Tuesday morning we drove down to the local CBS affiliate to give an interview about my book to the news during the noon hour, and when we walked into the studios we immediately recognized the smell of Mormon Church. This is not uncommon in Utah, for certain buildings to smell of wooden pews, starch, and carpet cleaner, an aroma particular to Sunday meetings at an LDS church. Could be similar building materials, but it could also be that this is what Mormons smell like, and before I even finish this sentence I should probably ask myself, Heather? Really? Do you want all that email from angry Mormons who take offense at being described as smelling like a warm casserole fart?

We arrived early because that is how I operate, although do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys? Every pocket on his body, every pocket in the six pairs of pants scattered on the floor in the bedroom, every pocket in every jacket hanging in the closet. He looks like he’s flagged himself for a security check at the airport and is patting himself down to make sure he’s not concealing a deadly weapon.

We waited in the lobby for someone to come out and point us in the right direction, and when the receptionist answered a call on the speaker phone we both buried our heads into our iPhones to pretend that we weren’t listening. Except, we couldn’t help but listen because it wasn’t just an ordinary phone call. It was a hate phone call. An emotional hate phone call. A hate phone call threatening to sue someone because the captions on certain Saturday evening shows haven’t been working. Where is the person in charge?! They wanted to know! NOW! WHERE ARE THEY, DAMMIT! SHUT UP WITH ALL YOUR EXCUSES! I’ll admit, for a second I thought I had entered some weird dimension where the comments section of this website had come alive and was now being read aloud through a telephone.

And that’s when the entire right side of my face began to twitch involuntarily.

The receptionist handled it remarkably well, resisted the understandable human urge to shout back NO, YOU SHUT UP, kept assuring this very unhappy consumer that they as a local affiliate have no control over whether or not those specific shows feature captions, but the caller was undeterred and viciously shouted things like, “NO! NO! NO!” and “SUE! SUE! SUE!” and even threw in a growl for good measure. When the receptionist tried politely to wind down the conversation the angry person hung up abruptly. The best part? The angry person WAS A RELAY OPERATOR, meaning this was a person hired to communicate for a deaf person. Having once worked a job where I routinely answered phone calls from the public, I can honestly say that I’ve never heard a more dedicated relay operator. The ones I encountered were very stoic in their delivery, uninterested at times, usually monotone in delivering another person’s commands. But this one, my god, she knew how to communicate an emotion! And I thought, this is exactly what I have been depriving my hate mailers! They deserve better from me!

So I’m thinking of hiring a relay operator who will once a week stand a foot away from my face and read the hate mail that has collected over a seven-day period. She should be passionate, dedicated, capable of spitting her T’s and S’s and F’s into my eyes when reading aloud the following angry sentiments:

“Since the ‘F’ word is your favorite, that is the grade I give your website.”

“You are so pathetic. I feel sad for you. I think you should change the name of your site to bored.com.”

“You are the reason why the government should be able to regulate who can have children. How tragic for your daughter.”

“Your nothing but a dirty piece of whiny drivel.”

“Get a life idiot! You got fired for being a stupid whore!”

And then once it’s all over, once she has calmed down and I’ve managed to walk around the block a couple of times, we can hug, agree that the both of us were having a bad day, and then go out and grab a beer and laugh about how stupid all that was.

Related:

You ABSOLUTELY just figured out how to fix the Internets. That’s impressive, Dooce!

http://kitkat4real.blogspot.com Solo Dot Mom

This is great. Your hate mail is better than a 1980′s sitcom and your sense of humor in sharing it tops the charts.

It goes without saying you are loved, and your blog is a must read on many people’s lists.

Thanks again for your humorous banter… If only I could bring that much entertainment to my readers.

http://www.offschedule.blogspot.com Lara

You know, I just don’t get it. If people don’t like what they read here, then isn’t the simplest solution just to NOT
READ IT? Why read it, get all annoyed, then waste energy writing hate mail? Of course, I say this knowing that I agree with 99.8% of your opinions, I’m not Mormon, and I find you quite entertaining. Maybe I’m biased.

http://www.wrathofdawn.blogspot.com Dawn

You got fired for being a stupid whore?

I have totally misconstrued the mandate of your previous employer.

Anonymous

Heather..you are my hero! Those idiotic people that keep sending you hate e-mails should be very afraid of your superpowers…. Go on with your bad self girl!

LeAnn

I LOVE your website!!! I have a VERY stressful job and at least once a day, I get cussed by a veteran that desperately needs an increase on their medication, so I get online, just to chill for a sec, and read your daily post. They ALWAYS make me smile!!! I, too, am a mommy and I can SO relate to the things your daughter has to say and do. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face and making me just CHILLAX for a few!!!

http://megsreno.blogspot.com/ meg

I’m really good at spitting, just ask my kids. There…I just spit while screaming at them.

I am always appalled at how rude some people are to you. It just seems so incredibly ridiculous and I don’t know how you stand it. Maybe things would be different if they had to send a picture ID along with that nasty comment. Or maybe not; an asshole will be an asshole no matter what.

I look forward to reading your blog every day because it always makes me happy; thanks for that!

Katie in TX

Just wanted to let you know that I bought your book and I can hardly get through each page for laughing so hard. Good job!

BouRboNiSta.

I just wanted to say that I happened to be watching the interview on the said CBS affiliate station and I about fell off the couch laughing when you mentioned to Debbie Worthen (I believe that was who you interviewed with) that you considered yourself a recovering Mormon living amidst the Mormons. What followed was something I consider to be an awkward silence that was heard from my living room to the top of the statue of Moroni.

Kudos to you for speaking your truth while living in the land of Zion.

Erin

I love reading your blog but when oh when are you going to stop dedicating posts to your hate mail? We don’t want to read it either. Set up a spam filter and be done with it.

Susan

Ooo! Hire me! Just don’t make me wear clogs

SusannahS

We recently had an incident outside of Little Rock (AR) where an at-home child care operator somehow confused antifreeze with Kool Aid (yeah, I know, right?) and served antifreeze to the kids. Fortunately the kids didn’t ingest much and were rushed to the hospital for tests…but after the incident made the news and newspapers, the babysitter received threatening phone calls including one thru a RELAY OPERATOR. Seriously?? Does the relay operator have a civic duty to report terroristic threatening?! I know it shouldn’t be funny but it kinda is.
I don’t think this relay operator really emoted though.

kate

Heather- I have been reading your site for going on 4 years now. And I think that you are amazing. And funny. And well spoken. And a terrific mom.
Hatemailers be damned.

What I have yet to understand is if you cannot stand what you are reading, then WHY ARE YOU HERE?

That little x in the red box on the top right of your screen, click it.

Sheesh.

Maria

My husband does the pat down with every jacket, pair of pants, etc. Glad to know I’m not the only one waiting while the hubby has to find keys or a wallet EVERYTIME we go somehwere.

http://www.repliderium.com repliderium.com

HALLAFUCKINGLUYA!!! (Wait- does “fix the internet” mean that all of the stupid people are banned now?)
Oh how I wish.
ps- my captcha for this comment is “stump man” and for whatever ridiculous reason this strikes me as dirty and funny as hell.

http://hanasueng.blogspot.com Hanasu

Heeeey!!! Pick ME! I would perform like a BI-OTCH!!! Hehehe…

http://audentesfortunasjuvat.wordpress.com Sasha

I used to be a relay operator. The ones like the girl you got to listen to? We got the raises.

http://greatdayinmaine.blogspot.com Leesavee

I would like to nominate my husband’s grandmother for the position. She’s 84 and takes no sh*t from anyone. Not to mention that she’s hilarious and has a deceptively filthy sense of humor. Grammie would ROCK the job!

http://www.blogobeth.com Beth

First of all, if I’m going to take time out of my day to write hate mail it is going to be something far more important than a blog post. Like ‘hey Cheesecake Factory, your lemonade made my son throw up in the mall’. You know, something like that.

Secondly, I’ve always admired your ability to handle hate mail and I hope when I finally get important enough that people actually hate me that I will handle it as gracefully.( I doubt that will happen if I keep writing in run-on sentences).

Thirdly, I think you should get World’s Best Avon Lady to read your hate mail. It could provide for some important maternal bonding. Or, let Chuck eat them and shit ‘em out later.

Still loving your blog after four years of reading it.

http://www.calamitygal.blogspot.com Callie

That is a bloody brilliant idea. I think you should have a couple of people to do it, as one person spewing such bile is bound to get a tummy-ache.

Then, after the hugs, rather than a beer, I suggest shots. Once you’re able to, naturally.

Lauren

Every time you post about hate mail it shocks me. I can not believe that people would write things like that. The fact that you can turn it around and make something funny just proves how amazing you are.

Don’t let the haters get you down!

http://www.chaos4jp.blogspot.com JP

I am always so offended by the the lack of care people put in their hate mail/comments. Do they proof-read nothing?

At the very least they could learn the difference between YOUR and YOU’RE. Seriously! Hate with some (educated)class, people…

#2- I cannot believe the relay op. I work in a call center and they are very blah and monotone! I cant imagine them having an attitude or any emotion!

#3- I love the hate mail reference. You should keep a collection, publish the book and make millions, those hate mailers would not be happy…itd be great

Lee

Heather–
Please give me the job…I can rant along with the best of them…..Give me my dream profession of being a professional kvetcher….It would get me off unemployment and Im a legal alien, too. You don’t even have to provide health insurance….We could be so good together…..
pleeease
PS I think I actually just peed myself laughing

I am sure highlighting the nasty comments was not a total plea for compliments on your part, but reading them created an urge to lavish at least a little honest praise. I read your blog because it is witty, bold and sympathetic. I could beat all your detractors in arm wrestling. Go, you!

http://www.mommica.com Mommica

MOMMICA

Objective: To obtain the position of Hate Mail-Reader.

Education: Trained by a bitter mother, two older sisters who remember the divorce, and five younger siblings who represent all the different kinds of crazy. I can speak for everyone.

Work Experience: My first job was working the drive-thru at a KFC. ‘Nuff said.

Interests: Reading, yelling, spitting, hugging, drinking beer.

References: My husband, who will assure you that I am very good at expressing ALL KINDS of emotion.

http://www.humanbeing.wordpress.com Lynn @ human, being

You gotta love it that people CARE ENOUGH about your blog to write you hate mail. Ah, the price of celebrity.

Adrienne

This site is hilarious, especially the bit about the “Mormon” smell, as anyone who has ever stepped inside a Mormon chapel can recognize it right away. As for people who are easily offended, last time I checked, they had the choice NOT to read this blog. For me, this blog is one way I get my daily dose of the world’s best medicine, loud laughter.

BoatSailor

I would love having the Internet-to-Dooce Relay Operator job. If considered I would sell myself based on a couple of qualifying factors. First is volume (I’m LOUD). Next, is coffee breath. :~) But, I could only be really mean and fully emote if I knew you WANTED me to.

Really I want the corollary position of Dooce-to-Troll Relay Operator. The poisiton would involve hunting down trolls and hating them back for you. Ahhh, now that’d be real FUN!

Love your site, keep up the good work.

http://www.suatduman.com.tr Suat DUMAN

Well I think you are perfectly lovely.

http://35andsingle.wordpress.com/ 35&Single

WHINEY DRIVEL!! you are awesome
damn the man!

http://unmitigated.typepad.com middle-aged-woman

I vote for wyliekat. Very creative. Who knew I was going to find a new blog today?

http://afterthealter.com Jen

Wow! I had no idea that bloggers got hate mail? How can anyone take the time to write and yell at you for your opinions? Isn’t a blog just supposed to be somewhat of a journal of your life? Things that you want to share about yourself? I guess it must be nice to take the good letters with the bad letter though. I can’t believe people write that stuff!

Jen

http://guiltynoodles.wordpress.com guilty noodles

I had the same conversation with a relay operator. A woman claimed I had called her and wanted to know why, when in fact, no one in the house had picked up the phone in the last 24 hours. She was persistent and when my patience shriveled up, I told her she needed to stop calling me and wasting my time. That was when the relay operator informed me, “She thinks you’re rude and a bitch,” and slammed the phone down.

The woman called me once a month until I moved.

skideewink

OK can I SKYPE in from Northern Texas, maybe even with a guest appearance by GEORGE?? BTW I too a facebook quiz: ANd I am a LIBERAL MORMON, am I qualified? And my house smelled like the dreaded cassarole fart after we feed the Boy Scouts last night, GROSS!
Smoochies, (not hugs)
Dee

http://psychicgeek.com witchypoo

I regularly work with an adoring telephone public, and OMG was that relay operator #1236? Because I swear she has a psychic bond with her clients. Either that or she’s a fantastic actress.

sarah

Wow, what sad people those hate emailers are. I happen to think you are delightful and funny and a great, loving and “real” mom.

http://www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com Chantel

Can you email me the letters? I’ll video tape me reading them! I’m really good, I need someplace to vent. I promise I’ll do a great job. I’m wildly emotional and irrational sometimes, I’m a perfect fit for this job.

Really I am!!!!!! Just look at those exclamation points.

http://idroppedmybonbon.blogspot.com mpotter

my sister worked as a relay operator…. b/c she’s nosy.
seriously that’s why she did it. loved every bit of it. well, except when they called phone sex lines. (do they still have those?)

every time i read your posts about all the hate mail you get, i think the same thing: why in the world are these idiots reading your site if you suck so badly? and who in the hell would take the time to tell you so??

pretty comical.
love when they’re full of grammatical errors as well.

Rachel

“do you know how hard it is to get anywhere on time when you live with a man who must pat down every pocket in his wardrobe to locate his wallet and keys?”

OH MY GOD YES.

http://www.marriageconfessions.com Katie

I’m eight months pregnant and I may have just wet my pants reading this. Either that, or I seriously need to get to the hospital to deliver a baby… You never can be too sure…

~ Katie

Laura

As a receptionist manager….I love this post! I forwarded it on to my team because this is what we deal with DAILY!! HAHAH! SO thanks for the shout out to us Receptionists who know how to work those A Holes!

Anonymous

I answer the phone for a living, and I have come to realize that it’s easy for the public to take all their frustrations out on someone on the phone when they can’t see them in person. People can be really rude, and unfortunately, since our jobs are on the line, we can’t not be rude back. It just really sucks, but there are some really sucky people in this world. I have to remember that, at 5pm, i leave my job and go home to a wonderful husband and kiddo, but the sucky people are like that all the time. Makes my day anyway, otherwise, I would be in a permanent bad mood.

PS I think it’s horrible that people say those horrible things to you.

http://www.becomingsarah.com Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

The question is: after you’ve finished fixing the Internet, can you fix my husband?

There’s something wrong with his listening skills.

sarah

wow. i cannot believe people leave such horrid comments. i love your blog and think you are a stellar mom.

http://blomsterbarnet.blogspot.com/ Kine

Hahaha!

Please don’t “get a life”. Stay here! 24/7.

Sarah

I barely have time to write and tell you you’re funny. I can’t imagine taking the time to criticize your parenting and call you a whore. That’s dedication. I feel inadequate.

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