Tuesday, September 09, 2008

According to my calculations, I've discovered that I need to win just one more Tour de Farce to respectfully get critics to replace the "Pharm" in my last name to "Arm".

Due to brain lag associated with being a champion at the highest levels, I didn't come up with this bright idea three years ago prior to retirement.

Fans, I've made up my mind. I'm going from toning to Pro Pele-toning.

Yep, you heard right.

No more brazen, barren-chested midday tonings with unreliable stoners.

No more babysitting the anorexic Olsens. And no more sitting in my office with nothing to do but write boring speeches for people I dont plan on spending more than a minute with.

My quest to bring some degree of excitement into my life is as human as any of your daily needs are, such as trying to be me on a weekend-warrior basis. (Who're you kidding, pal? I rescued my balls AND won the Tour seven times, what did you do??)

After a conference room discussion with lengthy exchanges of words asking for permission with my umpteen ex-wives, and after getting the Catholic blessings of my favorite ex-wife (I can never miss that!), I have got the official green light to kickstart another "program" in order to get in shape.

As an added bonus, my favorite person - G.W over at Washington - has advised me over the phone to do whatever the hell I've got to do to finish unfinished business. He remarked that just in case the French get overly combative, he'll be the one this time giving "The Look" as he fakes another WMD possibility through one of his podcasts and orders the invasion of France.

Now you already know that I love to win everything I get my hands on. Even if its the pillowfights I have religiously every morning with my kids, failure is NOT an option.

So I told my management team - "Make me number 1 in everything on the calender - from the tingly Boston and NYC Marathons, and the recovery Leadville 100....to the super easy Transhimalayan-IndoChinese-Tibeto-Taliban-Border 1000-Mile-Speed-Walking-Challenge-In Under-24-Hours...yes, do it.."

Apparently, a crucial miscalculation on their part also put me on the number 1 spot for city water consumption.

But my relentless aqua binge drinking, long showers after heavy intense exercise, watering acres and acres of nothing but grass at the ranch, vaccuming tons of dirt out of the local creek as per city demands, and other stupid idiosyncrasies of mine underwater have finally taken their toll.

Bicycling magazines no longer want me with the fervor they all had 3 years ago. Divorce settlements and other dowry payments are in peak form. Jet fuel prices are soaring. And teams of people and lawyers are suing me perennially. The A-holes are everywhere - left, right and center!

Sigh. I'll say it like a man.

I've got bills to pay.

Hence, my strategic move to Aspen, CO where my team has discovered that water is cheaper.

In addition, it is also needless in me mentioning to you that I'm growing increasingly tired of spending my time picking petals, trying to make up my mind in what to break a belief defying record in next - will it be running, or speed skating.... speed skating or ice hockey...?

Keeping in mind that Johann is ever so lusting after me for another shot at yellow, and the fact that I've obtained enough training riding away fast from four life threatening blondes (who were a colossal waste of time....Jesus!)...., I hereby to you declare that I'm physically and mentally capable of handling the stresses of another 21 stages of the Tour.

I can do this.

'Coz I'm Lance.

Some of the top guys in the peleton right now are shining too much and I feel Contador has had his share of the glory. It is in the best interests of America that I go there pretty soon and whoop some ass without abandon.

And boy, will that be a clean sweep!

While I won't necessarily be successful in trying to handle the French raping my attempts to ride again, my management team is putting together a website, called let me ride.com.

All you have to do is waste your precious time, substitute "let me" with Lance, type it in, give it a click, and you're good to go register your vote.

In conjunction with my comeback, my LiveWrong Foundation will be releasing new urine colored Limited Edition wrist bands custom made to accomodate all the wrist fractures you have sustained from falling off your bikes.

See for yourself :

Some attractive features are that it is made in China using the latest in labor cost saving technology and in order to save weight, its synthetic rubber edges have been specially CNC machined for that glossy finish typical of my bands.

'Rong, I'm Back!' serves two purposes - not only for me as a rider coming back to Pro-peletoning, but also for you cancer survivors, who can raise a finger proudly to those devils who said you would have no chance and that you'd be dead by now.

And Limited Edition? Just incase this whole scheme doesn't pull through and I can't race, I won't be disgraced...

So friends, hurry while stocks last and go upgrade your wrists with a new found excitement!

Every dollar earned from proceedings will go towards not only helping me recover from the boredom of not winning anything since this morning's pillowfight with the kids just a few minutes ago, but also towards writing two more books about my return to pro-peletoning, two hundred new episodes with Discovery Channel postulating the science behind out-of-retirement athletics and five hundred new posters of me standing with Johann Bruno-eel....doing nothing in particular.

So once again fans, please support me in my bid to ride in another Tour de Farce... Its the only 100% real, pure, fine, filtered and unadulterated cycling race you should be watching on OLN (Only Lance Network). And to all you motorists out there in Aspen, the Rockies and Solvang....please don't run me over and impale me as I train meticulously on the curvy sections.

25 comments:

I still can't understand how on earth his return to racing will do anything for the "global" cancer initiative. How will his winning another Tour have do anything with improving funding for cancer research in other countries??? How will that involve governments and agencies and health organizations and the millions suffering out there, many of them still below the poverty line?

Lance has always been adding fire to his larger than life ego, he just can't wait to get out there and race just so that he can improve his doping image. I don't see how he can remove the tarnish associated with the past year's controversies by winning "another" tour. And he's not getting any money for this??? Yeah right...

I see a lot of holes and hidden reasons behind his coming back. I'm glad you took a step and pointed at his water bill...no but seriously, I agree he's got issues.

Well said. While I admire the man for what he has done for cancer and what he did on the bike a few years ago, I think he's just hijacking the "cancer" reason for blatant self-promotion. This is nothing but a publicity stunt. I can't imagine pro racing taken up by another drama like this, when its just recovering from all the doping scandals. Pro cycling is done with Lance, and he shouldn't come back. Its going to make a lot of people sick.

agree with Anon. too much hallaballoo about Lance. somethings are best kept cherished and remembered, even if controversial. will lance lose the flair like cipo did. im scared that'll happen. its like saying merckx is going to drag himself into racing again after all these years. dont see any connection between global cancer and his jump into pro racing. if anything, he should be more devoted to that cause and focus on it as a single aspect than saying that he's going to return to racing again to do something for cancer. racing is pretty time consuming. im not sure how he'll handle all of this. but whatever, he's lance and he can do whatever he wants. i just dont give a shit...i'll keep riding my bike regardless of whether he races or not.

Great post, Ron. Although the news has electrified the US cycling community (I think the guys at Trek will be especially happy), I am thinking that here we have yet another athlete who just can't stay away but instead will come back to tarnish their reputation: Michael Jordan, Mohammed Ali, Mario Cippolini, Brett Favre, Mike Tyson, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jim Palmer, Bjorn Borg. On the other hand, a few others (Martina Navratilova in doubles tenns, the ageless George Forman) have done well enough. If Armstrong wins the Tour an eighth time, I do do not see how it adds to his reputation's lustre; on the other hand, if it fizzles and he cannot produce he will look foolish. I wonder what Alberto Contador (not to mention Levi Leipheimer) thinks about this.

Like idiots, we will chant the Lance comeback song, while he and his band of managers, nike, oakley, trek all rake in the millions. Lance coming back is doing nothing for cycling. For his millions of die hard fans around the world, if you miss him that much just plug in a DVD from the past and watch the dope ridden Tours. We are doing very well without you Lance, thank you very much. Please go away.

Cut the pessimism out. We'll wait and see if Lance can achieve what he sets out to do. If there's anyone more under pressure to show something to the world, its him and only he has gotten himself into it. No turning back now.

if someone like him wants to race, he has all rights too. that decision wont leave everyone happy. not everyone can be a leader yet sports freak like him and still do very good. however, lance's biggest problem is his inability to lose hold of grudges. he's stubborn and still wants to get his point across. he cares too much about himself and what others think of him. if you ask me, he needs to sit with a psychologist or something and sort things out.

But, umm, water in Texas is essentially free, while water in Colorado is very tightly regulated and controlled. That 230,000 gallon volume of water would have represented a fair percentage of Aspen's senior water rights.

Sure, Lance has his issues... but you can't discount what he has done for the fight against cancer. All due respect Ron... but it's hard for me to enjoy the parody and complaints about him coming out of retirement.But I'll deal with it because if more exposure on the professional circuit helps advance the fight even just a little bit more... I'm all for it! My grandmother died of cancer, my mom and dad were both diagnosed last year and our good friends lost their 9 month old baby girl. So... I welcome anyone, especially Lance Armstrong, to help this cause. I find it hard to believe that anybody who's had a close connection to cancer is sick of Lance.

Don : Sorry if you weren't happy.Its parody for the sake of parody. ..and also, as puzzling as his decision to come back is, and all the gossip games the media played with us early this week, this post strays away from all the "Oh my god I love Lance he's back!!!" emo stories on the internet to something else for a change!

If you want to call this a poor attempt at being creative, so be it. I know not everyone's going to be happy, just like Lance didnt make everyone happy with his breaking news. Consider it a hit back at him for hitting back at us :)

It is fact that Lance doped. He is a liar and manipulator, and is using his star power to counter sue and intimidate those who speak against him. His cancer program that has attracted so many to him is just a strategic pawn in his goal to hide the secrets of his past. Anyone who studies this man from the other side of the grass, both on the bike and through his troubled personal life, will quickly discover why he shouldn't be the role model for anybody.

agreed that biking is lance's platform for fighting cancer. lance has a chance mountain biking, or going for the hour record for his cancer thing if he wanted. do u seriously think he has no other agenda other than just the cancer crap in coming out of retirement riding pro racing again. seriously we're not fools

...my, my, my...thought you were gonna have a little fun, huh, ron ???...

..."i'll just write a little comedic piece on the latest lance thingy cuz it's kinda interesting & see if anyone responds or even cares to"...

...looks like that 'single serving' size can of worms turned into the 'large family economy' size & now you'll never get all those wriggly little complimentary &/or vitriolic worms back in the can...

...therein lies the fact that if lance chooses to come back to bike racing w/ a decided focus on raising awareness of the fight against cancer he can do just that...what i read into it, is that this time around, there will be an actual program in place in conjunction w/ his efforts on the bike...

...i've heard for a fact that chris carmicheal will be back on board despite his initial attempts to dissuade mr armstrong in the venture...& while, yes there is a huge ego involved, are you 'commenting' naysayers suggesting that lance is not capable of having a purely altruistic motivation ???...

...cancer is the man's "cause celebre" & considering what he's been through, it's a damn good cause at that...

...talk to anyone who's been through a major life threatening medical situation where they've been close to death & you'll find while certain aspects of their life go on as usual, there is a lifelong respect for the positiveness they were given, directly related to their circumstances...

...perhaps that's a long winded way of saying 'people want to give back' & if you're famous (& yes, large ego-ed) you're aware that you can give back more...

...so, kick ass, lance & have at it...i doubt that there is even one of us posting here who's life has not been affected by cancer, one way or another...

Thanks for the comment. One positive out of many negatives. I was wondering when something would come by.

Yes, about 1000 people were reading this post past Wed. I was surprised myself....!

Lance represents something of the idealized. Not many can enjoy his status or what he achieved.

Hence, nothing wrong in creating an idol out of him, worshipping him, making him an inspiration during the last months towards your expiration.

Nothing wrong with being on the other side, not supporting this supposedly ruthless animal who lied, possibly cheated fans and got to where he was today because of several bad decisions.

My role was to highlight this schism, that not all things out there are perfect...that not all things needs to be needlessly chanted about for or praised or overdone by magnitudes in the media... a much needed reality check is needed, not only incase of the lance figure, but also towards several things in society where we live today.

There is nothing stronger than informed opinion, as opposed to blind allegiance.

1. Bringing a controversial athletic past into the present scene of pro cycling which just bounced out of a long period riddled with drug scandals.

2. The 'Lance Armstrong' brand specifically endangers the pro cycling scene which must be a place for up and coming stars.

3. Potential decrease in audience at the Tour or viewership on TV. Not a lot of Europeans liked the Lance phenomena, and they might just get outrageous at the unretirement.

4. Lance will plague Contador's career and may potentially reduce him to a water bottle carrier. Contador is one of the top cyclist's now and to deny him a chance at the Tour in '09 especially when he missed this year's is totally unfair, unreasonable and unrealistic.

5. Ever since Lance retired, he and his team of lawyers relaxed on counter lawsuits against those who accused him of doping. Now he can once again get back in that game if required and make tons of money too.

6. We'll see more PR based shows, literature and documentaries around Lance that are nothing but wild exagerations based on unreliable facts (for example, Coyle's paper which is disputed now made a lot of money for people initially when it was made into a documentary based off it and it also saved Lance's ass in court, out of which he won some 7.1 million dollars.

Frankly, in lieu of all the things that Lance Armstrong has done with his power and money to manipulate the truth, bend them to his liking and perpetrate a consistent string of lies makes me honestly believe that if circumstances make it necessary, this man could also go as far as getting genetically enhanced to improve performance.

i'm gonna go out on a limb, though not far, and say that none of you know shit about LA. i don't either. what i now is that he kicks ass on the bike and makes racing fun to watch. the rest of it matters not at all, not one dam bit. sit back in your chairs and ride yer carbon jalopies, and keep shooting yer little pie holes, cuz what comes out of them is dogsit, at best.