A Hollywood Guide to Killing Aliens

In the new science-fiction comedy The Watch, it’s up to a newly formed neighborhood protection group (represented by Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughan, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade) to fight off an alien invasion. While the Earth intruders may have superior firepower and defenses, it shouldn’t be too difficult to do since they have one hidden weakness: As Vince Vaughan soon discovers, “You can only kill these guys if you shoot them in the dick.”

As the movies have taught us again and again, firing aimlessly at extraterrestrials won’t do the trick—the secret is to discover that even Martians and little green men have their own Achilles’ heels. Thus, having consulted the tapes and scouted out the opposition, we give you a guide to vanquishing the alien invaders who appear indestructible … but are truly not.

But know your alien: Some aliens, like the alien-infested teachers in The Faculty, need a copious amount of water to survive. These aliens you should attack with a diuretic, and it won’t take long for them to lose their fluids and die.

Dimension Pictures.

Give Them a Computer Virus

A world’s worth of jet fighters is not enough to defend the planet from the alien invasion in Independence Day; instead, our resourceful heroes implant the mothership with a computer virus. Once our cyber attack has deactivated their alien shields, an alcoholic pilot flies a kamikaze attack into the underside of one of the ships’ weapons compartments. When the attack succeeds, the Americans alert the rest of the world about how to take them down.

The Psychlos, the humanoid aliens of Battlefield Earth, live in giant domes because they can’t survive in the Earth’s atmosphere. If you find yourself faced with Psychlos, you would do well to emulate the Battlefield Earth hero Carlo, and suffocate the invaders by smashing open their enclosed habitats.

Warner Bros. Pictures.

Sneeze on Them

Our world’s viruses and bacteria are the ultimate punishment for the alien colonizers in both film versions of H.G. Wells’ The War of the Worlds. If Martians invade, perhaps you should stop washing your hands?

Still from CREDIT: War of the Worlds (2005) courtesy of Paramount Pictures.

After discovering that dangerous extraterrestrials are fatally allergic to selenium sulfide, some smart-thinking college students in Evolution recognize that the chemical element is the active ingredient in Head & Shoulders shampoo. They save the day by pumping the dandruff-preventer through a fire hose and into the rectum of the giant organism.