Friday, November 25, 2016

Panels from Back to the Future: Citizen Brown #2 (June 2016); adapted from the video game story by Bob Gale, Michael Stemmle, Andy Hartzell, and Jonathan Straw; adapted by Bob Gale and Erik Burnnham; script by Erik Burnham; pencils and inks by Alan Robinson; colors by Maria Santrolalla; letters by Shawn Lee

Exactly five years ago today, my very bestest human pals, John and Randi, got married! Hooray! I am all for this getting married thing, because together they are the best and they work really hard to make us have a happy home with lots of love and cookies.

So let's celebrate by showing the time the world's grumpiest man got married! (Note: John is nicer than Jonah.) John and Randi had a wonderful wedding, but it was definitely missing a cameo guest appearance by Stan Lee!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Thanksgiving! It existed in the Wild, Wild West!* And it exists in the far-off future! Is there anything that Thanksgiving can't do? Well, it can't make Jonah Hex happy. Probably because he can't get his jaw in good around a big-ass turkey leg.

By why is the Merc with a Mouth and Some Extra Melted Skin Joining It Together so down on the holly jolly holiday of Thanksgiving? We begin to find out in an extra-sized, extra-bold-panel-bordered flashback sequence, where Kid Jonah Hex discovers the wounded, timelost Rocket Raccoon trapped in a...trap, I guess. Serves him right for being taken in by the bait of a chilled bottle of Boerl & Kroff Brut 2055 Champagne.

Later, the Hex family $151; patriarch Woodson Hex, mother Virginia Britney Hex, and young Jonah Susan Hex settle down to eat a dee-licious Thanksgiving meal, presumably out by the cee-ment pond. Say, what do you think that holiday mystery meat is? Three guesses, and the first two don't count, especially if you guess "Spam" and then "Spam" again.

She's may be just an ordinary housewife/mutant manipulator of reality and time/space, but Wanda Maximoff has got it goin' on. Why, back in the days before she was divorced from her robot husband who went on to have a murderous but critically acclaimed second family, Wanda was the consummate homemaker! In fact, she's made several homes completely from stray atoms of the universe around her! So when she throws a party, she really throws a party! Here's just a few of her handy household hints that'll ensure you a happy Thanksgiving party, and you won't even need to have your origin retconned into an Inhuman! Take it away, Wanda!

1. Make sure you invite all your friends! To put them at ease, remind they don't have to dress up special  just wear everyday clothing! (Geez, Namor, if you're too hot, just let me know and I'll turn down the thermostat!)

2. There will be some guests who it might be difficult to invite! Swallow your pride and ask your dad to come over, even if he disapproves of your husband, has vowed to destroy the entire human race, or if he voted for Trump.

3. For those who came in late, recount everyone's origin! Note: This hint does not apply to the Summers Family Thanksgiving when Cable arrives, or else you'll be there through November 30.

4. Pig out! And don't let Crystal do that thing where she changes the cranberry jelly into cranberry sauce. That's just plain screwed up.

Hey, remember thirty years ago, when the world ended? That thirty years has flown by so fast it feels like the world ended only last week. Anyway, flash-forward four years to a post-apocalypse world of Thanksgiving Day, 1990! When I check the "Today in Regular History" website, it tells me that the strange, mutated people of Thanksgiving 1990 had made "Love Takes Time" by Mariah Carey the #1 hit! Well, you've always got to expect some radioactive horror after the bombs fall.

Panel from "Thanksgiving Day  1990!" in Strange Adventures #132 (September 1961), script by John Broome, pencils and inks by Murphy Anderson, letters by Gaspar Saladino

Wow, that sure is a lot more exciting than my Thanksgiving day, which mainly consists of stuffing myself with stuffing (of the non-stuffed bull variety) and then lying on the couch for the rest of the day burping along to the songs in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. But in the scary atomic world of the future past, just gathering enough food to even survive is a challenge! Why, even Saturn Girl and G.I. Joe's Duke only got seed, sods, fruits and grasses! Say...is corn grass?

Later, the last dregs of humanity have a Thanksgiving picnic! It's all vegetarian (booooo!), because if you remember your basic Atomic Knights mythology, all the animals were mutated into monstrous forms. So not so much any turkey steaming on the table, more like turkeys looming on the horizon ready to stomp your house while gobbling menacingly.

Suddenly, distant relatives you don't care for that much arrive for Thanksgiving dinner! In this case, the interlopers are the armies of Atlantis, and they're brandishing their "8"s at us! Quick, put in the extending leaf and get out the card table for the kids!

So just where did this horde of the Undersea Kingdom come from? If you can trust the ads on the very next page of this here comic book, they came from Rockville Center, New York, and they're monochromatically armed for battle at a low, low price!

No, actually, the Atlantean attackers were blasted from the distant past into their hellish post-nuclear future by the power of the atomic bomb! Golly, is there anything it can't do?!?

SCIENCE!:

Luckily, the Atomic Knights fight right back! Keep in mind these tactics for when your cousins from a mythical land of millennia ago show up and there's not enough green bean casserole!

Panels from Back to the Future: Citizen Brown #2 (June 2016); adapted from the video game story by Bob Gale, Michael Stemmle, Andy Hartzell, and Jonathan Straw; adapted by Bob Gale and Erik Burnnham; script by Erik Burnham; pencils and inks by Alan Robinson; colors by Maria Santrolalla; letters by Shawn Lee

Splash page from "Flee to Your Grave" in the Unexpected #170 (November-December 1975), script by George Kashdan, pencils and inks by Ernie Chan

Yes, Terror from the Macy's Non-Branded, You-Can't-Sue-Us Thanksgiving Day Parade! And it all began the night before in a mad scientist's lab. Seriously, within the pages of DC's horror/chiller comics, what doesn't?

This changes Professor Travers into the amazing Green-and-Purple Monster-Man, star of so many DC comics during the 1970s. Remember All Star Green-and-Purple Monster-Man? Brave and the Bold and the Green-and-Purple Monster-Man?Batman and the Outsiders and also the Green-and-Purple Monster-Man?

Luckily for the Professor's sake, he's able to casually sneak into a Thanksgiving Day Parade amongst the Superman and Batman blimps. Truly, his fame is ballooning! ... Kill me.

At least, until the evil Reese, who did not invent the peanut-butter cup, convinces the police to shoot at the Monster Professor through the giant Superman balloon. Hey cops: helium lives matter!

All's well that ends well with an ironic twist O. Henry would have envied if he had ever written a story about a scientist changed into a giant balloon and cornered in between Warner Bros. licensed characters on the fourth Thursday in November. Truly that tale was indeed one of The Four Million everyday ordinary tales of life in the city.

Welcome to the DC Universe, where, just like us with our parade balloons of Stephen Hawking, Mae Jemison, and Larry Csonka, they celebrate Thanksgiving Day with the likenesses of true-life heroes within their own world! Heroes in shiny, armored costumes who star in popular and successful adventure franchises in film and on television The CW!