My fitness and weight loss journey on this road that they call life

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Finally some good news… I hit my 10,000 step goal 3 days in a row this weekend. I even surpassed it on Saturday getting in a whopping 13,266 steps! WOOHOO

Now to get real. Talking to a girlfriend yesterday I told her that I felt like 10,000 steps is really unrealistic for me. It will take me hours after work to get these steps in…hours that I honestly do not have at the moment. So she suggested maybe a smaller goal to start off with instead of such a big one that I don’t feel great about. So that is exactly what I am going to do. I will start a little smaller and once I am hitting that goal on a regular basis THEN I will up the goal again until I reach the final goal of 10,000 steps. Does that make sense?

Trying to hit that 10,000 step goal has stressed me out every day and made me feel like a failure. And feeling like a failure is not something I do well.

On a normal day I reach an average of 4,000-5,000 (at the MOST) steps. I am changing my goal to 6,000 steps every day this week. I think that this is a little more realistic for me and hopefully will help me to accomplish something and start getting back into the grind. I need to be doing things that make me food GOOD about myself and not think negatively. I definitely think this will push me in the right direction. Plus..the turtle won the race didn’t he? Lol

I did get back on the Meal Prepping wagon this week and killed it with my lunches and snacks. I also got all the meal prepping done for my daughter’s lunches too, as she heads back to school on her first day of Grade 4 this morning. My meal prep included lower carb and higher protein lunches and breakfasts but I will do another post on that soon!

I also joined a new challenge group! If you have read my blog before, then you know how much I love a good challenge group :D. This challenge group is a bit different than the others though. It’s different because while it is a fitness based challenge group, it is aactually a group that is only for diabetics. Specifically Type 1 Diabetics like ME!

This is amazing because there are NO other groups like this. It is focused on helping you figure out how your body and blood sugars react to certain workouts and how to deal with them so that you can complete a really GOOD workout without worrying as much about blood sugar crashes or spikes. They post workouts 3 days a week and have really great healthy recipes that I will definitely be trying. They have diabetes related challenges every day as well.

I am feeling really excited about this, as well as conquering my meal prep this week, so I would say that I am on the road to success! Even if that road has a few bumps or turns that I have to navigate.

P.S.

We got to have a little fun this long weekend as well. Spent some time riding all the crazy rides at our hometown fair ❤ She loves her carnival rides…me? not so much lol

FYI: This post has very personal things in it…so if you don’t want to know about my sex life…stop reading here lol

Up until now, I was a badass bitch and I knew it. I had the attitude that said I love myself and if you don’t like the way I look then I don’t GAF! But then…I got naked in front of a man and my confidence was nowhere to be found.

I have always thought of myself as a pretty confident woman. I was never confident growing up but the older I got, the more my confidence grew. Yes there are parts of my body that I would like to change but in general I am pretty OK with it. In my situation, with the fact that it is so hard for me to lose weight, I kind of have to be ok with where ever I am in my journey. But apparently when I am NAKED in front of someone else it changes my self-image completely!

For me, I have not been with a man in 5 years. It started as getting over a breakup, then I was too busy with my kid, then I just got scared because by that time it had been a few years and now here we are. I felt ready. I don’t have a boyfriend or anything but I NEEDED to sleep with someone lol how desperate does that sound but 5 YEARS?! Come on! It was overdue haha. So I decided to sleep with a man that I trusted. A good friend if you will.

This really has nothing to do with the person I was with. He is nothing but a sweetheart and would never say anything bad about my body. It has to do with the way I viewed MYSELF.

The sex was great. But there was this little voice in the back of my head saying awful things to me…about me! “Not good enough” “Fat” “Huge” “disgusting”. The self-doubt and total self-consciousness filled my head. I felt those awful things afterwards. Not because of having sex, but because I felt like my body wasn’t good enough. Like my looks and my weight were all that mattered in the equation and they felt not good enough to me.

I am fine now. That self-conscious feeling went away and I am back to my Fabulous self again, but what the hell? Why does that happen? How does that little voice in the back of our heads sneak in there when we least expect it to? When we are feeling great about ourselves, 100% confident and fabulous. I want to tell that sneaky little voice to shut the F*CK up.

What I have learned from this experience; I will have sex AGAIN because let’s be honest, I am never waiting 5 years to have sex ever again lol. The other thing is…I need to love myself MORE. I found out the hard way that I didn’t appreciate my body as much as I thought that I did. That is going to change.

As I have written before, I AM ENOUGH. I am MORE than enough. I am amazing and wonderful and beautiful and sexy and the list goes on. I know that about myself. I just need to reconfirm my own self-image. To remind myself that I am an amazing woman with, or without, clothes on. 🙂

Whats up peeps? Its been a while. Let me give you a little catch-me-up before I get down to business.

January has been CRAY CRAY! Getting my daughter back to school after Christmas holiday has been horrific (Read all about our ADHD Life here ). The plus side: the screaming and out-right refusal has stopped but the crying about not feeling well and not want to go to daycare or school continues. My grandma was in and out of hospital, which meant sleep overs on her couch while she was recovering. Work, work, and more work. We have started horseback riding at a new farm (my daughter not me lol) once a week. I am going to Zumba twice a week now instead of just once. I also started taking an online class from the local college to possibly get a NEW career. It’s one class but it takes up about 7-8 hours a week of my nightly routine. So to say that I have been busy, and STRESSED is an understatement.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to find time to, or even want to, work out. I can’t seem to get the motivation to do any exercise at home and I’m getting to the point that I don’t even want to go to ZUMBA! Say it isn’t so! My muscles don’t hurt anymore after my class, just my joints…constantly! Which I am sure has something to do with my arthritis and the weather this time of year. I have even quit going to the gym (for now). I don’t know if it’s just me being totally worn out or if it’s the season or a bit of both but I am hoping that I can my shit together really soon.

I have been sticking to the diet given to me by my dietician but I have GAINED 4 pounds in the last month. Maybe 4 pounds doesn’t sound like that much but when I think about how long it took me to lose those 4 pounds (almost a year) it is absolutely terrifying! I think this has also contributed to my non-motivational funk. I feel like I worked so hard to lose that weight and then POOF there is in, right back on.

I am frustrated and unnerved but I am TRYING not to let that get me down 100%. The one thing that I have not been slacking on is my tracking and my meal prep. I am switching up my meal plan AGAIN. Less carb, more veg and protein. More veg is the downfall. Its not that I don’t like veggies, its just that I would rather have fruit and fruit has more sugar. And picking better-for-me items to snack on when I am hungry in between meals. I need to find the balance and I need to find it NOW!

I now have a TON of veggies on hand that I can pop in the microwave or oven when I get home to go with whatever my wonderful mother has cooked us for dinner. Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini etc.

I am doing this to include MORE veggies and to make sure that I fill up more on veggies and less on carbs.

The last change that I made to this week’s meal plan was to incorporate MORE water. I drink plenty of water but had definately been slipping up on this aspect for the past month or so. So I am re-committing myself to drinking more water. My beautiful tumbler that I got for Christmas is sitting on my desk right now, filled to the brim! (Also shown in the pictures below)

This past weekend was crazy! So much to do, so little time to meal prep!

Saturday was spent with my beautiful girl ❤ We spent the afternoon Christmas shopping, went out for dinner just the two of us and spent the snowy evening at the theatre! The Little Mermaid (LIVE!) was quite amazing, and she was beyond ecstatic. Mommy + daughter days are our absolute favourite days ❤

I got an hour Sunday morning to get some of my Turkey Meat Balls made! Woo Hoo! They are amazing to make and freeze for the days that you don’t have a meal prepared, or your family is eating something awful for dinner, or even just as a high protein snack after the gym.

Sunday afternoon was spent grocery shopping for the week and enjoying my niece’s 7th birthday with the FAM. We did not get home until late (8pm for my daughter is late lol). I really was in no mood to prepare my lunches for the week, but I put her to bed and got down to work.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

This week I stuck to my usual breakfast of toast with avocado. It hasn’t gotten old yet! Plus, I got a great deal on avocados at the grocery store :).

For lunch I made something new, that I haven’t tried before. Baked Sweet Potato and Avocado Hash. I made an extra so that I could try it last night and let me tell you, it is yummy! I will post a recipe for this later on in the week.

For my snacks I have my usual apple, mixed veggies but I also picked up some rice cakes. I haven’t eaten a rice cake in YEARS so I am hoping that with a little peanut butter on top I will still like them lol

Well here it is. My Meal Prep for the week. Keep in mind that this only includes what I eat during the day. It does not include my dinner or if I have a snack after my workout of choice. Those are usually not planned (I need to start doing that) and might consist of a piece of whole grain bread with peanut butter or a Nutrigrain bar or something of that sort.

No pain no gain. That’s what ‘they’ say right? Well I am definitely feeling the pain today.

Last week I went to Zumba and nailed it, but as for getting to the gym I only made it there once. So I felt like, while I ate great and stuck to my meal plan for the week, I was really slacking in the workout department. I didn’t have the motivation to go by myself, I went to bed early most of the nights instead of heading to the gym and was just lazy. But I started this week off much better and I am feeling pumped!

I spent the better part of an hour at the gym last night. This is the very first time I have gone to the gym by myself in years. If you know me, or have read my previous blogs, then you know that this is huge for me. As I stepped out of my car I could feel the familiar tightening in my chest. The dreaded panic attack. It’s so bizarre. I can walk into the gym without feeling like this when I am walking in with a friend or my sister, but the second I try to walk in by myself it shows its ugly head. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car and put my feet in motion but once I got started I didn’t let myself stop until I was on the treadmill to warm up! Once in and working I am ok, no panic. It’s just the getting there that trips me up.

I am happy to report that I killed it at the gym last night, all by myself 😀 . I did cardio for 15 minutes, a deep stretch, upper body workout including weights (Im only comfortable lifting around 5 lbs with free weights but I’ll get up there eventually lol), and then I finished up with 10 more minutes of cardio. I felt like I really worked hard, gave it my all and didn’t slack, which I find happens when you aren’t working out with a partner. This really was a great workout and I definitely feel it in my shoulders biceps today.

Meal prep yesterday went really great as well. I will give you a summary as usual, and later this week I will be posting a recipe because honestly, my lunch today was delicious and I cannot wait to eat it again tomorrow!

Breakfast:165 calories, 22 carbs

1 toast

1/4cup of cottage cheese

4-5 mini cherry or grape tomatoes

COFFEE (this is always included in my breakfast even if I don’t write it lol)

We all know that I don’t cook dinner during the week SO hopefully I can control my calorie intake during this meal.

At the gym with my SEESTOR. Being cool taking selfies ❤

I am feeling great this week with my meal prep and workouts. I hope everyone else is doing well with their Journeys, whether it be weight loss or life in general! Let me know how you are doing and what steps you are taking towards a better you!

This past week has been amazing in terms of motivation and actual workouts. My meal planning was not as spot on as it was last week, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t prep at all. I’m waiting for SOMEONE to make cabbage soup with my weekend leftovers soo…I prepped for 2 days instead of the whole week lol

Lunch– 415 calories, 60 carbs – brown rice, glazed carrots, and my turkey and spinach meat balls OR cabbage soup (once its made and IF there are left overs)

Snacks – 90 calories, 4 carbs – mini cucumbers and humus

Monday, as always, was Zumba night. I wasnt feeling great, but I participated. It was a half-assed participation but I made it through the entire hour so I call that a success haha.

My sister and I had talked about wanting to go back to the gym. We also agreed how difficult it was to go to the gym without some kind of partner to encourage us. I need that in my life. I can almost guarantee that I will not go to the gym unless I am going with someone.

So guess what I did on Wednesday AND Thursday?! I went to the GYM :O. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time.

Wednesday was leg day and cardio. I choose the bike almost every time, mostly because of the arthritis in my feet. My legs hurt the next day and by day 2 I couldn’t walk to save my life! But honestly, I welcomed the pain. Yes I bitched about it to anyone who would listen, but I loved every second of it. It meant that I was building muscle and what does muscle do? Muscle helps burn fat 🙂

Thursday I actually pushed my sister to go back to the gym. I was definitely feeling the motivation to get moving. We decided to do arms and abs and then I went for a walk on the treadmill to try and stretch out my sore legs. I would not recommend this as I wanted to keel over the next day lol I should have just done some really good stretches through my thighs instead.

I find the gym or going for a really good walk (it would be run if I was allowed to run) really clears your head. For me this is huge. I over think everything. I re-play conversations or interactions with people over and over again in my head until I am crazily analyzing everything that happened that day or the day before. So I need the gym, the physical exertion, to clear my mind. To think only of what move to do next, what muscle group to work, to push harder…that was bliss to me this week.

I have Zumba again tonight and plan on heading back to the gym at least 2 nights this week. I can’t believe I am saying this but…I am STOKED haha

“Weight loss is like driving: If you ever veer off the the road, just make a U-turn and head back in the right direction.”

Me and the SEESTER showing off our lack of guns (or at least my lack of guns) at the gym lol

I am writing this post because today a friend of mine told me that she hated her body. She felt invisible in her life because of her size. That she didn’t love the ‘body positivity’ movement that is happening right now because she didn’t feel like she had anything to feel positive about. She is just so unhappy. I hope she doesn’t mind that I am writing a blog about this, but I feel like I need to. You are not alone in this girlfriend!

For me, I have always been the ‘Big’ girl in the group. I know what it feels like to be invisible, to not love my body or myself. I suffered from depression for most of my teens into my early to mid twenties. I had no self-confidence, low self-esteem and an awful idea of what my body ‘should’ look like.

When I heard my friend say these things, I was stunned. Honestly, I cried. My heart broke. I realized that the reason I was so upset was because I knew EXACTLY how she felt. I hate to say that I used to feel the exact same as my friend and I hate to hear another woman feeling that way. While I do not love the way my body looks all the time (most of the time) I do love myself no matter what size I am.

I am beautiful and I know it. I never used to think that. I used to think that I was ugly. But now, I KNOW that I am beautiful. When I say “I am beautiful” I’m not ONLY talking about my body, or my face, or my hair (although, on most days I do love those things about myself now). I’m talking about the spunk and positivity that I have. The love that I have, and show, for other people and for myself. True beauty is about having confidence in your self no matter what. To be comfortable with your self and accepting of your self.

I talk about beauty because I felt invisible for so long and then once I had my daughter I stopped giving a shit about if people ‘saw’ me or not. I started doing things for myself; I started dressing the way I wanted to dress and I accepted my body as is. With all of its rolls and stretch marks and ‘jiggly bits’. Accepting the fact that I was fat, and yes I knew I still had to lose weight, but accepting the fact that I was fat and couldn’t change it right this second made me a more confident woman. When I stopped giving a shit, and started taking care of myself, making time for myself (mind body and soul) I became a much happier person. And you know what happened after I did that? People saw me…and they didn’t just see the physical part of me, but they saw the PERSON, the beautiful WOMAN that I am. And I was ok with that.

I know that I am here, talking about my weight LOSS journey. And I know that it sounds hypocritical to say that I love myself or my body but I want to change it. But I also know that if I didn’t choose to live in the light every day, no matter what SIZE I am, that I would not be the person that I am today.

I still have my doubts and negative thoughts about myself and my body (you can read that in past blog posts lol) and I don’t think that will ever fully go away. Everyone has those doubts and thoughts once in a while. I just choose to live happily and love myself despite that. I hope that you (my friend, and anyone else reading this) can start to see the light in your life and not just the dark.

Last week I paid upfront for all of the Zumba classes in the session, which ensures that I will make it to ALL of the classes. Thats 11 weeks of shaking my ass and watching my jiggly bits jiggle. Thank God there are no mirrors in the room 😀 haha.

It was a great class, but on a T25 scale of Nailed It, or Barely Made It….It was the latter. I felt as though I was tripping over my feet, couldnt nail the moves, and was barely breathing by the end. I huffed and puffed through the entire class. I almost fell on my neighbour because I tripped on my pant leg. I had to stop before the very last song because my foot was so cramped up I couldnt walk on it.

By the end of the class I was drenched from head to toe but I felt amazing. Through all of the trip ups and mistakes (so many mistakes hehe) I was still so glad that I went and made it through the class. I felt energized and happy after that amazing workout and after being surrounded by other beautiful woman like myself who made the same mistakes and missteps that I did. All in all it was a great class and I cannot wait to go back next week.

This is just a snap shot of the impact that my Zumba workout had on my day via my FitBit:

And this is to show you that I (pretty much) reached my goal of 10,000 steps in 1 day which NEVER happens via my FitBit:

My truth is that I havent worked out faithfully in over a month. A workout here, a long walk there, just doesnt add up to the regular workouts that I was used to doing. Because of this, I have lost muscle tone. I havent gained any weight and my clothes are still fitting the same, but I can feel my muscles tiring more easily.

So, I decided that yesterday was my re-start date. Yesterday was really when the truth hit me…and it hit me hard. I did T25 Alpha Cardio and I almost didnt make it! I felt like giving up hald way through. My muscles were not moving like I was used to them moving. This sucked! But honestly, I am so happy that I finished that damn workout.

My plan is to work out 4 nights a week, with a stretch/yoga day thrown in there somewhere. I am going to do T25 Alpha for at least 3 weeks and then Im going to move up to the T25 Beta that I was supposed to start weeks and weeks ago. That is when I plateaud with the workouts…when I was supposed to move up to the next level (Beta). Maybe I was scared, maybe I just got lazy but Im ready now.

I am ready to be strong and fit. I am ready to be a better me than I am right now.

Like this:

I was getting into a slump, a rut, getting bored with my day to day workout. I felt like I just needed a little pick me up, something to put me into a better mood when I knew it was time to sweat. I finally realized that I have never bought workout clothes to actually work out in before.

I have yoga pants, and tanks and big t-shirts that I work out in but I also wear those on a regular basis. I do not have a sports bra of any sort, or any kind of workout gear that would make me feel good about myself. So guess what I went out and bought?

I bought a sports bra (FINALLY) as I was sick of sweating in, and stinking up my good (very expensive) bras. I also bought myself 2 sweat-wicking workout tanks that are pretty cute. Next is a pair of good workout capris and another sports bra and I am all set!

I know that this journey is not about material things. I know that. But sometimes you want to feel good about yourself while on that journey and this is just a step in the right direction. I feel like it helps me get my head into the game, it helps me prepare. It might sound silly to you but I know that when I put those workout clothes on (and I ONLY wear them to work out in) I am going to work and sweat my ass off and that it will be ok.

Its just another step on this journey of mine. And it has definitely given me a pick me up. 🙂