Duke of Edinburgh gets final warning

After reporting back for work last week, the Duke of Edinburgh has landed himself in hot water again by throwing another sickie. In a statement read out from Downing St this morning, the chairman of the royal select committee, Quentin Twiston-Shart, told reporters that the Duke had just been given a two year final warning about his absenteeism.

If the Duke goes sick at any time in the next two years, he could be dimissed from his position, and placed in a care home in Gravesend.

It is believed that the Duke threw this latest wobbler to get out of attending the opening ceremony of the Paralympics.

Insiders say that he told the Queen an hour before they were due to leave the Palace that he was having a bit of trouble with " The old water works", and it would be probably best if he stayed indoors.

This would explain the Queens "Smacked arse" expression throughout the whole of the opening ceremony.

Palace staff believe that the Duke wanted to remain at home, as attending the opening ceremony would have caused him to miss the new episode of American Pickers that was on at 9pm on Sky

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