My Dog’s Stream-of-Consciousness on a Stormy December Night

Woorf? What’s that? *gets up, pads around the room* *sniffs at the door* *sniffs at the window* Noise outside. Probably an intruder. Better see if the humans wake up. *waits for the humans to wake up* Humans not waking up. *stares at humans some more* *nudges human’s foot* *waits some more*

Hmm. Guess it’s nothing.

*goes back to sleep*

(rain intensifies to a moderate sprinkle)

*wakes up*

Humans, do you hear that? *gets up, scampers around the room* *sniffs at the door* Nobody out here. Better bump it to make sure. *bumps the door* Hello? Cats out there? Hello? *bumps door again* What is that noise? *peers out the window* Woorf, it’s dark. Can’t see anything. Better see if the humans wake up. *waits for humans to wake up* Humans not waking up. *stares at humans* Maybe if I bump the bed, they’ll wake up. *bumps bed*

(my wife throws a pillow at the dog)

WOOF HEY YOU’RE AWAKE THERE’S THIS NOISE OUTSIDE AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS BUT I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IT AND…

(we are asleep again)

Humans?

Me: (mumbling) Shut up, dog.

That… that noise, though? It’s okay? Okay.

*goes back to sleep*

(rain intensifies to a bona-fide light rain)

*wakes up*

HUMANS? That noise is louder now. *sniffs the door* *looks out the window* I can’t tell what it is, but it’s definitely louder. Don’t you hear that? WAKE UP. *stares at sleeping humans* Maybe if I run five laps around the room, they’ll wake up. *scrabbles around the room seven or eight times [dogs can’t count]* Humans? *stares at humans who are determinedly pretending to sleep* Okay fine, I’m hiding from the noise in your closet.

*burrows into the clothes hamper*

GUYS? I CAN STILL HEAR THE NOISE IN HERE.

*burrows deeper, scattering clothes everywhere*

IT’S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT OKAY?

*flings a few more shirts around for good measure*

I’ll just wait here until the noise goes away.

*goes to sleep*

(rain continues)

*wakes up*

HUMANS HOW CAN YOU SLEEP WITH THAT NOISE GOING ON, I SURE CAN’T *jumps out of the hamper, scatters the rest of the clothes* I’m going to hide behind the toilet for some reason *clack-clack-clacks into the bathroom* WHOA IT’S LOUDER IN HERE that’s kind of scary I’m going to chew some toilet paper, I hope that helps *devours half of a roll and makes a nest out of the rest* whoa that looks comfy, maybe if I cloak myself in it I can protect myself from the noise *wallows in the scraps, gets most of them stuck to her body* This is fun as hell but it isn’t actually helping. HUMANS I NEED YOU *stares, covered in toilet paper, at humans, who are resolutely, definitely sleeping or at least trying to* HUMANS *takes a lap around the room* HUMANS *takes a lap in the other direction* HUMANS I THINK IT’S OUT THERE IT’S GONNA GET ME *bashes the door a few times* *stares at humans*

Okay, whatever, hope we all die.

*goes to sleep*

(rain is now a meager shower)

*wakes up*

HUMANS WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU DON’T YOU HEAR THAT

*runs about twenty laps around the room* HEY *runs about thirty laps in the opposite direction* HUMANS HELP *flings more dirty laundry around* HUMANS I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME *clacks into the bathroom* Ooh cat litter I’m gonna chomp some of that, that sure seems like a good use of my time right now *chomps some cat litter, LOUDLY* Woo that was refreshing, now back to business HEY HUMANS WAKE UP *more laps* WAKE UP *more laps* HUMANS *laps* HUMANS *laps* HUUUUUUMMMMAAAAANNNNNSSS

(Finally I give up and wake up)

Oh thank DOG you’re awake, did you hear that noise? Do you hear it? It’s going on right now, right outside the door and the window and the everywhere, I dunno what it is but I’m —

(I lead the dog out of the room)

Hey, yeah, it’s out here, how did you know? COME ON I’LL SHOW YOU

(I follow the dog downstairs)

THIS WAY HUMAN LET’S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS

(I follow the dog to the porch door)

YEAH IT’S OUT THERE I CAN SEE IT, CAN YOU SEE IT? I CAN SEE IT IT’S RIGHT THERE

(I open the door)

*stands there, frozen to the spot*

…Oh, it’s just rain? That’s … that’s a surprise.

Me: (groggily) Well? We’re up. Go ahead. Go pee.

You … what? You want me to go out in that?

Me: (growing impatient) I didn’t follow you down here to not let you go out. Go out. GO.

*whimpers and heavy-foots it out onto the porch, then turns right back around*

Our dog loves people and gets excited about them – and other dogs etc. of course. He doesn’t like crows and often will get annoyed if he thinks we’re not giving enough attention, but otherwise he’s pretty mellow.