Friday, May 04, 2007

first will and netstatement

Should I be hideously slain in a bizarre blogging accident before I've got round to putting together an actual proper will, here's what I want my grief-stricken friends and family to do.

First, donate all my useful organs to medical science; I won't be needing them any more. Corneas, kidneys, heart, organs of Corti, islets of Langerhans, toes, earlobes, you can take it all.

Then take my flayed and ravaged corpse and torch, I mean cremate, it.

Then scrape all the ashes together, stick them through a crusher to get the big lumps out (crematoria really do do this already, you know), and put them in a bowl.

Then make them into pills. Now I'm in two minds about how to do this: my first thought was to use an old-fashioned pill-press to make them into aspirin-style tablets, but then I thought it might be easier to make them into capsules (as per the image on the left). Do this in such a way as to end up with a pill for everyone attending the memorial ceremony.

Then, at a suitable point during the ceremony, everyone pops the tablet in their mouth, lifts the ceremonial glass of water to their lips, and glugs me right down.

What better send-off into the afterlife than to be ingested (and subsequently excreted) by your friends and loved ones? Plus, charcoal is good for the digestion, so I'd be doing everyone a favour as I passed through their alimentary tracts in a mysterious way.

I bow to no man in my admiration for Keith Richards, or Sir Keith as he should be, and would be if he'd sold out to The Man like Sir Mick. But I thought of this idea first!

Having said that, it is an amusing parallel with the old into the hand/on the tongue choice you have to make at Communion - would you like the capsule and the shot of JD, or the mirror and the ten-pound note?

Ah yes, I remember old Father Gilhooly asking me whether I wanted it in the hand or on the tongue when I was a lad. Course, he's in prison now.....

The Dreadful Sordid Truth About Me

Living entirely on a diet of sponge fingers and Tizer, the electric halibut is an elusive, enigmatic creature. Who knows where he will pop up next? He may be coming to your town.....no, hang on, that was the Monkees.