Now You Can Literally Get Fucked by the Price of Bitcoin

A connected sex toy syncs with every ebb and flow of the cryptocurrency market.

If I was heavily invested in cryptocurrency, I'd probably be obsessed with checking a site like Coinbase, which tracks the value of Bitcoin, Ethereum, and other coins. I don't know if I'd want my butt to vibrate every time the value of Litecoin went up by a penny, but I suppose that it is arguably useful, and something that now exists thanks to the porn company CamSoda.

Bitcast is a service that tracks the real-time value of Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Litecoin in US dollars, on a chart that syncs with a line of internet-connected Lovense sex toys. When the value goes up, the vibrations intensify. When it goes down, the vibes back off. When the cryptocurrency bubble inevitably bursts, the toy overheats and blows your dick off. Okay, not really, but weird shit does happen with internet connected toys.

The Lovense connected sex toy line offers standard Fleshlights and dildos, but also more discrete buttplugs, prostate massagers and vibrators, meaning you could feasibly wear a connected toy while you go about your day, sensing every change in Bitcoin price like a horny sixth sense. I mean, please don’t do this, but you could.

Image: CamSoda

"The excitement surrounding cryptocurrency could only be hotter if it brought investors to climax!” Daryn Parker, vice president of CamSoda, told me in an email. “Now, in addition to the euphoria investors receive from their investment starting to take off, they’ll be able to simultaneously get off. Tracking your investment has never been more fun. It's the ultimate high, the ultimate experience and it’s what we’re all about here at CamSoda."

A CamSoda spokesperson told me that Bitcast pulls its numbers from the cryptocurrency exchange Bitstamp, where people buy and sell digital coins. The price that Bitcast shows reflects the most recent price that your cryptocurrency of choice was sold for on Bitstamp, so it might differ slightly from the price on Coinbase or other exchanges.

I contacted Bitstamp for comment on this use of its market values, and will update if I hear back.

You might remember CamSoda from previous sex tech stunts. There was Ocast, which had me lick my disgusting phone screen to remotely control a sex toy, and OhRama, which allowed me to smell sweaty balls in virtual reality. Aside from being ridiculous, what all of CamSoda's stunts have in common is that they actually work, as far as we've been able to test them. It's not that hard to imagine someone being into them.