You know what the national spelling needs to make it even more compelling? INJURIES. No one ever gets physically injured during a spelling bee. Oh sure, there's extensive PSYCHOLOGICAL damage that occurs when children get eliminated and their dads won't even give them a hug when they get escorted back to their chair. But you never see a kid trying to spell out "babushka" on his palm and then suffer an aneurysm. THINK OF THE DRAMA.

Anyway, I'm here all night to watch the Bee and make with the penis jokes. Feel free to join in down below in the comments, or refresh the window for updates from me. I have a two-month old who eats like a goddamn Mangino, so there may be some slight gaps in the coverage. But fear not. I'll drop that baby on its head at a moment's notice if some unibrowed 12-year-old has a nervous breakdown on stage. Please note that, while these kids are not permitted to make spelling errors, I am. Let's go!

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9:38pm: GUETAPENS! SHE GOT IT! Snigdha is your winner! And kudos to the Bee for delaying the confetti drop for an extra thirty seconds, just to baffle every goddamn one. Congrats, Snigdha! OH SHIT! Sam Steele just congratulated the wrong girl! RAYCESS!!!! Good night, folks.

9:28pm: Stuti gets a word that means "snow blindness." You know, like when you check out the crowd at Fenway. HEY-OOOOOO. She hits it. Stuti apparently went 43 rounds in the prelims. She won't be killed. You're gonna need a silver bullet to take her out.

9:26pm: Snigdha got ADMITTATUR. Hoping she blows on those finger guns after a good palm spelling.

9:24pm: I've just been told that Dr. Bailey's name is actually spelled Dr. Bailly. Just like this Bee to be presided over by a man whose own name is butchered. Bailly isn't a REAL name. I bet his full name is Dwyane Wade Bailly.

9:23pm: We're down to two: Snigdha and Stuti. I hope both of them did a lot of STUTIING for this moment. Huh? Huh? Sorry. It was right there.

9:22pm: Arvind just got bitched by SCHWANNOMA, cancer of the schwa.

9:21pm: We just had our first reference to The Knack. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

9:20pm: Stuti gets it right. "She knew it the whole time," the announcer says. Well then, what took her so long? I HAVE SHIT TO DO.

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9:19pm: Stuti got PROLEGOMENON, which is also the title of the next SyFy made-for-TV film.

9:17pm: Snigdha gets SACCHAROLYTIC, a word that has Greek elements. Those elements? Back hair and walnuts. She aces it.

9:16pm: We have Sage Steele AND Samantha Steele on hand, which means double the ESPN girls with porn star names. I wish they had an extra reporter named CRYSTAL IRONTITS on hand.

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9:13pm: Wouldn't this whole thing be better of Dr. Bailey was replaced by the OTHER Dr. Bailey, Chandra Wilson? This Bee would be 50% sassier. Yes, I know the names of characters from "Grey's Anatomy." Fuck you.

9:11pm: Saucy Lena goes down on GEISTLICH. And she's PISSED. Sage Steele can try and sugarcoat it all she likes. Lena is knee-slappingly angry. Three left.

9:10pm: GLADWELL IS OUT! GLADWELL IS OUT! Goddamn connecting vowels! He's out thanks to VETIVER, which I'm certain has been used here before.

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9:09pm: Little Gladwell gets a word that derives from the original French from "Tamil." Tamil? Oh. TAMIL! Of course! THAT Tamil! Language of the Tamillionaires!

9:05pm: And Gifton gets eliminated thanks to BLATANT RAYCESSNESS. And the lady offstage yelled at him to "please go" while the timer was running out! THE NERVE! Gifton got boned.

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9:04pm: And Gifton gets ERICETICOLOUS. I don't know why he keeps thanking Dr. Bailey. Dr. Bailey is FUCKING HIM IN THE ASS.

8:58pm: Stuti is doing her invisible typing again for CHATOYANT and pulls it out. Do not fuck with her invisible Smith Corona.

8:57pm: Pretty sure Stuti was just asked to spell SHEBOYGAN. Home of Wigwam socks!

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8:55pm: Dr. Bailey just pulled out a fey fashionista impression for LUTEOVIRESCENT, getting chuckles from the crowd. Such an easy audience. Nothing like the Oscars.

8:52pm: Lena hears the hint YTTRIUM for YTTRIFEROUS and gives a fist pump. SHE KNOWS. She hits it.

8:51pm: Little Malcolm Gladwell gets ROUILLE. Food ones are so goddamn easy. Gifton Wright gets PHTHISIOLOGY and some other bastard gets PORK. Gladwell Jr. asks for the spelling, which gets a laugh. You know he kept that one in his pocket for just now. Shrewd timing. He nails it.

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8:50pm: Arvind gets DISHTLEFINK, which is an Amish bird or something. Can you use it in a stew? Can you use it in a comedic animated film? He CRUSHES it.

8:50pm: Oh ho ho! And here's Dr. Bailey making a cappuccino. SUCH MIRTHINESS.

8:44pm: They gave Gifton Wright PHTHISIOLOGY. Are you fucking kidding me?! What a bunch of bullshit. And he throws is right back in Dr. Bailey's face. YOU WON'T GET RID OF GIFTON THAT EASILY, YOU TURD.

8:41pm: Cahill just got the "Do you see the time?" warning from the lady to the side. BITCH, HE KNOWS ABOUT THE CLOCK. And the Tank gets dooced with PORWIGLE. POR FRANK! is what I say.

8:40pm: Frank "The Tank" Cahill is up. I give him the best odds of urinating on Dr. Bailey directly from the stage.

8:39pm: Snigdha! Love that beer.

8:38pm: Holy shit, my oldest kid won't stop coming downstairs. Kids now instinctively when you desperately want them to fall the fuck asleep, and then they go ahead and RUIN EVERYTHING. Go to bed, missy, or else I'll have Dr. Bailey take you down with a well-timed reference to the Bee clock.

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8:33pm: Lena #213 just got her skull blown by OTOSTEON. Oof, and the dickhead announcer Dr. Bailey was like, "No, listen at the beginning." LEAVE HER ALONE, YOU MONSTER.

8:32pm: Little Malcolm Gladwell just hit TURNVEREIN with minimal effort. Now watch him link its usage to the age limits of Junior hockey players.

8:31pm: Little Arvind just nailed MAIEUTIC. I have him as a favorite. You don't show a video of his whole school cheering him on if you don't know he's the ringer.

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8:30pm: Oof, they made the kids pose in wacky outfits for an interstitial. That's the kind of shit you carry with you for years.

8:20pm: Oof. Our girl Jordan is the first victim after getting boned by knishes or whatever. That came after the announcer's meta joke about the Bee. Huge swing in emotions.

8:19pm: If your hair is graying, you have knishes in your head.

8:16pm: Fucking Gifton Wright pulls out HARENGIFORM with the clock running out. TENSE. "Having the shape of a herring." Elton John is HARENGIFORM.

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8:11pm: Girl #3 nails SAHEL. I think short words are bullshit. They want you to think that a word is double sneaky because it's five letters long, but it's so not. I say all words must be 15 letters or more, like SUPADUPAFLYPUSSY.

8:10pm: Christ, they made all the early round losers sit through this. That's BULLSHIT. Hey kid, congrats on not making the final. Please sit here on a boiling hot riser for three hours.

8:08pm: DA-DONG?! DEDANS!

8:07pm: Your opening word is PSAMMON. And the first girl kicks its ass. She asked way too many questions though. Like a pitcher trying to pick off a runner eight hundred times.

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8:00pm: Before we really get into this, please note that I'm quite drunk. Also, the background set looks like the old set of Blockbusters. Remember Blockbusters? With Bill Cullen? No? I'm fucking ancient.