08/24/2009

Five Amusing Ways I've Thought of for You to Kick the Bucket

1.) Literally kicking a bucket: I'm not quite sure how this would result in your death, unless by "bucket" you mean "truck" and by "kicking" you mean "lying under." I suppose also if the bucket is full of lighter fluid, and the leg with which you are kicking the bucket is on fire, that this could result in death. But in my heart this feels somehow like cheating.

2.) Being buried beneath an avalanche of manure: This would be like the scene from Back to the Future, except that, instead of bullying Marty McFly, you are horribly killed.

3.) Getting bonked on the head by a coconut: For this to be successful (i.e., resulting in your demise), the coconut tree would have to be extremely tall, and a.) the coconut would need to have the size and density of a washing machine, b.) the coconut would have to be covered in deadly spikes/poisonous spiders, or c.) your skull would have to be abnormally soft. A combination of two or more of these elements is acceptable.

4.) Being elderly and sacrificing your own life to pull a boat of survivors through a lake of acid: This becomes particularly amusing if, while you are doing this, you're rambling on to the survivors about how things were back in YOUR day, and/or repeatedly offering them Werther's Original candies.

5.) SIDs. Just for the record, SIDs isn't even remotely amusing and is probably the one topic I find off-limits, comedy-wise, and about which I would never make a joke. Unless it happens to be a fully grown adult somehow managing to die of SIDs. Then I might have to reconsider my previous position on the matter.

So good luck with all this! And remember: You can always increase the hilarity of a situation by defecating in your pants! Cha cha cha!