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Monday, 16 December 2013

Megan's Monthly Meaty Treat

"So she was a ride yeah?"

"By jaesus man, yous wouldn't know the fucken half of it! Even though I was here, in the horrors afterwords, and feeling like there's a fucken bag of cats in my head, I was there, big smile on me, those puppies, when they come out, Hanukkah and Christmas rolled into one."

"Shit man!"

"Aye. But tells you what, it got pretty dark when I got up and started walking around, shes asleep in the bed, fucked her good, get my head cleared up like. She tells me like she's in fucking estate or something, so you know this fucking one has got it, wants it, begs for it."

"..."

"So as I was saying, I decide to get something to wake me up, head on down to the kitchen there..."

"Yeah.."

"And you know, steart rooting around in the fridge, says I'll just nick one of her cans of fizzy to get my brain working again and fuck, she's got de laptop on the table."

"So like, this lassie has fucking left the computer on?"

...

"Aww man, you didn't.."

"..."

"Had to man! All part of the game!"

"..."

"So I took a look around, to see if this beure was slinking round, shitting it, hit fucken knacker gold here, any chance I'd be caught and my heads hammers man...would be in deep shite."

"..."

"And uh, I sit down in front of the computer, in my jocks with de can of fizzy, and I start playing around with it. She's logged into facebook, and I go clicking round..."

"..."

"..."

"What?"

"..."

"So I'm there, looking through her Facebook and looking at her tagged photos. And I bring up this photo album, Autumn 2013."

"..."

"Turns out this one, this fucking cunt, just got married two months ago."

"And she's riding you?"

"So, I'm there looking through all the pictures, her smiling with the wedding dress on, and this wimpy, Indian fucker is in all of them pictures, whats...what's that cunts name from the Big Bang Theory?"

"..."

"I forget"

"Well, yeah, anyway. So I'm looking through all these pictures, all these smiley things with the girls and the dresses and the family and turns out this guy is working in pharmaceutical stuff. Ah christ, yous will laugh at this."

"What?

"Fucken viagra."

"Jaesus. You're bullshitting."

"..."

"And yous know me Franco, I'm the worst cunt on the planet, so I have to know more and more, a quest for the women. So I start looking through the internet history, and there's all this fucken porn man. Like, fuck me, this one is Hugh Hefner levels of porn. And it's all the same kind of porn, fucking women being dominated by black men!"

"So I'm going through her emails right, and there's this one called Vanessa, fit as fuck looking English black hair, nice face, and she's sending messages back and forth with this girl. Enjoy your night! Hope you bring home a nice fella dear! Did you enjoy that lingerie I bought you?"

"..."

"I tell ya man, I'm 29 years old, and all my friend's girlfriends are cunts. I see this Facebook stuff and I just want to go, aaaahh, fuck this shit! Fucking Indian lad working in Pharmacy and she's dreaming of being pounded by black guys. Like your story with the wank in the car! Some of them lassies, yous have to have the head screwed on!"

"What did yous do then?"

"Went back upstairs, fucked her, gave her a fake phone number and went on my way."

"What else can you do ken?"

"Exactly. That's the question here. Who is the real monster here? There is one thing though!"

...

"So I found the Indian's facebook, and I was there, had typed up a response, "your woman is a slut, get out while you can, blah blah di fucking blah"

"Wow. Yous send it?"

"Nope. No fucking way man. This guy made his bed, and now he can lie in it. Fuck him, and fuck his viagra."