Thursday, March 26, 2009

I have a friend whose encouragement of some of my less useful pursuits has been so kind, and so important, that I don't really know how to thank him. Any advice?

-Thankful

Dear Thankful,

The proper way to repay this specific flavor of thanks has taken many different forms over the years. In ancient Greece it was covered pretty thoroughly in the myths concerning Jason (no direct relation, though I was actually named after him) and Madea. To thank Jason for supporting her clog dancing Madea killed their children in front of him and killed Jason’s new wife, whom he managed to score while Madea was off on an Acropolis Cloggers retreat. This method of thanks became so popular that the Greeks had to invent the word infantacide, and eventually Alexander I decreed the ending of the play Euripides wrote about the event, Madea, to one where Madea goes “number two” in a basket of reeds, lights the whole mess on fire on Jason’s doorstep, and knock on the door so that he will try to stomp the fire out and end up with shit in his sandals. This caused people to stop going to the play and also to stop killing their children, and is where the phrase “number two” comes from. Through the ages, the construction of the vessel has changed, from reeds, to hemp, to burlap, back to reeds, to linen, back to hemp, until the modern era wherein we use a paper lunch sack, or a chineese food to-go container. Even two thousand years later, the point remains the same: Thanks for distracting me with stupid stuff causing me to miss the boat. In other words, you need to break off the friendshp and befriend someone who will encourage you to work on more useful pursuits.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I have been down in my "Apocalypse Bunker" (since October) trying to stay safe from roaming bands of former stock and mortgage owners.

Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I noticed that the streets were suprisingly absent of gangs and trash can fires. The porch was full of papers and the mail box was overflowing...It seems like the government has been spending A LOT of money to stimulate the economy. So far it looks like it has prevented Thunderdome from happening but not much else.

I noticed that you haven't been posting much lately.

Have you been forced to pick up work at In N Out Burger to help keep the food on the family's plates? (I know you haven't gone back to the old days of gay porn, I checked all the old websites, twice.) Or are you busy jet-setting with the aid of your share of the stimulus money?

No piece of the stimulus pie here. Just an eviction notice.I should have run an ethernet line to my bunker, but I really thought it was all going to be over.

Glad to see people are still surviving.

Stimulusless in Seatle

Dear Stimulusness,I am alive and well. I want to apologize to you and all my readers for not posting recently. I've been tied up doing sketch comedy and have barely had time to breathe much less make the world a better place by dishing out spurious advice on the internet. All that changes today. I promise to once again post regularly. At least until the economy finally collapses entirely and I am forced to barter my laptop for beans, or a can of non stick cooking spray, or to make someone stop stabbing me with a knife. In penance for being a crappy friend to turn to when in need, allow me to offer you this video. It made me feel good about the world for three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

My name is Jason Adair, and I am an Unlicensed Therapist. Not only am I totally unrecognized by any licensing board, I have absolutely no training in any therapeutic field. But I'm not going to let that hold me back in the "helping people" department. Nothing would make me happier than to hear all about your problems and dole out some sage wisdom concerning them. What's more, because I have no formal training, I'm offering theses services FOR FREE! So, if you're having a problem and don't have anyone to turn to, post it here and I'll do my best to help you work through it.No, Thank you,