Tag Archives: gop debate

Welcome to the last GOP presidential debate of …eh, “tonight” is about all we can say for certain these days. UGH. Here’s a preview: Newt Gingrich will sneer at some minority and the audience will gnaw its fingers off with excitement, Mitt Romney will be asked to compare and contrast the feeling of wiping his ass with a fifty versus a hundred dollar bill, Rick Santorum will suckle his microphone, and oh yeah, probably Ron Paul will also be there as well to say, WARS ARE BAD, bless him. Here’s the video stream for those of you who are still sober enough to operate the keys on your computer, aren’t you the responsible ones. HERE WE GO! Read more on Liveblogging the LAST GOP Debate (Until the Next One, Which Is Soon)…

Does Newt Gingrich understand how threats work? He has worked himself into a lather over the part during last night’s GOP debate when moderator Brian Williams went all Mother Superior and instructed the Republican audience to hush for once in its life and wait for a commercial break to applaud, which meant that all of Newt’s usual smirking laugh lines about poors and minorities were met with a giant room full of awkward silence, AS THEY SHOULD BE. He therefore officially threatens to no longer participate in any future Republican debates if the audience is asked to behave itself. Which, REALLY? In that case, we’d say the media basically has a moral obligation to America to take him up on his offer. Read more on Gingrich Threatens to Shut Mouth If Media Does Thing He Hates Again…

We hear this is the “last” GOP debate of the year, but then again we also once believed Santa Claus was for real, so… who knows? What is for FACT is that we will be crawling into a closet to sob when this thing is over, because that is how we usually “come down” from these sorts of bad drug trips, and then maybe stay there for another four hundred years or however long it takes for anti-matter to finally win the universe-wide war on “existence.” Wouldn’t that be kind of cool, for once? Anyhow, that would require some “science” to happen, so… no luck tonight! Let’s gather round the ‘puter screens to watch Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich peck each other’s eyes out as Rick Perry forgets …what will be it this time? His last name, maybe? EXCITEMENT. Here we go! Read more on Liveblogging The GOP Idiots Debating How To Ruin Christmas, Forever…

NEW YORK—Have you been watching “Up” with Chris Hayes? You should be! It’s really, really wonderful. Though honestly kind of creepy? Because that man is smart. Freakishly so. As in: he does this weird thing where whenever one of his guests brings up some random new topic he’ll just recap it for everyone watching. Like, just off the top of his head? Without a teleprompter? And it’s crazy! Who let this man with a perfectly healthy frontal cortex on television?! It just makes no sense to us at all. But in any event, Sunday’s show featured a depressing reminder of the President’s remarks in 2009 that “it’s about letting scientists, like those who are here today, do their jobs free from manipulation or coercion and listening to what they tell us, even when it’s inconvenient, especially when it’s inconvenient,” two years before deciding it was too inconvenient teenage girls to have access to emergency contraception. Read more on Science Suddenly Inconvenient For Obama; Higgs Boson Leads Iowa Polls…

What’s this? Oh no, everyone grab hold of your weeping tissues this minute: Donald Trump is reportedly reconsidering his GOP debate comedy special after even Michele Bachmann suffered a rare fit of inspiration and declined the chance to be humiliated by one of her fellow cartoon characters. This leaves only Ol’ Frothy and Ol’ Flakey, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, to join Trump for the debate, but mechanically speaking a three-person circle jerk is just sort of difficult. Read more on Abandoned Loser Donald Trump To (Probably) Cancel His GOP Debate…

Did Michele Bachmann share a sexy classified scoop about attacks on Pakistan’s nukular sites during last night’s GOP debate? Is she already sharing a cell with Bradley Manning, in the one twist of fate that could possibly worsen America’s inhumane/unconstitutional torture of Manning? Read more on Michele Bachmann Maybe Leaked Hawt Top Secret Info On Pakistan…

Blathering reject Michele Bachmann showed off her fancy foreign policy knowledge at Saturday’s dull GOP debate by noting that the real capitalists over there in China don’t give out food stamps according to her expert sources (Space Lizard Jeebus), which is why they are kicking America’s socialist economy in the ass. Why can’t America be as capitalist as China? Read more on Michele Bachmann Is Completely Unaware That China Is Communist…

Here is the second-place “highlight” from last night’s debate, the part where known scumbag Herman Cain realizes he can’t actually sexually harass anyone on stage, so he settles for just saying something sexist and calls Nancy Pelosi “Princess Nancy” in the course of an incoherent rant about some irrelevant years-old health care legislation. Herman Cain, he sure knows how to charm the ladies! Read more on Relive Magic Sex Creep Herman Cain Calling Nancy Pelosi ‘Princess’…

OH JOY let us all gather round our dusty ‘puter screens with our booze supplies, since the Homeland Security Department decided to half-assedly nuke America’s television sets (not that we even own one these days), so that we may together witness the Xmas miracle of a bunch of screaming devil millionaire slobs argue over how to finally turn out the rest of the lights on the American economy, forever. And probably watch Herman Cain try to use a blunt machete to fight his way through a few awkward questions about his sex fetishes. Here we go! Read more on Liveblogging The ‘We All Hate Herman Cain Now’ GOP Debate…

Serial scumball Newt Gingrich and banal grifter idiot Herman Cain held some kind of “modified Lincoln Douglas style debate” Saturday night, which attracted exactly as much media attention as Newt Gingrich desperately blathering reasons why he deserves Herman Cain’s veep pick on a Saturday night as you’d expect. There was exactly one fun part, when Herman Cain was asked the world’s most incredibly basic question on whether he will keep Medicare (the current “defined benefits plan”) or destroy Medicare (Paul Ryan’s “premium support plan”). Herman Cain has no idea what any of that is, so he tries his usual tack of repeating a few of the words back for a few seconds and then just gives up and makes a weird “fatal server error” face. IS IT UR TURN ALREADY, NEWT?!?! Read more on Herman Cain Not Entirely Sure What This Medicare Thing Is…

We missed this part of CNN’s debate foreplay in Las Vegas last night while we were down in Zuccotti Park, but here is a fun video of CNN’s protester-mocking anchor Erin “Seriously” Burnett making tortured faces and struggling to concentrate as a band of heroic Occupy Las Vegas protesters cripple the audio feed with their loud chanting behind her. Really, it’s just as well for ratings — Americans do not really seem to like Erin Burnett all that much, but they sure do like the Occupy Wall Street movement, by a wide margin! Read more on #OWS Protesters Drown Out Idiot CNN Anchor In Las Vegas (VIDEO)…

This is the “highlight” of last night’s debate, some portion where wicked millionaire slobs Rick Perry and Mitt Romney start screaming at each other like a couple of drunk country club housewives after Rick Perry accuses Mittens of being in bed with his illegal Mexican gardener or something, which is Low Class. And then they start clawing at each other on stage while Mittens yells, “BAD FORM” over and over and then finally just calls Rick Perry a tart. Read more on Watch Evil Rich Republicans Brawl Over The Hired Help On National TV…

OH, is there is another CNN GOP debate 2NITE? It’s a “day,” probably, so YES, there is. The alcoholic beverage makers of America thank you, CNN! Everyone else thinks you are terrible. So, uh, Herman Cain will eat a delicious fried Mexican, Newt Gingrich will eat Wolf Blitzer, the fried Mexican will eat Rick Perry, and Mitt Romney will play the part of the plate of withered steamed brussel sprouts nobody wants to eat. Who will survive?! Odds are good you can watch it here. And now for a change, both your editors are down roaming Liberty Plaza like wild goats and will not be liveblogging, so, our dearest Wonketteers, we leave it to you to make your own fun, in the comments! Read more on GOP Debate #194,834 This Month: Choose Your Own Adventure!…

Rick Perry told a group of frat boys at Dartmouth after the GOP debate that America gained its independence from the bitchy Queen Elizabeth, thank God, right before the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor and forced Abraham Lincoln to invade France. Twitter absolutely loves Rick Perry’s revisionist history lesson, because it has learned something for once. [Twitter]
Read more on Rick Perry Glad About That Time America Did War On Queen Elizabeth…

ARE WE ARE AT WAR, ALREADY? Here is the JESUS WEEN, watching Herman Cain and Rick Perry preside over the flogging of Jesus-hater Nazi Pope common-sense rapist Mitt Romney while he sobs over the corpse of a spider, who is Michele Bachmann. It is a metaphor for all of American Capitalism. LET US CONTINUE watching these clueless fops debate one another about who is most qualified to return the United States to the glorious eternal night of the Middle Ages and plagues, to complete the cycle of history. PART TWO, HERE WE GO:
Read more on Liveblogging the ‘Oh Let’s Pretend We Like Herman Cain’ GOP Debate PART II…

Last night’s redundantly-named Tea Party Republican debate was many creepy things, but high among the list of bizarre and disturbing moments was a question Wolf Blitzer put to Ron Paul asking if a gravely ill man without health insurance should be allowed to die. Because, surely — oh, no, wait, hold on there, the audience has some instantaneous vile reaction to share first. The teabagger death panel sitting in the audience has reached an immediate ruling in favor of executing all of the uninsured, which they will express according to custom, in a chorus of guttural screams. Woah! That’s a lot of hate, even for teabaggers. Is it all for real? Read more on Relive the Magic: Watch Teabaggers Cry ‘Death’ To The Uninsured (VIDEO)…

CNN’s spambots have been trolling our inbox since approximately forever with their creepy propaganda for this ludicrously billed “First Ever Tea Party Republican Debate” war film starring rusty news studio camera tripod Wolf Blitzer, an event which is neither the first “Tea Party debate” nor even the first Republican debate in the last week. We VERY NEARLY just plagiarized your Wonkette’s feverish GOP debate liveblogging from last week, more or less in the name of human dignity, instead of watching Rick Perry and his squad of forgettable goons eat each other to death in, where, this time? Oh, right, Florida. But, eh, here we are, for freedom, instead of “reading a book” like all the other Monday night socialists are doing. (Hahahahaha, or not, books are illegal.) Here is the criminally dysfunctional CNN livestream for those of you following at home! Read more on Liveblogging CNN’s First Ever GOP Debate Copy-Paste From Last Week…

Tune in tonight as we liveblog, against our will, CNN’s very own amateur porn hour GOP debate edition of Wolf Blitzer trying to cop a feel off deranged hair monster Rick Perry! 8PM ET! Herman Cain will also sex 9/11, Michele Bachmann will sex the corpse of her own campaign, Rick Santorum will sex himself, Mitt Romney will sex the ghost of Tim Pawlenty, Ron Paul will just hope Rick Perry tries to sex his hand again, and everyone else will sex Wolf Blitzer after he gets in a few rounds with Perry. Hooray!
Read more on Liveblogging Some GOP Debate Rerun That Is Not Actually A Rerun, Tonight!…

WHO HAS ALREADY PASSED OUT from alcohol poisoning, or masturbation, or both together for those extra magical unicorn points? Are you still with us? Is anyone still left, in America? We are not here, we are ghosts. None of this is real. Ronald Reagan is just the star of your zombie porn collection and Rick Perry is the safe where you store your diamond-encrusted dildos that are also not real, because of diamonds just being cocaine smashed together between Rick Santorum’s ass cheeks, which are also fake. What the hell are we talking about? LIVEBLOGGING THIS THING STILL, AGAIN, ALWAYS, ETERNALLY, HOORAY: Read more on Liveblogging the GOP Reagan Zombie Death Match PART DEUX…

The drugged circuit boards in Michele Bachmann’s mental Windows Vista operating system ran some kind of analysis akin to a trapped fly trying to fight its way out of a jar of glue with net result computation that Barack Obama only wanted to schedule his originally-planned September 7 jobs speech at the same time as the California GOP debate so that no one would pay any attention to it. “Either a) he wants to distract the American people so they don’t watch him, or b) he doesn’t want the American people to hear what the next president of the United States is going to say,” Bachmann told a sparsely assembled gathering of nimrods in Iowa. See what she did there? In a normal “either/or” construction, the speaker is usually obligated to present two competing alternatives, but Michele’s analysis is so sound she figured she’d offer the same theory twice. “Either he doesn’t want anyone to watch, or he doesn’t want anyone to pay attention!” Read more on Michele Bachmann’s Analysis: Obama Hopes No One Watches Jobs Speech…

John Boehner wiped away his crocodile tears and is all sparkles ‘n coke smiles again! Barack Obama gave up faster than usual in the dimwitted 10-hour Washington smackdown over the Wednesday night time slot Obama requested for his jobs speech, the same time slot the GOP is using for its latest presidential debate. Boehner and the rest of the GOP stamped their feet and flung their wet diapers at the White House for a few hours until Dad threw up his hands, moved his speech to the following day and then typed an angry, helpless email to his spam mailing list to make sure everyone knows he’s “frustrated” and it’s not his fault. Sorry, Obama, parenting is hard work! Read more on John Boehner Tantrum Carries The Day, Obama Changes Jobs Speech Date…