Many times I have been asked what I have learned from this whole blogging experience. A LOT. I am sure I could fill a hundred pages with all I have learned and with the way I like to ramble. My style must be why say it in 2 words if you can ramble on for an additional 20 words.
Where to even start. I have received in the area of 9,000 comments. Many of which raised points or brought out wisdom far beyond anything I could have managed on my own. I read these, I think on what has been said and try to absorb and put into practice the wisdom shared.
I learned from what was shared but I also learned. A life time of bad habits don’t just disappear just because you read something no matter how much sense what you read makes. Put me in certain situations, it seems especially if it involves my kids or grand kids. All the knowledge/wisdom in the world can’t keep the poppa bear in me from rising to the surface.
It takes work, it takes practice. No one ever said life would always be easy, just that it can be so very good. It truly is one of those things that the more you put in the more you get back. A big life lesson I am still struggling with, especially the poppa bear part.
Now this I already knew but this blogging experience has re-enforced it. In a situation such as mine many people don’t know what to say. I imagine the thought is, I don’t have anything “meaningful” to say. It is easier to just say nothing. I suppose my definition of what is meaningful in a situation like this comes into play. Every comment is meaningful. Something as simple as “hello, my thoughts are with you” has meaning to me. It means I was in the thoughts and heart of someone, very likely a stranger. Someone I have never met and never will meet. If nothing else it re-enforces in my own mind the love and kindness contained within the human heart.
Let’s jump this beyond a stranger on the internet, which is what I am to the vast majority of readers. Let’s take it to within our individual lives.
Make up a scenario. You in your own life have say an uncle but could be anyone. You know their time is short. Now I know individually we can likely come up with a million reasons/excuses why we don’t call or visit and they are perfectly legitimate to us in the moment. I can speak from experience. Once that person has passed, in time the legitimacy of those seemingly real reasons disappear and regret sets in.
Think of it from the perspective of the patient. Aware they know of your condition yet you don’t hear from them. What are you to think.
Recently, I spoke to a grieving new widow. A comment she made has stuck in my mind. “If they call it shows how much they care, if they don’t call that also shows how much they care”

To be clear I think it is an excellent idea to plan and make arrangements for your own funeral.
I want to make things as easy as possible for my family when the time comes. Come the time there will be one less thing for them to worry and stress about. A primary concern so often seems to be what would he/she have wanted. Well if you have actually made the arrangements it is pretty clear what it is you want.
The decision making has been done, one less worry or pressure to deal with and isn’t that what we want? Make it as easy as possible.
Pre-arranging your funeral is not a morbid thing to do. By doing so doesn’t mean you expect to die tomorrow. Rather it is a loving practical gesture, a loving gesture to and for your family.
I do suggest everyone should do it. Even if you have left verbal or written instructions, so much of that can be left to interpretation. Disputes, arguments can ensue, often leaving bitter feelings that can destroy relationships/families. I know many will say that wouldn’t happen in our family. Over the years as a banker I helped many people deal with estate issues. While doing this often someone poured out their heart about family issues that had arise having nothing to do with finances. I have seen it all to often to want to even take that chance.
OK, now planning an excellent idea but I would suggest it be done prior to being in your final days. Do it while the though of dying is still but an abstract thought of something far in the future. When you are in that chapel and you are fully aware you may well be returning but in a matter of days. Much more difficult

I have come to realize it is the people in our lives that are the most important, most valuable and all to often the most under appreciated part of our lives. This really is so sad when I think of it. It is the people in our lives. Those that mean the very most to us.
A tough day at work and what do we so often do? Take it out on those that mean the most to us at home.
I think of it. Your small child accidentally sills a glass of milk, how often do we get upset? The next day you have company over. Their child spills a glass of milk. Do we react in the same way?
I look around at my life and see I am blessed to have the people in my life that I do. I have come to realize that those you just know will be there for you in a crisis can seem to fade from sight. Loving support is always there often from those from whom you least expect it. Value all people in your life. Accept that as people come into our lives for a reason. They come giving us opportunities to learn life lessons. Appreciate them while they are there but allow them to fade. Focus time and energy on those that remain. Focus on the positive, let go of the negative it/they will only bring you down. Yes, I said they, being negative people they will drain the energy the life right out of you

Time seems to be flying past and how long it has been since I have really been on the blog. Life just keeps getting in the way.

For me sleeping is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my days. It seems no matter how much I sleep/nap I still feel constantly tired. It is almost more like a deep worn out feeling. Virtually zero energy and more and more am finding I have to push myself to do even little things.

Chest pain/discomfort is almost constant. Doctors always use a 1-10 scale in describing the level of pain. Majority of time mine is only about a 1. Really just enough to be noticeable, 4 or 5 times a day it increases to about a 4 or 5 level and I use the nitro spray. A nuisance but really not much more than that. I try to keep my mind in focus. If I dwell on the fact this pain is my heart, it can be unsettling.
My balance seems to be getting worse. At least several times a day, I seem to loose my balance. I do what I call a little stumble step and am able to catch myself, usually by grabbing on to something close by and getting stabilized. After a countless number of these little issues, I lost my balance and hit the floor. Luckily, I used my head against a dresser to partially break my fall. I am happy to say both the floor and dresser are just fine. Other than a headache and a honking bruise on my thigh, I also survived quite nicely.
While it was not planned, using my head to break my fall was likely a good thing. It has been described as being like a bowling ball. Hard on the outside, empty on the inside so can’t do it much harm.
Just part of the regular routine neurologist is sending me for an MRI to check out that pesky brain tumour. In a couple of weeks I see the heart failure clinic again just regular follow up.
Vi is still waiting for her surgery. Walking is becoming more and more of an issue. You can’t keep a good woman down. It seems most major stores have the motorized wheel chairs. She can’t walk the store isles so she now rides them in comfort. I am proud of her also for her determination in getting her flower beds all planted and looking good

I post the blog on the wordpress site. I am running into a problem. Over the past month or so I have started numerous posts. As I love to ramble, posts can sometimes be a little longer than needed but hey that is me. I often write take a break and come back a little while later.

this is causing a problem as when I return, my draft or what I had written is gone. System has gone through an update. It used to auto save ever minute or so. It doesn’t do that anymore. Nor can I see a save button. Can anyone help? Numerous partially completed posts have disappeared

Fear of Death: How to Make it A Healthy Type of Fearby Departing Decisions | Jun 26, 2012 | Support and GuidanceThe fear of death is one of the most complicated phobias to affect at least 75% of the world’s population. A lot of people are afraid of dying. While some fear being dead, there are those who are extremely scared of the actual act of dying.

Although this fear can be explained and even justified, it if affects your daily life, it’s no longer healthy and realistic. What one needs to understand is that death will come to all of us eventually and there’s no way that we can prevent it.What you can do though is to have a healthy type of fear and that is to be scared of dying unprepared. You don’t want to leave the world with unfinished business and not able to do everything that you’ve dreamed about. Although it’s going to come to you no matter what you do, you can prepare for a successful, peaceful death. How? By living your life to the fullest and by striving to become an inspiration to others.Be prepared all the timeOne thing that makes death even scarier is that nobody knows when it will come. While other people live for hundreds of years, others die even before they reach their teenage years. So, what can you do? Stop obsessing about death and do something to protect yourself from untimely demise. Simple things like putting your seatbelt when you’re driving or living a healthy life can give you better chances of living longer.Also, do not fear death by making sure that you’re ready to go anytime. Stop making enemies, tell the people you love how you feel about them each and everyday, do the things that make you happy, and be an inspiration to people around you.The world is not our homeIn order to easily accept death, one must understand that this world that we’re living in right now is not exactly our home. Each of us is just a traveler passing through. In a matter of days, months, or years, we all shall move on to our next life and we’ll take with us nothing but imprints of our good deeds or negative actions we have created while on Earth.Welcome and not fear deathRealizing that death will eventually come to all of us actually offer benefits. As we have limited time here on Earth, we are encouraged to maximize that time and live in such a way that people around us will not forget we have existed. Live life helping others, and offer love, compassion, and wisdom with people you encounter. If you do this, you’ll find yourself in your dying bed months or years from now without single regret or fear.For more information: Dealing with FearRelated Articles

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History of Traditional Burial Ceremonies & Why They MatterShare this:Facebook3Twitter1PinterestLinkedInSubmit a Comment

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Notify me of follow-up comments by email. Notify me of new posts by email.Helpful LinksRequest Death CertificatesHave The ConversationPortland Events CalendarSubmit An EventUseful ArticlesA Well Lived Life Death Cafe’s Digital Afterlife Digital World Estate Planning Friends of Departing Decisions From the Founder Funeral & Memorial Services Glossary Grief Support In The News Medical Decisions Most Popular Newsletter Planning Checklists Serve More Families Support and Guidance The Final Farewell

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.