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Monday, 23 December 2013

Apocalypse

Sometimes I look forward to the apocalypse. It’s probably
because I spend a lot of time reading The
Walking Dead late at night and it’s warped my sensibilities. The emptiness.
The desolation. The terror. It all seems so appealing after a day of Christmas
shopping.

However, I’m worried
that when it does happen, somehow the experience will be ruined by social
media. Imagine our first responses as a zombie plague erupts. Facebook updates:
‘Party cancelled. Zombies at door. Lol.’ Twitter: #eatingmyfaceoff. Snapchat: a
final and desperate bombardment of indecent exposure. I will probably write a
stupid blog about it.

And then the actual media will get stuck in. Our final days
of television viewing before the technological meltdown will be filled with
idiocy. Nelson Mandela’s death brought every megalomaniac and narcissist who
had ever been within a continent of the great man into the media spotlight to proclaim
that they had led him merrily on a dance to freedom.As the world ends, our politicians will have
one last chance to show how brilliant they are. David Cameron can tell us what
a terrible tragedy it all is, but also that it was definitely not his fault,
and that actually we should be blaming the previous government, who put the
economic policies in place to encourage viral outbreaks. Michael Gove can blame
teachers, but obviously not himself, because he went to Eton.

As an indication that wiping humanity out is most likely a
good thing, we can watch interviews with minor celebrities who are struggling
to say the word apocalypse, but hope it doesn’t spoil the next series of Strictly. My final image as undead hands
scrape at the door might be Louis Walsh spouting about Boyzone, because he didn’t
understand the question, so he’s just taking one last shot at self-promotion. Horrible.