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COUNCIL WATCH

Thank heavens it’s a very special episode week here at the Watch; if it were not, the only speck of entertainment value to be gleaned from this week’s governmental gab-up would be the momentary fire alarm that seemed to suggest that Sam Ings shut up somewhere near the middle of his monotonous diary reading.

There would be no flames, but there would at least hopefully be some folks to whom the term “flaming” could be ascribed. It’s Gay Days, dammit!

“Is it?” District 3 commissioner Robert (“Bobby”) Stuart cozied up to us prior to the meeting. “I thought I saw something about that when I was driving by the Parliament House.”

“Why were you driving by the Parliament House?” we wondered.

“To see if you were there!”

Ha! Anyway, with commissioner Lynum absent, the fantasy same-sex pair-up exercise we planned didn’t quite materialize. But if it had, an Ortiz-Stuart lip lock would have won handily.

Item: The city approves the purchase of medium voltage switch gear spare parts from Siemens Power Transmission and Distribution.

Translation: It’s the oldest ripped-sleeve, grease-monkey gay porn trick in the book. Riff, who spends sweaty afternoons repairing and shining secondhand motorcycles and wastewater mechanisms in his bedroom-adjacent tool shed, removes his red bandana to wring out an hour’s worth of perspiration and then, realizing it’s doing him no good, he peels off his sweat-stained, form-fitting T-shirt. “There’s something missing,” he reads from a not-too-distant cue card. “Something with medium voltage.” Riff grumbles for a few minutes, possibly grazing his crotch with the grease on his left pinky, and picks up the phone. “I need some semen,” he misreads the card reading “Siemens.” “Send someone over, pronto!” Sixty-five thousand dollars later, the floor is smeared with sheets and fluids, engines are running wild and wastewater management will never be a problem again. The holes, as it were, have been plugged.

Item: The city approves an award to American Body Armor for annual purchase agreement of concealable body armor, in accordance with the terms, conditions and pricing schedule of the State of Florida contract.

Translation: Because simply loving men in uniform isn’t enough, the city begs the tawdry question: “What about what’s going on underneath that uniform, chief?” The inordinately sexy American Body Armor Xtreme HP – in both levels II and IIIA, for her pleasure – is not just a radical comeback of the big gay vest movement of 1993, it’s the must-have accessory for members of the police force interested in staying alive today. Currently, the city estimates it will need to purchase 225 of the bulletproof garments per year. That will run about $134,725 this year, an amount that they might otherwise spend on thousands of black leather thongs ordered directly from the International Male Undergear catalog. Sigh.

Item: The city approves an award to DDG Taser Inc. for the purchase of electronic control devices.

Translation: Nothing enhances autoerotic asphyxiation like a quick jolt from this little trinket straight out of the Kevin Beary toolbox. Tasers are the new poppers and have become the must-have party favors at any dungeon soiree involving nipple clamps. Until now, our uniformed men have been saddled with the inferior M26 Advanced Taser, which apparently couldn’t quite seal the submission deal. The shiny new X26 promises a smaller and lighter casing, along with the ability to record up to 600 previous zaps and probably their phone numbers, too. At a scant $83,479 for the 101 new models required, feeling cheap and incapacitated has never seemed so reasonable. Hold me. Down.

Item: The city approves an award of annual agreement to P&L Lawn Maintenance for pest, weed and fungus control at sports fields in various city parks.

Translation: Another perfect porn scenario. Over at the baseball park, a recent outbreak of fungus has turned the average bush-rattling cruise into a dance with venereal disease. P&L – Prescott and Lamar? – are now on a mission to tame these dubious denizens with hoses and ointments. Their plans predictably backfire, as the world of third bases and water fountain bend-overs proves too enticing for our valiant heroes, and the solution becomes part of the problem. For five years, people have gay sex and there are baseball bats. But it all works out … in the end! P&L walks away with $83,074 and never mentions this again.