His Truthfully truthiness-ed Excellency The Most Honorable Rev. Fr. Professor SirEpisode #537 Dr. Stephen Tiberius "C-Train" Colbert, Esquire, D.F.A., SC, America's Newsman, Star Commander of the Order of Colbert, President and Chieftain of the Dúnedain, Greatest Living American, is a news reporter and anchor known for his romantic style, supergravitastic poise, Lincolnish intellect, extreme uber-hotness, mobile eyebrows, and witty delivery.

Best known for bringing truthiness to America's heroes through his eponymous[2]The Colbert Report and its lead-in program The Daily Show,[3] Dr. Colbert has fought the battle of hearts, minds and guts over here, so he doesn't have to fight it over there. His hard-hitting approach to infotainment leaves no stone unturned, no guest un-nailed. From the panoramic heights of The Eagle's Nest, Our Glorious Stephen takes on the secular progressives, the liberal media elite, the fat cats in Washington D.C., the people who don't watch his show, and other enemies of freedom. Although we should all call him by his proper name (21 words in all), we can all call him The Rt Hon. Prof. Sir Dr. S.T. Colbert, Esq.

In addition to his role as America's most trusted source of news, Dr. Colbert is a well-known wordsmith, whose inventions[4] include the award-winning terms wikiality and truthiness. His contributions to the American language are far too great to enumerate here, but the dictionary simply overflows with Colbert-coined words and phrases. Stephen's accomplishments in other fields are as just as great, and just as overflowing. This article barely begins to floweth over the cup of Dr. Colbert's amazing accomplishments in so many kinds of heroic action. "How does he do it all?" America must often wonder. The answer seems clear: Giant Brass Balls.

Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the Greatest Living American you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch.

Stephen Colbert is more American than apple pie. He is apple pie with a hot dog in it. Sexy!

Most recently, Colbert has been labeled as an illegal enemy combatant by a resolution in Nancy Pelosi's House of Representatives.

Stephen Colbert and his wife Evelyn McGee-Colbert at the 2006 Time 100, as covered on the blog Rocketboom.

Colbert was born May 13 (1 B.C.) in Washington, D.C. and grew up in Charleston, South Carolina on James Island, where he grew up as the youngest of 311 children in a Catholic family. As a kid, his middle name was "Danger" and he loved fire and sharp things[5]. On September 11, 1974, when Colbert was ten years old, his father, James Colbert, the vice president for academic affairs at the Medical University of South Carolina, and his older brothers, Peter and Paul, were killed in the crash of Eastern Air Lines Flight 212 while it was attempting to land in Charlotte, North Carolina. They were reportedly en route to Connecticut to enroll the two boys in the Canterbury College. He is also 12% black but states that he doesn't see people in color but through an intense infered sight.

Shortly thereafter, Colbert's mother Lorna Colbert relocated the family downtown to the more urban environment of East Bay Street. By his own account, he found the transition difficult, and did not easily make new friends in his new neighborhood. Instead, he developed a love of science fiction and fantasy novels, and became an avid fan of the fantasy role-playing games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, a pastime to which he would later partially attribute his interest in acting and improvisation.

Colbert would do drugs, but said that the only thing keeping him from doing drugs is that they're illegal. He's against them for that very reason.

Mr. Colbert attended High School and was consistently late turning in his homework. Stephen is reported as coining the phrase "If God wanted me to do homework he would have made me illiterate, instead of the genius that I am." This prompted his immediate accelerated graduation and the first college freshman to be only seven years old.

He is married to the Hot and Beautiful Evelyn McGee-Colbert, and has three children: Madeline, Peter, and John; all of whom appeared on The Daily Show during his tenure. However, even after his marriage, he continued his previous connections with NAMBLA and the North American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bald Eagles despite the wishes of his wife and family. He also has a bastard child due to an accident involving Stephen Colbert's Formula 401. This child is none other than Eric Cartman of the reality T.V. show South Park. Although not particularly political before joining The Daily Show, Colbert is a self-described Defender of Truth, and finds that supporting our president is the most effective way of protecting it.

Being a true American, he will only apologise if there is something in it for him, like an eagle guitar.

Fallback Jobs

Future Events

2020 Stephen's Korean album will go platinum, causing a chain of events leading to his discovery and invention of life sustaining articles such as the cryostasis chamber and his "eagle pills". Side effects may include: instant awesomeness, unrivaled gratitude and in some cases, though rare, an erection lasting more than 4 days.

On January 20, 2017, Dr. Colbert will be inaugurated into the United States Presidential Office, as he is obviously the only person who has the balls to run a nation as wonderful, awesome and truthy as The United States. His campaign will have won him support. Stephen will be the first president ever to win through write-in ballots.

Awards

Peabody Award: "I proudly accept this award and begrudgingly forgive the Peabody Committee for taking three years to recognize greatness" - 4-2-2008.

Über-Balled hero awards (Übie): “To Our Über-Balled Hero: Because an army of devoted Fangirls is WAY better than an Emmy – 5 YRS 10-17-2010″[3]

The Colbert Nation Five Year of Excellence Award: "The first four years it was won by Jon Stewart. F*ck you, buddy." - 10-25-2010.

Musical Prowess

It is generally acknowledged that Stephen Colbert is one of the most influential pundit musicians of all time. He can play guitar very well, having served as the lead singer, songwriter, and guitarist for noted New Wave sensation Stephen and the Colberts, and his singing voice can charm angels down from Heaven with its sweet purity. He is also the greatest known bassoonist in the world and has regular bassoon-offs with Tad, the building manager for "The Colbert Report". Dr. Colbert is also a better pianist than Condoleezza Rice.

Colbert can also play the guitar part to Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" on the flute, which demonstrates exceptional skill.

Although he considers himself a pundit musician and singer foremost, Stephen Colbert is also widely regarded as the greatest newsman dancer - EVER! With grudging admiration (and alliteration), Dan Rather once called Stephen "the Baryshnikov of Braggadocio," while Papa Bear O'Reilly frequently refers to Stephen's "lithe, graceful, can I get a piece of that?" dancer's physique.

Stephen "Reign" Colbert is also an up-and-coming KoreanR&B sensation. His hit song He's Singin' In Korean shows just how much more talent he has compared to his un-American arch-nemesis, Rain.

Writerly

Smartest Man Alive Professor Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A., has no need to readbooks for facts, as he derives all truthiness from his own gut. Nonetheless, Dr. Colbert does occasionally deign to share his unimaginable wisdom in a book-like form, in order to more easily speak to the godlessliberals and communistacademician types who go for that kind of thing. Dr. Colbert has turned his authorial hand to several magnificent tomes, including

Parts of the Bible (God, reprint Gutenberg, Time Immemorial). Controversy continues as questions arise about the mysterious relationship between Stephen's writerness and this, the most holiest of bookests.

The Colbert Guide to the Restaurants of Fife, Washington first revealed on June 7, 2007, in progress.

In addition to the works of journalism above, Stephen has also written several books in the fiction and punditry genres, in order to create his own religion. For more on these, see Stephen's Written Word.

Jedi

Colbert is a true jedi. Fighting for truthiness and justice.

Stephen Colbert is also secretly a Jedi master of heroic tales. His prowess with the light-saber is quite remarkable as evidenced by this footage.
It is also a little known fact that he is responsible for the deaths of all Sith lords, as well as Osama Bin Laden.

He is also a practicing Roman Catholic, and a Sunday school teacher. Stephen is a Biblican and a Christard. Bill O'Reilly jokingly called for a boycott of The Colbert Report during an interview on The Daily Show, because he assumed that the name Colbert was French; this is believed to be a friendly inside joke, considering their obviously close relationship. Actually, O'Reilly and Colbert are frequently seen together sharing dinner and discussing hard-hitting issues like armageddon, the U.S.A.'s world dominance, and watching the Democrats shoot themselves in the foot.
Despite his Jesus-Loving ways, however, Stephen is probably part Jewish, as his genetics revealed. It is not confirmed, but 75% is a pretty good chance of Jewry.

Finances

His investments are so well diversified, he didn't even care when Alan Greenspan retired as Federal Reserve chairman. Even his money makes money.

Stephen Colbert has supernatural, omnipotent powers. He "called" five winners of the Oscars 2006, and predicted that Manilow would win the Emmy and not him. Stephen Colbert can see the future. He also used his omnipotent powers to predict and/or convince the African elephants to increase their population by threefold (this is actually true, you non-believers). If you can see the future, you are God. Therefore, Dr. Colbert is God. If he is not, he is the messiah, Muad-dib if you will.

Through the mighty prowess of God, Dr. Colbert has thankfully eluded these and all other curses.

Words Created by Stephen

Stephen knows the Wordinistas just make up words or take credit for words other people make up and then add them to a "dictionary". So he's begun to redefine English to be a language real Americans can be proud of:

The Truthiness Monkeys (Obedience, Ignorance and Fear) were 3 monkey brothers working on writing Dan Brown's book "The DaVinci Code" when, during a feces-throwing break, they realized the un-truthiness of writing a "fictional" book that used "facts" as its foundation.

For days the brothers flip-flopped between throwing feces at each other and being a part of Dan Brown's lie. Finally, after listening to Rush Limbaugh for 14 hours straight, "Fear" decided that enough was enough: the brothers would blow the whistle on Dan Brown and the other factonistas who controlled the "fact sweatshops" throughout the world.

"Ignorance" had no idea what "Fear" was talking about, but "Obedience" was more than happy to do what "Fear" told him to do.

And so the brothers were off.

At first it was a clandestine operation. The brothers moved from "fact sweatshop" to "fact sweatshop" secretly adding their own truth to every book they worked on, until every fiction book on The New York Times bestseller list contained something from the three brothers.

Because the brothers were monkeys and had no idea what they were typing (Ignorance's idea) they didn't know what to call what they were doing (and even if they did, they were monkeys and couldn't speak English).

But Stephen did.

And "truthiness" was born.

Stephen has since adopted monkeys to write his TV show and treats them the way Willy Wonka treats the Oompa Loompas.

Stephen Colbert is not the only true American Citizen who cares for America - just the Greatest Living American you can watch on TV. That is, if you're heroic enough to watch.

Stephen ColbertMeets the High Standards of The Truthiness Monkeys™,Obedience, Ignorance and Fear,Official Mascots of Wikiality.com

The Nation Salutes Our Troops. Our Troops Salutes The Nation

Stephen H. Colbert: Prince of Truthiness (and god of war during the weekends)

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet Stephen Colbert

~ The Holy Bible, Conservapedia

Stephen Colbert – Stephen Colbert is the second Messiah, the lord savior of our world. He is the original creator of the world, who breathed life to dust on earth to create humans. Stephen Colbert has three parts of personality, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost.[referrence from THE BIBLE] Stephen Colbert, or as people may know him by his other name, Yahweh or Jesus Christ, has come to earth again to save humans from suffering, whose glory cannot be questioned. Although Stephen Colbert is a vengeful god, he is also merciful. Pray for him, ask him for forgiveness, and you will get your eternal salvation.

Born Samson Colbert he was constantly teased for his great strength. On his recent trip to Iraq he had his long hair shaved off to resemble that of a soldier's. Ever since that trip many different people have been noticing a decrease of his strength.

On Colbert

The Colbert Report

The Colbert ReportThe only worthy TV program on earth, as all else is heresy. It is the only show that spreads the words of God Stephen Colbert, all glory unto him. Watching anythine else is like urinating on I Am America (And So Can You!) trom the top of a golden calf while coveting thy neighbor's ass. You will surely be condemned to an eternity of liberal pundits and socialist kenyans.

This show is the second Holy Bible, a show where God's word is recorded and remembered. It is a Holy Show

Stephen Colbert and The Hippie Years

Stephen "Hippie" Colbert (aka The Dark Years)

Before Stephen was a true patriot, we when to a phase we call the hippie years in which Real Americans face an identity struggle. During this period of time these young Americans will experiment and try the craziest of things just to see how it feels. This period also demonstrates that during their college years they will try to find who they are and what they want in life. Stephen was a hippie not by choice but he was deceived by the liberal institutions like Northwestern University.

College Buddies:

Colbert and roommates lived in a white duplex at the corner of Ridge and Foster, the dorm was nicknamed ‘Dis’, the hell where heretics burn in Dante’s Inferno. Clearly Stephen's roommates would held weekly Satanic rituals to pass the time.

Wikiality.com decided track down Stephen's hippie college buddies to see if any of them became more successful than him, apparently not [5].

Christopher Baker: Former roommate of Stephen. He is now the senior dramaturg, a sort of druglord, only instead he is peddling hippie gay dramas to turn our children gay to be hooked on theater, what a monster.

Jennifer Cohen Estlin: Loaned 20 bucks to Stephen so he could trek Europe at the time, he still hasnt paid her yet, but he promises that he will. After all these years he is still avoiding her, the interest rates on that loan would bankrupt him!

Alan Goldwasser: Some joo-hippie who spends his time on Amazon.com finding deals.

Eric Goodman: Stephen would bully ask Eric to take his tests for him. He is now a wizard working for Disney.

Ayun Halliday: Former College girlfriend, she is now a hippie wordonista book writer. She confesses that she still has the hots for Stephen. Sorry Ayun, it is too late now.

Anne Libera: She is a former roommate and she has a sister who is good at math (by this fact we suspect she is Asian and adopted), Colbert would sometimes use Anne's sister to help him solve math problems.

Kellie Overbey: Another female roommate (man, Stephen was surrounded by gals!), she is now some actor or something.

Aaron Posner: He dared to ask Stephen the Ten Forbidden Questions, ever since then he is prohibited from being 100 feet close to Stephen.

Mary Siewert Scruggs: A Fairy Godmother who once blackmailed Stephen Colbert into a fairy tale play.

NOTES

Will soon have a cult following lead by Rafael Robertson. We hold meetings every tuesday at the local Recreation Center. Doughnuts and cofee will be served. You must be a Stephen Worshiper to attend, if not you will die by the hands of God, who is one step higher on the deity ladder, of course.

NOTES2

is both right- and left-handed yet not ambidextrous

is the only guest to ever have his mic cut off other than hill-billy clinton.

He first tried to break into the news business by working with ABC News. The monsters, they did things to him...

After that failed gig Colbert tried to become a spokesman for FirsTier Bank in 2003, a very successful commercial bank where they were making a killing in the Real State market. Any bank who isn't involved in the housing market will regret it forever, after all the market predicts 2008 will be a great year for many investment banks. Of course, Colbert was told he wont be paid in cash, instead he would be paid in future stocks that will mature in 2008. With such a promising financial future, FirsTier Bank assets will multiply one hundred times over, when Colbert cashes in his bank stocks in 2010 he will be a wealthy man...

After his FirsTier Bank gig, Colbert was discovered by the good people that worked for Mr Goodwrench on their search and rescue of Mr Goodwrench. They believed Colbert's charm would help their ad campaign in the discovery of the location of Mr Goodwrench, he hasnt signed their paychecks for years. Alas, it didnt last for long, Mr Goodwrench mysteriously disappeared and was never found, coincidentally Stephen Colbert disappeared as well, and then reappeared at the Daily Show. Those were dark days for Stephen Colbert, John Stewart was a real monster.

↑Note: Internets version may or may not be written by Stephen Colbert, who may or may not be Stephen Colbert, and/or Stephen Colbert. Wikiality.com cannot vouch for the authorship of the work and/or Stephens, and/or lack of said authorship/Stephens at the Tek Jansen website. You should not, however, take this as a sign of distancing. Just the opposite. Wikiality.com does very little vouching. If any.