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‘My husband cheated with his neighbour – is it normal for me to still get angry?’

‘My husband cheated with his neighbour – is it normal for me to still get angry?’

By DRUM

12 January 2019

Photo: Getty Images.

Sis Dolly answers some burning questions from our readers.

I CAN’T FORGIVE HIM

Question

I’m 30 and I got married this year. My hubby cheated on me with his neighbour before we got married. I thought I’d forgiven him but whenever I see this woman I become worried and angry. Is this normal or am I overreacting? I only agreed to get married because he said he was no longer seeing her. I don’t think he is, but I still feel bad.

Answer

Your reaction might mean that you were in denial regarding how you really felt about the infidelity and now you’re having a delayed reaction. This might have been caused by your feelings at the time being clouded by the excitement of getting married – nothing was going to spoil your wedding day – and so you were looking at things through rose-tinted glasses. The fact that the woman in question lives so close to you was not something you were even thinking about at the time. But now that you’ve sobered up from all the excitement, reality has hit home. What needs to happen now is for you to face up to what took place between your husband and his neighbour. You need to acknowledge the feelings this evokes in you because that’s the only way you’ll be able to heal. Going for individual counselling can help you deal with your feelings and find a way to talk to your husband about it. He can possibly become part of these sessions when the counsellor thinks you’re ready and hopefully you’ll get to a point where you can enjoy your marriage.

WILL SHE TRUST ME AGAIN?

Question

I’m a 41-year-old man living in Mpumalanga and I’m in love with a dark, beautiful woman. We’ve been together for five years. I love her so much but the problem is I broke her heart and now we’ve split up. I can’t move on because I love her too much. I’ve tried many things to fix this situation but she doesn’t want to resolve the problem. Please help me because I’m a changed man and I want to propose to her.

Answer

Trust in a relationship is a delicate matter. Once broken it’s difficult to rebuild, especially for the person who feels like they were the victim in whatever has transpired. The truth is no matter how much you try to convince your woman that you’re now a changed man, it will be very difficult for her to believe you because of her past experience. She might not even believe that you genuinely want to propose to her – in her mind you’re only doing it because you feel guilty. Bottom line: it’s a high mountain to climb for a woman who has been deeply hurt, and she may not ever be able to see you in the same light again. Her reaction is typical of someone who was deeply in love – under those circumstances there’s very little room for disappointment. And now that you’ve hurt her she’s not so willing to offer up her heart again. Your best bet is to go to a relationship counsellor who can help you tell your side of the story in a way she’ll be willing to hear. If that doesn’t work and she’s still not willing to forgive you, you need to understand that it’s time to move on. Contact Families South Africa on 011-975-7106/7 to book a session with a relationship or counsellor in your area, or to find a branch near you. Good luck.

WE HAVE EYE PROBLEMS

Question

I’m 28 years old and live in Soweto. When I was young I injured my eye and ended up with something called exotropia. Now my first child seems to be having the same problem and I’m scared to have any more children because I know how difficult it is to live with this sort of thing – especially at school. What should I do?

Answer

The condition you’re referring to is caused by misalignment of the eyes, where one or both eyes turn outward, away from the nose. It’s the opposite of being crossed-eyed. Your condition was brought on by injury but if your child has the same thing it might mean there’s something in your genes. However, exotropia isn’t a disability and can be treated. You need to take your child to an ophthalmologist for a proper diagnostic assessment. They’ll be able to determine whether this can be corrected with vision therapy, eye glasses or surgery. And remember – you’re actually in a better position to support your child because you have been through this and can talk to them with real understanding of what they’re experiencing. Early intervention is the best thing for your child so don’t waste time – go and get some professional help.