Love technology and being nannied? Then a family car so safe it even has an airbag on the outside is for you

There are two reasons: I don’t like poking at tiny screens (I
haven’t the thumbs for it) and I don’t feel my life is interesting
enough.

Unlike Chris Evans or Olly Smith, my tweets would mostly be
about what kitchen I’m working in, with the odd update about my dog’s
skin condition.

The Volvo V40 really is a great car for around town, not just for all the safety gubbins, but also the massive boot with its huge tailgate

However, something happened to me the other day which
would have made a good tweet.

Since I’m not on Twitter, this column will
have to do. It’s a bit biological, so if you’re eating breakfast,
please skip to the bottom of the screen.

It starts with the BBC Good Food Show,
which has me touring across the country every year.

Things have moved on
a bit since my first appearance, doing demos on a tinfoil company’s
stand with only my mum for company.

Now I have a purpose-built stage, an
audience of 3,000 and more security than Rihanna.

Anyway, to keep things running on time,
you’re issued with an earpiece.

This year’s looked a bit, er, used.
Turns out two chefs had had it before me.

On the motorway, it's over 70mpg. If you drive like a nun. And I did. The V40 makes you

I’m sorry, but anything that’s
been in another chef’s orifice is not going in one of mine.

It was time
to get myself a professional earpiece moulded to the shape of my ear;
they give the best sound and never fall out.

So off I went to Harley Street for the
fitting. I’d never been before. (I spotted Simon Cowell and Ronnie Wood
on my way in, so it’s pretty much as I imagined it.)

Anyway, the
procedure’s simple: you lie down and a putty-like substance is left to
set in your ear for five minutes, then they take it away and make your
earpiece. But there was a problem.

‘Are you squeamish?’ asked the doc as he peered in my lughole. ‘Not usually,’ I said.

There are more gizmos on here than on the International Space Station

Then he reached for a long tweezer-like
thing, held my head down and started digging around like Monty Don in a
vegetable patch.

Suddenly he shouted, ‘Got it!’ and pulled. I felt a
pop, like a plug being pulled from a sink.

‘Whoa,’ I shouted.

‘What the hell was that?’

He showed me. It was a piece of paper,
rolled up tight. He reckoned it had been in there ten or 15 years.
Horrible? Not for me.

Suddenly I could hear better and my head felt
light and airy. If I’d been on Twitter I’d have posted a photo of the
waxy paper bullet in the dish.

Anyway, that was my one tweet-worthy
story of the last ten years. Don’t expect another one before 2020.

I’m nearly as gadget-phobic when it
comes to cars. In doing this column, I’ve exposed myself to quite a lot
of futuristic motors.

None is as futuristic as the new Volvo V40.

There
are more gizmos on here than on the International Space Station – all of
them dedicated to keeping you safe.

It started whenever I got in. The
dashboard told me one of the doors wasn’t closed. Every time. So I took
to slamming them.

Then there was the emergency warning: a flashing red
light on the head-up display and a sound like a nuclear-air-raid siren.

This went off when I was driving on a clear motorway. Had I left the
handbrake on? Was there a fire? I poked around.

The only thing I could
find was that my wipers were on and it had stopped raining. Talk about
overreacting.

Could I live with the V40? Definitely. It feels like a 5 Series inside and it's a dream to drive in town. But it's not aimed at me

A bit of reading once I got home
revealed that this was probably the collision detector misfiring.

Part
of a £1,850 Driver Support Pack, it flashes and beeps when someone’s
about to step into the road, and if necessary slams the brakes on, so
perhaps it mistook a shrub for a pedestrian.

If the worst happens and
you hit someone, they’ve put an airbag on the outside to save their life
– a world first.

Anyway, what with the flashing light, and the
lane-departure system which tries to correct your steering if you drift
too close to a white line, and the light that comes on if you’re too
close to the car in front, I felt a bit nannied.

I did like the auto-dipping high beams, which work better here than on any other car.

You also get City Safety, which brakes to prevent collisions at under 30mph, and sensors at the back which tell you if someone’s coming as you reverse out of a gap.

This really is a great car for around town, not just for all the safety gubbins, but also the massive boot with its huge tailgate, the endless legroom, the strong power steering and the fuel efficiency: my D3 diesel officially gets 53mpg in town.

On the motorway, it’s over 70mpg. If you drive like a nun.

And I did. The V40 makes you.

It may look sportier than any previous Volvo, with a ‘dynamic chassis’ and, it says here, Corner Traction Control for sharper turn-in, but I found I got the opposite: safe understeer, where the car subtly persuades you you’re going too fast for a corner, making you ease off.

So while there’s no doubting the smooth power of the engine and the quality of the gearbox, I drove much slower than I usually do.

Could I live with the V40? Definitely. It feels like a 5 Series inside and it’s a dream to drive in town. But it’s not aimed at me. I don’t have kids and I don’t like technology.

As I’m sure my producer would confirm. He’s just texted to say Saturday Kitchen is ‘trending’. I’ve no idea what that means.

My favourite technology right now is tweezers. Be careful with bits of paper, kids.

It may look sportier than any previous Volvo, with a 'dynamic chassis' and, it says here, Corner Traction Control for sharper turn-in, but I found I got the opposite

TECH SPEC

£24,045, volvocars.com/uk

Engine 2.0-litre diesel, five-cylinder

Transmission Six-speed manual

Power 150hp

0-60mph 9.1 seconds

Top speed 130mph

Fuel consumption 65.7mpg

CO2 emissions 114g/km (£30/year tax band)

DRIVE TALKING

What's hot on the road this week

BUT CAN I DO THE LOOP?

Chevrolet is to build what it calls ‘the first-ever driveable Hot Wheels car’. Out next year, the Camaro Hot Wheels Edition is a full-scale version of the 1:64-scale Camaro sold with the original 1968 edition of the racing game, with the same rear spoiler, front grille, black wheels, two-tone matte hood and flame graphics. The 432hp, 6.2-litre V8 engine isn’t quite accurate, though: we seem to remember the original worked by rolling downhill…

SKODA ON FIRM FOOTING

Skoda has brought out a rugged new variant of the Superb Estate. Similar to sister company Audi’s ‘Allroad’ models, the Superb Outdoor will have protective strips around the doors, bumpers and wheel arches, Hill-Hold Control, heated screenwasher nozzles and front headlight washers – but the main attraction is permanent all-wheel drive. A petrol and two diesels are offered, priced from £26,465 to £27,600.

DESIGN PUDSEY'S CAR

How do you like the first car to be designed by Live magazine? A bit garish, perhaps – but in our defence it only took us five minutes and a small donation to Children In Need. On pudseysdreamwheels.co.uk, families are encouraged to design their own computerised Peugeot 208 to help raise £150,000 for the charity – with a chance to win a real one. A winner will be announced on December 8. Somehow we don’t think the Livemobile will be on the shortlist…

By Simon Lewis

Jaguar takes to the water

Unlike most cats, jaguars love water. Which is handy, because otherwise this concept would be, frankly, a bit embarrassing.

To tie in with the launch of the XF Sportbrake, Jaguar has created a one-off speedboat that takes its design cues from the marque’s back catalogue; most notably, a carbon-fibre fin running down the length of the body that harks back to the D-Type.

Jaguar has created a one-off speedboat that takes its design cues from the marque's back catalogue

Other design influences, such as filler caps resembling those from a Series 1 XJ, are a little less obvious – and we can’t remember teak decking and fibreglass hulls in Jags of old.

The 6.1m, three-seater boat is designed to be towed by the XF Sportbrake (which is definitely not to be confused with an estate car).

Most one-offs showcase features that later make an appearance in the manufacturer’s line-up; if that holds true here, James Bond should sign up now for the semi-aquatic 2016 XKR.