So, took me some time to see Birdemic 2: The Resurrection. It’s not what I didn’t want to see it. I watch the first film just about every single year during October. It’s just a tough film to find when you don’t really want to spend money on it. Well, spend enough time searching on streaming apps and you will find true happiness…and also Birdemic 2.

Birdemic 2 picks up some time after the original with Rod (Alan Bagh, Highway to Havasu, The Mad Whale) and Nathalie (Whitney Moore, House of Demons, Another Yeti a Love Story: Life on the Streets) living their best lives together. Actually, they really don’t catch up that much as we are somehow focused on a worse version of them with Bill (Thomas Favaloro) and Gloria (Chelsea Turnbo, The Other Woman, Del Playa). Bill is Rod’s new friend (and maybe clone). Well, we focus on these four until the birds start attacking for no reason. It’s not the same birds this time around (yes it is). This time, they are prehistoric eagle things. And there are zombies. Because of course there are.

Several movie groups have voted Birdemic 2 as the #1 most unwatchable movie of all time, and I can’t disagree with them on that. This is horseshit. Seriously, I cannot stand watching this movie. This is one I cannot even suggest to others for a bad horror movie night. This comes from a guy that regularly pushes the original Birdemic on other people. I unabashedly hate this movie.

Everything is worse here, from the people to the plot. The most heinous crime is somehow believing that director James Nguyen (Julie and Jack, Replica) can both learn from his mistakes and become self-aware enough to grow out of them. Everything plays out the exact same way but a storyteller with more tact would be able to use this to make a more enjoyable so-bad-it’s-good experience. Birdemic 2 is more along the lines of so-bad-it’s-somehow-even-worse-and-it-keeps-getting-worse-as-it-goes-on-and-oh-great-here’s-the-treehugger-from-the-first-movie-what-purpose-does-he-even-serve-here. Yeah, that bad.

I guess I did it to myself, thinking that I could enjoy this movie. I deserve this. But if there’s a silver lining, and I guess there is, it’s that I may have saved you from this horrible fate. It’s the thought that you wouldn’t subject yourself to…

What are you doing?

No. Don’t watch it.

No!

NO!

NOOOOO!

0/5

-Kyle A. Goethe

For my review of James Nguyen’s Birdemic: Shock and Terror, click here.