Despite being married for several years and producing two offspring, Frank has yet to see Sarah K. naked.

Many years ago, and to his great shame, he interned for Glenn Reynolds… as his personal Cuisinart operator!!!

His obsession with nuking the moon began the day he was inadvertently cut-off on the freeway by Buzz Aldrin.

He once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

After years of extensive psychiatric treatment, he no longer believes himself to be the reincarnation of blood-thirsty Chinese Communist dictator Mao Tse Tung… but his alternate personalities, Basil, Harvey, and seanmahair, have yet to be purged of this same belief.

His fear of monkeys dates back to recurring childhood nightmares of Curious George mistaking his nose for a banana.

Only it wasn’t his nose!!!

His quest to breed dinosaurs with rocket launchers has reached a crucial stage in which he has successfully mated a salamander with a squirt gun.

He didn’t necessarily say these out loud, but since most people are convinced I’m just a crazy voice in Frank’s head (I blame Jimmy Stewart for this), you shouldn’t be surprised if I just read his thoughts:
______________

“Say, that lolfrank! post was hilarious. You’re a funny guy, Harvey. I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”

1) “It’s ‘Game of Thrones,’ not ‘Game of Throne.’ Where are the rest of my thrones? You give more thrones now!”

2) “Can you believe ‘it’s my birthday’ isn’t considered a valid excuse to get out of jury duty? It’s like living in North Korea!”

6) “Dear Mr. Barrett – although I appreciate your gift of a video of a liberal getting slapped, this is NOT an acceptable substitute for a video of a hippy getting punched. Please rile up your base more next time.”

7) “The party went pretty well, except that all night long I kept accidentally calling the birthday clown ‘Mr. Biden’.”

6) An “Engineers know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force” t-shirt.

7) A left-handed monkey-wrench (for beating up left-handed monkeys).

8) Have Adam and Jamie test the “Mexi-Cannon” (they’ve only tested the Mexi-Pult), so that when it fails, they’ll keep building larger and larger versions until they finally get it to work.

9) Is there an app to make Siri say “Klaatu barada nikto”? Because I don’t think Frank’s going to able to get the Necronomicon without a little help.

10) A shrubbery. Yes, I know he already has a shrubbery, but he wants to be able to put another one next to is, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle.
______________

I remember in my second grade class learning about dinosaurs in science class. “Dinosaurs were giant lizards who ruled the earth,” the science teacher said. “But they are all dead now — killed by a comet or some other science thing.”

I looked at the picture of a T-Rex in my science text book (people used physical books back then). It has fearsome teeth and looked quite formidable. It’s back was smooth, though, and it seemed like that could be more intimidating by having spikes on it. Or perhaps some weaponry, I thought. “Maybe in the future,” I told my science teacher, “we could put weaponry on dinosaurs and use them in the military.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” the science teacher yelled. “Dinosaurs are all dead, and nothing is bringing them back! Plus, science has already determined what the future of warfare will look like. It will involve tiny robots that climb in people’s noses, go into their brains, and then blow up.”

“Won’t people just wear nose plugs to defeat that?” I asked.

“Fool! Eventually the enemy will have to smell something and then they will be vulnerable.”

“But…”

“Quiet! I am a science teacher — the mightiest of teachers — and I shall not be questioned! I am subtracting you a letter grade for DEFIANCE OF SCIENCE!”

But my science teacher was wrong, and the nose crawling, brain exploding robot program stalled because of advances in nose plugs that allow people to both smell things and block out tiny robots. But my idea of putting weaponry on dinosaurs is still alive and well. In fact, I think I’ll make a Kickstarter project for it soon.

I remember as a child my dad taking me out to the barn where he set up a scarecrow, but it had a weird colorful shirts and long hair. “I’m going to teach you how to punch hippies, son,” my father told me. “When they talk, you punch them really, really hard in the face — really put your body into it.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

My father slapped me. “That was a stupid question. So what did you just learn?”

I rubbed my sore cheek. “Not to ask it again.”

“Exactly. Hippies say stupid things, but if someone doesn’t punch them in the face after they say it, they might get the idea it isn’t stupid. And then hippie idiocy could spread. That’s why we all have to be diligent and punch every hippie we see. To keep that from spreading.”

“Okay! That sounds like fun!”

My father slapped me again.

“What was that for?” I asked, rubbing my cheek again.

“There’s just something about you I don’t like. But anyway, let’s get to practicing.” He put a tape recorder behind the scarecrow and turned it on. The tape recorded said, “We can’t hug our children with nuclear arms!” and then in response I punched the hippie scarecrow as hard as I could, knocking some of the straw loose. It felt good, and I knew I was learning a valuable skill.

Back in the day, we were all diligent about punching hippies. But at some point — I assume some time after Reagan left office — people got lazy. And then one day somewhere in our country, a hippie said something stupid and wasn’t punched in his face. And then he kept saying and others did too and now you can see where the country is. I will have to train Buttercup from an even earlier age to recognize and punch hippies, for she has much punching ahead of her if one is ever to turn this country around.

Once again, the uncaptioned lolterizt! picture for you to play with for next week:

And an uncaptioned lolbama for 2 weeks hence [High Praise! to silaS marreD]:

Toss-up between Arik for knowing way too many Weird Al songs, and Mxymaster for watching too much Saturday morning TV in the 70’s.

What say you?

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

I remember as a child looking up at the night sky with my father beside me. I pointed up at the moon and said, “Look at that? Why does it mock us so?”

“No one knows,” my father answered, “We planted a flag upon it, but it still shows no obedience.”

I looked up at the terrible glowing rock. “I think it’s threatening us.”

“Perhaps so.”

“Then why don’t we do anything about it?”

My father thought a moment. “Because of the Democrats. They want us to appease the moon. And appease the Soviets. And they will use that weakness against us. Perhaps the moon and the Soviets might team up and attack us together. I don’t know if we’re prepared for lunar Commies.”

“Well, I won’t appease them or the moon.” I glared up at our natural satellite. “One day I will do something to the moon to show that we dominate it and that we fear nothing!”

My father patted me on the head. “Ha. You are stupid and a child. Now let us do our nightly preparation for a Commie invasion and then watch Family Ties.”

Today, the moon still mocks us. Every night, Buttercup points up at the sky and says, “Moon!”

And I say to her, “Yes, I know. It frightens me too. But one day… one day we will show it.” No matter how dark things get in our nation’s problems, we must never forget the threat of the moon. And one day still we will do something about it.

Although technically I guess this is a “near miss”, since the passenger’s wearing a helmet. Although bonus points for the tree-shaped air-freshener on the rear view. Wonder if that’s a “Repo Man” reference?

So, today is my 33rd birthday. Wow, thirty-three years is kind of a long time. Back when I was born, Carter was president and people thought it was the worst time ever because no one had heard of Obama yet. But by the time I was old enough to know what a president was, Ronald Reagan was in charge. I even remember seeing him on the TV, warning us all that the Commies were trying to parachute troops into the Midwest so keep watching the skies. He’d end every speech with, “Remember: If you see a Commie, kill a Commie.” Everyday we’d turn on the TV to see the news (people watched news on the TV back then), and along with the weather forecast we’d get chance of there being an invasion (“40% chance of Commies today, so be on the alert.”). And if we saw anything up in the sky, we’d run out and start shooting at it; the last thing you’d ever want was Commies to successfully touch ground in the Midwest because it’s a big place and it would take forever to find them. I think a few of them that did make are still there, probably as college professors.

It sucks to think that Buttercup’s first memories of a president will be of either Obama or Romney. It will be up to me to warn her to shoot at things in the sky that might be Commies. And I will tell her of great fearsome things of the past that are now long gone, like the Tyrannosaurus rex and Ronald Reagan.

It’s Frank J.’s birthday today, and we here at IMAO will be holding a week-long celebration of his uterine expulsion anniversary.

Why a week?

Because we’re still awaiting Congressional approval to name June “National Frank J. Month”.

I blame those confounded obstructionist Republicans for keeping it bottled up in committee.

Anyway, to kick things off, here are some fun facts about the birthday boy.
______________

Frank demonstrates the proper technique for going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

1) Although not 1/32 Cherokee, Frank IS proud to be 33/32 improper fraction.

2) A former resident of Florida, Frank once successfully divided by zero. On November 7th, 2000. You may be familiar with the aftermath.

3) Frank once peed on a cat’s head. Never made a helicopter out of one, though.

4) As an unknown blogger, Frank accused Glenn Reynolds of blending puppies. Now he’s a marginally important author. Ya gotta wonder what filthy lie Stephenie Meyer told to get where she is today. The current scientific consensus is “sparkly vampires are interesting.”

5) As a young patent clerk, Frank developed the Theory of Relativity. He gets no credit for it, since on the one day he forgot to bring his lunch money, he was forced to give the theory away to avoid a beating at the hands of that bully Einstein.

6) Frank also invented the internet. Same story, different bully.

7) Frank owns a machine that allows him to travel to a parallel universe. Most of his “In My World” stories are plagiarized from the New York Times there, where most people know him as “Jayson B.”

8) Frank is an expert marksman, hitting his target a staggering 99.997% of the time he aims to misbehave.

9) According to WhatFrankEats.com, Frank subsists primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots. But in a pinch, he’s been known to eat woodpeckers.

10) Frank once punched a hippie in Reno, just to watch him cry.

11) If Frank bites you, you become Aquaman.

12) While Frank was sequencing dinosaur DNA to make it rocket-launcher compatible, a simple typo resulted in the creation of the Occupy Wall Street movement. Remember, spellcheck is your friend.

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

"A blogger with a sense of humor."
-Some Woman on MSNBC

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