Communicating with your teen shouldn’t be scary. I know it’s different than when they were little, but it isn’t as challenging as it might seem. I’ve been working on college campuses for the past fifteen years, and one of the most common questions I get asked is “how can I talk to my child about this stuff?” I always thought it was interesting that here I was, a person without kids (now I have two little ones) and they were asking me for advice, when they’d been parents for a long time already.

There’s a time and a place for everything. That time and place is called college. -JT Sohr

What I came to realize was that they really cared about the issues facing their semi-adult children and wanted to help, but they just didn’t have the tools. It was a whole new world – as they say, small kids, small problems – bigger kids, bigger problems. So, once I knew these parents really wanted to find ways to help their kids and be able to talk with them, I did my best to guide them.

One of the main things I’ve noticed as kids gets older is that parents have to find the right balance between giving kids their freedom to gain independence, and knowing when – and how – to get involved. When your kids were little, you were their primary caregiver. You were responsible for making sure everything went well in their lives and you saw to it and that things got done. You saw them every day, all the time, and were pretty much always in the know about what was going right or wrong in their world. They came to you with their issues and problems. Most kids wear their emotions on their sleeves and are willing to tell you – with unabashed truth – what’s bothering them.

I’m guessing you could usually solve these problems easily with a hug, a cookie and some encouraging words. And they thought you were awesome. As a mom now of a 6 and 4 year old, this is pretty much my world. And I love it. I enjoy how freely my kids talk to me, that I can surmise their problems pretty readily, and how easily they tell me when something is bothering them. I try my best to appreciate it because I know what’s coming.

Now it’s not necessarily a bad thing. As your kids get older, you can start to concentrate on having a more meaningful relationship. You can have deeper conversations, richer moments together. You won’t have to simply focus on the mundane tasks of daily life that you had to when they were younger and needed you for every little thing. Most parents I work with are excited to hear about their students’ lives and how things are changing for them and want to share their own experiences as well. But how do you make this shift positively and effectively?

Some basic tips for you should be doing in helping create a more mature, open, and meaningful relationship with your not so little kid include the following:

1) Set the stage for conversations: pick a good time and place to talk to them. Don’t do it on the fly, in the car, on your way to somewhere important, or when they are distracted by something (or someone) else. Plan for it. Let them know you’d like to carve out some time to chat so you’re both in the moment and can focus on the conversation.

2) Be a good listener: this sounds obvious, but the biggest complaint I hear about from students about their parents is “they don’t listen to me.” Be OK with silence. Let them talk. I know you have life experience you want to share with them, but let them ask you to share when they want that input.

3) Help your child change from “demand” thinking to “choice” thinking: If they are struggling with a problem, help them move away from looking at things as something they have to do, and help them see their choices in a situation. What do they have control over…?

4) Be a reality check: Don’t try to be their best friend by showing approval at every choice they make. Help them see how their choices are good ones, or maybe not so good, by helping guide them towards what is realistic for them. Don’t allow them to set goals that ultimately you know they cannot achieve. If something isn’t working for them, help them set new goals.

5) But encourage them: you can keep them realistic while still being their biggest cheerleader. Don’t always point out their failures. Show them you see what they are doing well, too.

6) Show Empathy: let them know you understand what they are telling you. Use reflecting listening tools by saying things like, “wow, sounds like this is really frustrating situation for you,” or “seems like your friend Sally really doesn’t understand you at all these days. That must hurt.” If you are unclear, ask for clarification. Try, “so, it sounds like when Sally told all your friends that secret you told her you were really angry at her and then she got angry back at you. Is that right?” Then ask them to tell you more…

2) Asking closed questions: if you ask questions that allow your kid to answer with one word, like “yes” or “no”, you won’t get very far into the conversation. Ask open ended questions that force your kid to talk. Instead of asking, “did you have a good day at school today?” ask “tell me about your day today.” I know it seems simple, but it really opens (or closes) the door to effective communication, and far richer conversations.

3) Denying/minimizing their issue: As parents, we don’t want to see our children suffer, so we have a tendency to say things “it’s not that bad,” or “don’t worry, it’s OK.” While our intentions are good, we are basically telling our kids that we don’t understand their problems and they will stop coming to us. Try to appreciate that while you might think the problem is small, it is huge to them in their current world view and treat it as such.

4) Advice giving: too much, too strong, too often. I know you want to! I do too… But it doesn’t help. Unless they’ve asked for your advice, mostly they want to be heard and understood. Try asking something like “do you just need to vent right now, or would you like some advice?”

5) Judgment: if your child is talking to you about an issue or problem, try your best not to judge them or their friends. If you do, there’s a good chance they won’t talk to you again about another problem.

So, these tips should help you in every day situations with normal adolescents, teenagers and college kids. The bottom line is you need to listen to them and show them you understand what they are telling you, and you hear what they are saying. You get it. Then ask, how can I help? But how do you know when their behavior is more concerning and you really need to talk with a professional?

Some major red flags include:

Major changes in behavior – sleep and eating patterns, mood changes, being quick to anger, etc.

Sudden disinterest in things they used to love

Sounding hopeless – saying things like “it doesn’t matter anyhow…”

Giving away prized possessions

Increase in substance abuse and/or risky behavior.

If you see any of these, I’d strongly encourage that you seek help from a professional to help. It is very important that you are able to tell when your teen needs outside help and get that help immediately. In situations where the teen’s problems have outgrown your expertise, enrollment in a drug rehab center might be your only option. While this is a difficult decision to make, an inpatient program provides help for teens struggling with addiction, as well as the depression, grief, trauma, and anxiety that often goes along with it. In the end, it is much better to ask for help now than to have regrets about your inaction in the future. Anothergreat place to start if you don’t have another option is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline: 1-800-273-TALK.

Guest post from Rebekah Schulze, the founder of Pathway College Consulting, has worked in higher education for over 14 years and is an expert on college life. Pathway’s mission is to help students and their families find the right “fit” for college, allowing students to maximize their success, while enjoying the application process by using a stress-free and fun approach.

She knows what it takes to succeed in college. She has extensive experience in Academic Advising, Academic Support Services, Disability Services, Residence Life, Judicial Affairs, and Orientation. She has worked at Washington University in St. Louis, Boston University, Dean College, Clark University, WPI, and Becker College. She holds a Bachelor of Arts Degree from Colby College, a Master’s Degree from New York University, and her Doctorate in Education from Boston University where her research focused on suicide prevention for college students. She is also on the Faculty at WPI and Becker College.

Rebekah lives in North Grafton, MA with her husband and their two children.

Teens like to act and sound like they don’t need you, but they sure do. If you keep open communication with them throughout their childhood and your kid has learned to trust you not to judge or overreact, it’s much easier to continue it into teen years. But it’s never too late to start. Teens need their parents and they want them to make the effort.L. E. Mastilock just posted…Perfect Valentine’s Gift for Dad and Canvas Print Giveaway

I’m far away from having a teen of my own, but I do remember what it was like to be one. This was great to read even for me because I know how important it is to start establishing that open and honest relationship and line of communication with your children at an early age.Sharisse just posted…28 Rainy Day Activities for Kids

I think you said it exactly right when you said, “parents have to find the right balance between giving kids their freedom to gain independence, and knowing when – and how – to get involved.” Too much independence can be horrible for them and yet too much control can be horrible too. I think communication is also key, as you said. They need to feel heard and they need to understand why you must sometimes overrule their decisions.Scarlet just posted…Valentine’s Day Fashion For Moms

As a mother of 3 teens, I have to say these tips are spot on! Even if your teen acts like and says they don’t need/want to talk, they really do. One other tip, if your teen is really reluctant to open up, try opening the conversation while you work on something together (e.g. baking) since the activity offers a small enough distraction and alleviates the need for excessive eye contact, which can help some teens relax enough to open up.

My parents weren’t at all open or good at talking with me, so I know when I reach this stage it will be difficult. In the meantime, I’m trying hard to set the stage for the future by listening and respecting my children.Crystal just posted…All About The Philippines

This is perfect. My daughter is 11, so she’s making her way toward teen years, which really is scary. However, I’ve always had such an open dialogue with her about EVERYTHING since she began talking, and I have confidence that she feels comfortable enough to tell me anything, no matter how difficult. I know I raised a great girl and yes, she will make mistakes, but she knows I will never judge her for them.

This is an amazing article and so, so helpful for where I am right now. Thank you so much for sharing it. I am definitely saving and sharing because there is a ton of great info here!Sandy Ramsey just posted…Word of the Day: Virus

People often ask me my most valuable parenting tip and just like you said…it’s probably loving and listening. I will admit that I have to learn the fine art of holding back my response sometimes (it doesn’t come naturally) but I am getting better. Most time our children just want us to hear them…not give advice! You will definitely master listening with more than one girl in the house! Thank you so much for visiting!Helicopter Mom and Just Plane Dad just posted…Fight Winter colds with V8 V-Fusion Refreshers

I’m the parent of a teen, and a pre-teen and I can tell you that a huge factor in being able to talk to your children, and having them feel like they can come to you is being able to talk to them about absolutely anything and leave your own embarrassment, and judgment aside. Create an environment where they can tell you absolutely anything–even that they have made a mistake, or screwed up big time–and rather than freaking out you’ll handle it calmly and rationally and have your own little freak-out later. Great post.Angela just posted…Ladies Only Blog Share: Celebrate The Little Things