Which would be great if they were talking about my jowls. Heck, it would be awesome if they could prop up any of my gravitationally challenged body parts.

But no. They're talking about kids again. Darn kids these days, with their new-fangled, low-riding pants.

Sagging, if you don't hang out on street corners, is a hip-hop thing, or sometimes a skate punk thing. It is a style of wearing pants below the beltline, in a way that reveals the skivvies. It has been around for years, but it still steams the get-out-of-my-yard generation, mostly because it seems so dumb and disrespectful.

Still, a bill before the Alabama Legislature -- which apparently has nothing better to do than fiddle with fashion -- would turn the tragically hip into the criminally hip hop.

"This bill would prohibit a student enrolled in a public elementary through high school from intentionally wearing in any manner a garment that would display or expose his or her underwear that is intended to cover the private parts of the person while the student is in attendance at the school," says the bill, which is sponsored by Sens. Rodger Smitherman and Linda Coleman.

That's the other thing. This brilliant piece of legislation would make it illegal for a kid to show his boxers. It would still, presumably, be legal for a 'sagger' to go commando -- or sans briefs.

Yikes. That's one heck of a loophole.

But that's not the worst thing. The real problem is Alabama's legislature mandating style in the first place.

My gosh, guys. If you want to criminalize something, why not the comb-over?

I guess that hits a little close to home down there in Montgomery. But book 'em Dano. There are no innocents here.

We survived the mullet and the Jheri curl. We endured MC Hammer pants, leisure suits and double-knit slacks.

And now they want to boot kids out of school for failing to pull up their pants?

Few people in the Birmingham area deal with problem kids -- or kids with real problems -- more than Brian Huff, presiding judge at Jefferson County Family Court.

What does he say of the bill?

"It's crazy. It criminalizes silly, childish behavior."

Yep. Ain't that America? Home of the free?

"Back in the 1960s they didn't like it that kids had long hair, but they didn't outlaw it," Huff said. "Back in the '80s they didn't like it that kids wore all that 'bling.'¥"

Now they don't like the sagging.

"It might prevent you from going out with my daughter," Huff said. "But I don't know about outlawing it."

Folks in Montgomery say the bill is almost certain to be amended, perhaps in a way to force local boards to deal with the issue in the form of dress codes -- as Birmingham already does.

But my gosh. Jefferson County is approaching receivership or bankruptcy, the economy is in shambles and the our legislators can't get their minds off ... off kids' clothes.

I know. Maybe it's time they pulled up their own big-kid pants and got to work.

John Archibald's column appears Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Write him at
jarchibald@bhamnews.com.