What you could buy for the price of everything on Goop’s sex toy list

Instead of $395 nipple clamps, how about some soup?

Happy National Masturbation Month! To celebrate, Goop has supplied us with a list of their favorite sex toys, some to be used alone, some to be used in tandem, but in the grand Goop tradition, all mindbogglingly more expensive than you would regularly pay for a dildo. But then again, what else would you expect from Goop?

Honestly, it’s not a bad idea to invest in a good sex toy. It’s immeasurably preferable than buying them used on Craigslist. But for those of us out of Goop’s targeted tax bracket, here’s what you can get for the price of their most outlandish suggestions.

Well, not exactly free, since presumably you need to pay for the paper and ink needed to print out the cards (and the printer), but other than that, this is the cheapest option. Still, for the price of this card game, you could just have sex right now.

Jaya Saxena is a lifestyle writer and editor whose work focuses primarily on women's issues and web culture. Her writing has appeared in GQ, ELLE, the Toast, the New Yorker, Tthe Hairpin, BuzzFeed, Racked, Eater, Catapult, and others. She is the co-author of 'Dad Magazine,' the author of 'The Book Of Lost Recipes,' and the co-author of 'Basic Witches.'