A very old friend with a very long backstory is adopting a baby kitten. He asked me for advice. I suspect mainly because he knew asking me for cat advice would garner an impassioned and prompt response.

I had fun writing the two-page guide and think that maybe it's even also fun to read. I thought I might as well share my amusement, and advice, with hubski. The language might be colorful...but I promise, the tips? Salient.

Good to be back witchya. Maybe opening up my Etsy shop sometime soon, who knows. Catch up in the next pubski I hope. In the meanwhile, all the best -

ref

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CATS

A too long guide for [XXX]

ACTUALLY, KITTENS

1. Pick a good name (Already done!)

2. Keep him confined to 1 room for the first 3-7 days you have him. preferably your bedroom so you guys can snuggle and shit. some cats are more nervous and need 7 days. boy cats are usually more adventurous so he may be trying to explore further after 3 days. if he seems like he wants to go out of the room let him, that’s good

3. Yo feed him dry food. doesn’t matter what food but pick one kind/brand and stick with it, cats can be stupid about food and refuse to eat if you change it and actually hurt themselves, so just pick one and stick with it. dry food bc wet food stinks and is way more expensive and makes their shit smell

4. at least 1 litterbox, maybe even 2, and scoop that shit every other day. if he decides it’s not clean enough he will shit and piss outside the box. once a cat pees on your floor they can smell it forever and that makes them 100x more likely to pee there again.

5. don’t fuck around with vet bills like get him his basic shots and FIXED ASAP. boys who aren’t fixed often end up peeing/spraying inside to mark their territory and that is terrible shit you do not want. yes it’s expensive but after the first like 6-18 months they basically don’t need the vet any more unless you let them outside

6. get him some toys son.

a.laser pointer

b. one of those plastic circles that has a little ball inside of it so he can bat it around and around

c. something with feathers

d. catnip won’t work til he’s like 6 months old so just hold off for a bit but once he’s old enough it’s fun to get cats high while you get high (100% recommend that shit)

7. SERIOUSLY DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH THE LITTERBOX

2, STUFF CATS LIKE

1. 100% of cats don’t like 100% of the following, but like ALL cats like 5 or more of the following stuff/things:

1. Look contrary to popular opinion cats like people and hanging out. they get lonely. so hang out with ya boy Earl

2. if you ever run out of dry food cuz you’re a lazy fuck just keep some cans of tuna on hand and feed him that or give him some as a treat yo cuz he’s a good fuckin cat

3. take lots of pictures of him especially as a kitten cuz he gonna get big and ugly fast

4. if you let him outside he will get into fights and shit and that will give you big vet bills so just think long and hard about it before you let him out if you decide that’s what you want to do about it. once you let a cat go inside you can never get them to forget it so, don’t let him outside unless you’re sure you wanna do that.

5. lots of cats prefer to drink running water cuz their eyes are weird and they can’t see water when it’s standing still. AKA ya boy earl might like a water fountain if you really like him and ya feelin fancy

6. give him toys and catnips and try to make him purr at least once a day. any day you can make a cat purr is a good day

7. when he is a kitten and he tries to climb his way up your pants leg you will think it is really cute and want to let him do it. this will stop being cute as soon as he gains 5 more pounds and starts ripping up your clothing. so don’t encourage him on that one

8. Some cats are more scared than others but I really firmly believe if you treat your baby kitten like he’s an awesome fearless monster and let him explore and hang out with him and pet him all the time, he will grow up to be an awesome fearless monster who also thinks you’re the best person ever to hang out with. so like encourage his fearlessness.

9. Cat nicknames are the best nicknames. Call him all sorts of random things. Especially call him names of animals that aren’t cats. (Bunny, dog, monkey, bear, snake, etc.) Whatever ok that might just be a personal one but i think it’s fun.

10. Oh he looks like a long hair. think about getting a cat brush from amazon and brushing him every so often because they do shed like mother fuckers and it’ll get all up in your clothes and apartment. do you have a vacuum?

LOL i would be so surprised if you said yes

If your kid is allergic to cats or anything, you should get a vacuum so you can clean up the cat danger when the kid comes over and sleeps there and stuff. Maybe even just like a dirt devil or something small. If the kid isn’t allergic less of a problem but still, you’re gonna want a lint roller at least to help get cat hair off your couch and clothes and stuff

Look contrary to popular opinion cats like people and hanging out. they get lonely. so hang out with ya boy Earl

YES. I own a couch, but I sit on the floor in front of it with my computer on my lap. I think this helped me bond with my cats. They can just walk up to me. My cats LOVE hanging out with me. Max will sit on the couch behind me, and every morning he sits by the door to get scratchies before I leave for work. Tess sleeps next to my pillow every night, and in the evenings she's always within reach, often on my lap. They are very social with me.

One thing you didn't mention: watch your cords. Max is a good boy, but Tess will chew cords. Especially the white Apple ones, but anything is fair game.