"I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence." - Xenocrates

January 01, 2015

Just realized that in the 6 months since I've posted here, life has been hectic as shit. My second semester of grad school was, while a lot better than the first, hard as hell. I was also hustlin' on the side to survive in the big city but I've met some amazing people who have saved my sanity on more than a few occasions. Its been weird. My decision to move to NYC was a good one, but man, have I ever had to pay the price.

Because of time constraints I felt like I did a lot of interviews this year, which was fine, but a bit underwhelming. I really moved away from cultural criticism as I just felt that I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do so. One of my plans in 2015 was to do more "think-pieces," but the end of this year seemed to display a backlash of the onslaught of articles bemoaning whatever controversy was happening that month. However, there was a lot to talk about. Just don't know right now if another voice is needed.

I guess the question is, who has the legitimate voice? Who has the voice that commands authority? To me, its still a white male 'voice' that carries more clout, followed by young, white women writers who represent the demographic of who is utilizing social media the most. Those who are percevied as economically viable. Those who will have more educational and professional opportunities to make concrete changes in the world. This made me feel a bit depressed but also understanding - a bit. Its just that by this time in the world, I expected change. This year it seems like the world was (socially, politically) regressing, which conjured up a feeling of helplessness. It also made making ambitious pursuits and plans for the future a bit grim.

June 22, 2014

I'm about 6 months behind in actually writing about my move from Toronto to Brooklyn. Outside of being extremely busy with my first semester of graduate school at The New School / NSSR ; freelancing to try and keep a roof over my head, and other stuff, I've been putting this off because I don't know really how to surmise my time here.

Overall, I love it. I love my spot in Brooklyn. I'm glad I moved here. I'm still haunted by last year, which was a doozy and because of that I've been putting off a trip home to pick up some stuff. I don't actually want to go back to Canada ever again. I do miss seeing my besties and some family members but there are too many bad memories and dysfunctions that still plague my mind. I do have a good long-distance phone plan so I'm always in touch. Which is good enough for me.

However, while the transition here has been pretty smooth, there are some cultural differences that have made me pause.

The Subway / Train: I wish that the MTA would use the same metro cards as the TTC. In Toronto, the cards are made out of hard plastic, which makes it easier to swipe. In New York they are paper, which makes them flimsy and hard to swipe. At my local station, the swipe machines are shit, which means you are constantly swiping your cards just to get through which is a pain when you have 10 impatient people standing behind you, huffing and puffing. It took me about 2 months to figure out how to deftly swipe my car in a manner in which the machine-thingy didn't bend the card.

I'm very fortunate to live 3 blocks away from my station, which is a busy one. But because of so many people, getting on the train - most notably in Brooklyn - is arduous. People are pushy, rude and stand at the door entrance, not willing to move to let people on the car. I do understand this, as people are hell-bent on getting a spot that it is more out of self-survival than blatant rudeness. However, there seems to always be some asshole who decides to plop his over-sized suitcase / gym bag right at the entrance during peak hours, forcing people to trip / step over their stuff just to get on and off the train. Again, I understand - its this weird way of demanding individual acknowledgement and some weird power trip, but it's ridiculous. But overall, the MTA is exactly like the TTC in terms of how to conduct yourself. I don't feel fearful or uneasy on the train when riding at night. You just have to be aware of your surroundings wherever you go.

My 'Hood: This was the biggest culture shock. My slice of Bed Stuy is probably 95% black, and I love living in an area where people aren't glaring at me and wondering if I live there. However, it is noisy and filthy as hell. Again, a highly concentrated area in which that is inevitable, but it makes me feel really Canadian. The class disparity is bizarre - If I walk about 5 blocks to the west and perhaps 3 blocks south, the neighbourhood totally changes - there are actual cafes, restaurants and white people. Interestingly enough, at my stop it seems like white folks enter from the "gentrified" train entrance and us black folks enter from the "non-gentrified" entrance. There is a grocery store and other amenities close to my house, but if you want to sit outside, get a coffee or find a patio to get a drink, you are either going to have to walk a bit of a distance or get on the train to go to Manhattan or another neighbourhood in Brooklyn. There are lots of shuttered businesses, which is sad.

For the first couple of weeks of living here I would go into a local store and when I went to pay for my purchases, I would get asked, "EBT?" I would pause and then pull out my cash. The owners - primarily Middle-Eastern or South American, would look at me in surprise. I had no idea what they were talking about until I asked my roomates, both South Asian, if they had ever been asked. The said no but explained that EBT is a debit card for those on social assistance. You can only use the cards in certain stores in NYC but the majority of stores in my neighbourhood take them.

So for me, I had to check myself in relation to class differences. The majority of the people I've interacted with in my 'hood have been incredibly friendly, but like all neighbourhoods, there are people who are extremely loud, rude and shady. So while this is not entirely surprising, a couple of the things that are remarkably different between Toronto and New York folks are:

Singing / rapping: wearing your headphones and loudly singing along with whatever you are listening to. This happens at all hours of the day - almost like the culprits are hoping that Jay-Z is going to appear from air and discover their talent. But there is no talent.

Oversharing music: People that enter stores or trains with the speaker on blast on their devices. WHY?

People who 'Overshare' on the street: I live on a very busy main street in Bed Stuy. From my window I've heard every conversation you can think of: Mostly frustrated parents threatening to beat the shit out of their kids; young teenage couples fighting ( last week I saw a girl try to beat up her boyfriend); breakups; makeups, etc. I saw a 60+ year-old woman buy crack from a car parked right in front of my building...actually, a lot of shady shit goes on right in front of my building. Sure, we always overhear stuff wherever we go, but here the volume is magnified by 10. People don't give a shit who hears what; they just express themselves in the manner in which they want to. Be damned with anyone else.

The "I Don't Give a Fuck" attire: Honestly? in Toronto if a black woman rolled out to Wal-Mart with curlers in her hair, she would be getting massive side-eye not just from black folks, but from everyone. Here, I see that every week, including people who shop in their Pajamas. Hell, I've seen people wear their pajamas - both the tops and bottoms - on the C Train!

Remember that hairdo that Rhianna wore to some award show, when she had her hair wrapped with the bobby pins? I learned after getting my hair done at a Dominican salon that it is a Doobie Wrap - they do to keep your hair straight from the salon to your home. Again, I've seen women in public all the time like that, and recently saw a black dude with a Doobie Wrap too. Now to be honest and fair, the cashier who was serving him had a very shocked look on her face.

Living here did curb me of my Weave wearing. After seeing so many unkempt hairstyles, I swore that unless I plan to spend $1,000 on some good human hair probably ripped off the head of some poor East or South Asian woman, there is no point. I've seen some incredibly horrible wigs, matted weaves and women whom simply do not give a shit what is growing - or living - on their head.

So while I'm totally judging here, there is something incredibly positive about this lack of respectability politics that really plagued the black community back home- there are so many people just trying to live their lives, you have to DO YOU. Don't give a shit what others think - you just rock what you want and let it all hang out. While it can occasionally be an eyesore, it is liberating. It teaches me that while things I see and experience might give me temporary pause, it is extremely important to forget what people look like and focus on who they are as individuals. You HAVE to. there are so many people who could potentially be great networking buddies that you have to focus as much as you can on who they are - not how they choose to dress.

Race and Racism: When I lived in Toronto, I always said that I preferred American's brand of racism because you knew exactly where you stood. While I'm not sure I entirely feel comfortable with that sentiment now, talking about race here is more arduous than I thought but at least people wear their ignorance on their sleeve. It surprises me that within a city that is so extremely diverse - I see folks on the train and I have no idea of their ethnicity - the ignorance about other peoples' lives - the social and geographical segregation - is surprising. I have been asked several times on my campus if I'm actually a student. It's not necessarily my age, but the fact that there are hardly any black students in graduate programs at my school. I also have gotten the fearful 'Missy Anne' look from a couple of white female students who are afraid when I enter an elevator with them. AND THIS IS IN MANHATTAN.

I won't even get started on the metal / underground scene. Or some situations I've dealt with in relation to my classmates. I don't know why it surprises me that there are a number of people whom tend to live under rock formations. How can you live in such a huge city yet know nothing about the people who surround you (outside of the Internet, I guess)?

Despite this, would I want to move back to Canada? Fuck no. I simply like studying, writing and being in close proximity to cultural events...... but there is a long way to go in order to find my place here. It is going to take more work than I imagined. But I'm ready for it.

(The picture was taken at what is so far, my favorite place in Brooklyn, the DUMBO district).

March 14, 2014

A few weeks ago I was asked to interview a band that I really dig: Lord Mantis. I didn’t hesitate in taking the gig. It was an email interview, so I sent my questions to their PR guy and was looking forward to their responses.

I am going to slightly sway from the story here: I want to recommend to everyone that if you have a trace of doubt in your mind, listen to it. On the surface, I was stoked to do the interview, but a couple of months beforehand one of my Facebook friends who is Trans, had posted some leaked artwork of the band’s cover, depicting a woman with a penis, bound with lash marks and a noose. A couple of other Facebook friends had responded that the artwork was incredibly offensive to Trans people and swore to boycott the album and the band. I agreed that the cover could be construed as offensive, and added that the artist, musician Jef Whitehead (Leviathan, Twilight) might not have been the best choice, as he had just gotten out of some serious legal charges involving accusations of sexual assault.

(Full discloure: A good friend of mine interviewed Whitehead for Decibel Magazine when the charges first materialized in the press. I talked to him privately as in the interview the charges were not mentioned by him, but Whitehead did allude to them himself. In a roundabout, passive / agressive way I accused him of purposefully omitting the charges, which were later dismissed).

March 02, 2014

I've been writing about race and racism for....shit, since I was 17 or so. I've had my share of critics, but in comparison to many of my race-baiting colleagues I've been pretty lucky.

However, I do have my faults: I never back down and I almost never apologize. I'm stubborn as hell but what I've found is that in the past year I've had to curb my usual knee-jerk reaction to responding to negative commenter's - only those who contact me directly - with "go fuck yourself." Its not like I do not want to listen to criticism or can't take it: but when it is based not on what I write but the fact that I wrote it, I have a problem.

As an author who will be pimping my book for most likely the rest of my life, it is not the most professional way to approach things.

January 19, 2014

On Saturday night (January 18th) Global National Television ran a ten minute segment based on my book, What Are You Doing Here on their program 16 x 9. I haven't even watched it yet - I got through about 2 minutes this morning watching it with a friend and I asked him to turn it off. I started to cry.

But no, really, it is supposed to be good. Got a lot of good feedback so far.

One of the 'issues' that was raised in this segment was not even about black women in heavy metal. It was about me, my adoption, and the identity issues that help lead me to become involved in the metal scene. It was extremely hard to write about this in the book, to speak about it on camera, and to deal with the reaction from my family.

Talking / writing about trans-racial adoption isn't easy. In 2013, one of the main issues that caused the year to be a shitshow was having to publicly acknowledge my struggles with my upbringing....hell, I brought it up in my book but for some reason, didn't realize that it would be repeatedly brought up in interviews, reviews, etc. So I dished it out but realized I didn't know how to take the residual effects.

My bad.

A lot of it has to do, I realize now, with not only being given up at birth, but finding out, at 19 ( the legal age when I could access my adoption records) that my biological mother did not want contact with me at all. The feelings of not belonging, of feeling unwanted and unloved has led to times of estrangement from my family; getting into relationships in which I look for love in unhealthy ways and from people who are unable or unwilling to reciptrocate, and a lot of mistrust on my part. I didn't realize until recently how my identity issues had permeated other aspects of my life, most notably, the relationship I have with myself.

So....despite not seeing the segment, I'm not a damn fool. I want others to get to know the incredible talent of my good friend Militia Vox, a singer who is prominently featured in the segment; and to know more about the issues that other black women fans, musicians and industry workers have to go through to participate in the music culture in which they are so passionate about.

A huge H/T goes out to Brendan, Elias and Mark from Global TV who made this happen, my brother Chris who allowed the crew to film at his home, and most importantly my parents, whom despite havins some legitimate reservations, agreed to the same. Love you all. Sorry for being such an asshole sometimes!

December 18, 2013

It was simply a great year for music. Just like last year I didn't write a whole lotta reviews, but ended up doing more interviews and concert reviews. I was able to check out a lot of new stuff and see some of the bands that are on my list perform live, which (admittedly) helped with my decisison. I've already submitted one "Best Of" list and have two more to go in the next week. Because of peer pressure I thought I'd better get this up, STAT.

I responded to my selections either on a visceral or technical level - I don't even know if those are the right words to use, but what I'm trying to say if bands /their music physically / emotionally moved me, or if there was something about the mixing, production, etc. that was exceptionally good. In relation to Gorguts and Carcass, both who are bands that released new albums after quite long hiatuses, I noted the fact that both releases were incredibly stellar comebacks. I loved Cathedral's The Last Spire, which will be their last. One of the decisions I made was that it was an exceptional swan song - at this point they could have just pumped out bile and their fans would have loved it (Edit: but I find that a lot of their albums seem a tad over-produced - to crisp and shiny - especially those done via their retro phase and not the early Doom stuff).

I was a bit hesitant about adding Darkthrone's The Underground Resistance not because I didn't love it, but because I am a new-ish fan. In some ways, I wanted to delve into their catalogue a bit more in order to make a better comparison and be able to judge this subjectively objectively. But I simply thought this was a fun, trad-metal album. "Leave No Cross Unturned" is my single of the year.

I listened to a lot more Grind than usual this year. Luckily for me, I saw Repulsion play three times, as well as Pig Destroyer, caught Full of Hell and whatever else was playing at Maryland Deathfest this year. The Weekend Nachos album blew me away.

While not Grind, saw the Melvins twice, as well as Carcass, and Gorguts in Calgary. Finally saw Sleep and was not disappointed. The Watain show in Toronto in October was really good, too!

MDF is always crazy fun ( this year was not that great, in terms of the weather and some logistical issues) and SXSW music fest this year was...well, meh, so the Decibel's 100th Anniversary / Neurosis show(s) in Philadelphia; Calgary's Noctis Festival and Austin's Housecore Horror Festival stood out for me this year. They were all really laid back festivals with laid back people (MDF is turning a bit douchey) with impressive lineups. Austin was especially great because the weather was good, we had some SERIOUS Mexican food, awesome BBQ and the beer was cheap!

My metal friends - new and old - also were a saving grace this year. What ended up happening was that every time I went through a rough patch in Toronto, I was able to hop on a plane to do a book-related event and ended up hanging with folks for a day or two. Going to these shows and seeing people I rarely see in person was a real lifesaver.

So enough blabbering. Here is my "Best Of Music" list. I don't really have a #1 that I could legitimately justify as being #1, so what are below are albums I personally enjoyed.

I've been dying to write this for weeks, even though I know that its not totally true:

2013 sucked.

This, hands down, was the hardest year of my life, but it is only fair to say that things were either really good (see white) or really bad (see black) but by the end of the year, there was a bit of gray (see my "Best of Music" list), which I'm thankful for.

White

The book did really well this year - better than I thought it would - and I was able to do quite a bit of travelling to promote it, which I love to do. I did a keynote lecture at the first North American Heavy Metal and Popular Culture conference in Bowling Green, Ohio, which was thrilling. I met academics whom I'd admired for years!

My official book launch at Saint Vitus in NYC was great and my Toronto-area readings were fantastic. People volunteered their time for me at the book launch in which I am still really appreciative of!

Probably the one of the best things that happened is that I got into graduate school! I'm moving I moved to Brooklyn, NYC a few days before Christmas, and officially start in January. But this news was probably the reason why 2013 was extremely difficult.

Global Television will be airing a segment on me and the book in late January, 2014 on their national docu-series, 16x9. I am scared of that the end result might look like, but honored that they took interest in the book. This is HUGE.

I went to a number of festivals and saw some great concerts this year, meeting people that I'd never thought I would talk / meet in my life. I met and chatted with Phil Anslemo in Austin, TX about his inclusion in WAYDH and after that I felt that a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulder.

Chatting / befriending some of the readers who reached out to me via Twitter, Facebook and email (and a few times in person) was fantastic. I feel like I made so many new acquaintances this year. The interviewees were great - I've made some lifelong friends through this journey.

My little sister got married! However, there was some issues around this ( see below).

If it wasn't for my friends - some new and some old - there is no way I would have gotten through these trying times. You know who you are, and I love you.

For the first time ever, I feel that I am respected as a metal journalist. Anyone who knows my back story knows that this is pretty big.

October 21, 2013

I was going to post about some upcoming book / event stuff, but I wanted to take a few minutes out to discuss something that really bothered me.......

I woke up this morning to a text that my best friend sent me last night. She was on her way home on the subway when she was harassed by this man, whom she described as 'mentally not all there.' After several minutes of him first, trying to pick her up and then verbally assaulting her, she pulled out her keys, making sure one of them was poking out of her clenched fist, and threatened to kick his ass. He eventually backed off and got off at the next stop.

What bothered her (and me) was that there were other people on the train. People who witnessed what was happening and did nothing. One couple in particular sat silently and did nothing, not bothering to move seats UNTIL my friend threatened her harasser, making my friend think that they were more afraid of her than the man. Another male passenger seemed to think it was funny and just smirked at my friend until the assaulter got off the train.

What bothered me even more is that my friend said that she felt as though others thought that as a black woman, being attacked by a black man, that she wasn't worth helping. In the case of the couple, the man (white) kept his (white) girlfriend close, which seemed that he was more concerned about her than the woman that he didn't know .....who was the one that was being assaulted.

But what does this have to do with race?

This is not the first time this has happened. Not to her and not to me.

Several years ago I was walking with another friend of mine down a busy street. The same friend that a few weeks before this incident I was with when we were pulled over by the cops who requested our ID and asked why we were in the neighbourhood we were in. When they were satisfied with our answers, one of the cops accused us of being prostitutes. This was on a summer evening, around 7:00pm when the sun was still shining. We were not dressed in any particular way; I think we were going to the Mall or something.

Anyway, this particular incident involved a man passing us on the street and reaching out and grabbing my friend's breast - hard - and laughing as he walked down the street. We were stunned and stopped, looking at each other. People passed us on the street, and their eye contact with us made me realize that they had seen what had happened. No one went after the man, who just calmly walked down the street.

She thought she somehow deserved that assault. After all, why didn't anyone help?

My friend's experience last night also triggered an incident that happened a few years ago when I was stalked and physically assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. This was at the entrance of my apartment building, in broad daylight. I clearly remember a man walking by, whom, presumably hearing my ex screaming at me at the top of his lungs, stopped to observe for a minute, as I made eye contact with him. Despite that, he walked away. My attacker was 'coded' white.

I said to my friend today, "the fact that this man stood by and watched me get assaulted and walked away was worse than the actual assault itself." I have always thought that if I were a white woman the man might have intervened, and feelings ( humiliation, unworthiness) arose that years later, I still cannot shake. I later found out that some 'friends' of mine knew that my ex had a long history of assaulting women. No one bothered to tell me when they knew we were dating ( but that is another story).

We are told that in popular culture our value as black women is less than the value given to a white or a non-black woman. And while this is no revelation, we also know how folks feel about us committing crime. In writing my book and interviewing black women who had been assaulted at metal shows being black, not their gender, was the catalyst for the attack. They were not given the genteel treatment or consideration that I've obseved other women get at shows....and in life in general.

They were not considered 'women' at all, which unnerved...and still unnerves me. And I will never accept it, which is why this recent incident with my friend really bothered me.

Sexual viol­ence is thus under­stood as some­thing deriv­ing from slavery and col­on­isa­tion, affect­ing both women and men. This his­tory of black women’s bod­ies as com­mod­ity objects to be used, viol­ated at the pleas­ure of white men remains as a psychic, social, racial trace in con­tem­por­ary Amer­ican soci­ety.﻿

Think what you will about this post. I recently had a bit of a dust-up with a white, male "Facebook friend' who had, previous to our most recent issue, coded me as an Angry Black Woman. He saw anger...and racism....in my recount of being fustrated of being treated unfairly at a show I reviewed this weekend. I'm well aware that when some recount an issue that is so subliminal and insidious in nature, that it is difficult for those who are not black ( and in this case, a woman) to fully comprehend how infuriating it can be.

What can you do? Listen. Don't insinuate that by talking about bad treatment, that I'm the racist and somehow irrationally angry.

Understand that with many years of lived experience dealing with overt and covert racism, with seeing the inequality between how white women and women of colour are treated, that our experiences - while not yours - are real. And more importantly worthy of discusssion and understanding.

What made me furious about what happened to my friend is that she could have been physically assaulted. Would it take THAT for people to take action? For the man / asshole who was smirking to take it seriously?

Our lives are JUST AS IMPORTANT as anyone else's. Its just extremely infuriating in situations like these, that we are the only ones who understand that.

October 11, 2013

A couple of weeks ago I did an interview with Thunder Bay's Witchfinder Radio on What Are You Doing Here? and the Indiegogo Campaign. I think it turned out really great, so check it out below.

Indiegogo Campaign - A few days to go!

Well folks, this has been difficult. There are about 11 days to go and I really need your help to get the word out on this. Depending on the money raised is the cities I can hit. I'm really trying to do at least one show in Oakland, CA this November / December but could do with a boost! Here is the link to the Indiegogo page. Any help would be appreciated!

September 28, 2013

I started an Indiegogo Campaign a couple of weeks ago to fund the book event tour that I mentioned in an earlier post. I'm not going to reguritate everything here - check out the above video and head on over to the campaign page and donate! We have a long way to go!