In less than one full inning Sunday, Hernandez won a Kewpie doll — then ripped off its head.

In the bottom of the fifth, with Jon Niese shutting out the Marlins on SNY, a graphic — loaded with the latest in context-barren statistical, historical nonsense — appeared.

Niese, as Gary Cohen eagerly recited, is among the Mets’ all-time leaders in consecutive starts “allowing three earned runs or fewer.” Others on the list included Jerry Koosman, Dwight Gooden and, three times, Tom Seaver.

At that point, Hernandez came to our rescue. Once upon a time, he said, starters were expected to pitch “seven, eight, nine innings,” as opposed to today, “when they go five, six, seven, max.”

Thus, comparing or even listing Seaver’s low-ERA starts to Niese’s was like wondering why Cy Young never won the Cy Young Award. For the record, Gooden pitched 68 complete games, Koosman pitched 140, Seaver 231. Niese, in his seventh season, has three.

Bless his heart, Hernandez gave us a lift home from the Idiots’ Picnic.

But in the next half inning, he went from enlightened analyst to schoolyard bully Nelson “Ha-Ha!” Muntz. SNY presented a photo of Padres pitcher Alex Torres from the night before, wearing a cap that bulged at its sides from a protective liner.

Yes, Torres looked odd. Yet, clearly, if he were determined to diminish the chances of a fractured skull or brain injury from a line drive to the side of his head, his head, if not his cap, was on straight.

Well, Hernandez took a macho, style-over-function stance, mocking Torres for looking “absurd.” (The same was heard when batting helmets arrived, then grew larger until they included earflaps and would be worn by base coaches.)

He wasn’t done. He suggested Torres and anyone who would wear such a thing is a coward: “If you’re scared, get a dog.”

Ugh! Either Hernandez was unaware of the dozens of annual, all-levels episodes that have pitchers rushed to hospitals — some with permanent neurological damage — or such episodes have not yet left an impression on him.

In Torres’ case, last year with the Rays, he replaced Alex Cobb after Cobb was nailed in the head with a line drive. After Saturday’s game, Torres recalled he still could hear the crack against Cobb’s head — and Torres was in the bullpen. “I’m glad he’s alive.”

Cobb, depending on how one looks at it, was lucky — he was out just two months.
Good Keith, bad Keith. For better and worse, he keeps both in the game.

Yankees become running jokes

Robinson CanoPhoto: Getty Images

Even post-Robinson Cano, the Yankees continue to come up a base short. Wednesday in Toronto, in the top of the seventh, up 4-3 with none out, Brett Gardner was on second, Derek Jeter on first. A wild pitch to the backstop caroms back to the catcher, on the third base side. Still, Gardner takes third, no throw.

YES’ Michael Kay: “Gardner will go to third. It bounded back to [Dioner] Navarro, so Jeter will stay put.” Huh? If Gardner made third, Jeter belonged on second, no?

John Flaherty: “Derek Jeter still on first. Not quite sure why he didn’t advance.”

The Yankees came out of the inning with only one run.

Everyone gets a trophy: Nationals closer Rafael Soriano on Saturday, protecting a 3-0 lead, struck out all three Braves he faced in the ninth.

The same day, Pirates closer Mark Melancon began the ninth with a 2-0 lead versus the Cubs. He allowed two hits and an earned run. On Tuesday, Melancon, with the Pirates up three, pitched the ninth versus the Rays. He allowed three hits, two earned runs.

But because the same value is applied to all saves, Soriano got one, Melancon got two!

Quality control: As a common-sense rule, closed captioning for the deaf and hearing-impaired during golf appears at the top, to prevent transcriptions from covering the ball. But not during NBC’s Women’s US Open coverage!

Reader Kevin Cox didn’t know who won Tuesday night’s Yankees-Blue Jays game, so later that night he stuck with YES’ “Encore” presentation, especially after the Yankees came back from down 6-0 to tie. But that’s when YES’ crawl read, “Yanks look to avoid sweep tonight vs. Jays.” Say goodnight, Kevin!

“Now,” he wrote, “I’m forced to listen to Yankee games on the radio with the volume off, and watch them on TV with the screen covered.”

Monuments men not what they used to be

No offense to Goose Gossage, Tino Martinez and Paul O’Neill — all valued, popular Yankees, yet all with extended success with other teams — but there was a time when Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park was reserved for long-term, Hall of Fame-caliber Yankees. Now it seems to add populist attractions, like a Myrtle Beach wax museum.

Infield shift, graveyard shift: Yankees-Red Sox this weekend, three games in late June, are all night games, including an 8:10 Sunday job for ESPN dough.

Think Bud Selig would buy tickets to a Sunday game from which he would arrive home Monday morning?

Everything-must-go sale: Four times during Sunday’s Orioles-Yankees game, the bases were removed, then replaced. Guess that’s the difference between the “steal sign” and the “take sign.”

Much of this town’s sports media have overestimated the popularity and value of Carmelo Anthony.

During his 3 ½ seasons here, which Knicks team did he help make better?

Just as he appeared headed to call football on ESPN’s SEC Network, veteran Tim Brando, recently estranged from CBS, will call college football and basketball for FOX and FOX Sports 1. Good get.

Although it made little news and noise, Kevin Streelman won last weekend’s PGA event by birdieing the last seven holes. Sensational! Had Tiger Woods done that, the media still would be gushing that it’s among all sports’ greatest accomplishments!

It seems Mets catcher Travis d’Arnaud doesn’t know how to pronounce his name. Mike Francesa, who corrects callers’ pronunciations, says “Dunno,” not “Dar-no.” Hey, if that’s how King Mike the Wise pronounces it, then that it must be, that it shall be!

I think Keith is just tired of the game becoming a circus.........lets face it all of the antics of the players posing and doing silly thing when they cross home plate.....instant replay...........the game is now 25 % circus..........I agree with Keith ,,,but I guess Keith just doesn't know how to say it..........lets face it he knows the game.......but he is no brain surgeon....

The hat looks dumb, but for now that's the best anyone has come up with. Hopefully a dedicated, creative engineer will drive real innovation for a safety helmet in baseball. Oh, and Keith Hernandez is a dolt anyway.

Hernandez is a douchebag. When he played for the Mets he used to smoke cigarettes in the dugout during games. He had a cocaine problem when he played for St.Louis. Mattingly in his prime was the best first baseman in N.Y.C. during that era.

LOVE HIM! Everything he says about today's "dumbed down" players is 100% correct. Back before baseball was dumbed down, many individual pitchers threw more complete games than most divisions do today.

The "quality" start stat is a complete joke. Giving the Cy Young award to a guy who had ZERO complete games in his career is a joke. Nine inning, 4-hour, 1-0 games where SIX pitchers are "needed" are jokes.

The record 36,710 strikeouts last were a joke. The previous record was the previous year, and the new record will likely be recorded this year. The ONLY thing today's overpaid millionaires with do with regularity is STRIKEOUT!

They are "fundamentals" free zones. Can't bunt, can't run the bases, can't run the bases competently, but are paid MILLIONS of dollars.

The "save," an absurd stat, was created as a bargaining tool for guys who couldn't make it as starters. A guy could pitch every game with a 3-run lead, give up 324 runs for the season, 2 per game, have an ERA of 18.00 and have 162 saves. Send him to the Hall.

Rather than expressing a modicum of gratitude that Woods has returned to rescue the nightmare golf has been in his absence, this Murdock mercenary Musnick has crawled out from under his rock to slime Woods....yet again !!!!!

I thought the plaques were for Yankee immortals, and Tino is hardly an immortal. Two All-Star appearances while with the Yanks, .233 lifetime post-season BA, never a Gold Glove. They are devaluing the achievements of the true Yankee greats by having him and O'Neill and others in there.

@Tony Moschetti I agree with you..the teams are now half pitchers........and they are all out with Tommy John surgery.............soon college kids will have to have the surgery just to be drafted.................

@Tony Moschetti You may not like the way MLB has evolved, but 'dumb down' it is not. With available video, crazy stats, and elite training at a very young age, these players are WAY better, stronger, and smarter than in the past. Stop showing your age, Tony.

@Pete Sundar no Woods has slimed himself...stop defending an obviously done Woods..and he is right if Woods had done it the media would still be talking about it.... I guess Nicklaus need not worry about his record being broken as Tiger is not going to win another major...he is toast

@ChasMon They cheapened it yrs. ago when they retired too many numbers for undeserving,albeit admirable, players & managers. The Yanks have many who are in the Hall(Lazzeri,Joe Gordon,Lefty Gomez,etc.) but who's number are not retired. Why is that?

@George S@Tony Moschetti I disagree with your statement. I don't believe they are better. They might be better conditioned athletes physically but baseball wise there are much less hitters keeping an average now then there used to be. Could it be the pitching is better now? It's hard to tell but the hitting has completely changed and I don't feel for the better. This is just my opinion