Let me kick this one off by admitting that yes, I’m a music snob. I’ve been one since I was about 11 or 12 years old and the older I get the worse it becomes. I am fully aware and comfortable with that fact, it’s never going to change because I’m never going to try and change it and here’s why.

I judge people openly when it comes to music because it’s such a powerful force in my life that it’s like a fucking religion to me. Forget heaven or hell or Jesus or Krishna or Brahman or Satan or God or Santa and the Tooth Fairy. They may or may not exist and I couldn’t really care one way or the other because in music I’ve found a higher power that accepts me for who I am whether I’m wretched and seeped in sin or rolling holy and righteous without a goddamn care in the world.

To say it puzzles me when I meet people that are completely indifferent to music would be a gigantic understatement. I’ll never say it openly because I learned back when I was a kid that no one likes having someone else’s opinion rammed up their butt, but when I meet people that say or do one of the following things my estimation of them immediately plummets to the same level I reserve for people who’s biological parents are blood relatives.

THING NO.1 – We’ve just met, I ask you what music you’re into and you shrug and reply, “Oh, I dunno, anything really…”

It baffles me how many people say this, especially girls. There are a number of reasons people say this about music, namely:

They don’t want to say something you might think sounds stupid so they’re going to sit on the fence on this one and hope for the best. Get off the fence. Admit to your love of Norwegian Folk Metal, fly that flag brother! I’d rather hear ANYTHING than the sentence in bold underlining above.

They’re drawing a total blank. This happens, just breathe and try to calm down a little, I’m not going to bite your head off if you say you’re into someone I think is shit. You can listen to whatever the hell you want… except Nickleback.

They honestly don’t give a rat’s ass what’s playing. They will listen to commercial radio stations like 5FM every day of their lives from the minute they wake up until the minute they arrive back home after work and not even notice when the same song gets repeated 6 times in as many hours. I mean fuck’s sake! I don’t even listen to the songs I like six times a day because by day two I’d be bored to tears of it. These people cannot be saved. Their favourite movie of all time is Mr Bones. Just… give up.

THING NO.2 – People who describe music that is even slightly down-tempo or sad as “slit-your-wrists music”

I can’t tell you how much this infuriates me. People who expect music to have the same effect as Prozac are, nine times out of ten, terminally boring human beings.

A perfect example of this actually happened to me recently when I was copying some music over to a friend’s laptop who is totally clueless about music (some gems while I was copying the stuff over were “Foo Fighters? What do they sing?” and “Oh Green Day, I like them! Can you give me the first album, the one with American Idiot on it…”).

Her friend, the music expert, was sitting with us, advising her what to copy and what not to copy when we came across Ben Harper.

“Ben Harper?” she said, “Who’s he?”

“He’s a bit like Jack Johnson,” I replied, “they actually tour together quite a lot.”

“It is, but unfortunately all my ‘High School Musical’ stuff is on my other drive, sorry,” I replied in my head.

Walk away son, walk away.

THING NO.3 – People who pull you aside to play you a song that sounds like utter crap and then ask you what you think about it

Bonus points if they give you their greasy earplugs to put in your ear and double bonus points if they know what you’re into and are deliberately playing you something they know you’ll hate in some misguided effort to try and reprogram your musical taste.

For these people, music is an argument that they must win at all costs. If you do not like the music they do, they will make you like it or they will die trying.

Despite what you might think, while I am a music snob, I am not one of these people. You listen to whatever the hell you want to listen to, I’m totally fine with that. Just don’t make me listen to it, respect the fact that our tastes are different and let’s both just carry on with our lives shall we?

THING NO.4 – People who only buy “Best Of” or compilation albums

Why the fucking fuck would you ever want to buy a compilation album, ever? So you can hear the same old songs that artist has had playing on the radio for the last God-knows-how-many years all over again?

Here’s a crazy question: What if you actually stepped WAY out on a limb and bought the album that one or two of those songs appeared on? And here’s another wild thought: What if you found that your favourite track wasn’t actually one of the ones that gets played on the radio all the time?

Why, that song would become “your” song in a way that the one that everyone knows and loves never could. It would have a special meaning to you and who knows? Maybe one day you’ll meet someone else who also fucking loves that song and you’ll instantly share a connection that is actually meaningful.

You know what my favourite Beatles song is? I’ll give you a clue, it’s not “Hey Jude”, it’s not “Yellow Submarine” and it’s sure as shit not “Yesterday”.

It’s “Rocky Raccoon” because it’s a story about a guy who’s lady runs off with a total jerk so he goes to kill the guy and ends up getting shot by the dude instead. Then this drunk doctor fixes him up and he just kinda carries on with his life.

Poetry I tells ya!

THING NO.5 – Playlist Trolls

They lurk in corners at parties and wait until no one’s looking so they can hijack the playlist and make it their bitch.

They won’t relinquish power, take requests or play anything that has any merit whatsoever.

Expect Vanilla Ice. Expect Abba. Expect “Bohemian Rhapsody” at full volume. Expect Mr fucking Jones. Expect Rod Stewart. And just when you think things couldn’t possibly get any worse, expect “Barbie Girl” or fucking Whigfield being blasted at you until your skull implodes.

What’s worse is they’ll play the same kak song three times, occasionally back-to-back just so you can get an intimate insight into what their hellishly mediocre lives must be like.

If you’re a person who is guilty of any of the sins listed above, there is good news. I’m offering free lobotomies all week to help you overcome these terrible afflictions, just hit me on tellthetiger@gmail.com and Uncle Slick will make everything better or your money back!

I find with every album I listen to and generally I try to bend my head around at least 7 or 8 a month, I have a growing appreciation for attention to detail when it comes to song writing and producing and I think that’s why Massive Attack’s newest offering, Heligoland, has me completely spellbound.

I’m not going to lie, the mood is pretty heavy throughout this album, which is why it will go down a lot better when you’re lost in a moment of intense introspection than it will at the next house party you go to and so, even though I really liked this album, I’d be very hesitant to recommend it to just anyone.

Though the overall tone does tend to waver between jaw-grinding comedown paranoia and desolate despair, it stops short of going the route of their contemporaries Portishead, who’s last album had most people gassing themselves in their cars by track 4.

Suffice to say, critics love Heligoland because it’s coherent and you can tell right from the opening few seconds that a lot of thought and care went into producing it. The result is a polished and highly-accomplished album that, while it sure as hell ain’t gonna make you shake that ass, will definitely appeal to trip hop fans and people naturally attracted to the darker side of music.

‘Pray For Rain” the opening track sets the standard for the album and features vocals from Tunde Adebimpe from TV On The Radio which are so quietly and creepily sung they’ll make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

The song haunts like a nightmare long forgotten, the kind where whatever it is that’s out to get you isn’t chasing you, it’s watching you from the darkness, waiting to drag you down when it’s good and ready.

“Dull residue of what once was / A shattered cloud of swirling doves / And their eyes change / As they learn to see through flames…”

Track 2, ‘Babel’ is a great choice to follow from the menacing opener that is ‘Pray For Rain’ and adds a nice touch to the desolate soundscape of Heligoland in the form of Martina Topley-Bird’s sultry vocals. The track builds to a surprisingly catchy chorous but it still anything but upbeat.

Topley-Bird also does the vocals for the track ‘Psyche’ which, with it’s frantic and discordant guitar picking is enough to drive anyone caught in the vicious jaws of a weekend MDMA binge completely shit-your-pants crazy.

That track and the intense downer that follows right after it (‘Flat of the Blade’) are definitely not this albums greatest moments, but are thankfully countered by brilliantly arranged and expertly produced tracks like ‘Paradise Circus (featuring Hope Sandoval from Mazzy Star)’ and arguably one of the best tracks on the album ‘Saturday Come Slow (featuring Damon Alburn from Gorillaz)’.

It’s a thought-provoking album that in many ways reminds me of novelist Cormac McCarthy’s post apocalyptic masterpiece, The Road in the way it is loaded with equal parts of menace, desolation and in rare and precious moments, hope.

In Heligoland, Massive Attack has finally, after 12 years, recorded an album that is comparable to the album that put them on the map, 1998’s Mezzanine. It’s trip hop at it’s darkest which is why many people might dismiss it as a mood-killer and nothing else.

However, if you can get past that, Heligoland may very well speak to you on a level very few other albums will, just don’t give it to your broody teenage brother or sister or they might lock themselves in their room with it and not come out until the firemen come to bash the door down.