This week I wandered onto the New York Times page to check out their “End of Courtship” article by Alex Williams that has quickly been broadcast across social media sites with agreeable tags like “so true!” and “ugh, so my life.” The article blames the end of the “traditional date” on a generation stuck in a “hookup culture” of college relationships that more resemble a “friends with benefits” style of interaction via quick texts, Facebook messages, emails, a tweet, or a late-night “what’s happening?” query. Women quoted in the article complained that instead of a nice dinner out, or a pre-planned date, girls should just start lowering their expectations because current dating culture is one step below a date, and one step above a high-five,” says 30 year old Shani Silver, a Philadelphia-based blog manager.

If you expect ‘dinner at a romantic new bistro, forget it. Women in their 20’s these days are lucky to get a last-minute text to tag along.’

A logical question that follows this description of the “new dating culture” then is, are the people who are “dating” in this “modern” way happy about it? It doesn’t seem so, one 24 year old woman bemoaned the “frustrating new romantic landscape” that was full of men who say that they don’t like to “take girls out.” Instead, one man says, he just likes to text a girl and have them “join in on whatever I’m doing.” Like I said, the article points to many places to lay the blame for this new relationship ambiguity: a social media cyber culture, economic recession, and the equalization of male and female jobs and wages that makes “having the man pay” for, or plan, a date, seems a little silly, unnecessary, and for some, offensive. All those reasons for the death of the “date” may have some viability, and I think they do, but after reading another article entitled “I Don’t Want My Preschooler to be a Gentleman” on the New York Times parenting page called the “Motherlode,” I think there may be a deeper, even more troubling, cause.

In her article about her four year old son Emmett’s question about what her definition for a “gentleman” was, novelist Lynn Messina was horrified when her son’s definition was that “a gentleman lets girls go first.” She bemoans that her son’s preschool teacher allows girls to use the bathroom after naptime before the boys do, and sadly decries that her son “just got his first lesson in sexism.” She openly admits that she might be overreacting, but quickly follows that admission up with this whopper:

But I don’t think it’s an overreaction to resent the fact that your son is being given an extra set of rules to follow simply because he’s a boy. His behavior, already constrained by a series of societal norms, now has additional restrictions. Worse than that, he’s actively being taught to treat girls differently, something I thought we all agreed to stop doing, like, three decades ago.

Did you get that? She’s upset because her son is learning how to treat women like ladies, or, as she would describe it, learning how to give girls “empty courtesies that instill in women a sense of entitlement for meaningless things. Many women see gallantry as one of the benefits of their sex; I see it as one of its consolations.”

Flash back to the “End of Courtship” article. The women in that article seemed to think the absence of these “empty courtesies” of gallantry rather sad. Anna Goldfarb, a 34 year old author in Moorestown, N. J. said that “I’ve seen men put more effort into finding a movie to watch on Netflix Instant than composing a coherent message to ask a woman out,” and she hates it. Despite what the troubled mom in the “Preschooler” article believes, it seems the destruction of the idea of “treating girls differently” has already gotten quite a firm root in the men of today and the ladies (surprise, surprise) aren’t liking it so much. Yet, if Lynn Messina’s feminist mantra is what women have been striving for for the last forty years, when a man says he doesn’t like to “take girls out” (read, treat them differently from his male friends), why should any of us be surprised, angry, or disgusted? He’s simply treating you the way you want to be treated, right? Just like him, just like one of the guys, just like another individual with the only defining characteristic from a “man,” beyond biological differences, is that perhaps you have a prettier profile than his hulking man-roommate. He probably won’t tell you that though, in case you’re offended. So, you’re mad he put you in the friend-zone? That he texted you at 10:30 p.m. on a promised “date-night” to finally invite you to a keg-stand? Lynn Messina would probably cheer. We’ve made it ladies, we’re off the pedestal of special treatment and down on the ground to roll around with all the guys.

“Preschooler” mom says her “heart aches” when she listens to her son “proudly explain what a gentleman is — because what he’s actually so proud of is his part in perpetuating millenniums of sexism.” My heart ached when I began to see how a generation of new mothers may be creating a future world of genderless genders. Like I said earlier, the New York Times mommy-blog “Motherlode” is where this article was posted. How terrifying is it if the opinion of this woman is the new ‘principal vein’ (which is the definition of a ‘motherlode’) of thought among young mothers? I’m hoping it’s not, because if it is, the “end of courtship” is just the beginning, relationships as we know them may be in for a similar extinction.

– ❤ A.

Sources: “The End of COurtship,” Alex williams, New York TImes | “I Don’t Want my Preschooler to be a gentleman,” Lynn Messina, New YOrk Times| Images via Etsy.com

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19 thoughts on “Confusing a Generation of “Gentlemen””

Thank you so much for writing this! It’s not a popular view but it is the RIGHT one and I agree with you entirely. Bottom line? I’m a woman, and I want to be treated like one! I’ve shared this to Facebook and my blog; I hope it gets spread far and wide! 🙂

I’m a feminist, staunchly so in fact. But for me, feminism is about equality despite the differences between the sexes, about saying we’re different but neither is somehow better than the other. Feminism doesn’t mean we all want to be treated like “one of the guys” all the time, you can still enjoy romance and being treated with respect!

Definitely! Wage equality, yes! Opportunity equality, yes! But I don’t think treating a girl like a lady is putting her on a pedestal or showing her an “empty courtesy,” it’s acknowledging respect for another human being. I would like to tell ‘preschooler’ mom to lighten up! Being so angry about letting girls go to the bathroom first isn’t showing her feminine strength, it’s blatantly broadcasting her insecurities about her own skin.

Amen. Finally, someone who talks about this issue openly and does not criticize chivalry. The reason why men behave like assholes and women are unbelievably unhappy is because they stopped acting like gentlemen and ladies. Women who are “extreme-feminists” are the ones who “destroy” gentlemen.
It is great to be taken care of by a man, it is great when he helps you and is there for you. Some women do not appreciate how wonderful it is when a man is a gentleman and respects you. Us women have to always be grateful for men who still act like gentlemen. Chivalry is not dead yet , it still exists. Therefore, instead of always criticizing men for their behaviour , we should work on ourselves,too. We women are the ones who decide how we want men to treat us. Instead of talking about nonsense like how who should go to the toilet first and complaining after, that the boy had to let the girls go first. We should behave like feminine ladies and be grateful for the men out there who are still chivalrous.
By the way, you might think I am 50 but I am only 20 years old.

The Muser:

Hello friends! I'm Alexandria. After joining the work-a-day-world post-graduation, I discovered an overwhelming yet undiscussed malaise among the females of cubicleville: the general conclusion that maintaining femininity is an impossibility with everything else modern girls must do. My blog, Vintage Muse+Modern Views shows today’s girl how to link classic feminine grace to the modern, casual, fast-paced lifestyle (with a little DIY thrown in too). So, follow me! And learn that classic beauty and grace can still fit into your world. If you love vintage-inspired things, check out my Etsy shop too!