3/04/2010 @ 3:50PM

Six Steps To Resolving The Beauty And Aging Paradox

Intellectually we understand aging. So why does the first wrinkle or gray hair send us into an emotional tailspin? As smart women we were raised to believe that success and happiness are based on intelligence and accomplishments. Many of us never expected to feel this deeply about a seemingly superficial issues. But let’s face it, we do!

We hope you will approach the six steps summarized below with the kind of support and patience–and a bit of humor–that we all deserve at this phase in our lives. And remember, as you practice these internal steps toward external change, the goal is to feel and look beautiful for the rest of your life.

The first step toward making any kind of change is acknowledgment. Decide if your concerns over aging and beauty are issues you would like to resolve. Take an honest, courageous look in your mirror and ask, Do I recall a moment in time that felt like a turning point in my aging process? Was there a moment when you said to yourself, “I feel and look old”? This first step allows us to own our honest feelings about our changing looks and see clearly through the paradoxical pulls that cloud our vision.

These uh-oh moments are experienced deep within us, as if something fundamental has changed in our identities. This is often accompanied by embarrassment and shame, as if we’ve been caught off guard and feel guilty that we care. We fear that we have lost control, as if abducted into an unwelcome phase of life. The first step is acknowledgment that our uh-oh moment exists and can be used to gain awareness. Only then can we turn uh-oh into ah-ha!

Step Two: The Only Mask You Wear Should Be Made of Honey and Yogurt!

This step is about coming out of hiding, from behind beliefs and actions that disconnect us from what we really feel. These behaviors make us look truly unnatural (those lips!), sometimes downright silly (those tight cutoffs!), and certainly distract us (those overtime hours!) from dealing with real issues. We are much better off removing the inappropriate cover-ups and allowing our vulnerability to show instead. Only then can we learn our genuine feelings. And they are often less problematic than the masks that cover them.

The reality is we are getting older, but aging doesn’t have to be a dirty word. In other words, 40, 50 and 60 are just numbers, stages of life that don’t have to–nor can they–be warded off. After all, what does 50 really look like today? It surely isn’t the picture we have of our mothers or grandmothers. From our perspective, 50, 60 and older can look great if you take off your mask and let your face grow into becoming who you are. Masks are brittle. Masks are fake. Stop hiding. Take a look and see what’s coming. You are getting older, but you’re going to be more than okay.

Step Three: Talk Back to Those Internal Dialogues

Easy to say: Face your uh-oh moment, take off your mask and listen closely to the words you hear inside your head. Not so easy to do when the words you hear shout, You look old! We know, and hopefully you know by now that you’re like millions of women who take a look at themselves and hear, You look tired. You look terrible. Give up. Give in. Get your face done, a little of this, a little of that. It’s at least a fix. Fix what? You look like your mother. You’re invisible. Too visible. Too old!

Maybe it’s time we say “shush up” to the voices that get in our way. Listen to where these interfering voices originate. If you pay careful attention, you’ll be able to hear that they most often come from your past. Sometimes they resonate with the voices we hear coming from the television or radio. Take hold of these dialogues and rewrite the script. You will always have conversations in your head. We all do, men and women alike. But you can create new lines, with new roles that speak to you in a kinder and gentler tone. The words come from your voice now. Speak up, loud and clear.

Step Four: Give Mom Her Due. Take the Best of Her and Leave the Rest Behind

We all know that we tend to look to our mothers to explain why we are who we are, the good, the bad and the ugly. But a lot of us are mothers now and know how easy it is to blame and be the recipients of blame rather than take responsibility and change. Sure, our mothers had an important influence on the development of our self-image, just as we do on the perception our children have of themselves. So did our dads, our siblings, and our teachers. Vogue and Revlon did as well! This step has taught us how that all developed.

We know that our mothers’ role and all those other influences are reflected in a self-image that grew, stabilized and became firmly rooted in our identities. That’s why it is so hard to let go. But it’s time to see these old reflections for what they are, take charge of them, and let them shift. Aging requires flexibility at any stage of life or we get stuck. The most reliable source of positive regard is reflected in the accommodating and accepting “I” of the beholder. And that is you.

Step Five: Using Adolescent Memories Instead of Repeating Them

When we look back on adolescence, we can learn from the memories it evokes. Just a peek at your high school yearbook picture may bring up feelings of awkwardness, uneasiness, volatility and instability. How weird I looked! Or, How strange I felt! Our self-criticism at that time is a close rival to the kind of harsh judgment we place on ourselves at midlife. The transitions during both phases are difficult, filled with confusing physical experiences, mixed cultural messages and chaotic emotions.

As much as we may long for our youth, there’s no way we want to be 15 again. We may long for the smooth skin, the energy and the sense of possibility. Sure, those are the memories of adolescence we tend to nostalgically recall. But it might serve us well to also remember how we did–and did not–cope and use it to manage our feelings now. We have not gotten this far in life to get stuck feeling like teens in turmoil. Maybe this time around, we can avoid some of the impulsive, crazy decisions we made while feeling so topsy-turvy. Maybe we can get through these new transitions with fewer bumps and bruises, especially ones that are so hard to heal.

Step Six: Saying Good-bye Is Hard to Do

We say good-bye to the “good ole days” and weep as we let go, much like we do all the losses in life. This loss is about detaching our sense of attractiveness from youth to make room for a broader, more flexible self-image. We can buy into the promises our culture offers to magically remove the changes we see on our faces and bodies. We can yearn to revive images of old selves and try to slow down the changes we see. Or we can accept reality. Aging does not stop. So, it’s time to say good-bye, shed some tears and then optimistically embrace our ever-evolving selves.