I want to be a man of letters.Being a man of letters is a distinction of prestige and learning. It conveys the image of the book-filled study, picture of one's self with historic and notable figures, and one's own letterhead.To be a man of letters, one must have achieved a certain level of fame and notoriety with the written word. Plus, one must refer to himself in the third person.I figure that with my very ... [full story]

Reality is whatever you focus on.
My grandpa said that the day he was sober.
I didn’t know what he meant until last week, when I suffered my first panic attack. If I could describe it in three words, they would be GET ME OUT! One minute I was doing crunches in the gym, and the next moment all my demons were on top of me.
If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s a ... [full story]

First, a publishing house dishes up the best seller, “French Women Don’t Get Fat.” Then comes a second course titled, “Japanese Women Don’t Get Old or Fat.” (Touche! Take that you thin but aging French women.)
Now comes another entree, “Mediterranean Women Stay Slim, Too.”
All right, already. They’ve thrown down the gauntlet, and it’s not a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. [full story]

Dear Doctor Taylor:I'm writing this letter to give you a better explanation of today's chain of events at my family's Fourth of July celebration which resulted in my appearance at your fine hospital. The anesthetic hasn't quite worn off, but the neck brace and bandages around my head are uncomfortable enough to keep me awake to write this.When I came in, I recall you asking what happened, and that I kept mumbling "Ray, Ray." But ... [full story]

My grandpa is 83 years old. I’m sorry - 83 years, 5 months (he’s back to counting in halves). That is four years past the life expectancy of American males. I know so because he tells me every time I visit.
For grandpa death isn’t a concern; it’s a lifestyle. He schedules his week around dates with Dr. Mioto, whose BMW he has personally financed. It starts every morning at six, when grandpa hits the ... [full story]

The airlines warned us in May that travel this summer would be more crowded, more expensive and more hostile.
They were right about the expensive part. A flight I often take not only went up nearly 50 percent in price, they cut out the bag of four miniature pretzels as well. No doubt the next step will be to eliminate the drinks. The stewardess will come on the intercom and tell those who are thirsty ... [full story]

Dear Ann,Can I call you Annie? I'd like to think we could be friends, or at least colleagues. Sure, you're a big time author with several books, and I'm just a weekly humor columnist, but we're siblings in the written word.As your friend, I think you need an intervention. You seem so angry all the time. But I know what's really going on. Your attention-seeking behaviors -- saying the September 11th widows enjoyed their husbands' ... [full story]

“Free kitten. Cute, cuddly, irresistible.”
That’s how the ad read. What I didn’t know is that “free kitten” is one of those moron things like “working vacation” or “Microsoft Works.”
During that first trip to Petco, I discovered that my free cat would require, among other things: box, litter, scooper, liner, cover, filters, and designated dust-vac; wet food, dry food, nibble treats, bowls, and specially formulated kitten milk; no-scratch spray for the couch and do-scratch ... [full story]

Another poor misguided soul is attempting to bridge the generation gap.I’ve long been a proponent of widening the gap, not shrinking it.
Can’t we all just get along, waving to one another from opposite shores? A generation gap isn’t so bad, not really. A gap enables us to have our own space, our own music, our own friends, our own clothes.
Now comes a clothing manufacturer marketing a line of children’s clothes that “bridges the generation gap ... [full story]

In my 3.9 decades on this Earth, I've come to the conclusion there is no such thing as true fairness. (I've also come to the conclusion that I'm getting old.)I first learned about fairness and cooperation from watching Sesame Street when I was four. Two Muppets were arguing over a piece of cake. Both wanted it, but neither was willing to give it up. Finally, one of them had an idea."Let's share!" he said. It ... [full story]

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think society has lost its sense of etiquette and politeness. We've forgotten simple manners and the niceties of a civilized society. No longer do we display the manners we were taught as children. We've become petulant and rude. We're quick to whine about the slightest offense. And we voice our displeasure at the top of our lungs like a spoiled child who didn't get the toy he wanted.A simple smile ... [full story]

In junior high I was named “best dressed” in drama class, which immediately concerned my father. Fortunately, the testosterone kicked in and by twelfth grade my taste had so declined that “matching” merely meant that all my clothes were wrinkled.
For whatever reason•cultural, spiritual, X-chromosome deficiency•men are clumsy dressers. Most days it looks like we get dressed in the dark. While intoxicated.
When a woman stands in the closet, she is planning, inventing, dreaming. When ... [full story]

Defrosting has never been a priority for me. Of course, that was before the FBI found $90,000 cold cash in a Louisiana congressman’s freezer. I suddenly find myself highly motivated.
I had emptied the chest freezer in the garage and was sorting the contents when the husband appeared on the scene and asked what was happening.
I reminded him of the good fortune of a certain congressman and told him to be careful not to disturb ... [full story]