your body is not a battleground.

i’m writing this post because i have a lot on my mind & inside my heart that i need to get out. i’m ready to open up to the world.
this is extremely frightening for me to do because not a lot of people know the struggles i’ve been through and it may make them look at me differently, but i’m hoping it will help those struggling through the same things and know that i can relate and am here for them if they need someone to turn to.

these past couple of months or so i have been having a very distorted and cloudy mind about myself and it has been affecting me and my environment in negative ways.
nobody will ever think that i have been unhappy because i still smile all the time. when i go to work, i leave any negativity at the door. i have never been the person to bring any issues into the workplace because it is important and a huge part of my job to be positive and show spectacular customer service which is what i am passionate about. making others happy.

but lately, i have just been so hard on myself.
i can’t seem to get motivated for what i should be doing.
i wake up and do the same routine.
waste the hours that i could be productive or use that time to do things i really enjoy.
but that’s not what i’m here to write about. i’m here to write about the ghost that has been haunting me. the thing i thought i had got rid of years ago. something i’ve learned on my own how to stay away from still ends up creeping up on me when i think i’ve finally let go.

my disordered eating.
i will not say that i have an eating disorder because i have never gone in to be treated.
everytime i start to get on track again, it’s like it comes back and laughs in my face saying “nope, i’m still here!”
i know it all comes back to stress. when i get stressed out to the point where i don’t know how to handle everything, i take it out on myself.
i start to look in the mirror more often. i pick at myself. i see every flaw. nobody’s words changes what i think. my thoughts are taken over by this monster.
you wouldn’t think i struggle with disordered eating by the way i look. i’m actually at a very normal average size for my height. this is because my struggles are compensation for eating too much. i get mentally exhausted and start mindlessly eating because i don’t know when i am full. or even when i’m full, i eat anyway. and then i end up eating too much. and then i end up trying to compensate for the damage i’ve done. whether that be exercising too much or purging.
i’m not saying i’m back down this path that i was a couple of years ago. a couple of years ago i did have a problem. i would binge & purge multiple times a week. to the point of where it was a serious issue. i’ve learned on my own how to get past that point. i’ve been there and i do not want to return. i will not return.

what has been happening lately is the cognitive struggles i am facing. i am starting to beat myself up again mentally. something i really need to work on is self-love.
this is why i’m opening up. i need to tell the world how important it is to really love yourself. when i love myself, i know that i can do all things. all of my tattoos have so much meaning that lead as a constant reminder every morning when i wake up.
the very first one i think about all the time is the one on my calf: “i can do all things through Him who gives me strength” – Philippians 4:13 reminds me that i am not alone and i can do anything if i just learn to lean on Him..
the 2nd one is “no turning back” on my wrist reminds me not to go back to the way i used to live. basically hurting myself by doing what i was doing to my body for so long.
the 3rd one is “never let go of hope” to remind me that i will be facing hard times, but not to ever let go of hope. even if i hit rock bottom, i can always get up. fall down 7 times, get up 8.

things i will be working on in the months to come & i encourage you to do the same:

1) Eliminate self criticism.
– this is the number one for me because i criticize myself in all ways all the time. whether it be getting a bad grade, not running fast enough, having “thunder thighs”, having no self control, etc…
– Instead i will focus on my accomplishments. For example, Wednesday I lifted with my trainer and was able to snatch 55 lbs, bench press 65 for many reps, squat 105 lbs, and rack pull 137 lbs. i’d say im getting stronger each and every day!

2) Let go of worry.
– i am constantly worrying about many things: money, school, work, other people. worrying is what definitely leads to my stress. and stress is what leads to these negative cognitive thoughts.

3) Relax.
– stop being go go go all the time and learn to sit and just breathe.
– i may start practicing yoga again to help with this. it definitely made me forget about everything in that moment.

4) Forgive myself.
– it’s hard when i get in that mindset of basically hating everything about myself. i need to learn to fully forgive what i’ve done and move on. let go of that past and never go back.