CPS Mess *long*

So I have 2 step-daughters. The youngest is 8 and has ADHD and epilepsy and ODD and god knows what else...all kinds of issues (super emotional, lives in her own world, lies about things, doesn't take care of personal hygiene). The girls' mother is very noncommunicative with us and rarely tells us when things are going on, or if she does she doesn't give us the whole story on things. Half the time we have to get the story from the girls. So 2 years ago the 8 year old is having some issues with constipation and ended up in the hospital. After that she was started on a special diet and regular doses of Miralax....every once in awhile she still gets an issue...which for some reason equals constipation but poo leakage at the same time. And when this happens DSD won't keep herself clean. She'll go to the bathroom, find that she's leaked, wipe herself, and put her dirty underwear back on. And if we ask her if she's clean she says yes. And if you don't force her to change, she'll wear those dirty underwear for days without changing them, swearing that they're clean.

So, trying to motivate her to keep herself clean, and to protect the health of the baby and the other child (and us) who sit on the couch, we gave her options: wear pull-ups full time, show us your pants are clean before you sit on the couch, or sit on the floor and/or ottoman and not the couch. She chose to sit on the floor/ottoman. And has been doing this for maybe 3 months now. Her mother never has given us a good explanation as to why the leakage happens and hasn't worked to get her to take better care of her personal hygiene (she just cleans up after her at their house) and just kind of laughs about it.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when we were on our honeymoon. DHs ex calls to tell him that DSD mentioned in therapy that she wasn't "allowed" to sit on the couch and the therapist got cps involved. Now they're leaving business cards on our door and DH needs to call them and I'm all anxious about it. We started allowing her back on the couch as long as she shows us she's clean...but DH says his ex says even that isn't allowed because it's "embarassing". I feel backed into a corner. I don't want my baby sitting and climbing, etc on a couch that has poop on it...and I'm annoyed that cps is involved. Its embarassing and I keep thinking, are we going to be dealing with this forever? She's gotten cps involved at her mom's house before for saying something that wasn't entirely true. I didn't think we were being cruel...we certainly weren't doing it to be cruel. I was only thinking of how unsanitary it is for the other children and us...and she lies and doesn't keep herself clean so it felt like we had to give her those options. Blah.

Comments (999)

I'm also wondering how you make her show you that's she clean? You don't make her pull down her pants and look, do you? That is so embarrassing for her. She's probably embarrassed enough because of this issue.

You need to do what you have to do to get this girl help. If you have to go to court to get her into the Dr, so be it.

Put covers on all your furniture and wash them regularly. Don't make her sit someplace special, that's even more embassment for her. Treat her as you do everyone else, except get involved in her treatment. Do you know why she's so emotional? Do you know why she has this constipation?

I had a stepson that had hygiene issues. This is what I did. Rules: It took a while, but it finally sunk in and things were fine.

1. No tv until showered. Must take a bath/shower every other day at least.

2. He could not play our evening games if he had not abided by that rule either.

Eventually after I followed through on the rules a few times, he started running to get his shower in so he didn't miss out. Sure I felt like a bitch for the first few times of him crying because he felt left out but oh well. My sanity was saved. I also discussed this with him mom. She was fine with it. In fact she was doing the same thing, he just thought he could get by with it at my home. Not so.

My daughter has constipation, I know how difficult it can be. The key is that you/DH and mom have to start being a team. She needs a clean out dose, she needs Miralax every day for possibly months, year, etc.... She needs postive reinforcement, and love. You would not be punishing her if she had reflux or some other medical issue. Also, some of the behavior issues may be b/c she is in realy physical pain. My daughters behavior can be measured directly to how well we have her constipation managed. Try being in pain and still being a pleasant to be around.

Let me be clear that we were not punshing her...it was never made to be a punishment.

But you said it's been going on for 3 months now and she still chooses to sit on the floor in her shitty pants. Clearly this incentive isn't working. Time to move on to something else. Take her in to the bathroom, help her wipe up and take her dirty clothes away to be washed. She can probably pick her own clothes and dress herself.

as far as your dh having no medical/etc for her...then you take her to the Dr on your dime. And then you take mom to court. She's 8yrs old, she goes to school, she has friends at school, she smells like poop....surely you see that this isn't normal and can't continue?!?!

I have a 9 year old and it's such an awkward age and they are such strange, self-conscious (even if not physically so), awkward, sensitive beings at this point. I cannot even fathom the damage that's already been done in how this has been handled.

I'm glad CPS is involved and hope there's parenting classes ordered for both of you.

Custody issues...we don't have medical ability to find anything out...he's been invited to therapy before but can only go when invited. We don't have medical cards or any ability to talk to doctors because she has full custody of the children. And we gave her options...were not treating her like less of a human. We love her but we also love the other children and care about their health as well. Their mother doesn't tell us anything and DH has no ability to talk to doctor's etc

^if he's the biological dad, custody or not, he can speak with his child's doctor. Derr!

My 3 year old has encopresis, which is what your DSD has. It is really and truly not her fault that she is having leakage. Miralax is NOT an effective clean out method and will cause leakage because you are not removing the blockage. We see an encopresis specialist, but you can also go through a better ped. She needs to do full clean out and the be on maintenance of some type of miralax and probably other stuff (mineral oil,etc.) there is no doubt she is totally stretched out and can't feel the need to go when she should.
There are lots of kids with this and they often deny leakage and don't take care of it when they are older- it's kinda all part of encopresis. Not allowing to sit on the couch is a punishment even if isn't meant to be. I think you should help her clean up and sit on the couch in th meantime. and please, please help her to get a good clean out even if its difficult to work with her mom. We saw a drastic behavior change in my DD when she was wasn't completely backed up (way less anxious for her) and specialist said it is common to see changes when children feel better. Good luck, I know this can be a frustrating and tiring condition, but it really can be resolved.