Recently I stood up to someone that has been damaging me. I don’t usually do that. Once I had, I was essentially free of the damage, because there was nothing this person could do to hurt me anymore.

And yet I still feel like attacking them. I still find myself fighting them in my head. I still think of them as the enemy even though they are defeated.

I realize that, in this situation, as in so many others, I am the enemy, not that person I think I'm in conflict with. I’m the one making myself unhappy. I’m the one undermining myself now.

That puts the battle where it belongs, with myself. It also creates a problem.

How do I defeat me?

Attacking doesn’t work. If I attack me, I risk killing or subduing at least half of me, and possibly all of me. Defeating myself through attack is suicidal.

Running away doesn’t work. If I run away, I take me with me, and there is nowhere I can go where I won’t be. Running away is futile.

Ignoring doesn’t work. Half of me is always itching for a fight. Ignoring my bullies never stopped them from bullying me when I was a kid, and it won’t work on me either.

So how?

I can get next to myself and look in the same direction, rather than staring at myself and opposing myself. This is a great principle of martial arts, co-opting the momentum of the enemy to accomplish your purpose. If I am teaching a group of noisy children, and I want them to quiet down, I teach them a soft song and I get them to sing it with me, using their energy to accomplish my aims.

I can understand what I want to fight about and resolve it. If I discover what I’m angry about, then I can actually address it. Once the issue is resolved, there’s no fight left.

Most important, I can accept that I have a fighting side! I may be attacking myself because I don’t want to engage in a more necessary fight. There are lots of worthy battles available out there: a fight for recognition, a fight to earn a living, a fight to change the world.

So when I’m the enemy I don’t need to defeat myself at all. I need instead to make myself an ally, or better yet, to fully own my nature as a fighter. That’s a hard thing for me to do, but it’s worth fighting for.

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News From a Jazz Musician Who Writes Books

I completed my newest album, Bitter Green, which I created for the RPM Challenge! To hear it, go to http://rpmchallenge.com/index.php/component/comprofiler/userprofile/adamcole?Itemid=108

Adam Cole is a Jazz Musician Who Writes Books. Fantasy author, music educator and performer, Adam chats weekly on the subject of listening, creativity and living your best life. To take a quiz on what kind of music warrior you are, please visit www.mymusicfriend.net

Comments

Josef DellaGrotte March 24, 2019 @08:56 pm

read with interest ...yes, I also was bullied a lot and so can continue the flight-fright-fight complex at a ;virtual' mental level.
and cultivate a change thru specific processes. One is to cultivate 'quality of life"and very specifically. Will send you my latest blog...