What Your Favorite Day of the Week Says About You

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Days of the week tend to possess their own unique personalities. Mondays are the overachievers, Saturdays are the quarterback with a heart of gold, and Thursdays? Oh, sweet Thursdays. They’re the pretty, quirky girl whose pop culture intellect is matched only by her flirty, witty banter. Did I just fall in love with a theoretical description of a day of the week? You bet I did! Let’s get to the list.

From worst to first:

7. Monday

Fans of Monday, you’re in luck! Future CEOs and dot com millionaires can’t get enough of Mondays. Finally free from the shackles of relaxation, Mondays allow successful working folk to scream words like “Equity” and “Asset Liability” into their cell phones while I quietly spend my mornings emailing myself potential dialogue for my unfinished screenplay about two cops who BOTH play by the rules. Good Cop Good Cop, starring Zach Braff and Chad Michael Murray. Summer 2015. Be there.

Fictional Fun Fact: Mondays were discovered by 17th century fashion-forward explorer "Pants De Leon" while he was searching for the perfect corduroy.

6. Wednesday:

I'm going to shoot you straight here, Spark-A-Neers: if your favorite day is Wednesday, I flat-out don't understand how your mind works. I imagine whoever invented lasers was really into Wednesdays, so I assume the person who pioneers the next life-altering, futuristic invention that my feeble brain can't begin to comprehend (hologram food? hover naps?) will probably also love Wednesdays.

Fictional Fun Fact: Wednesday was created by conservative rapper Sir Mix A-Little while he unsuccessfully tried to find a rhyme for the word "orange."

5. Tuesday:

Lovers of Tuesday tend to be open-minded and excited for all of life's possibilities. Go you! Conversely, fans of Tuesday are also the kind of people who say things like, “Turn can do into can did!" Full disclosure: I stole that joke from a slightly used Halls' cough drop wrapper. Stealing jokes from garbage? Yep, my life is pretty much going exactly according to plan.

Fictional Fun Fact: Famous rock singer/pizza-maker "Bon Anchovy" accidentally created Tuesday while tinkering with a recipe for what we now refer to as cheesy crust pizza.

4. Friday:

Friday! Four!? Josh! You’re! Crazy! First off, that criticism is not constructive. Or an actual sentence. Or actual criticism since you can’t write criticism into an article you’re reading. That’s not how criticism, the internet, or life in general works. I love Fridays as much as the next blogger writing about days of the week, but movies, restaurants, songs, iconic blocks of top notch television programming? C'mon people! That's a bit much. We still have to work on Friday! Instead of jumping on the Friday bandwagon, maybe write a song about having a reasonably priced meal and going to bed at a decent hour. It's Tuesday, Tuesday, going to get eight hours of sleep on Tuesday!

Fictional Fun Fact: On July 6th, 1889 the name Friday replaced “Thursday Two” as the name of the last day of the work week.

3. Thursday:

Thursdays are the underrated gem of the week. Staying up late on Thursday night to binge watch television or immerse yourself in a good book is a fun way to tell the world, "Hey, I respect the fact that it's a five day work/school week, but guess what, JACK? I don't care." Bonus points if the person you're talking to is actually named Jack.

Fictional Fun Fact: The first recorded use of a Thursday was in 1812 when overweight trickster Plump-El-Stiltskin presented Thursday as a gift to King George III to repay an outstanding horseshoe debt.

2. Sunday:

If you enjoy Sundays, well partner, you are magic in a bottle. May I call you partner? I’m going to assume I can. Brunch, football, pajamas, reason to say "Sunday Funday!"—where does it end?! Sundays fall just short of our number one ranked day because no matter how much fun you’re having ,there’s always that annoying voice reminding you about work/school the next day.

If you love Saturdays, you just won the human being lottery! Not the one from that short story where they stone people to death, the lottery with money! No work today! No work tomorrow! Let's dance! I love Saturdays. In fact, I love Saturdays so much I often like to pretend I’m Aladdin, Jasmine is Saturday, and the Magic Carpet is dumb old Monday, as we soar to a little place I like to call Relaxation Station. It's sad we live in a world devoid of Flying Carpets who have no problem helping you trick a princess into loving you, but if they did exist then I guess we’d have nothing to dream about.

Fictional Fun Fact: Bears do not recognize Saturday as an official day of the week.

What’s your favorite day of the week? Do you have a favorite Bon Anchovy song? Do you realize how difficult it was for me not to make the pun "More like Dawson’s WEEP"?