50.Pope
survives just long enough to be acquired by Isiah Thomas for
Stephon Marbury, 2005 #1 pick and cash considerations. "We
feel like we've made ourselves younger and more competitive,"
Thomas says.

49.After
beating for the last time, Pope's heart sits there like a
piece of hamburger.

48.Whole
world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement
of his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling
and praying. Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios,
transfixed. Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.

27.We'll
never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition
of "Come on Eileen."

26.Pope
recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist
Matt Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 10, 2005.

25.LexisNexis
search on phrase "the inner workings of the Vatican are
shrouded in mystery" temporarily crashes system; Eric
Alterman unable to search for press references to "What
Liberal Media?" for 37 consecutive hours.

24.Pope
spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring
at him with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political
necessity of clinging to life.

23.Doctors
examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman,
but also Hitler.

22.Mankind
scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid
institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat
will instantly be celebrated as world's holiest man as he
travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.

21.Telltale
white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) choice
of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues
of Manscape and Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican
lobby.
20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.

19.To
the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.

18.When
he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden,
and his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought
of nothing at all.