Sunday, August 5, 2007

Lesser known ‘walks in to a bar’ jokes

[Jokes have been sorted into categories to aid enjoyment. Punch-lines have been italicized to aid the obtuse]

Animal misogyny humourA man walks into a bar with a Shetland pony and orders a beer. The barman says: ‘we don’t serve ponies in here.’

The man says: ‘That’s no pony. That’s my wife.’ The pony whinnies and then the man says: ‘Shut up bitch, I’ll get you a fucking bloody mary when I’ve finished my beer.’

Department of Finance humourA Treasury official walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for his friends.

Professional regulation humourThree brain surgeons walk into a bar and one of them orders drinks saying:‘Three beers, my good man, and make it snappy – my colleagues and I are operating in twenty minutes.’

And the bar man replies: ‘Being a barman is only a part-time job. My full-time job is as chair of the Medical Professional Standards Review Board. And I’ll being bringing you up on charges of Consumption of Alcohol while on Duty. I must also say that your rude and demeaning attitude to perceived inferiors will not help you as you defend your case before a sitting of the full review board in August.’

Inappropriate disability humourA blindman walks into a bar and orders a beer. He says to the barman: ‘lot of weather we’ve been having.’

And the barman replies: ‘That’s not weather. The other patrons are pouring their drinks on you as well as spitting and urinating on you.’

European Union humourAn Englishman, Irishman and a Frenchman walk into a bar and order three beers.

The barman says: ‘well, it’s just gone closing time but I suppose there’s no harm in getting your drinks.'

And the barman replies: ‘Actually your ad hoc judgment in this affair seems clearly inconsistent with clause 17 of European Directive 31 of 2005 (‘Transitional Arrangements for Certain Types of Business Establishments’). Also, this is Latvia and you have no jurisdiction here until 2009.’

And the Bolshevik replies: ‘Oh but shortly you will. At the recent Party Conference, our faction seized control of the Politburo. All of Russia now belongs to us. The other Republics will follow swiftly. Also, your wife and children and currently being transported to a re-education camp in Novosibirsk.’

Sexual non-sequitur humourA man walks into a lesbian bar, stands next to two lesbians kissing passionately and orders a drink: ‘I’ll have what she’s having and also two small bowls of pork scratchings.’

Professional non-sequitur meta-humourThree agronomists walk into a bar and order a beer. The first agronomist places a large mound of cow manure on the bar. The second puts a large pile of sheep manure next to it. The third follows this up with what appears to be human faeces but is actually artfully sculpted alpaca manure.

The barman stares at the three agronomists silently for 30 seconds before he says: ‘there had better be an unholy punchline to this joke to justify putting all this shit on my bar.’

The first agronomist says: ‘punchline?’The second agronomist says: ‘joke?’The third agronomist says: ‘bar?’

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