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So, let me begin by saying that my entire family in ______________ (insert far off third world country here) has been captured by Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates (the worst kind of pirates, it's been statistically proven). They are demanding a ransom of thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty-one monetary units, preferably in Turkish centaur zombie horse pirate dollars (the Turkish centaur zombie horse pirate dollar has maintained a strong footing against the Japanese yen thus far). If I cannot muster the required thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty-one monetary units, I have been advised that my next best payment option is several tons of carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. However, it is of vital importance that all ransom payments tendered in food be made with orange food only, hence the several tons of carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. But alas, here is my problem, and the reason I have contacted you, a stranger whom I have never met before, in hope that can help me. I do not have the necessary funds for outright payment of the ransom. I do have the funds to procure the several tons of orange food such as carrots, yams and perhaps a few tasty turnips. But again, I am at an impasse, which is why I have selected you, a stranger whom I have never met before, who likely has little or no motivation to help me, as the sole mechanism towards the rescue of my kidnapped family. My country _______________ (insert far off third world country here) has long suffered from a strict embargo on any and all orange goods (yes, even Nerf footballs and Kraft mac and cheese - and although both are delicious neither is an acceptable ransom substitute). Strangely orange goods are the only goods effected by the embargo. It is weird, that I do realize, but that is how we roll here in ______________ (insert far off third world country here). Anyways this is where you come in, I thank you for your patience until this point. It has come to my knowledge that your country does not suffer from a crippling orange goods embargo. Perhaps you could help me. Simply put I would like to transfer the thirty-two-million, three-hundred-seventy-six thousand, and eight-hundred and sixty monetary units needed to procure the ransom substitute into your bank account and you can affect the purchase and transfer of the ransom substitute in my stead, as I am unfortunately unable to do so on my own.
All that is required to affect the transfer are these twelve simple items:
1. Your bank account number
2. Divers license number and expiration date
3. Address and telephone number
4. Waist size
5. Inseam
6. Social security number
7. Location of any valuables you may posses
8. Location of any valuables you intend to posses over the next six months *
9. Location of any valuables your neighbors posses or intend to posses over the next six months
10. A photo copy of your passport and birth certificate
11. A large to medium size trampoline (unfortunately any trampoline under 60" dia. is unacceptable, and the transfer will not clear)
12. ...and the pin number for the debit card attached to said bank account as stated in item #1.
*IMPORTANT, do not forget to fill this out.
I am confident that you, a stranger whom I have never met before, who likely has little or no motivation to help me, whom I selected randomly from among a potential sea of candidates likely numbering in the billions, you, you are the best (and only, I assure you) vessel in which to place my trust for such a potentially life-altering series of seemingly unlikely but albeit very completely true events. Now go random stranger, save my family. Best Regards,
-Steve Steverton

Though some of you might enjoy this. Happy new year. Sorry if I've offended any Turkish centaur zombie horse pirates here on CPF. I know it's a growing movement.