Wednesday, January 28, 2015

First Five Sentences #14

TITLE: Smeltertown
GENRE: Mystery

Elias watched the children clumsily wrap a rope around the stiff man’s neck. Despite the heat imploring him to remain in the shade, he thought about walking over and helping, when another adult stepped in and finished the noose for them. The children and nearby parents all burst into cheers as the small man was hoisted up in the air. The man swung back and forth from the tree limb, its movements tracked by the children imagining the treasures buried inside its paper-maché stomach.

10 comments:

Oh, creepy! You did a good job making me think one thing and question why they would do such a thing and why the adults were nonchalant about it only to flip everything around and give me a better sense of the scene with just one word.

I love unreliable narrators, so I'm ok with a little "misleading," but I'm not sure this works for me. It feels too deliberate. I think it's because Elias describes what he's watching in detail, yet continues to refer to the piñata as "the man" over and over, when at some point, it would have been more natural to refer to the piñata as "it" instead of "the man." And that's when it stopped ringing true for me and became a deliberate device. Maybe if you get to the little twist sooner? Cut some details? Anyway, it's definitely an attention getter, and a good opening for a mystery.

Everyone's a bit different in how they feel about a book, but I would stop reading here, because I would feel like the author had really stepped in too far into the story, to go 'ah hah! see! it was all an illusion!'. I'd rather just read the story, than have an author step into the scene, plus I think if you get rid of tricks like these it challenges you as a writer to make something interesting without relying on the easy way out.

I would keep reading, but I didn't like being fooled into a dystopian setting, so count me among those who feel misled by the "stiff man." Another thing that bugged me was "heat imploring," as if the climate were personified. Ignoring those two things, I like your Mexican town square, and the dialogue does a nice job of conveying more details about your MC. Good luck with the story!

Stiff man - little man - the man. All it did was make it seem like you were working too hard to try and 'fool' the reader. The concept was great, but overdone.

This would work better for me because the critical word to tease the imagination is noose, not the man:Elias watched the children clumsily wrap the rope. Despite the heat imploring him to remain in the shade, he thought about walking over and helping, when another adult stepped in and finished the noose for them. The children and nearby parents all burst into cheers as the small man was hoisted up in the air. He swung back and forth from the tree limb, his movements tracked by the children imagining the treasures buried inside its paper-maché stomach.

Wow, I absolutely loved how you tricked the readers right at the beginning. It sets the right tone for a mystery, and it shows readers that you'll be tricking them throughout the length of the story. That is exactly what readers want from a mystery.