom to be there for her grandkids like my grandma was there for me, but i made my choice, he is the person i love and wanna spend the rest of my life with, so together we’ll figure it out.

I think your list has some easy problems and some insoluble problems. The hardest: What if we have kids and divorce? An unfortunate friend had this question answered – by Sharia law, in Indonesia. I had it answered by a senseless judicial system in Thailand. The answers are often the same – foreigner pays support, but no one enforces his rights to see children, who become tools of blackmail. There is no solution to this except perhaps to marry someone from a country where parental rights are (1) viewed as equal and (2) enforced by law. But no one in the throws of romantic delusion thinks this far ahead.

I felt so relieved when I read this article and this comments, I even felt less uncomprehended. I was having a hard time with my husband and I was crying under my sheets (total cliche)
My husband is German and I’m Mexican, the cultural differences are huge. Also almost everyday I fight a lot to not feel useless and cheer myself up, I constantly tell myself that marriage isn’t supposed to be easy hence, also meant to fight for. And just when I finally make it, when I’m finally full of love and energy he comes home with the worst attitude. Cero tolerance, all that matters is his job and the things he does, he doesn’t even have 20 mins for me. To me it’s obvious he’s not enjoying his job or probably his life, like if I wouldn’t even exist. Only after the drama he realizes how sad he made me feel and he say sorry just to go to bed immediately, like… Really? Is this why I marry for? I left everything behind. I was very independen woman in a complicated city like Mexico City and now I’m living in a town, not able to work properly, learning German almost against my will and I feel extremely lonely some days. I don’t say “almost against my will” because I don’t like German, but because I feel so much pressure to learn as fast as possible that I get frustrated. I miss deeply my grandparents and my mother, I even left my dog and I feel the need to cry every time I go to take a walk alone. I guess I must just hope for the best and stay strong. Ah! And of course I always reply “everything’s fine” to the question “how’s the marriage going?” Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences, it’s a very awesome way to connect with people that you don’t even know! At the end we are not so different in this big world 🙂

Ah..I am from New Zealand and living in Germany with my husband and it is the same for me in every way you describe. I am starting to resent the german language too because there is so much pressure on me to learn it. It is no longer fun or interesting but frustrating and painstaking. All of his friends speak fluent english but nobody actually wants to speak it with me so I am left feeling isolated and paranoid that nobody like me. Last night I couldn’t sleep until 3am thinking about how his best friends look down on me and exclude me for my poor language skills (even though their english is perfect!). The girlfriends of these guys have all drunk and danced with me but make no effort to create a real friendship. Its awful. My self esteem is so low. I have never had a problem making friends in the past and even have been quite popular back at home.
I was previously very independent with many friends and a positive attitude but now I am so lonely and anxious and I feel like his patience is wearing thin. He thinks it’s my fault I haven’t made any friends and tells me I should go out clubbing by myself to connect to others. Can you believe it? Like I want to go out to night clubs alone, only to have annoying guys attach on to me. He gets all snooty about it like I have this problem with being to dependent on him..But i don’t think he is aware of the huge sacrifice I made moving here. I honestly thought we would make it our mission to go out and make friends together but he seems satisfied with the ones he already has. The language barrier alone is hard let alone being married to someone who wants me to fend for myself.
Right now he’s sleeping on the couch, we actually had a huge fight that has lasted for two days now all starting because he didn’t like the fact the I was using an app on my phone with german flash cards. He thinks I should write them out all by hand…all 3000 words….even though I study german full time (its a compulsory visa requirement) and do all my homework. The app was just supposed to be a fun add on for me that I thought of myself and I was pretty excited and happy to use it. But no it’s not good enough for him. He said he would rather me do nothing then use it. Why?? I could cry. I never wanted to spend a whole year learning a foreign language like my life depended on it but here I am.
On top of that -as you mentioned experiencing- I’ll put all my energy into being positive and upbeat, do a big work out at the gym, put on a nice dinner and he’ll just be grouchy and moody in return.
I feel like that is just immeasurably selfish when I try so hard…so hard to be positive even though I’m dying inside and he thinks its his right to fill the house up with bad energy. Like it just doesn’t cross his mind to try and make things easier for us by being positive. I’m so scared that I am seeing his father in him. A depressive russian man who regrets all his life choices and I just wonder is it this culture?…this german and russian culture that seems to be bent on being unhappy like you cant expect happiness from life. People on my side of the world are so much more optimistic. I am really, really starting to miss my culture and the free liberal feeling in my home country.
And I just don’t know if it will get better, he doesn’t handle stress well and studies full time at uni so I’m often alone while he studies in the library with his uni pals.
I clean the house, I cook, I go to the gym and I think. I think about how this was possibly a terrible and regrettable decision. We are both young enough to recover form a divorce. I cant believe I’m contemplating it… but but my mind has been so dark lately and sad.
Oh and possibly the worst and most condescending thing is sometimes when we fight he says “what have YOU got to be upset about??? I do all your paper work, make all the appointments, introduce you to all MY friends and I’m trying to study a degree so we can have a better life! How does your situation even compare!?”
It hurts so much that he thinks this way. The whole “MY” friends thing is particularly tough because it makes me feel like even more of an outsider, like some freaky burden and then of course he does all the paper work because its all in complicated german…but to make me feel bad about it? am I crazy? then he says “I would love to just sit around all day learning a language” which I know he absolutely would not if the shoe was on the other foot.
I just feel so miss balanced here and like we’re on uneven ground with each other.
I have no where to go though…no friends to stay with…
Of course same as you…I tell everyone “every things fine”…what else can you say?

If you need more specific advice on this relationship with a foreigner thing, there is a great brand-new forum site called international-relationship.com ! Check it out. I would love to see that come alive and be filled with posts since I do need advice at times with my international relationship. No registration needed for posts. The best of luck to the ones giving international relationships a chance! From I own expereiences I know it is tough and comes with lots of doubt!

Hi,
Feeling lucky to find this article. I am from India and married to an Indian boy who is living with his family in States. Its been 2 years now since I’m waiting for my interview for visa process but now I’m tired of everything. I mean we have stayed together hardly for 20 days in these 2 years. That’s a really hard time.

Though we love each other but there are lots and lots of differences that have taken up the place. Its really sad because, its only me who thinks this way, while my husband ignores. He says I’ll be fine once I get there to be with him.

But frankly, now I do not want to move to States. I can’t leave my family, my parents. I don’t have the guts. As the interview is getting closer I’ll wake up at midnight and feel so restless. It comes to my mind itself and feel like a nightmare is happening in real. I’ll be alone after leaving India. My friends, family, whom I am so close, I won’t be able to make up that again the same way. And my inlaws, they would never like me talking on phone to my friends.

Sometimes I feel I have got sick or some kind of a mentally upset girl. But the thought of shifting makes a hollow feeling inside ny heart. My husband just doesn’t understand and takes it very lightly and I can’t share this with anyone else. Do I need a psychiatrist? I doubt !

I’m African American married to a Tanzanian for 10yrs. I can honestly say that I romanticized the idea of marrying him very early in our relationship. I also knew he had some qualities that I was looking for: family oriented, committed to marriage, entrepreneur and willing to put up with my strong personality so I married him. We have two children, 11 and 7, and not a week goes by where I don’t wonder if I made a mistake marrying him. Sometimes the differences between us are so overwhelmingly discouraging that I toy around with the thought of divorce. Gender roles and expectations put a major strain on the marriage early on and while we’ve worked through some of them, the issues resurface from time to time which makes me believe they will never truly be resolved. He lives in my country but I’ve moved away from my family for work and so the kids have lost out on opportunities to grow up with thieir cousins, grandparents and extended family, and he really has no vested interest in moving closer to them so it’s just us as a nuclear family existing together which is hard on me during holidays and family events. I know I made a mistake when I married him, I was blinded by youth and possibility at the Tobit as years go by reality has set in that sometimes you need more than love and faith. We recently visited his family for 3 weeks in Tanzania and it was a sobering experience. I realized more clear our. Cultural differences and because I don’t speak Swahili, communication with his family was very difficult, I fear they will never come to know me or the children because of the language barrier. Once upon a time I tried to learn his language and was motivated to but I’ve lost all desire to do that as the marriage has taken its toll on me and has left me not wanting to make this commitment or investment in our marriage anymore. He never tried to teach the kids his language as he believes it is to hard to do so when there’s only one Swahili speaker in the house. Needless to say our trip to his home was spent visiting numerous realities and enduring hours on end of Swahili only the conversations which left the kids feeling left out and me even more resentful. Needless to say I really feel like I’m hanging on for the kids. I’ve lost a lot of my own identity trying to accommodate his culture and create new traditions and ways of life for us both and in the process I’ve lost a huge sense of myself that I am struggling to reconnect with. I have also at times complained to the kids about my frustrations with thieir father for which I feel horrible about because I don’t want them to resent him just because I’m unhappy about the choices I made. Would love to hear others’ thoughts on matter.

well I’m female in relationship with foreigner to . we both foreigner in this country . i have read all the post here. i have no problem with financial cos my parents still working and even if they retired their company always giving them full salary . now the problem is that .
1. both of our parents can’t speak english ( i don’t know how will they communicate )
2. Im not sure to if i want to move his country settle for good shakes
3. I didn’t wannat stay at home just taking care of kids only . Cos as long as I’m still young i wanna make a lot of money for the future. everything its getting expensive
4. my parents wish that me and my other sibling build some business so that even if we wanna help others not using our husband money cos thats usually makes huge fight . i know husband working for family ( well my parents fought me that and giving some experience of their married )
why lifes so complicated makes me afraid for getting married 🙁

Hello. It’s a very hard life for that kind of couples, mostly the first stage until you get trully understanding and adjustment. However your life it’s much richer than people who speak same language. I bet that you keep talking each other all your life about differences, explanations, deep discussions at the time most couples stop it at all and become strangers. I agree on what you said about true holidays (discover unknown places for joy and entertainment), instead of spending a lot of money, keep that idea on, go for a walk anywhere, take advantadge of the free visits, drive to close places only for fun with or without children, sometimes its needed a romantic love date to maintain alive what you feel, cinema, theatre, music or dance on the streets. The best of luck.

I’m a Filipina and married to an Italian. It’s really a struggle to me learning my husband’s language and he expects me learn it fast. I do try to learn and study but whenever I drown myself in the book I get so frustrated that my brain doesn’t comprehend it. I’m just very uoset and then feeling ashamed to myself bec I think I’m so dumb and stupid to not be able to learn now I’m living here for almost 6 months and this gives me a feeling of depression. Sometimes I find myself crying hard for this reason makes my self esteem really go down. I already told him to let me just enjoy learning the language but at the backmof my mind I know there’s a pressure. I just don’t understand why henput so stress on it when he himself learned English not until after two years his become fluent thanks to my help also. I just don’t know why I feel he is so hard on me. Plus he’s pushing me to what work do I want. I can’t even learn the language yet and then he is asking what I work. I’m a teacher in my country anyways so the frustration really hits me bad. I told him just let me learn his language and for sure from then I can find a job. I honestly want to work but how when this country doesn’t employ non Italian speaker. I really feel so bad for myself. I just hide it. But there’s that sharp pain like piercing knife in my chest whenever I thought of it. P.S. Would appreciate someone to reply maybe I get some advice. Thanks

It makes me feel a little bit better that there are so many people experiencing the same problems as me.
I am Portuguese and he is South African. I met him 4 years ago while I went to South Africa to do a university degree. My plan was to just study and come back home, but I met him right in the beginning and my life changed. We love each other so much that we decided to get married because it was the only option to stay together. By being married it allows me to stay here in SA for 2 years. But as the time goes Im starting to regret my decision. I don’t regret getting married at all but I regret choosing to stay in South Africa. I really don’t enjoy living here. It’s all good when you are studying, but making it a permanent thing just makes me go crazy. It’s way different from the culture in Portugal. Besides language and culture Portugal is way safer and just much better in terms of education, healthcare, etc. (actually, my husband totally agrees with this). He really wants to leave too. But he has his whole life here and a job. Besides, he’s only learning Portuguese now and it a gonna take him forever to get proficient enough to get a job in Portugal. I am feeling so depressed and trapped. I desperately want to go back to my country but I cannot rip him away from what he knows too. There is also a money issue. If I go back I would be the only person making money (which I really don’t mind) but I do not see my husband being happy about it as any husband would want to be independent and contribute equally to the family. But if I stay in South Africa the same happens but reversed. I speak the language perfectly and since I studied here I can get a job but the problem is that spousal visas do not freely give you permission to work. It is a very complicated process. Besides that priority is always given to South Africans when getting a job.
I am so stressed out. We literally had a big fight a few hours ago and that’s when I came across this article. I don’t know what to do. I am so unhappy here but I am scared once he goes to Portugal its gonna be way harder than he thinks! What if he starts to hate it years down the road just like I did here? I always wanted to live in a third country that is not ours, but it is expensive and way harder than it sounds! We are slowly building a life here, and I feel like I’m getting more and more unhappy. I love him with all my life but this is a huge sacrifice that I am making to be with him 🙁 Sometimes he doesn’t understand how unhappy I am because he is just having his normal life. Maybe he just needs to move to my country and see how it feels to be so separated from the life you had. It just seems like an unfair outcome for both of us regardless of which country we end up living. I am just hoping for the best. We are now currently in bed, not talking, upset with each other. I know tomorrow everything is going to be fine and back to normal, but in a few months I’m gonna go depressed again and say how much I want to go back home. It’s so unfair to him but it is unfair to me too.
Just gonna keep holding on. I wish all the best for the other couples and I hope I make someone else in a similar situation feel a little bit better too. xx

Awww girl, don’t be sp upset. Everything is going to be fine. The same is happening between me and my husband. Though we don’t live together yet. Its going to be 2 years of our marriage and we have spent hardly 15 days together. I am waiting for my visa to US. And I have all the doubts in my mind. I don’t want to leave India, my parents, friends. But have to. Its only girls who have the power to do these tasks. Take a deep breath and start finding the little bundles of joy. But keep your mind calm. I know its hard, I’ll have to go through the same though in few months. Be happy, have kids. Make them know about the culture of both. They’ll learn your language in speedy way than your husband. You’ll find happiness soon.

Thank you so much for the encouragement! That’s very nice of you 🙂
This morning i woke up with a different prespective.. while fighting yesterday my husband told “just appreciate the opportunity you have of being here, there are millions of girls that wish they could live somewhere else with the love of their lives, regardles of the country being better or worse than yours”. I was so upset i didn’t care about what he said, but to be honest its totally true. I feel really ungrateful now! Thank you so much for your advice <3

Do you plan to have kids there? If so, think ahead what challenges will come and if you are ready for them. If you regret further down the line you will be locked and in a much worse situation. Think ahead!

This was very interesting and very true. I am in the process of marrying an Englishman, and he coming to the US. We are going though a number of these points listed here. Sometimes you feel alone going through this, because people do not understand or have any point of reference, do not understand long distance like this, immigration etc. So it is hard to have a real conversation and express feelings about what you are going through. It was nice to read this and know I am not alone 🙂

I understand what this article was attempting to convey, but none of these are actual reasons to not marry the one you love. My fiance and i know we have so much ahead of us that will be hardship that we otherwise would not have incurred had we remained with partners in our own countries, but we also both couldn’t imagine having to walk through life without the other by our side. We knew we were meant for one another; there’s no amount of money or paperwork that can scare me away from that knowledge.

It has been difficult being a single father, especialy raising my daughter,my wife is from banbridge(ireland) buh we lived in africa,one day, she jst changed asking me to relocate to ireland, I told her I needed time to balance things here before we move,I want our daugther to have a feel of my culture , and also want to establish, so we can have something to come back to here, when we visit,she called me selfish, and walked out of our home, I have not heard or seen her over a year, may be she has moved back to her country, I love my daughter, and I no she needs a parent, not jst a dad, I work in a bank down here, and it is not easy being a dad and mom, for real.

There is some truth for me in this article. I am English and my wife is Colombian. We both live in the UK. Overall being married to someone from another country is fantastic and massively outweighs the challenges. However, I do long for us to go on holiday together somewhere new. I have dreams of visiting some countries but for the 6 years me and my wife have been together we have been to Colombia every year. I LOVE Colombia and in many ways I have enjoyed getting to know another country and culture really well but also there are some places I dream of visiting and I wonder if I ever will. I cannot deny my wife the chance to visit her family.

Still, like the writer of this article, I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

I’ve experienced these on various levels. I’m English and my wife is Brazilian: luckily she loves England and I love Brazil. We lived in California for 4 and a half years, and that was tough; miles from both families!

We recently moved to Brazil and my Portuguese has improved a lot! Again, we’re very lucky that we have groups of friends that are very inclusive and don’t leave either of us feeling like outsiders. Brazilians are good at that! Look forward to reading your other posts!

I agree with all of the authors points, and I wish I had read this before marrying a German 15 years ago. Now we’re divorced, and I am stuck in Berlin due to my three children (taking them back to the US would be considered kidnapping here).

I have a Master’s degree in Social Science, which is worth nothing in Germany, so not only am I stuck in a dead-end, low-income full-time job that barely keeps us afloat, but it’s also impossible for me to afford plane tickets home (haven’t seen my family in over 5 years).

To top it off, after being divorced for 6 years, I’d like to date… after this experience, preferably an American, but this is also difficult. I had a long distance relationship that ended in heartbreak when we both realized that he could never get a VISA to move to Berlin.

Hello, I read your story. I am in Austria stuck in a horrible relationship with someone who cannot communicate. We have no relationship. I have been a stay at home mum and I have 3 children, one who is only 6 and there are no childcare options here so if I leave I am stuck alone with no money, no job possibilities, no real friends, family so I stay and just put up with it… Not sure which option would be better some times.

I’m British, married to a American citizen currently living in the usa ive been here 5 years we have 2 children, I’m so home sick , I think is actually the most difficult is immigration process having to wait long periods of time to be legally aloud to leave . due to personal circumstances I applied within the usa . but in the miz my father in the uk suffered a bleed to the brain and a stroke I just want to go home. then even my country has laws coming in .. all that my husband would have to leave behind is own parents his mother who is dependant on us. so its a horrible catch 22 .. one always suffers a loss. I miss a lot of things even tho I’m happy in the usa … as we get older I cant help but feel its family we miss the most.

You know that everything depends on the person. One of my friends got married a foreign wife and now he is the happiest man in the world! Love does not require nationality , it requires the big feeling between two loving people!

I am married to a foreigner and I was the one who had to follow him home.
Not a day goes by where I don’t miss my country. I started this Facebook page for people who in the same boat. Please join if you are interested!

I think this is article contains many generalizations and negativity. First of all it depends on the person. For example not all people are home sick easily or attach to their families. I have been living in my fiancee’s country for the last three years. We have a great relationship and we are planning to marry next summer. I rarely feel homesick. Of course sometimes I miss my country but the feeling is not very strong. I do not have brothers or sisters so I have only parents and some other relatives in my country. I talk with them through Skype from time to time but not very often. I am not dying to be in contact with them all the time. I have disadvantage here since I still have not learnt the local language so communication with my fiancee’s family and friends is limited. But if people want to communicate with each other they always find a way. And I am willing to learn the local language although it is very hard for me. I attended language course and took private lessons. I do not think that I make a big sacrifice. It is necessary to learn the local language if you live in a foreign country. My fiancee makes me very happy and I do not regret that I left my country and my family for him. If the conditions were better in my country, I know that he could move there with me but actually I do not want to go back to my country. I can visit it whenever I want cos I can afford the flight tickets. Therefore, my case is different. So it also depends on the conditions. I think it is wrong to make generalizations. Just because your experience is bad, it does not mean that marrying to a foreigner would not work for other people. Many people are unhappy in their marriage although they are not married to foreigners. I think people tend to make things complicated and create problems. If a person is not right for you then s/he is not. It has nothing to do with nationality, religion, race and language etc.

As I wrote before we’ve been living together more than 3 year and recognized as a couple officially by the government of the country we’re living. You don’t need to be married here but we’ll marry anyway consider some advantages. So what I want to tell is a signature doesn’t change anything. We love each other, we support each other. If people are open minded and are not attached to their families and culture so much relationships would work. Just don’t marry a foreigner if you’re not ready to be away from your family or country. Also don’t marry a foreigner and bring him or her to your country if you’re not ready to support her in any case, understand what s/he feels and tolerate her/his culture. And be ready to sacrifice and compromise. It’s that simple. Of course these things require a true love. And I don’t think there is anything to laugh at. Just because some people aren’t happy in their marriages/relationships shouldn’t assume that it won’t work for others. Believe or not some people make it.

I read below that your husband’s friends don’t like you. I can understand your frustration now. I don’t this problem since I’m liked by my future husband’s friends and family very much. Although I don’t speak the local language, it’s been 3 years BTW still can’t speak it, they try to talk to me in English and ashamed that their English is not good. I should be the one ashamed instead. So my environment is totally different here. I’d like to repeat it again, it’s different for every couple.

I’m first generation American but Chilean/Cuban. Married for four years now to my Colombian Husband. We met at the university here in the USA.

I’m currently in Colombia and trying not to cry my eyes out again. We have fought numerous times over the month and I just don’t know what to do! I’m so glad I found this site because I felt like I was the only one experiencing this problem!

All of his family live in Colombia & though we are both Latinos, it’s soooo different than what I’m use to. My Spanish is probably 70% decent with some slang thrown in there but half the time I can’t understand these various Colombian accents and jokes! I feel so alone every time we visit his family. I hate this feeling! Plus I’m very white so I’m treated different here- Colombians would rather speak to my husband while shopping than me. When the family gets together for dinner and drinks, I’m usually sitting by myself in silence not understanding their slang or differences. Sometimes I would disappear to cry and try to return to the party. It’s horrible. Only good part about the gatherings is when I can dance my heart out. But conversations? I’m usually not included. I’ve noticed this a lot with Colombians who rather stick in cliques to speak rather than inviting others over.

Some of his family has been welcoming but they treat me as if I’m some strange creature. Plus his mother in law HATES me and views all my cultural norms as “uneducated” and “ugly”. It seems Colombian people view more carribean gente as crude and since I have more of a Cuban accent, I’m essentially screwed.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. But now my husband is worried about our future and maybe kids since I can’t seem to fit in or connect with his mother. It puts me in a very frustrating situation because what can I do? I can’t help if I’m different! I even detest the food here but I try my best not to appear different or somehow spoiled in their eyes. I can’t even walk down these streets without worrying about being robbed. Colombia is safer but not safe enough especially for people like me who obviously doesn’t look or sound Colombian. Lots of violence here too. People fight in the streets just over road rage. Police corruption too.

I can’t even express all of my experiences and frustrations right now. They must seem so petty. But my husband talks about moving to Colombia in the future or having his aunts and Mom living with us to raise future kids and my heart sinks. I tried speaking with him about all of this and ask for compassion on his side but it seems many Colombian men are very attached to their mothers and have a hard time to understanding my stance. He admits his mother has been nasty towards me but still is worried about our future together.

I’m now doubting this relationship. Can it last with of all our differences and his expectations for the future? Clearly I won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with his mother. And I don’t want to live in this country! I don’t even want to return for vacation next time! Three weeks saved vacation from all my hard work to feel depressed in another country and belittled by his Mother? Arg.

I’m so happy we are leaving tomorrow. But I still can’t stop crying when I reflect on this trip. Just horrible.

Oh god, I am so sorry for you! I can really empathize with you, awful isn’t it to not be able to understand what they are talking about or just not click in general with the in laws and friends/community.
I could not live with mine….no way. Na uh. And they’re not that bad….I just wouldn’t feel comfortable or at peace. I wish I could offer some advice but all these situations are so unique and unpredictable.
I’m just trying really hard every day to learn my husbands language so that his friends may like me more…they ALL speak fluent english but unfortunately for me they are not at all pleased about speaking it and I can feel them all looking down on me and judging me for not learning to speak their language sooner or faster.
Its hard for me because I though the fact we all spoke english would be good enough and I would just chip slowly away at the language barrier at my own pace and just because i’m interested in it….But now I feel desperate to speak it, like it will be my only chance to survive and integrate into this hell hole. No joke last night I couldn’t sleep until 3am thinking about how none of my husband’s best friends seem to like me and probably talk about me behind my back. Such an awful feeling.

I feel sorry for you. But let me tell you something: what starts wrong ends wrong.
Run before you have kids. Unless you guys manage to find a place where both of you are happy (neutral ground?) and all, it sounds like yet another divorce story down the road. Sort this out before you have kids.

Hi,
I am engaged to a spanish boy and we want to live in the States. I am american born, but I have been living in Madrid for 10 years now. My parents moved back when I was in college and I decided to stay. I met him, fall in love and now we want to get married but I am afraid of going back to the States and secondly, moving from Spain ( I am sure he is going to be homesick sooner that he expects).

We thought that marrying in the States was the best option, (we want my granny to be there and she can not handle an eight hour flight), but, my gosh… It is so hard! The paperwork is endless. We have to apply for a fiancee visa, and later apply for his green card. I have found this information https://www.usimmigration.org/forms/i-129-f-fiance-k1-visa but I want to know if someone has done it, how long does it itake more or less? The answer I get the most is: it depends. They have to study your case.

My husband is from Italy and we got married in August 2016. He already had a H1 visa and was living here when we met. We applied for the visa status change and green card and it was a long and expensive process that still is not done. I would highly recommend you take the time to save money (it’s $2000) and to allot a large chunk of time to go over all of the paperwork (and then go over it again.) You have to prove that you will have enough income and make a certain percentage above the poverty line (normally it is 125%) for your state. This can be a problem if you or him don’t have a large income. I had just quit my job to go back to school and we had to include his income in it as well. If you do not make enough money you will need to include other people in the paperwork vouching for you. I cannot speak to that. We did fill out the paperwork in January and got a Request for Evidence back from Homeland Security. We had a typo in our original form so we had to scutinize over the paperwork again and fix all these issues. It has been 2 months and we still haven’t heard anything back!

My fiancé and I are in a similar situation. He is British and I am American. After speaking to some others and doing a little research, we have decided to get legally married in England and have our religious ceremony and reception in the states.

Most likely it will take a couple of months for our legal marriage to take places and the. I believe it’s about nine months for his green card.

It’s a complicated process but we are hoping to continue our life as is in England until the green card is finalised and then move to the states.

Not sure if this wiuld work for you but we are going it works out alright for us.

I met my husband on a video game nearly 10 years ago. He is from Germany and I am from Michigan. When we decided to meet in person in 2012 I was excited and nervous.

I left in November to Germany for two weeks. I fell head over heels for him, (some) his family, the culture and obviously the food! I moved overy in February 2013.

The connection we had was amazing. We laughed a lot, talked more and mostly fell in love with each other deeper every day.

I knew next to no German, had no job or vehicle, lived 15 minutes via autobahn outside of the nearest city, had no friends and his closest family member was a 45 minute drive via autobahn. Slowly but surely, with him at work all day, I became bored, anxious, irritable and above all else, lonely.

We married in August. My parents went over for the wedding but none of my other family members or any of my friends. Until my parents arrived I had not realized just how much I missed the home that I yearned to escape for so longoing.

To make matters worse, meer days after the wedding, after my parents left, I was admitted into the hospital. I had gall stones and needed my gallbladder removed. Mind you, I spoke very limited and broken German. Trying to explain my pain and other symptoms and waiting for my husband to translate, relay, listen, translate and relay back to me was excruciating. The surgery went well though. They stay afterward however was horrible. I knew a couple of the nurses could speak English by their body language when I spoke to them; they would not speak it with me though. A year later I went through the same ordeal. That time however, I stayed for 7 days instead of 5 and had a 5 inch long incision on my throat and had a hard time speaking at all.

In between the two surgeries I had started taking German language classes. I knew enough to get by and hold small conversations.

My husband encouraged me but also made fun of me when I enunciated incorrectly or used the wrong gender. My mother in law and her husband were and still are patient and kind with me. She speaks English rather well too. Between the two of us we can actually talk for hours. My father in law and his wife on the other hand, we’re never welcoming nor were they as encouraging to help me acclimate to the language or culture. Cold if you will.

Amongst all of this I had to face things that were different than the morals, ethics, politics, laws and culture that had been instilled in me my entire life. One such instance includes going out to eat. Germans don’t do it nearly as often as Americans. When they do its for coffee or a meal that consists of at least a couple of hours of conversation. The waiters and waitresses are not as involved with their customers either. I come from a small town and our waitresses practically sit with us for the meal!

The way Germans spend (or don’t) was different to me as well. Rule of thumb is that they do not have any debt. If we fast forward to today, my husband and I are back in the states. We have a house, two vehicles, credit cards and student loans which amount to approximately $120,000.00 in debt. This sickens my husband and I’m over here like “I’m sorry America revolves on credit.” This fact alone is the very basis for 90% of our marital problems.

Moving back to the states took some convincing. I could not handle all of the feelings I mentioned before, any longer. My husband is now working here and I had to release myself from working due to various health issues. I see his father in him when he gets upset with me over things such as housework or money. His father instilled into him that a woman’s place is in the home and working on said home alone or contribute using monetarily. I on the other hand was taught to share responsibilities evenly. It is hard to level with someone else in general. Throw in two different cultural backgrounds, two extremely different upbringing styles and two excessively stubborn people; you get a difficult marriage.

At this very moment we are on a hiatus from one another. Life’s stressors have gotten to both of us. We are both taking this time to reevaluate our lives separately as well as a couple. Thankfully we are already making progress.

Regardless of all of the above, marriage is hard. Marriage is work. You loved each other at some point, don’t let the reasons for that love slip your mind. You don’t just let something slip from your hands if it starts to get heavy; you find something to help you support that weight and push on once you are able.

Hi can anyone give me any advice. I’m 19 year old girl 100% in love with my boyfriend from Ethiopia. His culture is very rich and different than what culture we don’t have in America. Almost every time we have a meaningful conversation he says he hates America. You know the story of coming here for opportunity but being faced with reality. We been together for a year, no marriage no kids. No attatchments besides the true love. We really love each other and I never want to lose him. But when you love someone you want them to be happy right I don’t want to be selfish. If he will never be happy here why will I want him to stay here? He wants to stay for me but It makes me unhappy to know he is not happy. Right now we are young and do not live together or make a living. When we get there it will be better but I feel like even when he accomplishes this “American dream life” he still won’t be happy here because it just will never be like Africa. I would live there with him but I would leave behind my huge loving family. I’m just hurt at this point that I can’t satisfy him enough right now. If anyone can make any suggestions.

Reading through this reminded me of myself about 10 years ago. I was engaged with someone from Pakistan for 3 years, with mine and my parents consent, but then I fell in love with him. He wanted to come to America but never live in America forever. I was okay with it at that time, I was just so in love, all I wanted was to make his happy, wherever he was happy i felt I would also be okay with it. Fastforward to wedding time, I got married, stayed in Pakistan for 15 months, likes it there but still didn’t really understand what I was getting myself into. I came back to the US, I got my first real job, I was earning on my own, the independence and the fact that I could do things myself without anyone else’s help, I didn’t have to ask anyone for money, I could afford a house, a car, anything I wanted with my own money. My husband immigrated to the US, at first very excited, then started the fights and the pains and the arguments of him wanting to go back to Pakistan where he left his childhood friends, family, siblings, basically his life as he knew it, all for me. His comments make me feel guilty, I am unhappy to see him unhappy, I have put all of my own things on the back burner to somehow make him happy and make him stay here, but nothing works. We were not planning kids, but now our baby is due in November 2017, he loves me, i love him, but he wants to go back and live in Pakistan and I don’t want to. I want to raise my kids here, where there is job security, clean air, good education and schooling, but he wants his kids to grow up near his family. My life, where its going, i have no idea. I am tired, and stressed out, I keep thinking of where my life is headed. I have cultural and family restrictions, I will give this marriage my everything and depend on God to make it fair for me. Think it through, I wish I had married someone who lived in America, someone who grew up here and could live here and had family here, someone who was fair to both sides of the family and not considered his family better than the wive’s (the girl is supposed to leave her family behind and adjust into the guy’s family according to the system that my husband grew up in) there are so many things we don’t agree on, and it comes down to me giving in 90% and him giving in only 10%. I am not saying that your love for him is not special or important, i still love my husband, more than he has ever loved me, but it gets very hard when you can’t find common ground on simple daily life things. Please think it through, talk about these things with your boyfriend, and if it is written that you two will be together, you will be able to cope with everything because God will give you strength. I will keep you in my prayers my love, and things will work out for the best even if we don’t understand them at the moment.

The troubles that I have with marrying a person from another country is with language.

Her brother has been living with us for over 5years and until a marriage breakdown no matter how many times I expressed annoyance with not knowing what they were talking about when they were speaking their native language around me they just ignored my feelings.
Then it was either divorce or basic respect and speak english around me. Now after less than a week they are going back into speaking their native tongue again. They speak alot more english but whenever they speak Tagalog it just pisses me off to the point where I am angry.
Now I really do wish that I knew of these repercussions when I agreed to the relationship with her brother.

11. When your clingy mother in law who couldn’t understand nor accept your culture and parenting method wants to come and stay for a few days, and then refused to leave afterwards…like ‘please don’t ask me to leave’ in tears, while her house is just 5 min walk down the street…

Yes to Chelle F!: “The way Germans spend (or don’t) was different to me as well. Rule of thumb is that they do not have any debt. If we fast forward to today, my husband and I are back in the states. We have a house, two vehicles, credit cards and student loans which amount to approximately $120,000.00 in debt. This sickens my husband and I’m over here like “I’m sorry America revolves on credit.” This fact alone is the very basis for 90% of our marital problems.”

Completely agree with this statement and this article. You need to know what you are getting yourself into especially with financial cultural issues.

Financial story:
After a terrible experience at a corporate company for 3.5 years, I, the American, decided to go back to grad school. I certainly did not have the money to pay for school in its entirety and assumed my Italian boyfriend, now husband, knew the costs (25k per year). It was a lot of money but I didn’t have any other school loans and was OK with it. After another discussion, my Italian discovered the cost of schooling for a Master’s degree in the U.S. and the he couldn’t sleep at night! Meanwhile, I slept very well with the thought of a new future!

TO THIS DAY he still says that I should have kept the corporate job (where I was miserable and depressed) over going into debt. I actually ended up dropping out of school again (he was on a one year job contract & I we just couldn’t risk not being able to pay the rent!) for another full-time job.

Most Europeans do not understand the complexity of higher education costs in America. It is easy for him to say “just take whatever job you have” because he has a PhD from Italy and ZERO debt.

He also has never had any other job than his current job where as I have had just about every lousy job (food service, retail, etc) under the sun starting from when I was 15 yrs old! In this way, he is close-minded, he does not have the work experience that most Americans have throughout their lives because he lived with his parents all through college and had no bills to pay on his own. (I still envy students who do not have to work and go to school full-time!)

I would love to get a PhD but he doesn’t provide any support for me going back to school again.

This broke my heart…:-(
I have been married for one year now, very fresh I know….my husband is German and I am from the other side (literally) of the world. I am so lonely here in Germany, I miss my friends and family and my country..I spend every day learning the german language just so I can integrate better. But its very, very hard..I haven’t made friends here yet (in a whole year!—insane!) and I worry that I wont be able too. I think sometimes with that, with perfect german or some sort of university course where I could meet like minded people (sadly I’m not qualified for uni here) it would be possible but part of me is worried that this is just married life. To make matters worse I feel like his patience is wearing thin, he feels guilty and both of us are starting to feel the magnitude of our decision. We are only in our 20’s…i’ve been thinking it may be better to cut ties before we have kids or something…while we can still move on and repair our lives relatively easily…isn’t that grim? The worst thing is, if we have a fight, I have nowhere to go. I could go to a hostel I suppose but it would be a waste of money in the end and I wouldn’t have any privacy you know…so I’m literally just stuck here by myself. Its a very weird and sad situation. I would never wish it on another person.

Hey Laura first of all I want to say take a deep breathe because it will be ok! I think you should weigh out the positive and the not so positive aspects of the relationship including the location. You could visit family and friends. I don’t think marriage has to be settling if you are not satisfied. You seem to have a clear conscious and you are good enough to find love again if that was where it led. Sometimes we have to let go of things for the best it does not mean they have to end on bad terms. Trust me I know how hard it is to let go of such a strong connection and feeling but things will get better. You did not mention anything positive so I would suggest before you invest to much of yourself take it as an experience and grow from it but go chase your happiness it is your life. There are others ways to work things out but cost money like traveling and classes. Please just weigh out your options positive and negative I think if you guys did it together there will be support and a mutual understanding. Idk if you are a believer but god is with you he put you here and he feels you and knows what you are going through so also utilize god it helps when we are lost god can bring happiness he gave us this life.

I know exactly what you mean. Itm Portuguese, and i have just separated from a South African while living in South Africa. Even though I have lost my family and have no friends I am excited about starting a new life (I am only 24 years old). I did decide to separate before we would have kids. If you feel the same way just do it! The worst is to involve other human beings into something that is just not seeming like it’s gonna work. Don’t listen to anybody else, everyone will tell you that kids will make the relationship stroger, well, that doesn’t work when either partner is from across the world. I just pictured myself having a kid in South Africa, then the relationship doesn’t work, and then you are left completely alone in a foreign country with a child to raise. Then you would want to take your kid back to your home country, but then that would deprive the child from being with the father and his family. Because its so far away you cant just take a quick plane back and forth.
Trust me, I know it hurts now but it will pay off in the future. There was nothing I wanted more than having a kid with my husband, I think he would be the greatest dad in the world, but sometimes people must be rational and think with their head and not with their heart. Having a child changes your life forever and if the circumstances are not the best, then don’t do it for the sake of the child and the husband. I know it sounds harsh, but trust me, it will work out in the end 🙂

Hi Laura, I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year (he is English and I am from the US). He’s been living here with me all this time but has recently returned home as he was missing family and friends. The understanding is that I will join him for graduate school in the UK and then afterwards we will return to the states to live and work. This all sounds fine, but I know he has been very unhappy in the US and doesn’t want to live far from aging parents and family (neither do I! I am very close with mine). Reading all of these comments has made me feel hopeless and like maybe the best thing would be to go our separate ways while we are still in our 20s and before we have children. I am feeling anxious/sad as I was looking forward so much to an exciting year studying and adventuring with the one I love but cannot help thinking about what problems, expenses, and emotional pain the future may hold for us as an international couple.

Hello everyone,
I can, in one way or another, relate to this article and each and every post on this forum. I am a Muslim and a Pakistani but have lived in US since the age of 10 (now 27). I am married to Pakistani Muslim who was born and raised in Pakistan till he moved to the US 2 years ago. We have been married for 4 years and our first born is due in November 2017. Now you all might think that we are both Pakistani, both Muslim, both born in Pakistan, so what is the issue here. You see the issue is that we are from two different cultural sects within Pakistan, his family is very modernized and advanced but still close minded where my family is very religious but very open minded. Ever since my husband moved to the US, he hates it here, he hates the silence, he hates not being able to see him friends and family, and the biggest thing he hates is why is it that my family is nearby and his family is so far away when it should be the other way around (according to the Pakistani culture the girl goes to the guy’s family after marriage.) My husband is the only child, his mother has been staying with us in the US for 9 months now and my family rarely visits even though they live right around the corner to my house. To make the long story short, he wants to take our new born back to Pakistan, and stay there permanently and I am not allowing that. I grew up in America so I have studied, I am independent, I have job, we have a house together, my husband also has a good job, but his constant complaint of not wanting to stay here just kills me inside as to where my life is going go. I feel sinful for not being happy that I am pregnant. I don’t want to live in Pakistan and not have a good future for my kids, but no matter what I do to make my husband happy, he is not content and always says or does something in return that hurts me. I also get tired of working all the time, who doesn’t, and we do take time off and go places and take small vacations, but nothing is good for him. I don’t know what will happen after we have our baby, I love him, but the love that he had for me is gone in the midst of him missing his friends and family so much.
The only thing that keeps me going is a quote from our Holy book that says ‘God loves you 70 times more than your own mother (imagine how much your mother loves you and times that by 70, so if He has chosen something for you, how can it be wrong”

I feel for you. You have been enlightened. You understand the desolate life you and your children will live in Pakistan. Unfortunately, you and your husband value different things. Shared values and prinicples is what makes a strong relationship. Not one’s birth place.

I love your quote, “God loves 70 times more than your own mother.” You ask why he has brought you to this situation? I’d say to grow, to learn. I’d be asking myself, “what is the lesson for me to learn?” Maybe, to have the courage to …. leave, to believe in myself, to have the confidence in my own intuition to take action to protect not just myself, but my children. I’d be asking, “God, what do you want me to do?” Asking those around me from the same cultural background might not be very conducive to an acceptable solution. They’d be coming from the same paradigmatic thinking….

One thing we cay in Christianity, and it might help, “If God brings us to it, he will bring us through it.”

Thank you for your comforting comment Yoshiro. I am constantly struggling through daily routine, trying my best to keep my relationship, and my household together. I know that whatever happens, even if we do not like it, is better for us because God has chosen it for us. But at times, it is very difficult to have faith but I try, if I slip for a while and start questioning WHY, I wind myself back to God and tell myself that no matter what, God only wants what’s best for me.

I pray that God eases my difficulties, and your, and everyone else who is struggling.

What you are going through is tough.. never forget though: Allah does not charge a soul more than it can handle. (Quran)

Keep asking Allahs forgivness for any sins and send blessings on the Prophet salllallahualayhiwasllam– as these 2 things make a way out for a person, when every door seems closed! Never leave your prayers, you will find solace in them…Seek help through patience and prayer. No matter what always love Allah and be fearful to sin… because whoever fears Allah and refrains from sins as much as they can, then Allah will make a way out for them (its a lesson from Quran).

Try to be calm and ask for the best destiny for this life and hereafter and whatever leads to that.. whether it be pakistan or US. You never know maybe your husband will change his mind and bring you back. Maybe you will find more solace over there.. things will change after your baby.

ANd never forget..after hardship comes ease <3

Youhusband does not hate you.. as u said its because he is finding it hard to deal with new country etc..

Keep reading and listening to surah Sharh (also known as inshirah) you will feel more peace and serenity inshaAllah 🙂

Never forget.. Allah is the one who made us.. He knows whats going on, dont be shy to always tell him how you.. converse with Him, and recognise that He is powerful <3

I have my own issues too trying to strive through.. not easy.. but Allah knows best.. pray for me too

What you wrote above is of great comfort to me. Thank you so much for understanding what I am going through. I constantly pray, seek forgiveness, and strive my best to be a good muslim for the sake of Allah. I also try my best to keep my husband happy, to keep my marriage intact, all for the sake of Allah. When I pray, I converse with my creator, I say what I wish for but then I also acknowledge His divine decree, and then I pray that He makes it easy for me to accept whatever has been written for me and make my heart at peace with anything that happens. I want to provide my children with all the facilities I had growing up, I pray to Allah that He, with His wisdom and rahmat, change my husband’s heart and mind, ameen. I know for sure He will give me what I want but in a way that is not humanly imaginable.

There are so many other things I am going through along with what I wrote above. But I make myself look at people below me who have not even a drop of water to drink and make myself thank the Almighty for everything. I will keep you in my prayers sister, I hope He eases your pain and difficulties and grants your wishes in a better way, ameen.

I have been married 38 years to a foreign woman. I have known her for 40 years. Looking back at it, we both acknowledge we were very selfish. We have negatively impacted two families, and our children for the reasons you stated above. Oh, we love each other and have had experiences and lessons that we wouldn’t of marrying the boy/girl next door. It is not worth it. And I don’t care how the Beatles song goes, “All you need is love,” is a bunch of BS. If I had it all to do over again, I would NOT do it. Still love her immensley, but stil lwouldn’t do it having experienced what I have and knowing what I know now. In this situation, I suggest leading with your head and not with your heart. And definitely, don’t let your animal instincts lead you.

Hi everyone! I liked this article and reading comments was so interesting. I thought that it’s not only me who struggles with international relationship. I was raised in Europe but I’m half Japanese. I’ve met my bf in Japan while I was studying, 3 years ago. He is Chinese. He is very kind and lovely person. We were dating for last 3 years, and at first we were supposed to stay together in Japan, but with time he started suggesting that in China we would have better future. I was very reluctant to agree to this because I enjoy being in Japan and after couple of visits in China I didn’t like it. But because it was difficult to find proper job in Japan we decided to try living in his country. I went to China just two month ago and this were the loneliest 2 month in my life. I can speak 3 languages but I can’t speak Chinese. His parents don’t speak English or any other language I know, and his friends English is so poor that it’s impossible to make real conversation. My family and friends, everything I knew is gone. Additionally I don’t particularly like Chinese food and we are living in provincial developing city. I grew up in capital city so it’s huge difference for me. We are engaged but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to find here happiness. I was looking for a job for a while and soon I’ll start working. I hope it can change how I feel at the moment. i belive that he will be happy here. His family, friends and good job connections are here. As for me all I’ve got is him. And it seems that is not enough. Also living with his parents drives me crazy. Whatever they say is treated as law. I’ll try my best to adjust but I don’t have much confidence about being able to live here.

I am Mexican and my wife is Japanese. I grew up in Mexico until 11 years old when my mother re-married with an American man (the stupidest and worst mistake she ever made) and moved to the USA. Her marriage ended in divorce due that the American man who she married turned out to be an abusive, narrow minded and controlling guy (we could not speak Spanish as he feared we could “conspire” against him, did not allow us to go to Mexico for vacation, never wanted to learn Spanish or our culture). It was a living Hell living with that man, and his family did not accepted us (this man’s sister was jealous of my mum because she looked younger than her age, skinny, beautiful and she was fat, dressed like a slob and not a physically attractive woman). Personally, I never liked the man and I never trusted him and I had a feeling he was shady and he was not what he pretended to be.

Unlike most of the Mexicans that immigrate to the US, in my case, I come from an upper middle class background in Mexico, both of my parents are well educated, dress stylish. We did not moved to the USA for a better life but due to my former stepfather’s contract ended in Mexico.

It was a living Hell living in the USA. I felt very depressed, had suicidal thoughts constantly, very aggressive temper, very stressed out, angry, spiteful. I never liked the American culture, mentality, food, weather, and making friends with Americans is really difficult. Superficially, they might seem open minded and tolerant, but not really. They are far from what they often boast and preach. A lot of hypocresy from their part.

Because the area where I lived were very few foreigners, I did not dated much in middle school and high school due that American girls often do not like foreign men, and even though I have light olive skin, dress stylish, good looking, come from a good socioeconomic background, and do not look physically like the stereotypical Mexican immigrant that goes to USA, they could tell I was Hispanic due to my accent and often asked me ignorant questions about Mexico like if I wore a sombrero, or if we have malls, internet, or assumed I was poor or liked fat white women (personally, I am only attracted to slender girls or at the most hourglass figure as myself I am slender) without getting to know me as a person. I find that very rude and ignorant.

Because of this reason with American girls and the bad experiences with my American stepfather,I preferred to date more the few foreigners were I lived (Arab girls, Russian girls, and Turkish girls primarily) as I had more in common with them and had similar experiences with mine or with Mexican girls of the same socioeconomic status like mine.

I met my wife on internet. She was living in Japan, whilst I finished my bachelor’s degree in USA.I was in my last year. We fell in love right away. We Skyped, sent each other gifts, and phone calls constantly. After I graduated from university, I decided to go back to Mexico as I grew up tired of feeling lonely, miserable, spiteful, depressed, bored and angry in the USA. I also bought my wife’s ticket to come here to Mexico and meet for the first time in real life. I picked her up at the airport, and we were very happy. We got married months later.

I will say we had our ups and downs. What she likes about me as a Latin guy is that I am passionate, romantic, persistent (I never take no for an answer), hard working, family oriented, chivalrous, dress stylish, warm, open, whilst for me I admire her physical beauty (she is actually tall and long legged, which is not common for Japanese women), femininity, intellect, practicality, ambitious,reliability, and stylish dress. The downsides we have had sometimes is that my wife does not like at times I am a jealous guy, can be stubborn, hot tempered,, demanding emotionally, whilst for me sometimes I cannot stand her bossy, cold, strong temper, narrow minded views.

But despite this, my wife has liked my country and she learned how to cook Mexican food, likes my country, my family, and she actually told me she prefers Mexico more than the USA (she also had bad experiences in the USA, even though she stayed there short term). We have overcome the challenges that we had faced, and I feel, very happy with her as she never stereotyped me negatively and accepted me for who I am, and her family also likes me. I am very skeptic this would had been the case if this was with an American girl.

We actually do get nasty stares sometimes in Mexico. A few times from Mexican girls towards my wife, but mostly is from White American guys who stare at me with envy/jealousy as why this Asian woman is with this Light Skin Hispanic (my wife also notice that when this happens) and that many White American men likes Asian girls. My wife personally hates that stereotype and prefers more Latino or Mediterranean men not only physically, but because in her experience, we are more chivalrous and do not objectify women because of her race like some White American guys tend to do. So we both have similar experiences.

I cannot say I am very happy now first time in a long time in my life.

I am a foreigner. Every day I live with my husband and my step-son, trying to be a good wife, good step-mom, support them in everything and at the same time working hard to assimilate, get better English, better job, friends, feel home.. Never ever thought in my hardest times that I should never done this. I love my husband and happy that we can be together, there are differenses, but I was getting married not to divorce, I am married forever, I am working on my relationships, and I am not going to give up on it in tough times. We are happy together and that is why the majority of listed reasons are not matter: expensive flights (invite relatives to your place), work hard on relationships(when we are not supposed to work hard on relationships? In firing relationships sometimes it is easier to forgive each other because it doesn’t worth it to fight you flight across the globe to be together, there is more to it than to fight over little things), Lenguage ( you learn together each other languages, having fun with it, talk, wright emails, cards. My husband looooved to teach me his culture, Lenguage, because he new I am interested and he was excited to share all, same thing with me. You can go to ESL free classes for foreigners to learn English and get to know even more people who are in the same boat, now you have people with whom you share something in common and at the same time getting new friends), never at home (well there is skype, what’s app and etc, I see my family and friends any time I want. it’s all about attitude, you picked your life, you can’t change it, change your attitude to situation. My husband’s family is great, my father in law took me like daughter, I love him dearly and he pays back the same. Sister in law is my friend. The problem is not the foreigners but the locals who treat us as foreigners.. I have great friends who treat me and see me as a person and I know a lot of people who treat me as foreigner and the don’t make me feel comfortable. But all I need and care about are my local and foreign friends who treat me equally), holidays (My husband and I are celebrating holidays of both countries and just having fun with it), what to do with the kids ( well.. I got married forever)…. etc.. I can go on and on about it, but all I can say is that is all about personality and attitude.. if you want to do and you have no doubts,do it, if you have any of listed fears you should probably pass on it…
Maybe it’s just me, because I don’t regret or never give up, I love adventure, live 1 step forward, no steps back. I took this part of my life as advanture and chance to be with my love, chance to change, learn and grow, I see nothing but positive out of this experience. There is no rule or list or things why you shouldn’t get married foreigner. It’s amazing and exiting to have chance in your life to learn something and someone different.

“Despite this list of reasons why international marriage can be tough at times, I would never, ever exchange it for anything else” Then your title, “10 reasons why you should not marry a foreigner like i did” is misleading no? 🙁

There’s generally going to be different ways of looking at things in a multilingual family, but that can be a either a strength or weakness, or both, depending on the circumstances. Being patient with each other helps, and I think knowing at least some of each other’s native language helps (some spouses use a third language, often the local one) to communicate.

Can I get your perspectives on something based on your experiences and those of others you may know? I’m a middle aged, divorced father of three, middle aged, and would like to meet a woman who wants not only to have kids, but to have a large family with me. My first marriage was an international one, but language and culture played a neutral role (I’m from North America, and she is European, and we spoke each other’s native language). Does anyone have any thoughts on how I can avoid pitfalls since my situation is more complex than that of a young guy with no kids? Obviously having a common langauge is important. I’m not religious, but I’d be open to a spouse that is somewhat religious, and, while it doesn’t matter to me where she comes from, I want her to be focused on our family, not her extended family.

My fiancé is British and I am American. I feel guilty for being an only child who left loving parents and grandparents for the last three years. I also feel guilt for my future in-laws because we are planning to move back to the states when we are married and I feel guilty taking there son away (not that we wouldn’t ever move back or come visit often).

I also for guilt because I know my fiancé moving to the states is going to be more difficult than he anticipates.

I am trying to focus on my fiancé as my family and that we will have to do what is best for us and our family (when it comes) rather that the families we came from. Not easy and I feel very selfish.

Needless to say these relationships are not easy. But if they were easy then everyone would do it. I am convinced that the reward outweighs the the guilt and difficulties. I am determined to make this marriage work despite the challenges that I know we are facing.

To those of you who have done it and have been successful, well done. I would happily take any advice you can offer.

This post sounds very real and exactly everything I have anticipated in my marriage. I am in my 30s and marrying an English citizen. While he is the most adorable and loving person I have ever known, I worry about my parents being left alone in India. He loves them and care about them a lot ( they love him dearly)but it is going to be a heartache to see them grow old without me around to take care of them. I would never think of marrying any one else though. We are perfect for each other. Yet sometimes I wish it wasn’t that difficult a choice. My parents are very supportive of me and feels that it is a blessing to have such a wonderful man for their beloved daughter. They would be much at peace to know I have made a better life with such an amazing person. I hope to overcome all these challenges in the coming years specially the ones regarding travelling and finances. Hope to make it work with all my efforts. I know it will be rewarding as much as it will be work. But I will not let it bring me down because you find your soul mate only once and when you do, you don’t let them go away thinking it will be a challenge that they are not from the same county. Who can say if you let that person go you might end up with someone in the same country who don’t understand and love you as much, don’t care for your parents much.Living with that regret will be a cancer to any relationship. Wish me luck on this new journey.

I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. I was 27, he was 26 when we met overseas on vacation. He is Australian and I am American. He is my complete and total soulmate. I’ve never loved anyone in my life like I love him. I moved to Australia because at the time it was quicker for me to get a visa. He was also afraid of going from a small country lifestyle, with only a few years in the work force and into my big city lifestyle in San Francisco. So I moved and it was the biggest mistake of our lives, of my life.

My husband is kind, wonderful and a great father and partner,, yet I would never recommend this type of relationship to anyone. Someone is always missing out on something. I’ve missed being home for special occasions, seeing my nephews grow up, being there for my parents as they age, spending time with my sisters, having the best grandparents a kid could have missout on their grandson and much , much more. I’ve never and will never feel at home in Australia. If I could do it over I would walk away. He is the love of my life, but I’ve had to scarfice too much. I’ve never felt whole since I left home. Love does not conquer all, does not solve all your problems, does not make everything better. We lost a child many years ago and have been through so much. We still love each other, but the reality is that it is too difficult. It’s a lot more then a regular marriage and overtime that just wears you down.

Its really not a good idea if you can help it. I’ve been in a marriage to an American for over 20 years and have kids. I’ve made huge compromises in my life and if I could do it all again, I would simply not get involved. Its not worth the heartache and soul searching.