"Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine."--Fran Lebowitz

Monday, February 3, 2014

The Golden Age of Tedious Wine Writing

I was thinking about how unbearably dull most wine writing is these days, and speculating that we may be part of the Golden Age of Tedious Wine Writing, though that may be simple vanity on my part, when I decided to thumb through some old wine books I own. I have a large collection of old wine books. I have an ancient old Egyptian manuscript called, "Wine for Mummies." It wraps up wine pretty neatly. A wonderful old cookbook from Papua New Guinea titled, "Who Goes With Red Wine." Some killer recipes. Anyway, it turns out that tedious writing about wine spans the centuries. To illustrate the point, I've published some excerpts from famous writers through the ages over at Tim Atkin MW. I think you'll be surprised at who turns up. As always, feel free to leave a comment over at Tim's Place, or leave your mindless and probably fake Amazon.com review here, with the obligatory five stars.

15 comments:

I gave up on Chaucer in college and never got around to reading his other works like The Glorius Age, etc. And who knew that Darwin had debunked natural and authentic wines 150 years before the winemaking spoofulators discovered them.

Charlie,Amid all the endless chatter that there are only a handful of topics that wine blogs talk about, it occurred to me that it's probably always been true that there are a limited amount of ideas when it comes to wine. So, extrapolating that, I imagined that even hundreds of years ago wine writing badmouthed sommeliers, discussed wine critics and ratings, and talked about Natural Wines (who better for Natural wines than Darwin?)

I wish these blogs had a LIKE button as Facebook does so I could simply pass along my awe and appreciation for your ability to give us a smile, cut thru the crap, and so unencumbered, allow us to more fully appreciate the simplicity of our favorite beverage.

Hey John,Oh well, don't worry about. That stuff doesn't mean as much as simply passing the blog along, or leaving a nice comment. Links on Wineberserkers get me a lot of readers, too. I don't do any of that stuff, but I do appreciate those who take the time to help spread the HoseMaster foolishness.

My Gorgeous Samantha,Oh, man, I am so in over my head with parodying Swift. But, hell, he's been dead for several hundred years, so he won't send me a nasty email.

Fabio,No, those books aren't on Amazon because I own the only copies. I said they were rare books. I may soon be selling them through an Acker Merrill auction--they are likely to make millions!! They're real, honest. The Chaucer book is even autographed.

I know not where to begin myne common-tater-tums! "Decant of Man" "Tale of Tubbo!" (Snicker, snicker...) "Wine for Cretins" (One note blast laugh) or the Chaucer. (Good thing I missed him in any lit classes! [Alas, I was forced to read the King James Bible instead. That *was* a worthless exercise.)

Marcia Love,I had to get something out of my English Literature degree. At Occidental College, as a Lit major you were required to take a course in Shakespeare, and either Milton or Chaucer. Milton? Oh, man, no way. I can't think of a single person named Milton I want to have anything to do with. Ironically, Chaucer now reads like Twitter.

As for Tim Atkin's site, much like any other blog, one gets far more reaction when insulting the wine establishment rather than practicing literary parody. Making fun of dead guys is always yawn inducing, but insulting bloggers or Parker, now our blood is boiling. Stupid.

In taking an Acting Shakespeare course in college the prof (who was an English Lit. major too) made us diagram Will's sentences from monologues. The narrator's verse monologues in Henry V were a favorite of his to use as examples.

I lamented that my 7th grade English teacher had told our class many years prior that chapter 2 of Warriner's English Grammar and Composition (which I use to this day) was a waste of time. And so he was going to skip this very long chapter...about diagramming sentences. I had a foreboding feeling about his decision that it would come back to bite me in the butt.

The first half of that acting class was spent diagramming on a big chalkboard in front of the stage. I felt very sorry for one girl in class who managed to graduate from high school having never learned the parts of a sentence. Identifying subject and verb was very difficult for her let alone diagramming the remaining parts of a sentence (let alone the Bard's sentences in weird structure). It could leave one in tears.

Marcia Love,Oh, I can see you as Portia. What a great car! You've got the trunk for it. (OK, that's a stupid joke.)

Who diagrams sentences any more? My mother taught high school English in an era when that was part of the curriculum, so I'm well-versed in that particular art form. Also, parsing poetry, yet another lost art. I've had decisions come back to bite me in the butt, however, I find that enjoyable depending on whose teeth.

Parsing poetry. Yes, same prof also had us "scanning" the verse for trochees, iambs, etc. Got graded on it too. So glad I'm not doing that anymore. Had actors' nightmares about the class for years after...

I can't imagine you could pass up the Porsche and trunk joke. If there's a rimshot in it, you gotta take it!

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After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.

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