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The first thing I did when I got out of bed
Was to fall to my knees and put my hands on my head
When the daylight called me I closed the blinds
Cause without you dear I can’t tell time
And without you dear I can’t tell time

And I thirst for you, and I’m hungry too
And I’m calling in the darkness cause your eyes are blue
The first thing I said when they asked my name
Was that I’m lost in the world and I’m tired of this game
Yes I’m lost in the world and I’m tired of this game

Weeks pass by at an angel’s pace
And the statue by the river leaves an empty space
And they wonder I wander in the whispering wilds
But without you dear I’m a helpless child
And without you dear I’m a helpless child

And I thirst for you, and I’m hungry too
And I’m calm in the darkness cause your eyes are blue
The last thing I said when I asked my name
Is that I’m lost in this world and I’m tired of this game
Yes I’m lost in this world and I’m tired of this game

They found me by the railroad tracks
With a star on my head and an ex on my back
And they called my mother and they asked my age
But without you dear I’m an empty page
And without you darling I’m an empty page

And I search for you in the wind at dawn
And I listen for your voice when the daylight’s gone
And I know you’ll come back when I call your name
And I know that this time is an empty pain
And I know if I call you’ll come back to me
But without you my dear I don’t know how to speak
And without my dear I don’t know how to speak

And I thirst for you, and I’m hungry too
Cause the world is missing colors from your eyes so blue
The only thing I said when they asked my name
Is that I’m lost in this world, and I’m tired of this game
Yes I’m lost in this world, and I’m tired of this game

And I thirst for you, and I’m hungry too
And I’m drinking in the desert cause your eyes are blue
And when I lay in bed I whisper your name
Because I miss you dear and I’m tired of this game
Yes I miss you dear and I’m tired of this game
If you listen close you can hear your name

You cried, you cried
And it killed me on the inside a little
But I’m back again

Here I am playing your song
And singing this to you won’t you sing along with me
I hope that you are out there somewhere listening
And I’m here again, and I’m here again

Do you remember the taste of my lips in the dark
On the hill by the road where you kissed all my tears away?
Lying with me in your bed, lying sweetly
With you in my arms I was happy completely

I breathe, I breathe
And the air is still sweet though you’re not here beside me, you’re
Not my oxygen, I breathe air again

Here I am playing your song
And singing this to you won’t you sing along with me
I hope that you are out there somewhere listening
And I’m here again, and I’m here again

And the moonlight will fade when the sunrise is calling
And I’m alone again, through this song you can
Be right here with me again

You cried, you cried
And I died on the inside a little
But I’m back again, but I’m back again

Threesome

Get your hands off each other, get ‘em on to me
I say something special about 1, 2, 3
Boys in the room, buddy in the middle
Turn around baby are you big, are you little
Well you show me his, he’ll show you mine
We’ll all fit together the way we were designed
It ain’t trashy baby, it’s refined
We got nothing on our hands but time
We got something in our pants it’s fine
Come here tell me what’s on your mind
Don’t call me a whore, call me a crowd pleaser
I’m not a virgin and I’m not a cock teaser
I can’t decide if it’s wrong or if it’s right
There’s a boy in the front and a boy right behind
We got seventeen minutes and an empty room
Candles, handles, and a bottle of lube
Don’t care in the bed, in the chair, on the ground
Put on your gloves, come here, get down
Show me that what you want it and you just might get it
If you’re so damn talented show me how you pivot
Work if you like it
Beg if you want it
The bottom fucking line is we’ve just gotten started
If you wanna make me happy, man
Just throw me down don’t hold my hand
I’ll hold up my end if you hold up yours
Quit stalling baby, just lock the hallway doors

Get your hands off each other, get ’em on to me
I say something special about 1, 2, 3
Boys in the room, buddy in the middle
turn around baby do you want to live a little
running out of time, running out of reasons
Waking up tomorrow I don’t wanna be your boyfriend
Lemme have another round, lemme have another
Do it if you want to I ain’t gonna tell your mother
I’m giving you a secret but you’re not allowed to keep it and I
Only speak from my troubled mind, so ease it
If I really look at myself I don’t wanna be this
Don’t wanna think too hard about it
I just wanna know you I just wanna use you
I just wanna feel like I could love you
It’s nothing personal you could be anybody
This is an alternative to growing up with my body

Don’t make me think about it or I will second guess myself
Don’t make me look you in the eyes or I will tell myself
The truth of the matter is we never did get started
So let me have one night of release and I will come back tomorrow morning

I miss you Megan
You were always my favorite
When you ran away to the southern states
You sent me letters and I always read them

You have babies now
Your seizures are worse than before
And you’ve been doing drugs, and drinking beer
But I remember loud and clear

When we were just children we’d play with our games
You and me walking along dirt roads
But you had to grow up and turn out all wrong
Where is the smart girl who had aspirations
And said that we two would be better than our family was?
Where is my best friend and where is my sister
And where is the girl who filled my life with laughter?

It’s not like I would change the past
I only wish you’d listened to me
And you were so much older then
Even though you were always younger than me
I miss you Megan
And I don’t that I’ll ever see that beautiful girl again
And I hope that you’re doing well, but I don’t want to know
His name or what you named your baby
Just move on away and try to forget me
It’s better this way because you’ve long since changed
But I will still miss you and I’ll still remember
Those games on the floor in your room, you painted the walls green, your
favorite color
I wore your marching band uniform, you would have taken me to prom but you
were already gone
And it’s over and done with but I still remember it
I never had friends but you still believed in me
You still stood up for me
You never cared about how I was so weird
And jumped in the pool with me, even though the water was green
Your favorite color

The most beautiful girl I’ve ever known
They said your laugh was infectious
You taught me to stand up for myself
But then you went and forgot it

I miss you Megan
The seizures have changed you
The years have taken you
But I still remember you

So I’ve recently been getting really into Regina Spektor’s music, even though I’ve known about her and owned some of her albums for a long time, and as such I’ve been feeling really creative, and I can definitely see this far-off dream of creating a musical album coming closer as more and more lyrics start to pour out of me. The journey toward writing again after basically destroying all of my poetry and stories shortly after finishing high school has been long, but I think that I’ve awakened a part of myself that isn’t afraid to speak frankly or to share my own sadness, remorse, and humor honestly. Some of the lyrics I’m about to post here terrified me when I wrote them, but that helps me to know I’ve done an honest job writing them. Expect an update on my long suffering story that will hopefully become a novel someday soon, as well as some material from that. For now I’m going to document some of these new lyrics that I’ve written, and I’m feeling very excited for having written them.

Summer

I could love Jonathon
But I’m not David
‘Cause I don’t fuck women on a regular basis
And I’m not Alexander
But I might be Hephaestian
It all depends on how you conquer
Take me down and break me in
And I could be Achilles if you promise
That you’ll rub my feet
I don’t know if I’m Patroclus
These Grecian boys are all in heat
If there is any male in you
Then I would like it
If there isn’t a male in you
Then I will fix that
I’ve been saving my seeds for the summer
But winter is always warmer

Virus

I’m not safe in Moscow
The brightly colored cathedral will not welcome me inside
I’m not safe in North Carolina
My home is not my land of pride
And people wanna know
“Hey there young man what are you thinking?”
But I don’t wanna tell them
I don’t drink the drink they’re drinking
But still
I feel
I am a virus
And still
They say
“These people want to kill us.”
I’m not safe in the town square
Even though the stoners always like me
I’m not safe in the roadside cafe
In the bathroom stalls or in the school auditorium assembly
I’m not safe in the country I live in
And I’m not safe in the countries I don’t
And I am white and I am male
But that doesn’t mean I’m safe at all
I am a virus
I am a plague
Come to destroy your children
I am a sickness
And I am a weakness
And I am everything you’re hiding
I’m not a martyr but I bet you would like that
Cause I’m not safe anywhere
I don’t want a savior but no one would save me
The people who hate me secretly want to rape me
I am a virus, I am a virus, I am a virus
I’m not safe behind stained glass windows
I’m not safe in my family’s house
I’m not safe in the arms of my father
And I would leave this planet but there’s no way out
I’ll never be a martyr and I’ll never be a father and I’ll never date your daughter and I’ll never live in a big house with antlers on the walls
I’ll never feel at home here, but I’ll never be alone here
I am what you’re afraid of
I am the virus inside of you
And the virus my love is the truth