Anthem from a Doomed Youth

Those of you who actually read this column – or at least spare it a cursory glance before grimacing and tossing it in the recycling bin – might have noticed I’ve been looking for a graduate scheme recently. Success has been limited.

It’s a case of “we’re sorry, we know you were able to get to the Moon by holding your breath and jumping, but you’ve only been Prime Minister twice so that’s a no from us. And anyway you had to go back because you forgot your Nobel Prizes.”

As a result, I’ve been navigating the interview scene about as well as a menstruating seal trying to make it through a shark tank. BUT, I think I’ve managed to pick up a few entirely valid tips which I totally haven’t just made up in order to sabotage your job attempts on the off-chance you ever run against me. And I’ll share them with you now!

First up, the most important skill that interviewers are looking for is delegation. Demonstrate delegation by not showing up to your interview and sending someone else.
When the interview first starts, names are important. If you don’t know your interviewer’s name, feel free to assign them one: Jobbles, for instance, or the Notorious J.O.B. If they ask you if you have any convictions, explain that you believe that all people should have the right to live and work equally, and also that you are not a rapist. This will prevent confusion.

Usually the first question you’ll be asked is “why do you want to join our graduate scheme?” Acceptable answers include “to fulfil the prophecy”, “because I heard you guys were handing out free money” or “because David Cameron told me to, in the secret code based entirely on blinks he uses to talk to me through the TV”.

There will be other questions. These are all designed to catch you out, so stay alert. If someone asks you how you like your tea, the correct answer is “with milk, two sugars and THE DETERMINATION NECESSARY TO ENSURE GREATER PRODUCTIVITY FOR THIS COMPANY”.

Body language is important. Avoid blinking. Blinking is the crutch of the eye. Whenever someone says your name, stare into their eyes while licking your fingers erratically. This will show your hunger for success, and also human fingers, which are both qualities that command attention.

I’ve been navigating the interview scene about as well as a menstruating seal trying to make it through a shark tank

If you are a woman, an additional obstacle for you will be the glass ceiling. Deal with this by yelling “take THAT, glass ceiling!” before punching the nearest piece of glass. If they ask if your hand’s OK, respond “I’m actually in terrible PANE!” Wink several times. Bleed strategically.

Getting into some jobs requires you to rear a puppy from infancy and love it before you’re eventually ordered to snap its neck. This might only apply to being a fictional spy, but pulling this off in your interview will show your commitment to a long-term goal, as well as your upper body strength.

These days, employers are likely to investigate your Facebook. To stay ahead of the game, replace all nouns in your statuses with the word “BUSINESS”. All pictures should be replaced with stock images of people in white dress shirts holding up a spreadsheet and grinning.
If it’s the boss himself interviewing you, that’s great! Remember to dodge the projectiles, before hitting his weakpoint (the glowing spot in the centre of his chest). And if all else fails, remember the unwritten rules of passing a job interview. These are:

Following all these interview steps will make sure you have a long and healthy career in the police, or at least a long and healthy stay inside a police building. And that’s job-hunting solved forever. Next edition: Israel v. Palestine. Who’s right?