Freelance Writer

Weird Finds: Angelic Messages as Given to Tina Michelle

I’ve had this book for over a year, but I’ve hesitated to post about it. I was bullied as a kid, so I have a hard time picking on specific people–especially people this crazy. The turning point for me was realizing that “Tina Michelle” is almost certainly not the author’s real name. Also, if she gets really upset about this post and tries to end it all, we can take solace in the fact that an African American angel will save her. Read on to learn more!

I bought this book for three dollars at one of those shops that has to be a drug front. It has no customers, yet it’s been thriving for the better part of a decade. Kind of like the store in my old hometown that was selling Buzz Lightyear novelty telephones in 2008.

Anyway, this is a book about angels. More specifically, about angels as they’ve appeared to an Appalachian woman with the improbable moniker Tina Michelle. I’m not referencing the Appalachian thing to drum up any latent prejudices against “hillbillies,” by the way. Tina Michelle herself mentions it on the back cover. Apparently “her Appalachian humor embraces her audiences, as her teaching technique unfolds their inner knowledge.” That’s right, this woman is a motivational speaker.

Something else she mentions on the back cover (and countless times throughout the book): Tina Michelle has almost died four times.

Tina Michelle has been snatched from the jaws of death by her guardian angel on four separate occasions. That sounds nice until you really think about it–her guardian angel has almost let her die four times. Wouldn’t that be a sign that her guardian angel kind of, well, sucks at his job?

The Many Near-Deaths of Tina Michelle

Tina Michelle’s first brush with death was a near-drowning at the age of five. Upon being revived, she discovered that she could see angels floating all over the damn place. Also, she started getting crippling migraines, which totally has nothing to do with her ability to see auras, despite “seeing auras” totally being one of the most well-documented symptoms of a migraine.

Her second near-death experience occurred during a bout of rheumatic fever. I’ll let Tina Michelle explain this one in her own words.

He looked like the picture of Jesus her mother kept above her bed! What an interesting coincidence!

I realize I’m batting at the low-hanging fruit with my cynicism here, so I’ll pipe down and allow the rest of the story to unfold as it may, without critical analysis. You don’t need me to point out how dumb this is anyway.

“Cancel the marriage! This dizzy dame keeps drowning herself!”

That was her third near-death experience and irrefutable evidence that this woman really needs to stop going in pools.

The fourth-time she almost died was an attempted suicide. Well, I say “attempted.” It’s more like she thought about jumping off a pier but some guy interrupted her and then she was just too tired to do it. That guy, as it turned out, was her guardian angel. This was Tina Michelle’s reaction to the divine revelation that informed her of this fact:

Oh, boy.

Now, to her credit, Tina Michelle was almost immediately ashamed of her prejudiced assumption that guardian angels weren’t black. And a weirdly specific kind of assumption deserves a weirdly specific kind of shame.

Jeez, it’s one thing if you’re racist in front of family and friends, but being racist in front of The GODSOURCE? You done fricked up, Tina Michelle.

The GODSOURCE

“What is The GODSOURCE?” you may be asking. Well, as someone who’s read this book cover-to-cover, I can safely say that I have no god damn idea. Tina Michelle made a chart about it, though. Maybe it’ll help you more than it helped me.

Sort of a crappy scan, I know, so let’s go through it piece by piece.

Step One. This is the collective energy of the universe. For some reason, it is represented by a dollar sign jumping over a wall.

Step Two. The collective energy grows wings and flies around for a while.

Step Three. The collective energy goes to a shop and exchanges itself for quarters so it can do a load of laundry.

Step Four. This happens.

You get all that? Good. Now explain it to me.

The Physical Life Park

The Physical Life Park: labored metaphor, or lamest alternative to Six Flags ever? You decide.

There’s so much going on here. You think the roller coasters are supposed to represent life’s ordinary ups and downs, but then you get the gleeful cry of “Addiction!” at the top of the second one. And you have to be experienced to ride…to addiction? And also cautious? And something about “Deception”? What the hell is this visual about?

How Tina Michelle Channels the Angels

Confusing images aside, this book is really about one thing: channeling angels. In her Author’s Note, Tina Michelle explains how she goes about doing this.

“The power of thought, sound, and impression.” I hate to be a downer, but if you consider thinking and hearing to be special powers, your bar for “special” is set dangerously low.

This is the only part of the book that makes me wish I had died four times. Apparently when Tina Michelle channels, she feels both “the Ecstasy” and “the Orgasm.” And sure, capricious capitalization of random nouns is the hallmark of a crazy-person manifesto…but don’t you want it to be true now? We could all use a little more of “the Ecstasy” in our lives.

Well, all right! So if you tried and failed to channel angels prior to 1984, at least now you know why.

Bottom Line

I’m an agnostic, which means I tend to throw up my hands and go “who the hell knows?” when it comes to religious matters. I don’t think there’s a god, but who the hell knows? I don’t think angels exist, but who the hell knows? You can’t prove a negative, so I don’t bother trying. And I would certainly never hate on someone for believing in a higher power.

That said, while I will make allowances for the power of personal conviction to mold personal experience, I don’t buy what Tina Michelle is selling, and I can’t support her selling it. People are paying (or have paid in the past) actual money for her workshops and books. If you’re really interested in helping people, and you really think part of God’s plan is for you to touch and heal the masses, then do that noise for free. Money and religion make very uncomfortable bedfellows.