FOLLOW US

Al Fayed declares ‘April Fool!’ over Diana ‘murder’ claims

Mohammed Al Fayed has dramatically ended the official enquiry into the death of Princess Diana by shouting ‘April Fool!’ and admitting that the entire ‘Prince Philip murder idea’ was a complete wind up that he always planned to ‘fess up to’ on April 1st.

The Harrods owner burst into fits of laughter at the High Court, as did his entire legal team, giggling even more when they saw the shocked and mortified faces of all the lawyers and witnesses who had spent the last six months trying to prove that the death of Diana was not ordered by the Duke of Edinburgh as part of an elaborate establishment conspiracy. ‘Of course Prince Philip didn’t arrange the death of Diana – what do you think I am, some sort of nutter?!’ he giggled. ‘I had you all going though didn’t I, you have to admit it?’

The official enquiry into Diana’s death has taken six months and cost £7 million, as lawyers attempted to disprove explosive allegations that the tragic death of the former Princess of Wales had not been an accident, that the horrific car crash and deaths of the other passengers in full view of the world’s press had all been part of a well planned murder plot by MI6 and the British royal family. But with al Fayed admitting that no one could seriously believe such a bizarre and implausible series of events, the entire enquiry has today completely fallen apart.

‘For God’s sake, think about it for a second!’ laughed Al Fayed on the steps of the High Court; ‘The Queen’s husband somehow arranging the murder of the most famous woman in the world, as she was being followed by the paparazzi, relying on her not to wear her seat belt, requiring the French authorities to be in on the consipiracy while the driver volunteered to commit suicide – durr! Hello?’

Several jurors expressed anger at having completely wasted half a year of their lives for such a pointless exercise. ‘My business has completely gone down the pan while I’ve been here listening to all this rubbish…’ said one. ‘I don’t think it was a very funny joke at all.’ But Al Fayed was unrepentant; ‘When I first demanded an enquiry I thought everyone would just say “Don’t be ridiculous, what’s the point?” But amazingly it was granted, and highly paid grown adults have taken six months to conclude the bleedin’ obvious,’ he chuckled

However the news of Al Fayed’s comic ‘gotcha’ has shocked diehard conspiracy theorists. ‘This just proves that the conspiracy was even wider than we first thought. Mohammed Al Fayed was in on it from the beginning as well. And Dodi and Diana, they were in on it too.’