January 16th, 2015

Looking at my Weigh-In page is kind of a kick in the teeth. But when I do check in here, I am honest because there’s no point in hiding the fact that I screwed up.

I stopped doing the 30 Day Shred and can’t recall why. I made it about a week before I got bored, I think.

I’ve started jogging outside though which is pretty kickass because it’s below freezing out there! The lowest temperature I’ve jogged in so far has been 14 degrees. I’m happy about this because it’s made just going outside to get to work much more tolerable, I don’t seem to be as bothered by it anymore.

Another non-scale victory would be my triumph over depression and anxiety during the winter. Normally, I am so down and sad that I can barely stand to get through the day. But this winter has been different and while I have experienced ups and downs, I’ve been noticeably better. I have almost been eating much better, balancing any food I eat in a restaurant with food I’ve made at home, much preferring the latter over the former. I’ve made salad dressing, soup, and chicken fajitas most recently.

My wedding should be sometime in June, unless we postpone to save money, so I do have time to reach a healthier weight. Even 135 would be fantastic. I think the key is to setting realistic goals for myself. A friend gave me a workout routine but that thing is insane! I tried it one day and realized then and there that I can’t do it long term. 120 push ups? 40+ step ups? 40+ squats? And that’s just the start! The program takes up a solid hour of your time with nonstop movement! How is this a beginner routine?! I will stick to jogging mixed with strength training. Maybe as I get better, I will push myself to that point but I certainly can’t start there.

November 4th, 2014

I fell off my diet and exercise routine pretty early. I fell behind in homework, housekeeping, and sleep so exercise disappeared from my list of priorities. I got sick twice. It’s my vulnerability to long bouts of illness that is pushing me to start again. I would love to look good for my wedding but I would also like to survive the winter…

I know my problem is weight/diet related because I used to be stronger. For a brief period of time, I didn’t get sick, I slept well, and I didn’t get so easily out of breath. I need to return to that lifestyle before I waste my youth panting up a flight of stairs with a cold.

October 23rd, 2014

Yesterday was the day I decided to make a change. I skipped coffee and ate only healthy food. I also made sure I carried a water bottle with me at work all day. I felt good but was tired and the pushups were hard.

Today, the pushups were at least as hard, if not worse. They’ve always been my weakest point and today my arms were sore. I’ve also been nursing a terrible headache all day, a sign of caffeine withdrawal, I’m sure. My body is still sore from the nearly two week long illness I had and my chest is still a bit congested. I’m hoping this clears up soon.

Almost as bad as the ongoing headache is my feeling of depression, another sign of withdrawal. In the middle of the routine, I felt like I wanted to cry multiple times. I held it in even as I felt the tears bubbling up inside me. Part of me wonders if this routine is actually something someone like myself can do. But I keep going anyways.

I’ve been unable to fall asleep before 2:00am since I got sick. But tonight I’m tired and I’m making smarter choices for myself. After I finish this entry, I will lie down in bed and read until I can sleep. Day 3 tomorrow, not giving up.

October 21st, 2014

I’ve gained a ton of weight and at the exact wrong time. My wedding is in May and my dress fitting is January. I’ve got approximately 90 days to lose about 20 pounds. That means I need to lose 1.5 pounds a week if my goal is 1/20/15. I’m going to try to start strong and get a lead by losing the first 5 fast because those 5 are overweight pounds. The next few might not be hard either but I expect 138 down to be rough. I am going to judge by my clothes, not my scale. When my fitting gets closer or I can tell I’ve made a lot of progress, I’ll check the .

I am going to eat more veggies, drink more water, and hopefully get more rest…I say this at 2:30am of course but I’m stressed and can’t sleep… I bought a few work out DVDs and will start tomorrow.

July 2nd, 2014

This time last year I was 5 pounds lighter. At least it could be worse, I weighed 147 in April! I have the same goal this year that I had last year - reach the 120s by my birthday. Given that this leaves me with 9.3 pounds to lose in 38 days, I’ll be cutting it close. If I don’t make it, that’s okay. I will definitely make it shortly afterward!

I feel generally uplifted. I think seeing how close I am to where I was before helps. I think Weight Watchers gives me direction. And I think getting into grad school makes me feel freer. I’m no longer afraid that I’ll be stuck at my current job because I don’t see myself staying there full time after August. I might just take a bunch of days off around my birthday, head home, and then go part time even!

May 20th, 2014

It’s been quite a while since I wrote in my blog or used this account to post. But today I decided it was time to fix my life. While some things have improved ten times over - I’m engaged, my apartment is nicer, I actually have money in the bank (although I could always use more), etc. - I have also gained 10 pounds and lost all ability to jog.

My goals have changed a bit. I’d like to weigh 125 instead of 120 and I don’t anticipate working out much as long as I work full time retail. But I think it’s very possible for me to get into shape for my 2015 wedding and eat healthy.

Today is day one and I’ll be looking to those around me for continued inspiration and ideas.

July 23rd, 2013

I’m heading into something of a depressive downswing. I’m almost positive my weight is up and I’m down to just 17 days until my birthday. I’m 98% sure that I’ve failed.

Money is so tight that I’m afraid of everything. I have less than $100 in the bank and I’m hoping to God I get paid this week.

I’m afraid of making a wrong move at work because I need the money, as I just established above, and because losing my last job, even though it wasn’t my fault, was a blow to my already shaky self-esteem.

It’s nearing my TotM so my anxiety is worsening. I’m upset with my boyfriend at any given time, remembering past things he upset me with that, all in all, weren’t horribly bad. The anxiety just takes over.

My current pay and hours are dependent upon my success is my position. I’m not really trained to do any of this, I’m just interested in it, so I’m afraid I’ll fail to provide results. But I’m reading as much as I can and trying to be as efficient as possible. It’s all I can really do I suppose.

July 12th, 2013

I haven’t weighed myself in almost two weeks. I can’t because I no longer own a scale but I’m still hoping I can achieve my goal of 12X by my birthday. I think I weigh ~133 pounds now which is almost 2 less than my last weigh in. I’m going by the size of my stomach as it’s the first thing to shrink when I lose any amount of weight. It used to be the last but now that I’m somewhat in the home run stretch, I guess that has shifted.

Assuming that my guesstimate is correct, I have 28 days - 4 weeks - to lose 4 pounds. I have to continue at an average of a pound a week which used to be fairly easy. It’s not easy anymore, what with no longer having a BMI in the overweight or obese category and no longer having access to even remotely healthy food due to severe financial strain. I just eat less and find myself moving more, simply because I’m in a town, surrounded by activity, and have to walk up and down 2 flights of stairs on a daily basis…3 if I do the laundry… On my birthday, if I don’t feel I totally screwed up and will suffer for it, I want to go to a store and buy a scale. I want to step on it and see that I’ve reached the 120’s for the first time in my adult life.

It’ll be challenging. Besides my lack of money, there’s also the severe pressure I’m under. My Dad is helping my boyfriend and I out a lot but his parents have all but washed their hands of us. His Mom misses us and is really emotional about it but she can’t help us at all because her husband won’t allow it. Even worse, I think his Dad is waiting for us to fail because, in his mind, that would be proof that our moving in together wasn’t approved by God. So I feel a bit of added pressure to not show weakness which is also why, when I realized that my car had been broken into, I make sure his parents didn’t find out through the grapevine. Some drunk busting my car window to steal $5 - which is going to cost me $120 to fix - is not divine intervention…

I start a new part time job on Tuesday. I have an interview on Monday for another job but I’m not sure if it’s part time or not. The ad didn’t say, it only states that it’s temporary. Hopefully it’s at least legitimate and not another scam…

I’m surprised that I handled the break in so well though. I’m surprised that I’m feeling somewhat hopeful. I just have to make sure I don’t mess up. If everything goes well - the way I’m hoping it does - my bank account will be much happier by the beginning of August, I’ll turn 25, and I’ll weigh 129 or less!

July 3rd, 2013

A lot has changed since I last posted.

I haven’t lost or gained a pound since I weighed myself in June. I’ve had pizza and McDonalds the past few days because that’s all that has been available to me. This hasn’t caused any gain, however, because I just moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend and we’ve been making trips up and down our stairs for going on three days now. We’re living in an older building so there’s no elevator and we’re so worn down it’s almost depressing. I even pulled a calf muscle!

I have approximately one more load of stuff to transport and I should be done. It’ll be painful, there are a lot of loose items that I’m sort of just throwing in my car because I’m so sick of packing. The apartment is beautiful though. Small, old, classy, and beautiful. It has one bedroom, a living room with an alcove and windows, one kitchen, and two pantries/storage areas. Parking is a little rough but we’re close to just about everything.

I feel terrible, though. My boyfriend has been carrying such heavy things up those stairs, it breaks my heart. He has ended the past two nights totally exhausted; panting for air, covered in sweat, tired, and sore. And for the past two nights, we’ve been woken up by my dog whining to go out which is strange because in the five months I’ve had him, prior to this week, he’d done that just twice, including when he was a tiny puppy. I’m trying to help but I’m not very strong. =(

Hopefully today is the last day we have to carry so much up those stairs. We still have some furniture to move but that’s one item and then it’s over. Unloading an entire car is just depressing.

June 14th, 2013

I find myself still struggling to cope with the stressful nature of my situation. Yesterday, I was quite upset that I felt I was starving myself and for no good reason. Then, I looked at my bank account…I have less than 3 months’ rent. Unemployment hasn’t gotten back to me in two weeks - I called but that was pointless, I have no clue if they are going to approve me or not and it’s been almost 2 months since I lost my job - and my welfare appointment isn’t until the 19th. I feel somewhat ashamed to have to say I’m signing up for welfare but the job interview I was counting on having today was moved, yet again, this time to next week. I need help of some kind so badly. I don’t want to be on unemployment or welfare but I’m afraid to eat at this point and I’m not having a lot of luck with jobs. Actually, I’m not having any luck at all. People are either afraid to hire me because my resume gives the impression I won’t stay long term or I’m under-qualified, even for the most mundane positions that I know I could fill in my sleep.

My weight has also been a source of pain. If you look at my Weigh-Ins page, I’m obviously maintaining. Since early March, I’ve hovered in the same spot which is around 134/135. I used to be content with this, it’s almost a full 50 pound loss. Then I looked in the mirror one day and wasn’t so content anymore. All I see are thick thighs and, worst of all, a terribly flabby stomach. It’s where I store most of my weight. Even at 133, my lowest weight thus far, it hangs; that’s how much fat is there. My boyfriend even thought it might have been loose skin when we met. He’s a good man though, he said, “I want to ask you something but I want you to understand that I love you no matter what”. I told him it’s just where I store fat, which didn’t bother him. But it bothers me.

I feel like I’m barely eating. I feel like I should be consuming more food. But I’m watching my calories and I guess, by that estimate, I shouldn’t be. I read that I need to allow my body to adjust to the lower calorie count and maybe that’s true. I’ll keep with it for a week or so and see what happens. My 25th birthday is in exactly 8 weeks. If I lose one pound a week, that puts me well into the 120s. I’ll just need to maintain a lower calorie count and really monitor what my body is doing when I try different things. For example, my weight was up the two days I did strength training. I took yesterday off and ate a lot less. Then today my weight dropped down to 134.6 after having hit a high of 137 four days ago. So I’m thinking I’ll try this weekly routine: legs + core, arms + core, rest, cardio, legs + core, arms + core, rest and see if I continually drop on the day I rest and do cardio, which isn’t that hard on me at this point unless I push myself.

I was going to begin rock climbing today but I think I’m canceling. It’s cheap, all things considered - $23 for 11 weeks - but I’d need shoes. That costs $3 a day, every day I don’t invest in my own, which I can’t right now. It’s disappointing and I feel depressed. My roommate, who was also laid off, got unemployment with no problem. She’s going but here I sit, watching my bank account drain, with no job offers and no kind of financial aid whatsoever. The more I think about it, the madder I get. I’m trying, I really am. What happened to this country being the land of opportunity? What happened to those who need help, receiving help? I haven’t had one chance to work and haven’t been given a single dollar in almost two months. I don’t mean to whine, but I know people who stayed on unemployment for as long as they could with no intention of actually working again. And here I am, crying because I can’t find anything, but apparently undeserving of even a second thought.

I’m trying to keep myself going, trying to stay strong, but I’m having a bad week.