Tag: Mormon

Salt Lake City, Utah- Major concert announcement! The Mormon Tabernacle Choir With special guest Kerry King Of Slayer at the Salt Lake Tabernacle!
August 30th, 2017. Get your tickets now at Smith Tixx or purchase at the door.
Tickets are $37.50 in advance. $40.00 the day of the show. Don’t miss this once and a lifetime event!

Salt Lake City, Utah- New legislation just passed making it illegal to deny that popcorn pops on apricot trees. Next spring when the apricot trees are in full bloom. You would be able to call the beautiful flowers “Blossoms” anymore. Well, at least in Utah. You will have to refered the white blossoms as “Popcorn.” Denying it’s popcorn could land you 30 days in jail and result in you paying a huge fine. It will be considered a Class A Misdemeanor to deviate from the teachings of the LDS primary song “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree.”

A bit of history on the origin of this song. “Popcorn Popping On The Apricot Tree” is an old LDS primary song written by Georgia W. Bello in 1924 and was added to the Mormon Children’s Songbook.

Credit: LDS Smile

Mr. Herbert takes these words seriously. So serious that he made denying it against the law.

“Popcorn does pop on the apricot trees, I’ve seen it with my own eyes and it’s ridiculous to say otherwise! This is the most important thing I’ve signed into law. This will be my legacy!” Said, Governor Herbert.

Washington DC- Donald Trump announced on Friday that NASA has discovered intelligent life on the Moon.

Donald Trump has not been a traditional US president. Many have wondered if UFO disclosure was on the table.

Five species of aliens were discovered. The greys were the dominate species on the planet.

“A video of a grey alien interview will be released later on this week. I have personally talked to the aliens at Area 51. It’s a beautiful building. Other countries have these kind of facilities. But ours is the best.” Said President Trump.

The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints held a conference today on the topic. ”

“We will immediately be dispatching missionaries to the moon. We have already space craft that are ready to go. Elder Ezra Znog, a LDS alien convert will be overseeing communications and translate the book of Mormon into the grey language. He will also be teaching other elders grey and how to communicate using mental telepathy.” Said, Church President Thomas S. Monson.

Future plans for a Mormon Moon Temple are already in the works. If the Church cannot successfully launch a temple into space, they will construct giant kelms to melt down meteor rocks to construct the space temple.

Mars- The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints just announced that they will be building an LDS temple on Mars. On Monday morning, the church plans on launching a super rover named “FAITH.” The super Droid was built at BYU’s robotics department.

Credit: Fisher-Price

“We named this robot ‘Faith’ because Faith will move mountains.” Said Zackaryzz Ezra Bangeter, a BYU professor.

As Elon Musk, Billionaire/PayPal founder advances to colonize Mars with his Space-X program, the Mormons want to be ready.

Image Credit: www.williebacker.com

The Church with dispatch Mormon Missionaries as soon as the space pioneers have settled the red planet.

West Bountiful Police got a report of a billegerent baby urinating in the sand box at a West Bountiful Park. When they arrived on the scene. They found Brexton Tolman, a Bountiful baby, knocking back a bottle of fermented breast milk.

When the officers approached Brexton. He hunched over and spit up Gerber peas and carrots. When the officers asked him how much he drank. He replied, “Na-Na-Boo-Baby-Ga-Ga!” After refusing to take the breathalyzer test. Brexton jumped into his baby car and started pedaling. The two West Bountiful cops were too out of shape to keep up. So they chased the baby through multiple cities in their cruisers until he finally stopped to take a nap.

The chase ended in SLC, where Brexton was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail Time-Out block.

Kenzilynn Tolman, Brextons mom said “I had no idea that Brexton and his friends were stashing their old baby bottles and letting them ferment.”

“Playground Hooch is dangerous business and will not be tolerated.” Said SGT. Harry Manwood of the West Bountiful PD.

Governor Gary Herbert says “Baby’s and toddlers don’t get a free pass. The Lisa Steed Act or Lisa’s Law applies to them too. If you blow a .05, you’re going to jail. Baby, or not!”

(February 2017 — Salt Lake City, UT) If you’re looking for the sweetest spot to be on this day for lovers, you couldn’t find a better place than Mormon country. A University of Kansas study, released last week, rated Mormon men as the most potent in the country.

As part of a survey of several different ethnic groups, U Kansas researchers asked American men about their ancestry, progeny, and sexual habits. The researchers followed up the written survey with a physical inspection and detailed investigation into the sex lives of over seven hundred volunteers taken from four different ethnic groups.

Men who reported descent from at least two Mormon grandparents led the rankings in sexual activity, number of children fathered, and physical prowess, outranking Italian-Americans, Polish-Americans, and Southern Baptists.

Mormon leaders, when asked to comment on the study results, credited their success to healthy living and “following the counsel of the living prophets and honoring their priesthood.” They also noted their own longevity. Average age in the all-male Quorum of Twelve Apostles, the leading body of the Church, is 69, and nearly all the members are still active and strong.

That Mormon men are well-endowed comes as no surprise to Mormon leaders or members. In an interview last year, Mormon Church President Thomas S. Monson said that for the Mormon church size really does matter, and deviations from this are just “a blip here and a blip there.”

The university researchers, however, credit the study results to history and natural selection. “The practice of polygamy among the early Utah settlers for three and more generations,” said Dr. Ryan Bontoff, “led to heightened selection pressures on males. It’s a case of sexual dimorphism like with the peacock’s tail,” he explained. “Those males with bigger displays and more aggressive courting patterns ended up with more females, more mating opportunities, and more offspring, thus passing on their traits to the next generation.”

So are Mormon male leaders like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young, who had several dozen wives each, like the showy peacocks strutting their stuff? “The analogy that comes closer to my mind,” said Dr. Bontoff, “is probably something more like the bull elephant seal or the silverback gorilla.”

“Both [the elephant seal and the silverback gorilla] are very territorial and jealously guard their harems,” Dr. Bontoff added. “Though of course you can’t extrapolate from animal behavior to humans.”

The U Kansas study is a breakthrough in demonstrating such a rapid rate for human evolution. “Though fifty years [of polygamy] is a very small time span on the ecological time scale, it was already enough to show some effects,” Dr. Bontoff concluded.

If Dr. Bontoff and his colleagues are right, it is perhaps fortunate that Mormon polygamy ended when it did. Continuation of the practice for a few more generations might have led to a male membership of prodigious proportions.

“Breeding experiments among human beings is, obviously, prohibited by moral considerations,” notes Dr. Heidi Lindorff, co-author of the study. “So we don’t get many chances to study effects like this. But there is no mistaking it: the Mormon man is the proto-Uber-Mensch,” or super-man.

It is not known whether the mates of these super-men appreciate their good fortune. They do produce more children than average, and that fact now has a biological explanation in addition to a possible cultural one. “The Mormon men in the study were just more fecund,” said Dr. Lindorff. “When it came to impregnating females, they had a noticeably higher ‘hit’ rate.”

Researchers from the University of California -San Francisco Mobile Sperm Collection Unit noted similar results during a visit to Mormon-owned Brigham Young University last fall. “The samples we received were clearly among the best we had ever got,” said Dr. Howard Beinman, head of the Reproduction Research Laboratory, which is the home base of the Mobile Sperm Unit. “They’ve just got better juice.”

So do Mormon men make better lovers? “We would have to do a survey of their mates to find that out,” said Dr. Bontoff. “Of course, with a question like this you can’t rely on the opinions of the men themselves, and we wouldn’t want to come to any conclusions prematurely.”

Another upcoming study would focus on Mormon women from a different angle. “If we can already see selection pressure on Mormon men towards a ‘peacock’ response, we wonder if we might see a reciprocal pressure on Mormon women,” said Dr. Lindorff. “The peahen, as you know, is really a drab little bird. And that might explain some things.”

Of note in the U Kansas study is also what it did _not_ show. Neither the Catholic Polish-Americans, renowned for having large families, nor the Italian-Americans, famed as the lady-killing Don Juans of the world, showed such sexual prowess. Also interesting to note is that Southern Baptists showed no such harem tendencies which might offer Bill Clinton a biological scapegoat for his reputed sexual adventures.

The Utah Board of Tourism has just learned of the study, and is eager to make use of the results to tout Utah’s unique attractions. “Especially with the Olympics coming up” in 2002, said Don Wiley of the Tourism Board. “We think we could come up with a new slogan. ‘Land of Adventure’ and ‘Greatest Snow on Earth’ have had their day. We think we can come up with something new and exciting.”

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has declared war against masturbation, which they conclude is seriously harming the lives of young people. And they have decided to go after supplies that potential masturbators might need.

Bob Whitbread, LDS spokesperson, said the church is going to urge Utah Gov. Gary Herbert to impose limits on the sale of Vaseline and Kleenex.

“If a young man is buying large supplies of these items, it’s evident he has fallen prey to masturbation,” Whitbread said.

“The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal,” according to the church’s website.

Mormon-dominated Utah is known as one of the most conservative states in the union. Herbert recently signed a resolution labelling pornography a “public health crisis.” However, Utah is known to have the highest consumption of pornography in the country, according to a study by Harvard professor Benjamin Edelman.