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Monday, October 25, 2010

The official funniest jokes of all time

London, Oct 22 (ANI): A team of researchers believe they have identified the 50 best one-liners.

Researchers scoured the web and examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 on which 36,000 people voted.

They include digs at wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners and risque jokes about religion, anorexia - and animal cruelty.

A quarter-century after his death comedy hero Tommy Cooper makes a strong showing in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay, Lee Evans and Canadian comic Stuart Francis.

Here at the ones that made the top 10:

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said, "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual," he replied.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

5. I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

3. Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

2. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner," The Daily Mail quoted a spokesman for www.OnePoll.com as saying.

"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more."

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