You’re either with me or against me…

This morning I got the scare of my life. I opened up my Facebook app and saw a link to a Huffington Post article about the new Facebook Messenger. The app I had downloaded about two months ago to eliminate those annoying text messages that cost me money.

I mean, why isn’t everyone just using Apple products?!?!? Make my life a teensy bit better and get an Apple product so we can iMessage for free! Is it really so much to ask that the rest of the world conform to my technology so that my life can be easier?!?!? Is it?!?!?

We’re getting off topic here.

So FB Messenger has new terms of service. Part of those terms of service require that you allow FB to activate your microphone at any time. Okay, big red flag. I mean, when my husband is giving me sensitive information from the Navy and the Navy says to make sure you only tell your significant other and only face to face, do I now have to put my phone in the bathtub to ensure that Facebook isn’t getting the information?!?!

Because you know the very next step is Facebook requiring that they be able to turn on your phone even when you want it off.

The next red flag is the app requiring they be able to send messages to your friends without your permission. They may also call your phone numbers without your consent. They can also monitor your emails, length of calls, which phone numbers you call, and pretty much what color fucking underwear you are currently wearing.

They also want to be able to use your camera at any time they want. God forbid you want a little privacy when tupping your husband in the bedroom. Hell no, Facebook wants to watch and make sure no one falls off the bed. And if you do, they’ll call your boss and then text them a picture of you naked and falling so that your boss knows you’re not lying and you really can’t come in to work the next day.

I mean, Facebook, what do you think you are doing?!!!!

I already deleted the app, you can call me if you need me that badly. (But don’t text me. I’ll charge you the $0.35 for the message and add you to my shank list.)

And if Facebook keeps pushing me, I’ll delete the whole damn account! I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman “I say who, I say when, I say… WHO!” and Facebook is like a vicious pimp, smacking me into reality.

I think it speaks volumes that Facebook hasn’t said anything contrary to all these reports other than ‘we’ll use information collected wisely.’ Yeah, trust the guy who stole the entire concept of his website from some Ken dolls.

I’m going to need a Twinkie to quell the burning outrage that is rolling through me.