SEAL Team One Stood Down

Coronado, CA (April 2nd, 2014) – Navy SEALs, most popularly known for their domination on the field of battle as well as the media industry, have recently ran into problems that left one team combat ineffective. Navy SEAL Team One, based on the beaches of Coronado, California, have received orders from the Commander of Naval Special Warfare to stand down – effective immediately – due to nearly every member of the unit being injured over the weekend. The ripple effect is far reaching, causing other special operations units to step up and fill the void left in their absence.

How were the hundreds of SEALs assigned to Team One injured so badly that they cannot work? The NSW Public Affairs office released a statement that explained, “Over the weekend, a Team social event that was held on Coronado Beach resulted in tragedy. The SEAL who was tasked with bringing the sunscreen lotion for the outing had instead mistakenly brought his skin moisturizer – which gave zero protection to the harmful California UV rays.” Due to the mishap, severe sunburns have cursed the backs of the special operations seamen. The burns are so bad that they can barely move, much less put on their kit for training or combat deployments.

BUD/S candidates in formation for application of sunscreen using buddy system

The families and publishing teams of the SEALs are demanding that someone be held responsible, but so far the blame has been passed from one person to the next. We asked the SEAL responsible for the moisturizer mix up, who has asked to remain anonymous for security reasons, if he planned on stepping up and taking responsibility. His response? “This is absolutely not my fault. Do you realize how many different types of male grooming and beautification products we are required to keep on hand? I mean, between the shampoo, conditioner, styling product, sunscreen, tanning oil, moisturizer, lavender cream, deep cleansing mud masks, night cream, body lotion, lip balm, exfoliators, cuticle creams… it’s just so much to keep track of! We have to keep one set for home and one set in our deployment bag, it’s just so easy to grab the wrong thing!”

Certainly someone should be held responsible for an incident that has serious national security implications though. How long will the SEALs be out of the fight? Estimates from the Team medical staff have said it will be a minimum of three months, which includes recovery, rest, and then time to build up a decent tan after all the skin heals from the burns. At the time of this articles publication, no interruption to the flow of books, video games, or movies is anticipated.