Carolyn Hax:

DEAR CAROLYN: I am in my 30s and live on the opposite coast from my family. We speak about once a month and exchange casual emails. Our relationship is fraught.

I got divorced this year; it was amicable. I decided to try being open with my parents about it, and they ramped up our communication to phone calls every other week and more frequent emails. They gave me a significant sum of money to clear debts.

I wondered when I'd have to pay for their kindness. It's now. They think I should give up my career and move back in with them. I've refused, but we had agreed I would come stay with them for Thanksgiving week. My sister will be staying there with her cats.

My mother called to worry about how my presence would affect the cats. I sent my dad a brief email saying my feelings were hurt. He replied saying never mind about the cats, and they are looking forward to reconnecting with me, but I should understand my mother has been stressed about my divorce.

He then added that they are holding off booking their vacation for next year until they know what my future plans are.

None of this is out of character for them, but it's hurtful. I was prepared to grit my teeth and get through Thanksgiving to show my thanks for the money and try to improve our relationship. If I cancel this trip, I will cause a rift that will be impossible to repair.

More Important Than My Sister's Cats

Advertisement

DEAR MORE IMPORTANT: You need to recognize that taking offense at each bizarre thing your parents say is undermining your goal of getting along with them. Seeing your mom's cat ramblings, for example, as a declaration of preference for the feelings of the cats? That's looking for the negative, which puts you on the defensive.

Instead, take a step back and look at your mom's call in the context of your years of tetchy relations. You might instead see her whole detour into cat psychology as a proxy for her fear this visit won't go well. Communication problems are your letter's prevailing theme.

Take the vacation loopiness. Could it be that your parents are fretting about your social and financial place in the world post-divorce and their subsequent duty toward you -- and, lacking the ways and words to make this anxiety manageable, pinning it to their travel plans?

You can apply context and perspective, too, to the way you respond to your parents, combined with strong resolve to break the habit of assuming the worst of them. Assume instead they're trying their best -- and remain focused on your let's-all-get-along goal: "Maybe I will freak out the cats, but let's play it by ear. I'm sure we can solve any problems that arise."

As for your divorce -- ugh. For that, long-term, you can only hold the line and pay them back ASAP.

Last thing. Thanks to some delightful antecedent trouble, your dad assured you the cats "are looking forward to reconnecting" with you. Just a smile to pack for your trip.