8:32 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: “What person
in the history of the world bases their sex lives on their parents? No
kid ever says I want to bang like mom and dad.”

8:34 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: “I’m not for weed coming into the norm. When I used to smoke weed, I felt like a criminal mastermind.”

8:37 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Matt Kirshen: “Given
that it’s called New Orleans, what are they going to call it when they
rebuild it? Maybe they’ll take after detergent and call it New and
Improved Orleans Ultra: Whiter Than Ever.”

8:57 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: “If you think 9-11 was an inside job, make some noise. And if you don’t, I’ve got some literature to show you after.”

8:58 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: “I
can’t not look like this, OK? I have manual labor face. No one has ever
woken up next to me and said ‘Oh, you’re a biochemist, right?’”

9:03 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: “I can tell
this is an industry-heavy crowd. If anybody wants to green light this
shit I’m going to drop on you, I’ll meet you in the bathroom that smells
like a woman’s vagina. We can rap a little.”

9:05 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: “You
can’t use the word ‘halfies’ when talking about a gun, it’s too cute of a
word. That’s like going, ‘Hey, want to go splitsies on a samurai
sword?’”

9:21 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “I’m a 31-year-old comic who still sleeps on a futon, so I know the look of a disappointed parent.”

9:25 pm. Jupiter Tent. Greg Santos: “Ladies, can we
stop posting inspirational quotes online? Every day it’s a new quote
and every day I’m like, ‘That’s another passive aggressive note to your
ex-boyfriend.’”

11:21 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Ian Karmel: “I had a
realization recently that I grew up upper middle class. I realized it
because we had the dopest mustard in our fridge. If you’re able to make
economic decisions about your mustard, you’re doing all right for
yourself.”

11:41 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: “I”m a renowned homosexual. I don’t know if you read about it in the scandal rags—The Willamette Whisperer, The Portland Pssst.”

12:05 am. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: “If
you’ve ever seen Joan Rivers out of the corner of your eye, you know she
looks like an explosion of parachutes and capes from the Emerald City
of Oz.”