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In the interest of not having to constantly use the words “allegedly,” “supposedly,” and “reportedly,” I’m going to tell you right now that the text to follow is all information according to arrest affidavits.

Buchanan contacted the 51-year-old victim on Yahoo! Messenger, posing as “Doc,” a local physician who was advising Buchanan regarding a prior bout with breast cancer that had originally surfaced in 2008, back when she was living with a former partner with whom she’d had two children via in vitro fertilization. Confused yet? It gets better. Pay attention here.

After Buchanan’s alter ego, “Doc,” had made online contact with the victim, Buchanan informed her that “Doc” was a person with whom she had a close, personal, mother/daughter-type relationship. The victim accepted and believed this.

Back online, “Doc” informed the victim that Buchanan had recently been diagnosed with a pre-cancerous mass in her breast, but that its progression might be slowed, or even cured, if Buchanan were able to produce certain hormones that the body would naturally release during…you guessed it…sexual activity.

Now, the muff-diving Buchanan had previously tried a more traditional seduction approach with the victim, who has considered herself a lesbian since the age of thirteen. However, the victim had sworn off girl-on-girl action, feeling it was “morally wrong.” You go, Texas.

It seems that “Doc’s” prodding was just what the victim needed, though, to get those scissoring impulses going again. The victim reluctantly engaged in “Doc’s” prescribed treatment regimen under the pretext that she was saving Buchanan’s life. As part of the supposed plan, “Doc” would go over the results of Buchanan’s fictitious weekly blood draws to provide information on how it was all going. She would then provide advice on the frequency and duration of the sexual encounters to follow. I’m now thinking of starting the script for a lesbian porn film called “The Wizard of Lez,” though I feel I may be slightly under-qualified.

During the subsequent online interactions with “Doc,” the victim urged her to be more proactive with the precancerous cells, perhaps employing a strategy involving mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. The victim eventually convinced Buchanan to undergo surgery and she accompanied Buchanan to the procedure. In the waiting room, immediately following the supposed mastectomy and reconstruction, the victim asked the doctor about the status of the mass in Buchanan’s breast, to which she responded that she knew nothing of a mass, that she was only performing breast augmentation.

The victim then confronted “Doc” online about the odd denial immediately following the surgery. “Doc” told her that the surgery had been performed “under the table” and that she needed to deny knowledge of the cancer at that point because there were cameras in the waiting room where they’d been speaking. The victim, who must, at this point, win some sort of award for extreme gullibility, accepted this.

Buchanan wasn’t done. Throughout June and July, Buchanan was trying to jockey the victim into a more permanent arrangement, telling her that she needed to get married to aid her in the supposed ongoing custody battle she’d been having with her former partner. They traveled to Massachusetts and tied the knot, since Texas is not down with same-sex unions as of this writing.

The victim’s daughter then entered the picture, suggesting that “Doc” was actually Buchanan and this was all a huge scam. A light bulb then illuminated the pitch blackness that is the victim’s cognitive ability. She contacted Buchanan’s former partner, who informed her that there was no battle with cancer in 2008, and that the two were not engaged in any custody battle. She then called “Doc’s” office, and that’s when the police got involved.

Buchanan admitted to police that she had tricked the victim, but that she would not have stood a chance at getting into her pants without the advice of “Doc.” Makes it all seem okay to me, actually. I’m not sure why the police are involved at all.

Buchanan was released from Angelina County Jail on a $1,500 bond. She faces up to a year in county jail and/or a $4,000 fine on the Class A misdemeanor charge.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to Facebook message someone about my testicular cancer, which can only be cured through execution of the unabridged Kama Sutra.

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