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I'll join in the ref love. If he can keep his head on straight, make the plan, and keep his eye on the prize, he may really go very far.

Now my rant. Less a rant, really, and me just thinking out loud.

I defriended someone on Facebook again today. No big deal - I never met her, she never met me, she has 4000 friends (seriously) so she won't miss me. She sent me a friend request for some reason a few years ago, and I accepted. I rarely say no, figuring if the person turns out to be annoying, I'll drop them. Which is I guess what happened here.

She's a very attractive woman. I say that from an objective point of view. She works at a drive-thru coffee shop where the servers are all women and all scantily clad. I think she does some modeling as well, although I never found out if she was selling anything but herself in those photos. It looked like the photo shoots were freebies done by photographers (because hey, hot female model) rather than for any specific purpose. Her "candid shots" were of her wearing another hot outfit, or her fake-kissing another scantily clad colleague. Her few text-based posts were usually simple jokes, of the "good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere lol" type.

Mind you, none of this is wrong, or makes her a bad person. In fact, I enjoyed keeping her as a friend for awhile, because she afforded me a glimpse into the world of being (for lack of a better term) "simply attractive". I liked watching her pile up the likes whenever she posted anything at all. She could butt-post "fghjhgf" and get twenty likes in ten minutes. She even seemed to appreciate my occasional dry humorous responses to her posts or photos, partially because I never made her the butt (ahem) of the joke, and partially because it was attention and therefore good, and perhaps partially because she even made the old gay guy say something, and that's gotta be worth something, right?

But I finally defriended her today. No big thing set me off. She posted a picture with a friend (or co-worker) with "I love this sexy bitch" as the caption, and the likes came rolling in. But finally, it just seemed...sad. I mean, I'm not that much different from her. Nobody on Facebook is. Hell, even on JUB, my posts can usually be broken down into one of a very few categories - "look how smart I am", "aren't I funny"?", "look at the gargoyle pretending to be helpful" and "who wants to get down and dirty?" (In case you're wondering, roughly 10,000 of each.) But it was less the "look at me" of her posts, and more the fact that that's all there was. I'd like to think that even at my whoriest, I offer something above and beyond "look at me" (clothed or otherwise). I'd like to think I'm entertaining or thought-provoking or titillating or helpful on some level. But this woman's posts had nothing more to offer me anymore. The thrill was gone from watching the "likes" build up. And as a gay man, all I could do was casually observe that she posted yet another photo of herself looking attractive. And they all started looking like "say you like me". And I found that depressing. So I defriended her.

A gay cousin sent me a Friendship request. Since I hadn't seen him in over 30 years, and wanted to connect with him, I accepted. I began commenting on his posts, and asking him questions--questions to which he never responded, much less acknowledged.

Question: if someone doesn't want to correspond with you, why would he send you a friend request? <scratches head>

I ended up defriending him.

Yup. A lot of people treat it like a digital yearbook or rolodex or something. I remove those people as well.

Ugh, probably going to drop my winter class. Feels lazy, but w/e. I still haven't fully recovered from this stupid bug. Waking up feeling like a lobster was dancing on my throat was the last sign I needed.

man, don't even know why colleges even do that to begin with? that's worse than doing classes in the summertime. you literally have to put your life on hold in order to do that.

and i have to vent about my gut. i don't know what i ate BUT i have been going through a fucking shitstorm today. i had dinner like 8 o clock last night and didn't eat anything until noon today. i had collard greens, 5 biscuits, ackee and saltfish and plantains for dinner. that's a huge gap. i woke up with a headache and i was doing okay. i had some cheerios, 2 eggs and 2 tuna fish/saldines/peanut butter sammiches today. i took a plain old shit at 3 o clock. i ate like the 2 eggs i mentioned and the 2 tuna fish sandwiches inbetwee n that gap. somehow, i dunno what happened with my stomach but something upset it where i had a severe case of mudbutt. i've ran to the bathroom like 3 times already spilling my guts out. i want to jerk off but i'm afraid that my stomach at any minute is going to bother me again where i have to run to the toilet again. i HOPE i'm not allergic to cheerios but if i was, it doesn't surprise me. it also wouldn't surprise me if i had my mom's wheat allergy. she's allergic to a bunch of food. it would get me really heated if i was both lactose intolerant and allergic to wheat. there's NOTHING fun about drinking some regular milk, having horrible stomach pains for the whole day and being in the bathroom for about an hour or so on the toilet shitting so hard.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I've done one of those classes before and it's not so bad. I just can't deal with it right now. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking given how much I hate winter and how poorly I function this time of year. I'm actually probably going to take it in the summer instead, actually, but that's fine by me because I do great with those.

Being sick was the wake-up call I needed to drop that damn class. Too bad it's a living hell right now.

I've done one of those classes before and it's not so bad. I just can't deal with it right now. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking given how much I hate winter and how poorly I function this time of year. I'm actually probably going to take it in the summer instead, actually, but that's fine by me because I do great with those.

Being sick was the wake-up call I needed to drop that damn class. Too bad it's a living hell right now.

what class are you doing anyway? is it one of those tough classes or do you have one of those teachers that make the subject extra difficult than what it really is? breh, i feel your pain. when is your add and drop period?

but anyways, my brother is pissing me off. him and his fucking attitude. dude is ready to say some fucking slick remarks to me in the kitchen. he's really been pushing my buttons as of late and i fucking hate that fucking look he gives me. i love my brother BUT he's going to make me smack the SHIT out of him if he keeps it up and i'm going to really fucking smack him too across the face where i'll knock off his fucking glasses. he needs to watch who the fuck he's talking to. for real, just thinking about the words he said to me really makes me want to run down to the kitchen and smack the fuck out of him in front of my mother. he needs to show me some respect instead of acting like a fucking bitch.

and i don't know what it is. i went to the gym and i was getting very increasing annoyed at the guys in there. it must have been my paranoia or my inferior complex that really did it BUT i was just waiting and thinking about what i would do if any of the guys in the gym stepped up to me or annoyed me. i would just snap and grab the dumbbell, barbell and fucking beat their ass with it repeatedly til there's some brain damage or whatever. somebody would get hurt really bad. i know that i give people the wrong look, the mad face where they think i'm crazy or that i'm mad with the world. not going to lie, sometimes i am really angry and it appears on my face BUT damnit, i just get really heated sometimes where i'm going to snap while i'm in the gym where i want to FUCK somebody up. i also hate it when i see some of these guys trying to act all intimidating like they're going to whip somebody's ass or like they're king kong or whatever. it's annoying. i take that as if they're challenging somebody or whatever and i just feel like stepping to them or fighting them or whatever with my skinny, scrawny, midget self. i've been really angry today where i'm ready to go off on anybody.

i think it's because i didn't get any sleep last night or because i had a really bad nightmare which involved me coming up to some woman that i never seen before in my life where i went back to my old high school although the building wasn't the same exact one. there was some bodybuilding show and some art gallery thing going or whatever. i went up to this teacher, she was dressed in black with tears coming through her eyes. i was asking her to give me some recommendation for something and there were other women in there. i went to the basement where i saw some old woman and another woman and they just started acting all scared of me for some reason. they threw trash bags full of garbage at me and tried to hurt me. i didn't do SHIT to those women BUT yet they were treating me like i was a criminal or a rapist. i was like so mad like WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THAT FOR? THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO YOU? i should have choked that old woman for hitting me like that though. not only did she hit me but she embarrassed the hell out of me too calling the cops on me and i didn't even do SQUAT to her. i was leaving the damn building. i'm not going to call her the b-word though even though that's what i really want to say about her though. but keep in mind, it was all a dream BUT i have to say that sometimes, i have some dreams that scare me, make me cry, make me really happy BUT this was one of those that REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off because it was something that i HAD absolutely nothing to do with.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

i'm really irritated right now. angry and very upset. man, on this other site that i go to, i feel like giving this annoying dickhead poster a buck 50 with one of my father's boxcutters lying around here. i would love to do nothing but shove that cunt on the ground, put my knee over that guy's neck and slice away off on his face on some prison shit. i want to make that dude feel just as bad as how i feel. i want to give that loser a facelift.

i don't know why i woke up irritated, depressed and angry. i think i need to masturbate all day to calm my nerves down. i would study and do whatever the fuck i HAVE to do BUT damnit, i don't feel like it right now. the bottom of my foot is really bothering me right now. i tried to sleep last night but i had trouble sleeping too. kept tossing and turning. had some creepy dream involving some woman on death row that killed like 5 children in connecticut. they were about to give her an execution date and they wanted her to pick her method of execution. she had the choice between electrocution or lethal injection. they were giving a run down of both of the execution protocols between the methods. there's more to that dream but my foot is bothering me so i'm not going to sit here any longer. i need to walk around.

and man, i kind of feel better saying that about that dumbfuck on the other site. i REALLY want to make that bitch feel like how i feel right now. he'll never talk shit about me again and neither will all those other godawful cunts on that site that just need to die already.

why is IT that i feel emotionally unstable right now? i slept last night. tried not to listen to any music and i still feel like shit except not as tired as i usually am. for that matter, i still feel like going over to that mental practitioner that i went over to last year that told me that "i'm faking my feelings and acting depressed on purpose for attention" and punching him in the mouth so he knows how "fake" my feelings are. FUCK THAT CUNT TOO!

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

with that said, i'm going to go over some of the posts that i have, as well as my other blog, and other things that i've said in the past documenting my feelings and thoughts, copy and paste them and print them out so i can give to the psychiatrist that i will meet up with soon so they see this shit. i will be incredibly annoyed if he or she tells me some bullshit. then i'll really go off on somebody.

thanks to frank frank for the idea. he told me to do that awhile back so that the shrink has some idea of where my head is at.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Yes!!! May be good, too, to show a variety of dates, i.e. not just print out stuff from a six-day period back in September or something. A variety of dates would show that there are persistent issues.

I'm one of those who feel that you can eventually become quite successful with something, accomplishing things you truly aspire to, but taking certain other steps first is necessary to scale the multiple walls first.

BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

Earlier this week, I went out to the gay bar with some friends. Enjoyed drinks, talking shit with the bartender, listening to music, etc. I ended up playing a few rounds of pool with this guy, flirting my ass off. As the night goes on I'm getting drunker (and obviously more charming) .

We're kicking ass at pool and we're getting along great. There is friendly touching, which at this point in my drunkenness, calls for me to sport a semi--and I decide to ask him about his relationship situation. Oh, he's straight.

And my mind can't seem to grasp this fact, so for about five minutes I'm constantly asking him, "Wait, you're straight?", "Are you sure you're straight?", etc. Felt like a fool. Finished the last game, I'm heading out and he says he'll see me around and we should play pool again.

Most frustrated I've felt in a while--which is why I usually never go beyond a buzz when I'm out at the bar--I need the clarity to keep the conversation coherent and pick up on signals that may, or may not, be there.

You know I have to say this is something that always amazes me. I know times are changing and it's 2013, but IS there a big straight male crowd at gay bars?

There isn't much of a straight male crowd at the bars I go to, which isn't to say they don't show up every once in a while, either with women or as a larger group of people. But the thing about this guy was that he was there alone and I was all but ready to take him home by the time I realized he was straight. Which may say more about my state of mind at the time, rather than him. But it was a bit frustrating nonetheless.

Tbh it's kinda hard to put the blame on you in the story you told. Anyone at a gay bar who was playing pool with a tipsy guy flirting with him and didn't realize he was sorta leading people on would be kinda dense.

The one I go to is interesting, though. It's in a kind of blue-collar suburbia setting, so it attracts a lot of random straight people who see it as a sufficient regular watering hole. But then you go there on bear night and it's teeming with burly, sexually-charged gay men.

What's the reasoning they hang out there? I've heard (not seen) the rumor that some straight people feel gay clubs are better-- better atmosphere, better music etc. But I have to imagine straight guys intentionally hanging out at gay clubs solo enjoy the attention as well.

Netflix is trolling me hard. I don't buy many movies at all but I have been buying some. Every one of them I have got in recent months appears on Netflix within the next 2 weeks. Did it was Drive, did it with American Horror Story season 1 and now I got V/H/S for Christmas and it is on there.

Netflix trolls me hard constantly. It did the same thing to me right after I bought the season sets of Walking Dead.

I did have a good time at the bar. That is the positive way of looking at it. Then again, I don't go out to the gay bar to make straight friends usually.

Sometimes nice surprises can happen in the most unexpected places. There's nothing wrong having a platonic and straight-type friendship with a cool guy. I have these (including some with - gasp! - women) and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Pick up that ball and run with it.

Originally Posted by RazorzEdge88

I suspect that theory is generally true, but at this particular bar, I don't think it has anything to do with it. I think it's because it's one of the very few (maybe the only?) bars in this town, the drinks are strong, the food is great, and the atmosphere is pretty good.

From now on, whenever I make the RARE trip to Toronto, I definitely intend to stop off at Woody's on Church Street. That place is NOTHING LESS than, perhaps, the most famous gay bar in that entire NATION. And I'll probably be there for only about half an hour.
Why? They have some of the best soup that I have ever had anywhere!

BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

I play Words With Friends on and off. Mainly with my boyfriend and maybe one other person, but someone used "ID" on me today when I remember trying it long ago and it didn't work (and it shouldn't). Stop changing god damn rules. -_-

There was a time when "ID" was another name for Brain, or Thought... I believe.

I remember a science fiction movie when I was a kid called, "Monsters from the Id".

You know I have to say this is something that always amazes me. I know times are changing and it's 2013, but IS there a big straight male crowd at gay bars?

I run into them. I was talking with one guy when his girlfriend came up, and jokingly I asked her, "You know if he comes to a gay bar, he's subject to being groped, right?"

I had to fish my jaw out of my drink when she said, "Sure. He's fair game."

"Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

Just a blank entry instead of buying into that energy. It was what it was but it isn't and won't be. That sums it up anyway. Oh...now to delete your number from my phone...oh wait your name never was in there...LOL

My vague new year resolution was to "get back on track" on a few things - to wit, exercise and household chores. Six days in, I've already skipped exercising twice (once because I was sick with a cold, once because it was my birthday) and I still haven't caught up on the chores thing. I'm at least making progress on both.

It's the nature of the internet, I suppose. I no longer post on the forums or even send comments and PMs with the expectation of getting a response. If somebody says something that I think is funny, clever, or wise, I'll drop them a comment, but I do that because I want them to know that somebody appreciates what they have to say, not because I want recognition.

I get a little disappointed if I'm having an in-depth discussion with a close friend and without explanation they don't respond, but if it's just light flirtation or casual chat, I don't allow myself to get invested in waiting for a response. I simply click reply and get on with my day.

If I took it to heart every time somebody around here didn't respond to one of my comments or PMs, I would've necked myself a long time ago.

I play Words With Friends on and off. Mainly with my boyfriend and maybe one other person, but someone used "ID" on me today when I remember trying it long ago and it didn't work (and it shouldn't). Stop changing god damn rules. -_-

ego, superego, id...I don't understand WHY it didn't work when you tried it? It should.

BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

Also possible that person doesn't even know that the comments exist, though I REALLY LIKE the Notifications tab which came in a recent JUB upgrade! Also, not all comments require a response (and the best way to reply specifically to a Comment is still rather cumbersome). I am not all that good at responding to comments, but that doesn't mean that I don't care, not at all. "Jasun frankfrank loves you all."

Originally Posted by RazorzEdge88

UPS is a frickin' nightmare. They royally screwed up delivery of one of my textbook rentals, so I swore them off (and the rental company for using UPS).

Gawdzz, I despise UPS. I will *NOT* give them my physical home address. NOT EVER. As soon as they start using THAT, they might deliver a package that may be found only MONTHS later, or they may leave something in the rain and it gets ruined, etc. I don't want to think about a package that comes two days after I've started a 38-day trip. I always have UPS send to a place in town that I do some business with, but they have to be careful and remember to use the "c/o" in the address or I may never see it.

AND, TO PICK UP MY PACKAGE, I AM STRICTLY LIMITED TO THE HOURS THAT THE PLACE IS OPEN - which is never after 5 in the afternoon, and not on weekends.

P. O. Box is so, so, so much better - there has not, to my knowledge, ever been even ONE HOUR of even one day, even once, in the past 27 years, that I WOULD NOT have had access to my Box if I decided to go there (such as 4:30 on Christmas morning or something). Of course, if something is too large or I have to sign for something, that's another issue, but the Box is much safer. (If something is merely too large - BUT NOT HUGE - they'll put a key to a nearby locker into my Box, and I can retrieve the item from the locker. Brilliant idea, but it's not all that common at Post Offices in cities as small as where I am.)

Originally Posted by GiancarloC

I actually like the Post Office more... because if I miss a box the post office is nearby for pick up. They are cutting service though because of budget shortfalls.Amazon may essentially render this all moot... as they initiate their Amazon Locker service.

What's that Amazon thing?

G...C, you ARE aware WHY the Post Office is cutting service, right? It's an issue which is being talked about by Bernie Sanders and ALMOST NOBODY ELSE. The Republicans, in 2006, REQUIRED giving the Post Office only TEN YEARS to pre-fundseventy-five years of retirement pensions, so the Post Office has to pre-fund retirements for some people who haven't even been BORN yet. The Republicans want the Post Office DEAD, because they're represented by a union. Goddam on them.

If the Post Office goes out of business, so do I. Absolutely and undoubtedly.

Originally Posted by Anders123

I no longer post on the forums or even send comments and PMs with the expectation of getting a response. If somebody says something that I think is funny, clever, or wise, I'll drop them a comment, but I do that because I want them to know that somebody appreciates what they have to say, not because I want recognition.

I get a little disappointed if I'm having an in-depth discussion with a close friend and without explanation they don't respond, but if it's just light flirtation or casual chat, I don't allow myself to get invested in waiting for a response. I simply click reply and get on with my day.

Pretty much an exact clone of my approach. I don't often leave Comments, but I have no expectations of a reply. If I expect a reply, I'll send a PM.

Last edited by frankfrank; January 6th, 2013 at 07:45 PM.

BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

The intention of my post was not to grumble about the times I've been dismissed or ignored, but to explain my philosophy regarding online interaction. There is a near infinite list of reasons why a person might not respond to a comment or a message, and I was simply emphasising the importance of not taking it personally.

It's somewhat similar to a technique I often utilise to negate anger whilst driving. It's entirely possible that the impatient driver weaving in and out of traffic to get ahead of me is a reckless, inconsiderate twat, but it's also possible that he/she is in an emergency situation and has something incredibly important to attend to. When applied to JUB; it's entirely possible that a person not responding to a PM from me is doing so because they think I'm irritating or uninteresting, but it's also possible that they had a long day, that they feel tired, that they're not in the mood to discuss a certain topic, etc. etc.

Instead of crumbling into a neurotic mess wondering what it is about my personality that doesn't appeal to them (as I made the mistake of doing when I first started posting actively on JUB), I simply choose to let go of expectations and self-doubt. If people are in the mood to interact with me, then that's fantastic, but if not, that's okay too.

I have many friends here on JUB and elsewhere; there's always somebody somewhere who's happy to have a chat.

even though this thread is based on venting, i do NOT feel like saying anything or expressing my true feelings because i have nothing to gain. a part of that was because i actually feel discouraged from something that was said on here awhile back.

but you know what. personally, if that person would have said the same thing to me right now like he did then right to my face, i would beat and stomp the shit out of him. like i don't ask for a fucking audience or whatever because what can someone do besides be a bystander, you certainly aren't living my life so don't think that i'm putting on a fucking show for you. but since you feel obligated to be a part of the show, i might as well kick your ass so you don't feel left out with how i'm feeling.

with that out the way, i'm just basically keeping to myself, not speaking to anybody for the moment because i don't feel in the mood and i don't want anybody to feel how i'm feeling. it's not good. i don't wish it on anybody BUT if you want to join in where you want to go like "shut the fuck up about your pity party" or worst off, look down on me for expressing myself, then i do have the right to fuck you up.

man, motherfuckers is just lucky that i just don't get tired and start taking out the anger and etc out on other people where i just start robbing and beating the shit out of people. when i went to the shrink's office for that group session, i felt like it was fucking pointless to be in there, in a group, talking about how i feel damn well knowing that i'll still be the same fucking way when i leave. i always feel that i have people telling me how to live MY life and do what they want me to do. from how i walk to what should keep me happy. it's as if i'm a fucking puppet where someone wants to shove their hand up my ass and tell me that this is what i should do. no sense of freedom, no fucking nothing.

you know, what i want out of this is a sense of living in peace where i'm happy with myself where i can live with myself. i can simply be confident to do whatever i want, whenever i please and not have anybody get in the way of that feeling. i would like to walk in the woods feeling happy, to go to fucking jazz clubs, feeling a sense of liberation in my mind and etc. it's me that's in the way of me achieving this and that's why i went out to reach help and etc to begin with.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

but back to what i just said, i feel in a sense that the person that was acting like "wanker" was basically insulting all the people such as myself outthere who geniunely have a problem where they're basically trying to have the courage to work on it and basically making fun of that struggle. i realized this when i went over to how many damn shrinks, therapist or whoever. i was already afraid that the things that the things that i say would be used against me where i would find myself in a straightjacket or be put in a background check where it will be held against me. it is NOT easy saying things such as that you're angry, you're sad, you're unhappy with your life, you have weird behavior patterns and etc because people will look down on you where they'll be like "this person is crazy. he's a terrible person" to anybody. with most people, they'll just judge you off of that without even trying to know you as a person. you can be the nicest guy in the world but because you have some issues going on, fuckers judge you and treat you like a fucking criminal. i feel that the "wanker" alias just made it harder for people such as myself who is scared of getting help look bad.

just like the adam lanza kid or the columbine kids or the james holmes cunt or whoever else. they basically make it hard for me to say my fucking thoughts and feelings because then people will think that i'm THEM when i'm NOT. i don't want to hurt anybody nor get myself in trouble doing bullshit. when i say my feelings and how i get mad sometimes where i feel like beating somebody up, it's simply because i don't know how to manage those feelings. i also have a problem where i can't put my mind in check where i can just block all of the negative bullshit out which help keep those feelings out or whatever. i sometimes have memories of the past or thoughts that bother my emotions that suddenly pop up and before i know it, i'm angry or i'm sad as hell.

you know, i don't really care about getting laid, finding a boyfriend, having a million dollars, having a job or whatever. i just want to have a sense of freedom with my mind where i don't feel like i'm trapped. i don't want to have some ocd related behavior, i don't want my emotions to go down south or to get really blown up because i'm in an environment where my paranoia due to my low self esteem makes me think that people are out to hurt me when they don't give a fuck about me, and etc. i also am concerned about how the world sees me BUT i also realize that that's also is what has been kicking me in the ass too because then my anxiety builds up. i end up worrying about if such and such person thinks i'm a weirdo, if i'm a loser or if they're laughing @ me behind my back. i feel that a part of that shit has to do with being around some godawful bullies and assholes when i was a kid that would just take pride in making me feel like i was shit.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Funny thing about life is things can change drastically (for the better, and sometimes for the worse), in an instant. There are a number of things that I'm not happy about these days--but I know they won't last forever. Just try to use your time to work toward change, stay positive, and most of all--have some 'fun'. Whatever brings you some sense of 'joy'.

oh shit...I'm sounding like a broken record to you, huh?

thanks, neo.

you mentioned a few things that i thought were really interesting that hit a lightbulb.

one of them is moving towards change. change in itself scares me even though i know that i have to change in order for things to get better. guess a better word for it would probably be adjustment problem. my anxiety will actually work against me in that matter where i'll get all nervous when it comes towards doing something that will move me in a positive direction.

another thing you said is about nothing last forever. you know, that's something that provides hope because a better day might be tomorrow where these issues will stop. however, i also am aware of that there are opportunities at hand that are only around for a set time and the fear of changing the way i thought patterns, actions and etc do have an effect. there's been plenty of missed opportunities because of that. probably wouldn't be in the mess that i'm in right now.

but naw, you don't sound like a broken record. in fact, you're basically helping out think about the light at the end of the tunnel because for a second, the darkness made me forget about it. being hopeless and thinking that things will never change is a horrible feeling.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

There have been updates to the game a few times since I tried it. They probably just added it in one of those updates.

Playing an electronic version, or an app or something, then?

Yes, they updated it and even added QI for those who play in English. Before I play with somebody, I ask them if they include QI in their lexicon, then I either will or won't use it (when appropriate to get rid of that icky letter). I loves-me mah Scrabble!!

About the closest to here that I ever play it, though, is in Indianapolis. I just don't happen to have nearby friends who enjoy the game all that much.

What's the strangest of all Scrabble letters? Other than the X, of course (which can form two-letter words with all five of the "full" vowels...and is absolutely AWFUL for seven-letter words), I'd have to say that the V is the strangest. It can be a bitch to get rid of...and no two-letter words exist in English for it. But, on the other hand, I think that a full half of all BINGOS I've ever played (i.e. putting down all seven tiles in a turn) have had a V in them. Strange that V would be good for words of that length (formed with the V and otherwise common letters).

BOSS: I'm sorry, but I'll have to lay you and Jack off.
SUE: Can you just jack off? I feel like shit today.

"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires" - Susan B. Anthony

If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God, did Mary have a little lamb?

This is going to be one of those rants where I'm deliberately playing coy with details. So, you know, forgive me for that.

I started putting together these events. They're meant to be fun social events, but the "draw" is the entertainment. It involves me getting ten to twelves different entertainers from different groups to come and do a small performance. These small performances end up making a program. I've done two so far, and although the crowd has been modest thus far, everybody has walked away saying how much they've loved them, and that they're definitely coming for more. (My brother has come to both, and he doesn't come to ANYTHING I do.)

This is basically a labor of love for me right now - I may make a little money at the end of the night. But considering how much effort goes into putting them together, the cash doesn't come anywhere near meeting expenses, even if I billed at the rate of a dollar an hour.

* I have to contact the performers, explain what the gig is all about, and try to get them to agree to do it.
* I have to be aware that many of them get booked with little warning, and I fully expect them to take a well-paying gig over my free one. So I constantly have cancellations, and these "open spots" then have to be filled with other performers.
* I have to get them to pick what piece they'll perform.
* I have to build these small pieces into a cohesive whole.
* I have to advertise and try to get people to come out to the gig.
* I have to sort of act as the "glue" to keep the show running along.

Again, I like doing this. It's a lot of fun, and I love watching the gigs even as I'm working them.

Now the rant. The next show is weekend-after-next. I've had trouble getting this one filled, for some reason. Lots of cancellations, lots of holes being plugged. But that's part of the deal. Here's the part of the deal I wasn't expecting - the VENUE cancelled on me. Ends up somebody wants a private party there that night, and since that brings in more coin, see ya Lex.

I totally understand that this is a business, and they probably should take a gig with more guaranteed money than mine. But that means all my work up until this point just went out the window. They offered me the following weekend instead, which I can do. But that means I now have to contact all ten performers to see if they can move to the new date. So far, I've been lucky - only one cancellation (he'll be out of town), and four confirmations, including two "name" performers who I think will be excellent. But I honestly didn't really feel like putting even more effort into this damn "hobby" of mine.

the people that you get for the venue, are they like underground artists that are trying to get their names outthere or folks with some sort of name out for themselves already? it seems like a lot of the new artists are full of themselves and they don't even have a name going for themselves yet. if they make it or have some sort of rep, they let it get to their heads where they forget that everything can change within a heartbeat especially in the world of music. here today, gone tomorrow. maybe those ungrateful folks will regret not playing in your venue down the road.

i was going to rant about something just now concerning something that i read in a thread which my paranoia has me thinking that "was this person referring to me?" but then, i thought to myself. this person could have been talking to anybody so nevermind. once again, i tend to be my own worst enemy. starting shit and getting myself into problems instead of trying to bask in peace. i always look for problems or think the worst of something without trying to be positive. negativity always brings problems.

another thing, i need to stop talking about myself like this. i sound conceited and there's people that think i'm self centered when that's NOT really the case. i would say that i analyze myself a lot as i'm my worst and harshest critic. i will also beat myself up too. someone will say i'm a nice person or something good about me and i'll be the first to say "naw, that's not me. i'm not that." the day that i believe in myself and let positivity enter my life, half of my issues will be gone. then it will be something that i have no control over raining down on my head.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

i love gay porn and all BUT there's this new porn which starts off as some guy chilling on this couch reading some magazines wearing a canary shirt. some guy comes out of nowhere with nothing but a towel on talking about "i would like to thank you for going on this business trip with me." the other guy in the shirt is talking back to him like "okay, sure cool". then the other guy in the towel talks to him about "you know, i feel it was wrong if there wasn't some action on the side. you don't have anybody. there's nobody you called to talk to where i know that you're single". he whips out his towel exposing his huge dick right in the face of the other guy. he then touches the other guy's face. then he grabs the guy's hand and puts it on his dick. then dude just starts sucking.

for some reason, that creeped the shit out of me because something like that has happened to me before. it wasn't like the situation i described but to go from just talking to somebody all friendly and then all of a sudden, they start hitting on you or trying to come onto you is like whoa. maybe because i'm inexperienced where i've never expressed that sort of love or affection to anybody before. it's just weird. i was creeped out whenever there was a guy that i was just being friendly to that would just start hitting on me out of nowhere. to be in that situation where that guy was in where some guy just talks about "i like you more than a friend" where they just whip out the towel and go like "let's fuck". i'd go like "whoa, hold your horses right there, breh." yeah, i'm gay BUT at the same time, i'm still a bit scared to get my feet wet where i'm actually kissing, holding hands and expressing myself in that way towards someone else. if someone really wanted me that bad, they're going to have to really force it out of me because i will fight back. even if i liked that guy that started hitting on me out of nowhere, i would go like "whoa, man. chill." because i'm not comfortable reciprocating back to them. they might take it as me not wanting them though even though i might want to be with them. i just haven't grown the balls to be able to handle something like that yet.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I think of foresight as being like reverse carbon dating. Gets more accurate the farther in the future it is. When you say something like "man that person's a jerk who's going to end up alone" it rarely predicts the short term. Likewise "ehh he'll settle down and get it together.."

the people that you get for the venue, are they like underground artists that are trying to get their names outthere or folks with some sort of name out for themselves already?

Both. I try to book a few "names" to get some drawing power, but I also want variety, so I've gotten people who I know would be good at this who don't have any fans at all. This next one will have both the leader of a band with a Top 20 album to his credit AND another guy who built his own instrument and has never played it live on stage before.

it seems like a lot of the new artists are full of themselves and they don't even have a name going for themselves yet. if they make it or have some sort of rep, they let it get to their heads where they forget that everything can change within a heartbeat especially in the world of music. here today, gone tomorrow. maybe those ungrateful folks will regret not playing in your venue down the road.

I've had very little problem with the artists. A few have told me they thought it wasn't something they would be very good at, and I trust their judgment on that. Others have been lax on getting back to me, so I take that as a sign of disinterest and just move on to asking other people. I supposed I could take offense to them not taking the time out to say "No thanks", but it's easier just to put an "X" on my list and ask the next one down. I actually have plenty of "new" artists who are jumping at the bit to take part. However, I do want a balance both of "names" (both known and unknown) and in variety. I'm all but swimming in guitarists, but finding a good percussionist is proving tougher than I anticipated.

Urgh! I am so angry with myself! I can't even decide on what to do. Basically I live in rented accommodation with 5 others in Soho, London. One of my housemates has this annoying habit of heavy footsteps and cupboard slamming. At first I thought I could live with it. Slowly, but surely, my tolerance went down and I decided to pluck up the courage to tell him about his habit. He said he would try to soften it. However, the footsteps and slamming returned and it has caused me my sleep. Now I am looking for a place in the same area.

I just love Soho so much! However now my life is a little messy. I really want to rent this 2-bedroom flat with someone, but... I COULDN'T GET ANYONE! And I can't even sublet it as it could be a breach of contract! I really want that flat! I feel so angry with myself! ARGH!!!

Now I feel so lost and frustrated! I wish I hadn't rush into my current accommodation at all!

"... You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you ..." - Colours of the Wind by Vanessa Williams