Domestic Violence Community Group

Support for those who suffer or have suffered domestic violence. Domestic violence is any violence within the home; sometimes called family violence. Family violence may include elder abuse, child abuse or sibling abuse.

New to this group,

I am 19 years old and honestly this is a little 'embarassing' putting my business up on here but i need to know there are girls like me who feel the same way right now. Lost! as of a week and a half ago i left my fiance, my life, my job and my home. I was planning on taking abreak with my fiance to fix our relationship, hoping we could both see that we needed to change somethings. so when i tried to tell him we need some time apart to think and fix what was wrong and really work on our relationship things went sour. he told me never to come back but he wouldnt leave me alone for a week, i kept getting nasty calls, voicemails, and texts that shattered my heart. This was the man I loved. I adored. He was after all my bestfriend!Next,
a week and a half ago we had been at a friends house (i had thought things were progressing between us) and when we got home it became an all out fight. i screamed awful things and he came back with even worse comments. so i packed a bag and tried walking out the door. he shoved my against the wall and a couple of times throughout the fight he pinned me down on the floor. I felt like i had lost all control. Finally we were back at the front door he blocked my way pushing me up against the wall. I screamed at him to let me go ,we were done, and then he grabbed me with such force i dont even remember moving just being slammed into the door and then the wall, even harder then i hit the floor. He became someone i didnt know, i was hurt and i just couldnt believe it. the neighbors knocked on the door, my god send and i ran.
I was 10 hours away from my parents and any friends, and 18 hours away from my sister. He broke my phone and i was scared.
I found a phone to call my sister and the next thing i know my friend who let me stay woke me up saying the police were at the door.
I couldnt tell them what he'd done. and now i know why women who are beat up by their husbands or boyfriends dont want to say anything. How could i betray my best friend? I had never seent that side of him, how could i turn on him? I felt shame and guilt. I dont know why but at the same time the police where there he showed up. I couldnt speak to him i was scared. He would lose his job, he would lose everything if he went to jail!
The cops looked at me and said you have no choice in this, we are arresting him. So i watched the man i no longer knew get arrested.

I feel so lost, i feel guilt though i know i shouldnt, they did the right thing arresting him he deserved, i knew i should NEVER let a man touch me ever again. But i cant sleep, Im so lost, I just want to know there are girls going through this that I can talk to! I have my sister know, but shes almost afraid to ask me about it because she knows its a sensitive spot. I need a friend to help me get through this 'aftermath' pain. Sorry for the long novel i wrote!

Welcome Avandervate - You&#039;ve found a good group honey. I got an order of protection in May against my live in boyfriend of 2 1/2 years - and then had him arrested in June. He was severely abusive for the duration of our relationship.

#1 - don&#039;t feel guilty. You didn&#039;t do anything wrong, except love him. He caused all this mess. If he loses his job - and everything else by going to jail - HIS FAULT.
#2 - Don&#039;t feel ashamed. I did too at first. I didn&#039;t want to tell anyone about the abuse going on - because it is embarassing. I considered myself to be a very strong and independent female - and to have to admit that a man was completely abusing me, in every form of the word - that&#039;s embarassing. But know that - you don&#039;t need to feel ashamed, embarassed, nothing. Again - it&#039;s him with the problem, not you sweetie.

And I felt like I was turning on my best friend too - I was betraying the relationship by saying anything. But, ultimately, I decided to live. And I decided not only to simply stay alive - but that I&#039;m not living by someone else&#039;s rules - I&#039;m going to live by mine.

I gather that you guys probably had some verbal abuse issues, maybe jealousy issues, anger issues, etc. You said you wanted to take a break to kind of fix some issues between the two of you (that&#039;s exactly what I was asking for in the last few months of my relationship to). And I didn&#039;t get it either.

A stereotypical reaction by a domestic abuser when he hears the words &quot;need a break&quot; or &quot;I&#039;m leaving you&quot; - is to physically keep you there. The thought of losing their little object of control - the person who does everything for them (even though they complain it&#039;s never good enough anyways) - just the thought of you/me/us leaving - makes them snap.

It&#039;s good you&#039;re getting out now honey. And you&#039;re not alone in any way. It took me a little while to realize that I wasn&#039;t alone. None of our situations are unique - except the specific details. We&#039;re all sisters - brought together at the hands/words of a similar type of man.

Sorry for my novel in response - but you&#039;ve got a friend in me honey. And I&#039;d give you a great big hug right now if I could. Be proud that you survived what could&#039;ve turned into a horrible situation &amp;/or relationship.
I also recommend seeking counseling from a local Domestic Violence agency in your area. Many offer free counseling to DV victims. They can be incredibly helpful. Even in providing reading materials on the behaviors of abusers - you might find a lot more similarities between stereotypical abusers and your former mate than you ever would&#039;ve realized. I know I did...

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