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Thursday, June 28, 2007

10 Compliments That Wow A Man

10 Compliments that will wow a man Rest assured I'm not a total queen, but I came across this funny little article on yahoo news earlier today, and I thought I'd share it with you. Knowing how their site works, the article won't be around forever. I'll hyperlink it here, but it will probably expire in a few days. Because of that, I'll be quoting segments of this fine 'think piece' directly, givng all credit to it's original author David Zinczenko. My comments will follow each compliment and it's explanation in italics. So again, no italics is ole davey, and italics is me. With that said:

10 Compliments That Will Wow a Man, by David Zinczenko

"From an early age, men get hammered with the same message about how to treat women: More compliments, more listening, more romance. That's all well and good, as it should be. But sometimes, especially as relationships progress, men can also feel on the short-end of the fawning stick: Nearly 70 percent of men say they wish they received more regular compliments from their partner. I'm not suggesting that every guy has to be coddled and cuddled with verbal roses, but every once in a while, it's nice to throw one his way. While guys aren't particularly amped by compliments like "nice eyes" or "you're so beautiful," there are a few, simple things a woman can say to a man that really get him going. To wit:

"Your arms are definitely looking bigger."

Men can be just as paranoid about the way their bodies look as women can be. In fact, nearly 90 percent of men in a national Men, Love & Sex survey say there's at least one body part they'd like to change (42 percent saying they want a new gut). While men don't necessarily want women to lie if they're out of shape, it never hurts to notice he's looking good -- or at least trying to look better."

I'm not sure who came up with this one, or why he leads off with this compliment, but I find it somewhat absurd. No guy I am friends with cares about how his arms look. I remember seeing some stupid MTV docu about this guy who wanted ankle implants so his ankles would look more muscular. First of all, that guy was a douche. 2ndly, weren't ankles popular 300 years ago? I just don't get it. The same is true here. Some men may in fact be vain, but if I hear, "your arms look bigger" all that really translates to is, "your shirt's too small, ya big fatso." And that makes me sad. And it's ironic too, cause for how much men chronically masturbate, you'd think we'd all be jacked. In fact, yeah- that's what it is. "Your arms look bigger," is just a way of saying, "get off the internet and fuck me for christ sake." And maybe it's just me, but if I had to choose between a woman and my high speed connection, I think we all know what the answer would be.

""Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Guys spend all of high school, the better part of the work day, and at least 12 times a day via e-mail trying to make people laugh. Because men value their sense of humor as one of their most important qualities, a hearty, genuine laugh is as flattering as it gets."

Considering I've decided to spend my entire life making jokes for a living, this one rings terribly true to me. Call it wit-based-vanity if you will, but my humor is my soul. Without it, I'd be some empty vessel of a wasted life. And it's funny, cause I love jokes so much that I've chosen it as a career path. But it breaks down even more than that. Every man in every office...all they do is crack jokes, send forwards via email, and get fired for sexual harassment. But I promise- we do all of it for a laugh (except for some instances of sexual harassment which, after we get a new job, becomes a story we then laugh at). Really it comes full circle. Ladies- you wanna please your man, laugh at his jokes. But don't give some bull shit laugh, cause we can see right through it.

""Wow."

Doesn't matter whether it comes as he's getting undressed or after you've finished having sex, this short, sweet word (best done in a whisper) may just be the ultimate ego-stroke. A picture may say a thousand words, but this three-letter word sums up roughly 10,000 of them."

I'm not sure what this thing 'sex' is, but I am guessing it has something to do with kids. I don't know why David suggests that we want it heard in a whisper. Maybe it's just me, and no- tasteful discretion is NOT the name of the game, but I want a woman to shout it. From a mountain top. I want fucking yaks in Switzerland to look at each other and say, "you know Clyde...if I fucked people, I'd be banging that guy." But then the other yak would say, "You couldn't get that guy...did you hear that lady? Get in line!" Then, obligatorily as it is to say, the yak would look at his friend and say, "quit yakking so much." (Ah-thank you I am here all week.)

""You the man."

Guys hear this all the time. From other guys. They hear it at work, on the golf course, and when one dude from the group buys the beer. But if it comes from a woman -- no matter the context -- the message is that, hey, we're buddies, too. Which is actually pretty darn sexy."

I never want to hear this from a woman. If I'm dating a girl that says, "You da man," I'll dump her right there. Ok, so maybe that drastic of an action is bad news, but you know what I mean. We're not shooting hoops, or having a thumb war. I'm not at the bar with the guys. David says men like this cause it makes the guy feel like his girl is one of the guys. Let me say that again: it makes the guy feel like his girl is a guy. Not simple enough for you? Go try it out then. I think you'll find, whether men will consciously acknowledge it or not, that they'll at least stumble, stutter, and give an eyebrow raise, all the while thinking, "Oh my god...is this girl a dyke? She does have sideburns...hmmm."

""The kids just adore you."

More than 50 percent of men say that their families -- more so than work and salary -- are what defines them most as men. So when a woman affirms that he's a familial hero, it's a compliment that stretches way beyond anything you could ever say about his haircut."

I may be a rare breed, but I love kids. I want kids someday, so I can build an army, and then take over the neighborhood. I may even name a kid Max so he can be Mad Max. I won't give them guns- guns are bad, mmm'kay, but I think there is some truth to this statement. After all, every damn gut wrenching movie I've ever seen has had some father talking to his (now older) son on his death bed. The dad says, "I wish I would have been a better father." They both cry, I start crying, and my roommate calls me queer. It's like a mathematical formula it's so damn predictable. Anyway, as I am sure most men can relate to that darling moment in a film, I can't. I have a great dad. I will be a great dad. And my kids'll be sitting back drinking beers and smoking joints with me. And if that isn't good parenting, well then I challenege you to do better. As for when the kids are young? Meh. Nature vs. Nurture. All you gotta do is behave like a child (which most women will say men do already), and the kids will eat you up like a PB & J- no crust.

""What do you think?"

We've all seen it a million times with long-married couples: They engage in cerebral power struggles, where neither can concede on anything -- whether it's the best way to move a piece of furniture or the fastest way to reach the interstate. I'm not saying that men should have the only say in decisions, but some guys do feel like they actually have very little."

This is just plain wrong. Most of the time, it's men that should consider their wives/girlfriend's opinions more. We've watched countless years of Raymond, Home Improvement, etc. It's a tired archetype, but it's derived from the real deal. My solution is to just play lez se faire, but spelled correctly. That way, when they start riding your ass about how you're out with the guys 4 nights a week, you can say, "well look what I have to come home to: an all pink living room and purple sheets." While she may be mad at first, most women will trade a few nights out with the boys for the ability to decorate the place how they like, dress the kids how they want to, and plan your weekends for you. A DEAL WELL WORTH CONSIDERING.

""Cute feet."

Typically, it doesn't matter much to men if women like a part of their body that they don't control, like their eyes, jawline, or body hair. And typically, guys care for the word "cute" about as much as Paris cares for the penal system. One exception: The part of the body that is classified as being especially gross. Tell a guy he has good feet, and somehow he takes it as a double-bagger compliment -- that you not only like his genetics, but also that you appreciate he can keep himself better groomed than the rest of the gnarly-nailed heathens out there."

I'm not touching this one, just like I don't touch feet. My feet aren't cute. Hers probably are. Yours are not. And if you're out there waxing your toes and getting a pedicure, move to North San Vincente and meet a guy named Carlos. He gives great hand...err...umm...

""Meow."

The stats show that 61 percent of men think their partners aren't sexually adventurous enough. While a feline one-liner doesn't automatically qualify as adventurous, it does show a bit of inhibition, and the message is one he likes to hear: That perhaps he's brought a little bit of the animal out of you."

Oh fuck yes. David, you got it. If a girl ever (EVER) meowed at me, I'd need a new pair of pants. Men are sexual beings. We're all whores, we're all horny all the time, and the more kinky it gets- the better. Why do we do missionary until the cows come home? Cause we think if we're total freaks in the sack that we'll be judged. Conversely, even something as simple as a meow doesn't necessarily open the flood gates for us to be pervs...it just reminds us that the girls have fun during sex too. And sex is supposed to be fun, so Catholics- suck it!

""Impressive."

Guys love feats. They love accomplishments. They love being acknowledged for their strength, power, and, simply, their masculinity. So a well-timed observation like this one -- whether it comes after he carries a TV to the family room or figures out a way to fix the pipes without having to call the plumber -- feeds into his need to feel like the family protector."

This is why being a woman carries with it so many double standards. While you all want equality in every way shape or form, you still use your feminity to take us to the cleaners. If a woman is flattering enough, or says the right things, a guy will basically do anything for them. No I will not suck on a toe. But I'll do your laundry, help you move, watch you try on bikinis. Whatever your little heart desires, dear. Just let it be known, ladies, that these moments should be used sparingly. The whole "I can't reach that, could you get that for me?" will work forever, but the "lift this thing and throw your back out" only works in calculated moments. Plan your attack girls. And wear some perfume too. We like that.

""I want you."

Women don't need to go on about a guy's eyes or hair or clothes. What a guy really wants to hear is that he's the total package, and this acknowledgement of that -- whether it's referring to bedroom behavior or relationship stability -- is the ultimate compliment of them all."

Once again, David is on the ball here. My favorite instance of this is when it is whispered. Especially like at a crowded bar or restaurant. Cause not only does it indicate that the thought has crossed her mind, but it creates this inner radience that a man can carry with him the rest of that night. Or day. Hell, it even works at brunch. Just look up from the menu, and mouth the words. You don't even need to say it. Then we can go home and you can mouth something else.

hahaha, I had to. Sorry.

Anyway, that's all David had for us, and I think he did a pretty good job. For the most part, I'd have to say that the essential secret to pleasing a man is realizing that we're all different, so none of these rules can apply across the board. Ladies- sorry if I was sexist, but it's all in the name of comedy.

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