I’ve been thinking a lot about the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain lately. It’s really heartbreaking for their families, and leaves so many unanswered questions, but it seems that only when something like this happens do we really understand how much pain (emotional or physical) someone may have. Of course, it’s too late to help them at that point, but how do we help someone who is hiding their pain from those they love? How do we know? Some people love playing “the victim,” and love getting the attention that goes along with that. Others of us, however, don’t want to be a burden on those we love.

My daughter had a friend who committed suicide a few years ago. They were very close in high school, and then this friend ended up pushing away my daughter, along with a lot of other people who had been her friends. Of course, it makes sense why she pushed everyone away now, but at the time, how could anyone know that she was hurting so much? She pushed people away with meanness and made them not want to be with her. I guess in her way, she was trying to protect them from the pain she knew she may eventually put them through. Even when it happened, my daughter was not mad at her. She hurt for her. She still loved her. She understood then that her friend had needed help, and didn’t know how to ask for it.

We all need help from time to time.

Last summer, I found myself in a dark place. I was not suicidal, but I was sad. I was afraid. I was hurting. And I was feeling a lot of pressure from so many different places. I had been diagnosed with a medical condition that will be with me for the rest of my life. I was alone when I got this diagnosis because my husband was in New York with his family. I had recently been terribly hurt by some people I really cared about. I had no idea how I was going to handle another year of teaching with this type of medical diagnosis. I was bogged down with some very difficult, important paperwork that was pushing me to my limit. I was overwhelmed, alone, confused, sad, and hurting a lot. I didn’t want to die, but I wanted to disappear for awhile. I laid down on the kitchen floor, and cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. And finally a calmness came over me, and I got up and finished my paperwork that had been frustrating me so much. I was still upset and alone, mad and frustrated, but I knew I had to pull myself together to keep going. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought of me, or how anyone was trying to hurt me. I had to keep at the paperwork, no matter how confusing and difficult it was. Al would be home in a few days and we could begin exploring our medical options, and he would be home to comfort me. It would all be okay. I was entitled to a meltdown for all I was dealing with. But I had to get up and face these obstacles. I had to be strong for my husband and my children. I couldn’t disappear.

Al and I had a discussion earlier tonight about how when either of us is hurting or sick, we try not to let the other one see how much we’re suffering. We try to protect each other, even through our own pain. I didn’t tell Al about my major meltdown last summer until recently. I didn’t want to worry him, or put any added stress on him. He worries enough about me….why cause him to worry more? Why cause him added pain? When he is sick, he tries to conceal how bad he feels so I won’t worry. It hurts to see your partner hurt. We are strong for each other, but we also know that sometimes we can’t handle everything alone, whether it’s a physical illness or a giant weight on our shoulders. We need help from each other. We don’t have to do it alone, and it has taken me awhile to learn this. It isn’t something I’ve been used to.

Those people who are in so much pain that they take their own lives, aren’t trying to hurt anyone else. So many times they have been protecting their loved ones for so long it becomes too heavy of a burden to carry. They’ve had to be strong for everyone while they hurt. They’re really quite selfless, even though some will argue just the opposite. They’re funny, compassionate, and caring, but they have hidden their own feelings in order to protect those they love. We know to take care of those who ask for help. But let’s take care of those who seem strong too. Let’s be there for the ones who always seem to be there for everyone else. Let’s be there for the ones who start isolating themselves, even if they don’t want us. Let’s be there for the ones who make us laugh when we want to cry. Let’s be there for the ones who say, “I’m fine.” They may be the ones who are suffering the most, and don’t know how to ask for help. We are all human, and every human needs help at some point in their lives.

Do you ever get tired of doing the right thing? I know people who never do the right thing….ever….and they don’t care. I don’t always do the right thing (no human does), but I try. I’ve made plenty of mistakes! I had parents who had a way of making me feel guilty if I were rude, mean, unkind, disrespectful, or ungrateful…..not being nice……not doing the right thing. Still, from the grave, they have a way of “guilting” me into doing the right thing! You know, they were good parents, and gave me a conscience!

I know people who don’t give a damn if they don’t give someone the time of day. In fact, they’re so selfish, spoiled, and narcissistic, that they don’t understand why everyone isn’t falling all over them. They love being adored, and it doesn’t matter who they step on to get that adoration. If I knew that I was hurting someone by being unfair or unkind, I would feel horrible! I teach my little 1st graders to be nice, and I am notorious for saying, “Hey guys, we don’t treat each other that way.” When I see adults being petty, selfish, jealous, judgmental, and hurtful, I’m taken back to my adolescent days with mean girls. Even men can have those “mean girl” moments! They become masters of manipulation to get others to fall into their games. It’s a selfishness really, and a fear of not being the center of attention. I guess I’m not like that because I’m secure enough that I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention! So….is their meanness and selfishness really a sign of insecurity? A fear of not being popular? Or is it a fear of not having control over situations and other people?

I’ve worked with people who have passed me in the hallways as if I’m invisible. It’s an odd feeling, and I always think to myself that they are so incredibly full of themselves that they are too good to even nod, smile, or say, “hello.” This is America, and Americans pride themselves on being friendly and helpful, so why are they so rude? Depending on my mood, I might smile and say loudly in their direction, “HI! HOW ARE YOU?” This usually startles them, makes them feel a little embarrassed, and they’ll respond to me. Other times, they’ll look at me like I’ve lost my mind, and ignore me anyway. That’s actually kind of fun sometimes…….scaring them with friendliness! But I guess that’s just my twisted sense of humor…….I just tell myself I did the right thing. I made the effort to be friendly and nice. Once, when I was at a new school, I had a teacher from a different grade level tell me she would have been nicer to me if she had realized I was a fellow teacher! So….she didn’t have to be nice or respectful to me if I were a paraprofessional? A custodian? Or a substitute? Or a parent? One thing I will not be accused of is being a snob! I will treat everyone with the same respect.

Sometimes it just gets old. Sometimes I don’t want to be the bigger person. Sometimes no matter how kind or generous you are to someone, they will never like you or give you the time of day, or reciprocate your kindness. Ever. But don’t let their insecurities and selfishness overcome your kindness and spirit of generosity. If you are rejected repeatedly, you don’t have to keep being the bigger person. It’s exhausting, and can be detrimental to your self esteem and your heart (if it’s someone you care about). There’s a saying that goes, “When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.” There are people who don’t deserve an ounce of kindness from you if they are cruel or mean to you. You don’t have to always be the bigger person. This is something I am getting better at. I can be polite, but I don’t always have to be the one to risk the rejection of cold hearted people who don’t care about me anyway! Although, it’s still sometimes fun to startle them, with friendliness when they aren’t expecting it! Hehe.

I’ve always been a believer in karma. Some people don’t believe in it, and that’s okay for them, but I’ve seen it too many times to dispute it in my life. If you do good things, good things will come back to you. Just as, if you lie, cheat, and steal, it will come back to you. Sometimes we have to go through some very rough times before we feel the effects of karma, but it’s usually quite satisfying when we finally see it pan out!

I’ve known people who have had their hearts broken, and they claim they did all the right things. They treated their former partner with respect, spoiled them, doted on them, etc. Now usually, a breakup is a two way street, but occasionally, it is true that one person gives more, and gets taken advantage of. They can’t understand why things didn’t work out when they were doing all the right things. Well, of course, it’s a life lesson, but the “karma bus” will most definitely catch up to the one who did the hurting! It may take time, but I believe it will happen. And, the one who got hurt usually ends up with someone a lot more suited for their personality and needs….someone who treats them with respect and reciprocates the good care they have given. Soooooo….karma has come back to them in a positive way. It works both ways.

If someone has been a liar and cheat for most of their lives, it’s not usually an easily broken habit. They get away with it for as long as they can, and when it catches up to them, they still don’t take responsibility for their dishonesty. In their minds, it will always be someone else’s fault. There are people in this world who make a living cheating others….their spouses, neighbors, family, customers, the government…. They’re greedy, arrogant, lying cheaters. Instead of compromise, they tend to bully their way through life, using money to get their way. And when called out and proven that they’re in the wrong, they still refuse to admit it…..didn’t happen….fake news…… They’re somehow above the rest of us who have tried to do the right things, and they continue their shady ways. Don’t worry…..karma will catch up to them.

I try to always be nice and understanding to people. I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but I try to remedy it in my actions every day. I’ve always believed that if you are kind and nice, warm and friendly, generous and compassionate, you will get that in return. Not everyone treats me the way I’ve treated them, and it really does hurt. That’s when I tell myself that I have to step back and try not to care about their poor treatment. Their karma will get them just as mine will reward me. I’ve made a point to “be the bigger person” so many times. It sometimes sucks (a lot!), and I admit, I get tired of it. I have done things for people who I know will never treat me with the same kindness and respect. Sometimes I have to protect myself and just walk away…..no hate or anger….just self preservation. Karma can take care of that too!

Be good to people. Be good to those who are good to you. To the liars, cheaters, arrogant people and meanies….sit back, rev up the engine on the karma bus, and watch what happens. Let karma take care of it.

I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately. Part of it is because I have a hard time typing with a brace on my wrist. Part of it is just because I’ve been a bit distracted with a few things lately. I start to write, and I find myself not wanting to finish the topic because I get worried how some people might react. I try to keep my posts positive, and try to inspire people to do their best, while maybe sharing some experiences from my life, or funny stories. I know I shouldn’t worry about that, because I know if I’m doing the best I can, that’s all that matters. I have a level of sarcastic humor that not everyone gets, but I can’t worry about that either. I’ll try to give you an idea of what my mind has been like lately….

Catch the movie, Mudbound on Netflix……eye opening, and should tug at everyone’s heart. Let’s not ever go back to that. Mary J. Blige does an excellent job in it.

I love Kansas City at Christmas.

I love warm weather.

My dog is the sweetest, snuggled next to me as I type this.

The Vikings had an awesome game yesterday, and I hope they go all the way, especially for my best friend’s sake…..she loves them!

Some people really take advantage, and are attention whores.

I would never have the nerve to set up a Go Fund Me account for myself…….

Therefore, medical bills and trying to get by through this really sucks.

Donald Trump sucks. Yep. I said it!

What happened to manners?

Why can’t people respect your time and your finances? It’s not up to anyone else how you spend these things, and if you have the time or money for something. I would never tell someone, “You have time for this,” or “You can afford that.” No one’s energy level is the same as someone else’s, and no one knows what your financial obligations are.

A man complimented me in the elevator in the medical building for the boots I had on….then he asked if that was okay because he wasn’t sure it was acceptable….compliments should always be acceptable.

Work/teaching is exhausting.

Trying to get my foot in the door with real estate is next to impossible while teaching full time. Taking my post license course now.

I don’t like one of my medical specialists…….at all.

Sometimes no matter how nice you are to people, they just won’t like you. Be nice anyway, but protect yourself. You can’t make them care. Their actions will show you how they feel. Be kind.

Seizures suck.

My family is wonderful.

I don’t get to see a lot of Al this time of year because he works at lot with youth basketball, so we spent today together. He helped me with groceries and put gas in my car…..helping me with that wrist thing.

My kids are great…..and goofy, and I worry about them all the time.

Social anxiety can be crippling……try to smile and get through it. I feel it every day.

Youth basketball games are fun to watch, especially when they’re scrappy little kids.

Some people are heartless.

I’m addicted to reruns of Bewitched.

Spring and summer need to get here soon. I need summer now!

So you can see……my mind is all over the place…..writer’s block, because I can’t focus on anything. Not feeling bad or depressed….I’m just overwhelmed with a lot right now, so my mind is a busy place. I wonder if I have adult ADD to add to the list of conditions? Maybe if I am able to reduce the stress in my life and get the rest I need, I can focus! For now, I will rely on exercise and meditation (and Bewitched) to get me through!

I hope you all have had a great Martin Luther King Jr Day. Did you do anything to give back? I didn’t this year. I just don’t have the energy. My justification for this is that I give back each day when I walk into my classroom. Every teacher does……

Acceptance. We all want/need/crave it throughout our lives. We first need it from our parents, siblings, and extended family. Some people aren’t fortunate enough to ever feel that. Then we need acceptance from friends, teachers, and coaches, employers, co-workers, our adult peers, and even our spouses and own children.

Why do we need acceptance? Why is it so important for us to feel loved? Besides the basic needs of life…..food/water, shelter, and warmth, we also NEED love and acceptance. Humans are socially wired, and need each other. I know there are some people who really don’t care if they are accepted or liked, and I will admit, that I don’t care if I am liked by certain people. Life is too short to waste our time on negativity or hate. However, if you’ve done your best to be kind, considerate, honest, generous, helpful, and truly nice to someone, why wouldn’t they like or accept you? Why would they reject your sincere efforts to be a good person? Rejection is painful.

As a child, I was fairly well liked by my teachers. I was quiet and did my work, so that helped. I did have a teacher or two in high school who just really didn’t like me though. It was a miserable experience! I hated jumping through hoops for them, only to always be shot down, or criticized, no matter what I did. It was a hard lesson to learn about the human spirit, and how mean people can be. My husband had the same experiences with a few coaches along the way. No matter what type of effort he put in at practices, games, etc. the coach was never satisfied. I think everyone can relate to similar experiences.

Why? What gives someone the satisfaction of rejecting people? Is it a power play? Is it fun having control over someone’s future or feelings? Or does it make them feel good to hurt someone? Are they miserable people who only feel good when they are hating and disrespecting someone else? Does it make them happy to criticize everything someone does, even when that person is doing their best? Is it jealousy? Are they rejecting you for the way you look? The way you talk? The way you dress? The career you chose? Your social status? Where you come from? Who you marry? Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and grudges can also be a source of contention for us…..and it’s very unhealthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. As a wife, mother, and educator, I can’t imagine ever treating someone so unfairly. I want to be an example of how to treat people.

A friend recently told me about her 2 year old granddaughter getting scratched by another child. Not only was her granddaughter physically hurt, but she was confused as to why this other child would intentionally hurt her. We do what we can to protect our loved ones, but sometimes we can’t protect them from everything and everyone. Teaching kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, and love is far better than teaching them to be jealous, spiteful, or resentful. Teaching them to stand up for themselves and walking away from negativity and meanness is much harder. They still need love and acceptance.

I guess this is all a part of life, and learning how to deal with difficult people. I have learned that there are people in this world who I can never make happy. I can’t control their thoughts, their actions, or what is influencing them. I can only continue to be myself……trying to be the best version of myself, and how my parents raised me. I can never be cold to someone who has done nothing to hurt me. In fact, sometimes, I find myself being nice to people who have been unkind or unfair to me, and really don’t deserve my niceness! I get annoyed with myself for doing that at times, but I just can’t help it! I don’t want to go through life making anyone feel rejected or hurt. I can’t. I have to keep telling myself though, that when I encounter rejection, especially when I have only been kind….it is not my problem. When a person intentionally rejects you in order to hurt you, you are not the problem. As hard and hurtful and mean as it is….as long as you continue to be the bigger person, it is not you.

Choose kindness, not hate. Choose acceptance, not rejection. Wouldn’t you rather be known for your kindness and acceptance instead of someone who intentionally hurt another by rejecting them? Don’t be so caught up in yourself that you hurt someone else with rejection. Remember…..acceptance is a human need. Be kind.

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