Newfoundland Premier Wipes Ass With Canadian Flag

Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams upped the ante in his flag war with the federal government last night, when he wiped his behind with a Canadian flag during a press conference broadcast across the province.

The dispute between Williams and the federal government relates to the percentage of Newfoundland's offshore oil revenues that the province is allowed to keep while still receiving federal equalization payments. That, and the prime minister allegedly called Williams's mother a whore during their most recent telephone conversation.

"Now, it's personal," said an aide to the premier regarding Martin's supposed epithet.

To show his displeasure with the federal government, Williams ordered the removal of Canadian flags from all buildings in Newfoundland last week. Under new laws passed in the Newfoundland and Labrador legislature, any citizen of the Newfie Republic caught flying the Canadian flag, (or ?red rag' as its been renamed) now faces up to 100 fortnights in Her Majesty's colonial penal colony in the coastal town of Dildo.

However, when he realized nobody really cared whether or not the post office in Come-by-Chance flies a Canadian flag or not, Premier Williams decided to take his protest one step further, according to some guy we stopped on the street in Corner Brook, who insisted we come in for dinner. He won't let us leave now.

Hence, last night's ass-wiping.

During the televised spectacle in NTV's St. John's studios, Williams publicly disparaged the prime minister for 20 minutes, calling him a "no-good cod-sucker," among other, less printable things, before he broke a bottle of Black Horse beer on his forehead and then, grabbing a Canadian flag, dropped trow and wiped his royal Newfoundland behind with said flag.

Reactions to Williams' ?federal wipe' were unanimously positive among the two people we had time to ask in Newfoundland. "Oh, that's our Danny," said St. John's cab driver Irv McMick. "Sure, he's playin' politics, but?he's a politician. So I guess he's just doin' his job. It was a little graphic to show all that mess during the supper hour though.

"I have no teeth," added McMick.

Danny squeezes harder for the pride of Newfoundland.

The Newfoundland sovereigntist pressure group Daughters of the Republic supported the premier's decision to stick it to the federal government as well.

"Good on Danny! When you've got a real horse's arse like Martin as PM, what d'ya expect the premier to do? Sweet Mother of Jesus McMurphy!" exclaimed group spokesperson John Crosbie, who refrained from beating up our central Canadian asses for the duration of the conversation.

A representative for Prime Minister Martin said that the PM has not had time to review the tape of Williams' televised up yours to the feds. "I don't think most Newfies share Mr. Williams' sentiments," said spokesperson Duncan Barnsclough. "Whadya mean ?Newfie' is offensive?

"Why do they hate us?"

Alberta Premier Ralph Klein, who traditionally avoids antagonizing federal-provincial relations for political gain, offered his support to his Atlantic colleague. Mused Klein: "Why didn't I think of that?"

In related news, Premier Williams also announced that all equalization cheques from Ottawa to Newfoundland will be returned, uncashed. Most definitely.