(Closed) October engagement is out, will probably be waiting until (late) December

SO and I had a talk on Saturday night, and I wasn’t exactly thrilled with the results. (I didn’t bring the topic of engagement up, but I did ask him if he’d like to have a Disney fairytale wedding, b/c I was watching the David Tutera episode when he talks about those.) I’d been secretly hoping he was planning to propose on our 6 year anniversary on Oct 27. But when I mentioned this to him, he pretty much guaranteed me that’s not going to happen. He says he only has $800 in the “ring fund” at the moment and wants to have at least $1,500 before buying anything. When he told me to expect my ring around the holidays, I reminded him that he only has until 11:59 on New Years Eve to pop the question. He reminded me again that he HAS A PLAN (God I hate that phrase!) and it will happen before 2013.

As if that wasn’t disappointing enough, he admitted to me that he is scared of getting engaged, and even more scared of eventually getting married. I understand that he is wary of marriage, because his parents got divorced when he was young. His father remarried and a few years later divorced SO’s step-mother. But I reminded him that he is not his father, and we make our own future. I also reminded him that he told me he’d been scared to move in together a few years ago as well, and that turned out fine. I just don’t understand why, after six years, he’s still not ready to take the plunge.

He also mentioned that he’s afraid I’m going to want to jump right into wedding planning as soon as we get engaged. I know we’re going to have at least a 2 year engagement, because we have NO money to put towards a wedding at the moment. But I enjoy looking at bridal magazines and watching “My Fair Wedding” and all that. Apparently that freaks him out, so now I’m going to have to hide it better, which makes ME feel like I’m doing something wrong! I’m not “planning” anything – I have no idea what our colors might be, what type of dress I might want, or even what venues we might consider. But at the ripe old age of 34, I feel like I should be able to look at wedding stuff without feeling like I’m doing something illegal or immoral!

You can look at wedding stuff all you want, but sometimes when people do that, it gives men this idea of “expectation” — like if you’re looking at wedding stuff that means you want things to happen right away, in a certain fashion, etc.

If your SO is going to propose to you before 2013, he is ready to be engaged, certainly, and as for not wanting to immediately get married, it can do with finances and other things like that which some men feel the need to get squared away before they feel like they can provide for their wives. My SO and I have had this discussion, and while we’ve decided when to get married, he has told me that he feels bad about not feeling “rich enough” to provide me with all of the things I deserve — and he even has a stable career! In many marriages the man is the primary breadwinner, and with that responsibility, as antiquated as it may be, comes worries about whether or not they have enough in their minds to successfully provide for your lives.

Perhaps if you are feeling put off by his hesitance to get married, I would ask him if he wants to ever get married…period, and go from there.

Anway. I am in your group too. My initial internal deadline was The End of the World (12/21/12) and then I moved it to V-day to account for the oh-so-wonderful Income Tax check. But have now moved my internal deadline to the Spring Equinox of 2013…because one of my friend in my New-Agey circle convinced me. that she had a feeling… and that’s fine…it still gives me 18 months from the date up top.

I FEEL YOU. AT least he has 800 in the ring fund…my SO has -200 in the fund

@elle_z:You can look at wedding stuff all you want, but sometimes when people do that, it gives men this idea of “expectation” — like if you’re looking at wedding stuff that means you want things to happen right away, in a certain fashion, etc.

Yes, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He knows that financially we’re not ready to get married any time soon. He’s also woefully unaware of how expensive weddings are, especially in New York. When I told him we’d be lucky to only spend $10k on a wedding for 100 people, he thought I was joking. Needless to say, I won’t be giving him any info like that again any time soon (at least until he’s finally put a ring on it!)

I have asked him if he does ever want to get married, and he said yes. But, in his words, “things are great the way they are now.” Blah.

@mrssoontobeh: Actually, I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. SO is undecided. I’ve warned him that if we do one day decide we want them, it’s might be a lot harder to have them down the road than it would be if we did it in the near futre.

@Sapphire-Dreamer: Not sure what you wrote before you edited, so I can’t comment on that. I actually told my SO a couple years back that I wanted to get married on 12/21/12 to prove that our love could last through the “end of the world” lol. (I’m big on apocalyptic stuff.) He wasn’t into that idea (& he’s not into the apocalyptic stuff at all lol).

I told SO that an $800 ring would be fine, but he refuses to budge from the number he’s set for himself (between $1-2k). That stinks your SO has a negative amount in the fund. Hopefully he can put a good chunk of change in there soon!

Whenever SO thinks I’m getting ahead of myself just for LOOKING, I remind him that just because he looks up car things and like looking at pictures of Ferraris and the like doesn’t mean 1) he’s going to buy one and 2) that it’s ASAP!

@love108: LOL great point! It’s just like him looking at 70 inch tv’s and other things he can’t have right now! 😉

@linssi: yeah, the holidays aren’t that far away, I’m just just very impatient! I’m not exactly “planning” because I wouldn’t choose anything without his input. He is a bit weird, but he’s got an extremely dysfunctional family so I think that’s had a huge effect on his feelings about relationships and marriage unfortunately. He is seeing a therapaist tho, and I think she’s helping him realize that he CAN have a successful marriage despite everything that happened with his parents.