CollegeHumor, Regis Philbin, and Jewel boil "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" down to the basics.

Script

Yes or No Game Show (with Regis Philbin)

By Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

INT. DRAMATIC GAME SHOW SET
Back from a commercial break. CAMERA PANS around: blue
lights, studio audience. It's a cross between "Millionaire"
and "The Price Is Right" - intense, w/ a touch of attitude.
Everything moves fast. LIGHTNING FAST CUTS throughout.
REGIS PHILBIN sits across from a slightly younger
contestant, RAYMOND.
REGIS
Welcome back! I'm here with
Raymond, he's an optometrist's
assistant from Duluth. How do you
feel, Raymond?
RAYMOND
Excited! Really prepared!
REGIS
Then let's play!
Dramatic MUSIC. The audience gets pumped.
REGIS
(reading monitor)
Your first question, for 100
dollars: Yes, or No?
A "Millionaire"-like graphic shows the question "YES or NO,"
and beneath it two possible answers: "YES" or "NO." This is
the easy round, and Raymond answers with little hesitation.
The audience responds with appropriate clapping.
RAYMOND
No.
REGIS
That's right. For 200 dollars: Yes,
or No?
Same exact question-and-answer graphic.
RAYMOND
No.
REGIS
You got it. Here's the $500
question: Yes, or No?
The audience snickers - one of these answers is silly.
RAYMOND
Well, I'm sure at some point we've
all wished it was "No."
(the audience chuckles)
But I'm gonna go with "Yes."
REGIS
Raymond, you just won 500 dollars!
The lights change; things get more dramatic.
REGIS
Okay, Raymond. We're playing for
bigger money now, questions are
gonna get harder. Yes, or No?
Concerned murmurs from the audience.
RAYMOND
Hm. I feel like I have heard "No"
before, but growing up on the East
Coast, I can tell you that it's
Yes.
REGIS
It's "Yes!" Next question, and
listen carefully: Yes, or No?
RAYMOND
(instantly)
I have no idea, I'm gonna have to
use my "Pass."
REGIS
He's gonna use his "Pass," let's
see what the next question has in
store for him!
The question graphic CHEESILY SWIRLS into a new question
graphic: the exact same as ever, "Yes" or "No."
REGIS
Yes or No?
RAYMOND
Gosh, you know, they were just
talking about this on the radio,
but right now it is escaping me.
I'd like to Poll the Audience.
Three seconds of stupid BOOPING SFX as the audience
furiously punches their complex answers into keypads.
A BAR GRAPH appears on-screen. Two bars rise to EXACTLY 50%
EACH: half "Yes," half "No."
REGIS
Ah, not again. Split down the
middle. Raymond, take all the time
you need.
RAYMOND
Ugh! I should've paid attention in
class.
REGIS
(mean)
Yes. You should have.
RAY
It could be yes. But, then again,
"no," you know?
REGIS
I'm going to need an answer.
RAYMOND (EYES CLOSED)
No.
REGIS
Right on the money!
The audience gasps, cheers. Suddenly CUT TO a guy in a
stupid DOLLAR SIGN suit. He wails on an electric guitar for
a lightning-fast riff. The LIGHTS flash.
REGIS
(becoming slightly unhinged)
Whoa!!! Hold on to your bottoms,
Raymond's made it to the Video
Question! Take a look...
A pre-taped video FLIPS onto the screen, a la Daily Double.
It's a WOMAN, wearing a cowboy hat.
WOMAN
Yee-haw! Jewel here at the
world-famous Broken Spoke bar in
Missoula, South Montony! Yes, or
no?!
CUT back to Raymond and Regis.
REGIS
I just love her.
RAYMOND
She's the best -- NO!
REGIS
Let's go to the judge.
REGIS
Your fat ass got it right, Raymond!
For one billion dollars, here's the
final question: Yes, or No?
RAYMOND
I'm gonna call my mom.
PHONE RINGS. An older woman's voice is heard - his MOM.
RAYMOND'S MOM
("Hello?")
Yes?
RAYMOND
Yes or no?
RAYMOND'S MOM
Yes.
RAYMOND
(to REGIS)
Yes.
REGIS
("is that your answer?")
Yes?
RAYMOND
Yes, "yes."
REGIS
No.
RAYMOND
(upset)
NOOO!
REGIS
("that is correct")
Yes.
RAYMOND
("it was?")
Yes?
REGIS
Yes!
RAYMOND
YES!!!
The audience goes BATSHIT CRAZY. Beat.
REGIS
No.
RAYMOND
Fuck.
SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK. END.