If You’re Not Geoffrey Mutai, You Lost the New York Marathon, Loser

November 6, 2011

Today, the New York Marathon course record was shattered by Geoffrey Mutai. The 30-year-old Kenyan ran it in 2:05:06, beating the previous record by 2 minutes and 37 seconds. Mutai also won the Boston marathon earlier in the year and set the course record for that race as well. If you are reading this, Geoffrey, congratulations! If you aren’t Geoffrey Mutai, get back to work, you miserable sack of failure.

Perhaps you got too complacent because all your friends and family fawned over your training and dedication. They were probably waiting for you at the finish line with a thermal blanket and Gatorade, holding encouraging signs aloft for you to see. The endurance! Not your endurance, your friends and family’s endurance for waiting God knows how long after the real winner, Geoffrey Mutai, triumphantly broke through the ribbon for your slow ass to meander on by.

“I can’t believe I did it!” you exclaimed, well aware that you didn’t do it–you didn’t win the race you entered.

And those of you who didn’t even run in the marathon: You lost too, jerks. You’re all tied for last place, so put that as your Facebook status. Geoffrey Mutai was out there burning asphalt while you sat at home arguing with your buddies about where to get brunch. Three mimosas and one Eggs Benedict later, you lost the New York Marathon, loser.

Even you, Emmanuel Mutai, your second-place time may have set the record last year, but it ain’t last year, buddy. Nice last name, though. Oh, you still lost. That goes for every single one of the 7 billion people in the world who aren’t Geoffrey Mutai. What a bunch of losers.

Except me. I rolled my ankle while picking up Papa John’s last night. I am disqualified.