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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

When finding out if my son had ADHD I had to fill out a simple questionnaire. It is not too bad and pretty simple but there is one question that broke my heart. “Relationship with parents” on a scale of 5 to 1. 5 being problematic and 1 being excellent. I had to answer that very complicated and confusing question with a number. It is a hard thing as a mom to admit you are not the perfect mother and your relationship with your child struggles.

The honest truth is before getting help for my son I was feeling a lot of guilt for our struggle together. Most of our time felt like it was being spent telling him no and putting him in time out. How can you feel happiness when it just feels like a constant battle to get him to understand you and focus. Even when we would try to do fun things my sons emotional instability made it very difficult to enjoy because he could be set off and be sad, screaming, upset and trying to bring him back felt impossible like he fell into a black hole and we could not reach him. More importantly I lacked understanding and patience.

There were good moments too because my son would have the lowest lows but the highest highs. His happiness was contagious but that was also over clouded by the fact that he would not listen to the things I needed him to do, like his homework, or simple tasks.

Communicating was so difficult. I could not break the wall between us and make him understand what I needed. Looking back I now see that he could not break the wall and show me what he needed. We could not understand each other and see the others side. I think we both wanted to so much. I wanted to help him and he wanted to help me. I remember one day seeing it suddenly in those eyes even if quickly the moment where I knew he wanted to do what I wanted. He wanted to succeed. Suddenly it was so clear to me that the way he was is not his choice but something so much bigger than him or I could help and control.

I loved him, I wanted to help him. Yet at the same time I was growing increasingly frustrated with the situation and feeling like all the good moments were being clouded over. Near the end it had me wondering if our family would be better if he was not in it because I could not give him the help he needed.

So how was his relationship with his mother? Not enough joy and happiness. Not where I wanted it to be and I am sure it is not where he wanted it to be. I think this is one of the reasons the doctor when prescribing my son medication said “We are giving him this medication because we feel the advantages will outweigh any side effects.” Maybe some people feel they do not need medicine but I think that is because the advantages don’t outweigh the side effects.

I could fill out that questionnaire again enthusiastically, writing all the improvement I have seen but the one question that would bring me the most joy is I could change that guilty, confusing, sad, and generous 4 into an honest and amazing 1! Not because he is a zombie (which he is not), not because he never gets in trouble (we have our moments), and not because he never makes a mess (have you seen my house?) but because we have fun together, we can talk now, we have more understanding, we have more patience, we have happiness.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

I have walked into a room worried about my extra tummy, if my outfit looks okay, and what people might think of my new haircut. I am full of insecurities and scared that I am not good enough. Thankfully it seems like there is a secret code and people look at me and tell me how great I look after having six kids, what a cute dress I have, and that my haircut is perfect for me.

Someone must not have placed that secret code for men because as a wife I have been shocked at some of the things people are willing to say to my husband. People are more than willing to point out if he needs a haircut, they tell him if they don’t like how he looks, that his mustache is so wrong for him, and point out any extra weight he has put on.

My brother has a beautiful wife and receives comments like “and u both have a smokin wife who is waaaaaay out of ur league. lol just teasin ya.” Sadly this does not stop at the adults. My nephew just posted his new haircut on Facebook saying “Love my hair”. A young man finding out who he is and at the hard age of insecurities and peer pressure received these comments:

“Did you stick your finger in an outlet?

“You ARE beautiful inside! The outside - mmmmnnnnnn not so much! Just joking Luv!

Friday, February 14, 2014

I am pretty loud about my opinion on hating my glasses but my main point was that they don’t look cute and glasses are ugly on me. So imagine my surprise when my 8 year old daughter comes home with a paper saying she needs glasses.

Suddenly every comment I have ever made about myself and glasses takes on a whole new meaning. I have not been just putting myself down but now every thought and negative comment could have impacted her self worth and self esteem. I have been teasing my daughter.

When the eye doctor tells my daughter that she is going to need glasses I worry about her reaction. She looks at me and my heart is ready to break for her. She gets a big smile on her face and says “Now me and mom can be 'twinners'!”

I smile and agree “We are going to have the cutest glasses and look so cool!”. To my relief she is excited and happy. She finds the boldest pair of glasses she can find and she owns them. Her only disappointment is knowing she will have to wait two weeks to wear them.

I look at her and see her happiness, her boldness, and the amazing amount of confidence and from this day forward I know that I want to be her 'twinner'!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Every night is the same battle; what to make for dinner? I dread it! It is boring, a lot of work to make dinner and then clean it up, and lets face it unless I am making macaroni and cheese there is usually at least one child who will hate what I put on the table.

So what are my other options? Make my husband do it, have them make their own sandwiches, or hire burger king to fill the position.

As much as burger king sounds like an easy and fun option I don’t think my bowels or waistline could handle it, sandwiches would make me gag after a week, and my husband would probably resort back to burger king.

Instead of making my family dinner I have decided to create dinner! Just saying create dinner sounds oh so much more appealing and fun. So what does it mean to create dinner? I am not the type of person to make up my own recipes and I would never have the time or patience to make all my meals from scratch so it means I am going to find new things to make. Things with new colors, textures, and flavors!

I am going to be an artist in my kitchen! Dinner is now going to be exciting and fresh. Instead of dreading it every day it is going to be a chance for me to be creative and daring. Now this new method has no guarantee that it will taste good and I know at least one of my children will still hate every meal I create but this is not for us to be healthier, have more variety, or by any means love dinner time. This is for me to enjoy my job; the thing that takes at least 7 hours a week, 28 hours a month, and 336 hours a year. This is about me enjoying my life right down to the last bite!

So what are you going to create for dinner tonight? Link it below or add it in the comment section.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I think most people have that one child that seems so much like them and for me that is my oldest son. Yes my other kids share similar traits but my son is the one that my husband loves to say “He is just like his mother.” and I would laugh and smile nodding my head in agreement.

We are honest and blunt

We love to talk

We are creative

We love video games

We have sensitive skin

We are emotional

When we get mad we like to stay mad as long as possible

When we are happy we can fill a room full of sunshine

This last fall when my son was diagnosed with ADHD and we talked about the symptoms I jokingly said ‘Maybe he got it from me!’. I did not think into it too much after that but now my son was ADHD so I felt like I had to understand what ADHD is so I can help my son.

In my research I heard many stories of adults with ADHD but most of the time I would ignore them because I was looking more for how I can help my 6 year old boy. One day I did wonder how this may affect him when he was older and I found a website that talked about adult ADHD symptoms. I was shocked and it seemed like the words “He is just like his mother.” were running through my head over and over…

Am I the genetic link? Is that possible? 6 months ago I was an adamant believer that ADHD did not even exist and now my son is on medication and I am seriously wondering if I could have it as well. I become hyper focused and want to know everything I can and find myself saying “Is that why I struggle with that”, “I felt that way too”, and “That is so me”. I am yearning for knowledge and suddenly filled with so much understanding of my childhood and where I am today. My son is "Just like his mother".

Monday, February 10, 2014

I set up personal time with my doctor at least monthly although there have been times where it has been weekly. I schedule it on my calendar and I make sure that I don’t forget or plan anything that might interfere with our meetings.

That morning I make sure to shower, shave my legs, do my hair, makeup, and even wear my cute clothes. During our time together he asks me questions and I try to be as honest as possible and let him into my soul, and my mind. I tell how I think and divulge my deepest fears and my problems.

He has seen my mind and my body, ALL of my body. I trust him to know what and where he needs to see and feel. I anticipate at any of our meetings one or both of these may happen so I am prepared. I trust he won't point out my stretch marks or make me feel bad for my less than perfect body.

When I tell my kids I am going to the doctor they don’t ask questions they just get it. Today though I decided to do my hair and try to look nice for my husband and my daughter asks me “Why are you curling your hair?” I say to her “For dad.” and she is confused so I explain “I am not going anywhere I just want dad to come home and see that I look pretty.” My daughter does not get it. I have nowhere to go and nobody to impress but when did I stop trying to impress my husband? When did pajamas and messy hair become the norm?

Thankfully for me my husband loves me no matter what I am wearing and thinks I am beautiful even when I look like a big mess. I don’t think this means I should stop trying to impress him just because it is okay if I don’t. Shaving, showering, doing hair, makeup, and dressing nice for our spouse should start to matter even if we are staying home and he will be the only one to see us.

We need to set apart time for our husbands and make sure that it is a priority that will be good for our health and well being, as well as theirs!

I think as women we need to ask ourselves do we still let our husband into our mind and soul? Divulge our struggles, our worries, and imperfections? Have we stopped believing that they will be with us for better or worse and help us get to a better place?

Have we stopped trusting our spouse to love us enough to see our not so young and perfect bodies and not be focused on our stretch marks, extra weight, or even lack of weight in wanted areas? Do we trust him to touch and see knowing he will do so without judgement?

It is time we start treating our husbands better than our doctors; trusting them more, needing them more, and making time for them more. It is time to end our affairs with our doctors and put that effort where it matters most; into our marriage.

(I am not having an affair with my doctor and I have never had an affair. If you enjoyed my post please feel free to share, thank you!)

About Me

Our ADHD Story is a place where people can share their stories, thoughts, and feelings about ADHD. Get past the generic list of symptoms and see how it is affecting people in real life through personal stories. We are not here to inform you, we are here to engage you.