9.28.2005

once a month i have a small mental breakdown that revolves around my being a female. the unfortuante part is that i am taken off guard every single time, as if shot with a powerful drug. hormones do a body trainwreck city.

additionally i came down with a conflict with one of my siblings. an underlying, five month ago issue that never was expressed to me, 'the responsible party.' i knew that something was wrong or quite awry between he and i, but not something from a blog i posted several several months ago, mentioning his name. has this happened to you before? i did not think i had to be so so so discrete about blogging. but he said that in googling his name my "increminating" blog arose from the masses and blantantly called him out. well i found that blog and i will not apologize for anything i wrote at that time. although i will say that he was extremely hurt and pained by the incident i mention in the previous blog. so even though i did not destroy his name in the headlines he felt the need to embarass me and make me feel utterly ashamed for my expression in front of the rest of my family. i will go off here: about the grudges we crutch, the fear we wrap up in and comfort ourselves with. i am disgusted by grudges as if they were satan himself hidden in an attitude. i know it is only by god's grace that i am free from holding grudges, non forgiveness of other's actions. i have other major issues, sin in all sorts of shapes and sizes that manifest themselves in my life. but non forgiveness is just not one i truly, honestly struggle with.

the grudge takes you off guard, a low blow to gut, behind the knees. (last night, i finished a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.) finally finally finally...why has it got to end in such a way? do any of you know or understand?

i have felt an extreme amount of pressure. self imposed you could say. find a new job, find a new home, resign a lease, find time to change the oil, clean the bathtube, craft, corner the art exhibiting market, spend time with mother, aunt, and sister n law. find time to work and really work. the pressure was seriously mounting last week. thursday i hit my head several times with my office telephone. what came over me? the tragedy of being a woman, supposedly.

i also have again found solice in my journaling, the black book keeping up with my daily walk. i sit infront of the television watching charlie rose with zadie smith and nightline with dr. wood-former FDA director of Women Studies & Health. topics of the morning after pill, surviving a hurricane, autumn planting, martha stewart's new show(s), cloning like comparing identical-fraternal twins. all these thoughts running havoc on my brain.

i am nearly sick of being told how i should prepare for the worst disasters. but i am thrilled to be at home on friday nights. inspired. a new way of seeing.

ART:21 HELP ME! THIS IS TOO AMAZING! NO ONE EVEN SPEAKS OF IT! how can that be? so check it:

9.14.2005

i was fortuanately informed by one fast 'tag' player that i left out '5 years ago.' the process of trying to remember five years ago seems treachorous in so many ways. but i think i'll be able to come up with something.

5 years ago: oh dear, let's see. i know that five years ago i was living at the rogers compound in a little cottage-ish apartment, that was too too too too small. but cheap and necessary for me. a safe, guiding quality. jennifer green kring was @ libre' in england and we were talking about moving in with one another. getting a house, making art, having parties, you name it. i was at that time working full time as a shift a @ cvs pharmacy. i was painting in jeff's studio space throughout the entire year, with kate. i spent many a night out a bonfire. including the holiday nights. with the terney's, english's, rudy's and um let see who else? i remember one new years, we all gathered and drank, ate, smoked and sang, we even went around the gigantic circle renaming ourselves, something more symbolic. i do not remember the name that was given to me. i just remember amy gast getting the name acorn, because she'd had a little boy, naming him oak judah. 5 songs I know the words to: i do not remember any entire songs, by memory. i listen to music all of the time, but rarely know the words or the title/track. i whistle to most any music. but i do not listen to country or oldies. if a cd player, i'll know the words, but if the music isn't playing i'm not remembering. although i have songs i constantly sing over and over again.5 things i'd do with 100 million: tithe, buy a husband, buy kids, buy a house, kill the dj.5 places I'd run away to: new york city to see erin petrella, atl to see kate, seattle to see sara c., cairo, and my nice big bed. horray!!!

5 things I'd never wear: a tube top, tight-rolled pants, plastic earrings-specifically hoops in bold neon colors, push up bra, and staletto(sp?) heels5 favorite TV shows: martha stewart, what not to wear, pbs-reality shows like pioneer days or the regency, david letterman, little house on the praire

5 biggest joys: in christ, my family: my mom:carol ann, my pops:great scott, my brothers:ethan&aaron and their wives mary a.k.a m.c. and laurie coe collierthe birth of josiah james knutson on feb. 3 2003. who is not my son, but my best friend's son.tiny tiny things all little plastic toys and trinketsbeautiful found paper/stickers or objects on the sidewalk like glass or a cool rockthe swarming starlings at dusk-that are now being sprayed with grape chemical. yikes! ban the scenic city!

nubblyi'll have to link some others later.as for now, that is all i've got in me.i also wanted to mention that i am indeed getting help. for my smoking. that is. everyone-georgia, matt, mom and the rest of the uoha gang are all nagging me to death. so maybe prayers are in order, and also the weight for my health has got to fly.

9.13.2005

unfortunately i have no portrait to offer this fine tuesday afternoon. all cameras have been put away for the time being, for no reason at all. except for the fact that photo-graphing anything hasn't been all that inspiring lately, including photographs of myself. in august i filled my flickr to the brim, no more uploading, boohoo, begging for a pro account. trade for a pro account, plasma or platletts for a pro account. so instead i am going to recognize the need for beautiful classic, sometimes cursive handwriting. have you noticed handwriting (cursive) not required of students today? i've just heard from the working moms. humum?

additionally my mom has written a riveting opinion piece about the goings on, on frazier. check it out here.

10 years ago: i was 19, almost 20. living in my aunt cathy's cottage for a mere $75.00 a month (conditional on being in college, which i was and wasn't). i was driving a red four door nissan sentra '88 with the back corner window busted out of it. and a transmission about to go go go. i skipped classes, dropped out of school second semester, after skipping classes and dropping out first semester. i really thought i had to go to college. i really thought studying art was going to be my thing. not a chance. i think i was working at food lion as a cashier or at the barn nursery (plants) as a cashier. i was still hanging out with my highschool b.f., marc pembroke, rollerblading, traveling to knoxville and atlanta a whole lot, i even dyed my hair blue at one point. i got my one and only tattoo of two hearts intersected, star of david style, off of a leonard cohen book, 'book of mercy.' foolish little rebellious girl, destroying herself by unrepentence and neglect. i had not started smoking cigarettes yet though. 1 year ago: ooo this one is difficult for me to own up to, just like 10 years ago. i was dating someone, thinking about moving to hawaii, getting married et cetera. working @ uoha, but not at the ole rx, quite yet. i was spending alot of time sleeping, gaining weight, crying internally over a stupid ass long distance relationship. working on the mural.

Yesterday: i woke up at seven twenty am and made coffee, ate a bowl of raisin bran, smoked 2 cigarettes. got a shower(wash, blow & go), dressed, drove to work. was around ten minutes late to work. jumped into getting precert numbers for patient scans and hospital admits, posted all charges and my payments. while amy p. is on vacation i'm supposed to cover and post her payments. yikes!!! had a good day until 4 and then everything went awry. thought i was actually going to cry for a minute, medicaid of georgia sucks ass! it is that oncology is so darn expensive and they want details details details. i worked until 6, laurie coe collier called to see if i would come to dinner, i cancelled. went home after work, laid in bed and read dave eggers and took a small nap. woke up and ate mint choc. chip bryer's ice cream. worked on a surprise for someone, cannot tell. :)

9.11.2005

here it is the end of the weekend at the parentals, spending some sit down time with the mom person. i had to work today, but had to get some of my mom's very special chicken salad on a plate of mixed greens. yummy. about the only meat i'll eat these days. i'm trying, have been trying for a while now to cut meat entirely out of my diet. it has truly helped shed these twenty or so pounds. i'm still above my bmi, but i'm alright with that. just gotta keep cutting out the fat. there is a blow to the head. spending time with mom, getting the rest of the family news.

ethan and mary, my brother and sister n law were out last night or maybe friday with another couple. walking along frazier ave. they were approached by a group of boys. who proceeded to harass ethan and justin about wanting to hold hands with their wives. ethan asked them to quit and as ethan was walking away, on of the fifteen boys came up behind him and closed fisted hit him in the back of the head. of course mary was upset and so was kelly, justin's wife. calling the police, filing a report and charges. shaking up the blood and making my bro-ther feel terrible. ethan has always had guns, interest only, fun shooting. he now will be getting a permit, so will my dad. shocking, but true.

i was with my friend matt around a month ago on the same street in my car. and a group of boys on the corner started yelling at us, taunting and laughing our direction. making fun, i think, being stupid. it evidentally is becoming a problem. we shall see.

my aunt's dog, tasha died yesterday or today. sad news. pets are a foreign experience for me. but i am too sad for my aunt. whose been crying.

i am in my uniform, wanting to go home. long day. also the anniversary of nine eleven. four years since my housefire too. praise god for his protection and guidance. i am so grateful. also thanks kate for the phonecall friday night. always a beautiful feeling to talk with you. i'll catch up with you all tomorrow when i'm back at the nine to five work force. yeehaw.

9.08.2005

melmine galore! will floor you at french bull. i know you all have seen it before, but stop to smell the color one more time, just one more time. timeless, classic images inspiring a new generation of kitchen's around the world, i suppose. after my housefire i decided on melmine/melmac dishes. my aunt was so sweet to get on ebay and pur-Chase almost every line of color for me. i even have seen martha stewart's line at kmart, but alas kmart has departed from the scenic city. what shall we do?

and i do do do love this tiny little bird purse made by kelly lynn at little paper planes. i have been spending a whole lot of time adrift in the great abyss of the www. there is so much to see and ponder. a timeless gaze upon the most of everything. i found parcel. thanks to matt b and his friend anna. giving me a yellow chick from the lot.

i know i've not been about blogging, i'm too busy. this weekend is all work, no play. i'm looking forward to next weekend. until then.

9.01.2005

finally i must say that god is sovereign all of the time. within the frustration and the joy, in and out of my strengths and weaknesses. i am amazed and staggered. oh at this moment i cannot think of a way to help those suffering in the south. i am financially limited most of the time so contributing fundage is an expectation i cannot meet, but no excuse. i have gone to new orleans only one time.

i went about eight years ago with one digamus dawg-darren hawk. we decided to stay at saint bernard's, which by the way is under a massive amount of water, i believe. we had decided to drive through the night and get down to the city by three the next day. we went to the campground first to get a site and then to the city for dinner. we left the majority of our belongings in 'olivia,' darren's blue volvo station wagon. thinking security. walking back from dinner i noticed what looked like someone hanging out at the wheel of his car. 'wouldnn't it be crazy/hilarious if someone broke into your car?' we had heard that n.o. was kind of ridden with crime...but sure enough as we walked closer to the car, our stuff-backpacks, shoes, clothes, journals, money, et cetera was stolen or spread across the sidewalk. insanity smacked my brain, disbelief and anger. we did not know it, but we had parked our car in the freak ghetto.

...i am back, i have been away for around a week or so. had to stop in the middle of my story of new orleans. today is actually wednesday september 07. back to it. we flagged down a cop and filed a report of our stolen belongs. decided to make a go of the trip, despite the fact that we had no clothes, toothbrushes, socks or second pair of shoes or moolah (my $$$ was taken, darren had his on him). we had a good time and made the most of our experience. i fell into the green swamp and we snuck onto a huge huge huge ship like vessel, climbing a rope ladder up a hundred feet or so, walked around and found no one on the ship. i do no think i've told anyone of that. super dooper sketchy thing to do.

i became really upset about losing my journal/sketchbook. i was mad and felt like god took away something very valuable to me. little did i know he was about to turn my thoughts upside down. a few months later i was out and came home to a message on my answering machine. it was the voice of a woman, andrea who said that she and her husband we from new orleans and would be up in chattanooga @ the choo choo for a marriage conference. they were interested in meeting with me and believed they had some of my things. i flew off the handle, could not catch my breath, called darren screaming. i remember he got mad because he thought something really bad had happened to me. several weeks later we arranged for andrea and her husband jay to come visit me. i made sure darren was going to be there and sure enough they had my journal, not my black sketchbook. jay was/is a contractor, doing construction/renovation at the time on the ghetto. he said that he had noticed all of the stuff in dumpsters piling and overflowing each day and kinda knew when new stuff appeared in the trash. he noticed a book with an envelope sticking out of it, with my name and address on it. he gathered up the few things lying around the area and brought them home. they began the process of tracking me down. amazing i being in chattanooga, them going to the conference. professing believers, andrea admitting that she' d read my journal and had been praying for me. crazy crazy times!!!

so i was thinking...could i track andrea and jay down? i don't know, they wrote down their address and phone number and i did try to call, but no connection to n.o. i can't make out their last name, so i haven't been able to do a white pages search. they may have moved out of n.o. years ago, considering my time there was in 1997 or something like that. but they did say anytime i wanted i could visit. wish i could help them out somehow.

i have been sick sick sick. all i have been doing is traveling between my bed and the couch. i have gotten my fill of katrina and the despair. i am completely overwhelmed, flabbergasted by all of it. the media coverage feels misleading at times. i feel frustration with the feds, but you know i have had a whole lot of time to write in my journal. facts and quotes. i feels better than this even. yesterday i talked with jen kring and she's moving back up to chattanooga from lakeland flordia in about four to six weeks. cannot believe that bit o' news.

mom found a want ad from a job at memorial's heart institute, may apply, need to apply today. pray that i am motivated, pray that i become well enough to put together a kick ass resume. i don't know i'm most definitely conflicted by the whole thing.

this is my no waste wednesday, being at work even though i am sick. not gonna waste another sick day on this b.s. summer flu crap. i have got to forget about myself for a minute.