Valentine’s Day: A guide to what not to buy

You might be in a boring long-term relationship, you might be in an awkward friends-with-benefits situation - whatever relationship you might be in, congratulations on having someone at all.

With a relationship comes great responsibilities and one of these responsibilities is always buying the perfect gift. You can’t get it right every time and no one wants to be another “it’s-the-thought-that-counts” statistic.

To make life easier for you, here’s a list of things to not get someone for Valentine’s Day.

TICKETS

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A pre-purchased ticket to an event is the physical embodiment of a jinx. Is your relationship secure enough to last 24 weeks or even 24 days? History has proven that lot can happen in 24 hours and a break-up conversation only takes 15-20 minutes.

If the heartbreak doesn’t kill you, the awkwardness of figuring out who gets to go with their new partner and who misses out on the event certainly will.

Proposing on Valentine’s Day would have your engagement anniversary fall on an already existing holiday, which means you only get one special day out of the year to celebrate your love.

If you proposed on any other day, instead of only getting to have sex once this year, you now might get to have sex twice, which is double the pleasure. It’s simple mathematics.

YOUR INTERESTS

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Valentine’s Day is not the day to give a gift of something that you’re really into and hope that your partner will get into it too. No one wants a carbon-fibre frisbee for Ultimate Frisbee at Vic Park. No one wants a 12-month subscription to Elder Scrolls Online.

And NO ONE wants a book of BBC’s The Office: Season 2 scripts, OK GLENN.

LINGERIE

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You should know the script:

Interior. Department store - Day.

Man walks through lingerie department in a slow, suspicious manner, fingering the racks of bras and camisoles. He makes eye contact with female customers making them feel uncomfortable and unsafe. The man approaches a storeperson.

MAN

Excuse me I seem to be out of my depth

here and I was wondering if you could

suggest some sexy lingerie for my

girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?

STOREPERSON

No. This is real life, not a movie cliche.

Please leave the store.

Man leaves the store.

THE END.

SERVICE STATION FLOWERS

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There’s only one thing sadder than an limp bouquet of old flowers and that is the sad realisation that you don’t have a fresh, trendy, huge rose bouquet the size of your ass that you can post on Instagram to brag to all your friends with.

Sometimes, turning up with nothing is better than turning up with $6.99 crap leaf, and you can always use the excuse “I ordered something from the florist, did you not get it delivered to you?” and just send something the next day.

JUST SEX

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Don’t assume that just because it’s Valentine’s, you will get sex.

You are not God’s gift to the world and if God was giving out gifts on Valentine’s Day, she would probably gift the world with an earlier release date of Stranger Things season 2 on Netflix. Something the world can all enjoy ... and we could finish together and then you know what? That was great.