6 Things You Can Relate To if You Really Do Not Care About Football

Football: the weird game where grown men/women in short shorts and a jersey, run around a large field, chasing after a small and inflated round object – spitting and tackling each other…all in the bid to kick the object into some kind of net-like cave. Usually, a person stands inside this cave hoping to stop the object from entering the space. Another person, perhaps a kind of prefect, also stands outside the lines of the field watching the players, waiting to blow a whistle, and possibly wave a yellow or red card at a select number on the field who are being a little too naughty.

The game sounds completely lame, but a number of people actually pay to watch it live; others gather friends and watch it on TV with chicken wings and beer. Yes…a large number of people around the world, mostly the male folk adore the game. It is a sort of language, tribe and religion all rolled up into one too, and as such, the inability to remotely care about it whatsoever severely makes one a social handicap.

The undeniable truth is that some people are not really into football…even when they claim to be. They just do not see the point of the game. This does not make them weird or boring either, however it tends to make things a little difficult for them, seeing as we live in a society where football is adored by so many. Here are 6 struggles of those who hate football.

Too many boring terminologies it’s hard to keep up
Corner Kick, Offside, Penalty, Indirect Free Kick, Dribble, Back Pass…there are so may terminologies used to describe the game, it just makes everything so boring – you get a headache, or you are put off entirely. It’s not an exam, so, why should you have to memorise all that? All in the name of understanding a game! Life should not be that serious, please.

You’ve never understood the point of the game
So, a number of grown men run around a large field shaking their ‘slippers’ behinds and showing off hairy legs chasing, kicking a ball and tackling each other. Eventually, a person kicks the ball into the opponent’s net and a goal is achieved… Really? How does that even make sense? How is this “game” even remotely entertaining? It would be understandable if music is played in the background and a few of them take off their t-shirts and sway to the music…but no. They just run around chasing the ball…that’s it.

Bae expects you to support his/her team
You do not like football; you are also tired of Bae zoning you out and not paying attention to you when the match is on…so you decide to compromise and support his team anyway. You endure a game with him/her, pretend to know who the players are, who the competing teams are, and even listen to Bae talk about them for hours.Bae then takes it a step further and requests that you do “and co” and wear the Man-U jersey with him. Uurggh
He also starts to kick up a fuss when you do not celebrate every win, or defend the team with as much fervor as he does…. this in turn gets you wondering why you even compromised in the first place.

You lose access to the TV you…because of Football
There is a match between Nigeria and Cameroon, and so every channel on the TV has to show patriotism by airing the match live. You favourite shows are cancelled or pushed to the next week, as a result… and that really upsets you. Other times, it’s simply that you can’t have access to the TV because everybody else wants to watch a game. You have no other option, than to sit and watch; or, at most entertain yourself in another way until you can gain access to the TV again.

Video game night also turns out to be FIFA night
Must everything be about football? Why make a video game too? Your friend invites you over for a video game night and you are excited. You already flexed you thumb and recounted the best ways to “finish him”, but then you get to the crib and next thing you see on the screen is FIFA and you are asked to select your team. Really?

People assume you don’t like sports because you don’t like football
“You don’t like football? Oh..I guess sports is not your thing then”. Gosh. They do not like football. Period.

It can be so frustrating when people react that way after you reveal your loathing for football. Football is not equal to sports. The fact that one does not like football does not mean they do not like basketball, volleyball, swimming, e.t.c. Perhaps they just have a preference for a game that is more interesting or has more meaning.

Have you ever met anyone who does not enjoy football? No. Are you one? What are the things you can relate to?

About Nkem Ndem

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for content creation(web, T.V, radio), writing and editing (blog, magazine, text), screenwriting, ghost writing, copy proofreading and reviews. She has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer.

Hmm looks like I’m the first to comment. Nice writeup. I don’t like football. I HATE IT. But seeing as it is loved by every guy, I had to support my ex’s team when we were still together and I even made him get me a jersey just to show I support his team. I still support the same team just because my current partner is a supporter of a rival team. He’s working really hard to get me to be on the same team as he is.. I wish him all the luck in the world. To me football is just not it.

What is this? Are we officially scraping the bottom of the barrel today?

Boring terminologies? People assume you don’t like sports because you don’t like football? You don’t understand the point of the game?

Jesus. Who actually thinks like this? And more importantly, who actually writes this kind of s%%% anymore?

Every single one of those 6 things you have written is oversimplified and hollow. Did you even try? I mean, all you did was just to throw together some lethargic cliches and recycled rhetoric just because you wanted to write an article for Bellanaija. Why? For what?

The whole “women hate football and must complain about it using mindnumbing logic” thingy is so old and so lame. If you want to beat a horse that has been dead for at least 15 years, then at least add some spice to it.

You have come again abi? Why dont u try writing something and see the kinda response you would get before thinking you can do a better job than Nkem.

To think we are yet to see the article you have written for BN to publish and here you are busy bringing down someone’s work. The time it took you to spit all of this bile im sure you would have come up with a story(good or not) for people to comment on.

Nkem…welldone o jare.I always look out for your writeups, you have a fan in me.Keep the good job up

Yes, her sense of humour is rusty and her attempt at reducing the football pitch to a lunatic assylum is ignorant and thoughtless… kicking the dog isn’t going to help…lol…you didn’t have to brutalise her

Well football, along with hip hop, is very important part of my life. My missus says it is maybe TOO important, as I get up as early as 6am to catch premier league games on TV.

At work, one of my browsers has football news pages like bbc.com/football and Guardian.com/football open. Not to worry, I still get to manage work done.

But my missus does not complain too much. She knows she signed up for this from the day she agreed to become Chief Mrs. Akara Pancake. Sometimes she makes me watch Love and HipHop Atlanta, so I guess it is tit for tat. If you are going to make me watch Nene Leaks and Phaedra, then you will have to watch Diego Costa and Kante.

As I like to say, Chelsea football club is my trophy wife (see what I did there).

Nkem you spoke my mind. Scratch that we brainstormed to come up with this piece.
You forgot to mention the endless tournaments you have to pretend to keep up with to prove you are not a cave-rian. Switching from seasonal, national and international. Then you’ve to pretend to your partner or friend as they explain once more what the game is about. Finally if you’re bored, just upload any pix for or against any club on your social media handle and viola the comments will roll in. SMH.

Too many boring terminologies it’s hard to keep up
this!!!!!!!!!.
the other day i asked my husband to explain what a live ball and a dead ball is. after so many attempts, he just said ‘don’t worry, i’ll show you’ . i still dont understand it/

@Real Nigeria….. you really really need to take a break from Bella naija. You never help matters. You’re too caustic, diabolic and invariably unfriendly even when you need to show a little sympathy its all expletives and slur. Bug Off ! You don’t help. Nice article.

How does this article not come across as hateful? I get it is one’s opinion but it still contains lot of spite. Belittling other people’s passion (and source of livelihood) is very unfair just because you do not understand or like it.
Yes, not everyone likes or gets football but No, do not make it look like thrash to get your point across. It is a very popular sport for good reasons.
Just consider this, if everyone wrote about what they hated in the same manner as this article then there will be a lot of bitter people around. I guess this article was written with a particular similarly hateful audience in mind.
By the way, women (running around in the same shorts) play football too…professionally.