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Thursday, November 11, 2010

It’s fucking freezing and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is pounding and the only reason you’re awake is because some fucking rooster just crowed. As you look around to try to understand what’s going on, you see a donkey and a shitload of chickens. At first you think you’ve been kidnapped and shipped to some Third World country, but then you see the animals have food and aren’t being forced to fight, so it’s clear: you’re still in America. Thank God.

You pull out your iPhone to check out your location. It’s pretty obvious you’re in some sort of petting zoo, but it’s not like you know where the local petting zoos are. As your Maps app loads up your location, you nearly drop your phone on your pillow/donkey shit when you see where you are. You’re like 15 miles from your house. What the fuck happened? You try to piece it together, but up until about 5 minutes ago, everything was darker than Lebron James’s heart. The last thing you remember is taking that fucking Four Horseman shot some random guy bought you after he witnessed you slap a sandwich out of a fat girl’s hands and scream, “DON’T YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH!” After waking your #117 bitch bro’s ass up to come pick you up, you start to think of what happened last night and you can’t help but laugh. While some might consider blacking out 8 hours of their life, only to wake up with their head in some farm animal’s shit to be a sign they need immediate professional help, bros realize what it really means: you just had an awesome fucking night.

Blacking out is the fucking shit. I always love all those bro-hater campaigns claiming you might have a #124 problem if you “experience a loss of memory when drinking.” Fucking please, who the fuck actually goes out and remembers the whole night? What the fuck are we supposed to do? Drink two beers over the course of eight hours? I’d rather be fucking dead.

Blacking out is the absolute epitome of being a bro. I mean just think about it – you’re forcing so much alcohol into your system that your brain literally stops working. It’s pretty much like your mind thinks your body is dead. How fucking awesome is that? You’re like some fucking bro zombie! But blacking out doesn’t mean the night is over – it’s just getting started. Much like the undead, a blacked out bro will go hunting for brains, but the brains bros are interested in don’t come from human skulls – they come from slam pieces. Here’s a few things that make blacking out so great.

The Stories – Ask any bro and I’m sure he’ll tell you 9 out of the top 10 nights of his life involved some sort of blackout. It’s a proven scientific fact that the more bros drink, the better the fucking story they have the next day. I always love those nights where I know the blackout is coming. I’ll order my drink then make my way around the bar shaking my bros’ hands and telling them I’ll see them tomorrow. That’s when fucking magic happens. Waking up the next morning and having all your bros tell you all crazy shit you did the night before is about as bro as it fucking gets.

Fat Girl Free Pass – Let’s just make one thing clear – a bro is not responsible for any actions he takes when he’s blacked out. Nowhere is this truer than when it comes to the girls they hook up with. Every bro’s got that one fucking fat skeleton in their closet - she’s not a #78 slump buster or anything, she’s more like a character from “Where The Wild Things Are.” One of my bros woke up one morning after a pretty legit blackout next to what he described as a “1/3 out of 10.” He was angry. So angry in fact that he #55 destroyed his own bedroom door while she was still in bed. Sure we could have made fun of him, but we realized there was nothing he could do. Hooking up with a fat chick while blacked out is a devastating tragedy that could strike any bro at ANY time, therefore we forgave him.

Great Excuse – Sure it doesn’t get much better than finding out you and your bros pretended you were pirates while blacked out and went digging for “treasure” in the local graveyard, but sometimes it isn’t all harmless fun and games. While, by definition, a bro is never embarrassed by his actions, things might be said under blackout conditions that could potentially get you into trouble. For example, after a typical blackout night, there’s always that chance that a bro wakes up next to the girl he just #139 dumped the week before. At first it might not seem like a big deal – it was bound to happen before long – I mean, she really only has so many chances at banging a bro. But then she might start talking about “the conversation” you had last night and how it’s so great that you’re “back together.” Fuck that. That’s when you immediately spit out the eight words that have saved bros since the beginning of fucking time: “If I can’t remember it, it didn’t happen.” Just like that you’re single and ready for another night of drinking until you don’t have any fucking brain activity.

Bros fucking love drinking. Much like everything you put into your body, drinking causes side effects. While bro-haters contend that blacking out is a negative consequence, bros understand that it’s truly one of God’s greatest inventions. This weekend as you’re downing that fourth Long Island Iced Tea and it seems like the lights are beginning to flicker – don’t start pacing yourself. Cheers your bros, tell them good night, chug your drink, and strap in – it’s gonna be a fucking amazing ride.

NYB you never upset me, your a bro king amongst bros, top notch post, I haven't read anything like this since the legendary out of towners post. Truer words have never been spoken. bragging and telling stories about your night is always a great conversation, especially with slam pieces. Btw I've been looking at colleges any recomendations, and is william and mary actually bro?

From UMD. As I sit in the library and scan for mid afternoon slambait, I stand to get a good look of what I am dealing with. As I stand, I see the moderate 6/10 smokey mcdaniels that I jailhouse fucked in her shower while blacked out last weekend. I pretend as if she does not see me and return to my seated position. I reassure myself that I am faster the Usane Bolt and there is no way she saw me, even tho she is less than a meter away. I quickly get onto BLTS.com and come across #142. I laugh like Bronan the Barbarian and continue my quest.

four loko, enough said..... if you haven't had a four loko this comment isn't for you and neither is this fucking site cus your not a fucking bro. Washington St. is banning four loko for "making kids black out" i say its making kids have a great fucking night! i start every night b4 the bars with a four loko then a long island at the bars and tell my bros ill see you tomorrow.

last time i blacked out aka last saturday i woke up and my new profile picture is me playing mailbox baseball with a bottle bacardi and i bunch of inboxs from slampieces that wanted the last night repeat L8 nit3 regardless

Last Saturday I blacked out twice...it was the BROest day of the year so far...I called out all the bro-haters at the party I was at and then me and my bros took over the keg...needless to say I went home with a slampiece that night...

Blacking out is definitely bro as shit. When some loser confronts you the next morning about breaking his window, fucking his girlfriend, or whatever other awesome shit you did the previous night, you can just say "Dude, I was blacked out. If I don't remember it, it didn't happen." Not taking responsibility for your actions is bro as shit too.

My bros and I are also fond of referring to blacking out as "time traveling": You're pounding frat sodas with your bros, you head out to the bars, and the next thing you know you're waking up in some slampiece's bed the next morning. Congratulations - you just time traveled 8 hours into the future, and a case of Natty Light was your fucking DeLorean.

My most epic blackout sesh was when I blacked out twice in the same day during Cinco de Mayo last year. Started the day with Margaritas and Cuervo with my bros at 9AM. Blacked out by 11AM, un-blacked out at 3PM after eating a burrito, went to a party and blacked out again at 7PM, passed out at 2AM.

Blacked out in Trenton NJ in the passenger seat of my car with 2 flat tires, no keys, no shoes and no shirt. The driver is no where in site. Get robbed by 3 guys, drop my cell in a sewer, and get chased by a crack whore down the road.

Personal best blackout story: at the age of 17 I went to some gayass highschool "karaoke" party at a local karaoke club. The singing was dumb but the theme was "moulin rouge" so all the slampieces were dressed in their sluttiest lingerie. Seeing this, I decided it was time to be a badass. I went to the nearest supermarket and stole 2 handles and a fifth of vodka. Last thing I remember is me standing on the table in the middle of the room chugging out of the handle and shouting "I'M THE FUCKING KING". Next thing I remember I'm walking around miles from the karaoke place in my boxers and socks. Apparently I ran away from my friends, shouting some bullshit about how I would go get my car and drive myself home. I then walked (still wasted) 2 miles along a freeway until a cop picked me up and drove me home.

Fucking legit post NYB. Honestly waking up the next afternoon to have all your bro's tell you about what a night you had is rage as fuck. Upon hearing my actions, I then pass them down in form of manuscript so other bro's may learn.

One summer back in college, I was twerkin some Sweet Tarts (Everclear, Orange soda, Kool-Aid), and the next thing I remember, I wake up strapped to the top of my SUV in my boxers. Epic night (from what I'm told).

in the last 3 weekends, i hooked up with 5 chicks, i can truthfully say that i vaguely remember only 1 of them. the rest seem to have slipped my mind. thats the bro way, well zero would be the bro way, but oh well.

There is nothing better than being told by your fellow bros that you had an amazing time the night before because you were entirely too fucked up to remember. Blacking out is the ultimate Get Out of Jail I Fucked a Donkey Walrus Fat Girl Free Card. It's all about the best story possible and that's not possible without blacking out. Bros are the shit.

I seem to remember hearing that blackberrys were the bro thing and iphones were for hipstas.Its ok. jumping on bandwagons is still very bro. Glad to see iphones are finally recognized as the great bro resource they are.

Drank a pitcher of Delirium Tremens and some tranny picked me up. I didn't know it was a tranny until my brain woke up for a half-second to realize it may have had its adam's apple removed. I asked if it was a dude after I pulled my pants down. It told me to leave after I called it a fucking dude and I got a cab after losing my wallet. Went home and locked my bedroom door apparently, while the cab called the police on my iced out testicles. Woke up in the morning to listen to my kickball-loving roommate chastise me for the cops that almost kicked down my door but instead, by the chance of a miracle, told my roommate to tell me I was a fucking asshole as he paid for my cab.

I black out 3 times a week (sometimes 5 with holidays that dont really matter) and the entire bro bombsquad has simply acknowledged that blacking out is the shit. This just qualified it. God speed NYB.

The Bro-hating dickbags at the FDA have driven the makers of Four Loko to remove the caffeine from the drink. The makers of Sparks and Joose are expected to follow suit.

I'm sorry, but I thought this was AMERICA, the land of the free and the home of the Bro. Mixing substances and using caffeine and alcohol to get blacked out for hours on end is my goddamn American right.

We need to have a fucking Boston Blackout Party to protest this horseshit. "Caffeine is an unsafe additive to alcohol"? Yeah, maybe if you're a fuckin' wine-sipping pussy. Real bros can handle their shit, and the bro-haters who can't shouldn't be fouling up this great country with their weak-ass, two-beer-queer genes to begin with. Alcohol poisoning is a great example of that little thing called "natural selection". That's fucking SCIENCE - look that shit up.

Alcoholic energy drinks are the one of the greatest fucking inventions ever. They give bros the extra push to get especially fucked up for even longer, own beirut tables, and crush slampieces with reckless abandon for days on end.

Fuck the FDA and all the government bitches who are trying to ban Four Loko. Keep your laws off of my blackouts.

couple weeks ago I got shitfaced and bailed on the party I was at cuz everyone was on E and there was none left for me. grabbed ike 16 beers and some Jack and drove into the city to hook up with some bros cuz it was Halloween, and there was some pumpkin rolling to be done. did everything from steal a baseball bat from the new Walmart to smash pumping on their own front doorstepS. it was on the way home that I blacked out like a motherfucker, but made it back of course cuz I'm the best drunk driver

Me and two of my bros decided it was a good idea to have a drinking competition last night. All being binge drinkers and alcoholics we went shot for shot killed a handle in an hour and went to a party. At the party we proceeded to drink heavily and after chugging a whole glass of vodka puked on some slam pieces. Afterward all in our blacked out states went different directions. One of my buddies woke up in the hospital the next day with no idea how he got there, my other buddy pissed and puked himself in his bed. I woke up in my roommates bed completely covered in water, huge scratches on me, and a swollen eye. Time traveling is fucking awesome.

im 16 and i love blacking that shit is off the notch. 2 nights ago defiantly was a pretty good night to take it out on that low brand whiskey. anyways defiantly drank to much but i absolutly have no simpathy for the people who care. well before the concert i went to the slampeices house and had quite a few drinks. pounding down a 6 pack of bud diesal then drank a four"blackout" loko and split a bottle of wine with another bro of mine. well i guess you could say the MARTA that took us to the concert for sure hates us now. as we got to the concert i saw a few bros i havent seen in years and yess you better believe i had more to drink. as the girlfriend was in a pile of people watching me funnel down a four loko with that look on her face that you need to cut it out.well as we ended the night of tailgating and madfe our way to the gates to get into the concert i lost the ticket or something idk where that shit went but i had another paper ticket that i got off of ticketmaster. and yes i tried to use it but after hours if trying it no it didnt work and those dick cops up front told me to leave. so i did and found some random guy selling tickets and he eventually gave me one but as i walked up to ther gate where the dick cops where i kept falling down and i handed my ticket to the man and he crumpled it up saying i was to drunk to enter the concert. well fuck you police man and where you came from. i paid 32 doll hairs to go to a concert i wasnt even gunna watch, and just get slammed and meet new chicks for the night ahead of us and that was all thrown down the drain. as i began to walk away i saw an old bro being tossed that i knew from back in the day. as we began to talk we both figured we were clearly ready for hitting the bars since we had nothing left to do. and he gets the text from his mom come home. so that random ticket guy gets both of us in the heart ghetto of atlanta and take us for a drive about an hour away to our houses which we never ended up getting to. he dropped us both off at a random IHOP 20 mins from our house probably i threw up on the side of his new 4runner. idk but anyways the bros mom come to get us and take me to some sluts house whose parents were outta town. and with my luck no one was at home soi proceded to brake into her mulitmillion dollar house to check out her parents liquor cabnet but i had no luck. so i sat down on the porch patio and threw in one of the biggest hoagies known to man. as this happend i fell asleep with a hoagie in and woke up 4 hrs later with dip spit all over my shirt and someone blood all over my hands and shirt. well as this happend i woke up and pounding down a few swallows of evan and began wotrking the magic with these older girls that were my brothers friend. waqs my brother happy i pounded a good friends of his absolutly not but was it worth it yes. the funny part is i blacked out again after that and woke up the next morning to some crazy pics after the hot tub with the chick i banged little sister. was that a fun blackout yess and do my parents now want to send to me rehab yes but idc. they dont understand the life i live and how to have fun obviously.

Couple weeks ago I put down a shitload of beers. The bro haters at the party tried to pull some shit called "cutting you off". But luckily, through my own bro-skills, I had seen it coming and stashed a couple in my coat pockets. Woke up the next morning with no idea what happened. Apparently I had pissed on the wall in my bro's closet and punched the floor which got my blood everywhere. I thought it was funny as shit. But my friend is still a little mad that his closet smells like piss... Bro hater...

Me and my friends were at a house party. Double strength jello shots, wop bongs, liquor bongs, all fucking night. Then I black the fuck out. somone puts e in my drink. I body box my jacked friend breaking my elbow and his hand. We continue partying. We trash the house throw the grill in the pool and grill a entire ham with a pizza on top of it. And i wake up ass naked next to a .1/10