When MOAB reached its thousandth post I wrote a pome, said 'twas the most That any thread had ever had It warn't too shabby, not too bad.

It now has that thousand times two. 'Cause some folks don't have shit to do 'Cept shoot the breeze and waste their times With foolishness and goofy rhymes.

Yes, MOAB it continues on. The Goddammed thing just won't be gone! A dream from which we cannot wake, A never-ending stomachache.

It now looks like it may be true That this thread never will be through! So, what the hell? Don't buck the tide. Just grab yer nuts* and enjoy the ride!

* Female MOABites are excused from grabbing their nuts since they generally are not equipped with them. They may grab whatever parts of their own anatomies they wish, or they may grab the nuts of a male friend or companion. It is suggested that they not grab the nuts of a perfect stranger.

You may not have to go that far. I think he has a ranch in Tennessee, last I heard. Then there's Hollywood. You could join the legions of people who stalk William Shatner at Star Trek Conventions. All kinds of possibilities.

YEEEI-AAAAAUGUHGUGHHHHHH!!!!That is what I looked forward too? That is what I anticipated as being the finest post on the cafe in the history the Mudcat Cafe? Although it being a rather manly grunt of sorts.... Right on you man.... yes, you are the man... you created in me feelings that no other can, you animal you. I want you. That is all there is to it. Nothing more to say. I want a grunting man that pretends to be William Shatner. I want a man who speaks little and when he does he speaks it in broken sentences. That fuckin' turns me on. I cannot tell you how much that does for me you little shit who went and said...YEEEI-AAAAAUGUHGUGHHHHHH!!!! on the most famous post of mudcat history. Oh baby-oh baby-oh baby....do it again and make me want you more...

It is becoming clear that everyone is tired of this pointless, stupid thread. Only a handful of dumasses post to this thing, apparently for no other reason than keeping it on the board. Why not give it up and let it die? Surely there are some useful threads you could post to. Really, just look at yourselves. Your posts are banal at best. Are you impressing one another with your wit? What is this? Some kind of mutual mental masturbation. Just look at the humor(?) in the first hundred posts, and compare it with the humor of the last 100. Quite a difference, eh?

What a class act...the dumbass posts to a thread that he decries other people for posting to...and he can't even spell "dumbass"! LOL! Just who IS the dumbass around here anyway? And why can't he ignore this thread if he detests it so? It's not like there aren't other things to do, for God's sake. Get a life, you idiot!

History note: BTW, do you people know that I am the guy credited with inventing and popularizing the phrase "Get a life!" many years ago in a skit on Saturday Night Live? I was hosting the program at the time...Guest hosting it, to be exact. This was only one of the numerous occasions on which I made history.

But...after delivering that gut-wrenching scream on the 2000th post (and it was better even than that screech Dean did the other day), I am experiencing a sort of warm glow...an afterglow...the kind of thing you experience after a profound emotional catharsis...or really good sex.

Shatner has over-stepped his bounds. Around post 1900, he insulted the King. Worse, he stole post 2000, which should have been posted by a representative of the Royal Throne (khandu, Tweed, bwl, Rustic Rebel, Amos, Little Hawk, Rap or even Everyone's Royal Bidet!)(or any MOABite!). But...he is entertaining & he does add some "excitement" to MOAB, so my incliniation is to think that death is a bit harsh!

Anyone who comes moseying in to these parts and just with not so much as a howdy do takes a bead on our own happy-hippie nude-thread-walking Rustic Rebel, just barges on it, is aiming for one heap of trouble son, and I don't mean urine trouble, I mean sweating bullets-and-wishing-yore-ma-wuz-around kinda trouble and that includes mister Big City Fancy Pants Get a Life I was on TV Pretending Shatner.

Amos, you are getting a bit incoherent. I didn't expect that of you. Too many scotch & sodas tonight? You falsely accuse moi of taking a bead on Rustic Rebel. Not so! Rustic Rebel had already indicated an extreme prurient interest in me prior to my post, and I was simply responding as requested. I aim to please...and that, my friend, is the route to success. Write that down in your little diary and ponder it.

Khandu - Graciously said, your highness! I accept and return your forgiveness, because I realize that you are among my true hardcore fans...the ones who will put up with just about any amount of BS from moi. :>)

Bee-dubya-ell...man, you are one lame-ass son of a sea cook. Do you really think you can intimidate a man who has fought off alien lifeforms from every section of the galaxy, locked lips with phaser-wielding Romulan babes, and survived a couple of seasons of T.J.Hooker with his reputation more or less intact???? Buzz off, you silly chicken-sexer. I shrug you off like a gnat. Go back to the Ozarks and make some more homebrew.

This thread was dying a slow death, and I have revived it. Be grateful.

You, sir, are a poor man's cheap escape from his own irresponsibility, a fantasy looking for a reality to replace, an ineptitude is search of a victim. You are a drop of graywater in the waste pipe of those who do the real work of life and a chicken scratching on the Page of Real Life itself, a minor typographical anomaly, a speck of aberrant dust in the long view of the cosmos. You have as much weight in the fate of the MOAB as you have in the fate of the Grand Pyramid. You are a fleck of robin's piss in the mighty River of Life, and you are not suited to sneer, condemn, or even bow down to or cavil in front of or tremble before or nod at one of the mighty souls who have built these powerful cyberhalls of Discourse, the mighty MOAB. Your accomplishments are dust on the floors of the MOABS galleries, a mote in a sunbeam compared to the infinite potential light which is always the divine attribute of MOABidity. You are not suited or even capable of shining a light on Her Modernity Rustic Rebel or any of her magical ilk here on the MOAB, including Carol the Crapper Sailor and the Brilliant Major SRS.

So go off and see if you can by dint of unparalleled and unprecedented exertion move your cranium far enough out of its nether receptacle to be able to see where you really are, because it will require some severe readjustment. Once you do that I am sure you will go far, and I request that you start soon.

Oh, my! Impressive verbiage, Amos, impressive! I wonder if the Great Man will deign to respond? Wow. Even Spock would have raised his eyebrows in the face of that verbal assault! (and then have calmly pointed out some logical inconsistencies in it, no doubt...) As for McCoy, well, he would just have started frothing at the mouth or taken a swing at you. :-) What will Captain Kirk do?

Well, now. That's really quite good. More the kind of quality I expected from you, Amos. I am impressed. You wouldn't mind if I borrow some of it for my next dramatic part? I can just see it now...

THE SCENE: A desolate rock-strewn area on some distant planet (or in Arizona). In the foreground we see the hero (played by me) confronting a group of alien heavies led by a pompous creature named "Krill" or something like that...a fellow with lots of head sculpts and prosthetics.

OUR HERO (me) speaks (*ahem*): Krill!...you're...a poor man's cheap escape from his own irresponsibility, a fantasy looking for a reality to replace, an ineptitude is search of a victim. You...think that victim is me. Ha! You're a mere drop of water in the waste pipe of those who do the real work of life. You're...a chicken scratching on the Page of existence. You're...a minor typographical anomaly, a speck of aberrant dust in the long view of the cosmos. You...have as much weight in the fate of the galaxy as you have in the fate of my starship. That's none, mister. Zippo. Nada. You...are a mote of dust in the mighty River of Life. You...are not suited to sneer, condemn, or judge me and my crew. You're...not even suited to cleaning the waste bays on an interplanetary junk scow. Now, go off and see to your collection of lace doilies before I...am forced to get tough with you!

(You'll note that I shortened it a bit. Brevity is more effective than endless hyperbole, and modern audiences have a short attention span. Thanks, buddy. This is going to sound absolutely great, and I've been shut out of Oscar night for too long. Here's a tip: you don't necessarily have to be "original" to succeed. You just have to know what works and when to do it.)

It is obvious that I spoke in haste when I said "Shatner Must Die!!!" I should have taken a few moments to explain my position.

First, let me state that I do not desire the demise of the real William Shatner, the mediocre actor. He is a harmless old fart who makes a decent living being a caricature of himself, which is really not too bad of a gig if you can get it.

But, the "Shatner" who has posted repeatedly to this thread is not that guy! He is an imposter! In fact, he is worse than an imposter, he is the Anti-Shatner! The real William Shatner would not diss King khandu and claim to be the "Captain" of the MOAB. The real William Shatner would not steal the M2K post away from the MOABites who worked so hard to get the thread to the point where an M2K post was possible. Only the Anti-Shatner would do such things. Why? Because, by doing them he makes MOABites despise him. And, by doing such despicable deeds in Shatner's name he makes MOABites despise the real Shatner. That is the Anti-Shatner's goal - to destroy the real Shatner by being an asshole and blaming it on poor old Bill.

My God, Bee-dub!~ Do you think...? Would anyone dare to...? I mean, the collossal nerve of....! (splutter, splutter) This merits a full investigation at the highest levels of the WSSBA! Shatner imitation is encouraged, but not Shatner impersonation! Thou shalt not take the name of the Captain in vain! Yes, the Anti-Shatner must die!!!

Good to have you on board, Little Hawk. Now, we'll probably need to improvise some sort of trap.... No. It probably wouldn't be wise to announce our plans out in the open like this.... A code! That's it! We need a secret code so we can plan the Anti-Shatner's downfall without him getting wise.

Okay. Here you go:

JF8 FEUTN 8THOWB GRI7AY WUVT3 BH7RF HYDPN5.

Set decoder ring to setting 5, repeat, setting 5 to decode the above message. That is all.

Dear Guest of 6:30 p.m. yesterday, when I didn't have a connection to respond to you with:

Define "everyone" as in your statement "everyone is getting tired...."

That's a tall order, son (or daughter). Have you queried everyone? Have you asked Amos if he's getting tired of MOAB? Khandu? Have you asked my brother Tony? Do you even know my brother Tony, and if so, why would you want to? After all, he's the only person I know of who has two cannons, a canoe, and a coffin in his garage. He's also having his bathroom rebuilt, but that has nothing to do with his possessions.

But I digress. In order for you to have determined that "everyone is getting tired of this thread" you would have had to have asked such people as William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Paris Hilton, Joan Baez, Tom Paxton, Emmy Lou Harris, Bruce La Wall, Seamus Kennedy, Mick Jagger, Jennifer Lopez, Vicente Fox, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Colin Powell, Ed Guthrie, George W. Bush, George H. Bush, Barbara Bush, Joan Jett, Harold Savage, Tony Blair, Tommy Makem, Bono, and whoever's in charge in Italy right now -- among 5.something billion other folks.

And you certainly didn't ask ME. I would have know if you did. And all you need is ONE person to say, "Nope! I'm not tired of MOAB!" or even "Whatever are you talking about?" for your hypothesis to fail.

Well, Amos, regretfully, I cannot send you a decoder ring. You see, there are only three sources for Official MOAB BS Decoder Rings.

The first is the navel of Holy Trinity of BS member Britney Spears. The second is the left nipple of Holy Trinity of BS member Barbara Streisand. And the third is the member of Holy Trinity of BS member Bill Shatner (the real one).

Official MOAB BS Decoder Rings carry a tremendous charge of Psi and Chi and other New Age BS type stuff so the members of the Holy Trinity of BS are extremely reluctant to part with them. I got mine by posing as a hotel custodian and snagging Ms Spears' ring from a bedside table while she was in the Jaccuzi. Little Hawk and khandu got theirs by having sex with Ms Streisand and Mr. Shatner, though it's not exactly clear who had sex with whom, whether any parties involved achieved orgasm or if money changed hands.

I'm sure that all three Holy Trinity of BS members have new rings by now, so, if you really want one, just decide who you would most like to bang and go for it.

You can also get these rings in Bismark or Fargo. They are called, respectively, South or North Decoder Rings.

Never forget That Which Has Been Written By The Elves:

Three Rings for the Joe Clones under the sky, Seven for the CHFC as they sit stoned, Nine for Bee-Dubya doomed to clays, One for King Khandu on his dark throne In the Land of MOAB where the BS lays. One Decoder Ring to rule them all, One Decoder Ring to find them, One Decoder Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of MOAB where the BS lays. Doo dah, doo dah, in the Land of MOAB where the BS lays, Oh, de doo dah days.

So no-one will step forward? I will!! I will go on this mission and will bring back the Decoder Ring to the Halls of MOAB. And I will shame one of each other species here in MOABLaandia into coming with me, but willy or nilly, I am on my way.

Pore pore smartass GUEST....you habv stumbled into a hellhole fram wich thar iz no way out obv! An' also served to only acclimate the situation found in here as the Ilks habv been stirred and shaken by yore insensibel comments. I hope you an yore asshole buddy Bill Shatner iz happy now..you two dorks habv gotten the Poit Lariat screwed up from hollering and iz now in some kind of spasmodemous peroxidizm wif much foaming and gnashing obv hiz four good teef obver yore uncohorant rhesus. Howsomebver, I will pray fore you bof, az I am a good sort, and can only hop thet scorpions will somehow end up in yore fruit obv the loons and gnaw yore nuts clean off obv the bof obv you.

No, Amos! No! Do not go after either the North or South Decoder Rings! Horrible things lurk on your journey! Nasty, slimy things! Things that best go unknown, things that are best left under their rocks, things that neither mankind nor womankind were meant to know! Amongs the mountainous way to the North Decoder Ring lurks Danger like the Bozeman, the Pierre, the Wyo, not to mention the Sorcha of Torrington (a good sort, actually, but surrounded by The Corgis).

Oh, heck, if you really want to go, don't let me stop you. But, if you don't come back because The Worst Has Happened, can I have your baseball glove?

Through the plains of Ponsford and up along the Smokey hills gravels.No snow or ice will wayward me, as I reach the prairie of my travels . My journey is not long nor a hardship, Fargo is a mere two hours away.And the Fargo Winter Blues Fest is in two weeks, where I'll be dancing the night and day.So should someone be making this journey, to find us the North Decoder rings,It would make more sense than any, that it be I , to return them to MOAB, and the King.If patience in not a virtue and in two weeks the subject has changed,Send up Amos in haste, and a meeting can be arranged. It'll take you two weeks anyway Amos, so plan on a night of blues,and while your packing your things, don't forget, to bring your dancing shoes!

I forgot to mention that I really don't want Bill to die. Really, I want him. He excited me with his wild man scream.Then I saw those things he does on that page that Leonard Nimoy showed us and it made me really excited to know that the Bill polymorphic(sp?)stud is actually our friend here at the MOAB. He might be a pervert but he is still our friend. You man you. (or was it she-man?)

The Royal Forkers stand ready to move with the brave souls who have undertaken this perilous mission. They are under the command of any MOABite who dares this quest. I have instructed them in the evil of the Anti-Shatner & they are wroth! Realizing that some of them may not return, they have asked for one wild night with the Royal Diancing Tarts; I have granted their request. Please do not enter the territory of Mississippi on this night for I suspect much decadence & debauchery for the next 12 hours. What the hell...everyone of you is welcomed!!

bwl, my lucky *Queen safekeeps the decoder ring for me. She is, even as I post, deciphering the code!

Now II hear, and quickly answer Princess Rebel's thundering call! Let me not misstep nor stumble Let me never fooly fall. I am bound for distant Fargo and the frozen plains beyond Where the Bluesmen do their number, wailing notes like Fairy Fronds Where the Northern Lights twirl lightly To the sound of Blazin' Blues Princess Rebel's proud and knightly Escort in his dancing shoes! Onward then, into the tundra! Past the Frozen Door of Thing To the desperate Halls of Bismarck Winning the Dakota Ring!

Amos! Those of the Idaho Legion who are still able to stand stand ready to ride with you on your quest! They are ready to face with you the Pits of Thermopolis, the Lava Hot Springs, the Awful Butte, the Perils of the Portland (no, wait, that's in the other direction), the Fearful Sturgis, the howling Wolf City. E'en I, myself, will be there, wishing all Godspeed and a fair wind in your sails, my sword out in salute of the Good Quest! I shall play the Trumpet That Shall Never Call Retreat myself!!

Have you done a Google search for "some poor sod"? Did MOAB come up? This is interesting!!

I did one, just to test my theory and al5hough MOAB did not come up, being sheltered by the database server from prowling spiders, almost EVERYTHING that did come up would have qualified as high-class, first-rate pure-dee BS. Try it!!

May I ask at this time, a moment of silent post?because I have lost a brother today who in my heart has meant the most.My brother of the washtub bass who played it very well left me in my tears and his memory to dwell.The Erect Fossils will now no longer be the same,without my brother Mikey to play like he was insane.Please do not respond, or feel I need a friendI just ask you to post ..in a silent refrain.