1.26.2011

inner passion. truth. i am filled with those things right now. this is a time for a deep let-go. breathing it all in, letting the feelings flood me, my heart bursts open like an orange, juicy and ripe. free. wet and fragrant. god, the feeling of falling in love, over and over again. all i can do is open to it all. i give up trying to control my life and what comes into it, and how and when. none of it is anything i can control. my job is to be me, that's it. be true and authentic inside. does that mean that i will be perfect? hell no. does it mean that i will do the right thing or make the right choices or even not do something that may hurt others? no. i do my best to walk the line, to stay on the side that won't hurt any one else. i do my best to shine love, because in my soul, that is who i am, what i want to be and do. but inside, that core of my being, i have to be true to that - i have to let go of what anyone else wants or thinks. i think of that movie The Notebook, at the end where he asks her "forget what he wants. forget what i want. forget what your parents want. what do YOU want?" he looks at her, his heart open and raw and wanting. but he loves her more than forcing her to stay with him. he loves her enough to let her go and tells her so, if it is what is going to make her happy. "what do you WANT?" he says again, looking in her eyes. and my heart chokes then, every time. because that's IT, right there. what is it that we want? are we ever really brave enough to go there? to feel it? to let go of every.single.other.thing, and not give a crap what anyone else thinks or wants?

right now, i want to be that brave. i want to allow it all in, all of the feelings, all of me - not perfect, a swirling balance of both good & bad, light & dark - all of me. and i want to share it with you. that is what i want.

1.18.2011

I am in love with my journals & my pens. In just letting go and writing and creating. I am sloppy, and neat. childlike, with wisdom. old and new, dark and light. I shine there. I open myself completely. I have always felt source flow through me when I hold a pen in my hand. It is my magic wand. I can not help but open my soul and let it splash onto the paper. Or with a paintbrush to canvas. I wish I had the same talent here, in this little white box as my fingers move over the keyboard seemingly without thinking.

I lost something today. Something that was never mine. Something secret, something playful. I let it go yesterday, knowing this was going to happen. Convincing myself it would be easier to close myself off.

Dammit. I am so tired of closing myself off. I want to stop putting up that wall, the one i can physically feel - it's protection, it's prophylactic, it's my intuition working overtime, telling me it's time to shut off. I'm over it. I'm over closing, I'm open to raw and real. Authentic and true. Even though it aches in ways I am not ready for. The love that flows from my open heart comes in many ways - pain, tears, anger. But they are true. Still wrapped in love because they are not closed off and neatly wrapped in perfection that doesn't even exist.

I know this probably makes no sense at all. I know it only flows from my gut in words that only my heart can translate. But I know, I KNOW. I know you feel me whether you understand or not, because I am open and feeling & sharing from within.

1.16.2011

Being alive, being human. feeling it all. Reveling in the FULL spectrum... it's all so simple ~ it's like the thing we are trying to achieve spiritually is already built right in to the life process, in being human. the joy, the pain, the tears, the laughter.

It's balance, harmony in everything: Love AND Fear - they can live as one. When my adrenaline kicks in, and I am super scared, THAT is when everything is aligned completely - mind, body, spirit: working as one, naturally. We do it naturally! And the knowing - the TRUST - that everything is going just exactly as it should, is the safety net. It makes it totally okay to feel everything and anything. Sex love passion joy anger fear :: we came with these feelings & emotions for a reason, we came to live them fully.

Who I Am - what *I* love, it's all me, my choices, unique & perfect - and yet, entangled with all that is. The 2 become 1.

It's fucking GOOD to be alive & FEEL everything! And to allow everyone else to live their life the way they want to. I feel super tapped in, childlike, playful. Open to everything, seeing it all as a playground.

Beauty in everything. EVERYthing. Inexplicable pure glorious beauty. Alive in our bodies, the perfect energy conductor, i love it so much. We are creating through them, feeling everything completely - I am taking chances, giving love, fighting for things I believe in, being as fully ME as I possibly can be, making choices - good ones, bad ones & it's all OKAY. It's ALL good: darklight inout malefemale : Home.

1.13.2011

what is it with life? always throwing you curveballs? just when you start to get comfy *wham*.

there's something different now, though. things really have shifted in my life. lately, the *wham* is something i utterly and totally believe in with all my heart. like it's here for a reason, and it holds these gifts deep inside of it, and if i'm patient and stay true in my feelings, i will see them. i will see them and hold them and they will become a part of me that sticks.

2011 has been full so far, already. and i know i have asked for these little curveballs. i know when i say outloud to the universe "i'm ready!" at the top of my lungs, that its listening. and i'm just now figuring out that not only is it listening, but its smiling like a cheshire cat as well ;)

what i know deep inside is that it's all about love. i am learning love in new ways. unconditional ways, and super-charged-feeling ways, and across time & space ways. unsegregated ways. there's really no box you can put it in. it's showing me so clearly that the energy of the heart is a force to be reckoned with.

and this trust thing i keep talking about. i wish i could box it and share that with everyone. because that is the key to everything in life. we spend so much time pushing it away, worrying, fretting, fearing, gossiping, getting caught up in hairballs of drama when if you just go back to the beginning, the childlike ease, and TRUST things just work out. and let me be clear here - that doesn't in any way stop the curveballs or the *wham*. those come with the territory, it seems, but you have a choice: look at them and trust that they are coming at you for a reason, or run for your freaking life in fear. and wash, rinse, repeat: create more of the same. believe me, i've done my share of both. but door number one works best for me, since i've been choosing it consistently for a while now. thank god i caught the clue.

1.06.2011

Spilling over; everything right now is spilling over. I am letting in whatever comes to me, and that is such a serene way to live. I am blessed and grateful and just plain FULL. The people and books and music and things that are seeping into my life are just exactly perfect. I am trying to see that as its happening, in its here and now. I am trying to let go of expectation, control, need or want (it was kinda hard for me to write those last 2 for some reason, hmm), and just live in what is, this moment, this space, this big fat pulsating question mark. I hold it in my arms, but it is big, and so instead, I breathe it in. Deeply into my heart, and *bam* that spark begins to glow in there, the one I am feeling so often now, so clearly. Can you feel it? It's my heart talking to yours. Open, free. Wild as hell. Childlike wonder mixed with aged wisdom; balance of the paradoxes inside of me.

This? This is the year where love wins. Watch and see. It's spilling over onto everything, seeping in our pores, begging to drip out. We didn't come here to push out the mind or forgo the body and only live in the heart. We came with all of them aligned and in tune, we simply need to remember it. We didn't come here to be calm and meditate, we came to fucking live, baby. Live out loud. Shine our lights, who we are. And give that authenticity to the world. Sharing what is truly inside of us IS living. Relationships are key here in this earth school. Our hearts beat in tune. One. Can you hear it?

2011 = synchronicity. It's all about the yin & yang. The push & pull. The marriage of things you'd never imagine could swim together in harmony, but when you mix them, you see that they make a pattern of beauty unlike any you've ever seen.

1.04.2011

In Zen you are coming from nowhere and you are going to nowhere.You are just now, here, neither coming nor going.Everything passes by you; your consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.When a lion roars in front of a mirror, do you think the mirror roars?Or when the lion is gone and a child comes dancing, the mirror completely forgets about the lion and starts dancing with the child--do you think the mirror dances with the child?The mirror does nothing, it simply reflects.Your consciousness is only a mirror. Neither do you come, nor do you go. Things come and go. You become young, you become old; you are alive, you are dead. All these states are simply reflections in an eternal pool of consciousness.{OshoOsho Live Zen Tarot, Volume, 2 Chapter 16}

Commentary:This card depicts the evolution of consciousness as it is described by Friedrich Nietzsche in his book, Thus Spake Zarathustra. He speaks of the three levels:Camel, Lion and Child. :: The camel is sleepy, dull, self-satisfied. He lives in delusion, thinking he's a mountain peak, but really he is so concerned with others' opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own.:: Emerging from the camel is the lion. When we realize we've been missing life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth. But this is not the end.:: Finally the child emerges, neither acquiescent nor rebellious, but innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being.♥Whatever the space you're in right now--sleepy and depressed, or roaring and rebellious--be aware that it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.***re-birth. i am ready.love