Playscripts

Hot Flush

I was approached in the playground by the professionally trained actor and mother of a child in my eldest son's class: would I be interested in writing the school play for a grand production in the summer. Yes, I said, confidently and naively (never having written or even attempted to write a play before).Only later did more details arrive. It was to include all the children in the school and it was to include the summer topics for each class: adventure island, vicious vikings, and germs and bacteria. Hmmm...After much head scratching something began to emerge. It began and ended in a toilet, the main characters were all germs and viruses and they would surf to Easter Island then a Hebridean island before returning to their toilet home; Hot Flush was born. There were pirates, fairies, cowboys, germs, vikings, anglo-saxon women, the evil Dom S Tos, and a very edible monk. There were also some fine musical numbers choreographed by another talented professional actor and wonderful props and costumes with the help of a lot of parents. I learnt an awful lot, had a great time in rehearsals, and saw what joy acting can bring out in children given an opportunity.

Hot Flush (extract)

Act One, Scene Four - Hebridean Island(Anglo-Saxon women are in charge and men are enslaved)ETHELRED: Has anyone fed the menfolk?ETHELGREEN: Yes, they had last night's leftovers.ETHELRED: Then let them into the lower pastures - I want those nettles grazed so we can get our turnips in.ETHELGREEN: Should I whip them first?ETHERLRED: Have they done something wrong?ETHELGREEN: No, I just fancied giving them a whipping.ETHELRED: Oh, alright. But don't get them too excited. (Exit ETHELGREEN and enter ETHELWHITE)ETHELWHITE: I've just found some of those horny fellows up on the ridge.ETHELRED: What?! Not another stag party!ETHELWHITE: No, the ones with weapons and big beards.ETHELGREEN: Oh, Vikings. What do they want?ETHELWHITE: Their chief muttered something about slaves and gold.ETHELRED: Oh, how tiresome. Have we still got our pet monk?ETHELWHITE: Yes, he's in the hut. Says he's writing a book.ETHELRED: What's a book? What's writing?

ETHELWHITE: Well, he dips a chicken feather in a pot of his own blood and makes these funny marks on bits of tree.ETHELRED: Sound ridiculous. Well, untie him and set him loose. Tell him there are heathens on the ridge - that should buy us some time.ETHELWHITE: Shame, really. He was fattening up nicely - would have been all ready by Christmas.ETHELRED: I'll go and tell Ethelgreen to stop whipping the men. We might need them to stay here and look after the children whilst we're out fighting. (Exit ETHELWHITE and ETHELRED)

Odin's Beard

The Vikings and the Anglo-Saxon women were such good fun to write that I was happy to be asked to write another play for another school and develop this section of Hot Flush into something comical involving the Norse gods. It's a well known artistic maxim that the second project is always mired in more difficulty than the first and Odin's Beard took a lot more editing and redrafting until it was green lit. Sadly, the school decided they wanted a musical number so this has lead me to look for someone who can write and score music. The music will hopefully marry the words of the play to produce something that will suit the needs of schools looking for an original and comic take on the magical island/woodland romance trope of fiction (The Tempest,A Midsummer Night's Dream etc - not although I am comparing myself to Shakespeare!)). When the music is added I will look to publish this next year but meanwhile here's an extract...

Odin's Beard - Act One, Scene Four (men's camp)

(Men are trying to escape by tunnelling out of their camp. Odin has been captured by Anglo-Saxon women and put in the camp)RAMSAY: I say, Sedgwick, who's the new fella?SEDGWICK: Name of Odin, sir. Damn fine chap to have on board, I reckon. He's worked like the devil on Harry tunnel, sir. We're almost out.RAMSAY: Got a funny look about him, though, hasn't he?SEDGWICK: Aye, sir, his beard's a bit manky, and he has a head in a bag that he talks to but you can't fault his enthusiasm.RAMSAY: Well, get Ives to keep an eye on him; never can be too sure.SEDGWICK: Aye, sir. (Exit SEDGWICK, enter HENDLEY, stumbling about short-sightedly)RAMSAY: Ah, Hendley, just the man. Tell me, how are we set for mufti and papers?HENDLEY: (Facing wrong way) Nearly there, sir. Near lost my sight doing the lettering on the Bibles but they'd fool the Pope himself, sir.RAMSAY: Fool the what?HENDLEY: (Turning to RAMSAY) The Pope, sir. The big wig in that there Rome.RAMSAY: Have you been talking to the Monk again?HENDLEY: Well, you should hear him talk, sir. There's some smashing stories about whales and arks and a Garden of Eden where you can eat naked turnips. Although I might have got that last bit wrong...RAMSAY: Very good, Hendley. Just make sure that everything is ready. Harry is almost a done deal. Those women aren't going to know what's hit them. I just don't know how they live all together like that. They don't seem to understand the idea of hierarchy, one person being bossed about by another. (HENDLEY looks confused) You don't know what I'm talking about, do you Hendley?HENDLEY: No, sir. It's all that rugby. Damn good fun but I can't seem to think straight.