Thursday, June 4, 2009

it's been a while since I knew you...

been a bit lazy with the blog posts lately.. trying to get my money's worth out of life and dealing with an upset stomach and a sore throat.... sore throat from my surgery on my vocal chords Monday... upset stomach from the butterflies that have been let loose to flutter by with abandon... in just a few shakes of a little lamb's tail I will be leaving Alaska and I am not too sure how I feel about that... indeed.

The woman that was supposed to buy my condo backed out last week. My friends may rent the place but I am left with the feeling that I should not be leaving.. I can't help it.. I love my life here. Where else can you climb a mountain after work and be in bed with a book by midnight? Where else can you skijore for two hours at lunch? I love my life, I love my friends here, for the first time in my life... I am scared to move. Not completely excited and open to a new start... for the first time, this move is coming with a bit of regret. I have an amazing quality of life in Alaska. A big part of my decision to leave is that I have no one to share this with.. but lately I have been feeling that this fact is pretty alright with me. The excitement of a new place is quickly being replaced with thoughts of regret... I keep telling myself four years is enough to have stayed here for now... four years is a long time and I need a change for sure... but I kinda feel like cutting my hair was enough for right now.. I am super stoked to go to India, but I have no idea what my life is going to be like when I return to the States in October... this insecurity is good for me, as I have always been one to need to know how I will nest. I have always needed a base that feels like home... shaking things up and letting the best fall out can only be good for me right? All good things in all good time. Don't get me wrong...I am excited, but can't shake the feeling that this move may be just another detour that my life may not particularly need right now... What if all I really need is right in front of me? I suppose this confusion is all just a natural response to change. Maybe this is a sign that I am getting more settled in my old age... in that case, I do need to shake my life up! I just hope that I am making the right decision... I suppose that I shall see in good time.