Why NBA JAM sucks

Remember when home consoles were still new (NES, Genesis, etc) and the only way to make the game harder was for the computer to cheat? The computer controlled character would suddenly run through a wall, get shot and not notice, kill you in a single hit, or some other ridiculous thing that was clearly impossible for you to do. Well, in trying to recreate a classic game in NBA Jam, EA Sports has managed to make us all remember how the computer cheats. Below I will review some of the things to hate about the new NBA Jam and how the computer cheats.

The first thing about NBA Jam is that size matters. If you are a fan of Dwyane Wade, Rajon Rondo, Baron Davis, or any other player smaller than a power forward then you are screwed. At higher difficulty levels the only thing that matters is size. Why is this so? Well, because the computer cheats. Take Dwyane Wade vs. Chris Kaman. If Kaman is the CPU and you are playing as Wade, you are clearly at a huge disadvantage at Hard or Insane difficulty. Let's say you are on a break away and Kaman is behind you. Wade being so much faster than Kaman you should be fine to dunk or shoot and easily score a basket. Not so. Kaman, who is much slower, can still push you from behind. If you go up for a dunk, Kaman can magically get ahead of you and then block your dunk. And don't even mention shooting, because in NBA Jam, there is no such thing as being able to shoot. You will be blocked pretty much every time, regardless. But what about the opposite, Kaman, the CPU, has the ball and you, Wade, are chasing him down. Well, he can push you from behind so you try to return the favor, but unfortunately you're just too slow and pushing the CPU from behind doesn't work, even though they do it to you. So, you try to run ahead to get a block when he goes up for a dunk. Again, no, you will not make it in time. You can't block him from behind either, so don't try. Long and short, the CPU can do things you can't, and it is frustrating and annoying. Controlling throwing frustrating.

Another example is this. Let's say you learn this magical double turbo tap feature to throw elbows. Well, have fun using it on the harder difficulties, because your elbows will literally go through the CPU's head, then they will push you and take the ball. But I dare you to approach them when they throw 'bows, because you will get knocked down. Always.

Or, when you get knocked down and still have the ball, try to throw it to your teammate. Notice how often the CPU snags it out of the air as you try and throw. The ball hits their body and, stealing it, they are running down the court for a monster dunk. However, if you knock them down, they can often throw the ball through your body to their teammate. WTF? Angry video game nerd, where are you to get pissed at this?

Or, how about the, "I'm in midair and the computer, who is on the ground, pushed me over!!!" Yes, this also happens. Go ahead and try to push the computer when they are in midair. What happens? Oh yeah, nothing.

Now, I don't mind that at harder difficulty levels the computer is able to avoid your steals more often, is better at stealing, rarely misses, and takes full advantage of shoving. These things are all within the game and you can do them too if you are good enough. But as soon as the computer can "move" outside the game, then I'm no longer a happy gamer.

Some other things that really bother me about this game...

They only gave the announcer a few new phrases. C'mon guys, there should be so many awesome phrases that I don't have to hear the same one within the first two minutes of me buying the game. There should be enough awesome phrases that I don't want to hit mute within the first day of playing. Really?

Also, 21 isn't fun. Just saying.

Did I mention jump shooting is pointless and stupid and you will always get blocked by any decent competition? This makes Steve Nash one of the most useless players ever. Yeah, I get that the name of the game implies and emphasis on dunking, but c'mon! Isaiah Thomas was one of the best players in the original because of his amazing 3 point shooting. Steve Nash is horrible to play with, and so great to play against because he is completely useless. Blocking his layups, jump shots, or 3 pointers is laughably easy and I feel sorry for any Nash fans.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, why on earth do they even have fire? It does almost no good. It's not like you can take jump shots in this game, because they will always be blocked. It's not like it helps on defense to have infinite turbo because of the new shove counter. Even if you get an open jump shot, you are only marginally more likely to make it while on fire. The only reason you may want to ever get on fire is to do a dunk where you jump higher. Stupid. Just stupid. Getting on fire was one of the greatest things about the original, because when you were on fire you were UNSTOPPABLE!!!! Now, being on fire just means a reddish ball and a bigger dunk. Big freakin' deal.

NBA Jam comes so close to living up to the hype. It can be a great game and great fun. Play with friends, play the different modes, and relive your childhood. Just don't get too angry having to relive the "computer cheats" moments of growing up.

Comments (1)

practice and you shall be better, grasshopper

...and i'm not even a gamer. I completed the Campaign mode in the Insane difficulty mode my first time playing the game. Yes i lost a lot, but just keep at it. That's why you buy a game, not to give up and go whine on an article such as this a bit prematurely. Yes theres lots of truth to what you said about how they block nearly everything, steal nearly everything, etc., but the more i played it the better i got. now nobody beats me, and it only took me maybe around a week or two. The key for defense: TIMING; knowing how to set up right for the monster blocks. I'm able to get the ball, and yes from behind too sometimes, almost 40 percent of the time. Stealing is tougher because as soon as you try, the cpu will either pass it almost to the tee as when you press the button and the other player is already up in the air ready for the ally oop. It's called insane for a reason, but there are ways around it. I tried playing Normal mode, and wow was it easy. I scored 110 points my first try. The key for offense: crossovers, since they cant steal it as much, know the "patterns" of their defensive strategies (like the PacMan ghosts); layups---yup, i said it, they can't block them as easily as dunks---but of course theres no way i'll play a whole game doing them----i just love the dunks too much so you gotta time it just right to where the defender is just off-center to where he can't block you; and knowing the areas on the court where you can dunk/layup at a higher percentage than the rest of the court. The middle is tough since they're right there and more than likely they'll block it or steal it; and finally, passing. Passing just in the nick of time is how to get them off balance. And that, my friend, is why NBA Jam rocks (except for the On Fire part---in the original you could make almost ANY Shot on the court!)