Stories have the power to change the world … they inspire us, teach us, connect us.This is the thirty-fourth installment in the “Stories That Change The World” series.

I have a private Facebook group for moms of LGBT kids. We have more than 1,600 moms in the group. The group was especially created for open minded Christian moms of LGBT kids who want to develop and maintain loving, healthy, authentic relationships with their kids. Our unofficial nickname is Mama Bears because are both cuddly and fierce when it comes to loving and protecting our kids.

One of the bonuses of the group is that many of the moms become LGBT advocates and pour their hearts into working to make the world a kinder, safer place for all LGBT people to live.

Janie Romine is one of those Mama Bears.

Janie recently went undercover in order to help a reporter from ABC news investigate conversion therapy camps for LGBT youth. She was recruited by ABC News and the work she did helped create a documentary that aired on 20/20. The documentary exposed horrific abuse and torture of LGBT youth that takes place at these camps.

I asked Janie to share, in her own words, what she discovered while doing the undercover work and pretending to be a mother who was considering sending her son to the camp.

“Parents cannot visit once their kids are enrolled. All correspondence and communication is monitored and censored.

It’s a money making venture so just like privatized prisons there is no incentive for a quick turnaround. The minimum commitment is 2 years. One boy had been there since he was 12, turned 18 the week after we were there and was being put out since his family didn’t want him back.

The Bible and the belt were what Brother Gary said he used to get the kids on the right track. However there was a room without windows at the top of the stairs that we weren’t allowed to enter and I suspect it was used for isolation, perhaps even more than that.

The tuition is $1,750/month and the families must supply suits and ties and work clothes as the boys grow.

Sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts aren’t allowed. Only cash or gift cards can be sent and I suspect those are never given to the boys.

I wasn’t aware at the time that Brother Gary had a criminal past but I was also not surprised. I don’t believe he had any credentials or a college degree. I believe he was a self professed pastor.

Because he operates under the guise of being a church facility his income (which exceeds $500k annually) is tax free.

There is always a waiting list – because that many parents are that messed up.

Because parents keep sending their kids to him and the money keeps pouring in, Brother Gary believes God is endorsing his work.

The kids at the camp are made to work 16 hour days, 7 days a week.

Brother Gary informed us the kids go to school 4 hours a day, which he said was “mostly the Bible and a little math” and claimed the state considers his teaching as complete and transferable. They get Jesus and Geometry.

The kids are basically trained to be manual laborers. They have no exposure to the arts or science or anything in the outside world. There are no phones or internet or cable tv. They are literally held as prisoners by people who appear to be religious zealots but may be nothing more than people using religion as a weapon for their own pleasure and personal gain.

Surely Jesus weeps.” – Janie Romine

The fact that camps like this exist is horrifying and disturbing. It is hard to read Janie’s description but it is something that needs to be known.

I was glad to hear that one of the so called pastors was prosecuted, convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison, but, I think it is important to point out that there would not be a market for these camps if churches did not teach that all same sex relationships are sinful.

As long as we have churches, Christian leaders and Christian organizations teaching that the bible condemns all same sex relationships there will be Christian parents looking for a way to “help” their kids.

So, in conclusion, I want to include a list of people who I consider to be indirectly responsible for the torture and abuse that go on at these camps. These people have a lot of influence and many Christian parents listen to what they teach. I personally hold them responsible for the pain and suffering that so many LGBT youth endure. No matter how kindly or lovingly the message is delivered it is damaging and leads parents to harm the children that they love and cherish.

Franklin Graham

Tony Perkins

James Dobson

Robert Jeffress

Anne Paulk

Michael Brown

Janet Parshall

Greg Laurie

Al Mohler

John Piper

Jim Daly

Roger Jimenez

David Lane

Jerry Fallwell, Jr.

And any other pastor, Christian leader, church or Christian organization that holds the position that all same sex relationships are sinful.

****************************************************

Serendipitydodah for Moms is a private Facebook group created as an extension of the Serendipitydodah blog. The group is private so only members can see who is in the group and what is posted in the group. The group was started in June 2014 and presently has more than 1,400 members. The space was specifically created for open minded Christian moms who have LGBT kids and want to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships with their LGBT kids.

In 1976, Michael Bussee helped found one of the most divisive organizations to ever confront the LGBT community. Exodus, International started as an offshoot of the Jesus Movement and was based on the idea that a Christian could only be “ex-gay,” since fundamentalist Christianity and homosexuality were incompatible. Three years later, Bussee quit the organization when he began to see the devastating impact it was having on its participants.

“I got a call one night from a man in our group who had taken a razorblade to his genitals and then poured bleach on them. It was all because he couldn’t stop ‘falling’ [having sexual encounters]. I knew this idea [of ex-gay] wasn’t working,” he said.

Bussee was certain Exodus would quickly die out on its own with its dismal results, poor leadership, and small town thinking. In fact, two years after his departure a friend told him the ministry had indeed closed. With no Internet and no way of checking to see if this were true, Bussee sighed in relief telling his friend, “Thank God, they won’t be able to hurt anyone else.”

He was shocked when, in 1990, Bussee and his partner of 10 years, Gary Cooper, a former Exodus participant, sat in their apartment watching the news. “On came Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Family Coalition,” Bussee explained. “He was trying to get rid of all the gay teachers in California. One of the interviewers asked Lou Sheldon, ‘When you say homosexuals can change, can you give us an example of a program that’s successful?’ ‘Oh yes, there’s this wonderful organization called Exodus International and they have a tremendous success rate.’” Bussee recalled.

Cooper, recently diagnosed with AIDS and knowing his time was short, looked at Bussee and asked, “Can we stay silent?” They knew they couldn’t.

Bussee and Cooper contacted an attorney friend and put together a news conference at his office. Only one reporter from the local paper covered the story. They assumed this would be their only statement and their lives would resume. But when the story got picked up by the Associated Press, Bussee said, “The phone started ringing off the hook and interview requests started coming in because we were speaking out against Exodus.”

Just two years earlier, in 1988, a young John Smid moved from his home in Omaha, Nebraska to join ex-gay ministry Love in Action, based in San Rafael, California. It was one of the founding ministries of Exodus International, and hosted a residential program for men and women trying to live a straight life. Smid came on board as the residential ministry director.

Additionally, in that same year, a 24-year-old former drag queen from Columbus, Ohio attended the Love in Action program as a participant. He’d captured the hearts and attention of the gay community as Candi on the drag queen circuit. Already used to life under the spotlight, John Paulk had no idea how his stage presence was a mere training ground for a career that would change history.

When Paulk and his “ex-lesbian” girlfriend, Anne, announced their engagement, phones at the Love in Action office began ringing off the hook. John and Anne became the poster children for the entire ex-gay movement. Their simple tale of love stood as a pillar of evidence among conservative Christians and the fundamentalist political movement already snaking its way through the highest offices in the United States

In 1990, I, too, attended Love in Action’s one-year residential program. Six months later, in June of 1991, I joined the ministry staff as the outreach director. I had no knowledge of Michael Bussee, or his efforts to intervene in the work John Smid, John Paulk and I had signed up to do. With the release of The Gay Agenda video in 1992, John Smid and John Paulk, along with a handful of other ex-gay ministry leaders, took center stage with interviews on, among other shows, Oprah Winfrey, Good Morning America, and World News Tonight with Peter Jennings.

The Christian right created and then latched on to the belief that “thousands” of men and women had changed from gay to straight and were all part of the Exodus message: “There is freedom from homosexuality through Jesus Christ.”

Wearing our fundamentalist faith like uniforms, we spread the message in churches, schools, college campuses, and news media, believing millions of men, women and children depended on us to keep them from the flames of hell. And we believed that message with all of our hearts. We believed that we, ourselves, had changed.

In fact, we had each married women. In the ex-gay world, marriage was a badge of healing and proof that the ex-gay message worked.

More joined our ranks through the years, including Randy Thomas who eventually became the last Executive Vice President of Exodus International and worked as a special guest of the religious right to block legislative protections of LGBT people. Catherine Chapman, a pastor’s daughter, worked as the women’s ministry director of Portland Fellowship in Portland, Oregon after nearly losing her own family because she had fallen in love with another woman.

Brad Allen came on staff at Exodus, International in 2007 to work as the church network coordinator. His purpose was to create and maintain connections with new churches and their leaders, proliferating the message of Exodus throughout the country.

Yvette Cantu Schneider, first hired as a policy analyst for Family Research Council, later served as the women’s ministry director for Exodus International. Yvette famously lobbied, along with other “ex-gay” leaders, to get Dr. Robert Spitzer to produce the controversial paper, “Can some gay men and lesbians change their sexual orientation?” Dr. Spitzer is credited with removing homosexuality as a mental disorder from the diagnostics and statistics manual (DSM III), in 1973. In 2012, recanted that paper, which has been a blight on an otherwise stellar psychiatric career.

There were many other well-known and outspoken leaders along the way, including Rev. Bill Prickett, Rev. Darlene Bogle, and Jeremy Marks, founder of the UK ministry, Courage. Each of us were replaced by younger, enthusiastic and eager versions of ourselves, prepared and ready to take the spotlight in the name Christian fundamentalism, and declare themselves delivered. Each eventually faded into the shadows to be replaced, again, by more believers feeling they had discovered the true way of freedom.

One by one, however, once out of the spotlight and away from the “ex-gay machine,” many of us sat in silence, unable to escape the very real struggle that led us to the ministries in the first place. Gradually moving away from the beliefs and ideologies that kept us self-deceived, each former leader went through his or her own personal metamorphosis. Some experienced divorce; others faced life-threatening diagnoses. In the process, most lost families and churches; all lost their social standings and esteemed positions among the still famous religious right. Some of us hid in shame for many years, failures of our own theology.

Our religion turned on us. There was no escaping the self-condemnation, self-hatred, and self-loathing. In a different light, our embarrassment consumed us. We had judged. We had spoken emphatically. In the process, we condemned an entire generation with the fear mongering of our fundamentalist theology. And the weirdest part, is that we didn’t even know we were doing it.

One by one, we felt the need to set the record straight. We slowly emerged from out of the shadows to tell our stories. Though cathartic, we have been painfully aware that the damage done can never be erased.

In 2015, we joined forces to become the Former Ex-gay Leaders Alliance (FELA) with the mission to end conversion therapy, provide education to anyone willing to listen and create a safe place for people harmed by the sexual orientation change efforts (SOCE). Working with The National Center for Lesbian Rights, FELA released a statement in support of the Born Perfect campaign. We aligned with the Southern Poverty Law Center, creating a list of stories as former leaders and founders of conversion therapy vowing to stand against the powerful political machine of Christian fundamentalism.

There are many who would like to see us go away. But here we are. This time our message isn’t based in fear, hatred, misunderstanding or arrogance. We are not pretending or believing to be people we are not. Our confidence isn’t based on a self-righteous interpretation of a book we presume to understand better than everyone else. Our message is simple and clear.

Freedom comes through living honestly, authentically, and unashamedly. We are never meant to be any more or any less than who we are. Love is bigger than sexuality. Sexuality is complex. And if God does indeed exist, God is too big to be contained between the pages of a book; God’s grace knows no bounds. All are worthy of love, acceptance, belonging and respect, just because we are here.

Whether the technique is “talk therapy”, psychoanalysis, or aversive conditioning like snapping a rubber band on your wrist to stop “temptations”.

No, it’s not just the methods — ineffective and harmful as they may be. It’s the underlying message in all of this that really does the harm: “You are “broken”, stunted in your masculinity or femininity, “disordered”, sinful, sick.

You really need “help” or “treatment”. You need more prayer. More faith. There is something seriously wrong with you spiritually. You have a psychological problem too. We can help.”

And no matter how they try to present all of this as benevolent, the underlying message is actually quite malevolent. If you don’t “change”, you risk going to hell. What other “therapy” teaches those things?

They claim this is all “scientific”, when it’s not. They say that it’s just about a client’s “choice” and “right to self-determination”. And yet kids can be forced into it. You can be rejected by family, church and God if you don’t comply.

If you say it’s not working, they say you didn’t try hard enough or didn’t go to the right therapist, counselor or program. When you ask for success stories, they trot out married people who still “struggle with SSA” or try to present celibacy as orientation change.

Don’t be misled. It’s not just the methods they use. It’s the shameful, alienating, parent-blaming, homophobic, fundamentalist doctrine they promote. And as we all know, it’s that message that is poison to the soul.” – Michael Bussee

Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the mid-1970s, while working as a telephone counselor at Melodyland Christian Center in Anaheim, California, Bussee co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS. However, within a few years, Bussee began to doubt the efficacy and ethics of the ex-gay message and in 1979 he left Exodus and eventually began to speak out about the tremendous damage that results from the anti-gay message. Today Bussee is a retired Marriage and Family therapist, who devotes much of his time helping LGBT people heal from the trauma they faced from the Christian anti-gay message.

My recent viewing of “Our America with Lisa Ling: Pray The Gay Away?” reminded me of how destructive and harmful programs like Exodus International and Janet Boynes Ministry are. Not only do these programs teach that same sex relationships are sinful – they send the message that LGBT people are unacceptable to God and the Christian community. As a result, many people end up living a lie for many years which in turn leads to emotional suffering and pain for themselves and those they are in relationship with.

Here is a very insightful and moving post by a friend of mine that reveals what it is like to live the lie that Exodus International, Janet Boynes Ministry and many churches encourage LGBT people to live.

A Peek inside the Closet: Growing up Gay in Conservative America by Rick James

Oct 6, 2008

What follows is a letter I sent to my mom in order to help her understand two main things: 1) how much of a choice homosexuality is NOT, and 2) what growing up gay, homophobic, and under closet oppression was like from my conservative, intolerant church perspective. Everything written here is based on my experience and life’s events. However, it’s not too shocking to me that I have people comment constantly that it could well have been written exactly the same for their life-story.

I do realize that – and I think you will agree – I was hard on my mom. I wish I had not been. In spite of it, however, you might be happy to know that since the writing of this letter she opened her heart and her mind to me – really hearing me during the summer of ’09. I think she was feeling as though she were about to lose her son. Faced with that possibility, or faced with the prospect of really listening to me and considering things that she had not before thought about, she decided that her son was more important than her theology (flawed or not).

She now believes, with a lot of help from me and other Godly, yet gay-affirming, men and women, that her former position was at best terribly misinformed. She now sees that she blindly swallowed hook, line, and sinker everything she was handed from the religious right on the gay issue.

It happens so often that people believe themselves to be so right on particular issues that the only attitude with which they engage those issues is: how can I pick this apart and disprove it? They never once entertain the idea that their interpretation of things, or concepts that they have been taught from very young, just might be flawed. Thank God for His Spirit who is constantly at work even among the hardest of the hard-headed.

I invite you now to take a peek into what my life was like for the first 40 years.

A Peek Inside the Closet

“A traditional religious belief is that “grace builds on nature,” in other words religious life depends on a good foundation in human health. Therefore we can legitimately evaluate the validity of a religious belief system by its psychological consequences. Good theology will result in good psychology, and vice versa. Accordingly, bad theology will have negative psychological consequences. This is nothing more than an application of the biblical norm: “You will be able to tell them by their fruits” (Matt. 7:16) If Saint Irenaeus proclaimed, the glory of God is humans FULLY ALIVE [emphasis mine], then clearly a belief system that results in the destruction of human health cannot serve the glory of God.” ~Dr. John J. McNeill

Mom,

For someone who has not lived this life, it is impossible for that person to fully understand. I am sitting here trying to think of some other current condition in life to which closeted homosexuality (of the variety that self-rejects and self-loathes) can be compared – I cannot think of one other condition that comes close.

Nevertheless, I tried to put some things down on paper because I wanted to help you understand to some small degree what life is like for people like me, people who because of the position of society, their family, and the Church feel they have to hide, deny, or reject their true nature.

What follows is not intended to be a comprehensive list. If I wanted to be comprehensive, I would have to write volumes, and it would likely be a project that would take years. As the title suggests, this is just to give you a small idea of what growing up gay is like in our society, conservative religious context, and in a family that views homosexuality as a deviation from God’s plan. Believe me when I say this barely scratches the surface of what it’s like growing up gay, homophobic, and in the closet.

Childhood

Age 7 to 8 years – the gay boy knows he is different than the other boys, although he cannot necessarily decipher why, or what the condition is

The gay boy begins to gain the awareness that for some reason he is unable to acculturate himself to the acceptable heterosexual pattern of his male peers/family members

The gay boy knows instinctively that he tends to identify more with his female friends/ relatives, but all the while does not understand why

The gay boy desires greatly to identify with his “straight” male peers/relatives, but for some unknown reason is inhibited

The gay boy fears that his parents (especially his Father) thinks less of him because of some perceived inferiority

The gay boy wonders and fears in the back of his mind what mom and dad think about his desire to have an “action figure” that resembles a Barbie-doll more than anything else

The gay boy likes going across the street and playing with the neighbor-girl’s dollhouse, knowing that this activity would be frowned upon by many, but he fears most the reaction of his parents

Early School Years

The gay boy gains an interest in playing sports (soccer, to be precise), not because he has much affection for the sport itself, but because he wants to be close to one very cute player with whom he is enthralled

While others seem to have very little issue, the gay boy avoids the gym shower (and even PE altogether) for fear that while in the shower with his peers, his bodily reaction to their naked form – over which he has little control – will give him away

Parents

The gay boy cannot turn to his parents for support or guidance because he knows by the comments they’ve made about “those homosexuals” and the AIDS epidemic that his revelation to them will only bring condemnation, judgment, shame, and pain

The parents have made it clear to the gay boy, because of their statements/reactions towards a gay relative, that it is an emotionally charged and unsafe topic

The gay boy wants so badly to please his parents, but feels trapped between his desires and theirs

Going to Church

While others at the “24 Hour Famine” are fasting and praying for the hungry/needy in less fortunate countries, the gay boy is fasting and praying that his deepest longings will be purged from him

While others are going to the altar for typical prayer needs (i.e. health, prosperity, spiritual needs for self and others), the gay boy’s trips to the prayer bench are a desperate plea to become like everyone else…or to die, whichever comes first

The gay boy learns quickly that bearing false witness (i.e. lying) is the “right thing to do” if he wants to survive life in his conservative church – what he does not realize is that this will produce a life-long pattern of dishonesty and deceit – something that is not easily shed

The gay boy avoids reading scriptures that appear to condemn him, rendering him completely incapable of reconciling his faith and his sexuality

The gay boy listens to respected church officials demonizing people exactly like himself – he is now certain there is no one at church to whom he can speak about his condition

The gay boy constantly feels like he is a failure in God’s eyes, in his own eyes, and will soon be in the eyes of his family and friends if he cannot free himself of the “problem”

The gay boy cannot stand that he is considered an “abomination” for something over which he had no choice – he doesn’t understand why God would hate him for wanting to express love to those whom his affection is “hardwired”

Friendships (gals)

The gay boy is surrounded by girl-friends… somehow they sense that he is different, he is not likely to try to take advantage of them in an undesired way – what they do not realize is that it is this very characteristic that precludes them from intimacy with him – nevertheless, some try

The gay boy listens to and agrees/disagrees with his female friend’s statements about certain other boys, but is not able to voice his opinions or affections

The gay boy realizes (whether consciously or subconsciously) that his feminine liaisons are his support group, yet he is often frustrated and jealous of them because they are free to express their emotional longings for the objects of their desire (which happen to be the same as his), while the gay boy is bound to silence

Friendships (guys)

The touch of a gay boy’s “best friend” sends chills up and down his spine and puts a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach

The gay boy knows instinctively that the object of his affection will more than likely not reciprocate his sentiment – in fact, the knowledge of that affection will almost certainly end the friendship

The gay boy on a sleep-over, in the same bed with his “best friend,” lies there petrified and unable to go to sleep because of what he feels, but upon which he dare not act

High School and Teenage Years

The young gay teenager, as he has now gone through the bodily changes that mark the beginning of manhood, begins to realize how he is different – because of his culture, religious context and upbringing he instinctively knows he must hide – what’s more, according to everyone that the gay boy trusts and holds dear, Christians CANNOT be gay…he decides to believe he is not; thus begins his self-deception and denial

The two emotions that dominate the gay boy’s life are fear and isolation; fear of what family and friends would think if they knew the truth, and isolation because there is no one to whom he can turn – only much later in life will he realize how very psychologically damaging the denial, fear and isolation will be

The gay teen buys his clothing/tennis shoes with trepidation that some may think his choice to be a bit too feminine, thus blowing his heterosexual façade

The young gay teenager begins to modify and practice the way he pronounces his “S’s”, making them a bit harsher, more masculine sounding, not as soft as his more effeminate counterpart

The young gay teenager modifies and practices the way he points, making sure that the palm faces down rather than up, the latter of which seems to come more naturally to him

The young gay teenager upon dressing up as a girl for Halloween, and unexpectedly turning some guys heads, causes within him elation and horror at the same time

Intimacy, Sexuality and Attraction

For the straight boy or girl feelings of attraction are reinforced and applauded by family, society, culture, and religion from the earliest age. For the gay boy and girl, even before they are fully aware of their same-gender feelings of attraction, they generally know that what they are feeling is not how things are “supposed to be”

Straight kids have no problems sharing with peers their crushes on a friend, a rock-star, or their favorite actor/actress… gay kids must hide it

The gay youth, having kissed the girls and not having understood why his male peers seem to think it “all the rage,” kisses another boy …and roman candles are set ablaze

The gay youth has a series of sexual encounters with another boy he loves, but he is terrified that he will be discovered by parents, and yet thrilled that his expression of affection and intimacy is mutual

The gay youth discovers that he feels no shame in that expression of love – this too, he does not understand if it is supposed to be so wrong – thus he begins to wonder if his conscience has been severed, making him incapable of a life worthy of being called a follower of Christ

College Days

The young gay man seeks help and counsel from a “trained mental health professional” at his conservative Christian college and is told he is a “likely candidate for basket case” – he decides at an early point in his college career not to return for more emotional abuse

The young gay man comes up with excuses as to why he does not date the girls – his studies, his relationship with God, his interest in someone back home …but they are just lies, and he feels shame for, but bound to, his fabrications

The young gay man, when he does try to date a young girl, ends up hurting that precious soul after a few weeks, yet is unable to explain to her why – more lies and excuses? You got it!

The young gay man once again forms close bonds with the objects of his desire (his best male friends), but is unable to express the deep affection, in turn leading him to despair and to depression

The young gay man tries to show his affection through actions like doing his best friends laundry, or cleaning his friends desk, or even giving a foot massage, but it always ends with the young gay man’s physical and emotional frustration

The young gay man takes to unhealthy behaviors, like spying on his best friend – even while in the shower – hoping to make some sort of emotional connection that he knows will ultimately not happen

Hetero-Marriage and Sex

The gay fiancé decides, devoid of passion and the intense affection associated with marriage, that it is best for himself, his family, his church, and society that he marry… all the while trying anxiously to convince himself that he has made the right decision, and yet never assured of that – he does not realize that his calculated decision has the potential to destroy lives, leaving much unwanted and unnecessary wreckage

Once married, after the “newness” has worn thin, the gay husband cannot inform his wife of the mental gymnastics he has to go through in order to perform sexually with her

The gay husband sometimes sits on the edge of the bed before sex, massaging himself, worried, and hoping that soon his erection will become firm enough to begin the sometimes dreaded act

The gay husband cannot tell his wife that he sometimes looks at gay porn to fuel his hetero-sex-life

The gay husband cannot tell his wife that certain feminine bodily odors turn him off

The gay husband must quickly fabricate an answer when asked during the sex act, “What are you thinking (fantasizing) about?” He can never tell his wife that it is not her – that it is not a “HER” at all

The gay husband is constantly afraid that his wife will notice him doing something he does not intend to do, but nevertheless of which he often catches himself in the act – watching the good-looking guys at the mall, or the supermarket

The gay man cannot explain to the wife’s satisfaction why his libido is not as strong as one might think for his age, so she looks for possible reasons – low testosterone? Side-effects from medications? All the while, he knows, but dares not disclose, that his sexual appetite is as strong as it could possibly be

Fatherhood

The gay father fears what his child will think of him if she finds out that much of the society in which she’s been raised considers her daddy to be a “fag”

The gay father fears what his child will pick up subconsciously, while the extended family is unaware of what they are inadvertently communicating about him by their body language, the things they say (or don’t say), by everything they do

Ticking Time Bomb / Do Not Shake – Contents Under Pressure

The gay man has a crisis experience in which everything that he has sought to repress, deny, beat down, hold at bay, forget about, overcome, pray away, and sublimate, comes rushing to the surface…like a sleeping volcano that suddenly comes to life – the gay man, while married to a dear friend, is thrust speedily back to his natural inclination/orientation simply because a handsome young man asks him to kiss him

The gay man, remembering the incredible exhilaration and passion, and yet the tender intimacy, of that kiss with another boy (as teenagers), and so completely exhausted from trying to suppress reality in favor of a false reality, cannot resist, knowing that once that closet door is opened it will more than likely never be closed again

X-Gay Life-style / Witch-Hunting Mentality

The gay man tries (in vain) to figure out why he is this way, which of life’s events could have caused such an atrocity because that is what the religious right touts; sexual molestation? But the gay man remembers everything from childhood; no memory is lost or blocked. Bad parenting? Both mother and father were loving, nurturing, and responsible parents. A broken relationship with a same-sex family member? But the gay man cannot justify this either as his same-sex attraction predates any such brokenness – the theories just do not stand up – Furthermore, the gay man discovers through extensive study that such theories were dismissed by the mainstream scientific/medical world over 40 years ago, and that the only groups that still follow such out-dated ideas are ultra-conservative religious groups that base their science on the Bible, a book that was never intended to be a science book, or a book on sexuality for that matter

The gay man begins to realize that a life-time of prayer, devotion to God, self-denial, self-deception, repression, and avoidance, has made no difference whatsoever with regard to his sexual orientation – he is still gay and will be so until the day he dies – if God Himself did not change him after so many years of endless pleading, why should he entertain the idea that an ex-gay ministry could? He then hears of the hundreds of thousands who have spent numerous years in, and thousands of dollars on, reparative therapy, and yet who have not changed anything accept their behavior, and even that is often suspect

The gay man begins to read for the first time in his life what the science actually says about sexual orientation in general; about homosexuality in particular – he is dumbfounded upon realizing that the religious right not only dismisses it, but attempts to bury the uncovered truths while shouting even louder its anti-gay rhetoric and spreading its fear and misinformation

The gay man reads about the shockingly large number of ex-gay ministry founders who now renounce their earlier claims, and have now come forward to apologize for the psychological harm they did to countless individuals from within those ministries

The gay man also reads about the untold scandals between the religious leaders (both ex-gay and straight) and people that his family trust and rely on for the “truth” that they proliferate, knowing, and yet unable to convince his family that they are being misled

The gay man does not understand why the majority of the population cannot see they discriminate when the use terms like “practicing homosexual” …no one has ever spoken the words “practicing heterosexual” because they realize that heterosexuality is not just about sex – why they cannot see that homosexuality is no different is beyond him

The gay man is now so exhausted with life in the closet, but he also fears what life must be like as a celibate, never knowing true love, passion, nor the depth of real intimacy; the gay man knows that neither condition would his straight counterpart ever dream of taking part in, and yet it is expected of the gay man

The gay man begins to read from sources that say he is “gay and ok” in God’s eyes – he finally begins to see a light at the end of the once endless closet – could it really be that God never intended for him to change into something he is not? Could it be that God never intended for His gay children to spend any amount of time in that dark hole? Some very intelligent gay and straight biblical scholars and theologians, as well as the majority of the scientific and medical authorities, people much smarter and far more studied than the gay man, seem to be saying so – is it really possible for the gay man to reconcile his faith and his sexuality?

The gay man, as he continues to study, begins to experience something he never dreamed was possible – hope and inner-peace

The gay man must now make the choice of a life-time – keep living a life of futility that is sure to put him in an early grave, or do the unthinkable – exit the closet for good, knowing that many of his friends and most of his family will think him hell-bound. What they do not realize is thathe was already there.

Mom,

I’m going to be forthright with you. You have asked me to be patient with you. I have done that, at least I’ve tried to very hard, but I need to ask you, “For what exactly am I being patient?” Am I being patient for you just to keep listening to the sources you rely on, not giving any consideration to any other voice? Am I being patient for you to remain in the position you’ve always held? Or am I being patient with you as you take an honest, truly open-minded look at what a quickly growing number of conservative (as well as liberal) biblical scholars are saying about faith and homosexuality?

Do you really believe that God wants His gay children to live as I have described above? God has given to every person the fundamental need for deep human intimacy. Science is clear as to the fact that sexual orientation is biologically fixed early in life and is immutable. Straight people are supposedly given God’s blessing to express and experience this fundamental, deeply-seated, God-given need, while gay people are told that we must change what cannot be changed, or remain celibate – never being able to express and experience that fundamental need for human intimacy – that which straight people take for granted.

Is this really a “God of love?” Or is this a picture of a cruel and sadistic God?

I don’t believe in that God anymore. Here is the picture of the loving God I believe in today:

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works and my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How vast is the sum of them! ~Psalm 139:13-17 (NASB)

I need to let you know that I am not planning to send anymore study materials, unless you ask me to do so, as I have grown increasingly wary of something that gives the impression of fruitlessness. I guess that what I am ultimately saying is that I need to move on.

If you would like to look at any of the materials that I have on the subject and that have helped inform my views on homosexuality and faith issues, I am providing a list of resources below. As I read more, I will add more, but here is a good amount of the works I have read to date:

The Good Book: Reading the Bible with Mind and Heart (Rev. Dr. Peter J. Gomes)

As I have mentioned to you before, I believe that one day the Church will view homosexuality differently. I believe that one day, just as the Church has done time and again, It will change yet again – this time Its position towards God’s gay and lesbian children. Furthermore, I believe that the Church will again find it necessary to issue a formal apology for sins committed (i.e. oppression, discrimination, defamation, etc.) against a percentage (be it ever so small) of the world’s population.

My hope and prayer in writing this, in trying to help you understand, is that you will be ahead of the Church. It may seem unthinkable to you now, but perhaps you would even become a member of the small, yet ever-growing, body of voices that will help guide It to Its certain and final, affirming position.

In any case, I will always love you and be grateful for a life-time of nurture and care.

Your child, and God’s,

Rick

Happy are those who find wisdom, and those who get understanding. ~Proverbs 3:13

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~French author Anaïs Nin