Maid of Honor Quandry (Long, sorry!)

Has anyone switched Maid of Honor or had someone drop last minute? I’m not planning on booting anyone, just maybe switching..I am getting the distinct impression that my MoH doesn’t actually want to be MoH.

One of my bridesmaids has been amazing during the whole wedding process, while my actual Maid of Honor has been….lackluster. Don’t get me wrong, I love MoH to death as a person. She has just really been throwing off the “your wedding is an inconvenience in my life” vibe big time….which is odd, as I haven’t asked anything of any of my girls.

For example, we are doing a spa day. MoH and I looked at reviews, I collected all the $$ and gave it to her, she scheduled the appointment. And she did my shower. Annnnnnd that’s all I’ve done with her or asked of anyone.

And from what I’m told, MoH did far less for my shower than BM did. BM bought a bunch of decorations and a bunch of food/alcohol and hosted it at her house. MoH mailed the invitations and helped set up and then ran home (seriously, she was cleaning and packing before people were even out the door) to “take care of her injured parents, her dad had surgery and her mom hurt her ankle out hiking” and was tagged out to dinner with her boyfriend instead. Dude, if you had a dinner reservation, you could have just told me.

MoH has been giving me issues about the rehearsal (she doesn’t want to take off work early – that’s fine, but she also wants us to wait for her to get there at 4:30 when sun sets at 4:45 at my outside venue which closes at dusk. I can’t wait for her, but she doesn’t want to come late and only be there a short amount of time. She also said she can’t guarantee she’d get there because of traffic..BUT she doesn’t want to not come either. ARGH!), she complained about having to travel to BM’s house for the rehearsal dinner (it’s being catered at BM’s house because my granddad has cancer and I wanted him to be somewhere comfy – not at a restaurant) which she is by no means actually obligated to attend (she’s on a special diet – not medical, it’s choice, but she wouldn’t eat anything anyway so she doesn’t have to come), she complained about having to drive to the town where I’m getting married too many times during the wedding week (we’re doing a spa day Saturday before, mani/pedi, the rehearsal and then the actual wedding…Other BMs and myself live just as far away as MoH does and they have not said anything, they are just excited and looking forward to pampering). I wanted to do the spa day/mani-pedi on the same day but MoH was worried about ruining her nails a week out so we split it up to two days. It was her idea…

MoH is too busy to come to my final fitting and learn to bustle my dress, BM is not and will gladly come on her lunch break because she is awesome. MoH is too busy to learn to bustle the dress on a weekend and wants me to drive down to her to teach her how to bustle the dress on a weeknight because her weekends are soooooooo crazy and she’ll have to get back to me on when she’s available. Okay, fine, I will do that because I want her to know it. But dang, it’s not like you haven’t known for the last year that you’re in the bridal party. And she hasn’t gotten back to me yet, I’m waiting.

And I’m also hearing from another of the girls that BM is handling most of my bachelorette details as well (and BM is the only one asking me questions about the affair and what I want, etc). BM also went with me to Michaels and other such places to play around with centerpiece ideas, and she has just been there for me in general during this whole process.

MoH doesn’t want to give a speech at the reception either because she’s afraid of public speaking (so I’m going to ask BM, I suppose, or just not do speeches).

I feel like I made the wrong choice, honestly. Which may or may not be mean of me, I’m not sure. I understand MoH has her own life, and I know that the only person who my wedding is important to is me.

I honestly get the impression that MoH does not want to actually BE MoH. She expressed concerns of not being able to handle it in the beginning and she has become more and more busy. She reiterated in a text this morning that things are so hectic and this is why she didn’t think she could do it. So I mean she was up front with me. Part of me is wondering if I should just ask her outright if she still wants to be MoH or if it would be easier for her to step down and hand it off to BM…or is it just too late now because the wedding is 5 weeks away? Can I make BM an Honorary Maid of Honor without offending the actual MoH? Part of me feels like she hasn’t really lived up to her title and has barely been there for me as either MoH or a friend while BM has been awesome.

Or should I just let it all go and get over myself? Lol. Ugh. I don’t know what to do!

@icanhearyousmile: let it go. She is still your friend and has done a lot. I went with a friend and learned how to do the bustle bc none of her bm could. Not a big deal at alL. There is no moh checklist or score sheet. You will create unnecessary drama if you change Things. Don’t add made up titles or anything. That will indirectly say “my actual MOH sucks so I am promoting this girl”.

What are you asking of her that makes her feel she can’t do her duties? Be flexible. Man.

@icanhearyousmile: One of my BMs was super with everything and did a lot more than my MOH but I would never take away my MOH title. My MOH is my bestfriend and the most important to me (I have known her the longest and she is the closest friend I have-practicually a sister). Didn’t you pick your MOH based on something more than her participation skills?

I wouldnt take it to personally. Some people just really get into these things and some just dont. I have had a similar situation and i was considering alternatives, but had to really realize that yes we have certain expectations when this role is given, but we cant hold those expectations that is only allowing you to be let down in the end. You love her and are friends for a reason, but she just isnt the “planning” friend 🙂 Good LUck

@mamadingdong: I’m not asking her anything, that’s the thing. I asked her to go with me to bustle my dress and she can’t so I asked BM. She definitely has done things, and I hope I’m not giving off the vibe that I’m unappreciative. On the contrary, I’m not, not at all and I’m glad she’s done what she has. But at the same time she is just very much giving off the vibe that this whole thing is a tremendous inconvenience for her and it makes me feel like maybe she doesn’t actually want the role.

@Payless: That is true. That said, she and I are not nearly as close as we were at the time I asked her, and I actually asked her after my original MoH backed out. I think current MoH felt like she had to accept the role because at the time me, her, and my original MoH were all really tight knit. I really don’t think she wanted it but felt like she should pick up the slack.

@Nikkimcq: She IS actually the planning friend, though, she’s SUPER OCD and she LOVES parties and Pinterest and baking and all of that stuff…..just not for me, I guess, lol. She has done tons of other stuff for other people throughout the whole time I’ve been planning that she has been super on top of and excited for. It just makes me feel like she doesn’t want to be involved, and that makes me sad.

@icanhearyousmile: Honestly, given this morning’s text, she might be asking your permission for a way out of your bridal party. She opened the door, so just straight up ask her if it’s bothering you this much.

@Mokara: I’m thinking about it, lol, but how do I just bring it up out of the sky after not hearing from her over the last 6 hours? And what should I say? I’m worried that she does still want to do it but is just too busy and that I’d hurt her feelings for asking. But at the same time I feel like if that WAS her looking for an out and I didn’t act on it, I’d still be f*cking up. 😛 Oy.

I do think that this whole process is a great test to friendship. But also to remind you and show you the different levels of friendships you have. I dont blame you at all for being hurt by this “lack of interest” But maybe this is something to show you what kind of friends you are. One thing i can recommend, is just dont take it personally. But if you are feeling really down about this, just talk her. If she is a good understanding person, she will be understand of your inquiry. If she freaks out, well bye bye.

@Nikkimcq: I have been trying not to take it personally and just let it brush off, but another BM made the comment when I was expressing my irritation, “So what IS this chick going to do??” and it made me kind of second guess things, I guess. Like wow, you have a point.

At the same time, I’m still trying to just brush it off, but it’s starting to get to me. The more and move I’ve tried to include her or work around her schedule (I’m getting her and her bf special paleo plates with my caterer so they’re not the only two people not eating our food, FFS!!) and accomodate her the less responsive she’s getting. Urgh.

Yeah you need to talk to her girl. Its hard not to take that personally, i could imagine. I truly believe (and i dont think it rocket science) if you except a these roles, there are duties. Being there for you, not planning your wedding but being a support and she in living up to that.You wouldnt just ask joe blo, you asked her for a reason. Fact is, if you dont want a chip on your shoulder, talk to her. If she takes offence to this, well something proven?

@Nikkimcq: What should I say? Just that I’ve been thinking more on her text from this morning and wondering if she would feel more comfortable being just a regular BM? I feel like no matter how I word it she’s going to get offended. = What is a good, diplomatic thing to say??