Tagarchief: giving birth

I was listening to the life Review of Real Forgiveness versus Feel Good Forgiveness and while listening, also looking at a point within myself that I have been walking for years. In the interview is mentioned how the self-forgiveness is not neccessarily or eventually giving a ‘good feeling’ about something that has been taken responsibility for, as one still has to live with the fact what one has accepted and allowed and created as consequence.

In the days before, I was looking into the fact that I had brought myself into the situation that lead up to making the decision to have an abortion (I have made a serie records about it as well as written related blogs) and I found that there were still experiences coming up of a deep regret of not having the possibility to give birth to a child in this life. I felt myself going deeper into my body, into the area where the ovaria are located and here I could release again a deeper dimension of the experience of regret, related to the abortion, up to the point of finding myself in a stability within this, of living with this situation, this decision and experience. So, I did not ‘feel better’ with it and that is what I saw for years and years; that I still do not ‘feel good’ with this situation that I needed to make a decision in (keeping the child or not). But, I did come to a point of stability in it, deep within myself.

However, during the listening of the interview, there was mentioned that the gift of such things, is that we will never, ever accept and allow something like this again within ourselves and so for others as well. And here I was looking, then what is the point in this that I will not accept and allow again within myself?

I somehow was still, on a very subtile level, allowing myself to not stand absolute and take absolute responsibility for the creation of the situation that brings forward the need to make a decision of an abortion (or not). And here I noticed that an abortion in itself, does have an impact. It is a decision that one would rather not come to stand for; meaning, better prevent oneself to ever have to make such decision. I was still busy justifying how an abortion – if and when needed – does not have to be ‘such big deal’, if one is certain and clear in it or, that one could have problems with it because one would rather had kept the child but circomstances were not certain enough to give birth to a child and so this friction is then giving the ‘problems’ or inner conflict.

I did miss the point that, the decision to an abortion, is a decision about life, about giving life or not. Once the life is settled within the body and starts growing, no matter on what stage, it is ‘in motion’ and one is very much experiencing this movement, this life-force. Well, that is, I realize now, how I have experienced it.

So from here, making a decision to let it grow or take it away, is not an easy decision, even if one is certain and sure about what way to walk. This is something that I never really understood, as it was only approached from a morality point of ‘being against abortion’ for example for religion reasons or ethical reasons. I now see where this ‘reasons’ and morality comes from: the fruit is a life-force that has started growing within a body and stopping this force, is also asking for a ‘forcing’ in a way, which is then a forcing ‘against life’ or ‘against this movement of life developping on a physical level’.

Here to be very clear that I am not labeling an abortion as ‘good or bad’, but more seeing it for what it is in essence.

If I look at the concept from this starting-point, it is something to be much more carefull with, also for myself. Because, me, forcing the stopping of this life growing within me, has brought me to a form stagnation of the life-ex[ression within and as myself. Because I did not see the totality and impact of what was happening within and as me and what I had brought myself into and because I created conflict within and as myself.

Let’s have a look at the situation in general, now from a point where I am 44 years:

I have not yet been in the position of creating a stable relationship and/or stability within and as myself where in I could say, yes, I and we are ready to take the responsibility for giving birth to a child. Only now I can say that I find myself stable enough to take this responsibility but, only within a relationship for a year that is not really stable at the moment and from which I say, this relationship needs about 6 years more to stabilize before I could call it a ‘stable foundation’ for a new life to grow into. So, for me, to have the stable foundation that I would self-honestly want to bring in for a child to grow up in, I would be about 50 years old. Only then, I could start with a pregnancy, which is obviously not possible from a physical/biological point of view. So, looking at my life, I can say that there had not been the ideal circomstances and possibility to get pregnant and give birth to a child in a responsible way.

I must have known and felt this already back then, without having the tools to change myself fast enough in this (fast enough meaning, before my fertile years are over) and so, what I started doing, was ‘forcing’ it a bit through creating situations where I was not really and 100% careful to prevent a pregnancy happen. So that I then had created a situation where in ‘I could not do different’ and would fulfill the pregnancy, simply because it was ‘already here’.

However, when this did happen – I created this situation for myself – my self-honesty and responsibility did kick in, in some way and I had placed myself in a situation of choosing between two ‘not ideal’ situations: an abortion or giving birth to a child within a situation that was not how I self-honestly, would want it to be. I have choosen the first: abortion. And this, is something that I underestimated the impact from.

I even saw now, when 44 and almost within a stage of the impossibility to become pregnant, how I again, in a very subtile way, did not take fully responsibility for the prevention of a pregnancy. Within this, I did see in what state I bring myself in for days, within creating this ‘uncertainty’ within myself (like ‘oh my, what if I am pregnant?’ and from here all the feelings and emotions generating) and then, what consequences it would have on my life but on the life of my partner as well, who I agreed with that we are not going to get any children (due to our living situation in general and my age). And only by now, after listening to this interview, I realized that I still did not fully take the responsibility for the fact that I do not have children during my life here in earth and that there was actually not really and not ever, a stable enough situation to become pregnant.

This is basicely the thing that I needed to take responsibility for, already when I was 27 and this ‘desire’ or wish came up. And who knows how things would have enfolded with this, from a starting-point of self-honesty, self-responsibility and with common sense. But by avoiding this, I created a lot of turmoil, regret and pain within myself and within others as well by accepting and allowing a pregnancy that I found I needed to break down, against my deep wish to keep the child.

So, from here, I will take the full responsibility to be aware and careful, also on a subtile level, with regards to the prevention of a pregnancy, no matter how small the chances are at my age and I will take the full responsibility for the process that I have walked with regards to giving birth to a child or not during this lifetime on earth, including the decision of an abortion. Within this I hope to bring this responsibility into the world as something that we all need to stand in and as: to only start with the responsibility of giving birth to a child and guiding it to grow up, if we are really and fully ready for this. This in itself, will bring a huge change in this world for our children to come and also as a solution for the over-population that may exist.

I am not saying this from a point of morality or judgement, as I see clearly how far I – and so many of us – are lost in this biological reproduction cycle. So I know as no other how hard it can be to stand up in this for, within and as oneself.

So, not to state that abortion is now something that we can not use when and as needed – as it can be a solution that is best in a certain moment and situation, it all depends on the context and all dimensions involved – but more as something to be much more careful with and really see it for what it is, without morality and judgement, but from a starting-point as what is best for all and from a starting-point of seeing the impact of stopping the life-force growing and developing.

In a way, I have ‘aborted’ myself as life way too much, in so many aspects deep within myself and this is waiting for myself to open up and this was already waiting for myself to open up way back, before I created this conflictual situation at the age of 27.

Let’s support each other in the challenging process to birth ourselves as life from the physical so that we eventually will be able to prevent so many conflictual situations as consequences, within and without ourselves.

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play Russian Roulette and in this way, ‘let Nature decide’ instead of making a grounded decision after considering all dimensions within and without myself that are involved in the act of having intercourse while having a biological clock ticking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to walk a ‘Russian roulette’ as physical consequenses to be able to stand up and forgive/correct myself from a situation in the past that I had not walked within self-awareness, instead of having the tools and being able to forgive myself within writing and speaking and so, preventimng myself from walking consequenses in and as this physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the creation of physical consequences and wanting myself as how I see I could be and walk within my potential, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the mind-programming has been physically manifested and integrated within and as myself and within and as this physical existence and so, it takes a physical process to walk through and eventually stand up in and as myself, while walking through the consequences, to come to a point of self-responsibility, within and as self-awareness and self-understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not yet being able to live as how I imagine I could within my utmost potential, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I look from a mind-perspective to myself as ‘how I could be’, instead of seeing how I am within the reality of this moment and from here, support myself to take responsibility for myself in those area’s and dimensions that I see that need alignment to a more considering approach of myself (and/as others) as life as a whole.

When and as I see myself tending to ‘let Nature decide’ as not taking direction of a situation to make a decision in, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am allowing myself to let myself being influenced by a desire that I have not yet investigated within and as myself and so, that I have not yet taken responsibility for.

I commit myself to find out what desire makes that I tend to let something or someone outside myself decide what will happen within myself or my life, in area’s that I actually do have a say in and from here, forgive myself the related emotion or feeling within the desire, to take of the load so to speak and from here, take responsibility by taking the time to consider all dimensions within and as myself that I am having access to in that moment, before making life-changing steps or decisions.

When and as I see myself fearing and/or judging physical consequences, I stop and breathe.

I realize that the fear I experience consist of a judgement, as giving more or less value to something, more or less than seeing and understanding it for what it is.

I commit myself to embrace physical consequences when and as they are here and to use them to align myself to the living of my potential in consideration of myself and others, connected in and as life, within the application of self-forgiveness and self-correction and while doing this, standing up and learning to direct – myself as well as the situation that I am involved in – to an outcome that is best for all and within the capacity of my own body, being and mind.

I commit myself to while doing so and ‘walking back’, meaning walking through my own mind-creations, to take responsibility for what I have created and within this, ensure to support myself and/as others as well, to eventually prevent creating unneccessary consequences again.

When and as I see myself judging myself (or/as another) for not yet living my that what I see that I am capable of as my utmost potential, to stop and breathe.

I realize that I look from a mind-perspective to myself (and/or others) and from here, create an idea of how I could be, instead of seeing who I am in the reality of the moment.

I commit myself to be and become self-honest with who I am in the reality of the moment and from here, take responsibility for the flaws through the application of self-forgiveness and then correct myself as aligning myself to a more considering approach of life as a whole.

Bernard Poolman:

“Engage the problem to understand the problem. Place yourself in all positions to gain a multi dimensional understanding. Observe where you have an interest you want to protect and why you want to protect it and justify your position. For instance – with money – place yourself with little money having to buy food and educate your children, then increase the money and see how your choices change –and then have a lot and see how you change – and then have equal money –enough for all and see why it is you are unable to give to others, yet you want for yourself – why this need to be better exist when it is not based in reality, but rather in an obsession to judge others, in an obsessive idea of inequality that makes you fear others will abuse you if there is equality – then find it in you to correct yourself to transcend the fears that you use to justify inequality –remembering the various conditions you have experienced through your imagination –now you have learned an effective way to use imagination—to understand how others live, without you having to go through it directly –make this experience valuable by changing that within you that cause others to suffer and then you will experience enlightenment and the world will become a better place when you make sure your experience that you integrate of a world where all have enough, becomes the world system in education, economics, education, politics, healthcare –we all have the capacity to teach ourselves –once we have removed our own justifications and fear of others as equals”

The self-forgiveness are written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start an insemination process from a starting-point of desire to be/become pregnant and from here, being willing to throw myself into the deep, without really considering my hesitations of my willingness to really walk with a child growing up in this world as how it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to look beyond my desire to be/become pregnant and just look so far, trying to fulfill the desire and from here, the desire to ‘throw myself into the deep’ so to speak, meaning to force myself into a situation that I then cannot step back from and so to force myself into facing the difficulties within/as myself that I am seemingly not willing to take on if and when not absolutely necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only take on the real challenges within and as myself if and when there is no other possibility left, as how the mind functions and as how we have set up this world up to a point of destruction before we – as humanity – are willing to face ourselves and take respnsibility for ourselves and our creation and from here, change the approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it more difficult for myself by waiting for this last point to happen, instead of actively investigating that what I sense somewhere within me as a misalignment that I need to open up and take responsibility for by firstly looking at it within self-honesty and from here, using the application of self-forgiveness to face my own darkness and stand up within and stop blaming myself back into a state of powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lazy to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me that I am not aligned with and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to open up the points that I sense somewhere within me, as fearing to loose the experience that this suppressed belief is giving me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fearing the loss of an experience within me to fearing to loose something or someone without me and within this, start and keep on projecting my experiences on this something or someone without me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thinks and believe that I can really loose something or someone, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only let go (means forgive) the energetic created experiences within myself that I have connected to something or someone without myself and from here, knowing that I give myself the opportunity to emerge from, within and as myself, standing more in equality and oneness with and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my motivation to ‘become alive’ that I somewhere sense deep within me, towards and into a desire to inseminate me with the seed of a male to be able to become pregnant and give birth to the life of a child as another being, to from here force myself to stand within the points that I see that I am not yet standing in and as, in and as the potential that I see/sense within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be at ease in this week of insemination because of being able to stand within myself in peace within trying to fulfil that what I would like for myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be at ease and so reactive in other moments/weeks, to my partner as well as to others, when and as I feel like not being busy with trying to fulfill that what I would like for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fulfil myself with experiences of something or someone without myself as to ‘inseminate’ myself and my physical body with something external.

When and as I feel lazy or tired to start writing and opening up some dimensions within me that I do not yet have a sight on, I stop and breathe.

I realize that within the writing, I will get more sight on myself in this dimensions that will support me in moments to come to be/become less tired or lazy, as the mind needs physical energy to suppress or keep generating energy from points/energetic experiences within me.

I realize that I can write in short time-frames, as for example 15 minutes, to release some energy within the writing of self-forgiveness and if I postpone, points will go under again within some kind of suppression and through distraction, within and as myself.

I commit myself to write in a document to open up some dimensions that I sense within me and do not yet have sight on, for 15 minutes three times a week (extra upon the activities that I am taking on already).

When and as I see that I am not satisfied and at ease with myself in the interaction with another, I stop and breathe.

I realize that I am not expressing myself or do not have expressed myself as how I would like to, coming out of a fear of experiencing myself very uncomfortable within a certain moment with all kind of subtile experiences coming up and from here, I start becoming ‘uneasy’ for myself and for another as well, as more reactive to what another is bringing forward.

I realize that this is a build up pattern through the years and so, it will take time to walk through the layers that I have created within me that prevent me from expressing myself and bring myself to a ‘living expression’ so to speak.

I commit myself to become more sensible to and for myself within moments of interaction with another and to see what comes up within me as a reaction that I name and forgive myself for (for example within this 15 minutes writing) and to see (if I am already able to) what I actually would like to express but not doing out of fear of not being understood or not being able to bring forward what I mean and from here, see how to support myself to do express some more of/as myself, rather from a point of self-movement than only as a respond with a (subtile or hidden) dimension of ‘reaction’ to what another is bringing forward.

When and as I notice a fear of loss within me, I stop and breathe.

I realize that there are many dimensions involved in ‘fear of loss’ projected on something or someone without me, that I need to walk through within writing and the application of self-forgiveness of all kind of experiences coming up to open it up for myself.

I commit myself to within the writing, take on layer by layer and experience by experience that I see coming up within me in certain moments where in I use the moments of reaction as a moment of introspection, meaning that I bring the experience back to myself and name and forgive myself for what I find, as well as forgiving myself for/when/as I go into reaction, to enable myself to eventually prevent this happening and from here, finding my self-direction and self-expression as a more supportive and constructive way to communicate, as well for myself as for another.

The self-forgiveness are partly written as if it is happening in current time, however it are self-forgiveness on a pattern that I am reflecting back on and now taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose my stability in behalf of fertility as how I am interpreting and living this and within this, loose myself so to speak within thoughts and emotions and compromise myself in activities as a way of trying to ‘live’ the thoughts and ‘test it out’ and so trying to come into calmness again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I miss out on something if I do not follow my mind and thoughts within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should follow my thoughts and live it out so that I will not have missed anything, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I miss myself within blindly believing and following thoughts and ideas that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know another way of keeping myself stable than through living it out and through in physicakl reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in comparison with others who are creating a family and within this comparison, loosing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/have felt so lost and unhappy within this comparison where I could not live up towards that what I compared myself with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up towards an idea of my myself in/as my own mind an if I will not be able to ‘reach’ this, feeling like I fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose myself as life completely within an attempt of reaching a goal of giving life to another as in giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that giving live/birth to child, will make me stand up within and as myself, instead of standing up within myself and taking responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and emotions in every situation that I am in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, actually ‘wait’ with standing up until a situation will force me to do so as I expect in a situation as giving birth to a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become blanko and tired while writing these self-forgiveness and start thinking ‘on the background’ that it is unclear and of no use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to walk the same as the group of friends is doing because they partly walk what I want and at the same time, not want this completely and so, creating a polarity within this and around it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be comfortable with myself and find some ‘sense’ within my own life and living when I am alone and within nature and as soon as I start interact with ‘friends’ who are within a relationship and getting children, start comparing myself and loosing who I am within and coming home unhappy and dead-tired.

When and as I see myself participating in comparison while being in interaction with others, I stop and breathe. I realize that it does not make sense to compare myself to another and that I do not see a whole picture of what another is actually going through as every one has challenges to walk that are ‘of weight’ for each one. I commit myself to see the trigger-point as a thought within myself that activated the comparison and to stop and forgive this thought/judgement/fear to take of it’s grip of myself. I commit myself to focus on that what I walk within my life and to stop focussing on that what I not walk.

When and as I feel like I miss out on something, I stop and breathe. I realize that within my mind, I think and believe that I should have something or, I realize that I am actually able to do something or stand up for something that I am not yet doing or haven’t done and so, I commit myself to investigate the source of the experience of missing out on something, to forgive ideas and experiences and to look for that what I would like to live and bring into expression.

When and as see myself trying to live up on something that I think I should be able to, I stop and breathe. I realize that here again, I think and believe that I should be able to do something or, that I am not yet doing something (or did not have done something) that I am actually able and willing to bring into expression and so, I commit myself to bring myself into expression within small steps, slowly and day by day without forcing myself with thoughts and ideas about myself in what I should be able to in/as my own mind but more from a starting-point of practical investication of the possibilities within my physical reality and within the physical abilities of myself and so, work with what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as ‘too intimate’ to speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe ‘one does not talk about these things’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the process that I have walked as a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame about compromising myself in the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear of being nailed to the pillory when and as I openly speak about the process that I have walked with regards to the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find it ridiculous to talk about and think ‘why should I share this, it doesn’t matter so much’, while at the same time I see that it does matter, that for me it is a way of support to open up and walk through the details and points to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I share is so ‘child-like’ and that there are more important things to share and that ‘others are sharing more interesting processes’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share because I notice within myself that there are some energies related in and as the mind and I don’t want to share from the mind in and as energy, I want to share as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still feel some emotion coming up at the end when I listen to myself speaking that it is not really possible anymore to bear a healthy child (because the period of fertility is at it’s ending) where in I do not even would define it as ‘sadness’ but more as a ‘loss’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret for not having been able to full-term a pregnancy and give birth to a child – for not having the tools for self-support and being able to effectively support myself while I was in the years of fertility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I have walked is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could have done better.

When and as I see myself participating in a thought as belief of something being ridiculous or not important to share, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am participating in a sabotage pattern within myself that I better not participate in as this is preventing me from sharing anything from and as myself. I realize that within the small, there is an opportunity to transcent because, we start creating ourselves and our lives from the small. I realize that I cannot directly share from myself as a being, as first I need to walk through the mind and take responsibility for the energies coming from thoughts, feelings and emotions within me and so, while walking and sharing, I will slowly see myself coming through as me as directing this process. I commit myself to walk through all the records and apply self-forgiveness on the energies coming up and coming through and from here, use it as self-support to stop the related separation within and as myself and coming more towards and into expression as myself.

When and as I see myself going into a thinking of it not being good enough what I have walked, I stop and breathe. I realize that everything that I walk is ‘good enough’ as it is how it is and that it is not so much the outcome that determines who I am but what matters, is who I am within and how I take responsibility for myself in it within the small aspects. I commit myself to walk with what is here within and as myself and take responsibility for who I am within what I walk, from the small to the big.

When and as I notice an experience of something being ‘too intimate to share’ within me, I stop and breathe. I realize that we are not used to openly share about what is really going on within ourselves and I realize as well that what I share in relation to the years of fertility and the process that I have walked, is something that many women can to some degree relate to and as well for men, it can be supportive to better understand what the women may go through and so, it is a very common thing to speak about that may be of support as well for others who are also experiencing it as ‘too intimate’ to share or speak about.

When and as I experience a regret of not having been able to effectively support myself while being in my fertile years, I stop and breathe. I realize that this is the reality of what we as humanity have accepted and allowed on earth and within and as ourselves to exist and create and so, I as well walk through less fortunate situations and experiences that are and were not optimum and that this is for myself to take responsibility for as a point to take on, for myself as well as for life as a whole and that it is about me standing within principle, no matter what happens. I commit myself to take responsibility for the parts in me and my life that were not so fortunate, to forgive myself and make peace with it and see how to put myself as point of support in this for myself and others and I commit myself to investigate how the experience of ‘loss’ is related to not being able to bear a healthy child anymore with regards to being at the end of the years of fertility and to take responsibility for it within this serie of blogs.

I commit myself to keep practising and sharing about the simple, daily points that we are all facing within ourselves during our lives, maybe in different ways but in essence the same.

I have made a serie om soundcloud where in I describe what I have walked with regards to the period of my (physical/biological) fertility. It did become 29 tracks, all with a length around five minutes. It is really a serie as they go from one to another and sometimes referring to each other. I have created a playlist where the records are placed in a row and following up on each other. The tracks are numbered and easy to listen one by one but to place it in context, one need to listen to the whole serie.

For each track, I will write a blog where in I place the self-forgiveness on the points that I describe in the record and so, walking through time and taking responsibility for that what I may not yet have brought back to self. So the tracks will pass by again, one by one.

The motivation to create this serie is for myself to walk through and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed within myself and in my actions and for the emotional and feeling attachements (if not already done). While doing so, I will place it within myself as a period of learning and understanding.

Another motivation is the sharing, because during that time, I would have appreciated to hear about such journeys, as support for myself. So that it may be of support for at least one other person who is experiencing a more troubling time during the years of fertility and/or while reflecting back on it; but also for everyone to expand in awareness and consideration of what is involved within our ‘hormonal system’ that seems so natural.

It is a personal sharing with the (main) aspects described as they are, where in I explain my point of motivation during that time, together with my view and perspective on it now. It may be a bit slow or messy sometimes where I search for words and ways to describe what I have walked and what I see within me, especially in the beginning tracks as I just started here with making records and English is not my mother language. However, when listening to the serie, the essence should come through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself lead by the eggleaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the eggleaders for about 10 years, feeling as I had/have to use this, that I had to give birth to a child, just because this is a possibility and just because out of fear of missing something if I would not step into this opportunity, and for this, being busy for over 10 years with the cycle of menstruation and ovulation and finding a man and finding other opportinities to ‘give birth to a child’, where at the same time, I do not want to step into the system as how it is set up in this world with a child; where at the same time I fear being swallowed by the constrictions of living in this system, and at the same time experiencing how I already am constricted in and as a system within me that I could not escape by giving birth but what would give me the push to stand up in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give birth to a child as seeing this as the only possibility to stand up in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt so inferior of not giving birth to a child while the whole world seems to turn around this one point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my whole world turn around this one point of giving birth to a child, where in I saw/see at the same time that it was this ‘birthing’ that I was looking for, and not especially the ‘taking care of a child’ within the system in society as it exists at the moment, and so I was/am always devided in this point, which took me more than 10 years to investigate and walk through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devide myself by the polarity in/as the mind, instead of living in/as the moment as what is here to be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I had the chance to step into a relationship with opportunity to have a child, to not step in, as it felt/feels like this is not it, this is not what and how I want it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused by what I want and what self-will is, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that I am not confused, I am just not wanting to step into and as the movement of self-will as a final decision as a commitment, as within this, there is no way back, no backdoor existing anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I want to have a backdoor existing in/as the mind, to leave all doors open, just ‘in case of’, just for ‘you never know’, so that I can always step back when it seems like I made the wrong decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have been scared for a post-natal depression when and if I would get pregnant because there was some in this desire to give birth to a child that was not self-honest, as it was always about ‘being pregnant and giving birth’ and never about walking with a child to guide in this society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that giving birth to a child would give me the strength to stand up, as within this there is no choise left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel some regret of not having an oppoprtunity to in this life living a life of a family, living in nature, walking in partnership with a child, in a world that is carefull.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that living my full potential is not existing in taking care of a child perse, but more using this as an excuse to not live everything I see in this world for a long time already and stand up in this to make other people aware of the need to change, as when having a child to ‘raise’, I would be occupied with taking care of this one human, which gives little space to play a part in the education of humanity as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am not able to walk both, as there is no time for this with regards to my age and with regards to the situation the world is existing in and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my lead away to men as there is a men needed for giving birth to a child, and because of the age-limit in this, feeling rushed and pushy towards men.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have seen men as something I needed to give birth to a child, when at the same time seeing that I was not ready, not able to walk a partnership in and as a real support and so not ready to give birth to a child, but because of the feeling like ‘there is no time’ and ‘missing a chance’ and ‘needing to do this’, I have pushed it many times, and within this manipulated myself and the male by/in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and/as the male in/as the mind for having a partnership soon because of a time issue lead by the eggleaders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use giving birth to a child as a way to give birth to myself, which is exactly the thing that I was so sick of what I have been used for, and because I was aware of this, I could, despite all my attempts to find a solution to get pregnant, I did none of them push through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand certain in my awareness of not willing to give birth to a child when I am not standing in and as myself and within this abusing and limiting the child in it’s expression, and instead of this, I let myself distract by/in/as the mind, lead by the eggleaders, making myself feeling miserable and ineffective and within this creating a lot of confusing within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself miserable and ineffective, manifested on a physical level, by letting myself distract by/in/as the mind, lead by the eggleaders in/as dissatisfaction of my daily reality, which I made uncomfortable by myself, participating in and as this distraction and within this, manipulating, constricting, confusing and breaking down myself and my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself manipulate by the system of reproduction, instead of leading myself here in every moment, breath by breath, seeing what is best and based on self-will and walking/living this, instead of pushing and manipulating out of self-interest, lead by the eggleaders as the system of reproduction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel able to make a choise in this and taking real responsibilityfor myself in giving birth to a child, as seen in this writing that I was not certain and I knew this, and so push situations to extremes in a way to try to ‘let a situation decide for me’ while I already had found out to a certain degree that every action has a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still create consequenses while knowing that I cause this, and within this not taking full responsibility of and for myself in word and deed.

*

When and as I see myself participating in/as fear of standing up, speaking up and directing myself in this I stop, I breathe.

I realise that I experience fear because this is new, never done, and so not known as the mind, and so the mind is giving thoughts as fear as a way of control.

I realise that I experience fear when and as I exist in self-doubt and thus I am not absolute certain, and so I need to investigate what I am missing in this in and as myself.

I realise that this is what I will walk, that this is not age-determinded, as I have had the possibility to walk a different way and give birth to a child, which I have decided not to walk, as I was not certain to walk it as self-will as there were always self-dishonest facts involved, which I walked through, so now I am standing at the beginning of standing up in and as myself, which gives an experience of fear as fear of failure, that we all have to walk through.

I commit myself to walk with and as myself, breath by breath, to take on every day what needs to be done, to see into this in self-honesty and with common sense, to ask for support when needed, and first of all, to support myself in this, to breathe, to write, to forgive myself, to embrace myself in this, to correct myself and to push myself to walk and live the self-correction, starting in small things, every day, with and as myself, and if I fall into failure, I stand up, I forgive myself, I investigate what happened, I walk on, realising that failure is only a failure when I lay myself down in it in acceptance, and otherwise it as an opportunity to stand up in it and walk through, step by step, breath by breath.

I commit myself to practise breathing to become more effective in stopping and walking through energetic experiences in and as fear.

I commit myself to walk this process of birthing myself as life in the physical, to push myself in this and dedicate myself to do what is in my ability to make this world a place worth living for all living beings and within this for children to come.

When and as I see myself participating in uncertainty with regards to a making a decision, I stop, I breathe.

I realize that I am distracted by something in and as the mind that I need to investigate.

I realize that there is fear related in this and so I investigate what the fear contains and what judgements are related in this.

I do not allow myself to let myself rushed by time in/as the mind to force and manipulate decisions in this, as this will create consequenses for myself and/as others.

I commit myself to investigate what keeps me from being certain and standing in and as a decision, to write it out, to apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, until I am certain to stand straight and walk the decision in and as self-will, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to slow down, to breathe, to walk in and as self-support.