An internet 'Dear Diary' of anorexia

Posts tagged ‘loosing control’

One thing they don’t tell you of when you get mentally ill is the danger of becoming bored of being ill, like I have. I’m tired of being tired, hungry, ill, depressed and unable to eat/drink/do what I want when I want.

I can’t eat fast food because my body is too sensitive to cope with the protein shock, I can’t drink fizzy drinks because my body is too sensitive to cope with the sugar rush, I can’t go on roller coaster and rides at theme parks because I have an irregular heartbeat and can’t breath. I used to be able to do all this, I had fun and loved it, but now I have to stand and watch people having fun. go searching for alternative food when everyone’s buying McDonald’s, I’m sick of being unable to join in.

This recently came to a head when me and my partner went on a ride at a theme park. It was like Vortex at Thorpe Park but with dry ice and strobe lighting. When we were walking onto the ride on the sign it said “Do not ride if you have heart problems”. I knew I would have a problem, but hoped maybe this time it would be different. It was different – it was worse. I began to get doubts as we were getting strapped in, the dry ice was shot out the floor up into our faces (dry ice can affect breathing anyway so already I can’t breathe normally but hadn’t yet realized), the ride began to spin and swing higher and higher. The strobe lighting kicked in (which can make me have blackouts where I have no memory of what happened for the duration of the blackout but I continue to do the last thing on my mind, which if it is to get off the ride I will even if it’s still in motion), so already I can’t breathe and at risk of loosing consciousness to some degree. As the swinging got higher every time we reached the height my heart stopped, the swing down made me feel sick and the spinning was disorienting me, in between stopping beating my heart would then beat abnormally slowly for resting let alone on a spinning, swinging ride. It was bad but controllable, my partner turned round to look at me and could see something was wrong “What’s wrong?” he shouted over the heavy dance track, I told him nothing but he knew I was lying. As the swinging and spinning began to slow down to stop I told him I’d be fine, then an automated voice shouted at us “Scream if you want some more”. We weren’t stopping we were going again and I knew I was loosing control. So we began to swing higher, I tried shutting my eyes but when we swung it felt worse like there was a huge force against my chest preventing me from breathing, I opened my eyes and the giant Ferris wheel at the other end of the fair ground was underneath me, disorientated I was pulled backwards by the swing, by this time my partner was shouting at me, terrified I would pass out and not be revived in time. I decided to focus on a single point so I focused on the face of the man opposite me, but I could see the ground racing towards me from behind him, I gripped my partner’s hand as he tried to signal to them to stop the ride, I couldn’t breathe, my partner was terrified and there was no way off. Finally the ride stopped and I managed to walk off with my partner supporting me as my legs felt shaky, light and like they could collapse at any moment, when we sat down on the grass my partner held me tight and we refused to let go of each other for a few minutes, we couldn’t hear each other talk over the loud music so we walked to a quieter spot. I explained what had happened and my partner said he thought he was going to lose me, especially when I shut my eyes as he thought I had fainted. We held each other close, I said sorry over and over again, told him I’d done it because I’m tired of being ill, he understood and made me swear never to do anything like that again.

Eventually I’ve become a danger to myself.

Mood swings are a huge problem for me too, I have bipolar disorder so I have a lot of them, and depending on my mood my appetite drastically changes, if I’m depressed I don’t feel hungry and people have to remind me to eat, if I’m anxious I can only eat a small amount or I feel physically sick. So not only am I dangerous I’m dictated by my illnesses.