BITS & PIECES

Confessions of a numb-skulled columnist

Published: Tuesday, April 8, 2014 at 6:30 a.m.

Last Modified: Monday, April 7, 2014 at 5:01 p.m.

What can I say? It takes talent, I tell you, true talent, to foul up this badly.

Dear gentle reader, I really screwed up in last Tuesday’s column.

There’s this rock, you see, the one with a hole in it big enough to drive a golf cart through, that sits on the grounds of the Appleton Museum of Art. I was there, I saw it, I even took a photo of it, then used that same photo for the March 29 WHERE IS IT? feature that runs with this column each month.

I knew where the sculpture was, and so did the readers who responded. The only person who seemed NOT to know the location was the numb-skulled idiot typing out my column. (That numb-skulled idiot would, of course, be yours truly.)

Cindi Morrison, the director of the Appleton Museum, wrote: “Hi Mr. Schley: I always enjoy reading your column but I’d like to correct the information on the hole-y rock attributed to the Ocala Civic Theatre in today’s paper. The sculpture is titled Exit Strategy by Chris Curtis and was donated by an individual to the Appleton Museum of Art/College of Central Florida’s Permanent Collection about 16 months ago.

“I would appreciate it if you would be able to revise the information in order to let people know where to go to see the sculpture.”

You will please note that Cindi was enough of a lady to not refer to me as “Dear Numb-Skulled Idiot.” After beating myself up repeatedly over this major gaffe, and in an attempt to totally obfuscate my guilty role in this foul-up, I managed to come up with my Top Five List of Excuses why it happened:

5. It was the computer’s fault. Honest!

4. It was a copy editor’s fault.

3. Workmen unfamiliar with the area erected the art piece on the wrong property.

3. Little green men from Mars experienced a momentary glitch in their teleportation machine.

And ... drumroll, please:

1. NASA’s secret experiments with warping light waves made the sculpture appear to be located at OCT, even though it is actually located at the Appleton.

So, readers who would like to see this artwork for themselves are directed to visit the Appleton Museum. And if you happen to spot a suspicious-looking truck with NASA painted on the side and all sorts of strange antennas protruding off in all directions, do not be deceived. The statue really is at the Appleton Museum, despite any rumors you may have heard (or read) to the contrary.

RAK REPORT: Oak Run’s Richard (Dick) Wolf wrote: “The Friday morning, volunteers were at the front desk of West Marion Community Hospital when a man came through the door carrying a bouquet of bright yellow flowers and a ‘thank you’ balloon and handed both to the group saying, ‘I, too, volunteer and want to say thank you for all you do.’ He then left just as he had entered. The gesture was appreciated so much. THANK YOU, you are a very special person.”

FLAG ETIQUETTE: On Top of the World’s Paula F. Smith wrote: “Re: Today’s column, in showing respect to the American flag, the flag may be hung on the left or right of your front door. If it is displayed flatly, it should be on the left side of the building. Also, President Obama was elected in 2008, therefore former President Bush could not have signed a new edition of the National Defense Act in 2009. The original National Defense Act was signed by President Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

“Not being a pest, just wanted to tell the good folks of Marion County, if your flag is hung on the right side of your porch, as mine is, you are not showing any disrespect. Thank you for your time and mostly for your wonderful column.”

<p>What can I say? It takes talent, I tell you, true talent, to foul up this badly.</p><p>Dear gentle reader, I really screwed up in last Tuesday's column.</p><p>There's this rock, you see, the one with a hole in it big enough to drive a golf cart through, that sits on the grounds of the Appleton Museum of Art. I was there, I saw it, I even took a photo of it, then used that same photo for the March 29 WHERE IS IT? feature that runs with this column each month.</p><p>I knew where the sculpture was, and so did the readers who responded. The only person who seemed NOT to know the location was the numb-skulled idiot typing out my column. (That numb-skulled idiot would, of course, be yours truly.)</p><p><b>Cindi Morrison</b>, the director of the Appleton Museum, wrote: “Hi Mr. Schley: I always enjoy reading your column but I'd like to correct the information on the hole-y rock attributed to the Ocala Civic Theatre in today's paper. The sculpture is titled Exit Strategy by Chris Curtis and was donated by an individual to the Appleton Museum of Art/College of Central Florida's Permanent Collection about 16 months ago.</p><p>“I would appreciate it if you would be able to revise the information in order to let people know where to go to see the sculpture.”</p><p>You will please note that Cindi was enough of a lady to not refer to me as “Dear Numb-Skulled Idiot.” After beating myself up repeatedly over this major gaffe, and in an attempt to totally obfuscate my guilty role in this foul-up, I managed to come up with my Top Five List of Excuses why it happened:</p><p>5. It was the computer's fault. Honest!</p><p>4. It was a copy editor's fault.</p><p>3. Workmen unfamiliar with the area erected the art piece on the wrong property.</p><p>3. Little green men from Mars experienced a momentary glitch in their teleportation machine.</p><p>And ... drumroll, please:</p><p>1. NASA's secret experiments with warping light waves made the sculpture appear to be located at OCT, even though it is actually located at the Appleton.</p><p>So, readers who would like to see this artwork for themselves are directed to visit the Appleton Museum. And if you happen to spot a suspicious-looking truck with NASA painted on the side and all sorts of strange antennas protruding off in all directions, do not be deceived. The statue really is at the Appleton Museum, despite any rumors you may have heard (or read) to the contrary.</p><p><b>RAK REPORT</b>: Oak Run's </b>Richard (Dick) Wolf</b> wrote: “The Friday morning, volunteers were at the front desk of West Marion Community Hospital when a man came through the door carrying a bouquet of bright yellow flowers and a 'thank you' balloon and handed both to the group saying, 'I, too, volunteer and want to say thank you for all you do.' He then left just as he had entered. The gesture was appreciated so much. THANK YOU, you are a very special person.”</p><p><b>FLAG ETIQUETTE</b>: On Top of the World's <b>Paula F. Smith</b> wrote: “Re: Today's column, in showing respect to the American flag, the flag may be hung on the left or right of your front door. If it is displayed flatly, it should be on the left side of the building. Also, President Obama was elected in 2008, therefore former President Bush could not have signed a new edition of the National Defense Act in 2009. The original National Defense Act was signed by President Woodrow Wilson in 1916.</p><p>“Not being a pest, just wanted to tell the good folks of Marion County, if your flag is hung on the right side of your porch, as mine is, you are not showing any disrespect. Thank you for your time and mostly for your wonderful column.”</p>