"My mouth is already watering... Last time, I was bringing some to party,
but due to weather, it was rescheduled for a month later... I froze the cookies
and took them out the day of the party. The cookies never made to dessert time...
Everyone kept sneaking into the kitchen to steal them and by the time dinner was
over...no more cookies! Thanks for making such a great product." Michele
N. (Howell, New Jersey)

Udine - February 6, 2015 - An Italian man has been ordered to take a
psychiatric test after giving a Rome woman and her husband 100,000 Euros
($108,500 USD).

The gift was a way of thanking the couple for their friendship and support
when his mother died.

But for prosecutor Paola De Francheschi, the act of generosity was too good
to be true. She argued that the couple took advantage of the benefactor's "poor
mental or physical health" and ordered a psychiatric assessment of the man, a
local newspaper reported.

"I donated that money after reflecting on my life," he said.

"They demonstrated closeness and comfort towards me a few years ago, when my
mother died."

The couple were named as Monica Braidic, 26, and Shwan A Hamah Rasheed, a
25-year-old from Iraq.

The case come to light in 2011 when Italy’s financial police probed cash
transfers to Iraq over suspected money laundering after the couple sent some of
the money to help family there.

Ah, Italians know all to well just how bitter inheritance fights can
get. Inheritance conflict is always "the final damn straw" for challenged
families, with family members vowing to never speak to one another again and
warning "nessuno me lo ficca in culo!" (no one is going to stick it up
my _____!)

Now, there's the belief that 92% of inheritances are left to relatives
who don't deserve them. Interpret this as your golden opportunity to step
in.

Earning an Italian inheritance requires a multi-faceted approach that
combines psychology, craftiness, wit, a minimum amount of self-awareness and a
good dose of common sense. Try out these recommendations when you are in the
company of a well-to-do Italian:

Avoid giving worthless opinions and get a t-shirt with the words "Sei perfetto" (You're perfect).
"Who did your hair today...because you're perfect."
"Where did you dig up those shoes...because you're perfect."

When an Italian reflects on his life, be careful, he is trying to
prove something at the expense of others. And who are you to interrupt this
creative flow?
Therefore, always remember: he knows everything...you know nothing.

How exaggeratedly proud they can get when they tell a funny story.
Bring over an accordion player to the house and tell the Italian you want to
turn the story into a ballad.

Answer every incredible question that pops up in their head. "Pasquale, if a woman wears a tight shirt, could she become a grandmother
one day?"

When you are witness to an Italian's barrage of reprimands directed
at a family member or relative, NEVER say a word.
With each embarrassing fact, incident or episode presented, nod both
"yes" for you confirm it had occurred AND then "no" to illustrate
your equal disgust and shock.

Catholic School Nuns: "We will always rule."

Vatican City - February 6, 2015 - Pope Francis told parents it is OK to spank
their children to discipline them as long as their dignity is maintained.

“One time, I heard a father in a meeting with married couples say ‘I
sometimes have to smack my children a bit, but never in the face so as to not
humiliate them’,” Pope Francis said.

“How beautiful.” he added. “He knows the sense of dignity! He has
to punish them but does it justly and moves on.”

The Rev Thomas Rosica, who collaborates with the Vatican press office, said
the pope was obviously not speaking about committing violence or cruelty against
a child but rather about “helping someone to grow and mature”.

“Who has not disciplined their child or been disciplined by parents when
we are growing up?” Rosica said in an email.

It recommended that the Vatican amend its own laws to prohibit corporal
punishment of children, including within the family, and to create ways to
enforce that ban in Catholic schools around the world.

The recommendations were prompted by reports of widespread physical abuse and
use of corporal punishment in Catholic-run schools, particularly in Ireland,
that committee members said had reached “endemic levels.”

The Vatican had argued that it in no way promoted corporal punishment, but
that it also had no way to enforce any kind of ban on its use in Catholic
schools, over which it has no jurisdiction. It noted that it was only
responsible for implementing the child rights treaty inside the Vatican City
State.

In the United States, parents can legally hit their child as long as the
force is “reasonable”. In 19 U.S. states, it’s still legal for personnel in
schools to practice “paddling”.

"Puttana della miseria!" This isn't going to end, is it!?

It's up to our news staff to acknowledge that there is something not
kosher with the Catholic Church and its relationship with Catholic school kids.

If that Vatican never promoted corporal punishment, then who did and why
do they still deem it necessary? And what the hell is happening to the little
ones up in Ireland, God bless those laddies! That has to explain why they
start drinking in second grade.

The nuns...

Oh, "porca vacca", those nuns! Dressed in bloated black and
white uniforms that communicated more like bats from hell than servants of the
Lord. Why do they always have a “hidden agenda” when they interact with
people? What about the ones with the Sally Fields flying nun ensemble?
They were the leaders of the pack with the quickest lethal hands.

And what would happen if you were you identified as a "possible" trouble
maker, preferably male, by any one of the hysterical ones? Maybe you were a
little overenthusiastic from that B+ on the math test? That was it! Your
self-esteem became a moving target of the other maniacs as well, whether you
were in their grade level or not!

Well, we have news for the Sisters of the Sorrowful Mother Charity of
the Divine Savior of the Immaculate Conception in Kentucky:

You are not living a “natural life.”

You are living in a “make believe world” full of “wizardry” and
“processions.”

You have no idea what earning a living on this Italian planet is all
about.

So, wake up, sisters! This is it! You're caught in the Twilight
Zone!

We're curious...most of you have relatives who attended Catholic Schools
in the 50’s and 60's. How are they doing? They can't think on their own, can
they? That's right, we said it!

They've been reduced to a bunch of Forrest Gumps:

"Life is a like a box of rosary beads. You never know which one
could save you from eternal damnation."

"Hey Nonno, can you help me with my science homework?" Oh, Pietro,
I can only get you through as far as the first grade. After that you're on
your own."

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Every country has their old wives' tales and Italy is no exception, in
particular, in the southern parts.

Italians of all ages are aware of at least 7-10 different superstitions, be
they international, or ones particularly close to the family’s heart.

Whether it is the theatrical attitude of Italians, or their deep faith and
spirituality, superstition is as important as religion at times.

Remember, religion may save the soul, but superstition protects us from those
little daily occurrences of bad luck which can be a real annoyance. So, here
we go:

Careful with that olive oil.
Italians love their olive oil...excuse us...real extra virgin olive oil.
Not the kind where there is more Italian on the label than in the bottle
itself. The real stuff that comes directly from southern Italy and not
Vietnam.
Now, it's common for an oil bottle to slip from a clumsy cook’s hands and
splatter all over the floor. Along with wasted oil, we believe bad luck and
misery will pour out of a bottle as well. Remedy: Toss a handful of salt over your left shoulder.

How to avoid annoying spirits from the dead.
When that dear beloved passes on, the memories remain...unfortunately, so
does their voice ringing in your head. You could almost swear it gets
louder. But we do have ways of outmaneuvering spirits that sometimes
return to wrap up unfinished family business or simply to annoy us:

After leaving the cemetery, we return home by taking another route. It does
a good job of confusing the spirits...and we're almost sure Google Maps
isn't available wherever the hell they wind up in the afterlife. Almost.

Oh, we also place the beloved's favorite items (photo, wooden spoon, old
pair of black shoes, pocket string, etc.) into the coffin so they don't
return to retrieve their prized possessions. If we forget something at the
last minute, no worry. We just throw it in the next beloved's coffin for
they will surely meet up later on to say hello and compare notes.

Avoid people sweeping.
Italian singles are very careful when there people sweeping floors near
them. If their feet are brushed by accident with a broom, it's over! No
marriage in their future.

Strangely, the single men who are always nervous around unruly Swiffer
sweepers are the so-called Latin lovers who have the muscle tone of a
pillow. But the single ladies are all the ones who could have been in
the movie 'Pretty Woman'...as the Richard Gere part. Strangely.

Look people in the eye when giving a toast.
We always look people straight in the eye when we raise our glasses and take
that first sip before lowering the glass. Otherwise, it’s seven long years
of boring sex. Now you know how to distinguish a happy Italian couple
from a seemingly happy one.

There will be those who will toast to good health, happiness and fortune...and
those to an asteroid crashing into their bedroom, bringing an end to their
Italian existence.

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