I want to die

I am so miserable. I have had depression/suicidal thoughts/social anxiety for about 11 years now. Sometimes I am happy, but when I am depressed I am so down. I usually am this way when I am around other people. I feel so inferior to everyone. It seems like everyone has such an easy time talking to others.

If someone ignores me I get so down on myself and want to cry. I also have a brother that I feel inferior to. Everyone talks so much about what a great guy he is and how wonderful he is. He has always been smarter and easier with others than I am. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it because I feel like he might judge me and he wouldn't understand anyway. I have to be the fat, ugly, stupid one of the family. The one brother I was confortable around died almost 6 years ago.

I am on Abilify, Xanax, and Cymbalta. I have been seeing a counselor for about 3 years and a psychiatrist for about 2 years. I have told them how I feel. My councelor suggested me going into a hospital for a while. My psychiatrist thinks that if I went to my best friends house for a while I would feel better. Her husband and I would drive each other crazy.

I would like to commit suicide, but I can't decide how to do it. I want the pain to stop. I would leave behind my wonderful mom and that tears me up inside. I also have a neice and nephews that I worry about leaving, but sometimes they aren't enough for me to stay alive for. Thanks for reading.