SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I have only shared my story with a couple of friends that I knew would be supportive of whatever I chose to do. Our families are unaware and that makes this time of year hella hard. I avoid interaction so that I don't have to fake smiling and act like I care about whatever conversation is being had. I just didn't want either of us to be judged if we were going to make it work. I didn't want him to always be 'the jerk' (and he would have been by my family)...and I didn't want to be pitied or considered weak for staying...or trying to make it work. Who did you tell? Do you wish you had told more...or fewer?

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2013

Hope2B♀ 40474Member # 40474

Posted: 5:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I told my sister and my attorney/friend. Once told, things cannot be taken back. If my BFF were still alive, I would have told her. My other BFF moved away 2 years ago, but I decided not to tell her.

We had friends over for dinner yesterday, and afterwards, WH said it was difficult pretending to be normal, and instead being fake with friends, and that it was going to be weird, having to pretend during our upcoming family Christmas. Yeah, ya think? He can thank his penis for that.

Disclosing to our friends and family would have made gatherings very awkward if we're still together. It's best for me to not have them know.

I figure if we D, then I can disclose the reasons and all the details to everyone.

I actually told everyone but our families. After enduring a month of TT, I outed him and his OW and her polyamorous husband on my social media (about 100 people).

I was tired of keeping his and the OW's secret (she was my friend and an integral part of my social group). I didn't think it was fair that I had to bear the burden of that knowledge, that I was the one not participating in activities for fear of encountering her, that WH got to have an affair AND keep his reputation as an upstanding guy, while I sat at home and cried, that OW and her husband might get to control the narrative for our friends, and so forth.

So I told the entire sordid story from beginning to end, as dispassionately as I could. I didn't give TMI about too much of the sexual stuff, but I also didn't leave anything out.

It's funny, because this is the one action everyone on SI tells you not to do. But it was one of the only really good decisions I made in the aftermath of the affair, maybe even the best decision I made.

I can't tell you how freeing it was to not have to "pretend" or carry someone else's shame and bad behavior around for them. It was just a great relief to be able to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, no matter what the consequences were for any of us.

I'm sure there were people who thought it was too much drama on my part, because they can't stand to hear anything bad about the world (Pollyanna types). I say, fuck them. It's not my job in life anymore to keep nasty shameful secrets just because they might disrupt someone's pleasant life facade. I have done that for 10 years, and the only thing that ever happened is that I internalized the ugliness and it ate me up on the inside. The only people who ever benefited from my secret-keeping were the fainting-couch Pollyanna types and the ones who were relying on the keeping of secrets to continue being selfish assholes.

I also know that there were people who were so disgusted by my WH's behavior that they basically don't consider him a friend anymore, and I know he lost reputation with many others. This is the price of doing business with regard to an affair.

I have no idea what people think about OW or her husband after my revelations. I haven't tried to find out, and I basically don't care. If they want to be friends with that whore and her polyamourous enabler, I can't stop them. It's their soul. But at least now they're not choosing to be her friend under false pretenses.

Also, a number of my friends came out of the woodwork to let me privately know that they had had a similar situation. I got a lot of social support because I outed him - social support I would not have had if I hadn't, because they wouldn't have known what was going on with me.

Anyway, I think it depends on your situation, and how you interact with your friends and family. But for me, it was the right thing to do, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was the first time that I actually felt empowered and good and free of his crap after finding out about the affair.

I told a trusted friend, my brother and I called a family friend of my parents who is a "family lawyer" and actually got some good advice before I confronted. My friend and brother said maybe I was mistaken, there could be explanations, etc.

After that, I told a couple more trusted friends and my parents. I asked my SAWH to tell his mother. I was lucky in some respects because my dd coincided with school breaks so I was able to stay under cover and not have to interact with the "general public." I had to reveal to a friend with whom I was working on a big project…I was not pulling my weight, not acting myself. I felt I needed to come clean. She actually was a great help to me…she convinced me to get on antidepressants. I also needed some advice from people who had BTDT so I asked a few of those types of friends. I am SO glad I did…I got very good advice.

It is true that you must be very wise about with whom you share this. But at the same time, you must recognize that you have to have someone to talk with about it. My friends have been a real source of strength for me. I've learned a lot, they have said all of the right things but also the things that I needed to hear.

You folks are the only friends & family I told. Thank you for being here.

Dealing with the superficial consolation from somebody that has never been there would suck and if we reconcile, we still have to be with those people who know. Awkward.

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio

nekorb♀ 40306Member # 40306

Posted: 7:57 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I told my 2 BFFs, my MIL (love her to pieces, she has been a HUGE support for me), his aunt and uncle (spiritual support and guidance for me...they do marriage retreats as part of their profession), his cousin (prayer intecessor). I also told my aunt and uncle as aunt called one night when I just was unable to hold it together and I disclosed in a "moment". Also, obviously, my counselor(s), pastor, and you guys.

DH told his brother and his BFF. And of course, the OW!

I have not told my parents as my hope is that we will get to a point that we are trying to R...I don't think my dad will ever forgive him...like ever...so I don't want to tell him unless it's necessary.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 2047 | Registered: Aug 2013

jjsr♀ 34353Member # 34353

Posted: 8:05 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I told one of my sisters, a couple of old friends and what I thought was my closet friend ever. She was very supportive of us trying to R and then started pulling away and now she has not spoken to me in 2 years without an explanation.
I think her and her husband didn't want to be friends with someone who had marriage issues, that they are better then that. It hurt me very badly, I felt like they kicked me hard when I was down. Now I know she showed me that her friendship was conditional, which in my opinion doesn't make you any kind of friend. I should also add that we did tell our adult children as they knew we were having big issues and we didn't want to lie to them

[This message edited by jjsr at 11:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.

Gajit♀ 40665Member # 40665

Posted: 8:19 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I TOLD EVERYONE AND DO NOT REGRET IT ONE BIT!!!!

Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA

Nest2007♀ 39532Member # 39532

Posted: 8:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I went almost 5 months not telling anyone other than my best friend, our IC/MC, and our GP. It was the most isolating time of my life.

In the last six or seven weeks, I've told ten close friends who have reason to need to be aware of ow and what she's done before, during and most importantly after the A. Only three of these people have zero contact with her and live out of town. Telling friends and getting that support after so long enduring this in silence has been the most freeing, wonderful thing in this entire ordeal.

In some regards I am glad I didn't tell people early on. I have better perspective and understanding six months out from DDay, and the harassment by ow is much more obvious these days, which helps in the telling of our story.

I strongly advocate telling at least a few key people. Suffering this alone with no support can destroy you and your marriage even more than the A. One of the people who worked out what I was dealing with has been living in the aftermath of her husband's A for ten years, and she's never properly dealt with it. She is in a much worse place than I am, only six months out. And she has kept it locked up, speaking to only two people in those ten years.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...

Fireflies♀ 40210Member # 40210

Posted: 8:27 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

Immediately after Dday I told my two best girlfriends. WH told his parents. More recently, I told my mom, sister, and another close girlfriend. I don't regret telling any of them. It's not my job to keep his secrets. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have acted like one.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh

ladycody♀ 41401Member # 41401

Posted: 8:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

"If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have acted like one."

Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could he if things go right.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 131 | Registered: Nov 2013

ladycody♀ 41401Member # 41401

Posted: 8:46 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

"If he didn''t want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn''t have acted like one."

Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could be If things go right.

I told pretty much everyone. I didn't care at the time. Honestly, I still don't. I wasn't responsible for the affair, so if someone asked why we separated, I told them. I wasn't humiliated or anything, what did I have to hide? Besides, everyone saw him with her all the time anyway (they worked together and we know a LOT of the same people that always saw them), so everyone pretty much figured it out.

I have told no one about my wife's OEA. She mentioned to her sister that she had been emailing another man and that caused us to recommit to our marriage as I was jealous. She was careful not to imply there was anything sexual (this was fine with me, I didn't and still do not want family involved in our marriage right now). My wife is doing everything right to make amends for what she did so I think it would be damaging to our reconciliation if any family or friends knew what happened.

I still plan on telling the betrayed other woman but I still do not have the contact information I need.

I had to tell everyone under the sun as exW was threatening to go to the police for non existent DV etc.
I told her brother in law, and her sister. She basically had spread lies that I was violent and abusive. She even told that I hit her with my bare hands when nothing of that sort had happened.
Later I understood that this was one of her plans. She was going to be exposed some or the other day and she would use this DV thing to shut me off.
She did it pretty successfully, I must admit.
Her parents and siblings did not believe me when I exposed the A.
They thought I was trying to get rid of her by false accusations of an A.

To this very day her mother and brother do not believe my story.

It was not the A part which led me to the decision for the D, rather it was the diabolical planning and cunningness, enough, not to trust this person anymore.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013

SoVeryTired5♀ 40931Member # 40931

Posted: 9:13 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

I told my sister, my best friend, our doctors, and our counselor. That's it. My sister lives on the other side of the country, and my best friend lives an hour away from me. Is it tough not having a huge support system? Yes, it is.

I talk to my mother multiple time each day, and she lives two blocks away. She also adores my husband, and I don't want to jeopardize my reconciliation with my husband with her feeling hatred towards him.

I feel alone in my pain a lot of the time, but I'm working on leaning on my WH as we struggle through this.

My best friend, my sister, our minister and his wife. That's it, I guess. We have told people (including my dad) that we are in counseling and hit a rough spot, but not elaborated.

Some days out of sheer bitterness I want to tell all the mutual friends of me and the AP about it, but our MC actually advised on keeping the circle as small as possible. While I don't have support for the infidelity per se, I do have plenty of friends, and have reached out and made some new ones. Part of our rationale for keeping it low key is that there are kids involved on both sides, and I don't want to tell ours until he is older. So, I feel like the fewer people who know, the better. I don't think it is a matter of shame, and H has actually encouraged me to tell whoever I need. But honestly, I can only handle so much "help," anyway. We have a great MC, and H and I have really leaned on each other.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA

Athene♀ 41550Member # 41550

Posted: 9:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday), 2013

My two best friends know nearly all the main details. I made him tell his parents. I told my parents, brother and sister. Our prior counsellors know. A handful of other mutual friends now know. I don't regret telling anyone. It was helpful for me to have the support system I need. Especially needed to tell our families - they blamed me for our marriage failing since all they saw was how unhappy I was for months leading to and for months afterward. My WH who hides his emotions looked like some stable, steady saint to everyone - until they learned the truth.
Also, it was helpful for WH to see thru the eyes of "normal" people that what he did and his thought processes were so screwed up. It may have seemed fine to him when he was only hanging out with his APs or prostitutes or other people who were obviously morally lacking. But in the eyes of people with normal values and who are respectable people, he began to see how disgusting and deviant his behaviour was.

I told my 3 BBF, my family, and his. ALL gave me the tremendous support i needed as I was falling to pieces in the months after DDay. I did not tell anyone at work.. I tend to be private with my life around coworkers anyway.
We may be on the road to reconciling and if the people I confided in want to pass judgement on me...so be it. It is my life and I have to do what's right for me. But so far, my BFF and one family member I have told about the possible reconciliation have been supportive.