Tell Me About It: It's not too late to seek explanation for old slight

Sunday

May 11, 2014 at 12:01 AMMay 11, 2014 at 12:42 PM

Dear Carolyn: Eight years ago, my best friend of 15 years - my maid of honor - told me, via email, no less, two months before the wedding that she had other plans on my wedding day.

Dear Carolyn: Eight years ago, my best friend of 15 years — my maid of honor — told me, via email, no less, two months before the wedding that she had other plans on my wedding day.

Because I got upset by that information, she stopped talking to me. I begged, pleaded, left sobbing voicemails, emails, etc., with no response. She cut me off without explanation. It felt like a death.

For what it’s worth, she once persuaded me to take a train from Washington, D.C., to Seattle for a wedding (it was post 9/11, and no flights were possible) because she argued that weddings were a big life event.

Unfortunately, our mutual friends continue to be friends with her, go on vacation with her, etc., despite her treatment of me. And this still drives me crazy.

How do I move on? I am at the point where I just want to unfriend all of these people because they tolerate such behavior. Am I being unreasonable?

— Too Old for This Garbage

Dear Too Old: What a terrible story; I’m sorry.

I can see why you’re pushing (flogging?) yourself to “move on,” yet I don’t think time has the only say here. An imperative to move on also comes from reaching the end of your options. I’m not sure you’ve done that.

Namely, you can ask a mutual friend what the heck happened. (Asking anyone to take your “side” is suspect under any circumstances.) Yes, it’s ancient history, but that also means asking about it now is much less charged.

You’re not guaranteed any answer, of course, much less a satisfying one, but it might provide you some closure.

Your ex-best friend’s actions seem too clear-cut and cruel to justify the continued loyalty of people who call themselves your friend — and even without filling in blanks, it does sound as if it would be therapeutic to unburden yourself of these people altogether.

First, though, at least consider whether any of these friends is one you can count on. If no one fits this description, then there’s your relief, your permission to “unfriend everyone,” to say goodbye to people you can’t trust to care when you’re in pain or tell you the truth.

If you do have a mutual friend sturdy enough to lean on, though, give it a shot.

Again, no guarantees, but you can ask. I suggest you do so simply because both an answer and a non-answer have the power to set you free.