Saturday, February 09, 2013

Bryce, Pronounced Burress

A few weeks ago I saw a piece about Red Sox prospect Bryce Brentz and I thought he was a pretty cool guy. Of course, with ballplayers I like, I'm used to having to say I like them "in spite of the hunting." And this too was the case with Brentz. But I was ready to become a fan of the guy. I almost blogged about it. Then he goes and shoots himself through the leg!

What is it with people always shooting themselves while cleaning their guns? These fucking gun people are always acting like they're so safe and they want to teach kids the "right way" to be a gun nut and all that, yet every time one of these extras from Deliverance cleans his piece, he shoots himself! I've never even touched a gun, yet even I can quickly come up with two key safety tips for gun-cleaning:

1. Don't have fucking bullets in the gun.
2. Don't fucking point it at yourself. Jesus.

And why are these guns always getting so goddamn dirty in the first place? Are they so shoddy that a little dust on the barrel is gonna make them wildly miss the target? How about taking the thing to a professional gun-cleaner? Some people don't even clean their own laundry. Yet gun owners have to buff those things to a high mirror shine! Even though their trucks are covered with mud, which they seem to wear like a badge! Maybe it's time to just let guns stay dirty. It seems like we'd all be better off.

Your Great-Uncle John, the first of our relatives to make the Hartford Courant aside from the obituary column, once worked the Colt line in the '30s. A gun being readied for testing in another part of the factory discharged and he was shot in the arm. (A superficial wound or he would have been in the obituary column next day instead of "Local News".) The official Colt report was that he'd brought his own gun to work, was cleaning it, and shot himself in the arm. I would say it's pretty difficult to shoot yourself in the arm when cleaning a gun, not that Uncle John even owned a gun. Grandma said, "Today, he would have sued! Back then, he had to shut up about it rf lose his job which he was lucky to have since it was the Depression."

You don't need a liscence to own a gun, which means there is no need to pass an IQ or common sense test. Those two rules are pretty accurate, and those who don't adhere to them are usually as easy to spot as a clumsy woodworker.

But there is a reason to clean a gun, especially if you're using it frequently, as the powder and smoke and bullets aren't as neat and clear as they appear in movies.