Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Art, Affluence, Acidophilus, and Ascots

Commuting by bicycle puts you in touch with your surroundings like no other mode of transport can. Unfortunately, being in touch isn't always a good thing, and sometimes you just want to turn the phone off and pretend it isn't happening. (Especially when it's really hot out.) Notheless, I decided to take the call this morning on my commute by firing up the old Instamatic. Here's what the city had to say for itself:

As I rode along the approach to the Manhattan Bridge bike path, I was moved by this little bit of found art: a lone, wayward derailleur pulley juxtaposed with a painted yellow line tarred with the skidmarks of a thousand errant fixies. To me, this expressed beautifully the feeling of isolation and despair that only the geared urban rider knows as the new generation of fixed-gear rider passes him by on a yellow brick road to nowhere. I stopped briefly to capture this stirring image, then picked up the pulley and put it in my non-collabo, non-messenger bag. So if you lost a derailleur pulley on the Brooklyn side of the Manhattan bridge and you want it back just let me know. Otherwise I'm going to run a shifter cable through it and wear it around my neck, both as a testament to the versaitility of geared drivetrains and as a whimsical little bauble to complement my bangles.

As I crossed the span of the bridge, this serendipitous bit of art still fresh in my mind, I came upon some "real" art in the form of the New York City Waterfalls. If you're not familiar with them, they're basically scaffoldings that spew water, they're the work of some Danish artist named Olafur Eliasson, and there's a bunch of them in the East River now. This one happens to not be working at the moment, but I assure you they're no more impressive when they are. They look like something you'd use to wash your boat. (In fact, some kayakers were dumb enough to try, which leads me to believe that kayakers may be the fixed-gear riders of the seas.) Anyway, thanks for nothing, Olafur.

With summer comes a decrease in clothing, and with a decrease in clothing comes unwitting underwear exposure. I will never understand why cyclists cannot get it together to keep their posteriors covered. Either it's some guy on a road bike in the park with translucent shorts worn to cheesecloth, or it's some triathlete in a full aero tuck wearing go-go bikini bottoms, or it's some fixed-gear rider whose decorative belt does little to keep his pants above his waistline. This morning I was confronted with the latter. The picture is blurred so as not to unduly shame him, but in the few minutes I spent riding behind him I learned more than I wanted to know--mainly that he wears pink underpants, and that these pink underpants are separating from their elastic waistband and are in dire need of replacement. (Also, they do not match his aero rims. If you're going to ride around with your underwear out, at least color-coordinate.) So please, let's all of us as cyclists make a concerted effort to pay as much attention to what's behind us as we do to what's in front of us.

I'd only just recovered from the fixed-gear rider's decaying pink underthings when my progress was obstructed by a Town Car in the bike lane. I thought to myself, "Well, there must be an incredibly important personage in that car if the driver needed to stop in the middle of the bike lane in order to disgorge that personage." Sure enough, the passenger was incredibly important: she was a wealthy middle-aged woman who, judging from her bag, had been shopping at Gracious Home and was no doubt about to further stimulate the economy by distributing some more of her wealth throughout SoHo. Certainly in these dire economic times we should be happy to surrender our bike lanes to people like these, as we should do nothing to impede their spending. After all, aren't bike lanes just train platforms for the rich?

Brimming with goodwill for the wealthy, I rode around the car for a look at the driver, who it would seem had not read that Globe and Mail article about "awkward bunching" in the "crotch area." Furthermore, I had an uneasy feeling that he might be Fofonov behind the wheel. This revelation put a whole new spin on his passenger's presumed endeavors, and also explained her easy and carefree gait, her apparent solvency, and the way she shook her sensible haircut.

Just as I had resigned myself to a future in which bike lanes are simply places for rich shoppers, foffing off, and illicit sexual liaisons, I came upon what appeared to be justice being served. Clearly, the taxi had been idling in the bike lane, and the police were giving him a ticket. In fact, the driver appeared to be getting his license and registration in order.

As I passed, though, I realized I had been mistaken. The cab driver was simply pulling the foil top off a container of cool, delicious yogurt. Which leads me to believe that in addition to everything else that's happening in bike lanes, they're now also places for cab drivers to have breakfast with police protection. They really should change those painted stencils of cyclists in the bike lane to cabbies shoving mouthfuls of yogurt into their faces. It would be much less confusing for us cyclists.

As joyful as riding a bicycle in New York City can be, is it any wonder that clothing stores like Brooklyn Industries would try to sell the concept of it to people? I've got to hand it to them, though, they've really nailed it here. Nothing says "cycling in 90 degree weather" like jeans and a scarf. Looking into this window was like looking into a mirror. I doffed my felt fedora to my inanimate counterpart, adjusted my scarf, pulled down my pants to expose my lime green underpants, straddled my ironic orange julius bike, and moved on, confident in the knowledge that my lifestyle had been validated.

I saw some guy (pushing 300 lbs) riding with a lime green spaghetti string thong sticking out of his too small cutoff jean shorts about a week ago. I instantaneously thought of YOU at the sight of such an atrocity, I hope you're proud of yourself. Unfortunately, I did not have a camera with me, otherwise I'd share it with all of you. Now that I think of it, I should have taken note of the bike manufacturer, clearly their tubing is far superior to handle that kind of heft. Maybe the thong usage is a big boy thing??? Any insight would be helpful, for all you roundbodies out there.

Ah the sights you see on the ride to and from work. For instance I was riding very early morning down my favorite road when I saw a freshly hit cat. Now mind you this wasn't irregular as such but this kitty was special. Dead, flacid kitty was adorned with flowers! Around and utop the feline were fleshly picked white roses. Arranged meticulously but by who?? A grief stricken motorist? A fellow commuter? Either way it was a strange sight.

omg, do you want me to write you the 'greenway' version? complete with... wait, i guess it's not AS fun as this. just horse poop, roller bladers taking up the entire path, service cars, tourists, etc. same old,,,j

"Bike Culture" seems to have developed it's own corollary bizarro scene, that of "Bike Lane Culture", which I believed you stumbled upon this AM.

Perhaps soon we may witness the dawn of BikeLaneSnobNYC, a derivative blog replete with biting social commentary and thought-provoking deconstructions of shopping minutiae, yogurt collabo oddities, and police protection tales of woe? The commenters will complain about all the damn bikers.

I had a minor stroke over the "kayakers are the fixsters of the sea" and won't be returning to work today.

1) If your lifestyle has just been validated, does that mean that parking your life in a dead end job is now free of charge?

2) Is the guy who lost the derailer pulley part of the tight-knit culture of Impromptu-Single-Speed-Riders? Or is he part of the loosely woven clique of Guys Pushing Broken Bikes? If it's the last, not the latter, I saw one of his brothers on the way into work today, pushing a bike with a flat tire. Shoulda brought the seat bag with the extra tube, style boy...

3) That middle-aged ueber consumerette in the picture has some very nice assets, in light of the circumstances. I'd heard the ChiCom government was selling off the internal organs of political prisoners, but I didn't realize they'd sunken to selling the dissenting, pert buttocks of Falun Gong to the wives of hedge fund managers from Greenwich. Gotta love globalization...

4) Why are you brimming with goodwill for the wealthy? Just because the top 5% of the population pays over 50% of net taxes, and the top 50% pay over 97% of net the taxes, doesn't mean you can let up on the bastards. We're totally takin' your Fine Arts Graduate card away if you keep that shit up. Oh, wait, I get it, that comment was supposed to be eyeronic. Right... Well then, Campagnolo to the Campesinos, comrade.

5) You mentioned lime green underpants. Like a lime green polo bike, did you spend the whole winter, and thousands, building them up? Or did you just buy them off Craigslist at vastly inflated prices, and if so did they come with fixed gear skidmarks?

Had you been keeping up with the previous postings regarding the serious nature of shorts you would know that non-bib shorts are popular because you can roll them down to pee while riding (to the right in the States and to the left in continental europe).

Cycling shorts wont give you plumber's crack. Tri shorts may. Ironically Tri shorts have better chamois. They don't have a stack height like some bike shorts and dry quickly in case you get confused which hemisphere you're in and wet your pants.

Snob, no comment on indignities bike commuting in NYC is complete without mentioning litter. My commute involves 2 major parks in the Bronx, and the Hudson River Bike Path.What should be a beautiful ride is marred by the realization that New Yorkers treat their parks like personal garbage dumps. Parks does a great job of cleaning up every day, but it's a Sisyphean daily task. Mondays are the worst. This past monday, the bike path through Ft. Washington Park was literally a half-mile of broken glass, as some miscreant(s), dumped every trash can in search of bottles to break on the path.

First, that derailleur pulley has been sitting on the Bridge for about a week. It's yours. The owner probably doesn't know it's missing.

Second, The Waterfalls are more impressive at night when lit. ("Lit" being the adjective for the installation, not the viewer.) They are less impressive during the day. If it helps, think of them by their alternative title: "Urinals of the Gods."

Third, ka_jun beat me to it. That Paul Steely White Wannabe may have accidently thrown his Fruit of the Looms in with his Code Red T-shirt.

Fourth, Fofonov? Isn't it more likely that The Zohar provided the shopper's sensible hair cut and put the spring in that well-heeled step?

Fifth, you missed an opportunity to teach tolerance by explaining to the yogurt eating cabbie that in the great Cosmic Bank of Tolerance, lactose tolerance is not the same as lactate threshold tolerance; hence no reason for him to be in the bike lane.

Finally, on riding apparel and the heat: I feel your pain. I've taken today and yesterday off because..., well I'd rather not say why.

I'll just say I've got a long ride planned and, in the words of John Wayne Bobbit, "I need some time to heal."

And maybe some of that Loire Vally Foie Gras chamois cream that I hear works wonders.

Speaking of commuting by bicycle, here's a little exerpt from an article in the Atlanta Journal Constitution:"Horrified by his first $70 trip to the gas station, Schatz drove to a bike shop last month, plunked down $2,500 on a new touring bicycle and began two-wheel commuting from his Grant Park home to his office in West Midtown."

It then goes on to say that he got hit by a car and broke both elbows (i didn't know that was a bone, but if the AJC says so...). They also mention the rise in accidents as people who haven't ridden a bike since they were 12 are getting back on them to commute.

Good ol' craig's list is about to blow with commuter bike for sale ads. And $2500? I wish that salesman (or woman) worked for me.

@ant1st: there are still not exactly hordes of office workers riding around on $2K bikes in ITP Atlanta. It is true, however, that on the wrong street you will get hit immediately by an Escalade driver and/or fall into an uncovered storm grate. But theres no reason to go to West Midtown anyway.Ah, Atlanta.

this is just painful. i am hoping its a sarcastic joke of somekind, if not, shame on you prolly for bringing this to anyone's attention. i feel the wind sucking out of the fixed gear fenomina, no doubt these idiots are starting to wonder why they got so excited about a bike in the 1st place, and what might be a comfy exit strategy from the scene.

Emily - no there aren't yet, and the AJC is doing its part in scaring any potential new ones. maybe next they'll do an article on how bike lanes destroy the environment. I definitely agree on the west midtown thing though, and raise you the rest of midtown and buckhead.

For those of you unfamiliar with Atlanta, it is one of the worst run and most cyclists unfriendly cities around. The only upside is mild winters without snow on the ground. You can ride 365 days a year (as long as you don't mind 100 degrees and 100% humidity).

uh..the way you pee with bibs is by rolling up a leg - same as pulling down the waist on non-bibs

i saw someone else suffer an indiginity today that I loved....

my commute brought me to cambridge ma, to watch the tour at the bike friendly redbones bbq...i left via the notoriously dangerous massachussetts avenue. at each light i stopped at (and there are many) the same helmet-less, geared salmon flew through the intersection, by the next light i'd pass him and stop for the red and watch him fly through again with no regard for his own safety or even that of peds in crosswalks. by the third or fourth cycle of this i was getting weary of the monotomy of it all when...a cop - an actual bicycle cop- pulled the guy over after he ran the light and started writing a ticket - i was so excited that when the light turned green as i rode past the poor idiot i said "thanks officer for keeping the streets safe!" I've been waiting for years to see a douche on a bike get a ticket!

yeah, critical mass astonishes me - why cant the idiots who participate in that figure out that the way to do it to get hundreds of cylists to OBEY THE RULES all at once instead of BREAK THEM all at once

I think, and someone please correct me if I'm wrong, that critical mass is more of a "fuck you" to none cyclists rather than a "please take us seriously". I would guess that if they got off their asses, they could probably get a parade or protest permit and have police protection and the ability to ignore laws rather than police retaliation (which they deserve, based on what they do).

Maybe there would be more commuters in tha ATL if Mavic came out with some rims that keep spinning when the bike is standing still. I spent 4 years in Gwinnett Co. and most commuters were DUI types weaving around on Magnas and daydreaming about Camaros.

Again if anyone has had the misfortune of reading the scary neo con right wing (besides being right about overdevelopment) blog Queens crap??Like i have recently, they were seriously joking about hitting bike commuters in the new bike lane on Vernon which i take often and many others do around here.Its a new lane but it really upset these knuckledraggers who linked bike advocates with condo real estate billionaires(nonsense).Made me feel special for also living around these murderous dipshit folks with SUV's and pickups in Astoria.They made comments on three different posts having to do with bike licenses, and bike lanes.These tards really think we dont already pay taxes for "their" roads and need to have a bike license like these real bad drivers.The air smells like burnt shit and milk in my part of Astoria.Its taken out of everyones paycheck to pay for roads.Please comment on this backwards Queens crap blog that also made ignorant statements about the Brooklyn Brewery and owner Hindy. These idiots need to move to maybe move to fricking Idaho.

There would be more commuters in ATL if Mavic came out with some rims that could put up with the potholes... never trued a damn wheel as much as I have since I moved here.Old Midtown= the part built more than 15 years ago (east of W. Ptree). Huh, maybe I'm the only one that calls it that?And ATL Critical Mass... no comment.

They're moving to my state in droves(UT). You can keep the eastcoast SUV's! Between butt fuck Californian and Idahoan drivers I've got ultimate soccer moms who can't see past the hood of their lifted Super Duty's with dvd's playin for their bastards, while rappin with their psych on the cell for new anti-psychotics all while feeding their faces with Mc D's and a load of Costco groceries. When I wear, "THAT SUV MAKES YOU LOOK FAT" stickers. I MEAN IT!! You should see the fuckin droves man..

To reference a classic in regards to Broomie "dork dork dork". In two days he has stated that Triathletes can climb and roadies wear shorts not bibs.

I suppose some triathletes can climb compared to dentists on Serrottas.

Also Roadies wear bibs. You simply pull up the leg and pee, or if cut low pull down the top. This can be performed with very minimal um. . . wetting of the leg. I'm proof that you don't even have to be hung to pull this off successfully.

I guess my point is that Tri-geeks shouldn't comment on road cycling, Ever.

...gotta agree w/ the sentiments of those who see critical mess as being not much more than waving a red flag in the face of a now misunderstanding public...

..."we're loud, we are unruly & obnoxious & we like to party" isn't much of a statement, when in reality, we're talking about basic human rights, the safety of human lives & creating "alternative" yet feasible transportation...

When you are middle-aged and have a gut and love handles, bibs do not cut into your sides the way shorts do. Discussion over. If you are going to gross out the public by stuffing your fat ass into lycra, you might as well be comfortable while you do it.

Hey BGW given your stunning podium today, does this mean Cadel will podium Alpe d'Huez in response.... just curious as per my query last week. And will you be able to pass doping controls????

Finally if the States pee to the right and continential Europe to the left, does this mean places like the Antipodes riders must hope to get over the handle bars to avoid top tube slash back...., so this is why the FG crew have tob tube pads

Wow, we are living up to what we really are here in the comments today. What is that, obviously, just a bunch of toddlers. We are bib wearing, diaper wearing (okay, yes we really call it a chamios), nipple sucking (look at the post two days ago on waterbottles), selfish (or will you let me ride your bike?)little brats who want another toy (or are you not shopping for your next bike, really, seriously??)Oh and the triathletes amongst us are wearing hand me downs (that's why their shorts and shirts are too short).

Anyway, I am not implying there is a thing wrong with the above. I am merely pointing it out. I am one as well.

Andrew said... yeah, critical mass astonishes me - why cant the idiots who participate in that figure out that the way to do it to get hundreds of cylists to OBEY THE RULES all at once instead of BREAK THEM all at once
said...

Andrew said: "yeah, critical mass astonishes me - why cant the idiots who participate in that figure out that the way to do it to get hundreds of cylists to OBEY THE RULES all at once instead of BREAK THEM all at once"

That would be as successful and every bit as probable as some Palestinian leader acting like he ever heard of Gandhi.

I was being muscled off the road by a Lexus, a BMW, and a Mercedes all driven by uptight rich dudes.

The thought crossed my mind with all these guys waiving their penises around life would be so much easier if I had a machete!

I know sick and twisted, but every time I'm driven into the gutter I figure they're trying to compensate for something. I conclude the same thing when I see guys in really big trucks that are jacked up six feet in the air that only get 6 miles per gallon.

Tho not watching the tour out of disgust I am actually some. I know the commercials are terrible and sometimes it it is OK to poke fun at Phil & Paul (avoid Roll at all costs tho he wrote some great & funny pieces in Velonews in 90-91). Just to let you all know not to take so much viewing entitlement for granted - to see how GREG was doing in 86 would set the alarm for 2AM to go out and buy the first NY times off the news stand for 100 words of coverage. Yes Greg can be wierd but as a rider he lived in another universe - should not be reviled by lesser men/boys (I know this is off topic)

Andrew,Do you get all excited When you see someone walking a bike with a flat? They should carry a spare! Would you enjoy seeing some closed head injury trauma? They should wear a helmet! Why do people get so outraged that someone using the same vehicle is breaking the law? Drivers don't care. They saw some kid run a stop sign in 1994, and that'll keep them justified in their road rage directed at cyclists for years to come. That's the thing about the PDX bike attack- why the fuck did some douche feel the need to verbally abuse some drunk?

And salmon go upstream, so unless you were riding against traffic too, he was just a guppy like the rest of us.

Sort of an unrelated post, but could someone please comment on the phenomenon of fat guys, in full team kit, whipping along at 16 mph on their shiny Cervelos? This is a recent trend I've noticed where there is a preponderance of fat dudes riding Cervelo carbon around Manhattan bike paths.

What is it about Cervelo carbon in particular that makes them so well suited to servicing the fat cycling enthusiast with a penchant for loudly colored spandex?

Do fat dudes, in choosing ultralight, ultra-expensive Cervelo, believe that the weight savings of the frame combined with the highest end grouppo allows them free reign to consume as many french fries as they want?

My best guess is a fat dude, upon sitting on a powermeter rigged bike finds that their first pedal stroke pumps out 600 watts and ignoring the subsequent 75 watt flatline, compares themselves to Cancellara?

Does this fat dude visit a bike store and say to himself: "Boy, I sure could save some money and buy that Cannondale for 800 bucks, but the weight savings of the Cervelo frame will allow me to retain an extra fifty pounds of lard!"

Has anyone in their daily commutes happened upon grotesquely snapped whippy seat stays with CSC logos on them?

As you might be able to tell, I am flabbergasted at the high correlation between fat and Cervelo and want to know why not fat and Colagno, or fat and BMC, or even fat and De Rosa?

Sorry, nothing against fat people in general, I'm just taken by this seemingly incomprehensible phenomena.

Cervelo, however great their bikes may be, has become the "it" brand amongst the wealthy. These dudes want to get into cycling, they have plenty of money to spend on the soon to be ex-hobby, but no knowledge or desire to do research. All they've heard is that cervelos are the best, so they go out and buy one. It's like Lexus or Louis Vuitton... It's about status.

Bitch all you want about the trend, and trust me, I do, but it really doesn't affect us self-described serious real cyclists. What it does is provide us with an easy stereotype to rail against. We should thank them, and cervelo for sponsoring the practice.

By the way: Fofonov is solidly in the yellow jersey group approaching Huez. The pace seems a little hard though.

I wasn't the one to complain about fat guys on nice bikes. I complained about self loathing, self apponted law enforcement wannabe's.

I want to know where all those pricy bikes go when the rich guys move on to Extreme golf or whatever is next on their list. I would really like a 5 year old Litespeed, and I figure there are about a million of them in storage rooms and garages gathering dust.

Ok. I just jailbroke my iphone 3g 3.O and i was wondering how you get pictures on the back of your app pages because my friend has like fish on his ipod touch so i was wondering how you do it on the iphone. Thx.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!