Our American Presidents: Leadin’ It Like Whoa.

George Washington: This tall gent cut his teeth racing horses. Not impressed? How about if I told you he raced horses that were on fire? True. Also true: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. First president of the US of A and set the gold standard for being an Executive strength sex addict.

John Adams: Less admired brother of Samuel Adams who bottled an early non-alcoholic horse hoof beer. John Adams never really wanted to be President but after college he took the first job he could get and just ended up “stumbling into a career path.”

Thomas Jefferson: After a long and difficult life, finally moved on up to the East Side in an apartment in the sky. Owned over 600 slaves and had an annoying goofy looking white neighbor. Not the first nor the last, but perhaps the most blatant white supremicist President.

James Madison: Led the country during the War of 1812. Spent most of his two terms trying to remember who America was fighting against in the war of 1812. Usually guessed Portugal. Spoke so well that people would say of Madison that he “was a fast talking car salesman sonofabitch.” Loved cabbage.

James Monroe: Dying words were “Name a high school after me.” First words were: “mama up.” and first sentence was “Name a middle school after me.”

John Quincy Adams: Son of former President John Adams. Would regularly consult father on how to run a country and if he made him proud. Never made his father proud. Would regularly have his heart broke when he overheard people say “Here comes John Adams! Oh, shit. It’s the Quincy one.”

Andrew Jackson: Hailed from the great state of Tennessee, or as it was known at the time: Tennnessseee. Coined the term for a sex move he invented calling “the missionary position with the lights on.”

Martin Van Buren: Known to allies as “The Little Magician”, his best magic trick was sawing people in half and that wasn’t really magic, but just a saw and earplugs to drown out the screaming. Had sideburns the size of my ass. Was the Anakin to Aaron Burr’s Obi-Wan. Or vice versa. Did magic tricks with his genitals including the “mangina”, “the hippo”, “the noose”, “the time warp”, and “the Executive Privilege.” Died when his sideburns got caught in the anchor of a whaling ship.

William Henry Harrison: Middle name was “John David Michael”. Known to his friends as “Ol’ Strong and Healthy” and to his doctors as “A Fucking Walking Deadman”. Last President born under British rule and first President to give up and die while in Office like a coward.

John Tyler: Was afraid of the dark. Utilized Andrew Jackson’s “missionary position with the lights on”. Won the annual “Ichabod Crane Look-a-like” contest. Was afraid of his own voice which resulted in him spending hours saying. “Did you hear that? Ohmygawd. Did you hear that? What is that? Holy shit what is that? There it was again. Again.”

James Knox Polk: Led the country during the Mexican-American war. Was often wracked with guilt because he loved Mexican food. Was caught by the Secret Service entertaining burritos in his private quarters but the incidents were covered up for political expediency.

Zachary Taylor: Twelfth President of the United States from 1849-1850. Best. President. Ever. One can only imagine how awesome America would be right now if he wouldn’t have eaten that tuna salad. Called “Ol’ Rough and Ready” until his death when he became “Ol’ Rough”.

Millard Fillmore: What a douche this guy was. Seriously. Millard Fillmore pfft. This guy. Fillmore ate the ass of a donkey big time.

Franklin Pierce: Had a vision of a transcontinental railroad that was shut down by the horse and buggy lobby. Had the desire to establish hospitals but succumbed to the powerful dysentery lobby.

James Buchanan: Jimmy Buchanan was just plain adorable. He would often ride his bike down Pennslyvania avenue trying to do “pop a wheelies”, pulling up on his handle bars futilely with his skinny little arms. Once he fell into the swimming hole and his border collie jumped in and pulled him to safety. When that ol’ dog died, Jimmy never smiled the same way again.

Abraham Lincoln: Orchestrated the terror plot against the President of the Confederate States, Jefferson Davis. For his sedition and treason, Lincoln was found guilty and executed.

Andrew Johnson: A curly haired orphan who had a lot of spunk. I hate spunk. Was saved by his Sikh servant while dangling from an office desk in a TV station.

Ulysses S. Grant: Had a desire to be loved most of his life. His sick obsession to be loved led him to meditate seeking to tame his ego, fill the void in his heart with religion, and love himself as though that would help. Also avid antisemite.

Rutherford Bircher Hayes: Was the body of an unsuspecting barber taken possession of by a demon named Khazzol. Spawned several hundred imps per egg-sack deposit. Would let out blood curdling screams when he was busy curdling blood for his blood cheese making hobby.

James Abram Garfield: Shot in the heart and Guiteau’s to blame–he gave love a bad name. Garfield was then set in a ‘sunny spot in the garden’ to heal him from his gunshot wounds. Doctors were surprised when it didn’t work. Was later resurrected on the third day only to be runover by the first bicycle.

Chester Alan Arthur: Won “Racist of the Year” award only four times despite his efforts for more.

Grover Cleveland: Was the first Muppet elected to Presidency. Red flat lips never made sense since they were connected directly to his hinged jaw. Gave friendly advice to children in turtlenecks.

William McKinley: You got a problem with William McKinley? Because he will hurt you. You want some of this? Thought so. I thought so. What? Kicking the shit of Spaniards is what this hurt machine was made to do. What? Oh! Oh my god! You shot him! This shit can’t happen to McKinley! That’s Garfield’s thing man!

William Howard Taft: New Mexico and Arizona became states while Taft ruled from his throne made of skulls. He ruled with an iron fist with bacon gripped in it. He never forgave himself for letting Arizona into the union.

Thomas Woodrow Wilson: Allowed women the right to vote just to get the waitress at Perkins to sleep with him.

Warren Gamaliel Harding: Loved a good pickle. Had a tattoo of a pickle on his belly, just below his panty line, of which he was later embarrassed.

John Calvin Coolidge: Originally from North Dakota but moved to West Egg, when he became filthy rich through bootlegging. Had a horrible obsession with Daisy Fae Buchanan.

Herbert Clark Hoover: Prided himself in being a “normal, down home kinda guy” by which he meant that he was racist. Looked out the window one day and saw a Great Depression and had his windows painted over.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: His safe word was “Tomorrow”. Never consummated his marriage with Eleanor, which was fine with him.

Richard Milhous Nixon: The 37th President could sweat at will. Fed off the psychic energy of children’s nightmares.

Gerald Rudolf Ford: The Pete Best of Presidents.

James Earl Carter Jr.: Believes in Santa to this day. The son of a brazil nut farmer, Jimmy later played down his families’ occupational heritage because of the shame. “Brazil nuts are always the grossest nut in any mixed nut assortment.” He stated in his Presidential acceptance speech. “I uh…was the son of a peanut farmer.” He lied to cheers of adoration.