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Kyrylo Fesenko’s Guide to Being a Golden State Warrior

Fes, this is your guide to being a Golden State Warrior and dealing with your new coach. He is an ass, and you must troll him all day, every day. Here are 13 tips for dealing with #13 Mark Jackson.

Give him a call at 4 a.m. to let him know you got home safely from the club.

Pretend (if necessary) not to understand a word he says. During timeouts, ask him to repeat what he said and then watch the dancers instead of listening.

Whenever you are suffering from gastric distress, always sit/stand as close to him as possible. Groan a lot.

Every time he turns away from you, say “Mama, there go that ass.”

Mutter in Ukrainian. A lot.

Set up a partition in the locker room or roll tape across the floor. Better yet, set up a Catherine Zeta-Jones “Entrapment” string cage encompassing the entire locker room. When he asks why you did it, innocently say, “I hear Coach you like to divide locker room. Fes try to be helpful.”

Interrupt him when he’s talking and ask him why he’s “jackpotting around.” If he gets mad at you, challenge him to an icepick fight in the parking lot. Tell him that’s how real coaches settle things.

Constantly refer to Jerry Sloan as “real coach.” “That not what real coach, Coach Sloan, say.” Hang a giant poster of Jerry in your locker. If you’re feeling particularly cooperative, set up a shrine to Jerry like Cerrano in “Major League.”

Call him Marky Mark. Get your teammates on board.

Tell him you don’t have a driver’s license and ask him for rides to games and practice. When he comes to pick you up, sit in the back. Give him a chauffeur’s cap for Christmas.

Ask him why he got traded so often.

Ask him how he got his face so perfectly round.

Every time he addresses you, interrupt him and tell him he’s saying your name wrong. Look really insulted and offended. Tell him the correct pronunciation is [exactly the way he said it] and ask him to repeat after you.

Seriously though (not that this was not a serious post–it was), Fes, I’m going to miss you so damn much.

–Goodnaturedly slap him on the back (as hard as you can) as if you’re happy to see him each time you do see him and every time you say good-bye
–Ask him for advice on how to contribute to comradery in the locker room; solicit examples from his past