Monthly Archives: March 2015

Children are like little sponges–they model everything a parent does and incorporate what they see into their own lives, so when it comes to being parented by someone who displays narcissistic tendencies it’s a pretty fair bet that some of these traits will be displayed by the children but today it’s seems that there is something else happening in the world of parenting.

A recent study looking into the growing number of narcissists addresses the question, is narcissistic behaviour something some people are born with or is it a learned behaviour? And let’s be clear here that this behaviour is found in both males and females.

The results of the study states that children seem to acquire narcissism, in part, by internalizing parents’ inflated views of them (e.g., “I am superior to others” and “I am entitled to privileges”).

It seems that much of the problem today is that many parents are perhaps unwittingly raising children who display these traits. We see evidence of it now in schools where in some cases the teachers are basically trying to do their jobs with their hands tied due to parental intervention, with poor behaviour in children being treated with medication and an acute lack of what I call personal responsibility.

Anyone who’s spent time with a toddler recently does not need to be told that narcissism is the status quo in children. Remember how Martin Luther King Jr. once said that the moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice? In kids, it bends toward narcissism.

After all, we are talking about a segment of the population that sees nothing wrong in waking their parents up at 4am to demand pancakes and episodes of Peppa Pig.

And that’s why parents exist. It’s partly to keep their kids clothed and fed and safe and loved, and partly to prevent them from becoming Caligula.

The way to raise a narcissist is pretty evident: Tell your child they are wonderful, the very best, the most special of the specials on the sports field and the classroom and in the country and possibly on the planet — and keep telling them that.

It’s up there with topics like politics, religion and sex when it comes to having discussions about it with a partner, a colleague or a friend or your ‘friendly’ bank manager.

Far too many women really struggle financially as an outcome of separation and divorce. And yes, I know a lot of guys do too, unfortunately it’s true for both parties. When you have spent years working towards some financial goals and things fall apart, by the time credit card debt, mortgage, leases on cars and all the other many expenses that are part of everyday life are taken out of what little might be left over after the divorce often what is left is little or next to nothing. Then it’s a matter of starting all over again to create some financial security and wealth, never an easy thing particularly for those who divorce later in life.

Have you found yourself in a financial rut and have no idea how to get your self out?

Here’s the thing!WE ALL HAVE THE ABILITY TO CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF OUR LIVES!
Including where we are headed financially.

And just like creating any change, the first place to start is by taking a good hard look at where we are. Much like going on a diet, you have to know where you are now and where you want to be and then get focused on the end goal. Make it a project you are working on, a well formed plan that includes knowing exactly what you want to achieve both short and long term.

Start doing the numbers. It can be really scary and most of us like to just bury our heads in the sand rather than deal with what makes us feel uncomfortable. Spend the time to go through all your credit cards, your bills and regular expenses so you know your outgoings. If you have kids there are always things that crop up that we haven’t budgeted for and it really does put a great deal of pressure on parents.

If you have been putting more value of the thrill of going on a shopping spree, having nice clothes and shoes or going a holiday or whatever it might be then I would suggest you spend some time really thinking about your values around money.

When my marriage ended and I became totally responsible for all the bills and other expenses I used a Collins 18 Money Column book. I divided it up into months of the year with my income for each month at the bottom, then all the regular bills in whatever column they were due. I knew at the end of every month whether I was going to be under or over. This system really helped me decide how I spent my money. There are plenty of other great tools available online these days to make it even easier.

If your outgoings are higher than your income it’s time to look at how you can pull back in some area, purchase different brands that are cheaper or take on some extra work. If we are consistently spending more than we earn, there is only ever going to an unhappy ending.

If you are finding it still too difficult to do on your own and can’t afford to speak to a professional advisor, get an accountability partner. Someone you trust to help keep you on track. Make it as much fun as you can and give yourself some little rewards for your little wins along the way.

Many of us turn a blind eye or simply justify our spending habits. Time to take your head out of the sand, look around you and decide what you really want in your life and then do whatever you have to do to make it happen.

A money map so you can see exactly where you are going and what you need to do

Persistance

Consistency

A burning desire to create a happier, more financially secure future

And an accountability buddy to make the journey more fun

To share your comments or personal story – send me an email: jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

She was still living with her ex-husband after being divorced for 4 years and she also acknowledged that she had been struggling to go through with taking any action towards finalising the property settlement for the past 3 years and hadn’t discussed this with her ex husband, oh and the inlaws still don’t even know they are divorced. She is feeling stuck and trapped!

The truth is that we already have the answers to our own problems but sometimes they get so clouded by our fears of an uncertain future we can stay trapped in a life we don’t want and afraid to do what we really want to do. Whether it’s a major change we want to make in our lives or something like giving up smoking or losing weigh every fear, worry or anxious thought we have about it will activate a little part of our brain that is on the alert for danger and it’s job is to keep us safe and exactly where we are now.

The facts are that change is not always easy and leaving what is familiar for an uncertain future can be very challenging. If it’s security and certainty that is keeping you stuck than it’s only a matter of time before you realise that security and certainty are nothing more than illusions. Life does not come with a certificate that guarantees that you will always be secure and that you will always know what is going to happen next.

Feeling trapped and living a lie doesn’t just apply to a relationship although I have heard plenty of stories from women who knew for a long time that their husbands where cheating and chose to well, live a lie and bury their heads in the sand and hope it would all just go away.

We look at people in the media we admire and think they have it all together. Great job, the lifestyle, the relationship, the money and when they come crashing down and we see another side to their lives we are left wondering how that could possibly happen. For me it highlights not just the perceptions we have of other people but also the face we show to the world.

We all engage in self-deception, rationalisation and lies in varying degrees. We use self-deception to keep us from facing the reality of our finances, our health our sexuality and our relationships. We add colour to our experiences to make them sound more exciting and interesting, we exaggerate our opportunities or our abilities to boost our sense of self, we justify our spending habits and when we are feeling like a failure and a fraud we put on our biggest smiles and pretend that all is right in our world.

Take some time to identify in what areas of your life you are living a lie?

Decide what you are going to do about, get help if you need it and then enjoy the sense of freedom that comes with taking your head out of the sand and the new possibilities that may open up for you.