Life! Living with chronic pain.

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This will be short, and rambling I’m sure. All my “sleepy” meds are on board…have been for 2 hours now. Am I nestled into my kingsized memory foam bed dreaming of a day on a sunny beach lying in the sun? No…I’m up. Turned computer back on for blogging, again, the thinking being, lets get it out of the brain suitcase and on the puter for all to see.

I’m sooooooooooo tired as of late, I don’t think I classify as human at this point. I’m a science experiement that is being wasted…I’m sure much could be learned. I have gone by the books. Tv off, lights off, fan on….blinders on, lavendar spray on pillow, chammomile tea….quiet time an hour before wanting to sleep…no caffeine since early in the day. Following strict bed time routine. FAIL.

I have tried leaving tv on…cuz i love being lulled to sleep by the tv. I must have my fan on, thats non negotiable. I leave my fishtank on. I count sheeps, angels, I pray…endlessly I pray…I usually finally fall asleep in mid prayer, God gets sick of my going on and on and on and finally knocks me out…that’s generally how it happens…lol.

Which would be fine, if I then had a restful sleep for about 6 hours or more. But I wake up here and there. From like 5am to 9am. Then go back to bed about 9am and sleep til maybe noon. I don’t feel like I sleep at all. It’s all outta whack. I tried valerian root, all kinds of holistic things…some stuff seems like it helps…but doesn’t solve it.

My eyes ache constantly…like the flu. My mind is mush, can’t remember anything from day to day. I feel I’m turning into an imbecile. I have no energy to do anything either. My adhesions are cutting me in 2. My back is wrecked. My broken foot and ankle just isn’t healing and they said to be patient cuz bonebruising is the worst and takes the longest to heal…even longer than my fractures! WTF>????

There’s been flu thru the house, thru my sons house. Thru my grandparents and parents homes. I’m just so tired. Part of it is probably stress due to the massive amounts of stress I live under, with all my health issues and the massive medical bills that I wrack up monthly with that…it then makes me go on a guilt trip for causing the extra bills….sleep would help escape….for a bit…but I don’t even get to do that…its the opposite…I’m up constantly thinking about it all! All the worlds problems are in my puny mush brain…and they won’t let me sleep!

So lets all start a Prayer that Tammy gets restful sleep pray group……shall we? Lets see if the power of prayer can get me some decent z’s…..It would be much appreciated! xoxox

It’s been a long past couple of months. Pain levels spiraling out of control many days. Family problems suddenly coming out the wazoo. Stressing out because I feel I am not working enough to contribute to our finances because the pain keeps me from signing up for too many hours. I feel I’ve failed my family in many ways. And frankly they have failed me in some ways. That’s just life I guess. But family is all we have, so we try to work it out. But when you have a chronic illness, it’s hard to add all of that crap to your already piled up plate..

Will there ever be a day where I wake up and say “Wow! I feel pretty good today!” and hop out of bed and the sun is shining and my whole family is here, all healthy and happy and loving and honest and appreciative of each other? Where I can walk around the house without h0lding my butchered abdomen in my hands. Where I can bend over to pick up something off the floor? Where I can walk the 2 blocks to the grocery store to carry home a gallon of milk? Where my children look at me with the love and admiration they had when they were little? Where my grandmother is healthy and strong and planning on living another 10 years? Where my dog stops peeing in the house? lol…I just want some happiness. I want normalcy. I want this feeling of fatigue and failure to walk the hell out the door and never come back.

So many days I think I should just stay in bed and let life just go on without me. I evidently do no good when I’m up, so why keep participating in this rat race that is going nowhere? Why should I keep pushing myself? Why keep caring and worry about others when that care isn’t reciprocated? Why bother to do anything but take care of myself…and I can barely do that. I’m just this sick woman who has been living this illusion that me being around was helping others. That somehow they NEEDED me to be around. Now I know no one NEEDS me around. Maybe it’s good that no one needs me….but since my health disaster in 2005, me thinking that my family needed me was what saved me. It was what kept me fighting to live. It’s what forced me to keep going. Now what keeps me going? As a mom you get used to being needed and looked to for answers. Once they are gone…what are you to do? Especially when you are a sick person?

I spose it’s just another funk I’m in due to the increase in pain. And the realization that things are not always what you think they are. People won’t always stay the same or always be there for you. Sometimes you have to watch people go away. There are alot of cruel and crazy people in the world who can weasle their way into otherwise normal people and make THEM crazy as well. Crazy is contagious I think…

So here it is about 1am and I can’t sleep, although my eyes ache with fatigue. My hair is falling out again due to stress. My gutt is feeling like there are two swordsmen in there battling it out. Maybe I have caught one of the crazy bugs, who knows…but I’m feeling a bit lost here.

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to be made to live this way, to be discarded from the world…I just don’t know…but whatever it was I would like to say right now to the Universe I AM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! PLEASE EITHER MAKE MY LIFE TOLERABLE BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY….OR TAKE ME OUT OF THE GAME! I’M SICK OF THE BENCH.

So I haven’t blogged in awhile. A few reasons, was planning and having a blast for my daughters 16th birthday….got my first manicure/acrylic nails and am having a really hard time typing with them…and I am sick as hell. I am having bladder/kidney issues, not sure whats causing it…am on antibiotics…AGAIN…and am now having to catheterize myself three times per day and I HATE it. It hurts, and it’s inconvenient…and it’s not making my bladder or kidney pain go away yet…but it’s only been a little over week or so. I am so fatigued and my eyeballs ache like the flu…but it is not the flu. No fever though. Yet I do feel as if I am dieing a slow agonizing death.

I also set up my secondhand fish tank. It looks nice…after I had to buy all kinds of stuff for it! LOL….keeping fish is not a totally inexpensive hobby! But, now that it’s all set up, I am hoping I don’t have to spend alot more, other than the obvious stuff. My little Daisy loves to sit on my bed and stare at the fish..barks at them too…it is adorable. I just love the water sound and the graceful way the fish swim around…very calming.

So, I am hoping everyone out there in cyberspace will pray for my newest illness to back the hell off, cuz I am at the end of my rope here. I have fears that it may actually be a serious matter…but am praying not.

Thank you for reading!

Look at everything in life as if it’s the first or the last time you will see it.