Dear Emuna: My Overweight Wife

Help! I no longer find my wife attractive.

My wife has gained weight and I no longer find her attractive. I love her and want to make this work. What should I do?

– Worried about Weight

Dear Worried,

My initial reaction is anger – which I’m sure is the response of most women, except the really skinny ones who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. But they don’t count anyway! I've calmed myself down (those Lamaze techniques have multiple uses) and I will try to answer the question rationally.

First of all, I hope that you and any other men that feel that way are wise enough not to tell your wives! That will definitely cause your marriage serious harm. You should reassure her that she is always beautiful to you. Not only will that help her, it will help you too. If you say it often enough, you may come to remember it and believe it. She is already uncomfortable about (and very aware of) her weight gain. Don’t add to her pain.

Secondly, you said that you love her. Focus on the qualities that endear her to you. This will increase your affection for her and your sense of closeness and lead you to see her in a more attractive light.

Thirdly, our sages recommend that intimacy occur in the dark. This preserves a sense of mystery and excitement and takes the light off (literally) our physical flaws. I’m sure you have some you’d rather she not see, although perhaps she is more forgiving…

Fourthly, it is important to consult a third party – a rabbi, therapist or trusted male friend. Being female, there are limits to my ability to understand your situation. And being a female who struggles with her weight… well we covered that…

And now a word to wives. We have responsibilities too. While we can’t always look our best (pregnancy, nausea, screaming babies, screaming adolescents, screaming singles all take a toll!), we do need to try. We must make an effort to stay in shape. We should try to dress in ways that are flattering and to “spruce up” for our spouses. We may find it easier to cook and deal with babies who are spitting up while wearing a robe or old shirt, but that is not the way to present ourselves to our husbands. We may walk in from work and immediately want to change into our ratty old comfy clothes. That is not the best way to greet our husbands either.

We want them to have eyes for no other women (although not all other women appreciate that!) but we have to help. We have to make our own best effort.

Ultimately, everyone’s best effort resides in prayer. We should ask the Almighty to help reignite the spark and closeness. If He is willing to bend the truth (as he did with Abraham and Sarah) or have His name blotted out (as in the case of adultery) for the sake of peace inthe home, then surely if you sincerely want it and pray for it, He will come to your assistance. Don’t wait too long to ask.

– Emuna

Dear Emuna,

I am a 42 year old Jewish woman with three children – 4, 7, and 10, and a husband of 12 years. I grew up in a home in which I had to do a lot of the housework and where I got yelled at a lot and hit a lot, too. I decided to be nothing like my mother and to raise my kids without chores, and with freedom to relax, watch television, play sports, to be happy, and to know I love them. I play with them every day after work (I'm an accountant with long hours), and I take them to amusement parks, movies, and sports events every weekend except for Shabbat, when I take them to synagogue and to friends and invite their friends to us. You'd think they'd be the one thing I want for them: happy. They are not. They are miserable.

Sure, their happiness comes when everything is perfect (read: exactly as they wanted and not one tiny bit different) but otherwise they are always angry at me, their dad, or at each other. Nothing is good enough, nothing is enough. They are rude and they never, and I mean never, listen to me or their father. Everything, and I mean everything, is an argument and a debate. I take care of their every need. I still dress them all and even carry the ten year old to his bed when he asks (almost every night) and sometimes I have to carry him out of bed to the couch to watch television in the morning so he can wake up on time for school-otherwise he wouldn't get out of bed. All they have to do is yell "Mom, milk! Mom, cake!" and I bring it to them as they watch TV. They don't have to do laundry or make dinner or set or clear the table or even make their beds and if a guest comes over and says to one "You dropped that, why don't you pick it up?" they'll say "Nah, I'd rather not," or ask "Why?" or say "It's the maid's job" and they completely embarrass me. This summer I took them to California for two weeks and to Disney Land and other nearby attractions for five days of the trip. They were angry the entire time. I was miserable. All I wanted was for the kids to be happy and know I love them and to love me. This hasn't been the case. What is wrong with them? What do I do to make them understand how lucky they are and how much they should appreciate me and know I love them? I'm at my wits end and I'm screaming at them almost as much as my mother screamed at me. They don't listen. Nothing works.

– Whole Lotta Love

Dear Doormat Mom,

I’m very sorry but this case requires some tough talking, starting with you. You carry your 10 year-old to bed?! That is not a kindness to him. You are crippling him. Children (and adults) thrive through responsibility. They need discipline. They need structure. They need to believe they can make it on their own. You have been systematically depriving them of that opportunity.

I understand your desire not replicate your own experience. But a sense of obligation, an ability to accept responsibilities and comply with rules must be inculcated in each and every one of us. It is just not necessary to accomplish this through hitting and yelling.

And there is a big difference between a list of age-appropriate chores spread out among your children and a Cinderella-like existence.

One of the ways our children know they are loved is because of the guidelines and parameters we establish for them. It shows we care. The Almighty does the same with us.

Another way is through the demonstration of our belief in their capabilities. They can take care of themselves in many ways and we can help them gain confidence with each progressive step.

I’m sure you love your children. I can hear that you are in tremendous pain. You have lost a lot of ground.

But it’s not too late. You can begin to tell your children, “Because I love you I will not carry you to bed but cheer you on as you walk there yourself.” “Because I love you I will not get you food when you yell for it but teach you when and where you can get if for yourself (not to mention communicating with your mother in an appropriate manner and tone!)”. “Because I love you we will turn off the TV during meal times and sit around the table getting to know each other.” It will be awkward at first but you will get there if you persevere and don’t revert to the old, unsuccessful patterns.

You don’t mention where your husband fits into this scenario. Presumably he has allowed you to run the show. Hopefully he will be at least as supportive of your new more effective and healthier system.

It’s going to seem like tough love at first. But you will get what you want – your kids will ultimately thank you.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 90

(86)
Med,
September 12, 2016 4:44 AM

You missed a very important point

Emuna,
You missed a very important point in answering the man with a fat wife. God admonished men to love and sacrifice for their wives but also for their wives to respect their husbands - not to love them - to respect them. Whether you believe this or not, men desire and need respect from their wives much more and before they desire or need love. And the truth is, that if a husband loathes fat on his wife, she is showing him sincere disrespect by keeping it. I can think of no other more damaging behavior a woman can display within marriage than disrespect. It is as damaging as a man refusing to love and sacrifice for his wife. Too many women forget this and dismiss the issue of their weight thinking, naively, and wrongly, that it is a surface issue when in reality they are trodding clumsily upon the one thing that can end the happiness in their beloved marriage, and possibly become the catalyst that end the marriage altogether. Or is it perhaps, that the disrespectful wife feels she is entitled to demand the man sacrifice his greatest desire for her to respect him by refusing to take care of herself. Maybe that's why so many women think it's ok. Her needs trump his. I hope this is not the case because you get what you give... Pressed down, shaken together and overflowing... My wife let herself get fat. I supported her, I tried to help, I tried to explain what it would do to us and she ignored it all. So here we are. I will never leave her because I will honor my promise... these days, not necessarily because I made it to her, because, these days her fat and her indifference to it quite frankly angers me, but because I made that promise to God, I will keep it. His laws trump her needs. For her lack of respect, she has lost mine. And from a man's perspective, that's as bad as it gets. Consider this.

(85)
Anonymous,
October 23, 2014 4:56 PM

wow!

I am so amazed at how you were able to answer the husband of the overweight wife with such a neutral and effective tone while cautioning the wife not to neglect her responsibilities. Way lto go!!!!!

(84)
Al,
February 28, 2013 6:33 PM

Worried husband reply

Emuna, I can tell that you are overweight. This is the typical fat women response to any man who dares to complain about his wife's weight. I'll start out by saying a.) it is not natural! People these days are completely neglecting their health and getting fatter than we have ever seen in history.Unlike facial deformities this is completely their own fault! B.) Everyone should be allowed to be happy.That means if your spouse is not making you happy you a every right to leave him or her.Your spouse is not even related to you so we should you have to keep her or him around in your life if you are not happy.c.) marriage is really based on sexual attraction.After all, if we weren't attracted to the person,we wouldn't have married them in the first place!
So if you don't realize it already you are just giving men more the reason to cheat on their overweight, ungrateful wives who think for some reason they should be locked in to their misery just because they said "I do" a decade ago.God I hate feminists!

Anonymous,
July 20, 2014 4:29 AM

in sickness and in health for better or worse

well maybe you aren't as attracted, but do you think you are going to be so attractive when you are 85, and did you only marry someone because of their attraction or because you loved them, and if you really loved this person, you would understand it is very hard to lose weight, I gained weight myself after constantly being picked on when I was a hundred pounds less than I am now and I wanted to keep people away from me that only care about how my body looks to them and does not want to care about me as a person

Anonymous,
October 20, 2014 9:14 PM

Are you perfect?

I assume that since you want a perfect wife who never changes, you have not got thinning hair or an expanding waistline. You have always brushed your teeth and used mouthwash. You keep your yourself clean and you treat your wife kindly. You make sure she has household help so she has plenty of time to go to the gym and the tennis club and keep herself in shape. Since you get regular trips to the barber, do you make sure your budget can cover both time and money for her to also make weekly trips to the hairdresser?No???? Well.... Maybe you carry some blame here also... at the very least. And of course, you haven't aged at all. You are always thoughtful and kind and never fail to help around the house or with the children.... No? Are you hampering her efforts or helping? Maybe she would like time to exercise and money to take care of herself but spends all her effort on taking care of the house, the children, keeping a proper Jewish home, etc. Keeping a kosher home is more effort than a non-kosher home. How much do you help in holiday preparation?

Maybe you really prefer a maid and dating to making some poor woman's life as your wife so miserable with all your expectations and demands.

(83)
Moshe Schorr,
February 12, 2013 7:12 AM

Correction

You wrote: "If He is willing to bend the truth (as he did with Abraham and Sarah) or have His name blotted out (as in the case of adultery...) ". I think you meant _suspected_ adultery.

(82)
anon,
November 25, 2012 4:44 PM

Worried Husband

Emuna, sorry, but your response to worried husband is off the mark. When will the frum world get over the myth that looks don't matter. They do, and pretending they don't can make for a lot of problems. The husband is genuine and concerned and is looking for an answer and you get angry with him? Then you tell him that he should lie to her? The one thing you should have told him, but didn't, is that he should make sure his wife gets enough sleep (lack of sleep leads to overweight), time to exercise and treat her to massages. He should also take turns cooking with an emphasis on healthy meals. This is all possible with multiple births and a full time job. His wife has only so many hours in hte day, if he wants her to take care of herself he has to make sure that someone else (either himself of househelp) is pulling some weight around the house. One overlooked reason why women gain weight on marriage, is that single women probably eat less and less fixed meals, and then suddenly every meal is square and fixed. He should also consider whether they as a couple have unhealthy habits, such as eating just before bed, polishing off dinner instead of leaving leftovers, etc. In short, there is plenty to work with here. A more constructive attitude would have been helpful. And yes as a woman, I think that both partners should strive to maintain a reasonable weight for the other partner, and not wallow in the attitude, "you should love me as I am".

(81)
H1,
September 2, 2012 7:04 AM

no bias

It's interesting to me that culturally it is generally not acceptable for a man to express disappointment at a wife who let's herself go--and so many women respond with bitter entitlement. I only wish someone would suggest they take a moment to see this from a mans perspective. We think and experience life in completely different ways, and just as a woman deeply needs to feel loved and listened to, a man needs to feel attracted to his wife. This is no newsflash, should be no surprise to those who act appauled that a man should feel this way. Listen, to let yourself go, so that your husband is forced to be embarrassed in public, says a lot. It shows an utter disregard for him as a person, total disregard for his needs and feelings. I think it is an expression of deep seated resentment at best! To let yourself go is just as much a violation of marriage as it would be for the man to continually insult you in public, and refuse to listen every time you want to talk about your feelings. After all, that is essentially what you are doing to him, publically humiliating him and blatantly disregarding his deepest needs. Next time you feel angry at the guy for being honest about his inherent biological needs, and his desire for a quality of life and marriage, perhaps you should consider how he feels in public seeing the majority of women who "do what it takes" to stay in good shape for their man. To say those women have it easy, is a complete cop out, good looking women work hard for their figure--because they care about their man, and are committed to their marriages. Forcing him to struggle not to notice all the good looking women that work hard to maintain an attractive figure for their man is a clear slap in the face. How about simply joining the local gym, attending the classes, and joining weight watchers.

(80)
Gigi,
June 23, 2012 7:33 AM

Most women gain weight out of depression

OK. I was sexy, thin and beautiful my entire life. But did that change my husbands habits? NOPE. He was severely into porn, he was never home, and he did not help with the kids. These women that get heavy 'overnight' have SOMETHING ELSE going on in the marriage that makes them 'not care'. Are you into porn, Mr. Skinny? Does she have to constantly deal with you ooogling other women in public? Have you had affairs? Let's have the men look at their own planks in their eyes before they bash these women who have become 'heavy overnight' for a reason. I have a feeling if you asked the woman, she'd have quite a story to tell about her husband.

(79)
Java,
July 15, 2011 3:53 AM

tough road ahead continued

tried to fit everything in but I have more to say. My wife and I have been married 17 years and her weight has been a huge issue for me. I tried everything that everyone suggested about doing excersise together, dieting together, talk to her about her health and being around for the kids and none of that works because that is one person trying to manipulate another person. But there is a very real issue that you are dealing with, and that is that you are stuck in a marriage with someone that you are not attracted to and you need to be. But you can't make yourself be attracted to her.
I finally quit talking to my wife about it because it was a miserable conversation that went nowhere. I can't say that she is happy with her choice to let herself go but we don't discuss it or get angry about it anymore. like I said before, there is a price to pay for it and our marriage is not what either of us would like for it to be but I can't make her want to want something better and I can't make myself be happy about her choice to live in an unhealthy way.
If you don't have kids and you don't see yourself ever being attracted to someone who lets themselves go then I would have a discussion about parting ways. Let her find someone who can truly love her the way she wants to be loved as an overweight person if you can't. She will be happier and you wil be happier. Once kids become a part of the picture then divorce is not such an easy option. If divorce is not an option for you then remember you vowed to love her for better or for worse. This is the "for worse" part and it is not as fun and easy as the "for better" part but its what you're stuck with. Marriage is the biggest commitment that you'll ever make and you go into it with absolutely no experience. I don't know how this will work out for you but I feel your pain and sadness.

Anonymous,
June 28, 2012 6:11 PM

advice: you can indeed change her.

i am writing this because i want to help you. your problem is summerized by your last word: sadness. sadness is the reason for your marriage's downfall that you speak about. the first thing you need to to is really change your inner feelings and feel happiness. let this happiness touch every part of your life. only then will there even be a chance that your wife will listen to you. when you have changed to happiness and made a commitment never to change to sadness again, you can start the change process. tell her you love her no matter what she looks like. if you married her for one reason only, and that was that she was thin, then you cant tel her that. but if you married her without any conditions, you can. tell her your love has nothing to do with what she looks like. then show her that you love her. only then u MUST tell her whats bothering you. if these steps dont work the first time try again and again but the most important is to ALWAYS BE in HAPPINESS and MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS THAT YOUR LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHATS BOTHERING YOU.

(78)
Java,
July 15, 2011 3:36 AM

worried about weight: you have a tough road ahead

YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER
My wife doubled in size after a few years of being married.
An irrevocable law's work.
"You cannot make someone like something that they don't like."
If your wife doesn't like being healthy and fit, then you can't make her want to be that. You can approach it from a health standpoint, or do thngs together but if she doesn't want to change, she won't.
Same goes for you. If you are not attracted to overweight women, you cannot make yourself be attracted to her.
I love my mom, my sisters, and my friends, but I am not sexually attracted to them Sexual attraction is a vital part of marriage Like it or not if it is gone, then you end up with a partnership, a friendship, that raises kids, pays bills, takes care of a house and goes on trips together but you don't have the marriage you want, SHE WANTS, and you never will
I don't like onions. Lots of people do So am I not a bad person because I don't like onions?
You can love this person that you married and live up to the vow that you made, but you will never love her the way she WANTS to be loved. If one person takes what is sacred in a marriage and decides to neglect and destroy it, there is a price to pay. There is nothing that anyone can do about that.
My wife and I have lived with the stress that this issue has caused us. After 9 years she told me that she will never exercise or try to be healthy and I am shallow for feeling the way I feel. That really put a distance between us.
I was bothered by her weight gain. But when she tried to take care of herself, she was beautiful just for trying and she turned me on without losing a pound
I can't imagine ever telling my wife, "hey, its your problem, deal with it". It is a problem when she is so overweight that she is bigger than me. It kinda feels like I'm sleeping with a man or a butch.
We're turned on by different things but it is a matter of making what is important to the other person important to us. If one stops doing that, both struggle.

(77)
Anonymous,
May 18, 2011 10:30 AM

Response to the second questioner

With response to the last questioner, the 42 year old mother of three children, I write as someone brought up with a mother who as the only daughter in the family had herself had to do a lot of housework etc. growing up. She did not want my brother and I to have to grow up in the same way, and so ended up doing everything for us. No chores were normally given to us. She meant well, but my brother and I (we are both middle aged now) ended up with problems as adults in being able simply to clear things up and keep them in reasonable order at home and even in doing normal household tasks. Even now, I am still learning how to be truly on top of things in the house!
There is often a tendency to overcompensate when a parent for a wrong done to you as a child. I would strongly urge you to set up a system of chores that each member of the family participates in, appropriate to the ages of the children concerned, teaching them clearly what you want from them and having the patience to be aware that there will be mistakes made and at first it will take them longer than it would for you. But in time, not only will it teach your children the skills they will need later on as adults, but it will also lighten things a little for you in the house. Younger children usually love to help Mommy and to do things in the house if given the opportunity.
As an afterthought, have you ever seen "Supernanny"? It's a TV program, many episodes of which are available to see on the internet, where an experienced nanny turns around families where their children are having behavior difficulties. You might find her discipline techniques helpful.

(76)
ROSEY,
March 12, 2011 7:56 PM

HE'S KIDDING, RIGHT?

Wow - I wonder what your wife will think of YOU if you should put on weight. Why not love her for who she is NOT for the arm candy you demand she be. UGH!!

Corin,
May 17, 2011 4:23 PM

You don't seem very understanding

He does say he loves her, it isn't his fault he doesn't find her attractive when she is overweight. He married someone who wasn't overweight and the physical attraction is based on those looks. He also has a responsibility to maintain his physique as much as her.
I certainly don't think it is grounds for a divorce, but if my wife went from 130 to 300-400 over the course of my marriage I'd probably be pretty unhappy about it. Of course he doesn't define if she gained a few pounds like 10 or 20 or if shes gained hundreds.
Either way he should be supportive of her and I think he should suggest ways for both of them to go out and do active physical things together so they can both be more fit.

(75)
marganit,
November 27, 2010 8:24 AM

REAL Advise for Worried About Weight!

To Worried About Weight,
Just be honest but sensitive to your wife! Say, "I'm concerned for you about your weight -- it's unhealthy and I want to grow old with you." Then suggest power-walking together after work during the week and on the weekends. Suggest hiking together, and other fun physical exercises together. If she's not exercising now, she may not enjoy it, especially if it's alone. If you're doing it with her, she'll get time with you (which most women desire) AND the benefit of exercise (and so will you).

(74)
Joelle,
October 25, 2010 5:11 PM

Matthew

I agree with you, even though I am a woman, I uderstand where the men are coming from on this, this guy has a sincere problem, he does love his wife and all he was doing was asking for advice, I can't imagine how he felt when the first line in the response he got was how anger was her first reaction.... not helpfull

(73)
matthew,
October 13, 2010 2:22 AM

way off on the weight issue

all due respect to emuna, but she is clearly not the person to answer the man's issue regarding attraction to his wife.
I can't- but as someone who relates to his issue, her answer is totally unsatisfactory.

(72)
,
October 10, 2010 11:01 PM

The husband should do things that make the wife feel good about herself and make it easier for her to lose weight. For example, he can do things so she doesn't have to be around food all the time, particularly when she is tired after a long day (a prime time for noshing) by taking responsibility for grocery shopping and 1/2 the cooking, (or at least do the cooking with her - having company in the kitchen can kep noshing while cooking down if you have someone to talk to) and in the process make good choices -- lots of fruits and veggies, lean fish and chicken, etc. He can suggest evening walks together after dinner, bike rides, a game of tennis, etc. If there are young kids, he can make sure she has an hour a day to herself so she can go to the gym. There are lots of things he can do to help. This man can't help his fading attraction, but he can do something to help his wife reach a healthy weight.

(71)
Anonymous,
October 10, 2010 8:30 AM

A weight issue is what I (a wife) have, too. I wanted to struggle from the beginning of our marriage on ... Before that marriage G'D had allowed me to have become successful (and there had been no sign for me of getting married in the near future). But then there was much too little emphaty so I could ceep that shape ... the refrigerator was filled with chocolate (not from me) - and directly in the middle - always to be seen, my sleeping time had been interupted again and again although I was exhausted, the child of my husband could humble me (because she 'couldn't ever do that and I was only seeing it wrong ...). So somewhere I had to turn to - and it was (as I had been used to before my better approach).
So - what I think is that a weight issue (or others) can be 'supported' by the same husband who doesn't 'find his wife attractive any more' - there is some core issue with the husband's love to his wife or otherwise - it's not just a matter of attractivenness, I think.
SHALOM.

(70)
Anonymous,
October 10, 2010 7:26 AM

Dear Emuna
Is the 'doormat mum' an analogy of our relationship with G-d? Or would be if we had 'our way' with the relationship all the time? Those children seemed a lot like us humans who want all the pleasure and no effort and no challenges that we haven't chosen ourselves - it seemed similar, also the 'always angry bit' - when we get angry re some things in life not going our way, or being unfair or uncomfortable etc. You get my drift. Thank you for two clever pieces, especially the husband with a chubby spouse ( last time I was correct weight for my height I was ten years of age!) It's a lifelong battle! Forget about 'stick women' though, we are built for comfort, not speed, and we are cuddly. Plus if you died tomorrow would you have felt good that you had forgone cheesecake the day before to try to keep your weight down? I would wish I had eaten it. Life has to be fun too. (am not talking about obesity-related diseases here, just moderate plumpness.) Shalom

(69)
sarah,
October 9, 2010 6:10 AM

Re: Overweight wife

When we are not loved, we replace that hole with other things. Sometimes that thing is food. When we are loved, we do not seek fleeting pleasure (food, sex, shopping) because we are fulfilled. We are loved. People who no longer find their spouse attractive for superficial reasons, would benefit from gaining more insight into their truer feelings, and share the responsibility. There is not a 'tipping point' when it comes to love. One's love does not cease once our significant other hits a certain weight. Rather, they have hit the certain weight because they are not loved. You can't fool another soul, and this is evidence of that. But you can fool yourself. Shame on you for pointing fingers. And remember what they say--when we've wronged another, we start to look for things wrong in them. Just think, that if the only thing someone can come up with is weight--how truly blessed they are to have such a wonderful partner in life, and how irreverent and undeserving they are! The true mettle of one's character is revealed in many ways. It is who we are when things are not perfect that tell us, and the world, who we are. To value someone so little as to reduce them to their weight, after having been the catalyst for the very thing you complain about--is meek.

(68)
Shlomo,
October 8, 2010 9:26 AM

A very reasonable question was met with anger.

Both men and women battle with excess body weight. Your comment about a husband should always find his wife attractive is total nonsense. Your advice not to mention this to his wife is 100% wrong and dangerous. There are not only shalom bayis issues here which you completey ignore, there are numerous health issues as well. The husband has a duty, as does the wife, to talk directly to their spouse about any kind of adictive, anti-social or general unhealthy behahiour. Many Chareidim do not take obesity seriously enough. Any wife or husband who is abese / binges on high fat/sugar foods and cannot control these urges needs immediate help.

(67)
Bobby 5000,
October 7, 2010 11:20 PM

Is this the right place for this

Aish operates on a spiritual plane. Women are mothers, wives, family spiritual leaders so I was somewhat surprised to see discussion of how she looks the focus of a post.
While other religions seem to consign women to a limited role, Judaism has gone well beyond this with some of our most mpressive leaders and scientists women. Hopefully Jewish men are not like the proverbial political leaders who toss away a wife of 25 years because she has acquired a wrinkle, gained a pound, or become ill.
A statement that a man does not find his wife attractive is nasty and hurtful. It is unlikely to solve any problems or make their marriage better.
That said, married couples can discuss things while proclaiming their love and the sanctity of their marriage. Wives may tell their husbands a tie does not match, or pants or wrinkled. If a husband approaches the topic with love and delicacy, noting that his attraction and love will not ever change, some suggestion could be all right. There must be some sage are spoke of the importance of speaking with tenderness and love to your wife.

(66)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2010 9:40 PM

is every man attractive to a woman?

I don't understand why a woman's reaction is always anger to a man commented on his wife's physical status. Saying a wife is no longer attractive has nothing to do with a husband's love. I have to assume that women can think of a man that is not attractive to them physically. Now if that man was thier husband, whould he magically become attractive? Love is emotional not physical, they are disconnected. True, many times love makes you overlook the faults but that doesn't have to be the case.

(65)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2010 5:25 PM

on overweight issue

My first question of the husband is whether his appearance has changed at all over the years? receding hairline, larger belly...if not then bravo for him. but often we only see changes in others. that being said, it is important that both partners take the best care of ourselves as possible for our marriages and for ourselves. i have struggled with weight issues but have made it a priority throughout many yrs of marriage. it is not easy though. Also, somehow our Jewish culture seems to 'encourage' eating and over eating (altho there is no halacha that we have to serve 5 course shabbos and yom tov meals etc!) Somehow we need to balance and cut the excess... i am not saying this is easy, it is not! Finally, when we marry there are no guarantees given. we go through a journey together, finances may change, health may change, situation may change and we should be in this for the long haul...

(64)
Imma,
October 7, 2010 11:00 AM

Taking sides with the men.

I heard of a rabbi who tells kallahs (brides) that they really do need to stay in their current shape as much as possible after getting married. If not, they are deceiving their chasson/groom. No one says a girl has to be a toothpick, and no one says there aren't all those times Emuna mentioned when its impossible to maintain appearances. But in general, if a guy was attracted to his new bride because she looked a certain way, and she later gained 30 pounds and wasn't trying to loose it, I think he has a right to be a little turned off. Attraction is a very important piece of a marriage, and without it, the marriage can fall apart. This guy is even taking initiative and asking for help because he loves his wife and wants to make it work. I think his wife needs to make a little effort to put herself back together. If she is already making effort and its not working, thats a whole different story.

(63)
Judith,
October 7, 2010 10:28 AM

Dear Doormat Mom

Allow me to recommend you read "Possitive Parenting" by (Rabbi Dr.) A. Twerski. Absolutely the best parenting book I've ever read, and I've read a few! Good luck!

(62)
Anonymous,
October 7, 2010 5:09 AM

The scoop on the skiny

Initially, I also felt anger or hurt by this question. I feel that you dealt with it in a positive way. However, I would like to educate people concerning the idea that there are skinny women out there who can eat whatever they want. This is another area where we need to realize we don't know what other peoples challenges are. Someone who appears wealthy and we are jealous, someone who seems to have the easiest kids and we are jealous. Then we find out, usually by accident, the real issues these people face in those areas.
So, here's the scoop on women who you think can eat anything and stay skinny: They may have a medical condition such as a thyroid problem or celiac disease, preventing them from absorbing and using essential nutrients from their food and causing them such problems as infertility for example. This is something which often goes undiagnosed and so the woman herself doesn't even realize it to receive treatment. Not something to be jealous of. They may have an eating disorder which is often a mental health problem that can require years to a lifetime of treatment or constant awareness of and dealing with. This is also something which deprives the body of essential nutrients and results in other health complications. I'm sure there are other issues I haven't mentioned. As the saying goes, "if everyone were to put down their peckel in the middle of the table and could choose which one to pick up, we would each choose our own over someone elses."

(61)
Joe,
October 6, 2010 8:06 PM

The defensive comments here are interesting.

Let's take charged words like hatred and oppression out of this. Let's not compare the travails of being looked down on for being overweight as a fair or seemly comparison to the suffering of the Jewish people. That comparison is vain, disrespectful, shallow and odious. Obese people are not being murdered by Germans. Now that is said, please let's look at this from a consistent and rational view. It is absolutely true that no one puts a gun to your head and forces you to eat. I am saying this as someone who is working to loose some weight himself. The simple fact is that in the modern world, we consume more calories in a day than our ancestors did in several days - routinely. On top of that, we are not working the fields or doing any regular strenuous exercise. The only thing that can come of that is obesity. As Jews, we place great emphasis on the notion of lifting our spirituality through control of what we eat. A balanced diet is no more demanding than obeying kashrut - and you should do so for many of the same reasons. Regular exercise, that will lead to a healthier and longer life, is no more demanding than morning minyan. Do you have the discipline to refuse a cheeseburger? If so, you should have the discipline to refuse cheesecake. If you can make the time to make minyan, than you can make the time - a whole 30 minutes a day for some exercise. We Jews take this notion of self discipline to such an extent that many rabbaim are convinced that people with different sexual preferences can somehow change by force of will alone. If people here can say that is possible (and no, I don't think it is, nothing could stop me from being straight if the shoe were on the other foot) than no one here has any right to whine about eating properly and doing regular exercise. The fact of the matter is that we have a lot of people here being very cranky about protecting their own denial.

(60)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2010 6:42 PM

Doormat Mom, lack of domestic work doesn't spoil a child. Lack of directing them does.

The difference between the Doormat Mom's kids, I didn't grow up watching T.V., laying around on the couch etc. I would sometimes ride the bus home to my friend Kathie's house. We were 13 at the time, I would sit at the kitchen table while Kathie had to prepare dinner for her family of 5. Kathie was bitter, and her life has not changed. Another friend Wendy, I would go and visit at her house of 10, they all shared household chores. At class reunions Wendy dances on the tables, guess still trying to get attention she didn't get growing up. I played sports, not watching them. I was involved in school clubs, clubs outside of school, religion and charity. My mother and I volunteered with the local paper drive to "save the trees." Kathie had to clean the entire house on those days. I invited Wendy and her mother to get involved and they did. Surprised because Wendy didn't get much chance to get involved outside of household chores and watching her siblings. Does a child have to be spoiled just because they spend their time doing constructive activities beside domestic chores? Doormat Mom, your heart is in the right place, you just need to get your kids involved in volunteerism, charity and getting active. They may need to hire housekeeper's when they grow up, none the less, they will have learned to be proactive in society, working toward a higher purpose in making the world a better place to live. And what is a greater purpose for myself to do the domestic thing now? To become in solidarity with the poor "in part." Many people are having to make cutbacks. To show by example it's "cool" to clean your own house, shut off the T.V., stay out of the Malls, stay off the phone: there is something else to do that is constructive and doesn't cost much money to do. Because those things will not fit into their budget with cutbacks, just to be able to keep their homes. Doormat Mom, teach your children to give back to society, they will love you for it!

(59)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2010 9:50 AM

how to raise children

you should really try dina freidmans course raising jewish children, she is a wonderful teacher in chilrearing and has a whole system to get people to have the right balance or boundaries and love. look it up online.

(58)
Anonymous,
October 6, 2010 5:34 AM

Domestic learning later in life

My one and major goal right now is to clean house. I've never had to do this in my life. This challenge is harder than anything I have attempted to do. I could continue to have someone else do the house cleaning and forget about tackling this goal, but it's something I want to conquer. Totally a strange goal at my age. I have never told my mother, why didn't you make sure I knew how to cook and clean. I'm very thankful I haven't spent my life doing this. There is a season for everything under the sun, and to take on a task that is new and not having a knack at, will be the challenge of turning a weakness into a strength. Menial chores in my own home, I'll bond with my home. I know it will teach me many things, beside creating a habit of cleaning my house. I'll make a splash out of it. It will be "me time" and time to do something that is self-ish, not other-ish. I will be able to see the fruit of my own labor. I will make people envious of cleaning my house, they to may ditch their house cleaner's to find the joy and therapeutic of cleaning their own homes. I'll make it big, there will be a greater purpose in doing this. No different than anything else I have done. No Problem!

(57)
Denise Rootenberg,
October 6, 2010 4:39 AM

I can't believe the smug and nasty comments about overweight people

People need to walk a mile in other people's shoes. Talk about sinas chinam - real hatred is being expressed here about people's outward appearances and inner struggles. Everyone should think of how awful it is to be hated/reviled just because one is Jewish and then substitute the word fat for Jewish.

(56)
Rivka C.,
October 5, 2010 11:54 PM

Wow

I cannot believe some of the insensitive comments I see. Certainly a woman should try to eat healthily, dress attractively, and exercise for both her health and to be attractive to her husband. However, plenty of husbands are perfectly able to adore and be attracted to their wives with flab, grey (white!) hair, wrinkles, etc. This shows it can be done. All this disdain for his wife is likely to do (even if only communicated unintentionally) is drive her to tears, chocolate, prozac, or to a more sympathetic shoulder than him (which could be another male who does think she is attractive, chas v'shalom!).
Women who say "I have lots of kids and am thin...why not you after 2?" should not talk...they are making this into some kind of competition and just adding to the pop-culture thin-fest. Besides, lots of people have the bioogical edge in thinness...or the opposite.
I do, though, have to agree with some comments: 1) if the weight gain we are talking about is indeed more than 50 lbs overweight, the wife needs to see a dr. to make sure that her blood sugar, thyroid, estrogen levels, etc. are o.k. 2) the husband really needs to think why he is so focused on his wife's weight...social pressure? Chasing after fantasies?

(55)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 8:08 PM

Husband is just being honest

The husband is just being honest. He is less attracted to his wife. That's a problem in a relationship. He doesn't need a therapist. He needs to make it easier for his wife to look good - by complimenting her when she puts herself together, perhaps by asking her to cook healthier for his sake etc.

(54)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 5:12 PM

No one puts a gun to your head and forces you to eat.

n response to most of the comments on weight gain.
Everyone seems to be writing one excuse or another about being obese. There is much ridiculous of pseudo-science to support the fantasy that something, anything, else is responsible for what you put in your very own mouth. Nonsense. There is exactly one and only one way to loose weight. It is eat fewer calories than you burn. If you want to loose weight, exercise more and eat less - for several months without slipping. You must do both and you must be consistent. Just dieting will put your body into a starvation mode (which will cause it to hold onto fat longer) and just exercise is not really an option for most fat people. It is that simple. Part of what makes obese people so disgusting, is that they clearly have no self control. They are clearly the whiny sort who faces everything with a sense of martyrdom and no concept self responsibility. That sort of indolent and self pitying attitude is certain to transfer over to all other areas of the marriage. Physically, it is gross too. The answer to your mate having back breasts is not to turn out the lights. The answer is to make certain you are not living in a glass house yourself before hurling stones, address the underlying reason they are too weak to control themselves, and probably both of you, eat less cheesecake and exercise.

(53)
J,
October 5, 2010 4:36 PM

I don't see why anger is necessary.

Hi, I'm a woman who tended to be fairly thin until the birth of my first child. Thank God my husband has been very supportive. However, I don't see what the man said that provoked Mrs. Braverman's anger. This does not appear to be an insensitive man who cares only about looks/ image. This comes across as a man who cares very much about his wife and his marriage and has taken the time to seek advice for a concern he has about his own thinking. I think it's very honest and honorable of this man to admit his problem and seek out help for it. I would recommend that maybe he seek further advice from someone who's had and overcome such a problem themselves as opposed to someone with very strong sensitivities around this issue that may get in the way of providing supportive advice.
And by the way, to say that thin women do not count in a discussion about body image issues is short-sighted and unrealistic. Are there not very wealthy people who question whether others are drawn to them just for their wealth? Feel free to extend the analogy.

(52)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 3:31 PM

From The Child's Point of View... All Grown Up Now

As someone who grew without maids and few chores, I have to say that I wish I had them growing up. It wasn't very often that I had to pick up my plate and put it in the sink etc. It was only the last few years or so going to my Rebbi's often when he made me realize that there's not always going to be maids around to pick up after you and it helped me appreciate also the work that goes into these chores. Having the "chores" has the potential to create an appreciation for what one has or had growing up.

(51)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 3:19 PM

how overweight is she?

If this man's wife is only a few pounds overweight then he may have a serious problem. But is the wife has gained more than twenty pounds I don't blame him for losing attraction to her. I am in my fifities and have had 10 children but I have never weighed more than 135 pounds. I have worked at keeping my weight down for years because I never want to lose the strong attraction that my husband has for me (even now!) I totally believe that a nice (not perfect!) figure, make-up, perfume and nice clothes are very feminine and make a husband both proud and happy of his wife. In addition, very overweight women are often angry and negative towards their husbands whereas women who feel good about how they look have self confidence which is very emotionally appealing. If anything society has made us victims--now we hear about "victims of obesity". C'mon--join a weight loss group or Overeaters Anonymous if you have a food addiction. But don't blame the husband for wanting a pretty wife with a nice figure.There is absolutely nothing wrong with that providing he keeps himself looking good as well. If not than they can be slovenly together.

(50)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 10:04 AM

Generating love in kids

This past Shabbos we had a guest speaker in our shul.
He said something that was a huge eye-opener for me: It is not enough that we love our kids. We have to get our kids to love us too. The way to achieve this is by giving them tasks to do for us, as giving generates love (see Rabbi Dessler on root of word Ahava "hav" which means to give.
The lady in your story has totally deprived her gikds of being able to love her by keeping them back from helping and just giving them everything (we used to call this spoiling a kid because it actually does spoil them).
By making them do chores (small at first) they will come to love her and appreciate her!

(49)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 9:41 AM

Other causes of weight gain

There are other causes of what appears to be weight gain. Fluoridated water, which lowers thyroid function; certain foods, such as broccoli & cauliflower if uncooked, lower thyroid function. Adenoviruses can cause weight gain. Some women have fibroids, which can be huge, such as 68 pounds, and 300 pounds! These women look obese, but it was their fibroids that were huge, even life-threatening. Some foods stimulate insulin, which leads to weight gain, and some foods stimulate leptin, which helps people lose weight. See a holistic doctor, acupuncturist, nutritionist, read about food and nutrition. Please learn before you misjudge yourself and other people.

(48)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 8:44 AM

The Real Weight Issues

"My wife has gained weight and I no longer find her attractive. I love her and want to make this work. What should I do?"
Methinks that you are conflating several issues.
A) Your attraction to your wife;
B) Your wife's health; and
C) Your own social standing.
If you decide that you will find your wife attractive, then you will be attracted to her. It is possible to be attracted to her, and yet be concerned about her health. But the big 4-ton elephant in the room (pun intended) which nobody ever talks about may well be some internal reservations on your part as to how you might be viewed socially if you are known to be married (or otherwise interested in) a fat woman.
How you -- and your wife -- resolve these issues is entirely up to you.
[On a more personal level, I note that in the illustration to this article, the needle on the scale comes to just under 240 lbs. [and I know the scale is in pounds because the "Not Legal for Trade" legend is more an American thing than a European thing.]. I would be quite happy if my beautiful and sexy wife would only bring her weight down to 240 pounds, before she has some type of heart attack or other malady to which fat people are so notoriously susceptible.].

(47)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2010 3:26 AM

overweight spouse

I think that the man who wrote in is probably voiceing what many men are thinking. In a perfect world, we would see eachother as souls not as bodies, but we live in a physical world. Most men (and many women) need to be physically attracted to their spouces on a visual level. We can work on ourselves to minimize that aspect of ourselves, but we have to appreciate that that is the natural order of things. This doesnt mean that a woman needs to be a size 2,4,6,8 forever, or a man needs to look like he just walked off the pages of GQ. Nature takes its course Baruch Hashem! I think that as long as we keep ourselves looking average ( not obese) we have done our jobs not to put a stumbling block in front of our spouses.
Also, someone was offended when Emuna said that "skinny people dont count" she obviously didnt mean that they dont count at all, but in terms of this discussion, her opinion is that they are not as emotionaly vested in this topic as those who have been in the position of being overweight.

(46)
BatYam,
October 4, 2010 10:36 PM

Good advice, but....

The advice given to the husband with an overweight wife was good, but I really didn't appreciate the part where you tell the women to make sure they look good for their husbands lest they stray. I guy who would actually do such a thing is not a man worth getting dressed up for.
Do I try to look nice for my husband? Heck, yes! But I do it because I respect him and love him. Not because I'm afraid that if I don't he will go looking elsewhere. As I said, if he was that low and untrustworthy that he'd be chasing skirts while I was still carrying around an extra 30 lbs. from pregnancy, I wouldn't be in such a rush to please him. I'm sorry for any women who really feel this way.
And just as a side-point: The guy who wrote the question has his head on straight. He's honest enough to say his wife's weight affects how attracted he is to her. But he says he loves her and wants to make things work.
The advice for trying to look good for our husbands does not belong in this peice.

(45)
Miriam,
October 4, 2010 4:03 PM

Some tips for hubby

As a woman in your wife's situation, can I offer you some tips? My husband has always convinced me I am stunning even after gaining childbirth weight and that knowledge really helps me keep on top of my problem!
#1: Tell her how gorgous she is.
#2: As much as possible, try to limit your access to public media. Toned, slim bodies as the ideal is a societally taught ideal, not a natural one. (Think Lucille Ball. Maybe a size 16? That was considered attractive then.)
#3: Maybe you should join a gym. She might see how you enjoy it and be inspired to join too. As a woman who struggles with her weight I can tell you that exercise is key. It puts you in a good mood so you have more self control and tones you.
#4: Overeating is emotional. Is there any stressful area you could make less stressful for her? Perhaps get more cleaning help for her? Encourage her to do more fun things? All of this would make her feel better and stop overeating.
Good luck.

(44)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 2:28 PM

Right on Emuna- Weight problem

I opened up the page because my wife always looks for ways to lose weight. So, I have been told that anytime I find anything about diets, exercise, health, I am to send the information.
I did not find any diet advice in this column. I read some of the postings and they were sad. Presumably some of them were written by women.
I guess we have bought into the American ideals. No wonder we have gone from hardly any divorce in the 50's and the 60's to being close to ever other demographic group.
My wife is beautiful and she has always been beautiful. She tells me that she has gained weight and I tell her that I worry about her health. I encourage her to get her blood pressure in line. I encourage her by going for walks with her. I encourage her by doing whatever it takes for her to be as healthy as she can be. Not once has it been done so that she looks slimmer. She keeps talking about these weight loss and diet ideas but to me she really is beautiful the way she is.
I cannot stand to see our women not dress appropriately. They feel that because they can wear a size 6 that gives them the right to wear Lulu Lemon tights everywhere. Sorry, but that is quite insulting to my eyes. There is nothing pleasing to me. It is sick. Wear those at home with your husbands. I only mention that because that is what I think this is about. It is all about the mighty ego. Everyone has forgotten what we are about. We are Jews first and foremost. This is not about "I can do whatever I please." That is called secular religion. If you wish that then you can sign up for that tyranny somewhere else.
Emuna, you are right on. That poor woman after several child births: what will he say then. Aging? Ouch! Grow up!

(43)
yosef,
October 4, 2010 2:14 PM

bull's eye

Thank you, Emuna for 2 terrific advice letters. For the women who have an issue with men being unattracted to weight, what about women who want tall men - that's even shallower! People can't change their height. But people CAN work to lose SOME weight. Also, for the mom with the complete lack of discipline in her kids, she will likely need some serious follow up work in addition to Emuna's otherwise excellently stated advice.

(42)
Elana,
October 4, 2010 1:57 PM

Twilight Zone??

As I am reading these comments on "fat people", I am thinking to myself "am I living in twilight zone?" What the heck is going on here? R u people nuts? Do u really think that we will be that way forever? So, you are in essense telling me (and your daughters) that you HAVE to stay thin to be married and to be attractive. What vanity! And if you are not; this gives a right for the other spouse to leave you? Maybe for another hotter spouse; because you know, you WILL NOT be thin and pretty forever. And guess what...there is always someone hotter than you. Is your spouse a hollywood star? No? Why not? Yes, it is true that you marry on being attracted to one another, but you have to be more than physically attracted to the other spouse. You and your spouse are supposed to be ONE SOUL, not one body. What if you get cancer and your body rots? Can the spouse leave you then too? Because as one commentor said, you don't look like you anymore so the contract is null and void. No wonder there are so many Jewish girls who are anorexic and bulimic. Because they are learning from their own PARENTS. These comments are awful and just shows you what level basic humanity is at. And men are taught to expect it! And to #35: May I be so lucky to find someone like you one day.

(41)
nancy p,
October 4, 2010 12:14 PM

hope for a compulsive overeater

I lost 75 pounds and this reversed many life threatening problems. Overeating is not just about vanity.I wrote 2 articles on Aish.com about this, The gift of desperation, http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/95754974.html
and Don't Wait for Miracles, http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/101458014.html.
Today is my one year anniversary of abstaining from all unhealthy food. It can be done.

(40)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 11:20 AM

It's not clear to me why you feel anger towards the man who is no longer attracted to his wife. He is just being honest. I'm a woman and I understand him. He didn't say why she gained the weight, is it after childbirth, is it emotional eating? Maybe he is not paying enough attention to her. He should broach the subject very gently with her, not lie to her and tell that she is always beautiful in his eyes if it's not true. He should help her have more time for herself to take care of herself, go on a diet together, treat her to massage, etc. It is possible to love someone and not find them attractive.

(39)
sam,
October 4, 2010 11:17 AM

we are missing the point here..

Comments judging this post are not useful. The author said he feels bad about he weight hangup, he does not need to be chided.
He has enough guts to write in - there is a HUGE number of people who would not write in but who are keen to hear REAL answer, such as Ms Braverman's.
Unless you have your head in the sand we all know that half the guys who go dating mention the weight thing and a lot of others will say no to a girl over it without admitting it.
This is 100% in line with popular culture, and attraction is not an intellectual exercise. We are affected & educated by popular culture - (you are reading this over the internet after all)
I would like to add a couple of suggestions: A man should practice "instinctively looking away" . If you see something (advert etc.) or someone attractive (yes, even if she is dressed modestly too) find another place to rest your eyes. And distract yourself by thinking of something else. The less it's on your mind the less you will be obsessed (and frustrated) by it.
Tell your wife how you like her to dress, she will probably be happy to know what you like.
One last point. Above all make her smile as much as possible. Nothing is as attractive as a smile.

(38)
Hannah,
October 4, 2010 6:36 AM

Interesting comments, but .....

I am so glad I am not married to any of these shallow people who don't feel attracted to their spouse any more because of weight issues. You see, I have a metabolic condition which means no matter what I do, (I have even tried starving myself cause someone said to me: "No-one who came out of the holocaust was overweight") it just doesn't work.
You should feel ashamed, all of you! Have you ever considered that your spouse may be overweight because of the way you are treating them? And what would you do if you are judged the way you judge? Are you perfect?
I am no Emuna, but my advice? Change yourself and the way you relate to your spouse. Look for the positive and not for the negative. Count your blessings. Look for your own shortcomings. Then you will not even see your spouse's!
And if you were wondering, I am married to a wonderful husband. Maybe it should be him commenting here.

(37)
Beverley,
October 4, 2010 5:54 AM

Yes dear draw the red line, go on mom's not doing anything today vacation at home or what ever but do something immediately. Respect, respect, respect YOURSELF. Take the command with your husband. Establish rules in your home. IF NOT THE KIDS WILL GET OLDER AND THINGS WILL CERTAINLY GET OUT OF HANDS. You might need professional help. Since they will not listen to you. Invest your money in this instead of gifts or vacation. The kids have tendency to listen to a third party. Expose them to other adults
command for some days when possible. WORK AS TEAM WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND FAMILY. Explain to the kids why you are taking certain measures. You arae preparing them to be responsable adults not a weight on society nor deliquents.
Expose them to real life situations. DO some volontary work in your community and invite them to participate. There is no greater eye openerthan investion in helping those who are less fortunate than us. Then instead of watching television in the morning.... WAKE THE KIDS PRAY WITH THEM AND FOR THEM! Pray sincerely for other children too. Of course they Must help in the house chores. THEY MUST DO WHAT THEY CAN. THEY MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ROOMS, they can empty the dishwasher. THERE YOU ARE OPERATION ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL AND A COOPRERATE LEVEL.
They must realize that money does fall from trees. If they have a nice home someone made that possible. Help them understand FAMILY means. You need to reduce the privileges. Life is not peanut butter and jelly sandwich for everyone. Respect, no shouting. ZERO tolerance. Immediate sanction. Why? THEY KNOW BETTER. Why do they do it to you only? Mother woman, demand respect. You are the queen of your home, make it known IN LOVE FERMLY.
Establish dialogue. WRITE DOWN THE RULES OF YOUR HOME. Be sure everyone has a clear understanding of what is EXPECTED, OF WHAT WILL BE TOLERATED.
IF YOU DO NOT YOU WILL HAVE YOUR EYES TO WEEP.
AND IT WILL BE TOO LATE. DISCIPLINE IN LOVE;
GREAT DIVIDENDS.

(36)
Tova Saul,
October 4, 2010 5:17 AM

food addiction

Struggling with weight is a fascinating subject. It seems to me that there are so many women who relate to food the way someone else is addicted to nicotine or other harmful drug. In fact, there are so many women like this, that is almost seems to be the norm. The question is: What is the best way for these women to help themselves? What is the best way to cut into any addiction? From observing friends with food addictions, it seems that the 12 steps and Weight Watchers is the answer, with a strong dash of resolve.

(35)
Michael Shapir,
October 4, 2010 5:09 AM

My wife showed me this article and, above all, I am surprised at the comments from the women who disagree with Ms. Braverman -- you are selling yourself short. I have been married for 17 years and my wife has gained about 20 - 25 pounds in that time. She is still as beautiful to me as ever!!! Of course she would like to weigh what she did when we met (so would I), but with having had 3 children, a job, and getting older, as we all are, the pounds added slowly. She goes to the gym when she can and we take walks together. Maybe if she gained 100 lbs it would be a different story, but I cannot understand a man who truly loves his wife and loses attraction to for her so easily. To the gentleman who wrote the letter - is she really a different person if she carries a little extra weight? Does she not have the same eyes and smile? Is her skin not as soft? I've had some of my friends make similar comments about their wives, but I laugh and tell them to look in the mirror. Most of us are not movie actors with personal trainers and live in nannies. Consider that perhaps with every extra pound, she has also grown in character and strength and has taken care of you in that time. If you don't appreciate and love more than just her body, you will be in an unfulfilled marriage, limited in your connectedness with the person who is closest to you and really might ultimately be unhappy even with yourself. May Hashem bless you with the clarity to see and transcend beyond the physical and have a meaninful and healthy long marriage.

(34)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 4:38 AM

Such shallow responses... sad

"Worried about weight" does not indicate how much weight his wife has gained, whether 10 pounds, or 50 pounds. He does not indicate whether she has borne him children. He does not share any information regarding his wife's positive attributes. His only concern is for HIMSELF that she is overweight and he is not attracted to her. Well la-d-da. He makes absolutely no comment about her value as a person. Wow. What a fortunate woman! I would not be the least surprised if this wife has picked up on this and is very depressed by her marriage. We shouldn't marry for physical attractiveness alone, or even first. Attraction should be based upon the love for an entire person! We should choose to love our spouse and the inner person should be the main focus of our attraction. Yes, shallow society is obsessed with appearance. But news flash... we ALL get ugly eventually, fat or skinny, if we live long enough to get old. (and really, skinny old people are uglier than ones with a little meat on their bones) This man needs to examine the reasons he married this woman. If her physical attributes are more important to him than her inner person, then he should have done her a favor and not married her. What I see is that the things this query lacks are the greater indicator of what is wrong with the attraction this man has for his wife. There is no mention of concern for her attraction to him, or her happiness or her feelings about her own weight gain or anything else. I see no indication of sensitivity to his wife on any level. But I do see concern for his own sense of attraction to her for his own satisfaction. There is a lot of "self" here, too much. Did this guy really think about what he was writing????? The inside of a package stays the same if the wrapping paper changes. But this guy doesn't mention the contents.

(33)
yael,
October 4, 2010 4:37 AM

disagree

part of our wifely duties are to keep as attractive as we can- we don have to be a size 4 necessarily, but we have to try as much as we can. We are not expected to have a shining house, but we are expected to try. Same goes with weight. I wouldnt like my husband to become fat either. We have to be forgiving and we also have to try. Both.

(32)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 4:11 AM

Insensitive advice

My husband and I were suprised to read such an insensitive response to this man's problem. As others have written, it is completely legitamate. I think Emuna had a hard time distancing herself from her personal problems on the issue. I would venture that there are real emotional problems going on with the overweight wife, that should be addressed. Her husband should show her he loves her of course, and give her support, but the problem cannot be ignored. No fingers should be pointed, but together they should try to come up with a solution: working out togther, going for walks, maybe he does the (light) cooking etc. Our main problem was with Emuna, in this type of setting her response should have been filled with more sensitivity and empathy.

(31)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 2:48 AM

Been There

i was an obese woman for many years and during that time my husband admitted that he was not attracted to me. i was completely devastated. over time, i came to understand that this is simply the way he, and most men, are hardwired, and that it is not his fault that he felt that way. He still loved me and cared about me, but the physical attraction just wasn't there. Physical intimacy is a glue in relationships and helps to smooth over rough spots and creates a very important bond between a couple. I have since lost the weight, Thank G-d, and he is very attracted to me. I don't think he is shallow at all - just human.

(30)
Ahad Ha'am,
October 4, 2010 1:35 AM

Emuna's "Overweight" reactions are....ridiculous!

A very overwight wife is embarrassing for her husband to be seen with her. It makes him look like a loser, especially these days when so many other wives look so good in comparison, thanks to their efforts at diet & exercise. As for turning off the light when anticipating intimacy...No, that won't work if he encounters rolls of fat & blubber. Men are tactile as well as visual, therefore can be repulsed both visually & by touch. Bad news for the marriage if that is occuring! Emuna, I must give you an F (for Fail) on this one.

(29)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2010 1:31 AM

How I see the weight gain issue

Some people fight with weight gain all their lives. Some people fight with it sometimes. I'm married to a man who fights all the time. I don't, but that is not a reason to say "I'm not attracted to you anymore, and if you can't keep your weight in control, you have a problem." I have things I can't keep under control. Do I want him using them against me?

(28)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 11:44 PM

I know of a couple with a beautiful family, the husband was very good looking at 20 and now gained a few pounds... the wife is still as much in love with him as the day they first met! when a persons qualitys are attractive enough then people should care for the gift inside not only go for the wrapping! another example... someone i know a real great person, really isnt the most attractive person in the world, however everone wants to be friends with her, and tell you what her husband will feel like the luckiest guy in the world! people need to get thier priorties straight!

(27)
Elisheva,
October 3, 2010 11:31 PM

I found your comment that really skinny women don't count very hurtful. Aish is not the place I would expect to see such a thoughtless, demeaning comment. I am a chronically underweight woman who has suffered many ill effects because of it and I have spent my life fighting to be healthy and having hateful barbs thrown at me because I am 'really skinny' (as in having a BMI of 15 while 12 weeks pregnant). We are all people and count to G-D. I hope in future you consider your words more carefully.

(26)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 10:59 PM

overweight

I am a woman and I don't feel angry one bit at the man who is disappointed that his wife is overwight. Women also have the right to be disappointed if their husbands are overweight. Recommending relations in the dark is not the answer! Diet and exercise is!!!

(25)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 9:56 PM

Children really do need structure

Children require structure and a certain level of independence for many reasons, not the least of which is for their self esteem. Having a healthy sense of self-esteem and independence are surely necessary components for happiness; their anger likely reflects their perceived inability to do things which they should be doing for themselves at their age, and which their own friends are likely doing by themselves. I agree with Emuna, and in addition, feel that you may indeed want to consult a therapist (at least initially) to guide you through the process, because otherwise it may be too difficult to continue the changes when things become difficult. And it seems like the kind of changes she suggests are necessary, now. Children are resilient and indeed want to help and feel important and independant, all they need is the chance to do so. At this point, it should begin with a loving firmness (requiring that certain things be done alone) If more support is needed (eg. a therapist), you should not hesitate to do so. Ultimately your children will thank you for it, and you will likely soon begin to develop the kind of relationship with, and see the changes in your children you desire.

(24)
Rachel J.,
October 3, 2010 9:27 PM

I really enjoy your posts, but disagree with this one ......

A husband is entitled to have a wife that he is attracted to!!!!
In my opinion, he needs to have a serious conversation with her about his being unattracted to her anymore, instead of writing a letter to you. This is not a simple matter, and quite simply your anger is out of place. It is irrelevant how many great qualities she may have, for some men if attraction is no longer there, which I am sure you're aware it is almost impossible to be with a woman. He should be given a credit that he's trying to get advice, many look for other options, the world today is not as simple as it used to be.
And yes, we women have an obligation to control our weight, not let ourselves go & eat whatever we want whenever we want & hate those who do the same & don't gain a pound.

(23)
Carol,
October 3, 2010 8:31 PM

What about togetherness

If a husband is bothered by his wife's weight why doesn't he tell her he loves her and wants to show her off and then suggests going for walks, exercising together etc. for health reasons because he doesn't want to lose her or for her to lose him because they both aren't taking care of each other or themselves. My overweight husband and his overweight wife are both overweight because of illness and an inability to exercise - I'm in bed 24/7 except for the odd visit to a women's meeting or doctor appointments. We might wish we could exercise but since we can't we are thankful for what we've got and strive to show each other how much we love them. My husband has to wash and iron, cook and clean and even though he has a heart condition never makes me feel like I'm not worth any less than when I was slim and fit. I am blessed I know - but giving God thanks and putting Him first, and asking Him for guidance makes all the difference. Commitment is a dirty word today. We have just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary and my husband has been my carer for over 20 years.

(22)
Jonathan,
October 3, 2010 8:29 PM

Nonsense

Your answer about overweight spouses is ridiculous. Anyone who allows herself to get fat is a disgrace. We eat too much. Period. A woman who allows herself to go to seed, should expect rejection from her husband. Fat people are not attractive to me, no matter how much I might love them. Certainly no sex, that's for sure. Uggh, it's repulsive. Getting fat shows you don't care about yourself or your spouse or your relationship, except if there is a health problem. Talking to God? What nonsense. A slim and attractive hooker is probably more adept at giving the right answers.Today, we rationalize that it's oK because this society allows us no discipline and deals in euphemisms and self-esteem. A fat person needs to feel awful enough to do something practical about it instead of having others just indulge her poor eating and exercise habits. What religious codswallop you have provided us.

(21)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 8:03 PM

Emuna, I usually love your column, but I disagree (a little bit).

Re: the husband who doesn't feel attracted to his wife who has gained weight. I must say, I don't blame him. While there might be those who are attracted to overweight people, most of us are not. In fact, it can be and is a big turn-off. Where I live, I see so many women walking around, with pretty sheitels and often cute clothing, but they are huge. I ask myself every time: "How can her husband feel attracted to her?" I really just don't get it. And I know how hard it is to keep in shape and stay trim -- I gained a lot of weight after turning 50 myself. It's a lot of work and self-discipline. But if Hash-m gave you a loving husband, for goodness sakes take care of yourself. I feel for this guy, and all the others, who have to live with a fat woman.

(20)
Rivke in Colorado,
October 3, 2010 7:57 PM

Overweight

Hey, I'm one of those women who can (for now) eat what I like and not gain weight.
It's called chemo and I really don't see how hating on thin women helps your stance at ALL.
Sure, it was supposed to be a joke, but if a man admitting his physical attraction is related to his wife's size hurt you, Emuna, how do you think your comment made women feel who struggle with weight on the keep it side? We don't count? Seriously?
Is dividing the sisterhood of women a good goal?
For the wife who is gaining weight, and hubby, too, I would recommend spark people dot com.
When I needed to lose 15 pounds, I found the tracking of food and exercise, and community there to be uplifting and helpful.
I now track to keep up calorie intake, fwiw.
We are more than our appearance, but we have a responsibility to be as healthy as possible.

(19)
J.G.A.,
October 3, 2010 7:28 PM

I don't fully agree...

Although I hear Emuna's frustration with the husband who is upset by his wife's weight gain,I think she let the wife off a bit too easily.Whether we like it or not, we are living in an age of billboards,magazines,media etc. etc.that our husbands are exposed to everyday,just by walking down their streets to work or to Yeshiva.We have a responsibility to take care of ourselves so that our husbands are proud of and attracted to their wives.I understand that we might not be as slim as we were when we were dating,but to let ourselves go to the point that a husband is no longer attracted to his wife is asking for trouble,especially in this day and age.Expecting a husband's tefilos to help him get past his wife's overweight shape is asking too much of him.Sorry.....

(18)
tw,
October 3, 2010 7:20 PM

advice

your advice is always right on...i especially like the advice to the doormat mother....it wasn't just advice, it was behavior modification...all she has to do is memorize it!!!!!!!....

(17)
Chava Cohen,
October 3, 2010 7:08 PM

Overweight spouse

I disagree about an overweight spouse. I have been married 47 years to the man of my dreams. At 20 he was an awesome, attractive man. Now he is over 200 pounds and doesn't care how he looks. I have repeatedly asked him to get a make-over and to dress better. He replies, "I dress for comfort." He looks like a Walmart shopper! I am not attracted to him any more no matter how good his other qualities are. If he doesn't love me enough to look his best for me, then he has a serious problem.

(16)
Susan,
October 3, 2010 7:02 PM

Wife not attractive to you

Has she had a physical? Does she really over eat? Do you take her for walks? Get her thyroid checked out. More than just a TSH test, the whole gammit, THR maybe...A thyroid can already be half way nonfunctional before it will show up on a TSH test. I gained 60 lbs in a year and after seeing the same MD every 2 months, and lots of tears he finally ran the appropriate test. Full blown Hashimotos and Hypothyroidism. Then take her to a holistic nutritionist. Get her a check up, because you love her.

(15)
D.B.,
October 3, 2010 6:24 PM

Overweight spouse

He married and thin woman and it's her responsibility to try her best to remain thin, otherwise it's like breaking her part of the contract. I see too many women and men not caring about their weight after they get married and not exercising any kind of self-control over their eating. That is not fair to their spouses and a big turnoff both physically and spiritually.

(14)
SusanE,
October 3, 2010 6:00 PM

She made a Choice and it Affected their Marriage.

Emuna, My first response was mild anger but not towards the man. If this mans wife made a choice to sell their home and live in a hotel .......... or she decided to become a high fashion model or to wear inappropriate clothing ....... if she decided to have plastic surgery..... then she should consult him. It changes her attitude and it changes her looks from the woman he married. If she was fat when they married then that was his choice. It's not fair to change who you are or how you look and expect the other to accept it after marriage. He should have been consulted about these changes and he could have either been supportive or disagree. But I wonder how in the world can a woman expect a spouse to be supportive of her decision to gain enough weight to make herself unattractive to him?
We don't know how much bigger the wife is than when she got married. Sometimes a 10 pound gain is as big a deal breaker as a 125 pound gain.
You can gain about 5 pounds in a month (about 60 pounds in a year) if you really eat a lot. So, she had plenty of time to consult with him. He should make a decision now, becasue their married life will be a 'struggle' if she doesn't respect her body. If she can't control the eating herself, she has had time to find help for the problem.
This is the same if it is the man who decides to begin drinking daily, or decides to change his body to a bodybuilder. Or if he decides to quit his job, pierce his nose, wear sandals and shave his head, it's up to him because he is a grown man. She is a grown woman and can decide for herself if she she wants her body to carry extra fat. But this is within a marriage, both have to agree or be given an option, because they are 'one'. They aren't doing it to just themselves.

(13)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 5:51 PM

send this to Israeli Mothers

This message needs to be distributed globally in Israel, where mothers feel that children should be free to do whatever they want, and that the schools and Army are the disciplinarians, and that the goal in parenthood is that their sons and daughters be their parents' best friends by the age of 15. Surveys in the IDF exit process show that one thing soldiers say lacked in their childhoods that hindered their success in the army is discipline. I lived there for 17 years – it's appalling how parents cater to their children.

(12)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 5:46 PM

What if the the situation was switched in overweight wife?

If this man could possibly read the comments sent in, what about if this was you, instead of your wife, how would you think then.? You have alot of life life, no doubt, but old age hits us all, and you are liable to be overweight or unattractive too. Women, battle weight more than men, but yet men, want good meals served to them. Women fight hormonal changes, as well as weight gained through having childen. To many marraiges are based in men's minds sexually, which blinds them to the real beauty, and that is holiness. Our whole society parades in front of men, in the form of TV, which shows super models continuously. What they don't show is that when a man leaves his wife, is he really willing to deal with the selfishness, lack of self control, vanity that these women possibly would given them. Happiness starts in the heart, be happy young man, one day your vanity will be gone. Remember Ashet Chayil, the beauty of the woman in proverbs is the real beauty.

(11)
Jewish Mommy,
October 3, 2010 5:24 PM

To the confused Mommy

One of the first things you must do is to understand that love does not mean a total lack of reciprocation in a relationship. Love means really truly wanting the best for the other person and in this case the best thing for your children is to learn how to be a respectful, responsible memeber of society and this starts at home.
Even if you don't want your children to be overburdened by housekeeping chores, it is only fair to them to teach them how to take care of their own personal needs, such as keeping their surroundings clean [or at least not making a mess of them], carrying their own bodies to bed or to where they want to go, and the understanding that nothing in life is perfect and it is not someone else's job to make everything perfect and painless for them.
Then, once you understand these concepts it is your job to communicate them to your children. You are raising ungrateful, spoiled brats who no one in their right mind will want to marry [and woe to whoever marries a spouse like that!].
You will have to start slowly and gently teaching your children to respect others and themselves enough to pick up after themselves and to feed themselves in a basic way.
Good luck and you can't start too soon...

(10)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 5:19 PM

overweight

One thing I want to point out is that your site gourmetkoshercooking.com helps promote this problem by putting up recipes that are so fattening and unhealthy. While you do have a healthy section, it should be the main section. It is so acceptable in the orthodox world to feed ourselves and our children so much junk and bad foods that it is hard to break out of it. I think the chumras we take on should be in the realm of 'vinishmartem meod linafshoseichem.' It takes a lot of courage to serve only healthy food, but is worth it. I wonder if it would alleviate some of the cancer and other diseases in our communities.

(9)
Jewish Mommy,
October 3, 2010 5:15 PM

Why so annoyed at hubby?

I'm not sure why Emuna is so annoyed at the poor hubby who is just asking for help. You can't blame him for wanting to be attracted to his wife and there are many spouses who are turned off by overweight husbands/wives.
The suggestion that someone else made about exercising with his wife and encouraging healthy meals is a really good one for both of them. I think that this will encourage both closeness and good health [and hubby might lose a few pounds as well!]

(8)
Betty Moses,
October 3, 2010 4:59 PM

True that we women must all try & look attractive to our husbands inspite of the long hours we put in looking after babies & housework. How about men too ? I think it is equally important for men to be attractive to their wives.By attractive I don't necessarily mean in looks & clothing etc. They should learn to be supportive, appreciative & loving. Women are more turned on by acts than by looks.

(7)
L.S.,
October 3, 2010 4:57 PM

Overweight Wife/Calm Down, Emuna

Look, as a female who has struggled with her weight, I understand Emuna's frsutration with this man's letter. That being said, the man has a legitimate problem...it is very important that a man be physically attracted to his wife--intimacy in the dark does not solve the problem if he can't even get in the mood to get intimate in the first place. I personally have lost 30 pounds over two years through a lot of slow, steady changes, lots of hard work, etc--it can be done. On another note--every woman, regardless of weight, can do things to enhace her appearance: she can style her hair or sheitel in a flattering style, she can wear makeup, and dress in clothing that suits her--all of these things DO make a difference.

(6)
DOC ZEE,
October 3, 2010 4:53 PM

SHE BECOMES UNATTRACTIVE ???

If the only thing that made a woman Attractive was her Looks and/or Physical Attributes ... chances are that any marriage that resulted was for all the wrong reasons ... So she gains a little weight ... So she doesn't always look like she just stepped out of Vogue ... So, Who Does ??? A little extra weight doesn't change the fact that she is the same person ... As long as her health isn't compromised, what difference does it make ??? Chances are she makes good Kreplach ... Be Happy !!! And, take an Honest look in the mirror once in a while ... What do you think she sees ??? A Fresser with a pot-gut that has to wear a Kippot to hold doen the glare ??? Or do do you still look like Irving Grant or Sidney Gable ??? Who do you think you're fooling ??? Our "Responsibility" Ms. Braverman, is to keep our Vows, and to be Realistic, and Equally Honest ...

(5)
excerciser,
October 3, 2010 4:18 PM

Are you kidding me Emuna, your first reaction is anger- like most woman you can imagine? except the really skinny ones who DON"T have to excercise blah blah blah????? and can eat anything they want? Are you kidding me, Emuna?
I am 40 years of age and I have 4 children thankfully. I am thin- yes thin! Why? I t is important to me and my husband. Yes, he likes an attractive wife. I excercise 6 days a week. I awake very early to excercise so that I am not interupted by the children or anyone for that matter. Skinny people do excercise- and just how do you think they got that way? NO, they cannot eat anyhting they want to and not gain a pound. We gain weight, too. We just don' let it stick. How? We get right back into the gym the next day.
In the most respectful way I know my rebbetzen said, "G-d made man visually oriented, therefore he created woman with whistles and sirens." No other "weigh" to put it. Sorry for the pun, but unless there is an exrremely rare disorder for which a woman can really truly not lose weight, get yourself into the gym, go for a walk and realize that your husband wants to be excited about the way his wife looks and deal with it. Emuna, you were angry? Really seriously? Angry? Men are men and there is nothing wrong with this. Intimately they need to be turned on, and by the way, I would not be turned on if my husband was overweight, either. Hellllllloooooooooooooooo........... Does this mean that thin people are obsessed and don't daven and all the negatives that I can hear coming back for this response the answer is no. Stop procrastinating and making excuses.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 4:11 PM

a bit too critical of husband

This husband sounds like a caring, self-aware man who is simply being honest about his involuntary reactions, and struggling to transcend them. A wife really does bear responsibility in this department, to discipline herself in regard to eating. It is indeed possible to avoid fattening food-- and if necessary, to eliminate it from our daily diet.
Miriam Adahan used to say, "Every act of self-restraint is an act of self-esteem." .

(3)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 2:06 PM

Overweight Wife

While I hear the husband's frustrations, with all due respect to Emunah, I don't think we should rush to criticizing him. How would anyone handle an overweight spouse? I've read stories about married people turning to porn or to other people of the opposite sex for intimate attention b/c they no longer find their spouses attractive. I think these activities are rather destructive to a marriage than a solution. Kudos to this man who actually wants to help his wife and retain that sparkle instead.Its true for the most part that physical appearances are overrated but are we not encouraged to marry someone who we personally find attractive to in all levels? We are also taught to look physically and sexually appealing to our spouses as well. Men and women can be equally guilty for slacking off in that department. Obesity is a growing problem across the board that needs to be addressed.Rather than making his wife feel bad about being overweight, there are several ways he can encourage her to get back into shape. Perhaps this man could ask his wife to cook healthier meals. They could spare at least 30 minutes to go out walking together at night.He could volunteer to watch their kids while she goes to the gym.

(2)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 1:34 PM

Speaking of weight

Recently I stood on a weighing machine that speaks out loud what your weight is. It said "One at a time, please!"!

(1)
Anonymous,
October 3, 2010 1:02 PM

Doormat Mom Equals Children Unprepared for Life

My mother did not demand her children do chores either (though she did not wait on us hand and foot or pamper us) and now in her old age she is paying for that big mistake. Many of her children still expect mommy to take care of them, and mommy really isn't up to the job anymore.
It is the job of parents to help prepare their children for life. How is it going to help a child to be waited on hand and foot and then when they want to move out they have no idea how to clean their clothes, cook their dinner, or do anything else most people are taught to do as children. How are they to develop positive relationship outside the home when they learn from their parents that they don't have to work, clean, cook, or do anything for themselves, that someone else is supposed to do that for them, that there are no expectations of them to succeed in life?
They are going to have a rude awakening come their adulthood when they go out into the world and try to succeed and find out that nobody but mom and dad are willing to wait on them hand and foot. Having the concept in your head that your children should not have to do chores is like putting obstacles in their path in life and then expecting them to sail through life problem free. How many obstacles are you planning to create for your children? Are you planning on not teaching them any life skills, such as cooking, cleaning, sharing, helping others, or the like? Because if you are, I can tell you from experience, that your children are not going to respect or love you for making their lives so difficult and it will all come back to bite you in your old age. Unless you want to financially support your children totally from cradle to the grave, and feed, clothe, clean, and coddle them for the remainder of your days, you should make some drastic changes in your parenting now.

This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

With stories and insights,
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