“On Behalf Of The Men Who Have Cheated”

I hate when women ask questions like “Why can’t a man just keep IT in his pants?” Or when women make blanket, blind statements like “What a wife does or does not do in the bedroom has nothing to do with the husband cheating. Husbands make a vow before God, family and friends to not cheat on his wife.” My response is that the woman standing beside the man while he was making his vows to be a husband also made some vows to be a wife. A big part of being a wife is pleasing your husband sexually.

I recently met at an undisclosed location with a panel of ten husbands who were currently cheating on their wives. (I am the RelationshipBeast, Dr. Phil won’t go to the gutter to get that really, real intel like me! Oprah would not be allowed in the room with a panel of ten men who are currently cheaters! I said current cheaters! Not ten-year-ago-I-was-cheating-because-I-was-doing-cocaine-cheaters! REAL CHEATERS! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! (Dear Oprah, no disrespect. Get at me. Dr. Phil, I hope you been saving. I am coming for your spot.)

Nine out of the ten husbands that are currently cheating said that if they were getting the same sex after the wedding date that they were getting before the wedding date that they would not be cheating. Let me say that again but differently: Nine out of the ten husbands said that their wives are not handling their bit-ness! A husband is a man first, and a man is going to have sex. Wives, if you don’t care to have a healthy sex life with your husband, you don’t have to but when you find out that his sex life is healthy without you . . . don’t be mad.

Yesterday I was in a counseling session with a wife that was an emotional mess after finding out that her husband was cheating. (He was not a member of the panel.) She said this in her cry voice (I am not making fun of her! Just trying to write an entertaining article for y’all. Now read this in your cry voice.) “Mr. RelationshipBeast he told me that she does things to him that no woman has ever done to him. He said that no woman has ever made him feel the way that she makes him feel.” I said something that made her abruptly stop crying. I said, “How you let some other trick turn yo husband out?” (I am the RelationshipBeast! Don’t be coming at me thinking that I am not going to keep it real with you! I am here to save the Institution of Marriage and change the way that people date and relate. It’s not personal, it’s just business.)

I don’t believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I don’t believe in divorce either so therefore, I must believe in rehabilitation, counseling and re-commitment. The first step in saving a marriage that is in the midst of a cheating scandal is to figure out why the dude was cheating. She said that her husband was willing to talk to me so I called him.

RelationshipBeast: Why did you cheat?

Husband: I haven’t been getting any at home. No sex, no intimacy, no affection.

RelationshipBeast: Why not?

Husband: Well, we have been arguing a lot lately. We are just not getting along. It’s always something.

RelationshipBeast: I tell men everyday “If your woman is always arguing with you, it is because she thinks that you are a woman.” The man is the Director of Communication in the household. Arguments mean that the communication is bad, which means that the Director of Communication is under qualified and will certainly have to be replaced at some point. The MAN must take responsibility for communication. If communication is not going well, if conversation is not going well, if she is not listening to you, then you need to shut up and listen to her. Once she feels that you are hearing her she will stop talking. (Ok, a certain percentage of that previous statement is not true but you get the point.)