Guide On How To Keep A Girl For Gamers

Sometimes gamer guys spend too much time studying game strategies and forget how to keep their girlfriends. I was browsing through bulletins on Myspace and came across this helpful list on how to keep a girl. It was posted by a fellow gamer, so of course it’s a completely truthful list. If you guys go out there and actually attempt anything on this list, we are not responsible for the results. This is strictly for entertainment purposes and the actions should only be attempted by professionals like myself. I realize this isn’t big gaming news, but it’s Sunday and sometimes I just like to have fun with articles on slow weekends. If she happens to be a total psycho, then some of these things may actually work. If anyone ever needs advice on psycho girlfriends, I’m the guy to come to. The great list follows the break.

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better.”
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If
she is, say “you better be.” Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words “**** you” and grab the other
girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick.” Women love those
special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
“if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be
bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
way, she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt
and say “no, she’s not hungry.” Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking
about).

21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say
“no, it’s just the rain.” Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that’s important is
that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one
that much, but guys think it’s funny.

26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re
going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Don’t
call

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98 Comments on Guide On How To Keep A Girl For Gamers

Almighty KAN

On June 18, 2007 at 11:59 am

These are pretty bad tips. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. But these people do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtQpKZgrjVE

My buddies on this video are wicked smart and can totally totally out sexify you.

sdfasfsf

On June 18, 2007 at 1:22 pm

Are you lol?If you do only 1 of that tips girl will kick you…….

JoÃƒÂ£o

On June 18, 2007 at 1:30 pm

Where is image from?

JoÃ£o

On June 18, 2007 at 1:30 pm

Where is image from?

Rick

On June 18, 2007 at 1:46 pm

If i seen you doing what your list suggests, I would knock you out. Seriously man, the stuff you are saying will get you put in jail. It’s called ABUSE. Get your hand off of your joystick and go to a bar. Try out your tips there and see what happens.

corey

On June 18, 2007 at 1:50 pm

OMFG that so funny you must live with your parents in a basement and the only time you talk to a girl is to your mother

lolzor

On June 18, 2007 at 1:50 pm

That was pretty funny!!! made my day lol!

Ed

On June 18, 2007 at 1:51 pm

Was the person who put this together 12? It’s not even funny. Wasted 3 min of my life…ahhh!

Rick

On June 18, 2007 at 1:52 pm

I agree with Ed.

lolzor

On June 18, 2007 at 1:53 pm

lol, it seams people take this seriously…this is obviously a joke, no person in their right mind would do any of that… i guess some people have no sense of humor

Jesus Christ

On June 18, 2007 at 1:53 pm

Anyone who thinks this list is meant to be taken seriously needs to be sterilized immediately. If nature hasn’t destroyed your bloodline yet, we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.

Anonomous

On June 18, 2007 at 1:57 pm

ummm it’s a joke…

Dana

On June 18, 2007 at 1:59 pm

Wow… William, your readers just don’t seem to get your sarcasm.

Wow

On June 18, 2007 at 1:59 pm

You ripped this off the “Top dating tips from Chuck Norris” post on Digg several weeks ago….

bad list

On June 18, 2007 at 2:00 pm

Wow what a bad list. Obviously not serious, but it could have at least been funny. Instead its punch her face, oh yea thats fun, kick her pet. Not even one snicker in that list.

Dameon

On June 18, 2007 at 2:06 pm

Just so yall idiots ing know that was the whole point of the article

cervantes429

On June 18, 2007 at 2:06 pm

Oh lawdy is dat sum sarcasm?

Jesus christ, you dumbasses need to learn what a ‘joke’ is.

BOBO

On June 18, 2007 at 2:08 pm

“If i seen you doing what your list suggests, I would knock you out. Seriously man, the stuff you are saying will get you put in jail. It’s called ABUSE. Get your hand off of your joystick and go to a bar. Try out your tips there and see what happens.”

It’s called a joke…but you obviously want to act like a tough guy on the internet so jokes are beyond your understanding.

Unfortunately, misogynist and humorous are one and the same to some people. Those that wrote this, and those that laugh at it, are a messed-up bunch.

Terrible McCheese

On June 18, 2007 at 2:14 pm

Damn…This list sounds more like “Top things and would do to a woman”.

My advice to gamers, find a gamer chick. Life is good then. Trust me.

Intangible 360

On June 18, 2007 at 2:21 pm

Surely some people are not as dense as Rick above and really this is pure sarcasm, for humanity’s sake I hope so.

Intangible 360

On June 18, 2007 at 2:21 pm

Surely some people are not as dense as Rick above and realize this is pure sarcasm, for humanity’s sake I hope so.

BobPaul

On June 18, 2007 at 2:22 pm

I highly recommend this tips. They are very good and work well.

LOL

On June 18, 2007 at 2:31 pm

Dude this was efin hilarious. Everyone that has said that it is dumb is an idiot and has no sense of humour. Do people actually think that this is serious stuff? I thought this was the internet where you could type what you want and post it anywhere. PROPS man. Good stuff. Made my day and my co-workers.

Klaus Nielsen

On June 18, 2007 at 2:40 pm

Okay – im now at #12 on the list and it’s monday.. I can’t find a party here today.. do I have to do them all in one day for this to work???

And jesus christ, how in the freaking world can some people here not get that it’s a joke? Those I’m *really* scared of how they’ll handle a girl, if they are this unsure of what’s right or wrong!

Jug

On June 18, 2007 at 3:04 pm

@Dis: “It’s misogynist. Sorry, big word.”

Yeah, I understand that someone like you may think so…

Mo

On June 18, 2007 at 3:13 pm

Best list ever! Omg, if I could do all this , and still keep my gf, I’d be the happiest man in the world. You’re my kinda guy! Great Job ++

I especially love the part about mouthing “**** you” to your gf while you grab another girl’s ass.

BiSHOP

On June 18, 2007 at 3:22 pm

Wow… I tried the best one man…. My girl got me a black Fedora, right? So I knew she was coming over last thursday. I took it and wrapped it in ceran wrap, and tossed it on an old pillow in my trash can. To add to the effect, I got a new letter, duplicated the addressing, and resealed the letter that came with it in a new envelope, and put it in on top of it

She came in and honestly started crying… Then I showed her this and we both burst out laughing, along with my brother who was in on it. Obviously, then I went back out and got my hat. Damn, that trick ALMOST isn’t worth it. She was real upset at first, but luckily, she got over it. ]

O and you s who think that these are actually… Real suggestions? your a complete idiot whos just looking to find somone to make look stupid. Go get a self-esteem boost.

O, and instead of complaining about how mean and stupid these are, how about complaining about your complete LACK of a girlfriend?

P.S. only try any of these if your girl REALLY really digs you and you’ve been together a while.

LOL! That was awesome! Shame I’m already married or I could have tried some of these out…

Alicia

On June 18, 2007 at 5:55 pm

…that was positively horrible. I don’t understand how it shoudld’ve been funny.

Meg

On June 18, 2007 at 5:57 pm

if any of those were tried on me i would have to slap the guy many many times then tell everyone i know about what the guy did

meech

On June 18, 2007 at 6:00 pm

LOL haha hilarious, im gonna try a few of those out for laughs. ill make sure i tell her its a joke after

meech

On June 18, 2007 at 6:04 pm

hey are you sleeping, YOU BETTER BE

Jdude

On June 18, 2007 at 6:36 pm

Very funny! some push it a little… like punching her.. but I get the joke all the same.. I feel this is a great way to keep a woman … DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS SAYS AND YOU WILL HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP!! thats what makes this so funny for those out there that “don’t’ get it.”

This is probably humor for a specific generation, which is the reason why some get it and some don’t. Don’t dog it just cause you don’t get it. Your either to young to old or just skipped the class on how to get a joke and went strait to the one on how to criticize others you won’t ever meet.

fake

On June 18, 2007 at 7:07 pm

a brunch of bull s that would make the girl runs away.

you genius

katie

On June 18, 2007 at 10:46 pm

lol… i found this hilarious…maybe its cause im a ‘geemer chick’ but yeah… terrible… yet hilarious.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
>.

I get it...

On June 18, 2007 at 10:55 pm

Anyone who doesn’t get the joke shouldn’t have a girl/boyfriend in the first place.

Interpret this list as 26 things to do the opposite of and you are golden!

Comedy Tree

On June 18, 2007 at 11:13 pm

only chuck norris can do this kind of stuff and not get in trouble

Juvenile

On June 18, 2007 at 11:42 pm

Yeah, sarcasm, yeah, no . However, they truly were not very funny – not even in the old sense of “101 Uses for a Dead Cat” books. At least those had cute drawings. Now that I think of it, those old books really are not too funny now so this type of humor must be a young teenager or tweener thing.

BiSHOP – You sound like a total tool.

Here is a funny list of funny things to do since you all enjoy these lists:

1. Throw your (that’s poop BTW) at someone like a monkey.
2. Steal the little neighbor child’s ice cream from them and then push them down.
3. Pop a wheelie on your BMX bike and fart while you drive by the religious prude old lady at the end of the street.
4. Throw slices of salty salami on your sister’s boyfriend’s Trans-Am.
5. Throw up in a bag and let is sit in an empty locker at school for weeks.
6. Pick your nose and act like you eat it while in the lunchroom or better yet, flick it at your buddy while he chomps on his burger.
…

Yeah, this stuff really isn’t that funny, is it? If you laugh at any of that, and thusly you laughed at the original article, you must be a tweener (and as a cliche, I add: and you must not have a girlfriend).

Now I must wonder why I wasted my time typing all this crap like the original article poster probably is. Luckily I only read the first 2-3 entries of the original article.

Here is something for you tweeners to cap on…I’ll sign out like this:

-Little

DooGood Howser

On June 18, 2007 at 11:52 pm

Ziff-Davis allows crap like this to be posted?? I was not very funny and it could turn away some of the women-folk. Eyeballs is eyeballs when it comes to advertising money. I hope some femme nazis don’t get ahold of this.

Bob

On June 19, 2007 at 1:12 am

Oh no, the feminazis are mad.

Sheesh, you people are lame. This is hilarious.

Thomas

On June 19, 2007 at 1:30 am

Ahahaha! This got me in stiches! I’ve not laughed so hard in ages! I pitty the guy who took this seriously…

Captain Obvious

On June 19, 2007 at 1:43 am

This is sarcasm. If you think it was written to be a serious, comprehensive guide on dating, I’ll provide you with the name of a very good psychologist. If that doesn’t work, I have a .44 Magnum that I could lend you.

If you don’t find it funny, then you’re not right in the head. Do us all a favor and don’t reproduce; Mother Nature is going to have a hell of a time scrubbing your pathetic genes out of the genetic soup.

daoism

On June 19, 2007 at 1:43 am

I wouldn’t associate with anyone that would take serious offense to this. People need to lighten up. Anyone who thinks they’re going to get anything better than immature humor or fart jokes on the internet needs to go back to watching ‘Little House on the Prarie’ reruns or whatever it is you boring/stuck up/self-righteous people do.

It worked. And now my girlfriend is asking me to marry her. Thanks for the post

Strick

On June 19, 2007 at 8:09 am

Humor like this reminds me of “Color Field Painting”. It’s art…but it’s a poor excuse for art.

soar..

On June 19, 2007 at 9:43 am

Lmao, you retards ing get a sense of humor, this is obviously a joke.

Ahah, this was great anyways.

Twokoifish

On June 19, 2007 at 9:52 am

Ok, anyone who says that people who take offence to this dont have a sence of humor obviously have never been in an abusive relationship. this does happen to people, i would know.
Some of them were funny
so daoism, chill out.

Andrea

On June 19, 2007 at 10:09 am

That was pretty darn funny, and I’m saying this as a girl. I think the best was # 11. And to all the other people who posted angry replies to this “Get a life and a sense of humor!”

Ruru

On June 19, 2007 at 11:04 am

“# Dis says:
June 18th, 2007 at 2:13 pm

It’s not funny. It should be taken seriously. It’s “lol-ing” at situations like those listed that make the normalization of those actions inevitable.

Unfortunately, misogynist and humorous are one and the same to some people. Those that wrote this, and those that laugh at it, are a messed-up bunch.”

Dis-

The real problem is people like you wanting to put women on some bizarre platform, forcing ideals and images down the throats of young women, and young men, about how special and better women are than men. This creates hostility from both sides.

Now, if this had been a post about how to get a BOYfriend, instead of a girlfriend, I’m sure you would have found it perfectly acceptable. You wouldn’t even have given it a second thought.

It’s women like you who are giving REAL feminists a bad name. Those of us who are working for a better equality, one where women and men are respected equally, and women DON’T need special treatment, kindly ask you to GTFO and quit misrepresenting our gender. If you can’t do that, get back in the kitchen and shut up.

No, really, as a woman with very strong femme-power views, (and an avid gamer!) I laughed my ass off at this.

El Hombre

On June 19, 2007 at 11:09 am

omgroflkek, This is hilarious. You guys must be uber rational nerds because this is effin funny.

Gracie

On June 19, 2007 at 11:14 am

10, 17, and 19 mad me laugh. “Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.” As for 19, if I ever caught him, I would go Oksana from Borat on him and “snap his off”! The rest of it is just too creepy to be funny! Yeah, I’m a girl as you can see from my name, and I see it as both funny and disturbing. Weird combo, I know.

Jeez man, stop flaming the guy. Hey some part was funny some was not, if its not, stop reading and shut up. There is no point in flaming like I am now.

tjma2001

On June 19, 2007 at 12:07 pm

lol@ dexa… why are people so ignorant they got to take all this stuff seriously. although i must admit i pulled off the birthday one once or twice but thats cos i was broke..hahahahahaha… its still funny to think that i got away with it.. going to make it up thise year though

Bober@spambob.com

On June 19, 2007 at 1:58 pm

Another recommended reading for gamers is yet another piece of satire that was found not to be just satire – Ladder Theory, which is available on LadderWiki.com site.

Dorks

On June 19, 2007 at 2:05 pm

Idiots. 99% of those posting know it is *supposed* to be humorous and sarcastic…even those who you claim “do not have a sense of humor”. We do have one, this just isn’t funny…it is lame.

Let me clear this up for you: it is not lame because it degrades women or anything it is just lame because it is, well, lame. Not much imagination in it.

Someone is always going to take offense to anything you say in this world. Personally, I like to find a little humor in everything. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time and it would be real lame for me to take everything serious all the time. Sometimes you just have to turn reality into a funny joke.. it makes living a lot easier. If this was written in a serious tone, then things would be different.. but it was an obvious joke.

s0medantastic

On June 19, 2007 at 3:19 pm

L 0 L.

l0vvsit

Comedy Tree

On June 19, 2007 at 3:22 pm

i read this again today its still rwally funny the secound time and people who take this cereal should know its a joke and not take it cereal people arent going to do this unless your crazy or chuck norris its just a joke

(i still think only chuck norris can do this and get away with doing this stuff if anybody else succeded let me know)

Unfortunately, misogynist and humorous are one and the same to some people. Those that wrote this, and those that laugh at it, are a messed-up bunch.”

I agree 100% and so does my girlfriend…. because when she doesn’t agree with me she gets a slapping.

Caleb

On June 20, 2007 at 5:22 pm

I know some of you guys don’t believe this, but it’s all true. All you disbelievers need to get with the program! I use every single step on this list, daily. My wife and I have been happily married for quite a while thanks to important daily guidelines such as those. And by happily married, I mean I’m happy and I’m married. Who cares about her!

Nerd Lord

On June 20, 2007 at 7:00 pm

ok, i don’t care who you are, number 17 would be fun to do for about a month,
and if not, it would be funny to see what happens.

that ones just plain great

Chest Rockwell

On June 20, 2007 at 9:10 pm

LOL!!
It is a great list!!! Look for the hot ones with low self esteem who comes from a broken home!!

Hannah

On June 20, 2007 at 10:02 pm

awesome tips. *NOT*

BRANDON

On June 21, 2007 at 11:16 pm

OK OK OK SUM OF THIS IS NOT TRUE..HE MUST BE CRAZY AS HELL TO DO SUM OF DAT TO A GIRL…WE TALKN BOUT A GOOD GIRL NOT A HOE…..LOL..DATS SUM FUNY

dickss

On June 23, 2007 at 4:47 pm

sad thing is some guys are really s like that and do a few things on that list….

Scott

On June 26, 2007 at 4:41 am

For all you sensitive people out there. I have a great relationship with my girl. I would never do anything like this but I have to say kudo’s because you know there’s about a million lists for women talking about men out there that get laughed at on a daily basis through emails and on the internet.

This was freakin’ funny and I enjoyed it. Stop being so stupid and realize that its a joke. Its meant for hillarity, not to hurt your poor feelings.

The people who take stuff like this seriously are the ones who start riots and burn down entire buildings because they didn’t like the violence it portrayed or the opinion they have. LMAO

i don’t think they are one and the same to people who laugh at this. You have to be able to laugh at almost anything in life from time to time. Life is too short to be serious all the time.

pinkfluff

On October 30, 2007 at 2:41 pm

this is ing disgusting. I hope someone chops your balls off and feeds them to you. You probably have never evn been laid you sick misogynist .

yeahright

On November 1, 2007 at 10:33 am

this is sick

Chick

On February 1, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Ok I totally get that this is a joke but it was a bad one. Also being like the only girl to respond to this I say it’s annoying.

oh, and if said guy was already a gamer when he got a girlfriend I’m pretty sure he’ll be able to keep her. If not replace her with a gamer chick, we’re better anyway.

mr.optamistic

On February 7, 2008 at 7:54 pm

Hello I am a fellow gamer and I ask all who read this gibberish not to confuse it with gamers but to understand that it is nothing more thin a bad joke made by someone who has a womanizing and abusive sense of humor. Any one who has or will act in such a way can not use this as an actual reason for what they did or will do for they are already a womanizing and abusive person. Well hope every one has a wonderful day even anyone who just may have something to say about my replay.

I realize how some may see this as a bad joke. It was really meant to make fun of the morons out there. Some people actually do these things. Perhaps my sense of humor isn’t the same as everyone else, but I guess I can find at least a little humor in nearly any subject… don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it certainly makes life a little easier.

I never thought about dating a gamer chick.. I’m actually married to someone who just plays games occasionally. I have heard that gamer couples sometimes have to fight over tv time, but I guess that’s why it’s always a good idea to have several televisions in one house.

danny d smith

On February 13, 2008 at 11:02 am

dude that is totally ed up this is hillarios im goona do this just for the fun of it lol aww damn man your in twisted lol

reality

On February 22, 2008 at 1:07 am

that was actually the best joke ive ever hurd. very smart. stupid i agree, but in awsome, harsh yea, but guys like messed up jokes! hahaa

Kenny

On March 6, 2008 at 12:36 am

dude…..ur a sad story….. i swear…… what kinda you think ur doing? im 14, friend told me bout this, looked at it, thought ur a stupid as, and trust me….. if all you gamers want a chick, put the damn remote down for the phone for at least 1hr a day. and on weekends go hang out with her or watch movies, never(i mean it) ask a girl 2 come play games with you, cuz then they will think its boring and your losing your time with her. geesh go have a makeout fest instead dang……=\

juliet

On March 11, 2008 at 8:30 am

omg …

some of that thing are not tru okeey ..

not every girl act like this okeey ..

Lisa Gamergirl

On April 11, 2008 at 9:39 am

whats wrong with you people
it’s funny! … do you get it?… it is a joke
(to gamer girls) – find a gamer boy and kill him in the multiplayer game…
then write “lol, “playername” was killed by a girl” belive me, it’s embarrassing for him.
haha how nervous boys get when kicked by a girl

btw kenny you are wrong, i don’t want to waste whole 1 hour from 24 to hanging on the phone…whatta waste of playing time… and the movies? weekends? come on… weekend is my only time when whole day free time.

i would like when guy wants to play games with me

Ken

On April 18, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Dude! Im in 13 and i dont believe this ! This aint funny one bit and the guy who made this should go to hell along with those who think it’s in funny! Thats not the least bit funny! If you really think its funny your sick in the in head.

kevin

On April 23, 2008 at 11:52 am

email me with tips from women.. to know if ur to attacheed nd how to get away from them

JCRBOY

On July 1, 2008 at 3:46 am

Wow… the list was entertaining… but the angry people were even funnier. Call me a misogynist, call me a retard, call me a tool, call me whatever… but this is a funny list. Some of the “punch lines” are a little weak, but the list is a quality diversion

jake

On July 24, 2008 at 7:32 am

haha yous are in stupid, this is a joke thing, its funny. have a laugh, dont actually do it. if u do ur pretty in stupid

HA! Thats fricken hilarious. I dunno whgy but I love number 6 the most.

Shoshana

On September 4, 2009 at 12:06 pm

I think this is hilarious.
im a girl and i find some of these to be true to a certain extent.
I had to deal with my best friends crazy ex girlfriend and I think this is exactly how she should of been dealt with lol(she is out of her mind).
She was extremely jealous of me…but i could understand why…
Very funny.

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