Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Friday, 31 May 2013

A GIRL MUST DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL BETTER

SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGESOR: The night I learned that a girl can have a surprising amount of fun when somebody else is paying.

'Member that time I told you I ran into one of my exes and I looked like 10 pounds of ugly stuffed into a five-pound sack? Yeah, well that night I needed to make myself feel attractive, which is always a completely pointless endeavour because once you've gone to all the work of proving you can attract men to you like fruitflies to a rotting mango, you realize you don't want them. But oh well.

I went out that night and I tested my powers and I had fun and I didn't have to pay for a single thing all night long. I have to admit, my flirting skills were a little rusty, I mean I've been out of the game since at least last summer and that really didn't go so well (you can read about the fateful boat cruise right here), but hey, I give myself an "E" for estrogen. Or effort. Or both, really. It was a team effort. Here's how the night went. The parts that I can remember, anyway ...

Bashful: "Can I tempt you with some pulled pork poutine?"Me: "Well as long as that's not a euphemism for some sort of weird sex game, I don't know what you youngsters get up to these days but I know butt chugging plays a role, then yes. Yes you can treat me to the pulled pork poutine."

Wheezy: "Would you like a thick frothy mug of ... "Me: "Excuse me? I don't know what you're getting at but I'm going to pretend we're talking about booze here and say I will allow you to purchase me a glass of white wine."

Dopey: "May I chalk your cue so we can play a game of pool?"Me: "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS? It's just sex, sex, sex, isn't it? I'm outta here!" And then I went home alone and had a nice healthful cup of green tea before getting eight hours of sleep.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ahem. Would you like me to tell everyone how it really ended?MY NOTE: Would you like me to castrate you with a pair of rusty pruning shears?

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.