Monday, September 14, 2009

Relationship Dynamics

One of the most important realizations I've come to with regards to being married, is to gain a very real understanding of the role in which my relationship dynamic plays in the long-term state of our cohabitation.

And it is the underlying assumption I've tried to impart to other people in the discussion of "Game" in a long-term relationship or marriage. It is the most important thing I've gleaned from studying on Game, and I've been trying to come up with a much simpler way of expressing this idea I've put into practice and has improved my own marriage in a very profound way.

To put it simply, you need to look at your interactions with your wife/girlfriend and ask yourself a question: does my behavior or conversations with her resemble a relationship between a man and a woman that desires him...or does it resemble a little boy afraid of upsetting his mother?

In my opinion, this is the very "essence" of LTR game...the defining distinction between acting "beta" or "alpha." It is in effect, the diametrically opposing dynamic between Patriarchy and Matriarchy.

In other words, the old joke "Who wears the Pants in the family?" But this question, which often is used to elicit laughter, is no laughing matter. I've come to understand that it is actually the primary determinant of whether or not a relationship will last...if the woman will end up cheating and/or divorcing. Eventually, most women will have a deep-seated, visceral contempt for a man that acts as if he is her child...and that extends to all other areas of attraction and bonding.

And our current cultural paradigm is certainly a matriarchal-focused one in ways to innumerable to list. But the attitude is certainly ubiquitous. Take Dr. Helen's latest blog posting, Lies or Self-Preservation?

I was listening to Neal Boortz this morning and heard him talking about new research that shows men lie twice as much as women. I thought his point was good. Boortz felt that men were probably "lying" to their wives in response to questions such as "Do I look fat?" And indeed, when I looked through the main reasons men lied, most had to do with placating women:

1. Nothing's wrong, I'm fine

2. This will be my last pint

3. No, your bum doesn't look big in that

4. I had no signal

5. My battery died

6. Sorry, I missed your call

7. I didn't have that much to drink

8. I'm on my way

9. It wasn't that expensive

10. I'm stuck in traffic

I think that often men lie because they will get a very severe response from women if they tell the truth. For example, if a woman says, "What's wrong?" and rather than reply, "I'm fine," the man says, "You are driving me crazy and I need some time away from you," there is a good chance the woman will make him pay dearly for the remark. I don't know about you, rather than lies, I think many of these quips are more like self-preservation.

I think Dr. Helen is correct, that men often lie for fear of upsetting their wives/girlfriends. But the way in which Dr. Helen has posted this, it seems that she is implying that this somehow excuses or mitigates the gender perception of who lies more? I know Dr. Helen is an avowed anti-misandrist, and often tries to look at topics of conversation and tries to point out obvious misandry...but in this instance, the most relevant thing about the observation that men "lie" more than women is not "WHICH GENDER LIES MORE" but rather, how many men find themselves in relationships in which the dynamic is Matriarchal versus Patriarchal...

...or "WHO'S AFRAID OF THEIR MOMMY."

If you find yourself lying to your wife or girlfriend out of fear that you will upset her, you are catering to her emotional state. You are in fact, acting FEMININE.

A healthy relationship is one in which their is BALANCE between masculinity and femininity. So by you acting feminine, you are throwing your relationship out of balance...and whether you realize it or not, you are sowing the seeds for future discord. One attribute I think we can say about Masculinity is calm, assertive confidence. Would a calm, assertive and confident man feel the need to lie because his woman might get upset?

Women's base sexual nature is to lust for dominant males. If you let her dominate, she will build contempt for you, and it will kill her attraction for you...which will make your relationship much more vulnerable for the old "I'm just not in love with you anymore" or "I'm just not happy" or "I don't know if I can do this anymore!"

To take another look at Dr. Helen's list of common "lies" men tell their wives or girlfriends:

1. Nothing's wrong, I'm fine

What he should have said: "I'm not in a good mood, and I don't feel like talking about it. I'll talk to you about it when I'm ready."

2. This will be my last pint

What he should have said: "I'm having a few drinks. I'll be home when I'm done."

3. No, your bum doesn't look big in that

What he should have said (with great, sarcastic exaggeration for effect): "Your ass looks HYYYUUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE! We better not wear that to the beach, you might be mistakenly harpooned as a blubber seal!" Than he should've spanked her ass and walked away.

4. I had no signal

5. My battery died

6. Sorry, I missed your call

These last three all relate to a man purposely not answering his phone because he's afraid of what his woman will say to him when he answers. He's afraid of telling her the truth. In short, he's the little boy pretending he doesn't hear his Mom calling for him to get home because he's having too much fun on the playground.

A man confident in his masculinity and role in the relationship should have no fear of answering the phone and telling his woman exactly what he is doing. If she's gonna get upset that you are enjoying yourself...so what?

7. I didn't have that much to drink

What he should've said: "Yeah, I've had a few drinks...I'm feeling pretty good!"

8. I'm on my way

What he should've said: See you when I get home.

9. It wasn't that expensive

What he should've said: Nothing. If you're the man, and you make the majority of the money in the relationship, you have no reason to justify any expenditure of the money you earned.

10. I'm stuck in traffic

What he should've said: I'm running late...I've been enjoying myself and lost track of time. See ya soon.

I'm positive that there are many men that simply cannot conceive of ever talking to their woman like that...hell, I was one of 'em.

What I've come to understand is this: acting Beta...MADE ME A DISHONEST LIAR.

Some guys try to say 'acting Beta' is just being "nice" and that women are unreasonable or screwed up in the head because they are "acting bitchy" when a guy is "acting nice."

Nothing could be further from the truth. Acting Beta, and living in fear of her emotional state MAKES YOU A DISHONEST WEASEL that in the long run, she cannot respect, lust or love. You are not a Man of your WORD if you are acting like this.

Even if you know a straight, direct answer will upset her, you need to realize that all women are much more influenced by their emotional state than you ever will be. If you think your goal for a "happy relationship" is to try and never upset her, I've got news for you: women will ALWAYS become upset about something or another.

It's up to YOU to be the stable, calming influence, to compliment that emotional roller coaster - to balance out her Feminine emotional-influenced state of mind with your calm, confident expression of logic-grounded masculinity.

Attraction and respect from her can endure and even grow despite her being upset with you for staying out late a few times. But I assure you, any woman whose man uses ANY of those 10 "lies" Dr. Helen listed, SHE KNOWS YOU ARE LYING.

By trying to appease her with these lies, you are fooling nobody but yourself, you're killing her respect for you, and you are killing her attraction for you.

Better to let her get mad at you for a awhile because you're out having a few drinks with your friends and lost track of time...but still have her respect you for being a man, being truthful, and not cowering in fear of her emotional anger.

When dealing with your wife or girlfriend in any manner, you can analyze your actions and behavior by asking yourself which relationship dynamic are you engaged in?

"Is this what a man would do...or what a child would do trying to avoid punishment from his mother?"

If it's the former, you may have an upset woman to deal with for a little while, but so what? That's life living with a being that is much more influenced by her emotional state! There are much worse things in this life than an upset woman...like a woman that DESPISES the spineless, sackless, wimp that she has to mother.

If you're following the latter dynamic, you ARE most assuredly heading towards a bad ending, whether it be a divorce or a sexless marriage full of contempt for the man-child she doesn't respect or lust...afterall, what normal, sane woman is sexaully attracted to her SON? Because if you are acting like a child, she is acting like a parent by default.

Much has been debated as of late between the MGTOW/the So-Cons/ and the Roissy-sphere regarding "game" and morality, and whether or not their is any relevance with regards to Roissy's "PUA" philosophy and long term relationships. There are two rules that Roissy listed in his "Sixteen Commandments of Poon," that are true and speak to ANY relationship with a woman...whether you're a hedonistic cad looking to pump and dump or you are a man married for 20 years:

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

22 comments:

girl from over the pond
said...

I just read your post and thought back over the relationships I have had (not that many to be sure as I'm only in my twenties) and I realise that I have always wondered why my boyfriends are so afraid to make me upset? They can't prevent me being upset about something. I can't be happy all the time, it just doesnt work. Sometimes I need to be upset about something and I am more than happy for him to put me in my place if i'm being unreasonable. Or just not go along with my mood. But at least allow me to have my mood when I need it - and not control me be lying and being "nice".

You are absolutely right, I respect a man who does not placate me much more than one who lies to keep me happy. It is the difference between being a man and a boy.

Besides, after I've been upset and had my drama I'm usually in the mood to make it all good again. Don't deprive us both of that!

Worst advice I ever got from my father. He said, 'If you're woman is happy, you'll be happy.' Total crock of shit. As you say, that's responding to her emotions as opposed to being the man and leading.

Alkibiades, there is an alpha way to interpret that advice, and a beta way. No doubt your dad meant it in the beta way. The alpha interpretation is consistent with what Dave says here: if you act like a man, your woman will be "happy" (even if she's having a tizzy about some goddamn thing or other) and thus ultimately you'll be happy too.

We really need more men to stand up to women like this. Of course, to do this a man must be prepared to dump her sorry ass when needed. After all, women aren't robots only responding to male input. Being a spineless wimp gets a man nowhere, but it doesn't change the fact that when a woman's a bitch, she's a bitch.

So right on acting like her little boy, HL. Well said. Mostly right on the answers.

#2 and #8 shouldn't count - they are often not lies when we say them. I've said them and meant them at the time. But then someone ordered another round and...#3 - doesn't matter what you say. It's how you say it. Make a joke or a judgement, but first take a second and look at her outfit and bum. She's HANDING you what the PUAs call "higher value" on a platter in inviting you to judge her. Do so instead of trying to hurry her up (in my experience the more likely you are to be late, the more likely you are to be asked this).

If she goes off on you for an honest answer, a lot of times the best response is a raised eyebrow and/or an amused grin. -Dex

I agree that a husband should strive to maintain state control when his wife is out of control. Similarly, the wife should maintain state control when he loses it. It is unreasonable to expect a man to never lose control. It will happen.

My husband and I have checked each other, "just leave now and I'll tend to it." The kids watch this and benefit from having at least one parent in control of the situation.

KG: Do you find that when it comes to making decisions as the husband (I'm guessing major financial decisions would qualify?), you still have to run game in order to persuade your wife? Or has your game been so successful that she submits to your authority without a word? Do you ask for her input or opinion, or consult her with words like "I'm thinking of doing x, what do you think?"

Sometimes she's unhappy with my decisions, and sometimes she's just fine with them. The important thing is, whether she agrees or not, I tell her why I make the decisions I do so that there is no misunderstanding.

And many times, she will influence my decision. If she suggests something and I can see that she is correct, I have no problem taking her advice and giving her the credit she deserves for it too.

But whether I'm right or wrong, she always goes along with it.

I don't force anything. I've told her this is what I'm going to do, you can come along or not.

I just came across your blog. This is powerful stuff, it explains a lot. I married a strong non-American woman 8 years ago and have been wondering why she lost respect for me. I am already researching and implementing this, even if it's too late to turn things around I might at least end up divorced as a man and not as a scared bitch.

Brilliant work. You tackled a subject that can be difficult to explain and yet you did so very clearly! You managed to lay out your theory without it sounding chauvenistic, rude, OR like some sort of victimization.

Some bloggers go overboard with the aggression flavor and their stuff starts to sound like they just believe in treating women like second class citizens. I did NOT get that feeling from your blog at all! You seem to be genuinely trying to understand this romantic human interaction and find a win-win situation... And I agree with you.

Men and women are wired differently, and in my opinion men need to lead and women need to let them. I want a partnership sure but love requires a little yin and yang... Be soft and feminine self (whatever that means for you) and let him be your strong and steady.. The protector and safe place. Chances are both people will be more satisfied in the long run.

Keoni, this was I believe the first post I read of yours about 18 months ago, I forget what trail I followed that linked me here, but it literally changed my life. Through this I went on to MMSL and on to devour most of your blog roll on a regular basis. As a married man with kids, there aren't many resources so your (too few) posts on the subject were a god-send and Athol's message like that of a prophet. I don't always agree with the tone and messages in this universe, but enough truth is here that applies to my situation that the changes I've made have solidified something that perhaps was going down the wrong road. Recently started sharing my own message as well as an average married dad... Just wanted to thanks for opening up mine, and probably countless others, eyes. Keep speaking the truth on other topics as well, you're one of the good ones.

I love my girlfriend and we are planing to get married but I find myself constantly hiding my emotions when her behavior upsets me just so we don't end up in a discussion.. we both work on on a cruise ship and her job is very hard, she is always tired (for sex, for example)but but still goes to the gym after work..if i tell her i want a kiss or a hug, she rolls her eyes and says im being annoying... sex is scarce (month spaced sometimes).. any practical advises for me?