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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Literature schmiterature

Survey Question: What's your favorite lunch?Remington: A sandwich and a good book...I only eat the sandwich.

I used to read a lot. Then I went to high school and college, where I also had to read a lot, but it wasn't fun. Up until recently, I really only read books that Katie sent me...'cause hey, free books.

Then I started my current job and I discovered that reading a book at work makes the time seem to go a lot faster and my co-workers tend to bother me much, much less (or maybe they still try to bother me, but it's easier to ignore them).

About two weeks ago, I noticed the book Confessions of a Video Vixen lying on the desk of the chick who sits next to me. Having temporarily run out of reading material, I picked it up and began reading it. I'd heard about the book some time ago because its author, Karrine Steffans, had caused somewhat of an uproar in hip-hop circles, by revealing information that the rap industry would rather have kept secret (i.e. rappers love to have sex with bitches...I know, I was shocked too!)

This cautionary tale/memoir reminded me of another controversial book I yoinked away from the desk of a co-worker months ago. I thought it would be fun to see how the two of them stacked up side to side... (um scroll down, what the shit is up with that?!)

Confessions of a Video Vixen

A Million Little Pieces

Protagonist:

Karrine "Superhead" Steffans

James "Gotcha, Bitch!" Frey

EDGE: James Frey. Although the nickname "Superhead" leaves very little to the imagination, I'd still pay money (about $3.50) to see James Frey go back on to Oprah just one more time and say "It's not what's gotten into me. It's what's gotten into Oprah...my seed, son!"

Cover Artwork:

See picture above

See picture above

EDGE: Tought call. One cover looks like a hand covered in delicious candy sprinkles. The other cover is a sultry brown lady. Hmmm, I like candy and I like black people. Oh wait, the "candy" is supposed to be drugs and the "lady" is actually a ho. So, neither.

Page Count:

224 (with large print, wide margins, and pictures!)

448

EDGE: Superhead. Although I have a vivid imagination and could probably conjure up a vision of what a "video vixen" might look like, it really helps when there are some pictures to go by. Also, you have to give it up for someone who throws in about 20 pages of photos like, "Eh, I don't feel like writing today, here are some pics. See? I wasn't kidding. Hooooo..."

Synopsis:

A young girl from the Virgin Islands moves to the states with her abusive mother, awful things happen, she moves to AZ to live with her pops, runs away, becomes a stripper, gets beat the fuck up by a rapper, decides that fucking rappers and athletes is the key to success, makes a movie with Vin Diesel, fucks Vin Diesel...and a bunch of other dudes, until finally finding redemption after a night of Hennessy and a bad Ecstacy pill given to her by one of Ja Rule's boys.

White kid from the suburbs awakens on a plane missing teeth and covered in puke and blood. His parents pay for him to go to rehab, where he meets all sorts of addicts, works on controlling "The Fury" and mouths off to authority figures, finally finding solace in the Tao Te Ching

EDGE: Karrine Steffans. C'mon "The Fury"?! That sounds more like a rough night after some bad mexican food...

Personal Demons:

Drugs, alcohol...and suckin dick for money

Drugs and alcohol

EDGE: James Frey. This is going on the assumption that he's really kicked his drug and alcohol habit. Karrine Steffans, on the other hand, just loves cock so much, she does it for free now...yes, free jewelry, money and fame.

Feat of Strength:

Gave Kool G Rap head until her nose bled

Dental work sans anesthesia

EDGE: Tie. I wouldn't be keen on doing either.

Moral Support:

Rapper/actor/OG Ice T

His friend "Leonard"

EDGE: ??? Shit, for all I know, Ice T is "Leonard".

Love Interest(s):

Just about any and everyone who's ever been in The Source, Vibe, XXL, the NBA or on MTV, BET, UPN, The WB...and Bill Maher (not in the book, but sad nonetheless)

A recovering crackwhore named "Lilly"

EDGE:Frey. "Lilly" is quite the tragic figure, but reading a description of Fred Durst's junk makes me want to dry heave for daaaaays.

First Item on Post-redemption To-do List:

Suck off Usher in the back of a limo

Hit up a bar for a game of pool

EDGE: Usher, I guess. These people are crazy.

What I "Learned":

Diversify your portfolio.

If you want to make People Think, use Capitalization.

EDGE:Karrine Steffans. She never mentioned that in the book, but she should really think about it. Her dumb ass wouldn't have gotten into so much trouble if she had stayed in school and gotten a part-time job instead of becoming a stripper after her dad cut back on her allowance when she was 16.

FINAL TALLY:

Confessions of a Video Vixen: 4A Million Little Pieces: 4Usher: 1

Well then, it looks like there's no clear winner. We may have to go to Oprah for the tie-breaker...

Or you can just wait for my memoir, The Lebrookski Story (as told to André who typed this bitch up, yo!).