Apple Announces Mysterious Conference Call to Tell Us What It Will Do With All Its Billions Today

This is strange. Apple's CEO Tim Cook and Apple's CFO Peter Oppenheimer will host a special conference later today. The topic: "the outcome of the Company's discussions concerning its cash balance." That's £63,000 ($100,000) million in cash, people. Apple can buy bloody Tesco.

It says it "will not be providing an update on the current quarter nor will any topics be discussed other than cash." So what could it be announcing? Perhaps some acquisition? New investments? Buy every single phone manufacturer in the planet? (It can!) Or maybe something as mundane as giving some dividends to the shareholders? Or perhaps a fund to help poor people with Android phones?

My money is on a £50,000 million project to clone Steve Jobs and develop growth acceleration and brain information download technologies.

We'll know more about it today at 2PM GMT. In the meantime, you can tell us what you think in the comments. [Apple]