Tag: Flashbacks

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

We went back to therapy today. That went well. We worked on some stuff, mainly working with some of the teens. Missy whose 14 and Clara whose 15 both had time with eileen. I went in feeling ok, then all of a sudden I got very unsettled. I felt parts want to run, run away out of eileens office. I also felt parts being irritated, as some of the littles were crying, some of the teens were calling them babies, whiners, etc. It was not good. Eileen asked the teens to talk to her, at first none of them would. She said she wanted to speak with one or some of them. Eventually Missy came forward. They worked for a while with the feelings of irritation that she and other teens had. She kept saying that why are the kids whining, when the things they are crying about, we cant fix. We cant do anything about them. For example, being afraid of the dark, it gets dark every night, and whether your afraid of it or not, it still gets dark. That was her point. Eileen said that probably the kids were experiencing a memory, and this turned out to be true. but it wasnt just the littles. Missy said that she too felt memories surfacing at night. She said that she remembered being in Dublin, in the bording school, being in bed, and waiting for the inevitable to happen, waiting to get hurt. To be taken out of bed, and taken to the rituals, to be abused. She started to cry then. Eileen was so gentle with her, she gently soothed her and spoke calmly and softly to her. Telling her she was ok, and together they’d work on this and on the feelings this memory evoked for missy. They then got out the pulsers and did some EMDR, working on the memory. Missy found that hard. But she didnt object, she did it and I am very proud of her for that. Clara came and stood by Missy, Clara is 15 and Missys friend, Clara has spoken in therapy before, but today she felt very scared and she felt afraid to talk. When Missy started to open up, Clara tried to shut her down. She didnt want to talk. She wanted to keep everything to herself. She was fearful of what would happen if she spoke up. Eileen talked to Missy and her for a while longer. Eventually her fear lessened and she was able to talk. They then encorporated the sleep issues we’ve been having into the session too. Eileen asked Missy what belief she had about herself in the memory. Missy said she felt she was unable to control the situation, she felt trapped, and very unsafe, she felt like she was dying, and never going to get out. And when Eileen asked her what belief she’d like to have about herself in the present, she said she’d like to be able to go to sleep at night, feel safe going to sleep, feel like its safe to go to bed and go to sleep. So together they worked on that. Working to lessen missys distress withthe memory, working to bring her and Clara back into the here and now, into the present again, Eileen had them think of things they like to do now, in our life now. MIssy said she likes to watch greys anatomy on netflicks, and listen to music on spotify, so Eileen had her visualise doing that, and that seemed to work somewhat. We also worked with our body, Eileen said that Missy is holding the fear of being in her bed, waiting, and fearful, and holding that amount of fear in your body can cause all sorts of problems, when she let that go today during the session, a huge weight felt like it was lifted, but then we felt extremely tired, and drained. Eileen said we’d probably feel like that for a day or two, as we’d held this for years, she said to rest up, and let ourselves do minimal activities. So that is what we did. We rested for the afternoon when we came home. Now its late, we are up, but we feel less tired, and have more energy. I’m glad Missy got to talk. She needed it. We’re still working on the anger about the kids whining and crying, the teens are still irritated about that, but we’re working with them on it. I’m sure they’ll be less irritated in time, they are scared too, but just show it in a different way.

when memories hit
and all you can do is watch it
your head spins
eyes blurr
you feel your mind whir
you feel edgy
like a volcano waiting to erupt
your head is fuzzy
as you count
1, 2, 3
wait and see
what will happen?
when will this all end?
if you only knew
close your eyes
let it happen
dont deny it
it will be over soon

Yeah, I haven’t had a great night. I woke at 4. I wanted to stay asleep so bad. But I couldn’t, so I got up. I went online. Read blogs. Read emails.

I even went to bed early last night, I shut down my computer at 11 PM. That’s early for me. And that was after sleeping for a few hours in the afternoon too. I managed to go to sleep pretty quickly last night. Not even my phone was going to keep me up.

Now if only I could stay asleep once I get there? Will be working on sleep stuff in therapy today. Eileen said she’d help me work on it. Am so looking forward to actually sitting down with her and trying to figure all this sleep stuff out. Hoping if I can my life will get easier and sleep problems will be less.

HERE I AM UP AT 1 AM NOT ABLE TO SLEEP. SO I THOUGHT I’D WRITE. I THOUGHT I’D PARTICIPATE IN BEE’S BLOG PORMPT WHICH SHE POSTED A FEW DAYS AGO NOW. SO BELOW FIND MY POEM, MY SCRIBBLES, WITH THE PROMPT WORDS, SNOW WHITE!

IN A SNOW WHITE DRESS
SHE STANDS
BAREFOOT AND FEAR GRIPPING HER
TWISTING AND TURNING INSIDE OF HER
THE FEAR MULTIPLIES AS THE MEN ENTER
THEY WALK TOWARDS HER
PULL OFF HER SNOW WHITE DRESS
START TO TOUCH HER
IN WAYS SHE HATES
HURTING HER…
ABUSING HER…
CAUSING MORE FEAR TO GRIP HER HEART
HER DRESS LIES ON THE FLOOR
TORN AND TATTERED
BROKEN AND BRUISED
SHE TRIES TO FREE HERSELF
BUT ALAS SHE CANT
SO INSTEAD…
SHE DISSOCIATES
FLIES AWAY UP UP AND AWAY
ABOVE HER BODY SHE HOVERS
AND WAITS
WAITS FOR THIS TO JUST BE OVER

to shed a tear seems a crime
it happened before, not at this time
horrid, horrible, tragic
the abuse
never such a thing as calling a truce
i would beg, i would plead,
i would suffer, i would bleed
and at it’s end i’d be left alone
to make another
like a clone
Someone to carry on for me
to take the place where I couldn’t be

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?