Off to the land of unlimited pad thai, spring rolls, and thai tea. Ummm…sign me up!

Starting off: The exotic land of Thailand means one main thing: SHIRTLESS SEAN (x2). High-five ABC, it was expected and delivered.

Lindsay’s 1:1 is up first. they stroll through the local market, eat some bugs, check out the color chicks (literally) and make their way onto the beach. Overall, YAWN. Honestly.

And did anyone else have an hard time watching Lindsay try to say “I Love You”? I wanted to shoot myself. It took a Thai version of the “It’s a Small World” ride, 3.25 commercial breaks, Thai dancing, 30 minutes, and 553 awkward silences between Sean and Lindsay before she uttered it. Honey, next time take 3 shots of tequila and I guarantee you’ll be saying I Love You all over the place. (Oh, you guys don’t do that? …)

AshLee’s 1:1 starts off with an activity to make AshLee ‘lose control’ and trust Sean. Again. Zzz. Apparently the cave is supposed to symbolize the uncertainty of a relationship and the trust needed to make it work. yeah – i almost made myself vomit.

Catherine’s 1:1 was mostly of them making out. then making out in the water. then making out in the rain. hawt.

Catherine’s outfits: off shoulder dress (solid, similar, splurge). Was really not digging Catherine’s green/blue tie-dye dress, so we didn’t find a link for you – because you shouldn’t be wearing it. You’ll thank us later.

This brings us to the end. Man, i don’t know. it’s down to the final 3, but i’m not feeling any of these girls. where’s emily at? bring back emily!

After a heart to heart with chris harrison, sean reveals that he’s in love! it then becomes obvious that he’s sending AshLee home – but after he watches her cry her eyes out in her video message to him, maybe he’ll change his mind.

it was a good strategy, but he did what was expected and cut AshLee. Given her track record, you’d expect her to sob uncontrollably, but instead, she went with the death stare….and when i say death stare, i mean “i’m casting an evil spell on you and your first born.”

DAMN.

Overall for them being in exotic Thailand, their outfits were super boring and it was a lame-o episode. That really only means one thing: next time i need more wine. On the other hand, the boredom means more outfit searches:Rose Ceremony: Catherine’s (similar, similar, similar, similar), Ashlee’s (similar, similar), Lindsey’s (similar, in black)

NEXT WEEK: the women tell all (always a fan favorite)

IN TWO WEEKS: the 3 hour finale. 3 HOURS?! come on, ABC – some of us have real day jobs that we gotta rest up for. i have more important things to do! but fine – i’ll watch 😛

Her dad is a pastor, his dad is a reverend. That’s gotta be a match made in heaven right (hehe)?

Ashlee’s dad tells the story of his ‘first date’ aka adoption with Ashlee. This pretty made every woman (and their boyfriends forced to watch) in America cry.

Next we move to Seattle for catherine’s date. i mean…their chemistry (ugh i hate that word) is undeniable! I mean, how else would you be able to do insanely romantic things like putting pennies into a pig, catching slimy fish, hoky poky dancing, and graffitting the gum-wall with more gum, if not with lots of ‘chemistry’?

And how cute was Catherine’s grandma? She gon’ steal Sean! Watch out!

THEN he meets her sisters. DUN DUN DUUUNNNNNN. without catherine in the room, they called her messy, extremely mood , and fickle. they might as well have just straight up called her a dirty bi-polar cray at that point. thanks, sis. thanks alot. and then their date ends with a whimper.

Linday’s date: yawwwwnnnn. nothing else to report.

In fact, Lindsay’s date was so boring, I decided to research some outfits, since…we’re supposed to talk about fashion, or something. AshLee’s buffalo plaid shirt (similar). Catherine’s blue sweater (similar). Des’ olive shirt (with cutout). I don’t know what Lindsay was wearing on her date, since it was so boring. Des’ sequin dress (similar, similar and similar). Catherine’s plunge dress (similar). Lindsay’s sheer panel dress (similar and similar). I actually have no idea what AshLee was wearing either. Deal with it.

your turn, desiree – bring on the drama! her ex(?)boyfriend shows up and proclaims his love for her in front of sean. is this FORREEAALLZZ?! the answer to that is no. he got punk’d! payback’s a biotch.

Then, des’s brother joins the conversation and decides to royally screw everything up for her. he really has an affinity for the word ‘reciprocation’ and continues to call sean a ‘playboy’. awesome.

during the rose ceremony, sean dramatically struggles to send home either catherine or des. In fact, he stops the rose ceremony, leaves the 2 girls hanging, and goes to the back room to ponder for what feels like an eternity (but really is just conveniently long enough for a commercial break). The torture!! In the end, despite her last plea for love, Sean decides that des has gots to go. go team catherine!

Times Sean took off his shirt: 1. (I was afraid the whole episode was going to go by without a glimpse. It was short, but I’ll accept it, for now.)

number of times Sean takes off his shirt: 2 (but it was a good 35 minutes of shirtlessness, so all is forgiven)

before we get to the dates, let’s just thank ABC for sending them (finally) to a tropical island. Cue: full dates with shirtless sean (see below) and making out on the beach in the sunset (since these scenes so clearly mimic real life).

Now to Ashlee’s first one-on-one. let me just say…DAYYAMMMM GIRL! i wish i had your body – and at 32?! puts my 27 year old body to shame 😦 makes me regret eating cheez-its and samoas for dinner.

as prescribed, during their intimate dinner, she feels the urge to drop a bomb. no, not that kind, you sicko. turns out she got married at 17 and divorced at 18. still better than Kim K (if u ask me). don’t worry – the dinner date ends with her proclaiming her love for him. so all is good in paradise.

second one-on-one date goes to….drumroll please…Tierra the Terrible! (and she was not without plenty of complaining) ugh. they go exploring the town and she beams with excitement when he buys her jewelry from a vendor. don’t panic – it didn’t involve any diamonds. just a shell on a necklace string. let me repeat that. a shell on a string.

next up: group date around St. Croix full with treehouse. why Tarzan Sean no take his shirt off there? luckily he fulfills my wishes at beach #2 (whew!)

Catherine reveals another sad story, this time about her dad. Oh Catherine (sobs!)…so glad Sean recognizes the strength in her from that story. can we say #teamcatherine yet? (btw this clearly solidifies our 1% guess of being right that she is Asian!)

on to one-on-one with Lesley. was anyone as jealous as me about HOW BIG THE AVOCADOS WERE???? Damn. Photos are not to scale so objects may appear SMALLER than they really are.

oh, and the date? *crickets chirp* yeaaa that was nice too…whomp whomp…

And now to the Tierra show:

Ashlee and Tierra get into a cat fight and it ends with Tierra screaming ‘I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS’. that’s all you need to know.

Sean can’t handle the drama (and fake crying? i mean, come on!)…so he kicks Tierra out. can i get a woot woot!!! no more of this face:

Catherine gets the first one on one date…on a glacier. Which means Sean’s face = a hot red tomato HAHA! exhibit A:

Her date continues into an ICE CASTLE where she proceeds to tell a tragic story, as required per one-on-one date. Though admittedly, that was a pretty sad one (and traumatizing.. for her).

The group date challenge involves jumping into barely above freezing waters in your bikini. Would i do that for love? oh HEEELLLLZ no! i’m sitting in my heated room with a fuzzy robe on while i’m typing this.

Selma, sits out by explaining that this is not a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. very true, she could come back to jump into glacier waters any other time in her life, but doing so with a shirtless Sean? That was your one chance…

And was anyone really that surprised that Tierra was the one who ‘got hypothermia”?

Next Date: Banff Mountain Climbing (he’s really trying to make a burly woman out of Dez, no? Goats milking and Mountain climbing?)

Number of times Dez said “this is steep” while climbing down a mountain: 435.

Then they climb into a tent while Dez proceeds to bear her tragic story of growing up in a tent. Awkswards.

This week’s cut: Sarah (did any one else cry when she was cut?), Daniella (in her words ‘shocking’…really girl?), and Selma (after she broke her moral code and kissed Sean on national TV, oh the shame.).

Total number of times Sean took his shirt off: 1 (dismal for a 2-episode week)

Next week: St. Croix. And more of the Tierra Show…

On another note, gina’s sister is named as one of the Top 52 finalists
for this year’s MLB Fan Cave -and for those of you who (like me) think that MLB stands for ‘Must Love Bachelor,’ it’s a baseball term. The winner gets the dream job of watching baseball games, interviewing athletes and celebrities, and hosting concerts. If she wins, she promised to take us to a baseball game where we can eat hot dogs & nachos in heels!! so help us vote for her 🙂

ZERO TIMES? did we miss something?! especially considering he was about to go into a hot tub at one point?! disappointment.

Ashlee – you made Sean (and therefore us) cry last week. And this week, you gave Sarah a heart-to-heart pep talk. Am I starting to become TeamAshlee?

Tierra, oh you master deceiver. Your day will come, my dear. just you wait.

Sean took Leslie on a shopping date (HELLLLOOO – dream date!!) @ badgley mischka on rodeo drive. out of all the gorgeous dresses, she chose some questionable ones. if i were sean, the date would have ended right there. but then again, his outfit was a little strange too. what’s up with the bachelor guys & their vests:

Just take off the vest Sean. In fact, just take everything off.

Unfortunately for Leslie, there weren’t any sparks and gets sent home during the date. cue the shot of the rose dropping to the ground from the 2nd floor.

Robin’s ‘do you want chocolate’ kissing scheme was really weird…but she lives another week. This brings us to…

Next week: TWO episodes next week?!?! ooooh snapppp! It’ll give Sean 2 chances to step up his game with the dates. We’re on week 4, and he still wants to ‘see how people react’ to the dates? (e.g. Punk’d, Guinness World of Records, Joshua Tree, Derby?). Honestly, I’m over it. How else are we to convince men in our lives that the glamourous dates are how things are supposed to be done? More of the private jets & shopping sprees please.