Man regrets proposing to wife – and now they're in an 11-year marriage

Question: Hello Dr. Scott. I am having some doubts in my marriage. I have second-guessed my decision to marry my wife from the day I proposed to her. I felt strongly for her, and I was attracted to her, but there were some problems that were really red flags. She could never admit to being wrong and she would never say sorry. My wife and I never really solved an argument: we only ever stayed mad until we forgot about the problem. Then, peace lasted until the next argument. I was just so young and naïve, and I didn’t want to be alone. I loved my wife then, but I should have broken up with her before getting married. I just thought loving someone was enough. She made an ultimatum and I needed to either propose or move on. I chose to propose. I was weak and foolish, and I know it. I made a mistake. That was 11 years ago and I am responsible for the situation we are both in now where I think I regret my decision. We have been married over a decade and there hasn’t been any time in our marriage when I’ve felt confident that I made the right choice. It’s cruel that I would have proposed to my wife without being sure I wanted to be with her forever. I don’t like how she is as a wife, but I’m the one who initiated this marriage. I don’t know what to do now. I think I’ll never be happy with her, but now we’re both invested into this thing for over a decade. Do I stay in the marriage? How can I decide what to do?

Answer: I have to start by saying I can’t ever imagine myself telling someone whether to stay or not in their marriage. Of course, you have to decide that. But, I can share some ideas that might help you figure things out. It’s a tough situation and there might not be an easy answer.

Half of marriages fail. There are a lot of reasons for that, but I suspect one of the most common reasons – and perhaps something that you don’t hear often – is that people pick the wrong partner in the first place. Yes, healthy communication, kindness, common interests and goals, etc… all matter. They matter a lot. Most of the typical marriage advice you hear is valid. But it’s really the fit of a couple – the way they work together – that matters most. Choosing the right partner to begin with goes a long way to making all the other aspects of marriage infinitely easier to do.

If you “made a mistake” as you put it, then you’re not alone, sir. People often get it wrong when choosing a partner. Sometimes, they make it work anyway. And sometimes, people who made the right choice in the first place mess it up anyway. Marriage is a demanding endeavor that takes selflessness and work to make it successful.

And, it should be rewarding too. Marriage shouldn’t just be work; it shouldn’t just be a demanding endeavor. It should also bring you joy and happiness. Go to therapy together. Learn if you can be happy together. Give it your true and best effort. Make your decision from there.