Personal Jesus

Trump Backtracks on Whether He Asks God for Forgiveness

Shortly after a poll indicated that conservative Christians were concerned that he’d never asked God for forgiveness, Donald Trump announced that he has, indeed, asked God for forgiveness, but in his “own way.”

Trump, a self-described Presbyterian whose ascendancy in the Republican primary race has placed his religious beliefs under scrutiny, told a Christian evangelical radio show that not only does he think it’s important to ask God for forgiveness, he’s done so, somewhat.

“I think [asking for forgiveness is] great,” he told The Brody File. “I consider communion to be a very important thing. You know, when I go to church and I take communion I consider that asking for forgiveness in my own way. And I do think it’s a great thing and I think it’s an important thing and it makes you feel good.”

(Technically, worshippers are supposed to ask for forgiveness before taking communion.)

The re-evaluation of his relationship with God came after Iowa's Christian voters heard about statements Trump made in Iowa back in July, when he admitted that he didn’t think he’d ever asked God for forgiveness. According to the Bloomberg/Des Moines Register poll, 59 percent of likely Republican voters who identified as Christian said they were “bothered” by that statement. (Overall, however, only 36 percent of likely Republican voters were bothered.)

Trump's confessions, however, must be so peculiar that one has to imagine what those talks are like:

Our Father—I’m sorry. I’m sorry. “Our” Father? Look, it’s a—when did the personal relationship with God become socialized? No one else will say it, God—no one will give it to you straight, because they’re all bought by very, very rich men—but I will, because I’m a really rich guy.

Anyways. Father, who art in Heaven—you know, Father, if you ever decide to move, I have a very beautiful Heaven of my own. I do. I built it from the ground up. You know what, I’ll let you stay in Trump Heaven if you ever decide to come to New Jersey—hallowed be thy name. And I like you, God. I hope to behold your divine face one day. But I’m gonna be the only one who says it like it is. When I get up there, on day one, all the lost souls? Back to Purgatory.