Monday, January 26, 2009

I went to church this morning, actually set my alarm to make it in time. I haven't gone in a while, and was excited to be there. Hubsy stayed home, and to my shock it didn't even effect me.

See, in my home growing up we didn't go to church, but GOD was a HUGE presence in our lives. And by huge, I mean that my mom was a born again Christian, could speak in tongues, and at a very young age took us to bible study with her. We were taught about the relationship we could have with Jesus, a loving, strong, and faithful bond, and even though my mom stopped speaking in tongues and going to bible classes as we got older my faith still stayed with me because the foundation was so strong.

Hubsy on the other hand, grew up being made to go to church every Sunday and was taught a religion, not a relationship. I am not saying this is wrong, but it doesn't mesh well when put together with mine.

So here is how a typical Sunday would go. I would get up, wake hubsy 3 or 4 times reminding him about church. We would go, sit down and I would feel the spirit fill me and then I would look over at him. Sitting there with his arms crossed tightly, not singing or acting involved, he totally smooshed my "Christ buzz". I would begin to worry why he wasn't feeling what I was feeling, would he also be like this. Would the man I chose to spend my life with decide he didn't want Christ to be a part in our lives? So, I simple stopped going to church and stopped asking him to go with me.

Then last week I had a great conversation with an old friend. She has recently been going to church where she lives, getting involved, and worshipping and she gave me some advice. She said, "You have to do it for yourself, even if you go alone. Make this about you and GOD, not your husband. You will change, and your husband will eventually follow." She talked about how it took a year of her faithfully going with the kids, but her husband has followed and began to worship and reflect on his own now. It was then that everything clicked in my mind, and I decided to try again.

Everything was working against me this morning, I woke up and got ready to leave only to see that the first morning service started 15 minutes before I had gotten out the door. I decided to go to the second service. Then, I started to not feel well (being pregnant can do that to you) I was tired, and began to rationalize laying back down. I told myself this was about me though, and I needed to go.

Once there I found a seat with not too many people around and made myself comfortable. I sang along and greeted those around me, slowyly feeling myself get back into the groove, when all the sudden a group of 5 or 6 moved into my row, and sat right in the seat next to me. Great, now I am sitting by strangers and I cannot be myself and let go. Phooey.

I did my best to listen, and actually began taking notes. At the close of service we were singing and inviting people to come forward. My feet began walking before I had time to think and there I was, in the front row singing and crying. The pastor came over and I let it all come out. I told him of how I was in and out of religion, making committments and then falling to the wayside. How this time I want to make it work, want to devote my life to GOD, to make it a priority, and be accountable for my Christianity. After the singing was over, the pastor announced all of us at the front, some prayer requests, and some like me wanting to belong. I went back to my chair and the man, the stranger who sat so close to me, smiled and shook my hand. "I've been there before, stay strong and pray. GOD will be here"

Once service was over I was approached by many women, inviting me to MOPS, and Sunday bible study. One woman I met even lived across from me when I was two years old and knew my mother. It is a strange web Jesus plans for our lives. I strange and interesting web.

Tonight I started reading my new bible (gift to myself for the committment) and found a passage that was highlighted in today's message on meaningful relationships. I liked it alot and decided to post it here, thus starting "Scripture Sundays". Please feel free to read it and post any thoughts or comments on your mind.

Romans 12:9-21 (New King James Version)

Behave Like a Christian

9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. 17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore

“ If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b]

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My sister means the world to me, and I hope she knows that. Lately, things have gotten way messed up for her, and I know she is using alcohol to cope and ease her fear and pain. She is surrounded by people that love her though, and understand why she needs this time. I've been there too. This song is dedicated to her, from me, to tell her I will always be here, and that when she is ready to find herself again I will still be here waiting. :)

"Sober"P!nk

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudestOr the girl who never wants to be aloneI don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ahhhh-Ahhh, the sun is blindingI stayed up againOh, I'm findingThat's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, Nothing can touch meWhy do I feel this party's over?No pain insideYou're my protectionBut how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence.. The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truthPlease don't tell me that we had that conversation'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ahhhh-Ahhh, the night is callingAnd it whispers to me softly, "come play"I am fallingAnd if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, Nothing can touch meBut why do I feel this party's over?No pain insideYou're like perfectionBut how do I feel this good sober?

When it's good, then it's goodIt's all good 'till it goes bad'Till you try to find the you that you once hadI have heard myself cry, never again!Broken down in agonyJust trying to find a friendOhhh

Whoahhh

I'm safe up high, Nothing can touch meWhy do I feel this party's over?WhoahhhNo pain insideYou're like perfectionBut how do I feel this good sober?

Whoahhh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch meWhy do I feel this party's over?Why do I feel this party's over?WhoahhhNo pain inside, you're like perfectionBut how do I feel this good sober?Why do I feel this party's over?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I have been without a full time job for over 3 months now, and panic is beginning to set in. When we bought this house last year, both hubsy and I had good full time jobs. We worked for the same company, he making over $2000 a month, and me making over $1000 a month. This allowed us to pay our house payment of $1200 and all of our bills and still have some money left over. Now, we are struggling, I cannot find a job, and I am starting to panic. I do not know if we could sell this house without losing money in this economy so we could move to a smaller place or an apartment.

I had been planning to use some money to rent a booth at the Baby Expo in Saint Charles and get more business to make more money to contribute to my family. However the money had to be spent to get me a new computer when my old one, full of all my business files and everything decided to stop powering up. So I had to buy a new computer, and granted I got it on clearance, but still now my advertising budget is completely gone.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

When I was young, my mother always said, "The world does not revolve around you, contrary to what you think." I thought she was crazy, and was always insulted by this statement. Of course she didn't really think I thought that! I mean come on, Me? I am the most empathetic and sensitive person I know. I constantly think of others before myself. However as of tonight, I realize that what my mother accused me of was correct.

I do in fact believe the world revolves around me.

It's not like I think it on purpose though. I just seem to not realize that when hubsy is reading a book, it is not the best time to sit next to him and talk about what we could do to fix up the house. When I am watching tv, and want a drink, of course I think that hubsy will stop what he is doing in the room even further from the kitchen and get me a drink because I asked. Where did this "queen" complex start.

It is even worse with my thoughts. I will have a conversation with someone and then later remember the conversation, and begin speaking again, at the very sentence I left off in my mind. Most of the time this sentence does not usher in what I was thinking about and people end up looking at me and being confused because they do not remember that we were talking about the thing earlier, or I may even leave out the thing I was talking about. It's as if my thoughts are the only thoughts, and of course they are what everyone else is thinking of too.

Silly, I know.

Anyhoo, I figured this all out tonight when I once again interrupted hubsy with talk about what to do around the house. He was reading his book, and I just took no notice and sat down next to him and started talking. His face fell and he closed his book. It was then that I realized my selfish behavior was not only partially - ok totally - annoying, but it was hurtful to him to think that I really didn't care about what he was choosing to do and wanting to do. That I just assumed I was more important. I do not want to do that again.

Another thing he told me was that the other day, when he felt he was finally opening up and sharing something with me about his book and I interrupted the conversation and talked about something I thought about, and left the room, it really really hurt him and disouraged him from opening up again. I am completely guilty of that, and I really want to nurture his growing communication, and keep us moving forward so tonight, I apologized when I caught myself, sincerely apologized and I think he understands.

We both have something to work on, and will both help each other work on our faults; his bad communication, and my willingness to believe that I am the sun and everything else revolves around me. At least we both have faults, and that is what I love about us.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

This past week I have been having lots of different emotions and I couldn't really decide which song to post, so I am posting both.

"I Hate This Part"PussyCat Dolls

We're driving slow through the snowOn fifth avenueAnd right now radio isAll that we can hear

Man we ain't talked since we leftIt's so overdueIt's cold outsideBut between usIt's worse in here

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right nowI know this is the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longerThought that we were strongerAll we do is lingerSlipping through our fingersI don't want to try nowAll that's left is goodbye toFind a way that I can tell youI hate this part right hereI hate this part right hereI just can't take your tearsI hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same old sceneSeems we're bound by the laws of the same routineGotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleepBut will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right nowI know this is the part where the end startsI can't take it any longerThought that we were strongerAll we do is lingerSlipping through our fingersI don't want to try nowAll that's left is goodbye toFind a way that I can tell youI hate this part right hereI hate this part right hereI just can't take your tearsI hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold onAnd carry on like nothing is wrongBut there is no more time for liesCause I see sun set in your eyes

I can't take it any longerThought that we were strongerAll we do is lingerSlipping through our fingersI don't want to try nowAll that's left is goodbye toFind a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do thisI gotta do itI gotta do itI hate this part

I gotta do itI gotta do itI gotta do it

I hate this part right hereI hate this part right hereI just can't take these tearsI hate this part right here

*****The second one*****

"Gotta Be Somebody"Nickelback

This time, I wonder what it feels likeTo find the one in this life, the one we all dream ofBut dreams just aren't enoughSo I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feelingThe moment when we're meeting, will play out like a sceneStraight off the silver screenSo I'll be holding my breath, right up 'til the endUntil that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one thereCause everyone wants to feel like someone caresSomeone to love with my life in their handsThere's gotta be somebody for me like thatCause nobody wants to do it on their ownAnd everyone wants to know they're not aloneThere's somebody else that feels the same somewhereThere's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlightAnd dammit this feels too right, it's just like déja vuMe standing here with youSo I'll be holding my breath, could this be the end?Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one thereCause everyone wants to feel like someone caresSomeone to love with my life in their handsThere's gotta be somebody for me like thatCause nobody wants to do it on their ownAnd everyone wants to know they're not aloneThere's somebody else that feels the same somewhereThere's gotta be somebody for me out there

You can't give up, (when you're looking for) a diamond in the rough (cause you never know)When it shows up, (make sure you're holding on)Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting onCause nobody wants to be the last one thereAnd everyone wants to feel like someone caresSomeone to love with my life in their handsThere's gotta be somebody for me, oh

Nobody wants to do it on their ownAnd everyone wants to know they're not aloneThere's somebody else that feels the same somewhereThere's gotta be somebody for me out thereNobody wants to be the last one thereCause everyone wants to feel like someone caresThere's somebody else that feels the same somewhereThere's gotta be somebody for me out there

Monday, January 12, 2009

I know to many people I am "complicated", with many moods, personalities, and faces. To me, I just think I am multi-faceted like a diamond. Smooth sometimes, beautiful mostly, and sometimes when the time warrants it, I can cut through glass.

Either way, I cannot change the fact that my mood can change on a dime, like it did this morning.

See, most of the time I am very flexible, can be spontaneous, and roll with the punches. I mean, if you show up with a suitcase and a tank of gas count me in for the road trip. BUT. . . If I have something going on, and have a well thought out plan with time management included and you through in a kink I get so pissed off and everything that happens following that kink is DIRECTLY your fault and you will feel the blame.

Case in point.

Today I have a newborn session at 1, and I had my plan thought out. My alarm was set to give me optimum time around the house for cleaning, showering, and getting my equiptment together. This plan was based on my hubsy getting LO up and taking her to daycare this morning.

That was the plan.

However, this morning when I started to stir at 8:30 I rolled over to view my daughter's bed and she was still there snuggled in her covers. I bleary eyed stared at the clock to make sure I was seeing this correctly. 8:35. Yep, hubsy left her here for me to get dressed, cleaned and out the door.

I lay there slowly getting upset that I couldn't sleep the extra 20 minutes til my alarm. I thought to myself "He must have been really tired this morning and decided to let me handle the daycare drive. Ok, well I can understand that. If he was nice enough to leave me a note or send me a quick text showing me that he understands that this will inevitably mess up my day, if he shows in anyway that he gets what I might go through this morning, I will forgive him."

No text. No note. No symbolence anywhere in our home that he gave one single thought to how this would effect my day.

Now I am Pissed.

We just freaking had this talk on Saturday, how he just needs to show me a little bit that he cares about my time, and what I have to do, or might do. And yet, here he did it again. No care, not even a thought across his mind that he might have just put me in any kind of bind. Fucking Selfish. UGH.

So then of course I couldn't find my keys, and wasted an hour looking for them. His fault.

I hit my head getting into the car in a rush. His fault.

Now it is eleven, I got NOTHING done this morning around the house or work wise, I have to get in the shower or I will miss my appointment and I didn't even have my coffee yet. His fault.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Ravelry.com is a great site for knitters and crocheters to come together and share projects and patterns. It's sort of like the "Myspace" for crafters. I found the site in April when I taught myself to knit, and was thrilled to see all the fun things you could make and all the people in my area who knitted that I could knit with too.

I have been pretty busy as of late, with the surrogacy transfer so close (next Wednesday) and haven't been able to finish many of my projects let alone post them to Ravlery, but I was particularly proud of this hat. Lorelei asked speccifically that I make it, and it was the first time I ever tried the little bobbles!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Today's lyrics are from the best song for me Circus. I love to listening to this song because it truly explains exactly the type of woman I am. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am "drama queen" who loves attention and commands the room. I lost that for awhile, but it's all coming back now, and I love it!

CircusBritney Spears

There's only two types of people in the worldthe ones that entertainand the ones that observe

well baby I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girldont like the backseatgotta be first

I'm like the ringleaderI call the shotsI'm like a fire crackerI make it hotwhen I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veinsspotlight on me and I'm ready to breakI'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stagebetter be ready, hope that ya feel the same

all eyes on me in the center of the ringjust like a circuswhen I crack that whip, everybody gonna tripjust like a circusdon't stand there watching mefollow me, show me what you can doeverybody let go, we can make a dance floorjust like a circus

there's only two types of guys out thereOnes that can hang with meand ones that are scaredso baby, I hope that you came preparedI run a tight ship, so beware

I'm like the ringleaderI call the shotsI'm like a fire crackerI make it hotwhen I put on a show

I feel the adrenaline moving through my veinsspotlight on me and I'm ready to breakI'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stagebetter be ready, hope that ya feel the same

all eyes on me in the center of the ringjust like a circuswhen I crack that whip, everybody gonna tripjust like a circusdon't stand there watching mefollow me, show me what you can doeverybody let go, we can make a dance floorjust like a circus

let's golet me see what you can doI'm running this (like,like a circus)yeah, like a what (like a circus)

Last year on Christmas we woke Lo up at 5 am to open her presents. Why so early? We needed to be at my mom's house one hour away before my little sister woke up at about 8 am. Then from there we went to my MIL's and then to my grandmother's house. It was all too much. Not only were we exhausted, but Lo was so overstimulated that she barely enjoyed any of it.

This year however, hubsy and I decided to host Christmas at our house, and anyone that wanted to see us would have to come here.

I was so excited to have the holiday here, and we invited my mom, stepdad, sisters, and brother all to stay over at our house on Christmas Eve. That way we could all be together on my mom's birthday (Christmas Eve) and the kids (Lo and my 5 year old sister) could open the presents as soon as they woke up. It was great.

Hubsy, my brother, and sister (24) stayed up late to play Santa. We wrapped all the presents in special Santa paper, ate the cookies, and continued the tradition of writing a note from Santa.

When the kids woke up I, paper was flying everywhere and giggles filled the air.

Lo opening her gifts. Diapers!

Lo and Auntie P opening gifts.

Auntie P is giving Lo a makeover.

After her makeover. So Glamorous!

I cooked my first Christmas dinner of Ham, Deviled Eggs, and green bean casserole and sweet potato mash with marshmallows. (It took me three tries to brown the marshmallows on top, my broiler burned the first two!) I was really happy, and my brother caught it all with my camera which means, hooray! I am in some of the shots!!!!