An Automated Selfie Stick With Beauty Lights and Wind Effect Exists

Back in the Dark Ages (1999), before front-facing cameras—or any cameras, for that matter—were a standard feature on cell phones, this is how we took selfies:

Yes, this is a screen grab from Never Been Kissed. Photograph courtesy YouTube.

Only 17 years later, we have been gifted the Automated Selfie Stick (which would henceforth be known as ASS if the acronym weren’t so unfortunate), an invention that might be the most important and/or life changing development since the Keurig for tortillas. As Stefon would say, this selfie stick has everything: mechanized extension, two beauty lights that flank the phone, a pair of retractable fans in its handle that can make even the stringiest of strands look like this—

—and MTV’s Dan Cortese. The invention was brought to us by the geniuses at Thinkmodo, who created a functioning prototype to promote the newest season of Lifetime’s UnREAL. Scope out the selfie stick below, but stay tuned for the bad news.

Right? RIGHT? OK, calm down. Because now that your eyes have seen such glory, we’re about to ruin your day: there are only two in production, and Thinkmodo has zero plans to mass produce the invention. Meaning you can’t buy it anywhere. Meaning there will be no selfies on the 405 where your hair is mysteriously blowing in wind that is not coming from an open window. Meaning social media as we know it is worthless. But all hope is not lost. Thinkmodo co-founder Michael Krivicka told Mashable that if “there was enough demand, we’d go back to Lifetime, put our heads together and see what we can do with this.” Time to go call your congressman.