An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when ronaldo walks in. "Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection." "Hey," says rooney . "If he's having a new car, so am I."

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky""No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

> She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair,he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?""Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. You can do all the drugs you want,you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

A Microsoft marketing exec died and went up to the pearly gates. St.Peter says, "Well, which do you want Heaven or Hell?"

The exec looked surprised. What, you mean I get to choose...?"

"Sure", says St Peter. We've learned a lot from all the Microsoft exec's we've had here. Customer Choice, thats what it's all about. Waht's better is you get to try out before choosing, how about few days in Hell?"

"And then I come back?"

"Sure" says St Peter. "After 30 days, you'll be back here"

"...er... well o.k"

In a flash he was in hell, but looking around there was a beach with a few girls in bikini. Someone came up to him and gave him a cigar, and a pina collada. There music, warm sunshine. It was great. A girl ran up to him, hugged him and said "Welcome to hell"

"This isn't right", he says, this can't be hell!"

"It sure is says the girl, you don't want to believe the rumours, this is a top quality product!, You'll love it. If it was horrid, no one would stay."

Thirty days later, the exec was all mellow, he had a couple of girlfriends, drinks on tap, a beach hut. It was great. Then, suddenly whoosh! He was back at the gates with St.Peter.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY

The experience of spending one entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND

That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please"

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo !Oo !Oo!

Aa !Aa !Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager)

PEARLHARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

Potentially and Realistically.... A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."

Logged

The original underground extreme ironer

wallop

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchasesome sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shownseveral possibilities that range from $250 to $500in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Heopts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 andtakes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to goupstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's sosheer that it might as well be nothing. I won'tput it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return ittomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

RM

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by "Only 51 days"? One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days..... and on the box it said 4-7 years!"

A blonde buys a lottery ticket and heads home to watch the draw on TV. Every single number matches her ticket and she jumps up and down in joy having won Ã‚Â£8.2m. The next day she heads back to the shop to ask for her prize money.

"Sorry luv" says the shopkeeper, "we can't pay out prizes that big, you have to head to the lottery headquarters in London."

"London!" exclaims the blonde, "I can't afford a train ticket all the way to London, I want a refund!"