Archive for the ‘Mister Boffo’ Category

It took more than 10 years, and access to the most powerful and sophisticated military equipment and personnel in the world, but the United States has finally captured (dead, as it happens) Osama bin Laden. Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, I was hopeful we would find bin Laden. A few months later, I was doubtful. A few years later, I was sure he had been lost to the caves and mountains of Afghanistan. I had given up hope and lost my determination. Fortunately, our special ops troops and intelligence officers kept their resolve. Tonight, they’ve pulled off the (almost) impossible task of finding a single person in a world of seven billion. While most of us resigned ourselves to defeat, they kept up the manhunt. Tonight, their heroic efforts have paid off handsomely, and thanks to them, I feel a profound mix of pride, gratitude, and relief.

How can you tell if your baby is gifted? Sadly, this is a question that a lot of parents take seriously, especially in big cities like Chicago where they’re terrified of sending their children to neighborhood schools. Earlier this week, the Chicago Tribuneexposed its readers to “kindercramming,” or intensive tutoring sessions for toddlers. Perhaps I’m being lax, but my educational plans for my future children include reading to them every day, teaching them how to cook, encouraging them to play outside, and exposing them to lots of music. My plans do not include a $1,000 tutor who will teach them spatial relationships so they can test into a gifted elementary school.

Good thing the man in this strip doesn’t live in Chicago, because if he did he’d need more than a “pocket full of meter money” in order to “park someplace fancy.” He’d need a credit card. Sure, Chicago’s recently privatized parking meters take coins, but those quaint units of currency will only buy you so much time. If you’re parking downtown, you’ll need an entire roll of quarters to pay for two measly hours. Where will those ten dollars go? Into the city’s coffers to pay for road maintenance? No, they’ll go to Chicago Parking Meters, LLC, which paid more than a billion dollars for the right to gouge drivers. Where did those billion dollars go? Well, judging by the potholes near my house, they didn’t go into road maintenance.

If you’re a manager who’s looking to boost employee morale, you probably have several tools at your disposal – offering substantial annual pay raises, moderating conflicts in a fair, even-handed manner, taking every opportunity to remind your employees how lucky they are to still have a job in the midst of a recession (just kidding on that last one) – but no traditional technique would have more of a positive impact than…messing with the cubicles. Imagine how much fun staff members would have if their cubes had four walls, one of which they had to scale every time they wanted to sit down. Scaling walls is fun. It’s an activity that should be encouraged whenever and wherever possible, even in office buildings.

Priorities, right? No one can crack a murder case on an empty stomach, so it’s perfectly reasonable for the hungry Holmes in this strip to want to grab a bite before he considers the evidence. Then again, the detective is kneeling beside a dead man, so he must have either an awesome appetite or a stunning ability to compartmentalize. Or he could be a sociopath. Or, you know, some unsettling combination of the three.

Today is Halloween, and my wife and I are naturally and appropriately focused on candy. We bought Kit-Kats, Butterfingers, Almond Joys, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (both milk chocolate and dark chocolate varieties), Hershey’s Kisses, and Hershey’s Cookies n’ Creme Bars. These goodies are ostensibly set aside for trick-or-treaters, but we plan to eat our fair share as well. However, once November hits, my wife and I will go back to eating vegetables. That might sound lame, but we really do enjoy them. We’re even partial to peas and squash, despite their unappetizing names. Grilled squash? Lightly buttered peas? Who could ask for anything more?

As far as I’m concerned, the only donuts worth saving in a flood would be Devil’s Food Cake donuts (glazed, not frosted). If a biblical donut dispenser handed me two bear claws, I would trade them for two Devil’s Food Cake donuts. Instead of long johns I would take two more Devil’s Food Cake donuts. And instead of crullers? That’s right. Two more Devil’s Food Cake donuts. Only after I working my way up to three-dozen Devil’s Food Cake donuts would I opt for another variety. Hmm. Thirty-six Devil’s Food Cake donuts and two blueberry jelly-filled donuts? That sounds about right.