Hashtag-America in hashtag-2014 is a place where you can turn on your TV and watch former athletes who are now way out of shape wear jerseys emblazoned with their respective weights — 366, 388, 263, 301, you get the idea — as personal trainers exhort them to lift medicine balls and run on treadmills.

And better yet: It's all for your viewing pleasure! Because you are an American citizen and this is why we fight the wars, baby.

The 16th season of NBC's The Biggest Loser premieres Thursday at 8 p.m. ET and orbits around a storied sports trope: The ex-athlete gone to seed. Included in the cast of 20 contestants who will compete to lose the most weight are mostly former high school and semi-pro athletes you probably won't recognize.

Then there are the big names: Zina Garrison, who won a gold medal in tennis at the 1988 Olympics and made the 1990 Wimbledon singles final; Lori Harrigan-Mack, owner of three Olympic gold medals and the first softball player in Olympic history to pitch a no-hitter; Damien Woody, a two-time Super Bowl champ and 12-year NFL veteran; and Scott Mitchell, who played 12 years as an NFL quarterback and used to hand the ball off to Barry Sanders.

Appropriately enough, NBC calls the season "Glory Days," which brings us to the Bruce Springsteen interlude portion of this post. We'll now let the Boss take it away with his 1984 hit.

Now there's a video that's aged well. Here are a few particularly notable moments:

When Bruce dusts off home plate at 0:15 and you know it's about to go down.

When Steven Van Zandt does his weirdo wiggle-dance at 0:45 while looking like Keith Richards and Johnny Depp's long-lost pirate brother.

That old-school TV set at 1:31. The way we once lived, right? So primitive.

The part at 2:20 with Bruce ruminatin' about the ole glory days on the ole construction job site while pensively grippin' an orange as if it's a baseball.

Patti Scialfa's inspired tambourine playing on the backbeat from about 2:43 to 2:55.

Now here's Scott Mitchell wearing his number 366 jersey for The Biggest Loser.

Image: NBC

Mitchell is up about 130 pounds since his playing day, according to this interview, while Woody has put on nearly 50 pounds. Woody, it must be noted, also once sported his New York Jets jersey and a kilt in a fashion show for charity, leading to this amazing photo that looks like the byproduct of some weird ménage à trois between Braveheart, Run DMC and NFL football.

NFL player Damien Woody attends the 7th Annual 'Dressed To Kilt' charity fashion show to kick off Tartan Week in 2009 in New York.

Image: Evan Agostini/Associated Press

Both Mitchell and Woody mention in their show bios that a primary motivation to shed pounds is becoming healthier for their kids. Other overweight contestants on the show have similarly poignant stories about gaining pounds and wanting to lose them. They'll be guided along on the show by host Allison Sweeney and a quartet of trainers.

Given the stakes for many of the show's once-athletic contestants — happiness, even life and death — expect some inspiring moments.

It might even be entertaining at times. It might get inspiring, it might get depressing. It will definitely get weird. You might find yourself on the couch saying, "What am I doing here?" The people being beamed into your living room will probably be asking themselves the same thing.

Then again, all of the above applies to most of reality TV in general. And Hashtag-America, too. What a time to be alive!

Sports Fails

1. Golf Cart Fail

This runaway vehicle wreaked minor on-field havoc following a high school football championship in Texas last December. But a heroic bystander hopped aboard and put on the brakes.

No casualties occurred, and the clip immediately became Internet legend.

2. Penalty Kick Fail

Watch out for the ricochet, goalie! This kid gets it in the right in the chops.

3. Mascot on Rollerblades Fail

What happens when you put an inflatable dinosaur on rollerblades and ask it to skate down a flight of stairs? Amazingness, that's what.

4. Flopping Fail

In sports, to "flop" is to exaggerate the force of contact in hopes of drawing a favorable call from officials. But you've got to time it much, much better than this guy does.

5. Hockey Celebration Fail

Apparently, if you hug a member of the opposite team after scoring a goal in hockey, you will get punched in the face.

6. Innocent Bystander Fail

This kid is just in the wrong place at the wrong time...to the benefit of the rest of us.

7. Representing Your School Fail

College football mascots are supposed to represent their schools in a fun, positive light — which doesn't typically include picking fights. Here, the University of Oregon's duck slams the University of Houston's cougar.

Bonus points for the sick elbow drop, though.

8. Weightlifting Fail

Not saying we could successfully lift 432 pounds above our heads, but dang, that looks painful.

German weightlifter Matthias Steiner dropped this massive barbell on his neck during the London Olympics this summer, but escaped serious injury.

9. Trampoline Dunk Fail

Sometimes, when you fail, you actually win.

10. Hurdling Fail

Why jump over hurdles when you could just RUN STRAIGHT THROUGH THEM?

File under: Never, Ever Gets Old.

11. Paying Attention Fail

After what could best be described as an "optimistic" shot attempt in a game last season, NBA center JaVale McGee showed some nice hustle getting back on defense. Only problem? His team still had the ball.

12. Judgment Fail

But that wasn't McGee's only legendary moment. Here, he shows why it's not a good idea to try dunking from the free throw line mid-game.

13. Olympic Promo Fail

For some reason, London's Olympic promotions this summer involved hanging Mayor Boris Johnson on a zipline while waving a pair of tiny flags.

Then he got stuck halfway through and it was pretty much the best, funniest, awkwardest thing that could have happened.

14. Grand Slam Celebration Fail

Major Leaguer Kendry Morales broke his lower left leg while celebrating a game-winning grand slam in 2010. This edited video provides the before, during and after rundown.

15. Slam Dunk Fail

See? White guys can jump? It's just the landing that's the hard part.

16. High Dive Fail

The announcer here sums it up perfectly. She calls this attempt from the 1992 Olympics "an absolute failed dive."

17. Piggyback Ride Fail

What begins as an innocent enough piggyback ride atop a fuzzy mascot turns into a pretty epic collision — and YouTube gold.

18. Long Jump Fail

Dude! If you're gonna pump up the crowd like that, you can't just faceplant into the sand.

19. Touchdown Celebration Fail

When you think about it, is there any better way to celebrate a touchdown than by pegging an unsuspecting spectator in the face? Bonus points for originality, at least.

20. Pro Golfer Fail

You'd think a professional golfer could put the ball in the hole with less than 16 strokes. Kevin Na — and the rest of the world — found out otherwise on this par-four hole at the 2011 Valero Texas Open.

21. Head-First Slide Fail

Well, that's one way of doing it...right?

22. Time Management Fail

Tie game, clock winding down — it's always better to get one last attempt up than just let the game go into overtime. A full court desperation heave with a 11 seconds to go is never the way to do it, however.

This classic gaffe by the University of Connecticut's Roscoe Smith came during a matchup of top teams in 2011.

23. Boogie Boarding Fail

Its veracity may be suspect, but this 2008 YouTube classic has more than 12.7 million views, despite a mind-numbing soundtrack.

24. Sportsmanship Fail

The summer of 2011 was a tough time for NBA star LeBron James. It was full of lingering ill-will for his decision to the leave the Cleveland Cavaliers and snarky schadenfreude over his initial failure to win a championship with the Miami Heat.

So it makes perfect sense that he'd let off some steam by viciously dunking on a tiny kid at summer camp, right? That's what happens at the 0:43 mark of this video.

25. Standing on a Basketball Hoop Fail

We're not quite sure why this mascot thought standing on top of a basketball rim was a good idea.

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