(Closed) Does taking time to think about being right together usually end in breaking up?

I posted a few days ago about my significant other and I both being scared to move forward and get married since we are both post divorce about 2 years. We love each other very much but out viewa on many important issues are differnt. We have compromised a lot and have worked through most if these things. About 6 montha ago I agonized if we were really right for each other and could handle the diffeences I in ally came to the conclusion we could. I ha brought stuff up over the months saying “maybe we are too differnt” he always talked me out of it and encouraged out relationship and always said we are both in our 40s and we just aren’t gunna find someone who matches up 100 percent and that we have more in common than not and we got along great. I did come to feel this way too. The past few months the diffeences seemed to be coming out again. We kept moving through then and being commited to make it work. He has been very stressed with work and many issues with his employees and his businesses. He hasn’t pulled back really it just seemed his go out of his way attitude to make me happy wasn quite as much as usual. I had been under stress of selling my home from my previoua marriage which has been rough as it was my dream home. We both kept saying once it sells and his business settles we felt things would fall back into place. Last week we were together and he was telling me how stressed he is and how he is where I was those months ago worrying if we can make it for the long run with our differences. I told him I could just give him some time to figure it out and would step back. He said maybe a few days would help him regroup but he didn’t want to take a long time. He then broke down and cried telling me he feels so unsure of himself and that his businesses are stacking up and his responsibilities are driving hi crazy and how guilty he had been feeling knowing he kept wondering about us and he was terrified of getting another divorce and he just didn’t think he would survive another. He said I looked so sad he felt terrible and wished he had kept these doubts to himself. That he was feeling he couldn’t count in himsled to make any rational decisions right now. We both cried and I told him I would give him time to figure it out. He said he still wants to talk every day and even said ” why don’t we get a massage together tomorrow and relax”. I just said we could keep in constant contact and figure this out. So I left and we saif we would be in tough every couple of days. This was about 6 days ago. I am dying I miss him so much and am so afraid he will be too afraid or conclude we are too different. I hate I put this idea in his head worrying about it when he was confident. We have talked every other day briefly since then. He was cheerful and being positive. I had talked with his business mgr Who he is close to and she told me he had talked with her and that he knew we couldn’t date forever and that at this point we need to decide about going the next step. She told me exactly what he told me about he was worried about the differences leading to another divorce. She said bottom line he is terrified of it happening again and he is just afraid to move forward. She told me to still contact him every couple of days or he would think I’m just tired of messing with him. So I texted and asked how he was yesterday. He finally called me after about 8 hours of no reply. He has never done that. he always answered in an hour or so even if just to day he was busy. He said he has been tied up with a patients records all day that was going to court. I knew he had this coming up. But he just sounded really sad and told me he felt awful and had been working to death on the business mess and this case going to court. He said he still just felt totally overwhelmed in life right now and he was gunna try to get a good nights sleep and hoped to call me again later today. So I’m terrified he’s just going to think he can’t handle all this pressure and just let us go since he can’t do anything about his work life being so stressful. I know he loves me to death but I have known how hard his divorce hit him. I know he’s afraid and I’m afraid he will let that fear take over. So have any of you been here? Particularly after divorce? I know men are more likely than woman to really be afraid to move to that level of marriage again. But I feel like in dying inside and can’t imagine this ending. I just wish I hadn’t worried him and let things be. If you took some time apart how long did it take to think it through? I just want to go to his house and cuddle up in his arms and it be like it was. should I try to go talk face to face or let him be the one to always call or initiate any meeting?

I just think that the pair of you are a couple whose relationship perhaps in theory shouldn’t work but in practice very definitely does.

This is cause for a celebration. Vive la difference!

However, you both come with a lot of baggage in terms of fear of being hurt and it is this that is causing one of the two main problems. The differences themselves aren’t the problem. It is simply the fear of stepping out into the unknown and risking being hurt again.

The thing is that if you both married similar people you would run exactly the same risks. It just wouldn’t feel as though you were running the same risks.

The second main problem is your SO’s tendency to overworking. I know that (as said in a previous thread) he would like to retire quite soon but in reality maybe he just needs to be more relaxed about it and spend more money for fun, preferably on you.

A decade ago I had a life threatening illness. Since then I’ve not saved as much as I should but I have enjoyed life. Chances for happiness don’t come along every day and who knows what will happen tomorrow so one should take chances and opportunities when they arise.

Thanks so much for the reply. You have many good points and I have thought of those myself. You are right. he does work too much. Im not sure how he can step back given he owns these companies. But I suppose he could delegate more responsibilities. He likes the security of making as much as he can, and living on very little. He always says it could all be gone tomorrow, and by living this way he would still survive. He grew up very poor, and has always worked very hard. He first became an electrical enginner, then wanted to make more and have more oportunities, so he then went back to school and became a doctor. I think this fear that he has to make more and have more security is huge to him. But Im with you. life is short and you never know what it will hand you. My daughter has a life treatening disease, and we came close to losing her several times. So I have a much differnent outtook. Money is just money, enjoy life, and those you love, becaouse tomorrow is not a promise. Why die with a ton of money and never allow yourself to enjoy it. He is coming around and talks of getting a vacation house to enjoy rather than just buying a bigger house here. Which I could go with, so we are both growing and figuring out new ways in life.

twu123: You actually can date forever if you like. I know of several couples that started dating in their forties, never married and are still together and very happy 20 years later. i don’t know why they chose not to marry but I am sure they had reasons. I think it is different if there are children involved.