WASHINGTON, D.C.– U.S. President Barack Obama shocked the nation—and the world—by announcing his resignation today, effective immediately. “I am through with this second term,” he declared.

In an emergency session of Congress, Vice President Joseph Biden was sworn in as the Forty-Fifth President of the United States.

President Obama explained what motivated his abrupt departure as he addressed a stunned, silent joint session of Congress. “I want to be perfectly clear, there are four main reasons why I’m doing this. First, as many of you know, I became an Indonesian citizen when I was five years old and my stepfather, Lolo Soetoro, adopted me. By doing so, I automatically lost my American citizenship. Over there in Indonesia, I was a devout little Muslim boy from ages five to ten, and my legal name was Barry Soetoro. In fact, my legal name is still Barry Soetoro, and I am still, well… I’m still technically a citizen of Indonesia. You see, I never got around to applying for naturalization back in the states once I turned eighteen. So you could say I’m an illegal alien—that notion would not be incorrect. And an illegal alien cannot be president. It doesn’t matter whether I was born in Honolulu or Oshkosh, I cannot in good faith serve as your president. It’s unconstitutional. It’s been gnawing at my conscience”

Item: The Los Angeles Dodgers clinched the NL West title the other day in Arizona – and to celebrate, they climbed the right-field fence and took a dip in the stadium’s open-access pool after everyone had left.

“Poolgate” reached the nation’s capital Friday when Arizona Sen. John McCain voiced strong displeasure with the Los Angeles Dodgers’ celebration of their National League West title.

After the Dodgers clinched the division with Thursday’s 7-6 win against the Arizona Diamondbacks, roughly half the team celebrated by jumping into the pool behind the right-center field wall at Chase Field.

The revelry upset many players, executives and fans of the Diamondbacks, including McCain, who took to Twitter with this rant:

Ever since Senator Ted Cruz (Conservative-TX) began his ascendancy, the Pansy-assed ProgNazi Pussies on the left have been making a big deal about how he’s supposedly not a U.S. citizen. They fear (as they rightly should) that Cruz will someday run for president, and they want to use the very same argument that they’ve been sneering at for lo these past five years concerning their own limp-wristed crapweasel, the ball-less, dickless effeminate in the White House.

(I had a “friend” of mine try a similar tactic once. I used a certain argument as my platform in a presidential run for a certain “hah skrewl” (little Rush lingo, there) organization. The jackass sneered at the argument, voted for my opponent – then used the exact same argument himself in a vice-presidential bid of his own. And rightly got his head handed him.)

Except B. HUSSEIN!!!!! Obambi never produced a bona fide copy of his birth certificate – and Cruz…well…

Though he’s clearly a U.S. citizen, he may face a decision about his Canadian citizenship if he runs for president.

Leave it to the sniveling leftists at the Dullest Moaning Snooze to try & deflect the fact that Cruz just kicked their asses.

Whether college athletes should or should not be paid is among the most heated discussion topics in sports. The flames have furthered been fanned of late as the idea is dragged through the legal system as a part of the Ed O’Bannon suit against the NCAA.

The pay-for-play suit was a popular topic at college football media days throughout the country, and Texas coach Mack Brown was perhaps the most notable person to come out in favor of playing players. Seen in the quote below, as reported by ESPN’s Darren Rovell.

darren rovell
@darrenrovell

Texas coach Mack Brown: “I do think players need to be paid. These players are killing themselves & at Texas last year we made $163M.”

Was that before or after meeting your “payroll”, Mackie boy?

Yes, sportz fanz – this is the same Mack Brown who has long been accused in many quarters (including, interestingly enough, here) of running Texas’ Third Pro Football Team. Same guy who has been widely believed to have been paying his players – after “enticing” them to come to TU in the first place – for years.

As old WWE/WCW alum Booker T would say, “He didn’t just say that. Tell me he didn’t just say that.”

One game this week: the Hall of Fame game, in which the Dallas Cowgirlz go up against the Miami Dolphins and He Who Was Johnny Manziel Before Johnny Manziel Was Johnny Manziel, aka Ryan Tannehill.

Nobody of note plays more than one series, and Miami’s backups will, as usual, turn out to be more talented & better-coached than Dallas’ backups. But what the hell – it’s F’ball, You Bet.

Assuming I don’t fall asleep during the game, recap thereof will be Monday. See you then.

Lawyers should never ask a Texan grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town Texas prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Howard. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Lindquist since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

So one of our fire stations starts having trouble with the dispatch system (receiving other stations’ calls, etc). In the process of troubleshooting, the station’s own dispatch computer crashes. Hard. The backup unit doesn’t work all that well, either (read: it doesn’t work at all).

So I get a known-good dispatch computer to the station, get it successfully re-configured, re-joined to the network, all that silliness – and no sooner do I get it online than the entire dispatch system citywide…goes toes-up.

It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated. (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)