It's nappies at dawn: The rise of the cyber-bully parent

With anger, bullying and bitchiness spreading from the school gate to internet forums, Anna Moore asks whether the pressures of being the perfect parent are turning saintly mothers into online demons

Sandra first discovered Mumsnet seven years ago, shortly after the birth of her first child. ‘I was two stone overweight and stuck at home with a fractious baby,’ she recalls. ‘My friends were at work and I felt isolated, frumpy and incompetent. I heard about this website where mums could log on and chat. They couldn’t see my postnatal body and were there at the click of a mouse, whenever I had a moment free.’

In her first posting, Sandra confessed guiltily to plonking her tiny son in front of the TV and received a flood of cheerful replies reassuring her that her son would survive the neglect. ‘Suddenly, I felt I had some funny, clever friends – albeit invisible, anonymous ones – who really understood my new life as no one else could. Before long, I was spending half the day posting prolifically, glued to the screen.’

Last month Mumsnet celebrated its tenth birthday with much fanfare (Sarah and Gordon Brown attended the party). The parenting website claims one million visitors a month, most of whom, like Sandra, are female (95 per cent), educated (70 per cent have a degree or equivalent) and well off.

‘Mumsnet Woman’ is, we’ve been told, this year’s ‘Worcester Woman’ – capable of swinging the election vote. Each main party leader has dutifully trudged over to Mumsnet headquarters for an online discussion, in the process receiving a barrage of posts, some that are aggressive and charmless, and others inane (Gordon Brown damaged his credibility by failing to reveal his favourite biscuit).

But for mothers too, Mumsnet is by no means a guaranteed haven of comfort and support. As the years passed and Mumsnet grew, Sandra became aware of increasing levels of bickering, bitching and bullying on the forum. ‘A comment about something as innocuous as party bags could trigger intense fury,’ she says. ‘A mob mentality would build up and fierce rows would spring from nothing. What passes for “advice” comes in the form of words you’d never say to a person’s face. “You sound like a brat. Grow up” is a pretty typical answer to a heartfelt outpouring of personal distress.’

‘When you’re on the receiving end of so much hate, you can’t just log off and laugh it away’

A quick browse backs this up. ‘You sound utterly deranged,’ one user tells another. ‘Brat brat brat [repeated 13 times]. Get over yourself’, ‘advises’ someone else. A woman who expresses concern over ‘foul language on Mumsnet’ is rounded on. ‘Off you f***, dearie’ writes the first respondent. ‘Oh b*******, can I be bothered to reply?’ yawns another. Though Gina Ford famously threatened to sue Mumsnet for libel over what’s generally believed to be one random posting, the abuse had built up over two years and was not confined to her childcare methods. (Ford collected 21 pages of evidence, in which she was routinely referred to as ‘evil’, ‘psychopathic’ and a ‘child hater’.)

For Sandra, the turning point came during a debate about education (she won’t reveal any more as she knows that this article will be posted on Mumsnet and users will try to identify her). ‘There was a difference of opinion and lots of the posters I’d come to regard as friends rounded on me really viciously. I was told to “f*** off”, to “get a life”. When you’re on the receiving end of so much hate, you can’t just log off and laugh it away. I was physically shaking and felt sick. I didn’t go back online for months, and when I did, I used a different name so no one recognised me. Now I hardly use it at all.’

To be fair, Mumsnet isn’t the only place where you’ll find that Alphamum has morphed into Prizebitch. For many mothers, there is nowhere quite so intimidating as the school gate at drop-off time. Within weeks of your child’s reception year, you’ll find yourself grappling with unspoken rules around dress code (that’s your dress code, not your child’s), mode of transport, packed lunches, after-school teas, after-school clubs – the list is endless.

‘When my daughter started school and didn’t know anyone, I allowed her to invite ten children to her birthday party,’ says Tanya, 41. ‘That guest list caused so much drama among the mums, with angry texts flying around, crisis coffee meetings. It was a baptism of fire. Five years on, some people still haven’t forgiven me.’

So what is going on? How can motherhood turn a previously rational, reasoned woman into another mother’s worst enemy?

Psychologist Susan Ashbourne believes that identity shift is key. ‘Becoming a mother is such a major transition,’ she says. ‘Before, you were someone’s partner or daughter, probably a working woman, and suddenly you’re at home, asking, “Who shall I be now?” There are all sorts of changes in social groupings. It’s a bit like reverting to your own childhood and finding an identity and a peer group, a place to belong. It can make you feel immensely insecure.’

And, as many of us may recall from our own adolescence, there’s nothing like insecurity to bring out the worst in some people. Child development expert and author of Self-esteem for Girls: 100 Tips for Raising Happy and Confident Children Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer agrees. ‘The wider context is the huge pressure on parents to be perfect,’ she says. ‘Mothers who have been successful in their previous lives want to be successful in child-rearing too. They decide what camp they belong to – be it Gina Ford or the Baby Whisperer, the stay-at-home camp or the working mums – and gather on the dividing lines. If you feel insecure and vulnerable, you present a greater degree of certainty to hide it. You have to be right, and show no cracks. From the outside, it can seem a lot like bullying.’

Justine Roberts, co-founder of Mumsnet, makes the point that, when our children are involved, emotions run high. ‘The sensitive issues are ones that involve guilt,’ she says. ‘Breast- or bottle-feeding, childcare, going back to work. It’s fair to say that people can be aggressive – unlike some sites, we let people post opinions that the original poster may not want to hear.’

At times, Roberts admits, users cross the line into personal abuse, and it’s necessary to have a few words. ‘We don’t want to sound like schoolteachers looking over our spectacles, and we don’t do it publicly,’ she says. ‘If someone has made personal attacks, we may contact them off board and it’s amazing how often they’ll say, “I’m so sorry – yesterday was just one of those days”. Mothers often have a lot going on in their lives and they don’t always realise how their words may come across.’

It’s also worth noting that many Mumsnet users seem to be online for vast chunks of the day and into the night. (‘This place is worse than crack’ is one complaint.) Anyone familiar with Mumsnet has probably wondered whether it comes to replace real friends for many users – and how isolated these must be. A recent study found that chatting online triggers intense feelings of loneliness. Another study found that people who spent less time online reported better relationships with friends and family.

Sandra has no doubt that stepping away from Mumsnet enabled her to slowly build solid, real friendships with local mums like herself. ‘There are the same sensitive areas in real life – but you negotiate them with tact because you have so much more invested in the relationship,’ she says. ‘When you need help, you get it from someone who genuinely cares.’

For all mums, Susan Ashbourne suggests showing your vulnerability, admitting at times that you ‘don’t know’, that you’re struggling. Mumsnet is always at its best when someone admits they’re not coping – whether it be with a miscarriage, an aggressive toddler or a violent partner. The result will be a thousand posts offering practical and emotional support. In the playground too, when crisis comes – a breast-cancer diagnosis or marital separation are two examples – other mums will rally round. ‘When you let down your guard and no longer feel you have to present the image of the perfect mother, others will respond in kind,’ she says.

And if you have found yourself gathered on a dividing line, ready to do battle, Ashbourne urges that you step back and ask yourself a few awkward questions. ‘Why are you being pulled into this? Why are you comparing yourself to others?’ she asks. ‘Examine your expectations. You really don’t have to be perfect.’

‘At the end of the day, other people’s approach to parenting shouldn’t matter,’ adds Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. ‘Just as there’s no one way to be a child, there’s no one way to be a mother. Your own special relationship, your own personality, your genuineness are all you have to offer. When you start comparing, playing games and worrying what everyone else is thinking, your child is the one who loses out.’