Blurred lines…

The lines of who I am and how another sees me is so blurred at the moment that I don’t even think the strongest prescription glasses can help. Can I really be that fucked up in the head that I can’t even see who I am in the mirror???

He says that I am lost, stupid, fat, ugly, dumb with no sense of reality. My mothering skills are lacking (crack moms think they do really well, but do they? – his words not mine), my wife skills were never there, as a daughter in law I have failed miserably, your parents even gave you up when you were not even 20 because you were a burden.

His Version:

You are nothing and will never amount to nothing, you know why? Because you are so clueless about life! You don’t know how to cook or clean a house or even keep a man happy. What do you with this life other than waste time? Who do you help or guide when you can’t even help yourself? What accomplishments do you have to show for your pathetic life. The only thing you have to talk about is the life that I have provided for you and your ungrateful kids! You know what your good at??? Socializing, talking andgetting the “good” feeling. You don’t work hard, you go to work like the rest of the world does, NOTHING SPECIAL! Let me guess, your friends think your great, they are just as crazy as you are! Look at your kids, they are just like you, below average with nothing going for them. You can’t even take care of your body, at least stay in shape for yourself but nope your too busy! Busy doing what, NOTHING! Biggest time and life waster I know and of course I had to get stuck with you. Me, the guy who accomplishes shit, starts things and finishes them top notch, the guy who everyone turns to answers. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have married you. You have killed my aspirations and ambitions because you are an unsupportive bitch who has leeched on to me! What do you have to offer this household?? NOTHING! What do you do for me? NOTHING! What do you do for the kids?? NOTHING! Do you understand what’s going on here?!?! You are nothing and all you do is bring all those around you down!!! All you know is how to do sing, dance and entertain anyone who will pay attention to you! Basically your a useless, you do nothing!

My Version:

I have done the best I could being me. My parents arranged my marriage to you and I went along with it based on all the LIES you told me. You were NEVER in this marriage so don’t speak to me about being invested in the marriage. You were invested in someone else and married legally to someone else! I wasn’t allowed to go to university because I didn’t have a penis, not my fault! I had dreams and ambitions but you killed them because of your constant negativity. Since day 1 you have broke me down in any way possible with your mom at your side. Sometimes you do the talking and some days she does the talking. I’m to fat, ugly and dumb for you and your family??? Then why did you beg for this arranged marriage and why are you all holding me hostage in this ugly union??? I’m this well kept woman in a tower that I can’t climb out of. If I’m so terrible then why has your extended family offered me emotional support behind your backs?!?!? Why does your family, ask me how I’m doing and it must be really hard to live with that family? My kids, are fucking fantastic!! Two gems, absolutely priceless!!! They are well rounded kids that other people praise. Their hearts are generous and they are doing the best they can living amidst the chaos that you and your mother create!!! I couldn’t have been more blessed when those two kids became mine. They are perfect in everyway, smart, intelligent, good looking, athletic. You name it, they got it!! Maybe your the one lacking??? My dad gave me up because, in his world, when a girl was a certain age and started to be noticed it was time to marry her off before she made “mistakes” that would be irreversible. I hate him every day for this marriage but I have also taken the time to understand where his actions came from! I do all the houseworkand it’s not up to your standards so you take charge, okay then do it! No one makes you, you want to do it because you have admitted its soothing for your OCD!!! That’s not my fault you have stolen the household chores because you feel better. I don’t do the laundry because you feel I will wreck the machines?!?!? Really? I will wreck the machines, get a life and feel free to continue to do the laundry to preserve your high tech machines. I cook from scratch every fucking day!!! What more can I do, we don’t eat boxed or frozen meals, we eat wholesome good food everyday and you complain?? Marry someone who doesn’t cook you the cuisines of the world and then have a food conversation with me! I can cook and bake anything you want, just ask! Thing is you always find something negative in it, you just can’t say that was good or thank you or that was different! Nothing Special you say?!?!? I say I’m damned special for putting up with you and your family. No other girl would have put up with a millionth of what I have, your lucky you got me when I was naïve and optimistic! For all the abuses that I have endured from you and your family and I’m still smiling pretending to be happy, THAT IS SPECIAL!!!!

My afterthought:

Maybe I could be better. Maybe I should on doing all the household chores, but he does it even before I get home. Should I secretly do the laundry and get the wrath of him later for touching the expensive machines? I have endured every abuse imaginable and I’m still standing, is there something wrong with me. I try to cook the foods the kids and him will both enjoy, I’m not a stand alone restaurant but I try. Dammit I try! I wanted to go to university but my dad wouldn’t allow it, I had to get married in order to leave the house. I married you despite knowing you didn’t want to marry me, in fact you were with someone else. I was optimistic and I was emotionally blackmailed by my family, I let this marriage happen. I was to young and stupid to know or feel that I had options. Your family had promised I could further my studies but they retracted their promise after we got married. I still managed to attend college for a couple of years (even though your mom made it a living hell for me) and eventually gave up. I gave up because my son needed his mother to pay attention to him. I gave up because the burden of meal times, while your mom sat on her fat ass, got to me. I gave up because after I would cook, clean and bath my baby, homework was torture til 2 in the morning because I would be awakened by the baby’s cries at 6 sharp. I gave up because I made the choice to be his mother and your family’s daughter in law and put my ambitions on hold. I hit pause on my life so I could serve others. I sing and dance all the time because when I listen to Hindi music, stress leaves my body like magic. I dance like nobody is watching because the music moves my body and that is the ONLY time I do what I want. I socialize with other human beings to keep myself sane. There was a time when I isolated myself, I learned the hard way that depression was moving in on me. Before it was set into my life I had to make some changes and fast. I smile and tell the world I’m fine when I am actually NOT fine. I am trying my best to raise two kids who will be good successful adults that will contribute positively to this world. I am doing the best I can when the three of us are walking on eggshells all the time when he’s around. I am doing the best as a mother while explaining your outbursts are not your fault, soothing them and letting them know we are going to be alright. I am mothering them so they know I’m safe and they have someone to turn to. I shelter them as much as I possibly can from the storms you and your mother create. Could I do better as mom? Probably but this is all I have. I don’t spend frivolously. I understand money better than a lot of the other wives we know do and somewhere inside you knows that because in the past you’ve complimented me on it. I understand you work hard, but so do I! I just want to disappear into this world with my kids and just start over. The kids keep begging me to stay so their world isn’t turned upside down. I hope the kids get it one day that my world was upside every day, I let it be that way because they asked me to, yes it’s a sacrifice but I chose to be their mom. He says I have poor me syndrome, I don’t think I have, I think there are certain things I have to do because of my own values and morals. They don’t want to leave their current lives to start over, I don’t blame them, they are kids. I literally try to treat others how I want to be treated, I try not to judge others, I try to be the best role model for the kids, I try to accommodate my parents AND his, I try to be a good friend, I try to stay up beat and positive. I try not hurt anyone in anyway. I know what it’s like to live in an ugly world, I never want to be the cause of anyone’s unhappiness. Some days I just want to take my passport and take the first flight to wherever it may be and never look back. I stop myself because I never want my kids to feel how I feel some days, abandoned.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING SO WRONG AND WHY DO I KEEP GETTING PUNISHED BY MY OWN “FAMILY”?!?!?