nothing in here is true

Saturday, July 9, 2005

spacelandjuly 8, 2005

tsar stood at the door of their private jet and waved at the screaming girls who lined up to welcome them back home from their trip to the UK and four hours later ripped silverlake a new one in a blistering 45 minute set as headliners on a friday night on their home court of spaceland and sent the sold out crowd into a frenzy that hasnt been seen since, well, since the last time tsar played spaceland.

except this one went to 11.

donning his heep sop-choi dodger jersey frontman jeff whalen led his quartet through a scorching set of material off their latest album band girls money playing one song after another barely taking even a beat for a rest. one song bled into the next because why stop the rock infact how can you stop the rock. it was a runaway train with no brakes. it was the spaceshuttle with too much nitrous. it was a stampede with too much postage. it was a rock slide of rock, and avalance of power. it was thunder from so far under that the devil himself knocked on the door and asked if they could keep it down and the crowd thought it was part of the show but it wasnt and even the smoke machine was smokin.

the cool kids of silverlake couldnt control themselves. the ladies danced and the men threw their hands up in the air like they just didnt care and the brothas did the rockaway. jeff and dan leaned back leaned back and gave us all a generous what for.

mania nearly broke out when during the encore the band did something that in years i hadnt heard and ive seen and heard everything. they played two songs off their debut album. calling all destroyers and i dont wanna break up, which was like pouring gasoline onto a fire. super unleaded. and friends it was like an alcohol fire. people were jumping around children were screaming and old ladies were fainting in the aisles. satan spit out his pbr ripped off his shirt and jumped on the stage and stage dived into the mosh pit and slapped at hands that tried to feel him up.

i seriously have not seen a greater reaction to five year old songs in all of my days of wearing tsar shirts.

why were the kids krazed? because when tsar gets locked in they dont look back. and as some have complained, on this last tour the boys have not reached back into their catologue of former hits, and they have never played two in a row because who knows what evil may lurk it you start splitting atoms like that.

there were reports of earthquakes, booty shakes, and locust but that was unfounded. what happened was rock rose from the dead and slayed the emo hipster stranglehold that has terrorized popular music oh these many years and tsar regained their throne and had a feast at the feet of the dead.

afterwards i bought a tshirt, i tore down a poster, i took a zillion pictures and i kissed a pretty girl who asked to be pinched to prove that she wasnt dreaming.

but yes virginia there is a santa claus and he gave you the gift of music in the middle of summer and all he asks in return is for you to show him your tits.

tsar now heads off to the east coast where they are #1 in syracuse new york, where they are #15 in buffalo and where they will play in front of tens of thousands of people during summer rock fests this month.

so east coasters, prepare for the dual guitar attack, the death of pussy ass bullshit and the return of rawk which the founding fathers set forth for your collective asses.