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Get Ducked

An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line. While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, we are always looking for new ways to improve our customer’s sleep experience. I recently received a letter in the mail that pointed out a way in which we can improve our award-winning beds.”

My husband and I both love our sleep number bed. I keep my side at 25 and he sets his side at 85. We both sleep well all the time. The only problem is that sometimes at night we like to play some “adult” games, and having both sides set to the same number for a short time would really help. Can you help us out here?

“I understand your problem. Suppose you are playing a game of ‘duck, duck, goose.'”

Switches to a shot of a man and a woman on their bed in their pajamas. The husband is sitting in the middle of the bed and the wife is behind him touching him on the head saying “duck” each time. Suddenly she yells “goose” and starts running in a small circle on the bed. The husband gets up to chase her, but once he steps on the soft side of the bed he losses his balance and flies off the bed at a 45 degree angle.

“Now who wants that to happen to them when they are getting goosed?” The man in the chair asked.

“To solve this problem we have added additional buttons to the sleep number controllers which we have called the ‘duck’ buttons. Once configured, the ‘duck on’ button will bring both sides of the bed to the same preset pressure.”

The woman and man are in bed. The man is asleep. The woman reaches over and touches him gently on the shoulder. He wakes up and looks at her. She smiles and ever so slightly raises her eyebrow. He smiles back at her. She reaches for something under the covers and pulls out a game of Jenga. They both jump out from under the covers and start setting up the game in the middle of the bed. They are about to start playing, and then she remembers to hit the ‘duck on’ button.

A different woman is sleeping in her bed. A man comes into the room. He is unshaven, has a significant pot belly, and has just finished a can of beer. The throws the empty can in the corner of the room and gets into bed. He looks over at his wife and grabs his controller to hit the ‘duck on’ button. The wife wakes up and realizes what is going on in the bed. She reaches over to her controller and hits the ‘duck off’ button. The bed returns to the original settings.

“Hitting the ‘duck off’ button can be used to express an unwillingness to play games in bed, in addition to resetting the bed at the end of the game.” the man in the chair explained. “So from everyone here at Sleep Number, have a good night sleep after you get ducked.”

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About Omar

Omar Lutfey has been running this website since 2000 (back when having your own website really meant something!). He is currently working as a delivery driver at United Parcel Service, promoting energy conservation on his website at BlackRemote.com, and participating in the Longmont Kinetics race at Kineticists.org.

Random Quips

Santa Fe:

June 6, 2014

I packed up the family last week and drove down to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.

Santa Fe was founded, according to my daughter Isabel, during the time of dinosaurs. Apparently this was a very busy time that also covered various events such as the creation of the cosmos up until sometime after the time I was born. This claim is supported by the fact that the roads were constructed before the discovery of Euclidean geometry that defined the concept of straight lines. During the initial road building the construction crews ingested liberal quantities of peyote and followed the direction of their spirit guides. This process has led to a series of city streets that curve around randomly, perform loopy-loops, and pass through dimensions that modern day scientists have been unable to recreate. Warning– using Google Maps on your cell phone may very well cause your device to catch on fire.

The city was a pretty quiet place until the arrival of the stucco mafia in the late 1800’s. The city experienced several decades of turmoil until the great drywall massacre of 1847 when the stucco mafia formed an alliance with the wind-catcher union and the trendy restaurant federation. The effects of this epic battle can still be seen today as Santa Fe is best known for endless stucco buildings, people selling wind-catchers for large sums of money built from materials scavenged from the local dump, and a barrage of food establishments which sell strange food on tiny plates that for some reason have to cost way more than seems reasonable.

Well, that about sums up everything I learned last week on vacation. Stay tuned for my next vacation trip blog tentatively titled, “Crap I found in the basement and argue with my wife about if we should throw it away.” I’ll be working on a better title for that between now and August.

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Burning Issues:

April 4, 2009

Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering the economic impact of quitting smoking.

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Kickin’ It Old School:

January 28, 2003

U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old Germany’ makes us a bit nervous.”

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Word on the Street:

November 25, 2002

Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.

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Better than the maze:

July 25, 2006

Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest – but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, “we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn’t much more than a little hole in wall– literally.”

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