The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has published a damning report on how ‘excessively crude’ oils are corrupting the young with their reliance on ‘salacious carbon-intensive’ fuels and lewd references to ‘fracking’. UN scientists now support a swift transition to ‘less risqué’ forms of energy, such as ‘natural gas’ – which although fostering scatological humour does at least lower emissions ‘without lowering the tone.’

By intensively ‘pumping’ carbon into the atmosphere over the last 40 years, developed nations continue to sexualise the act of pollution. An IPCC spokeswoman said: ‘Admittedly wind farms sound a little bit rude but only lead to the odd fart pun. Whereas industrialised deep drilling is clearly a euphemism for being balls-deep in environmental disaster’.

IPCC’s chair, Rajendra Pachauri, has reportedly endorsed a shift to renewable energy from the suggestive tar sands, coarse shale and ‘puerile coal lumps that lend themselves to knob gags’. By harnessing solar and tidal powers, there is a hope that we can reduce the global surface temperature and a clear reddening of our cheeks through embarrassment. The IPCC spokeswoman explained: ‘The environment is like Disney’s Hannah Montana – make her dirty and she quickly becomes a syphilitic, twerk-fest covered in all manner of dirty oils.’