Fuck/Marry/Kill Game Among Friends Yields Troubling Results

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A trio of college friends started a game of “Fuck/Marry/Kill” to pass the time last Saturday – but what started out as a low-key icebreaker turned into a disturbing wake-up call for everyone in the car.

Sarah Hawthorn, the driver of the Volkswagen Jetta, posed the first round of names to friend Whitley Hersh. She answered without hesitation, “Oh, that’s easy. I’d fuck Drake, marry Usher, and kill Claire.”

Hersh, the only remaining single person in the group of women, initially proposed the game in a text message thread leading up to the vacation, but her decision to kill Claire put a damper on the rest of the ten-hour drive.

Hawthorn and third passenger Claire Greenwood – both of whom are recently married – were horrified by Hersh’s decision to marry “a womanizer like Usher.” She added, “Also I’m not thrilled that she’d kill me.”

“I was floored. I thought for sure she’d just fuck Usher, but seriously? Marry him?” Greenwood reported. “The obvious choice was Claire, but I guess Claire’s ‘dead’ now. It’s like I don’t even know my own friends anymore.”

“Whitley has always had a thing for players, but I thought she was getting over it. Now I feel like she’s just falling back on old self-destructive patterns of behavior,” said Sarah. “Also I knew she and Claire were drifting apart, but this was really unexpected.”

“I mean I get it, Claire isn’t the most exciting, but she’s undoubtedly the stable choice for marriage. We pulled over at a rest stop and tried to talk to her about her taste in partners,” said Hawthorn, “but she just wouldn’t listen.”

Hawthorn and Greenwood spent the rest of the trip talking up the dependability of their husbands with little response from Hersh. “Total Claire move,” said Hersh, fingering the blade of a knife.