So, it looks like viral vampires have overthrown dachshunds by a mere 5 per cent in the poll thus ending my undefeated status here at (un) Death-Match. To commemorate this moment, I made a video for David.

OK, I know it’s close. All day the polls have wavered by just a few percentage points between victory for dachshunds and victory for viral vampires.

It may be that desperate times call for desperate measures. But, really, David? The best you can come up with is that viral vampires are dachshund corpse jewelers? You just made sparkling vampires around the globe shake their heads at the state of bloodsucker affairs. For the record, I want you to run away, viral vampires. Not traipse around a runway with your messed up fashion statement.

As the talented Nic Boshart contends in a follow-up piece of MS Paint artwork, your creature of choice is suffering from a VIRUS. It makes a human ugly to look at but can’t spread to my dog.

FTW?

FTW? I think not.

Vote on the left for dachshunds!

Leave a pro-dachshund (or, if you must, pro-viral vampire) comment here to win prizes! You have until midnight ET.

Also, you’ll want to get your comments in to be entered into our contest for free stuff like these dachshund note cards and Justin Cronin’s The Passage. Just let us know why you think dachshunds or viral vampires should win. Closes at midnight ET.

Barring a viral outbreak of Justin Cronin vampire proportions, humans face the very real fears of things like terrorist organizations, youth crime, biker gangs, etc. So, it came as no surprise to me when I read about a student throwing a puppy at a group of Hells Angels. Why? Well, how much money do you want to bet it was a dachshund?

As I’ve mentioned already, dachshunds have a long and distinguished history of hunting to take down specific prey.

A double-barreled shotgun & dachshund

What I’m about to share with you in classified information, people. Recently, when the Dachshund U.N. convened they weren’t just talking about the “Eradication of Hot Dog Costumes for the Advancement of Dachshund Dignity.”

A sign of hope for dogs and mankind

No, they were talking about “Special Ops and Tactics in Preparation for Saving Dachshund’s BFF (a.k.a. Humankind).” Discussions included, but were not limited to, an overview of Surface-to-Air-Dachshund (S.T.A.D.) technology and aerial hunting capabilities.

In fact, these little canines are considered so dangerous, that these signs have been seen:

Dachshund Free Zone

Finally, viral vampires have hearts, too. Nowhere have I read of one being able to take down a face like this:

❤ melts...

Remember to leave a comment on any of the dacshund vs. viral vampire blog posts for a chance to win very! cool! prizes! Also, go vote for the four-legged on the left side of this page.

My esteemed colleague here at (un) Death-Match has argued eloquently on the matter of viral vampires vs. dachshunds. I will grant him my four-legged friends are the underdogs in this round. May I remind anyone who believes this is a situation that marks the demise of the dachshund in these proceedings that other underdogs have come out on top in the past:

Nobody expected Cujo to keep that family stuck in their car for three days.

Nobody expected Snoopy to be capable of shooting down the Red Baron thus ending the First World War.

As anyone who has a dachshund in their life can attest, these little dogs may look funny compared to other dogs, but they should not be under-estimated. You know, the very way that a certain someone here has done.

Believe it or not, dachshunds were bred as hunting dogs. Their very name instills fear in their prey. And we’re not just talking rats. No, dachs in German refers to badgers, the vampires of the animal kingdom. And that “half a dog tall, two dogs long” shape has a distinct purpose. One that could be easily re-purposed for taking down not just Bunnicula but also viral vampires.

It may be easy to laugh at their little bodies, but other foe have done so…to their demise.

Remember, friends of dachshunds, vote for the four-legged at the top left of this page.

And don’t forget that we’re running a contest during this mini-round. Best comments for pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire will win cool stuff.

My friends on this blog are scared to read both after dark. Why? Because of the viral vampires contained within the pages of the above.

To that I say, in the eloquent words of Deanna: pffft.

So, in a mini (un) Death-Match round, David S. Ward will be defending these so-called menaces. I’m putting aside werewolves this round to contend that there is another creature, dear to my heart, that could open up a can of Whoop Ass™ on these new fiends: dachshunds.

That’s right. Because after having recovered recently from another virus called conjunctivitis or, in laymen’s terms, pinkeye I’m pretty sure my four-legged friend is fiercer.

So there you have it. Voting is now open. Cast your vote in the poll on the upper left side of the page (for dachshund, of course).

Oh, and we’re offering prizes! Best pro-dachshund and pro-viral vampire comments throughout the round will win stuff. So go comment below or on any of the other upcoming posts in this round.

Over a month ago we asked for your pitches for supernatural and undead creatures to join our league.

For the next two weeks, we’re putting out a final call before we go to a vote. And because we like us some contests, we’re giving away an amazing collection of books, the likes of which you will probably only ever see on a site such as this. That is how awesome this prize package is. Three lucky winners will walk away with the following titles:

What do you need to do to enter? Simply leave a comment here or tweet using the #undeathmatch hashtag and let us know what creature you’d like to see going head-to-head here on the site. If you’ve got a book in mind to go with said creature, all the better.

Remember, you have to login using your e-mail so we can contact you or follow us on Twitter so we can DM you.

Contest closes on Friday April 24 at midnight ET. Winners will be chosen randomly. Then we go to a vote to see who’s up next in our ghoulish throw down.

[This next pitch comes from a Digital Marketing Associate at Simon & Schuster Canada. Due to her job, she’s been reading a lot of YA paranormal fiction like Becca Fitzpatrick’s Hush Hush, Lisa McMann’s Wake trilogy, and Rick Yancey’s The Monstrumologist. Her long-standing favourite, Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, will always remain close to her heart.]

Wanna go for a ride?

By Beth Martin

Unicorns are goodness and light, rare beasts that prance on rainbows and dance in moonlight. But it’s said that for all light there is dark, all good there is evil, and lurking in the Unicorn’s shadow is the murderous Kelpie.

Sometimes known as “water horses” these malevolent water spirits disguise themselves as ponies or horses – pitch black, white, or glassy green – and wait in the still water of a lake or river, watching for a victim.

If spotted, refrain from approaching this water pony, and don’t dare think of mounting it, for once you do, you will find yourself unable to escape as it gallops under the waves.

Kelpies can also appear as people, women usually, to lure men to their untimely underwater death.

The kelpie is a shapeshifter, and while it may not have the claws and teeth of a werewolf, it has cunning and unmatched beauty. What werewolf, in human form, could resist a ride?

[Alright, alright, while technically not completely within the scope of our guidelines, we had to accept this pitch. Eric lives behind his keyboard in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia. He loves most things geek, his favorite fantasy author is Terry Pratchett and his favorite beer is beer. He would be very good at doing things if only he was any good at doing. Check him out on Twitter @webstravaganza.]

“Igor had to admit it. When it came to getting weird things done, sane beat mad hands down.” — Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

By Eric Lortie

Everyone loves an underdog. And why not? It’s nice to see people beat the odds, or at the very least come out swinging when they have no real hope of succeeding. Take mad scientists or vampires, for example. At their height of their power they’re unstoppable. But towards the end of things, when there’s an angry mob with torches and pitchforks headed their way, narrative causality insists that once they reach this point they’re pretty much doomed.

But what about the people who serve these poor, doomed madmen? What about the servant to the underdog? You’d think they’d rank pretty low on the totem pole of survival. What about the Igors? Every megalomaniacal nutjob with a castle and an affinity for lightning must have one. And at the end of the day, when the mad scientist falls out of a window, or when the vampire is a pile of ill-prepared dust, do you ever see any dead Igors laying around? Certainly not. For a race of creatures with limps and lisps, they can also be quite sneaky when needed. How many times has a vampire, exceptionally supernatural creatures of the night that they are, been caught unaware by calling for his or her Igor only to hear “Yeth marthter?” from directly behind them?

Igors are very durable. They know their way around a graveyard and a sewing kit. Many of them go so far as to install backup organs because: “One never knowth what thorths of troubleths one will find themthelves in.”

The Igors, like all good servants, live by a code. An Igor has never been quoted as saying: “Where am I going to find a brain at thith time of night?” But their servitude only goes so far. When the aforementioned mob is coming across the drawbridge and The Master is lamenting his woes at living in a world that wants them dead, this is the moment when an Igor will always be found silently limping away and muttering: “We belong dead? Excuthe me? Where doeth it thay ‘we’?”

Igors have limitless advantages over the remainder of the undead. Not strong enough? That lumberjack just died, he had huge muscles! Problem solved. But it’s their minds, really, that put them ahead of everyone else in the game. In a world of lightning rods and windmills, they’re working on genetic engineering. (It involves really tiny stitches). Their ability to sneak up on vampires when summoned puts them leagues ahead of your garden variety supernatural ninja.

Finally, and most importantly, they are legion. In countries where you can’t spit without hitting a spooky castle, everyone employs an Igor. And with the exception of the scars, they all pretty much look alike. So how many Igors exist? No one knows, except the Igors. And they’re certainly not going to tell you. Every Igor is the son of an Igor, brother to many Igors and cousin to more Igors than they can remember without checking their diary.

Why change a winning formula?

Help us settle an ancient dispute (and some old scores) with your pitch