Reviews Of Young Adult Novels, Mainly Those Prominently Featuring Vampires, And Containing At Least One Love Triangle

Summary:

In Which A Vampire, Accompanied By Her Mutant Moirail And On The Run From A Sinister Confectionery Mogul, Blogs Unkind Things About YA Vampire Novels; The Author Of One Such Work Responds In A Hostile Fashion While Intoxicated; Structures, Conveyances, And Fragile Emotional Equilibria Are Thoroughly Wrecked; Works Of Popular Fiction Are Criticized In Ways Inadvertently Revealing Of The Critics' Anxieties; And Pirates Present A Problem.

Chapter Text

The fourth entry in Tess Theramin's Heart of Ten series opens with the revelation that the events of the third entry, New York Times-bestseller A Reminiscence of Dr. Raheli Doomlocke, were a dream. It is my hope that in reporting this I do not injure the sensibilities of those personally offended by "spoilers," but I think that it needs to be gotten out of the way. Someone dreamed that last book. That is a thing that happened. Or, didn't happen, I guess.

The central question which The Dream Quest of a Known Quantity would like to ask is whose dream it was, and why some of the events of its predecessor, but not all, appear to be having an emotional effect on some, but not all, of the protagonists. The question that it actually asks is, "Why did Tess Theramin think that this was a good idea?"

(Click to read the rest of the review...)

Edit: This post's Comments are now moderated Please Be patient as I Approve Them.

Edit 2: Please Re Read My Commenting Policy If You Do Not Understand Why Your Comments Are Not Being Approved And Please Understand That My Policy Does Apply ToEveryone

2012-09-06 -- 02:23:17 AM:

genusAmyema: I Am Very Sorry But I Am Not Going To Unscreen Your CommentsGA: I Understand That You Were Upset By My Review And I Regret ThatGA: But My Blog Has Always Had A Strict Policy Regarding Both Profanity And Personal AttacksGA: Ordinarily I Would Already Have Banned You But I Am Making An Exception For Obvious ReasonstemplatizedTurgidity: Yeah because you haters get all your hatertraffic when writers respond IN PERSON.TT: And you HAVE YET to wring this one dry, right?TT: So you're wanting to stretch my responses out over a few more days to drum up more clicks for you?TT: Tess Theramin is thinking that she is ON TO YOu. That is what she was thinking just now. ;(GA: I Have Never Seen That Particular Emoticon Before And I May Need Some Time To Sort Out Its Full ImplicationsGA: But No I Am Making An Exception To My Policy Because The Few Comments You Have Made Here In The PastGA: Have Been Productive And Consistent In Tone And Your Behavior Right Now Is Very Out Of CharacterGA: Frankly I Can See Why Some Are Accusing Me Of Fabricating Your Initial CommentGA: Which Was Fortunately The Only One That Was Even Briefly Publicly VisibleTT: My username has turgid in it.TT: What were you expecting of a person who'd do such an unconscionable thing, HATER???TT: Also, why do you type like that?GA: I Had Been Wondering About The Username For A While But Had Attributed It To Some Unfathomable Flight Of IronyGA: Which I Thought I Was Perhaps Psychologically Ill Equipped To FollowGA: But Now I Am Wondering If You May Have Selected It Due To The Imbibing Of A Soporific SubstanceTT: What?GA: I Mean You Are Drunk Right Now Arent YouTT: Oh so you are very sure about my motivations about the book but you need INDEPENDENT CONFIRMATION OF THe drinking?GA: No Not ReallyGA: I Have Some Small Experience Of These Things And Am Pretty Sure Of ItTT: Oh really wow. You must be a TRUE WOman of the world.GA: No Not In Any Real SenseGA: At AllGA: But By The Same Token I Am Pretty Sure That You Will Regret Having Made These Comments By Tomorrow AfternoonGA: You Really Made Some Very Profane Remarks And Your Books Are YA As You KnowGA: Marketed To TeenagersTT: Oh you know me so well person who writes HATER STUFF about my AWESOME books. ;(GA: Are You Using That Word IronicallyGA: Hater I MeanGA: Well And Awesome Now Too I GuessGA: Im Asking That Seriously Because I Cant TellTT: Given that I'm so obviously a troll I don't know why you haven't banned me outright yet.GA: I Have Never Seen A Picture Of You And I Was Not Aware That You Were A TrollGA: I Assure You That I Would Never Ban Someone For ThatGA: Despite Common Scientific Thinking On The Subject Ive Never Been Entirely Convinced Of The Species Intellectual InferiorityTT: Oh my god obviously I didn't mean it literally.TT: Maybe we should switch the words troll and pirate in online nomenclature, it might make more sense.GA: Excuse Me ThenGA: Im Very Sorry If I Offended YouTT: You did. I am EXTREMELY OFFENDED By that suggestion.GA: Then I Apologize AgainGA: Regardless If You Continue To Attempt To Post Comments Containing Obscene Terms I Will Probably Feel Obligated To Ban YouGA: But What Really Concerns Me Honestly Are The Disparaging Remarks You Made About Your Readers IntelligenceGA: I Was Personally A Little Bit Upset By Them And I Consider Myself Fairly Thick SkinnedGA: I Have Not Really Discussed This On The BlogGA: But Your Work Has Been Important To Me During A Very Difficult Time In My LifeTT: My work is accurately-described by my username.TT: It's a joke and the net effect on the world were I to stop writing would be zero.TT: The attention-starved and sexually-immature adult women who are actually my largest audience them would just find another generic fictional object upon which to erotically fixate.TT: Pirates, maybe.TT: Oh, are you done talking finally? Did that one burn?GA: Well I Am Sorry That You Feel That Way I GuessGA: But However You Really Feel About The Series I Do Not Want To See It End PrematurelyGA: Because Your Publishers Were Embarrassed By Something You Said On A Fans Blog Late At Night While DrunkGA: I Mean Thats Probably Objectively The Worst Way To End A Series And I Am Including In That Evaluation Things Which Orson Scott Card Has DoneGA: I Think That You Probably Do Not Want This To Happen EitherGA: If Only Because It Is How You Make MoneyGA: So I Guess That I Am Asking You To Turn Off Your Computer And Wait Until You Sober UpGA: To Post Any Sort Of Response To My ReviewGA: If You Still Do Feel That It Merits A ResponseGA: Honestly I Do Not Think That It DoesGA: My Blog Is Only A Hobby And I Would Not Have Posted The Review If I Thought That You Would Be Upset By ItGA: If You Will Agree To Log Off For The Evening Then I Will Agree To Unscreen Your Comments TomorrowGA: If That Is You Still Want Me To Do So ThenGA: You Can Message Me In The Morning If SoGA: This Is A Violation Of My Usual Policy But Because You Are The One Asking I Will Do ItGA: Are You Still ThereTT: I left to get something to drink.TT: Okay, setting up auto-pester to go out at 7:00 AM WHILE I SLEEP IN HUNGOVER BECAUSE I AM TOTES WASTED LOL.GA: All Right ThenGA: I Will Look Forward To Hearing From YouGA: Good Night Ms TheramingenusAmyema [GA] ceased trolling templatizedTurgidity [TT]TT: ...Why that particular logout message?templatizedTurgidity [TT] ceased pestering genusAmyema [GA]

templatizedTurgidity [TT] began pestering genusAmyema [GA] at 2012-09-06 -- 13:27:54TT: I changed my mind. Please do not unscreen those comments.TT: I have reread them and have decided that I no longer consider them entirely philosophically and intellectually unassailable.templatizedTurgidity [TT] ceased pestering genusAmyema [GA]

templatizedTurgidity [TT] began pestering genusAmyema [GA] at 2012-09-10-- 22:19:31TT: I just wanted to thank you for not unscreening my comments, and to apologize again for the things I said to you. You would be within your rights to publish both my comments to your blog, and that ill-advised chatlog, simply to get more page hits, from which I assume you would benefit financially. But you you've chosen not to do so, I suppose for my benefit, and I owe you my gratitude for that.TT: And I'm now going to log off, to absolve you of the burden of responding to me, as I'm obviously not fit company for someone as patient as you.templatizedTurgidity [TT] ceased pestering genusAmyema [GA]

templatizedTurgidity [TT] began pestering genusAmyema [GA] at 2012-10-05 -- 20:51:44TT: I looked at your blog today and noticed that you haven't updated since our conversation a month ago.TT: You ordinarily update eight to nine times each week, and have been doing so for about a year now, aside from a few brief interruptions, so this strikes me as notable.TT: While I can't rule out the possibility that it may be some form of passive-aggressive revenge against me, the goal being to keep your negative review at the top of the page as long as possible,TT: I guess I'm concerned that I might really have upset you with what I said.TT: And though I still consider your review fundamentally incorrect, I have reread it several times now and have to acknowledge that by its own (flawed) premises, it's really very difficult to disagree with.TT: More importantly, the remarks I made to you and about you personally, as you politely refrained from pointing out, are really more to do with my own self-evaluation than they are a reflection of your own character. About which, given your personal reticence on both your blog and in your other online interactions, I obviously know nothing.TT: Which is to say that I would like to apologize, again.TT: If it will induce you to begin updating again, and thus relieve me of the immense burden of guilt which I now carry for depriving the world of a high-quality vampire book review blog, then upon being provided with your mailing address I will send to you a bouquet, fruit basket, or selection of novelty meats, depending upon your personal preference.TT: I would craft you something out of a personal family heirloom but I'm concerned that such a gesture might come off as insincere in nature, possibly even satirical.TT: Well, you're of course under no obligation to respond to me, but I genuinely hope that you return to blogging sometime soon. I've found your reviews of other people's work very edifying.templatizedTurgidity [TT] ceased pestering genusAmyema [GA]

genusAmyema [GA] began trolling templatizedTurgidity [TT] at 2012-10-19 -- 14:09:32GA: Well You Sounded Pretty Sincere Until Those Penultimate Two SentencesGA: But Now I Am Not Really SureGA: I Have Lately Become Concerned That I May Have A Neurological Handicap Which Prevents Me From Recognizing And Appreciating SarcasmGA: As Well As Possibly A Number Of Other Forms Of CommunicationGA: So You Are Going To Have To Tell Me Whether You Were Being SeriousGA: My Regrets For Responding Two Weeks Late By The WaytemplatizedTurgidity [TT] began pestering genusAmyema [GA] at 2012-10-19 -- 19:43:06TT: No, I think it's probably all on me.TT: My apologies. I was being sincere to the best of my admittedly limited ability.GA: Your Apologies Are Accepted But UnnecessaryGA: My Delinquency Was Not Directly Due To Your RemarksGA: Personal Circumstances Intervened To Prevent Me From Accessing The InternetTT: Not "directly" due?TT: Were my screened comments, then, seen to upset a butterfly, which then affected nearby weather systems, which were eventually to knock out your phone lines, perhaps?GA: No It Is Too Cold For Butterflies UnfortunatelyGA: The Problem Had No Bearing On Our ConversationGA: I Lost My Job The Next DayGA: Which Has Prevented Me From Making Updates Given That The Blackberry Which I Used To Do So Was My Work Device And I Was Forced To Return ItGA: In Order To Submit Job Applications I Am Presently Making Use Of A Library ComputerGA: On Which I Saw That You Had Contacted MeTT: You type your posts on a phone?TT: Your median wordcount is around 1,000, isn't it?TT: Color me impressed. Except for the Blackberry part, I guess, but I assume you didn't make that decision.GA: Yes Well It Is What I Am Accustomed ToGA: It Is My Preference To Write Outdoors In The SunlightGA: Perverse As I Suppose That May SeemTT: I'm not sure I'd call that perverse. It's really almost alarmingly well-adjusted.TT: Unless you've decided to go off-message and take up sarcasm as a method of communication.GA: No As I Have Said I Don't Seem To Have Any Talent For ThatTT: Anyway, do you have any inclination to take me up on my offer?GA: If You Mean Your Offer Of Vegetable Or Animal MatterGA: That Is Thoughtful And The Gesture Is AppreciatedGA: But I Would Prefer Not To Give Out My Home AddressTT: I understand. For all you know, I might show up to drunkenly troll you in real life.GA: No Im Not Worried About ThatGA: But Ive Had Some Problems With You Could SayGA: Stalkers I GuessGA: And My Friend Who Helped Me With That Made Me Promise That I Would Not Give Out My Location Anymore At AllGA: I Trust His Judgment More Than My Own At Least On Matters Of This SortTT: I see. I'm sorry about that, then. Is this also the reason for your silence regarding your personal life on your blog and elsewhere?TT: I guess a preference for privacy isn't unfathomable, but it's a little unusual to take it to the extremes that you do.TT: As I recall you've in the past refused even to give your gender.TT: Though it seems obvious given that you blog about YA novels about vampires, an activity which is more strongly gendered than is giving birth.GA: I Prefer To Keep My Real Life Entirely Separate From My Online LifeGA: And I Think That That Is Not Really Very UnusualGA: And Dont Really Appreciate Being Subtly Grilled About It Given That I Think I Have Made My Preference PlainGA: And Am Obviously Not Having A Pleasant DayTT: I'm sorry. That's not really what I was trying to do.GA: Yes It Was But Never MindGA: None Of It Really Matters At This PointGA: I Dont Think I Will Be Updating My Blog AgainGA: As You Said It Was A Little PatheticGA: And I Should Really Be Focusing My Energy On Finding A Job And Managing To Keep It This TimeGA: And Not Losing My Temper And Biting Someone Like A Stupid WigglerTT: Wait. You bit someone?TT: Bit someone like a what?GA: Bit Someones Head OffGA: In AngerGA: ItsGA: A Figure Of Goddamn SpeechTT: What about the wiggler part?TT: Are wigglers something like the platonic ideal of an angry thing?TT: I guess that's just not what comes to mind when I try to picture what such a thing would look like.TT: And why were you angry?GA: Look Never MindGA: I Dont Really Want To Discuss ThisGA: Particularly With YouTT: I'm going to make a wild deduction here.TT: You were understandably upset because I -TT: - an absurd drunk whose regrettable literary output you have unfathomably chosen to admire -TT: - said some very unfair and hurtful things to you for no good reason.TT: You then went in to work the next morning, perhaps on insufficient sleep, and had a confrontation with your boss, who acted as a sort of a proxy for me.TT: It's now been sixty seconds since I submitted that text, and you type fairly quickly, so I will assume that I am correct, and that I am, in fact, indirectly responsible for the loss of your job.TT: As you in fact earlier inferred and then hastily denied.GA: That Is Mostly Accurate YesGA: This I Guess Is The Devastating Psychological Insight Which One Can ExpectGA: Of The Creative Force Behind The Subtle And Moderately Paced RomanceGA: Of Lady Noor De Traitorio Von Darkangel And The Chevaliere Malika DarknightTT: Okay, these are definitely insincere statements.TT: Don't sell yourself short, you've got a real talent for this.TT: So. How much do I owe you?GA: WhatGA: NoTT: And would you prefer to be reimbursed by Paypal, check, direct deposit, or some other medium?TT: Bitcoins, perchance?GA: While I Am Sure That You Can Afford To Do ThisGA: And I Do Not Need You To Reassure Me Of ThatGA: The Answer Remains NoGA: I Do Not Want Your MoneyGA: I Do Not Wish To Be The Mechanism By Which You Pay Off Your GuiltGA: For Something That You Probably Would Have Done To AnyoneGA: Who Presented Herself As A Convenient Target For Your Unfocused Drunken Ire On That Specific NightTT: This, I guess, is the devastating psychological insight which one can expectTT: of the proprietor of a blog entitled "Reviews Of Young Adult Novels, Mainly Those Prominently Featuring Vampires, And Containing At Least One Love Triangle."GA: Yes It IsTT: And it goes on a little after that but I've been exerting myself lately to stop typing once I hit the end of my textbox.TT: Look, just take my money.TT: If it makes you feel better, you may employ the rationale that people use when they decline to give change to panhandlers:TT: "She'd just spend it on booze."TT: The transaction of taking my money is thus morally and socially identical to the transaction of keeping your change.GA: I Give Change To PanhandlersTT: Well, then, I don't see your problem.GA: That Is Because You Are Being Deliberately Obtuse I AssumeGA: The Ability To Insult Someone While Simultaneously Offering Them MoneyGA: Is Neither Unique Nor As Amusing As You Seem To BelieveGA: In Fact It Is Both Common And TerribleGA: I Dont Want Your MoneyGA: If You Want To Apologize Find Me A JobGA: Appropriate To A Physically Disabled And Disfigured Person With No ReferencesGA: Who Needs To Work From HomeGA: Or In An Otherwise Empty Space With Good Natural LightGA: But Cannot Work NightsGA: And Needs To Be Paid In Cash Due To Legal StatusGA: There Are Not Many Jobs Like That By The Way That Is The Point Of This Exhaustive EnumerationTT: What do you mean by legal status?GA: I Just Lost The Only Job Like That In This Awful State I Think And It Took Me A Long Time To Find ItTT: Are you an undocumented immigrant? Or wanted for something?GA: Maybe It Was Too Big A Risk Coming Here To Begin WithGA: But I Could Not See Any Other ChoiceGA: Maybe There Arent Really Any Choices Left At AllTT: Do you need a lawyer?GA: And Yes Rationally I Know That None Of This Is Your Fault ButGA: Youre Not The Person I Needed You To BeTT: You know, I think it really is my fault that I'm an asshole. Actually, I'm completely sure of that.GA: But Of Course No One Ever IsTT: Please calm down. Can't I help?GA: And I Dont Know What Im Going To Do Now I Just Wish The Sun Would Come BackGA: Im So StupidTT: You're not stupid.GA: And Im So ScaredGA: And HungryGA: I Cant Stay Here AnymoreTT: Wait.genusAmyema [GA] ceased trolling templatizedTurgidity [TT]TT: Damn it.