Charlie Sheen To CBS: 'We're At War — Apologize While Licking My Feet!'

His latest crazy claim: I am a Greek god with ‘tiger blood and Adonis DNA!’ And now Charlie says CBS and Chuck Lorre are ‘just trying to steal all of my money!’

Out-of-control Charlie Sheen is outraged about CBS cancelingTwo and a Half Men. And he’s had it with the mega-hit sitcom’s creator Chuck Lorre and his running commentary on his long string of troubles. “We’re at war. They are trying to destroy my family,” Charlie said on Today on Feb. 28. “They owe me one big apology — while licking my feet!”

Their problem? They don’t realize he is operating on a level way beyond we mere mortals. He doesn’t need Alcoholics Anonymous. That celebrated progam is for “people who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA,” Charlie explains. So now he’s a Greek god!

Charlie thinks AA is a complete waste of time for an immortal like him — and it doesn’t help anyone get sober. “I know my own truth — AA is fiction,” he said. “It didn’t fit me and I got tired of it. There’s only a 5% success rate.”

Still, Charlie did his rehab like a man, at home — a place he renamed the “Sober Valley Lodge.” He wouldn’t allow AA to “contaminate” the house while was working to kick his addictions.

Charlie thinks he can beat any bad habits on his own. “I’m fine — I have a plan,” Charlie stated. “I won’t do it. Only fools, trolls, the weak and defeated allow defeat to be an option. I will not.”

He also explains why he chose to drink and use drugs in the first place: “I did that because they work to change the way you see things and how you feel.”

Once he cleared up his insights into addiction and recovery, Charlie posed a list of questions for his ex-boss, Chuck:

1) Why did you tell me there were no scripts written that were ready to shoot when I first came back to work?

2) Why did you issue a decree that the remaining eight episodes of season eight would be reduced to four?

3) When Chuck was told the crew and staff would suffer from his laziness, Charlie wants to know why Chuck’s answer was ‘They are not my problem.'”

Charlie got one piece of supporting evidence over the weekend — he passed a blood and urine drug test administered at his home, at the request of RadarOnline.com.

“This is a career high point — from Platoon to this — who’s winning now!” he crowed just before going into his bathroom to submit a sample.

He does admit to using one substance that appears to be mind-altering.

“I am on a drug; it’s called Charlie Sheen. If you try it once you will die,” Charlie said during a 20/20 interview promoted on Good Morning America on Feb. 28. “Again I woke up. I’ve been kicked around and criticized, and I’m finally going to completely embrace and it and love it violently through violent hatred.”

And Charlie said on Today that his scandal is just a learning experience for his children.

Warner Bros. doesn’t want to find out if he’s thinking straight or not. He’s been banned from the Warner Bros. lot where the sitcom has been shot. But Charlie has vowed to show up, ready to go back to work.

Stay tuned! We’re sure the Charlie Sheen Rant Tour will be making more stops.