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Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. -Anonymous-----------------------------------------Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind -Dr. Seuss-----------------------------------------Somewhere over the rainbow way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me.

International Babylost Mothers' Day

Share of Madison, WI Support Group

The Share of Madison support group meets the fourth Wednesday of every month, usually at the Alisha Ashman Library branch in West Madison. We meet from 6:30-8:30 p.m. Please contact me directly if you are interested in attending.

Monday, May 4, 2009

I love that there are stages of grief. Seriously. I really appreciate that someone took the time to study and identify a predictable model for people dealing with loss and came up with Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (or DABDA, if you like acronyms). When you're grieving, your feelings are unpredictable, unexplainable, and out of control, changing from one moment to the next. Knowing that other people feel the same things is helpful. It gives it a normalcy that is necessary when you are overwhelmed with emotions. It's comforting.

It was a relief to learn that the stages aren't linear (thank you, dear therapist). There are no easy established timeframes that you move from one to another in a set pattern. The feelings are all over the place. Over the course of one day, I can feel anger one moment, denial the next, a brief flash of acceptance, and then depression. The stages can't be forced; you must work through the feelings in your own time. Grieving is highly personal and shouldn't be rushed - either by the person experiencing it or those supporting the person. I find repeating the following phrase to myself is very helpful: "It takes as long as it takes." Feel free to try it.

I can identify clear moments when I've been in the trenches with one of the stages. Like when I said out loud to the universe back in February, "If you just let me keep this baby, I'll never ask for another one again. I'll hang up my uterus and call it done. Just let me have this one. " Bargaining.

When I had the ultrasound in March that revealed the baby died, I repeated out loud "This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening." Denial.

Anger is the one I struggle with the most. Every now and again, I'll experience flashes of anger. Generally, I'm not an angry person. I see anger as unproductive and a waste of precious energy. Perhaps I repress it too much...oh well, I probably have some more work to do on this part of the grieving process. All the other ones...well, I'm pretty good at them.

'We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey'~Kenji Miyazawa

I just said to a friend that my grief feels more like a graph of the stock market. Within the day, I am all over the place. If you look at the overall trend, it's headed in the right direction... until it isn't and I crash. But like the stock market, I hope to recover and keep moving forward. I like your phrase, and I pray for patience to allow this process and myself the time I need. Thanks, Cynthia.

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My name is Cynthia, and my journey to motherhood has included seven miscarriages. My husband and I chose to wait until we had been married for five years before we decided to have kids. We survived three miscarriages in fifteen months. My potholes. When our son was two years old, we tried for another child. We had four more miscarriages.

This site is "My Yellow Brick Road Has Potholes" because I feel a little like Dorothy. She knows where she wants to go and wants to get there so badly, but there are troubles along the way. I have stumbled, fallen, and gotten bruised along the way. Nobody told Dorothy the journey would be so painful. Fortunately, she has the support of kind and able loved ones. Along with hope and a strong spirit, she made it to Oz and then back home. With loved ones along the way, the journey is bearable. You may feel shock, sadness, bewilderment, rage, jealousy, or a number of other emotions. Your journey may not be what you thought it was going to be or even should be. I encourage you to put on your ruby red slippers, close your eyes, breathe, and allow yourself to hope. Your dreams can come true.