I moved to America from Pakistan at 18 to attend Grinnell College in Iowa. Came out of Chicago with a bunch of other talented comedians—Hannibal Buress, Jared Logan, and Brooke Van Poppelen. My jokes are usually observational: a lot of them have to do with pop culture, and they always end with a quick punchline.

Other places you can find me:
I play Pindar on TNT's Franklin and Bash. I've been on The Colbert Report a bunch as well as Portlandia. I run a weekly show, The Comedy Meltdown, at Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard. Wednesdays at 8:30. You could also check out my Twitter feed @kumailn.

My Attempt At Writing A Sporty Submission For Deadspin's Comedy Week:

I lived in Pakistan till the age of 18, and the only sport that existed in my world was cricket. I moved to the US in the late 90‘s and learned to love basketball & football & baseball. However, there is one aspect of international sports that I still miss.

Rivalries.

No, I don't mean your lame American rivalries.

I mean real rivalries. I mean the kind of rivalries that can only happen on the international sport stage.

You think Lakers/Celtics is a rivalry? Nope. India/Pakistan. THAT is a rivalry. We have nuclear weapons pointed at each other. And we think the umpire just cheated. That. Is a rivalry.

I would watch cricket matches between India and Pakistan and think that, if Pakistan didn't win, the world would end.

Remember when, during the heated Pistons/Bulls years, then Detroit Mayor Coleman Young put a hit out on Chicago's Mayor Daley? Wait, no that never happened. On the other hand, India and Pakistan have been trying to kill each others' heads of State an average of 5 times a week for the last 60 years. (Number is estimate based on probably fact.) And now they are about to face off on the field of cricket.

You know. Like in a rivalry.

See, India and Pakistan used to be the same country that was divided by the British in 1947 and they have been fighting over a disputed piece of land ever since. By fighting, I mean, planning terrorists attacks on each other, imposing sanctions against each other, and randomly shooting at soldiers from across the border almost every day.

You know. Like in a rivalry.

Unfortunately, none of your sports teams will ever have that kind of history.

But don't worry America. I have a plan.

Here is what you do. Take the Liberty Bell and ship it to Los Angeles. Use it as the lunch bell for the set of Two and a Half Men. Then take all the O's from the Hollywood sign, and ship those to Philadelphia. Take a picture of the Mayor of Philly hula hooping with them. Blow up this picture and make it the flag of Philadelphia. In retaliation, have Ashton Kutcher marry the Liberty Bell (he seems to be ok marrying older), and then divorce it very publicly. Take pictures of the Liberty Bell partying with Lindsay Lohan. Have Entertainment Tonight do a story on how the Liberty Bell is looking really fat these days. Have the State Flag of California just say the words "Rocky Sucks."

Oh, look at the schedule. The Lakers and the Sixers are playing tomorrow.

Take the day off work. Lock your doors and hide your flammables. Get some popcorn, and wait for cars to burn.