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Sunday, October 7, 2012

locked in a glass trap

Today, the sky is very blue and the sun is bright again. Fall weather for where I live.

And today, I am scared. I'm scared of severe depression as well as scared of getting any closer to it. I'm scared because I feel like I've begun the slide, a slide that I can't stop, into that realm where existing takes an unbelievable amount of energy.

I feel like I am invisibly cut off from the world around me, like it is hard to truly connect with normal reality. Like I'm in a bubble or a locked glass trap while an invisible angry cloud is slowly blowing the keys away, keys I can't reach, but can see slowly floating further and further from me. But on the other side of the invisible wall, the world isn't just normal, it is happy. The sun is bright, the colors beautiful. The people smiling and friendly, only not knowing that I'm in this bubble, so that while they think they are reaching me, they can't, really.

But some people, probably including you, have been on the other side of the bubble, on my side. So they aren't quite as far away. Because they believe me and can immagine my very strange world. Because they have been or are in their own bubble.

This mood makes me want to call my counselor before my actual appointment, something I haven't done in a while. Not because I am physically in danger, but because I want to connect with the other side of the bubble.

Last night, I actually went up to my parents. Part of the drive, I felt disconnected. But I think thinking about it just makes it more pronounced. Then I drove a road that brought back memories of a time when I helped lead music at another church. When I was good at it and didn't feel so much need to hide from it. When I felt connected and valuable and real and in this normal world.

And visiting my family was fun. It used to stress me out, but I really wanted to go last night. I wanted to try to connect with reality. And it worked while I was there.

Part of me thinks that stopping working Thursday afternoon was the straw that broke the camel's back. That it broke the normal that I depend on to tie me to earth. And the anxiety around it didn't help. But if I think back a minute, I'm pretty sure I always struggled with such added "free" time at the beginning (unless it is early in the morning and I sleep through it). So it should get easier. But it is funny how making something better sometimes makes things worse first. Ha, mightn't that most of the treatments for depression and anxiety?

Well, I don't want any self-fulfilling prophecy to get in my way of getting more healthy. So I'll work on remembering... There is a time in the future (here on earth) that will be better. I can't say that with 100% certainty, but I think it is very likely to be true, and the benefits of believing it outweigh the risk of lying.

Thanks, Tina and Elizabeth.I see my counselor for my normal appointment tomorrow. But thanks for the encouragement to go ahead and call her; I might need to do that again sometime, and it can be hard for me to do.