Saturday, July 01, 2017

An Activist Runs A Company

Potbelly
shares moving higher in recent trade following report that activist might seek
sale of the company—Briefing.com
June 21, 2017

“Good morning, thanks for dialing into
this ‘all hands’ call.I’m Phil
Dickweed and as I’m sure you saw in the press release this morning, I’ve been elected acting-CEO of this
restaurant chain—”

“Wait,
how did pronounce your name? The press-release said ‘Dickweed.’”

“ ‘Dyke-weed.’
It’s Dutch. And I’ve been elected
acting-CEO of this restaurant chain, which has focused so much on benefitting communities across the country by creating
thousands of jobs for those without college educations and helping them educate
their children and care for their parents—rather than on short-term profits—that it committed an unpardonable sin last month: it missed earnings by three pennies, causing the stock to under-perform its
benchmarks for the quarter. Therefore the Board had no choice but to terminate the founder
and visionary whose blood, sweat and tears built a business whose focus was entirely
on its customers and the worth of its employees to society as a whole. The message I want
to bring you is that today, starting right now, all that changes, and from this
moment on we’re going to operate this business for the shareholders—”

“Dick-weed
is Dutch?”

(Pause.) “Yes, but it’s pronounced ‘Dyke-weed.’ Who’s
asking?”

“I’m…Peter
Piper.”

(Long pause.)“Let’s move on to the key talking points my
assistant has prepared for me.Starting now,
we are implementing a zero-based budgeting process that leans into the desire
for enhanced shareholder value—”

“Wait,
did you say, ‘lean into’?”

“Yes.We’re going to lean into—”

“What
does that even mean?Like, you’re actually
leaning while you talk?”

“That’s ‘Dyke-weed,’ Monty, and as I said,
we’re implementing zero-based budgeting like Warren Buffett’s good friends at
3G did when they took over Heinz and Burger King and Kraft and fired thousands
of people and eliminated all unnecessary spending to the benefit of Warren
Buffett and themselves through the stock appreciation—”

“Wait,
so what kind of car do you drive?”

“Beg your pardon?”

“What
kind of car do you drive?Just curious.”

“Ah, it’s a Lexus LC, if you really need
to know—”

“So
that’s like a hundred grand, right?”

“Well, it’s up there, certainly, but—”

“So
why do you need a car that costs a hundred grand, Mister Zero-Based-Budgeting? Why don

’t you lean into a car that costs less, like the rest of us?” “Because it has nothing to do with work, it’s my
personal choice.”

“Hold on. He has a car that costs a hundred thousand dollars? Who can
afford a hundred thousand dollar car?”

“A Dick-weed
can.”

“It’s pronounced ‘Dyke-weed’ and it’s a
personal choice.”

“What’s
his first name,‘Total’?”

“My first name is NOT ‘Total’—it’s ‘Phil’
and the car I drive is a personal choice that has nothing to do—”

“It’s
a personal choice that only a guy like you can make with the money you’ve made getting people fired
when you do your little ‘activist’ raindance at all these companies you target,
right?”

“Well—”

“But
if he’s so big on Zero-Based-Budgeting, why does he drive a hundred thousand
dollar car?Why not a Volvo?”

“Or
a Chevy!”

“Why
doesn’t he just take Uber?”

“Too
expensive!He should take Greyhound!”

“He should walk.”

“Off
a cliff—”

“What
about his assistant? What kind of car
does his assistant drive?”

“I
bet it’s better than mine—”

“This call is ended.Have a good day.”

Jeff Matthews

Author
“Secrets in Plain Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”

The content contained in this blog represents only
the opinions of Mr. Matthews. This
commentary in no way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied
on in making an investment decision, ever. Also, this blog is not a solicitation of
business by Mr. Matthews: the content herein is intended solely for the entertainment
of the reader, and the author.