Quotes

Mike: Did you know the shape of the male sperm can actually determine its value?Molly: No, I thought they all came pretty much the same shape, like, uh, like Peeps.Mike: No, golly, no, some are better than others. The optimal sperm has an oval head, a slender midsection, and a tail that moves in a wavelike motion.Molly: Oh, I had an uncle like that. He was in the Ice Capades.

Molly: All right, another bottle of Chardonnay for the ladies and one fertility smoothie for the mommy-to-be.Joyce: Hand over the Chardonnay. No more kids for me.Molly: Yeah, it's a smoothie, Mom, not a time machine.

Mike: Oh, no, I'm not going to sit in a cold, sterile room with a plastic cup in one hand and an old porn magazine in the other.Samuel: Unless you have a third hand, you're going to be there a very long time.Carl: Plus, they've updated the porn. There's Asian, German, French. It's like going through It's a Small World, except all the puppets are humping each other.Mike: Hang on a second. You mean you've actually donated sperm?Carl: Hey, there are a lot of childless couples out there. It'd be a crime not to share this genetic treasure chest.Samuel: And they pay you to do that?Carl: 75 bucks a pop. That's how I paid for the snow tires on my Blazer.Samuel: Oh, my God. I'm sitting on a gold mine. And to think how much money has already slipped through my fingers.

Mike: So, are you worried or something? 'Cause you said getting pregnant could take up to a year.Molly: No, it can. I just wanted confirmation that I'm healthy and not sending your troops on a kamikaze mission.Mike: Cut the metaphors, let's talk like adults. Is there something wrong with my pee-pee?

Molly: My soil is ripe for the planting, Farmer Mike.Mike: Who are you talking to?Molly: My doctor. He got my test results.Mike: Oh, good, for a second there, I thought I was getting roped into doing yard work.

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