The New New NHL

Ryan Miller and Brian Campbell were both named to the NHL Competitions Committee today. Hopefully these appointments will lead to lots of conversations like this:

Soupy: I have an idea for a new rule. Get this. (long pause) Are you ready? (Crunchy gives Soupy a partial death glare) You can……….only…..spin-o-rama………… (dramatically long pause)……overtheblueline. (Throws hands into air in gesture of supreme triumph)Crunchy:(with squinty eyes) Wait. You can’t spin-o-rama anywhere else on the ice?Soupy: Good GOD, no! That’s not what I meant! You can ALWAYS spin-o-rama! Geez! Why pass on an opportunity to spin when skating in a straight line will do? No, I meant, whenyou cross the blue line, you HAVE to spin-o-rama.Crunchy: Going in or out?Soupy: BothCrunchy: Does everyone have to spin-o-rama, or just the puck carrier?Soupy: Everyone.

(Both guys pause to visualize this rule change.)

Crunchy: I don’t think it’s a good idea.Soupy: Well, you’re wrong.Crunchy: Well, you’re drunk, so I win. I have an idea for a new rule too.Soupy.(rolling his eyes) Lemme guess, you want to make the nets smaller.Crunchy:(excitedly) I want to make the nets tiny. The nets should only be twice the width of the goalie’s hips. That way, scoring is reduced, AND goalies are encouraged to stay slender.Soupy:(Obviously not paying attention to Crunchy’s idea.) What if we put the nets in the middle of the ice, back-to-back, facing out? (Tapping index finger on chin while staring dramatically into the distance) IMAGINE all the spinning I could do….Crunchy:(exasperated) That’s dumb.Soupy:(using air quotes) “YOU’RE” “dumb”Crunchy:(shaking head in disgust) That’s it, my boy. You’ve just lost your air quotes privileges.Soupy:(distraught) (using very small, sad air quotes) “Rats.”

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god, I LOVE THIS! It’s all just so perfect! I am also loving the thought of all ten skaters having to spin-a-rama two-thirds of the way up the ice in one of those games where the teams are just trading end-to-end chances… That would be hilarious! Soupy is a genius, in a doltish fool kind of way.

I’m picturing the very narrow net and cracking up. I’m also seeing like a station in the dressing room where goalies would be wrapping tape measures around themselves and having teammates pulling their corsets tighter.

This might just be my favorite TWC post ever. I’m about to head to a double rehearsal with Neville Marriner, and I know for a fact that I’m going to be having audible giggle fits all day because blue-line spin-o-ramas and tiny goal nets tended by emaciated goalies are going to be running through my mind without end!

(Also, Kate, doesn’t this seem like the kind of conversation you and I would have actually had while drunk at a viola party back in college? I mean, had you been a hockey fan at the time…)

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