Main menu

Breaking

Search form

Crime

While you were away on spring break, HUPD was busy keeping Harvard safe. Here are some calls that came across the HUPD wire:

Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.

Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Clad in green berets and multi-colored, patchwork vests, Girl Scout Troop 1524 laid siege to a colonial-style home belonging to local man Ted Smith, who had reportedly failed to pay for his order of four dozen Caramel deLites® cookies.

Last night at approximately 1:30 a.m., a female Harvard undergraduate was approached by a disheveled male and threatened at knifepoint in JFK Park. Multiple witnesses and the victim have stated that the man, later identified by authorities as George Jennings, placed a knife to her neck and demanded that she hand over all her money.

As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids. God save your souls.”

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.