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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

Cake #2: The flowers over the eyes imply the poor bear/penguin/Pooh is deceased. Is it because someone removed his lower right quadrant? Was it appendicitis gone very, very wrong? (A-Pooh-dicitis?)Cake #4: Just for me? No, really. You shouldn't have.Cake #6: Poor Vanessa will never forget the Red Birthday.

The last one is horrible but somehow I must be getting used to those baby shower cakes. It is the giraffe that truly scares me. Somehow something that should be rather innocuous has been made terrifying with blank white eyes and an unfortunate use of red icing. All I see is splattered and clotted blood.

Why is there an empty space on the right side of the second cake? Did the wreckerator feel a need to sample before decorating?

On the other hand, it's good that Vanessa got this wreck for her first birthday and probably won't remember it. Otherwise, the African section of the zoo will be off limits for the rest of her life, or at least until she completes extensive therapy.

Picture on the last cake...Dear God, what is that thing?!!!!!! *Shrieks in horror and runs away* Seriously, there is a reason the womb doesn't have a window. Who needs to see that, let alone...gulp...eat it?

@ Sharyn...I totally heard that song in a creepy little girl voice with a slightly off key music box playing in the background. *shivers*

Silently crying and rocking back and forth. I would say I was curled up in a fetal position but the word fetal is freaking me out right now.

Today’s post features cakes associated with less-known horror films. Low budget marvels of the cinema macabre, these films, unfortunately failed to make an impression when screened at the Festival de Cannes, and, sadly, ended up in Le Cans de Garbage…..

Cake One: “Whoooo’se There?” In this homage to the horror films of the ‘50’s, leaking atomic radiation turned an owl orange and disfigured him, causing the poor bird to wear a mask and hide in the shrubbery. He falls in love with a lady owl who is an opera singer, but cannot face her because of his looks. He kidnaps her and serenades her with his organ. While he is playing, she rips off his mask, exposing his hideousness. Then she runs away to marry someone else. Enraged, the orange owl, known only as Erik, threatens to kill her intended unless she marries him. She says OK, but Erik says, “This was just a test. Go marry the other guy.” She says thanks, and OK, and promises to come back and bury him when he dies. But she will keep his organ as a memento.

Cake Two: “Sprinkles, the Brown Bear from Hell”…. This low, low budget film tells the story of a seemingly sweet, innocent bear cake who, once purchased, came alive at night and smothered people with his sprinkles as they sleep and then mysteriously returns to the bakery. Previews show smiling children pointing to the cake on the counter and saying, “I want Sprinkles,” a blatant rip-off from Cake Wrecks.

Cake Three: “The Wrath of Grapes”…. Senior citizens living in Sunnyville were happy when a new grocery store opened next to their gated community, but the sun quickly set on that feeling when the residents mysteriously began to die…found dead amid their sacks of groceries. A review of the store’s surveillance cameras revealed that the victims had been “sampling” grapes while they shopped. Their deaths – coincidence? Or, The Wrath of Grapes? From the reviews: “A foot-stomping good time, with no whining….”

Cake Four: “The Abominable Snow-cone Man”…. An expedition in the Himalayan region of Tibet turns deadly when the mountain climbers disturb the Abominable Snow-cone Man. He captures the men and forces them to eat ice-cream until they die of brain freeze. (I understand a sequel is yeti to come….)

Cake Five: There’s no horsing around in this film as people pony up to accept an offer they can’t refuse in “Heads, You Lose.” Based on a scene in a famous “family” movie, this short rip-off (the director called it “derivative”) incoherently tells a story so incomprehensible and meaningless that people think it is a foreign art film. The pacing is off, yet they trot this out every year or so. Its track record is poor, and it has yet to be a winner in any place it has been shown. Distributed by NoTrifecta Films.

Cake Six: “Bonne Fete – Killer Giraffe”…. This gross and disgusting movie, clearly NSFA (not suitable for anyone) tells the story of Bonne Fete, a mutant giraffe with a python neck. When people at the petting zoo offer little cones of food to Bonne Fete, she lowers her head and quicker than the eye can see she coils her neck around the victim, smothering him, and then swallows him whole. Because this happens so fast, the crowd only notices someone is missing…and what looks like a vaguely human shape twisting and slowly moving down Bonne Fete’s long neck. And, of course…the blood….

Cake Seven: “Mickey Latex - A Mouse of a Man Turned Monster”…. This is a horror-comedy about a mild manner man by day who, at night, dons a latex costume resembling a familiar mouse and becomes a crime fighting superhero. His hilarious hijinks are offset by his distasteful method of disposing of the crooks he catches. I don’t want to spoil the fun, but the pendant he wears (enclosed in a plastic bag for what will become an obvious reason) is based upon the famous painting by Francisco Goya – “Saturn Devouring His Son.” You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you won’t eat for a week! Mickey Latex -- oh, you dirty rat!

WRONG! Your cakes you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child upon seeing your cakes' hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe who weeps at your cakes' approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means; it means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. But you started it, making cakes like those.

Ok, everybody settle down, the mystery has been solved. The last cake was meant for Smeagal from the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. Gollum, Gollum~ It really wasn't that hard to figure out...What? What's that you say? It was for a HUMAN celebration? For a BABY SHOWER? ooooooooh, somebody's got a problem, a BIG problem come birthing day!

Maybe I'm remembering the past better than it actually was but I don't remember Cookie Puss looking quite so, well, demented when I was a child. That scares the bejezus out of me now; I'd hate to see what it does to a 6 year old.

Mel - I lost it at "serenades her with his organ". Like Sharyn said, that was sublime.

I get that it's an ultrasound picture but that is seriously the creepiest one of those I have seen in my whole life. If I had been handed a picture like that for one of my ultrasounds, I would have screamed.

Everyone has clearly been so freaked by the ultrasound picture in the last cake that they have failed to notice how the mother is dressed. This has to be Morticia's baby shower cake - which explains everything.

I don't often comment, but today's cakes and comments are delightful - well, today's comments are delightful...the cakes are most definitely not full of delight ;)

@ Mel: Thank you for your movie reviews. They are fantastic :) I, too, agree that "he serenaded her with his organ" is sublime; and I was tickled to know that the sequel to "The Abominable Snow-cone Man" is "yeti to come"'

@Sharyn: thank you, and well played, well played!@lisadh: Oh, dear, I hope not nightmares…. (But thank you for the compliment.) Actually, this synopsis is based on a true event, kinda, with a slight bit of embellishment. Several years ago I was at a zoo (insert family reunion jokes here) and they had little ice cream cones filled with animal food for sale, and you could offer them to some of the animals, including the giraffes. Several people bought them and offered them to these long-neck beauties. One young woman held hers up to an adult giraffe, who came over to the fence, bent his head and extended his tongue to grasp the cone. An adult giraffe’s tongue is about 20 inches long, and covered with thick saliva. The giraffe wrapped his thick, mucus-covered tongue around the woman’s hand and took the cone…as the woman screamed in shock. Her hand was literally dripping with “stuff” and she continued to scream as she shook her hand, trying to rid herself of gunk that now covered her entire hand and wrist. The people there watched in stunned silence and then threw their cones over the fence.@JoeMama: Thanks…maybe I should have said, “with his Hammond….”@Sweet Li'l Bonbon: Thank you so much! And, yup, pickings are slim at the multiplex…..@Jodee: I hope it wasn’t too weird… This was a little different today, wasn’t it? I think I was possessed by the spirit of Friday the Thirteenth and the full moon…but I had a howling good time….@Laura: good one!

@Emily: Thank you and I appreciate that you commented! I'm glad you enjoyed the reviews as I had fun writing them. It may be a while before the sequel to The Abominable Snow-cone Man is released...I heard their assets were frozen.....

I can understand wanting a picture of your unborn baby but.. maybe it isn't such a great idea to scare your baby shower guests with it lol. I know I would for sure never touch that cake. Which could be the mom to be's intentions with that. Get that cake all to herself lol.

The horse one would look so much better if they just left off the two cupcakes over the horse's nose. Just hold your hand up to the screen and cover those two cupcakes, and you'll see exactly what I mean.

And the giraffe would look so much better in any color but red. Green splotches above it for trees. Maybe this decorator was color blind?