Prize

Summary:

For the prompt: In which the real reason everything is fucked is because John is evil. We're talking pure fucking evil here, makes Jack Noir look like a girl scout, made all the more potent by the fact that John was a really nice guy up until the point where he literally tore someone into pieces.

Notes:

Work Text:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: JOHN.CG: WHAT THE HELLEB: hey, karkat!CG: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO.EB: oh, right.... i forgot about the viewport.EB: i was going to talk to you about this later!EB: i didn't really get it at first,EB: but i was thinking about what you said, and i decided that you were right!CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY.CG: WAS IT, HEY JOHN, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN MISSING AROUND HERE?CG: ASSHOLES LOSING THEIR SHIT AND GOING ON MURDER SPREESCG: DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THIS PROBLEM.CG: OH MY GOD.EB: noooooo.....EB: it was the last conversation we had before meeting up.EB: or i guess the first one, for you.EB: about being tyrants, remember?EB: you were going to be gods, and have an entire universe as your plaything.EB: that does sound pretty sweet!CG: OH MANCG: OH GODCG: WHY IS PAST ME SUCH A GRUBFUCKING IDIOT.CG: IF I EVER MEET HIM I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY SICKLE THROUGH HIS BRAIN SPONGE.EB: karkat! i think you need to stop being so hard on yourself.EB: you're a pretty great guy!CG: NOCG: NO NO NO NOCG: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU.EB: oh. because you still haaate me?CG: NO.CG: I MEAN YES, I HATE YOU.CG: EVERY TIME I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT POSSIBLE,CG: IT TURNS OUT GOD TOOK ANOTHER DUMP SO BIG EVEN HE COULDN'T FLUSH ITCG: AND ADDED IT TO THE JOHN EGBERT PILECG: YOU ARE A SHIT SINGULARITY SET TO SWALLOW ALL OF PARADOX SPACECG: AND I'M TRAPPED CIRCLING THE EVENT HORIZON TO THE LOAD GAPER OF YOUR EXISTENCE.EB: ew!CG: BUT IN THIS CASE YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE YOU ARE SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.CG: IN RETROSPECT, YOUR WEIRD INFATUATION WITH ME TROLLING YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WARNING THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU.CG: FUCK.EB: but i told you, bro! i'm not infatuated with you.EB: we're just buddies!CG: FUCK THAT.CG: AND FUCK YOU FOR TYPING THAT.CG: AND FUCK ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE DEFINITION OF EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES.CG: I GUESS I MISSED THE SMALL PRINT ON THE SHITTY EARTH HUMAN LABEL.CG: WARNING: HAVING EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES MAY LEAD TO YOUR OXYGEN PROCESSING SACKS EXPLODING FROM YOUR TORSO.CG: DO NOT USE IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR EARTH HUMAN BUDDY MAY FLIP OUT AND SPLATTER YOUR MUTANT COLOURED ORGAN MEATS ALL OVER THE ABANDONED LAB YOU'RE HIDING IN.EB: siiiiiigh.EB: yeah, i feel bad about how messy that was.EB: but i had to do it quick! if he escaped, it's really hard to predict what would have happened!CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO KILL YOUR TIME PLAYER.CG: I DON'T GET IT.CG: PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GONE INSANE.CG: DID YOU THINK THE EXTRA CHANCES WOULD MAKE FACING DOWN AN OMNIPOTENT INDESTRUCTIBLE DEMON TOO BORING OR SOMETHING?EB: but we still have a time player. aradia!EB: and she's god tier- that's way higher than dave is.EB: ooops.EB: "was."EB: hehehe!CG: OH GOD OH GODEB: sorry dude. this is why i wanted to talk to you later. it's kind of hard to explain!EB: but rose figured out why we can't enter the new universe jade made.EB: it's because the game is supposed be won by a single session.EB: we have all these players with the same powers, so it doesn't know what to make of us.EB: but once we only have one of each, we should finally be able to claim our prize!EB: it's going to be great!CG: BUT WHY TIME. WE'VE GOT OTHER DUPLICATES.CG: WHY NOT START WITH THE PSYCHO LIGHT BITCHES.CG: I NOTICE ROSE IS STILL IN THE FARTHEST RING DOING HER CREEPY GOTH THING, AND VRISKACG: ...CG: JUST A MINUTECG: I NEED TOCG: ...OH FUCK. SHE'S NOT ANSWERING.EB: yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........CG: OH GOD.CG: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER. YOU WERE THE ONLY FUCKING ONE.CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUGFUCK NUTS BECAUSE YOU LIKED HER.CG: HA HA HA HA HACG: JOKE'S ON ME.CG: YOUR PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT MUST BE SHATTERING ITS METER.CG: PURPLE RECTANGLES CARVED FROM PUREST BULLSHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE.EB: hehehehe! yeah, it's pretty full right now.EB: anyway, i did like her!EB: but rose has more useful talents, even if she's not god tier.EB: we need a seer more than a thief,EB: and vriska was kind of untrustworthy, even when she tried not to be.EB: no offense!CG: WHAT THE HELL.CG: ARE YOU EVEN READING WHAT YOU'RE TYPING.CG: OR IS THAT A THING BATSHIT PSYCHO MURDERERS GET TO OPT OUT OF NOW.CG: WAIT.CG: "A SEER."CG: OH GODCG: OH MANEB: what?CG: JOHN.CG: I NEED TOCG: JUST TELL ME. ARE YOU CULLING OUR DUPLICATE CLASSES AS WELL AS ASPECTS?EB: hahaha! don't worry, bro, there's only one knight left in this game.EB: but no, rose didn't say anything about the classes.EB: i guess i will ask her later, when i tell her what i am up to!CG: OKAY.CG: THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY REASSURING.CG: BUT OKAY FOR NOW.CG: LET'S WAIT FOR ROSE TO COME BACK.CG: PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON FOR THE KILLING RAMPAGE AND COME BACK TO IT LATER.CG: HAVE AN INTERMISSIONCG: GIVE ME A CHANCE TO USE THE LOAD GAPERCG: AND GET A GRUBSAUCE REFILLCG: AND CURL UP IN THE CORNERCG: AND FLIP THE FUCK OUT SO BADLY I CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A SHITTY METAPHOR FOR IT.EB: oh, yeah, i can feel that you're hyperventilating a bit.EB: here! i can help you with that!CG: NO DON'TCG: DSF;LKHASCG: ARRGHHHEB: wow, troll lungs sure are different from human ones.CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOINGCG: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP ITCG: FUCKCG: PLEASECG: STOPEB: are you feeling better yet, buddy?CG: IF I SAY YES WILL YOU STOPEB: of course! i was just getting a little concerned.EB: it would really suck if you passed out from lack of oxygen.EB: but don't worry, you've got the heir of breath looking out for you!EB: hehehehe!CG: OH GODEB: anyway, i'm about three minutes from your room, so maybe we should continue this conversation in person?CG: YOU ARE?CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKEB: well, yeah, karkat. we had plans to watch movies tonight.EB: i know you didn't forget, because you were messaging me all day about how shitty my movies always are!CG: RIGHT. UH.CG: YOU KNOW WHATCG: SOMETHING CAME UP.CG: THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.CG: TONIGHT IS REALLY BAD FOR ME AFTER ALL.CG: CAN WE CANCEL?EB: i guess...EB: i just think it would be a bad idea!EB: i brought failure to launch, with matthew mcconaughey. i think you'll like this one!EB: and we need to talk about our space player.CG: OH FUCK KANAYA AND JADE.CG: WHICH ONE DID YOUCG: FUCK I CAN'T EVEN TYPE THIS.EB: yeah, that's what we need to talk about!EB: like, jade is really smart, and she's my best friend and sort of my sister.EB: but kanaya is an alien vampire, which is totally cool, and i guess she is also sort of your girlfriend?EB: and maybe rose's as well?EB: bluh, i still don't understand how your alien romance works.CG: I DON'T GIVE A RANCID HOOFBEAST ASSFUCK ABOUT OUR ALIEN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW.CG: AND THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING TO,CG: SO IT MUST REALLY NOT MATTER NUBGRINDING SQUAT.EB: whatever! i'm just saying i don't know enough about kanaya.EB: but you do, and you're pretty great friends with jade too.EB: so it's probably better if you decide between them!CG: OH GODCG: I CAN'T FUCKINGCG: OH GODCG: MY BRAIN HAS JUST MELTEDCG: IT'S POOLING IN MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTSCG: THE ROOM IS SPINNINGCG: I GUESS BECAUSE IT'S ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT METEOR HA HA HA HAEB: um, are you alright? it feels like you're starting to hyperventilate again.CG: NO NO I'M FINE NO NO NO FUCK YOU FUCK NOEB: look, karkat, i'm not saying you need to tell me right now.EB: i know it's a big decision!EB: so we can watch failure to launch and then one of your weird troll movies that don't make any sense!EB: and we can talk about which one is better.EB: uh, out of jade and kanaya...EB: but i guess we can talk about the movies too!CG: NO. I CAN'T DO THIS.EB: sorry, but you kind of don't have a choice!CG: NO.EB: and i brought popcorn!CG: I HATE YOU.EB: suuuure you do, karkat.EB: oh man! when we get our new universe, we need to track down its version of matthew mcconaughey and enslave him!EB: force him to star in sooo many movies!EB: i can't wait!EB: this is going to be so awesome!!!