Why you are not getting laid

As software developers, we develop habits that
allow us to build products that work and do not fail under
stress. Every software developer knows what an "off-by-one"
error is, and like the Karate Kid, we train extensively so we
can avoid those traps. We learn how to avoid these and other
similar software problems and we sharpen our skills to find
logic errors.

As we mature as developers, finding logic errors and
incomplete solutions becomes our way of life. It defines us.

But our engineering strength is also our social weakness.
Countless times as engineers you will find yourself
interrupting someone telling a story, an anecdote or a joke
to correct a false assumption, provide an extra fact that the
narrator overlooked, give a bigger perspective on the problem
or point out that the joke premise is actually flawed.

You can identify this behavior because the person
interrupting usually starts with the phrase "Well,
actually...".

As a kid, I thought this was my strength. I knew a little
bit more than my sister. So whenever she would say something,
I would quickly interject something like "Well, actually, the
origin of the word Shih Tzu means Lion Dog and has nothing to
do with the dog's digestive patterns".

Yes, I was really fun to hang out with.

As a child, I wondered why my sister could make friends and
keep them so easily, while I could not. It would take me
years to discover this. And now, as a public service I am
sharing with you, my fellow geek friends, what I learned.

Whoever pulls a "well, actually" almost always shifts the
conversation to himself. And now we are no longer following
along with your friend's joke, we get to learn how much more
you know about the limitations of the Sun Protection Factor
scale in sunblock products.

You are doing it wrong

As a seasoned engineer, you need to learn control your
impulses. Having dealt with my own well, actually
problem, I can attest that adjusting this social behavior
might even get you laid.

Jokes are funny because they surprise us. But a joke is
not funny if you have to present a 30-page document setting up
every little detail. An ill-placed "Well, actually" will get
your colleagues to abandon in an instant the water cooler
conversation and escape to the peaceful solitude of their
workstations.

Range of Action

You can find full-time well-actually folks both in person
or monitoring your every quip on twitter.

Even the most rudimentary of the well-actuallistas
is able to spoil even the best Ricky Gervais material.

Twitter being a medium limited to 140 character is like
catnip for patronizing douchebags. They can not resist the
urge to point out logic flaws in your minimalist observation.

This is particularly a problem for those of us that love to
tweet things that amuse us or that we find amusing. Fear of a
barrage of factoids from an omitted detail can be paralyzing.

Dealing with the Well Actually crowd

The well-actually crowd wants as much as everyone
else to participate in the conversation. They want to be
loved.

But instead of rolling with the punches and participating
in a brainstorm of ideas and exploding humor, they contribute
interruptions, facts and details that merely produce stop
energy on an ongoing discussion. They turn the center of
attention towards them.

The well-actually crowd means well. They want to be
loved, they just have not realized that they are undermining
their own quest for
friends.

If you are a sagacious well-actuallista you need to
understand that you are not outwitting anyone. It takes more
intelligence to build a joke, tell a funny anecdote or narrate
a gripping story than it takes to nitpick.

You are not impressing anyone with your hard earned
encyclopedic knowledge that you obtained by spending hours on
the Internet. You are just making everyone around you realize
that you are as much fun to have lunch with as a flaming turd
in a bag.

Those of us in the receiving end of a well-actually,
need to start an awareness campaign. Perhaps using Twibbons to
cure this disease. Unlike many diseases, this awareness
program will lead to a cure.