Finding the Green within the Grey

Graduation Day

It’s weird being on the top of the hill after staring at the summit for so, so long. No, I’m not out in the wilderness writing this post. I’m sitting in my office and I’m pretty much unable to move through the rest of my day until I write about this. This is kindergarten graduation day.

I’m the very first person to say the glitter and glam surrounding kindergarten graduation is too much. But today, though, throw some confetti at my daughter and I’ll be super pleased to see it fall through her fine brown tresses.

It took Annie two years to finish kindergarten. If Annie isn’t your child, maybe it doesn’t seem to be a big deal. But I’m here to tell you, for me at least, it was a huge thing to hold my kid back a grade. This same day last year—when her original classmates performed a play and heard their names called and received that piece of paper—well, this same day sucked rocks. Maybe that’s not poetic, but it’s true.

Crazily enough, I sat through the dry run of the play last spring even though I didn’t want to (long story), and the tears streamed down my face even though I’d already cried way too many tears during Annie’s first kindergarten season. It felt like torture, watching my Annie and knowing that she was the one puzzle piece that didn’t fit in her class. She was tall enough, but she couldn’t sing her ABC’s. She was nice enough, but she didn’t fit within that group’s social circle.

Perhaps you think I’m being dramatic. Yup, I’m good at that. But still. And yet. How can I not be a jumble of emotions as I think about Miss Annie finally graduating and moving on to first grade?

I’m so proud of my girl. She has worked hard: she has six to ten tutoring sessions every week. She went from knowing the letters x and o in the fall of 2010 to actually singing her ABC’s, knowing most letters’ sounds on most days, and sounding out three letter words with help in the spring of 2012. I don’t think one bit of it has been easy for her.

But still. And yet. She used to think reading was not for her. She used to think she couldn’t do the same things other kids her age could. Some days, reading still isn’t for her. But other days, she will chant “I’m a reader” or read a sentence for me with more ease than I thought possible. More importantly, she went from being really unhappy and shut down at school to being present and happy. She has friends: more than a handful of best friends. She fits in.

Last year a mom that I only see occasionally did me a huge favor every time I talked about my Annie with her. She told me, “Annie’s going to be fine. Nancy, she’s going to be fine. Nancy, look at me. She’s going to be fine. Annie is going to be fine.”

She schooled me. She made me look at her every time, and didn’t stop repeating the phrase until I took the words in just a tiny bit. I’ve taken her words in a tiny bit. Some moments I can take them in all the way. On good days, I can see Annie will blossom any way she knows how and she will become her best self with little or no help from us. This is one of those days. As Chris says, I’m a lucky lady. I’ve watched this girl, this wonder of a girl, succeed in her own way and on her own time schedule. Congratulations Annie. And I’m sorry in advance because I’m going to cry my eyes out at graduation.

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Nancy Schatz Alton

I used to ride the playground ponies — painted metal creature swings behind my childhood home — and dream of a book with my name on it: Nancy Schatz. Years later, I walked that same playground and young girl asked me my age. Maybe I was 19. Shocked, she asked if I was married. Nope, not yet, I laughed in reply.

Now I’m married and my body’s pretty close to being 50 years old. My first dream came true with one minor adjustment. The name on the cover of those books is “Nancy Schatz Alton.” I think it took writing these two holistic healthcare guides — The Healthy Back Book and The Healthy Knees Book — to believe I really am a writer. But I’ve been a writer before I could pencil the alphabet on the itchy lined paper in Kindergarten. It’s just who I am.

I wear many other definitions. I’m lucky enough to be a mom to a teenager and a tween. I’m a freelance writer, editor and writing teacher and coach, too. I’m a baker and a short-order cook, an off-key singer and car dancer. I’m a former long distance runner, an avid reader and a lover of color. I’m also a spy, because writers are spies, right?

This blog was born a few years ago when I finally got tired of denying myself the privilege of having a blog. I love sharing my words, and if these thoughts can help someone else, even better. As this blog has evolved, some of what I have written is part of a memoir manuscript entitled “But Still and Yet: Navigating the Learning Differences World with My Daughter.” That’s the tale of being and becoming a mother. No, it’s not the story of my first child’s birth and how I stepped into this new role, although there are many fine books about this very topic. This memoir is about learning to embrace the idea that life doesn’t always get to be easy for our offspring. If you aren’t a parent, the journey I take is the same journey all humans take during this lifetime. This memoir answers this question: how do we crack ourselves open to become our best possible selves?

Boom. Enjoy my blog. Say hello via a comment if you have can. And Welcome to Within The Words, Finding the Green within the Grey,.

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