We decided this morning at the Café to go full on vegan, not for any specific reason, just because it seems to be the done thing these days. So we looked up vegan on the internet and as result we’re cutting out meat, fish and all dairy products. We decided that we may as well go the whole hog and go gluten and nut free too.

So, no meat, no fish, no eggs, no milk, no cheese, no bread, no nuts, and no cakes. Not even beer, because beer isn’t strictly speaking vegan because they use isinglass as a filtration agent.

But what the hell, we can eat as many peas, lentils, beans, and salads as we like. We can even season them with olive oil and salt and pepper.

For breakfast we had a bowl of beans and a glass of lemon tea, which to be honest left us feeling even more peckish than before we’d eaten.

It seemed like an eternity before lunchtime rolled around. When it finally did we had a plate of boiled rice with quorn mince and fried onions. It tasted like shit, but we persevered.

At about three o’clock GMT a fight broke out and one of our staffers got stabbed in the throat with a pencil. Mercifully it was just a flesh wound.

By quarter past, our book reviewer asked quietly if anybody fancied a kebab or a McDonald’s.

So we just caved in like the big softies we are and ordered a huge delivery. Doner kebabs, meat feast pizzas, Big Macs, Whoppers, KFC, and two double chilli cheeseburgers with egg, mushrooms, bacon and sausages. And a 20lb turkey for a curry supper. We also sent Barking Mad Murphy out for beer, whisky and vodka.

We’re okay know, apart from the flatulence.

We won’t be doing that again.

Our conclusion was unanimous; veganism is fine for vegans, but not for us.