The LISTSERV

Anyone interested in providing voluntary assistance to Dr. Katz every Thursday starting the first week in September and running every Thursday until the second week of December, please let me know. The position is unpaid; however, you will gain valuable research experience. Thank you.

John Francone
Assistant Communications Prof.

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John,

I’d love to perform research for Dr. Katz. Question: I know you wrote that the position is unpaid. What about recompense for gas and travel? Thanks.

Joanne Meats
jomeats@savorly.edu

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Hello, John,

Just wanted to let you know I’d love to help out with that research project. I’m supposed to bring my grandma to bingo on Thursday nights, but I think I can work something out. Is this a paid position?

Rob Koatsvine
rkoatsvine@savorly.edu

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John,

Would like to apply for voluntary research position. I’m very interested in research and working with professors. Please e-mail ASAP to tell me more about the position. Thanks.

Rick Leso
rleso@savorly.edu

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Dear ALL,

Please remember that when you hit the “reply all” button you are replying not just to John Francone but to the whole 367 students on the LISTSERV. It is very annoying to receive messages that do not pertain to me. It is rude and inconsiderate. Please, in the future, just respond to the person you intend to get the message. Be more careful with your e-mail actions.

Matt Prybella
mprybella@savorly.edu

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Dear Matt,

You are a real jerk, scolding people for sending mass e-mails by sending out a mass e-mail to scold them. So we have to listen to your irate ramblings, which quite frankly I couldn’t care less about. You are a hypocrite. You put the duh!!!!!! in dumb!

Lisa McFlarty
lmcflarty@savorly.edu

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Hi, all,

I sent that e-mail to all of the communications students because you all are eligible for the research position. I’m sorry if you don’t care at all about the offer, but it does pertain to you. So please do not yell at me via e-mail. Thanks.

John Francone
jfrancone@savorly.edu

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Hi, John,

I did not mean to yell at you. I was yelling at other students who sent mass e-mails out responding to your message. Your message was great. I enjoyed it. I would like to volunteer for that position as well. I don’t remember if it was paid or not, but I will work for free either way. Thanks. I think I have a class with you next semester, too. Can’t wait.

Matt Prybella
mprybella@savorly.edu

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Everybody—

Did you read how pathetic Matt Prybella’s last e-mail was? He had his lips plastered onto John’s butt. “Your message was great.” “Oh please let me volunteer. I’ll kiss your butt more.” God! Pathetic!!!! Since he sent that to everyone, all of us communications majors now know what a dorky loser he is. Thanks for your hypocrisy, Matt.

Lisa McFlarty
lmcflarty@savorly.edu

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Lisa,

I normally don’t threaten people. But you’ve gone too far. Insulting me in front of the whole LISTSERV. Well, I’m going to kill you. I’m going to break into your dorm and commit murder. And the best part is no one will ever know it was me. Sleep well.

Matt Prybella
mprybella@savorly.edu

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Matt,

You sent that e-mail to me and the whole LISTSERV. Everyone saw your threats. I could have you arrested.

Lisa McFlarty
lmcflarty@savorly.edu

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Matt,

Give yourself up. This is the cops. We received a forward of your e-mail from several students. We have e-mails from Associate Professor John Francone vouching for you. He’s willing to make a statement saying you just got riled up and didn’t really mean anything you said. But we’ve still got to bring you in.

Lt. Andy Sarsman
asarsman@savorlypd.gov

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Lt. Sarsman,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for things to go this far. I’ll turn myself in. Just tell me where and when.

Matt Prybella
mprybella@savorly.edu

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Hi,

Just wondering about that internship. Sounds like a great opportunity. No pay? Bummer. Lots of experience? Hooray! Count me in. Thanks.

Roger Atland
ratland@savorly.edu

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Mr. Prybella,

This is the FBI. We’ve taken over this investigation from the Savorly Police Department. We have you under constant surveillance. In fact, we’ve had this whole LISTSERV under constant surveillance for months, ever since Associate Prof. John Francone—or should I say Johnny “the Kingpin” Franconi—first went into hiding at the school. The first Thursday in September and every Thursday after that, your “research” assignment would have been to harvest drugs for the criminal. We were looking for an opportunity to bust him, but we got bogged down by all the meaningless “reply all” messages in our inbox. Sure, we wanted to get our hands on any information we could, but some of these students reply without consideration for others. We couldn’t care less about their need to participate in butt-kissing and volunteer activities. Then Mr. Prybella’s e-mail threat came up … and now we have to bring him down, too.

Agent Bearsmith
mbearsmith@fbi.org

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Agent—

You e-mailed everyone to tell Matt to turn himself in and told us top-secret info. critical to your investigation. The FBI should be more secure than to send out mass e-mails. You’ve tipped off Associate Professor John Francone to your plan, and now any one of us could call the local paper right now and tell them everything in your investigation. We don’t care about your stupid work as much as you don’t care about our communications projects. Shove it.

Lisa McFlarty
lmcflarty@savorly.edu

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Students,

The research assignment is legit. I need help categorizing the nonverbal behavior of subjects on elevators for an article I’m writing, tentatively titled “Up and Down and How We Feel: Getting Nonverbal on the Elevator.” There will be no drug harvesting. The FBI’s info. is extremely sloppy. John Francone has been working here for a few years, and he is an excellent associate professor.

Dr. Katz
dkatz@savorly.edu

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Hey,

This message is for Joanne Meats. I have almost the exact same e-mail address as you except mine is just jmeats@savorly.edu. You probably would have had that one if I wasn’t already enrolled in the school. Pretty neat, huh? I’ve mistakenly gotten a few e-mails that were meant for you. I bet you’ve gotten some meant for me, too. LOL! Just wanted to say hi. Take care.

Joseph Meats
jmeats@savorly.edu

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Joanne,

One more thing … if we got married, you wouldn’t have to change your last name. Weird. Right? Ha! Take care. Feel free to reply to this if you want. No pressure. Take care.

Joseph Meats
jmeats@savorly.edu

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Students:

We are in the process of trying to validate our information. Dr. Katz has vouched for John Francone, and this got us thinking that we may have made a mistake. If this is cleared up, we only have to worry about Matt Prybella’s threat against Lisa McFlarty, which I am going to delete from my inbox in response to her remark telling the FBI to “shove it.” This should clear up all matters. Thank you for your prompt attention.

Agent Bearsmith
mbearsmith@fbi.org

P.S. We have a Jerry Meats who is an agent working with us. His e-mail is jmeats@fbi.org. Small world.

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Hi,

Just wondering if the volunteer research-assistant position is paid. Thanks.