Hand In Hand

Thursday, December 27, 2012

God is asking for complete trust. I knew this back at the end of August. I knew this after my HSG results weren't the best. I knew this in September. I knew this after my hysteroscopy results were great. I knew this in October. I knew this when I had an injectable cycle that ended without the fairy tale ending. I knew this when November flew by with nothing to show for it. I knew this in December. I knew this when I had the most perfect setup for being pregnant only to see it all crumble with nothing to show for it other than negative tests. I know it now with another rest cycle starting tonight.

I know that God is in control of my crazy, out of control hormones. I know God is in control of my uncooperative reproductive system. I know that He must have big plans for me or for my family. His time table doesn't match what mine was, but I trust that His plans are more awesome than mine. God sure has a way of placing obstacles in our path and using them to test out faith.

I am stepping out in faith. I am trusting in God's plan for my family. I am willing to walk this unknown and often discouraging path with reckless abandon, trusting in God's plan. It isn't easy to do. There are a lot of tears involved. Sometimes, it takes a broken heart to fully give our desires to God and allow Him to take control.

I won't sugar coat things. I am discouraged. I am very much afraid of not having the chance to be pregnant again, to love another child, to nurture another little love. I'm sad that I'm not pregnant. I'm frustrated that it comes so easily for most people, yet it is something I clearly have to work for.

This walking in faith with reckless abandon thing isn't going to be easy. God is challenging my faith. And I must admit that I am sometimes filled with doubts. These doubts seek to pull me from my faith journey. We all fail at times when we walk on our faith journey. I am trying to keep my heart on Jesus and walk hand in hand with the one who carries me when I can't do it on my own.

This journey towards child #2 is hard. It isn't what I expected it to be. But it's everything God planned it to be. So I am trusting in His plan as I move on, walking into the unknown. Whatever obstacles may be in my way, I know I can cross them as long as I trust.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

It's been a while since I have posted any updates on life, TTC #2, and raising my beautiful little miracle. There's a lot to catch everyone up on, so I'll try and do it as quickly as possible. For the record, No, I am NOT pregnant....yet. So, with that said and out there, I can update you all on what has been happening.

Back in August, we started the process of TTC #2. As was the case when I conceived my beautiful daughter, my FSH levels are NOT good. Before starting any new cycles, my baseline FSH was 12.7. Although it was a smidge higher when I started the process 3 years prior, this FSH level is not good. It means that I have pre-ovarian failure, basically the early stages of premenopause. I knew this three years ago and was relieved to see that it has no progressed into full premenopause. My FSH numbers are still relatively the same. So we were given a yellow light-we had to have an HSG first in order to get a green light.

In late August, I had an HSG. It was an epic fail. My uterus showed signs of a "defect." The RE was unsure if this was from scar tissue from my c-section in 2010 or if it was a polyp. No matter how I looked at it, I was stuck at a red light until I had a hysteroscopy done. I was discouraged, upset, feeling beat up. I scheduled the hysteroscopy for mid-September. In my mind, the faster I got things moving, the faster I could get on the road to TTC #2. Hysteroscopy day, I had a low grade fever and almost couldn't do the hysteroscopy. It was determined that because I had myself so nervous, my body temperature couldn't adjust and I was running on little sleep. So they did the procedure anyway. Turns out that the Epic Fail from the HSG was a fluke and everything was, indeed, fine. I was given the green light to start a new cycle as soon as I finished my pack of bcp. Amazing news. I was so relieved.

The end of September, I started injectables. I started with 2 vials of Menopur and 75iu Follistim. My eggs showed no growth. They upped my meds across 11 nights to 3 vials of Menopur and 300iu Follistim. Ugh. Talk about hardcore meds! Across those 11 nights, my eggs never grew. Talk about defeat. I was feeling very broken, more discouraged than ever. I felt like I waited too long after having my daughter before conceiving a second child. I was sure my eggs were duds and we would need to discuss donor eggs. The RE gave me Provera for 5 nights. I faithfully took my meds, waited 2 weeks, no sign of AF. No new cycle. Nothing. So I called, went in for more bloodwork, and started 7 nights of Provera. Finally, a new cycle came and started. By now, we were in the beginning of December.

This has been a longer process than we expected or wanted it to be. Ideally, we wanted to be pregnant before now. But we are not. I started a new cycle on the 3rd and started injectables on the 5th. My starting dose? 3 vials of Menopur and 300iu Follistim. This is not a good starting dose. That amount of Menopur is just pure evil. But I did it, I knew what the outcome could (and hopefully will) be. For 3 nights, the routine was to mix the Menopur an hour before injecting (apparently, playing "Chemist" and mixing up the good stuff an hour before injecting makes it burn a LOT less), injecting the Follistim and Menopur at 9, and putting my feet up because my thighs KILLED me after each injection. My eggs apparently responded very well this time and I had to bump up the Menopur to a whopping 4 vials for two nights with the 300iu Follistim and the Ganarelix. I triggered on Monday and had my IUI today!

Where does that leave me? I'm now in the dreaded Two-Week-Wait. I'm trying to not think about anything. I have a beautiful daughter. She is such a miracle. I would love to give her a sibling to play with. But God is in complete control. He has been reminding me of that every step of the way. He is in control, even when His plans are not our plans. I guess I'll find out just before the new year if this cycle worked. I'm not going to overanalyze anything. It will be what it will be. Just pray for us, as this is definitely what we want for our lives and have received God's blessing to try.

Now, you may be wondering how my daughter is doing. Isabella is doing so well! Can you believe she is almost 2 1/2 years old? She talks so well and definitely has a well-formed little personality. She has spunk, is extremely opinionated, and is stubborn (like her Daddy, not at all like Mommy). She has been sick off and on for over a month. These toddler colds are the worst! She seems to be feeling better now, just in time for Christmas. We are trying to teach her more about the Christmas story. We still haven't bought a child-safe Nativity set, but that is on the list of things to get. She has a story all about Christmas and the story behind it. She especially loves talking about Baby Jesus and how He had a mom and dad. Isabella also likes to entertain with lots of tea parties. As long as that is the only kind of party she likes to throw, life will be good.

Isabella is still the best miracle for Hubby and me. She is a blessing every single day. I knew I would love being a mom, but I never knew how much I truly would love it. God has blessed me so much with Izzy.

With all that said, I shall leave you with some pictures from the fall of our little family.

The Family

About Me

I am 31 years old and so is my darling husband, Phil. We've been married for seven years now. He is the love of my life, my best friend, and the most patient man I know. We tried for over two years to start a family and finally, by the grace of God, we welcomed our precious miracle on July 28, 2010. Life always stays interesting!