Thanking Sandy

How to have gratitude for both good and bad.

In October, I gave a talk to a group of rabbis, and my topic was gratitude. It’s a fundamental principle of my teaching that I cite only Jewish sources (except for the occasional reference to Monty Python), but I could find no better text to represent the Jewish view of gratitude than the poem “Listen” by the decidedly un-Jewish W.S. Merwin.

He begins benignly, though with a touch of ecstasy:

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridges to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water thanking it
smiling by the windows looking out
in our directions

Then the tone suddenly turns dark:

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you …

You can find the full poem at http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/20492, but this is enough of an excerpt to give you a sense of where he is taking us in his ruthless demand for gratitude. Looking up at the sky and uttering gratitude for the magnificence of creation is not hard to fathom. But why thank you “after funerals”? Why gratitude when “remembering wars and the police at the door”? For “beatings on the stairs”?

It’s remarkable how Talmudic the son of a Presbyterian minister can be!

How so? Well, this poem seems to be exploring the same emotional territory as does the Talmud when it offers the teaching that a person is obligated to say a blessing when good things happen in life but also a blessing over things that happen that are bad. “One must bless for the bad as one blesses for the good, and for the good as one blesses for the bad” (Berachot 54a). The Talmud elsewhere tells us that the correct response to someone who praises only the good that comes into his or her life is to silence that person (Berachot 33b).

It seems, then, that our sages would approve of Merwin’s lines:

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you

How can we possibly be expected to express gratitude for the tragedies and misfortunes that befall us? Following are three thoughts on that subject.

First, while we are expected to bless the bad as well as the good, the blessings we are told to say are not the same. “On good news say, ‘Blessed be He who is good and beneficent.’ On bad news say, ‘Blessed be the true Judge.’” Our blessing on a negative event or news is not meant to be a statement of gratitude but rather an acknowledgement that God is sovereign and, through these words, we submit to the scheme of divine righteousness, even though we might have no way of understanding how this particular misfortune could be just.

Second, it is sometimes impossible to know the good from the bad while the story is just unfolding. There are so many instances of the good luck that turned out to contain the seed of a disaster, and conversely the apparent catastrophe that ultimately turned out to be a beneficent gift.

The Talmud concludes the discussion above with a classic example of this phenomenon. Rabbi Akiva is forced to camp in a field one night because he could not find a room in town. He has in his possession a candle, a rooster and a donkey. “Everything God does is for the good,” he asserts, and he repeats that conviction when the candle is blown out and wild animals eat both the rooster and the donkey. In the morning he awakes to discover that marauders had ransacked the town. Had the light shone, the rooster crowed or the donkey brayed, his presence would have been betrayed. “Everything God does is for the good”—ultimately, beyond the chapter we find ourselves in today, when the whole story will have been told.

Finally, as finite human beings we cannot claim access to the large master plan for life and the playing out of history. Our knowledge and capacity to understand are very limited, and we do not have the capacity to draw final conclusions about difficult times, or even good ones, for that matter. We are obligated to choose the good and to strive for the good, but we do not have the capacity to be the ultimate judge of what goes on in our lives. “Blessed be the true Judge,” we say because we ourselves are not the true judges. That capacity lies elsewhere.

These ideas help us understand where Merwin’s poem ends:

we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

Yes, dark though it is, in humility and acknowledgement that we are not privy to the big picture and aware that the ink writing the story is still wet, we utter our gratitude. Only because we are alive can we experience any of this, and for life itself, we say thank you.

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About the Author

Dr. Alan Morinis is a popular lecturer on the Jewish Mussar tradition, and the author of "Everyday Holiness" and "Climbing Jacob's Ladder." A Rhodes scholar, he has produced films and taught at several universities. Alan lives in Vancouver, Canada, with his wife of 30 years and their two daughters.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(4)
Miriam,
November 5, 2012 4:33 PM

A miraculous hurricane story our rabbi told us.

Years ago, this rabbi's mother was sick in the hospital when Hurricane Andrew hit. She was supposed to be on dialysis but there was no power! She then began to run a 105 degree fever since there was no air conditioning. A desperate nurse spread an ice blanket on top of her which miraculously kicked her kidneys into function! She lived for 9 more good years, almost all unassisted! G-d has many messangers! (This story was written in Visions of Greatness.)

(3)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2012 4:27 AM

What doesn;t kill you, makes you stronger.

Let's remember that for our own misfortune we should thank Hashem. However, when our fellow Jew is suffering we need to help them as much as we are able. We ought to pray to Hashem to have mercy on His children. Our job is to act and pray.

(2)
Liz Stanley,
November 4, 2012 10:16 PM

A poem on "Gratitude" written one Thanksgiving

Gratitude is the attitude
That determines one's latitude
It's not just a platitude
It's how you go at it, dude!

(1)
JOSH,
November 4, 2012 9:08 PM

Merwin ain't Talmudic

By your own analysis, Merwin does not hold our point of view. We don't thank god for the "bad", we bless god for whatever-good or bad. Merwin actually Thanks for the bad. Of course we do not know the ultimate outcome of anything, but it would be pretty hard to convince most anybody to be thankful that they would be a victim of evil harm: a mugging, murder, rape- pick your own heinous crime. You want to try and convince the actual victims of Hitler's atrocities to thank god or Hitler for his heinous conduct. You're right-god is the ultimate judge, and we don't know his precise methodology of judgement- but thanking Him for sending Hitler=Meshugah- not Jewish.

YH,
November 6, 2012 1:13 AM

Garden of Gratitude

Read R' Arush's "Garden of Gratitude" to see how yes, we should thank G-d for the seeming bad in our life. The bad that we experience can be a tikun, a kapara, or something that saves us from something worse.

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I’ve been dating a young woman for the past two years and we are starting to think about marriage. The problem is that she is not Jewish. I would want her to convert, but in a way where there would be no doubt about its validity, so that we and our kids don’t have problems later on. How do you recommend that I proceed?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I appreciate your desire to do the right thing and proceed in an authentic way.

The process of conversion is challenging and involves a process of a year or two. This benefits the person converting, to ensure he fully appreciates the responsibilities he is taking on.

According to the Code of Jewish Law (Shulchan Aruch), a valid conversion replicates the experience at Mount Sinai of 3,300 years ago, when the Jewish nation accepted the Torah. For your friend to convert, she must:

believe that Judaism is the true religion, not just accept it by default

study what it says in the Torah

commit to observe all the Torah's commandments

Further, a conversion must be motivated for the sincere purpose of getting close to God and His Torah, not for ulterior motives. Thus, your friend would have to embrace Judaism and the Torah for its own sake, not in order to marry you. She should have the exact same desire to convert even with you entirely out of the picture.

If your friend studies Judaism and feels it is right for her, she would then approach an Orthodox conversion court and explain her situation. The court would then decide if it feels she is a sincere candidate for conversion. If yes, she would begin the lengthy process of studying and practicing to become a true convert.

Of course, to have a successful relationship, you will also need a high level of appreciation and commitment to Judaism. Perhaps you could begin your own study program to discover how Torah values enhance our lives and form the bedrock of civilization.

You should endeavor to live near a Jewish community which has adult education programs, rabbis you can consult with, Shabbat hospitality programs, etc.

In 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), Moses completed his farewell address to the Jewish people, and God informed Moses that the day of his death was approaching (Deut. 31:14). Amazingly, the anniversary of Moses' completing his teaching coincides with the date in 1482 of the first printing of the standard format used for Jewish Bibles today: vowel signs, accents, translation (Targum), and Rashi commentary.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Solomon] was wiser than all men (I Kings 5:11), even wiser than fools (Midrash).

What does the Midrash mean by "wiser than fools"?

A man of means was once a Sabbath guest at the home of the Chofetz Chaim. He insisted upon paying the sage in advance for the Sabbath meals - an insulting demand. To everyone's surprise, the Chofetz Chaim accepted the money.

After the Sabbath the Chofetz Chaim forced the guest to take the money back. He explained, "Had I refused to accept the money before the Sabbath, the thought that he was imposing upon me might have distracted from the man's enjoying the spirit of the Sabbath. Although it was foolish of him to feel this way, I wished to put his mind at rest."

Not everyone thinks wisely all the time. Some people have foolish ideas. Yet if we oppose them, they may feel they have been wronged. Insisting on the logic of our own thinking may not convince them in the least. In such instances, it may require great wisdom to avoid offending someone, yet not submitting to his folly.

By accepting his guest's money, knowing that he would return it to him after the Sabbath, the Chofetz Chaim wisely accommodated this man's whim without compromising on his own principles.

A wise person may be convinced by a logical argument, but outsmarting a fool truly requires genius.

Today I shall...

try to avoid offending people whom I feel to be in the wrong, without in any way compromising myself.

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