Broken.

20 April 2014

I have a half-written Easter post filled with joy and smiles
and the lovely abundance of favor I’ve felt lately… but shortly after writing it found myself gasping for breath as my heart was broken.

I went out to the HOPE center today to hang out with
patients and met a beautiful little girl.She and I just chatted back and forth a bit, I learned her name and age and
how many siblings she had, and told her who I was. Another Mercy Shipper came over
to join us, one that knew a bit of her history, and I came to find out she has
already had a consultation with us and her case is being evaluated, but doesn't look good. Now she’s
just waiting to find out if we can fix her broken face.

Then she looked me straight in the eye and pleaded
with me, Please don’t forget me. Please don’t
forget my case, please help me.Every
day it’s always the same thing and it hurts me when I’m sleeping and when I’m
awake. Please don’t forget about me.

I felt my heart break, right then and there.I wished I didn’t speak French.I wished we could go back to chatting about
her little brothers.I wished I could
hold her tight and tell her with all certainty that yes of course we could help
and we would and everything would be okay and she could live the normal life
she dreamed of living… that her dreams for her future really could come true.

I took a deep breath, translated her words to my colleague,
and quickly turned my face away from them into the afternoon breeze… no amount
of clenching my jaw and holding my breath would stop the tears from stinging in my eyes and eventually rolling down
my cheeks.

A bit later as we were driving home and again I was unable
to control the tears, a battle raged in my head.One side was thinking pull it together! You’re fine! Suck it up, STOP IT!... and I wassurprised by the intensity of the physical pain I was feeling for this little one.

And then the still small voice whispered It’s okay. My heart is breaking too.

And I remembered that song that I’ve sung hundreds of times
that has the line in it –

Break my heart for
what breaks Yours*.

And this is it.

My heart was not the only one breaking, God’s heart breaks
with mine.We were not created for this…
we were meant to enjoy paradise in Eden free of pain and tears and broken faces.
And I’m glad it hurts - because I don’t
ever want my heart to become hard towards the people I’m here to help and the
suffering and pain and broken faces in the world.

And once again I am glad I can feel… because that means I am
alive. And I will still find the joy and celebrate life, even in the broken moments.

I also believe in a God that still performs miracles, and
that the power that we are celebrating today in His resurrection from the dead
rests upon each one of us that call on His name. Please pray for this precious
little one, that what can’t be healed by the hand of man will be healed by the loving
touch of the Father.

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About Me

Currently blogging from Cambridge, Massachusetts

Disclaimer:

This is my personal blog. The views and opinions expressed here are my own and do not reflect the views and opinions of any organization or institution with which I am currently or was once affiliated. This includes but is not limited to Mercy Ships, Harvard University, University of Liverpool, Peace Corps, or the US Government.