There are some words in the English language that convey profound meaning through their sheer ambiguity. Assclown is one of them.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

WordNerdery

Recently, I've been reading Parenthetically Speaking..., which is a blog written by Serena Joy. Serena is a daily poster who includes a section called Words Gone Wild, where she offers clever, alternative definitions to misspelled words that she runs across. This reminded me of some of the Word of the Day emails that I'd sent to selected coworkers over the past few month. I've included some of them below:

1. Sexecutive- An employee that gains managerial status solely by virtue of the fact that he/she serves as a penis holster/penis provider for a senior manager.

2. Delusioneer- Someone, typically a manager, that attempts engineering design without being qualified to do so.

3. Krisismachen- The creation of an artificial crisis, by a member of management, to instill an unnecessary panic in the rank and file. This only works a finite number of times, because when everything is an emergency, nothing is an emergency.

4. Corporate Firepole- The opposite of the corporate ladder. It's where you find yourself when you are competent, but your buttsmooching skills aren't up to snuff.

5. Manure Ceiling- The point at which technical employees aren't allow to advance above for fear they will discover that corporate managerial duties consist primarily of bullshit.

6. Fore-revisor - An individual who anticipates having to explain their incompetence and, consequently, refuses to use e-mail or written documents to communicate. 7. Profaganda- Bogus claims of strategic success or managerial brilliance in the company newsletter or website.

8. Fecal Flume- A reiteration of the old adage, "Shit flows downhill."9. Me-mail- E-mail that is sent to many, under the pretense of being informative, but really serves to announce that the sender has actually done something. It is typically sent after hours or on weekends.

10. Thinking Outside the Bum- The type of thinking that is required to turn the head-up-assed schemes of upper management into reality.

11. Bitchpiloting- Guiding corporate policy by giving your boss ideas and letting him/her take credit for them so that they can be implemented.

It's a good thing that I resigned recently, because it doesn't look like I'll be making Employee of the Year, either.

Are outrageously large profits in conjunction with #7 required, or no? Because the best is reading about the boatloads of money the company is making when they can't even look you in the eye at your review because of your piddly raise.

I haven't had much experience with #11 since they keep me away from anything remotely important. I did ask questions to a functional analyst once to clarify a brief presentation I was writing up for my boss when my boss's boss (who was also in the room) turned to my boss and said "Isn't that the presentation you were working on?"