Monday, October 26, 2009

I don't know about you, but I am still carrying around some extra pounds since I gave birth to my daughter, oh, three and a half-odd years ago. I never imagined it would be SO incredibly hard to lose the weight. And I never thought I would feel so un-sexy at times that I wouldn't even want my husband to see me naked.

But sometimes, I do. I admit it. Sometimes, I feel so lumpy, bumpy, stretch-marked, and saggy that I get as insecure as a chubby teenage girl with her first set of boobs. I even go so far as having thoughts during sex like "what if he's thinking how gross I am right now?" or "please don't touch my stomach, please don't touch my stomach." Or the worst: "Can he see how much that JIGGLES???"

Pathetic? Neurotic? Ridiculous? All of the above, yes. But it's true. And I know I am not the only one out there who feels this way. I know because I have surveyed over a hundred moms of all walks of life, and many of them have these same thoughts and insecurities.

Laura, a 32-year-old mother of three said "I feel like someone else has taken over my body. It doesn't look the same, it doesn't feel the same, and it doesn't react to my husband's touch in the same way. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get my old body back."

What Laura expressed to me in her survey reflects how many mothers feel after giving birth. Completely out of control. Of their bodies, their hormones, sometimes even their ability to produce enough lubrication to get a finger in their hoo-ha, nevermind a penis. And although some of this goes away within the first six months after that screaming ball of joy has made its appearance, some of it doesn't. Sometimes, we find ourselves, YEARS later, still wondering when we are going to turn that corner and reclaim control.

Don't get me wrong, I have my sex kitten moments when I feel like my curves are a blessing instead of a curse, and my husband tries his damndest to make me feel like I am just as sexy as the day I met him. But I am always telling myself that if I could just lose that weight, everything would be so much better. I could let go more in bed, enjoy each moment a little bit more, and initiate some hot, crazy sexy time much more often.

I need we need an attitude adjustment. Instead of letting our bodies control how we feel, how about controlling our bodies with a positive attitude? I'm not saying that I am ready to throw in the towel and stop trying to lose the weight, but why shouldn't I cut myself a little slack and stop being so hard on myself? It's not like all the self-hatred is helping me, and it certainly has no place in the bedroom.

Here is what I am going to do. And I challenge you to do the same. Tomorrow I will wake up and notice the good things about myself. I will work out so I will feel strong and powerful. I will tell myself that I am sexy and confident. And maybe, just maybe, I will let my husband see me naked with the lights on.

Or maybe just some candles...

Baby steps ;)

So tell me moms, how do you feel about your bodies? What are your insecurities? And how do you make yourselves feel sexy? Do you have sex with the lights on and let it all hang out or is it strictly lights-out, under the covers for you?

As always, you can click on the link in the right sidebar to submit your stories, thoughts or feelings and it will be sent to me completely anonymously. Or, just leave a comment here and tell me how you feel. I'm not picky.

15
comments:

Anonymous
said...

OMG! I totally feel this way and you hit every freakin nail on the head! Thinking about what is he thinking about when we are being intimate? Is he imagining he's with someone else? And i have my times when i dont want him to see me naked. I just feel so disgusting and at times i see him looking at me when im changing or something and in my mind he's thinking, "look at all of that blubber!, what happened?!" I myself am only 25 and my first and only child is now 3yrs of age. My husband and I will have been married for 9yrs in feb and i really want and try to lose the weight but it is soooooooo freakin hard!!! I just never imagined that anyone else could be going through the EXACT same things I am and feel the EXACT same way!

Oh great post. and one so many women feel. I think over time, you get better with your body. My baby is now 17 and sex and life is incredible! I am about 10 pounds heavier than what I would like, but you know what... my man loves me. And life is good! And yes we have sex with the lights on or off! lol

If your man compilments you - take it, enjoy it tell him thank you. Who wants to give a compliment only to hear, no I am fat?

I was definitely more of the initiator in my earlier years. I wish I could blame it on the babies but...I actually have weighed my LEAST, in the last 10 years, right after having both kids, I just couldn't maintain it. Sometimes I blame my lack of interest on my husband,but realisticallyI know it's my own lack of desires due to "image" that cause us to have fewer relations.

As I was writing the paragraphs below, I remembered what the turning point was for me that took my husband and I from boring, married sex to passion again. A friend of mine invited me to a pole dancing party, where each woman is taught a few moves on the pole! Not only was the experience the opposite of a raunchy, degrading affair (I almost didn't show up because as I was driving there I was feeling shame and picturing the worst!), but it was a great opportunity to see that women who are enjoying themselves are sexy. We had women of all sizes and shapes and when they relaxed and had fun, I saw their beauty and radiance.

In that moment I got it: women who are having fun are sexy, which means I am sexy when I am having fun. The more confident I am, the more fun I have, the better time we both have! That changed my sex life entirely. Now I focus on having fun and playing with my sexuality, and the results are spectacular!

Another thing that I have found so helpful is learning from my husband that men like jiggly! That still amazes me and yet is such a gift. I still wish I had a tighter stomach, breasts and butt, but I know he adores me as I am.

I agree with the woman who posted above who said that sex is better now than ever. My kids are 12 and 10. My husband and I are so much more connected that our sex life is way more fulfilling.

We did go through some dull times to get here though. Finally we took a great course about how to flex into our feminine and masculine, at least in the bedroom. That made a huge difference11. I've found it very nurturing to learn to relax into the beauty of womanhood more often.

I know that taking the course helped me be open to pole dancing in the first place. Whatever way you get there, if you can find a way to surrender into your feminine and focus on having fun, great sex is waiting for you.

I am getting better because I am quite changed since we got married and had a baby. But mentally I am trying to realize that I am what I am. It's getting a lot better. But sometimes I do have those moments when the tv is on, or the sun is still out *gasp* and I think "omg, does he see my back fat?!?" or "omg, i hope he doesn't realize I haven't shaved my legs in two weeks" because lets be honest... sometimes I am just lucky to GET a shower chasing a 20 month old all day and night! LOL

thank you! this post totally rocks. i feel the same way - i look in the mirror and think how disgusting that hanging belly skin looks and then look at my husband and think "how can he want this?!" and he does, and he's great, but i can't move past that.

so, thanks! i think i'll try and hit the gym tonight. or at least do some crunches

Well, I'm not a mom, but I did get quite chubby once. Bad marriage = depression = two helpings of mashed potatoes at dinner....err, sumthing like that...next thing you know...poof, gained 30lbs. Was I obese, no. Was I jiggly, stretch marked and unimpressed with myself...YESSSS! It took awhile and a few fad diet attempts to get back to where I was happy again....and it IS hard work....however, I started by joining the YMCA...and swimming. I swam, and swam my problems away, as water is theraputic to me, being an aquarian and all....but in the end...the swimming and one little divorce, next thing you know....i was curvy still, but very happy with myself again.

Not being happy with yourself will do you no favors in the bedroom....however, i've found in my days...a man loves a woman who'll rock his world....no matter her flaws, I've found that if you don't make a big deal of em, your man is far, far less likely to even notice them during sex...for crying outloud, most men can't even remember their name during...right?!

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Calling all desperate housewives, soccer moms and PTA mavens!

The Sex and The Suburbs blog is devoted to anything and everything related to sex and motherhood. Whether you are, or ever have been, a married, single, young, old, gay, or straight mom who lives a typical life complete with play dates, school activities and carpooling, this blog is for YOU. I created this blog to help me write my book, Sex and The Suburbs, by getting priceless feedback from other moms of all walks of life on what they are concerned about or what they want to learn when it comes to their sex lives. It will also be a safe place for moms to talk about sex, ask questions, air concerns, and tell their stories.