Friday, February 4, 2011

I have found myself feeling overwhelmed. So very overwhelming. I feel myself falling. Falling so fast. Out of control. Misguided. Lost.

I try so hard to maintain the happy-go-lucky personality everyone sees. When someone sees even the slightest strain in my eyes or on my face... I get so many questions about what's wrong and the you are always happy, you must be tired.

I can be logical. I know the right way to think... I know that the way I have been thinking is ALL illogical. I know that I am just so... weak right now.

I struggle every moment of every day that I am not with my kids. I can't take it. I can't stand not being with them. I hate not seeing them the moment they get home from school. I HATE not being there every night for bed time.

I have realized that I no longer care about anything. I noticed it the other night. I came home from work and laid down on the couch. I didn't move after that until I woke up and went to bed. I don't cook for myself or really eat anything when the kids aren't here. I have lost all drive to find motivation for anything.

It is so hard for me to admit that I am incapable of something. It took me YEARS to finally admit defeat on my failed marriage. I mean, really!? I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be humiliated over and over again by him. Yet, it took me forever to grasp that there was nothing I could do. That my next course of action would be to tear the life my children knew to shreds. Make them start all over again. Oh, he was willing to stay married. WHY? Because I was home doing what a wife and mother was supposed to do, while he went out and poked everything he could. So he could treat me like crap and make me believe it was my fault. For years I had everyone convinced everything was fine. I was dying a little more and more everyday.

I finally made that HUGE move and did what I needed to do in order to start anew. I know the path I am on is the one I need to take. I know I am going the right direction. No, I am not willing to retrace my steps.

I have made some amazing new friends and have really started to be Manda again, not just Mommy. I think is what is making it so difficult for me to deal with. How can I let that happen? How can I not be Mommy all the time? How can I find a reason to smile when I'm not with my kids?

I know that I want to teach my children the importance of relationships with other people. All relationships. I want them to see the importance of a true and awesome friend and how to be one as well. I want them to see the connection sisters and brothers have with one another. I want them to see the love that can be shared between a couple. I want them to learn about love, acceptance, respect, trust, and companionship. I want them to see happy times and the support that is given during difficult times.

I know that by my actions with them from this point on, I can and I WILL teach them all of these things. They will see friendships new and old grow and strengthen. They will see how close and important family is. They will see that when two people are in a committed relationship they both feel important and loved and respected and they will want to grow to be able to involve themselves in relationships equal to that.

I can have logical thoughts, I know they are there. It's the illogical ones that are more powerful. Ugh... I really need out of this funk!!!!!