Cheerful Despair

Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair.
Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com
David Candy is approximately the other half of Cheerful Despair, learn nothing about him at his youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/friendlyals

"I don't know how they got into the air ducts, I just want them out. And don't let Jerry screw you around about how he warned us to put the fine mesh otterwire over the vents because otters are skinnier than they used to be. I don't care. I just want them gone."

This week on Cheerful Despair:

Lies about Leith - a place you've probably never been, and if you rely on the signs, you will never get to

The Ultimate Otters Quiz???

The longest Debate Bag we have ever had

Speculation about the D&D stats for the God of Abraham

David Candy meets the local The Batman for Leith - I bet you thought that wasn't going to be mentioned again, but it was. It's a callback! It's right there, a lesser spotted callback!

Chow down! - On our secret recipe for beans on toast (The second ingredient will shock you!)

Hook up! - With Edinburgh’s sleaziest billboard lion

Blast off! - To a whole new world of cancer, chemical toilets and floating liver aboard the USS Summer Holiday

plus

Tune in! - To the olympiad of automaton combat that’s setting wirelesses aglow across the Empire and Dominions

Now of course it’s entirely up to you, but we've been talking and it really feels like the polite thing for you to do would be to rate us on iTunes. In fact you could follow us on twitter @podcastname and like us on Facebook @CheerfulDespairPodcast too. But remember this is your decision. There’s no pressure.

Season two of my favourite podcast comes to an end in typical style with a flurry of racism, and a battery of insults directed at anonymous/famous man Chet Hanks. Join us in wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

It can't be miserable optimism - so it must be Cheerful Despair! #NotMyTagLine

(Episode recorded in July 2016, before Earth's last reserves of hope were depleted).

Cheerful Despair, that pod-cast you forgot you subscribed to, returns. It's honestly better just to listen and not make a scene. We'll just leave a small tip and not eat here again.

This time:

Have your sandwiches been Phil-ed?

Wow! In a new segment, we meet John, an extraordinary individual.

Also! David F. Porteous (who was educated by the state) is taught how to pass the port.

Plus! We invent a new trendy artisan snack for hipsters, then foolishly share the idea with the internet. (Do not steal our genuinely quite good snack idea for which we have no legal protection. Thanks.)

With profuse apologies for the failure to keep our promises for weekly uploading - even though we specifically say in this episode that this is a thing which is happening - here is a bumper episode to make up for it.

Featuring regular segments Debate Bag and Cross Quiz, plus:

The former artist currently known as Prince - better or worse than your mum?

David Candy's obsession with the past

You're Pavloving yourself

The Power of Greyskull is self-confidence

He's got a pint of whole milk down his trousers

Sincere requests for you to send pictures of humus to @dfpiii. Please send pictures of humus. Do not send actual humus. We cannot stress this enough - do not send actual humus.

Hurtling straight at your ears like a bullet from a golden gun (which, presumably is either less dangerous or certainly no more dangerous than a bullet from a gun made of another metal) it's the Cheerful Despair Podcast!

In the first episode of our magnificent second series you can expect to hear:

Donald Trump's views on crimes committed by fictional characters played by the actor Tom Hanks;

Time travel and racism;

David Candy's favourite colour - you'll have to listen to find out, but it's shocking. You will be shocked by this one colour-liking fact;

and all the usual schtick including Cross Quiz and Debate Bag.

An innovation for this series: this episode is being broadcast before we record episode two. If you have a theme you'd like us to discuss or a question you want us to answer, please submit them on twitter to @dfpiii

Join two men on the right side of middle age and the wrong side of clinical obesity as they talk about basically nothing. Be disturbed by their absurd views and alarmed by how much you agree with them. For thirty minutes anything goes - this is cheerful despair.

Scottish author David F Porteous is approximately one half of Cheerful Despair, find out more about him at his website http://www.dfpiii.com