The wandering thoughts of a child of God, a wife, a mom to two homeschool graduates, one of which is a missionary wife bound for a foreign field, and a Grandma to the sweetest little girl! I'm a friend, a homemaker, a gardener, a woodwife of sorts, an aspiring herbalist, an artisan, crafter, and vintage gathering repurposer, the occasional writer of a fairytale or poem, lover of happy endings, somewhat of a hopeless romantic and a woman interested in traditional, sustainable skills.

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June 15, 2016

This will seem abstract to some and not make a bit of sense but these are things I've been wondering about. And thinking about and pondering because sometimes, when this happens, the results impact a lifetime...generations are affected by this and they don't know what to do with all the feelings and self-image that comes with them.

There is an anger that lurks deep in the heart. A bitter wall of longing and separation that eats at the soul and mind until an impenetrable shell with barbs and flashes of stinging words effectively exclude the very affection the heart desires. The enemy has defeated the senses, filling them with only self inspired loathing and hurt which spews from the mouth without care or discretion in an effort to cast down and belittle anyone who dares to reach out without complete abandon to the opinions and understanding of the dictator. All things done out of kindness are twisted into malicious intent...all questions into hurtful accusations...all pleas for approval and love, dashed in a topsy-turvy effort to keep ANYONE from getting inside, all the while blaming them for not caring.

Requests must be met in exact detail, immediately without any hesitation... no thought for the responsibilities of others ...no variations allowed. There is no way to understand or consider the feelings and actions of others, except to see their weakness and stupidity. No compassion, no forgiveness, no mercy, no compromise, in spite of the fact that all these things are either expected in return or believed to be unnecessary for their own hurtful actions. There is only one interpretation, only one possible meaning, one intention...to somehow hurt or take advantage of the being inside the shell. The cage that shrinks with every nasty, hurtful thing that's said in response to others who are trying to please or help until the confines have completely cut off any outside influence.

The bitterness wins.

The enemy triumphant.

The captive...alone in a prison of their own making...because of bitterness, unforgiveness, anger and hate. A pitiful multifaceted personality that can change with little provocation into a prodding, vengeful, hedgehog of a being that feels unloved because they won't allow anyone to love them.

Where did this bitterness come from? I think I know. The hurt of a parent who strikes out and takes away childhood...uses their fists and body to make people do what they want...thinks that their needs/wants are the only ones that matter. Do dictators create dictators? Are the actions of a parent responsible for forming the worldview of the children? Do personalities influence how the dictatorship affects the children? Why do some rise above while others are oppressed? Are words and actions as hurtful and influential as fists and physical domination?

Unconditional love says that even though this may be the case, we are to love anyway. How does that look? At what cost to ourselves and our family? Can we fix it? Sometimes the best we can do is love from afar. Much like the gift of salvation, love is a gift that can be accepted or rejected. Does the rejection mean the love is faulty or unreal? It's a struggle that's been raging for the biggest part of a century and as time and age take their toll, the walls become thicker and the rejection more bitter.

The irony of the situation is that the very desires of the heart are the ones that are rejected the most. It's not logical but most dealings of the heart are not ruled by logic. The downward spiral of a self defeating spirit cannot be changed from the outside...change is a heart issue that begins within.

Feedjit

What's this all about?

Keeping a journal or diary has never been easy for me. I loved the idea of it but remembering to do it daily was a problem. Then I'd feel guilty; procrastinating, thinking I'd make it up the next day only to find that a week had flown by without so much as a word from me! The worst part was that I couldn't remember some of the clever things I'd planned to say about the mundane experiences I'd had that made me...well, me. I think I'm a different person than I was all those years ago...expanding on old interests and learning new ones...teaching my little women and learning from them as well.

That time was longer ago than I care to think about. But the idea of putting down my thoughts where I can find them again has been ruminating lately so I decided to try it again in a newfangled context. What follows are the occasionally profound (said with tongue in cheek), often tedious, possibly interesting wanderings of a thoughtful mind.

Perhaps some of the musings that pass this way will inspire you, touch your heart, or brighten your day. So keep an open mind as you ponder my meanderings.

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Ponderings of others

"If I'd never met you, I wouldn't like you; and if I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you; and if I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you, but I did, I do and I will."

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous." ~Ingrid Bergman

"A true man does not need to romance a different girl every night. A true man will romance the same girl for the rest of his life." ~Ana Alas

"Love grows by giving."

"The love we give away is the only love we keep."

"The only way to retain love is to give it away." ~Elbert Hubbard

"A smile is almost always inspired by another smile." ~A

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." ~Judy Garland

"Love can make you do things that you never thought possible." ~Phil Collins

"The kiss~a sweet discovery of oneself after a long search." ~A
"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." ~Jean Anouih

"If you think you've given something your all, but your all is all about you, then you haven't truly given anything." ~A. Gimbledorf

"You don't love someone for their looks, their clothes or their fancy car but because they sing a song that only you can hear."

"Unless your heart, your soul and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness."

"Until one is commited, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness...." ~William Hutchinson Murray

"Life is confusing enough; Let's try not to muddy the waters with obscure statements that make folks scratch their heads in bewilderment." ~A. Gimbledorf

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