Sex in San Diego: Buying bras for a kid

Breasts. It wasn’t too long ago that I told my 10-year-old stepdaughter she had to wear a different shirt because I could see details of her breasts beneath the one she had on.

I’m not sure when she started maturing sexually, but it’s definitely happening. Technically, according to all the books, they’re only buds. But the idea of her actually having them is so foreign they might as well be balloons.

For her birthday recently, I got her a book called The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls by Valorie Lee Schaefer. As the name implies, it describes and illustrates various bodily developments and what to do about each one. With the book, I wrote the following inscription:

This is a very special book that only big girls get. It will answer many of your questions, but, no matter what, you can always talk to us about anything. We love you.

I gave it to her with the expectation that she would sigh about having received a reference book as a birthday present. But I told her that it talked about all sorts of things that she was already going through, and that, if she read the part about breast development, I would take her bra shopping.

To my surprise, she came to me that weekend telling me what she’d learned and asking when we could go to the store. I suggested we read the section together—I’d already read it, but I wanted her to hear the words being said out loud so that she could realize there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

I also wanted to get her used to talking about things like this with her parents and trusted adults, so when the day comes that some idiot classmate or boyfriend tells her she can’t get pregnant the first time she has sex, she’ll know who she can ask to verify.

So there we were, sitting on the couch and matter-of-factly reading all there is for preteens to know.

Breast come in endless varieties … Even the colors of the nipples and areolas , the dark circular areas around the nipples, vary from pink to brown … Some nipples stick out, while others are inverted, or go inward … Doctors divide breast development into the five stages shown below …

Then off we were to Target.

I can’t even begin to describe my dismay when we got there. All I wanted was a simple, skin- or plain-colored bra for an innocent child. One that allowed her the freedom to still wear a white cotton shirt. One that I’d seen on their website.

Instead what I found were polka-dotted, neon-colored, underwired bras—some of which were cotton lace-lined and strapless. No, I’m not kidding.

But perhaps worst of all was the fact that they were padded.

It was in that moment that my calm, take-it-in-stride facade melted away and the real me emerged— frazzled and freaked out. Why a preadolescent’s bra should be padded is beyond me. A 10-year-old’s breasts don’t need to be accentuated. I felt like it was suddenly me against the world: I’d been hoping my stepdaughter would have a few more flat-chested years and everyone else was trying to make her boobs bigger faster.

Let me back up a little bit.

I started developing my own breasts when I was 9. I only noticed one day when I ran into the corner of a countertop that was about chest-high and instead of just feeling pain, I felt like I’d been shot. I looked down at my chest to see little raised bumps through my shirt that I swear had not been there the day before.

I was dismayed, but mostly because I immediately associated breasts with the agony I’d just felt. In that instant, I knew there must be some untold version of Peter Pan, and that his real reason for not wanting to grow up was simply that he didn’t want to deal with the hassle of puberty.

My mom responded to the situation a little differently. She immediately whisked me off to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor calmly told her that they were just breasts, and that everything was OK—nay, completely natural.

“But she’s only 9,” my mom had responded, desperately.

Flash forward to now, and I was standing inside Target being attacked by sex appeal. But I reminded myself that I’d always promised not to feel such despair with my own children when maturity came knocking. And I didn’t. I was simply pissed.

All I could think about was the number of sickos on this planet that are sexually attracted to children. They are deplorable and disgusting vermin, and I believe they should be publicly castrated and lynched for what they do. But I couldn’t help but wonder—if parents are dressing their children up to look like miniature, fully-formed women, aren’t we as a society partially responsible?

I told my stepdaughter a padded bra was out of the question, to which she immediately agreed. In fact, she agreed so readily that I realized she was just relieved as I was. I asked why, and she said she wasn’t ready for some of her classmates to know she was wearing a bra. She told me she hadn’t wanted to go bra shopping at first, but had spoken to some of her friends after reading the body book and discovered that many of them were in the same boat.

I felt for her—that same feeling of isolation is felt across generations and during all types of stages. In this case, here was a bunch of elementary students stumbling together through a natural part of development, and yet they felt completely alone. I can’t count how many times I thought I was the only person in the world experiencing something before finding out that the same thing has been happening since the dawn of time.

We began looking high and low and behind other bras to find a regular one. It took about five minutes to find two hangers that met our criteria—literally the only ones left—and we took them to the dressing room. By that time, my stepdaughter had gotten so involved in the process that my societal resentment subsided.

She began telling me what she’d learned from the book, and how you’re supposed to roll your shoulder to see if a bra fits properly in the strap. If the strap falls off your shoulder, it needs to be tightened; if it digs in, it needs to be loosened.

This was essentially all I’d ever wanted to happen—for the children in my life to grow up knowledgeable, or to be able to find the answers to their questions.

I shared the success of the experience with my parents during a family get-together. I had grown up not being able to talk to them, but when I became an adult I realized I didn’t have to perpetuate that cycle.

My mom was surprisingly supportive—that is to say she was quiet. It was my dad who shifted uncomfortably and half rolled his eyes.

“I just think she’s a bit young for that,” he said.

I couldn’t help but agree with him. But then again, that’s beyond my control. As much as I may want to, I can’t push my stepdaughter’s breasts back into her chest. All I can hope to do is make sure she knows she can always come to me for help.

Sex in San Diego, a column appearing every Friday here at The OB Rag, explores topics related to sex in America’s Finest City. To encourage openness while still respecting privacy, most authors will use pseudonyms.

But seriously. Thanks for this! I can still hear my once shy and young step-daughter crying while being coached by her mother (my former partner), as the two worked through the problem of the first-time need for tampons. Pretending to be temporarily visiting another planet (she was so embarrassed by the ordeal!), I vividly recall “mom”, as she provided the most vague instructions (from the opposite side of a sealed bathroom) being given to her frightened young daughter, and all the while I kept thinking, “I’m so glad I was born a man.”

I share your feeling of discomfort about the issue of getting the appropriate bra for your pre-teenage daughter. Now don’t be shocked if I at first say this is about corporate greed. Do they not have the say on what we will wear, what we should look like, what we think, etc. How dare we be different from the crowd to satisfy the greed of the corporations. Look at what is advertised. The message is if you do not look like a model, have more money than you know what to do with, or anorexic, then go sit in the corner. Don’t get me wrong, I love to dress. I love pretty clothes. I love to look pretty for my husband. And I don’t have to go almost topless to get a man’s attention. I love pretty lingerie. But my point is, it infuriates me that corporations in their push for more wealth promote the idea that a child is not supposed to have a childhood, which comes only once in a lifetime. I was just infuriated when an article from Esther Lauder, I think, was promoting lipstick, makeup for an 8-YEAR-OLD girl.
What is the point, other than money? Victoria Secret has beautiful lingerie. If I can afford it sometimes, I love it. It feels good to wear it, along with pretty dress. We all have our feelings concerning the look we want to have. But let our children have their childhood first. Example: How many women buy into you have to be thin to be worthy for a man? What is the biggest factor in anorexia? Let the children have a childhood first!

I really like your article. I feel you handled it in a very sensible and sensitive way without appearing to be a “prude” which is only a pitch for corporations that tell us that we have to buy their products, and if you don’t, you will not have healthy self-esteem.

i think this column has already been a big success, talking about a subject that could easily be sensationalized or dehumanizing. i’d tell you to keep it up, but…. (insert bad line from The Office here)

There is plenty to be angry about with the sexualization of young girls. My daughters and I discuss pop culture and gender stereotypes frequently. Awareness, conversation, and sometimes downright mockery of advertising are the only way to surviving.

Excuse me all over the place! If you don’t see the stupidity in writing about your stepdaughter’s breasts in a column, I don’t understnd how other readers haven’t commented on it. Secondly, do you think her breasts were a subject to bring up to her grandparents? Have you no other subject for small talk when the old folks visit? Have you no regard for this girl’s privacy? I can only hope you were writing about a hypothetical stepdaughter. Otherwise, you are too much in this kid’s personal space in general. Slip her the bra book if you feel called upon, but for cat’s sake don’t write about it. Some caring stepmother! P.S. And don’t tell me you got her permission first. You come off as the kind of Stepmother-Who-Must be-Obeyed. Who would dare refuse you permission if she doesn’t want her periods to be the subject of a future column?

Wow Ann. I sure didn’t see your comment coming, that there had been a rupture of a child’s privacy in writing this column. Seriously? Contributors to this column can use pseudonyms and the child’s name wasn’t mentioned. I was actually getting ready to respond that I thought this was a lucky child, with a caring (step)mom. And also an interesting child.
I don’t know who this specific interesting child is, nor the identity of the sensitive author who revealed a great deal about her own experiences on the subject.
I hope this author does talk about periods in her future columns!

Ann – I’ve tried really hard, but just don’t see how Astolat’s article could’ve elicited such an emotional response. It begs the question: Why does this hit so close to home for you? You’re acting as though you’ve been personally attacked; as if you’re internalizing what you believe to be the betrayed feelings of a 10-year-old whom you have never met. It’s curious is all.

As for your “slip her the bra book” comment, all I have to say is REALLY?? Would that be your policy with condoms as well? If she figures out how they’re supposed to work, great! If not, it’s just another unplanned pregnancy. C’est la vie.

Ms. Miller, this piece was written in good taste and was more about their shared experience than a child’s breasts. The author handled this situation pretty well, and I’ve been in the position of the child and the mother.

Slip her the bra book…? You say you are no prude but you sure come off like one.

Right? Such good taste. Thanks, again, Emilie. My mother always wanted two blond-haired, blue-eyes girls . . . . but got two boys, instead. Your honest and upfront approach reminded me of her (we shared a rather modern family bond, ya know? “An American family” is how I believe I heard it once described. . . .)

Your care and insightful writing will, no doubt, find a home in many-a-reader who may need this advice someday. Delivered in such heartfelt and modern fashion, not naive or lacking thoughtfulness. How my own mother, too, would have brought the “maturity” into the maturation process, as you’ve done so remarkably (given you, too, are so young). Having step-daughters, too, I know wht it means to balance between parent and parental (for many biological parents, too often seems to swing between friend and foe, these days). . perhaps this is experienced by other readers.

As a professional and intellectual, my mom, too, would’ve likely discussed her experiences within the “adult arena” (and the stories she would have written about, and probably did talk about with her Doctor friends!)

Ya know? Like the kinda place we can only find by sharing ideas and experiences with other adults? Or by reading the OB Rag :)

Soooo very thoughtful of you to write, and thought-full, too!
A bold category to write goo (i.e, compelling) content for, too! The “Sex” column is bound to shake some shingles . . . . but who wants shingles. anyways?

Ann Miller: I think your attack on the stepmother was rather unkind. You appear to be a very angry person in general. However, if something causes me outrage, I try not to take it out so forcefully on a person. I do agree that she did a good job of trying to be sensitive about it, because I am sure she was quite angered about the subject of sexualization of young girls. To me, such a thing is despicable, especially because it is wholly money driven, mainly by corporations. I agree with you that I would not have brought it up while the family was there or with her parents. As far as her privacy in writing about it I guess I am a little naive that we have some degree of privacy on the internet, and are somehow anonymous. She did not mention if the young lady was present when the subject was discussed. If she had been, I would have been totally outraged. Interrupt immediately, and off the side, and “WE HAVE TO TALK!”

Let’s hear some more viewpoints on this piece. I absolutely agree that the sexualization of our little girls is a money-making ploy on the part of the advertisers, and that it’s deplorable.
But no more deplorable than squeezing a column out of it.

Emilie: You treated this perfectly, imho. “Going there” without going there, as was your clearly announced intent. During the first few lines, your scope was clear and well-communicated, and most readers should know where this piece is and where it is not targeting. At the same time, the same readers can easily understand you might be inclined to write an “exploitation article”.

Regardless of what you decide to communicate in the future, please keep ’em coming. You’ve a valued perspective to offer fellow readers, as evident from the emotional response solicited from this single article. In writers’ parlance, I guess they’ed say, “You nailed it!”

Lois, I”m not an angry person, just an appalled one. To write a column on the outrage of early sexualization of children is a GOOD thing. Using your little stepdaughter’s personal details: BAD. Not one tasteful thing about it.
Anna: I have no ojection whatsoever if she wants to illustrate her points with her own experiences. Including her own periods.

No mother daughter conversations told from the perspective of a mother? No husband wife conversations told from the perspective of a husband? Why didn’t you bust Chris Dotson’s chops above over his comments about his step-daughter and the tampon??? Ann, I’m trying to work with you but it’s…. weird.

I have no idea who Ann is, but I think Ann makes some great and valid points and I honestly wholeheartedly agree with her. It seems a bit aggressive and bullyish of commenters to have called her a “angry person” and “I’m trying to work with you but it’s…. weird”. State your opinion of article and content of article. It would be nice to have discussions online without personal attacks on commenters.

Well if “she wasn’t ready for her classmates to know she is wearing a bra”, I hope she is ready for san diego and beyond to know. I found this article to be quite sad, that a trusted adult in a childs life would write about her step daughters personal experience. I think the author should have just talked about her own personal experience and left the childs experience private. I don’t think step moms published interpretation of the whole thing is conducive to ” You can always come talk to us about anything”. I think this step mom overstepped alot of privacy/trust boundaries.

Well, Anna, to tell the truth, I was going to bring up Chris’ hanging around while his wife is trying to have a presumably private discussion with her daughter about the intracies of how to insert a tampon, but decided to let it go. (Honestly, is that a subject the average man might linger to hear? Not in my world.) And I might not have commented on the column at all if the stepmother hadn’t sounded, in my opinion, too much like a drill sergeant in general. Why make such a big deal over it? Saying, ‘Hey, sweetie, looks like you’re getting to the age where you might like to pick out a bra” would have gotten the job done. But let me reiterate: I am all in favor of columns that throw society’s poor glimmering light over the subject of child sexualization. I just think her focus was misplaced in her using her stepdaughter by way of illustration.

Hello again, Ann: Glad you came back .
I am posting below because I wasn’t quite clear what “mr. fresh was trying to tell us.

LOIS

” mr fresh February 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm
i think this column has already been a big success, talking about a subject that could easily be sensationalized or dehumanizing. i’d tell you to keep it up, but…. (insert bad line from The Office here)”

Reply

Lois February 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Huh?”

Reply

I noticed you were particulary unhappy about the story because the stepmother” was writing” about it. You are on the OB Rag, so I am wondering if you have seen the particlular article on December 7, 1211″Facebook censors cupcakea.”

This particular article I saw made me feel ^%$!#?#. I was neither nice, politically correct, polite, or anything near that. Didn’t mean to be what I “try” not to do when something angers me. But seeing the drawing of a part of the female anatomy being called “art,” can’t we even talk about certain things about either the male or female anatomy as we try to call ourselves enlightened adults without having ridiculous drawings, called names, such as cute or delightful, and such? I have to admit I was disgusted and let go a few words. After all, don’t we all know what our genital and reproductive parts look like? What they are for? Aren’t we adults, educated, trying to put to rest some of the prudish myths regarding such? But aren’t they there for good?

I guess I kind of understand what mr. fresh was trying to say. It is a very private, sensitive, rightfully so, subject that human nature being human nature, comments could either enrich our minds or down it. I don’t know what the answer is. But I will say, one of my main objections to this “trendy” way of making young children grow up, angers me no end. It is a simple question and has a simple answer. It IS NOT for the benefit of the children. Being a child is part of being a human being.

It is 1962. I am 12 years old. Four bras have appeared in my life- size 32A. They appeared like the mail, the rain, or the children in my blue collar neighborhood- there they were! These bras were white and had concentric rows of stitching around the cold war missile cups. I lacked the breast stuff to stuff them with, so I added some Kleenex.
At the kitchen table, my mother wanted to know what I had stuffed my bra with. My father was ensconced behind the paper; my sister, three years younger was all ears and ready to circle like a shark around the bleeding chum. My mother plucked the Kleenex from my bra, (!)and then pretty much humiliated me for having “two fried eggs on a stick.” I was 12 years old. Just one more reason for expensive therapy. :)

Anna: Don’t mean to laugh, but you have a great sense of humor and a delightful way of using it. I just love the “cold war missile, your sister ready to circle like a shark around the bleeding chum.” Seriously, saying it again, I think Freud was a sort of kook, but one thing he said I believe, “the traumas of childhood last a lifetime.” A question I had asked in a therapy class was “if I now remember why I react in a certain way, why do I still react in a certain way? The answer “you have the memory of it. ?????????????? By the way, are you old enough to remember the 50’s movies where the actresses all wore pointed bras? Cold war missiles, maybe?

Curiously, I remembered the old southern “you just have to learn to tolerate it,” (heaven forbid), but I have a tendency to not remember certain things if they tend to approach being humiliating or painful. I do remember being in High School though and feeling fine wearing a bra. No reason to care now.

Anna – You have always been able to make me laugh! And even when the subject matter is so serious – that’s quite a gift. I’m sorry that you had to experience something like that. It sounds demoralizing and, like you said, humiliating. What is it – jealousy or just a person’s inability to cope – that makes something like that happen? I mean, it seems your mother tried to be understanding of your increasing maturity by giving you the bras but couldn’t, for whatever reason, follow through. The psychology of it is truly fascinating. Thanks for sharing something so personal.

Lois: Yes, those pointy bras. My mother told me they used to iron them into points so they’d look as much like inverted icebream cones as possible. When you see the old movies (40s and 50s) you wonder how it was they didn’t poke holes in the leading mens’ coats during the kissing scenes.

Oh, how funny. But you know, now I wonder why they did the pointy thing. I really don’t get that. Even the Rubenesque women had theirs visible and pushed up to their throats, which were more honest than the points. Maybe I will do an internet search on “pointy bras.”

Oh, one more thing before I fold my tent: if there’s anyone out there who thinks I’m writing in high dudgeon from the point of view of the Religions Right let him or her be cast down forever, and good riddance to them. I’m way to the left of Karl Marx. (Just so those pursed-up mouths can relax in time for bed.)

Just made a short trip to the land of “pointy bras.” Why would a woman want her breasts to look like weapons? I see that some men, unintrigued by them were running for cover. Quite entertaining. Next, research indignation “high dudgeon.” Appears to be quite interesting judging from your strong feelings of the subject.

I, also, will fold my tent (or wings) and go hang in the closet for now.

The kid was lucky to have a woman take her shopping. I lived in a family of women who passed down their clothes and I can’t say when I got my first new bra.
In so far as tampons go, eavesdropping dads should be informed there are other alternatives to them. However, a fiftyish friend told me she had to use a woman’s medication that uses a tube-like thingy for delivery. Her description of putting it in upside down was a side splitter. She couldn’t read the instructions without reading glasses! It is amazing what girls don’t know about their bodies, and I wish I’d had that book long ago. I so enjoyed this article.

Marilyn Steber: I told myself that I was going to take myself away from the articles for awhile. Sometimes these things get “heavy handed” and though I am open for intelligent and useful discourse, I’m kind of burned out right now. But I do love a person with a sense of humor, I laughed mightily at the “upside down” incident.

Lois & Marilyn- I have come to value humor greatly as a way of resolving tensions that build up. Both of you have a terrific sense of humor; and your ability to make me laugh allows a much needed breathing space. We talk about serious, important and sometimes deeply personal things here. We also have a good time. Those are not mutually exclusive statements.

Norma: Thank you so much for the kind comments; they are much appreciated. To the reader who mentioned condoms: a ten-year-old’s bra and condoms are a long stretch to be coupled together in the context of the discussion going on here. How did you make such an agile leap? Nowhere did I suggest that girls – or boys – shouldn’t be thoroughly informed about the processes of their bodies. I must have not made myself clear: the two points I objected to were the author’s approach to the whole deal about the bra, and the fact that she chose to use her ten-year-old little girl’s initimate moments for illustrative purposes. I hope she will spare us (and her child) further descriptions of this child’s future bodily processes. If she gets into this much of a tizzy over the decision to buy her a bra, she’s going to have a complete breakdown when the really tough moments arrive. Let’s hope she manages them in a kinder, wiser, more relaxed and far more discreet manner.
Dear Editor: Okay, so edit the last part out – Ann

Ann you have made your point clear. You are appalled… I get it. I think we all get it. And aside from Norma, you don’t have much of an amen corner, so I’d say you are not exactly winning the hearts and minds of readers.
You have made your argument, the same argument, any number of times, while tantalizingly offering us the encouraging words that you have indeed stated your argument and are quite done with it. But nooooooooooo…..

Yeah, you’re right. If sheer repitition doesn’t make a dent, nothing will. I will send regards to you and the rest of the correpondents and all good wishes to that ten-year-old little sweetie and bow out.

(noise from the aside corner) “Amen”, at the risk of beating a dead horse(or being beaten by commenters). I really do appreciate the authors spirit of supporting women through their sexual changes in life and exploring the topic. What is irksome is simply that she chose her step daughters confidences to make her points. It is easy for an adult to convince a child that looks up to them to do a story on them. Just truly surprised there are not more here in this corner….. Moving out of the corner.

Such sad commentary reflects most poorly on the commentator. Rather than casting aspersion through misleading statements (an all too familiar theme for a couple of these recent contributions) where, instead, good questions provide enlightened communications and promote a healthy dialog.

Nothing like the twisted, perverted, and vain imaginings of a few: Now try to imagine a million other, vastly different settings than the one conjured by such poisoned, presumptive mindsets. Eavesdropping? Is that all where you come out?
And watching as It feeds upon itself. . . . Yuck!

note to Ann:
1) this is not a newspaper. see? no trees killed. blogs are different than newspapers in many ways.
2) there’s plenty of debate here. sorry that it doesn’t seem to fit your needs,
3) there are no subscriptions.
4) sorry that we took Sunday night off from approving comments. we have lives. it’s our sandbox. don’t like it? don’t click. cya
*** Oh, and for the rest of you that didn’t get Mr Fresh’s comment, the running joke on the Office TV show is a rather sexist quip “That’s what she said”. Fresh has been notified that he is on double secret probation.

Doug: Thanks for the clarification of “The Office.” Never been a sitcom watcher. Just movies. But I was highly curious about his comment. Sounds pretty ominous about Fresh “on double secret probation,” but I will let that go since I seem to become “clueless” now and then.

I was going to write something detailed, but decided against it. . .That said, I shook my head while reading through all of the comments. Why? Because it is illustrated “proof” that these discussions have the potential to bring out the best and worst in people.

An older and wiser friend of mine once said, if they’re ready to ask the question, then they’re ready to have the answer. However we seek that answer on their behalf has the potential to open up a learning experience for “us” as well.

I’m so pleased to see a column of this nature, and am looking forward to reading more.

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