A Jewish Woman's Journey Through Infertility

My Heart is Broken….

My heart is broken into a million pieces four days before Rosh HaShana. Shabbos morning went to shul to daven because this is the last Shabbos of 5770. I davened with a lot of kavana and felt very close to Hashem. Despite the strollers and recurrent pain, I was in a better frame of mind. I talked to a few people, and then a friend who is around my age comes to me and says that she is pregnant and it was unexpected. Baruch Hashem I said that I was happy for her. Baruch Hashem that I meant it. She told me she was davening for me and I said thanks, that just this past summer I lost 3 embryos….. The conversation continued for a little bit. When she left to talk to someone else, I turned to my husband who was talking to my friend’s husband. He asked my husband if he heard the news. I didn’t hear the rest of the conversation because the color had left my face and my strength was slowly ebbing away, and I had to rush out the door. The weather was gorgeous and I was relatively alone. I did not care if someone would see me. I started to cry. Looking at the blue sky, I spoke to Hashem. I cannot remember what I said to Him. I only remember feeling so left out. I felt that perhaps Hashem did not bless me with a pregnancy because of my bad middos. My husband and another friend told me that I do not have bad middos, and that I am sad because I too want to be pregnant.

My husband was sad too. He felt weak and depressed. Our last Shabbos in 5770 ended in sadness and tears. I quoted one of the lines from Tehillim to my husband, “Weeping may endure for a night but joy is coming in the morning…” Another line I quoted, ‘You will sow in tears and reap in joy.”

Hashem please help me to learn what I supposed to learn. If You think that I am not ready for the ultimate bracha, please help me be ready.

I would give anything to have an unexpected pregnancy. And you know, it is all up to Hashem. I cried. I ate some ice cream. I polished off a bar of chocolate (thank God I did not eat meat on Shabbos), I said Tehillim, and I talked to Hashem. I am soo afraid, what if I never get pregnant. But you know, it is not up to me. I pray for Hashem’s mercy and that it is His will that I have a child, if not twins. Please Hashem You are in the field. Please do not forget little Rivky.