Gorbachev's Weird, Glitzy, Celeb-Filled 80th Birthday Bash

Scenes from the final Soviet leader's party, a bizarre celebration of capitalism and a Russia that no longer exists

LONDON, England -- For four hours on Wednesday night, Mikhail Gorbachev was referred
to, alternately, as: God, Moses, The Man Who Set Rock and Roll Free, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger's hero.

Standing under the gilded dome of
London's grand Royal Albert Hall, the last leader of the Soviet Union
gripped the podium with the steady hand of a man who had addressed
endless Party Congresses. "I had to live through very much," he told the
crowd of 4,000 who had gathered to celebrate his 80th birthday. "But I
have to say: I am a happy man."

Happy he is, at least when
abroad, basking in the admiration of an eclectic mix of stars, singers,
and ex-politicians. It's an adoration that would never be afforded him
at home, where he is still largely remembered as the man who plunged
Russia into chaos, stripped her of a hard-won empire, and promptly took
off to make commercials for Pizza Hut and Louis Vuitton.

But the
West has a lot to thank him for -- handing it victory in the Cold War,
avoiding nuclear holocaust, relinquishing power in very un-Gaddafi-esque
fashion -- and the least it can do is allow the man a massive
celebration for his octogintennial. It probably did not expect a party
like this.

Parsing the Brits (smart velvety dresses) from the
Russians (overly plumed à la Black Swan) was easy as guests exited
fleets of black Chryslers emblazoned with "Gorbachev Eighty" and
sauntered down the red carpet. Once inside, they gazed upon a stage
adorned with two fake marble arches, masked by shimmering purple
curtains. that gave the affair the feeling of a game show gone posh.

"Where would Russia be if it weren't reaping the benefits of a free democracy?" asked Sharon Stone.

The
lights dimmed and somber images flashed on the screen above one of the
world's most famous stages: Mother Teresa, Albert Einstein, Lady Diana,
The Beatles, and finally, Gorbachev -- figures that have entered the
pantheon of history through some sort of collective acceptance of their
importance. It was impossible not to notice that only one of them --
the birthday boy -- is still alive. Modesty has never been an especially
prized character trait in Russia.

The images continued.
Gorbachev with Ronald Reagan, Gorbachev with Margaret Thatcher,
Gorbachev with Hugh Grant, Gorbachev with the Dalai Lama. Which of these
things is not like the other?

Gorbachev, heavy on his feet but
looking the picture of rotund health, was introduced by the event's
emcees, Kevin Spacey and Sharon Stone. Spacey spent the evening doing
awkward Bill Clinton impressions. Stone, all elegance and smiles,
proved, once again, why she is Russia's favorite starlet-for-hire.

The
actress was last seen in Russia in December, lending her image to what
later turned out to be a sham charity that had duped a dozen Hollywood
stars into attending what they thought was a children's cancer society
benefit party. Not even Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was immune,
gracing the audience with his now-famous rendition of "Blueberry Hill."
The Federation charity fund, set up by a friend of Putin's, has since
admitted it raised no money for child cancer victims and never intended
to. This may explain why Gorbachev's party, according to some of his
Russian supporters, was held in London rather than Moscow, where few
trust charity funds would have reached their target.

Gorbachev's
event is expected to have raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for
the former Soviet premier's cancer charities. Tickets went from $300 to
$160,000 and the event was sponsored by brands that would have Lenin
spinning in his grave: Vertu, Beluga Vodka, Faberge, Christie's.

There
was no mention of charity, however, on Wednesday night, and few
mentions of the momentous changes the world is currently going through,
which some have compared to the seismic shifts that accompanied the
collapse of the Soviet Union 20 years ago. "The world is going through
some momentous changes right now," Spacey said, "but it's also a very
special birthday."

Presenters and performers appeared frozen in
time. "Where would Russia be if it weren't reaping the benefits of a
free democracy?" asked Sharon Stone. An appropriate question, perhaps,
for the early 1990s; less so today, when Russia has, in Gorbachev's own
words, become an "imitation" of democracy.

As if to prove that 20
difficult years hadn't passed since the euphoria of post-Soviet
possibilities was born, the first performers to take the stage were none
other than the Scorpions. "I follow the Moskva / Down to Gorky Park /
Listening to the wind of chaaaaange," they sang, the anthem of an era.
The 20-something woman seated in the box next to me began to cry.
"Gorbachev is truly the man who set rock and roll free in Russia," Stone
said.

If it's rock and roll he set free in Russia, it's pop rock
dinosaurs he invited to celebrate his birthday. Shirley Bassey gave the
obligatory nod to James Bond ("Diamonds are Forever"); Paul Anka sang a
rousing rendition of "My Way," the song he wrote for Frank Sinatra but
dedicated to Gorbachev that night; Bryan Ferry, a propos of nothing at
all, sang his 80s hit "Slave to Love." Gorbachev took to the stage for
the final performance of the evening, the debut of a duet by Anka and
Soviet-era rocker Andrei Makarevich, with the appropriate chorus: "One
day we'll recall, he was changing the world for us all." They should
translate it into Russian.

It was a night of over-the-top
tributes -- video messages from Clinton, Sting, and Bono competed with
sugary blessings from Schwarzenneger and former Polish president and
fellow Nobel Peace Prize winner Lech Walesa. CNN founder Ted Turner,
accepting one of three awards handed out for Gorbachev's new The Man Who
Changed the World program, teared up as he thanked Gorbachev for ending
the Cold War peacefully. "We could have very easily had a series of
wars that would've made what's happening in the Middle East look like
child's play," he said. "President Gorbachev, you're the man of the
century."

The first -- but not the last -- man to call Gorbachev
divine was Israeli President Shimon Peres. "According to the Bible,
Michael was an angel," he told the crowd, referring to the Western
version of Gorbachev's first name. The former Soviet premier's story, he
said, was "biblical." As if to drive the point home, Russia's Turetsky
Choir later performed "Go Down Moses (Let My People Go)." To keep it
Russian, they added disco flair and dance moves to the slavery-era
spiritual. Mel C, better known as Sporty Spice, tried to do her bit by
singing Nina Simone's "Ain't Got No," an ode to individuality and
freedom. Her cause was somewhat diminished by a pre-performance tweet referring to a lyric in the song, "I will indeed be singing 'boobies!' In front of rather a lot of dignitaries!"

Time
was when a Russian dignitary would have been saluted in London by the
country's finest. Perhaps a dance by Nureyev, a cello concerto performed
by Rostropovich, a poetry reading by Akhmatova. One of the night's most
poignant moments came when Andrei Gavrilov sat down at his grand piano
for a performance of Rachmaninov's second piano concerto. Images by
great Russian painters -- Chagall, Malevich, Kandinsky -- floated across
the screen above the stage as the notes rang out into the silent hall.
This was Russia's past: troubled but full of passion, tragic but
documented by some of the greatest cultural heritage the world has ever
known. That past is gone -- destroyed, in part, by the political turmoil
and economic disaster ushered in under Gorbachev. He may have overseen
the fall of the Soviet Union, but it is not something he wanted.

"Let
us meet again," Gorbachev said on Wednesday. "Not in this grand hall,
but in a simple square in some village. My biggest happiness is speaking
with people." At the end of the night, he got into a limousine with a
hot pink interior and drove away.