I can't help it!!!!!! (Said in my whiniest, most pathetic voice possible.)

Even reading Z's previous post about her night terrors has given me the anxious, skin crawling fear that I hate, because I most definitely remember the night she had that nightmare, or actually, I should say I most definitely remember the night AFTER she had that horrible nightmare about something crawling under her blankets in her hotel room. Do you know WHY I specifically remember the night after so vividly? Because I had one of the WORST nightmares I've ever had in my life. And it's all Z's fault.

So before I get into what exactly happened in my sequel night terror, I just want to clarify the fact that Z and I live on opposite sides on the world---we don't get to hang out like normal people---and the simple notion that I had this scarily coincidental (or not coincidental, you can decide) dream is freaky enough even without diving into what happened during my unpleasant slumber.

The Sequel (you can read about Z's original night terror in her blog below).

I dreamed that I went to help Zenobia, halfway across the world, to the specific hotel room that she was staying in and had had the previous horrid nightmare. While I was there we reasoned that there was an evil spirit that needed to know it wasn't welcomed and needed to leave. So Z and I decided to have a séance and make it clear it must not harm Z any longer and let her sleep in peace. This is when things started to get really weird.... Things started to move in the room, the lights flickered and we knew that the malevolent spirit was present. Z and I then held hands and started chanting for it to leave, that it wasn't welcome and kept repeating the word "NO". Overall, the experience was freaky and frightening, but it was the sensations that were created during the nightmare that scared me the most. I felt everything, especially the cold, tingling rush of shivers that signalled the ghost was nearby. The nightmare ended with a sharp coldness prickling up my spine and the spirit pushing my hair straight up, like it was an act of defiance. I woke to this feeling still lingering on my exposed neck and shoulders.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep after that.

I told Z about my experience and the following night she said she slept well.... Interesting.

I've had many, many other dream-related oddities occur, including a premonition, and pre and post death dreams about loved ones. They're not necessarily things I enjoy sharing simply because they were powerful and mysterious and, above all, extremely emotional. I get very upset when I think about them, and that sadness stems from two contradicting thoughts:1. What if they don't mean anything? What if it's just my imagination and my brain doing wonky things?2. What if it's not. What if they mean more that I could ever fathom.

So I woke up pretty sleepy this morning, and generally I’m a really good sleeper in terms of hours and my dreams. But last night was different.

I was panic stricken throughout my night, falling in and out of consciousness. Having my mind play tricks on me whether I’m actually dreaming or awake. Occasionally I will have these nights, where my emotions and dreams are just over the top. Waking up and hearing a noise in my room or in the house, knowing that I’m probably dreaming…but am I?

I remember one night having the most vivid dream – while lying in a hotel room, dreaming of something crawling in from the other side of the bed and all I could see was the blanket being raised….extreme fear entered my body. Waking up from that was terrifying, as I woke up I remember looking around my hotel room exactly how I pictured it in my dream…except the blanket was down and my heart was racing 500 miles an hour., was in a dream or real? Nightmares can be paralyzing, striking such fear into you as a person that you have a hard time defining what is reality and what was a dream. Because we’ve all had those horror filled dreams of scary people, and witches and monsters…in different houses and different places….they scare us – but our mind wakes us up and we feel comfort knowing we are in our own room and our own familiar place. But what happens when the nightmare takes place in your place of comfort…in the very place that you are supposed to feel secure in? I once wrote about how your dreams could be so real that it can affect your emotional state…and coming back to that….having nights like these make me realize that your mind can create anything –our brains even have the power to overlap reality, creating a fictional world of horror.

Worst thing about this? No one knows your greatest fears like you do…..in turn leaving you completely vulnerable.What more are we capable of?Z

…..sorry for my terribly late response but you know how it goes….Truth is, I get distracted more than anything else and then I forget to do certain things…

So to be honest, I think you have a valid point. From a young age I was watching Disney movies and I know that when you mentioned the below to me I was shocked beyond belief…only because Disney movies have played a big part in my upbringing…. I think to a certain degree it definitely influences the way a person sees life and the way you see relationships as you get older. You get brainwashed into believing that there are always happy endings and there is this one phenomenal true love that will sweep you off your feet and that it doesn’t take hard work to achieve things…but simply a fairy god mother and a pumpkin.

Growing up I loved Cinderella and Snow White, but my all-time favorite was Beauty and the Beast. I think I related to her because she was the only brunette (^^,) So to answer your question I'd have to list them in order: 1.Beauty and the Beast 2.Cinderella 3.The Little Mermaid4.Snow White Comparing these Disney classics to the quirky animation movies we have these days….It’s hard to say how I would be influenced watching today's movies. Even though let’s be honest we all love a good animation every now and then (in my case all the time). I think Animation creates creativity and dreams…and gives hope to the hopeless….everyone wants to believe in a fairy-tale..***Everyone needs a little Sparkle***Z

Is that shameful? My confession is usually met by shocked gasps and disbelief. It seems like I was the only gal who didn't grow up with Ariel! It's not as though I didn't watch Disney movies; I've got my childhood list; the top, the crème de la crème, the most cherished and worn-out VHS's in my collection:The Lion King Aladdin Aristocats101 Dalmatians Toy Story The Rescuers Down Under

As I look at this list I can easily recognize the impact each movie and story has had on me. I grew up sensitive to animals---caring for them, being kind to them, loving them---and I'm certain this is a direct result and influence of those Disney movies I watched over and over again. Perhaps the deep-rooted reason why I have never and will never consider wearing fur is merely because of what I saw in 101 Dalmatians. It's crazy to think that a simple child's movie can have a lifelong impression.

As I study the list even further, I realize that the only Princess related film I watched as a kid was Aladdin, making me question if that's the reason why growing up I was such a tom-boy and why, even to this day, I'm not a stereotypically girly girl? I grew up without Princesses! I've seen my fair share of classic Princess movies thanks to a younger cousin, but I was already in my late teen years when I saw Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella etc.Which brings me to my final deliberation about my Disney movie list: If I had watched The Little Mermaid as a child, would I be a different person?! I'm terrified to the core of my soul of the ocean, but if I had watched Ariel at a young age, would I still be afraid? If I had watched ONLY Princess-related Disney movies, would I think differently? Would I like the colour pink? Would I enjoy painting my nails? Would I want a big wedding? How different would I be from a movie? Then again, would I be different at all? I didn't watch many Princess films, yet I love romance, I love wearing dresses, I enjoy wearing makeup---arguably girly things---so maybe Ariel couldn't have saved me from my oceanic fear. Perhaps Nemo could've (if I weren't far too old by that point).

Z, what were your Disney movies between the ages of 5-10?There's a snake in my boots,

Dreams can differ from night to night…..Some people say food can affect your dreams…The human brain can see someone for a split second and years later you can dream of that person – thinking that it’s a stranger you have never seen before, however you’re wrong. But what happens when you dream about death. Death…the tragedy that everyone deals with in their own way…. You might be wondering why the depressing blog topic…however we deal with this everyday don’t we? The loss of family and friends affects us on a much bigger scale – probably changing us forever, but then we also lose pets and favorite series or movie characters…. Death is all around us in different forms….

But here’s what’s sad… waking up from a dream of someone who passed away…..Last night I had a dream about one of my best friends that passed away eight years ago, I think I’ve only dreamt of him once, besides for last night since he passed. Waking up from a dream like that is different…..it brings a kind of sadness not because you’re sad that you dreamt of them or because it was a bad dream, but rather because you just want to go back to sleep in hopes of talking or seeing that person for a few extra minutes. It’s a dream that makes you wonder about all possibilities, where they are?? Can they talk to us? Can they contact us in dreams? I guess it all comes down to faith and what you believe or don’t believe in…and again every single human being even if they have the same faith or beliefs I guess interprets things differently so no one is ever the same….

But also I think that we just create possibilities creating illusions of what can and cannot be, when ultimately they are gone you know? Almost clinging onto hope or pretending to believe in things we know do not exist to give us a sense of comfort, like contacting us through dreams? Dreams can have the biggest impact on us causing fear, sadness or even happiness. How powerful is the human brain to have imaginary visuals from your brain affect your psyche and more importantly what goes on in the human brain to connect us to the dreams we see every night?

FOOD….. Healthy tasty snacks of goodness, fruits and bars of whole wheat amazingness (FOOD NEEDS NO DICTIONARY)… WELL NO K it’s nothing like that….argh the frustration of not being able to say no…and it’s not that I can’t say no to chocolates or milkshakes or even candy… IT’S THE COOKIE…..the crunchy goodness of biscuits!Honestly I get into this routine of eating healthy – and making sure I work out….but my downfall K is eating junk…or those little junk packets of yumminess….Ultimately it would be great if I have one or two cookies and leave it – but no…again I just can’t stop…So I noticed this when I was away, I would eat a lot less and snack a whole lot more…but it balanced out…because I was in country and the food is a lot different.,,..IMPORTANT NOTICE: OPTIONS ARE LESSSSSSS! Now that I’m back home – I open a packet of biscuits and have a glass of milk and its over…for both my healthy eating and the packet…We all want that amazing summer body….WHY DO THEY TASTE SO GOOD!!!!!!!Summer is creeping up – and being deprived for three weeks from biscuits and stuff I normally love eating makes me want to just keep snacking….and keep snacking….aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand snacking some more ….just have that one last biscuit..

What an iconic statement, huh? It's true for my side of the world, although a more accurate (and less dramatic) title would be Autumn is Coming. Ya... I'm sticking with the original.

And with autumn comes the rain.

I used to fiercely dislike the rain and the grey and the gloom of cloud cover, but that's no longer the case. These past few rainy days have made me ponder about my emotional shift; I find myself feeling happy, basically relieved, to witness the rain, whereas a decade ago I would've felt depressed and cursed the clouds: "Why do you hate me!?" *throws rock at sky then gets bonked on head by said rock*

I'm certain there are many factors contributing to my newfound precipitation pleasure---I'm older, my tastes and activities have evolved, I live in a home with large windows and natural light, (which helps make even the gloomiest day seem less gloomy)---but the largest factor of them all is writing. The rain acts as inspiration for my stories and my writing, and I never understood or noticed this before, say a decade ago, because I didn't write yet. When it rained I was lost and antsy, dissatisfied and overwhelmed with the blues. The downpour couldn't have a more opposite effect on me today.

However! Though I've learned to love the rain through working and writing, eventually it does get to me. Rain is great, welcomed, beautiful in September, October, November--then if we're lucky we'll get some snow in December and January, although usually it's rain---and it continues from there, trickling into February, March and, of course, April. By the time we've had our "spring" showers, (which are no different than our autumn or winter showers), I'm ready for some sun.

I love the rain, I really do, but expect a hate-rant from me around March.

I'm having one of those moments when I question my work and whether it's embarrassingly horrible and terrible. Or whether it's nothing at all, which is worse.

The cold-sweat suspicion has consumed me and even though I've stumbled into this dark, empty room before and made my way out, at this moment I feel like I'll never find the door.

I noticed a simple grammatical error---something common and usually overlooked--that caused the rapid unravelling. I frantically began sifting through all the possible situations when I could've made this grammatical error--conversations, emails, blogs, novels, queries, professional correspondence---until I was hyperventilating. Did I say it then? Did I use it incorrectly? Is it why my query was rejected? The scenarios and situations have repeatedly sliced through me all day, making me cringe with mortification and concern. Am I worrying for nothing? Or are my worries valid? This particular grammatical error was neither technical nor head-scratch worthy; it was stupid and insignificant, and it should have never been common or overlooked. I can't believe I didn't notice it until now...

And I hate knowing that I'm failing to correct so many other errors. I'll stumble across them one day when I'm feeling content and confident about my writing, and then the familiar flash of doubt and insecurity will momentarily blind me from the real reason why I write.

It makes me wonder if a writer has to be an editor too, or if being a storyteller is enough. I suppose a story can't be told or read if it's swamped with grammatical errors. Hopefully this blog isn't too bogged.

Here I am working on a foreign country for the past two weeks – another week to go…The pungent smell of mosquito repellent is stuck in my nose as I try to ward off the little blood sucking, malaria carriers….

Stuck on a base with a bunch of foreign people that don’t all speak English K SOUNDS GREAT DOESN’T IT!? Well it’s not….. I realize that I can’t make a run for my room fast enough as soon as I’ve devoured my dinner each night….which let me tell you is between 4-7 minutes on average a night….Working in Africa is a completely different game – in a male dominated industry where girls like me stand out like s sore thumb K… The serenity of my room is all I want after doing 12 hour days, and working myself into a coma K trying to find the courage to write a chapter or two is even harder than expected because your brain is fried to mush….Did I mention the little blood suckers…..

Dodging the mosquitoes is the most fun – switching the aircon on in your room to temperatures which reminds me of being stuck in an arctic location is the best way to deal with them. They don’t like the cold….However neither do I….. But then at the end of the day I realize how lucky I am…..to have the opportunity to travel to all these locations, and work in places people will never see in their lives…. When you think of going on holiday – you don’t visit the deepest places of Africa, no didn’t think so…

Going crazy isn't necessarily a bad thing---I've always welcomed some form of craziness. Crazy can be good, artistic, inventive!---but this damned heat is preventing anything of the sort. I'm intellectually and creatively sluggish and slow and sweat-soaked. Tapping my fingers on a keyboard is difficult... but asking me to work my imagination, come up with new ideas, or think of something other than ice cream is just too much.

GO AWAY HEAT. I'm Canadian, for crying out loud.

I need another popsicle.And another coating of deodorant....Make that two of each.