8.18.2008

After a long four months of silence, finally I am alive again. I am in a new place (an attic) in a new place (New England by way of Portland, Maine). The fog rolls in each day bringing whisperings of old forgotten gods and Lovecraftian horrors unmentionable. But who gives a shit about that, we've got rock n' roll at out backs, chasing us ever onward. Deeper and deeper into the points of no return which no one ever returns from. And so I'm back! My real voice will be lacking for some time into the unforeseeable future, but I have a friendly robot who can interface directly with this box to translate for me. In the meantime, let's get right back into it:

There are some weird hiccups in this one, but believe me, it's better than the shrieking garbage that had been mucking up the last three hours I tried to record. That's what drove me away for so long, and NO I wasn't just playing shrieking garbage, this noise was unintentional.

4.22.2008

Greetings Earth Peers! Unfortunately I've been having some technical difficulties with the hour. These don't make the show impossible to do, just incredibly aggravating, as I have been having to record each episode at least three times to get it to come out right. I have the next show recorded, but it still sounds godawful in a number of spots, so it will have to be re-re-recorded. In the meantime, I'm looking for better solutions. So hang in there, and I promise to get you some good music again at some point.

2.22.2008

Oh Hello. I didn't see you come in. Oh Hello. I didn't see you. Oh... Hello. We started a little while ago. But that's all over now. Everyone woke up, so the dream is over. Here it is: Reality! Behold the waste of your life. Your life in ruin. Your music interrupted.

2.03.2008

Go back out the way you came in. Inverse reverse perverse. Think of it this way, you're gaining an hour and a half of death. Good on ya! Time is everything. A moody episode. An omitted episode. Who is lost?

1.17.2008

AT&T is a company with a tradition of delivering on our promises. I'm pleased to report that in 2006, we continued that tradition. We promised to increase stockholder value, and we did. We promised to position our company for long-term growth, and we did.

1.03.2008

Yes all hail the New Jeer. Were you aware of products. Did you know they exist, and can already help you in ways unimaginable. Products can even help you imagine new ways to use products. This is not what you think, no. I love you. But never mind that now. We're one year closer to annihilation. All Hail Discordia. Begin digging holes to place your heads in.

12.23.2007

A fine ahoy to you all out there. Unfortunately for me, I have upgraded my computer's operating system, which means everything is running great... except for my audio software. So I'm currently on the ropes as far as recording a new episode, which is a shame because I've got a really good one on deck. A double shame because I've already recorded it twice, but it sounds like shit (totally, not just a little bit, if it was a little bit it would be up right now). But third time, and working software should be the charm. Until that happens, my buddy Carl has tipped me off to this little gem.

These chaps, Komar and Melamid, and Dave Soldier began a project a number of years ago to produce true art for the people. They conducted extensive surveys with literally hundreds of individuals of countries all over the world and produced alternately the most wanted and most un-wanted paintings of each nation.

They then went further and sought out what people wanted from their music. After exhaustive research, they ended up producing one gem and one absolute piece of crap. I have only put up the "un-wanted" song because I believe, quite frankly that it is one of the best and funniest pieces of music I have ever heard. I am apparently one of only a postulated 200 people in the entire world who will think this. I have another two already accounted for, so that leaves another 197 slots still available to enjoy this piece of music... er, umm, crap.

A note from the composer:

This survey confirms the hypothesis that today’s popular music indeed provides an accurate estimate of the wishes of the vox populi. The most favored ensemble, determined from a rating by participants of their favorite instruments in combination, comprises a moderately sized group (three to ten instruments) consisting of guitar, piano, saxophone, bass, drums, violin, cello, synthesizer, with low male and female vocals singing in rock/r&b style. The favorite lyrics narrate a love story, and the favorite listening circumstance is at home. The only feature in lyric subjects that occurs in both most wanted and unwanted categories is “intellectual stimulation.” Most participants desire music of moderate duration (approximately 5 minutes), moderate pitch range, moderate tempo, and moderate to loud volume, and display a profound dislike of the alternatives. If the survey provides an accurate analysis of these factors for the population, and assuming that the preference for each factor follows a Gaussian (i.e. bell-curve) distribution, the combination of these qualities, even to the point of sensory overload and stylistic discohesion, will result in a musical work that will be unavoidably and uncontrollably “liked” by 72 plus or minus 12% (standard deviation; Kolmogorov-Smirnov statistic) of listeners.

The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and “elevator” music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commericals and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece.

Art for the people—Your pal, Dave SoldierJune 1997

So without any further reading to do on your part, here is the most unwanted song in the world!

the Al Truistic Guarantee: If I ever play an hour that you are completely 100% familiar with, e-mail me and tell me to do a better fucking job. I will be standing by, dancing to each broadcast as it’s recorded. I promise to never play anything that I think is “allright.” I promise to never play anything anyone wants me to play, unless I feel like it. It has cost me absolutely nothing hours and hours of my precious life to do this, and as far as I know, I’m not stopping anyone from listening to or doing anything else. So listen to this if you want, I do.

Once inside the Hour you may find yourself flummoxed by very divergent sounds. If any of these frighten, unnerve, or excite you, GOOD! Keep listening until they no longer do, and you become a numb, unexcitable shell of a human being like myself.

The PodThreat Netwerk is dedicated to dissemination of musical information regardless of it's place on the regulated spectrum. Good music is good music. Taste is taste, and information is information. No artists were harmed in the production of this podcast. This music appears here out of love and devotion. It's only goal is to celebrate this music, and implant, disseminate, and nurture similar feelings in the listener.