Thursday-morning email from The Farm Boy of St. Paul: “The meteorologists like to say: ‘We don’t make the weather; we just report it.’

“Now I’m not so sure. I’m starting to worry there might even be some sort of conspiracy.

“Why? Just look at the front-page story in Thursday’s Pioneer Press. Someone let it slip out. The story referred to ‘yet another storm scheduled to hit the region Thursday.’ Did you catch that? A storm had been ‘scheduled’ for Thursday!

“Now that the cat is out of the bag, I want to know: Just who does this scheduling? And if the storms are now being scheduled, couldn’t they be scheduled a little more conveniently?”

Our theater of seasons

And: The vision thing

The Saint Paul Snail reports: “Today was the day when we were supposed to get our latest major winter storm. The timing of it was uncertain, but the last forecast I saw said that we should be getting snow by 9 a.m. today. [Bulletin Board notes: “Supposed to”? “Should be”? Hmmmmmmmm. What do you think, Farm Boy? Is The Saint Paul Snail in on the conspiracy?]

“When I started my morning shift as a baker for Trotter’s Cafe, it was early, about 5 a.m., and it wasn’t snowing yet.

“As the morning wore on, I would peek out the cafe windows, where at first I saw the brightening day. Later it appeared to be getting cloudy.

“Eventually, I looked out and thought that we had been hit by the anticipated winter weather full force. I thought I saw that the snow was falling so thickly that visibility didn’t even reach across the street from the cafe.

“Then I realized that what I was seeing out of the one cafe window easily visible from where I worked was in fact the side of a large, off-white delivery truck. I was so focused on looking out the window and across the street that I had failed to see that it wasn’t snow blocking my view, but instead a snow-colored vehicle.

“When I realized my mistake, I had a relieved laugh at myself. In this case, seeing was believing wrong. Now, of course, it really is snowing, but visibility is not anywhere near as bad as I thought it was. This is the better reality.”

Where we live

Nellie: “Unless you are having a particular inconvenience or hardship, I don’t want to hear your moaning about the winter anymore.

“It’s Minnesota. Shut up!

“I can’t stand watching the weathercasters on TV anymore with their record- and non-record-setting statistics. Be objective like the rest of the newscast, and just give us the facts. [Bulletin Board could put up an argument here … but it’s much too late in the winter (we certainly hope) to get into petty arguments about objectivity and journalism!] We are not stupid; we know when we should wear our mittens.

“When I stayed with my sister in Florida for three months in the summer, the natives did not whine about the weather. What’s to say? It was hot in the morning, hot in the afternoon, and hot in the evening. Either 86 degrees, 88, 90, 92, 94, 96, 98, 100, etc.

“I once saw Louie Anderson, the comedian, do a show in January here, and he informed the audience that ‘You really don’t have to live here.’ [Bulletin Board notes: He knew whereof he spoke.]

“So, suck it up, and find something else to complain about.’

The vision thing

Headline Division

MissViki in West Lakeland: “When I read a headline from last Thursday’s Pioneer Press, ‘Luger confirmed as Minn.’s next U.S. attorney,’ I knew I had the Olympics on my mind when my first thought was that somehow one of the guys riding the sleds in Sochi had time to work for the state government as well.

“A few minutes later, hubby said: ‘Hey, did you see in the paper that one of the athletes from the luge team made U.S. attorney?’

“I guess Olympic fever is contagious!”

Off the Job Training

Weezi: “Retirement fantasies:

“My husband retired several years before I did, and he burned up several paper shredders getting rid of old records we had stored in the attic. My comment, when anyone asked what I had planned for retirement, was: ‘First thing, I am going to clean my house.’ Eleven years later, it seems the clutter is more than it was when I was working. Someday — when I tire of spending time with friends, volunteering, gardening and reading — I will get to the clutter … if I am still in working order.”

Great minds…

Late Night Comedy Division

The Retired Pedagogue of Arden Hills: “Subject: Just clowning around.

“Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon carried on the late-night tradition with the same setup (albeit different names for the group) and similar punch lines in their Tuesday monologues:

“Conan: ‘I couldn’t believe this — this was actually in the news today: The World Clown Association — follow me on this — I didn’t know there was a World Clown Association … the World Clown Association has announced that the number of clowns worldwide has dropped dramatically [a sympathetic ‘Aah’ from the audience]. The drop in clowns is mostly due to one fatal car accident.’

“Jimmy: ‘Get this, guys: An organization called Clowns of America International — that’s a real organization — they’re saying that the U.S. is actually facing a shortage of clowns [a sympathetic ‘Ooh’ from the audience]. Then they opened the door to one car and said: “Never mind. Here they are.” ‘ ”

Mixed messages

Highstepper Jim: “The ad for the 35th Annual Home and Patio show, presented by Mauer Chevrolet, highlighted the special show feature, ‘The JFK Experience, with over 350 items, including the AUTHENTIC REPLICA of the 1961 Presidential Lincoln Limousine.’

“It got me to wondering: How many cheap un-authenticated replicas are out there that we don’t know about? Are there any authentic replicas on Mauer Chevrolet’s lot? Do they have any un-authenticated replicas that they aren’t telling us about? Did anyone ever think of displaying this beauty at the Auto Show? With over 350 items, could there possibly be an authentic replica of JFK’s toity? How about an authentic replica of his toenail clipper?”

StreetRodder: “TV, radio, and newspaper were advertising for people to see JFK’s ‘authentic replica’ car. I must have missed something in the translation.

“How about real man-made diamonds? Or previously new cars offered for sale? Or exact original copies of classic books?

“Terms seem to mean less and less every day.

“I’m going to the store. I will wear my genuine imitation cowskin leather frock. I’m lucky to have my imitation arctic Eskimo boots, made out of petroleum byproducts. Now where is that genuine copy of the Mona Lisa on black velvet I misplaced?”

Band Name of the Day: A Conspiracy of Meteorologists — or: Clown Shortage

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