tortures

family screaming voicesover thanksgivingand christmas tableaccusedthe mother's sins taken out on the son...the sontherelisteningcryingfor 13 years.

ugly doll.

kids were pulled away...maybe it's contagious.kids were slapped away for lookingat the slobberingdoll.

adults, keepingthe doll for awhile to give the poor woman a breaksayingover coffee, why does she keep him,no future,can never do anything...sure, he understands...but more the pity...understanding doom...look at him listening to us in the chair...4 years old and doomedto can not.

abandoned at 5...hospital,their excuse,a baby brother being born,then me with chickenpox...but i knew itwas because i shit too much,pissedtoo much...so i held it inuntil i couldn'tanymore...and then sat in it because i needed too many baths.sat in ituntil after college...it was the leasta burden such as icould do!

frames steel and leatherpinched,rub blisters, rub raw red sores from hips to ankles, framing imprisoning chaining this grossabnormal beastdown into the sacred appearance ofnormalcy,that abstract state. if the beast crossed his legs, the illusion would crack...so wedge a lead bar between these frustrated legsfor 26 years...never mindit pinches his balls. he will just watch tvall his life.

melying on a hard table, listening to the professionals discussing my doomed fate. meonly in underpants. they want alwaysto cut openmy body and brain.i knew kids who were twisted zombies after doctorscut them open. doctors want to give me drugs to stop my slobbering and to tranquilizemy bodyinto the american dream...or in the ballpark. they settledon daily physical torture.

dadmissed my ninth birthday party for a bender....babbling drunkenly laterabout how he loved me. teachers bribingone anotherabout who would get the freak.one quit. but the professionals decided the schools weren't equippedto handle such a creature. sentencedto isolationwith motherin the towers...with daily outingsto physical tortures.bent fingers, arms, legsso far into unnatural positionsthat it tookthree of them to do it, so far i screamed in pain,screamingi want to be normal. i lied,i never wanted that!one timei stuck my hand upinto their cunts.they rubbed iceall over my body, then brushed mehardwith a house paint brush. i awokewhen i was 13after an operationto pull my balls down, i awoketo hear one nurse saying to another,"why did they bother, no womanwould make lovewith him." momonce told me,"any girl who would want youmust be crazy." in the towers,i lost my hearing. the teenage "babysitter" blindfolded 14-year old meso i couldn't see herand two girlfriendsdance sexuallywith one another.

dad was pissed. he couldn't hit a crip. so every night at the dinertable he would scream at my brother,humiliated my brother, backhand slapped my brother, whipped my brotherwith a belt....and then exited to the local bar. i always cried.my high school teachermade me eat cloretsbecause my breatheand body odorstank bad.college wouldn't take mebecause my slobberingwould offend and distractother students.airlinesused this logicto not let me on their planes.

rubbing myselfinto climax in college,nothing came outlike before.orgasms weren't messy like before...before that bladder operation.curious,i went to the college nurse, who checked with the doctor who didn't see any reason to tell a 27-year old virginuglyrag doll about the side-effect of the operationof no-mess orgasm...after all, rag dolls don't have sex or kids...we don't want to have more rag dolls!my would-be mother-in-lawtold my would-be wife "marry somebody else...and adopt frank!"she said a lot more choice things...but time and space are limited. but she did bribeevery justice of the peace for miles aroundto not marry us.

if you don't shut-up, you spoiled brat...living with old drunk male nursewho kept rag dolls in their place by punching them out. lived with him for 6-months...until he pulled a loaded gun on me. then i screamed him to sleep.a knife at the crashpad...if i didn't stop laughing at him...i wasn't laughing.a paper dixie cup at the headshop...if i didn't start talking,he'd push it down my throat.never mind the hitman. never mind linda's mafia papa. and i'm sure i've forgotten a lot.my first french kiss was from a guywho then tried to rape meputting his penis in my mouth.i like french kissing.