Things like “don’t’ let your 4 year old hit you in the head with a large plastic toy” you know, the really mystifying stuff that constitutes parenting.

Dylan lands a solid kick squarely into his Dad’s crotch. Now I understand why there are only two Rock kids, as if watching that video wasn’t birth control in and of itself.

Ooooohhhhhh, Rock Me Mary Poppins

The Dog (who, while quite bright, oh who am I kidding, the dog is a blooming idiot).

if it’s any consolation to the Rocks, they will always have this TV episode to commemorate their family at this point in time. Better than any cheesy family picture when Dylan and Natalie want to bring home their first real girlfriend or boyfriend. Muhahahahaha.

No Feet Where We Eat. I like it! It’s catchy like, if the gloves don’t fit, free a murderer.

Great job, LG. Watching that show made me realize my daughter isn't as bad as I thought she was. I did use it on her, though. "Look, those two are smaller than you and they can clean their room" Didn't work.

I don’t mean to brag or anything *coughyesIdocough* but last night I had the pleasure of LG reading this awesome recap to me over the phone; voice filled with snark, sarcasm and all things intended to make an already hilarious recap even funnier.

It was my extreme pleasure, Jewlesy. Though it was a little weird for me to read my own recap out loud. You were very polite and laughed at all of the places that I dramatically paused, awaiting your laughter

"Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

Things like “don’t’ let your 4 year old hit you in the head with a large plastic toy” you know, the really mystifying stuff that constitutes parenting.

Oh sure, there are tons of self-help books on this subject, but apparently smothering a child to make sure he never in his life has a moment of discomfort is such a time consuming job that this Mom hasn’t had a moment to touch a book with more words per page than pictures in four long years.

Let’s Rock and Roll!

And why wouldn’t they (even though that is mathematically impossible, they don’t know math yet).

Can You Hear What the Rocks Are Yelling?!?!?!?

Deb’s strength is “teamwork” as apparently the Nannies all have a specialty, like so many superheroes, only they all wear the same parenting-crime-fighting outfit, and thankfully it isn’t lyrca and spandex based.

Now I’m wondering what the other Nannies’ super-powers are and I’m hoping that levitation or perhaps communication with dolphins might be crucial in future episodes. SHAZAAM!!!!

Dylan lands a solid kick squarely into his Dad’s crotch. Now I understand why there are only two Rock kids, as if watching that video wasn’t birth control in and of itself.

Karen begs for help at the end of her video. It’s time for my light bulb joke. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has to want to change. [insert rim-shot here]

Ooooohhhhhh, Rock Me Mary Poppins

but she’s not wearing only her tighty whiteys (or rather, pink Disney Princess undies) when a camera crew pulls up.

Perhaps if she wasn’t wearing that intimidating cape . . .

Ohh, grammatical humor! That always kills in recaps.

Unfortunately it is literal death, rather than the figurative, as in “you slay me.” Moving on . . . Mom says: “We don’t know what we’re doing, so we’re not doing anything.” If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, or something like that.

You Must Have Rocks For Brains.

and The Dog (who, while quite bright, oh who am I kidding, the dog is a blooming idiot).

You Can’t Win, Rock!

Deb starts showing Karen and Matt how she wants them to take control of the family by setting down rules and forcing the kids to follow them by *GASP* time-outs, and *SHRIEK* withholding attention from the children when they aren’t behaving in accordance with the family rules. Karen labels it as “abuse” and rushes in to “rescue” her kids from that dreaded hob-goblin of “feeling bad” that no child of hers will ever have to encounter, no matter how horrid they act.

Here are the highlights: Dad catches on and tries to lay down the law and enforce the rules. He’s making actual progress, the kids are starting to calm down, and *WHOOOSH* Mom rushes in to rescue them, as they have been crying for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. Ok, I guess I’m just insensitive to the delicate nature of these particular children, but won’t all kids cry if they think they’ll get what they want from crying? They’ve obviously learned that crying works with their Mom, and they play it to the hilt.

Picture [Im]Perfect

The kids are crying and screaming for no apparent reason other than the sheer joy of it (and the incredible feeling of power over their hapless parents, who are paying big money for this photo session and hoping to get just one good shot).

Better than any cheesy family picture when Dylan and Natalie want to bring home their first real girlfriend or boyfriend. Muhahahahaha.

Rock On, Nanny Deb!

Choosing is great when you actually make a choice, but Karen is yet to enforce any rules, especially not bedtime.

No Feet Where We Eat. I like it! It’s catchy like, if the gloves don’t fit, free a murderer.

There is some strange blue box with the logo blurred out sitting on the table. It looks like Diet Pepsi, but I’m hoping for Nanny Deb’s benefit that it was actually a huge box of Prozac.

The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Also Sleeps in His Twin-Sized Bed, Apparently.

Karen freaks out and saves Dylan the work of fighting the rules by doing it herself. Can’t he play with toys by himself at bedtime? Can’t I read him just three bedtime stories. Can’t I just stay in there with him until . . . until what, Karen, until he goes off to college?

It’s like a Christmas list, only meatier. Don’t mess with Bo-Bo. With a dog named Bo-Bo, this family must be American Idol fans. Or else classic clown fans. It’s hard to tell, really.

Dad tries hard to keep Dylan in his own room, but Mom is completely unable to control her desire to “comfort” Dylan at all costs. She spends THREE HOURS reading him his three bedtime stories. Matt tells her to knock it off already and he waits for her in the master bedroom. Karen walks in and out of Dylan’s room all night until she ends up falling asleep in there.

Mom and Dad, You Rock!

Of course it’s not as satisfying as a steak well done . . .

And when he’s sixteen, Maintain possession of your car keys for as long as you can, Rock family.

Rock On, Wayne. Rock On, Garth. Rock On, to the Johnsons.

Fantastic recap, LG!! I uber-loved your insights on parenting!! Bravo! So. Freakin. True. Not only was this recap hilarious, but soooo astute! My favorite part: grammatical humor killing in recaps! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha!! *wipes tear* Actually, this...would be a lie. *hangs head* As there were many favorite parts, as you can tell by my mucho quote-a-thon above!! Gold = you. *shimmers* And I care not that I went overboard.