The world-famous email column

Issue #206 – “The Glossary, Volume II” – July 9th, 2012

-In 2007, I published a glossary of terms referenced, coined, or popularized during my first decade of writing Ruminations. This September I will celebrate the fifteenth anniversary of Ruminations and write my final column ever, so I thought it would be fitting to look back at the past five years and add some new entries to the glossary. I figure the world needs an updated lexicon to describe our debaucherous behavior. As before, the issue and year in which the term first appeared follows each definition. Enjoy!

-“Acapulco Flu”
When you go on a hard-partying, booze-for-breakfast, no-sleep vacation, then get home and feel totally fine – until all of your hangovers catch up to you approximately one week later and you end up with pneumonia. [#127, 2008]

-“Banana bag”
An IV drip full of fluids and multivitamins given to hospitalized alcoholics, and also a hangover remedy that doctors administer to themselves. I’ve been begging my doctor friends to hook me up with one for years. Possible cure for the Acapulco Flu. [#135, 2008]

-“Brogreement”
When two buddies enter into a serious business arrangment cemented by a high five instead of a contract. [#125, 2008]

-“Brunchervention”
In the summer of 2009, my friend Chi became obsessed with getting hammered at brunch to the point that he refused to go out partying unless the sun was out. Luckily we staged a brunchervention and convinced him that his inability to drink at night was affecting us all. [#153, 2009]

-“Elmo money”
In the mid-‘90s, during the height of the toy’s popularity, my dad worked for the company that made Tickle Me Elmo. I joke that some people have oil money; my family had Elmo money. In fact, we still have some of the original Elmos in our attic. That’s my inheritance. [#141, 2008]

-“Epiculous”
Combination of “epic” and “ridiculous” I coined to describe the ten-day whitewater rafting trip I took in the Grand Canyon in 2010. [#167, 2010]

-“Exuberating”
Combination of “exuberant” and “exhilarating” that some moronic wasted chick I met in a bar used to describe her job. Technically it’s a real word but there’s no fucking way she used it on purpose. [#175, 2010]

-“First class virginity”
What you lose when you fly first class for the first time and realize what you’ve been missing out on your entire life. [#128, 2008]

-“Flabongo”
A beer bong in the shape of a flamingo created to making binge drinking less intimidating for chicks. I consider the genius who created it to be Steve Jobs’ true successor. [#191, 2011]

-“The Fortune Cookie defense”
When a girl texts “in bed” as an excuse not to meet up. She doesn’t want you to join her in bed, she just wants you to leave her alone. [#202, 2012]

-“The Four Sins of Tion” (Tion pronounced Shin)
When I worked on Wall Street, HR sent around a memo specifically outlining the topics that were inappropriate for work email. I called these taboos – intoxication, fornication, masturbation, and defecation – the Four Sins of Tion. [#150, 2009]

-“Generation LOL”
Since the terms Generation X and Generation Y are vague, corporate, and lame, I coined Generation LOL as a more much apt description for the age group that grew up with the Internet. [#137, 2008]

-“Groomsmen Rebellion”
After surviving his brunchervention, Chi got engaged and told the dudes in his wedding party that he wanted us to wear tan suits for the ceremony. Of course, no one has a fucking tan suit or wants to buy one, so a flurry of hateful reply-to-alls ensued. Chi soon capitulated – a victory thereafter known as the Groomsmen Rebellion. [#173, 2010]

-“H.C.I.”
Annoying people who don’t shut the fuck up, yet have no idea how annoying they are or how much you hate them. I call them HCIs – head cock inducers – because while they’re blabbing on and on, I subconsciously cock my head to one side and think to myself: “Is she seriously still talking right now?” [#118, 2007]

-“Herman Miller ass”
An unfortunate consequence of being a high-powered, ambitious woman in New York City: they spend so much in their fancy chairs that eventually their asses just mold to that shape. [#182, 2011]

-“The Karo Rule”
Established when my friend Eric served beer and wine but not hard liquor at his rehearsal dinner to ensure I didn’t get too fucked up and ruin everything. [#191, 2011]

-“Male booty call”
When one of my buddies disappears for a month and then calls me out of the blue in the middle of the afternoon to help him move. [#202, 2012]

-“Mappy”
Combination of “married” and “happy” that represents the mood of most married people: permanently on the spectrum above unhappy but below happy. [#194, 2011]

-“The Moron Vote”
Term I coined during the 2008 presidential election to describe “undecided” voters to whom candidates have to pander. Seriously, if you don’t have enough information to decide who to vote for yet, you’re not undecided, you’re a fucking moron. [#138, 2008]

-“OOO TMI”
Too much information in your out-of-office reply. I don’t give a shit when your baby was born or how your uncle died. Just let me know when you’ll be back so I can get on with my life. [#159, 2009]

-“Pre-cheating”
Sleeping with as many women as possible when you’re single in order to get it out of your system so you don’t cheat when you’re in a relationship. [#194, 2011]

-“R.D.S.”
A very serious condition that affects 100% of the male population: restless dick syndrome. Symptoms include morning wood, mid-afternoon wood, and a general desire to have sex with more than one woman for the rest of your life. [#194, 2011]

-“Relationship public domain”
The unflattering stories about himself that your buddy has voluntarily told his girlfriend. It’s his responsibility to tell you what’s in the relationship public domain before you start reminiscing about your fraternity days in front of her, and accidentally reveal just how much he used to pre-cheat. [#198, 2012]

-“Sylvia Oklahoma Karo”
A chick my buddy Shermdog drunkenly put in his phone in 2006. Her name is Sylvia, she’s from Oklahoma, and they met at my birthday party. Six years later they’re married and he hasn’t changed her contact entry. [#198, 2012]

-“Third-life crisis”
The phenomenom that occurs in your early thirties, roughly halfway between your quarter-life crisis and your mid-life crisis. For the oldest members of Generation LOL, such as myself, this moment is about to occur or already has. It can start in any number of ways: you begin receiving invitations to friends’ baby showers, you discover you’re mappy instead of happy, or you realize your paycheck is just not worth the Herman Miller ass. In a way, the third-life crisis is most devastating because it occurs when you’re still young enough to do whatever the hell you want, but just old enough that people look down on you for it. No one responds to this crisis in the same way: some of us pre-cheat, others regular cheat, and still others retire the email column they’ve been writing for fifteen years. What’s important to remember is that you’re not alone. People dumber than us have navigated their thirties and so shall we. The peaks and valleys along the way are what make life grand – or as undecided voters might call it: “exuberating.” Fuck me. [#175, 2010]