Month: May 2016

Lichfield constituents will now have to go online to book an appointment with their MP Michael Fabricant through the National Rail Enquiries website.

Lichfield constituency office (c)Michael Fabricant

Previously only available by written application penned with a swan’s quill on the finest vellum and handed to a barista at Caffe Nero, these surgery appointments have proven to be rather too bothersome. Mr Fabricant explained:

‘It was proving just too popular, some weeks I’d have see up to three plebeians pleading their worthless causes. It was outrageous, turning up to interrupt my long-weekend break with moans and groans about trivial parochial issues – no health provision in Burntwood; appalling social housing conditions in the Dimbles; or, best of all, the sell-off of the Friary Library, what a joke, they can’t even read.

‘Well, local issues affecting people who don’t vote for me are of no interest and frankly it’s an unwelcome distraction from my camp Twitter innuendo sessions with a piping hot grande Americano.’

Our local member expects that the new booking arrangements, managed by National Rail Enquiries, will ensure that only issues relating to rail travel to and from London Euston on a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday evening will be raised. Mr Fabricant elaborated:

‘Constituents can go online, type in their West Coast Mainline or HS2 concerns and National Rail will book a reservation with me on the London/Lichfield line. But remember, it’s first come first served – there’s only one 2 minute slot available per journey. And at a ticket price of £250 I think that’s real value for money.’

“Intensely irritating” slight delay at Euston (c) Michael Fabricant

Mr Fabricant regularly challenges @LondonMidland on matters of grave concern to his constituents, he has tweeted:

“Is vaping allowed on @LondonMidland trains? On Sunday, there were thick white fumes in my part of the train. Ugghhh!”

“Intensely irritating getting the message that @LondonMidland 14.46 EUS > Crewe is boarding then left on platform!”

The Lichfield MP has also called for a new HS2 station to be located by his home on The Close and for the new line to link up with Eurostar. The vociferous Brexit campaigner commented:

‘HS2 ought to have a complete rethink. The route is completely flawed. If it joined up with Eurostar we could deport migrants much more efficiently. What you have to ask is, if he had been in charge what would Hitler have done?’

A planning application to convert agricultural land into a campsite complete with ‘glamping pods’ on Abnalls Lane has attracted fierce opposition.

Local damp and mould campaigner Bessy Banks from the neighbouring Bromford Housing settlement in Lichfield North said:

‘We just don’t need these pretend camp-lite sites in our area. If you’re looking for break with all the comforts of home, then stay at home. If you’re looking for a real-life back-to-nature outdoor experience come and spend a night in my house.

‘We grow mushrooms in our bedrooms you know. Stick that in your vape and smoke it.’

Objections have also been raised by Dr Nathaniel Braun, principal of the Maple Hayes Dilysxea School which adjoins the proposed hippy commune. He said:

‘It’s not the ridiculous beards and smug arrogance of these affluent, middle-class, white, politically-progressive, artisan food-loving millennials that’s the problem.

‘It’s the fact that “glamping” isn’t even a real word. Here at Maple Hayes we have enough problems with real words without struggling with invented ones.’

Lichfield Police have expressed concerns about the integration of hipster teenagers into the local community. Recently re-elected Staffordshire Police and Crime Commissioner Clyde Ellis said:

‘Hipster families can cause real problems when they move into an area. Unlike normal travellers they refuse to use the local fields and watercourses for washing and defecation, preferring to migrate into town to ablute in our pubs and restaurants. This puts a real strain on local facilities; the disabled toilet at The Malt is particularly vulnerable especially in warm weather.

‘Public order issues are also worrying. Hipster youngsters wandering around Beacon Park with their books, floppy hair and wispy facial hair are just asking for a thump in the throat, admittedly a traditional Lichfield greeting invented by our MP, but unwelcome nonetheless.’

Petplan, the UK pet insurance provider, is to introduce health insurance for pet owners’ families as part of its premier level cover, offering “long-term peace of mind for your dog, your cat and now your children”.

Petplan marketing manager Paul Mycock commented:

‘We have noticed an increasing number of pet owners pleading with their vets for timely medical advice and minor surgical procedures not only for their pets but also for themselves and their families.’

Driven by increasing frustration with the NHS delays, whether trying to get a GP appointment or an early date for an operation, patients are turning to man’s best friend’s health providers for a solution.
Mum of five under fives Britney Singleton is unimpressed, she said:

‘If the dog is scratching at his ear I can call the vet, make an appointment and get him sorted within two hours. If one of the kids has an ear infection we’ll have to wait a week to see a doctor. During the winter I call the surgery for an appointment even if no-one’s ill, just in case.’
Local vet John Rothschild commented:

‘With affordable pet insurance cover now available for all the family vets will be able to relieve the pressure on our NHS colleagues. If your kids need worming just bring them along.’
Pippa Greenflange, long suffering wife of a Lichfield Roundtabler is excited by these developments, she said:

‘I’ve been trying to get Pete booked in for a vasectomy for months but he still hasn’t been given a date. I’ve bought myself a dog just so that I can get the pet insurance for the whole family. Pete’s booked in at Rothschild’s Friday morning.’
Mr Rothschild welcomed the new patient:

‘Pete should be back home by lunchtime, it’s just a routine procedure, castration.’

Lichfield parents say they will be sending their children to school tomorrow (May 3) despite a planned national day of action with thousands of primary-aged youngsters expected to stay at home.
The renegade parents realise that their children are being “tested, overworked and stressed out by school” but that they don’t care because their kids are smart enough to take it and accept it as a character building experience to prepare them for the real world of the 2020’s.

A new Midlands group was inspired by the national ‘Let Kids Be Kids Forever And Ever’ campaign has petitioned against the SATs examinations.

Lichfield mum of five under fives, Britney Singleton, will be joining the strike, she said:

‘I’m passionate about my children’s education so I won’t be sending them to school.

‘I’m not anti-testing I just don’t want my children to be tested.

‘I find the whole SATS process very stressful, due largely to the competitiveness of the parents. It’s bringing gobby touchline parenting off the playing field into the classroom and I just can’t take it any more.

‘The tests are far too difficult for many parents and I worry about my children being singled out and bullied just because they have a stupid mum.’

The new SATs exams mean children as young as five are now completely oblivious to the fact that their teachers are being tested on their professional competence.

Paula Mycock, a mum of two from Fradley, said she would be sending her children to school tomorrow as usual, she said:

‘I have to work for a living and have a life. I ask myself, will taking a day off work to look after the kids make any difference to national education policy? So I’ll be on the 07.24 train to Birmingham tomorrow as usual.’

Photograph from The Guardian showing parent and child unconnected with this article