Speed of light particles found to be Berlusconi's mojo escaping

Scientists at CERN have today told the world's media that the sub-atomic particles discovered last week moving faster than the speed of light were in fact trace elements of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's mojo escaping.

'It appears that all of a sudden Mr Berlusconi isn't so attractive to young members of the opposite sex now he's lost his political power and there are people queuing up to prosecute and sue him' explained British relationship expert Cilla Black. 'All of a sudden the young girls who were all over him at his famous bunga bunga parties aren't quite so interested.'

Seventeen year old lapdancer and former 'friend' of Mr Berlusconi Maria di Canto agreed 'it's like the scales have fallen from my eyes. Last week I thought he was a highly attractive rich and powerful dirty old man - now he's just a dirty old man. You haven't got Kim Jong Il's number have you?'

'This is the first time we've isolated sub-atomic particles moving this quickly before' said people's scientist Brian Cox. 'It goes against everything Einstein said, but then, septegenarian lady's men of the scale of Silvio never existed in Einstein's day. This changes everything.'

Mr Berlusconi is thought to be re-watching his collection of Austin Powers DVDs in an attempt to find a solution to his failing mojo. 'If Austin can rediscover his mojo - so can I' he tweeted. 'I may however need to be cryogenically frozen whilst a cure is found, or at least until all the charges against me have been forgotten about.'

However, some hope for Mr Berlusconi was offered by one of his former political rivals, who said 'I'm sure there will be no end of inmates who will find Silvio very sexy as soon as he's been banged up'.

Meanwhile, Berlusconi's replacement Mario Monti has admitted to be struggling with the weight of expectation in having to follow in the lothario's footsteps. 'I'm currently putting a plan together for my first bunga bunga party' he told reporters, 'but I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have left my wife in charge of the guest list. She was very keen to be involved though for some reason. So far we've only got Angela Merkel and the Pope on the guest list. She said she might not make it; he's keen though.'