America’s 10 Most Ridiculous 2014 Winter Olympic Uniforms

Fun fact: In the Winter Olympics, the biathlon consists of cross-country skiing and rifle shooting. For the over-achieving Jeffrey Dahmer in you. via

During the Summer Olympics, we all get to feel bad about our beach bodies watching a horde of hard bodied warriors fight for national glory in uniforms that are basically underwear. The Winter Olympics are more of a worldwide pageant where everyone forgets that it isn’t 1983 and remembers that Russia’s borders might have questionable security. Spandex! Flames! Toothpaste bombs!

Enjoy the best body skimming monstrosities the 2014 Sochi Olympics have to offer.

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The internet already named Ralph Lauren’s opening ceremony outfit the worst ever, but we can’t let this go yet. The Opening Ceremony sets the tone of the entire shebang. If you are going to make our heroes wear Disney World-esque American schlock, at least go with camo or western wear to symbolize our penchant for world domination. I have, at one point, combined an oversized leopard print sweater with hot pink lipstick, lace tights, and an actual bonnet and I find this tacky. Ralph Lauren, I thought I knew you.

photo: Getty

Why yes, that is an actual eagle painted onto Katie Uhlaender‘s skeleton racing helmet. Because nothing says wisdom and strength like hurling yourself down an ice luge on a device that lacks brakes or steering capabilities. However, the ten-year-old me who always wanted airbrushed tee shirts at the beach is very, very jealous. See also: blue camo.

photo: Getty

Not even the Von Trapp children would be caught in this ensemble. Why don’t the legs of your pants match? Why are the jackets decorated with neon, but the pants are navy and black? Did they even try to find less offensive sunglasses? So many questions I have for the 2014 cross country skiing team.

photo: Getty

Nicholas Alexander‘s ski jumping outfit isn’t horrible. But then you see a picture of the always bulgy Rex Racer, who Wikipedia describes as a “heroic, mysterious, flamboyant, selfless, sympathetic and often brooding soldier of fortune.” I can only imagine that’s the look he was going for when he chose white pants.

Someone needs to make an action movie featuring a speed skating team robbing Swiss banks. The US team is ready. Just look at those catsuits.

photo: Getty

Another original helmet for fans of Daft Punk and Miami Vice. If it surprises you that a skeleton racer takes up two spots on this list, remember that it’s a sport where you dive head first down an icy slope and steer only with the torque of your head and neck.

photo: Getty

If you know only one thing about Lolo Jones, now that she enjoys boy shorts posing like Wonder Woman in patriotic spandex. I really wish the designer had just committed to wrapping the flag all the way around her leg.

photo: Getty

Figure skating is notorious for awesome and awesomely bad costumes. Can’t get tickets to The Book of Mormon? Just watch MarissaCastelli and SimonShnpair‘s Olympic ice dance routine.

Castelli and Shnapir are pairs skaters, not an ice dance team. And they use music for James Bond soundtracks, so it’s not “Book of Mormon”. Theirs is the least offensive/ugly of the bunch. Sorry Marissa Castelli is from RI like me, and I’m very impressed with her!

kj

Well, yeah, for the 2012 summer Olympics in London the Canadian uniforms were RIDICULOUS – incorporating “fashion forward” jean jackets with patches on them that “represented what ordinary Canadians look like…”
…so I feel your pain.