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Thursday, 5 March 2015

Grey Noise

Hello there!

Today, it will be a different kind of mood around here as i want to share with you something!

When some sort of drama happens in my life mean people say something like "why don't you blog about it" as if bloggers share all their life in network like Kardashian sisters! Some use blogs as virtual diaries, its true, but in my case it wasn't like that, till this very moment. This post will be very personal, so if you're not into that just skip to the photos haha.. Personal, but not too personal since being behind the laptop screen on a late night before school, still won't give me enough courage to share it all out..

Over years i found myself as being very insecure person with big-time trust issues, as a person who sees only the worst possible outcome in any situation and as a person who believes that everything i say can and will be used against me... Gaining my trust is something harder than passing IB with 45 points, and not many people will be up for that... but those who are ready for it, really deserve it and are worth changing for, making those 45 points around 36 or so :) Still hard but achievable.. and when you do change, you expect this to be treated as an exception, you expect the person to be responsible for this change and therefore you hope this trust won't be broken.. I´ve always seen the trust itself as a tap of water with measurements, so that you can imagine that full tap would be 100ml which is 100% trust and empty tap means no trust... and then i always imagined patience to be an empty cup under that tap. Since its empty there´s a lot of space - a lot of patience but when it fills up there´s no patience at all as all space is filled with broken trust, with all the drops of water that signify all the actions that have hurt me or somehow broken my trust. Over time, the cup got so full it broke, and thats how betrayal felt, that everything was empty and broken inside of me.. Days became longer and pointless as if there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. Endless sadness was making me hate everything around me, my nervous system was failing and emotions were out of control... Day in sofa, day in bed.. You know this feeling? And as a person who moves a lot and who's usually very excited and full of life this mode was so not me and it disgusted me how lazy and pointless i became.. "Isn't this how all the ´others´ spend their depressed days" - I´d think.. but i wouldn't change it anyways.. so i became one of the others..

Support from my mother was something i never needed, i found myself stronger when nobody said anything like "Hey Im here for you" because then it would mean I'm weak and id want to tell the others how i felt and that would probably lead to tears.. and believe me, nobody wants to see my crying face! No matter how many times my mom and others tried to help i pushed them away from me... And then i hated myself for that.. somewhere deep inside tho because what was on top of that hating feeling was the anger for the betrayal... i couldn't feel anything.. not even love to myself.. Until it hit me - When you love yourself and project a positive ´vibe´ everything gets around.. So then they began, the renaissance days of Masha - exercising every day and healthy eating - all though some fatty tasty treats were essential as well :)

The moral of the story - there are days and even weeks, slowly flowing into months that you might be feeling depressed, might be feeling sad and empty but theres always a way out! I found mine - running, running to see the sunset on the beach or running on the golf pitches.. it cleared my head and made me feel better about myself!

You might be thinking "I hate running" ... guess what? two years ago, i would invent any excuse for not doing PE lessons, id forget my kit and make my mom write me notes - or even fake the notes and write them myself! But once, things weren't going well and i went for a walk... and i ended up by running a little.. since then, i decided i would do those walks whenever i was feeling sad and that how my love for running grew! (i just realise i had a pretty sad life because i was running literally 2 or 3 times a week!! oops..) you might find any other activities that interest you or that will make your mind go away from the things and everything will get better!

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Regarding this outfit.. It was on a day i decided to catch up with my other old friend i haven't seen in ages! It didn't really get my mind off the depression as for those 3 hours - which passed faster than the blink of your eyes when you first wake up in the morning - we let us share the grey noise in our lives and it was the moment of closure and relief which afterwards made me feel lighter as i let go of all the weight in my heart. After that, we happily finished with a big hug of support and a little photoshoot for you my lovelies!