I'm the reason they started prayers in school. I'm also the proof that prayer is not enough.

Month

April 2016

Sometimes life kicks the romance right out of you. Too much information can do that to you.

Take weddings.

City girls love the idea of stepping out of the church and someone releases a bunch of white doves that flutter off into the sky. I think it is supposed to represent her virginity has just flown the coop never to be seen again or something like that. I would think, as her parents stand there and see the doves going all over the place and in different directions that they might be a bit concerned, but maybe some people can hold their symbolism in check.

This is Edna Abberworthy. She was the strange lady who sat next to little children in church and gave them nightmares. Mainly because she would hug fidgety children and try to share things from her pocket. That might be a lovely chocolate, a stale, half eaten peppermint, a kibble meant for her kitty, or even some random rabbit poop.

This is her as a child.

She never paid attention in class and she missed a lot of important details. Here we see her missing the detail of what exactly princesses are supposed to kiss that may turn into princes. Everyone else in her class who paid attention knew that princesses kiss frogs, NOT pigs. Pigs don’t do anything when you kiss them. There is no magic. There are only the PETA people who want to put you in jail for harming innocent animals or some minister somewhere telling you that God wants you to stay married to him anyway and that if you were any kind of a Christian you would not complain but be grateful that you are married to a righteous man.

And no, there are no exact stories that deal with ending up having married a pig and never being allowed to escape because suffering is supposed to be awesome. You really have to pay attention, not only for the instructions (as in frogs can turn into princes) but to pull out the lies, the conspiracies aimed at you, and the inferred information hidden deep within the “happily ever after” crap. If you do that, through osmosis, you will understand, at some point in your life, that you should not be kissing pigs, ever. AND NEVER EVER close your eyes like Edna is doing here because sure as heck, someone is going to try and slip in an pig when you aren’t looking.

Also, beware of pigs in frog costumes.

Poor Edna never got a prince, a frog, or even a pig.

Evidently she was a terrible kisser.

So pay attention to the small details, keep your eyes open, and practice kissing. These are not just sweet suggestions to be embroidered into some lacey throw pillow – these are survival skills to be tatooed on your forehead. It should hurt, a lot . . . so that you remember.

Edna ended up all alone. She thought her cats loved her but they didn’t. They just liked the smell of bacon.