nothing in here is true

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

while she excused herself to powder her nose the dude next to me clinked my glass as we both watched her walk into the ladies room.

im going to jail tomorrow, he said.

oh yeah?

got popped with a beer between my legs this summer while driving and the bastids want $600.

judge said pay $600 or go to jail? iasked.

yep. i can do three days easy.

ever been in before?

yep, for two months.

ah, so yeah i guess three days will be nothing.

well, he said, its still gonna suck but heres my plan.

i ordered another baileys and a cosmo for my date.

he said, you can show up any time before 10pm and it will count as one day. but im gonna show up wasted and pop a few sleeping pills before i turn myself in. then im gonna sleep all day on the second day. then they let you out around 5pm on the third day, so really, thats the only hard one. that third day.

but its really just a half day, i said.

well, its a full day, i’ll probably wake up at 8am, eat the green sandwich, and bide my time till 5.

i debated whether one should buy a fella a beer after he tells you hes going to jail for dui, but i was at a bar, and he was drinking, and its Christmastime. so i said why not and got him a shot.

my date was taking her sweet time so i said, lemme ask you a question, why not raise $600 somehow?

he said, id have to pee in a cup for a month. no way would i pass that. and if i failed theyd throw me in jail anyways.

my date tapped my shoulder. she didnt want her cosmo. she wanted to get my fireplace going, it turned out. so i downed my baileys and offered her girlie drink to my bro