Not our headline but a quote from the Daily Express website today. The irony is obvious considering that the Express has been waving the Brexit flag for years and slagging the EU off at every available opportunity with a barrage of unfounded accusations. This from a “reputable” news outlet (Questionable at best) that tried to pin the blame for the Grenfell Tower atrocity on the EU.

With all due disrespect, it’s a bit fucking late to be telling your bottom-feeding readers that Brexit isn’t actually such a good thing at all, that it’s going to cost us a fortune and that we’d have been better off not touching the Express’s flagship “policy” with a bargepole. What’s good for Mr Desmond isn’t necessarily good for the morons who have voraciously devoured all the bollocks it’s printed over the years.

Quelle surprise!

Still, if we’re to believe any of their bollocks it won’t be so bad after all. We’ll all be wiped out by a rogue asteroid, taken over by the Lizard People or wiped out by some cataclysmic weather event before the full effects of a cliff edge Brexit kick in.

A Britain First insider exclusively revealed today that the far-right group’s leader, Paul Golding has been advised to lay off the kebabs for a while or run the risk of becoming a really, really, fat bastard. BF members expressed concern over the portly gobshite’s rapidly expanding girth, which can be clearly seen on recently released Britain First clips.

“He’s a bugger for an extra large doner with salad and lashings of garlic sauce,” the insider confided. “He often has two a day and he’s on first name terms with the staff at Ali Bullo’s Kebab and Pizza Grill in Swanley. Jayda’s forever nagging him about being a porker but he takes no notice. It was only when Doctor Hassan warned him to lay off the kebabs, and exercise more or risk getting type 2 diabetes that he started paying attention.”

Kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo commented: “Him come in shop two three times every day. Is good customer but him no really like us. Him smile to face only for kebab – is best in Swanley, but deep in heart him hate us. Is why Mehmet put little extra protein in garlic sauce, if you get what I mean.”

We asked Paul Golding for a comment but one of his minions told us he was out somewhere flogging tat in a shopping centre off a rickety table.

Please Like Share and Retweet or we’ll start posting pics of abused kittens.

The new group, known as FOE (F*ck Off Europe) is the brainchild of Café Spike reporter Paddy Berzinski, in response to the fragmented Brexit movement.

“It’s all a bit messy at the moment,” Berzinski said. “There are too many opposing factions supporting the Brexit, so my idea is to unify the movement. The average British xenophobe must feel like they’re being hit about the head with a cricket bat as they try to absorb the sheer number of opposing groups who all essentially want the same thing.

“Our aim at FOE is to unite all the different groups who want to leave the EU. FOE membership only costs £250 and for that you’ll get a badge, a newsletter, a window poster and a unified Brexit movement, so it’s really good value for moneywhen you think about it.

“We’re basing our leave campaign on the motto: What has Europe ever done for us?

“The whole concept of European union is patently ridiculous. We pay all that money in and yet they don’t even send us some half decent weather in return. They just make up daft rules about bent bananas fair pay and reasonable working hours. And don’t even get me started on their stupid safety legislation. If I want to buy cheap electrical goods that might burst into flames at any moment that should be my choice. I don’t need some stupid European bureaucrat who wouldn’t know how to wire a plug up telling me what to do.”

*To join FOE, simply send us £250 in used banknotes. It’s not often you get the chance to take your country back, regain control of your borders and kick out all the foreigners for a paltry £250.

In the complicated world of international news media, poor old Café Spike comes way down in the pecking order when it comes to publishing articles of national importance. It’s been six weeks since we submitted our application to run an article slamming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn – and we finally got permission from the Ministry Of Disinformation this morning, personally signed off by Robert Danvers-Fotheringay, the Ministry’s Senior Minister.

Our brief was simple – dish the dirt on Corbyn and spread it liberally all over social media. Except…it wasn’t quite so simple. As any reporter worth his/her salt would do as a matter of course, we trawled through existing articles which purported to dish the dirt on Corbyn, and quite frankly they weren’t very impressive.

As usual the Express and the Mail led the pack with a zeal bordering on bloodlust, and the remarkable revelation surfaced that Corbyn has been married twice! Oh, the scandal! The impact of this hard hitting exclusive was somewhat dulled when his first wife revealed that they had separated amicably and remain on good terms. She also revealed that Jeremy was the stay at home type who liked to spend his evenings relaxing and eating cold baked beans from the tin. The late Keith Moon probably wouldn’t have been very impressed by that – Moon probably had more remarkable trips to the toilet in his heyday.

‘He talks to terrorists!’ the tabloids screamed. People like Hamas, the IRA, Hezbollah, and probably Hannibal Lecter, the Yorkshire Ripper and Satan himself. Corbyn supporters argue that the job of a politician is to tackle problems, and that problems can’t be tackled without dialogue. Bugger! That’s another angle flying out the window.

All that’s happened in the concerted media campaign to blacken Corbyn’s character is that it’s backfired spectacularly. Instead of smearing Corbyn – they’ve served only to enhance his reputation as a straight talking, thoughtful, honest politician. Until now.

In a shocking Café Spike exclusive, we can exclusively reveal in our exclusive that Mr Corbyn has an Achilles heel. When tasked with dishing the dirt, Café Spike never fails to come up with the goods, and it all happened right under the noses of hordes of press and TV reporters.

Following the announcement of Mr Corbyn’s landslide victory in the Labour leadership election, his first move was to go with crowds of supporters and the media to The Sanctuary, a pub and hotel situated on Tothill Street in the heart of Westminster, a short walk from Parliament and St James’s Park underground station.

One of our reporters has been in The Sanctuary – Martin Shuttlecock once visited the establishment to attend a meeting, and from what he says about it, it isn’t the sort of place where a potential Prime Minister should be hanging out.

“As soon as I walked in there the alarm bells started ringing,” Shuttlecock told us. “Somebody said that a rat had poked its head in the door – and this in broad daylight – but the barman put it down to construction work going on down the street. Then as I purchased a drink from the bar and took a seat I immediately noticed a crowd of men huddled around a TV set watching a West Ham game on the TV and cheering every time the Hammers did something useful with the ball. Suffice to say, they weren’t cheering much, but West Ham? I’ve seen ‘Green Street Hooligans’ so I know all about West Ham. For Jeremy Corbyn to go in that pub is a disgrace. He ought to be ashamed of himself. I know I was.”

One doesn’t normally expect political controversy in what is regarded as one of the safest Conservative seats in the country, yet somehow the Conservative party, aided and abetted by the local council seemed to have successfully achieved the political equivalent of poking the proverbial hornets’ nest with a sharp stick.

The current furore has historical roots in an ambitious development plan to the north of the town, known locally as Welborne; a plan embracing some 6,000 additional dwellings, which has been embraced by the council and vehemently opposed by residents of the borough. As Café Spike’s head office is in Fareham, and given that we have the right to express an opinion, our Editor In Chief, Martin Shuttlecock today issued a statement.

“There’s been a long-running dispute about this development proposal,” he told us. “On balance it appears that the local council have a vested interest in proceeding with the plan, whereas local residents have expressed deep – and quite reasonable concerns – over associated infrastructure problems. Whilst I accept that our country needs additional housing to meet the requirements stipulated by the government, it’s also quite reasonable to take into account the concerns of existing residents. These people are distinctly not NIMBY types; they’re concerned about a lack of affordable housing in the area, the destruction of a vast area of greenfield designated land in pursuit of further urbanisation, the provision of schools, the availability of medical treatment on a system which is already horrendously overstretched, endless traffic jams on already gridlocked roads and fears of becoming swallowed up by an endless urban sprawl.

“The furore, which was already blazing as a result of a lack of transparency by the local council – who appear to have a vision of a megalithic conurbation tentatively branded Solent City – was further inflamed when the Conservative party “parachuted” in out-of-towner candidate, Suella Fernandes to contest the seat at the forthcoming general election.

“Suella Fernandes is a Conservative candidate who has unsuccessfully contested seats in other constituencies in the past. According to reports she is a property lawyer who has been ‘parachuted’ in by the Conservative party at both local and national level with a mission to seal the Welborne deal, come what may, as evidenced by her immediate support for the Welborne project, despite not being in full possession of the relevant details.

“Some voters have expressed concerns that Fernandes has been conducting a below-the-belt campaign by claiming to be a local person who has the interests of local people at heart, and the voters don’t seem to be buying that.

“The bottom line is that she’ll be elected by a landslide, as Conservative candidates tend to be in this constituency, but I have to at least question her motivation in all this. The people of Fareham are good people, and my feeling is that they deserve the truth from the Conservatives at both national and council levels, and they aren’t getting that in my opinion.

“Of course, nobody would ever come out and make an honest statement to the effect of: We stand to make a fortune out of this, and so do the developers, so just kindly shut up and go away.

“Which is a shame, because the people deserve honesty, and they aren’t getting it at all. At least in my opinion.”

*The anti-Welborne/development group have a Facebook page – Fareham – Countryside Or More Housing – The Big Debate. Contributors to the page aren’t by any means fanatical; they’re actually quite accommodating and friendly on both sides of the argument. If you join the page your views will be respected and the participants are willing to discuss the issue without going overboard or being unreasonable. Unlike the prospective Member Of Parliament, who by all accounts has embraced the Welborne project yet blocked anyone from her Twitter feed with the temerity to question her claims.

Café Spike has no vested interest in the argument and acts purely as an independent observational entity.

If you’re one of those smart-arsed internet commentators who add the word ‘FACT!’ after posting some smugly conceited comment on an internet forum, you might not really want to read this article. Because the reality is that punching ‘FACT!’ out on your keyboard whilst foaming at the mouth doesn’t exactly bestow upon you an air of intellectual superiority.

It just makes you come across as a proper knob-head.

‘FACT!’ is the latest incarnation of POSTING A COMMENT IN UPPER CASE TYPE – which in itself automatically informs your reader that you have nothing worthwhile to say, but that you’re going to post in big shouty letters anyway. Because it takes prominence on screen.

It doesn’t.

Nobody with half a brain ever reads anything posted in Caps Lock because by its very nature it reveals itself to be moronic without having to take the trouble to read the content. Readers just know it’s going to be crap. End of.

That’s another one. End of. End of rarely ever exactly means that, because it isn’t the end of anything. It’s just an open invitation to continue an online argument. It’s designed to wind the ‘sheeple’ up.

Sheeple? That’s another irritating term, which implies that the commentator in question has all the answers, whereas the sheeple, a bit like sheep, tend to believe that things such as chemtrails, the illuminati, the New World Order, Reptilian alien space monsters, the Loch Ness monster and suchlike don’t exactly exist. They’re just the product of some fevered dream fired up in some lonely sad case’s bedroom.

These days, with the wonders of online communications all the sad cases can gather in cyberspace, together, and commune with like-minded delusional halfwits.

If you’re reading this and silently nodding to yourself in agreement, thinking that all the above mentioned ‘types’ are card carrying members of the tin foil hat brigade – then don’t. Because people who comment with words to the effect of ‘polish your tin foil hat up’ are just as fucking irritating.

Which brings us to the grammar nazis.

Now, we all appreciate that even the best of us make typos from time to time, especially if you’re messaging on a phone or an iPad, because it can be a bit fiddly, moreso if it’s done in haste. Like on a bus, train, or in a toilet cubicle at work. Most people understand that, and make allowances.

We’d argue though, that in some cases there are serial offenders – and strangely enough, they almost invariably appear to be politically minded right wing extremists. Who are ‘TAKING ARE COUNTRY BACK’ or some such bollocks.

We’d like to suggest that anyone who wants to take ‘are’ country back, or stop these marauding alien hordes from spreading ‘they’re’ filthy religion after storming ‘are boarders’ might use as a starting point getting to grips with their own fucking native language.

And, in closing, as is our wont, we leave you with: ‘VOTE UKIP!’

As seen ad nauseum all over comments pages on the likes of mail online and the express. Whether you actually choose to VOTE UKIP or not is none of our business. Suffice to say that Nigel Farage makes David Cameron and the late Rusty Lady look like left wing students embroiled in a poll tax riot – but hey…it’s your choice.

Want to end animal cruelty? VOTE UKIP! Want increased pensions and a fairer deal for the vulnerable? VOTE UKIP! Want to become an isolated nation cut off from our European neighbours? VOTE UKIP! Want to send every foreign born UK resident packing? VOTE UKIP!

Quite frankly we don’t give a toss what you do.

But we would be eternally grateful if some of you would confine your stupid thoughts, ideas and misguided messages to the inside of your own skulls and not share them with a mainly disinterested world.

It’s the online game that most everybody plays, but which few dare to mention. Candy Crush Saga – the point of which appears to be to blow up toffees until such time as there’s nothing left. That’s where the sugar crush kicks in and players can proceed to the next level. It’s the game of the century (for the moment at least) but it must be pointed out in the interests of humanity that Candy Crush Saga destroys lives.

As Michael Myers of Hatfield, Herts found out to his cost.

Myers, whilst pursuing a career as a novelist via self-publishing inadvertently stumbled upon an invitation on social networking site, Facebook, to try the game. It didn’t pan out well.

“I was experiencing an episode of writer’s block,” Myers explained. “I was part way through penning an erotic novel about vampires, aliens, zombies and psychopaths systematically destroying the town of Accrington in Lancashire when I hit a mental roadblock. I couldn’t for the life of me come up with the next line, so I went on Facebook and got connected to Candy Crush Saga. Life’s never been the same since.

“I was only looking for a temporary distraction, but before I knew it I was hooked. My psychiatrist tells me that it all probably started with Space Invaders – like an illness. By the time I got to Level 29 I’d started drinking heavily. I couldn’t complete the bugger. My wife even suffered a coronary as she was washing up and I didn’t even notice because I only had two jellies left and one move.

“Suffice to say I didn’t get to Level 30. That’s when I called an ambulance. The wife’s currently on life support and I still haven’t cracked Level 29. It’s all too stressful for me. I’m on crack cocaine, crystal meth and heroin now. I’ll crack Level 29 or die trying.”