The Most Ridiculous of Oprah’s Favorite Things

Before the tearful final episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show in 2011, the nation watched as Oprah blurred the line between hard-hitting journalism and pure entertainment. She interviewed all kinds of people from a housewife turned murderer to the music legend and fan of children himself, Michael Jackson. Her show touched on pressing societal issues such as child-abandonment, sex, divorce, and obesity with the hope to bring a common understanding and enlightenment to society.

But perhaps Oprah’s greatest societal accomplishment started in 1997, when she began to curate her lists of favorite things, selflessly called Oprah’s Favorite Things. When the speculative dot-com bubble of ‘97 began to surface, Oprah knew it was her time to drive American consumerism, ensuring future economic prosperity for generations to come.

The audience reactions below speak as to how much Oprah’s countrymen appreciate her sacrifices and commitment bringing annually curated lists of products that the average American cannot even hope to afford:

The end of her show did not stop Mother Oprah from spreading the good word—the word of Beats by Dre (see below) and other products that she definitely uses in everyday life and does not receive an affiliate kickback for whenever you use the discount code “OPRAH.”

You can check out the 2014 List of Oprah’s Favorite Thingshere or you can see the highlights below. It was hard to choose, but we picked our 5 favorites from Oprah’s list based on practicality and usefulness for the everyday person (ahem).

1. Cardboard Printed with Platitudes

Do you get bored waiting for The Voice to come on or for him to finish? Oprah has the solution. For only $85 (20% off with coupon code OPRAH), you can get on the wait list for 365 pieces of paper with thoughtfully chosen quotes in a wooden box that you definitely can’t find at any shabby-chic boutique. BrainyQuote.com is free and kills less trees, but then you won’t have a wonderful statement piece to discuss with Sara and the girls during your weekly Cobb salad luncheon at the country club.

2. Hardened Seabiscuit

Are you in need of another store-bought appetizer to pretend you baked? Oprah’s got you. This 15-pound hunk of sourdough will taste great after it’s been manhandled by U.S. Postal Service employees in several cities. If you’re lucky, it might even maintain its intended shape. Get it here for only $150 (sadly, there’s no Oprah discount code). Happy challah-days!

3. Vague, Overpriced Candles

With descriptive scents like “berry” and “tree,” who wouldn’t want to spend $60 per candle or $240 for the set of four (only $192 after discount code “Oprah”)? You could save $40 by purchasing a similar 16-ounce soy tree-scented candle from Amazon for $19.99 (but where’s the fun in that?). Or you can hit up a sale at Bath & Body Works to buy a Winter Candy Apple candle for a mere 11 bucks. Just pray that you don’t run into our friend Jen or you might be stuck with Peach Bellinis.

4. A Bed for Narcissistic Dogs

If your dog is as high-maintenance as Oprah’s friend Mariah Carey, you can order a custom dog bed with your canine’s face printed on the bed. Like the Greek myth of Zoolander staring into a puddle asking, “Who am I?” so too can Bark Ruffalo stare into his bed and question his existence. These are very economical, as prices range from $445 to $710 depending on the size of bed your pooch needs. But don’t fret, save 20% on your order with code “Oprah.”

5. Maybe the Worst Tablet Ever

Tablets have been one of the hottest gifts since the release of the iPad, so naturally Oprah included one. The only problem with the Yoga Tablet 2 Pro is that Lenovo named Ashton Kutcher a Product Engineer for this tablet. Based on his previous tech commercials, it’s clear why Mr. Kutcher would include a projector that should be stationary on a handheld device. Disregard simple user experience best practices—tall, dark, and handsomely stupid endorses it.

What do you think of the 2014 Oprah’s Favorite Things list? Are there any other absurd items we missed? Let us know in the comments below.