The Adventures of Texas Ted

When a beloved local boy named Bobby Turner falls ill with a fever, his desperate mother calls on Texas Ted for help. Can Texas Ted ride his steed, Blood Red, to El Paso and fetch a doctor in time to save the boy? Texas Ted bravely tells Mrs. Turner that, since Bobby is uninsured, there’s no point. Instead, Texas Ted goes to the general store and buys a six-pack of Shiner Bock. He does not drink it.

The Bank Heist

Texas Ted is called upon to stop a robbery at the local bank, but when he arrives he discovers that the robbers graduated from Princeton the same year he did. They all shake hands. Texas Ted compliments their entrepreneurial impulses, and the robbers vow to make a hefty campaign donation in exchange for Texas Ted lowering their taxes.

Daring Don

Daring Don, Texas Ted’s sworn rival, comes to town. Daring Don threatens to shoot someone in the middle of the street, calls Texas Ted’s wife a dog, and tells the townspeople that Texas Ted’s father killed a man. The townspeople love him, which makes Texas Ted hate him even more. Texas Ted challenges Daring Don to a showdown at high noon. But at 11:58 Daring Don tells Texas Ted that something came up and he has to get back East. Texas Ted knows this is a lie, but he admires it.

Soup-Can Standoff

Texas Ted buys a hundred cans of soup.

School Daze

A bandit takes the one-room schoolhouse hostage using a stolen pistol, but the golden-haired teacher, Mary Peters, manages to scare him off. Texas Ted gives Miss Peters his old pistol to use the next time the bandit comes around. Miss Peters says she’s not sure she needs it, but Texas Ted insists. The next day, little Teddy Anderson plays with Miss Peters’s gun while she’s at the blackboard and accidentally shoots her in the leg.

Old River Rising

When the Sandy Bottom River begins to swell, the townspeople band together to save Farmer Al’s plot of land. They ask for Texas Ted’s help in securing sandbags to prevent a flood, but Texas Ted tells them there’s no scientific evidence that the river is actually flooding. As he says this, water breaches the sandbags, and the assembled crowd drowns.

Black Gold

The tycoon J. W. Barnerd discovers oil in town. After Barnerd drills his wells, most of the town falls sick. The mayor tells Texas Ted that the oil runoff has contaminated the water supply. Texas Ted tells the mayor that Barnerd is a job creator. Meanwhile, Barnerd sucks the ground dry and skips town. The townspeople can no longer drink the black, contaminated water. Texas Ted does not offer them his six-pack of Shiner Bock.

The Birth of Beautiful Ted

With midterm vigilante elections coming up, Texas Ted finds himself facing a challenger who possesses the one thing Texas Ted will never have: charisma. He’s a straight-shooting skateboarder, and he hasn’t let anyone drown or be shot. There’s only one man who can save Texas Ted now: Daring Don. Texas Ted swallows his pride. Daring Don rides into town. He calls Texas Ted “beautiful.” Now Texas Ted is “Beautiful Ted.” Beautiful Ted feels very beautiful indeed.

A Single Vote

Beautiful Ted casts his ballot and wins the election. It turns out that Beautiful Ted was the only one who voted, because everyone else died from drinking the black water. He hops on Blood Red and rides into the sunset, but Blood Red dies under him. She also drank the black water. Beautiful Ted, undeterred, finally opens that six-pack of Shiner Bock. He walks toward the sunset on his own two feet, which he nicknames “Wrong” and “Alone.”