Six Habits of Happily Married Couples

Success in marriage hinges on consistent performance of these key habits.

Happily married couples are committed to the goal of giving each other pleasure. You must stay focused on the ultimate goal – which is to give each other pleasure and not cause pain. It sounds simple enough, but can be very hard in practice.

For just one day, try to maintain a consciousness with everything you do, by asking yourself, "Is what I'm about to do or say going to cause my spouse pain or pleasure?"

To monitor how you're doing, each of you should make two lists: One for all the things your spouse does to cause you pain, and another which identifies what you would like your spouse to do to give you pleasure. Swap lists, and now you know exactly what to do and what not to do. No more mind reading!

Habit #2 – Create Mutually Satisfying Love and Friendship Rituals

Rituals are habits that build and strengthen a relationship. One couple had the following "greeting ritual" at night when the husband came home:

He would first greet the dog and hug the kids. Then he would go into his bedroom, change his clothes, and watch the news, followed by a visit to the bathroom. Finally he would wander into the kitchen and mutter something to his wife, for example, "Let’s eat fast so we can get to the PTA meeting!"

One might say that such a ritual was not exactly increasing their love for each other.

How are your greeting and goodbye rituals?

So after watching how their dog greeted them every time they came home, this couple decided to come up with a new ritual. Elated dogs jump all over their masters and lick them. So they decided to greet each other like dogs. They started jumping up and down and hugging each other. They really got into it. They had fun and the kids got a kick out it, too.

Our actions affect the way we feel. How are your greeting and good-bye rituals?

Here are some rituals you and your spouse should consider working on:

• Daily e-mailing each other with a compliment.

• Daily phone call. (especially important for husbands to do)

• Anniversaries deserve special attention. Plan to do something both of you really enjoy, rather than feeling stuck two days before your anniversary arrives and then running out to get some flowers.

• Before you turn in for the night, try saying two compliments to each other. This means coming up with something new each night!

• It is essential to have a "date night" at least every other week.

Habit #3 – Create a Safe Place to Discuss Issues Openly and Honestly

Abusive relationships are ones in which you are afraid to express feelings and opinions. Happily married couples create a sense of safety that allows each person to feel comfortable expressing his/her feelings, problems, and dissatisfactions. This sense of safety is the foundation upon which a couple negotiates things that are bothering them.

It's common for each person to come into a relationship with certain expectations about how things will be. But without the ability to communicate and negotiate, these issues become sources for power struggles that almost always damage the relationship.

Habit #4 – Use Good Communication Skills to Resolve Hot Issues

The technique that every couple must learn is called the "listener-speaker technique." The problem with the way most couples argue is that they try to find solutions before fully giving each other the chance to say what they need to say. The speaker-listener technique ensures that before you can engage in solution talk, each person feels they have been fully heard.

Only after each person has been fully heard, do you proceed to problem solving.

Here's how it works: One person holds an object in their hand which symbolizes that he or she has the floor. While one person has the floor, the other person can only listen by repeating back or paraphrasing what the other person said. The listener can stop the speaker if s/he is saying too much for the listener to repeat back.

When couples use this technique, it automatically ensures that each person will be able to say everything s/he needs to say without interruption, rebuttals, criticism or attack. Only after each person has been fully "heard," do you then proceed to problem solving.

Habit #5 – Constantly Turn Toward Each Other, Rather Than Away

When you pass your spouse sitting at her desk doing some work, do you stop and rub her shoulders, give her a kiss on the cheek, and whisper something nice in her ear – or do you just walk on by? This is the meaning of "turning toward" as opposed to "turning away."

Marriage research shows that happily married couples do a lot of turning toward each other whenever they get the chance. They look for ways to be physically and emotionally close to each other. Turning toward each other means making each other your number one priority.

Another important aspect of turning toward each other is doing things together that you both enjoy. Taking walks together, drinking coffee together after dinner, learning Torah together, and listening to music together, are all examples of how couples turn toward each other.

A powerful way to turn toward each other is to show the ultimate respect – by standing when your spouse enters the room. Sounds old-fashioned? It is. But it's a powerful way to turn toward your spouse, make him/her feel very special.

Couples who "turn away" from each other don't develop closeness. It's a basic principle stated in the Talmud, "A good deed begets another good deed. A bad deed begets another bad deed."

Habit #6 – Infuse Your Lives With Shared Meaning

I often ask singles the following question: "After you're married, what do you plan to do for the next 40 years?" And I usually follow-up by saying, "And besides having fun, what else will you do with each other?"

Human beings need meaning like we need water. Happily married couples enrich their relationship by sharing meaningful experiences with each other. The ultimate in meaning is to share a common philosophy of life and life purpose. This is why couples who observe Shabbat together, and learn Torah together, have great sources of meaning built into their lives.

Some other specific ways of infusing your relationship with meaning are visiting the sick together, making a shiva call together, or preparing a meal together for a mother who just gave birth.

When couples share truly meaningful experiences, they bond on a deeper level.

These six habits may seem small, but when practiced intentionally and consistently, they will form the backbone of a deeply fulfilling marriage.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

Visitor Comments: 116

(113)
cindy,
August 3, 2014 2:16 PM

Good info. just wish my hubby could get intimate and was interested to satisfy me. He says he wants to but actions speak louder than words to me..He has ed but i feel its in his mind more so than ed...He has been previously married twice and both wives told him he didn't satisfy them sexually...we have been married 18yrs and that's plenty of time to change and he hasn't..He makes me feel fat ugly and unloved when he doesn't even bother to make love to me. I've dealt with it so long i just wanna quit

(112)
Antony,
March 18, 2013 9:13 AM

Its hard when my wife cant talk to me like a guman being. I have to change myself and what i do to the point where i dont know who i am anymore. I am not heard. I am not understood. She brings her family into everything. We dont have a private life. Her family knows everything meanwhile my side of the family dont know anything. All they see is a great daughter in law. And thats how i want them to see her. But i just wish that i had family to consolidate in. I want to but im a big believer in working things out ourselves first. Noone else needs to be involved. So please somebody help me.

Grace,
May 22, 2013 7:38 AM

recommended book for Antony

@Antony (March 18, 2013): I recommend some good books, like Dr. Laura's The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships, and some of her other titles. Good marriage counseling too.

(111)
Someone,
January 12, 2013 9:32 PM

I wish this works for me because my husband gives room for his family to run his house. Even his mother is the ring leader. Am so confused, do not what to do.

(110)
Melanie,
December 23, 2012 5:40 AM

Releasing, Resolving, and Rebuilding hope

Amazing what God can do if you listen to those that are wise and generous in sharing 6 wonderful "to do's " that will give you the tools to make the most challenging human journey in this life become a positive legacy of kindness on a nuclear level to your children, yourself, your spouse and be a beacon of hope and peace to those trying to keep their wedding vows to themselves and God. Thank you for the insightful 6 things to do!

(109)
Nicky,
December 10, 2012 8:06 PM

in-laws

I wish I can say about my marriage. My are the ones who tell us how to manage our marriage. One of the aunt even said in front of everyone that she hates and wants to destroy our marriage. There's too much drama and its all because I don't allow them to make decisions for us. I even decided not to go to their house anymore and my husband allow them to control us.

(108)
smb,
October 14, 2012 9:02 PM

It's so important for couples to invest each other. show each other appreciation, communicate their needs/wants nicely and keep the relationship strong. Thank G-d there are many good Jewish books on the topic.

(107)
Amy LFS,
July 25, 2012 4:41 AM

i love what u shared. So much to learn & put to practise. Though i'm concern of my partner's feelings i tend to turn away for fear that my boring words & mundane action would illicit no action or despise. i must overcome that. The web community & me are grateful for people like you who care & take effort to share so that families will not crack & form a crater. Our next generation need loving & wholesome families to flourish & progress our nations. We honour your works. Keep going at it.

(106)
vijay,
May 27, 2012 12:17 PM

Useful in personal life and for counselling sessions

(105)
Ruth,
April 28, 2012 8:24 AM

They are perfect.

They are perfect when LOVE is present. Love make all the rules easy and perfect.

(104)
sher,
April 13, 2012 7:03 PM

happy marriages

It is great to see someone making a site of trully happy people I have one www.sadtimesnomore.com and I help women and men who are are in a blip in their marriage LONG LIVE MARRIED COUPLES I say !!

(103)
Anonymous,
April 10, 2012 5:50 PM

Thanks!

This was excellent to read. Some of these things we had learned in therapy but reading them helps to emphasize how important these things are. Regarding #2, my husband has started our tradition of leaving a "greeter" (aka stuffed animal) by the door when one of us will not be home to greet the other. It sends a message that we're thinking of the other and its always nice not to come home to an empty house.

(102)
daisy kapoor,
March 15, 2012 11:05 AM

Itz easier said than done!!!!

(101)
Golden girl,
February 24, 2012 7:11 AM

Worried wife :Love him still

Your husband loves to give you these objects cos that is his way of expressing his affection. He is also closed to learning new things. For this 2 traits check his family life u will find the reasons there.
Accept who he is. Do not try to change him now- it has nt worked. Accept his language of love and learn to speak it too.
Dont let his lack of verbal or physical express dampen ur zest for life -he fell in love with that.

(100)
Esinrogunjo Bashir,
February 6, 2012 4:04 PM

Very Sensible

It is constructive

(99)
Roberta,
December 31, 2011 6:51 AM

Thank you for concrete ideas I can apply right now

Thank you for giving me concrete ideas I can apply right now to strengthen my connection to my husband. It moves the responsibility to my actions and words rather than "wishing" for a change. Much appreciated.

(98)
Anonymous,
November 21, 2011 4:35 PM

Love this article

I love this article. I particularly like the habit of doing meaningful things together. My husband and I have different fatihs, but we share our faiths with each other and recognize the need to worship with one another and as a family. This has brought us such joy in our marriage and in the lives of our children. We have passed on our love of community outreach them. Our oldest daughter recently opted to attend 'alternative spring break' with Habitat for Humanity rather than going to Cancun with her friends. We are so pleased that she made this decision! In our fast paced lives, little things like helping others is so often negleted.

(97)
Worried wife,
November 16, 2011 3:40 PM

Stoics and cynics and narcissists, oh my......

So all my reading of these articles thrills me to no end, but getting my husband to read it or live it is impossible. I am trapped and feel unappreciated. He gives me jewelry and cash but won't come outside to enjoy what has been created for us all, he rarely puts a hand to any work other than outside the home. Foreplay is nonexistant. I don't want jewelry, it is cold and cash doesn't talk to me or love me. I try to explain it and he says he doesn't know any other way to show love, but he refuses to learn any other ways and I feel empty and cold and miserable and sad all the time. How am I supposed to keep this together if all my joy in living that was plain to family and friends before we married has been crushed out of me and I can't express any of it for fear of being squashed yet again? He won't read anything I print or bring home, I tried leaving this on the computer screen but he just calls it garbage and exits it. Now what?

(96)
Leah Marie,
November 7, 2011 3:49 AM

I found one of the things that he says that i do bothers him but i found that he does all the other ones i am willing to adapt and i hope he will believe my words once he reads this article but hard to say cause its usually a one sided conversation a

thanksfor bringing this to reality for me i pray it works im withered and need to feel and be loved as i am sure so does he

(95)
Anonymous,
October 27, 2011 10:57 PM

make each other love being allive

I agree with the notion that opening up the fabulous aspects of our lives and surroundings enriches each person.
I think that people who have hobbies and are fascinated with being alive and share make the best partners. Lovers are the best lovers. That is, being in love with a book, or a hobby or your garden or your issues or whatever enriches the other person. But, it is important for the partner to also be in love. This way both are living two lilves and continue to grow and be excited about each other's issues and thus be excited about each other.

(94)
Claudia,
October 8, 2011 6:15 PM

Wow!!! Such a wisdom

Hi
I have ....finally a good marriage, it was not simple, what really worked was many things that now Im reading in this article i wish i would read Rabbi Dov H. Before would be easier, but under experience I can tell that Rabbi Dov is so right in what he says that I'm shocked about so much professional wisdom I'm very hard to please, I don't dedicate even a sec. With garbage articles, leaving my opinion my e-mail, just forget it. but the wisdom and professional style of Rabbi Dov Heller deserves all my attention, congratulations and many thanks for sharing your wisdom online, your fresh, professional and peaceful style is what many couples need, no matter what religion or philosophy you are in Rabbi D. has achieve a universal communication, 'cause I'm a buddhist and his style touched my soul, I will be in touch to keep my marriage in shape :)

(93)
Anonymous,
September 29, 2011 10:07 AM

I like the artical...n i found many ways to get happy times

(92)
Angela,
August 15, 2011 1:37 PM

This is all so good, I am going to see how we can work this into our lives, now the next thing is gettting him to read this all.

(91)
Sara W,
August 9, 2011 12:34 AM

Hi I loved the article and Im sure it will be greatly enhance my marriage. Im really posting hoping to knock off an innapropriate comment on the bottom of the list.
Good luck to you all

(90)
chaya,
July 6, 2011 1:48 AM

amazing article!

(89)
frances joy,
May 19, 2011 3:37 AM

refreshing to my soul

thanks God for this wonderful article

(88)
Sindhu,
May 16, 2011 10:43 AM

my husband is not able love me 100%

hi,
we are newly married couples we love each other lot. my husband is not able to love me or be affectionate. he had so many expectation before marriage but i din stand up to it. we are 70% affectionate to each other but we wish to grow that to more than 100 %. how to do that please help me

munish,
September 8, 2011 11:52 AM

All that u require is give him max time u can give rest will be solved automatically.

xxx

mel,
September 11, 2011 3:21 PM

You will need to grow to understand each other

Hi Sindhu,
Though at times your marriage may seem tough you are able to change all that. Did you not know what his expectations were?
You need to ask him what his expectations are of you? Once you have a clear picture you will be able to work towards them. It s important to discuss your relationship as this will open up the barriers between you.
It is important to understand that we are all humans and no matter how old we grow we will always need to learn new things.
You could see a marriage counseller and they will be able to guide you in the right direction.
Wishing you the best.

(87)
Belinda Gross,
April 4, 2011 9:33 PM

Thanks for the help

I have been having a very difficult time in my marriage of 12 years I just happened upon your site. I discussed it with my husband and we both decided to put your advise to the test. It was the best thing we could have ever done we have never been happier. We are going to renew our vows this summer on our anniversary

(86)
Anonymous,
February 23, 2011 4:48 AM

For scocking is need the man what is able to get sex with anouse man.

This manship is able to get sex for anouse men. 99%.

(85)
Anonymous,
August 1, 2010 5:47 PM

excellent info/no joke, really these steps can make Shalom

excellent how you print real articles that can offer solutions that are doable for a good marriage. I also love you quoting and using Rebz. Esther and her daughter, they are world class Torah inspiration!

(84)
Debbie Lambert,
July 16, 2010 3:14 AM

Thanks so much for this article! We are not Jewish. But, this is great practice for everyone! I would love to receive these newsletters in my email. Thanks so much!! Be blessed.......=)

Wow! Comments on this article have been going on for 8 years!
As a child behavior specialist, I too often have seen the 'products' of unhealthy marital relationships. About 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. Our modern culture seems to breed discontent. A study of Indian marriages indicated that arranged marriages do better than romantic marriages. Companionship wins out over romance, as well, in studies.
One possible piece of advice:
Consider your spouse your best friend, and confide in your spouse as you would your best friend.
Besides this article, here are some other useful sources:
1) First and foremost, my friend and colleague, Rabbi M. Gary Neuman, and his wife Melisa--their most recent book, IN GOOD TIMES AND BAD, is a 'must read' for couples struggling during these difficult economic times. (As Rabbi Reuven Bulka pointed out in his JEWISH MARRIAGE, do not underestimate the importance of financial stress on a marriage that is less than solid.)
2) Virtually any tape by Rabbi Avigdor Miller, of blessed memory, on gratitude and seeing the positive.
3) Rabbi Abraham Twerski MD has written about just about every facet of relationships. Succinct and witty.
4) There are a myriad of traditional Jewish sources, starting with the Talmud of course.
5) An orthodox rabbi and his wife can be great sources of information. Learn about the relationship cycle which helps so many Jewish couples.
May the best man--and woman--win! ... by staying together :)
Leon Zacharowicz
twitter.com/DrLZ
www.linkedin.com/doctorzach
6)

(81)
Tori,
March 12, 2010 2:18 PM

Don't be too judgemental of your partner based upon their family BUT...

Keep in mind that some of it may be ingrained in them. I know some of mine ingrained in me. When my husband talks to me about it, he is carful and cautious, and usually starts it with a POSITIVE observation. For instance, my mother is overbearing, controlling and emotionally abusive. She likes to put all these things in writing and send them to me in very elaborate letters... something that causes me great anger which in turn affects my mood in the relationship. When my husband reads what she wrote, he says to me, "So that's where you get it from." When I am startled, he pats me on the back, smiles and let's me know that he isn't looking at the subject she is writing, but the skill. And assures me that where she is hurtful to me, my gaining this tool from her and usuing it positively is a gift. Then he gives me examples of how I have put it to use positively. That sets good ground for him when he talks to me about the negative things that have been ingrained in me. Since he was positive and complimentary, it helps me listen to him when we discuss topics that aren't so pleasant.

(80)
annie,
January 7, 2010 6:00 PM

rituals to promote marriage bliss

a good pointer is to watch the family when yoiu date someone. Unfortunately the behaviour is transferred into your marriage unconsciously. no use pointing it out, it is ingrained. SOS

(79)
Anonymous,
January 6, 2010 4:22 PM

#7 Don't criticize or blame

After 20 years of marriage I recently read the Garden of Peace by Lazer Brody - one of the main things which should be added to the list is not to criticize or blame your spouse - however open the communication criticism or blame will always sting. However crazy this advice sounds (because how do you tell someone that you don't like something they are doing) - its one of the biggest secrets and success tools to a happy marriage. It will change your life and believe me - your wife/husband will eventually change without any criticism - Once there is love, your wife/husband will figure it out - and until they do - accept it as a cleaning agent for your soul! Take my word for it - I have never been so much in love with my spouse! You will find better ways to get what you need without criticism.

(78)
Joel Batalsky,
January 5, 2010 1:35 PM

Relationships

I believe that you can adapt these six habits of happiness to any relationship. Try it because it works!

(77)
Avraham,
January 4, 2010 10:54 PM

6 tips for a great marriage

Been married 44 wonderful years and we have done everything and more that the author suggests. No one had to tell us how to respect and honor the other it was just the right thing to do. One thing that is better than a date night every week is an annual trip to Israel for a month or so. Talk about stimulating and invigorating!!!! Wow!

(76)
Alexandra,
January 4, 2010 6:43 PM

A question to Daniel and Didier

Daniel and Didier, this sounds important, could you explain in more detail what you do? Let me tell how I understand you. So, if you feel that your husband hurt you or someone else and is not aware of it, you tell him? And he aplologizes before you? And he tries to act differently another time and you support him in that? And your husband acts the same way if you hurt him or someone else? Please correct me if I did not undrstand what you mean. Thanks

(75)
Daniel,
January 4, 2010 12:07 AM

This plus 1 more is what we do!

My husband Didier and I do what is outline but have one more (important in our vision) addition. We offer an appology to one another for whatever transgressions the other felt that we are not able to see / acknowledge and as for the other's guidance to help us see not only the hurt but to walk with one another on the first steps to healing. G-d is so with us at these moments and all moments forward.

(74)
Rochel,
January 3, 2010 8:03 PM

Both R Guilty

My husband and I are both guilty for the troubles we face. I think that if everyone followed this advice we would no longer be living in Exile. I also think that if one spouse is willing, then there is a chance. I have read many of the comments and some sound hopless, but if even one spouse does whatever they can in accordance with these 6 strategies, you may bring the other one around. Some of you are in seriously abusive relationships and don't know it. If you are being abused you need to leave your abusive spouse.

(73)
Dovid,
January 3, 2010 5:11 PM

Divorced and davening for a better marriage ,Baruch Hashem

divorced with children now. thank you for this article.
It stuck me how little of this we had in our marriage.
Davening to find a caring partner in life. thanks for your
kind,smart advice.

(72)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 3:37 PM

great advice..unfortunately, it's too late for me...

If I ever have the courage to leave my husband of 18 years (I don't because of the kids)...I will hopefully have the opportunity to use this advice in my next relationship...This is coming a bit too late for me....There is too much water under the bridge...

(71)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 3:15 PM

great advice

I can vouch for this advice, my husband and I do every one of those things, and we have the world's happiest marriage. (I give my husband full credit for it.) I always tell him, if every husband were like him, this would be a perfect world. I thank Hashem for him every day.

(70)
Anonymous,
January 3, 2010 3:15 PM

great enrichment points

a piece of advice to those who are having difficulty in their marriage and want to try out these points. "positive vibes". place your thoughts in a positive spot wether your spouse is in the vicinity or not. concentrate on the good in your marriage even if it's not much and let positive vibes flow forth from you to your spouse (works the same with same with children AND teenagers). in this manner you will create an aura of calmness and peace of mind within yourself and outside of you. the other party will be infected and pulled into your sphere.
it might take weeks or months but you've got nothing to lose. (this tidbit will work for the healthy but stubborn, somewhat selfish partners. i have no experience with those with mental issues. those couples might need some outside intervention.) peaceful days to all.

(69)
Judi,
December 27, 2009 4:27 PM

Agree with Lisa

It sounds so easy and sweet but both need to be giving and available which is hard to do when you are in war.

(68)
mit,
December 20, 2009 2:33 PM

to # 61 lisa

u give good advice in winning the battle [short term] but not in ending the war [long term]!

(67)
eva evon jey,
December 14, 2009 12:45 PM

nice lines

, hi ....... nice ideas , im getting married and i will do that steps , thanks for this , have a good day!

(66)
Naama,
December 6, 2009 6:08 PM

Great Hanukah advice!

Thanks for sharing these timeless reminder. I will send to
my friends in my Hanukah cards! I so appreciate your writing this article.

(65)
Robyn G-F,
November 24, 2009 7:03 PM

BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE AND SO IMPORTANT

I will forward this to all my friends. It is a beautiful letter with so much important information.THANK YOU AISH.COI am remarried and realize the error of my ways in my first marriage. I will apply these 6 important tips everyday.

(64)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2009 2:42 AM

it is great advice

(63)
Rivky,
October 27, 2009 6:27 PM

To Thomas (54)

yes, you are looking at it incompletely.
Do you also think how YOU will do without HER?

(62)
Chaya Smith,
October 27, 2009 6:22 PM

wow

Thanks so much, we really enjoyed this article and find truth in every word.

(61)
Lisa,
October 26, 2009 7:01 PM

Ego

Neven, number 53, you have to stick up for yourself so your wife can respect you.
When she asks you who the hell you are, reply back: "I am a human being, created in the image of G-d."
When she says it's "...only you, not me," ask her as follows: Why are you getting upset for? I'm not getting upset. When she says, "Why should I help you?" Answer as follows, "You married me because you loved me. If you don't love me, please let me know."
The key to winning every argument is NEVER GET UPSET AND NEVER RAISE YOUR VOICE. ALWAYS SPEAK CALMLY. RESPOND TO EVERY ARGUMENT BY TALKING SOFTLY.
Tell yourself that you are a person, and you were created in the image of G-d.
Finally, when your wife tells you that she can take care of the children herself, ask her (calmly) if that's what she wants.

(60)
Yosef,
October 11, 2009 7:45 PM

To 55

These habits won't help you; manic and drug addiction is not your fault and you can't change it on your own. You - your husband, actually, needs professional help - medication for manic depressive and a therapist/12 step group for his addictions. I hate to be blunt but there is NO other way.
You keep telling yourself if you'd be just the perfect wife all his issues will go away. Sorry. You didn't create them, and you can't solve them. Your love will hopefully lead him to getting the help he needs and will be waiting for him when he is cured. But it's not going to solve it on it owns.
May Hashem grant your heart's desire and may your Husband have a refuah shelema, and may all this be but a misty dream that barely was.

(59)
Maria,
October 6, 2009 7:19 PM

I think this 6 habits program lends itself to be applied to other interpersonal relationships with minor, appropriated modifications. I'm planning to use it to improve my relationship with my mother.
May you all have a wonderful year!

(58)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2009 3:14 AM

response to #55

I am sorry that you have had such a difficult experience. It seems like now is a good time for you to meet with a counselor who is savvy about dealing with addiction and addictive behavior, someone with experience and knowledge about this type of situation. Or you may want to attend Naranon meetings to hear from others how they were able to manage. I hope this helps. Wishing you success in the new year.

(57)
Deedee,
September 21, 2009 2:54 AM

Happy for others

It isn't so easy to change. You just feel sad that so much is lost. If there was common ground or agreement...there could be conversation and appreciation. I am happy for others it was a great article.

(56)
,
July 22, 2009 1:44 PM

How do you get it back

Let me start by saying I married in 02 middle age, we both have children, mind still living at home(18 w/issues). I knew that I he was my soul mate, he alway brought the best out of me, I know and he professes the same, even sitll for me. Lifes issues, have a constant cloud over our relationship and we both are finding it difficult to find any of the sunshine that stimulated our marriage, alway silence, nit picking and grumpy and I am so unhappy. I miss and love my husband and know that our marriage needs a make over w/consistancy, what should I do

(55)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2009 4:36 PM

I love my husband

I really love my husband. i married him 1 yr ago. i feel like i am living in hell. he is not willing to go coucelling or try to sort him self out. he is a manic depressive within less than one yr he became an alcoholic and now drugs. i do not want to divorce him. i am hoping that he will try these 6 steps to try to make us happy again. i am a very postive person but when it comes to my marriage i have turned out to be very negative. i am hoping he will try as i am wiling to do any thing.

(54)
thomas,
May 12, 2009 12:02 AM

i love my wife to the extent that i cant imagine how she could ever do without me.

is this a wrong way to look at our relationship?

(53)
neven,
April 1, 2009 1:34 AM

Horrible married life

I got married approx. 2.5 years back... Now I'm feeling like I'm in HELL... I've tried to explain everything to my wife... she always says the same stuff... why should I listen to you... in what sense I'm not right... who the hell are you to say something to me... I'm doing more than what you are doing... I'm no way lesser than you... I'm no way causing or raising any issues... everything is being done by you only... if you want to stay with me stay otherwise go ahead.... I can live my life... I can take care of my self... I can take care of kids.... Because I'm not working, you are saying whatever you want... why should I help you... take care of your stuff yourselves....
oh my god... bring peace in my life...
this is horrible...
I'm feeling like I'm lost... I never saw such a egoistic character...
can anybody suggest me what else can I do here?

(52)
Ann,
December 27, 2008 11:20 PM

stop fighting

Anita...Try this...When you and your husband disagree...try a ten point system...for instance...explain to your husband on a ten point system how important the issue is to you...Say, "this issue is a seven for me on the ten point scale of importance. What is it for you?" Agree to give in if the issue is not important for you but it is for him and vice-versa. For the rest of the arguments, say, "What is more important, our marriage and how we talk to each other...or this issue?"
Then learn to communicate better. Good luck. This worked for me.

(51)
anita,
September 30, 2008 3:18 PM

love

my husband and i have been married 15 yrs. we fight at least twice a week. a divorce is not the answer. we love each other but dont know what to do. any answers out there?

(50)
cathy,
September 26, 2008 11:01 PM

no win situation

18 years together still trying to have a normal conversation ,thank goodness for our 15yr old duaghter and 4yr old son [who he made me wait 11 years for] who have kept me going.Going to visit friends together dosent really ever happen he likes to do this by himself,even to the neighbours.I have 1 friend i met through my daughters school when in kindy ,we have remained friends for 10 years.When i am lucky enough to go visit I am always on a time limmit if I am more than an hour i either get a phone call from him or the third degree when i get home,and grilled about how much petrol i have used - driving 10 minutes away once in a blue moon. My husband on the other hand goes to a friends from work who is 30 -45 minutes away [no worries about the petrol]oh yer hes usualy gone anywhere from 3-6 hours and o m g dont dare ask anything cause he will yell or ignore me never no which.He dosent really want to do anything with me unless it will benefit himself.He is never wrong, even if he is ,he will still be right. He argues so loud he can be heard at the neighbours [behind and side.]Well i could go on ,will take too long.this probably sounds trivial to me and our kids he is a nightmare.Unfortunately we have a past and children .Even though I feel I dont love him as much as I did, I know the is still somthing there.

(49)
Lena,
September 15, 2008 7:31 PM

HAPPY,HAPPY,HAPPY

Keep at your marriage day to day. I have been married 25 years and ups and downs are always going to be a day to day event.
Just don't forget why yoy married in the first place. It's okay to not see eye to eye on everything even the kids (I have two, a boy and girl) however you need to respect how each of you deal with any event in your lives together...BE HAPPY...

(48)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2008 9:56 PM

I empathize with you, Kelly

Kelly, I could have written your exact message: eight years of marriage, constant rejection, etc. This article is wonderful advice if both partners want to work at the marriage. If not, it is advice that makes me sad, as it all sounds great, yet I know it is not attainable in my marriage. I wish I did have a partner who would try these habits with me.

(47)
Aby,
July 15, 2008 5:51 PM

I wish, too.

I completely sympathize with Kelly. My husband is almost always indifferent towards me. I have told him these 6 items before, but he does not work on making an emotional connection with me. It's tearing our marriage apart and we've only been together 1 year. I gently ask him to work on this, but he just brushes me off. I miss our dating relationship.

(46)
Pam & Ivan Wade,
June 19, 2008 4:07 PM

Had It Right, But Did Not Know It...

My husband and I have been together for fifteen (15) years. We have been married 18 months out of the 15 years. We implement the six habits the majority of the time. I am happy to know that we had it right, without really knowing. Marriage is a blessing that we are committed to and enjoying. I hope that the couples who are struggling remember that it takes faith, strength, courage, respect, forgiveness, love, among other things to keep it working. Never give up hope. As long as you both try, you can reach that healthy and passionate place in marriage.

Mr. & Mrs. Ivan Wade
Houston, Texas

(45)
Anonymous,
March 13, 2008 9:55 AM

think you very much for this article.I've made a litlle book of all the 6 habits so tha i can always have them on mindon mind.Especially #3

Think you very much for this article.I've made a litlle book of all the 6 habits so tha i can always have them on mind.I was especially interested to #3 Because between me and my husband it seem like we cannot communicate in peace.But still,after 2 years of mariage,i am very concern.I want my husband to be happy with me.

(44)
Kelly,
March 10, 2008 4:57 PM

I can only wish

I've only been married for 8 years. I crave all of the things listed above...but It'll never happen. I especially loved #5. I would make such a difference to me if I were treated that way. Instead I feel invisible and unwanted when he walks by and doesn't notice me. I've gotten to where I just don't even look at him anymore. Who needs the constant rejection. Thanks for the article. It's all really great advice if you have a partner that cares.

(43)
Daphne,
February 25, 2008 11:21 PM

Thank you for good ideas!

My husband and I are both Christians but really appreciate and thank G-d for your very helpful hints. Having been very happily married 52 years we still have a lot to learn!

(42)
Edel,
February 23, 2008 10:53 PM

Wonderfull, thanks a lot!

and thank you for punking the anonymous

(41)
Malke Lipschutz,
February 20, 2008 2:20 AM

I learned a lot from reading this article!

I was married 27 years. I did have an abusive marriage. It's hard to take a chance and really want to get married again. After reading this article it sounded even exciting to put these solutions to reality. Thank- you much!

(40)
Lorraine,
February 19, 2008 11:50 PM

wow

These things are very interesting b/c their not hard to achieve with the help of Hashem and being able to listen to one another. Respecting eachothers opinions. Great article and every single thing you said works for a marriage.Thank you Rabbi

(39)
Anonymous,
February 18, 2008 12:49 PM

Oy Vay!

Dear anonymous.I completely disagree with you.I think this is excellent sound advise.Besides,if you are so happily divorced for 40 years why are you reading an article on "6 habbits of happily married couples" ? To the author,thank you for very a very good article.

(38)
suzan,
February 17, 2008 6:29 PM

teamwork

Good article. I think for a marriage to work, the couple each need to work on and improve him/herself. When they do this, they are more able to give to each other.

(37)
Rosen,
February 17, 2008 11:44 AM

relationship collaboration

It's important to have open, honest communication with one's significant other. And, the more they share the same or similar values, such as in Jewish intramarriages, as well as mutually love each other, the more likely the relationship will last and prevail. For example, my parents both married Jewish and have been together as a married couple for over 36 years, so at this point, it would be the milestone of a 36-double Chi! I will look forward when the time is right for my Jewish bashert to come along and keep up with the Jewish continuity efforts.

(36)
Anonymous,
February 17, 2008 11:02 AM

sounds terrible

It all sounded pretty awful to me --- I wouldn't want any of it. Maybe that's why I've been divorced for 40 years, and gladly remain alone.

(35)
Chana Siegel,
February 17, 2008 9:11 AM

Basically Good Advice

...Although we've never been able to afford the allegedly "mandatory" weekly night out. We have fun in our own low-budget way, though.

(34)
Nargis,
February 6, 2008 5:15 AM

it is really true.......will work if put to practice.......thanks for such enlightening article

(33)
samuel,
August 3, 2007 8:42 AM

What can i say guys!!its really good

(32)
Wasim,
July 29, 2007 4:51 PM

Rock

Indeed this is very good website I have ever found

(31)
Maria,
March 1, 2007 4:00 PM

It was wonderful reading, and needed.

(30)
Dick,
March 1, 2007 3:06 PM

Great

I was married to my first wife for nearly 45 years, before she passed away. I wish I had practiced more of the suggestions you have here. To some extent I did practice some of them. I have been married to my second wife for more than three years and do practice more of your suggestions. One that helps a lot is the every week have a date night. And the other that I do more of is when praying daily with her holding her hand as we pray, thank God for my wife with eloquent praises for her. She really loves that.

(29)
Augustin Francis,
January 4, 2007 4:46 AM

I love your good work by empowering and educating the youth especially me. I will love to be recieving mails on relationship for my self development and emotional up keeping. I love you guys. Hoping to more mail from you. Thanks.

(28)
charlescrosby,
December 14, 2006 9:16 AM

i like the piece i read and would need more to enhance my marriage

(27)
Dr. Smith,
April 27, 2006 12:00 AM

Exciting

Good stuff

(26)
Sharon,
September 19, 2005 12:00 AM

Email is a good way for each person to express themselves in an uninterrupted way. A "no putdowns or sarcasm" rule in email helps make it a productive exchange.

(25)
AryehLion,
August 24, 2005 12:00 AM

newly married habits

Rabbi,great words of wisdom. as someone who has been married for only 2 months i can share the obvious that life sweeps you up so so quickly and all the efforts in reading all available material BEFORE the wedding seems to disapate, with not only no effort going into reading about marriage, but not enough effort in the day to day building of the marriage itself! i found the article a good kick in the tuches for me...thanks ! The best thing that we do is the weekly dates, no phone, out of the flat, neutral grounds...refreshing...machaye...

(24)
S.,
August 23, 2005 12:00 AM

Great Article

My husband and I both have our strengths and weaknesses, but the nice habit he does for me is to open the car door for me, which I very much appreciate and I like to be for him when he arrives home from work in a nice outfit, hair nicely styled, and have make-up on. What man wants to come home to a wife who looks like a drudge?

(23)
stanley,
August 22, 2005 12:00 AM

it is wonderful comments

it is wonderful to know and practice the wedded life in smoothway

(22)
hans,
August 22, 2005 12:00 AM

meaningfull and beautiful

Dear Rabbi,

my compliments for your splendid 6 habits of happily couples...

i got laughing when i read about the dogs :-) that way of greetings would be splendid and really, my 2 year ol d son behaves the same when i arrive!

truly, i am a lot of time sunhappy with the sitting down of my wife when i or the children enter the home. I ought this is not a good habit. Though she realises soemthing is wrong, she keeps sitting down and typing her comp even when her son of 13 says hello and enters, glaring at her behaviour...
I think it is so a lot of mercy when someone realises, that saying cu, i see you, see ya, means : LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, turned towards each other is seeing each one. I am bad of hearing so more conscious if that. But it is not nice to see so a hughe number of people talking to each, only using their ears...
i can imagine elseway, in someone who is sorrowed with an inner conflict, about guilt or thelike. but especionally to that people it would be healing to have the chance to look at another instead of benching towards the ground or the keyboard.

so thanks Rabbi for the words!
mazzel and broche

(21)
Anonymous,
August 21, 2005 12:00 AM

I think this truth will be very successful It's a list of helpful hints. Love should be easy.

I sent an email about this book to Barry Kibrick to consider this book for his "Between the Lines" program on TV.
He is a wonderful Host and does a good job of displaying the book and interviewing the authors.
- Louise Huebner
(Whoops, I thought this was a book). Sorry.

(20)
ruth Berman,
July 26, 2005 12:00 AM

excellent advice.can be done with children, family and friends

Excellent advice. what does one do with information that will hurts? there are ways of coming from the "I" and not the "you".

(19)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2005 12:00 AM

S M I L E

We are very happily married and want to remain this way, thank you for an article on how to enrich our marriage... I smiled thinking of how I feel like a teenager, when my husband mails me at work or calls me, I love that we are so connected.

(18)
Anonymous,
April 7, 2005 12:00 AM

How to have a happy marriage by working really hard at it and concentrating.

Your standards are high. It gives us much to look forward to in the next 36 years.

(17)
M.E.,
March 10, 2005 12:00 AM

Happily married

We have been happily married and intensely close for 30 years. Our 1st month or so after marriage we took a 'marriage enrichment' class that basically taught couples how to argue and fight effectively, that is, in a way that strengthens the marriage. The arguing rituals helped us really understand that if you 'win' an argument with your spouse, you lose. I talk about this at 7 brachos that I go to.
One other item I would add to your list: is to find something to laugh out loud together about every day.
M.E.

(16)
Sheila,
January 17, 2005 12:00 AM

P.S.

Don't sweat the small stuff!! Is there a better way to say it?!?! You'll let it slide off your back when your buddies do it, so, geesh, let it it ride. Being annoyed only affects you. You claim to be "laid back" so let's see it...all the time!!!

(15)
curtis stokes,
October 14, 2004 12:00 AM

Awesome!

read your page with my wife to be, and found that we both found a common ground to share on a deeper level.

(14)
Beverly Berdine,
September 20, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank You

My husband and I are legally separated, but I am reconsidering, these habits listed are a good starting point and I am hoping the minister we once shared can use these to help us. 14 years is too long a time to throw to the wind.

(13)
Chana,
January 2, 2003 12:00 AM

It is exactly the whole point of marriage! Correct!

I feel my husband and I have so much in common with each other. One person actually said to me last week that our Matchmaker did a very good job in putting us both together. I told her that perhaps she did, but we really like each other and want our committment of marriage to work very much so we really take care of each other. We feel as if we are really blood relatives. We are very close! This is a very good article and kind of sums up what should be expected in a good relationship!

(12)
Cheryl,
August 25, 2002 12:00 AM

Great Article!!

My husband and I have rituals from day one. He always kisses me when he leaves and comes home. Sometimes I even get a great big hug. He most always touches my shoulder at least or kisses when he comes into the office. At night we have a thing called "Tell me how much you love me." and its silly things like "I love you more than all the tomatoes in the world or all the rain drops outside." sometimes this makes me cry because I know this is very special to us and when in life it is time for us to part, this is the one thing we'll do, I just know it. We also learned from our Rabbi this Shabbot that they do "hightlights" at dinner with their children. Highlights is something everyone must do and it is picking one thing out of your day that was the "highlight." Because no matter what happens in your day, we need to look for at least one positive thing. Thank you for this article, it reminds me of how special my marriage is and a GREAT BLESSING!

(11)
Karen Hilchey,
June 15, 2002 12:00 AM

Fantastic advice

The 6 steps given I find are very useful and make lots of sense.

(10)
Hans Rosenfeld,
January 19, 2002 12:00 AM

Marriage is a gift from G_D but it is our duty to preserve it

Life and Marriage as we all know... They are G_D's gifts to us.
It is our dutty as beneficiaries of those gifts to preserve them and to enjoy them and we have been given Torah rules to help us do so.
Your Rules are great modern updates to be incorporated into the old rules.

(9)
jaramy carmody,
January 18, 2002 12:00 AM

I liked It

Dear Rabbi Dov,
Your article made me feel really good for many reasons. First of all, my fiancee and I are already in many of these practices and I feel we are on the right track. As I am planning on converting to Judaism before we get married (Her family is Jewish Already) The different Observances really affirm my decision to have our lives shared even more through the Torah. Thank You for your insight!
-Jaramy

(8)
Anonymous,
January 17, 2002 12:00 AM

I thank you for your uplifting advice and age old wisdom.

Speaking from a man's perspective, I must say that it is about time that someone finally 'gets it right.' I have for a long time known that a woman is indeed priceless and should be treated as such. Bless you my friend!

(7)
Leah Almaliach,
January 17, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you for an amazing essay, well written!

I recenly got married and must say I found this article just a wonderful reminder how small things in marriage can have great impacts in order to enhance your marriage. May Hashem bless you to continue to write many more atricles that simply touch everyone to want to grow in Torah.

(6)
elizabeth mena,
January 17, 2002 12:00 AM

Congratulations, is very important for family snd happy married.
elizabeth

(5)
carmina sagman,
January 16, 2002 12:00 AM

i like to thank you for the wisdom
to create these web site.
i know i have learn a few more things
about my self.
these is a mitzvah thank you RABBI DOV HELLER

(4)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2002 12:00 AM

hey...quite a thought provoker!!!

(3)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2002 12:00 AM

Nicely said..

I had to scroll up and see who wrote this - and have to admit that I found this bit of advice quite refreshing...

(2)
Leslie Satenstein,
January 14, 2002 12:00 AM

Most appropriate advice

I am married for 34 years and feel that Rabbi Dov's advice is absolutely the most precious advice that any couple from any denomination can follow. Bravo Rabbi Dov.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...