OTTAWA – During a press conference held late Friday, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that the federal government has officially approved both the sale of Quebec to Malaysia (the “Petronas” deal), as well as the sale of the rest of Canada to China (the “Nexen” deal). Both investment deals have been under review by the government for months as officials decided whether they constituted a “net benefit” for Canada.

“I would like to announce the approval of the pending sales of Quebec to Malaysia, and the rest of Canada to China,” stated Harper. These decisions were not taken lightly, due to the legitimate concerns of 100% foreign ownership of our country. Citizens living outside of Quebec will become Chinese citizens, while Quebecers will inherit Malaysian citizenship.”

Harper then moved to quell fears of further foreign takeovers. “Rest assured that these decisions are not the beginning of a trend, but the end of a trend. Further foreign takeovers are not expected, and ex-Canadians should not fear that their new countries of China or Malaysia will themselves get sold.”

Harper then elaborated on the benefits of the deals.

“First of all, there have been frequent complaints in recent years about a ‘democratic deficit’ in Canada, how there’s been a lack of transparency and accountability in Cabinet, and how Parliament is no longer working. As most of us are now Chinese citizens, these expectations now become irrelevant as China is not a democratic state.”

“Secondly, development of the oil sands will no longer be subject to interference from environmental interests. China’s dictatorial government allows it to make important decisions with complete disregard to special interest groups, and they’re not going to let a bunch of tree-huggers get in the way of economic development.”

“Thirdly, we have now solved the Quebec separation issue once and for all, since Quebec and the rest of Canada will be joining separate countries, and will no longer have anything to do with each other. I consider that this will be my finest legacy in office.”

“Finally, this move kills the entire F-35 ‘non-troversy’. No more Canada means no more fighter planes to buy…military requirements will be satisfied with the Russian-made MIGs that are part the Chinese and Malaysian fleets. It goes without saying that this is a historic day for the nation.”