jumping into the blogging world - 2 feet first, eyes wide shut!
Mostly I want a medium to talk (to myself or other people) about my addiction to food. I'm about to embark on a journey through Overeaters Anonymous - I also want a way to keep a commentary as I struggle to find the way to a healthier me.

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Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday weigh in - and rewards!

Rewards...they're hard for me. My brain has always turned to food which turned to guilt so what the heck kind of reward is that?! I have a hard time giving myself credit for the things I do. At work I'm pretty full of myself - I am a decent employee and I know my job very well. But my personal life - my personal achievements? Unless someone else hands me my "prize", I'm not helping myself.
When I first set out on this journey, I told myself (and my husband) that I was going to reward myself every 10 pounds with a massage. And not just any massage - a scrub and massage with my favorite spa. And 27 pounds later, I still haven't made my appointment. Until this week. I finally worked some comp time, took a 1/2 day off and went to my massage. AHHHHHHH

Now I need to figure out how to convince myself that I DO deserve it. Because I do work hard - every day. And this isn't easy. And I am making progress. And so while most of us realize what NSV are (non-scale victories), I'm going to come up with NFR: Non food rewards.
Part of my issue is that in the past, rewards have always been food related. How many of us have set out to lose weight and told ourselves "as soon as I hit XXX pounds, I'm going to eat *fill in the blank*" Well, that's not healthy. That's how I got here.
Work hard? Get a candy bar. Work out? Extra bagel. Smaller pants? we're going out to eat!! 2 steps forwad, one step back.
My crooked brain used to watch the calorie read out on the treadmill. *Danger danger danger* 240 calories is a snickers bar for FREE. By free I mean 0 net calories. But I paid a far larger price by not changing my habits.
So now I'm going to re-wire how I think. I'm going back to my 10 pound reward system. And I'm sticking to it until my brain realizes that this is healthy - and for life. There's no buffet at the finish line. There's not even really a finish line. There's a goal weight, sure, but even that's up for discussion. What's not up for discussion is binge eating, unhealthy relationship with food, and going back to old habits.
So here I sit - scrubbed and rubbed - just thrilled that I went through with it. Spa days are heaven. When I'm getting a massage, I"m able to relax, turn off all the voices (it takes a little while to get there but I do eventually), and enjoy myself. I feel pampered and special. I don't worry about "does she think I'm fat?" or "I hope she's not grossed out by my body" as I'm laying there starkers on the table. It all melts away.
So it's an appropriate reward. And I may try and think of a 5 pound reward as well - although a much less expensive one - just to try and get my brain to realize that food is NOT the only reward.
Or may tie in NSV with NFR - a new shirt for each new size jeans? Or some clothing related reward having to do with what size I'm at? If anyone has any suggestions for rewarding a change in thinking - I'm all ears!

And - drum roll - scale said 213.0 this morning. Another 1.8 pound loss. On track for 150 pounds by October 19, 2010 according to "lose it" ap on my IPhone.

But more than that, I feel more under control, I feel more successful and I'm beginning to feel worth the effort.