I'm on the journey to figure it out

Single Girl

Last night I had a rather disturbing dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant! In my dream I was shocked but ok with it and more concerned about not being able to drink at a party I was going to. This would not be my reaction in real life, I would be totally freaked out! Babies or not on my agenda anymore, they were once, up until I was around 30 I guess.

As a teenager I had a life plan, get married at 25, have four children and be a stay at home mum, I got married at 27, to the wrong man, I knew that having children with him would be a mistake and we broke up, as did my life plan, which was already 2 years behind schedule. Having never been single since I was 15, I partied hard for a few years, I discovered a side of myself I never knew existed. I experimented, I met lots of new, different people and I felt like for the first time in my life, I was really living. I didn’t even do anything drastic, I just did what I wanted, I had no one to answer to. I had moved back into my parents home after splitting with my ex, which has an adult is always difficult. I resorted to my teenage self, locking myself away in my room when I was at home, watching crappy american teen dramas and sorting out my iTunes. My dad and I fought a lot as we’re so alike and I’m not sure he appreciated his new party animal daughter, I was always a pretty sensible girl.

After a couple of years I moved into a flat on my own. I had always feared living alone, worried I would be scared and lonely but as I sat there on my first night, with a glass of wine, in my own (rented) living room, I could not have been happier. For the first time in my life, it was just me. Who decides what time I get up? Me, no one to share the bathroom with. Who decides if I can stay out for drinks after work? Me, nothing to rush home for. Who decides who comes over and when? Me, its my home. It was lovely.

I honestly thought be single and living on my own would be a lonely life, but it really wasnt! I realised I had never really been in charge of my life as I was always revolving it around others, which led me to a realisation. Maybe I don’t want children? I have only just found my freedom, having children would take that away from me! Not that I had anything to worry about at the time as I wasnt dating anyone, if anything I was actively avoiding the male species.

A few of my friends starting having children and I would see how the other girls would flock around coo-ing and getting all broody. I just didn’t feel like that. I spent many years thinking that something was wrong with me as a woman to not feel like that, wasnt it a natural thing to love babies? If someone brought a dog in I would melt behave like this, maybe I was a dog in a previous life?

When I met my boyfriend and we became serious, which was pretty quickly, we had the discussion about children, he already has children, so for him, he would happily stop there but he said if I wanted children then he was open to the idea. I still wasnt sure, I loved him, surely I was meant to want children with him? When people asked me if I wanted kids, as people tend to do and its pretty bloody annoying and personal in my opinion, I mean what if you can’t have kids and its devastating you? When I say I’m not sure or I don’t think so, people then decide for me. “Oh you’ll change your mind” Why did you even ask me then? If you knew I was going to eventually want kids? You clearly have all the answers. One friend, every conversation we had, would speak in a patronising tone, “Oh you will, I cant see you not having kids, you’ll be a great mum” No I wont, I am far too selfish, I like my life, I like going on holidays, I like my job, I like drinking, I like doing what I want when I want, oh and I really like going to the bathroom undisturbed, you know all of those things you moan about not having in your life every time I speak to you? Eventually it became clear to me that I really didn’t want children of my own, we have my boyfriends children every other weekend and its lovely, but the way I see it is I get the best of both worlds. I was just worried about one thing, my parents. We’d never really spoken about me having kids, my parents are great they have never made me feel pressurised into doing anything, they have no expectations from my or my siblings, they just want us to be happy & safe, so lord only knows why I got myself into such a state, thinking that I would be letting them down by not providing a grandchild as they only had one. I blame Barry.

One night I was at my parents house having red wine, when I felt like confessing my lack of maternal feelings to them. I steeled myself for the “reassuring” comments about changing my mind and feeling differently in a couple of years but to my surprise they said that they never thought I would have children anyway, they said I had a great life and wouldn’t understand why I would want to change that. My parents were pretty young when I was born, my mum loves children, she works with them and she’s great with my boyfriends kids so I thought she might find it difficult to understand, but she does. So after that I don’t worry about it anymore, I dont explain myself to people when they are horrified that I am to be a childless wench for all eternity and “will never know love like it” What I will have is the love for my soon to be husband, I dont want to love anybody else as much as I love him.

So after the brief confusion of wondering what this dream meant, which I looked up on Dreammoods (I do this quite a lot) dreaming about being pregnant apparently means:

To dream that you are pregnant symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.