Helping Children Cope With Difficulties

Failing a test, being unpopular, coping with divorce and worse. Children face many difficulties. What can we do to strengthen our children for life's challenges?

As children progress through toddler-hood they need us to be firm and set limits. This will help them build frustration tolerance.

An "anything goes" policy is harmful to children, who generally thrive in knowing there are rules to be followed and limits that must be adhered to. As difficult as it is for many of us, saying "no" to negative behaviors and building a well-structured environment with set nap times and bedtimes promotes a feeling a security and being cared for.

Learning the meaning of "not now, later" is a crucial step in a child's development of tolerance for pain.

It also promotes healthy frustration. Children learn at a young age that they cannot always have things their way. For example, a child who keeps kosher must wait a certain amount of time after eating meat before he eats milk. He has to control his desire to eat non-kosher candy in the checkout line at the supermarket. Discipline and self-control are therefore enhanced, making it easier to cope with frustration.

Learning the meaning of "in a few minutes", "later", or "not today" is another very crucial step in their development of tolerance for pain.

DON'T MAKE LIFE TOO COMFORTABLE

Let's face it. We all try, as much as we are financially able, to create a comfortable lifestyle for (ourselves and) our children. We try to satisfy their (and our) desires for toys, clothes and other material items. Setting reasonable limits in these areas and creating a distinction between what they "need" and what they "desire" is healthy for children.

Our Sages say, "Eat bread with salt, drink water in small measure, sleep on the ground, live a life of deprivation." (Pirkei Avos, "Ethics of the Fathers" 6:4) This is not a call to asceticism, but a plea for moderation. Children who grow up with every desire catered to tend to have an attitude of entitlement. They often feel, "Life owes me something." They don't know how to deal with the pain of not having what they want; they don't appreciate what they have; and they may not have a healthy level of frustration tolerance when things don't go their way.

Children who have everything don't know how to deal with the pain of not having what they want.

A specific example of not making life too comfortable would be sharing a bedroom. Many parents prefer to have separate bedrooms for each child. It certainly makes life more comfortable for the parents, who don't have to hear children bicker about who is a slob and whether the windows will be open or closed at night. Children, however, learn many important problem-solving skills by sharing a room with a sibling/s. Hopefully, they learn to share and to have sensitivity to each other's moods, neatness issues, not waking each other up needlessly, different tastes in music, etc.

In short, sharing a room with a sibling creates all sorts of potential "problems" which we really do not want to shield our children from. These "problems" are good for them and prepare them for getting along with others, for life in a college dormitory and ultimately for marriage.

HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH PAIN

When young children come to us with their problems, we often tend to feel their concerns are trivial and not worth much attention. We need to realize that, to children, their concerns are as important as our issues are to us.

Children who have been brushed off as youngsters won't seek their parents out later in life.

Parents who slough off children's problems when they are young are unwittingly setting the precedent for the future. Children who have been brushed off as youngsters learn that their parents are not the address to go to when they are in need. Parents then wonder why their children are not coming to them when they are teenagers.

Therefore when a small child is upset that somebody is making fun of him or he can't find his favorite blanket, we need to create an environment of empathy. We also must be non-judgmental and we must help the child find his own solution to the problem.

Here are some specific tips:

1. Empathize

When your child comes to you, try to feel his pain, concern, anger or frustration. The Sages say (Pirkei Avos, 6:6) that we should share our fellow's burden. Recognize how real and important his problem is to him. Help young children to recognize and name the emotion they are feeling. Acknowledge the pain without exaggerating the situation.

2. Be Non-Judgmental

If your child got yelled at in school and you ask him what he did to cause this, you immediately have judged him unfavorably. A simple "can you tell me what happened?" should start the conversation on a more positive note. Be willing to give your child the benefit of the doubt. This fulfills the commandment of "You shall judge your fellow man with righteousness" (Leviticus 19:15), which obligates us to give a person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps the teacher was up all night with her baby and was unusually low on patience that day. Listen without making any judgments about the child's behavior or character. Don't jump in immediately with advice, rebuke, or solutions. Listen quietly and thoughtfully and try to feel what your child is feeling. (Note that small children with small problems need more immediate resolution, including rebuke or punishment if necessary. Older children require more thoughtfulness.)

3. Allow Children To Find Their Own Solutions

Children are not always looking for us to help them find solutions to their problems. They just need to ventilate. We may be hindering their ability to solve their problems by jumping in with our solutions. Wait to see if they can come up with their own ideas first. Look to see if they are really soliciting your advice. Of course, if you think a child's solution is damaging to himself or others you have the responsibility to engage him in a discussion about it. You might ask, "Can we talk a little about what you are planning to do about this?" Or "You might want to think about a few things before you make your decision."

4. Offer A Frame Of Reference

Judaism teaches that all our problems or difficulties are opportunities for growth. The situations we are in are not coincidental. God knows what challenges we need in order to become stronger, more refined human beings.

God knows what challenges we need in order to become stronger, more refined human beings.

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto, in his classic work The Path of the Just, says, "Man is veritably placed in the midst of a raging battle. For all the affairs of the world, whether for the good or for the bad, are trials to a man..." Our forefather Abraham had 10 major tests, the most famous being the near sacrifice of his son Isaac. Furthermore, we are taught that tests are a sign of God's love and caring to help us reach our full potential and gain the maximum reward.

If parents have this attitude about their own problems and discuss them in this context (when appropriate) with their children, it will introduce children to a different way to handling life's challenges. For example, a parent might say "I think I know why God put me in this set of circumstances. It is such a test of my patience (or determination, self-restraint etc.) and I really need to grow in this." This will teach the child to also look for reasons why a certain problem has surfaced in their lives.

Looking for the opportunities for growth puts a very positive spin on problems and teaches children to be optimistic and proactive instead of wallowing in pain or self-pity.

Determining when is the right time to talk to your child about what she is going through -- and the larger question of "why" -- is very individual. Usually the moment of high emotion is not the right time. Later, when the child is calm she will be more receptive to a discussion of what there is to learn from the experience.

IN CONCLUSION

Help young children develop frustration and pain tolerance by setting limits and not being afraid to say "no."

Don't indulge your child in a life of comfort.

Create a relationship in which children will feel comfortable coming to you with their problems.

Treat small children's trivial problems with appropriate seriousness.

Empathize

Be non judgmental

Empower children to find their own solutions when ever possible.

Offer a frame of reference for dealing with problems which encourages consciousness of the opportunities for growth.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Chana Heller, MSW, is the mother of five children and grandmother to many. She works for Aish Los Angeles as Director of JWI - Jewish Women’s Initiative. She is married to Rabbi Dov Heller, a psychotherapist and teacher at Aish LA.

Visitor Comments: 11

(11)
Mike,
October 12, 2013 7:44 PM

You cannot treat trivial problems seriously

"Treat small children's trivial problems with appropriate seriousness" as noted in your conclusion is in my opinion a problem. By definition trivial problems should not be taken seriously. Do not trivialize the problems of a youngster or you will never hear the problem of the teenager before it 's too late.

(10)
Carolyn,
February 9, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank you

This is just what I needed today; I came home from a difficult time at my child's Sunday school, clicked on Aish.com and searched articles for children. I need to be more forgiving and to let my son be himself and trust G-d that he will succeed. Thank you.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2001 12:00 AM

Wonderful

A lovely article. Obviously spoken by one who has "been there."
There certainly are no shortage of examples of the things parents do that contradict what they say. Your examples point that out well.
The same is true for the ideas given to enhance honesty or whatever "character trait" we are trying to instill.
thank you for an insightful article

(8)
Michael Stein,
February 16, 2001 12:00 AM

This article will help with my 3 year old.

Great article...thanks for the insight!

(7)
Anonymous,
November 18, 2000 12:00 AM

Excellent article. Wish I had that wisdom 13 years ago.

(6)
Michael,
November 18, 2000 12:00 AM

I liked Chana Heller's article a lot.
It is true to life that however wealthy
we are we shouldn't create a world of comfort for children.This World of Comfort is the shield which doesn't let them see real life and which brings up brats.However modesty in everything and
guided exposure to the real life teach
children thing they need to now to
be thoughtful and reasonable individuals.

(5)
Allan Levine, Ph. D.,
November 16, 2000 12:00 AM

Valuable and incisive suggestion on helping children cope.

Rebbetzin Chana Heller's advice sounds most valuable. Her practical and clear examples make this useful in a "hands-on" manner. I greatly appreciate the chance to learn from her wisdom.

(4)
Anonymous,
November 15, 2000 12:00 AM

Great Article

Thank you for an excellent article. I have been overprotective of a special needs child and I realize I am not helping him develop his own coping skills.

(3)
Josef Riche,
November 15, 2000 12:00 AM

moving suggestions and thoughts

I thank you for your wisdom...I will takes these school of thoughts to better understand my children (6&11)and be more sensitive to to their situations.Thanx

(2)
susan diamond,
November 13, 2000 12:00 AM

very practical, useful advice

You have offerred, practical advice that parents can implement in a variety of situations with children of any age. I plan to discuss some of these ideas with my children before I must implement them.

(1)
Dr.Sidney kardash,
November 12, 2000 12:00 AM

A very useful and meaningful commentary

My sincere thanks for a wonderful summary and guideline to help me in offering some fundamental rules to parents in my pediatric practice. Yasher chochaca----- and please continue to enlighten me with your suggestions.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

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