It’s probably because im hopefully going to be having my embryo transfer next week or possibly because i cant go on Facebook without seeing kids all over it or because Team Miracle is having such success at the moment.

But oh my God i want a baby, RIGHT NOW!!! 😂😂

Obviously i know i have to wait for a baby and im so excited/nervous to be pregnant again but oh i cant wait to be a mummy to someone.

Im quite glad this feeling is back as it was suppressed for a long while by fear and grief. Its kinda another milestone through the grief process i guess, go me.

Im managing much better with the restrictions this cycle, as i KNOW i have an issue with lining so need to do all i can to help it along. Its so much easier when i know why i am doing something!!

Im having a few anxious flutters regarding the number that may implant but im trying to remind myself to take it one day at a time, we’re not there yet.

Im also getting excited butterflies about going back to Cyprus, cant wait for lovely weather, to see the team and to get my babies back where they belong. I wanna join the baby club!!!

IVF is ALL i can think about at the moment. Im so excited to get started….so where are we at?

Bloods came back last Wednesday. My AMH in October 2014 was 59.5 and now its 23.6. I was really shocked at the massive drop until i did a bit of digging and found the contraceptive pill can alter these levels. I dont believe that half my eggs have gone in the last 18 months. I sent them to TM straight away, and by Friday i had my protocol.

It looks like this…

One of the many, many reasons i love TM, is how very organised they are. As an administrator, this is how i would do things, make it easy as i can so there are no mistakes.

Couple of changes to the protocol…im on higher stims than last time. This i think, is because we have to get my ovaries working again, theyve been ‘off’ since i went on the pill for all intents and purposes so the extra meds should get them active quicker. I wont lie, im anxious about this increase, as this is the dose i was on in UK when i got moderate OHSS. TM, unlike my UK clinic, do flush the meds out with a drip following Egg Collection so im hoping that will stave off the OHSS, and ill also be drinking plenty throughout stims and lots of isotonic stuff post EC. But its a concern of mine.

The other change is the addition of steroids (Prednol), from what im seeing this is just a change to the standard protocol and i havent been given them for a special reason, just another med to help us get, and stay, pregnant.

On Friday, £5.5k left our bank account, £615 on meds, and £5k changed to Euros as the rate FINALLY went up from a poor 1.1 to a kind of OK 1.3 and i didnt want to miss it!!!

On Thursday im booked in for my scratch and ive also reserved my place in the embryoscope, when we get to Cyprus. This is a clever piece of kit that takes photos of the embies, meaning they dont have to be removed from the incubator (which they dont like) and allows the doctors and embryologists, to actually see how they are developing, and whether there has been fragmentation etc, meaning only the best are put back. I feel this is worth the extra cost as we dont seem to make very strong embies, so the less they are messed with, the better. Also, the geek me is super excited to watch my babies develop from the moment of conception, something most people will never have the privilege of seeing, most people probably wouldnt care but to me its fascinating.

Im also wondering if we should bank some sperm? Hubby has no more holiday from work this year, certainly not enough for a full cycle, so just in case it fails (it wont) or i lose before 12 weeks, itd be nice to know we could go again without waiting until 2017. Ill need to look into this more and speak to the clinic too, but its an idea.

My biggest fear at the moment, is the number of babies that implant. Im desperate for twins, but terrified about triplets. If it was 3, we would be looking at making decisions i really dont want to make. Although we have agreed a plan, im worried things will change once in the situation. However, i cant actually do anything about this, so its a worry for another day. Id be gobsmacked if we had 3 strong embies to be fair!!!!

So thats the IVF update! As i said, its all i can think about so apologies to those of you that know me, as its pretty much all i talk about!!

Last weekend we went down ‘south’ to visit some of hubbys family. We had a lovely day, walking beside the beach, then fish n chips (for me) in the pub. Followed by Harry Potter hangman with the kids and Friends, Scene It! with the adults. Im pleased to say i won Friends, id have been so annoyed with myself if i hadnt, i LOVE that show. HP hangman was also brilliant, the kids came up with the most obscure characters they could. They definitely won there, although i did get ‘Kingsley Shacklebolt’ with no letters, so you know, I rock!!!

This weekend my BIL came to stay, its been ages since we had some 1-1 time with him and it was lovely. We had drinks in Manchester, a great meal at Bill’s Restaurant amd then came home in a food coma and watched retro X-Files. It was lovely, chilled and just what we needed.

Im lucky enough to have a 3 day week and then this weekend, i MUST work on the garden. The weeds are dead, i have new plants, i just need to put in the graft now and GET IT DONE!!

Im still incredibly zen and happy. I’ve had a great couple of weeks. I honestly cant remember feeling this well or grounded.

My eating is AMAZING for the first time in a decade (except when i was pregnant) and that really is all the proof i need to know im well. Im even gaining weight!!!! Im tracking my calorie intake to ensure im eating above what i need and to be honest, im smashing it. Im really very proud of myself. *smug face*

Hubby and i are closer than ever and for the first time in 2 years, we can look to the future, without being full of fear. In fact yesterday we had a coffee (decaff for me) and were happily chatting about when we will adopt after having our child. Because we will have our own child. This next cycle WILL work. Im desperately hoping for twins, again, but if we don’t get them, perhaps we can adopt twins?!

Its nice to have silly dreams like this again, to be so positive, strong and ready for whatever is in front of me.

So the IVF update…
Im awaiting on my results from the hidden infections testing but already have hubby’s prescription ready to go when i hear back

Im currently contacting fertility clinics to get my pre-testing done. Now my go-to clinic is booked, normally I’d panic, but the new me has just sent out feelers and i know it’ll come good. Even though there’s only 2 weeks to go. It’ll be fine!

1. Trans-vaginal Antral Follicle Count (to count the number of follicles in each ovary)

I also want the scratch done on day 21 of my cycle, this has been proven to improve implantation rates (hoping for two!)

Other than that, flights and accommodation is booked and paid for and the money is saved so there’s no more to do just now.

Yesterday was the 1st day of spring, and what a nice day it was, certainly put a spring in my step! It reminded me that i must get cracking on the garden as i wont want be be digging about when in my 2 week wait or pregnancy really.

I also decided yesterday to take off Milo’s ring. Hubby has removed his and to be honest, its the excuse i need to remove mine. Hubby treated me to 2 gorgeous replacements

I feel better for it. I love my sparkles and these are much more ‘me’.

Im not at counselling today, or next week! Why? Because im doing so well!! I’ve worked my backside off in my sessions and its paid off. Im at ‘acceptance’ in the grief cycle. Its a massive deal because, finally, i see light at the end of the tunnel, i don’t hate myself anymore, and im the positive person i want to be again.

I just cant stop smiling reading this back. I so love writing happy posts.

Like this:

Hello from Perth airport! We are about to embark on the long journey back to the UK. We had an amazing 2 weeks but we are looking forward to being home with the fur babies.

Being away gave both Me and Mr Me time to think, digest and refresh.

You may remember that my anxiety was at an all time high, and that continued for about 3 days after arriving but im happy to report im now down to a 3, which for me and my busy head, is about normal.

I was feeling as though me and Mr Me had drifted apart, something of my own doing, or rather the anxiety made me feel that way. I felt lost at sea, alone and unsure where to turn. We are back!!!!! Its us against the world, i feel steady and ready (and excited) to tackle our future endeavours.

Australia was on our list for possible places to live in the future. Having been here we have realised its not for us. Perth is very very laid back, and pretty small when compared to Manchester, UK. I missed the convenience of having everything on our doorstep. I never thought id say this but i also didnt like being that far away from home and family. Its amazing place to visit though and i will miss the well mannered people and awesome transport system!! Not to mention the weather.

It was AMAZING to see L, she is so happy, settled and relaxed. Perth suits her down to the ground and she has landed herself an amazing job and has a wonderful support system. Its hard to believe i wont see her tonight, having a drink in our favourite bar and we will definitley come back again to see her. Shes already picked up an Australian twang and has adopted a lot of their word use. I spent a long time reminding her how we Brits say the word ‘no’ but to no avail!!! Love you L xxx

Being away always gives us chance to reflect, however the last 2 holidays have been out of necessity to allow us to grieve so reflecting had a sad twinge to it. Not this time! We realised how happy we both are with our lives at home.

Now for the best news…..i found Little Miss PMA!! She had apparantly flitted off to Australia, however i have her firmly by the hand now and wont be letting go.

We are FINALLY excited to go for IVF in May, not only excited, but confident that this time next year we will have our precious take home baby. Im itching to get going, luckily i have things i can be doing each month that will bring us closer to our trip, hidden infections testing, pre testing, endo scratch being a few examples.

We both want to get going, we no longer dread the idea of pregnancy. Yeah it wont all be rainbows and unicorns but this is our time. This is our time, this is our time down here!!!

Like this:

So since i left you last, i was battling anxiety in the extreme, but thought i was winning. I wasnt.

It came to light last Wednesday that my anxiety was too much to deal with and be at work, so after a good chat, a lot of honesty and some well needed home truths, ive been off work since Thursday and wont be going back until after my holiday.

It gives me 4 weeks to get myself to a more stable playing field. At first i was really upset, that after 6 months at work i was having another month off, but the more i think about it, the angrier i become.

How dare anxiety ruin my life like it has! Change me like it has! Who the hell does it think it is????!!!!! I know im going through the grieving process ass backwards but this will not stand. I wont let this affect my life any more. Im in control,not anxiety.

The anger is good, it helps me fight. I dont want to be the person thats doing ‘alright considering’, i just want to be ‘alright’. I will not let this affect my work life or my home life any more. Im stronger than this, im more positive than this and i will beat it, come what may.

The week off came exactly at the right time, i knew i was holding on by my fingertips but the added pressure of preparing for Australia, basically flattened me. Since being away, ive felt calmer, anxiety at maybe an 8 and no full blown attacks. I didnt want to admit how bad it had gotten and im so grateful for the chat and the way things were positioned to me.

Im determined now, to come back fighting. Im not saying ill be 100% by the time i return to work, but i will be stronger. I will be in control amd i will be more patient and pleasant!!!

When we get back from our holiday, its the countdown to IVF, and you know what? Im feeling good about it. I can actually start doing something, whether it be the greek hidden infections/sperm improvement protocol, or getting the tests required for protocol.

Im looking forward to Cyprus, the lady who owns my villa has made things so easy and the team are so welcoming. Im even pretty confident that this WILL be our time (although im still whispering that bit for now).

For now, im just working on getting me back, but im feeling good about it!!!

Firstly i just want to say to the people of Beirut, Japan, Paris, Mexico and Baghdad, my thoughts are with you. They have each suffered at the hand of mother nature or terrorism and we must remember them all, not just those covered in the press.

Anyway, so where i have been? I wish id been off living life to fullest and having great adventures, there have been some, but the main reason for my absence is, depression.

The last 2 weeks have been rough, I’ve not really found pleasure in anything (with a few exceptions, one being the family party), I’ve not wanted to get out of bed, i couldn’t see the point in anything. Its was just darkness, with no glimpse of light, and it felt heavy, like i was walking around with a ton of bricks on me. Ive been exhausted, mentally and physically, mostly because I’ve not let up since my return to work. In fact this weekend is the first since August we haven’t done anything, we just stayed in and watched the Avenger movies and it was fantastic! Ive been keeping busy in order to keep the bad thoughts at bay, if I’m busy, I cant think, cant wallow and cant go too into myself. Its worked to a point but we really are tired and so I must create a balance.

Despite feeling utterly terrible I, of course, did get up and go to work, smile and carry on, but it was hard, much harder than before. I upped my meds for a couple of weeks but i didn’t feel any better so I’ve lowered them again and i think I’m out if the worst of it. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t feel better or fixed, but getting out of bed isn’t such a chore anymore.

One of the things i got a lot of pleasure out of was the family party in early November. It was great to see so many people i now recognise and know the name of (hehe 😀) plus i met some of the Bristol cousins, turns out we all Friends (The TV show) mad, so lots in common and a tournament of Friends ‘Scene It’ is to be arranged.

I enjoy these family gatherings as coming from a small family its not something I’ve experienced. To see so many family members laughing and joking and genuinely enjoying being together is lovely. At both the wedding and the party, I’ve just stopped and watched for a minute, its a beautiful sight. It also made me think how fertile that side of the family is, poor Mr Me really did get the short straw. Luckily we have science on our side!!

We have also been to dinner with friends and played mini golf with other friends, both of which were lovely and a great distraction from my miserable self. I hate being miserable, its boring and hard, no fun at all and i wish i could just shake it off, sadly not how depression works.

My bestie L has been gone for 3 weeks now. I do really miss her but as we mostly text etc I’m getting it easy compared to her family, that being said, i cant wait to see her, and I’m keeping touch with the family as much as possible. 86 days to go!!!

There is something I want to talk about in this blog. There is a habit i have, something I’ve been doing for years, but in recent months has become much worse. I call it negative spiralling.

It used to happen just before i fell asleep, id remember something from that day or a week ago, or a month ago, or a year ago, a situation, a conversation, and i would replay it in my head and add consequences, they are always negative, it never ends well.

Recently its been happening throughout the day too and has gotten much worse, in that i do it more often and the consequences are now much worse.

For example, i was thinking about Cyprus and IVF the other day and this is how it went…

Got to Cyprus fine

Treatment went well

Came home and got a BFP

Pregnancy actually went smoothly, so far positive right? Wait for it…

Went into labour and as part of my labouring process i pushed against Mr Me’s chest.

Baby was born, breathing, healthy, all good

Mr Me at this point drops to the floor, he’s taken off for investigation

Im told he needs emergency surgery on his heart as me pushing against him caused him to bruise (he has a blood condition whereby he bruises easily and his platelets are too large so they breakdown fast and he can re-bleed into the bruise) and there is now blood round the heart constricting it.

Mr Me dies in surgery. Im a single parent.

4 weeks later my baby dies of SIDS

I even worked out how much money would be owed to me and whether it was enough to live on before remembering there would be nothing to live for. Boom, Game Over.

Although that spiral has some of the worst outcomes, it started pretty positive, most don’t, for example…

I had a rash recently and was convinced id killed a 12 week old baby plus all the people that live in one of the places i work. It turns out it was just a symptom of my chest infection but i spent the night feeling responsible for 80 plus deaths. I didn’t know what this rash was but i convinced myself it was contagious and dangerous.

That sort of thing now happens daily. Its hard feeling responsible for something that hasn’t even happened and its added to my anxiety, i can tell you.

One of the worst things about depression can be the paranoia that comes with it. These negative spirals are born of paranoia. My confidence at work is at all time low, I’m convinced if i make even one mistake, do or say the wrong thing, ill be disciplined or sacked on the spot. Its hard living like this day to day, people see me as crabby or irritable but really I’m just trying to deal with all the pressure and consequences i have put on myself and mostly i think i hide it really quite well. Theres only been one occasion at work where it got to me and i couldn’t take it and had to get out for a while and then have a rant to my manager!

Random change of subject but quite a big deal…Last night i took the plunge and booked flights and accommodation for Cyprus in May. Not because i felt ready, not because I’m excited, but because prices were going up and i wasn’t going to miss a good deal!!!
I also paid the deposit for my treatment.

Turns out the villa owner is a sweetheart and when i told her the reason for our trip she told me she had 2 other couples that had been for same reason and they each had babies, she now has everything crossed too, which is amazing given we have only spoken on the phone for 25 minutes. So we are definitely going in May for 10 days. 6 months to find some PMA and the strength to get through a pregnancy without going totally mad.

I am very lucky in that respect though, i have an army of support, whether it be fellow bloggers, users on babycentre or friends and family in real life. I KNOW this little army of support will be there on my bad days to pick me up, remind me to take it one day at a time and tell me so far so good. They will celebrate with me, comfort me and make me laugh when i need it most, and honestly, i think its the only way ill get through it. These people have no idea how grateful i am for their support now and how they are the only way ill get through a pregnancy. This future baby has no idea how many aunts and uncles it will have. Whats that saying about it taking a village to raise a child? well it’ll take a village to get my baby born!!!!

So whats next? Well our trip to Disneyland Paris is in 11 days. Despite the appalling events over the weekend, we are still going. I will not give into terror, its what they want, and the best way to show it isn’t working? In my humble opinion it is to carry on, mourn our losses but not to be scared to live our lives. Im looking forward to a weekend of being silly and child like and i hope we have 3 days of pleasure with no worrying about IVF, no anxiety, no misery. Having said that, my anxiety has gotten to me already and I’m convinced we will miss the train to France, we have booked earlier train tickets to London to give us 17 minutes extra but until I’m on that train, ill be an anxious mess.

Firstly, i want to say a huge thank you for those of you that reposted/reblogged or lit a candle on the 15th October for Babyloss Awareness. I was touched that so many of you got involved, even if you hadnt lost a child. I was so proud, i really felt like id achieved something within my little circle. So thank you, it meant so much to me.

I havent posted recently as not much is happening in all honesty. Hubby and i continue to keep busy, enjoying the year of Me and Mr Me.

Over the last few days, theres been a undercurrent. Im struggling to fake it to myself. The general public would have no idea as i can still put on this bright and breezy manner as and when required. When im alone however, im struggling to see the point in anything, getting up, breathing, putting one foot in front of another.

Sometimes my fake it til i make it attitude isnt always a good idea. Because i look OK, because i smile and say im fine, because i dont weep and wail all the time, people FORGET. They forget that im suffering with depression, they forget im trying to grieve for 2 children, they forget that my latest loss was only 7 months ago (to the day as it happens) and when people forget, they wonder why youre not happy go lucky ALL the time, why some days its hard to smile and pretend its all OK, why some days my demeanour isnt as it usually is. And they have no idea why, none at all. And i just want to shake them and scream ‘ive lost 2 babies in 54 weeks, ive been through so much IVF its unbelievable, im not OK i just say i am to make it easier on YOU!’

But i dont, i dont put it on anyone, i dont let them see how hard it is.

Today, im really struggling. Everything seems too much effort and i just want to hide in a hole. I dont want to go to work this week, i want to wallow.

Nothing has really triggered this low episode, just a number of things are going on around me. My bestie left for Australia via Singapore today. Im so so proud of her for knowing what she wants and just going for it. Ive known for months today would be the day, but i, like her family, have been in denial. I still think she will back in 2 weeks, that shes just on her holidays, but shes not. We will text and Skype a lot so ill barely notice shes on the other side of the world, until i visit in February. I will miss her though, shes been my rock.

Her leaving and setting out on this new adventure has brought home how much i feel trapped. I cant just leave, i have responsibilities and thats fine, its the life i wanted and im very happy day to day, but part of me wants to change it up in a big way. I did have my hair done…
And i like it, but it doesnt seem crazy enough.

Another factor im finding hard, is Christmas. Its not my favourite time of year and the reason for this? I’m childless.

Christmas IS for kids, the magic in their eyes, the twinkle of lights, the christmas songs, the excitement, meeting Santa, leaving a carrot for Rudolph, christmas movies. Its ALL for kids. Christmas as an adult is expensive, stressful, takes a mass amount of planning and is over in 24hrs. Its shit. End of.

Every year for the past 7 years, weve said, next Christmas will be different. It isnt. The difference this year is i won’t be pregnant. I can have a drink and eat all the Patè i want. Itll still be shit. My one shining beacon is M. She has invited us round on the 28th to have xmas with her, her hubby and baby O. At least ill get to spend one day seeing xmas through a babys eyes, hes already fascinated by twinkling lights and as his Mum is xmas mad, the house will be like a grotto im sure. And although this should be my worst nightmare, having a proper xmas with a child will be more tolerable than anything else ive got planned. Itll be baby O’s day and itll be how it should be. Hubby and I don’t even decorate anymore, whats the point? Ok the cats like the baubles, but they are 8 now and sleep more, they wouldnt be bothered to even pull them off!

I know i seem a bit Scrooge McDuck about this, but its so so hard at this time of the year, especially as many of my friends will be celebrating baby’s 1st xmas this year, except me. I have managed to book time off from work over xmas this year, for the first time in many years and right now i want to book a flight away from 29th to the 2nd. I want to run away, i dont want to face this, i dont want to be strong and smile and make sure everyone else is OK, i want to sulk and be completely inappropriate and be melancholy.

Im also struggling with the passage of time. It simultaneously seems to have ground to a halt whilst also going faster than light. The things im looking forward to, Disneyland, family party, Australia, all seem forever away, whereas IVF in Cyprus in May seems just around the corner.

I know this tends to be the norm when you are looking forward to or dreading something, it just seems hugely heightened at the moment.

Today has been hard, harder than its been in a while. Im still in a funk now with no way out in sight, so im going to stare blankly at the tele until bed time.

Like this:

As you may recall, we decided to make the year off TTC (trying to conceive), the year of Me and Mr Me. Its taken a fair few months to become truly comfortable with this idea but over the last 6 weeks, I’m thinking less about TTC, IVF, Pregnancy etc and more about how we can live for now.This weekend we went to a family wedding, it was spectacular and we were able to reconnect with family we haven’t seen in years. It was truly a wonderful day and so fantastic to see family all getting along together so well. It was a privilege to be a part of it.

The best man composed a video as part of his speech, lots of photos set to music. Im usually quite hard faced about these things but the combination of watching one of hubby’s cousins moving to be with her daddy whilst she watched this emotional video, combined with hundreds of photos of family, including the bride and grooms growing family, really touched me.

I looked at that cousin moving to her daddy and i wanted that for my hubby. I saw this family growing together and enjoying every moment with their children, grandchildren, niece, what have you and i thought ‘i want that’ and the tears flowed. Luckily most of the room was blubbing too as it was so very well done. I did have words with the best man, in jest, about how i don’t cry for anyone!

We have vowed to make sure we all keep in touch more, starting with a family party next month, I’m so excited to see everyone again, we had such a wonderfully funny time together!!

I’ve just completed my 1st cycle of the pill and i think having that control has allowed me to let go a little of the baby related stuff. Im still acutely aware that May isn’t far off and of the number of things i need to do before heading to Cyprus but they are firmly at the back of my mind for now, whilst i concentrate on living in the moment. I know its a little weird for someone with a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally, who has been trying for 7 years and been through loads of IVF to do, go on the pill i mean. Personally i think it quite weak of me, I’m too weak to face the idea of another pregnancy just now and i wish i were stronger, braver, everything everyone tells me i am but I’m not and i just needed something to give me peace of mind. Its worked so ill stick with it for now.

This weekend and the months leading up to it have made me realise how on hold our lives have been. We’ve spent 6 years planning/hoping for a pregnancy, or to be in treatment, or to be giving birth. And well, lets face it, nothing has worked out so far, so sod it. We are living for us until April next year, doing whatever, whenever.

With that in mind, I’m so so excited, as I’ve booked a weekend away at Disneyland Paris for our wedding anniversary. Its something I’ve wanted to do for years but always felt it was something we should wait for a baby before doing! However seeing the new DLP advert for grown ups coupled with my new attitude made me go for it.

Normally id find spending that much money too much of an indulgence, selfish really, but I’m challenging myself on this more and more. Sadly we don’t have kids to pay for, plan for, etc and so why not do the things now we wont be able to do for a few years.

Im sick of saying “when we have baby we can do xyz”, i need to live a little, let my hair down and remember there is more to life than just TTC and IVF.

Its quite a liberating feeling, although I’m sure ill suffer expense guilt when I’m trying to sleep. Ah well, can always make more money, memories are priceless. We are staying in a Disney hotel and everything, I’m just like a child, already super excited! Poor hubby come the actual day, ill be bouncing off the walls!

This week is babyloss awareness week and i know I’ve already posted so much on the subject but its something that means a hell of a lot to me. It gives people the opportunity to talk candidly about pregnancy and infant loss, in which ever form it may have happened – miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, still birth, pre term labour and so on. Its a week dedicated to all those lost children, those perfect souls taken too soon. This is soo soo important to me, we need to talk about this, to break the taboo.

So once again, i urge you to repost, reblog, retweet, share and talk about this blog. Not just this week, but whenever the feeling takes you. If you read something you like, if i strike a chord, if i say something you think may help someone else, share this. I want my story to be known, to offer hope to others, to show the world there is life after bereavement, infertility and all the struggles associated with that, but I also want it know that it is a struggle, its isolating and its kept too quiet.

Like this:

its been a while. Long story short, ive been exhausted since my return to work and my Monday’s have been busy.

Let me explain…

My first week back at work was lovely, people made a fuss but didnt ask too many questions and now, 3 weeks down, i feel like ive never been away, which is fantastic. Im still tired but hopefully in the next couple of weeks, that will right itself. Non colleagues have asked how the baby is, lets face it, i was big enough to be full term, but ive handled it ok, told the truth, to be honest its still water off a ducks back.

So bank holiday weekend we went to Creamfields, we love dance music, but camping isnt really my thing, but they were free tickets, so off we went, and had a lovely time!

A few pictures from Creamfields, should have taken some of the sets, but i was too busy enjoying them!!! I love my glittery face paint and my sparkly head-dress, shame it was a bit chilly and had to wear my cardigan!!

The pregnancy scare was ongoing and ended up with doing a test. Negative. Phew! Now normally, seeing a BFN (big fat negative) makes me a little sad, but not this time, im just not in the right head space, nor is hubby. So we are officially off the trying to conceive train, for real this time, no secretly checking my app for my fertile time, no monitoring my body for signs of ovulation, nothing. Its like a weight has been lifted, i can actually enjoy the year off now, and we are doing our upmost to make sure we do.

Last week was hubbys birthday, so we popped out to the cinema. He loves it but i dont see the point of paying £11 to sit in a dark room, so it was a treat that i came along. We saw Jurassic World. Its not a good film to be honest, so we came home and watched World War Z, much better!!

We also went out for dinner on his actual birthday, to the restaurant we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary at…

We had pretty cocktails and yummy steak. Now im usually a ‘well done’ sorta girl but this was a steak restaurant and my cut, sirloin, was recommended to be done to ‘medium’ so i took the plunge, and, OH MY GOD!! Im now a convert, ive been eating steak all wrong, sorry cows!

It was a lovely meal and so nice to be together and happy, and just enjoying ourselves.

We also upgraded the car. Less to pay each month, lower insurance but same car with a new plate and an awesome colour….

I love her! But we havent thought of a name yet, if you have one, please comment below, id love your input!

Onto counselling, well it took 2 weeks for my book to arrive, and it was hubbys birthday, so needless to say i didnt read it, i should really be reading it now, but here i am blogging instead! Im a bit apprehensive as im really not sure if ill get on board with being selfish to be happy. If thats what the book is about. Ive no idea. I really should give it a flick through!

Last week, my counsellor informed me that im great at telling a story and weaving an intricate tapestry, but we are no further forward when it comes to how i feel about things. So we will be following a new strucutre whereby ill be stopped more, asked how the event made me feel, how i would deal with it in the future and how i feel about it now. I have a feeling im going to find this tough as im still quite numb when it comes to the losses. I can be angry and upset over other things but when it comes to the babies, especially Millie, theres still nothing there to speak of.

Day to day, im doing fine, my eating seems to be getting better, which im surprised by but ever so grateful for. I did get a bit of a shock yesterday. Facebook memories showed me a post from a year a go. It was the 6 month anniversary of losing Milo, now 18 months. I cannot believe how much has happened in such a short space of time…a failed FET attempt, booking and planning Cyprus, cycling in Cyprus, the BFP (big fat positive), the scare at 12 weeks, the NIFTY test saga, the relief at 20 weeks and then, another loss. Yet it seems like yesterday i was told he had HLHS and i had to make the hardest decision of my life. Time really is a funny concept.

So thats me, all caught up and hoping to not leave it as long next time.

Like this:

Phew! I’ve had a busy week.I realised last week I’m bored, I’ve watched everything on Netflix and Sky Box Sets, I’m ready to be part of a group again. My mind is no longer a jumbled mess, i can think clearly, my meds have stabilised. Essentially, i feel like me again and I’m ready to go back into the world, and work, which is good as i start tomorrow!
Im so looking forward to seeing all my friends at work, catching up on the gossip, feeling like I’m contributing. Im not nervous or worried as i have amazing colleagues who have been and will continue to be wonderful with me.

Last weekend, we had a change in fortune, meaning IVF is covered. It threw up some weird emotions for me. On the one hand, having the funds available makes me want to jump on a plane and start treatment, but on the other hand, I’m so scared of pregnancy…

Case and point, we had a bit of a scare at the end of last week. I usually have a 17 day leutal phase, on day 12 following ovulation, i began spotting, this never happens, except when I’m pregnant. I have never felt fear and dread like it. I am SO NOT ready to be pregnant yet. As it turns out, i was just coming on, 5 days early. First ever 25 day cycle, but i was due a weird one after losing Millie, so I’m not concerned. It brought home why i had decided to have a year off and has confirmed for me, that it is definitely the right thing to do. So April/May it is.

In order to have something to look forward to and plan for, i booked plane tickets for Australia in February. Im so looking forward to it. Not only will i see my bestie who i wont have seen in person for 4 months, but we are ticking off a bucket list wish.

Ive been doing some reading and apparently kangaroos sometimes sunbathe on quiet beaches, so I’m on the hunt (not literally)! I also want to see a koala and visit the pink lake. I may also pop to Sydney for a couple of days too, but we will see. Its going to be a trip of a lifetime for me and hubby and I’m so glad we have the opportunity. Plus it ties in wonderfully with my year off to do what we want philosophy.

I got the new Samsung S6 Edge phone a few weeks ago and entered a competition to win tickets for Creamfields (a music festival in Cheshire). I only bloody won, hospitality tickets too, so thats our bank holiday weekend taken care of. Im not one for camping normally but we get ‘proper’ toilets and hot showers so it’ll be a little nicer than standard, plus id be daft to throw away a £600 prize!

I also got to meet M’s baby. After a long labour he finally arrived a week last Friday and he is perfect. Im so fascinated by him, he’s the first IVF baby I’ve met in real life, and I’m astounded he started life in a petri dish, and now he’s here, a perfect little person. It has given me hope that IVF can result in a live baby, and despite my fears, i really do want to try again, in time! Plus i bought him some cute trousers i couldn’t wait to show M, who has very kindly been sending me daily pictures of the little man. ‘Outfit of the Day’ we call them! It was wonderful to see her and her hubby, now a proud little family, the stuff dreams are made of!

Hubby and I had a date night, my homework from counselling, we needed to reconnect i think, and it was lovely. I even ate 2 courses with ease! It was my favourite restaurant though. It was lovely to get dressed up and spend some time together. Plus we had our 1st Uber ride and I’m impressed, sad i know but i love new tech!

My homework this week is to read the Dali Lama’s ‘The Art of Happiness’ as i need to work on putting myself first and being a bit more selfish, i have to be honest, I’m not sure i can change the last 16 years but I’m prepared to work on it, and hard!

So overall, I’m feeling great, I’m looking forward to getting back to work and I’m still finding the counselling helpful, plus its Creamfields at the weekend!!!