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Finding Your Village

This past week I visited San Francisco for two days as part of a conference for writers who blog for Babycenter’s MOMformation. Aside from the informative sessions, I was just giddy to get away with only one of my four kids for a few days and have a proper excuse to wear make-up and coordinated outfits.

That in itself was well worth the 5-hour plane ride with my wee one on my lap. Phew!

Luckily, I found plenty of moms, like Marie from Make and Takes, to hold the baby when I was there and give my arms and back a little break.

Even though I’m surrounded by lovely moms in my neighborhood, as well as a slew of other fabulous ladies in my online circle, I don’t often actually have a chance to just sit, talk, and pick their brains – something I find to be a fabulous learning tool. We’re all busy with our lives and our children, and other than reading blogs in my free time (which is now dwindled down to when I sleep and guess what? I choose sleep!), I don’t really find myself making the connections that I need to stay afloat.

I’m a member of my local homeschooling group, which has a thriving, active email list, though I’ve yet to actually attend a function. And I have many friends who I see on a weekly basis when we run into each other out playing with our children. But it’s never more than a passing “Hello!” or “How are things?”

Regardless of our schooling choices, we all need supporters, cheering squads, and kindred spirits because mothering is hard. And if there’s anything that I’ve learned over the past seven years of being a mother, it’s that I don’t have all the answers.

But I think with homeschooling in particular, it can be very isolating, especially if you’re in an area that doesn’t have a lot of homeschoolers. I’m in a city with a plethora of activities, clubs, and meet-ups and even I often feel alone.

So after my little getaway, I made a vow to myself that I’d make more of an effort to make my own connections. I’m so worried about ensuring that my children get them that I’m not doing the same for me.

1. Seek out kindred spirits on the Internet

Ree has been so kind to offer me this opportunity and in doing so, she has introduced me to all of her lovely readers – many of whom (you!) comment and offer such wonderful support and suggestions. While I don’t comment back as often as I would like, do know that I appreciate your thoughts and I often click over to those of you who have blogs.

On this trip, I met a lovely homeschooling mom of 4 (just like me!) named Molly and after hearing about our similar lives, it was like a moth to a flame. Talking with her was inspiring and relieving. I hope to find more online friends to help keep me sane when things seem completely out of control. Does that ever go away? I fear not.

2. Stay connected with in real life friends

Living far away from my family and friends means that I don’t have the in real life support that I could really use, especially with my first year of homeschooling, a husband who travels, and a newborn in the house. But staying in touch, even if it’s just through regular emails, phone calls (gosh, I’m so bad with those!), and Facebook, is something I need to make a priority.

I also want to challenge myself to be more active with the homeschool group and attend at least one event a month. I know I’ll probably meet a bunch of fantastic women who might serve as resources and possibly even friends.

3. Take more time just for me

Being caretaker and educator (and all the other “er” and “or” words that we are) is exhausting and depleting. But in order to be a good one, I need to nurture my own soul. Even if it involves penciling it into the schedule, I will make time for myself to just sit, read, and enjoy the silence. Too often I spend my quiet moments working or doing, and I think in order for me to be fresh and present for my kids, I need to just “be” for a little while.

So tell me how you found your “village,” and what you do to stay sane!

Kristen Chase is a mom of 4, writer, and co-publisher of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, a popular shopping and trendspotting blog for moms. She’s a 2nd generation homeschooler, having been taught middle and high school by her own mother back when people were still using quills and ink wells, and is now a very well-adjusted and socialized homeschool mom herself.

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http://homeschoolonthecroft.blogspot.com/ Homeschool on the Croft

This topic seems to have come up a number of times recently…..maybe y’all are trying to tell me something! I live on a Scottish island, and we have 3 homeschooling families on the whole island (not that many more on the mainland either). I see the other two mums – a bit like you – in the passing, and seldom – VERY seldom – get to sit and ‘pick brains’. There’s less than a year since I began blogging, and although it’s mostly for fun, and for … ‘me’, it’s been the source of amazing contacts and encouragements for me. Still, I’d love more one-on-one contact, and maybe I’ll make more effort to make that a priority. I could maybe e-mail, or IM someone, and that would give much more definite conversations.
Meanwhile, I’m off to your blog! See you there!

http://itchyhomeschooler.blogspot.com/ Marlis

My village consist of many of the same things the author of this post described. I am a member of a great local secular homeschooling group and my online activities include my blog, secularhomeschool.com and friends. This is vital because we have no family here and some days just get really long. I don’t really get much me time, so once a day I take ‘Mommy time-out’. This consists merely of sending the kids upstairs to play while I enjoy a cup of tea alone for 15 minutes. That little ritual is a life saver although I am not sure whose . Luckily I have some great RL friends who support me.

http://www.paintalifestyle.com Barbara

While I am not a Home schooling Mom I know what you are talking about! Once we have children we are “Jessicas’ Mom” instead of Barb! I have found an on line group of women and we chat every morning. I need to get out more and visit friends. They are all crazy busy too, so we do “Play dates” with our children at each others homes. Nights out are few but cherished. My “village” is small but hearty!
Ahhh sun up…another day closer to spring!
Barb

1) I started blogging in September and have totally enjoyed this developing circle of friends, information, and simply learning something new every day. This is my new village and the sights are wonderful. 2) I have found another small village at the local gym. I attend a water aerobics class at 6 am a few times a week. While we are not fitness mavens, we are keeping the blood flowing and the pounds off plus enjoy encouraging and supporting one another. 3) Village number three ~ are the families and children I work with each day. I love them and they are one of the primary reasons I started blogging…to share resources and information online. 4) I get totally caught up in my family, job, and blog so I use various devotional iGoogle apps for devotional thoughts and http://www.biblegateway.com to keep charged and my heart where it needs to be. 5) My beloved family….brings tears to my eyes how blessed I am.

Jenny

I’m still not sure I have any sanity. I also have four children, ages 3-11 and I started homeschooling last year. I have to pray for grace and patience each and everyday. I love my kiddos and don’t think I’d have it any other way though. I do need to get out more.

http://www.dancewhileyoucook.com Judith :: Dance While You Cook

I don’t homeschool, but as a stay-at-home mom to three young kids it can certainly feel chaotic and crazy most of the time. The work of keeping up the house, cooking, cleaning, attending to needs is without end, as you well know. My husband and I have recently instituted an “every-other month” getaway. Each month, one or the other of us takes the weekend away to do whatever it is we please. We flip-flop months. December was his. January is mine. February is his. Etc. The rules are that when it’s your month, you leave everyone behind and go do something that is rejuvenating. He has done climbing trips with friends. I have done girls snowboarding weekends. One month I even stayed home for my away weekend, sending the family away to grandma’s. It was pretty great to be in my home, by myself, and stay in bed until mid-morning! The peace and quiet was just what I needed.

Joy Armstrong

Yep! I feel so much more sane when I am able to connect with my friends who are moms and just chit chat for a while! I build things up in my mind and make them a bigger issue than what they are and talking with my friends about the issue brings it down for me. I have 2 children, but my best friend has 4 and she has voiced the same things you are saying. There is just no time in the day for her to take time to do anything besides feed and clean up after her kids (her oldest is 6). I try to text or give her a call regularly because I know she doesn’t usually feel like she has the time to pick up the phone to call. But just taking a little time to reconnect is so vital to us both. We are a part of a life group through our church and all of the moms in the group (there are six couples) have become my good friends and it is just nice to know that if I ever need anything that I can call them. I need that as a woman and as a mom!

Sharon

I do not homeschool my children, but I do know what you are talking about. I lived in a relatively remote area when my first child was born and had little exposure to other mothers, or anyone for that matter. Before my second child was born, we moved to a neighborhood where we live very close to the elementary school. It was hard, as I tend to be shy, but I took my kids out and met other mothers and my children made friends. I became closer to these women as our children started school. Most of us work outside of the home, and we came to rely on each other for school pick ups and other favors. I found that I was not the only one who found it hard to take help from someone else. But we all need help sometimes and it’s nice to know that there is someone right there that can lend a hand and it also makes me feel good when I can help one of them out. Even if it’s just a quick run to the store without all of the kids.

Linda W.

This is an issue that’s been close to my heart for a while. A few years ago, I was talking with my mom about how all I ever wanted to be was a stay-at-home-mom, based on how much she did and how much fun we had. (She was the 4-H leader, the Girl Scout leader, the Boy Scout leader, the Sunday school teacher, etc. She did it all and made it look SO easy and fun!) When I talked about the guilt I’ve been dealing with; about how I’m not enjoying it all the time, how hard it can be to stay sane with 3 little ones in tow, and “what’s wrong with me?”, she pointed out the fact that much of our generation of moms just doesn’t have the support network that she did.
* Most of us can’t let our young kids just “go outside and play” for hours at a time and run around the neighborhood (or woods) like we did when we were kids.
* When she was a mom, there were many other mothers in the community that stayed at home, as well. If my mom had to go run an errand, it was not a big deal for someone else near by to watch us kids for an hour or so. And she was there to return the favor for them. How many of us have that luxury now?
* The community/neighborhood used to watch out for AND DISCIPLINE other people’s kids. Can you imagine someone from your neighborhood disciplining your child now?
* It’s much more common now for young families to live away from the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins that were there for support. Today many young moms are expecting themselves to make it on their own with only parenting books and on-line support.
* When my mom had young kids, there weren’t magazines and stacks and stacks of books devoted to “how to parent”. While sources like these, and the internet, can give us good ideas, it can also give new parents the idea that they might be doing things “wrong.” Extra pressure we put on ourselves to do things “the right way.”

This discussion with my mom made me feel a lot better. She also pointed out how necessary it is for a stay-at-home parent’s sanity to GET OUT for a while. Even if it’s just to the library to sit in quiet and read the latest magazine (and NOT a parenting one!), she encouraged me to take care of me.

Thank you for this post, Kristen!

http://cowpattysurprise.blogspot.com Nezzy (Cow Patty Surprise)

Sure shootin’ girlfriend…ya gotta find your village and this Ozark Farm Chick know they are there just waitin’ to help…ya just gotta fine ’em. I taught school for many years but my beautiful DIL homeschools her four and is just chucked full of wonderful ideas!

From the sunny hills and hollers of the muddy Missouri Ponderosa, ya’ll have a most wonderfully blessed day!!! :o)

Rose

I actually just had a shallow question, not a helpful comment 🙂 WHERE did you get that adorable top for your baby?? I love it! (Your little one is adorable too!)

Sunnysidemom

I have four little ones, and am homeschooling. My oldest is 7, and youngest is 8 1/2 mos. I am so happy to be able to homeschool…and honestly, I’m a bit of a homebody…well…in the winter anyhow! We have a great group of homeschoolers here in SD. There are many other more seasoned moms of whom I Love spending time with, and picking their brains. I have told my hubby that I really feel like a sponge when I am around them, and it’s just such a great thing to get with them. Some of my homeschool mom friends and I are simply having a moms day out at the end of this month…no kids other than babies. I will take my baby with me, b/c she is still nursing. Really though…I can’t Wait!!!! 😀 It really is important to take the kiddos to the homeschool events. They need to interact with other children….often. It is not my belief that they will not be “socialized” if they don’t see kids every day of the week, however. From what I have observed, homeschooled children can socialize better with different age groups, they can converse much better with an adult or even children much younger than they. Anyhow….being at home with the little ones is just part of it. Facebook has helped me to stay in touch with friends, but it can also be a big time waster. I have resolved to limiting my time on it….but I have been convicted of wanting to honor God with my time. I have a friend that I email with back and forth often throughout the week. She is what really keeps me sane. Just having that one good friend to keep you going….it’s the key, in my opinion. I would think that you could invite one of those closer friends over to your house once in a while to talk on a deeper level. I know what you mean about being in a large group and trying to talk…it’s so much harder. Well good luck with it all! I enjoyed reading your post….made me think of me! 😉

http://www.sdchickinvermont.wordpress.com Jen B.

Well, I don’t homeschool my babies, but I’ve got a 5 yr old and a 2 yr old, with another little person in the oven. We just moved to Vermont, so I’m, again, in the building phase of getting some community around us. When we lived in WA, I found a group of moms that I clicked with and we met once a week at night for a non-formal women’s group. I can’t tell you how helpful it was for all of us. We got to know each other on a level that wasn’t possible during play-dates and I felt less alone in general. It took awhile to find other moms that I felt comfortable with, but it was well worth the wait. I’m hoping to find something like that here in VT. Or starting it myself, if need be. It’s essential to feel seen and heard and connected, however you can accomplish it. Thanks for asking this question… it’s so important.

http://www.revisedexpectations.wordpress.com Kristin

I too am a homeschooling mother of four (ages 15 months to 9 years old) in north Atlanta. I finally made it to a support group meet-up last Friday and I’m determined to force more of them into my schedule! Best of luck with your resolutions. ~K

http://youngmarriedmom.wordpress.com Lindsay (Young Married Mom)

Even though we live in a tight packed family-friendly area of Brooklyn, I am the only mom I know who stays home full time with a little one. Sometimes I am just itching for three o’clock when I can call a teacher friend to have an adult conversation! I agree that scheduling in time for yourself makes a huge difference. I have a couple of standing weekly dates with friends (either to write or work out . . . via Just Dance 2 on our Wii . . . ) that make weeks more manageable and keep me in a good state of mind. Going to Mass every morning keeps things in perspective, too. Good luck with your goals–a happy mom makes for a happy family, and your kids will benefit from your taking care of yourself!

Tammy Brown

As a homeschooling mother of two I’d just like to put a plug in for MOPS, Int’l! Mothers of Preschoolers, and now MOMSNext, for mothers of school-aged children, is a great way to find the mom-support we all need! Look up a local chapter near you and give them a visit!

I loved the last two sentences of your post. Your own heart spoke forth the answer to your own question. Truly, TO BE, to enjoy the present, to sit and be quiet and allow PEACE to reign.
There is such a pull to be distracted in today’s world…alot of noise, and shallow noise at that. I am an oddball to many b/c I don’t Facebook, twitter, and do not text …. I love to communicate the old fashioned way…listening, talking, whether it is by phone or even more precious when it is face to face! (what a concept…smile).
The season of your life is a glorious one so ENJOY it… Enjoy your home, enjoy that precious baby, enjoy your husband, enjoy all the little conversations with your other children, enjoy nature, and enjoy when providence arranges special encounters with friends without you DOING a thing. That is rest.

Be blessed TODAY!

Pam the Goatherd

When my kids were young and we were homeschooling our homeschool support group meetings were my lifeline to sanity. We had “Park Day” once a month at a local park where the kids could just play and we parents (we had dads that were stay-at-home, too) could just hang out and talk about whatever we felt like talking about. It was time I looked forward to. I made some good friendships during those Thursday afternoons.

http://thesagebrushsea.wordpress.com Rachel@TheSagebrushSea

Here, here! My situation is different, but I agree it is important to reach out. These connections keep us sane and hopefully make us better people and parents. I’m struggling to build a new “village” after a big move. I find that stepping outside and taking a walk with my dog, helps me hit the reset button and be present for my kids. Thanks for sharing!

http://crumleyblog.com Alli

My husband’s best friend is a dad of 6 boys and his wife homeschools them all through the Georgia Cyber Academy. We started this year with GCA and our 6 year old in kindergarten. I have found her to be a valuable resource in her years of experience and at the same time she also has a Kindergartener in GCA so we are also traveling the same path. We meet weekly for lunch and chatting- I call it therapy but it is almost like mentoring.

There used to be more homeschooling families in our church, so a group formed from there (which is no longer part of our church) and we have grabbed onto it for field trips and moms nights outs.

Karen B

I stay connected to other moms by attending “Mom to Mom” at our local Wisconsin YMCA….a kind of “Cheers” with day care….a place where everyone knows my name and they are glad that I came. Each week we watch an amazing DVD on parenting and then we discuss how it applies to our family that week. It has transformed a room of “random women” to a room of committed friends. Mom to Mom is a national program that is easy to get started and a great way to connect moms. No fees:)

http://www.shawnanigans.net nancypants

Another homeschooling mom of four here. Four boys! You can come visit me on my blog but I don’t always talk homeschooling… in fact I never know quite what I’m going to blog about. Lately it’s a lot of poems. :^) I also am part of a homeschool group but haven’t been able to join many of their functions just because life has gotten so busy.

But I so need friends. We just moved back home to the SF Bay area after almost 16 years away and other than family, it’s like starting over. I am a social girl — I need friends and kindred spirits. So I decided that I could not just wait for things to happen, I started a ladies book club and our first meeting is tonight. I’m so excited and hopeful that it will grow and become a really great group.

My kids are getting older now (oldest is almost eleven and youngest is 5) so I don’t have several extra appendages and cling-ons anymore which makes making plans just a tad bit easier. When we lived in Canada and it was winter for so much of the year, it was truly isolating as the weather played such a major factor in how much / when we could “get out.” Right now we are also part of a food co-op and that gives us another thing to do outside the house with other people. I also just took a job as a photographer that will start getting much busier as wedding season approaches so I am finally feeling like isolation is one of my lesser concerns.

Hang in there. It’s hard when you have little ones especially because so much of your schedule revolves around eating and napping and eating and napping and… oh… did I already say eating?

chris

I’m not a home schooling mom..but I totally understand about what you mean about not interacting with people as much as I should..I go to work, and I go home..rarely anything else..in fact..I recently went 3 weeks with out even going to “town” (I work in a tiny 25 person village without even a grocery store)..which is 11 miles away..I decided yesterday I am going to reach out to people by sending little hand made RAK (random acts of kindness) to internet friends in hopes of brightening their days just a tiny bit..and hope that it helps me to connect to people on a more personal level

Staci

I am not sure how quiet it is but while I am sitting at my girls’ gymnastics classes I use those 2 hours to read. I used to drag my laptop and work with me but I learned that nothing is better for me than to have that time to do something just for me. That little bit of time each week to “disconnect” from all my other duties is so refreshing!

Peggy Way

While I do not home school I am a stay at home mom. (Due to the economy I was laid off 11 months ago.) I am 49. Six years ago, after raising 3 children (the youngest was 20) we decided to adopt a precious gift who is now 6 years old. She keeps us so active but I find that with no longer working and most of our friends no longer having small children I am in a unique situation that causes me to have little interaction with other women other then at Church.
I began to look at the relationships of the people that I called friends and realized that we call each other friends but like you it is in passing or an occasional phone call. I believed this was in part due to our lives being so busy that we no longer intentionally make the time for friendships. Women need women. We need to be able to uplift & encourage one another.
I stated by inviting 5 friends over for tea. These are women that when I would run into we would say “We really need to get together soon” We now meet on the first Monday of each month. We call ourselves Tea Bags. It has progressed to where some of those original 5 are now also having tea parties to encourage other women. We have no adjenda other then tea from 6-9pm. When was the last time you were invited to a girlfriends home, with just other women where there was not a party & you felt the need to purchase something before you left?
This was exactly the re-connection that I needed and in doing this, found it is a basic need in most women.
The Tea Bags still look forward to meeting for tea each month & our friendships are stronger then ever.