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Karin Samms, Counselor

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 299

Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues

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My husband and I dont have sex frequently, it drives me mad

Customer Question

My husband and I don't have sex frequently, it drives me mad and when i raise it, he says i'm making an issue out of nothing. Will have sex twice a month! We have been married two years. Today I found cum stains in his underwear, should i worry?, How do I approach him especially because we have gone through this before we were married and it turned out he was cheating. I'm going crazy coz it will look like i'm picking a fight however I cant prettied. Help

Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this within your marriage. The fact that he has in the past cheated on you, will inevitably raise suspicion in you now. If he has a low libido this too, may make it less possible to want or have sex. I wonder if you would both consider seeking out some form of sex therapy, he may not be interested and if this was the case you may want to consider it just for yourself (individual therapy).

Please find below a resource for you to have a look at if you were interested: http://www.therapistdirectory.co.za/sex_therapists_south_africa.asp

Additionally, I wonder if the fact that he cheated before you were both married has meant that you're struggling to deal with this feeling of 'rejection' on his part too? The fact that he had stains on his underwear has left you very suspicious and needless to say if he's not admitting to it, I'm uncertain what you can do about this. If you believe him and are willing to try and make things work then it may be about finding ways to get him more interested in romance, the build up and trying to find out what might turn him and you on in order for you to both enjoy the experience, does that make sense?

I'm uncertain how you can progress much further without trying to make a go of finding new ways to 'be' together. If you really feel that something isn't right then you will need to challenge him however, seeing as you have done this already and he hasn't changed his perspective on it, you may need to work from a different angle. Another strategy might be to talk in a calm manner about how it leaves you feeling when you don't make love, when you're not intimate and when you can't have hugs and cuddles together - this approach may get him thinking about how his lack of passion is affecting you, your relationship and your marriage. Perhaps you could also ask him to try and give it a go once weekly but try spicing things up. There are lots of ways to do this and you could both seek ways through the internet or even magazines. - whatever works and helps you both along.

If you have serious concerns that he is having an affair, this will require much more direct action and we could support you on this if the need arises. Please come back if you need any further assistance or clarity on what I have said.

I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Kind regards, Karin

Hi Sarah, Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my responses. Did you make any final decisions or are you reflecting on things? I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)Take care, Karin

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Kate McCoy

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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues

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