Gossip Girl Recap: I Knew You’d Try to Steal Something and Apparently You Did

Rarely does an episode of Gossip Girl go by that does not contain a quivering lower lip, a heartfelt declaration, or a passionate outburst. But don’t let their seeming vulnerabilities fool you. In last night’s action-packed episode, we were reminded that when they know what they want, our Upper East Siders will do whatever they can to take it, no matter what or whom is standing in their way. In last night’s episode, Georgina Sparks wreaked havoc with secrets she gleaned from hacking, eavesdropping, and blackmail. After months of machinations, Dan managed to steal Blair’s heart from Chuck — at least for now. Carol revealed she’d betrayed her sister by sleeping with her husband, resulting in a daughter, Charlie Rhodes, and planned to leverage that information in order to extract a “payday” from her mother’s estate. Meanwhile, Ivy Dickens, the Charlie Rhodes imposter who became that estate’s unlikely heiress, kicked the Van Der Woodsens all the way to back to Brooklyn and took possession of their apartment. If she wasn’t a real Upper East Sider before, she is now.

More Real Than Squabbling Over Flatware at a Funeral • “We both know that nothing can happen between Dan and Blair for at least a year,” Nate tells Chuck. No points, but new rule: If Nate states something with conviction in the first act, he will be proven wrong in the third. • As she lay dying, Cece plotted to sneak Irish musicians, a boatload of blue-collar workers, a raft of booze, and her own dead body into her daughter’s apartment when no one was home, then gave all her money to a hapless con artist. Plus 20 • “It was all here when I got home,” Rufus says, dazedly. Plus 1 • Plus 5 for Georgina pulling off her dowdy sweater shawl to reveal the sexy black dress and fishnets she’s wearing to “Cece Rhodes’s secret wake.” • Of course Dan feels perfectly comfortable parading his new girlfriend Blair around at “a bona fide Humphrey brunch,” that will be attended by best friend, Serena, who admitted she was still forever in love with him like two weeks ago. Plus 5 • In telling off her overprotective mother, Lola slips in that earlier that morning she was “showering at Nate’s,” knowing it will drive her crazy. Plus 2 • Unlike most people on this show, Lola dresses like a real person, not like someone who just robbed a Claire’s boutique. Plus 2 • Also, it was nice how she stood up for ChIvey. Plus 2 • “Hey, Dennis,” Georgina says to a priest, who scuttles away. Plus 2 • Este aspires to be the Camilla Parker-Bowles of Monaco. Plus 1 • Among the things itemized in Cece’s will are Andalusian thoroughbreds and a Fabergé egg collection. Plus 3 • HAHAHHAHA we laughed out loud when ChIvey popped up over Cece’s coffin like a specter and banished Lily and Rufus from their home. Plus 3 • “So many secrets,” says Dorota. “I feel like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.” Plus 1 • As much as we dislike the Dan and Blair relationship — so much so that we can’t bring ourselves to use the popular nickname for their pairing — it was kind of sweet when she called him, “Dan” for the first time. Plus 2

Total: 49

Faker Than a 19-Year-Old Girl Saying, “Don’t Give Me That ‘Let’s Talk About Our Feelings Face,’” to a Boy • “Of course this is happening,” Lola says when her mother appears, rolling her eyes, as if she didn’t expect to run into her while standing around her mother’s funeral. Minus 1 • “I’m just sorry Eric couldn’t make it back from Zaire,” William van der Baldwin tells Serena. “I think they call it the Democratic Republic of the Congo now,” she responds. No. Minus 2 • Minus 1 for Blair’s purple eyeshadow. • Oh, please. Cece didn’t buy the Van Der Humphreys apartment, Bart Bass did. They had just finished redecorating when he croaked. Minus 5 • It’s a little weird that everyone, except Lola as noted above, appears to be more angry at Ivy, the hapless imposter, than Carol, the person who hired her. We expected more compassion out of at least Rufus. Minus 3 • Princess Sophie is getting Gossip Girl blasts in Monaco. Minus 1 • A few months after making harried plans to run away and parent a child together in a doomed limo and just weeks after declaring him to be the love of her life at her own wedding, Blair decides she is no longer “in love,” with Chuck, “at least not right now, not the way you need me to be, not the way you deserve.” Minus 20 • Also, why is Blair all smiles when she turns up at Dan’s house? She just bankrupted her entire family! Minus 5 • Wait, why does Georgina have to mail her entire laptop to Serena. Can’t she just send the files? Minus 2 • No way ChIvey could just kick the Van Der Humphreys out of their home like that. But it was still awesome, so Minus Only 1. • It would be pretty awkward for Carol to reveal to her sister that she slept with her husband and had his child. Very awkward. But isn’t the person it would be the most awkward for Carol? Lily and William are already divorced. He lives down in Florida, and whatever happened was nineteen years and four husbands ago for Lily. Can that seriously be something she holds over his head to get him to change the will? No points until we see what happens on April 2.

Total: 42

This week’s episode fell barely on the side of reality, bolstered by the sublime Georgina Sparks and Dan Humphrey’s classic dickness. See you in a few weeks!