Scientists isolate the “Pickles” gene which could end world hunger

After many years searching, it has finally been possible to isolate the gene that allows Eric Pickles to thrive, and even grow, on only 255 calories a day, one tenth of a normal adult intake. The implications are obvious - if humans could be genetically modified by injection with the Pickles gene we wouldn’t need to grow so much food and there would be plenty for the whole planet.

Contrary to popular belief, fat bergs the size of Eric Pickles do not eat very much at all and although they may have claimed this before, they were very rarely believed. Careful monitoring, however, was able to show that merely passing a typical fast food restaurant they were able to absorb around 25 calories from the air, mainly due to their increased surface area as no one could see when they pinched a french fry.

Many scientists up to now regarded the whole concept as pie in the sky, but with the co-operation of several leading research institutes and Eric Pickles in person, the gene has now been tested in pigs. Gloucester Old Spots were chosen as they are very similar to many humans in their robust physique and more importantly their eating habits.

Shares in leading supermarkets fell initially on the news, but rose later when it was revealed that currently the only way to inject the gene was by natural insemination.