OP-ED: I Met Your Parents This Weekend, And Now I Know Why You Suck So Much

Listen, don’t take it personally, but I met your parents this weekend, and now it’s extremely clear to me why and how you suck so much. It’s as if I saw the embodiment of anything and everything that’s wrong with you, except heightened.

That annoying habit you have of cutting other people off mid-sentence to say something irrelevant, unnecessary, and just generally false? Definitely got that from your mom. And the way you pick your teeth after eating literally anything? That’s your dad shining through!