The 100 greatest descriptions of Donald Trump’s hair ever written

The first known published description of Donald Trump’s hair, as an entity that deserved its own description, was mild. “His sandy hair is probably a bit long by standards of the corporate world,” read a 1984 newspaper profile of the then-38-year-old mogul. “With the sides slicked back just a bit.”

Three decades later, describing the headstuff of the leading Republican presidential candidate has been elevated to an art form. Is is swirled or swooped? Animal or vegetable? (Mineral?) Burnt sienna or orange Creamsicle? Last week Gawker published an extensive investigation asserting that the whole concoction might actually be a $60,000 weave.

During a rally in Anaheim, Calif., on May 25, a flying insect walked around on Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump's hair. Trump also criticized Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton for being asleep during the Benghazi attacks, saying, "I don't sleep much." (Reuters)

Here, in the most comprehensive and highly scientific endeavor of its kind, culled from 30 years of news articles, we present the top 100 unique descriptors of the Trump mane, written by journalists or pontificators who secretly fancy themselves poets.

1. The complex superstructure that is Donald Trump’s hair 2. A masterpiece whose guiding principal is a heroic desire to completely conceal the forehead 3. A thin sheath of perfectly placed strands 4. An abandoned nest 5. A hairspray labyrinth 6. It appears to be a comb-over, but, in­cred­ibly, it doesn’t arrive from any direction. You cannot stare at The Donald’s hair very long. It’s like staring into the sun. 7. A decomposing ear of corn 8. A corn husk doll cursed by a witch 9. An ambitious corn dog that escaped from the concession stand at a rural Alabama fairground, stole an unattended wig, hopped a freight train to Atlantic City and never looked back 10. The furrowed wake that a speedboat would leave on a lake of orange sherbet 11. A Mobius combover 12. [His hair] resembles the behavior of alpha chimps who, as primatologist Frans de Waal reports in ‘Chimpanzee Politics,’ make their hair stand on end in order to look large. 13. The male equivalent of a push-up bra 14. An upside-down Twitter logo 15. A mullet that died in some horrific accident 16. Carefully crafted helmet of fine gossamer, woven into a precise immovable template 17. Golden fleece 18. Dyed the nascent yellow of a baby chick 19. A hue best described as ‘Cigarette-stained-teeth blond’ 20. The patriotic shade of amber waves of grain 21. A ginger forest 22. Orange fizz 23. Burnt Cheetos auburn 24. The same unplaceable tinge as the marble in the Trump Tower lobby 25. The ginger flank of Trump’s hair was plastered firm down at the sides, and a side parting had emerged. The back was long, straggly, and running free. 26. Orange and matted on the sides, and now white/silver, wispy, swept back, defying the laws of physics and practicality on top 27. More flyaways than LAX 28. More soft-serve swirl than Dairy Queen 29. An aggressive cowlick gone rogue 30. An unruly shrub 31. An unfortunate situation 32. This multidirectional comb-over is so complex that even engineers marvel at its structure. Resistant to wind and rain, NASA has looked at it as a possible Shuttle Shield. 33. The roll of sod that never looked quite right in your yard 34. Farcical follicle humiliation 35. Combed like he’s televangelist Benny Hinn 36. Like Biff, from “Back to the Future” 37. Like Lucille Ball 38. Like a troll doll 39. Dyson Airbladed 40. Norwegian bunch grass 41. Mexican feather grass 42. A South American Flannel caterpillar 43. The hair of 33 Barbie dolls 44. A hairpiece come to life 45. It is a flourish. On top, it flows forward to the forehead where it does a fine, serpentine U-turn, while along the sides it sweeps over the tops of his ears like rows of cirrus clouds. 46. [It] appears to be courting the women’s vote, combed on the left side of his head in the shape of a vagina. 47. A pancake hat 48. An omelet 49. Bread at the end of the loaf 50. A wavy slant that seems to defy gravity 51. White roots and light filaments wrapped and wrapped around the back of his head 52. An airboat skimming the Everglades 53. The halo of meticulously crafted bulls— 54. A Kangol hat made of spun sugar 55. What appears to be Daniel Boone’s mythical coonskin cap 56. A pumpkin having a nervous breakdown 57. Bolted down like a storm cellar door 58. Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels 59. A viscous, bird-killing oil slick 60. Fine strands of gold-plated fur 61. A horse’s mane blowing in the wind 62. A dead skunk 63. A radioactive skunk. 64. A dead squirrel 65. A mutant squirrel 66. A beaver’s tail 67. A very well-behaved guinea pig 68. A badger sitting atop his head 69. An actual, live woodchuck 70. A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots 71. It may look like a dead gerbil, but it actually advertises both his vanity (hence, his humanness) and his imperviousness to ridicule. It would qualify as the most original Washington haircut since Ronald Reagan went prematurely orange. 72. A dead, furry lobster 73. Diffused, unsavory salmon 74. Artless 75. Banjo strings 76. That thing 77. That construction 78. That curious thatch, which he wears longer than most men of his generation who are not in a ’70s revival band. 79. A small straw hut 80. Wisps of insulation material 81. Best left to an architectural critic 82. A face on the top of his head. A twin, all but absorbed in the womb. The eyes move. The lips quiver. 83. Buttery-fluffed 84. Souffle’d 85. Miraculous, restorative-powered 86. Epic and luxuriant mop 87. Billowing golden pompadour 88. Weird piece of velcro 89. Strange phenomenon 90. A glowing orb presiding over the night’s spectacle 91. A creation consisting of two different parts, like an Ikea shelf 92. A comb-over from hell 93. The new wave of comb-overs, [which] drops the lie and the shame and just asks onlookers to marvel at the scale, vision and depth of the comb-over you’ve just created. 94. The grotesque, exhibitionist, peacocky mutation that adorns his skull 95. The Trump Crosshatch (TM) 96. A mound of cotton candy 97. A bridal-level updo 98. A blow-dried confection 99. An inter-dimensional, gravity-warping vortex 100. “Hair”