Men and women bashing quotes

The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources (in particular the excellent and original Top5 mailing list). Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.

"If women had any idea, even for a second, how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us." — Dr. Katz.

"If men could fuck women in a cardboard box, they wouldn't buy a house." — Dave Chappelle.

"Want proof that men are more creative than women ? Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting their own, using nothing but beer and pizza." — Scott E. Frank.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

"They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too." — Brad Wilkerson.

"My girlfriend says I'm a breast man, but I don't think I'm so shallow that I can only see one aspect of a woman's being. I'm also a hooter man, a jug man, a knocker man, a melon man and an ah-ooooooooga! man." — Tim H. Richweis.

"So i went into Victoria's Secret and asked one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs. And the lady goes, 'try radioshack'." — thisismykittyx.

"As a well-endowed man, I'm here to tell you it's not always easy. For one thing, a lot of women won't date a guy whose tits are bigger than hers." — Brad Osberg.

"There's no marriage problem that bigger tits won't cure. Except maybe when the problem is that the husband has tits." — Tim H. Richweis.

"Who gets to have sex with me ? There's only one fair way to decide this... I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Okay, it's the one with the huge tits." — Jim Rosenberg.

"Whenever I hear the saying 'Tit for Tat', I can't help but think, 'Way to go, Tat' !" — Alex Calkins.

"My life's goal is to achieve total enlightenment. But I'll settle for a girlfriend with huge hooters." — James Knowles.

"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."

"It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Let's face it, chocolate is much more reliable than any man."

"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate: they'll kill your dog."

"I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night." — Carrie Snow.

"Women need a reason to have sex — Men just need a place."

One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news ! The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."

"God made Adam before Eve because you always make a rough draft before the final copy."

"It's true that all men are pigs. The trick is to tame one who knows how to find truffles." — Lev L. Spiro.

"Anxiety /n./ The first time you can't do it a second time.Panic /n./ The second time you can't do it the first time."

"I doubt whether any girl would be satisfied with her lover's mind if she knew the whole of it." — Anthony Trollope (1815—82) British novelist.

"Men are like fine wine — they all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with." — Anonymous.

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful !"

"A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: 'PIG!!'. The man immediately leans out his window and replies: 'BITCH!!'. They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road." — Bob Castro.

"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship." — puppet.

"A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't."

"Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."

"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men." — Conrad.

"If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads."

"If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all ?"

"Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck."

"The sex life of spiders is very interesting. He fucks her. She bites his head off." — From a Women's Lib Poster.

"War is menstruation envy."

"I think the reason guys like women in leather outfits so much is because they have that new car smell." — George Fara.

"So I was seeing this new girl... until she noticed and closed her curtains."

"You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police." — Jack Nicholson.

"Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z... Wait, shit."
— JonTG.

"When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me what I wanted in a woman. She pretended to be irritated when I said, 'My dick'."

"Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women."

"Once you recognize the fact that all men are inherently pigs, your life becomes much simpler."

"I have great sex with my girlfriend. She's very vocal, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!', I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'. The only problem I have is when she screams, 'Deeper!'."

"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice." — Bill Cosby.

"The game women play is men." — Adam Smith.

"Did you know a male lion can rule over 30 females and mate over 50 times in one day ? You know, I think those male lions just may have life pretty well figured out." — Keith Sanvidge.

"A woman tries to get all she can out of a man, and a man tries to get all he can into a woman." — Isaac Goldberg.

"I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head."

"If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then you'll get a great view of the women's butts when they get one out !"

"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?""Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."

"When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer."

"She said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink. She didn't seem happy. I just don't understand women." — MrRoboto1024.

"When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done." — Kin Hubbard.

"In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying." — Scott Adams.

"Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humour ?" — Frank More Colby (1865—1925), US editor.

"The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing — then marry him."

"What do you call a guy who makes 'women in the kitchen' jokes ? Single."

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king'Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

"Of all the women I have loved before, both were so-so and way too expensive." — TidewaterJoe.

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

At the cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?"The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man".

"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women." — Groucho Marx.

"I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer." — Bill Hewins.

"Who needs a husband ?My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly."

"While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman." — Boccaccio.

"— Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm ?— I don't know, ask your father."

"— Mummy, where do babies come from ?— The stork, dear.— Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house ?— The police, dear.— Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us ?— The fire department, dear.— Mummy, where does food come from ?— Farmers, dear.— Mummy ?— Yes, dear ?— What do we need Daddy for ?"

"— Daddy daddy, there's a man at the door with a bald head.— Well, tell him I've already got one."

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover'.To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds ?'

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed..."

"Black men don't have large penises... White men have small ones !"

"One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung'. I calmly replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass'." — Farrod.

"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."

"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."

"If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy."

"When you're a guy, every member of the female populus falls into either one of two categories: either you'd like to have sex with her, or you wouldn't. But you think about it regardless. Women don't think about guys that way." — Loveline.

"I read in a book that you can get your girlfriend excited using Foreplay and digital manipulation of her vagina. I don't have Foreplay, so I used PhotoShop. It worked — she totally freaked." — Calvin Winslow.

"Even if you can hit a glass on the table four out of five times when you're clipping your toenails, women will never truly appreciate your skill." — Clynch Varnadore.

"Sex addicts are just guys who are telling the truth."

"Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women ?" — Virginia Woolf.

"Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex life still hasn't recovered from getting it backwards." — Derek Cockram.

"There is one important thing about penises all girls should know: penises really do have different sizes. From smallest to largest: — Small — Medium — Oh, God... — Does that come in white ?"

"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza." — Alf Whit.

"And why do girls say they want honesty... then don't... like the other night I was like 'What would you like to do ?... movie or go out to eat ?'... she was like 'Well what do you want to do ?'... I was like 'Well if it was up to me... we'd just go home and fuck and then you could drive yourself home while I catch the last of the ball game' and then I get a dirty look." — B2uc.

"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy." — Erica Jong.

"Beginning to live with a man is a bit like buying something you've been longing for in a store: you're excited as hell when you bring it home, but then you figure out it doesn't fit in the place." — Jean Kerr.

"And what do you two think you are doing ?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her companion: "See ? I told you he was stupid !"

"Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a compliment, 'You make love like a professional !' isn't always received as such." — Derek Cockram.

"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." — Sue Grafton.

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." — Elayne Boosler.

"OK, basically, I'd give a testicle for that. Not necessarily one of mine. But you get the idea."

"What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? 'Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets !'"

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck ?" — Linda Ellerbee.

Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?"God: "So you would love her."Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb ?"God: "So she would love you."

"FUCK, that's what all the girls ever say to me. Though, usually, they add 'OFF' at the end. Sometimes it's between 'DON'T' and 'ING TOUCH ME'."

"I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them." — Jay McInerney.

"Diamonds are a girl's best friends.Dogs are man's best friend.So which is the dumber sex ?"

"Bitch, bitch, bitch — That's all I ever hear, ever since the dog ate the baby: 'Get rida the dog, get rida the dog'."

"The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I'm a misogynist." — John Avery.

"Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man."

"I'm married, but I don't wear a wedding ring because I've found that it tends to give women the impression that I'm unavailable." — Bill Muse.

"Urinals closer to the ground are not for short kids — they're for long adults."

"Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender ?— MENstruation,— MENopause,— MENtal breakdown,— GUYnecology,— HIMmorrhoids..."

"Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some."

"Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."

"Why do people say 'Grow some balls' ? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding." — Betty White.

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just have someone who'd be really mad if she heard me say that." — Mitch Hedberg.

"How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say 'congratulations' but no one rubs your balls and says 'good job' ?"

"What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common ?Men always miss them."

"Nothing cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid."

"Q: What can a bird do that a man can't ?A: Whistle through its pecker."

"Q: Why did God put men on earth ?A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn."

"Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common ?A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them."

"Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ?A: Because their balls fall over their ass-hole and they vapour-lock."

"Q: Why do women live longer than men ?A: Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them."

"Q: How do you keep male employees on their toes ?A: Raise the urinals 12 inches !"

"Q: Why do men have pet names for their penises ?A: Because they don't like to take orders from a stranger."

"Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive and caring ?A: Because those men already have boyfriends !"

"Q: How are men like laxatives ?A: Because they irritate the shit out of you !"

"Q: Why is food better than men ?A:Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds."

"Q: What's the difference between pregnant women and men ?A:One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness."

"Q: Why don't men have PMS ?A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time."

"Q: What three two-letter words denote 'small' ?A: Is it in ?"

"Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ? a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera, b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it, c) a female boss, d) he has to ask his wife for money."

"Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?A: So they can think with an open mind."

"Q: What's the most useful part of a man ?A: The wallet."

"Q: How can you tell that God is a woman ?A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside."

"Q: Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper ?A: Because God made them perfect arseholes !"

"Q: Why did God make Adam first ?A: A Practice makes perfect."

"Q: What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex ?A: How was I ?"

"Q: How are men like chocolates ?A: They never last long enough and they always leave stains whenever they get hot."

"Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven ?A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell !"

"Q: Why do men name their penises ?A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions."

"Q: How is a man like a snowstorm ?A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll stay."

"Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called ?A: The man."

"Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ?A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there."

"Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ?A: Trustworthy."

"Q: Why are men like commercials ?A: You can't believe a word they say."

"Q: Why are men like popcorn ?A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while."

"Q: Why are men like blenders ?A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why."

"Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?A: Because so many men fake foreplay."

"Q: Why are women so bad at parking ?A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 25 cm."

"Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris ?A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar."

"Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening ?A: Sex."

"Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner ?A: When the power goes off."

"Q: What do men and women have in common ?A: They both distrust men."

"Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts ?A: Guilt gifts are nicer."

"Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man ?A: His wife is good at picking out clothes."

"Q: How is a man like the weather ?A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them."

"Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby."

"Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of ?A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins."

"Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date ?A: Slow."

"Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ?A: They're married."

"Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is ?A: An insurance company."

"Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings ?A: Because they don't have any."

"Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?A: So oxygen can get to their brains."

"Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman ?A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles."

"Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing ?A: Castrated."

"Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men ?A: Bonds mature."

"Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T. ?A: E.T. phoned home."

"Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners ?A: So men can remember them."

"Q: Why do men prefer blondes ?A: Men always like intellectual company."

"A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of ?A: Dating children."

"Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional ?A: In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed."

"Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating ?A: To stop the snoring before it starts. "

"Q: How does a man show he's planning for the Future ?A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one."

"Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male ?A: All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs."

"Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving."

"Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?A: A dog is always happy to see you and a dog only takes a couple of months to train."

"Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera ?A: Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time."

"Q: What did God say after creating man ?A: I can do better."

"Husband: Want a quickie ?Wife: As opposed to what ?"

"Q: Why do men want to marry virgins ?A: They can't stand criticism."

"Q: What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand ?A: A man's undivided attention."

"Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America ?A: A tourist."

"Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf ?A: To keep them from grazing."

"Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette ?A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside."

"Q: What is a man's view of safe sex ?A: A padded headboard."

"Q: How do men sort their laundry ?A: 'Filthy' and 'Filthy but Wearable'."

"Q: Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it."

"Q: How does a man take a bubble bath ?A: He eats beans for dinner."

"Q: What is a man's idea of foreplay ?A: A half hour of begging."

"Q: How do you save a man from drowning ?A: Take your foot off his head."

"Q: What do men and beer have in common ?A: They're both empty from the neck up."

"Q: How are men and parking spots alike ?A: The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small."

"Q: What is a man's idea of doing housework ?A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum."

"Q: Do you know why bankers are good lovers ?A: They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal."

"Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups ?A: Put the remote control between his toes."

"Q: How do men exercise on the beach ?A: By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini."

"Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business ?A: No mind. No business."

"Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women ?A: Exchange him."

"Q: Why do bachelors like smart women ?A: Opposites Attract."

"Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born ?A: To knock the penises off the smart ones."

"Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common ?A: Men always miss them."

"Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?A: Because so many men fake foreplay.

"Women's rules for men:

Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.

If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.

I always choose chocolate over men — ALWAYS.

51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch. Care to push your luck ?

My sexual preference is NO.

My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.

It's not the size that counts, it's... no, wait, size does count.

Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice.

Men are like hardwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them forever.

Save your breath for your inflatable date.

Phrases you don't tell a naked man:

I've smoked joints fatter than that.

Ahh, it's cute.

I'm sorry.

Who circumcised you ?

Why don't we just cuddle ?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

Oh no, a flash headache !

My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

This explains your car.

Are you one of those pygmies ?

Why is God punishing you ?

But it still works, right ?

Do you take steroids ?

Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes ?

Aww, it's hiding.

Are you cold ?

If you get me real drunk first.

Is that an optical illusion ?

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Does it come with an air pump ?

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

The Top Worst Things to Say to a One-Night Stand the Next Morning:

...and counting your dad last weekend, that's the whole family, then.

As if my hangover weren't bad enough, you're still here.

Be a sweetheart and slide down the laundry chute when you let yourself out?

Between coming down off the crack and that nightmare about a naked Marlon Brando, you wouldn't believe what was going through my — AAAAAGH!!!

Can you validate my parking ?

Gotta run — I'm late to confession! Bless you, my son.

It puts the lotion in the basket...

Oh, Susan, I love how your toe tag matches the blue in your eyes.

Ugh, what a mess! Can I borrow a pair of your underwear ?

Wait — you don't own a dog ?

You know, you looked a lot better in low light with your head bobbing up and down.

Your wife called, but don't worry — I told her that you were sleeping off the booze and coke and several hours of intense fornicatin'.

AIEEE! My eyes!

Are those my teeth or yours?

Man, it smells like a Turkish prison in here.

Mom?!?

Mother of God, how drunk *WAS* I?

My lawyer will be in touch with you.

Okay, now remind me... are you Jenna or Barbara?

Sorry about the whole get-drunk-and-screw thing.

That idea o' yours would make a great Senate resolution. Here, lemme give you Hillary's number...

Those marks should heal in about a week.

Yikes! Looks like I need to adjust the prescription on my beer goggles again.

You aren't allergic to penicillin, are you?

You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney...

Your Mom called and can't wait to meet me.

My eggs ? Over easy — just like you.

Wow! You look just like Ernest Borgnine, even in that dress!

And you are...?

Sorry, but I should probably get home before I sober up.

Thanks, I had a great time. Can you just send me the bill for your replacement prosthetic?

Have you ever considered responding to one of those, um, 'male enlargement' ads ?

Could I get you to sign this diary for my parole officer?

Is there any chance you could drop me off at the methadone clinic on your way back into town?

You look a lot, um, less sexy without the burqua.

Remember last night when I said that I run TopFive ? Well, I lied — I'm just a contributor.

For breakfast, I usually have some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Before you leave, would you like to see some sexually arousing video of me and a monkey ?

Look over there at that houseplant and wave... you're on candid-slutcam.com!

We're like two ships that just use each other to dump bilge in the night.

Hand me my penis, will ya ?

— The Top Worst Things to Say to a One-Night Stand the Next Morning, from www.topfive.com

Women Bashing

"And then Adam said, 'What's a headache ?'."

"Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one young woman and another." — George Bernard Shaw, Major Barbara.

"Belladonna /n/ in Italian, beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential similarity of the two languages." — Ambrose Bierce.

"Female /n./ Life support system for a pussy."

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O'Rourke.

"As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power..." — Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica.

"Are Women Human ? In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one vote."

"Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." — Ambrose Bierce.

"Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced."

"A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot." — Pancho Villa.

"Q: What do women and condoms have in common ?A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis."

"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.

"There is always a need for intoxication: China has opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman." — André Malraux (1901-1976).

"A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." — Fontenelle.

"Christ called as his Apostles only men. He did this in a totally free and sovereign way." — John Paul II (1920-2005) Polish Pope.

"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." — Aristotle Onassis.

"The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God." — Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers'.

"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." — Honoré de Balzac (1799—1850) French novelist. La Physiologie du mariage.

"In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation." — The Hindu Code of Manu.

"One hundred women are not worth a single testicle." — Confucius.

"I'm not saying you're a slut, but if your vagina had a password, it'd be 1234."

"It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race." — Schopenhauer.

"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote." — Grover Cleveland, 1905.

Man: You remind me of the sea.Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting ?Man: NO, because you make me sick !

"I don't understand how women can spend so much money, I mean, understand, she don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"

"The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy."

"The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed." — Norton.

"Women are more difficult to handle than men. It's their minds." — Peter Sellers.

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." — Erick S. Gray.

"I was making out with my girlfriend: 'Hey, baby, I'd like to get a little pussy', I whispered in her ear. 'Oh, me too', she replied, 'mine's as big as a barn'."

"There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me." — John Erskine.

"Girls are like nun chucks: they are awesome! But when u mess up it hurts ...alot." — monetcopy.

"Girls are like Wolfenstein 3D. If you get far enough, you have to fight Hitler himself." — Laemtao.

"I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich — the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg." — Scott Adams.

"A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing." — Somerset Maugham, The Circle.

"— What would you guys do without us women ?!?""— Domesticate another animal."

"When the lights are out, all women are beautiful."

"Being an ugly girl is like being a guy, you're gonna have to work." — Daniel Tosh.

"A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him."

"When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave."

"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex." — Ellyn Mustard.

"You can solve most problems by putting a pillow on her face." — My grampa.

"I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more. She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."

"Here's to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.

"Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up." — Louis C. K.

"Never try to understand women. Women understand women, and they HATE each other."

"Of course I like women. Historically, man has always been attracted to Evil." — Timothy McClanahan.

"MilliHelen /n./: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos." — George Carlin.

"Some girl just came onto our floor and was yelling 'sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper'. I just asked her what the paper was about and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism." — kylev.

"Cad /n./ A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant."

"My wife had 100% uptime in 2010. Did not go down once."

"She was like: 'are you enjoying this ?' And I was like thinking, dude, it feels like I'm fucking a bowl of spagetti-Os or something." — TFreak.

"Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other." — Jules Feiffer.

"Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in."

"An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches."

"In every woman there is something good, but you have to put it in yourself..."

"How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends ? It's like seventh grade with bank accounts!" — From Sex and the City.

"A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available." — Masters and Johnson.

"A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities  a natural defectiveness." — Aristotle.

"A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments." — Herodotus.

"A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out." — L. Ron Hubbard.

"The Two Things about Women:1. When complaining, they don't want your advice, they want your sympathy.2. Don't you dare tell them you can sum them up with just Two Things." — Glen.

"My wife helped intensify my religion. Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

"I hiked in the bush once but i told her to shave that shit or i'd never do it again."

"I love women. I love every bone in their body. Especially mine."

"Here is God's cruel joke: by the time a guy figures out how women work, his penis doesn't work anymore." — Loveline.

"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." — Benny Hill.

"Nymphomaniac /n./: A Girl That Can Only Count Up To Sex."

"Nymphomaniac /n./ also nympho; a list of women which likely comprises none of the women you would like and most of the women you wouldn't."

"What's a nymphomaniac ? A woman who wants sex more than you do." — Alfred Kinsey, sexologue.

"El Nino taught me that some of the most beautiful things in nature are also the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant thunderstorms, and topless blondes driving on rain-soaked highways." — Mark Schmidt.

"With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes." — Marlon Brando.

"I was at a magic show once, and the magician chose my wife for a helper and then sawed her in half. Alas, it was only an illusion." — Larry Hirsch.

"You know, I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read the stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago..."

"The government runs the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women." — Scott Adams.

"San Francisco Personal Ads, you will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy: 'I'm looking for a cute strong guy with a truck to help me move a couch from Dolores Park to Oakland some time this week during the evening. I'll buy you dinner afterwards. Picture required'. In other words: 'you must be THIS hot to move my furniture'." — MrBeanTroll.

"I woke up the other morning at 4:00 am to find some woman banging on my door. I was like, WTF ?... So I got up, and let her out." — Neo.

"At first I thought: 'How could women be from Venus ? It's got an atmosphere of poisonous gas !' And then I made the connection: potpourri !" — Larry Hollister.

One day God said to Adam, "I'm going to give you the perfect mate. She will do everything you ask of her and she will always love you.""That sounds great, but how much will it cost me ?" Adam asked."Oh, God said, It will cost you an arm and a leg.""Well Adam said, What can I get for a rib ?"

"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months — I don't like to interrupt her."

"Women: You can't live with them; You can't live without them. That's probably why you can rent one for the evening." — Jim Stark.

"If it floats, flies or fucks, it's cheaper to rent."

"What's the job application to Hooters ? They just give you a bra and say: 'Here, fill this out'."

"Teenage kids these days think sex is some kind of game where you keep track of how far you got with whom. That's pretty immature if you ask me. Anyone with brains knows it's about how many chicks you bang." — Tim H. Richweis.

"If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh until you absolutely — I repeat, absolutely — know that they're joking." — Mark Dockham.

"I think the fact that feminism has just recently arrived after a few thousand years of male domination says something: women are a little slow." — Graeme Glinski.

"I have P.M.S. and a gun; Any questions !?!" — Seen on a woman's T-shirt.

"What does an old woman taste like ?Depends..."

"Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't like to own one." — W.C. Fields.

"Women are like cigarettes: you don't get very far by lighting their butts on fire." — Smilin' Sam.

"Q: How do you make a hormone ?A: Don't pay her."

"Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. Except for women."

"Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full." — Earl Wilson.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!

"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."

"Girls get minks the same way minks get minks !"

"Answering 'Who was that on the phone', with 'Nobody', is never going to end that conversation."

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." — Joan Rivers.

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." — Dolly Parton.

"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."

"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."

"The natural reason why women's butts are bigger than men's is that the anvil must always be bigger than the hammer."

"If all the research spent on beauty products for women had gone to space research, there'd already be fries stands on the moon"

"Socialite /n/: not bright enough to be an actress, too illiterate to be a reporter, too off-key to be a singer, too ugly to be a model, not good enough in the sack to be a porn star, yet not poor enough to be ignored."

"An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization." — Encyclopadia Apocryphia.

"Sometimes i wonder if the fig leaf on Eve's twat is actually an air freshener." — Murdoc.

"'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." — W. C. Fields.

"A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." — Lillian Day.

"When I said I'd always be there for you, I didn't realize you were so fucking needy."

"Women are like telephones... They love to be talked to, they love to be held, but if you push the wrong button... you're disconnected."

"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say: 'You've got something hanging out of your nose'. Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy." — Michael Hayward.

"I've found that a good way to get slapped by a feminist upon meeting her is to reply: 'Oh. You're a feminist ? I think that's so cute'."

"A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings." — Olin Miller.

"A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want."

"Wedding tips:— You better remember each and every anniversary. When you met, the first date, when you proposed and yeah, when you got committed.— Birthdays. It's OK to forget age. Or at least preface it with: 'well you don't look a day over'.— Valentines day. A biggie. Plan ahead. They can spot last minute shopping efforts a mile away. A six pack and a candy bar won't cut it.— And practice your responses to the following: Do I look fat ? Do you still love me ? What are you thinking ? Do you think she's good looking ? A moments hesitation will land you in the dog house." — The Dobber.

"My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage." — Dave Henry.

"A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."

"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes — there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does."

"Men forget but never forgive, while women forgive but never forget."

"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage."

"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.I am now 40 and looking for a girl with very big tits."

"Some people think I have trouble controlling my bowels, but really I just wanted the Jacuzzi to myself." — Mark D. Sabien.

"How can you say I'm not sensitive, baby? Look, I've been writing you a poem about our love. I just need to finish this one line. What's a romantic word that rhymes with 'penetrate' ? I've already used 'fornicate' and 'humiliate'." — Damon Milhem.

"I was just talking to some girl about bdsm. Turns out she thought it was buddhism." — Roladex.

"Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut." — Handy.

"Here's some good advice for the guys: If you like a girl and you want to see if she likes you, put your hand on her crotch. If she gets an erection, she likes you! Only now you have a different problem." — Susie Swanton.

"I like sticking my tits in my husband's face, then asking for something really expensive. I inevitably get what I want. This, my friends, is what is known as a booby trap." — Stephanie Thompson.

"Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten." — Bumper Sticker.

"How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat ? She can fit into your wife's clothes."

"— Can I smell your pussy ?— Hell NO you pervert !!— Oh ! Must be your feet..."

"Beauty times brains equals a constant." — Beckhap's Law.

"Save the Whales — Harpoon a Fat Chick" — Bumper Sticker.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much." — Ann Landers.

"Women who complain that men only want sex have only that to offer in a relationship."

"The world will continue to reward insecurity as long as it's individually packaged and wearing makeup."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me." — Woody.

"Harris, I am not well; pray get me a glass of brandy." — George IV (1762—1830), king of the United Kingdom, on seeing Caroline of Brunswick, whom he was to marry, for the first time.

"You have sent me a Flanders mare." — Henry VIII (1491—1547), king of England. Said on meeting his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, for the first time.

"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does a woman want ?" — Sigmund Freud.

"Woman /n/ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication [...] The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey [...] The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk." — Balthasar Pober.

"When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men."

"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie."

"I think every woman under the age of 28 should be sat down and told that despite the socialization effects of television and Barbie, they are not princesses to be worshiped, they are people to be loved." — Ross Brown.

"All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it."

"Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman ?A: A battery has a positive side."

"Q: What do you call a smart blonde ?A: A golden retriever."

"— Dad, what's a vagina look like ?— Son, before sex, a vagina looks like a pink rose, with soft, lovely petals, and the aroma of perfume.— What about after sex ?— Have you ever seen a bulldog eating a milk-shake ?"