Taking Stock of Christmas 2018 and Facing the New Year

December was very trying for those of us living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. We may have endured visiting relatives who lived up to our expectations of being highly triggering, which may have left us feeling exhausted.

We may have been quick to put away what decorations we felt obligated to erect, perhaps even stuffing the Christmas tree into its box or gleefully looking about afterward feeling happy the winter holidays are over.

However, we now face two prospects we will likely try to brush to the back of our minds.

Christmas will be back, and the new year 2019 is right around the corner. Therefore, the topics of this last article are ways we can begin planning for Christmas 2019 and being very intentional about how we can plan to improve 2019.

Learning to Reshape Our Reactions from Christmas 2018

Like many of you, I must force myself to rethink my attitudes toward Christmas every year. Annually, I try to make myself mentally ready for the onslaught of holiday movies, decorations, light displays, and other sights and sounds.

I’m sure the fact hasn’t passed by any of you that in the United States the stores begin putting up their holiday decorations to attract shoppers earlier and earlier each year. One store where I live had Christmas trees up and decorated at the end of September.

The only way to prepare for the yearly assault on our injured senses is to begin right after Christmas day looking for ways to prepare for Christmas 2019.

Taking time to sit down and write down the reactions we had to the sights and sounds of Christmas in 2018, can help us make appropriate changes for next year.

On your own piece of paper or in the notes app on your smart phone you may choose to write the following questions:

What were the things I found triggering during Christmas 2018?

How did I handle these triggers? Did I employ healthy coping mechanisms, or call my trauma-informed therapist?

Was I able to say no to family or friends when I needed to? Or did I give in because I felt guilty?

What can I do differently next year?

By taking inventory of our reactions to Christmas 2018, we can make plans for Christmas 2019.

Handling a Triggering Family

Once you have written down the things which bothered you and how you reacted to them, it’s time to strategize. Like any accomplishment in life, being aware of a problem is the first step in mitigating it. With some planning, you can propel yourself forward and have a better outcome.

If your family was a huge trigger for you this year, it is guaranteed they will be in 2019. So, what can you do to mitigate this problem next year?

Here are a few suggestions:

Plan a vacation. That’s right, make plans now to save the funds and take a vacation to visit someplace on your bucket list of places to go next Christmas. There is no need to offer any excuses or to feel obligated to explain your decision to anyone. Simply save up the funds to get to your destination and plenty of spending money – then, next December head out on a new adventure leaving your triggering family members far behind.

Plan to get a room. If you are like me and live on a fixed income, you don’t have the money to make elaborate plans to get away. Instead, make plans to save up enough funds to check into a hotel or an Airbnb in the next town. Make sure to save up enough money to fill up the refrigerator in your room and to eat out at least once.

Again, there is no reason to explain to anyone your decision to take a mini-vacation or a stay-cation.You are an adult. Rent your hotel room, or your Airbnb, take a nice long soaking bath, relax and enjoy the peace.

Plan now to say no. For many complex trauma survivors, saying no to our relatives when they ask us to join their craziness at Christmas is beyond difficult. However, if you make plans and work toward them all year, you stand a better chance of saying no in 2019. Pro tip: being involved in one of CPTSD Foundation’s groups can be very helpful. Safe community who understand family of origin dynamics helps us to make healthier choices for our own healing journey. The foundation offers free groups, as well as affordable Daily Calls where trauma survivors come to support one another in a safe group environment.

The very first step to take however, is to begin talking with your therapist. Together you can explore why you feel obligated to your family and how to take back the power you give away every year when you fee as though you can’t say no. With consistent work, by the time Christmas 2019 rolls around you will have a strategy that works for you. You will then feel empowered enough to lessen the guilt which comes from standing up to the pressures that come against you from the family members who want you to join in on their annual drama.

Making Your New Year’s Resolutions

Many of us make new year’s resolutions every year, but few of us follow through. The biggest reason for this failure is that we make promises to ourselves we cannot keep.

The secret answer to this problem is to make resolutions we can keep and this will help us in the year ahead. Here are four sample resolutions I came up with. You can do one, all four or any combination thereof, only be sure you make sure what you set as the promise(s) to yourself are realistic and reachable.

Resolution One: I will set and maintain healthy boundaries. Setting up immutable limits for other people can cause those of us who are living in the grips of complex post-traumatic stress disorder shiver. However, if we are to make 2019 a successful year, setting healthy boundaries with all toxic people is vital.

First, decide what behaviors you find intolerable in the people you know. Do they lie to you or steal from you? Do they use guilt or your past to keep you doing what they want you to do?

Second, decide when you want the behaviors you consider intolerable to end and when you will want them to stop. This may sound easy but making the decision to confront those who use you or lie to you is only the initial step, you then must carry out your choice.

The first suggestion I would give for setting these barriers to protect against intentional or unintentional harm by others is to practice first with someone you trust. This person may be your therapist, your kids or even your mailman. Anyone you feel comfortable with and will not retaliate makes a great choice.

Then, after you have practiced setting boundaries, set your first one with someone with whom there is a chance of retaliatory anger. Keep in mind their rage will not kill you and you are an adult now. You have the perfect right to hang up the phone, leave their home or order them to leave yours. This is not the past, this is now.

Resolution Two: I will get the help I need to improve my mental health. It is often tempting to walk away from trauma therapy. It is hard, heartbreaking and sometimes expensive work. Who would willingly desire to spend an hour or more a week looking at themselves in the uncompromising mirror of self-examination?

However, people who are living with the effects of complex trauma and its causes are incapable of dealing with and recovering from it without help from an unbiased, well-trained, preferably trauma-informed mental health professional.

I will give you a promise about this you can bank on. If you go to trauma therapy, stick with it and work hard, I guarantee it will be worth it in the end. One day the clouds of hurt from the trauma which hurt you so severely will part, and the sunshine will pour down on you.

I know because this is what has happened to me. The effects the adverse childhood experiences I survived on my life have been profound and left me with a severe mental health issue which will likely never completely heal. However, this does not mean I can’t find ways to live with the mental condition and have a long, satisfying, and peaceful life.

But, I had to work for it. I have spent three decades in therapy gaining a life after severe childhood trauma. Let me tell you, it has been well worth it. I now am more self-aware and well-adjusted than many I have met who do not have a severe mental health problem.

Resolution Three: I will be kind to myself. Many of us know how to be kind to other people. We spend a lot of time telling others they are special and how much we love them. We also openly accept others with unconditional warm regard; with their flaws and imperfections, we even let them off the hook when they make mistakes.

However, how many of us do these things for ourselves?

For instance, when was the last time you looked in the mirror and either thought or better yet, said out loud that you are special and that you love you?

Yet, it is these self-affirmations which can launch us forward in the new year and help us gain new understanding and self-respect; unconditional warm regard for self—this is a great goal for all complex trauma survivors.

Resolution Four: I will resist negative thinking. Yes, you are correct, resisting thoughts about ourselves and our circumstances in negative terms is horrendously difficult for us.

In our families or origin, we witnessed the adults of the house putting each other down and making negative comments about our bodies or personalities. The pessimism oozed out of their mouths and actions leaving us with a picture of life immersed in negativity.

After reaching adulthood, we find ourselves caught up in the behaviors of those who raised us. We worry and fret over the future and say and feel disapprovingly about ourselves.

In 2019, I challenge you to change those stinking thinking processes into something beautiful instead. One place to start is in the mirror each morning. Instead of quickly brushing your teeth and combing your hair, take a moment to look at yourself. Because of the harmful messages we received as kids, we might at first only see what we were told in childhood. We may see ourselves as too fat, too skinny, ugly or any number of undesirable descriptions.

Now it is time to see the real you.

You are not a monster. You are a remarkably kind man or woman, nothing else. While looking at your reflection, realize you may have physical flaws, but remind yourself that so does every other human on the planet. Find the good things you see in the mirror and dwell on them. It’s okay. It’s not vanity, it’s the growth of self-awareness.

Think about any flaws you have in your character. Are they changeable? Do they even exist at all?

Many times, we see things in our behaviors and actions we do not like which either can be changed or do not exist. Why not try to allow yourself to be falliable and love yourself anyway.

If this is initially difficult for you, please remember these words Athena Moberg says to each and every one of our trauma survivor community members, “YOU are an unrepeatable miracle. You are valuable. There has never been, nor will there ever be another you. You are uniquely gifted and have talents you were born with which no one else has. I am glad you were born. I am grateful for your life.”

Did You Know that Sometimes You are Powerless?

I have spent many years of my life living in apprehension of the future. I feared the future and dreaded what it may contain.

I know many of our readers feel the same, so I wish to share some words of wisdom my therapist Paula implanted in my soul during our fifteen plus years of working together. The following section and the one that comes after are full of her words which have helped me gain a grip on my fears and on life.

Yes, It is true, any number of horrible experiences may await you in 2019.

Someone you love may die, you may face a major illness, a disaster may strike your home, or you could spend time in the hospital. However, it is vital to understand that some things are not in your control.

While all those things are possible, you can take steps to prevent illness by taking better care of yourself and lessen the loss to your home by fire by owning insurance. However, some things are not in your ability to stop. Death is an inevitable truth which escapes no one. Not only that, but there might be a myriad of other nasty surprises in your future over which you have no sway.

So, what is a person to do?

Paula’s Parting Words of Wisdom

The last day I saw Paula before she retired, she reminded me of all she had taught me. Now I’m am passing her wisdom on to you. Like with anything else, you can take what you like and leave the rest. However, I wouldn’t ignore what I’m about to impart to you, because these words of wisdom can help you change your life.

Do not dread death. Death is an inevitable fact of life. Instead, tell those you cherish that you love them loudly and often while they are still living. Give them hugs, send them flowers, and call them telling them how important they are to you.

Do not fear the future. Time will pass and the future will be here whether you plan for it or not. Instead, embrace the future while enjoying the present. Make good memories today for yourself and your family that will last. Have a picnic in your living room, fly kites in the spring, and camp out in your backyard.

Spend time enjoying your life. Life is short and there will be time for sickness and death later. For now, look up at the stars at night. Visit someone with a new baby and look into the baby’s eyes feeling awed by the miracle before you. Go out into the woods and listen to the sounds of nature. Allow yourself the thrill of the feeling of the bark of a tree against your hands and cheeks.

Finally, Life is an experience to relish, not dread. We are privileged to be part of life, There is only one way to end the effects of the past and build a better 2019, we must spend quality time enjoying life today.

Like Paula told me, you might as well live well and enjoy the ride because you’re just like everyone else, no one gets out of life alive.

We here at the CPTSD Foundation wish you a blessed and fruitful new year ahead full of much joy, health, and love.

First, thank you very much for all you do. Am I allowed to add something to the wisdom section? But first: I am not a native english speaker, please excuse my mistakes. Second: I get easily triggered by wisdom nuggets like those mentioned above, they remind me of “be grateful” “lump it” “see the positive” I had to endure from people I tried to tell about my abuse. I suggest the following for some who might not be there yet. 1. It is perfectly normal to dread death. Nature has equipped us with wonderful mechanisms to stay alive, this is one of them. If the feeling of fear is there, i suggest you look at the whys and what you fear most. Remember that without death, there is no evolution, without evolution, there is no hope. the true death is when everything stays the same, the standstill. This is the end of all life. 2. Fear of the future comes from painful past experiences, and of the perceived inability to cope. Fear may also be a warning that there is something in need to be taken care of. As a Zen Master put it: its a feeling, it comes and goes. If I am afraid of the future I try to react as my wise counsellor puts it: become aware. evaluate the situation. act accordingly. I do not always manage to do it (the worst obstacle to good planning and reacting is a pessimist with high creativity, and I am an artist), but it is a good recipe. 3. Life is an experience to relish, not to dread – well, it depends. For people who have to face horrible circumstances (concentration camps, oppression, torture, racism etc) they cannot change life may well be an experience to dread. And those things are reality on this plane of existence. For some, maybe still living with abuse or its aftermath, life is not very pleasant either. I can’t see life as an experience to relish right now, and for me, that is OK. I try to be aware of the beauty that is still there, of the tremendous energy of life around me. And to see it as the adventure it is – and it would not be a real adventure without the “stuck in the jungle with tigers, leeches and mosquitoes” part. Once I am out of the jungle or in a pleasant hut with a nice shaman I will see that life can be relished too. Until I am there I concentrate on survival without putting emotional pressure (“you should see things differently”) on myself. So much for my five cents. Thank you again for your work, and all the best from Eastern Europe for a magical 2019

This is going to be a rather lengthy response, but I think it is important.

Thank you, Danielle for your thought filled comment. I am sorry if something I wrote made you uncomfortable, and I respect your opinions very much.

Please allow me to address the things you said in your comment to clarify what was the heart of what I wrote in the article.

First, I was not trying to insinuate to anyone who has been through horrendous circumstances and now lives with the consequences should “be grateful” or “lump it”.

I have been through horrible abuse and understand what it feels like to have people try to marginalize my experiences and tell me to ignore and get over what happened.

I can’t, and I won’t.

However, the most powerful thing I ever did on my healing journey has been to not listen to those who would say I just need to “get over it” and “move on.” They were and still are dry wells not having any water to help me not die of dehydration while working on past issues.

Instead, I needed to find wells with water in them, good people who would support me and never say “get over it” because they understand that it takes time to heal. They have held me when I have wept and been there on my good days and bad.

Your point was that it is perfectly normal to dread death.

I agree that dread of dying is a way to make us have a healthy fear of dying so that we won’t get ourselves into risky situations. I also agree death helps us evolve as people.

What I was saying is that dreading death so much that you forget to live is wasteful because we all die some time. There are no exceptions, so live life accepting life on life’s terms as much as you can. That does not mean allowing yourself or others to harm you and walk away shirking it off, that means doing all you can to move forward from that person or situation and allow yourself to carry on.

I like your statement, “fear of the future comes from past experiences and the perceived inability to cope.”

I believe the active word is “perceived.”

We do have the power as adults to change how we look at our past experiences. It takes time, but eventually developing the skills to sit back and ask ourselves, “What did I learn from that experience?” is very powerful.

Your next point regarded having a fear of the future.

Indeed, healthy concern about the future and how we will cope when there is something that needs addressing is very true.

Also, yes, fear is a feeling that comes and goes.

I love your following statement, “If I am afraid of the future I try to react as my wise counsellor puts it: become aware, evaluate the situation, then act accordingly. I do not always manage to do it (the worst obstacle to good planning and reacting is a pessimist with high creativity, and I am an artist), but it is a good recipe.”
How powerful is that! Amazing insight!

Your third point was about me saying, “Life is an experience to relish, not to dread.”

Did you know that people in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany who suffered horrendously under Hitler’s regime, did their best to maintain some life? There were even marriages and lover’s making love.

I am not at all saying their circumstances weren’t horrible, I would never say something so dreadful. They suffered and died in numbers I cannot fathom.

I was trying to help my readers see that no matter how you have suffered in your past, and no matter how unpleasant it is today may seem, someday the clouds of dread, loneliness, isolation, depression, etc., will part and life will begin to be something entirely different.

However, the road less taken is a long one and it takes bravery to walk down it. Yet, once you do, if you remain determined, you will find that the journey is well worth it.

You are also correct, it is where you are and many others as well, and that is perfectly OK.

I adore your statement, “I try to be aware of the beauty that is still there, of the tremendous energy of life around me. And to see it as the adventure it is – and it would not be a real adventure without the “stuck in the jungle with tigers, leeches and mosquitoes”

Life IS an adventure and to spend all our time dreading it and its outcome is putting ourselves in a prison of our own making. While we all go through hard times, and no one escapes this truth and I mean NO ONE, what harm does it do to stop our suffering and spend some time looking for the beauty around us.

But, yep, there are lots of tigers, leeches and mosquitoes in among the beautiful flowers and trees.

It does take time to reach the point where you are out of the woods, or jungle as you said.

There is one thing I feel I need to say.

You will NEVER be in the position where there are no emotional pressures, nope, won’t happen. No matter how far down the road less taken you go, there will always be experiences you neither want nor anticipated.

However, while you are struggling to get out of survival mode and into thriving, why not look up once in a while to look at the stars or enjoy yourself at a park watching kids play?

Can it hurt? Will it divert you from your healing? Will it lessen what you went through in the past or marginalize what you are going through today?

Just some food for thought.

Thank you, Danielle. Your comment will assist me in writing in the future.

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