Regret

This monologue is my way of showing my Mom how much I love her and how I would be truly sorrowful if she ever left. Don't be ashamed if you feel you are a lot like the main character and fear your parent(s) doesn't know how much they really mean to you, just let them know, at least once a day, you care.

[In a therapist’s office sits a girl. Her knees are on her chest and she says nothing. The doctor sits on the chair opposite her, but is hidden by shadows. The only light comes from an open window where a perfect sunny day is portrayed. Finally, the girl lets out a heavy breath and begins to talk. Her eyes never leave the floor.]

I’m ready to talk. [She pauses a moment to see if the psychiatrist responds.] You’ve probably been waiting for me to say that for the past three months. I know I was a jerk before, but I didn’t see the reason for me to see a family counselor. I was living just fine without anyone’s help. [The girls shrugs.] But looking back, I really wasn’t. I was a terrible daughter. Always getting into trouble at school, sneaking out to parties I was told not to go to, mouthing off to my mother… I did all of those things just because she told me not to. [The girl begins to cry, but continues to talk after her voice is finally level again.] I didn’t want to put distance between us, but I didn’t want us to be ‘close.’

I was never the girl who saw her mom as her ‘best friend.’ I hated the thought; it made my stomach twist. God, why was I such an awful daughter? [The girl stops talking and looks in the direction of the psychiatrist. She listens, but doesn’t show signs of disagreeing or agreeing with his statement.] No. I can’t make up for my mistakes through my father. Because it was with my… my… [She stutters, struggling to say the word that hadn’t crossed her lips in days. But finally, she whispers it.] Mom. I messed it all up with her!

[The girl releases her legs, suddenly full of anger. She shouts at the psychiatrist.]How could being nicer to my dad make up for the things I’d done to my own mother! All she did was try! She tried and tried, but what did I do? I rebelled, ignored the love, and became sucked into only myself and my friends! I didn’t care about how she was doing, but she cared about how I was doing! Every day she’d ask, “How was your day?” and I’d reply with a simple, ‘Fine!’ [Scream next line.] FINE! Just fine! I didn’t tell her about how well I’d done on a test, or how terrible my day had been because someone spread a rumor about me! And when she would talk about her day, I’d put in my ear buds; I’d ignore her because that’s how little I respected her.

[The girl stops talking. Breathing heavily to calm down. Everything is still and silent as she calms herself before continuing.] You know what I told her the second before she left home just to meet her end? What my last words were to her? She was leaving for a meeting, and her arms were full of a laptop, a large binder and the clothes she was taking for my dad to change into when they met up at the office. And… [The girl stops, wiping the tears from her eyes.] And she said, “I love you.” [The girl covers her face with her hand, shaking with sobs she cries. She uncovers her face, but talks through her tears.] And I didn’t give a crap. I just wanted her out of the house, to be gone so I could be alone with Jeremy. So my reply to her was: “Okay.”

The last thing my mother ever heard me say was “Okay.” And, honestly, I feel like that’s the one word she’ll carry with her to heaven. She’ll remember me, that is for sure, I was her only child. Her flesh and blood… [The girl looks at the floor, resting her elbows on her knees, thinking about how to finish the sentence.] That didn’t even care about her. [Speaking softly, she finishes her speech.] If I could change one thing, even if it didn’t prevent her car crash, it would be that I told her I loved her, just that one time. And that’s all. Three words, to the woman who never stopped loving me, even at my worst.

[She raises her hands to her face and begins to sob loudly. The doctor moves to sit next to her on the couch. He pats her back, then turns to the window, and pulls down the shades, causing the stage to go black.]

Subscribe

Get Teen Ink’s 48-page monthly print edition. Written by teens since 1989.