While I don't feel I have a small penis, I was born with crossed eyes. Very obvious for everyone to see. And I was ridiculed for it mercilessly.

After reading these threads, something dawned on me about the commonalities of our physical attributes and how CSA colors our ability to see our physical attributes.

I judged myself (and still do) pretty harshly for having such unbecoming eyes. Crossed. Ew. What a nightmare. I didn't even like looking at myself in the mirror because I would see the crossed googly eyes looking back at me. To top it off, I see double as well. So I grew up seeing images of myself fractured (doubled) because my eyes aren't aligned.

When I was being abused, there were VERY STRONG message about what was acceptable and lovable. People who are pretty are acceptable and people who are not pretty aren't. I grew up thinking this same thing and even started establishing this as criteria for who I would befriend (pretty people) and who I would not (people who were not pretty).

This also meant that because I had crossed eyes, that *I* was NOT pretty and NOT lovable. But I was *LUCKY* to be getting the "positive" sexual attention I was getting from my molester, because I was unlovable, and he was choosing to love me anyway.

It's pretty twisted, isn't it? But that's how CSA warped me. My IDENTITY was completely dependent on this one characteristic of my physical features, and I was humiliated and ASHAMED of this. I could do nothing to make it better, and I was constantly ridiculed.

The truth of the matter is - the last time I was REALLY ridiculed (someone actually SAID something or teased me) about my eyes was when I was much much younger. Ever since, it's just been my own judgment and my own hypersensitivity about having crossed eyes.

I see others who also have crossed eyes and I wonder how they can be married and happy and have families and not be bothered by their gross crossed eyes?

This question makes me wonder how much self judgment is causing me to feel the embarrassment and shame I currently carry, since the ridicule and teasing ended 30 years ago.

That's what I got.

So glad you guys brought this up again. We can't recover unless we uncover the secrets and the shame. KUDOS to you for bringing this into the light of acceptance.

Besides the humiliation from an abuser, which is emotional abuse (considered the worst abuse a person can suffer--words hurt more than most realize), I think smaller penis size can actually be caused by CSA as a defense mechanism in some people. Emotional growth certainly can, and often is, stunted by CSA so why not physical growth the same? As emotions get better, it would also be possible to develop that area, like others, further. The brain is a fascinating thing. Since we only use 10-15% of it, there is no way to understand it more 10-15%. I'm not so sure psychology understands 1% of it let alone 10-15% so I never denigrate an idea without cogitation. I don't know this is truth and is just supposition at best. But, the more accepting and secure in ourselves we are, the better growth can be. Babies can't survive without touch, positive touch, and that's a fact. Humans can't either and emotionally wither without it. Definitely something to think about.

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Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

I would also like to add, that pornography has done much to shape my view of what a man looks like. As my brain comes down from those images (over a month now) my self image is improving. I also summoned the courage to talk to my dad and brother about my penis size, and it turns out that it seems to be common for all of us. We are not alone in this.

I just want to mention that penis size when someone loves you. Love is the acceptance of all idiosyncrasies. It takes a certain degree of trust to get there, and that is hard to come for us. But when we ultimately do allow ourselves to be loved, much of the shame we have about those parts will begin to fade away. The focus will be on love and we love with so much more than our groins. My two cents.

Very interesting subject, thanks for posting it. While I fall into the "average" category, I found it interesting what a poster said earlier about not being able to refer to his penis as a "dick" or a "cock" - those words feel foreign to me as well, as does even "penis" - it's more like an "it" to me. I don't really feel comfortable with any word for it.

One aspect of the abuse is that I have no memories whatsoever of ever masturbating like you would think a normal, healthy teen boy would go through as part of normal sexual maturation. I simply didn't ever do it. The abuse started at 12 before I entered puberty, so by the time you would think that I should have been into normal sexual discovery I had already found that this part of my body was a really bad thing that I didn't want to have anything to do with. When creep #2 came along and turned things sexual at 16, I can remember doing things with him, but again, have no memories of simply with myself.

I don't mean to distract from this thread, but I think it's important how we look at how the abuse impacts our thinking about our genitals and their function, whether they are "adequate", "useful", etc.

it is good to see civil deep discussion here of a very sensitive topic

I have had issues with my penis as far back as my memory goes...

my uncle started grooming me at a very young age through sexual play - of course his penis was much bigger than mine due to his being 8 years older than me - I don't have any clear memory of him ever directly shaming me for my being small and smooth but with him being big and hairy I just "knew" that I was innadequate "down there" and it was deeply ingrained into my mind somehow (perhaps due to the many repeated times of seeing his compared to mine at that time)

I still fight with not feeling adequate "down there" - my wife says it's just fine - but I know it's small (in the military you cannot help but see hundreds of other mens) - yet she still loves me - love is so much more than what we have hanging between our legs

I agree with Eddie - it does seem more like just an "it"

has taken me years to understand that "it" is just a small part of the whole "me"

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

phoenix321's reply made me remember something a survivor once told me here at MS. He told me about the power of positive thinking. He has the same issue facing others of this thread, and he talked about an exercise to try:

He would stand naked before a mirror and compliment his body. He would force himself to focus on his positives and only compliment his body. He usually started at the top (his head) and work downward (to his feet).

When he got to his penis, he would compliment it by saying things such as, "You are well-formed", "You are mine and I'm glad to have you", "I will protect you", etc.

He did this (daily, I think) for several weeks, and said he felt his body was responding positively. He said he felt his penis had grown a little, increasing in length. Not much, but a little.

It might sound silly, but who knows? Might be worth at least a try.

Letourski's reply also made me think of something. Porn stars are usually hung...but there are sites that display men with normal or even smaller penises. Erectionphotos.com is one. Seeing those photos - and finding one that looked a lot like mine - helped me to feel not quite so alone in my issue.

Thank you all for contributing to this topic, and for Obi for starting it.

Your loving brother,

Bobcat

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You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Body image is a really complex issue that bothers nearly everyone to some extent. For some it is height, for many weight, others are concerned about proportions, while many are obsessed with the appearance of a specific part. For years I thought I had a big nose. It wasn’t true but I was very self-conscious about it. On the other hand, I liked my height – which was just right – neither what I considered too tall or too short – by my own definition. Some other guys thought I was too short.

Penis size anxiety is something that most guys have to a degree. And if it is not the size, it is the angle of erection or the shape of the head or if it’s cut or not or how much hair they have or… some other detail.

It is the most private and intimate part of us and we protect and guard it as much as we can. It can become a symbol of our identity. Because of abuse experiences some of us feel either extreme shame and an instinct to hide it or overcompensating pride in flaunting it. And because of the abuse - which usually targeted that part, a lot of our attention gets focuses on that part – both our own and/or those of others.

My feelings are completely contradictory and very illogical.

The first abuser in my life was the step-father and his seemed huge and scary to me as a 5 ½ year old. I was a miniscule nothing compared to him. I didn’t want to be like him but I was oh so cognizant of the difference between the two of us.

Because I matured very (abnormally) early, by 11 my penis was much bigger than the other boys my age and got lots of attention because of that. I hated that and was totally embarrassed and humiliated by the difference between myself and my peers. I felt like a freakish huge man’s organ attached to a little boy’s body.

That notoriety also brought me to the attention of the biggest bully and jock at the school. He was a muscle-bound teenaged Hercules who ruled everyone with intimidation, reputation, athletic prowess and charisma. When he heard about me he had to check me out for himself. it was terrifying. His henchmen made sure I didn’t escape as I was scrutinized and compared. He was as much bigger compared to me as I was compared to my classmates. To re-assert his status and prowess, he had to rub my face in it – pun intended. I felt tiny, insignificant, and inadequate.

I was totally confused and disoriented. Which was I? Abnormally big? Or abnormally small?

At 13 – the last time the step-father messed with me – and it had been quite a while since the last time that I remembered – I was surprised and shocked to discover that I was bigger than he was. He never tried anything again. I don’t know if our respective sizes had anything to do with that. And now that I think of it – this is a perfect example of how it is all relative. The guy who gave me my first inferiority complex ended up smaller than me. But I never felt superior about it. Just confused.

Now I am starting to realize – the answer to the questions about if I was too big or too small was - Neither. I am normal for myself.

The rest of my body eventually caught up with my penis and I ended up being pretty average. No other details, thank you. But I still have times when I feel very inadequate. And there are other times that I feel too obviously endowed. I know that my body image is totally distorted – like anorexics who thinks they are fat. That has led me to check out porn for comparisons – a fatal error guaranteed to make anyone feel inferior – unless you are one of the porn stars yourself! But there are also some small organ fan sites that could make me feel quite “superior” – if I wanted to give in to the culture’s brainwashing. And I discovered that the vintage stuff from the 50s is more likely to be in the average range. I’m actually thankful for some of the stuff I saw online because I feel much better about myself knowing that there is such a wide range – and that some people find all of them attractive.

Most of the time, though - I wish I could forget all that and just accept myself as I am and not be self-conscious about it or even have to think about it. i can tell you that feeling different, abnormal, and freakish is the real problem - whether it is too big or too small. i've felt both - and for me - both were equally horrible. I hate it that even now it is a constant reflex for me to compare.

lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I have heard a lot about this subject posted here in MS in various forums in the past 24 hours.

I personally do not have this serious issue to you all here.

Probably to the contrary as my only terrifying experience in reference to penis size that as a boy of 14-15 years old was from my aunts boy friend. I was no longer in the safety of that orphanage/home. I was at the mercy of a new step-father and my "mom." We had moved to the country where my step-father was building a house. We lived in the cellar during the winter in Massachusetts. One night my aunt & her boy friend were visiting and I was in the shower. Now there was no ceiling over each room, just the ceiling that was to become the first floor.As such I could hear everything that was being talked about, just as they could hear anything that i might be saying or doing.As I was drying myself off, for some reason, the conversation turned to this 14-15 year old boy and his penis size. What was said that Pete was hung like a horse. Now being a Boston city boy I had a slight idea of what that supposedly meant. Her boyfriend a grown man of around 30 or so built like a brick shit-house. He was going to come into the bathroom and check me out for himself. Well, I was in terror, screaming & hollering that nobody was going come through that door come hell or high water and look at my penis. He tried to open the door and I was pushing with all my might against it. My heart was beating like a drum and my adrenaline was at full strength. He sure was more powerful than this boy was.I told him that I would kill him if he had tried to look at me. Win, lose or draw. For some reason they all told him to let it go and I guess accept the ruling that it was as advertised. My "mom" sure knew all about it from when I was 5 years old on. As it became the object of her desire. She hated me, but loved my penis. I was considered a worthless & useless boy. But, because of my penis I was promoted to be the "head of the household" at 8 years of age, and all the ramifications that come with that title. Sure contradicts about being useless & worthless.

I'm sure that me yanking on it daily for 60+ years might have something to do with it being like it is.

Perhaps just slightly off it being too small. But being average or above "average" has it's difficulties too.

Big, small, average, we all sure do have issues with penis size. I've seen quite a few in my time as a gay boy/man right up to today. I like looking at them all. No shame, no guilt, no judgement.

What can I offer my brothers, here on this very important & serious issue for you?

Well, the only damn thing that I have left in my life besides my name is, my.................................................... COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING & HOPE, unconditionally, for you in coming to terms with this issue.

Wishing you all well in healing, my brothers.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

As far as child sexual abuse is concerned, I was a very small "grower" compared to my uncle how was a very large "shower"

I am almost positive in this arena, in the fact that I am a prepubescent child vs. a grown adult, there is absolutely no way, I would measure up.

The truth will set you free, and I have been quite honest about being born with herniated testicles. (yes, to be clear, I have one testicle).

All things being equal, I believe the doctor was correct in the assumption that corrected at an early age, I would naturally be assimilated in society. My uncle was a SPEED BUMP.

After the initial shock of the sneaking into my room while asleep (he was basically saying, I can have you whenever I want you).

It was always the same from then on. I initially froze as he wrapped his large hand around my small penis. At some point my reluctant hand would be grabbed to join in on fondling myself. I would get turned on and brought to the edge, where my orgasm would be shut down. My hand was forced upon his large penis...STOP

for those that want to continue...(the rest is in my "Ruined Orgasms and other forms of Denial" post) .

He did say one word to me for the first five years. (he didn't have to) With all the physical conditioning, his point of emasculation and feminization were complete.

In silence, my mind took me weird places were I was whorified into being a girl.

In conclusion, it is my opinion that "my creator" made me special. I am not a mistake. My androgynous semi-split spirit is something, I actually hold sacred. (who cares if it was nature or nurture, I don't really have the time, to look for answers to questions that make me feel rather psychotic.)

You are not alone. Some of your brothers and sisters are inter-sexed, and others are two spirited...

The important thing is we are all unique and diverse. We are enough.

As far as relationships are concerned, there is a nut for every bolt...

The Child is Gone (Fiona Apple)

island

Edited by 1islandboy (09/11/1208:46 PM)

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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