Man With World's Biggest Penis Weighs In On Jon Hamm's Girth: "His Problem Is His Balls"

We learn around fifth grade that the more you tell people to stop talking about something that makes you self-conscious, they will talk about it even more. (My rude awakening to this phenomenon involved a Hebrew School bully named Ashley Goldfond who kept insisting that I bought my clothes from "the rag shop." That is NOT even a real store, Ashley Goldfond.)

With additional rumors involving AMC's not-so-subtly purchasing briefs for Hamm as a roundabout request for him to put his penis away, Jon Hamm Penis-Gate evolved into an argument about the sexual objectification of celebrities, the double standard when it comes to actresses' speaking out against media ogling of their own bodies (Christina Hendricks, anyone), and generally... well, gave Jon Hamm's penis even more airtime.

As a last-ditch effort, Hamm's now instated a new waist-up photo shoot rule, according to a friend of the Mad Men actor on the gossip website Naughty Or Nice Rob:

"He wants to be shot from the waist up moving forward. You will notice that on the Rolling Stone cover he is currently on does not show all of Jon, just him from the waist up. The poor guy is at a loss. He thinks of himself as an actor, not a celebrity. He is not interested in fame, just the work. He is frightened that he is becoming an Internet joke. But everything he has done so far to stop this has failed. One thing is for sure, you will never see him walking down the street again commando, never!"

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, YOU GUYS.

If you think Jon Hamm's ham is the most impressive one out there, you're forgetting about Jonah Falcon, who, at 13.5 inches, officially possesses the world's biggest penis. And Falcon has some pragmatic, disillusioning information for y'all about the reality of Jon Hamm's penis : testicle ratio. Via HuffPo:

"I'm willing to bet his problem is his balls. Balls cause the most bulges. His penis is not going down his pant leg like mine. I prefer constriction myself. As you get older, your balls drop and need support. If it's his penis that's causing the problem, he can point it up like European men."

Ah! I saw a guy in a Speedo in a hot tub doing that once. I thought it was just misshapen or whatever. You never stop learning, do you?