Quotations and aphorisms by Craig Ferguson:

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.~Craig Ferguson

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I'm careful with money.~Craig Ferguson

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I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.~Craig Ferguson

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I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.~Craig Ferguson

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I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.~Craig Ferguson

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A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.~Craig Ferguson

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My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.~Craig Ferguson

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I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.~Craig Ferguson

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I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.~Craig Ferguson

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For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.~Craig Ferguson

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It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.~Craig Ferguson

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.~Craig Ferguson

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I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.~Craig Ferguson

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Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.~Craig Ferguson

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All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.~Craig Ferguson

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A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.~Craig Ferguson

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I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.~Craig Ferguson

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I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.~Craig Ferguson

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They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.~Craig Ferguson

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I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.~Craig Ferguson

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I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.~Craig Ferguson

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Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.~Craig Ferguson

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You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.~Craig Ferguson

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.~Craig Ferguson

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I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.~Craig Ferguson

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I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.~Craig Ferguson

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HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.~Craig Ferguson

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I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.~Craig Ferguson

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When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.~Craig Ferguson

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The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.~Craig Ferguson

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I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.~Craig Ferguson

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.~Craig Ferguson

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Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.~Craig Ferguson

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I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'~Craig Ferguson

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I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.~Craig Ferguson

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I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.~Craig Ferguson

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I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.~Craig Ferguson

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Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.~Craig Ferguson

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I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.~Craig Ferguson

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I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.~Craig Ferguson

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There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.~Craig Ferguson

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I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.~Craig Ferguson

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Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'~Craig Ferguson

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It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.~Craig Ferguson

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I realized women and humor were linked very closely.~Craig Ferguson

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Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.~Craig Ferguson

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I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.~Craig Ferguson

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I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.~Craig Ferguson

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I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'~Craig Ferguson

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I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.~Craig Ferguson

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I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.~Craig Ferguson

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I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.~Craig Ferguson

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.~Craig Ferguson

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I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.~Craig Ferguson

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When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.~Craig Ferguson

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Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.~Craig Ferguson

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I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.~Craig Ferguson

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The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.~Craig Ferguson

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It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.~Craig Ferguson

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The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.~Craig Ferguson

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Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.~Craig Ferguson

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I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.~Craig Ferguson