More Clinton Scandals

Police have identified the suspect in a string of robberies that have plagued residents of upper Manhattan. Aided by victims' descriptions of a gray-haired, well-dressed, heavyset white male who, in at least eight incidents since late January, followed elderly women into residential buildings in Harlem and Morningside Heights and, after threatening to talk their ears off, took cash and other valuables before fleeing in a dark limousine, New York Police Department detectives determined that the alleged perpetrator is William Jefferson Clinton, the former President of the United States and now a resident of Chappaqua, in Westchester County. Yesterday, a warrant for Mr. Clinton's arrest was issued by the Manhattan District Attorney, and he is expected to surrender sometime today, according to Johnnie Cochran, the well-known defense lawyer, who said he had been retained by the ex-Commander-in-Chief. Mr. Cochran characterized Mr. Clinton's involvement in the robberies as "a lot less bad than it might appear," adding, "My client looks forward to a full airing of his side of the story regarding each one of these misunderstandings. If the shoe fits, he'll wear it; until then, we'll just grin and bear it."

The producers of the award-winning HBO series "The Sopranos" have refused to comment publicly but are said to be "homicidally incensed" by a leak that has revealed a startling plot development in a forthcoming episode. As reported yesterday in a gossip column in the News, the actor James Gandolfini, who portrays the lead character, Tony Soprano, the underboss of a New Jersey organized-crime family, has apparently been replaced by former President Bill Clinton. Johnnie Cochran, the attorney who has been representing Mr. Clinton in several pending matters, has acknowledged arranging a meeting at the White House last October between the then President and David Chase, the series' creator. At the time, it was agreed that Mr. Clinton would make a cameo appearance, playing himself in two brief scenes in which he and Tony Soprano meet for a golf date arranged by a mutual acquaintance (who is actually an F.B.I. undercover operative). What remains unclear is precisely how Mr. Clinton, who has a history of close ties to the entertainment industry, succeeded in leveraging that minor on-camera performance into the backstage coup that resulted in the departure of Mr. Gandolfini, who won an Emmy award last year for best actor. Mr. Cochran dismissed as "nasty speculation" suggestions that Mr. Clinton might have misappropriated wiretap transcripts and other information gathered by federal organized-crime investigators in his successful effort to usurp Mr. Gandolfini, who is rumored to have exchanged his role on the television program for a role in a witness-protection program.

Amid calls for a formal Parliamentary inquiry into the alarming outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease in Britain, government officials there are pursuing a theory of how the epidemic began which, if correct, would seem to implicate Bill Clinton. The investigation is focussing on a shipment early last month of twenty pigs sent, evidently at Mr. Clinton's direction, to Prime Minister Tony Blair, and arranged by Tyson Foods, the giant livestock-processing company, which has headquarters in Arkansas, the former President's home state. During a vigorous and heated question-and-answer session yesterday on the floor of the House of Commons, Mr. Blair acknowledged having received the pigs from Mr. Clinton to settle a "friendly" bet made last fall, when the outcome of the U.S. Presidential election was still the subject of a court battle in Florida. "President Clinton predicted that the American election crisis would be resolved with him serving another four years in the White House," Mr. Blair said. "I wagered a flock of Shetland sheep against that notion, and he put up the swine. And I seem to have won, though I suppose one might say that a rather different outcome would have been preferable." Mr. Blair added that he never expected Mr. Clinton to deliver the pigs and that, upon being notified that they had arrived in Britain, he hastily arranged for them to be diverted to an acquaintance in Heddon-on-the-Wall, the rural northern village where, two weeks ago, the eruption of foot-and-mouth disease was first reported. Mr. Clinton was unavailable for comment yesterday, and telephone callers to the office of his attorney, Johnnie Cochran, were greeted by a recorded message that said, "Never mind the pigs. We've stepped out for a mess of ribs."

The entire admissions staff of a private school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan has been suspended without pay by that institution's trustees after the discovery of a purported scheme in which Bill Clinton is said to have influenced the selection of next fall's kindergarten class. According to a spokesman for the prestigious Dalton School, on East Eighty-ninth Street, "certain irregularities came to light" after reporters for the New York Observer, a weekly newspaper, obtained copies of internal school files and compared the results of admissions-committee deliberations with lists of prominent donors to the election campaign of U.S. Senator Hillary Rodham, the former President's estranged wife. During an impromptu press briefing yesterday outside the Senate chamber, in Washington, Rodham stated, "I know nothing about any of this, but I can assure you that there was no quid here, no pro, and precious little quo." Rodham described herself as "disappointed, surprised, and hurt" by reporters' suggestions that she might have been aware of phone calls that Mr. Clinton is said to have made to Dalton admissions officers, urging them to "be nice" to certain applicants, whose names have been withheld because of their status as five- or soon-to-be five-year-olds.

Scientists attending the annual Multilateral International Hole-in-the-Ozone Monitoring Symposium, in Val- d'Isère, France, will issue a joint resolution later this week condemning former President Bill Clinton. Several research papers are scheduled to be presented during the conference, and excerpts from advance copies that have been made available to journalists delineate a statistical correlation between Mr. Clinton's liberal use of hair spray and fossil-fuel-powered jet aircraft during his term in office and the general problem of "global warming," which has resulted in increased levels of perspiration worldwide. Former Vice-President Al Gore, one of the conference attendees, declared that he was "deeply, deeply concerned about certain inferences made by these remarkably impressive scientists."Reached in New York, Mr. Clinton's attorney and confidant, Johnnie Cochran, scoffed at the scientific findings, calling them "piling on and, in general, a pile."

"That hole in the ozone they keep talking about is down around Antarctica, right?" Mr. Cochran said. "O.K., I say show me some credit-card receipts. Show me some plane-ticket stubs. Show me any kind of evidence that the man has been anywhere near Antarctica."

Associates of former President Bill Clinton confirmed today that he has launched "an open-ended personal good-will tour" of several foreign capitals, to meet with leaders with whom he has had sharp differences in the past. On the first leg of this journey, he spent yesterday in Cuba with that country's longtime dictator, Fidel Castro. Speaking last night from Havana, Johnnie Cochran, Mr. Clinton's attorney and senior adviser, described the tenor of discussions between his client and Mr. Castro as "real down-home." Though many details of Mr. Clinton's itinerary are not yet clear, Mr. Cochran said that Mr. Castro would be accompanying them to their next stop, Libya, where they will meet with Colonel Muammar Qaddafi. "And if things go the way we think they will with Qaddafi," Mr. Cochran anticipated, "there's no reason we can't all chill together when we head on over to Iraq"—where Mr. Clinton would presumably confer with that country's strongman, Saddam Hussein. Asked about reports that former Ugandan President-for-Life Idi Amin, deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega, and recently extradited Chilean ex-President Augusto Pinochet would also become part of the Clinton entourage, Mr. Cochran paused, then said, "How about 'No comment'?"

Meanwhile, White House officials have questioned not only the propriety of Mr. Clinton's trip but also its timing. Last week, Acting President George W. Bush filed a civil-rights suit against Mr. Clinton, alleging a conspiracy by him and Mr. Cochran to monopolize media coverage in a manner that abridges Mr. Bush's freedom of expression, as guaranteed by the First Amendment. ♦

Mark Singer, a longtime contributor to the magazine, is the author of several books, including “Character Studies.”