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Monday, February 2, 2015

Approval

'Practice makes you perfect' or some such thing, they say, and it is probably true. Whatever else I practiced or not, the one thing I know that I practiced with utmost diligence all through my life was this thing of seeking approval. It is true that I am yet to discover why it is so important to acquire this ability but still...

Anyway, I must say almost all of us get a very early start on this thing. One of my earliest memories must be that of visiting a neighborhood house and being offered candy, whereupon I was supposed to immediately look around to see if my mom approved of my taking it. If I fail to do so, OR grab a second or third helping without such approval, I was held up as an example for pigs to emulate in greed. (One of the eternal mysteries of Society for me is the fact that at an age when I could eat nonstop all day and still wake up in the night feeling hungry, I was expected to turn down additional offerings, if I expected social approval. On the other hand, now that I have hit an age, when I am already thinking about antacids halfway through the meal, people keep thrusting additional helpings on me and laud me if I eat everything on offer. Strange...but that is not the point of this discourse.)

What applies for early childhood, though, does not apply in the teens. Once you hit the teens, you start seeking approval of your peers AND a necessary (though not sufficient) condition is that you should earn the disapproval of the adult world at large but, most especially, your parents. It is thus that I could pity, but not respect a friend, when he met me with a disconsolate look.

"What is the point in enduring this queasy stomach and hangover, dude! My purpose was not served."
"What happened?"
"I reached home falling down drunk. My dad opened the door and had a satisfactorily disgusted look on his face."
"Good! So, why are you unhappy?"
"He asked me how much I had had to drink. I proudly said two large pegs of whisky. And do you know what he said?"
"What?"
"Only two large pegs and you are thoroughly sozzled? In my time I could down four and still walk a straight line."

Poor guy! You could say he earned his dad's disapproval, I suppose, but I quite agreed with him. THIS was not exactly the sort of disapproval for which he would earn brownie points with our friends. A knock-down-and-drag-on argument with his parents on his drinking ways and he could have become a hero.

Ah! Youth! Then you felt an almost messianic zeal about opposing almost anything the adult world said and rebelled against them. Mind you, you can keep spouting about freedom of thought and action but, unless you want to shed all your friends, NEVER apply the same freedom with regard to the thoughts and actions of your friends. So, there I was, already practicing to seek approval from people only to be liked, as opposed to the dependency factor that applied during earlier days with regard to parents.

This entire process of growing up - maturing, some wag called it and the term stuck - is, I think, a process of gaining more and more expertise at gaining approval. In the early days, it used to be just your parents; then just your own group of friends and, in both cases, there was roughly a unanimity in WHAT you were expected to do or be. Adult life is a process of finding out that all people around you do not, necessarily, approve of the same things. Your neighbors approve of your Nano but your in-laws sneer at it. Your boss wants you to come in formals, your wife prefers you to be hip. Your parents want you with them but your children prefer a gated community. So, you do a zig in the morning, a zag in the afternoon and go around in circles all night. The extent of your mastery of the art of gaining approvals determines how much stress and guilt you accrue in the process.

And here I am, near the end of life and free to do only things that I approve of, myself.

There is only one small hitch. Can someone please tell me exactly what I need to do to gain my own approval?

30 comments:

This whole concept of seeking approval reminds me of the story where a man is carrying a heavy load while his son is just jaunting along.People censure the son and he takes over the load when other passers by criticize the father for thumping this load on the son.What is one to do?Go around in circles.No,no approval is needed if you think you are doing the right thing,but the necessities of belonging to peers--alas !

The father, the son and the donkey tale, Indu? Where first the father rides, then the son, then both and then both try to carry the donkey - all thanks to differing advice? Yes - that's the tale that forms the base of this post.

Does not the one automatically mean the other, Ash? Not needing approvals CAN come only if you are a 'self-satisfied bastard', maybe? :) Is it not dissatisfaction with one's own self that causes this hunger for external approval? :)

OMG!!! That's an epiphany!! Yes indeed,dissatisfaction with one's own self is the reason we need approval,validation.Sir,I'm going to tea-leaf this line and "the extent of your mastery....the process" lines But will notify you when I do. And yes,everybody needs approval,atleast from one,it's how we're made,pathetic but true.

Indu's comment is on point. We do so much to gain society's approval especially when their approval keeps on changing. All we should truly do is believe in the honesty behind our actions.This was a great post. :)

Though you wrote it on a humorous tone, it is so true, Suresh. It kept me thinking. When we are kids, parents don't let you eat when you go to relatives places. Now, they over stuff you even if you are full and diabetic..Right from the start, we are tuned to seek approvals. And that only continues...hmm to seek our own approval, we have to attain a state or nirvana, I think :) But these days, people really don't care about others' approval

Not directly, maybe! But just stop to think a bit. In the South, in my time, ostentatious display of wealth, borrowing for consumption etc. were looked down upon AND almost all of us tended to adopt the same attitude towards those traits. NOW, you almost HAVE to do both in order to be approved of :) At the end of it, do any of us know exactly HOW we would have preferred to have acted IF there had been no Social pressure one way or the other?

I think, in most things in life, we have no clue exactly what WE would have preferred to do, all by ourselves.

Well, as humorous as it might be, this really is a thought provoking post. We, as human beings are in a constant need of approval from seniors and peers - But little do we think if they are good enough to judge us. And then, we make phrases like 'To Each His/Her Own' - But we forget them for this need of approval

Approvals make us happy, that we've made some achievements which society thinks good. But again, as you have said, approvals differ from person to person. It's very difficult to get approved by everyone. So better stay happy with the approval of the mind... :-)

My intent was to speak of a different type of approval, Maniparna! You speak of achievements and acknowledgement by Society of the achievements. I intended speaking of what other people think (and approve/disapprove) of your life-style - work-life balance; your parenting methods; your tastes in dress, home decor, literature, music etc. etc.

Yes, we do need approvals no matter how much we fool ourselves that we don't. I think as you get more self-assured, you seek validation from very few but you do seek it. At least, I haven't attained the nirvana where I don't care what my close family and friends think. :)

Hmmm! I think this thing about approval has too many connotations and I have not managed to convey the fact that the connotation I am using here is NOT one relating to approval/validation of one's character BUT one relating to tuning your lifestyle to earn approval from others. I hardly think it likely that the few you seek validation from are going to be exercising their judgment on what you wear, when you get your children married and look down on you cos what you do does not match what they think you should do. It is THAT approval I am poking fun at AND it is seeking THAT sort of approvals that gives you a guilt ride or stresses you out.

Yes - as far as character goes. When it comes to behavioral aspects and life choices that affect only you, it is not conscience BUT your own preferences that should guide you. Unfortunately, comes to preferences, we have no clue how much it is dictated by what you want and how much by 'monkey see monkey do' which is but another way of saying peer pressure. The one area where there is really a point in seeking validation from outside is when it comes to an assessment of your EXPERTISE in doing the things you do.

All of us are still searching, Saru! The answers that suited me are 1.When I need to know if I am a good person, I rely on the approval of friends and family 2.When it comes to making choices in life (marriage, work, dress....things pertaining to life-style), I listen only to myself. Needless to say, the people I take cognizance of in the previous point are those who do not judge me by my choices here. 3.When it comes to judging my expertise in anything (writing etc.), I seek the approval of those who are good in THAT area AND capable of giving honest feedback - if I can find them. This part, of course, is the most difficult because most people are also seeking approval and it is tough to find someone who reviews ONLY with the idea of giving YOU feedback. Most people are trying to impress you with their own perspicacity :)

Above all else, I do not allow any shortcomings in either 2 or 3 to assess myself on 1 :)