So for those who are not familiar with my life, I work as a high school and college soccer/football (whatever you like to call it) referee. I have done it for years, it is good money, I love the job, and it is a good way to keep in shape. I have been a fan of football/soccer for just as long. I love the European Leagues as well as MLS, where my favorite club, DC United plays. It is a fun sport and I thoroughly enjoy watching it and officiating it. As most of you probably know, the international ruling party of football/soccer is called FIFA or Federation Internationale de Football Association (forgive the lack of accent marks). Most of you will also know that FIFA is probably the most corrupt institution on this entire earth. The organization is filled with shysters, con men, and despicably corrupt white-collar criminals from around the world. What is even worse, it is one of the few organizations that openly flaunts how corrupt it is by constantly selling their bids to the highest bidder. Just recently, the United States and Switzerland opened a case that brought many of these guys on corruption charges and hopefully clean out the organization of all the despicable lowlifes which includes the King of Corruption and all things Bullshit, Sepp Blatter who will hopefully resign or get booted from office as soon as they arrest his withered and wrinkly ass.

But what does all of this have to do with today’s subject? Well I’m glad you asked. You see, these corrupt officials have a lot of money they can throw around and they are some egotistical little shits so they decided to funnel approximately $31 Million dollars into making a movie about the creation of FIFA, through their own warped sense of self-indulgence. So today we are going to look at the by-product of what happens when corrupt, white-collar criminals have the money and the means to indulge in their depraved fantasies, United Passions.

This movie has already gotten off to a historical start. Panned by critics upon its release, the film has grossed a grand total of $918 in the United States and just over $178,000 worldwide, making it one of the most colossal failures in the history of cinema. But the question remains, sure the movie is a bomb, BUT is the movie actually okay? Many movies bomb, but in time find their audience… Could this movie be the same? OF COURSE NOT! THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHIT! Oh my god, is it bad! I have never seen a group of people more eager to stroke their own egos while simultaneously rewriting history to suit their interests. My word, this is some total bullshit on the highest order and I had the misfortune of finding it on the internet so I could sit through it, just to reaffirm to all of my readers that, YES, this movie is indeed shit!

United Passions tells the story of the creation of FIFA, through the sick, and twisted vision of Sepp Bellend Blatter who is played in this movie by hunky silver fox, Tim Roth… Who looks absolutely nothing like Blatter now, previously, and always. It details three of FIFA’s Presidents Jules Rimet (Gerard Depardieu), Joao Havelange (Sam Neill), and Sepp Blatter (Tim Roth) as they ran the federation throughout the years and the creation of the World Cup. Of course there were plenty of other presidents who also contributed to the creation of FIFA, but we really don’t need to talk about them unless you are paying lip service to Robert Guerin (Serge Hazanavicius), the first President of FIFA, or Stanley Tous (Martin Jarvis) in order to insult him. So let’s get this shit over with and review United Passions.

Historical Revisionism, Thy Name is FIFA

I love how this movie just loves to stroke FIFA’s ego when it comes to the past while glossing over all of that corruption and nasty bits. They try to stroke the egos of Presidents like Jules Rimet, who, yes, did organize the first FIFA World Cup. But at the same time, paints it like he is some sort of visionary who fights against all the odds to get a tournament going that everyone else thinks is lunacy.

They also paint England and English people in a VERY nasty light. You might be asking, why is it that the English are portrayed as being racist, ignorant, and all around bullheaded as well as putting down 6th FIFA President, Stanley Rous who was President of FIFA for thirteen years and not even mentioning the 5th President, Arthur Drewry… Well it is because England has always been a staunch opponent to Sepp Blatter’s regime… Who also did most of the funding for this movie.

They try to paint themselves as paragons of virtue, who stood against the EVIL Fascist regimes of Mussolini’s Italy and Nazi Germany while portraying the Italian and German members of FIFA at the time as sleazy slimeballs. NOW, before we go further, yes Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy are evil. Not what I am saying and they are pretty easy marks when it comes to being parodied in movies. But FIFA showed little, to no sign of bashing the Italians or Germans during these regimes to any such extent and only did so after the war had begun. But nice way to rewrite history to show that FIFA always hated those dirty Italians and Germans… Who also make up some of the most favored soccer supporters today. So congrats, you have pissed off the English, Italians, and Germans in one movie… Once again who was this movie made for? Oh, Sepp Blatter… Got it.

FIFA is also painted as this paragon for peace who gives all they can to the poor African children, is attempting to bring peace to Fascist dictatorships in Argentina, and that Sepp Blatter is the true humanitarian who gives all that he can for the people underneath. All of which are complete bullshit or if it is not complete bullshit, it is played up to the point that it is complete bullshit.

Nothing like rewriting history to suit your interest.

Boring Beyond Belief and About a Subject Nobody Cares About

Show of hands, who out there wants to watch the creation of a sporting organization? Nobody? Not a single hand? Excellent, now I know I’m not insane and live in a world of rational people. Nobody wants to see this, nobody cares about this, and if we did care about it, you could at least make the movie more appealing to watch. Granted, if made correctly, anything can be a movie. But not this way! FIFA’s creation and run throughout the years is not a compelling story. It is not interesting, we are watching 110 minutes of bureaucracy on-screen and nothing more than that!

There is very little actual football in this movie and instead focuses on the guys in suits in the stands who are all wealthy, going to lavish parties, and really do not have much conflict except how to make more money off of a sport. There are scenes between Blatter and Havelange that go on for hours of the two just talking about sports sponsorships and interesting shit going on around them. WE DO NOT CARE! This is easily some of the most boring 110 minutes of my life. Watching paint dry is a better use of your time than watching United Passions!

Self Indulgent Wank Material

Bottom line, this movie is nothing more than Sepp Blatter’s self-indulgent fantasy played out on the big screen. This could almost be a psychological study of how a person with narcissism sees the world through their eyes. If that is the point of this movie, it is damn near brilliant.

This movie takes a corrupt white-collar criminal, like Sepp Blatter, and paints him as this martyr of the people who gives all of the money out of his pocket in order to ensure the people around him are paid, happy, and that the starving children in Africa (No, LITERALLY the starving children in Africa) have delicious Coca-Cola products and Adidas clothing to wear.

Listen, I’m sure Sepp Blatter did do some of this during his time in FIFA. I’m sure, he did some decent things… BUT have just a little bit of humility instead of shoving all your ‘accomplishments’ down our throats to the point that we choke on your own fucking smug!

Conclusion

This movie is pure propaganda fuel at its most sleazy. It attempts to pander to the hearts of football/soccer fans by saying ‘See?! Look at all the good we have done! We aren’t corrupt! You are just ungrateful!’ and come across as subtle as a sledgehammer to the head.

Even from a cinematic standpoint, this movie is terrible. It is paced terribly, it is incredibly boring, and the acting is horrendous from excellent actors that I wish had the ability to turn down a paycheck instead of starring in this piece of shit FIFA Corrupt Politician Fan Service. This movie is terrible and I recommend everyone stay away. You won’t even get ‘it is so bad, it is good’ enjoyment out of this. It is just plain terrible.

Final Score: 0/5

Thank you for reading and as always, if you enjoyed this review, please like, and subscribe for more. I’m going to go watch a good movie to wash the filth off of my brain.