Mattress Emergency

It would seem that the kitties need a babysitter. Since Captain Clam and I have returned to the land of Capitalism, the babies have peed inside of my favorite purse, broken a vase (destroying the plant inside), peed all over my fire escape garden, and destroyed our bed…. and when I say ” destroyed” I mean we had to throw the mattress out because they pissed their hearts out all over it and all of our bedding. Apparently they need a larger litter box for their bathroom pleasure. Jerks.

The romance surrounding a bed is so very important, although the Clam and I have been camping on the floor for a few days (efforting at the passion of being completely uncomfortable and sleeplessly grouchy (makes pitching a tent in the Living Room completely undesirable)) with the intention of taking advantage of Sleepy’s Labor Day Sale (can you believe it’s already Labor Day)? When we went to Sleepy’s, The Mattress Professionals, the Mattress on sale was unbelievably awful. We sat down on the the floor sample and I am pretty sure that I actually broke it (and ew, I hate sitting on mattresses that are not covered. Like could you please put a sheet on this thing? Raw mattresses just plain gross me the eff out. They are greasy and dirty looking).

So, with the nasty mattress being so cheap and gross and springy, we learned that delivery was still one day away (plus 100 million dollars extra) and Customer’s Own Pick up was, like, One Million Years away. Now, there are a few “furniture” stores in our neighborhood, so we decided to shop around and see what the sales were and maybe even find something right around the corner from the Chateau de Clam. Well, it seems like it’s okay to sell “refurbished” mattresses in NYC, even with the bed bug epidemic (so gross to even think about). We didn’t even look, but there are rumors and I am sure to be overreacting, because I am so totally misunderstood.

So returning home totally disappointed, the Clam and I hunker down for another romantic night of sleeping on the floor. We set up our campsite on the IKEA area rug and gather a small (and I mean small) camping mattress, a yoga mat, a sleeping bag, a fleece blanket, some fabric samples (used to make extra pillows (that just sucked and were not even worth the effort)), pillows, and a crocheted poncho my mom made for me. Now that I am writing this, we seriously need to do more laundry or buy more blankets (how sad we are always playing “catch up!”).

After a few days of mattress turmoil, we realized just how stupid we were for sleeping on the make-shift living room campground. We went to the dollar store and bought a blow up mattress (WHAT IDIOTS!) I heart you dollar store)). I don’t think I have ever slept so soundly on a blow up mattress, and it certainly felt like I had never slept so soundly in my entire life. Sadly, I am still exhausted and my body is aching like a MoFo.

Every night I have to add air to our lovely new mattress (and I totally pretend it’s floating on the lava sea and if my feet hang off or touch the floor then they are total goners) and every morning when my handsome Clam rolls off of our new temporary bed and desperately stumbles to his feet (he’s 6’2), my body seeps to the floor and I am reminded of how awful it was to camp out inside. I am sorry to have waited so long to remember that blow up mattresses even existed. Silly Goose on my part!

The plus side to this debacle is that now we have a blow up mattress, which means that we can have grown up sleepovers, that is if the cats don’t sabotage our new accessory. I have clipped their nails in anticipation for the uprising. We are now in defense mode and holding the opposition at bay…. for now…