Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Don't try this at home

"For it must be remembered that at the time I knew quite nothing, naturally, concerning Milo Payne, the mysterious Cockney-talking Englishman with the checkered long-beaked Sherlockholmsian cap; nor of the latter's "Barr-Bag" which was as like my own bag as one Milwaukee wienerwurst is like another; nor of Legga, the Human Spider, with her four legs and her six arms; nor of Ichabod Chang, ex-convict, and son of Dong Chang; nor of the elusive poetess, Abigail Sprigge; nor of the Great Simon, with his 2163 pearl buttons; nor of--in short, I then knew quite nothing about anything or anybody involved in the affair of which I had now become a part, unless perchance it were my Nemesis, Sophie Kratzenschneiderwümpel--or Suing Sophie!"

—Harry Stephen Keeler, THE RIDDLE OF THE TRAVELING SKULL (p. 3)

And I still think that there can be no neater way of putting in a nutshell the outcome of the super-sticky affair of Nobby Hopwood, Stilton Cheesewright, Florence Craye, my Uncle Percy, J. Chichester Clam, Edwin the Boy Scout and old Boko Fittlesworth—or, as my biographers will call it, the Steeple Bumpleigh Horror.

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Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McCaveHad twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave?Well, she did. And that wasn’t a smart thing to do.You see, when she wants one and calls out, “Yoo-Hoo!Come into the house, Dave!” she doesn’t get one.All twenty-three Daves of hers come on the run!This makes things quite difficult at the McCaves’As you can imagine, with so many Daves.And often she wishes that, when they were born,She had named one of them Bodkin Van HornAnd one of them Hoos-Foos. And one of them Snimm.And one of them Hot-Shot. And one Sunny Jim.And one of them Shadrack. And one of them Blinkey.And one of them Stuffy. And one of them Stinkey.Another one Putt-Putt. Another one Moon Face.Another one Marvin O’Gravel Balloon Face.And one of them Ziggy. And one Soggy Muff.One Buffalo Bill. And one Biffalo Buff.And one of them Sneepy. And one Weepy Weed.And one Paris Garters. And one Harris Tweed.And one of them Sir Michael Carmichael ZuttAnd one of them Oliver Boliver ButtAnd one of them Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate …But she didn’t do it. And now it’s too late.