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I met this wonderful woman named J*. I didn't really fall for her at first, it took me awhile... then I fell hard. So much so, it was was almost shocking. The longest period of time I dated anyone was 2 years, and that was back in high school. I was never really a "relationship" guy, so everything after that was pretty much a casual thing. And to be honest, I didn't really care. But when I was with her I slowly but surely began to appreciate her for not only her incredible beauty, but also her mind and her heart. I knew in my heart I loved her when I found myself thinking about her all the time, and buying her flowers when I saw them. I would kiss her suddenly when a loving thought of her popped into my mind, and she would ask "why?" but I did not answer. I smiled more when I was with her, and I felt invincible. I could live a thousand years in a moment. Once or twice we would argue, and I never saw the harm. Things in my life outside of her suddenly became extremely more complicated. The prescious time I had for her was eaten up with reckless abandon by the unseen and uncontrollable forces that assail everyone a few times in their life. I began to become stressed, and when I was with her it was alleviated. But the stress began to crack inside me, and I could not focus clearly some days. It took everything I had not to lash out. I tried to stay away for fear that I would lash out at her. But what you fear the most meets you halfway along the road, and in time the small disagreements became fights. I began to be more concerned as she and I grew apart. Things were said, some good, some bad, but all of them honest. As Benjamin D'Israeli said, "Never apologize for feeling, because then you are apologizing for the truth." I laid awake one night, wondering what happened, and thought things weren't right. But at the end of the sleepless, soul searching journey I found the heart inside me to stand, work for the good I knew we would have, and give my all to make it work. I asked her the next day if she still loved me. She said, "Yes, what kind of question is that!?" And at that moment, I decided to stay it out that if she still loved me there was hope and I would fight for it. The next day she called saying she wanted to take a break, and it was over. I went into shock at first, not believing any of it. Then anger, then finally I realized the truth of it all. But by that time the shock and anger had taken its toll and time had again passed. It slipped away like dreams into the waking world, vague and fuzzy glimpses of what once felt so real. I tried to hold close to that dream, to nuture it back to life only to smother it possesively. A million questions ran through my head, questions I wondered if I would ever get answers to. But in the end, I found all the answers I needed in myself. She taught me a lesson, whether she meant things for good or for bad; a lesson to focus, and strive, and be more not to have more, but to enjoy more. She taught me the error of my past ways and made me finally see what I was missing. I had never known what was worth fighting for and when I did it was too late. The regret is looking back with clear vision and seeing clearly now all the signs and errors I chose to blind myself to. I found a part of myself that had laid dormat all along awaken, and declare itself. I learned from her to my actions needs to match my heart, that there is something deeper to look for and feel for, to learn to exercise patience, to learn to listen, to learn to have compassion and understanding, and to learn that the eyes attract but the heart loves. Whether in those first days she meant the truth, or in those last days she made lies, either way I wonder if I will ever truly know. If she meant me good or ill, pleasure or pain, joy or sadness anytime during our time together, I can only look back with joy and happiness knowing that I am a better person for having known her. Live your life, enjoy it, and live it with passion.

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