Clothes hang in the closet, some with tags still attached, waiting to be worn.

But the dining room. The dining room tells the tale.

Leftover funeral programs are in a neat pile. Posters of her face lean against the walls. The table we once sat at for family meals is now covered with framed photos, presents from friends old and new, and a large basket overflowing with hundreds (thousands?) of cards and letters.

And in the center of the table sit her urn, a posthumous handprint, and two little curls.

A shrine to our daughter, both beautiful and terrible.

Three months ago, the doctors couldn’t save her. We’ve been living a nightmare for three months. Not a long time, but a lifetime.

We have a lifetime of lifetimes ahead of us. Every day that passes takes us further from the last time we touched her, held her, kissed her.

It’s unbearable pain that we somehow must bear. To live your whole life without your child…it’s unfathomably cruel.

It’s a nightmare I wish no one had to endure. Least of all such loving and doting parents as yourselves. God how your little girl was magic…pure light and joy. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you, your loss, your pain. You and Mike are in my prayers, and Maddie…she is in my heart.
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Christina B.C. *(before children) =-.

Sheila says:

It is cruel Heather. Anyone who says different is a fool. Time creeps to almost stand still when unhappy. And has a tendency to fly when happy. You know how it goes, can’t teach you anything…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Horses in the water =-.

I wish you and Mike never had to go through this, no parent should ever have to. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that some day you both find peace and feel Maddie’s sweet presence with you and know that her love will always be with you. I wish for your pain to slowly subside, and for the day to come that your days are filled with happy memories of Maddie’s too short life and not so much pain. I don’t know what to say that conveys anything you want to hear or how I feel in my heart, but know that here in this tiny Alabama town you are all loved.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Understanding Emplyee Benefits: The Basics of Health Insurance =-.

Lexi says:

If I could change the calendar so that the 7th never rolled around again, I would. Of course, if I had that kind of power, I would never have allowed your Maddie to leave your arms. That sweet sweet girl…I feel the loss of her as strongly as if I had known her. I cannot imagine your pain. My daughter is 4 months old…she still has that sweet connection with Heaven. I will tell her to tell your sweet girl you miss her, and to come and visit you in your dreams. I hope she has done so already…

Maddie is quite literally in my thoughts almost everyday. The world is a lesser place without her in it. Wearing purple for her.

Each time I comment, I wish for nothing more than to be able to give her back to you. Knowing I can’t, I hope instead that my meager words added to the words from the cast of friends and readers help you to know that you and Mike will never be alone; you will always have the love and support of friends and strangers as you grapple to live through this horribly unjust nightmare.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

I know that no words can ease the pain but I hope knowing that someone is empathizing with you helps just a little. It is unfair what you are going through. Sending good thoughts to you both.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Tuesday Night =-.

I can’t put into words how sorry I am that she is gone, as you would never be able to find words to describe the depth of your own pain. Maddie passing is such a massive loss of indescribable proportions.

Of all the heartaches in this world, none can be so strong as to lose a child. May each room of your house reflect your beautiful Maddies smile, and spirit, despite the heartache and devestation between the walls.

Oh Heather, I know, I know. Some days I don’t know how I will ever survive. Our house is very similar to how you described, only we didn’t get to use any of those things, as she died right before birth five days past her due date last year. The sideboard in our house tells the tale though – sympathy cards still up, some 11 months on, candles, pictures and angel trinkets where we hoped to display pictures of our happy smiling family going about life. This is unfathomably cruel Heather, but know you have people the world over thinking of you and Mike. And of course Maddie, how could we ever forget.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Please vote =-.

Kylie says:

Parents should never have to lose their children. Nothing I can say will make that lose go away, so just know that a shoulder is always here for you in SC.
.-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Monday Musings =-.

It is crueland horrifying for those who want so desprateley to help you but cannot. MY thoughts and prayers are with you every day but especiallyy on the 7th and 11th.
.-= Charlane´s last blog ..Back to every other day. =-.

Erica says:

Dear sweet Heather,
My thoughts too are with you every single day but always even more so on the 7th and 11th of every month. I’ve been thinking of you and Mike today since the moment I woke up. I am seeing purple everywhere today and am thinking of your World Famous Maddie over here in Luxembourg. Your words today again bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart. It is so very unfair and so wrong that your precious Maddie is no longer wirh her wonderful parents. My words aren’t enough, Heather, I know. All I can do is let you know you and Mike are always in my thoughts.
I wish there was more I could do though.
With love
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg

For a while I was into genealogy. Not too many generations ago, it was common to have lost several children in infancy and young childhood to various diseases, accidents, etc.

I wish our great-grandparents had left us some kind of guidebook for how to cope. I don’t know how they survived it, maybe part of it was that everyone around them was surviving similar losses, too.

These days, the pain of losing a child is unfamiliar, and I’ll bet it’s really lonely to move through your community feeling different, feeling like no one understands.

Maybe a support group could help with that loneliness? I know you’ve mentioned that you don’t want advice, that this blog doesn’t tell the whole story, but I’m going to take the chance of pointing out that it might be a comfort to you, at this stage, to seek out other parents who understand the loss you’re grieving. Particularly if they’re further along in the journey – maybe they can teach you how to go on.

You’ve also mentioned that you’re feeling isolated. Maybe a support group would help?

Of course it won’t take the pain of your loss away, but it might help you learn how to carry that pain.

Sarah says:

Anne says:

heather and mike, i found you via matt’s blog months ago… i never comment as i honestly have no clue the depth of your pain as i have never lost a child… but as a mother myself i shatters my mind to imagine having to live with out them… I wish, more than anything in the world, that you and mike never had to go through this and that i could take your pain away.

Jen says:

As so many others, I don’t have the words. My heart aches for you and Mike. I haven’t posted a comment since she passed, but I’ve read every word you have written. Its not fair that she’s not here to love and be loved! Please know that there are so many people thinking of you and Mike and wishing we could take your pain away.
Hugs from Maryland…

Anna Marie Hinnant says:

Oh Heather, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug but I will just have to settle for internet hugs so big ((hug)) Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you, Maddie and Mike. xoxoxoxo
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Our 4th of July weekend… =-.

Shannon Kieta says:

Heather…
It’s been six months since my sister’s been gone. No comparsion, but still painful. I can’t imagine in a million years what you are experiencing; nor would I want to. I only wish you peace and comfort. And to let you know that you have millions of friends pulling for you and Mike. God Bless you both!

I wish there was something I could say that would unbreak your heart just a little, make one day just a little less painful, but sadly there aren’t any words in the world that can do that. Instead I will just remind you that I am thinking about you as always and sending you great big hugs today.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Laumeier Sculpture Park =-.

Kristen McD says:

Not anything I could even imagine or comprehend….once again, no words of wisdom….I’m just so very, very sorry….I still think of Maddie at least once a day, which makes me think of you and Mike and wonder how today is going for you guys.

This is all still so raw, Heather. Three months is a blink. And forever. Words are inadequate but I want you to know that I think of you often. You are surrounded in love.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..I was wrong. =-.

denise says:

Very cruel. Again I wish I had something comforting to say, but am at a loss for words. As always, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Movie Review(s) =-.

Julie says:

I think I read somewhere, once, that when you lose a parent, you become an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you become a widow. When you lose a child, well, there isn’t even a word for that.
I can only imagine that there is not and will never be, a word to describe the pain you must be feeling.
Praying for you!
xoxo
A friend in Tennessee

Alli says:

It is cruel and I wish it never had to happen to anyone. I have no words of comfort and I wish I did. But I hope you know that many are thinking and praying for you and Mike helps, even if it’s just a little.

Lindsay from Florida says:

“Unfathomably cruel” is somehow, in this case, an understatement. I believe two contrasting things simultaneously: 1.) Maddie is in perfect happiness and peace somewhere. If there is such a place as heaven, it was created for people like your daughter. 2.) No matter what heaven has to offer, Maddie should have been with YOU the past three months, should be with you the rest of your lives.

I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry and I think of you and Mike often. And in Maddie’s honor I try a little harder every day to cherish my kids. Sending you hugs and wishes for peace and comfort.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..I don’t think they miss us one bit =-.

there are no words that can make this right or better….i still can not understand why Maddie? and as her Mum, Heather, i am not sure what to say….Sweet Maddie will always be in your life no matter what, her beautiful smiling face and her gorgeous eyes, they are unforgettable…. just wished she was still here.
Love you guys heaps…sending you a big hug and thoughts…..Love you Maddie
Always thinking of you Heather and Mike.
.-= Lisa Wood´s last blog ..Kids.. =-.

I can’t imagine going through all that you endure every day. No parent should have to. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

And I know it may not seem like much, but you do inspire me every day to cherish my child a little more, hug him a little tighter, and be a better mama even when things are difficult – for they are nowhere near as difficult as you are dealing with.

VinegarMartini says:

Sunday, as we trekked 5 hours home from our 4th of July weekend, my daughter wished for a time traveling car to get us there faster. I wish for one that would take you back to your Maddie!

I cannot imagine your heartbreak right now. Mine breaks for your loss and aches for you and your family. I have no words to console you – only a promise to you and Maddie make every day count – and to smile when I see purple – in her honor!

Danielle says:

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, remembering a beautiful little girl I never knew and wishing you and Mike some measure of comfort. There are no words, only worlds of love from strangers. I hope you can feel this love and that it helps in some small way.

I wish I could help you in any way. This is terrbily cruel and unfair and you have every right to feel this way. I’m sending positive thoughts for you and Mike.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Where does the night live? =-.

You are fumbling through. Time will heal, and does that make you angry? Time, marching you away from your life with her in it.
I’m so sorry, dear blog friends. I wish you had more than two curls and a handprint.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Midnight =-.

Your story breaks my heart every single day. I think about your darling daughter all the time. She is in so many people’s hearts. I know it’s not the same. Nothing will ever take this pain you have away, I know. I’m sorry, so so so sorry. I so wish you did not have to go through this. she will always be in your heart. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces for you, really and truly. I will never understand or accept why a young child had to die. There is nothing on earth that is as tragic and wrong and horrible. I’m sorry. She is alive in you, around you. You will be together again – remember that. And even if it might be many more years for you, before you get to ‘see’ her again, for her, it might be in a blink of an eye – you never know. God Bless you guys.
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..Tissue, please! =-.

Debbie in Memphis says:

There is nothing I could ever say or write that would make things better for you and Mike. You’ve had the most horrible thing that a parent could face happen to you and I would do anything to fix it. I’m so sorry that I can’t. Loving you and Mike today and everyday and hoping that you’re finding some moments of peace.

Kris says:

i wish i could just make today fleet for you … it seems to be harder when there is an anniversary-ish date to it.
i’m so sorry that i can’t make it better or easier … but i am thinking of you. lots today. take care.
.-= jen´s last blog ..home. =-.

jen says:

I was watching an HBO movie late last night..in the first 10 min. a little boy is hit and killed by a hitandrun driver. I came in on the scene where the policeman is getting statements from the father who witnessed it and tells him that’s all the need to go home. The father’s face crumbles and he says he can’t leave his son. The Officer tells him that he will stay all night in his place and make sure his little boy is treated with the utmost respect. he gets in the cab to ride home where his wife and young daughter are waiting and she asks ‘we’re going home?’ and falls apart. I couldn’t even talk I was crying so hard. I never thought about the part where you live your child and have to go home empty handed. This was only a movie for me and I couldn’t sleep all night. You are living this nightmare and I wish I could bring Maddie back for you. No parent should ever have to witness their child go before them. All of my deepest sympathies to you. It is an unimaginable cruelness.

Kate says:

It is beyond cruel and beyond wrong that you are going through life without that sweet, sweet girl. It is so unfair. My arms ache for you as I thinking of you wanting to hug and hold that precious baby. I have no words to bring you comfort as that seems impossible.

I do believe that your darling girl lives on in the hearts of strangers like myself all over the world. I think of you and Mike often-though I have never met you. Not a day has gone by since I discovered your blog that I haven’t thought of you and the ray of sunshine that is Maddie.

I hope you get a moment of peace here and there as you think of Maddie and feel her presence within you. I hope those moments eventually turn into longer stretches of time where your feel something other than overwhelming sadness and loss.

Oh, Heather.
How I wish I could change things for you.
Take comfort, if you can, in the knowledge that Maddie will live forever in the hearts of the thousands of strangers-turned-friends that are listening, thinking of you and Mike, and sharing some little piece of your pain.

This life you are forced to live is so wrong-I am so sad for you two. I know that you have heard it a million times before but let me be the million and first. I love you guys and I will always carry Maddie in my heart.

Sarah Dawson says:

Ugh, saying it fucking sucks doesn’t even come close. Always…thoughts, prayers, hugs. Keeping you, Mike and precious Maddie close to my heart. I wish I could take just a tiny bit of your pain away but I know I can’t. xo

Michele says:

Lori says:

Again…not quite knowing the words to say, but walking this road and crying along with you. I only wish I could take some of the pain for you, even though I didn’t know you, or Maddie personally…no one should ever have to experience a loss this incredibly deep…..I am so, so, so, so, sorry…………

I can’t even imagine. I can’t. I wish I could lessen it, and yes, it’s a short time and a lifetime—you framed this hell. My heart is hearing you today. Hugs and prayers
.-= jana´s last blog ..Graceful freedom =-.

my best friend lost her sister just over two years ago in a tragic car accident that took the lives of her and four of her friends. every time i visit her house, there are reminders of when she was there- notes she left are still hung on the fridge, her bedroom door is open, the messy floor is untouched and the bed unmade. it’s hard to see, but it makes it feel like she’s still there in a way.

Deb says:

Jodi Lewandoski says:

You are walking through a dark valley right now and you don’t see any light ahead. You will be with Maddie again, and the time you are with her will be far greater than the time you are without her. Steven Curtis Chapman and his family lost their precious daughter not long ago, and he said that the only thing he could imagine worse than what they went through would be going through it without God. Please visit their website, maybe learn some of the things they have learned on thier journey through grief. They have Hope, and it sustains them. I pray you find it too.

hzp says:

I know the feeling. my 4 1/2 year old brother passed away 3.5 years ago and I remember the entire house staying the same except for the dining room. It was full of poster size collages of pictures from his memorial service, condolence cards, flowers, etc. His bedroom stayed the same with his clothes in the closet and his toys and books on the shelves. The family room still had his kid-sized table & chairs and collection of balls. I don’t know what its like to lose my own child, but I do know what its like to lose a child I loved unconditionally and with all my heart. I can say that it does become more bearable. We will obviously never forget them or stop longing for them, but we can heal and sustain over time. “Time heals what reason cannot”.

jfedds says:

Carla says:

I am a lurker. I never leave comments, but am drawn to your website everyday. I am not a mother, but I just cannot imagine your pain. Perhaps it is the fact that I work with small children with special needs each day that has made me feel like I know you and your family; perhaps it is the fact that I am part Portuguese; not quite sure. Although I do not know you, I pray for you and think of your family often. I admire your honesty and your willingness to share so much of your life. I can only hope that you someday find some peace. Thank you for your bravery.

Oh God, as usual you say so much in so few words. Tragic, sad, but your words are beautiful. I’m wondering if you’ve been able to bring yourself to read those condolence cards. For some reason I still can’t look at the ones we received after Oliver died ten weeks ago even though I read every email voraciously. But I just can’t read those cards, also in a basket in our dining room.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..A Shadow Passed =-.

I read your blog everyday and rarely comment – even though I think about you and Mike and Maddie daily. You are an inspiration and a gorgeous writer. I can’t believe how eloquently and poignantly you write about your grief. It’s really a gift to all who’ve lost someone they cherished.

I don’t know the darkness you find yourself in right now, but I pray everyday that it will get easier for you and Mike. I hope fervently that some day, you two will find a new version of happy. I am so so sorry you lost your precious baby. It is “unfathomably cruel”.

I started reading your blog when I had to stay home for a week after my miscarriage. It was 4 months ago yesterday. I measure time differently now… before and after. I’ve never left a comment here. Nothing I could think of to say seemed good enough. I want you to know that I think about you, and Maddie, every day. And I’m praying for you. I can’t imagine the pain you have to endure. It’s just not fair.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Defiance =-.

Leslie says:

I don’t even know you, but I find myself checking in at your website and crying as if I’d known Maddie myself. I always wonder what feeling the next day will bring to you and worry about how you and your husband are taking it. I’ve found myself going through all of the posted pictures and videos and grieving for this little girl I never even met. Your little girl touched more hearts than anyone can even imagine.

(another) karen says:

Sylvia says:

I’m not sure how I came across your blog but I always believe you find yourself in places that where you need to be. On 23 December 2008, my older sister had a beutiful baby girl. She was born at 28 weeks gestation. She lived for five whole hours.

What’s my point? I don’t have one but I guess I have felt a tiny, tiny little itty bit of that desperate nothingness, that chasm of grief that can never be filled.

My heart goes out to you and your husband at this time and all the times when your little one should have been with you. But these words are empty, they can not heal and don’t profess to but I hope that your little girl Maddie will always be remembered for the beautiful little soul that exudes form the photos you have on this blog.

Debi Powell says:

Your words paint such a clear picture for your readers… of such deep sadness. Our hearts ache for you and Mike when we try to even imagine what your home looks like, sounds like now without that amazingly funny, adorable little silly girl. My heart is so heavy for your unimaginable loss.
I’ve been wondering how Mike is doing. I dont recall hearing much after his work episode. Has he been able to work? I’m praying for him, and for you.
xoxoxoxo

Heather, My heart aches for you and Mike! Really heart wrenching what you are forced to go through every day. Please just hang on to the memories of the time you had with her, even though it was too terribly short. You are an amazing mother, always will be!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..A brighter day =-.

Amy says:

Melissa says:

I find that I have a pattern when I read your blog . A certain order that I do things in before I come here. I don’t come here often, but when I do… I had visited my best friend’s facebook page prior to coming here. She died in October. Sometimes, I just stare at her page and the very sight of it just makes it hard for me to breathe.I find that I am so overwhelmed with heartache, sometimes anger, sometimes denial, sometimes feel selfish. Because I want her HERE with me, not in heaven even though she deserves it so very much. She went in for surgery and when she got home, she died of a pulmonary embolism. November 17th was the last time I saw her and November 19th was the last time that heard her voice. But when I come to your blog and I see pictures of your Maddie.. my heart is just overwhelmed. The pictures make my heart smile, who’s heart couldn’t smile with a look at her precious face? Your words make me cry. I want to hug you. I want to just reach out to you and tell you that it will be okay. That she is in a better place.. and I know that with all of my heart, but I have difficulty accepting it a lot of the times and my loss was much more distant then yours. After I catch up on your blog, I sit here… and I look at the clock and realize that it’s way too late and I should be in bed. But all I really want to do is run up the stairs and hold my little girl in my arms and pray that she never leaves me. Leaves this world.
I know this is really long and I’m sorry, but I guess… I don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I just want you to know… that your story your heartbreaking story… makes me… want to embrace every moment in my life, with my daughter. And I don’t want to tell you that she’s in a better place.. .because what better place is there then in your arms where you can protect her forever? But she truly is. She’s in God’s loving arms and if anything.. .my friend Angel, she was a mother that was out of this world and when I talk to her… I will always ask her to watch out for your Maddie too.

Cinthia says:

MelissaG says:

Can’t believe it’s been three months either…since I found your blog during the midst of a horrible tragedy. I have no profound words, nothing really seems right or good. Just like to comment so that you know many many people are here reading, grieving (in a small way compared to you) with you.

I don’t know if this is appropriate to ask or way too new, but I’d love to know if anything helps (or makes you feel worse). I always feel like saying more but don’t want to make things worse. Maybe even if other readers wanted to add? I don’t know, I suppose it varies from person to person, day to day, hour to hour?

Childwoman took the words right out of my mouth. Reading that part and you writing that everything still looks the same in your home and than you get to the dining room table…I cried throught this entire post. I still have a lump in my throat.

D says:

Tricia says:

3 months…I honestly can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. This fucking blows.
I wish I had better/more things to say, something more comforting or inspiring but I seem to be at a loss for words. It happens a lot when I come here, read and then I want to comment but feel like a whatever I type out sounds so wrong and so unimportant. But please know, that I am thinking of you everyday, I love you and am so proud and inspired by your strength. strength that at times you think you dont have but you do.
Like I told Matt, I’m honored to be friends, to be a part of your life and to have met Maddie even if it was only for a litttle while. *HUGS*

Julie says:

I am so sorry for the god awful pain you are going through. I’m so sorry. I have been following your blog for some time but I never knew what to say. I wanted to reach out to you, but I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I just want you to know that you are continually in my prayers. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of your beautiful Maddie, think of you. I have cried over your posts many a day. This post, I just wiped out a box of Kleenex over. There’s a lump in my throat – a catch in my breath. I’m so sorry that your precious baby girl was taken from you.
.-= Casey´s last blog .. =-.

I am so so so desperately sorry. It is beyond anything I can imagine. I honestly do not think I could bear it.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

I just wish there was something I could do to ease your pain… but I imagine there is nothing. How could there be? But if there is something… please let me know. And I’m so sorry if that sounds lame of me… I just sincerely wish I could help. And I am so beyond sorry.

I lost my son 11 weeks ago- I feel your pain very well. I hate tha tI can say that. I also hate the fact that with each passing day, I am one day further from when I met him, touched him, kissed him. It is cruel.

Caryl says:

wow…just WOW. this is a REAL reaction…
I’m sorry….I’m so sorry…I am in tears, I cried today because (well, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t mean that in a bad way)
but really, I’m SO SORRY you have to go through this.

I think all those things being left as they were is symbolic of that frozen moment in your lives. I hope that the healing process allows you both to find a happier state of things over the coming months, with the right kind of reminders left here and there.

I also hope you guys are looking forward to feeling everyone’s love and sympathy at BlogHer, and you can enjoy a few moments of time together, out of your heads and away from home. That way, you can have fun getting away from it all, and more fun coming back to it again.