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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

There are certain phrases that a true bro should never say. Some of the more famous examples include "I can’t, it’s against the Honor Code," "I'm scared I might have a drinking problem," or worst of all "I think you should keep the baby." While these statements are inexcusable, they in no way compare to arguably the biggest bro-hater phrase of all time: "I think it's time to settle down." Settle down? Are you fucking kidding me? Why would a bro ever need to settle down? What's the fucking point? Who the fuck came up with the idea of settling down in the first place? Women. They've worked through the years to convince men that they are over the hill and that no one will want them in their old age. While this tactic may have worked on some, there is a certain group of people who have been identified by countless scholars as "the smartest people on the planet " who can spot this evil witchcraft from fucking miles away. Bros see right through this bullshit. To paraphrase Wooderson, one of the greatest bro pioneers of all time: bros get older, but slam pieces stay the same age. Bros fucking love younger chicks.

In nearly every aspect, Natalie Holloway and Johaan Van der Sloot have had a better relationship than bros and society. But there are a few certain things that bros and society completely agree upon, one of which being it’s socially acceptable for men to slay younger women, but women cannot hook up with younger men. This is perhaps the most brilliant rule society has ever created and you better fucking believe bros follow that shit.

"But NYB, what about #39 Cougars, you totally just contradicted yourself!" First of all, shut the fuck up - I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking about fucking Cougars. I’m also not talking about banging underage girls - so put your pants back on all you Uncle "Secrets" out there. I'm talking about girls who are past their prime. Have you ever seen a group of single girls in their mid-30's having a girls night? It's like taking a trip to the fucking Island of Misfit Toys. You've got your one girl with a decent body but absolutely hideous face, your Troy Polomalu stunt double, and of course the unbelievably overweight friend wearing designer clothes, who might as well be wearing a fucking burlap sack because her threads are not hiding the fact that she looks like the fucking Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Even if there is a hot one you know she's got some serious baggage, like having been divorced or more likely having a penis.

While this amazing social practice applies to women of all ages, it’s incredibly evident on a College Campus. Each Fall, bros sit on their #32 Bro Pad porches and in the Cafeteria watching the new batch of recruits as if they are getting off the bus at Shawshank. Bros immediately identify the high-grade new meat and give them creative #28 nicknames such as "Tan Girl" or "Runner Slut" the minute they lay eyes on them. You really have to wonder what a father says to his hot daugher when he drops her off to the wolves’ den that is College. My guess? "Bye honey, hope you have fun getting banged by all these bros." Fucking sluts.

Now I know all you girls out there who are reading this for some reason want to know – why do bros always like the younger girls? Here are a couple reasons.

Cleaner: One of the great things about a new crop is that there is a very low chance that they have ever hooked up with any of your bros. As cool as “The League” has made Eskimo brothers, no bro ever wants to be in a situation where he can honestly answer the question, “How does my dick taste?”

Better Looking: Anybody who’s ever said that women get better looking with age is a fucking liar. Bros realize that the best time to get a girl is before her face starts to look like a fucking catcher’s mitt due to all her fake tanning wrinkles. Also, saggy boobs are fucking disgusting and no self-respecting bro ever wants to see that shit. Not to mention four years of drinking and attacking pizza late night causes even the hottest slam pieces to put on weight. Again, getting with these girls would involve settling, which bros refuse to do.

While girls are getting fucked by society's "unfair" rule that you must date a guy older than you, bros are busy getting fucked by girls younger than their baseball card collection. You see, every year, as girls get older, their dating pool gets smaller due to marriage or death by natural causes, therefore it is understandable that they eventually have to settle on some dude they met on Craig's List personals. Bros on the other hand realize that every New Year means new life. It means a new crop of Freshman girls. It means a new group of College graduates hitting the workforce and your local bar. It means a whole new group of people who probably haven't even heard of your reputation. It means another fucking year of not settling down. So does 2010 mean bros are one step closer to settling down and finding a nice wife we can spend the rest of our lives with? Fuck that - our wives haven't been born yet. It's good to be a bro.

first off, id like to start this post by saying im currently eating a baconator in the break room, while on the clock at work, on my 3g blackberry. what a perfect brocasion

who doesnt love younger slam pieces. i mean really, all you have to do at college is grace a party with your broriginality, and say your a sophomore. by default, 74.3% of freshman girls will want to go to slampiece ave. aka, your bro pad. this is a proven number.

i mean seriously, name one person who does not what to fuck miley cyrus, taylor swift, or even dabrota fanning. i would like to, at this time, thank brittney spears for starting this wonderful trend.

nyb, great post. #28 nicknames is very perfect here. none of us know the names of the underclassmen at school, but we do know "grey pants", "tits", and "deepthroat". see ya next week

NYB, your posts have been less frequent as of late, but I must say that these recent posts have been some of your best work. This could not be more true. Excellent reference to Wooderson, who is a bro king by any standards.

chay.d drew, blue mountain state was hilarious. It was even better because it played in between episodes of Entourage

Well, anonymous, you like college slam pieces because of the "18" rule. Up until senior year of high school you're going for older slam pieces because 18 is the prime age for them to be plowed. However, once you get to college, the 18 year old slam pieces are no longer older, but younger than you. You'll know soon enough.

anonymous above me: damn right im a senior in high school and theres nothing better then slamming a college chick. fortunately i have been graced 3 times with this experience. and brobie trice: i may be a bro-in-training but i know a true bro would never consider having a girlfriend...find, fuck, and flee

this post really hits home with me. i just finished up an extra semester of college, and some bro-haters said it was wrong for me to fuck high school sluts or even freshmen slam pieces. but what kind of bro would i be if i were to deny myself access to these girls based on their age. that would be stereotyping, and that would also be unfair. i say fuck any slam piece you can get your hands on. bros fucking rule.

As some have asked, the age-old question: "How young is too young?" No one wants to receive creeper status or land in legal trouble. So my fellow bros and I have come up the the "If they were in high school when you were in high school" rule. When you are in college, all girls that were in high school when you were are fair game. This has also been amended to become "If they were in college when you were in college", for bros who are 5th year senior in order for them to be eligible to bang freshman slam-pieces.

When i was in high school the goal was to get with as many hot slam pieces as possible, high school bras but preferably college sluts. And i also remember some of the girls i was in high school with who would brag about their relationships with college guys, and thinking to myself "what fucking losers", college is infested with sluts and "why would you then want to be w a dumb high school bra?!" And so the bottom line is this bros, once you go to college and thereafter until you fucking die, thou shalt never get with high school brauds again. Freshman in college and up, or simply 18+ as i do believe in the formality of this sort of 'accepted' age. Not that I really give a fuck what society tells me is acceptable, but still.And cougars are the shit. As long as theyre tight and hot. Older bra's can definitely be fucking slammin' and fucking them is a whole thing of its own. But i digress, because the point is, that bros fucking love slamming younger bitches.

fellow bros above me: listen. i understand the debate over young slam pieces vs. milfs/older slam pieces. there is a very simple solution to this. bros fuckin love slaying slampieces. the title of this post is "younger chicks". milfs, cougers, older chicks, and younger chicks, all fall into the category of SLAM PIECE. this is the number one perk of being a bro. every chick is fair game. me and my bros live by the following adage that my father, a bro, passed down to my generation."if theres grass in the field, play ball"

id also like to add that there is one quarterback more bro than colt mcoy. alex moran, backup qb for blue mountain state is working his way to bro king. in just one night, he 3somed, got fucked up, went to a strip club, and aired between entourage. im keeping my eye on this brotential king

anon, if you remove the Brolt McCoy shirt then you definitely have to remove the Tim Tebro for the fact that he uses the worst type of contraception not involving condoms... abstinence. What kind of "bro" would turn down the amount of hot Florida tail he could be hooking just bc the bible said so. I think tebow secretly is a bro hater who didn't drink, didn't fuck and most importantly turned down a chance to be one of the most legendary bros of all time.

How has the phenomenon know as the "sliding scale" not been mentioned?

I first started to notice this junior year of high school and it has continued through out college.

Being Older allows you access to high quality women then if they were your same age.

Lets say for instance your a mildly attractive bro, (on a 1-10 scale a 7) you could be getting with a 9 or 10 if she is 1-5 years younger then you. While if you were going for someone your own age she might be a 7 or a below.

as a girl I can't quite explain it, but I would much get with a 7 or 8 who is older, then a 7 or 8 who is my own age.

Being that I go to an institution of not only bro supremacy but high academic supremacy, slam pieces that don't require 35+ beers to pound are in shorter supply then at most, so new meat is always welcome.

every year during freshman convection, we set up near the front, get a cooler into the auditorium and get sloshed while we make a list of every hot freshman. We then have contests.

First bro to bang on on his list, First bro to bang all of them on his list, First bro to get two in one night,

Younger slam pieces always fall for the beer pong trick. I love it. I was a beer pong champ back in my day, so when pong was being played, I'd scan the room for a good target and get her to play. Win a couple games and get a little Natty in her, then it's game over, PiV time, BOOM!

I literally just fucked this slam-piece in my shower. We went at it so long the hot water ran out, so instead of fucking doggy-style with ice water raining on my back, I simply turned off the water and made her suck me off. The best part; I came on her face, and she had to clean herself up with the coldest water Virginia has to offer. Better believe I'll enjoy the pizza she brought over while she excuses herself from my place.Who doesn't love being a bro?

@Brocaholic - I think I just got a Broner from reading that. Slam pieces should be obligated to feed a bro after he has given her a good slaying, not only out of concern for his health and welfare, but because he is a fucking bro and has graced her with his population paste. Bros are the shit.

freshmen girls for some reason know when to shut the fuck up and definitely understand the rule of "speak when spoken to"... bros hate older bras that won't shut the hell up or like to voice their incorrect, delusional opinions.

and older bras wonder why they watch sex and the city on a friday fucking night with a gallon of chunky fucking monkey on their laps

let's be honest though, bros will score more bro points if they bang a 35 year old nurse as opposed to a 17 year old freshman frat rat. we all know bros like to challenge themselves, seeing as the rest of society is so inferior. "cougars" should be on this list eventually.

Fuck a sliding scale. That is bropaganda of the bro hater variety. A bro is by definition a bulletproof ten to all women by virtue of his unwavering confidence and hard earned, well merited sense of self-entitlement. Freshmen are great, but recent college grads new to the bar scene are vital to bro survival in the post frat days.

Colt McCoy's fiance is a fine slampiece, but she is waiting til marriage (fuck that), so he could be just proposing so he can hit that. Therefore, we must see if the marriage lasts more than two years (hopefully during those two years he'll be pounding all the road beef a career backup QB can get). If it does, than the title of Brolt McCoy can be revoked.

Dude this website is so fucking sketchy. Its like every article i see is more about my life. Its like someone is following me and my bros around and writing articles about us. I am such a fucking bro and so is this biography website for bros. BROS RULE THE PLANET

Awesome post NYB. But it needs to be said the Adam James might possibly be the biggest bro king alive. He obvs told Mike Leach to fuck off on a daily basis and how important his father is, and when Mike Leach tried to do something about it his fatass got fired. Total bro move. Bros are the shit.

I agree. When I was in high school, I saw all of the brohating fags that stayed at home and never went to college to find their true brotential dating all the high school chicks. Even the hot ones will date the losers just because they're older.

The point is, wait until they're in college bros. Not only is it easy, because we're still bros, but you know she doesn't have a bedtime and there's always a place to bang in peace.

Bro I don't know why it's so bad to be dating an older girl. I'm 15 and a sophomore gettin laid by a senior that's 18. An 18 year olds tahtahs are definitely better than some 13 year olds mosquito bites.

I hope some of you fellow bros have had the good pleasure of experiencing the true miracle that is "sorority new girl week". The one miraculous week each year where every sorostitution receives its newest shipment of freshmeat who have no idea how shitty your reputation is for being a bro who will slam them and forget them. It truly defines fishing with dynamite. The new girls are dieing to get shit hammered with their new sisters who they feel awkward around since they have only known them for 2 weeks and now are calling them sisters. The older girls are sex-crazed after being caged in their respective houses singing girly songs, flirting with other girls, and sober as birds. During this weeklong fiasco the local pharmacy's order triple shipments of morning-after pills to attend to the needs of the slampieces who have finally sated their lust for sex. If the excitement for this week doesnt pop you a broner, then you should check your pulse.

Having a girlfriend is unacceptable. College is the opportune time to slay easy pieces. Obviously i'm going after the freshest meat within my circumference, not try to get get some sloppies from one of my bros. GDI girls are prime suspect too because they don't have to live by the sorostitute code of discretion. get busy enough and you earn the title of bossman bro.

Waldo said... Bro I don't know why it's so bad to be dating an older girl. I'm 15 and a sophomore gettin laid by a senior that's 18. An 18 year olds tahtahs are definitely better than some 13 year olds mosquito bites.

Alright bro that's where you are wrong because..1. You're 15 2. She's 18What 18 year old slampiece goes for a 15 year old? I'll tell you.. not a slampiece at all. If this 18 year old was really fucking sexy she would be fucking older bros or at least bros her own age is shes willing to go down to a 15 year old she's probably suffered from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She probably fat as fuck and those "tahtah's" are probably just an accumulation of all the fucking cans of crisco shes ate.

Me and my bros noticed something when were in college. Determining a girls age is just like trees. The cellulite on their legs are like rings on a tree. If we didn't know what year she was, just checked below the ass.

freshmen slam pieces are the shit. they are insecure and basically asking to get banged because of their insecurity. by fucking bros, they think that it increases their popularity. fucking slam pieces.

I think it's funny that you "bros" don't think you gain weight from attacking pizza late at night and drinking beer from sun up til sun down. At least women have make up to cover up their wrinkles. You guys are stuck with yourselves for life. Can't wait to get with an older guy who needs viagra to get it up.

this last anonymous quote was obviously a bro hating middle aged fat ass woman who is peeping on her bro sons history. shut the fuck up woman, bros can eat whatever we want cause we look good always. and viagra is a non issue for bros.

Bro if it's legal slam that piece, you can even slam 17 yr olds in some states and bros do drink beer and eat pizza etc. Cuz we are the shit but me and my bros have a" bro chef", for the the week between the gym and boozing, eating good keeps you looking good. It's also good to have a bromacist he's the dude with the script for all the shit.

im a bra and a freshman cheerleader in college and i gotta say i deeeefinitely love the older bros. college parties and upperclassmen bros are the best thing that ever happened to me. im more than happy to be their bra for the night and the next party be someone elses :P It keeps things fun and crazy!!

Excellent work, NYB. Banging freshman slampieces is a definite must for any self-respecting bro, for a number of reasons:

1) They haven't put on the freshman 15 yet. Take 'em to poundtown on move-in day and kick them to the curb before the weight piles on. There's always a new replacement crop of froshies just around the corner.

2) They're insecure as hell, making them ridiculously easy to bang.

3) They're naive and therefore open to suggestion regarding sex acts. "Yeah, babe - all the girls in college let guys cum on their face / do anal / get brazilian waxes / etc". Just tell her whatever you're into is standard sexual practice among upperclassmen girls, and she'll feel obligated to keep up with the Joneses.

4) A lot of them have bro-hating long-distance boyfriends left over from high school, which makes it even funnier when she cheats on him with you. I can't even count the number of Thanksgiving Break "Turkey Drop" breakups I've caused over the years. Hahahaha.

I fucking love move-in day. You and your bros can set up shop on the grass in front of the dorms with a couple 30-packs and just watch the fresh meat roll past like a goddamn Macy's Day whore parade. Introduce yourselves to the dimest pieces right off the bat and invite them to a "party" at your house that night. This makes them feel special their first day and is pretty much guaranteed to get the panties wet. I especially love introducing myself to a new slam in front of her parents. There's nothing better than flirting with a freshman slam, and then looking right in her Dad's face with an expression that says "I am going to fuck the shit out of your daughter tonight".

THis past week has been epic. The freshman cheerleaders are in trouble for being at a bar in their facebook pictures. That bar is the one in my Bropad. We have all taken down some freshman. ran shit at all three of my beer pong rooms and the bar/ grand central station to the pound town express has led a week long hot streak for me and all my bros.