To be human means to be vulnerable and so it is incredibly important that we look after ourselves and don’t allow people to compromise who we are. Physically we are vulnerable and this also applies to our mental and emotional sides. Each one of these needs to be looked after and protected from what is or what may be harmful to our wellbeing. And what boundaries do is allow one to protect their personal space; without them one is wide open to all kinds of things. But just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that everyone has strong and healthy boundaries. Other people can be blamed for coming onto one’s personal space or doing things that one doesn’t agree with and yet, if one had strong boundaries, this would be less likely to take place. There will be a times when one needs to consciously enforce them, as another person may not be aware of them. And another person doesn’t necessarily have to be malicious to compromise ones boundaries. In their eyes, how they are behaving could be normal. This is because we all have our own views about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.All Areas Although this is naturally going to affect all areas of one’s life, there could be some areas where ones boundaries are crossed more than others. The relationships that one has at work could be the biggest challenge, or this could relate to family members, friends or lovers. Or one could find that this is something that is causing problems in everything single area of their life. Their personal space is then constantly being invaded by others and therefore, anger and frustration could be emotions that they have become accustomed to.Assertiveness To stand up for oneself and set ones boundaries in an empowered way, is going to feel uncomfortable for this person. They might find it so uncomfortable, that they don’t say or do anything at all. So nothing will change and other people will continue to treat them in the same way. One may see other people and wonder how they stand up for themselves. Another person might have no problem protecting their personal space, but one could feel that it is not safe for them to do the same thing. What feels safe is allowing another person to do what they want and to please them. And what one wants or needs is then secondary and ultimately irrelevant.Examples When one has no boundaries it can lead to numerous challenges and some of these can be: saying yes when one should be saying no and vice versa; feeling responsible for what others do or do not do; putting up with people who are disrespectful and abusive; agreeing with people, when deep down they disagree with them; letting the wrong people into their life and stopping the right people from coming in; allowing other people to tell one how they should or should not live their life and many other things.The Swinging Door In the western films, the doors not only swing one way, they also swing the other way. And when someone has no boundaries, they can play out a different role. Here, one might not be the one who is constantly being compromised; they may be the one who is causing others to be compromised. Controlling others then becomes their normal way of functioning. But while the other person will be used to taking on other peoples realties; this person will try to make others take on theirs. To be controlled or to control, are just two expressions of the same coin. In this scenario one can end up: trying to tell others what they should or should not be doing, thinking and feeling; treating others in a way that is disrespectful and abusive; wanting to make others say yes, when they should be saying no and vice versa and going onto another person’s personal space.Two Choices This is not something that is black and white and it can all depend on the context. One person could be controlling in one environment and end up being controlled in another. Or one person could be controlled in one environment and in another situation; they could be the person who is controlling. So there are many factors in involved here. And what stays the same, is that one has no sense of where they begin and end and where other people begin and end.Physically Separate While it may be clear that one is physically separate from others, it doesn’t mean that one feels emotionally separate. And this is a big reason as to why one can end up being controlled by others or try to control others. For the person that is often controlled by others, they are likely to experience high levels of fear in the situations where they need to stand up for themselves. And for the person who typically tries to control others, they can feel a sense of being powerlessness within. But even though this is describing two people, these feelings can be felt by the same person. So one person can come up against someone who appears stronger or more powerful in some way and ones fear of standing up for themselves could arise. The feeling of being powerless then becomes secondary in this situation. And when one is with someone who comes across as being weaker and less influential, this fear will remain hidden and their feeling of being powerless will be what is made conscious. The fear is deeper and the feeling of powerlessness is what is on top of the fear.Projection These feelings will have associations and memories attached to them. So one will regress to the time when these feelings were first formed. And while the cause of these feelings may have taken place many years ago and have nothing to do with the people in ones present life, these feelings will be projected onto these people. This means that one will act in the same way, feel the same way and think as they did when these feelings were originally caused.Causes The cause of these feelings could have been what has happened during ones adult years and another important time is when one was a child. As a child, one has no boundaries and comes to learn that they are separate from others and others are separate from them, through how their caregivers respond to them.Childhood So if ones caregivers generally respected their personal space and allowed one to have their own thoughts, feelings wants and needs; then they would have gradually come to see that they were separate from others and others are separate from them. If this didn’t take place, and ones caregivers generally compromised ones personal space and didn’t allow one to have their own thoughts, feelings needs and wants; then one would have come to see that they are not separate from others and others are not separate from them This would mean that one would have come to see that it wasn’t safe for them to have a sense of self. What was safe was pleasing others and doing as they say. And to experience this over and over again, would have caused one to feel extremely powerless.To Control Or To Be Controlled Through this experience, one could then have come to the conclusion that the only way to feel a sense of power is to mimic ones caregivers. So going onto another’s persons apace and telling them what to do, becomes the only option for feeling a sense of power. Or one could just end up regressing to how they felt at the time and allow other people to control them. So being controlled or controlling others, can seem like the only options availableAwareness But while these can appear to be the only choices, through rising above these dynamics, one can come to see that there is another choice. And that is to have self control. However, in order to have self control, one will have to let go of the feelings and emotions that have built up in their body. These can be feelings of being powerless and that is it not safe to be oneself. As these are released, one will start to feel a sense of self control and with that one’s boundaries will gradually form. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who allows one to face their feelings and emotions and release them.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

Oliver, I'm a fan of all of your articles. I do enjoy the analogies you create to help readers understand your meaning--- as the "swinging door" exemplifies. You are brilliant, certainly. Boundaries are an issue for many of us. Good information here, as always. Susan

thank you for your words and for your continued support. I am incredibly grateful to have met you.

Oliver

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Carol D

5/7/2014 05:33:55 pm

Hello; I just read the article on boundaries. It was very good. I have some neighbors who continuously try to park too close or build planters close to my rental unit. My question is; If there is no way to stop it, and the managers don't care ; is just ignoring them upholding my boundaries also? I just close my drapes on their side and don't even look out of the window any more. I do not need to be on that side for any reason, anyways. Their car has been parked further back. When it gets too close; I also just close that window and try to ignore them. I have found that trying to speak with them rationally just sets off a serious of irrational outbursts on her part. She gets paranoid and says I am discriminating because they talk to Mormons that approach their unit. Some of my best friends are Mormons, I told her, and the comment was idiotic.It's like; they just want to fight. I've learned that there is nothing I can do except ignore them. The mgrs. are just as abusive, and try to make ME look like the problem. Which I'm not. I just want to be left alone by these crazies. They are possibly on drugs; or drinkers. As far as moving; I have no money for that now. I WANT to get out, eventually...

it sounds like a difficult situation; clearly it is not possible to reason with them. Perhaps the only option would be to move and to work on your own boundaries in the mean time.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Ollie

5/10/2014 01:58:41 am

I happened on your article, very useful information. I had and incident recently at my physical therapist where a man who hadn't talk to me for weeks all of a sudden, said hello and introduced himself. We were exercising next to one another and he put his hand on my back and kept it there while we were stretching. I was very uncomfortable but didn't say anything. I felt like I had been violated but felt worse because I couldn't bring my self to make a scene (there were other people around) and say anything. I've had this problem of not asserting boundaries for a while. My solution was to change the time of my class so I would not have to encounter him again. But I can think of other times where I did everything I could to avoid conflict to the point of taking things I should not take. Any advice?

thanks for getting in touch. I get the impression that in your mind, you have two options. The first is that you don't say anything and this is what feel safe, the second is that you speak up and this doesn't feel safe.

So I would suggest that you work with a therapist or a healer to process the reasons why you don't feel safe. Or you could look at what it means for you to have boundaries, question these meanings and then to act differently.

There is also the chance that you were projecting the past onto that situation and the others you have had, and this stopped you from protecting your personal space.

I hope this helps,

Oliver

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Jude

20/1/2015 07:46:47 pm

How do you learn to set boundaries without fear? I have PTSD from the fear of my childhood. I set no boundaries because it feels safe. I feel a victim of other people's rage. My fear stops me from trusting my language around the setting of boundaries. I would love to know how to start. Boundaries seem to cause those raging to rage even more.

thanks for reaching out. I would say that you need to work with a therapist and/or a support group first. As you can see, if you do set boundaries, it just re-triggers what is within you.

All the best,

Oliver

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Alexi

19/12/2015 03:52:44 pm

I found your article when searching for information on setting appropriate boundaries. This has been a theme throughout my life. My husband, though very kind at many levels, does not respect simple boundaries. Examples, if a package arrives, even a Christmas package for me, he wants to open it. Most recent example, I have been taking a college online course for many months, culminating in my final exam last night. I have been letting him know for weeks that my final exam would be last night. I texted him in the middle of the day to remind him I would need an hour alone in my home office to take the exam. 2 minutes into the exam he came into my office looking for the vacuum cleaner that he rarely uses. After the exam was over with, I asked him not to do that any more. He rolled his eyes, and left the room. I do not feel "safe" defending my boundaries. The incident is small, but indicative of death by a thousand cuts. It is ruining my marriage that I cannot expect respect even for small boundaries.

My suggestion would be for you to reach out for support and this could be from a therapist and/or a support group.

All the best,

Oliver

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Deena

28/12/2015 04:18:00 am

Today, I was frustrated because of a phone call from my sister. She's several years younger than I. Her call was so disturbing because of the questions she asked. She wanted to know how much my husband contributed financially to our household. She brought out past events that had no relevance other than to stir up hurt and anger in me. I finally hit my limit and stood my ground with her. Now, she's ignoring me.
In reading your analysis, I understand what's going on. Our mother was very cold towards us as daughters. Mom wanted sons. My sister was a real disappointment being the second girl. I was tolerated being the first girl! Hey, mistakes happen..just don't do it again. Apparently sis had something trigger that powerless feeling? and belittling me made her feel in control. This is how I interpret her actions/words through reading what you've written. And, it has helped me. Thank You.

I had the strangest thing happen. I just started dating a wonderful man for the past two months and I have noticed he has no boundaries when around other guy's girlfriends. My friends came over one night and he wouldn't stop telling my girlfriend how beautiful she was- right in front of her boyfriend so much that my friends boyfriend got pissed and it made my friend very uncomfortable. He said he didn't understand and that he was just expressing what naturally came to him. But the worst story of all was I took him to a family event and he apparently out his hand on my mothers knee for awhile and my dad saw it and got extremely upset. My mom got uncomfortable and now I don't know what to do! My new boyfriend never grew up with a father and his mother always took care of him and I'm wondering if his childhood has something to do with his lack of respect and boundaries for other men's woman. Please help. I now have to have the uncomfortable talk with him and tell him that he is crossing boundaries. I don't think he will understand because it is just the way he is. I am afraid he will need a psychologist or something to uncover deeper issues that I cannot address. I am very sad about the whole thing. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this.

My suggestion would be for you to talk to him about what is taking place and to see how that goes. If that doesn't lead to a positive outcome, you might need to think about whether he is right for you.

All the best,

Oliver

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Michael

16/8/2016 02:36:19 pm

There seem to be a lot of people who have no healthy boundaries and lack very good values and standards from within. They lack integrity, humility, authenticity and wholeness. Often they violate, invade, disrespect and ignore others personal boundaries and don't seem to care if they do so and will continue to do so without ever changing and growing as a person. They are a toxic , difficult, or anti social, unhealthy, unsafe, untrustworthy, immature type of people who will only continue to cross others boundaries and harm others. They are often controlling, manipulative, aggressive, overly critical, constant fault finder, abusive, rude and disrespectful. They all play the poor victim role when in reality they are the perpetrator who often provokes others and instigates trouble, and trying to upset others and to get a reaction from others. They are the immature adult child who constantly tries to hit others hot buttons. Their mentally is my way and the highway, I have to get my way all the time by violating other people of having a self righteous mindset and need to be always right all the time, giving everyone else a difficult time. They cause discord, disunity, and stiff and can be very draining and stressful to deal with. They are not about peace, harmony and goodwill. They are truly a sick and dysfunctional human being, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They way they mistreat others is really a reflection of what is wrong with that person and the unresolved internal issues they are unwilling to face. They are unwilling to address their problems and the root of their problems so they never get well and change for the better. I base this on my own experience and have learned to either end my dealings with such people and refuse to get too close to such people, or avoid them all together, or limit my time spent around them if they refuse to change after confronting them and enforcing my own boundaries. If people can't or refuse to treat me with respect I deserve they will hear it from me or they will no longer be allowed in my life nor presence. I work with children and teenagers and I need to teach them boundaries. It is about time many more adults begin to develop some as well.