The Idiot’s Guide to the KdV Parade – 2014 Barfly Edition

THIS IS IMPORTANT; READ IT CAREFULLY OR DIE!When is the KdV Parade?The Parade is on Saturday, February 15, 2014.I’ve been in this parade before, why should I read this crap?Like lightning and chicken poop, KdV rarely strikes in the same place. Reading this peerless prose will insure you show up in the right location..Where does it go?The parade starts and ends at the same place – the new improved Trash Palace warehouse at the corner of Elysian Fields and Chartres on the west side of Elysian Fields. Enter through the roll-up door on the Chartres Street side.A map of the route is on the Krewe du Vieux web site at www.kreweduvieux.org.When does the parade start?The parade starts at 6:30 PM sharp. We should get back to the ball site at around 9:00 to 10:00 pm.What order are we in the parade?CRUDE is FLOAT NUMBER 10.When should I get to the Den of Muses?Don’t go there, dammit!Then where the hell should I go? I’m so confused!Man, you’re dense. Once again, the parade will assemble at Elysian Fields and Chartres. You can’t miss it. Krewes will wait inside until it is time to join the float, which will be parked outside.OK, fine, when should I be there?There will be a pre-parade party between 4:00 and 6:00 PM Saturday. Please do not come any earlier than 4:00, but arrive in plenty of time to get a beer, look at the costumes, take pictures, and get your wristband. There are 900+ people in the Krewe du Vieux, most of whom are in various stages of drunkenness, to try to get organized, which is no easy feat. Most importantly, you need to get your wrist band from Amy. Give your captains a break and show up early so we can get you your wrist band well before we’re supposed to line up behind the float.There will be a bar serving FREE BEER to get you in the mood.Why do I need a wrist band?The wrist band is your ticket for the Ball. It also admits you into the reserved Krewe area and gives you access to the FREE beer and set ups at the special krewe bar.What happens if I don’t get a wrist band or lose it?You are completely fucked and we keep your money and drink your share of the beer.Can I park near the parade?Parking may be a challenge. Do NOT park along the parade route as cars WILL BE TOWED. Arranging alternative transportation, such as a cab, would be an even better idea.How do I find my krewe at the ball site?We will have a table inside to congregate. If you can bring some food to share, that would be great! Plug-in food warmers, however, are not allowed since we don’t’ want to run the risk of blowing a fuse.The mules are adorable and remind me of a night club act I saw once in Matamoros. Can I pet them?Mules are large, dangerous beasts with tempers only slightly less short than your krewe captains. There is a reason CRUDE has elected not to use mules. Each mule comes with their own handler. Ask them before approaching the mule, since they’ll likely know what sort of mood they’re in. DO NOT EVER WALK BEHIND THE MULES. Mules have been known to kick and can potentially kill you with a well-placed kick to the noggin. Treat them with respect and approach with caution! You are, however, welcome to pet our human mules, but we can’t be responsible for the reaction. Should I get drunk as a skunk before the parade?OK, I ignored my own advice a couple of years ago and lived to regret it. The parade is only half of the fun. We have actually had to put people in a cab before the parade even started ‘cause they were falling down drunk. Don’t let this happen to you, because we will make fun of you and put your picture on the web after you’ve thrown up on yourself. Being co-captain was the only way I avoided this shame. Drink plenty of water and make sure you have something to eat. Don’t overdo it early or you won’t enjoy yourself later on. There will be plenty of opportunities to get shit-faced so you might as well postpone it until later.

What should I bring to throw?This ain’t Endymion. Don’t bring more than you can physically carry. We areencouraging people to be kinder to the planet and consider alternative throws besides beads. The Farmacia sells coasters, bandanas, and other things that would make good throws. Flower canes, garters, and other light things are also good. Please plan to pack out your trash. Unlike the monster krewes, the city will not provide us with trash pick-up. Be kind to our neighbors that welcome us to their neighborhood.Can I store throws on the float?There is no room on the float for peoples’ throws, particularly now that we have figures on the front. Just don’t worry about carrying a ton o’ shit and relax and enjoy yourself.I am obsessively generous and want to throw a ton o’ shit. What about a shoppingcart full of beads? Wouldn’t that be great?That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster. People (including myself) have tried shopping carts, golf carts, luggage carts, wheeled ice chests and wagons. Anything with small wheels will not make it over the streets in the Quarter. At some points everyone will either get bunched up or have to go single file through the crowd lining the street, at which point people are tripping over your shit and cursing your name. Believe me, if you bring anything like this, you will live to regret it only slightly less than if you were to lose your wrist band.Well, if I can’t load all my crap on the float, where can I put all the stuff I might want to have with me when I get to the ball site (dry clothes if it threatens rain, munchies, a parade chair, a bottle of booze, condoms, etc.)?Since we leave from and return to the same place, you can just leave it before the parade starts. The ball site will be open from 10:00 until Noon on Saturday for you to drop your shit off. The area should be fairly secure. Although I don’t know that I’d leave that $4,000 Canon EOS digital camera, most things you can afford to lose should be safe. I would not leave anything you can’t live without. Some of those other krewes look pretty sketchy.

CLEARLY MARK ANYTHING YOU LEAVE AT THE BALL SITE

WITH YOUR NAME AND YOUR KREWE.

Where do I go when I get back to the Ball site with the parade?

Do NOT follow the float into the Ball Site. CRUDE’s float is one of 7 that will be parked inside the ball site. Instead, continue walking around the corner to the roll-up door on Chartres Street. Make sure you catch the Brass Band Jam starting around 9:30 PM.. Have a drink, relax, get something to eat and then go to the dance floor and dance your ass off.Will I be able to get my non-krewe friends into the Ball?Tickets are available in advance for sale to krewe members at La Farmacia, Den of Muses Architect Place, The public can buy tickets at Up in Smoke 2101 Magazine St. and Louisiana Music Factory at their new Frenchman St. location after Saturday.Will I be able to get all of my friends to the Krewe area at the ball?Absolutely not! We all paid for this privilege and sneaking your cheap-ass buds in to drink our beer is not acceptable. You and your friends will be ‘bout as welcome as a hole in a condom.Anything else I need to know?Unlike the stuffy, bourgeois one-percenter krewes, the city doesn’t clean up after us in the neighborhoods we parade through. Please be mindful we are passing in front of peoples’ homes and dispose of your trash in an environmentally respectful manner.I know there’s something you’re not telling us.Well, since you asked . . .being egalitarian 99 percenters, we have to clean up the ball site ourselves. Your assistance will be critical to guaranteeing the future goodwill of our hosts. Please show up at the ball site at 11AM to help with the clean-up. Bloody Marys will be provided. We cannot emphasize enough the need for your help. As a reward, you get to go through peoples’ forgotten personal effects and lost recreational substances