"Aye, you love making landlubbers walk the plank, it's better than plundering or hacking off heads. Why, you're so brutal and vicious, even your pegleg is capped with a hook. It makes you look fearsome but gives you a lot of trouble when walking across shag carpets. "

"You enjoy ravishing cabin boys so much that the Pirate Society gave you a Merit Badge. Unfortunately it also means you've been banned from most of the local convents, soda shops, whorehouses, and pre-schools. Arrrr, no one ever said the Pirate Life was easy!"

No buccaneer who ever sailed the Seven Seas is meaner than you. Why, you once shot a man just for snoring. Wait, that was John Wesley Hardin. Never mind. But still, you're She-Hell On Wheels, except ships have no wheels so you're, like, She-Hell On Sails. Or something.

"Also known as "The Pirate Who Never Bathes", your body odor is so terrible that most of your victims surrender long before you even board there ship, especially if you're upwind of them. Even your parrot wears a clothspin on its beak. Arrrrr!"

Arrrr, you love grog and firing your cannon, hacking off limbs and burying your plunder where no man-jack will ever find it, even you. That's because you never write down where you put stuff- you're still trying to find your cutlass. It's behind the couch, matey.

Aye, you love making landlubbers walk the plank, it's better than plundering or hacking off heads. Why, you're so brutal and vicious, even your pegleg is capped with a hook. It makes you look fearsome but gives you a lot of trouble when walking across shag carpets.

"No buccaneer who ever sailed the Seven Seas is meaner than you. Why, you once shot a man just for snoring. Wait, that was John Wesley Hardin. Never mind. But still, you're She-Hell On Wheels, except ships have no wheels so you're, like, She-Hell On Sails. Or something."

Arrrr, you were born to sail the high seas and fly the Jolly Roger. Unfortunately you don't have a ship, crew, cannons, or even a parrot, so you sit in the bathtub and wash your b**bies over and over whilst screaming "Surrender or die, surrender or die!"

Anyone care to join my bathtub ship? It sails for the sewers first thing in the morn'!

No buccaneer who ever sailed the Seven Seas is meaner than you. Why, you once shot a man just for snoring. Wait, that was John Wesley Hardin. Never mind. But still, you're Hell On Wheels, except ships have no wheels so you're, like, Hell On Sails. Or something.

and here is my description...Arrrr, you were born to sail the high seas and fly the Jolly Roger. Unfortunately you don't have a ship, crew, cannons, or even a parrot, so you sit in the bathtub and wash your beard over and over whilst screaming "Surrender or die, surrender or die!"

Why, Blow Me Down, Matey! Nothing gets you riled up like an uppity deckhand and you'll whip 'em, flay 'em, and put 'em in irons if they so much as serve your crumpets a little too cold. Why you're having crumpets instead of grog is anybody's guess.

Shiver me timbers, you're known as "The Piratess Who Couldn't Pour Piss Out of A Boot With The Instructions Written On The Heel." In other words, you're completely incompetent and would have been better off as a gardener, or interior decorator.

Arrr, you're one of the few pirates who enjoys coffee. And after 35 cups you're ready to take on the English Navy, sail around the world, paint the ship, pleat the mizzenmast, iron the sails, scrub the rudder and sweep the floors. You really need to switch to decaf.

"Arrrr, you were born to sail the high seas and fly the Jolly Roger. Unfortunately you don't have a ship, crew, cannons, or even a parrot, so you sit in the bathtub and wash your boobies over and over whilst screaming "Surrender or die, surrender or die!"

Oy be Vicious Ned!formerly earnestshubA crusty, vile pirate who never met a cannon he didn't like. who enjoy screaming "Avast, Ye Mateys" even when there are no mateys around. I'd gouge out my own mother's eye if I thought she was cheating me on my share of the booty.

"Your fearsome beard and grizzly would scare any swabby straight, except maybe Richard Simmons. Arrrr, even your parrot is frightful and has been known the peck the eyes out of anyone that crosses ye. Or doesn't cross ye, or doesn't let ye go first at a 4-way stop."

"Avast Ye, Ye Scaliwag! After a hard day of firing cannons, running your victims into reefs, stealing their booty and then putting them to death, you like to relax with a bubble bath & a romance novel. But what else is a Pirate Lass to do after work, anyway?"

No buccaneer who ever sailed the Seven Seas is meaner than you. Why, you once shot a man just for snoring. Wait, that was John Wesley Hardin. Never mind. But still, you're She-Hell On Wheels, except ships have no wheels so you're, like, She-Hell On Sails. Or something.

These are so funny--first time I've ever been called "She-Hell On Wheels"!

Your fearsome stare and shrill voice would scare any swabby straight, except maybe Richard Simmons. Arrrr, even your parrot is frightful and has been known the peck the eyes out of anyone that crosses ye. Or doesn't cross ye, or doesn't let ye go first at a 4-way stop.

Siver me timbers, you're known as "The Piratess Who Couldn't Pour Piss Out Of A Boot With The Instructions Written On The Heel." In other words, you're completely incompetent and would have been better off as a gardener, or interior decorator.

I don't make a very good pirate but I love to garden and interior decorate lololo But I will try to be a pirate anyway, lolol

You're known as "The Piratess Who Might Just Be A Little Too In-Touch With Her Masculine Side". The cabin-girls are all scared of you and your crew thinks you wear way too much black and eye the ladies a wee bit too much. There's almost no doubt you should have been a priest.

Aye, you love making landlubbers walk the plank, it's better than plundering or hacking off heads. Why, you're so brutal and vicious, even your pegleg is capped with a hook. It makes you look fearsome but gives you a lot of trouble when walking across shag carpets.

Aaarrrggghhh! (Stubs toe) Aye is thee captain of this here ship and that's 'ship' with a 'P' and not a 'T.' Me and me cohorts, da' Goonies is selling yonder sea outside the bay of Seattle after this here bottom of the ninth arse kicking by Ichiro Suzuki who hit a 2-run homerun (home-rum?) off of Mo Riviera! Dangit all! Now those evil Red Sox are gaining on us! I sees dem over yonder stern at the horizon line! Parle! Parle I say!

Why, Blow Me Down, Matey! Nothing gets you riled up like an uppity deckhand and you'll whip 'em, flay 'em, and put 'em in irons if they so much as serve your crumpets a little too cold. Why you're having crumpets instead of grog is anybody's guess.

Avast ye scurvy dogs! I be Black Bill (even though me name's not really Bill and me fur be as gray as the October sky).

Arrr, you're one of the few pirates who enjoys coffee. And after 35 cups you're ready to take on the English Navy, sail around the world, paint the ship, pleat the mizzenmast, iron the sails, scrub the rudder and sweep the floors. You really need to switch to decaf

Y'aaar! From this day forward, I be known as Dastardly Dick! Ain't I the lucky one!

You're a crusty, vile pirate who never met a cannon he didn't like. You enjoy screaming "Avast, Ye Mateys" even when there are no mateys around. You'd gouge out your own mother's eye if you thought she was cheating you on your share of the booty.

Well shiver me timbers, if this don’t be the most ragtag huddle of scurvy dogs I ever did see. Happy to come aboard for me share of the grog and pretty wenches, may I not make ye acquaintances too soon, in the bosom of Davey Jones Locker.

Horse Hung Harry's the name, and there be no pieces of eight for guessing why.