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Sunday, March 6, 2011

Strange Matter - RVA

Ah, yes, Richmond, Virginia, "The Butt Hole of Virginia", "The Capital of the Confederacy". There was a time in my life where I referred to Richmond as the "shitty version of Philadelphia", but that experience was based on a situation that involved me sleeping on the shittiest floor on the planet for a month because I was jump off a bridge depressed about a girl back in Charlottesville. Oh that, and because all I ate was microwaved eggs and the Baja Bean didn't wanna hire me because I "sounded like a pussy". But It's totally not shitty! For one thing, in 2004, Philly was rated the 6th most dangerous city in the country, whereas Richmond was way safer at 9th! It's also easier to fit in! All you need to do is love the shit out of metal, where black, have tats & piercings, and eat at 7-11 at least TWICE a day. Vice has lots of nice things to say about Richmond, and I'm preeeeeetty sure those dudes are never wrong.

One of the coolest parts about Richmond(aside from the fact you're pretty much walking around in Suicidegirls.com) is a bad ass restaurant/venue/arcade called Strange Matter. This place is pretty crucial for touring bands, not only because the food is absolutely delicious, but because there's a full arcade in this jam piece! When you're on the road, sometimes you end up at the venue early and have to sit around doing nothing(unless you have an offensive fod blog)for hours, but this place doesn't "joy-stick penis"* you at all. Motherfuckers' got Paperboy, Marvel Vs. Capcom, and even MOTHERFUCKING ALTERED BEAST. If you're a male 20something, there's no way in hell you didn't waste hours of your life on that game.

Oh! It looks like B-rock and Deaner are gonna squeeze in a round of Aliens Vs. Predator before a few rounds of Who's in B-rock's Mouth! C'mon, you two, there are ladies here. And by ladies, I mean the smooooking fine bartender. I think she might have been flirting with me? Or was it one of those "srsly dude, she's just being nice to you. Now go home and beat off into a sock." Either way, she was a sweetheart. Great Service! FOOD!

So my new year's resolution this year was too start eating meat again! I figured since I work out like a fucking professional athlete that I'd start eating whatever the hell I want. That, and I just look too cool when I smoke to quit. So although SM's menu has a kind-of focus on vegetarian and vegan stuff, I decided to go with a not so little dude called "The Pilgrim's Progress". Turkey. Stuffing. Gravy. Cranberry Sauce. On a god damn hoagie roll. How the fuck do you think it tasted!? If my taste buds had dicks, they would've all just gotten sucked off. For my side, I went with fruit salad, and they get bonus points for having mango in that shit. That should become a new standard. Not pictured are the french fries, which are hand cut 8.9 BNM french fries. Well done, dudes!

For dessert, I had a(by "a", I mean 5) "Hatchet Man(men)". Which is vodka, and orange-pineapple Faygo(the Juggalo soda). It was a Miracle! Speaking of hatchets, the other day I heard some dude refer to a vagina as a "hatchet wound". How rude is that shit?

So bands: you get a free pitcher of PBR, half off on the food, unlimited Paperboy, and the sound there is pretty awesome. Pair that with a bunch of girls who's hero is probably Sasha Grey, then I'd file this destination under "MUST".

Strange Matter is located at 929 West Grace St in the Fan discrict of Richmond, about an hour from Charlottesville, where one time this chick dragged me into one of my buddys' kitchen and molested the crap out of me, and then later I found out she had a boyfriend who worked at a diner in... Richmond. dun Dun DUUUN!!!

*Joy-stick Penis: v. to grab a boner, and wiggle it around like a joy-stick, instead of like, you know, stroking it. You know, like you're supposed to.

Also, dude, you seem to find new and unbelievable ways to offend! Fuck. I keep thinking I can't really be offended and then you completely astound me. Really, I'm not easily offended, really, but I can't imagine what other people -- FOR INSTANCE MY DAD, WHO READS THIS BLOG -- must think. WTF.

Oh, and due credit for 'Joystick Penis' belongs to Senor Tavo Carbone, the one and only badass crazyman.

Good dappage on the joystick penis, jakers. I wonder just as muchas you do what people think, although considering the enormous logo on top, i would hope they at least have some sort if idea if what they are getting into