A not-so-interesting Life

Ranty Rant

I really haven’t done too much exciting things lately… Honestly I have been spending time getting to re-know myself. Hopefully soon Shad and I will be getting Pumpkins and I can upload a video, but until then all I’m really focused on is finding myself.

As I hinted on in my last post, it seems to me that happiness gives me anxiety. Weird right? Isn’t happiness something everyone wants? How I look at it though is; if I’m not suffering and struggling, what am I living for?

That is how I have always felt. So I think now, things are rough, but there isn’t anything I can truly feel ungrateful about. I don’t think my mind knows how to process that, so I panic when I feel real happiness.

A lot of things in my life are changing right now. Some things I am pretty sad about… but at the same time I’m excited too.

I don’t want to go into too much detail to spare the feelings of people and to also keep a little of my personal life, well, personal.

Basically, I am my number one focus for the first time since probably Kindergarten. I want to be at peace with happiness. Of course still accept that there are days where everything seems it is falling apart; but feeling happy isn’t anything to be ashamed of. It isn’t something to feel guilty about.

Perhaps it’s because the full moon is coming; but the past few days; minus a few hiccups; have been pretty good for me.

I think the biggest thing about learning to deal with anxiety is learning to accept that sometimes you just need to focus on yourself. I know it’s hard…It seems like the most selfish thing to do in my opinion.

But as I’m dealing with myself and my relationship with others; I realize that by focusing on myself I am also allowing and accepting others to grow into who they are as well.