Ben Affleck really loves Jennifer Garner. Like, really loves her. They’ve been married since 2005 and unlike many Hollywood relationships, they’re not constantly in the press over cheating claims and have seemingly gotten over any issues privately and with grace. They have three adorable kids and basically just seem like a great couple, despite Garner’s tendencies to overshare about her husband’s super sperm and whatnot. Anyway, with all this love in the air, it’s only natural that Ben would gush about his wife at every available opportunity, most recently after his Directors Guild Award win on Saturday night for his latest project, Argo.

It was a celebratory evening for Affleck – and it was also date night with his doting wife, Jennifer Garner, by his side (and often with her hand on his back).

“I have to just thank my wife for being the best person in the world. I love you,” Affleck, 40, told the audience as he accepted the award for outstanding directorial achievement for Argo. “I don’t need to look at the teleprompter to know why I want to thank you. I want to thank you because I love you.”

Because really, if we’re comparing photo #1 to photo #2, there’s a big, big difference. Jennifer Garner‘s lips are generally full as it is, but in the top picture, they’re, like, ready to burst open. Kind of freaky, if you ask me.

No, but seriously: good for them, I suppose. I know I hate on Ben Affleck a lot, and that’s because he strikes me as a bargain basement discount power tool with an inflated me-complex, and I think Jennifer Garner‘s way too sweet and patient for him, but hey. It’s not my marriage, and it’s apparent that these two get along in some sort of way, because girlfriend just keeps popping out little girls and they ain’t divorced yet.

Either way, nothing can get me down today – I painted my living room a very zen green yesterday and Lowe’s is on its way today to install my new carpet, so I suppose I’m seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. Even if we did happen to find out that these guys were having a baby now because Jennifer Lopez is ten different kinds of single, I’m sure I’d find a way to put a positive spin on that, too.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, guys, and I hope this little darling is as sweet and adorable as your other two!

People have been saying for awhile that there’s a chance Ben and Blake got their swerve on while filming The Town, and now that those nudes are floating around everywhere and Blake’s totally sporting the same fake tatts in them that she did in the movie, it makes even more sense. Yeah, her rep claims the photos are fake, but a lot of reps are fake, too. If you asked me, I’d say those pictures are the real deal.

Here’s what I wanna know: Did Jennifer Garner lay that thing on him? Because if so, that is tight! I knew she used to do a lot of her own stunts back in her Alias days, but punching her man in the eye for boning the town floozy while he was on location? That’s gangster.

So I’m pretty obsessed with these photos of Violet Affleck leaving the Santa Monica library with her famous mom yesterday because this little gremlin reminds me of someone very special: Me.

The glasses, the whole “sticking library books in her mouth” thing, the spastic arm and leg movements mid-walk. Yeah, all of that looks very familiar to this lady over here and honestly, God bless her. She’s probably going to grow up to be a wonderful woman.

But all of that self-centered shit aside, doesn’t she remind you of one of Amy Poehler’s best SNL characters ever? Jennifer Garner is totally the best mom in the world.

“There’s a brand of red-velvet cake; her mouth is made of that. She smashes you in the mouth [in] those kissing scenes. If I was Ben Affleck, man, I’d be pissed off. … I was in bed with her and she was reading me one of those bedtime stories. And she did a dirty version of it. She was like, ‘Toad took Frog and mounted him from behind and amounted him smoothly with a rhythmic pace’.”

Russell Brand, of all people, dishing on what it was like to make out and share a bed with Arthur co-star, Jennifer Garner. Now I don’t know much about kissing ladies, but if someone compared my mouth to red velvet cake, I’d probably consider that a HUGE compliment. Except, you know, if it were Russell Brand. Because reformed sex-addict, Brand, probably compares the hose opening of an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner to red velvet cake – and I heard he and it were intimate friends for a long, long time.

And use small words, because after seeing this photo of Ben – acting like this on an ice cream outing with his family – I’m kind of fried out on being all intellectual and analytical this morning. The only things cycling in my brain right now are nappy beards, little penises, and Boston accents.