seal virtually anything, and make it last!
WHY HAVEN'T THEY TRIED MIGHTY PUTTY?!?!

☼

~~ What happens if you swallow uranium?
You get atomic ache.

☼

~~ PENNY TAlk - Q: What does one penny say to the other
penny?
A: Let's get together and make some cents.

☼

~~ Q: what is inky dinky do?
A: what you look for when tracking an inky dinky

☼

~~ British ice cream manufacturer Wall's has announced it will no
longer print jokes on its ice cream sticks because too many
customers
don't "get" them.

☼

~~ New to America from Spain, I was working my first job at a health
club in New York City.
One day I was sent to the bank to get 50 dollars in singles for the
register.
As I crossed a busy intersection on my way back to the club,
a gust of wind blew the money from my bag.
Dollar bills swirled every which way.
Running like crazy, I grabbed what I could.
Cars stopped.
Passersby descended on the money like vultures.
My boss will kill me! I thought.
Then, unbelievably, people started bringing me money.
Businessmen and women, taxi drivers, little kids, strangers thrust
dollar bills into my bag.
When I returned to the club, I explained what had happened,
promising to replace the missing money.
"But Alejandro," the manager said, counting the bills,
"you gave me too much.
There are fifty-two dollars here."
Only in New York!

☼

~~ Don't you just love Facebook?
It's the only place you can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot!

☼

~~ I wanna hang a map of the world in my house.
Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to.
But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map
so that it will not fall off the wall.

☼

~~ Famous Mothers.........

COLUMBUS’ MOTHER:
“I don’t care what you’ve discovered,
you still could have written!”

NAPOLEON’S MOTHER:
“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER:
“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

MARY’S MOTHER:
“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you.”

MICHELANGELO‘ S MOTHER:
“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER:
“The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER:
“I don’t care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

see if anyone was home.
She didn't see me so all of a sudden, I left out the door screaming
obscenities at her.
She ran but I'm sure she will be back.
They're just like the IRS.

☼

~~ I stole a couple of minutes from work to give my wife a call.
She put my two-year-old son on, and we chatted a while before he
ended it with an enthusiastic. "I love you!"
"I love you too," I said, with a dopey grin plastered on my face.
I was about to hang up when I heard him ask sweetly,
"Mommy, who was that?"

☼

~~ The Mexican restaurant looked great, but it wasn't open.
So I jotted down the name for another day.
Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what
I'd written.
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign.
"That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays."

☼

~~ The economy continues to spiral.
I saw a bank robber today being held up by a teller.
It's so bad, I went to my ATM machine and it gave me an IOU.

☼

~~ Overheard in a computer shop:
CUSTOMER: Yeah, I need a mouse pad.
SALESPERSON: No problem, sir, we're got a large variety.
CUSTOMER: But will they be compatible with my computer?

☼

~~ AN NEWSPAPER AD: Get rid of aunts:
Zap does the job in 24 hours.

☼

~~ The owner of a Massachusetts day care center and several of her
employees were sued by the parents of a child in their care.
The parents found out that the owner, obviously intrigued by the
versatility of duct tape, wanted to find out if it really did "work on
everything"...and taped their child to the wall.
The child was not physically harmed and feels relieved to have
survived a very sticky situation.

~~ A sexual harassment lawsuit was settled by a Safeway Store in Kapolei, Hawaii, when a male employee was caught spying on a female
customer through a restroom peephole.
He was caught when the woman realized she was being watched and
shoved a toilet plunger handle through the hole and into his eye socket.
Apparently the man wasn't lying when he said he got a real eyeful.

☼

~~ A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings.
As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she
had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman,
"is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

☼

~~ Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear
the sirens of cop cars coming closer.
The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught.
Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing
foot steps grow more nervous.
A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted".
As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame...
"Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"
☼
☼Todays Thought; The light of a hundred stars cannot equal the light of the moon.

~~ American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

☼

~~ Gus remembering his years as a young father laughed and said.
"When I became a man.
I put away childish things.
Otherwise I would have run over toys whenever I pulled out of the garage."

☼

~~ Why doesn't Muhammed Ali drink milk?
Because it turns to butter before he gets it to his mouth.
(I know BAD joke.....I'm a bad boy......)

☼

~~ The instructions and fine print in the manual for my new electronic
humidity sensor intimidated me, so I delayed setting it up.
Once I finally began, my fear was eliminated when I read the fifth hint in
the four-page instruction manual, which stated:
"Under no circumstances should you let it get to you!
It's only a computerlike device and you cannot screw it up unless you
throw it out the window, in which case it will not be under warranty!"

☼

~~ Life insurance is weird.
The company bets that you'll live;
you bet you won't, invest a fortune, and hope they win!

☼

~~ President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets.
He gave a passionate speech about technology,
but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

~~ Dylan, my seven-year-old grandson, would not eat onions,
but never explained why.
I was preparing hamburger steaks for supper one day while he was
visiting, and he was asking questions about the meal.
"When I started to cut up the onions, Dyland said,
"Grandma, I can't eat the 'yunyons"......They make my eyes drool."

☼

~~ The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn
bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said,
"Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back....... "I'm not pregnant!"

☼

~~ A little boy worrying through his very first day at school raised his

hand for permission to go to the washroom, then returned to the class
a few moments later to report that he couldn't find it.
Dispatched a second time with explicit directions, he still couldn't find it.
So this time the teacher asked a slightly older boy to act as guide.
Success crowned his efforts.
"We finally found it," the older boy told the teacher.
"He had his pants on backward."

☼
☼
Todays Thought: Life is partly a struggle to keep the money coming in,
and to keep the hair from coming out.

So we bought her a subscription to Altzheimers Monthly which was a
rip-off because it is the same issue every month.

☼

~~ A doctor is talking to a car mechanic,
"Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical
care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model,
it hasn't changed since Adam;
but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

☼

~~ Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

☼

~~ A: I’m in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can’t afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the
mouse come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in
the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

☼

~~ I am always getting those return address labels from charities
wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group.
Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

☼

~~ I think testing cosmetics on animals is wrong.
Although my dog does look pretty sexy with some eyeliner and a
bit of lipstick on.

☼

~~ Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

☼

~~ American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!
Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

☼

~~ Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad
headaches.
She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed,
"Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me!
My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone.
I have it now."

☼
☼
Todays Thought: Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Setting on the deck watching the farmer cutting the hay field next door...

☼

Aww, kitty feels sick.....

☼

Awww Kitty's fat.....too many meeces?

☼

Call for a latter......get help....

☼

Okay....what you looking at??

Oh, down humming bird lane blog....

☼

Okay, Okay I'll smile.....

☼

Hey Guys!...One at a time......

☼

What a moth.....It's a good looking one.....

☼

Poor Eno.....

☼

Time to get on the bike, and leave......

☼

♥♥♥

☼

~~ This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent

survey of his to check on a discrepancy.
He asks the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of
intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'.
Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until
our second mortgage is paid off."

☼

~~ That's wonderful!
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

☼

~~ I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken,
french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by;
'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

☼

~~ The Vatican came down with a new ruling: no surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn't make this rule before Jesus was born.

☼

~~ "Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test."
"Do you know a lower one?"

☼

~~ FELIX: What would you call a leopard that never takes a bath?
JOHN: I have no clue.
FELIX: The Stink Panther!

☼

~~ An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood
and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

☼
~~ To solve the school dropout problem,
have a high-school diploma be a prerequisite for getting a driver's
license.

☼

~~ My Mom, Ann, was visiting, and was telling my nine-year-old daughter,
Rachel, that she hoped to win the lottery coming up on the weekend.
Mom told Rachel that if she won the lottery, she was going to put
$500,000 into an account for each of her grandchildren,
although they wouldn't be able to touch it until they were 25 years old.
"Can you imagine all the interest there would be in it by then?"
she said to Rachel.
"Oh Nanny," Rachel replied, "I'm already interested!"

☼

~~ A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

☼
☼
Todays Thought; The three words women most want to hear from a man are "You lost weight."