The title of this blog has been sourced from R.K.Narayan's 'Salt and Sawdust'. 'Table talk', according to R.K.Narayan, is a form of writing without the compulsion of an argument or conclusion, on any theme and without too definite a form. The table is set!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Entertainment redefined..

This monsoon, we are going to have showers with a 'K'. Come July, NDTV's much awaited entertainment channel in partnership with Karan Johar rolls out.

I happened to lay my hands on some manuscripts of Nostradamus' writings, which had clear pointers to the kind of watershed(water closet?) this 'NDTV K-JO' channel could be.

Yes, the channel will be named ' NDTV K-JO’.

I don’t know which one among the cerebral publications, Times of India and Filmfare coined the name 'K-Jo' to describe the macho Mr. Johar, but as it always happens with these papers, the name sounds highly original. Media analysts speaking on NDTVs 'India questions...' program concluded that the name 'K-Jo' is a natural and spontaneous offshoot of the love people have for the director. The 'journalist' hosting the program snatches the mike from a guy in the audience when starts talking about somobody called Jenneifer Lopez.

Now, I dont really want to broach on the kind of daily soaps that will be aired on ' NDTV K-JO’, but be sure that even Karan Johar would find it tough to outdo Ekkta KKapourr in churning out tele-feces. Reports say that the first serial to start shooting for the channel has the working title 'Maang mein Sindhoor, Pati, Puja aur Pyar'-MSP3.

Inspired by the huge popularity that 'Big Brother' managed to achieve, a similar program takes off on 'NDTV K-JO'.

The set for this program is almost 10 times the size of the house used for 'Big Brother'. As we all know, the one who survives 10 days in the house without being evicted wins.

The show has the most happening stars on board - Vivek Mushran, Mayoori Kango, Atul Agnihotri, Arun Govil, Juhi Babbar, Esha Deol and Dukro, a piglet hailing from the Enugu state of Nigeria. Seven days into the show, no one gets evicted. To get things moving, Shilpa Shetty is roped in. One by one, all the 'stars' leave the show voluntarily. On the final day, the Nigerian Pig Dukro gets evicted when Shilpa Shetty uses the most lethal weapon she possessed - she sits in front of the camera and weeps for 4 hours, all the while complaining how the pig called her 'the ugliest creature on the show'. The audience evicts the pig.

But this sparks off a widespread debate across the nation. Intelligent followers of Indian television felt that had the pig called Shilpa Shetty something like "the most annoying" or "the biggest pain in the ass", it would have sounded fair. But to call her the biggest eyesore?! I mean, Esha Deol and Juhi Babbar were around in the show, weren't they?

The Sunday prime time slot is booked for 'Screenwriting classes with Sooraj Barjatya'. In the first episode, Sooraj Bharjatya discloses the secret behind his tremendous success in making dogs act in his movies. "You cannot force them to act. You have to create such an atmosphere for the dog that it identifies with you.....It should feel that it is a part of your 'Parivaar'. Let me give you a demo".. Sooraj Bharjatya then leads his dogs to his garden, takes off his pants, lifts his left leg up and starts peeing all over the plants. All the dogs imitate him....Karan Johar, with tears in his eyes, says " see...this is the power of love".

"People are fed up of watching stupid game shows, they will be really excited once they see what we have in store for them" says Karan Johar, talking about his 'Karva Chauth' tournament..."whoever performs the best 'Karva Chauth' and touches my heart the most, wins". A guy named Rahul wins the tournament for 'touching' the masculine Mr.Johar the most, in various places.

Then there is a weekly program on the making of Karan's new movie..."I cannot go back to making mushy love stories, you know. I have tasted blood with 'KANK'..I am gonna delve deeper into human relations with my next film - 'Spank'"....The half hour program has exclusive shots of the 40 crore set for the hero's house. This is the house where the hero (spelt S-H-A-H R-U-K-H) chases the heroines to spank them while his mother runs behind him screaming "beta..maa kaa aasheervaad nahi loge?"..."I have tried to be as true as possible to my script" says Karan Johar, "the song 'spank me mahive, spank me soniye' will have 800 dancers, all dressed in jock straps desinged by Manish Malhotra"..

NDTV launches a television debate on this movie with Barkha Dutt asking everyone "Why can't we accept bold themes??..Is India not ready for this?". The panelists include Javed Akhtar, Shabana Azmi and Suhel Seth - all three on NDTV's 'Expert Panelist' payroll.

Opinion polls are conducted all over India to find out what people expect form the channel (with special focus on places like Gurgaon, Faridabad and Chandigarh). Three respondents named Neha, Shikha and Sameer, interviewed in a shopping mall in Gurgaon, said they were eagerly waiting for this channel to come on air. They felt, with the 'emotional, sensitive and hip' K-Jo at the helm, the channel would mirror the ‘combination of traditional and modern values’ that India represents. They hoped that their fashion icons like Zayed khan and Shahid kappoor will be given a lot of coverage in the channel. The three of them were seen next, going into a beauty salon in the mall to get their hair streaked bronze and gold, Kareena Kapoor style.

Chennai has CAS. And the ‘arasangam’ here decides on what people should watch. Looks like I will be one of those unlucky ones to miss out on NDTV K-JO.