A Generation of Fathers

I’m an 80’s kids. The 80’s and 90’s, for a number of different reasons, seem to have been a turning point where fatherhood began to decline tremendously, especially in urban areas and communities of color. The war on drugs, mass incarceration, even certain welfare reforms led to remarkable changes to the family structure, as more and more fathers found themselves either locked up and/or separated from their families. I was one of countless young men who grew up without their dads, having to navigate those early years without the guiding hand of their father. I fear that the negative effects of this won’t be fully understood for many decades to come!

Even with that being the case, I see a growing trend that gives me great hope. Many young men who grew up without the strong hand of their fathers have grown up and are now making pledges to reverse this debilitating trend. Nearly every one of my friends is a young, active, ambitious dad. The others are young husbands with real dreams of someday becoming dads that are present, active, and involved. We have ongoing conversations about raising our kids together, as an extended family. We dream about our kids playing sports together and bringing championships to the city. We mentor and counsel other teens and young adults, giving them a vision for the day when they will become husbands and fathers. My friends and I are working to exponentially increase the number of good fathers. We’re serious about legacy, not just for our families, but for so many others that cross our paths. We really are working to raise up a generations of “good dudes,” as my buddy Jesse often says!

It’s Not About Me…It’s About You

I get teased from time to time about my passion for fathers. Some wonder if I’m being a little self-serving. I’m a good sport about it…often it comes from one of my sisters and I give them that privilege of ragging on me! In the end, though, I remind them that what’s good for the father is, ultimately, good for the family. A good father is a blessing to his family, his community, his city. My passion is to see my city saturated with good fathers, men who are present, active, engaged, and….celebrated! I think raising up good fathers is one of the secrets to transforming our communities!

So go for it…let’s do a better job of celebrating dads and watch what happens. Maybe one day, the norm will be that children will be able to celebrate their dads like this young brother, Joseph, does in a poem called Words for My Father. You’ll find it at the end of this post. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it here now: Much of what we believe about God is impacted by what we saw in our earthly father.

May we build a generation of fathers who will represent Our Father well!

Over the last week, I’ve been sharing a 4-part blog about our collective need to do a much better job of celebrating dads. In Part I, we tried to get some explanation for why we hesitate to celebrate dads. In Part II, we tried to discuss what’s at stake and the question of why this even matters at all. In this 3rd part of the series, the conversation will move to a more practical place and offer some tips for getting started. Feel free to read it, share your thoughts, and pass it along!

Start Somewhere and Just say Thanks

Knowing that I will alienate a few of my feminist friends, I think that the journey to celebrating fathers well begins by acknowledging that men and women are not the same, and that we contribute distinct things, especially within the context of family. On his best day, a father is not a mother. The same rule applies to a woman attempting to replace a man. If you need help working through this concept, try wrestling with this question: What abilities/skills/quirks/traits/etc. did you get from your dad that your mom could not have given you? Contrary to what society seems to be leaning towards, there are some very unique and valuable things that a father contributes to the family. Recognizing that one small truth will begin a process that will allow us to move to the next step – look for those praiseworthy things and affirm him for them.

Begin by spending some real time discovering the unique contributions that your husband, your dad, your brother makes to his family. Discover the ways that he blesses his family and celebrate those things. Maybe he’s a fixer who goes to great length to keep the house functioning and moving along. I’m not that kind of dad, but I appreciate those kinds of dads. Maybe he’s an encourager who cheers his kids along in everything – academics, sports, hobbies, even relationships. It’s ok to let him know how that adds to the life of your family. Maybe he’s a strong, silent type who brings a certain calm to every situation. You’d be crazy not to acknowledge that! Maybe he’s the hardworking dad who sacrifices so that mom can stay at home and care for the kids. More and more these days, I even see dads that stay at home while mom has the career. That’s incredibly courageous and deserves some thanks!

To the question of how, let’s remember that the “right” way to say thanks is as unique as each dad is. My wife would never spend $1,000 on a power tool as a gift for me. She knows that it would never get used. Much more awesome in my book is the assortment of random e-mail or text messages that she sends me out of the blue to say thanks for being an awesome husband and father! When I read them, I feel like there is nothing that I can’t accomplish!

Honestly, there is no one image of fatherhood and no universal “right way” to celebrate fathers; However, there is one common desire that I’d argue all men have and that is the desire to know that what he is doing is appreciated and is worth something!

We Recreate What We Celebrate

Values are, in my opinion, both taught and caught. With our words, our corrections, and our daily actions, we are communicating our values to others. Most would probably agree with me there. What we often overlook, though, is the fact that the things we celebrate are the things that we, ultimately, recreate.

Here’s one way to think about it. When a child is young, they quickly learn that certain actions will earn them positive attention from the people around them. Over time, they can be seen repeating those actions, often hoping to earn more positive attention and praise. As parents, teachers, and others with influence over young children, we learn to celebrate certain things, rewarding desirable behaviors and attributes. At the same time, we withhold celebration and reward when that child exhibits some undesirable behavior or attribute. In doing so, we are teaching that child, communicating certain values. The goal is always to pass along those desirable values and behaviors, getting that child to internalize and reproduce them. I’m convinced that this manner of teaching and passing along of values does not end with childhood.

If this true, what are we communicating to young boys, teenage boys, young adult males and young dads about fatherhood? I would argue that our society is sending a resounding message to boys that says fathers are expendable. The message seems to be that fathers are a “nice to have,” but not essential. We give the impression that what the father brings to the family is dispensable, nonessential, extra.

Here is one simple truth that every woman would be wise to figure out: Not one man in this world flourishes in an environment that tells him that he is simply extra!

All that being said, I’m admonishing the wise people among us to begin to think critically and act swiftly to start celebrating fathers. Let younger males see that fatherhood matters and is desirable. Better yet, let them know that our expectation is that every father would be present and active in the lives of their children. Only when we change expectations and become more thoughtful and intentional about what we celebrate will we begin to see meaningful change.

After all, the things that we celebrate are the things that we eventually recreate!

If you’ve followed my blog over the last year or so, you know that I write primarily about family and fatherhood. In fact, telling stories and raising awareness around those two topics were huge motivations for starting the blog in the first place. Follow me on Twitter or Facebook and you’ll see that a huge portion of my content relates, in some way, to family and fatherhood. Check out my Instagram and I’m sure you know by now what you’d find. That’s right…many of my pics capture moments that reflect family and fatherhood. All of this is true not by accident or by consequence. There are many other topics that I find interesting, but I’ve come to believe that few things are more important and worthy of discussion than family and fatherhood.

That is why even after the Father’s Day holiday has passed, I feel inclined to invite all of you, my friends and associates, to join me in celebrating fathers and the contributions that they make to our families and communities! This post is one in a series of four that I hope will free us up to celebrate fathers in more genuine ways!

Why is Permission Necessary?

When I think about family dynamics and reflect on what I notice in society, I observe a growing reluctance to acknowledge and affirm the role of the father in the life of the family. It seems that we have formed this false dichotomy where celebrating fathers is degrading to mothers. Similarly, we often hesitate to celebrate fathers who are responsible and present, fearing that we might offend families where fathers are absent. In the name of sensitivity, we are often quite muted towards fathers. On one hand, we wave the banner saying that fatherlessness is an epidemic. On the other hand, we struggle or refuse to say thanks with any regularity and clarity to men who rise to the occasion day after day. We know better; yet, we hold back. My hope is that we can begin to address that breakdown!

So, If you’ve ever hesitated to make a big deal out of a father handling his business, take this opportunity to go bananas!

It’s a celebration!

Discussion Question: Would you say that it’s more natural to celebrate mothers? Why or Why not?

Today is a big one in my family. Our daughter, Taylor, turns 3 years old! Where has the time gone?

It seems like just last week that Shanequa and I walked cautiously to our car, bringing home our firstborn child from the hospital. We live about 10 minutes from the hospital, but it took us about 20 minutes to get home because I was driving so slow! She still makes fun of me for getting upset at the other drivers who were traveling at the speed limit. Didn’t they know that we had precious cargo in that car?

Somehow, that was three years ago. I honestly have no idea where the time went.

As we move into year three of this parenting life, Shanequa and I sat down to think about the road ahead for us and for our firstborn. Somehow, that turned into a short list of prayers. I thought that I’d share a few of those prayers with you, our friends.

That Taylor would know God, personally. We don’t take it for granted that Taylor will know and love God simply because of our faith in Christ or because of my vocation. Our constant prayer is that God would pursue her and that she would say, “Yes,” over and over again!

That Taylor would know her self-worth…”you is smart, you is kind, you is important.” The Help brilliantly reminded us of the responsibility that we carry as parents to help shape our daughter’s self-image and self-worth. Every day, we see reminders in society of young women who never realized their value. We pray and work daily that Taylor will have no confusion about such things.

That Taylor would find wonder everywhere and grow daily through discovery.There is a big, beautiful world out there. As we teach Taylor to know and love God, we will be sure to have her experience the beauty of his handiwork. A bird singing in a tree. An ocean that seems to never end. Vast mountains and massive valleys. We pray that she would have countless WOW moments as she grows. May she forever be fascinated!

That Taylor would pursue her passions. I can already see the seedlings of this prayer coming to be. Like her mother, Taylor is a very strong-willed young lady. (Smiley Face) Like her father, Taylor has an opinion about everything! (Wink) Our prayer is that God will use these strengths for his glory and that Taylor will work passionately toward the causes of her day. Big or small, we pray that she would give her all to something beyond her.

That Taylor would care deeply for others. Whatever her passions may be, we pray that a part of it would bring her to a place of caring deeply for others, especially the poor and hurting people of our world. We pray that she would not be able to ignore the needs of others, even if she tried. May she have a greater sense of the collective than either of her parents did.

Honestly, our prayers could be summarized into one simple prayer: Dear God, please help our daughter to love you, to love others, and to live a life that pleases you. Little else matters. Little else will last.