Shorts / Photoshop's New Chinese Food Tool

Script

Photoshop's New Chinese Food Tool

By Owen Parsons & Emily Axford

WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION
BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone.
BRIAN
Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes and I'm
a photoshop project manager. Now,
we've done a couple tutorials
specifically for the small business
owner, like how to use clip art to
make your passive aggressive sign
more "fun".
An example pops up of a "Your mother does NOT work here!"
sign with a clip art of a wagging fingered mother.
BRIAN
Today I'll be teaching those of you
who own Chinese Restaurants how to
cook up some tasty pictures to
complement your menu!
A picture of Lo Mein appears.
BRIAN
Look at this nice plate of Lo Mein.
Fresh, light, flavorful... it's not
gonna work at all. For starters,
this picture was taken recently. No
good. We want it to look like it
was taken in 1977, by someone who
could barely work a camera. Let's
open up our streamlined Small
Business Owner Tool suite. Rather
than fiddling with blur settings,
now you can just select the level
of competency of your photographer.
He changes the slider from "Ansel Adams" down to "Dad on
Vacation" down to "Baby playing with a Cameraphone."
BRIAN
Add some noise and grain filters...
A box appears with options. He selects "sun-faded", "peeling
laminate", "saucy fingerprints", "cigarette burns",
"crease". He leaves some unchecked, like "tear-stained",
"blood spatter", "bite mark", "cheeto dusted"
BRIAN
Now that's starting to look like
something I'd eat too much of while
watching a Bravo marathon.
An attractive plate of Kung Pao chicken appears.
BRIAN
Great, so, how can we take a little
POW! out of this Kung Pao Chicken?
Heh. First problem: it looks too
much like chicken. What we're gonna
do is lift textures from a bunch of
different animals...
Pictures of a cow, golden retriever, stray cat, orphan
child, etc. appear and Brian starts using the eye dropper
until the chicken resembles generic Chinese food Meat.
BRIAN
...until we've got that gamey,
overcooked, "mystery meat" look.
And just look at this spectrum of
colors. It looks like everyone was
invited to the party! Let's use a
hue saturation to take out those
healthy greens and blues, and play
up those reds and yellows until
we've got a nice dull shine. Like
an unpopped blister. Mmm.
An attractive plate of Moo Shu Pork appears.
BRIAN
This is a nice photo of Moo Shu
Pork. But what it doesn't do is
accurately depict how you're gonna
feel after you eat it.
A graphic appears. Brian quickly increases arrows to maximum
for "bloated", "filled with regret", "need a nap".
"Hungover", is decreased ever so slightly. With each change,
the food just gets doused with grease and oily sfx.
BRIAN
Great. That's gonna really sit in
your stomach. Now, what to do about
this fluffy rice?
Brian selects and zooms into rice on the side of the dish.
BRIAN
Let's add an aging filter...
Brian increases "Time Spent in the Fridge" filter.
BRIAN
...so that people know just how
hard and gross its going to get
when they forget about it for two
weeks, then drunkenly try to eat it
with ketchup on it. Great.
A picture of Shrimp & Broccoli appears.
BRIAN
One thing we can play with is
"Mise-en-Scene". That's an
unnecessarily French way of saying
"other stuff in the picture." By
putting it on a white plate in
front of a white background with a
grease stain, we can create a
climate of low expectations.
Brian makes the aforementioned changes.
BRIAN
For those of you who're pressed for
time, here's a neat shortcut: pop
open our American Apparel filter...
American Apparel Filters appears.
BRIAN
Now obviously there's a lot here
you don't need.
He checks and unchecks randomly, adding a unitard, a sweat
band, a nude babe, each disappearing as they're unchecked.
BRIAN
We're only using it for the "blown
out lighting", and "nagging feeling
that something's not right"...
He checks both off. The lighting looks blown out and the
noodles are mussed into a "compromising" position.
BRIAN
There. Barely appetizing. Now just
give it a name...
"Spicy Shrimp & Broccoli" appears in a nice font. Brian
changes the font to "Comic Sans (Chinatown)". The font
changes and the words change to "Srimp broccoly Deluxe Taste
Special So Nice : )"
END.