Peter Shankman is an adventurist, CEO and entrepreneur. He's best known for creating HARO - Help A Reporter Out, which connects reporters and journalists with sources for their stories.

Peter is also the founder and CEO of The Geek Factory, a New York City-based boutique marketing and PR strategy firm. He is also an author, keynote speaker, and marketing pundit for several major media outlets and trade publications

Normally a cheerful, positive, can-do person, Peter uses sarcasm to make his points in this post. Still, The Insider encourages readers to consider them very carefully, and heed the advice within them.

Running HARO (Help A Reporter Out) for the past three years, I’ve seen, hands down, the best ways to get your story placed, front page, EVERY TIME.

Assuming you want ALL THAT COVERAGE, as your boss has told you that you do, these are, without question, the top five ways to get it. Make sure you follow EVERY single rule here, and you’ll be well on your way to getting tons and tons of coverage!

1) Make sure to pitch completely and totally off-topic, with absolutely no regard to what the journalist covers. Hey, times are tight, right? They should be LOVING you for pitching them at all! They cover finance? Make sure to pitch them on a home entertainment system for 8-15 year olds. They’ll love you for it, and if they can’t use it, you know they’ll be happy to pitch it over to their friends who will write about it! Just make sure you put “and if you can’t use this, can you send it to the person at your outlet who can?” It’ll be the least they can do, they’ll be sure to help you out!

2) Don’t EVER believe the reporter when they tell you how they like to be contacted. They’re only doing that to TEST you! They say email? You say HOME PHONE! They say “No Attachments?” Please – You say “FIFTY MEGABYTE FILE TO THEIR BLACKBERRY!” Remember – They’re just testing you! They want to see how smart you are! Get around it!

3) FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP, FOLLOW UP! You should start phoning the reporter (at home, preferably) no later than FORTY FIVE MINUTES AFTER YOUR INITIAL PITCH. Continue in two-hour increments, handing over the night-time duties to a subordinate – Remember – The squeaky wheel gets the grease – In this case, squeak every two hours until the reporter covers you.

4) If for some reason, the reporter has written a story about your industry and not included you, well… Let the mayhem begin! This reporter – Who does he think he is! Start with the angry emails – You’ve every right to get angry! Call him names – Best of all, threaten to go to his superior and threaten to pull all your client’s advertising from the media outlet. They’ll see the error of their ways RIGHT quick, and you’ll be in like Flynn! Don’t forget to cc your legal team, and say “our legal team is cc’d. We hope it doesn’t come to having to use them.” That’ll scare them right quick!

5) Finally, reporters LOVE a challenge – Make it TOTALLY difficult for reporters to find you – Don’t include your phone number OR a mobile phone. When you schedule interviews, make SURE to reschedule them at LEAST three times – Hey – The reporter has to understand that your client is a LOT busier than they are – They’re just going to have to rearrange their schedule for you – And they will – Remember – They want your story, and in the end, they work for You!

Just follow these five rules, and you’ll be rolling in story placements faster than you can say “PROMOTION!”

What other great ideas can you recommend that guarantee placement? Leave them below in the comments.

PS: If you’re really so stupid as to not realize this is complete and utter sarcasm, and you should NOT do anything listed above, close down your computer – You’re too stupid to be using the Internet.

Originally published on August 30, 2010 on www.shankman.com, the official blog and website of Shankman.com, owned and operated by Peter Shankman.