October 25, 2004

Goalie shortage creates crisis

The early-season goalie crisis is changing the game, and some of the roadsters are grumbling.

So far, in two pre-season and two regular games, only one of last season's regular rearguards has strapped on the protective leg pads. Lobsterboy won his only start, in the exhibition opener, before embarking on his annual international scouting mission. The other goalies have yet to play; Ottoman is out of the lineup indefinitely as he recovers from a bout with kidney stones, Gump has yet to start after breaking his wrist in the off-season, and Pig Farming Goalie's career may be over after a series of knee injuries.

In their absence, Billy Idol and Lak Attack have stepped into the breach. Neither is a fulltime goalie, and the roadsters have had to adjust.

"When you've got the backup goalies out there, you've got to give them a little chance to warm up, get a feel for things, and not get overwhelmed too quickly," says Wendel. "You've got to push a little harder, try to block more shots and play better defense."

"You're not sure what they're going to do," says Unabomber. "You've gotta kinda be a bit more cautious about clearing out the rebounds."

Meanwhile, the neophyte netminders are biding their time, hoping the regulars will return. Soon. Lak Attack reported to training camp in the best shape he's been in in two years, but he has yet to get the chance to stretch his legs. And Billy Idol isn't having much fun facing down opponents' slapshots.

Please, Lobsterboy, don't make promises that your liver can't keep. You won't be at ball hockey Sunday. You and Paul One will be hold up in some gin joint, each wearing a five o'clock shadow and rumpled, reeking clothes, all the while two-fisting back cheap booze and lamenting what might have been for your ball hockey careers -- if only Hollywood had bothered to stick around, eh? You will take breaks from slurring about the good old days to stumble up to the karaoke machine and team up for Air Supply ballads, but, in the end, you'll be lost in the Hollywood haze.

I will be back this Sunday, to kick out rebounds, foil offensive barrages and to demean the goalie heroics of Billy Idol and Lak Attack. I will make Tekya into a Lobster-idol. Wendel-san, watashi wa bempi desu, modoshita imasu. Gei ga atsumaru basho wa doko desu ka? Kobayashi says hello!