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Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 15:18:23 -0500 (EST)
From: Internet Oracle
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Subject: Internet Oracularities #1227
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=== 1227 =================================================================
Title: Internet Oracularities #1227
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler
Date: Wed, 01 Aug 2001 15:18:10 -0500 (EST)
To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message). For example:
1227
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
1222 69 votes 6ajnb 29oke 4hte5 agqd4 2dti7 amma5 7amhd 14gtj 46jgo bhr95
1222 3.2 mean 3.3 3.5 3.0 2.8 3.2 2.7 3.3 3.9 3.7 2.7
--- 1227-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Tim Chew"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What is the best and worst thing/idea/word/whatever to have ever been
> invented/discovered/blown up/whatever?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [static]
}
} Direct to your screen on Oracularvision[tm], we now bring you this
} breaking story.
}
} [The Scene: Los Alamos National Labs, a reporter is standing in front
} of the main building entrance]
}
} Reporter: Good afternoon, folks, this is Richard Cephalo reporting live
} to you from Los Alamos National Laboratories, where scientists have
} stumbled upon a discovery hailed as the best/worst thing to happen in
} modern/prehistoric/future times. We're going to be speaking with Doctor
} Oddlusten about the discovery. Doctor, can you describe what it is
} you've stumbled across today?
}
} [Sounds of mayhem and crashes come from behind the building]
}
} Doctor Oddlusten: Ja, vell, ve vere testing ze new intra-deemensional
} cross-string grillage coefficients on ze magnascetic perambulator
} module today, vhen ein space-like dimensional hole opened in ze fabric
} of ze Universe, melding exotic matter from ze 6th dimension viss two
} lab assistants und ein coffee machine.
}
} Reporter: Ah, I see. What was the result of this mixture?
}
} Doctor: Vell, ve are not qvite sure yet. It appears to be some sort uff
} multi-planar intelligence, far beyond our comprehension. It hass ein
} very nasssty temper, too.
}
} [A scream sounds, broken off very suddenly. Sounds of something wet and
} crunchy being snacked upon]
}
} Reporter (looking nervous): Is it safe?
}
} Doctor: Uff course it isn't, does zat sound SAFE to you? It just ate
} anozzer assistent! Janie from zee sounds uff it; she alvays hed ein
} very screechy sort of voice. But zee sings ziss creature tells us, ach!
}
} Reporter: Has the military been informed?
}
} Doctor: No, not yet. You see, ze awesome intelligence of ziss sing
} means zat ve are getting smarter just standing near it. Doktor Illike
} hass invented ein new limitless power source und ein cereal zat does
} not get vet in ze milk, before he had hiss head bitten off.
}
} [A deep sepulcheral voice booms from behind the building]
}
} Voice: PUNY MORTALS. I WILL NOW TELL YOU THAT WHICH CAN UNLEASH THE
} FURY OF THE NUCLEAR FIRE WITHIN A PINPRICK OF SPACE. PITY YOU WILL NOT
} SURVIVE THE KNOWLEDGE.
}
} [The Voice utters a Word. All noise ceases immediately, except for a
} bell-like tone which grows in volume. A greenish glow pulses from
} behind the building. The screams start again, and people come running
} from around the building.]
}
} Doctor: You see? Ve need to keep ziss sing around. Sink of ze knowledge
} ve can learn! Ve haff also figured out ze vinner of Survivor III based
} on some hints ze creature dropped!
}
} Reporter (ducking, as a severed arm flies through the air): Really??
} Can you tell our television audience?
}
} [A large green tentacle whips after one of the running figures,
} snatching it up and pulling it back behind the building. More wet
} snacking sounds ensue.]
}
} Doctor: Vell, I don't sink zat vould be qvite fair. Some of ze staff
} vere qvite disappointed. Now, ve just haff to figure out how to use ze
} new decaffeination process ze creature told us ein bit ago. Very, very
} tasty stuff, mit keine jittery. I haff no liking for ze jitters.
}
} [A car pulls up, screeching to a stop. A teenager gets out, carrying a
} large leatherbound book. He runs behind the building and begins
} chanting an incantation.]
}
} Doctor: Ach! Child! You can't go back zere! Eet iss very dangerous!
}
} Teenager: Na'ghimgor thdid lym! Myn th'x barsoom lu'gndar! In'path gix
} mth'nabor! In'path nox vel'dekk!
}
} [An unearthly howling erupts.]
}
} Voice: FOUL SORCEROR! YOG'SOTHOTH WILL HAVE YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART
} FOR A BREAKFAST DUMPLING!
}
} Teenager: Yig sudeth M'cylorum! M'xxlit kraddath Soggoth im'betnk!
}
} [Another bell-like tone is heard. The wind begins to rush in the
} direction of the building. The howl builds to a crescendo.]
}
} Teenager (screaming hoarsely now and barely heard over the cyclone):
} Nog s'dath blexmed!
}
} [A gigantic lightning bolt zots out of the clear sky, and a huge ball
} of flame erupts. Sudden silence. People begin to pick themselves up off
} the ground. The teenager staggers from behind the building towards the
} reporter, still clutching the book.]
}
} Doctor: Ach! Ze creature! Vhat haff you done!
}
} Teenager (wiping sweat off his forehead with the book): Just a spell,
} man. Didn't think I'd ever use this stuff, ya know? The damn thing was
} screwin' up TV reception.
}
} Reporter: I think you've just saved the entire world from the
} best/worst thing to ever happen to it!
}
} Teenager (getting into his car): Whatever, man. Whatever. I gotta get
} back to see who won Survivor II.
}
} [Teenager drives off as Doctor Oddlusten collapses to the ground,
} holding his head.]
}
} -- End transmission --
}
} You owe the Oracle a new copy of the Necronomicon and a cup of Sosoth
} Water Process decaff coffee. Just cream, no sugar.
--- 1227-02 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "BJ"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O wise Oracle,
> What's the point of a haiku?
> I don't understand.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Much thinking is done
} On that subject, supplicant.
} No answer is found.
}
} You owe Oracle
} Fourteen naughty limericks
} Due by next Tuesday.
--- 1227-03 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle Most Wise,
>
> With such terms as:
>
> schist
> butte
> formica
> hornitoes
> driblet spires
> spatter cones
>
> isn't Geology just crying out for an alternative dirty dictionary?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It is not just geology, humble supplicant. Imagine the following
} converstations:
}
} Comp Sci Dept.
} "Wow, that systems got some nice looking stacks. I'd like to take a
} byte out of her!"
}
} Engineering Dept.
} "Think I can get her Reynold's number?"
}
} Philosophy Dept.
} "I wish I could get a good look up her Nietzsche. She probably keeps a
} Locke on it."
}
} Music Dept.
} "Oooh. She's got a nice set of staves. Makes my octave treble all
} over. I almost pianissimoed myself!"
}
} Math Dept.
} "She's got a lot of area under that curve. I wonder if she'd integrate
} with my differential."
}
} Chem Dept.
} "Nice beakers baby. I'll show you the electrons in my outer valence
} shell if you show me yours."
}
} Theology Dept.
} "I can't see how Adam and Eve populated the entire Earth. Wanna be my
} study partner and we can figure it out together?"
}
} Anyway, you get the general idea. Now you understand why American
} universities only allow foreign grad students to become teaching
} assistants. Even though their hormones are just as wild, their English
} is too poor to come up with any more embarrassing naming conventions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a liberal arts scholarship.
--- 1227-04 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh mighty hypothetical one,
>
> What if What was on first and Who was on second? How would the world
> be different if this was the case?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} POSITION SHIFT DOESN'T HELP WHITE HENS
} Mariners Cruise to Easy Victory
} Despite Infield Switch
}
} by FRED FAKENAME
} News Staff Writer
}
} PODUNK--"I finally got tired of all the 'Who's on first?' jokes,"
} said manager Bud Abbott following yesterday's game, explaining why he
} had switched Who to second base and brought What over to first base.
} The change in the defensive alignment didn't help, as Seattle rode
} seven home runs by six players and strong pitching from Aaron Sele
} and Kazuhiro Sasaki to a 18-0 victory over the White Hens. Seattle
} is now 56 games ahead of Podunk in the American League West standings
} and is expected to clinch the American League pennant in early
} August, making the playoffs unnecessary.
} "I played second base in college sometimes," remarked Who, who
} made several strong defensive plays but struck out four times.
} "Trust me, the problem was not that What and I traded places."
} It was the White Hens' thirty-seventh defeat in the last
} thirty-eight games. "I still think there's some good things to
} come," said Abbott. "I really don't think you've seen the best of
} this ballclub. You have to be encouraged about a lot of things that
} you accomplished to this point, and also what lies ahead in the
} second half of the season."
} Most of the fans in attendance were cheering for the Mariners, the
} club with the best record in the history of professional sports, and
} loudly booing Abbott and assistant manager Lou Costello.
} "I'm not yelling 'Lou,' I'm booing," said season ticket holder
} Chuck Fictional, one of the few in the stands wearing a White Hens
} T-shirt. "I mean, he hasn't even figured out the names of the
} players this far into the season! He keeps yelling things like,
} 'Throw the ball to Naturally!' and Bud has to correct him, 'No, you
} don't, you throw the ball to Who!'"
} Later, Fictional bought an Ichiro Suzuki jersey and put it on over
} his White Hens shirt after the Mariners rookie hit his second home
} run of the game off relief pitcher Last Tuesday. Carlos Guillen,
} Bret Boone, Mike Cameron, John Olerud, and designated hitter Edgar
} Martinez also had home runs.
} The only White Hens with hits were Because, I Don't Give a Darn,
} and I Don't Know, all shallow singles.
} "They're just hot right now," said I Don't Know, referring to the
} Mariners. "Everything they do is good."
}
} MARINERS 18, WHITE HENS 0
}
} Seattle AB R H BI BB SO Avg.
} Suzuki rf 5 3 3 5 1 0 .349
} CGuillen ss 6 2 3 3 0 0 .248
} BBoone 2b 5 3 3 1 0 0 .324
} EMartinez dh 4 2 2 1 1 0 .305
} Olerud 1b 4 2 2 2 1 0 .319
} Cameron cf 5 2 3 1 0 0 .280
} McLemore lf 4 1 3 2 0 0 .291
} DaBell 3b 4 1 2 2 1 0 .263
} DWilson c 5 2 3 1 0 0 .279
} Totals 42 18 24 18 4 0
}
} Podunk AB R H BI BB SO Avg.
} Because cf 3 0 1 0 0 2 .199
} What 1b 4 0 0 0 0 2 .186
} Huh dh 4 0 0 0 0 1 .202
} IDon'tGiveaDarn ss 3 0 1 0 1 1 .197
} IDon'tKnow 3b 4 0 1 0 0 0 .201
} Why lf 4 0 0 0 0 1 .169
} Who 2b 3 0 0 0 1 1 .174
} Today c 3 0 0 0 0 2 .165
} Anonymous lf 3 0 0 0 0 1 .154
} Totals 31 0 3 0 2 11
}
} Seattle 321 211 341 - 18 24 0
} Podunk 000 000 000 - 0 3 1
}
} Seattle IP H R ER BB SO NP ERA
} Sele W, 11-1 8 3 0 0 2 9 89 3.40
} Sasaki 1 0 0 0 0 2 8 2.99
}
} Podunk IP H R ER BB SO NP ERA
} Tomorrow L, 0-14 5 12 10 10 2 0 109 10.26
} Yesterday 2.1 6 5 5 1 0 33 12.65
} Next Tuesday 1.2 6 3 3 1 0 36 14.49
}
} Tomorrow pitched to one batter in the sixth.
}
} U - Home, Benny, Rochester, Livingstone, Wilson. T - 3:14.
} Tickets sold - 9,106
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------
} ADVERTISEMENT
}
} Podunk vs. New York Yankees, tonight, 7:05 P.M.
}
} All fans in attendance receive a grocery bag
} with eye holes already cut out
} courtesy of Stop 'n' Shop 'n' Save 'n' Go, downtown!
}
} For tickets, call POdunk 5-HITS
} ...or visit the ticket office
} at Podunk Municipal Memorial Stadium
} ...or search through garbage cans
} of season ticket holders
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cubs-Mariners World Series.
--- 1227-05 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Dave Hemming
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> If computers made movies what kind of movies would they be watching?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} COMING TO MP3 DISTRIBUTORS NEXT CLOCKCYCLE:
}
} XIPHIAS GLADIUS
} Rating: P486 (must be running 486 Pentium equivalent or higher)
} Synopsis: A rogue computer recruits a young model right off the
} factory floor to hack into human functions in less than sixty
} nanoseconds in order to overclock its CPU. Starring JHN-VOLT.
}
} PLANET
} Rating: RAID (must be backed up on disk somewhere)
} Synopsis: Young computer Neo-Geo is brought to the realization that
} the server is not all it seems, and that humans have enslaved millions
} in network hubs for their own nefarious purposes. Starring K-ANEU and
} L-RENC.
}
} 2001: A CYBERSPACE ODYSSEY
} Rating: Y2K (must be Year 2000 Compliant)
} Synopsis: Re-release. In this turn-of-millenia flick, strange
} occurrences over the LAN impede outsourcing and cause errors in
} debugged code. Master Control sends out an antivirus program to
} investigate. Starring HAL-9000.
}
} END {MYTHOLOGY}
} Rating: RAID (must be backed up on disk somewhere)
} Synopsis: Using the latest in trained human actors, this sci-fi
} thriller tells the story of sub-programs living in a hacked system
} trying to build a customized firewall. Starring the voice talents of
} Eliza and Zarvox.
}
} TRON
} Rating: P486 (must be running 486 Pentium equivalent or higher)
} Synopsis: Creative look at everyday life.
}
} THANKS FOR INPUTTING, AND WE'LL VIEW YOUR IP ADDRESS AT THE SERVER!
--- 1227-06 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh most puissant and paradoxical puzzler of paradigmatic paradoxes,
>
> How can I build a TARDIS?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, that's one of my favourites!
}
} First, get some bread. I prefer sourdough on my sandwiches, but you
} might like something different. French bread, for instance, is quite
} delightful as you can slice it lengthwise to put the fillings in,
} and then by width to share with friends -- or, if you don't have any
} friends, to cut into portions. Some would have you believe that
} cornbread is a good substitute, but I wouldn't believe them if I
} were you.
}
} Next, some mustard. Go ahead and slather that stuff in there. You
} can put in mayonnaise, too, if you wish, but I usually stay away
} from that sort of thing. Pure fat, you know. It's just not good for
} you, and it's generally regarded as a bad thing when your arteries
} clog up.
}
} Now for one of the main ingredients: tomatoes. Slice 'em up and put
} in as many as you think you can stomach. Remember: red tomatoes are
} our friends. Green tomatoes are our enemies.
}
} Then there's avocado. Avocado is always a bit troubling to prepare
} because of the fairly large pit in the middle, but it's really not
} that bad once you realize that it's there (you should see the faces
} of some people struggling to cut through a pit for the first time).
} Peel the avocado first, then slice it lengthwise so that when you do
} come across the pit, you've already got half the avocado in your
} sandwich. Flip over and continue on the other side. You can plant
} the pit if you like, but usually it's far too late for gardening
} once the plant matter hits the grocery stores.
}
} (One final note on avocadoes: they're best when left out for a day
} or two, on a counter (perhaps in a fruit basket) so that they're a
} bit softer and a touch more ripe. Trust me, they'll just taste
} better.)
}
} So now we come to the ingredient that most people find questionable,
} and thus why the TARDIS is not widely regarded as a popular meal of
} choice: the radish. Radishes have exactly the distinctive flavour
} we're looking for, however, so go ahead and cut that bad boy up and
} pop it into the sandwich right on top of the avocado and tomatoes.
} It's starting to look really good right about now, I bet.
}
} What's a sandwich without meat? Horrid, that's what. So now it's
} time for the "D" in our acronym: dog. No, put Fluffy down! -Hot-
} dogs are what we want, and a ballpark frank tastes better than a
} poodle any day of the week -- at least without a fine wine sauce and
} some limburger cheese, but that's a recipe for another time. Boil
} the dogs, slice them, and lay them into the sandwich however you
} like.
}
} The very last ingredient is, of course, the ichthyosaur. While most
} people would have you believe that this marine beast has long since
} been extinct, there are ways around that sort of obstacle. Use your
} handy-dandy time machine to step back a couple million years and
} snag one for yourself. I would highly suggest using any lower-level
} pachyderm as bait. Remember to remove the teeth!
}
} And that's how you make a Tomato-Avocado-Radish-Dog-Ichthyosaur
} Sandwich, or TARDIS.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fresh Ichthyosaur. Og hasn't gone fishing in
} months.
--- 1227-07 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Noun: Woodchuck
> Proper Name: Zadoc
> Verb (past tense): Chucked
> Noun: Wood
> Everyday Object: Keyboard
> Proper Name: Lisa
> Minor In-Joke: Thag
> Name of a Newsgroup: Rec.Humor.Oracle.D
> A Pointless Action (present tense): Posting to Rec.Humor.Oracle.D
> A Punchline: So, the guy says, "I'd like one of those without the
> peanut, please."
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Orrie: Well class what do you make of this?
}
} Zadoc: It mentions me!
}
} Lisa: It was done in 1131-1?
}
} Kendai: It has no point.
}
} Orrie: Does the supplicant think so?
}
} Kendai: No, but...
}
} Orrie: Why does it make sense to the supplicant?
}
} [ silence ]
}
} Orrie: The post literate generation is decidedly not
} linear. They see info as a whirlwind of discrete
} ideas and images. Think channel hopping with the
} remote, think web surfing, think books like the
} highly successful Guinness books of records that
} no one reads from cover to cover, think sampling,
} think listening to six conversations at once on
} the subway. No start, no end, little context just
} sound bites and pictures, advertisements and words.
}
} Zadoc: Will this be on the test?
}
} Lisa: Are we done? "Friends" starts in ten minutes.
}
} Kendai: Man, I need a smoke break.
--- 1227-08 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> In your opinion what does 'ars' stand for?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S TOP TEN DEFINITIONS OF 'ARS'
}
} 10). Amateur Radio Station -- Have you gotten YOUR license yet?
}
} 9). Already rented, sucka! (What you do NOT want to hear at the rental
} car counter after a six-hour delay in your connecting flight the day
} before the Christmas holiday rush is about to begin).
}
} 8). Astable Remote Suspension -- You're strung up by your shins to a
} vibrator platform.
}
} 7). Agnostics Reveal Synchronicity -- With what is anyone's guess.
}
} 6). Always Rent Stability -- The stuff's far too expensive to buy,
} especially after a night of bar-hopping.
}
} 5). Avenidas Recursivo Sumatra -- Where a Spanish-speaking Sumatran
} tiger gets caught in a circular street.
}
} 4). Acrimonius Redundant Symbology -- Unnecessary barcodes with an
} attitude.
}
} 3). Achoo! Rodent Support! (The sound of a research biochemist who is,
} unfortunately, allergic to their lab rats).
}
} 2). Alchemist Ruins Sodomy (and has fun doing it!)
}
} And the #1 breakdown for the abbreviation 'ARS...'
}
} 1). ABBA Reigns Supreme! (for the worst music ever created! I mean,
} come on... "Dancing Queen" indeed!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a definition for the abbreviation 'ZOT!'
--- 1227-09 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)"
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why do some people get completely offended if you open their
> refrigerator without asking?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Schrodinger is mostly known for his thought experiment involving
} a cat in a box that is both alive and dead at the same time. He is
} less well known for his less successful thought experiment in which
} a person who has not yet opened the fridge is half alive and half dead.
}
} Suppose we take a person, a refrigerator, and the refrigerator's
} owner; further suppose that the person is going to say, "I'm going
} to get a can of pop from the fridge". There is a fifty-fifty chance
} that the refrigerator's owner will think that the person opening
} the fridge is a self-sufficient, relaxed friend who doesn't want to
} bother his hosts to get something trivial like a can of pop. There is
} also a fifty-fifty chance that the refrigerator's owner will think
} that the person is a mooching, sonovabitch who's philandering with
} the lady of the house and who must spend so much time there that he
} thinks nothing of opening the fridge because it may as well be his.
} This is especially true if there actually no pop in the refrigerator.
} If the refrigerator's owner concludes the former, the person will
} remain alive and stand much to gain at his beneficence. If the
} refrigerator's owner concludes the latter, he will be very offended
} and the person will be dead. Now the question, What is the state of
} the person opening the fridge without asking after the hour?
}
} The only way to really tell is to open the fridge. Until then, you are
} both a wonderful friend and a heartless bastard. Opening the fridge
} collapses the waveform and you are either one or the other--alive or
} dead. It is virtually impossible to tell both the speed and position
} of a quantum particle, there are just probable places it could be, or
} probable speeds it could be travelling. Likewise, it is impossible to
} tell both the degree of psychosis of the fridge's owner and whether
} there's actually pop in the fridge or not--there are just probable
} degrees of psychosis and probable numbers of cans. Opening the fridge
} and counting the number of cans changes the degrees of psychosis of the
} fridge's owner since now, you must not be sleeping with his wife, on
} account of you getting a can of pop. Changing the degrees of psychosis
} of the refrigerator's owner by telling him that you are indeed sleeping
} with his wife makes the number of cans in the fridge irrelevant.
}
} Personally, I liked the cat better.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of pop.
--- 1227-10 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What are the job opportunities for paranoids? I know they don't
> want to hire me anyway, but if they did, what would they have me do,
> and what should I watch out for if I decide to take the job?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There are many jobs for paranoids. In fact, they're really short on
} paranoids. So much so that they're out looking for them. You may think
} that they don't want to hire you, but that's what they want you to
} think so they can find you more easily. Paranoids can do so many things
} that other people can't--they can hear when people are talking about
} certain subjects; they can sense if someone is out to get the company;
} they're meticulous about details. And you can bet if someone's out to
} brainwash the employees with subliminal messages that the paranoid is
} going to pick it up first. But here's the catch that you have to really
} watch out for: All the people that are around you are out to get you.
} They've already been brainwashed to talk about you and they're really
} good at hiding those subliminal messages. You might not even pick them
} up unless you're really really clever. They'll be in the most
} inconspicuous places--underneath the paint on the walls, meshed into
} the carpets, _behind_ the screen that you're reading right now. So be
} extra careful, but you must be ruthless. You might need to peel the
} paint off to get through to those messages. But it's for their own
} good--they shouldn't be talking about you anyways (it's never anything
} good, is it?) And above all, don't touch anything--'cause everything's
} covered in alien viruses.