Everything you need to know about running and life and any other random crap I find bouncing through my mind like a ping pong ball. And always be sure your shoes are happy.

Archive for the tag “are you kidding me?”

I often see FB posts revealing someone’s Person Type, their Inner Spirit; shining examples of Hope, Love, or Eternal Peace Hippie Girl. I am not necessarily against that, as it was once revealed that I am a rainbow farting unicorn. Other than that one time, though – and this is just my personal opinion, even though I do the little tests – I think these links results are sh*t.

These links are sh*t because they don’t offer the options real people would actually choose if they could.

So I’m going to make a test for you that will actually work. This test will reveal your true self, your true inner spirit, and the real reason you live and breathe, however well or poorly, on this earth.

Get a paper and pencil because I am not going to have a little button at the end of each question which will tally and do a reveal at the bottom of this post. That sh*t costs money and I just bought groceries for dinner, so that’s not in the budget. If you are unable to find a working pencil, a scrap of paper, cannot write the letters A, B, C, D or E, or cannot add, and/or any combination of these, your personal revelation is immediate: You Rock. You have a life and are too busy to screw with having usable writing utensils and stupid pads of paper, you have a phone to do all of that. When the end of society as we know it comes, and we know it will, probably sooner than later – the Demicans and Republicrats tell us so every night on CNBC/FOX/FML – your life will then suck because your phone will be useless. Meanwhile, since I do have paper and a pencil nub, I can write notes on scraps of paper begging for rescue and throw them in rivers in all the pop bottles I keep meaning to recycle, but forget. This will as useless as your phone but slightly more fun.

Today we will determine what type of personality you have. The options will be Zen, OK Most of the Time, What’s It Matter It Will Never Work Anyway, Don’t Push My Buttons, and DANGER, Will Robinson.

1. You arrive at work on Monday morning. There is no coffee in the building.
a. I’d probably spill it, anyway.
b. ooooooooooooohhhhhmmmmm
c. I should be … WTF?? Someone moved my monitor a 1/4 inch, stupid son of a …
d. OK. OK then, hey, it could be worse, right?
e. Seriously? This is the best question you could come up with?

2. Your ideal weekend would include:
a. My local ashram, a church picnic, time petting fluffy bunnies, holding small babies smelling of powder
b. Coffee first. Then, I dunno. More coffee.
c. I’m going to start edging my yard at 4am Saturday since that a$$ next door was blowing leaves at sunrise on Memorial Day.
d. I have plans but I bet it’s gonna rain.
e. Invisibility.

3. If you could choose to be any fantasy animal, you’d be:
a. Godzilla, only I’d be flying one of those human f*cker’s planes. BWAAA HAHAHAHAHA take that you little minions!
b. A fluffy bunny in a sunny field full of pretty flowers
c. I went as Winnie the Pooh on Halloween once, but it rained.
d. Oh, you know, whatever no one else wants to be. It’ll be fine.
e. The one that just got turned into a zombie and is chasing whoever wrote this idiot test.

4. Your Gramma, the Pope, a kitten, and, um, Hitler are in a boat. Who said what:
a. “No, not Hitler, that’s so over done and, really, stereotyping. Must you have a bad guy?”
b. “Oh, yeah?? Who thinks it’s overdone? I can use Hitler if I want, dammit.”
c. “Now, everyone, let’s be nice and cooperate.”
d. “OH! I know! I know! The boat sinks!”
e. “Look, I’m not putting up with this sh*t and this test is stupid.”

5. You decide you need to start meditating. You’ll be a better person for it, don’t you think? Your meditation word is:
a. I think it’s “maybe”
b. I’ve been meditating for at least a minute and this is bull*&^!
c. My spirit word is never to be revealed.
d. I think I have one, it’s around here somewhere, hold tight.
e. My word is STOOPID. Why am I still taking this STUPID test??

7. You’ve been thinking some type of regular exercise would be a good thing. What do you decide to do?
a. I have a personal yogini already
b. Jogging sounds nice, that could work
c. Shooting range
d. I’ll probably get injured, maybe I’ll just stay home.
e. Bludgeoning bloggers.

8. You are lost, alone on a small island in the middle of the sea. What book do you wish you had to read?
a. First Aid
b. The Bible
c. How to build a boat
d. How to swim
e. How to grow coffee and machetes

10. You will recommend this extremely accurate and helpful test to how many of your friends?
a. Are you sh*tting me?
b. I’m not sure. I like my friends.
c. All of them! We’ll all take it TOGETHER! It will be so nice! We’ll Bond in Harmony and Joy!
d. I think I’ll wait and see how I do, first.
e. Are you f*$%’ing sh*tting me?

RESULTS. Give yourself the allotted points for each answer:

Question 1:
a = 3
b = 1
c = 4
d = 2
e = 5

Question 2:
a = 1
b = 2
c = 4
d = 3
e = 10

Question 3:
a = 4
b = 1
c = 3
d = 2
e = 15

Question 4:
a = 1
b = 4
c = 3
d = 2
e = 20

Question 5:
a = 3
b = 4
c = 1
d = 2
e = 25

Question 6:
a = 2
b = 1
c = 4
d = 3
e = 30

Question 7:
a = 1
b = 2
c = 4
d = 3
e = 35

Question 8:
a = 3
b = 1
c = 4
d = 2
e = 40

Question 9:
a = 4
b = 2
c = 3
d = 1
e = 45

Question 10:
a = 4
b = 2
c = 1
d = 3
e = 100

If you scored:
1-10 Points: It doesn’t matter because you’re up in the clouds meditating. This test and all it represents is a false reality. You are: ZEN
11-20 Points: Ah, it’s fine. Whatever, things usually work out, I’m fine with that. You are: OK Most of the Time.
21-30 Points: Seriously, you knew this wasn’t going to work, didn’t you? You almost quit halfway through. You are: What’s it Matter? It Will Never Work Anyway
31-40 Points: You have a lot of buttons. Do you know that? You do. And people push them. All the Damn Time. You are: Don’t Push My Buttons!!!
41-1,000 Points: YOU WIN! YOU WIN! YOU ARE AWESOME!! You see through the falsities of humanity, the treacle, the drudgery, the aimless wandering of the soul.YOU ARE DANGER WILL ROBINSON

Here’s your prize, which you can obtain at this link for $3.73 plus S&H. Buy yourself a coffee cup too, I don’t care. I don’t give a SH*T because I don’t like your attitude.