Monday, August 31, 2009

Hanging Up on Phoning and Driving

Don't let one more phoning-and-texting-at-the-same-time tow truck driver wind up in another suburban swimming pool.

Don't let one more conductor run a signal and cause a multiple-fatality train wreck while playing Tetris on his iPhone.

All this banning stuff sounds perfectly justified until you realize that motorists who are self-absorbed enough to pay more attention to an electrical device than the road are the same self-absorbed nitwits who have been making the roadways unsafe ever since Gloria Swanson first checked her peacock feathers in the rearview mirror.

These are the people who are otherwise playing with their radio tuners ... reading ... turning around to yell at their kids.

They are interested in themselves so very much and you and I so very little that if this great country were to take their cell phones out of their hands on the road they would simply go right back to swatting their kids with the sports page, reading meeting minutes, and figuring out other ways to escape the boredom of having to be concerned about the welfare of people outside their windshields, all while chatting away on their Jawbones.

Your Unhumble Car Czar is committed to the interests of responsible cell phone users on this nation's roadways ... and behind prosecution to the fullest extent of the law for any U.S. driver who is too dimwitted to realize when his or her use of technology behind the wheel is compromising the safety of the road-going public.

My office will sponsor legislation that seeks no additional legislation to prosecute this nation's self-absorbed for road-going infractions.

Quite simply, motorists who cannot drive on the roadways without endangering themselves and others will face the same local law enforcement actions they always face for speeding, weaving, failure to control, assured clear distance, failure to yield, and driving into residential swimming pools.

Some motorists clearly can talk on the phone and drive a car safely, just as some BMW drivers can drive without idiotically cutting in and out of traffic and some pick-up truck drivers can drive without idiotically tailgating little Eurosnob weasels driving BMWs. (See this blog on September 31 if you would like to learn about smart cutting-in-and-out of traffic and smart tailgating).

We should no sooner ban phoning and driving than we should ban little German I'mbetterthanyoumobiles or big F-350 Super DuyouwonderwhatIhaveinmypantsters.

Being a self-appointed government official who didn't study very hard in school -- and who has only a shaky idea of the process of introducing bills and making them laws based entirely on partial recollection of a Sesame Street song -- I will be posting details of this legislation on Craigslist. I will trade a new-in-box George Foreman Grill to any party with the authority and wherewithal to draft this bill and see it through Congress (likely a congressman or a member of The House of Lords).

If you would like input on this bill, please use the comment links below. I will be checking them frequently on my monotonous morning commutes.