Miss Me?

Since early July I’ve been going through some ugly times at work. Some errors were made with journal entries by me that while yes, I made the errors, why didn’t management notice sooner so we could work out a new process or discuss things? Instead, I was given a written warning about my job performance. There’s a phrase in there that refers to potential termination if my performance does not improve by October. Imagine getting that in your monthly one on one meeting with your boss – completely out of the blue. You know that fight or flight response we all learned about in school? The one that makes you numb and you can’t decide how to react? That was me in the meeting. Terrified. Started to sweat. Wanted to cry, scream, hit. Hide under the table. The thing that got me the most? The boss saying – but it’s really not that dire as you’re already working on improvements.

Not dire??? The f-ng word ‘termination’ is in the document, dude. I’ve been here 24 1/2 years and NEVER has this happened to me. I’ve never been written up for anything. So frankly? I think I was a scapegoat for others but I’m not going to expound on that. Not here.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talks about the 5 stages of grief which are 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, 5) acceptance. This may sound strange but I swear that’s what I’ve been going through. All those stages. I don’t know if the denial stage for me would have been the initial fear and terror I felt or if that belongs within the anger department but when I look back at the last however many weeks it’s been, this is what it has been like. I’ve almost quit a number of times but thanks to my BF I didn’t. So long as I’m getting a paycheck, stay there, she says! She’s been so supportive in ways I can’t even begin to list – holy crap – if she wasn’t here for me now I honestly don’t know what I would have done to this point or moving forward.

As this has been such an emotional time I knew I couldn’t blog until or if I reached a good point to not cry at the drop of a frigging dime. Basically? I’ve been in cover my ass mode and thoughts that shouldn’t have had to enter my mind – ever – have made their way in. Like leaving the company. Sure, I’ve thought about it once or twice over the couple of decades I’ve been there but it was only for a fleeting time (like a week, if that), nothing serious. Never once wrote up a resume (still don’t have one, want to help??). Never looked at other companies. Was just pissed about a situation but was able to move on whether it meant finding another job in the company or attempting to fix what was wrong so things would be better. Here? I’ve been trying since April to find another job within the company, at my current level and levels lower. There’s nothing I’m qualified for. All of the postings are insisting on requiring a college degree. Nope. Don’t have one. I only have experience.

I posted for one anyway, got the generic ‘sorry, there were other candidates that more closely matched the qualifications’, etc. Yeah, right. That’s why two weeks later it’s re-posted and again another month later. Hm, guess having experience no longer counts.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell – enough said other than to ask that you cross your fingers that only good things can happen moving forward.

What have I been doing other than trying to save my job? Well, pictures will have to follow the next time I post but I made a pair of socks from Flat Feet yarn. Just google it and you’ll find it at a number of stores. This is yarn that you buy in a pre-knitted flat expanse of yarn that you just start pulling from one spot, no need to wind in a ball you just knit away.

My experience? While knitting a pair of socks I was working both in the round for the usual parts and back and forth on the heel. When knitting back and forth I was able to keep the tension such that the kinks you get from unwinding your ‘flat’ pretty much disappeared. But knitting in the round, holy hanna, not so well. I was very uncomfortable knitting with it as I kept thinking the tension would be off. And in the end it was. The socks are a bit too big – even after smacking the heck out of them. That’s how BF taught me to block – she uses a flat yard stick but I used my plastic sock blocker, laid the socks on the carpet and proceeded to beat the crap out of them with the sock blocker. Felt good. Really, really, really good. Try it sometime.

Anyway, it’s highly doubtful that I’ll ever knit with it again. I guess I’m old fashioned, I’ll take my ball or cake of yarn anyday. I still have some left and maybe I should sell it. There’s enough to make at least 2 pairs of kid socks. Hmm. I’ll think about it.

What else? Oh, started knitting lace this past week. I know. Me? Lace? Who knew? it’s really BF’s fault because she’s been knitting lace for a while now and it’s so pretty. I pulled out a scarf pattern called Faina’s Scarf from Fiber Trend (it won’t link straight to the pattern, just look for it at the site under Shawls and Lace, it’s purple) I’ve had for a long time and with the sea cell / silk yarn I purchased at Stitches in Illinois earlier this month started working on it. Details about the pattern and the yarn will follow in the next post. You know what? I’m in love with charting.

I also went to Stitches as noted above, hated the hotel (save that for another post), loved my workshops (Lapland Hand Garments with Susanna Hansson and Mastering Yarn Substitution with Kellie Nuss – I am vowing to take workshops with them in the future, awesome and talented people both of them) but sadly only purchased 2 skeins of yarn. OMG. I really need to get back in the swing of things!!

Okay, if you’ve actually made it this far in my post, congratulations and bless you for your patience! I’ll be back soon.

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2 Responses to "Miss Me?"

That sucks about work. Could it be they are trying to force you out before retirement benefits/pension vests? There may be other corporate motives at work other than your mistake. Hang in there. I have a thing of Flat Feet sock yarn and haven’t used it yet. I was totally uscked in by the novelty of it.