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SONG: You Don’t Get Me High

(sung to the melody of Neil Diamond and Alan & Marilyn Bergman’s “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.” As with that song, the lyrics jockey between the man and woman singing)

W: You don’t get me high
M: You don’t get me stoned
We used to share a pipeful of our very own mixture from Taiwan

W: I remember when…
I met you in the hospital
You were going through withdrawals
I was stealing from the medical supplies

M: Then we fell in love and got wasted all the time
With Benny and Amy we shared our lives

W: But you don’t get me high anymore

W: You don’t bring me cocaine
M: You don’t bring me maryjane
W: The less we loved, the less we paid
M: The cheaper the shit, and the lower the grade

M: It’s all your fault, you stupid twat
My birthday gift had paraquat
I was wracked by convulsions and very nearly croaked.

W: You deserved it for bringing me garbage to smoke
M: So is this how we end up
W& M: Burned out and broke?

M: You don’t get me high anymore.

W: Well, I’ve called the cops on you,
And you’ll rot in jail for life

M: No more getting wasted
W: No more getting stoned
M & W: No more getting high anymore.

*

NOTES & BACKSTORY:Some juvenilia from my prolific song-parody period (my 27th composition, to be exact, penned Feb. 22, 1980). Drugs were still playing a big thematic part in music and comedy back then—as every Dr. Demento episode of the time proved—so I thought it’d be fun to chart a wrecked relationship based on drug addiction rather than the original tune’s tale of people growing apart. I still get a chuckle from the paraquat couplet—even if we’ve long forgotten the late 1970s stoner panic when the US government started spraying Mexican weed with the toxic stuff.