In her continued effort to either set off a chain reaction of lawbreaking in order to play Debbie Reynolds in the yet-to-be-written Lifetime Original Movie about Debbie Reynolds, or replace Dean Winters as the Allstate personification of Mayhem, Amanda Bynes has steered her marauding death machine (her Range Rover) into yet another person's car and then attempted to flee the scene. A man driving near the intersection of Crescent Heights and Melrose Blvd. in L.A. claims that he was sideswiped by a Range Rover, which he followed after calling police to report a hit-and-run. Uncertain of how bad the accident was, police dispatched a helicopter because what's the sense in having a taxpayer-subsidized helicopter if you never get to take it for a spin?

When the vehicular law enforcement armada finally caught up with the Range Rover, its driver turned out to be none other than Amanda "Double Clutch" Bynes, who was anticlimactically cooperative and contrite. She exchanged her insurance info with the other driver and police didn't issue her a citation. Bo-riiiiing. [TMZ]

In similarly undramatic news, famously bad driver of yesteryear Lindsay Lohan will not be prosecuted for allegedly committing a hit-and-run in March, not even for the sake of nostalgia. I always thought Lindz made the best bad driver, but things change and now we're stuck with Amanda Bynes. It's only a matter of time until Abigail Breslin t-bones a minivan driven by and full of puppies while drag racing her souped-up Honda Civic down Sunset Blvd. [TMZ]

Neither will Lindsay continue reading Sappho verses to Samantha Ronson, even though the two were all over each other at a New Yawk City, gee-whiz! nightclub this week. [TMZ]

And what's this? Woody Allen and Lindsay Lohanspotted gamboling about Manhattan? I wonder what this portends... [TMZ]

Carrie Underwood thinks that her hockey-playing husband Mike Fisher is hot, but that's only because his teeth haven't been knocked out of his skull yet or because he has excellent dentures. [People]

In opposite marital news, Tameka Foster insisted during an ongoing custody battle that she never threatened to kill Usher, only to fuck him up a little. [TMZ]

Gabriel Aubrey will drag Halle Berry back to court in a bid to get more in child support payments from the formerly acting actress. [HuffPo]

Julie Benz and Rich Orosco are well on their way to a custody battle or complementing each other's looks in national publications — the couple married Saturday in Los Angeles. [People]

The State of California has issued a pretty hefty tax lien in the neighborhood of $60,000 to singer Faith Evans because celebrities think they can deal with taxes the same way ordinary people deal with visits to the dentist's office until that horrifying day of the root canal and abscess announcement. Incidentally, if you're having issues with dentist visits, watch Cast Away to motivate yourself to show up for that biannual cleaning. [TMZ]

GCB deli counter item Mark Deklin told E! what it takes to get his ordinarily medium-buff body ready for network television exploitation, drawing a sharp distinction between his normal fitness regimen (no-homo) and his camera-ready fitness regimen (way-homo): "I think generally in life, I'm hetero-fit. But gay-fit and straight-fit are two different things. I was like, You know what, I really gotta step it up. It's not enough to sort of be generally athletic-I've got to be shredded." So, to be clear, Deklin is straight. Okay? But let's say for fun that his TV persona Blake just so happened to be gay (spoiler alert?) and he could pick a dream lover. Who would it be? "I think he [Blake] might go for someone smart and maybe a little older," Deklin said. "Or he might be with someone young and pretty-someone like Michael Fassbender." [E!]

Kelly Osbourne forced her dog to wear boots, thus severing the final connection between it and its grey wolf ancestors. [People]

An artist named RJ Williams is suing Madonna over the "M" symbol on the singer's new Truth or Dare perfume, claiming that the symbol bears too much of a resemblance to a symbol he has used for the last eight years in paintings and on clothing. Meanwhile, somewhere several miles below the Earth's surface, Elton John is rubbing his hands together and laughing maniacally. [News AU]

The alleged bearded stalker who ambushed Mila Kunis outside of her gym has been arrested following his awkward confrontation with the actress. Now who will warn Kunis about the T-1000 sent back in time to kill her before she conceives the leader of the resistance? Hasn't anyone thought about that? [Express]

Ben Stiller's movie about rogue neighborhood watchmen will now be called The Watch instead of Neighborhood Watch, though this doesn't seem to change the fact that the movie won't be funny anymore after the shooting of Trayvon Martin. [BBC]

That's Dr. Shaq, to you. The former basketball star, platinum rapper, movie star, and Scrabble assassin received a doctorate in slamming the boards today from Barry University in Florida. Just kidding — he got a doctorate in education. That inspirational eighth-grade English teacher doesn't sound so awesome anymore, huh? [HuffPo]

Alex Trebek has been hosting Jeopardy for 28 years and may retire after an even 30 instead of decomposing slowly on camera the way the good lord intended. [ABC News]