The Puke Fairy–or how my son does NOTHING half-assed.

I’ll give my son this–he rarely gets sick, but when he does, game ON. Usually its fevers. He seems fond of sitting in the “should we go to the ER?” zone longer than i would like, and he’s a pro at giving me the pathetic face and snuggling up to me in an effort to make me just pity him and his situation. But’ it’s always been fevers and colds. He’s never had a pukey sickness.

UNTIL NOW.

I realize how lucky i have been, not having had to deal with the Puke Fairy that much–oh there’s been the occasional “i shoved too much food in my mouth” upchucks (gotta LOVE those in public places), but never an illness. But i think we can now say my vomit cherry has been deflowered.

Poor lil guy had some sort of virus (“it’s going around”–seriously, you went to 8 years of medical school for that lil tidbit?) that had him puking on the 45 minute mark, every hour. seriously. I could practically set a timer. Even in THIS the boy had a routine.

I can’t tell you how many times i stood gobsmacked, trying to figure how to deal with the messy boy and three different puddles of ick, wondering where to start. The Puke Fairy really put this rookie through the paces.

So i had to learn the hard way that changing the sheets and putting him back to bed = BAD IDEA. When i was running my 3rd load of laundry and muttering, “i’m running out of fucking blankets”, i said fuck it, threw a waterproof pad on the couch, rolled up the carpet and camped out in the living room watching Wall-e and Kung Fu Panda.

We eventually had to head to urgent care because he hadn’t peed in 12 hours and frankly, holding my sobbing boy in the bathroom for the upteenth time broke me. He hadn’t slept all night, he was tired of puking and i was tired of cleaning. His PCP said go get the shot to get him to stop puking so he can keep down some gatorade and sleep–preferably in that order.

So, after a few sips of gatorade, we head to urgent care. Ben is lethargic but not pukey, and the waiting room is FULL of people in varying degrees of urgency. No Tuberculin coughs though, so it wasn’t too cringey.

Unfortunately for Ben though, the doctor there didn’t want to give him the shot because he was holding down the two sips of gatorade given to him @ an hour before. awesome. They should just have a box outside urgent care that says “put your $$ in here and keep doing what you’re doing at home.” At least, this is my pediatric experience.

I realize Ben getting sick puts me in some wierd zone–like i said he NEVER gets sick, so when he does, it’s on. But i’m telling you i wanted to cut a bitch after that first trip. Yes. FIRST TRIP.

Ben actually napped that afternoon, and woke up to more sips of gatorade, only to start the puke parade again and we took him BACK to urgent care so i could do my best Shirley McClain Terms of Endearment “GIVE HIM THE DAMN SHOT!” impression.

Luckily my son is so cute–and looked so pathetic that they didn’t charge us a second copay, got us in right away, and the doctor immediately prescribed a pill that would make Ben stop puking. Luckily it was a dissovable pill, even though my son just chomped it up with that face that said “really? I’ve been puking for 24 hours and you give me THIS piece-of-shit-tasting pill?” Then we got to hang out for 15 minutes to make sure it wasn’t gonna make him freak out and die i guess and they sent us on our way.

I am happy to report we have been sans puke since then, although i am still flinchy with every burp and cough (thanks Puke Fairy). But last night he was dancing around watching the fireworks (we can see a number of shows right from our front porch) and having a good ol’ time. Saltines have been consumed and continue to stay down. Food is being requested at such an alarming rate that we are battling a little becuase i refuse to let him gorge himself, even though i know he’s hungry. I have a feeling today will be one continuous snack train. Maybe tomorrow too.

I feel like a real parent now. I’ve done my time with the Puke Fairy and won. Not that she won’t be back some time. But right now, that bitch is homeless.

[UPDATE: yeah. I spoke too soon. That fairy is a fuckin BIOTCHNIT. Back to panicky “DON’T EAT THAT!” mode.]