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REPORT: Yachting loafers kicked through TVs at a record high after Villanova loss

Yachting loafers, sailing shoes and boat shoes were kicked through televisions at an alarmingly high rate Saturday afternoon, correlating with the stunning upset of #1 Villanova by #8 Wisconsin in the NCAA March Madness tournament.

Reports coming in to the Coggin show brands of Sperrys, Nubuck Deck Shoes, Barque Deck Shoes and Cole Haan Boothbay Boat shoes were sent hurtling into 80-inch flat screen televisions at a shocking rate at the conclusion of Villanova’s 65-62 loss.

Reports show white, middle aged, affluent males with $1,000 Hugo Boss sweaters tied loosely about their shoulders destroyed their televisions and had to “cool off” in their private libraries for at least a half an hour after the game, drinking snifters of fine cognac and ruminating over the ups and downs of the stock market.

While shoes were the items most hurled through televisions, statistics show silver caviar spoons were thrown through Bentley windshields at almost the same ratio, and the rate of priceless, heirloom family monocles crushed under the heels of Sutor Mantellasis also rose significantly.

At press time, it was also shown that 99% of wives with the names Mitzy, Muffy, Evangaline, Ambrosia, Penelope, Camilla, Constance and Amabel nervously stroked pomeranians as they waited for their husbands to calm down.