Combining depressing thoughts with comedy and brutal honesty makes for some interesting writing. I know at least one person other than me agrees so that's good enough for me.

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Tag Archives: WTF

I’m not condoning hateful behavior because discrimination is a lot more than that. Most of the world is rather unintelligent and they discriminate improperly and that should not be done. But that doesn’t mean nobody should ever discriminate. At its very core, discrimination is simply differentiation. Everyone is different so they should be treated differently. They should be treated fairly, but not equally. It would be retarded to test a fish on its ability to climb a tree. Just like how it’s retarded to hire a fresh off the boat Chinese person who doesn’t speak English to be your customer service representative. The person is unfit for the job not because she’s Chinese, but because he doesn’t fuckin’ speak a lick of English.

She might not speak a lick of English but she’s still a great model because models don’t need to talk.

I was listening to Marc Maron’s WTF podcast where he interviewed Jason Stuart, a gay comedian. Jason was bitching about how hard it was for him to get jobs because he’s gay and how he just lost a job because he’s gay. His bitchings got on my nerve. He wasn’t having a hard time because of his sexual preference; he was having a hard time because he was being a faggot. At one point Jason said, “Am I supposed to change who I am just because I’m on a job?” Yes, Jason, you should. It’s not so crazy to ask a person to change who they are. There are lots of rapists out there who’re doing a damn fine job holding in their urges and not raping everyone they see. Should they also just be who they are?

Just like how she would need to change if she wanted an English speaking office job. She would need to speak English and stop positioning herself for fecal excretion in public.

You don’t get hired to express your feelings. Go do that on your own time when you’re not getting paid. When you’re working, you should be a good worker and stfu unless you’re spoken to. If you can’t do that, you’re just not the kind of worker they’re looking for. It has absolutely nothing to do with what you do with your penis and asshole during your free time. You’re just a bad worker who also happens to be gay. Just like how athletes are hired because they’re good athletes and not because they’re black. They just usually happen to be black.

This girl, however, is here because I googled “pretty black girl” for a picture to put here.

There’s a fine line between differentiation and hateful discrimination. Most people are just too stupid and associate all forms of differentiation as discrimination. Sometimes there are gray areas but sometimes it’s obviously unhateful. If you’re smart enough, you won’t need to resort to being offended as a default state. Here’s a progression of statements to demonstrate what I mean. “All women have breasts.” That is just plain fact and there’s nothing sexist about it. “All women have to dress accordingly depending on how they want their breasts to look in public.” That’s still perfectly factual with nothing sexist about it. Even if they don’t care about the way they dress, the way they end up dressing still affects the way their breasts look. “All women get a positive correlation of attention from men depending on the amount of boob they’re showing.” This is starting to hit some gray areas but it’s still mostly simply fact. If there’s any negative generalization, it’s not about women behavior at all; it’s about how men are dogs. But many people out there will gladly accuse me for making a negative accusation on women behavior. Well, I’m here to pre-emptively j’accuse you first.

There are many levels of depression. For a lot of my life, depression had lingered around, tampering with my motivation and making it harder to do things. But that’s all it used to do, make things harder. In the past few days, it has become debilitating. That is a whole different level. It’s a miracle that I can even write this blog in my current state. As of now, I am completely misunderstood and if I were to end my life, people would think that it was a stupid and impulsive thing to do. Stupid? Maybe. Some people think that suicide is always stupid. They’re entitled to their opinions. But impulsive? No. But it’s hard to justify that given I’m only 22 and haven’t lived my life at all yet.

I force myself to treat this blog as my last attempt to get people to understand me. Even as I write this, I realize its futility and perhaps in just a couple of days, I will lose the motivation to continue writing. Every time I re-read one of my sentences, I recognize how stupid it sounds and my motivation drops. I mean, c’mon, getting people to understand me? Who gives a shit? I can’t believe I even wrote that. Why am I lying to myself? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I’m doing this for money and recognition. Even when I don’t give a shit about life, I’m still so vain as to pursue the impossible dream of making a name for myself.

I envy the depressed people who can’t find a reason to get out of bed. Being riddled with insomnia is another reason why I’m doing this. I can’t even lay in bed like a corpse. I get up, check my email and facebook and find zero messages. Look for someone who I can complain about my shitty life to. Find no one. Go to bed. Can’t sleep. And repeat this hellish cycle again.

Todd Hanson had been experiencing his depression for 20 or so years before he decided he should just end his life. I’ve only been depressed for 6 years or so and I still have a bit of desire to live. But if I extrapolate the bleakness of life to 20 more years, I can completely understand why Todd decided that it’s better off for him to end his life.

Then Todd talks about how he tried to end his life. I started becoming more interested and used his experience as a simulation for what could happen if I go down the same path. Somehow he survives but he ended up being in the hospital for 30 days. During that time, he was really touched by all the people who visited him. Even when they failed to cheer him up, they kept showing up to be there for him. There was one woman in particular who showed up practically everyday. Then I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I were in the hospital recovering from a failed suicide attempt. I wouldn’t have anyone visiting me. Even if there were people who are there for me during that time, it’s only a temporary thing. Once I get out of the hospital, everything will be back to normal and I’ll be just as alone as I was before. In fact, that happened to Todd too to some degree. I’m amazed that he was able to survive the tough times after that. To know that people will show up and pretend to be there for me, but they can’t spare time for me when I need them most on lonely nights, that would kill me. Actually, I would be the one killing myself, but that would be the reason for it.

I had these feelings when I first listened to the podcast a few months ago. Before writing this entry, I listened to it again and the feelings are even stronger now. Back to the question of why I’m writing this suicide blog… it’s a very petty reason. I don’t want people to look down on me when I end my life. I want them to know it’s their fault. Fuck everyone who wasn’t there for me when I was alive. I’m not saying I deserve help just cause I’m crying for help like a baby with this blog. But if you read this and do nothing about it, when I die, don’t go spewing nonsense saying you don’t understand why I would do something like this. You never gave a shit when I was alive, so don’t pretend to give a shit after I die.