Bulk-Order Lingerie

Before I go into this saga, let’s lay some ground rules. If you know me in real life, we will not speak of this information I am about to divulge. However, a small fist bump in acknowledgement of my struggle will be allowed. Also, if you are a male and we know each other, go away. This ain’t for you and if you fist bump me about this one day, I’ll fist bump your face. Okay, now that that is settled…

A few weeks ago, I bulk ordered bras and underwear from Amazon. T’was a low point in my life, friends. I don’t think I had bought myself any lingerie in years and I was finally tired of my stretched out, tired delicates. But who has the time to buy more lingerie?! Then, one night, I was on Amazon ordering the kids new underwear and socks (so much cheaper online!) and I thought to myself, “Why the heck not?!”

After a quick search, I found an awesome deal on both bras and underwear. (P.S. I cannot stand the word panties. Let’s not ever say it to each other, okay, imaginary friends?) I bought SEVEN bras for $30 and 40 pair of underwear for $20! Whooo hoooo!

A few days later, my goods arrived. From China, naturally. The underwear wasn’t horrible. Actually, it’s pretty comfy. But the bras? How should I explain them? They feel like they might be made out of the paper that those dressing gowns are made out of at the doctors office. Also, they don’t fit quite right. I feel like my boobs are just OUT THERE all of a sudden.

I confessed all of this to my sister one night last week and and sent her a picture. She shamed me. I believe her exact words were, “Go to Victoria’s Secret, buy a nice bra, and don’t EVER do this again.” And then I heard her eye roll.

And she was right, so I kept all the tags on my bras and planned to return them to Amazon sometime last week. But – again – WHO HAS THE FLIPPIN’ TIME?! So, they sat in a pile in my bedroom until last Thursday when I couldn’t find my slingshot other bra and then I gave up and wore one to school.

It didn’t look terrible, actually. A little cone-y, perhaps, but nothing too bad. But, still, something felt weird. It didn’t seem to fit right. I kept pulling on it all morning as I drove to work. When I got to work, I went down to a friend’s classroom and found two teacher friends.

“Help me,” I said. And I explained my bra crisis to them.

“YOU BULK-ORDERED BRAS FROM AMAZON?!” they shrieked. And then one of them grabbed my shirt, lifted it up, and said, “Let me see…”

And there was my boob. Completely NOT in my bra cup. No wonder it felt weird!

Once I finally got myself all tucked in correctly, it felt MUCH better. And we all agreed that it didn’t look too bad.

I’m going to be the 40 year old version of your sister and say “go to Nordstrom, buy a few nice bras.” I swear, the last time I went to Victoria’s Secret some 19 year old size 0 offered to size me and I thought the LAST thing I’m going to do here is bare my boobs that nursed 2 babies and stretch marked saggy stomach that bore those 2 babies to a tiny teenager. She’ll never have kids! It would be like ruining the future generations of her family. Nordstroms. It’s the grown ass lady place to be.