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Sunday

Before the results let me tell you this wasn’t easy. Far from it, but we’re all absolutely pleased as a chap who ordered a Big Mac and got a Double Big Mac with Bacon and Cheese by mistake. Properly chuffed. Thrilled to bits. Made up like. Over the moon. Thin as fuck. I mean I look like a wanker off TOWIE now with my one ab and some ribs that have been hiding for years, wearing my clothes from the dark end of the wardrobe that haven’t been on for 2 years. Jane, pass me that fake bake. I’m getting Umpa Lumpa’d tonight.

We’ve been chatting and I may have made this blog sound like a God awful journey but you’ve got my thoughts as they happened really and it’s hard to be up when your feeling as you’d expect to feel on a Detox Diet. I’ve tried to make it a bit amusing and saying the juices are tasty and filling…..well that’s just bollux and you wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t set out to be a poster boy for John’s Detox so I tried to take the piss a bit. He asked me to give him updates which was an interesting distraction and allowed me to get my own back for all the beastings I’ve had in the gym. Being pleased with your cardboard food or your reduced fat milk shake or basically cheerful about any diet whilst doing it is just masochistic and likely untrue…..else you wouldn’t be a fatty. I didn’t enjoy it but it got better. It didn’t get easier but after 4 days the end was in sight so it did finish. Saying that and to be fair and not give too much bias, I hate all fuckin’ diets with a passion. I was thin (but thought I should lose a lb or 2) before I started dieting. Atkins, Hollywood, Cabbage, Low Carb…..I’ve messed about with all of them. But in this case the effect cannot be discounted. Overall, and remember that hindsight is 20/20, it’s been well worth it and I would not hesitate to recommend it to anyone who is definite and determined about wanting to lose some weight quickly. Whatever the reason, be it an Upcoming Wedding, Just popped out a sproglet or two, Going to the club where you boyfriend’s ex is likely to be, School Reunion, Bar Mitzvah, Christening or just looking to wave bye bye to some of those Custard slices (genuinely my one weakness) then this diet works!!!! Whatever your shape/sex/age as our demographic shows :-

Jane is my 21 (ahem) year old wife. She’s relatively fit (and I mean PHIT) She’s about 5′ 7″ in her 40′s and she dropped 11lbs in 4 days!!!!!!

I’m a catch in anyone’s book. 45 year old beer bellied, eat all the wrong food at the wrong time of day, 6′ DemiGod. Knackered knees, shoulder and elbow but other than that, I’m a keeper. I lost 1 stone 2lbs in 7 days.

Ross is a 32 year old vertically challenged wing man (and he’s on the market ladies) He’s fitter than most and has a great taste in mates. Helost 1 stone 3lbs (the jammy bastard) in 7 days.

Some upside to all this. Food tastes amazing #fact. When was the last time you really savored whatever you were putting in your mouth (stop it girls, I’m talking about food here) Coffee is 4.2 million times better than boiled water with a slice of Lemon which is 200 times better than boiled water on it’s own. I am looking forward to my meals now that I wont just graze and eat shit all day without noticing. This diet really shows you the habits you’ve gotten into over time. I must visit the biscuit barrel 5 times a day. I know this coz I kept going then realizing that I am on a friggin’ detox diet……… pesky Custard Creams are my one weakness so it’s not like its my fault. And usually I’ll pick up 6, think, whoa big fella you’re on a diet so drop 2 back and only eat 4 (on that visit!!!!!). Then when I’ve been to the gym I’ll probably get another 3 or 4 coz I’ve earned them! And dont get me started on Beer. Becks is another of my one weaknesses. And when I get 6 I never send 2 back to the bar…..they’re not Custard Creams after all. And I’d eat Tesco’s finest Ceaser salads coz I’m tryna lose weight. But I’d have to have 2 coz they didn’t fill me up…..and a ham butty coz ham butties are fit with a cup of tea and 2 sugars!

I’ve just finished my first meal in a week. I could taste everything. It was one of the nicest meals I can remember for a long time. And it was a salad!

Some Key Lessons Learned :-

This is tough. You need to be committed. Take a week to work up to starting it just to mentally prepare yourself.

Tell everyone you’re doing it. Peer pressure is an amazing motivator if you’re that way inclined.

Get your partner or mate (or both in my case) to do it with you. It’s friggin’ horrible watching other people eat whilst you slurp on you’re 3rd juice of the day.

Like quitting smoking, set the date and then commit.

Know why you’re doing it. Remind yourself often. John will send lots of motivational texts and check in on you 3 or 4 times a day.

Exercise but be realistic. We suffered trying to push at our usual pace. You will struggle for energy. Accept it and go where the diet takes you. If you need a kip, get a blanket and have a kip.

Water is your friend. It bulks the juices and keeps you feeling full. Although you too will piss like a bull elephant.

If you can, take time off work/other commitments. Concentration and energy comes in peaks and troughs. You will get stressed and short tempered. Ross is one narky fucka when he’s peckish…..trust me.

You will sleep like a baby. Like I said earlier in the blog, I usually get by on 4-6 hours kip. I’ve been having 10 hours straight. Getting up at 4 tomorrow morning is gonna be tough.

Weigh-in but don’t weigh again until the end. John made us do this and I didn’t understand why. I thought he was just being controlling but it helped that I couldn’t check my progress and come the end I was grinning like the school kid with the biggest dick in the showers when I saw those numbers!

Be it 3 days or 7 days it’s only 3 days or 7 days. You won’t die. It will end. And you will be chuffed with the results.

So the final stats are :-

(After 7 Days Detox Juice Diet)

Ross

Lost

Weight

1 Stone 3Lb’s

Chest

- 4.5cm (1.7”)

Waist

- 10.5cm (4.1”)

Bicep

+ 1.5cm (0.5”)

Thigh

+ .5cm (Bugger All)

Gavin

Lost

Weight

1 Stone 2Lb’s

Chest

- 4.25cm (1.6”)

Waist

- 9cm (3.5”)

Bicep

No Change (still fuckin’ massive)

Thigh

- 3.5cm (1.3”)

(After 4 Days Detox Juice Diet)

Jane

Lost

Weight

11Lb’s

Chest

- 4.5cm (1.7”)

Waist

- 7.5cm (3”)

Bicep

- 3.25cm (1.2”)

Thigh

No Change

That’s if from me for now. We’re monitoring ourselves for this next week then may work with John to develop a follow on program. It won’t involve juices now we’ve detox’d but he’s putting together a maintenance plan for us and I may blog about that in the future. Or I may just get pissed on 2 pints of Becks. It’s been tough, but well worth it. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about it. Hand on heart I didn’t cheat once and I am really proud of that. Fuck me it was hard sometimes though

Sunday

I’ve just necknominated my 2nd to last juice. I wanna vom. They’ve not been awful but I really gotta stop drinking them today. I am developing a gag reflex!

John’s coming with my scales around 6pm tonight. An hour early at my special request coz I couldnt face another day of 4 juices….especially when i’m gonna get a fit scran in the SparrowHawk tonight. Genuinely excited to be able to each food again and to see what weight i’ve lost. My prediction…………I reckon 17lbs – 1 stone 3 pounds. Not 100% like, i’ll be happy with 1st. Anything less will piss me off, anything more is a bonus.

Saturday

Kick start today with a nice lil circuit session – standard Saturday morning – just a little slower. Energy is still an issue but overall feeling good and strong today. I thought it was funny when lots of people waiting for KettleBells after circuit saw Ross’s juices and asked loads of questions. Oooo they look nice, is that the juice diet thing (they’re doing kettlebells so they aint einstein). What’s in them? (we don’t know – we reckon Horse shit with a hint of straw, some dust off the floor and a little ginger for flavour). Are they tasty? Have you lost any weight yet? All funny coz Ross was like Yeah, Dunno, No, Dunno. Seriously, not since boxing in ’88 have I been so nervous over a weigh-in.

I’ve got my stats recorded and cant wait to see if I’ve lost a pound or two

To be honest, every atom of my being is looking forward to a simple bowl of noodles and king prawns (they’re my one weakness) and maybe some bread. It’s gonna have to be brown nutty bread. We’ll see

I just cant wait to sink my teeth into pretty much anything that isn’t a green juice. I’m fed up with them now and they’re starting to make me gag……..I think i am developing a bit of a phobia. I skipped last nights juice and just went to bed hungry. I figure I am as detoxified as I am gonna get. You’d think that I’d be so pure now that I wouldn’t even swear wouldn’t ya? Bollux to that. You try drinking what I’ve been drinking for the last 6 days. I reckon even the Pope would drop the odd F bomb half way through. He’d turn it into a prayer though. <Slurp> Oh sweet Jesus ‘n Mary Mother of God, please send down your winged angels to take this fuckin juice from me and protect me from Evil (or juice number 2)…Amen.

I keep wanting to chew a slice of bread (and spit it out….i’m no cheat) but I am too strong for that. I reckon this is Ross

When all this is done – ie, 7pm Tomorrow night, I’ll probably put all my stats on here. Start weight, waist measurement, chest measurement, pecker measurement (hope I’ve not lost any weight off my precious), bicep measurement etc. It’ll give some sense of progress and how much this diet has impacted (or otherwise) and will let me know if it’s been worth it. I’ll also put some lessons learned and Top Tips.

I think my before picture looks like this……

It has been bloody hard, some days a real struggle. It gets easier after day 4. Some stats I know off the top of my head. Poop = 2 (totally screwing with my Candy Crush progress). Pee = 4,306,189.

Me knob’s worn out.

He’ll have to go on a willy workout

Anyway, this day is done. 1 more juice tonight, 4 more tomorrow and weigh-in. Then it’s off to the pub for a nice scran.

Friday

So this morning Jane was weighed after she finished her 4 day Detox and bugger me sideways with a plastic pineapple, she’s only gone and lost 11lb’s

How fantastic is that. She’s lost :-

7.5 cm off her waist

4 cm off her boobs (On a personal note I’m not overly impressed by that……..)

3cm off her biceps

AND 11 Pounds

So you should all send her big high 5′s as she goes off for a jolly girls weekend leaving me and Ross to slog our guts out for another 2 1/3 days (but who’s counting).

It was funny watching John try to herd me away from the scales. The temptation to jump on and see what I’ve lost so far was almost overwhelming but I played it down and had a little weep to myself whilst he was congratulating Jane. I dont think he noticed

Another day of Juices ahead. I feel fine. I think I have some energy. I may even need a Candy Crush dump soon. It’s small victories like this that make it worthwhile.

They’re already plotting my continuation diet after this detox which feels a little premature if I’m honest. I guess I’m up for that if it includes coffee and the odd Custard Cream biscuit (they’re my one weakness)!!

Thursday

Ok so a lazy day out of necessity. Still totally exhausted from the bike ride yesterday so a relax in front of the tv. The kind of day off you think you’ll have when you plan a week off work but then you fill your time with stuff and then wonder where the week went. We watched Riddick. DO NOT WATCH RIDDICK on your day off…..it’s 90 minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Just saying.

Ross walked the dog – 5 miles. Felt like a marathon he says (he doesn’t know. He doesn’t run marathons…..that’s why he’s fat. Well that and Chips and Pizza). I felt ok tonight so I went to Bootcamp with @stt_bootcamp and as a guinea pig for this detox juice diet I was expecting a bit of a free ride. What with having fuck all energy and all. Turns out that was a bust – no free ride for specimen number 1. Normal full on circuit training. But weirdly enough I feel absolutely fine now. I was low on energy when the class was going on but not that far off the pace. More mental I reckon. And I got lots of wolf whistles when I walked in……lots of “Wow you’ve lost weight off your face” which is a ball acher coz I wasn’t arsed about having a fat face. They noticed I was underwhelmed and all started with “ooh haven’t you lost loads off your belly” which was nice. Too little too late if you ask me. Fuckaz. But I was enjoying my 15 seconds in the limelight as it meant he was starting the session late…..then Jane arrived and she took all the ooohs and ahhhhs. Skinny Bitch.

Anyway, about this detox. You get to piss a lot you know. I mean I could wear a catheter and it could dribble out like a leaky tap. Hardly any dump which is annoying as hell coz my Candy Crush score is really suffering. I liked to spend a good 40 minutes backing out a scud missile or two whilst eBaying or getting another level on Candy Crush. I’m over level 500 so you get the picture. And it has been remarked that I hardly ever guff now. Again that is annoying because everyone used to be pissed off when I did guff and now they all miss it. Fart Hypocrites.

I’m sure once I get back on solid food I shall be cracking out some whoppaz once more. Hmmmm Whoppaz – by far the best burger. You know that whole BK vs McDonalds has always bugged me. Maccies do the best fries, no questions but BK does the best burgers. BK burgers are my one weakness so I should know……I’ve researched the issue thoroughly.

Anyway, days to do are getting few as we used to say in the army. 4 Days done, 3 to go before a big fat scran at the Sparrowhawk on Sunday night. I already know what I am having. I fuckin dream about this. Ross is going for a steak. Predictable as ever. I am having Hot Vietnamese king prawn and rice noodle salad with mint, coriander, chilli and lime dressing. I can taste it already. It’s like waiting for Christmas this is.

3 Sleeps before a nice noodle salad. What the holy fuck has happened to me? Still, you eat crisps, pizza, kebabs, chips, lager and dont forget cakes and trifles (they’re my one weakness you know) and you have to pay the piper one day.

Ye know what really grinds my gears? Those people who say “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Fuck off. Loads and loads tastes better than skinny feels. Knobheads! Now I gotta go drink a glass of tasty green stuff. After this one, 12 more to go.

Thursday

Jane’s last day today. She has been absolutely ACE. She set out to do the 3 day detox to support me but she’s volunteered for the 4th day – I don’t know how she does it but she just cracks on as if we’re not doing a juice diet. She’s my hero. And she tells me my belly’s gone flatter. I have an AB ladies and gentlemen. A whole fuckin AB. My belly is like a washboard.

So today I am almost apoplectic. John has gone overboard and added colouring (and i do hope flavouring) to some of the detox potions. Day 4 sees the arrive of Mr Purple. It looks like red win to me, which as you all know is my one weakness. So I am gonna gorge myself mid morning.

So as today is Jane’s last day I wanna say a big big THANK YOU for all your help Jane. I really really could not have done it without you. Actually, to be fair, I wouldn’t have started it without you volunteering me. Hmmmmmm

So far I am knackered with hangover feeling. I guess that’s like a ghost hangover as Wednesday is my usual night of debauchery so my body may be compensating. No becks have past these lips since Saturday. So maybe day 4 is a coffee hangover day. Surely to Jesus there cant be many more toxins left in this finely tuned machine. I mean, I did a bike ride of death for fucks sake. Today, walk or die.

Wednesday

It’s struck me that if I’d signed up for the 3 day program I’d be done now and half way through a massive chicken butty. And custard creams dipped in a massive bath of coffee. With Trifle. I love Trifle. It’s my one weakness.

But we didnt so it’s 4 more days of this to do. Tomorrow at 12pm is the halfway mark. I’ve noticed some changes…..more of that later with some tips I’ve picked up along the way.

Today has been a day of 2 halves and I blame myself for that.

I woke up this morning after a great kip – I’ve been sleeping really well since I started this detox. I usually get by on 4 or 6 hours sleep with my frequent trips to the big smoke and all meaning lots of early starts, but, in a manic attempt to avoid food (well, the kitchen really) and any food based advertising I’ve been off to the land of nod with a sky movie or two. Sleeping from about 9:30pm – 7:30am. This means that most of the morning I’ve been feeling energized and good to go. Too energized as it turns out. The head was willing but the heart and engine were not. Coz I was hurting from yesterdays PT session (long story about my old injuries suffered during my military service (if it wasn’t for me you’d all be speaking Iraqi)) I thought it would be a great idea to skive off the PT today…….made up some excuses and had a nice long snooze.

Then my wingman Ross pinged me and said let’s do a bike ride. Ross is like a fat Bradley Wiggins. I mean fast. Road runner fast. I am not fast. I haven’t been built for speed for many years. He’s Bradley Wiggins…….I’m more of a Boris Johnson

So we set off on a 22 mile bike ride. A standard loop along the Cheshire Lines to Maghul, a jolly past Old Faithful (KFC Litherland) and down to Seaforth and Crosby Marina, along the front by Burbo Bank, through Hightown (six finger city) and back to Formby along the lovely new path by Altcar Ranges. Usual time for that trip would be about 90 minutes. Today, nearly 2 hours. We had to stop several times for rest – absolutely no energy at all. And then when we got back to Formby I could barely stand. It knocked me sick really. My own fault, riding at the same speed with no fuel = mini crisis. You live and learn. Even Ross was knackered and that really is saying something. He’s an absolute machine on a bike so I secretly felt a little joy at his pain…..not enough to distract from my own you understand, but enough to give me a little glow where a snickers should have been.

Oh, by the way, a strange thing has happened. I don’t feel hungry now. Well I guess I could eat, you know, a cake or two. Maybe after a big fuck off steak with chips and peas, then some cake, with Trifle on top. Anwyay, Yeah, the hunger pangs are gone. I’ve still got a growly tummy but I wouldn’t say I am starving hungry. I was on day 1 but not today.

I guess the worst of all this Detoxification is the light headedness, the headaches, the body aches and the constant day dreaming about chocolate digestives, chicken breast (any birds <sic> breasts really but recently more chicken breast than is healthy) and food in general. The headaches are bad but they come and go. The body aches aren’t too bad. Constantly being cold is a pain. The light headedness is doing my head in to be honest. That’s what makes it hard to do anything. I can’t concentrate on anything for very long and what makes me think that if you were to do this week long detox, take some time off work. I imagine it would be very difficult for me to do my normal (desk based) day job, concentrating on helping you all get your facebook pages quicker, your youtube videos streaming faster and access to your favourite porn sites without any pesky spinning hourglasses on your computer screen.

So enough wittering for today. Yeah I’m hungry, Yeah I’m tired, Yeah I can’t get warm but fuck it. I ate all those cakes, drank all that lager and kept several fish and chip shops afloat to get into this mess in the first place. There’s always a reckoning. And payback is a bitch.

TIPS for this detox malarkey

Book time off work or lay aside some time to do this.

Water is your friend. Water the heck out of the shakes. It makes them more palatable and fills you up.

It only tastes like shit for the first day or two. Then your taste buds die and it gets marginally less shit.

Sleep is your friend. Sleep when you’ve got to sleep. Staying awake is boring when you’re just thinking of food.

Work out or exercise – but be sensible and take into account the lack of energy. We wanted to hike Scafell Pike. We’ve done it quite a few times but that can fuck off until I’ve had a burger or two. Fuel for the fire.

Get yourself a wingman. Ross has been ace at stopping me from chowing down at my low points. You kind of develop a sacred bond of trust…..we’re playing a game of who blinks first and it helps keep you strong when you’re weak.

Oh today I got told that I am not as fat looking as I was last week. Which is nice. Like being told those detox juices are marginally less shit than shit

Tuesday

This juice detox is tough. No other word for it really. All morning I was fine. I didn’t feel hungry, was a little zapped as far as energy was concerned but overall was ok. Had my mid-afternoon shake – the only one that is even remotely palatable – and then had a mini crash of sorts.

Cold, shivering, cant concentrate, achey (from early morning PTs i guess) hungry, head ache and redundant teeth. All these symptoms were expected. We’d been told about them by John before we signed up. But when people tell you about a head ache it doesn’t feel any thing like it when you actually have one. It’s like being told how good a cake tastes……..useless information until you have a whole Chocolate Eclaire in your gob……then you know. Or a Custard slice. Custard slices are my one weakness. Well those and Blue Ribbands (only 99 calories). I am actually crying real tears over how much I miss custard slices.

Anyway, these juices – some candid feedback.

Not too awful (everything is in varying degrees of awful. Do not confuse “not awful” with good). I guess it sets your mind with what delights to expect for the rest of the day.

Absolutely shit. I think i would happily do 3 shakes per day if I got to miss out shake number 2. Makes me gag. Tastes like old carrots and shit mixed in with a few twigs.

Not too shabby. Actually as close to ok as you’re gonna get eating grass and twigs with a few leaves for flavouring.

Remember when you used to eat? Well if you ate Sushi as I was wont to do from time to time, then occasionally you would eat a piece of raw ginger just for a laugh. Well number 4 tastes like that (with twigs and leaves of course).

Breakfast, Lunch, Snack and Dinner

I think that I will have to make my teeth redundant. I have to clean them 3 or 4 times a day now as my breath stinks like death but they aint chewing anything or contributing in any way. Secretly I think they weigh about 4oz’s. That’s a quarter of a pound #ffs. Who needs teeth when you are literally drinking your meals through a straw.

Tuesday

How many cups of boiled water does it take to make you think you’ve had a coffee? Just over a million I reckon.

There are many benefits of the Detox Juice diet but chief amongst them must be to help remind you what your pecker is for.

So far this morning I’m not feeling too bad. I’ve had my breakfast bowl of green. Tasted of kiwi fruit if I am honest. And grass and twigs. Not too bad.

Dreading the mid morning one. It’s yellowish and really hard to eat. Gonna water it down big time and turn it into a drink and do my own NekNomination.

Strange morning. Did the PT session 8-9 with John in the gym. Low energy so I think he went easy on us…..which he needed too. But I’m not starving. Thought I would be this morning but not too bad to be honest. Saying that, I did have to go to bed about 9 last night coz I was gonna eat the entire fridge. Serious cravings last night.

Apparently day 2 is a bad one for headaches and sugar cravings so I’m just planning on getting through today.

Monday

Well that was tougher than i thought it would be. I’ve had the headaches I was told to expect from caffeine withdrawal. Every advert on TV is for food and I am friggin’ starvin’.

John’s been good. He’s offering support in his own way with motivational texts…….”37 1/2 hours before you stop feeling shite”

Every single waking moment seems to be related to food now that I can’t just snap off a block of cheese, play catch with some rolled up ham or just open crisps and biscuits whenever i want.

But (and it’s a big but) DAY 1 DONE. No cheating. A short walk with Ross’s dog (shit weather and all that). PT session done. Feel like absolute crap so I am in bed at 8pm watching soaps with chocolate adverts in each break. Seems to be the best way to get through this bit of the day……what i used to call the red wine and savory snack part. I remember when i quit smoking I had to avoid places where i smoked most……typically the pub. Now I have to avoid my own fucking kitchen!!!!!!

Doing it as a team has helped. Ross told me that I can do this, “oh and by the way (and dont take this the wrong way Gav)…….. your breath stinks of shit”. Everything i am eating is green and he wouldn’t even let me have a mint. Good lad

Day 2 tomorrow. I’m hoping John makes the detox juice taste marginally better and adds subtle flavours like Vanilla and coconut instead of trying to use ginger and fennel or some other green root vegetable to mask the flavour of, what is basically a cows dinner. Cows are fat too you know!!!!!!!