Oh yeah, that’s a great “idea,” guys. Definitely something you should buy for your “loved” ones this Christmas. Or “Hanukkah,” or whatever. These “kate spade” mittens are a “great value” at $65 (via “Buzzfeed“).

I showed these to my wife and she loved them immediately. Then I told here who made them and how much they cost. It didn’t deter her one bit. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as grounds for divorce, or possibly even annulment.

Last week: 4-8-1
Overall: 54-56-2

Atlanta -7 at Indianapolis

The Falcons have never won in Indianapolis. That right there is your meaningless trend of the week.

New York Jets +1 at Buffalo

Only because the Jets can’t afford to lose this week. Slap those asses extra hard, Rex.

Cleveland at Houston -11

If I were Peyton Hillis I would be shooting myself up with every steroid I could find. He’s well on his way to screwing himself out of any kind of a decent extension, his only hope is to have a huge second half. I’d say it’s worth the risk of getting caught.

Miami at Kansas City -4

The Chiefs and Bengals are both on the verge of a five-game winning streak. Didn’t see that coming.

San Francisco -3.5 at Washington

A condom company sends out a box full of their products to whichever quarterback takes the most sacks in a given week. This time the honor goes to John Beck who was sacked 10 times against Buffalo. That’s like sending canned ham to a Jew. We have a faint understanding of what it is, but would never dare use it.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans -8

I wish my grocery store sold Joe Horn’s barbecue sauce. I also wish my grocery store was called Breaux Mart. Seems like a chill store.

Seattle at Dallas -11.5

Good news, Cowboys. You probably won’t lose by four touchdowns this week. Probably.

Denver at Oakland -8

Cincinnati +2 at Tennessee

The Bengals have the second best run defense in the league. If Mike Shanahan were to be fired, I wouldn’t mind having Mike Zimmer coach my team.

New York Giants at New England -9

Maybe if Ahmad Bradshaw was healthy. Maybe.

St. Louis +1 at Arizona

“Meh.”

Green Bay -5.5 at San Diego

I would have also accepted Green Bay +anything.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh -3

I think I’d rather have an undeniably shitty quarterback like John Beck than a guy like Joe Flacco who is just barely good enough to keep his team from pursuing a replacement. Does that make any sense? Probably not. Does John Beck make me want to watch Red Zone channel? Of course. Does Peter King think Flacco is on the verge of putting it all together? POSSIBLY. Have I been drinking? No, I make my picks sober like some kind of asshole.

Chicago at Philadelphia -7.5

Monday Night Football’s big chance to not totally suck. They’ll fuck it up. Just watch. The Bears will give the ball to Matt Forte on 10 straight offensive plays, after which he will take off his pads and refuse to reenter the game until he has a new contract. All the while Jon Gruden will talk in that affected voice of his as if sounding like a pretend cowboy* is the most natural thing in the world. Fuck that guy and the horse he pretended to ride in on.

*credit to Steve Czaban who accurately describes it as a John Wayne impression

Joe Horn is just trying to make the best sauce that Joe Horn can make, because Joe Horn is all about bringing Joe Horn’s best to the dinner table, whether it be Joe Horn’s own family or a family who’s purchased one of Joe Horn’s Joe Horn Sauces. Joe Horn, Joe Horn. Joe Horn.

Okay, Philly has the worst linebackers in the league and no D-line. Chicago has Matt Forte, who leads the league in yards from scrimmage. Mike Vick throws interceptions to Urlacher like he slams dogs into the ground. And Philly is 3 – 4 and has only beaten shitty teams (Cowboys, Rams, and Redskins, oh my!). So they get 7 points on Chicago? Why?

Speaking of Simmons, I just read this at Crapland: Semi-related: Pearl Jam submitted the best Unplugged of all time. You’re not topping this or this for an Unplugged show. Sorry. The “Nothing else matters from the early-’90s but Nirvana” fans can blow me.

“I think I’d rather have an undeniably shitty quarterback like John Beck than a guy like Joe Flacco who is just barely good enough to keep his team from pursuing a replacement. Does that make any sense?”

You answered your own question nacho, Simmons does douchebag things because he is in fact a douchebag. We all know it’s a douchebag’s natural inclination to do douchebag things, thus why our dear friend William spells “F you” as he does, is because in fact he is a fucking douchebag and thinks and cares not about doing annoying things.

Brothers, I have just emerged from Armageddon. No, I didn’t off myself due to Dallas’ unbearably horrid showing last weekend, I listened to the first half of that game on a shitty AM station that was fading in and out on my battery powered radio inside my frigid (around freezing) apartment. Honestly at that point football was the least of my worries, though some sort of effort from those pieces of shit would have been nice. I turned the game off at the half, assumed the worst and went to sleep. This freak storm I’m sure hurt much of the eastern seaboard but I don’t think it hit anyone as hard as it hit Connecticut.

Long story short, I’ve been without powers since Saturday afternoon, that’s last week of October Saturday. A full week without power. No lights, no TV, no internet, no hot water, no stove, no nukuwave, no heat. A FUCKING WEEK! Did I mention that it was generally 10-15 degrees cooler than it normally is this time of year? I think it should be noted. Every night except Thursday night the temps fell below freezing at night outside, which pretty much means they fell below freezing in my place.

Now this was a freak storm, I mean snow in October? What the fuck!? But it did expose how thoroughly shitty Connecticut’s infrastructure had become. Case in point, the power lines leading to my neighborhood ran through a forest. Okay it wasn’t really a forest as it was a patch of trees maybe about 10-15 yards wide, but for the sake of the power lines it might as well have been since the lines ran right through it the whole way with trees on both sides of the lines and several trees that were leaning on the power lines, as in the power lines were keeping the tree from falling onto the road (it should be mentioned that the whole strip of woods was on a steep embankment). Those lines should either have been underground or those trees should never have been allowed to grow all around the lines. I’m guessing much of the state was like that since at one point 75% of Connecticut was without power. SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT!

The thing I’m looking forward to the most is taking a hot shower (the Cowboys not completely sucking would be nice too). I actually managed to eat some hot soup every day by using candles to heat up cans of soup (use your imagination). It wasn’t the most efficient, safe, or quick system, but when you’re cold and hungry a warm can of soup is pretty awesome. The worst part was the showering. I can’t stand to be dirty. I freak out enough if I don’t even shower everyday, but 2 days I can’t do so Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I wound up taking ice cold showers. Taking a cool shower on a hot summer day is nice. Taking a frigid shower when it’s 45 or so degrees around you sucks as much as you’d think it does, but it’s worth it to get clean.

Anyway I survived a week in the 19th century and now I’m back to civilization and ready to watch some football. The Cowboys can’t possibly get as demolished as they did last week, can they? I mean they’re playing Seattle.

Excellent insight into Flacco – you never know if we’re getting Human Joe or Zombie Joe. Watching him play QB is worse than having nails driven straight into your knees. Not the regular nails, the Jesus Christ hanging nails they used back in the day.

@Otto – It friggin’ sucked. Who would have thought that 6 – 7 inches of snow would completely kick an entire state’s ass like that? I mean this storm fucked Connecticut up, it fucked us right up the ass without having the common decency to give us a reach around, or even use lube for that matter. But I guess that’s what happens when the infrastructure has been so neglected for so long. Plus it’s not like it was fluffy snow, it was wet, saturated snow so an inch probably weighed as much as 4 inches of fluffy snow and it just stuck to the trees like glue. By Tuesday power had been restored to enough places that at least you could go somewhere to get a warm meal, even if it wound up being a Burger King (a warm meal is a warm meal) or something. But Saturday was pretty much a white out and Sunday and Monday were like some weird pseudo-post-apocalyptic-esque movie. People wandering the streets all bundled up looking for anything that’s open. Cars driving around aimlessly looking for any place they could find gas or food and for the most part finding none. Everyone tired, stressed out, dirty, on edge.

@Moose – Yeah, after the first night when I was listening to the radio in the morning and they announced how extensive the damage was and the realization set in that this may take a while I dug my camping gear out and started using my sleeping bag at night. It’s not a cold weather sleeping bag, just a plain ol’ cheap Coleman sleeping bag, but it still did a decent job of keeping me warm at night. For whatever reason Thursday during the day was the worst, even though it wasn’t any colder than the other days. For whatever reason, I could not get warm that whole day. I had on long johns, sweatpants, 2 pairs of socks (1 pair cotton, 1 pair wool), long sleeve shirt, and a hoodie, and even with a blanket I was still shivering all day.. Once I crawled into the sleeping bag that night and wound up throwing a blanket over the sleeping bag for good measure, I was fine, but that whole day there was nothing I could do to get warm.

I’m just ready to watch some football tomorrow. I’m down for shitty games, whatever (though I’d prefer some good games). If I was going to have to miss another Sunday of football watching and be cold tomorrow trying to listen to shitty AM radio stations that barely come in, I think I would lose it and be out in the streets with tattered clothing, magic marker on my face for war paint, and a tree branch sharpened into a shitty looking spear just going berserk.

I was just dealing with my dead house plants which were left outside during the Armageddon of last week. I had them on a rock wall next to my driveway. While fucking with them 4 rocks fell off the wall 3.5′ on my left foot. I think I might be out tomorrow with a big toe. The storm claims another victim. At least I had a wood stove for my week without power. The worst part for me was no water because I have a well. Taking a poop in a dry toilet is disgusting. My house looks like it was ransacked.

0tarin; right after that happened; what percentage of your “sailor” vocabulary did you go through? This is an indicator of the severity of the stub, although complete silence would top the severity meter.

Nothing but a long slow “uuuuurrrrrrrrggggggggg” through clenched teeth. Other than that, I’m with Spanky: today we might get rain (like we did all day yesterday) and it’s going to be a frigid 65F. Damn this Cali climate!