The need to express
is very strong. It is very important for our growth. If you don't
have any opportunity to express, you lose creative thinking. Well,
that's another attachment. I can't force myself to let go of it. Many
times I picked up my pen to write, and many times I put it down. Something
hard to put into words is in my mind. Please don't think I'm preaching.
I'm just expressing my personal point of view (feeling, observation)
which seems true to me.

I know that a
lot of things I've said can easily be misconstrued. A person can use
them against me. I can't really make my points clear in a letter.
Even to talk about them would be a very difficult task for me. Anyway
I tried to express my views. The things I've said might not agree
with the great books. I don't expect you to agree with me. They are
not universal truths. Just my opinions as of October 1986. I'm liable
to change, as anything else. Excuse me for my mistakes.

I'm a man who
keeps himself upset all the time, believe it or not. One day I'll
be happy. Here is something about me. I was born on 5 August 1947.
I was educated at a Roman Catholic missionary school. I read about
most of the things in this universe. I did not believe in any organised
religion. Well, who knows? I thought of becoming a bhikkhu (monk)
from the age of nineteen but instead I went to university, and found
the education very unsatisfactory. I then educated myself. I found
that almost everybody was after position, money, pleasure  very
superficial.

I couldn't go
on living for the rest of my life like that. I left my family although
1 love my daughters very dearly. I have no place in this competitive
society. Being a bhikkhu and living in the forest is the best way
of life for me; it suits my temperament.

Yes, my grand
mother was Shan. She lived a long, peaceful life and died when she
was about eighty. I was fourteen then. We were very close. I think
of her quite often.

I like Shan people,
too. They are very mellow. There are a lot of Shan people around Maymyo;
some living in Ye Chan Oh Village where we are. There is another village
called Yengwe where most of the villagers are Shan, and they speak
the Shan language. Some old Shan ladies look like my grandmother 
quiet, peaceful, loving, simple, patient, content, unimposing and
very friendly. How unlikely to find such people in modern cities.
People who are rich are very suspicious; they think people are after
their money.

You asked me
about my relationship with my family. It was never good. The only
person I love in my family is my elder sister. She loves me although
she could not understand me.

Yes, "I've
never felt I belong to that family". I was like a stranger in
my family. Maybe some day I'll go and see my sister. My relationship
with my parents was a love-hate relationship. (Both of them are dead
now.) I was very lonely at home. I know how you feel about your relationship
with your family. It's OK. We find love and understanding elsewhere.
No matter what you do and no matter what happens I will always be
your father, brother, friend, counsellor, etc.

I live on the
border of two different cultures  Eastern and Western. Born
in Burma (Myanmar) and educated in a Western-style school. Being exposed
to all different kinds of religions  Buddhism, Christianity,
Judaism, Hinduism, Islam  and also to materialism through philosophy.
I ended up not believing in anything seriously. Western psychology
 Freud, Jung, Adler, Rogers, Laing, William James, and many
others; Western philosophy  Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Hegel,
Kant, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Bertrand Russell, Wittgenstein, Bergson,
etc.  enough to make a person very confused. I studied electrical
engineering; read advanced scientific theories, including black holes.

I know how little
people are sure of anything. The most important thing to know is your
own mind. Yes, I want freedom. And this should be known from the outset.
My freedom is not for sale.

Living too long
in one place makes me feel like I'm in prison. I'm a lion, according
to the Burmese tradition. I really feel like roaming in the mountains
like a mountain lion. Ah, freedom... I can't tolerate any restriction,
bond, or tie. Even attachment that restricts my freedom is not to
my liking. People get attached to me and I see that as a danger to
my freedom. I love freedom and I can't exchange it for anything. I
love freedom of mind too. So I am seeing more and more what imprisons
the mind. Although I've read a lot of the Pitaka [see glossary for
definition], when I find something (see something) it's like I'm making
a new discovery. To discover for myself those simple truths 
what a great joy! Eureka!

I can't stand
those people who talk like they know about something just because
they've read about it in books. But sometimes I catch myself doing
just that, though I'm doing it less and less.

Mountain lion
I am. Alone, but not lonely anymore. I have learnt to live alone.
Sometimes I want to express my deepest understanding, but it's hard
to find a person who knows how to listen, understand and appreciate.
Mostly I'm the one who listens. People like to talk to me.

I think wanting
to be independent and free (physically as well as mentally) is my
strongest desire. There are different forms and stages of freedom.
I must follow my nature, at all costs. I might have to disappoint
my friends. So many people expect so much of me. It is very unlikely
that I can/will fulfil their expectations of me. I am heading towards
my own freedom, not conformity.

I've been reading
Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Carl Jung. I am very interested in
some of his ideas. Some of the things he said about himself really
expresses me also. So I am going to quote some of the passages to
you: "As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because
I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know
nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know."

Loneliness does
not come from having no-one around oneself, but from being unable
to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from
holding certain views that others find inadmissible. If a man knows
more than other people, he becomes lonely. But loneliness is not necessarily
inimical to companionship, for no-one is more sensitive to companionship
than the lonely man, and companionship thrives only when each individual
remembers his/her individuality and does not identify him/herself
with others.

I have to obey
that inner law which is imposed upon me, leaving me no freedom of
choice. Of course I did not always obey it. How can anyone live without
inconsistency? ("Talking about rebirth  in my case it must
have been primarily a passionate urge toward understanding which brought
about my birth, for that is the strongest element in my nature.")

"I have
also realised that one must accept the thoughts that go on within
oneself of their own accord as part of one's reality. The categories
of true and false are, of course, always present but because they
are not binding they take second place. The presence of thoughts is
more important than our subjective judgment of them. But neither must
these judgments be suppressed, for they are also existent thoughts
which are part of our wholeness." (So, be mindful of everything.)

A person who
has not passed through the inferno of their passions has never overcome
them. They then dwell in the house next door, and at any moment a
flame may dart out and set fire to his own house. Whenever we give
up, leave behind, and forget too much, there is always the danger
that the things we have neglected will return with added force. (Don't
sit on top of your passions; be mindful of them. For me, 'passed through'
doesn't mean 'acted out', it means being aware of them, experience
them mindfully.)

"Indeed,
our 'cult of progress' is in danger of imposing onus even more childish
dreams of the future the harder it presses us to escape from the past.
Reforms by advances, that is, by new methods or gadgets, are of course
impressive at first, but in the long run they are dubious and in any
case dearly paid for. By no means do they increase the contentment
or happiness of people on the whole. Instead, they are deceptive sweetenings
of existence, like speedier communications, which unpleas antly accelerate
the tempo of life and leave us with less time than ever before."
(So, live as simply as possible.)

I have done
without electricity, and tend the fireplace and stove myself. Evenings,
I light the old lamps. There is no running water, and I pump the
water from the well. I chop the wood and cook the food. These simple
acts make man simple; and how difficult it is to be simple. In Bollingen,
silence surrounds me almost audibly, and I live in modest harmony
with nature. An indescribable stillness prevailed.

In the Tower
at Bollingen it is as if one lived in many centuries simultaneously.
The place will outlive me, and in its location and style it points
backward to things long ago. There is very little about it to suggest
the present. If a man of the sixteenth century were to move into
the house, only the kerosene lamp and the matches would be new to
him; otherwise, he would know his way about without difficulty.
There is nothing to disturb the dead, neither electric light nor
telephone. (Carl Jung)

There is a lot
more left, but I want to stop here. You must be bored to death. I
think I am a rebel in some ways. All my life I've been a rebel. My
fantasy: living deep in the mountains, away from people and noise
with bare necessity; quietly and peacefully. Do I cry? Well, who would
believe that an old monk like me still has tears to cry. My nature
is like slow burning ember. You don't see the flame but it burns nonetheless.
I don't want judgment; I want understanding. I am also not perfect.

I am becoming
even more imperfect. So I'm scared of those who are judgmental. I
want to be left alone. They say a monk shouldn't be attached to any
body or anything but I can't do that. I'm not just a monk; I'm also
a human being. I am not trying to be somebody. I just try my best
to understand whatever is happening in my life, in my mind, in my
heart. No name and no fame; when I die nothing will remain.