Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

……To be perfectly honest, there’s just less and less call for orbiting death platforms these days (I know, crazy right?). With the world feeling more and more hopeful about a brighter tomorrow, governments are funneling their budgets into space-based “smile” arrays, capable of delivering 100 mega watt Rainbow Lasers to any party on earth.

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(We hear Northrop’s got something in the shape of Obama’s head that transmits ‘Barack Beams’ right into your hopeythallamus.)

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……Well it makes us just sick to see these majestic techno-beasts hanging there unloved, so we’ve decided to do something about it: yes, Stuff You Need is converting (almost) all of its high altitude bombardment satellites to serve the public in a myriad of ways. First up is a special we’re pleased to offer….

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……It’s summertime, and you want to get your kids outdoors, right? Well what better way than a basketball hoop to get their fat little legs moving! “But,” you say, “putting up a hoop is way too hard, and I’m even lazier than my lard ass kids – so what can I do?”

Heyyyy…just take a load off, fatty: Science has got your back.

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……S.Y.N. has just finished retrofitting the Thunder Hammer, our chic ‘Rods from God’ tungsten-tosser, into the world’s easiest home basketball installation kit:

HOOPS FROM ON HIGH! Previously meant to deliver telephone poles of death anywhere on the planet, Stuff You Need can now embed a fun and healthy family favorite right in your driveway or cul-de-sac.

Behold the majesty...

When you buy the kit at any local sporting goods or heavy weapons facility, you’ll find a tiny disc, barely an inch thin – and that’s it! No huge pipes to carry home or nets to weave, just a wafer-thin microchip that you might mistake for snack. (Note: Do not eat.)

……Toss that baby right where you want your hoop and we’ll take care of the rest. Once activated, the disc will contact the satellite, which will calculate telemetry and other cool things, then safely hurl your basketball net right at you at 36,000 feet per second.

"Here it comes kids...RUN!"

……Soon your kids will be enjoying one of the fastest growing sports in Europe and best of all, you’ll barely have had to lift a finger: thanks Science!

(Warning: Hoops From On High may cause atomic level issues for your surrounding neighborhood – do not place basketball hoop on any fault lines or accidentally activate the tracking device while in your pants)

……Oh sweet zombie Jeblon, I feel awful! I finally got hit with that nasty H1N1 (the HONE-NONE) or Swine Flu. I avoided it as long as possible, until Horatio came around with a bucket full of it and drenched everyone in pure pig snot. He said T-Ray wanted to get everyone infected at once, so our chances of developing a vaccine from our weekly blood donations would go way up. I didn’t even realize they were taking our blood, but I guess that explains the prick I feel when I go to the bathroom.

Lord! I swear, things are coming out of me like you wouldn’t believe, so let’s get you Scienced before my poor pores start drooling again.

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TEXTING – THE VIBRATING KILLER: A new study on the dangers of texting while driving confirmed that when you don’t have your hands on the wheel or your eyes on the road and are in fact totally oblivious to the world around you, you’re an idiot. Oh yes, as a parent, I know teens are going to want to qwerty to their friends no matter what, which is why I insist on them using our brain-computer hook up in the car, so they can Tweet hands free. It’s not the best solution, since they often black out from the strain of concentrating, but I’m a firm believer that the cops will treat your corpse with more respect if they find your hands at 10 and 2.

……(Incidentally, you can follow Stuff You Need on Twitter too, at http://twitter.com/StuffYouNeed , where all the social marketers on the planet are converging into a Twingularity)

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80085: For some reason, the ACLU is going kooky over the government granting patents on breast cancer genes. I don’t see what the fuss is all about: what could go wrong with giant, innocently named corporations owning the rights to the very building blocks of life? At worst, they might aerosolize cancer, but that would just put this Swine Flu in perspective, no?

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ONCE YOU GO BLACK… : You can bet our ears perked up this past week when we saw that the Pentagon’s budget for Secretly Clandestine BlackOps went past the magical $50 Billion mark. Phasers, weaponized drone bees, satellites that can Photoshop you into embarrassing situations with your neighbors from miles up – oh yes, its all in there. But Stuff You Need, ever the voice of reason, has to ask: where’s the love? Sure, you can build all kinds of fun gadgets and DARPA can make all of Oklahoma’s hair green on alternate Thursdays, but is $50 Billion going to hollow out the Moon and make it Earth’s personal Death Star to conquer the galaxy?

……No. It’s not. And that’s a shame that I don’t think will sit well with the American people.

……It’s high time for all the red blooded Americans of this great land to rise up and shout:

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We’re tired of paying all these taxes without something really cool to show for it!

“WHERE’S MY DEATH STAR?”

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We demand that planet America be ready to plunder Pluto’s pulchritudinous pesos!

I’ve gotten to talk to some of you by phone I’m sure, but now that we’re in this new, web-based economy, I can’t wait to “blog” you.

I’m of course here to help people with their problems on specific products, but a big part of my job is to answer your questions about our company and Science! at large. So, on Wednesdays I plan to ‘Whelk-out’ [grin] by digging deep in the brown muck of our mail bag to respond to your queries, and check out some of that crazy science flopping around our world.

I just know we’re going to have a lot of fun together =) !! So drop me a line at stuffyouneed [dot] 9000 [at] gmail [dot] com , or in the comments below!

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CASH MONEY: First up this week is the exciting news that President (dreamboat) Obama has pledged to raise the government’s funding of SCIENCE! I can’t tell you how excited everyone here was when we found out Obama’s going to spend as much on Research & Development as Military spending. That’s crazy! I mean, I didn’t realize they were ever separate in the first place, but to think that we’ll now have two streams of income to use in making radioactive nanobots, well that’s just super.

Our Experimental Accounting Division has already swung into action creating a whole new swath of shell corporations and cutouts unlinkable to us, so Stuff You Need can take full advantage of all these new, yummy taxpayer dollars.

We look forward to taking your money to make products we can sell back to you!

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HOBO PLANET: Maybe we can use some of that new money to help get Earth back on its feet and out of living in a junkyard. With all the space gunk orbiting us now, its no wonder we can’t get a clear shot of the lunar surface from our Subterranean Winterfresh Crystals Rayzor. Why, we only want our friendly Man in the Moon to be cavity free…

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VIET NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’! : Seeing old friends like Vietnam and Russia working together to move product warms my cockles. Just knowing that those big, silent boats are prowling the South China sea makes me think of my favorite musical – one guess! (ok, it’s Sweeny Todd!) AND, the best part is this is that new GREEN Economy at work, building a brand new submarine by recycling precious resources that might have been used for something impractical in Russia, like a school or housing.

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Well that’s it for this week, so thanks for coming by – I’ll be Whelking at you again soon!