I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for so long. It’s really an honor to correspond with you at all. You are the Secretary of the Department of Transportation. I drive the M5 bus in Manhattan. I wanted to write this letter to let you know that you are the best Secretary of Transportation that I’ve seen in a long, long time. You are way better than Former Secretaries William Coleman and Jim Hall. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that you are the best Secretary of Transportation since Samuel K. Skinner.

The reason that I write you this letter is simple. You are like a god in my household. I scan the papers each and every day just to see if your name is mentioned in the news at all. It seems as though the nation just doesn’t understand you as well as I do. I always abide the laws of transportation as well as I can. I never exceed the posted speed limits. I never transport Class B or C explosives across bridges, through tunnels or across state lines. When I am sailing within U.S. waters, I never illegally operate a casino or take bets on sporting events. When on an airplane, I always fasten my seatbelt according to federal regulations as they have been explained to me in the pre-flight safety lecture, as well as locate the emergency exit. Indeed, I always make sure to test my seat cushion as a flotation device in the sink that is provided in the bathroom. When it doesn’t function properly, I notify one of the uniformed crewmembers. When I see that other people are not abiding the laws that you and your department have seen fit to establish, I brutally beat them into submission. My fists are as big as turnbuckles. It is you, Norman Y. Minetta, that has inspired me to be a transportationally law-abiding citizen of these United States.

I wanted to let you know that I am doing all I can to follow the laws of your department. If it’s not too much trouble, can you send me an autographed picture? I’ve saved you a spot over my mantle, between former Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen and former Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala.

Thank you,
Geoffrey Wolinetz

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

Dear Oxford University, Listen, I'm in a bit of a bind here, Oxford, and I could sure use your help. You see, what started as an innocent little white lie six months ago ("Why, yes, I can steer a tugboat...") has snowballed, as lies often do, into an elaborate web, which has become very tangled, and is not like a snowball at all...

The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 March 8, 2003 Dear New York Times Book Review, Surely you’ve heard of me and my little novel, Clams Casino. The literati are ranting...