Monday, December 30, 2013

So here we are saying good bye to 2013. I believe it was a better year than before, or that's what we like to believe year after year. But we do have something to be grateful for, and it's not the royal baby coming into this world. It's our families and friends, it's those who've been with us through the year, who called us when we needed them, who held our hand, who made us coffee, who said they loved us...

I'd like to end this year with some of my quotes. And in a New Year spirit, there will be 12 of them.

1) A secret to happiness is selective memory. Remembering only positive moments, and forgetting negative.

2) Standards are just someone's opinions powered by strong conviction.

3) Having big ideas for my future is what makes me feel young.

4) Sadness is happiness in a bad mood.

5) All feelings are beautiful, and deserve to be equally loved. Only then can we see lessons they hold for us.

6) I love to take care of myself. It makes me feel like a real man who found his perfect woman.

7) If a man wants to understand a woman, he should get a cat.

8) A woman is like a cat. Even if she plays hard to get it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be petted.

9) Again, a woman is like a cat. She'll come around after you stopped chasing her.

10) More annoying than a pregnant woman is probably a bride (sorry! and I do admit there are rare exceptions applying to both).

11) I think grudges are the worst feelings to hold inside. They are destructive to the soul, mind and body. They hold one captive from loving others and the world. They cloud mind and judgement. Lastly, being happy is virtually impossible if one has grudges.

12) I don't like excuses. I can't even swallow them, let alone digest.

Happy 2014 to All. Let's not hope, let's make 2014 better than 2013. Simply being nice to others will make a difference. Love to All!

Monday, December 2, 2013

As most of you know, I am a big fan of yoga. The benefits are endless, but when I come across a teacher who touches my soul the experience is priceless. I see it as a true blessing.

Exactly that happened last week. I wouldn't say he was the best teacher in the world, but wisdom coming from him made me look inside and think. He shared many wonderful thoughts, but one of them touched me the most. While in my down-facing dog, he dropped a wisdom bomb on me. Literally. It resonated with me right away, it was a light bulb moment. Not to keep you in suspense any longer (just testing your patience), here it is:

"How you do anything is how you do everything."

Sounds simple at first, but not quite. I expect to some it might not make sense at all. Yet some would want to disagree. But if you dare to see the depth of this saying, you'll be able to connect the dots.

Let me explain. The teacher was originally referring to a yoga practice. Specifically, to simple poses, basics so to speak. And what he meant was how you do any pose (small or big) is how you do all of them. If you give your best shot with a simple mountain pose you will strive to do the best you can with any challenging pose. He went further and transcended this wisdom from yoga mat to life.

Really if you think about it, if you approach any small task with passion and determination, you most likely strive for that same passion in other areas in your life. And vice versa. If you don't care, and just do a half-a**ed job in some areas, most likely it is how you approach other areas in your life. People who are known to do their best with anything do it with everything.

I know some might disagree, but those who always strive to be the best they can be, know what I am talking about. They also know when they are not giving their best selves, and deep down they know they are cheating themselves. I know it too well. Always been the one who strives to improve herself, I am painfully aware when I am faking it. The feeling is so destructive to the soul that giving your best self is the not just a solution but the only answer.

And how I do anything will ultimately lead to how I do everything (no matter what it is). That is why I wouldn't leave work at 5:57pm, why I wouldn't use excuses to call in sick, or work from home, why I wouldn't leave a yoga class during the final Shavasana pose, why I wouldn't promise unless I was 100% sure I'd keep it, why I wouldn't lie.And it's simple, because my attitude towards anything will determine my attitude towards everything. those 3 minutes won't give me anything but a pathetic excuse for my personal weakness. If I take the low road in one area, how can I expect to ride the high road in another? It's the standard you hold yourself to that determines how you approach anything and everything.

Friday, October 18, 2013

I know I am stating the obvious (the title) here, but you'll be surprised how often we forget this.Let me explain.How often we imagine in our minds what a man should do, say or think. We women forget that men don't think the way we do, they don't feel the way we do, and they certainly don't understand why we get upset because they didn't react the way we wanted them to. I am sure it goes the other way around too.But since I am a woman, it's easier for me to elaborate from a female's perspective.Here's a scenario. Let's say we want him to be more loving to us. But instead of just coming up to him and telling him directly into his face what we want, we start saying stupid things like "I don't feel like you're present", "I feel distance", etc. In the meantime, what we really mean is that we want more loving, what we really want is for him to say "Don't be silly, I love you so much. Come here". That's what we women would do/say, wouldn't we?

But men are not us. They take whatever we say literally. So instead of opening his arms and wrapping them around us, he starts thinking that she's not happy with him, even worse, he doesn't make her happy. And this is probably the most terrible thing he could feel in regard to a relationship since he takes it as a direct accusation of not being enough. If she is not happy with me, I need to go.

So you see, instead of getting what we truly wanted we got the absolute opposite. Very ironic to say the least, and could be fatally damaging.

By trial and error (and unnecessary tears) I learned to forgo my "female mind tricks", and just simply say what I want. And what a relief, who knew it would be so easy?If it's a good and loving relationship, a partner will respond and give, and give. He wants to make you happy, and if you tell him how, he'll do it.

Relationships are real, they need understanding. But it won't come from projecting your personal assumptions. We need to get out of our heads, and start seeing another as an individual with their personal thoughts and perceptions.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

So I've been thinking and wondering what direction should I take now that I am in a relationship with a man I love?The truth is I miss my blog, I miss writing about my thoughts, sharing my endeavors. What the hell, I miss talking about love and sex.And then I realized, I don't have to end my blog. In fact, I should come back, I need to come back. I feel it's even more of my duty now that I'm learning what love is.You see, searching for love doesn't really end once we fall in love. Quite the opposite, love keeps revealing itself more and more as we go along. Sometimes, we lose ourselves or let our egos take control, but if we run back to love and let it rule our lives, we realize that it's being discovered every day, it's being experienced every moment. Love in a way gets a life of its own.

Yes, that's what I am beginning to learn. In the last year or so, I made mistakes, I chickened out a few times. But I am glad I was smart enough (and lucky enough to have a patient lover) to always come back to love and let it take its course. It wasn't as easy for me as I expected, in fact, I realized, I didn't really know what love was till now. It's not what most of us think it is. It's not just chemistry and excitement. It's also about compassion, acceptance and giving. And I am only scratching the surface here.

So I've decided to start a new series about every day love. I'll write about my thoughts and experiences on what love is, what it takes to keep it alive, and how to surrender to it.

Mistakenly we believe that once we find love, there is nothing else we need to do. Somehow all our problems and issues will disappear, and we'll live in a perpetual bliss of romance.Let me tell you, we humans also have egos and minds that like to sabotage (screw up really) whenever we feel vulnerable or giving control away. And being in love is letting yourself being vulnerable, it's about giving up control to the relationship. For most of us, especially the strong-willed ones, giving up control is not the easiest thing. Some of us have lost trust after a few disappointments. Some of us closed off completely.

I've been a victim of my fears and doubts, I've let my ego mess with my life. But letting love in and surrendering to it in the end, was the best decision I made in my life.

I know most people will relate to what I am sharing here. And as I am learning myself how to love and to be loved, I want to share it with you. For believe me, there is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved. It opens our hearts, it tames our minds, and most importantly, it reveals our souls.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I know I've been avoiding my blog (and you) for months now. In few posts during that time, I'd drop a line promising to explain my disappearance in the near future. "Near future" is subjective but even I agree, in my case, it took a very long time.

The time has come, the secret is ready to be revealed.I've got a lover. Call it a partner, boy-friend, man. I personally prefer "lover" for obvious reasons:)If you recall this blog's main objective was to find love. I started it 2+ years ago as a single gal, getting over a painful break-up with my 2nd love. Instead of closing my heart and throwing a key into the ocean, I decided to open it and let it guide me to find love again.For 2 years, I shared with you my experiences, good or bad, mostly fun, sometimes even frisky... I dated, I ran away to Vegas, I tried many things, but mainly I was learning to be happy on my own.And I did. Just last summer (July 2012), I realized something (the most) important thing in life: Love is already there, inside your heart. No need to look for it, for it will be escaping you for as long as you do. It might be strong but it's unobtrusive, it wants you to find it for yourself. It's waiting patiently and quietly. And when you do, it will whisper from your heart, it will fill your soul with love so complete that you'll never have to look outside yourself anymore. It will be your light and guide.

So I finally came to that point in my life. I realized how loved I was, how complete I was. And it was then that I stopped looking for love from outside myself. Not long after, we met, then we fell in love, and then started a relationship.So you see, I couldn't be as devoted to my blog anymore, for the objective changed. In a way, mission was accomplished.I did miss my blog, for it'd become my child, the window to my soul. And I visited it now and then. But it felt different this time. I knew I had to take a new direction.Naturally, a new blog idea came along. This is coming soon.

But saying good bye turned out to be harder than I thought. We'd been together for 2 years after all.So I still want to come here, I want to write, but my posts will be different. I know I'll want to share new experiences, inspire others, and most importantly, connect with my soul.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

"Why don't people fly? Why can't we just get up and fly high above? I am thinking.. I want to get away from here, I want to fly high above. From everything that is here in this world. Why can't I fly like a butterfly from one flower to another. Never stay anywhere, but always going there. There. And why do we live? What is life at all? What are we doing here before we go to the other world?"

I wrote when I was 13. I didn't remember I wrote it. It was my mom who read it to me this morning from the diary I wrote long time ago. She said she was reading it all day, and besides some surprise and maybe even fascination with what she read, she also had a "light bulb" moment. Finally I started making sense to her. It's as if after all this years, she could finally see me.

I always knew I was different. But how did I know that I was SO different? If it took my mother this long to figure me out how long does it take others to "see" me? Most people never will. She said only now could she connect the dots and understand why I was the way I was, reading all those books when I was very young, making my own path in this world..

Am I alone? How do I relate to others who don't understand that we are only visiting here and our lives are not ours but our souls'? Have we forgotten who we are? I have forgotten myself from time to time. But I still chose to remember. I don't want to forget. I still want to know why we can't fly...

Friday, July 26, 2013

So this week I've been a little underwhelmed by us, humans that is.The whole world just stopped when Kate (yes, that's her name) had a baby to Prince William.People were crying, screaming, gushing, sighing, jumping, going out of their minds. And why?Really I kept asking myself why all this excitement? Many women have babies every single day. We are 7 billion and counting.. Why all this drama around this particular baby?

At some point, I even felt betrayed for all other women and babies in the world. Seriously WTF?

Then, I was thinking (as usual:), this basically shows how shallow our society really is. How can we be so taken by one woman who married one guy and had his baby, when half of the world is fighting for life? When some people lost their homes for good (Syria), some fighting for their right to live all their lives (Israel), some having no rights to decide even their own destiny (India, Arab world), some still being controlled and manipulated (Russia, China), some being fed food that kills them (USA, Argentina), some paying out-of-pocket hard-earned money for the ridiculously overpriced World Cup stadium and getting nothing in return (Brazil), some dying from malnourishment (Africa), etc..I could go on for hours, and list every single country in the world that has a pressing issue(s) that deserves our undivided attention, if not action. Not to mention what we do to our Mother Earth.

I know I tend to go way deep in my thinking. But seriously, is it how far we evolved as a human race, that the whole world had to stop just because some woman (who no one knew about a couple years ago) had a baby?Or is it just the US that peed in its pants from joy? Well, according to other many, many sources, Canada and Europe have lost it too...

Just in time, the Economist (my main source) released a fascinating article last week on Herd Mentality. As I was reading it, it all became to make more sense. So the article (the research conducted by scientists) proves once and for all that most people are conformist. As a human race, evolved into a society, we've embraced herd mentality more than any other quality. It proved that we go to a restaurant that has the most people in it (not necessarily the one that serves better quality food), we hire a person with more experience (as opposed to the one without but more talented). I went further still: we do what others do (not what our souls desire), we buy things that are in vogue (versus what speaks to us most), we desire people that are popular (not the ones who light our souls). Again I could go on for hours.

So my deepest intention for the people of this world: Think for yourself, make your own decisions, react to your own passions, be yourself. Stop following everyone else. And especially in the world we live in now (when media and broadcasting get more and more useless and plain dumb), select wisely what you're watching and believing. Choose your own sources, think your own thoughts. Set example for others to do the same.

Maybe then will we finally be able to accept our differences and let everyone strive in this world.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

If you recall, Sandy (the super storm that hit NY area back in November 2012) and I came close, almost dangerously close. It's all described in my posts about Sandy (read under the label Sandy).

Although I wrote a lot about this experience it was never quiet finalized. I just couldn't bring myself to give it a final word, to let this dream go. It became symbolic.Going back there, seeing the damage Sandy caused, packing my things in a cold dark apartment, crying my heart out, seeing how my visions about this place and my life by the beach were passing me by, like big white birds in the sky. I am not going to lie, I was devastated.

So as soon as I settled back in the city, I tried not to think much about it. I focused on the positive. How lucky I was to find a place I loved, the place that made me and Josephine feel like home. We (especially my J) were happy. But a ghost of a shattered dream would haunt me now and then. I knew I didn't let it go completely.

The truth is I didn't want to let it go. Dreams are like big loves to me, they are grand, they are deeply rooted. That's just the way I am.

Needless to say, I moved on with my life and almost never shared with anyone (almost anyone:) about my internal struggle of letting it go.

Living close to Columbia University (the first place I stayed at when coming to NYC in 2001) I certainly sensed a deja vu moment. After 12 years of living in the city, I was back to where it all began. The circle was complete. Though I was different, I was home now. This sense of belonging helped me let most of the Sandy experience go. Going to Long Beach this weekend, however, helped me let it go completely. For the first time, I didn't feel sorrow, I was able to see it once again as a cool place I go to on the weekends to get some sun and see the ocean.

I learned many lessons from Sandy, and shared them with you in other posts. So here is my last one: Sometimes dreams don't come true. But life goes on, and we will always be where we need to be even if we don't see it yet.

The most important moment was when I realized and accepted that it wasn't my time yet to part with New York. We had more things we needed to do, great things. And New York had never been so clear and open with me as this time. It took me back with open arms, and gave the best gift yet.

Friday, June 28, 2013

So it just happened that today I did some heavy thinking. Yes, it happens more than I'd like to admit, but let me get away with this one as a rare occurrence :) just for once please...Well, I was thinking what is the most important thing to me in this life? What is the only thing I'd need if the world turned upside down, and there was nothing else to hold on to? What would be the only thing without which life no longer made sense?And in my mind, the answer was so clear, so obvious.I just want to always stay true to myself. Yes, that simple.As I looked back at my life, I realized that the most important thing all my life was to be able to be authentic. It was only during those moments when I wasn't when I'd lose my way, I'd become doubtful, I'd make mistakes.

Then I was thinking whatever happened in my life as long as I was being true to myself, I'd always get through it. It'd all work out for the best, it'd all make sense in the end.And I don't mean just challenging times, although those require our authenticity the most. I also mean the best times, when we are happy and everything seems to be going our way. Cause even then, we know that it's all fleeting, and there are hard times lying ahead of us. Everything in life is really just a phase we are going through.

Life is not easy. Don't believe whoever says it is. But we can make it worthwhile, and the only way to do it is to stay true to ourselves. Just think about it, from day 1 on this Earth to the very last day, the only person who'll always be there for you is really You. People come and go, things happen, but you always stay. By being true to yourself you choose the highest road. You choose what's best for you, and ultimately best for those around. And the opposite, not being true to yourself, you let things happen to you, let others take control over your life. And life is nothing if it's not one's life.

I know it's some heavy thinking for a late Friday nite. But don't disregard it, cause this is probably the only most important thing we need to learn in this life.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Although I am generally happy with my personal development and the way it's going, there are still some areas where I have challenges. Not that I couldn't deal with them, I just never really wanted to or tried to. For some reason, I gave myself a slack on them. Kind of like using my "I'm a human, I make mistakes too" card.

And honestly, it seemed all normal to me to flip out or lose my cool over certain situations. They would pass, and I would be back to my "highly spiritual" self. So they didn't seem like a big deal, except for the annoyance they caused in my life.

So since I got back from Hawaii (where I was at complete bliss with myself) I had been doing great. But it was easy. Everything was going smoothly, I had no problems.However a couple of days ago, I was presented with one of those situations that would flip me out. Nothing serious, just inconvenience or annoyance with others (let's leave it at that).On autopilot I lost my cool. And you know what happens when you lose your cool? I think it goes the same way for everyone. Other things fall out of order, more irritating issues come up, and you get angrier and angrier, to the point you are ready for a week long yoga retreat...So for a day and a half, I was a madman (well a madwoman in this case, but who wants to associate madness with a woman?:).And then I started thinking crazy stuff about other things in my life, cause that's what happens when you're not at peace inside. And let me tell you, our minds will jump on it, and go on a wild ride that is very risky and hard to stop.I had to do something quickly. So yesterday after yoga, meditation, reflection, etc. I realized I didn't have to react to those irritating situations this way. Basically, I'd look at them from the outside, and keep my emotions completely at bay. Just observe them, if you will.As soon as I realized it, my mind stopped racing, my heart slowed down, and I was able to smile again. But it's not all, it gets better. Then I realized, I didn't actually do anything wrong, so there was no reason for me to be so hard on myself and go through unnecessary stress. I don't have to please everyone, especially because pleasing someone is usually driven by our ego. If we are true to ourselves and respectful of others, there should not be a situation where we need to go out of our way to please someone. It serves purpose to no one.

So happy to admit that this time, I finally got it. And what a relief, for those situations will present themselves now and then. It's life. But it takes a real character to remain calm and collected, and most importantly, stay true to yourself. Love to All!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

My trip to Hawaii was so amazing that one post about all lessons learned just wasn't enough... So here is part deux!

I've been back in NYC for about a week now, and even to my own surprise, haven't lost my vacay zen yet. Seriously! I haven't yet got mad at people who suddenly decide to stop on a busy Manhattan street, or those who move at a snail's pace and don't let you sprint at your normal new york speed, or the morning subway ride... Yes, I am very tolerant of "mere mortals" these days.

Based on what's been said, here is the 1st lesson:

1) Sometimes we just need to get away to find ourselves again.

What I realize every time I get out of NYC, is how misleading (if not deceiving) my "NYC persona" can be. Let me explain. Being a happy and trusting, and loving (blah, blah, blah) person at heart, I do tend to toughen up in New York. It's just the way you live/survive in the city. Yes, I can even be mean (believe me!) if I have to. Though let me assure you, never bitchy, not a drop!But inside I am sweet, super sweet, and with all honesty, hate being mean. So once I am out of the "concrete jungle", and don't have a need for survival, I let my true self be. It's really magic, takes about 3 days out of the city, and I am the happiest, lovable person you'll ever meet.Being in Hawaii, a place of lovers and friends, I was able to let my loving authentic self come out and shine! And God, how nice and easy it is.Once again, I realized how important it is to get out of the city just to let your most authentic self be.

2) Don't be afraid to travel alone. Be open, be yourself, and let events unfold naturally.

The 2nd part of my trip to Maui was solo. Never having traveled alone before, I was a little anxious in the beginning. Felt lonely and vulnerable the first night, even cried like a little child on her first day of school. After a long phone conversation with my man I was able to calm down and set my mind on making the best of it. In a matter of 24 hours, I met 2 most amazing ladies from Seattle with whom I connected on so many levels, and had the most amazing time for the following 3 days. If I hadn't been alone and open to meet new people, I would have never met them.

Traveling by yourself is exciting. That's when your true inner self feels free and safe to come out. On top of that, you learn more about yourself than in any other situation, you experience yourself on a whole new level. There is nothing like it, believe me.I was happy to learn that my true inner self attracts people that inspire me. In this case, strong loving women, who are true to themselves and lead fulfilling lives. Terri and Jen (the ladies I met) run marathons (yes, 26 miles and all), triathlons, travel around the world, have successful careers, have great friends, eat healthy diets, inspire others, and so much more.

I would advise anyone to experience traveling alone.

3) Being away will give you a clear perspective on where you're standing in your life.

The goal of this trip was to get away from it all and find inspiration. I started feeling unfulfilled and wanted to find some new directions on what to do. As if something was missing, and keeping me away from fulfilling my destiny.

Being away, I realized what a good place I am in my life right now. Even if it's not the most creative and fulfilling life just yet, I am on my way! But right now, I am blessed to have a loving circle of people in my life, parents, lover, friends, Josephine, colleagues. I am blessed to be independent and free to make my own choices. And blessings go on and on.So in the end, I was relieved to realize it's all good, life is good. Coming back to NYC was easy this time. I was happy and excited to come back to someone I deeply love.

As you see, it was one amazing trip for me. The trip that keeps on giving, and will stay with me for the rest of my life.I would encourage all of you to travel with an open mind and heart.

Monday, May 27, 2013

As some of you know I'm in Hawaii right now. That's right, finally I am taking my well-deserved, extremely needed vacation. I've been here for about a week, and have been able to relax but also learn many different lessons that I know will carry me through life going forward.

Today, I want to share some of the lessons I learned from surfing. Sadly, I didn't have a chance to surf a lot (next time for sure!). Still, the experience was so amazing that only few in life could be compared.

Lessons from surfing:

1) Don't let fear stop you, keep paddling.

First, I was a little scared. I don't believe whoever says it's the easiest thing in the world. It is not. It takes courage and faith. Courage to get in the cool deep water with waves. Faith in nature and the Universe to be cooperative.I had butterflies in my tummy, but I went in. Butterflies turned into a healthy adrenaline and I got excited.Same thing with life. We let fear stop us from living full, enriching life. And what for? Fear stops us from having the most amazing experiences in life.From now on, I'll do what I did with surfing: I'll go in the water despite any fear.

2) Catch a wave, take chances.

Catching a wave is the most challenging part, and not every one will come to fruition. But not catching it is not worth trying. Again, same thing in life, what is life if we don't take chances? Go for it, make your move!

3) You will fall. This is part of learning.

To surf is to learn how to fall. Let me add, how to Graciously fall. It's inevitable. But once you fall a few times, you look at it differently. You get comfortable falling. Then catching a wave is so much easier, for you know how to fall if you have to.In life, so what if we fail or don't succeed on a first or 2nd, or 3rd try? We are just building resistance, we are learning. It gets easier, as we get experienced.

4) Even if you fall, the board is there to get you up again.

As long as you're attached to the board, it's right there for you to climb on.In life, no matter how lost or desperate we might feel at some moments, there is always something that gives us support, that gives us strength. Always. Even if it's just faith. But we are never left alone.

5) You will succeed if you stand strong and find your balance.

Once you're riding a wave, you need to get up and find your balance.Couldn't be any more relevant to life. To have a fulfilling life we need to stand strong, we need to have balance.

And last but most fun:) Surfing is the closest thing to an orgasm. 'Nuff said!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Have some update I wanted to share (just in case you were wondering what the hell is going on with me again:)It's been busy, and busy! But tonite

i will kiss the city good bye and on to a tropical island till next weekend. I will surely write from there, as I see a lot of time availability. No seriously, it promises to be a nice and leisurely vacay. Exactly what my mind and body ordered!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I thought it was about time I unleashed my quote muse again. You know quotes are one of my favorite literary expressions, and naturally, I love to write my own. As always, they are simply my thoughts derived from personal experiences and observations. So take them lightly, just like everything else I write about. And most importantly, enjoy and think for yourself.

Here is about Love:

1) Love cannot be attained, it can only be experienced;

What I'm learning from my new love is that love is an every-day blessing. By no means, should we take it for granted. I feel grateful for having it today, yesterday, the day before yesterday, basically every day...Seeing love this way makes me focus on love itself and not my ego.

2) Only by letting ego go, can we truly love someone;

And I really mean it, getting all those "What about Me?" whims out of your mind and behaviour. Only then, can we truly see another for who they are (and not who we think they are). Then you know whether you love them or not. For the first time in my life, do I experience love that is outside of my perception but simply is. I sent my ego on a lifetime vacation :)

3) Loving oneself is enlightenment, loving another is divine.

4) Love is never the same; it changes as we do. Therefore, it is up to us to either help it grow or let it die.

Here is something for the world:

5) Most people don't change. That's why we need to start with children if we want to change the world.

6) We are a self-destroying society. Too bad very few see it, and those that do are being alienated if not chastised.

7) I don't understand how a human decided that he was in charge of the world. Nature is too kind to let us get away with all the harm we do. But I think its patience is running out...

And here is my kinky side:

8) Sex just might be the answer to the world's problems. I truly believe if more people had healthy, satisfying sex lives, there would be less war and violence.

9) The best lover is the one who has respect for all womankind. He understands the Female Power and its Divine nature. He knows that making love to a woman connects him to divinity and source of all.10) Female orgasm is like an ocean; sometimes it's waves, sometimes - swells. But it's never just a break.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

In this post, I would like to wish my blog a Happy Happy Birthday. It's 2 big years old!

Yes, exactly 2 years ago, I created NYL. It was the most exciting experience for me, and always felt very special. My blog has become a part of me, it's opened a window to my soul. I love you NYL.

If you recall, the purpose was to find true love in New York City. After somewhat disappointing experiences, I challenged myself to still believe...But as I embarked on my journey, it became so much more. I shared most of my experiences with you, happy moments, big disappointments, ups and downs. I shared it all with no reservation. I wanted all (esp. my fellow New Yorkers) to be inspired to look for their own answers, to embrace the city (good and bad), to not lose hope, and most importantly let love in whatever way possible.

And the most amazing thing happened just 9 months ago. Last summer (2012), I reached my destination. I found the most important love of all, and shared it with you (http://sashasaid-newyorklove.blogspot.com/2012/09/so-what.html).I realized that there is nowhere we need to look. It's already there, inside us. Love is inside all of us. We just need to see it, embrace it with all our hearts. Love is as deep as the ocean and it's inside you and me, and all of us. And that is the truth.I am sorry if it sounds too New Age-y for some. But believe me, if you just keep on believing and doing your best, you'll find it one day as well. Trust me ;) For now, just know that it starts with You, Wonderful You!

So I found it. Not that I didn't know about it or didn't love myself, but it was only last summer that I finally got it. I realized, no matter where I am, who I am with, I always have my love for myself. This love is never changing, always there. It's more than enough, in fact, it's so huge you won't need to look for more. Quite the opposite, you'll want to share, give it to others.

Since then, whatever took place in my life was life. And I was living through all experiences in love I found within.

Just to sum it up, the following things happened:

1) Stopped looking for answers outside of myself. Now I look inside - it's all there. I listen to my soul, my inner voice that knows what's best for me.

2) Changed my living situation. I moved out from my roommate, and found a place for myself (and my Josephine) once again. And it never felt more like home!

3) Started listening to my body, and there was a lot it had to say. It resulted in mine cutting down on foods that didn't give me life, didn't give me energy. I'll write a separate post about it next. But watch out raw vegans, I am joining your club, at least half of the time :)

4) Canceled my gym membership to break the routine. I bought a bicycle, and started doing Kundalini Yoga. My mind, body and soul have never been this happy and alive!

5) Surrounded myself with happy and positive people.

6) and Many many other amazing things that made me move closer to my most authentic happy self.

And while I was going through all those changes, another most amazing thing happened. Love found me. Unexpectedly, quietly, and assuringly. I fell in love with the most amazing man I ever met. Will write about this in another post, for it surely needs to be a subject of its own :)

But for now, just believe me that once you embrace the love inside you, the most amazing love of another will join shortly. And if it can happen in NY it can happen anywhere....

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

So here I am, down to my last challenge in uprooting any emotional blocks and leaving them behind me.The last man addressed was the one I loved with all of my heart, body and soul. I didn't love him with my mind, and in the end it was my mind that took victory.I wrote about this relationship earlier http://sashasaid-newyorklove.blogspot.com/2011/06/crazy-in-love-ii.html.But to give you an idea, it was the most difficult relationship I ever had. He was my soulmate. I know, you'll say How could it be if he was your soulmate? Isn't it what we all look for when it comes to love?

Yes and No. Back then, I also believed that once I'd meet my soulmate I'd be happy and complete. Nothing would matter, I'd be living my dream. Meeting my soulmate WAS my dream.

Well, as I learned later, meeting one's soulmate doesn't mean any of this. It could, but not necessarily. For the most part, it simply means meeting your soulmate, and dealing with all the past and many karmic connections that took place in previous lives.Soulmates are deep rooted, from other and many past lives, and unfortunately, have a lot of issues carried over from a lifetime to a lifetime. And it doesn't come with a guarantee of "Love forever" or "Beautiful Love".

Simply put, it's not easy, it's not lifting as we think love would make us feel. It's more about resolving and fixing. I am not saying it's the case with all soulmate relationships, but that was the case with mine. From day 1, it was a battle, it was a survival. I knew I loved him, and he loved me. But being together was too much to handle for either. We couldn't be happy. It was so complicated that it will take me a lifetime to figure out. For now, I'll just tell you that it was meaningful and important, and unavoidable. But it was also destructive and painful. It had to end. And it did.

So 2 years ago, I finally left him after x-times of break-ups. It was hard, if not impossible. I ran. I left my stuff at his place, I changed my number, I started dating someone right away, and pushed "us" as deep as I could. That was the only way I could finally remove myself from this relationship.

Though I managed to move on 2 years ago, the way I handled it was disconcerting, and bothered me the whole time. I wrote a letter ( 3!) to him that I never sent. They had it all: how much I loved him, how he was my soulmate, how sorry I was that I couldn't fight for our love anymore, and how impossible it was for us to be together. I never sent it to him, that is until my quest "Answering Unanswered".Maybe one of the reasons I even started this quest because I finally was able to face "this" relationship and ready to leave it behind me. I had to. I wanted to. I was ready.

I wanted to send those letters to him, to finally have a deserving ending. and I did. He never responded.

Was I surprised? No. I didn't think he would. But I know he read them, and perhaps they made sense to him.As for me, I was finally able to make peace with it, and move on.More importantly, I was ready to start a new chapter or even a new book in my life, where I'd open my heart, body, soul AND mind to a New Love.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

This time I went deeper, straight to my heart. It was someone who made a difference in my life. Someone who effected it in the most profound way.

Well lovers, something I never shared with you is that some time ago which seems like eternity now, I was in a long-term, committed relationship. We weren't married but it was more than that.

Seriously. We met when I was 20 and as naive as one can be. He was 13 years senior, experienced and smart. He was tough, and even senseless to those who didn't matter.And it was one of those fateful meetings we had, when you just know it holds the future...

He saw me the minute he noticed me. You know what I mean, the moment he laid his eyes on me for the first time, he could see my soul. And he fell in love with it. For the next 4+ years he was my world and I was his flower. I was the flower he tended to, he was my soil and gardener. He taught me everything he knew, which was plenty, but even more so priceless. He was the one who taught me how to be strong, how to be tough, how to be self-sufficient.

I was growing, and as I thought absolutely happy. We called our relationship a partnership, and partners we were. Though in reality, he was a partner, I was his associate. We did well. But romance (and sex), though present in the beginning, was completely replaced with our "partnership" responsibilities.

So understand, there was nothing I could say about him that would be any close to explaining the role this man played in my life. Nor would I want to. But my quest for resolving the past and leaving it behind me brought me here.

Anyway, 7 years ago, I left him. It was my choice. And it was the most difficult decision I ever had to make. Leaving him, I knew my life would never be the same. There would be a hard road ahead, a lone road. But I had to do it. I wanted to. Of course, I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. But I needed to break away from the protected world he created for me, for us. I needed to learn how to make it on my own. I wanted to stand on my own, depend on no one but myself. I was thirsty for an absolute freedom and independence. He fought for me for 6 months, he even proposed to me. But my mind was made up. In the end, he accepted it, and let me go.

Since then, It was a hard road all along, but I never regretted leaving him. I always knew our relationship was not the one I wanted to have with a man I'd marry. There was too much mentoring, and not enough of sharing, and definitely not enough of romancing. I wanted my partner to be my lover more than my mentor. But that connection stayed with me the whole time. There was no one like him who could see me so well and be so involved in my dreams and my ambitions.

He didn't want to stay friends, and eventually we lost touch. But last Fall, he emailed me. It was a nice email, not suggestive of anything. Just something he wanted me to know. And I thought perhaps he was finally open to my idea to being friends, or at least being in each other's life. So I asked him if he'd like to meet. He said Yes.2 weeks later (which was 2 months ago), we met. 7 years since we saw each other, or even spoke. I was nervous more than excited. I wanted to tell him how I'd done, how I'd become all he wanted me to be! I was strong and independent, I'd made it on my own. I wanted to make him proud.

As it turned out, he had different expectations. He thought I was ready to come back. Yes, to come back to him after 7 years apart. He said he was waiting for that day, and there was nothing he would love more. I cried. That wasn't my intention. I had to go. Again.He said he'd always be there, any day, any time, whenever I'd want to.

It was the hardest moment I'd had since the time I left him. But there was nothing I could do. I don't have the love he has for me, even though he holds a special place in my heart. And I am not 20 anymore. Now I know who I am and what I want. And it's a strong independent woman who wants an equal partner, who is not a mentor, but a lover and a friend. Someone I could love as much as he loves me.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

It's been awhile since I wrote on the favorite subject, although my sex life has never been better. In fact, these days I am having the best orgasms of my life. Hallelujah.

Anyway, today during meditation my subconscious responded in a clear way on how I reached the peak of my sexual experience. I found a formula for the best orgasms a woman could experience. Listen up, ladies. In fact, guys, listen up too. Both parties might benefit from it.

Again, I don't mean to imply that my formula will work for everyone but I do feel confident it might be helpful to most sexually curious:) At least it will bring some interest to the subject of sex once again, and for its right reasons. For believe me, very few things in life are as good as good sex life. An orgasm is the sweetest thing, and it's completely calorie free. No desert in the world could compare. Those who experience them, know what I am talking about. And those who don't, please don't waste a minute any longer. Drop everything and get on a journey of finding the Big O.

So the formula that works for me consists of 3 variables that need not to be in any particular order but all need to be present and be in sync. When present and in balance, those 3 variables will give a woman the best Big O she could hope for. And I mean Big O: multiple, completely unbridled, out of this world orgasm. Here it is:

1) Self-awareness of your own body: you need to know what makes you tick. It starts within yourself and exploring your own body. Play with it, love it, make love to it, let it love you back. You need to learn how to give yourself the best orgasms first.2) Chemistry: pretty self-explanatory. You need to have chemistry with your lover.3) Non-selfish partner: also supposed to be self-explanatory, but Oh well... Basically a not selfish lover is the one who makes sure that you come first, and keep on coming:) He knows that your orgasms are like the ocean and is not afraid do dive in and take you on a ride. He takes pleasure in seeing you getting turned on and wild, losing your control and surrendering to the sweetest thing. He takes time.

It works, take my word for it. I hope this will inspire you to try and perhaps find your own formula. And if you do, please share! The world will thank you for that.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

If you recall, in my prior post, I dared myself to reach out to the men who stayed unresolved mysteries to me. The ones who touched me in a serious way, yet left me questioning why didn't it lead to more??

First 2 men I am going to write about here, weren't my boy-friends or even the men I dated. They were mere stars that fleetingly crossed my horizon, but the light was so bright the memory of it was shining for months to come.

One of them made me feel like home the moment I met him. He felt familiar. There was something about him that made me forget about the world and be taken to that place I would call my dream. I wanted to look into his eyes, kiss his lips, be in his presence. We went all the way to LV for our first date after meeting. It was the best time I had in a long time, it was too good to be true. He made me feel special, I was happy. Though the whole time, I felt that any moment I'd wake up and it would all end, it wasn't real. It was just a dream.

Indeed, the LV escape ended and we both came back to reality. 2 more dates in NYC, and that was it. He didn't pursue me, I didn't insist. I knew he wasn't in the same place I was. There was no place for me in his life. Other things I felt that made me realize it wasn't going to happen.In my usual way, I let it go and moved on. But the connection was so strong, I was crashed for weeks, I cried.... I was vulnerable. And yet I was strong.2 years later I emailed him. Although I already knew why it didn't happen I needed to hear it from him. And I did. Of course, I knew he would respond. I expected no less from him. His response was simple and truthful. It confirmed what I thought. I was happy to know that I was right to hold him to the high standard. I was sad to learn that he still wasn't in a happy and open state.

The other man was different. There was nothing sad and longing about him. He was pure joy! Again, I felt free and open with him the moment we met. It's like it was just 2 of us and the rest of the world was somewhere else. The chemistry (both physical and intellectual) was overpowering, and we didn't try to fight it. The problem? Yes there was one. He was from Santa Monica, I was(am) from New York. There was the whole country between us. And you know how it usually happens in situations like this, he called - I didn't answer, I called - he didn't answer. We got lost in distance and time.

6 months later I emailed him. His response was pure joy again. It made me smile. It was as endearing as the time we spent together. He thought I was out of his league (how sweet:), and he was just one of the many guys I was playing with. Of course, none of it was true. You guys know me:) I am dorky, but for some reason men think of me as a player. Happened many times. I learned to ignore it. Anyway, my West Coast friend and I laughed it off, and closed our chapter on a happy note! What more could I ask for?

Conclusion: don't be afraid to search for the truth. It could be sad and unsatisfying still. It could be fun and pure joy all the way. But either way, it will help make peace with the unanswered and move on to a better and happier place inside and out. Take that chance!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

There will always be questions in life that we simply won't find answers for. And usually, it's fine (if not best) to make peace with it. But personally, I prefer to at least take a shot and see what I can find. I need to know. Even if it's just that I will never know.

Last month, I realized that there were still some unanswered questions that I never took a shot at. It'd been some busy time :) But seriously, they were holding me back in some way or another. I knew if I was on track about being as authentic as I could be and be in a complete alignment with my inner self, I needed to address them.

This time, I am looking personally, all the way into my heart.How about those guys that were so promising in the beginning but got away? You know the type. They are interested right away, they go out of their way to win you over, and they do a good job at it. Then, while you're catching your breath, they are gone...How about the one who you left and didn't have that last word with? No closure, nothing. Didn't even get your belongings back? It was so heartbreaking you couldn't even say good bye, knowing that one day there will be an encounter, there will be a conclusion...Finally how about the one you loved dearly but not the way a woman could (or should)? You are the love of his life but there is nothing you could do to return that kind of love? You spent many years together, sometimes even believing that it would be for the rest of your life, then one day you walk away. You go but you want to stay. You stay but you want to go. It's like you never really left...

Yes, you guessed it right, those were relationships in my life that I couldn't find the answers for? It's hard enough to forget and move on, so getting down to the root of it is like rubbing salt in the wound. The experiences were so disappointing I didn't want to keep them in my memory let alone ponder over them, and definitely, not talking about them with the ones who caused them.

But I am not of the faint-hearted, I am looking for the truth. So I emailed all of those men asking for the unanswered.There were 4 of them. 2 of those who somehow disappeared despite of tremendous interest they showed initially. They won my attention, then they left me stunned. The one who I loved but had to run away from without even packing my stuff. Someone it took me 2 years to finally let go. And then there is the one who loved me dearly, loved me more than the world, gave me everything he could. The one I left.

I emailed them with my question. So what was it that didn't let us work? or something along those lines.

In the following posts, I'll cover them separately. Stay tuned. What I found was very surprising if not unexpected. But all good, believe me all good.

Monday, February 18, 2013

So, one of my New Year's resolutions was to start meditating again. I used to do it regularly a few years ago, but then somehow fell off the wagon. All I remember that meditation did good for me. I was more connected with myself, and more at peace with anything that happened. But life happened and I got carried away.

Anyway, today was the first time I meditated since then. The result? Already during my meditation, I made a promise to myself: whatever is happening in my life, no matter how busy I get, I'll do it daily. It's that good. Somehow once you sit down, close your eyes, and tune in inside, you find utter peace, utter bliss. It's like a whole new world right there inside you, filled with peace and love. It's all accepting and loving. You feel happy. I do :)

Another great experience happened today that I wanted to share with you. I was sitting with my back to the window, the sun washing over me. As I was basking there, I started rotating my head in circles, and the most exciting revelation happened. As I was moving my head first 90 degrees, even with my eyes closed I would feel that it was dark (turned away from the sun), and then when I would move the other 90 degrees (towards the sun), I would see the light. Just with one head circle (180 degrees) I would see the dark and the light, and that would complete the cycle, only to repeat again.What was assuring that after the dark there would be the light, and what was certain that after the light there would be the dark again, and so on and so on. So as I was moving thru this experience with the light, I realized that it's exactly how our life goes: light then dark, dark then light. Life is but a cycle of light and dark. It's a contrast. If there was never light, we'd never know what the dark is and hence wouldn't be able to define the light? And vice versa. I know it's confusing. Simply said, if one didn't exist we wouldn't know about the existence of either as there would be no contrast to perceive it.

So where does it leave us? We should embrace the light and the dark, and be grateful for both as that's how we experience life. As well as have faith that after the dark there will be the light again. And not get carried away with the light, for there will come the dark :) I know it's not the most cheerful and easy concept to accept. But once you do, you find balance during any experience that is happening in your life, and that brings eternal peace.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Those who know me well, are aware how much I dislike the winter and cold weather. It takes a lot of effort to find beauty and inspiration during those short-day freezing months. I am always on a verge of packing my bags and moving some place South. Sorry NY, no offense, but you're unbearable during the winter.However today, I was completely blown away by the video my friend sent me. It takes place in Montreal, CA with the most fascinating and talented snowboarder Seb Toots (Sebastien Toutant) taking down the snowy mountain right there in the city. Simply unbelievable. Speaking of inspiration... see for yourself.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

If you are similar to me than you understand that I won't sit still until I feel my best. My last post was pretty depressing to say the least (though inspiring). and that's ok, especially considering that it happens once in a "blue" moon in my life (ladies know those days:). But I won't be rested until I am back to my perky, giggly self. I love myself happy, and that's the way I want to be!

So I do anything and everything to sustain myself at that. It did take me some effort since Sunday, but I am where I want to be right now. Never mind that I almost had a verbal fight with a stranger at a drug store this evening over which line we were waiting on. I knew it wasn't me!! I had to find me asap. And so I did tonight. I am glad to report that a couple of gloomy days are finally behind me. I am back to being myself! I am back to being positive.

And of course, I had to share this with you. Simply because I want to inspire you to have the same determination on getting yourself back to a positive and enthusiastic state of mind. This is your sole responsibility. NO one else's. Yes, it's just you who can make you happy.So please work on your own ways and methods to keep/stay positive. It's your best shot at life. And that I know for sure.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Last night I was feeling a little blue, restless if you will. You know those days, when you're not easily excited, and the world seems a little darker than usual? And you start questioning the reason and purpose of our mere existence?And it's not necessarily that there is something wrong or right with us. It's really just a state of a busy mind, of a curious mind looking for answers.For me it's my usual eternal void. My constant search for source and meaning of it all, unsatisfied pursuit of our life purpose. Why are we here? What is it that we have (or not) to do? And how do we measure? And how do we know what's real and what's not? Will we ever find the answers? Will we ever know the truth?

Yes, some heavy thinking for Sunday :) But hey, it's important to think. It's good to ask. Even if we never find the answers. Even when we feel like we're getting close only to realize later that we'd never been further...

But certain things in this world bring me back (at least for awhile), and make me smile and, most importantly, make me believe again. Believe that love is all that matters, and if we just let it be, we'll see beauty everywhere.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The month I was displaced wasn't the hardest month in my life. It was the most challenging.

The person I am, I like my space, I love my space! That was the reason I wanted to move to Long Beach in the first place. I needed more space. I wanted to get away from the city and its consuming noise. I was looking for an escape.

Imagine when you're looking forward to something really bad, counting days knowing that it's all set and waiting for you. And then you get it, but you only get it for a moment. The next thing you know, you're not only back to where you were but worse...

That's exactly what happened to me. I moved to a beautiful place by the beach, with lovely neighbors and friendly community. It felt unreal, it felt heavenly. I wasn't just happy, I felt like I was living my dream, I was writing my own book.Listen, all my life I dreamed to live by the beach, nothing brought me to God closer than the water, and the Atlantic Ocean outside my windows was as close to Heaven as I could get.I know it sounds a bit dramatic. But it is. It was.

So I move there, after 3 long months of anticipation. I don't care about the storm warning, I don't care about anything. What bad could happen if I am finally going to live my dream?

And then, 2 days later, my dream escapes me. I find myself in a dark cold place with no connection to the world, and a feeling of harsh awakening. It wasn't meant to be. I wasn't supposed to have my heaven yet. I am not done with the world. I have work to do.

The city simply didn't let me go. I am too young, I am too driven, I am too ambitious to escape the world and live my own heavenly secluded existence.

Instead I am thrown back to what I was running away from - life, people, action. And there was never as much of each as in a month to come. Every day was a survival, a new strategy, a new action. I was never alone, even for a second. That was the biggest challenge indeed. I learned how to live with others. Though I lived with a couple of boy-friends before, that was different. This time, it was vulnerable, even exposing. Despite the fact that it was uncomfortable for the most part, I learned how to get by depending on others. Something I always had a problem with. Never depended on anyone really, that was a new and profound experience.

I am not going to say Yes, that was amazing, I want to do it again :) No, I am still as independent as I was. But I am very happy I had an opportunity to learn how to accept help.Lesson # 4: Accepting help from others is necessary at times. That will teach us how to help others.

It wasn't just help from friends I stayed with, it was help from friends who took care of my kitty, friends who drove me to Long Beach and back to get stuff, friends who offered storage for my things. Special thanks to all is at the end of this post.

Back to facts. As stated in my previous post about Sandy, the apartment I moved in on Long Beach would take months to fix. I wasn't sure what to do. Look for a new place, sublet something temporarily and wait till my place on LB is fixed? How long would I have to wait? Many Many questions to ask and answer. I was so lost, I wasn't even thinking for the most part. I was just taking steps, one at a time. And one small step along the way eventually brought me to my new place, my new home:)

After a month of confusion and chaos (domestically at least, never spiritually:) I was back in the city permanently. I can't say I found my new home. It was more that it found me. And now I am residing in the area that means NYC to me more than any other. Because this neighborhood was my first home not only in NYC but in the States. I am back to where I came first: near Columbia University. And it never felt more like home:)

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

--T.S. Eliot,American-British writer

In the spirit of a New Year, would love to send you my blessings and warm wishes.

I am still settling after Sandy, therefore haven't been up to date with my blog. But hang in there, I'm still here and soon you'll be hearing a lot from me. So enjoy the silence :)

For now, want to wish you all a happy 2013. Let it be the year you leave old beliefs behind, and find your new boundaries as you keep growing and evolving.

Live one day at a time, and do the best you can so if it were your last day to live, there would be no regrets but contentment that you've lived your life to the fullest. Love yourself and spread it around.