Self destructive behavior

While I am a reasonably well functioning person to the outside world, I am anything but inside, and when I´m alone. My life is a chaotic, horrible place to live in. I am filled with anger and resentment towards myself. I view me as a horrible, bad looking, fat moron with no value to society. I self destruct at a regular basis, and have especially heavy periods, where I can show signs of destruction on daily basis.. I have used alcohol to dull it, self harm, and sex. It is an awfully strange notion to me that people will actually have sex with me, but I never seem to have problems finding someone. After I get depressed, and even more self destructive. I most often cut after I have had a sexual encounter, and alcohol is almost always involved. I have had no good long term relationships, and I can´t see that I ever will.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. After doing nothing much all day, my friend asked me to go out for dinner and wine. We had loads of wine, then it went on to drinks. During drinks, she spotted a hot guy, and made it her mission to introduce us. She succeeded, strangely enough, and this guy ended up taking me home. I didnt really want to have sex, but somehow I felt that it might help me, help how I am feeling, and cure something. Much like cutting, it is a very brief relief. For a moment I felt desired, almost loved. I left immediately after, feeling ashamed, ugly and uncomfortable. But the night didnt end there.. I felt as if the night was not over, I needed something more, something to lift the horrid feelings. So I went back out, met up with my friend again, now at a new club, had loads more to drink, and fell asleep at a friends couch. When I woke, I stumbled home, and here I am. I am pretty much sobered up, filling with water, repeatedly throwing up, nauseated, disgusted with myself, and considering self harm.

Now, I realize this is all very self destructive, and a pattern that needs to change. I know I should get help, I know it is necessary for me to talk to someone, and get treatment. I have considered AA (though my problem with alcohol falls outside of the normal alcoholic diagnosis) and psychiatry. I need to tell someone about being raped as a young teenager, I need to get help to cope with depression and my suicidal thoughts. I need to stop self harm, I need to get a normal relationship with sex, maybe men in general.. I need so much. I want so much. I guess realizing that is seen as a big step, but I have known for years that I need help, but I just cant make the next step.

Is there anyone out here who have similar problems? Anyone struggling with sexual relationships, all these horrible feelings, and everything that I describe? Or at least some of it? I know there are many people that will judge me for my behavior, but nobody judges me as harshly as me. Nobody can possibly hate me as much as I do.

i understand the self hatred hun but just know hun NO ONE will judge you here okay You do need professional help hun to get out of the destructive behavior your in. You need a good therapist that deals with trauma that can help you heal hun None of what is happening is your fault it isn't hun you deserve happiness and peace. Please hun reach out to someone okay and get the help you need. First step talk to your doctor and ask for referal to a therapist that deals with trauma hugs