Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Ignorant American's Guide to the World Cup

I don't know much about soccer. I realize that it is, by a wide margin, the world's most popular sport. I'm told that players can't use their hands, which renders it a particularly sweaty equivalent of bobbing for apples. I understand that the game harkens back to my high-school days, in that it involves lots of guys running around like lunatics and mostly not scoring.

While having an ignorant American write this guide may well defeat its underlying purpose, rest assured that I've done my homework, interviewing several people with funny accents. Since labeling non-midwestern accents "funny" is one of the bona fide calling cards of American ignorance, I knew I was on the right path from the get-go. Let's dive right into it.