Straight Talk Edition

Today the Supreme Court issued a landmark blah blah blah what the fuck happened this morning in DC?

Basically, the Court answered four questions.

1. Can people sue the government over the healthcare mandate yet?

This is important because way back in 1789, Congress passed a law called the Anti-Injunction Act (AIA) saying you can’t challenge a tax before you’ve paid it — you have to pay it, and then sue for a refund. That was to prevent people from tying up the government in court all the time with frivolous lawsuits to buy more time. It’s like, “Fuck, I don’t have the money yet. OH I KNOW. I’ll sue the government, saying the tax is illegal, because it takes like decades for shit like that to resolve, and in the meantime no one will have to pay! I’LL BE A HERO.” Can’t do that. Instead, you have to decide that it’s worth your time to go and get the money back in a court battle.

If the healthcare mandate falls under the AIA, then this suit has to wait all the way until 20-fuck-15, when people start paying it. However, the court ruled that the healthcare mandate does not fall under the AIA, because Congress didn’t call it a tax. This is really important — Congress didn’t call it a tax, so it doesn’t count, because the AIA only applies to things that Congress calls taxes.

On March 1, Google rolls out a new privacy policy across all its services. They told you it was important, but you didn’t read it. I translated it line-for-line into PG-13 straight talk so you’ll actually pay attention. I also translated the new terms of service.

Google is useful as fuck. You can find things, share things, make things, whatever. When you tell us shit about you, we make it even easier for you to do things with our things. Who doesn’t want that? So we want you to know what exactly we do with the shit you tell us, so you don’t accidentally tell us some embarrassing shit.

Our Privacy Policy explains:

What we want to know and why.

What we do with it once we know it.

What you can and can’t tell us, and how to edit and update what you’ve already told us.

We’ve worked really, really hard to dumb it down, but quite frankly this is the internet. So if you don’t know what a cookie is, or that you’re using a browser, you should probably do some fucking research, because we’re not trying to teach “Things you should learn in 2003″ here. We’re, uh, we’re from the future here at Google. Really learn this shit, and then let us know if you have questions, except questions that we’ve already answered. Those are the worst.

On March 1, Google rolls out a new terms of service across all its services. They told you it was important, but you didn’t read it. I translated it line-for-line into PG-13 straight talk so you’ll actually pay attention. I also translated the new privacy policy.

‘Sup!

Thanks for using our Services. We love it when you use our Services! In case you’re wondering, the magic happens at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States.

Oh, hey, by the way, since you’re using out Services, you’ve already agreed to some rules. Which rules? These rules! So read them. We want you to know the rules, obviously, because if you break them, you’re fucked whether or not you’ve read them.

Our shit does practically everything. Seriously man, it’s really fucking incredible how much you can do with Google, and sometimes we have extra rules for our most powerful stuff. You can find those rules in those places. Follow the rules, or else don’t play with our toys — that seems straightforward, no?