A Little Mental Chaos

This morning I am feeling all over the place. Lots of things on my mind.

A friend came over last night. She was on her way home from the community garden, which is a few doors down from me. She brought me some veggies, and some papaya. I only kept a couple of the papaya, because I knew that she’d make better use of the veggies than I would, having just gone to the store. So I have 2 fresh, organic papaya sitting on my counter to ripen.

She is not involved in the veterans art center but because our common friend and I are, she is trying to help somehow, I guess. She came over all excited because at her job she’d found 2 grants she thought might be good to apply for. But they had to do with employing people, from disadvantaged areas….and I had to explain to her that the vets project is not about employing people, in any way. It’s about providing a place for vets to create and sell their art, as therapy for their emotional problems, like PTSD and similar problems. It is for active military, vets, first responders and their families. It’s not about getting them jobs, even as artists. I think she was upset that I wasn’t more receptive, but if she wants to help she should get involved, and learn about what they are trying to do, read the mission statement, go to their website, etc. Not just randomly spend time, her time at work, on things she thinks they should be involved in. I still am unclear as to what she was trying to do.

I love her, but she kept trying to find a pathway from their mission to these employment grants, and wasn’t listening to me, just was off on a tangent of her own. Then she began to go off on another tangent, about our common friend, and how she could help her get a house…. Our common friend has nothing….really. No belongings of any value, a 20 year old car that is breaking down, basically no credit. I just kept saying, no one is going to sell someone a house who has no credit, no money to put down on it, no collateral….please don’t talk to our friend about this, because it’s not going to happen. She kept trying to convince me it was, and finally I had to cut her off, and tell her I just can’t talk about any of this. It’s too far beyond what I consider possible, that I know she wants the best for our friend, but that our friend is going to have to manifest her own destiny….

The thing is that this friend, with all these pretty crazy pie-in-the-sky ideas, has nothing herself. She has no car, her house is falling apart, no washer or dryer, not even a real working refrigerator. I told her she can’t dream about our common friend, she can’t manifest for someone else, she can only manifest for herself. I told her she deserves a better life, to have those things, to not struggle so much. It’s good to want good things for others, but take care of yourself too. I am always giving her rides somewhere, I have let her come here and do her laundry, have fed her often, including last night. Yet I have not ever been invited inside her house, because it is in such terrible condition. I don’t mind doing any of it, just…if you’re going to come up with some way to help our friend, maybe come up with some way you can help yourself first.

For me, a plan must first be based in reality. And really, nothing she said made sense in a conventional way. Maybe I’m just not creative enough, but she wore me out trying to tell me how the vets could hire our common friend for their gallery, through a training program, even though that’s not what they are about, and how this same friend might be able to buy a house despite the fact that she has no assets, no money, and no credit. Just friggin wore me out. Finally, I told her, “night is not a good time for me to talk about stuff like this. I just want to put on my pajamas and veg out in front of the TV.”

I had to work long and hard to make sure I was going to be in ok shape to retire. I had no long periods in my life where I didn’t work, in fact, the only time was when my son was an infant, and even then I was doing the books at home. It’s about working hard to achieve a dream, and believing you’re going to manifest it. That point seems to be lost on this friend, who did not work for 10 years, and now has nothing. She just started working part time for minimum wage in a training program, but will have to find a real job in a couple of months. I’m not meaning to put her down, her life choices are her own. But all this pie-in-the-sky stuff, just can’t go there with her.

So, today I plan to get my walk in down by the water. I have a dentist appointment about my tooth. And I have open mic tonight. In between I may try to get to Michaels or JoAnn Fabrics and get some jewelry supplies that I need for the necklace I’m making for the vets. And let go of my angst over my friend’s visit last night.

Life is crazy at times, for sure. But it’s wonderful, and I’m so grateful that I’ve managed to manifest for myself, the life I’ve dreamed of.

Yes….when she’s like that. Because she loves everyone, and is always volunteering for stuff without thinking if she can even do it. Everyone loves her, but she’s so scattered, and just comes up with this crazy stuff that has no basis in reality. But I settled it out with her before she left, on her bicycle…..