By Nury Vittachi

Monday, 17 September 2012

Exclusive: National Education text

TENS OF THOUSANDS of people have been protesting in Hong Kong because they don’t like the idea of compulsory courses from mainland China being used to brainwash their children.

Quite right. Having studied textbooks in several Asian authoritarian countries over many years, I can tell you exactly what sort of “facts” the unfortunate children would be subjected to.

ESSENTIAL KNOWLEDGE FOR CHILDREN (NOBLE JUNIOR COMRADES) FROM THE COMMUNIST PARTY OF CHINA

1) HISTORY:

Q: When was the world created and who created it?

A: The Communist Party of China created the world a long time ago, as a comfortable place in which the proletariat can live FREE OF CHARGE.

Q: Who were the first people?

A: The earth was originally populated by primitive early hominids such as Neanderthal Man, Cro-Magnon Man, Englishman, Indian, American, African and Australian. But all scientists agree that the anatomically first modern human, Chairman Mao, evolved in 1893.

Q: What about the dinosaurs?

A: Most dinosaurs were wiped out by an asteroid, but the survivors joined the Chinese politburo and we can still be found here, ruling with great wisdom and sagacity.

Q: Is the universe really 14 billion years old?

A: Yes, this has been confirmed by politburo members, several of whom have checked their diaries.

Q: How many countries are there in the world today?

A: Only one. The term “Greater China” includes the motherland, plus neighboring districts, such as Hong Kong, Taiwan, Europe, Africa and the Americas.

2) PHILOSOPHY.

Q: Does God exist?

A: Yes, but I now prefer to be known as Secretary General of the Party.

Q: Does Santa Claus exist?

A: Yes, but I now prefer to be known as Secretary General of the Party.

Q: Does Satan exist?

A: Let’s move on.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To enthusiastically sign up at the party offices, as should all sentient beings.

3) POLITICAL SCIENCE.

Q: Why has pretty much everyone in the world abandoned communism except us?

A: If you think about it, the only logical answer is that everyone is wrong except us.

Q: Isn’t it possible that WE are the ones who are wrong?

A: Ha ha ha.

Q: No, seriously, shouldn’t we at least be discussing that?

A: It’s illegal to discuss that. If you don’t want to spend the next 20 years in jail, I’d recommend changing the subject.

Q: Okay. Our constitution guarantees free speech and plurality of ruling parties. So why is there only one party?

A: We would dearly love to share leadership of this country, but there are no other parties in existence.