John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The attempt to protect children from grief can backfire!

Q:

It's been four years since my great-grandparents died. I'm now 14, and I still haven't been to their graves. I would like to know if it’s still OK to cry over their deaths. I never got to attend the open-casket ceremony, and I’m bitter because my parents banned me from attending. How do I express this to them without hurting their feelings?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Abbey,

Thanks for your note and question.

Let’s start with your first concern, that is, if it’s still OK to cry about your great-grandparents' deaths.

We assume by your ongoing sadness that they were very important in your life, and that you loved them and you miss them. It is perfectly OK to cry and miss them, but it would also be helpful for you to learn how to become emotionally complete so that any pain you associate with their absence can diminish.

To do that, we suggest you go to the library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Even though you are 14, your note to us indicates that you are mature enough to work directly from the book. Read it and take the actions it outlines; you will find positive changes in how you feel, but you will still be able to cherish your memories of them.

Also, the book can help you feel more emotionally complete with your parents, especially in regards to what happened (or not) about the funeral. It's not advisable to communicate directly to them how you feel about what happened, as the highest probability is that it will start a feud that won’t get fixed. We think that’s especially true if they thought they were protecting you by keeping you from the funeral. If you want more about the issue of not talking with them directly on that matter, please send us another email.

We think it’s tragic that you were not allowed to attend, and we’d guess that you were not even given the option to say how much you wanted to go.

Without defending your parents (or anyone who influenced them to keep you from attending), we can only guess that they thought they were doing you a favor by keeping you away. They were wrong!

In our book,When Children Grieve, we focus a chapter on guiding parents and other guardians about how to approach the issue of funerals, and whether their children should attend. In that chapter, we address the dangers that can happen by NOT allowing children to attend. Your experience offers a classic example of that danger.