how to be a good listener?

I often read that it's very important to be a good listener. Any tips you have for how to be one?

If someone were a bad listener, could they still have a good life?

Closing Statement from greg dahlen

well, I believe the most helpful thing I learned is that one of my biggest impediments to listening well is having worries on my mind that I'm trying to solve whilst also trying to listen to another person talk about entirely different subjects. Thus I need to find a way to deal with these worries, and when I have, I am a better listener.

Nov 18 2013:
This may be an obscure analogy, but I think being a good listener is rather like being a good seer.

When I go outside with my photographic gear, I sometimes deliberately fix only the macro lens on the camera, which forces me to look at things close-up without getting distracted by general scenes. It always ends up being very rewarding because I am forced to see intimate, interesting things that otherwise would have been missed.

I think being a good listener is a bit like fixing an appropriate auditory 'lens' to the ears. Sometimes we need to listen to detail - other times to get the bigger picture. I guess a really good listener is someone who knows exactly the right time and context to change their auditory 'lenses'.

I would think that bad listeners are easily distracted by their own thoughts and things going on around the person in front of them rather than the person himself, so it's possible that they could have a good life, if that's what genuinely pleases them. But if it does matter to them what other people think and do, then a bad listener can be made into a good one quite easily by forcing themselves to focus in on what is appropriate, decisively and deliberately - possibly by imagining a 'change of lens' :-) Listening well then becomes second nature after a period of practice, because one then realises after a while that other people really are genuinely interesting and will usually hold your attention without the need to force the issue.

Nov 18 2013:
Good point about the photography Allan....micro/macro lens being similar to listening. When I traveled a lot, I rarely took a camera, because I felt like it was a distraction from "being" fully present in the moment. It also felt like it immediately tagged me as a tourist!

Lots of times, we want to bring back photos as memories, so with that intent, the present moment is sometimes missed. I bring the memories back in my mind and heart. Most of the time when I traveled, the person I traveled with or people in the groups took photos and sent me copies anyway!!!

There are some FABULOUS "scenes" in our world, and the moments that are the most precious to me are the times spent with people. I DID take a camera to Nepal, and I have hundreds of photos of children.... I seemed to be especially drawn to children at that time. It's funny, because the person I traveled with took hundreds of photos of the mountains, which of course are also magnificent:>)

Back to the idea of micro/macro lens.....
"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes..."
(Marcel Proust)

Nov 18 2013:
I perceived them as relatively good listeners Greg. I pretty much had their undivided attention in a locked up room with court ordered programs:>) AND I was offering some ideas without judgment.

This has been mentioned on this thread, and I think/feel it is important to reinforce......

There are several levels, or layers to listening.....paying attention to the other person....being genuinely interested....actually hearing (we can listen to the words, and not hear what the person is expressing on all levels....body language, etc.) assimilating the information and applying the information when applicable......

Have you read "Proust Was a Neuroscientist" by Jonah Lehrer? - your quote reminded me of this book. It's theme is about the value of art in understanding the brain - that art habitually gets there first and that science is only now rediscovering.

Lehrer explains this hypothesis through the work of writers, painters and composers. Proust reveaed the fallability of memory, George Eliot understood the brain's malleable plasticity, Cezanne worked out the subtleties of vision, and Virginia Woolf the mysteries of consciousness...

Nov 18 2013:
I can multi-task at times Greg....depends on the situation. I have a policy however, to NOT multi-task when communicating with people. I prefer to be fully present when interacting with others:>)

Being open to ALL possibilities in a communication is not "multi-tasking" to me, because the "task" is simply to be open and receiving in all possible ways.

Nov 18 2013:
Like you, I don't like to bound my experience by letting the camera intervene or frame the scene. What is lost then, potentially, are the things I may not have noticed that I might have seen on viewing the photo later that captured what my eye missed. Often others have been taking photos, so I benefit from theirs afterwards.

I share your love of photographs of children. You might look online at the photographs of Steve McCurry, my favorite photographer.

Nov 18 2013:
colleen, what I meant by multitasking in this situation is, if I have to listen to a person talk and watch their body language, I can't do it, it feels like two tasks, or "multitasking." Therefore I make a choice that the most important thing is their words, so I just listen to their words and forgo the watching the body language. Apparently, others on this post can do both at the same time?

Nov 18 2013:
Colleen, I agree with Proust and you. I think there are unknown worlds everywhere, if we are ready for discovering them. The fascination of adventure is great, because in this case doesn't matter at all if other people discovered them before us. New and different worlds -all the scales- are here and there, and we need to get new eyes and ears for giving a look into them. And even into ourselves, if we know how to look, we can find susprises. Other people, animals, books, music, even the streets or the country, all of them offer new perspectives to them who are so lucky for seeing. [Wow, sorry for my bad english, it's difficult for me to explain correctly.. :) Sometimes it tooks me a hard task to say just what I want to]

Nov 18 2013:
Well Sean.....it appears that we are ALL in good company:>)

I agree that the fascination of adventure is great, and it is the process of discovery that is intriguing to me. If I do not listen, and pay attention in every moment, I am simply depriving my "self" of opportunity. I agree that if we know how to look, we find surprises. Even if we are simply OPEN to listening, hearing, seeing, we get surprises all the time.....everywhere......with everyone.....in every moment:>)

Nov 18 2013:
well, I guess the problem is I can only do one sense at a time, listening is one of the five senses, sight is a second, smell is a third, etc. I suppose watching their body language would fall under the sense of sight, right? Listening to their words under the sense of hearing? Smelling them under the sense of smell, tasting them, well, that would be cannibalism, physically feeling them under the sense of touch. I'm just wondering how people can listen with their ears at the same time as they watch with their eyes, to me that's using two senses and it's pretty hard for me. But it's not a huge issue, colleen, I'm doing okay just listening with my ears and not doing much with my other senses. I'm just curious how other people use more than one sense at one time. When I played basketball the main sense was probably eyesight, didn't employ the other senses too much.

Nov 18 2013:
I suppose you're right, colleen, when you walk you might take in more than one thing at once, but each thing is a bit superficial, if for example I try to pay attention to the sound of car motors, I'm not paying as much attention to the look of the trees. But when someone talks to me, I would like to make sure I catch the ideas, and for me the best is to just listen to the words and hardly notice anything else. Which is fine and works out. It's just other people say they can multi-task, and I wonder if they really can and how it works out.

I'm also quite impressed by people who can do two things at once. For example, is it true that Paul McCartney could play the bass and sing at the same time, that would really impress me.

Nov 18 2013:
Again Greg, it seems like we are talking about our individual perception of what is "multi-tasking". You apparently perceive seeing and hearing as two tasks, and I perceive them as parts of one task. In my perception, to genuinely listen, has several elements....all one task.

Nov 18 2013:
well, colleen, again, I'm doing okay, but it's nice to talk to you. Yeah, in theory I could see what you're saying, but in my life it doesn't work that way, in fact I'm very careful much of the time to only do one thing, for example, I turn off the radio to get dressed in the morning, or turn off the radio to do even the simplest task like wash dishes. I guess I find I can get dressed better, perhaps choose my colors and which clothes will give me the best comfort and warmth for the day, if my attention is undivided. Similarly, I like to listen to the radio when I can give it my full attention. Where would you stand on these actions?

Well, I could strum a guitar to the rhythm of what I was singing, but if I had to pick some notes that were a different melody than what I was singing, that would be difficult.

I usually have music in my home....background music which I may change with the mood. It is usually soft, classical instrumental, some of the tapes and CDs have nature sounds....birds, water flowing, etc., and sometimes if I am doing an energetic project, I like to listen to something more "snappy" to encourage extra energy flow. There is a speaker in the gardens too, so when I work/play in the gardens there is usually music:>)

Nov 19 2013:
well, if people have committed crimes, and yet they are good listeners, how would you account for their crimes?

Well, if you enjoy the classical music, great. If you felt like running an experiment, you could turn it off for a while (at least when you're simultaneously doing other things) and see if you could do things better. For me, I really believe I could, but of course different people are different.

Classical music is something I don't know much about. How did you get into it?

Nov 19 2013:
so basically people who commit crimes are hearing the messages that you shouldn't commit a crime, but they're making the decision to commit one? Seems a bit weird?

It would be nice if I could do several things at once and do them all just as well as if I only did one at a time. I have this funny picture of myself as an octopus, doing something different with each arm.

Yes, now that you mention it, I believe you had told me that you played it as a kid. Well, some things probably get inscribed in the memory more powerfully than others. Sometimes it's just easier for me to ask a question again than try to go back through the melange of past TED conversations and find it. But it's interesting that classical music "took" with you, of course we've all heard it, but it didn't grab me, wonder why it did you?

Nov 20 2013:
Basically Greg, I do not know for sure, and I do not speculate regarding what information people hear and apply to the life adventure. Unless a person gives me that information about him/herself, there is no way I can KNOW for sure what is going on in the heart and mind of another person. There are many people who are brought up in a life of crime, and they may not know how to function in a different way.

There are people who have been exposed to one kind of music or another and either like and accept it or not. I like most kinds of music:>)

Nov 18 2013:
well, when I'm listening well, not all that often, I think I just go "blank," there's no "me," I'm only hearing the person's words. Maybe when it's my turn to speak, I might go macro or micro.

I seem to listen better to people on TV or radio than live people like friends or family. Is this because they're better speakers, or I don't have an obligation to speak, or I don't have as many topics between them and me as with family or friends?

I would think being a bad listener means a bad life, as life is complex and you need much information to get through which you acquire by listening. Could it be that people in prison are bad listeners?

Love your closing statement, must remember others are interesting and want to be heard.

Nov 11 2013:
It's dizzy to see my comments among the former ones, so please let me move it to here.
" well, let's say he prefers to talk rather than listen, when he listens to someone else sometimes his mind drifts... "

If this kind of person lacks super talents to be insightful to make people respect them, they'll probably fail in their life becasue they can't get enough firsthand or important information from people and do more necessary thinking. People usually regard these kind of people rude and stupid, which may cause people to stay away from these bad listeners.

Nov 11 2013:
Another good point Yoka,
When we are not listening to the best of our ability, we actually deny ourselves the opportunity to get more information. That is one reason I like being fully present and engaged in the moment.....I don't like to deny myself information:>)

Nov 11 2013:
and how do you put your worries aside to just listen, colleen? Or what happens if you think of something you want to say to the other person, but you don't want to interrupt while they're talking, but you also don't want to forget what you want to say?

You know, another interesting question is, how does one think on one's feet? For instance I sometimes call in and talk on talk radio shows, but sometimes I get stymied in the conversation, the host says something and I can't think of a snappy reply. Then, after we hang up, I think, "Oh, I should have said that."

That being said, we can give ourselves the time to think, feel, ponder, etc., when we choose. For example, when I was performing, there were times that something challenging was going on in my personal life, and that evening, I was playing the role on stage of a happy go lucky person. While in the role, I put the challenging thoughts/feelings aside (sometimes I actually said to myself.....self......we will deal with that later), and proceeded to play the happy person. The opposite was true as well. At another time I dealt with the challenge.

"What happens if you think of something you want to say....don't want to interrupt....don't want to forget?"

Sometimes, if a person is going on and on, I might say....excuse me....could I just ask a question? When we are thinking of something we want to say, we are not really listening. I find that most conversations flow, when we give ourselves and the other person that opportunity. If a thought passes through my mind, and I don't have the opportunity to express it, I believe it probably didn't need to be expressed. I prefer to listen well, rather than try to formulate my next comment. I think that is a major challenge with listening/not listening.....people are often already thinking about what they are going to say next.....let it go and listen:>)

"How does one think on one's feet"?
Personally, I just let the conversation flow. Perhaps in your quest to have a "snappy reply", you are not really listening to the other person?

Nov 18 2013:
thanks for the long set of ideas, very interesting about the theater and dealing with worries.

Yes, I believe I'll try to relax and not worry if I recall the point I had wanted to make.

Colleen, one interesting thing, I decided for me it might be better to express my worries to the other person, and then, having "cleared my mind," I could listen better. It can be hard, because sometimes you think others don't want to hear your worries. But I found I only took five minutes to share one worry with one person, and it has really cleared my mind, I have been listening better for the last two or three weeks to everybody.

Clearing the mind can be beneficial, and it's also important to intuit if the information you are clearing from your mind is something the other person actually wants to hear. Some folks sometimes "vent" (clear their mind), are not aware of the effect it might have on the other person, and I do not perceive that to be beneficial. Does the other person really want to have that information? We can usually sense that by being aware of facial expressions, body language, etc.

When we are listening with all the senses, and are fully engaged in the conversation at the moment, it seems like the conversation flows. I tend to "feel" the conversation rather than "think" about it as it is flowing. Thinking about it, and analyzing it as it is happening interferes with the flow for me.

Nov 19 2013:
right, colleen, in this case the person did not initially want to hear it, but as I talked on they calmed down and were okay with it. I would say that there are times in life you have to talk about unpleasant things and you have to make a judgement as to what the rewards will be versus the detriments. In this case, by talking about this one unpleasant thing for five minutes, I was able to clear my head, and then I could listen much better to this other person for the next half hour. So I would say it was worth it, the other person got a reward in that I could listen to them better. But yes, there would be times, and people, not to expose your worries. A lot of it might be how you talk about it, if you can talk about it intelligently and crisply, the other person might tolerate it better. If I talk about my worries and the other person starts saying things back to me, I try to ask questions about what they're saying to understand better, that way it's not just me giving a monologue.

Nov 19 2013:
I wholeheartedly support talking about challenges Greg, and it is important for me to intuit what information to give to what people. I personally would not feel comfortable if a person was simply "tolerating" me, or the information I was providing.

Nov 19 2013:
well, not sure how you mean "tolerating" here, Colleen, merely not protesting, or actually listening carefully? I do think there are ways to "sweeten" talking about challenges, listening carefully to the other person's feedback, asking questions about what they're saying, etc. I would still say one has to make a rewards-consequences decision, how much pain in talking about challenges versus how much reward?

Nov 19 2013:
well, I think when you listen to someone talk about their challenges, you would have many different feelings, one might be some pain, perhaps you empathize with them and thus feel the pain of their situation yourself, or you imagine yourself being in their situation and it's painful, or other reasons for pain. And I'm thinking the person telling their worries could find some ways to make the conversation more palatable so that in spite of the pain, the conversation is at least somewhat engaging, or seems to be moving forward and helping, or other positive outcomes. But I don't know if person B is going to kick up their heels with joy that person A is telling them his problems, although sometimes that might happen.

Well, the way I approached is is to make a unilateral decision that although it might be painful to the other person to hear my challenges, it might help me listen better to the other person about other topics if I could "clear" the one worry on my mind. And it seems to me it worked out that way. But I suppose I could say to the person, "Look, I would like to have a happy conversation with you about our lives, but I do have this one worry I have to get off my chest, is that okay?"

What attitude would you like someone to have who is listening to your challenges, Colleen?

Nov 20 2013:
I agree Greg.....when we are truly listening, we may experience feelings, and I am honored when people share thoughts and feelings with me, because to me, it demonstrates trust. I feel grateful when people are genuinely listening to me, because in my perception and experience it builds trust, and it demonstrates a willingness to open the heart and mind to each other.

Nov 21 2013:
well, my situation might be a little difficult, colleen, because the person I feel most comfortable sharing my challenges with, my mom, is often not that thrilled to hear about them. I generally feel comfortable talking to my mom (I imagine many people do), and she knows me quite well, knows my history, knows the background of some of my challenges that have lasted a long time, so in that sense it's good. But she's also a person who tends to downplay a person's challenges, or even tell them they're all in their head, so it's difficult in that sense.

I remember when I was a kid, I went through a year where I was very afraid of being kidnapped. We walked close to two miles each way to school, and I was very scared on those walks, very fearful of passing cars that one would stop and the driver would try to kidnap me. I should have told someone, one of my parents, but my dad was always working, and my mom I was afraid would downplay my fears. So I just suffered. Eventually the fear passed.

Nov 21 2013:
I am sorry that your situation is difficult Greg, also sorry for your experience as a child, and glad you were able to move through that challenging fear.

That is why I think/feel genuinely listening is SO important. Genuinely hearing people, being open to them, and reaching out to them is as important as being able to trust a person we choose to share information with. The practice of listening is especially important when children are exploring the life experience. Listening, or not listening, has the potential to influence a kids entire life.

I am agree with Joseph Thomas!
A good listener is who don't let his/her mind interfere while listening. Mind is always judgmental. It is full of predetermined/preoccupied decisions you have made in your life, that is why mind continuously relate every coming information to deny or accept in between listening. When a information comes to you, it should be welcomed as a stranger and there is no need to either take the side of a stranger or going against it. Mind should be kept aside in listening.

Have you ever thought Greg, people listening are better when they are alone and they listen music or watch tv, that's why TV commercials are so successful. But why it happens? Because, now listener knows, nobody is there in front of them to whom they can nod to show the acceptance or to nonacceptance, so they becomes good receptors of coming information.

Good Listening is not a guarantee of a good life. Yaa but undoubtedly, it opens some doors in future for your life. It helps to develop a good foresight inside you. :)

Oct 22 2013:
okay, but once it's your turn to speak, Joseph, you do want to take a position on what the person just said, do you not? For instance, if they just said "I think we should go to Carl's Jr. for lunch," and is waiting for a response from you, you can't just practice zero acceptance and zero denial. Oh, maybe you only mean in certain situations practice zero acceptance and zero denial?

Oct 23 2013:
Zero acceptance and denial, that is for all situations. When we listen , we gotta llisten completely. It should be simply - absolute beautiful listening !, you should be so alive,completetly alert. Once listening is done then it's your time to speak, there you can accept or deny it.
After all words are the means used by the author to translate his experience. This translation is already so limited. So let us always judge after the listening is done.
Zero acceptance and denial is till the point where the speaker stops speaking.

Oct 23 2013:
It happens Greg After all Mind too has its own ability, Sometime it switches ON and OFF after every 1 or 2 hour, that is the reason Why movies are all ways of only 2 hour (most of the time).

Oct 22 2013:
first, when you see that something is wrong with someone you ask him if he tells that nothing is wrong you ask if he is sure .
and you ask questions to show that you re intrested in the story .
to comment and ask him to go on etc..
then you add your opinion and suggest a solution if it is a problem of course .

Oct 22 2013:
it's true, Mary. One problem I have is that while I'm trying to listen I'm also trying to formulate what I'm going to say when my turn to talk comes. Do you experience this? Have you found a solution?

We all experience this. The problem sometimes is that WHILE we are thinking what to say next, if we meditate too much on it and the other person is still speaking, we might lose precious sound bytes of information that might hamper communication.

I am sometimes amazed at your questions. Mostly because you appear to be thinking about your thinking.................normally people go through all these cognitive dilemmas without even giving it a second thought, and through trial and error they find a happy balance. You come out and ask and delve into explanations.....that is wonderful.

You might enjoy reading information about metacognitive skills.

Your question is a good one Greg. And as Robert links above......there are many types of listeners......and we must not confuse hearing with listening......they are two distinct things.

what are some of the reasons we listen, we listen to get information or knowlege, to learn something; we listen to get someone else's emotions, to feel something; listen for pleasure, such as to music, I guess to some degree that involves the first two purposes, learning and emotion.

Interesting, the comments I've gotten so far seem to have focused on how to listen better to other people. I often listen quite a bit to other sounds around me, like right now my fingers tapping the keyboard keys; other people tapping their keys, as I'm in a public library; people clearing their throats or shifting in their chairs (well, that is listening to people, but not talking.) When walking, I listen quite a bit to the passing cars.

Oct 23 2013:
The first sort of listening that came to my mind was the kind of listening a teacher does to students to pick up cues as to how they are thinking about the ideas in play, which combines with visual observations of them to form the whole observation. The teacher needs to listen carefully to their thinking to sense the opportunities to leverage those thoughts for their greatest learning.

The second was listening to outdoor sounds of, for example, wind through leaves.