NFC East - Vodka

1. Dallas Cowboys

Grey GooseI’m a massive believer in the New York Giants and believe they’re due for one of their incredible runs through the postseason on the road. However, more on that later.For the season though, the Dallas Cowboys are in a league of their own in this division, hence the Grey Goose comparison because while lots of vodkas are pretty similar, Grey Goose is one of the best. The Cowboys’ biggest question mark lies at the running back position, but I fully expect the passing game to pick up that slack.Without argument, these Cowboys have the best offensive line in the game, and that was only strengthened by wisely grabbing La’el Collins off the free agency wire when the draft was over. That will give Tony Romo an eternity and a half to throw the ball to his receiver of choice, be it Dez Bryant or tight end Jason Witten.The one thing the Cowboys will have to find is a defense against the pass. Morris Claiborne seems to have been a bust at this point, so drafting Byron Jones to play corner should remedy that situation. The team also grabbed defensive end Randy Gregory in the second round of the draft, a steal at that position.However, I expect this offense to be the team’s catalyst. The defense isn’t perfect, but in the NFL, points can win you championships.

2. New York Giants

Absolut When you consider what the Giants are marching out this year on offense, there’s no reason to not believe they’re poised for another stunning Super Bowl run. Naturally there are going to be questions surrounding the younger Manning brother, but with Odell Beckham Jr. and a (soon-to-be, hopefully) healthy Victor Cruz, how can he be as erratic as years past?Additionally, they have 3 running backs that, while they aren’t stars, have shown some flashes in the past. Drafting Ereck Flowers was probably their best move to help protect Eli, which this team has been dreadful at ever since he’s been the starter. On defense, there are a lot of statements that begin with “I hope” but two things to keep in mind – middle linebacker Jon Beason missed 12 games last season. His return should be incredibly helpful to the run defense, which was awful in 2014. Plus, Landon Collins, the team’s second round draft pick, will help sure up the secondary.You heard it from me – the Giants are making one more Super Bowl run this season.

3. Philadelphia Eagles

Smirnoff It’s probably unwise to categorize the Eagles with such a vague, well-known vodka instead of one that truly stands out. The issue, children, is that alcohols that usually stand out do so because of how unbelievably good or bad they are. I do not believe the Eagles are either of those.Now, if there was a vodka with an awesome name and could make you fly, then that would be a good comparison – because no matter how good or bad it is, you’d certainly remember it. And that is the Philadelphia Eagles under Chip Kelly in 2015. Kelly traded LeSean McCoy – what a racist (sarcastic eye roll) – and quarterback Nick Foles and has essentially re-built his offense.Do I think there’s talent when it comes to Sam Bradford? Sure. Do I trust that he can stay on the field for 16 games after missing 2 years due to tearing the same ACL twice? Not. Even. A little. And even if he is healthy, look at this corps of receivers – Jordan Matthews, Nelson Agholor, and Riley Cooper. Certainly plenty of potential there, but definitely no sure things. And of course, let’s remember DeMarco Murray, who I project being on the injured list by Week 4.Now, the defense is also in some trouble with DeMeco Ryans injured, and it’s unclear as to whether he’ll be ready for the season opener. Kiko Alonso is coming off ACL surgery. The good? Byron Maxwell will be there to help sure up the pass defense. The most interesting season may just be that of the Philadelphia Eagles.

4. Washington Redskins

Heaven HillOy. The Redskins get the true bottom of the barrel when it comes to vodka – my lone experience with Heaven Hill vodka resulted in Ryan’s kitchen floor being coated with the half-digested Chipotle burrito I’d had for dinner that evening. That should pretty much sum up the Redskins’ 2015 campaign.You have a quarterback and head coach that can’t get along or even agree on a gameplan at the very least. Even if they could, Robert Griffin III has two receivers – Desean Jackson and rookie Jamison Crowder – struggling to get on the field and remain healthy.The only hope that the offense has this season is Alfred Morris.Need more? The ‘Skins were 24th against the pass in 2015 and things aren’t exactly looking up. Ryan Kerrigan can’t save a secondary whose star is 12th-year cornerback DeAngelo Hall.Washington will be your first overall pick in the 2016 NFL Draft.

NFC North - Rum

1. Green Bay Packers

Captain MorganOkay, so when it comes to how good the Packers are going to be again, you could argue that this should be something a lot better than Captain Morgan. However, given how good they consistently are and how many fans outside Green bay like the Packers, it seems like a perfect comparison. Do you know anyone that doesn’t like Captain Morgan? If your answer is yes, then you have an imaginary friend, or one that lives in Minnesota, Detroit, or Chicago.The Jordy Nelson injury is certainly going to be felt, but it’ll be felt softly. There’s not a doubt in the world how good Nelson is, but let’s not act like Nelson has made Rodgers… it’s been the other way around. At most, I think the cheese-heads will be going from 14-2 to 12-4. Randall Cobb better be ready for the big time – same can be said of DaVante Adams.Green Bay rarely puts together a rock solid defense but this season’s should be able to carry their weight. Julius Peppers will return to the frozen tundra for his second season there, and Ha Ha Clinton-Dix will team with Sam Shields to lead a secondary that just added Quinten Rollins and DaMarious Randall in the Draft.There will be a lot of scoring even without Nelson, and you can just go ahead and expect the Packers to put together another solid season.2. Minnesota Vikings

Bacardi I’m going to go ahead and jump on the Minnesota Vikings bandwagon with quite a few people. As a University of Kentucky graduate, it kills me to admit that I think Teddy Bridgewater will wind up being a good NFL quarterback. He’s now got a solid receiving corps with Mike Wallace and Cordarrelle Patterson, and having AP on the field takes a lot of pressure off of him.Via the Draft in May, the Vikings acquired Trae Waynes, Eric Kendricks, and Danielle Hunter, all defensive players that Minnesota will need. They had a lot of struggles in that department last season, particularly against the run. Expect Kendricks to replace MLB Audie Cole, who I personally blame for the abysmal run defense – he had 26 tackles in 16 games as a fucking inside linebacker!If Mike Zimmer’s defense can form around the young guys like Waynes, Xavier Rhodes and Shariff Floyd, the Vikings are going to be a force to be reckoned with. I won’t make any bold predictions surrounding the team because I really like the NFC West, but don’t forget about Minnesota.

3. Detroit Lions

Cruzan Most people probably don’t know that Cruzan is a thing. I can tell you that I had never heard of it until I worked as a bartender and one of the drinks had Cruzan in it – and even then, it took me forever to remember it was rum. The Lions seem to go about that route year after year – always overlooked, never really discussed.Coming off a solid 2014 campaign, I fully expect the Lions to take a small step backwards. Small, yes, but that small step is going to keep them from the postseason.They’ve lost their main guy on defense, Ndamukong Suh. It’s great that they signed Haloti Ngata, but he’s injured and questionable to start the season. Joique Bell is likely to start the season on the PUP list, leaving the running duties to second-year back Theo Riddick and rookie Ameer Abdullah, who is certainly turning some heads.Of course, Matthew Stafford has Megatron and Golden Tate who came on strong last season. If the running game can come together to complement the passing game (it ranked 28th in the NFL last season), then Detroit will contend.Unfortunately, with Suh gone, I don’t see anyone stopping AP, Eddie Lacy, or Aaron Rodgers.4. Chicago Bears

Malort According to an article by a dude named Keith Veronese, “[Malort is] a harsh, extremely unpalatable beverage with an hour-long bitter aftertaste.” And it’s fun that Malort is made in Chicago because that’s about the same taste in your mouth the Chicago Bears are going to leave this season.For many years, I was a Jay Cutler apologist. I thought he was ousted from Denver unfairly and continued to believe he could take the Bears to the NFC Championship for years to come. Wow, excuse me while I wipe the egg from my face.Cutler’s numbers don’t appear all bad, but his performance in big game situations is downright ugly. Combine that with my belief that Matt Forte is due to take a step back, the team reached for Kevin White in the Draft (worth noting here that White is missing at least 6 weeks with a shin injury), Alshon Jeffery will not be a good WR1, and the defense against the pass is going to be ugly again this season – it was ranked 30th last season and hasn’t done much to improve (Antrel Rolle isn’t enough to save them).I won’t go so far as to say the Bears will fall below the Redskins, but I would be more than happy to say the Bears will be in the market for a quarterback in the 2016 Draft with a top 5 pick.

NFC South - Whiskey

1. Atlanta Falcons

Jack DanielsAtlanta certainly had a rough go of it in 2014, but a lot of that had to do with being one of the most injury-depleted teams in recent memory. Now that the recovery period has taken place, we can put them in the ‘Jack Daniels’ category because let’s be honest – no one in the NFC South deserves to be Woodford Reserve or Makers’ Mark.All joking aside (no joke, though, this division blows), the Falcons are going to be markedly better in 2015. Their biggest issue was on defense, which can be proven by the fact that they were dead last in that category. Drafting Vic Beasley and Jalen Collins will help remedy that issue, particularly as it pertains to the pass rush that John Abraham left behind.From a fantasy standpoint, there’s no doubting what you’ll get with Matt Ryan or Julio Jones, but the running game stands to be an interesting watch. Devonta Freeman had some good showings in 2014, but the team went out and took Indiana running back Tevin Coleman in the Draft. Drafting either guy will be a risk, but wrap all this shit together, and you’ve got a nice turnaround in Atlanta.

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Jim BeamMaybe I’m being naïve just like last season when I chose the Bucs to go 11-5 and win the NFC south, but I think the Bucs are going to put up quite a few more wins in 2015. Doug Martin has looked pretty solid this preseason, for starters, and the team has hope at the receiver position with Vincent Jackson and Mike Evans leading the charge.The same naivety lies in my taste for Jim Beam. You buy it and go “man this will lead to a good place.” One bloody shirt, a missing tooth, and massive hangover later, you realize you should’ve thought further about that. But, I’m staying on this fucking train.Naturally, the eyes are going to be on rookie Jameis Winston, who I’m buying into. Much of the Bucs’ struggles post-Jon Gruden have come because of a rotating quarterback situation – Josh Freeman, Mike Glennon and (duh) Josh McCown proved not to be the answers. Winston has the makings of a good NFL quarterback – he’s not Andrew Luck, but he’ll win some games for Tampa Bay.The team also evened out their defensive ends, exiling Michael Johnson back to Cincinnati. George Johnson and Jacqules Smith as the natural starters should get a lot of pressure on Cam Newton and Drew Brees. 3. Carolina Panthers

Crown RoyalCrown Royal isn’t so bad, but in my experience at bars, it’s often the forgotten liquor, especially amongst the whiskey world. People will often opt for the Jack Daniels or even bottom shelf Kentucky Tavern, but Crown goes unnoticed in most bars.Such is the case for Carolina. Fun fact – the Carolina Panthers won the NFC South in 2014. True story. I’d make a further point about how forgettable their season and division title were, but that could be said of the NFC South as a whole, so I’ll move on.Now, all that being said – the Panthers are in deep trouble with Kelvin Benjamin on the shelf for the season. I doubt anyone can name the next starting receiver after Benjamin (it’s rookie Devin Funchess, a rookie out of Michigan who was a tight end).Luke Kuechly is not enough to save this team. The Panthers’ defense will keep them in some games, but with their top receiver done and an aging running back leading the way, it’ll be rough for them to stay out of the fuckin’ cellar.

4. New Orleans Saints

Kentucky TavernAh yes, the once mighty New Orleans Saints. Here’s a team that garnered Super Bowl predictions last season and wound up as massive disappointments.So, why the comparison to Kentucky Tavern? Well there’s always that chance that KT will be a good call on a given Friday night, but odds are it’ll have terrible results. And that is what we’re dealing with in New Orleans. There will always be hope with Drew Brees and Sean Payton at the helm, hence the attraction to the Saints. With Jimmy Graham shipped off to Seattle, Brandin Cooks is Brees’ new go-to guy and you will just have to forgive me for not buying into that yet. The defensive line is mostly highlighted by John Jenkins and Ashaad Mabry. Any defensive production is going to have to come from the secondary, which is actually not bad at all. Going across, the team has Brandon Browner, Kenny Vaccaro, Jalrus Byrd and Keenan Lewis.If… massive if… that secondary can keep offenses at bay, then this Saints team can hang in there. However, the mini-dynasty that was the New Orleans Saints appears to be over.

NFC West - Gin

1. Seattle Seahawks

Plymouth Plymouth is by far the best gin on the list of comparisons, even against a stellar selection like Tanqueray. The Seahawks, despite being in one of the NFL’s toughest divisions, might be the heaviest favorites in the NFL to win their division (save for the Green Bay Packers).So the Seahawks lost Byron Maxwell. Cary Williams and Will Blackmon aren’t quite what Maxwell was, but they’re more than capable of covering receivers opposite Richard Sherman. The defense has managed to stay together, so it’s the offense that has clearly separated this team.Seattle has gone to back to back Super Bowls without a true big name receiver, unless you want to categorize Percy Harvin as such (don’t). Now, Jimmy Graham is a Seahawk.Expect big things once again from the Seahawks. 2. Arizona Cardinals

Tanqueray Let’s pretend for just a second that it’s possible for there to be a fantasy draft for coaches. I would have to believe that Bruce Arians is absolutely the first pick. The man has won 2 AP Coach of the Year awards in 3 years, one of which came in Indy where he wasn’t the actual coach. Bill Belichick is a solid option, Pete Carroll has built a dynasty, and John Harbaugh has been a model of consistency. But give me Arians.Arizona has a defense with some talent but they massively underachieved in 2014, despite the 11-5 record. Patrick Peterson took a step backward, which can’t happen again.The offense, meanwhile, is going to be dependent on what Carson Palmer can bring to the table after a second torn ACL. He was putting together one of his better seasons before the injury and with a corps of receiver like Larry Fitzgerald, Michael Floyd, and John Brown – all underappreciated by the way – how could he not?It will also be interesting to see what newcomers Jermaine Gresham and Chris Johnson bring to the table. The tight end position is a huge weak point in the desert and Andre Ellington has real injury problems. The Cards are going to string together a lot of wins but unfortunately for them, they will be 2nd best in this division.

3. St. Louis Rams

Beefeater I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most people can’t tell the difference between Tanqueray and Beefeater. It’s a weak comparison but I would venture to say that there won’t be a huge difference between the Rams and Cardinals this season.Of the two, I would take the Cardinals, but the Rams have a lot to grow on. New quarterback Nick Foles is an upgrade over Sam Bradford (yes he is, fuck you) and he’ll have a group of decent receivers to throw to. Kenny Britt, while a troubled man, is a veteran presence on the team and young guys Brian Quick and Tavon Austin all provide viable targets for Foles.Tre Mason is going to start for at least a couple of games, as rookie Todd Gurley – often billed as one of the best backs taken in years – is still recovering from his torn ACL he suffered last season at Georgia. The defense is loaded with a solid pass rush attack and a run attack that should be improved. Chris Long and James Laurinaitis lead a defense that also has Alec Ogletree and Janoris Jenkins.Will the Rams be a playoff team? No, but 8 or 9 wins? Definitely a possibility.

4. San Francisco 49ers

Seagram’s It’s crazy how far a team can fall in just 2 years in the NFL. Colin Kaepernick is no longer the franchise quarterback people thought he may be back when he was in the Super Bowl, the ageless Frank Gore has left town, and the curtain has finally closed on the Aldon Smith show.Carlos Hyde is the one guy that can save this offense. Is it possible that with Anquan Boldin (old), Torrey Smith (new system, new role, etc.), and Vernon Davis, the 49ers’ offense can come together and put points on the board? It’s possible, but it’s possible in the way that it’s possible Blake Bortles wins an MVP award in 2015 – sure, there’s a small possibility but let’s just call it what it is – impossible. As if the team’s complete depletion weren’t enough, Jim Tomsula is not Jim Harbaugh. You can say what you want about how well Harbaugh did or didn’t get along with the 49ers’ front office, but that that franchise turned away a man who did what he did for San Francisco is bullshit. The 49ers were terrible for a decade and within 3 years, Harbaugh had them in 3 NFC Championships and a Super Bowl.At this point, this team is now too depleted to compete in the NFC West.