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I’m sorry. Really. I apologize for today’s hackneyed start. But I’m afraid it’s unavoidable when one is forced to write about space and adult entertainment at the same time. When the final frontier becomes a destination for sexploration — you see? — there is no retinal protection from the textually transmitted diseases of dubious wordplay, bad puns and pornicating portmanteaus.

So let’s just go to second base with a news release sent to Earth media this week. You are about to get groped by the cosmic plans of one Corey Price, vice-president of Pornhub, the world’s biggest streaming adult website. With a helmet nod to Neil Armstrong and crotch grab to Larry Flynt, Mr. Price explains why his smut emporium is now glancing skyward.

“We’re looking to pioneer a one-of-a-kind mission to push the boundaries of intergalactic sexploration, defy gravity and make history. We are excited to change the adult industry as we currently know it by venturing into the final sexual frontier.

“This will be a grand experiment in learning how intercourse works after penetrating the Earth’s atmosphere, a lesson we’d like to broadcast and produce — with great enjoyment — in direct collaboration with those interested in being a part of the global front that will make this a reality.”

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The shorter version: we want to make space porn.

To learn more, I click over to Pornhub’s Indiegogo page. Yes, for reasons that remain unclear, they are crowdfunding this mockery of the space shuttle program. Before two porn stars are hurled into orbit and directed to peel off protective gear and get it on while floating like doomed helium balloon animals inside a probe, Pornhub needs to raise $3.4 million (U.S.) in 60 days.

So in an age when people generally don’t pay for pornography, they are asking people to pony up for theoretical pornography. It’s a bit like pushing for a voluntary eardrum tax on those who illegally download music.

I’m pretty sure donations should not be filed as tax deductions. Not unless you want a CRA auditor standing over your bed one night with a scowl and rubber gloves. But as a token of Pornhub’s appreciation, funders will receive “a perk.”

A $1 donation, which qualifies as “Pluto,” gets you a “Certificate of Endorsement.” For $20, or the (sigh) “Assteroid” level, you get access to a “special donors only live Q&A video chat” with the two sextronauts who will no doubt insist “Cape Canaveral” is an exotic position.

For $30,000, or “Apollo 69” bragging rights, Pornhub will emblazon your name on the spacesuits, which might prove unwise when your boss or spouse starts asking pointed questions upon re-entry. The top perk, $150,000 to join the (groan) “Uranus” club, gets you one of the spacesuits “complete with underwear.”

Houston, we have a biohazard.

Convinced this is a PR stunt, I reach out to Pornhub. The company tells me it is “completely serious.” They also send me images of the sextronauts. Adult film stars Eva Lovia (The Squeals of Ticklish Nice Girls) and Johnny Sins (Dirty Little Sex Dolls) are soon staring back at me in orange spacesuits, looking more concerned than aroused by the prospect of staging a money shot in zero gravity.

Since the dawn of crowdfunding, we’ve seen some weird campaigns. We’ve had people trying to invent flying bicycles. We’ve had people wanting money to market “Combat Kitchenware,” the perfect gift for a foodie who, while simmering a bouillabaisse, is forced to fight off ninjas.

But as far as I can tell — and I honestly stopped researching after my laptop screen filled with unwanted ads and scandalous pop-up images — this is the first time anyone has tried to advance civilization with interstellar hanky-panky.

And that’s assuming it’s even biologically possible to “mate” in space, what with the changes in blood flow and galvanic skin response. I tried to get some medical insight from NASA scientists, astronauts and a few biologists. None of them replied. And all of them probably forwarded my “Urgent Space Porn Media Request” to their IT specialists to block my email address.

So I don’t know how this will climax. But I have a feeling it won’t be a happy ending.

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