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Topic : 07/28 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

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Created on : Thursday, April 27, 2006, 07:15:59 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/05/06) Do you and your spouse burn with passion in the bedroom, or is your sex life more like an ice-cold shower? Dr. Phil speaks with couples who say their sex styles just don't match. First, meet Leigh, who just wants a kiss on the lips from his fiancée, Jill, but she would prefer to bite him. Leigh says they haven't had a make-out session in the two years they've dated, but he's gotten plenty of bruises! Then, meet Christy and Ben. Christy says that with two kids, sex has become just another job to check off her list. In order to have sex more often, Ben came up with an idea so they both could get what they want. He created a sex menu called "Chez Christy" where he could order what sex act he wanted, and then pay her for it. Christy was fine with this arrangement in the beginning, but now finds herself crying afterward. Plus, a man who loves to paint his toenails, a woman who can't say any word that sounds dirty, and more! Join the discussion.

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05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

What am I supposed to do when I just can't stand ANY sexual contact? My hubby sulks everytime I say no, yet he knows what I'm going to say. How can my marriage work when I just won't have any sexual contact? I thought we were meant to love each other because of WHO we were, and work together as a team, and love and raise our kids. I didn't realise that sex was the main priority and nothing else would work if he didn't 'get it' on a regualr basis. I want a team-mate in my man. I am just not willing to have sex. I don't EVER want sex again. What am I meant to do?

Sex isn't the MAIN priority in a marriage...yet it is a vital component. You say you want a team mate...but YOU won't play along! So you aren't willing to have sex? and you think he should be fine with that...what if he said "I'm just not willing to communicate with you about our finances, hopes and dreams" "I'm just not willing to raise the kids with you" "I'm just not willing to stay up all night supporting you when you are sick and throwing up" "I'm not willing to........Fill in the blank"
Get the idea? You would probably end up sulking too!

Here's what you ought to do...

What am I supposed to do when I just can't stand ANY sexual contact? My hubby sulks everytime I say no, yet he knows what I'm going to say. How can my marriage work when I just won't have any sexual contact? I thought we were meant to love each other because of WHO we were, and work together as a team, and love and raise our kids. I didn't realise that sex was the main priority and nothing else would work if he didn't 'get it' on a regualr basis. I want a team-mate in my man. I am just not willing to have sex. I don't EVER want sex again. What am I meant to do?

If you want your marriage to last run, don't walk, to your doctor immediately and discuss this with him/her. If he finds nothing physically wrong with you, get a referral to therapist and go right away.

While it is certainly possible you may just be one of those people who will never like or need sex, it is much more likely that there is an underlying problem somewhere. Were you sexually abused as a child? Were you brought up in a very strict religious family where sex was not discussed and anything sexual was frowned upon? These are just a few possibilities.

People who "just can't stand ANY sexual contact" have a much bigger problem lurking in their psyche.

Please, get help to get to the bottom of this. It is not fair of you to expect your husband to live this way the rest of his life. Sex is a very normal, natural thing and usually EXTREMELY important to maintaining the intimacy of a marriage.

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

What I want to know is how come its always the men that seem to want it more? Whats wrong with you women out there???? I have recently had my first child and my sex drive never changed throughout preganncy!!! My fiancees did however and it has never picked up again. Im frustrated to no means. I feel like he thinks hed be sleeping with HIS mother. I have discussed it with him, and he has the same blase attitude I think most women take on. "Its just sex" or "I dont feel like it right now" I mean come on. If all men are the same, then why is he so different? And NO, he is not having an affair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you are NOT alone , I actually had to register TODAY, as much as i watch Dr Phil i was never moved enough to come on-line til now, to see what was being said about your Exact situation. I was pleased to see a Women with a higher sex drive then her mate on the show, but she was an extreme case. I would be happy with sex once or twice a week. I'm 40 by the way, and my husband has had a vasactomy 10 years ago. So i don't know if my age causes him to not be attracted to me anymore, or if his vasactomy if the reason for his lack of desire. All i know is its EXTREMELY frustating for both of us. my unfulfilled desire and his feeling pressured to perform. It is definitely harming our marriage, that frustation flows over into every aspect of our life, i find my self with an extremely short fuse, I question wether i'm just not 'good' at it, or he finds me appalling, and often wonder if should get a second opinion , i.e. cheat on my husband. This has been going on for at least 5 years, and its only getting worse : (

Hubby is bored

well, we have been married for 13 years. I had a hysterectomy about 10 years ago but for the last 5 years I am horrible with our sex life.we have 2 teenagers and we live in a small house and our rooms are very close together.I also gained weight over the years and I do not feel sexy at all After my surgery and being put on hormones I can't sem to get "in the mood".My body really changed after the menopause and he doesn't seem to understand. I became a consultant with Giggle Parties to try and earn money and get the inside scoop on products and buy new things to try. He flat out told me our sex life sucks.when he says wanna poke? or do you want to play with my-----

well that just doesn't exactly put me in the mood.he wants to be adventurous and try new things but I don't know what to do... ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

05/05 When Sexual Styles Don't Match

I am anticipating replies to your message, as I am in the same boat as your hubby. I am the one who has moved out of the bedroom, and can't stand sex. We started out O.K., then I started loosing interest but kept 'putting out' for him, then I started asking myself why I should have to when I didn't want to. I feel sorry for Hubby, but just can't lie there and grit my teeth any longer. I want our marriage to work, but without the sex.

We now have seperate rooms and he has stopped pressuring so much, and after sevaral months, I reached out and gave him a cuddle. First one I've given volintarily for ages.

Any chance of telling Hubby that you want to make a marriage work, and will love him even if he never has sex again? If you remind him of the things you love about him, he may feel less pressure, and start to relax with you. Do things together that don't involve touch - board games, card games, video and popcorn on seperate couches... give him as much space as he needs - can he have his own room for as long as he needs it? Quit grumbling about it - that just puts pressure on him and pushes him away further and faster. Learn to satisfy yourself as much as you can, and enjoy the good side of him. Leave the physical side to him. He probably needs to know that you love him more than sex, and will not leave him because of it.

That is what I am wanting and needing from my hubby.

wow to withhold sex from your mate is the ultimate torture. Sex is a natural need, its not perverse or selfish self gratification. A well balanced adult has sexual desire. to not fulfill those need as a spouse is extremely disfunctional. if you won't do this for him, at LEAST, allow him to find someone who will. He should not be made to fill obscene for having his god given natural urges, I thing urges Stronger then the one that makes you eat when you are hungry. I'm sure his buddies talk about the ' great sex ' they had with their wives/girlfriends and he has to sit mute, wondering what is 'WRONG' with him. And that is sad.

Sex Styles

Dr. Phil, I watched your show, where do u find these people? I couldn't beleive what I heard. Paying for sex, sex crazy people. They were to funny, marriage is not all about sex. Don't get me wrong, it is important in a marriage. But when u have to pay for it, to me its like paying a hooker!!!!!!!!!! If I had to pay for sex with my husband, I'll tell him to hit the road. And the lady that said she wants sex 24 hours a day, come on, u need to give him some space sometimes. Sometimes when u have sex all the time, u get burned out. I have a great sex life with my husband but I don't want it everyday. I like romance, like wine and dinner and candles in the bedroom. To me THATS ROMANCE!!!!!!!!!! U don't have jump your husband bones all the time, surprise your man, that would mean more to him. And to the man who has to pay for sex, why would u do that. She your wife, the only thing I say about that is to find someone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lonliness w/o intimacy

my issue is that my husband has the low sex drive and refuses to discuss with anyone but me.He says he loves me is not gay nor has a girlfriend he just doesnt have much drive.

we have been married 32 yrs and have known each other for longer than I want to admit

This issue started after about 15 yrs. into the marriage at that time we had 3 kids and I wasnt too concerned but as life proceeds and kids move on you start to miss the intimacy.

When there is no sex [ which at this point has been about 2 yrs ] there is no intimacy left and you behave as brother and sister. I have resolved myself to this life because i love and care very much for my husband. We are both fairly attractive and in good health. we also enjoy each others company and have a good family and social life.If I had to do again though I think I would have fought harder for the answers. I just wanted to let everyone know what its like from the other persons perspective.. Its lonely and frustrating when you think about it too much.

Vesectomy

you are NOT alone , I actually had to register TODAY, as much as i watch Dr Phil i was never moved enough to come on-line til now, to see what was being said about your Exact situation. I was pleased to see a Women with a higher sex drive then her mate on the show, but she was an extreme case. I would be happy with sex once or twice a week. I'm 40 by the way, and my husband has had a vasactomy 10 years ago. So i don't know if my age causes him to not be attracted to me anymore, or if his vasactomy if the reason for his lack of desire. All i know is its EXTREMELY frustating for both of us. my unfulfilled desire and his feeling pressured to perform. It is definitely harming our marriage, that frustation flows over into every aspect of our life, i find my self with an extremely short fuse, I question wether i'm just not 'good' at it, or he finds me appalling, and often wonder if should get a second opinion , i.e. cheat on my husband. This has been going on for at least 5 years, and its only getting worse : (

My husband had a vesectomy as well and for awhile it did cause some problems sexually. There was the whole "I don't feel like a man now". I told him that was complete crap because he is the best man I have ever known, and he will always be the best. He still looks appetizing to me. =)

My husband and I are 23 and I have had two children. My sex drive did not diminsh, if anything, it improved greatly. I find myself always "bringing it up" to him and he certainly doesn't mind. But the vesectomy did cause some problems at first. Maybe your husband feels like he's less of a man now? If so you should tell him that he is not any less of a man. He is even more of a man for stepping up and taking responsiblity like he did.

Get an M.D. involved

my issue is that my husband has the low sex drive and refuses to discuss with anyone but me.He says he loves me is not gay nor has a girlfriend he just doesnt have much drive.

we have been married 32 yrs and have known each other for longer than I want to admit

This issue started after about 15 yrs. into the marriage at that time we had 3 kids and I wasnt too concerned but as life proceeds and kids move on you start to miss the intimacy.

When there is no sex [ which at this point has been about 2 yrs there is no intimacy left and you behave as brother and sister. I have resolved myself to this life because i love and care very much for my husband. We are both fairly attractive and in good health. we also enjoy each others company and have a good family and social life.If I had to do again though I think I would have fought harder for the answers. I just wanted to let everyone know what its like from the other persons perspective.. Its lonely and frustrating when you think about it too much.

But it might not have to be this way!!!!

Please convince him to get a check up. This is something that a physician may very well be able to help him with. Even though he appears to be in good health, there may have been a drop in his testosterone or some medication he takes causing his lack of sex drive. It is not too late to get to the bottom of this. Please don't just resign yourself to living like this without at least trying to get some help!