Shaggy Stories

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community. And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts. Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help him find his way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South. Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

The experimental salt-water algae farm was having difficulty because of the depletion of the plants by hundreds of sea gulls. An ornithologist was hired to solve the problem. His solution was to grow cannabis sativa plants along the rim of the algae tanks. The terns would nibble at the cannabis and leave the algae alone. Cost was the only factor. He was sent to the Chief Financial Officer to get approval. "Certainly, spend all that is necessary," he was told "Leave no tern unstoned."

Some years ago, when communists ruled the land once called the USSR, an American couple took a late fall vacation there, specifically to Moscow. They were escorted around town by a nice but proud partisan Marxist named Rudolph. They embarked in the morning to see the sights, and the chilly day became overcast as it progressed. In late afternoon, the Mr. thought he felt some moisture on his face and ventured the opinion that it was starting to rain. Rudolph replied "No, the entirely accurate Moscow forecast did not include chances of any rain until that night." Hubby repeated that it felt like rain, and Wifey replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out and past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

In conjunction with his retaliation against a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed intending to utilize it in punishing the leaders of the uprising. His advisors solved the problem of transporting the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment by renting forty elephants and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants startled by nearby battle cries, stampeded, carrying the rack with the African on it, tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully arose, crying out, "What in creation was that?" An anguished companion stammered, "I'm not sure but it looked like a rambling rack from George's attack and an elephant engineer.

Some years ago, when communists ruled the land once called the USSR, an American couple took a late fall vacation there, specifically to Moscow. They were escorted around town by a nice but proud partisan Marxist named Rudolph. They embarked in the morning to see the sights, and the chilly day became overcast as it progressed. In late afternoon, the Mr. thought he felt some moisture on his face and ventured the opinion that it was starting to rain. Rudolph replied "No, the entirely accurate Moscow forecast did not include chances of any rain until that night." Hubby repeated that it felt like rain, and Wifey replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."