NEW JAPAN, 1994

Not gonna lie, this was NOT the induction I was planning for this week.

I had a few other ideas. I was pondering going back one more time to the Piledriver VHS and doing another in-depth, scene by scene breakdown of maybe Girls in Cars or Jive Soul Bro. I’d kicked around going completely off the rails, and reviewing an Asian wrestling movie. I thought about putting the gas mask on and going through some old TNA shows, which has been woefully overlooked on this site dedicated to all the worst of pro wrestling.

So many horrible choices.

But let’s be serious – when someone unearths a Nailz vs. El Gigante match that hasn’t seen the light of day in 20 years, was there really any choice? Pretty sure both guys were inducted when I first launched the site, so you could almost argue this is the match we’ve all been waiting for the last 17 years. More than that actually, as RAINBOW VISION WRESTLECRAP (check that out on your own by clicking here!) had been bringing them online notoriety since April 1, 2000:

Yep, there’s Nailz, surrounded by neon letters and glow aplenty. Like seriously, I bet there are monitor test patterns that aren’t that vibrant.

Backstory, he was a convict who had been put in the slammer for reasons never fully explained, though Bobby Heenan claimed it was an unpaid parking ticket. It just so happened he was incarcerated in Cobb County, Georgia, where he apparently didn’t read the signs, didn’t respect the law and order. So he wound up serving hard times. And got beaten in the prison by the Big Bossman. Upon his release, he hunted his tormentor down in a feud that we’d all be best to forget.

Still, I like that he was so unhinged that he literally wore his prison suit everywhere he went. I mean, sure, Duke “the Dumpster” Droese was a garbage man, but you could almost suspend your disbelief and convince yourself that he had been collecting garbage right up to when it was time to head to the arena and didn’t have time to change before he got into the ring.

But if you go by that same logic with this guy, he’d have just gotten out of prison and then dropped off at the arena. Further, this would also mean the next night, he’d just arrested, and somehow gotten out of the joint AGAIN. What kind of crime was he committing that he was getting thrown back in prison night after night, only to be released scant hours later?

The story here is Jorge Gonzalez was a former basketball player who wasn’t quite good enough for the NBA. WCW, in their ever infinite wisdom, decided to take a flyer on him and throw him into the ring and see what he may be able to do. The fact that he was one of our very first double dips should tell you all you need to know.

Still, maybe you are a newcomer and need a bit more convincing just how atrocious both these folks were. Today’s your lucky day!

Nailz vs. El Gigante took place during the 1994 New Japan G1 Tournament.

I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor.

Seriously, this actually happened. Someone thought pitting these two wrestlers who are awful beyond belief in a tournament that is usually awesome beyond belief was a good idea.

This HAD to have been a rib.

And I for one appreciate it!

I mean, just walking to the ring was a challenge enough for poor El. I’ve seen telephone poles that have shown better mobility. So seeing that, you want to throw him in the ring with Nailz?

This Nailz, of the WWF Nailz?

Did no one see that Bossman feud? Or worse yet, his matches with the Undertaker?

Ok, I’ve stalled long enough. Ring the bell!

And the action is underway with the two battling in classic pugilistic style.

Oh who am I kidding, it’s Gigante hitting Nailz right square on top of the head. I can only assume that the national sport of Argentina is Whack-A-Mole.

This match is like two moves old and it’s already surpassing just how hideous I thought it would be. Well played, gentlemen!

A choke hold follows.

At least I think it’s a choke hold.

I’d normally not question what it is, but I’ve never seen the particular maneuver applied while banging ones head as if you’re at a Mötley Crüe concert.

Kickstart my Heart, Big Man!

Then we get this. You may be asking why I switched to a JPG instead of the animated GIFs I’d been using. The answer is this still shot would have just as many frames of movement. No joke, the big guy wraps his ham hocks around Nailz’ neck/shoulders, while the convict gently brushes Gigante’s furry upper torso.

I pet my dog in the same manner.

Eventually Nailz gets the upper hand, and attempts to…

…throw Gigante out of the ring? I think?

But the big guy just decides to stop in his tracks instead, and we get just want you wanted…

…MORE CHOKING!

OR PETTING!

OR HEAD BANGING!

I don’t know about you, but I am getting kinda tired of that. You know what I want?

If that doesn’t get you to donate $14.95 to the site, I don’t know what would.

Nailz attempts to whip the big guy out of the corner, but Gigante counters with his SUPER FROWNY FACE.

All this hard work appears to have both guys completely blown up, as a whip into the corner is followed up by a very slow staggering across the ring.

I know we all make fun of Kevin Nash as Oz, but as I look at that movement, I can’t help but think that dressing Gonzalez up as Frankenstein would have been a license to print money.

Still, he is able to catch his second wind and hit the worst clothesline you ever did see.

Every second this match gets worse, and every second I love it even more.

Just when I think it can’t get any better, Gigante traps Nailz in the most gooftastic claw hold ever. The convict sells this move by doing what has to be his imitation of a three year old learning how to swim.

Sadly, the claw leads to the end of the match. Aww man, I could have watched this for at least another 45 seconds or so.

Sadder still, we never got a rematch of this amazing encounter. You know how I feel about that?

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!

Yes, unfortunately they do not. And since I never went to jail when living there, I don’t know if prisoner abuse was as bad as Nailz made it out to be. Definitely no stories in the news about it. Marietta, Ga is also in that area, where Cody Rhodes is listed from, along with a lot of the Armstrongs too. I love that it’s an area some famous wrestlers come from, cause even though I don’t live there anymore, whenever I make a wrestler for myself in WWE games, I can use Marietta, Ga or Cobb County as the hometown.

Many years ago at summer camp, one of my buddies actually portrayed El Gigante (still in his WCW days) as the next breakthrough star but all he had to back his claim up was Gonzalez’s height and his claw hold finisher.

However, I personally believe that Eric Young was brilliant when he had TNA’s Television title… and acted as if he thought he was the champion of all television as opposed to just the champ of a wrestling promotion’s tv show. And as I recall he visited a couple of filming sets acting as a Champion of All Television would, clearly oblivious to the reality (well, sort of reality) that his status was limited to TNA. Classic stuff delivered well by Mr Young.

I’d say something about how the G1 has come on over the 23 years since (and it lost its way for a long time, F4W are uploading 2000’s Observers at the moment and Meltzer is really dismissive about the talent and draw of that year’s tournament), but I’ve just instead realized I’d actually really like to see El Gigante vs Toru Yano.

have never really watched much wrestling outside of wwe or gfw/tna/impact. raw sucks, gfw will probably be gone outta business by christmas need to go find other shows to watch like aaa or new japan they look pretty interesting the bit i have seen on youtube

I love New Japan. I’ve been a fan of NJPW since the early 90’s when they started doing crossover shows with WCW. It was Big Van Vader and The Great Muta who really peaked my interest in Japanese Wrestling. I’ve watched on and off for years, but with the two year run AJ had with them it really became more popular in the US, so your able to view it more. The new international push has brought them to the forefront of Pro Wrestling.

Personally I’m done with the “Domestic” product. I’ve not enjoyed WWE in the same manner in over a decade (Though the Shield/Wyatt Family feud did it’s best to change that) and the 6 hour Wrestlemania was torture. The 6 hour Westlekingdom on the other hand was one of the greatest wrestling shows i’ve ever seen. The G1 this year was fantastic and every match was not only watchable, it was pleasant. I use to watch LU before their mid season 3 break…now…i can’t get back into it.

But if your looking at more NJPW Wrestlecrap I’m currently watching the 1992 G1 crossover tournament with WCW stars and wow…first round was up to every 1992 standard this site has ever established.

I remember a video and interview with Ted Turner, of Billionaire Ted days of WCW. He had signed Big Jorge to play for the Atlanta Hawks which he owned as well. When that didn’t pan out, of course it wouldn’t, Ted said in the interview something like this. “Well, I paid this big guy $3 million to play basketball for me, I’m trying to get some of that investment back by making him wrestle for me.”

Backstory, he was a convict who had been put in the slammer for reasons never fully explained, though Bobby Heenan claimed it was an unpaid parking ticket.

Bobby Heenan once said on commentary (during Survivor Series ’92) that Nailz did go to jail for an unpaid parking ticket. But leave it to the Brain to explain that “Nailz was double parked in a handicap zone where he stopped by a Flower Shop to pick up some last minute flowers for his sick mother. The traffic cop came by and ticketed his car but a gust of wind blew the ticket off his windshield. So Nailz knew absolutely nothing of the unpaid parking ticket that he got arrested for. To go through all that trouble only to have that happen to him. What a great guy.”

Also, the Nailz concept was actually a decent one. Somebody from his past showing up, showing that Boss Man had some hidden, past indiscretions that he needed to come to terms with? That could have worked really well.

Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be and we got what we got. Still, as with Mordecai, there was the potential for greatness. Or at least interesting viewing.