A Planet Of Nymphos Horns Up The Away Team Until Stupid Wesley Breaks Some Silly Rule That's Punishable By Death

And other galactic highlights from the premiere season of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Q Puts Humanity On Trial For No Reason Other Than That He Loves Costume Changes And Funny Hats; Picard Does A Space Jellyfish A Solid, Saves Mankind, And Hates Kids, All Of Which Rule S01E01

That Virus Or Whatever That Made Sulu Shirtlessly Swashbuckle In TOS Is Back, Letting The Term "Fully Functional" Out Of Pandora's Box Never To Return; On The Plus Side, Picard Says Yar Is Acting Like She's Had "The Equivalent Of A Snootful" S01E02

Officer Coffey From Boyz In The Hood kidnaps Yar and forces her into a Big Love-To-The-Death Fight With His Wife Number One; Yar And WFO Trick Him Because Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves S01E03

Picard Meets The Worf-Labeled "Damn Ferengi" For the First Time, And They're Short, Yo, But It's Riker Who Saves The Enterprise From A Long-Dead Sentry By Plagiarizing Sun Tzu; Data Gets Caught In A Chinese Finger Puzzle, Because Of Course He Does S01E04

Some Asshole Comes On Board With Engine Modifications That Send The Enterprise Out Of The Galaxy A La TOS; He Also Brings The Traveler, Who Takes A Shine To Eventual "Acting Ensign" Wesley And One Of His Native American Window-Treatment Sweaters S01E05

Picard Tries To Marry An Energy Creature In The Most Boring Subplot Conceivable; Also The "Dog" And "Snake" Aliens On Board Lead The Network To Mandate Massive Costume-Department Layoffs S01E06

A Planet Of Nymphos Horns Up The Away Team Until Stupid Wesley Breaks Some Silly Rule That's Punishable By Death; Picard Babbles Lots Of Noises About Sacrificing Wesley On The Altar Of The Prime Directive But Then Sadly Is Like "Psych" S01S07

A Ferengi With A Blood Grudge Asks Picard If He'd Mind Stepping Into A Revenge Trap An Infant Would See Through; Picard's Like Totes, Bro S01E08

Q Turns Back Up To Scarf Down The Scenery And Invite Riker To Come Join Him In The Q Stonecutters Lodge While Costume Changes Include "Napoleonic Marshal" And "Franciscan Monk" S01E09

Troi's Legendarily Irritating Mom Shows Up With The Alkie Giant From Twin Peaks For Troi's Arranged Marriage With T-Bag From Prison Break (Whose Mother Is Frida Claxton From The Golden Girls); Riker And Troi Have A Sad Until T-Bag Meets The Plague-Carrying Blonde Of His Dreams, Literally, And Peaces Out S01E10

The Holodeck Follies I: Picard Plays A Literary Gumshoe; Data Goes Bazoo With Old-Timey Criminal Lingo; Crew Members Get Trapped In The Holodeck Per Usz And Picard Has To Outwit The Big Boss From Reservoir DogsS01E11

Data Finds His Brother Lore, Who Roofies Him In An Attempt To Feed The Enterprise Crew To A Big Space Snowflake; He Doesn't/Does Not Succeed As Everyone Tells Wesley To Shut Up S01E12

The Enterprise Tracks Some Refugees To A Matriarchal World, With Whose Leader Riker Employs His Usual Brand Of "Diplomatic Relations"; Fortunately, There's Hope For The Planet Because Bonnie Barstow From Knight Rider Double-Super-Haaaates Him S01E13

Crusty Admiral Rick From Just One Of The Guys In All The Age Makeup Pulls A Benjamin Button On The Enterprise's Way To A Hostage Negotiation; His Wife Is Bummed They'll Never Meet In The Middle S01E15

Brenda Strong's Advanced Children Of Men Planet Steals Wesley And Some Other Enterprise Kids; Picard Figures Out Their Rescue And A Criminally Cute Girl Gives Him A Big Hug And Us Tooth Decay S01E16

General Gogol From The Bond Franchise Is Terraforming A Planet Despite The Inorganic Life Form On It; No One Can Believe Such A Thing Can Be While Somewhere The Horta Burns "ME STILL EXIST" Into Rock S01E17

An Old Admiral Friend Of Picard's Suspects A Starfleet Conspiracy And Thus Has His Jerky Watchdog Harass The Enterprise Crew About Their Terrible Season-One Episodes; Picard Has A One To Grow On Moment With SVU's Dr. Kyle Beresford While Wesley Takes (And Flunks) The Starfleet Entrance Exam With A Vulcan, A Benzite, And A Very Pretty Block Of Wood S01E18

An Away Team Takes For-EVER To Find Some Klingons On A Damaged Ship; Worf Bumps Foreheads With His Brosefs Until Klingon Captain Bob Brooks From Matlock Tells Him They're Traitors; Also, What B-Plot? S01E19

A Planet Of Weapons Merchants Including Vincent Schiavelli Put Riker On Energy-Based Ice; The Bridge Crew Plays A Shoot-'Em-Up Game With Some CGI Drones That Does Not Go Well; Dr. Crusher Might Die And/Or Declare Her Love For Picard S01E20

Joachim From Wrath Of Khan Is Peddling Addictive Drugs Disguised As Medicine To The Planet Of Captain Kirk's Son; Yar Tells Wesley How Drugs Are Bad Mmmmkay And Picard Gives Dr. Crusher An Equally The More You Know Prime-Directive Lecture S01E21

A Sentient Oil Slick With An Electronic Voice A Kidnapper Would Deem Too Over The Top Holds Troi Prisoner And Tells Yar "Don't Go Over There"; She's Like, I'm Going To Go Over There Now, So The Creature Kills Her, Leaving Denise Crosby Free To Pursue Bigger And Better Projects LOLOLOLOL S01E22

Time Follies I: Some Dude's Temporal Experiment Is Going To Blow Up The Galaxy; Complicating The Matter Is His Wife Anne Matheson From Knots Landing, Who Picard Left Two Decades Ago Without Even Sending A Dear John Letter S01E23

The Conspiracy That Ancient Admiral Suspected Is Totes Real And Ends In Picard Making Awesome Grossed-Out Faces While Phasering A Giant Parasite; Also Data's Laugh Is Scarier Than Paranormal ActivityS01E24

The Enterprise Finds A Derelict Ship With Three Frozen Earthlings Including Hick Tom Nuttall From Deadwood; They Then Head To The Neutral Zone To Find Out Why The Romulans Are Being So Mean To Their Colonies But The Romulans Are All "I Didn't Do It" S01E25