10 hilarious tweets from comedy writer Sarah Beattie

What I love most about about the way Twitter superstar Sarah Beattie tells jokes is that she manages to be hilariously self-deprecating while still remaining fully of her own awesomeness. Because she is is indeed awesome. She’s smart, clever and completely gorgeous, but still not afraid to make fun of herself — total package, y’all!

Sarah is a comedy writer and “SNL” contributor who lives in Hawaii like some kind of hopeless layabout. And — fun fact! — she once had her hair stroked by the hand of none other than Kiefer Sutherland himself. Sarah tweets under the name @nachosarah, presumably because she’s really into cheese dips. Here are 10 of her greatest jokes.

[Note: Sarah adheres to the no-punctuation school of tweeting, which makes her seem super cool and off-the-cuff, but severely fucks with my obsessive-compulsive brain. Nevertheless, I did my best to remain faithful to the tweets, even though my whole body hurts now and it’s getting really hard to breath.]

10. I am absolutely terrified of smart people who aren’t depressed

9. I saw a chameleon today so I guess it was a pretty shitty chameleon

8. When my little niece cries I tell her one day a japanese businessman will pay her to do that

7. My kids can do as many drugs as they want as long as they never write any fucking poems

6. Did you know if you throw a baby at a random group of people someone will always catch it so far

5. Instead of getting married just say I won’t fuck other people and then have a party

4. Hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

3. So I guess a “morning person” is just someone who doesn’t drink

2. Hey ladies YOU HAVE HOLES CUT INTO YOUR EARS AND YOU HANG SHIT FROM THEM