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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Waiting for my life to start (aka being hormonal)

I want to get married and get a place of our own. Then I want to have kids.

I wrote something very similar to that this afternoon. Then after that I wrote something very close to:

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. I know that's a bad attitude, that I am alive, but...

I became aware of a sadness in me... and I wondered if I was a little depressed...

Then I remembered what 'time of the month' it is and that explained it.

Still, I'm still me no matter if I'm in ultra-woman mode, and my feelings are valid. And I kind of need to cope with them.

I'm feeling crippled. I know what I want in life: I want to marry my fiance. But I can't do that right now. Nothing I can do but wait. I want to have kids. Kind of hard without him, but even if I looked into adopting I'm broke and twenty two. So again, I must wait. And I want to fulfill what God wants for me... but God isn't sharing any specifics. Waiting on God is pretty much the title of the book of my life, and it's a legendary one. It's a lengthy covered topic in scripture. Waiting is good. Waiting is spiritual. Waiting is HARD WORK.

It's much harder work than action.

Action is something you can throw yourself into... and I'm looking for an action.

The truth is, those things above are what I want from life. I'm not motivated by a career goal or something else normal. I like the idea of some things, but they are not sustaining passions. I can do them, but...

I do have my little dog and honestly, she's part of the reason I'm able to get through the days. She looks at me and I know she is part of my family. Not the big umbrella family that my parents and sisters belong to, but the family I'm starting to form. As long as she still lives, she will sit on the lap of my husband and play with my children. She's my little girl and I am SO thankful for her.

Right now there is a job I want, I really want. I feel it would mean something. But for the application I need a valid driver's license. And I only have a permit. Actually, I have an expired permit. And so first I need to renew my permit. Then I need to practice my driving a little more. Then I can get my license. Then I can submit my application for the job. Then I can help fundraise to HAVE the job, because it's with a nonprofit. Then I can do the job, but it'll only be part time, so I'll have to work another job as well. And if I make 15K a year, I'll be surprised and gratified. Meanwhile I will have to pay at least $350 in bills that I'm committed to already, plus probably $100 for car insurance and $200 for gas. Plus I should get health insurance, which will be at minimum 75 if I can find a cheap plan. They start at 60, but I'm overweight. Also, I'll need a professional wardrobe, and money for my dog.

When it comes down to it, I don't know if I'll ever afford to move out of my parents house without help. Like my beloved swooping in like the white knight of cliche fame. Only maybe we'll say he's not a knight but an arch duke snuggle bunny. And instead of gleaming white armor he's clad in a Hawaiin shirt with hula girls on it. And his favorite food is called "Quorn"...

Speaking of which, I saw some in the grocery store yesterday and cried. It's a meat substitute in the vegeterian/organic/foreign section. I opened the freezer door, touched the package, and had tears coming out of my eyes.

I attracted a few stares.

I wanted to buy it just to feel closer to him, but I didn't.

I couldn't have anyway, because my account is overdrawn. Well, it was and I owe my parents even more money now for paying the fees...

You might be wondering why I'm not getting my permit so I can take some action... I'd love to, but getting my parents to take me anywhere is like pulling teeth. Plus, my birth certificate is in horrible condition and when I got my permit the first time they accepted it but told me they were doing me a favor and it took them like five minutes of considering to decide if they would. They implied they wouldn't normally accept it or something. So I want to get another copy. Only I was born 800 miles away. So I looked into vitalcheck.com where you can get a copy of documents like that... and it would only be twenty dollars...

But when your account is overdrawn, that's a lot.

Still, I should just go. Maybe my parents will be persuaded tomorrow. But when I get my permit, I then have to persuade them to let me drive to get confident enough to pass the driving test for my license...

And they've not let me behind the wheel once since I graduated in May.

I know, I'm being whiny and negative. I am sorry. I don't want to be... but I'm just trying to express what I'm feeling right now. And I am feeling whiny and negative. Plus, I am hormonal. :)