If I were Contrarian-King of the United States

I have occasionally imagined how I would realistically change drug policy if I was President, or had some other poliitical power, and perhaps some day I’ll share that with you. However, today I decided to be different and imagined I was some kind of arbitrary King and decided to retaliate by being contrarian.

DEA agents who investigate doctors for prescribing pain medication must have other DEA agents perform any medical procedures (like heart transplants and brain surgery) that are needed by the agents. After all, if DEA agents know so much about medicine…

Putting a positive choice spin on drug testing, only those students not participating in extra-curricular activities can be drug tested, and only if there are extra-curricular options available and they still choose not to participate. In a related area, felons on parole can avoid drug tests by getting involved in community service volunteer projects. (actually, this one makes a little sense)

Law enforcement officers who are part of no-knock drug task forces must publicly list their names and addresses. Ordinary citizens are allowed to wander through their home between the hours of 11 pm and 4 am and look through their drawers.

Officers wishing to search a car for drugs must get a search warrant from a judge specifying the make, year, color and VIN, along with specific descriptions of the particular drugs they expect to find.

Law enforcement agencies wishing to keep proceeds from Asset Forfeitures must put up as bond an amount equal to the value of the assets seized. If a judge rules for the property owner, the property owner gets his assets back plus the bond, making a nice profit for his trouble.

School Principals who enforce zero-tolerance policies must get written permission from one of their students before taking an aspirin or any other medication (any time of day or night).

Any laws passed that have criminal penalties are automatically infinitely retroactive for those who voted for (or signed) the law. This means, for example, that any Congressmen who vote for enhanced drug possession penalties would be immediately liable under that law for any drugs they took when they were young.

The Drug Czar must wear a silly hat and a sign saying “I am a liar” whenever he goes out in public, and whenever he talks about drug statistics he must perform a leprechaun dance.

All DEA paperwork must be printed on hemp paper.

Inmates in federal prisons construct bongs and waterpipes, and these are sold through an online store run by the Justice Department, and administered by Tommy Chong.

Smugglers who are caught are sent back to their home country with their drugs and told to try again.

All law enforcement uniforms are made with material that smells just like marijuana to drug-sniffing dogs.

Added by readers:

Every police officer who does body cavity searches must submit to same before going off shift, just to be sure they aren’t smuggling confiscated drugs from the facility. Same goes for every prison guard going off shift. – anon

Those found to be in possession of cannabis are forced to smoke all they currently have in their possession, immediately, or face fines. – sIr watermelon

When raiding plantations those involved in the disposal by burning of the plants must stand down wind of the fire. – sIr watermelon

People who demonize marijuana should be forced to smoke it. I really believe many of them would come around. – Brutal Hugger

Officers found falsifying information should be jailed/executed for the same sentence of said crime that they are implying toward an innocent individual – David

During a field sobriety test, any cop who asks you to recite the alphabet backwards must first do it himself. If he fails he is arrested for suspicion of DUI. – scottp

All public employees must submit to periodic random tests to assure that they are not caffeine users. Failing is grounds for dismissal. – Steve

Be sure to visit the main Drug WarRant page regularly for all the latest news, analysis and rants on the drug war.