Reader's Dilemma: I Tried to Get Even With My Fiancé for Cheating on Me, But I Just Messed It Up Worse. Help?

In this reader's case, revenge might be a dish best never served at all.

She writes:

*"I've been engaged for almost a year now and I was really happy until I found out he had been sexting a lot of other girls through dating sites and Facebook. He doesn't consider it cheating, but I do. He says it only happens when he's drunk and he never remembers it, so I tried to forgive him and move forward but I was really struggling with the hurt and anger. Then, he talked to a few more girls so I ended up hanging out with my ex with the intent of getting even. I have no feelings for my ex, and it was purely platonic--the most that happened was a one armed hug--but I knew it would piss my fiancé off and I felt guilty about being sneaky, so I came clean to him. Now he thinks that I cheated on him, and he's been staying with his brother for the past few days and acting weird and posting stuff on Facebook basically saying that I did. Obviously, I was wrong and immature to go hang out with my ex as payback and I have admitted that to him and apologized, but why is he acting like I cheated on him when he's the one who cheated on me multiple times? I don't know what to do because I love him, but he's being crazy and making stuff up!"*Oof, this is a disaster that needs some tough love. I know you love your fiancé, and I only know this one paragraph of information about him so I might be wrong…but he sounds like bad news to me.

Yes, you messed up by trying to "get even" with him. That's not productive and I can see why he would be hurt and suspicious that you hung out with your ex. But I'm not going to berate you any further, because you already know it was wrong, and you admitted it and apologized. That's a lot more than he's done. Plus, your behavior was done in the heat of anger and hurt feelings and while that doesn't excuse it, it does make it more understandable. And PLUS, you didn't even do anything technically wrong!

On the other hand, your fiancé's behavior is just totally the pits. First, the sexting! Ugh. I am on your side here and would definitely consider it cheating, or at least behavior I would not be cool with in a relationship. OK, so maybe he didn't realize that crossed a line for you (I'm majorly giving the benefit of the doubt here; according to our survey, 80% of guys DO consider it cheating), but the fact that you told him that it felt like cheating to you and he DID IT AGAIN is unacceptable. Here are some more things he's done I find unacceptable: refusing to be even remotely rational about your apology after you so graciously tried to forgive him and airing your personal business on Facebook.

If you really want to work things out with him, you guys need to do some serious work on your relationship because here's the thing: if you get married, you're both going to mess up again at some point. Hopefully not to the degree of cheating, but your relationship won't be perfect because no one's is. So what really concerns me is how you'll be able to handle those times. Specifically, your fiancé, who seems completely insensitive to your feelings and unapologetic about his behavior, and talks trash about you on the Internet. Is that how you want all your marital business handled? If he won't have a mature discussion about what happened, please get him out of your life. And if he is willing to talk, you both need to figure out how you're going to deal with problems in the future so you don't have a repeat of this disaster. This means a clear definition of your boundaries, a re-building of trust, and a firm agreement as to have you will privately handle any disagreements going forward. If he can't deliver on those things, he's not a man you should marry.

What would you do in our reader's shoes? Would you consider her fiancé's behavior cheating? Can they fix what they've both done?

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