Behavior Is Not As Important As We Think

My 20 month old son is in a tough nap phase. He can climb out of his crib easily, and he’s ready to transition to a bed. Our family will be moving soon, so I am choosing to keep him in his crib for the next few weeks in order to minimize the number of changes in our lives.

I remember how overwhelmed I felt when my oldest daughter (now five) went through the same phase. Without the perspective from having parented a child before, I had no idea that one day, she would fall asleep alone in her bedroom – willingly – and wouldn’t wake up again until the morning. I assumed as much, but lacked confidence for the tough in-between time. I read books about helping children sleep. I scoured the internet for articles by brilliant writers about how to help children sleep in a toddler bed. I consulted my friends with older children. Everyone smiled, remembering when their own child was in that phase.

Then one day, it just wasn’t an issue anymore. She still balks at bedtime here and there, but for the most part, the nightly struggle to help her stay in bed is gone. Some of the advice I happened upon in my feverish search was helpful. But most of all, she needed my consistent response over time to help her navigate her own changing experience.

I have a whole list of behaviors that just aren’t an issue anymore:

My son no longer eats dirt while exploring outside (see above picture – dirt on the face, not *in* the mouth!).

My daughter puts her shoes on with little prodding.

My oldest children can shampoo their own hair (and brush it in the morning).

My son is no longer a source of heart-attack-inducing panic around stairs.

My kids don’t drop food (on purpose) from the table anymore.

My kids don’t scream in the car.

My daughter doesn’t bite when she’s angry.

And this is why behavior is not as important as we make it out to be: behavior will change, guaranteed. What will remain constant is our response to challenging behavior. And if we don’t develop a response that is flexible to accommodate a growing and changing child, we will have to continue to transform our repertoire of responses.

The key is this: if we spend our time as carers, less focused on correcting individual behaviors, and more focused on responding consistently to those strong behaviors, our children will be free to learn.

Behaviors will transform over time. A child who regularly tantrums while getting into a car seat won’t respond this way forever – no matter how much it feels like the car-seat-tantruming will never end. Most importantly, when an adult listens to the car-seat-tantrum with respect and empathy (while still holding the expectation of getting into the car seat), then the child will grow skills of self-regulation and emotional integrity that will inform later struggles with peers in school, a heavy academic load in college, or the emotion of moving across country.

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6 Comments

Noemia
on May 8, 2013 at 10:46 pm

My dear Emily, your words could not have come at a more appropriate time! Emilia is fighting diaper changes…all she wants to do is crawl and explore. Diaper changing is so exhausting! I have also started reading a book on sleep training… again… and yet, things are moving soooo slow! Thank you for your words and for redirecting my thoughts about my little girl! No, she will not fight the diaper changing forever, as she will not be in diapers for the rest of her life. And, I know that once I understand her verbal communication, things will change and become a little better! I know that one day, we will all fall asleep and wake up in the morning, without interruptions! Thank you for putting things into perspective! You are amazing!

oh well said! Thank you for this! Someday my 2 1/2 year old will transition to her toddler bed… we tried and it was utter failure. Now we have a crib AND a toddler bed crammed in her little room. But she’s sleeping through the night again and putting her self to sleep. 🙂

Hmmmmmmmm…. I do see what you’re saying—- The particular behavior that is driving us crazy today is not the true challenge. Because it is transitory. Ok, agreed.
But the thing is, when you say, “behaviors just change”…. I think you are actually shortchanging the importance of being very, VERY attuned to “behavior” and being at the same time ego-free about our ability to “change” it. We cannot change the behavior of any other person, of any age.:) But being very attuned to the behaviors of others can allow us to become more conscious of our own inputs, needs, involuntary responses, and so on…. and thereby help hold space in a stressful situation.