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The Power Of Being "Grokked"

It is profoundly healing when another is able to deeply understand & empathize with our feelings.

In 1961, author Robert A. Heinlein coined the term "grok" in his best-selling book, "Stranger in a Strange Land".

The Oxford English Dictionary defines grok as "to understand intuitively or by empathy; to establish rapport with" and "to empathize or communicate sympathetically (with)."

It is gratifying for all of us to be deeply known — to be grokked. When we are feeling the very painful feelings of life — the heartache, heartbreak, grief, sorrow and helplessness that result from others' choices and past and present life events — it is profoundly healing to know that another knows exactly what we are feeling and has deep empathy for our feelings. Perhaps this is why, in some cultures, it is traditional for a group of women to wail with someone who has lost a loved one.

One of the reasons people receive so much healing at our 5-Day Intensives is the experience of being grokked for the heartbreak of their childhood. For some, it is the first time they have ever shared what really happened to them and received deep understanding, compassion and empathy. The relief on their faces and the light that shines through their eyes is so beautiful to behold!

However, we run into problems when we try to get grokked for the wounded-self feelings of hurt, fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, jealousy, anger and so on — the feelings that we are creating with our thoughts and actions. Others cannot feel into us when we are being victims and pulling for sympathy. They cannot feel into us with their empathy when we are victims of the feelings we are creating.

In a phone session with Timothy, he was angry over a fight with his girlfriend.

"We had just gone out for breakfast and I thought things were going so well. I felt so good being with her that I called her to have dinner that evening. When she said she was busy, I got upset. I told her I was coming over to talk with her about it, but she said it was not a good time — that she had other things she needed to do. I came over anyway and she got really angry at me. How dare she treat me this way!"

Timothy was being a victim. He was not taking responsibility for himself at all, instead making his girlfriend responsible for him. When she didn't do what he wanted, he behaved in a violating and invasive way, and then blamed her for her anger at him. In the session, he wanted my sympathy for how badly he had been treated by her.

Instead, I told him that it was he who was treating himself and her badly. He had created the situation by handing his inner child to her and being invasive with her. Then he was furious at me for my lack of compassion. This is a crazy-making situation where he lacked compassion for himself and was not open to learning, and then pulled on his girlfriend and me to give him what he was not giving himself.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

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2. You Become Obsessed

Sometimes your heartache may lead to some obsessive behavior, almost as if you're craving a fix — so you get it with a little social media stalk sesh. Which, doesn't normally help the healing process in the long-run (no, not even if you see they're miserable without you).

3. Your Chances Of Depression Are Increased

4. Your Heart Breaks, Literally

No really! We're not being dramatic — doctors have found that 'Broken Heart Syndrome' is very real. This is when the loss of a loved one results in what closely resembles, a heartattack (and could even be misdiagnosed, as so). However it usualy only occurs under more extreme circumstances, such as the death of your love (not loss as in, "he left me for another woman").

6. You Feel Physical Pain

For years I'd listen to love songs and wonder how people could be so dramatic, then I experienced it for the first time myself — I felt like I swallowed needles after I figured out my boyfriend and I were over. But then I thought I might be a little delusional, until this: New research found that during a breakup, the brain essentially triggers sensations that you usually feel in moments of actual physical pain.

It may prompt a number of physical effects, such as heart palpitations, shortness of breath, stomach pain, loss of sleep, and depression.

7. Your Blood Pressure Rises

A study found that being around people you have mixed feelings towards, can cause a certain level of stress—and in response, your blood pressure can increase.

You know the motto: too blessed, to be stressed? If not, it's time to adopt it. No amount of worry will bring him back—the only thing that tends to do that is you moving on. So, do your thing and don't let the stress get to you, girlfriend!

8. You Lose Hair

According to Dr. Bessam Farjo, medical director of the Institute of Trichologists, 'it's not uncommon for women to suffer hair loss after the stress of a relationship breakdown.'

I don't know about you ladies, but I'm not trying to go bald for balls (it's just not an exchange I'm willing to make)! When in doubt, screw them (not literally) and refer to the last item on this list.

9. You're Motivated You To Be A Better You

There's good news—finally. In a previous article we found that 35 percent of women say they feel motivated to exercise or diet, after a breakup; overall, 84 percent have found that this is a good opportunity to change something about themselves. Yep! Sounds about right. Although, I will admit that my intentions don't begin completely focused on self-improvement — it's more like an evil plot to make him regret dumping me on my ass. I will say that it makes me feel happier when I hit the gym after a bad breakup. You know, after I pick myself up out of the bed from days of sobbing.