10 Things I Learned This Week Watching The World Cup

David Young

9:47 pm, June 19th, 2014

Another week of wall-to-wall football, and another week of knowledge. Here’s what I (and hopefully you) learned.

1. Hooray for USA’s win over Ghana, but they’re too overmatched to progress much further. But, contrary to what I said last week, I am willing to entertain the notion of success. So while you’re on the world stage, Team USA, why don’t you get something out of it. Look, if the US goes down like we expect, we’ll pull our troops out of say, Chad. Yes, we really do have men stationed inside Chad , and yes, I really am so immature that I’m laughing my ass off right now. Conversely, if we win the Cup, the world has to call the sport “soccer” for the rest of time. Seems fair.

2. England got what it deserved. I was in as close to a pub as you can find in Arizona, wearing my England shirt, rooting hard for the Three Lions. And after thinking a 1-0 deficit against Uruguay could not be overcome, I screamed when Wayne Rooney scored the equalizer. But rather than build on that momentum and attack for a second goal, England sat back, thinking a tie would get them through to the next round. Then they rightfully got victimized by Suarez’s second goal of the game. Note to England: playing to tie NEVER, EVER WORKS. By the way, as much as I don’t want it to happen, how funny would it be for Italy to intentionally tie with Costa Rica to knock England out?

4. CONCACAF is not the sound of a cat choking on a paper clip. It stands for the Confederation of Northern, Central American and Carribbean Association Football. Basically that’s North America including Central America and some islands. So the USA is part of CONCACAF along with Costa Rica, Mexico and Cleveland.

5. The World Cup uniforms are so tight they make me question my sexual orientation. Sure they’re moobs, but I’m still going to look.

6. If the Columbia-Ivory Coast match would have lasted five more minutes, it would have been a draw. Columbia tried to sail to the end of the game like they were, well, England, while Ivory Coast threw everything they had at them. While I didn’t have a horse in the race, it was maddening to watch Columbia waste as much as time as they could in the last 10 minutes.

7. Canada doesn’t give a shit about the World Cup. Okay, maybe the following map is blacked out somehow for Canada (and Alaska for that matter), but this thing is alternately mesmerizing and creepy. Yes, they know where you live and what you’re tweeting.

8. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Therefore, placing Jozy Altidore on the USMNT roster was insane. Did we really think he wouldn’t get hurt? Did we really think he wouldn’t get hurt without someone touching him? Did we really think he wouldn’t get hurt in the first half of his first game? You get the idea. #LandonGotScrewed

9. You would have to hunt high and low to find someone upset about Spain’s flame out this year. That much talent should score more than one goal in two games (and give up less than seven). BTW, doesn’t he look a lot like Donny Osmond?

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10. Everyone’s discounted the 2014 World Cup logo as a bad drawing of Picard’s face palm meme. However, I kind of like it, especially on a women’s shirt. Gotta be a penalty…