Day: May 16, 2018

We laid Maria to rest this week. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. So vibrant and so full of light. The one thing I can take away from this life event is reconnecting with relatives. Despite the tears and sadness, there was togetherness and hope.

I’m doing my best to not sweat the small things. I need to start looking at the bigger picture. Maria had a positive mindset! And she always took a chance. I want to start living that way. At times, I’m hesitant or too scared. You’ll never know if you don’t try.

I’m gonna switch this one up a bit. Anyway, I’m sleepy, but I can’t sleep. Not until I get this off of my chest.

Am I hard to love? Am I looking for love in all of the wrong places? Am I being proactive about love? Some of the many questions that go on in my anxiety filled mind.

I think I do my best to be my most genuine self and sometimes it still doesn’t feel enough. I feel like putting myself out there will just be disappointing every time. Am I not opening myself up enough? I have my reservations. I’ve been hurt in the past, so my walls are very high. I might’ve mentioned this in a previous entry. I easily am hurt when people disrespect me. At times, I feel like I’m not being taken seriously. On top of that, I’ve encountered people who pose as your wing person only to have them betray you. I understand that everyone isn’t the same, but that one incident stung. I really thought I could trust her. I revisit it a lot and I wish I could’ve done it differently. Instead of telling her that it was okay. Because it wasn’t.