I don’t remember exactly how it started, but it ended with my 20 year old returned missionary son crying, shaking, bearing his Mormon testimony, and then leaving to “take a walk.” Between all that I said some things, while true, that I regret and that he’s not ready to hear. He and a couple of my other children shared a few LGBTQ LDS experiences, both positive and negative, and things got a little too sensitive.

Without even trying to accurately report the full conversation, I’ll say that at one point my son said that the LDS church is very different from what it was when I was part of it. In 11 years since I left, things have supposedly so dramatically changed from the previous 40 years that I wouldn’t recognize it especially with regards to LGBTQ issues.

I’ve had lots of opinions on that book and the unintended consequences of its publication but I’ve held off saying anything because I hadn’t actually read it.

So, I read it.

I read it after it was being used as a weapon to diminish my voice and my LDS experience or to support an imaginary world where the LDS organization and community is LGBT friendly and anything but homophobic.

I am clearly NOT it’s intended audience.

I had completely forgotten the sycophantic tone of LDS authors but this was a big slapping reminder of that. Every time there’s a grand point to be made an LDS General Authority quote is inserted and the reader is supposed to ponder it in awe that a human being could utter such goodness. Each time that happened my eyes rolled back into my head a little more.

If there’s a sweeping theme of the book it’s that we (and by ‘we’ he means anyone who is a believing LDS member with an LGBTQ person in their midst, family, friend or ward member) should love and accept one another. THAT I can get behind, except that it completely ignores the status quo in most LDS wards, families and leadership quorums. According to Christofferson we’re not supposed to worry about LDS policies or leadership and the damage that they can do. It’s the old, “I don’t know and I don’t care. It will all be figured out in the afterlife.”

That’s naive and not good enough for me.

Let’s face a few facts. This book would never have been published if:

He were not the brother of an LDS apostle

He had not returned to the LDS faith like a prodigal son in his advanced years

He were still in a committed homosexual partnership like the one he was required to walk away from in order to get re-baptized and have his temple blessings restored.

As much as he and others pretend that the intention and message of the book is to honor any path and any choice, there would be no message and there would be no book without those 3 key elements. Those ARE the message. Given that fact, I’m left actually feeling sorry for the poor sap who, after 60 years, couldn’t break from the LDS homophobic indoctrination to remain committed to his loving partner.

The book reads like a tragedy to me for that reason.

It’s about the breakup of a family, but it’s just a gay family so the reality of that crisis never gets the full light of day.

It’s about an aging man who still so desperately wants to please his older brother that he’ll throw himself on the sword to do so.

It’s about the isolated goodness and kindness that some humans can show towards one another when there’s something that they don’t understand.

It’s about those very same humans not flinching at all when their gay brother, son, uncle and friend trades love for a solitary life to achieve their FULL acceptance.

It’s about the depths of indoctrination and how that thick muck NEVER leaves.

If the book was reflective of any sort of change in the LDS faith why didn’t his brother, the apostle, write it?

And let’s not let one little glaring fact escape this discussion: Tom Christofferson left the church and completely ignored the leadership for over 30 years during a time that many of us instead stayed. We followed the LDS plan of marriage, kids, callings, temple attendance, scripture study, etc based on our faith that it was true and that we and our families would be “blessed.” Instead of blessed, we got screwed and we caused a lot of collateral damage in the wake of our following the brethren. He escaped all that.

It strikes me as incredibly callous for someone like Tom to have avoided the pain of church activity and then to re-enter the picture later in life with a softened libido and tell his story of faith and family.

I was WAY more committed for far many more years when it was crucial and my divorce and financial ruin and raw emotions are all a result of following the brethren. His current life is only possible because he DIDN’T follow the brethren. His story, more than anything is a testament that leaving the church allows you you maintain some semblance of favorable attitude towards it.

I do believe that there are loving and accepting LDS members out there and I still desperately want to believe that my own children are counted among them. I’m glad those were exclusively the ones that Christofferson encountered in his east and west coast wards. My experience has been quite different for the most part. And yet I do recall my year long stint in college in a Manhattan ward that was much like he described even back in the 80’s. Nowhere else but in coastal metropolitan areas is it remotely like that.

But my point to my son and readers of this book is that for the most part it doesn’t matter. The end result will still be the same. Tom Christofferson is still alone. He’s still gay. Every single one of those “kind” and “loving” LDS members in Christofferson’s life and in my life will still walk into an election booth and vote exactly as the LDS leadership want them to, homophobic choice or not. They’ll still raise their hands to the square in obedience to the leaders in Salt Lake City even if it goes against their personal experiences and their own moral compass.

Yes, Brother Christofferson, we may all be one. It’s just that that one is in the image of a stale, tired and out-dated group of 90 year old homophobic dudes in Salt Lake City. That’s my perspective on your faith and your broken family.

I had an enlightening weekend attending my first Affirmation Conference in Provo Utah. After 12 years of being an out gay ex-Mormon I was invited by friends to attend this conference because of the powerful affect it has had upon them and the friendships it had fostered.

For those who don’t know, Affirmation is a gay organization for Mormons and former Mormons. It’s not too hard to imagine that getting gay Mormons and gay ex-Mormons together is an exercise of epic proportions where each side maintains vastly different ideas of how one should approach Mormonism. The similarities that bring them together in Affirmation is that, unlike North Star, Affirmation recognizes and affirms all life paths as valid and worthy regardless of church affiliation. North Star is faith-based which really only validates 2 options for gay Mormons:

Celibacy

Mixed orientation marriage

Affirmation also includes folks living those two life choices, but it further encompasses divorced gay fathers like me, young gays who are actively dating and hope to marry one day, currently married gay couples, single sexually active homosexuals, trans and bisexual folks as well as other folks representing all the initials in LGBTQ+ acronym.

While North Star is primarily faith affirming, Affirmation is primarily LGBTQ+ affirming.

I had the good fortune of meeting some pioneers of Affirmation and learning a bit of the history of that organization. These are people who paved the way for homosexuals with a Mormons background and who lived life on their own terms. I don’t think enough is said about gay history in general, but Mormons and ex-Mormons certainly know very little homosexuality in their culture. I’m hoping to change that by posting a little of that here.

If you are interested, you may want to start out with some important primer information:

Edit Note: This post won a 2017 Brodie Award for Best Discussion on Parenting!

Thank you to all who voted.

It has been 2 years since my son left for his Mormon mission to South America. His farewell was one of the worst moments of my life.

Nothing about his decision diminished my love for him, but his leaving and the events surrounding it left me feeling discarded and misunderstood. At his farewell in particular, I sat on the church pews listening to him pontificate on his assigned speaking topic, something about having a righteous family. Of course, that led to mentions of Jesus being the only way and how important it was that his mom had taught him about all things Jesus and Mormon.

I was just an invisible unnecessary placeholder in his eternal quest for the self-congratulatory eternal family. I was ignored completely in that sermon on family.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot, but I swallowed it and moved forward maintaining a loving stance.

I’ve e-mailed him each week religiously. He tells me that his companions and other missionary friends rarely get letters from their fathers. I find it fascinating how those more Mormon, but rather self-absorbed and negligent fathers are institutionally seen as better than me.

They wear the right underwear.

My e-mails have usually been full of the latest details about our family, me and his sisters. I always tried to include a healthy amount of humor. I’d send jokes or the latest memes because I know how somber and dreadfully serious everything can be on a mission.

But now that he’s coming back I’ve been dreading the same sort of snubbing at homecoming events that I experienced when he left.

So, I’ve decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to take my power back. I’ll be hosting my own welcome back party for him. I’ll be inviting my gay and ex-Mormon friends and he can invite whomever he wants. The focus will be on our joy to have him back. That’s it. I’ve run it by him and he has agreed!! I’m very excited.

I don’t want to just place my address out there on the web, but if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area on August 26 please message me and I’ll link you to the invitation. You are invited. This is the invitation without those details. What do you think?

Misfits and Mormons: Mission Homecoming Open House

When: August 26, 2017 6:00 – 9:00 PM

My Son is coming home from his mission to Chile! Please come celebrate my son’s mission return at an open house style party at my home.

I realize this is a rather odd invitation since none of you know my son and only a few of you even know me. Read and consider coming anyway.

In the 2 years that have passed I’ve met so many fellow gay Mormons and apostate Ex-Mormons that you are like family to me. So, instead of feeling left out and ignored at the typical homecoming events, I’ve decided to create my own event to celebrate my happiness to have my son back. He has agreed to participate and he will invite whomever he wants.

My son and I have a great relationship with mutual love and respect.

Join us if you can support that and help me create a safe, welcoming demilitarized zone between his believing Mormon friends and those of us who have stepped beyond it.

Like this:

Saw the play Fun Home over the weekend during a getaway in L.A. to celebrate a friend’s 50th birthday. I’m often touched in the theatre, but I rarely cry in the theatre.

I cried on Saturday night. Twice.

As the first Broadway musical with a lesbian protagonist, Fun Home balances humor and tragedy to create an emotional roller-coaster of introspection that left me pondering for days.

First, the little boy inside me cried at the acknowledgement that like Alyson, the protagonist, he saw himself in other gay men at a very young age and knew he was like them. I cried that that little boy felt fear rather than wonder and joy. The song, “Ring of Keys” as performed at the 2015 Tony awards is a beautiful rendition of this pivotal moment for gay youth.

My second moment came near the end when Alyson’s Mom reveals the true extent of her pain in her marriage to Alyson’s Dad, Bruce. He is a closeted gay man who has created a life of deception and untruth for those around him. The song “Days and Days” provides a window into the wife’s pain and hopelessness. I cried both in empathy for my ex-wife and in gratitude that I stopped it before it got this bad. I came out and we divorced in time for both of us to have a life.

I’m so happy that I have renewed my season tickets for the traveling Broadway shows in my area to see this touching play again.

(I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this post in response to the recent “gay relationships are counterfeit” controversy)

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized. Don’t get me wrong! I’m the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically. I’m the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, “Sweetheart, come on. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS.”

But there’s also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0. We aren’t living authentically either. And our suffering and scars aren’t seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain.

And if you’re just joining this conversation: No. It is not just about sex. And regardless, sex is important and crucial. But THE THING that it’s about for us (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse) is the Intimacy. Lemme know if you don’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I’ll write another post just for you. I’ll even address it to you… “Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~”

I have some very visceral commentary on this, hopefully, I can be articulate and, as always, my intent is to be affecting.

I’m getting ahead of myself (the visceral). Article by General Authority:

First off~

The title of the article is The War Goes On. Nothing subtle about that.

War.

Goddamn Fucking Serious.

Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.

You know, war.

And then, but of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy. And he’s gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! And ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church. So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.

And in case you forgot, that meant Jesus made that sacrifice dying for our sins, because we’re all pieces of shit.

(I’m walking you through the beginning of the article to prep you. It’s all build-up, people.)

Then our dude goes into the ways Satan operates.

We get to point number 2, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.

“Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites. The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23).”

We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way…? Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories of acceptance of a LGBTQ kid by a member of the church?

Okay, so if you haven’t buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now.

I’m gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse… in no uncertain terms, like a big ol’ gay dick smacking you across the face.

Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality.

Darkness.
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit.

These vulnerable, naïve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things.

But the straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview.

Nor does the straight spouse understand that their own sexuality will be shoved into a closet.

Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to…(ready for this?)…survive. There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy- the lack of being caressed, the void of hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, the absence of a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact and devours your heart.

Look, I’m not really talking about marriage. I’m talking about connection and romantic love. I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time. But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there.

So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-

Darkness… Gray… All the time. Everyday. And I was living the ‘gospel’. I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony. That shit was legit.

So… tell me. Why the gray?

Was my marriage edifying? My friendship with g’ex was, yes. But the marriage? Naw. Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying. It breaks you.

The ‘lasting happiness’ part of the article? Fuck me… The ‘lasting’ sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground (firm foundation, as it were) to begin with.

The worthless part. Oh my god. This one makes my head spin.

You Mormons out there… Hey, y’all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah? You getting this? GA’s subtext: LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.

Obviously, my mind goes to the bona fide, irrefutable love that two properly matched humans can experience. But, hey, you know what else couldn’t be further from worthless? Being desired.

I’ve had one nighters… (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride… also, hi, mom). I’ve been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with. A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept. But… worthless experience.

And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument: marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the ‘gospel’. If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I’d pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:

My marriage was counterfeit.

My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live in a counterfeit way?

If you do, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I deteriorated. Breathing hurt. Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self. I was not an example to anyone of how to live. My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad.

And I absolutely was suicidal at a point.

Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own. Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom. And fuck that.

In just two years there have been some excellent additions, and there are some I missed that I want to highlight here. I don’t have cable, so all these can be seen on streaming services (Amazon Video, Netflix, or Hulu). These are not all necessarily all centered on a gay theme. Some of them just have major characters who are gay while the plot revolves around something else entirely.

“When We Rise” chronicles the real-life personal and political struggles, set-backs and triumphs of a diverse family of LGBT men and women, who helped pioneer one of the last legs of the U.S. Civil Rights movement from its turbulent infancy in the 20th century to the once unfathomable successes of today.

This should be required viewing for anyone coming out or anyone who has a loved one coming out. There are a lot of pioneers who paved the way to make it easier for us today.

In this USA Network TV series, two innocent teenage boys secretly meet up in the forest and witness a triple homicide. They barely escape with their lives. Desperate to keep their relationship a secret and in fear of being found by the perpetrator, they remain silent, but soon learn that what has been seen cannot be unseen and when you witness a horrible event it changes everything, forever.

Unfortunately, Eyewitness wasn’t renewed and there’s only 1 season. It has so many plot twists and unconventional characters that I found it riveting. The two main characters are gay and that is a major factor in the plot development, but it doesn’t belabor their homosexuality. This show would be in one of my top TV shows of the decade easily.

The Falls (part 1) is a feature film about two missionaries that fall in love while on their mission. I found this trilogy far more true to Mormonism and my gay experience than any other full length feature on the topic. It’s really well done and with a production value that you don’t always get in gay-themed movies

In part II, Chris and RJ reunite five years after coming out to their families and their church as gay men, where the factors that led to their separation are revealed as they mourn the death of their mutual friend Rodney.

The third and final installment of the hit Falls trilogy! Chris and RJ, former Mormon missionaries who fell in love seven years ago, are struggling to make their relationship work amid conflicts with their families and their faith. Determined to finally find closure and put the past behind them, the two men set in motion a quest for unconditional love that ultimately leads to the very top of the LDS leadership.

This film uncovers the fascinating universe of one of the first gay liberation communities in the world, place in Zurich Switzerland in the 1930’s. The film, based on true events, depicts a decades-long love story — made taboo by society — and reveals the couple’s inspiring self-knowledge and courage.

Passions and politics make a volatile mix in this dynamic drama directed by Roland Emmerich that follows the events that led to the birth of the modern Gay Rights movement. When We Rise is better, but this is a worthy attempt.

Tim and John fell in love at their all boys high-school while both were teenagers. John was captain of the football team. Tim an aspiring actor playing the lead in Romeo and Juliet. Their romance endured for 15 years to laugh in the face of everything life threw at it – the separations, the discriminations, the temptations, the jealousies and the losses – until the only problem that love can’t solve, tried to destroy them.

From the co-creator of Friends, Netflix original comedy GRACE AND FRANKIE stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as two women who form an unlikely bond after their husbands reveal they are gay and leave them for each other. I personally don’t like this show I’ve only seen about 5 episodes. I love all the actors, but I either find it too close to home to be funny or too far from reality to be taken seriously. The bottom line is that I don’t find it funny in spite of the fact that it seems to be very popular.

A traditional Irish Catholic family’s world is turned upside down in this offbeat comedy when the oldest son reveals he’s anorexic, the younger son comes out, their daughter starts questioning her faith, and the parents announce a potential divorce. It is loosely based on the life of Dan Savage, the gay sex/relationship podcaster who started the whole It Gets Better Project. There are 2 seasons so far and I find it far more whimsical and even true to life than Grace and Frankie.

Bruno, an architect, has a nice family and a good job. But he’s also plagued by a deep sense of unease, so he decides to leave his wife to be alone and find himself. Relocating to Santiago, Chile, Bruno starts working with a young local history teacher named Fer. When an unexpected and intense romance sparks between them, Bruno must decide where his life will go from here. I like this because one of the characters is married and I’m also a sucker for the fresh perspectives of a foreign film.

Passions re-ignite and secrets revealed when a graphic designer reconnects with the great, lost love of his life for a weekend tryst at a house in the desert near Joshua Tree. From acclaimed director Tim Kirkman (Loggerheads). This one is a little too art-filmy for me the whole way through, but it you have some time on your hands, why not?

Miklós is coming to terms with his own sexuality, and when his best friend Dan reveals that he has a new girlfriend, this puts an end to their plans to run away together. Torn between loyalty to his migrant family and his own desires, and his world is rocked by the death of his brother. Teenage Kicks with themes of guilt, friendship, cultural and familial loyalty, and burgeoning sexuality.

Over seven decades, actor and activist George Takei boldly journeyed from a WWII internment camp, to the helm of the starship Enterprise, to the daily news feeds of five million Facebook fans. Join George and his husband Brad on this star’s playful and profound trek for life, liberty, and love.

Academy Award-nominated filmmaker Kirby Dick (“This Film Is Not Yet Rated”) delivers a searing indictment of the hypocrisy of closeted politicians who actively campaign against the LGBT community they covertly belong to. “Outrage” boldly reveals the hidden lives of some of our nation’s most powerful policymakers, details the harm they’ve inflicted on millions of Americans, and examines the media’s complicity in keeping their secrets.

The Emmy Award and Golden Globe-winning series TRANSPARENT returns for a third season. The Pfefferman family splinters into disparate journeys on their continued path of self-discovery. After a jarring reality check, Maura seeks to become the woman she envisions through gender confirmation surgery. All paths converge on a family cruise to Mexico, affirming that though their family history is murky, each Pfefferman is their truest self when they come together.

(Spanish) Matias and Jeronimo were childhood friends. Before high school, the friendship turns to desire. Until Matias moves to Brazil. Years later, Matias returns with his girlfriend, unexpectedly meets Jeronimo, and feelings reawaken.

One moment links 8 minds in disparate parts of the world, putting 8 strangers in each other’s lives, each other’s secrets, and in terrible danger. A couple of gay characters and bisexual situations are secondary to the plot, but the icing on the cake in this binge-worthy series.

A Spanish production where Philosophy teacher Merlí’s disregard for rules riles director Toni but enchants his students, who struggle with family, identity, romance and fear. Merli’s son is gay and this subplot carries throughout season 1.

Although 28-year-old Louis XIV is the sole ruler of France, the nobles remain a thorn in his side, prompting him to move the court from Paris to Versailles and begin building the palace that will become his home — and their cage. The king’s brother maintains a gay lover.

When small-town auto mechanic Adam announces to his best buddies that he’s gay, they’re stunned and bewildered at first. But after the shock wears off, they learn everything they can about being gay and set out to help Adam find a beau. It’s cute and something you could watch with a straight friend.

A struggling comedy writer, fresh from breaking up with his boyfriend, moves to Sacramento to help his sick mother. Living with his conservative father and younger sisters, David feels like a stranger in his childhood home. As his mother worsens, he tries to convince everyone (including himself) he’s “doing okay.”

OMG I just got a text from my ex-wife that she sent to me and my three girls. Tomorrow was supposed to be the wedding. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go back and read: Could This Be About YOU? I explained that I was flabbergasted that my kids’ step-sister was marrying a gay young man.

I don’t know either one of them so I felt hopeless and frustrated that my ex hadn’t intervened somehow.

By some miracle the girl called it off the day before the wedding!

Here’s the text. I was included because it’s my weekend with the kids and they were going to have to leave to attend during their time with me. My ex is the first message. Mine is the last, and my girls’ texts in the middle.

If you’re the girl reading this, good for you. That was probably so hard to do. You’ll thank yourself later and time will heal the disappointment and doubt you must be feeling.

If you’re the guy reading this, I’m sure you’re hurting right now but please take some time to get honest with yourself and find men to talk to who have been through what you’re going through. Your life can still be happy and joyful and filled with love and with a future family.

Live on the outside in a manner consistent with how you feel on the inside and peace will come to you.

Are you a recently returned Mormon missionary about to get married knowing deep down in your gut that you are gay?

Don’t do it!

The name of this blog, Dad’s Primal Scream, has never been more appropriate.

To me, a primal scream starts from some deep inner angst while outwardly observing something horrific over which I have no control. The good news is that today it’s not about my kids. It’s about someone else’s child, someone I don’t know personally.

Could this be about you?

I understand what it’s like to not WANT to be gay, to want a celestial marriage, and to want that picture perfect happiness of a faithful LDS family sealed in the temple. And being gay just doesn’t jive with that. It doesn’t fit into that plan.

I understand how growing up in the church one can imagine that you’re only gay if you are doing gay things. And if you’re not actually having gay sex, then you must not be gay. I get how you got into that head space.

The problem is that it’s an oversimplification of human nature. You cannot strong-arm sexual attraction and desire like they want you to believe you can.

How do I know you?

I don’t.

But, I do know you exist, and that you are about to make a grave, powerful mistake.

My ex-wife’s current husband also has four children, teens and young adults. These children are the step-siblings of my somewhat younger children. Rumor has it that one of the step-sisters is about to get married to her fiance who is gay. Well, he was once gay, or once did something slightly gay, or only has a tiny ounce of gay in him at the moment, or he’s been cured.

All I really know is that my kids have heard the whispering of his cured homosexuality and that the marriage is proceeding. My ex-wife who was so greatly hurt in our divorce and my subsequent coming out is standing on the sidelines while her step-daughter makes the same horrible mistake. Well, no, actually worse because the bride knows this time.

Horrified at hearing all this, I asked my daughter why their mother isn’t stepping in to say or do something. She told that her mom didn’t want to be mean and had said,

“If two people love each other and are faithful enough in the gospel then it will all work out!!!”

What’s that saying? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.”

The problem in our marriage wasn’t that we didn’t love enough or weren’t faithful enough in the gospel. That simple-minded answer horrifies me and it ignores the truth.

It’s mean to stand idly by and let someone make such a mistake and to not say anything. So, I’m saying something.

I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you or even shaken your hand. I only know you in the 3rd person but I understand you more than you think I do.

DON’T DO IT.

I did something very similar 22 years ago and it was only sustainable for a short period of time, for almost 11 years.

Sure, some people marry and survive just like some people venture over Niagara Falls and survive it, but not without injuring themselves and many people in the process. It leads to a weak quality of life and a deep chronic inner turmoil. According to information from a USU study, “The findings suggest that rejection or compartmentalization of sexual identity may be difficult to sustain over time and likely comes at a significant psychosocial cost.”

Those who paint a rosy picture of such marriages are being dishonest and duplicitous with you. More specifically they are being dismissive of their wives and of your current fiance. If you really truly loved her, you wouldn’t do this to her. And she wouldn’t expect it of you if her friendship and love were true.

I understand the wedding is soon. My ex-wife was out shopping today for a dress for my daughter to wear. It could even be this weekend but I suggest you reconsider NOW. It’s not too late.

I know so many happy, out, gay men who are living lives of integrity and honesty. Many are also returned missionaries. They’re good fathers, loving partners and valuable members of society. They’re successful. You could be that too and there are a lot of us out here ready to welcome you with open arms. You don’t know me but you are welcome to knock on my door anytime and I’ll listen. I’ll introduce you to others and we’ll help you in any way we can.

Me: Probably because his religion taught him to disrespect and be disgusted by gay people.

Daughter: So he’s Mormon?

(crickets…pick my jaw up from floor)

Me: …No, but many gays have died because of what Mormons teach about gays. This appears to be a Muslim terrorist.

To provide some context for that conversation, I don’t talk much about Mormonism with my kids, much less how it treats gays. Last November was the first and last time I remember having any type of discussion about it. This dialogue above was entirely unsolicited. It was a window into the experience of a teenage girl who has her own mind and her own observation skills.

She attends church and all the accompanying activities with her mother. With me she does not. How the two worlds intersect is her own interpretation.

But, if any of you doubt that I was speaking accurately in my response to her, here are a few facts… Mama Dragons, a group of Mormon mothers have documented 30+ suicides directly related to Mormons changing their policy towards gays since Nov. 2015.

The most well known murder of a young gay man, Matthew Shepard was committed by a pair of fellows, one of which was Mormon.

And with regards to terrorism, the worse terrorist attack on American soil before 9/11/2001 was committed by a band of Mormons in Southern Utah in 1857… also on September 11 ironically. 100-140 non Mormons were slaughtered at Mountain Meadows by Mormons who blamed it on the local Indians.

I’m not trying to say Mormons are somehow involved in this tragedy or that today’s Mormon is capable of the type of violence we saw in Orlando. But if a 12 year old Mormon girl can see the connection, surely we can agree that the environment fostered in Mormonism today towards gays is the beginning of something that festers into Orlando.

The fact that recent revelations show that the killer had been frequenting that bar and using gay dating apps convinces me even more that “horrifying violence starts as embers”

There have been various responses to the Orlando tragedy in blogs and on Facebook. Some of them discuss ISIS, Islam, gun legislation or lack thereof, love for others or lack thereof. Some seem to argue that we should forget all those details and that there’s just one lesson to be learned…Love.

Love.

I agree with that sentiment but I don’t think it occurs at the expense of dismissing all the facts in a tragedy like this. We need to know if it was a closeted, repressed gay man, who had been recruited by religious Islamic fundamentalists, who then resolved to attack others with an assault rifle, others who represented what he most hated about himself. That’s a lot of assumptions in that run-on sentence there I know, but that’s the way it’s shaping up at this point in time. We need to know all that because while you may not have been the shooter you may

I actually had someone I grew up with say that he’d “never heard a lesson in a Mormon church, taught about gays.”

If you are a current Mormon claiming to have never heard a lesson taught about gays you either need to wake up in meetings, you are completely clueless, or you are a liar. Just a simple Google search on homosexuality and Boyd K Packer, Spencer W Kimball, Prop 8 or Mormons will do the trick. If you don’t think those things are Orlando in embryo then you are part of the problem.

The religious fanaticism witnessed last weekend occurs in all religions as an observant pre-teen can figure out all on her own.

What does make it better is the growth that comes from understanding the problem mixed with love. I’ve fortunately heard and read those type of comments too. Lt Gov. Cox of Utah gave a somber, repentant speech acknowledging that he hasn’t always shown kindness and acceptance and that that’s part of the problem. I respect that and forgive him.

One of my favorite poets WH Auden wrote, “We must love one another or die” and that is what we affirm tonight. The brave kids that call for help and the adults who answer that call with love.

The horrifying violence starts as embers. In the last 6 months alone there have been over 106 anti-LGBT bills introduced in state legislatures. 34 States in all. Local control bills, anti-trans bills and the absurdly titled Religious Freedom bills.

We must love one another.

That’s the lens, the only lens. Not Red State Blue State. Not Federal Government versus State Government. No saying well that’s North Carolina or that’s Mississippi. No resting on the glory of being legally married.

Just as we would cover a baby with a blanket, we need to wrap all our kids everywhere in a loving embrace.

And that means making our world kinder and safer for them to come out to and join in.

So as we all leave tonight, let’s pledge to continue the project of Trevor – to keep our kids safe. Let’s pledge to share in the responsibility to fight every heinous bill everywhere, and to demand in word and deed respect, civility and fairness from our elected officials.

Gay boys growing up along with me in the 70’s and 80’s were sheltered from knowing there was a thriving gay community! Oh, we knew there was a “lifestyle,” spoken of in hushed tones and with sad eyes. But it always appeared to involve crack, or heroine and living in a van down by the river.

At 40 years old when I began to socialize with other gay men I found that I was 20 years behind them in gay pop culture and self-awareness. I hadn’t seen the plays. I hadn’t watched the TV shows or movies. And I certainly hadn’t had the social life.

Watch for Free on HBO or Amazon Prime

I recall as a young boy hearing about Billy Crystal’s gay character on Soap and later about Ellen’s coming out but my Mom wouldn’t allow us to watch it and I didn’t allow myself to watch Ellen. It’s hard to believe now but you just didn’t see homosexuals portrayed on TV in the 80’s and rarely in the 90’s.

The first shows I eventually allowed myself to watch were powerful for me.

Back when I was still married, Mormon, very much in the closet, an employee of mine suggested I watch a show I’d never heard of. She said that she was sure I’d like Angels in America. She didn’t tell me much about the plot other than it was about a Mormon man in New York City and that I really had to see it. She even went so far as to tape it on VHS to give to me on her last day of work. Oddly, she said my wife probably wouldn’t like it, so I should probably just watch it alone. So I did. On my lunchbreak. In my Office. With the door closed.

Wow!

That woman, my employee, obviously sensed that I was gay. Her gesture was a love bomb of the highest order.

So, I’m going to love bomb you.

Here are some movies, plays and TV shows that have powerfully touched me as I’ve walked forward to a more authentic life. I’m not going to present these as a list. You can find a bunch of top ten lists out there of gay movies, or shows with humanist values. Just google them. But these are some significant works of performance art that have meant something on my journey out. I’m only listing what I’ve actually seen. I’m sure there are many more.

First some housekeeping.

You’re going to want to get movie/TV streaming service or two. Most of these shows are available to rent, stream or buy. Some are just on YouTube. I recently cut my cable … kind of. My new job pays my Internet connection and the cable company gave me basic TV for only $5 more. Now, I have only very basic cable plus these streaming services and I’m saving over $120 from what I used to pay. I have Amazon Prime, Hulu Plus, Netflix and when I moved I got a killer deal on HBO and Showtime. There’s also a really cool app called Yidio that connects to all of these services and lets you search among them all to find the shows you want to watch.

You can watch all this stuff on your phone or other device so you don’t have to barricade yourself into your office on lunch breaks like I did! Happy viewing!

Make sure you come back to comment or add suggestions!!!

Heads up! These shows contain language and sexual scenes that might disturb fresh Mormon or Christian sensibilities. Most of my recommendations, but not all, are quite irreverent but not vulgar or pornographic.

Live Theatre

My first suggestion is go to live theatre if at all possible. The reason live theatre tops my suggestions is that there’s a different dimension to the experience that you can’t get from watching a movie alone. As a young boy seeing A Chorus Linefor the first time, it wasn’t necessarily the play that impacted me most. It was the overwhelming approval and acceptance I personally felt from my fellow audience members by them showing their approval and acceptance of the gay characters on the stage!

Angels in America is based on a play by the way. Go see it if it’s playing nearby. Same goes for A Chorus Line! (Don’t bother with A Chorus Line the movie though).

Watch on HBO Go

One play that does transfer well to the screen is The Normal Heart. It chronicles the AIDS epidemic at its inception. If nothing else, it will fill you with gratitude that you didn’t come out earlier and go through all that disease and death. Not coming out in my teens probably saved my life.

There’s also a one man show called Confessions of a Mormon Boy. I saw it in San Diego a few years ago and enjoyed it. I think it’s well written even if it did seem to be a bit overacted in places (In a BYU Young Ambassadors sort of way) for the small intimate setting in which it played. Still, Steven Fales has earned my respect for making lemonade out of lemons. So much of his story is my story. And there’s a large chunk of it that veers far from my experience, but it’s fascinating. As a gay Mormon man he married a woman who herself had had a gay father, believe it or not! He’s the former son in law of Carol Lynn Pearson if that means anything to you.

I can’t find the full thing on streaming. You can buy it on Amazon.

Speaking of one person shows, one weekend when my wife was traveling out of state I drove up to Hollywood to see Julia Sweeney’s Letting Go of God. The experience with that audience was a lot like my A Chorus Line experience. It helped me solidify that I really wasn’t the crazy one! I found Julia Sweeney so easy to relate to even though she grew up Catholic. She describes a gentle but hilarious visit with Mormon missionaries. You can see that portion here.

You may be more familiar with the movie Birdcage starring Robin Williams and Nathan Lane based on this play. The general theme is to be yourself – the haters be damned! You can watch on Hulu Plus or Netflix.

A musical that includes a closeted gay Mormon missionary and a missionary tap dance number complete with jazz hands? I’m in!

TV Shows

Back when I was still married, but was beginning to come out to myself I clandestinely watched Queer Eye For the Straight Guy and Boy Meets Boy. Those 2 shows were my first introduction into popular gay … stuff. No matter how you feel about stereotypical gay culture, they are fun shows to watch.

Watch on Showtime Anytime

Queer as Folk. In another instance of a friend believing I needed to watch a show so much that he gave me the Queer as Folkseries on DVD. One of my first fleeting boyfriends introduced me to itduring the brief time we were together. If there were only one TV show to watch, this would be it.

Don’t take it too seriously, but have fun with the foreign way most of these guys are just so accepting of themselves and each other. The series got a lot of criticism for perpetuating gay stereotypes, but I enjoyed it. I found the characters well-rounded enough to keep my interest. They are a group of gay friends living in Toronto, I believe. This is binge-worthy TV.

Watch on YouTube

I LOVED, LOVED 1 Girl 5 Gays! It’s not for the faint of heart and some episodes can also be full of stereotypes, but I grew to really like the men as I watched it on LOGO TV. This loosely structured talk show explores adult-oriented topics with a rotating panel of five gay men or five lesbians. The questions asked usually revolve around sex and relationships, although more serious issues, such as HIV and abortion, are sometimes raised.

I believe there’s a newer Canadian TV version. You’ll grow to love and dislike the rotating cast members. It gives you an idea what it would have been like to grow up gay in a metropolitan area in your early 20’s. 1 Girl 5 Gays definitely skews younger but it’s good entertainment for us old dudes too.You can find episodes scattered on YouTube, the LOGO TV web site, and Canadian MTV web site (although, I was unable to access these in the US)

In fact watch it if you’ve ever felt like a square peg in a round hole… struggling for a fresh start… like a middle aged recently out gay man. So, so funny!

Rent on Amazon

Exes and Ohs. This is like a lesbian Queer as Folk. I only got into it because I knew the writer/actress Michelle Paradise (sort of..read about it here). Too often gay men and lesbians never cross paths. I went through a period where I thought one of my children might be lesbian so I thought I’d watch this. It’s a little less well known than The L Word, which I’ve never seen.

You have to be OK with anti-heroes as protagonists. If the picture above makes you uncomfortable don’t watch this show! One of the kids is gay. None of these characters are “good people”, but they are all likable in a very twisted way.

Like Shameless, if you want to grow to love a very imperfect person, get to know Nurse Jackie, starring Edie Falco. This show really has nothing to do with being gay or even leaving a religious tradition, but it has everything to do with a very flawed human being who at the same time just so happens to be a very worthy human being. If you’ve ever lied or felt out of control while on the surface appearing A-OK, in this show you can witness Jackie’s similar juggling act.

Loads of fun watching these sitcoms with gay lead characters, but then you probably already knew about them.

Movies

On Netflix!

The last gay themed movie I saw wasThe Way He Looksbased on the recommendation of fellow blogger, Gay Mormon Southpaw. The charm of this movie is that the underlying gay theme isn’t blown out of proportion. It’s an endearing coming of age story about a blind teenager, his best friend and the newcomer at the school. For a movie of this genre, it is incredibly well acted and produced. Believable. In Portuguese with English subtitles. Warning: If your taste in men is anything like mine, you’ll find yourself infatuated with Fabio Audi, the actor that plays Gabriel, the new kid. Just plain adorable…and he was actually 23 when it was filmed, so I’m not creeping on a teenager.

Try this YouTube link. I can’t find it anywhere else.

Beautiful Thingcould be called the original The Way He Looks. It’s a classic among gay themed movies. It follows a similar story line. Two young boys fall in love and don’t know how to deal with the challenges of being gay in a straight world. The production value is a little rough around the edges compared to The Way He Looks and I find the ending a little unrealistic, but I definitely cried watching this one.

Buy or rent on Amazon

Milk was so amazing to me because it got me in touch with history that I had no clue about despite growing up at the same time period in California. I find the acting inspiring and the film a very good choice for your library. I rarely buy DVD’s but I have this one.

On Amazon or iTunes

I think you’d have to be living in a cave to not be aware of the mainstream film, Brokeback Mountain. I experienced this movie on my first trip to Palm Springs with a guy I was dating. The theater was packed with gay couples. It was the first time I’d ever felt like the straightest man in a room! Driving home from this movie, one of our friends living in Palm Springs stated, “Wow! I’m glad we don’t have to live in a world like THAT anymore!” as if no one has to repress their gay selves anymore. Clueless. Growing up Mormon in this world still feels a lot like the environment in the movie and there are many many gay men who still live lives like the protagonists in the story.

The movie accurately reflects the values of the 1950s, and you can see that in a scene where Frank says his homosexuality makes him feel “despicable” but he’s “going to lick this problem.” The key to the power of “Far from Heaven” is that it’s never ironic; there is never a wink or a hint that the filmmakers have more enlightened ideas than their characters. This is not a movie that knows more than was known in 1957, but a movie that knows exactly what mainstream values were in 1957–and traps us in them, along with its characters.

I actually didn’t like this movie for the same reason that Roger Ebert did like it. It hit too close to home for me. But it got a reaction out of me, something good art is supposed to do.

On Amazon

For the same reason, I’d recommend A Single Man. Learn what not to do with your life

On Amazon

Maurice. Man I was shaken up by this movie when I sawit. I didn’t really like the ending. I appreciate stories without happy endings because I believe they serve as warnings. It’s still a beautiful movie and one I’d recommend to anyone longing for love or in the throws of it.

Rent on Amazon

I’m not much into the drag scene but I really could identify with Torch Song Trilogy and I really like Harvey Fierstein and Anne Bancroft. There’s a really good scene where Harvey’s character confronts his mother, Anne Bancroft, when some horribly honest things are said. Respect or Nothing. Great scene for anyone preparing to come out.

Watch on Amazon Prime

Religulous. Some people can’t stomach Bill Maher. If you are one of those people, then skip this one. But I love his TV show and he’s in top form here in this movie. I highly recommend this movie for anyone comfortable with questioning religion. In one portion he interviews Tal Bachman, the Post Mormon singer famous for his one hit wonder, She’s So High

Watch on HBOGO or Showtime Anytime

The Truman Show. I can’t get enough of this movie. Coming out of Mormonism is just like Truman hitting that wall in the boat.

I’m not sure why this is such a gay classic film but all of my friends quote from it all the time, especially this scene. If you ever suffered abuse this is a good flick to see.

I’m not entirely sure this belongs in a list of gay classic films any more than Delores Claiborne but I was introduced to it back in high school by a fellow student who, looking back, was also gay and probably frustrated at my cluelessness. A young kid with an elderly fag hag… it just somehow feels gay.