Friday, 28 February 2003

Oh, and didn't I piss myself laughing when I saw the bowling figures from Australia's record breaking win against Namibia this morning? For those of you who haven't seen them let's do a quick review shall we?

So, that Glenn McGrath performance was pretty special eh? You'd hate to be the dud who got flogged by a team that barely made 40 in their innings wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? Ha ha ha ha ha, excuse me while I regain some composure.

Now, please try and explain to me just why Lee is Australia's "most exciting bowling prospect in years" (copyright - everyone). I predicted a long time ago that he would be too useless to even make an impact against the second worst ranked side in the competition and it looks like I was right. And don't start claiming his wickets against India were any good, both of them involved idiots swinging at balls that would have been called wide anyway.

Dear Jebus,

Please let him cost Australia the World Cup final against New Zealand.

Yours sincerely,

Adam from Auckland.

UPDATE - Duncan is my brother in marketing tool related skeptiscm. I feel like i'm a member of the Conspiracy Theory Society or something. Can you see the episode of the ACB version of the X-Files now? (No, I don't care that it's been axed)

Mulder: "We're recieving strange reports of up to two individuals not believing our hype about Brett Lee being the greatest bowler since Lillee"Scully: "Dear god! We better arrange for a few more teenage girls to publicly swoon over him and we must organise a starring gig in a couple more crappy cereal ads or we'll never get a crowd next summer."

Best thing seen today, and let me say i'm quite serious here so any stereotyping is a not a result of personal bias so you can't sue me, a young blonde woman pretending to read the book of the movie Artificial Intelligence from St. Kilda Junction all the way to Glenhuntly. The only problem? She was holding it upside down. Ladies and gentlemen I kid you not. I even got far too close for comfort just to make sure it wasn't one of those two-in-one novel things - sadly not.

Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that dumbass school kids are too busy protesting to learn anything.

Actually, I used to quite like those "all students go on strike" days because it meant the 90% of morons and drug addicts at my school didn't show up and the rest of us could actually learn something for a couple of days per-year.

Thursday, 27 February 2003

I can't believe the ICC are questioning the validity of Kenya's World Cup win over Sri Lanka, yet nobody has said anything about that highly suspicious extra-fest in the India/Holland game earlier in the tournament.

If they still think that match fixing starts and ends at game results after all these years (and the Hansie Cronje debacle) then they're bigger morons than the awarding of co-host duties to Zimbabwe would suggest. The advent of spread betting means that you can win or lose money on almost any aspect of the match - and extras are one of the most popular bets on the subcontinent. I stand by my slanderous assertion that there was definately a fix on extras during the Dutch innings of the earlier game. I assume it was done then because they thought the minimum of people would be watching.

Tuesday, 25 February 2003

General skeptiscm about the genius of The Office. I must say that I didn't quite realise how much I was enjoying it until about episode four, and now that i've seen the whole first series on DVD about six times (sad isn't it?) I appreciate it even more.

Although I do concede that most of the non-blog related people i've beaten with a stick into watching it have returned with the "it's ok, but not as good as you promised" verdict. David Brent is still my favourite philosopher ever.

"You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you’re dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is ‘Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?’ That’s where I come in. You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him."

Monday, 24 February 2003

I've been writing a lot recently about how I hate Telstra Dome, so in the biggest cosmic "up yours" in history i've just spent a whole day staring out a window at the horrible place. I could have chosen to sit somewhere else, but then I wouldn't have had the drama and excitement of the Spencer Street rail yards to look out on.

Further inspection of it's structure still shows a distinct lack of domeness (that's a word now i've decided). The beams on the roof try to make it look like one, but without much success. I guess they'd run out of names after Telstra Stadium and Telstra Park were already taken. What's wrong with the Telstra Arena? Idiots. They have a Dunkin' Donuts Arena in Rochester, NH - that's an exciting trend in corporate sponsorship. I'd like to one day be able to watch AFL at Copperart Park.

Anyway, we had to do a customer service course today. It was all pretty much stating the obvious (don't tell annoying old ladies to hurry up and die etc..) but I did have a chance to impress the world with my acting skills when taking part in one of those normally tedious roleplay things they always make you do. We had to do something "the wrong" way so I decided that I was going to be the worker who gets belted by an irate customer. Suffice to say the way I took the punch and my subsequent death scene was extremely well received, and would have brought a proud tear to the eye of any professional wrestler who observed.

P.S - I bet you can't tell I wrote the last three posts while I was waiting for Blogger to stop doing maintenance can you?

Washington Post interview the author of the worst book ever. Here's a summary of the plot,

George W. Bush would secretly arrange a giant parade in Washington honoring the richest people in America, who would march front to back in order of their net worth. A cadre of earnest, teetotaling college students would get wind of this and, encouraged by Sen. Russ Feingold of Wisconsin, rise up to stage a heroic counter-parade honoring basic American values like morality and hard work.

The article is an absolute classic. He really has no idea how stupid and pointless his novel is.

Greenpeace have apparently decided that the Chinese opposition to a war on Iraq makes them one of the "peaceful three" nations in the world.

To quote a great man "WHAT IN GODS NAME WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?" It's bad enough that Beijing won the right to stage the Olympics (with their new mascot Thomas the Tank) after the Tianamen Square debacle and continued atrocities in Tibet and against their own civilian population but for super-lefties to ignore all this just because it makes some kind of point about their current issue-of-the-week is just obscene.

Dear Greenpeace,

Go back to getting yourselves killed by Norweigan supertankers you hypocritical wankers.

Sunday, 23 February 2003

Jacques Chirac is allegedly coming to Australia. Now the big question, will the same people who protested against him when France were blowing up sizeable chunks of the South Pacific now come out and praise him for actively opposing the war on Iraq? At least for once you could say that the protestors were being consistent, they've stuck with a solid anti-war/weapons platform over the years and Chirac has been the hypocrite picking and choosing when and when not to support military aggression. I guess you could say he's consistently been in favor of nations having weapons of mass destruction but why bother, it's only France.

Hands up if you can honestly say you thought he was a dickhead then, and is still a dickhead now. Hooray for us.

Letters to the paper whinging about the "get on with it" war are starting to get rather tiresome. There's one classic in the Herald-Sun today about the shot (now that's a poor choice of words) on last week's front cover of a soldier kissing her child goodbye as she left for the Persian Gulf.

The point to it was that it's a massive outrage that a woman with children should be going off to fight a war. My problem with that is that you'd think if she had any problem with it herself she might not have, you know, JOINED THE FREAKING ARMY.

Being in the army isn't all about getting tax free pay and sexually harassing your colleagues. You are usually expected to go and fight a war if one breaks out. Hmph, if only I wasn't so tired I could write a 2000 word essay on this topic.

Saturday, 22 February 2003

I got the most bizarre SMS yesterday from a number not in my phone book,

sadam is evil. I can't believe john said I was giving comfort and aid. united is the only way we'll bring him to justice we so have to do what's right for good.

Huh? I wrote back but they never responded to "Who are you and what the hell are you talking about?" I think either a semi-literate person is trying to take the piss or i've been inadvertantly signed up to the "nutters and crackpots SMS super-service".

I like the way they can't decide whether they're pro or anti war, I appreciate that in a mystery stalker.

In other news, the Federal Government has found some non-war related issue to make themselves look like idiots on. Get thee out of our bedrooms you idiots! I hope there isn't a Federal Election anytime soon, because I sure as hell don't want to vote for anybody at the moment and because i've always said that if you don't vote you have no right to criticise the government i'd have to shut up for the next three years.

Friday, 21 February 2003

I f'ing hate Colonial Stadium/Telstra Dome/Hell on Earth. Really I do. I quite enjoyed Melbourne's 43 point win over Richmond tonight, but it's all ruined by having to play at that overpriced sanitised shithole of a ground.

Mind you i'm not happy with the MCG since they killed my beloved Ponsford Stand, i'll have to put up with the Olympic until they knock that down and replace it with another awful Southern Stand-style atrocity.

Other points from tonight,

a) The Wizard Cup rule changes are awful, I hope this is the last year of the madness.b) Richmond are SHIT. Brisbane would have beaten them by 150 tonight. They might run Carlton close for the spoon this year.

Thursday, 20 February 2003

Pat Symcox is a hero, not just because he had a frozen chicken thrown at him on the SCG a few years back. The back page story in the Herald-Sun today about him telling Hershelle Gibbs to fit in or f*ck off is accompanied by a picture that I found quite amusing for some reason.

Read the whole story here if you're more interested in hearty analysis of the story rather than reminisicing about his run in with long deceased poultry in Sydney.

I used to like the Proteas (quiet you) when they had Symcox, Fanie DeVilliers, Dave Richardson, Donald and Rhodes at their peak and Hansje before he got busted for being a cheat. Now there's nothing interesting about them.

Meanwhile, in other news. American school fails to consider that free speech might extend to clothing. All together now "and they wonder why everybody hates them?". Very sad.

Finally, Harness Racing champion Shakamaker is being retired after Saturday night. I'll fondly remember his win in the 2000 Interdominion which landed me a tidy sum. Of course when it comes to great horses, nobody can ever take the place of the myth, the legend, the Count.

Wednesday, 19 February 2003

No idea who Andy Roberts is (he's certainly not the same Andy Roberts who moved from Crystal Palace to Wimbledon for a club record fee during the 1997/98 season), but he links to me and appears to work for a Country and Western radio station. So he gets my personal thumbs up too.

Yes, I am available for interviews on all subjects (Yeah go on you media bastards, you know you want to), even country music. I used to watch CMT all the time before it got molested and turned into the ill-fated Music Country. Of course this all lead to the creation of MusicMax, which is the best channel on Foxtel so I guess it all balanced out in the end. Now I can watch my TV god Doug Mulray host Live from the Basement every morning from 7am. Watch it and keep the great man in a job.

I do miss those rather jolly ads for the CMT Top 10 countdown though, and the hardcore airplay of Diamond Rio videos.

I was going to restrain myself and leave the Australia/India game alone, but I must say I almost flipped it when all the press concerned Lee's 3/36 off 9, rather than Gillespie's 3/13 off 10. If you can't market a fast bowler who looks like a serial killer then you're not really trying in my opinion.

Besides, two of Lee's wickets came from particuarly stupid shots. And don't tell me that it was a 'trap', because any half decent batsman would have flayed him to all parts of the ground.

They're resting him against Holland, which is probably a good thing for the Dutch. After his attempted murder of Alex Tudor during the Ashes you'd have to wonder how much glee he would take trying to knock over (quite literally) an entire team of amateurs. Glenn McGrath is playing though, because you'd hate to actually give some time off to the best fast-bowler of the generation who has had a recent injury.

The most interesting thing about going back and forth from the city every day is following the massive flame war going on on the walls between Camberwell (maybe even further back) and East Richmond. It's all about some comedian coming in writing his own hilariously stupid and often misspelt comments over the graffiti that's been there for years. Sample insults include "I tag because I like to have sex with men", "suffor!" and "taggers are fagorts". It's a highly intellectual debate, but unfortunately the graffiti artists haven't put their reply to the allegations down yet. A 0-0 draw on the intelligence stakes, but at least it provides some entertainment during the trip.

No preview either this week, because i'm a lazy git, so i'll leave you with this exciting piece of news. The man, the myth, the former armed robbery suspect Con Boutsianis is now BACK at South Melbourne. Happy days are here again!

Does anyone else find it ironic that the French are having a whinge about innocent people getting killed in an Iraqi war when they're the people who bombed the Rainbow Warrior and supplied both sides with weapons and support during the Rwandan genocide? Not only that but then they treated the same people who publically incited the mass-murder as guests in their country.

And who was that detonating a small South Pacific island a few years ago? You'd hate to test a weapon that would kill innocent civilians wouldn't you? Stupid Frenchies, way to take the moral high-ground when it suits you.

What's that you say? "Stop bringing up the past" Ok then, let it never again be said that this conflict could "end up like Vietnam", that the Americans dropped nuclear weapons on Japan or that Saddam Hussein is a mad dictator - because you'd hate to actually introduce truth into the debate.

I think a very important switch in my brain has switched to "crack it" tonight.

If Saddam Hussein wants long-term acceptance from the West he should do what China did and throw a truckload of money at the IOC. Just like they did with Beijing the entire world will forget the atrocities and human rights violations committed by the regime if an above board and not all corrupt* organisation like the Olympic committee legitimise you.

Sounds a bit like the whole Mugabe/Zimbabwe thing doesn't it? And yet I don't hear anyone saying we should be boycotting the 2008 Summer Olympics. Could this have anything to do with the the left not wanting to shaft their buddies and the right not wanting to jeopardise lucrative contracts? Isn't it lucky that Zimbabwe isn't one of our major trading partners or you might still be under the impression that the Mugabe regime are quite nice but misunderstood people.

Personally i'm waiting for Tibet to be turned into a Bobsled track in time for our great friends to host the 2014 Winter Games.

You might guess that i'm in favour of a 2008 boycott, even if nobody else in the world is.

Well, i've done an honest days work for the first time in 2 1/2 years, and I must say I quite enjoyed it.

Bizarrely one of the first things we were shown (in an OH&S video) was the Valley Parade fire from 85ish. For anyone who isn't familiar with it, Bradford City were celebrating promotion from the (then) 3rd division in the last game of the season but somebody dropped a cigarette into the piles of rubbish under the all-timber stand and a small blaze pretty soon developed into a horrible inferno where about 60 people were killed. It was pretty disturbing footage that i'd only ever seen in part before, the most offensive thing of all being the pissed up yobbos jumping up and down in front of the cameras chanting "We love you City, we do" while people were running around on fire behind them.

So, that was quite nasty. I assume they were trying to make a point about how quickly fire can spread and all that, but it really was quite unnecessary.

Then, in far more entertaining news, we got a "Don't be pissed on the job" video hosted by the guy who played Inspector Grace on Prisoner. I didn't think anyone else there would have watched the show since it finished in 1986 so I had to sit there in silence and enjoy his finest moment in the last 15 years.

So, no A-Grade political comment and analysis here today (or ever for that matter).

Apparently Con Boutsianis is back at South Melbourne though, which is bloody good news after the debacle against the Knights yesterday put our finals chances in terminal doubt.

Sunday, 16 February 2003

If I had to sit down and name the three most evil places in the world the All-Star Cafe would come in only just below Saddam Hussein's Presidential Palace and Pete Townshend's hard-drive.

It used to be good, really it did. The night it jumped the shark was the second last game of the 1999/2000 Premier League season. Wimbledon needed some kind of result to have a chance of staying up, the game was being shown on Fox and i'd just come from a wedding completely hammered. Now, that wasn't the reason they wouldn't let me in - oh no - that was being hidden very nicely indeed. The reason the gorilla on the door denied me was because he didn't like my ID.

So, all throughout the first half I was trying to watch the game through the big "feck off" curtains they have with the bouncer idiot giving me dirty looks. Then I tried to sneak in one time too many at the start of the second half and he almost belted me one for it. We gave up at that point and trudged back to the car with the score at 2-1 Villa and the Dons with one foot in the first division when we walked past a sports store near the food court with Foxtel showing on their TV screens. After a few minutes of pleading and begging they agreed to change it to the game.

Long-enough-already story short, 90th minute and John Hartson buries the ball from a corner to salvage a 2-2 draw. Much joy is had and confused crowds who don't follow teams that fight relegation battles looked on in amazement as I sunk to the floor in celebration.

Of course they threw it all away the week after by losing to Southampton at the same time as Bradford were taking a shock (and highly suspicious) three points off Liverpool at Valley Parade and were relegated to the First after all.

It was about this time that the All-Star went from being a sports-bar to a yuppie hell-hole. They took out the awesome trivia game they had where you could play against people all over the country, they started making gulliable people fork out cover-charges and started playing irritating and loud music (backed up with strobe lighting) that turned the place into an "epileptics stay out" zone.

So, it was with apprehension I went there last night to watch the Arsenal-Manchester United FA Cup 5th Round game (or "Premier League" game as the moron announcer who works there called it). You can look back through the archives for all the reasons I hate Man. Ure, and i'm not exactly a huge fan of Arsenal either but they're definately the lesser of two evils when it comes to bandwagon teams.

We got there early enough to dodge the cover charge, laughing at those poor bastards who showed up after 9pm and had to pay $25 (!). When we arrived they were showing a wide variety of sports across their screens which was nice, but as soon as the Cricket started everything else was obliterated and we got to watch India collapse wall-to-wall. Well, almost wall-to-wall, the two of us who were there to watch the Rugby League Charity Shield made enough noise to win the concession of having that shown on one screen.

That was our victory, but then in the hour before the FA Cup game started the arsehole programmer got his revenge by showing - and I still can't believe it - the Australia/Uruguay World Cup qualifier from 2001. That was my night over right there, the third most depressing match ever (behind Australia/Iran and Bradford/Liverpool) and this moron was playing it because it was probably the only match he's ever seen in his life.

Well anyway, the game finally started and comically Arsenal walked all-over the Manc bastards, winning 2-0. Even more satisfying because the entire Man. Ure supporters club (bandwagon jumping scum) were in attendance. And, of course, they had the nerve to chant about Arsenal cheating. Shall we get the log of suspicious decisions involving them out? I remember Diego "waste of space" Forlan taking his shirt off after scoring a goal against Southampton and then defending for two minutes without it on. I also remember half their team assaulting the referee a few years ago and getting away with it. Let's not even mention Cantona launching himself into the Selhurst Park crowd and booting a Crystal Palace fan in the head that time.

I don't think half of them understood what was going on anyway, i'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

So, in conclusion, if I ever express a desire to return to the All-Star Cafe again you may all come around here and shoot me.

Friday, 14 February 2003

Well, it's that time of the year again. The one day in February when three-quarters of the Western world prostitute themselves because the Hallmark Corporation tells them to.*

On that note, welcome to the 1st Annual TSP Corporate Love Day Spectacular.

Personally I don't understand why we can't all be nice to each other during the rest of the year. If your significant other only feels obliged to do something romantic for you just one day a year that is NOT a good thing. You might think red roses and frankly embarassing declarations of love in the newspaper are sweet but they hardly make up for the time he felt up your 17-year-old sister or she chopped your door down with an axe when adultery was suspected does it**? DOES IT? There, now you're starting to see my point.

Speaking of those painfully tragic public newspaper notices, let's take a look at this years best from #1 Bogan paper-of-choice the Herald-Sun.

Ok, well I could only get through to C before I wanted to go and shoot some people, so here's what I found before I started contemplating mass murder.

Bad Poetry

* Romance on this Valentine's DayIs looking rather bleakSo come on Mr RomanceYou're running out of hours,This only comes but once a yearSo where's my bloody flowers?

* I love you, you love me, together is what we should be

* Chapel Street is a place to eat, but for you me it was a place to eat*

* Alexia Hodges U R Fine. Alexia Hodges U R Mine

Embarassing Revelations

* Andrew. My surfy boy, door is almost opened

Then suddenly a trend appears, at least I hope the second guy is talking about Rod Stewart as well.

* Make sure ther champagne's chilled and the new Rod Stewart album is playing when I get home. I've a surprise for you

* Babycakes - make sure there's a CD player in the bedroom, I wanna give you some classic Rod. Love - Ed

* Babbsy,LET is be known that on this day I publicly proclaim that BABBSY of SUNBURY is the KING, the world's greatest lover and stayer! That there is no one that will ever match him in or out of bed! I hereby today give him all my heart full of love and affection, and my body full of desire for his exclusive use only.Signed - Nellie.

Thursday, 13 February 2003

Well, I don't remember actually posting those last two entries. I recall writing them, but after that it's all a blur. I guess we're all lucky that I didn't write something about two hookers and a paper-bag full of cash then.

So then, let's go through some of what I wrote and see whether it still stands up to scrutiny after several hours sleep.

"I think everyone has drawn their own conclusions on the Rasheed Latif debacle. Mine? To paraphrase the man himself, he's a cunt."

True, and I look forward to him touring Australia sometime soon to face our notoriously drunk and abusive good natured crowds.

"Except to say that the number of wides being bowled by India in their game against Holland was the most corrupt thing i've ever seen in my life."

God yes, they weren't even trying to hide it. If you are reading this from the Indian Cricket Board please form an orderly queue behind Rasheed Latif if you want to sue.

"i've spent the best part of the last 12 hours wandering around city streets aimlessly (sober no less)"

Spotted in that time,

* Rodents galore.* A pisshead sleeping in the middle a major city road.* A Crown Casino patron relieving himself in the middle of the street (not the same one where the guy was sleeping).* Some guy being made to wait nervously outside a brothel on a main road for about two minutes until somebody answered the door.* Not one roving band of criminals, perverts or any underground cults.

"Now, if you enjoyed watching that game for gods sake come and watch the NSL - if I haven't been bashed by now you probably won't be either."

Ubersportingpundit has his excuse. You are hereby pardoned, the rest of you please have your explanation on my desk ASAP.

So there you go, half-unconcious Adam agrees with wide awake and alert (but not alarmed) Adam. That's good news.

Curious that just when they're trying to convince the world of how necessary a war against Iraq is the Americans 'discover' a tape allegedly by Osama Bin Laden purporting to support Iraq (or something, read the real details somewhere more credible).

If you want to turn Iraq in the "Park and Ride Middle Eastern Carpark Complex" then just do it, stop trying to convince us all with flimsy evidence.

And that, my friends, is the most cohesive social and political commentary you're going to get out of me in my current state.

Except to say that the number of wides being bowled by India in their game against Holland was the most corrupt thing i've ever seen in my life. They should all be banned for life. And speaking of banning cricket players, I think everyone has drawn their own conclusions on the Rasheed Latif debacle. Mine? To paraphrase the man himself, he's a cunt.

Back almost certainly tomorrow with the TSP Corporate Love Day Spectacular I.

So, i'm hungry and tired. I haven't slept for a day, and i've spent the best part of the last 12 hours wandering around city streets aimlessly (sober no less) but I don't care because i've seen Australia DO England 3-1 and for the first time ever i'm proud to be an Aussie soccer fan.

Watched it on the big screen at Federation Square with a sizeable crowd. I'm still suspicious of these Green and Gold Army types who follow the national teams but not local club sides but I must admit they put on a good show today.

And to put the massive exclamation mark on the day I had a minor disagreement with some punk idiot and then ten minutes later saw him getting arrested at Flinders Street. Unfortunately my complete lack of energy precluded me from serenading it with a good old fashioned chorus of "you're going home in the back of a divvy van".

Now, if you enjoyed watching that game for gods sake come and watch the NSL - if I haven't been bashed by now you probably won't be either.

Monday, 10 February 2003

Expected results flew out the window this week as the NSL went upset crazy.

After the Kingz and Marconi played out a bore draw on Friday night it was all action.

Melbourne's departing import Bizcayanu gave his side the best possible going-away present by scoring from penalty spot in their 1-1 draw with Newcastle and keeping slim finals hopes alive

Brisbane's rollercoaster year took another swing upwards on Saturday night when they beat Parramatta 3-0 in front of 1,398 diehards at Ballymore. In this topsy-turvy season nothing is certain anymore, the Strikers who were in crisis mode last week are now finals contenders again while Power have gone from outsider for the title to struggling to hold a place in the 6 within a week.

Northern Spirit showed no ill-effects playing their third game in a week and beat Wollongong by the same score in Sydney. The result all but ends the Wolves title hopes, but leaves the Spirit with some hope of making it.

Adelaide City consolidated their place in the finals with a 2-1 win over an awful South Melbourne side. South's goal came in the last minute when the game was well and truly dead, their finals tilt now in more trouble than the early settlers. City's win, however, puts them in the box seat to see finals action this season.

A hotly contested local derby between Sydney United and Olympic Sharks ended a 1-1 draw in front of a pathetic crowd of approximately 3000. Olympic have their championship to point out when it comes to kicking teams out of the league at the end of the year, United's empty trophy cabinet and bad crowd behaviour may be enough to sink them for good.

Back with a preview of next weeks action on Wednesday. Don't forget the Australia/England match live on SBS from 7am Thursday, my fearless prediction is a 2-1 win to Australia after England bring on their B team for the second half.

"Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. ‘If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.’ Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits."

Make sure you watch The Office next Wednesday night on the ABC, I personally recommend it as one of the funniest shows for years. Check your local guides for details. This is the first decent thing Aunty has spent our money on for years.

Everywhere I go I read something about somebody connected to blogging (no matter how tenuously) writing a column for a major newspaper or magazine, and I want in.

What's that you say? "Adam, you talk complete and utter crap". And that, my friends, is exactly what is going to take me right to the top of the print-media in this country (and why stop there, i'll have radio and TV as well thankyou)

Look at it this way. If you took everything that I wrote in a typical week, filtered out the volumes of crap and gave star-billing to the one insightful and/or interesting thing amongst it all you'd probably find enough to fill half of the "nobody cares" page in any magazine printed in this flat, brown, mysterious country.

So, write to your favourite editors and MP's now and tell them that you want more sex, drugs and chicken in the media and i'm the person to deliver it. Obviously you should replace the word "i'm" with Adam, or you might end up getting my spot and then I might have to terminate you with extreme prejudice.

Americans obviously concerned about threat of war, decide to do something about it

Two women were arrested Saturday night for displaying sexual behavior in the shop window of Nogginz, located on the 500 block of State Street.

Officers on patrol approached the store after 2:30 a.m. when they noticed a crowd yelling and cheering in front of the window. They arrived to find 23-year-old Amy Williams, a Nogginz employee from Ionia, Mich., and Madison resident Meagan Kleinheinz, 22, engaging in sexual activity. Williams wore nothing but her pants around her ankles.

As the officers confronted the women, the eight to 10 males outside watching began to boo the officers, Sgt. Ann Lehner said.

German not happy about war, stabs man in desperate plea for peace.

A German tourist stabbed an American at a central Philippine beach resort during an argument over military action against Iraq, police said Monday.

"According to the German guy, he didn't want war, but the American said they were a strong nation and they could pulverize Iraq," Moalboal police chief Henry Obiso told The Associated Press by telephone. "I admonished them to avoid drinking excessively and leave such a delicate topic to their governments.

An argument in favor of video games,

Twenty-somethings may be great at blasting aliens out of the virtual sky, but most can't shoot a deer or hook a trout in the real world.

The number of people aged 18 to 24 who participate in hunting or fishing has been on the decline for the last decade, according to the latest numbers from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.

Experts say the proliferation of video games, a lack of exposure to nature and a misperception of the sports have all contributed to the decline of young people stalking prey.

And finally, uptight American lawmakers give us another reason to hate their country,

Donated plaques with the motto "In God We Trust" would be posted in all state buildings and public schools under a bill passed by a House committee Thursday.

The measure's sponsor, Rep. Debbie Stafford, an Aurora Republican, choked back tears when she told of a serviceman headed to Kuwait who asked her for a flag.

She also talked about her stomach "turning" when she received an e-mail from an "unpatriotic" local high school teacher who said he wouldn't post the plaque in his classroom.

Well, I FINALLY got the Terror booklet in the mail (what would I have done if there was a chemical or biological attack on Hawthorn East in the last week eh? I would have been dead) and what a pissy little package it is. Everything i'd ever seen of it led me to believe it was going to be a massive volume of helpful information and propaganda.

Instead they tell you what to do if your child becomes scared of a terrorist attack. Tell them to get over it? Get them to ring up the hotline and ship your muslim neighbours to ASIO? The possibilities are endless.

The best bit is the fake John Howard signature. They try to make it look as real as possible, but why? Who is going to sit there and think "well, he autographed 17,000,000 of these. What a guy!"

And the commissioner of the Federal Police looks like a 70's porn star, if that's any help.

Saturday, 8 February 2003

Regular readers, friends, search engine consumers.

If you read this page just once more make sure it's this Friday when we celebrate the first ever TSP Corporate Love Day Spectacular.

Yes, for your entertainment and mine on that day i'll be running a critical idea over the classifieds in the Herald-Sun and reporting the worst of the stupid nicknames, outrageous marriage proposals and quoted Bryan Adams lyrics.

That's this Valentine's Day here at TSP - where we'll be asking for less flirtation and more devestation.

I sold my soul on Ebay early last year for comedy value. Some idiot actually paid $13.50 for a piece of paper saying they owned it. Now, what I ask is if nobody can prove the soul exists then they can't prove that there's just one of them either can they? Therefore this could be the greatest scam moneymaking venture ever!

And Perth's relentless march towards another Grand Final is temporarily halted by the bye. They did, of course, lose three points during the week for playing an unregistered player in Round One but that shouldn't stop them from finishing first and taking a huge advantage into the finals series.

Fearless Prediction - Newcastle United 4, Melbourne Knights 1

While you're there check out some of the most pointless statistics in the history of sports. Did you know that during Andrew Marth's 500 game NSL career he has played in front of a total of 2,158,400 people? Well, you do now.

Incidentally, for anyone who missed it Northern Spirit beat Parramatta 1-0 during the week in a previously postponed game. This upset doesn't change my view that the Power are the most promising outsider for the championship.

I just got the greatest version of the "Nigerian Scam" email in history. Have a go at this,

I am a 23 years old and a British citizen who was taken to Brunei by my father at the young age of 12. He deceived me that I was going there on vacation and later married me off to a wealthy Prince in Brunei who is 30 years older than me.

A highly believable plot i'm sure you'll agree,

After I got my freedom back I have been allowed by my husband to have access to his businesses.

But apparently 'freedom' is a relative concept in the Sultanate because,

Right now I have mapped out a plan of escape out of Brunei,

Despite all this she's nice enough to offer me $1.6m. Which is a bit of a rort, because Collins Emordi of the African Standard Development Bank was promising more than $30m.

In the past week i've also had ones claiming to be from Yugoslavia (they obviously hadn't heard about it being renamed), Sierra Leone and Kenya. My life won't be complete, though, until I see an "I am trapped in Dubbo! Please help!" Australian version.

The great "worst song of all time" debate continues here, here, here and probably 3000 other places.

Apparently the official winner is "Mr. Roboto" by Styx. Really, it's not THAT bad. Certainly nothing reaching the cavernous lows of the vocodered-to-death Believe or the inadvisable attempts by the men to sing on ABBA's "Does Your Mother Know?"

And for sheer inappropriateness I stand by my earlier comment that "Sweat (A-La-La-Long)" by Inner Circle is the winner. Even as an 11/12 year old I thought there was something highly suspicious about those lyrics when everybody was singing them and it was on TV every five minutes.

Canadian schoolchildren have been banned from a poster contest in the United States because of Canada's shaky support of the American position on Iraq.

"It's subject to change if your leaders stop hedging. Germany's in the same boat," George Knox, director of the centre, told the Winnipeg Free Press. "This is a time in history when we need to be together."

And then they wonder why so many people think that they're idiots?

Elsewhere,

The first notes in the longest and slowest piece of music in history, designed to go on for 639 years, are being played on a German church organ on Wednesday.

The three notes, which will last for a year-and-a-half, are just the start of the piece, called As Slow As Possible.

Composed by late avant-garde composer John Cage, the performance has already been going for 17 months - although all that has been heard so far is the sound of the organ's bellows being inflated.

Wednesday, 5 February 2003

Officials claim the boy pinned at least one female classmate and touched her breasts and genital areas at the school May 13, while students were left briefly unattended during a presentation of the movie Mary Poppins. He also allegedly touched some other girls at that same time... Under the plea deal, the 8-year-old defendant is to take part in the county's Juvenile Sex Offender Rehabilitation Program and serve juvenile probation for two years.

How many more lives does this English bint have to ruin before she's banished forever?

There is an insidious new trend emerging in the home entertainment market. Rental version DVD's. Apparently some cocaine-snorting ponce with a ponytail decided that people weren't buying enough DVD's and now they only sell versions to your local Blockbuster that have all the extras ripped out. Bastards.

Then they have the nerve to put on an anti-piracy ad that claims "copyright theft" funds terrorism. They deserve everything they get if you ask me.

Meanwhile I had a marvellous result at JB Hi-Fi on the way back. Stopping in to pick up the newly-released DVD of the first series of The Office I was shattered when they were sold out, but instead I got the equally great first series of The New Statesmen, with Rik Mayall. Genius.

Tuesday, 4 February 2003

On a similar note we now find ourselves asking what is the Worst Rock Song Ever. Of course the hillbillies who vote there nominate sadly-underappreciated tunes like The Final Countdown, so what would they know?

Let's broaden the base a bit and go for Worst Song Ever in any category. I hereby nominate the following,

* Believe (Cher) * Spirit in the Sky (Norman Greenbaum)* Does Your Mother Know? (ABBA) * Rapture (Blondie)* Winds of Change (The Scorpions)* I Wanna Know What Love Is (Foreigner)* Informer (Snow)* All Out Of Love (Air Supply)* More Than A Woman (Bee Gees) * Shiny Happy People (REM)* Remember the Days of the Old School Yard (Cat Stevens)* Peace Train (Cat Stevens)* Sk8er Boi (Avril F'ing Lavigne)* Bi (Living Colour)* Sweat (Inner Circle) And god damn it, so many others that don't readily come to mind at the moment.

Of course, you may love more than one of these with all your heart - and then you have every right in the world to come around and kick my head in.

There's most much that can be said regarding our beloved Premier Steve Bracks ALLEGEDLY being on the piss at the Heineken Classic on Sunday. Read about it here if you need a recap on his antics, and oh-so-lame "it was the microphone's fault!" excuse.

Suffice to say that once you've heard the actual sound-bite (and a shiny new donkey to the first person to post it somewhere) you'll be convinced that he was ALLEGEDLY off his face. Congratulations if you voted for him, he's one of the plebs now.

And while we're allegeding things, how about that Wayne Carey? What an alleged DIRTY HORNBAG!

Coming soon to a fridge near you, the Paranoia Magnet. I'm comforted by the fact that the next time I open my Kelvinator and find nothing but three week old lettuce and a jar containing substances of unknown origin that Steve Leibman and his funky crew of trained conspiracy theorists will be ready to recieve my call at any time of the day and talk me through the impending crisis.

Incidentally I heard a speaker tonight who spent twenty minutes saying why there should be a war on Iraq and then ruined all his good work by claiming that the main reason to attack is because Hussein and Iraq are the only people possesing weapons of mass destruction that have ever used them.

I think he's forgetting the little matter of two Japanese cities almost being wiped off the face of the planet in 1945, and the tons of various chemical junk the US poured over half of South-East Asia during the Vietnam War. I realise conflict is inevitable, and in a lot of ways i'm in favour of it but do we really have to indulge in such hypocrisy?

Bugger this "finding weapons" caper, let's just say Saddam has committed crimes against humanity and he must face justice. Simple but true. Then you can start your little war and get it over with ASAP. I simply won't buy this "going into exile" crap either (unless they nick him the moment he lands in another country). Either do your best to bring him to trial for his crimes or forget the whole thing.

Monday, 3 February 2003

Another week gone and the top clubs have effectively ended the race for the top two. Now we are left with is the mad scramble for the other four places in the top six, a contest which mathematically is open to any of the clubs from 3rd to 13th.

Friday night saw Marconi bounce back from last weeks 7-0 hammering and beat new NSL 'crisis club' Brisbane 2-1 in Sydney. The Strikers are sliding slowly towards oblivion, and not putting up much of a fight along the way.

In Adelaide the home side took a two-nil lead within 15 minutes and then suffered the kind of reverse that drives managers to the bottle, losing 3-2 to Newcastle, who moved into 3rd place.

Wollongong kept their fight for a finals place alive by beating the disappointing Sydney United 2-1 at WIN Stadium.

Perth easily accounted for Northern Spirit 3-0. No surprises there, unless of course you expected the Glory to rack up double figures against the struggling Sydneysiders.

In Melbourne, the Knights threw away a lead to lose 2-1 to the Kingz. Not only did the result dent their slim finals chances but it was also the last appearance of import Gustavo Biscayzacu who has accepted a more lucrative contract in the Chilean Second Division.

And in the match of the round Sydney Olympic scored a last minute winner to take the points against South Melbourne 3-2 in front of yet another pathetic Shark Park crowd. The win almost almost assured them a top two place, and put some doubt into South's finals campaign. It was also South's second injury time loss by the same scoreline in the Harbour City this year.

Meanwhile, for anyone who is interested as to where I heard that first reporter suggest terror it was BBC Radio 5 which interrupted it's preview of the days English/Scottish league football to interview a spokesperson from NASA. I'm happy to report that she bitchslapped the (admittedly out of his depth not discussing sports) presenter severely and dismissed the question as "not at all appropriate".

It's also disappointing that they've yanked all the ironic interviews out of the archives where the astronauts say something horribly prophetic. The most chilling one is where the daughter of the Israeli pipes up right in the middle of him talking and says "The spaceship goes boom."

On another, culture related, note - does this mean the Homer in Space episode of the Simpsons will now join the WTC one in the "not to be shown" file? Considering that it does feature the shuttle almost breaking up on re-entry (only to be saved, of course, by the inanimate carbon rod) i'd wager that we've seen the last of that particular episode for a long, long time; which is fair enough I suppose.

Saturday, 1 February 2003

Good grief, I just found something that I had written on a BBS in 1996 that has been archived on the net, and it's frightening to say that even seven years ago (when I was a mere 14 years old for gods sake) I actually used terms like

Just goes to show that I hit my peak years ago and it's all been downhill since. That the thread involves me whinging about problems with my 14.4k modem would seem to indicate some things have advanced though.

Oh, and I also found a comment I emailed to Instapundit actually got a mention on the page (which I obviously missed). Imagine if i'd actually included my URL and scabbed a free link, i'd probably be rich and famous now. A bit anyway.

Googling for your own name? Sad but fun. And I should point that if you go back through the archives, connect my first name to surname and decide to do a search of your own - any of the 80 results that come up might be about the OTHER Adam ******* who is, ummmm, someone else and certainly not me.

So, when Channel 10's news department aren't busy making shocking factual errors they've got somebody writing frankly offensive material. Tonight's effort was "Sports Tonight - The place to find all the money shots". Now, if you don't quite understand that reference then i'm sure there are thousands (millions?) of websites that could help you. I bet the control room were pissing themsleves laughing over that one.

PS - If you're playing the Channel 10 News bloopers lottery score another point if you spotted them showing the first 30 seconds of the Adelaide news on Friday night after the Melbourne one cut out. Way to blow the surprise that it's taped from here you duds.