Thursday, October 29, 2009

Today I made some fresh chicken puree for Evan and gave it a try!! Well, not me personally, however it didn't look half bad!!

Evan was a bit surprised at first I think. But after the flavor started to work its way in his mouth, he was quite happy! Initially it was a bit thicker and he had to do a bit of chewing motion, but then I added some liquid and that seemed a bit better. Unfortunately this is more grainy...so when he goes to rub it all over his face, in his eyes and up his nose...a bit different from the rice cereal!! hee hee hee. I had to have a cloth by me the whole time!

In the next 4 or 5 days I will introduce another form of meat...maybe beef. It's getting fun with starting this!

I think it's time to invest in a high chair though so the poor child doesn't have to sit amongst my paperwork and whatnot on the table!! Or here is an idea for myself...CLEAN OFF THE TABLE and KEEP it clean!! Good grief!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My friend Grace sent Evan the most awesome outfits from Scotland. This is one of them. I LOVE how it is spelled mUmmy!!!!! Ignore the clutter around the back of Evan!! I was working on our company GST remittance!!

Another one of the outfits from Grace. LOVE the hat, and the pj's are soooo cozy!! Thank you thank you Grace!!

Evan playing around in his exersaucer.

Dressing up Zac's gravesite. There are a few other of the childrens graves with this same scare crow! I needed a taller marker for when it snows, and with the other childrens graves dressed up like this it almost makes it more peaceful when visiting knowing other parents do the same thing.

On the 28th of this month Evan will be 5 months (corrected age). On Monday Evan had his regular visit at the Kinsmen Childrens Center for his Alvin Buckwold Development Program. We had extra appointments for this one meeting additionally with a speech/language therapist and the pediatrician there. Evan's OT and Physio are still very pleased with Evan's development, but have told us that they discourage the use of jolly jumpers and exersaucers because it is hard on little ones developing hip bones and muscles. It can promote stiffening of the muscles because they are on tippy toes. Ummmmmm, I was totally bummed about that because those are the two things in my living room and Evan LOOOOOOVES both of them. He never stays in them long, but he has a riot when he gets to. I will still allow him the odd play session. His OT did say that 5 minutes here and there won't hurt. So 5 minutes it is!!

Evan was weighed and measured there too before seeing the pediatrician. As of October 19th Evan weighs 15lbs 1 3/4ounces and is 25 1/2 inches (64cms) long. He is in the 25th percentile for height/weight and head circumferance. The pediatrician was very happy with Evan and said we have a "very delightful boy". I agree! ;)

The speech/language therapist just watched Evan's interaction and watched his mouth/tongue movements and then I gave Evan a bottle and she watched how he drank. She too was very pleased with things and said she has no concerns. Of course Evan wasn't doing his crazy jabber talk because all his appointments started right when he should have been going down for his nap! He totally missed his morning nap and that just threw him off all day. Poor little guy! But he did really good! He was a trooper! So overall, Evan is meeting all his milestone development marks and doing great.

Evan's new favorite thing to do is get his toes in his mouth. Today my mom watched him while I was out at an appointment and she said that he got his big toe in his mouth and just started sucking on it like crazy! Now THAT is new!! Too funny!! I'll REALLY have to keep his feet clean now!! He always has toe-jammers from his socks, and since he can get them off and toes in the mouth...ugh...I don't want him with a mouth full of sock fuzz!

We will all be getting the H1N1 and flu vaccine in our house this year for Evan's sake. Evan will also be vaccinated for RSV in November. With this being his first season of cold/flu/RSV and now H1N1 we have to be very very cautious! The key is keeping Evan healthy :)

Anyhow, that's the latest update. Evan is forever our sunshine and our little clown with a constant smile on his face :) He is awesome!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

One little candle for our three angels...the large one in rememberance of others precious angels!

Tonight I lit my candles at 7pm for an hour. Evan was in bed sleeping, Brett was out working. I shut off the TV, turned off my lights and just sat and said a prayer for each of my three babies in heaven...for my sisters in heaven (yes, I have twin sisters in heaven!), for my dear friends angels that play in the streets of heaven. Yes, some tears fell, but for the first time in a long time...I felt almost at peace. No, the sadness is not gone and I'm sure it will never be gone. But tonight I allowed myself to wrap myself in the knowledge that I am not alone in missing my babies.

To each of you who have had to say goodbye to your angels all too soon...I am thinking of you, and resting in the knowledge that our babies are together in a much better place, waiting for us. Oh the stories I'm sure they will have to share, and the excitement as they show us around our heavenly home!! I rest in the knowledge that our children are together, and they are not hurting one day. And they are wanting us to know that it is okay to move forward and to smile again! We will forever have holes in our hearts and in the family portraits where our little ones should have been...but they are with us where it matters most...in our hearts.

To my Zac, Ethan and Jack...I love you dearly, and we miss you. Watch over your little brother!

So today is pregnancy/infant loss rememberance day. At 7pm (whatever that is in your own time zone) people who have experienced these losses will light candles for their angel(s) that left this earth all too soon.
For myself I will be lighting three candles tonight. Two for our identical twins that we lost December '07, and one for my sweet little Zac.
Mommy misses each of you, and will hold you forever in my heart until I can one day hold you again in my arms in heaven!
xoxoxo

Friday, October 9, 2009

Wow, these days sure don't get easier. I really don't like the 9th of each month. Emotions choke me and make me feel like I can't breathe, tears flow at the strangest...yet most frequent of times. When the hour that Zac took his final breath hits I ache all over. I miss my little boy. I find as Evan hits all these milestones and is playing and rolling around on the floor I find myself wondering what the boys would have been like together. I know they would have been crazy! If Zac would have been as active as Evan is...they would have been WWF wrestling already. And now with Evan teething I can picture the boys chewing on each other and just being these wet balls of chubby babies! That thought put a smile on my face.
My heart aches though.
Today I started packing away my maternity clothes and I'm finding it SUPER emotional! I missed out on almost 3 months worth of being able to wear these clothes that I've waited almost 8 years to wear, and I'm packing them away far beyond what should have been. But, I can't keep them hanging in my closet forever.
I've even found myself hoping that one day I will be so fortunate as to get to wear them again...but as we all know...I'm not the one in control of that so there is no point in even day dreaming about that right now. I just didn't think that clothes would make me so emotional!
I'm finding myself getting anxious with winter coming on because I'm scared I won't be able to find Zac's grave plaque. I think I'll go get a taller marker so that I will know where it is.
On another note, Evan is doing great. Growing taller it seems!! At his last couple of weigh-ins he has only been gaining a 1/2 ounce a day vs. his regular 1 ounce a day. The first time I saw that I absolutely went in to panic mode and actually started crying from the paranoia. I know that a 1/2 ounce a day is STILL in normal gaining ranges, but for Evan it hasn't been. The past week he was really fussy with his feeds and he hasn't been eating as much from his supplemented bottle feeds...but I think it's because I'm now using just basically the formula instead of mixing it half and half with my milk. So it's thicker and more filling to him. PLUS he's started with the rice cereal. PLUS he's teething. But when you are a NICU preemie mom...these things freak you out. I wish there were a manual of what to expect and when not to freak out!
However, he is still my happy, content, gorgeous little boy!!! Just when you think you couldn't love him more...you do!! I'm enjoying every moment with him...however I've got to stop letting my fears of waiting for the floor to get pulled from under me controlling me because those fears are stealing moments of joy. I'm just nervous for his first flu/cold/rsv and now H1N1 season. UGH!!! But we are going to be pretty house bound this time so I'm hoping we will avoid any illness, or anything major anyhow!
Yesterday when the snowflakes started to fall I had to smile, because when it snows those big fluffy soft slow snowflakes I always feel like I'm in a snow globe!! However, this year has added the feeling of my world occassionally being shaken like mad like a snow globe to get the pretty fluff!
Well, I suppose I should get back to trying to get through my task of laundry, but I also hear Evan waking up MUCH too soon from his nap!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Well, we were told by Evan's NICU doc and dietician that once Evan hit his 4mth corrected age we could try him on rice cereal if we wanted, and he showed interest. His dietician still preferred waiting until 6mths corrected, but was okay with us trying it out as Evan led.

So, a couple nights ago...we tried!! And it was HILARIOUS!!!!! I made it pretty runny for the first time just so he could figure out a new taste (ugh...rice cereal does not taste so great in my books!), and he just kind of drank it down from the spoon. But as I would bring the spoon to his face his arms would start waving wildly and he would start shaking. And when I took the spoon away he got mad! SO FUNNY!!!!

I've tried making it less runny each time now and he is starting to get the idea of this new "thing" in his life.

Evan is doing well. I weighed him yesterday and for the first time ever he didn't do his textbook 1 ounce a day gain. Just around a 1/2 ounce a day which is still normal. But for me...it put me in to total panic mode. I thought the scale was wrong and tried another scale. Nope...it was right. And of course I was in turmoil for the rest of the day.

However, my older brother did point something out to me...Evan has started to grow more length-wise, so that could be part of it. And babies do eventually hit plateau's. I just don't like that though! You have to understand, from day one in NICU the goal is weight gain...and it's really hard to come home and "relax" from that being engraved in to your mind. But yesterday he ate quite a bit more so I'll just re-weigh him next Friday and that will help put my mind at ease.

He is still LOVING his jolly jumper!! He goes crazy in it!! I have still yet to put together the maze of his exersaucer, but I have to because I know he'd go crazy over that too!

Lastnight Evan and I were hanging out while daddy had to run errands and I looked outside and saw the most beautiful sight in days. Sunlight! And the way it was hitting the tops of the trees in our neighborhood...it was too beautiful for words! Like the edges and tops of the trees were outlined in gold. And the sky was a beautiful blue and pink. I took advantage of the turn of weather and bundled Evan up and packed him in to the stroller and hooked up my dogs and we all went for a walk. Evan has been missing his walks, as have I!! The fresh air was good for us all!!

A couple nights ago there was a break in the grey sky and in the clouds, I KID YOU NOT, there was a dark outline of a heart shaped cloud. I looked at Brett and got all teary and showed him and said...Zac is sending us his love. Geez, I miss my boy! I was looking at Evan today thinking, how much fun would you be having with your brother right now bouncing around or rolling on the ground?!

I watched a part of 20/20 lastnight (I love that show and Dateline!) and it was about albino children. One African-American family had twin boys...they call themselves chocolate and vanilla because one of the boys was born albino. They get stared at wherever they go, and once a mall cop tried to make the father put his son down because some lady said he was trying to take a white child! Could you imagine!!!! ANYHOW, they were interviewing the boys and the one brother said of the other "when people make fun of him and call him names it makes me mad. He is the other half of my heart." I LOST it!!!! Right then the flood gates of my soul came crashing down and when Brett came home after hockey I told him about this and said "I don't want Evan to feel like he's lost the other half of his heart!" I've heard of people who have had a twin sibling pass as infants and the surviving twin saying they always felt like something was missing. And that kills me inside to think that Evan may feel that. I wish I could have fixed things and I wish that Evan still had his brother right beside him.

ANYHOW, October 15th is recognized in the states as pregnancy/infant loss rememberance day. I am thinking of doing something special that day. I think it is SO good that this is a nationally recognized day.

Well, Evan is finishing up his morning nap and then I think I will take advantage of a no-rain day and go for another walk! I've missed our morning walks!!

About Me

After 10 years of unexplained infertility and after our 1st IVF and then loss of our first babies - a triplet prior to 6 weeks and then our identical twins days before 12 weeks (Dec. 6 '07)...round 2 of IVF blessed us with fraternal twin boys - Zac Michael and Evan Brett. After delivering the boys at 28 weeks 1 day (March 6, 2009 - Zac 2lb 5ou and Evan 2lb 9ou), and three days after their birth, Zac went home to heaven to be with his brothers (March 9, 2009). 66 days in NICU and 2 weeks before my actual due date...our precious son Evan came home weighing just under 5lbs! Our story and journey from the beginning can be read here.