155. Hoping, praying, wishing

Right around my photoshoot, Gabby had asked to hang out, just as friends. As she wanted me in her life, just not ready to be with anyone. It took me a few days but I had agreed. I missed her so much…

We hung out that weekend, (weekend of the 6th), went to dinner and had a small movie marathon in her living room. I ended up spending the night. Nothing sexual happened just cuddling. The following thursday, I went to her volleyball game, we had a few drinks, had a amazing time. Before we parted I ended up kissing her, and from that point things just fell back together. Bother if us scared to death of loving the other just fell right back into each others arms. That weekend was great. The following weekend again, she left me saying she wasn’t ready to be with anyone. She has to find out what she wants out of life, and so forth. I told her this time if she leaves she can’t come back. I cant deal with the back and forth, I want you but csnt be with you….its tearing me apart. Since then we haven’t talked. She sent me a few snaps, and I a few to her…but since her last one I haven’t replied. I just want to see her, talk to her. Make sure shes ok….but I know she is. I just wish I could let her go, or fill this void. Though I cant even allow my self to have anyone touch me, or lay in my bed, where she had laid last. Usually I’ve gone and talked to someone else, slept with someone else. I cant, I feel guilty at the thought of it, I wouldn’t love them, I’d only be thinking of her. That’s not fair to them, or my self.

Since day one I knew she would be trouble, say in and day out with her I told Tiff she would be troubled. Shes not even around and I’m wrapped around her finger…hoping, praying. Wishing she comes back.

This situation has made me realize the damage I have done to those I have dated in the past, and I feel terrible. No one should feel this way because so.eone they care about doesn’t k ow what they want. How ever, I do wish, those I’ve dated know it wasn’t because I didn’t care, I simple didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t love my self, or really think someone could love me…..more on this later….as I’m working. How ever I’m glad I have find some sort of clarity to finally start writting of everything going on.