My mother strikes again

Once again my mother strikes. For those of you who have been following my blogs, you are aware of my relationship with my mother, that is not great at all.

For those of you who aren't aware, my mother is a woman who is a very angry and for the life of us, her kids and grand children we can't seem to figure out why.

A few years ago she told me to get the F out of her house because of a stupid disagreement over clothes I had left in a washing machine. We didn't speak for some time after that and I now pretty much still keep my distance.

Long story short she's just hateful.

Now fast forward, I still stay away and so does my nieces and nephews as well as my siblings with the exception of one, her favorite.

Almost a year and half ago, my sister moved in with my mother to try and save some money. I told her at the time that if I was her, I would make sure that I stick with the plan and save money, possibly looking for a full time job. Low and behold a few months after my sister moved in she started, my mother that is. My sister has called me crying about the same things I had issues with:
- Mom constantly complaining
-Mom begging for money , even though you pay her rent
- Mom not talking to you because you won't share what happened over at dad's when you visit him
- Mom yelling

As far as the money goes my mom has a nice little chunk of change, her house is paid for her car is paid for, and she has no credit card bills. She's the type of woman that if you have $3 you should give her $1

So my sister calls me today in tears because she attempted to talk to my mother to explain how mom makes her feel ( e.g low self- esteem, afraid to speak to her). Long story short ,
Mom told her what she old me a few years ago, right before she told me to get out and that was " as long a you live don't talk to me." Why she says those things I can't understand. Does she not realize that telling your kids those things are hurtful. Or does she not care?

I told my sister she could come here for a few days if she'd liked until things cooled off but if I was her, I'd make sure my ducks are in a row because knowing my mother it's just a matter of time before she tells her to get out.

I told my sister that maybe something happened to my mother as a kid and that's why she treats us, especially the girls, the way she does. Or maybe her mother treated her the way she treats us.

I was always afraid to have kids because I am afraid that I will treat them the way my mother treated us. I remember once I wrote a letter, I was about ten, talking about how my mother treated and talked to us, how she treated my brother totally different and she found it. Rather than talking to me telling me she loved me, she beat me for writing the letter. I'll never forget that, I thought what type of woman does that? There was also a time I was about 6, she beat me for something, I can't remember but it could have been I didn't eat my dinner or something stupid like that. I remember after the beating/spanking taking a bunch of pills to go to sleep and praying that I not wake up. But obviously I did.

As I got older I still battle with depression, thoughts of suicide when feeling down. But I will say this, and that is I've gotten much better at controlling those thoughts, not allowing them to control

My mom is a manipulative bitch as well. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's hard because my mom and I used to be close, until I started standing up for myself. I have learned that family or not, you have to do what is best for your own mental health, and if that means cutting off your relationship with her, than so be it. Definitely sounds like there may have been some issues as a child, do you know how her relationship with her parents was? Good luck to you, and keep encouraging your sister to keep whatever distance is healthy for her as well!

Thanks everyone, I honestly just thought it was me. As far as my mom and her parents, I barely remember my grandmother but from what I can remember it seems as though they had a decent relationship.

And counseling, hmm I hate to say it but being black/ african American with an island heritage it's "how dare you mention counseling" very taboo. In the late 90s when I was really down, I actually did counseling and was given Prozac for a while, it helped.

I just spoke with my sister and she pretty much spent the day at my dad's, I can tell she did not want to go home. But she has made up her mind and has decided to start looking for a place.

Going to counseling is brave in my opinion. Please be of assistance to your sister if needed. And definitely call a doctor or suicide hotline if you ever have suicidal thoughts in the future and tell your sister to do the same. I would guess those are the coping skills your mother learned to protect herself from something in the past. Counseling would give her other ideas and skills to deal with her emotions in a healthy way.

A lot of it is them not having the resources to help, given their generations. (& being too stubborn to get help in this day and age). Please take any help you can get (counseling and/or meds). Unfortunately, you can't force that on your mother. All you can do is take care of you.

I agree, take care of you, Amber. Your mother may have a mental illness, or she may be reacting to a bad past. No matter, you must maintain a healthy distance for your own sake. If she will not get help for herself, that is a path she has chosen. You choose a good path for yourself.

Amber, neither you nor your sister are responsible for your mom's illness. Whatever her problems she would likely benefit from medical intervention but you can't make her get help. On the other hand, both you and your sister can learn to get past the damage she has done. I sincerely hope you'll seek help with depression or any problems that life throws. As a cancer survivor I can vouch for how important it is to get medical attention PDQ.