This is just one of those nights where I do that battle with myself that my previous entries have mentioned.

Heh. Where the compassionate empath duels with that protective bird with old wounds. For those that ever wondered why my last moniker on Elliquiy was 'Twisted Crow'... well, now you understand what it references to. In about 20 years of experience with being a caring, wounded bird; I've learned that sometimes the "wrong" thing to do is be honest about how you feel. These are one of those times where life does not normally "reward you for honesty"... instead, it damns you. Despite the common misnomer, most people don't want to hear the truth. They want to hear what makes them feel good. They want you to put their mind at ease, lie and tell them that you will be just fine. They want to feel "normal", they want to feel acceptance. And with that in mind, I don't like making people feel bad either. So what do we do in this situation?

We lie, of course. To my regret, I've developed the tendency to lie to others more so than just relay the annoying truth. This doesn't really apply to anything important, though. If someone else was in danger, in need of help or even if they needed honesty for their sake... I'd lay it out there on a dime if it eases their well-being. Consequently, that is the primary contingency. If it put them at ease. If it made them feel better, yeah... I'd be honest with them. But when it comes to my well-being, I have found that it is better to wear a mask and paint what I believe they wish to see in these situations.

"Are you okay, Dallas?"

No.

"Ah... Oh yeah, I'm fine!"

Liar.

Truth is, I don't normally find friends that will listen. I'm not used to it. To be honest, I feel in doubt when people do give praise to me. I would normally take compliments better if I was sure that they were telling the truth. When I hear or see anything that is meant to move me, especially the words (or phrases like) "I care about you, Dallas"... it can really lift me up. But depending on my relationship with that person, it can also make me doubt. I have lived most of my life learning to fend for myself, learning to do without and how to cope with heartless people that I once allowed to get close to me. Aside the usual ex-soldier stories I won't bore people with, I've just seen some seriously messed up stuff. With no support group or outlet to actually deal with it other than time to heal the damage. The upside is that I can usually say that I've been through worse. But it also nudges me to keep it to myself and fly solo. Because I'm used to doing with things, coping with problems and generally being on my own... I don't really know how to let people in, even when I can be sure of their intentions. Sometimes even if I really want help, I don't know how to ask or accept it.

This is my fight... I'll deal with it myself.

Hah. Oh, how I wish this was pride, because it is not confidence. The truth is that it is frequently said out of fear.

You know that part of these blogs where I end it on a lighter side and have some upbeat moral or rousing words to encourage others in this situation? Umm... I really wish I did, but I don't have anything on this one. It's been 20 years since I've been dealing with this and I still haven't learned how to spin this one into a positive. Really... How does one turn this into a good thing? Or a good quality? Hmmm... it's quite a headscratcher.

On the Music: While I know very little about the actual references or origins of the song, the chorus does a good job of generalizing my life in one sentence:

"I lead the life unchosen, gave the lesson to the broken."

It always hits home, and somehow gives me a sense of resolve. Good night!