Monday, April 15, 2013

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I want something like a train flying down the tracks. Feet moving too quickly over foreign cobblestones, taking it all in while dancing our way across places that will never forget us. I hope that we'll be the two that they can't shake from their heads, the smile they can't keep from spreading when our image flits through their memory. Maybe they don't even know us beyond one moment in time. We're just the couple from the cafe in Florence who tried to contain their enjoyment of one another's company so much that the cake and the platter both fell to the ground. Not in an inappropriate way {Of course} we were just laughing much too hard. The waiter will come and we'll do our best to stifle mirth as we apologize profusely in Italian, tip him massively, and pay for any damages we've done. He'll turn from irritated to amused and in the end, we'll come back after his shift to take him and his wife out to dinner, as per our invitation. Even if we never see them again, they'll be our dear friends and we'll be that couple from that day at that cafe in Florence.

Now, I am aware that not every day can be perfectly happy. But I want something like that massive downpour of spring precipitation. The one that starts small and then pelts with such fervor that you can't resist kissing in it. You don't have to be happy with someone to love them completely. The sun comes out and you see the world as something so fresh. That breath of clean air as the steam curls and dives off the pavement. The left over drops that peel from leaves to fall to the ground, content with somewhere deeper. I simply can't remain upset, so I know things will be so perfectly, madly, enjoyably rollicking.

We'll be so good for each other. While I am aware that "I" can be perfectly happy while singular, graduating to "we" just has such a nice ring to it. And I know that I'm going to find that soon. That second letter that will turn the beginning of "me" upside down, granting the potential to hold something. Something I'll discover I can play off of and begin new sentences with. I'm fully aware that I am wild. Wild and mad and someone that can't fully be explained. But all that says to me is that I'm going to love wildly. And I do. I'm everywhere at once and can get lost in a corner, counting words in a book by the stories they tell or drawing on walls just to make them seem bigger. I'm no easy task to be filled, but oh how you'll learn from the mistakes I make. And I'll love you however you need me to. If we're rich, we'll be smart with our money, but only so we can share it more fully. If we're poor, we'll get by on as little as nothing while doing our best to put the extras where they can be seen as a treasure. They are a treasure, but only to those who know how to find proper worth. And I think we could teach them. The world, I mean. I want to be with the world with you. I know good will come from it.

We could trip over France on our way to Russia, by the way. Or lose our luggage in Austria and have to thrift a fuller understanding that we otherwise would have been without. I want to get on the wrong train and pointlessly argue about whose fault it is, only to laugh and apologize, because it's mine and now we're stuck in Barcelona for the night. I'll make up for it though, I promise. We'll probably have to get a room. I want to dance on the deck of a small boat in Greece. I'll wear that dress you love with my hair down. The captain will be surly with us for a moment when we lean too far over the edge while looking at the water. I'll smooth my dress and smile as you thank him for looking out for our best interests and give him a grateful handshake. He'll tell us stories about close calls and we'll be interested because who can say if we'll ever meet a man quite him again?

We'll be on a mission for who knows what going who knows where. Perhaps Cambodia will not be quite what I expected, but you'll make it so much more that it could have been anyway. You'll do what you love and I'll love what you do because oh, how I admire your dedication. Our home, big or small, will need fixing up from the wear and tear that love tends to put into it. The repairs only lock in the moments that required them, and I am of the opinion that memories never leave a place. We'll paint the ceiling with dreams and paper the walls with good humour. Once you've outgrown your hair and filled in oh so nicely we'll celebrate your accomplishments. After all, how dashing you look in your bathrobe and stockings. You'll never tarnish, and I'll never stop seeing the best of mankind written in the lines of your face. Laughter lines are life's way of reminding us that we've spent our time on something worth it. You'll be so worth it, and I'm ready to love you wildly.

Friday, April 12, 2013

For the first time in a long time I feel so wonderfully free! Both today and yesterday have been wildly productive and happy. I'm cooking like a champ, running like an olympian, dancing like...well, a fool in her underwear in my room, but in class I'm on FIRE. Painting, drawing, learning, laughing, and just being have all found their light again. And I think they're here to stay for a while. It's as though something had crossed in front of my way of looking at the world over the past five months and it's finally begun to ebb away. I can tell that it's not completely removed yet, but that means that as time runs on it'll only get lighter. I've carried a weight and my time with it is coming to a close. I'm so relieved. And nervous. But only because I have one less thing to tie me down, which means that I'll be drifting farther than I have in a while. Days are exciting again and nights not so lonely, though you'd think it'd be otherwise.

I have no explanation for what happened other than the fact that I did my very best. I hung on 'til things were so frayed that they couldn't be held together anymore. And I have no regrets. Not one.

I'm fully aware that things are not perfect. But they never have been and it'll take far more effort that any one human being could muster to polish away all the grime. So I am here. I am myself again. I am starting from a higher point and I am honest about it. And that is more than enough.

To you, if you're reading this, I hope that you find what you're looking for. And I hope that it's more than you want, because you seem to sell yourself short. You shouldn't. And you shouldn't sell others short either. They're worth more than you believe and you deserve to be treated the same way they do. If you need me you'll know where to find me, though I'm sure I'll be out and about. That doesn't mean I won't be there. It just means you'll have to do a bit more work to find me.

Monday, April 8, 2013

It's tough, you know. Writing out someone who has been so efficiently inked onto pages and pages of your life. Papering your memory and scrawled across every fragment of every moment the two of you shared. It's particularly difficult to set the stage for what comes next when you have so many voices calling out from the wings. Telling you what to do, what to think, what to feel. Because in the end, sure, they may have given you input and planted the idea, but ultimately you are the one responsible for your own actions. And despite what you'd do for anyone else, they are the sole owner of theirs. You can't fix regrets that haven't happened yet any more than you can fix the ones that have. Because no matter what anyone tells you, you won't know whether or not you'll regret an action until after the fact. Unless it's stupid. Then the obvious answer is be intelligent and steer clear of it. But here's the thing, I have no idea as to wether my present ideas are stupid or not...Do I stick around? I've always been the girl who hung on. I can hold out against anything. Really. I can. And I know I can. That's why I am able to make so many things work that other people have given up on. I'll fight with every bit of me for something because I KNOW that there is a solution and I can find it. But do I want to put up with all of this? I know I deserve better. And I know that what I had has the potential to be so much more...So do I hang on and hold out and hope for that?...I could do that. But. I have been through this before. And it doesn't matter how much effort I'm willing to put in if it's not a two way street. Indecision and a hesitance to make things right might just kill it all. Which would be a terrible shame. It's not the first time I've had a love so deep for something so flawed. I have also been told that "The girl worth having won't wait for anyone." And I'll be honest, I was always the girl that no one could have. I was free to do what I wanted when I wanted with whomever I wanted and I was strong enough and brave enough to do it on my own if necessary. You grounded me. It's true. But I'm not sure if that is still a good thing.

Because oh, how I can fly...

*

I guess we'll see wether I go it alone or you help me pick us up, dust us off, and we become indestructible.