One mom's journey through life, love, and loss.

February 14, 2019

Happy Valentine’s Day Baby Goober! I miss you! Please give Grandma Eva, Grandma Blanche, and Grandpa Bernard big Valentines kisses for me. I miss you all so much. I’m feeling kinda funny today. Not sad, not happy. Just off. Missing you on these special days is so much harder than regular days. I think it’s also weighing on me that today marks 11 months without you. One month closer to the big scary 1 year mark. Daddy and I are getting the heck outta this city for a night tomorrow which should help give Mama’s brain a break. It will be nice to have an extra long weekend to just spend together and focus on healing some more. I feel the most “healed” when I’m just “being” with your Daddy. No pressure, no rush, just us. It really does help.

February 13, 2018. Day Six RUH Saskatoon – DISCHARGE DAY! This was a day full of mixed emotions. It started off pretty rocky with emotions running high because we were about to start you on a very scary drug. The Nurses brought in epi-pens, a crash cart, and a lot of other things that really made Mama second guess this decision. Rituximab is a drug that come with risks and side effects that can be pretty tough. One of the risks is a pretty high rate of reaction, hence the crash cart and epi-pens. Dr. Stammer’s came by and got you set up and we got it running. It went so smoothly that you didn’t even get a fever! You did so so so well. They gave you benadryl before it started and it actually let you relax enough that you pretty much slept through the entire infusion. Huge relief for Mama and Grandma!

This was the day that Mama also made the decision that I was going to request a LOA from work so that I could spend some time completely focused on you and your healing. I called my boss and almost in tears told him what I needed. I couldn’t have been more supported with this decision at all. My crew at work was so patient and helpful in this transition. I can’t say enough about how the whole team supported me and walked me through this.

The upside of this crazy day was when the nurses said, “Let’s set her up with some beads of courage!” We were all amazed about this program. We got to get you beads to make a necklace and collection of all your medical milestones. This was a huge thing for you and it really put into perspective how much you went through. You got a bunch of Black Beads for blood work pokes, Yellow Beads for every night you spent in hospital, Purple for IV Infusions, Red for blood products you received, Blue for clinic visits. You also got special beads for each time you were discharged from hospital, special ones for emergency’s, special ones for Mommy and Daddy. There are many other things you received beads for. Your favorite beads were the fish beads for traveling for care and the cupcake bead. Mommy wears the cupcake bead around her neck every day. You were over the moon excited about all your new beads and couldn’t wait to go to RMH for the night to play with them.

We were all so happy to be able to say good bye to the nurses for the week! We were to come back in a weeks time for your next infusion which would be only for one day. We headed over to RMH to spend the night and get ready to pack up and check out of the room for a while. We were finally getting to go home! You and Mama were both so happy! We spent a good hour that evening playing with your beads in our room. I remember being so relaxed. Rightfully so. I was getting to take my baby home. I was getting to hang out with Daddy and the puppy and you all under one roof. I couldn’t wait for morning to go home for a while!

That’s the story of the first time we were sent to Saskatoon. A trip that was meant to be a short trip to see what the hematologist thought and turned into 7 long days. I am thankful that we were given the doctors we were. I am thankful looking back that we got all the help that we did. It was a journey that I will not soon forget. You did so darn well with the whole thing and I am so darn proud. I love you more that you will ever know baby. So darn much, Turkey Bird!