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Column: Cell phones just want to fly away

The phone wasn’t always an item that needed to be worshiped in order to be used.

A time once existed when people didn’t have to lift their phones way up toward the heavens in order for them to work, or more specifically, get a signal. Back in those days, if one had tried this maneuver, the phone simply would have responded by strangling its owner with the whirly cord that kept it tied firmly to the Earth.

It was a violent period in human/phone history.

Now, phones are less violent but more demanding. Sort of like Mike Tyson.

If they don’t happen to like an area, they shut off. “Take me to Bermuda next time, buddy,” the dejected phone tells the man who is confused as to why it decided to stop working halfway through Iowa.

If they are used too much, they supposedly give you brain tumors. Lately, these reports have been heard less frequently. Lately, cell phone companies have become larger and more powerful. Next month, my cell phone bill is going to be incredibly high.

They have also become highly sophisticated. One can play games, send e-mail, download music and take photographs with an above-average phone these days. Sadly, my phone is incapable of taking photographs. This makes it feel depressed because it knows all the cool cell phones have cameras, and it doesn’t want to sit at the lunch table with the phonograph and the Atari talking about Star Trek. They have not yet created Paxil for cell phones. I’ve heard it’s in the works.

But mostly, they like to be worshipped, to be held high in the sky while waiting to connect to that guy or girl who mistakenly gave you his or her number after a few too many drinks.

Don’t get too comfortable with your phones, though. Now that they are free of their cords, phones wish to go even higher than the reach of the average human arm.

Some scientists believe that phones will eventually follow the path of the dinosaurs and evolve into birds. Humans would be forced to catch one of these birds, give it a message and hope it makes it to that guy or girl who doesn’t really want to talk much anyway.