Littering, that’s against the law. Unless it’s one of these three things. Then it’s totally cool. Trash it up, man. No worries. The following items are definitely not trash.

Cigarette Butts

Cigarette smokers are the most persecuted people on Earth after white, Christian males. All they want to do is suck the sweet, sweet flavor of nicotine into their lungs. You won’t let them do it indoors. You won’t let them do it in public places. All they have left is the great outdoors, so deal with this, people. Cigarette butts aren’t litter — they’re tiny projectiles of protest. Let’s let them back inside and then let’s fine the fuckers for littering.

Cigarette Butts: Not Litter.

Beer Cans

Beer cans are definitely not litter. See, the people drink them while they drive, so they can’t keep them in their cars (open container laws prohibit it). And they’re definitely not going to NOT drink. What did you expect? They line every road we’ve driven. Maybe we’ll start pitching empties too. Let’s ditch the open-container thing and just start enforcing the law — 0.08% and you go behind the grate.

Pitchin' Empties: Not Litter. They're recyclable.

Gun Shells

Gun shells are definitely not litter. Want me to pick them up? You’ll have to put them in my cold, dead hands. I’ve got the right to bear arms, bitches. It’s constitutional. And I’m not about to stoop down like a janitor and pick these up. I’m an American and I have rights, goddamn it.

You going to tell a guy with a gun to pick up his empties?

Read Our Book:

Read about Paul fighting off a charging bear with a Fat Tire beer can (kinda made up). And this: Lisa meeting a talking piece of poo in the middle of the desert (maybe that was dehydration). And we realize that the meaning of life is wrapped up in a motel waffle (this is probably true).