Ask a Comedian: Maria Bamford Thinks You're Doing OK

Maria Bamford has never been shy about her mental health. The comedian, who has dealt with life-long depression and anxiety, has constantly mined her own experiences for jokes, often giving fans notably relatable bits during her stand-up. Her surreal new Netflix series, Lady Dynamite, does something similar, which has helped Bamford as much as it has helped her audience. "I've been given so much relief from people who have shared about their experiences that it gives me a lot of joy and meaning in my life to share," she says. "If I can share that and help somebody, that makes me feel useful."

"I want to feel like it's meaningful to me," she also says of her show. "I don't know what other show I could have done. Like, 'Oh, I'm a secretary and I'm just looking for romance?' That's something, but that's not my story. That hasn't been my experience. Do what you know—it's the easiest thing to do. I already have the story and the info at my fingertips."

With this in mind, it makes sense that Bamford would be prepared to dole out some of the best advice we've ever gotten for Ask A Comedian—even if she doesn't necessarily think you should accept every word of it. "Giving advice has to come from a place of self-righteousness and over-confidence that I think I have," the comedian explains. "I can tell people what to do—with a constant caveat that I don't know what I'm talking about. So please go see a professional. Or at least a certified life coach."

How can I stop worrying about zombies taking over the world? —Jim, Hollidaysburg, PA

Your question sounds facetious, but I'm going to take it as seriously as I hope you're not experiencing it. I hope you don't genuinely have a fear of zombies. But in this moment look around. Do you see someone with rotting flesh and shredded clothes coming toward you? If not, you're OK. We don't know if the zombies are going to come, and that's something we have no control over. But if in this moment, there is not a zombie within five feet of you—even if you see one in the distance that's not at you yet. Enjoy your day. Stop living in the future.

How can I turn my personal addictions and character flaws into a ten-minute comedy set? Right now I'm only in it for the drink tickets. —Andrea, Brooklyn, NY

First of all, what are you drinking with the drink tickets, and how many are you getting? I think you need to be having a good time writing your comedy material and performing it. If you do enjoy it—and enjoyment can be any number of factors—are you having a good time without the drinks? The set up of your question and the fact it is self-deprecating suggests that you may actually be a comedian already. So keep doing it, and if you're concerned about drinking maybe go to some AA meetings just to see how you feel. AA is amazing for comedians. You get three minutes, and you can say whatever you want!

AA is amazing for comedians. You get three minutes, and you can say whatever you want!

How do I make my cat understand that I need more sleep? He keeps waking me up at 4 a.m. My alarm is set for 4:30 a.m. Enough is enough. —Alicia, Seattle, WA

Have you seen My Cat From Hell? I've watched twenty episodes. What your cat needs is to be tired. That means you should get some toys, get him some outdoor space where he can be entertained by birds. That way, when lights are out, he's exhausted. He doesn't want to get up, either. I've also learned from that show that you need to get levels in your house so your cat can go up above you, because that's what cats are like. And then you need to play with him for at least a half hour a day. There are so many incredible cat toys out there. One of them will work. And that means a full night's rest. Your cat may even start to sleep in!

Netflix

My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for almost four years. There are days when I can clearly see us getting married and happily spending the rest of our lives together, and there are others when I can't help but wonder if there's a more ideal match for me out there that I just haven't met yet. How do I know whether to keep trying with him or abandon ship? —Aaron, Brooklyn, NY

Marry this guy. He sounds awesome. And you're awesome. I have been on over one hundred Internet dates, and I've been with my beloved husband for over three years. The amazing thing is to find someone you can love and be loved by, and to put as much as you can into that. Just go all in. That's what's going to make you feel good—going all in with love, not finding somebody who's perfect. If you want to move on, go ahead, but I don't know that it will bring you someone who is any better or any worse than the person you're with because everyone is flawed and gifted.

How do I tell a guy I'm dating that I'm not really as motivated and mentally healthy as I've been pretending to be? —Cam, Rochester, NY

I think he knows. If you are how you say you are, you've probably missed some stains on your shirt or mixed up your words. So don't worry: He knows that you're anxious, high-strung, and eccentric. It bleeds through. I always think I'm a cool cucumber and no one can tell, but then I'll get this feedback of, "You're shaking!"

I'm what you'd call a "millennial" dating what you'd call a "GenX-er," and sometimes the cultural divide can get frustrating. I had to explain Dat Boi to him last week, and he's had to explain exactly what makes Billy Madison funny to me many times. Sometimes I get the feeling he thinks the things I enjoy are dumb. However, he thinks Reality Bites is a brilliant movie, so I'm not sure his taste can be trusted. How do we make our relationship work despite this great cultural difference? —Chloe, Brooklyn, NY

Even if it feels unnatural, you've got to support that your partner is right in whatever they think. Because they are, to them, and you have to allow that their opinions are valid and you're on the same team. That's the whole point of being in a relationship—that you're on the same team and it's fun. You're going to have different tastes. But why not take a chance and learn Reality Bites word for word, the entire script? Download that script online and read it aloud together. Get to know why your partner loves, and you might learn something and have a good time rather than being defensive. Like, I went to go see noise music. I don't know if you've heard noise music, but I've been to two noise music concerts. I get it. I can see how it would be fun because your kidneys vibrate and you get nauseous. But now I don't have to go again.

I'm a 54-year-old life-long bachelor who has never had a deep or meaningful relationship with a woman. When am I allowed to just give up and start dating hookers? —Egbert, Long Beach, CA

ASAP! The sex worker industry is alive and well, and they're getting much more vocal about getting rights and becoming a more regulated industry. Go for it. And maybe instead of calling them a "hooker," call them a "sex worker" or a "sexual surrogate." That's the respect they deserve. "Hooker" suggests that perhaps you're not going to pay them very well, and everyone deserves a living wage.

Maybe instead of calling them a "hooker," call them a "sex worker" or a "sexual surrogate." That's the respect they deserve.

My wife and I have two dogs, both rescues, and sometimes we think about getting a third. But I worry that, since there's two of us, a third dog may feel left out of snuggle time. What do you recommend? —Jake, Encino, CA

It's like you're telling my story, Jake. Blueberry, our Chihuahua pug, will not participate in snuggle time anymore now that we have two other pugs who are bonded that we adopted. It's painful. But that's the danger of intimacy—it can be imperfect. But in that there's a richness, because we all have our quirks. I see myself in Blueberry because sometimes when people seem too in love, I have to leave the room. So go for the third dog, especially if you have a lot of expendable income.

Netflix

In your show, it looks like the characters have a just-get-over-it attitude towards depression and mental illness, which has been my real-life experience. Even though I'm open about it, I still feel a bit ashamed that I feel so sad sometimes. It's so easy to fall into isolation when I should be socializing. How have you been able to keep relationships with friends and family when you've been really depressed and don't really feel like talking? —Cindy, Chanhassen, MN

I go to a lot of support groups. And I have found an enormous amount of help in meds. They have changed my life, because I don't feel the lows I once did. But I think the thing that's been extremely helpful when I have felt awful is that I have people who know what I'm talking about. I have a friend who has terrible depression and has been hospitalized, and she's someone I feel super comfortable with when I don't want to talk to anybody else. There are people out there, around you, who have had the same experience. Meeting in person is the key thing—face to face. Phone calls only do so much. You can find a group where you can talk about it and you're not embarrassed and everyone is having an experience like that. If you can't find a group in your area, just go to an AA meeting. They're hilarious and there's always free coffee, which is a mood upper.

I have been fat/overweight for most of my life, except for a period in high-school when I lost a lot of weight by eating only apples and carrots and granola bars. Now I am the biggest I've ever been and also the most romantically lonely. When I was thinner in high school, I felt extremely uncomfortable and scared in public because men would stare at me and sometimes say creepy things. I like the security that comes with being fat, because it makes me a little more invisible to men who are anxious to objectify women out in public. What can I do to alleviate this fear, so I can finally lose some weight and be more confident? —Sarah, Great Barrington, MA

Being overweight is not your problem. You need to realize that it's okay to be loved. People all over the world, of all shapes and sizes, are loving each other. You're ready now for a relationship, and the only way you can learn to have one is by having one. So don't wait any longer to put yourself out there. But I would also go get support from a therapist or a 12-step group. When I've been dating, it's been helpful to have people to call or a therapist to check in with. Talk it out with another person. But you're doing great and you're wonderful. You are a person who is loveable and ready to love. However you're able to do that, even imperfectly, is right.

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