Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Summer Movie Preview-- The Early Buzz: 1.29

Before I get started on this post, I saw an AMAZING movie that you've [probably] never heard of despite its winning the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2004. It's called "Primer" and I won't say anything further other than it's easily the best movie I've seen in months and months and months. Go see it. Now. Anyway...

Entertainment Weekly is previewing 136 Summer movies. We all know we're not going to see that many, so I've pared it down for you in the listastic spectacular entry.

SUMMER MOVIES: The Best 10, the Worst 10, the 10 Most Notable and the 5 Notable for Not Being Selected For Anything.

How’s that for some ever-popular list action, biyaachizzzyies?

BEST [no particular order since the season ain’t really begun yet]1) CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY- Johnny Depp, Tim Burton. Need I say more? Thought so.2) THE FANTASTIC FOUR - I don’t care what anyone says– it will be awesome. Evidence: Jessica Alba and Julian McMahon and I will TOTALLY buy Michael Chiklis for the Thing. They’re summer movies people, remember? It’s not plastic surgery.3) STAR WARS: Whatever The Last One Is - I think that’s enough, don’t you?4) Brad & Angelina as assassins meant to both kill and love each other. I don’t care if the publicity is fake or well-covered-up [come on, sex between those two would undoubtedly cause some kind of nuclear hotness reaction] that’s my kind of movie. They’re MR. AND MRS. SMITH.5) WAR OF WORLDS will scare the crap out of you and probably make you cry and I don’t care if Tom gave Katie lip herpes [dirty, dirty boy and dear, virginal Joey], the man can still carry a movie.6) DUKES OF HAZZARD will be funny, thanks to Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, who are both underrated. After this movie, they won’t be again. And hey, Jessica Simpson in and as Daisy Duke. As Chester would say, “Sweet.”7) MAD HOT BALLROOM - Indie doc on 11-year-old dancers. Dude, I’m telling you, it’s funny. Now I know I just called Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott underrated––but supposedly, Mad Hot is the hilarisizzle.8) SERENITY - Okay, the title sucks for an action movie [and thus far, so does the trailer]. But everyone who has seen early peeks of this Joss Whedon epic says it's friggin' awesome. Being Joss Whedon-helmed, I wouldn't doubt it.9) UNLEASHED [or "Danny the dog"]- Did you just put a touching story about the triumph of the human spirit and modern-day slavery into a Jet Li movie? Good job.10) CRASH- I'll need a good ensemble dramedy after all this action. It would be better if Sandra Bullock wasn't in it, but nothing movie is perfect, I guess.

WORST [no particular order, it’s too early for that]1) STEALTH– I’m not buying it. Jessica Biel will be in a navy uniform [not hot] and will just be flying an ‘effected’ plane. Josh Lucas leads, with Jamie Foxx and a computer that ‘would kick HAL’s butt any day’. Who are you gonna remember, EDI or HAL? That piercing red light or Jessica Biel’s T&A wiggling a joystick while being restrained. I thought so.2) KICKING AND SCREAMING – Saw a sneak. . . sorry, Will, you lost me on this one. And you took some of my innocence with you.3) HOUSE OF WAX – And yet, it will make money. People will want to see Paris die. And I think it will be cathartic, ultimately, for America.4) SEX, POLITICS AND COCKTAILS – The writer is the director is the producer is the cameraman– give it up already, dude. Probably an art house wide release, sadly, soaking up badly-needed theatres. Don’t be fooled by forgiving critics– this is a stinker according to early, admittedly pre-postproduction gossip.5) HERBIE: FULLY LOADED – Lindsay’s first bomb? Well, her costar is a CAR. That should give you some idea.6) THE HONEYMOONERS – Why would anyone think remaking this is a good idea? Why? And don’t tell me because of “Guess Who?” with Bernie and Ashton because I will suckerpunch you in the gut, stranger. I will.7) CINDERELLA MAN – I’m just tired of Russell Crowe. And if it was any good, with a cast like this, they would’ve released it during Oscar season. But seriously, I’m done with Russell Crowe. I want him to go away. Period.8) THE PERFECT MAN – Hilary Duff and Heather Locklear. Prepare the vomit bags and the uncomfortable grimaces.9) DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGALOW- I think the title says it all. Who greenlit this and can I have their job?10) What should the last one be? Come on, be snarky and anonymous like Atlas. Comment. Do it. TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK

NOTABLE [again, numbers have no particular meaning here]1) THE BROTHERS GRIMM – Winner of the ‘Where the hell did this come from, Hollywood?’ award. With Mssrs. Matt Damon and Heath Ledger and what is apparently another mediocre part for Monica Bellucci. [see...I’m nice for being anonymous!]2) JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD – I have faith that Martin Short can make this dishier than anything Assistant/Atlas could ever deliver. And come on, EW said the man laughed off his prosthetic makeup. That’s gotta count for something.3) PINK PANTHER – Let’s see if Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, and Beyonce pull this off-– Big Boss Sloane swears by Peter Sellers and I must agree that it’s gonna be tough. There’s hope, though. . .4) FOUR BROTHERS – They’re here because they get the points for thinking they can pull this premise off– Wahlberg, Tyrese, Andre 3000, and some white guy who was in Friday Night Lights as brothers. Foster brothers, thankfully. This is John Singleton-helmed– so a definite maybe must-see.5) NIGHT WATCH - Russian horror epic. The trailer sold me on it, but I'd heard good buzz for awhile. Supernatural forces of good and evil battle-- in a really pretty, gory way.

5 NOTABLE FOR NOT BEING SELECTED [conveniently numbered without meaning]1) THE ISLAND – Buzz isn’t go much of anywhere on this one– but it has friggin’ Scarlett Johansson and Ewan McGregor in it. But it’s Michael Bay, so that’s weird no one’s talking about it, right? And bad....perhaps?2) MYSTERIOUS SKIN – Oops. This isn't Keira Knightley's requisite junkie role. As of this, I don't know for sure that she has one. Atlas gets confused when he has to type fast while looking over his shoulder for Sloane. Thanks reader, for pointing that out. I'm retarded sometimes. Don't mind me.3) SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS – I really wish good young TV actresses [Amber Tamblyn and Alexis Bledel] would pick better movie roles. Maybe they don’t have the time, what with the publicity circuit the WB whips them into– I mean, contracts them into doing. Oh, wait, Joan’s on CBS? Hey, I wonder what would happen if CBS doesn’t renew Joan? 4) BEWITCHED – Why do I feel nothing for this remake despite Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell and Shirley MacLaine? Because the show was a TV Land disappointment? Or is it that magic sucks now thanks to Charmed?5) BATMAN - Sure, I love Batman. But why do I feel so lukewarm about Christian Bale?

All for now. Atlas has to go back to hand-holding and world-shouldering.