TOP TEN LIST: “New Ideas for 2013 Mets Promotional Dates”

I was looking over our twitter followers the other day (sadly, it didn’t take long) and I noticed the name Ezra Meir-Zimbler. His profile states, “New York Mets Ticket Sales Representative, Looking for All-Star Game tickets?”

Looking at that I immediately felt bad for this young man. That’s all he’s got? We are New Yorkers, if we want to go to the All-Star Game we all know how to score tickets. You just have to know a guy who knows a guy.

So I keep daydreaming about Ezra Meir-Zimbler. (Don’t worry, Ezra, nothing over the line.) I just wonder what it is like over there at the Sales Office, bored to death, staring at that phone. Thinking, Ring, damnit, ring!

Every day.

So I have got to jump in. I have got to do something. So here it is, just for you, Ezra. Another “2 Guys” Top Ten List.

You’re welcome.

So with our standard apologies to David Letterman — we’re sorry, Dave, really — I give you the Top Ten List: “New Ideas for 2013 Mets Promotional Dates.”

10. Barf at the Park. Forget “Bark at the Park,” that’s old news. We’re introducing Barf at the Park. First 5,000 bulimics eat free (must be accompanied by a minimum of one non-bulimic to qualify). Slight up-charge for Shake Shack.

9. The Amazing Mets Pie-Throwing Contest. Following the game all fans are eligible to enter. Contestants will be judged on accuracy AND ENTHUSIASM. The winner will receive the last spot on the Mets 25 man roster for one full year.

8. It’s Not Fantasy, It’s Reality Night!

First three able-bodied fans who attend play the outfield that night. Sponsored by Sandy Alderson.

7. Jason Bay Bobblehead Trade-In Night.

Bring in your used Jason Bay bobbleheads and receive one of the crappy hats we get during the annual cap trade-in promo. Still a trade-up, right?

6. A Night to Remember — Featuring Mettle the Mule.

Mettle is dead, but never forgotten. We are going to dig up his carcass and drag him around Citi Field a few times for nostalgia’s sake. Bring the kids!

Mettle’s glory days at Shea. Catch the excitement!

5. Citi Field Scavenger Hunt.

First 39,000 fans are encouraged to find a seat at Citi Field with an unobstructed view of the entire field. The winners get to spend the entire evening in the Caesers Club with it’s magnificent view of the parking lot. Good luck! Caesers Club food and drink not included. Sponsored by Saul Katz.

4. Fireworks Night.

It’s not what you think! We are bringing in good old Wally Backman to manage, but just for one game. Talk about explosions!

Art: Joe Petruccio.

3. Mets 51st Anniversery Celebration, sponsored by AARP.

What is so special about 51 years? Nothing, but David Howard won’t let us do Old Timers Day and he doesn’t understand this is the same thing. Shhhh.

2. Banner Day II.

C’mon, you knew that was the plan all along right? Vote, ha. Suckers.

1. Ezra Meir-Zimbler Appreciation Day!

Note: If Ezra has quit by then, we retain the right to find a different Mets employee to substitute as Ezra’s replacement. No bad feelings, Ezra. If you do quit, we would understand. Completely.