Life is a lot like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely . . .then a woman makes it hard. ba-dum-bum-CHING

Oak Ridge NC

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A blonde and a brunette share office space. One Friday the brunette is delivered a mind boggling arrangement of beautiful flowers, obviously having cost hundreds of dollars along with a note which read "to the sexiest woman I know".

"OMG", gushed the blonde, "you must be sooo pleased!"

"Yes," replied the brunette, "they are very nice."

"Very nice?" said the blonde. "You certainly don't sound all that impressed."

"Well, they really are nice, but I know what they mean. Looks like I will be spending another weekend with my ankles behind my neck."

"Damn, girl", exclaimed the blonde. "You need to get yourself a vase!"

Danville VT

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The pilot on a flight announces to the three female passengers to prepare for an emergency landing at sea. One starts putting on her jewelry, the other two ask why and she says we'll gold shines so they will find me, so the other starts to put on her jewelry which is diamonds saying well diamonds shine more than gold so they will find me first, the last one starts taking off her clothes and the others ask why and she replied, well they will find me since they always look for the black box first.

Abbeville SC

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@ThePacked nice first post, might as well cop a squat and stay a while

I call him the devil, because he makes me want to sin. Sometimes an angel just has to get her halo dirty.

Oak Ridge NC

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Three women get on an elevator in an office building, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The doors close, and the brunette notices a suspicious-looking stain on the wall of the car, about waist-high. She leans down for a closer look. "That looks like a cum stain!" she declares.

The redhead leans down and sniffs it gingerly. "That smells like a cum stain!" she reports.

The blonde leans down and licks it... "Well, it's nobody from this building."

Des Moines IA

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Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!" exclaimed Hillary. After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled Trump.

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place," begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary," replied President Trump.

Thornton CO

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Oak Ridge NC

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LOL, that was really funny.

Nokomis FL

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Why the CIA hires women.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious.

I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said.

"I had to kill him with the chair."

Thornton CO

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A horse walks into a bar, ...... the bartender asks ........ why the long face.

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