Perfecting the Art of Crappy Cam Photography

Even though I know that my phone’s camera sucks, I can’t stop trying to make it do something it’s incapable of. I’m not all that photogenic, but then again, I’m not grainy and blurred-looking, either. Ipso facto, camera is lousy. I can’t even find the “enhance boobage” feature. I know there has to be such a setting since half the women I’ve met as “blind dates” have sent me pictures featuring luscious curves and mysterious depths, all in the top third of their bodies. There’s always the possibility that, while my eyes can adjust to such magnificence on an LCD screen, they’re unequal to the reality and dial it back a bit. More than a bit. A whole lot.

That’s what I get for putting such an emphasis on appearances. From now on, only ladies wearing paper bag masks need apply. And gunny sacks.