“Hi, this is Muff Daddy with the Channel 69 news at 11. Chicken Bone Her, you are the official referee of Beer Mile, is that correct?”

“I’m sorry but I can’t…”

“Is it true that there is a massive controversy regarding the champion and world record of longest Beer Mile?”

“Like I said, One Night Only and I are still consulting…”

“I heard that there were further complaints regarding unanticipated boot usage, a confusion regarding something called The Claw, and substandard mileage, is all of this correct?”

“We can neither confirm nor deny…”

“And did Tuna on Top run people over with a Jump bike?”

“No of course not!”

“So all the rest is true. Good evening, Muff Daddy reporting live from Marina Green regarding the latest Beer Mile controversy developing tonight. I have it confirmed from multiple sources that there is massive outcry regarding the results. Tears have been shed, along with the usual sweat and vomit, leaving the audience confused and disturbed at what has taken place. Officials— “ Chicken Bone Her threw her beer at him and stomped off. “As I was saying, officials have been slow to respond to these allegations. For more, I have the previous record holder, Just Get It Over With, here to tell us more. Let’s start at the beginning.”

“Yes, I have to start first because I always take so long to finish,” Just Get It Over With nodded. “I was barely through my first can when Lost In Foreskin came in first.”

“Do you remember anything else in particular about the front of the race?”

“Everything seemed normal enough, except we had two virgins, Just Caroline and Just Trevor, who finished together twenty minutes in. That seemed just completely off the wall, and I almost wonder if they were… you know… faking it. But the usuals were all up front, Who’s Your Daddy was in second with Hello Titties right behind. Do Her Well hit her standard ten minute mark, and Tonya Hardon probably would have been a bit faster had she not been literally clotheslined and beaten to a pulp.”

“Do you think Just Shelby was out to get her?”

“Oh no, Tonya did it all to herself, you know that masochism is almost a defining trait of Beer Milers. I mean, just look at Bush and A Rack.”

Muff Daddy glanced over. “What about her?”

“That boot might as well be hollow the way she stashes her beer away.”

“Actually has anyone checked the boot?” Muff Daddy frowned.

“Ummm. No. Anyway, she was the only member of GIMPH3 to partake in Beer Mile proper, with Shaft opting to tag team the beer with Hand Pump and Five Angry Inches just whining on facebook about it instead of sucking it up and forcing Jack The Ripper to give him a piggyback ride. But none of that was the problem…”

“Which was?” Muff Daddy prompted.

“I had to be given a second timer, I was taking so long. I think they gave it to Muppet Dick after he DNF’d. Good Shit had time to do an extra beer mile lap just because he was thirsty. Wrinklepecker showed up late and still surpassed me. The pack had run off at Just Doesn’t Get It’s whistle, Do Her Well was yelling incoherently about backchecks, and Mouth Down South had written an ode to Malort by the time I had just started my first beers.”

“Um, go on.”

“Sure thing. Just Radu’s dog had dug a hole to China, Minor 69er had snuck off with the last Claw that Sleazy brought, and Tongueless’s Penis had developed amnesia about the pain of Beer Mile and was already speculating about his time next year. And I had just at that point opened my fourth can.”

“Okay.”

“Limbo Bimbo had already called into work sick, One and Done had already called home sick, and Cockulus Oculus had already helped Tricrapylete limp off to the on after by the time I finished. I look around, and there was no one. No. One.”

“So you clearly were the slowest,” Muff Daddy finished.

“You would think so. You. Would. Think. So. But no—apparently Cream Throat Willy finished, threw up, and failed to complete a penalty lap until circle. He was given a time of almost three hours! Three hours! The man was wearing track spikes! And I tried to appeal to Sir Menage a Lot and Cockamole, but they have passed to buck so hard to next year’s GMs that it has sired a whole herd of baby deer by now.”

“So you think the results are wrong…”

“The results are a farce! Mile-us Interruptus does not Count-us! I am taking this all the way to the top.”

“What are your plans?”

“Well, Dick Simmons has the footage, and Cosmopolitits and Cum Test Dummy were sober—mostly—during Beer Mile, so they will be my witnesses. Fucker and Gloryhole have convincing accents, so they will be my attorneys, and Crabs was a spokesperson at some point so he’ll handle my media. Vagina Dentata is drafting my list of demands.”

“Welll, Chicken Bone Her sort of forgot to write it down. So I’m not quite sure. But it was definitely longer than last year.”

“That’s what she said. This is Muff Daddy reporting from the 2019 Beer Mile, we’ll be back with more after the break.”