4.10.2014

A Confession: I'm a "Yeller"

And I noticed about three weeks ago that it's pretty much gotten way out of hand.

Then I felt like a huge pile of crap.

Actually, I had felt like crap that whole day, and a lot of other days....and then, in an insomnia session that Friday night, I realized "it". I realized what was going on.

And I got to work on trying to fix it.

It all started on a Friday. I don't know if it was a combination of cabin fever, and that Dude is 4, or what it was. But that day was just rough.

There is no way that I can describe to you, just how rough that day was. But by the end of it, everyone in the house was yelling like crazy, everyone was stressed, and everyone was angry. It was horrible.

Plain old horrible.

I felt like such a horrible mom after we had put the kiddos to bed. I wanted to wake them up, and hug and kiss them and tell them how wonderful they were. And I felt like crying my eyes out.

It's so tiring, just yelling and being frustrated all of the time.

I couldn't understand why Dude would never listen to me. I would get mad at Dude and Princess when they yelled, at each other, and at S and I. So I would yell because I was mad. Then S would start yelling because he was trying to fix the situation that he knew was stressing me out.

Such a horrible, guilt causing, cycle.

Laying in bed that Friday night, I thought about all of it. All. Of. It. WHY was I yelling so much? Why were the kiddos yelling so much? I felt more and more horrible, but finally fell asleep. Slept weird, waking up a lot. Then I woke up Saturday morning with some sort of epiphany that had actually kind of been staring me in the face for a long time.

I'll be honest with you here, I woke up early that Saturday morning, everyone else was still asleep, and I got straight onto Pinterest. Yes, it's where I go to first for a lot of things these days, and will do more intense research from the things that I find on there.

Some of the first articles that I found and read, really struck a major cord with me. You can find them HERE , HERE , and HERE . These articles give parents tips on how to stop yelling, what to do instead, how to get your children's attention in an easier way, and how to go about being a more peaceful household.

At first I thought that there would be no possible way that the approaches in these articles would work.

I was wrong.

I sat there, on our couch, for quite a while before Dude woke up, and I decided that I needed to already start the day over. That I already had to hit the "reset" button. I knew that if I was going to actually try and stop yelling, that I had to have a completely different mindset.

I told myself that I would NOT yell. Plain and simple. I was done yelling.

Dude woke up, and I told him good morning, that I loved him, and gave him a huge hug, just like I do every single morning.

When S and Princess woke up, I sat on the couch and had a very honest talk with S. I told him that I felt like I was losing control because I was yelling so much, and that I needed his help. I told him, that I was not trying to change his way of parenting, that I didn't want him to change who he was, but I needed his help and that if he saw me starting to freak out, that he needed to step in and try to calm me down. He told me that even he felt like my yelling was getting out of hand, that he had noticed when I yelled a lot, he started to yell too, and that everyone would be miserable.

I told him that I wanted to try and not yell at the kids, told him about the articles that I had read, and that I had read an interesting point: that if you talk to your kiddos in weird voices, or you whisper to them instead of yelling, that they laugh, or they have to be quiet to hear what you were trying to say to them.

I tried this out, 10 minutes later as I was trying to get Princess to come to me so that I could change her diaper.

Usually, when we would tell Princess to come to us for a diaper change, she would giggle and run off trying to start a game with us. And we would get mad, and frustrated, and stressed.

When she didn't come right away, I talked to her in a low growly, monster-type voice with a smile on my face.

She smiled and laughed, and came right over to me.

I was blown away. S was blown away.

It had already started. The house was already a million times less stressed.

It has been about 3 weeks, and honestly, I have yelled only a handful of times.

The first time that I yelled at Dude after deciding to stop yelling, I instantly felt like crap again, and all of the horrible feelings came rushing back. I waited a few seconds, and calmly apologized to Dude for yelling at him, but that I needed him to do "such and such". He then did what I had asked him to do.

When I find myself being stressed, and realized that I've yelled, I step out of the situation. I calm myself down. I tell myself to just STOP.

I have to constantly remind myself, that there is no need to yell, that I have battles to pick, that I get more bees with honey. I stop sometimes during the day, and realize that it's so nice not hearing the kiddos yell at each other! Yes, they have stopped yelling at each other so much since I've stopped yelling. Of course, they are 4 and 2 so they are going to yell some, but it has reduced a lot! S has pointed out to me that he is less stressed and frustrated with the kiddos, because he sees me being less stressed, and he hardly ever yells at the kiddos anymore either!

Don't get me wrong, we don't let the kiddos do whatever they want, we never have. But we have noticed a change in their behavior since all of this started. There have been so many times, that random people teachers, even our relatives have told us how amazing our kiddos are, how well they listen, how polite and well behaved they are....and honestly, S and I will just look at these people with complete skepticism all over our faces. Since we've stopped yelling, it's easier to see what other people see.......

I am NOT telling anyone how they should parent their kiddos, I don't want someone to tell me how to parent mine. BUT if you're noticing that you're frustrated, sad, angry, and even more frustrated because of all of that, you need to stop and look around and think about what's causing it.

I can only hope that this will continue in our household, and that we can all work on it together, so that we all understand each other, and can deal with our issues without yelling.

7 comments:

Celena, I am so impressed. Nobody is perfect, so forgive yourself. You recognized the problem, researched some solutions and put the plan into action, not just for you but for your whole family. Job well done!

So enjoyed this. I remember when I once read that if you talk to your children in a soft spoken voice, they stop because they must in order to hear what you are saying. I was amazed at the change it brought about in the kids & mostly in me :) Motherhood...I am not sure who grows up who in that process, lol, but I do know it changed me! Keep up the good work. Your children are so worth it! Glad I stopped here from the Fri. Flash Blog Hop.

OMG my first visit to you, and you're a freakin' ROCKSTAR! This post makes me SO HAPPY I can't begin to tell you, and THANK YOU on behalf of your kids (as someone whose Father's undermining and constantly critical, belittling voice is her SubConscious voice...I'm telling you that last quote is SPOT ON) and...gosh...you're just SUCH a good mother. You give me hope - SO MUCH HOPE because you're aware that things aren't all great, and you need to fix them and you have the self-perception to figure out what and DO IT...all because you LOVE your kids so much (and you let them know) and just..,THANK YOU.

All that AND a quote from Glennon. I warn you I might not be here often if it's all 'mommy' stuff, cos I struggle with that, but I LOVED so much reading this. Thank you :D HUGE respect to you for this combat and your effort and this post.

Awww, first of all I congratulate you for being brave and telling the world! That takes a lot of guts! Each one of your pictures is awesome. I love all of the quotes and especially like the little girl pouting. I was never a yeller until my boy turned 4. Wow do they know how to try patience!! I read those articles before, but I don't think I have tried those tips yet! Next time I feel like yelling I am going to talk funny! Usually my son just says, "What?" and then I get mad at having to repeat myself 425 times, so I hope he doesn't just say, "What?" lol great article and kudos to your husband for being so supportive!!