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James Bond’s 10 weirdest escapes

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James Bond's 10 weirdest escapesHandout

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The BondolaScreen capture

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<b>Rocket Belt Getaway<br>
(Thunderball, 1965)</b><br>
The Bell Rocket Belt: According to James Bond, "no well-dressed man should be without one." Presuming, of course, this well-dressed man only needs to make an escape of a few metres or so -- and can arrange to have a lady friend waiting outside with a getaway car. (Oh, and make sure she has metric buttload of trunk space. Rocket belts are bigger than the average LV valise.) There's something inherently silly about watching Bond float away from bad guy Jacques Boitier -- never mind the fact Boitier's dressed in old-lady drag. Maybe it's 007's kicky, mod helmet. Maybe it's the fact the quasi-futuristic jet pack is only powerful enough to take him off Boitier’s roof. (Next time, try a grappling hook.) Still, the Rocket Belt is unarguably one of the most memorable Bond gadgets. And surprisingly, it has more in common with Bond's collection of Rolexes and Aston Martins than, say, The "Bondola." It was a functioning invention, designed for the U.S. army before it made its film debut. United Artists even brought the Rocket Belt to Thunderball's New York debut. According to Bond lore, they launched a pilot off Manhattan's Paramount Theatre with the thing.
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<b>Mr. Blofeld's Wild Ride<br>
(For Your Eyes Only, 1981)</b><br>
Like a pre-feature cartoon, Bond faces off against a wheelchair-bound Blofeld in this film-opening farce that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Blofeld's not the villain of the piece. But he is a bit of cat-stroking comic relief in this sketch, as he takes over Bond's helicopter by remote control -- until Bond wrests it back, only to chase the baddie's wheelchair down a back alley, scooping him up and dumping him down a smokestack. The Roger Moore 007 flicks tend to be all over corny humour like Bond on Bollinger, of course. But despite the high-flying stunt-work, the whole thing is so silly you can practically hear the Benny Hill theme playing underneath it.
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Bond - Kananga Death SceneScreen capture

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Bond - Iceberg SubScreen capture

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<b>Crocodile Walk<br>
(Live and Let Die, 1973)</b><br>
If you were dropped in the middle of a swamp, surrounded by hungry, hungry crocs and alligators, you’d probably lose your sh*t – and then your arms and legs. If you're James Bond, ravenous reptiles won’t harm you. Instead, they’ll magically align themselves like something out of a game of Frogger, allowing you to daintily skip to safety. (If they were lady-crocs, they'd probably also roll over and make some sort of swooning gnashing noise that's the reptile equivalent of cooing "Oh, James!")
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James Bond CelloHandout

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<B>Exercise kills<br>
(Thunderball, 1965)</b><br>
It's every lazy kid's nightmare. But is it lethal? Probably not, or every spin class would end with a trip to the morgue. But since the idea of taking a spa day with 007 isn't absurd enough -- especially a spa day that doesn't involve a single moment of chest hair maintenance -- let's just go along with the idea that people used to strap themselves into exercise machines with leather restraints. (The '60s, man.) And, if left alone, mysterious bad guys might crank the power on said machines and leave a guy for dead. Such is Bond’s fate in this harrowing (?) Thunderball scene. What follows is several minutes of a captive 007 humping an exercise machine, desperate for the ordeal to be over -- perhaps only because there isn't a vaguely European lady-spy fastened on the table beneath him. The only truly terrifying thing is the scene that follows. After scolding his spa attendant for nearly costing him his life, Bond blackmails her for sex. The gist: if you don't lose the dress, I'll have you fired. Oh, James!
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<b>Crocodile Submarine<br>
(Octopussy, 1983)</b><br>
After tangling with a crew of goons who storm Octopussy's island palace, Bond is thrown into the water. His host, Octopussy, figures he's met a watery fate. And, true enough, 007 winds up in a croc's belly -- albeit a fibreglass one he can pilot to shore. A movie title this ridonkulous apparently needed a Bond gadget to match.
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He’s got style, taste and a license to kill. James Bond fans know you can’t spell “cool” without a double O. It’s amazing, really. Because after 50 years of adventure, the world’s most superhuman super-spy has tangled himself in some majorly stupid capers.

LOL and let die: we’re ticking off 10 of 007’s dumbest escapes.

The latest Bond adventure, Skyfall, arrives in theatres Nov. 8. The entire James Bond filmography, Bond 50 – The Definitive James Bond Collection, was released Sept. 25 on Blu-ray.