Being an only child makes for a small family. I don’t have sisters and brothers with broods of kids visiting every weekend. Basically I have my cousin. She’s nearly six years older than me, so our relationship growing up consisted of her bossing me around and me biting her on the arm. What a perfect Dr. Phil episode.

Luckily, my cousin has our family’s warped sense of humor, so she never turned me into Cousin Protective Services. We’ve kept up through the years but have reformed our relationship with the passing of Dearly Demented Mom. She was right by my side through the whole process. Miraculously, all the fights and bites have been replaced by hugs and kisses.

Now My Crazy Cuz, whose sense of humor is sharper than mine, is married to Two Star Husband. I guess this makes him my cousin-in-law. Seems TSH is a retired Major General which I recently found out means when he slaps on his uniform, there are two stars on his lapels. That’s right. He’s only a couple of stars away from being General Patton.

My Crazy Cuz and Two Star Husband have a penchant for electronic gadgets. Actually, I think he’s the driving force (two star generals are like that, you know) behind the need to possess the latest techno gadget. MCC just likes to keep up so she’ll look hip to the grandkids.

Their world revolves around “i” everything. If Apple makes it, they’ve got it. The scary part is they both actually know how to use all their computer gadgets. I’m still talking on a Princess phone.

Recently, it was deemed necessary for TSH to get hearing aids as he could no longer hear the dinging bell when he got a text message on his latest “i” thing. So My Crazy Cuz went with him to purchase said aids because that’s what retired couples do. Of course it might have been because he couldn’t hear what the doctor was saying.

Evidently hearing aids have come a long way in the past few years. Imagine Two Star Husband’s delight when he discovered not only could he hear, but he had a remote control for his hearing aids plus they hooked up with his television and all his “i” things as well. He was in electronic heaven.

His biggest worry was if My Crazy Cuz tried to lick him in his ear, he might short out the entire house. My Crazy Cuz was only disappointed that she could no longer talk behind his back.

Unfortunately, the other day the roof caved in. Seems One Spoiled Cat loves to chew through wires. After he noticed a new wire to chew, the hearing aids no longer connected to anything. Two Star Husband spent all evening pouting on the couch repeating, “Darn cat.” Maybe the next time we go to war, we should arm our troops with spoiled felines.

Enter the lovely word “warranty” and everything was replaced. As an extra precaution against unwanted advances of a sharp-toothed cat, Two Star Husband converted the entire house to a wireless system.

Unless his wife licks him in the ear, Two Star Husband once again is a commanding presence in his electronic world. And no one is allowed to talk behind the two star general’s back. Hmm, wonder if Patton was deaf?