Think about changing negative comments into positive ones e.g don’t eat like a pig = can you take smaller mouthfuls?, don’t yell = please talk quietly. (It might sound daft when you’re frustrated/angry but if you model this, they will start to be more positive - if you shout and yell when you are angry- they will learn that behaviour and think it is acceptable).

Clear rules -don’t waffle, don’t lump a lot of rules together, the younger the child, the more exact the wording needs to be.

Write out routines including screen time, morning routine, bedtime and chore lists so they can see it.

Use the first and then principle

Distract, start doing or talking about something else

Ignore

Which behaviours could you ignore?

Time out- is extended ignoring but do it respectfully

Which behaviours would this be for? Which behaviours would you like to see more of and encourage?

Providing consequences – these must be realistic, time limited and consistently reinforced. Use natural consequences where possible e.g if your child destroys a toy, they have to ‘work’ to earn the money it would cost to replace it or at least some of it.

so they know occasionally they get a reward just because you love them!

Repetition is key

Consistency in following rules and consequences is important as children will look for loopholes when you are tired and impatient.

Model the behaviour you want (this is more important than anything else you do)– if you show calm, control and respect, it will help them. If you argue in front of the children, storm off, complain to your friends on the phone, have outbursts of anger – it’s possible your children will too.

Kids are mirrors – they reflect back to you how you behave and what you feel by imitating it. They are hyper-sensitive to everything you feel and do.

You need to be an ally instead of an accuser, a mentor rather than a gloater (I told you so), a parent who affirms your child’s worth even when he makes mistakes.

Think about how you handle failure and how mistakes were viewed in your family.

The Crucial Cs – to survive and flourish

As a parent you need to show confidence, be clear and assertive.

Children need to feel connected to you, need to feel they count to you and need to have the courage to fail. They need bridges not brick walls.

COURAGE – Encourage them to take risks. This makes them feel hopeful and builds their self-esteem.

CONNECT - They need to connect with others and feel they belong which makes them feel secure. The more fun and more play you have the better!

CAPABLE – They need to learn competence, self-control and self-discipline (otherwise they could feel inadequate and try to control others).

COUNT – They need to feel significant and make a difference (if they don’t feel they count, it can lead to low self-esteem). Ask the how they’re feeling, don’t second guess!

Sibling rivalry – some pointers

This can get physical especially with boys.

Talk about WE – how do we do things as a family?

Ensure they have 1:1 time regularly to increase their self-esteem. This could be 5 minutes a day during the week and longer at weekends and holidays.

As it says in the Crucial Cs – they must feel connected to you and each other.