change your thoughts

This week, some things have tried to jump out, tackle me, and take me down. In the overall grand scheme of life, they are NOT the big things. I am sitting here right now asking myself why I let these small, but not nice, things get under my skin? Why do we, human, react first and sometimes think later…or maybe we don’t think at all? How can I be a leader, a mentor, and a yoga instructor if I let negative people influence my feelings? I guess it’s because I am human and just trying to do the best I can at any given moment just like everyone else.

So what did I learn this week? What lesson did I take away from having a bully type teacher take things out on my child in subtle, but nasty ways? What did I learn from the woman who didn’t get any facts straight, but called me to say some nasty gossip out of the blue just because she wanted to instill some doubt in my thoughts about the high school where my daughters go and it’s safety? Did I lean into fear, negativity, worry, doubt and anger for a bit? Yes. It was like my impulse where my children are concerned. Did I then take a step back and breathe? Yes. But why wasn’t the breathing part first this week? It was a reminder that like all good skills, you have to practice.

I hadn’t been stretching my gratitude muscle as much as I thought.

As I sat with this and tried to put it in perspective, I thought about how sad these two people are in their lives. I also thought about how the school still needed to know to possibly look into things, so after cooling off, I did send my nice e-mail which was received and made me feel better. I was able to articulate from the former teacher perspective and still be thoughtful as the parent. I did feel better when I addressed the concerns. Now it was time to shift into gratitude.

Using Negativity to Practice Gratitude:

I asked myself what was true about what I heard. I then turned it around to what can I learn from this? There were so many lessons to be learned there. So many. How did this make me feel? Could I teach my daughter to stand up for herself in a way that wasn’t rude or disrespectful? How could I show her that sometimes even authority figures get it wrong? But in a way that is helpful to teenagers and won’t hurt them in school.

What benefits could I pass on from this? I am going to be honest, when I get in “seeing red” mode, I think of zero benefits and that helps me zero as well. Was there a calm way I could think outside the box? Yes. I learned that I could let go and move on as my daughter did and she said she had it under control and would be fine. The benefit is trusting that it will work out in the best possible way and provide growth to us all.

I then asked what I could be grateful for from these situations. It could always be worse. << This statement, while it feels unfair perhaps, is true. Sometimes we are so mired down in our own “stuff” that things feel like an attack on our well-being. It feels like a personal and quite unnecessary way to show us things that need our attention. That was what this showed me. I am grateful for my relationship with both of my daughters. I am grateful they come to me with things. I am grateful that I have support from my family as well. What do I need to praise more in this situation? And I knew that it was the trust in my children to make the right decisions.

If you liked this post, you might like my 30 Days of Gratitude that you can use immediately. >>> Here is the E-book link. <<<

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The other night I was staring at the clock. 11p.m. (that is an early bedtime to be honest). Midnight (the cool ideas start coming in and I have to either write them, or sleep). Then the minutes slowly clicked by for what seemed like an eternity. I started saying things to myself like, “If I fall asleep now, I can get like 4 hours of sleep”, and later I thought about giving up and going to write.

Can you take a guess as to what was keeping me up? I bet you can. The old “What the hell am I doing with my life”? Thought came up out of nowhere. Well, seemingly nowhere. You see, I turned another year older and I bet I am not the only one who occasionally has these thoughts.

I started to make a mental list…a sort of mid-life crisis checklist if you will. Here is what went on it.

What do I love, like absolutely love, about where I am now? I want you to list in your journal or on your planner, somewhere by hand, what it is you love about your life and/or job right this moment. If nothing changed, what is thebest thing about your life, job and where you are?

What would I change about where I am right now? Usually this one is a whole lot easier, right? We have lists that have lists and sections, and letters and points from A to Z on this. But narrow it down to your top 3 things if you can here.

Where would I go if I had the means, the freedom, and no one to judge me? This is kind of like your bucket list perhaps. I started thinking about travel here, and retreats that I would like to go on. You can list anything you want here. Including new jobs or new places to live.

If someone had to say what I am passionate about, could they? This one is huge. If something happened to you, or if someone had to narrow down what you would fight for or what really makes you alive, could someone say that about you because it is so evident? Here is where I said yes. Yes. I am doing the things I am passionate about and people could say what they are.

Where does the doubt come from and what triggers it? I already knew the answer to this one for myself, but do you? I encourage you to think about your triggers, what stays in your mind all night and what you think about. If you have a hard time with this, try my S.O.S. video tips << from the other day. << Ignore the beginning where I talk about the internet to myself. haha.

In the end, this checklist answered my own doubts and I knew what was the next step for me after thinking about this half the night. I know that I love, more than anything, my readers. I don’t get to connect to as many on some platforms, but I do get to connect to my Head|Heart|Health Club << and that is where I am making the biggest difference. I am seeing the changes in the energy of the Club members, seeing how different they react to what is going on in their lives, and how connecting with their inner most thoughts through a combination of journal therapy, mindfulness and centering through basic yoga poses is working for them. This is what I am most passionate about... Helping others recover from poor lifestyle choices and learning that there is a new treatment plan that doesn’t merely ignore your emotional body, but really addresses those needs as well.

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Feeling Down? 7 Ways to Pick Yourself Back Up!

From time to time, we all get a little down, maybe even a little depressed. Maybe we are feeling overwhelmed, or feel bad because we’re not doing well with our goals. There are many reasons for feeling down, and I’m not qualified to discuss all of them, their implications, or clinical treatment. What I can talk about are some things that have worked for me.

Feeling a little depressed can interfere with achieving our goals. We know we should be doing something, but we just don’t feel like doing anything. This can last for a long time if you don’t head it off as soon as possible and take action. Here are some of the things that work best for me:

Make a list. Sometimes we are depressed simply because we are overwhelmed with all the things we have to do that we haven’t gotten around to doing. You might be into GTD, but sometimes every GTDer falls behind with his system, and sometimes you just don’t have the energy to do so. So all the “stuff” that’s in our head can overwhelm us. Start simply by picking up a piece of paper and a pen, and making a list of the most pressing things you have to do. Sometimes it’s work stuff, sometimes it’s stuff around the house that’s bothering us, sometimes it’s goal tasks, or a combination of these and more. Simply making a list can be a big relief — you’re getting things under control. You can see, right in front of you, what you need to do, and that alone can pick up your mood.

Take action. You’ve made a list, and you still feel overwhelmed? Well, get started on the first thing you need to do. Is it a big task? Break it down and just do the smallest task, something just to get you started. Once you get started, once you get into action, you’ll feel better. Trust me. You might still feel overwhelmed, but at least you’re doing something. And once you start doing something, you’ve got momentum, and that feels much better than lying around feeling sorry for yourself.

Exercise. I know, you might not be in the mood for exercise. But just do it! Taking a walk, going for a run, going to the gym, whatever it is you do for exercise — get out and do it now! You don’t need to do a real hard workout, but the simple act of exercise can lift your mood immediately. Just do it!

Shower and groom yourself. Laying around in your underwear, smelling bad, is not going to do you any good. Simply showering, and feeling clean, can do wonders for your mood. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, shave, do whatever it is that you need to do to feel clean and good about yourself. Instant pick me up!

Get out of the house and do something. Sometimes, if you stay home lying around, feeling depressed, just getting out (after showering and grooming) will change your mood. Staying home all the time can really get you down, and you may not realize this until you go out and do something. Preferably something on your list (see No. 1).

Play some lively music. I like Brown Eyed Girl, the Kinks, the Ramones, or an upbeat Beatles tune, but you might have your own brand of feel-good music. Whatever it is, crank it up, and let yourself move to the beat. It may just be what the doctor ordered.

Talk about it. Got a significant other, best friend, family member, co-worker you can talk to? Bend their ear. That’s what they’re their for. If you don’t, there are hotlines, or professionals, you can talk to. And then there’s always online groups. These are great places to find someone to talk to. Getting things off your chest makes a big difference, and can be a huge lift. It can also help you work out the reasons you’re feeling down.

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Look. I get it. It takes lots of vulnerability to be courageous sometimes. Trust me, after writing my previous post here, I almost erased it. So how does one step into courage? First, let’s take a look at the word itself. What is courage?

That was how Merriam-Webster defined it. But to be honest, I define it in thousand little ways and I am willing to bet that you have done any number of things that could be considered courageous.

I want to show you an exercise that I might do with myClub, so bear with me a moment. Take a good look at this quote: It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. ~Erma Bombeck

Have you ever shown your dreams to other people? That moment when you are on the brink of telling them the greatest joy you ever had and the plans you want to make and you rush forward and. Stop. <<< well that’s fear and we’re actually going to talk about that a little later in my Club and on my FB Page, but courage is when you take that deep breath after the panic and you go ahead. So if you’d like, take a moment to journal around this thought. You can pin this to come back to this if you want, but I really want you to think about this quote.

Our culture is ripe with tales of courage. Do you remember being a kid and watching Indiana Jones? Oh how I loved that movie. Especially this part, and I didn’t make it so ignore the spelling:

Well, it just so happens that I couldn’t stand snakes after I accidentally stepped on one in an outdoor hotel lobby. And it wrapped around my ankle and bit me and I had to go to the hospital for hours with no food in my stomach in case it was venomous. Anyway, so later in life I volunteered at the Virginia Living Museum and I learned how to reach my hand into a pillow case, no lie, and grab a snake that was not venomous. I also learned that their scales are like the same thing as finger nails…it still doesn’t mean I like them, but I tried.

Anyway, I bet you have done something in your life that took great courage. I felt fear yet I was choosing to try to get over that fear as best I could. That is a sign of stepping into courage. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~Nelson Mandela

Then there was this time that a lady was bullying my friend and everyone at work was so afraid of this lady. She would scream we were racists if we stood up to her, so she would hide, go on longer lunch breaks, not come back to the classroom for hours, seriously, and then when she did show up, she wouldn’t help my friend (yes, later she was put on probation). Anyway, she stood in the hall screaming at my friend in front of kids and other teachers one day so I stood up to her and said whatever it was I said to get her to calm down, and then later I reported the incident when no one else would. They didn’t want to be the ones to report this lady, no lie, because they knew she’d come after them. A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer. — Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882)

After that incident, I was shaking, but I got it done. Have you ever stood up to a bully before? It’s not easy, but it must be done. I will always practice what I would preach to my children. How could I not?

At some point in your life, there are any number of actions that have taken courage my friends. I just know it. You have probably felt afraid, but done something anyway like riding a roller coaster. You have listened to your heart or even your gut and stepped out on that stage to speak. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”~ Steve Jobs

I said yes to jumping on an airplane to England last year, and going by myself to speak at a conference and I am so glad I did. I hadn’t actually met anyone in person and my parents thought any number of things could have gone wrong…it was a list daily. But without the courage to travel alone, walk around London alone, and go see Stonehenge alone, I would have always regretted it. What if…what ifs are the things we don’t want to be thinking about.

Want to learn more? 30 days of journal prompts around courage in the month of August plus tutorials, master classes online, meditations, bonus yoga poses and more. >>> Head|Heart|Health Club <<<

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Sometimes, my mind starts to wander and I think back to the year that my skin was on fire night and day. I have tried very hard to block those memories out, so maybe you have no idea why this blog is called “The Burned Hand”. I remember getting the incurable disease and thinking that my life was completely over at just 23 years old. I feel like Ygritte whispering that I know nothing at that age. And I didn’t.

I think back to the years that I had my children, and knew that I was so extremely fatigued it wasn’t normal and that I was not “bouncing back” from childbirth. Then the second blood test and the news I had one more incurable disease, okay. Not shocking, I already knew. And more phlebotomies yearly would be needed.

I think back to the year my career as a teacher really started taking off and I was known as Mrs. Happy. I had finally done it! I changed my outlook on life and working with invisible diseases wasn’t going to stop me. And then I started getting violently ill after eating. I couldn’t look at food. I looked pregnant all the time and my stomach was distended. I started having severe allergy attacks, and I had vertigo for 3 weeks. I spiraled down into a place of pain. No one could touch my skin again, only this time was worse. The base of my neck to the sitting bone was on fire. I felt every single vertebrae as if it was on fire and begging to be put out like a living, breathing thing.

My shoulder went out. My hip went out. I couldn’t walk and I took a leave of absence from teaching, for presumably, a year. I told everyone that, but I knew I was never going back. I knew. I actually thought that I was going to stay in that place of pain for a very long time, if not forever.

I was diagnosed then with an autoimmune disease (just barely they said) and “fibromyalgia” due to the 18 points of pain that were in my body. Didn’t I want to take pain meds for the rest of my life? No. No, I didn’t because I already had one disease that could mess with my liver and I wasn’t going to chance this. It was at this point, that I realized I was screwed. I had two options. Get better or become something I didn’t recognize anymore…wait! I already was.

The post will continue, but you can open these in new tabs if you are interested for later:

So life beats you down folks. It does. And it will over and over again if you let it. What you do after this is up to you. So here’s the point in my story that I don’t share much, but I was sitting on the couch in those early years, which yes, I wrote through the pain in 2013, but it barely scratched the surface, anyway, and I knew that I had a choice to make. Get up and live. Other people surely had as many diseases as I did, okay, I didn’t know anyone at the time, but surely they existed. So I would live and change my life for them and show them that it could really be done. I could do it.

One more test would come back in this puzzle that explained that on a purely cellular level I was not processing things correctly, but at that point, I didn’t care anymore. I already knew I was different, and I was going to move forward. So here comes the point where I tell you the steps I took.

The Steps I took To Change My Life:

I decided I was going to change. <<< This is the biggest one that you have to learn. No one, and I do mean no one, can force you to change. Period. If you are waiting for your sign and this post is speaking to you, please write down on your calendar “Day I decided to change and live my life.” <<< Seriously. You’ve got this.

Stop making excuses and lying to yourself. I will get out of the house tomorrow. I will join the gym in a few months. I will try yoga next month. I will eat better after the “holidays”. I will…yup. Said them all. Been there done that. I made a plan, and then I stuck to it. I called it 4 Weeks to Wellness and when each week was over, I would start back again. Slowly and surely repeating the things I needed to change. Fitness, I had to move. Nutrition, I learned what was causing all that pain, balance, what was that anyway? and finally, self-care which was really lacking.

I learned to be thankful for what I already had. This one was hard. Not that I wasn’t thankful, but I was so angry. I was mad at the universe for giving me this life…never really thinking I had that much control over it all, but I was so very wrong. I was wrong. I woke up and started a gratitude practice even in my darkest hours. I couldn’t sleep, but I would roll over and pull myself off. I would not think of the pain, if it came in I shut it down with these words “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” I almost crawled to the bathroom with my eyes shut tight and said I will not insert the F word, think about this F word pain. When i opened them on my bathroom mirror was the mantra “I am healing”. Then I would say that to myself every single day. Also, side note, my girls started to use dry-erase marker like I taught them and left mama messages to read on the mirror. I was living for them and my husband and I was going to succeed.

I started back to yoga. I am thankful that someone took the lead in this and initiated my Yoga Teacher Training. Can you imagine hardly being to move and going to yoga? I almost said no a thousand times. I almost quit a thousand times. I would soak in the tub and almost cry out from pain at doing it, but I would not give up. I would walk slowly and I would do the best I could, but I would finish that damn training. I would and I did in June of 2015. I went on to become certified as well in yoga for arthritis and pain.

I started helping others. I already had my FB page, but it just wasn’t enough. How could I connect with others who could change their lives just by thinking about it, writing about it through my new journal therapy, starting a gratitude practice, and with sheer grit, take control of their heads, hearts and health? I took some money and invested in a platform to build an online community. I called it the Head|Heart|Health Club and I was going to make it work. In January of 2017, I opened my doors to everyone who might want help, and I haven’t really looked back.

So if you are new here to the blog, welcome. I really wanted you to know who I was before, who I am now, and what I am hoping to accomplish for the future of healing yourself. I know you can do it. Please stay in touch with me here <<< and get my monthly updates by newsletter if you’d like. ~Aimee

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Look, I get it. I worry with the best of them. In fact, I come from a long line of “worriers”. Things like Don’t push the trash down with your hand or you will get cut. Or If you go snow skiing, you will probably fly off the mountain. Recently it was A shark might eat you if you swim in the ocean and if that doesn’t happen a rip tide will get you.

I actually love swimming in the ocean and taught my daughters to jump waves as well as my niece with my brother…while the worrier was watching. We all came back in one piece. So what does this type of habitual practice do to your brain? Well, I probably should have been in therapy, in fact I tried it once, but she just there listening to me saying “umm hmm” so that made me wonder what was going on in her head and that was worse to be honest.

Anyway, I discovered yoga years ago, but I didn’t actually “get it” at first. I love this article on it because it was like this. I started to think if a freaking neuroscientist thought just like me at first, then perhaps I am not the only one noticing that some people do go to “yoga” and in fact are not doing yoga at all.

So what did I start teaching that was different in my own yoga classes (and in real life, including my HHH Club)? I started teaching yoga-like thoughts and being aware of the absence of thought, even if it’s just a minute. Now, what if you worry about all of the above mentioned things, plus many others that never ever come to pass? Here are a few tips for you.

Overthinking 101 notes:

Postpone worry. On your calendar, write out a time that you worry. I know, it’s crazy. But seriously. As you are working, if worry starts to come into your head while you are busy doing something else, just stop, write worry at 5p.m. today, and keep going. If it gets really bad, set a timer as well so you can worry about the sky falling for exactly 15 minutes and if you start to think about it longer, you are reminded you devoted enough time to that thought, now it’s up. Like an appointment. Meet back there in your head tomorrow at a different time if it still lingers, but don’t think about it anymore. This actually allows you that slight bit of control that we need.

Obsessive thoughts can be faced. So imagine for a minute you are Sheldon Cooper. What happens if he doesn’t knock the third time? Can he go a whole day without that? So if you don’t get this, Sheldon is a character I love on a T.V. show. He has to knock three times and say his neighbor’s name. But let’s put this in perspective again. My dad uses antibacterial squirty stuff like it’s going out of style. What if a germ actually gets on him? To test this theory and face not using the anti-bac, he would have to touch something and then not use it. See if he can last after being in public. Each time maybe go a bit longer. Again, you get the drift here. Each time try to go a little bit longer without feeling like you have to do the obsessive behavior and see what happens. Are you okay? Can you make it from one task to another without reaching for the anti-bac or knocking on the door a third time?

Use a mantra to relax. As you begin to feel stressed, say “I am in control of my thoughts.” Then breathe in and hold at the top of a breath just a sec and focus on that feeling, then release and breathe out. Keep breathing in and out for a full round of three. Start to notice the tension in your body releasing. Notice the set of your jaw, and unclench the teeth. Let the shoulders relax, and just be aware of being in your body. Notice how you control the rise and fall of your chest by breathing deeper, not shallow, short breaths, but deep, controlled breaths. You are in control. You are able to breathe deeply and focus on the now.

As I have been working on my practice of teaching others how to control their thoughts, I am reminded again and again that just like anything we do, the power of now must be practiced. We mindlessly go through our days sometimes and that is really not healthy. Flex that muscle and learn to practice the power of now through tiny activities like washing the dishes, going on a walk, gardening, yoga and meditation. Each of your tasks can be a mini-meditation in itself. Like riding a bike, but just practice staying present.

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I recently celebrated my one-year anniversary of quitting smoking (editor’s note, he quit in 2007). Well, of finally quitting … like most smokers, I had tried to quit many times and failed. But this quit stuck, and I’d like to share the top 10 things that made this quit successful when the others failed.

1. Commit Thyself Fully. In the quits that failed, I was only half into it. I told myself I wanted to quit, but I always felt in the back of my mind that I’d fail. I didn’t write anything down, I didn’t tell everybody (maybe my wife, but just her). This time, I wrote it down. I wrote down a plan. I blogged about it. I made a vow to my daughter. I told family and friends I was quitting. I went online and joined a quit forum. I had rewards. Many of these will be in the following tips, but the point is that I fully committed, and there was no turning back. I didn’t make it easy for myself to fail.

2. Make a Plan. You can’t just up and say, “I’m gonna quit today.” You have to prepare yourself. Plan it out. Have a system of rewards, a support system, a person to call if you’re in trouble. Write down what you’ll do when you get an urge. Print it out. Post it up on your wall, at home and at work. If you wait until you get the urge to figure out what you’re going to do, you’ve already lost. You have to be ready when those urges come.

3. Know Your Motivation. When the urge comes, your mind will rationalize. “What’s the harm?” And you’ll forget why you’re doing this. Know why you’re doing this BEFORE that urge comes. Is it for your kids? For your wife? For you health? So you can run? Because the girl you like doesn’t like smokers? Have a very good reason or reasons for quitting. List them out. Print them out. Put it on a wall. And remind yourself of those reasons every day, every urge.

4. Not One Puff, Ever (N.O.P.E.). The mind is a tricky thing. It will tell you that one cigarette won’t hurt. And it’s hard to argue with that logic, especially when you’re in the middle of an urge. And those urges are super hard to argue with. Don’t give in. Tell yourself, before the urges come, that you will not smoke a single puff, ever again. Because the truth is, that one puff WILL hurt. One puff leads to a second, and a third, and soon you’re not quitting, you’re smoking. Don’t fool yourself. A single puff will almost always lead to a recession. DO NOT TAKE A SINGLE PUFF!

5. Join a Forum. One of the things that helped the most in this quit was an online forum for quitters (quitsmoking.about.com) … you don’t feel so alone when you’re miserable. Misery loves company, after all. Go online, introduce yourself, get to know the others who are going through the exact same thing, post about your crappy experience, and read about others who are even worse than you. Best rule: Post Before You Smoke. If you set this rule and stick to it, you will make it through your urge. Others will talk you through it. And they’ll celebrate with you when you make it through your first day, day 2, 3, and 4, week 1 and beyond. It’s great fun.

6. Reward Yourself. Set up a plan for your rewards. Definitely reward yourself after the first day, and the second, and the third. You can do the fourth if you want, but definitely after Week 1 and Week 2. And month 1, and month 2. And 6 months and a year. Make them good rewards, that you’ll look forward to: CDs, books, DVDs, T-shirts, shoes, a massage, a bike, a dinner out at your favorite restaurant, a hotel stay … whatever you can afford. Even better: take whatever you would have spent on smoking each day, and put it in a jar. This is your Rewards Jar. Go crazy! Celebrate your every success! You deserve it.

7. Delay. If you have an urge, wait. Do the following things: take 10 deep breaths. Drink water. Eat a snack (at first it was candy and gum, then I switched to healthier stuff like carrots and frozen grapes and pretzels). Call your support person. Post on your smoking cessation forum. Exercise. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES, BUT DELAY, DELAY, DELAY. You will make it through it, and the urge will go away. When it does, celebrate! Take it one urge at a time, and you can do it.

8. Replace Negative Habits with Positive Ones. What do you do when you’re stressed? If you currently react to stress with a cigarette, you’ll need to find something else to do. Deep breathing, self massage of my neck and shoulders, and exercise have worked wonders for me. Other habits, such as what you do the first thing in the morning, or what you do in the car, or wherever you usually smoke, should be replaced with better, more positive ones. Running has been my best positive habit, although I have a few others that replaced smoking.

9. Make it Through Hell Week, then Heck Week, and You’re Golden. The hardest part of quitting is the first two days. If you can get past that, you’ve passed the nicotine withdrawal stage, and the rest is mostly mental. But all of the first week is hell. Which is why it’s called Hell Week. After that, it begins to get easier. Second week is Heck Week, and is still difficult, but not nearly as hellish as the first. After that, it was smooth sailing for me. I just had to deal with an occasional strong urge, but the rest of the urges were light, and I felt confident I could make it through anything.

10. If You Fall, Get Up. And Learn From Your Mistakes. Yes, we all fail. That does not mean we are failures, or that we can never succeed. If you fall, it’s not the end of the world. Get up, brush yourself off, and try again. I failed numerous times before succeeding. But you know what? Each of those failures taught me something. Well, sometimes I repeated the same mistakes several times, but eventually I learned. Figure out what your obstacles to success are, and plan to overcome them in your next quit. And don’t wait a few months until your next quit. Give yourself a few days to plan and prepare, commit fully to it, and go for it!

BONUS TIP #11: THINK POSITIVE. This is the most important tip of all. I saved it for last. If you have a positive, can-do attitude, as corny as it may sound, you will succeed. Trust me. It works. Tell yourself that you can do it, and you will. Tell yourself that you can’t do it, and you definitely won’t. When things get rough, think positive! You CAN make it through the urge. You CAN make it through Hell Week. And you can. I did. So have millions of others. We are no better than you. (In my case, worse.)

Editor’s note: Lots of people have asked for this, so I pulled a guest post. If you are interested in replacing some thoughts with positive ones and being more mindful of getting healthy, see the Work With Me tab as I would suggest the Gratitude Journal to keep you going on the right path.

Mental Badassery: Becoming Aware of the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Barely anyone is aware of this hidden mechanism, even though it’s happening all the time, in all of us.

It’s the stories we tell ourselves.

We do it all day long: we tell ourselves a story about what’s happening in our lives, about other people, about ourselves. When I call them “stories” … that doesn’t mean they’re false, or that they aren’t based on the truth. It just means we’ve constructed a narrative based on our experiences, a perspective on the world around us, an interpretation of facts as we see them. Not false, but not necessarily the entire truth — just one perspective.

A different person could look at the same situation and tell a very different situation.

A few examples:

You might have a story about how your boss is very supportive and praises you a lot, which means you are doing a good job and like your work environment, and this story makes you happy. Another person might look at the same situation and tell a story about how the work area is messy and people are always interrupting him and he’s tired and the clients are rude and smelly.

You might be upset with your spouse because she was rude to you or didn’t clean up her messes for the last few days. Another person might have the same experience but tell themselves a story about how his spouse has been working hard at her job, has gone out of her way to cook a nice meal for you, and is tired and needs some comforting.

You might have a story about how you keep procrastinating, keep failing at being disciplined, never stick to a workout routine. Another perspective might be that you have gotten some great things done despite getting distracted, you’ve been passionate about learning something and that’s taken a priority over work tasks you’re dreading, and you are tired and need some rest before you can tackle exercise with vigor.

Each of these examples have very different stories about the same situations — it’s about which details you pay attention to, and how you shape the narrative of those details.

Now, telling ourselves stories is natural — we all do it, all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it. But if we’re not aware of the stories we tell ourselves, we can’t understand how they shape our happiness, relationships, moods, and more.

Becoming Aware of Your Stories

Throughout the day, you’re telling yourself stories about what’s going on, about how wrong other people are to do what they do, about how good or bad you are at things.

My challenge to you is to start to notice what you’re telling yourself about everything.

It’s important to be aware of what those stories are, and how they’re affecting your happiness. If a story is making you happy, and you’re aware of that, then great! If you’re not aware of it, it’s not such a big problem if it’s making you happy, but what happens if the story starts to make you unhappy with your life? Then if you’re not aware, you have difficulties.

So start to become aware of your stories, good and bad. Notice them throughout the day.

Notice when you’re getting stuck in the story, spinning it around and around in your head. So and so shouldn’t have done this, and on and on, making you frustrated and unhappy with the person.

When we get hooked on a story, it’s hard to break away from it. But becoming aware of being hooked is the most important step.

What We Can Do

So what can we do if we’re hooked on a story? It can be very difficult to break out of that trap. I know, because it happens to me all the time — I see the story I’m telling myself, but it seems so solid and real that I can’t just let it go.

The first thing you can do is regard it as a dream. That doesn’t mean it’s false, it just means it’s not so solid. It’s something you’re playing out in your head, just like a dream, with very real emotional results. See it as a dream, not solid, and see if you can come out of the dream to the physical reality of the world around you in this moment. What sensations are happening right now, as opposed to in this dream?

The next thing you can do is not act on the story. Even if you’re caught up in it, that doesn’t mean you have to lash out at someone, or run away to distraction or comfort. Just sit with the story, notice how it’s making you feel, notice the physical sensations in your body. Notice that you’re caught up. But don’t act, just stay with your awareness.

There is another way of being: where you don’t cling to the stories but instead drop below them, and are just aware of the moment as it is, without interpretations, judgements, preconceptions. Stories will still come up, but you can notice them and not get caught up. Or if you do get caught up, notice that and don’t hold so tightly to it, coming back to the present moment.

However, this is a pretty advanced skill, and most of us can’t stay in this mode of being for very long. For now, just focus on awareness of your story, regarding it as a dream, and not acting on the story as much as we normally do.

In this way, you’ll be less caught up in whatever is causing unhappiness and frustration, and more present in the current moment.

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Mindfully Free of Wanting People to Be a Certain Way

One of the biggest sources of difficulties for every single human being is the desire for people to be a certain way.

We can’t seem to help it: we want the world to be the way we want it. Unfortunately, reality always has different plans, and people behave in less-than-ideal ways.

The problem isn’t other people. It’s our ideals.

Yes, I think it would be great if people stopped killing animals for food and fashion, and became vegan instead. But that’s not the reality I’m faced with, and it’s not going to happen for quite some time, if ever.

Yes, I think it would be great if my kids behaved perfectly all the time, but that’s not the reality of kids. Or any human beings, for that matter.

Yes, it would be great if my wife always agreed with me, but that’s not going to happen.

So the problem is:

We have ideals about how people should act, or ways we’d like them to be.

People don’t act in those ideal ways, or aren’t the way we’d like them to be.

We get bothered by that reality. Frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, stressed.

This makes us unhappy, and damages our relationships with others.

This is obviously not great.

We have a couple of options:

Stick rigidly to the way we want people to be, and be upset when they don’t meet those ideals.

Stick rigidly to the way we want people to be, and try really hard to make them be that way. (This pretty much never works.)

Let go of the ideals and be happier and less frustrated.

When we think about it this way, it’s obvious that option 3 is the best route. We’ll talk about this option soon, but let’s talk about a couple of objections first.

Objections to Letting Go

When people are confronted with the idea of letting go of their ideals about other people, they usually have a few objections:

Objection: But then people get away with bad behavior. There’s a difference between wanting someone to behave a certain way (and getting upset when they don’t) … and accepting that a person is acting a certain way, and then compassionately finding an appropriate response. In the first case, you are angry at them for their behavior, and your response out of anger is likely to make things worse. In the second case, you aren’t bothered too much, but can see that their behavior is harmful and want to help them not harm. You can’t actually control them, but you can try to help. If you try to help but need them to accept your help, then it will be continued frustration. Help but let go of the ideal outcome you’d like from your offered help.

Objection: But what about abusive behavior? There’s a difference between being agonized about the abuse, and accepting that the person is abusive and taking appropriate action. Letting go of your ideals about how the abusive person should act doesn’t mean you let them abuse you. It just means you accept that they are an abuser, while taking the appropriate action of getting away from them, and reporting them or seeking help for them if it’s appropriate. Don’t leave yourself in a place where you’re being harmed, but that doesn’t mean you have to be afflicted by someone else’s actions.

Objection: But then we don’t make the world a better place. If people behave in less-than-ideal ways, you can agonize about it while trying to change them, or you can accept that the world is not ideal … but calmly and compassionately work to help others. In both cases, you’re trying to do good … but in the second case, you’re not agonizing about how things are.

So these objections are all about wanting to change people’s bad behavior. This article is about inner acceptance of “bad” behavior (or what I think of as “not ideal”) … but once you have inner acceptance, you can take appropriate external action. That might be helping, being compassionate, getting to safety, talking calmly and lovingly to someone, reporting abusive behavior, getting counseling, or many more appropriate actions that come from a place of love, compassion and understanding rather than frustration and anger.

Letting Go of Ideals

So how do you let go of wanting people to be a certain way?

First, reflect on how these ideals are harming you and others. This wanting your way, this wanting a specific version of reality … is making you frustrated, unhappy, angry. It’s harming your relationship. It’s likely making the other person unhappy as well. This is all caused by an attachment to expectations and ideals.

Next, reflect on wanting yourself and others to be happy. If the ideals and expectations are harming yourself and others … wouldn’t it be nice to stop harming yourself? Wouldn’t it be nice to be happy instead of frustrated? Think about the desire to have a better relationship with other people as well, and for them to be happier in their relationship with you. This is your intention, and it is one of love.

Third, notice the ideals and frustrations as they arise. See when someone else is frustrating you, and reflect on what ideal you’re holding for them. How do you want them to behave instead? Don’t get caught up in your story of why they should behave that way, but instead just take note of the ideal. See that this ideal is harming you. Decide that it’s not useful to you.

Also notice your mental pattern of resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, and decide to try to catch it early. It’s a pattern you can be aware of and catch early, and decide to change your pattern.

Next, mindfully observe the tightness. Turn your attention to your body, the tightness that comes from holding on to this ideal. Pay attention to how it feels, the quality of the energy in your body, where it’s located, how it changes. In this moment of observing, you are awake, rather than being stuck in the daydream of your story about why this person should be behaving differently.

At this point, you can decide to try a different pattern.

A Different Way

So now, you can practice a different way of being.

Here are some ideas I’ve found useful:

Instead of fixing on one way this person (or situation) should be, be open to other possibilities. Open yourself to lots of different ways this person or situation can be.

Try to understand the person, rather than judging them based on limited information. Try to understand why they’d act this way — perhaps they are afraid. Perhaps they’re suffering in some way. Perhaps this is their strategy for protecting themselves.

Try to see the good-hearted nature of their actions, rather than one where they are a bad person. For example, you might see that they are tender-hearted and afraid, and so are acting out of fear. Or they just want to be happy, and this is their strategy for being happy. Or maybe they have good intentions and want to help, but are misguided. We all have a good heart deep down inside, but it might take several layers to see that. Anger can stem from jealousy which stems from insecurities and fear, which stems from a tender-hearted worry that we’re not good enough. The angry action isn’t justified, but there is still a good heart at the core.

See their suffering that causes their actions and know that you have suffered in the same way. Remember how that suffering feels, so you can see what they’re going through. Compassionately wish for an end to their suffering.

Tell yourself that you don’t know how people should act. Honestly, I don’t always know how I should act … I am fooling myself if I think I know how other people should act. Instead, I might be curious about their actions.

See the other person as a teacher. They are helping you practice mindfulness, and let go of your old patterns. They are teaching you about reality vs. ideals, about how humans act.

Relax. Seriously, see the tightness you’re holding, and just relax. Smile. Be happy in this present moment.

Practice see the goodness in the other person, in yourself, and in the present moment. There is always an underlying goodness in this moment, if you choose to notice. Trust in this goodness, and you’ll be afraid less and happier more.

These are some practices. Try them, practice them over and over. I think you’ll be happier for it, and every relationship will be better.

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I am always fascinated by research…particularly genetic research after discovering all the things I inherited that I choose to overcome. One of the things that I read while researching the feeling of being alone was this.

A 2007 study published in the journal Genome Biology found loneliness could be in our genes. The team of researchers discovered a distinct pattern of gene expression in immune cells in participants who suffered from chronic loneliness. These feelings of solitude were associated with changes in gene expression that drive inflammation — known as one of the first responses of the immune system.

Hold up. This can drive inflammation? Well what if you prefer solitude and don’t necessarily feel lonely? What then? Because I do have autoimmune and inflammation is the last thing I need. So let me ponder this out with you guys.

I have long thought that social media today makes some young people feel alone and like an outcast. Why? Because I have seen it happen in my own household. My youngest daughter was not invited to an outing where every single person she knew appeared to be there. All the photos. Inside I was livid. All the people she sat with were there…what game were these girls playing because believe me, I didn’t raise anyone to play these games. So how do I go about teaching the difference between being alone and being lonely? Enjoying solitude, yet feeling at peace and not excluded?

Now let’s look at the elderly. They don’t have social media and can feel alone as well; however, they pick up the phone and call people. They have found strong mental habits like thinking of their loved ones who might have passed on with fond memories knowing they lived a great life together. They make church dates, and meetings, and try to get out and keep up their old habits.

Between the generations it is sad to say that we are losing some of the things that make us mentally strong and foster these slight difference in being alone and being okay with it, and feeling isolated and cut off, which is not the same.

So how can we go about creating new patterns that make us feel less alone?

List the top 3 people who you have not talked to in a while, but would like to. Do you have their actual phone number OR could you Skype with them? No texting. Make it a face-to-face meeting or a phone call.

List 3 hobbies you could do OUTSIDE of your house where you might meet people of like minds. No computer stuff unless you are going to look for a Meet Up near you. In this day and age it is important to get out.

Write a letter to a pen pal. Yup. I am way old school, but this was fun back in the day. You never knew when you might get a letter. I remember giving my friend in Australia my address and getting a card. I later sent her a package of some sort. It was pretty cool to me. Now, I don’t know much about this site, but here you go. And no this is not a hook-up as far as I can tell…but always be careful.

What would you do if you were lonely?

You might decide it’s too much trouble talking to anyone in the “real world” and play video games or watch T.V. without actually making new real life friends. <<< Instead, grab your journal and write about the qualities a supportive friend might have.

You might decide to drink alcohol…alone. <<< Instead make a green smoothie, a cup of tea, or a fruit water and look online at your local gym memberships. You can always just walk the treadmill, but you are getting out.

Get invited to things, but never actually leave the house. <<< Be careful here. There is a difference in resting and deciding that you are always too tired to go out. I have been there so I feel like I can say that to you. I make it a point to tell my group of friends that I want to get together monthly.

In the end, what I have found while working with my group coaching members is that action actually makes us feel better! Write this down. If you would like to meet some new friends online in a safe environment, I invite you to join us in the Head|Heart|Health Club. We work our way through our thoughts and how to control them, through our hearts and how to foster worthiness and love, and through our overall health and wellness thus creating a more meaningful and fulfilling life no matter where we are in the world. This is right for you if you are ready to move forward from stuck to unstuck and from indecision to clarity. Speak to you soon! ~Aimee

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