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Boundries for grandparents

Alright so my SO and my parents do not get along. I get it, no love lost. It came to a head when my parents said that SO was not allowed around them. SO said that was fine with him. Now fast forward eight years and it is the same ole same ole.

SO does not go with me if there is a family thing at my parents house: holidays, birthdays, or whatever. Well SO's son, who has lived with me since he was nine, is now in college and lives on campus. For me he is my son, his mom is not involved at all. Before he was here all the time and his dad's mom lived right next door. So we had separate holidays. Last year SO's mom passed away. SO's son went to school and comes home on holidays. I do not want to leave him and SO here on their own on a holiday.I enjoy going to my parents to visit with my family on holidays too. So what is a good solution since they don't want SO there? Split the holidays.

Because I was not coming up on Easter my dad calls the day before wanting to talk to my kids 17 and 15. They were at their dad's house so I asked him what was up. He says to have them call him. He just wants them to know they are welcome up there any time they want to come. WTF? Am I wrong or is this some attempt to tell my kids, in a round about way, that they love them and are sorry that their mom would not bring them over on a holiday which adds a bit of guilt in there if the kids dont want to go. That sounds kind of like emotional blackmail to me. Because I did not have the kids call them back they are now trying to tell me that I am just trying to keep the kids away from them. I said that was not my intention but they are not going to get to paint me as a bad guy to my kids because I didn't do exactly what they wanted. It has been a big blow up and I don't know what the heck to do now.

it doesn't matter who they are. the moment they try and make you look bad to your kids that is crossing a boundary. whether it be a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or anyone else. even if not related. You made a decisioin and that was your choice. if they didn't like the fact that you didn't visit then tell them to suck it. they should have expected it when they banned your SO.

by Anonymous 1
on Apr. 22, 2014 at 7:15 PM

3 moms liked this

Honestly, if my family said "DH or us" I'd go with DH. I wouldn't go to a family gathering, and I'd have no problem cutting them out until they came to their senses.

You let this situation happen by allowing them to dictate the terms of your familial bonds and who is who. Nothing will stop them from drawing lines in the sand and expecting people to pick a side. As your chidlren are getting older, your parents are expecting them to choose a side and stick with it. And, sadly, you've taught your children that is OK.

Where would I go from here?

I'd stand my ground and tell them SO is a part of MY family, and if they want in on MY family, they have to treat him as such. They don't have to love him or even like him, but they'll respect him and treat him politely or they aren't welcome. If the adult children choose to have a relationship with your parents, that is their choice to make. But let them make it knowing full well that it is OK to stand your ground and stick up for your loved ones.

The only reason to say that directly to the kids would be so they could lean on you to take them to Easter at your parents. And leave your SO behind. Is that what they are trying to do? You probably can't keep the grandparents from them forever. Maybe talk with the kids first and then have them call back the grandparents?

I don't disagree with you but I think that I was just in a bad place at the time. Credit was shot from being a door mat for the kids dad and my parents bought a house, in their name, and let me make the payments. I now own the house and feel that I do owe them. I was 25 years old and they had no obligation. I love my parents and there for a long time they were my sounding board. That did not change when my and SO got together. It has taken me years to develop the trust and connection to SO. I really should have never married him but again I wasn't in the best of places at the time.

With all of that being said, I have developed a strong relationship with SO now. And his son is mine, like I said his mother has not been in the picture for years. I did not mind it when SO's mom was alive and she cooked for them but now that she is gone I just don't feel right leaving them here by themselves. I have been doing the rotating holidays for a year now. It has never been an issue. Now they are having a fit and I can't believe their methods. They said they didn't know they had to watch what they said to their grandchildren. They said they couldn't believe that I would try to keep them away from their grandchildren. I drew some pretty big lines in the sand today. I think our relationship is drastically altered. I doubt that it will every be the same again.

Quoting Anonymous:

Honestly, if my family said "DH or us" I'd go with DH. I wouldn't go to a family gathering, and I'd have no problem cutting them out until they came to their senses.

You let this situation happen by allowing them to dictate the terms of your familial bonds and who is who. Nothing will stop them from drawing lines in the sand and expecting people to pick a side. As your chidlren are getting older, your parents are expecting them to choose a side and stick with it. And, sadly, you've taught your children that is OK.

Where would I go from here?

I'd stand my ground and tell them SO is a part of MY family, and if they want in on MY family, they have to treat him as such. They don't have to love him or even like him, but they'll respect him and treat him politely or they aren't welcome. If the adult children choose to have a relationship with your parents, that is their choice to make. But let them make it knowing full well that it is OK to stand your ground and stick up for your loved ones.

I agree but I am half at fault. I have given them the power to think they are making me live life they way they say to live. I just can't believe that they are acting like this now. Very frustrating to know that they have no respect for me unless I do what they want.

Quoting amandacr1026:

it doesn't matter who they are. the moment they try and make you look bad to your kids that is crossing a boundary. whether it be a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or anyone else. even if not related. You made a decisioin and that was your choice. if they didn't like the fact that you didn't visit then tell them to suck it. they should have expected it when they banned your SO.

My kids see it. They know what is going on and they said that their brother was home from college and there was no way they were going to leave with him here for a holiday. I am proud of them for that. My jaw did drop when my mom told me I was just selfish and should have let them decide. Does she really think that we are not a family here?

Quoting chariot71226:

The only reason to say that directly to the kids would be so they could lean on you to take them to Easter at your parents. And leave your SO behind. Is that what they are trying to do? You probably can't keep the grandparents from them forever. Maybe talk with the kids first and then have them call back the grandparents?

by Anonymous 1
on Apr. 22, 2014 at 9:59 PM

1 mom liked this

Nothing in life is ever cut and dry. They should, after 8 years, see that you and SO plan to make it last and learn how to be civil with him.

The whole situation sucks, but you're doing the right thing standing your ground. It's never too late to stick up for what is right. You're an adult now, your children are nearly grown themselves, and TRUE family wouldn't be forcing you to choose. They'd learn to support you and your family, if not your individual decisions.

Good luck.

Quoting laura-l-hutton:

I don't disagree with you but I think that I was just in a bad place at the time. Credit was shot from being a door mat for the kids dad and my parents bought a house, in their name, and let me make the payments. I now own the house and feel that I do owe them. I was 25 years old and they had no obligation. I love my parents and there for a long time they were my sounding board. That did not change when my and SO got together. It has taken me years to develop the trust and connection to SO. I really should have never married him but again I wasn't in the best of places at the time.

With all of that being said, I have developed a strong relationship with SO now. And his son is mine, like I said his mother has not been in the picture for years. I did not mind it when SO's mom was alive and she cooked for them but now that she is gone I just don't feel right leaving them here by themselves. I have been doing the rotating holidays for a year now. It has never been an issue. Now they are having a fit and I can't believe their methods. They said they didn't know they had to watch what they said to their grandchildren. They said they couldn't believe that I would try to keep them away from their grandchildren. I drew some pretty big lines in the sand today. I think our relationship is drastically altered. I doubt that it will every be the same again.

Quoting Anonymous:

Honestly, if my family said "DH or us" I'd go with DH. I wouldn't go to a family gathering, and I'd have no problem cutting them out until they came to their senses.

You let this situation happen by allowing them to dictate the terms of your familial bonds and who is who. Nothing will stop them from drawing lines in the sand and expecting people to pick a side. As your chidlren are getting older, your parents are expecting them to choose a side and stick with it. And, sadly, you've taught your children that is OK.

Where would I go from here?

I'd stand my ground and tell them SO is a part of MY family, and if they want in on MY family, they have to treat him as such. They don't have to love him or even like him, but they'll respect him and treat him politely or they aren't welcome. If the adult children choose to have a relationship with your parents, that is their choice to make. But let them make it knowing full well that it is OK to stand your ground and stick up for your loved ones.

Tell them you have for the past eight years allowed them to be petty and run the show but now it's time they grew up.

Your husband is obviously a long term part of your life and to see you and your family, which includes him, they are going to have to work on bettering themselves with forgiveness and acceptance.

And their passive aggressive behavior towards you through your children will no longer be allowed.

Quoting amandacr1026:

it doesn't matter who they are. the moment they try and make you look bad to your kids that is crossing a boundary. whether it be a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or anyone else. even if not related. You made a decisioin and that was your choice. if they didn't like the fact that you didn't visit then tell them to suck it. they should have expected it when they banned your SO.

You need to speak with them about this. Sit down with them and have an adult conversation. Let them know you are frustrated with their tactics and though you love them, this sort of controlling behavior is no longer ok with you.

Also, you mentioned you use them or have used them as a sounding board. For your SO and your problems? If that's the case you need to have a whole other sort of discussion with them. And never ever vent to your parents or loved ones about romantic relationships. They will not forgive and forget like you will.

Quoting laura-l-hutton:

I agree but I am half at fault. I have given them the power to think they are making me live life they way they say to live. I just can't believe that they are acting like this now. Very frustrating to know that they have no respect for me unless I do what they want.

Quoting amandacr1026:

it doesn't matter who they are. the moment they try and make you look bad to your kids that is crossing a boundary. whether it be a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or anyone else. even if not related. You made a decisioin and that was your choice. if they didn't like the fact that you didn't visit then tell them to suck it. they should have expected it when they banned your SO.

Send me email updates about messages I've received on the site and the latest news from The CafeMom Team.
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