Monday, July 16, 2012

Onion Ring Divination

I am
a tarot reader and a pendulum dowser, but I am always on the lookout for new
methods of divination. Here's a fun one:

Every
Monday night I play video games with my friend Mykel, who just turned 70 and
has been gaming for almost SIX YEARS now. We take turns providing dinner, and
since we're guys, our menu consists of nothing but greazy cheeseburgers. And
every so often we screw up - you know how men have trouble communicating - and
BOTH of us show up with stained paper bags and cardboard drink holders. Oops.

So on
this occasion we ate his burgers and I stuck mine in the fridge. Next day I am
having one of the left-over cheeseburgers for lunch. Now Fast Food is aptly
named - it has a half-life shorter than some of the radioactive elements in the
periodic table of elements. And so 12 hours and a night in the fridge had
robbed my Western Bacon Cheeseburger of whatever joy it had been born with.

Blech.
Luckily the bag also contained 147 packets of ketchup. Ketchup! Reagan's
favorite vegetable! The universal solvent, lubrication, and unifier of the
Gods. It may not make good things better, but it can raise the unappetizing to the palatable.

So I
upend my burger and remove it's bottom bun. And there, staring up at me, are
the onion rings. In this case two small ones up top, and one piece of a longer
one on the bottom. Incredible. My lunch contained a secret HAPPY FACE.

Chance?
Serendipity? Bored McWageSlave at the burger joint? Or was it significant? Did
it mean
something? I don't know. But I swear it made it taste better.

Later
in the afternoon I was feeling bored - and a little bloated from lunch. I was
playing with a gadget online that was supposed to show how the Earth looks from
space. (With a handy spreadsheet at the click-ready in case the boss popped
in.)

I was
trying to line up our planet, our moon, and Mercury. As stated previously I am
nobody's techhound, and the thing wasn't working for me. (I'm blaming Mercury going retrograde.) So I decided to do the
really stupid thing and eat the other cheeseburger.

I
grabbed some packets from the Bottomless Well of Eternal Ketchup, flipped the
burger, de-bunned it and there were my onion rings: A large one on the bottom,
a small one upper left, and a teeny onion ring dot upper right. Exactly the
view I was trying to get online. Mercury, Earth and our moon. I was
flabbergasted.

My
co-worker came in and saw me staring at an open cheeseburger with gob-smacked
reverence. "Angus. Angus?"

".....hu-wha-?"

She
smiled and pointed. "Do you see the face of Christ or something?"

And
for just a moment I had no answer.

So I
am declaring burgers with onion rings to be a divination tool. Try it.

Buy my DVD!

About Angus

angusmcmahan@gmail.com

(831) 431-0636

Angus is a carbon-based, bipedal, ape-descended life form who has evolved his thumb-laden hands into two specialties: Writing stuff, and whapping on things in a rhythmical manner.

The rest of his hairy arms are now good at swimming. His legs have been running and pedaling bicycles for decades. And his enormous cranium seems to be engaged mostly in getting sunburned, playing video games, and yelling at the Giants on his TV.