My Most Memorable Marriage Proposals

August 17, 2012

A tell-all expose on how NOT to propose to a girl.

I realize that the title of this piece makes me sound remorseless - breaking boys’ hearts left right and center. But let me put this in context. I’m single, from an orthodox Indian family, and therefore, I’m being match-made left right and center.

In the few years I’ve been on the marriage market, I have encountered some of the most amusing proposals- the ‘will you marry me’ type of proposals and the less traditional ‘will you exchange horoscopes with me’ type of proposals - from would be grooms and their parents.

Of course, the first and most memorable one I ever received was, “I am just a humor boy, looking for girl to have funny times with- hope u can b d 1.” Short, succinct, charming and incredibly, unwittingly funny. I wonder if I should have just married him to enjoy similar one liners at every anniversary. However, I didn’t. I was young, and hung up on proper grammar and following my parents’ rules. And he was an East African chap who just met me 5 minutes ago at Singapore’s ubiquitous Mustafa shopping center. Of course the fact that he directed the question at my cleavage also decided it for me.

I should have realized it was just the tip of cuckoo-land, and at least he asked me. I can’t say that about the parent-approved models.

A couple of years ago, I got a really bizarre phone call from a Mr. X, who proceeded to quiz me on my resume. I thought he was a recruiter so I got down to the business of serious self-promotion. After the successful ‘interview’ concluded, I was informed that I was a ‘suitable candidate for his son’, and that he would be contacting my parents shortly, and I can expect to hear from his son on possible wedding dates.

I told my father I wanted to conduct my own job interview(s) of the boy before I could discuss wedding dates. My father relayed my request to the boy’s father. The boy’s father turned it down citing it as inappropriate. So I turned down the boy. Quite fair don’t you think?

More recently, I got invited to Skype date a potential groom. I waited. And waited. 20 minutes had passed and the groom was a no-show. All I got were several calls from a spammer with a ridiculous username which was a permutation of “BigjuicytrunkXX”. Naturally I blocked this user after the third attempt. Apparently that was the groom.

In hindsight, I shouldn’t have taken that call at all. When I finally did and said hello- I heard two voices, a man’s voice and a woman’s one. The woman was the groom’s mother. I was officially in the twilight zone. I tried to talk to the groom. He tried to talk to me. Anything we tried to say was contradicted and corrected by his mother. I just hemmed and hawed, but Mr. Groom dutifully proceeded to agree with everything Mummy-jee said. After 30 minutes of this torture, Mummy-jee asked me “What do you think of my son? Can we fix an engagement date? We want a wedding in XY Village.”

Errrrr…

I should have just shut my mouth, but no I had to be funny. So I replied “Aunty-jee, I don’t think I can make any decision, I didn’t really get a chance to talk to your son”. Clearly I haven’t been watching enough Ekta Kapoor tele-serials - because “Thou shalt not disagree with thy future/current mother-in-law” is practically a sacred commandment according to the law of the Indian soap opera. All future dialogues were with my parents afterwards, but I was quick to put a halt to proceedings since I wasn’t too keen on living in a soap opera nightmare where Mummy-jee dictates everything from the clothes I wear to my political opinions. *shudder*

Oh and it does not end there! As recently as last month, I was in conversation with a gentleman. Or rather he was in conversation with me. We managed three separate conversations because Mr. Groom had a LOT to say to me. Mostly they were complaints. He complained about his job, he complained about his family, he complained about the country he was living in, he even complained about the cost of the phone call he was making to me. Finally, after managing to complain about the quality of Hindi spoken in Mumbai, he complained “Tcheh this is getting really tiring you know - can you just hurry up and marry me?” I told him I had to think about it, called my parents aside and told them if I had to marry Mr. Complaint King here, I will kill him in the first 3 months of marriage and happily go to the gallows.

Now before you start thinking I’m the most desirable person in the world who has men falling over their feet to marry me, let me state for the record that I haven’t gotten into the ones who rejected me. Just off the top of my head, there was the guy who showed up with his complete extended family in a party of 10 for a ‘girl seeing’ ceremony, stayed at a fancy hotel at my family’s expense, said ‘yes yes we want this’ and went missing afterwards. We still haven’t heard from them. Then there was this other one who suggested on our first date that I try living with him for a month or two to see if we’ll work out. Finally, there was the one chap who rejected me just to know what it felt like because he’d been rejected by one too many girls in the past.

I’d love to go on to list every crazy chap I’ve ever met, but I suspect that’s enough material for a book, or an entire series of them. The only reason I haven’t written it to date is because I wonder who’d want to read such maudlin crap, and well I’m also hoping for my own happy ending one day with a sane guy.??Although, after one too many encounters of the bizarre kind, I am beginning to think I probably have “will attract every weirdo, bizzaro and clown in the community” written somewhere in my horoscope, and may probably end up marrying one.

I am suddenly beginning to see the virtue in remaining single. Maybe that is my happy ending.

41 Comments

Superb post...had a hearty laugh....all this drama surrounding arranged marriages is enough for one to go celibate ;-)

By Runaway Bride

23.08.12 05:12 PM

Wow Divya! That is a great idea! Are u serious about this? I see a best-seller in the making!

By DivyaS

23.08.12 03:11 PM

@The Fool- Yes we should. I always knew I never wanted it to be my own stories- and a perspective from a guy will be nice.

By The Fool

23.08.12 02:44 PM

Interesting read. This is one topic that never fails to generate. Talking of a book? You can consider including me as well in the venture. I have chronicled my attempts to find a bride at great length on my blog and new readers are popping up and commenting even today nearly 3.5 years after I wrote it.

By DivyaS

23.08.12 02:05 PM

@Runaway Bride- Hello-- do you want to join me in writing that book? I think between us we can come up with one heck of a story. I nearly cried with laughter (and genuine sadness) at some of the things you've reported.

By Runaway Bride

23.08.12 01:40 PM

This is exactly my story!!! I have really, lost count of the number of 'perspective grooms' I have met. But, I got a weird idea of maintaining a blog about it, and I fantasize of making my man read it, someday. (This is one reason, I ask every perspective groom, if he likes to read :P )

By Divya S

22.08.12 05:06 PM

@Sonik- I sincerely hope so. Can you imagine a guy using that SkypeID for business calls? But yes- he could have been more subtle about it with his mum around and all that.

@Confused Soul- Oh they do! Which is why I get so much of entertainment value out of this.

@Payal- Not exaggerated, except for my reactions. I took out all the drama and the emotion so I could come across as sassy and awesome, when the truth is I, like most girls in my position, had to cringe in horror at the things I was forced to hear.

@Rajpriya- Sorry to hear that about the couple. But these things are so common that hardly anyone gets shocked by them anymore. ;)

By Payal Lal

21.08.12 12:42 AM

Haha, i cannot stop laughing! And even if this is exaggerated, I am ready to believe it. You really should write a book. Maybe a kind of guide for future Indian brides who are trying to venture the arranged marriage market :D

By Confused Soul

20.08.12 08:47 PM

hahahaha that was hilarious.. I can't believe people act so silly sometimes!

By Sonik

19.08.12 04:57 PM

Hilarious post about a sad trend.

"All I got were several calls from a spammer with a ridiculous username which was a permutation of “BigjuicytrunkXX”. Naturally I blocked this user after the third attempt. Apparently that was the groom." ROFL. Please tell me he didn't set the name just for the date!

By Rajpriya

19.08.12 08:25 AM

@Divya S,

“Then there was this other one who suggested on our first date that I try living with him for a month or two to see if we’ll work out”.

Here is a true story:

This is a true story about two people known closely to me from a neighboring village in Germany. They lived together for fifteen years under one roof.

One day they decided it was time to say “Yes”, until death do us apart at the church. I attended the great reception party and everything seemed to look like it was a dream wedding. They seemed to be so inseparable cuddling each other on that day.

Three months later I met this lady alone at a super market and inquired how her husband was getting on? Oh! Did you not know? We are no longer living together.

I was shocked and asked why what happened? She said it wasn’t worth talking about. Both have moved away from this village. I have no idea if they have found new partners.

It has been a trend for years in the west in people of all ages. Some decide to say Yes! when there were only a few days left for the baby to be born to give the baby legitimacy.

By DivyaS

19.08.12 06:14 AM

@Vikram- thanks for your kind words and glad I could make you laugh.

@Indu- Maybe its not fair to say all of them are this bad. I guess I've just had extraordinarily bad luck.

@Nandana- OUCH! I guess we can firmly place the blame for that with stupid policies in schools that prevent boys and girls from fraternizing (very common in South India).

@Harry: You are of course entitled to your opinion, and I am aware there will be people who will comment negatively. I've been blogging since 2005. So there is no need for the 'lesson'.

However, that said, do note you are the only commenter in the list of 30 comments who decided to theorize and assume I've rejected hundreds of men and basically cast asperations on my character. For the record- I don't plan to write on my own rejections, but to also include stories from other people to add some flavor. Perhaps you see now how I can get enough material for a book? Or do you still think I'm the quintessential ape leader?

You too had to go through 3 set ups before you found your ideal mate- what makes you think me, or any of the other women who have commented here have it any easier? By commenting as you do- you not only insult me, but every other girl who is in this boat, who is suffering through every kind of insulting look at her education, her looks, her speech and her character in the arranged marriage set up process.

If at all I wrote this- it was to bring a smile on their faces- to tell them they are not alone.

Also- please note that unlike you- I cast no asperations on your character, I am merely calling you out on the content of your posts, which is how critique is done in most of the civilized world.

You are welcome to comment negatively as that is your right, but I am also entitled to reply and state MY OPINION which is that your earlier comments are unwarranted.

I am sure you are an educated person who would be more open minded than this- who would know not to insult someone's character to their face- or over cyberspace.

By HARRY

19.08.12 01:35 AM

@ Divya

I'm not theorizing, it's more of wondering point. It started out like a satire but some how it turned in to a kind of a plight, or looked as if it did. The turning point was when you called it tip of ICEBERG.

I wasn't passing any judgement, but rather curious, when you said that you can write a book on it. It sound like figures in to few hudreds atleast to write a book on it. Is it too many in modern day, I don't know . But in my days, yes, because my Mrs. was a fourth person for me.

The other thing that I was going to say to you is this, sound minded and educated person that you are, what differece does it make to your life what one faceless individual like me sitting thousands of miles away says. But that's besids the point. The point I'm making is that, you have written an article on your self and a platform as big as NRI, you are bound to get certain comments that you may not like, and it's not much you can do.

One rule as a blogger and a writter you should know is to never to write anything personal about your self, if you don't want people to comment on it.

Have great day ( and I'm not being sarcastic ) I mean it.

And also there are lots of typos in my post that I don't like correcting.

By Nandana

18.08.12 10:47 PM

Thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Most of my friends are going for the arranged marriage set-up, sometimes the scenes are so unbelievable they are so funny. A guy(supposedly a test-engineer) once asked my friend under scenarios she would "pass"(say yes) the match and under which she would "fail" (reject). I couldn't believe that such ppl really did exist.

By indu chhibber

18.08.12 09:38 PM

I enjoyed reading,what you did not enjoy going through.Is all of this true?If it is then i must say things have changed for the worse today----or maybe for the better;because you at least know what the future will be like.

@Harry- instead of theorizing why I am being "too choosy" or turning this into a discourse on why the arranged marriage system is better, or for that matter even presuming to know what desi girls benchmark, just laugh it off! That's what the post was intended for.

As you don't know me- making assumptions on what I value or don't in a guy is quite unwarranted. Your post is extremely insulting and unnecessarily suggestive and judgemental, and asking me not to get insulted does not excuse the content of your post.

@Vaishali-- take all of it with a pinch of salt, a sense of humor and some gumption and you too will find something entertaining in the process! Hehehehe

@Local-Yokel-- glad to read that someone is having a laugh at this! ;)

By local-yokel

18.08.12 12:24 AM

From amina sinai's marriage to this.. "reportage" ..ermahgerd.. quite a long journey. excuse me while I . I can barely contain myself.

By Vaishali Jain

18.08.12 12:10 AM

Am I happy or what(?) to have not gone through this funny grind... not till now, at least. I know this will all begin once I'm done with my MBA et al but oh, this was such a happy post. Made me chuckle at times, and mostly that. Thanks for the humor, Divya! :D

By HARRY

17.08.12 11:39 PM

@ Divya

I loved the article and the way it's written. Witty and full of laughter. :)

Now to the serious part. It could be variety of the reasons, why you are attracting this kind individuals, but lets not go in to that. But I do want to suggest few things on great many rejections.

A:- You are living in mills and boon world. ( Asking too much from prospective grooms, all the lovey dovey stuff).

B:- You are very selective, in terms of the choices. ( No mummy's boy, wrong job, wrong colour, too Indian, no personality, not educated to your level, and so on).

C:- Other reasons ( I'm not going in to this part ).

Don't take this personally, I'm not insulting you, but trying to understand you. Your outlook and benchmark are some what different to other desi girls.

I still think that we have the best system for marriage, because if you look at western culture, they do the dating part first and when they get tired and sick of it, then they join the dating web-site ( same as arranged marriage with a twist ).

I think what you will have to do is compromise with your standards slightly, then you will find the right person to be with. That's the only thing you can do at this point in time and nothing more.

Like Roy said in his post, you can have a happy ending but it depends on you and no one else. Good luck. :)

HARRY

By Rajpriya

17.08.12 04:38 PM

@Divya S,

He could carry you around and save the investment on smartphones. I am sure that could be multipurpose. He,He.

By Divya S

17.08.12 04:12 PM

@Prachi- Hope your tummy is feeling better (Ouch). I am beginning to think the men my parents introduce me to are scared of functioning brains in a woman. What's a smart woman to do? Look outside I guess. Good on ya and you have my sympathies.

I wear spectacles too! But spectacles can be sexy. ;)

~Div

By Divya S

17.08.12 02:41 PM

@Rajpriya- goes without saying I want you dancing and having a ball at my future wedding- or at least bachelorette party. LOL

By Rajpriya

17.08.12 01:33 PM

@Divya S,

I understand and know that any one including me was no different. We never know what's in store for us until it comes. Finally if it's all fun life should be fun to live.

I am sure your guy is out there looking for you and you would find him. Don't forget to invite me I would be there über punctual at your party until you throw me out the next morning but throw me inside the departure gate. Is that OK?

By Divya S

17.08.12 01:08 PM

@Pooja- OMG are you kidding? You have all my sympathies, and as you can see I'm not spouting a platitude.

@Roy- what you've described will be the premise of my book. I will commence with the writing once I have my happy ending sorted out with a sane and wonderful man I can laugh with for the rest of my life.

By Pooja

17.08.12 12:52 PM

Hehe !! Its the process making me crazy ....n thr are crazy people out there ofr sure !!
For starters, i met thisguy who asked me how i go to office , I said by n autoriksha .....he says OMG u r so independent !! I was like "I don drive it " :P

By Roy

17.08.12 12:52 PM

@ Divya Thanks for the sweet reply. And keep posting, infact u can make a series out of it and the final post will be about the final one with u chose to marry.

By Divya S

17.08.12 12:45 PM

Thanks everyone for your comments!

@Rajpriya- I am trying to find a 'middle way' between what my parents want and what I want. LOL.

@Raghav- Take it as a light hearted piece. I don't think our entire community is mad, I just have a knack for attracting all the crazies. ;)

@Deepa- My hunt for the "Humor boy to have funny times with" is still on. But that's what I envision for myself as well. Everything else you can make, but a sense of humor you have to be born with. ;)

@Roy: I agree there's nothing wrong with the conventional method- all that I have a grouse with is the 'rushing rushing' mentality in place- one meeting chalo hum kare shaadi? So if you are willing to take the time to know me-- and you're willing to give me the time to know you why not? ;)

@Pooja: You poor thing. Yes you are welcome to share your horror stories as well. Is it the process that makes people mad, or are there really that many crazy folk out there?

By Pooja

17.08.12 12:29 PM

Divya, an awesome post !! M sailing in the same boat and have enuf experiences of my own & as suggested by my friends should put it a book.....I think we shud all come together....it'll b a best seller !! :D

By Roy

17.08.12 12:23 PM

@ Divya There is nothing wrong in our conventional method as long as ur decision is final and the groom is not forced on u by ur parents.
@ Raghav We r not in sorry state, we r proud of being our parents kids and rely on them even today for major decisions of our life, at least I m not. By the way my parents r looking for a good proposal for me right now and I don't have prob coz I know they will do what is best for me.
I don't know how our life will shape up but 1 thing I m sure of is I'll love her till the end and everything what's mine will belong to her. We will compromise, we'll adjust but we will live our whole life together and divorce or seperation is neither our dictionary nor it will ever be.
Divya u can consider this my proposal and my parents will contact ur parents soon.... :)

By Prachi

17.08.12 12:11 PM

I am getting cramps in my tummy reading this...I too use to be hung on proper grammer and still am..got rejected outright many times..courtsey - (1) Spectacles and (2) I am a lawyer (Though not necessarily in that order) lol..

I can relate to each and everything you wrote..

Please do shop outside your parent's rules. I have full permission to do that but luck has'nt favoured me yet.

By Deepa Duraisamy

17.08.12 09:53 AM

Oh Divya, I feel for you. It is a strange system alright, arranged marriage in itself a topic that has been beaten up by many and analysed from every angle possible. I personally haven't been through the match making process because ours was a love marriage but I have friends from whom I have heard the weirdest stories ever. Nevertheless, hang in there. The world is made up of all kinds of people, some as bizzare as the ones you have talked about and some sane ones! Someday I see you sharing a chuckle with someone worthy of you reminiscing these very moments! :)

By Raghav

17.08.12 09:27 AM

I wasn't sure if I should take the post as a funny one, as it was, or a look at the sorry state of society in India, which it is in. Good one!

I am almost certain you got my first comment wrong.
I was just making fun of those guys who lack being romantic.

In my days every one else made proposals except me but you live in an entirely different setup and could also upset things you need to get right.

A mixture of your parents and your rules should help you. Things that need to change in any management decisions are inevitable. They are based on changes in an environment,

Conventional methods have been found to be too slow and replaced by modern methods where the desired results are achieved faster.

By Rajpriya

17.08.12 08:19 AM

@Divya S,

Yes! you should. You have to live with your future and not your parents. Parents want the best future for you but the decision is yours and what you feel you can put up with a whole lifetime that's your future.

Things starting with fun should also last. You are fun loving and you should find one that would make even more. Good things come to people who wait for them.

By Divya S

17.08.12 08:10 AM

@Rajpriya,

If that is every possible proposal idea CANYOUKILLMENOW? ;)Do you honestly believe that those guys are normal? OMG!

I mean I don't even want much. Take the time to know me, and then ask me nicely. Seesh.

I better start shopping outside my parents' rules then. ;)

~div

By Rajpriya

17.08.12 07:48 AM

@Divya S,

That was great fun stuff. Now that you have crossed out every possible proposal idea any future guy needs to really break his brain. Do the present day guys have any? Mustafa shopping center is the most unromantic joint in S’pore may be a place to talk of divorce proceedings. You should have had interviews on the giant wheel and pushed your rejections out one by one and what a great service to protect womankind.

In my days it was better I just had to look into B/W photos and imagine what the future could have in store for me. I almost ended up marrying mother in laws because they seemed better than (the unknown devil) your future half.

By Divya S

17.08.12 06:42 AM

@Uma- thanks! I do think there's enough material for a book- but I do hold on to hope for my happy ending before I wrote one. ;)

By uma

17.08.12 06:33 AM

That was a series of plots that would eventually take into a shape of a book .A nice article about the so called marriage market :D

And about the ad on the top,wow interesting .Hope I could make it

By Bee

17.08.12 05:43 AM

OMGGG this surely struck a cord with me babes... I had to undergo similar torture with guys having a complete list/question paper for me.... Even I thought I'd hit/push-from-the-hill atleast one of them.. LOL
wishing you luck though *hugs* and hope to read more from you :)