Saturday, May 6, 2017

USA UP ALL NIGHT WEEK: Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama (1988)

Dir. David DeCoteau

Reviewed By Goat Scrote

The pastel opening titles and upbeat synth-rock let you know that you are entering a time vortex back to the 1980s, when fashions were awesomely bitchin’ and everything was just a little more radically tubular than it is now. “Sorority Babes” starts off as a formulaic 80’s teen sex comedy which takes a left turn into a goofy C-grade horror story. It’s an extremely stupid but fun film with quite generous helpings of T&A. The version I saw on the USA Network must have been cut to hell in order for it to be aired on TV. There’s no significant gore, but plenty of full nudity.

One of the more notable things about the movie is that it is packed to the brim with female icons of B-horror. The tough biker chick with a heart of gold is played by legend Linnea Quigley. Scream queen Michelle Bauer is Lisa, a sorority pledge undergoing initiation. Taffy, the other pledge, is played by model, actress, and marine biologist - I kid you not - Brinke Stevens. I have tremendous respect for anyone with a range of accomplishments like hers!

Freud would have something to say about this.

Trashmeister David DeCoteau has directed everything from gay porn to sappy children’s films in his prolific career, but one of his staples is cheesy horror with plenty of skin on display. In other films he has made an admirable attempt to be an equal-opportunity purveyor of sleaze by getting attractive members of both sexes to take off their clothes. In “Sorority Babes” it’s almost entirely the female body on display, but they are rather fetching bodies. I suspect this has something to do with the lasting appeal of this flick!

The movie opens on three dorky college boys hanging around looking for something to do. Jimmie (Hal Havins) and Keith (John Stuart Wildman) hatch a scheme to spy on the Tri-Delta sorority initiation. They drag along their friend Calvin (Andras Jones). Calvin is watching DeCoteau’s movie "Creepozoids" (1987) during this scene.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

At the “Felta Delta” house, queen bee Babs (Robin Stille) and her minions Frankie (Carla Baron) and Rhonda (Kathi O’Brecht) haze their sorority pledges. The two girls, Lisa and Taffy (Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens), are stripped to their undies and paddled over the back of a couch. Next they are sprayed all over with whipped cream, to the great delight of the boys watching from outside.

The three stooges decide to sneak into the house to spy on the pledges showering off the mess. They get to see plenty of boobs and bush before they get caught. The creatively sadistic ringleader, Babs, has them over a barrel. Either they do what she says or she calls the cops and reports the three peeping-tom housebreakers.

Bowling Dicks, coming soon to CBS

The pledges are forced to team up with the pervs to break into the bowling alley at the local mall. They must steal a trophy to prove they were there. What the pledges don’t know is that Babs’ father owns the mall, so she plans to watch the hijinks from the mall security control room and mess with the pledges. The mall security cameras have excellent audio pickups so she can listen, too. Whatever.

While breaking in, Babs and her minions accidentally lock the mall janitor in a room without noticing. The foul-mouthed janitor is played by the ubiquitous George “Buck” Flower, under the name C.D. LaFleur. This is the same alias he adopted when he appeared in the first two “Ilsa” films. I can see Flowers distancing himself from the degenerate “Ilsa” series, but come on Buck, “Sorority Babes” was just a slightly naughty teen sex comedy with an evil muppet. Anyway, I think the janitor should have been the hero who saves the day and ends up with Linnea Quigley, because I have a soft spot for ol’ Buck and his grizzled charm.

You look like...

Linnea Quigley?!?

PREPARE YOUR FACEFOR MY SMOOCHIES!

Inside the bowling alley the five intrepid burglars encounter someone else breaking into the cash register, the spandex-clad Spider (Linnea Quigley). There is some badly written, badly delivered ‘catty’ dialogue between the pledges and Spider. Calvin tries awkwardly hitting on Spider and she shuts him down repeatedly.

The kids grab the biggest trophy but on their way out, it gets broken and releases light and mist. The trophy was prison to the wisecracking, wish-granting demon Uncle Impie (Michael Sonye, using the alias Dukey Flyswatter for some reason). He has a deep voice which sounds like a cross between a game-show host and a pimp, and is the furthest possible thing from scary. (Crank the ed. here. Dukey Flyswatter was in "Hollwood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) and was one of the titular villains in "Surf Nazis Must Die" (1987). He also had a band called Haunted Garage.)

Move over Cat's Eye troll, here comes Uncle Impie!

Impie offers everyone a single wish. Spider and Calvin warn the others about possible consequences and their general mistrust of Uncle Impie, but the others decide to make their simple-minded dreams come true. Jimmie wishes for gold and a bunch of gold ingots appear. Taffy wishes to be prom queen and gets an instant Cinderella makeover. Keith wishes to bone Lisa, and they depart for a locker room to have a little privacy.

The Imp forces Babs into the game by turning her minions into his minions. Frankie changes into the Bride of Frankenstein, while Rhonda develops a severe case of slimy green monster-face. When Babs tries to flee the mall she is zapped by a magical barrier and knocked unconscious.

Don't be so negative, Rhonda.

Around now the wishes start turning bad. The gold is painted wood and the prom dress is rags. Then Monsterface and the Bride suddenly attack. Jimmie gets his face worked over in a ball cleaner, then he gets decapitated and Monsterface goes bowling with his head.

Spider and Calvin barricade themselves in a storage room but are found by Monsterface. Luckily, some careless employee has left a handgun and a couple of bullets laying around. What the fuck…? Spider shoots Monsterface, which only stops her temporarily.

Bitch, don't test me. I will swallow your soul.

Prom Queen Taffy is terrorized by the Bride. When Taffy takes a club to her crazed pursuer it just slows down the magic-fueled monster. Taffy ends up getting caught between both evil minions, who have a “Taffy pull”… har har, get it? She is pulled in two off-camera while being used as the rope in their tug-of-war.

Keith and Lisa are still making out, but she is being way too aggressive and he is having second thoughts about the ethics of mind-controlling another person into having sex with him. Keith leaves her there so he can have a moment to think, only to get his face deep-fried in the kitchen by Monsterface.

Extreme ambush makeover!

Babs is hiding behind the lanes in the bowling alley when she is cornered by the Imp. He explains that his purpose is to torment human beings. Monsterface shows up for a tussle, and ends up falling down on one of the lanes, where she is bowled to death by Spider! How the hell do you score that?

The janitor eventually escapes the closet. He meets up with the other survivors and fills in the backstory. The imp was summoned decades before to help a guy who was a wiz at black magic but not so hot when it came to his bowling scores. When Impie started killing people, it was trapped inside the bowling trophy. Sure, good enough explanation for me.

No! Wire! Hangers!

Nothing a little foundation

and some blush can't fix.

Babs the Dominatrix finds Lisa alone, in her lingerie, and she pulls out a whip and a giant black paddle. She kills Lisa with the paddle off-screen. Spider is elsewhere making Molotov cocktails when Babs attacks her. They get into a major cat-fight before the evil dominatrix gets Molotoved. The janitor is stabbed to death in his hideout by the Bride. Then the evil minion chases Spider and Calvin with an axe, but is herself decapitated. The Bride's head strikes the door of the mall and Impie's magic cancels itself out, giving them an exit. Spider sends Calvin to get his car, but Monsterface is in the back seat, still kicking after all. They crash and the car flips.

Meanwhile Spider sneaks up and catches the imp in a tobacco tin, ending his brief reign of terror. Total body count: 8. They leave the tin with the imp in it sitting on the sidewalk in front of the bowling alley, which seems pretty fucking irresponsible. Maybe they were hoping for a sequel. Calvin crawls out of the wreck more or less unhurt and rides away with Spider on the back of her bike. She is taking him back to her place to have wild steamy sticky pity sex. Talk about a happy ending for Calvin!

I'm SO sure.

Horror heroine uses yonic weapon to deal with thedomineering masculinity of the villain, symbolicallyenfolding him in her womb and taking away his power,proving this is actually a highly intellectual feminist film.