Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Crafty beer has finally reached an apex of awards and self expression as gold, silver and bronze medals fall from the sky in homage to all the newly-bearded, plaid-shirted men and women who bring so much joy and passion to the crafty beer world.

Speaking in a hushed voice brewer-turned-marketeer Jimmy Vats confided that he'd actually reached 'peak-brewer' in 2015 and that he'd won so many medals for his beer that he was going to plan lots of ridiculous marketing stunts instead and enter them in the beer marketing awards just for a change of pace.

Multi award winning brewery Greede Kerching put out a statement saying it was so bored of it's core range getting ignored when it came to medals that it was going to create a 'crafty' range of beers to help keep pace with the changing face of the beer industry. SIBA put their minds at ease though with a statement saying they would give medals to anyone willing to turn up on a rainy afternoon in Wisbech.

More beer awards rained down on all the breweries in the land from the likes of IBC, CAMRA, World Beer Cup (yes it's an actual thing) and now, just so no-one is misses out, the imaginatively titled Beer Awards and all of them promise to throw awards at you if you even sneeze in a brewery just so that no-one feels unjustified in their sense of entitlement.

Chelsea captain and all-round sub-human scumbag, John Terry has barely played all season due to exhaustion at having to turn up to

JT steals another beer award from a deserving brewer.

every single beer award ceremony even though he hasn't got a clue what award he's actually trying to gate-crash, he's also said to be disappointed at the total lack of married totty to try and pick up at the awards. Apparently Top Totty beer just isn't good enough.

Some industry professionals have expressed concern that the competitions are not a fair representation of what is great about the world of brewing any more due to the sheer volume of competitions these days and that even people such as anarchic beer blagger, Rancidbarfly with his ravaged tastebuds from years of Buckfast abuse are getting calls to be judges. One judge, who refused to be named so we'll just call him Aidy.T Croc-Wearer grumbled something about dumbing down beer awards but we couldn't make it out because his lips never actually left his can of Special Brew.

Brewers are said to be generally delighted with the amount of beer awards because they all help mark out their beers as super-special brews that people have to seek out in each and every new brewery tap that opens in a railway arch. Some breweries will have literally all their beers marked with awards just to show people how fabulous and unique they are; don't forget though, just because they are award winning beers it doesn't mean they'll be murky-as-fuck so remember to keep an open mind when photographing them for your UnFin'd check-in!

Saturday, 22 October 2016

History was made yesterday as a self proclaimed beer expert got a serious case of 'the feels' whilst listening to a group of men discover crafty beer for the first time.

Sitting in his local beer emporium, Someone's Buying Beer and sipping on a triple-oaked, quadruple dry-hopped Imperial Pale Stout last night, stupidly thick beer blagger, Rancidbarfly started welling up as a group of lads took their first Bambi-like steps into the world of crafty beer.

Taking their first tentative steps into crafty beer

Listening quietly to one side so as not to spook them, Rancidbarfly overhead snippets of their conversation like 'i kind of feel like something hoppy but not a double IPA...' and 'it's a bit chilly out there, got anything warming?'. The bartender was also doing his best to make them feel welcome whilst offering them a Session IPA and a Barleywine respectively. Rancid noted that they seemed to be really enjoying their beers.
One of them even asked for a craft brewery by name! 'do you have any Brewdogging?' he asked, the bartender merely smiled and gave him a taste of something better 'it's all about the Rainwater now, mate, try this' And with that a new group of lads had discovered crafty beer.

"It makes me feel so happy to see these young people discovering crafty beer for the first time, it really has warmed my cold, dead heart"

The moment was ruined however when one of their mates turned up and asked for a can of Magners without any irony whatsoever; it was time for Rancidbarfly to return home.

Rolling her eyes and tutting loudly Rancidbarfly's more intelligent other half groaned "for fuck sake, it's just the beer talking, let's go for a Kebab, you'll feel much better!" And they trudged off into the night with Rancidbarfly starting to weep.