So
I have been in a relationship with the same guy since I was
about 16. It’s been a little over four years now, but I came
out to him a year ago about the fact that I’m bisexual, which
he has no problem with. So since then, I have had wild fantasies
about a threesome with a really hot girl. But it’s a lot harder
to arrange that than it seems. Do you have any suggestions
about how we can find a third? We’ve already tried Craigslist
with no luck.

—Where
The Girls At?

You
think your luck with Craiglist is bad, WTGA?

Jeff Gradney, a television news reporter in Las Vegas, lost
his job after some anonymous douchebag alerted the management
at KTNV-TV “Channel 13 Action News” to the fact that Gradney
and his girlfriend placed an ad on Craigslist seeking a third.
Sexphobia? Definitely. Homophobia? Perhaps: Gradney and his
girlfriend were looking for another dude. And for this infraction—which
had nothing to do with his job performance—Gradney was fired.
So much for “Action News,” huh? (People who’ve had three-ways—or
not—are invited to come to Gradney’s defense. Send an outraged
e-mail to KTNV-TV’s vice president and general manager Jim
Prather at jprather@ ktnv.com.)

Gradney’s dismissal came a week after a pair of nationally
ranked college wrestlers—including a 2007 national champion—were
booted from the University of Nebraska wrestling team after
it emerged that both had jerked off for an internet porn site.
(Solo jerk-off scenes, nothing gay about ’em, although the
website is aimed at gay men.)

Sexphobes will say that Gradney and those college wrestlers
got what was coming to ’em. People shouldn’t let it all hang
out on the interwebs—or spurt out, in the case of the wrestlers—unless
they’re prepared to lose their jobs, their spots on the team,
their shot at being an American Idol, etc. But with
so many people documenting their lives online, and with so
many people using the internet as a tool to seek sexual fulfillment,
and in our thoroughly exhibitionist culture, one might think
that people could picture themselves in Gradney’s shoes, or
those wrestlers’ singlets, and cut ’em a little fucking slack.

If I may tweak a phrase: What happens online really ought
to stay online. Your Internet personals shouldn’t be something
that can be used against you by bluenoses at work; if you
like to show off and you want to wank for the Web, that shouldn’t
matter to the douchebags who run the NCAA. (Hello, NCAA? Want
to generate interest in the sport? Encourage more college
wrestlers to make JO videos.) Here’s hoping that we soon reach
a Web-exposure tipping point, a time when everyone has something
out there online that’s sexually explicit or deeply embarrassing
or both. When that blessed day arrives, we’ll think twice
about firing someone or cutting someone from the team for
the crime of letting it all hang out online because, hey,
we’ve got it all hanging out online, too.

As for how to find a third, WTGA: Most people looking for
thirds want someone who’s totally trustworthy and honest,
someone who comes guaranteed to be disease-free, but they
also want that someone to be a complete stranger whom they’ll
never see again after the three-way is over. Those someones
don’t exist, WTGA. If you really want to have a three-way,
you either go with the likely-to-be-skeezy stranger you met
online and risk dismemberment or you approach a trusted, attractive
friend and risk rejection.

I am a 30-year-old woman in a relationship with my childhood
sweetheart. My boyfriend and I got together when we were 15.
That’s 15 years ago. It was—and remains—an intense and extraordinary
intellectual compatibility. He’s the funniest and smartest
person I have ever met. Sure we have had our ups and downs,
but there is a lot of good stuff there.

OK, cutting to the chase: I have never slept with another
man and I don’t want to. I no longer want to have sex with
him and have been having sex with women behind his back. I
have long been attracted to women and suspect I would have
been in a relationship with one by now if my life took a different
path. I love my boyfriend, his family, our friends, our life.
But nothing makes me feel more “me” than lying next to a woman
after we have gotten each other off for hours on end. Do I
come out, wreck my life and his, all because of one small
part of who I am? Or do I stop being an unfaithful bitch and
make things work with the man I love?

—Why
Do I Have To Dig Chicks?

First
off, WDIHTDC, no one has to dig chicks. It’s an elective,
not a course requirement. (Except at Brown, of course.)

Now, seeing as you and your boyfriend are young enough to
get out there and find new partners relatively easily, and
seeing as this man who you profess to love has a right (1)
not to be lied to for the rest of his life and (2) not to
be cheated on for the rest of his life and (3) to be with
a woman who actually wants to have sex with him, there’s only
one possible course of action here. Thank your boyfriend for
his years of faithful service—honor his service—and then cut
his ass loose.

If you play your cards right, WDIHTDC, you may be able to
keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your
life. But if you continue to lie and cheat and munch carpet
on the down-low, and you get caught and outed, it’s unlikely
that your ex, his family, and your mutual friends will want
to see your lying, cheating, carpet-munchin’ face ever again.

I just read the advice you gave to the kid married for
six months. His wife bought a strap-on once he brought up
anal. You threw a line in there about the University of Pittsburgh
and Bend Over Boyfriend, an instructional video about pegging.
Are you implying that the Pitt girls are into this? I live
10 minutes from the main campus and would love to find a dominant
pegger. Just don’t know how I would even begin the conversation.

—Submissive
U-Peggee

Did
I say that U-Pitt shows Bend Over Boyfriend as a part of freshman
orientation? I may have misspoken. Or mistypen. It’s just
that I recently gave a speech at U-Pitt, and the students
there asked so many questions about pegging during the Q&A
that I just assumed that Bend Over Boyfriend is shown to incoming
classes at that fine institution of higher learning. (And
I’m not saying that it shouldn’t be shown, only that it isn’t.
It most definitely should. Indeed, Bend Over Boyfriend should
be shown continuously in every frat house in North America
from late August through early June.) But I would beg you,
SUP, not to stalk U-Pitt’s campus in search of a dominant
pegger. If you’re having trouble finding a pegger through
normal channels (surfing the Web, asking women you’re dating,
hanging out at Wendy’s), SUP, then you’ll just have to rent
one.

Oh, and speaking of speaking at colleges: If you want me to
come to your campus and give a talk—we call it “Savage Love
Live”—e-mail the folks who handle my speaking gigs at savagelove@kepplerspeakers.com.

Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.