This article is reprinted from my September 2011 newsletter. If you would like to be on my monthly mailing list, just email me and Bonkaye@aol.com and request it.

Remember my mantra--Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period. Say it ten times a day until you believe it! Life will get better. Promise.

GAY HUSBANDS SAY THE “DARNDEST THINGS”!

In the thousands of letters for help or support I receive each year, at least half of them are from women who HAVE NO PROOF. They have a gut feeling, but they don’t trust it. That’s because their sense of reality has been “slip slidin’ away” from the chaos and confusion their husbands have been putting them through.

Most of these guys are one step ahead of you, and even when you catch up or get one step in front of them, they find a way to trip you up so you slide back again. It’s not easy always having to be one step ahead of someone who is trying to “gaylight” you.

Even after a woman does get a partial admission such as, “I am just looking at pictures—I would never act on it,” or “I’m just comparing myself to other men to see how I ‘stack up’.” Even though there is half a sigh of relief when you hear these ridiculous explanations--which I guess is better than none--you still feel out of sorts. Once the doubt is there, you can only stay in “ostrich mode” for so long. You can keep your head buried, but sooner or later when the next picture of pornography pops up on the computer, you have a harder time burying your head in the sand deeper than it already is.

For those of you who just can’t seem to get the proof you need that your husband is gay, I decided to request information from my online support group members asking them to share with us the excuses their husbands would give them for not making love to them in a meaningful way on a regular basis. I thought maybe if you could connect with some of these reasons, you would have that long awaited “ah hah” moment to put you on the right track.

So, with a slight drum roll, here are some of the top 50 excuses our women sent me:

1. I turn him off because I ask for it. By the way, I only ask maybe once a month. 2. All you think about is sex. 3. He says it’s not a perfect world, and I can’t have everything.4. He hates the smell of a woman. 5. He took medication so he can’t have sex with me. 6. He was busy and he wasn’t having sex with me.

7. He is too tired. 8. I asked him if he wanted oral sex, but he said he wasn’t in the mood. 9. I came home from work early to surprise him thinking we might have sex, but he said, “Don’t ever come home without calling first ever again!” 10. He told me I was a nymphomaniac. 11. When I kissed his neck and his said ear, he said, “Stop, that makes me sick, I don’t like that! 12. He told me if I would stick around, I might get it. 13. Said he just took a shower ...he can’t have sex now. 14. His back hurts.

15. He’s too busy. 16. He doesn’t like sex at night. 17. I’m too mean.18. I’m too fat.19. He’s too tired.20. I’m too pushy.21. “If you would clean up the house, I would”22. “You know watching you cook and clean turns me on.”23. You’re too big.24. You want it too much.25. He compared my body to other women and told me what he liked about them better...if you had bigger nipples, etc.26. You look too much like a Rick James.27. “It” is too worn out...you use that vibrator too much.28. You wait until it’s too late.29. It's too early.30. "It's broke" was his favorite line.31. When I would ask for a hug he's say "nah, I don't feel like it right now."32. Give me time, and it will come back to me. Those were two lines I heard forever.33. "We are not sexual creatures": His favorite mantra for the last years of our marriage.34. "I have a urinary infection": Used this excuse the last years of our marriage.35. "Too tired, got to get up early and go to work. I have a real job:” He said this one a lot, especially during the last years of the marriage. 36. "I no longer find you attractive," said 6 weeks after our second and last child was born (1996). I begged him to make love to me. He stated, "No. I no longer find you attractive." I swore I would never beg for sex again. After our son was born, we had sex once every 3 years.37. "You stink." Said this the night our son was conceived. I was starting foreplay. He stopped me and said, "You stink" and then turned his back to me. I quietly cried myself to sleep. I was suddenly awakened when he forcefully whipped my body around so I was on my back. He forced himself in me. It lasted less than a minute. All our sexual encounters lasted about a minute or two and they all ended with him turning his back to me. He never brought me to an orgasm. He never cuddled or held me as we slept.

38. "Our daughter will hear us and I don't want to wake her." He said this a few times early in the marriage. 39. "I'm sea sick." Our Honeymoon. He did not make love to me until the end of our honeymoon. 40. "Going down to the bar to hang out with the guys. Be right back." He said this on our wedding night. I was shocked that he would leave his bride and cried myself to sleep. He did not come right back, and I did not go looking for him. His stall tactic worked. We did not make love on our wedding night.41. Having sex with you is “boring.” You don’t do anything exciting.42. All people slow down with sex after they are married for a while. 43. You don’t have enough experience in bed to satisfy me.44. You have terrible breath, so I can’t stand to kiss you. 45. You are too flat-chested.46. You need to have a breast reduction. 47. Your body is sagging.48. You aren’t willing to use toys with me.49. You don’t have a good sexual technique and you can’t learn that.50. You don’t know how to please a man.

If you have some other excuses that your husbands have given you over the years, please share them with me in this newsletter or write a note for my blog which you can access on my website at www.gayhusbands.com. Let’s give women some signs of what they need to be looking for so they won’t have to wonder any more. A special thanks to all of my online support group members who were kind enough to share this with me and our readers!

My husband told me that he was molested as a child and now he is frigid and does not like to be touched, it makes him uncomfortable.

Reply

j

2/15/2015 01:19:34 pm

Married fifteen years, he started sleeping on the floor the threw couch, about six months into our marriage. Sexhas mostly been initiated by me, and we didn't have any probably 12 years straight, until I threatened to leave.
Excuses have been
1 Back hurts need the hard floor
floor
2 Don't like the bed
(incidentally, we've switched beds several times, 2 brand new, he still wouldn't sleep with me)
3 need to sleep sitting up to breath better
4 (we did manage to have kids only because I made it happen because i was so lonely) I need to sleep on the floor in the baby's room so you can get a good nights rest
5 back to my back hurts
6 breathing/snoring issues
Finally when the kids were old enough that would ask when he was going to sleep in mommy's room he would give us all dates "after the4th of July" after this visiting friend leaves, or family that's staying leaves"
Now, he's had prostate surgery, so that is the drum he's beating. Must have been my enlarged prostate (Ummmmmm prostates are enlarged because of an overabundance of testosterone, wouldn't that mean he would still be horny?
Is he gay???

Reply

angela

5/21/2015 08:42:07 am

sounds like my husband...We've been married for 16 yr.s since i was 18..almost half of my life!!! He used to be pretty homophobic (Russians can be that way sometimes if they come from the old country) but now he works with an elderly gay black man...still not sure what the job description is..some construction and stuff but it mostly sounds like my husbands company is desirable more than anything...I have no issue w/that we need the money and it's not bad. My issue is the sleeping arrangements..from the very beginning it seemed like he wanted to sleep anywhere but next to me...looks were not a problem I was smoking hot! It irritated me so much since I'm a cuddler that at one point we split up for a year but he got extremely depressed and begged for me to come back. Soon enough it got worse! Our daughter is 7 and she doesn't want to go to bed without him...and he of course doesn't argue. Sometimes I get so lonely I steel her in the night just so I'm not alone. Part of me think it helps her she's the happiest child I've ever met. Sweet, obedient, smart, kind, creative, loves school. All that. I'm very hippie about it but now I'm getting worried. I wouldn't mind if all three of us slept in the same bed...1/2 the developing world seems to!! And often we do but this could be damaging and confusing for her pretty soon if not already!!! Don't get me wrong I know she is safe my husband has always had the "mom" role...I'm just worried about her becoming her own little lady in a "normal" manner!

As for us I don't get it. I gained some weight after pregnancy but mostly in sexy places and even though I'm 35 I get hit on almost every time I go out by myself. He is passionate during but doesn't initiate sex. He says this is because I always push him away...true enough... but that was 10 years ago!!! It's making me insecure and I have social anxiety. I always try to boost his self esteem because I absolutely adore his intelligence and whatnot but he never seems to say nice things to me...just "constructive criticism" or whatevr. I feel like I'm not really worth much anymore...like a wilting flower :(

Reply

Marie

6/30/2015 08:54:59 pm

I've been married for 17 years now I saw on his phone watches gay porn. He's been hanging with his sisters husband that talks about men and ass. They always hangout together. Our sex life is different please help

Reply

sam

3/5/2016 03:57:49 pm

The thing is though,what if this isn't the case for me and my bisexual partner?Our sex life is still as exciting and frequent as ever.He never asks me to do anything outlandish but at the same time,it's always fantastic.
Is this the exception or the rule i wondered?I've emailed Bonnie a couple of times to ask her advice/opinion but not heard back from her.

Reply

Rory

12/5/2017 06:17:20 am

Bonnie Kaye has an over-simplified and inaccurate view of the world, in which she apparently believes that men are either straight or they are "GAY". You are suggesting that your husband may be bisexual. Bonnie would tell you that "bisexual" simply means "GAY in denial" or a just a fabricated label one uses on his way to coming to terms with the fact that he is 100% "GAY".

So what about the men, like your husband, who may have some inclinations to have contact with men, yet who also continue to make passionate love to their wives? They're GAY! 100% GAY!

Reply

Maria

5/8/2016 12:52:51 pm

He was my 1st boyfriend so wasn't that experienced. When we entered marraige, i was already 2months pregnant with our daughter. We were still doing it (but not so much) until the time of our daughter's birth. It was like a good excuse for him everytime. We never did do foreplay. I was easily aroused. But we didnt have sex after our daughter's birth. He would always go out. He wouldnt let me touch him or cuddle him anymore. He was always angry at me. Like i always do something wrong. He said i need to have an injectable so i wouldnt get pregnant before we would be ready for another child. But when i did that, he said he's tired, or he's not up to it..or our daughter is crying. This was only our 1st year in our marraige. 2 months later he left us without any reason. Then he asked after 1 month if i want him back. I did, he came back but still we never had sex.Then on his birthday, he went away..to a male friends condo. Whom i never knew before and neither does his usual male group of married friends. When he came back he day after, he was the same angry man. He tells me i'm not doing anything to make him feel loved. A month before our daughter's 1st year he left us. I was angry. I knew there is something off. Christmas time we had our talk. He said he's bisexual. That he is more gay. I cried..because every moment before our talk was cleared. Unforetunately for me, in our country there's no divorce. We have a long process of annulment. But i guess my love for our past was so strong, i stayed married to him until now..11 years. 5 years after he told me, whoever his partner was then left him. He said we could be again. But i mustnt pressure him..that he would "try". I was so blinded, i was still hoping then. But now i told him..i'm tired of waiting for nothing. 11 years of no sex. Hmmm..i'm 35 right now. I cant just blast out i'm single and free until were annuled. But i guess i'm trying to realize for myself, enough is enough. I need to help myself this time to love myself and to stop begging for a love that i deserve.