Giving Sports a Roundhouse Kick to the Nuts

Sunday, April 08, 2012

The 'Big Noodle' at Wrigley is a trailblazer

Kraft Foods recently erected the new "Big Noodle" outside of Wrigley Field -- a statue that looks like a giant macaroni noodle topped with cheese and bacon pieces, which emits the smell of fried pork belly every 10 minutes to 15 minutes on game days (we're serious). While the structure partly serves as an ad for a new Kraft product, it mostly just bolsters stereotypes of Chicagoans as a bunch of cheese-eating, meat byproduct-guzzling hairy rubes.

Not to be outdone, corporations and ballpark owners across the Majors are scrambling to build their own appropriately awful, city-centric structures. Here are statues already in the works:

• Padres: Giant fish taco that emits the smell of mahi-mahi• Mariners: A homeless burnt coffee bean with a soul patch that emits patchouli • Reds: Big Grippo's chip that farts chili • Brewers: A cheese curd eating a giant brat • Yankees: Fried vomit emitting the smell of a standard New York subway • Red Sox: A monument of a giant restraining order• Blue Jays: A statue of tour-de-talent Dave Coulier• Pirates: A sandwich with fries on it, being held up by an imaginary fan• Orioles: A statue of Bubs that emits a smell of crack-cocaine

• Dodgers: Mexican black market saline implant bags

• Rockies: A 'tasty gnarly nug' that emits the smell of kind bud every day at 4:20• Rays: A statue of an Oxycontin pill that emits the smell of poppy fields and white trash, and plays an endless loop of Creed's greatest hits

• Royals - A statue of George Brett that screams profanities, spits tobacco and gooses a hooters waitresses

• Rangers: A monument dedicated to the electric chair that emits the smell of burnt flesh• Tigers: An abandoned building that smells like burnt oil• Astros: A poorly planned strip mall that emits the smell of fat sweat

• Phillies: A statue of a Cheesesteak punching a toddler in the face

• Marlins: A douchebag that emits a mix of tanning oil and bullshit while happily wearing a pair of Uggs

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The 'Big Noodle' at Wrigley is a trailblazer

Kraft Foods recently erected the new "Big Noodle" outside of Wrigley Field -- a statue that looks like a giant macaroni noodle topped with cheese and bacon pieces, which emits the smell of fried pork belly every 10 minutes to 15 minutes on game days (we're serious). While the structure partly serves as an ad for a new Kraft product, it mostly just bolsters stereotypes of Chicagoans as a bunch of cheese-eating, meat byproduct-guzzling hairy rubes.

Not to be outdone, corporations and ballpark owners across the Majors are scrambling to build their own appropriately awful, city-centric structures. Here are statues already in the works:

• Padres: Giant fish taco that emits the smell of mahi-mahi• Mariners: A homeless burnt coffee bean with a soul patch that emits patchouli • Reds: Big Grippo's chip that farts chili • Brewers: A cheese curd eating a giant brat • Yankees: Fried vomit emitting the smell of a standard New York subway • Red Sox: A monument of a giant restraining order• Blue Jays: A statue of tour-de-talent Dave Coulier• Pirates: A sandwich with fries on it, being held up by an imaginary fan• Orioles: A statue of Bubs that emits a smell of crack-cocaine

• Dodgers: Mexican black market saline implant bags

• Rockies: A 'tasty gnarly nug' that emits the smell of kind bud every day at 4:20• Rays: A statue of an Oxycontin pill that emits the smell of poppy fields and white trash, and plays an endless loop of Creed's greatest hits

• Royals - A statue of George Brett that screams profanities, spits tobacco and gooses a hooters waitresses

• Rangers: A monument dedicated to the electric chair that emits the smell of burnt flesh• Tigers: An abandoned building that smells like burnt oil• Astros: A poorly planned strip mall that emits the smell of fat sweat

• Phillies: A statue of a Cheesesteak punching a toddler in the face

• Marlins: A douchebag that emits a mix of tanning oil and bullshit while happily wearing a pair of Uggs

Dick Towel? Dick Towel!

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