Aries
As punishment for heresy, ancient astrologer Erroneus of Thessalonica’s ears were nailed to the Cathedral of Turin by Saint Polycarp. Years later in Smyrna, Polycarp was beaten with the jawbone of an ass, burned and stabbed when the fire failed to touch him. For what will you be martyred this week, Aries? Unleash your innate ovine fervor, and let that freak flag fly proudly.

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Taurus
Steven Hawking postulates that black holes serve as gateways into alternative universes. “The hole would need to be large, and if rotating, it might have a passage to another universe. But you couldn’t come back,” Hawking says. Jump up and down with glee, Taurus, your ship has finally come in; this is what you’ve been waiting for since eighth grade. Don’t forget your cannabis seeds.

Gemini
The fourth quarter moon in Pisces influences your financial prowess, business savvy, fame, fortune and sense of self-esteem, but that will regrettably come a few days after the next payment on your new Volvo S60 is due. How many late fees can you afford, entrepreneur? This is the kind of karma that the universe kicks in your face when you outsource.

Cancer
Cancer, Jupiter shines along your impeccably aligned ecliptic, tidying Venus, Mars and Saturn in a straight path and tugging at your perfectionism and OCD. Should the waitstaff and entire management of Scalo be forewarned of your next visit? If you’re the only one who knows how to faultlessly prepare and pronounce a dish, save some money and make it in your own kitchen.

Leo
Venus’ bright glow brings the birds and bees to mind this sultry month. “Zángano” is the Spanish noun for a male (drone) honeybee, while the adjective “zángano” describes a “lazybones, slacker and dumbass.” Take a biology lesson, Leo the lion. Is your woman doing all the work for your family while you’re sitting around watching WWE?

Virgo
You’ve fantasized about that armored van parked outside your credit union every Wednesday morning, Virgo; you’ve been studying how they’re a little sloppy about how they go about their job. Neptune has been slogging through Aquarius long enough and is now Pisces-bound, so this may be your best shot at going for the gold.

Libra
A fair-minded social justice sense is emblematic of your tribe, Libra. Your peaceful and agreeable manner brings many friends in and out of your welcoming realm, at all hours, day and night. Mars is rising in your house lately, so as a matter of personal safety and well-being, keep the triple beam out of what is legally termed “plain view.”

Scorpio
The scorpion’s central nervous system integrates complex input into single neurons from a variety of synapses, functioning much like a computer. Lower invertebrates lack such intricacy in their single-circuit wiring, like a light switch turned either on or off. Are you feeling more polysynaptic or monosynaptic this week? More scorpion or jellyfish? In either case, arm your venomous stinger(s).

Sagittarius
Mercury is a major influence on your world, especially considering the afternoon temperatures as the Sun traverses Cancer through your career zone. I recommend a comfy siesta during this period. It might not make all that much difference to your boss, who is not oblivious to how much time you spend on social media while at work.

Capricorn
Not unmindful of Venus’ dance around the Sun, Capricorn, you’re charming to a potential mate – until they discover that your obsession with Gustav Mahler and Sergei Prokofiev has created a hoarding problem in your tiny apartment. LPs? Why so many? Expand your musical horizons and tidy your place up a bit before your next date drops by.

Aquarius
As Saturn slides through Scorpio, eclipsing Antares, you are motivated only by what pleases you most: reading, writing, creating art and music and walking in the woods all day, as if you’re Henry David Thoreau. That’s your nature, dear Aquarius, and it’s also the reason why your credit cards are maxed out. Pick a single interest that might make you a złoty.

Pisces
Parallax is the difference in the apparent position of an object as viewed along two different lines of sight; it’s one way that astronomers accurately determine distances between faraway objects, such as planets in our solar system. You’ve had a faraway kind of feeling lately, haven’t you, Pisces? You need to get out of Dodge for a while, Sheriff.

Dr. Elgar B. Hicks received a PhD in Hagiography from the Sheboygan Divinity Institute. The author of 27 self-help books, Hicks frequently time-travels; he is currently incarcerated in the year 1864 at the Confederate prison in Andersonville, S.C.

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