Monday, March 31, 2008

It was pretty uneventful, actually. Friday night I went out to celebrate the birthday of the one, the only Andrea Caswell (depicted below as lovable loser Kathy) ---

--- and I got uproariously drunk, for some reason. And then proceeded to stay up until close to 6 AM doing absolutely nothing. Do you ever find yourself up in the wee hours of the morning asking yourself "what the fuck am I doing right now?! Where the fuck did the past four hours go and what occupied them?! I know something did... but can't, for the life of me, pinpoint what that is"... yeah... it was like that...

So I just stayed in most of Saturday being the sizzlingliest hot tranny mess that I could be.

Saturday night saw us 'try something new'. Read: go to a gay bar that's not Buddies. So we ventured to the first time to a joint called El Convento Rico. Apparently it started out as this renowned safe-haven for Latin members of the gay community, and boasts quite an arsenal of Latin drag queens, many of whom have autographed portraits hanging on the wall a-la Sardi's.

We arrived at around 12:30 in the midst of something... I gathered it was a drag show, but couldn't really see anything until we found a suitable point of view... once we found one, I saw what could have been either a particularly ornately attired woman or a typical tranny lip-syncing along to the Spanglish version of Kat Deluna's "Whine Up".

Intermittently, zaftig party girls who were part of a bridal shower would come up and drop it like it was hot, regardless of whether it was hot or not.

Okay, this seems like a drag show. Huzzah's all around.

Then, once that particular drag queen was done, some sprightly Gino dude came up, danced around and lip-synced to Ricky Martin's "Maria". Ummm... okay... so this isn't so much a drag show as much as it is a good old-fashioned AIR BAND CONTEST... hmmm...

Anyway - it was like waltzing into another mothafuckin' world, let me tell ya. One I have little desire to revisit...

In other news that's entirely questionable as to whether or not you'll care about:

Ask anyone who knows me to describe my behavior in general on a Sunday, and they'll say "feline". In that all that I ever do on Sundays is eat and sleep - I truly am the picture of languid.

It's also the only day of the week that I'll watch whatever the fuck is on TV... like whatever the fuck is on TV... like the other week, I actually watched Heartbreakers starring Susan "Sigourney" Weaver and Jennifer Loathe Hewitt... yeah... I really fucking watch anything...

Last Sunday happened to mark what would have been the 100th birthday of screen Goddess Joan Crawford.

Joan Crawford, of course, is Old Hollywood royalty. Having appeared in more than 400 films (or whatever), she started out as a good-old-fashioned hoofer in the chorus line under her birth name, Lucille LeSeur.

Some years later, she was hired as a contract player at MGM Studios, playing bit parts in the silent films of the era. When the talkies arrived - AND BOY, DID THEY EVER! - MGM honcho Louis B. Mayer insisted that she change her name, as he felt LeSeur sounded too much like Sewer. A contest was held to find a new name for the starlet - which kind of seems weird, huh? Like, she was already sort-of established... it'd be like Dreamworks currently having a contest to rename Amy Adams or something... - and the first choice was "Joan Arden". To the chagrin of everyone in the world with the exception of plump Canadian chanteuse Jann Arden, that name was already taken at the time. So plan B was taken instead: Joan Crawford.

I've always kind of been obsessed with Joan Crawford. I remember it randomly started in second year University... I just love the bitches' face more than I can possibly say.

I collected all these pictures of her online and actually had one on my desktop, insisting that she looked like me - a fact that, with the right photoshopped makeup applied, is still stunningly true.

Anyway - imagine my delight when flipping channels discovered that Turner Classic Movie Channel was airing a special entitled "Joan Crawford: The Ultimate Movie Star", which, to my greater delight, is all on the y'tube:

It links to the other 10 parts and it's all just entirely fascinating. It features interviews with countless co-stars, former directors, former paramours, biographers and most notably, her adopted daughter Christina whom she put through years of abuse that were documented in a memoir-turned-film, "Mommie Dearest".

Anyballs...

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

ANITA PAGE

Who: I know it would have been the sort of obvious choice for me to put Joan Crawford, but she's just so far above being ranked by the lowly likes of the blogosphere, that I refuse! Anita Page, if you watched that clip, is that cranky old broad dressed to the nines who recalls working with Crawford on several pictures. Further research discloses that she's one of the last (I think, of three) stars who worked in silent films still alive and even more ass-rockingly of note is that she's the ONLY PERSON STILL ALIVE who was at the first Academy Awards.Why I Loved Her: Anita Page doesn't fuck around. She's older than water but that's not gonna stop her from putting on her Sunday best and talkin' shit about people she's outlived. LOVE IT.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

RUSSELL OLIVER

Who: Self-proclaimed "Cash Man", anyone in the Toronto area can tell you that this man rules the airwaves as far as local advertising time goes. He runs Oliver Jewellery, a shop that purportedly buys used jewellery for big bucks. Apparently - that's bullshit. He offers meagre amounts and then tells people to get out of his face. His amateur-ish commercials run round the clock and make absolutely no sense.Why I Hated Him: He's basically Scrooge McDuck in human form and just so ridiculous he makes me want to vomit. I mainly hate him because that Euro-dance video he made with backup dancers get stuck in my head quite often, though.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Sorry for the absence yesterday. Batshit insanity in the busy-ness department.

First off - thanks so much for everyone who mentioned that the incomparable Sarah Silverman also has a smouldering penchant for BabyBel cheese, one that she spoke about in this clip from when she hosted the Independent Spirit awards...

I totally saw that ages ago. There's very little out there that Miss Silverman has done that I haven't seen multiple times and studied...

Second off - CHIKEZIE'S GONE. Ha. Just like I'd predicted. I know I didn't actually call anything beyond him being in the bottom 3 per se, but that's what I actually predicted - I thought I'd put a hex on the whole thing if I actually committed it to writing. So my plan worked perfectly... muahaha...

Someone else who's plan worked perfectly was Kristy Lee motherfucking Cook. That patriot porn she served up did the trick. It's also cursed me with having Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA" in my head somethin' fierce. My bosses were like "why the fuck are you singing Lee Greenwood's 'God Bless The USA', asshole?" and I was all "BECAUSE I'M ILL!"... It's fucked up...

Thirdly - Some of you have been downright mystified about why I have remained so mum about commenting on this current season of America's Next Top Model. And to you I say - m'I dunno. I guess it's just not the hot button thing that it used to be, in my eyes. I still enjoy it immensely - don't get it twisted, to quote Cycle 5's downright fugly chick with a winning personality, Ebony.

So, to those of you needing to be thrown an ANTM bone, here's sumpthin' for ya...

A few seasons ago I noticed that an exorbitant amount of the girls in said season were downright doppelgangers of celebrities of the then-moment. This season, I'm noticing it as well.

So, here's my assessment of the current crop of America's Next Top Model hopefuls and their celebrity doppelgangers...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I was a little reluctant to at first. After all, they're miniature wheels of cheese encased in their own individual shells of wax - AND WHO THE FUCK HAS THE TIME FOR THAT? Moreover, those commercials depicting someone jumping out of a plane in pursuit of one freak me out... a cheese? That someone would go kamazae over? UNLIKELY!

But yesterday I bought some on sale and HO - LY - FUCK. NUTS. So delicious.

Moving On:

Idol Wrapup...

Ramiele put me to sleep. Well no, she didn't. I was already asleep. Fucking Jeopardy put me to sleep before Idol, but Ramiele - who kicked things off last night - didn't wake me up. Can you believe that? And singing Heart's "Alone"... of course she did... bah... it sucked. So did she. Well, if anything will land her in the bottom 3 at long last, this'll be it. If not - may God help us all. Her constituency (read: Asian-Americans) is stronger and more vigorous than we can possibly imagine.

Jason Castro continues to be adorable if a little underwhelming. What was up with the foreign language portion yet again? Are you trying to suggest that your debut album would be one of world music? Whatevs... he's getting a little "more of the same" but his sincerity saves him. If there's a disco week, he is fucked up to his brain, though...

Syesha worked it out, as she's been prone to doing of late. If only she wasn't so God-damned unlikable. And bitch - PLEASE stop crying like a baby. It's really not the neat, signature party trick you think it is. Nor is your voice as earth shatteringly divatastic as you think it is. Hmmm.

If Chekezie was an hour glass, methinks there is a tablespoon of sand left in the top chamber... tick tock tick tock... shoot... mayyyyybe Chekezie could have been pseudo-famous back in the all black dude vocal ensemble wave of the mid 90's a-la Boyz II Men, All 4 One, Colour Me Badd, Bel Biv Devoe, Dru Hill... the list goes on endlessly... but now, he's just moot. MOOT!

If I was taking Brooke White's performance seriously, I'd say that it's reasonably commendable that she was able to shake off her complete fuck-up at the beginning of her performance of "Every Breath You Take" and it was completely unecessary for the band to join her like they did. But I wouldn't be taking Brooke seriously because I can't standz da bitch no way. Gah... she'll be safe again.

Michael Johns cemented my belief that he would be make a dynamite replacement for Yvan Pedenault in the Mirvish production of "We Will Rock You" if it wasn't closing May 19th - GET YOUR TICKETS NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! (Can you tell I work for Mirvish?) Anyway... m'afraid that's about the most he could amount to... seriously - does anyone get anything authentic off of him? He's like a better-looking, slightly catatonic, Australian version of Constantine Maroulis. Blech.

Carly Smithson still holds the key to my heart, despite her incredibly nervous rendition of "Total Eclipse of the Heart"... I think she needs to take things a little less seriously, but I still love her. She best not be in the Bottom 3 tonight, y'all...

David Archuleta is a Disney character and that's all there is to it. He might as well have been joined on stage by the Famous People Players* bouncing around of mothafuckin' pogo sticks and giving eachother butterfly kisses, his performance of "You're The Voice" was so stomach churningly wretched... Not. My. Thing.

Kristy Lee Cook's performance of "God Bless The USA" might as well capped itself off by her felating a George Washington look alike and taking in the ass by a giant Bald Eagle - I think that's the only possible way it could have pandered to her constituency more. Holy fuck. I was like "Oh fucking no she isn't". I hereby solemnly swear that the next time I mount a stage in a karaoke context, I WILL be singing "God Bless The USA".

David Cook isn't exactly blowing my mind. PEOPLE - he was doing a cover of Chris Cornell's reversioning of "Billie Jean". He did NOT rework that himself. He was covering someone else's originality - don't get so excited. The fact that he has an extensive mental library of reworkings, reversionings and covers does not an Idol make.

Anyballs...

Bottom 3: Presuming that Carly's premature appearance in last week's Bottom 3 will rally her fanbase this week and Shitsy Lee Cock's patriotism sufficiently rallied the 36% of American's that approve of Bush, I'm going to call out Chikezie, Ramiele and in a surprise visit to the B3, Jason Castro... I might be so inclined to predict that it's the end for Ramiele...

That's it...

Super fun post coming tomorrow!!!

--- Aj

*I don't know if you went to that website, but you'll note that the catchphrase that the FPP use is "See You In The Dark". Clever, huh? Also totally stolen. That phrase was created by none other than my dear gal pal Larissa B. Laycock in our fucking commercial class when we were at *barf* Humber in our TV Writing Post-grad course and ripped off by our teacher then and there. And they're STILL fucking using it... wow... anyballs...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sorry for not posting since Thursday. Sorrier still that the fucking photoshopping I did portraying Estelle Getty on the cover of a "mature" watersports video was taken down - I COVERED UP HER NASTY ELDERLY TETTAS AND BEAV! What more do you want, Photobucket?! So fuck it... here it is again...

Yes. Again, I'm terribly sorry for her family. But I'm allowed to my artistic expression. And if that artistic expression involves putting the face of your matriarch on an old broad takin' a leak, SO. BE. IT.

Anyballs...

This past weekend was somethin' else buster.

Friday night saw us venture out to Circa. I believe there's some unnecessary capitalization in there... like CirCa or something... meh... it's not worth it. It's this five-tiered fortress of a club that's impossible to navigate. I have to imagine some horrendous cyborg king sits at the top of it, ruling over everything.

It was SUCH a hassle to get in. Thank God we were joined this evening by the lovely and talented Miss Nicole Arbour, who, wielded her awesome men's magazine appeal to get us into the VIP. Yep. We rocked the VIP. It was definitely a low point of my life.

There are some phrases that I just feel that, if I don't get to utter them but once in my life, well, my life will be incomplete. I remember for the longest time, it was "Physician Heal Thyself!" and I finally got to drag that out two years ago when I worked at this physiotherapy-esque joint.

Well Friday got to see me FINALLY bust out, "I don't like like the vibe in the VIP". YES! My life is that much richer...

Anyballs - Circa was nothing to shout about. Very pricey and very crowded. The music was atrocious. I vamoosed out of there tidily before 1.

Saaaaturday saw me trek to - where else - Buddies... BUT for good reason. To catch a two-night-only, intimate performance by the legendary Carole Pope.

Refresher course on Carole Pope...

Or, rather for many of you, introductory course on Carole Pope...

Carole Pope is the front woman and one half of the creative force behind a legendary Canadian punk/new-wave outfit called Rough Trade whose heyday would have been the mid-70's to the mid-80's when they broke up.

Their renown came from their innovative, aggressively sexual songs like "All Touch", "Crimes of Passion" and their biggest hit, "High School Confidential" (as performed below) all marked by Pope's signature androgynous swagger and BDSM-inspired look...

Anyway. She fucking rocks. She first came to light for me back in '03 or '02 or some year that she was playing pride here. I remember groaning about how no one of any sort of relevance came to play pride and my uncle said that this year's entertainment was Carole Pope. I, of course, said "who?" and my mother - who was also present at the time - said "oh I love Carole Pope". I had absolutely no idea who the balls she was, so my uncle went about schooling me in the rich history of Rough Trade and also that "High School Confidential" was the song that Justin strips to in that episode of "Queer As Folk" when he won the stripping competition, so that brought it home.

Some time after that, I was milling about in a Chapters for some ungodly reason and came across her autobiography, "Anti-Diva". In it, she gives a no holds barred account of her many, many, MANY lesbian love affairs - each one more torrid than the last - and a vivid account of her years spent on the front lines of the punk, disco and new-wave music scene. It was a very fetching read - particularly what she has to say about her affair with Dusty Springfield, whom I fucking love.

Anyballs - she was fantastic. Just transfixing. I didn't know any of the music - because yeah, no, she totally didn't do "High School Confidential"... and I know! That's like Laura Branigan (God rest her soul) not doing "Gloria" - but it was cool. She was just a joy to watch.

Annnnnd that'll be the extent that I see any sort of live music for the rest of the year. An evening well spent.

In other news:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

CAROLE POPE

Who: [See above].Why I Loved Her: Because she's a fierce tranny mess, is why. A consummate pro, magical to watch, still full of a boisterous, aggressive vocal style and watermelon-sized bronzed balls. She's quite a broad. AND - THIS IS SOME HOT TRIVIA - her sister is Elaine Pope. Who's Elaine Pope, you ask? A standup comic and writer and former flame of Jerry Seinfeld's... who directly served as the inspiration for Elaine Benes, is who... so, she's got that going for her too.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

ASHLEY ALEXANDRA DUPRE

Who: Aspiring musician/Former Governor Eliot Spitzer's pick of the Emperor's Club VIP litter for right hand whore. Or, pardon me, escort. Recently set to see her premium soar and enjoy a cushy 15 minutes of fame when she was presented with a 1 million dollar offer to work with Joe Francis' "Girls Gone Wild" empire... that is until they found that years ago, pre-Emperor's Club, bitch had one too many Bacardi Breezers, lost her halter top and unknowingly gave away her milk for free.Why I Hated Her: Oh Ashley Alexandra Ashley Alexandra Ashley Alexandra... my my my... talk about that old fable, "The Fox & The Crow". Jesus. This is sort of an updated version. Sort of. This bitch spends years uppin' the value of her bidness only to have it dashed by some youthful indiscretions. I guess I kinda feel bad for her. Ah well. My love for kicking people when they're down far outweighs that guilt. Anyway... moral of the story kids - DON'T BE A HO.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sorry for the no postage yesterday... I went home from work early and spent it sleeping. Well, sleeping and watching Sex & The City... as a few weeks ago, I made my annual splurge and bought the entire series (seriously... that's a huge deal... I'm a notoriously cheap bitch who never buys nothin', so it's kinda nuts).

I bought it partially in anticipation of getting "Carried" away this April when Sex & The City: The Movie hits theatres, and partially because I was sick to death of watching the hyper-edited and spliced together re-runs airing in syndication, mostly on the Erie, Pennsylvania CBS affiliate on my cable package. For real... I cannot fucking stand those watered down re-runs. It's like the character of Samantha doesn't exist, and when she does, they half-assedly cover up her spicy language. F'rinstance - in the episode where they go to the gay club, "All That Glitters", Samantha goes up to the urinals to scope out the cock. She comes back to the girls, and as it aired originally, says quite jubilantly - "I just saw five dicks!"... then in the watered down re-runs, it translates into "I just saw five [completely different voice in place of Kim Catrall's mouth very clearly saying "dicks"] thingies!".

Not. Cool.

Anyballs... so I'm rewatching S&TC in its entirety now, back to back to back to back - I think I'm either on Season 3 or 4 right now... Charlotte & Trey are trying to have a baby, Aiden just proposed to Carrie, Miranda just found out she's pregnant and Samantha just met Richard - and in my consecutive watching of it, have noticed something I didn't whilst watching it during its initial run: that show's timeline was fucked up somethin' fierce. You might even say, it was a hot tranny mess of a timeline. Might. Fuck - of COURSE you'd say that!

At any given point, they'll suggest time periods that vary from 2 days to 3 months transpire between episodes. It's quite jarring, really. It's a lot to digest in one sitting. But I should be so lucky that that's the worst of my problems...

Anyballs - SPEAKING OF SEX & THE CITY... the most unlikely of sex tapes/nude photos were released to the shock and awe of everyone recently... yeppers, talkin' 'bout Kristin "Charlotte York McDougall Goldenblatt" Davis!

Holy fuck... who saw this one comin'... Not me! Pictured to the right, is the unmistakably cherubic visage of Kristin/Charlotte slobbering all over a great big, skanky cock that's been cropped out, natch.

A photo surfaced of someone who looked an awful lot like Davis/York earlier this week positively mowing down on some dude's beaver cleaver with a promise of more to be found on a porn website. The curious few who did indeed pay the $29.95 for access found no such photos, however.

A scant day after this, more photos were leaked - many assumed that they were accessories to a full-blown sex tape. Immediately, Davis' press rep denied that they were her, despite obvious telltale similarities betwixt Kristy D and the woman pictured - apparently taking a page from the debacle that was Vanessa "Pizza Beav" Hudgens leaked nude photo scandal. For good measure/old times' sake, once again to the left, to the left, is the aforementioned photo of a nude Vanessa-Anne Hudgens with her unmentionable bits obscured by objects similar in size, shape and composition. I just never tire of seeing that.

Now TMZ has reportedly unearthed the whole story. The photos were taken back in 1992 by her then-boyfriend, a New York chef named Eric Stapleman.

Apparently he got pissed at Kristin recently and sold them to a third-party. This third-party then sold it to a fourth-party and now they're online and everyone's now blissfully abreast of what Charlotte's once-sacred business looks like.

Of course, this all beckons PUBLICITY MACHINE! Very convenient that pictures of Charlotte's beav are leaked just as the publicity for the S&TC movie begineth. Very convenient.

Points for innovation. The obvious choice to have a sex tape leaked would have been Kim Cattrall/Samantha... Cynthia Nixon and her portly lesbian lover would have horrified everyone beyond repair, and everyone knows that SJP and Matthew Broderick live sexlessly as each others' beards... so Kristin Davis/Charlotte having a intimate property released is the most buzz-creating and unlikeliest choice...

Now [completely believable to the point that no one is batting an eye] rumours are swirling that Lindsay Lohan has a sex tape. And Amy Winehouse has nude pictures leaked... And that high-priced skank who sexed up disgraced New York governor Eliot Spitzer was offered 1 mil to do something in Girls Gone Wild only to have it discovered that she had already given the milk away for free several years earlier on one of their previous editions...

I'd like to extend my deepest apologies to her family. I'm so, so sorry I just did that.

In other news:

Last night marked the departure of two of my favourite hot tranny messes of reality television history: Amanda Overmyer from American Idol and Marvita from America's Next Top Model.

Sadness abounds.

Firstly, yes yes yes I know I missed my Idol recap yesterday. I was sick. Deal with it. All I basically would have said is that Archuleta regained his steam, Carly was amazing, Kristy Lee Cook needs to die and that harmonica part of the song that Ramiele sang is haunting my dreams. I then would have predicted that the bottom three would consist of Kristy Lee, Amanda and Michael Johns with Kristy Lee making her eagerly anticipated exeunt, without flourish.

Of course, that's not how things panned out. Instead, resident rocker-grrrl Amanda Overmyer was sent packing whilst Krusty-Lee Cock continues the proud tradition of Haley Scarnato before her. I can't tell you how much I would have given to see Amanda under the tutelage of upcoming mentor Mariah Carey. When hairy met scary. Oh shit. Ah well. T'wasn't meant t'be.

And Marvita. Oh Marvita. Poor lanky hood rat Marvita. I really liked her, but she just gave up. As Tranny Banks said, she gave up on the competition before the competition gave up on her. Too bad. She looks like some haute-couture version of a dog about to put to sleep in that picture. Boo-urns.

Monday, March 17, 2008

On top of my assfucking toe - which is doing better... in that I'm now just in pain and general discomfort, as opposed to be completely debilitated... so like, I don't hobble along the periphery of a hallway with the elderly and other disabled people anymore... BUT STILL.

Anyway... now I've got this sniffle bullshit and my head is like a haunted Maritimey ports mouth, it's so cloudy. Which is going to make my stint hosting the SketchComedyLounge and the Rivoli tonight go extra smoothly, I'd have to bet.

Holy fuck, y'all. I am going to be a hot tranny mess this evening.

Which, by the way, is I think the new standard greeting for everyone in the world as of this past week, thanks largely in part to this little offering from last week's SNL:

You don't even understand - EVERYONE I know has adopted the pet name "tranny" and everyone that they know and so on and so on. A conversation that took place Sunday morning on the phone betwixt Yerxa, Anth and myself... "Yeah Tranny... I don't know what Tranny was thinking... Oh - hold on... it's Tranny on the other line... [switches lines] Hey Tranny, I'm on the other line with Tranny". IT'S GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.

Who: Harvard Law School Graduate-turned-Corporate Lawyer-turned-wife of recently disgrace New York Governor/Frequent Call Girl User/Outright hypocrite-turned-Podium accessory.Why I Loved Her: I just figure it's been a rough week for the bitch, and she could probably use some love. Holy fuck. Can you even imagine being her? First - your fucking husband, who famously champions against the sex trade and pornography industry, is caught spending close to 100 grand on a call girl (who, btw, ain't even that cute... shoot) then, to protect yourself and your daughters who in no way asked to be in this situation, have to go and drag your sorry, demeaned ass up onto a podium alongside your positively squalid lying shitbag of a husband while he seeks penance from the public all the while thinking to yourself "Sildie, would it have killed ya to give up some poon once in a while?" Holy fuck. I don't envy your position, bitch.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

SALLY KERN

Who: Objectively: Oklahoma House Representative/Staunch "Christina"/Lover of "facts"/Purchaser of hideous pantsuits. Subjectively: Basically the dumbest bitch alive. I can't say I've ever wished heart-bursting death on anyone as much as I've wished it on this dumb bitch.Why I Hated Her: Wasn't that about the most audacious thing you've ever heard? And this woman ACTUALLY believes the shit that she's spewing. High point of that speech: when she clarifies things and says "now, I'm not gay bashing"... saying that it's factually a dangerous lifestyle, stating the fact about suicides... yeah... the reason that gay people fucking commit suicide in the first place is because they're likely in situations where they're surrounded by evangelic psychopaths like you who make it impossible for them to live! The kakamamiest thing, however, has to be when she says that "the homosexual agenda is a greater threat than terrorism and Islam". Wow. This woman is a scorchingly hot tranny mess. And not in a good way.

Friday, March 14, 2008

So, yesterday, I went to go and shoot a Video On Trial and 10:30 AM. Yes, AM. Holy fuck. I got up at 8:30 and was like "oh no... this isn't going to happen... I'm going to have the fucking energy level of Charlie Rose..." But after about 8 cups of tea and my daily dose of the previous day's "The View" piping out of my VCR, I managed to shake the blahs and was my reasonably energetic self.

Whilst hobbling out to my street to attempt to catch a cab, the greatest thing in the world happened to me: I bailed. Wiped out. Head over tea kettle. Yep. And just started swearing incessantly. And old man who was near me at the time asked me if I "tripped on the fire plug" or something and I was just in no mood... I barked "What the fuck are you talking about bitch! I don't got time fo' dis!" and flagged a cab.

So it's official - the world is trying to kill me. Like Dominic "Charlie" Monahan on Lost. Speaking of which - did anyone watch that last night? Holy balls. If you didn't, you missed perhaps the greatest bitchslap in the history of bitchslaps - what happened was a Sun and Jin (the Korean hotties) decide they're going to relocate to another camp, but Juliet (played to perfection by Elizabeth Mitchell... whom it's been long established that I fuckinglove) will have none of it - so to prevent them from going, Juliet blurts out that Sun had an affair before they got on the island...

Well, Sun struts over the Juliet - and because usually, this chick is just about as docile as a lapdog no one sees it coming by a mile - and just fucking BITCH SLAPS Juliet half way around the world. It was all I could do to cheer. It was amazing...

I wish I could find a clip, but I couldn't. DAMMIT!

B'aaanyway...

In other news: David "Stripper who performed for a mostly male audience" Hernandez was given the boot on Wednesday, and I couldn't be more pleased. Also, I can't help but think it's 90% because I posted a picture of him with his pubes hangin' out. Yes.

I've read a few exit interviews with him since his ouster and he's very serious. He's very much someone who subscribes to this "God has other plans for me" rhetoric. Yeah, She/He does. She plans for you to go back to twirling your great big, skanky, uncut Hispanic sausage around for creepy older gay gentlemen for dolla bills. Maybe while you sing "Papa Was A Rolling Stone".

Seriously, the most that's going to happen for this guy is that maybemaybemaybe he'll score a part in a regional production of The Full Monty: The Musical or something. I'm so sick of hearing these fucking eliminees speak of having lofty dreams and say "this is just the beginning". NO. IT'S NOT. HISTORICALLY, IT'S REALLY, REALLY NOT. You really need to win at this phase of the Idol machine if you want to be successful, and even then it's not a guarantee.

Then they sight Jennifer Hudson, who finished a disappointing seventh place, then some years later scored the role of a lifetime, won an Oscar for it and now has a career as a bona fide film star.

Okay... here's one... it's everyone in the world's role model - Phoebe Price (who? Exactly. All she does is go to red carpet things... she doesn't do anything beyond that - with her sister... I mean, a pig...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I should probably ice the bitch or something. But I hate it when my feet are cold - it's so uncomfortable! Blah!

Yesterday as I was making my way home at around 5:30-ish - so the dead of rush hour - trains were evacuated due to a "medical emergency" at Sherbourne station. Read: Some INCREDIBLY selfish asshole decided to commit suicide - both of their life and my comfort.

I poured up to street level to try and catch a cab, which was going to be virtually impossible in this rush hour crowd of uppity commuters all wishing to do the same. I hobbled almost all the way to Church & Wellesley, seeing cabs whiz by me as if I were invisible. I'm not gonna lie - I was about to give up. I was just about to crawl into an alley and die... I swear... you know how wounded animals do that? Crouch into the most far, darkest corner of a pantry and just wait for the clock to run out? I totally get that now.

Then a heroic prince named Mahmoud came to my rescue with his fair steed and whisked me home. Huzzah!

Anyballs --- I really need to stop writing about this toe shit. I refuse to have this blog be all about my toe! It's like I'm that person who was going to commit suicide, set a year-long expiration date and then started a blog to document their final days (only to end up not committing suicide because of the community that developed as a result of the blog) - only much, much, MUCH less interesting.

No matter...

A few things:

1.) Mariah Carey is subbing in for Janet on SNL this weekend!!!

Yep. That's pretty much it. Janet was supposed to musically guest this Saturday with host Jonah "how is it that this man has remotely succeeded in a visual medium" Hill, but because of a nasty bout with the flu - PS... does EVERYONE have the flu right now? Does no one take heed and get they'ze damn flu shots except for me? My mother gives me mine every Christmas, and I have this really annoying habit of laughing hysterically whilst and when I get needles... it's really creepy and embarrassing... but I digress -

Anyballs - Mariah has not musically guested for nigh on 10 years now and has yet to appear in a sketch. I'm hoping she jumps in there a time or two this episode...

2.) Idol Last Night!

Syesha: Spirited. A little pitchy. All things considered, one of the better performances of the night, however - ill-timed. Historically, the first person who's performed the inaugural week of the Top 12 shows has been in the bottom 3. People just can't be expected to remember that fucking far back.

Chekezie: came out of nowhere. Exciting performance and really spun everyone on their head starting with that bluegrassy shit. He's effectively borrowed some more time. But like, really... is that Idol material? No no no no no... he's about as equipped to be a solo artist as Nathan Morris or, perhaps, Wanye Morris from Boyz II Men...

Ramiele actually put me to sleep. I'm not lying. I was laying on m'bed at the time, and bitch was like the aural equivalent to a bottle of Nyquill. I'd be absolutely confounded to see her safe after that.

Jason Castro was phenom, again. I liked it. I disagree with the 'college dude with a guitar' thing because I know many of those dudes and I couldn't stand when they fucking did that... for real... guys with guitars were the bane of my existence in University... it was just this instant conversation killer. Anyway - I thought the whole thing was touching and adorable. We'll see how much longer Jason can keep that obliviousness and honesty up before his head enters his ass...

Carly Smithson continues to be my favourite person ever. "Come Together" - How the fuck awesome was that?! It was definitely a star-making performance and the indisputably best of the night...

I'm kind of over David Cook. Yes he does what he does well, but is he at all charismatic. I don't think so. I'm kind a sense that people are falling for the combination that A.) he occupies a concept (namely: Emo rocker) and B.) he's competent. I get a far more Constantine Maroulis-esque fate from him rather than a Daughtry-esque fate...

Brooke White crawls up a notch above "meh" for me this week. I don't know if I'd say that what she did was the result of raw emotion or sincerity, but rather out of hysteria and nerves. Hard to tell. Who the fuck knows? Bleaty McBleaterson will be around for a while.

David "Stripper for a Mostly-Male Audience" Hernandez told tales of working in a pizza bistro. Is that what they're calling it or nowadays? Or is it that I could waltz into a Piziola and get tea bagged? Whatever the case, his widely lauded performance ability is turning out to look less like raw talent and more like "Up With People"-esque serviceability. PS - WE CAN SEE YOUR PUBES IN THAT PICTURE!!! AHHHHH!!!

Amanda Overmyer is kinda sorta starting to get it. She could look a little less displeased to be there, but she brings a very distinct flavour to the competition, no doubt. One thing that's starting to annoy me: how she randomly inserts "child" (pronounced: chahld) into her phrasing. She should last another week, though...

Michael Johns bores me to tears. Anyone with me? He's got a nice voice. I'm sure he'd make a killing in musical theatre or something, but he's just so terribly bland it makes me heave. That sexy accent will only be able to pull him so far...

Kristy Lee Cook still makes me want to wretch. Find me one person on this earth who found that countrified take on "8 Days A Week" anything other than appalling and I'll give you a handful of a snozberries (and I know... "who ever heard of a snozberry"... that's the point... they're nonexistent/rare). I still don't know if that's enough to boot this bitch, though... *sigh*

David Archuleta ate it. Hard. The whole thing reeked of inconstancy - to say that the cracks are starting to show is the understatement of the year. I will say that he had the most awesomely obvious lyric blackouts ever though... ACTUALLY saying "hmm mmm hmph vmmm" where lyrics were supposed to be... after that, somewhere Wayne Brady and the "Don't Forget The Lyrics" crew are battling a boner that won't go down for months...

As much as Kristy Lee Cook SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD go, she totally won't. In fact, I'd wager her not even being in the bottom three. I'm going to call Syesha, Ramiele and David Hernandez in the bottom three with David being the first to safety and in the third minor shocker of the season, an especially pissed-off Syesha will be sent unpacking... replete with dozens of pans to a shocked and slightly guilt-ridden Kristy Lee Cook looking on...

3.) Is this really Tom Cruise?

Confirm or squelch that this picture is actually of Tom Cruise...

If it turns out to be real, I can't imagine Xenu is going to sleep too soundly tonight... Thetans, am I right? Yeah, you know I am.

That's gonna be it for today.

I'm in the semi-finals for the Great Canadian Laugh-Off tonight at Yuk Yuk's downtown.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to perform stand up comedy tonight when the operative of "stand up comedy" is "stand up". Hmmm.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

So it's fucking broken. BROKEN. And there's only one universal treatment for broken toes (except for the big one... since something like %50 of your body's weight falls on it, it requires a cast and crutches) which is ice the bitch, stay off the bitch as much as necessary and suck it the fuck up, bitch.

MmmmmHmmmm. And do you know how long this bullshit is supposed to last for?! UPWARDS TO AND INCLUDING (but not limited to) FOUR MOTHERFUCKING WEEKS!!! That's right... I'm going to be hobbling at tortoise speed for quite sometime... and you can forget gayin' it up... well, actually, you can really forget doing anything that requires walking for more than 50 paces.So as you can imagine, I'm terribly pleased with this situation.

The toe itself looks less like a cock, but a cock nonetheless. I can't tell you how much fucking stand up I'm doing in the coming weeks that this is going to absolutely en-feeble me for... I honestly have to imagine I'll have to do it in sock feet... fuck...

I'm not a very good cripple, as you can tell.

Whatevs... I'm over it... well that's a complete lie - you full blown know that this blog is going to transform itself into some fucking "wounded toe journal" for the next month... oh well...

I missed doing a Top 10 last week. And, seeing as this is the first night of finals on American Idol, season 7, I thought I'd do a 'down that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime...

Here's my Top 10 [Non-Obvious] Greatest Performances in the History of Idol!!!

Qualifier: When I say non-obvious, that's what I mean. I guess I could have also used to term "unappreciated" or "underrated" instead... Basically what I mean is that there will be no mention of the obvious high-points like Carrie Underwood doing "Alone" or Fantasia doing "Summertime" or Blake Lewis doing "You Give Love A Bad Name" or Constantine doing "Bohemian Rhapsody"... none of those universally lauded performances - this list is meant to make you go "oh yeah... that's right... that was good..."

And we Begineth [Paltrow]...

10.) Carrie Underwood - "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"

Who: Winner, Season 4What: Top 3 week, Carrie's personal pickWhy: If you could give a physically depressed vagina a microphone, it would sing "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. This is the song that so many high school seniors lost their virginity to in the back of a van back in 1983. I was understandably sceptical when I heard that every one's favourite robotic Rodeo princess would be tackling this, but to my shock, awe, pleasure and delight - she turned this shit out. Carrie fucking wrestled this beast to the ground, hog-tied it and ripped its heart out of its chest. After she held that last note for a week and a half, THAT is when I was convinced she'd be the most successful Idol alum ever.Obvious Alternative: Billboard Number 1's, "Alone" by Heart

9.) Paris Bennett - "These Foolish Things"

Who: 5th Place, Season 5What: Her rendition of the Billie Holiday classic on "Great American Songbook" night.Why: Paris' ability to channel jazz legends right down to the most particular affectation was downright chilling. As in holy fuck y'all, somebody call da Ghostbustas. No where else was this applied more beautifully than this tingle-inducing performance that charmed the pants off of even the one, the only, Rod Stewart. And if it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for you MOTHERFUCKER!Obvious Alternative: Her initial audition, "Take Five"

8.) Kimberley Locke - "Home"

Who: 3rd place, Season 2What: Stephanie Mills classic from the movie "The Wiz" on movie nightWhy: First things first: I love Kimberley Locke. She's very overlooked when it comes to successful Idol alum, actually. She's had 7 Top 10 hits (yes, on the Adult Contemporary chart... but three of those went to Number 1), sold oodles of albums and has a massive gay following thanks to a love affair with the remix and a willingness to play each and every gay pride festivity that will have her. Anyballs - although it took her a while to find her footing in Season 2, she was well on her way when she belted out this mega-theatrical power ballad. They way that she can effortlessly control that fucking wrecking ball of a voice of hers is truly commendable - I always thought she sounded like Daphne Rubin-Vega in power-balladeer form.Obvious Alternative: "New York State of Mind" on Billy Joel night

7.) Bo Bice - "Drift Away"

Who: 2nd place, Season 4What: First performance, first week of semi-finals, first time that Bo had been shown singingWhy: Back in Season 4, it was established that there were two 'rockers' (read: two contestants with long hair). The heavily pimped producer's pet, Constantine Maroulis, and some other scraggly dude quirkily named Bo Bice. No one had any idea who he was or what his deal was - until he busted out this little ditty and got everyone to clap above their hands excitedly in unison. An underdog was born... ... .... (and then died, as everyone knows that he eventually succumbed to Season 4's eternal front runner, Carrie Underwood, who has continued to dwarf him in the real world...)Obvious Alternative: The hauntingly acapella "In A Dream", Bo's choice on Top 3 night

6.) Diana DeGarmo - "Don't Cry Out Loud"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 3What: Clive Davis' pick, Top 3 nightWhy: Say what you will about Diana DeGarmo and her swinelike qualities (well, Muppet-style swinelike qualities) but after she sang every last trace of shit out of this Melissa Manchester classic, no one could argue that she couldn't sing. Humorous: Imagine throwing her off a building on that last note... "Remember You Almost Had It Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll..."Obvious Alternative: "Turn The Beat Around" on Disco/Donna Summer night

Palette Cleanser: Haley Scarnato - "If My Heart Had Wings"

WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't know why I hate this song/find it so hilarious, but I just do.

5.) Vonzell Solomon - "I'll Never Love This Way Again"

Who: 3rd Place, Season 4What: Clive Davis' pick on Top 3 NightWhy: Is it absolutely just me, or was Vonzie the most underrated contestant in American Idol history? Like, really - is it just me or is/was this bitch just as talented as Beyonce? Like really - she was fucking fierce. She could sing the shit out of anything, she was gorgeous and ferociously personable. I don't get why a bigger deal was never made about her... and reeeally don't get why she's gone on to do absolutely nothing since... oh well... Anyway - on her swan song, Vonzie worked the shit out. Like for realsies - I find that to be a master class in singing. Bonus points for the Brenda Dickson-style reveal at the beginning...Obvious Alternative: "Best Of My Love" on Billboard Number 1's week

4.) Clay Aiken - "Unchained Melody"

Who: 2nd Place, Season 2What: Clay's pick, Top 3 nightWhy: No secret: I'm not achin' for Aiken. I find him to be a deplorable hot mess who needs to keep his mouth shut and his skanky dick in his pants and out of the unprotected assholes of AWOL marines. But his take on this Righteous Brothers classic was devastating...Obvious Alternative: "Bridge Over Troubled Water"... or "Somewhere Out There"... or fucking "Solitaire"... or one of the million other power ballads he sang to death...

3.) Kelly Clarkson - "Without You"

Who: Winner, Season 1What: Judge's pick, Top 3 NightWhy: The original Idol with the platinum pipes, Kelly did a note-for-note perfect rendition of this Foreigner/Mariah Carey gem that proved exactly how world class the bitch is and was. AND - this was back when Idol was run super-sketchily and they were all being overworked beyond belief and their voices were cracking and they were being rushed to the hospital for dehydration and shit! These new Idols don't even know!Obvious Alternative: "Natural Woman" on 60's night

2.) Fantasia - "What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life"

Who: Winner, Season 3What: Second selection, Big-Band NightWhy: Perfection, anyone? This was a fucking Oscar-worthy performance, if y'ask me. Of a song I'd never heard before, but fell in love with instantly after watching Tasia absolutely murder it. Really, there wasn't anything that Fantasia did do that wasn't considerably better than what ya usually see on that show, though. And it absolutely makes my head spin to think that she had to learn all these songs phonetically. Holy fuck.Obvious Alternative: Uhhh, "Summertime", obviously

But

There

Can

Only

Be

1.) Jennifer Hudson - "Share Your Love With Me"

Who: 7th Place, Season 3-cum-Oscar WinnerWhat: Initial AuditionWhy: I remember back in Season 3, I was in 4th year University. It was my final semester and I was in the finishing stages of a Queen's Players show I was directing and the middle of a sort-of long-distance relationship with this dude in Toronto. We would tele-conference nearly every night, and, of course, one of the hot topics was American Idol. At this exact point, they were still in the middle of countless audition episodes. I think they'd just shown William Hung or something. I can remember coming home that night, calling him - not having seen the night's episode yet - and the first thing out of his mouth was "there was a big black lady on tonight you're going to like very much". Truer words have never been spoken. From the second this bitch opened her mouth, I knew. And she has yet to disappoint.Obvious Alternative: "Circle Of Life" on Elton John week

Monday, March 10, 2008

Well, it's a reference to my feet... because, you see, if there's one person who's most definitely NOT a candidate for foot fetish porn right now, it's me.

Saturday night: in a fit of drunken 'shenanigans', some play-fighting went a titch too far and a toe on my right foot (not the middle toe, not the baby toe, but that useless one between those two) bore the positively elephantine brunt of someone.

Currently, it's so swollen, it looks like a penis. A great big, skanky, scarlet-red penis with a dwarfed toe-nail on the end of it. It's not too glamorous. I thought about taking a picture of it, but really, it's so gross.

So I can barely walk. I'm someone who's very "Point A to Point B in the quickest amount of time" so this is driving me MAD. I'm fucking hobbling everywhere like a wounded wildebeest. I'm officially like one of those exceptionally slow elderly people that I hate - and will STILL hate after this has healed, make no mistake about it... no no no no no - this will absolutely not give me any sort of perspective into what it feels like to be someone who's mobility-challenged... I'll still find those people annoying as hell. Well, I might be sympathetic for them for like, a week. But after that I'll be back to rolling my eyes, snarling and baring my upper teeth at them...

Anyballs... this weekend in Toronto sucked. We were lambasted by snow, yet again. This has really got to stop. Holy fuck. Like, it's just never ending at this point. Particularly if I'm given crutches, watch out. Me trying to manoeuvre crutches for the first time in my life and in the the thick of the snowiest winter we've ever had in Toronto... Fuck that. I'll take disability. I wonder if I can do that. Hmmm...

Anyballs, Pt 2. -

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

DANNY NORIEGA

Who: Big-voiced elfin Emosexual/13th-place finisher on Season 7 of American Idol.Why I Loved Him: What is conceivably not to love? The first unabashedly out semi-finalist in American Idol history, Danny sassed and snapped his way through whatever Simon could dish out. Beyond that, he served as a positively glowing example to teenage homos that's sorely needed right now in the wake of a string of teenage homo murders, or rather, teenage homo-cides. Beyond THAT, his little emo vlogs that have surfaced (like the one above - TAKE THAT, CHRISTMAS! *SNAP*) are fierce.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LISA RINNA

Who: I know. Who exactly is this bitch and how did she get famous? Her big 'acting' credits are as some pseudo-vixen on daytime soap-opera, Days Of Our Lives, which she parlayed into playing another pseudo-vixen on night-time soap-opera, Melrose Place. She then parlayed that into a hosting gig on TV Guide Channel's Soap Talk and competed on some season of Dancing With The Stars. She now does stunningly-informed work at various red carpet events for E!, as per evidenced above...Why I Hated Her: Beyond the fact that her face is irreconcilably busted, and that she's someone who would gleefully attend the opening of an envelope... DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH, ASSHOLE! I have problems believing that you're too busy practicing pursing your lips in the mirror to take 2 fucking minutes out of your day and Google Amy Adams. GOOD GRIEF!

Speaking of Amy Adams... her SNL was a little underwhelming this weekend... the standout sketch, for me, was the last one - which seems to be a recurring theme of late... "Lady Business" was the last sketch of the Tina Fey episode... Ellen Page's coming-out sketch was the last sketch last week... hmmm... - anyway, the sketch centred around 4 single girl friends going out to a bar continually performing a dance they did back in high-school to varying tempos, pretending like they were reluctantly forced to do it... They did it at normal speed to Rihanna's "Umbrella", then double-time to REM's "It's The End of the World", then half-time to Peaches & Herbs' "Reunited" THEN they did it to one guy's chime-y cell phone ring! AMAZING!

I totally knew girls like that in high school. Girls who got together for talent shows and made up thoroughly uninspired dance routines that you know they dig out every time they're gathered together and preface it by saying "Oh God! I wonder if I even remember it... let's see... does it go like - "

Friday, March 07, 2008

Everyone's favourite chola boychild, Danny Noriega, got the boot in an unprecedentedly emotional episode of American Idol last night.

I returned home last night from my first night hosting at the downtown Yuk Yuk's club (something, by the by, that I didn't think I'd get to do for years so I'm super excited and happy that I got to and it went fantastically! yay!) only to find that Kady Malloy and Luke Menard were given the boot, to the surprise of no one.

Kady seemed ready. Her song was pretty brutal though. She was madly out of tune. It's like she was a brass instrument and she just went through a car wash 3 times. Eek. Luke Menard, on the other hand, should really consider dabbling in gay porn, or at least gay-for-pay porn. He's kind of hot, not gonna lie.

Anyway - upset no. 1 of the night - Kristy Lee Cook stays in favour of Asia'H Epperson. It was that song, honey. Do me a favour everyone who ever competes on Idol in the future: NEVER SING WHITNEY HOUSTON'S "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY". You WILL be kicked off immediately. It was super sad. She was super pretty (in a sort of CW sitcom sort of way), had a fantastic, unique voice and her dad died. Shitty.

However, no one could have possibly prepared themselves for what was coming next. Danny Noriega is passed over for Chikezie. A million homos scream "NO!!!" to the heavens simultaneously. Well, not all of them. But still...

Oooh-howdy I was pissed off. And that's strange. Typically, I've got gallons of haterade and blind jealousy going for gays who are granted access to a public forum - particularly when they define their entire being by their culture and the cliches wherein (*cough*Sean Gehon*cough*) - but not Danny. I loved that little he-chola. He was so ballsy and I liked that. I can relate. Whatwhatwhat.

Anyballs...

BITCH SALAD HAPPENED ON TUESDAY!

Here's my requisite recap...

First things first, the mix I made before hand was amazing. Holy fuck. I outdid myself, if I do say so myself. I fucking LOVED it. Which is great, because that pleases my key demographic and the only person who actually cares about the music beforehand - me. Good grief.

First comic of the night was the one, the only SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Here's Shannon's story: at the age of 21, she moved to Toronto from Saskatchewan, where she'd been hitting the open mic scene for a year and a half. This is the early 90's. Shannanigan's style is loose, sly and sexually aggressive. She's told for years that 'she's too dirty' and 'people don't want to see women on stage talking about stuff like that'. This is a pre-Sex & The City world, mind you - before it was 'discovered' that women actually did talk like that. I think it's so important that female comics today realize the uphill battles she's had to trek and the dead ends she's needed to bust through to blaze that trail. Hmph.

B'aaanyway. Shannon is someone who talks to the audience, and she's the best. That terrifies me. TERRIFIES. I could never - at least, right now - throw caution and my act to the wind, ask someone "where are you from?" and materialize 5 minutes of funny stuff out of that, let alone the half an hour that Shannon can. It's mystifying.

Next up were the thoroughly hilarious Jan Caruana and Stefanie Drummond! So you know that my big thing was "holy fuck! It's the chicks from Mean Girls!"... yeah... guess who COMPLETELY FORGOT TO EVEN MENTION THAT THEY WERE IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE WHEN HE INTRODUCED THEM... ... ... in case there's any sort of confusion there, I'm talking about me. Yeah.

Anyballs, they came up and their schtick consisted of talking shit about Lindsay Lohan. It was hilarious and little more complex than it sounds. The premise was that they'd go up and talk about all these nice things she did while she was in town filming Mean Girls (ie. placing puppies in adoption programs, educating orphans on the street) but make it sound like she was doing these crazy cunty things... it was hilarious.

And of course I got Stef to deliver that line "Everyone thinks I'm a slut because I wear super jumbo tampons. But it's not my fault that I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina". That was kind of the high point of my life. I get the impression that Stef's a little sick of saying it though. I guess her and the "where's the beef" lady have more in common than I had previously thought.

Next up - Rebecca Kohler!!! There's nothing that I love more at The 'Salad than taking a young, attractive, contemporary female comic with fantastic material and sass to spare who I see struggle with a typical 'comedy club' audience that can't digest a female comic who's not Rita Rudner-esque and seeing them KILL IT with the Bitch Salad audience. That was the case with Katherine Ryan, that was the case with Sara Hennessey, and that was certainly the case with Rebecca. It was the only time that I really saw her material done justice by the audience and it was FANTASTIC to see!

She also booked a Video On Trial off of the night, so that's a bonus, too. = ) --- More of a bonus is that I'm on the episode as well. So holy fuck it's just a win/win/win/win/win.

Inessa Frantowski blows my fucking mind. First off - the girl is just lovely. You couldn't ask for a lovlier person, really. Second off - the character she did was AMAZING. I didn't take a picture of it and I'll rue that for the rest of my life. She was bedecked in a short gray wig, a short sleeve plaid shirt and high-waisted kahkis that came up easily past her navel. The character was this really stammery, tangential, over-sensitive middle-aged woman who over-explained and justified things talking about how she wished she could have done something heroic at 9/11. You just had to be there. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

In a new segment at the 'Salad, my dear gal-pal and burgeoning comic genius Heidi Brander took the stage to deliver some hard-hitting news through the use of puns. Yes, PUNS. Heidi can weave puns like no other... the feature was called "Headlines: With News Corres-PUN-dant Heidi Brander". In betwixt each item, a slide whistle would sound to absolutely hilarious consquences. Check this shit out:

An historic section of downtown Toronto was destroyed recently, as a fire guttedseveral buildings on Queen West. Though the blaze was devastating, firefightersexpressed relief that it did not originate in Greektown… because it’s reallyhard to put out a Greece fire.

Relations between the Chinese andthe Taiwanese governments are at an all-time low. One explanation for this couldbe that the delegates from both countries have Taipeipersonalities.

According to a recent poll in celebrity gossip magazine UsWeekly, 80% of males aged 18-35 are fans of Angelina Jolie, 60% of women aged49-65 are fans of Tom Cruise, and a whopping 98% of dyslexic gamblers are fansof Jack Black.

Development officers have announced plans to set up an NGOto support the marginalized members of Toronto’s bisexual community. When askedwhat the newly established bisexual NGO will be called, officials responded,“B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O…”

Just in time for High School Musical3, Disney has announced plans to release a life-size Zac Efron doll.Unfortunately for Canadians, the doll will only be available in the UnitedStates, meaning the Zac Efron doll is likely not worth the cost of shipping. Butit’s TOTALLY worth the cost of handling.

Yes. It was a thrilling debut. I was all too pleased.

Then of course, there's Debra DiGiovanni. What can I possibly say about Debra that hasn't been said? She's one of the biggest names and freshest voices in comedy today. And one of the fucking nicest people you'll ever meet. All too often when you start out - I think, with anything... but especially in show biz - you meet people that you idolize or who've been really successful and you build yourself up for this momentous experience with greatness and you're just COMPLETELY let down about how a.) boring or b.) much of an asshole they are. Not Debra. I first met Debra two years ago - March, 2006. I was doing an all-new material night and she was hosting. I met her backstage right before I went on and she was immediately familiar and gracious.

Anyballs - since then I am just so delighted beyond belief whenever I've had the opportunity to work with her. She's truly a class act. Moreover, the fact that I know her has gotten me laid - on more than one occasion, btw - doesn't hurt, either.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Well it was another gruesome battle, but the Bitches You Loved and Hated for February have been decided...

Narrowly beating out my personal pick, LeiLani Billard, for Bitch You Loved In February, none other than the lovely and talented Tina Fey!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Loved in January, Carol Channing, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

And, to my personal surprise and delight, the Bitch YOU Hated in February was none other than hysterical cooter-chompee, Chola CuchiMuncho!!!

She'll go up against the Bitch You Hated in January, Tom Cruise, and 10-as-yet-unnamed others...

Second things second:

IDOL.

BOYS.

Luke Menard is gone. Singing Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", something tells me he'll never be waking up. In that he'll be sleeping. In that he'll be dead because he's gone. Going first + bad song choice + cynical-yet-inoffensive comments from the judges = gone.

David Archuleta continues his stranglehold on complete and utter Idol domination. He was able to serve up the exact same convincing flavour of cheese that Phil Collins did. Again, not my thing but I get it. So magnanimous of him to sing that in order to draw attention to the plight of the homeless. Somebody's going to heaven!

Danny Noriega is fierce. I have said it before and I will say it again. Fresh off the heels of some old myspace video blogs of him sporting a dew rag, swearing and proclaiming he's gay he goes and does the most audaciously faggy thing ever on that show - sings Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" with purple streaks up in his head... FIERCE! I am crossing everything that can be crossed on my body that he makes the Top 12...

Resident "stripper who had performed fully nude for a mostly-male crowd" David Hernandez stood out more for those shocking revelations than for his take on "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"? What's coming back to you now, David? The genital warts you contracted by tea-bagging skeezy old dudes in the strip joint you worked at for 'a mostly-male audience'? Someone get him some oigggnment, shoot.

Michael Johns did "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds and Randy said that he did Michael Hutchence of INXS proud. Whoops. From what I remember - if I try really hard - is that he did a pretty serviceable rendition of it. But the irony is that after that, I do think people will forget about him...

David Hook donned his axe once again and did a very emo-ized version of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" - a really, isn't Lionel emo enough as it is? No no no - he did a very good job of it. I still get a very "Comic Book Guy" from The Simpsons-vibe from him, though.

Jason Castro should have sung "Lost In Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson because that's what happens to me when I watch him perform/speak. The man is a dreamboat - and I almost never subscribe that kind of shit. Like literally, I've been hot for Jonathan Brandis (may God rest his soul) and Jason Castro. I thought he did brilliantly tonight - great song choice. I'm really happy to see him gaining steam. It's very reminiscent of Bo Bice's rise to front runner status circa Season 4.

And then there's Chikezie. [Sung like the Maude theme song] "And then there's Chikezie! And then there's Chikezie!"... ummm, yeah... that kinda works better with a one-syllable name... no matter... Bah... he would have been prime candidate to be sent homeward-bound alongside Luke Menard, but now, because of his pimp-spot placement, he'll be causing and upset tonight.

GIRLS

Asia'H Epperson did herself exactly 0.0 favours picking Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody". Despite the fact that Whitney sang every last fibre of shit out of it, it's really never perceived as a singer's song. It's kinda like "Groove Is In The Heart" in that respect... there are definitely some notes to be had there, but it's just too ingrained into people's head as a fun, party song if-not a jock jam *GASP*. I thought it was fine. Her face really shows it when she's unsure if she's going to be note perfect, though.

Kady Malloy continues her bloody, exhaustive march towards death by singing "Who Wants To Live Forever" by Queen. Who wants to live forever, indeed - something tells me not Kady... particularly by basically conceding to the fact that she thought she should have gone home instead of Alaina Whitaker (and Alexandrea Lushington, may I add) last week in her red room pre-interview. On the bright side, at least she'll leave on a high note as her performance last night wasn't out-and-out brutal. On a very, very dark note... two words: Hayley Scarnato. Kady could not only totally make it into the Top 12, but last for quite some time... because if there's one thing that Hayley Scarnato showed us, fucking anything is possible on this show...

Amanda Overmyer went back to basics tonight with a rollicking take on Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You". Methinks a lot - not all, but a lot - of the damage she did with last week's "Carry On My Wayward Son" will be reconciled and her base will be re-energized after last night. She's still as uncomfortable as a sea gull wearing a tracking collar on stage, though. And VERY off putting with her perceived ambivalence when getting the judges' feedback.

No secret: I love every inch of Carly Smithson. Even though I thought she got a little shrill in the higher notes of Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night", I totally agreed with Randy when he said that watching her go for those is like watching someone blast targets with a cannon. Bitch is fierce. I think it's safe to say that Carly's consistency, excellence and dynamism has won over any haters who thought her previous life as MCA recording artist Carly Hennessey by this point.

Kristy Lee Cook makes me barf. I can't stands the bitch no way. I really didn't think her countrified take on Journey's "Faithfull" was all that artful and worthy of the lauding it got. I didn't think it was understated; it was unsure. And I'm sorry, bitch could not remotely pull off what she attempted to at the end of the performance. Ugh. PS - Jean Smart from Designing Women called and she wants her head back.

Ramiele Malubay is not great. She's got a lovely voice with all sort of 'colours' to it, but she's got the depth of a bird bath. "Against All Odds"? Really? Apparently she's got quite an ardent fan base though, so expect to see her sail through...

Brooke White is gettin' on my last nerve - and something tells me I'll need to develop a few more nerves, because bitch is gonna be around for a while. I really have nothing to say about her whimpering, acoustic take on the Goddess Pat Benatar's "Love Is A Battlefield" other than what I said about her before: although Brooke's homogenized, ethereal singer-songwriter thing is unique in this competition - and responsible for her appeal - it's far from unique in the music industry. Is her seeing-eye ponyof a voice really going to be able to compete with the mighty steed of a voice like yer Carly's or yer Syesha's when it comes down to it? NO!

As much as I think she's an arrogant, smug little beyotch, Syesha Mercado worked it out tonight. That little Whitney nugget, "Saving All My Love For You" is no walk in the park - it's rangy as hell, requiring someone to go from the top of their chest voice to the bottom of their chest voice to the top of their operatic voice to the top of their chest voice again and again - but she handled it with an unappreciated ease.

GONE -

On both sides of the coin tonight, it's anyone's guess.

Although Luke Menard and Kady Malloy are the most likely candidates, anything's possible. Well, Luke's certainly less possible, but still.

Beyond those two, I'd have to wager that for the boys Michael Johns will be in danger. I just see him slipping through the cracks - I don't think he's given anyone a reason to vote for him beyond the fact that he's competent. Otherwise, Danny Noriega - and believe me, I'm spittin on the ground, knocking wood and throwing salt behind me as I say this - could find himself out there based on his sheer audacity.

On the girls side, in terms of talent, it should be Kristy Lee Cook, but something tells me that lanky bimbess will slide through. At this point, it looks like Carly, Brooke, Amanda and Syesha have each made their cases and carved out their niches, so I'd be worried right now if I was Asia'H and/or Ramiele. Whomever has the bigger fan base will prevail.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

That's right - the next installment of Bitch Salad fucking happens TONIGHT!!!

It's going to be so incredible... for real, this lineup is the things that dreams are made of. Like are you a Jihadist terrorist? This is going to be so much more magnificent, so much more fantastical than Harem that it's just gonna fuck your cause right up. It will discombobulate you and you will love it...

Featuring:

DEBRA DiGIOVANNI!!! If you haven't seen her live - you must. A master fucking class in comedy, let me tell ya.

SHANNON LAVERTY!!! Same thing goes for Shannon - she does shit on stage that I could never hope to do. She's been working coast to coast and burg to berg for a coon's age, but in a pre-Sex & The City world, was constantly told that she was 'too dirty' and "people don't want to see a woman on stage talking about that stuff". She's just absolutely incredible.

JAN CARUANA & STEFANIE DRUMMOND!!! Again, the same notion applies to Jan Caruana - if you've seen her improvise, you know that her powers are frightening. Holy fuck. And Stefanie Drummond has an inherent comedic genius that people would trade body parts for - talents that on full display, of course, in the film "Mean Girls"... I am SO excited for this...

REBECCA KOHLER!!! Another fucking fantastic, acerbic, contemporary female comic that I had the pleasure of working with when I spent that little stint in LA at the end of last year -

INESSA FRANTOWSKI!!! Part of the Sketchersons and mainstay of "Sunday Night Live", I love this woman. The highlight for me of any Sunday Night Live is Inessa's costume changes. For real. She is so particularly attired every time she comes on stage and as Oprah says, love is in the details. Couldn't be more true.

And of course, the entire evening is hosted by me. I don't think I need to blurb myself. Blurb myself. That sounds dirty. I think I'll blurb myself after the show tonight. Maybe even blurb myself to sleep. Yeah. That sounds nice.

So that's that. COME!

In other news:

BITCH I LOVED THIS WEEK

THIS CHICK

Who: Good question. I have no idea who she is or where she's from. The only thing I do know is that on July 8th, 1993, she beat the unholy shit out of her no-good boyfriend and someone had the presence of mind to whip out their camcorder.Why I Love Her: Yeah. This woman is EASILY the hottest bitch alive. High points of that video: When she drags him down the street on all fours with his shirt over his head and spectators yell "Walkin' the dawg!" and of course, when a little kid runs up to her and she says "Please do not show me dat at dis point in time". AMAZING.

BITCH I HATED THIS WEEK

LAUREN CLERI

Who: Ghastly whore who went on "Moment of Truth" (that show where people hook themselves up to a lie detector and answer crazily personal questions and jeopardize their relationships in hopes of winning some cash) and admitted to cheating on her husband. For admitting that, she won $100,000. The next question was "do you think you are a good person?". She answered 'yes'. According to the lie detector, bitch was lying. HA! She lost all the money... Since then she's done a slew of interviews and has admitted that she's surprised she's not rolling in acting offers.Why I Hate Her: It's actually not the fact that she sold out her relationship and ruined her (now ex-)husband's life for blind financial opportunity that bothers me. It's the fact that that potato-headed bitch thought this would catapult her into a career in the entertainment industry. Barf.

Unless you actually ARE Lauren Cleri and beyond the fact that you cheated on your husband and humiliated him and yourself on national television, you're also not planning on coming to Bitch Salad... well... may God have mercy on your soul...