These are breadcrumbs…… for the next mother who buries her child

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It helps to be with other mothers who have lost a child. Three moms visited me after the accident, and gave me comfort and some very good advice. They didn’t ‘pull any punches” when they told me, “You will never be the same. Just know that when people tell you it get better – it doesn’t. It just gets different. There will be a new normal.” (I was still dazed, but I remember thinking, “I just read somewhere that… “normal is just a setting on a dryer.”)

sometimes, there is such cruelty in hope

You have a “good” day, and you delude yourself into thinking that you might be getting better, or nearing the “end” (as if the healing process was somehow linear). Then, the next day you do a virtual “face-plant” on the floor. After the third or fourth time you pick yourself up, most people would get it. But the pain is so great, you continue to hope – against all evidence – that THIS time, it might be different. You just crave a bit of “normal.”

“In the early stages, grief isn’t just an attitude, it’s an affliction. It can’t be turned off or toned down. It often has to run its course. The best antidotes to hopeless grief are sincere expressions of love and support that prove life is worth living.” Michael Josephson

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Losing a child has been described as a “soul shattering nightmare.” It actually feels like a war. I’m fighting to gather back every piece myself… all of those bits that flew in a million different directions. I need those because I’m trying to put myself back together.

Just after he died, sweet memories of my son comforted me. But they cut much too deeply – like jagged-edged jewels. Over time, they’ve become easier to look at and hold close.

There are days when I can’t find the memories, hear his voice, or see his face. Other days, there are no words – all I can manage is to sit and stare. It is comforting, but a bit startling to look up, see darkness and realize that 6 hours passed.

lyrics to a song by Sara Bareilles perfectly captures these feelings:

“No words, My tears won’t make any room for more, And it don’t hurt like anything I’ve ever felt before, this is no broken heart, No familiar scars, This territory goes uncharted…

Each day, countin’ up the minutes, till I get alone, ’cause I can’t stay In the middle of it all, it’s nobody’s fault, but I’m so low, never knew how much I didn’t know, Oh, everything is uncharted. I know I’m getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like…I’m going down..” Uncharted by Sara Bareilles