Monsters, Jokes, Analogies

Main Menu

Don’t Blame Disney

As I’ve proven, before the internet, the common man had no way to broadcast how stupid he was outside of yelling it loud enough for a TV box maker to hear him. Now that we have the internet, we’ve eliminated the middle man (common sense) and are able to, with a few clicks, let the world realize that we’re in a shouting match with no one in particular. We scream into an abyss only populated by other screams. And when one scream bounces off another, it leads to one of two things: A) An argument or B) OkCupid.

As a biased critic of your friends, I like to watch the trends in these screams and analyze the popular ones. And a very popular one that I’ve seen lately is this “Disney ruins women’s expectations of men” myth that has been popping up everywhere. If you haven’t heard of this, allow me to explain.

Disney is a company that specializes in making animated films with fairy tale-like plots, characters and settings. Sometimes these fairy tales are ones that have existed for hundreds of years before they were ever adapted into a movie. So a girl falling in love with a charming prince is no new thing. Disney didn’t create the stereotype of a man who is handsome and treats a woman well. You’d have to look back centuries to find the specific people that did that. You can get as mad as you want at those people. They’ll be fine with it, as they are dead.

Sadly, people have decided to cry foul at Disney because Disney has apparently manipulated the minds of women everywhere, leading them to believe that men have to be perfect in order to be acceptable. First of all, if a company that creates cartoons has led a woman to believe anything that huge, you don’t want to have anything to do with that woman. If you do, I hope you’re fine with sixty text messages asking where you are and why you hate them before you wake up in the morning, and talking down an “I’m hideous” rant once a week. For a woman to base her ideals off of fairy tales, she is more than insane. Do you like snow globes? Because that’s where your severed head is gonna be stuffed into.

I can totally see why a rational woman would try to emulate this.

Now that we’ve established that a girl who obeys DISNEY: BRAIN ERASER AND MAN RUINER’s commands will use your fingers to attract more stray cats, let me tell you that the only reason that men complain about Disney is because of a lack of sex. Sex is very primal and thus, can make people very angry. If they were simply frustrated with the fact that a woman wanted nothing to do with them, they’d be disappointed and move on to another girl. However, when a man wants to sleep with someone and she turns him down, they feel angry and point fingers at anything they can, which, in this case, is Disney and their UNREALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF MEN THAT KEEP A GIRL’S LOINS CLOSED AND EYES LUSTFUL FOR ANYONE BUT YOU.

I get it, guys. Believe me, I do. Doing crunches and getting a job is tough. Being interesting? That’s even harder. You mean a woman isn’t attracted to you because, in all likelihood, you seem like the kind of guy who would post about how cartoons keep you from getting laid? What kind of world do we live in? Where is the magical Revenge of the Nerds formula that you were supposed to drink? Do women not understand that boring, ugly, emotionally and mentally unstable men need love too? Why won’t they just give up their bodies in order to satisfy the ones that deserve it, the ones that, instead of trying to improve themselves and, like a human being logically would, move onto another girl if one turns him down, decide to blame Beauty And The Beast and The Little Mermaid as the reason that they jerk off so much?

And don’t start with “women should just accept men for who they are.” Because if you’re the type of person who thinks that all the hot women are not talking to you because they like Disney movies, your type of person sucks. Do you also blame Jurassic Park as the reason that a cow can sometimes break through a fence? Do you hate 2001: A Space Odyssey because of all those babies who think they can just up and float around the earth? Fuck those babies. They’re idiots. But they’re not as dumb as you.

If a woman says “I want to find my Prince Charming, like Ariel did. That’s the only way that I’ll ever get the relationship that I desire. Don’t try to hit on me unless you are that. Why are you so deformed, man-thing? This dress would look good in scorpion,” that’s not the woman that you want. If a woman has had her ideals so transformed by cartoons that she doesn’t like you, get away, as fast as you can. You’re about to find out that her favorite lip gloss flavor is (Insert Your Name)’s blood. But if a woman doesn’t like you because, say, she just doesn’t like you, than you’re going to have to deal with it and move on. Grow up, guys. I promise that women will like it when you do.

One response to “Don’t Blame Disney”

I wholeheartedly agree with every word of this! The stereotypical notions of gender were established far before Disney ever got hold of them. The more recent Disney films challenge these aspects a little bit more… the best one being The Emperor’s New Groove, obviously. It challenged the status of llamas in our modern world, which we definitely needed.