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The Freedom in Giving Up the Need to Be Understood

There is a freeing feeling in realizing that you don’t really have to explain your depression. Sometimes people just don’t understand—and that’s OK.

By Margaret Lanning

Wendy was a petite little thing with big blue eyes on a heart-shaped face. There was a fragility about her that made me want to shield her from the cruelness of the world. We were close in college. Besties. I would have done almost anything to earn some peace for her.

We struggled together. My struggle was significance. Hers was an immense need to be understood.

Secretly, I couldn’t fathom why she had such a desire for other people to comprehend the reasons behind her every thought, feeling, and action. It held her tightly and anxiously whenever there was conflict. I did not envy her.

Wendy and I drifted apart. The last I knew, she had cut herself off from many of her loved ones. Who knows? Maybe she found the isolated life squelched the need for understanding that inevitably arose whenever she was around people.

Over time, my thoughts began drifting back to Wendy. As my children and my responsibilities grew, what had begun as mild depression started to squeeze the joy out of me. I found myself doing things or not doing things that couldn’t easily be explained. I no longer wanted to socialize with friends. I dropped out of all activities except work and church. I retreated to bed a lot. I experienced no enjoyment in things I used to love.

The result? I found myself in a place eerily similar to that of my college bestie. I began to work harder and harder to explain myself. I’m so sorry I forgot to pick up my child, I wasn’t feeling well and fell asleep … I think I’m going to stay home tonight. I haven’t felt good for a really long time … No, I can’t volunteer, I can barely get out of bed …

The problem was, even I didn’t know what was going on.

“It’s hard for me to explain my inner churnings, but that’s okay.”

In my most honest moments, I wanted to tell everyone, so they would understand, sympathize, pray for me, leave me alone, not leave me alone … please don’t leave me alone. But even my own husband, try as he might, couldn’t understand.

Soon, casual acquaintances fell away. Some close friends left. Unexpected relationships formed with people to whom I didn’t have to explain myself. And I was growing quieter in the best way possible.

My relationship with my Creator had become strained. I had believed He charted my path. But how could He have led me here to this horrible emotional and physical nightmare? I couldn’t pray. I could only imagine the back of His human form walking forward. But soon, I began to soak in the written page that promised He understood and would never leave me. I went from reading to believing.

When I really needed to talk, I learned to seek out the ones who had walked a similar path before me. There were only one or two of those, but they were all I needed. I didn’t need to broadcast my pain to the masses, but to hunker down over a vanilla chai with the few souls who weren’t afraid of me or my struggles. I even modified what I said to my husband. I never lied, I just summarized. I no longer needed him or anyone else to fix me.

That’s what it was, wasn’t it? I wanted to be understood so that I could be fixed. I had looked around for so long for someone who had answers for me. As painful as it was, the realization that no human had all the answers was freeing. I didn’t have to rely on others anymore. I began truly trusting in a greater benevolent power who charted my path.

It’s hard for me to explain my inner churnings, but that’s OK. To this day, I have off days and on days. I have days when I have nothing to say, and days when I want attention, and days when I want to encourage someone else through tough times. I don’t need many people to understand. I just need a hug, a prayer, a nod. I am known and loved and understood in the best way possible–by a significant few among the masses.

3 COMMENTS

BipolarVulcan

Wow. I understand the want to be understood. And I still ache to be understood but I love how the author points out that she found people who would understand so she could feel that understanding. That is exactly where I am; I want to be understood so people would hug me and tell me that there is a light in my darkness. Because I don’t have strength to do it myself. I loved this article. It understood me.

PJ

This article certainly touched me on a level beyond any other I’ve read before. The author’s highs and lows, her intense complulsion to simply withdraw as well was her need for outside approval, acceptance, validation….these describe me and certainly could have written about me. And yea, it’s also true that as the light begins shining again, as the heavy weight begins to be removed, I find myself more receptive to simply that still and quiet voice deep within my own heart…the questioning, self-dobt and questioning slows down.

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HEALTHY HABITS

Most of us don’t default to healthy habits. It takes planning and effort, and sometimes a surge of self-discipline, to eat right, exercise, get the sleep we need, and stay on top of work and life tasks. Establishing new habits, let alone purging bad ones, can require major effort, especially if we are also struggling with depression or anxiety. What are some good habits that you've formed and how did you build them?