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Experts Say Vast Deserts, Absence Of Life, May Indicate Mars Was Once Run By Conservatives

An ancient Martian city has been discovered, full of flat screen TVs, frozen food emporiums, and straws.

In a recent revelation, published in the respectably obscure scientific journalKnock Knock Who’s There Science Science Who Too Late, a team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.

Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.

“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.”

Dr. Philemin goes on to say that one of the most striking discoveries the team made was that Martian governments – which, unlike Earth’s, followed a quasi-democratic model that disproportionately favoured telling lies, telling sweet little lies – seemed largely unwilling, or unable, to tackle any and all problems with a time frame greater than four Mars’ years. Coincidentally the length of time between most elections on the now lifeless planet.

“Weird, huh?” says Dr. Philemin, staring expressionlessly out of the window of his office, at a highway packed with traffic, weaving around the port of Miami (where the U of A maintains a remote campus) – in which enormous ships sat waiting to bring untold tonnes of plastic crap to the shores of a place that produces plenty of the stuff itself. And other vessels stood by, ready to take mostly obese passengers to new locales in which to stuff their faces. And buy more plastic shite.

“We even discovered an ancient script, quoting what seems to have been one of the last Martian leaders. A spectacularly short-sighted individual whose name time has erased, this character memorably claimed that the warnings of his leading scientists – who told him that their planet was destined to become a dust factory – were a hoax. Because they had an agenda. Which appears to have been wanting to avoid extinction.”

The researchers are quick to admit there is little practical application for their work.

“As a planet that appears to have once been home to approximately 7 billion inhabitants, that was drained of its resources so that a few of them could build yachts to sail on the red seas, while the rest of them used discount airlines to scour their globe for meaning and wistfully elected governments who promised the end wasn’t nigh – when in fact it was half-past – there really aren’t any ready comparisons to be made. Certainly not in this solar system.”

But, he adds, if any earthlings should feel the need to raise their gaze from the trough of fossil fuels, here on the endlessly resilient paradise we call Earth, the uninterestingly irrelevant study can be read in its entirety at This Probably Doesn’t Affect Us.

Oooh, yes, they are. Nowadays conservative indicates a three-way relationship between the profoundly fucking stupid, a collection of cunning predatory opportunists and the super rich psychopaths that fund them – no part of of that relationship includes the cautious, fiscally responsible and mindful approach to the political realm that it used to.

Bob Joyce, I unfortunately AGREE with you.
Conservatism has become about enhancing police and corporate powers.
Dismantling the public sector functions or handing them over private companies with a Market based approach. Private profiteering with zero accountability.

In all fairness, Rebuplicans – in the US – are the political beasts while conservatives are the philosophical beast with many variants, including those who simply believe in fiscal prudence, somewhat contradictory to the premise of the blog story. I am neither but feel it is only right to differentiate for the purpose of clarity and honesty.

The British Conservative party is dominated by liberals: Heath, Major, Cameron, Osborne, May, Hammond. These are not Tories. Mogg is a Tory. Johnson is just about a Tory. Margaret Thatcher had more in common with 1860s utilitarian Liberals than she did with Toryism. The idea that they are ‘right wing’ is laughable. There is no right wing in the UK. Labour is Marxist and financially incompetent and irresponsible, and proud of it, and always wrecks the economy, and society; the Liberals are left-wing and also irresponsible, but never win on their own thank God; The Tories are mildly economically sensible, for which they are pilloried. God help us.

Tony Blair was definitely not a Marxist. He was an out and out swine.
I know Jeremy Corbin is accused of being a Marxist but to me he is just being a true left-winger and therefore creates a true opposition to the *$~#=;% right wing Conservatives.
When we go to the polls to vote we will know exactly who we are voting for.

There are no liberal or progressive Republicans.
There are no moderate Republicans.
All Republicans are Right, alt-Right, Fascist, Nazi, White Nationalist/Supremacists, or Loonie-Tunes White Domestic Terrorists.

This has only been the case since about 1980. Prior to that there were liberal Republicans (e.g., John Chafee-RI,John Lindsay-NY) and conservative Democrats (e.g., Sam Nunn-GA). Reaganomics changed how legislators aligned politically and ideologically, as the entire political spectrum was dragged far to the right. Only recently do we see elected officials who offer progressive/leftist alternatives to centrist Democrats.

There are no genuine “Republicans” anymore. The Party of Lincoln and of Dwight D, Eisenhauer who warned America about the Military-Industrial Complex is simply no more. All we have now is Conservatards living against life itself posing as Republicans.

Bob, the Canadian Conservatives, or cons, as they are more commonly known, want to be republicans. They love Trump and what he is doing to America and every insane move he makes. The cons are reprehensible slugs, look at what the Australian cons have done. Watch what is going to happen in Alberta this summer when the wildfires start in Alberta and Kenney the Clown fired all the elite firefighters.

You have a good point….There’s absolutely no need in denigrating a philosophy believing in the conservation of all things necessary for life to exist at all. Republicans can glom onto this belief system all they want. The real proof is in the pudding and the Republican “pudding” tastes worse than the shit from a baby in the full on throes of a yellow watery projectile diarrhea attack. That’s a stink everyone knows and tries to avoid at all cost.

This is some peak liberals hubris here…
You guys think liberals do *anything* about climate change? What kind of cretins are you?
Still fundamentally clueless about Capitalism. Even your metaphors suck. “the rest in discount airlines”, do you understand that most of mankind never got into a plane to begin with, and that your ability to fly cheaply is a tremendous privilege in itself and an epic waste of resources too, which only aims to entertain your petty tourism fancy?
Jaysas, for crying out loud.

Z! You came so close to getting one of the points. Have a reread. Also, fun fact: capitalism doesn’t get a capital. Weird huh? Things can be hard. But it’s ok. We all have (checks notes) about 12 years to improve ourselves before it’s too late.

Well, he’s not wrong really. What has *anyone* actually done, except faff around the edges with a bit of greenwashing.

Let’s face it, whatever your political affiliation, humanity is stuffed if it doesn’t take urgent action… and that probably involves kicking capitalism into the long grass for a change.

We need planned economies that have environmental concerns at their heart, strong global governance with effective reactive enforcement, population controls, the dumping of fossil fuels, and the curbing of unnecessary consumption.

Sounds scary, but the alternative is scarier. And anything else at this stage is just pissing into the wind.

Love your comments. I think i would like to vote for you in a new world of politics. A politician of the world unfettered by countries. That is the only way that we can survive. So i nominate you to be the ‘Over Lord’ of the world. Perhaps we can find more disciples..
PS Lord as in male and female so we need another title?

oh oh oh old bean! pardon while I greenwash my armpits. when you exhort us to ‘kick capitalism to the long grass’ you reveal your confidence that you’ll be able to enslave the particularly talented who create wealth piles.

this ‘capitalism’ you invoke is nothing but a word for the natural barter state of nature. until you can figure out how to enslave the mind, you’ll remain a low-grade Al Capone. upon what grounds do you advocate for enslavement of humanity, you silly non?

Government creates money, not “the particularly talented” who, in the UK now seem more interested in accruing more wealth than doing anything useful for the rest of us. There’s nothing remotely natural about capitalism and its neoliberal incarnation which is currently destroying our National Health Service.

You want to be the”population” THEY “control”?!? Not me, thank you. And get this, why was it SO cold during the emerging industrial age, when everyone, from the largest factory to a bum under a bridge, burned coal, and had been burning wood for like 5,000 years before that? Talk about greenhouse gasses!! Ice Ages come and go with NO people on this earth! What did some petty god do? Fart? Drop an ice cube? No, it’s natural and there ain’t shite we can do about it! Chew on that for awhile, ‘k?

We had about 10 to 12 years in 1990, and a little progress is made so by 2000 and we still had about 10 years and by 2010 we had about five years. Now it is too late to prevent the ravages of global warming and climate change. It is not too late however, to begin making decisions that can help us live with the consequences which will continue to multiply over the next 200 years. We need to be re-adjusting our coastal cities To handle in evitable sea level rise. We need to be taking into consideration vast areas of drought and flooding which will cause this placement of tens of millions of people and provide the kinds of pressures that will increase wars and terrorism. The military already knows these things and is making plans, but the political arena is deaf dumb and blind

We had about 10 to 12 years in 1990, and a little progress is made so by 2000 and we still had about 10 years and by 2010 we had about five years. Now it is too late to prevent the ravages of global warming and climate change. It is not too late however, to begin making decisions that can help us live with the consequences which will continue to multiply over the next 200 years. We need to be re-adjusting our coastal cities To handle in evitable sea level rise. We need to be taking into consideration vast areas of drought and flooding which will cause this placement of tens of millions of people and provide the kinds of pressures that will increase wars and terrorism. The military already knows these things and is making plans, but the political arena is deaf dumb and blind

Z… you speak the truth, but only because conservatives keep blocking and destroying every environmental legislature in creation.
A republican created the National Park system with the intention of preserving our natural spaces–too bad the future Repugs see no value in preserving anything but their dividends.
We shall be like Mars soon if the likes of Trump continue to destroy America and all her precious resources.
Democrats, the lesser of the two evils, care about the environment and are responsible for the Audubon Society amongst other “socialist” environmental organization.
You’re pretty dumb, when you get right down to it…. but I’ll look forward to BOTH American parties dying a quick and painful death…

Er – a democrat created the national Park Service – granted many republicans were instrumental in protecting various areas, although seeing as it was only Republicans in power for most of the period when the culture was moving towards protecting areas from being over-run by settlers, this is not surprising.
IF you are talking about Teddy Roosevelt, then he created the National Forrest Service, which was always deemed to be a capitalist enterprise – which preserved logging, but in a way that was sustainable. He did other things to preserve natural beauty in the USA, but he was also an avid hunter – not really a good balance.
That being said, I agree with your overall sentiment about Republiecans

Z: Ya know, I was on Wall Street for over 30 years as an independent trader and I’m pretty fuckin’ familiar with “C”apitalism and I can only conclude that you’re pretty much a pseudo-intellectual dumbshit punk who a) thinks he knows his ass from his daddy’s joystick and 2) knows about capitalism just about as much as some freshman-economics teacher shoved down his throat, and 3) hasn’t a fucking clue how anything works in the real world ie. NOT your mama’s basement. By the way, you get an “A” for big words that impress your high school trailer trash girlfriend. No one else, unfortunately, is all that impressed. Now get back to your internet porn and Dorito’s or Nintendo or sniffing glue or whatever the hell it is that chubby, limp-dicked, pathetic, internet-trolling losers do with their time nowadays and leave the discussions on capitalism, and satire, for that matter, to those of us who actually have some semblance of use and purpose on this earth.

There is no need for this kind of personal attack, arsehole. Why not come up with some cogent arguments to defend or reinforce your position? Insulting those with differing viewpoints doesn’t mean you win.

Liberals helped draft the Paris Accords, which is little enough, but the Orange Chitstain pulled out of because Obama.
Liberals supported the 50mpg fuel economy standards (little enough), but Drumpfencrook pulled out of, because Obama.
Liberals supported clean air standards, which Drumpfencultists oppose, because Obama.
Liberals have supported all climate change measures, but Orange Terd opposes them. Because Obama.

For arguments sake lets say youre right that liberals dont do anything about climate change…. But one thing that liberals have at least managed to do was acknowledge that it exists and for the most part have a willingness to enact problem solbing solutions. Unfortunately and unbelievably conservatives still havent even recognized it as existing let alone it being an issue. As long as there are still idiots who will walk onto the senate floor with a snowball in their hand that they are using as a prop to prove that global warming is a hoax because theres snow on the ground then there really isnt much chance of any real and effective change going to take place…

Joking aside if they want to terraform mars or visit or colonize. They should strategically putreflective material on phobos. Cover in several a centrifical artificial g spaceship inside a near earth asteroids with a big crater. Cover up inside crater with debris from asteroid. Leaving thrusters and access tubes. With wired solar panels around asteroid. That way astronauts wont lose bone density or be harmed by bad space radiation. Be able to resupply them on a regular basis and long time use.

True. Has problems holding onto water for the same reason. Mars’ core no longer generates a magnetic field to prevent the solar wind from sweeping lighter molecules and gasses away.

Actually, Earth is not destined to become Mars, but Venus, which has greenhouse gases in catastrophic quantities, making the surface too hot and too acidic to allow anything approaching a human-survivable biosphere. It’s a funny article, though.

Enough with the “isms”. It’s “isms” that caused all this. No system works completely, no system works all the time, no system works for everyone. I think we’d be lucky to get 50% success from any aspect of any system. We need to be flexible and accommodating instead of rigid and confrontational or we shall all perish.

You could’ve been a liberal planet as well and they put a woman president man oh guess what All the lies and promises that they couldn’t hold tore of the planet apart people went angry for what she did Then they went to kill the president and her blood was poisoned and killed everybody and made the planet turn red

In 2006, NASA speculated that Mars had been destroyed by methane hydrate. A good deal of its crust was missing they speculated. Last year they found a substance in a crater, which is not found naturally on earth but that on earth is used in oil exploration. I think Mars once had oil men too.

As Emeritus Professor of Scientific Scatology at Brigadoon University, we are currently studying your articles and to put it as nicely as we can something doesnt smell quite right. If you have any scatological evidence, other then that which is written here we will be glad to sift thru and give our own scatological weight to your research. Thou we will need an address an some clingfilm.
Good luck with Uranus.

I do not agree with two details in this article. 1. We are more than 7 Bilion inhabitants on this planet. There are 10 times this amount of animals that we breed (plus the remaining wildlife that is left surviving our environmental impact on earth which is their planet too.) And here we come to no 2. Fossil fuels are not the main cause of Climate change and all the other environmental problems we deal with today. It’s number 1. We breed, torture and kill over 70 Billion land animals that take up all our resources and the consequences are killing our planet in all possible ways. Think about drought, the destruction of our rainforests (91% of the disappearance is caused by the animal agriculture) the dying of our oceans, worldhunger, mass extinction of wildlife, climate change (mainly caused by the methane, which has 25 times more impact in the heating of our climate than Co2). If the martians where vegan, I am sure they would have still existed. But maybe the martians where a small species that started breeding humans that needed a lot of food and water and space, but I am sure we made a hell of a snack.

I’m not a scientist, nor particularly bothered about political leanings. But it seems to me that this is just more of the same “this is your fault bullshit”. The left blames the right, the conservatives blame the liberals, Trump blames the Mexicans blah blah. No one is going to fix anything and the planet will indeed cease to support life in any great volume for a long time. Which I am totally fine with.

Blog replies are not the place to save the planet. In Montreal we started an initiative called the zero waste festival where you can learn how to daily reduce the waste you produce and the energy you consume. If you are interested, similar initiative exist in the US. Without being moralistic, or strongly pressuring anybody in here, if each one of us here preocupied about the earth and the environnement simply, this morning, use a non disposable cup for our coffee, check google map for a store selling in bulk for eggs, milk in our neibourhood, or if we go for vegetables/fruits not saran wraped to a styrofoam plate in our grocery later or eve, if we simply take time to recycle or compost in a proper manner, we will have done something today more than just using electicity to complain sarcasticaly. ; )

Reblogged this on Blog Follower and commented:
Gavin Menzies book, 1421 tells the tale of the Chinese Treasure fleets of the same date. When these fleets returned home they expected fanfare, a hero welcome. The politics had changed, the Mandarins were now in charge and burned their maps, destroyed their statues, killed the animals they had brought from afar and left their giant fleets at anchor until they rotted and sunk. (a thousand ships).
I call the Mandarins the first Conservatives on earth.

Well put John. It seems history is rife with examples of new, and compelling, information being actively suppressed. In many ways I think our survival this far has been largely because our self-imposed ignorance in those cases only affected ourselves. Now, with the scale of our actions having grown to impact our environment, we’re facing consequences in proportion to that, if we willfully ignore the evidence.

Fun fantasy. There’s a lot of about because the progressive aberration has been at least temporarily halted. From dystopian movies to stand-up mockery, the liberal mind is creating doom-laden scenarios to express its angst that the other half of the population has not shrivelled up and died, leaving the field to SNL and laissez-faire.

Take a look around. The apocalypse has not happened and people are finding jobs. It must really upset the prophets of doom.

Face it: Obama was a poster-boy for weak wishful thinking and he achieved almost nothing except to encourage our enemies.

One good thing he did was end Hillary’s hopes to get Wild Bill back in the WH but, looking at Libya and Iran, Obama was a disaster who cost thousands of lives. Now we have a President who is very able and willing to stand up to international thugs.

The Dems are trying every twist, lie and legal attack to defeat democracy. Ironic.

Reblogged this on A Black Writer in Berlin and commented:
I hope to be back to posting articles within a week or so. Right now I’ dealing with the aftermath of an eviction. That, in itself, demands some consideration in an essay.

The Planet is red, dry and desolate because they didn’t heed the advice and warnings of the GREENS! Their leaders were obviously not Little Green Men! …. Even worse is situation on Venus, often described as Earth’s ‘evil twin’. They didn’t heed the Greens’ advice either; excess levels of CO2 led to a runaway ‘Greenhouse effect’, so one landing on its surface would in the words of the late great Sir Patrick Moore, be ‘simultaneously, corroded, baked and crushed’. Enjoy the rest of this exceptionally warm April day!

What a bunch of clowns you guys are! I am glad this forum gives you a place to sound off against conservatives. Just promote the hate! I thought some of you liberals were reasonable. Obviously not on this forum. Let’s just spew more hate! That should help!!!