Saturday, January 31, 2009

So, Ryan and I are going to look at apartments tomorrow, not for both of us, just for him. But I figured it couldn't be a bad sign that he asked me to go with him.

Then tonight on our way to Bria's to play Munchkin, he told me that he went into the jewlery store the other day to see Wendy. Wendy is his friend that owns her own jewlery store, she already has everything on file about the ring I want along with my ring size and all that stuff. He said he told her to start looking for the rock that they're gonna put in my ring. And I KNOW thats a good sign. I just don't know how good of a sign it is yet. Like all I know is that he's working on getting a ring....what I don't know is how soon I might be getting it, or what I'll be doing when my lease is up at the end of July...

But hey, for now at least, I'll take what I can get.

EDIT: I just got back from looking at apartments with Ryan. They were some pretty sweet apartments, so yeah, pretty sure he's gonna live there...and apparently I will be too in like 6 or 7 months. I actually got up enough nerve to ask him exactly when he thought this wedding was going to take place and he said, 'August or September, whenever you need it to be with your lease and all.' So, yeah, he's working on getting the ring, and he thinks we're getting married this summer, but I'm trying not to get overly excited until I actually SEE this ring, he's done this to me before, and I don't want that to happen again.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I wish I had something exciting to write about. Nothing seems to be happening at the moment. I've been meaning to update for the past few days, but every time I tried to I could find the words. I feel like I have so much to say, but it just won't come out.

In other news, Ryan told me on Friday that I should stop dropping unneeded hints all the time. He knows what I want I just have to be patient. My answer? I know I don't need to drop hints, but it makes me feel productive. Like I'm doing something to get what I want instead of just waiting. I'm not good at being patient or waiting this long, I'm trying, really, its just hard. I get anxious when I don't know whats coming next, and I can't plan for it. And I don't like that I only get to see him once a week. He promised he would fix it soon, though I don't know how he plans to do that or what version of soon he was referring to.

Also, after paying rent at the end of the week I will have approximately $14 to my name. I need a job, and I really don't want to continue babysitting. I know its easy money, but I kinda want something a little more legit tax wise, and I'm kinda tired of watching bratty kids. Its tiring.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I'm feeling restless with my life today...well, to be honest, it hasn't been just today that I've felt that way, its been the last couple weeks. I'm not sure where I'm going right now, but I feel like wherever it is, I should have gotten there by now.... I know where I'd like to be, but I don't have much say in getting there at the moment...My life is stuck on pause and I don't like it.

In other news, I'm still looking for another part-time job. It's gotten to the point where I really can't pay all my bills and feed myself on what I'm making right now, but I can't seem to find anything else. The things I would like to do (see previous post) aren't exactly instant money makers. Books take a long time to write and my ideas don't come that fast, and even if they did, finding a publisher is almost impossible, and that only works if the book turns out any good. And modeling only works well for tall, busty blondes. I'm cute, but I look like a 14 year old, and lets be honest, what are the chances of that working out? Plus, the photography thing (you know, what I went to school for) isn't gonna go anywhere until I get a decent camera, and I can't do that without money. Its a vicious cycle.

I had fun this weekend, but at times I get so frustrated...I love my friends, I do, but sometimes I feel like everyone else has problems and struggles and I don't want to throw mine in there too. Like, I know they all know that I'm frustrated with the fact that Ryan hasn't proposed yet, but I almost feel bad talking about it because they're all single, and I can't talk to the ones that are married, because, well, they're married.... I know everyone has something that they struggle with, but I feel like some people unload everything they're feeling but don't take anything in from those around them, or they pretend to but its obvious they aren't really paying attention.

On the occasion that I do talk about my problems with Ryan, a lot of times it comes back to 'I'm the only one left', and the instant response, 'you still have me, and me, and me. We're not getting married anytime soon.' I appreciate the sentiment, but that's not exactly what I mean. I'm the last one left in this limbo period of my relationship. Everyone I know is now either married or single. Either actively starting a new life, or actively looking for someone. All I get to do is wait, and wait alone. I'm not trying to down play anything my friends who are single go through, I know its rough being single. I can't say I know how hard it is to be in a relationship that doesn't end well, but I can imagine, and I know its hard, I don't look at your struggles as insignificant, it's just that I don't understand exactly what you're going through, and you don't really get what I'm going through. So its tough. And how heartless would it seem to complain about not being engaged to a friend you just went through a hard breakup? I'm not that inconsiderate. I just feel like everything gets so stuck in me and I can't get it out, and its not like I can talk to Ryan about it, cause he just gets upset.....

Life...I just wish it would move forward already...

(And I know that there are people out there reading this and not commenting...come on, give me some validation, I don't care if I know you personally or not, leave it anonymously if you have to, but really? Really?)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

So, y'all are gonna think I'm crazy, but I've had this secret dream, since I was in like middle school, to be a model. And watching marathons of ANTM never helps (though I haven't done that in a while). Crazy right, I'm not at all model material, but whatevs, its my dream, I'll make it what I want.

Anyway, so the other day I'm trolling all the posts on craigslist looking for anything interesting and I find this:

Hi. I'm looking to do a concept shoot and would like to use a thin/petite model. The fewer curves the better.... If interested, please email me with a sample photo and any questions you may have. I will be happy to provide details at that time.

So my first thought is, whoa, I have NO curves, I'd be perfect, ha ha, and then I ignored it and moved on. But the thought stuck with me and I went back a day or two later and the post was still there. So I thought 'what the heck, why not at least email the guy'. I mean, I know how hard it is to get people to model for you, especially when you're looking for something specific and you're not offering money.

So I emailed him, and he emailed back (Kara thinks he's a rapist, but whatev, I'm too trusting for that to be my first thought). Due to the fact that I can, at times, look like I've just returned from a prison camp, he said my 'look' would work just fine. So I'm gonna do it, and I'm making Kara come with me for two reasons 1.) So I don't get raped and killed and 2.) I thought it would be a cool experience for her since she's really gotten into her photography lately. Plus, it'll be a good experience for me and my shiz too.

The other dream I've had (since third grade) and not told anyone about was being a writer. I've wanted to be a writer for so long. I used to write little stories and 'publish' them in my own little 'paper' and then hand them out to my family. I even illustrated a couple of them. Unfortuantely, as I got older I kinda stopped writing, I mean, every now and then I'll get a really good line and write it down somewhere, but never anything long enough to do something with.

Well, about 3 months ago, as I was driving home from somewhere, a really good line jumps into my head, and I was like 'oh crap, that is just too good to let go'. So I figured it was time I actually started trying to write the book I've always wanted to write, which is where my other blog came from. Whether or not I'll get anywhere with it is yet to be seen, but who knows, maybe I'll actually finish this one...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

So, Wyatt and little Wyatt (Vickie) had an after party, after their reception (hence the 'after' part of the party). Anyway, there was a lot of alcohol at the after party because there wasn't any at the reception. Now, I'm not a big drinker, but they had rasberry chuck and I didn't realize this until after I already had a green apple. Two drinks usually aren't a problem for me as long as I eat something, and I was kinda eating stuff, but since there was rasberry chuck too, I had 3 drinks, and then Wyatt thought it was funny that I was 'buzzed' so he went and got me another drink, which I only drank half of before Ryan wouldn't let me have it anymore.

I wasn't drunk, I was just buzzed, I swear, I was thinking straight and could balance on one foot and everything, I even remember the whole night, I was just really dizzy, and seeing how I get dizzy easily without help...well, you can imagine. Also, I know that when I get like that, I'm not entirely in control what comes out of my mouth. Not that what I say is terrible, I just usually edit better, mostly its stuff about myself that I usually wouldn't tell anyone. So this time, after a lot of people had already left, Ryan and I were sitting with Dan, Bria, Nathanael, Beth, and Kristin...actually, Beth might not have been with us at that point...anyway, Kristin and I were talking (Ryan was the only other one listening to us) about kids...to be honest, I'm not entirely sure why, but I did tell her that they have to wait so that we can have kids at the same time, that way they can grow up together. I was saying that the other day I had been reading about natural gender selection (which is basically choosing the gender of your baby by the kind of foods you eat and other things like that).

I've been saying for the last year or so that I want 2 kids, but only if the first is a boy, because I don't want to chance having 2 girls. But as I was talking to Kristin about this, I was telling her something I didn't plan on telling anyone...as much as I want 2 kids, I don't really know if I want a boy first or not, because as much as I want a boy and a girl, I really want a girl, and I'm afraid that if I do have a kid that I'll only be able to have one. The reason behind my fear? Endometriosis. Endometriosis is a disease where tissue that lines the uterus also grows outside of the uterus, causeing several things including infertility. I don't know that I have this disease, its just something that I'm afraid of because its characterized by a screwed up menstral cycle, which I have. Now I could just have that because I'm little and my weight yo-yos a lot, or because I'm slightly anemic, or whatever, but it could also be caused by endometriosis. Which is frightening.

So, after having this conversation with Kristin, she gets up for something and while she's gone I look over at Ryan. He looks at me, almost sadly, and says real quiet "You never told me you were worried about that." I just shrugged and looked away, what are you suppost to say to that? "Oh, sorry, I never really planned on telling anyone, let alone you, I just happen to have a little too much tonight and I'm not editting what I say very well." Yeah, I don't think so.

Its not that I didn't want him to know eventually, but...he's always on the look out for me to be manipulating him into marrying me sooner than he wants too. I want kids, and he knows that, but I don't want him to think that I would use something like this to get him to marry me sooner so that I could have kids, or find out if I can anyway. I don't know, maybe that sounds crazy....yeah, it probably does sound crazy, it kinda is, but thats my life. And now one of my biggest fears is out there in the open, so hopfully he'll do something good with it and not just ignore that fact that I'm serioulsy worried about it.

Friday, January 9, 2009

So, I'm in MD for Wyatt and Vickie's wedding, and I'm spending the night at Vickie's. However, anyone who knows Vickie knows she goes to bed the same time any normal 80 year old would (ok, so its not really that early, but hey, I exaggerate, get over it), and I'm the only one here besides her family since all the guys are staying at their apartment with Wyatt. So to occupy my time between when Vic went upstairs to sleep and when I am going to sleep I've been trolling through random blogs. I have to say, and yes, I know this sounds stalkerish, I enjoy reading about other people's lives. The things is, other people are so much more entertaining than I am.

There was this one blog, especiaLEE, that was about an asian girl who lives in LA (or there abouts) and goes to college in Syracuse, there wasn't anything overly special about what she was writing, just what she was doing during her break from school, and how she felt about having to go back, and you know what? It was way more interesting than anything I've written on this blog, aside from maybe that one post about how I was falling apart. I have to admit, that was some pretty dramatic stuff, true, but dramatic all the same.

Why can't my life be cool and interesting? Maybe a better question is why do I bother? No one ever reads this anyway....Though maybe I should put a counter on, that way I would know how many people are actually here and just not commenting...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

So, for the first time today I got to color with the 2 year old I babysit. I've tried coloring with him before, but he always lost interest quickly. Well, he got a Cars color wonder coloring book for Christmas and he was really excited about coloring in it, but like with everything else I HAVE to do it with him or he pouts. Unfortunately he wanted my HELP, which in 2 year old terms means that he wanted to color only where I was coloring and no where else. I, on the other hand, cannot handle coloring in the same place as someone else. I about smacked the kid, he kept pushing my marker out of the way and coloring over what I had already done!

I have no patience for children that color like that. If my children ever tried that with me, they'd lose they're crayons for a week.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Yes, yes I am posting again already, hopefully I'll be able to keep up with this a little better than I have the past year, but who knows.

So I changed the layout...again. I hate boring layouts and I hate cool layouts that don't let you post pictures. Lame.

Anyway, things have been going well, I think mostly I get so desperate sometimes because I can't say this stuff to Ryan's face. I always have things planned that I want to say to him, or I rant at him in my head, but once I actually get in front of him it just doesn't seem that important anymore.

For now my biggest problem is paying all my bills. I NEED another job, but I can't seem to find one at the moment.