Sunday, June 19, 2011

Everything I need to know I learned from my dad.

In honor of Father's Day, I thought I should share some quotes and anecdotes from my dad that shaped my experiences and helped form who I am.

- "Get over here, you three idiots!"

- "The glass is half full, but it's filled with piss."

- " ... So the next time you need more asswipe, get it from the closet and put it on the asswipe holder so the next person who needs asswipe can have it!" (trying to get us to change the toilet paper roll once it got empty)

- "I would get Christmas decorations for my office, but only if I could find a light-up sign that spells out 'KILL ALL ELFS.' "

- (After the smoke alarm had been going off sporadically all night, Dad ripped it off the wall, yanked out the batteries, and threw it all on the floor) "There, I fixed it."

- "You kids are so dumb. Denise, why are our kids so damn dumb?"

- (While standing idly by and watching my mom bag all the groceries) "You know, if you were faster we'd be done by now."

- (After the printer had been malfunctioning all day, he grabs it from the desk, takes it into the garage, and hurls it across the floor, causing it to shatter into a million pieces) "We need a new printer."

- "You kids don't know how to hold the door open for people. So now we're going to have Door Practice." (All afternoon we had Door Practice.)

- "For Halloween I wanted to be a Wal-Mart employee. But when I went to Wal-Mart they wouldn't give me one of those blue vests."