Like the rest of the country, I read recently
that the average CEO makes 510 times what the average worker
makes. Despite what the hardcore Republicans and Libertarians
say, I don't think the average CEO works 510 times harder than
the average worker and is thus worth every penny. On the contrary;
I find that the lower you are on the food chain the harder you
work for your money. But that's not bad enough. Despite this
level of compensation, some of them are still not happy and have
been treating their companies and stockholders roughly the same
way that the Visigoths treated Rome. Of course, serious prosecution
of white collar offenders has become meaningless in this country.
So, I have some ideas for dealing with criminal CEOs* that would
properly punish them and deter others who might follow the same
path. If convicted, I'd give them their choice of:

1. Total forfeiture of assets. I don't mean,
"They took the house in the Hamptons, the jet and the condo
in Vail! All I have is the townhouse in Manhattan, the estate
in Hamilton and the offshore holdings!" No, I mean "pry
the fillings out of their teeth and drive them naked into the
streets" forfeiture. They wouldn't be able to shelter anything.
The money would then be given to the employees who got screwed.

2. 10 years in General Population at Attica.
No "Club Fed", where hard time is a nine hole golf
course and the chef trained at Johnson and Wales instead of Cordon
Bleu. Sharing a cell with Big Bubba will teach them some valuable
lessons about life that they NEVER learned at Yale or Princeton.
And out in the yard they can play "Guess What I'm In For"
with their fellow inmates...

"It involved a blow torch, my mother,
an engine block and some rope!"

"Ooh, I know!! Jaywalking?"

"Not quite"...

Or, most terrifying of all:

3. Having to work for minimum wage for the
next 20 years. Again, no sheltered assets, no help from the other
fat cats. Really LIVE on minimum wage, as they expect their workers
to do. I think they'd find this option the least palatable...

(NOTE: If they opt for 1 and it's discovered
they sheltered so much as a postage stamp, number 2 would kick
in automatically). If that doesn't send the right message, there's
still public hangings.

Are you tired of dealing with all this? It
may be time to strike out on your own. Here are some ways to
make a living creatively...

A one woman show: The rap version of "The
Belle of Amherst".

Be a contestant on "Yodeling for Dollars".

Go on "Survivor", kill everyone
else as soon as you get off the boat. If the producers complain,
tell them the object is to be the last survivor, so shaddap!
After all, you just killed a dozen people in cold blood who,
admittedly, needed killing anyway so it's no big loss, so they
can be reasonably sure you'd kill them, too. They can always
market it to Fox as "When Trash TV Contestants Go Berserk".

Start a business curing hams at home. Everyone
loves fresh cured hams, and you're not using the spare bedroom
anyway.

Strangle Rush Limbaugh. This isn't a job per
se, it just needs doing.

Start an art class. You don't even have to
be an artist do do this one! When the students show up tell them
it's a class in conceptual art, that they should imagine that
the charcoal and paper are the eyes and ears of the Mighty God
Zarquan and that they should "draw with their inner tongues".
They should leave without asking for a refund; if they don't
tell them it's performance art and charge extra.
One word: Kidnapping!

Sell custom made Chia Heads on the internet.
I can see it now: Why settle for a generic head when you can
have Aunt Gladys or Pope Innocent III? They'll be beating a path
to your door!

Just don't get a job as night manager at a
gas station/convenience store. Our crack staff (with many, many
years of experience at boring, meaningless and soul-crushing
employment) voted this as most depressing job available (which
includes such professions as stun line at the slaughter house,
scraping dead animals off the highway and Congressman). EDITORS
NOTE: We don't mean a gas station OR a convenience store. We
mean a gas station/convenience store combo. There's a difference.
On the plus side, while waiting for the parade of humanity to
stagger by you can compose haiku:

Ghastly customers

Minors want to buy some beer

I'm better off dead

Hey, I'm just trying to help.

*I'm not implying that all overpaid CEO's are criminals.
You know the ones I'm referring to.