They are three Swedish dudes. They play a bunch of songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and there’s a part people sing along to and then the bass comes back in going “boom boom boom.” Sometimes there are angel sounds.

It is important to note that the three members of Swedish House Mafia do not function as individuals separate and independent from the Swedish House Mafia itself. Simply stated, the three members of Swedish House Mafia will individually only play tracks that the Swedish House Mafia as a collective plays.

Last year, two of the three members of the Swedish Mafia, who play the exact same songs individually as the Swedish House Mafia plays as a group, headlined the Sahara two of the three nights of Coachella.

He’s Dutch. His songs go “Boom boom boom boom,” but they also have very fast high-pitched sounds that go “woop woop woop woop woop dee doop!” Sometimes Pitbull raps on his songs. He gets hip hop artists to sing on his songs, but David Guetta had hip hop artists sing on his songs first.

It is at times difficult to tell if you are listening to an Afrojack song or an LMFAO song.

He plays weird sounds and shows you weird pictures of things. He is different than other Sahara acts that play weird sounds and show you weird pictures of things, because liking the latter acts makes you a “light show monkey” but liking Amon Tobin makes you a “genius.” People typically stand around and look at the pictures.

He’s French. He’ll smoke cigarettes and twist some knobs on a little panel. Sometimes the music sounds like video game music. Other times it sounds like the Spawn soundtrack. His tracks are “bangin.” He will probably play a DJ Mehdi song. It will be a “moment.”

He does what SebastiAn does except he gets to do it because he’s friends with Deadmau5. Otherwise, nobody would give a shit. He will also play dubstep. Everyone will be happy and go “fucking duuuuuuuubsteeeeeeep!”

Hip hop artists think that he needs to produce their songs now. He makes songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and everyone sings along and Usher sings over it and he holds his hands up in the air and then the bass comes back in. He has street cred because he worked with Akon. Afrojack does what he does.

He is in Swedish House Mafia. He will do what Swedish House Mafia does, including playing the exact same songs. When he plays the Sahara, four of the previous five nights of Coachella will have featured at least one individual member of the Swedish House Mafia or the Swedish House Mafia itself. The individual members of the Swedish House Mafia play the same songs as the Swedish House Mafia.

They are French and will smoke like SebastiAn and play music like SebastiAn, except there are two of them, so people think they are geniuses. They have a cross that lights up. People see it and are like “Fucking sick!” Then they’re all “Fucking Just-ees!” because they think that’s how French people say “Justice.”

He is a Swedish DJ that plays songs that go “Boom boom boom boom” and then the bass drops out and then people sing along and then the bass comes back in, except he is not a member of Swedish House Mafia.

He is kind of like David Guetta in that he makes music with Rihanna. He probably won’t play that Rihanna song though. He made an album that sounded like it was made in the 1980s except it was “nu.” Then he made another album and it just sounded like Kaskade, David Guetta, Avicii, Sebastian Ingrosso, Afrojack, and Swedish House Mafia. He’ll probably play the songs that sound like Kaskade, David Guetta, Avicii, Sebastian Ingrosso, Afrojack, and Swedish House Mafia.

When he talks it sounds like "blah-blah-fuckity-blah" and when he farts it sounds like "whooooooooooosh." Instead of doing anything proactive with his life, he spends an absurd amount of time on the internet bitching about a single stage of a festival that features world-class talent in a multitude of other genres on a half dozen stages. He acts upset that people make music that millions of other people like because he wants people on the internet to think he's cooler than those millions of people, but if those millions of people started to like the music he currently likes, he wouldn't like it anymore because then he wouldn't be cool anymore.

I'd wager the Skillrex/ original mix get played at least 27 times combined, each day. My question is how many kids going to see Avicii know any of his other songs besides Levels? The crowd is going to be a repeat of Duck Sauce last year.