“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”: A hollow shell of a movie

I’m going to start off this article by clearing the air right up front. By no means am I, or have I ever been a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan, so before everyone jumps down my throat for being just another pissed off superfan, I will assure you that I am not. If I’m being honest with everyone, this is actually the first time I’ve ever watched anything that involved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and unfortunately, this was not a great introduction.

To say this movie was bad would be an understatement. In fact, as I sit here, trying to type up this very review, I find myself at a loss for words. This movie was so horrific; I really have no idea where to start.

Perhaps I’ll just start with the obvious. Everyone who expected this movie to be bad based off of hearsay, the trailers, and Michael Bay’s general involvement with the film, were absolutely 100% correct. Everything about this movie, and I mean everything, was a humongous miss.
The directing was uninspired, the acting was some of the worst I have ever seen, and without a doubt Michael Bay’s lasting impression on this film was nothing short of disastrous (speaking of disastrous, for anyone wondering, there were seven unnecessary Michael Bay explosions throughout this movie. Thank you Matt for keeping track of that).

For the first time in a long time, maybe even ever, I can tell you that there is not a single shining star in this movie. Everyone involved did an equally terrible job when it came to the acting. And yes, I mean EVERYONE. Will Arnett, this is the worst thing you have ever been in, hard to believe, I know, but it’s undeniably true.

William Fintcher, I expected so much more from you, and quite frankly the only way I can express how I truly feel right now, is utter disappointment. You should have been the high point, the stand out, but instead, you sold out, and became another mindless, forgettable character in a franchise you had no business being in.

Johnny Knoxville, you were as bad as I would have expected, so congratulations I guess, you disappointed me the least out of everyone.

Alan Ritchson, I love you as Thad Castle, which makes it even more painful to say that you didn’t add anything to this movie. Instead, I’d have to go as far as saying you significantly subtracted from it.

The rest of the guys playing turtles, why? Why did you do this to your fledgling careers?

Whoopi Goldberg, what were you even doing in this movie? You’re an academy award-winning actress, why on earth did you think a role in this movie had anything to add to your career?

And last, and certainly least, Megan Fox. I got to say I didn’t expect much from you, but you sure did manage to surprise me. You truly proved that been a pretty face is all you need to get a high-profile acting job nowadays. Congratulations, with this role, you just convinced everyone of what they already suspected. You are a terrible actress, but don’t worry Megan, you are but one of many things in this film that fell flat on its face.

The films identity, is perhaps it’s next biggest fault. At times it clearly wants to be taken seriously in hopes to prove its legitimacy, but then at other times, it seems to want to do nothing more than pander to the lowest common denominator, children’s movies, with fart jokes and slapstick comedy.

And then, you take all of this wretchedness, and you add it to the story. I know the source material isn’t the greatest stuff to go one, but this movie really proved once and for all that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not viable source material for a full-length feature film.
It’s goofy, it’s lame, and it’s just downright bad. The only somewhat nice thing I can say about it is that it at least ran under an hour and a half, which spared me from having to waste anymore of my life watching the pointless story pan out.

That’s where I think I’m going to cut this article. As I’m sure you can tell from reading, I’m pretty fired up right now. Words don’t begin to describe how disappointed I am in this movie. I’m begging everyone out there, please do not go see this movie. The only thing that could possibly make the entire situation worse is if producers got the false sense that this movie warrants a sequel. Leave this film alone, let it die, and hopefully it will be wiped from the memories of those of us who had to struggle through it sooner rather than later.