Summary: Find out how you can practice forgiveness
in daily life and in different situations.

By forgiveness we mean having a change of attitude and feelings
towards others by voluntarily letting go of negative emotions and
past grudges against them. Usually, it involves showing empathy,
compassion, pity and understanding for the actions or the behavior
that led to them. Forgiveness is not ignoring, avoiding or forgetting,
but a change a heart or a shift in thinking and attitude towards
the perceived wrongdoer or the wrongdoing. The cause may be real
or imaginary or even irrational.

When forgiveness becomes necessary

Forgiveness becomes necessary when one engages in wrongful, thoughtless
or irrational actions which produce negative consequences for oneself
and others. The following are a few examples of where the practice
of forgiveness or the need for it becomes necessary.

Causing hurt or injury: When your actions cause
hurt, harm or injury to others or to yourself, you may have to seek
forgiveness and make amends with those who are affected by them.
That hurt may be physical or mental or even spiritual. It may be
caused by willful and intentional actions or due to negligence,
carelessness, inattentiveness, wrong judgment, or recklessness.
Some extreme forms of hurt such as violence, murder, rape and child
abuse are considered mortal sins in many cultures for which lifelong
suffering is the only solution.

Being untruthful, dishonest or deceptive: If
you ever betray the trust of your close relations, you have to seek
forgiveness. There is no other way. When others do it, you have
the right to expect it from them. Close relationships thrive on
trust, truth and honesty. If they are not upheld, relationships
will collapse and bring disrepute to those who engage in it. The
trust may never be regained, even after forgiveness. Sometimes the
feelings of hurt and betrayal may be so deep that even forgiveness
may not completely repair the relationship.

Taking things without permission: If you take
anything from others which truly belongs to them without their consent
and permission, it invariably requires that you seek forgiveness
for your actions. Stealing literally means taking from others without
permission or consent what does not truly belong to one. It can
be an idea, possession, privilege, name, identity, relationship
or opportunity. We live in a competitive world, where people resort
to theft as a shortcut to success. Stealing can take many forms,
other than physical theft. It can be exploitation, bribery, tax
fraud, scam, overpricing of products and services, accounting-fraud,
and so on.

Infidelity, betrayal or disloyalty: Those who
are married or in an intimate relationship with their partners have
a sacred responsibility to keep their marriage vows or abide in
certain moral and ethical values which are essential to keep the
relationships. When they do not observe them, they may seek forgiveness
a few times, and out of love or concern they may be forgiven. However,
it is doubtful whether repeated offenses will save their marriages
or relationships. Sometimes, the betrayal causes so much hurt that
the partners who are affected by it take a long time to heal and
recover from the shock and betrayal.

Why the practice of forgiveness is required?

We all make mistakes, knowingly or unknowingly, because of faults
in our thinking, perceptions, actions, judgment and decisions. Forgiveness
gives us an opportunity to recognize them and learn from them so
that we can become better human beings and avoid repeating them
in future. The practice of forgiveness has other benefits also such
as the following.

Healthier relationships. Forgiveness results
in improved relationships as misunderstanding, rancor and negativity
are cleared and rapport is established

Better health. Both physical and mental health
improve as forgiveness leads to lower blood pressure, stress and
anxiety, resulting in positive feelings of peace and happiness.

Improved self-esteem. Forgiveness empowers people
to feel confident and good about themselves, which in turn strengthens
their positive feelings of self-worth.

Increased focus: As people let go of their anger
and resentment and come to terms with their negativity through forgiveness,
they succeed in diverting their attention and energy to the current
reality and focus upon their goals and priorities rather than becoming
stuck in their past.

What are the steps in forgiveness?

There are three important aspects to the practice of forgiveness
namely forgiving oneself, forgiving others and seeking forgiveness
from others. In all the three situations, the act of forgiveness
is preceded by a change in one’s thinking and attitude, which may
be triggered by extraneous or intrinsic factors. The act of forgiveness
involves the following three stages or phases.

1. Awareness or realization: In this stage you
realize that something unusual happened or you made a mistake or
an error in judgment or action which has caused hurt or distress
to others. As it weighs upon your mind, you feel guilt, remorse
or sorrow for what happened. You also feel responsible for it and
want to do something about it to rectify the situation.

2. Confession: In this stage you make an honest
confession of your wrongful action, thought or decision to yourself,
or to the person who was affected by it or someone who might provide
you with right guidance or advice. The confession itself may lighten
your burden and feelings of guilt and empower you to proceed further
with any remedial action that may be necessary to rectify the situation.

3. Resolution: Having confessed your guilt,
you may then seek forgiveness from the person whom you might have
wronged or hurt. If the person forgives you, it brings the process
to conclusion. If you are not forgiven, you may ascertain what further
action is required and see whether you can do it. Otherwise, you
may move on, harboring no ill will and letting go of your negative
feelings.

4. Atonement: This is usually done in religious
practice when religious people believe they might have committed
some sin and thereby offended God or gods, earning their wrath.
As part of their atonement and self-cleansing, they may practice
penitence by offering prayers, performing rituals, fasting, etc.
Some may also forgo something, punish themselves, help others, give
charity, participate in religious service, observe some vows, etc.

How to forgive and seek forgiveness

You may practice forgiveness towards yourself or towards others.
In both situations, you must abide by certain rules. Your forgiveness
must be unconditional and without expectations. It must be voluntary,
genuine and sincere, must be motivated by compassion and love rather
than self-interest, and must be complete and final. The same principles
apply when you want to forgive yourself.

We all indulge in self-criticism and negative self-talk and assailed
by our own negativity. Therefore, self-forgiveness becomes equally
important. Forgiveness is not excusing, not forgetting, not avoiding,
not suppressing your negativity, or not striking a deal. It is a
one-sided act, borne from the generosity of your character, nobility
and virtue, in which you willingly release the other person or persons
from your negative thoughts and unpleasant memories.

1. Forgiving yourself

This is entirely in your hands, since you are both the one who
forgives and the one who is forgiven. For many people it is not
easy as they simply cannot let go of their past or their feelings
of guilt, remorse and negative self-talk. You can forgive yourself,
by making an honest confession, acknowledging your faults and resolving
to improve upon them. You can also use affirmations to clear your
negativity and feelings of remorse or guilt.

By mentally recollecting and releasing all bad memories and letting
go of your past resentments and grudges, you can also do self-cleansing
so that you can become free from all the negativity that might have
accumulated in you over the years. As a part of that, you may also
release those from your past, whom you feel might have wronged you
or hurt you or limited you in some way, by affirming to yourself
that you are releasing them and letting them go, and they can more
hurt you or hold you in their control.

2. Forgiving others

When it comes to forgiving others, you must have a large heart,
and you must be willing to condone others’ faults for your own good
and for the good of others. However, it does not mean you will turn
a blind eye to the problems caused by others by their willful and
habitual actions. You cannot condone repeat offenders if their actions
are causing you, or others, serious harm. You can just stay away
from them, having forgiven them mentally and can let them go, so
that you minimize the chances of being hurt by them again. It is
not necessary that you always have to tell others that you have
forgiven them. You may do it if it is going to help the relationship.
Otherwise, you may keep it to yourself and let go of the relationship.

When others approach you for forgiveness, pay them attention,
with respect, humility, empathy and understanding. If you are attentive,
you will know whether they are genuinely sorry or insincere. If
it is genuine, you may acknowledge what they say and express gratitude.
On such occasions, it is better to avoid the temptation to remind
them what happened or how hurt you were, unless you are responsible
for them and have a duty or obligation to improve their conduct
or behavior. Even then, you may show a lot of restraint to set a
good example. If you feel that the gesture is disingenuous, use
your best judgment to deal with the situation.

We do not have to push away every relationship that hurts us
or causes us some disturbance or inconvenience. Sometimes, we can
learn a lot about ourselves from the people who hurt us. By touching
our sensitive spots, they point to the areas where we are lacking
or weak and where we need improvement and cleansing. By that, they
also teach us the value of virtues such as tolerance, understanding,
empathy and forgiveness.

For example, if you lack courage it will be easier for others
to intimidate you. If you lack patience, it will be easier for them
to test your patience and make you lose control. If you are prone
to anger, it will be easier for them to provoke you and let you
suffer from your own anger issues. Therefore, when you are upset
about something or by someone, do some introspection. Find out what
made you feel upset, angry, afraid or hurt. When you identify the
causes, you will be in a good position not only to work on them
but also to forgive yourself and others with a feeling of gratitude.

3. Seeking forgiveness from others

When you seek forgiveness from others, you may formally express
remorse or regret for your actions, without insisting that you have
to be forgiven. If they do not respond, you may keep trying until
they have changed their thinking, feeling or opinion or you can
just move on, forgiving yourself and resolving not to make the same
mistake again. Sometimes, silence and time will heal relationships
and bring a positive change in people’s thinking and behavior. Therefore,
having genuinely tried, you can wait until things improve, or just
move on.

Does everyone deserve forgiveness?

From a spiritual perspective, almost all traditions agree that
forgiveness has to be unconditional and universal. Everyone and
everything are worthy of forgiveness, however serious the offense
may be. One should not hold any grudges in the mind, since it is
a burden that one can potentially carry to the next life with serious
consequences to oneself and others. By forgiving people who may
have wronged you, you discharge your karmic burden and earn good
merit, while by not forgiving them, you put spiritual wellbeing
in great peril. Therefore, it makes sense to forgive yourself and
others and make peace with your past.

However, behavioral scientists disagree. According to them some
crimes such as sexual abuse or physical battery are better not forgiven
or forgotten, so that the offenders do not receive conflicting signals
from their victims and feel encouraged to engage in similar behavior.
Further, by withholding forgiveness, the victims may feel empowered
to stand for themselves and send a clear message to their offenders.

About: Hinduwebsite.com provides original
and scholarly information about Hinduism and related religions, society and
culture. We promote tolerance and the highest ideals reflected in these cultures.
We have been serving the world community since 1999.
More...