17 Things Mark Wahlberg Should Regret More than Boogie Nights

Yesterday actor and Super Bowl abandon-er Mark Wahlberg professed at a Catholic conference in Chicago that he has lingering guilt over starring in Boogie Nights, the movie that made him a star. This is patently insane coming from Wahlberg given that:

The latter is hardly the only crime this man has perpetrated upon innocent bystanders and/or the general public. Here now is a list of things that Wahlberg should think about the next time he plants his ass in a confessional booth:

That beating thing

Throwing rocks at black kids

Breaking a neighbor’s jaw

Teds 1 and 2

Making a cameo in the Entourage movie specifically to plug his brother’s reality show and so that his real-life entourage could appear on screen with him

Making Ballers as a transparent way of spiritually continuing to make Entourage

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

Not lending me his cinder block barbell for chest day

Playing a cop in Patriot’s Day who didn’t actually exist and spending most of his time on screen being thanked for his heroism

Naming the Wahlburgers sauce "Wahl Sauce"

Teaming with Peter Berg to bro-ify every recent American tragedy by 20 percent

Starring in what are, somehow, the lesser Transformers films

Making it impossible for me to differentiate between any of his buddy comedies with Will Ferrell