Advanced V.G. (Turbografx-CD) review

"Advanced V.G. actually tries to be a "wacky" game with "crazy" characters. I spent most of my time stone-faced, wondering who decided that parading a bunch of stereotypes across the screen qualifies as comedy. It certainly doesn't qualify as ingenuity: there's the strong girl, the bunny girl, the rave dancer girl, the glasses girl, the ninja girl, the waitress girl, the other waitress girl, the other other waitress girl, and the other other other waitress girl."

Deep into Advanced Variable Geo's story mode, young Yuka Takeuchi (female, 17 years) fights her clone. Although Yuka struggles in noble pursuit of glory and fame, her clone lives only to murder. During an emotional post-battle cinematic, Yuka's clone describes her lonely life... and passes away without ever knowing the warmth of another's smile. Alas, poor Yuka-clone! No matter what you ever did, pain and regret inevitably followed! Why weren't you allowed to wish for happiness? If you were fated to experience only sadness and failure, why were you even created?

Trying her best to hold back the tears, Yuka removes Yuka-clone's red glove and places it on her right hand. With this Memorial Fist, she will make the wicked genetic manipulators pay for playing God!

Before you let Advanced V.G.'s pretentious patina of pathos touch your heart, know this one small detail: Yuka is a martial arts waitress, fighting against other waitresses in... a waitress battle tournament. Melodramatic nonsense about clone life and death has no place in a fighting game starring bunny women who fart flames from their bushy-tailed rears. Asuka 120% understood this. Asuka 120% worked not only because it's genuinely good, but because it's a lighthearted romp that fits the loose playing style and goofy character designs. With its sloppy control and absurdly pretentious "plot twist", Advanced V.G. makes the entire chick fighter genre look exactly how judgmental gamers would expect it to look: bad.

Before Advanced V.G. gets all weepy near the end, it actually tries to be a "wacky" game with "crazy" characters. I spent most of my time stone-faced, wondering who decided that parading a bunch of stereotypes across the screen qualifies as comedy. It certainly doesn't qualify as ingenuity: there's the strong girl, the bunny girl, the rave dancer girl, the glasses girl, the ninja girl, the waitress girl, the other waitress girl, the other other waitress girl, and the other other other waitress girl. Despite being overloaded with waitresses, none of them are even half as cool as Guilty Gear's Jam Kuradoberi. Even worse, you're forced to listen to all of these vapid caricatures say a lot of nothing during unskippable cinematics and unskippable pre-battle conversations.

As for the fighting itself:

The control is somewhat stiff, though I've played worse.

It lacks a cool combo system or power gauge.

Fireballs sometimes harmlessly pass through opponents.

The later enemies are so cheap that you're forced to develop degenerate tactics just to scrape by.

One of the final bosses has a barrier shield, making him immune to projectiles.

That same boss hits you with lightning bolts whenever you get near him.

Another boss is COMPLETELY INVISIBLE.

I've concluded, after a long and painful experience, that Advanced Variable Geo is a bad, bad fighting game. But it could be worse. The waitresses could all get raped when they lose, like they do in the original PC version. Fortunately, TGL has removed all of the sex so that people who buy 2D fighting games starring nothing but big-breasted girls won't be offended.

Cut the crap -- get Asuka 120% Maxima Burning Fest instead. It controls like a dream, it's got diversity, and you can actually play through its story mode with more than one character.

One Chance is a bad game for obvious reasons. The graphics are poor, the music is repetitive, the guy walks slowly, the story is silly, player interaction is minimal, and victory is achieved through repetition instead of mastery. Its claim to fame is that you only have one chance unless you game the syst...

I view people who subscribe to the holy book of Canabalt the same way that Orson Scott Card intended readers to view Xenocide's Qing-Jao: as obsessive and deranged failures, compulsively tracing lines in wood until they realize they've accomplished nothing. Then they die.

Once upon a time, all this blood and nudity would have been daring. I remember gasping in awe when playing the originals . . . of course, those were marketed towards pre-teens who couldn't even get into R-rated flicks. In today's world, hacking up misshapen beasts and grabbing softcore pics just isn't enough.

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