If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

(Max and Treecko go through many fields, where many plants and berries grow. They see that Petalburg Woods are not far away, but Max goes to these plants)

Max: “Berries! It is good that we found them as we need more food.” (Looks at Treecko and Treecko nods) “I don’t want to be hungry again.”

Treecko(surprised): “Tree?”

Max(remembers): “Yes, that was a situation in the past…I and two my friends walked through the Petalburg woods and…”

---------------------------------------------------------------------Ash: “Well, I think that we can hunt Pokemon better on a full stomach anyway.”

Max: “Yes, and I was getting hungry.”

May: “I am so hungry that I can eat anything!”

(Then all of them smile and after a short pause they realize that they have nothing to eat)

All(shout): “You mean…We don’t have lunch??!!!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Max(laughs): “Haha! That was funny/ Do you agree with me?”(looks at Treecko)

Treecko(nods): “Treecko!”

(By the way, they were standing near berry plants. Max carefully studied these berries)

Max(carefully watches at different berry plants): “Well, look at these berries!”

(He looked that there were many berries growing on the fields, but they were wild berries. He looked at bright red Berry plant. It smelled spicy and had a provocative flavor)

Max(exclaims): “Oh! It’s a Cherri berry! So spicy! They may be helpful”

(Then he saw pink berries)

Max: “Pecha berries! Treecko, try one!

Treecko(eats it): “Treecko!” (shows that they are very sweet and delicious)

Max: “And here are Oran berries”

(Walks to them and smells them)

Max: “It has a wondrous mix of flavors! Oh, something rustles here.”

(Wild Wurmple crawls on the plant)

Max: “A Wurmple!” (Then takes his Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Wurmple, the Worm Pokémon. Wurmple live primarily off of sap from trees. The suction cups on its feet keep it from slipping. It lives among the tall grass and in forests.”

Max(To Treecko): “Well, Treecko, let’s take some of these berries! ”

Treecko(agrees): “Treecko!’

(Then he jumps on these plants/trees and takes some berries. Then they take these berries. About 3 berries of each kind. Then they take theirselves to Petalburg Woods. They go there and they come to a quiet place where there are no Pokemon)

Max(surprised): “I wonder where all Pokemon have gone?”

Treecko(surprised as well): “Ckooo?”

(Then they step through the bushes and see that one Pokemon lies on the field. Max is surprised and runs towards it.)

Max(looks at it): “Oh, it is very hurt!”(Touches it and sees that its face is pink)

Treecko(worried): “Treecko…”

Max(calms it): “I know what’s the problem. It is poisoned. ” (thinks): “Of course, I have something for you!”
(gives the Pokemon a Pecha berry. It eats it very slowly. Than it becomes stronger)

Taillow: “Taillow!”

(Max checks his Pokedex)

Pokedex: “Taillow, the Tinyswallow Pokémon. Taillow has a fierce personality, never backing down, even against the most powerful opponents.”

Tailow(flies and says like “Thank you”): “Taillow!”(and flies away)

Max: “So, why was it poisoned?” (thinks about it) “Well, it might have been attacked by someone” (To Treecko) “Well, pal, let’s take a break.”

Treecko(nods): “Treecko.”

(They sit on the stump. Max takes his bag and searches for something.)

Max(finally finds what he looked for): “I found it! Treecko, take this!” (breaks off a piece of chocolate and gives it to Treecko)

Treecko(takes): “Tree!”

(Treecko wants to bite, but suddenly they hear loud rustling in bushes. The pink sharped stings head into them and explode)

Max: “It’s an Aerial Ace! Awesome! This Taillow must be there leader as it knows this move already!”

(The two attacks collide and nobody wins, then the two birds strike again but with the same result)

Cassidy: “Why are you sitting? Help me, Beef!”

Butch: “The name’s Butch! …Ok, go!”

(Magnemite comes out of the Pokeball)

Butch: “Thunderbolt”

(Magnemite generates a ligtning bolt that strikes Taillow and Taillow heads into the ground. Max runs and saves it)

Taillow(opens eyes): “L-low?” (and flies up again)

Cassidy: “There’s no way you can stop us!”

Max: “Well, I have an idea…” (To Treecko): “Sit on Taillow!”

Treecko: “Ckoo!” (Sits on it and they fly away)

Forrest and Forrester: “We’ll help you with that!”

Forrest: “Heracross, help them!”

Forrester: “Yanma, go! Help them!”

Yanma: “Ya-aanma!”

(They head into the helicopter)

Cassidy: “Not so fast, Murkrow, Aerial Ace!”

Forrester: “Oh yeah? Yanma, use Screech!”

(A huge and loud soundwaves hit Cassidy and Butch as well and their Pokemon)

Butch(holds his ears): “My ears!”

Cassidy: “Mine too! This is awful!”

Max: “This is our time, Taillow! Break the net!”

Taillow: “Taillow!” (flies into it and its wings glow metallic grey)

Max(happily): “I know this Attack! Use Steel Wing, Taillow!”

Taillow: “Low!”(Flies at amazing speed and breaks the net. Dustox and Taillow are free again)

Cassidy and Butch(angry and frightened): “Well, we can’t lose!”

Cassidy: “Use Dark Pulse”

Butch: “Thunderbolt!”

Max: “Bullet Seed Treecko!”

Treecko: “Treecko!-cko-cko-cko…”

Forrester(to Yanma): “Sonicboom!”

Forrest(to Heracross): “Hyper Beam!”

(Dustox use Signal Beam and Taillow use gust and make the attacks even faster and more powerful as they overpower Thunderbolt and Dark Pulse and send the Thieves soaring)

Cassidy: “Oh no! We lost again Budd…”

Butch: “I’ll change my name but now, we…”

Both: “blasting off again!”(they fly as the white star appeared as they flyy away)

Max, Forrest, Forrester: “Allright!”

(Dustox and Taillow are happy. Then they take off to the scene where is the sunset and The Taillow live happily with the Dustox)

Max: “It’s getting dark now, let’s find a place for a sleep!”

Forrester: “Ok!”

(They find a place, it is dark and they are sitting around a bonfire and are drinking a hot chocolate)

Forrest: “Well, Max. Where are you from?”

Max: “From Petalburg City. And you guys?”

Forrest: “From near Rustboro City.”

Max(to both): “I have a feeling I met you before. Can’t remember when.”

They: “Hmmm…It is interesting, but we don’t remember you either..”

Max(thinks): “No…I remember you. Oh yeah!” (remembers)

(Forrest and Forrester surprised and look at Max)

Max: “Someone helped my sister to catch a Wurmple and the other of you battled against Pikachu and Treecko”

(Forrest and Forrester think and suddenly remember that day)

Forrest: “Yeah! I remember it.”

Forrester: “Me too! That battle was so intensive I can’t forget it!”

Forrest: “And you must have been the little brother of her?”

Max(nods): “I am.” (smiles)

Forrest: “So, what a reunion!”

Forrester: “Max, what do you want to do now?”

Max: “I want to become a great Pokemon Trainer, earn badges and enter the Hoenn League.”

Forrest: “Great! I wanted to travel and see the beautiful places of the Hoenn region, but actually returned because I felt alone…”

Forrester: “And I just want to protect these Woods and which are nearby as a ranger does.”

Max: “You are a ranger?”

(Forrester nods)

Max: “That’s cool!”

Forrester: “So Max, where are you heading next?”

Max: “Well, I want to sail to the Sootopolis City”

Forrest: ‘So cool! Max, can I ask you a favor?”

Max: “Ok…”

Forrest: “Can I travel with you? I hope we’ll have fun together and I’ll finally see a lot of places like I wanted!”

Max(agrees): “Sure! I think it will be fun as well! And you, Forrester?”

Forrester: “Well, I can’t. I want to protect the woods.”

Max: “Oh, ok!”

(Then they talk about different stuff and then fall asleep and wake up and head out of Petalburg woods. Forrester is standing to see off the other two, while they are suddenly surprised as a flock of Taillow comes to see them)

Max: “Taillow? What are they doing here?”

(Then one Taillow flies to Max and says something)

Forrester: “I guess it is saying it wants to go with you.”

Max(asks): “Is it so, Taillow?”

Taillow(nods): “L-low!”

Max(smiles): “That’s great! Go, Pokeball!”

(Pokeball hits Taillow, falls on the Max’s hand and shows that Taillow is caught)

Max(shouts): “All right! I caught a Taillow!”

(Three boys smile and they see off each other)

Forrest: “Goodbye, brother! Take care!”

Forrester: “You too! And good luck, Max!”

Max: “Thanks, you too!”

(And Max and his new friend head off to a Rustboro City, where Max can meet his friend and sail to the Sootopolis City)

It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!

It's quite good. The characterisation works fairly well, and the events do seem like episodes of the anime. It's also good that you're keeping in with continuity. However, make sure not to stick too close to the anime formula of 'group meets new character who has problem - they try to solve problem - Team Rocket attacks and blasts off' as that will get dull. Not that you can't do that, but try to spice it up a bit. I'd also recommend adding more action in the form of stage directions and description (like after the attacks are called out, you could describe how the Pokemon use the move or dodge it) so the story feels more engaging. Finally, the story could do with more interactions between the characters to add both conflict/drama and humour. It feels kind of aimless right now, because of the lack of interactions and description (I know it's a script, but it needs more stage direction). It's not bad though, so good luck!

THANK YOU FOR VERY USEFUL AND CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT)
Please answer some of my questions(remarks):
1)I didn't want to use Team Rocket commonly, I used them just so Max could save and catch Tailow
2)Can you write more about stage directions and description?
I use stages directions and description in those things (....), but I can't use it too common, because I feel my fic can become boring and difficult to read and it doesn't do well in scripts fics. So, I make my fic easier to read nd to follow
3)I made a lot of interactions, didn't I?

In answer to your VM, no thanks, I don't want to be on the PM list. It's not that I'm uninterested in your fanfic, but I'll most likely see if you've updated anyway, so I don't need to have a PM.

1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.

2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.

3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.

1. To be honest, while this does mean that the story isn't going to be as formulaic as the anime, it has another problem. If Team Rocket ONLY appear so Max can catch Taillow, why have them appear at all? Team Rocket is like the Pokemon mafia after all - there has to be a pretty good reason for them to pop up, and it's in their nature to be recurring characters anyway. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have Team Rocket reappear ar all - just to do so sparingly. In fact, they might have to now, as Cassidy and butcher Butch are the type of characters to have a bigger plan going on. Otherwise, they could be replaced by random poachers and the story would be the same.

2. Looking back, you do seem to have a decent amount of stage directions. The problem is the quality of them. Stage directions should be used before text to show a character reacting (you have already done this well) or in the middle of text to show action. You need to improve on the latter - go into depth. How does Treecko move? What does an attack look like (not just the reaction to the attack)? Etc. More detail is the description - showing what things look like, and also how the characters are thinking and feeling e.g. Does Treecko move excitedly, impatiently or tiredly? This can show a lot about the character. You also need a brief description when describing a new area e.g. When entering a forest, you can say that the towering trees blocked out the sunlight, that there is a carpet of leaves on the ground, and there is silence apart from the cries of bird Pokemon.

3. You have interactions, yes, but you need to inject some personality into them. What I'd do is think about the character's base traits, and then think of what they might say following the traits - a shy person wouldn't agree to a challenge very easily, and the mean rival wouldn't want to say good job to his opponents, for example. Right now, many of the characters feel kind of samey and bland - there isn't much personality wise that makes them different.

1)I agree, I meant they won't be like in every chapter like in the show

2)Understood, thanks)

3)I know, but my characters at the beginning won't differ much)But later they would differ

4th Chapter: I liked how Cassidy and Butch make a return! The ending was great ending in a cliffhanger.
5th Chapter: I likle how Forrester wants to stay and protect the forest while Forest goes of with Max, the ending made me want more! Which is needed sometimes. Great two chapters!

Hi everyone! Gonna update new chapter soon!
But news: the 6th chapter will be called "The Master Quiz!"
Amd it will be the 1st chapter, where will be images of(I won't say it)
And they would be very useful))not for me, but for you)