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Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.

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Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.

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Coworker: My daughter is training for the Olympics. My son is going to Harvard. Dilbert: I have no spawn of my own, so I claim the right to name a proxy to brag on my behalf. Topper, I need you. Topper: OF course you do. My daughter discovered the Higgs boson particle using nothing but licorice and a flashlight. My son inhales carbon dioxide and exhales endangered species while playing in the National Football League. Coworker: This isn't fair! You can't just make up stuff! Topper: According to the president of the International Society of Boasters, fabrications are acceptable. Coworker: I'd like to talk to that guy. Topper: You're looking at him. Dilbert: I win.

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Dilbert: "The only way to get ahead in this company is by getting promoted to management."
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get promoted. I want to follow in your footsteps."
"But I'm wondering if a lobotomy is actually necessary."
"No, we'll just run you through 'quality training'."

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The Boss: "Dilbert, I'm sending you to 'diversity sensitivity' training."
"Alice doesn't have to go because chicks are born already knowing this stuff. It's as natural as shopping and crying."
Dilbert: "Can I get a 'Midol' for either one of you?"
"Whump whump whump"

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"I can't believe we have to go to 'diversity sensitivity' training."
"Wally, I don't see how it could be bad to seek a better understanding of others."
"Uh-oh."
"Take a seat in the 'dumpy white guy section'. I'm ready to start."

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Dilbert: In 'diversity sensitivity' training you will learn to respect those who are different.
DOgbert: People basically fall into these four groups.
ugly smart
cute smart
ugly stupid
cute stupid
Dilbert: This is different than I expected.
Dogbert: I notice that all of you are in this box here.

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The Boss asks Dilbert, "Have you taken the mandatory training for business ethics?" Dilbert answers, "No. But if you SAY I did then you'll save some money on training which you can spend to decorate your office." The Boss says, "Luckily, I haven't taken the training myself." Dilbert says, "I hear it's mostly common sense anyway."

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Wally stands in front of the Boss's desk. Wally demands, "You've got to increase the budget for training!" The Boss responds, "If I train you, then wouldn't you just leave the company to make more money working for our competitor?" Wally says, "I guess there is a downside." The Boss asks, "And the downside would be . . . ?"