[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler
enters.]

Chandler: Hey babe.

Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they
dont like us do they? (They gave them a polka-dotted punch bowl.)

Chandler: Who says you cant get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks?
Maybe we can take it back?

Monica: No, it doesnt say where it came from. Where would we return it?

Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?

Monica: We can't do that. What if they come back
for a visit?

Chandler: Let's cross that bridge when my aunt
and uncle who I haven't seen in 15 years drop by unexpectedly and demand a
gigantic bowl of punch.

Monica: Why dont we just find a place for it?

Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?

Monica: No! Thats where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely
forgotten everything you learned at orientation?

Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the
bathroom.)

Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why dont you let me do it?

Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and
relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.)
Its locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?

Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.

Chandler: Oh yknow, Ive been living here a while and Ive never
seen whats inside that closet. What is, what is in there?

Monica: Feminine stuff.

Chandler: Dont try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!

Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me
you-youll let it go.

Chandler: Fine.

Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)

Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.

Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!

Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like
three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said,
"If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)

Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thats it! Thats
it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh (Covers both
ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler has a box of keys and is trying them on the
secret closet when someone enters.]

Chandler: I wasnt trying to open your closet! I wasnt trying to open
your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)

Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?

Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she wont let me see whats
in it.

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: I dont know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I
cant see?!

Joey: I dont know. Ooh, I bet its Richard.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Before you say i'm wrong, let me ask you
something: when was the last time you saw him?

Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?

Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe she’s having her cake and
eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too.

Chandler: That was off the top of your head?

Joey: Yeah. Or!

Chandler: And here we go

Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was
behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs
came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yknow it wouldnt kill ya to
respect your wifes privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the
door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!

Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I
dontWhoa!! (Winces in pain.)

Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, dont worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant
they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.

Rachel: Really?

Joey: Absolutely. But, were gonna stop by the hospital just to be
sure, okay? Ill page Ross on the way. Come on.

Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, heres some information
on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by
bringing her in. Youre gonna make a wonderful father.

Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He
brought Twizlers!

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey and Chandler are still working on the door.]

Chandler: There has got to be a way!

Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, Im not an nine-year-old
girl.

Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any
day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found
that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justI wish I didnt feel this way
about Rachel anymore, yknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love
living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think I
think Ross feels left out. Yknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the
doctor thought I was the father. God You shouldve seen the look on Rosss
face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Im doing here. For all I know Im
just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?

Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to
the hospital? Yknow? Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring
an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby.

Rachel: Yeah, Ill be fine. But could someone please make sure that
sandwich is gone when I get out there?

Joey: Im on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)

Ross: I cant believe this! I shouldnt be the one making her throw
up!

Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.

Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I dont know any of it
and Im the father. I wish Id be more involved yknow.

Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.

Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Whats up?

Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.

Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?

Joey: The thing is cause I live with Rachel Im here for a lot
of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross Ross is missing everything. So

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: Maybe you two should live together.

Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?

Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that if
youre gonna have a roommate, yknow it might as well be the father.

Rachel: But Joey, I dont think Ross wants me to move into his apartment
and disrupt his life like that. I mean(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)Or
he does.

Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just
try it like on a temporary basis.

Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!

Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldnt be anything romantic. And
Im-Im dating MonaDamnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour
ago! What is wrong with me?!

Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?

Rachel: Living with the father of the baby is a
little conventional for us.

Ross: hey, you always have liked my building.
And... there's more room, I mean, you could have a closet deicated to shoes.

Rachel: Oh, you do know your audience I dont know. Is it crazy?

Ross: No! No its not. Joey, this is a smart idea.

Joey: Well, I was due.

Rachel: Okay, lets do it. Ill move in.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Oh Rach thats great. Thats great. (They hug and Joey breathes
a sigh of relief.) And you know what, don't worry about
any of the moving, I'll take care of everything. In fact, I'll start right now
(starts to take his jacket off.)

Joey: Ross, Ross. Mona?

Ross: Unbelievable. (leaves)

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is pounding out the hinge pins on the closet
door to get it open.]

Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself using my wifes
tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whats behind the
green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!

Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!

Chandler: (laughs) Youre messy.

Monica: Oh no! You werent supposed to see this!

Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!

Monica: No Chandler, you dont understand!
You know how I organise everything? Right, well this is all of the stuff that
doesn't fit into any category. So you see, I'm not messy I'm justso
organised that... (Chandler starts singing the
theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay!
Fine! Now you know. Okay? Im yknow Im sick.

Chandler: No, honey youre not sick! Look, I dont love you because
youre organized, I love you in spite of that.

Monica: Really? You promise you wont tell anyone?

Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around
can we, can we share the closet.

Monica: Well its just umm Im afraid you might mess it up.

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey is drinking a gallon of orange juice as Chandler
enters.]

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: So Rachels all moved out huh? How are you taking it?

Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because
Rachel couldnt stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice
with calcium though. And uh, its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so
its got a bit of a kick.

Chandler: Are you okay?

Joey: Are you kidding me? Im great! Yeah, Im uh; Im better
than great. I am good. And now that shes gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff
around here that I couldnt do before. Yknow? Like umm, I can walk around naked
again. Yknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this
is good for me. Yknow? I like being on my own, Im uh, better off this way.
Im uh, a lone wolf. Yknow? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whats a
wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's Apartment, Phoebe is giving Monica another massage.]

Monica: Ohhh.

Phoebe: Thats it. Just relax.

Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!

Phoebe: Come on more!

Monica: Oh God!

Phoebe: Yeah, you like that dont you?

Monica: Oh yeah right there!

Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby!

Monica: Uh Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what
she’s doing.) And now I’m going to cover you back up, and umm won't be speaking
with you for several weeks.