The Achilles Heel. This phrase often refers to something that leads to a downfall. Over the past year, I’ve often questioned whether my horse affliction has become my Achilles Heel. What?! I know, I know… Let me explain. As you know, I have been obsessed with horses from the time I could talk. Many of the best times in my life have been those that involved horses. In fact horses gave me my life, in a sense. When I was young, I was invisible. Shy, awkward…I had no particular talent and shied away from being seen. When I first fell in love with Starfinder, my parents (wisely) decided her purchase would be conditional upon me entering the show arena with her. My intoxication with that horse overcame my fears and that moment was when my life changed. I learned so much about myself and I came out of my shell. And I actually was GOOD at something, for the first time in my life. Competing with horses defined ME for a long time.

Fast forward 10 years. I made a decision to give up showing to go back to school. I had a great job that afforded me the luxury of owning a horse - I gave that up too. I moved off of the farm and into the city. I had a plan and a goal, and my goal was to become educated, self-sufficient, and able to return to the life that I loved on my own terms without being dependent on my family for financial support. Thus far that dream hasn’t come to fruition. The economy tanked and now I’m stuck in a job that does not afford me the luxury of owning a horse, let alone showing one. I’m stuck in a house that is barely amenable to having active dogs, let alone fields of grass with munching horses. And I’m still clinging desperately to the one horse that I’ve managed to keep in my life.

I’ve been accused many times of not knowing when to quit. I’ve watched countless people come and go from the horse world. I’ve seen a few stick around – but those are the people that make a living at it or are incredibly wealthy. Neither of those describe me. I’m just a horse loving girl that has kept hanging on for all these years. But at what expense? I’m constantly running at a financial deficit and can’t plan for the future because of Tiny. I look at her and I see her talent wasting away as she ages before my eyes. And I’m not even “living the dream” – I’m living some B-rated version of it where Tiny lives miles away and can’t remember what grass looks like. Is there a time when you raise the white flag and surrender? Am I holding on to hope or holding on to the past? I can’t tell, but I know it breaks my heart every time I look at her. Because I know that she’s not getting any younger, and unless something dramatically changes, every day that passes is one day closer to the end of my dream.

I might sound spoiled and ungrateful (at least I HAVE a horse, right?) and that’s not how I mean to sound. I don’t regret holding on to Tiny for a second. But I wonder if it was the “right” thing to do. Would I be closer to my dream if I had let her go 8 years ago? Would she be winning National titles and being loved on by a little girl that gives her carrots every day? Would I be freer to find a job if I weren’t so bogged down with responsibilities? And would I be less stressed and happier if I weren’t under the constant strain of financial burden? Maybe by holding on to the past, I have forfeited my future. Over the past year of tumult, I have asked myself these questions over and over. And as I contemplated them again recently, it hit me. What if this is it? What if I never have those things that I dream of? It’s time for me to begin living the life I have NOW, not living for the future that might never come. Because, after all, what I’ve got isn’t really so bad….

It’s always hard to second guess ourselves and then go round and round in circles trying to make sense of our decisions past or present. In my humble opinion I think the conclusion you came to at the end of the post is what matters.

I think you and Tiny should just go out and have a good time, ride the trails, hang out, groom her, go for walks with her. If you decided to get rid of her she might not have the great career you think she would and and she may not find a kind, caring owner either. Just spending time with our horses is rewarding it’s not that important to them if they show or don’t show the thing that matters most to horses is having a person that loves them.Ultimately you will make the decision that you think is best for both of you.

Hi Arlene! I agree with you totally and for the record, I would NEVER give her up….I just question if I SHOULD. And I’m sulky because I want her with me, all the time! I feel like I’ve missed most of the past 8 years of her life. And that makes me sad. She deserves to have her nightly cuddles before bed and have the best care that I want her to have, not just someone that is caring for her to collect a board check.

It is not surprising that we second guess ourselves and our dreams if they seem futile. Maybe the dream needs to be adjusted. Or maybe with the choices at hand – make a new dream.

Maybe you can keep Tiny and enjoy what she is and who you are right now without worrying that you did her wrong. Do you suppose she would chose all the accolades and ribbons in the world over the care and love and friendship you gave her all these years…. My guess is no.

Just because you are not competing doesn’t mean that you two cannot still enjoy each other.

We tend sometimes to live in the past and while memories are great, they should not dictate the future. No, things are not what you expected them to be. I would venture that for most of us this is true.

But what you do have is a wonderful horse. Spend time with her and enjoy what you DO have with her.

Thanks for the insights, Arlene. I know you really get where I am coming from. That is what I need to work on now – restructuring my dreams so they are attainable with what I have available to me now. Beautiful comment. Thanks. =)

oh michelle, i hear such a sad tone in your writing. i am glad you wrote this though, because now perhaps your blog followers will offer a little prayer for you to find a way to be with tiny on a daily basis. i hear such sad stories of folks who do end up giving away or selling their horses and the poor things end up in the slaughter sales and their last days of their lives are torturous and full of pain. i am glad you are going to keep her. she is happy and healthy and i will pray you to find a way to be with her more often. btw, we played mon valley in volleyball regionals i believe…i am from the kiski area. best of luck and pet tiny for me!

Sorry to be a downer, Kritter. It’s just so hard to watch her getting older and not be having those daily moments with her. I would never get rid of her unless there were absolutely no other options for me. I have worked too hard to keep her these past 8 years!! But it is hard to let go of the hopes I had for us. btw, one of my closest friends in high school was a great volleyball player (me? not so much). I actually went to school in Belle Vernon, which is where I grew up. I have to look up Kiski….name rings a bell, but I can’t place where it is.

I think everyone here has given you great comments and feedback, and there really isn’t much more I can add. But I do think it is true that sometimes dreams have to be tweaked a bit – and not in the selling out kind of way, but just in a way that you are holding yourself back from happiness and enjoyment in the NOW, because you are too focused on not having what you were supposed to have, or life not being the way you thought it would be and waiting for that to come to fruition, whereas if you just let your life be as it is and go from here, the present, you would be much even happier than you thought you would be if your dreams came true the way you had planned. I don’t know if any of that made sense at all though!

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Thank you so much for all your comments. I enjoy reading each and every single one of them. Please keep them coming because I do appreciate the feedback and I apologize that I can't respond to everyone individially. See you in the blogosphere!