Cookies 'n' Landmines

Monday, February 6, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Cover letters are recommended to accompany resumés when your search for jobs. They provide a personable twist in which you express your interpretation of your job skills and abilities, which is in stark contrast to the often rigid and objective goals of the resumé.

Having experience in writing and in bragging writing about myself, I will be taking the time to show you, step-by-step how to scribe the best cover letter possible. I will be using my own cover letter as an example, because it is so great.

You are welcomed.

Step 1: The Date

It is incredibly important to show your potential employer that you are aware of what month, day, and year it is, in that order.

Because fuck this day first shit.

This shows you have a stellar sense of time; a requirement for many job fields.

Ex: 1/14/12

Pay attention to the subtlety of the backslashes.

Step 2: Personal Information

The employer should know who he is hiring.

“She” bosses are chefs.

So it is important to leave details of your systemic existence.

Mr. Indie Day

69 Cookiesville, Landmine, BS

1-555-366-5437 - cookiesandlandmines@gmail.com

See how in this detail I included my name? Remember that detail, and as always, check with your social security card if you happen to forget.

My name is 000-00-0000.

Step 3: The intro.

You always want to make sure you begin with “Dear”, and a grateful yet unadulating title to call your potential employer. This indicates respect for authority, while still maintaining pride; a delicate balance. The phrase to keep in mind is “Deference and dignity”.

Dear Fuckmouth Loserbitch,

There is no greater honor.

Step 4: The Opening.

Always let your employer know why it was you replied to his offering. Make them feel as though you understood their request, and that you can fulfill it.

Before bragging like an asshole.

I’m pretty good at the shit you wrote about. Like, I can do plenty of that customer service stuff. I remember this one time at CVS this guy asked me for a CVS card, right? And you know what I did? I was like “Here you go bro. Here’s an application.” And he fucking filled that shit out. Bam. New card carrier. It’s like nothing.

As I articulated in this paragraph, I am more than capable of any customer effort, which pertained to the field I was inquiring for.

“Customer service.”

Notice the subtle use of laymen language. Words like “man”, “bro”, and “I” create rapport with a person who does not know you. Words of icebreaking, so to speak.

Or icebuilding.

Step 4: The Body

This is the standout paragraph in which you methodically detail your abilities while skirting any attitude that may sound boastful. Tough though rewarding, it is where you tightrope walk between personal expression of skill and excessive enthusiasm. I would prescribe less a focus on speaking of your personality, and more an effort to interpret, through your own words, what you can logistically provide to the employer.

Ask yourself these questions as you conjure your words, “Would I hire this person for his stated skills?” “Do I sound overly confident?” “Do my statements translate into productive work ethics?” And, as always, “Do I fit this employer’s needs?”

I only smoke weed once a week.

Still icy.

Step 5: The Conclusion.

Rewind and find your opening paragraph. Condense its objectives and flank them with your previously stated abilities. This provides an excellent summary that expresses both why you are applying, why you fit this company, and why you deserve acknowledgment over other applicants.

You’re specialer.

Listen, man, I’ve done this kind of work before and I really need the money. So I’d be good, right? I mean, let’s be honest, who really cares about your company? Nobody. Except for me. Well not really. But I know I can do a good job looking like it man. Trust me on this shit.

With all these powers combined I am,Captain Planet.

Wow.

Notice the minimal injection of humor there. This shows that while you are a serious candidate for hiring, you can be a sincere person when required of you. This is a key trait that a resume cannot express, as resumes are often inundated with such stringent logistical information that there is no room for that personal touch a cover letter can bring.

Which she makes me do. To myself.

As of yet, this cover letter has not received any feedback.

NOOOOO WAAAAIIIIII

But in comparison to many cover letters, this one is certainly one that stands out in both personality, sincere interest, and applicable skills for the trade. I will be posting this cover letter on its own for anyone’s future use, as I encourage you all to take use of my outstanding efforts in your future endeavors.

I only want to help my peers and/or adoring fans in succeeding in their goals however I see fit. Good luck. And if you fail, it is your fault.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Certainly, the impact of promiscuous sex and backstabbing relationships are not positives by any means. They’re more probably negative, as after some time, they’ll develop a sense of distrust and the feeling of being unfulfilled.

The caption is inherent.

However, trauma is a necessary evil. Without trauma, we do not develop an understanding of how to better resolve situations, because we do not know any of its consequences. Like a child who touches a flame before ever understanding that it is, in fact, hot as shit.

n00b.

Emotionally, flames have to be played with in order to be properly handled and used for future, more positive uses. If this holds true, then essentially promiscuous sex is that child playing with fire. It is the active trial and error to discover what sex is, what your emotions are about it, how the dots connect, and what it all means to you.

Problem solved.

This means promiscuous sex and all sex out of the normal “I love you/you love me” context breaks the established truth of sex being a sanctimonious ritual of love, loyalty, and longevity, and is thus more progressive than a standard relationship.

It is, in fact, “deeper” than your best friends or your nicest, more withstanding relationships. Your “fuckbuddy” is better for your psyche than the love of your life.

Buy the vowels, get it done.

But here is the disclaimer: This significance is temporary. Like the analogy of a child playing with fire, at some point, the child will have to understand that he/she’s beyond playing with matches. Eventually, the more significant actions of grilling, cooking, or boiling will have to grow from sliding a match against the box. And if it does not, he/she is not developing.

Development.

So at some point, promiscuous sex begins to wain in significance and positivity, level with the established monogamy of relationships, and inevitably become less developmental and more detrimental.

Like this, except with your emotions.

For the moment, I’m in the age group where promiscuous sex still holds some positive footing over a monogamous relationship or a decent friendship. But this will stop. It will get old, and it will stunt your psychological growth.

This is what you really look like.

And it will always have to be done with some careful emotional footing; damage of some nature always occurs when sex is had this way, and while I’ve argued this as a positive, you do not want to set the damn house on fire when you only meant to burn your finger.

This is by no means a persuasive effort to ask people to fuck one another randomly (Or fuck me, which would be preferred).

Does this make you wet?

This is more or less an insight into an argument that, seemingly, is never openly made. I’m interested purely in the objective truth of all things, and if this argument does unveil that truth, then I am invested in it.

Like an arsonist's invested in fire insurance.

There is a part II, and it will be posted tomorrow.

-------------------------------------

It is essential to the idea of decency that friendship, love, and other relationships of platonic nature (Or simply, relationships which do not immediately imply TONS OF SEX) are tethered to the belief that they are emotionally “deeper” than those of an outwardly sexual nature.

Looks pretty deep to me.

In the general definition of “deeper” (General being the collective inferences gleaned from conversations throughout my life), this means that they have stronger emotional ties, and thus are more progressive, and positive, to the human experience.

But why?

Because you touch yourself.

We do not immediately question the idea that friendships are of a more significant nature because conventional thinking deems it so, and our innate moral compasses would prefer it to be the case.

But what if that fuckbuddy has a far greater emotional implication than your best friend ever has?

But this is my best friend.

In truth, sex in humans has deep psychological bounds. Generally, the type of sex had, who it is you have sex with, how it is you have sex with them, what it is you enjoy about it, is all entirely dependent upon what occurred to you psychologically.

For example, it’s a nearly subconscious fact that a person who was raised without their father has a wildly different approach to sex than a person with a father (I would say “without one parent/with both”, but I don’t have an observational experiences involving this).

Thanks Newark!

Of course, being without a dad will affect your entire approach to life, let alone sex.

wat is college

But this does legitimize sex’s deeply-rooted nature in our psychology, which empowers my next point.

Trauma of any kind, physical or emotional, is a massively dominant force in the way we perceive our reality. A victim of rape is less likely to enjoy sex as opposed to a non-victim, a driver who took part in a menacing car accident will be less comfortable driving, etc.

'Cause you don't want a car accident photo from Google Images.

The irony is, the same does not hold true for events of perceived “normalcy”, or how they’re expected to go. When something goes as established, it passes through your psyche meaninglessly. When both parents love you, you do appreciate it, but you will be unlikely to highlight or express this in your behavior as someone who’s parents did not.

Bet I know what daddy was like. Or wasn't.

When you drive your car without any car accidents, you will not be affected in anyway near as significantly as you would’ve been if that one drive went horribly awry. So an established truth going as established does not make an impact. Only when the establishment is broken does the brain learn some shit.

FUCK THE (moral) SYSTEM!

Placing this context onto friendships and sexual relationships, a deep friendship or successful relationship does not have the same profundity in the mind as the one person who cheated on you, or the friend who stabbed your back.

You are in fact more likely to react to these situations in anyway than you are to the established ideal of friendships working cooperatively and relationships blossoming beautifully.

Or tits being perfect.

So if a sexual relationship of an adverse nature to the participant is more likely to have a bigger impact psychologically than a healthy one, is it not, according to the general meaning, “deeper”? Is it as shallow as we perceive if its affects are far more prolific than the established truth?

Essentially, when you fuck promiscuously for funsies, is it not more impacting to your psyche than when you fuck someone happily for a long time? And if so, doesn’t it make it “deeper”?