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Sometimes, Life comes at you fast…..

Something happened. Sometime last month, I realised that I’m a happy person again. Yes again. When that realisation hit me, I literally stopped what I was doing and sat on my bed and cried a little. Happy tears of cos. Then I tweeted this and did a little jig because it was true.

I AM HAPPY.

What am I talking about? Stay with me!

2014 was a rubbish year; from the very first day of it. I hated it. I rang in the year wondering what my then boyfriend was doing or rather who he was doing, seeing as I’d just recently found out he had been cheating. It got worse! During the year, I was dealing with a breakdown of a relationship and a friendship, I was having a difficult time at my job that ultimately led to me resigning, i didn’t know what direction I was headed with my PHD interest, nothing was working and I was struggling to stay afloat physically/spiritually/mentally/financially and with everything which made me daily question everything I thought I knew about myself, people and life in general. I was angry.

I was angry at God, I was revolting in my heart, I felt helpless and I couldn’t even pray. Heck i didn’t know how to pray with such anger in my heart. All I did was sleep, watch TV, eat and more sleep. Inevitably, I ballooned and that led to even more depressive behaviour. Everything sucked donkey balls and I was a shadow of myself. I felt like there was no area of my life I could point to and say I was winning at. I was angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at everything and I’d lash out at the slightest provocation and then after the moment has passed, the ensuing guilt will make me feel even more crappy. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to stop this free fall. I truly felt helpless.
During that time, my aura was toxic and my pheromones were way off and it reflected even in my interactions with total strangers. I felt like even total strangers on the streets treated me harshly; I’d leave most conversations/interactions feeling quite sad & defeated, so I cut off from people and basically stayed in my house. Sometimes I’d find that I’ve been in my room for about a week at a stretch without communicating with any one. I felt like because of this toxic aura, anyone who came around me got sucked in inevitably. I was spreading toxicity like glitter and Christmas cheer. Ha ha. My mum was worried and expressed her concerns every chance; she said she was afraid of how much anger I had inside me and she wasn’t sure what was causing it. It upset me even more. Call it the mum factor but she could see that I was crying for help, she just didn’t know how to help. Here’s the kicker, in all this time, I’d get on social media and be all happy & glitter bombs and witty 140s… smh. I was obsessed with coming across as strong and okay and intact and perfect; hated being seen as weak or downtrodden. Now, while I’m all of those things, I realize now that it is important to let things fall apart if they’re going to, so you can deal and heal.

It was truly a shitty year. 2014. I was happy to say goodbye.

1 January 2015 met me sitting with my mother in her bedroom watching a crossover service on TV, during which she prayed for me, for us, for the year and I sat there with my heart full because suddenly here was a chance at a restart; the possibility of starting afresh, brand new. I knew in that moment that I was in the right place and everything was going to be okay.

Now I know that some people are on that ~ don’t wait till it’s a new year to start afresh ~tip. They scoff at new year resolutions and make those of us who believe in them seem foolish. But I’ll tell you this, there is nothing like the promise and possibility that a New Year holds & brings. NOTHING!!! Personally, I always come into a new year with an expectant heart; and I know that one has to take concerted steps in the year to achieve those resolutions but don’t act like the New Year doesn’t inspire restarts. And restart I did.

Previously, I wasn’t on the best of terms with some of my extended family members, and about 2 weeks into my January fast, I just woke up one day, topped up my phone and rang them to apologise for the part I may have played in whatever problems we had. I rang my old boss from my former job too and we had a conversation that still makes me cry just thinking about it now. It was so liberating. Looking back now, it’s not to say that there weren’t things happening that legitimately warranted my anger but now I see how different certain things could have played out if my reactions at the time and in the moment had been a tad different. That single act of apologizing alone took so much weight off my shoulders, I forgave myself and it felt good.

I wish I could tell you a colorful story of how one day the clouds just parted and a white dove dropped from heaven on my shoulders and I heard a voice saying this is my beloved S in whom I am well pleased. But No! None of that! I went through it daily, the motions ~ days of feeling like an underachiever, unloved, unappreciated, unheard, misunderstood, hurt, confused etc., not just about work and relationship woes but also from my family & friends. During this time, self-doubt and a broken spirit became very familiar. I felt every emotion. I felt every pain. I hurt in places I didn’t even know existed. It was overwhelming and intense and very painful…………….. AND THEN IT WAS’NT.

How so? I don’t know. I cannot tell you. I just know that after a while, I stopped needing help[wine] to sleep, I’d wake up and actually get out of bed and sometimes fake a smile; it just generally got easier. What’s funny is that I didn’t even realise I was unravelling until it went full cycle. This further made me realise that sometimes what you think you feel, however strong, is very different from reality. The chains you’re bounded by are sometimes wholly mental.

So what changed? Walahi me I don’t know. I just know that sometime last month, I said OMG in this moment right now, I’m so happy AND I MEANT IT and relief washed over me and I cried tears of joy because it had been a long time since I said that, let alone mean it.

Is everything perfect today? Absolutely not! But guess what changed? My attitude! And the best part? It’s showing! It’s obvious to other people. My sister randomly said to me last week when she visited – you’ve become so much nicer, it’s like this your exercising is making you a happy person. I just laughed and said nothing but the point wasn’t lost on me at all. Sure, exercising releases the happy juice – endorphins – but I knew it wasn’t just that. Something bigger had taken place. A shift. I finally got my groove back and the universe is taking notice and equilibrium has been restored. 2015 definitely looks like the kick ass year and i’m here for it!
If you’re reading this and going through your own dark patch, I want you to know that you’ll pull through and you’ll be better for it. I promise you. But you can’t force/hurry the process.
Big hugs.

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51 Comments

Love love love the post. Totally relateable!!! Its interesting how when we are going through stuff no one seems to know – we are on twitter being all bright and shiny! everyone assumes we are great, if only they knew…
It only gets better from here S! *Big kiss*

Heartfelt. I know I have gone through shitty times, damn when its bad I lose my hair smack in the middle. I am sure everyone who reads this can relate and will take something from.
Like I preach to everyone that wishes to hear, Making healthy lifestyle choices really does change not only your body but also the other facets of your life, relationships, work, goals.

I can relate to what u were goin tru but different circumstances. …I was indoors for 2 months I lost someone that meant the whole world to me …I felt my life had come to a standstill. ..I lost focus I didn’t knw what to do or where to or even who to trust most people we call friends are just with us cause of what the can benefit from u…but like u rightly I say I knw 2015 is gona be a great year so dressing up and posin for pix one the things that actually make me happy now☺

Thank you my dear Boki. As you did mine… What’s friendship if not to walk each other through those rough terrains? I’m happy you’re well and happy to be well too. Miss you too my dear friend. God bless xx

Relatable piece!love it. Learning to take it one day at a time. One thing that has always helped is realizing that I and only I can make me happy, sometimes it’s hard to remember this in the midst of life’s drama. Love your blog, my second time here

I don’t know where to start,I am practically an emotional wreck right now,the dude I was saying and was really hoping to spend the rest of my life with just broke up with me,yeah there were some signs but I thought I could take care of it, anyway found out the chic he is with is pregnant,i feel like the world just crashed at my feet. Everything that can be wrong is just happening,work is crazy,everybody is on my neck to settle down ( I just crossed the 30).its really hard on me right now,I am normally the strong one dishing out advise and being there for my friends,while my life is a mess..i am trying to be as positive as I can especially after reading this but it’s so hard,I believe I’ll see my own silver lining soon enough before I fall apart, enough of my pity party, thanks for the post..really encouraging

Oh wow! I am so sorry all of this is happening to you at the same time Amazing. If this was happening in bits, it’ll still be tough but to come at you all at the same time? Can’t be easy! And I am so sorry.
When I decided to write this post, I was hoping that it’d encourage and uplift someone as much as it did me, I’m glad to see it resonated with you and you’re sharing with me.
You’ve shared a lot and its wow and overwhelming and while I don’t have all the answers, I will say this – you will get through this. You will. Please don’t be hard on yourself, nothing about this is your fault and nobody has it all together all the time.
I’m sending you tons of positive vibes and hope you feel better soon. God bless you xx

So happy to read this post. Sometime it takes getting to the end of the tunnel to see the light.

I remember my own time, not quite as brave to write about it.
Although it might seem like nothing changed, but something started changing in your mind, taking control of your life with something as little as working out can make a world of difference.

Awww I’m happy that you found your happiness and emerged from the darkness like a shining light. This was 2013 for me. And just like you now, I’m happy. Matter of fact, that nasty 2013 year brought me to this happy place. If I didn’t go through that year, I wouldn’t be here now. Sometimes we go through these fires to help mold us into beautiful people. Like gold.
You are gold babygirl.

The death of a parent had this effect on me but not for long. It made me realize that I don’t know how to stay down. I don’t really know how to put it, but I can’t feel low for too long, somehow, I just move on. My friends were shocked when I told them months later about the death, no one sensed it.

I’m passed the big 30 and still unmarried but a lot of times I sense those around me are more concerned about it than I am, lol. It’s not as if I don’t want to settle down, I’d love to, but it affects nothing for me. If it comes great, if it doesn’t come, equally great. I’m as happy as I usually am.

My life right now. I know it’s gonna pass, yeah but sometimes it’s very hard to remember that. Thank God for Jesus though, He’s a lifesaver.

Most tweeters whose tweets are upbeat and all, if they start telling you what they’re passing/passed through while their tweets were getting plenty RTs and Favs ehn, church no go close. This just shows that we’re actually stronger than we think, it’s not easy sha.

“How S(tella)[eember] Got Her Groove Back”…..happy for you dear S. I wish you permanent joy by His grace.
There might be cycles that want to threaten your happiness again, but please remember this experience and push on to joy. I wish you more joy….and that PhD too.
Atta gal!

Awww lovely post . Everyone has that period in time where they just feel like nothing can go right but I’ve learnt that if you weather the storm you end up being much happier than you were. Glad you’re happy again *kisses*

Perhaps I only just stumbled on this post today cos your 2014 was basically my 2015…sigh. Somehow I entered 2016 with so much optimism I am still questioning it. I don’t know why I am so hopeful/sure the tide is turning but I am. January has actually been quite challenging (especially financially) and this is usually what breaks me..but weirdly I’m hardly bothered. I have decided that Abba’s hand is in this cos I dunno how else to explain it. especially since our relationship is still (sorta) rocky. But I am totally looking forward to the rest of this year.
And I could totally relate with this post.

p.s. – The comment wasn’t supposed to be this long. I dunno how it got away from me. Lol.
p.p.s – I’ve been lurking for a while (introverts/laziness have not allowed me to comment since) Smh. I’ll (start to) do better. 😀

Oh hi Annie , thank you for coming out of the lurks :). No need to apologies for a long comment, they’re my fave. The longer the better!
I’m so sorry you had a crappy last year, I can tell you confidently that it gets better, it truly does.
I’m glad you’re optimistic because it helps. Looking forward to happier times. Big hugs xx