A man in the house is worth two in the street.Mae West~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "Do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "Do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "Do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. The wife says, "Do I look like Betty Crocker?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. " Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?" "Only when he"s been drinking, officer."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

:rotfl: Oh yeah. Been there, done that.

:eek: Mine too.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

It's good to see you all, and for a change I'm wide awake.

Not necessarily a good thing since I need to get to bed.......to sleep......asap.

I have another tool in my insomnia fighting tool belt though.

It's called a hammer.

It worked great on my sister.

My dad had falling asleep down to an art form. He was a master at it.

His technique was to close his eyes.

Why didn't I think of that?

I don't think dad had a theater in his head.

When I turn out the light and close my eyes, this big projector comes on in my head and all of these characters and events start running through my head.

The good news is I get a senior discount on my ticket.

I hope you all have a happy day.

joe

_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

Good Morning Joe, Ana, manxman, Darlene, venus and Cailyn. Well from the looks of our deck I think we got close to 2 feet of snow yesterday and last night. For a while we were getting 2 inches per hour! Cailyn coffee is ready. Hope you all have a great day!

Good morning. Hey Darlene, any chance of getting crepes this morning? It's been a long time. I also haven't had any BB pancakes in way too long. Thanks Joe for your openers.Good morning to Ana , manzman, Darlene, venus, Gerry, Sue, and all who come in the diner after me. Early work shift today. Then for 5:00 later on. I looked out the window, checking how much snow we got last night. Well, there's enough so I have to sweep the snow off the car. Not too much though. That's good. Ana how much snow did you get?

See you guys later. Be good. Pay it forward for someone, it'll make you feel good.

No snow here, well ya, up in the mountains about 1 hour's drive, 45 minutes on a good traffic day. If I need it, it's there for me.

Hey Joe, those 'earphones' are great. I have been known to sneak up behind someone on my walks and when I pass them, it scares them. Lots of funny jumps and movements. Not my fault, they are the ones listening to the 'beat of a different drummer' and very loudly I might add. I remember most the NEW transistor radios. Big deal way back when they first came out. Everyone was complaining about 'noise pollution' especially at the beach. I was lucky enough to win a 'jingle' contest for a local radio station and WON one of the first Emerson transistor radios ever made. It was so exciting. Wish I still had that one!

Off for a walk. It rained hard all night. Things are puddling. Gotta check my empty back lot for my 'private lake' which appears after a good rain. It's a depression where there used to be a shack long before I moved here and the cement slab makes a perfect bottom. Gets about 1 foot deep, geee maybe I could float a raft on it. On second thought.