Monday, March 20, 2006

a tribute to Mitch Hedberg

*The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless.

*This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing."

*I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

*I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

*I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude — you have to wait!"

*I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

*I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl that would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

"In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him."