Thursday, November 26, 2009

Shortly before her mysterious disappearance, a young research assistant of Dr. Genuine's investigated late twentieth century claims that the Bitdyne Corporation had developed a microchip small enough to be implanted into the tissue of a living organism. Although Bitdyne initially denied these rumors, it eventually said it was developing such a chip to be implanted into canines trained for police or military functions. Once the chip was out of the bag, so to say, stories began circulating that the true purpose of the chip was to be implanted into humans so that their whereabouts would always be known. Allegations of Big Brother and a single world leadership fueled paranoid on both ends of political spectrum. Bitdyne assured citizens that none of this would ever happen.

Cross reference this, however, with reports from rural areas of men in black suits and little gray men with large, oily dark eyes, who were supposedly abducting the people who lived in these areas and subjecting them to horrible acts of examination. The cable program "In Our Midst" did a remarkable job of finding one such victim, and, by keeping the person's identity hidden, convinced said person to have a full body MRI that eventually revealed a small metallic sliver in this person's left buttock. Upon further examination, In Our Midst disclosed that the sliver was a microchip processor with GPS capabilities, a system that until recently, was considered to be of high level secrecy.

Again, Bitdyne denied any wrong doing. It claimed to have no understanding of how one of its classified items turned up in the butt of some unfortunate soul. Main stream media did a better job of insulting those who challenged Bitdyne rather than the corporation itself. One needn't dig too deep to understand why: Bitdyne eventually became a major of provider of off-network programming using satellites and roof mounted dishes. Bitdyne controlled the flow of information. Programming like In Our Midst became scarcer until eventually all such shows were gone. Thankfully, today we have the Internet that seems to be rather untouched by the crimp of corporate censorship.

But I digress. None of this matters now that we are faced with the zombie riots erupting globally.

Dr. Genuine's young assistant was about to announce that she had discovered a link between Bitdyne chips and the evolution of the zombie. She believed, without impunity, knowing full well what her knowledge could cost her, that zombies were nothing more than drones being controlled by secretly implanted chips from the Bitdyne Corporation. Using satellites it originally launched into space for entertainment purposes, Bitdyne has been directing the Implanted, as the assistant referred to them in her encrypted reports on her computer, to cause disruptions worldwide.

If this information is correct, it would mean that these zombies are not the walking dead, but, in fact, real and living individuals who, at the flip of a switch at Bitdyne, become mindless, flesh eating droids.

I ask you: Knowing this, would it be better if we were dealing with the undead instead of the non-undead?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The trend with zombies is to believe there has been an outbreak of organisms from beyond our planet. These microbes supposedly arrived in the tails of any number of comet storms or meteor showers. Careful analysis of the skies and areas most affected by these natural occurrences reveal next to nothing out of the ordinary in our atmosphere or surrounding terrain. Rumors persisted that the original space and moon walkers returned to the earth covered in space dust that was potentially hazardous to the planet. Again, this theory has been debunked several times over.

A newer, more fascinating one is suggested by the conspiracists who believe the moon landing, let alone space travel, has never actually occurred. An offshoot cell of this belief holds that the multi-national pharmaceutical conglomerate developed a toxin that was accidentally released and as a cover up, coerced governments through lobbyists to stage the lunar landings and subsequent space missions eventually making it appear that the so called Zombie Virus, or the Mercury MCMLXII Strain, did indeed comes from the heavens.

I am happy to report that time and time again Dr. Genuine and her crack team from Knockwood University near Sault St. Marie, Michigan, has debunked all of these ridiculous theories about space travel. The fact that she and her team of scientists, researchers, and philosophers have had to expend as much time proving man has gone to the moon and soon beyond that I fear valuable time may have been lost in our effort to quell the plague of zombies we now face.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

While it appears zombies possess the ability to amass in significant numbers virtually anywhere, common locations appear to be large open spaces such as fields or farms or parking lots. The debate still rages as to what attracts zombies to these areas. Many feel it is for food although it is difficult to know if the zombies uses any senses seeing as how they are supposed to be dead. Do their eyes see? Their noses smell? Their tongues taste the flesh they so vehemently crave? (Dr. Genuine has often been heard to remark: If a zombie were a vegan in its living stasis, does it remain so upon the transformation?)