I can tune into the wireless transmissions coming from the cell towers around town anytime during the day or the night. There are seven of them. The sound is a variably loud, pounding, beating, throbbing pulsation. It is in the house and outside. When loud, it is scary. I have taken to wearing anti-electromagnetic clothing-a skull cap, shirts, and pants. The skull cap calms me. The clothing has stainless steel, at 29%, in it. Here in the house, we are right under a cell tower which beams out microwaves 24/7. I am losing sleep because of this. My thinking takes a wave pattern during the day, which along with the traffic noise, is tightly controlled and without variation. My thoughts are my own, but they are squeezed into the pattern without my control. This has been the case since 2002. For the first three years or so from that date, I had a great deal of trouble adjusting to this new form of thinking. It was unfamiliar to me and shook my consciousness to the core. I was already suffering from mental illness-schizophrenia. People important to me had left my life all at about the same time: my mother; my wife; my daughter; my girlfriend. I was saddled with a mediocre psychiatrist for 7 years. Suddenly left alone as I was, I had a fall and took a decade and a half to get back on my feet. I am falling again due to the illness, my isolation and my failing to maintain solid relationships. People important to me have stopped talking with me: my brother: my stepfather. I am getting older, frailer, more apt to withdraw and seclude myself. I am prone to long setbacks of emotional negativity. I have been reduced to living from day to day, in the present, “part acts one day at a time.” We will see what will come of this.

As I sit at this table facing the computer screen, I am aware of a continuum of loud noises, some of them mine and some of them coming from machines outside the house. The room seems to be awash in noise. I know there are generators going for the college buildings across the street. I can hear what sounds like a loud, cavernous throbbing mimicking my heartbeat. The sound of the computer fans is there.

I can do without almost anything but the loss of my life. I wouldn’t mind breaking the last glass in a set because I can always replace material objects. This country without a living, viable God is doomed to nihilistic beliefs and lives without ultimate meaning. Language, the one means of communication that is enduring and essential to human intercourse, is corrupt today without a living word. It dies from day to day in the media and in daily speech. Any “word” is dead after some practical usage and the passage of time. Noise has replaced the space for thinking in men’s minds today. Speech, once understandable by anyone in our environment, is now unintelligible, garbled at best, and tends toward gibberish, even in the best of situations, esp. in the media such as TV and radio. My own thinking and daily habits are completely taken over by the noise in my environment. Urban areas cause total insanity in my thinking because of the noise. Conversation is dead as a form because people speak with their own interests in mind, with disregard for the other person’s speech. People don’t have the time to listen to each other and can’t hear each other anymore. No one knows where they are in space anymore because of the cell phone. Meaning leaves language as fast as it enters it and we are left with silence in the end. Terrorism has taken over as THE war form. The terrorists today are simply nihilists who want to destroy institutions and “the enemy” with shady means for unreasonable reasons. With the destruction comes the nothingness that they live with in their daily lives. There are no great men anymore because there are simply too many people on earth. Everything is sliding downwards precipitously at the moment, because mankind has chosen to disregard his reason for self-satisfaction, greed, and comfort. The nothingness at the heart of all man’s activity on this earth is evident in the outcomes of the horrendous storms battering east and west. People are unable and unwilling to do anything about the situation. We are struggling to maintain ourselves without a good reason for the maintenance, merely living on from day to day without a viable purpose. This nihilism is everywhere, not just in the United States. Solid values, tradition and good customs have dropped away to be replaced by silly, faddish nonsense, good for no one in the long run. Because of the automobile and aviation, there is no time. The media set up fear in people’s minds so that they are alienated the one from the other. Well-respected and feared institutions like the Church are no longer in place to take care of people’s needs. Nothing has come to replace them. No one can agree on anything anymore. It is all a matter of mere opinion or simple backbiting. With the lack of a concerted purpose in people’s lives, a common humanity, the individual has come to the fore to boast about himself and adorn himself with the trappings of our modern civilization.

This country without a living, viable God is doomed to nihilistic beliefs and lives without ultimate meaning. Language, the one means of communication that is enduring and essential to human intercourse, is corrupt today without a living word. It dies from day to day in the media and in daily speech. Any “word” is dead after some practical usage and the passage of time. Noise has replaced the space for thinking in men’s minds today. Speech, once understandable by anyone in our environment, is now unintelligible, garbled at best, and tends toward gibberish, even in the best of situations, esp. in the media such as TV and radio. My own thinking and daily habits are completely taken over by the noise in my environment. Urban areas cause total insanity in my thinking because of the noise. Conversation is dead as a form because people speak with their own interests in mind, with disregard for the other person’s speech. People don’t have the time to listen to each other and can’t hear each other anymore. No one knows where they are in space anymore because of the cell phone. Meaning leaves language as fast as it enters it and we are left with silence in the end. Terrorism has taken over as THE war form. The terrorists today are simply nihilists who want to destroy institutions and “the enemy” with shady means for unreasonable reasons. With the destruction comes the nothingness that they live with in their daily lives. There are no great men anymore because there are simply too many people on earth. Everything is sliding downwards precipitously at the moment, because mankind has chosen to disregard his reason for self-satisfaction, greed, and comfort. The nothingness at the heart of all man’s activity on this earth is evident in the outcomes of the horrendous storms battering east and west. People are unable and unwilling to do anything about the situation. We are struggling to maintain ourselves without a good reason for the maintenance, merely living on from day to day without a viable purpose. This nihilism is everywhere, not just in the United States. Solid values, tradition and good customs have dropped away to be replaced by silly, faddish nonsense, good for no one in the long run. Because of the automobile and aviation, there is no time. The media set up fear in people’s minds so that they are alienated the one from the other. Well-respected and feared institutions like the Church are no longer in place to take care of people’s needs. Nothing has come to replace them. No one can agree on anything anymore. It is all a matter of mere opinion or simple backbiting. With the lack of a concerted purpose in people’s lives, a common humanity, the individual has come to the fore to boast about himself and adorn himself with the trappings of our modern civilization.

Noticing lately the basic impermanence of my situations…Lacking memory of time passing…Life without purpose…Time weighs heavily…I am without any memory of past, day-to-day situations…For most of my life, words have been unsatisfactory…I substitute meaning of my own…I never get what I want from other people…I begin to accuse them as soon as we have parted…Extremely tense during the day…Too much pleasure is painful…Speech with other people is painful…I am “shouting” at them…Constantly correcting misunderstandings that arise in conversation…Feeling I’m not being heard…No one is listening…Very tense all day…Talking to myself to keep out external noise.

Two sessions of 22 and 23 minutes each-45 minutes in all…A conflict has arisen in my mind as to an object of meditation-the breath or the bodily sensations?…I am in duality…Duality gives rise to confusion…I must decide as to the object of meditation…I am being influenced by the Monday group’s leader’s practice and by my talking with him about it on Monday…I suppose my sensations are all unpleasant…This is a surprise to me…I can now take or leave observing the breath…Jhanas can be induced by thinking on the different meditative absourptions-another specious freedom I have developed due to my nihilistc world view…Quiet of different qualities at several instances during the two sessions…Took a five minute break to urinate…It was quiet outside…Raining a little this morning…I could hear the raindrops…Aware of A/C turning on once…Hindrance of doubt w/ my indecision about choosing an object of meditation…The sixth sense went into the background once, briefly…I can deliberately sense sounds and smells by focusing on the ears or on the nose, but I don’t know how I get to the particular sense organ to sense w/ it…Absence of ill will…Someone’s image and name arose, but the person passed out of the mind immediately…Absence of sloth and torpor though I was experiencing them right before meditating…Restlessness is part of my illness…Worry is a constant as I worry about the emptiness of the day to come…Thursday is an empty day…Looking forward to going to Virginia Kerr’s farm in the evening…Aware of the emptiness of this craving…Craving causes suffering?…Craving non-being…Wishing occasionally that the sessions would come to an end…Craving breakfast…Sukkha of food and my habits w/ food.