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The play I wrote THE LEGENDS OF LITTLE LUMP that was based on my first book “Tales from Little Lump – Alien Season” is now available to be produced through Norman Maine Plays. An edited down version that is safe for younger audience is available through their sister company Big Dog Plays.

Had a great reading of my adaptation of Ambrose Bierce’s MY FAVORITE MURDER. Which was part of Unbound Production’s Mystery Lit First Stab Playwriting Festival. The cast and director where great and got some wonderful laughs from the audience. I couldn’t be more pleased.

I’ve been thinking about death lately. Mostly because of what happened to my Aunt Jenny. I think it’s because the randomness of it just blows my mind, but I guess death just has that kind of effect on people. Making the randomness of life seem, well, you know, random.

I mean I always heard about snakes coming up through people’s toilets, but I just thought it was like one of those urban legends. Like alligators in the sewers or republican socialism. I mean it’s not supposed to be one of those things that actually happens in real life, but it did.

My cousin Tommy found Aunt Jenny sitting on the toilet, dead as a doornail. Of course at the time he didn’t realize she was dead since it was pretty common to find his mother passed out on the toilet. Especially after she had one of her all nighters dancing along side Mr. Jose Cuervo.

Unfortunately Cousin Tommy’s usual remedy of pouring ice water down her back side. Followed with a tomato juice and Alka-Seltzer chaser didn’t work in reviving her, because she was, well, dead.

Just sitting there on the toilet with a surprised look on her face.

No one was quite sure what had happened until the coroner took her off the toilet and there it was. A dead snake, just floating there.

As strange as it sounds I felt a little sorry for that snake. Apparently Aunt Jenny was on a high fiber diet, so that snake got a face load when it bit her on her back-end. I guess that’s what some would call poetic justice but it still seems like an awful way to go if you ask me.

And while I felt sorry for cousin Tommy’s loss, it was the randomness of it that truly haunted me.

I mean truth be told, Aunt Jenny was a mean old cuss, so there was only so much mourning one could do for her, but the way in which she went really got you thinking. I mean you’re here one minute doing your business on the toilet, and then the next a snake bites you on your back-end, sending you off to the great beyond.

I mean if that doesn’t hurt your mind just thinking about it, I don’t know what will.

I mean she was taken from this plane of existence in a random act of randomness. Which doesn’t seem at all as nice as being taken in a random act of kindness, and not nearly as profound as being taken in a random act of, oh hell, I don’t know, profoundness. If that’s at all possible.

I mean, I have to tell you, this thing has got me looking at life in a whole different light now. Not to mention it has me thoroughly checking the toilet before I do my business, because you never know when the cruel hand of fate is going to come and bite you on the rear; literally.

All I have to say, is that I hope when my random end comes. That I, like Aunt Jenny, sitting on that toilet of ill-fated destiny, will also have the opportunity to slap fates cruel agents of randomness in defiance. Whether it be with my metaphoric hand or like in Aunt Jenny’s case, metaphoric flatulence. Let me go down swinging, because if this has made me realize anything, it’s that life should be more than a random act of randomness. Also it made me realize the city really needs to do a much better job of cleaning the wildlife out of the sewer pipes.

I wonder; when exactly did we all become fearful of the fedora? Did the hipsters and the too-cool-for-schoolers get together and pass a mandate against it?

Did the seemingly superior fashion sense of our gay and ethnic counterparts being able to “Pull Off The Look” better, intimidate us and make us decided to abandon it?

I mean I wear mine not as a fashion statement, or as some poor pathetic attempt at raging against societal norms. No, I wear mine simply because its comfortable. It fits perfectly on my head, and does everything that a hat ought to do. Keeps the hair out of my face, and the sweat from my eyes.

A friend of mine attempted to theorize that it’s just plain old fashion, and doesn’t say anything about who we are now. I think about this theory as I look around the room and see a sea of baseball caps, and can’t help but wonder. What a cap turned backwards on the head of some drunken slob sitting next to me is trying to say, sporting a cap of a team he clearly doesn’t possess the athletic prowess play for.

Longing, perhaps?

Is that why the fedora is feared so? Not because it evokes longing of something we might not ever have, but something we did have once; and lost.

Innocence, perhaps?

Maybe that’s why people look at me so strangely when I walk down the street. My hat reminds them of a more innocent time. A time when they had hopes and dreams, and anything was possible. Before compromise made it’s way into their life.

Compromises they made based on fear. Fear of what was or wasn’t thought about them, and why they even gave a crap to begin with.

Maybe that’s it, maybe that’s why the Fedora is feared so.

I’m not sure, but deep thoughts like this deserves another drink; don’t you think?

I swear, it was the darnedest thing you ever did see. My Aunt Irene had always had a little bit of a competitive streak. Especially when it came to dealing with Lulu-belle, the owner of the Beauty and Tanning Salon Emporium in town.

You see, Aunt Irene, was the proud owner of Irene’s Beauty City, located just outside of town. The reason it was called Beauty City was because the area it was located on was technically an unincorporated town, so according to Aunt Irene it was its own city where Beauty reigns supreme, and to her credit, it did reign supreme until Lulu-belle Johansson decided to open up her own beauty shop, challenging Aunt Irene’s monopoly.

Lulu-belle tried to get a leg up on Aunt Irene by adding the whole tanning bed gimmick. Which nobody really understood, because in the country everybody spent enough time outside to get a tan just fine without the help of some machine. Which if you ask me, really never worked correctly to begin with, because the few people that did use the darn thing, came out looking whiter than when they went in. Despite this though, her shop was located at the center of town, so the convenience of it won a lot of people over.

Aunt Irene tried to counter this by using guilt tactics to insure her regulars, stayed regulars. After a while though, it became obvious that convenience was winning out over quality. Now, I’m not sure about the quality thing because I never had my hair done by Aunt Irene, but she was adamant about her superior skills as a beautician. Something she would tell everyone at length about when the subject came up, and she made sure as heck it came up as often as possible.

I think that’s where the idea of this whole contest came from. Somebody, probably my Uncle Todd, who was always a little bit of a trouble maker, told her, “Okay then, prove it?” And like that, a challenge was issued to Lulu-belle. It was like one of those old fashion duels except instead of swords or pistols, there would be blow dryers and curling irons. Okay, this might not seem like much to you, but out in the country, this had us all on the end of our seats.

I honestly thought they would just gussy a couple of people up, we would weigh in our opinion and that would be that. Those two went back and forth though, bickering about favoritism amongst townsfolk, so someone suggested a three person judging panel. Where there would be three people judging, one picked by Aunt Irene, the other by Lulu-belle and a third neutral judge. Which was surprisingly helpful but I suspect whoever mentioned it was just sick of hearing about the whole thing and just wanted it to go away.

Both Aunt Irene and Lulu-Belle picked their most trusted customers and both agreed that Mayor Williams was the neutral judge. Mayor Williams seemed like a logical choice because he was known for his fashion sense. Maybe just a little bit too much if you know what I mean, but hey, to each his own as I always say.

Now, as strange as it sounds, I blame the show Project Runway for what happened next. I guess Aunt Irene and Lulu-belle were religious watchers, and wanted to do that with hairdos. They probably figured this was their time to shine. So they both agreed to chipped in and have an actual runway built in the lobby of Town Hall.

It really was amazing the lengths they were going to, to outdo each other and both were convinced that the other had people spying on them. Aunt Irene herself must have changed models three times until she ended up using my sister Claire. Who, to not speak bad of family, but really had more tattoos than sense, and I’m pretty sure it was Claire that persuaded Aunt Irene to use that snake in her hairdo. Claire is a self professed herpetologist. Which is the study of snakes and not the Tom Cruise Church thing like I originally thought it was. Claire and Aunt Irene were really proud of themselves when Claire was revealed walking down the aisle with that python slithering in and out of her hair. The mayor called it inspiring, but it honestly scared the heck out of me.

It was impressive though, and I was sure they had it in the bag, until Lulu-belle revealed her creation. Now whether they really were spying on each other, or they both watch the same episode of Project Runway for inspiration I couldn’t say. All I know, is when Lulu-belle’s niece Francine walked out on that runway with two ferrets coming out of her hair, all you-know-what broke loose.

The snake in Claire’s hairdo went after the ferrets in Francine’s. The two hairdo’s then became locked in mortal combat. Myself and a couple of other people jumped on stage and tried to pull them apart, but it wasn’t until the fire department showed up with some sort of crowbar looking thing did we actually force them apart.

The mayor fearing bad press, condemned the whole thing and had the sheriff arrest everybody, but the D.A. didn’t know what to do with that case, so nothing really came of that. The Mayor did threaten to take their business licenses away, so they had to promise to never do anything like that again, which they gladly did.

You want to know the ironic thing that came out of all this was? Aunt Irene and Lulu-belle were so impressed by each other they decided to join forces and open up Lulu-belle and Irene’s High Fashion Emporium and Tanning Salon. Isn’t that the darnedest thing? Oh, and just in case you’re wondering, the tanning bed still doesn’t work.

Doug Pinsky was use to a great many things when he came to these insurance conventions. The boring conferences, the lunches that consisted of chicken so dry that an extra glass of water was required to force it down his throat, and the mind numbing schmooze fest that took place afterwards at the local bar located outside the convention hall. He was use to these things and strangely enough was comforted by them. As they became reliable ways to mark the passing of each year as an insurance agent. The one thing that set this year apart from others though, was the woman dressed in a sleazy night gown, who was gagged and tied to a chair in his hotel room.

This struck Doug as strange as he had no idea who the woman was or how she got there. He was pretty sure he would have remembered if she had been there before he left this morning. And although he had been drinking more than usual, as one tends to do at these conventions, he was definitely sure he hadn’t had that much to drink. He looked at his room key and then at the number on the door several times, thinking he had mistakenly walked into someone else’s room. Unfortunately, each time he did this, it only confirmed he was indeed in the correct place. “This can’t be right,” he thought to himself, and finally addressed the woman by saying, “Sorry, I must have the wrong room.” He then began to excuse himself, and would have left if it hadn’t been for a voice coming from the bathroom.

“Well, that’s a matter of perspective; now isn’t it?” The voice asked. “You say you’re in the wrong room, but is that really the case?” Suddenly an odd little man appeared from the bathroom, dressed in a one piece suit that was so tight, it left little doubt to his religious affiliations. Also he was carrying a strange looking gun in one hand and a drink in the other. Clearly it wasn’t his first drink of the day either, since his speech pattern seemed to have a little slur as he continued to talk. “Possibly you could be someone with bad timing, who has just walked in on — well, for lack of better description, let’s call it shenanigans. Lovely word ‘shenanigans,’ used to describe a secret or dishonest activity. Which by the look of things would perfectly describe this situation; wouldn’t you say?”

Doug attempted to interject, not liking the insinuation this strange little man was casting in his direction but was cut off by the man who both seemed to be on a roll in his thought process, and was armed. A dangerous combination in Doug’s mind.

“Now whether you’re a willing participant in these so called shenanigans, or just some poor unlucky soul that stumbled upon them remains to be seen.” The strange little man then pointed his weapon at Doug and finished his thought. “Either way, why don’t you come on in and close the door behind you, because I for one, am dying to find out.”

The strange little man made a motioning gesture with his weapon, prompting Doug to move forward and closing the door behind him. Doug reluctantly did this and turned back around to address the man hoping to find out what was going on.

“Sir—”

“Zane.”

“What?”

“My name is Zane, not sir.” The man replied with an annoyed look on his face. “Sir is a title, not a name. Why would you think my name would be a title?”

Doug wasn’t really sure how to respond to this. Which seem to agitate Zane as Doug said, “I didn’t—” and paused not knowing what to say next.

“Well of course you did.” Zane replied. “I just heard you say it. So did she; didn’t you?” Zane asked the woman tied to the chair. She looked at Doug and shook her head up and down agreeing with Zane. Zane then looked back to Doug and asked. “See, now why would you make this situation worse by lying? What kind of anarchist are you? Really honey,” Zane said turning his attention back to the woman. “You could have done a lot better than this guy.” To which the woman begrudgingly nodded in agreement.

Doug couldn’t help but feel a little slighted by this. Sure, he had no idea who she was, but she could have at least put a little more thought into it before answering.

“I think you might have the wrong idea.” Doug finally said to Zane, who was still looking at the woman in some sort of disapproval.

Zane smirked a little and slowly looked away from the woman and to Doug as he asked. “And what idea might I have gotten pray tell?” Before Doug could answer though, Zane continued on. “Let’s look around and surmise what we can from our surroundings; shall we? A private hotel room, romantic candles , and last but not least, what do we find chilled in the corner here, but champagne.” Zane paused for a moment at this last discovery and a look of outrage came over him, as he shouted out, “CHAMPAGNE?!”

Doug wasn’t sure what significance champagne held or why it dumbfounded and upset Zane so much, but thought it was best to just keep quiet and try to not enrage him further.

Zane took a few moments to gather himself together and continued talking as if he never stopped. “Taking all this in, I’m having a hard time telling you what ideas might be forming in my head. Perhaps you can help with this quandary I find myself in?”

There was suddenly silence in the room as Doug was trying to stick with the keeping quiet and not enrage him further theory. This of course became slightly awkward as Doug noticed that both Zane and the woman were looking at him waiting for a response.

“Well?!” Zane finally shouted out.

“Well.” Doug blurted out for a few seconds trying to think what to say. “I think you might be under the impression that your wife and I—”

“Ah,” Zane shouted out, interrupting Doug. “Your wife, of course in this instance, ‘your’ meaning ‘my wife’, not yours, and ‘I’, meaning ‘you’, not me; do continue, this is most interesting.”

Doug again paused, not really knowing what Zane was after, or what he really wanted to hear. More and more though, it seemed that this strange little man was just wanting to mess with him. Still though, Doug felt like he had to explain things. If for no other reason, than to try to get to the bottom of what was going on. So Doug took a quick breath and replied, “I think you might be under the impression that your wife and I are have an affair.”

“Why ever would I think something like that?” Zane asked.

Again Zane’s response left Doug with the feeling he was being played with, so Doug decided to take a new tactic, and break the situation down. He began with the most basic observation and stated, “Well, two people ending up in the same hotel room.”

Zane nodded his head and agreed, “yes, very odd indeed. Please, do tell me more.”

Doug took a second and continued, “And the room so happens to be filled with scented candles.”

“Oh, they’re scented. I hadn’t noticed until now.” Zane said as he animatedly sniffed around the room.

Doug made a point of ignoring the sarcasm coming from Zane for the sake of getting out of this strange situation he found himself in. He noticed the next suspicious thing in the room but was reluctant to say anything since it seemed to upset Zane last time it was brought up. It was too obvious not to mention though, and Doug didn’t want to seem like he was avoiding anything so carefully he said, “and champagne is chilling in the corner.”

“Yes, very suspicious indeed.” Zane agreed and oddly remained silent looking back at Doug.

“Well yes, I can see where one might draw the obvious conclusion.”

“Which is?” Zane asked.

“That your wife and I are having an affair.”

Hearing this Zane looked curiously at Doug and asked, “ an affair? Interesting word; were you two throwing a party?”

“No, of course not.” The Doug answered.

“Then, I’m at a loss.” Zane replied.

“Well you know.” Doug answered in frustration.

“Obviously not.” Zane calmly answered back.

Doug couldn’t believe it. Surely no one was this clueless. “Sex,” Doug finally shouted out. “We were going to have sex!”

“What, are you saying there’s someone else here in the room with us?” Zane asked not taking the gun out of Doug’s nose.

“No, of course not.” Doug replied in a honky voice due to his nose being squished in by the gun.

“Perhaps someone was standing behind you and is right now outside the door that has yet to reveal themselves?” Zane asked.

“No.” Doug replied in frustration.

Hearing this the strange little man took the gun from Doug’s nose and motioned to himself. “Perhaps you were referring to me? Although present circumstances would indicate that likelihood is highly improbable.” Zane then began to point the gun back at Doug. In desperation Doug shouted out, “listen, I don’t want to sleep with your wife!”

“Well, if you don’t mind me saying? You’re doing a piss poor job of convincing me of it.” Zane replied taking the gun back out of Doug’s nose. Zane then took another drink from the glass he was miraculously still holding.

Doug used this opportunity to try and explain himself again. “Listen, my name is Doug, and I’m an insurance agent. I’m just in town for a convention.”

“Sort of a working vacation?” Zane asked lifting himself from his drink.

“Yes, exactly.”

“Getting away from the old hometown?”

“Yes.”

“Visiting with some old work colleagues?”

“Yes.”

“Taking in the sights?”

“Yes.”

“Which includes my wife?”

“Yes, exactly.”

Doug found Zane’s gun squishing against his nose again. Realizing what he unintentionally admitted, he tried to backtrack by saying, “no, I meant no.”

“Are you sure?” Zane asked. “You seem to be a man of many contradictions today.” Zane then turned to the woman and asked, really honey, you want to mate with these earthlings?”

“Did you just say earthlings?” Doug wasn’t in a habit of questioning people that were pointing weapons at him, but Zane’s statement was so odd that he found himself asking the question before he could stop himself.

“No, of course I didn’t. Don’t be silly.” Zane answered in a breathy type laugh, and then took another drink.

Hearing this the woman shouted from underneath her gag. “Yes, he said earthlings, because we’re—”

“Oh would you shut up!” Zane shouted at the woman. “Whose side are you on anyway?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Oh right, fair enough.”

“Are you trying to tell me you two are aliens?” Doug couldn’t believe he was even asking the question, but sometimes insane situations just have a way of drawing you in. Whether you’re a willing participant or not.

“Aliens?!” Zane shouted out the question and began to laugh hysterically as if he were laughing in the middle of a joke that he himself was trying to tell. “What an absurd notion.”

Hearing this the woman gave Doug a look of disgust and shouted out again from underneath her gag. “Yes we’re aliens you stupid moron. Trans-dimensional beings from the third reality, of which I’m queen to be more precise.”

“Oh would you shut up? No one cares that you’re a queen around these parts.” Zane shouted at the woman.

“Queen, really?” Doug said under his breath as be began laughing. All of the sudden this made perfect sense to him. This was all just an elaborate joke someone was playing on him. Probably his friend Ted, who was known for such outrageous stunts during these conventions. Doug felt like an idiot for not figuring it out before. “So I guess that makes you a king?” Doug asked Zane all-the-while thinking, “what the hell, might as well go along with it.”

The woman began laughing under her gag, and then mumbled out, “Him a king, ha! Stop making me laugh. Try a drone.”

“That’s head drone, mind you!” Zane shouted out in rage.

“Drone?” Doug found himself asking out loud before he even realized he was asking it.

“Yes drone, you water filled meat sack.” Zane replied. “ Now stow the attitude or have you forgotten I have the gun?”

Doug marveled at the commitment these two had. Whatever Ted was paying them to pull off this prank, he was definitely getting his moneys worth. Doug did have things he wanted to accomplish today, so figured enough was enough. Time to let these two know he was on to them. He wanted to be subtle about it though, as to not let them think they were doing a bad job, so Doug, with a little bit of a smile asked, “yes, and it’s a very nice looking gun; is it real?”

Zane smiled back at Doug, pointed the gun at the night stand by the bed and pulled the trigger. A loud high pitched squeal was heard and while nothing seemed to come out of the gun, the night stand split right in two.

Doug’s eyes widen as Zane asked, “real enough for you?”

Doug was thinking a great many things, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was, “oh my.”

“I know, right!” Zane shouted out. Clearly impressed with the destruction he caused. Which was followed with a little bit of a victory dance, which was only stopped when the woman mumbled out very loudly from underneath her gag. “Oh, look at the big drone with his gun. I’m so not impressed.”

“Oh, just shut up!” Zane shouted at the woman.

Doug was still not sure what was going on, but clearly these two had some issues they needed to work out. “This seems like it’s getting personal, I’m going to leave before it gets too awkward for everyone.”

Doug didn’t really think this was going to work, but it did seem like the polite thing to do at the time. Unfortunately he found his polite gesture was not at all appreciated as he found Zane’s gun back in his nose.

“Oh no you don’t, nice try my friend.” Zane said with a little bit of a crazier look then he had before. “You made your bed, so now it’s time to lie in it.”

This was followed by a little bit of a silent stand off, as both men just stared at each other for a few moments.

“So?” Zane asked, finally breaking the silence.

“So?” Doug replied, not really knowing how to respond.

“If you don’t mind?” Zane asked back.

“Don’t mind, what?” Doug responded back, still not knowing what Zane was wanting from him.

“You know.” Zane replied getting flustered with the whole situation.

“Obviously not.” Doug responded.

“For the love of—.” Zane stopped himself from losing his temper. Took a couple of deep breaths and said, “you made your bed, so now—.”

“Actually, I think the maid service made the bed.” Doug replied knowing this was probably not at all what Zane was getting at, but having no idea what Zane was getting at, just decided to throw that bit of information out there.

Zane just looked at Doug for a few moments in disbelief. He then took a couple of more deep breaths before saying, “I didn’t mean literally make the bed.”

“Then what the heck are you talking about?” Doug asked throwing his arms up in the air in frustration, completely forgetting that Zane was still pointing a gun at him. Zane reminded Doug of this when he pressed something on the gun that created a high pitched whine, pressed it back into his nose and said very slowly, “I want you to lie on the bed, damn it.”

“Then why didn’t you say that to begin with?” Doug asked with a nervous laugh.

Zane sighed as he pulled the gun back out of Doug’s nose and answered, “You are just determined to suck the poetry out of all of this, aren’t you?” Zane then turned around and ask the woman, “Really, you passed me over, to be with one of these?”

To which the woman just shrugged and responded, “Eh.”

Her reply seemed to annoy Zane, as his muscles seemed to tense up as if he wanted to hit her but was making a conscious effort not to follow through with that instinct. Instead, he took in another deep breath and turned his attention back to Doug. “Now,” Zane shouted out as if to get the attention of the entire room, and looked at Doug with a cold stare. He paused for a few moments before continuing and spoke very slowly in almost a monotone voice. “I would like for you, to lie down, on the bed, you see before you, now please.”

“Why are you talking like that?” Again Doug knew it wasn’t wise to ask this man, or whatever he was, who was pointing a gun at him too many questions, but this particular crazy train had already left the station and Doug found himself asking the question before he even knew what was going on. It was as if he were outside his body and just watching things unfold that he had no control over.

Zane laughed a little as he repeated Doug’s question. “Why am I talking like this? Because, obviously you’re a moron! Now, get down on the damn bed!” Zane shouted out.

Doug’s instinct was to respond by saying, “okay, all you had to do was ask.” But fought the urge, thinking it would just send this Zane person over the edge. Instead he hurried over to the bed and lied down.

Still pointing the gun at him, Zane then backed away and untied the woman from the chair. He then brought her over and laid her on the other side of the bed facing Doug.

After he was finished he backed away and looked at them both, as if he were appreciating his handy work. “Now, lets all formally introduce ourselves; shall we?” Zane said looking very pleased with himself. “I am of course Zane; and you are?” Zane asked looking at Doug.

“Ah, Doug Pinsky, All American Insurance, in for the weekend.” Doug had no idea why he was being so formal, but years of introducing himself to prospective clients just kicked in.

“Nice to meet you Doug, and this is of course—?” Zane continued, pointing his gun at the woman. Who turned to face Doug and mumbled underneath her gag, “Zandra, nice to meet you.”

“Like wise.” Doug replied.

“Well, aren’t we all getting along famously.” Zane said with psychotic glee.

Zandra sighed and mumbled out from underneath her gag. “Zane, I don’t know what you’re hoping to achieve with all this?”

At least that’s what Doug thought she said. It was hard to be one hundred percent sure what she was saying underneath that gag.

Zane seemed to understand everything though, as he very quickly responded, “What I’m hoping to achieve is you realizing what an idiot you’re making of yourself.” Zane exhaled a sigh of relief as if he’d been waiting to say that for a very long time, and just then got it off his chest. He then continued on by saying, “I want for you to look into this meat sacks face and tell me that you would rather have him over me. I want for you to come back home, mate with me, rip off my head, and bury your eggs in my corpse like you’re supposed to, so our colony can carry on like it always has.”

“Yes, rip off the head,” Zane added. “ like any civilized mating ritual should end. Or did you think this was all for recreational purposes. If that were the case, I would have just stayed home and played some Sigma-ping-ball-balla.”

“Oh, I love watching you play Sigma-ping-ball-balla.” Zandra exclaimed with excitement.

“Why yes, I am rather good at it aren’t I?” Zane said and lowered his weapon, as if getting lost in a pleasant memory for a moment.

Seeing an opportunity Doug slowly began to reach for it. Unfortunately the moment Zane was having didn’t last as long as Doug was hoping for. As Zane looked down and saw what Doug was attempting.

“Oh no you don’t!” Zane shouted out as he lifted his weapon back up and pointed it at Doug. Strangely though Zane didn’t look too upset. He actually looked more disappointed than anything. It almost seemed as if Zane were holding back some tears when he asked Doug, “now why would you do that when she and I were starting to make some real headway into our problems? I felt a real breakthrough was about to happen. Why are you so determined to be a home-wrecker, Doug?”

“Yeah Doug,” Zandra added. “I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

“You are holding me against my will, at gunpoint.” Doug responded with almost an hysterical laugh. “Excuse me for trying to take an opportunity to get out of this bizarre and psychotic couples therapy you’ve forced me into.”

There was an uncomfortable silence as both Zane and Zandra looked at Doug in disbelief.

“Wow,” Zandra finally mumbled out from underneath her gag. “You are one selfish prick; aren’t you?”

“You said it sweetie,” Zane added. “ Don’t you care about us at all?”

“Are you kidding me?” Doug asked in disbelief.

Hearing this Zane just looked at Doug for a few moments before saying, “Ah, no Doug, I’m not. I’m trying to save my species here, because for some reason our Queen has decided to run off and say the heck with her queenly duties, putting our entire colony at risk. Which has led me to follow her here, to this place, only to find her in the process of throwing herself at a water filled meat sack.”

“Wow, when you say it like that, it sounds so dirty.” Zandra mumbled out from underneath her gag.

“That’s because it is dirty sweetie! Very, very dirty.” Zane violently replied to Zandra. “Now Doug,” Zane continued on without missing beat. “If you want to get out of this with your head still attached, I suggest that you stop being so selfish, and start helping with the healing process; okay?”

Zane’s gun made it’s way back to the predictable area of Doug’s nose, as Zane then asked, “are you feeling me?”

“Yes, I believe I am.” Doug replied in a honky voice as Doug’s gun continued to push against his nose.

Zane just stared at Doug with wild eyes, before slowly taking his gun out of Doug’s nose and saying, “Good, because I’m getting sick of your poor attitude Doug.” He then looked at Zandra and continued on, “now your royal pain in my highness. I want for you to look into this things face and tell me what the heck is going through that head of yours? This is what you’ve used the forbidden gate for? To travel here from our dimension, putting our entire colony at risk, to be with him?”

Zandra mumbled something, but this time it was incomprehensible. Even Zane looked at her not understanding what she was trying to say, so he finally went over and pulled the gag out of her mouth asking, “I’m sorry what was that?”

“I said, not him exactly, but yeah someone different.” Zandra said and then took in a deep breath, while moving her tongue around as if the gag left a foul taste in her mouth.

Hearing this Zane looked at Zandra in shock and asked, “Well, that’s just silly. Why would you want something different?”

Zandra shook her head back and forth and just smiled, and said nothing for few moments. As if caught in a thought she just didn’t know how to express properly. She finally just sighed and shouted out, “because I’m bored Zane!”

Doug found himself a little disappointed in Zandra’s response. He wasn’t quite sure what he thought Zandra’s reason would have been, but ‘I’m bored’ seemed like a little bit of a let down, considering everything these two were putting him through.

“Every mating season is alway the same.” Zandra continued on. “I mate with a drone, rip their head off, bury my eggs in their rotting corpses, take care of the five hundred newborns, then wait for the next mating season to repeat the process. I mean sure, it was romantic the first two hundred times but after a while you just start hoping for a little variety. Do you know what I mean?”

“No,” Zane replied, with a bewildered look on his face.

“And that’s the problem.” Zandra said looking at Zane sorrowfully. “No one from our dimension does. Everyone is happy with the status quo. Fun fact about this place Zane. Did you know most of the females in this dimension, don’t rip the heads off their partners after mating?”

Zane just looked at Zandra in shock and disgust upon hearing this. It was the look that most children gave their parent after discovering they were still having intimate relations after the age of forty. “Is this true?” he finally asked looking at Doug in horror.

“Well, yes.” Doug replied.

“That is the most absurd thing I ever heard of.” Zane said, looking at Doug not knowing how to properly comprehend this new information. Bewildered, he asked, “what do you do afterwards?”

Not really knowing how to answer the question, Doug just started listing out things that came to mind. “I don’t know, I guess hold each other, talk about nothing in particular. In the off chance she get’s pregnant, you help take care of the baby.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Zane said holding one hand over his mouth and the other to his stomach.

“What, it’s perfectly natural.” Doug replied.

“Yeah Zane, it’s perfectly natural.” Zandra repeated.

“Excuse me,” Zane objected. “But have you seen newborns when they first emerge? There is nothing natural about that. What self respecting mate would want to stick around to witness something like that?”

“You honestly want her to rip off your head and use your corpse as an incubator?” Doug asked.

“Well yes,” Zane replied. “My purposed in life would have been completed. What’s left to do after that?”

This answer caught Doug off guard. Why would someone want to willingly have their head ripped off. Was life so meaningless to — well, whatever these two were? The only thing Doug could think to say was, “well, that’s just the way it’s done here.”

Zane looked a Doug and began shaking his finger as he said, “and that’s why your entire world is unfocused and chaotic. In our colony we all know what we have to do and everyone has a purpose. That’s why we have survived and thrived for more than ten million years; because we have order.”

“Yeah, and it’s boring.” Zandra added.

“It is not boring, it’s perfect!” Zane shouted out.

To which Zandra simply replied, “yeah, perfectly boring.”

Zane let out a growl, reached down, and shoved Zandra’s gag back into her mouth.

After which, Zandra mumbled out, “oh, really mature.”

“You know—” Zane began to say something but stopped himself, took in a deep breath and then exhaled before saying. “ I really didn’t see this until now, but you are selfish.”

“Oh yeah, I’m selfish because I don’t want yet another drone on top of me, so I can rip off his head and pump out yet another five hundred newborns, again.” Zandra mumbled out as angrily as she could manage with the gag in her mouth. “I’m so sorry if after two hundred times I want something different, but you know what? I do, so yeah, I guess I’m selfish.”

Zane backed away from Zandra in disgust. “You know what?” He said with a hateful look. “This was all a big mistake. The colony of the trans-dimensional third reality is too good for you. It’s not like we’re totally without options.”

Zandra just laughed slowly, and mumbled out from underneath her gag, “what, that little cutesy thing from the neighboring colony you thought I didn’t know about? Yeah, good luck with that. I hope the colony doesn’t catch something.”

“At least she knows a good thing when she sees it!” Zane responded, completely disgusted with Zandra’s attitude. “Now, I’m going to give you one last chance, because I’m about to walk out that door and through the forbidden gate, and when I do, I’m never coming back.”

Zane just shook his head and finally said, “fine, but don’t think you can come crawling back when things don’t work out for you here, because we’ve changed the combination to the forbidden gate, so your key won’t work.”

Zandra just exhaled and replied, “if you’re going to leave, then just leave, and quit making a spectacle of yourself.”

Zane’s jaw dropped and his mouth went wide open with what he was hearing. “How dare you.” He said in disbelief. “I come here to reason with you, and this is how you treat me?” A tear began to roll down his cheek as he began to breathe in and out very quickly, almost as if he were hyperventilating. Before finally shouting out in fury, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”

“Just get out!” Zandra shouted from underneath her gag.

“Fine, I’m leaving, your—,” Zane stopped himself briefly before continuing. “ I was about to say your highness, but that job doesn’t belong to you anymore; now does it?” Zane then gave Zandra a hate filled smile as he walked to the front door and said, “I hope you enjoy your new so-called life.” And open the door and slammed it behind him as he walked out.

“I hate you!” Zandra cried out from underneath her gag. “I wish I had ripped your head off, and not for the good reason!”

Doug just stood there a few moments, before letting out a humungous sigh of relief, saying, “Oh, thank lord he’s gone.”

“Yeah, what a loser he turned out to be.” Zandra added. “Hey, do you think you can take the gag out and untie me?”

“Excuse me?” Doug asked, not really understanding Zandra at all.

Zandra was obviously annoyed by this, but repeated herself. “Can you please take the gag off, and untie me?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m having a really hard time understanding anything that you’re saying.”

“Really?” Zandra said from underneath her gag in disbelief. She then very slowly in a loud tone of voice shouted out, “I wonder why that is?!”

“Right!” Doug said out loud realizing his stupidity “Sorry, obviously this has shaken me up a bit.” Doug pulled off Zandra’s gag and proceeded to untie her.

“That’s okay,” Zandra said stretching out her arms and moved them around trying to get circulation going again. “I’m not really use to this kind of things either.”

“I imagine so, you being from another planet and all.”

“Dimension.” Zandra said cutting him off.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m from another dimension, not another planet.” Zandra said correcting him.

“Right,” Doug said not really fully understanding the difference, or why it mattered so much to Zandra, but for some reason he wanted to let her know he was paying attention. So he repeated the bit of information that he remembered hearing. “You’re a Trans-dimensional Being who’s queen of the Third Reality.”

“Well not the whole Third Reality.” Zandra said trying to down-play the entire thing. “And actually, not even my colony anymore.” Correcting herself as she began to hold back from crying.

Seeing this Doug sat down next to Zandra and put his arm around her. “Hey, no need to cry. Everything is going to be okay.”

“I’m sorry it’s just the whole reality of this is finally hitting me. I’m a queen without a colony.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s a lot to take in.” Doug said trying to be sympathetic, but not having the first clue of what Zandra was going through. The only thing he could think to say was, “you’re probably better off, the whole thing sounded like it was a little bit of a drag.”

“You know what, you’re right.” Zandra said as she began to smile. “The whole thing was a big drag. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have to continually push out five hundred new drones every year?”

“Yeah, those yearly quotas can be a pain.” Doug said in agreement, trying to relate as best as he could.

“I know right?” Zandra said as she leaned in and kissed him.

This was unexpected, yet not unwelcome as Doug found himself kissing Zandra back. At least until he realized what he was doing and suddenly pulled away from her. Zandra seemed confused by Doug’s reaction and asked, “I’m sorry, did I do something wrong?”

“Yes, I mean no, I mean—sorry, I guess I’m a little overwhelmed by all this.” Doug had no idea what he was trying to say, or what he was doing. On one hand she was an Alien, or Trans-dimensional Being , or what every she called herself, and that couldn’t be good. On the other hand, she was incredibly hot. Like every man wants her and every woman probably wants to kill her type hot. Not to mention they were both probably going through this whole post-traumatic shock thing, so he could probably have her if he wanted, but thought it was probably bad form to take advantage of a situation like this. Probably, but it was really hard to tell at that point.

“Hey it’s okay.” Zandra finally said trying to reassure Doug that everything was alright. “Considering everything you’ve just been through and learned, you seem remarkably calm.”

Doug was anything but calm, but wanting to seem like he was anything but a person freaking out. He tried to live up to Zandra’s compliment by saying, “Well, being in insurance business has trained me to deal with all kinds of weir—I mean interesting people.” Doug thought he was actually going to cry, but somehow managed to keep it together. As he went on to say, “my, what is that delightful smell?” Doug let out a nervous laugh, having no idea why he asked that question.

“Sorry,” Zandra said bashfully. “I’m a little nervous and accidentally released some pheromones.”

“Oh thank lord,” Doug said thinking, at least it wasn’t just me.

“Don’t worry,” he continued on. “During this whole thing, I probably released a few pheromones myself. Is it me, or is it getting hot in here?” Again, Doug had no idea why he was noticing these things, and even less of an idea why he was saying them out loud, but was glad that Zandra was unbuttoning his shirt as he said them.

“Wait a minute, what are you doing?”

“What do you think?” Zandra answered as she got his shirt off.

The obvious nature of what was going on, and Zandra’s answer left Doug feeling a little stupid for even asking the question. Doug found himself asking it again, but this time with a little bit more clarification. “Zandra, what are you doing? We’ve been through a trying ordeal so this is probably not the best — oh my lord, that smells good.” Doug suddenly couldn’t remember the point he was trying to make anymore. He just knew he felt really good for some reason.

“Doug,” Zandra said reassuringly. “You’re here for an insurance convention, and I’m here without a colony to support during mating season. Lets just do what comes natural in a situation like this.” Zandra then began to start kissing Doug, as he laid down on the bed.

“A situation like this? When has there ever been a situation like this?” Doug pointed this out not so much as an objection, but more as a truth of what had and was about to happen.

And it would have been lovely. A night to remember. One of those moments in life, that though not normal, they would have still looked back on fondly when they thought about it. If Zandra could have just kept from unlocking her jaws, widening her mouth, and biting Doug’s head off. It would have been one of those nights that could have been considered perfect. She did though, and as Zandra sat there on top of Doug’s bloody corpse, the only thing she could think was, “Crap, this is going to be a lot harder than I thought.”