Patriots vs. Colts: Keys to the Game

In just a few days, Peyton Manning and the Colts will make the long, dangerous journey to Gillette Stadium through the treacherous means of private air travel with gourmet meals and attractive flight attendants. We can only hope they manage to survive so that they can take on Tom Brady and the Patriots in a fierce battle of strength and resilience that promises to produce some of the most intense analysis ever produced by sports journalists since the last time these two teams met (2009).

In preparation for the epic battle, I am now going to offer my very own analysis. I will tell you, the reader, exactly what will have to happen for each team to win, and then I will engage in a knife fight with any analyst that disagrees with me. You have to assert your dominance in the analysis world, or you risk being told that you might be wrong.

Keys for the Colts:

- Peyton Manning must make at least seven audibles that result in thrilling and nail biting timeouts in which Jim Caldwell pretends the new play call was his idea all along.

- Randy Moss must make a surprise appearance for the Patriots and immediately launch into a tirade about “respect” and “honor” while wearing headphones that were clearly not designed to be worn by any human, distracting Belichick from continuing his “death stare of action.”

- The camera must show Eli Manning looking tense and concerned at least once in every quarter, even if the Colts are winning by 40 and Eli is not, technically, there.

- Belichick will have to be further distracted beyond Randy Moss by fighting off a valiant offensive by the special teams in an effort to free their kidnapped family members from the Belichick Dungeon.

- Tom Brady must be deported to Algeria.

Keys for the Patriots:

- Wes Welker will have to remember not to try and smile again, and have his nuclear power plant circuitry closely monitored so he can remain at full power the entire game.

- Brett Favre will need to show up and pester Caldwell to let him pitch after the seventh inning stretch, because aging zombies tend to forget important things, such as where they are, whether they’re wearing pants, and which woman is technically his wife.

- BenJarvus Green-Ellis will need to be forced, at threat of violence, to remove at least one capital letter or dash from his name, because it is difficult to spell and look at without inducing seizures in English professors everywhere.

- Gronkowski will need to come up with a more suitable and respectable nickname than “The Gronk,” because it sounds like a horrible mixed drink that I once saw someone drink in college that induced violent and immediate “gronking.”

- Tom Brady will need to not get deported to Algeria.

And those are the keys to the game! Be sure and watch for them during the all-important game this Sunday at 4:15 p.m. It is now time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the next couple hours of peace before every news agency and sporting group in the country remembers that no one cares about politics and starts spending every waking minute until end of business Wednesday talking about who the better quarterback is, Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.