This lousy, terrible, bottom of the barrel feeling that I cannot move. Paranoid, anxious attacks that takes days to come out of. Murky, heavy, oily chest weight that is impossible to get off!

What is it! I HAVE recovered, I have stayed the battle into thee long night and I have WON! Why is this shackling ME! NO! I will not become a single celled, spineless shadow. I WILL become that bright spot I have in my heart and in my will.

Why is it some abuse sufferers walk away?!?!?! They laugh it off, have a couple of bad episodes, and never look back?!??!!I do not know, but I envy them. I have watched this happen in my world, to others, twice. They wake up, really one day, they just, get over it. It is not their issue, their problem and they do not look at it again. When they are spoken to about the abuse, they smile, yeah, smile, and say it is not a problem, and they MEAN it.

They go on for months, years, decades, and they are fine. No acting out, no trouble, girl friends and wives, jobs and success and there is no repercussions. No shrinks, no therapy, no dark nights looking into the dark.., just life. They flip a switch, it is a phenomenon I have seen twice, and do not grasp.

What is this switch?

Really, where is it, I want to.., AAAAAaaaaaarrrrrggggghh!

Please, please, help me. I do not want to feel like this anymore. I do not want to hurt, to be confused, misunderstood, and alone. Why is the victim in so much pain and alone, and the perp leading a beautiful, fairy tale life?

I want to be protected, to be sure of myself, to be, me, before it was taken away.

I never understood that in others. Some people appear to be able to say $#!+ happens, and just move on with things. I was never one of those people. I'm gathering most of of us on this site are here because we don't have such a switch. Then again, I wonder inside if folks like that aren't in major denial. I don't see how they route it in their thinking to where it's just done and that's it. Most everyone here talks about what's going on with them. We have things to process simply because they need to be processed, and in my mind that is the norm.

I hear you Sam and you are not alone. I have been trying to get over this, but today, just feel like shit and a loser. I am just trying to feel compassionate for those feelings rather than run away. So tired of the walls, the fakeness.

Hang in....nothing stays the same.

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

I know it it can be sooooooooo hard. But you have POWER within you! More than you realize. Just change your focus just a little and you will see it. Feel the power and strength from the men at this sight and the people closest to you. We are never given more than we can handle. The power and the "switch" is in you...You will succeed!

Much love and strength, Your friend Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

Given what we now know about brain development I would think that those who have a "switch" as described may have had atypical experiences in varying context from the norm. There are so many variables I don't think we can generalize from a few anecdotal cases that may in fact be atypical anyway. For example what happens to a victim's brain development at an early age is not exactly what happens at fifteen; There are many other factors besides age and brain development like: what kinds of other abuse (if any) was occurring, were there multiple victims, were the victims siblings, were the abusers parents and/or others... The list goes on and on...

I've also found that some associations I've had the persons were wealthy enough to hide the therapy, drugs, ... Then there are those that don't give a crap about anything and are probably not the most empathetic people in the world. As a matter of fact a major meta study published in one of the major medical journals (I do have a reference for it) says that each succeeding generation has become less empathetic than the last to where the present twenty-somethings are about 40% less empathetic than the generation of the '70's.

This is not a shot at the younger generations. Quite the contrary. It was the explosion of electronic communications developed by the boomers along with increasingly predatory economics that led to more social alienation and less empathy. Empathy means being able to put yourself in another's shoes. If the development of the "mirror" neurons necessary to feel empathy have been physically interdicted or arrested then that person literally has lost some physical capacity to empathize.

It may very well be that the persons who seem to "just get over it" may have a diminished capacity to empathize; What you might interpret to mean they're "over it" when in fact they can feel what happened to themselves but have a hard time sharing any emotions about it.

Sasuva,I don't think that switch exists. I think it is more a part of your perception than real. Some people just hide their pain well. When I get down I do a couple things I try to keep things simple I don't do or stop myself if I try to do big picture thinking. I try to stay focussed on what the next right thing I am supposed to be doing. the other thing is I try to figure out what triggered me. I go back to when the negative feelings began and look just past it to what lead up to it. Then I work out what triggered me and often this makes me feel better on its own.And sometimes when doing all this I still feel awful that is when I know I have to just sit with that pain until I understand it or it goes away. It always goes away if I end up understanding it or not.

I've been able to do that smile thing and I still have pain and really bad days. The people you speak of probably do as well. You can't be with them all the time. Most people will save the angst ridden moments for private time even when feeling bad while they are in others company and smiling as if they aren't. Its just part of being human. Learning to accept things good and bad as being a normal part of life even the undeserved bad things, help a lot in making that smile come easy. One can smile like you describe and feel bad at the same time and no one would know it. Most people will just assume you are very happy. I can feel the happiness of that kind of smile while still feeling the pain of whatever existential crisis is plagueing my mind at the time. I still fall into the pit you have described now and then I think I was there two weeks ago. But for most of the time these days I can stay far away from it by accepting I am who I am and this is what I have to deal with. The two are very different things.

Edited by kidneythis (09/05/1002:52 PM)

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As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

I don't know why some survivors are able to seemingly distance themselves so easily from the abuse, while for others it is a lifelong struggle. We each are unique and process things in our own ways, I guess you could say we are all wired a little different. But the important thing is that you're working on your recovery and making progress to a better life, which we all so deserve.

I have been emotionally unable to respond until now, and in looking over your replies, it is like water in the desert, refreshing energy revitalizing every part of my parched mind.

Andy, yes, denial. I can say that while they seemt to be "normal", when triggered, that abuse baggage comes out and it is over reactive, hurt and dangerous. Yes, I am "normal", and so are we.

happybuddha1, yes, so tired at times, hitting the walls, showing strenth and urgency, only to wear my fingers down. I know I need to take a break, but what I really need is to measure my recovery and dampen the lows and 'swing for the fence' on the highs. Until then, it is taking breaks, self love, and constant monitoring our self talk. I am currently walking tall, and i have a hand for you, my brother. I may need the favor returned shortly. Recover well.

tedure, I found the power of association, and I am riding that wave, yee haa. Thank you for the 'lift'!

SirVivor, that is incredible data! Thank you for sharing that with me, er, and us. To think that 40 years ago, and since, we have lost the ability to pass down empathy to our children and that we allow them to dissociate into electronics is humiliating. It is also a flaw that will come back on us as crimes of passion and opportunity rise. Those that I have looked up to with envy, I will need to re-evaluate and determine if that is a recovery goal I need to pursue. My sincerest appreciation for your sharing.

(((kt))) Yes, they are completely seperate, minimizing and managing recovery and triggers, and acting out versus simply "getting over it". In fact, I am coming to the realization in these replies, that those who seem to be able to brush themselves off and walk away, are hurt more deeply than I am.

That you "smile and wave" and can manipulate the triggers has to be a sign of aggressive recovery and self control. I am not there yet, but I so appreciate knowing it is possible. That you can count the days you are well and stable, i am just starting to crest that, and it looks great from where I am standing.

EGl, indeed the wiring, our programming, and what we choose to reinforce is a big part of this path we are working out. Most important, is that we continue to make progress, balanced, steady progress. No sense getting penalized for not completing a part of the marathon.

To everyone hear, that I am able to absorb and respond to your thoughts and support, tells me I am not alone, you are like minded and companionable. My heart goes out in empathy, my joy in your association, my strength with your in this temporary condition.

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