Family law actions are emotional things. While the divvying up of assets, assignment of debts, allocation of custody and parent time, and awards of child support and alimony are black and white things, underlying the entire process is a mess of emotions, largely unpleasant ones. Anger, pain, rage, desperation, panic, despair, sadness, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness….Swirling in with that horrible mix is Fear.

Fear is a huge part of any major life change….fear of the unknown–what happens with my budget when I’m limited to x amount of dollars a month? What happens to my retirement goals when I have to pay out x dollars a month? Why should I have to pay money to this person who is hurting me? When will I get to see my kids? What if my ex makes my kids hate me? How will I pay all the expenses I need to for my kids? What if I can’t pay the rent on this child support/alimony amount? How am I supposed to get a job and take care of my kids at the same time? Who’s gonna hire me??? Is anyone ever gonna want to be with me again????

I would suggest that much of the reason people behave irrationally, do dumb things, say dumb things, try to avoid legal action, or any of the thousands of different ways people end up hurting themselves in family cases is out of fear: “If I avoid the process server, they can’t serve me, and this will all go away.” “He said there’s a warrant out for my arrest if I try and show up to court….I can’t get arrested!”

While legal proceedings can be scary, the best way to deal with them is through Knowledge. Be proactive–don’t wait until the last minute to seek legal advice. If you’re scared about a threat made by the Other, ASK someone who knows or can find out about whether there’s any truth to the threat. If you married a bully, be ready to deal with a bully. Is it scary? Hell YES it is. But avoiding it, hiding, pretending it’s not happening, remaining willfully ignorant will do more to hurt you in the long AND short run than squaring your shoulders and addressing the situation.

Case in point:

I got divorced in 2005. At the time, I’d been a stay at home mom, had 4 kids, the oldest of which were 8 year old twins, and had no money to my own name other than what my husband brought in. My marriage had come apart, and my mental health was deteriorating. I couldn’t stay married and live. And No, I’m not being dramatic when I say that. I was scared to death.

So how did I handle it?

I rolled over and died, in a manner of speaking. My husband hired a lawyer, who drafted an agreement taking everything away from me except for some really minimal bits of Stuff. I didn’t fight to get custody of the kids I’d been primary caretaker of for their entire lives. I didn’t even attempt to stay in my house, or get alimony, or ask for half of the rest of our marital, not-insignificant assets. I signed my husband’s agreement. That became the terms of my divorce, and gave him custody of my kids.

I flat out gave up. Out of paralyzing, crippling Fear. Everything my husband said about how miserable he’d make me if I tried to get even statutory minimums under the law for ANYTHING, I believed. All the little demeaning, demoralizing comments he threw out at me, I believed. I was terrified–terrified of a legal fight, terrified of my kids getting hurt any worse than they already were, terrified of losing my mind before it was all said and done…Terrified. Scared. Panicked.

And so, out of blind, crippling, numbing, paralyzing fear, I gave up. Everything–my kids, my home, any portion of 10 years of marriage…all of it. Without a fight.

Ask me how much I regret that. And when you do, bring tissues, because I’m going to cry my eyes out on you, even though it’s been nearly 13 years since all that happened.

DON’T YOU BE LIKE ME. You be BRAVE. Find your support people. Face your fears, even if you have to face them quietly, by seeking out help online, or at a victim’s crisis center. Get real information. Do a little research. DON’T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! For the love of all that is good and holy, I am begging you, do not let fear take your life from you. You can do it. I swear, it’s hard as hell, but you CAN. And you Must.

A final Scene from the story of fear in my life: I am at my Aunt Nancy’s house, curled up on the floor in her bathroom, sobbing out of fear and the misery that came from letting my fear cripple me when it counted most. She is sitting next to me, on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, her arm around my shoulders. She is saying, “I wish I could poor courage into your spine so you can stand.”

I say to you–Imagine me pouring courage into your spine. Stand up. You may be afraid, but don’t let it control you. You are not alone.

I spent last Friday in a divorce mediation. The marriage spanned two decades; the parties have 5 kids. By my client’s account, it was not a happy marriage, and the miracle was that it had not ended sooner.

The agreement we mediated was about as good as it gets in terms of being a statutorily equitable split. My client WANTS to get divorced, but she’s still very upset about the whole thing. It’s just not really fair, even if it’s equitable. And Why?

Because it will never BE “fair.” Because she did not get married to get divorced. Because she has 5 kids who are heartbroken and disillusioned and upset about the situation their parents are in. Because she had planned on a Future, that didn’t include getting divorced, that may have included kids’ graduations from high school and weddings and grandkids, with all the traditions you see in an intact family. Because at one time, she had a Dream of what life as a married person would look like.

And that Dream is dead, not to be resuscitated. No divorce settlement will ever be able to make all the pain ok or right or fix it. Getting divorced Hurts. Bad. Even when it really NEEDS to happen. Getting divorced is like running head-on into a wall. Boom. Turn around. Start over. Somehow. And a lot of times that “starting over” is from less than Scratch. Like, no retirement left, no job experience, kids and expenses but not enough income to pay for everything AND maintain any kind of actual life.

You’ve gotta take some time to grieve after a divorce…Maybe a long time. Because getting divorced is the ULTIMATE break up. And we all know breaking up is hard to do.

They say time and mercy heal all wounds. The challenge is surviving the passage of time, ya’ll. So be gentle with your divorcing and newly divorced friends. It’s a pretty horrific thing they’re going through.

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Idaho Law

Idaho Child Support Calculator Software!
This is an online subscription child support calculation software for the state of Idaho. It’s a subscription site, but it does have a 14 day free trial option available.

Idaho Child Support Guidelines
This is a pretty lengthy PDF document, but scroll to the bottom…it has a table with child support amounts already calculated based on total income of both parties.

Idaho Child Support Services
LOTS of good information regarding getting a child support order, enforcing it, modifying it, and forms to do all these things on your own.

My Links

CLIMB Wyoming
CLIMB Wyoming is an organization whose goal is to help single mothers become better educated and able to support themselves and their families.

Department of Defense Manpower Data Single Record Request
A Military Service Affidavit is required in all divorce filings in this state….It has to do with complying with the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act. Use this link to get a certificate from DOD showing the military status of opposing party in your case.

Facing Facts: BPDfamily.com
This is a great site with pertinent information that can be used in dealing with an ex (or spouse or child) who has borderline personality disorder. Solid information.

Kathy Elton Consulting
Kathy is a mediator I’ve used before. I like her style, and I like her prices :). Additionally, her website has a blog that has good information regarding mediation (required by law in all UT divorces.)

Leaving the Law
A blog about finding life after being a lawyer…I need to read through all of these posts.

Low Income Housing US
This page is a clearinghouse for subsidized/low income rental housing information in all 50 states.

Utah Visitation Relocation Statute
There is statute that spells out what the minimum visitation should be when a parent relocates after a divorce/custody decree is entered. That’s HERE. Remember–these are MINIMUMS.