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Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Lessons in Being a Feline Overlord

The bed belongs to you - leave very little spacefor the human.

Hello out there in the Bloggosphere,

Over at Sometimes, it is Lupus, Mum often joins in those "let's all post on the same topic" things bloggers do together. Usually, she's doing something about lupus or human health, so I'm not especially interested, but today she's joining in a project for Problogger to write a "how-to" post. Well, I thought, I could join in with that. I know how to do lots of very important things.

So today, I'm going to tell all you cats out there how to be Feline Overlords. Not quite like me, because I'm the Supreme Feline Overlord, but you can be effective Overlords in your own home.

Ways to become a Feline Overlord:

Respond only to sounds that benefit you. That means you come running when you hear a can opener or a treat packet being opened. Do not respond when your human is calling you to come inside at lock-up time.

The bed belongs to you. Leave as little space as possible for the human.

You decide your feeding time. Humans will want to feed you when they feel like it. Don't accept that. If you feel like eating, yowl at your empty dish. Disrupt whatever the human is doing. If all else fails, bite the human and threaten to eat him/her if you don't get something else to eat immediately.

If you want to play with it, it's a cat toy. It doesn't matter what "it" is. Did the curtain move with the breeze? It's a cat toy. Your human's knitting? The yarn is a cat toy. Your human's playing a computer game? The keyboard's a cat-toy (and so is his/her hand.)

Any pre-warmed seat is yours. It doesn't matter if the human only intended to get up for a couple of minutes. You take the seat, and you don't give it up when the human returns.

Of course, those are just a few tips to get you started. I might do another post later with an advanced lesson. Or not. I'll do whatever I feel like. I'm the Supreme Feline Overlord, after all.

Books by Iris, available in paperback and ebook versions, from:

Patchwork

Patchwork is an anthology of short stories and poems by author and blogger Iris Carden. In this volume, you will deal with the aftermath of a dog bite in Bad Moon Rising, spend a sleepless night with The Possum in the Roof, and investigate a weird religious cult in The Time of Blood and Death. The print version of the book has a bonus story not in the eBook version.

Beside Still Waters

A book of sermons and brief reflections on Christian Scripture, by Rev Iris Carden. There is no specific order to the items in the book, they are intended to each be a "surprise" in that they are not related to the items around them. It is hoped that in each, the reader will find something new or special, or unexpected, a message from God. Rev Iris Carden has a Master's Degree in Theology and more than 10 years of experience as a Christian minister

Cat-it-orial

Mr Bumpy is such a talented cat, he even runs his own website: mrbumpycat.com. He is a blogger, and a very bad cat. His favourite hobby is world domination. His next hobby is harassing the humans and other animals he shares a home with. In this book, you can see the world through the eyes of a megalomanicat, and some of the other animals who share his home.

Group Meeting

(Novella) In a facility for people recovering from mental illness: a group of people with sinister pasts starts to be visited by a girl who doesn't exist.

Karlee

Failing author Terry Dixon is made an offer that seems unbelievable. He can have all of his problems solved, have everything he has ever wanted, for a price. The price is something that "will not be too difficult" for him to pay - but it is not specified what it actually will be. With bills mounting up and a deadline looming, Terry agrees to a deal with something he knows nothing about.

About the Author

Iris Carden is a retired Uniting Church minister and former journalist. Lupus forced her to stop working. On good days she writes.

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Bloggercat at Work

Mr Bumpy on the computer.

Lunch Break

It's not that hard - open fridge, get cat food.

About Mr Bumpy

My name's Mr Bumpy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. (The humans I allow to live with me sometimes complain about me being on the computer - but they're mere humans, what do they know?)

My greatest achievements to date are: throwing Miss C's mobile phone out the window during the night; explaining to the dog who is boss; putting a mouse in Mum's slipper; bringing a live snake into the house and playing with it under the birdcage; and getting my own cat biscuits out of the bag when the humans are too slow to do as they're told.

I do have some help with my blog here - my "Mum" a human named Iris does some of my typing for me. She's OK as humans go, so you might want to check out her blogs some time. And of course, there's a dog and some rats and budgies, but you're really not interested in them.

You can contact me (or any of the rest of the Mr Bumpy Cat Dot Com team) at: contact@mrbumpycat.com