We don't always like being nonplussed

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

And we're back after the festival of the crazy people to start our new day, or week, there's no way of telling in game. I guess it's time to start searching through towns again, so I'll start by seeing if the thing I was given is a legal thing that will let me enter the town that requires a thing to thing... I mean enter.

On the way back through the mountains, I see Rejected Blond Guy from the previous night wandering around the area. I don't know if he's going to be a recurring character or not, but I think I should come up with a name for him. If it was Rejected Guy Blond, I could always call him Roy G. Biv, but since that grammar is bad even by my standards, I'm going to call him Koala. I speak with Koala really quickly, but he has nothing to say, and by nothing to say I mean he has nothing to give me, so he can go eat a bag of warm dicks.

And in only a few minutes, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen... Wait, that's not it. I meant the Emerald City. Sorry, I get those two mixed up because they're both movies that as a child made me fear spandex and crotch bulges. Whose crotch bulge in Wizard of Oz? Toto's.

All I had to do was speak with the guard, and the officious little prick let me through... I mean he upheld his duty and allowed me to pass into the city... or castle. I don't know, since on the world map, it looks like a freaking castle. Inside, it looks like every other city I've seen so far... except for this:

Yes, it's a castle... shut up.

I walk around the town for a bit, speaking to various NPCs in the hopes that one of them will be a plot hook. I find one lady standing by a well, and speak with her about gods knows what, and she asks me something... I'm just throwing a wild shot in the dark here, but I bet she wants me to go down the well.

Oh, you evil bitch. Of course there's something down here that looks like demon, and of course it's guarding treasure. I'll bet that you want me to bring it back to you, too, and you'll just thank me and scamper off... God damn it, being the hero sucks, and is never worth it.

Uhhh... I'm not really all that impressed, but the music might be a little different, so I take the battle seriously, and work on a strategy to kill him as quickly as possible. For those of you at home that are wondering what it is, I hit him with my weapon until it dies, and also heal sometimes. I know it's a bit complex, but I'm sure some of our more seasoned gamers will know this strategy from at least two, maybe three other games. Also, my weapon is a Boomerang, I think, and the damage is pretty random which I'm not sure I like... I also don't know how to change weapons, or what would be a weapon that I could buy, so I'm kind of dicked right now.

Speaking of being screwed, I bring the ring back to the woman and she gives me something. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what a lot of these items are, so I do the only reasonable thing when carrying around a full inventory. Start using items blindly. This was likely a really big mistake, because I find myself warped back to the starting town, and my chair splattered with Rage-poop. Well, not the last part, but I am back at the starting town. This did show me on the long walk back why I now love the boomerang. It looks like it hits everything on the screen, and me like.

I finally get back, and make a special note not to use the item that looks like the name is "Fred 7 It," but probably translates to something along the lines of, "Haha, fuck you!" Now that I'm back in town, I guess I should start looking around for the next plot trigger. I'm going to guess the big fucking castle.

Well, the guard asked me something, and I said yes, but nothing happened. I guess he was asking if I like cake, too. No, that's not a Portal reference, that's a Mitch Hedberg reference. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I go back to exploring and attempt to enter a Target, but miss... that would be a second. This is the last one, I promise, unless I run into giant ants somewhere.

I make my way to the church to save quickly, but am surprised to find this guy talking to the priest...

And he doesn't look like any alter boy I've ever seen, and I'm sure the priest as well. He speaks with the priest for a moment, then lumbers his way passed me, bumping into me on the way. I'm no judge of character, but I think from the text he might have just said sorry... or insulted my ancestors. That out of the way, I save then head back out of the church when the music abruptly stops. Well, this could be a sign something has changed, like a large lumbering man heading to the castle, I hope. I head up and talk to the guard again, and this time he let's me through into the castle. YAAY!

I guess that this is a special meeting held for everyone in the game with a unique character sprite, because I don't really recognize anyone here... except for that fucker in the bottom right of the group! How did he get in here?! Someone is talking about our secret meetings again! In any event, I've arrived late and the meeting is adjourned as soon as I get there, which means everyone files out of the not nearest exit. The man in the silly outfit has nothing to say to me, so I guess I'll follow the group, so I can be a cool kid.

Sadly, this exit only leads me to a way out of town, so I guess I've got to go to some sort of location. I'm going to guess right now, and I'm probably wrong, that I need to speak to the king, and I'm being put through some sort of test to be able to talk to him... this is just a guess, but I did play a lot of 80s-90s RPGs. Time to start scouting the area.

Ok, this looks like a place where they would have a test of bravery. I guess I'll go and test mine... I bet it's AB Negative. I head into the tower to start looking around, and I can't help but feel that my guess about it being some sort of test was right. Here's why:

Hmm... now, which path should I take? Maybe I should flip a coin, or roll a die... wait, that's it! Die! I don't want to die, so I'll take the path on the right! Sometimes my own brilliance astounds even me. Who else would have thought of avoiding the floor covered in sharp spikes? I'm guessing it's a small number.

Don't mock me, someone was too stupid to know that metal floor spikes hurt. Then again, his hat seems to have small gold wings, so we can't really say a lot for his decision making abilities. The monsters in here aren't really anything special so far, but that's more likely the fact that there's going to be something mean in here, and not that I'm over-leveled, which I'm probably not anymore. After I find someone punching a wall, I head up the stairs a few floors till I see...

Yep, that is a lone guard standing there, not watching his back, with an apparently easy route around him... I'm gonna have to fight this sumbitch, and he's going to be brutal.

Ok, that looks a lot less wussy than I was previously lead to believe, and I feel like I should have been warned, in English, even in a Japanese video game. Something simple, like: "Warning, this man is not as much of a wuss as he seems from a distance. He has HORNS, and a halberd designed for skinning BEARS! Regards, the Management. P.S. His shield is a SKULL! P.P.S.: P.S. Means Post Script, and P.P.S. means Post Post Script."

Anyway, I do manage to kill him, but it is a pretty tough battle. Thankfully, there's a tiny chest behind him, and though it looks like I have to head farther up, a little loot along the way is good for the soul.

Oh, you sons of bitches. I hate this tower now.

It's not as bad as it seems, since the puzzles only cover a screen, and you can basically eyeball it. After you make it back outside again, take the path toward the mohawk man and speak with him, then follow him into the tower where you'll find...

Some... sort of test where I'm going to have to pick the right doors, aren't I? Well fuck. I have a feeling this has something to do with clues, or lying, and guessing the right answer based on some bull I can't read... Ok, I'm going to take the third door, then the first, then the middle... I don't why.

I think this guy just gave me an item, but I'm sure it's not the one I need since the guy with the purple mohawk didn't show up, and there was no battle to get it. Back to the first door I go!

Also it's worth mentioning that I will NOT take the middle door, since I can see that it's full of spikes from the other two rooms on it's sides. God damn old people, and their... rooms full of sharp... things...

Lot's of tiny rooms and stairs out of the way, I keep going all the way to the top when I run into this man:

I'm pretty sure he's the same guy from the castle, and if he tells me that my challenge was to find the stairs leading up the back of the tower to get to the top, I swear by all that is holy I will END him.

... Ok, maybe I won't end him. Maybe he'll end me instead. That'll show him who's the boss around here, that being him!... OH DEAR GOD, HE IS VIOLATING ME WITH THE LANCE! HE IS DOING HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME, AND I WANT TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY, SOMEONE CALL... What? I killed him?! How the hell did that happen? Well it doesn't matter, since it's done, and on top of everything else I managed to gain a level, so woot.

Horrible violation out of the way, I make my way into the room, collect whatever is in the little chest I seem to have won as a prize for my troubles, then leap off of the tower to my doom... or at least to a lower level, where I do the same thing till I'm on the ground again. Back to town we go to heal up and save, and time to end this for the day while I recover from lance-related trauma.

I'll see you guys tomorrow, and as always remember to flail a bit now and then, to keep things interesting.