A BLISTERING BROADSIDE AT THE BRITISH WEATHER

Looking for advice on the latest in practical and voguish neckwear? Roberto Mancini is your man. Looking for tips on how to set off fireworks without setting your house ablaze and overcoming grass allergies that manifest themselves with baffling infrequency? Mancini can hook you up with someone in the know. Looking for the hottest ticket in town for a match featuring a team managed by Mancini? Sorry, Mancini can't help, even if you are a good pal. We know this because of the vantage point of the chum that Mancini invoked when expressing his incredulity at Mark Clattenburg's refusal to award a penalty after David Silva went down following a mis-timed tackle by Jose Bosingwa at Stamford Bridge last night. "There was a friend of mine outside the stadium who saw the penalty but the referee didn't," gasped Mancini. "Maybe because it rained a lot," added the Italian in a blistering broadside at the British weather.

Yes, Bosingwa's leg was flailing clumsily in the vicinity of Silva, and the new oracle of punditry, Gary Neville, declared that it definitely caught the Spaniard's knee. But the Fiver was watching the match through a beery fug and several fat heads down the Quaff and Barf, and even after several replays and refills we couldn't assert categorically that Bosingwa made contact. And we certainly couldn't go so far as to say that decision was definitely the reason that City lost in the league for the first time this season. We'd suggest that had more to do with yet more slovenly defending, Mancini's decision to take off all his attacking players just before Chelsea took the lead and, of course, the loyalty and lionhearted rectitude of Frank of Lampard, who, by the way assorted admirers in the media are going on, is the only player in the world who could have converted a spot-kick last night. "It's easy to stand aside and let someone else take it but I wanted to win for the team," boomed Lampard, whose goal came after a splendid strike by Raul Meireles, the man who was again chosen to start ahead of Lampard.

"I've been in a good run of form and now I've not been playing – I haven't spoken [to Andre Villas-Boas] so I don't know [why]," explained Lampard. Well, the Fiver is no confidant of Villas-Boas but it fancies it knows why. Lampard himself might be able to hazard a guess if he consulted DVDs of Chelsea matches before he was dropped. He would note, no doubt, that his passing and shooting are still as accurate as ever when he's on the ball and may also note that getting him on the ball seems to be increasingly difficult due to declining dynamism that makes him something of a passenger, albeit one who can still influence games in cameos.

"This was a very good win for the players," hurrahed Villa-Boas, whose reinvention of Chelsea is taking effect. The Portuguese's task, surely, is to keep within touching distance of the likes of City until January, when he can further his overhaul of the team with extensive trading and hope they all gel in time to overtake the City bandwagon.

"Seven points in this Premier League title is nothing, many games will continue to happen, and we believe in our title challenge. But for our title challenge to continue to be alive we will have to continue to be competent. We have to continue to perform. But the talent of this team is not in question." Nor is the fact that the manager is doing as good a job as anyone could at Chelsea at the moment.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"He has the experience to remain calm, even when he's not playing" – Juan Mata damns Frank Lampard with the faintest of praise.

FIVER LETTERS

"Nottingham Forest are on a terrible losing/goalless streak at the moment but there is a pattern developing: the last four fixtures and results: Lost 1-0 v The Bluebirds, Lost 4-0 v The Peacocks, Lost 1-0 v The Seagulls, Lost 1-0 v The Eagles. Next up: The Robins" – Brendan Mackinney (with thanks to Richard Hallam).

"Having being confused to billyoh by your Chelsea/Man City comparisons, there's a case to be made for football comparison sites for folk new to the game. Want to know which talent-challenged stopper to watch? Comparethemarker.com. Who was the most ineffectual Liverpool striker in recent years? Ngogcompare" – Marc Sinfield.

"Translating that Owen Coyle quote into non-managerial English gives one something like the following: 'I ain't quitting no matter how dire it gets. They're going to have to propel me and a large lump of severance quidage off the premises …' Pleased to be of service" – Don "Gorgon" Callum.

Re: yesterday's last line. Why, oh why did you do it Fiver? While in England the world's most tea-timely email may be delivered at 5ish, it is certainly not the case in Atlantic Canada, where it comes at lunchtime. You've ruined my delicious west African peanut soup and accompanying Caesar salad and garlic bread. I hate you!" – Michael Perry.

BITS AND BOBS

"I died a thousand deaths" – the verdict of Greuther Fuerth midfielder Edgar Prib after his spectacular miss at Eintracht Frankurt in Germany's second division on Monday. "I could have decided that game but instead the god of football did not want it that way," he added, clearly not realising the god of football only intervenes in England v Argentina matches.

Manchester United's woes continue: midfielder Darren Fletcher is to take an extended break from football due to ulcerative colitis, otherwise known as chronic inflammatory bowel knack.

After suggesting Nigel Worthington made Northern Ireland worse during his spell in charge, Lawrie Sanchez's thinly veiled come-and-get-me plea has backfired and he has been forced to rule himself out of the running for the job. "The fuss caused by that interview has made it inappropriate for me to apply at this time," he sniffed.

Former Sweden midfielder Pelle Blohm, who played in China in the mid-90s, has offered Nicolas Anelka some advice on Chinese fans ahead of the Chelsea striker's move to Shanghai Shenhua: "They'll often laugh if someone gets a ball in the face – they're ashamed for that player because he loses face, but they laugh at the situation," he said.

Zat Knight believes Owen Coyle's efforts to persuade Bolton to play actual football have gone far enough. "We need to get back to the nitty-gritty and be horrible, hard-to-beat Bolton," he hoofed.

Jay Spearing interview + LFC magazine = "It has always been my dream to play week in, week out so it's up to me to prove to the manager on a daily basis [except on days when Liverpool are away at Fulham? – Fiver Ed] that when the transfer window does open and he has money at his disposal that he can look at a position like mine and think: 'There's no need to sign anyone there'."

Ross Barkley interview + Evertonian magazine = "He's [David Moyes] had young players coming through before. That's what's great about Everton; the manager will always give young players the chance to play at the right time," Barkley said, not adding: "because we can't afford to buy any fully grown players."

Uefa gets rich: Celtic will not appeal against the £12,700 fine imposed for "illicit chanting" by fans during the 3-1 Europa League win over Rennes last month. The club have not made their position clear on "bad warbling", "naughty crooning" or "mischievous humming".

Uefa gets richer: Zenit St Petersburg have been fined €50,000 for "the setting off of fireworks, illicit banners, a pitch invasion and insufficient organisation." The last charge strikes fear in the Fiver's heart.