From Susan Vaughn

The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy
silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive. The only person
left outside was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a
flowerbed outside number four.

"Cut!" came a voice nearby. "Somebody bring Tom an Evian..."

Artful makeup and ultra-soft camera focus had succeeded in making Tom
Cruise look 15 again. Or thereabouts. The ruckus over Warner Bros.'
abrupt substitution of Cruise as Harry Potter had nearly subsided after the
studio had craftily leaked photos of Cruise astride a Nimbus 2004, being
hotly pursued by Nick Nolte, now playing Draco Malfoy.

But implacable HP fans remained distraught about writer/director Quentin
Tarantino's vision of "Goblet of Fire." They continued to fire off angry
questions: Why let the Mafia make an assassination attempt during the
International Quidditch Cup? Why permit Harry's love interest, Cho Chang
(now played by Julia Roberts) to slip hallucinogenic mushrooms into Harry's
hot cocoa during the naked party seduction scene? And why allow
Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, the French and German wizardry schools, to
secede from the Triwizard Tournament, after publicly denouncing Hogwarts
for unjustifiable acts of magical aggression?

Only JK Rowling, now played by billionaire Bill Gates, would have the
answers.

Sign up for the Guardian Today

Our editors' picks for the day's top news and commentary delivered to your inbox each morning.