Wednesday, 12 July 2017

Every Time I Do Your Wife She Gives Me A Biscuit #DadDirt

You know that you are a Great British Dad when...
...you can't forget that you are just a man.

I’m in a restaurant with my Long-Suffering Wife (LSW).
Behind us is a loud clucky hen party at a table but it’s not a hen party.
Maybe it’s an NCT group.

WOMEN
Oooh look at you! You look gorgeous. I love your top!
Where did you get it? Have you lost weight? etc. etc. etc.

I look over to a table of men.
Table of pint glasses.
One of them is late.

MAN
So I found it then.

MEN
Wheeyheyyy! It moves!
Look at you yafatbastard!

MAN
I know. Every time I do your wife she gives me a biscuit!

I crumple.

ME
That’s beautiful.

LSW
He did, didn’t he. He just said that he is having an affair with his wife.

ME
Not only that. But while he is there - not in a loving capacity, but more of a functional one.

LSW
Probably due to his neglect--

ME
Right, not only is he doing the job the husband is meant to be doing. He’s also eating the man’s biscuits. He’s using up the husband’s own resources while he is there, performing the function the husband is failing at.

LSW
And he’s not even enjoying the biscuits.

ME
Yes. He is given them. And achieving all of this with the downsides of having a greater body mass. What a vignette.