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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Now that i know

I already told you, i knew all along that my trip to Mexico was gonna leave me with mixed feelings, but i don't think i ever could have anticipated exactly how mixed.
Not even after the year i've had.
I should have known better, god knows i've heard it all.
Among my favorites are "she's my girl-bro" and "i'm like her gay best friend".
No one wants to believe they're in love with a liar.

Part of me always knew he wasn't telling the truth.
But i chose to ignore my instincts, even though i should have known by now that they're always right, and i paid the price for it.
The price currently being a sense of unreality.
Because if that entire relationship was a lie, what can i trust anymore? Who can i trust?
And Mexico, as amazing as it was, will now always be tainted by that fact that the one i came there for, wasn't who he said he was.
The good person i thought he was; the one who talked me into traveling across the world to see him, who let me into his home, introduced me to friends and family, encouraged me to follow my dreams, said he loved me, that my happiness was the most important thing in the world to him, the one who talked about his lying and womanizing friends as if they were the lowest form of people, a person who knew almost everything about me, and who knew better than most what i'd been through and how damaged i was... that person doesn't exist.
And as it turns out, he never did.

Some guys have the ability to make you feel like you're the only girl in the world, but i wasn't even the only one in Berlin.
And i knew, i just knew.
And every time my cheatey sense tingled, i should have listened, and i should have kicked his lying ass out of my home and out of my life.
But i chose not to, because he told me time and time again that he was different, he was someone i could really trust. That he was an honest person, that he hated liars, that everything had a logical explanation.
"I don't post pictures of us together online because i'm just a very private person."
Excuse me while i lol.
Well, now i do, but at the time i turned down the noise in my head and trusted him.
Sort of.

But he was cheating almost right from the start.
It wasn't just in Mexico. I knew in Mexico.
From the first week i was there.
And once i started noticing the texts, the familiar suspicious behavior, i confronted him.
I cried, i wanted the truth for once. I wanted him to do the right thing and let me go.
And i wanted to not feel used anymore. For my body, for my company, for whatever it was that he was using me for.
At that point my backup plan was already in motion. I'd found an affordable hostel on a nice street in Roma Norte, i'd even gone by and checked out the location, and made sure i had enough money to stay there for the rest of my trip.
Ironically, he was probably with her while i was doing that!
But as usual, he denied everything and convinced me to stay.
Possibly because his family would have known what was going on if i had left?
Or because he still wanted me around?
I'll never know.

What seems so hard to grasp for me now is why?
When we first met, there was instant chemistry, but i was perfectly happy just casually dating.
But within a week, he'd said "i love you" in three different languages, within two weeks the word "forever" started getting thrown around.
He'd talk about how it maybe meant nothing to me, but his feelings were real.
I suspect it's his thing, getting girls to fall in love with him?
Some people get off on that.
And once he was sure i loved him, he was on to his next project.
It all sounds so obvious now, but when you've been feeling alone and unloved for a long time, that kind of talk is powerful!
And coming from someone you're already falling for, it's downright intoxicating.
So against my better judgement, i let myself fall.

Right before New Years she emailed me. The other Berlin girlfriend. One of the other Berlin girlfriends?
Who even knows how many of us there were?
She wanted me to know.
He lied to her too.
Even on his last day in Berlin, he was with both of us.
He gave me some bullshit excuse as to why he was late, but still came to spend his last night with me, and in the morning i made him breakfast and took him to the airport.
We were a couple at that point, and after everything we'd shared, i just couldn't make myself believe that he'd be with someone else.
Of course i knew as soon as i saw her name in my inbox.
It wasn't as if i didn't know she existed, so it wasn't a exactly a shock, but it still made me wanna throw up, and even now, if i think about it too much, think about all the months i spent with him, spent loving him, it still does.
And i know he doesn't care, he never did, but in case he reads this... in case you read this... just know that i know.

But finally having my fears confirmed didn't actually give me the closure that i needed.
I'm left with so many questions.
Was any of it ever real?
Who knew about it?
What did he tell the girl in Mexico who's now his girlfriend?
That i was just a friend who was crashing on the couch for a while?
Or did she know that he was cheating on her too, and decided he was worth the wait anyway?
Did his family know that he was with us both at the same time? Did they lie to me too?
His mom made me quesadillas, made sure i had warm clothes and cold medicine, and his sisters did my nails, and took me sightseeing every weekend.
I hope they didn't know, cause they are people i care about, who have been nothing but kind to me.

I've been really debating whether to write this post or not.
Then debating whether to post it or not.
I'm very used to sharing, and writing things that are a bit too personal, but admitting that you've been cheated on still carries a certain stigma, doesn't it?
Like, "what's wrong with her since she wasn't enough?" or "how stupid is she that she didn't see what was happening?".
And then there's the "awww" *headtilt* "are you ok?"
No one needs any of that shit.
But i know in my heart that this wasn't my fault.
I gave him everything, more than any one person could ever need, and he still wanted more.
And if someone chooses to deliberately hurt a loving person like me, well, that's their fault, not mine.
The only thing i blame myself for is being too trusting, but after the year i've had, i suspect that won't be a problem anymore!

Writing is how i deal with pain and loss, and i know that in the past, my posts about anxiety and divorce have made a few people feel less alone, and maybe this can too.
By putting my experiences and feeling out here in such a public way, there's a small chance that my catharsis can help another person heal.
I don't know that it will for sure, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

It's been a few weeks since the breakup.
If breakups are like little deaths, the first one of the year was like having a nuclear bomb dropped on me, wiping out my entire life and existence, and the second one was more like getting stabbed in the gut repeatedly by someone gently whispering "i'll never hurt you, baby" in your ear.
The first one cost me my identity, and the second one my faith in people.
My identity has been rebuilt, and is stronger than ever.
My faith in people? I guess i'll just have to wait and see about that.
The year 2014 started off with heartbreak, and it ended with it too.
But it also ended with me finally knowing the truth about the guy i used to love, and however painful that may be, it's still better than not knowing.

Ive followed your blog for a good while now, and I realise that I probably cant say much, if anything, that will matter to you. Ive never been cheated on, and your whole life is very different to mine, but you are such an inspiration to me, You seem to me to be such a strong, fierce woman, but also very vulnerable and with a shell that would likely make me not ever dare to talk to you in real life. So yay for the internet :)Anyway, I dont judge you or anyone else for doing whatever they feel they need to do in a situtation such as the one you were in, and cheating can happen to the best of people. You've definitely experienced some hardship in your life, thats obvious to me. But please, please try to believe in the good in some os us out here, and please try to keep a softness inside, instead of growing tough and callous. Peace and good thoughts to you.

Yay for internet indeed, although i swear i'm the most approachable person you'd ever meet :)Thanks for the advice, i am trying to see the good in people, but just be less trusting, i guess.But it's a fine balance :)

I've been cheated on like 45 times, I don't know what it is. It made me into a really bitter cynical woman for years. I became pretty mean to guys, and started using them right back.

When I met Ryan I felt like it was weird that I was dating a nice person. What does that say?? Like, shouldn't I deserve a nice person? I didn't think so.

I didn't let him say I was his girlfriend for over a year, and I tried to break up with him a bunch but he stuck around somehow and eventually (and really REALLY slowly) I learned to trust him. But it was a lot of work for both of us.

Anyway yeah, it's fucking BRUTAL getting cheated on. I hate that this second guy knew everything that happened and went ahead and fucked you over anyway. What kind of a person does shit like that? Seriously. Totally selfish, totally narcissistic, totally MEAN.

I'm sorry that happened. Take your time trusting again, it's ok if you don't for a while. If you meet the "right person" or whatever during that time they will wait.

Whoa, i'm really sorry to hear that.But it's a natural response to getting fucked over that much, you just can't help but be cynical!I'm happy you found Ryan.And yeah, the fact that he was my friend too, and knew every single detail of my past breakup is one of the reasons i kept trusting him. Because i just couldn't imagine that he'd lie to me, knowing everything that happened. That would just be cruel and he never struck me as a cruel person.I'm definitely in no condition to meet anyone serious for a while!

All I wrote in it was that I thank you for your thoughts. They are indeend encouraging and I hope that the comments here do the same to you. Everyone who has been with a person who doesn't care but manipulates and plays with you, knows this cold, steely feeling which crawls out most clearly in silent moments. But you feel numb and overtaxed at the same time because that person sucks all the energy out of your body and brain. It's human not to be able to make the right decision at that moment.I send you a hug from Cologne

I had the vibe that this had happened. I know I can't say anything to make you feel better. As you sadly know already - it's a process that takes time. It rocks your very core and makes you analyse yourself to exhaustion. Don't do that to yourself. Know that you are a trusting and loving person and seeing past what now may be obvious in retrospective, doesn't make you weak. It means you have a big heart and see the good in people. He is the flawed person in this scenario, hugely so, and I imagine very unhappy inside. Anybody who can hurt and use people like that has to have deep issues, I don't think it can ever be as simple as just being a player, or a dishonest pig (he's all of those too). It's cruel, hideous and unfair. I know none of that helps the gravity of the whole shitty situation. I'm sorry it's just a bunch of words. But, peaking of words, I have a part of my favourite poem in my head, it always brings me comfort:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Thanks, since coming out of the total shock phase, i've been trying to tell myself the same thing. I do generally see the good in people, and that sometimes bites you in the ass.Words do help though, peoples comments and support make me feel less alone and less like an idiot, which is what i need right now. And writing is helping me heal. Words are good.That poem is too :)

That´s one hell of a year ! But happiness is a skill and you're good at seing the best in every situation. You're right not to blame yourself, we girls have all been abused at least once by brain eaters, there is no why, the y're merely ordinary psychopath ! You re dealing things with great dignity

t has been some year, but a great one too in many ways. I never would have gotten close with my best friends if it wasn't for the drama and breakups, and even the douchebag in this post brought me great happiness at one point.Thank you for your kind words :)

I have been following you on Instagram for awhile and have just discovered you great blog today!

This post will definitely help me heal! Thank you for sharing. I am going through a breakup too and like you, I fell like I have lost my identity. I fell like parts of the person I was has been "killed" because so much of who I felt like I was, I was because of the man I was with. Somehow it helps to know that others have survived and has become stronger. So thank you! :)

Hi Mia, thanks for finding my blog, i'm happy you like it!I'm sorry you're going through a hard time too, but we will survive and we will become stronger. However much of a cliche that sounds like, it's still true :)

I was trying to comment on your blog many times but it looks trying to do it on Ipad sucks.Anyway...I am your regular reader and Insta follower. Just want to say that I know that one day you will meet someone who deserve you and you will be happy again. I truly believe in that. You are awesome and you deserve the best!

I feel you. I had also a heartbreaking end of my relationship & while it was so short. I loved him so much, for what he said & what he did for me. Six days after we broke up, he told me he was dating his ex already (the reason we broke up because he suddenly had her in his head). Happened now exactly 8 days ago. He know how hard I had it and I thought he had it to. But still he decided to reply on my message when I asked how he was, very careful "That he was doing great exactly!"

All lies. Everything feel like lies. And then he blame me for getting in a rage mode & he was mad at me.

I feel you. I know we don't know each other. But this pain is universal & I just, maybe, finding comfort in "you're not alone" helps. Hug. BIG HUG <3

The pictures on this blog are my pictures, taken by me, unless stated otherwise.The text is written by me, unless stated otherwise..If you post something of mine on your own blog please ask first, and make sure you credit me and link to this blog and we're all good. Need to get in touch? Write me at floraamalie@gmail.comThanks for taking the time to read this, i hope you enjoyed visiting my blog!