Every time you breathe you kill the planet more, say proponents of Global Warming theory.

Jules Vernon, an eco scientist working on a major eco project for the Canadian government revealed: “In the last few minutes it has taken for you to read this article you have just helped kill the planet. Depending on how deep you’re breathing, your breath caused the emission of one to 70 grams of carbon into the atmosphere, contributing to global warming. The average human exhales approximately 900 grams of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere per day. With the population of the earth at about 6.6 billion, this makes up about 8% of carbon emmissions. However, it is the support structure for each human that is the real emissions killer, with vehicles, electricity grids, factory farming and transport being the major source of carbon pumped into the atmosphere.”

Death by eco

“As our ‘eco agenda’ is utilised to bring in new forms of taxation by governments, we want to make you feel bad for being alive, for merely existing. This is the Green agenda. Our elite bosses who fund our lavish lifestyles with research grants want us to keep banging on about how you people are not good for the planet. Please forget, that previously the same people who want all the cuts now, were the ones encouraging population growth and mass industrialisation. They were the ones who tore up the mountains and plundered the earth of its resources. These same hypocrites are now saying that they do not need the populations anymore or the carbon emissions, they do not need the brainless consumers to consume what they produce en masse. We are now in a post-consumerist age where the human cattle are redundant and will soon be disposed of maybe with an engineered attack on the food supply. You see, my dear friends, technology has increased to such a level thanks to your hard work over the centuries, that the elite do not need their servants anymore. You are too messy, too much to look after, and plain old smelly. Once we stabilise the planet by culling the herd, we can reclaim the planet again. You should therefore feel bloody guilty for merely existing, and our eco agenda will make damn sure that you humans are clinically erased so that the Greenland glaciers can get back to normal,” Frederic Grosser, a Green activist working for an unnamed organisation funded by the Canadian government told the CBC.

According to many eco-organisations, the real solution is for governments to impose measures like carbon taxes and emissions caps that make humans breathing or breeding less attractive financially.

“The planet is warming up because when the sun shines the rays hit the earth, plus climate change has been occurring for millions of years and is a natural part of our planet. We know that, but many people read all the scaremongering fear inducing headlines pumped out on an hourly basis by the controlled media and they start panicking. We are using this fear-mongering exercise to bring in our agenda of increased taxation. We need a price on carbon and on your human breath. It’s the only way to make people’s lives even more hellish,” Mr. Grosser said.

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