The Lord Has Louisville: An Elite Eight Interview With Jesus E. Christ (Humor)

Moments after the Elite Eight matchup between Michigan State and Louisville came to an end, Westwood One radio corralled MSU guard Travis Walton and asked him his thoughts on the Spartans’ victory and advancement to the Final Four. Without necessarily answering the question, Walton replied, “Thank you, Jesus! This team is blessed.”

A seemingly harmless response, unless you know Jesus like we do. Here at Seattle Sportsnet, we caught up with Jesus Christ himself and asked Him His thoughts on the game, as well as the rest of the NCAA Tournament field. Suffice it to say, He wasn’t pleased with Walton’s outburst.

SSN: Jesus Christ, let’s get right to it. Did you do anything to help Michigan State win this basketball game?

JC: God, no. I had Louisville winning it all, for My sake. I did My best to help Terrence Williams find his shot, but I can only perform so many miracles in such a short amount of time. Just ask Scottie Reynolds.

SSN: So you’re saying that you had no part in Michigan State’s victory over Louisville?

JC: None whatsoever. By the second half, I was already watching The Steve Harvey Show. That’s my favorite show, you know. I delayed the 2008 ALCS for that show.

SSN: That was you?

JC: That was Me.

SSN: Jesus H., that was a beyotch move. There are a number of people who are really mad at you over that.

JC:You know, My middle initial is not “H.” I don’t know where people get that impression.

SSN: What is your middle name, anyway?

Jesus Efrain Christ

JC: It’s Efrain.

SSN: Interesting. So if you didn’t lead Michigan State to victory, who did?

JC: That was actually the work of the Devil. He works in mysterious ways.

SSN: No kidding, wow. Okay, so how do you feel about Walton thanking you for the help you had no intention of providing?

JC: I’m not too happy with that, actually. I really do not like it when certain athletes reference Me in that sense. No one ever thinks about what Jesus wants, or who Jesus wants to win. It’s all about the players, all about their freakin’ accomplishments, all about the special crap they’ve done, supposedly with My help. Most of the guys thanking Me don’t even show up to church on Sunday, how’s that for thanks?!

I don’t give a crap about a Terrell Owens touchdown catch or an Albert Pujols home run! You know, I used to be a California Angels fan until they sold out to Los Angeles, and Anaheim, and Disneyland, and Orange County, and wherever the hell else they’re from.

Now, I have no rooting interests whatsoever. I just sit on My cloud and watch TV, watch movies. I’ve watched Next Friday sixteen times this past week. I am getting sick of Deebo!

SSN: Calm down! You’re not even making sense anymore.

JC: I’m frustrated, that’s all. And I just finished off a case of PBR.

SSN: You drink Pabst Blue Ribbon?

JC: It’s the beverage of Jesus, yes.

SSN: That’s fantastic. I had no idea you were into that sort of thing.

JC: Oh yeah, I am. I’m just like you. Sure, they write a song about God being one of us, but not Jesus. Well guess what, Jesus is one of you, and He’s into a lot of the same stuff you’re into. I just wish they had PBR on tap more places.

SSN: You’re right. Can’t you make that happen?

JC: Are you kidding Me? That would take the work of God, and He’s going on four millenia of sobriety. How do you think Vitamin Water got so popular?

SSN: I always wondered that myself. Good to know. OK, let’s get back on track here. One more question for you, and then we’ll let you go.