EGYPT: Every Woman Needs To Make Herself Her #1 Priority

My swim coach is in her mid to late twenties and she’s engaged to be married. On several occasions, I’ve noticed from the way she talks, that she does not seem to be happy in her relationship. Today, I didn’t see her engagement ring on her finger so I asked her about it. She said she had taken it off because she was afraid of losing it in the swimming pool.

I mentioned that I thought she had broken up and she confided that she had been on the verge of doing so the day before. She looked so sad and I understand how she feels. She is desperate and disappointed, she loved her fiancé but as he doesn’t show his love she said that she doesn’t feel anything for him anymore and she believes that sooner or later the relationship will be over.

I found myself telling her to think only about her happiness and about making herself the first priority in her life, that she must stop being the only one to give and that she has the right to receive. I expressed concern that by being the only one giving in a relationship, she may find herself, after a few years, frustrated, disappointed and unable to give anymore.

While talking to her, I found myself thinking about how women in my community, as well as in many other communities, grow up with the belief that a woman is created to only give. Everybody around her expects to receive yet no one thinks about what she needs or that she even has needs that must be met. A woman’s role is to make everybody happy even if she is not. Her husband, her children and even her parents expect a lot from her but no one cares about what she expects.

For many long years, I lived with the people surrounding me expecting too much from me. I was giving so much but at a certain point I could not go any farther. I could not accept the idea of burning myself for others while nobody thought about me. My reaction was a little bit aggressive. I could not bear anymore the idea of being a good girl, good wife and good mother.

Being good to my parents meant being obedient to my mother even if she was intruding on my personal life and imposing her beliefs as to what I need to do and what I should not do. Being good to my husband meant I had to take responsibility for everything, take care of his needs, be kind to him, work, and take care of the house all the while never having my needs met. Being a good mother meant taking care of the kids’ needs, studies, training and entertainment.

You may ask why my husband didn’t do his share in all of this? The answer is that we have different values and backgrounds so he always said that none of those things are his priorities, so if I wanted them I had to do it myself. For years I did, but after nine years I exploded and that was a turning point in my life. I got divorced and I lived, as a single mom, with my kids, for five years. Those years were the transformation years.

I finally realized what my mistake was. I was not making myself a priority. I was allowing everybody to make decisions for me. I was not happy yet I was expected to make others happy. I never thought about my needs, I was only focusing on the needs of my family. I reached a point where I couldn’t give love anymore. How could I do that with my emotional tank empty? To give love to others you need to get your emotional tank refilled. Only then will you be able to give love to everybody around you.

It took me years and I’m still working on it, learning to constantly refill my emotional tank from different resources in order to be able to give . That’s exactly what I told my lovely and kind swimming coach in my conversation with her today. Get your emotional tank refilled, do your best to find your own satisfaction and fulfillment. Do whatever you can to make yourself happy. Only then will you be able to give love to others . You will feel happy even if you don’t receive love from others because you already have your tank refilled.

I really sympathize with women in my community because they are taught lies about what it means to be a good wife and good mother and they believe it. They live internally unhappy but do not dare to object or ask for what they need. They feel that they must accept what they’re given. They are looking for approval from others and they are afraid to reject the beliefs they were bought up on.

What beliefs in your community hurt women’s well being yet they don’t dare to reject them?

Nihad is an Egyptian woman, who was born and has lived her whole life in Alexandria, Egypt. She says, “People who visited this city know how charming and beautiful this city is. Although I love every city in Egypt, Alexandria is the one I love the most.”
She is a software engineer and has worked in the field for more than twenty years. But recently she quit her job, got a coaching certificate and she is now a self employed life and career coach. She says, “I believe that women in this era face big challenges and they are taking huge responsibilities. That's why I have chosen my niche -- women looking for happiness and satisfaction. I help and support them in making whatever change (career change, life change, behavior change, belief change…) they want to bring more satisfaction and happiness in their lives.”
Nihad is a mother of two lovely boys, 15 and 9 years old. She states, “They are the most precious gifts I have ever had. I madly love them, and I consider them the main source of happiness in my life.”
Our inspiring mother in Egypt can also be found at Aurora Beams Life Coaching.

Comments

I live in South Africa which is a “melting pot” of many different creeds, cultures and ethnicities. One thing which seems to be a central tenet of all though, is that the woman is primarily responsible for taking care of the housework and the children. The only way to change that, is to raise strong daughters who are confident, and not afraid to stand up for their rights, as well as sons who are taught that cooking and cleaning is NOT “woman’s work”.

Personally, I’m really blessed because (since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia several years ago) my husband, son and daughter have all really “stepped up” and pretty much taken over most of my “chores”. My son is now 21 and living in Germany with his girlfriend and her family. There he continues to cook and help around the house. My 18 year old daughter is in her final year of High School, and isn’t afraid to express her needs and desires to her father and I. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for anything more! 🙂

This is so interesting. I feel like I’m at the same point — running on empty and overworked, but it is coming from a different place — my expectations for myself, no one else’s. I wonder why I can’t just sit down and relax at night, I’m always thinking about the next thing or the things I’d like to do, but haven’t done yet, so then I start doing them. It’s exciting though! That is probably the problem!! I like it, but I need to figure out how to schedule more rest for myself…

As for women’s rights, yes, I have a story. I chose to leave the Catholic Church between having my two daughters. I found it difficult to raise my daughters within an organization that didn’t value women — women aren’t allowed to take the top positions, but yet the organization depends on women to spread the religion — it is the majority of women who are teaching the children. They are trusted to spread the religion, but not to lead it, which is disappointing to me.

That among other serious human rights issues and child rights issues had me questioning the moral compass of the organization in which I was raised into, and I left. My daughters are being raised as equals to their male counterparts, to learn to forgive, to love and help others by, us, their parents. For me, breaking with the tradition of my ancestors felt right and it encouraged me to step up my game as role model to my kids.

The late Maya Angelou had a quote that really resonated with me:

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

I believe that until both women and men are making the decisions on leadership, our rights as women aren’t being valued.

This was the decision I made for myself and my family, but I understand that others feel differently on this issue. Many of my good friends and my family choose to continue with the religion, and they are still my good friends and family!

I am always amazed to hear about the strength that some women have to get up and go against the grain, against what they were bought up to believe and to do what they know is right for them. Lots of strength and power to you Nihad!

This post spoke to me, too. As a woman living in Japan, doing anything for myself often gets labeled as being “selfish.” Women are expected to care for their husbands, children, and in-laws. They do a lot more for their children and for longer then women in the US (where I grew up.) My mom would have laughed if I asked her to make my lunch in HS. Here it is expected. And don’t get me started on how much women do for their husbands here, and with fewer appliances than many western countries and no domestic help. It’s really hard to make yourself a priority when everyone else around you expects you to put yourself last.