The Maltese... - NOT AVAILABLE

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Brief Synopsis

A porn star thinks he''s become a werewolf.

Sam Smith is the fast-buck producer of amateurish nudie films starring his partner Ernest Grey, a neurotic who suffers from dizzy spells and uncontrollable urges to howl like a dog. When they are forced out of their New York office for not paying rent, they move into Ernest's house on Long Island, an eerie structure located next to a cemetery where a mutilated corpse was found and a woman was attacked by a howling man. Also living at the house are Molly, Ernest's talkative housekeeper, Robin, a pretty co-ed, and Axel, an out-of-work Swedish violinist. After a doctor has voiced the opinion that Ernest's howling may be an indication that he is turning into the first all-American werewolf, Ernest is visited by his next door neighbors--the sinister Ravenswood, his voluptuous sister Carlotta, and their 200-pound housekeeper-bodyguard, Helga. Although Ernest is horrified when his neighbors say they are vampires who want him to join their pack, Sam immediately sees the commercial possibilities of using the foursome for a vaudeville act. Eventually, Ernest learns that he is not really a werewolf, but that everyone except Sam is trying to drive him away so that they can search for a giant diamond hidden in his house. Later, Sam, Ernest, and Robin, who claims she's the rightful heir to the diamond, discover that the gem is hidden in the corpse of the house's former owner. As preparations are being made to remove the diamond by surgery, all the competing villains clash with such force that Ernest's house is destroyed and a bewildering series of multiple murders eliminates everyone except Sam and Ernest. But both men are unsatisfied with the conclusion of their story, and they take turns in offering their own preferred endings. Then, hand in hand, Sam and Ernest walk off into the sunset.