THE LUNATICS ARE TAKING OVER THE ASYLUM

Upon reading on Big Website six weeks before the general election that Labour is set to unveil proposals that would require clubs to hand a stake of up to 25% to fans in recognition of their links with their local community (Oslo in the case of Liverpool fans, Surrey in the case of Manchester United fans, etc and so on), the Fiver scrolled down to view the cynical response with which this pathetically transparent wheeze would be greeted in the comments section. After all, Guardian-reading football fans are an intelligent bunch that would see through such an unworkable, vote-grabbing ruse from notoriously populist bandwagon-jumpers desperate to cling to power. Aren't they?

Apparently not. "This is brilliant: the first fresh idea from Labour for ages," cheered one reader. "Lord be praised!" whooped another. "First!" hurrahed a third. "Oh dear," sighed the Fiver, pondering the staggering gullibility of some folk who should know better.

But later, as we transferred our savings to the administrator at the Canadian Lottery who'd emailed to tell us we'd won £9m, which we would receive upon sending him £12,500 to help process our claim, it occurred to us that perhaps we're the ones being too cynical. Perhaps the government really does have the best interest of football fans at heart and honestly believes it'll be able to order Premier League club owners to hand up to 25% of their shares to fans for no reason whatsoever, or give them the opportunity to put together takeover bids for their club in the event of it being put up for sale.

Then it occurred to us that government interference in football matters is actually against Fifa regulations. Boo! But then it occurred to us that in Germany 51% of all Bundesliga clubs must be owned by the fans. Hurrah! Then it occurred to us that Real Madrid is owned and operated by its members but they're up their necks in debt and can't even beat Lyon. Boo! But then it occurred to us that there's nothing currently stopping fans putting together takeover bids for clubs apart from a chronic lack of organisational savvy and money, so the government isn't really promising anything that isn't already available. Hurrah! Then it occurred to us that we can't possibly be expected to form an opinion on this kind of thing, but the way the steam emerging from our ears was condensing on our neck and trickling down our back was helping to alleviate the throbbing in our head.

As evidence to suggest the current Labour government would ever lie to voters is as thin on the ground as WMDs in Iraq, we're prepared to run with it on this one in a spirit of extreme optimism. Then, after the election, when Labour quietly shelve its plan to have ailing football clubs run by the only people guaranteed to be more incompetent than those currently in charge, it'll feel like we've all dodged a bullet.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"This is mere childishness as we adults cannot turn on each other with a knife; not for the sake of the English Premier League going on in a far-away continent" - Kenyan parent Yusuf Baishe responds after his son Abubakar was repeatedly stabbed by a schoolmate following an argument between the two over whether Arsenal or Manchester United would win the league title this season.

SVENNY AND IVORY

The Fiver would give anything to manage at the World Cup. Well, maybe not anything important like its hands because it would need those to gesticulate wildly from the sidelines. And not its mouth because it would need that to sample the delicious complimentary buffets at those PR events where Pele says England can win the World Cup if Nicky Butt stays fit. But it would give away its laptop. So what we're really saying is the Fiver would be willing to give away a five-year-old mid-range computer with worn out "P", "N", "O" and "R" keys to manage at the World Cup.

So imagine Sven-Goran Eriksson's delight last night when he found out that he'll be managing Ivory Coast at this summer's World Cup and getting paid for the privilege too. "This will be my third World Cup and you are always happy to be there," he said. "Especially when you spent the last two failing to get the best out of your players and failing to prevent a tedious and distracting media circus round your players' girlfriends," he didn't add.

Still, things are looking up for Sven because the Elephants have some of the most talented players in Africa. "Didier Drogba is one of the best strikers in the world and he has showed that for many years now in the Premier League. There are other great players too including Eboué at Arsenal," he fibbed," Salomon Kalou, Kolo Touré - and his brother Yaya at Barcelona."

Now all England need to do is engineer a meeting with Ivory Coast in the knockout rounds and they'll be through on penalties after Drogba stamps on Rio Ferdinand's knackers.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Graeme Neill's comments about a Premier League manager Ultimate Fighting tournament (Friday's Fiver letters). Can I point out that in UFC, eye gouging is strictly prohibited. Much more likely is that David Moyes would defeat Mick McCarthy with an armbar" - Matt Page (and no other MMA pedants).

"No way would Mick McCarthy get to the final; he's definitely all mouth and no fisticuffs. I reckon he's more like to run off shouting 'Not the face! Not the face!' than put the hurt on anyone. Martin O'Neill has the kind of steely-eyed determination to get to the Big Dave face-off. And everyone knows you have to watch the littler blokes. I also suspect Arsène Wenger is probably a master of an arcane Japanese martial art following his time over there so he might have an outside chance. Other than that, I do think that would make an excellent computer game and that EA Sports should get on it as soon as possible" - Louise Wright.

BITS AND BOBS

After flying home to Sardinia to stew over West Ham's continued failings, Gianfranco Zola has decided to stay on as manager. "We can, and we will, do better as a team," he cheered.

Stilian Petrov has apologised to the Aston Villa supporters who made the 250-mile round trip to Chelsea for their side's 7-1 drubbing. "What they saw wasn't pleasant," admitted Petrov, who stopped well short of pulling a Wigan and refunding the travelling fans.

Yesterday's Bulgarian third division match between Balkan Belogradchik and Gigant Belene was abandoned after less than a minute when Gigant were reduced to six men. Injury- and suspension-hit Gigant could only field seven players before Momchil Vraikov sustained an injury. "We worked hard to prepare for the match and we wanted to play footbal - it's a shame," declared Emil Georgiev, the coach of Belogradchik, who were awarded a 3-0 win.

And Barcelona midfielder Seydou Keita has got the funk on because he reckons opposing teams don't give their all when playing Real Madrid. "I didn't watch it [Real's 3-2 derby victory against Atletico] because I knew [they] were going to win. I don't know if opponents give 100% against Madrid."