1. OK, time to get some work done.
2. So far, so good.
3. Ahh, there's nothing like peace and qu—
4. What was that?
5. Hmm, just a small cough.
6. No big deal.
7. If I concentrate really hard during the next hour, I'll have this presentation done.
8. Was that another cough?
9. Bro, get some Halls and calm down.
10. He sounds like Koffing from Pokémon.
11. Ooh, I forgot that's in my Netflix queue. Need to marathon that shit this weekend.
12. All right, get back to work.
13. WAS THAT ANOTHER FUCKING COUGH?!

]]>Stacey Granthttp://www.buzzfeed.com/staceygrant/dear-god-please-shut-the-hell-upWed, 25 Feb 2015 17:38:07 -0500<b>Don't you <i>dare</i> start whistling.</b>staceygrantnonadultnonadult1. OK, time to get some work done.
2. So far, so good.
3. Ahh, there's nothing like peace and qu—
4. What was that?
5. Hmm, just a small cough.
6. No big deal.
7. If I concentrate really hard during the next hour, I'll have this presentation done.
8. Was that <i>another</i> cough?
9. Bro, get some Halls and calm down.
10. He sounds like Koffing from <i>Pokémon</i>.
11. Ooh, I forgot that's in my Netflix queue. Need to marathon that shit this weekend.
12. All right, get back to work.
13. WAS THAT ANOTHER FUCKING COUGH?!nonadultnonadult14. OK, OK, be cool.
15. It's all gonna be good.
16. Just try to ignore it.
17. Wait, I think he stopped.
18. About damn time.
19. He should see a doctor for that. Jeez.
20. Ugh, now what's <i>that</i> sound?
21. Oh god. It's Nancy from HR humming.
22. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
23. She's the worst.
24. Like, the literal worst.nonadultnonadult25. Please stop, please stop, please stop.
26. Someone call the humming police.
27. We got a hummer over here.
28. Heh, "hummer."
29. OMG, focus.
30. Just try and block it out.
31. You can do this.
32. Mind over matter.
33. Or whatever that meditation crap's called.nonadultnonadult34. Stop looking at the clock.
35. God, I wish that clock would stop ticking so damn loudly.
36. How the hell can I get something done with that infernal ticking going on?!
37. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
38. Annoying as shit.
39. I'll smash it with a hammer!
40. Man, I love <i>The Emperor's New Groove</i>.
41. Holy crap. Homeboy next to me is clicking his pen.
42. I'm going to shove that pen down your throat in about five seconds.
43. Then kill you. They'll never find the body.nonadultnonadult44. Wait, that sound.
45. No...dear god, it can't be...
46. WHISTLING.
47. The bane of my existence.
48. I don't care what Dante says. The ninth circle of hell is filled with people whistling.
49. <i>Shrilly</i> whistling.
50. HOW IN GOD'S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO FINISH THIS PRESENTATION?!
51. And now those girls down the hall are cackling like banshees.
52. Seriously, they sound like they're in pain.
53. Maybe they are.
54. Well, SO AM I.nonadultnonadult55. Sir, you did <i>not</i> just put your headphones on full volume.
56. I don't want to hear "Shake It Off" for the 15th time today.
57. I'm gonna "hate, hate, hate" ON YOU very soon.
58. OMG, how the hell can that guy still be whistling?! Take. A. Breath.
59. Between the Taylor wannabe and whistler-boy, I'm gonna lose it.
60. And hey, pen clicker, STFU. Or that pen is going in your ass soon, I swear to all things holy.
61. And Nancy, hum a funeral dirge.
62. Because that's where you're going if you don't stop.nonadultnonadult63. Welp, this presentation's not getting done today. That's that.
64. No big deal. I'm only gonna get FIRED.
65. I hope all you assholes are fucking happy now!
66. I really should buy some noise-canceling headphones. And beat all of you over the head with them until I pass out from exhaustion.
67. Or just freelance from home. In my soundproof room. Alone.nonadultnonadultWhat It's Like Living With Depressionhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/jordanshalhoub/what-its-like-living-with-depression?utm_term=4ldqpia
It’s not easy, but you’re not alone.

1. Oh my god.
2. Oh my fucking god.
3. I am so hungover.
4. What did I do last night?
5. Why did I drink so much?
6. Did I drink that much?
::Attempts to count last night's drinks through the haze that is your epic hangover::
7. Yep.

]]>Leonora Epsteinhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/leonoraepstein/thoughts-everyone-with-a-hangover-hasSun, 22 Feb 2015 04:01:04 -0500<b>I am dying.</b> Literally, bye.leonoraepsteinnonadult1. Oh my god.
2. Oh my fucking god.
3. I am so hungover.
4. What did I do last night?
5. Why did I drink so much?
6. Did I drink that much?
::Attempts to count last night's drinks through the haze that is your epic hangover::
7. Yep.nonadultnonadult8. Oh god I think I might puke.
9. It's so bright in here. GO HOME, LIGHT.
10. Please don't talk to me.
11. No one ever talk to me again.
12. Please for the love of god stop texting me.
13. Stop TEXTING ME I AM NOT WELL, I SAY.nonadultnonadult14. It feels like the hammer of Thor went to town on my head.
15. How many brain cells do I have left?
16. None. Probably none.
17. I have done irreversible damage.
18. All in the name of partying.
19. All in the name of vodka Red Bull.
20. I am an idiot.nonadultnonadult21. I need all the water.
22. So much water.
23. This should help.
24. It's not helping.
25. ADVIL WHERE ARE YOU.
26. Food.
27. Food.
28. Me need food.nonadultnonadult29. Bacon. Eggs. Cheese. Roll.
30. Repeat.
31. Ugh, why did I eat that.
32. I feel even worse now.
33. WHY DID I EAT ALL THE GREASE.nonadultnonadult34. Going back to bed now.
35. Going back to bed forever.
36. OK, so much pain, I can't sleep.
::Googles "hangover remedies"::
37. OMG this is all bullshit. And way too complicated.nonadultnonadult38. I am dying.
39. I am officially dying.
40. Today might be my last day on earth.
41. Goodbye, world.
42. I am never drinking again.
43. But maybe some bloody marys couldn't hurt.nonadultnonadultWeird Thoughts You Might Have While Flyinghttp://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewilnyckyj/weird-thoughts-you-might-have-while-flying?utm_term=4ldqpia
Just a tube full of sleeping people shooting through the air. Nope! Nothing weird about that.

]]>Andrew Ilnyckyjhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewilnyckyj/weird-thoughts-you-might-have-while-flyingMon, 16 Feb 2015 20:30:12 -0500<b>Just a tube full of sleeping people shooting through the air.</b> Nope! Nothing weird about that.andrewilnyckyjnonadult86 Thoughts Every Woman's Had Dressing For Work When It's Coldhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/duvets-are-my-dior?utm_term=4ldqpia
Warm > professional.

Getty Images/iStockphoto OlgaMiltsova

*Alarm*

1. Uggghhhh it's so dark, it can't be morning.

2. Winter is evil.

3. 4C is it, iPhone? WTF to wear today?

4. Sassy > warm tho.

5. My nose is cold, I don't want to move anything out from under this duvet.

6. Imagine if you could wear your duvet to work like a cloak.

7. Which of my clothes are most like my duvet?

8. Babies are so lucky getting to wear those padded all-in-one duvet suits when they go out.

9. Babies never have to decide what to wear.

10. Babies don't even have to get out of bed.

11. Jammy bastards.

*gets out of bed*

12. Fuck, it's cold.

13. Sassy < warm.

14. I'm just gonna wear jeans and a jumper.

15. And tights under my jeans.

16. And a shirt and a t-shirt.

17. And a vest.

18. And boots.

19. UGG boots ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

20. Warm < really warm.

21. I am going to look like Paris Hilton if she was moonlighting as a student at Leeds.

22. UGH.

23. SO not srs badass bizniz woman.

24. What would Alicia Florrick wear? It's freezing in Chicago and she always looks so slick.

25. And how does Stella Gibson make all those silk blouses work without dying of hypothermia?

26. Fuck you TV, making people think dressing well in the cold is NBD.

27. Saga Noren's jumper game in The Bridge IS strong, tbf.

28. Fuck it, wearing a massive jumper.

29. A nice tailored mini-skirt and ankle boots will make it look srs.

30. So '90s.

31. So grunge-got-a-job.

31. Courtney Love at the office.

32. Just need thick tights.

33. Why are there no tights in my drawer? I own so many tights!

34. You'd think tights had committed a crime the way they hide.

35. Patterned tights kind of are a crime.

36. Never a shortage of them though, is there?

37. Wait here's a pair…

38. Great, a ladder.

39. Wear them anyway?

40.You're not actually Courtney Love.

41. Wonder how long Courtney would last in an office...

42. "Can I smoke in here?"

43. "Fuck you and your spreadsheets!"

44. Shit, is that the time?

45. There's definitely some black tights without ladders in the washing basket.

46. Fuck it, I'll just spray perfume on the feet.

47. OK the whole tights.

48. Warm > clean.

49. FML.

50. I'll distract with just red lipstick.

51. Nobody would expect a woman wearing glamorous lipstick to be wearing old tights.

63. Gonna be sweaty and wearing skanky old tights when I get to work. Cool.

64. ~Professional.

65. FINE, I'll just have to lose some layers for now.

66. OMG I did NOT mean to show my bra taking my jumper off then.

67. Sure, I'll just be the person doing a bus striptease on a Tuesday.

68. Don't you fucking wink at me, pervert.

69. "Did you get into work OK today, no bus troubs?"

70. "Great! Other than the public transport peep show" :|

71. Gah, nearly missed my stop amidst that clothing kerfuffle.

72. Ah, cool air feels good again though.

73. Especially against my red embarrassed face.

74. AGH left my scarf on the bus!

75. Seriously FML.

*arrives at work*

76. Why is there always one person at work who has the foresight to wear boots and socks to work and then change to nice shoes when safely indoors?

77. Why aren't I one of those people?

78. Bet they don't even lose all their good tights.

79. They DEFINITELY don't wear dirty ones.

80. So happy to see someone wearing what looks like all their clothes for warmth.

81. I feel you, wrap-up bud.

82. This office is FREEZING.

83. So happy I wore this jumper.

84. Jumper, you're my best friend.

85. I'm sorry I doubted you when you tried to embarrass us on the bus.

86.#jumpers4lyfe

]]>Laura Silverhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/laurasilver/duvets-are-my-diorFri, 06 Feb 2015 14:02:10 -0500<b>Warm &gt; professional.</b>laurasilvernonadultnonadult*Alarm*
1. Uggghhhh it's so dark, it can't be morning.
2. Winter is evil.
3. 4C is it, iPhone? WTF to wear today?
4. Sassy &gt; warm tho.
5. My nose is cold, I don't want to move anything out from under this duvet.
6. Imagine if you could wear your duvet to work like a cloak.
7. Which of my clothes are most like my duvet?
8. Babies are so lucky getting to wear those padded all-in-one duvet suits when they go out.
9. Babies never have to decide what to wear.
10. Babies don't even have to get out of bed.
11. Jammy bastards.
*gets out of bed*
12. Fuck, it's cold.
13. Sassy &lt; warm.
14. I'm just gonna wear jeans and a jumper.
15. And tights under my jeans.
16. And a shirt and a t-shirt.
17. And a vest.
18. And boots.
19. UGG boots ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
20. Warm &lt; really warm.
21. I am going to look like Paris Hilton if she was moonlighting as a student at Leeds.
22. UGH.
23. SO not srs badass bizniz woman.
24. What would Alicia Florrick wear? It's freezing in Chicago and she always looks so slick.
25. And how does Stella Gibson make all those silk blouses work without dying of hypothermia?
26. Fuck you TV, making people think dressing well in the cold is NBD.
27. Saga Noren's jumper game in <i>The Bridge</i> IS strong, tbf.
28. Fuck it, wearing a massive jumper.
29. A nice tailored mini-skirt and ankle boots will make it look srs.
30. So '90s.
31. So grunge-got-a-job.
31. Courtney Love at the office.
32. Just need thick tights.
33. Why are there no tights in my drawer? I own so many tights!
34. You'd think tights had committed a crime the way they hide.
35. Patterned tights kind of are a crime.
36. Never a shortage of them though, is there?
37. Wait here's a pair…
38. Great, a ladder.
39. Wear them anyway?
40.You're not actually Courtney Love.
41. Wonder how long Courtney would last in an office...
42. "Can I smoke in here?"
43. "Fuck you and your spreadsheets!"
44. Shit, is that the time?
45. There's definitely some black tights without ladders in the washing basket.
46. Fuck it, I'll just spray perfume on the feet.
47. OK the whole tights.
48. Warm &gt; clean.
49. FML.
50. I'll distract with just red lipstick.
51. Nobody would expect a woman wearing glamorous lipstick to be wearing old tights.
*leaves house*
52. Bloody hell, it's like the Arctic out here.
53. Must buy gloves.
54. Wonder how Kim Kardashian didn't die <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/kim-kardashian-feeling-her-furkini-look#.jh4LmxNVL">wearing that fur bikini</a>.
55. She did have matching furry boots...
56. What a pro.
57. So jealous of those boots rn.
*gets on bus*
58. Man, so happy this bus is warm.
59. OMG THIS BUS IS SO HOT IN ALL THESE LAYERS.
60. Why is nobody else pretty much undressing on this bus?
61. Do they just freeze when they're outside?
62. Are they made of stone?
63. Gonna be sweaty and wearing skanky old tights when I get to work. Cool.
64. ~Professional.
65. FINE, I'll just have to lose some layers for now.
66. OMG I did <i>NOT</i> mean to show my bra taking my jumper off then.
67. Sure, I'll just be the person doing a bus striptease on a Tuesday.
68. Don't you fucking wink at me, pervert.
69. "Did you get into work OK today, no bus troubs?"
70. "Great! Other than the public transport peep show" :|
71. Gah, nearly missed my stop amidst that clothing kerfuffle.
72. Ah, cool air feels good again though.
73. Especially against my red embarrassed face.
74. AGH left my scarf on the bus!
75. Seriously FML.
*arrives at work*
76. Why is there always one person at work who has the foresight to wear boots and socks to work and then change to nice shoes when safely indoors?
77. Why aren't I one of those people?
78. Bet they don't even lose all their good tights.
79. They DEFINITELY don't wear dirty ones.
80. So happy to see someone wearing what looks like all their clothes for warmth.
81. I feel you, wrap-up bud.
82. This office is FREEZING.
83. So happy I wore this jumper.
84. Jumper, you're my best friend.
85. I'm sorry I doubted you when you tried to embarrass us on the bus.
86.#jumpers4lyfenonadultThoughts You Have While Taking A Selfiehttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/thoughts-you-have-while-taking-a-selfie?utm_term=4ldqpia
“Can I pull off mysterious?”

]]>Ashly Perezhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/thoughts-you-have-while-taking-a-selfieThu, 05 Feb 2015 18:00:14 -0500<b>"Can I pull off mysterious?"</b>ashleypereznonadultThoughts You Have While Getting A Haircuthttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/thoughts-you-have-while-getting-a-haircut?utm_term=4ldqpia
The long and the short of it… the hair, that is.

]]>Ashly Perezhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/thoughts-you-have-while-getting-a-haircutTue, 03 Feb 2015 02:31:05 -0500<b>The long and the short of it... the hair, that is.</b>ashleypereznonadult68 Thoughts You Have During A Blizzardhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/vallyourpal/68-thoughts-you-have-during-a-blizzard-18plw?utm_term=4ldqpia
“Well I guess there’s no bread left.”

1. Neat! Snow is coming.
2. Oh okay LOTS of snow.
3. I bet I get to work from home on Tuesday.
4. Man I wish I were back in high school and I could just goof off with my friends the whole day.
5. Dammit, why did I have to grow up?
6. Ooh, 4 texts from mom!
7. Do I have spare water reserves? What? Mom calm down, it is not that serious.
8. Oh wait. Okay emergency alert from Apple.
9. I guess it is that serious.
10. Maybe I will make a quick Trader Joe's run.
11. Good god, what are all these people standing outside for? Can't you idiots see it's snowing?
12. Oh. That is the line to get into Trader Joe's.
13. Ah. So I will have to stand in that line. I see.
14. Well, let's just see how long it takes.
15. This is fun. Me and all the hipsters.
16. Okay wait did that girl in the beanie just walk out with groceries and a bouquet of flowers?!?
17. Yeah cause whenever a devastating winter storm hits my hood, I'm like, shit, man, where's my lovely floral arrangement??
18. Screw this, I'm making a CVS run instead,
19. Huh. It appears as though every other human in the city had the same idea as me.
20. Well I guess there's no bread left.
21. Why do people think bread is great storm food? What about Cheez-It's? They will last just as long.
22. Same goes for Oreos, so I'm getting some of those. You know, to balance out the flavor palette of the Cheez-Its.
23. Annnnd no water. You know what, iced tea is mostly water.
24. And so is beer!
25. I feel like I deserve this six-pack because, you know, it's made from wheat, and I didn't get any bread earlier.

26. I like how my phone keeps blowing up with texts but it's really just my mom asking me if I have candles.
27. This cashier is judging me so hard RN.
28. WELL, MAM IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING OUT OF BREAD.
29. Okay wow yeah it's really snowing. I can barely see.
30. What if I got stranded out here?
31. How would anyone find me?
32. They would just follow the pinging of my phone as my mom texted me every 3 minutes.
33. But honestly, I can't see more than two feet in front of me. I feel like it's time to call in some St. Bernards.
34. What do they keep in those little barrels around their necks?
35. Bread, the ultimate storm food, probably.
36. Yaaaaassss boss just emailed telling us to work from home tomorrow.
37. *wakes up, looks outside*
38. Holy mother, it is all the scenes from Frozen combined.
39. This is sort of beautiful.
40. I like how on Facebook, for every east coaster being like "I MAY NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE" some cute Midwesterner has to be like "um, we call dis summer bbq weather, bro."
41. Haha yes. That's only the 12th "Juno it's snowing?" tweet I've seen. Very funny, Lori, I'm sure you came up with that all on your own.
42. Omg there's a snapchat geofilter for this blizzard.
43. And now everyone thinks they're the first person to discover it. Ugh.
44. Well working from home is completely boring after the first two hours.

]]>VallYourPalhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/vallyourpal/68-thoughts-you-have-during-a-blizzard-18plwTue, 27 Jan 2015 21:31:04 -0500<b>"Well I guess there's no bread left."</b>vallyourpalnonadult1. Neat! Snow is coming.
2. Oh okay LOTS of snow.
3. I bet I get to work from home on Tuesday.
4. Man I wish I were back in high school and I could just goof off with my friends the whole day.
5. Dammit, why did I have to grow up?
6. Ooh, 4 texts from mom!
7. Do I have spare water reserves? What? Mom calm down, it is not that serious.
8. Oh wait. Okay emergency alert from Apple.
9. I guess it is that serious.
10. Maybe I will make a quick Trader Joe's run.
11. Good god, what are all these people standing outside for? Can't you idiots see it's snowing?
12. Oh. That is the line to get into Trader Joe's.
13. Ah. So I will have to stand in that line. I see.
14. Well, let's just see how long it takes.
15. This is fun. Me and all the hipsters.
16. Okay wait did that girl in the beanie just walk out with groceries and a bouquet of flowers?!?
17. Yeah cause whenever a devastating winter storm hits my hood, I'm like, shit, man, where's my lovely floral arrangement??
18. Screw this, I'm making a CVS run instead,
19. Huh. It appears as though every other human in the city had the same idea as me.
20. Well I guess there's no bread left.
21. Why do people think bread is great storm food? What about Cheez-It's? They will last just as long.
22. Same goes for Oreos, so I'm getting some of those. You know, to balance out the flavor palette of the Cheez-Its.
23. Annnnd no water. You know what, iced tea is mostly water.
24. And so is beer!
25. I feel like I deserve this six-pack because, you know, it's made from wheat, and I didn't get any bread earlier.nonadultnonadult26. I like how my phone keeps blowing up with texts but it's really just my mom asking me if I have candles.
27. This cashier is judging me so hard RN.
28. WELL, MAM IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING OUT OF BREAD.
29. Okay wow yeah it's really snowing. I can barely see.
30. What if I got stranded out here?
31. How would anyone find me?
32. They would just follow the pinging of my phone as my mom texted me every 3 minutes.
33. But honestly, I can't see more than two feet in front of me. I feel like it's time to call in some St. Bernards.
34. What do they keep in those little barrels around their necks?
35. Bread, the ultimate storm food, probably.
36. Yaaaaassss boss just emailed telling us to work from home tomorrow.
37. *wakes up, looks outside*
38. Holy mother, it is all the scenes from <i>Frozen</i> combined.
39. This is sort of beautiful.
40. I like how on Facebook, for every east coaster being like "I MAY NOT MAKE IT OUT ALIVE" some cute Midwesterner has to be like "um, we call dis summer bbq weather, bro."
41. Haha yes. That's only the 12th "Juno it's snowing?" tweet I've seen. Very funny, Lori, I'm sure you came up with that all on your own.
42. Omg there's a snapchat geofilter for this blizzard.
43. And now everyone thinks they're the first person to discover it. Ugh.
44. Well working from home is completely boring after the first two hours.nonadultnonadult45. I miss the free coffee. I miss my work friends. I miss the cute guy on my floor. I miss everything.
46. Ugh, colleague. No. I don't want to have a conference call to discuss your memo. I want to nap on my couch is what I want.
47. Oh COOL my friend in grad school has a snow day and wants to have a snowball fight in Central Park.
48. Sorry LARRY, I can't come. No, Larry, because I decided it was time to grow the fuck up and pay my own bills.
49. I'm sorry, Larry. That was harsh. My cruel words are born out of sheer jealousy.
50. Why is everyone signing their emails with a cutesy "stay warm! :)"?
51. Clearly, I am indoors, replying to your emails. Of course I am staying warm.
52. Okay wait this blizzard means my favorite Thai place isn't delivering?
53. Well that's just annoying.
54. If I see another Instagram of someone's artistic coffee with snow in the background, I will literally unfollow everyone.
55. Ah, Mike from Tinder just texted me. He wants to know if I need any help staying warm.
56. GOOD ONE, Mike from Tinder.
57. I'm not going to make that mistake again. And certainly not twice.
58. Ugh this work day is inching by.
59. My cat is literally the worst coworker. Dude, my keyboard is not your purrsonal space heater.
60. Okay it stopped snowing, I can def go outside now.
61. Because THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY.
62. No jk eff that, it's freezing.
63. Mere humans weren't meant to be exposed to such frigid climates!!
64. Okay hold up. There are literally 8 inches of snow on the ground.
65. Seriously, New York?
66. Bill DeBlasio, are you kidding me?
67. Better luck next year, Mother Nature.
68. Cuz Juno the Blizzard WAS SNOW PROBLEM.nonadult23 Statements That Will Make You Rethink The World Around Youhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/lukebailey/technology-is-weird-yo?utm_term=4ldqpia
You could illegally download Lego right now.

"Naughty" red velvet macaroon recipe. OK stop.

This is how to be naughty with cake, take note: Putting your tit on someone's birthday cake and mushing it around, thereby destroying the cake? That's naughty. Throwing a pavlova off a balcony, because YOLO? Also naughty.

]]>Eleanor Margolishttp://www.buzzfeed.com/eleanormargolis/thoughts-lesbians-have-while-reading-womens-mags-15n3vThu, 22 Jan 2015 10:16:06 -0500<b>Whose reality is this, even?</b>eleanormargolisnonadultDoes he ever not look like he's guarding a very gross secret? Is that part of his appeal?nonadultI just read an article on replacing carbs with kale and took mental notes. Question answered. #NotAllLesbiansnonadultLike, frighteningly fit. Straight girls, you're noticing this too, right?
Oh no, you're too busy trying to work out what Ryan Gosling's gross secret is. If you're not looking at Alexa Chung and at least thinking, "maybe...", I will never completely understand you.nonadultThis is how to be naughty with cake, take note: Putting your tit on someone's birthday cake and mushing it around, thereby destroying the cake? That's naughty. Throwing a pavlova off a balcony, because YOLO? Also naughty.
Eating cake? Not at all naughty.nonadultMmmmmm... scantily clad woman who may or may not contribute to a culture that objectifies conventionally attractive women and shames the ones who don't conform to a unachievable status quo dictated by men.
Either way, being a woman is cool because no one can see your public boners.nonadultWe have so little to call our own these days (what with everyone being a little bit gay). Just let us keep unflattering plaid shirts and comfy shoes, yeah?
Ugh, you're not even doing it right. Stop tainting our look with adorableness.nonadultOK, I'll read it anyway. I regret having read that. I regret it deeply.
Maybe I can forget about it with this delicious banana. Oh. Of ALL the places you could put a penis. Seriously.nonadultActually, he wouldn't even need to ask that nicely. I'll warm up YouTube for us, Idris.nonadultHaven't seen this much pink since, well... you know when.nonadultRepeat after me, va-gi-na.nonadultThese headlines seem to suggest that they all have a personal cheerleader rooting for Team Them.
Lesbians don't have personal cheerleaders. We have personal hockey players who sometimes swear at us. Which is actually better. Trust me.nonadultOK, these questions aren't super-relevant to my lifestyle. None of these is my favourite sexual position, dammit.
Wait, how did I get "Adam"?nonadult*the perfect penis is no penisnonadultThanks for trying, <i>Cosmopolitan</i>, we really appreciate it, but we don't... hang on a sec. Some of these aren't half bad.
Oh fuck, I'm getting sex advice from <i>Cosmo</i>. The horror.nonadultYou'd think it were the 21st century, or something. When did this start happening? Why was this not discussed at the most recent Coming Together Of All The Lesbians?
That'll do <i>Cosmo</i>, that'll do.nonadultWeird Thoughts You Have In The Showerhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/sararubin/weird-thoughts-you-have-in-the-shower?utm_term=4ldqpia
Wait, how long have I been in here?

]]>Sara Rubinhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/sararubin/weird-thoughts-you-have-in-the-showerWed, 21 Jan 2015 02:46:06 -0500<b>Wait, how long have I been in here?</b>sararubinnonadult42 Thoughts Everyone Has On Instagramhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/thoughts-everyone-has-on-instagram?utm_term=4ldqpia
Your thoughts with #NoFilter.

Lifetime

1. Wow, this picture's really cute! I'm going to upload it to Instagram.
2. My friend's going to kill me, because they look terrible but I look so good.
3. Should I hold off until tomorrow morning for more likes?
4. *opens Instagram* Oh my god that cat picture is so cute. *double tap*
5. Jenny has to see THIS. *presses the comment button and tags friend's name*
6. *scrolls* Ew.
7. *scrolls* I thought I unfollowed you.
8. *scrolls* Great, another workout pic from Katie.
9. *scrolls* Wait who is that hot person with Laura?
10. *clicks to profile* Wow, this person is really fucking hot. I wonder if they're single.
11. *accidentally double taps on picture from 36 weeks ago* SHIT! NO! UNDO!

fuse

12. Well that's great. I hope they don't have push notifications.
13. Wait, what was I doing again?
14. Oh right, posting that picture.
15. Not to be full of myself, but I look really cute in this.
16. All right, time to choose a filter.
17. OMG is this a new filter? I feel like I haven't seen it before.
18. "Slumber," "Mayfair," "Rise" — what kind of names are these? Who thinks of these names?
19. I want that job.
20. Oh, Valencia! Always a safe choice.
21. Damn, this might be the best picture I've ever taken. *presses the next button*

]]>Candace Lowryhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/thoughts-everyone-has-on-instagramSat, 17 Jan 2015 01:00:13 -0500<b>Your thoughts with #NoFilter.</b>candacelowrynonadultnonadult1. Wow, this picture's really cute! I'm going to upload it to Instagram.
2. My friend's going to kill me, because they look terrible but I look so good.
3. Should I hold off until tomorrow morning for more likes?
4. *opens Instagram* Oh my god that cat picture is so cute. *double tap*
5. Jenny has to see THIS. *presses the comment button and tags friend's name*
6. *scrolls* Ew.
7. *scrolls* I thought I unfollowed you.
8. *scrolls* Great, another workout pic from Katie.
9. *scrolls* Wait who is that hot person with Laura?
10. *clicks to profile* Wow, this person is really fucking hot. I wonder if they're single.
11. *accidentally double taps on picture from 36 weeks ago* SHIT! NO! UNDO!nonadultnonadult12. Well that's great. I hope they don't have push notifications.
13. Wait, what was I doing again?
14. Oh right, posting that picture.
15. Not to be full of myself, but I look really cute in this.
16. All right, time to choose a filter.
17. OMG is this a new filter? I feel like I haven't seen it before.
18. "Slumber," "Mayfair," "Rise" — what kind of names are these? Who thinks of these names?
19. I want that job.
20. Oh, Valencia! Always a safe choice.
21. Damn, this might be the best picture I've ever taken. *presses the next button*nonadultnonadult22. How can I make a clever caption out of this?
23. God, why is this so hard?
24. On second thought, I don't think I'm going to go with Valencia.
25. *taps back arrow* OK, hmmm what's a good option?
26. Who uses Nashville anymore... or Kelvin?
27. What ever happened to those frames you could choose from? I miss those…
28. OK, X-Pro II it is. COOL. *presses next button*
29. Hmmm "Write a caption..." "This girl..."
30. No… "Girls night out." Yes, that's short and simple.
31. Do I tag her? She really doesn't look that good...
32. … But what if she gets mad if I don't tag her?
33. OK I'm just going to tag her and hope she doesn't ask me to take it down.nonadultnonadult34. If I name the location, does it make me seem like I want people to know where I was?
35. What if someone really creepy finds my profile and seeks me out?
36. Nah, I won't put a location.
37. Should I upload it to Facebook?
38. If I do, my mom's going to see my drink and totally ask me what I was doing.
39. But I look so good and I want my ex to see.
40. All right, I'm going to upload it to Facebook and block my mom from seeing it. *presses share button*
41. *waits 30 seconds* STILL NOT ONE LIKE?!
42. Shit, I should have used VSCOcam.nonadultnonadult83 Things Every Early Person Has Thoughthttp://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/things-ever-early-person-has-thought?utm_term=4ldqpia
OK, it’s three minutes past – where is this bitch?

Flo Perry / BuzzFeed

1. It says on Google Maps it'll take me 35 minutes to get there.

2. On Citymapper it says 40.

3. I'll leave 45 because going up Oxford Street on the bus in a nightmare at this time.

4. SHIT IT'S 10 PAST I HAVE TO LEAVE IN FIVE MINUTES.

5. I DON'T HAVE MY SHOES ON YET.

6. OR MY BAG READY.

7. OK, so getting my shoes on didn't take as long as I thought, so I'm ready to go with two minutes to spare.

8. Might as well leave, I'm just standing here overheating in my coat.

9. I can take my time now.

10. I have all the time in the world.

11. SHIT, that's my bus.

12. RUN.

13. Shit, I'm so hot in this coat.

14. Shouldn't have brought a brolly – it's weighing me down.

15. Phew, on the bus.

16. And it's only 20 past.

17. Lots of seats on this bus – thought it would be busier at this time.

18. We've been at this bus stop quite a while.

19. Shall I ask what's going on?

20. If we stay here for another 10 minutes I could be late.

21. "Sorry for the delay." TOO RIGHT YOU'RE SORRY.

22. Woo, we're speeding.

23. And it's only half past! I'll probably be on time.

24. Ooh, this looks like a traffic jam.

25. Pedestrians are just walking on the road while I am sat completely still.

26. Maybe I should get out and walk.

27. Would it be quicker to walk?

28. If it's solid on Oxford Street it will definitely be quicker to walk.

29. Oh, we're moving.

30. Oh, look at that, it was a red light.

31. Well, Oxford Street is remarkably empty for a Tuesday afternoon.

32. I really would have thought there would be more traffic.

33. And roadworks.

34. There are always roadworks...

35. ...but not today.

36. Look at that, it's my stop.

37. Well, I'm 10 minutes early.

38. Now I can relax.

39. So much better than being late.

40. I'll just browse the shops.

41. Maybe look for somewhere to sit down.

42. Why aren't there more public benches?

43. CRAP, I don't get signal in the shop – what if Emma called me?

44. OK, it's five to.

45. Can I text her?

46. She's not even meant to be here yet.

47. But like...I could text her, just to see where she is.

48. No, I'll wait.

49. OK, three minutes until she has to be here.

50. I'll start composing a text.

51. "Hey where are you? I'm standing outside Topshop like we said :) xoxo"

52. OK, it's one minute to.

53. I'll send it.

54. It will take a while to get there anyway.

55. What if she walks past me?

56. I'll stand right by the curb.

57. I'm unmissable.

58. She still hasn't read my text.

59. That's a good sign.

60. She's busy power-walking to meet me.

61. OK, it's three minutes past – where is this bitch?

62. Seriously.

63. It's starting to rain.

64. Lucky I brought that umbrella.

65. I bet Emma is enjoying the thought of me in the rain.

66. Four minutes past.

67. I'll call her.

68. OH em gee, straight to voicemail.

69. That twat is on the tube still.

70. If the tubes are delayed I'll be here all day.

71. My socks will get wet.

72. It's five minutes past.

73. She's now officially late.

74. Unbelievable.

75. Who does this?

76. Shall I call her again?

77. I mean, she is only five minutes late.

78. Maybe she couldn't find a brolly when she was leaving the house.

79. Cut her some slack.

80. Oh my god, six minutes.

81. That bitch…

82. "HI EMMA."

83. "No, I haven't been waiting long, don't worry about it."

]]>Flo Perryhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/floperry/things-ever-early-person-has-thoughtWed, 14 Jan 2015 08:16:06 -0500<b>OK, it's three minutes past – where is this bitch?</b>floperrynonadultnonadult1. It says on Google Maps it'll take me 35 minutes to get there.
2. On Citymapper it says 40.
3. I'll leave 45 because going up Oxford Street on the bus in a nightmare at this time.
4. SHIT IT'S 10 PAST I HAVE TO LEAVE IN FIVE MINUTES.
5. I DON'T HAVE MY SHOES ON YET.
6. OR MY BAG READY.
7. OK, so getting my shoes on didn't take as long as I thought, so I'm ready to go with two minutes to spare.
8. Might as well leave, I'm just standing here overheating in my coat.
9. I can take my time now.
10. I have all the time in the world.
11. SHIT, that's my bus.
12. RUN.
13. Shit, I'm so hot in this coat.
14. Shouldn't have brought a brolly – it's weighing me down.
15. Phew, on the bus.
16. And it's only 20 past.
17. Lots of seats on this bus – thought it would be busier at this time.
18. We've been at this bus stop quite a while.
19. Shall I ask what's going on?
20. If we stay here for another 10 minutes I could be late.
21. "Sorry for the delay." TOO RIGHT YOU'RE SORRY.
22. Woo, we're speeding.
23. And it's only half past! I'll probably be on time.
24. Ooh, this looks like a traffic jam.
25. Pedestrians are just walking on the road while I am sat completely still.
26. Maybe I should get out and walk.
27. Would it be quicker to walk?
28. If it's solid on Oxford Street it will definitely be quicker to walk.
29. Oh, we're moving.
30. Oh, look at that, it was a red light.
31. Well, Oxford Street is remarkably empty for a Tuesday afternoon.
32. I really would have thought there would be more traffic.
33. And roadworks.
34. There are always roadworks...
35. ...but not today.
36. Look at that, it's my stop.
37. Well, I'm 10 minutes early.
38. Now I can relax.
39. So much better than being late.
40. I'll just browse the shops.
41. Maybe look for somewhere to sit down.
42. Why aren't there more public benches?
43. CRAP, I don't get signal in the shop – what if Emma called me?
44. OK, it's five to.
45. Can I text her?
46. She's not even meant to be here yet.
47. But like...I could text her, just to see where she is.
48. No, I'll wait.
49. OK, three minutes until she has to be here.
50. I'll start composing a text.
51. "Hey where are you? I'm standing outside Topshop like we said :) xoxo"
52. OK, it's one minute to.
53. I'll send it.
54. It will take a while to get there anyway.
55. What if she walks past me?
56. I'll stand right by the curb.
57. I'm unmissable.
58. She still hasn't read my text.
59. That's a good sign.
60. She's busy power-walking to meet me.
61. OK, it's three minutes past – where is this bitch?
62. Seriously.
63. It's starting to rain.
64. Lucky I brought that umbrella.
65. I bet Emma is enjoying the thought of me in the rain.
66. Four minutes past.
67. I'll call her.
68. OH em gee, straight to voicemail.
69. That twat is on the tube still.
70. If the tubes are delayed I'll be here all day.
71. My socks will get wet.
72. It's five minutes past.
73. She's now officially late.
74. Unbelievable.
75. Who does this?
76. Shall I call her again?
77. I mean, she is only five minutes late.
78. Maybe she couldn't find a brolly when she was leaving the house.
79. Cut her some slack.
80. Oh my god, six minutes.
81. That bitch…
82. "HI EMMA."
83. "No, I haven't been waiting long, don't worry about it."nonadult49 Thoughts You Have When You Go To Catholic Midnight Mass On Christmashttp://www.buzzfeed.com/norbertobriceno/yo-jesus-im-sleepy?utm_term=4ldqpia
A conversation with Jesus Christ.

Press play, then continue...

1. It's so... crowded.
2. Hopefully we can find a seat.
3. There are no seats left.
4. This is the worst.
5. I guess I'll just stand and lean against this wall.
6. Would Jesus reeeeeeeeally want us here at midnight?
7. I don't think he would mind if we showed up at noon... on his birthday.
8. Noon seems like a more reasonable hour.
9. I'm sleepy.
10. I hope Jesus isn't listening to what I'm thinking right now.

]]>Norberto Brice&ntilde;ohttp://www.buzzfeed.com/norbertobriceno/yo-jesus-im-sleepySat, 20 Dec 2014 14:01:04 -0500<b>A conversation with Jesus Christ.</b>norbertobricenononadultnonadult1. It's so... crowded.
2. Hopefully we can find a seat.
3. There are no seats left.
4. This is the worst.
5. I guess I'll just stand and lean against this wall.
6. Would Jesus reeeeeeeeally want us here at midnight?
7. I don't think he would mind if we showed up at noon... on his birthday.
8. Noon seems like a more reasonable hour.
9. I'm sleepy.
10. I hope Jesus isn't listening to what I'm thinking right now.nonadultnonadult11. HOLY SHI-
12. SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS!nonadultnonadultnonadult13. ...
14. I totally forgot to drink some coffee...
15. What if I left and got some?
16. Jesus, would you be angry if I left and got some coffee?nonadultnonadult17. Fine. I won't go.
18. I'll just stand here for an hour and a half.
19. I hear some Midnight Masses go on for two hours.
20. That's crazy.
21. Jesus, don't you think that's a little bit crazy?nonadultnonadult22. I like how the church is decked out for Christmas.
23. They really go out for your birthday.nonadultnonadult24. Just OK? If they had this year-round, I'd totally come to church more often.
25. I mean — I'm not saying that church is boring or anything—
26. WAIT!nonadultnonadult27. I take that back. My bad.nonadultnonadult28. Is it bad that I'm not even listening to the priest?
29. My eyes are getting weary.
30. Maybe I could just rest them for a bit.
31. I won't be going to sleep.
32. I'll just be resting my eyes.
33. I will not fall... asleep.nonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadultnonadult34. Whoa! Sorry.
35. I seemed to have dozed off for a bit...
36. After all it's 1:20 in the morning.
37. Wait, are they doing the Communion wafers now?nonadultnonadult38. YES! MASS IS ALMOST OVER!nonadultnonadult39. Because I'm Catholic. And you're supposed to go to church at midnight on Christmas. Right?nonadultnonadultnonadult40. I'm a bad Catholic, Jesus. Sorry.
41. I'd rather be home and sleeping, tbh.nonadultnonadult42. But it's your birthday, Jesus.
43. ...
44. Jesus?nonadultnonadult45. I'm sorry, Jesus.nonadultnonadult46. I think I'm gonna go home and sleep.
47. Merry Christmas?nonadultnonadult48. Are we cool?nonadultnonadult49. K.nonadult49 Thoughts Everyone Has During Their First Massagehttp://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/massages-are-stressful?utm_term=4ldqpia
“THE OIL IS COLD. I REPEAT, THIS OIL IS COLD.”

1. Everything in this lobby is so shiny and pretty.
2. I imagine all the people who come here are also shiny and pretty. 💁
3. I'll just read this glossy magazine and act like I totally come here all the time.
4. Sure are a lot of bottles for sale around here. Wonder if the facials here hurt.
5. Wait, are facials supposed to hurt?
6. WHY ARE MAGAZINES 80% ADVERTISEMENTS? NO ONE IS BUYING ANYTHING IN HERE, I GUARANTEE IT.
7. Great, I got here so early that I worked myself into a magazine-rage and now I need a massage even more.
8. Just sit quietly until your ~masseuse~ comes out here.

9. Oh, wait, did they call my name? Crap. I guess I gotta be ready to relax RIGHT NOW.
10. OH NO MY MASSEUSE IS A GUY?! GREAT.
11. THE AWKWARD LEVELS HAVE NOW SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF EVEN MORE.
12. I mean, I guess it would've been awkward no matter what. So.
13. 😁
14. This room is nice, though. I like the smell of that candle, something like "River Mist."
15. At least I don't have to get undressed in front of anyone.
16. HERE GOES NOTHING.
17. 👚👖⤵️

]]>Sami Mainhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/samimain/massages-are-stressfulSat, 13 Dec 2014 13:46:06 -0500<b>"THE OIL IS COLD. I REPEAT, THIS OIL IS COLD."</b>samimainnonadultnonadult1. Everything in this lobby is so shiny and pretty.
2. I imagine all the people who come here are also shiny and pretty. &#x1F481;
3. I'll just read this glossy magazine and act like I totally come here all the time.
4. Sure are a lot of bottles for sale around here. Wonder if the facials here hurt.
5. Wait, <i>are</i> facials supposed to hurt?
6. WHY ARE MAGAZINES 80% ADVERTISEMENTS? NO ONE IS BUYING ANYTHING IN HERE, I GUARANTEE IT.
7. Great, I got here so early that I worked myself into a magazine-rage and now I need a massage even more.
8. Just sit quietly until your ~masseuse~ comes out here.nonadultnonadult9. Oh, wait, did they call my name? Crap. I guess I gotta be ready to relax RIGHT NOW.
10. OH NO MY MASSEUSE IS A GUY?! GREAT.
11. THE AWKWARD LEVELS HAVE NOW SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF EVEN MORE.
12. I mean, I guess it would've been awkward no matter what. So.
13. &#x1F601;
14. This room is nice, though. I like the smell of that candle, something like "River Mist."
15. At least I don&#39;t have to get undressed in front of anyone.
16. HERE GOES NOTHING.
17. &#x1F45A;&#x1F456;&#x2935;&#xFE0F;nonadultnonadult18. I HAVE MADE THE BOLD DECISION TO LEAVE MY UNDERWEAR ON. THE WORLD WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
19. Ooooh, the sheets are nice and warm and comfy cozy.
20. I could get used to this.
21. Is this face-hole paper going to put lines on my face? Because I feel like that's the opposite of what should happen at a spa. Lines should be ERASED.
22. Okay, this is totally normal. Just me and a dude in a room with some soft jazz, "River Mist," and lots of touching.
23. I hope my detailed answer of "shoulders, upper back, and also everywhere" was suitable.
24. I&#39;d imagine there&#39;s plenty to work on there, seeing as no one ever has before.nonadultnonadult25. Is there a "shallow"-tissue massage? What makes this "deep"?
26. THE OIL IS COLD. I REPEAT, THIS OIL IS COLD. WOWZA.
27. I get the "deep" part now. Ow.
28. Wait, am I in pain???? Should I say something??
29. Oh, I'm alright. The pain is good. The pain isn&#39;t painful, it&#39;s just different?
30. EVERYTHING IS TINGLING. THINGS ARE TINGLING WHERE HE&#39;S NOT EVEN TOUCHING ME.
31. &#x1F300;&#x1F300;&#x1F300;&#x1F300;&#x1F300;nonadultnonadult32. I did not realize legs were included in this ~experience.~
33. Sorry, dude, but I totally did not shave for this.
34. You do you, I do me. Me rarely shaves in winter, so this is our shared reality now.
35. Oooh, well, now I see why the legs are a part of this. Who knew I had such tense legs.
36. What happens if I have to, y'know, &#x1F4A8;? Do I warn him?
37. Do I tell him I&#39;m ticklish around the knees?
38. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT WHEN I&#39;M SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING.nonadultnonadult39. The arms, too?? Yeah, alright.
40. I feel so fancy and pampered with this hand massage.
41. This is what living should be like all the time.
42. I have NO GOOD REASON to have waited so long in life to get a massage.
43. Is every knot totally gone? Not at all. But I feel sooooooo much better.
44. If I were a princess or, like, Hilary Clinton or something, I would get these at least once a week.
45. &#x1F44C;&#x1F44C;&#x1F44C;&#x1F44C;&#x1F44C;
46. Oh no, I'm too cozy. I&#39;m supposed to meet him outside "when I&#39;m ready," but what if I never want to leave this bed? What if THIS IS MY LIFE NOW?
47. &#x2934;&#xFE0F;&#x1F456;&#x1F45A;
48. Back out into the world I go, amongst the plebeians who don&#39;t totally feel like a million bucks of massaged noodles right now.
49. I AM A PRETTY AND SHINY PERSON NOW. HERE ME ROAR! &#x1F481;nonadultnonadult<small>(Thumbnail via Thinkstock)</small>nonadult33 Thoughts Every Woman Has In Targethttp://www.buzzfeed.com/chantelhouston/33-thoughts-every-woman-has-in-target?utm_term=4ldqpia
“I went to Target and didn’t find anything.” —No one ever

1. Brrr, it's cold out!
2. I wish I had a body next to this body.
3. Not even a significant other, just someone to keep these brittle bones warm and maybe watch Cake Boss with.
4. And also to have sex, but not in a sad, detached way. I want to feel things!
5. But I haven't met anyone new in months, and the last person I hooked up with gave me a urinary tract infection.
6. I guess I can try OkCupid.
7. I mean, I do know two people who met their spouses on there. There's hope yet!
8. Ok, let's pick out a username.
9. BurritoQueen91, perfect.
10. Now it's time to fill out some questions. I got this.
11. My "self-summary"? How does one summarize themselves? What does this even mean???
12. (....who am I, really?)
13. I'll just link to the Vine of that fabulous kid who danced on the news that one time. Hope that counts.
14. Hehehe, that kid was so great. It never gets old!
15. Next question: "What do I with my life?"
16. SNOOZEVILLE.
17. I feel like I'm on a bad first date already.
18. "Competitive eater." There. Moving on.

19. Favorite movies/music/shows/books/food.
20. Here stranger: Here's a five paragraph essay about every enjoyable thing I've ever encountered. Have fun!
21. Skipping that one. Way too much work.
22. "What six things could you not live without?"
23. Air, my mom, cheese, hot showers with good water pressure, a job, my surprisingly unwavering health.
24. None of these are romantic. Maybe the shower one. Still, eh.
25. Skipping!
26. "Most private thing you're willing to admit" — nope!
27. I don't know you. You've earned nothing, let alone awkward high school memories.
28. Skipping!
29. Well, now I guess it's time to upload some sweet pics.
30. I have so many sweet pics on hand! Let me just check my Facebook.
31. Ok, there are none where I'm not a) behind a crowd of 20 people or b) very drunk.
32. If I don't find a boo on here, I should at least make friends with a photographer. Noted.
33. Seriously, I feel like everyone has that one friend who casually takes natural-looking glamour shots of them having autumn picnics while being surrounded by an equally cool-looking posse.
34. Oh! There's this picture from last year when my hair looked really good after getting it cut and I wisely took a selfie.
35. Is that a white lie though? Am I no better than those guys who post photos from 11 years ago and trick you into getting cappuccinos with a 45-year-old divorced dad of two?
36. Now I'm just imagining meeting a guy and him turning back around when he sees my hair isn't artfully curled at the bottom.
37. ...I'm not taking a new selfie. I accept a life of lies.

]]>Julia Pugachevskyhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/juliapugachevsky/thoughts-you-have-when-you-date-onlineThu, 04 Dec 2014 18:01:03 -0500<b>"Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry."</b>juliapugachevskynonadultnonadult1. Brrr, it's cold out!
2. I wish I had a body next to this body.
3. Not even a significant other, just someone to keep these brittle bones warm and maybe watch <i>Cake Boss</i> with.
4. And also to have sex, but not in a sad, detached way. I want to feel things!
5. But I haven&#39;t met anyone new in months, and the last person I hooked up with gave me a urinary tract infection.
6. I guess I can try OkCupid.
7. I mean, I do know two people who met their spouses on there. There&#39;s hope yet!
8. Ok, let&#39;s pick out a username.
9. <b>BurritoQueen91</b>, perfect.
10. Now it&#39;s time to fill out some questions. I got this.
11. My "self-summary"? How does one summarize themselves? What does this even mean???
12. (....who am I, really?)
13. I&#39;ll just link to the Vine of that fabulous kid who danced on the news that one time. Hope that counts.
14. Hehehe, that kid was so great. It never gets old!
15. Next question: "What do I with my life?"
16. SNOOZEVILLE.
17. I feel like I&#39;m on a bad first date already.
18. "Competitive eater." There. Moving on.nonadultnonadult19. Favorite movies/music/shows/books/food.
20. Here stranger: Here's a five paragraph essay about every enjoyable thing I&#39;ve ever encountered. Have fun!
21. Skipping that one. Way too much work.
22. "What six things could you not live without?"
23. Air, my mom, cheese, hot showers with good water pressure, a job, my surprisingly unwavering health.
24. None of these are romantic. Maybe the shower one. Still, eh.
25. Skipping!
26. "Most private thing you&#39;re willing to admit" &mdash; nope!
27. I don&#39;t know you. You&#39;ve earned nothing, let alone awkward high school memories.
28. Skipping!
29. Well, now I guess it&#39;s time to upload some sweet pics.
30. I have so many sweet pics on hand! Let me just check my Facebook.
31. Ok, there are none where I&#39;m not a) behind a crowd of 20 people or b) very drunk.
32. If I don&#39;t find a boo on here, I should at least make friends with a photographer. Noted.
33. Seriously, I feel like everyone has that one friend who casually takes natural-looking glamour shots of them having autumn picnics while being surrounded by an equally cool-looking posse.
34. Oh! There&#39;s this picture from last year when my hair looked really good after getting it cut and I wisely took a selfie.
35. Is that a white lie though? Am I no better than those guys who post photos from 11 years ago and trick you into getting cappuccinos with a 45-year-old divorced dad of two?
36. Now I&#39;m just imagining meeting a guy and him turning back around when he sees my hair isn&#39;t artfully curled at the bottom.
37. ...I&#39;m not taking a new selfie. I accept a life of lies.nonadultnonadult38. Profile done!
39. No views yet.
40. It's fine, I&#39;ll just read something while I wait.
41. No views yet. How long does this take?
42. Sigh. I mean, I GUESS I can browse through some guys too and maaaybe even message first. I&#39;m progressive and all.
43. Ooooh, hello. Who&#39;s this? CLICK.
44. He has a golden retriever in his pics, and he has good taste in cashmere sweaters. What could possibly go wrong?
45. "I&#39;m a nice guy and I&#39;ll make you laugh. I like to have long intellectual discussions and defend my opinions."
46. A bit arrogant, no?
47. Hmm, maybe raincheck on that one. But hey, this guy looks cool!
48. Double sleeve tattoos, hellooo.
49. "My self-summary: dying and living." "What I&#39;m doing with my life: i&#39;m a musician and writer and sometimes photographer."
50. Oh good god, no.
51. Where does that ego come from???nonadultnonadult52. Phew, ok, this guy seems normal.
53. He smiling in all his pictures and he seems to have hobbies. Let's just read his bio.
54. "I like it when food comes out of the can shaped like the can."
55. That&#39;s all it says.
56. ...
57. WELL, if I shape my pillow the right way, it could ALMOST feel like a person.
58. Is modern romance really dead?
59. Does my independence and career focus make me too picky? Will I never find someone for long-term because I can&#39;t work through the smaller issues?
60. OH A MESSAGE!
61. Please be normal please be normal please be normal.
62. "Hi. You seem cool. I like burritos too."
63. There&#39;s hope yet.nonadultnonadultWhat It's Like To Have A Short Attention Spanhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/justintan/what-its-like-to-have-a-short-attention-span?utm_term=4ldqpia
Pay attention!

]]>Justin Tanhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/justintan/what-its-like-to-have-a-short-attention-spanThu, 27 Nov 2014 20:54:05 -0500<b>Pay attention!</b>justintannonadult53 Thoughts You Have When Your BFF Gets Engagedhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/maggyvaneijk/53-thoughts-you-have-when-your-bff-gets-engaged?utm_term=4ldqpia
I can’t believe I’m really at that “marriage and children” part of life.

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

1. SHE'S ENGAGED. LIKE MARRIAGE ENGAGED.

2. ~squeal~

3. But she was always so against marriage. What happened? Why has she joined the dark side?

4. When my mum finds out she won't let me hear the end of it. I get it mum, I'm unmarried. I GET IT.

5. No, I have hay fever, I'm not crying. I'm so happy for you. I'm not thinking about being forever alone or anything. Not.at.all.

6. This is now the seventh time I've heard her tell the proposal story.

]]>Maggy van Eijkhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/maggyvaneijk/53-thoughts-you-have-when-your-bff-gets-engagedTue, 25 Nov 2014 11:00:16 -0500<b>I can&#39;t believe I&#39;m really at that "marriage and children" part of life.</b>maggyvaneijknonadultnonadult1. SHE'S ENGAGED. LIKE <i>MARRIAGE</i> ENGAGED.
2. ~squeal~
3. But she was always so against marriage. What happened? Why has she joined the dark side?
4. When my mum finds out she won&#39;t let me hear the end of it. I get it mum, I&#39;m unmarried. I GET IT.
5. No, I have hay fever, I&#39;m not crying. I&#39;m <i>so</i> happy for you. I&#39;m not thinking about being forever alone or anything. Not.at.all.
6. This is now the seventh time I&#39;ve heard her tell the proposal story.
7. Now that she&#39;s engaged. I wonder how I&#39;ll fit into her new life?
8. I&#39;m losing my best friend.
9. She will now be someone else&#39;s best friend.
10. She&#39;s the pea in someone else&#39;s pod.
11. Can there by three peas in a pod?
12. I might as well change my name to "Third Wheel."nonadultnonadult13. When something silly happens to her at work or her favourite pizza's on offer or that YouTube dog she loves releases a new video , I won&#39;t be the first person she calls anymore :(
14. And Facebook is just clogging up my newsfeed with engagement photos and baby pics. GIVE ME A BREAK.
15. I definitely haven&#39;t just spent all night dreaming up my own engagement photo. Nope.
16. She does seem genuinely happy.
17. But wait, I can&#39;t believe we&#39;re really at that "marriage and children" age.
18. Should I stop spending my nights on Netflix and tweeting members of One Direction?
19. Maybe I should officially become an adult now?
20. I&#39;ll never get married.nonadultnonadult21. I shouldn't have dumped my uni boyfriend. I mean, yeah, he was douche and he wore loafers without socks but he was <i>total</i> marriage material.
22. Okay, what about the guy I&#39;ve been on 3 dates with? I reckon we could definitely get married.
23. I&#39;m going to start dropping weddings hints, just over drinks. It&#39;ll be fine.
24. I bet my BFF&#39;s engagement will just drag on and on and they&#39;ll never actually tie the knot.
25. I bet they&#39;ll never even get married.
26. Shit, am I a bad friend?
27. ~Googles divorce rate~
28. That doesn&#39;t look good. What if she gets hurt, what if this ruins her for life?
29. Should I text her those divorce figures?
30. No, wait that&#39;s a shitty person thing to do.
31. I&#39;ll just accidentally leave it on my screen when she pops by.
32. I hope I&#39;m maid of honour, I&#39;m definitely her number one.
33. Who the hell is Becky? Why is she in the bridal party?
34. Screw it, I don&#39;t want to have any wedding duties. I just want to be drunk the entire time.nonadultnonadult35. If she asks me to be a bridesmaid I'll say I have Ebola.
36. Maybe that&#39;s the only reason they&#39;re getting married. The looming threat of Ebola? IT&#39;S CLOUDED HER JUDGEMENT.
37. How do I tell her that mint green for a bridesmaid dress is not a good look for me.
38. I&#39;m going to need to get in shape for this wedding. Mr. Darcy might be present.
39. Wait, I know all their mutual friends, there are no Mr. Darcys. Just a few creepy cousins.
40. Who should be my plus one be?
41. Let the Plus One Hunger Games begin!
42. No I don&#39;t want to look at your wedding Pinterest board I want to enjoy X Factor.
43. Hold on, that&#39;s a really cute hairpiece.
44. I bet they&#39;ll have a kid soon now they&#39;re engaged?
45. They&#39;ll ask me to babysit and the kid will love me and I can be their cool aunt they tell all their secrets too.
46. What if they only have engaged couple friends from now on and I&#39;ll feel so left out.
47. They&#39;ll all sit there and judge me with those big diamonds hugging their perfect fingers.
48. Okay, time to relax, I want to be part of this. I need to be part of this. My BFF is getting married and this better be the best day of her entire life!nonadultnonadult49. We need to spend every moment talking about all our treasured memories!
50. WE MUST HANG OUT EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY!
51. At least now my BFF can pave the way for me into married land and tell me what it's like on the other side.
52. I&#39;m so proud of her <3
53. I need to Facebook stalk the fianc&eacute; again. I mean how much do I really know about them?nonadult51 Thoughts Everyone Who Lives In New Jersey Has Hadhttp://www.buzzfeed.com/michelleregna/central-jersey-is-real?utm_term=4ldqpia
Say “New Joisy” one more time.

Getty Images / iStockphoto / Appalachian Views

1. Why does everyone hate New Jersey?
2. For such a terrible state, a lot of freaking people live here.
3. Clearly, New Jersey isn't the dump everyone makes it out to be.
4. Oh, New Jersey is the armpit of America?
5. YOU'RE SO ORIGINAL.
6. This is the birthplace of Bruce Springsteen, HOW DARE YOU.
7. We are the Garden State — key word: GARDEN.
8. No, really though, we have beautiful farms, beaches, and mountains.
9. So maybe the turnpike smells like burning flesh mixed with white cannellini beans.
10. But that's because the turnpike sucks.
11. As does the parkway.
12. You don't know what traffic is until you've driven on either of those roads.
13. Half the time there's not even a reason for the traffic; it's just there.
14. Maybe it's because of the large percentage of people who can't drive?
15. ATTENTION ANYONE WITH A PENNSYLVANIA LICENSE PLATE, WOULD YOU KINDLY GET OUT OF MY WAY.
16. Honestly, there should be a lane for anyone who's from out of state.
17. OH, WAIT, THAT'S THE RIGHT LANE.
18. GSP or turnpike during rush hour? Fuggedaboutit.
19. GSP or turnpike during rush hour in the summer heading south? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?
20. I blame the Bennys.
21. BENNY, GO HOME.
22. There's seriously not enough parking for all of us.
23. Call me a Benny all you like, but if I live in New Jersey I deserve to go to the damn beach.
24. DO YOU MEAN SHORE?

25. Jersey Shore is easily one of the worst things to ever happen to New Jersey.
26. Fist pumping, tanning beds, public intoxication — YEP, THAT'S DEFINITELY US...
27. None of them are even from New Jersey except Sammi Sweetheart and Deena.
28. Wait, who's Deena?
29. And we will gladly take them over Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.
30. I'd take them over the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey too.
31. *cringes*
32. Let's get two things straight: We don't pump fists and we don't pump gas.
33. So thankful I don't have to get out of my car to pump gas.
34. But where the ef is the gas station attendant? Can I just do it myself??
35. Might as well go into Wawa while I wait.
36. My Heart, My Soul, My Life: Wawa.

]]>Michelle Regnahttp://www.buzzfeed.com/michelleregna/central-jersey-is-realTue, 18 Nov 2014 17:31:03 -0500<b>Say "New Joisy" one more time.</b>michelleregnanonadultnonadult1. Why does everyone hate New Jersey?
2. For such a <i>terrible</i> state, a lot of freaking people live here.
3. Clearly, New Jersey isn't the dump everyone makes it out to be.
4. Oh, New Jersey is the armpit of America?
5. YOU&#39;RE SO ORIGINAL.
6. This is the birthplace of Bruce Springsteen, HOW DARE YOU.
7. We are the Garden State &mdash; key word: GARDEN.
8. No, really though, we have beautiful farms, beaches, and mountains.
9. So maybe the turnpike smells like burning flesh mixed with white cannellini beans.
10. But that&#39;s because the turnpike sucks.
11. As does the parkway.
12. You don&#39;t know what traffic is until you&#39;ve driven on either of those roads.
13. Half the time there&#39;s not even a reason for the traffic; it&#39;s just there.
14. Maybe it&#39;s because of the large percentage of people who can&#39;t drive?
15. ATTENTION ANYONE WITH A PENNSYLVANIA LICENSE PLATE, WOULD YOU KINDLY GET OUT OF MY WAY.
16. Honestly, there should be a lane for anyone who&#39;s from out of state.
17. OH, WAIT, THAT&#39;S THE RIGHT LANE.
18. GSP or turnpike during rush hour? Fuggedaboutit.
19. GSP or turnpike during rush hour in the summer heading south? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?
20. I blame the Bennys.
21. BENNY, GO HOME.
22. There&#39;s seriously not enough parking for all of us.
23. Call me a Benny all you like, but if I live in New Jersey I deserve to go to the damn beach.
24. DO YOU MEAN SHORE?nonadultnonadult25. <i>Jersey Shore</i> is easily one of the worst things to ever happen to New Jersey.
26. Fist pumping, tanning beds, public intoxication &mdash; YEP, THAT'S DEFINITELY US...
27. None of them are even from New Jersey except Sammi Sweetheart and Deena.
28. Wait, who&#39;s Deena?
29. And we will gladly take them over Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.
30. I&#39;d take them over the cast of <i>Real Housewives of New Jersey</i> too.
31. *cringes*
32. Let&#39;s get two things straight: We don&#39;t pump fists and we don&#39;t pump gas.
33. So thankful I don&#39;t have to get out of my car to pump gas.
34. But where the ef is the gas station attendant? Can I just do it myself??
35. Might as well go into Wawa while I wait.
36. My Heart, My Soul, My Life: Wawa.nonadultnonadult37. Can someone explain why both the Giants and the Jets play in Jersey, but they're considered New York teams?
38. Whatever, they&#39;re both playing like garbage anyway.
39. At least we have a hockey team.
40. I&#39;d love to go to a Devils game, but Newark?? I&#39;ll pass.
41. Or how about a day trip to the Adventure Aquarium located on the lovely Camden waterfront?
42. WHY THE HECK IS THE MOST FAMILY-FRIENDLY ATTRACTION IN CAMDEN?
43. It&#39;s time we just pick it up and move it somewhere else.nonadultnonadult44. People from North Jersey are snobs.
45. People from South Jersey are weird.
46. Central Jersey isn't real &mdash; who are they kidding?
47. CENTRAL JERSEY EXISTS DAMMIT.
48. Can&#39;t we all just get along?
49. I&#39;m moving.
50. Just kidding.
51. Where else can I get pizza and bagels this good?nonadultnonadult