Published 4:00 am, Sunday, January 28, 2007

First, Kiffin should restore the "hard work" cliche to its former glory, because over the years coaches have beaten it down like it's the only nail at carpentry school.

Hard work? That's what the Lane-ster is bringing to the Raiduhs' party?

If that's all it takes, Al Davis has overspent. For $9 an hour he could hire one of the young men (or women) who work at my nearest In-N-Out Burger. The potato-slicer dude would have the Raiders in the next Super Bowl.

"I'm preparing to roll up my sleeves and go to work," Kiffin said.

Uh, coach, you work for the Raiders. Better you should roll up your pants cuffs.

A football coach who works hard? What a concept. Working smart, now that would be novel approach to Raiders coaching.

Kiffin also vows to work the players much harder in practice, and that should ease the pain Randy Moss has been feeling for the last two years, because laughter is the best medicine.

Kiffin says, "I will bring an explosive, powerful offense to this franchise." Great, but won't Pete Carroll notice if 11 of his players are missing?

The Raiders' new guy says he's going to buy Black Hole tickets for his wife and his two children, a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old. Sure, and maybe Pop can add to the family's game-day experience by letting the kids skateboard to the Coliseum on the freeway.

Hey, Kiff, you know how USC fans have a Trojan horse for their mascot? Black Hole fans have a Trojan horse for their tailgate barbecue.

-- The police report says Vick's bottle had "dark particulate and a pungent aroma." Vick just wasn't thinking. Any traveler knows you never refill your water bottle at a fountain in the Newark airport.

-- The toughest job in sports? Heisman Trophy repo man. Reggie Bush seems like a nice fellow, but if the ongoing investigation reveals that Reggie broke the rules, how would you like to be the guy who has to ask him to hand over his Heisman?

-- O.J. Simpson got to keep his Heisman, because he didn't break any NCAA rules.

-- Al Davis, Lane Kiffin's wingman, has a new way of dealing with the media. If he doesn't like the question or the questioner, Davis grabs his or her recorder and shuts it off. And if he catches one of us chewing gum, he asks the offender if he or she brought enough for everyone.

-- Al's recorder-snatch is a new and more-humane form of media control. His old method was to induce a hypnotic stupor by repeating the phrase, "Greatness of the Raiduhs."

-- Is this fair? Suspended Austrian ski coach Walter Mayer rams into a police blockade while trying to flee the Turin Olympics, and now all charges have been dropped. Meanwhile, I nudge over the speed limit on the Bay Bridge, ramming no blockade, and wind up rotting for a day in traffic school.

-- Lincoln Kennedy, after sitting out the last three seasons, signs with the Dallas Desperados. Was the team named before or after Kennedy signed?

-- Barry Bonds didn't make it to the Giants' Fan Fest, so he didn't get to answer the question a lot of fans are asking: Will he sing again this spring in the Giants' "American Idol" spoof? No, Barry already did his singing -- when he was asked where he got his amphetamines.

-- Floyd Mayweather Jr. will fight Oscar De La Hoya, and Mayweather's father offered to train De La Hoya. Said Pop, "But if you want me to tell you how to beat my son -- and I'm the only one who can tell Oscar how to do that -- then you need to pay me." Because, come on, what kind of father would help someone beat his kid's brain to mush for free?

-- Los Angeles is hoping to host the 2016 Olympics, and that city's bid committee brags that the only sport for which L.A. doesn't already have a venue is shooting. Silly people, they forgot about their freeways!