Exploring an Old Soul

Monday, September 26, 2011

Some people really interfere with my inner peace. Lately, I'm having a hard time controlling my patience with individuals who seek to pull me away from this sanctuary of peace and love that i have adjusted myself to living. This idea i have about compassion and civilness and kindness and empathy at its purest form. I live in this happy little state were very few things perturb me for more than the 20 seconds it takes me to breath in, out, and release.

It's not so much their actions, its this idea that they play with in their heads with any phrase, word, or sound that might make a connection with this false perception. so yes dear, it is a false perception.

Let me get this out of my system, so that i may fall asleep and wake up feeling renewed and bathed in a green/golden light. for 2 minutes i will let my inner bratness come out, so that i may put her away and be done with it once and for all..... here goes nothing:

please, please, pleaseeee go away and i mean that with all the kindness of my heart, its really just embarrassing. It is incredibly annoying to have to deal with pathetic acts for attention. I mean seriously change the page, close the book, read another story. i mean Jesus F-ing christ (sorry jesus) i'm already out of college AND graduate school; i shouldnt have to deal with this shit. Be graceful, Be peaceful, Compassion, Kindness, Respect, whateverrrr but i exhort or i welcome anyone to try one of these qualities they are really good for the soul.

uuffff.... well that was 2 minutes, i think i didnt get it all out but thats more than enough.

Someone once told me meditation is good for the soul and i thought meditation=sleep. Then one day overwhelmed by the world i closed my eyes and built a brigde that crossed into a peaceful rainforest. it is my safe haven, whatever my troubles i can close my eyes, cross that brigde, go into the water and become water.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I have a confession to make.... here it goes: i can rap all the raps eminem sings in love the way you lie both... part one and two. Its hard to explain how my love for this started but it brings out all of my bottled up anger. It brings out all the hate in my and sets it off like fire in my heart as i scream at the top of my lungs the lyrics. wondering perhaps, if i sing loud enough the empty feeling will disappear. I was amazed by how realistic the video was... that and my jealousy towards megan fox. I want to be megan fox. i mean who wouldnt shes the icon for this new generation sexy, sweet, and full of tattoos. She's the girl i want to be. so thats why love the way you lie became important to me.

i'm not usually a rap fan, mostly because if you know me i like things i can break my heart to. Whats important in this confession is the betrayal im about to commit. I must free this.... my best friend.... he loves it too. I'm thinking it has to do alot with this passive-agressive tendency we have. It also has alot to do with my ex fiancee.....

My best friend and i have kept this secret kinda-off sort-off well hidden. We blast the song during our escapes from the city with me usually screaming the rap part and then trying to catch my breath to sing the rhianna part. i usually do the whole hand gesturing that rappers are so fond of. i can imagine the ones looking into my window must think i lost my mind as i jump up and down my car seat with one hand gesturing threats to my best friend. Love the way you lie has become the representation of what i shouldve done two years ago. i know it sounds worrying, but darlings, if you knew what i went through you'd understand better.

So eminem may have actually written my whole relationship in a song, raps included.... he made me want to put on lingerie and sing in the middle of a burning house while grabbing my inexistent balls at the same time.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

he: "I'm jaded"
anon: "arent we all?"
he: "dont be sarcastic"
anon: "im not... there's always a reason to have a broken heart"
he: "where's yours?"
anon: "i try not to show it alot.... i grew a new one"
he: "how do you do that?"
anon: "you grow up"
he:
anon: "the world doesnt owe you anything, it never will. nobody is indispensable. you have to make yourself indispensable and even then it doesnt work. jesus! read the Myth of Sysyphus and maybe just MAYBE you'll have an idea."
he: "yeah.............. went a little deep there hun"
anon: "I have bottled up anger...."
he: "you think?"
anon: "F u".... "seriously....."

Saturday, June 11, 2011

and she said "i think i'll stay here a while" as she sat in the wet, cold grass. I wondered if she was comfortable with getting wet. She wouldnt have done it otherwise, i suppose. Her nonchalance was a bit disturbing, she has never been this calm. "I know what you are thinking" she said, "but the world feels different... emptier" she sighed as she whispered "i want to feel it all".

and she said "There is complete peace in this emptiness, like the feeling you get when you are falling asleep".

Friday, June 10, 2011

It's hard for me not to feel awkward when people praise me for helping others. I suppose its because i have it very engrained in my soul that we shouldn't seek acknowledgement for doing a service. I once told someone very special to me that I did it because it had to be done, which is why i didn't understand why they were so proud of me. its like, this IS what people do.... right?

I know I'm wrong, most people wouldnt do these things. It appalls me, basically inconceivable that people see these horrible things occurring all around them and turn away or try to find the easy way out. this is the secret most people dont know: im a bum. i hate driving, i hate moving from were im comfortable, id stay in my room forever till night falls (then im awake). But my passion is trying to do the right thing, to give my best for the cause. Philanthropy they call it. love for humanity.

It's simply love, I would help my worst enemy if they needed it. My cousin is always talking about being Zen... about reaching this spiritual level were these negative sentiments just lose their values. Two months ago, i lost something dear to me and someone not so dear to me (a part of myself) but i discovered i gained so much more... i learned to be at peace.

My father told me a few months ago i lost two years of my life (i havent worked in a year and a half) and i thought about what he meant since i felt ive gained so much more than ive lost. I can barely recognize myself, this banal things have lost their meaning being substituted instead for much grander values. Peace, harmony, solidarity, love, and empathy.

how can you gain these things? I wouldnt know; it has to do with humility, learning not to be so proud and separating yourself from material or banal commodities focusing instead on your heart.