October 11, 2006

My friends care. I love my friends. So maybe I should be happy with that. Happy with the mutual love of friendship.

But in the end my friends won't fuck me. Nope I pretty much am fucked by everyone else.

So people say I'm good looking. Fuck that, they don't care. They don't care what I look like, and they don't care who I am.

If I wanna fuck you, then you don't give a fuck about me. Thank you, thank you for making perfect sense.

Ok yeah, I'm desperate. I'm desperate for a decent person. I'm desperate for someone well adjusted, who is mature, who is open minded, who sees the surface, who sees inside, who makes sense. Who fucking MAKES SENSE. Don't be an ass, tell me you're sorry, then continue to be an ass.

I need someone to hurt me. I want to feel the pain of loving someone. That sweet pain. I want to carry the burden of loving someone. That warm embrace.

I live in delusion, delusion and solitude. I live in illusion, illusion of pain.

I feel separate from you.

I want to thank you. I want to help you and use you. I want to embrace you. I want to love you and trust you. I want to know you.

Will you know me. Will you trust me. Will you love me. Will you embrace me. Will you use me. Will you help me. Will you thank me. Will you please.

I feel separate from you.

You, You, You, You, You.

I am talking to You. What would love do now? What the fuck does that mean?

*

Thank God for my friends. They are the best. I love you all, really I do. I don't say that enough. I love you all. All of you. Every single one of you. Every single person who smiles at me. Every person who calls me back when I call them. Every person who has stopped to see how I was, and then listened to me. Every person who has asked me to listen to them. The people I laugh with, walk with, eat with, and talk with. The people I sing with, dance with, party with, and love with. I love you all, and if you don't think I'm talking to you then you are mistaken. Once I know you, I can't help but love you. You are beautiful and perfect. That is the truth.

Thank God. God I am grateful. Grateful for the people you have set in my life.