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‘Is this cellulite in an ancient picture of Mary Magdalene?’ asks Daily Mail

After analysing a previously undiscovered picture of Jesus on the beach with his disciples, experts hired by the Daily Mail have been able to draw some shocking conclusions about ‘the bearded, sandal-wearing leftie’ and those he associated with.

‘Close analysis of the picture shows that Mary Magdalene is displaying obvious signs of cellulite,’ wrote lifestyle analyst Liz Jones. ‘Worse still, her hair is all over the place. Ooh darling, that’s a fashion disaster. Call yourself an icon? You’ve let yourself go – you’re a disgrace to women everywhere.’

It is not the first time the Daily Mail has singled out Mary Magdalene for attention. Photos of her and Jesus together led to some will-they-won’t-they speculation about the couple, while columnist Melanie Phillips branded her the ‘Son of God’s WAG’, a claim tastefully substantiated by the full-colour bikini shots spanning pages 12-17.

But Jesus’s family has also come in for criticism from the tabloid newspaper, with Samantha Brick adding that his mother Mary was the sort of woman who made her blood boil. ‘Messiah mothers? They’re the worst. They all hate me for my vibrancy, just because I didn’t sacrifice my energy to care for a precocious child.’ Jan Moir went on to describe Jesus’s mother as ‘just another Galilee floozy who doesn’t know where the father of her child has got to’.

In an editorial the Daily Mail concluded that Jesus couldn’t hide his privileged upbringing as the Son of God, but needed to do more to justify the hype. ‘If he really is our Saviour, then it’s about time he tackled the things that mattered to real people: the tragic fall in property prices, asylum seekers coming here and abusing our hospitality, and whether a glass of wine a day causes or prevents cancer.’