Krystal and Amanda had arrived at Coleman Park appropriately attired for the evening. Their previously decided-upon costumes seemed much sexier in person than when Roger was helping them choose outfits at Wal-Mart. Being the edgy person that he was, he had politely declined their offer of buying a disguise for him. He had never celebrated the holiday, and instead purchased a t-shirt that furthered his rebelliousness with bright yellow text that read, 'I don't do costumes.'

His head down and his hands in his pockets, he paced himself up the paved hill that lead to the local, haunted legend. Krystal swung her faux tail playfully and adjusted the large black ears that wouldn't stay in her curly hair despite the obscene amounts of hairspray she had employed. Amanda clicked her heels across the ground. She sprinted in front of Roger and slowed to a smooth strut seemingly for his benefit.

He smiled crookedly, admiring the sway of her hips and the curve of her backside that was nicely accented by her black, spandex jumpsuit. He sighed admiringly, grateful that they had worn the fishnet stockings he had picked out for them.

"Probably?!" Krystal's high-pitched squeal jolted Roger from his explicit fantasies. She sped in front of him and began to walk backwards, clumsily tripping in her high heels. "I thought the doctor was dead! I don't want to go to his house if he could still be inside!"

Amanda laughed, her low chuckles mocked Krystal's idiocy and tempted Roger's loins. Where Amanda was certainly the intelligent, smoldering temptress of the two (and Roger's top choice), he couldn't deny Krystal her adorable, blonde moments.

"The fire department hosts the haunted house at the doc's every year. If Doctor Rippner was still alive, don't you think he would have told us to 'get the fuck out' by now?" Amanda's pace slowed and she flipped her head to indulge their conversation.

"I heard," she began, as if she were telling a ghost story, "that the doctor went missing after his daughter disappeared. I heard he killed her and then left the house… with her body somewhere inside."

Krystal screamed jokingly. She ran to her friend and linked arms as they finally crossed the top of the hill. Roger joined them as the two girls gaped at the fire department's Halloween display that year. In the seventeen year-old boy's mind, it wasn't anything special.

The same as every Halloween, the volunteer firefighters had covered the abandoned, two-story house with caution tape and paper ghosts. There was blood on the pavement and all of the windows were boarded up. Strobe lights and the sirens from the fire trucks flashed to catch the attention of passing trick-or-treaters. It had grown late, however; and Roger was sure that the haunted house was closed. There were no monsters or superheroes going in or coming out of the doctor's old home.

Still, the girls certainly had a way of getting what they wanted.

"I told you it would be closed," Roger taunted as he began to turn back to the park. Even though it was late, he had hoped to come out of the night with something more than just candy. Amanda grabbed his arm and grinned devilishly. He couldn't help but swoon.

"Come on, Roger. Maybe we can scare those bastards for a change." Roger swooped her up and bellowed mockingly, "I don't think those guys will be scared by a couple of pussies like you girls."

Amanda forced him off and Krystal gagged obnoxiously. Of course, Roger knew the real reason Amanda wanted to go inside. "You think Billy's still in there, don't you?" Amanda cringed at the sound of her ex's name. She shrugged away the jeer and caressed Roger's cheekbone temptingly, leading him down the hill on the tip of her finger.

"Help me scare the shit out of him, Roger… and I'll show you what this pussy can do." She meowed seductively and almost let Roger fall on his face when he tried to kiss her. Krystal complained loudly at Amanda's behavior, but Roger was already convinced. He took Amanda by the arm and ran towards his one ticket to losing his virginity.

As the two girls clopped down the hill behind him, Roger motioned for them to take off their shoes. Krystal was hesitant, but eventually the two managed to unbuckle their heels and place them in the grass next to the front door that had been boarded up long ago. A large sign was hung from the door mantle, "ENTER, IF YOU DARE." Roger turned just enough for the girls to see his rolling eyes.

As Roger slowly opened the door, he was met with what he expected to see every year. The house was in darkness with a few gritty light-bulbs to guide the way. Cheap strobe lights flashed and waned, shooting different colors throughout the house. Just as they stepped inside they were met by a large animatronic zombie who leaned in to touch them and laugh maniacally. Roger had to motion for Krystal to stay quiet as she released an exaggerated yelp.

In the last couple of years the firemen had really outdone themselves. They built walls around certain rooms with glass windows to see inside. They would stage scenes of horror using themselves in costumes or even more animated dummies who would react to the visitors passing by. Roger remained crouched as he approached the first window, with the two kittens following his lead.

There was a dim light coming from inside, and he slowly peered above the sill to take a look. In what was once the living room, the haunted house hosts had laid out several hospital beds with open bodies atop them. They each had their own methane drip and there was a single table with bloodied scalpels and tongs in the center of them.

Roger recognized a few of the frozen faces and admitted to himself, "Wow, they did a really great job this year." As Amanda and Krystal neared the window, Roger shook his head hinting that Billy was not in the room. Suddenly there was a loud whirring noise drifting from upstairs.

Although Roger found himself genuinely scared, he assumed that the entire house was still functioning, including its actors. He looked back to find Amanda close behind him with a determined look on her face. Krystal was clinging to her hand, trembling uncontrollably. For a brief moment Roger imagined the feeling of Amanda's warm breast cupped in his palm and began to lurk up the stairs with renewed resolve.

As they neared the second floor the whirring sound had grown deafening and had been coupled by the bellowing of unheeded screams. Roger hesitated just before the oncoming window that was once Doctor Rippner's study. He swallowed the large lump in his throat and progressed a bit more hesitantly than before.

Roger crouched just below the window where the screams had become resounding and a bright light filtered through and spilled into the hallway. He motioned for Amanda and Krystal to stay back, afraid that Krystal's uncontrollable urge to squeal would give them away. Slowly he managed to peer over the window's ominous edge.

Roger had to stifle his own urge to scream. Standing with his back to the window pane was a man dressed in a white lab coat with a paper cap, face mask, and latex gloves. Beneath his hands was a naked body covered in blood and his chest partially open. The whirring sound they had heard before was the electric saw that the doctor was using to slice into the screaming patient. Roger was certainly impressed. The best part was, he recognized the body on the table.

He motioned for Amanda to come take a look for herself. At first her expression was horrified and slightly disgusted, but when she realized the actor on the table was Billy, she smiled. Krystal crept closer, and despite Roger's motions to the contrary, she took a look for herself.

Her imminent yelp caused the whirring of the saw to stop. Suddenly the doctor was looking through the window. His eyes squinted as if he couldn't see through the dark glass. Amanda and Roger immediately ducked. They held their breath, trying to appear as if they were stifling their laughter when secretly they were terrified of the possibilities. After what seemed like an eternity passed and the whirring never continued, Roger looked into the room again.

The doctor was gone and all that was left was the sleeping form of Billy's bloody corpse with a small paper towel to cover his 'open' wound. Roger glanced back at his followers and noticed a closed door just behind Krystal. Finally, he saw his opportunity.

"Okay," he whispered almost inaudibly, "we'll go in, pick up one of those fake knives, and pretend to stab him. That's sure to scare him shitless." Amanda nodded excitedly but Krystal's face was more than tentative. Roger pushed the girls aside and leaned in to whisper in Krystal's ear before opening the door behind her. "You don't have to go in." She nodded gratefully and pressed herself against the wall so that he and Amanda could pass into the well-lit study.

Once inside, Roger crept along the ground ignoring the surrounding furniture and bookshelves. The house had been completely empty for years and the barren shelves were just a reminder of the studious mind that once lived there. He and Amanda made it next to the operating table without a single sound to cause suspicion. Their diabolical plan was going to work.

Amanda slowly reached up and grabbed one of the bloody props that was strewn across the doctor's operating stand. Almost instantaneously she was on her feet, pretending to stab it into Billy's chest. She released a rehearsed, maniacal scream and waited for the rubber blade to ricochet off his sleeping form. The sensation of the knife ricocheting did not feel as she expected, however; it was more like a 'plunge'. Suddenly, Billy started screaming.

Roger was on his feet as Amanda backed away from the table, horrified. Billy was staring at the blade in his chest that was still standing on end, buried to the hilt. There was blood spewing from his mouth and Amanda's screams replaced his gurgled pleas for help. Roger stared blankly, not comprehending why the firemen would have real knives. Without thinking, he removed the paper towel covering where the doctor had been working.

The teenagers were met with exposed organs, pools of blood, and splitting skin. The pulsating body tissue before them was very real and a knife to Billy's heart had become a merciful act. With every bit of strength the fireman had left, he turned his head and seemingly stared at something behind them.

Roger and Amanda turned impulsively. Krystal's body was being rammed against the window. Her face was motionless and her eyes were wide and empty. Blood poured from her mouth and soaked into the front of her spandex costume. Slowly her body slid across the glass and revealed the shadowy silhouette of the doctor standing behind her with a glistening scalpel in hand.

With horrifying reflexes, the doctor disappeared and began to jiggle the door handle that Roger had used to enter the room. Amanda and Roger glanced around, frantically searching for the door that the doctor must have exited from. Finally Roger spotted it just behind a crumbling book shelf. He grabbed Amanda's hand just as their pursuer managed to open the door and ran for their only salvation.

He twisted the knob and threw Amanda inside just before he turned and locked the door behind him. Roger breathed heavily, repeatedly shuddering every time the doctor threw his weight against the door. Amanda whispered from behind him, "Roger…"

He turned and immediately released an irrepressible scream. A young woman was laying atop a bed covered in a thick quilt infused with designs of daisies and ladybugs. She was extremely pale, and her eyes fluttered slightly as if she were suffering from a nightmare worse than their's. Wires led from under the blankets and were plugged into monitors and a standard methane drip.

As Roger neared her sleeping form, the young woman's eyes suddenly opened. Roger fell to the ground, squealing as the door behind them finally broke under the doctor's weight and splintered across the floor. Amanda turned abruptly; she screamed as the doctor drove the scalpel deep through her mouth and into her skull. As her gurgling finally stopped, he jerked his blade from her throat which released a sickening 'crack'.

Unfortunately, Roger had now earned the doctor's full attention. As he drew closer, Roger pressed his feet against the floor and attempted to thrust himself back. He hit his head against the soft mattress of the girl's bed and knew there was no escape. He whimpered fearfully, desperately fighting for time.

"Y-y-you're Dr. Rippner!" He sputtered through trembling lips. The doctor nodded, and squatted to Roger's level. He lowered his mask and his charming smile spread across his face from ear to ear. His teeth were perfectly white and his voice was mellow and completely calm.

"Indeed, young man. And you could be the organ donor that saves my daughter's life."

Suddenly crazed, the doctor launched himself at Roger and pressed his gloved hands against his neck. Roger struggled under his grasp, his lack of oxygen progressively effecting his vision. As everything slowly began to blur and the sensation of his heart beating started to fade, Roger no longer noticed the hysterical expression in Doctor Rippner's vehement eyes.

As a small hand grasped his fingers with what little strength it had, Roger noticed that the girl had turned on her side to stare at him regretfully. She gripped her soft fingers in his as his body began to weaken. Soon all sound faded and he no longer felt the unbearable pressure against his throat.

All he could see was the doctor's daughter and how her bright blue eyes seemed to plead,

Were you pleasantly shocked by the ending? Was the story too cliche, or did you find it refreshing? How believable were the characters? And did you pity them or love-to-hate them? How was the overall story-telling? Did you sense a voice or just a hack?

Alright, to begin, this has got to be one of the most well written stories I've seen on Deviant Art in awhile. It was structured nicely and it was easy to read and understand. Each character's personalities were made noticeable, and their actions seemed justified to that.

Though it was very predictable, it still gave out a "Happy Halloween" vibe which I believe is exactly what you were going for. It wasn't too gruesome that it makes the reader sick, yet it had enough of that horror bloodiness that keeps fright fans interested.

Personally, I believe the ending (where the daughter turned to him and spoke "I never wanted this") was a perfect way to end it. It somewhat mirrors Roger's thoughts as well, since his desires of how the night played out didn't work out as planned either. *side note, he's a little pig.* XD

In all, it was a great story. It flowed well and I believe just the feel this one brings out will have people wanting to see more of your work. So good job ^-^ I hope to see more from you in the future.

I've got to start off by saying I can see why this won first place in the contest you entered it in! You have a very smooth writing style that really keeps the reader engaged. I kept wanting to read the whole time and find out what was going to happen-- very suspenseful! Your diction is spot on and your overall voice really brings the characters and setting to life. I honestly don't think there was any point that I had to stop and re-read anything. It flowed smoothly and was suspenseful and engaging.

I think the only things that really stood out a little to me when reading was the adverbs here and there. There seemed to be a few adverbs that could be cut from some sentences and make the line essentially the same, just shorter and less "cluttered", for lack of a better word. I think the adverbs were what really stood out to me, mainly because I've been trained so long to eliminate adverbs and be wary of them, so every time I see one, I make a mental note. For an exercise for yourself, perhaps make a separate copy of this piece and highlight all the adverbs and take them out when you read it over. See if the sentences sound any better with some removed or not. Adverbs aren't a bad things, but too many can sometimes weigh down your writing. Give it a go! You never know.

Some parts of this also seemed a little "animated" with the characters' actions (particularly Roger and Amanda in the beginning). I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing, as I liked it in this situation since it seemed like it wanted to poke fun at that sort of horror stereotype that a lot of films use today, and then strike with the ending (which I'll get to in here soon!). If anything, I'd just make a note to mention to be aware of the somewhat awkward actions and animated/cartoony feel that some of them give off. If it was intentional, well done, and if not, just be careful of them. They can work sometimes, but other times may not be as strong and make the work appear "corny". In this particular story, however, I think that it worked for fitting the horror stereotype.

I think what I loved the most about this piece, however, is the fact that it seemed almost "cliche" and predictable at the start. The reader already pretty much knows that the doctor is going to still be in the house and be out to murder everyone in there. They go in with the expectation that it's all going to follow suit like many other works like this, with the friends struggling to survive and escape. Even up to the point with Billy, the reader is able to predict that it wasn't staged and that he really was cut open and his organs being removed. That's what made the ending so powerful, though. The reader expects everything to go as planned in most other horror genre stories, but is thrown when they realise that the girl at the end is the doctor's daughter and that she isn't dead but in need of organs from other people. It throws the reader through a loop and leaves them taken back at the end-- in a good way! I have to applaud you for that for sure. I loved the ending and it was well deserved.

If anything, the only thing I would mention about the ending (or leading up to it), however, would be the scene when the doctor is starting to break back into the room that Amanda and Roger are in with Billy. It seemed that things started to get a little rushed at that point, like the end was trying to be pushed quickly. I'd suggest maybe going back in and slowing that part down a tad. Show Roger struggling to find the door that the doctor left through (since in one sentence he starts looking and the following he finds it). Really bring out the panic that he and Amanda feel as Dr. Rippner is trying to break in.

There was a bit of telling instead of showing I think with the emotions here. Not all the time, but every once in a while. I think the fear was one of them. Really build up their emotions and show how terrified they are for their lives. Get the reader to feel that same intense fear and make them feel like they are in Roger and Amanda's shoes and fighting for life. I think that it will help with the pacing issue towards the end and really bring out the characters more and get the reader more invested in the emotion.

Overall, this was a very well written piece, however! You definitely deserved winning the contest that it was entered in and I think you have a great first draft. I'd suggest going in and trying the adverb exercise and working more on the characters' emotions and I think you can really pull this piece out to its full potential. (Mr. Creepypasta on Youtube should definitely read this piece, as well for next Halloween. It would be perfect!)

Great start, very well written, I'd say just tighten a few small things up and you've got a polished piece. Well done!

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.

You're very welcome! The prize donators should contact you.. but if they haven't already I don't suppose there is any harm in contacting them. Sometimes they forget.. or may not be online often at certain times of the year.

i actually found this story difficult to critique because i didn't have much to say about it, constructively. as i stated in my previous comment, i can tell that you have taken my critiques to heart, and that you really have a talent for applying previously given advice onto your writing, which is the sign of a growing writer who will amount to greatness x) this story may not have been within a genre i usually enjoy (it was a bit campy and i mean that in the most loving way possible) but it was just so entertaining. from the first hook, i was laughing, but that soon turned into well-written suspense.

that being said, there are a few things i am going to nitpick. one, i feel like you overuse bolded words. really, anywhere you've bolded a word, it could have just as easily been italicized or better yet, left to speak for itself. i know you're trying to create emphasis, but the sign of a really writer is someone who doesn't need those gimmicks to create emphasis. in your case, if you ever feel a word doesn't have the emphasis you'd like, try manipulating the sentence structure so the other words draw attention to it. this can be done by rearranging syntax so the word falls at the beginning or end of the sentence, or even in a glorified middle. same goes for your use of words like this. i should be able to tell your character is whispering without those tricks.

Once inside, Roger crept along the ground[,] ignoring the surrounding furniture and bookshelves. ---there needs to be a comma after "ground," and i noticed you make that particular grammatical mistake a few times. whenever you change tense midsentence, there needs to be a comma because you're tacking on another clause.

finally, you are still leaning just a bit too heavily on adverbs. i know they're tempting, but every time you use an adverb, stop and think: what am i trying to portray? is there a better way to say it? is there a more original way to say it? is there a way to say it that better pertains to this specific character and situation? adverbs are very generalizing when used to create a tone, and you have to watch out for that.

overall, though, this is one of my favorites i've read of yours x) keep it up.

As for your comments and suggestions about using formatting - honestly, I didn't used to know how to use it here on DA. If you look at my old works, I never used it at all. Now, however; I've learned its magic ways and am sadly addicted. I think you're right that I overuse it - I'll have to watch myself from now on.

I really enjoyed reading this and usually I would side with the ones that lost their lives but I actually sympathize with the doctor and daughter. Right at the beginning I knew that they were going to die or be hurt and it would be the doctor to do it but I felt as if you wrote this story really well. Kyrstal is someone I would've preferred live since she does seem a little naive and a follower so it's really predictable that she would be first to go. Amanda is manipulative and I don't like her so I'm glad she died (that sounds so sadistic..) and Roger is just a typical teen boy I suppose You've captured three different personalities in a great way. The amount of suspense as I never got until the end that at the beginning in the living room that they were the firemen (?).

To be honest, you are the only person on deviantART who I will continually read their horror stories. Your writing seems to keep me enrapt despite knowing that I will probably know the ending. Your stories are just amazing

And wanting Amanda dead is not a crime... she was certainly a bitch. In my mind, were it not for her... they probably would have lived that night. I find in horror movies there's always one character I love to hate - even it they're not necessarily the bad guy.

And your last comment about my horror stories was so lovely! I am glad that some people are able to guess certain things, means they're probably in the same weird mindset as me.

But the fact that you still enjoy reading it to the end, that's awesome. Thanks again, sweetheart. It was wonderful of you to comment on my work.

A really nice piece.They say, that at the night of Samhain the dead come to life and we wear masks to shield us from harm, for they shall not perceive us as humans, but as their kin.Vengeance and Lust...those two things lead these children into that house that night. (Though whatever the firefighters did to deserve this, I don't know).So one could say, they got what was coming for them.

But did they truly deserve this...I dare say 'No'. But then again, Roger really had little choice...after all, men are simple creatures. If a woman knows how to push their buttons (and Amanda sure does), there's little he could have done to deny her. Poor fool...he just had the hots for the wrong girl...or at the wrong time.