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Rich: Weight just a minute

Dixie Divas

Posted: Sunday, April 25, 2004

Dixie Dew, my chubby dachshund, hates her checkups. She doesnt mind probing, shots, invasion of privacy or drawing of blood. Instead, she detests what every woman hates about her yearly physical being weighed.

The other day at the vet's office, this turned nasty as sheer terror filled her eyes and she fought stubbornly to stay away from the stainless steel scale. I sympathized. I even took off her fuchsia-colored collar and promised it would reduce the weight by several ounces - didn't work. She primly lifted her nose and turned her head away to sulk.

The vet's tech had a solution. She suggested I weigh, then weigh again while holding Dixie Dew. Then, we would subtract the first number from the last and we'd have Dew's weight. It was my turn primly to lift my nose and turn my head to sulk. But, first, I explained.

''No way! I have to go through that humiliation at my doctor's office and there is no way I am going through it at the vet's, too.''

Ronda

Rich

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The divas and I discussed this dilemma that plagues womanhood. Like childbirth, it is solely our cross to bear, because to men, weight and age are just numbers. To women, those two numbers are the sum definition of our bodies, so we protect both zealously. Men, though, divulge both freely. You don't have to ask a man his age or weight. He happily shares both whenever it crosses his mind. Not us. That's why we, just like Dixie Dew, hate those trips to the doctor.

''These scales are wrong,'' I said haughtily at my last checkup.

The stern nurse did not look up as she wrote the erroneous number in my chart. ''Just had them calibrated. They're accurate.''

I stepped off the scales. ''Then, this paper gown weighs 10 pounds.'' To weigh less, the divas shun makeup, especially heavy lipgloss, hairspray, barrettes and jewelry - too much weight. No supper the night before or even a sip of water is consumed before the weigh-in. A cup of coffee can add as much as 2 pounds. Underwire bras add another pound. Before Clara chooses a doctor, she calls to ask his weight. Highfalutin credentials mean less than having a doctor who is overweight. That way, she reasons, he won't lecture her about her extra weight.

I see it on the news every day. There's a healthcare crisis in this country and Washington pundits are clueless as to how to handle it, because many won't visit doctors for preventive care. Well, I have the solution and it won't cost the taxpayers a dollar. All the physicians need to do is to stop weighing people. It's that simple. Even my dog knows that.

Ronda Rich is the author of the best-selling book, ''What Southern Women Know (That Every Woman Should)'' and ''My Life In The Pits.''