10

Ten years ago today, I drove away from my life in LA. I was going to write about that, about some of the lessons, the new possibilities, the things that surprised me. But instead, I think I’ll write a brief note about the things that get in the way.

Not from an“out there” perspective. No, from an“in here” perspective. These things preceded my life in Los Angeles, and they certainly followed me to my now home, Seattle. They could be seen as things that define me, but I think it’s more appropriate to say that they are things that conceal me. They obstruct the light that lives in this heart.

It’s not really fair to point to them and say,“see? That’s the problem!” (Even is that’s partly what I’m up to right now). No, this is in so many ways a consensual relationship. I have a choice here, even though it so often doesn’t feel that way.

I often wonder how honest I am with myself about how frequently I actually throw these obstacles in my path. Am I simply unwilling to look at that honestly? Or, and this causes me to shudder, do I actually enjoy it?

This one I’m going to let hang here for a moment.

These obstacles are beliefs. They are feelings. They are behaviors. They are as comfortable as an old pair of slippers, and as reliable as a good friend. They don’t let me down when called upon. They are as predictable as the sunrise. To say that they don’t serve me is a mis-statement. They serve a kind of protecting. They serve a holding on to the one and only way of being that I’ve truly ever understood. That is why they will pull out all the stops when necessary.

This is one of the gifts that has revealed itself around this 10 year mark. It’s a beautiful thing, to have this kind of predictability. And it’s gotta go.