A while back I had a friend who was trying to convince his nephew that Monogamy was the best choice before marriage. My friend asked me to write up something to help him. This was the result:

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I believe that God invented sex, and that he intended for it to work in certain ways. One of those was pair-bonding.

In animal species where the primary point of sex is reproduction, the female goes into "heat" when she is ovulating, accompanied by some easily determined signal to the male that she is ready.

That is the pattern for most animals. There are a few exceptions that work more like humanity though, and do not have any obvious way for a male to determine if a female is ovulating. In these species, the primary purpose of sex is NOT reproduction. (Not denying that reproduction IS one of the purposes, but its not the PRIMARY purpose) The primary purpose is Bonding, strengthening ties between individuals. And thats the way humans use sex as well. In humans, the primary purpose of sex is to tie a husband and wife closely together, both physically and emotionally.

That's why God insisted upon virginity before marriage, and strict monogamy afterwards. He DESIGNED sex, he knows how it is supposed to work, and He knows that a couple that has sex, any couple, undergoes irreversible mental changes involved in pair-bonding. Let me start at the beginning so we can get a better understanding of this.

We were all born with certain genetic predispositions as to what kind of partners we would find attractive (like in my case, girls) That was later expanded greatly upon by our environment.

What we found exciting in the opposite sex was altered by our developing personalities, the way our parents got along, the way they looked, auto-erotic activity, the clothes the kid next door wore, what kind of flowers grew outside of your bedroom window, who knows what all went into the mix?

One way or another you end up a virgin with an opinion of what you like. But that perspective is still largely pliable and undeveloped. There are things you, as yet, have no strong preferences about. Things that you never questioned whether you would like them, sometimes because you didn't even know they existed.

But when we actually become sexually experienced, we discover that our sexuality is shaped by those we share it with.

Back in 1903, Ivan Pavlov published the results of an interesting experiment he had done. It was a study of dogs and their digestive systems. When a dog sees or smells food, it starts salivating (drooling). And that saliva signals the stomach to start getting ready to digest the food. This is an "INNATE" reflex. It's built in. The dog doesn't have to think about it or learn it, if they see food, they drool, and their stomach gets ready to digest.

But Pavlov thought he might be able to get something more interesting than an innate reflex. So every day, when it was time to feed the dogs, he rang a bell. And, after a while, he created a "CONDITIONED" reflex. When he rang the bell, the dogs would salivate, even if there was no food present. The dogs had learned to associate the bell with food. And their bodies RESPONDED to that stimulus, automatically. That "automatically" is an important point. The dog was not in "control" of this response, their brains had CHANGED in such a manner that the response was now burned into their neural pathways and happened as reflexively as the natural innate response. When you rang the bell, the dog drooled. It couldn't stop it if it wanted too.

You can develop a conditioned reflex in any animal who's brain is complex enough to associate two different stimuli. And people have the most complex brains on this planet, which makes it VERY easy for us to develop conditioned reflexes. We rely upon it. It's how we learn many important reactions needed for survival.

But the topic was sex, how does this whole Pavlov thing tie into sex? Quite directly. Sex is just about the most powerful stimulus most humans will ever experience. It's VERY good at creating conditioned reflexes, which is why I said that our sexuality is shaped by those we share it with. Not just influenced, but SHAPED. We are changed by sex, our brains actually alter and we develop new reflexes based on what happens during sex.

For example, when I was a young man, I only had one serious preference in women. They had to be female. I didn't much care if they were plump or skinny, short or tall, blonde, brunette or redhead, double A or double D. If it was female, it would probably catch my eye.

Now I've been married 19 years, and things have changed drastically. It's NOT that I never notice a pretty woman walking down the street. And I still think ALL women are beautiful. But, funny thing, when a woman grabs my attention now, she is most likely built in a similar fashion to my wife.

My tastes have narrowed, and in a very reasonable and predictable way. It's simple Pavlovian conditioning. And that is NOT a bad thing. It's the way sex was MEANT to work.

For 19 years I've been TRAINED to associate my wife's shape, her walk, her voice, her hair, the way she kisses, and the way she makes love, EVERYTHING about my wife, with intense pleasure. I don't have to THINK about it, I don't have to concentrate on it, it's burned into my neural pathways now. I associate the way my wife looks and acts, with pleasure. My body responds to her, automatically.

This bias is a part of me now, and if my wife divorced me tomorrow, my sexual preferences would not change. Any new intimate relationship I tried to develop would have to get over the handicap that my body now responds MUCH more strongly to women of a certain height, build, and shape. That I have developed a particular style of lovemaking aimed at pleasing one particular woman, not women in general. Every difference between my new love and the old would be a barrier that had to be gotten over. A rough spot in the relationship that had to be sanded down. And the truth is that I would NEVER be able to fully eliminate the changes my wife made in my brain. They will always be there.

A virgin making love for the first time is learning a new art form, but this is an art that requires two, and the virgin is learning to play counter-beat to someone else's rhythm.

Every time a couple makes love, they learn a little bit more about each other, they actually change to become a little bit better fitted to each other.

If the lovers later take on new partners, they will have to start the learning process all over again, but this time with much stronger predispositions that have to be ground down or built up to match their new partners needs.

Every time someone switches lovers, they leave behind a little bit of themselves molded into the old partner's psyche, and take a little bit of that person along with them, making it, after a time, very difficult to ever achieve a real 'fit' with anyone at all.

Just think of the incredible advantage a couple has if they decide to remain virgins until they get married. No preconceived notions, no habits built up with other lovers. Instead of the husband remembering OTHER women's breasts, he'll be learning to associate his wife's breasts, whatever their size and shape, with pleasure. Instead of the wife having an internal debate about whether she prefers her men circumcised or uncircumcised, she'll be learning to associate her husband, whatever the status of his foreskin, with pleasure.

And MOST important of all, neither partner will be trying to adjust to the fact that their new lover has different taste from their previous ones. No, "Oh, but so and so did this!", or "Ooo, yuck! Who taught you to do THAT?" Instead, they will be learning to make love TOGETHER. They will be building up a style of lovemaking that is unique and particularly their own. A style uncontaminated by OTHERS wants and needs, but focused ONLY on pleasing the two of them. They will be becoming experts, not on sex in general, but on the specific and unique erotic needs and desires of their partner.

All of this nonsense about 'trying out sex to see if you're compatible' is exactly that, nonsense. No couple is truly compatible until they've been making love for fifty years. Then their sexualitys will be so well shaped to each other that the caresses of the best trained courtesan who can quote the Kama Sutra backwards and forward will not compare to the ecstasies they can achieve.

If you really want to enjoy sex, wait until you are married, stay married, and of course, once you are married, practice, practice, practice!

It's just a topic I feel passionate about. I think today's youth are being sold short on their sexuality. They've been fed the line that anyone who waits until marriage to have sex is "missing out" on lots of good stuff, when in actuality it's the other way around. Those who settle for cheap, casual, promiscuous sex are missing out on the incredible erotic ecstasies that God intended for the sanctified marriage bed. The true and complete blending, not just of bodies, but of souls.

It's as if the kids had been told to load up on anemic, half green, store bought tomatoes, even though a whole bowl of vine ripe, juicy, garden grown tomatoes are waiting just around the corner. <sigh>

It's just a topic I feel passionate about. I think today's youth are being sold short on their sexuality. They've been fed the line that anyone who waits until marriage to have sex is "missing out" on lots of good stuff, when in actuality it's the other way around. Those who settle for cheap, casual, promiscuous sex are missing out on the incredible erotic ecstasies that God intended for the sanctified marriage bed. The true and complete blending, not just of bodies, but of souls.

It's as if the kids had been told to load up on anemic, half green, store bought tomatoes, even though a whole bowl of vine ripe, juicy, garden grown tomatoes are waiting just around the corner. <sigh>

1. Don't be so humble! Your writing is AMAZING! I actually used this in a converstation with a friend that wasn't Christian and therefor didn't see the reason. She has made fun of me and FH when it came out that we didn't have sex yet. She totaly couldn't understand why. I explained it to her the best I could, but nothing was better than your writting!!!!!

2. I agree about the youth of today (being one of them myself). I see so many of my friends screwed up big time. They didn't wait and now have soo much baggage. Some of them had kids just after high school even though they weren't married. I see it as sooo sad. They are cheating themselves and their kids and their Future.

Thank you for your amazing "article". I don't know if it will help my friend, but if anything. . . it made it so she understands me and my FH.

btw143 wrote:I don't know if it will help my friend, but if anything. . . it made it so she understands me and my FH.

Well, I'm glad it might have been of help. And thank you for trying to spread the word! It's not easy to stand up for what you believe when it's unpopular. You and the other young people who are trying to stay pure, and telling others about it, are great witnesses.

lalala2004 wrote:Makes me so glad that I've waited to have sex until I was married (5 more days!!!!)

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! And I'm quite certain you will find the honeymoon was WELL worth the wait!

dwgriff wrote:Besides, monogamy is simpler and cheaper.

True, the penalty for Bigamy is having two mother-in-laws. (I get along with my Mother-in-law just great, but I STILL think that joke is funny)

Great job. In addition to the physical aspects, God also honors our fidelity and efforts so that the "one-ness" He forges for a couple in Christ is even deeper and richer as their emotional and spiritual 'bodies' are melded as well.

Kilarin wrote: For 19 years I've been TRAINED to associate my wife's shape, her walk, her voice, her hair, the way she kisses, and the way she makes love, EVERYTHING about my wife, with intense pleasure. I don't have to THINK about it, I don't have to concentrate on it, it's burned into my neural pathways now. I associate the way my wife looks and acts, with pleasure. My body responds to her, automatically.

This bias is a part of me now, and if my wife divorced me tomorrow, my sexual preferences would not change. Any new intimate relationship I tried to develop would have to get over the handicap that my body now responds MUCH more strongly to women of a certain height, build, and shape. That I have developed a particular style of lovemaking aimed at pleasing one particular woman, not women in general. Every difference between my new love and the old would be a barrier that had to be gotten over. A rough spot in the relationship that had to be sanded down. And the truth is that I would NEVER be able to fully eliminate the changes my wife made in my brain. They will always be there.

A virgin making love for the first time is learning a new art form, but this is an art that requires two, and the virgin is learning to play counter-beat to someone else's rhythm.

Every time a couple makes love, they learn a little bit more about each other, they actually change to become a little bit better fitted to each other.

If the lovers later take on new partners, they will have to start the learning process all over again, but this time with much stronger predispositions that have to be ground down or built up to match their new partners needs.

For fifteen years I was married and made love to one woman. It was a strife filled, sexually dysfunctional marriage which ending I don't regret.

But, I had to deal with exactly the issues you described here.

Fortunately, I had my God to trust this time as I sought a wife after the divorce was final. And the first thing he showed me was that I had to get past looking for someone that reminded me physically of my ex.
Because even though I had no love left for my ex, for needing to kill it in me when she decided to end our marriage (a love between a husband and wife being conditional) I realized I had to get past the body type I was now attracted to!

Which my wife's body type is a lot different than my ex's!

(Hubbba! Hubba!)

And yes we had a lot of unlearning to do after we were married!

For she was married before and was somewhat promiscuous after her divorce before she became a believer.

Our first year was mostly spent with me unlearning and relearning not just how to make love to her but in how I felt she perceived me.
I had developed conditioned responses to certian words and phrases and facial expressions that, comming from my ex meant one thing, usually negative in nature, but, coming from my precious one meant something different and that usually positive in nature.

After three years of disappointments during this learning time we are only now, within the last year, begining to be able to express our love sexually in a 'natural' way.

And I will add this: It took me several months of close, personal contact before I could begin to appreciate my wife's natural scent.

And that came from the deep appreciation I had developed and carried in my memory for my ex's scent.

Fortunately, as you pointed out, Jehovah designed us to be able to adapt sexually to each other so that a deep appreciation (*sigh*) has developed naturally for my precious ones scent, just as I was designed to do

All said, Kilarin, to lend support, albeit anecdotally, to your very well written synopisis of why virginity is important before marriage and monogamy after.

For indeed, as you said and as I am proof, good sex can only be developed between two and that only with practice, practice, practice!

Peace to you and yours.

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often."-Winston Churchill

"Therefore, you be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect."-Jesus Christ

Eleutheros wrote:Fortunately, as you pointed out, Jehovah designed us to be able to adapt sexually to each other so that a deep appreciation (*sigh*) has developed naturally for my precious ones scent, just as I was designed to do

Thank goodness we have a God who can help us through all of our difficulties and into great relationships!

Eleutheros wrote:I am proof, good sex can only be developed between two and that only with practice, practice, practice!

That was a wonderful testimony, thank you very much for it! It's an important lesson. Too many people today think that God limited sex to marriage because he likes to spoil our fun. That's like thinking that your car manual says to change the oil just because they want you to get your hands dirty. The car manual says to change the oil because they MADE the car and they know that changing the oil on a regular basis will extend the life of your car, letting you have MORE fun with it. (Not that I think the automotive industry always has our best interest at heart, but you can only stretch the analogy so far)

God made us, and He wants what's best for us. God said to save sex for marriage, and keep the marriage bed pure within marriage, because He knows that is the BEST way to have a great sex life and an intimate pair bond.

If someone has made mistakes, or come out of a divorce, or even lost a spouse, God can CERTAINLY help them work through the problems and into a new and fantastic relationship, as your story shows so well.

BUT, for anyone who is still a virgin, wait until you are married to have sex! Having previous sexual relationships in your past when you get married is starting off with a handicap, and why should you start off with a handicap if you don't have to? Save yourself for marriage and you will have a much better chance at developing a great sexual relationship within marriage.

And for those who are unmarried and sexually active, stop the damage NOW! The sooner you stop, the less accumulated conditioning you will have to overcome when you attempt to form a new and permanent bond with your future spouse within the bonds of marriage.

God meant us for GLORIOUS things, there is no need to settle for scraps when He has prepared a banquet for us.

Thank you for your article! So well written (I'm going to save it) and persoanlly a propos. I am a virgin and am committed to remain so until marriage, however there have been so many attacks on that recently that I was beginning to feel pretty low, although my commitment to following God was no less strong. Most recently it was a trip to the general practitioner to get some medicine for a cold that wouldn't depart. While there he was incredulous that I, at 24, hadn't had sex. (actually, he was trying to encourage me to get the HPV shot before it was "too late" . ) All that started me off again on this self-examination. Are there really that few of us around at that age as virgins? I've been saving myself for all the reasons outlined in that article but what is one to do when a marriage does take place between a repentant promiscous now-christian and a life-long christian, a virgin well past the age of her , uh, non-virgin peers. Of course the sin is forgiven and no more but what effects will that have on the marriage? My h2b states he wishes he could undo it, is proud of me for saving myself and "hopes there won't be repurcussions" as a result of his previous behaviors, but what am I to do about it meanwhile. What kind of things does he need to process through? I guess it will be another one of our long, somewhat uncomfortable talks about intimate issues (which, I really don't want to know--the thought of him "wasting himself" on these women makes me sick when I'm the one he's been looking for all this time and who wants to be completely adored by him) but...i don't know. I'm afraid he will have preferences for sexual practices that he learned with her. I'm not most concerned that he will really "compare"me to others per se, because I know he's pretty ravished by everything about me but I do worry things from the past will "come back" to haunt, although I'm determined we won't let it. Things like him being used to condoms every time (uh, are you seriously wanting THAT for honeymoon? How impractical for the number of times I'm hoping we do it during those first times together. I haven't waited my whole life to find yet another degree of separation between me and beloved) or the frequency they did it ( "pretty regular" but, really what does that mean? I don't want to know but I can't help but wonder if his desires are lessened now, 5 years later whereas mine and just starting to take off--I'm talking biologically here, not any experience on my part)

May I hijack your thread (or have the mods move to an appropriate place) to share this pain and my whole-hearted agreement with your article? there was a small amount of time I did resent future husband the romps he had before me while he would be my first and only (and, if there were "repercussions"they'd be mine to bear, me who has waited) Obviously the key is to work on communication in all the other areas, which is, unfortunately, going to take another while (I HATE waiting more time to be together. However, I hate worse coming together in marriage before God's timing in working through all this exterior junk. That's really what's holding us up at this point--that and all the personal stuff he still has to sort through and straighten out because of all the time he wasted before. Well, at least that leaves me time to continue pursuing my career and goals God has inspired in me to fulfill until that GREAT DAY...and subsequent nights

a_bushel_and_a_peck wrote:I'm afraid he will have preferences for sexual practices that he learned with her.

You are starting off with a handicap. It would have been BETTER if your husband was a virgin as well, BUT, we worship a God who is big enough to help us over difficulties!

You can't change the past, but with God's help you can still have a bright future. The first step in that direction is a lot of prayer, but I think the second step is to try and leave most of your worries there on your knees in the prayers. That won't be easy, but one of the problems you are trying to avoid is constantly worrying about your husbands past partners and their effect upon him. Pray about it, ask for help in your relationship, ask for peace in your own heart about it!, and then move forward, leaving the worries right there and taking God's peace into bed with you.

a_bushel_and_a_peck wrote:and, if there were "repercussions"they'd be mine to bear, me who has waited

Actually, MANY of the repercussions will be HIS to bear, not yours. The fact that you have maintained your own virginity means there will be issues that he has to deal with that you will be free from. You will, of course, be affected by how he responds to these problems, but at least you will only be getting it on one side.

Your virginity will actually be a great advantage in this relationship, to both of you. It will greatly reduced the magnitude of difficulties that both of you will face. It will make forming a solid pair bond easier on both your husband and yourself. If you had both had previous partners, the problems you would face would be a lot bigger.

There will be things to overcome, but our God is a champion of overcoming, and in our weakness, He is very, very strong.

I would still recommend the HPV vaccination. I recommend it to ALL my friends. With your FH having previous sexual experience, it makes it even more worthwhile.

I deal with MANY older women (virgins til marriage, only one partner) who now having final stage cervical cancer due to HPV that would love to come and talk to the young girls I see everyday refusing this vaccine and share with them how important this vaccine is.

Yes, there really are few 24 year old virgins out there. It was the same when I was 24, which was 21 years ago. When I married at 31 (God is so good and faithful) I was done worrying about who else was a virgin.

I may have been the "last American virgin," but hadn't I lusted in my heart? Of course. Hadn't I had impure thoughts? Of course. Hadn't I committed greed, hate, jealousy, vanity? Hadn't I committed false pride over keeping my virginity? Of course, of course, of course.

Thank God for my Redeemer. Virginity is a symptom of purity, which is what really matters. Purity is something the two of you now have in common. Sex in marriage, a God blessed, life committed relationship, will be a first for both of you. He had sex with other women before, but never with you. He will be nervous, and will have to learn you, head to toe. How could he compare that with anything else? It will be a tender, vulnerable, loving and erotic adventure for both of you.

a_bushel_and_a_peck wrote:Of course the sin is forgiven and no more but what effects will that have on the marriage? My h2b states he wishes he could undo it, is proud of me for saving myself and "hopes there won't be repurcussions" as a result of his previous behaviors, but what am I to do about it meanwhile. What kind of things does he need to process through? I guess it will be another one of our long, somewhat uncomfortable talks about intimate issues (which, I really don't want to know--the thought of him "wasting himself" on these women makes me sick when I'm the one he's been looking for all this time and who wants to be completely adored by him) but...i don't know.

Well, at least that leaves me time to continue pursuing my career and goals God has inspired in me to fulfill until that GREAT DAY...and subsequent nights

Hi Bushel,

I am so pleased to hear that you have and are still saving yourself for your FH. I want to encourage you to continue to do that - it WILL be worth it, for you, for him, your families, your future kids, etc. and for God!

It is good for you to continue to focus on your career and goals - that will help you stay true to your convictions and the Lord as you wait for your marriage.

I'm also glad that God forgives our sins and helps us along the path toward spiritual maturity and faithfulness. I would strongly suggest you and your FH talk much and pray a lot together about your marriage.

Whenever we as humans have sex with someone we are not married to, there will be consequences - for a lot of people. Some people think it is merely a matter of not waiting until marriage (or not being able to wait, or doing what we will inevitabaly do anyway, since we are committed to getting married). But it is more than something that simple or innocuous. It is a matter of having sex with someone that person was not married to. Which is really the same thing that happens when married people have affairs - they have sex with someone they are not married to. No I do not mean to frighten you unduely. But I'm sure you are aware enough to know that your determination - yes, with God's help I'm sure - to only have sex with the person you are married to is something that he will need for himself, and he too will need God's help as well as yours. I think for both of you to seek to strengthen each other's resolve in that area is much more important than spending time or energy on the comparisons you imagine might take place.

Regrettably many people mess up. And even though there is forgiveness, that doesn't mean all the mess or consequences are suddenly cleaned up. I'm glad that you are aware of this and taking it seriously now already.

haha, good. Thanks for the different aspects of what everyone said. It is certainly a sin whose effects are hard to get over and who knows how far reaching for how long. Something I wasn't even involved in now becomes a part of what I have to deal with, although it's not really mine to do anything about except to say, yeah, well you knew her first but I get to be your last. I can never fully comprehend that relationship, nor do I want to. And I shouldn't. It's his and her's to bear and Christ has forgiven him. All that matters now is him and me and what we will make of our lives together. I can't deny that it saddens me, though, that there's a part of him I will never know and someone else had and it doesn't even matter to her now that she did once have it. But is what I have to offer him really that amazing? It's nothing he hasn't had before. And it's only by God's grace that I have been able to honor Him and my future husband with my choices to remain pure. So if I've said it to him and I'll say it here: I never once considered whether the man God had in mind for me would be a virgin or not--and that factor, in the scheme of things, really doesn't matter gravely if he is the one God has brought to me with whom to consider marriage. All I knew is that he would be a man of the same mind as me, because he loved the Lord first. And he does

a_bushel_and_a_peck wrote:And it's only by God's grace that I have been able to honor Him and my future husband with my choices to remain pure.

Amen! All of our own righteousness is as filthy rags. Any time we get something right, the credit goes to God.

a_bushel_and_a_peck wrote:But is what I have to offer him really that amazing? It's nothing he hasn't had before.

Bzzzztttt! Sorry, that's the wrong answer, but we will be sending you a copy of our home game!

Seriously though. On the simplest and shallowest level, he hasn't had YOU before. And you are a whole different woman.

But on a much more important and deeper level, you will be offering him a sexual relationship blessed by the bonds of marriage and sanctified by the holy spirit. We aren't talking about a mere physical coupling of bodies here, but something that goes so much further, and so much deeper than that. A mingling that truly blends two into one. A merging that touches your very souls. NOTHING he has ever had before will be able to compare.

I know you're right. It's just one of those things that keeps coming back to haunt me. I'm trying to move forward and not let us dwell on his past but by the same token, I then feel discounted by saying his past is now unimportant and yet the fact I have stayed pure is? Irrational fear, I'm sure but how to deal? That's really all I'm interested in. anything I can cling to scripturally to drive these nagging doubts away. I feel so insecure and somehow like I won't be adequate for him--or, even, too that he won't be for me. My drive is sooo high (thankfully I hide that well from him for now) and he was hurt pretty bad from that relationship so I worry he won't be able to feel at ease with me. I know what a great responsibilitiy it is for me. I want to give him a new first time worth remembering...he's never had what I can offer him in marriage (although I won't be his first or even his first virgin). I wonder if he really will be happy with me, though, if he will look on what we have as sacred and special. Is it bad for me to wish he wouldn't have fond memories of his past relationship? I know they're all bittersweet now but I'm scared he'll have things with her he enjoyed but then I 'm not her. Or, with any luck, I'll be " better" because I love him entirely even though this past sucks. Well...I guess more prayer there is needed. and time. Some days I can't wait for our wedding night and it can't seem to come soon enough, other days I feel so frozen by fear (partly because I HAVE been waiting longer than I expected I would, but , actually, I never even cared about that until recently. I'm HAPPY doing what I am. It'd just be a different kind of happy with him) I worry that it's not as big a deal to him as it is to me or that I won't be able to let go when we finally can because of how strict I've needed to be with myself for so long. And, you know, none of this is giving any peace so it can't be from God, the author of peace so it needs to be chucked out the window right now!! I'm planning on having a marvelous future with my husband to be and we are promising our lifelong fidelity to each other as a perfect picture of Christ's love for his church and her perfect awe of his working in her. THAT is worth celebrating