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Question:

Hi,

I just came across this site. It seems very helpful, but I need some answers myself. I am really struggling. I have been through a recent break up because the guy was always breaking up with me then coming back wanting everything to be fine. In trying times in our relationship, he would just break up with me and get angry at me. It came to a point where I ended it, but I feel regret as I miss him and I am thinking of calling him. He doesn't treat me right at times, but I feel my love is so strong for him. It seems not right that I would want someone who is not treating me right. But I am emotionally drained, I'm hurting. I do want him back, even though I know what he is doing is wrong. I need advice how to get through this with godly wisdom and strength. Awaiting your response.

Answer:

You've gotten yourself into an abusive situation. Because his bad behavior isn't constant and most of the time he is really nice to you, you are tempted to overlook the times he is bad. You are probably telling yourself that if you just hang in with him just a bit longer then you'll be able to turn him into the really nice person you've always seen in him.

It is a gambler's fallacy. A gambler will keep sinking money into a losing bets because every once in a while the gambler wins. All the losses are ignored because there was a win -- even if the win doesn't come close to making up for all the loses. Even when the loses are severe, the gambler is convinced that his luck has to change because bad luck can't stay around forever.

The flaw in a gambler's reasoning is that he is thinking each loss is somehow connected -- they aren't. Gamblers lose because the games are designed with the odds strongly against the gambler.

In the same way an abuse victim is convinced that the abuser has to change instead of seeing the person as who he is. Yes, people do change -- but not because they are made to change. They have to decide to change.

You have to look at this man for who he is, not who you imagine he might become. Since he isn't a good man know, then you don't need him in your life. If he ever does change, which isn't likely, then you can reconsider the situation if you happen to be still looking for a husband at that time. He would have to show evidence that he really has changed before you accept him as a potential candidate for a husband.

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