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Forget the Hair – Is Anyone Else Concerned About John Cena’s Veins?

People that know me know that I’m a big symmetry guy. I can’t stand when something is off-centered or uneven. Watching me spread cream cheese on a bagel or in a beautiful casserole dish when making Skyline Chili dip could make the Pope cuss. That’s one of the reasons I don’t work out. I’m afraid one of arms or legs will get bigger than the other one and completely ruin my life. I’d rather have a heart attack as a fat slob than know my right arm is 1/8-inch bigger than the other… which brings me to John Cena.

Lately it’s been his new hair that has been getting all the headlines, but people aren’t talking enough about whatever the fuck it is that he has going on with his right arm/shoulder/chest. Unfortunately, unlike Cena, we can see this vein. Not only is the vein gnarly, but it’s completely different from the left side of his chest/arm. It’s nothing new, but in a strange turn of events, the hair makes it look weirder. Logic would tell you that showing up with the hair of an anime character should distract from other imperfections, but in this case I think the absurd hair just made everything weirder.

I can’t remember the last time I had a vein showing in my arms. It has to have been early college when I still at least tried to stay in somewhat decent shape. Once the wheels fell off, I said goodbye to all vascular showcasing. I knew at that point my chances of being a vein model were shot, so why not enjoy life four cheese coneys at a time? Seeing Cena’s monstrosity proves I made the right decision in getting fatter. Why have 3% body fat if that’s what your arm is gonna look like?

At what point do we start to get concerned that one of the veins is going to tie itself into a knot? I know you think I’m joking but if you look closely, it should be a real concern. I’m not a doctor, I just get paid like one. If I was a doctor, I’m sure I’d have some clinical training to tell me that’s not possible, but as a blogger, I’m going to assume veins can tie themselves in knots. If it hasn’t happened yet, maybe John is in the clear. Who knows. Bodies are weird.

I don’t like to take those types of risks with my body though, so if you need me I’ll be at an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet less than 24-hours after eating $70 worth of Jersey Mike’s yesterday. I can guarantee none of my veins will be getting their Knot Badge from the Boy Scouts.