Should I send this?

Bees – long story (kinda) short, my father is an alcoholic/drug addict/manipulator/bad person in general. I (obviously) decided he wouldn’t be invited to my wedding, no question. Well, his father (my grandfather), was invited. We haven’t had a super close relationship, but not bad by any means. (My grandma would have been invited too, but she has late-stage dementia and couldn’t come). My grandpa RSVP’ed early, and said he would definitely be there. Then, he didn’t show up. No call, email, nothing. So I emailed him and asked why, and he wrote back saying my grandma was doing very poorly and he had to tend to her. He was very polite and said congrats and how happy he was for me. Well, last week, my sister went to lunch with my grandpa. He told her that he was “disgusted” at me for not inviting my father, and that I’m obviously selfish and greedy because the only time I will see my father is during Christmas so I can get a gift. (Really? Like I would subject myself to him for $75.00? I do it because my sister doesn’t want to go alone). He told my sister that I am disloyal to our family and he wouldn’t support that “with a check.” He also said he “knows nothing about my husband,” which my sister responded with “Well, he was at the wedding, so you probably would know him a little better if you would have come to the wedding.”

So, obviously I’m upset that he’s going around saying very rude things about me, and I’m upset that he blatantly lied to me about why he didn’t come to the wedding. I won’t stand for anymore of my family members being rude and cruel toward me, so I want to stand up for myself. I wrote this letter to him – can you bees please read it and tell me if I should send it? Is the tone right? Anything I should add/remove? Thanks!

Grandpa,

I was recently informed that you are “disappointed” in me for not inviting MY FATHER’S NAME to my wedding. It’s too bad that you weren’t able to tell me this directly, and that I have had to hear it second-hand. The fact of the matter is, it is absolutely my decision who is invited to my wedding. fATHER’S NAME, in case you weren’t aware, is a very long-term alcoholic/drug addict, and he has struggled with these addictions for years. As far as I know, he will struggle off and on with these addictions for the remainder of his life. However, despite these issues, he has two smart, successful, talented daughters. One of those daughters (as I can’t speak for the other one), has decided that a relationship with her biological father is no longer in her best interest. This decision has come after years of emotional and physical turmoil caused by him, manipulation, lack of support, and many other things. Anyone who has my best interests at heart would agree that cutting off this relationship was the best thing for me. I have gone without many things that I would have had if MY FATHER’S NAME would have been a dedicated parent. My mother supported us alone, and luckily, she did a wonderful job to compensate for MY FATHER’S NAME lacking. You have every right to your opinion, but I have the right (and the duty) to stand up for myself. It’s disappointing that you haven’t made very much effort to be a part of my life, but that was your choice. Now, since you clearly have the opinion that MY FATHER’S NAME has a “right” to a relationship with his daughter, I will respectfully disagree with you. No one has a right to a relationship with anyone; a relationship is earned. MY FATHER’S NAME has not earned a relationship with me, and as far as I can see, he continues not to make an effort to earn this. I would appreciate you keeping your opinions about me to yourself, or sharing them with me, and only me.

No. This letter is clearly written purely out of anger. The tone is confrontational and passive agressive. While I agree with what you’re saying and I can empathize with your hurt feelings, I would no approach it this way to deal with it.

If Grandpa has a history of alzhiemiers, this may just be him saying something most of us would only think. He may have heard this from his son (your dad) and be regurgitating it.

I, personally, would not accept any gifts from him. I would say to him that you appreciate it but now that you’re older his company is gift enough. Even if you don’t really want to see him after these comments… this gets you out of this loop of accepting gifts you don’t want, that he doesn’t want to give.

As for the things you’ve written about your father: I really, really hope you get some counselling to deal with how his addiction and behaviors have effected you. I have dealt with an addict in my life. It’s time to help deal with some of that pain.

You don’t owe him an explanation as to why your dad was not invited. I would personally, not bother trying to make him understand.

No I wouldn’t send that unless you’re trying to severe the relationship. This conversation should be had in person if it’s to be had at all.

He doesn’t need to give a “good” reason or a reason at all for not attending (though would have been nice if he had at least told you in advance) just like you don’t need to give him a reason for why you didn’t invite your father.

Any time an alcoholic is around, nasty untrue rumors will be spread about anyone who doesn’t cater to them. Obviously your grandpa is in denial about his son.

That said, this letter is not going to do what you want it to. I guess the truth is that you can’t stop these people from believing the lies your dad tells. You could tell your grandpa, when you are in a better place of accepting his position (otherwise you are likely to be disappointed and hurt), that you wanted him to know why you didn’t invite your dad. Say you wish things were different, but he has chosen drugs and drinking over family, and your relationship has suffered as a result. then you could tell grandpa that you missed him at the wedding, offer to share some pictures with him, and invite him to meet your husband.

Your grandpa is in a tough position here, his wife is suffering from dementia, and I imagine he is putting more stock on family because he can see how much it matters. That doesn’t make you wrong. In fact, it sounds like you made a healthy choice for yourself. But it means that he might noit be open to hearing bad things (aka, the truth) about his son. I wouldn’t let your father ruin this relationship with your grandpa so easily.

give it some time. I’m so sorry you are going though this. It’s unfair, but it’s also life.

I can relate to where you are coming from. I too haven’t had a relationship with my father in quite a while for some of the same reasons as yourself, and like yourself, I won’t be inviting my father to my wedding. I’ve found that other family members, especially of an older generation, often have a difficult time with the concept of an earned relationship and that there are times when protecting myself from a destructive person is more important than trying to hold onto a superficial and fractured relationship. It sounds like you have a very strong understanding of where your relationships stand and what your responsibilities to yourself are though.

I think the tone of the letter is firm and diplomatic. What do you hope to come from sending it? What do you think your Grandfather’s reaction would be? Whats the best and whats the worst possible scenario and are you okay with both of those? – those are the question I would use to decide whether to send it or not. Also, would you feel okay with perhaps calling him but having this in front of you as a guide or script?

This letter may have felt really good to write, but please don’t send it.

I had the same issues with my own father, who has now passed. I empathize with your situation and with your decision not to invite him.

When you are calmer, you can try to explain, in a heartfelt manner, why you didn’t invite your father. Your grandfather will probably not take your side (this is his child), but may have an inkling of understanding. But if that is what you hope to accomplish, you must understand his perspective/feelings as well.

The question should not be “should I send this?”. The question you should be asking yourself is “what is to be gained by sending this?” Do you feel that a dialogue would be opened with your Grandfather by sending a letter? If you do, then it’s absolutely worth sending it. If you’re only sending it to make yourself feel better, then don’t do it. I don’t think he’s going to read the letter and have an epiphany of “My god! My son IS an addict! Why didn’t I see this before?”