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He Won't Leave, Exact year from Dday#1

I tried, I reall did. Over the past 12 months from Dday #1 out of 5 Ddays and TT that lasted 6 months long, my heart's not in it. I'd rather be companions, but it's getting impossible. We don't like each other, we argue ALL the time. To top it off I have OCD. WTF!! Really OCD about his affairs. Nice, lucky me. As if this wasn't hard enough. I know now why I can't get over it. If he accidentally slept with someone while drunk, once. Maybe I could forgive him. But 3 years, 8 OW, 1 LTA of a year, while I had absolutely NO IDEA. I was busy having babies and working 12 hour days to notice. No wonder I can't get over it. That was straight out abuse, emotionally and sexually depriving me for 3 years of my life and I thought it was all my fault the whole time.

We dropped MC/IC last week after the last six months of "trying." He joined a chemical dependency program for about 2 weeks. He only had 4 more weeks to go to complete it. Now he tells me, he wants to spend time with the boys those 3x a week he's supposed to have program. And, he wants to drink again. In the beginning his excuse was he cheated bc of drinking, which I no longer believe thanks to Sammy Baker. (Thanks, hon.) So my logic, was no drinking, AA/12 step, etc. Well, he didn't bite.

I don't feel attached to him, I actually have no love for him, he irritates me, he takes advantage financially and honestly he has no where to go. So, my problem now is I can't get him to leave. And, really I'm paying rent, his car payment, supporting our family, why wouldn't he go. He has a free ride. He kind of works, but that's a whole other story.

Ok, I'm just venting. And now that I don't have IC anymore, this felt pretty damn good to get off my chest. I am seeking a psychiatrist, doing the 180, focusing on myself and the boys, doing my own thing, etc.

I don't need him and don't know how to get out of all this...It makes it hard because my OCD is relationship based. Hopefully, my new shrink can help.

Thanks for anyone listening.

You all rock and have hearts of steel. I know it's hard and I completely feel your pain...

ajsmom posted 11/21/2013 10:25 AM

Why aren't you leaving?

AJ's MOM

GabyBaby posted 11/21/2013 10:27 AM

I'd stop paying "his" bills and start saving money to get your own place for you and the kids.

libertyrocks posted 11/21/2013 10:30 AM

Becuase we have a lease under MY name. It's up in April. EVERYTHING'S under my name. All the cars, the credit cards, the savings, the checking. EVERYTHING. I did everything. I learned about it in my group Alcohol meetings. Since, he was drunk for so long, I took over all the resposibilities...It's a horrible cycle of alcoholism.

File. Make sure your lawyer puts in clause for him to be evicted from home.
Some states it's 30 days. Day 31, call the police and they will take him off the property.
Good luck.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 11/21/2013 10:44 AM

Shut down the credit cards, take him off as a approved user. If the savings and such are in your name, shut down his access.

ButterflyGirl posted 11/21/2013 10:53 AM

Everything is in my name too..

You said it. It's abuse.

I'm not in my house and probably gonna file bankruptcy, but anything was worth it to stop the abuse and manipulation.

I've healed so much since leaving him, and I feel your pain when you post. I promise your life will lift off more than you know when you get away from him. Figure out a way. Any way.

Kelany posted 11/21/2013 11:26 AM

Oh sweetie.

First, I'm proud of you fir no longer accepting his excuse and recognizing it for what it is.

Second, contact a lawyer baby and get your bitch boots on.

I believe in you. I really do.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 11/21/2013 11:31 AM

Hi, liberty

Hopefully when you are even partially rid of this crazymaking relationship and person your OCD may magically go away. How long have you had it? So don't give up hope or get too far into that "diagnosis". Our bodies are constantly changing. Of course I love thinking outside the box.

Good luck.

tushnurse posted 11/21/2013 12:48 PM

You need to remove the poison in your life. Your OCD issues will go away, or at least be managable, when the anxiety that is fueling it is gone.

He doesn't really work? Fine go sell his car (which is yours and in your name). Take him off as a user on the CC's, and checking, and debit accounts. Send him to the local homeless shelter, and if he isn't happy with that too damn bad.

YOU are strong, and YOU deserve far more, so start demanding it.

Time to change the locks, and send him on his merry little way.

((((and strength))))

StillLivin posted 11/21/2013 14:00 PM

Ew tushnurse, I love everything you said. Hahaha, especailly the homeless shelter.
Libertyrocks, would you be a sweetie and be so kind as to even give him a ride to the homeless shelter...seeing as he doesn't have a car to take himself!
Bwahahahahaha

Skan posted 11/21/2013 16:43 PM

Well, now you have a deadline and a goal. Your lease is up in April. You may or may not renew the lease, but no matter which, he will not be on the lease nor will he be put on any lease/rental agreement as an occupant. Therefore he will have no legal right to be there and therefore if you stay and he doesn't leave, he can be escorted out by the police. If you find another place, he doesn't move with you. His problem where he stays.

So, worse case scenario, you have a few months to dis-entangle your finances, close all accounts that are joint, cancel credit cards, get your lawyer moving, etc. You can SO do this!

libertyrocks posted 11/22/2013 12:04 PM

Thank you everyone. I told him last night I wasn't in love with him, don't love him, and frankly I don't like him as a person. He flipped out. He's not going to leave. I'm basically going to have to line my ducks in a row and make a run for it. I think he's NPD. He's so cold, not really remorseful and never really was. He just wants to avoid the whole thing and "move forward." I can't move forward when I don't know what happened. Till this day he still doesn't "remember" the fist time he cheated on me, still won't answer my questions, thanks to our MC's. They say the details don't matter, that I obsess and will always find questions to ask so I can be hurt. All I know is I. fucking. hate. that. guy.

If you have to pay for the lease on the car do that until the lease is up. Then no more cars for him unless he can do it on his own.

Stop doing things like his laundry, cooking for him (cook and feed you and the kids), etc. Take him off all your credit and debit cards. Report them stolen, that you need new cards and that you are the only one authorized to use them.

Keep track of all expenses - so he cannot claim spousal support or anything like that. I'm guessing everything you have is going to support the family. Even close your bank account and reopen it strictly in your name. Give him an "allowance". Do not keep cash in your purse or around the house. Assume he'll take it. Remove anything of value from the house that can be easily pawned - jewelry, collectibles, etc. Get a safe deposit box or keep them with a very trusted friend or family member.

With a history of substance abuse (alcohol) he cannot be trusted. I would also contact the car place you leased it from and weigh your options. If he crashes or does something to that car you may be liable. If it is your car, you can also move it to a friends garage for storage until April. Hell, if he takes it, you can report it stolen and he can go to jail if you tell him that he can no longer drive it.

See an attorney about the abuse and see if you can get him out of the house on those allegations.

RidingHealingRd posted 11/25/2013 01:26 AM

I do not understand why you are not seeking a D? Get an attorney and work to get him out.

sisoon posted 11/25/2013 04:45 AM

I'm sorry it's come down to this. I wish you strength and a good attorney.