Some Still Look Beyond Beauty And Bucks

In Search Of

June 10, 1995|By PAIGE ROCKETT Guest Columnist

A male colleague commented recently somewhat ruefully, "I'm at the point in my life that women don't look deeply into my eyes; they look at my wallet."

His comment echoes what a lot of men have said to me over the last five years when discussing personal ads: "Women seem a lot more interested in how much money we make and what kind of jobs we have than in what kind of human beings we really are."

Generally, I have laughed and replied, "No, the majority of us just want you to HAVE a job."

The truth is, though, that the evidence can be pretty overwhelming that we women can be just as guilty of objectifying men - for their money, their power, their "success" - as we claim them to be guilty of objectifying us - for our youth, our beauty.

And I would not be fair to all of us if I didn't talk about it.

A perfect example of this was an ad about a month ago in a personal ads section that proclaimed, "Did you know that 60 percent of our male advertisers have annual incomes above $40,000?"

I winced. I shuddered. I wailed inwardly, "Oh, no."

In my mind, it was equivalent to running an ad that said, "Did you know that 60 percent of our female advertisers are under 40 and have bust sizes averaging 38?"

If you do some anthropological and endocrinological research, you learn that our instincts - some say hormones - are programmed for males to seek females - young, strong, fertile - who can produce their progeny, thus ensuring the survival of the race. And you learn that females are programmed to mate with those males who can protect them with their resources - food, shelter, etc. - while they are vulnerable during pregnancy and childbearing.

When you look at this aspect of our humanity, it makes perfect sense. We all want to rear strong, young children and ensure their survival.

Unfortunately, to be human is to be much more multi-dimensional than to be driven by mere hormones and instincts, for we are thinking, feeling animals as well.

The criteria of youth and strength and resource-command make a lot of sense to me when we're in our mating years. And those qualities to which I have alluded in other columns - intelligence, humor, integrity - are the ones that help ensure the survival of the relationship as we move through those childbearing and child rearing years together.

It is when we mature and continue to fixate on the qualities that were once so important to survival of our progeny - youth, fertility, resource capability - that I find it wears a little thin.

One 40-year-old man stated he had a hard-core rule, "I don't date anyone over 24 or who weighs over 124." Why? ... I don't know. He sure never indicated any intentions of procreating.

And as for a 40-year-old woman who yearns for a Donald Trump kind of man to support her in the style to which she is unaccustomed, I say, "Get a life. Make your own pile of money."

Again, this has nothing to do with procreation, unless, of course, you're still planning on children. And I honestly don't know many women in that age bracket who are interested.

Just as I would not be interested in dating a man fixated on youthful ideals of mammaries - or any depiction thereof - I would never be friends with a woman who had fantasies of finding that handsome, wealthy prince.

One of my now-married girlfriends had an iron-clad rule when she dated: "I never dated men who had more clothes than I nor who spent more time on their hair than I did."

In other words, she wasn't interested in men still stuck in a preening, breeding mode.

Works for me. At this point in my life, I care more about what lies UNDER those pecs, more about the wealth UNDER that head of hair, than in the back pocket.

So to my male colleague I would say, "There are still lots of us out here who would still look deeply into your eyes.

"And bring our own wallets."

* Rockett is the owner of the Hampton Roads-based singles magazine, In SearchOf. She conducts seminars, classes, mixers and other events for singles. For more information, send a legal-size, self-addressed, stamped envelope to In Search Of, P.O. Box 69151, Hampton, VA 23669.