Month: October 2019

#morningstorm #stormyweather #ourlynchburg #randomphotoshelpbreakuptheday #godscanvas #nobodypaintslikegod #phototherapy #jenzphelps #jenz #feedmysoul #shelter #prespective #countyourblessing #findingmybliss #foodforthought #emptyyourmind #healing #lettinggo
Perspective
I woke up to the sound of the storm…
My first thought was…
I hope my clients that are homeless have shelter… That statement right there, sorta puts all of life into perspective.
No matter, your pain, your hurt, your wounds… Do you have a warm bed?
Did you have a hot meal?
Warm bath this week?
Do you have a roof over your head?
A job to go to?
Then… life isnt quite as bad as it was 1 minute ago…
Right?!
You have tools….
To make things better….
Tools to help you heal you pain,
Get through your hurt…
And
Heal your wounds!
Perspective….
God has a way.. .
Of talking to us .
When we listen!
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

I thought if I could love you enough in our 40s….
You would love me like you did when we were 16!
The love you showed me, when we were kids!
The friendship we had!
The bond, that carried us through childhood….
I pushed you away…. back then!
I didn’t know what to do with all that love you had to give!
I honestly…. didn’t really understand it!
I wasn’t even sure, I was worthy!
Your friendship…..
Carried me… out of some of my darkest places in life, over the years.
It was the light in your eyes,
The light in your smile,
The warmth from your hugs….
That I clung to!
I never had to say, too many words…
I could always rest assured….
Your eyes… were upon me!
There was such, comfort in that!

I never really felt the loss of you,
Over the years….
I carried you with me…
In my mind, heart, thoughts…
You were never too far away!
There was always, comfort in that.

I always felt I was in your heart!
I never questioned where I stood…
Because you made sure of that!
You always made me a priority….
At least… to my knowledge…
At least …. when I was around!
You made me feel…..
Valued! Unique! Like noone or nothing could ever replace; what we had!
It was ours… and ours alone!

When all the world was going bad!
I always… had that!
You!
My one great, memory!
My one great moment in life!

So why in our 40s….
Did we destroy… the one great thing we had?
The one perfect moment from life untouched from all the chaos life tends to add?
Why now in my 40s…
Am I finally ready to love you….
Yet you… run scared?

Why now in our 40s…
did you reach back out?
Why now in our 40s…
Do we find ourselves no longer able to communicate?
Why now in our 40s….
Does it all become so complicated?

Why now?
Can I no longer feel your presence with me?

Why now?
Do you no longer make time for me?

Why now?
Am I no longer special to you?

Do you have any idea how that kills my spirit?
Do you ?…
When all I can think of and do is put your needs first!

I will never understand the road maps God hands out!
I get he has picked out each individuals finall destination….
But….
Never in my wildest dreams,
Would I imagine the levels of anguish and pain, one would have to endure…
Just to walk there!

I am tired….
I am so tired of hurting!
I am exhausted to be honest!
It never seems to end.

I really don’t understand anymore,
No matter how many times, I read the map….
How many times, I look at the key…
How many times, I stay on the path!
Go off the path, stay true, follow my moral compass, do the right thing, time and time again…….

I find myself……
Right…. back….. here!
Standing
In
The
Crossroads
Of
Pain!

We go through seasons….. in 2017… I was at the height of my weight! I had been in a high stress job for over 10 years, with a stressful work environment. I had been dealing with Summers medical problems, her brain surgeries, doctors appointments, started back college, doubled majored and the bottom left photo was taken my graduation from Liberty on 5-17-2017…. The right lower corner was in 2013. Haley sent me the lower left two photos today… showing me the difference!

I don’t know who that girl is from 2017!

I do however, know how I got here today! A friend, woke me up! He pulled me up from a fog I was living in…. So detached from everything, so focused on work, school…. I was keeping busy to avoid living!

It was my way of coping with the things going on with Summer that I wasn’t able to control!

God has a way of bringing people into our lives, to help us, teach us lessons… we might be focused… thinking WE are helping them!

When in fact….

God is using them… to do miracles; in our lives! I am grateful… for the lessons, life & God bring me…

I fell for every cliche you threw at me… Like some lost love sick puppy!

You will never truly understand the anger I have at myself for that!

The anger that builds in me for you!

They say… you go through stages of grief …. mourning, if you will…

I guess the initial shock… has warn off!

I go from worry…. to anger, at the rate of a mock 2 jet engine taking off!

There’s a fire inside me….

Burning so hot!

It boils….

My veins feel, like molten lava are flowing inside them!

There is a constant movie reel now playing inside my head….

24-7….

Staring…. You!

And the fall out… of your mass self destruction!!!

You scream….

How, not one person cares!

How you feel so shattered inside …

Yet… truth is!

You are this deceptive lighthouse…

Drawing us all in…..

Its everyone around you…. that is broken and shattered…

As we draw in close to reach out… as you pull us in with your lies and deceptions ! Such a tangled web you weave….

How many prey…. Have you caught? In that web of yours?

I should have known better!

I was supposed to be smarter than this!

I knew of you charm… I knew!!!

I watched you… spin your web since we were kids! I knew all the tricks!

You went too far!

My emotions are like the angry sea…..

They just want to lash out at you right now! My spirit & soul just don’t have the heart or energy for it…. it just seems pointless ; to be honest.

Besides…..

What point would there be? The damage done…. has…. been done! You took the most valuable piece of me… My trust…. My Love, my heart! The very thing I have held onto…. You were freely given….. it cost me dearly…. And you…. just!…. discarded anything we built…. that Foundation of friendship… our bond, I thought was so soiled… so strong!

You disregarded it….. as if…. it were a hobby…. you simply got bored with! Tossed aside…. Until… you needed it again ….. Until…… I…. Found out… Until… my eyes were truly opened… to what… my instincts…. knew!

I was always…. living..

In a day dream….. when it came to you!a memory… of our past! That you… have now… trashed!

Today…. was a much needed, s#selfcare, family time and all around Good day!

I realized something today; for the first time in 3 years, you did not enter my thoughts! You did not consume my day, with worry and anguish. I was at peace!

I found joy again, for the first time in a very long time. I smiled, laughed, felt carefree, light hearted throughout an entire day! There were no tears, no heavy sighs, no holding my breath with worry. There was no, anxiety at all! I am starting to like the new version of life, without you!

It was never that… I needed you! It was that… I allowed myself to love you. Love you completely, unconditionally, and without reservations. I trusted you completely… Something I never allowed myself to do before.

Something…. I may, never do again!

Today I realized that, just maybe… we are ALL born, Beautifully Broken…

Perhaps the purpose of life; is as we find our way, we mend those cracks, heal those wounds, and maybe it’s the light inside us that shines through our Broken cracks and pieces, that allows others to find us, perhaps even helping us to heal… mending those cracks…

Those pieces that fall by the way side… maybe… just maybe! They are the missing pieces; that are meant to be found by others, we meet on our journey in life… perhaps!

The fallen pieces… are meant for them?… Maybe God designed it all that way!

Maybe… All the hurt, saddness, anger, pain, and suffering we feel inside; is meant to carve out pieces from ourselves, meant to fall off by the wayside, just waiting,…. Perhaps those pieces… now belong to someone else… Maybe…

Just May…. God; was carving out space… to fill you with something far more beautiful; than we ever imagined!

Perhaps by the end… When all is said and done, all the hurt, pain, suffering, was really just preparing us… For something … Something that will make us whole!

Perhaps…. we truly are… Beautifully Broken ; by Gods own design!

Today…. I left a few pieces…. of my hurt, suffering, & pain…. by the wayside!