It seems interesting to me that the most peaceful moment of my day, so far, was when I came home - my class having been cancelled for the day - and noticed all the pine needles all over my porch. I took a broom and, for about a half hour, just swept the porch.

Here's the context behind this, which will make the irony more apparent: I hate chores. I really don't like doing chores because I often feel that they keep me from doing things that I need to or that I want to - i.e. music.

Secondly, I had just come out of a chapel service where I was essentially force-fed "Sponsor a child" guilt-trips. I don't care what the issue is or how valid it is, I do not respond to guilt-trips very well at all. I grew up on guilt-trips and I give myself them enough as it is. I feel horribly manipulated when I'm guilt-tripped. The main reason is that I feel every single emotional string they're pulling very strongly.

I may not show it on the outside or even in my language sometimes, but I am horribly emotional. I'm sensitive to everything, it seems. I think the main reason why I act and behave as stoically as I do is simply because it is a reaction to the raging tumolt that is my emotions. So, to play around with my emotions is a great insult to me. I have a hard enough time keeping them in check as it is without some moron going around and tipping things off-balance. When this kind of thing happens, I close down and shut it out. I've gotten very good at this over the years.

Now, I am very stubborn about this one thing; I refuse to do charity out of obligation. I will only do so when I am able to choose to do so on my own accord. Meaning, I want it to come naturally.

"Coming naturally" is what I felt when I went to sweep the porch. I saw a need and I did something about it. There was no stress about cleaning up for some important person that was going to drop by or the anal-retentive obsession with having something spotless. I simply wanted a clean porch, so I swept it. Simplicity. I saw a need and I acted.

Granted, the need I acted on isn't going to feed the hungry or end world poverty, but it's that kind of impulse that I'm looking for when it comes to helping other people. I see a need and I do something about it. No guilt-trips or righteous bullshit. Just need and action. It often seems that those that go around telling me that I need to do this or do that or donate here or there are actually inhibiting me from feeling a natural call to help. I feel my heart hardened because I'm continually guilt-tripped. Then I give myself a guilt-trip for feeling hard-hearted about it. Which only further... you get the picture.

Yes, I need to be helping the poor and hungry. Yes, I know that all Christians or followers of Christ or however you want to say it are called to care for those who are not cared for. But what's the point in doing these things out of obligation? Where is the love in being guilted to do something? Why should any of them think I actually give a damn about them and not the need to satisfy my own guilt?

I refuse to patronize them. They are real people. Real people do not need, and most often do not want, to be pitied. I certainly hate feeling pitied. Maybe I deserve pity. Maybe they deserve pity. But it doesn't matter. They're really human beings who need sincere love. Just like I need sincere love, so do they. I'm not going to do something out of guilt. I'm going to do it out of love or I won't do it.

That is EXACTLY how I feel about those types of things, but I've never figured out how to express it. My friend Jonathan asked yesterday if I wanted to go to a meeting about Darfur, but I didn't want to be in the pressuring situation so I said no. You have a way with words my friend.