One Sentence, Two Prisoners

I’m not finding it as enjoyable as I was expecting after all the hoopla I’ve heard from other people, but it’s not bad.

Piper’s annoying, I’m in love with Nicky, blah blah blah.

But something about the show really bugs me. They make Larry seem like the bad guy for being affected by his fiance’s incarceration.

Let me just say this right now — being the loved one of someone in prison is often like being in prison yourself. And it’s perfectly fine to feel that way.

I’ll admit I’ve only watched most of the first season, so maybe they address this. Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. Maybe Piper is going to be the bitch for acting all woe-is-me on Larry’s ass. But maybe not, so I’m writing this anyway.

Your loved one is all alone, but so are you. In my case I had Nate and Jack and Luke and my son, and no one else. Luke wasn’t doing well and then disappeared for a while, so I was down to three. My son is still a toddler and was only an infant when Nate was arrested, so while it’s him and me against the world, he doesn’t count as adult contact. Down to two. Jack’s always been here, but we were/are going through some really rough times.

That leaves Nate. Nate is my rock. And my rock was torn away from me the day before Christmas, with no warning whatsoever.

He didn’t get to say goodbye to me. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. He was sitting in psych in a straightjacket for the first week. I was crying and calling and writing and crying and taking care of our child and his children.

It was hard — for both of us. It was hard in different ways, but it was still hard.

* * * * *

Nate got in an argument with someone once. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to control himself, or the other inmate would go after him. He was afraid for his life, his sanity, his control. He had to deal with the very real threat of killing or being killed. That shit’s terrifying.

I had to hear all about it (I wanted to hear all about it) and worry for his life as well. No, I didn’t have to watch my back 24/7, but I did have to fret over whether my child would ever know his father — if the love of my life would ever return to me, if I would even be informed if something happened.

Simply because they face the actual threat of death doesn’t mean our fear of their death is any less valid.

* * * * *

Nate only gets to call during certain times and has so long on the phone. Which means he has a small window in which to contact me.

For him, that’s hard. He can’t call when something’s bothering him or he wants to talk. He has to hope I’m home and that I’ll answer. Our calls are recorded so he can’t always say exactly what he wants to. It must suck.

I can’t call him at all. I have to sit at home and wait, and if by chance I miss the call I feel like shit because it’s my fault.

But it’s not my fault. He’s in there, trying to survive, and I’m out here trying to survive.

* * * * *

Nate doesn’t know his son. I mean, yes, they talk on the phone and we manage to visit him on occasion, but he’s living his life without watching his children grow up, and without knowing the perfect child Holden is turning into. I couldn’t imagine living my life without my child.

And I don’t have the father of my child. I have to explain to Holden what a father is and who his father is and where he is. I have to deal with the good times knowing that Nate is missing them, and the bad times without him by my side. I mourn for him as much as he mourns for himself.

* * * * *

Loving someone in prison is a sentence for all people involved. It’s not easy just because we’re “free”. Some could argue that we’re not. I often think I’d rather be in there with him than out here without him. I am living my life based on the fact that my other half is gone, and will be for a long, long time. I’m not getting the most out of my life because I’m living it around him.

Prison is fucking hard, even when you’re not the one there.

* * * * *

At some point towards the end of season one, Red said, “My life . . . is a burden to those I love.”

Damn straight. Yes, prisoners’ lives are burdens to those they love. A burden that we will faithfully bear, right by their side. But that doesn’t mean we always have to be happy about it. We deserve to feel pain just as much as they do.

Tomorrow is Nate’s birthday. He has to spend it without his family, and I feel for him. But my son doesn’t even know it’s his father’s birthday. It’s hard on all of us.

* * * * *

But I love him, and I knew what I signed up for when I decided to stay with him. And I wouldn’t take it back if given the chance. A day knowing he’s mine, even if he’s not within reach, is better than a day without him in my life.

* * * * *

This post was

Do you watch Orange is the New Black? What do you think about it? Do you think Larry or Piper is more in the wrong? Do you know anyone in prison (or jail)? How do you handle it? Let me know!

1. I’m very sorry. I had a loved one in prison, tho I didn’t know… Long story.
2. Your feelings are common, and completely understandable
3. Keep watching the show. Piper made a mistake, and Larry is trying to cope. I saw that at the point your at in watching, but it will evolve to become more clear
4. Big hugs kid!

This was extremely moving. I don’t know anyone in prison, and I have no clue what you’re going through. However, you showed that prison sentences don’t just affect the person who is going to prison. I don’t think people realize this.

As for Orange is the New Black, I don’t watch it. I watched the first episode and just couldn’t get into it.

I admire how strong you are for your family and for yourself. Thank you for posting this!

Most people don’t realize. I had to stop reading the comments on the article about his crime online because almost everyone was talking horribly about US — his family and his children. There is more than one victim in every crime.

I’m into it, but not as into it as I want to be. Piper’s just so annoying.

Larry was portrayed a little differently in the book (or at least my interpretation was different). I haven’t seen the show, but read the book. You might like it. Piper’s a good writer and her style is accessible, so it’s a quick read. While it’s mostly her memoir, she also raises some interesting points about the prison system, prison conditions, certain types of offences and sentencing. Whether the reader agrees or disagrees, they’re important issues worthy of discussion. The best thing about the book is that it’s drawn attention and brought these issues into the mainstream. Great post, by the way :)

Yeah, I just found out it’s a book and can’t wait to get my hands on it. It’s hard for me to empathize with either of them because Nate is doing SO much more time, but it’s easier for me to understand Larry because I’m in the same situation. Maybe if I were the one in prison I would understand Piper better.

Absolutely. Piper’s fellow inmates make the point that her experience is different because of her relatively short sentence and, of course, her background. They also explain to her what Larry’s experience is like.

I found the book at the library and was curious because I’d heard about the popularity of the show. Now I’m curious how faithful the show is to the book!

The legal system…that commentary in the book might be interesting or annoying :)

Um wow! I can see why this was featured on freshly pressed! You nailed it and maybe did not even realize it! I loved a lot of specific aspects about this, particularly your use of numbers (down to two etc;). I also loved how you said it was a sentence for all involved. You make it seem as if, you too are in a prison of some sort, which I can imagine is how a lot of people feel. You combined your humor with passion and raw emotion…I loved it. My favorite post of yours by far!

No, I think you ended it at the right time. Some people write way too much and overdo the topic. It was short/sweet but somehow left a much longer resonance. Great work…really! I cannot imagine how tough it must be for you. I know you “virtually” so it is hard to imagine the situation being real, but it is, and people are going through it…you are going through it. I cannot even imagine.

That’s one of the reasons I wanted to write this (and specifically now because Orange is the New Black is so popular so people are paying attention to prison more) — there’s not just one victim for every crime, and we’re not all bad people just because someone we love is in jail. I think it’s important people come to understand that. On the main article about his arrest, people were commenting about how his KIDS were going to grow up to be scumbags. It’s a mess.

Wow that does sounds like a mess. I have a young relative that claims these kids (other relatives of ours) are “ruined’ just because their parents had some crime and mental-related issues. I felt disgusted that she could call anyone ruined. It really hit home. I’ll admit that kids can face adversity and not be able to get past it, but gosh people can be so fucking judgmental

Supposedly (I learned this from Sesame Street, haha) 1 in 30 kids has a parent in jail. It’s something that needs to be talked about — of course it will affect them but no one is “ruined”. Nate’s other two kids were abandoned by their mother twice, then their father went to jail, they moved around a lot and do have some “problems,” but after getting some help they’re now thriving.

I don’t know if I could bear to watch Orange is the New Black if I had a loved one in prison. What you describe sounds really, really challenging. You might appreciate the book because Larry did not give up on Piper in real life, he was supportive of her and was there for her when she got out. The whole hooking back up with her old lesbian lover is completely made up, too. That’s TV for ya.

Yeah I’ve read some about the inconsistencies in the book vs. show. I didn’t even know it was a book until a few days ago, can’t wait to read it. I actually started watching the show simply to write a post about how it portrays prison compared to Nate’s experiences in there.

I will tell you what I see when I watch Orange is the New Black, I see psychology; I see reality. The show shows every side of prisoners. It shows how a prisoner feels initially and how they changes over time once they start adjusting with the existing circumstances. To be honest, nobody in the show is been shown at fault. Everyone is just shown as they are! I would not say that Piper is been betrayed as she too is who’s betraying. Or maybe I should not see it that way. Now, Piper has a different world for a while and thus she’s finding a life in this new world that she has to live in for a while. That why we say that life happens! So, I wouldn’t judge any character of the show. People are just people and many-a-times they’re the victims of the circumstances!

I just didn’t like how, originally, to me, it seemed like Larry was the bad guy because he was hurting, too. Honestly, A LOT about the show is unrealistic. But a lot is also realistic as hell. I personally don’t like Piper, but that’s just me — I’m starting to like her more as she “hardens”. I’ve heard the real-life Piper is much different.

I was attracted to your post because I see OITNB on Netflicks but have never actually watched it, I thought I was going to get a tv series review but got much more. In the UK we have a saying ‘there but for the grace of God go I’ stay strong and keep blogging.

Ah ha :-) just figured out to respond :-) .. PLEASE READ :-) i dont have much time to respond but If this can help 1 person it’ll have been worth it … (note: I’ve only read your post, not seen the show nor read any responses & even though I clicked “follow” I may never figure out how to catch you again so / but … (1) author Adell Davis, in her 1960s book “lets have healthy children” said if America doesn’t get off junk food, by the year 2000, 1 out of every 2 people will be in jail…. guess what, she was right …its epidemic!!! … whether it do to factors mentioned in an out of print book by Dr Alexander Schauss called “Dier, Crime & Delinquency” talking about our EPIDEMIC!!! of people in jail for having what Dr Bernard Rimland called “Dyslogic Syndrome” in his book by the same name … ie … (& im not joking here) … talking about how people often got in carcerated after they ATE something they were NUEROLOGICALLY allergic to … ie red dye, or ie a food with something like ie the minute amount of bht (a preservative used to preserve the minute amount of vit d in ALL milk products … those used in, ie baking products, ie bread, cookies, cake, etc …ANY & ALL baked goods that use ANY kind of milk products from milk, to dried milk, to canned, condensed milk, to yogurt, to whey protein powders, to cheese, to cottage cheese, to you name it, or had lots of sugar, causing what Mr Duffy calls “the Sugar Blues” based on data in such books as Dr Carlton Fredricks “low blood sugar (aka hypoglycemia) & you”… or even tieing in Doug Thorburn, “Drugs, Drunks & Debits, how to recognize addicts & avoid financial ruin” … in which HE suggests part of the problem may also be due to our law makers, still being enubriated from the previous days drinking, making bad laws to Simply drum up more cash … in either case it is a societal epidemic, & doing research on it.. ie on amazon for books that have to do with ie “hypoglycemia & you”, educating ourselves AND others … may be the only way to turn this epidemic around ( :-) … & you’d be surprized at what’s out there :-) … sorry I don’t have time for more but thanks for posting :-)

I can totally see that. Our prison system is a mess — Nate just wrote me that he doesn’t understand the point of being there, and SO many people are just shoved into prison instead of getting the help they need.

My mom is VERY into eating healthy, I’ll definitely pass on your information to her — she’d be glad to hear it=]

Hi … sorry i wasn’t able to respond earlier but yes :-( … it’s a mess …Dr Schauss, the guy who WROTE “Diet, Crime & Delinquency” even had a grant & was actually working IN THE PRISONS… providing the “criminals” (Ha NOT!!! :-( ) with Un-chemicalized food to wit the men themselves noticed the difference … they were calmer, more relaxed, less on edge, but Then Government Wilson cut his budget … so instead he’s now SUCCESSFULLY :-) focusing on getting the junk food out of schools (an ounce of prevention :-)) … Unfortunately there’s too much money to be made on push med n other resulting diseases … Even the legal system is run on profit … so until we can get the junk food n alcohol away from our ruling class … but :-) one step at a time :-) … but look him up on amazon :-) he’s got a TO of male nutrition oriented books :-) :-) :-)

Please continue you watching OITNB I promise you it is fantastic and perhaps your view of Piper and Larry will change.

With that being said, what a fantastic post about a topic not many seem to talk about or understand! I worked with kids who have parents incarcerated. The spouses and children often will agree with everything you’ve said. My husband was arrested for a small fight and released within hours. Those hours were by far the slowest, most agonizing hours ever. I wanted to make sure he was okay. I needed to talk to him. I needed to know what was happening. There was nothing I could do but wait till he got through booking! It was punishment for all of us! I can’t imagine going through your experience. It must feel endless. I am very sorry for this current trouble in your life. I do wish you and your loved one the best and that you may both be home together very soon.

I finished watching it (there are only 2 seasons out currently, right?) and now I hate both of them. Haha. I watch it for the other people, mainly (and to write blog posts about it). I’m starting to like Piper a tiny bit more as she hardens, though.

And thank you so much! Sadly, he’s sentenced to 15-30years so we won’t be together soon, but we’ve already made it through almost 3 so I have no doubt we’ll make it through the rest. It really does suck originally — that’s another thing I hate about the show: they get to say goodbye! Haha

Beautiful. Thanks for giving this understanding. I can only imagine. I Mus say I admire your loyalty. It is a rare gift and it’s beauty radiates from you. You have every right to feel the pain, no way not to with your kind of heart. Continue to write. Its very inspiring. You and your family is in my heart tonight. I know good things are on their way for you. Thank you again.
– Calvin

I can’t pretend I know what your going through, I live in a close bundled family, we are together for almost everything, but the pain you must go through everyday shocks me! Even though there is nothing I can do, I will be thinking of you and would like to give a big hug!

I feel what you have undergone. I’m so sorry for you, your children and all the people who have in any way suffered collaterally by Nate’s incarceration. It’s a nice read. Keep writing and keep your chin up.

Eh, I watched what’s available as of now and while I don’t hate it, I don’t love it, either. I do want to keep watching, but I can always tell when a show really sticks with me because I dream about it. Last night I dreamt Nate got out of prison and left me. But nothing specifically OITNB.

Ironically, Nate had a weird dream in which he was out, him and I were kissing, my best friend punched him in the face but also accidentally knocked me unconscious, Nate beat up my best friend and then got in a fight with me for leaving me there passed out. Haha, guess it was just a weird night for dreams.

I feel the same way about Larry. OITNB did break many barriers by bringing so many LGBT themes to the mass view and a unique plot but I feel like people let that mask all of the problems in the show.
I watched it because my friends raved about it and when I was like this is what you guys have been drooling over?

You put words to what so many people go through but we never, ever think about them. We’re all so transfixed on how the people who are in prison so deserve to be there (debatable), we figure their hurt families are just collateral damage for whatever terrible offenses they committed. We incarcerate way, way too many people and pay way too high a price in kids not knowing their parents. What do we, as a society, gain? I really wonder. I hope a million people read this piece. People need to know the real deal.

Thank you so much! I don’t know about millions, but thanks to Freshly Pressed it’s at least hundreds.

I say that all the time — imprisoning Nate is HARMING our society by taking a father away from his children for so long more than it is in any way protecting society. Our system has failed him. He’s only learning how to become a real criminal in there.

That must be so emotional for you to watch a show like that having lived through pieces of it.
My brother spent some years in prison. We watched a few episodes of OITNB together and it really took him back as well. I worried it would trigger him, but he found it very funny and lighthearted, actually.
I guess you know it was based on Piper’s somewhat true experience in season one. But no one is the hero. Everyone has thier moments, as in life.
Do you think this show is more enjoyable entertainment for you, or takes you to a dark place?

It doesn’t really take me to a dark place, but some of the inconsistencies (like them having METAL clips for their IDs) make me mad. I only started watching it because (a) everyone made such a big deal about it and (b) so I could write a post about the differences between the show and Nate’s experience (upcoming). It’s enjoyable but not nearly as good as I was expecting.

That was a great look into the live of a prisoners loved ones. That show does paint Larry as a bad guy for being emotional, I never understood why. I also haven’t advanced past episode 6. Maybe that will change. Stay strong as you live out your sentence

I finally got to the end of season 2 (which is all that’s available currently) and it, I think, shows all of them in bad lights and good. However I do feel that they continue to portray Larry as the bad guy, but other people I’ve spoken to see it differently. The show’s just not that great, in my opinion. But I’m still going to watch it because it’s not horrible, either.

I love the piece right from the title. OITB is engaging and I share your sentiments about Piper. My fiancee served some time but I did not know him then and each time he shares how horrifying his experience was (he was in another country’s prison), i feel secretly glad we hadn’t met yet. I feel he is a better person for his experiences and also, he had a gf then and they didn’t make it. I always wonder if i could.

In all honesty, there was a time when I decided I couldn’t wait. Nate has been sentenced to 15-30 years so it’s MUCH longer than on OITNB and it’s really tough to realize I’m giving up that much of my life. But, after “being out there” and realizing how much I missed Nate, I came to the conclusion that we’re strong enough to get through this. Not everyone is, and there’s no fault in that.

Must say I totally agree with the fact that it affects the loved ones JUST as much as those in prison. Although I’ve never been in that position myself I completely feel for those who have to deal with such situations and me and my boyfriend have been ‘Team Larry’ from the very start of OITNB S1.

Although, I do kinda disagree with the fact that the show makes him seem like the bad guy, but I guess that depends a lot on how you interpret the dialogue and which episode you are up to, too! Initially it did seem that way but I think later we begin to see a much less biased angle on the issue which allows for the audience to form their own opinion. And that’s when I decided on mine.

For the most part, I think my opinion is based largely around the fact that the punishment is a result of Piper’s actions, not Larry’s. I do not mean to offend in any way, so I apologise if i do, but I am curious to know how you feel on this matter; although you of course must feel deep sadness and loneliness, does anger ever one into it? After all you are essentially paying the price for the actions of someone else, and that must have an interesting effect on your emotions towards the situation. I presume that ‘Nate’ does not have the same irritatingly egotistical response to your emotions as Piper does to Larry’s, however!

Another issue is the fact that Piper is able (and more or less forced) to engage with a grip of people who understand her situation and emotions, and so has a close support system once she finds her way in the prison. Larry however, is alone in the ‘outside world’ and has a distinct lack of people who can complete empathise with his situation. I wonder if you have also found this? Or do you know of many people who are in the same scenario is you.

Again, I apologise if I have offended in any way, this is a topic which I find interesting and your post sparked a lot of thoughts in my mind so i wanted to voice them and ask a few questions! Thanks for posting such thought-inspiring words!

I have noticed that many people agree with me that the show portrayed Larry as the bad guy, BUT many others do not. So I agree that it depends on how the individual comprehends the shows portrayal.

I don’t always get mad, because our circumstances are different. I wrote a post called “Your Villain is My Super Hero” explaining exactly why Nate is in prison, and I mainly blame our mental health system. However, there have been times when I thought “You know what, HE did this, NOT me” and got a bit angry. Thankfully we’ve been able to understand each other and work through any of those feelings.

It’s hard to relate to a lot of people. I don’t want to say I’m grateful that I know people in similar situations, because it sucks all-around, but I am slightly lucky to know a few others who have loved ones in prison for around the same time. But I still get into very heated arguments with most people in my life about “Why are you waiting for him” and “But he was wrong, so you’re wrong”, etc.

Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! I knew you would be. Your posts are always so heart-felt and honest and unique, as well as being wonderfully written. As for Orange–I love the show! But it is hard to watch sometimes–my own son having spent so much time incarcerated, usually jail, once prison.

In another way, though, it’s comforting. Life does go on there. It’s not the life I would chose for him or he would chose, but it’s life. And in some ways it’s a better life than those slums in India where children climb through the dumps to find food, or life for Syrian refugees. Inside, he makes friends, he reads, he works out, he writes letters, he does work, he watches TV. Like us on the outside, only different.

I feel for Piper and for Larry. It is hard, for both, for any relationship. Life is hard. But posts like yours that help us see the many aspects of life, help us to empathize with each other, helps us all. Thanks for sharing.

I don’t hate the show, but I don’t love it. I don’t really see what all the fuss is about.

Funny you should mention that — if you get a chance, read “Life Behind Bars,” a post I published yesterday (the first one in the series of letters from Nate). He mentions how he doesn’t understand the point of jail and how his retirement plan is to just go back because they give you everything you need (joking, of course).

And thank you so much! I know it’s hard for you as well (thankfully, has been on the jail aspect). I wrote this so people like us can reach out to the rest of the world and show them we’re not all scummy like they so often choose to believe.

[…] I get a month off in May each year (one of the very many perks of working in a School) and this May to ward off boredom, I began watching the series Orange is the new Black. It is the story of this girl Piper who finds herself in prison shortly after she is engaged to be married for a transgression she did ten years before. Along with her experiences, it also has a flurry of odd and eccentric characters as inmates and makes for entertaining and engaging viewing.For an interesting review visit here. […]

heey, it’s the first time for me here and I just wanted to say that I can feel you and how bad it is to miss someone. A friend of mine has lost her mother couple of months ago, and everybody, me included, is telling her to move on and that she’s not the one who’s died and that she just has to live her life but to be honset I kinda understand how it feels. because missing someone and not being able to be around them is really difficult. She, for example, won’t have her mother to be around her when she graduates or get married and it’s gotta be difficult. I know that being in prison isn’t the same as dying buy your post somehow reminded me of her.

It is hard, and I think both have their own difficulties — with death you will never see the person again, and that must hurt in ways I have yet to experience (I’ve had people in my life die but no one that close to me). Whereas with prison, the person is still there, still just out of reach. I think they both hurt in extraordinary ways.

I’m sorry for your friend. The truth is, she might never get over it, but she will learn to live through it, eventually. It just takes time.

I understand how you feel. I am currently going in and out of jail at the moment. My mom was in prison last year and the whole family left everything up to me because they said since I’ve been to jail before I would know how to deal with it. I couldn’t really handle all of it and started partying again then got a DUI. Now I am going to jail twice a week but I’ve been there before for longer. I needed this last time of getting in trouble to see things in a different light. When my mom was in there it was hard because she was in a prison hours away from me. I just started blogging because I want to talk about what I’m going through right now because it is tough. Keep your head up. Times get really tough on both ends. He is probably freaking out constantly too. I’ve been trying to watch Orange is the New Black also. I can relate with Piper so far. I’m only a couple episodes in though. Stay strong!

Thank you! I’m sorry to hear about your hard times. Nate is also hours away from me so I rarely get to see him. Sadly he didn’t even get into trouble before this event — he had a bad reaction to some meds and blacked out.

I think you writing about your experiences is brave. I will be following you!

Thank you! Its crazy how the legal system works. It’s a whole different life in there. I wish they would set it up a little more for people to succeed rather than become institutionalized. It’s hard to be respectful in there when you get treated like crap. There is a few nice guards that treat you like a human being. IDK I’m glad I found you on here I’m enjoying reading your posts. Hang in there. :)

I watched and read. Piper was a jerk and lucky Larry
Wanted her. Don’t
Know anyone in jail but have a niece whose been in trouble. Dragging her family down terribly. I know you and your family are also serving sentence even though you’re not locked up. I hope someone helps.

Unfortunately he’s three hours away right now so we can’t visit, but when he was closer we used to once a week and it helped a lot. We’re slightly lucky in that he writes nearly every day and calls several times a week.

My son was only 6 months old when Nate went to jail, so to him only talking on the phone is still normal. He’s 3 now so I’m probably going to have to have the talk with him within the next year.

Reblogged this on JasmineInWonderland and commented:
Completely relatable post. The situation is something that really tests ones loyalty to the other person. It’s something that is very emotionally stressful. Sometimes you can even be consumed by the constant wondering. With just that short window of communication, your left to wonder and wait the remainder of the time.