Hereís your opportunity to be the columnist youíve always wanted to be. This is an actual letter taken from the Ask Amy column. What would you tell Pregnant and Scared?

Dear ChiefsPlanet: I am a happily married 27-year-old woman about to have my first baby, and I am terrified because it isnít my husbandís baby.
Last Spring, another woman and I took a trip to the Bahamas. At the hotel, I had a massage and was seduced by the masseur. I tried to resist, but I guess I got carried away. I sort of cooperated once things got started.
After some premarital tests, my doctor recently told me that the babyís blood type is different from both my husbandís and mine, which means the baby is not his. When the baby is born, it will be very obvious: My husband and I are white, and the masseur is black.
I canít tell my husband; I think that he would leave me. Please advise me.
- Pregnant and Scared.

Instead of being loyal faithful wife, and in leu of using a condom to protect your whoredom you're about to be in trouble. Not only will he be irate when the kid comes out looking like Bill Cosby instead of Bill Gates, he's going to be Furious to find out that instead of that stupid Vacation Teeshirt, the spot on his clam hammer is Herpes.

You made the poo sandwich, its unfortunate that he has to eat it. Congratulations on bringing a child into the world who will not have a father, or financial support. Enjoy your 2nd job at Burger King.