The Life and Times of Ray Charles

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Recently, Ray Charles passed away. I remember him fondly from Diet Pepsi commercials, and for shooting at a prepubescent guitar thief in Blues Brothers. And the music, of course. Good times, good times…. Well, I decided to dedicate this month’s hastily drawn adventure to Mr. Charles. A brief history of the life many of you didn’t know he lived….

1-Nine months prior to 1930: Ray Charles is conceived

2-1930: Ray Charles is born

3-1931: Ray Charles learns how to walk

4-1932: Ray Charles learns how to walk… with style.

5-1945: Ray Charles develops telekinetic abilities.

6-1946-1956: For the next ten years of his life, Ray Charles travels through time in a phone booth. He learns how to play the piano from the great masters, helps build the Great Wall of China, and becomes good friends with many historical celebrities. Pictured here is Mr. Charles shaking hands with Jesus.

7-1958-1961: Ray Charles invents the watermelon. He uses his riches to buy his first piano. And also a rocket car.

8-1960: After opening a Wonka Bar, Ray Charles discovers one of five golden tickets, and flies off to England to take a grand tour of Willy Wonka’s legendary chocolate factory. Two hours into the tour he is escorted from the premises by an Oompa-Loompa brute squad, over the alleged theft of prototype Fizzy Lifting Drinks. The movie version of these real-life events fail to include Mr. Charles.

9-1963: Along with Jean Grey, Hank McCoy, Bobby Drake, and Scott Summers, Ray Charles becomes one of the founding members of the X-Men. He is later replaced by winged pretty-boy Warren Worthington the 3rd. Mr. Charles never speaks to his teammates ever again, referring to them in public interviews as, “those x-friends of mine.”

10-1986: Ray Charles has his first documented scuffle with Kermit the Frog.

11-1999: Growing to 300 stories overnight, Ray Charles becomes the first musician ever to rampage through downtown Tokyo. There he battles Mothra and Rodan in a monstrous free-for-all that the city never recovers from.

12-2004: Ray Charles passes away. Rumor has it he’s playing some fiiiiine music up in heaven.

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Andrew Kaye (known in some circles as AK) is the creator of Ben & Winslow and other questionable comics, many of which can be found in his deviantART gallery. He’s also the editor-in-chief of this magazine. Duh?