Apr 16, 2009

Well, we’d have a lot of peace and quiet and a lot more money, but the truth be told, we’d be miserable. Plus, we wouldn’t have near as many jokes to tell. Sure, you could still make fun of your buddy, but we’d be missing out on a lot of funny opportunities.

23. When a man marries Miss Right, he never realizes that her first name is “Always”.

22. Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

21. Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”

20. A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

19. Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?Answer: After five years, your job still sucks.

18. Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out?Answer: He died laughing.

17. Question: What’s the difference between your paycheck and your penis?Answer: You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

16. Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?Answer: A woman that doesn’t do what she’s told.

15. Question: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?Answer: The dog, because he’ll shut up after you let him in.

14. Question: What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?Answer: Lipstick.

13. Question: Why do men die before their wives?Answer: Because they want to.

12. Question: Why did God give men penises?Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.

11. Question: How do you fix a woman’s watch?Answer: You don’t. There’s a clock on the stove.

10. Question: Why do women have smaller feet than men?Answer: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

9. Question: What do women and Slinkies have in common?Answer: Not really too much, but you can’t help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.

8. Question: How many men does it take to open a beer?Answer: None. It should already be open by the time she brings it.

7. Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead?Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.

6. Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job?Answer: Ten minutes of silence.

5. Question: Why do women close their eyes during sex?Answer: They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

4. Question: What’s the ideal breakfast setting?Answer: You’re sitting at the kitchen table and your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of a milk carton.

3. A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.

In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.

The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”

2. Question: What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence?Answer: Divorced.

1. One beautiful afternoon in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replies.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals. I appreciate all that you have given me, but I’m just not happy”, Adam answers.

“Why is that, Adam”, God asks.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I have no one special to share it with and I’m lonely”, Adam explained to God.

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you”, God told him.

Perplexed, Adam asked, “What’s a woman, Lord?”

God replies, “This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.. She will cook and clean for you and do everything that you ask without ever complaining. She will provide every sexual need and fantasy you will ever think of and meet all of your sexual needs. She will bear your children and raise them without complaints. This woman will be the perfect companion for you.”

“Wow! That sounds great,” exclaimed Adam. “Where is she?”

“Not so fast,” said the Lord. “A woman this fantastic is going to cost you.”

“How much”, asked Adam.

“An arm and leg”, God replied.

Adam thought about this for a moment, then replied, “What can I get for a rib?”

The rest is history.

I know there are many more woman bashing jokes out there. When you’re handed joke material such as a woman herself, the joke possibilities are endless. However, these are my 33 favorites. What are some of your favorites?

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