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So, here’s the thing. I’ve been submerged in this notion of deconstructing my faith, without really knowing what to call it. The terminology has come about only recently thanks to folks like Rob Bell and The Liturgists podcast, among others. Having been wrapped up in this largely cerebral process of pulling my faith apart, logical piece by logical piece, I never lost my sense of community and the overwhelming need both for myself and for my family and honestly, for humanity as a whole to be connected, apart of each other’s lives.

Having said that, I now find myself in a space where I am ready to begin rebuilding some sort of faith (I don’t know what else to call it at this point). I find great value and energy spending time with people in real, authentic, life giving and transforming sorts of ways.

As I’ve mentioned before I grew up in a largely conservative Christian space, and though there are certain theological and social issues that separate us, there is a sense of community, of being apart of something that is so very needed in our individualized society. But we can’t see ourselves in those churches again because if my wife is a second class member, as well as my GLBTQ friends, we can’t hang, if you catch my drift.

So, we gravitated to progressive Christianity. Which, theologically and socially speaking, most everything it stands for, I can get behind. There are some things though that may come as news and possibly offensive to my progressive friends. The democratic political process is not going to save the world. I’m as uneasy as any other liberal Christian about a Donald Trump presidency, but I don’t think Jesus gave a shit about Cesar or the unjust laws that essentially imprisioned the majority of the population.

I think there is a middle ground that no one is talking about. A place between the liberal change-the-laws-of-the-land mentality and the everyone-is-wrong -except-us version of conservative Christianity. And I know some argue that Christianity as a whole is dangerous, but personally, I’m not sure. What could be wrong with actually taking care of each other, like, paying each other’s bills, feeding our friends, actually living life together? When I read stories in the sacred writings of Christianity, that’s what I see and that’s what I want. Though of course, one doesn’t need a church to do good in the world, I realize that.

But, I still long for that group of like minded people. We are looking, but I have yet to find a group, church or community here that is interested both in the compassionate life, lived in community with friends and family as well as taking care of those around us. What really makes a difference for people who are living in, say, poverty? Saying I’m going to work to change laws to help you out, or actually paying for a medical bill or trip to the grocery store?

I’m kind of rambling now, which I guess is progress. Needless to say, I may need to visit this one again. There’s a lot here.

I’m not sure I’ve ever sat down, with full intention, and written down the things that I truly want in life.

It’s an odd exercise in that I feel like it’s overly selfish. However, so many Buddhist, some Christian and mystical teachers often suggest that in finding oneself, only then can we live into our full potential. When we are doing the things that makes us happy on a gut level, then we can be forces for good in the world.

So, what do I want to do? As Rob Bell asked, what is it that gives my heart life? There are things I like to do, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to support a family. Having often said that, I wonder why I always use that excuse? Perhaps because I haven’t found what I would truly like to do, rather than something that I like to do. If that’s the case, I have a lot of work to do still to find that purpose.

I think that may be my meditation for the next week at the very lest. What am I to do? What kind of person do I want to be in the world?

I realize this is kind of an echo of the previous few entries, but I’ve never spent time even asking these sorts of questions, so it all new. I guess I’ll be spinning my wheels a bit until I can get some traction and direction. Hopefully that comes soon, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to be intentional about focusing on the journey and not a destination.