Ronald Koeman Burns Down Martin O’Neill’s House

Ronald Koeman set fire to Martin O’Neill’s house this morning in the latest tit-for-tat blow between the pair. O’Neill’s family were not home at the time, though his pet dog — Emile Husky — is in a coma having suffered smoke inhalation.

Blunder

“Another blunder from the master tactician,” the Republic of Ireland manager told Soccer on Sunday. “I remember torching Paolo Di Canio’s house when we traded a few insults in the press, but 2013 was a different time. Football has moved on. And what’s with Ronald walking away without looking at the blaze? He didn’t even turn around when the gas ignited and the house blew up. Showboating, in my book. But that’s the Dutch for you.”

“I think Ronald will be a wee bit disappointed when he’s had a chance to reflect,” added O’Neill. “Especially when he finds out that I nipped around this afternoon to seduce Mrs Koeman and make sweet, sweet love to her on his kitchen table.”

Koeman

Koeman insists that he has nothing to apologise for.

“Of course, it’s not the most pleasant thing when you burn down another manager’s house,” he told Soccer on Sunday. “I remember when I burnt down Louis Van Gaal’s house, his pet fish Ruud Mullet was tragically killed by smoke inhalation. That weighed heavily on me. But sometimes burning down someone’s house is the only language they understand.”

“I burn down Martin’s house, he passionately ravishes my wife on my kitchen table,” added the Dutchman. “Banter, as you English say. I will still have a glass of wine with Martin when he next visits Goodison Park. Then I’ll smash the empty bottle over his head, dismember and dispose of his stinking Irish corpse, and that will be the end of it. This is normal.”