What is most important to you? Most likely, it is the people in your life, your family and friends (and yourself), that you value and that give your life meaning and significance. With changes in technology, the manner in which we attend to one another has changed greatly. Technology and the Internet allow us infinite possibilities for interacting and sharing knowledge, exploring new words, and exposing ourselves to a wider world. However, it can also consume us. How much time do you spend on your devices? What is the level of quality of time you spend interacting with others who are important to you? The phone and video conversations can allow us greater access to our loved ones, but also consume time we could spend engaging in face-to-face interactions or real life activities. Do you feel the same after searching for information or playing games on the internet as you do when you sit and spend time talking, touching, and engaging with a person in the same room or outdoor space? Are you more or less likely to have misunderstandings when you communicate in person or via technology? Technology has changed the rituals of many normal human processes. Has it done so in a way that is better or worse? In my office, clients come in and tell me about their relationships that seem to occur via text messages. This is very different from even a conversation on the phone, no less a real life interaction. I often hear clients complaining that someone special to them only texts and never talks. We have to be aware of our own practices and careful to be mindful of the need to connect “in person.”Some of what is lacking when we over-rely on technology includes the sensory experiences that enrich real life. We do not smell or touch things we see on the Internet. We do not hear the tone of someone’s voice or the sound of their laughter when we text. These are all important to our human experience. How much time do we spend on technology and how often do we miss spending ‘real time’ together? How much do we miss simply going outside and engaging in life? Is your balance between technology and others the right mix for you?Some signs you might be spending too much time engaging electronically include:

·You find it stressful or difficult to talk in person·Avoiding talking in person and texting instead·Increased stress in your relationships·Others complain they are feeling neglected by you or they say they don’t get enough of your attention·You have decreased time spent in non-technology-related activitiesCarefully consider how you use technology and the impact it has on your relationships and your life. If the balance isn’t right, you might need to become more mindful of your practices. Real life time spent with your significant others, your children, and your friends is precious and irreplaceable.

Valentine’s Day has passed and spring is approaching (although it might not feel that way, it is truly coming!). Couples have different ways of celebrating their relationships, ranging from “We don’t do Valentine’s Day” all the way to expensive gifts and outings. There is no right way to celebrate, but what is significant is the meaning between the two partners and the message of the celebration (or lack thereof). I’ve had clients come into my office in the last week or so telling me, “We don’t do anything for Valentine’s Day. It feels forced and we’d rather just celebrate when we want to.” If both parties view the lack of celebration as a reflection of their closeness (in other words, they see their choice as a shared decision and one that is based on connection), that is functional and not problematic. In essence, the decision not to participate is something they share and view as part of their connection. The same is true of fancy gift giving and making a day of it. If both parties enjoy this practice and place meaning in it, the end effect is positive. However, whether Valentine’s Day, or any other day of the year, what is important is the message each partner construes from every day events and interactions. Do both of you feel loved? Do you get a sense your partner is there when you need him/her? Are you able to ask for your needs, explicitly, so your partner can hear and understand your request? Can your partner refuse your needs in a way that still leaves you feeling loved?

These are important questions because it is generally NOT what happens on a day-to-day basis that defines our enjoyment and satisfaction in a relationship. Instead, what matters is how we feel. Check in with your partner today. If you and your partner are struggling, feeling hurt or rejected, or afraid to communicate your thoughts or your needs, it might be time to seek out some assistance. Relationships can be healed. Your relationship is worth healing, isn’t it? Reach out to your partner and, if need be, reach out to a therapist to help support the process.