We’ve been married for fifteen years. I love him, but I think we’re stuck in a rut again. Sex is boring. Maybe I need to find something kinky and different to stir things up a bit? I normally don’t post this kind of thing, but I need help. I feel like we’ve tried just about everything already. Any advice?

Signed, Ho-Hum

Dear Ho-Hum,

When the sex gets humdrum and boring, it can be sign that you are taking each other for granted. Sometimes it isn’t so much that you need to try something new in the bedroom, but that you need to try something new before you get to the bedroom.

Do you two go on dates at all? How much time do you spend just talking to one another – really talking – and not about schedules, kids, jobs, or groceries?

Try setting the stage for romance. Redo the bedroom. If you can’t afford to paint it and get a new bedspread now, just make it as clean as you can. Make it a place you both want to be. Decorate it with candles. Maybe add a diffuser with some essential oils that are purported to increase arousal.

Make yourself ready for romance. Remember when you were dating, how long you took getting ready for him? Did you spend hours picking out the right clothes, showering, shaving, and worrying if he liked you as much as you liked him? I would never want to go back to that stage of insecurity, but we should all try to recapture the anticipation that we once felt.

Sex is mostly a head game. To a small degree, we can be aroused by sights, smells, touch, stimulation, etc. But mostly, we have to get our thoughts in the right place. While he’s pumping away, if you’re mentally making a grocery list, you aren’t going to experience much of an orgasm.

Reading a romantic book together can be fun. Some couples will take turns reading it aloud to one another. My honey won’t do that, but we’ll read the same book silently, while snuggled up next to each other. Then we can talk about the characters, how we felt about them, what they did right or wrong – and it can lead into talking about our own thoughts and feelings about each other, or life in general.

As for trying something new – there really isn’t anything new. It’s all been done before. I know that currently “back door sex” is “all the rage” but it’s not for everyone. Some couples enjoy fantasy and role-playing – some don’t. Some enjoy trying new places – public places, where the risk of being caught adds to the titillation. The best sex, though, is always after a great evening spent together, enjoying one another’s company.