CRPS involves a traumatic loss and tears apart our assumptions about how life is supposed to operate. We feel grief as we struggle to accept that our lives have changed and will never be the same again. I have heard the expression “ I don’t want to die in pain” but I ask “what about living in pain?”.

For me there is life before CRPS and life now, there will not be a life after CRPS. My losses are in my face everyday, you do not stop noticing or thinking about the things you can no longer do or the things you dreamed of doing or about what life was like without this pain. Most days I focus on what I can do not what I can't, many people say they think I am 'amazing' and doing well. This is well meaning but it misses the whole point that I don't have a choice, my pain is mine alone and I either learn to live with it or I don't. Many people in chronic pain may have thought about suicide as a solution but it is not the only solution so you become an 'amazing' person.

Grief is like a river, when you suffer a loss and experience grief, you enter that river for good. It's not a steady stream, you can get off the river and sit on the river bank and have some moments of peace but there is no going ashore to return to a life without the loss. By accepting this you can, within reason, find a degree of inner peace despite the pain.

Chronic Pain sorts out our values and what was superficially important before becomes less relevant. It is ironic that this changed attitude for me is a positive result of CRPS.

Identity﻿When your world has fallen apart what are you left with? As we grieve we also try to work out what the future holds for us.﻿

When we develop CRPS we often have to contend with significant physical limitations and/or disability and we may find that many of the activities that once filled our days and gave meaning to our lives before CRPS are no longer possible or are considerably reduced. Psychologists talk about the need to accept the new you and let go of the old you; this theory holds little appeal when all you may see is loss upon loss and huge gaps. How do you add meaning to your life and fill these gaps? How do you do this if your previous life depended on your physical fitness and performance? We live in hope of improvement but meanwhile how do we live in our changed world?

My Identity has shifted 3 times since 2007, commencing when I could no longer work, I went from Office Administration Assistant to Disabled (I no longer view 'Disabled' as a valid identity - I am a person who happens to have a disability) This first transition was the hardest because I was in a state of shock and confusion, suddenly I was conspicuous, I could no longer walk and used crutches, and I would see a reflection of myself on my crutches in a window and not like what I saw. Other people did not understand why I was not getting better and neither did I; I had lost the ability to walk with my head held high, my back straight, I could no longer wear my nice boots and my bad foot could only handle a sock with the toe end cut off and a sandal all year round, I was depressed and frightened of what the future held.

When I was finally diagnosed with CRPS and developed an understanding of the disease I realised that I was highly unlikely to ever be pain free again. After a long period of what the Pain Book describes as ‘spiritual distress’ I reached another turning point in my life and decided something had to change, I was tired of crying all the time, tired of literally banging my head on the floor in pain and feeling grief stricken. I was fortunate that my new focus in life was on the back burner, staring me in the face; I decided that my best chance at moving forward in my life was to somehow find a way of developing my potential as an artist and printmaker despite my physical limitations. I had studied art when I left school and printmaking as a mature aged student. I have long believed that creativity can be a form of meditation because the mind clears of its usual thoughts and worries and enters another realm; there were many sound reasons to pursue developing my potential more fully.

I discovered that when I was working in my studio I stopped thinking about my pain and CRPS all the time and went into another world. My artwork became and continues to be a compelling reason for hobbling out of bed each morning on my crutches, it keeps me enthusiastic and wanting to live despite CRPS. I believe CRPS does not define who we are, the real person is still inside although sometimes the outside world and our own feelings make us forget this.