The Spiritual GPS

How to replace anger and negativity with feelings of joy and love.

At the hors d’oeuvre reception before a fundraising dinner, I was conversing with a friend, whom I’ll call Joan. Out of nowhere, Joan made a scathing remark directed at me. Reflexively, I took a step back and exclaimed, “I feel attacked! I don’t want to continue our conversation.” I turned and walked away, fuming. At that moment the loudspeaker announced that the crowd should enter the banquet hall and take their seats. From the corner of my eye I saw Joan moving toward the right side of the hall. I went to the left, wanting as much distance between us as the walls would permit. I sat down at a table where other friends were chatting amicably, but I did not join in. I was miffed, hurt, and resentful.

I was in the World of Estrangement.

According to Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, one of the greatest sages of the 20th century, there are two parallel universes: the World of Connection and the World of Estrangement. These are two completely separate worlds. The World of Connection is characterized by love, joy, tranquility, optimism, harmony, generosity, faith in God, etc., while the World of Estrangement is characterized by animosity, anger, resentment, anxiety, sadness, criticism, worry, fear, etc.

When we are feeling critical, we cannot feel love.

Although a person can flip from one world to the other very quickly, no one can be in both worlds at the same time, just as when looking at a Rubin vase, one can see either the white vase or the two black profiles facing each other, but not both simultaneously. Human beings are neurologically wired so that we cannot see the vase and the profiles at the same time. Human beings are spiritually wired so that we cannot be in the World of Connection and the World of Estrangement at the same time. When we are feeling joy, we cannot feel fear. When we are feeling critical, we cannot feel love. When we are feeling resentful, we cannot feel tranquil.

THE SPIRITUAL GPS

When we are in the World of Estrangement, feeling anger, sadness, or fear, how do we find our way to the World of Connection? By using the “Spiritual GPS.”

The “Spiritual GPS” is a system, based on Rabbi Wolbe’s teaching, to get us out of the labyrinth of negative, isolating states. It consists of three simple steps.

Step 1: Identify your location: When the GPS in your car is turned on, the satellite must first identify your position. Similarly, the Spiritual GPS starts with identifying your location: Are you in the World of Connection or the World of Estrangement? A cursory assessment of your feelings will reveal your location:

World of Connection

World of Estrangement

Loving

Angry

Generous

Resentful

Harmonious

Afraid

Happy

Sad

Confident

Fretful

Optimistic

Critical

Trusting in God’

Jealous

Peaceful

Worried

Step 2: Choose your destination: Once you have identified which world you’re in, the next step is to decide where you want to go and key in your destination.

This might seem simple. Don't we all want to go to the World of Connection, the world of love, peace, and joy?

Not always, because most of us believe in the four inalienable rights: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the right to stew. So if someone has hurt you (emotionally, financially, etc.), part of you gets stuck in asserting your right to stew.

Indeed, you do have the right to stew, but why exercise it? Let’s say you buy a six-month membership in a swimming pool for a very cheap price. When you get there, you realize why the bargain. You are standing in the pool, and you see that it’s dirty. Cigarette butts and dead bugs are floating on the surface of the water. The water itself is so grimy that you can’t even see your feet. You own the membership to this pool. You’re entitled to swim there. But would you really choose to stay in that dirty, disgusting place?

The World of Estrangement is a dark, sad, nasty place. If someone else’s wrong words or actions have propelled you into the World of Estrangement, you have the right to stay there. But if you’re in a pit, it doesn’t matter if you jumped in yourself or were pushed in – ;you’re in a pit. Do you really want to stay there?

No matter how shabbily you were treated, you do not have to remain stuck in the World of Estrangement.

So the second step of the Spiritual GPS is to choose where you want to go. The keyword here is “choose.” No matter how shabbily you were treated, you do not have to remain stuck in the World of Estrangement.

The problem is that we are often duped by the Nasseri fallacy. Mehran Karimi Nasseri is an Iranian refugee who lived for 18 years in Terminal One of the Paris airport. For the first seven years, he was trapped there, after his passport and other documents were stolen while he was en route to London. Great Britain refused him entrance and sent him back to Paris, but he could not leave the airport lest he be arrested as an illegal immigrant in France. After a legal imbroglio that kept him in the airport for seven years, Belgium finally offered Nasseri the opportunity to live in Belgium. He refused. He had made the airport his home, and despite other exit possibilities offered to him by various nations, he insisted that the offers did not meet his criteria. Nasseri continued to live in the airport for eleven more years, until ill health forced him to be hospitalized.

The World of Estrangement is as untenable a residence as the Paris airport, but we often claim to be stuck there when the exit door is in fact open. The second step of the Spiritual GPS is to choose whether you want to reside in the World of Estrangement or leave it for the World of Connection. You are never stuck. Whatever the provocation, ultimately you inhabit the world you choose to inhabit.

If you choose to go to the World of Connection, the third step plots your course to that felicitous destination.

Step 3: Plot your course through an act of giving: With the Spiritual GPS, you do not have to work through your negative emotions, delve into your subconscious motives, or analyze the other person’s wrong actions. You just have to get up and walk out of the airport. You do that by any act of connection. Since you can inhabit only one world at any given time, doing an act of connection instantaneously removes you from the World of Estrangement. It’s that simple, and that effective.

Doing an act of connection instantaneously removes you from the World of Estrangement.

In Judaism, “an act of connection” must be an act of giving. The word for love in Hebrew is “ahava,” which comes from the word “give.” The only road to the World of Connection is through acts of giving. This does not necessarily entail giving material objects (although flowers are always nice). You can give a smile, give a compliment, give emotional support, give thanks, give the benefit of the doubt, or forgive, as in the following map:

According to Rabbi Wolbe, all the mitzvahs of the Torah bring a person to the World of Connection. The positive mitzvahs, such as the commandments to love your neighbor or lend money to a needy person, clearly create connection. The negative mitzvahs, such as the prohibitions against stealing or speaking negatively about others (lashon hara), prevent falling into the World of Estrangement. In addition to relationships with other people, the other two basic relationships are with God and with oneself. Although it is beyond the province of this article to illustrate how every mitzvah leads to the World of Connection, Rabbi Wolbe quotes the Talmudic sage Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya, who said, “Life is for love,” and then explains: “This is the message of the Torah … the essence of life is love. For this we are called to build a World of Connection through our Torah and our Mitzvot. This is the entire Torah.”

USING THE GPS

So there I was at the fundraising dinner, sulking, resentful, and critical, my mind full of escalating recriminations against Joan. (Why does she always have to act like that? No wonder she doesn’t have any friends! ) Everybody around me was having a good time, but I was wandering aimlessly in the Land of the Livid. I wanted to find my way out. So I decided to use the Spiritual GPS.

Step 1: Identify your location: That was easy. I was sad, angry, and critical, which meant that I was in the World of Estrangement.

Step 2: Choose your destination: I chose to go to the World of Connection. Even though Joan was the initial instigator, it was my choice to dwell in the World of Estrangement. I decided to forfeit my right to stew. The World of Estrangement is, as its initials indicate, a place of WOE. Choosing to stay there would have been like standing in the living room of a rat infested house with the toilet leaking foul-smelling waste everywhere and waving my deed to the house as I insist on my right to stay there. Would any sane person consciously make that choice?

Step 3: Plot your course through an act of giving: Any act of giving would have worked. It did not have to be to the person who had offended me. I could have turned to the woman sitting next to me and given her a compliment about her suit. But as long as I was traveling to the World of Connection, I wanted to go first class. So I got up, walked across the hall, found Joan, stood behind her chair, leaned over, planted a big kiss on her cheek and said, “I love you and I don’t want to be estranged from you.” Presto! I was in the World of Connection.

Note: Until the actual moment when I gave her a kiss, I did not love Joan. How could I? I was in the World of Estrangement. (When you’re in the World of Estrangement, you can’t love anyone.) But waiting to make up until you love the person you’re estranged from is like waiting for wildflowers to bloom in central Antarctica. Just as Antarctica has no wildflowers, the World of Estrangement has no love. Giving a kiss catapults you into the World of Connection where love blooms aplenty.

You may be wondering: how did Joan respond? The truth is, it doesn't matter; the other person’s actions do not determine my choice of which world I want to inhabit. But Joan did look up at me, smiled, and said, “I love you, too.”

I could have spent the evening (or a week) fuming inside the Paris airport. Instead, my GPS showed me the way to the exit.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Sara Yoheved Rigler is the author of Heavenprints, as well as the bestsellers: God Winked: Tales and Lessons from my Spiritual Adventures, Holy Woman, Lights from Jerusalem, and Battle Plans: How to Fight the Yetzer Hara (with Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller). She is a popular international lecturer on subjects of Jewish spirituality. She has given lectures and workshops in Israel, England, Switzerland, South Africa, Mexico, Chile, Canada, and over thirty American cities. A graduate of Brandeis University, after fifteen years of practicing and teaching meditation and Eastern philosophy, she discovered "the world's most hidden religion: Torah Judaism." Since 1985, she has been living as a Torah-observant Jew in the Old City of Jerusalem with her husband and two children. She presents a highly-acclaimed Marriage Workshop for women [seewww.kesherwife.com] as well as a Gratitude Workshop. To invite her to your community, please write to info@sararigler.com.

Visitor Comments: 35

(35)
Raisy,
December 2, 2013 8:15 PM

Life is for love

Hi, Does anyone know the source of this quote? "Rabbi Wolbe quotes the Talmudic sage Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya, who said, “Life is for love,” I checked the source from Rabbi Leib Keleman who writes a similar quote from a rav, (Unnamed) who quotes from the Ibn Ezra. I checked that in D'varim and on the words L'ahava the Ibn Ezra writes "ha'ikar" . It would seem that he means that love is the main thing. The Ibn Ezra does not say "life is for love" Does anyone know where Rabbi Elazar ben Azarya says it?

(34)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2013 3:31 PM

Thank you this is one for me!

(33)
Anonymous,
November 4, 2013 7:42 PM

Excellent!

Thank you! This is a great article. I wish I could keep it handy.

(32)
CPerdomo,
November 3, 2013 8:38 PM

Excellent article

Thank you!

(31)
bradseruya,
November 3, 2013 6:06 PM

best article I ever read.you just
taught me a big life lesson.
thank you!

(30)
Anonymous,
November 3, 2013 5:30 PM

Yes but don't be a pushover

I live by this and have practiced it. Many people have taken advantage of me as a pushover. See that your GPS shows you clear boundaries. Its a very narrow bridge.

(29)
Alice,
November 3, 2013 4:56 PM

Thank you

You're article is so true and so well written. Thank you so much. Feels like this article was written just for me. Please keep writing, you are very inspiring and helpful.

(28)
Chris C.,
March 10, 2013 11:21 PM

Advice for to live by every day!

Thank you for this great article. I wish I had read it years ago after a conflict I had with an old friend.

I often fall into the World of Estrangement. I now have

a plan to get back to the World of Connection.

(27)
Mike,
March 10, 2013 7:04 PM

No one excluded

Few articles can be universally applied-this one can!

(26)
Diane McKillop,
March 8, 2011 7:11 PM

Love you

I just love the way G-d uses you in my life .......and you don't even know me! You have shown me how to put praying for my enemies into action, and I thank you so much.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 28, 2011 8:53 AM

brilliant

I always enjoy your articles but this one is really special thanks

(24)
Lindamusic,
December 27, 2010 7:34 PM

Your explanation in this simplistic form makes perfect sense to me. I must be going back and forth from one world to the other most of the time. No wonder I often feel confused! Your thoughts affect your feelings and your actions affects your thoughts and feelings. Thank you for your helpful insight. I look forward to reading more of your articles.

(23)
lisa,
December 19, 2010 6:34 AM

WOE is not me!!!

You make it sound so easy......how many of us would go & kiss "Joan?" Not many.....however I connected to your list of adjectives in living in the world of WOE. We do have a choice...sometimes not so easy.....but we do have to make a conscious effert to move ourselves into the World of Connection....even if we are surrounded by WOE people!! You have made it much easier to do so!! Thank you!!!

(22)
Anonymous,
December 18, 2010 6:44 PM

This article was exactly what I needed to start my week.

A truly powerful article.

(21)
RW,
December 17, 2010 5:01 AM

Thank You!

I cannot tell you how deeply I felt this article as I recognized the connected or estranged places I've visited. Thank you for the navigational aids that will help me find my way back to the beautiful, connected places when I need to find them.

(20)
david,
December 16, 2010 4:07 PM

where is the R'Wolbe article

fantastic article!
could you tell me where in R'Wolbe's booksi could read this idea in it's original format?
thanks

(19)
Jeanne,
December 16, 2010 4:44 AM

What a wonderfully succinct way to illustrate these dichotomous states, and how true. They are mutually exclusive.
A very useful tool- assess whereryou are- ask- do I want to get out of pain? Yes? Then move yourself to the light- but YOU MUST DO IT.
Thanks for a wonderful piece

(18)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2010 9:49 PM

liked it

(17)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2010 2:55 PM

Sustainable?

I really like your GPS. It is sensible and emes. What I want most of all is that it is sustainable. Would you agree that in order to build the underlying foundation, it might help to be augmented with deep spirituality such as Chassidus? If not, how do you suggest that it can be made strong enough to stand on its own to cause permanent change? From my experience, I tried the tools of transformation for many years. It all helped, but eventually all of the traits returned. I am finally on my way after 10 years of great efforts to internalize the sprit of Judaism through Chassidus. I would really like to hear your opinion. Your work is great. I can't wait to hear more of what you are thinking.

(16)
PierreFranz,
December 15, 2010 9:20 AM

@Just the right time...at 4:07AM...

Did I wake up out of the blue just to start up my laptop and read this piece out of need for a quick does of Torah oddly applicable to my life? No, for Arvit at the last minute - but this indeed was precisely what I needed to hear. Escalating incidents, seeming resolution and epic meltdown with a coworker have left me concerned about my sanity and ability to move a productive direction in life at large. Recently unearthed revelations clarified my sanity and also the nature of coworker's role in the course of events. Though those revelations may matter in ways removed from my immediate control, do they matter for what I DO? Thoughts are not so direct as actions - and the positive acts that move me from the world of estrangement to the world of connection hopefully will effect my thoughts and future deeds - the coworker's past and future thoughts and deeds aside (perhaps being the most important point for me to learn).

(15)
Anonymous,
December 15, 2010 2:23 AM

I can see both the faces and the vase at the same time. Does that make me cross-eyed? Great article too.

(14)
,
December 14, 2010 7:54 PM

Hi, Your words are so true and relevent to my current situation. Many thanks,
Larry

(13)
Marianne,
December 14, 2010 7:08 PM

Wow! So wonderfully and simply stated! These words have made an immediate difference in my life at a time when I was struggling with this very topic. Thank you!

(12)
Anonymous,
December 14, 2010 11:58 AM

Ive been stuck in that world for 30 years and can't get out.

(11)
Arthur,
December 14, 2010 11:38 AM

NIce

Beautifully put together Mrs. Rigler, Thank you.

(10)
Anonymous,
December 14, 2010 5:55 AM

Thank you.
Brigitte

(9)
Bob Hensler,
December 14, 2010 1:21 AM

Complicated stuff, well explained.

Thanks for this article. It explains in easily understood terms a deep truth. If I am inhabited by two dogs... one vicous and mean, and one peaceful and loving, the dog that grows is the one I feed.

(8)
Anonymous,
December 13, 2010 3:49 AM

Beautiful!

I recently heard Sarah Yocheved Rigler speak in Baltimore. Her words and perspective never fail to move me. How empowering that we create our own own reality! Thank you SYR, for sharing your wisdom with us.

(7)
Anonymous,
December 13, 2010 1:47 AM

Just when I needed it

Mrs. Rigler,
Somehow you always know what to say to move me to tears. Your own admission of human-ness lets me own up to mine, especially when I am too ashamed to confront my inadequacies. Although I think of myself as generally above pettiness, I recently had occasion to feel slighted at being left out of something to which I assumed I'd be included. Your article gave me a roadmap to help me get out of this sour and bitter feeling that is really, as you so eloquently say, a choice I am making.

(6)
Ginette Cohen,
December 13, 2010 12:41 AM

It illustrates the Plato Cavern

It is so difficult to pull out people from the Dark to the Light.
Love is a gift from God and some people are not able to love. your explanation is easy to understand and it may help people to choose the world of connection to be able to find Joy, Happiness and the real Love that means giving.

(5)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2010 11:38 PM

Wonderful wisdom thank you

Wonderful wisdom thanks

(4)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2010 3:31 PM

Thanks

Dear Rebbetzin Rigler,
Thank you for this article.
Sometimes a person knows certain truths. But until those truths are defined, acting on them is not nearly as meaningful as when they are. Your writing is uplifting.
Thank you for your clarity, for providing a road map.
It will be the pathway to the world of connection to many.

(3)
ruth housman,
December 12, 2010 3:00 PM

one letter apart: woe and woo

This is truly a beautiful explication of a truth that runs up and down all of our lives, for who hasn't experience this choice between feeling hurt and upset by another's actions and choosing to enter the land of I won't let this bother me, and I will choose love, even for the person who hurt me.
There isn't anything to add to this as really this beautiful piece, says it all, and so wonderfully.
With thanks for adding to my morning!

(2)
Anonymous,
December 12, 2010 1:06 PM

i heard you speak about this at the Partner's Conference... I was so blown away by its simplicity, yet its enormous impact on my life. Thank you for providing me with clarity about my choices and feelings, and showing me how I can navigate through this confusing world.

(1)
Tanya,
December 12, 2010 9:38 AM

Brilliant !

I always say the Torah is my GPS without it I am lost , literally and figuratively, have been studying Mussar on www.jewishpathways.com the article you wrote is a very good introduction....between conecting and alienating.
Have linked this to my facebook page so that all my friends can benefit :-)

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...