Harold Camping, the 89-year-old coot preacher who achieved fame for repeatedly getting the date of “The Rapture” wrong says he finds his situation “embarrassing” and is getting out of the prophecy business. Probably a good idea at his age… and with his track record!

“We’re living in a day when one problem follows another, and when it comes trying to recognize the truth of prophecy we’re finding it very, very difficult,” Camping said in an audio file posted to his Family Radio website yesterday. Via the NY Daily News:

Camping has made several predictions about the end of the world over the years. He claimed the end was nigh in 1994, then again in May of this year. When that didn’t happen, he said it would be Oct. 21.

“Why didn’t Christ return on Oct. 21?” he asked. “It seems embarrassing for Family Radio, but God is in charge of everything.”

The minister noted that no matter what people may think is in the Bible, ultimately God has the final word and isn’t obligated to reveal his plans.

“There’s one thing that we must remember,” Camping said. “God is in charge of this whole business, and we are not. What God wants to tell us is his business, when he wants to tell us is his business.”

The failed prognosticator also said he was sorry for saying that anyone who didn’t believe in his incorrect predictions would not be saved.

“I should not have said that and I apologize,” Camping said.

The Oakland-based preacher added that just because he was wrong, people shouldn’t lose their faith.

“We should not for a moment feel that we’ve been abandoned by God,” he said.

Since the Rapture failed to materialize as predicted on May 21, the mainstream media has pretty much dropped 89-year-old crazy Christian doomsday kook Harold Camping and his un-Raptured followers like…well… the goofy losers they are. And rightfully so.

However, according to the Christian Post website which has continued following his dumbshit antics, Camping still insists that the Rapture DID IN FACT occur but only in a SPIRITUAL sense! Camping maintains that his dates for a May 21 Judgment Day and a October 21 real Doomsday are STILL—despite EVERY EVERY SINGLE BIT OF EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY—accurate and absolutely right on target. He was expecting maybe a little more in the way of some box office boffo special effects, sure, maybe some floods and for the earth to be torn asunder, but, hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways, fella! It’s not all shock and awe:

Judgment Day on May 21 did come, asserted Camping. However, he clarified that the Judgment Day arrived in a spiritual sense rather than manifesting in a physical Rapture.

On Monday, a caller asked Camping whether they would see any signs from Deuteronomy 28, beginning with verse 15, fulfilled in the coming End Days. The passage refers to the curse of God for those who disobey his teachings.

“Those who are unsaved are going to experience the curse of God,” affirmed Camping, president of Family Radio.

He predicted that whatever of a person’s corpse is left in the grave on October 21 “will be thrown out of the grave” and be “like manure on the ground.” Furthermore, those who die on October 21 won’t receive a burial, said Camping.

“They will be shamed in the eyes of God,” he said.

“On the last day, all the unsaved are going to come under the curse of God. They are going to be thrown out of the grave if there are still a corpse there or bones. If they are in the grave, they will be shamed in the eyes of God. If they die on that day, they’re not going to be buried. They’re going to be shamed in the eyes of God,” Camping further predicted.

He explained that the actual person himself will not really experience any of this beastliness because they are already dead. You mean like zombies? Exactly!

“But they will be shamed,” Camping insists. This coming from someone so impervious to shame himself, of course, but I digress…

Also on Monday’s radio show, Camping took some hits from a few of his pissed-off followers—some who are now broke and having a crisis of faith—on his radio show:

“I’ve been studying the Bible with you all those years,” said the caller Monday.

“I thought nothing would shake my faith that I would go through all the tribulations and all that. But now that I see that it didn’t happen once again, all I look at is disappointment from our Father.”

The caller commended Camping for “staying faithful” but expressed his own lack thereof.

“In my case, I don’t know what it means to be faithful anymore because I am really disappointed,” the caller said in a saddened voice.

—snip—

One ex-follower was so upset over Camping’s failed prediction that he threatened the doomsday speaker with violence and used profanity to address him.

“You’re really pathetic, you know? I wasted all my money because of you. I was putting all my money and my hopes on you,” an angry caller told Camping.

“Do you understand? I wish I could see you face to face, I would smack you.”

Camping attempted to explain himself but the caller sounded like he had enough.

“Mr. Camping, you always say a lot of (expletive). I lost all my money because of you, you (expletive),” said the caller.

I don’t feel one single lick of sympathy for these fuckin’ people. They got EXACTLY what they deserved: A really expensive lesson in REALITY.

Isn’t this thoughtful? Those demented bawbags who are waiting for the Rapture this weekend have prepared a letter to help explain where they and “millions and millions” of the faithful have disappeared to.

Dear Friend,

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)

In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of God in order to believe this.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!

But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him and made Him their Lord.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must pray to God saying"Father I admit I am a sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be
forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus name I pray.”

If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ.

God bless you.

I don’t know how any of these people will be able to show their face next week.

If you can’t wait for the Post-Rapture Party, then why not attend the Pre-Rapture Orgy? Organized by Ammon Kamutef Allred, Karen McCarthy, Matt Riddle, and Felonius Screwtape, who together have started a group page on Facebook inviting all to attend the orgy tomorrow night:

After the Rapture, America is going to be awesome! Universal health-care, gay marriage, easy access to birth control, a progressive tax code and strong environmental regulations.

You don’t want to miss all the fun! Come to our pre-Rapture orgy to make sure that you’ll be here come May 22, 2011.

The Pre-Rapture Orgy takes place Friday 00:00 - Saturday at 00:00, on the “Streets of America, Baby” and no doubt everywhere else, check here for details.

I sincerely hope there is a video camera trained on Robert Fitzpatrick’s fool face when he wakes up alive—and broke—next Sunday morning. From The New York Daily News:

Robert Fitzpatrick is so convinced the end is near he’s betting his life savings on it.

The retired MTA employee has pumped $140,000 into a NYC Transit ad campaign to warn everyone the world will end next Saturday.

“Global Earthquake! The Greatest Ever - Judgment Day: May 21,” the ad declares above a placid picture of night over Jerusalem with a clock that’s about to strike midnight.

“I’m trying to warn people about what’s coming,” the 60-year-old Staten Island resident said. “People who have an understanding [of end times] have an obligation to warn everyone.”

His doomsday warning has appeared on 1,000 placards on subway cars, at a cost of $90,000, and at bus shelters around the city, for $50,000 more. Fitzpatrick’s millenial mania began after he retired in 2006 and began listening to California evangelist Harold Camping’s “end of days” predictions.

Using head-spinning numerological calculations, Camping has determined that the world will end on Saturday, May 21. He’s used similar biblical math to pinpoint when Abraham was circumcised (2068 B.C.) and when earth was created (11,083 B.C.).

Camping has predicted the end of world once before - on Sept. 6, 1994. When the sun rose on Sept. 7, Camping admitted he might have had that one wrong.

Still, Fitzpatrick remains convinced the beginning of the end is coming next week.

“It’ll start just before midnight, Jerusalem time: It’ll be instantaneous and global,” he said. “There are too many scriptures talking about ‘sudden destruction.’”

While Jesus Christ returns to Earth and all non-believers burn in eternal hellfire, Fitzpatrick says he and all those in the know will be saved in the rapture.

Yeah, well… let’s see who’s laughing come Sunday when Robert realizes that he gave his retirement money back to the place he worked for his entire life! I hope he still thinks this was money well spent, but I sorta doubt it…

“My sister doesn’t believe it,” Fitzpatrick admits. “I’ve tried to tell her. But that’s pretty much the story with most people.”

Welcome to Rapture Week 2011! As everyone knows by now, Saturday, May 21 is the beginning of the end of the world. That’s right, this weekend all the Born Again Christians will be whisked up into Heaven to be with Jesus, while the rest of us have five months to party it up before God finally destroys the world on October 21, 2011. It’s a fact. Harold Camping said so.

If you’re on the winning team, maybe you’ll share the joy expressed in the video below for ‘Love Like Lightning.’ If not, ‘Great Awakening’ should scare you straight into the Savior’s arms. The rest speak for themselves. Get watching—the end is near!

P.S…for those Left Behind, I’ll be throwing a bash at Benny Hinn’s abandoned mansion this Sunday—hookers, blow, you name it. See you there.

And for the rest of us who will FOR SURE be left behind, there’s a new Facebook group called “Post rapture looting” that seems like it might be kinda useful to join…

Here’s a sample of Christian Nightmares’ “Five Songs to get you Rapture Ready”:

“Love Like Lightning,” a midriff-baring Christian man in an “Aloha” t-shirt stars in this trippy, high-tech music video about God and the Rapture”

A kooky believer that the Rapture will happen on May 21, 2011 is interviewed (where else?) on Hollywood Blvd. It’s fitting that this takes place with the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum in the background…

As per the “prophecy” (and creative mathematics!) of 89-year-old religious radio magnate, Harold Camping Jr., there is no way—NONE—that this guy has any doubts that he and his mates will still be here on May 22. Dude is seriously pumped for the end of the world, yo, and yet he’s still not willing to hand over his credit cards and PIN numbers to the interviewer. What’s up with that?

I sure hope that there are several documentarians working on getting footage of these folks both before and after “the end of the world.” Fascinating stuff (even if that drumming is annoying. Eventually it stops).

Completely over the top, utterly ridiculous video for the 2011 National Day of Prayer. Like what is the message here supposed to be? That Christians can somehow stave off the Apocalypse and natural disasters by praying? I thought the end of the world and Jesus coming back were the whole point? Now I’m confused.

And what’s with the shitty bombastic music? Was “Carmina Burana” too expensive to license so they went for a cheapo knock-off instead? Note that the White House (where “that Obama” lives) and San Francisco (an American stand-in for Sodom and Gomorrah perhaps) have the ominous lightning flashes but the little church (which I presume resides somewhere in Sarah Palin’s “real America”) is bathed in a cone of holy light… Lame, but these things always are… Can’t these fucking assholes hurry up and be raptured already?

The funny part (if there is one) about all of the Christian apocalyptic madness of the current age is to consider how silly and dated this sort of superstitious insanity is going to look 100 years from now. Mark my words, after all of us are dead, there will be an ironic cult for Kirk Cameron movies and the Left Behind books. They’ll be collectibles from a less enlightened time for hipsters in the 22nd century.

A new meme is born! A video letter from a concerned Christian man with “insider information” from God to those of us who’ll be “left behind” when Jesus takes up all the Christians and Republicans to live in the clouds with him. After that begins the seven-year Tribulation period and this is when we’re all supposed to dial up YouTube and with this clown’s help, get right with the Lord… and eat dirt and paper. Or something.

Whether to point and laugh or to weep at how dumb and delusional this poor fucker is? This guy’s entire, pitifully small worldview is based on the Left Behind novels and Jack Chick tracts! He appears to be well-meaning, but there’s also an air of smug superiority to his advice which I find bust-a-gut funny coming from someone so obviously… not very bright.

“You must not accept the ‘Mark of the Beast.’ That is the main thing you must not do. So basically if anybody… if the government, basically, enforces some sort of a tattoo, or stamping of some sort, on your right hand or your forehead, do not take it at all costs. I don’t care if you can’t buy or sell anything, I don’t care if you don’t have any food, you are better off to eat dirt. Eat dirt. Paper. Basically anything you can find to basically to numb the feeling of your hunger. And it will be worth every bit of it if you refuse the ‘Mark of the Beast.’ Because if you receive the ‘Mark of the Beast,’ that basically guarantees that you are gonna be spending eternity in the lake of fire.”

So far only a couple of hundred people have watched this clip, but as it picks up speed, the commenters on YouTube are going to be merciless to this doofus. I predict remixes and 4chan infamy for this fellow, not to mention drinking games based on how many times he utters the word “basically.”

Here are some from the past 24-hours:

“this is sort of like the videos that suicide bombers make. have fun on your﻿ ufo!”

“You should speed up the﻿ process.”

“wow you got msg from god..you must be very smart an﻿ powerful person,,,im goin go eat some dirt an paper now,, caio”

From her Subaru, a car painted as white as the fourth horse of Revelation, Allison Warden proclaims that Jesus shall return May 21.

By her reckoning, His return will fall on a springtime Saturday. And if the world weren’t ending, you might find people celebrating other notable highlights of the day: Mr. T’s birthday, Montenegro’s independence or the Red Sox-White Sox game.

But to Warden and hundreds of like-minded Christians, Judgment Day can be calculated precisely by tracing biblical genealogy or by following history forward 7,000 years from the day Noah shut the door to his ark.

So if May 22 rolls around and you’re still here, wailing and gnashing your teeth, don’t say nobody warned you.

“It’s a very jarring thing to be told you have five months on Earth,” Warden, 29, said. “That may interrupt any earthly plan.”

They say that ignorance is bliss, but I’m not so sure about that… It’s not like these two decided to be stupid.

“As it was in the days of Noah, so shall it be in the days of the Son of Man.”—Luke 17

We covered crazy old coot, Harold Camping last year around this time when Camping and his dim-witted followers/employees announced that the Rapture was coming on May 21, 2011. Of course, Mr. Camping has made incorrect predictions in the past about the end of the world, but this hasn’t stopped him from trying again (hey, a stopped clock is right twice a day, isn’t it?). This time Camping is SO SURE that he got the math right, that he and his followers/employees have announced an aggressive advertising campaign with tee-shirts, tracts, postcards, stickers, outdoor advertising and even e-Bibles that the younger set can use on their iThingees.

Family Radio Inc., Camping’s company has also set up WeCanKnow.com, where you can learn all about the various ways the great man figured out when the Rapture would take place. How convenient that this is all happening when Camping himself is only 88-years-young. If his batshit crazy wish fulfillment nonsense turns out to be correct, HE’LL NEVER HAVE TO DIE. (And what’s more, when the Rapture comes, he’ll be young again! All the people in Heaven are in their prime. We know this because a kid who had an NDE told Gretchen Carlson all about it on Fox News!).

According to Camping’s prediction, the Rapture will happen exactly 7,000 years from the date that God first warned people about the flood. He said the flood happened in 4990 B.C., on what would have been May 21 in the modern calendar. God gave Noah one week of warning.

Since one day equals 1,000 years for God, that means there was a 7,000-year interval between the flood and rapture.

Got it?

Billboards like the one above are about to start appearing in Louisville, St. Louis, Detroit, Little Rock, Omaha, Kansas City, Fort Wayne, Ind., and Bridgeport, Conn. There are already 40 such signs in the Nashville area alone. Family Radio Inc., will also be sending RVs around the country with witnesses for Camping’s Rapture date prediction.

I look at it this way: I’d love it if Camping were correct and all the Christians (including Sarah Palin, the Teabaggers, Bryan Fischer, etc) get whisked up to Heaven en masse with Baby Jesus and assigned their fucking harps. We’d all wake up in a much saner world on May 22, 2011, if you ask me. Good riddance.

‘20 Minutes To Go’: Possibly the most amazing, disturbing, and captivating video I’ve ever seen, about nuclear war, the end of the world, the Rapture, and life in Heaven. It’s a long video, but every second is worth watching!

The creative vision on offer here is bust-a-gust funny and distressing—yet joyful—at the same time. Notions of the afterlife are always pretty silly, if you ask me, but this one rivals Xanadu for schmaltz and poor costuming choices…

An excerpt from Frank Schaeffer’s soon-to-be released book, Patience with God, gets to the root of why millions are praying for End Times.

Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye’s Left Behind series of sixteen novels (so far!) represents everything that is most deranged about religion. If I had to choose companions to take my chances with in a lifeboat, and the choice boiled down to picking Tim LaHaye, Jerry Jenkins, or Christopher Hitchens, I’d pick Hitchens in a heartbeat. At least he wouldn’t try to sink our boat so that Jesus would come back sooner. He might even bring along a case of wine.

The Left Behind novels have sold tens of millions of copies while spawning an “End Times” cult, or rather egging it on. Such products as Left Behind wall paper, screen savers, children’s books, and video games have become part of the ubiquitous American background noise. Less innocuous symptoms include people stocking up on assault rifles and ammunition, adopting “Christ-centered” home school curricula, fearing higher education, embracing rumor as fact, and learning to love hatred for the “other,” as exemplified by a revived anti-immigrant racism, the murder of doctors who do abortions, and even a killing in the Holocaust Museum.

No, I am not blaming Jenkins and LaHaye’s product line for murder or racism or any other evil intent or result. What I am saying is that feeding the paranoid delusions of people on the fringe of the fringe contributes to a dangerous climate that may provoke violence in a few individuals. And convincing folks that Armageddon is on the way, and all we can do is wait, pray, and protect our families from the chaos that will be the “prelude” to the “Return of Christ,” is perhaps not the best recipe for political, economic, or personal stability, let alone social cohesion. It may also not be the best philosophy on which to build American foreign policy! The momentum toward what amounts to a whole subculture seceding from the union (in order to await “The End”) is irrevocably prying loose a chunk of the American population from both sanity and their fellow citizens.