Hey kiddies. What did you do last night? Lemme guess" you got drunk, right? Ha ha" I knew it. Guess what" I got drunk last night too. But I also made a million dollars.

I'm Frank Thompson, the Crazy Cash guy. I'm Frank Thompson, the Crazy Cash guy. Yes, that sentence is repeated twice in a row but no, it's not a misprint. I've set it up so every time I say my own name and the phrase "Crazy Cash," I make three thousand dollars. So I did it twice in row just there. I'm Frank Thompson, the Crazy Cash guy. Bam! Another three grand" looks like I'll be filling up my pool with Jell-O tomorrow!

I know what you're thinking" "Damn, how can I make money like Frank Thompson, the Crazy Cash guy?" (I believe I'm up to TWELVEGRAND so far.) Well, the answer to that question is a lot easier than you would think""constantly make investments.

Let me explain. Say you're walking down the street and you get thirsty. What would you do? I asked three hundred college students that question. Number one response? "Buy something to drink." WRONG!!! No. There goes 3 dollars down the drain, BAM. No, what I would do is invest in a beverage company. Coca Cola is a classic workhorse, and I'm liking Starbucks this quarter, thanks to their bourgeoning sandwich business. "But Frank, I'm still thirsty!" you say. Well, fine" go drink some water out of the gutter then. It's free" you future millionaire.

Let's say you're starting your first day of college and you get a list of books you need to buy in the mail. What are you gonna do? I mean, buy books, right? I mean, that's pretty much standard, that's what needs to happen, because" WRONG!!!!! Analyze the situation""what's going in the market? You just received a piece of mail about how you need to buy some books. Looks like a trend""people are sending mail and buying books. Take that "book money" your parents gave you and invest in UPS and Barnes And Noble. And when you need some books for your class, steal them from the kid who sits next to you when he gets up to go pee. He won't need books where he's going""to the POORHOUSE!!! Why's he going to the poor house? Because he doesn't invest his money.

Your boyfriend cheated on you. I know what you're thinking""I'm going to dump him. That'd be a mistake""your combined monetary trust is worth four times your separate holdings. What you SHOULD do is invest! He used an extra condom or two""looks like your broker will be giving Trojan a call! He also opened a second email account to hide his tryst from you. Looks like email access is up 100 percent! Better drop down for some shares of Google, yahoo and AOL. And uh oh""apparently one of your BF's condoms broke and he had to pay for an abortion. First, put half your money into a privatized Family Planning organization. Then, put the rest into whatever publicly owned Born Again church sponsors the picketing at your local abortion clinic. Now you're rolling in Crazzzzy Cash!!

Here's a hard one. Your father calls up. He says your mother's developed a rare skin disease and he'd like to get your permission to cash out a family bond in your name to pay for her medical expenses. Toughie, right? You know what I say? Cash that bond. Be an adult.

And then invest, INVEST, INVEST!!!! Looks like people are getting skin diseases, so invest in medical companies that fix those types of ailments. I've got my eye on HydroSilt. People are also cashing their bonds prematurely. Looks like the bank is making out""time to invest in CitiCorp!! Oh, and, don't worry, your mom will be fine" probably. Hey, you told her to wear sun screen, so too bad. And besides, if she had invested her money, she'd be able to afford insurance. Dumb ass.

Here's another classic scenario. You're crossing a busy street in your neighborhood and a mentally challenged man in a wheel chair is about ten feet behind you, also crossing the street. Suddenly, you hear a fire truck's siren""looks like it's headed straight down the street, threatening to pummel the mentally challenged man. What do you do?

That's a trick question. If you had been investing, you wouldn't even be walking. You'd be able to see the fire truck hit the retard from behind your Mazeratti's tinted windows. Watching someone die from inside a luxury car is something truly" poetic.

I don't see the world as a place where peoples of various cultures and races live, breathe and interact. I see the world as a series of possible investments that interact with each other, making new investment possibilities. Look at that baby""hm, better invest in baby clothes, baby health products and possibly" baby wigs? Look at that woman selling flowers on the street corner""looks like it's time to take money out of privatized immigration companies! The Mexicans are here to stay" I watch the news at night""there's a story about an old woman who was mugged by two black males""looks like I should invest in jeans and high top sneakers QUICK!!

I'm writing this for two reasons""first off, because one of my great joys in life is teaching other people how to be rich, though not quite as rich as I am.

And secondly, it fulfills some of my court-appointed community service that I was slapped with after I was found guilty of gross negligence of my two adopted Vietnamese children. Let me tell you""that's one tax write off that was NOT worth the hassle!