10 reasons the iPhone is a shitty game platform

It's Apple's turn in the barrel. Let's roast this sacred cow!

The week of Hate is in full swing, thus it’s high time to turn some much needed attention to the iPhone. “Top X iPhone games” articles are a hit everywhere, but no one seems to notice they say the same thing over and over again, or are patently wrong. Why? Because Apple fanboys link them around, post them on Facebook, and Digg them into the stratosphere. It’s doubtful most of them actually read said articles, but just like any fanboy, they love to see their platform validated and are more than willing to spread bullshit hype purely out of solidarity.

Above: This “killer app” could’ve saved the Sega Saturn

It’s not your fault you don’t know good games, Apple Nuts. How could you? You’ve never really had any before. And now that you do, you cling to every cruddy morsel like some neglected child living under the stairs who gets a single Oreo on his birthday. The truth is that no console would’ve made it in this business on the strength of Doodle Jump alone. And the primary reason you’re confused about the iPhone phenomenon is: